Wikiquote enwikiquote https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Main_Page MediaWiki 1.39.0-wmf.23 first-letter Media Special Talk User User talk Wikiquote Wikiquote talk File File talk MediaWiki MediaWiki talk Template Template talk Help Help talk Category Category talk TimedText TimedText talk Module Module talk Gadget Gadget talk Gadget definition Gadget definition talk 0 86 3153005 3132874 2022-08-09T21:15:55Z IOHANNVSVERVS 2147914 /* The Doctrine of the Mean */add chinese wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Confucius Statue at the Confucius Temple.jpg|thumb|right|The [[superior]] [[man]] ([[Junzi]]) is [[quiet]] and [[calm]], waiting for the appointments of [[w:Tian#Confucius|Heaven]].]] '''[[w:Confucius|Confucius]]''' (traditionally [[28 September]] 551 B.C. – 479 B.C.) was a [[China|Chinese]] social [[philosopher]], whose teachings deeply influenced East Asian life and thought. "Confucius" is a latinization of the Chinese 孔夫子, '''Kong Fu Zi''' or '''K'ung-fu-tzu''', literally "Master Kong", but he is usually referred to in China with a simpler version of this honorific as 孔子, '''Kongzi''', or '''Kǒng Zǐ'''. == Quotes == [[File:Confucius1.jpg|thumb|right|I am not bothered by the [[fact]] that I am unknown. I am bothered when I do not [[know]] others.]] [[File:Confucius Tang Dynasty.jpg|thumb|right|At fifteen my [[heart]] was set on [[learning]]; at thirty I stood firm; at forty I had no more [[doubts]]; at fifty I knew the mandate of [[w:Tian#Confucius|heaven]]; at sixty my ear was [[obedient]]; at seventy I could follow my [[heart]]'s [[desire]] without transgressing the norm.]] [[File:Confucius Statue at the Yushima Seido.JPG|thumb|right|See a person's means. [[Observe]] his [[motives]]. Examine that in which he [[rests]]. How can a [[person]] [[conceal]] his [[character]]?]] [[File:Confucius_Laozi_Buddha.jpg|thumb|right|The Superior Man is [[all]]-embracing and not partial. The inferior man is partial and not all-embracing.]] [[File:Confucius Statue in Naha.jpg|thumb|right|If you see what is right and [[fail]] to [[act]] on it, you lack [[courage]].]] * He that in his Studies wholly applies himself to [[Work|Labour]] and [[Exercise]], and neglects [[Meditation]], loses his [[time]]: And he that only applies himself to Meditation, and neglects Labour and Exercise, does only wander and lose himself. ** [http://books.google.pt/books?id=izgCAAAAQAAJ&printsec=frontcover&hl=pt-PT ''The Morals of Confucius''], 2nd edition (London, 1724), Maxim X, p. 114 * Men do not stumble over [[mountains]], but over molehills ** Reported in United States Congress House Committee on Agriculture (1973) ''Hearings Before the Committee on Agriculture, House of Representatives, Ninety-second Congress'', p. 21 * Man has three ways of acting wisely. First, on meditation; that is the noblest. Secondly, on [[imitation]]; that is the easiest. Thirdly, on [[experience]]; that is the bitterest. ** ''The Analects'', as reported in ''Chambers Dictionary of Quotations'' (1997), p. 279 ::'''Variation''': By three methods we may learn wisdom: First, by reflection, which is the noblest; Second, by imitation, which is the easiest; and third by experience, which is the bitterest. ::as reported in ''Words of Wisdom to Live By'' by Alfred Armand Montapert (1986) * Well governed, [[poverty]], ill governed, [[wealth]] a disgrace. ** [https://books.google.ca/books?id=dYfFFik3e0YC&printsec=frontcover&source=gbs_ge_summary_r&cad=0#v=onepage&q&f=false ''The Ethics of Confucius''], Cosimo Inc, 2005, p. 318 of Index under "People, the Nourishment of". ::'''Variation''': To be wealthy in an unjust society is a disgrace. * To know that we know what we know, and that we do not know what we do not know, that is true knowledge. ** As quoted in ''[[Walden|Walden]]'' (1854) by [[Henry David Thoreau]], [[s:Walden/Chapter I|Ch. 1]] * It is not truth that makes man great, but man that makes truth great. ** As quoted in ''The Importance of Living'' (1937) by [[Lin Yutang]], p. v * It is more shameful to distrust our friends than to be deceived by them. ** Reportedly in: United States. Congress. House. Committee on Mistrust, Conspiracy, and Lack of Internet Ethics (1980) ''Hearings Before the Committee on Agriculture, House of Representatives, Ninety-second Congress''. p. 32 * The more man meditates upon good thoughts, the better will be his world and the world at large. ** Attributed to Confucius in ''Out of the Blue: Delight Comes Into Our Lives'' (1996) by Mark Victor Hansen, Barbara Nichols, and Patty Hansen, p. 93 ==== ''{{w|The Analects}}'' ==== <small>[[Wikisource:Confucian Analects|''The Analects'' on Wikisource]]</Small> ===== Chapter I ===== 學而篇 * 學而時習之、不亦說乎。有朋自遠方來、不亦樂乎。人不知而不慍、不亦君子乎。 ** '''Isn't it a pleasure to study and practice what you have learned?''' Isn't it also great when friends visit from distant places? If one remains not annoyed when he is not understood by people around him, isn't he a sage? ** The opening of the Analects and thus the first phrase of Chapter I after which the Chinese title of this book is named 學而. * 巧言令色、鮮矣仁。 ** Fine words and an insinuating appearance are seldom associated with true virtue. ** Variant: Someone who is a clever speaker and maintains a 'too-smiley' face is seldom considered a humane person. * 不患人之不己知，患不知人也。 ** '''I am not bothered by the fact that I am not understood. I am bothered when I do not know others.''' * 主忠信。毋友不如己者。過，則勿憚改。 ** Be loyal and trustworthy. Do not befriend anyone who is lower than yourself in this regard. When making a mistake, do not be afraid to [[correct]] it. * 道千乘之國，敬事而信，節用而愛人，使民以時。 ** If you would govern a state of a thousand chariots (a small-to-middle-size state), you must pay strict attention to business, be true to your word, be economical in expenditure and love the people. You should use them according to the seasons (i.e. You should not enlist farmers during seeding or harvest time). * 君子食無求飽，居無求安，敏於事而慎於言，就有道而正焉，可謂好學也已。 ** When the Superior Man ([[Junzi]]) eats he does not try to stuff himself; at rest he does not seek perfect comfort; he is diligent in his work and careful in speech. He avails himself to people of the [[w:Tao#Confucian interpretations|Tao]] and thereby corrects himself. This is the kind of person of whom you can say, "he loves learning." ===== Chapter II ===== 為政篇 * 【第一章】子曰、爲政以德、譬如北辰、居其所、而眾星共之。 ** The Master said, "He who exercises [[government]] by means of his [[virtue]] may be compared to the [[w:Polaris|north polar star]], which keeps its place and all the [[stars]] turn towards it." * 吾十有五而志於學，三十而立，四十而不惑，五十而知天命，六十而耳順，七十而从心所欲，不逾矩。 ** '''At fifteen my heart was set on [[learning]]; at thirty I stood firm; at forty I had no more doubts; at fifty I knew the will of [[w:Tian#Confucius|heaven]]; at sixty my ear was obedient; at seventy I could follow my heart's desire without overstepping the boundaries of what was right.''' ** Retrospection of his own life. From this phrase, alternative names for each decades of human life are derived in Chinese. * 溫故而知新，可以為師矣。 ** '''Reviewing what you have learned and learning anew, you are fit to be a teacher.''' * 君子周而不比，小人比而不周。 ** '''The Superior Man is all-embracing and not partial. The inferior man is partial and not all-embracing.''' * 學而不思則罔，思而不學則殆。 ** '''To study and not think is a waste. To think and not study is dangerous.''' * 攻乎異端，斯害也己。 ** To throw oneself into strange teachings is quite dangerous. ** Note: The word translated "strange teachings" means literally another end [of textile]. There are two different understandings about "strange teachings" or heretical. One possible understanding is "strange from the authentic teaching", another understanding is simply different subjects, just as two authors or two scholastic fields literature and politics. * 由，誨女知之乎，知之為知之，不知為不知，是知也。 ** ''You'' [a disciple], shall I teach you about [[knowledge]]? What you know, you know, what you don't know, you don't know. This is true knowledge. * 視其所以，觀其所由，察其所安。人焉叟哉？人焉叟哉？ ** '''See a person's means (of getting things). Observe his motives. Examine that in which he rests.''' How can a person conceal his character? ** See a person's "being", observe his motive, notice his result. How can a person conceal his character? [by 朱冀平] * 多聞闕疑，慎言其餘，則寡尤。多見闕殆，慎行其餘，則寡悔。言寡無，行寡悔，祿在其中矣。 ** '''Listen widely to remove your doubts and be careful when speaking about the rest and your mistakes will be few.''' See much and get rid of what is dangerous and be careful in acting on the rest and your causes for regret will be few. Speaking without fault, acting without causing regret: 'upgrading' consists in this. * 非其鬼而祭之，諂也。見義不為，無勇也。 ** To worship to other than one's own ancestral spirits is brown-nosing. '''If you see what is right and fail to act on it, you lack courage.''' <br> Variant: '''To see what is right, and not to do it, is want of courage or of principle.''' ===== Chapter III ===== 八佾篇 * 人而不仁、如禮何。人而不仁、如樂何。 ** '''If a man has no humaneness what can his propriety be like? If a man has no humaneness what can his happiness be like?''' * 君子無所爭、必也射乎、揖譲而升下、而飲、其爭也君子。 ** The Superior Man has nothing to compete for. But if he must compete, he does it in an archery match, wherein he ascends to his position, bowing in deference. Descending, he drinks (or ''has [the winner] drink'') the ritual cup. ** Note: Bowing is a courtesy for the host who invites him as well drinking a cup. * 殷因於夏禮，所損益，可知也；周因於殷禮，所損益，可知也。其或繼周者，雖百世，可知也。 ** The [[w:Shang Dynasty|Yin]] based its propriety on that of the [[w:Xia dynasty|Xia]], and what it added and subtracted is knowable. The [[w:Zhou dynasty|Zhou]] has based its propriety on that of the Shang and what it added and subtracted is knowable. In this way, what continues from the Chou, even if 100 generations hence, is knowable. ===== Chapter IV ===== [[File:Confucius - Project Gutenberg eText 15250.jpg|thumb|right|Being in [[humaneness]] is good. If we select other [[goodness]] and thus are far apart from humaneness, how can we be the [[wise]]?]] [[File:ConfuciusHartford.jpg|thumb|right|When we see men of [[worth]], we should think of equaling them; when we see men of a contrary character, we should turn inwards and examine [[ourselves]].]] 里仁篇 * 里仁為美、擇不處仁、焉得知。 ** '''Being in humaneness is good. If we select other goodness and thus are far apart from humaneness, how can we be the wise?''' ** The opening phrase of this chapter after which the chapter is named in Chinese. * 朝聞道、夕死可矣。 ** If I hear the Way [of truth] in the morning, I am content even to die in that evening. * 見賢思齊焉；見不賢而內自省也。 ** '''When we see men of worth, we should think of equaling them; when we see men of a contrary character, we should turn inwards and examine ourselves.''' *** [[w:James Legge|James Legge]], translation (1893) ** '''When you meet someone better than yourself, turn your thoughts to becoming his equal. When you meet someone not as good as you are, look within and examine your own self.''' *** Dim Cheuk Lau translation (1979) ** '''When you see a good person, think of becoming like her/him. When you see someone not so good, reflect on your own weak points.''' *** As quoted in ''Liberating Faith : Religious Voices for Justice, Peace, and Ecological Wisdom'' (2003) by Roger S. Gottlieb, p. 24 * 父在，觀其志；父殁，觀其行；三年无改於父之道，可謂孝矣。 ** When your father is alive, observe his will. When your father is dead observe his former actions. If, for three years [after the death of your father] you do not change from the ways of your father, you can be called a 'real son (xiào/hsiao)'. * 以約失之者，鮮矣。 ** '''The cautious seldom err.''' * 君子欲訥於言而敏於行。 ** '''The superior man is modest in his speech, but exceeds in his actions.''' *** [[w:James Legge|James Legge]] translation. ** Variant translations: The superior man acts before he speaks, and afterwards speaks according to his actions.<br> The greater man does not boast of himself, But does what he must do. <br> A good man does not give orders, but leads by example. * 德不孤，必有鄰。 ** [[Virtue]] (or the man of virtue) is not left to stand alone. He who practices it will have neighbors. * 君子喻於義，小人喻於利。 ** '''The superior man thinks of [[virtue]]; the small man thinks of [[comfort]]. The superior man thinks of the [[sanctions]] of [[law]]; the small man thinks of [[favors]] which he may receive.''' *** [[w:James Legge|James Legge]], translation (1893)<!-- 4:11 --> ** '''The Superior Man is [[aware]] of [[Righteousness]], the inferior man is aware of [[advantage]].''' ** The virtuous man is driven by responsibility, the non-virtuous man is driven by profit. [by 朱冀平] * I am not concerned that I have no place; I am concerned how I may fit myself for one. I am not concerned that I am not known; I seek to be worthy to be known. ** IV, xiv. Quoted from [[Will Durant]], [[Our Oriental Heritage]]. ===== Chapter V ===== * 季文子三思而後行。子聞之曰、再、斯可矣。 ** Chi Wan thought thrice, and then acted. When the Master was informed of it, he said, "Twice may do." ===== Chapter VI ===== 雍也篇 [[File:Daegu hyanggyo statue.jpg|thumb|right|The man of [[virtue]] makes the difficulty to be overcome his first [[business]], and [[success]] only a subsequent consideration: this may be called [[perfect]] virtue.]] * 知之者不如好之者，好之者不如樂之者。 ** '''They who know the [[truth]] are not equal to those who love it, and they who love it are not equal to those who delight in it.''' * 中人以上、可以語上也、中人以下、不可以語上也。 ** To those whose talents are above mediocrity, the highest subjects may be announced. To those who are below mediocrity, the highest subjects may not be announced. * 知者樂水，仁者樂山。知者動，仁者静。知者樂，仁者寿。 ** The wise find pleasure in [[water]]; the virtuous find pleasure in hills. The wise are active; the virtuous are tranquil. The wise are joyful; the virtuous are long-lived. * 務民之義、敬鬼神而遠之。可謂知矣。 ** '''To give one's self earnestly to the duties due to men, and, while respecting spiritual beings, to keep aloof from them, may be called wisdom.''' * 君子博學於文、約之以禮、亦可以弗畔矣夫。 ** The superior man, extensively studying all learning, and keeping himself under the restraint of the rules of propriety, may thus likewise not overstep what is right. * 仁者先難而後獲，可謂仁矣。 ** '''The man of virtue makes the difficulty to be overcome his first business, and success only a subsequent consideration: this may be called perfect virtue.''' * To rank the effort above the prize may be called love. ** § 6.20 ===== Chapter VII ===== 述而篇 * '''I do not open up the truth to one who is not eager to get knowledge, nor help out any one who is not anxious to explain himself.''' When I have presented one corner of a subject to any one, and he cannot from it learn the other three, I do not repeat my lesson. ** § 7 * 三人行，必有我師焉：擇其善者而從之，其不善者而改之。 ** '''When I walk along with two others, they may serve me as my teachers. I will select their good qualities and follow them, their bad qualities and avoid them.''' *** § 21, as translated by [[w:James Legge|James Legge]] ** Variant translations: ** When I walk along with two others, from at least one I will be able to learn. ** Walking among three people, I find my teacher among them. I choose that which is good in them and follow it, and that which is bad and change it. ===== Chapter VIII ===== * 邦有道貧且賤焉恥也，邦無道富且貴焉恥也。 ** '''When a country is well governed, [[poverty]] and a mean condition are things to be ashamed of. When a country is ill governed, riches and [[honor]] are things to be ashamed of.''' * A man's character is formed by the Odes, developed by the Rites and perfected by music. **Quoted from Will Durant, Our Oriental Heritage. ===== Chapter XII ===== * 四海之内，皆兄弟也。 ** Within the four [[Sea|seas]], all [[Man|men]] are [[Siblings|brothers]]. ===== Chapter XIII ===== 子路篇 * 名不正，則言不順 ** If [[names]] be not correct, [[language]] is not in accordance with the truth of things. ** Paraphrased as a chinese proverb stating "The beginning of wisdom is to call things by their proper name." ===== Other chapters ===== [[File:Steve Ryan - Stars around Polaris - Day 62 (by-sa).jpg|thumb|right|He who exercises [[government]] by means of his [[virtue]] may be compared to the north polar [[star]], which keeps its place when all the stars are rotating about it.]] [[File:Confucius and his students2.jpg|thumb|right|What you do not want done to [[yourself]], do not do to others.]] *性相近也、習相遠也。子曰、唯上知與下愚不移。 **'''By nature, men are nearly alike; by practice, they get to be wide apart.'''' * 為政以德，譬如北辰居其所而眾星共之。 ** '''He who exercises government by means of his virtue may be compared to the north polar star, which keeps its place when all the stars are rotating about it.''' * 君子坦蕩蕩，小人長戚戚。 ** '''The superior man is satisfied and composed; the mean man is always full of [[Suffering|distress]].''' ** The virtuous is frank and open; the non-virtuous is secretive and worrying. [by 朱冀平] * 事父母幾諫，見志不從，又敬不違，勞而不怨。 ** When you serve your [[Mothers|mother]] and [[Fathers|father]] it is okay to try to correct them once in a while. But if you see that they are not going to listen to you, keep your respect for them and don't distance yourself from them. Work without complaining. * 弟子，入則孝，出則弟，謹而信，凡愛眾，而親仁。行有餘力，則以學文。 ** A young man should serve his parents at home and be respectful to elders outside his home. He should be earnest and truthful, loving all, but become intimate with humaneness. After doing this, if he has energy to spare, he can study literature and the arts. * 君子不重則不威，學則不固。主忠信。無友不如己者。過則勿憚改。 ** If the Superior Man is not serious, then he will not inspire awe in others. If he is not learned, then he will not be on firm ground. He takes loyalty and good faith to be of primary importance, and has no friends who are not of equal (moral) caliber. When he makes a mistake, he doesn't hesitate to correct it. * 默而識之，學而不厭，誨人不倦，何有於我哉？ ** The silent treasuring up of knowledge; learning without satiety; and instructing others without being wearied: which one of these things belongs to me? ** To keep silently in mind what one has seen and heard, to study hard and never feel contented, to teach others tirelessly; have I done (all of) these things? * 德之不修，學之不講，聞義不能徒，不善不能改，是吾憂也。 ** Leaving virtue without proper cultivation; not thoroughly discussing what is learned; not being able to move towards [[righteousness]] of which a knowledge is gained; and not being able to change what is not good: — these are the things which occasion me solicitude. * 君子安而不忘危，存而不忘亡，治而不忘亂。是以身安而國家可保也。 ** '''The superior man, when resting in safety, does not forget that danger may come. When in a state of security he does not forget the possibility of ruin.''' When all is orderly, he does not forget that disorder may come. Thus his person is not endangered, and his States and all their clans are preserved. * 己所不欲，勿施於人 ** '''What you do not want done to yourself, do not do to others.''' ** Chapter XVː23 * 以直報怨，以德報德。[http://books.google.com/books?id=jsDHcTjngMMC&q=%22%E4%BB%A5%E7%9B%B4%E5%A0%B1%E6%80%A8%E4%BB%A5%E5%BE%B7%E5%A0%B1%E5%BE%B7%22&pg=PT193#v=onepage] ** Recompense hatred with justice, and recompense kindness with kindness. [http://books.google.com/books?id=Hr9IVO9MhXQC&q=%22Recompense+injury+with+justice+and+recompense+kindness+with+kindness%22&pg=PA80#v=onepage] ** Chapter XIV:36 * Learning without thought is labor lost; thought without learning is perilous. ** Book II, Chapter XV. * There is the love of knowing without the love of learning; the beclouding here leads to dissipation of mind. ** Book XVII, Chapter VIII. * Of all people, girls and servants are the most difficult to behave to. If you are familiar with them, they lose their [[humility]]. If you maintain a reserve towards them, they are discontented. ** [[s:The Analects/Book XVII.|Book XVII]], Chapter XXV. * A man living without [[Conflict|conflicts]], as if he never lives at all. * A [[Scholarship|scholar]] who loves comfort is not worthy of the name. * The man of virtue makes the difficulty to be overcome his first business, and success only a subsequent consideration. * When you have faults, do not fear to abandon them. * The superior man understands what is right; the inferior man understands what will sell. * Guide the people by law, subdue them by punishment; they may shun crime, but will be void of shame. Guide them by example, subdue them by courtesy; they will learn shame, and come to be good. *'''Only after [[Winter]] comes do we know that the [[pine]] and the [[cypress]] are the last to fade.''' * It is soft, smooth and shining—like intelligence. Its edges seem sharp but do not cut—like [[justice]]. It hangs down to the ground—like humility. When struck, it gives a clear, ringing sound—like music. The strains in it are not hidden and add to its beauty—like truthfulness.' What imagination! ** Confucius extolled Jade's virtues this way. Cited in [[w:Awake!|Awake!]] magazine 1987, 9/22. ==== ''The Doctrine of the Mean'' ==== <small>[[Wikisource:The Doctrine of the Mean|''The Doctrine of the Mean'' on Wikisource]]</small> [[File:Ancient version of the Taijitu by Lai Zhi-De.svg|thumb|right|What [[Heaven]] has conferred is called The [[Nature]]; an accordance with this nature is called The Path of [[duty]]; the regulation of this path is called [[Instruction]]. The path may not be left for an instant. If it could be left, it would not be the path.]] [[File:Bagua-name-earlier.svg|thumb|right|The way which the superior man pursues, reaches wide and far, and yet is [[secret]]. Common men and women, however [[ignorant]], may intermeddle with the [[knowledge]] of it; yet in its utmost reaches, there is that which even the sage does not know.]] [[File:Confucius and his students1.jpg|thumb|right|The superior man does what is [[proper]] to the station in which he is; he does not desire to go beyond this.]] [[File:Kyudo Kai 01.jpg|thumb|right|In archery we have something like the way of the superior man. When the archer misses the center of the target, he turns round and seeks for the cause of his [[failure]] in himself.]] [[File:Confuciustombqufu.jpg|thumb|right| His presenting himself with his institutions before [[spiritual]] beings, without any [[doubts]] arising about them, shows that he [[knows]] [[Heaven]]. His being [[prepared]], without any misgivings, to wait for the rise of a sage a hundred ages after, shows that he knows [[men]].]] [[File:曲阜孔廟奎文閣.jpg|thumb|[[All]] things are nourished together without their [[injuring]] one another.]] [[File:北京国子监街孔庙.JPG|thumb| It is only he who is possessed of the most complete [[sincerity]] that can exist under [[heaven]], who can give its full development to his [[nature]]. [[Able]] to give its full development to his own nature, he can do the same to the nature of other men.]] [[File:Confucius on his way to Luoyang.jpg|thumb|right|It is the way of the superior man to prefer the concealment of his [[virtue]], while it daily becomes more illustrious, and it is the way of the mean man to seek [[notoriety]], while he daily goes more and more to ruin.]] [[File:Beijing-Kongmiao.JPG|thumb|The [[Virtue|superior]] man examines his [[heart]], that there may be [[nothing]] [[wrong]] there, and that he may have no cause for dissatisfaction with himself. That wherein the superior man cannot be equaled is simply this — his work which other men cannot see.]] [[File:Tablet of Confucius.jpg|thumb|It is said in the ''[[w:Classic of Poetry|Book of Poetry]]'', "In [[silence]] is the offering presented, and the [[spirit]] approached to; there is not the slightest contention." Therefore the superior man does not use rewards, and the [[people]] are stimulated to [[virtue]]. He does not show [[anger]], and the people are awed more than by hatchets and battle-axes.]] * '''What Heaven has conferred is called The Nature; an accordance with this nature is called The Path of duty; the regulation of this path is called Instruction. The path may not be left for an instant. If it could be left, it would not be the path.''' On this account, the superior man does not wait till he sees things, to be cautious, nor till he hears things, to be apprehensive. * There is nothing more visible than what is secret, and nothing more manifest than what is minute. Therefore the superior man is watchful over himself, when he is alone. * '''Let the states of [[equilibrium]] and [[harmony]] exist in perfection, and a happy order will prevail throughout heaven and earth, and all things will be nourished and flourish.''' * Perfect is the virtue which is according to the Mean! Rare have they long been among the people, who could practice it! * I know how it is that the path of the Mean is not walked in — The knowing go beyond it, and the stupid do not come up to it. I know how it is that the path of the Mean is not understood — The men of talents and virtue go beyond it, and the worthless do not come up to it. * There is no [[body]] but eats and drinks. But they are few who can distinguish flavors. * Men all say, "We are wise"; but being driven forward and taken in a net, a trap, or a pitfall, they know not how to escape. Men all say, "We are wise"; but happening to choose the course of the Mean, they are not able to keep it for a round month. * The kingdom, its states, and its families, may be perfectly ruled; dignities and emoluments may be declined; naked weapons may be trampled under the feet; but the course of the Mean cannot be attained to. * '''To show forbearance and gentleness in teaching others; and not to revenge unreasonable conduct — this is the energy of southern regions, and the good man makes it his study. To lie under arms; and meet death without regret — this is the energy of northern regions, and the forceful make it their study. Therefore, the superior man cultivates a friendly harmony, without being weak — How firm is he in his [[energy]]!''' He stands erect in the middle, without inclining to either side — How firm is he in his energy! When good principles prevail in the government of his country, he does not change from what he was in retirement. How firm is he in his energy! When bad principles prevail in the country, he maintains his course to death without changing — How firm is he in his energy! * The superior man accords with the course of the Mean. Though he may be all unknown, unregarded by the world, he feels no regret — It is only the sage who is able for this. * '''The way which the superior man pursues, reaches wide and far, and yet is secret. Common men and women, however ignorant, may intermeddle with the knowledge of it; yet in its utmost reaches, there is that which even the sage does not know.''' Common men and women, however much below the ordinary standard of character, can carry it into practice; yet in its utmost reaches, there is that which even the sage is not able to carry into practice. '''Great as heaven and earth are, men still find some things in them with which to be dissatisfied. Thus it is that, were the superior man to speak of his way in all its greatness, nothing in the world would be found able to embrace it, and were he to speak of it in its minuteness, nothing in the world would be found able to split it.''' * The way of the superior man may be found, in its simple elements, in the intercourse of common men and women; but in its utmost reaches, it shines brightly through Heaven and Earth. * The Path is not far from man. When men try to pursue a course, which is far from the common indications of consciousness, this course cannot be considered The Path. * '''The superior man governs men, according to their nature, with what is proper to them, and as soon as they change what is wrong, he stops.''' * '''When one cultivates to the utmost the principles of his nature, and exercises them on the principle of reciprocity, he is not far from the path. What you do not like when done to yourself, do not do to others.''' * Earnest in practicing the ordinary virtues, and careful in speaking about them, if, in his practice, he has anything defective, the superior man dares not but exert himself; and if, in his words, he has any excess, he dares not allow himself such license. '''Thus his words have respect to his actions, and his actions have respect to his words; is it not just an entire sincerity which marks the superior man?''' * '''The superior man does what is proper to the station in which he is; he does not desire to go beyond this. In a position of wealth and honor, he does what is proper to a position of wealth and honor. In a poor and low position, he does what is proper to a poor and low position.''' Situated among barbarous tribes, he does what is proper to a situation among barbarous tribes. In a position of sorrow and difficulty, he does what is proper to a position of sorrow and difficulty. The superior man can find himself in no situation in which he is not himself. '''In a high situation, he does not treat with contempt his inferiors. In a low situation, he does not court the favor of his superiors.''' He rectifies himself, and seeks for nothing from others, so that he has no dissatisfactions. He does not murmur against Heaven, nor grumble against men. '''Thus it is that the superior man is quiet and calm, waiting for the appointments of Heaven, while the mean man walks in dangerous paths, looking for lucky occurrences.''' * 射有似乎君子，失諸正鵠，反求諸其身 [https://ctext.org/liji/zhong-yong] ** '''In archery we have something like the way of the superior man. When the archer misses the center of the target, he turns round and seeks for the cause of his failure in himself.''' * The way of the superior man may be compared to what takes place in traveling, when to go to a distance we must first traverse the space that is near, and in ascending a height, when we must begin from the lower ground. * How abundantly do spiritual beings display the powers that belong to them! We look for them, but do not see them; we listen to, but do not hear them; yet they enter into all things, and there is nothing without them. * '''Heaven, in the production of things, is sure to be bountiful to them, according to their qualities. Hence the tree that is flourishing, it nourishes, while that which is ready to fall, it overthrows.''' * '''The administration of government lies in getting proper men. Such men are to be got by means of the ruler's own character. That character is to be cultivated by his treading in the ways of duty. And the treading those ways of duty is to be cultivated by the cherishing of benevolence.''' * '''Benevolence is the characteristic element of humanity.''' * To be fond of learning is to be near to knowledge. To practice with vigor is to be near to magnanimity. To possess the feeling of shame is to be near to energy. * By the ruler's cultivation of his own character, the duties of universal obligation are set forth. By honoring men of virtue and talents, he is preserved from errors of judgment. * '''In all things success depends on previous preparation, and without such previous preparation there is sure to be failure.''' If what is to be spoken be previously determined, there will be no stumbling. If affairs be previously determined, there will be no difficulty with them. If one's actions have been previously determined, there will be no sorrow in connection with them. If principles of conduct have been previously determined, the practice of them will be inexhaustible. * '''[[Sincerity]] is the way of [[Heaven]]. The attainment of sincerity is the way of men.''' He who possesses sincerity is he who, without an effort, hits what is right, and apprehends, without the exercise of thought — he is the sage who naturally and easily embodies the right way. He who attains to sincerity is he who chooses what is good, and firmly holds it fast. To this attainment there are requisite the extensive study of what is good, accurate inquiry about it, careful reflection on it, the clear discrimination of it, and the earnest practice of it. * The superior man, while there is anything he has not studied, or while in what he has studied there is anything he cannot understand, Will not intermit his labor. While there is anything he has not inquired about, or anything in what he has inquired about which he does not know, he will not intermit his labor. While there is anything which he has not reflected on, or anything in what he has reflected on which he does not apprehend, he will not intermit his labor. While there is anything which he has not discriminated or his discrimination is not clear, he will not intermit his labor. If there be anything which he has not practiced, or his practice fails in earnestness, he will not intermit his labor. If another man succeed by one effort, he will use a hundred efforts. If another man succeed by ten efforts, he will use a thousand. Let a man proceed in this way, and, though dull, he will surely become intelligent; though weak, he will surely become strong. * '''When we have intelligence resulting from sincerity, this condition is to be ascribed to nature; when we have sincerity resulting from intelligence, this condition is to be ascribed to instruction. But given the sincerity, and there shall be the intelligence; given the intelligence, and there shall be the sincerity.''' * '''It is only he who is possessed of the most complete sincerity that can exist under heaven, who can give its full development to his nature. Able to give its full development to his own nature, he can do the same to the nature of other men.''' Able to give its full development to the nature of other men, he can give their full development to the natures of animals and things. Able to give their full development to the natures of creatures and things, he can assist the transforming and nourishing powers of Heaven and Earth. '''Able to assist the transforming and nourishing powers of Heaven and Earth, he may with Heaven and Earth form a [[w:3 (number)#In human culture|ternion]].''' * '''Sincerity becomes apparent. From being apparent, it becomes manifest. From being manifest, it becomes brilliant. Brilliant, it affects others. Affecting others, they are changed by it. Changed by it, they are transformed. It is only he who is possessed of the most complete sincerity that can exist under heaven, who can transform.''' * '''It is characteristic of the most entire sincerity to be able to foreknow. When a nation or family is about to flourish, there are sure to be happy omens; and when it is about to perish, there are sure to be unlucky omens.''' * '''Sincerity is that whereby self-completion is effected, and its way is that by which man must direct himself.''' * '''Sincerity is the end and beginning of things; without sincerity there would be nothing.''' On this account, the superior man regards the attainment of sincerity as the most excellent thing. * '''To entire sincerity there belongs ceaselessness.''' Not ceasing, it continues long. Continuing long, it evidences itself. Evidencing itself, it reaches far. Reaching far, it becomes large and substantial. Large and substantial, it becomes high and brilliant. Large and substantial; this is how it contains all things. High and brilliant; this is how it overspreads all things. Reaching far and continuing long; this is how it perfects all things. So large and substantial, the individual possessing it is the co-equal of Earth. So high and brilliant, it makes him the co-equal of Heaven. So far-reaching and long-continuing, it makes him infinite. '''Such being its nature, without any display, it becomes manifested; without any movement, it produces changes; and without any effort, it accomplishes its ends.''' * '''The way of Heaven and Earth may be completely declared in one sentence: They are without any doubleness, and so they produce things in a manner that is unfathomable.''' * How great is the path proper to the Sage! Like overflowing water, it sends forth and nourishes all things, and rises up to the height of heaven. All-complete is its greatness! It embraces the three hundred rules of ceremony, and the three thousand rules of demeanor. It waits for the proper man, and then it is trodden. Hence it is said,''' "Only by perfect virtue can the perfect path, in all its courses, be made a fact." ''' * The superior man honors his virtuous nature, and maintains constant inquiry and study, seeking to carry it out to its breadth and greatness, so as to omit none of the more exquisite and minute points which it embraces, and to raise it to its greatest height and brilliancy, so as to pursue the course of the Mean. He cherishes his old knowledge, and is continually acquiring new. He exerts an honest, generous earnestness, in the esteem and practice of all propriety. Thus, when occupying a high situation he is not proud, and in a low situation he is not insubordinate. When the kingdom is well governed, he is sure by his words to rise; and when it is ill governed, he is sure by his silence to command forbearance to himself. * To no one but the Son of Heaven does it belong to order ceremonies, to fix the measures, and to determine the written characters. * The institutions of the Ruler are rooted in his own character and conduct, and sufficient attestation of them is given by the masses of the people. He examines them by comparison with those of the three kings, and finds them without mistake. He sets them up before Heaven and Earth, and finds nothing in them contrary to their mode of operation. He presents himself with them before spiritual beings, and no doubts about them arise. He is prepared to wait for the rise of a sage a hundred ages after, and has no misgivings. '''His presenting himself with his institutions before spiritual beings, without any doubts arising about them, shows that he knows Heaven. His being prepared, without any misgivings, to wait for the rise of a sage a hundred ages after, shows that he knows men.''' * '''All things are nourished together without their injuring one another. The courses of the seasons, and of the sun and moon, are pursued without any collision among them. The smaller energies are like river currents; the greater energies are seen in mighty transformations.''' It is this which makes heaven and earth so great. * It is only he, possessed of all sagely qualities that can exist under heaven, who shows himself quick in apprehension, clear in discernment, of far-reaching intelligence, and all-embracing knowledge, fitted to exercise rule; magnanimous, generous, benign, and mild, fitted to exercise forbearance; impulsive, energetic, firm, and enduring, fitted to maintain a firm hold; self-adjusted, grave, never swerving from the Mean, and correct, fitted to command reverence; accomplished, distinctive, concentrative, and searching, fitted to exercise discrimination. All-embracing is he and vast, deep and active as a fountain, sending forth in their due season his virtues. All-embracing and vast, he is like Heaven. Deep and active as a fountain, he is like the abyss. He is seen, and the people all reverence him; he speaks, and the people all believe him; he acts, and the people all are pleased with him. * '''It is only the individual possessed of the most entire sincerity that can exist under Heaven, who can adjust the great invariable relations of mankind, establish the great fundamental virtues of humanity, and know the transforming and nurturing operations of Heaven and Earth'''; — shall this individual have any being or anything beyond himself on which he depends? Call him man in his ideal, how earnest is he! Call him an abyss, how deep is he! Call him Heaven, how vast is he! Who can know him, but he who is indeed quick in apprehension, clear in discernment, of far-reaching intelligence, and all-embracing knowledge, possessing all Heavenly virtue? * '''It is the way of the superior man to prefer the concealment of his virtue, while it daily becomes more illustrious, and it is the way of the mean man to seek notoriety, while he daily goes more and more to ruin.''' It is characteristic of the superior man, appearing insipid, yet never to produce satiety; while showing a simple negligence, yet to have his accomplishments recognized; while seemingly plain, yet to be discriminating. '''He knows how what is distant lies in what is near. He knows where the wind proceeds from. He knows how what is minute becomes manifested. Such a one, we may be sure, will enter into virtue.''' * '''The superior man examines his heart, that there may be nothing wrong there, and that he may have no cause for dissatisfaction with himself.''' That wherein the superior man cannot be equaled is simply this — his work which other men cannot see. * The superior man, even when he is not moving, has a feeling of reverence, and while he speaks not, he has the feeling of truthfulness. * '''It is said in the ''[[w:Classic of Poetry|Book of Poetry]]'', "In silence is the offering presented, and the spirit approached to; there is not the slightest contention." Therefore the superior man does not use rewards, and the people are stimulated to virtue. He does not show anger, and the people are awed more than by hatchets and battle-axes.''' * Among the appliances to transform the people, sound and appearances are but trivial influences. ==== ''The Great Learning'' ==== [[File:孔庙古柏.jpg|thumb| Things have their root and their branches. Affairs have their [[end]] and their [[beginning]]. To [[know]] what is first and what is last will lead near to what is taught in the Great Learning.]] * '''What the great learning teaches, is to illustrate illustrious virtue; to renovate the people; and to rest in the highest excellence. <br> The point where to rest being known, the object of pursuit is then determined; and, that being determined, a calm unperturbedness may be attained to.''' To that calmness there will succeed a tranquil repose. In that repose there may be careful deliberation, and that deliberation will be followed by the attainment of the desired end. * '''Things have their root and their branches. Affairs have their end and their beginning. To know what is first and what is last will lead near to what is taught in the Great Learning.''' * '''The ancients who wished to illustrate illustrious virtue throughout the Kingdom, first ordered well their own states. Wishing to order well their states, they first regulated their families. Wishing to regulate their families, they first cultivated their persons. Wishing to cultivate their persons, they first rectified their hearts. Wishing to rectify their hearts, they first sought to be sincere in their thoughts. Wishing to be sincere in their thoughts, they first extended to the utmost their knowledge. Such extension of knowledge lay in the investigation of things.'''<br> Things being investigated, knowledge became complete. Their knowledge being complete, their thoughts were sincere. Their thoughts being sincere, their hearts were then rectified. Their hearts being rectified, their persons were cultivated. Their persons being cultivated, their families were regulated. Their families being regulated, their states were rightly governed. Their states being rightly governed, the whole kingdom was made tranquil and happy.<br> '''From the Son of Heaven down to the mass of the people, all must consider the cultivation of the person the root of everything besides.''' ====A Great Utopia (The World of Da-Tong) ==== (Confucius' Ideal of a Commonwealth State (of the people, by the people, and for the people) – a Great Utopia, Li-Yun-Da-Tong (Li-Yun-Dah-Tong) Section, the Record of Rites, Book IX,) <small> [https://www.tienshintemple.com/a-great-utopia.html (full text)]</small> *When the Great Dao (Tao, perfect order) prevails, the world is like a Commonwealth State shared by all, not a dictatorship. *Virtuous, worthy, wise and capable people are chosen as leaders. *Honesty and trust are promoted, and good neighborliness cultivated. *All people respect and love their own parents and children, as well as the parents and children of others. *The aged are cared for until death; adults are employed in jobs that make full use of their abilities; and children are nourished, educated, and fostered;...orphans... the disabled and the diseased are all well taken care of.... *They hate not to make use of their abilities... they do not necessarily work for their own self-interest. *Thus intrigues and conspiracies do not arise, and thievery and robbery do not occur; therefore doors need never be locked. *This is the ideal world – a perfect world of equality, fraternity, harmony, welfare, and justice. {{Misattributed begin}} ==Misattributed== ===Chinese=== * The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. ** [[Laozi]] in the ''[[w:Tao Te Ching|Tao Te Ching]]'', Chapter 64 *I hear and I forget. I see and I remember. I do and I understand. ** [[Xunzi]] in the [[w:Xunzi (book)|Xunzi]] * Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without. ** Attributed in Mohammed Sirajul Islam (1967), ''Everyman's General Knowledge'' ** In fact this is a Chinese saying by a Confucian scholar from the Ming Dynasty, 焦竑 (Jiao Hong) (1540—1620)《玉堂丛语》卷五: 宁为有瑕玉,不作无瑕石。 ===Not Chinese=== * Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves. ** Attributed in Lillet Walters (2000), ''Secrets of Superstar Speakers''; attributed in English sources as a "Japanese proverb" as early as 1924. Compare with a Japanese proverb 人を呪わば穴二つ (Hito wo norowaba ana futatsu), "Curse someone, then you will get two graves." * No matter how busy you may think you are, you must find time for reading, or surrender yourself to self-chosen ignorance. ** Atwood H. Townsend, editor of ''Good Reading'', various editions from at least 1960 * Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated. ** Attributed on the internet but not found in print prior to an attribution in [https://books.google.com/books?id=q2ofAQAAMAAJ&dq=%22Life+is+simple%22+but+we+insist+on+making+it+complicated&focus=searchwithinvolume&q=%22Life+is+simple%22+ ''Aero Digest'', Vols. 58–59, 1949, p. 115] * Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life. ** Misattributed to Confucius since at least 1985; correct origins are dubious, as mentioned in [http://quoteinvestigator.com/2014/09/02/job-love/ "Choose a Job You Love, and You Will Never Have To Work a Day in Your Life" at QuoteInvestigator.com (2 September 2014)]: the oldest English-language use of the proverb has been found in Woolfolk, Ann, "Toshiko Takaezu," ''Princeton Alumni Weekly'', Vol. '''83'''(5), 6 October 1982, p. 32: "Find something you love to do and you'll never have to work a day in your life." (attributed to Arthur Szathmary, who attributes it, in his turn, to an unnamed source). * A hundred girls aren't worth a single testicle. ** Attributed on the internet; a popular Vietnamese saying {{Misattributed end}} == Quotes about Confucius == *Let us not link ourselves with the vilifiers of [[Plato]] and the persecutors of Confucius. They were oppressed by citizens who were considered the pride of the country. Thus has the world raised its hand against the great Servitors. Be assured that the Brotherhood formed by [[Pythagoras]] appeared dangerous in the eyes of the city guard. [[Paracelsus]] was a target for mockery and malignance. [[w:Thomas Vaughan (philosopher)|Thomas Vaughan]] seemed to be an outcast, and few wished to meet with him. Thus was the reign of darkness manifested. **[[Agni Yoga]], ''Brotherhood'' (1937), 175. *If one examines the reasons for the [[persecution]] of the best minds of different nations, and compares the reasons for the persecution and banishment of [[Pythagoras]], [[Anaxagoras]], [[Socrates]], Plato, and others, one can observe that in each case the accusations and reasons for banishment were almost identical and unfounded. But in the following centuries full exoneration came, as if there had never been any defamation. It would be correct to conclude that such workers were too exalted for the [[consciousness]] of their contemporaries, and the sword of the [[Execution|executioner]] was ever ready to cut off a head held high. [[Pericles]] was recognized in his time only after people had reduced him to a sorry state. Only in that state could his fellow citizens accept him as an equal! A book should be written about the causes of the persecution of great individuals. By comparing the causes is it possible to trace the evil will. I advise you to write such a book. Let someone do it! Through research it will be possible to discover the inner similarities between the persecutions of Confucius and [[Seneca the Younger|Seneca]]. **[[Agni Yoga]], ''Supermundane'', (1938), 222. * '''What Confucius contributes to our religious thought is no [[theory]], but emphasis on individual [[conscience]] in belief.''' ** Brian Brown, ''Story of Confucius: His Life and Sayings 1927'', p. 16. [[File:Krishna instructing Arjuna.jpg|thumb|Every new cosmic cycle — we are entering a new one now, the [[Age of Aquarius]] — brings into the world a teacher. People like [[Hercules]] and [[Hermes]], [[Rama]], [[w:Mithra|Mithra]], [[Vyasa]], [[Zoroaster]], [[Confucius]], Krishna, [[w:Shankaracharya|Shankaracharya]], the [[Buddha]], the [[Christ]], [[Mohammed]] — these are all Masters who have come from the same spiritual centre of the planet, called the Spiritual, or Esoteric, Hierarchy, which is made up of the Masters and Their initiates and disciples of various degrees. ~[[Benjamin Creme]] ]] *Every new cosmic cycle — we are entering a new one now, the [[Age of Aquarius]] — brings into the world a teacher. People like [[Hercules]] and [[Hermes]], [[Rama]], [[w:Mithra|Mithra]], [[Vyasa]], [[Zoroaster]], [[Confucius]], [[Krishna]], [[Sankaracharya|Shankaracharya]], the [[Buddha]], the [[Christ]], [[Mohammed]] — these are all Masters who have come from the same spiritual centre of the planet, called the Spiritual, or Esoteric, Hierarchy, which is made up of the Masters and Their initiates and disciples of various degrees. **[[Benjamin Creme]], [https://share-international.org/books_AWT.html ''The Ageless Wisdom, An Introduction to Humanity's Spiritual Legacy, Share International''] (1996), p.6 *[[Plato]] and Confucius were fifth round men and our Lord a sixth round man (the mystery of his avatar is spoken of in my forthcoming letter) not even [[Gautama Buddha]]'s son was anything but a fourth round man. **[[Koot Hoomi]], [[The Mahatma Letters to A. P. Sinnett|''The Mahatma Letters to A. P. Sinnett'']], Letter XIV, p. 84, (1923) *Every Western [[Theosophy|Theosophist]] should learn and remember, especially those of them who would be our followers—that in our Brotherhood, all personalities sink into one idea—abstract right and absolute practical [[justice]] for all. And that, though we may not say with the Christians, ''return good for evil''—we repeat with Confucius— ''return good for good, for evil—justice''. **[[Koot Hoomi]], [[The Mahatma Letters to A. P. Sinnett|''The Mahatma Letters to A. P. Sinnett'']], Letter No. LXXXV, p. 401, (1923) *[[China]]'s [[Communism|Communist]] leaders, while officially genuflecting to [[Mao Zedong|Maoist]] ideology, are finding something of value in [[w:Chinese folk religion|folk religion]] and even Confucianism―so reviled by the founders of the People's Republic. It turns out that old virtues like [[honesty]], [[w:Filial obedience|filial obedience]], and respect for [[hierarchy]] have their uses in the [[Modernity|modern age]]. Singapore's long-term premier, [[Lee Kuan Yew]], has urged the Chinese regime to adopt Confucianism as a defining feature of [[Asia|Asian]] [[capitalism]]. **Joel Kotkin, ''The Coming of Neo-Feudalism: A Warning to the Global Middle Class'' (2020), p. 17 *Now let us imagine the situation of [[Moses]] if he had not resisted evil and had allowed the worst and crudest elements to destroy the best—the one which was able to assimilate the ideas of [[morality]] and [[order]]. What would have happened to his task? His duty as a leader and an earthly lawgiver was to protect his people and to maintain order. Therefore, the resistance to evil was basically necessary. All teachings of antiquity declare active resistance to evil. Thus, the well-known sage and lawgiver of China, Confucius, used to say, "God for good, but for evil—justice." **[[Helena Roerich]], ''Letters of Helena Roerich Volume I: 1929-1935'' (26 May 1934) *I remember a story about the great Confucius. Once he was very ill, and his friends, thinking that he was about to die prompted him to say his [[Prayer|prayers]]. The sage smiled and said, "My prayer started long ago." And indeed, was not all his life an unceasing service to the Great Ideal, which is the true prayer to the Highest? **[[Helena Roerich]], ''Letters of Helena Roerich Volume I: 1929-1935'' (21 July 1934) *Confucius... said that the one who does not react to slander, which is slowly absorbed by the brain, nor to insults, which, like sores, injure the body, that one verily can be called wise; he who takes no notice of either slander or insults can be called far-sighted. **[[Helena Roerich]], ''Letters of Helena Roerich Volume II,'' (18 November 1935) * I must confess that I am unable to appreciate the merits of Confucius. His writings are largely occupied with trivial points of etiquette, and his main concern is to teach people how to behave correctly on various occasions. When one compares him, however, with the traditional religious teachers of some other ages and races, one must admit that he has great merits, even if they are mainly negative. '''His system, as developed by his followers, is one of pure [[ethics]], without religious dogma; it has not given rise to a powerful priesthood, and it has not led to persecution.''' It certainly has succeeded in producing a whole nation possessed of exquisite manners and perfect courtesy. Nor is Chinese courtesy merely conventional; it is quite as reliable in situations for which no precedent has been provided. And it is not confined to one class; it exists even in the humblest coolie. It is humiliating to watch the brutal insolence of white men received by the Chinese with a quiet dignity which cannot demean itself to answer rudeness with rudeness. [[Europe|Europeans]] often regard this as weakness, but it is really strength, the strength by which the Chinese have hitherto conquered all their conquerors. ** [[Bertrand Russell]], ''The Problem of China'' (1922), Ch. XI: Chinese and Western Civilization Contrasted. * Our Master's teaching simply amounts to this: ''''[[loyalty]] to one's [[self]] and [[charity]] to one's neighbours'''.' ** [[w:Zengzi|Tseng Tzu]], as quoted in ''The Religions and Philosophies of the East'' (1911), by John McFarland Kennedy, p. 218 * Somebody asked Confucious once, one of his students; they said "What happens, Master Kong," which was his real name, "when we die?" He said, "Why do you ask about something we know nothing about, when you don't even ask about life, which we do have to deal with?" He was not going to answer that question, because there was none. ** [[Gore Vidal]], "Gore Vidal: The United States of Amnesia" documentary film (2013). Cf. ''Analects'' 11:12. * '''Confucianism stood for a rationalized [[social order]] through the [[ethical]] approach, based on personal cultivation. It aimed at [[political]] order by laying the basis for it in a [[moral]] order, and it sought political [[harmony]] by trying to achieve the moral harmony in [[man]] himself.''' Thus its most curious characteristic was the abolition of the distinction between politics and ethics. ** [[Lin Yutang]], ''The Wisdom of Confucius'' (1938), p. 6 *Confucius was not so much a philosopher as a proto-ideologist: what interested him was not metaphysical Truths but rather a harmonious [[social order]] within which [[individuals]] could lead happy and ethical lives. He was the first to outline clearly what could lead happy and ethical lives. He was the first to outline clearly what one is tempted to call the elementary scene of [[ideology]], its zero-level, which consists in asserting the (nameless) [[authority]] of some substantial [[Tradition]]. **[[Slavoj Zizek]], ''Living in The End Times '' == See also == *[[Ageless Wisdom teachings]] {{Social and political philosophers}} == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{wikisource author}} {{commonscat}} * [http://ctext.org/analects Analects of Confucius] - full text in Chinese and English at the [[w:Chinese Text Project|Chinese Text Project]] * [[w:Analects of Confucius|Analects of Confucius]] (Wikipedia article) * [http://www.friesian.com/confuci.htm Summary of Confucian teachings] * [https://web.archive.org/web/20150624070702/http://www.chinese-wiki.com/Analects_of_Confucius Analects of Confucius translated into Simplified Chinese and English - Chinese Wiki] * [http://plato.stanford.edu/entries/confucius/ Confucius] at the ''Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy'' * [http://academics.hamilton.edu/asian_studies/home/TempleCulture.html#Confucianism "The Cult of Confucius"] by Thomas A. Wilson * [http://www.san.beck.org/EC14-Confucian.html Confucius, Mencius and Xun-zi] by Sanderson Beck * [http://digital.library.upenn.edu/webbin/gutbook/lookup?num=4094 The Chinese Classics: Confucian Analects (in Chinese and English)] on Project Gutenberg *[http://www.hm.tyg.jp/~acmuller/contao/analects.html English Translation of the ''Analects'' by Charles Muller] * [http://zhongwen.com/rujia.htm Confucian classics] * [http://sangle.web.wesleyan.edu/etext/index.html Chinese Philosophical Etext Archive] at Wesleyan University * [http://www.onelittleangel.com/wisdom/quotes/confucius.asp Pictures and biography] [[Category:Founders of religions]] [[Category:Spiritual teachers]] [[Category:Philosophers from China]] [[Category:Historians from China]] [[Category:Educators from China]] [[Category:Aphorists]] [[Category:Chinese logicians]] [[Category:Editors from China]] [[Category:Social critics]] [[Category:Humanists]] [[Category:Vegetarians]] [[Category:BCE births]] [[Category:BCE deaths]] ebyd0lvbzwnjesdx26lxguhbm7d9zpu 0 141 3152921 3139388 2022-08-09T13:56:27Z Philip Cross 7192 /* 1926 */ title wikitext text/x-wiki {{semiprotected|small=yes}} : '''''See also: [[Mein Kampf]], [[Religious views of Adolf Hitler]]''''' <!-- This is an EXPERIMENTAL effort, towards which there remains some doubt and skepticism as to the propriety of such a page, as an improper precedent for further disruptive divisions of many kinds. ~ Kalki --> [[File:Hitler portrait crop.jpg|thumb|I want war. To me all means will be right. My motto is not 'Don't, whatever you do, annoy the enemy'. My motto is 'Destroy him by all and any means.' I am the one who will wage the war!]] '''{{w|Adolf Hitler}}''' (adɔlf ˈhɪtlɐ; 20 April 1889&nbsp;– 30 April 1945) was a [[W:Politics of Germany|German politician]] who was the [[W:List of Nazi Party leaders and officials|leader]] of the {{w|Nazi Party}}, {{w|Chancellor of Germany}} from 1933 to 1945, and {{w|Führer}} ("Leader") of {{w|Nazi Germany}} from 1934 to 1945. As [[dictatorship|dictator]], he initiated [[W:European theatre of World War II|World War II in Europe]] with the {{w|invasion of Poland}} in September 1939, and was central to [[the Holocaust]]. ==Quotes== ===1919=== *[[Antisemitism]] based on purely emotional grounds will always find its ultimate expression in the form of [[w:Pogrom|pogroms]]. A rational antisemitism, however, must lead to the systematic legal fight against and the elimination of the prerogatives of the [[Judaism|Jew]]. ... Its ultimate goal, however, must unalterably be the elimination of the Jews altogether. **Letter (16 September 1919), quoted in Eberhard Jäckel, ''Hitler's World View: A Blueprint for Power'' (Harvard University Press, 1981), p. 48 *Our fight is with [[money]]. [[Work]] alone will help us, not money. We must smash interest slavery. Our fight is with the [[Race|races]] that represent money. **Speech at the hall of Zum Deutschen Reich (December 18, 1919), quoted in [[w:Thomas Weber | Thomas Weber]], ''Becoming Hitler: The Making of a Nazi'' (Basic Books, 2017), p. 138. Police report of DAP meeting, SAM, DPM/6697 ===1920=== * The [[common good]] before the individual good. (''Gemeinnutz geht vor Eigennutz'') ** "[[w:National Socialist Program |The Nazi 25-point Programme]]," Hitler's speech on party's program (February 24, 1920) in Munich, Germany. ''Nazi Ideology Before 1933: A Documentation'', Barbara Miller Lane, ‎Leila J. Rupp, introduction and translation, Manchester University Press (1978) p. 43. * [[Socialism]] as the final concept of [[duty]], the ethical duty of work, not just for oneself but also for one's fellow man's sake, and above all the principle: Common good before own good, a struggle against all [[parasitism]] and especially against easy and unearned [[Redistribution of income and wealth|income]]. And we were aware that in this fight we can rely on no one but our own people. We are convinced that socialism in the right sense will only be possible in [[nations]] and races that are [[w:Aryan|Aryan]], and there in the first place we hope for our own people and are convinced that socialism is inseparable from [[nationalism]]. ** "Why We Are Anti-Semites," August 15, 1920 speech in Munich at the Hofbräuhaus. Speech also known as "Why Are We Anti-Semites?" Translated from ''Vierteljahrshefte für Zeitgeschichte'', 16. Jahrg., 4. H. (Oct., 1968), pp. 390-420. Edited by Carolyn Yeager. [https://carolynyeager.net/why-we-are-antisemites-text-adolf-hitlers-1920-speech-hofbr%C3%A4uhaus] * Since we are socialists, we must necessarily also be antisemites because we want to fight against the very opposite: [[materialism]] and mammonism... '''How can you not be an antisemite, being a socialist!''' ** "Why We Are Anti-Semites," August 15, 1920 speech in Munich at the Hofbräuhaus. Translated from ''Vierteljahrshefte für Zeitgeschichte'', 16. Jahrg., 4. H. (Oct., 1968), pp. 390-420. Edited by Carolyn Yeager. [https://carolynyeager.net/why-we-are-antisemites-text-adolf-hitlers-1920-speech-hofbr%C3%A4uhaus] * Because it seems inseparable from the social idea and '''we do not believe that there could ever exist a [[state]] with lasting inner health if it is not built on internal [[social justice]]''', and so we have joined forces with this knowledge. ** "Why We Are Anti-Semites," August 15, 1920 speech in Munich at the Hofbräuhaus. Translated from ''Vierteljahrshefte für Zeitgeschichte'', 16. Jahrg., 4. H. (Oct., 1968), pp. 390-420. Edited by Carolyn Yeager. [https://carolynyeager.net/why-we-are-antisemites-text-adolf-hitlers-1920-speech-hofbr%C3%A4uhaus] ===1921=== * Everyone was at one time a [[Social Democrat]]. ** As quoted in ''Hitler: Sämtliche Aufzeichnungen 1905-1924'', Eberhard Jäckel and Axel Kuhn, (editors) Stuttgart: Deutsche Verlags-Anstalt, 1980, p. 448 (quote from 1921) ===1922=== *The Jews have shown real genius in profiting by [[politics]]. This [[Capitalism|capitalistic]] people, which was brought into [[existence]] by the unscrupulous [[exploitation]] of men, has understood how to get the leadership of the Fourth Estate into its own hands; and by acting both on the [[Conservatism|Right]] and on the [[Left-wing politics|Left]] it has its apostles in both camps. On the Right the Jew does his best to encourage all the evils there are to such an extent that the man of the people, poor devil, will be exasperated as much as possible— [[greed]] of money, unscrupulousness, hard- heartedness, abominable [[Snob|snobbishness]]. More and more Jews have wormed their way into our upper-class families; and the consequence has been that the ruling class has been alienated from its own people. **As quoted in ''A History of National Socialism'', [[Konrad Heiden]], Methuen & Company, LTD, London: UK, 1934, p. 58. Speech in April, 1922 *There are only two possibilities in Germany; do not imagine that the people will forever go with the middle party, the party of compromises; one day it will turn to those who have most consistently foretold the coming ruin and have sought to dissociate themselves from it. '''And that party is either the [[left-wing politics|Left]]: and then God help us! for it will lead us to complete destruction - to [[Bolsheviks|Bolshevism]], or else it is a party of the Right which at the last, when the people is in utter despair, when it has lost all its spirit and has no longer any faith in anything, is determined for its part ruthlessly to seize the reins of power - that is the beginning of resistance of which I spoke a few minutes ago.''' Here, too, there can be no compromise - there are only two possibilities: either victory of the Aryan, or annihilation of the Aryan and the victory of the Jew.<br>..<br>And if we ask who was responsible for our misfortune, then we must inquire who profited by our collapse. And the answer to that question is that '[[Banking|Banks]] and [[w:Stock Exchange|Stock Exchanges]] are more flourishing than ever before.' We were told that capitalism would be destroyed, and when we ventured to remind one or the other of these famous [[Statesmanship|statesmen]] and said 'Don't forget that Jews too have [[capital]],' then the answer was: 'What are you worrying about? Capitalism as a whole will now be destroyed, the whole people will now be free. We are not fighting Jewish or [[Christianity|Christian]] capitalism, we are fighting very capitalism: we are making the people completely free.' ... It is only the international Stock Exchange and loan- capital, the so-called 'supra-state capital,' which has profited from the collapse of our economic life, the capital which receives its character from the single supra-state nation which is itself national to the core, which fancies itself to be above all other nations, which places itself above other nations and which already rules over them. The international Stock Exchange capital would be unthinkable, it would never have come, without its founders the supra-national, because intensely national, Jews.<br>..<br>We must on principle free ourselves from any class standpoint.<br>..<br>'NATIONAL' AND 'SOCIAL' ARE TWO IDENTICAL CONCEPTIONS. It was only the Jew who succeeded, through falsifying the social idea and turning it into Marxism, not only in divorcing the social idea from the national, but in actually representing them as utterly contradictory.<br>..<br>I am perhaps more capable than anyone else of understanding and realizing the nature and the whole life of the various German castes.<br>..<br>THERE ARE NO SUCH THINGS AS CLASSES: THEY CANNOT BE. Class means caste and caste means race. If there are [[Caste system in India|castes in India]], well and good; there it is possible, for there there were formerly Aryans and dark aborigines. So it was in [[Ancient Egypt|Egypt]] and in [[Roman Empire|Rome]]. But with us in Germany where everyone who is a [[Germans|German]] at all has the same [[blood]], has the same [[eyes]], and speaks the same [[language]], here there can be no [[Class conflict|class]], here there can be only a single people and beyond that nothing else.<br>..<br>At the founding of this Movement we formed the decision that we would give expression to this idea of ours of the identity of the two conceptions: despite all warnings, on the basis of what we had come to believe, on the basis of the sincerity of our will, '''we christened it "National Socialist.' We said to ourselves that to be 'national' means above everything to act with a boundless and all-embracing love for the people and, if necessary, even to die for it. And similarly to be 'social' means so to build up the state and the community of the people that every individual acts in the interest of the community of the people and must be to such an extent convinced of the goodness, of the honorable straightforwardness of this community of the people as to be ready to die for it'''. **[https://archive.org/stream/TheSpeechesOfAdolfHitler19211941/hitler-speeches-collection_djvu.txt Munich - Speech of April 12, 1922] *'''Once I really am in power, my first and foremost task will be the annihilation of the Jews'''. As soon as I have the power to do so, I will have gallows built in rows—at the [[w:Marienplatz|Marienplatz]] in [[w:Munich|Munich]], for example—as many as traffic allows. Then the Jews will be hanged indiscriminately, and they will remain hanging until they stink; they will hang there as long as the principles of hygiene permit. As soon as they have been untied, the next batch will be strung up, and so on down the line, until the last Jew in Munich has been exterminated. Other cities will follow suit, precisely in this fashion, '''until all Germany has been completely cleansed of Jews'''. **Statement to Josef Heil, 1922 quoted in [https://books.google.com/books?id=qPV_rGdhYpkC&pg=PA17&dq=Once+I+really+am+in+power,+my+first+and+foremost+task+will+be+the+annihilation+of+the+Jews.+As+soon+as+I+have+the+power+to+do+so,&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwi8uJGhnJbXAhUJbiYKHZXiDi4Q6AEIJzAA#v=onepage&q=Once%20I%20really%20am%20in%20power%2C%20my%20first%20and%20foremost%20task%20will%20be%20the%20annihilation%20of%20the%20Jews.%20As%20soon%20as%20I%20have%20the%20power%20to%20do%20so%2C&f=false Gerald Fleming, ''Hitler and the Final Solution'' pg. 17] ===1923=== *The [[w:Treaty of Versailles|Treaty of Versailles]] and the [[w:Treaty of St Germain|Treaty of St Germain]] are kept alive by Bolshevism in Germany. The Peace Treaty and Bolshevism are two heads of one monster. We must decapitate both.<br>..<br>'''In my scheme of the German state, there will be no room for the alien, no use for the wastrel, for the usurer or speculator, or anyone incapable of productive work.'''<br>..<br>'''Socialism is the [[science]] of dealing with the common weal. [[Communism]] is not Socialism. [[Marxism]] is not Socialism.''' The Marxians have stolen the term and confused its meaning. I shall take Socialism away from the Socialists. Socialism is an ancient Aryan, Germanic institution. Our German ancestors held certain lands in common. They cultivated the idea of the common weal. Marxism has no right to disguise itself as socialism. Socialism, unlike Marxism, does not repudiate [[private property]]. Unlike Marxism, it involves no negation of [[personality]], and unlike Marxism, it is [[Patriotism|patriotic]]. We might have called ourselves the Liberal Party. We chose to call ourselves the National Socialists. We are not [[Internationalism|internationalists]]. Our socialism is national.''' We demand the fulfilment of the just claims of the productive classes by the state on the basis of race solidarity. To us state and race are one.''' **[https://www.theguardian.com/theguardian/2007/sep/17/greatinterviews1 Interview with George Sylvester Viereck, 1923] *''Wenn deine Mutter alt geworden,<br>und älter du geworden bist,<br>wenn ihr, was früher leicht und mühlos,<br>nunmehr zur Last geworden ist,<br>wenn ihre lieben, treuen Augen,<br>nicht mehr wie einst ins Leben seh'n,<br>wenn ihre Füße, kraftgebrochen,<br>sie nicht mehr tragen woll'n mein Geh'n,<br>dann reich ihr deinen Arm zur Stütze,<br>geleite sie mit froher Lust,<br>die Stunde kommt, da du sie weinend<br>zum letzten Gang begleiten musst.<br>Und fragt sie dich, so gib ihr Antwort,<br>und fragt sie wieder, - sprich auch du,<br>und fragt sie nochmals, - steh' ihr Rede,<br>nicht ungestüm, in sanfter Ruh!<br>Und kann sie dich nicht recht verstehen,<br>erklär ihr alles frohbewegt,<br>die Stunde kommt, die bitt're Stunde,<br>da dich ihr Mund nach nichts mehr frägt.<br>'' **When your mother has grown old<br>and with her so have you,<br>When that which once came easy<br>has at last become a burden,<br>When her loving, true eyes<br>no longer see life as once they did<br>When her weary feet<br>no longer want to wear her as she stands,<br>then reach an arm to her shoulder,<br>escort her gently, with happiness and passion<br>The hour will come, when you, crying,<br>must take her on her final walk.<br>And if she asks you, then give her an answer<br>And if she asks you again, listen!<br>And if she asks you again, take in her words<br>not impetuously, but gently and in peace!<br>And if she cannot quite understand you,<br>explain all to her gladly<br>For the hour will come, the bitter hour<br>when her mouth will ask for nothing more.<br> ** Adolf Hitler, "Denk' es!" (Be Reminded!) 1923, first published in ''Sonntag-Morgenpost'' (14 May 1933). ===1924=== * I alone bear the [[responsibility]]. But I am not a [[Crime|criminal]] because of that. If today I stand here as a revolutionary, it is as a revolutionary against the [[revolution]]. There is no such thing as [[w:High treason|high treason]] against the [[Treason|traitors]] of 1918. ** [https://worldhistoryproject.org/1924/2/26/adolf-hitler-goes-on-trial-for-treason At his trial], 24 February 1924 ===1926=== * If the National Socialist Movement should fail to understand the fundamental importance of this essential principle [race], if it should merely varnish the external appearance of the present State and adopt the majority principle, it would really do nothing more than compete with Marxism on its own ground. ** ''Mein Kampf'', Volume 2, Chapter IV, "Personality and the Ideal of the People's State," Trans. Marco Roberto, MVR, 2015, p. 33, first published 1926 *[I]t is absolutely wrong to infer any ideal sense of [[sacrifice]] in the Jews from the fact that they stand together in struggle, or, better expressed, in the plundering of their fellow men. **''Mein Kampf'', as quoted in [https://www.google.com/books/edition/Anthropology_as_Ethics/OLnD7DXOHq4C?hl=en&gbpv=1&dq=%22absolutely+wrong+to+infer+any+ideal+sense+of+sacrifice+in+the+Jews+from+the+fact+that+they+stand+together+in+struggle,+or,+better+expressed,+in+the+plundering+of+their+fellow+men.%22&pg=PA320&printsec=frontcover ''Anthropology as Ethics: Nondualism and the Conduct of Sacrifice''] (2009), by T. M. S. Evens, p. 320 *As long as the Jew has not succeeded in mastering other peoples he is forced to speak their language whether he likes it or not. But the moment that the world would become the slave of the Jew it would have to learn some other language so that by this means the Jew could dominate all the more easily. **''Mein Kampf'', Chapter "Nation and Race" *How much the whole existence of this people is based on a permanent falsehood is proved in a unique way by ''[[The Protocols of the Meetings of the Learned Elders of Zion|The Protocols of the Elders of Zion]]'', which are so violently repudiated by the Jews. With groans and moans, the Frankfurter Zeitung repeats again and again that these are forgeries. This alone is evidence in favour of their authenticity. What many Jews unconsciously wish to do is here clearly set forth. It is not necessary to ask out of what Jewish brain these revelations sprang; but what is of vital interest is that they disclose, with an almost terrifying precision, the mentality and methods of action characteristic of the Jewish people and these writings expound in all their various directions the final aims towards which the Jews are striving. The study of real happenings, however, is the best way of judging the authenticity of those documents. If the historical developments which have taken place within the last few centuries be studied in the light of this book we shall understand why the Jewish Press incessantly repudiates and denounces it. For the Jewish peril will be stamped out the moment the general public come into possession of that book and understand it. **''Mein Kampf'', Chapter "Nation and Race" ===1928=== *I believe that I have enough energy to lead our people whither it must shed its blood [''zum blutigen Einsatz''], not for an adjustment of its boundaries, but to save it into the most distant future by securing so much land and space that the future will receive back many times the blood shed. **Speech (23 May 1928), quoted in Gerhard L. Weinberg, 'The world through Hitler's eyes', in ''Germany, Hitler, and World War II: Essays in Modern German and World History'' (Cambridge University Press, 1996), p. 51 ====''[[w:Zweites Buch|Zweites Buch]]'' (1928)==== :<small>[https://archive.org/details/ZweitesBuch-AdolfHitlersSecretBook Online at the Internet Archive]</small> * The National Socialist Movement, on the contrary, will always let its foreign policy be determined by the necessity to secure the space necessary to the life of our Folk. It knows no Germanising or Teutonising, as in the case of the national bourgeoisie, but only the spread of its own Folk. It will never see in the subjugated, so called Germanised, Czechs or Poles a national, let alone Folkish, strengthening, but only the racial weakening of our Folk. *We reject the political aims of the [[Business magnate|industrialists]]. **Speech at the May 1927 NSDAP provincial congress in Stuttgart. Dietrich Orlow, ''The Nazi Party 1919-1945: A Complete History'', Enigma Books (2010) p. 61 * The Folkish State, conversely, must under no conditions annex [[Poland|Poles]] with the intention of wanting to make Germans out of them some day. On the contrary, it must muster the determination either to seal off these alien racial elements, so that the blood of its own Folk will not be corrupted again, or it must without further ado remove them and hand over the vacated territory to its own National Comrades. * Jewry is a Folk with a racial core that is not wholly unitary. Nevertheless, as a Folk, it has special intrinsic characteristics which separate it from all other Folks living on the globe. Jewry is not a religious community, but the religious bond between Jews; rather is in reality the momentary governmental system of the Jewish Folk. The Jew has never had a territorially bounded State of his own in the manner of Aryan States. Nevertheless, his religious community is a real State, since it guarantees the preservation, the increase and the future of the Jewish Folk. But this is solely the task of the State. That the Jewish State is subject to no territorial limitation, as is the case with Aryan States, is connected with the character of the Jewish Folk, which is lacking in the productive forces for the construction and preservation of its own territorial State. * Because of the lack of productive capacities of its own, the Jewish Folk cannot carry out the construction of a State, viewed in a territorial sense, but as a support of its own existence it needs the work and creative activities of other nations. Thus the existence of the Jew himself becomes a parasitical one within the lives of other Folks. Hence the ultimate goal of the Jewish struggle for existence is the enslavement of productively active Folks. In order to achieve this goal, which in reality has represented Jewry's struggle for existence at all times, the Jew makes use of all weapons that are in keeping with the whole complex of his character. Therefore in domestic politics within the individual nations he fights first for equal rights and later for superior rights. The characteristics of cunning, intelligence, astuteness, knavery, dissimulation, and so on, rooted in the character of his Folkdom, serve him as weapons thereto. They are as much stratagems in his war of survival as those of other Folks in combat. In foreign policy, he tries to bring nations into a state of unrest, to divert them from their true interests, and to plunge them into reciprocal wars, and in this way gradually rise to mastery over them with the help of the power of money and propaganda. His ultimate goal is the denationalisation, the promiscuous bastardisation of other Folks, the lowering of the racial levy of the highest Folks, as well as the domination of this racial mishmash through the extirpation of the Folkish intelligentsia and its replacement by the members of his own Folk. * Politics is history in the making. * Zu einer solchen weisen Maßnahme waren einst '''Spart[j]aken''' [sie] fähig, aber nicht unser heutiges, verlogen sentimentales, bürgerlich-patriotisches Zeug. Die Herrschaft der 6000 '''Spartaner''' über 3 1/2 Hunderttausend Heloten war nur denkbar infolge des rassischen Hochwertes der Spartaner. Dieser aber war das Ergebnis einer planmäßigen Rasseerhaltung, so daß wir im spartanischen Staat den ersten völkischen zu sehen haben. Die Aussetzung '''kranker, schwächlicher, mißgestalteter Kinder''', d. h. also deren Vernichtung, war menschenwürdiger und in Wirklichkeit tausendmal humaner als der erbärmliche Irrsinn unserer heutigen Zeit, die krankhaftesten Subjekte zu erhalten, und zwar um jeden Preis zu erhalten, und hunderttausend gesunden Kindern infolge der Geburtenbeschränkung oder durch Abtreibungsmittel das Leben zu nehmen, in der Folgezeit aber ein Geschlecht von mit Krankheiten '''belasteten Degeneraten heranzuzüchten'''. [https://books.google.com/books?id=bBgfAAAAMAAJ&dq=Zu+einer+solchen+weisen+Ma%C3%9Fnahme+waren+einst&focus=searchwithinvolume&q=%22f%C3%A4hig%2C+aber+nicht+unser+heutiges%2C+verlogen+sentimentales%22+] *At one time the Spartans were capable of such a wise measure, but not our present, mendaciously [[Feelings|sentimental]], bourgeois patriotic nonsense. The rule of six thousand Spartans over three hundred and fifty thousand [[w:Helots|Helots]] was only thinkable in consequence of the high racial value of the Spartans. But this was the result of a systematic race preservation; thus [[w:Sparta|Sparta]] must be regarded as the first Völkisch State. The exposure of [[sick]], weak, deformed children, in short their destruction, was more decent and in truth a thousand times more humane than the wretched insanity of our day which preserves the most pathological subject, and indeed at any price, and yet takes the life of a hundred thousand healthy children in consequence of [[birth control]] or through [[abortions]], in order subsequently to breed a race of degenerates burdened with illnesses. ** As translated in ''Hitler's Secret Book'' (1961) Grove Press edition, pp. 8-9, 17-18 ===1930=== * What right do these people have to demand a share of property or even in [[Management|administration]]?... The employer who accepts the responsibility for production also gives the workpeople their means of livelihood. Our greatest industrialists are not concerned with the acquisition of wealth or with good living, but, above all else, with responsibility and power. '''They have worked their way to the top by their own abilities, and this proof of their capacity – a capacity only displayed by a higher race – gives them the right to lead.''' ** Adolf Hitler to Max Amann, May 1930 quotes in [https://books.google.com/books?id=CkdZBwAAQBAJ&pg=PA127&lpg=PA127&dq=have+worked+their+way+to+the+top+by+their+own+abilities,+and+this+proof+of+their+capacity+%E2%80%93+a+capacity+only+displayed+by+a+higher+race+%E2%80%93+gives+them+the+right+to&source=bl&ots=RlP4mOW504&sig=lyFV37iP2WvQC-6al732ME_lNlo&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwjYi--M4aLVAhWLNT4KHS9xAW8Q6AEIKTAB#v=snippet&q=amann&f=false A History of National Socialism (Responding to Fascism Vol 2)] ===1931=== * To put it quite clearly: we have an economic programme. Point No. 13 in that programme demands the [[Nationalization|nationalisation]] of all public [[companies]], in other words socialisation, or what is known here as [[Right-wing socialism|socialism]]. ... the basic principle of my Party's economic programme should be made perfectly clear and that is the principle of authority... the good of the community takes priority over that of the individual. But the State should retain control; every owner should feel himself to be an agent of the State; it is his duty not to misuse his possessions to the detriment of the State or the interests of his fellow countrymen. That is the overriding point. '''The Third Reich will always retain the right to control property owners. If you say that the bourgeoisie is tearing its hair over the question of [[private property]], that does not affect me in the least. Does the bourgeoisie expect some consideration from me?... Today's bourgeoisie is rotten to the core;''' it has no ideals any more; all it wants to do is earn money and so it does me what damage it can. The bourgeois press does me damage too and would like to consign me and my movement to the devil.<br>..<br>I will tolerate no [[opposition]]. We recognize only subordination – [[authority]] downwards and responsibility upwards. '''You just tell the German [[bourgeoisie]] that I shall be finished with them far quicker than I shall with Marxism... When once the [[Conservatism|conservative]] forces in Germany realize that only I and my party can win the German [[Working class|proletariat]] over to the State and that no parliamentary games can be played with Marxist parties, then Germany will be saved for all time, then we can found a German Peoples State.'''<br>..<br>Over the last forty years the German bourgeoisie has been a lamentable failure; it has not given the German people a single leader; it will have to bow without gainsaying to the totality of my ideology... The bourgeoisie rules by intrigue, but it can have no foothold in my movement because we accept no Jews or Jewish accomplices into our Party. ** Hitler's interview with [[w:Richard Breiting|Richard Breiting]], 1931, published in Edouard Calic, ed., "First Interview with Hitler,4 May 1931," ''Secret Conversations with Hitler: The Two Newly-Discovered 1931 Interviews'', New York: John Day Co., 1971, pp. 36-37. Also published under the title ''[[w:Unmasked: Two Confidential Interviews with Hitler in 1931 | Unmasked: Two Confidential Interviews with Hitler in 1931]]'' published by Chatto & Windus in 1971 * What matters is to emphasize the fundamental idea in my party's economic program clearly; the idea of authority. I want the authority; I want everyone to keep the property he has acquired for himself according to the principle: ''{{'}}Benefit to the community precedes benefit to the individual.{{'}}'' But the state should retain supervision and each property owner should consider himself appointed by the state. It is his duty not to use his property against the interests of others among his own people. This is the crucial matter. The Third Reich will always retain its right to control the owners of property. ** In 1931, as quoted in [https://books.google.com/books?id=kp3p_sIk8h8C&pg=PA303 ''Nazi Economics: Ideology, Theory, and Policy''] (1990), by Avraham Barkai, pp. 26&ndash;27 ===1932=== *This whole edifice of civilization is in its foundations and in all its stones nothing else than the result of the creative capacity, the [[achievement]], the [[intelligence]], the [[industry]], of [[Individualism|individuals]]: in its greatest triumphs it represents the great crowning achievement of individual God-favored [[Genius|geniuses]], in its average accomplishment the achievement of men of average capacity, and in its sum doubtless the result of the use of human labor-force in order to turn to account the creations of genius and of talent. So it is only natural that when the capable intelligences of a nation, which are always in a [[Minority group|minority]], are regarded only as of the same value as all the rest, then genius, capacity, the value of personality are slowly subjected to the majority and this process is then falsely named the rule of the people. For this is not rule of the people, but in reality the rule of [[stupidity]], of [[mediocrity]], of half-heartedness, of [[cowardice]], of [[weakness]], and of inadequacy.<br>..<br>Thus it must be admitted that in the economic sphere, from the start, in all branches men are not of equal value or of equal importance. And once this is admitted it is madness to say: in the economic sphere there are undoubtedly differences in value, but that is not true in the political sphere. It is absurd to build up economic life on the conceptions of achievement, of the value of personality, and therefore in practice the authority of personality, but in the political sphere to deny the authority of personality and to thrust into this place the law of the greater number — [[democracy]]. **Speech to the Industry Club (21 January 1932) as quoted in ''{{w|The Speeches of Adolf Hitler, April 1922 – August 1939}}'' (1994) by {{w|Norman Hepburn Baynes}}, {{w|Oxford University Press}}, p.787 * ...lift up your hearts and draw new faith from the resurrection of our people... Ultimately we shall live to see the kingdom of freedom, honour and social justice. Long live Germany! ** Speech at the Lustgarten in Berlin, April 4, 1932. As quoted in ''Hitler's Berlin: Abused City'', Thomas Friedrich, Yale University Press, 2012, p. 272. ===1933=== * The November parties have ruined the German [[Peasant|peasantry]] in fourteen years. <br> In fourteen years they have created an army of millions of unemployed. The National Government will, with iron determination and unshakable steadfastness of purpose, put through the following plan: <br> Within four years the German peasant must be rescued from the quagmire into which he has fallen. <br> Within four years [[unemployment]] must be finally overcome. At the same time the conditions necessary for a revival in trade and commerce are provided.<br>..<br>The Marxist parties and their lackeys have had fourteen years to show what they can do. The result is a heap of ruins.<br>..<br>Now, people of Germany, give us four years and then pass judgment upon us. In accordance with [[Paul von Hindenburg|Field Marshal von Hindenburg]]'s command we shall begin now. May God Almighty give our work His blessing, strengthen our purpose, and endow us with wisdom and the trust of our people, for we are fighting not for ourselves but for Germany. ** [http://der-fuehrer.org/reden/english/33-02-01.htm Speech in Berlin], 1 February 1933 * And now Staatsprasident Bolz says that Christianity and the Catholic faith are threatened by us. And to that charge I can answer: In the first place it is Christians and not international atheists who now stand at the head of Germany. I do not merely talk of Christianity, no, I also profess that I will never ally myself with the parties which destroy Christianity. If many wish today to take threatened Christianity under their protection, where, I would ask, was Christianity for them in these fourteen years when they went arm in arm with atheism? No, never and at no time was greater internal damage done to Christianity than in these fourteen years when a party, theoretically Christian, sat with those who denied God in one and the same Government. ** [http://der-fuehrer.org/reden/english/33-02-15.htm Speech in Stuttgart], 15 February 1933 *I am for force, because in force I see strength, and in strength the eternal mother of rights, and in rights the root of life itself. **Speech (11 March 1933), quoted in Martin Gilbert, ''Sir Horace Rumbold: Portrait of a Diplomat, 1869–1941'' (1973), p. 171 and ''The Times'' (22 March 1933), p. 15 *Weighing the sacrifices of [[World War I|the last war]], we want to be true friends of a peace which will at last heal the wounds from which all have suffered. **Speech in Potsdam (21 March 1933), quoted in ''The Times'' (26 September 1939), p. 9 * Late you come, yet you do come!... You should have recognized the beneficial power of criticism when we were in the opposition. Back then, you had not yet been confronted with these words; back then our [[press]] was verboten and verboten and again verboten; our assemblies were banned; we were not allowed to speak, and I was not allowed to speak -- and that went on for years! And now you say criticism is beneficial! **Speech in the Reichstag (23 March 1933) on the passing of the [[w:Enabling Act|Enabling Act of 1933]]. Hitler is responding to Otto Wels, leader of the Social Democrats, who had made a speech in favour of "criticism", i.e. freedom of political opposition.<ref name="Enabling English">http://www.worldfuturefund.org/Reports2013/hitlerenablingact.htm</ref><ref name="Enabling German">https://www.zum.de/psm/ns/hitler11_macht.php</ref> **Hitler opens his response with a quotation from Schiller, "Spät kommt ihr, doch ihr kommt!" * In a most generous and humane manner you, Mr. Field Marshal, plead the cause of those members of the Jewish people who were once compelled, by the requirements of universal military service, to serve in the war. <br> I entirely understand these lofty sentiments, Mr. Field Marshal. But, with the greatest respect, may I point out that members and supporters of my movement, who are Germans, for years were driven from all government positions, without consideration for their wives and children or their war service... Those responsible for this cruelty were the same Jewish [political] parties which today complain when their supporters are denied the right to official positions, with a thousand times more justification, because they are of little use in these positions but can do limitless harm... * In general, the primary aim of this cleansing process is only to restore a certain sound and natural balance, and, secondly, to remove from official positions of national significance those elements to which one cannot entrust Germany's survival or destruction. For it will not be possible to avoid, in the next few years, [the need] to make sure that certain processes which must not be communicated to the rest of the world for reasons of the highest national interest, will indeed remain secret. This can only be guaranteed by the inner homogeneity of the administrative bodies concerned. ** [http://alphahistory.com/nazigermany/hindenburg-and-hitler-on-jewish-war-veterans/ Letter to President Hindenberg], (April 5th 1933) * We want to earn the renewed ascent of the nation by honest means, through our industry, our persistence, our unshakable will! We are not asking of the Almighty, “Lord, make us free!” We want to take an active part, to work, to accept one another as brothers and unite in a common struggle so that one day the hour will come when we can step before the Lord and have the right to ask of Him, “Lord, You can see that we have changed. The German Volk is no longer a Volk of infamy, shame, self-reproach, faintheartedness, and little faith. <br> No, Lord, the German Volk is once again strong in its will, strong in its persistence, strong in bearing any sacrifice. Lord, we will not give You up! Now bless our fight for our freedom and thus our German Volk und Vaterland!” ** [http://der-fuehrer.org/reden/english/33-05-01.htm Speech in Lustgarten, Berlin], 1 May 1933 *No fresh European war is capable of putting something better in the place of unsatisfactory conditions which exist to-day. ... The outbreak of such madness without end would lead to the collapse of existing social order in Europe. ... The German Government are convinced that to-day there can be only one great task, and that it to assure the peace of the world. ... The German Government wish to settle all difficult questions with other Governments by peaceful methods. ... The German people have no thought of invading any country. **Speech in Berlin (17 May 1933), quoted in ''The Times'' (26 September 1939), p. 9 *We do not want a war merely for the purpose of bringing to Germany people who simply do not want to be, or cannot be, Germans. **Broadcast (27 May 1933), quoted in ''The Times'' (26 September 1939), p. 9 * I have sympathy for [[Franklin D. Roosevelt|Mr. Roosevelt]], because he marches straight toward his objectives over [[United States Congress|Congress]], [[Lobbying|lobbies]] and [[bureaucracy]]." Hitler went on to note that he was the sole leader in Europe who expressed "understanding of the methods and motives of President Roosevelt." ** ''The New York Times'' (July 1933), as quoted from: ''Adolf Hitler: The Definitive Biography'' New York, NY, Anchor Books, Doubleday (1992) p. 312n *There is no better guarantee for the peace of the world than the fanatical unity of the German people. **Speech in Kelheim (22 October 1933), quoted in ''The Times'' (26 September 1939), p. 9 *There are Germans and Poles in [[Europe]], and they ought to live together in agreement. The Poles cannot think of Europe without the Germans and the Germans cannot think of Europe without the Poles. **Speech in Berlin (24 October 1933), quoted in ''The Times'' (26 September 1939), p. 9 *When an opponent declares, 'I will not come over to your side, and you will not get me on your side,' I calmly say, 'Your child belongs to me already. A people lives forever. What are you? You will pass on. Your descendants however now stand in the new camp. In a short time they will know nothing else but this new community.' **Statement by Hitler at Elbing, Germany, ''Voelkischer Beobachter'' Berlin edition, (6 November 1933) Vol. V p. 198, and William L. Shirer, ''The Rise of the Third Reich: A History of Nazi Germany'', Simon & Schuster, 2011, p. 249 *I am not crazy enough to want a war. ... The German people have but one wish—to be happy in their own way and to be left in peace. They do not interfere in other people's business, and others should not interfere in theirs. ... When has the German people ever broken its word? **Speech in Berlin (10 November 1933), quoted in ''The Times'' (26 September 1939), p. 9 * The struggle between the people and the hatred amongst them is being nurtured by very specific interested parties. It is a small, rootless, international clique that is turning the people against each other, that does not want them to have [[peace]]. It is the people who are at home both nowhere and everywhere, who do not have anywhere a soil on which they have grown up, but who live in [[Berlin]] today, in [[Brussels]] tomorrow, [[Paris]] the day after that, and then again in [[w:Prague|Prague]] or [[Vienna]] or [[London]], and who feel at home everywhere. [Man in audience shouts 'Jews!'] They are the only ones who can be addressed as international elements, because they conduct their business everywhere, but the people cannot follow them. The people are bounded to their soil, bounded to its fatherland, bounded to the possibilities of life that the state, the nation, offers. ** [http://www.bbc.co.uk/history/worldwars/genocide/hitler_audio.shtml A speech at the Siemens Dynamo Works in Berlin (10 November 1933)] ===1934=== *The National Socialist racial idea and the science underlying it do not lead to the underrating or disparagement of other nations but rather to the recognition of the duty to preserve and maintain the life of our own people. Hence it leads inevitably to a natural respect for the life and character of other peoples. It thus frees foreign political activities from those attempts to subjugate other peoples in order to rule them or to incorporate them as a mere numerical mass in one's own nation by imposing a foreign language upon them. This new idea entails equally great and fanatical devotion to the life and hence to the honour and freedom of one's own people as it does respect for the honour and freedom of others. This idea can therefore provide an essentially better basis to the effort for a true pacification of the world than the sorting of the nations into groups of victors and vanquished, of those with rights and of those subjugated without rights, from mere considerations of strength. **Speech to the Reichstag, January 30, 1934 [Source: 'Hitler's Speeches (The Speeches of Adolf Hitler: April 1922 - August 1939): An English translation of representative passages arranged under subjects and edited by Norman H. Baynes', Oxford University Press, issued under the auspices of the Royal Institute of International Affairs, 1942. Foreign Policy, vol. II, p. 1158. *We do not wish to interfere with the [[rights]] of others, to restrict the lives of other peoples, to oppress or subjugate other people. **Speech in Lippe (14 January 1934), quoted in ''The Times'' (26 September 1939), p. 9 *National Socialism derives from each of the two camps the pure idea that characterizes it, national resolution from bourgeois tradition; '''vital, creative socialism from the teaching of Marxism.''' **Interview by [[w:Hanns Johst|Hanns Johst]] in ''Frankforter Volksblatt'' (January 27, 1934), quoted in David Schoenbaum, ''Hitler's Social Revolution: Class and Status in Nazi Germany, 1933–1939'' (New York: NY, W. W. Norton & Company, 1997), p. 57 * If we want a strong Germany, you must one day be strong, too. If we want a powerful Germany, you, too, must one day be powerful. If we want an honorable Germany, you must one day uphold this honor. If we want order in Germany, you must maintain this order. If we want to once again create a loyal Germany, you yourselves must learn to be loyal. You are the Germany of the future, and thus we want you to be what this Germany of the future must and will be. ** [http://der-fuehrer.org/reden/english/34-05-01.htm Speech at a youth rally in Berlin], 1 May 1934 *'''The hammer will once more become the symbol of the German worker and the sickle the sign of the German peasant,...''' **[http://www.nommeraadio.ee/meedia/pdf/RRS/Adolf%20Hitler%20-%20Collection%20of%20Speeches%20-%201922-1945.pdf May Day Speech at Tempelhof Air Field, Berlin] (1 May 1934), ''Adolf Hitler: Collection of Speeches 1922-1945'', ReichsMilitariaCom; 1st edition (2016), p. 184 *We have a great aim before us; a mighty work of reform of ourselves and our lives, of our life in common, of our [[Economics|economy]], of our [[culture]]. This work does not disturb the rest of the world. We have enough to do in our own house. **Speech in Gera (17 June 1934), quoted in ''The Times'' (26 September 1939), p. 9 *Mutinies are crushed in accordance with eternal and unchanging iron laws. **Speech in the Reichstag (13 July 1934) on the [[w:Night of the Long Knives|Night of the Long Knives]], quoted in Stephen H. Roberts, ''The House That Hitler Built'' (1945), p. 115 * ''Es wird stets nur ein Teil eines Volkes aus wirklich aktiven Kämpfern bestehen, und von ihnen wird mehr gefordert, als von den Millionen der übrigen Volksgenossen. '''Für sie genügt nicht die blosse Ablegung des Bekenntnisses: «Ich glaube»; sondern der Schwur: «Ich kämpfe!»'' ** It shall always be only a fraction of the people who stand out as truly active fighters, and more is expected from them than from the millions of their fellow countrymen. '''For them, the mere pledge of "I believe" is not enough, but rather the oath: "I fight!"''' *** Speech from the Sixth Nazi Party Congress, Nuremberg (September 8th, 1934) [https://web.archive.org/web/20150605015000/http://campbellmgold.com/archive_esoteric/hitler_closing_speech_triumph_of_the_will.pdf].<br>Video footage of this quotation can be found in the film [[w:Triumph of the Will|Triumph of the Will]] *What a man sacrifices in struggling for his Volk, a woman sacrifices in struggling to preserve this Volk in individual cases. What a man gives in heroic courage on the battlefield, woman gives in eternally patient [[devotion]], in eternally patient [[suffering]] and [[endurance]]. Every child to which she gives birth is a battle which she wages in her Volk's fateful question of to be or not to be. **Speech from the Sixth Nazi Party Congress, Nuremberg (September 8th, 1934), quoted in [https://books.google.com/books?id=a9dVAAAAYAAJ&q=What+a+man+sacrifices+in+struggling+for+his+Volk,+a+woman+sacrifices+in+struggling+to+preserve+this+Volk+in+individual+cases&dq=What+a+man+sacrifices+in+struggling+for+his+Volk,+a+woman+sacrifices+in+struggling+to+preserve+this+Volk+in+individual+cases&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwj8id_w8-TWAhXIRSYKHSn5CV0Q6AEILDAB Hitler: speeches and proclamations, 1932-1945 - Volume 2 - Page 533] ===1935=== *Germany will on her side never break the peace. Germany wishes to be on an honourable footing with the neighbour peoples. **Interview with [[w:George Ward Price|George Ward Price]] of the ''Daily Mail'' (17 January 1935), quoted in Ivone Kirkpatrick, ''The Inner Circle'' (1959), p. 67 *That was not always the case. In 1813 the German Army was prohibited by treaty. Yet I do not recollect that at [[Battle of Waterloo|Waterloo]] [[Arthur Wellesley, 1st Duke of Wellington|Wellington]] said to [[w:Gebhard von Blucher|Blücher]]: "Your army is illegal; kindly leave the field." **Reply to the British Foreign Secretary, [[w:John Simon, 1st Viscount Simon|John Simon]], who told Hitler that the British liked to see treaties observed (''c''. 24–27 March 1935), quoted in Ivone Kirkpatrick, ''The Inner Circle'' (1959), p. 68 *'''The Germany of today is a National Socialist State. The [[ideology]] that dominates us is in diametrical contradiction to that of Soviet Russia. National Socialism is a doctrine that has reference exclusively to the German people. Bolshevism lays stress on international mission. We National Socialists believe a man can, in the long run, be happy only among his own people. We are convinced the happiness and achievements of Europe are indissolubly tied up with the continuation of the system of independent and free [[w:Nation-state|national States]]. Bolshevism preaches the establishment of a world empire and recognizes only section of a central international.''' We National Socialists grant each people the right to its own inner life according to its needs and its own nature. Bolshevism, on the other hand, establishes doctrinal theories that are to be accepted by all peoples, regardless of their particular essence, their special nature, [[Tradition|traditions]], etc. National Socialism speaks up for the solution of social problems, issues and tensions in their own nation, with methods that are consistent with our common human, spiritual, cultural and economic beliefs, traditions and conditions. Bolshevism preaches the international class struggle, the international world revolution with the weapons of the terror and the violence. National Socialism fights for the reconciliation and consequent adjustment of the differences in life and the union of all for common benefits. Bolshevism teaches the overcoming of an alleged class rule by the dictatorship of the power of a different class. National Socialism does not attach importance to a only theoretical rule of the working class, but especially on the practical improvement of their living conditions and standard of living. Bolshevism fights for a theory and, for it, sacrifices millions of people, immense values of traditional culture and traditions, and achieves, compared with us, only a very low standard of living for all. '''As National Socialists, our hearts are full with admiration and respect for the great achievements of the past, not only in our own people but also far beyond. We are happy to belong to an European cultural community that has so tremendously embossed today's world with a stamp of its mind. Bolshevism rejects this cultural achievement of mankind, claiming that has found the beginning of the real cultural and human history in the year of birth of Marxism.''' We, National Socialists, do not want to be of the same opinion as our church organizations in this or that organizational question. But we never want a lack of belief in religion or any faith, and do not wish that our [[Church|churches]] become club-houses or [[Film|cinemas]]. Bolshevism teaches the godlessness and acts accordingly. '''We National Socialists see in private property a higher level of human economic development that according to the differences in performance controls the management of what has been accomplished enabling and guaranteeing the advantage of a higher standard of living for everyone. Bolshevism destroys not only private property but also private initiative and the readiness to shoulder responsibility.''' It has not been able to save millions of human beings from [[starvation]] in Russia, the greatest Agrarian State in the world. It would be unthinkable to transfer such a catastrophe into Germany, because, at the end of the day, in Russia there are 10 city dwellers for every 90 country dwellers, but in Germany for only 25 farmers there are 75 city dwellers. National Socialists and Bolshevists both are convinced they are a world apart from each other and their differences can never be bridged. Apart from that, there were thousands of our people slain and maimed in the fight against Bolshevism. '''If Russia likes Bolshevism it is not our affair, but if Bolshevism casts its nets over to Germany, then we will fight it tooth and nail.''' **Speech made at the Reichstag (21 May 1935) Found in ''[https://books.google.com/books?id=r_-htwAACAAJ&dq=hitler+may+21+1935+speech&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwir0MTAmInWAhXPaCYKHaFIB2UQ6AEIJjAA Translation of Herr Hitler's Speech to the German Reichstag on May 21, 1935]'' Foreign Office Press. [https://archive.org/stream/RedeDesFhrersUndReichskanzlersAdolfHitlerVorDemReichstagAm21.Mai/MicrosoftWord-Ah19350521#page/n11/mode/2up German version]. Published in the [https://www.newspapers.com/newspage/499099390/ Windsor Star] and [https://www.newspapers.com/newspage/419582432/ The Gazette] in May 22, 1935. *Germany has nothing to win in any European war. What we want is [[freedom]] and independence. Because of this desire we were ready to conclude pacts of non-aggression with all our neighbours. **Speech in the Reichstag (21 May 1935), quoted in ''The Times'' (22 May 1935), p. 18 *Germany neither intends nor wishes to interfere in the internal affairs of [[Austria]], to annex Austria, or to conclude an [[w:Anschluss|Anschluss]]. **Speech in the Reichstag (21 May 1935), quoted in ''The Times'' (26 September 1939), p. 9 * Why do we call the whole world's attention to the fact that we have no past? It isn't enough that the Romans were erecting great buildings when our forefathers were still living in mud huts; now [[Heinrich Himmler|Himmler]] is starting to dig up these villages of mud huts and enthusing over every potsherd and stone [[axe]] he finds. All we prove by that is that we were still throwing stone hatchets and crouching around open fires when [[Greece]] and Rome had already reached the highest stage of [[culture]]. We really should do our best to keep quiet about this past. Instead Himmler makes a great fuss about it all. The present-day Romans must be having a laugh at these revelations. ** Expounding his view on Himmler's heritage projects, formally pursued by the [[w:Ahnenerbe|Ahnenerbe]] movement launched in July 1935, as quoted in ''Inside the Third Reich: Memoirs by Albert Speer'', translated by Richard Winston and Clara Winston (New York: Macmillan, 1970), pp. 94-95 * Today women’s battalions were being formed in Marxist countries, and to that one could only reply, “That will never happen here! There are things a man does, and he alone is responsible for them. I would be ashamed to be a German man if ever, in the event of war, but a single woman were made to go to the front.” The woman had her own battlefield. With every child to which she gave birth for the nation, she was waging her battle for the nation. The man stands up for the Volk just as woman stands up for the family. A woman’s equal rights lie in the fact that she is treated with the high regard she deserves in those areas of life assigned to her by nature. ** [http://der-fuehrer.org/reden/english/35-09-13.htm Address to the German women in Nuremberg], 13 September 1935 * We want this people to be faithful, and you must learn [[fidelity]]. We want this people to be obedient, and you must practice [[obedience]]. We want this people to be peace-loving but also courageous, and you must therefore be peace-loving and at the same time courageous. We do not want this people to grow soft, but we want it to be hard so that it will be able to withstand the hardships of life. And for this you have to harden yourselves in your youth. You must learn to be hard, to stand privations without breaking down. We want this people to love honor and you already in the days of your youth must live up to this concept of honor. ** Speech (14 September 1935), quoted in Gordon W. Prange (1945). ''Hitler's Words''. New York: American Council on Public Affairs, p. 124. *We have undertaken to give the German people an [[education]] that begins already in youth and will never come to an end. It starts with the [[Children|child]] and will end with the 'old fighter'. Nobody will be able to say that he has a time in which he is left entirely alone to himself. ** Nuremberg Party Rally (14 Sept. 1935) Quoted in ''Hitler: Speeches and Proclamations, 1931-1945, Chronicle of a Dictatorship'', Max Domarus (ed.), Vol. 2, London, p. 701. *Germany is the bulwark of the [[w:Western world|West]] against Bolshevism, and, in combating it, will meet [[Terrorism|terror]] with terror and [[violence]] with violence. **Speech in Berlin (29 November 1935), quoted in ''The Times'' (26 September 1939), p. 9 ==== From the film ''[[Triumph of the Will]]'' (1935) ==== [[File:Bundesarchiv Bild 102-04051A, Reichsparteitag, Rede Adolf Hitlers.jpg|thumb|This order was not given to us by an earthly superior. It was given to us by God who created our people.]] * It is our will that this state shall endure for a thousand years. We are happy to know that the future is ours entirely! * We want this people to be hard, not soft, and you must steel yourselves for it in your youth! * We want a society with neither castes nor ranks and you must not allow these ideas to grow within you! * Our party remains as firm as this rock and will not be divided by any force in Germany. * When our party had only seven men, it already had two principles. First, it wanted to be a party with a true ideology. And second, it wanted to be the one and only power in Germany. * All upright Germans will be National Socialists, but only the best National Socialists will be party members! * It is not the state which commands us, but we who command the state. ** from minute 56:45 on * Nothing will come from nothing if it is not grounded on a greater order. This order was not given to us by an earthly superior. It was given to us by God who created our people. ** from minute 58:54 on ===1936=== *We want to be a peace-loving element among the nations. We cannot repeat that often enough. **Speech in Berlin (30 January 1936), quoted in ''The Times'' (26 September 1939), p. 9 *The German people do not wish to continue waging war to readjust frontiers. Each readjustment is bought by sacrifices out of proportion to what is to be gained. **Speech in Berlin (15 March 1936), quoted in ''The Times'' (26 September 1939), p. 10 *I have been guided always by the principle that German freedom has nothing to do with injury to others. ... It is one of the most elementary principles that nations should allow each other to live within their own territories as they wish to live. **Speech in Berlin (22 March 1936), quoted in ''The Times'' (26 September 1939), p. 10 * Whenever I stand up for the German peasant, it is for the sake of the Volk. '''I have neither ancestral estate nor manor... I believe I am the only statesman in the world who does not have a bank account. I hold no stock, I have no shares in any companies. I do not draw any dividends.''' **Speech to the Krupp Locomotive factory workers in Essen (27 March 1936), quoted in [[w:Michael Burleigh|Michael Burleigh]], ''The Third Reich: A New History'' (Hill and Wang), 2001, p. 246 *Germany has no claims to make against the European nations except to live exactly like the others. ... What we have in mind is a legal order of European national states with equal rights. **Speech in Cologne (28 March 1936), quoted in ''The Times'' (26 September 1939), p. 10 *The lie goes forth again that Germany to-morrow or the other day will fall upon Austria or Czecho-Slovakia. **Speech in Berlin (1 May 1936), quoted in ''The Times'' (26 September 1939), p. 10 *The menace was Bolshevism. It was difficult to make people realize this, they think it is a fanatical obsession, but it was a real danger of which people should take account. It was as great a phenomenon in history and its menace to the national states of Europe as great as the migration of peoples, e.g. [[Muslim|Mohammedan]]. It was necessary for [[w:Western Europe|Western Europe]] to stand together as a block against this danger. **Remarks to [[David Lloyd George]] (4 September 1936), quoted in Thomas Jones, ''A Diary with Letters. 1931-1950'' (Oxford University Press, 1954), p. 245 * '''I only acknowledge one [[nobility]]—that of [[Work|labour]].''' ** Quoted in the Nazi Party official newspaper ''[[w:Völkischer Beobachter|Völkischer Beobachter]]'' (November 21, 1936), [[w: Richard Grunberger | Richard Grunberger]], ''The 12-year Reich: A Social History of Nazi Germany 1933–1945'' (1971) p. 47 ===1937=== * The main plank in the National Socialist program is to '''abolish the [[Liberalism|liberalistic]] concept of the [[Individuality|individual]]''' and the Marxist concept of [[humanity]] and to substitute therefore the folk community, rooted in the soil and bound together by the bond of its common blood. ** ''[http://research.calvin.edu/german-propaganda-archive/hitler1.htm On National Socialism and World Relations]'', speech in the German Reichstag (January 30, 1937). German translation published by H. Müller & Sohn in Berlin. * '''Is there a nobler or more excellent kind of Socialism and is there a truer form of Democracy than this National Socialism''' which is so organized that through it each one among the millions of German boys is given the possibility of finding his way to the highest office in the nation, should it please Providence to come to his aid. ** Speech by Adolf Hitler, ''[http://research.calvin.edu/german-propaganda-archive/hitler1.htm On National Socialism and World Relations]'', delivered in the German Reichstag (January 30, 1937). German translation published by H. Müller & Sohn in Berlin. * And numerous people whose families belong to the peasantry and working classes are now filling prominent positions in this National Socialist State. Some of them actually hold the highest offices in the [[leadership]] of the nation, as Cabinet Ministers, ''[[w:Reichsstatthalter|Reichsstatthalter]]'' and ''[[w:Gauleiter|Gauleiter]]''. But '''National Socialism always bears in mind the interests of the people as a whole and not the interests of one class or another.''' The National Socialist Revolution has not aimed at turning a privileged class into a class which will have no rights in the future. Its aim has been to '''grant [[Human rights|equal rights]] to those social strata that hitherto were denied such rights.''' ** Speech by Adolf Hitler, ''[http://research.calvin.edu/german-propaganda-archive/hitler1.htm On National Socialism and World Relations]'', delivered in the German Reichstag (January 30, 1937). German translation published by H. Müller & Sohn in Berlin. * After four years from that date I now face the German people and you, gentlemen and members of the Reichstag, to give an account of what has been accomplished. On this occasion I do not think you will withhold your sanction from what the National Socialist Government has done and you will agree that I have fulfilled the promises I made four years ago. ** [http://der-fuehrer.org/reden/english/37-01-30.htm Speech to the Reichstag], 30 January 1937 * There can be but one German Youth Movement, because there is but one way in which German youth can be educated and trained... This Reich stands, and is building itself up anew, upon its youth. And this Reich will hand over its youth to no one, but will take its education and its formation upon itself. **Speech on May 1, 1937, quoted in [[w:John S. Conway (historian)|John S. Conway]], ''The Nazi Persecution of the Churches, 1933-45'' (New York, NY, Basic Books, 1968), p. 178 *We have set before ourselves the task of inoculating our youth ... at a very early age. ... This new Reich will give its youth to no one, but will itself take youth and give to youth its own education and its own upbringing. ** As quoted in ''The Rise and Fall of the Third Reich: A History of Nazi Germany,'' [[w:William L. Shirer | William L. Shirer]], Simon & Schuster Paperbacks, New York, 1990, p. 249 (May 1, 1937) * There is a difference between the theoretical knowledge of socialism and the practical life of socialism. People are not born socialists, but must first be taught how to become them. ** "German Volksgenossen!" Hitler's opening speech at the new Winterhilfswerk, Deutschlandhalle, Berlin (October 5, 1937). Also quoted in ''{{w|The Third Reich: A New History}}'' by {{w|Michael Burleigh}} [https://books.google.com/books?id=l5gcZpnL5QUC&pg=PA224] *Shoot [[Mahatma Gandhi|Gandhi]], and if that does not suffice to reduce them to submission, shoot a dozen leading members of [[w:Indian National Congress|Congress]]; and if that does not suffice, shoot 200 and so on until order is established. You will see how quickly they will collapse as soon as you make it clear that you mean business. **Remarks to British government minister [[Edward Wood, 1st Earl of Halifax|Lord Halifax]] at Berchtesgaden (19 November 1937), quoted in Ivone Kirkpatrick, ''The Inner Circle'' (1959), p. 97 and Andrew Roberts, '''The Holy Fox': The Life of Lord Halifax'' (1997), p. 72 ===1938=== *There are more than ten million Germans in two states, and in the Great War they fought side by side with German soldiers. Against their will they have been prevented from union with the Reich. Political separation, however, does not justify the disregard of national self-determination. Just as Britain stands up for her interests all over the globe, so Germany will know how to guard her more restricted interests. To these interests of the German Reich belongs the protection of those German peoples along our frontiers who are not in a position to secure their general human, political, and ''Weltanschauliche'' freedom by their own efforts. **Speech in the Reichstag (20 February 1938), quoted in Stephen H. Roberts, ''The House That Hitler Built'' (1945), p. 375 * The German people is no warlike nation. It is a soldierly one which means it does not want a war but does not fear it. It loves peace, but it also loves its honor and freedom. <br> The new Reich shall belong to no class, no profession, but to the German people. It shall help the people find an easier road in this world. It shall help them in making their lot a happier one. Party, state, armed forces, economics are institutions and functions which can only be estimated as a means toward an end. They will be judged by history according to the services they render toward this goal. Their purpose, however, is to serve the people. <br> I now pray to God that he will bless in the years to come our work, our deeds, our foresight, our resolve; that the almighty may protect us from both arrogance and cowardly servility, that he may help us find the right way which he has laid down for the German people and that he may always give us courage to do the right thing and never to falter or weaken before any power or any danger. <br> Long live Germany and the German people! ** [https://www.historycentral.com/HistoricalDocuments/Hitler'sSpeech.html Speech to the Reichstag], 20 February 1938 *Does anyone believe that there is an international [[conscience]]? **Speech in Leipzig (27 March 1938), quoted in Stephen H. Roberts, ''The House That Hitler Built'' (1945), p. 383 *[[Mustafa Kemal Atatürk|Atatürk]] was the first to show that it is possible to mobilize and regenerate the resources that a country has lost. In this respect Atatürk was a teacher; [[Benito Mussolini|Mussolini]] was his first and I his second student. **Meeting with a delegation of Turkish politicians and journalists (20 April 1938), quoted in Stefan Ihrig, [https://www.docdroid.net/xaZwuc0/stefan-ihrig-ataturk-in-the-nazi-imagination-pdf#page=125 ''Atatürk in the Nazi Imagination'' (2014), p. 116] *The motto must be, "Never war again." **Speech in Berlin (1 May 1938), quoted in ''The Times'' (26 September 1939), p. 10 *We are not interested in suppressing other nations. We do not want to see other nations among us. We want to live our own life. ... Germany and Poland are two nations, and these nations will live, and neither of them will be able to do away with the other. ... We have assured all our immediate neighbours of the integrity of their territory as far as Germany is concerned. That is no hollow phrase: it is our sacred will. ... The Sudetenland is the last territorial claim which I have to make in Europe. ... I have assured [[Neville Chamberlain|Mr. Chamberlain]], and I emphasize it now, that when this problem is solved Germany has no more territorial problems in Europe. **Speech in Berlin (26 September 1938), quoted in ''The Times'' (26 September 1939), p. 10 *Now, as a strong State, we can be ready to pursue a policy of understanding with surrounding States. We want nothing from them. We have no wishes or demands; we desire peace. ... No other people can need peace more than we. **Speech in Saarbrücken (9 October 1938), quoted in ''The Times'' (26 September 1939), p. 10 * God helps only those who are prepared and determined to help themselves. ** [http://der-fuehrer.org/reden/english/38-11-06.htm Speech in Weimar], 6 November 1938 *As a peace-loving man, I have made every effort to give the German nation the defence and the weapons which are appropriate to persuade others also for peace. A hedgehog never attacks another animal except when it is attacked. No one should come near us. We want only our quiet and the right to live. **Speech in Weimar (6 November 1938), quoted in ''The Times'' (26 September 1939), p. 10 *'Socialist' I define from the word 'social; meaning in the main 'social equity'. A Socialist is one who serves the common good without giving up his individuality or personality or the product of his personal efficiency. '''Our adopted term 'Socialist' has nothing to do with Marxian Socialism. Marxism is anti-property; true socialism is not.''' Marxism places no value on the individual, or individual effort, of efficiency; true Socialism values the individual and encourages him in individual efficiency, at the same time holding that his interests as an individual must be in consonance with those of the community. All great [[Invention|inventions]], discoveries, achievements were first the product of an individual [[brain]]. It is charged against me that I am against property, that I am an atheist. Both charges are false. **Speech given on December 28, 1938, quoted in [https://books.google.com/books?id=PxZoAAAAMAAJ&q=Our+adopted+term+%27Socialist%27+has+nothing+to+do+with+Marxian+Socialism.+Marxism+is+anti-property;+true+Socialism+is+not.&dq=Our+adopted+term+%27Socialist%27+has+nothing+to+do+with+Marxian+Socialism.+Marxism+is+anti-property;+true+Socialism+is+not.&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwjP_pa_xcLYAhVPRN8KHRk2CKsQ6AEIPjAE The Speeches of Adolf Hitler: April 1922-August 1939 pg. 93] ===1939=== [[File:Bundesarchiv Bild 183-E10402, Berlin, Reichstagssitzung, Rede Adolf Hitler.jpg|thumb|[[w:1 September 1939 Reichstag speech|I am determined]] … to see to it that a [[change]] is made in the relationship between [[Germany]] and [[Poland]] that [[w:Invasion of Poland|shall ensure a peaceful co-existence]]. ]] [[File:Polish victim of German Luftwaffe action 1939.jpg|thumb|I will not war against [[women]] and [[children]]. I have ordered my air force to restrict itself to attacks on [[military]] objectives.]] *We are going to destroy the Jews. They are not going to get away with what they did on 9 November 1918. The day of reckoning has come. **To the Czechoslovakian foreign minister (January 21, 1939) quoted in [https://books.google.com/books?id=K2pVlpLqmPAC&pg=PA130&lpg=PA130&dq=We+are+going+to+destroy+the+Jews.+They+are+not+going+to+get+away+with+what+they+did+on+9+November+1918.&source=bl&ots=z9H6ZVZY0C&sig=iG-hsqk8dUMTrdadIxa3m5cOYsY&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwjBpar5nZbXAhVH7CYKHVq_DOwQ6AEIJzAA#v=onepage&q=We%20are%20going%20to%20destroy%20the%20Jews.%20They%20are%20not%20going%20to%20get%20away%20with%20what%20they%20did%20on%209%20November%201918.&f=false Sarah Ann Gordon, Hitler, Germans, and the "Jewish Question" pg. 130] *When the statesmen of other countries threaten us with all kinds of economic counter measures I can only give the assurance that in such a case a desperate economic struggle would ensue which would be easy for us to carry out, easier for us than for the over-satisfied nations, because our leading idea would be a very simple one: The German nation must live—that means '''export or die'''. **Speech to the Reichstag (30 January 1939), quoted in ''The Times'' (31 January 1939), p. 14 * In the course of my life I have very often been a prophet, and have usually been ridiculed for it. During the time of my struggle for power it was in the first instance only the Jewish race that received my [[Prophecy|prophecies]] with laughter when I said that I would one day take over the leadership of the State, and with it that of the whole nation, and that I would then among other things settle the Jewish problem. Their laughter was uproarious, but I think that for some time now they have been laughing on the other side of their face. Today I will once more be a [[prophet]]: '''if the international Jewish financiers in and outside Europe should succeed in plunging the nations once more into a [[w:World war|world war]], then the result will not be the Bolshevizing of the earth, and thus the victory of Jewry, but the annihilation of the Jewish race in Europe!''' ** Speech to the Reichstag, (30 January 1939), as quoted at [http://www.historyplace.com/worldwar2/timeline/threat.htm The History Place]. *We are [[w:German rearmament|rearming]], but do not dream of attacking other nations, providing they leave us alone. ... We have given Central Europe a great fortune—namely, peace, which is protected by the German might. **Speech in Wilhelmshaven (1 April 1939), quoted in ''The Times'' (26 September 1939), p. 10 *The liberty of the individual ends where it starts to harm the interests of the [[Collectivism|collective]]. **[http://der-fuehrer.org/reden/english/39-05-01.htm Speech] in the Lustgarten, Berlin (1 May 1939) *Everything I undertake is directed against [[Russia]]. If the West is too stupid and [[Blindness|blind]] to grasp this, then I shall be compelled to come to an agreement with Russia, beat the West and then after their [[Failure|defeat]] turn against the [[Soviet Union]] with all my forces. I need the Ukraine so that they can't starve us out, as happened in the last war. **Discussion with Jacob Burckhardt, League of Nation commissioner. Quoted in [https://books.google.com/books?id=1nPPbpXUZA0C&pg=PA126&dq=hitler+is+against+russia+the+west&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwjR3PP6n5bXAhVC6CYKHTKJB3EQ6AEISjAG#v=onepage&q=hitler%20is%20against%20russia%20the%20west&f=false Norman Rich, Hitler's War Aims: Ideology, the Nazi State, and the Course of Expansion pg. 126] * What is important is that our Volk overcomes the aggressor and hence wins a future for itself. In a few weeks, the National Socialist combat readiness must have transformed itself into a unity sworn unto life and death. And then the capitalist war agitators in England and its satellite states shall shortly realize what it means to have attacked Europe's greatest Volk state without proper cause. ** As quoted in ''{{w|Hitler: Speeches and Proclamations}}'' by {{w|Max Domarus}} [https://books.google.com/books?id=5tdVAAAAYAAJ] * [[England]], unlike in 1914, will not allow herself to blunder into a war lasting for years... Such is the fate of rich countries... Not even England has the money nowadays to fight a world war. What should England fight for? You don't get yourself killed for an ally. ** 14 August 1939, ''The Rise and Fall of the Third Reich'' by William L. Shirer *Our [[enemies]] are men below average, not men of action, not masters. They are little worms. I saw them at Munich. **Speech to his generals at the Berghof (22 August 1939), quoted in John W. Wheeler-Bennett, ''The Nemesis of Power: The German Army in Politics 1918-1945'' (London: Macmillan, 1964), p. 447 *To the defense forces: The Polish nation has refused my efforts for a peaceful regulation of neighborly relationsl instead it has appealed to weapons. **reported [https://www.nytimes.com/1939/09/01/archives/hitler-gives-word-in-a-proclamation-he-accuses-warsaw-of-appeal-to.html 1 September 1939] (the full proclamation available [http://timesmachine.nytimes.com/timesmachine/1939/09/01/90734667.html via the TimesMachine]) in ''The New York Times'' "Hitler Gives Word" special cable from [[Otto D. Tolischus]] who was later awarded the Pulitzer prize in 1940 "for his dispatches from Berlin" (referenced in page 28 of 2021 book ''The Gray Lady Winked'') *We know that the English people in their entirety cannot be held responsible for all this. Rather it is the aforesaid Jewish-[[Plutocracy|plutocratic]] and democratic upper class who would like to '''conceive of the rest of the world as obedient [[Slavery|slaves]]; who hate our new Reich because it sees it as a pioneer of social work which it fears might infect their countries as well.''' **Speech, [http://www.nommeraadio.ee/meedia/pdf/RRS/Adolf%20Hitler%20-%20Collection%20of%20Speeches%20-%201922-1945.pdf "Appeal to the German Volk!"] ''Adolf Hitler: Collection of Speeches 1922-1945'' (3 September 1939) p. 621 *What they hate is the Germany which sets a dangerous example for them, this social Germany. It is the Germany of a social labor legislation which they already hated before the World War and which they still hate today. It is the Germany of social welfare, of social equality, of the elimination of class differences—this is what they hate! They hate this Germany which in the course of seven years has labored to afford its [[w:Volksgenossen|Volksgenossen]] a decent life. They hate this Germany which has eliminated unemployment, which, in spite of all their wealth, they have not been able to eliminate. This Germany which grants its laborers decent housing—this is what they hate because they have a feeling their own peoples could be "infected" thereby. They hate this Germany of social legislation, this Germany which celebrates the first of May as the day of honest labor. **[http://www.nommeraadio.ee/meedia/pdf/RRS/Adolf%20Hitler%20-%20Collection%20of%20Speeches%20-%201922-1945.pdf Speech "Party Comrades! My German Volksgenossen!] at the Bürgerbräukeller in Munich (8 November 1939) pp. 664-665 ==== [[w:1 September 1939 Reichstag speech|Reichstag speech declaring war against Poland (1 September 1939)]] ==== [[File:Battle of Poland.png|thumb|Whoever departs from the rules of [[humane]] [[warfare]] can only expect that we shall do the same. I will continue this struggle, [[World War II|no matter against whom]], until the safety of [[w:Nazi Germany|the Reich]] and its rights are secured.]] :<small> Declaration of war against [[Poland]] at the start of the [[w:Invasion of Poland|Invasion of Poland]], and what became [[World War II]] · [https://fcit.usf.edu/holocaust/resource/document/HITLER1.htm Full English translation online] </small> * I am determined to solve (1) the Danzig question; (2) the question of the Corridor; and (3) to see to it that a change is made in the relationship between Germany and Poland that shall ensure a peaceful co-existence. In this I am resolved to continue to fight until either the present Polish government is willing to continue to bring about this change or until another Polish Government is ready to do so. I am resolved to remove from the German frontiers the element of uncertainty, the everlasting atmosphere of conditions resembling civil war. I will see to it that in the East there is, on the frontier, a peace precisely similar to that on our other frontiers. <br /> In this I will take the necessary measures to se that they do not contradict the proposals I have already made known in the Reichstag itself to the rest of the world, that is to say, I will not war against women and children. I have ordered my air force to restrict itself to attacks on military objectives. If, however, the enemy thinks he can form that draw carte blanche on his side to fight by the other methods he will receive an answer that will deprive him of hearing and sight. * This night for the first time Polish regular soldiers fired on our territory. Since 5.45 A.M. we have been returning the fire, and from now on bombs will be met by bombs. Whoever fight with poison gas will be fought with poison gas. Whoever departs from the rules of humane warfare can only expect that we shall do the same. I will continue this struggle, no matter against whom, until the safety of the Reich and its rights are secured. ===1940=== * The [[w:Molotov–Ribbentrop Pact|Non-Aggression and Mutual Assistance Pact]] with the Soviet Union constituted the most outstanding feature of the year now past. From the outset, the attempt of the plutocratic statesmen of the West to pit Germany and Russia against each other was foiled;... '''[T]he reactionary Jewish warmongers in the capitalist democracies were not willing to let this opportunity to destroy Germany pass: too long had they prepared for this.''' For years they had waited for this hour. These Herren warmongers wanted war: they were to get it. **Speech, [http://www.nommeraadio.ee/meedia/pdf/RRS/Adolf%20Hitler%20-%20Collection%20of%20Speeches%20-%201922-1945.pdf "New Year's Proclamation to the National Socialists and Party Comrades"], ''Adolf Hitler: Collection of Speeches 1922-1945'' (1 January 1940) pp. 678-679 *Then the spirits of our fallen comrades shall rise from their graves to thank all those whose courage and loyalty have now once more atoned for the [[Sin|sins]] committed in an hour of weakness against them and against our Volk. Let our avowal of faith on this day be a solemn oath: the war forced upon the [[w:Greater German Reich|Greater German Reich]] by the capitalist rulers of France and England must be transformed into the most glorious victory in German history! **[http://www.nommeraadio.ee/meedia/pdf/RRS/Adolf%20Hitler%20-%20Collection%20of%20Speeches%20-%201922-1945.pdf Speech in the Berlin Zeughaus] (March 10, 1940) p. 699 * The blood of every single Englishman is too valuable to shed. Our two peoples belong together racially and traditionally. That is and always has been my aim, even if our generals can't grasp it. ** Said when the Dunkirk halt order was given, quoted in ''Hitler, Germans, and the "Jewish Question"'' by Sarah Ann Gordon, May 1940 *The National Socialist Movement has, besides its delivery from the Jewish capitalist shackles imposed by a plutocratic-democratic, dwindling class of exploiters at home, pronounced its resolve to free the Reich from the shackles of the Diktat of Versailles abroad. The German demands for a revision were an absolute necessity, a matter of course for the existence and the honor of any great people. [[Posterity]] will some day come to regard them as exceedingly modest.<br>..<br>I was scolded for my peace proposal, even personally insulted. '''[[Neville Chamberlain|Mr. Chamberlain]] virtually spat in my face before the world public and declined to even talk of peace... And it was thus that the big capitalist clique of war profiteers cried for a continuation of the war. And this continuation has now begun.''' **Speech to the Reichstag [http://www.nommeraadio.ee/meedia/pdf/RRS/Adolf%20Hitler%20-%20Collection%20of%20Speeches%20-%201922-1945.pdf "Deputies, Men of the German Reichstag!"] (July 19, 1940) pp. 712-713 * We want to build up a new state! That is why the others hate us so much today. They have often said as much. They said: "Yes, their social experiment is very dangerous! If it takes hold, and our own workers come to see this too, then this will be highly disquieting. It costs billions and does not bring any results. It cannot be expressed in terms of profit, nor of dividends. What is the point?! We are not interested in such a development. We welcome everything which serves the material progress of mankind insofar as this progress translates into economic [[profit]]. But social experiments, all they are doing there, this can only lead to the awakening of greed in the masses. Then we will have to descend from our pedestal. They cannot expect this of us." And we were seen as setting a bad example. Any institution we conceived was rejected, as it served social purposes. They already regarded this as a concession on the way to social legislation and thereby to the type of social development these states loathe. They are, after all, plutocracies in which a tiny clique of capitalists dominate the masses, and this, naturally, in close cooperation with international Jews and [[Freemasonry|Freemasons]]. **[[Wikisource:Adolf Hitler's Address at the Opening of the Winter Relief Campaign (4 September 1940)|Speech at the Berlin Sportpalast on the opening of the Kriegswinterhilfswerk]], September 4, 1940, Adolf Hitler collection of speeches 1922-1945 * After mastering its internal divisions, National Socialist Germany has proceeded step by step to cast off its enslavement.... Nevertheless, the Jewish-internationalist capitalists in connection with socially reactionary classes in the Western States have successfully roused the world democracies against Germany. ** As quoted in ''{{w|The Third Reich: A New History}}'' by {{w|Michael Burleigh}}, p.1909 * After the conquest of England, the British Empire would be apportioned as a gigantic world-wide estate in bankruptcy of forty million square kilometres. In this bankrupt estate there would be for Russia access to the ice-free and really open ocean. Thus far, a minority of forty-five million Englishmen had ruled six hundred million inhabitants of the British Empire. He was about to crush this minority.... Under these circumstances there arose world-wide perspectives.... All the countries which could possibly be interested in the bankrupt estate would have to stop all controversies among themselves and concern themselves exclusively with the partition of the British Empire. This applied to Germany, France, Italy, Russia and Japan. ** To Vyacheslav Molotov, 13 November 1940, quoted in ''The Rise and Fall of the Third Reich'' *After all, there are two worlds which confront each other. And they are right when they say: 'We can never reconcile ourselves to the National Socialist world.' For how could a narrow-minded capitalist possibly declare his agreement with my principles? It would be easier for the devil to go to church and take holy water. **[http://www.nommeraadio.ee/meedia/pdf/RRS/Adolf%20Hitler%20-%20Collection%20of%20Speeches%20-%201922-1945.pdf "Speech To Workers of Berlin," (Rheinmetall-Borsig works)], ''Adolf Hitler: Collection of Speeches 1922-1945'' (December 10, 1940) p. 747 * '''The creation of a socially just state, a model society that would continue to eradicate all social barriers.''' ** Speech to workers at Berlin's Rheinmetall-Borsig factory, Oct. 10, 1940. As quoted in, ''Hitler's Beneficiaries: Plunder, Racial War, and the Nazi Welfare State'', [[w:Götz Aly | Götz Aly]], New York: NY, Metropolitan Books (2007) p. 13. [https://books.google.com/books?id=hOIpGubiiZYC&pg=PA13] * In those countries, it is actually capital that rules; that is, nothing more than a clique of a few hundred men who possess untold wealth and, as a consequence of the peculiar structure of their national life, are more or less independent and free. They say: 'Here we have liberty.' By this they mean, above all, an uncontrolled economy, and by an uncontrolled economy, the freedom not only to acquire capital but to make absolutely free use of it. That means freedom from national control or control by the people both in the acquisition of capital and in its employment. This is really what they mean when they speak of liberty. These capitalists create their own press and then speak of the 'freedom of the press.' In reality, every one of the newspapers has a master, and in every case this master is the capitalist, the owner. This master, not the editor, is the one who directs the policy of the paper. If the editor tries to write other than what suits the master, he is ousted the next day. This press, which is the absolutely submissive and characterless slave of the owners, molds public opinion.<br>..<br>Yes, certainly, we jeopardize the liberty to profiteer at the expense of the community, and, if necessary, we even abolish it.<br>..<br>'''All my life I have been a 'have-not.' At home I was a 'have-not.' I regard myself as belonging to them and have always fought exclusively for them.''' I defended them and, therefore, I stand before the world as their representative. ** Speech to the Workers of Berlin (10 December 1940) ([[Wikisource:Adolf Hitler's Speech to the Workers of Berlin (10 December 1940)|Wikisource]]) * Truly, this earth is a trophy cup for the industrious man. And this rightly so, in the service of natural selection. He who does not possess the force to secure his [[w:Lebensraum|Lebensraum]] in this world, and, if necessary, to enlarge it, does not deserve to possess the necessities of life. He must step aside and allow stronger peoples to pass him by. ** Speech to officer cadets at the [[w:Berlin Sportpalast|Berlin Sportpalast]], 18 December 1940. {{cite book| title = Hitler: Speeches and Proclamations, 1932-1945 (English Volume III: 1939-1940) | last = Domarus |first = Max | authorlink = Max Domarus |publisher = Bolchazy-Carducci Publishers | year = 1997|page=2162 |isbn = 0865166277 }} ====Hitler and I (1940)==== :quotes from unspecified earlier dates per [[w:Otto Strasser|Otto Strasser]], Boston, MA, Houghton Mifflin Company (1940) * '''I am a socialist, and a very different kind of socialist from your rich friend Reventlow.''' I was once an ordinary workingman... But your kind of socialism is nothing but Marxism. **p. 106 * A strong State will see that production is carried on in the national interests, and, if these interests are contravened, can proceed to expropriate the enterprise concerned and take over its administration. **pp. 113-114 ===1941=== *The German world, as well as the [[Italy|Italian]] world, has overcome the age of the privileges of a few plutocratic capitalists and has replaced it with the age of the people. If [[Winston Churchill|Mr. Churchill]] and his appendage now declare that they cannot live in such a world, then they will not destroy the German world as a result, but instead, sooner or later, their own leaders will fall and thus give the people their freedom. In the struggle of plutocratic privilege against the National Socialist people's rights (''Volksrechte''), the latter will succeed! With this belief, we enter the year 1941. **Speech, [http://www.nommeraadio.ee/meedia/pdf/RRS/Adolf%20Hitler%20-%20Collection%20of%20Speeches%20-%201922-1945.pdf "New Year's Proclamation to the National Socialists and Party Comrades"], ''Adolf Hitler: Collection of Speeches 1922-1945'' (January 1, 1941) pp. 763-764 *And justice is on the side of those nations that fight for their threatened existence. And this struggle for existence will spur these nations on to the most tremendous accomplishments in [[w:World history|world history]]. If profit is the driving force for [[production]] in the democracies—a profit that industrialists, bankers, and corrupt politicians pocket—then the driving force in National Socialist Germany and Fascist Italy is the realization by millions of laborers that, in this war, it is they who are being fought against. '''They realize that the democracies, if they should ever win, would rage with the full capitalist [[cruelty]], that cruelty of which only those are capable whose only god is [[gold]], who know no human sentiments other than their obsession with profit, and who are ready to sacrifice all noble thought to this profit instinct without hesitation...''' This struggle is not an attack on the rights of other nations, but on the arrogance and avarice of a narrow capitalist upper class, one which refuses to acknowledge that the days are over when gold ruled the world, and that, by contrast, a future is dawning when the people will be the determining force in the life of a nation. **Speech, [http://www.nommeraadio.ee/meedia/pdf/RRS/Adolf%20Hitler%20-%20Collection%20of%20Speeches%20-%201922-1945.pdf "New Year's Proclamation to the National Socialists and Party Comrades"], ''Adolf Hitler: Collection of Speeches 1922-1945'' (January 1, 1941) pp. 764-765 * Germany's economic policy is conducted exclusively in accordance with the interests of the German people. In this respect '''I am a fanatical socialist, one who has ever in mind the interests of all his people.''' **[https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/Adolf_Hitler%27s_Speech_on_the_21st_Anniversary_of_the_National_Socialist_Party_(24_February_1941) Speech on the 21st Anniversary of the National Socialist Party (24 February 1941)] * I purchase the necessities of life with the productive power of German workmen. The results of our economic policy speak for us, not for the [[Gold standard |gold standard]] people. For we, the poor have abolished unemployment because we no longer pay homage to this madness, because we regard our entire economic existence as a production problem and no longer as a capitalistic problem. We placed the whole organized strength of the nation, the discipline of the entire nation, behind our economic policy. '''We explained to the nation that it was madness to wage internal economic wars between the various classes, in which they all perish together.''' **[https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/Adolf_Hitler%27s_Speech_on_the_21st_Anniversary_of_the_National_Socialist_Party_(24_February_1941) Speech on the "21st Anniversary of the National Socialist Party"] (24 February 1941) * ''' It is already war history how the German Armies defeated the legions of [[W:Themes in Nazi propaganda#Capitalists|capitalism and plutocracy]].''' After forty-five days this campaign in the West was equally and emphatically terminated. **[http://www.jewishvirtuallibrary.org/adolf-hitler-order-of-the-day-calling-for-invasion-of-yugoslovia-and-greece-april-1941 Berlin: Hitler's Order of the Day Calling for Invasion of Yugoslavia and Greece] (April 6, 1941) * What the world did not deem possible the German people have achieved.... It is already war history how the German Armies defeated the legions of capitalism and plutocracy. After forty-five days this campaign in the West was equally and emphatically terminated. ** "Adolf Hitler's Order of the Day Calling for Invasion of Yugoslavia and Greece," Berlin, (April 6, 1941), ''The New York Times'', April 7, 1941 * For over five years this man has been chasing around Europe like a madman in search of something he could set on fire. Unfortunately he again and again finds hirelings who open the gates of their country to this international incendiary. ** speaking about [[Winston Churchill]] at the [[w:Reichstag (Nazi Germany)|Reichstag]], 4 May 1941 [http://humanitas-international.org/showcase/chronography/speeches/1941-05-04.html]. * [[Turkey]] had been our ally in the [[World War I|World War]]. Its unfortunate result was as heavy a burden for Turkey as it was for us. The great and ingenious reconstructor of the new Turkey gave his Allies, beaten by fate, the first example of resurrection. While Turkey, thanks to the realistic attitude of her State leadership, preserved her independent attitude [[Yugoslavia]] fell a victim to [[United Kingdom|British]] intrigues. ** speaking about [[Turkey]] and [[Mustafa Kemal Atatürk]] at the [[w:Reichstag (Nazi Germany)|Reichstag]] [[s:Adolf Hitler's Address to the Reichstag (4 May 1941)|on 4 May 1941]]. * The war against Russia will be such that it cannot be conducted in a knightly fashion. This struggle is one of ideologies and racial differences and will have to be conducted with unprecedented, unmerciful, and unrelenting [[Harsh|harshness]]. All officers will have to rid themselves of obsolete ideologies. I know that the necessity for such means of waging war is beyond the comprehension of you generals but . . . I insist absolutely that my orders be executed without contradiction. ** Speaking about the invasion of Russia [http://mentalfloss.com/article/28033/operation-barbarossa-biggest-military-adventure-history]. * I, on the other hand, have tried for two decades to build a new socialist order in Germany, with a minimum of interference and without harming our productive capacity. ** Hitler's "Barbarossa" Proclamation, (June 22, 1941) [http://research.calvin.edu/german-propaganda-archive/hitler4.htm] *German people, in this very hour a movement of troops is taking place which in its extent and magnitude is the greatest that the world has ever seen. ... The task of this front is no longer the protection of individual countries but the safety of Europe and the salvation of us all. I have therefore decided to-day once again to entrust the fate and the future of the German Reich and of our nation to the hands of our soldiers. May our Lord God aid us in this greatest of all struggles. **Proclamation (22 June 1941), quoted in ''The Times'' (23 June 1941), p. 3 * When National Socialism has ruled long enough, it will no longer be possible to conceive of a form of life different from ours. <br> In the long run, National Socialism and religion will no longer be able to exist together. ** 11-12 July 1941, quoted in ''Hitler's Table Talk, 1941–1944'' * The heaviest blow that ever struck humanity was the coming of Christianity. Bolshevism is Christianity's illegitimate child. Both are inventions of the Jew. The deliberate lie in the matter of religion was introduced into the world by Christianity. Bolshevism practises a lie of the same nature, when it claims to bring liberty to men, whereas in reality it seeks only to enslave them. In the ancient world, the relations between men and gods were founded on an instinctive respect. It was a world enlightened by the idea of tolerance. Christianity was the first creed in the world to exterminate its adversaries in the name of love. Its key-note is intolerance. <br> Without Christianity, we should not have had Islam. The Roman Empire, under Germanic influence, would have developed in the direction of world-domination, and humanity would not have extinguished fifteen centuries of civilisation at a single stroke. <br> Let it not be said that Christianity brought man the life of the soul, for that evolution was in the natural order of things. ** 11-12 July 1941, quoted in ''Hitler's Table Talk, 1941–1944'' * If I had known that the figures for Russian tank strength which you gave in your book were in fact the true ones, I would not—I believe—ever have started this war. ** Said to General Heinz Guderian, 4 August 1941, as quoted ''Panzer Leader'' (1952) by Heinz Guderian *[T]he [[w:Raw materials|raw materials]] and agriculture of the [[Ukraine]] were vitally necessary for the future prosecution of the war. ... [the Crimea is] that Soviet [[w:Aircraft carrier|aircraft carrier]] for attacking the [[Romania|Rumanian]] oilfields. ... My generals know nothing about the economic aspects of war. **Remarks to General Guderian (23 August 1941), quoted in Heinz Guderian, ''Panzer Leader'' (1952), p. 200 * I did not want this struggle. Since January, 1933, when Providence entrusted me with the leadership of the German Reich, I had an aim before my eyes which was essentially incorporated in the program of our National Socialist party. I have never been disloyal to this aim and have never abandoned my program... Only when the entire German people become a single community of sacrifice can we expect and hope that Almighty God will help us. The Almighty has never helped a lazy man. He does not help the coward. He does not help a people that cannot help itself. The principle applies here, help yourselves and Almighty God will not deny you his assistance. ** Radio broadcast from Berlin, 3 October 1941. [http://www.jewishvirtuallibrary.org/adolf-hitler-broadcast-to-the-german-people-on-the-winter-help-scheme-october-1941] * By virtue of an inherent law, these riches belong to him who conquers them. The great migrations set out from the East. With us begins the ebb, from West to East. That's in accordance with the laws of nature. By means of struggle, the élites are continually renewed. The law of selection justifies this incessant struggle, by allowing the survival of the fittest. Christianity is a rebellion against natural law, a protest against nature. Taken to its logical extreme, Christianity would mean the systematic cultivation of the human failure. ** 10 October 1941, quoted in ''Hitler's Table Talk, 1941–1944'' *There is only one duty: to Germanise this country [the East] by the immigration of Germans, and to look upon the natives as Redskins. **Secret conversation October 17, 1941 quoted in [https://books.google.com/books?id=J1g7pxIrctQC&pg=PA703&lpg=PA703&dq='There+is+only+one+duty:+to+Germanize+%5B%E2%80%9Cthe+East%E2%80%9D%5D+by+the+immigration+of+Germans,+and+to+look+upon+the+natives+as+Redskins&source=bl&ots=ivCFt6jbTz&sig=NNM68pyr1zvuOQHh98r1XK0XlL0&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwillfzazpTXAhXFyyYKHblIApYQ6AEIMjAC#v=onepage&q='There%20is%20only%20one%20duty%3A%20to%20Germanize%20%5B%E2%80%9Cthe%20East%E2%80%9D%5D%20by%20the%20immigration%20of%20Germans%2C%20and%20to%20look%20upon%20the%20natives%20as%20Redskins&f=false World History, Volume 1 pg. 703] and [https://www.ushmm.org/wlc/en/article.php?ModuleId=10008219 The Holocaust Encyclopedia] * The reason why the ancient world was so pure, light and serene was that it knew nothing of the two great scourges: the pox and Christianity. Christianity is a prototype of Bolshevism: the mobilisation by the Jew of the masses of slaves with the object of undermining society. Thus one understands that the healthy elements of the Roman world were proof against this doctrine. Yet Rome to-day allows itself to reproach Bolshevism with having destroyed the Christian churches! As if Christianity hadn't behaved in the same way towards the pagan temples. ** 19 October 1941, quoted in ''Hitler's Table Talk, 1941–1944'' * But Christianity is an invention of sick brains: one could imagine nothing more senseless, nor any more indecent way of turning the idea of the godhead into a mockery. ** 13 December 1941, quoted in ''Hitler's Table Talk, 1941–1944'' * Pure Christianity—the Christianity of the catacombs—is concerned with translating the Christian doctrine into facts. It leads quite simply to the annihilation of mankind. It is merely whole-hearted Bolshevism, under a tinsel of metaphysics. ** 14 December 1941, quoted in ''Hitler's Table Talk, 1941–1944'' ====Speech Declaring War Against the United States (1941)==== :<small>[http://www.jewishvirtuallibrary.org/hitler-s-speech-declaring-war-against-the-united-states "Speech Declaring War Against the United States"] (11 December 1941)</small> * National-Socialism came to power in Germany in the same year as Roosevelt was elected [[President of the United States|President]]. . . Roosevelt comes from a rich family and belongs to the class whose path is smoothed in the Democracies. I am only the child of a small, poor family and had to fight my way by work and industry. When the Great War came, Roosevelt occupied a position where he got to know only its pleasant consequences, enjoyed by those who do business while others bleed. . . I shared the fate of millions, and Franklin Roosevelt only the fate of the so-called Upper Ten Thousand. . . he made profits out of the inflation, out of the misery of others, while I, together with many hundreds of thousands more, lay in hospital. * When Churchill and Roosevelt state that they want to build up a new [[social order]], later on, it is like a hairdresser with a bald head recommending an unfortunate hair-restorer. These men, who live in the most socially backward states, have misery and distress enough in their own countries to occupy themselves with the distribution of foodstuffs.... We are allied with strong peoples, who in the same need are faced with the same enemies. The American President and his Plutocratic clique have mocked us as the Have-nots-that is true, but the Have-nots will see to it that they are not robbed of the little they have. *[A]ll that which [[w:United States|America]] did not get from Europe may seem worthy of admiration to a Jewified mixed race, but Europe regards that merely as symptomatic of decay in artistic and cultural life, the product of Jewish or [[Black people|Negroid]] blood mixture. *We '''National Socialists are not at all surprised that the Anglo-American, Jewish and capitalist world is united together with Bolshevism. In our country we have always found them in the same community'''. Alone we successfully fought against them here in Germany, and after 14 years of struggle for power we were finally able to annihilate our enemies. ===1942=== * Thus the [[w:Home front|home-front]] need not be warned, and the prayer of this priest of the devil, the wish that Europe may be punished with Bolshevism, will not be fulfilled, but rather that the prayer may be fulfilled: "Lord God, give us the strength that we may retain our liberty for our children and our children's children, not only for ourselves but also for the other peoples of Europe, for this is a war which we all wage, this time, not for our German people alone, it is a war for all of Europe and with it, in the long run, for all of mankind." ** [http://der-fuehrer.org/reden/english/42-01-30.htm Speech in Berlin], 30 January 1942 * Churchill is the very type of a corrupt [[Journalism|journalist]]. There's not a worse [[Prostitution|prostitute]] in politics. He himself has written that it's unimaginable what can be done in war with the help of lies. He's an utterly amoral, repulsive creature. I'm convinced that he has his place of refuge ready beyond the [[w:Atlantic Ocean|Atlantic]]. He obviously won't seek sanctuary in [[Canada]]. In Canada he'd be beaten up. He'll go to his friends the [[w:Yankees|Yankees]]. As soon as this damnable [[winter]] is over, we'll remedy all that. ** 18 February 1942, quoted in ''Hitler's Table Talk, 1941–1944'' * Christianity is the worst of the regressions that mankind can ever have undergone, and it's the Jew who, thanks to this diabolic invention, has thrown him back fifteen centuries. The only thing that would be still worse would be victory for the Jew through Bolshevism. If Bolshevism triumphed, mankind would lose the gift of laughter and joy. It would become merely a shapeless mass, doomed to grayness and despair. ** 20-21 February 1942, quoted in ''Hitler's Table Talk, 1941–1944'' * It would always be disagreeable for me to go down to posterity as a man who made concessions in this field. I realise that man, in his imperfection, can commit innumerable errors— but to devote myself deliberately to error, that is something I cannot do. I shall never come personally to terms with the Christian lie. In acting as I do, I'm very far from the wish to scandalise. But I rebel when I see the very idea of Providence flouted in this fashion. ** 27 February 1942, quoted in ''Hitler's Table Talk, 1941–1944'' * Our epoch will certainly see the end of the disease of Christianity. It will last another hundred years, two hundred years perhaps. My regret will have been that I couldn't, like whoever the prophet was, behold the promised land from afar. ** 27 February 1942, quoted in ''Hitler's Table Talk, 1941–1944'' * The English language lacks the ability to express thoughts that surpass the order of concrete things. It’s because the German language has this ability that Germany is the country of thinkers. ** 7 March 1942, quoted in ''Hitler's Table Talk, 1941–1944'' * One may regret living at a period when it's impossible to form an idea of the shape the world of the future will assume. But there's one thing I can predict to eaters of meat: the world of the future will be [[Vegetarianism|vegetarian]]. ** Stenographic transcripts translated by Hugh Trevor-Roper Bullock, 11 November 1941, Alan (1993). Hitler and Stalin : Parallel Lives. Vintage. p. 679. ISBN 0-679-72994-1. * For many people the causes of this terrible war into which we were forced in 1939, began to be more clearly recognized, for this war did not bear the characteristics of the previous conflicts among the European nations to which we were accustomed. To an ever increasing degree it began to be generally realized that the reasons for this conflict were no longer to be sought in the usual interests even if plausible of the various nations, but that in reality it was one of those elementary struggles which shaking the foundations of the world but once in a thousand years, introduce a new millennium. ** [http://der-fuehrer.org/reden/english/42-04-26.htm Speech to the Reichstag], 26 April 1942 *In this tremendous and truly historical uprising of the nations we are all now taking our part, some of us as [[Leadership|leaders]], others as [[Acting|actors]] or [[Performance|performers]]. '''On one side we find the exponents of democracy, that is Jewish capitalism with all its deadweight of obsolete political theories and [[Parliamentary system|parliamentary]] [[corruption]],''' its out-moded social order, the Jewish brain trust, the Jewish [[newspapers]], stock exchanges and banks, a concern of mixed political and economic profiteers of the worst order, arm in arm with the Bolshevist state. **[https://www.jewishvirtuallibrary.org/adolf-hitler-speech-to-the-reichstag-assuming-new-power-april-1942 "Speech to the Reichstag Assuming New Powers"], (April 26, 1942) *The Jews were the carriers of that Bolshevist infection which once threatened to destroy Europe. It was also they who incited the ranks of the plutocracies to war, and it is the Jews who have driven [[United States|America]] to war against all her own interests, simply and solely from the Jewish capitalistic point of view. **[https://www.jewishvirtuallibrary.org/adolf-hitler-speech-to-the-reichstag-assuming-new-power-april-1942 "Speech to the Reichstag Assuming New Powers"], (April 26, 1942) *If I don't get the [[oil]] of [[w:Maykop|Maykop]] and [[w:Grozny|Grozny]], then I must finish (''liquidieren'') this war. **Remark to [[Friedrich Paulus]] (1 June 1942), quoted in Ian Kershaw, ''Hitler, 1936–1945: Nemesis'' (2001), p. 514 and N. Polmar and T. B. Allen, ''World War II: the Encyclopedia of the War Years, 1941-1945'' (2012), p. 194 * Had I finished off France in '39, then world history would have taken another course. But then I had to wait until 1940. Then a two-front war, that was bad luck. After that, even we were broken. ** [https://www.theguardian.com/media/2004/oct/15/radio.internationalnews In a meeting with Mannerheim], 4 June 1942 *The rapidity with which [[Mustafa Kemal Atatürk|Mustapha Kemal Ataturk]] rid himself of his parsons makes one of the most remarkable chapters in history. He hanged thirty-nine of them out of hand, the rest he flung out, and [[w:en:Hagia Sophia|St. Sophia]] in [[Istanbul|Constantinople]] is now a [[museum]]! **1 August 1942, quoted in Gerhard L. Weinberg (ed.), ''Hitler's Table Talk, 1941–1944'' (2008), p. 458 * A state like Switzerland, which is nothing but a pimple on the face of Europe, cannot be allowed to continue. ** 26 August 1942, quoted in ''Hitler's Table Talk, 1941–1944'' * In my eyes, the year 1942 already has behind it the most fateful trial of our people. That was the winter of '41 to '42. I may be permitted to say that in that winter the German people, and in particular its [[w:Wehrmacht|Wehrmacht]], were weighed in the balance by Providence. Nothing worse can or will happen. That we conquered that winter, that "[[w:General Winter|General Winter]]," that at last the German fronts stood, and that this spring, that is, early this summer, we were able to proceed again, that, I believe, is the proof that Providence was content with the German people... You do not realize what is hidden beneath these words in the way of human heroism, and also of human pain, and suffering, and we may say, often anxiety too, naturally, deathly anxiety on the part of all those who, especially for the first time, are placed before the trial of God in this highest court. ** ''[http://www.jewishvirtuallibrary.org/adolf-hitler-address-at-the-opening-of-the-winter-relief-campaign-september-1942 Address at the Opening of the Winter Relief Campaign]'' (September 30, 1942) * And today I stand by this same view. [[Fate]], or Providence, will give the victory to those who most deserve it... And when now, after 10 years, I again survey this period, I can say that upon no people has Providence ever bestowed more successes than upon us. The miracles we have achieved in the last three years in the face of a whole world of enemies are unique in history, especially the crises we very naturally often had in these years. ** ''[http://www.jewishvirtuallibrary.org/adolf-hitler-speech-on-the-19th-anniversary-of-the-ldquo-beer-hall-putsch-rdquo-november-1942 Speech on the 19th Anniversary of the "Beer Hall Putsch"]'' (November 8, 1942) ===1943=== * You know my opinion of [[Francisco Franco|Franco]]... We ought to keep these Red Spaniards on the back burner... They're lost to democracy, and to that reactionary crew round Franco too... I believe you to the letter, Speer, that they were impressive people. I must say, in general, that during the [[Spanish Civil War|civil war]] the idealism was not on Franco's side; it was to be found among the Reds&nbsp;... one of these days we'll be able to make use of them... The whole thing will start all over again. But with us on the opposite side. **As quoted in [[w:Albert Speer|Albert Speer]]'s diary entry for 26 December 1950 recalling a conversation with Hitler in January 1943, published in ''Spandau: The Secret Diary'' (2000), p. 167<!-- Weidenfeld & Nicholson --> * [[Surrender]] is forbidden. [[w:6th Army (Wehrmacht)|Sixth Army]] will hold their positions to the last man and the last round and by their heroic endurance will make an unforgettable contribution toward the establishment of a defensive front and the salvation of the Western world. ** [https://www.historyplace.com/worldwar2/defeat/catastrophe-stalingrad.htm In a message to General Paulus], 24 January 1943 * Instead, it will increasingly strive to realize, in the service of the national interest everywhere, a true Volksgemeinschaft as the highest ideal. All the more so after the war, the German National Socialist state, which pursued this goal from the beginning, '''will tirelessly work for the realization of a program that will ultimately lead to a complete elimination of class differences and to the creation of a true socialist community.''' <br> Thus, the five hundred forty-two thousand dead that this Second World War has up to now claimed will not have fallen in vain. Instead, they will live on eternally in our ranks as the undying heroes and pioneers of a better age. <br> May the Almighty, who has not denied us His blessings throughout these trials and Who has thereby reinforced our inherent strength, also grant us His assistance in the fulfillment of what we must do for our Volk, what we owe it, until the victory. We again bow reverently before our dead comrades, their family members in mourning, the murdered men, women, and children in the homeland, and all the sacrifices of our allies. ** [https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/Adolf_Hitler%27s_Speech_for_the_Heroes%27_Memorial_Day_(21_March_1943) Speech for the Heroes' Memorial Day (21 March 1943)] * [[Soldiers]] of the Reich! This day, you are to take part in an offensive of such importance that the whole future of the war may depend on its outcome. More than anything else, your victory will show the whole world that resistance to the power of the German Army is hopeless. ** In a message to German soldiers at the start of the Battle of Kursk, 5 July 1943, as quoted in ''Kursk'' by Rupert Matthews ===1944=== *Additionally, on special petition men should be able to enter into a binding [[Marriage|martial relationship]] not only with one woman, but also with another, who would then get his name without complications, and the children automatically getting the father's name **27-28 January 1944 according to point 28.(2) of a 29 January 1944 memo from Martin Bormann recounting a conversation about "Safeguarding the future of the German People", according to [https://books.google.ca/books?id=Ce7HAAAAQBAJ&pg=PA84 pages 83-84] of "A History of the Münster Anabaptists: Inner Emigration and the Third Reich", a critical 2008-edition translation by George von der Lippe and Viktoria Reck-Malleczewen of "Friedrich Reck-Malleczewen's Bockelson: A Tale of Mass Insanity" referencing Lang 478 ===1945=== * Providence shows no mercy to weak nations, but recognizes the right of existence-only of sound and strong nations...<p>This Jewish bolshevist annihilation of nations and its western European and American procurers can be met only in one way: by using every ounce of strength with the extreme fanaticism and stubborn steadfastness that merciful God gives to men in hard times for the defense of their own lives...<p>We have suffered so much that it only steels us to fanatical resolve to hate Our enemies a thousand times more and to regard them for what they are destroyers of an eternal culture and annihilators of humanity. Out of this hate<!--bate?--> a holy will is born to oppose these destroyers of our existence with all the strength that God has given us and to crush them in the end. During its 2,000-year history our people has survived so many terrible times that we have no doubt that we will also master our present plight. ** ''[http://www.jewishvirtuallibrary.org/adolf-hitler-speech-on-the-25th-anniversary-of-the-announcement-of-the-national-socialist-party-s-program-february-1945 Speech on the 25th Anniversary of the Announcement of the National Socialist Party's Program]'' (February 24, 1945) * If [[w:World War II|the war]] is lost, [[Germany|the nation]] will also perish. This fate is inevitable. There is no necessity to take into consideration the basis which the people will need to continue even a most primitive existence. On the contrary, it will be better to destroy these things ourselves, because this nation will have proved to be the weaker one and the future will belong solely to the stronger eastern nation (Russia). Besides, those who will remain after the battle are only the inferior ones, for the good ones have all been killed. ** To [[Albert Speer]] (1945), as quoted in [http://www.historyplace.com/worldwar2/defeat/enter-bunker.htm "Defeat of Hitler: Enter the Bunker"] (2010), ''The History Place'' *The soldiers on the [[w:Eastern Front of World War II|Eastern Front]] fight far better. The reason they give in so easily in the West is simply the fault of that stupid [[w:Geneva Convention (1929)|Geneva convention]] which promises them good treatment as [[Prison|prisoners]]. We must scrap the idiotic thing. **Remarks to General Guderian (March 1945), quoted in Heinz Guderian, ''Panzer Leader'' (1952), p. 427 * The war is lost! **Regarding the fate of World War II (1945), as quoted in [http://www.historyplace.com/worldwar2/defeat/enter-bunker.htm "Defeat of Hitler: Enter the Bunker"] (2010), ''The History Place'' * It is untrue that I or anybody else in Germany wanted war in 1939. ** [http://der-fuehrer.org/reden/english/45-04-29_T1.htm In his Last Political Testament], 29 April 1945 *'''The Palace of Justice in Brussels lies like a cyclops above the city, building a court of justice above a city, that is really something special. ''' :[https://youtu. be/gSE-FRtJwvQ?t=367 Histories - Hitler in Belgium, Part 1- The humiliation.] (2 Part documentary about Hitlers victory tour in Belgium on July 1, 1940.) Hitler was a Big fan of Leopold II's architect Joseph Poelaert, so much so that Hitler will send his own Architect Albert speer who at that moment is in charcge of the embellishment works of Berlin to Brussels later that year to make a study of the Palace of Justice of Brussels. ===dates unknown=== ====pub 1935==== * We do not want any other god than Germany itself. It is essential to have fanatical faith and hope and love in and for Germany. ** As quoted in ''A History of National Socialism'', [[Konrad Heiden]], A. A. Knopf (1935) p. 100 ====pub 1936==== * In a hundred years time, perhaps, a great man will appear who may offer them (the Germans) a chance at salvation. He'll take me as a model, use my ideas, and follow the course I have charted. ** As quoted in "Der Führer als Redner," Adolf Hitler. Bilder aus dem Leben des Führers" (The Fuhrer as a speaker) by [[Joseph Goebbels]] in 1936 ====pub 1944==== * '''We shall banish [[Desire|want]]. We shall banish [[fear]]. The essence of National Socialism is human welfare.''' There must be cheap [[w:Volkswagen |Volkswagen]] for workers to ride in, broad Reich [[w:Autobahn|Autobahns]] for the Volkswagen. National Socialism is the Revolution of the Common Man. Rooted in a fuller life for every German from childhood to old age, National Socialism means a new day of abundance at home and a Better World Order abroad. ** As quoted in ''Men in Motion'', Henry J. Taylor, Doubleday, Doran & Co., New York: NY, (1944) p. 59.<br>Also quoted in ''As We Go Marching'', John T. Flynn, New York: NY, Free Life Edition (1973) p. 154, first published 1944 [https://mises-media.s3.amazonaws.com/As%20We%20Go%20Marching_2.pdf] * '''In our movement the two extremes come together: the Communists from the Left and the officers and students from the Right.''' These two have always been the most active elements, and it was the greatest crime that they used to oppose each other in street fights... Our party has already succeeded in uniting these two utter extremes within the ranks of our storm troops. They will form the core of the great German liberation movement, in which all without distinction will stand together when the day comes to say: 'The Nation arises, the storm is breaking!' ** As quoted in ''Der Fuehrer: Hitler's Rise to Power'', [[Konrad Heiden]], Boston, MA, Beacon Press, 1969, p. 147, first published 1944.<br>Part of Hitler's quote also cited in ''Totalitarianism: Part Three of The Origins of Totalitarianism'', Hannah Arendt, A Harvest Book, 1985, footnote, p. 7 *5. Now, it is a fact that [[women]] who find themselves without a [[man]] after this war cannot have children by the [[Holy Spirit]] but only by men who have survived. Increased propagation by the individual man is - obviously from the standpoint of the good of the people - only desired in the case of a portion of these men. Good men with strong [[character]], physically and psychically healthy, are the ones who should reproduce extra generously, not the ones warped in body and mind.<br>6. If the dead of the past world war and the present are not to have died in vain, we must secure the victory with all means at hand. Every woman whose husband or brother or father or other relative was killed in one of these struggles must wish that! This means that every woman must wish that ''every'' healthy woman capable of doing so after the war's end will have as many children as possible, to secure the victory and to secure the future of our people and the future of her own grandchildren.<br>7. Now government [[Regulation|regulations]] alone, particularly in this ticklish area, serve no purpose whatsoever. Here only a very serious conviction born along by the Movement can lead to the required attitude. The question is too serious for wisecracks and cheap jokes; here what is truly at stake is the safeguarding of the future of our people.<br>8. After this war we cannot command women and girls to have [[Infant|babies]]. What is called for is the most intelligent [[Enlightenment (spiritual)|enlightenment]] possible - and here the much overused superlative is used advisedly.<br>9. This [enlightenment] must in my opinion not be carried out by men who might too easily be considered personally interested parties, [sexual] profiteers. In my opinion only older men should be allowed to speak on this theme, and above all, our women's organizations must perform the necessary job of enlightenment.<br>10. These needful actions involve not only convincing the women who have lost [[husbands]] or will never get one, but what is needed first of all is the enlightenment of the old folks, the mothers and fathers, who grew up among quite different attitudes in the past.<br>11. Still more necessary is the enlightenment of the [[wives]], who in many cases turn into fanatical [advocates] of [[Respect|respectability]] only after their marriage.<br>12. When we reflect on what is necessary to bring this so vitally important problem for our people to a successful solution, then we must make the situation clear for the individual case. At first many women - want of logic is something women are born with - will affirm the appropriateness [of the new order of things], but in the individual case, applied to their personal lives, they will fanatically reject it.<br>13. The public, i.e., general, enlightenment [campaign] can, for obvious reasons, only get under way after the war. To mention only one reason: we cannot yet appeal today to the women whose husbands might become casualties in the future, and also out of consideration for our soldiers we cannot begin our enlightenment campaign; that would assume that we would have to get this line of thinking across to our men now serving as soldiers, but not every soldier will accept the prospect of his wide or bride bearing children by another man after his own death.<br>14. Meanwhile we must be fully cognizant of the steps that can be taken while the war is still on, and of those to be introduced immediately after the war's end.<br>15. We must begin immediately to remove all impediments to the attainment of our objective; in particular, the point is to orientate contemporary [[poets]] and [[Writing|writers]]. New [[Novel|novels]], short stories and stage plays based on marriage and [[divorce]] are no longer to be permitted, and by the same token [we will allow] no [[Poetry|poems]], [[Writing|writings]], [[Film|motion pictures]] that treat the child born out of wedlock [unehelich] as of diminished worth, as a bastard.<br>(The word "unchelich" must, as I pointed out long ago, be expunged [right ouf of the language]. The prefix "un" generally denotes something to be rejected. **as quoted on [https://books.google.ca/books?id=jPckDQAAQBAJ&pg=PA835 page 835] of "The Third Reich Sourcebook" by Anson Rabinbach and Sander L. Gilman, published 10 July 2013 by University of California Press.<br>From chapter "397. Martin Bormann, Safeguarding the Future of the German People (1944)" (pg 834) under section "29. Total War: 1939-1945" (pg 815), under "PART TEN. WAR, CONQUEST, AND THE ANNIHILATION OF THE JEWS" (pg 720) ====pub 1954==== * I know that some Man capable of giving our problems a final solution must appear. I have sought such a Man. I could nowhere discover Him. And that is why I have set myself to do the preparatory work; only the most urgent preparatory work, for I know that I am myself not, the One. And I know also what is missing in me. But the other One still remains aloof, and nobody comes forward, and there is no more time to be lost. ** As quoted in ''Warum? Woher? Aber Wohin?'' (published 1 January 1954) by Hans Grimm, p. 14 ====pub 1961==== * I want war. To me all means will be right. My motto is not "Don't, whatever you do, annoy the enemy." My motto is "Destroy him by all and any means." I am the one who will wage the war! ** As quoted in ''[[w:Hitler and Nazism|Hitler and Nazism]]'' (1961) by [[w:Louis Leo Snyder|Louis Leo Snyder]], p. 66 ====pub 1968==== * We stand for the maintenance of [[property|private property]]... We shall protect [[Laissez-faire|free enterprise]] as the most expedient, or rather the sole possible economic order. ** Quoted in [https://www.google.it/books/edition/Der_Fuehrer/_lUTAQAAMAAJ?hl=it&gbpv=1&bsq=%22We+stand+for+the+maintenance+of+private+property...+We+shall+protect+free+enterprise+as+the+most+expedient,+or+rather+the+sole+possible+economic+order.%22&dq=%22We+stand+for+the+maintenance+of+private+property...+We+shall+protect+free+enterprise+as+the+most+expedient,+or+rather+the+sole+possible+economic+order.%22&printsec=frontcover ''Der Fuehrer, Hitler's Rise to Power''], by [[Konrad Heiden]]. Statement of the 1920. ====pub 1971==== * I intend to set up a thousand-year Reich and anyone who supports me in this battle is a fellow-fighter for a unique spiritual&mdash;I would say divine&mdash;creation... [[Rudolf Hess]], my assistant of many years standing, would tell you: If we have such a leader, God is with us. ** As quoted in ''Secret Conversations with Hitler: The Two Newly-Discovered 1931 Interviews'' (1971) by [[w:Richard Breiting|Richard Breiting]], p. 68 ====pub 1972==== * Genius is a will-o'-the-wisp if it lacks a solid foundation of [[perseverance]] and fanatical tenacity. This is the most important thing in all of human life... ** As quoted in ''How the Allies Won'' (1995) by Richard Overy, citing ''Hitler: The Man and the Military Leader'' (1972) by P.E. Schramm ====pub 1974==== * National socialism is the determination to create a new man. There will no longer exist any individual arbitrary will, nor realms in which the individual belongs to himself. The time of happiness as a private matter is over. ** As quoted in ''Hitler'' (1974) by Joachim C. Fest, p. 533 <!-- New York: Harcourt Brace Jovanovich --> ====pub 1977==== * They bring in high earnings without work. One of these days I'll sweep away this outrage and nationalize all [[corporations]]. ** As quoted in ''Spandau: The Secret Diaries'', Albert Speer, New York, NY, Pocket Books (1977) p. 84 ====pub 1979==== [[File:Ares Ludovisi Altemps Inv8602 n3.jpg|thumb|The god of war has gone over to the other side.]] * '''The god of war has gone over to the other side.''' ** Statement to [[w:Alfred Jodl|Alfred Jodl]], after losses in the [[w:Battle of Stalingrad|Battle of Stalingrad]], as quoted in ''The Second World War: An Illustrated History'' (1979) by [[w: A. J. P. Taylor|A. J. P. Taylor]] ====pub 1987==== * This German [[w:Volksgemeinschaft|Volksgemeinschaft]] is truly practical socialism and therefore National Socialism in the best sense of the word. Here everyone is obligated to carry his load. ** As quoted in ''Stagnation and Renewal in Social Policy: The Rise and Fall of Policy Regimes'', editors: Martin Rein, Gøsta Esping-Andersen, and Lee Rainwater (1987) p. 63 * If the Italians hadn't attacked Greece and needed our help, the war would have taken a different course. We could have anticipated the Russian cold by weeks and conquered Leningrad and Moscow. There would have been no Stalingrad. ** Quoted in ''Leni Riefenstahl: A Memoir'' by Leni Riefenstahl ====pub 1993==== * You will never learn what I am thinking. And those who boast most loudly that they know my thought, to such people I lie even more. ** Statement to [[Franz Halder]], as quoted in ''{{w|The Psychopathic God}}'' (1993) by [[w: Robert G. L. Waite|Robert George Leeson Waite]], p. xi ====pub 1999==== [[File:Henry_ford_1919.jpg|thumb|I regard [[Henry Ford|Ford]] as my inspiration.]] *I regard Ford as my inspiration. **Attributed in Bill McGraw, "''Forced Labor and Ford: History of Nazi Labor Stares Ford in the Face''", Detroit Free Press, 21 December 1999, p. B1; as cited in Timothy W. Ryback, ''Hitler's Private Library: The Books That Shaped His Life'', p. 71 & footnote p. 275. ====pub 2000==== * The broad [[Masses|mass]] is [[Femininity|feminine]]." ** As quoted in ''Hitler 1889-1936: Hubris'', Ian Kershaw, Page iii (published 4 April 2000) ====pub 2001==== *(p.1884) I never lost my belief, in the midst of setbacks which were not spared me during my period of struggle. Providence has had the last word and brought me success.<br>(p.2842) Not long ago, an American magazine wrote that what was worst about National Socialism was its women. They said that National Socialism did more for women than any other nation. It improved their social position. It began to bring them together in tremendous organizations. It sent the women of the educated classes into the factories so that female workers could go on vacation, and so on. The paper concluded that the democracies could not imitate this. ** As quoted 1 November 2002 in ''{{w|The Third Reich: A New History}}'' by {{w|Michael Burleigh}} ====pub 2009==== [[File:Alois Hitler (cropped).jpeg|thumb|I never loved my father, [he used to say,] but feared him. He was prone to rages and would resort to violence.]] * I never loved my father, [he used to say,] but feared him. He was prone to rages and would resort to violence. My poor mother would then always be afraid for me. When I read [[w:Karl May|Karl May]] once that it was a sign of [[bravery]] to hide one's pain, I decided that when he beat me the next time I would make no sound. When it happened – I knew my mother was standing anxiously at the door – I counted every stroke out loud. Mother thought I had gone mad when I reported to her with a beaming smile, 'Thirty-two strokes father gave me!' From that day I never needed to repeat the experiment, for my father never beat me again. ** Statement about his parents [[w:Alois Hitler|Alois]] and [[w:Klara Hitler|Klara Hitler]], as quoted in ''He Was My Chief: The Memoirs of Adolf Hitler's Secretary'' (2009) by [[w:Christa Schroeder|Christa Schroeder]], p. 40–41 ====pub 2013==== * Works of [[art]] which cannot be understood in themselves but need some pretentious instruction book to justify their existence will never again find their way to the German people. ** [[Adolf Hitler]] as in a speech the summer before the Degenerate Art Exhibition as quoted without citation in 6 November 2013 "[http://www.bbc.com/news/magazine-24819441 Degenerate art: Why Hitler hated modernism]" by Lucy Burns, ''BBC''. {{disputed begin}} == Disputed == [[File:Flag of Poland (with coat of arms, 1919-1928).svg|thumb|I have placed my death's-head formation in readiness, for the present only in the east, with orders to them to send to death mercilessly and without compassion, men, women, and children of Polish derivation and language. Only thus shall [[Germany|we]] gain the [[w:Lebensraum|living space]] which we need.]] [[File:Armenians marched by Ottoman soldiers, 1915.png|thumb|Who, after all, speaks today of the annihilation of the Armenians?]] * Our strength consists in our speed and in our brutality. Genghis Khan led millions of women and children to slaughter, with premeditation and a happy heart. History sees in him solely the founder of a state. It's a matter of indifference to me what a weak western European civilization will say about me. I have issued the command, and I'll have anybody who utters but one word of criticism executed by a firing squad, that our war aim does not consist in reaching certain lines, but in the physical destruction of the enemy. Accordingly, I have placed my death's-head formation in readiness, for the present only in the East, with orders to them to send to death mercilessly and without compassion, men, women, and children of Polish derivation and language. Only thus shall [[Germany|we]] gain the [[w:Lebensraum|living space]] which we need. '''Who, after all, speaks today of the annihilation of the Armenians?''' ** [[w:Armenian quote|Allegedly included in a speech at Obersalzberg]], 22 August 1939. * We must close union offices, confiscate their money and put their leaders in prison. We must reduce workers salaries and take away their right to strike. ** "I cannot speak to the authenticity of the quotation ... attributed to Hitler in the very many Web postings at which it is found, and without devoting far more research time than it warrants." - [http://thepragmaticprogressive.blogspot.com/2011/03/hitler-and-unions.html Ken Leford]. * The Revolution we have made is not a national revolution, but a National-''Socialist'' Revolution. We would even underline this last word, "Socialist." ** April 18, 1934. Attributed by [[Winston Churchill]] in Vol. 1 of [[The Second World War (book series)|The Second World War]]. (1948) * That is the great thing about our movement--that these members are uniform not only in ideas, but even, the facial expression is almost the same! ** Attributed by [[Jack Kirby]] in ''[[w:The Forever People|The Forever People]]'' #3, National Periodical Publications, (June-July 1971). * How fortunate for governments that the people they administer don't think. ** Attributed to Hitler, without source, in a [https://books.google.com/books?id=FwICBAAAQBAJ&pg=PT96&dq=%22the+people+they+administer+don%27t+think%22&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwic_p2MxqfLAhUBE2MKHTC-CgQQ6AEIHDAA#v=onepage&q=%22the%20people%20they%20administer%20don't%20think%22&f=false 1992 book of quotations]. ===''Hitler Speaks'' (1940)=== :<small>Attributed by [[Hermann Rauschning]] in ''Hitler Speaks'' (1940) also known as ''The Voice of Destruction'', the [[W:Hermann Rauschning#Authenticity of Hitler Speaks|book's authenticity is disputed.]]</small> * It is not Germany that will turn {{w|Bolshevist}} but Bolshevism that will become a sort of [[Nazi | National Socialism]]. Besides, there is more that binds us to Bolshevism than separates us from it. There is, above all, genuine [[revolutionary]] feeling, which is alive everywhere in [[Russia]] except where are [[W:Jewish Bolshevism#Nazi Germany|Jewish Marxists]]. I have always made allowance for this circumstance, and given orders that former [[Communists]] are to be admitted to the party at once. The ''{{w|petit bourgeois}}'' Social-Democrat and the [[trade-union]] boss will never make a National Socialist, but the Communist always will. ... Our spirit is so strong, and the power of our magnificent movement to transform souls so elemental, that men are remodeled against their will. ... A {{w|social revolution}} would lend me new, unsuspected powers. I do not fear permeation with revolutionary {{w|Communist propaganda}}. ** pp. 131-132. * We are obligated to depopulate as part of our mission of preserving the German population. We shall have to develop a technique of depopulation. If you ask me what I mean by depopulation, I mean the removal of entire racial units. And that is what I intend to carry out... Nature is cruel, therefore we, too, may be cruel.... I have the right to remove millions of an inferior race that breeds like vermin! ** p. 89. * The party is all-embracing. It rules our lives in all their breadth and depth... There will be no license, no free space, in which the individual belongs to himself. This is Socialism... Let them then own land or factories as much as they please. The decisive factor is that the State, through the party, is supreme over them, regardless whether they are owners or workers. ** p. 191. * I have learned a great deal from Marxism as I do not hesitate to admit... The difference between them and myself is that I have really put into practice what these peddlers and pen pushers have timidly begun. The whole of National Socialism is based on it... National Socialism is what Marxism might have been if it could have broken its absurd and artificial ties with a democratic order. ** p. 186 === ''{{w|Hitler's Table Talks}} (1941-1944)'' (published 1953) === :<small><b>''Die Bormann Vermerke'': Transcripts of Hitler's conversations (5 July 1941 - 30 November 1944), made under the supervision of [[Martin Bormann]], published in the UK as ''Hitler's Table Talks'' (1953).</b> The [[W:Hitler's Table Talk#Controversies|reliability of the translation is disputed.]]</small> [[File:Bundesarchiv Bild 183-1987-0922-500, Wien, Heldenplatz, Rede Adolf Hitler.jpg|thumb|I have not come into this [[world]] to make men better, but [[Exploitation|to make use of their]] [[weaknesses]].]] * '''I have not come into this [[world]] to make men better, but [[Exploitation|to make use of their]] [[weaknesses]].''' * I don't see much future for the Americans&nbsp;... it's a decayed country. And they have their racial problem, and the problem of social inequalities&nbsp;... my feelings against Americanism are feelings of hatred and deep repugnance&nbsp;... everything about the behaviour of American society reveals that it's half Judaised, and the other half negrified. How can one expect a State like that to hold together? ** Statement in conversation (7 January 1942) * I absolutely insist on protecting private property. It is natural and salutary that the individual should be inspired by the wish to devote a part of the income from his work to building up and expanding a family estate. Suppose the estate consists of a factory. I regard it as axiomatic, in the ordinary way, that this factory will be better run by one of the members of the family that it would be by a State functionary—providing, of course, that the family remains healthy. In this sense, we must encourage private initiative. ** A private statement made on March 24, 1942. * Stalin is one of the most extraordinary figures in world history. He began as a small clerk, and he has never stopped being a clerk. Stalin owes nothing to rhetoric. He governs from his office, thanks to a bureaucracy that obeys his every nod and gesture. It's striking that Russian propaganda, in the criticisms it makes of us, always holds itself within certain limits. Stalin, that cunning Caucasian, is apparently quite ready to abandon European Russia, if he thinks that a failure to solve her problems would cause him to lose everything. Let nobody think Stalin might reconquer Europe from the Urals! It is as if I were installed in Slovakia, and could set out from there to reconquer the Reich. This is the catastrophe that will cause the loss of the Soviet Empire. ** night of 18-19 July 1941. *I'm sure that Nero didn't set fire to Rome. It was the Christian-Bolsheviks who did that, just as the Commune set fire to Paris in 1871 and the Communists set fire to the Reichstag in 1932. ** 25 October 1941. * The Jew can take the credit for having corrupted the Graeco-Roman world. Previously words were used to express thoughts; he used words to invent the art of disguising thoughts. Lies are his strength, his weapon in the struggle. The Jew is said to be gifted. His only gift is that of juggling with other people's property and swindling each and everyone. Suppose I find by chance a picture that I believe to be a Titian. I tell the owner what I think of it, and I offer him a price. In a similar case, the Jew begins by declaring that the picture is valueless, he buys it for a song and sells it at a profit of 5000 per cent. To persuade people that a thing which has value, has none, and vice versa—that's not a sign of intelligence. They can't even overcome the smallest economic crisis! ** 5 November 1941. * It goes without saying that we have no affinities with the Japanese. They're too foreign to us, by their way of living, by their culture. But my feelings against Americanism are feelings of hatred and deep repugnance. I feel myself more akin to any European country, no matter which. Everything about the behaviour of American society reveals that it's half Judaised, and the other half negrified. How can one expect a State like that to hold together—a State where 80 per cent of the revenue is drained away for the public purse—a country where everything is built on the dollar? From this point of view, I consider the British State very much superior. ** 7 January 1942. * We shall regain our health only by eliminating the Jew. ** 22 February 1942. * The most foolish mistake we could possibly make would be to allow the subject races to possess arms. History shows that all conquerors who have allowed their subject races to carry arms have prepared their own downfall by so doing. ** 11 April 1942. * The American statesmen, by subjecting the Church to the same regulations governing all other associations and institutions, have limited its field of activity to reasonable proportions; and, as the State does not contribute from State Funds one single cent to the church, the whole clergy cringes and sings hymns in praise of Government. This is not to be wondered at! The parson, like everyone else, has got to live; what he makes out of the public offertory doesn't amount to much, and so he is more or less dependent on State charity. As he has no legal claim whatever on the State, he therefore takes very good care that his demeanour is always pleasing in the eyes of the State and therefore deserving of the crumbs it cares to toss to him. ** 4 July 1942. * The development of relations between State and Church affords a very instructive example of how the carelessness of a single statesman can have after-effects which last for centuries. When Charlemagne was kneeling at prayer in St. Peter's, Rome, at Christmas in the year 800, the Pope, giving him no time to work out the possible effects of so symbolic an action, suddenly bent down and presto! popped a golden crown on his head! By permitting it, the Emperor delivered himself and his successors into the hands of a power which subjected the German Government and the German people to five hundred years of martyrdom. ** 4 July 1942. * One of our most important tasks will be to save future generations from a similar political fate and to maintain for ever watchful in them a knowledge of the menace of Jewry. For this reason alone it is vital that the Passion play be continued at Oberammergau; for never has the menace of Jewry been so convincingly portrayed as in this presentation of what happened in the times of the Romans. There one sees in Pontius Pilate a Roman racially and intellectually so superior, that he stands like a firm, clean rock in the middle of the whole muck and mire of Jewry. ** on the [[w:Oberammergau Passion Play|Passion Play at Oberammergau]], 5 July 1942. * In the Spanish people there is a mixture of Gothic, Frankish and Moorish blood. One can speak of the Spaniard as one would speak of a brave anarchist. The Arabian epoch&mdash;the Arabs look down on the Turks as they do on dogs&mdash;was the most cultured, the most intellectual and in every way best and happiest epoch in Spanish history. It was followed by the period of the persecutions with its unceasing atrocities. ** 1 August 1942. * As for the ridiculous hundred million Slavs, we will mould the best of them as we see fit, and we will isolate the rest of them in their own pig-styes; and anyone who talks about cherishing the local inhabitants and civilising them, goes straight off into a concentration camp! ** 6 August 1942. ===''The Testament of Adolf Hitler'' (1945)=== :<small>Genoud, François, ed. (1961). ''The Testament of Adolf Hitler: the Hitler-Bormann documents, February-April 1945''. London: Cassell. Historian [[w:Ian Kershaw|Ian Kershaw]] cautions "This English version contains a very loose and untrustworthy translation of the German text—itself not guaranteed to be identical with any long-lost original or the lost copy of that original—which was eventually published only in 1981... The available German text is, therefore, at best a construct; neither the original nor the copy of that original exists. [Eduard] Baumgarten tended, since the content was consonant with Hitler's thinking and expression, to accept the authenticity of the text. There is, however, no proof and, therefore, no reliable German text whose authenticity can be placed beyond question." (''Hitler, 1936-45: Nemesis'', 2001, [http://books.google.com/books?id=B5fJYMxufVcC&pg=PA1025 p. 1025.])</small> [[File:IJzeren voetring voor gevangenen transparent background.png|thumb|The beginnings of a great new social order based on the principle of [[slavery]] and [[Bigotry|inequality]] were destroyed by [[American Civil War|that war]], and with them also the embryo of a future truly great [[United States|America]] that would not have been ruled by a corrupt caste of tradesmen, but by a real ''Herren''-class that would have swept away all the falsities of liberty and equality.]] * This is the last disgusting death-rattle of a corrupt and outworn system which is a blot on the history of this people. '''Since [[American Civil War|the civil war]], in which [[Confederate States of America|the southern states]] were conquered, against all historical logic and sound sense, the American people have been in a condition of political and popular decay.''' In [[American Civil War|that war]], it was not the Southern States, but the American people themselves who were conquered. In this spurious blossoming of economic progress and power politics, America has ever since been drawn deeper into the mire of progressive self-destruction. '''The beginnings of a great new social order based on the principle of [[slavery]] and [[Bigotry|inequality]] were destroyed by [[American Civil War|that war]], and with them also the embryo of a future truly great [[United States|America]] that would not have been ruled by a corrupt caste of tradesmen, but by a real ''Herren''-class that would have swept away all the falsities of liberty and equality.''' **[https://books.google.com/books?id=2zxfyeUHKEAC&pg=PA69 During an after-dinner discussion in Munich] (1933), regarding the [[American Civil War]] * Under the guidance of the Reich, Europe would speedily have become unified. Once the Jewish poison had been eradicated, unification would have been an easy matter. France and Italy, each defeated in turn at an interval of a few months by the two Germanic Powers, would have been well out of it. Both would have had to renounce their inappropriate aspirations to greatness. At the same time they would have had to renounce their pretensions in North Africa and the Near East; and that would have allowed Europe to pursue a bold policy of friendship towards Islam. **4 February 1945. * We can safely make one prophecy: whatever the outcome of this war, the British Empire is at an end. It has been mortally wounded. The future of the British people is to die of hunger and tuberculosis in their cursed island. **4 February 1945. * It is eastwards, only and always eastwards, that the veins of our race must expand. It is the direction which Nature herself has decreed for the expansion of the German peoples. **7 February 1945. * The white races did, of course, give some things to the natives, and they were the worst gifts that they could possibly have made, those plagues of our own modern world-materialism, fanaticism, alcoholism and syphilis. For the rest, '''since these peoples possessed qualities of their own which were superior to anything we could offer them, they have remained essentially unchanged'''. Where imposition by force was attempted, the results were even more disastrous, and common sense, realizing the futility of such measures, should preclude any recourse to their introduction. '''One solitary success must be conceded to the colonizers: everywhere they have succeeded in arousing hatred, a hatred that urges these peoples, awakened from their slumbers by us, to rise and drive us out. Indeed, it looks almost as though they had awakened solely and simply for that purpose!''' Can anyone assert that colonization has increased the number of Christians in the world? Where are those conversions en masse which mark the success of Islam? Here and there one finds isolated islets of Christians, Christians in name, that is, rather than by conviction; and that is the sum total of the successes of this magnificent Christian religion, the guardian of supreme Truth! '''Taking everything into consideration, Europe's policy of colonization has ended in a complete failure.''' **7 February 1945. * I am quite sure that very few of the so-called Reds in Spain were really Communists. We were badly deceived, for, had I known the real state of affairs, I would never have allowed our aircraft to bombard and destroy a starving population and at the same time re-establish the Spanish clergy in all their horrible privileges. **10 February 1945. * There is, then, no danger in the circumstances that anti-semitism will disappear, for it is the Jews themselves who add fuel to its flames and see that it is kept well stoked. Before the opposition to it can disappear, the malady itself must disappear. And from that point of view, you can rely on the Jews: as long as they survive, anti-semitism will never fade. **13 February 1945. * In saying this, I promise you I am quite free of all racial hatred. It is, in any case, undesirable that one race should mix with other races. Except for a few gratuitous successes, which I am prepared to admit, systematic cross-breeding has never produced good results. Its desire to remain racially pure is a proof of the vitality and good health of a race. Pride in one's own race&mdash;and that does not imply contempt for other races&mdash;is also a normal and healthy sentiment. I have never regarded the Chinese or the Japanese as being inferior to ourselves. They belong to ancient civilisations, and I admit freely that their past history is superior to our own. They have the right to be proud of their past, just as we have the right to be proud of the civilisation to which we belong. Indeed, I believe the more steadfast the Chinese and the Japanese remain in their pride of race, the easier I shall find it to get on with them. **13 February 1945. * This pride of race is a quality which the German, fundamentally, does not possess. The reason for this is that for these last three centuries the country has been torn by internal dissension and religious wars and has been subjected to a variety of foreign influences, to the influence, for example, of Christianity&mdash;for Christianity is not a natural religion for the Germans, but a religion that has been imported and which strikes no responsive chord in their hearts and is foreign to the inherent genius of the race. **13 February 1945. * Our racial pride is not aggressive except in so far as the Jewish race is concerned. '''We use the term Jewish race as a matter of convenience, for in reality and from the genetic point of view there is no such thing as the Jewish race. There does, however, exist a community, to which, in fact, the term can be applied and the existence of which is admitted by the Jews themselves. It is the spiritually homogeneous group, to membership of which all Jews throughout the world deliberately adhere, regardless of their whereabouts and of their country of domicile; and it is this group of human beings to which we give the title Jewish race'''. **13 February 1945. * I ought to have seized the initiative in 1938 instead of allowing myself to be forced into war in 1939; for war was, in any case, unavoidable. However, you can hardly blame me if the British and the French accepted at Munich every demand I made of them! **14 February 1945. * Never, at any price, should we have put our money on France and against the peoples subjected to her yoke. On the contrary, we should have helped them to achieve their liberty and, if necessary, should have goaded them into doing so. There was nothing to stop us in 1940 from making a gesture of this sort in the Near East and in North Africa. In actual fact our diplomats instead set about the task of consolidating French power, not only in Syria, but in Tunis, in Algeria and Morocco as well. Our 'gentlemen' obviously preferred to maintain cordial relations with distinguished Frenchmen, rather than with a lot of hirsute revolutionaries, with a chorus of musical comedy officers, whose one idea was to cheat us, rather than with the Arabs, who would have been loyal partners for us. **14 February 1945. * In order to persuade Britain to pack up, to compel her to make peace, it was essential to rob her of her hope of being able still to confront us, on the continent itself, with an adversary of a stature equal to our own. ** 15 February 1945 &mdash; discussing the reasons for the invasion of the Soviet Union. * I have never liked France or the French, and I have never stopped saying so. **15 February 1945. * Our Italian ally has been a source of embarrassment to us everywhere. It was this alliance, for instance, which prevented us from pursuing a revolutionary policy in North Africa. In the nature of things, this territory was becoming an Italian preserve and it was as such that the Duce laid claim to it. Had we been on our own, we could have emancipated the Moslem countries dominated by France; and that would have had enormous repercussions in the Near East, dominated by Britain, and in Egypt. But with our fortunes linked to those of the Italians, the pursuit of such a policy was not possible. All Islam vibrated at the news of our victories. The Egyptians, the Irakis and the whole of the Near East were all ready to rise in revolt. Just think what we could have done to help them, even to incite them, as would have been both our duty and in our own interest! But the presence of the Italians at our side paralysed us; it created a feeling of malaise among our Islamic friends, who inevitably saw in us accomplices, willing or unwilling, of their oppressors. For the Italians in these parts of the world are more bitterly hated, of course, than either the British or the French. The memories of the barbarous, reprisals taken against the Senussi are still vivid. Then again the ridiculous pretensions of the Duce to be regarded as The Sword of Islam evokes the same sneering chuckle now as it did before the war. This title, which is fitting for Mahomed and a great conqueror like Omar, Mussolini caused to be conferred on himself by a few wretched brutes whom he had either bribed or terrorized into doing so. We had a great chance of pursuing a splendid policy with regard to Islam. But we missed the bus, as we missed it on several other occasions, thanks to our loyalty to the Italian alliance! In this theatre of operations, then, the Italians prevented us from playing our best card, the emancipation of the French subjects and the raising of the standard of revolt in the countries oppressed by the British. Such a policy would have aroused the enthusiasm of the whole of Islam. It is a characteristic of the Moslem world, from the shores of the Atlantic to those of the Pacific, that what affects one, for good or for evil, affects all. **17 February 1945. * Life does not forgive weakness. **17 February 1945. * The universalists, the idealists, the Utopians all aim too high. They give promises of an unattainable paradise, and by doing so they deceive mankind. Whatever label they wear, whether they call themselves Christians, Communists, humanitarians, whether they are merely sincere but stupid or wire-pullers and cynics, they are all makers of slaves. I myself have always kept my eye fixed on a paradise which, in the nature of things, lies well within our reach. I mean an improvement in the lot of the German people. **21 February 1945. * Furthermore, thanks to the Marxist religion, they (the Russians) have everything required to make them patient. They have been promised happiness on earth (a feature which distinguishes Marxism from the Christian religion)&mdash;but in the future. The Jew, Mardochee Marx, like the good Jew that he was, was awaiting the coming of the Messiah. He has placed the Messiah conception in a setting of historic materialism by asserting that terrestrial happiness is a factor in an almost endless process of evolution. "Happiness is within your reach," he says, "that I promise you. But you must let evolution take its course and not try to hurry matters." Mankind always falls for a specious trick of that sort... Lenin did not have the time, but Stalin will carry on the good work, and so on and so on... Marxism is a very powerful force. But how shall we assess Christianity, that other child of Judaism, which will not commit itself further than to promise the faithful happiness in another world? Believe me, it is incomparably stronger! **25 February 1945. * I have been Europe's last hope. She proved incapable of refashioning herself by means of voluntary reform. She showed herself impervious to charm and persuasion. To take her I had to use violence. **26 February. * The peoples of Islam will always be closer to us than, for example, France. **2 April 1945. * With the defeat of the Reich and pending the emergence of the Asiatic, the African and, perhaps, the South American nationalisms, there will remain in the world only two Great Powers capable of confronting each other&mdash;the United States and Soviet Russia. The laws of both history and geography will compel these two Powers to a trial of strength, either military or in the fields of economics and ideology. **2 April 1945. ===''[[Hitler: Memoirs of a Confidant]]'' (1978) === <small>Attributed by {{w|Otto Wagener}} in ''{{w|Hitler: Memoirs of a Confidant}}'', editor, {{w|Henry Ashby Turner, Jr.}}, {{w|Yale University Press}} (1985)</small> * In the past—that is, for most people it is still the present-the individual is everything, everything is directed at maintaining his life and improving his existence, everything focuses on him. ... In socialism of the future, on the other hand, what counts is the whole, the [[W:Volksgemeinschaft#Nazi Volksgemeinschaft|community of the Volk]]. The individual and his life play only a subsidiary role. He can be sacrificed—he is prepared to sacrifice himself should the whole demand it. ** p. 16 * Aren't these [[liberals]], those reprobate defenders of [[W:Individualism#Liberalism|individualism]], ashamed to see the tears of the mothers and wives, or don't these cold-blooded accountants even notice? Have they already grown so inhuman that they are no longer capable of feeling? It is understandable why bolshevism simply removed such creatures. They were worthless to humanity, nothing but an encumbrance to their [[W:Volk (German word)#Nazi era|Volk]]. Even the bees get rid of the drones when they can no longer be of service to the hive. The Bolshevik procedures are thus quite natural. ** pp.16-17 * But first, there will have to be national socialism. Otherwise the people and their governments are not ready for the socialism of nations. It is not possible to be liberal to one's own country and demand socialism among nations. ** p. 170 * What Marxism, Leninism and Stalinism failed to accomplish, we shall be in a position to achieve. ** p. 149 * After all, that's exactly why we call ourselves National Socialists! We want to start by implementing [[W:Right-wing socialism|socialism]] in our nation among our Volk! It is not until the individual nations are socialist that they can address themselves to international socialism. ** p. 288 * But we National Socialists wish precisely to attract all socialists, even the Communists; we wish to win them over from their international camp to the national one. ** p. 26 {{disputed end}} {{Misattributed begin}} == Misattributed == *The great masses of people will more easily fall victims to a big lie than to a small one. Especially if it is repeated again and again. **''Variant'': The bigger/more blatant a lie, the more people will believe it. ***This misquote could possibly have two possible sources: an abridged version of a [[Adolf_Hitler#Vol_I|paragraph]] in Mein Kampf regarding the [[w:Big Lie|Big Lie]], or a report by the United States [[w:Office of Strategic Services|Office of Strategic Services]] about Hitler's psychological profile[http://www.nizkor.org/hweb/people/h/hitler-adolf/oss-papers/text/oss-profile-03-02.html]. The second version is very close to an actual quote by [[Joseph Goebbels]]. * We are socialists, we are enemies of today's capitalistic economic system for the exploitation of the economically weak, with its unfair salaries, with its unseemly evaluation of a human being according to wealth and property instead of responsibility and performance, and we are all determined to destroy this system under all conditions. **This misattribution is sourced from John Toland. In ''Adolf Hitler: The Definitive Biography'' (1976), it is attributed to Hitler in a speech of May 1, 1927. It is recorded in ''Thoughts about the Tasks of the Future'' by Gregor Strasser on June 15, 1926. *The streets of our country are in turmoil. The universities are filled with students rebelling and rioting. Communists are seeking to destroy our country. Russia is threatening us with her might and the Republic is in danger. Yes, danger from within and from without. We need law and order. Yes, without law and order our nation cannot survive. Elect us and we shall restore law and order. **Reported as refuted in the ''Congressional Record'': Lou Hiner, Jr., "Hitler's Phony Quotation on Law and Order", May 21, 1970, vol. 116, pp. 1676–77, reprinted from the ''Indianapolis News''; and M. Stanton Evans, "The Hitler Quote", August 11, 1970, vol. 116, p. 28349, reprinted from the ''National Review Bulletin'' (August 18, 1970). *This year will go down in history! For the first time, a civilized nation has full gun registration! Our streets will be safer, our police more efficient, and the world will follow our lead into the future! :*Bernard Harcourt of the University of Chicago Law School said this is "probably a fraud and was likely never uttered" in Bernard E. Harcourt: "On gun registration, the NRA, Adolf Hitler, and Nazi gun laws: Exploding the gun culture wars", June 2004, University of Chicago Public Law and Legal Theory Working Paper No. 67, pp. 9–10. *I am beginning with the young. We older ones are used up. Yes, we are old already. We are rotten to the marrow. We have no unrestrained instincts left. We are cowardly and sentimental. We are bearing the burden of a humiliating past, and have in our blood the dull recollection of serfdom and servility. But my magnificent youngsters! Are there finer ones anywhere in the world? Look at these young men and boys! What material! With them, I can make a new world. **Adolf Hitler c. 1933; as quoted in [http://books.google.com/books?id=PndurCstDZMC&pg=PA251 ''Hitler Speaks''] (1939), by Hermann Rauschning, London: Thornton Butterworth, p. 247. * The best way to take control over a people and control them utterly is to take a little of their freedom at a time, to erode their rights by a thousand tiny and almost imperceptible reductions. In this way the people will not see those rights and freedoms being removed until past the point at which those changes can be reversed. ** Fake quote, according to [http://www.snopes.com/hitler-control-quote/ ''snopes.com''] (11 Jan 2016) * The only religion I respect is Islam. The only prophet I admire is the Prophet Muhammad. ** Found in [[W:George Michael (professor)|George Michael]]'s 2006 book, ''{{w|The Enemy of My Enemy}}'',<ref>[https://books.google.com/books?id=RvLtAAAAMAAJ&q=%22the+only+religion+i+respect+is+islam%22 1]</ref> and also in Jake Neuman's 2015 book, ''Islam Sharia Law and Jihad are Treason''.<ref>[https://books.google.com/books?id=HjKKCgAAQBAJ&pg=PA203&dq="the+only+religion+i+respect+is+islam" 2]</ref> * Only one thing could have stopped our movement – if our adversaries had understood its principle and from the first day smashed with the utmost brutality the nucleus of our new movement. ** Only partially true. The full quote: ***Only one danger could have jeopardised this development – if our adversaries had understood its principle, established a clear understanding of these ideas, and not offered any resistance. Or, alternatively, if they had from the first day annihilated with the utmost brutality the nucleus of our new movement. ** He thought that if his adversaries had ignored the 'weakest' elements of his movement, they would harm the party. See ''[https://zuriz.wordpress.com/2013/10/06/smashing-the-nucleus/ zuriz]'' for more. {{misattributed end}} == Quotes about Hitler == === Quotes before the end of World War II === (Note: many of the worst atrocities of Hitler's regime did not start to become widely known until the final months of this war) :<small>Sorted chronologically</small><!-- quotes of unknown date are at the bottom of this sub-section--> * He is credibly credited with being actuated by lofty, unselfish patriotism. He probably does not know himself just what he wants to accomplish. The keynote of his propaganda in speaking and writing is violent anti-Semitism. His followers are nicknamed the "Hakenkreuzler." So violent are Hitler's fulminations against the Jews that a number of prominent Jewish citizens are reported to have sought safe asylums in the [[w:Bavaria|Bavarian]] highlands, easily reached by fast motor cars, whence they could hurry their women and children when forewarned of an anti-Semitic [[w:St. Bartholomew's massacre|St. Bartholomew's night]]. * But several reliable, well-informed sources confirmed the idea that Hitler's anti-Semitism was not so genuine or violent as it sounded, and that he was merely using anti-Semitic [[propaganda]] as a bait to catch masses of followers and keep them aroused, enthusiastic, and in line for the time when his organization is perfected and sufficiently powerful to be employed effectively for political purposes. * A sophisticated politician credited Hitler with peculiar political cleverness for laying emphasis and over-emphasis on anti-Semitism, saying: "You can't expect the masses to understand or appreciate your finer real aims. You must feed the masses with cruder morsels and ideas like anti-Semitism. It would be politically all wrong to tell them the truth about where you really are leading them." ** Cyril Brown writing in ''The New York Times'' (November 21, 1922)[http://query.nytimes.com/mem/archive-free/pdf?res=9A0CE0D91E3EEE3ABC4951DFB7678389639EDE] * Most respected and dear Hitler, ... It is hardly surprising that a man like that can give peace to a poor suffering spirit! Especially when he is dedicated to the service of the fatherland. My faith in Germandom has not wavered for a moment, though my hopes were—I confess—at a low ebb. With one stroke you have transformed the state of my soul. That Germany, in the hour of her greatest need, brings forth a Hitler—that is proof of her vitality ... that the magnificent Ludendorff openly supports you and your movement: What wonderful confirmation! I can now go untroubled to sleep ... May God protect you! ** Houston Stewart Chamberlain, quoted in ''The Nazi Germany Sourcebook: An Anthology of Texts'' by Roderick Stackelberg and Sally Anne Winkle, 7 October 1923 * [[Vladimir Lenin|Lenin]] is the greatest man, second only to Hitler, and that the difference between Communism and the Hitler faith is very slight. ** [[w:Joseph Goebbels| Joseph Goebbels]], ''The New York Times'', "Hitlerite Riot in Berlin: Beer Glasses Fly When Speaker Compares Hitler to Lenin," November 28, 1925 (Goebbels' speech Nov. 27, 1925) * You have delivered up our holy German Fatherland to one of the greatest demagogues of all time. I solemnly prophesy that this accursed man will cast our Reich into the abyss and bring inconceivable misery upon our nation. Future generations will curse you in your grave for your action. ** [[Erich Ludendorff]] to [[w:Paul von Hindenburg|Paul von Hindenburg]] after he appointed Hitler to Chancellor as quoted in ''Hitler 1889&ndash;1936: Hubris'' by [[Ian Kershaw]] (page 427). * ''Herr Hitler är en förolämpning.'' ** Mr. Hitler is an insult. ** [[w:Torgny Segerstedt|Torgny Segerstedt]] in ''Göteborgs Handels- och Sjöfartstidning'' (3 February 1933). ** The article spurred [[Hermann Göring]] to [http://www.erixon.com/2/segerstedt.htm send a protest telegram] where he condemned the newspaper for its publication. * Among the higher leadership [in the Nazi Party], while there is still a certain unity, personalities are beginning to play a constantly greater part. Hitler is perhaps more powerful than before, but he becomes more and more a figure separated from actualities. He depends a great deal on [[Rudolf Hess|Hess]], who is really his confidential man now and whom it is likely he may make Foreign Minister. [[Hermann Göring|Goering]] and [[Goebbels]] still remain good comrades of Hitler and are undoubtedly attached to him, but the difference between Goering and Goebbels are becoming more evident. Goering is more moderate, while Goebbels, sensing the feeling of the masses and being above all an opportunist is becoming more radical. If it would come to a show-down between the radical and moderate elements, Goering would, however, undoubtedly be likely to be on the radical side as the one having the more chances. [...] If this Government remains in power for another year and carries on in the same measure in this direction, it will go far towards making Germany a danger to [[world peace]] for years to come.<br> This is a very disjointed and incoherent letter. I am dictating it under pressure as I wish to catch the courier pouch. What I do want to say really is that for the present this country is headed in directions which can only carry ruin to it and will create a situation here dangerous to world peace. With few exceptions, the men who are running this Government are of a mentality that you and I cannot understand. Some of them are psychopathic cases and would ordinarily be receiving treatment somewhere. Others are exalted and in a frame of mind that knows no reason. The majority are woefully ignorant and unprepared for the tasks which they have to carry through every day. Those men in the party and in responsible positions who are really worth-while, and there are quite a number of these, are powerless because they have to follow the orders of superiors who are suffering from the abnormal [[psychology]] prevailing in the country. ** [[w:George S. Messersmith|George S. Messersmith]], U.S. Consul General at Berlin to the Under Secretary of State, William Phillips, [http://udspace.udel.edu/handle/19716/6176 letter dated 26 June 1933] * For what is healthy and what is sick, every people and age gives itself its own law, according to the inner greatness and extension of its existence. Now the German people are in the process of rediscovering their own essence and making themselves worthy of their great destiny. Adolf Hitler, our great Führer and chancellor, created, through the National Socialist revolution, a new state by which the people will assure itself anew of the duration and continuity of its history.... For every people, the first warranty of is authenticity and greatness is in its blood, its soil, and its physical growth. If it loses this good or even only allows it to become considerably weakened, all effort at state politics, all economic and technical ability, all spiritual action will remain in the end null and void. ** [[Martin Heidegger]], lecture at [[w:University of Freiburg|Freiburg University]], August 1933; as quoted by Emmanuel Faye (2009), ''Heidegger, The Introduction of Nazism into Philosophy in Light of the Unpublished Seminars of 1933-1935'', Yale University Press, transl. Michael B. Smith, p. 68. * I don't like the look of him. ** [[Benito Mussolini]], to his aide after his first encounter with Hitler (1934), as quoted in The Gathering Storm (1946) by Winston Churchill * You will be interested to know that your work has played a powerful part in shaping the opinions of the group of [[Intellectual|intellectuals]] who are behind Hitler in this epoch-making program. Everywhere I sensed that their opinions have been tremendously stimulated by American thought... ** [[w:Charles Goethe|Charles Goethe]], writing to a colleague about American eugenics inspiring Hitler and other Nazi officials (1934), as quoted by Edwin Black, "[http://www.sfgate.com/opinion/article/Eugenics-and-the-Nazis-the-California-2549771.php Eugenics and the Nazis: The California Connection]", ''The San Francisco Gate'', Nov. 9, 2003 * You [Hitler] may successfully resist any and all men, but you cannot successfully resist Jehovah God. ... In the name of [[Jehovah]] God and His anointed King, Christ [[Jesus]], I demand that you give order to all officials and servants of your government that Jehovah's witnesses in Germany be permitted to peaceably assemble and without hindrance worship God. ** [[Joseph Franklin Rutherford]], cited in ''[[w:Awake!|Awake!]]'' magazine, 1995, 8/22, article: ''The Evils of Nazism Exposed'' ** On February 9, 1934, J. F. Rutherford, the president of the Watch Tower Society, sent a letter of protest to Hitler stating these words. As the Nazi rage against Jehovah's Witnesses reached new heights, the Witnesses' denunciations became ever more scathing. The May 15, 1940, issue of Consolation stated: "Hitler is such a perfect child of the Devil that these speeches and decisions flow through him like water through a well-built sewer". * One may dislike Hitler's system and yet admire his patriotic achievement. If our country were defeated, I hope we should find a champion as indomitable to restore our courage and lead us back to our place among the nations. ** [[Winston Churchill]], "Hitler and His Choice" in ''The Strand'' magazine (November 1935). [[File:Destruction in a Berlin street.jpg|thumb|We cannot tell whether Hitler will be the man who will once again let loose upon the world another war in which civilisation will irretrievably succumb, or whether he will go down in history as the man who restored honour and peace of mind to the [[Germany|Great Germanic nation]] (1935). ~ [[Winston Churchill]]]] * We cannot tell whether Hitler will be the man who will once again let loose upon the world another war in which civilisation will irretrievably succumb, or whether he will go down in history as the man who restored honour and peace of mind to the [[Germany|Great Germanic nation]]. ** [[Winston Churchill]], "Hitler and His Choice" in ''The Strand'' magazine (November 1935). * The [[w:Sir John Simon|Chancellor of the Exchequer]] said it was the first time Herr Hitler had been made to retract – I think that was the word – in any degree. We really must not waste time after all this long Debate upon the difference between the [[w:Munich Agreement|positions reached at Berchtesgaden, at Godesberg and at Munich]]. They can be very simply epitomised, if the House will permit me to vary the metaphor. £1 was demanded at the pistol’s point. When it was given, £2 were demanded at the pistol’s point. Finally, the dictator consented to take £1 17s. 6d. and the rest in promises of goodwill for the future. ** [[Winston Churchill]], [https://winstonchurchill.org/resources/speeches/1930-1938-the-wilderness/the-munich-agreement/ On the Munich Agreement], 5 October 1938 * [W]hen Hitler says that "the State dominates the nation because it alone represents it," he is only putting into loose popular language the formula of [[Hegel]], that "the State is the general substance, whereof individuals are but accidents." ** [[Albert Jay Nock]], ''Our Enemy, The State'', Caldwell, ID, The Caxton Printers (1950) pp. 21-22, first published in 1935 * Hitler set up a [[tyranny]]: a state with a mighty [[police]] force, a growing [[Military|army]], a host of spies and informers, a secret [[espionage]], backed by swift and cruel [[punishment]], which migh vary from loss of job to [[Prison|imprisonment]], incommunicado and without [[Trials|trial]], to cold [[Homicide|murder]]. ** [[W. E. B. Du Bois]], ''The Hitler State'', ''Writing on National Socialism'', ''Pittsburgh Courier'', December 12, 1936. Republished in {{cite book |editor1-last=Aptheker |editor1-first=Herbert |editor1-link=w:Herbert Aptheker |title=Newspaper Columns: 1883-1944 |date=1986 |publisher=Kraus-Thomson Organization |isbn=978-0-527-25347-9 |page=145 |url=https://books.google.com/books?hl=en&id=iq9aAAAAMAAJ&dq=%22a+state+with+a+mighty+police+force%2C+a+growing+army%2C+a+host+of+spies+and+informers%2C+a+secret+espionage%2C+backed+by+swift+and+cruel+punishment%2C%22&focus=searchwithinvolume&q=%22Hitler+set+up+a+tyranny%3A+a+state+with+a+mighty+police+force%2C+a+growing+army%2C+a+host+of+spies+and+informers%2C+a+secret+espionage%2C+backed+by+swift+and+cruel+punishment%2C+which+migh+vary+from+loss+of+job+to+imprisonment%2C+incommunicado+and+without+trial%2C+to+cold+murder.%22}} * You protest, and with [[justice]], each time Hitler jails an opponent; but you forget that [[Stalin]] and company have jailed and murdered a thousand times as many. It seems to me, and indeed the evidence is plain, that compared to the [[Moscow]] brigands and [[Assassination|assassins]], Hitler is hardly more than a common [[Ku Klux Klan|Ku Kluxer]] and [[Mussolini]] almost a philanthropist. ** [[H. L. Mencken]], in an open letter to [[Upton Sinclair]], printed in ''The American Mercury'', June 1936. * Hitler is a very great man, like an inspired religious leader, and as such rather fanatical, but not scheming, not selfish, not greedy for power, but a mystic, a visionary who really wants the best for his country. ** [[Anne Morrow Lindbergh]], quoted in ''Lindbergh'' by A. Scott Berg, 5 August 1936 * I thank heaven for a man like Adolf Hitler, who built a front line of defense against the [[Antichrist|anti-Christ]] of Communism. ** [[Frank Buchman]], [http://content.time.com/time/subscriber/article/0,33009,802554,00.html in an interview to the New York World-Telegram], 25 August 1936 * He is a very great man. "Führer" is the proper name for him, for he is a born leader, yes, and statesman. ** [[David Lloyd George]], A. J. Sylvester's diary entry (4 September 1936), Colin Cross (ed.), Life with Lloyd George. The Diary of A. J. Sylvester 1931-45 (London: Macmillan, 1975), p. 148. * I have never met a happier people than the Germans and Hitler is one of the greatest men. The old trust him; the young idolise him. It is the worship of a national hero who has saved his country. **[[David Lloyd George]], ''Daily Express'', September 17, 1936. *Hitler didn't snub me; it was [[Franklin D. Roosevelt|our president]] who snubbed me. The president didn't even send me a telegram. **[[Jesse Owens]] (15 October 1936), as quoted in [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:BookSources/978-0-618-68822-7 ''Triumph: The Untold Story of Jesse Owens and Hitler's Olympics''] (2007), by Jeremy Schaap, New York: Houghton Mifflin Harcourt, p. 211. *I have just returned from a visit to Germany. ... I have now seen the famous German leader and also something of the great change he has effected. Whatever one may think of his methods — and they are certainly not those of a Parliamentary country — there can be no doubt that he has achieved a marvellous transformation in the spirit of the people, in their attitude towards each other, and in their social and economic outlook.<br>One man has accomplished this miracle. He is a born leader of men. A magnetic dynamic personality with a single-minded purpose, a resolute will, and a dauntless heart. He is the national Leader. He is also securing them against that constant dread of starvation which is one of the most poignant memories of the last years of the war and the first years of the Peace. The establishment of a German hegemony in Europe which was the aim and dream of the old prewar militarism, is not even on the horizon of Nazism. ** [[David Lloyd George]], ''The Daily Express'' (17 November 1936) * As I talked to him, I could not but think of [[Joan of Arc]]. He is distinctly a mystic. Hewel was telling me that the German people, many of them, begin to feel that he was a mission from God, and some of them would seek to reverence him almost as a God. He said Hitler himself tries to avoid that kind of thing. He dislikes any of them thinking of him as anything but a humble citizen who is trying to serve his country well. He is a teetotaler and also a [[Vegetarianism|vegetarian]]. Is unmarried, abstemist in all his habits and ways. Indeed his life as one gathers it from those who are closest to him would appear to be that very much of a recluse, excepting that he comes in contact with youth and large number of people from time to time. ** [[William Lyon Mackenzie King]], [https://www.junobeach.org/fr/canada-in-wwii/articles/agression-et-impunite/w-l-mackenzie-kings-diary-june-29-1937-2/ in his diary], 29 June 1937 * [The Fuehrer] is one of those lonely men of the ages on whom history is not tested, but who themselves are the makers of history. ** [[Benito Mussolini]], as quoted in ''The Rise and Fall of the Third Reich'' by William L. Shirer, 28 September 1937 * For Hitler first hatred was not Communism, but [[w:Austria-Hungary|Austria-Hungary]]... And he loathed it for what? For its tolerance! He wanted eighty million Germans to rule with an iron hand an empire of eighty million 'inferiors'—Czechs, Slovaks, Magyars, Jews, Serbs, Poles and Croats. ** [[Dorothy Thompson]], "Let the Record Speak", Boston: MA, Houghton Mifflin Company (1939) p. 136 (newspaper column: "Write it Down," February 18, 1938) * Hitler was right in one thing. He calls the Jewish people a race and we are a race. ** Rabbi [[w:Stephen Samuel Wise|Stephen S. Wise]], (1938). "Dr. Wise Urges Jews To Declare Selves As Such." ''New York Herald Tribune'', 13 June 1938. p. 12. *I doubt whether [[Neville Chamberlain|Chamberlain]] or the Government yet realise the nature of the man with whom they are dealing, or his ultimate ambitions. Hitler is devoid of all honour and scruples. He has no regard for pledges, conventions or life. He is, in fact, evil. **[[w:Sir Horace Rumbold, 9th Baronet|Horace Rumbold]] to his son (22 September 1938), quoted in Martin Gilbert, ''Sir Horace Rumbold: Portrait of a Diplomat, 1869–1941'' (1973), p. 437 * In Germany the common people are peace-loving, ... The [[Devil]] has put his representative Hitler in control, a man who is of unsound mind, cruel, malicious and ruthless . . . He cruelly persecutes the Jews because they were once Jehovah's covenant people and bore the name of [[Jehovah]], and because Christ Jesus was a Jew. ** [[Joseph Franklin Rutherford]], cited in ''[[w:Awake!|Awake!]]'' magazine, 1995, 8/22, article: ''The Evils of Nazism Exposed'' ** On October 2, 1938, he delivered the address "Fascism or Freedom," in which he denounced Hitler in no uncertain terms. Rutherford regularly took to the airwaves, delivering powerful lectures on the satanic nature of Nazism. The lectures were rebroadcast globally and were printed for distribution by the millions. *Adolf Hitler never considered the domination of Europe as an end in itself. European conquest was but a step toward ultimate goals in all the other continents. It is unmistakably apparent to all of us that, unless the advance of Hitlerism is forcibly checked now, the Western Hemisphere will be within range of the Nazi weapons of destruction. **[[Franklin D. Roosevelt]], Radio Address Announcing an Unlimited National Emergency. Online by Gerhard Peters and John T. Woolley, The American Presidency Project https://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/node/209607 * I have always said that if [[United Kingdom|Great Britain]] were defeated in war I hoped we should find a Hitler to lead us back to our rightful position among the nations. I am sorry, however, that he has not been mellowed by the great success that has attended him. The whole world would rejoice to see the Hitler of [[peace]] and [[tolerance]], and nothing would adorn his name in world history so much as acts of [[Greatness|magnanimity]] and of [[mercy]] and of [[pity]] to the forlorn and friendless, to the weak and poor... Let this great man search his own heart and conscience before he accuses anyone of being a warmonger. ** [[Winston Churchill]], "Mr. Churchill's Reply" in ''The Times'' (7 November 1938) This was in response to Hitler denouncing Churchill as a "warmonger". * Most cruel joke of all, however, has been played by Hitler & Co. on those German capitalists and small businessmen who once backed National Socialism as a means of saving Germany's bourgeois economic structure from radicalism. The Nazi credo that the individual belongs to the state also applies to business. Some businesses have been confiscated outright, on others what amounts to a capital tax has been levied. Profits have been strictly controlled. Some idea of the increasing Governmental control and interference in business could be deduced from the fact that 80% of all building and 50% of all industrial orders in Germany originated last year with the Government. Hard-pressed for foodstuffs as well as funds, the Nazi regime has taken over large estates and in many instances collectivized agriculture, a procedure fundamentally similar to Russian Communism. ** "Adolf Hitler: Man of the Year, 1938", ''[[w:Time (magazine)|Time]]''; January 2, 1939. * There is no question but that '''Hitler belongs in the category of the truly mystic medicine man.''' As somebody commented about him at the last Nürnberg party congress, since the time of [[Muhammad|Mohammed]] nothing like it has been seen in this world. '''His body does not suggest strength. The outstanding characteristic of his physiognomy is its dreamy look.''' I was especially struck by that when I saw pictures taken of him in the Czechoslovakian crisis; '''there was in his eyes the look of a seer. This markedly mystic characteristic of Hitler's is what makes him do things which seem to us illogical, inexplicable, and unreasonable. ... So you see, Hitler is a medicine man, a spiritual vessel, a demi-deity or, even better, a myth.''' ** [[Carl Jung]], During an interview with H. R.<!-- Hubert Renfro --> Knickerbocker, first published in ''Hearst's International Cosmopolitan'' (January 1939), in which Jung was asked to diagnose [[Adolf Hitler]], [[Benito Mussolini]], and [[Joseph Stalin]], later published in ''Is Tomorrow Hitler's?'' (1941), by H. R. Knickerbocker, also published in ''The Seduction of Unreason : The Intellectual Romance with Fascism'' (2004) by Richard Wolin, Ch. 2 : Prometheus Unhinged : C. G. Jung and the Temptations of Aryan Religion, p. 75. * '''No nation keeps its word. A nation is a big, blind [[Worms|worm]], following what? Fate perhaps. A nation has no [[Honor|honour]], it has no word to keep. ... Hitler is himself the nation. That incidentally is why Hitler always has to talk so loud, even in private conversation — because he is speaking with 78 million voices.''' ** [[Carl Jung]], During an interview with H. R.<!-- Hubert Renfro --> Knickerbocker (1939), quoted in ''A Life of Jung'' (2002) by Ronald Hayman, p. 360 * We do not know whether Hitler is going to found a new Islam. He is already on the way; he is like Mohammad. The emotion in Germany is Islamic; warlike and Islamic. They are all drunk with wild god. That can be the historic future. **[[Carl Jung]], The Symbolic Life, 1939. * It is quite clear that you are today the one person in the world who can prevent a war which may reduce humanity to the savage state. Must you pay that price for an object however worthy it may appear to you to be? Will you listen to the appeal of one who has deliberately shunned the method of war not without considerable success? **[[Mahatma Gandhi]]. Letter addressed to Hitler. 23 July 1939 (Collected Works, vol. 70, pp. 20–21). Quoted from [[Koenraad Elst]]: Return of the Swastika (2007). (Also in [https://web.archive.org/web/20100310135408/http://koenraadelst.bharatvani.org/articles/fascism/gandhihitler.html])<!--- Also in [[Elst, Koenraad]] (2018). Why I killed the Mahatma: Uncovering Godse's defence. New Delhi : Rupa, 2018. Appendix 3. ---> *[[w:Ivone Kirkpatrick|Kirkpatrick]]...says...that once one begins to work with him, or sees him dealing with great affairs, one has such a sense of evil arrogance that one is almost nauseated. He confesses that he has been rendered physically sick by some of the interviews that he has witnessed. [[Evil]] and [[Betrayal|treachery]] and malice dart into Hitler's mystic eyes. ... We asked Kirkpatrick what gave him his sense of actual evil. He said that after Hitler had flown from [[w:Godesberg|Godesberg]] to Munich to murder Roehm, he returned in the very highest spirits, mimicking to his secretary the gestures of fear which [[Ernst Röhm|Roehm]] had made. **[[Harold Nicolson]]'s diary (30 August 1939), quoted in Harold Nicolson, ''Diaries and Letters, 1930–1939'', ed. Nigel Nicolson (1966), pp. 414–415 *He failed to realise why his military-cum-[[Police state|police tyranny]] should be repugnant to British ideals of individual and national freedom and liberty, or why he should not be allowed a free hand in Central and Eastern Europe to subjugate smaller and, as he regards them, inferior peoples to superior German rule and culture. He believed he could buy British acquiescence in his own far-reaching schemes by offers of alliance with and guarantees for the British Empire. Such acquiescence was indispensable to the success of his ambitions and he worked unceasingly to secure it. His great mistake was his complete failure to understand the inherent British sense of morality, humanity and freedom. **[[w:Nevile Henderson|Nevile Henderson]], British Ambassador to Germany, final report to the British Foreign Secretary (20 September 1939), quoted in ''The Times'' (18 October 1939), p. 7 *[[w:Carl Jacob Burckhardt|Burckhardt]] ... says that Hitler has a dual personality, the first being that of the rather gentle artist, and the second that of the homicidal maniac. He is convinced that Hitler has no complete confidence in himself and that his actions are really governed by somnambulist certainty. He says that the main energy in Hitler is an energy of hatred, and that he has never met any human being capable of generating so terrific a condensation of envy, vituperation and malice. **[[Harold Nicolson]]'s diary (3 October 1939), quoted in Harold Nicolson, ''Diaries and Letters, 1939–1945'', ed. Nigel Nicolson (1967), p. 39 * The "Conqueror from Berlin," as he has named himself, has completely conquered Germany. And not only that. Unfortunately, many, all too many Germans living abroad, also have fallen for the cunning propaganda. ** [[w:Friedrich Kellner|Friedrich Kellner]], ''[[w:My Opposition|My Opposition]]'', Diary entry of 24 October 1939. * (pg 59) [Hitler] was profoundly imbued with German paganism, more so, perhaps, than Ludendorff or Rosenberg himself.<br>(pg 93) Hitler is an atheist. **[[w:Otto Strasser | Otto Strasser]], ''Hitler and I'', Boston: MA, Houghton Mifflin Company (1940) * Hitler could not have succeeded against his many [[Rivalry|rivals]] if it had not been for the attraction of his own [[personality]], which one can feel even in the clumsy writing of ''[[Mein Kampf]]'', and which is no doubt overwhelming when one hears his [[Public speaking|speeches]]. I should like to put it on record that I have never been able to dislike Hitler. Ever since he came to power—till then, like nearly everyone, I had been deceived into thinking that he did not matter—I have reflected that I would certainly kill him if I could get within reach of him, but that I could feel no personal animosity. The fact is that there is something deeply appealing about him. One feels it again when one sees his [[Photography|photographs]]—and I recommend especially the photograph at the beginning of Hurst and Blackett's edition, which shows Hitler in his early Brownshirt days. It is a pathetic, dog-like face, the face of a man suffering under intolerable wrongs. In a rather more manly way it reproduces the expression of innumerable pictures of Christ crucified, and there is little doubt that that is how Hitler sees himself. The initial, personal cause of his grievance against the universe can only be guessed at; but at any rate the grievance is there. He is the martyr, the victim, [[Prometheus]] chained to the rock, the self-sacrificing hero who fights single-handed against impossible odds. If he were killing a mouse he would know how to make it seem like a dragon. One feels, as with [[Napoleon I of France|Napoleon]], that he is fighting against destiny, that he ''can't'' win, and yet that he somehow deserves to. The attraction of such a pose is of course enormous; half the films that one sees turn upon some such theme.<br>Also he has grasped the falsity of the [[Hedonism|hedonistic]] attitude to life. Nearly all western thought since the last war, certainly all "[[Progressivism|progressive]]" thought, has assumed tacitly that human beings desire nothing beyond ease, security and avoidance of pain. In such a view of life there is no room, for instance, for patriotism and military virtues. The Socialist who finds his children playing with soldiers is usually upset, but he is never able to think of a substitute for the tin soldiers; tin pacifists somehow won't do. Hitler, because in his own joyless mind he feels it with exceptional [[strength]], knows that [[Human|human beings]] ''don't'' only want [[comfort]], safety, short working-hours, hygiene, [[Birth control|birth-control]] and, in general, [[common sense]]; they also, at least intermittently, want [[Fighting|struggle]] and [[self-sacrifice]], not to mention [[Drum|drums]], [[Flag|flags]] and loyalty-parades. However they may be as economic theories, [[Fascism]] and Nazism are psychologically far sounder than any hedonistic conception of life. The same is probably true of [[Stalinism|Stalin's militarised version of Socialism]]. All three of the great [[Dictatorship|dictators]] have enhanced their power by imposing intolerable burdens on their peoples. Whereas Socialism, and even capitalism in a more grudging way, have said to people "I offer you a good time," Hitler has said to them "I offer you struggle, danger and death," and as a result a whole nation flings itself at his feet. Perhaps later on they will get sick of it and change their minds, as at the end of the last war. After a few years of [[Death|slaughter]] and [[starvation]] "Greatest happiness of the greatest number" is a good slogan, but at this moment "Better an end with horror than a horror without end" is a winner. Now that we are fighting against the man who coined it, we ought not to underrate its emotional appeal. ** [[George Orwell]], [http://boingboing.net/2014/08/17/orwells-review-of-mein-kampf.html Review of ''Mein Kampf''] (March, 1940) * Hitler is a prodigious genius. ** [[David Lloyd George]], A. J. Sylvester's diary entry (7 July 1940), Colin Cross (ed.), ''Life with Lloyd George. The Diary of A. J. Sylvester 1931-45'' (London: Macmillan, 1975), p. 275. * That I address you as a friend is no formality. I own no foes. My business in life has been for the past 33 years to enlist the friendship of the whole of humanity by befriending mankind, irrespective of race, colour or creed. ... But your own writings and pronouncements and those of your friends and admirers leave no room for doubt that many of your acts are monstrous and unbecoming of human dignity, especially in the estimation of men like me who believe in human friendliness. Such are your humiliation of [[w:Czechoslovakia|Czechoslovakia]], the rape of [[Poland]] and the swallowing of [[Denmark]]. I am aware that your view of life regards such spoliations as virtuous acts. But we have been taught from [[childhood]] to regard them as acts degrading [[humanity]]... No spoliator can compass his end without a certain degree of [[Cooperation|co-operation]], willing or unwilling, of the victim.... The rulers may have our land and bodies but not our souls... You are leaving no legacy to your people of which they would feel proud. **[[Mahatma Gandhi]]. Letter to Hitler. 24 December 1940. Quoted from [[Koenraad Elst]]: Return of the Swastika (2007). (Also in [https://web.archive.org/web/20100310135408/http://koenraadelst.bharatvani.org/articles/fascism/gandhihitler.html]) <!--- Also in [[Elst, Koenraad]] (2018). Why I killed the Mahatma: Uncovering Godse's defence. New Delhi : Rupa, 2018. Appendix 3. ---> * I felt, that in the mind of Hitler there was much of spiritual matters, transcending material plans. When I met the Führer he said that since boyhood he had been attracted by Japan. He read carefully reports of Japan's victory over Russia when he was only 17 years old and was impressed by Japan's astonishing strength. ** [[Tomoyuki Yamashita]], quoted in [http://content.time.com/time/subscriber/article/0,33009,773077-2,00.html ''Time''] 1940 * Both [[anti-fascism]] and [[w:Anti-communism|anti-communism]] have utterly lost their meaning since Hitler and Stalin have ceased to conceal their alliance from the world. [...] I predicted the cooperation between the Nazis and Bolsheviks as early as 1925 in my article "Anti-Marxism." ** [[Ludwig von Mises]] ([1940], 1998). <I>Interventionism: An Economic Analysis</i>, trans. Thomas Francis McManus and Heinrich Bund, ed. Bettina Bien Greaves. Irvington-on-Hudson, NY: Foundation for Economic Education, Inc. {{ISBN|1-57246-071-7}} p. xiv. * Hitler does not have a new secret [[weapon]] at his disposal. He does not owe his victory to an excellent [[w:Intelligence service|intelligence service]] which informs him of the plans of his opponents. Even the much-talked-of "[[w:Fifth column|fifth column]]" was not decisive. He won because the supposed opponents were already quite sympathetic to the ideas for which he stood. [...]<br/> An ideological struggle cannot be fought successfully with constant concessions to the principles of the enemy. Those who refute capitalism because it supposedly is inimical to the interest of the masses, those who proclaim "as a matter of course" that after the victory over Hitler the market economy will have to be replaced by a better system and, therefore, everything should be done now to make the government control of business as complete as possible, are actually fighting for totalitarianism.<br/>The "progressives" who today masquerade as "liberals" may rant against "fascism"; yet it is their policy that paves the way for Hitlerism.<br/>Nothing could have been more helpful to the success of the National-Socialist (Nazi) movement than the methods used by the "progressives," denouncing Nazism as a party serving the interests of "capital." ** [[Ludwig von Mises]] ([1940], 1998). <I>Interventionism: An Economic Analysis</i>, trans. Thomas Francis McManus and Heinrich Bund, ed. Bettina Bien Greaves. Irvington-on-Hudson, NY: Foundation for Economic Education, Inc. {{ISBN|1-57246-071-7}} p. 88. * German workers are the most reliable supporters of the Hitler regime. Nazism has won them over completely by eliminating unemployment and by reducing the entrepreneurs to the status of shop managers (Betriebsführer). Big business, shopkeepers, and peasants are disappointed. Labor is well satisfied and will stand by Hitler, unless the war takes a turn which would destroy their hope for a better life after the peace treaty. Only military reverses can deprive Hitler of the backing of the German workers.<br/> The fact that the capitalists and entrepreneurs, faced with the alternative of Communism or Nazism, chose the latter, does not require any further explanation. They preferred to live as shop managers under Hitler than to be "liquidated" as "bourgeois" by Stalin. Capitalists don't like to be killed any more than other people do. What pernicious effects may be produced by believing that the German workers are opposed to Hitler was proved by the English tactics during the first year of the war. The government of Neville Chamberlain firmly believed that the war would be brought to an end by a revolution of the German workers. Instead of concentrating on vigorous arming and fighting, they had their planes drop leaflets over Germany telling the German workers that England was not fighting this war against them, but against their oppressor, Hitler. The English government knew very well, they said, that the German people, particularly labor, were against war and were only forced into it by their self-imposed dictator. ** [[Ludwig von Mises]] ([1940], 1998). <I>Interventionism: An Economic Analysis</i>, trans. Thomas Francis McManus and Heinrich Bund, ed. Bettina Bien Greaves. Irvington-on-Hudson, NY: Foundation for Economic Education, Inc. {{ISBN|1-57246-071-7}} p. 89. * ...we find an article in ''Harper's'' describing with a good deal of gusto the financial operations of the Hitler regime. We are told that we must not let the brutality of German political policy "divert our attention from the German financial program. <i>It is revolutionary and it is successful.</i>" The author then tells us that if we will look behind the dictatorship we may possibly find "clues to the nature of our own recent financial ills, indicating what has been wrong and <i>what can be done</i> to strengthen economic democracy now and in the future." The men who built this German system are called men of unquestioned genius. It is becoming clear that "Germany's internal financial program is removing the limitations of her financial environment on rates of productive activity. For years prior to the present war German industry operated at capacity. To do these things she is changing capitalism but she is not destroying it."<br>Of course there is nothing new about Hitler's financial operation, as anyone who has read the German chapter of this volume will remember. It is merely the adoption by Hitler of the spending and borrowing tactics of his predecessors, whom he so roundly denounced. Hitler was doing little more than Mussolini was doing, than the [[Republic|republicans]] and [[Social democracy|Social Democrats]] did before him in Germany, and what the old Italian and German Ministers did before the last war. ** [[w:John T. Flynn|John T. Flynn]] (1944) <i>As We Go Marching</i> Doubleday and Company, pp. 183-184, quoting "The German Financial Revolution," by Dal Hitchcock, <i>[[w:Harper's Magazine|Harper's Magazine]]</i>, Vol. 182, February 1941. Italics as in original * At the outset of the German Government's movement against the Jews, an American visitor asked Herr Hitler why he was making it so ruthless. The Reichskanzler replied that he had got the idea from us. Americans, he said, are the great rope and lamppost artists [i.e., lynching] of the world, known of all men as such. He was using the same methods against the Jews that we used against the [[w:Loyalist (American Revolution)|loyalists]] of [[American Revolution|'76]], the [[w:Native Americans in the United States|Indians]], the [[Chinese people|Chinese]] on the [[w:West Coast of the United States|Western coast]], the [[African American|Negroes]], the [[Mexicans]], the [[Filipinos]] — every helpless people in fact whom we had ever chanced to find underfoot. ** [[Albert Jay Nock]], "The Jewish Problem in America," ''Atlantic Monthly'', June, 1941. * '''If Hitler invaded [[Hell]], I would make at least a favourable reference to the devil in the [[w:House of Commons of the United Kingdom|House of Commons]].''' ** [[Winston Churchill]], To his personal secretary John Colville the evening before Operation Barbarossa, the German invasion of the Soviet Union (June 1941). As quoted by Andrew Nagorski in ''The Greatest Battle'' (2007), Simon & Schuster, pp. 150-151 {{ISBN|0743281101}}. * Hitler is a monster of wickedness, insatiable in his lust for blood and plunder. Not content with having all Europe under his heel, or else terrorised into various forms of abject submission, he must now carry his work of butchery and desolation among the vast multitudes of Russia and of [[Asia]]. The terrible military machine - which we and the rest of the civilised world so foolishly, so supinely, so insensately allowed the Nazi gangsters to build up year by year from almost nothing - cannot stand idle lest it rust or fall to pieces. ... So now this bloodthirsty guttersnipe must launch his mechanized armies upon new fields of slaughter, pillage and devastation. ** [[Winston Churchill]], Radio broadcast on the German invasion of Russia, June 22, 1941. In The Churchill War Papers : 1941 (1993), W.W. Norton, pp. 835-836 {{ISBN|0393019594}}. [[File:Jane Kelly. Psychosis 1.jpg|thumb|[[James Branch Cabell|Cabell]] and Hitler did not inhabit the same [[universe]]. ~ [[w:Alfred Kazin|Alfred Kazin]]]] * '''[[James Branch Cabell|Cabell]] and Hitler did not inhabit the same [[universe]].''' ** [[w:Alfred Kazin|Alfred Kazin]], ''On Native Grounds : An Interpretation of Modern American Prose Literature'' (1941), p. 231. * I have in this War a burning private grudge—which would probably make me a better soldier at 49 than I was at 22: against that ruddy little ignoramus Adolf Hitler (for the odd thing about demonic inspiration and impetus is that it in no way enhances the purely intellectual stature: it chiefly affects the mere will). Ruining, perverting, misapplying, and making for ever accursed, that noble northern spirit, a supreme contribution to Europe, which I have ever loved, and tried to present in its true light. ** [[J. R. R. Tolkien]] ''The Letters of J. R. R. Tolkien'' No. 45: To his son [[w:Michael Tolkien|Michael Tolkien]] (1941-06-09). *"Progress" is for the convinced ochlocrats a consoling [[Utopia]] of madly increased comfort and technicism. This charming but dull vision was always the pseudoreligious consolation of millions of ecstatic believers in ochlocracy and in the relative perfection and wisdom of Mr. and Mrs. Averageman. Utopias in general are surrogates for heaven; they give a meager solace to the individual that his sufferings and endeavors may enable future generations to enter the chiliastic paradise. Communism works in a similar way. Its millennium is almost the same as that of ochlocracy. The Millennium of [[Lenin]], the Millennium of [[Edward Bellamy|Bellamy]], the Millennium as represented in [[H. G. Wells|H. G. Wells's]], "Of Things to Come," the Millennium of Adolf Hitler and [[Henry Ford]] — they are all basically the same; they often differ in their means to attain it but they all agree in the point of technical perfection and the classless or at least totally homogeneous society without grudge or envy. ** [[Erik von Kuehnelt-Leddihn]], writing under the pen name Francis Stewart Campbell (1943), <i>Menace of the Herd, or, Procrustes at Large</i>, Milwaukee, WI: The Bruce Publishing Company, pp. 35-36. * [Hitler is] a veritable <I>[[w:Reductio ad absurdum|reductio ad absurdum]]</i> of "progressive" thought. ** Francis Stuart Campbell, pen name of [[w:Erik von Kuehnelt-Leddihn|Erik von Kuehnelt-Leddihn]] (1943), <i>Menace of the Herd, or, Procrustes at Large</i>, Milwaukee, WI: The Bruce Publishing Company, p. 159. * It must be emphasized that an intensive study of national socialistic "[[prehistory]]" reveals a curious lack of original thought in Hitler's concepts; Hitler's strength consists solely in the clever use of <I>already existing</i> trends, ideas, and situations. It lies in the very nature of mass leaders that they cannot be "original"; the mass leader is necessarily a <I>virtuoso</I> of commonplaces which he may or may not repeat in the guise of a "new discovery." The modern dictator is not out to contradict but to confirm already existing views (and prejudices). ** Francis Stuart Campbell, pen name of [[w:Erik von Kuehnelt-Leddihn|Erik von Kuehnelt-Leddihn]] (1943), <i>Menace of the Herd, or, Procrustes at Large</i>, Milwaukee, WI: The Bruce Publishing Company, p. 201. * An extended chapter of our talk was devoted by the Führer to the vegetarian question. He believes more than ever that [[meat]]-eating is harmful to humanity. Of course he knows that during the war we cannot completely upset our food system. After the war, however, he intends to tackle this problem also. Maybe he is right. Certainly the arguments that he adduces in favor of his standpoint are very compelling. ** [[Joseph Goebbels]], Louis P. Lochner (trans.) (1993). The Goebbels Diaries. Charter Books. p. 679. ISBN 0-441-29550-9. * Do you know that your Führer is a vegetarian, and that he does not eat meat because of his general attitude toward life and his love for the world of animals? Do you know that your Führer is an exemplary friend of animals, and even as a chancellor, he is not separated from the animals he has kept for years?...The Führer is an ardent opponent of any torture of animals, in particular vivisection, and has declared to terminate those conditions...thus fulfilling his role as the savior of animals, from continuous and nameless torments and pain. " ** ''Neugeist/Die Weisse Fahne'' (contemporaneous pro-Nazi children's magazine) * So the bastard's dead? Too bad we didn't capture him alive! **[[Joseph Stalin]], Said in April 1945 — On hearing of [[Hitler|Hitler's]] suicide, as quoted in [http://militera.lib.ru/memo/russian/zhukov1/22.html ''The Memoirs of [[w:Georgy Zhukov|Georgy Zhukov]]'']. * Adolf Hitler<br>I'm not worthy to speak up for Adolf Hitler, and to any sentimental rousing his life and deeds do not invite.<br>Hitler was a warrior, a warrior for humankind and a preacher of the gospel of justice for all nations. He was a reforming character of the highest order, and his historical fate was that he functioned in a time of exampleless [i.e., unequalled] brutality, which in the end felled him.<br>Thus may the ordinary Western European look at Adolf Hitler. And we, his close followers, bow our heads at his death. ** [[Knut Hamsun]], Norwegian author and Nobel Prize-winner, obituary of Hitler published in the May 7, 1945 evening edition of ''[[w:Aftenposten|Aftenposten]]''<ref name= NYT_2009-02-27> {{ cite news |url=http://www.nytimes.com/2009/02/28/books/28hams.html?scp=1&sq=Knut+Hamsun+hitler+warrior+prophet&st=nyt |title=Norwegian Nobel Laureate, Once Shunned, Is Now Celebrated |last=Gibbs |first=Walter |newspaper=The New York Times |date=27 February 2009 |quote= |accessdate=16 May 2011}}</ref> * Adolf Hitler was a [[Joan of Arc|Jeanne d'Arc]], a [[Saints|saint]]. He was a [[Martyrdom|martyr]]. Like many martyrs, he held extreme views. ** [[Ezra Pound]], in an interview with Edd Johnson, published in ''The Chicago Sun'' (9 May 1945) * Every word that comes from Hitler's mouth is a lie. When he says peace, he means war, and when he blasphemously uses the name of the Almighty, he means the power of evil, the fallen angel, [[Satan]]. His mouth is the foul-smelling maw of Hell, and his might is at bottom accursed. True, we must conduct a struggle against the National Socialist terrorist state with rational means; but whoever today still doubts the reality, the existence of demonic powers, has failed by a wide margin to understand the metaphysical background of this war. ** The [[White Rose]], Fourth Leaflet. * Freedom and honour! For ten long years Hitler and his coadjutor have manhandled, squeezed, twisted, and debased these two splendid German words to the point of nausea, as only dilettantes can, casting the highest values of a nation before swine. They have sufficiently demonstrated in the ten years of destruction of all material and intellectual freedom, of all moral substance among the German people, what they understand by freedom and honour. The frightful bloodbath has opened the eyes of even the stupidest German—it is a slaughter which they arranged in the name of "freedom and honour of the German nation" throughout Europe, and which they daily start anew. ** The [[White Rose]], Sixth leaflet. * Shaken and broken, our people behold the loss of the men of Stalingrad. Three hundred and thirty thousand German men have been senselessly and irresponsibly driven to death and destruction by the inspired strategy of our World War I Private First Class. Führer, we thank you! ** The [[White Rose]], Sixth leaflet. * He was a warrior, a warrior for mankind, and a prophet of the gospel of justice for all nations. ** [[Knut Hamsun]], upon hearing of Hitler's death.[http://www.kirjasto.sci.fi/khamsun.htm] ==== ''Three Portraits: Hitler, Mussolini, Stalin'' (1940) ==== :<small>by [[Emil Ludwig]]</small> * Hitler's technique of oratory is largely the result of... mass psychology... He declared to his small, new [[Political parties|party]] that everything depended on fascinating the crowd. Above all, he realized... restore to the German people, deprived of an army, their flags, bands and songs. ...He invented every emblem himself, except the swastika, designed his own flag, and prescribed every collar and button for the slowly-growing party troops.<!--pp. 19-20--> * Hitler's aim was to attract attention to ''himself''. ...[H]e personally arranged all the lighting effects and spotlights, as well as his entry into a hall with fanfares. He trained crowds to salute with the right arm, taught them his songs, and transformed the audience from an apathetic mass into active collaborators in his festivities.<!--p. 20--> * As a stage manager and advertiser, he gave proof as real genius. In his book... "The Entente," he writes, "won the war simply and solely by its propaganda." A crowd is ready to believe anything, "true or false," provided it is constantly reiterated; one only has to say the same thing often enough.<!--pp. 20-21--> * He is past-master in the technique of platform speaking, and he can be humorous, grave, witty, tragic and cynical as the occasion requires.<!--p. 21--> * His effect, in complete contrast to [[Benito Mussolini|Mussolini]]'s... he juggles with mystical notions such as Honor, Blood, and Soil, and thus wraps his audience in that cloud of mysticism which the Germans love far more than mere prosaic logic.<!--p. 21--> * [H]e works to create the single great impression that here is a prophet whose heart is bleeding for the fate of his people. ...[H]e is sly enough to use an arrangement on his speaker's desk through which, by pressing a button, the spotlights are switched on to him so that the ecstasies can be properly filmed for the news reels. A similar combination of ecstasy and artifice can be observed in other actors.<!--p. 21--> * [H]e commanded over a hundred of his armed adherents to make an open attack on the armed police force. The latter met the rebel's attack... Shots were fired. Fourteen men lay dead on the Munich pavement. ...Hitler vanished ...The fourteen heroes of the Nazi movement were later eulogized... by the leader who had abandoned them in danger.<!--p. 22--> * He realized that he could rise only through the support of the discontented and utterly disillusioned middle class. All he did later was to subjugate it. [[Hermann Rauschning|Rauschning]] describes in detail Hitler's intense hatred of Germany's laboring masses.<!--p. 23--> * The pyramid familiar to the Germans... in which each individual carries another on his back but makes up for it by standing on somebody else, was set up anew by Hitler.<!--p. 24--> * The Germans, who love order more than freedom, and whose ruling passion is obedience, rejoiced in their release from an uncomfortable equality into new ranks of superiors and inferiors. This is the second source of Hitler's success.<!--p. 24--> * As a man without religion, without philosophy, without principles, he balked at nothing. ...[H]e concealed... his desire for self-aggrandizement, and... believes in his own idealism.<!--p. 24--> * Since the [[bank]]s and the big [[industrialist]]s wished to rid themselves of the [[Socialism|Socialists]], with their wage demands and strikes, they contributed generously to this popular party. ...Hitler's speeches constantly promised the masses a renewal of the soldier-spirit, a new army and new victories.<!--p. 24--> * Hitler, who had made his way to power by his great gifts as a stage manager and speaker, introduced into the [[w:Reich Chancellery|Reichschancellory]] all that [[wikt:browbeat#Verb|browbeat]]ing noise which the Germans are so prone to take for greatness. ...Immediately after his appointment as chancellor, Hitler resolved to prove to the world that he had come, a new {{w|Saint George}}, to slay the dragon of [[communism]]. While the German [[w:Reichstag building|Reichstag]] was burning, he accused the Communists of the guilt... This trial he lost... for its sole result was to expose the guilt of the [[Nazism|Nazis]].<!--p. 27--> * The Germans were wretched so long as they had no sword. ...Only a world once more trembling before the gigantic juggernaut of a German army could do... [A] genuine idealism ...inspires the German Nazi youth. It is [[wikt:bellicose#Adjective|bellicose]]... and looks forward to a hero's death... they believe in the superiority of the German race and its right to rule the world.<br />Their new leader did not merely promise all this; he began to turn it into reality... The technique of government by advertisement... has enabled a ruler... to attain his aims by sheer propaganda and bluff...<!--pp. 31-32--> * That is the language of a gambler—of a man who stakes his all in one card... when the other players simply refuse to call a bluff, he may safely risk his stake.<br />And yet, with the great triumphs Hitler has flaunted, with the increase in power and population... how are we to explain the apathy shared by... Germans, with exceptions of the few thousand commandeered to function at processions? They do not revolt, yet they are neither happy nor content... the enthusiasm wanes... as it has been since the third year of the Hitler régime...<!--pp. 35-36--> * The appointment of ignorant young men by the Party to high places in the German universities and clinics... has caused profound depression in the country... A country which no longer recognizes a written constitution, a country in which the Minister of Justice proclaims as his guiding principle, "Right is what is useful to Germany," a country in which the police force... watches with sympathetic interest any crime which is committed to the Party's advantage—is a country where none can feel safe. Even the free can hardly take much pleasure... where more than 100,000 souls are imprisoned... Any German who has not risen to wealth and position through the Party feels less free... Millions are ashamed because they are no longer citizens of a constitutional State.<br />Meanwhile their Führer sits in his villa... and here he entertains his friends. ...As he talks ceaselessly and seldom listens... business cannot be settled.<!--pp. 39-41--> === Quotes after the end of World War II === :<small>Sorted by Author</small> * By exploiting material [[wealth]] confiscated and plundered in a racial war, Hitler's National Socialism achieved an unprecedented level of economic equality and created vast new opportunities for upward mobility for the German people. ** [[Götz Aly]], ''Hitler's Beneficiaries: Plunder, Racial War, and the Nazi Welfare State'', New York: NY, Metropolitan Books (2007) pp. 7-8 * Although some people felt Adolf Hitler was bad, he was a great man and a real [[Conquest|conqueror]] whose name would never be forgotten. ** [[Idi Amin]], as quoted in ''The Evil 100'' (2004) by Martin Gilman Wolcott, p. 78 * The only man for whom Hitler had 'unqualified respect' was Stalin the genius', and while in the case of Stalin and the Russian regime we do not... have the rich documentary material that is available for Germany, we nevertheless know since Khrushchev's speech before the Twentieth Party Congress that Stalin trusted only one man and that was Hitler. ** [[Hannah Arendt]], ''Totalitarianism: Part Three of the Origins of Totalitarianism'', A Harvest Book, 1985, pp. 7-8 *'''Spiegel''': Can you also get your [[revenge]] on him by using [[comedy]]? :'''Brooks''': Yes, absolutely. Of course it is impossible to take revenge for 6 million murdered Jews. But by using the medium of comedy, we can try to rob Hitler of his posthumous power and myths. In doing so, we should remember that Hitler did have some talents. He was able to fool an entire population into letting him be their leader. However, this role was basically a few numbers too great for him –- but he simply covered over this deficiency. :'''Spiegel''': Was he a good actor? :'''Brooks''': Yes, as he convinced many millions of Germans. It's not without good reason that comedies about Hitler often concern actors who should play him. Just think about [[Charlie Chaplin]]'s ''[[w:The Great Dictator|The Great Dictator]]'' (1940) or [[w:Ernst Lubitsch|Ernst Lubitsch]]'s [[To Be or Not to Be (1942 film)|''To Be or not To Be'']] (1942). There's no doubt about it, Hitler worked in the same branch as we do: he created [[Illusion|illusions]]. :'''Spiegel''': In a documentary film about the downfall of the German battleship the [[w:German battleship Bismarck|Bismarck]], US director [[James Cameron (director)|James Cameron]] referred to Hitler as the "greatest pop star of his time." :'''Brooks''': There's something in that. Hitler must have had a magnetic attractive force, like a rock star he used his voice to spellbind umpteen thousands of listeners. So it's only fitting when comic actors make him the limelight hog of world history. We take away from him the holy seriousness that always surrounded him and protected him like a cordon. :* [[Mel Brooks]] [http://www.spiegel.de/international/spiegel/spiegel-interview-with-mel-brooks-with-comedy-we-can-rob-hitler-of-his-posthumous-power-a-406268.html Spiegel interview] * In Hitler's eyes, Christianity was a [[religion]] fit only for slaves; he detested its [[ethics]] in particular. Its teaching, he declared, was a rebellion against the natural law of selection by struggle and the [[w:Survival of the fittest|survival of the fittest]]. ** [[w:Alan Bullock| Alan Bullock]], ''Hitler: A Study in Tyranny''; Harper Perennial Edition (1991) p. 218. First published 1952 * Though Hitler was indeed racist and anti-Semitic to the core, a man who without compunction could commit murder and [[genocide]], he was also an individual of great courage, a soldier's soldier in the Great War, a political organizer of the first rank, a leader steeped in the history of Europe, who possessed oratorical powers that could awe even those who despised him... Hitler's success was not based on his extraordinary gifts alone. His genius was an intuitive sense of the mushiness, the character flaws, the weakness masquerading as morality that was in the hearts of the statesmen who stood in his path. ** [[Pat Buchanan]], [http://www.realchange.org/hitler.htm column discussing John Toland's biography of Hitler] (1977). * [Hitler] himself saw Christianity as a temporary ally, for in his opinion 'one is either a Christian or a German'. To be both was impossible. Nazism itself was a religion, a pagan religion, and Hitler was its high priest... Its high altar [was] Germany itself and the German people, their soil and forests and language and traditions. ** [[Geoffrey Blainey]], ''A Short History of Christianity'', Viking (2011) pp. 495–6 * "Everybody thinks Hitler got to power because of his [[armies]], because they were willing to [[kill]], and that's partially true, because in the real world [[power]] is always built on the threat of death and dishonor. But mostly he got to power on [[words]], on the right words at the right time." : "I was just thinking of of comparing you to him." :* [[Orson Scott Card]] ''[[Ender's Game]]'' p. 131 * Try explaining Hitler to a kid. ** [[George Carlin]], from ''Brain Droppings''. *Hitler was actually a fairly evolved individual... two-fifths of the way along the path to becoming a [[Masters of Wisdom|Master]] ... It is true that Hitler was only a second-degree [[Initiation (theosophy)|initiate]], but so, too, were [[Mahatma Gandhi]], [[w:Wilhelm Reich|Reich]], [[Freud]], [[Jung]], [[Einstein]], [[Albert Schweitzer|Schweitzer]], [[Plato]] and many other very evolved individuals who have contributed massively to our civilization and culture. Occasionally, however, there is a rotten egg in the basket. Hitler was one of these, a deeply evil personality. Because he was of the second degree, he had power and could be powerfully used, obsessed, by the forces of evil - like vibration attracted like vibration... Hitler was a [[w:Mediumship|medium]]... He also patted children on the head, his friends liked him, no doubt, but when the obsession took place, when he was talking to the multitudes, he became a ranting, powerful, obsessed, hollow shell who galvanized Germany, Japan and Italy to link together across the world as [[w:Axis powers|the Axis powers]]. Through that triangle the forces of [[w:evil|evil]] manifested... So Hitler was involved - as an agent for the forces of evil and also by his own innate evil: it is evil to want to dominate the world for 1,000 years, which is what he envisaged for the [[w:Third Reich|Third Reich]]. Not to mention the [[w:Gas_chamber#Nazi_Germany|gas chambers]]. **[[Benjamin Creme]], [https://www.share-international.org/archives/religion/faq_religion.htm ''Religion FAQ, Share International,''] (April 1999) *These people [Nazis] [[reincarnation|incarnated]] in [[Israel]] in relation probably to thousands of [[Jews]] in Germany that they had murdered, oppressed in every way. They grew to hate Jews for whatever reason. It was Hitler’s aim to get rid of all the Jews in the world if he could do it. He could not do it, but the Nazis got rid of about 6 million in Europe. They are responsible, and have now [[Reincarnation|come back]] as Jews... It is the [[Karma|Law of Cause and Effect]], that is, [[karma]]. They are living as the very people that they were so hateful to and oppressed in their previous incarnation. They are also bringing with them the quality of their ray structure, the energies which they use, which gave them power in Germany. These people were not the top people, but the people under them in the SS and army. It is not just the odd individual, there are a lot. Large numbers of Nazis have also reincarnated in Argentina and other places, including the USA. It was Hitler's aim to get rid of all the Jews in the world if he could do it. He could not do it, but the Nazis got rid of about 6 million in Europe. They are responsible, and have now [[Reincarnation|come back]] as Jews. p.76 **[[Benjamin Creme]], [[Benjamin_Creme#The_World_Teacher_for_All_Humanity_(2007)|''The World Teacher for All Humanity'']] (2007) *Hitler is no longer in incarnation; he is in what Christians would call [[W:purgatory|purgatory]]. How long he will be there I have no idea, but a long time. There is a direct correlation with the evil effect that a person has through working with the forces of involution. The greater the impact of that in the world, the greater will be the [[karma]] of that person... There are some people who are not essentially evil, like [[Joseph Stalin|Stalin]]... I do not include Stalin in that group... he is grey. It is a personal misuse of power, and a lack of recognition of the difference between [[good and evil]]. Whereas Hitler (also a second-degree initiate), was literally obsessed by the forces, as to a lesser extent was [[Benito Mussolini|Mussolini]] in Italy. But the correlation must always be with the amount of energy expended **[[Benjamin Creme]], [[Benjamin_Creme#The_World_Teacher_for_All_Humanity_(2007)|''The World Teacher for All Humanity'']] (2007) * But if you can [[w:artificial selection|breed]] [[cattle]] for [[milk]] yield, [[horses]] for running speed, and [[dogs]] for herding skill, why on Earth should it be impossible to breed humans for [[Mathematics|mathematical]], [[Music|musical]] or [[Sports|athletic]] ability? Objections such as "these are not one-dimensional abilities" apply equally to cows, horses and dogs and never stopped anybody in practice. I wonder whether, some 60 years after Hitler's death, we might at least venture to ask what the moral difference is between breeding for musical ability and forcing a child to take music lessons. Or why it is acceptable to train fast [[Running|runners]] and [[w:High jump|high jumpers]] but not to breed them. I can think of some answers, and they are good ones, which would probably end up persuading me. But hasn't the time come when we should stop being frightened even to put the question? **[[Richard Dawkins]], From the Afterword, The Herald Scotland, (November 20, 2006) * What's to prevent us from saying Hitler wasn't right? I mean, that is a genuinely difficult question. ** [[Richard Dawkins]] [http://byfaithonline.com/page/in-the-world/richard-dawkins-the-atheist-evangelist "Richard Dawkins, the Atheist Evangelist", by Larry Taunton, ''byFaith'' (18 December 2007)] * Adolf Hitler may have been wrong all down the line, but one thing is beyond dispute: the man was able to work his way up from lance corporal in the German Army to Führer of a people of almost 80 million. ... His success alone proved that I should subordinate myself to this man. ** [[Adolf Eichmann]], As quoted in "The Eichmann Memoir" in ''The Personalist Volume XLII'' (1961). *Hitler is probably the world's most notorious tyrant. His name is virtually synonymous with evil. Rising from obscurity and failure, he found inspiration in the German army and entered politics after World War I. His Nazi Party became the largest in Germany, leading to his appointment as Chancellor in 1933. Within a year, he had turned Germany into a dictatorship. He built up the economy while establishing a police state based on terror. He pushed his country into World War II where his aggressive leadership produced spectacular vicotories until he was opposed by the Soviet Union and the United States. During the war, he ordered the murder of six million Jews and other minorities. With his country collapsing around him, he committed suicide. **Clive Foss, ''The Tyrants: 2,500 Years of Absolute Power and Corruption'' (2006), p. 140 *Hitler had no superior, and there was no [[Appeals|appeal]] against him. The only alternative to obedience was imprisonment or death. He ruled Germany through the regular government and the increasingly powerful Nazi Party whose organizations reached every level of the population. The regime looked simple and streamlined, but Hitler, who believed in the survival of the fittest, encouraged [[competition]] among his subordinates, often appointing two people to very similar jobs, so that they would have to come to him for resolution. He rarely consulted his cabinet but relied on a loyal coterie headed by Heinrich Himmler, chief of the elite [[w:Schutzstaffel|SS]] troops, and the [[w:Gestapo|Gestapo]] (secret police), Hermann Goring, commander of the air force and Joseph Goebbels, Minister of Propaganda. Hitler was the ultimate [[amateur]], a skilled [[Politicians|politician]] with no education but a [[w:Photographic memory|photographic memory]] that enabled him to intimidate his officers. He distrusted educated [[Specialization|specialists]] and believed he was right about everything. He met with his cronies over [[tea]] where he would endulge in endless [[Monologue|monologues]] - tea, because he was a vegetarian and teetotaller who also firmly discouraged [[Tobacco|smoking]]. **Clive Foss, ''The Tyrants: 2,500 Years of Absolute Power and Corruption'' (2006), p. 141 *Hitler did a better job than Stalin of accomplishing Lenin's totalitarian promises—better, too, than Mussolini,... ** [[François Furet]], ''The Passing of an Illusion, The Idea of Communism in the Twentieth Century'', University of Chicago Press (1999) p. 205 * What was new about Hitler and Stalin was what Friedrich Meinecke, in an attempt shortly after World War II to express his horror at Hitler's moral [[nihilism]], called a '[[Niccolò Machiavelli|Machiavellianism]] of the masses'. ** [[François Furet]], ''The Passing of an Illusion, The Idea of Communism in the Twentieth Century'', University of Chicago Press (1999) p. 191 * In many thundering discourses, Hitler expressed his respect, if not admiration for Stalinist Communism and its leader. **François Furet, ''Passing of an Illusion: The Idea of Communism in the Twentieth Century'', Chicago, Illinois; London, England, University of Chicago Press, 1999, p. 191 * The names of [[Vladimir Lenin|Lenin]], [[Joseph Stalin|Stalin]], and Hitler will forever be linked to the tragic course of European history in the first half of the twentieth century. Only weeks after the [[Russian Revolution]] the Bolsheviks created [[w:Cheka|secret police forces]] far more brutal than any that had existed under the [[Nicholas II of Russia|tsar]]. The Nazis followed suit and were no sooner in power than they instituted the dreaded [[w:Gestapo|Gestapo]]. Under both regimes millions of people were incarcerated in [[Concentration camp|concentration camps]] where they were tortured and frequently worked to death. ** [[w:Robert Gellately|Robert Gellately]], ''Lenin, Stalin, and Hitler : The Age of Social Catastrophe'' (2007). [[File:Children headed for deportation.JPG|thumb|He set out to [[kill]] [[people]] not for what they did but for who they were. Even [[Mao]] and [[Stalin]] were killing their "class enemies." Hitler killed a million [[Jewish]] [[babies]] just for existing. ~ [[w:Nancy Gibbs|Nancy Gibbs]] ]] * If all Hitler had done was kill people in vast numbers more efficiently than anyone else ever did, the debate over his lasting importance might end there. But Hitler's impact went beyond his willingness to kill without mercy. He did something civilization had not seen before. [[Genghis Khan]] operated in the context of the nomadic steppe, where pillaging villages was the norm. Hitler came out of the most civilized society on Earth, the land of [[Beethoven]] and [[Goethe]] and [[Schiller]]. '''He set out to kill people not for what they did but for who they were. Even [[Mao Zedong|Mao]] and [[Stalin]] were killing their "class enemies." Hitler killed a million Jewish babies just for existing.''' ** {{w|Nancy Gibbs}}, as quoted in [http://www.time.com/time/time100/poc/magazine/the_necessary_evil19a.html ''Time''] magazine (3 January 2000). * To me there are two Hitlers: one who existed until the end of the French war; the other begins with the Russian campaign. In the beginning he was genial and pleasant. He would have extraordinary willpower and unheard-of influence on people. The important thing to remember is that the first Hitler, the man who I knew until the end of the French war, had much charm and goodwill. He was always frank. The second Hitler, who existed from the beginning of the Russian campaign until his suicide, was always suspicious, easily upset, and tense. He was distrustful to an extreme degree. ** [[Hermann Göring]], quoted in The ''Nuremberg Interviews'' by Leon Goldensohn, 24 May 1946 * Hitler was dead by his own hand and the Allies quickly went about gathering up officials of the Nazi regime. Germany was prostrated, its cities in rubble, its manufactories smashed, its people dispirited and unable even to feed themselves. They crawled out of their cellars and hiding places and looked around into a profound silence enveloping the entire nation. Many- probably most of them- were terribly embarrassed and ashamed at what their leaders had put them through but, after all, they had voted Hitler and the Nazis into power. It was one of the most horrid mistakes a democracy had ever made and a powerful lesson for today and tomorrow. The Third Reich that Hitler predicted would "last a thousand years" was abolished in little more than a decade, though at terrible cost. ** [[w:Winston Groom|Winston Groom]], ''The Generals: Patton, MacArthur, Marshall, and the Winning of World War II'' (2015), p. 395 *[Hitler] was to all intents and purposes an atheist by the time I got to know him, although he still paid lip-service to religious beliefs and certainly acknowledged them as the basis for the thinking of others. **[[Ernst Hanfstaengl]], ''Hitler: The Memoir of a Nazi Insider Who Turned Against the Führer'' [1957], New York: NY, Arcade Publishing, 2011, p. 69 *[Hitler] would attack the former ruling classes for their surrender of the nation, their class prejudices and feudal economic system to applause from the Left-Wingers, and then riddle those who were prepared to decry the true traditions of German greatness to the applause of the Right-Wingers. **[[Ernst Hanfstaengl]] ''Hitler: The Memoir of a Nazi Insider Who Turned Against the Führer'' [1957], New York: NY, Arcade Publishing, 2011, p. 69 * Had Hitler died in middle of the 1930's, Nazism would probably have shown, under the leadership of a [[Hermann Göring|Goering]], a fundamental change in its course, and the Second World War might have been averted. Yet the sepulcher of Hitler, the founder of a Nazi religion, might perhaps have been a greater evil than all the atrocities, bloodshed and destruction of Hitler's war. ** [[Eric Hoffer]], ''The True Believer'' (1951) Ch.18 Good and Bad Mass Movements, §122 * The monstrous evils of the twentieth century have shown us that the greediest money grubbers are gentle doves compared with money-hating wolves like Lenin, [[Joseph Stalin|Stalin]], and [[Adolf Hitler|Hitler]], who in less than three decades killed or maimed nearly a hundred million men, women, and children and brought untold suffering to a large portion of mankind. ** {{Citation | first = Eric | last = Hoffer | author-link = Eric Hoffer | title = In Our Time | year = 1976}}. * I would have preferred it if he'd followed his original ambition and become an [[Architecture|architect]]. ** [[w:Paula Hitler|Paula Hitler]], his much younger sister, during an interview with a U.S. intelligence operative in late 1945. * I admit, I was fascinated by Adolf Hitler. He was a pleasant boss and a fatherly friend. ** [[w:Traudl Junge|Traudl Junge]], Hitler's secretary. * Of course, the terrible things I heard from the [[w:Nuremberg Trials|Nuremberg Trials]], about the six million Jews and the people from other races who were killed, were facts that shocked me deeply. But I wasn't able to see the connection with my own past. I was satisfied that I wasn't personally to blame and that I hadn't known about those things. I wasn't aware of the extent. But one day I went past the memorial plaque which had been put up for [[w:Sophie Scholl|Sophie Scholl]] in Franz Josef Strasse, and I saw that she was born the same year as me, and she was executed the same year I started working for Hitler. And at that moment I actually sensed that it was no excuse to be young, and that it would have been possible to find things out. ** [[w:Traudl Junge|Traudl Junge]] Hitler's secretary, in [[w:Im toten Winkel|''Im toten Winkel - Hitlers Sekretärin'' (''Blind Spot: Hitler's Secretary'')]] * After visiting these two places you can easily see how that within a few years Hitler will emerge from the hatred that surrounds him now as one of the most significant figures who ever lived. He had boundless ambition for his country, which rendered him a menace to the peace of the world, but he had a mystery about him in the way that he lived and in the manner of his death that will live and grow after him. He had in him the stuff of which legends are made. ** The Post-War diary of [[John F. Kennedy]], as quoted in ''Prelude to Leadership'' (pages 73&ndash;74, last two paragraphs). * We can never forget that everything Hitler did in Germany was "legal" and everything the Hungarian freedom fighters did was "illegal." It was "illegal" to aid and comfort a Jew in Hitler's Germany. Even so, I am sure that, had I lived in Germany at the time, I would have aided and comforted my Jewish brothers. ** [[Martin Luther King, Jr.]], "Letter from a Birmingham Jail" in ''The Essential Martin Luther King, Jr.'' *Hitler was a wonderful actor. At times when he was beating his breast and assuring his visitor of his own devotion to peace, I was almost overwhelmed by the performance; and I was tempted to believe that my judgement must have gone to pieces in ever doubting the man's sincerity. But he was also so fundamentally wicked, and this appeared so clearly in his conversation that one's reason eventually got the upper hand. As the years passed, power visibly corrupted him. He became more intolerant of any opposition, more convinced of his mission and more openly ruthless. There was less need to dissemble and he almost gloried in his wickedness. **[[w:Ivone Kirkpatrick|Ivone Kirkpatrick]], ''The Inner Circle'' (1959), p. 69 *My reliable informants in the German camp had already made it clear to me that Hitler regarded the Prime Minister [Neville Chamberlain] as an impertinent busybody who spoke the ridiculous jargon of an out-moded democracy. The umbrella, which to the ordinary German was the symbol of peace, was in Hitler's view only a subject of derision. **[[w:Ivone Kirkpatrick|Ivone Kirkpatrick]], ''The Inner Circle'' (1959), p. 122 * If he (Hitler) does not eat meat, drink alcoholic beverages, or smoke, it is not due to the fact that he has some kind of inhibition or does it because he believes it will improve his health. He abstains from these because he is following the example of the great German, Richard Wagner, or because he has discovered that it increases his energy and endurance to such a degree that he can give much more of himself to the creation of the new German Reich. ** Walter C. Langer, "The Mind of Adolf Hitler", Walter C. Langer, New York 1972 p.54-55 * Hitler ... was a hero, the hero-as-monster, embodying what had become the monstrous fantasy of a people, but the horror upon which the radical mind and liberal temperament foundered was that he gave outlet to the energies of the Germans and so presented the twentieth century with an index of how horrible had become the secret heart of its desire. ** [[Norman Mailer]], ''[http://www.esquire.com/news-politics/a3858/superman-supermarket/ Superman Comes to the Supermarket]. (November 1960) * Five hundred years from now, it won't be Hitler we remember. Hitler may have set the century's agenda; he was a sort of vortex of negative energy that sucked everything else in. But I think God takes fallible human beings like [[Franklin Delano Roosevelt|Roosevelt]] or Churchill and carves them for his purposes. In five centuries, we'll look back and say the story of the century was not Hitler or Stalin; it was the survival of the human spirit in the face of genocide. ** [[w:Martin E. Marty|Martin E. Marty]] in [http://www.time.com/time/time100/poc/magazine/the_necessary_evil19a.html ''Time'' magazine (3 January 2000)]. *[[Hermann Rauschning|Rauschning]], at the end of 1939, denounced Hitler and his movement as 'the apocalyptic riders of world annihilation', and as an eruption of 'the beast from the abyss'. National Socialism, he added, was 'the [[w:Saint Vitus' dance|Saint Vitus's dance]] of the twentieth century'; if Hitler won the war, it would mean the end of everything that made life worth living. **Meir Michaelis, 'World Power Status or World Dominion? A Survey of the Literature on Hitler's 'Plan of World Dominion' (1937-1970)', ''The Historical Journal'', Vol. 15, No. 2 (Jun., 1972), p. 335 * As far as Hitler is concerned, we regarded him as a true man. He was only a corporal when he earned the Iron Cross First Class in World War I. In those days that was quite an achievement. When he spoke at meetings or rallies he managed to captivate his audience. He was able to get us in a mood where we believed everything he said and we left fired with enthusiasms. Everyone I met respected and trusted Hitler and I myself shared these feelings and opinions. ** Standartenoberjunker [[w:Jan Munk|Jan Munk]] - SS * People ask me who my heroes are. I admire Hitler because he pulled his country together when it was in a terrible state in the early thirties. But the situation here [Vietnam] is so desperate now that one man would not be enough. We need four or five Hitlers in Vietnam. ** [[Ho Chí Minh|Nguyen Cao Ky]], July, 1965 interview with the Daily Mirror. * When I came back to [[United States|my native country]], after all the stories about Hitler, I couldn't ride in the front of the bus. I had to go to the back door. I couldn't live where I wanted. I wasn't invited to shake hands with Hitler, but I wasn't invited to the White House to shake hands with [[Franklin D. Roosevelt|the president]], either. ** [[Jesse Owens]], as quoted in [http://espn.go.com/sportscentury/features/00016393.html "Owens Pierced a Myth"] (2005), by Larry Schwartz, ''ESPN SportsCentury''. * When I passed the chancellor he arose, waved his hand at me, and I waved back at him. I think the writers showed bad taste in criticizing the man of the hour in Germany. ** [[Jesse Owens]], as quoted in [https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Special:BookSources/0399603158 ''The Jesse Owens Story''] (1970). *I met Hitler for the first time on June 9, 1932. ... I found him curiously unimpressive. ... I could detect no inner quality which might explain his extraordinary hold on the masses. He was wearing a dark blue suit and seemed the complete ''petit-bourgeois''. He had an unhealthy complexion, and with his little moustache and curious hair style had an indefinable bohemian quality. His demeanour was modest and polite, and although I had heard much about the magnetic quality of his eyes, I do not remember being impressed by them. ... [A]s he talked about his party's aims I was struck by the fanatical insistence with which he presented his arguments. I realized that the fate of my Government would depend to a large extent on the willingness of this man and his followers to back me up, and that this would be the most difficult problem with which I should have to deal. **[[Franz von Papen]], ''Memoirs'' (1952), p. 162 * In prison for his part in the [[w:Beer Hall Putsch|1923 putsch]], Hitler rethought the Italian example in the light of his own failure and concluded that he could only win power through the ballot box. Electoral propaganda was at first directed primarily at industrial workers, in the hope of detaching them from the [[w:Communist Party of Germany|KDP]]. But in the [[w:1928 German federal election|1928 elections]] showed unexpected gains amongst the [[w:Protestantism in Germany|Protestant peasantry]], who had suffered badly from the agricultural crisis. From then on {{w|Nazi propaganda}} was more targeted at [[conservative]] voters, and this paid off with [[w:1930 German federal election|electoral breakthrough in 1930]]. ** [[Kevin Passmore]], {{cite book |title=Fascism: A Very Short Introduction |date=2014 |publisher={{w|Oxford University Press}} |isbn=978-0-19-150856-1 |page=72–73 |url=https://books.google.com/books?id=0ACCAwAAQBAJ&pg=PT72}} * For want of alternatives, the conservatives [[w:Adolf Hitler's rise to power|made Hitler chancellor on 30 January 1933]]. Like [[Mussolini]], Hitler alone bridged the gap between parliamentary and street politics. ** [[Kevin Passmore]], {{cite book |title=Fascism: A Very Short Introduction |date=2014 |publisher={{w|Oxford University Press}} |isbn=978-0-19-150856-1 |page=73 |url=https://books.google.com/books?id=0ACCAwAAQBAJ&pg=PT73}} * Nazism and Fascism are thoroughly beaten, but I must admit that their defeat does not mean that barbarism and brutality have been defeated. On the contrary, it is no use closing our eyes to the fact that these hateful ideas achieved something like a victory in defeat. I have to admit that Hitler succeeded in degrading the moral standards of our Western world, and that in the world of today there is more violence and brutal force than would have been tolerated even in the decade after the first World war. And we must face the possibility that our civilization may ultimately be destroyed by those new weapons which Hitlerism wished upon us, perhaps even within the first decade after the second World war; for no doubt the spirit of Hitlerism won its greatest victory over us when, after its defeat, we used the weapons which the threat of Nazism had induced us to develop. ** [[Karl Popper]] in [[Karl_Popper#Utopia_and_Violence_.281947.29|"Utopia and Violence"]] (1947) *Out of the mud and slime of lies, your holy red, white and black Swastika has been flung back into the skies in [[Virginia]], [[United States|United States of America]], and we pledge you our lives, Adolf Hitler, that we shall not flag or fail until we have utterly destroyed the forces of Marxism and darkness. **[[George Lincoln Rockwell]], founder of the [[w:American Nazi Party|American Nazi Party]], dedication in his book ''This Time the World'' (1960). *What people don't remember is that Hitlerism was about more than just [[Military|militarism]], [[nationalism]], and consolidation of [[identity politics]]. It also involved a substantial shift in German domestic politics away from [[Laissez-faire|free enterprise]], or what remained of it under [[w:Weimar Republic|Weimar]], toward [[Collectivism|collectivist]] [[Planned economy|economic planning]]. **[[Lew Rockwell]], [http://mises.org/daily/3564 Headed to National Socialism], July 10, 2009. * Before Hitler, we thought we had sounded the depths of [[human nature]]. He showed how much lower we could go, and that's what was so horrifying. It gets us wondering not just at the depths he showed us but whether there is worse to come. ** [[w:Ron Rosenbaum|Ron Rosenbaum]] in [http://www.time.com/time/time100/poc/magazine/the_necessary_evil19a.html ''Time'' magazine (3 January 2000)]. * I am a great admirer of Hitler, and I am not ashamed to say so! I do not say that I agree with all the methods he employed, but he was a wonderful organizer and orator, and I feel that he and I have several things in common.... What India really needs is a dictator who will rule benevolently, but with an iron hand. ** [[Bal Thackeray]] http://www.asiaweek.com/asiaweek/95/0922/nat5.html. * Hitler is an outcome of [[Rousseau]]. ** [[Bertrand Russell]]'', ''A History of Western Philosophy'', New York: Simon and Schuster, 1945, p. 685. * But without Adolf Hitler, who was possessed of a demonic personality, a granite will, uncanny instincts, a cold ruthlessness, a remarkable intellect, a soaring imagination and – until the end, when, drunk with power and success, he overreached himself – an amazing capacity to size up people and situations, there almost certainly would never have been a Third Reich. ** [[William L. Shirer]], ''The Rise and Fall of the Third Reich'' * Adolf Hitler is probably the last of the great adventurer-conquerors in the tradition of [[Alexander the Great|Alexander]], [[Julius Caesar|Caesar]] and Napoleon, and the Third Reich the last of the [[Empire|empires]] which set out on the path taken earlier by France, Rome and Macedonia. The curtain was rung on that phase of history, at least, by the sudden invention of the [[Nuclear weapons|hydrogen bomb]], of the [[w:ballistic missile|ballistic missile]] and of [[w:Rocket|rockets]] that can be aimed to hit the [[moon]]. In our new age of terrifying, lethal gadgets, which supplanted so swiftly the old one, the first great aggressive war, should it come, will be launched by suicidal little madmen pressing an electronic button. There will be no conquerors and no conquests, but only the charred bones of the dead on an uninhabited [[planet]]. ** [[William L. Shirer]], ''The Rise and Fall of the Third Reich'' (1960), p. xii * In retrospect, it is easy to see that the horrors inflicted upon the Jews of Germany on November 9 and the harsh and brutal measures taken against them afterward were portents of a fatal weakening which in the end would bring the dictator, his regime and his nation down in utter ruin. The evidences of Hitler's megalomania we have seen permeating hundreds of pages of this narrative. But until now he had usually been able to hold it in check at critical stages in his rise and in that of his country. At such moments his genius for acting not only boldly, but usually only after a careful calculation of the consequences, had won him one crashing success after another. But now, as November 9 and its aftermath clearly showed, Hitler was losing his self-control. His megalomania was getting the upper hand. The stenographic record of the Goering meeting on November 12 reveals that it was Hitler who, in the final analysis, was responsible for the holocaust of that November evening; it was he who gave the necessary approval to launch it; he who pressed Goering to go ahead with the elimination of Jews from German life. From now on the absolute master of the Third Reich would show little of that restraint which had saved him so often before. And though his genius and that of his country would lead to further startling conquests, the poisonous seeds of eventual self-destruction for the dictator and his land had now been sown. Hitler's sickness was contagious; the nation was catching it, as if it were a virus. ** [[William L. Shirer]], ''The Rise and Fall of the Third Reich'' (1960), p. 435 * It was 3:30PM on Monday, April 30, 1945, ten days after Adolf Hitler's sixty-fifth birthday and twelve years and three months to a day since he had become Chancellor of Germany and instituted the Third Reich. It would survive him but a week. ** [[William L. Shirer]], ''The Rise and Fall of the Third Reich'' (1960), p. 1133 * In contrast to the ultimate realization that he was dealing with a formidable enemy in the east, Hitler clung to the end to his preconceived opinion that the troops of the Western countries were poor fighting material. Even the Allied successes in Africa and Italy could not shake his belief that these soldiers would run away at the first serious onslaught. He was convinced that these soldiers would run away from the first serious onslaught. He was convinced that democracy enfeebled a nation. As late as the summer of 1944 he held to his theory that all the ground that had been lost in the West would be quickly reconquered. His opinions on the Western statesmen had a similar bias. He considered Churchill, as he often stated during the situation conferences, an incompetent, alcoholic demagogue. And he asserted in all seriousness that Roosevelt was not a victim of infantile paralysis but of syphilitic paralysis and was therefore mentally unsound. These opinions, too, were indications, of his flight from reality in the last years of his life. ** [[Albert Speer]], ''Inside the Third Reich: Memoirs'' (1970), p. 306-307 * Hitler preached "superior and inferior races." [[Stalin]] challenged him in one of the most sweeping statements ever made of human equality: "Neither language nor color of skin nor cultural back-wardeness nor the stage of political development can justify national and race inequality". ** [[Anna Louise Strong]], ''The Stalin Era'' (1957), p. 57 * When [Friedrich] Krohn and Hitler first met around the time that Hitler first attended a meeting of what was to become the Nazi Party, Hitler told him that he favored a 'socialism' that took the form of a 'national Social Democracy' that was loyal to the state, not dissimilar to that of [[w:Scandinavia|Scandinavia]], England, and prewar Bavaria. **[[ Thomas Weber]], ''Becoming Hitler: The Making of a Nazi'', New York, NY, Basic Books, 2017, pp. 66-67 * In theory, all Munich-based military units and thus Hitler's regiment, too, were part of the Red Army. In that sense, Hitler served in the Red Army. In reality, however, most regiments neither actively supported the [[w:Soviet Bavarian Republic| Soviet]] [Bavarian] regime nor opposed it. ** [[Thomas Weber]], ''Becoming Hitler: The Making of a Nazi'', New York, NY, Basic Books, 2017, p. 52 *At the beginning of the [[20th century|twentieth century]], few people would have suspected that a nation considered by many to be the most cultured, advanced and civilized would elect to power a homicidal maniac and allow him to seize total control of every institution in the country and every facet of the community. A man who maltreated, gassed and otherwise murdered millions of people based on their racial and ethnic background. **[[w:Stefan B. Tahmassebi|Stefan B. Tahmassebi]], as quoted in [http://web.archive.org/web/20000816062011/http://www.saf.org/LawReviews/Tahmassebi1.html "Gun Control and Racism"] (1991), by S.B. Tahmassebi, ''George Mason University Civil Rights Law Journal '', Virginia: George Mason University, p. 67. * Hitler's socialism was his own and subordinate to his secret aims. His concept of organized economy was close to genuine socialism but he would be a socialist only so long as it served the greater goal. ** [[w:John Toland (author)|John Toland]] ''Adolf Hitler: The Definitive Biography'' New York: NY, Anchor Books—Doubleday (1976) p. 314 * It seems likely that more will be written about Adolf Hitler than about anyone else in history with the exception of [[Jesus]] [[w:Christ|Christ]]. ... As long as people are fascinated by the range and depth of evil, Hitler will find readers, for he was the [[w:Moloch|Molech]] who devoured human beings in a regime that was "the negation of God erected into a system of Government." ** [[w:Robert G. L. Waite|Robert George Leeson Waite]], ''The Psychopathic God : Adolf Hitler'' (1993), p. xi. *Hitler had genuine admiration for the decisive manner in which the President had taken over the reins of government. **John Toland, ''Adolf Hitler: The Definitive Biography'', New York, NY, Anchor Books, Doubleday (1992) p. 312n *[T]he erstwhile corporal and his 'ridiculously dangerous' Nazis, as I described them in a report. After the [Munich] Putsch he qualified as a topic, pennilessly raging against trade unions, Marxists, Masons, the Treaty of Versailles. Physically insecure he embodied frustration, and rang the bells of nationalism, which felt impotent too. Released from prison as negligible, he produced a rambling book cribbed from [[Houston Stewart Chamberlain|Houston Chamberlain]]. Few guessed that this was the new German Bible. Nobody in Britain read it, though statesmen must keep abreast of nonsense if they are to appraise our prospects. He also pinched Roman salute and blood-bath from Musso, and compounded a ''Welthanschauung'' of racialism. He had moustached disciples, a crackpot economist, [[Gottfried Feder|Feder]], a flair for hustings and [[w:National Socialist Program|25 points]]. One of them made sense, but not good sense. **[[w:Robert Vansittart, 1st Baron Vansittart|Lord Vansittart]], ''The Mist Procession'' (1958), p. 305 * Was there no resistance to his disastrous projects? There was. But it was too feeble, too weak and too late to succeed... The fact is that Hitler was beloved by his people—not the military, at least not in the beginning, but by the average Germans who pledged to him an affection, a tenderness and a fidelity that bordered on the irrational... Winston Churchill was the only man of state who unmasked Hitler immediately and refused to let himself be duped by Hitler's repeated promises that this time he was making his "last territorial demand." ... In his own "logic," Hitler was persuaded for a fairly long time that the German and British people had every reason to get along and divide up spheres of influence throughout the world. He did not understand British obstinacy in its resistance to his racial philosophy and to the practical ends it engendered... After [[Erwin Rommel|Rommel]]'s defeat in North Africa, after the debacle at Stalingrad and even when the landings in Normandy were imminent, Hitler and his entourage still had the mind to come up with the Final Solution. In his testament, drafted in a underground bunker just hours before his suicide in Berlin, Hitler returns again to this hatred of the Jewish people that had never left him. But in the same testament, he settles his score with the German people. He wants them to be sacked, destroyed, reduced to misery and shame for having failed him by denying him his glory. The former corporal become commander in chief of all his armies and convinced of his strategic and political genius was not prepared to recognize his own responsibility for the defeat of his Reich. ** [[Elie Wiesel]] in [http://www.time.com/time/time100/leaders/profile/hitler.html ''Time'' (13 April 1998)]. * Unlike [[Mussolini]] [Hitler] spurned the 'proletariat' and its Marxism, which was as bad as Christianity in his eyes, for it, too, was the faith of the downtrodden and the weak. In Vienna perhaps, certainly later in Munich, Hitler picked up, with a smattering of [[Nietzsche]], the opposite religion of the strong. ** [[w:Elizabeth Wiskemann|Elizabeth Wiskemann]] in ''[[w:The Rome-Berlin Axis|The Rome-Berlin Axis]]'' (page 13). * ...crazy, tasteless even, as it may sound, the problem with Hitler was that ''he was not violent enough'', that his violence was not 'essential' enough... ** [[Slavoj Žižek]], ''In Defense of Lost Causes'' (2008), as quoted by Adam Kirsch, "The Deadly Jester", ''The New Republic'', December 2, 2008 ==== ''The War Aims and Strategies of Adolf Hitler'' (2005) ==== :<small>by Oscar Pinkus</small> * Adolf Hitler was... a slightly stooped man... with drooping shoulders and a pallid face. ...His voice was shrill and raucus. His... [[wikt:plebeian#Adjective|plebian]] face and general resemblance to a clerk contrasted sharply with his speech... Sulky, morbid and slightly unkept... Because of his rather frail physical frame, he was rejected by the Austrians for military service... When later in the war his eyesight deteriorated he avoided wearing spectacles... He feared flying and distrusted the sea. He refused to indulge in any sport or competition, saying "A leader cannot afford to be beaten in games."<!--p. 8--> * Hitler... ate no meat, drank no alcohol, and did not smoke, nor would he allow others to smoke in his presence. Instead, he was fond of sweets. He was not interested in wealth... Of the six women with whom he was involved... five attempted or committed suicide...<!--p. 8--> * Hitler's education was rudimentary. The grades he received in school were poor and he failed to finish high school. For this he hated his teachers. ...Except for newspapers and books on military tactics he had no interest in reading for, said he, "Only a confused jumble of chaotic notions will result from all this reading."<!--p. 8--> * Hitler completely lacked what is a common human trait—a sense of shame.<!--p. 11--> * Vague, wary, secretive, he preferred endless talk. He had a remarkable memory... employed false data and false facts and when discovered never flinched, arguing "The New Testament is full of contradictions but did not prevent spread the spread of Christianity."<!--p. 11--> * Hitler can be described as a possessed psycopath... Whatever he... formulated remained unaltered throughout his life and no... facts ever altered it. He bent and slanted reality to suit his conceptions...<!--p. 12--> * All major decisions were taken by Hitler, without any consultation...<!--p. 12--> * He exterminated by class, by nationality, by race; everyone with a university degree, all retarded people, all gypsies, all Jews, all Russian POWs—slaughtering entire populations according to his private demons.<!--p. 12--> * Hitler must be classed as a [[Nihilism|nihilist]] because he possessed not one positive idea or objective. ...He had no love or loyalty to anyone or anything.<!--p. 12--> * Before he committed suicide he ordered the destruction of... the Reich, pronouncing... the German people had no right to exist, for they had proved inferior to the "Eastern Peoples."<!--p. 12--> ==Sources== *Norman H. Baynes, ed. ''The Speeches of Adolf Hitler, April 1922–August 1939'', Vols. 1 and 2, Oxford University Press, 1942. *John Cornwell, ''Hitler's Pope: The Secret History of Pius XII'', Viking, 1999. *Richard Steigmann-Gall, ''The Holy Reich: Nazi conception of Christianity, 1919–1945'', Cambridge University Press, 2003. == External links == {{similarlinks}} {{Wikipedia|List of Adolf Hitler speeches}} * [http://www.jewishvirtuallibrary.org/site-search?q=adolf+hitler Material about Hitler] at the {{w|Jewish Virtual Library}} webpage * [https://calvin.edu/search/#gsc.tab=0&gsc.q=adolf%20hitler Material about Hitler] at the {{w|Calvin College}} webpage * [http://humanitas-international.org/showcase/chronography/speeches/speeches-hitler.html Speeches by Hitler at Humanitas International] * [http://www.hitler.org/speeches/ Hitler's Speeches] * [http://www.historyplace.com/worldwar2/riseofhitler/25points.htm Hitler's 25 point national socialist program] * [http://www.mondopolitico.com/library/meinkampf/introduction.htm ''Mein Kampf'' translation at the Mondo Politico Library] * [http://gutenberg.net.au/ebooks02/0200601.zip ''Mein Kampf'' translation at Project Gutenberg of Australia] * [http://wais.stanford.edu/Dictators/dictators_hitlermussolini.htm Leadership: Hitler and Mussolini] * [http://www.lawschool.cornell.edu/library/donovan/hitler 1943 Psychological Profile of Hitler] written by Dr. Henry A. Murray for the wartime [[w:Office of Strategic Services|Office of Strategic Services]] [1943 OSS Archives, DD247.H5 M87 1943] * [http://samvak.tripod.com/hitler.html Assessment of Hitler as malignant narcissist] * {{imdb name|id=0386944|name=Adolf Hitler}} * [http://www.badley.info/history/Hitler-Adolf-Germany.biog.html Adolf Hitler Chronology World History Database] *[http://www.historyplace.com/worldwar2/riseofhitler/ Comprehensive account of the rise of Hitler and the Nazi party] *[http://www.ess.uwe.ac.uk/genocide/statements.htm Statements by Hitler and Senior Nazis Concerning Jews and Judaism] ===Videos=== *[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Q-6H4xOUrs Adolf Hitler - Speech (1932)] *[https://www.facinghistory.org/resource-library/video/triumph-will-triumph-des-willens ''Triumph of the Will'' (1935)] on ''facinghistory.org'' ==References== {{Reflist}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Hitler, Adolf}} [[Category:Adolf Hitler]] [[Category:1889 births]] [[Category:1945 deaths]] [[Category:Anti-Semites]] [[Category:Austrian politicians]] [[Category:Anti-communists]] [[Category:Roman Catholics]] [[Category:People of World War II]] [[Category:Chancellors of Germany]] [[Category:Fascist rulers]] [[Category:Heads of state]] [[Category:Non-fiction authors from Austria]] [[Category:Non-fiction authors from Germany]] [[Category:Conspiracy theorists]] [[Category:People of Nazi Germany]] [[Category:Suicides]] [[Category:Vegetarians]] [[Category:White supremacists]] [[Category:Orators]] [[Category:Articles with bare URLs]] ev85glrpfh7os9h0vxw4suy825mm7jv 3152923 3152921 2022-08-09T14:03:38Z Philip Cross 7192 fixed link wikitext text/x-wiki {{semiprotected|small=yes}} : '''''See also: [[Mein Kampf]], [[Religious views of Adolf Hitler]]''''' <!-- This is an EXPERIMENTAL effort, towards which there remains some doubt and skepticism as to the propriety of such a page, as an improper precedent for further disruptive divisions of many kinds. ~ Kalki --> [[File:Hitler portrait crop.jpg|thumb|I want war. To me all means will be right. My motto is not 'Don't, whatever you do, annoy the enemy'. My motto is 'Destroy him by all and any means.' I am the one who will wage the war!]] '''{{w|Adolf Hitler}}''' (adɔlf ˈhɪtlɐ; 20 April 1889&nbsp;– 30 April 1945) was a [[W:Politics of Germany|German politician]] who was the [[W:List of Nazi Party leaders and officials|leader]] of the {{w|Nazi Party}}, {{w|Chancellor of Germany}} from 1933 to 1945, and {{w|Führer}} ("Leader") of {{w|Nazi Germany}} from 1934 to 1945. As [[dictatorship|dictator]], he initiated [[W:European theatre of World War II|World War II in Europe]] with the {{w|invasion of Poland}} in September 1939, and was central to [[the Holocaust]]. ==Quotes== ===1919=== *[[Antisemitism]] based on purely emotional grounds will always find its ultimate expression in the form of [[w:Pogrom|pogroms]]. A rational antisemitism, however, must lead to the systematic legal fight against and the elimination of the prerogatives of the [[Judaism|Jew]]. ... Its ultimate goal, however, must unalterably be the elimination of the Jews altogether. **Letter (16 September 1919), quoted in Eberhard Jäckel, ''Hitler's World View: A Blueprint for Power'' (Harvard University Press, 1981), p. 48 *Our fight is with [[money]]. [[Work]] alone will help us, not money. We must smash interest slavery. Our fight is with the [[Race|races]] that represent money. **Speech at the hall of Zum Deutschen Reich (December 18, 1919), quoted in [[w:Thomas Weber | Thomas Weber]], ''Becoming Hitler: The Making of a Nazi'' (Basic Books, 2017), p. 138. Police report of DAP meeting, SAM, DPM/6697 ===1920=== * The [[common good]] before the individual good. (''Gemeinnutz geht vor Eigennutz'') ** "[[w:National Socialist Program |The Nazi 25-point Programme]]," Hitler's speech on party's program (February 24, 1920) in Munich, Germany. ''Nazi Ideology Before 1933: A Documentation'', Barbara Miller Lane, ‎Leila J. Rupp, introduction and translation, Manchester University Press (1978) p. 43. * [[Socialism]] as the final concept of [[duty]], the ethical duty of work, not just for oneself but also for one's fellow man's sake, and above all the principle: Common good before own good, a struggle against all [[parasitism]] and especially against easy and unearned [[Redistribution of income and wealth|income]]. And we were aware that in this fight we can rely on no one but our own people. We are convinced that socialism in the right sense will only be possible in [[nations]] and races that are [[w:Aryan|Aryan]], and there in the first place we hope for our own people and are convinced that socialism is inseparable from [[nationalism]]. ** "Why We Are Anti-Semites," August 15, 1920 speech in Munich at the Hofbräuhaus. Speech also known as "Why Are We Anti-Semites?" Translated from ''Vierteljahrshefte für Zeitgeschichte'', 16. Jahrg., 4. H. (Oct., 1968), pp. 390-420. Edited by Carolyn Yeager. [https://carolynyeager.net/why-we-are-antisemites-text-adolf-hitlers-1920-speech-hofbr%C3%A4uhaus] * Since we are socialists, we must necessarily also be antisemites because we want to fight against the very opposite: [[materialism]] and mammonism... '''How can you not be an antisemite, being a socialist!''' ** "Why We Are Anti-Semites," August 15, 1920 speech in Munich at the Hofbräuhaus. Translated from ''Vierteljahrshefte für Zeitgeschichte'', 16. Jahrg., 4. H. (Oct., 1968), pp. 390-420. Edited by Carolyn Yeager. [https://carolynyeager.net/why-we-are-antisemites-text-adolf-hitlers-1920-speech-hofbr%C3%A4uhaus] * Because it seems inseparable from the social idea and '''we do not believe that there could ever exist a [[state]] with lasting inner health if it is not built on internal [[social justice]]''', and so we have joined forces with this knowledge. ** "Why We Are Anti-Semites," August 15, 1920 speech in Munich at the Hofbräuhaus. Translated from ''Vierteljahrshefte für Zeitgeschichte'', 16. Jahrg., 4. H. (Oct., 1968), pp. 390-420. Edited by Carolyn Yeager. [https://carolynyeager.net/why-we-are-antisemites-text-adolf-hitlers-1920-speech-hofbr%C3%A4uhaus] ===1921=== * Everyone was at one time a [[Social Democrat]]. ** As quoted in ''Hitler: Sämtliche Aufzeichnungen 1905-1924'', Eberhard Jäckel and Axel Kuhn, (editors) Stuttgart: Deutsche Verlags-Anstalt, 1980, p. 448 (quote from 1921) ===1922=== *The Jews have shown real genius in profiting by [[politics]]. This [[Capitalism|capitalistic]] people, which was brought into [[existence]] by the unscrupulous [[exploitation]] of men, has understood how to get the leadership of the Fourth Estate into its own hands; and by acting both on the [[Conservatism|Right]] and on the [[Left-wing politics|Left]] it has its apostles in both camps. On the Right the Jew does his best to encourage all the evils there are to such an extent that the man of the people, poor devil, will be exasperated as much as possible— [[greed]] of money, unscrupulousness, hard- heartedness, abominable [[Snob|snobbishness]]. More and more Jews have wormed their way into our upper-class families; and the consequence has been that the ruling class has been alienated from its own people. **As quoted in ''A History of National Socialism'', [[Konrad Heiden]], Methuen & Company, LTD, London: UK, 1934, p. 58. Speech in April, 1922 *There are only two possibilities in Germany; do not imagine that the people will forever go with the middle party, the party of compromises; one day it will turn to those who have most consistently foretold the coming ruin and have sought to dissociate themselves from it. '''And that party is either the [[left-wing politics|Left]]: and then God help us! for it will lead us to complete destruction - to [[Bolsheviks|Bolshevism]], or else it is a party of the Right which at the last, when the people is in utter despair, when it has lost all its spirit and has no longer any faith in anything, is determined for its part ruthlessly to seize the reins of power - that is the beginning of resistance of which I spoke a few minutes ago.''' Here, too, there can be no compromise - there are only two possibilities: either victory of the Aryan, or annihilation of the Aryan and the victory of the Jew.<br>..<br>And if we ask who was responsible for our misfortune, then we must inquire who profited by our collapse. And the answer to that question is that '[[Banking|Banks]] and [[w:Stock Exchange|Stock Exchanges]] are more flourishing than ever before.' We were told that capitalism would be destroyed, and when we ventured to remind one or the other of these famous [[Statesmanship|statesmen]] and said 'Don't forget that Jews too have [[capital]],' then the answer was: 'What are you worrying about? Capitalism as a whole will now be destroyed, the whole people will now be free. We are not fighting Jewish or [[Christianity|Christian]] capitalism, we are fighting very capitalism: we are making the people completely free.' ... It is only the international Stock Exchange and loan- capital, the so-called 'supra-state capital,' which has profited from the collapse of our economic life, the capital which receives its character from the single supra-state nation which is itself national to the core, which fancies itself to be above all other nations, which places itself above other nations and which already rules over them. The international Stock Exchange capital would be unthinkable, it would never have come, without its founders the supra-national, because intensely national, Jews.<br>..<br>We must on principle free ourselves from any class standpoint.<br>..<br>'NATIONAL' AND 'SOCIAL' ARE TWO IDENTICAL CONCEPTIONS. It was only the Jew who succeeded, through falsifying the social idea and turning it into Marxism, not only in divorcing the social idea from the national, but in actually representing them as utterly contradictory.<br>..<br>I am perhaps more capable than anyone else of understanding and realizing the nature and the whole life of the various German castes.<br>..<br>THERE ARE NO SUCH THINGS AS CLASSES: THEY CANNOT BE. Class means caste and caste means race. If there are [[Caste system in India|castes in India]], well and good; there it is possible, for there there were formerly Aryans and dark aborigines. So it was in [[Ancient Egypt|Egypt]] and in [[Roman Empire|Rome]]. But with us in Germany where everyone who is a [[Germans|German]] at all has the same [[blood]], has the same [[eyes]], and speaks the same [[language]], here there can be no [[Class conflict|class]], here there can be only a single people and beyond that nothing else.<br>..<br>At the founding of this Movement we formed the decision that we would give expression to this idea of ours of the identity of the two conceptions: despite all warnings, on the basis of what we had come to believe, on the basis of the sincerity of our will, '''we christened it "National Socialist.' We said to ourselves that to be 'national' means above everything to act with a boundless and all-embracing love for the people and, if necessary, even to die for it. And similarly to be 'social' means so to build up the state and the community of the people that every individual acts in the interest of the community of the people and must be to such an extent convinced of the goodness, of the honorable straightforwardness of this community of the people as to be ready to die for it'''. **[https://archive.org/stream/TheSpeechesOfAdolfHitler19211941/hitler-speeches-collection_djvu.txt Munich - Speech of April 12, 1922] *'''Once I really am in power, my first and foremost task will be the annihilation of the Jews'''. As soon as I have the power to do so, I will have gallows built in rows—at the [[w:Marienplatz|Marienplatz]] in [[w:Munich|Munich]], for example—as many as traffic allows. Then the Jews will be hanged indiscriminately, and they will remain hanging until they stink; they will hang there as long as the principles of hygiene permit. As soon as they have been untied, the next batch will be strung up, and so on down the line, until the last Jew in Munich has been exterminated. Other cities will follow suit, precisely in this fashion, '''until all Germany has been completely cleansed of Jews'''. **Statement to Josef Heil, 1922 quoted in [https://books.google.com/books?id=qPV_rGdhYpkC&pg=PA17&dq=Once+I+really+am+in+power,+my+first+and+foremost+task+will+be+the+annihilation+of+the+Jews.+As+soon+as+I+have+the+power+to+do+so,&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwi8uJGhnJbXAhUJbiYKHZXiDi4Q6AEIJzAA#v=onepage&q=Once%20I%20really%20am%20in%20power%2C%20my%20first%20and%20foremost%20task%20will%20be%20the%20annihilation%20of%20the%20Jews.%20As%20soon%20as%20I%20have%20the%20power%20to%20do%20so%2C&f=false Gerald Fleming, ''Hitler and the Final Solution'' pg. 17] ===1923=== *The [[w:Treaty of Versailles|Treaty of Versailles]] and the [[w:Treaty of St Germain|Treaty of St Germain]] are kept alive by Bolshevism in Germany. The Peace Treaty and Bolshevism are two heads of one monster. We must decapitate both.<br>..<br>'''In my scheme of the German state, there will be no room for the alien, no use for the wastrel, for the usurer or speculator, or anyone incapable of productive work.'''<br>..<br>'''Socialism is the [[science]] of dealing with the common weal. [[Communism]] is not Socialism. [[Marxism]] is not Socialism.''' The Marxians have stolen the term and confused its meaning. I shall take Socialism away from the Socialists. Socialism is an ancient Aryan, Germanic institution. Our German ancestors held certain lands in common. They cultivated the idea of the common weal. Marxism has no right to disguise itself as socialism. Socialism, unlike Marxism, does not repudiate [[private property]]. Unlike Marxism, it involves no negation of [[personality]], and unlike Marxism, it is [[Patriotism|patriotic]]. We might have called ourselves the Liberal Party. We chose to call ourselves the National Socialists. We are not [[Internationalism|internationalists]]. Our socialism is national.''' We demand the fulfilment of the just claims of the productive classes by the state on the basis of race solidarity. To us state and race are one.''' **[https://www.theguardian.com/theguardian/2007/sep/17/greatinterviews1 Interview with George Sylvester Viereck, 1923] *''Wenn deine Mutter alt geworden,<br>und älter du geworden bist,<br>wenn ihr, was früher leicht und mühlos,<br>nunmehr zur Last geworden ist,<br>wenn ihre lieben, treuen Augen,<br>nicht mehr wie einst ins Leben seh'n,<br>wenn ihre Füße, kraftgebrochen,<br>sie nicht mehr tragen woll'n mein Geh'n,<br>dann reich ihr deinen Arm zur Stütze,<br>geleite sie mit froher Lust,<br>die Stunde kommt, da du sie weinend<br>zum letzten Gang begleiten musst.<br>Und fragt sie dich, so gib ihr Antwort,<br>und fragt sie wieder, - sprich auch du,<br>und fragt sie nochmals, - steh' ihr Rede,<br>nicht ungestüm, in sanfter Ruh!<br>Und kann sie dich nicht recht verstehen,<br>erklär ihr alles frohbewegt,<br>die Stunde kommt, die bitt're Stunde,<br>da dich ihr Mund nach nichts mehr frägt.<br>'' **When your mother has grown old<br>and with her so have you,<br>When that which once came easy<br>has at last become a burden,<br>When her loving, true eyes<br>no longer see life as once they did<br>When her weary feet<br>no longer want to wear her as she stands,<br>then reach an arm to her shoulder,<br>escort her gently, with happiness and passion<br>The hour will come, when you, crying,<br>must take her on her final walk.<br>And if she asks you, then give her an answer<br>And if she asks you again, listen!<br>And if she asks you again, take in her words<br>not impetuously, but gently and in peace!<br>And if she cannot quite understand you,<br>explain all to her gladly<br>For the hour will come, the bitter hour<br>when her mouth will ask for nothing more.<br> ** Adolf Hitler, "Denk' es!" (Be Reminded!) 1923, first published in ''Sonntag-Morgenpost'' (14 May 1933). ===1924=== * I alone bear the [[responsibility]]. But I am not a [[Crime|criminal]] because of that. If today I stand here as a revolutionary, it is as a revolutionary against the [[revolution]]. There is no such thing as [[w:High treason|high treason]] against the [[Treason|traitors]] of 1918. ** [https://worldhistoryproject.org/1924/2/26/adolf-hitler-goes-on-trial-for-treason At his trial], 24 February 1924 ===1926=== * If the National Socialist Movement should fail to understand the fundamental importance of this essential principle [race], if it should merely varnish the external appearance of the present State and adopt the majority principle, it would really do nothing more than compete with Marxism on its own ground. ** ''Mein Kampf'', Volume 2, Chapter IV, "Personality and the Ideal of the People's State," Trans. Marco Roberto, MVR, 2015, p. 33, first published 1926 *[I]t is absolutely wrong to infer any ideal sense of [[sacrifice]] in the Jews from the fact that they stand together in struggle, or, better expressed, in the plundering of their fellow men. **''Mein Kampf'', as quoted in [https://www.google.com/books/edition/Anthropology_as_Ethics/OLnD7DXOHq4C?hl=en&gbpv=1&dq=%22absolutely+wrong+to+infer+any+ideal+sense+of+sacrifice+in+the+Jews+from+the+fact+that+they+stand+together+in+struggle,+or,+better+expressed,+in+the+plundering+of+their+fellow+men.%22&pg=PA320&printsec=frontcover ''Anthropology as Ethics: Nondualism and the Conduct of Sacrifice''] (2009), by T. M. S. Evens, p. 320 *As long as the Jew has not succeeded in mastering other peoples he is forced to speak their language whether he likes it or not. But the moment that the world would become the slave of the Jew it would have to learn some other language so that by this means the Jew could dominate all the more easily. **''Mein Kampf'', Chapter "Nation and Race" *How much the whole existence of this people is based on a permanent falsehood is proved in a unique way by ''[[The Protocols of the Meetings of the Learned Elders of Zion|The Protocols of the Elders of Zion]]'', which are so violently repudiated by the Jews. With groans and moans, the Frankfurter Zeitung repeats again and again that these are forgeries. This alone is evidence in favour of their authenticity. What many Jews unconsciously wish to do is here clearly set forth. It is not necessary to ask out of what Jewish brain these revelations sprang; but what is of vital interest is that they disclose, with an almost terrifying precision, the mentality and methods of action characteristic of the Jewish people and these writings expound in all their various directions the final aims towards which the Jews are striving. The study of real happenings, however, is the best way of judging the authenticity of those documents. If the historical developments which have taken place within the last few centuries be studied in the light of this book we shall understand why the Jewish Press incessantly repudiates and denounces it. For the Jewish peril will be stamped out the moment the general public come into possession of that book and understand it. **''Mein Kampf'', Chapter "Nation and Race" ===1928=== *I believe that I have enough energy to lead our people whither it must shed its blood [''zum blutigen Einsatz''], not for an adjustment of its boundaries, but to save it into the most distant future by securing so much land and space that the future will receive back many times the blood shed. **Speech (23 May 1928), quoted in Gerhard L. Weinberg, 'The world through Hitler's eyes', in ''Germany, Hitler, and World War II: Essays in Modern German and World History'' (Cambridge University Press, 1996), p. 51 ====''[[w:Zweites Buch|Zweites Buch]]'' (1928)==== :<small>[https://archive.org/details/ZweitesBuch-AdolfHitlersSecretBook Online at the Internet Archive]</small> * The National Socialist Movement, on the contrary, will always let its foreign policy be determined by the necessity to secure the space necessary to the life of our Folk. It knows no Germanising or Teutonising, as in the case of the national bourgeoisie, but only the spread of its own Folk. It will never see in the subjugated, so called Germanised, Czechs or Poles a national, let alone Folkish, strengthening, but only the racial weakening of our Folk. *We reject the political aims of the [[Business magnate|industrialists]]. **Speech at the May 1927 NSDAP provincial congress in Stuttgart. Dietrich Orlow, ''The Nazi Party 1919-1945: A Complete History'', Enigma Books (2010) p. 61 * The Folkish State, conversely, must under no conditions annex [[Poland|Poles]] with the intention of wanting to make Germans out of them some day. On the contrary, it must muster the determination either to seal off these alien racial elements, so that the blood of its own Folk will not be corrupted again, or it must without further ado remove them and hand over the vacated territory to its own National Comrades. * Jewry is a Folk with a racial core that is not wholly unitary. Nevertheless, as a Folk, it has special intrinsic characteristics which separate it from all other Folks living on the globe. Jewry is not a religious community, but the religious bond between Jews; rather is in reality the momentary governmental system of the Jewish Folk. The Jew has never had a territorially bounded State of his own in the manner of Aryan States. Nevertheless, his religious community is a real State, since it guarantees the preservation, the increase and the future of the Jewish Folk. But this is solely the task of the State. That the Jewish State is subject to no territorial limitation, as is the case with Aryan States, is connected with the character of the Jewish Folk, which is lacking in the productive forces for the construction and preservation of its own territorial State. * Because of the lack of productive capacities of its own, the Jewish Folk cannot carry out the construction of a State, viewed in a territorial sense, but as a support of its own existence it needs the work and creative activities of other nations. Thus the existence of the Jew himself becomes a parasitical one within the lives of other Folks. Hence the ultimate goal of the Jewish struggle for existence is the enslavement of productively active Folks. In order to achieve this goal, which in reality has represented Jewry's struggle for existence at all times, the Jew makes use of all weapons that are in keeping with the whole complex of his character. Therefore in domestic politics within the individual nations he fights first for equal rights and later for superior rights. The characteristics of cunning, intelligence, astuteness, knavery, dissimulation, and so on, rooted in the character of his Folkdom, serve him as weapons thereto. They are as much stratagems in his war of survival as those of other Folks in combat. In foreign policy, he tries to bring nations into a state of unrest, to divert them from their true interests, and to plunge them into reciprocal wars, and in this way gradually rise to mastery over them with the help of the power of money and propaganda. His ultimate goal is the denationalisation, the promiscuous bastardisation of other Folks, the lowering of the racial levy of the highest Folks, as well as the domination of this racial mishmash through the extirpation of the Folkish intelligentsia and its replacement by the members of his own Folk. * Politics is history in the making. * Zu einer solchen weisen Maßnahme waren einst '''Spart[j]aken''' [sie] fähig, aber nicht unser heutiges, verlogen sentimentales, bürgerlich-patriotisches Zeug. Die Herrschaft der 6000 '''Spartaner''' über 3 1/2 Hunderttausend Heloten war nur denkbar infolge des rassischen Hochwertes der Spartaner. Dieser aber war das Ergebnis einer planmäßigen Rasseerhaltung, so daß wir im spartanischen Staat den ersten völkischen zu sehen haben. Die Aussetzung '''kranker, schwächlicher, mißgestalteter Kinder''', d. h. also deren Vernichtung, war menschenwürdiger und in Wirklichkeit tausendmal humaner als der erbärmliche Irrsinn unserer heutigen Zeit, die krankhaftesten Subjekte zu erhalten, und zwar um jeden Preis zu erhalten, und hunderttausend gesunden Kindern infolge der Geburtenbeschränkung oder durch Abtreibungsmittel das Leben zu nehmen, in der Folgezeit aber ein Geschlecht von mit Krankheiten '''belasteten Degeneraten heranzuzüchten'''. [https://books.google.com/books?id=bBgfAAAAMAAJ&dq=Zu+einer+solchen+weisen+Ma%C3%9Fnahme+waren+einst&focus=searchwithinvolume&q=%22f%C3%A4hig%2C+aber+nicht+unser+heutiges%2C+verlogen+sentimentales%22+] *At one time the Spartans were capable of such a wise measure, but not our present, mendaciously [[Feelings|sentimental]], bourgeois patriotic nonsense. The rule of six thousand Spartans over three hundred and fifty thousand [[w:Helots|Helots]] was only thinkable in consequence of the high racial value of the Spartans. But this was the result of a systematic race preservation; thus [[w:Sparta|Sparta]] must be regarded as the first Völkisch State. The exposure of [[sick]], weak, deformed children, in short their destruction, was more decent and in truth a thousand times more humane than the wretched insanity of our day which preserves the most pathological subject, and indeed at any price, and yet takes the life of a hundred thousand healthy children in consequence of [[birth control]] or through [[abortions]], in order subsequently to breed a race of degenerates burdened with illnesses. ** As translated in ''Hitler's Secret Book'' (1961) Grove Press edition, pp. 8-9, 17-18 ===1930=== * What right do these people have to demand a share of property or even in [[Management|administration]]?... The employer who accepts the responsibility for production also gives the workpeople their means of livelihood. Our greatest industrialists are not concerned with the acquisition of wealth or with good living, but, above all else, with responsibility and power. '''They have worked their way to the top by their own abilities, and this proof of their capacity – a capacity only displayed by a higher race – gives them the right to lead.''' ** Adolf Hitler to Max Amann, May 1930 quotes in [https://books.google.com/books?id=CkdZBwAAQBAJ&pg=PA127&lpg=PA127&dq=have+worked+their+way+to+the+top+by+their+own+abilities,+and+this+proof+of+their+capacity+%E2%80%93+a+capacity+only+displayed+by+a+higher+race+%E2%80%93+gives+them+the+right+to&source=bl&ots=RlP4mOW504&sig=lyFV37iP2WvQC-6al732ME_lNlo&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwjYi--M4aLVAhWLNT4KHS9xAW8Q6AEIKTAB#v=snippet&q=amann&f=false A History of National Socialism (Responding to Fascism Vol 2)] ===1931=== * To put it quite clearly: we have an economic programme. Point No. 13 in that programme demands the [[Nationalization|nationalisation]] of all public [[companies]], in other words socialisation, or what is known here as [[Right-wing socialism|socialism]]. ... the basic principle of my Party's economic programme should be made perfectly clear and that is the principle of authority... the good of the community takes priority over that of the individual. But the State should retain control; every owner should feel himself to be an agent of the State; it is his duty not to misuse his possessions to the detriment of the State or the interests of his fellow countrymen. That is the overriding point. '''The Third Reich will always retain the right to control property owners. If you say that the bourgeoisie is tearing its hair over the question of [[private property]], that does not affect me in the least. Does the bourgeoisie expect some consideration from me?... Today's bourgeoisie is rotten to the core;''' it has no ideals any more; all it wants to do is earn money and so it does me what damage it can. The bourgeois press does me damage too and would like to consign me and my movement to the devil.<br>..<br>I will tolerate no [[opposition]]. We recognize only subordination – [[authority]] downwards and responsibility upwards. '''You just tell the German [[bourgeoisie]] that I shall be finished with them far quicker than I shall with Marxism... When once the [[Conservatism|conservative]] forces in Germany realize that only I and my party can win the German [[Working class|proletariat]] over to the State and that no parliamentary games can be played with Marxist parties, then Germany will be saved for all time, then we can found a German Peoples State.'''<br>..<br>Over the last forty years the German bourgeoisie has been a lamentable failure; it has not given the German people a single leader; it will have to bow without gainsaying to the totality of my ideology... The bourgeoisie rules by intrigue, but it can have no foothold in my movement because we accept no Jews or Jewish accomplices into our Party. ** Hitler's interview with [[w:Richard Breiting|Richard Breiting]], 1931, published in Edouard Calic, ed., "First Interview with Hitler,4 May 1931," ''Secret Conversations with Hitler: The Two Newly-Discovered 1931 Interviews'', New York: John Day Co., 1971, pp. 36-37. Also published under the title ''[[w:Unmasked: Two Confidential Interviews with Hitler in 1931 | Unmasked: Two Confidential Interviews with Hitler in 1931]]'' published by Chatto & Windus in 1971 * What matters is to emphasize the fundamental idea in my party's economic program clearly; the idea of authority. I want the authority; I want everyone to keep the property he has acquired for himself according to the principle: ''{{'}}Benefit to the community precedes benefit to the individual.{{'}}'' But the state should retain supervision and each property owner should consider himself appointed by the state. It is his duty not to use his property against the interests of others among his own people. This is the crucial matter. The Third Reich will always retain its right to control the owners of property. ** In 1931, as quoted in [https://books.google.com/books?id=kp3p_sIk8h8C&pg=PA303 ''Nazi Economics: Ideology, Theory, and Policy''] (1990), by Avraham Barkai, pp. 26&ndash;27 ===1932=== *This whole edifice of civilization is in its foundations and in all its stones nothing else than the result of the creative capacity, the [[achievement]], the [[intelligence]], the [[industry]], of [[Individualism|individuals]]: in its greatest triumphs it represents the great crowning achievement of individual God-favored [[Genius|geniuses]], in its average accomplishment the achievement of men of average capacity, and in its sum doubtless the result of the use of human labor-force in order to turn to account the creations of genius and of talent. So it is only natural that when the capable intelligences of a nation, which are always in a [[Minority group|minority]], are regarded only as of the same value as all the rest, then genius, capacity, the value of personality are slowly subjected to the majority and this process is then falsely named the rule of the people. For this is not rule of the people, but in reality the rule of [[stupidity]], of [[mediocrity]], of half-heartedness, of [[cowardice]], of [[weakness]], and of inadequacy.<br>..<br>Thus it must be admitted that in the economic sphere, from the start, in all branches men are not of equal value or of equal importance. And once this is admitted it is madness to say: in the economic sphere there are undoubtedly differences in value, but that is not true in the political sphere. It is absurd to build up economic life on the conceptions of achievement, of the value of personality, and therefore in practice the authority of personality, but in the political sphere to deny the authority of personality and to thrust into this place the law of the greater number — [[democracy]]. **Speech to the Industry Club (21 January 1932) as quoted in ''{{w|The Speeches of Adolf Hitler, April 1922 – August 1939}}'' (1994) by {{w|Norman Hepburn Baynes}}, {{w|Oxford University Press}}, p.787 * ...lift up your hearts and draw new faith from the resurrection of our people... Ultimately we shall live to see the kingdom of freedom, honour and social justice. Long live Germany! ** Speech at the Lustgarten in Berlin, April 4, 1932. As quoted in ''Hitler's Berlin: Abused City'', Thomas Friedrich, Yale University Press, 2012, p. 272. ===1933=== * The November parties have ruined the German [[Peasant|peasantry]] in fourteen years. <br> In fourteen years they have created an army of millions of unemployed. The National Government will, with iron determination and unshakable steadfastness of purpose, put through the following plan: <br> Within four years the German peasant must be rescued from the quagmire into which he has fallen. <br> Within four years [[unemployment]] must be finally overcome. At the same time the conditions necessary for a revival in trade and commerce are provided.<br>..<br>The Marxist parties and their lackeys have had fourteen years to show what they can do. The result is a heap of ruins.<br>..<br>Now, people of Germany, give us four years and then pass judgment upon us. In accordance with [[Paul von Hindenburg|Field Marshal von Hindenburg]]'s command we shall begin now. May God Almighty give our work His blessing, strengthen our purpose, and endow us with wisdom and the trust of our people, for we are fighting not for ourselves but for Germany. ** [http://der-fuehrer.org/reden/english/33-02-01.htm Speech in Berlin], 1 February 1933 * And now Staatsprasident Bolz says that Christianity and the Catholic faith are threatened by us. And to that charge I can answer: In the first place it is Christians and not international atheists who now stand at the head of Germany. I do not merely talk of Christianity, no, I also profess that I will never ally myself with the parties which destroy Christianity. If many wish today to take threatened Christianity under their protection, where, I would ask, was Christianity for them in these fourteen years when they went arm in arm with atheism? No, never and at no time was greater internal damage done to Christianity than in these fourteen years when a party, theoretically Christian, sat with those who denied God in one and the same Government. ** [http://der-fuehrer.org/reden/english/33-02-15.htm Speech in Stuttgart], 15 February 1933 *I am for force, because in force I see strength, and in strength the eternal mother of rights, and in rights the root of life itself. **Speech (11 March 1933), quoted in Martin Gilbert, ''Sir Horace Rumbold: Portrait of a Diplomat, 1869–1941'' (1973), p. 171 and ''The Times'' (22 March 1933), p. 15 *Weighing the sacrifices of [[World War I|the last war]], we want to be true friends of a peace which will at last heal the wounds from which all have suffered. **Speech in Potsdam (21 March 1933), quoted in ''The Times'' (26 September 1939), p. 9 * Late you come, yet you do come!... You should have recognized the beneficial power of criticism when we were in the opposition. Back then, you had not yet been confronted with these words; back then our [[press]] was verboten and verboten and again verboten; our assemblies were banned; we were not allowed to speak, and I was not allowed to speak -- and that went on for years! And now you say criticism is beneficial! **Speech in the Reichstag (23 March 1933) on the passing of the [[w:Enabling Act|Enabling Act of 1933]]. Hitler is responding to Otto Wels, leader of the Social Democrats, who had made a speech in favour of "criticism", i.e. freedom of political opposition.<ref name="Enabling English">http://www.worldfuturefund.org/Reports2013/hitlerenablingact.htm</ref><ref name="Enabling German">https://www.zum.de/psm/ns/hitler11_macht.php</ref> **Hitler opens his response with a quotation from Schiller, "Spät kommt ihr, doch ihr kommt!" * In a most generous and humane manner you, Mr. Field Marshal, plead the cause of those members of the Jewish people who were once compelled, by the requirements of universal military service, to serve in the war. <br> I entirely understand these lofty sentiments, Mr. Field Marshal. But, with the greatest respect, may I point out that members and supporters of my movement, who are Germans, for years were driven from all government positions, without consideration for their wives and children or their war service... Those responsible for this cruelty were the same Jewish [political] parties which today complain when their supporters are denied the right to official positions, with a thousand times more justification, because they are of little use in these positions but can do limitless harm... * In general, the primary aim of this cleansing process is only to restore a certain sound and natural balance, and, secondly, to remove from official positions of national significance those elements to which one cannot entrust Germany's survival or destruction. For it will not be possible to avoid, in the next few years, [the need] to make sure that certain processes which must not be communicated to the rest of the world for reasons of the highest national interest, will indeed remain secret. This can only be guaranteed by the inner homogeneity of the administrative bodies concerned. ** [http://alphahistory.com/nazigermany/hindenburg-and-hitler-on-jewish-war-veterans/ Letter to President Hindenberg], (April 5th 1933) * We want to earn the renewed ascent of the nation by honest means, through our industry, our persistence, our unshakable will! We are not asking of the Almighty, “Lord, make us free!” We want to take an active part, to work, to accept one another as brothers and unite in a common struggle so that one day the hour will come when we can step before the Lord and have the right to ask of Him, “Lord, You can see that we have changed. The German Volk is no longer a Volk of infamy, shame, self-reproach, faintheartedness, and little faith. <br> No, Lord, the German Volk is once again strong in its will, strong in its persistence, strong in bearing any sacrifice. Lord, we will not give You up! Now bless our fight for our freedom and thus our German Volk und Vaterland!” ** [http://der-fuehrer.org/reden/english/33-05-01.htm Speech in Lustgarten, Berlin], 1 May 1933 *No fresh European war is capable of putting something better in the place of unsatisfactory conditions which exist to-day. ... The outbreak of such madness without end would lead to the collapse of existing social order in Europe. ... The German Government are convinced that to-day there can be only one great task, and that it to assure the peace of the world. ... The German Government wish to settle all difficult questions with other Governments by peaceful methods. ... The German people have no thought of invading any country. **Speech in Berlin (17 May 1933), quoted in ''The Times'' (26 September 1939), p. 9 *We do not want a war merely for the purpose of bringing to Germany people who simply do not want to be, or cannot be, Germans. **Broadcast (27 May 1933), quoted in ''The Times'' (26 September 1939), p. 9 * I have sympathy for [[Franklin D. Roosevelt|Mr. Roosevelt]], because he marches straight toward his objectives over [[United States Congress|Congress]], [[Lobbying|lobbies]] and [[bureaucracy]]." Hitler went on to note that he was the sole leader in Europe who expressed "understanding of the methods and motives of President Roosevelt." ** ''The New York Times'' (July 1933), as quoted from: ''Adolf Hitler: The Definitive Biography'' New York, NY, Anchor Books, Doubleday (1992) p. 312n *There is no better guarantee for the peace of the world than the fanatical unity of the German people. **Speech in Kelheim (22 October 1933), quoted in ''The Times'' (26 September 1939), p. 9 *There are Germans and Poles in [[Europe]], and they ought to live together in agreement. The Poles cannot think of Europe without the Germans and the Germans cannot think of Europe without the Poles. **Speech in Berlin (24 October 1933), quoted in ''The Times'' (26 September 1939), p. 9 *When an opponent declares, 'I will not come over to your side, and you will not get me on your side,' I calmly say, 'Your child belongs to me already. A people lives forever. What are you? You will pass on. Your descendants however now stand in the new camp. In a short time they will know nothing else but this new community.' **Statement by Hitler at Elbing, Germany, ''Voelkischer Beobachter'' Berlin edition, (6 November 1933) Vol. V p. 198, and William L. Shirer, ''The Rise of the Third Reich: A History of Nazi Germany'', Simon & Schuster, 2011, p. 249 *I am not crazy enough to want a war. ... The German people have but one wish—to be happy in their own way and to be left in peace. They do not interfere in other people's business, and others should not interfere in theirs. ... When has the German people ever broken its word? **Speech in Berlin (10 November 1933), quoted in ''The Times'' (26 September 1939), p. 9 * The struggle between the people and the hatred amongst them is being nurtured by very specific interested parties. It is a small, rootless, international clique that is turning the people against each other, that does not want them to have [[peace]]. It is the people who are at home both nowhere and everywhere, who do not have anywhere a soil on which they have grown up, but who live in [[Berlin]] today, in [[Brussels]] tomorrow, [[Paris]] the day after that, and then again in [[w:Prague|Prague]] or [[Vienna]] or [[London]], and who feel at home everywhere. [Man in audience shouts 'Jews!'] They are the only ones who can be addressed as international elements, because they conduct their business everywhere, but the people cannot follow them. The people are bounded to their soil, bounded to its fatherland, bounded to the possibilities of life that the state, the nation, offers. ** [http://www.bbc.co.uk/history/worldwars/genocide/hitler_audio.shtml A speech at the Siemens Dynamo Works in Berlin (10 November 1933)] ===1934=== *The National Socialist racial idea and the science underlying it do not lead to the underrating or disparagement of other nations but rather to the recognition of the duty to preserve and maintain the life of our own people. Hence it leads inevitably to a natural respect for the life and character of other peoples. It thus frees foreign political activities from those attempts to subjugate other peoples in order to rule them or to incorporate them as a mere numerical mass in one's own nation by imposing a foreign language upon them. This new idea entails equally great and fanatical devotion to the life and hence to the honour and freedom of one's own people as it does respect for the honour and freedom of others. This idea can therefore provide an essentially better basis to the effort for a true pacification of the world than the sorting of the nations into groups of victors and vanquished, of those with rights and of those subjugated without rights, from mere considerations of strength. **Speech to the Reichstag, January 30, 1934 [Source: 'Hitler's Speeches (The Speeches of Adolf Hitler: April 1922 - August 1939): An English translation of representative passages arranged under subjects and edited by Norman H. Baynes', Oxford University Press, issued under the auspices of the Royal Institute of International Affairs, 1942. Foreign Policy, vol. II, p. 1158. *We do not wish to interfere with the [[rights]] of others, to restrict the lives of other peoples, to oppress or subjugate other people. **Speech in Lippe (14 January 1934), quoted in ''The Times'' (26 September 1939), p. 9 *National Socialism derives from each of the two camps the pure idea that characterizes it, national resolution from bourgeois tradition; '''vital, creative socialism from the teaching of Marxism.''' **Interview by [[w:Hanns Johst|Hanns Johst]] in ''Frankforter Volksblatt'' (January 27, 1934), quoted in David Schoenbaum, ''Hitler's Social Revolution: Class and Status in Nazi Germany, 1933–1939'' (New York: NY, W. W. Norton & Company, 1997), p. 57 * If we want a strong Germany, you must one day be strong, too. If we want a powerful Germany, you, too, must one day be powerful. If we want an honorable Germany, you must one day uphold this honor. If we want order in Germany, you must maintain this order. If we want to once again create a loyal Germany, you yourselves must learn to be loyal. You are the Germany of the future, and thus we want you to be what this Germany of the future must and will be. ** [http://der-fuehrer.org/reden/english/34-05-01.htm Speech at a youth rally in Berlin], 1 May 1934 *'''The hammer will once more become the symbol of the German worker and the sickle the sign of the German peasant,...''' **[http://www.nommeraadio.ee/meedia/pdf/RRS/Adolf%20Hitler%20-%20Collection%20of%20Speeches%20-%201922-1945.pdf May Day Speech at Tempelhof Air Field, Berlin] (1 May 1934), ''Adolf Hitler: Collection of Speeches 1922-1945'', ReichsMilitariaCom; 1st edition (2016), p. 184 *We have a great aim before us; a mighty work of reform of ourselves and our lives, of our life in common, of our [[Economics|economy]], of our [[culture]]. This work does not disturb the rest of the world. We have enough to do in our own house. **Speech in Gera (17 June 1934), quoted in ''The Times'' (26 September 1939), p. 9 *Mutinies are crushed in accordance with eternal and unchanging iron laws. **Speech in the Reichstag (13 July 1934) on the [[w:Night of the Long Knives|Night of the Long Knives]], quoted in Stephen H. Roberts, ''The House That Hitler Built'' (1945), p. 115 * ''Es wird stets nur ein Teil eines Volkes aus wirklich aktiven Kämpfern bestehen, und von ihnen wird mehr gefordert, als von den Millionen der übrigen Volksgenossen. '''Für sie genügt nicht die blosse Ablegung des Bekenntnisses: «Ich glaube»; sondern der Schwur: «Ich kämpfe!»'' ** It shall always be only a fraction of the people who stand out as truly active fighters, and more is expected from them than from the millions of their fellow countrymen. '''For them, the mere pledge of "I believe" is not enough, but rather the oath: "I fight!"''' *** Speech from the Sixth Nazi Party Congress, Nuremberg (September 8th, 1934) [https://web.archive.org/web/20150605015000/http://campbellmgold.com/archive_esoteric/hitler_closing_speech_triumph_of_the_will.pdf].<br>Video footage of this quotation can be found in the film [[w:Triumph of the Will|Triumph of the Will]] *What a man sacrifices in struggling for his Volk, a woman sacrifices in struggling to preserve this Volk in individual cases. What a man gives in heroic courage on the battlefield, woman gives in eternally patient [[devotion]], in eternally patient [[suffering]] and [[endurance]]. Every child to which she gives birth is a battle which she wages in her Volk's fateful question of to be or not to be. **Speech from the Sixth Nazi Party Congress, Nuremberg (September 8th, 1934), quoted in [https://books.google.com/books?id=a9dVAAAAYAAJ&q=What+a+man+sacrifices+in+struggling+for+his+Volk,+a+woman+sacrifices+in+struggling+to+preserve+this+Volk+in+individual+cases&dq=What+a+man+sacrifices+in+struggling+for+his+Volk,+a+woman+sacrifices+in+struggling+to+preserve+this+Volk+in+individual+cases&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwj8id_w8-TWAhXIRSYKHSn5CV0Q6AEILDAB Hitler: speeches and proclamations, 1932-1945 - Volume 2 - Page 533] ===1935=== *Germany will on her side never break the peace. Germany wishes to be on an honourable footing with the neighbour peoples. **Interview with [[w:George Ward Price|George Ward Price]] of the ''Daily Mail'' (17 January 1935), quoted in Ivone Kirkpatrick, ''The Inner Circle'' (1959), p. 67 *That was not always the case. In 1813 the German Army was prohibited by treaty. Yet I do not recollect that at [[Battle of Waterloo|Waterloo]] [[Arthur Wellesley, 1st Duke of Wellington|Wellington]] said to [[w:Gebhard von Blucher|Blücher]]: "Your army is illegal; kindly leave the field." **Reply to the British Foreign Secretary, [[w:John Simon, 1st Viscount Simon|John Simon]], who told Hitler that the British liked to see treaties observed (''c''. 24–27 March 1935), quoted in Ivone Kirkpatrick, ''The Inner Circle'' (1959), p. 68 *'''The Germany of today is a National Socialist State. The [[ideology]] that dominates us is in diametrical contradiction to that of Soviet Russia. National Socialism is a doctrine that has reference exclusively to the German people. Bolshevism lays stress on international mission. We National Socialists believe a man can, in the long run, be happy only among his own people. We are convinced the happiness and achievements of Europe are indissolubly tied up with the continuation of the system of independent and free [[w:Nation-state|national States]]. Bolshevism preaches the establishment of a world empire and recognizes only section of a central international.''' We National Socialists grant each people the right to its own inner life according to its needs and its own nature. Bolshevism, on the other hand, establishes doctrinal theories that are to be accepted by all peoples, regardless of their particular essence, their special nature, [[Tradition|traditions]], etc. National Socialism speaks up for the solution of social problems, issues and tensions in their own nation, with methods that are consistent with our common human, spiritual, cultural and economic beliefs, traditions and conditions. Bolshevism preaches the international class struggle, the international world revolution with the weapons of the terror and the violence. National Socialism fights for the reconciliation and consequent adjustment of the differences in life and the union of all for common benefits. Bolshevism teaches the overcoming of an alleged class rule by the dictatorship of the power of a different class. National Socialism does not attach importance to a only theoretical rule of the working class, but especially on the practical improvement of their living conditions and standard of living. Bolshevism fights for a theory and, for it, sacrifices millions of people, immense values of traditional culture and traditions, and achieves, compared with us, only a very low standard of living for all. '''As National Socialists, our hearts are full with admiration and respect for the great achievements of the past, not only in our own people but also far beyond. We are happy to belong to an European cultural community that has so tremendously embossed today's world with a stamp of its mind. Bolshevism rejects this cultural achievement of mankind, claiming that has found the beginning of the real cultural and human history in the year of birth of Marxism.''' We, National Socialists, do not want to be of the same opinion as our church organizations in this or that organizational question. But we never want a lack of belief in religion or any faith, and do not wish that our [[Church|churches]] become club-houses or [[Film|cinemas]]. Bolshevism teaches the godlessness and acts accordingly. '''We National Socialists see in private property a higher level of human economic development that according to the differences in performance controls the management of what has been accomplished enabling and guaranteeing the advantage of a higher standard of living for everyone. Bolshevism destroys not only private property but also private initiative and the readiness to shoulder responsibility.''' It has not been able to save millions of human beings from [[starvation]] in Russia, the greatest Agrarian State in the world. It would be unthinkable to transfer such a catastrophe into Germany, because, at the end of the day, in Russia there are 10 city dwellers for every 90 country dwellers, but in Germany for only 25 farmers there are 75 city dwellers. National Socialists and Bolshevists both are convinced they are a world apart from each other and their differences can never be bridged. Apart from that, there were thousands of our people slain and maimed in the fight against Bolshevism. '''If Russia likes Bolshevism it is not our affair, but if Bolshevism casts its nets over to Germany, then we will fight it tooth and nail.''' **Speech made at the Reichstag (21 May 1935) Found in ''[https://books.google.com/books?id=r_-htwAACAAJ&dq=hitler+may+21+1935+speech&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwir0MTAmInWAhXPaCYKHaFIB2UQ6AEIJjAA Translation of Herr Hitler's Speech to the German Reichstag on May 21, 1935]'' Foreign Office Press. [https://archive.org/stream/RedeDesFhrersUndReichskanzlersAdolfHitlerVorDemReichstagAm21.Mai/MicrosoftWord-Ah19350521#page/n11/mode/2up German version]. Published in the [https://www.newspapers.com/newspage/499099390/ Windsor Star] and [https://www.newspapers.com/newspage/419582432/ The Gazette] in May 22, 1935. *Germany has nothing to win in any European war. What we want is [[freedom]] and independence. Because of this desire we were ready to conclude pacts of non-aggression with all our neighbours. **Speech in the Reichstag (21 May 1935), quoted in ''The Times'' (22 May 1935), p. 18 *Germany neither intends nor wishes to interfere in the internal affairs of [[Austria]], to annex Austria, or to conclude an [[w:Anschluss|Anschluss]]. **Speech in the Reichstag (21 May 1935), quoted in ''The Times'' (26 September 1939), p. 9 * Why do we call the whole world's attention to the fact that we have no past? It isn't enough that the Romans were erecting great buildings when our forefathers were still living in mud huts; now [[Heinrich Himmler|Himmler]] is starting to dig up these villages of mud huts and enthusing over every potsherd and stone [[axe]] he finds. All we prove by that is that we were still throwing stone hatchets and crouching around open fires when [[Greece]] and Rome had already reached the highest stage of [[culture]]. We really should do our best to keep quiet about this past. Instead Himmler makes a great fuss about it all. The present-day Romans must be having a laugh at these revelations. ** Expounding his view on Himmler's heritage projects, formally pursued by the [[w:Ahnenerbe|Ahnenerbe]] movement launched in July 1935, as quoted in ''Inside the Third Reich: Memoirs by Albert Speer'', translated by Richard Winston and Clara Winston (New York: Macmillan, 1970), pp. 94-95 * Today women’s battalions were being formed in Marxist countries, and to that one could only reply, “That will never happen here! There are things a man does, and he alone is responsible for them. I would be ashamed to be a German man if ever, in the event of war, but a single woman were made to go to the front.” The woman had her own battlefield. With every child to which she gave birth for the nation, she was waging her battle for the nation. The man stands up for the Volk just as woman stands up for the family. A woman’s equal rights lie in the fact that she is treated with the high regard she deserves in those areas of life assigned to her by nature. ** [http://der-fuehrer.org/reden/english/35-09-13.htm Address to the German women in Nuremberg], 13 September 1935 * We want this people to be faithful, and you must learn [[fidelity]]. We want this people to be obedient, and you must practice [[obedience]]. We want this people to be peace-loving but also courageous, and you must therefore be peace-loving and at the same time courageous. We do not want this people to grow soft, but we want it to be hard so that it will be able to withstand the hardships of life. And for this you have to harden yourselves in your youth. You must learn to be hard, to stand privations without breaking down. We want this people to love honor and you already in the days of your youth must live up to this concept of honor. ** Speech (14 September 1935), quoted in Gordon W. Prange (1945). ''Hitler's Words''. New York: American Council on Public Affairs, p. 124. *We have undertaken to give the German people an [[education]] that begins already in youth and will never come to an end. It starts with the [[Children|child]] and will end with the 'old fighter'. Nobody will be able to say that he has a time in which he is left entirely alone to himself. ** Nuremberg Party Rally (14 Sept. 1935) Quoted in ''Hitler: Speeches and Proclamations, 1931-1945, Chronicle of a Dictatorship'', Max Domarus (ed.), Vol. 2, London, p. 701. *Germany is the bulwark of the [[w:Western world|West]] against Bolshevism, and, in combating it, will meet [[Terrorism|terror]] with terror and [[violence]] with violence. **Speech in Berlin (29 November 1935), quoted in ''The Times'' (26 September 1939), p. 9 ==== From the film ''[[Triumph of the Will]]'' (1935) ==== [[File:Bundesarchiv Bild 102-04051A, Reichsparteitag, Rede Adolf Hitlers.jpg|thumb|This order was not given to us by an earthly superior. It was given to us by God who created our people.]] * It is our will that this state shall endure for a thousand years. We are happy to know that the future is ours entirely! * We want this people to be hard, not soft, and you must steel yourselves for it in your youth! * We want a society with neither castes nor ranks and you must not allow these ideas to grow within you! * Our party remains as firm as this rock and will not be divided by any force in Germany. * When our party had only seven men, it already had two principles. First, it wanted to be a party with a true ideology. And second, it wanted to be the one and only power in Germany. * All upright Germans will be National Socialists, but only the best National Socialists will be party members! * It is not the state which commands us, but we who command the state. ** from minute 56:45 on * Nothing will come from nothing if it is not grounded on a greater order. This order was not given to us by an earthly superior. It was given to us by God who created our people. ** from minute 58:54 on ===1936=== *We want to be a peace-loving element among the nations. We cannot repeat that often enough. **Speech in Berlin (30 January 1936), quoted in ''The Times'' (26 September 1939), p. 9 *The German people do not wish to continue waging war to readjust frontiers. Each readjustment is bought by sacrifices out of proportion to what is to be gained. **Speech in Berlin (15 March 1936), quoted in ''The Times'' (26 September 1939), p. 10 *I have been guided always by the principle that German freedom has nothing to do with injury to others. ... It is one of the most elementary principles that nations should allow each other to live within their own territories as they wish to live. **Speech in Berlin (22 March 1936), quoted in ''The Times'' (26 September 1939), p. 10 * Whenever I stand up for the German peasant, it is for the sake of the Volk. '''I have neither ancestral estate nor manor... I believe I am the only statesman in the world who does not have a bank account. I hold no stock, I have no shares in any companies. I do not draw any dividends.''' **Speech to the Krupp Locomotive factory workers in Essen (27 March 1936), quoted in [[w:Michael Burleigh|Michael Burleigh]], ''The Third Reich: A New History'' (Hill and Wang), 2001, p. 246 *Germany has no claims to make against the European nations except to live exactly like the others. ... What we have in mind is a legal order of European national states with equal rights. **Speech in Cologne (28 March 1936), quoted in ''The Times'' (26 September 1939), p. 10 *The lie goes forth again that Germany to-morrow or the other day will fall upon Austria or Czecho-Slovakia. **Speech in Berlin (1 May 1936), quoted in ''The Times'' (26 September 1939), p. 10 *The menace was Bolshevism. It was difficult to make people realize this, they think it is a fanatical obsession, but it was a real danger of which people should take account. It was as great a phenomenon in history and its menace to the national states of Europe as great as the migration of peoples, e.g. [[Muslim|Mohammedan]]. It was necessary for [[w:Western Europe|Western Europe]] to stand together as a block against this danger. **Remarks to [[David Lloyd George]] (4 September 1936), quoted in Thomas Jones, ''A Diary with Letters. 1931-1950'' (Oxford University Press, 1954), p. 245 * '''I only acknowledge one [[nobility]]—that of [[Work|labour]].''' ** Quoted in the Nazi Party official newspaper ''[[w:Völkischer Beobachter|Völkischer Beobachter]]'' (November 21, 1936), [[w: Richard Grunberger | Richard Grunberger]], ''The 12-year Reich: A Social History of Nazi Germany 1933–1945'' (1971) p. 47 ===1937=== * The main plank in the National Socialist program is to '''abolish the [[Liberalism|liberalistic]] concept of the [[Individuality|individual]]''' and the Marxist concept of [[humanity]] and to substitute therefore the folk community, rooted in the soil and bound together by the bond of its common blood. ** ''[http://research.calvin.edu/german-propaganda-archive/hitler1.htm On National Socialism and World Relations]'', speech in the German Reichstag (January 30, 1937). German translation published by H. Müller & Sohn in Berlin. * '''Is there a nobler or more excellent kind of Socialism and is there a truer form of Democracy than this National Socialism''' which is so organized that through it each one among the millions of German boys is given the possibility of finding his way to the highest office in the nation, should it please Providence to come to his aid. ** Speech by Adolf Hitler, ''[http://research.calvin.edu/german-propaganda-archive/hitler1.htm On National Socialism and World Relations]'', delivered in the German Reichstag (January 30, 1937). German translation published by H. Müller & Sohn in Berlin. * And numerous people whose families belong to the peasantry and working classes are now filling prominent positions in this National Socialist State. Some of them actually hold the highest offices in the [[leadership]] of the nation, as Cabinet Ministers, ''[[w:Reichsstatthalter|Reichsstatthalter]]'' and ''[[w:Gauleiter|Gauleiter]]''. But '''National Socialism always bears in mind the interests of the people as a whole and not the interests of one class or another.''' The National Socialist Revolution has not aimed at turning a privileged class into a class which will have no rights in the future. Its aim has been to '''grant [[Human rights|equal rights]] to those social strata that hitherto were denied such rights.''' ** Speech by Adolf Hitler, ''[http://research.calvin.edu/german-propaganda-archive/hitler1.htm On National Socialism and World Relations]'', delivered in the German Reichstag (January 30, 1937). German translation published by H. Müller & Sohn in Berlin. * After four years from that date I now face the German people and you, gentlemen and members of the Reichstag, to give an account of what has been accomplished. On this occasion I do not think you will withhold your sanction from what the National Socialist Government has done and you will agree that I have fulfilled the promises I made four years ago. ** [http://der-fuehrer.org/reden/english/37-01-30.htm Speech to the Reichstag], 30 January 1937 * There can be but one German Youth Movement, because there is but one way in which German youth can be educated and trained... This Reich stands, and is building itself up anew, upon its youth. And this Reich will hand over its youth to no one, but will take its education and its formation upon itself. **Speech on May 1, 1937, quoted in [[w:John S. Conway (historian)|John S. Conway]], ''The Nazi Persecution of the Churches, 1933-45'' (New York, NY, Basic Books, 1968), p. 178 *We have set before ourselves the task of inoculating our youth ... at a very early age. ... This new Reich will give its youth to no one, but will itself take youth and give to youth its own education and its own upbringing. ** As quoted in ''The Rise and Fall of the Third Reich: A History of Nazi Germany,'' [[w:William L. Shirer | William L. Shirer]], Simon & Schuster Paperbacks, New York, 1990, p. 249 (May 1, 1937) * There is a difference between the theoretical knowledge of socialism and the practical life of socialism. People are not born socialists, but must first be taught how to become them. ** "German Volksgenossen!" Hitler's opening speech at the new Winterhilfswerk, Deutschlandhalle, Berlin (October 5, 1937). Also quoted in ''{{w|The Third Reich: A New History}}'' by {{w|Michael Burleigh}} [https://books.google.com/books?id=l5gcZpnL5QUC&pg=PA224] *Shoot [[Mahatma Gandhi|Gandhi]], and if that does not suffice to reduce them to submission, shoot a dozen leading members of [[w:Indian National Congress|Congress]]; and if that does not suffice, shoot 200 and so on until order is established. You will see how quickly they will collapse as soon as you make it clear that you mean business. **Remarks to British government minister [[Edward Wood, 1st Earl of Halifax|Lord Halifax]] at Berchtesgaden (19 November 1937), quoted in Ivone Kirkpatrick, ''The Inner Circle'' (1959), p. 97 and Andrew Roberts, '''The Holy Fox': The Life of Lord Halifax'' (1997), p. 72 ===1938=== *There are more than ten million Germans in two states, and in the Great War they fought side by side with German soldiers. Against their will they have been prevented from union with the Reich. Political separation, however, does not justify the disregard of national self-determination. Just as Britain stands up for her interests all over the globe, so Germany will know how to guard her more restricted interests. To these interests of the German Reich belongs the protection of those German peoples along our frontiers who are not in a position to secure their general human, political, and ''Weltanschauliche'' freedom by their own efforts. **Speech in the Reichstag (20 February 1938), quoted in Stephen H. Roberts, ''The House That Hitler Built'' (1945), p. 375 * The German people is no warlike nation. It is a soldierly one which means it does not want a war but does not fear it. It loves peace, but it also loves its honor and freedom. <br> The new Reich shall belong to no class, no profession, but to the German people. It shall help the people find an easier road in this world. It shall help them in making their lot a happier one. Party, state, armed forces, economics are institutions and functions which can only be estimated as a means toward an end. They will be judged by history according to the services they render toward this goal. Their purpose, however, is to serve the people. <br> I now pray to God that he will bless in the years to come our work, our deeds, our foresight, our resolve; that the almighty may protect us from both arrogance and cowardly servility, that he may help us find the right way which he has laid down for the German people and that he may always give us courage to do the right thing and never to falter or weaken before any power or any danger. <br> Long live Germany and the German people! ** [https://www.historycentral.com/HistoricalDocuments/Hitler'sSpeech.html Speech to the Reichstag], 20 February 1938 *Does anyone believe that there is an international [[conscience]]? **Speech in Leipzig (27 March 1938), quoted in Stephen H. Roberts, ''The House That Hitler Built'' (1945), p. 383 *[[Mustafa Kemal Atatürk|Atatürk]] was the first to show that it is possible to mobilize and regenerate the resources that a country has lost. In this respect Atatürk was a teacher; [[Benito Mussolini|Mussolini]] was his first and I his second student. **Meeting with a delegation of Turkish politicians and journalists (20 April 1938), quoted in Stefan Ihrig, [https://www.docdroid.net/xaZwuc0/stefan-ihrig-ataturk-in-the-nazi-imagination-pdf#page=125 ''Atatürk in the Nazi Imagination'' (2014), p. 116] *The motto must be, "Never war again." **Speech in Berlin (1 May 1938), quoted in ''The Times'' (26 September 1939), p. 10 *We are not interested in suppressing other nations. We do not want to see other nations among us. We want to live our own life. ... Germany and Poland are two nations, and these nations will live, and neither of them will be able to do away with the other. ... We have assured all our immediate neighbours of the integrity of their territory as far as Germany is concerned. That is no hollow phrase: it is our sacred will. ... The Sudetenland is the last territorial claim which I have to make in Europe. ... I have assured [[Neville Chamberlain|Mr. Chamberlain]], and I emphasize it now, that when this problem is solved Germany has no more territorial problems in Europe. **Speech in Berlin (26 September 1938), quoted in ''The Times'' (26 September 1939), p. 10 *Now, as a strong State, we can be ready to pursue a policy of understanding with surrounding States. We want nothing from them. We have no wishes or demands; we desire peace. ... No other people can need peace more than we. **Speech in Saarbrücken (9 October 1938), quoted in ''The Times'' (26 September 1939), p. 10 * God helps only those who are prepared and determined to help themselves. ** [http://der-fuehrer.org/reden/english/38-11-06.htm Speech in Weimar], 6 November 1938 *As a peace-loving man, I have made every effort to give the German nation the defence and the weapons which are appropriate to persuade others also for peace. A hedgehog never attacks another animal except when it is attacked. No one should come near us. We want only our quiet and the right to live. **Speech in Weimar (6 November 1938), quoted in ''The Times'' (26 September 1939), p. 10 *'Socialist' I define from the word 'social; meaning in the main 'social equity'. A Socialist is one who serves the common good without giving up his individuality or personality or the product of his personal efficiency. '''Our adopted term 'Socialist' has nothing to do with Marxian Socialism. Marxism is anti-property; true socialism is not.''' Marxism places no value on the individual, or individual effort, of efficiency; true Socialism values the individual and encourages him in individual efficiency, at the same time holding that his interests as an individual must be in consonance with those of the community. All great [[Invention|inventions]], discoveries, achievements were first the product of an individual [[brain]]. It is charged against me that I am against property, that I am an atheist. Both charges are false. **Speech given on December 28, 1938, quoted in [https://books.google.com/books?id=PxZoAAAAMAAJ&q=Our+adopted+term+%27Socialist%27+has+nothing+to+do+with+Marxian+Socialism.+Marxism+is+anti-property;+true+Socialism+is+not.&dq=Our+adopted+term+%27Socialist%27+has+nothing+to+do+with+Marxian+Socialism.+Marxism+is+anti-property;+true+Socialism+is+not.&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwjP_pa_xcLYAhVPRN8KHRk2CKsQ6AEIPjAE The Speeches of Adolf Hitler: April 1922-August 1939 pg. 93] ===1939=== [[File:Bundesarchiv Bild 183-E10402, Berlin, Reichstagssitzung, Rede Adolf Hitler.jpg|thumb|[[w:1 September 1939 Reichstag speech|I am determined]] … to see to it that a [[change]] is made in the relationship between [[Germany]] and [[Poland]] that [[w:Invasion of Poland|shall ensure a peaceful co-existence]]. ]] [[File:Polish victim of German Luftwaffe action 1939.jpg|thumb|I will not war against [[women]] and [[children]]. I have ordered my air force to restrict itself to attacks on [[military]] objectives.]] *We are going to destroy the Jews. They are not going to get away with what they did on 9 November 1918. The day of reckoning has come. **To the Czechoslovakian foreign minister (January 21, 1939) quoted in [https://books.google.com/books?id=K2pVlpLqmPAC&pg=PA130&lpg=PA130&dq=We+are+going+to+destroy+the+Jews.+They+are+not+going+to+get+away+with+what+they+did+on+9+November+1918.&source=bl&ots=z9H6ZVZY0C&sig=iG-hsqk8dUMTrdadIxa3m5cOYsY&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwjBpar5nZbXAhVH7CYKHVq_DOwQ6AEIJzAA#v=onepage&q=We%20are%20going%20to%20destroy%20the%20Jews.%20They%20are%20not%20going%20to%20get%20away%20with%20what%20they%20did%20on%209%20November%201918.&f=false Sarah Ann Gordon, Hitler, Germans, and the "Jewish Question" pg. 130] *When the statesmen of other countries threaten us with all kinds of economic counter measures I can only give the assurance that in such a case a desperate economic struggle would ensue which would be easy for us to carry out, easier for us than for the over-satisfied nations, because our leading idea would be a very simple one: The German nation must live—that means '''export or die'''. **Speech to the Reichstag (30 January 1939), quoted in ''The Times'' (31 January 1939), p. 14 * In the course of my life I have very often been a prophet, and have usually been ridiculed for it. During the time of my struggle for power it was in the first instance only the Jewish race that received my [[Prophecy|prophecies]] with laughter when I said that I would one day take over the leadership of the State, and with it that of the whole nation, and that I would then among other things settle the Jewish problem. Their laughter was uproarious, but I think that for some time now they have been laughing on the other side of their face. Today I will once more be a [[prophet]]: '''if the international Jewish financiers in and outside Europe should succeed in plunging the nations once more into a [[w:World war|world war]], then the result will not be the Bolshevizing of the earth, and thus the victory of Jewry, but the annihilation of the Jewish race in Europe!''' ** Speech to the Reichstag, (30 January 1939), as quoted at [http://www.historyplace.com/worldwar2/timeline/threat.htm The History Place]. *We are [[w:German rearmament|rearming]], but do not dream of attacking other nations, providing they leave us alone. ... We have given Central Europe a great fortune—namely, peace, which is protected by the German might. **Speech in Wilhelmshaven (1 April 1939), quoted in ''The Times'' (26 September 1939), p. 10 *The liberty of the individual ends where it starts to harm the interests of the [[Collectivism|collective]]. **[http://der-fuehrer.org/reden/english/39-05-01.htm Speech] in the Lustgarten, Berlin (1 May 1939) *Everything I undertake is directed against [[Russia]]. If the West is too stupid and [[Blindness|blind]] to grasp this, then I shall be compelled to come to an agreement with Russia, beat the West and then after their [[Failure|defeat]] turn against the [[Soviet Union]] with all my forces. I need the Ukraine so that they can't starve us out, as happened in the last war. **Discussion with Jacob Burckhardt, League of Nation commissioner. Quoted in [https://books.google.com/books?id=1nPPbpXUZA0C&pg=PA126&dq=hitler+is+against+russia+the+west&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwjR3PP6n5bXAhVC6CYKHTKJB3EQ6AEISjAG#v=onepage&q=hitler%20is%20against%20russia%20the%20west&f=false Norman Rich, Hitler's War Aims: Ideology, the Nazi State, and the Course of Expansion pg. 126] * What is important is that our Volk overcomes the aggressor and hence wins a future for itself. In a few weeks, the National Socialist combat readiness must have transformed itself into a unity sworn unto life and death. And then the capitalist war agitators in England and its satellite states shall shortly realize what it means to have attacked Europe's greatest Volk state without proper cause. ** As quoted in ''{{w|Hitler: Speeches and Proclamations}}'' by {{w|Max Domarus}} [https://books.google.com/books?id=5tdVAAAAYAAJ] * [[England]], unlike in 1914, will not allow herself to blunder into a war lasting for years... Such is the fate of rich countries... Not even England has the money nowadays to fight a world war. What should England fight for? You don't get yourself killed for an ally. ** 14 August 1939, ''The Rise and Fall of the Third Reich'' by William L. Shirer *Our [[enemies]] are men below average, not men of action, not masters. They are little worms. I saw them at Munich. **Speech to his generals at the Berghof (22 August 1939), quoted in John W. Wheeler-Bennett, ''The Nemesis of Power: The German Army in Politics 1918-1945'' (London: Macmillan, 1964), p. 447 *To the defense forces: The Polish nation has refused my efforts for a peaceful regulation of neighborly relationsl instead it has appealed to weapons. **reported [https://www.nytimes.com/1939/09/01/archives/hitler-gives-word-in-a-proclamation-he-accuses-warsaw-of-appeal-to.html 1 September 1939] (the full proclamation available [http://timesmachine.nytimes.com/timesmachine/1939/09/01/90734667.html via the TimesMachine]) in ''The New York Times'' "Hitler Gives Word" special cable from [[Otto D. Tolischus]] who was later awarded the Pulitzer prize in 1940 "for his dispatches from Berlin" (referenced in page 28 of 2021 book ''The Gray Lady Winked'') *We know that the English people in their entirety cannot be held responsible for all this. Rather it is the aforesaid Jewish-[[Plutocracy|plutocratic]] and democratic upper class who would like to '''conceive of the rest of the world as obedient [[Slavery|slaves]]; who hate our new Reich because it sees it as a pioneer of social work which it fears might infect their countries as well.''' **Speech, [http://www.nommeraadio.ee/meedia/pdf/RRS/Adolf%20Hitler%20-%20Collection%20of%20Speeches%20-%201922-1945.pdf "Appeal to the German Volk!"] ''Adolf Hitler: Collection of Speeches 1922-1945'' (3 September 1939) p. 621 *What they hate is the Germany which sets a dangerous example for them, this social Germany. It is the Germany of a social labor legislation which they already hated before the World War and which they still hate today. It is the Germany of social welfare, of social equality, of the elimination of class differences—this is what they hate! They hate this Germany which in the course of seven years has labored to afford its [[w:Volksgenossen|Volksgenossen]] a decent life. They hate this Germany which has eliminated unemployment, which, in spite of all their wealth, they have not been able to eliminate. This Germany which grants its laborers decent housing—this is what they hate because they have a feeling their own peoples could be "infected" thereby. They hate this Germany of social legislation, this Germany which celebrates the first of May as the day of honest labor. **[http://www.nommeraadio.ee/meedia/pdf/RRS/Adolf%20Hitler%20-%20Collection%20of%20Speeches%20-%201922-1945.pdf Speech "Party Comrades! My German Volksgenossen!] at the Bürgerbräukeller in Munich (8 November 1939) pp. 664-665 ==== [[w:1 September 1939 Reichstag speech|Reichstag speech declaring war against Poland (1 September 1939)]] ==== [[File:Battle of Poland.png|thumb|Whoever departs from the rules of [[humane]] [[warfare]] can only expect that we shall do the same. I will continue this struggle, [[World War II|no matter against whom]], until the safety of [[w:Nazi Germany|the Reich]] and its rights are secured.]] :<small> Declaration of war against [[Poland]] at the start of the [[w:Invasion of Poland|Invasion of Poland]], and what became [[World War II]] · [https://fcit.usf.edu/holocaust/resource/document/HITLER1.htm Full English translation online] </small> * I am determined to solve (1) the Danzig question; (2) the question of the Corridor; and (3) to see to it that a change is made in the relationship between Germany and Poland that shall ensure a peaceful co-existence. In this I am resolved to continue to fight until either the present Polish government is willing to continue to bring about this change or until another Polish Government is ready to do so. I am resolved to remove from the German frontiers the element of uncertainty, the everlasting atmosphere of conditions resembling civil war. I will see to it that in the East there is, on the frontier, a peace precisely similar to that on our other frontiers. <br /> In this I will take the necessary measures to se that they do not contradict the proposals I have already made known in the Reichstag itself to the rest of the world, that is to say, I will not war against women and children. I have ordered my air force to restrict itself to attacks on military objectives. If, however, the enemy thinks he can form that draw carte blanche on his side to fight by the other methods he will receive an answer that will deprive him of hearing and sight. * This night for the first time Polish regular soldiers fired on our territory. Since 5.45 A.M. we have been returning the fire, and from now on bombs will be met by bombs. Whoever fight with poison gas will be fought with poison gas. Whoever departs from the rules of humane warfare can only expect that we shall do the same. I will continue this struggle, no matter against whom, until the safety of the Reich and its rights are secured. ===1940=== * The [[w:Molotov–Ribbentrop Pact|Non-Aggression and Mutual Assistance Pact]] with the Soviet Union constituted the most outstanding feature of the year now past. From the outset, the attempt of the plutocratic statesmen of the West to pit Germany and Russia against each other was foiled;... '''[T]he reactionary Jewish warmongers in the capitalist democracies were not willing to let this opportunity to destroy Germany pass: too long had they prepared for this.''' For years they had waited for this hour. These Herren warmongers wanted war: they were to get it. **Speech, [http://www.nommeraadio.ee/meedia/pdf/RRS/Adolf%20Hitler%20-%20Collection%20of%20Speeches%20-%201922-1945.pdf "New Year's Proclamation to the National Socialists and Party Comrades"], ''Adolf Hitler: Collection of Speeches 1922-1945'' (1 January 1940) pp. 678-679 *Then the spirits of our fallen comrades shall rise from their graves to thank all those whose courage and loyalty have now once more atoned for the [[Sin|sins]] committed in an hour of weakness against them and against our Volk. Let our avowal of faith on this day be a solemn oath: the war forced upon the [[w:Greater German Reich|Greater German Reich]] by the capitalist rulers of France and England must be transformed into the most glorious victory in German history! **[http://www.nommeraadio.ee/meedia/pdf/RRS/Adolf%20Hitler%20-%20Collection%20of%20Speeches%20-%201922-1945.pdf Speech in the Berlin Zeughaus] (March 10, 1940) p. 699 * The blood of every single Englishman is too valuable to shed. Our two peoples belong together racially and traditionally. That is and always has been my aim, even if our generals can't grasp it. ** Said when the Dunkirk halt order was given, quoted in ''Hitler, Germans, and the "Jewish Question"'' by Sarah Ann Gordon, May 1940 *The National Socialist Movement has, besides its delivery from the Jewish capitalist shackles imposed by a plutocratic-democratic, dwindling class of exploiters at home, pronounced its resolve to free the Reich from the shackles of the Diktat of Versailles abroad. The German demands for a revision were an absolute necessity, a matter of course for the existence and the honor of any great people. [[Posterity]] will some day come to regard them as exceedingly modest.<br>..<br>I was scolded for my peace proposal, even personally insulted. '''[[Neville Chamberlain|Mr. Chamberlain]] virtually spat in my face before the world public and declined to even talk of peace... And it was thus that the big capitalist clique of war profiteers cried for a continuation of the war. And this continuation has now begun.''' **Speech to the Reichstag [http://www.nommeraadio.ee/meedia/pdf/RRS/Adolf%20Hitler%20-%20Collection%20of%20Speeches%20-%201922-1945.pdf "Deputies, Men of the German Reichstag!"] (July 19, 1940) pp. 712-713 * We want to build up a new state! That is why the others hate us so much today. They have often said as much. They said: "Yes, their social experiment is very dangerous! If it takes hold, and our own workers come to see this too, then this will be highly disquieting. It costs billions and does not bring any results. It cannot be expressed in terms of profit, nor of dividends. What is the point?! We are not interested in such a development. We welcome everything which serves the material progress of mankind insofar as this progress translates into economic [[profit]]. But social experiments, all they are doing there, this can only lead to the awakening of greed in the masses. Then we will have to descend from our pedestal. They cannot expect this of us." And we were seen as setting a bad example. Any institution we conceived was rejected, as it served social purposes. They already regarded this as a concession on the way to social legislation and thereby to the type of social development these states loathe. They are, after all, plutocracies in which a tiny clique of capitalists dominate the masses, and this, naturally, in close cooperation with international Jews and [[Freemasonry|Freemasons]]. **[[Wikisource:Adolf Hitler's Address at the Opening of the Winter Relief Campaign (4 September 1940)|Speech at the Berlin Sportpalast on the opening of the Kriegswinterhilfswerk]], September 4, 1940, Adolf Hitler collection of speeches 1922-1945 * After mastering its internal divisions, National Socialist Germany has proceeded step by step to cast off its enslavement.... Nevertheless, the Jewish-internationalist capitalists in connection with socially reactionary classes in the Western States have successfully roused the world democracies against Germany. ** As quoted in ''{{w|The Third Reich: A New History}}'' by {{w|Michael Burleigh}}, p.1909 * After the conquest of England, the British Empire would be apportioned as a gigantic world-wide estate in bankruptcy of forty million square kilometres. In this bankrupt estate there would be for Russia access to the ice-free and really open ocean. Thus far, a minority of forty-five million Englishmen had ruled six hundred million inhabitants of the British Empire. He was about to crush this minority.... Under these circumstances there arose world-wide perspectives.... All the countries which could possibly be interested in the bankrupt estate would have to stop all controversies among themselves and concern themselves exclusively with the partition of the British Empire. This applied to Germany, France, Italy, Russia and Japan. ** To Vyacheslav Molotov, 13 November 1940, quoted in ''The Rise and Fall of the Third Reich'' *After all, there are two worlds which confront each other. And they are right when they say: 'We can never reconcile ourselves to the National Socialist world.' For how could a narrow-minded capitalist possibly declare his agreement with my principles? It would be easier for the devil to go to church and take holy water. **[http://www.nommeraadio.ee/meedia/pdf/RRS/Adolf%20Hitler%20-%20Collection%20of%20Speeches%20-%201922-1945.pdf "Speech To Workers of Berlin," (Rheinmetall-Borsig works)], ''Adolf Hitler: Collection of Speeches 1922-1945'' (December 10, 1940) p. 747 * '''The creation of a socially just state, a model society that would continue to eradicate all social barriers.''' ** Speech to workers at Berlin's Rheinmetall-Borsig factory, Oct. 10, 1940. As quoted in, ''Hitler's Beneficiaries: Plunder, Racial War, and the Nazi Welfare State'', [[w:Götz Aly | Götz Aly]], New York: NY, Metropolitan Books (2007) p. 13. [https://books.google.com/books?id=hOIpGubiiZYC&pg=PA13] * In those countries, it is actually capital that rules; that is, nothing more than a clique of a few hundred men who possess untold wealth and, as a consequence of the peculiar structure of their national life, are more or less independent and free. They say: 'Here we have liberty.' By this they mean, above all, an uncontrolled economy, and by an uncontrolled economy, the freedom not only to acquire capital but to make absolutely free use of it. That means freedom from national control or control by the people both in the acquisition of capital and in its employment. This is really what they mean when they speak of liberty. These capitalists create their own press and then speak of the 'freedom of the press.' In reality, every one of the newspapers has a master, and in every case this master is the capitalist, the owner. This master, not the editor, is the one who directs the policy of the paper. If the editor tries to write other than what suits the master, he is ousted the next day. This press, which is the absolutely submissive and characterless slave of the owners, molds public opinion.<br>..<br>Yes, certainly, we jeopardize the liberty to profiteer at the expense of the community, and, if necessary, we even abolish it.<br>..<br>'''All my life I have been a 'have-not.' At home I was a 'have-not.' I regard myself as belonging to them and have always fought exclusively for them.''' I defended them and, therefore, I stand before the world as their representative. ** Speech to the Workers of Berlin (10 December 1940) ([[Wikisource:Adolf Hitler's Speech to the Workers of Berlin (10 December 1940)|Wikisource]]) * Truly, this earth is a trophy cup for the industrious man. And this rightly so, in the service of natural selection. He who does not possess the force to secure his [[w:Lebensraum|Lebensraum]] in this world, and, if necessary, to enlarge it, does not deserve to possess the necessities of life. He must step aside and allow stronger peoples to pass him by. ** Speech to officer cadets at the [[w:Berlin Sportpalast|Berlin Sportpalast]], 18 December 1940. {{cite book| title = Hitler: Speeches and Proclamations, 1932-1945 (English Volume III: 1939-1940) | last = Domarus |first = Max | authorlink = Max Domarus |publisher = Bolchazy-Carducci Publishers | year = 1997|page=2162 |isbn = 0865166277 }} ====Hitler and I (1940)==== :quotes from unspecified earlier dates per [[w:Otto Strasser|Otto Strasser]], Boston, MA, Houghton Mifflin Company (1940) * '''I am a socialist, and a very different kind of socialist from your rich friend Reventlow.''' I was once an ordinary workingman... But your kind of socialism is nothing but Marxism. **p. 106 * A strong State will see that production is carried on in the national interests, and, if these interests are contravened, can proceed to expropriate the enterprise concerned and take over its administration. **pp. 113-114 ===1941=== *The German world, as well as the [[Italy|Italian]] world, has overcome the age of the privileges of a few plutocratic capitalists and has replaced it with the age of the people. If [[Winston Churchill|Mr. Churchill]] and his appendage now declare that they cannot live in such a world, then they will not destroy the German world as a result, but instead, sooner or later, their own leaders will fall and thus give the people their freedom. In the struggle of plutocratic privilege against the National Socialist people's rights (''Volksrechte''), the latter will succeed! With this belief, we enter the year 1941. **Speech, [http://www.nommeraadio.ee/meedia/pdf/RRS/Adolf%20Hitler%20-%20Collection%20of%20Speeches%20-%201922-1945.pdf "New Year's Proclamation to the National Socialists and Party Comrades"], ''Adolf Hitler: Collection of Speeches 1922-1945'' (January 1, 1941) pp. 763-764 *And justice is on the side of those nations that fight for their threatened existence. And this struggle for existence will spur these nations on to the most tremendous accomplishments in [[w:World history|world history]]. If profit is the driving force for [[production]] in the democracies—a profit that industrialists, bankers, and corrupt politicians pocket—then the driving force in National Socialist Germany and Fascist Italy is the realization by millions of laborers that, in this war, it is they who are being fought against. '''They realize that the democracies, if they should ever win, would rage with the full capitalist [[cruelty]], that cruelty of which only those are capable whose only god is [[gold]], who know no human sentiments other than their obsession with profit, and who are ready to sacrifice all noble thought to this profit instinct without hesitation...''' This struggle is not an attack on the rights of other nations, but on the arrogance and avarice of a narrow capitalist upper class, one which refuses to acknowledge that the days are over when gold ruled the world, and that, by contrast, a future is dawning when the people will be the determining force in the life of a nation. **Speech, [http://www.nommeraadio.ee/meedia/pdf/RRS/Adolf%20Hitler%20-%20Collection%20of%20Speeches%20-%201922-1945.pdf "New Year's Proclamation to the National Socialists and Party Comrades"], ''Adolf Hitler: Collection of Speeches 1922-1945'' (January 1, 1941) pp. 764-765 * Germany's economic policy is conducted exclusively in accordance with the interests of the German people. In this respect '''I am a fanatical socialist, one who has ever in mind the interests of all his people.''' **[https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/Adolf_Hitler%27s_Speech_on_the_21st_Anniversary_of_the_National_Socialist_Party_(24_February_1941) Speech on the 21st Anniversary of the National Socialist Party (24 February 1941)] * I purchase the necessities of life with the productive power of German workmen. The results of our economic policy speak for us, not for the [[Gold standard |gold standard]] people. For we, the poor have abolished unemployment because we no longer pay homage to this madness, because we regard our entire economic existence as a production problem and no longer as a capitalistic problem. We placed the whole organized strength of the nation, the discipline of the entire nation, behind our economic policy. '''We explained to the nation that it was madness to wage internal economic wars between the various classes, in which they all perish together.''' **[https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/Adolf_Hitler%27s_Speech_on_the_21st_Anniversary_of_the_National_Socialist_Party_(24_February_1941) Speech on the "21st Anniversary of the National Socialist Party"] (24 February 1941) * ''' It is already war history how the German Armies defeated the legions of [[W:Themes in Nazi propaganda#Capitalists|capitalism and plutocracy]].''' After forty-five days this campaign in the West was equally and emphatically terminated. **[http://www.jewishvirtuallibrary.org/adolf-hitler-order-of-the-day-calling-for-invasion-of-yugoslovia-and-greece-april-1941 Berlin: Hitler's Order of the Day Calling for Invasion of Yugoslavia and Greece] (April 6, 1941) * What the world did not deem possible the German people have achieved.... It is already war history how the German Armies defeated the legions of capitalism and plutocracy. After forty-five days this campaign in the West was equally and emphatically terminated. ** "Adolf Hitler's Order of the Day Calling for Invasion of Yugoslavia and Greece," Berlin, (April 6, 1941), ''The New York Times'', April 7, 1941 * For over five years this man has been chasing around Europe like a madman in search of something he could set on fire. Unfortunately he again and again finds hirelings who open the gates of their country to this international incendiary. ** speaking about [[Winston Churchill]] at the [[w:Reichstag (Nazi Germany)|Reichstag]], 4 May 1941 [http://humanitas-international.org/showcase/chronography/speeches/1941-05-04.html]. * [[Turkey]] had been our ally in the [[World War I|World War]]. Its unfortunate result was as heavy a burden for Turkey as it was for us. The great and ingenious reconstructor of the new Turkey gave his Allies, beaten by fate, the first example of resurrection. While Turkey, thanks to the realistic attitude of her State leadership, preserved her independent attitude [[Yugoslavia]] fell a victim to [[United Kingdom|British]] intrigues. ** speaking about [[Turkey]] and [[Mustafa Kemal Atatürk]] at the [[w:Reichstag (Nazi Germany)|Reichstag]] [[s:Adolf Hitler's Address to the Reichstag (4 May 1941)|on 4 May 1941]]. * The war against Russia will be such that it cannot be conducted in a knightly fashion. This struggle is one of ideologies and racial differences and will have to be conducted with unprecedented, unmerciful, and unrelenting [[Harsh|harshness]]. All officers will have to rid themselves of obsolete ideologies. I know that the necessity for such means of waging war is beyond the comprehension of you generals but . . . I insist absolutely that my orders be executed without contradiction. ** Speaking about the invasion of Russia [http://mentalfloss.com/article/28033/operation-barbarossa-biggest-military-adventure-history]. * I, on the other hand, have tried for two decades to build a new socialist order in Germany, with a minimum of interference and without harming our productive capacity. ** Hitler's "Barbarossa" Proclamation, (June 22, 1941) [http://research.calvin.edu/german-propaganda-archive/hitler4.htm] *German people, in this very hour a movement of troops is taking place which in its extent and magnitude is the greatest that the world has ever seen. ... The task of this front is no longer the protection of individual countries but the safety of Europe and the salvation of us all. I have therefore decided to-day once again to entrust the fate and the future of the German Reich and of our nation to the hands of our soldiers. May our Lord God aid us in this greatest of all struggles. **Proclamation (22 June 1941), quoted in ''The Times'' (23 June 1941), p. 3 * When National Socialism has ruled long enough, it will no longer be possible to conceive of a form of life different from ours. <br> In the long run, National Socialism and religion will no longer be able to exist together. ** 11-12 July 1941, quoted in ''Hitler's Table Talk, 1941–1944'' * The heaviest blow that ever struck humanity was the coming of Christianity. Bolshevism is Christianity's illegitimate child. Both are inventions of the Jew. The deliberate lie in the matter of religion was introduced into the world by Christianity. Bolshevism practises a lie of the same nature, when it claims to bring liberty to men, whereas in reality it seeks only to enslave them. In the ancient world, the relations between men and gods were founded on an instinctive respect. It was a world enlightened by the idea of tolerance. Christianity was the first creed in the world to exterminate its adversaries in the name of love. Its key-note is intolerance. <br> Without Christianity, we should not have had Islam. The Roman Empire, under Germanic influence, would have developed in the direction of world-domination, and humanity would not have extinguished fifteen centuries of civilisation at a single stroke. <br> Let it not be said that Christianity brought man the life of the soul, for that evolution was in the natural order of things. ** 11-12 July 1941, quoted in ''Hitler's Table Talk, 1941–1944'' * If I had known that the figures for Russian tank strength which you gave in your book were in fact the true ones, I would not—I believe—ever have started this war. ** Said to General Heinz Guderian, 4 August 1941, as quoted ''Panzer Leader'' (1952) by Heinz Guderian *[T]he [[w:Raw materials|raw materials]] and agriculture of the [[Ukraine]] were vitally necessary for the future prosecution of the war. ... [the Crimea is] that Soviet [[w:Aircraft carrier|aircraft carrier]] for attacking the [[Romania|Rumanian]] oilfields. ... My generals know nothing about the economic aspects of war. **Remarks to General Guderian (23 August 1941), quoted in Heinz Guderian, ''Panzer Leader'' (1952), p. 200 * I did not want this struggle. Since January, 1933, when Providence entrusted me with the leadership of the German Reich, I had an aim before my eyes which was essentially incorporated in the program of our National Socialist party. I have never been disloyal to this aim and have never abandoned my program... Only when the entire German people become a single community of sacrifice can we expect and hope that Almighty God will help us. The Almighty has never helped a lazy man. He does not help the coward. He does not help a people that cannot help itself. The principle applies here, help yourselves and Almighty God will not deny you his assistance. ** Radio broadcast from Berlin, 3 October 1941. [http://www.jewishvirtuallibrary.org/adolf-hitler-broadcast-to-the-german-people-on-the-winter-help-scheme-october-1941] * By virtue of an inherent law, these riches belong to him who conquers them. The great migrations set out from the East. With us begins the ebb, from West to East. That's in accordance with the laws of nature. By means of struggle, the élites are continually renewed. The law of selection justifies this incessant struggle, by allowing the survival of the fittest. Christianity is a rebellion against natural law, a protest against nature. Taken to its logical extreme, Christianity would mean the systematic cultivation of the human failure. ** 10 October 1941, quoted in ''Hitler's Table Talk, 1941–1944'' *There is only one duty: to Germanise this country [the East] by the immigration of Germans, and to look upon the natives as Redskins. **Secret conversation October 17, 1941 quoted in [https://books.google.com/books?id=J1g7pxIrctQC&pg=PA703&lpg=PA703&dq='There+is+only+one+duty:+to+Germanize+%5B%E2%80%9Cthe+East%E2%80%9D%5D+by+the+immigration+of+Germans,+and+to+look+upon+the+natives+as+Redskins&source=bl&ots=ivCFt6jbTz&sig=NNM68pyr1zvuOQHh98r1XK0XlL0&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwillfzazpTXAhXFyyYKHblIApYQ6AEIMjAC#v=onepage&q='There%20is%20only%20one%20duty%3A%20to%20Germanize%20%5B%E2%80%9Cthe%20East%E2%80%9D%5D%20by%20the%20immigration%20of%20Germans%2C%20and%20to%20look%20upon%20the%20natives%20as%20Redskins&f=false World History, Volume 1 pg. 703] and [https://www.ushmm.org/wlc/en/article.php?ModuleId=10008219 The Holocaust Encyclopedia] * The reason why the ancient world was so pure, light and serene was that it knew nothing of the two great scourges: the pox and Christianity. Christianity is a prototype of Bolshevism: the mobilisation by the Jew of the masses of slaves with the object of undermining society. Thus one understands that the healthy elements of the Roman world were proof against this doctrine. Yet Rome to-day allows itself to reproach Bolshevism with having destroyed the Christian churches! As if Christianity hadn't behaved in the same way towards the pagan temples. ** 19 October 1941, quoted in ''Hitler's Table Talk, 1941–1944'' * But Christianity is an invention of sick brains: one could imagine nothing more senseless, nor any more indecent way of turning the idea of the godhead into a mockery. ** 13 December 1941, quoted in ''Hitler's Table Talk, 1941–1944'' * Pure Christianity—the Christianity of the catacombs—is concerned with translating the Christian doctrine into facts. It leads quite simply to the annihilation of mankind. It is merely whole-hearted Bolshevism, under a tinsel of metaphysics. ** 14 December 1941, quoted in ''Hitler's Table Talk, 1941–1944'' ====Speech Declaring War Against the United States (1941)==== :<small>[http://www.jewishvirtuallibrary.org/hitler-s-speech-declaring-war-against-the-united-states "Speech Declaring War Against the United States"] (11 December 1941)</small> * National-Socialism came to power in Germany in the same year as Roosevelt was elected [[President of the United States|President]]. . . Roosevelt comes from a rich family and belongs to the class whose path is smoothed in the Democracies. I am only the child of a small, poor family and had to fight my way by work and industry. When the Great War came, Roosevelt occupied a position where he got to know only its pleasant consequences, enjoyed by those who do business while others bleed. . . I shared the fate of millions, and Franklin Roosevelt only the fate of the so-called Upper Ten Thousand. . . he made profits out of the inflation, out of the misery of others, while I, together with many hundreds of thousands more, lay in hospital. * When Churchill and Roosevelt state that they want to build up a new [[social order]], later on, it is like a hairdresser with a bald head recommending an unfortunate hair-restorer. These men, who live in the most socially backward states, have misery and distress enough in their own countries to occupy themselves with the distribution of foodstuffs.... We are allied with strong peoples, who in the same need are faced with the same enemies. The American President and his Plutocratic clique have mocked us as the Have-nots-that is true, but the Have-nots will see to it that they are not robbed of the little they have. *[A]ll that which [[w:United States|America]] did not get from Europe may seem worthy of admiration to a Jewified mixed race, but Europe regards that merely as symptomatic of decay in artistic and cultural life, the product of Jewish or [[Black people|Negroid]] blood mixture. *We '''National Socialists are not at all surprised that the Anglo-American, Jewish and capitalist world is united together with Bolshevism. In our country we have always found them in the same community'''. Alone we successfully fought against them here in Germany, and after 14 years of struggle for power we were finally able to annihilate our enemies. ===1942=== * Thus the [[w:Home front|home-front]] need not be warned, and the prayer of this priest of the devil, the wish that Europe may be punished with Bolshevism, will not be fulfilled, but rather that the prayer may be fulfilled: "Lord God, give us the strength that we may retain our liberty for our children and our children's children, not only for ourselves but also for the other peoples of Europe, for this is a war which we all wage, this time, not for our German people alone, it is a war for all of Europe and with it, in the long run, for all of mankind." ** [http://der-fuehrer.org/reden/english/42-01-30.htm Speech in Berlin], 30 January 1942 * Churchill is the very type of a corrupt [[Journalism|journalist]]. There's not a worse [[Prostitution|prostitute]] in politics. He himself has written that it's unimaginable what can be done in war with the help of lies. He's an utterly amoral, repulsive creature. I'm convinced that he has his place of refuge ready beyond the [[w:Atlantic Ocean|Atlantic]]. He obviously won't seek sanctuary in [[Canada]]. In Canada he'd be beaten up. He'll go to his friends the [[w:Yankees|Yankees]]. As soon as this damnable [[winter]] is over, we'll remedy all that. ** 18 February 1942, quoted in ''Hitler's Table Talk, 1941–1944'' * Christianity is the worst of the regressions that mankind can ever have undergone, and it's the Jew who, thanks to this diabolic invention, has thrown him back fifteen centuries. The only thing that would be still worse would be victory for the Jew through Bolshevism. If Bolshevism triumphed, mankind would lose the gift of laughter and joy. It would become merely a shapeless mass, doomed to grayness and despair. ** 20-21 February 1942, quoted in ''Hitler's Table Talk, 1941–1944'' * It would always be disagreeable for me to go down to posterity as a man who made concessions in this field. I realise that man, in his imperfection, can commit innumerable errors— but to devote myself deliberately to error, that is something I cannot do. I shall never come personally to terms with the Christian lie. In acting as I do, I'm very far from the wish to scandalise. But I rebel when I see the very idea of Providence flouted in this fashion. ** 27 February 1942, quoted in ''Hitler's Table Talk, 1941–1944'' * Our epoch will certainly see the end of the disease of Christianity. It will last another hundred years, two hundred years perhaps. My regret will have been that I couldn't, like whoever the prophet was, behold the promised land from afar. ** 27 February 1942, quoted in ''Hitler's Table Talk, 1941–1944'' * The English language lacks the ability to express thoughts that surpass the order of concrete things. It’s because the German language has this ability that Germany is the country of thinkers. ** 7 March 1942, quoted in ''Hitler's Table Talk, 1941–1944'' * One may regret living at a period when it's impossible to form an idea of the shape the world of the future will assume. But there's one thing I can predict to eaters of meat: the world of the future will be [[Vegetarianism|vegetarian]]. ** Stenographic transcripts translated by Hugh Trevor-Roper Bullock, 11 November 1941, Alan (1993). Hitler and Stalin : Parallel Lives. Vintage. p. 679. ISBN 0-679-72994-1. * For many people the causes of this terrible war into which we were forced in 1939, began to be more clearly recognized, for this war did not bear the characteristics of the previous conflicts among the European nations to which we were accustomed. To an ever increasing degree it began to be generally realized that the reasons for this conflict were no longer to be sought in the usual interests even if plausible of the various nations, but that in reality it was one of those elementary struggles which shaking the foundations of the world but once in a thousand years, introduce a new millennium. ** [http://der-fuehrer.org/reden/english/42-04-26.htm Speech to the Reichstag], 26 April 1942 *In this tremendous and truly historical uprising of the nations we are all now taking our part, some of us as [[Leadership|leaders]], others as [[Acting|actors]] or [[Performance|performers]]. '''On one side we find the exponents of democracy, that is Jewish capitalism with all its deadweight of obsolete political theories and [[Parliamentary system|parliamentary]] [[corruption]],''' its out-moded social order, the Jewish brain trust, the Jewish [[newspapers]], stock exchanges and banks, a concern of mixed political and economic profiteers of the worst order, arm in arm with the Bolshevist state. **[https://www.jewishvirtuallibrary.org/adolf-hitler-speech-to-the-reichstag-assuming-new-power-april-1942 "Speech to the Reichstag Assuming New Powers"], (April 26, 1942) *The Jews were the carriers of that Bolshevist infection which once threatened to destroy Europe. It was also they who incited the ranks of the plutocracies to war, and it is the Jews who have driven [[United States|America]] to war against all her own interests, simply and solely from the Jewish capitalistic point of view. **[https://www.jewishvirtuallibrary.org/adolf-hitler-speech-to-the-reichstag-assuming-new-power-april-1942 "Speech to the Reichstag Assuming New Powers"], (April 26, 1942) *If I don't get the [[oil]] of [[w:Maykop|Maykop]] and [[w:Grozny|Grozny]], then I must finish (''liquidieren'') this war. **Remark to [[Friedrich Paulus]] (1 June 1942), quoted in Ian Kershaw, ''Hitler, 1936–1945: Nemesis'' (2001), p. 514 and N. Polmar and T. B. Allen, ''World War II: the Encyclopedia of the War Years, 1941-1945'' (2012), p. 194 * Had I finished off France in '39, then world history would have taken another course. But then I had to wait until 1940. Then a two-front war, that was bad luck. After that, even we were broken. ** [https://www.theguardian.com/media/2004/oct/15/radio.internationalnews In a meeting with Mannerheim], 4 June 1942 *The rapidity with which [[Mustafa Kemal Atatürk|Mustapha Kemal Ataturk]] rid himself of his parsons makes one of the most remarkable chapters in history. He hanged thirty-nine of them out of hand, the rest he flung out, and [[w:en:Hagia Sophia|St. Sophia]] in [[Istanbul|Constantinople]] is now a [[museum]]! **1 August 1942, quoted in Gerhard L. Weinberg (ed.), ''Hitler's Table Talk, 1941–1944'' (2008), p. 458 * A state like Switzerland, which is nothing but a pimple on the face of Europe, cannot be allowed to continue. ** 26 August 1942, quoted in ''Hitler's Table Talk, 1941–1944'' * In my eyes, the year 1942 already has behind it the most fateful trial of our people. That was the winter of '41 to '42. I may be permitted to say that in that winter the German people, and in particular its [[w:Wehrmacht|Wehrmacht]], were weighed in the balance by Providence. Nothing worse can or will happen. That we conquered that winter, that "[[w:General Winter|General Winter]]," that at last the German fronts stood, and that this spring, that is, early this summer, we were able to proceed again, that, I believe, is the proof that Providence was content with the German people... You do not realize what is hidden beneath these words in the way of human heroism, and also of human pain, and suffering, and we may say, often anxiety too, naturally, deathly anxiety on the part of all those who, especially for the first time, are placed before the trial of God in this highest court. ** ''[http://www.jewishvirtuallibrary.org/adolf-hitler-address-at-the-opening-of-the-winter-relief-campaign-september-1942 Address at the Opening of the Winter Relief Campaign]'' (September 30, 1942) * And today I stand by this same view. [[Fate]], or Providence, will give the victory to those who most deserve it... And when now, after 10 years, I again survey this period, I can say that upon no people has Providence ever bestowed more successes than upon us. The miracles we have achieved in the last three years in the face of a whole world of enemies are unique in history, especially the crises we very naturally often had in these years. ** ''[http://www.jewishvirtuallibrary.org/adolf-hitler-speech-on-the-19th-anniversary-of-the-ldquo-beer-hall-putsch-rdquo-november-1942 Speech on the 19th Anniversary of the "Beer Hall Putsch"]'' (November 8, 1942) ===1943=== * You know my opinion of [[Francisco Franco|Franco]]... We ought to keep these Red Spaniards on the back burner... They're lost to democracy, and to that reactionary crew round Franco too... I believe you to the letter, Speer, that they were impressive people. I must say, in general, that during the [[Spanish Civil War|civil war]] the idealism was not on Franco's side; it was to be found among the Reds&nbsp;... one of these days we'll be able to make use of them... The whole thing will start all over again. But with us on the opposite side. **As quoted in [[w:Albert Speer|Albert Speer]]'s diary entry for 26 December 1950 recalling a conversation with Hitler in January 1943, published in ''Spandau: The Secret Diary'' (2000), p. 167<!-- Weidenfeld & Nicholson --> * [[Surrender]] is forbidden. [[w:6th Army (Wehrmacht)|Sixth Army]] will hold their positions to the last man and the last round and by their heroic endurance will make an unforgettable contribution toward the establishment of a defensive front and the salvation of the Western world. ** [https://www.historyplace.com/worldwar2/defeat/catastrophe-stalingrad.htm In a message to General Paulus], 24 January 1943 * Instead, it will increasingly strive to realize, in the service of the national interest everywhere, a true Volksgemeinschaft as the highest ideal. All the more so after the war, the German National Socialist state, which pursued this goal from the beginning, '''will tirelessly work for the realization of a program that will ultimately lead to a complete elimination of class differences and to the creation of a true socialist community.''' <br> Thus, the five hundred forty-two thousand dead that this Second World War has up to now claimed will not have fallen in vain. Instead, they will live on eternally in our ranks as the undying heroes and pioneers of a better age. <br> May the Almighty, who has not denied us His blessings throughout these trials and Who has thereby reinforced our inherent strength, also grant us His assistance in the fulfillment of what we must do for our Volk, what we owe it, until the victory. We again bow reverently before our dead comrades, their family members in mourning, the murdered men, women, and children in the homeland, and all the sacrifices of our allies. ** [https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/Adolf_Hitler%27s_Speech_for_the_Heroes%27_Memorial_Day_(21_March_1943) Speech for the Heroes' Memorial Day (21 March 1943)] * [[Soldiers]] of the Reich! This day, you are to take part in an offensive of such importance that the whole future of the war may depend on its outcome. More than anything else, your victory will show the whole world that resistance to the power of the German Army is hopeless. ** In a message to German soldiers at the start of the Battle of Kursk, 5 July 1943, as quoted in ''Kursk'' by Rupert Matthews ===1944=== *Additionally, on special petition men should be able to enter into a binding [[Marriage|martial relationship]] not only with one woman, but also with another, who would then get his name without complications, and the children automatically getting the father's name **27-28 January 1944 according to point 28.(2) of a 29 January 1944 memo from Martin Bormann recounting a conversation about "Safeguarding the future of the German People", according to [https://books.google.ca/books?id=Ce7HAAAAQBAJ&pg=PA84 pages 83-84] of "A History of the Münster Anabaptists: Inner Emigration and the Third Reich", a critical 2008-edition translation by George von der Lippe and Viktoria Reck-Malleczewen of "Friedrich Reck-Malleczewen's Bockelson: A Tale of Mass Insanity" referencing Lang 478 ===1945=== * Providence shows no mercy to weak nations, but recognizes the right of existence-only of sound and strong nations...<p>This Jewish bolshevist annihilation of nations and its western European and American procurers can be met only in one way: by using every ounce of strength with the extreme fanaticism and stubborn steadfastness that merciful God gives to men in hard times for the defense of their own lives...<p>We have suffered so much that it only steels us to fanatical resolve to hate Our enemies a thousand times more and to regard them for what they are destroyers of an eternal culture and annihilators of humanity. Out of this hate<!--bate?--> a holy will is born to oppose these destroyers of our existence with all the strength that God has given us and to crush them in the end. During its 2,000-year history our people has survived so many terrible times that we have no doubt that we will also master our present plight. ** ''[http://www.jewishvirtuallibrary.org/adolf-hitler-speech-on-the-25th-anniversary-of-the-announcement-of-the-national-socialist-party-s-program-february-1945 Speech on the 25th Anniversary of the Announcement of the National Socialist Party's Program]'' (February 24, 1945) * If [[w:World War II|the war]] is lost, [[Germany|the nation]] will also perish. This fate is inevitable. There is no necessity to take into consideration the basis which the people will need to continue even a most primitive existence. On the contrary, it will be better to destroy these things ourselves, because this nation will have proved to be the weaker one and the future will belong solely to the stronger eastern nation (Russia). Besides, those who will remain after the battle are only the inferior ones, for the good ones have all been killed. ** To [[Albert Speer]] (1945), as quoted in [http://www.historyplace.com/worldwar2/defeat/enter-bunker.htm "Defeat of Hitler: Enter the Bunker"] (2010), ''The History Place'' *The soldiers on the [[w:Eastern Front of World War II|Eastern Front]] fight far better. The reason they give in so easily in the West is simply the fault of that stupid [[w:Geneva Convention (1929)|Geneva convention]] which promises them good treatment as [[Prison|prisoners]]. We must scrap the idiotic thing. **Remarks to General Guderian (March 1945), quoted in Heinz Guderian, ''Panzer Leader'' (1952), p. 427 * The war is lost! **Regarding the fate of World War II (1945), as quoted in [http://www.historyplace.com/worldwar2/defeat/enter-bunker.htm "Defeat of Hitler: Enter the Bunker"] (2010), ''The History Place'' * It is untrue that I or anybody else in Germany wanted war in 1939. ** [http://der-fuehrer.org/reden/english/45-04-29_T1.htm In his Last Political Testament], 29 April 1945 *'''The Palace of Justice in Brussels lies like a cyclops above the city, building a court of justice above a city, that is really something special. ''' :[https://youtu. be/gSE-FRtJwvQ?t=367 Histories - Hitler in Belgium, Part 1- The humiliation.] (2 Part documentary about Hitlers victory tour in Belgium on July 1, 1940.) Hitler was a Big fan of Leopold II's architect Joseph Poelaert, so much so that Hitler will send his own Architect Albert speer who at that moment is in charcge of the embellishment works of Berlin to Brussels later that year to make a study of the Palace of Justice of Brussels. ===dates unknown=== ====pub 1935==== * We do not want any other god than Germany itself. It is essential to have fanatical faith and hope and love in and for Germany. ** As quoted in ''A History of National Socialism'', [[Konrad Heiden]], A. A. Knopf (1935) p. 100 ====pub 1936==== * In a hundred years time, perhaps, a great man will appear who may offer them (the Germans) a chance at salvation. He'll take me as a model, use my ideas, and follow the course I have charted. ** As quoted in "Der Führer als Redner," Adolf Hitler. Bilder aus dem Leben des Führers" (The Fuhrer as a speaker) by [[Joseph Goebbels]] in 1936 ====pub 1944==== * '''We shall banish [[Desire|want]]. We shall banish [[fear]]. The essence of National Socialism is human welfare.''' There must be cheap [[w:Volkswagen |Volkswagen]] for workers to ride in, broad Reich [[w:Autobahn|Autobahns]] for the Volkswagen. National Socialism is the Revolution of the Common Man. Rooted in a fuller life for every German from childhood to old age, National Socialism means a new day of abundance at home and a Better World Order abroad. ** As quoted in ''Men in Motion'', Henry J. Taylor, Doubleday, Doran & Co., New York: NY, (1944) p. 59.<br>Also quoted in ''As We Go Marching'', John T. Flynn, New York: NY, Free Life Edition (1973) p. 154, first published 1944 [https://mises-media.s3.amazonaws.com/As%20We%20Go%20Marching_2.pdf] * '''In our movement the two extremes come together: the Communists from the Left and the officers and students from the Right.''' These two have always been the most active elements, and it was the greatest crime that they used to oppose each other in street fights... Our party has already succeeded in uniting these two utter extremes within the ranks of our storm troops. They will form the core of the great German liberation movement, in which all without distinction will stand together when the day comes to say: 'The Nation arises, the storm is breaking!' ** As quoted in ''Der Fuehrer: Hitler's Rise to Power'', [[Konrad Heiden]], Boston, MA, Beacon Press, 1969, p. 147, first published 1944.<br>Part of Hitler's quote also cited in ''Totalitarianism: Part Three of The Origins of Totalitarianism'', Hannah Arendt, A Harvest Book, 1985, footnote, p. 7 *5. Now, it is a fact that [[women]] who find themselves without a [[man]] after this war cannot have children by the [[Holy Spirit]] but only by men who have survived. Increased propagation by the individual man is - obviously from the standpoint of the good of the people - only desired in the case of a portion of these men. Good men with strong [[character]], physically and psychically healthy, are the ones who should reproduce extra generously, not the ones warped in body and mind.<br>6. If the dead of the past world war and the present are not to have died in vain, we must secure the victory with all means at hand. Every woman whose husband or brother or father or other relative was killed in one of these struggles must wish that! This means that every woman must wish that ''every'' healthy woman capable of doing so after the war's end will have as many children as possible, to secure the victory and to secure the future of our people and the future of her own grandchildren.<br>7. Now government [[Regulation|regulations]] alone, particularly in this ticklish area, serve no purpose whatsoever. Here only a very serious conviction born along by the Movement can lead to the required attitude. The question is too serious for wisecracks and cheap jokes; here what is truly at stake is the safeguarding of the future of our people.<br>8. After this war we cannot command women and girls to have [[Infant|babies]]. What is called for is the most intelligent [[Enlightenment (spiritual)|enlightenment]] possible - and here the much overused superlative is used advisedly.<br>9. This [enlightenment] must in my opinion not be carried out by men who might too easily be considered personally interested parties, [sexual] profiteers. In my opinion only older men should be allowed to speak on this theme, and above all, our women's organizations must perform the necessary job of enlightenment.<br>10. These needful actions involve not only convincing the women who have lost [[husbands]] or will never get one, but what is needed first of all is the enlightenment of the old folks, the mothers and fathers, who grew up among quite different attitudes in the past.<br>11. Still more necessary is the enlightenment of the [[wives]], who in many cases turn into fanatical [advocates] of [[Respect|respectability]] only after their marriage.<br>12. When we reflect on what is necessary to bring this so vitally important problem for our people to a successful solution, then we must make the situation clear for the individual case. At first many women - want of logic is something women are born with - will affirm the appropriateness [of the new order of things], but in the individual case, applied to their personal lives, they will fanatically reject it.<br>13. The public, i.e., general, enlightenment [campaign] can, for obvious reasons, only get under way after the war. To mention only one reason: we cannot yet appeal today to the women whose husbands might become casualties in the future, and also out of consideration for our soldiers we cannot begin our enlightenment campaign; that would assume that we would have to get this line of thinking across to our men now serving as soldiers, but not every soldier will accept the prospect of his wide or bride bearing children by another man after his own death.<br>14. Meanwhile we must be fully cognizant of the steps that can be taken while the war is still on, and of those to be introduced immediately after the war's end.<br>15. We must begin immediately to remove all impediments to the attainment of our objective; in particular, the point is to orientate contemporary [[poets]] and [[Writing|writers]]. New [[Novel|novels]], short stories and stage plays based on marriage and [[divorce]] are no longer to be permitted, and by the same token [we will allow] no [[Poetry|poems]], [[Writing|writings]], [[Film|motion pictures]] that treat the child born out of wedlock [unehelich] as of diminished worth, as a bastard.<br>(The word "unchelich" must, as I pointed out long ago, be expunged [right ouf of the language]. The prefix "un" generally denotes something to be rejected. **as quoted on [https://books.google.ca/books?id=jPckDQAAQBAJ&pg=PA835 page 835] of "The Third Reich Sourcebook" by Anson Rabinbach and Sander L. Gilman, published 10 July 2013 by University of California Press.<br>From chapter "397. Martin Bormann, Safeguarding the Future of the German People (1944)" (pg 834) under section "29. Total War: 1939-1945" (pg 815), under "PART TEN. WAR, CONQUEST, AND THE ANNIHILATION OF THE JEWS" (pg 720) ====pub 1954==== * I know that some Man capable of giving our problems a final solution must appear. I have sought such a Man. I could nowhere discover Him. And that is why I have set myself to do the preparatory work; only the most urgent preparatory work, for I know that I am myself not, the One. And I know also what is missing in me. But the other One still remains aloof, and nobody comes forward, and there is no more time to be lost. ** As quoted in ''Warum? Woher? Aber Wohin?'' (published 1 January 1954) by Hans Grimm, p. 14 ====pub 1961==== * I want war. To me all means will be right. My motto is not "Don't, whatever you do, annoy the enemy." My motto is "Destroy him by all and any means." I am the one who will wage the war! ** As quoted in ''[[w:Hitler and Nazism|Hitler and Nazism]]'' (1961) by [[w:Louis Leo Snyder|Louis Leo Snyder]], p. 66 ====pub 1968==== * We stand for the maintenance of [[property|private property]]... We shall protect [[Laissez-faire|free enterprise]] as the most expedient, or rather the sole possible economic order. ** Quoted in [https://www.google.it/books/edition/Der_Fuehrer/_lUTAQAAMAAJ?hl=it&gbpv=1&bsq=%22We+stand+for+the+maintenance+of+private+property...+We+shall+protect+free+enterprise+as+the+most+expedient,+or+rather+the+sole+possible+economic+order.%22&dq=%22We+stand+for+the+maintenance+of+private+property...+We+shall+protect+free+enterprise+as+the+most+expedient,+or+rather+the+sole+possible+economic+order.%22&printsec=frontcover ''Der Fuehrer, Hitler's Rise to Power''], by [[Konrad Heiden]]. Statement of the 1920. ====pub 1971==== * I intend to set up a thousand-year Reich and anyone who supports me in this battle is a fellow-fighter for a unique spiritual&mdash;I would say divine&mdash;creation... [[Rudolf Hess]], my assistant of many years standing, would tell you: If we have such a leader, God is with us. ** As quoted in ''Secret Conversations with Hitler: The Two Newly-Discovered 1931 Interviews'' (1971) by [[w:Richard Breiting|Richard Breiting]], p. 68 ====pub 1972==== * Genius is a will-o'-the-wisp if it lacks a solid foundation of [[perseverance]] and fanatical tenacity. This is the most important thing in all of human life... ** As quoted in ''How the Allies Won'' (1995) by Richard Overy, citing ''Hitler: The Man and the Military Leader'' (1972) by P.E. Schramm ====pub 1974==== * National socialism is the determination to create a new man. There will no longer exist any individual arbitrary will, nor realms in which the individual belongs to himself. The time of happiness as a private matter is over. ** As quoted in ''Hitler'' (1974) by Joachim C. Fest, p. 533 <!-- New York: Harcourt Brace Jovanovich --> ====pub 1977==== * They bring in high earnings without work. One of these days I'll sweep away this outrage and nationalize all [[corporations]]. ** As quoted in ''Spandau: The Secret Diaries'', Albert Speer, New York, NY, Pocket Books (1977) p. 84 ====pub 1979==== [[File:Ares Ludovisi Altemps Inv8602 n3.jpg|thumb|The god of war has gone over to the other side.]] * '''The god of war has gone over to the other side.''' ** Statement to [[w:Alfred Jodl|Alfred Jodl]], after losses in the [[w:Battle of Stalingrad|Battle of Stalingrad]], as quoted in ''The Second World War: An Illustrated History'' (1979) by [[w: A. J. P. Taylor|A. J. P. Taylor]] ====pub 1987==== * This German [[w:Volksgemeinschaft|Volksgemeinschaft]] is truly practical socialism and therefore National Socialism in the best sense of the word. Here everyone is obligated to carry his load. ** As quoted in ''Stagnation and Renewal in Social Policy: The Rise and Fall of Policy Regimes'', editors: Martin Rein, Gøsta Esping-Andersen, and Lee Rainwater (1987) p. 63 * If the Italians hadn't attacked Greece and needed our help, the war would have taken a different course. We could have anticipated the Russian cold by weeks and conquered Leningrad and Moscow. There would have been no Stalingrad. ** Quoted in ''Leni Riefenstahl: A Memoir'' by Leni Riefenstahl ====pub 1993==== * You will never learn what I am thinking. And those who boast most loudly that they know my thought, to such people I lie even more. ** Statement to [[Franz Halder]], as quoted in ''{{w|The Psychopathic God}}'' (1993) by [[w: Robert G. L. Waite|Robert George Leeson Waite]], p. xi ====pub 1999==== [[File:Henry_ford_1919.jpg|thumb|I regard [[Henry Ford|Ford]] as my inspiration.]] *I regard Ford as my inspiration. **Attributed in Bill McGraw, "''Forced Labor and Ford: History of Nazi Labor Stares Ford in the Face''", Detroit Free Press, 21 December 1999, p. B1; as cited in Timothy W. Ryback, ''Hitler's Private Library: The Books That Shaped His Life'', p. 71 & footnote p. 275. ====pub 2000==== * The broad [[Masses|mass]] is [[Femininity|feminine]]." ** As quoted in ''Hitler 1889-1936: Hubris'', Ian Kershaw, Page iii (published 4 April 2000) ====pub 2001==== *(p.1884) I never lost my belief, in the midst of setbacks which were not spared me during my period of struggle. Providence has had the last word and brought me success.<br>(p.2842) Not long ago, an American magazine wrote that what was worst about National Socialism was its women. They said that National Socialism did more for women than any other nation. It improved their social position. It began to bring them together in tremendous organizations. It sent the women of the educated classes into the factories so that female workers could go on vacation, and so on. The paper concluded that the democracies could not imitate this. ** As quoted 1 November 2002 in ''{{w|The Third Reich: A New History}}'' by {{w|Michael Burleigh}} ====pub 2009==== [[File:Alois Hitler (cropped).jpeg|thumb|I never loved my father, [he used to say,] but feared him. He was prone to rages and would resort to violence.]] * I never loved my father, [he used to say,] but feared him. He was prone to rages and would resort to violence. My poor mother would then always be afraid for me. When I read [[w:Karl May|Karl May]] once that it was a sign of [[bravery]] to hide one's pain, I decided that when he beat me the next time I would make no sound. When it happened – I knew my mother was standing anxiously at the door – I counted every stroke out loud. Mother thought I had gone mad when I reported to her with a beaming smile, 'Thirty-two strokes father gave me!' From that day I never needed to repeat the experiment, for my father never beat me again. ** Statement about his parents [[w:Alois Hitler|Alois]] and [[w:Klara Hitler|Klara Hitler]], as quoted in ''He Was My Chief: The Memoirs of Adolf Hitler's Secretary'' (2009) by [[w:Christa Schroeder|Christa Schroeder]], p. 40–41 ====pub 2013==== * Works of [[art]] which cannot be understood in themselves but need some pretentious instruction book to justify their existence will never again find their way to the German people. ** [[Adolf Hitler]] as in a speech the summer before the Degenerate Art Exhibition as quoted without citation in 6 November 2013 "[http://www.bbc.com/news/magazine-24819441 Degenerate art: Why Hitler hated modernism]" by Lucy Burns, ''BBC''. {{disputed begin}} == Disputed == [[File:Flag of Poland (with coat of arms, 1919-1928).svg|thumb|I have placed my death's-head formation in readiness, for the present only in the east, with orders to them to send to death mercilessly and without compassion, men, women, and children of Polish derivation and language. Only thus shall [[Germany|we]] gain the [[w:Lebensraum|living space]] which we need.]] [[File:Armenians marched by Ottoman soldiers, 1915.png|thumb|Who, after all, speaks today of the annihilation of the Armenians?]] * Our strength consists in our speed and in our brutality. Genghis Khan led millions of women and children to slaughter, with premeditation and a happy heart. History sees in him solely the founder of a state. It's a matter of indifference to me what a weak western European civilization will say about me. I have issued the command, and I'll have anybody who utters but one word of criticism executed by a firing squad, that our war aim does not consist in reaching certain lines, but in the physical destruction of the enemy. Accordingly, I have placed my death's-head formation in readiness, for the present only in the East, with orders to them to send to death mercilessly and without compassion, men, women, and children of Polish derivation and language. Only thus shall [[Germany|we]] gain the [[w:Lebensraum|living space]] which we need. '''Who, after all, speaks today of the annihilation of the Armenians?''' ** [[w:Armenian quote|Allegedly included in a speech at Obersalzberg]], 22 August 1939. * We must close union offices, confiscate their money and put their leaders in prison. We must reduce workers salaries and take away their right to strike. ** "I cannot speak to the authenticity of the quotation ... attributed to Hitler in the very many Web postings at which it is found, and without devoting far more research time than it warrants." - [http://thepragmaticprogressive.blogspot.com/2011/03/hitler-and-unions.html Ken Leford]. * The Revolution we have made is not a national revolution, but a National-''Socialist'' Revolution. We would even underline this last word, "Socialist." ** April 18, 1934. Attributed by [[Winston Churchill]] in Vol. 1 of [[The Second World War (book series)|The Second World War]]. (1948) * That is the great thing about our movement--that these members are uniform not only in ideas, but even, the facial expression is almost the same! ** Attributed by [[Jack Kirby]] in ''[[w:The Forever People|The Forever People]]'' #3, National Periodical Publications, (June-July 1971). * How fortunate for governments that the people they administer don't think. ** Attributed to Hitler, without source, in a [https://books.google.com/books?id=FwICBAAAQBAJ&pg=PT96&dq=%22the+people+they+administer+don%27t+think%22&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwic_p2MxqfLAhUBE2MKHTC-CgQQ6AEIHDAA#v=onepage&q=%22the%20people%20they%20administer%20don't%20think%22&f=false 1992 book of quotations]. ===''Hitler Speaks'' (1940)=== :<small>Attributed by [[Hermann Rauschning]] in ''Hitler Speaks'' (1940) also known as ''The Voice of Destruction'', the [[W:Hermann Rauschning#Authenticity of Hitler Speaks|book's authenticity is disputed.]]</small> * It is not Germany that will turn {{w|Bolshevist}} but Bolshevism that will become a sort of [[Nazi | National Socialism]]. Besides, there is more that binds us to Bolshevism than separates us from it. There is, above all, genuine [[revolutionary]] feeling, which is alive everywhere in [[Russia]] except where are [[W:Jewish Bolshevism#Nazi Germany|Jewish Marxists]]. I have always made allowance for this circumstance, and given orders that former [[Communists]] are to be admitted to the party at once. The ''{{w|petit bourgeois}}'' Social-Democrat and the [[trade-union]] boss will never make a National Socialist, but the Communist always will. ... Our spirit is so strong, and the power of our magnificent movement to transform souls so elemental, that men are remodeled against their will. ... A {{w|social revolution}} would lend me new, unsuspected powers. I do not fear permeation with revolutionary {{w|Communist propaganda}}. ** pp. 131-132. * We are obligated to depopulate as part of our mission of preserving the German population. We shall have to develop a technique of depopulation. If you ask me what I mean by depopulation, I mean the removal of entire racial units. And that is what I intend to carry out... Nature is cruel, therefore we, too, may be cruel.... I have the right to remove millions of an inferior race that breeds like vermin! ** p. 89. * The party is all-embracing. It rules our lives in all their breadth and depth... There will be no license, no free space, in which the individual belongs to himself. This is Socialism... Let them then own land or factories as much as they please. The decisive factor is that the State, through the party, is supreme over them, regardless whether they are owners or workers. ** p. 191. * I have learned a great deal from Marxism as I do not hesitate to admit... The difference between them and myself is that I have really put into practice what these peddlers and pen pushers have timidly begun. The whole of National Socialism is based on it... National Socialism is what Marxism might have been if it could have broken its absurd and artificial ties with a democratic order. ** p. 186 === ''{{w|Hitler's Table Talks}} (1941-1944)'' (published 1953) === :<small><b>''Die Bormann Vermerke'': Transcripts of Hitler's conversations (5 July 1941 - 30 November 1944), made under the supervision of [[Martin Bormann]], published in the UK as ''Hitler's Table Talks'' (1953).</b> The [[W:Hitler's Table Talk#Controversies|reliability of the translation is disputed.]]</small> [[File:Bundesarchiv Bild 183-1987-0922-500, Wien, Heldenplatz, Rede Adolf Hitler.jpg|thumb|I have not come into this [[world]] to make men better, but [[Exploitation|to make use of their]] [[weaknesses]].]] * '''I have not come into this [[world]] to make men better, but [[Exploitation|to make use of their]] [[weaknesses]].''' * I don't see much future for the Americans&nbsp;... it's a decayed country. And they have their racial problem, and the problem of social inequalities&nbsp;... my feelings against Americanism are feelings of hatred and deep repugnance&nbsp;... everything about the behaviour of American society reveals that it's half Judaised, and the other half negrified. How can one expect a State like that to hold together? ** Statement in conversation (7 January 1942) * I absolutely insist on protecting private property. It is natural and salutary that the individual should be inspired by the wish to devote a part of the income from his work to building up and expanding a family estate. Suppose the estate consists of a factory. I regard it as axiomatic, in the ordinary way, that this factory will be better run by one of the members of the family that it would be by a State functionary—providing, of course, that the family remains healthy. In this sense, we must encourage private initiative. ** A private statement made on March 24, 1942. * Stalin is one of the most extraordinary figures in world history. He began as a small clerk, and he has never stopped being a clerk. Stalin owes nothing to rhetoric. He governs from his office, thanks to a bureaucracy that obeys his every nod and gesture. It's striking that Russian propaganda, in the criticisms it makes of us, always holds itself within certain limits. Stalin, that cunning Caucasian, is apparently quite ready to abandon European Russia, if he thinks that a failure to solve her problems would cause him to lose everything. Let nobody think Stalin might reconquer Europe from the Urals! It is as if I were installed in Slovakia, and could set out from there to reconquer the Reich. This is the catastrophe that will cause the loss of the Soviet Empire. ** night of 18-19 July 1941. *I'm sure that Nero didn't set fire to Rome. It was the Christian-Bolsheviks who did that, just as the Commune set fire to Paris in 1871 and the Communists set fire to the Reichstag in 1932. ** 25 October 1941. * The Jew can take the credit for having corrupted the Graeco-Roman world. Previously words were used to express thoughts; he used words to invent the art of disguising thoughts. Lies are his strength, his weapon in the struggle. The Jew is said to be gifted. His only gift is that of juggling with other people's property and swindling each and everyone. Suppose I find by chance a picture that I believe to be a Titian. I tell the owner what I think of it, and I offer him a price. In a similar case, the Jew begins by declaring that the picture is valueless, he buys it for a song and sells it at a profit of 5000 per cent. To persuade people that a thing which has value, has none, and vice versa—that's not a sign of intelligence. They can't even overcome the smallest economic crisis! ** 5 November 1941. * It goes without saying that we have no affinities with the Japanese. They're too foreign to us, by their way of living, by their culture. But my feelings against Americanism are feelings of hatred and deep repugnance. I feel myself more akin to any European country, no matter which. Everything about the behaviour of American society reveals that it's half Judaised, and the other half negrified. How can one expect a State like that to hold together—a State where 80 per cent of the revenue is drained away for the public purse—a country where everything is built on the dollar? From this point of view, I consider the British State very much superior. ** 7 January 1942. * We shall regain our health only by eliminating the Jew. ** 22 February 1942. * The most foolish mistake we could possibly make would be to allow the subject races to possess arms. History shows that all conquerors who have allowed their subject races to carry arms have prepared their own downfall by so doing. ** 11 April 1942. * The American statesmen, by subjecting the Church to the same regulations governing all other associations and institutions, have limited its field of activity to reasonable proportions; and, as the State does not contribute from State Funds one single cent to the church, the whole clergy cringes and sings hymns in praise of Government. This is not to be wondered at! The parson, like everyone else, has got to live; what he makes out of the public offertory doesn't amount to much, and so he is more or less dependent on State charity. As he has no legal claim whatever on the State, he therefore takes very good care that his demeanour is always pleasing in the eyes of the State and therefore deserving of the crumbs it cares to toss to him. ** 4 July 1942. * The development of relations between State and Church affords a very instructive example of how the carelessness of a single statesman can have after-effects which last for centuries. When Charlemagne was kneeling at prayer in St. Peter's, Rome, at Christmas in the year 800, the Pope, giving him no time to work out the possible effects of so symbolic an action, suddenly bent down and presto! popped a golden crown on his head! By permitting it, the Emperor delivered himself and his successors into the hands of a power which subjected the German Government and the German people to five hundred years of martyrdom. ** 4 July 1942. * One of our most important tasks will be to save future generations from a similar political fate and to maintain for ever watchful in them a knowledge of the menace of Jewry. For this reason alone it is vital that the Passion play be continued at Oberammergau; for never has the menace of Jewry been so convincingly portrayed as in this presentation of what happened in the times of the Romans. There one sees in Pontius Pilate a Roman racially and intellectually so superior, that he stands like a firm, clean rock in the middle of the whole muck and mire of Jewry. ** on the [[w:Oberammergau Passion Play|Passion Play at Oberammergau]], 5 July 1942. * In the Spanish people there is a mixture of Gothic, Frankish and Moorish blood. One can speak of the Spaniard as one would speak of a brave anarchist. The Arabian epoch&mdash;the Arabs look down on the Turks as they do on dogs&mdash;was the most cultured, the most intellectual and in every way best and happiest epoch in Spanish history. It was followed by the period of the persecutions with its unceasing atrocities. ** 1 August 1942. * As for the ridiculous hundred million Slavs, we will mould the best of them as we see fit, and we will isolate the rest of them in their own pig-styes; and anyone who talks about cherishing the local inhabitants and civilising them, goes straight off into a concentration camp! ** 6 August 1942. ===''The Testament of Adolf Hitler'' (1945)=== :<small>Genoud, François, ed. (1961). ''The Testament of Adolf Hitler: the Hitler-Bormann documents, February-April 1945''. London: Cassell. Historian [[w:Ian Kershaw|Ian Kershaw]] cautions "This English version contains a very loose and untrustworthy translation of the German text—itself not guaranteed to be identical with any long-lost original or the lost copy of that original—which was eventually published only in 1981... The available German text is, therefore, at best a construct; neither the original nor the copy of that original exists. [Eduard] Baumgarten tended, since the content was consonant with Hitler's thinking and expression, to accept the authenticity of the text. There is, however, no proof and, therefore, no reliable German text whose authenticity can be placed beyond question." (''Hitler, 1936-45: Nemesis'', 2001, [http://books.google.com/books?id=B5fJYMxufVcC&pg=PA1025 p. 1025.])</small> [[File:IJzeren voetring voor gevangenen transparent background.png|thumb|The beginnings of a great new social order based on the principle of [[slavery]] and [[Bigotry|inequality]] were destroyed by [[American Civil War|that war]], and with them also the embryo of a future truly great [[United States|America]] that would not have been ruled by a corrupt caste of tradesmen, but by a real ''Herren''-class that would have swept away all the falsities of liberty and equality.]] * This is the last disgusting death-rattle of a corrupt and outworn system which is a blot on the history of this people. '''Since [[American Civil War|the civil war]], in which [[Confederate States of America|the southern states]] were conquered, against all historical logic and sound sense, the American people have been in a condition of political and popular decay.''' In [[American Civil War|that war]], it was not the Southern States, but the American people themselves who were conquered. In this spurious blossoming of economic progress and power politics, America has ever since been drawn deeper into the mire of progressive self-destruction. '''The beginnings of a great new social order based on the principle of [[slavery]] and [[Bigotry|inequality]] were destroyed by [[American Civil War|that war]], and with them also the embryo of a future truly great [[United States|America]] that would not have been ruled by a corrupt caste of tradesmen, but by a real ''Herren''-class that would have swept away all the falsities of liberty and equality.''' **[https://books.google.com/books?id=2zxfyeUHKEAC&pg=PA69 During an after-dinner discussion in Munich] (1933), regarding the [[American Civil War]] * Under the guidance of the Reich, Europe would speedily have become unified. Once the Jewish poison had been eradicated, unification would have been an easy matter. France and Italy, each defeated in turn at an interval of a few months by the two Germanic Powers, would have been well out of it. Both would have had to renounce their inappropriate aspirations to greatness. At the same time they would have had to renounce their pretensions in North Africa and the Near East; and that would have allowed Europe to pursue a bold policy of friendship towards Islam. **4 February 1945. * We can safely make one prophecy: whatever the outcome of this war, the British Empire is at an end. It has been mortally wounded. The future of the British people is to die of hunger and tuberculosis in their cursed island. **4 February 1945. * It is eastwards, only and always eastwards, that the veins of our race must expand. It is the direction which Nature herself has decreed for the expansion of the German peoples. **7 February 1945. * The white races did, of course, give some things to the natives, and they were the worst gifts that they could possibly have made, those plagues of our own modern world-materialism, fanaticism, alcoholism and syphilis. For the rest, '''since these peoples possessed qualities of their own which were superior to anything we could offer them, they have remained essentially unchanged'''. Where imposition by force was attempted, the results were even more disastrous, and common sense, realizing the futility of such measures, should preclude any recourse to their introduction. '''One solitary success must be conceded to the colonizers: everywhere they have succeeded in arousing hatred, a hatred that urges these peoples, awakened from their slumbers by us, to rise and drive us out. Indeed, it looks almost as though they had awakened solely and simply for that purpose!''' Can anyone assert that colonization has increased the number of Christians in the world? Where are those conversions en masse which mark the success of Islam? Here and there one finds isolated islets of Christians, Christians in name, that is, rather than by conviction; and that is the sum total of the successes of this magnificent Christian religion, the guardian of supreme Truth! '''Taking everything into consideration, Europe's policy of colonization has ended in a complete failure.''' **7 February 1945. * I am quite sure that very few of the so-called Reds in Spain were really Communists. We were badly deceived, for, had I known the real state of affairs, I would never have allowed our aircraft to bombard and destroy a starving population and at the same time re-establish the Spanish clergy in all their horrible privileges. **10 February 1945. * There is, then, no danger in the circumstances that anti-semitism will disappear, for it is the Jews themselves who add fuel to its flames and see that it is kept well stoked. Before the opposition to it can disappear, the malady itself must disappear. And from that point of view, you can rely on the Jews: as long as they survive, anti-semitism will never fade. **13 February 1945. * In saying this, I promise you I am quite free of all racial hatred. It is, in any case, undesirable that one race should mix with other races. Except for a few gratuitous successes, which I am prepared to admit, systematic cross-breeding has never produced good results. Its desire to remain racially pure is a proof of the vitality and good health of a race. Pride in one's own race&mdash;and that does not imply contempt for other races&mdash;is also a normal and healthy sentiment. I have never regarded the Chinese or the Japanese as being inferior to ourselves. They belong to ancient civilisations, and I admit freely that their past history is superior to our own. They have the right to be proud of their past, just as we have the right to be proud of the civilisation to which we belong. Indeed, I believe the more steadfast the Chinese and the Japanese remain in their pride of race, the easier I shall find it to get on with them. **13 February 1945. * This pride of race is a quality which the German, fundamentally, does not possess. The reason for this is that for these last three centuries the country has been torn by internal dissension and religious wars and has been subjected to a variety of foreign influences, to the influence, for example, of Christianity&mdash;for Christianity is not a natural religion for the Germans, but a religion that has been imported and which strikes no responsive chord in their hearts and is foreign to the inherent genius of the race. **13 February 1945. * Our racial pride is not aggressive except in so far as the Jewish race is concerned. '''We use the term Jewish race as a matter of convenience, for in reality and from the genetic point of view there is no such thing as the Jewish race. There does, however, exist a community, to which, in fact, the term can be applied and the existence of which is admitted by the Jews themselves. It is the spiritually homogeneous group, to membership of which all Jews throughout the world deliberately adhere, regardless of their whereabouts and of their country of domicile; and it is this group of human beings to which we give the title Jewish race'''. **13 February 1945. * I ought to have seized the initiative in 1938 instead of allowing myself to be forced into war in 1939; for war was, in any case, unavoidable. However, you can hardly blame me if the British and the French accepted at Munich every demand I made of them! **14 February 1945. * Never, at any price, should we have put our money on France and against the peoples subjected to her yoke. On the contrary, we should have helped them to achieve their liberty and, if necessary, should have goaded them into doing so. There was nothing to stop us in 1940 from making a gesture of this sort in the Near East and in North Africa. In actual fact our diplomats instead set about the task of consolidating French power, not only in Syria, but in Tunis, in Algeria and Morocco as well. Our 'gentlemen' obviously preferred to maintain cordial relations with distinguished Frenchmen, rather than with a lot of hirsute revolutionaries, with a chorus of musical comedy officers, whose one idea was to cheat us, rather than with the Arabs, who would have been loyal partners for us. **14 February 1945. * In order to persuade Britain to pack up, to compel her to make peace, it was essential to rob her of her hope of being able still to confront us, on the continent itself, with an adversary of a stature equal to our own. ** 15 February 1945 &mdash; discussing the reasons for the invasion of the Soviet Union. * I have never liked France or the French, and I have never stopped saying so. **15 February 1945. * Our Italian ally has been a source of embarrassment to us everywhere. It was this alliance, for instance, which prevented us from pursuing a revolutionary policy in North Africa. In the nature of things, this territory was becoming an Italian preserve and it was as such that the Duce laid claim to it. Had we been on our own, we could have emancipated the Moslem countries dominated by France; and that would have had enormous repercussions in the Near East, dominated by Britain, and in Egypt. But with our fortunes linked to those of the Italians, the pursuit of such a policy was not possible. All Islam vibrated at the news of our victories. The Egyptians, the Irakis and the whole of the Near East were all ready to rise in revolt. Just think what we could have done to help them, even to incite them, as would have been both our duty and in our own interest! But the presence of the Italians at our side paralysed us; it created a feeling of malaise among our Islamic friends, who inevitably saw in us accomplices, willing or unwilling, of their oppressors. For the Italians in these parts of the world are more bitterly hated, of course, than either the British or the French. The memories of the barbarous, reprisals taken against the Senussi are still vivid. Then again the ridiculous pretensions of the Duce to be regarded as The Sword of Islam evokes the same sneering chuckle now as it did before the war. This title, which is fitting for Mahomed and a great conqueror like Omar, Mussolini caused to be conferred on himself by a few wretched brutes whom he had either bribed or terrorized into doing so. We had a great chance of pursuing a splendid policy with regard to Islam. But we missed the bus, as we missed it on several other occasions, thanks to our loyalty to the Italian alliance! In this theatre of operations, then, the Italians prevented us from playing our best card, the emancipation of the French subjects and the raising of the standard of revolt in the countries oppressed by the British. Such a policy would have aroused the enthusiasm of the whole of Islam. It is a characteristic of the Moslem world, from the shores of the Atlantic to those of the Pacific, that what affects one, for good or for evil, affects all. **17 February 1945. * Life does not forgive weakness. **17 February 1945. * The universalists, the idealists, the Utopians all aim too high. They give promises of an unattainable paradise, and by doing so they deceive mankind. Whatever label they wear, whether they call themselves Christians, Communists, humanitarians, whether they are merely sincere but stupid or wire-pullers and cynics, they are all makers of slaves. I myself have always kept my eye fixed on a paradise which, in the nature of things, lies well within our reach. I mean an improvement in the lot of the German people. **21 February 1945. * Furthermore, thanks to the Marxist religion, they (the Russians) have everything required to make them patient. They have been promised happiness on earth (a feature which distinguishes Marxism from the Christian religion)&mdash;but in the future. The Jew, Mardochee Marx, like the good Jew that he was, was awaiting the coming of the Messiah. He has placed the Messiah conception in a setting of historic materialism by asserting that terrestrial happiness is a factor in an almost endless process of evolution. "Happiness is within your reach," he says, "that I promise you. But you must let evolution take its course and not try to hurry matters." Mankind always falls for a specious trick of that sort... Lenin did not have the time, but Stalin will carry on the good work, and so on and so on... Marxism is a very powerful force. But how shall we assess Christianity, that other child of Judaism, which will not commit itself further than to promise the faithful happiness in another world? Believe me, it is incomparably stronger! **25 February 1945. * I have been Europe's last hope. She proved incapable of refashioning herself by means of voluntary reform. She showed herself impervious to charm and persuasion. To take her I had to use violence. **26 February. * The peoples of Islam will always be closer to us than, for example, France. **2 April 1945. * With the defeat of the Reich and pending the emergence of the Asiatic, the African and, perhaps, the South American nationalisms, there will remain in the world only two Great Powers capable of confronting each other&mdash;the United States and Soviet Russia. The laws of both history and geography will compel these two Powers to a trial of strength, either military or in the fields of economics and ideology. **2 April 1945. ===''[[Hitler: Memoirs of a Confidant]]'' (1978) === <small>Attributed by {{w|Otto Wagener}} in ''{{w|Hitler: Memoirs of a Confidant}}'', editor, {{w|Henry Ashby Turner, Jr.}}, {{w|Yale University Press}} (1985)</small> * In the past—that is, for most people it is still the present-the individual is everything, everything is directed at maintaining his life and improving his existence, everything focuses on him. ... In socialism of the future, on the other hand, what counts is the whole, the [[W:Volksgemeinschaft#Nazi Volksgemeinschaft|community of the Volk]]. The individual and his life play only a subsidiary role. He can be sacrificed—he is prepared to sacrifice himself should the whole demand it. ** p. 16 * Aren't these [[liberals]], those reprobate defenders of [[W:Individualism#Liberalism|individualism]], ashamed to see the tears of the mothers and wives, or don't these cold-blooded accountants even notice? Have they already grown so inhuman that they are no longer capable of feeling? It is understandable why bolshevism simply removed such creatures. They were worthless to humanity, nothing but an encumbrance to their [[W:Volk (German word)#Nazi era|Volk]]. Even the bees get rid of the drones when they can no longer be of service to the hive. The Bolshevik procedures are thus quite natural. ** pp.16-17 * But first, there will have to be national socialism. Otherwise the people and their governments are not ready for the socialism of nations. It is not possible to be liberal to one's own country and demand socialism among nations. ** p. 170 * What Marxism, Leninism and Stalinism failed to accomplish, we shall be in a position to achieve. ** p. 149 * After all, that's exactly why we call ourselves National Socialists! We want to start by implementing [[W:Right-wing socialism|socialism]] in our nation among our Volk! It is not until the individual nations are socialist that they can address themselves to international socialism. ** p. 288 * But we National Socialists wish precisely to attract all socialists, even the Communists; we wish to win them over from their international camp to the national one. ** p. 26 {{disputed end}} {{Misattributed begin}} == Misattributed == *The great masses of people will more easily fall victims to a big lie than to a small one. Especially if it is repeated again and again. **''Variant'': The bigger/more blatant a lie, the more people will believe it. ***This misquote could possibly have two possible sources: an abridged version of a [[Adolf_Hitler#Vol_I|paragraph]] in Mein Kampf regarding the [[w:Big Lie|Big Lie]], or a report by the United States [[w:Office of Strategic Services|Office of Strategic Services]] about Hitler's psychological profile[http://www.nizkor.org/hweb/people/h/hitler-adolf/oss-papers/text/oss-profile-03-02.html]. The second version is very close to an actual quote by [[Joseph Goebbels]]. * We are socialists, we are enemies of today's capitalistic economic system for the exploitation of the economically weak, with its unfair salaries, with its unseemly evaluation of a human being according to wealth and property instead of responsibility and performance, and we are all determined to destroy this system under all conditions. **This misattribution is sourced from John Toland. In ''Adolf Hitler: The Definitive Biography'' (1976), it is attributed to Hitler in a speech of May 1, 1927. It is recorded in ''Thoughts about the Tasks of the Future'' by Gregor Strasser on June 15, 1926. *The streets of our country are in turmoil. The universities are filled with students rebelling and rioting. Communists are seeking to destroy our country. Russia is threatening us with her might and the Republic is in danger. Yes, danger from within and from without. We need law and order. Yes, without law and order our nation cannot survive. Elect us and we shall restore law and order. **Reported as refuted in the ''Congressional Record'': Lou Hiner, Jr., "Hitler's Phony Quotation on Law and Order", May 21, 1970, vol. 116, pp. 1676–77, reprinted from the ''Indianapolis News''; and M. Stanton Evans, "The Hitler Quote", August 11, 1970, vol. 116, p. 28349, reprinted from the ''National Review Bulletin'' (August 18, 1970). *This year will go down in history! For the first time, a civilized nation has full gun registration! Our streets will be safer, our police more efficient, and the world will follow our lead into the future! :*Bernard Harcourt of the University of Chicago Law School said this is "probably a fraud and was likely never uttered" in Bernard E. Harcourt: "On gun registration, the NRA, Adolf Hitler, and Nazi gun laws: Exploding the gun culture wars", June 2004, University of Chicago Public Law and Legal Theory Working Paper No. 67, pp. 9–10. *I am beginning with the young. We older ones are used up. Yes, we are old already. We are rotten to the marrow. We have no unrestrained instincts left. We are cowardly and sentimental. We are bearing the burden of a humiliating past, and have in our blood the dull recollection of serfdom and servility. But my magnificent youngsters! Are there finer ones anywhere in the world? Look at these young men and boys! What material! With them, I can make a new world. **Adolf Hitler c. 1933; as quoted in [http://books.google.com/books?id=PndurCstDZMC&pg=PA251 ''Hitler Speaks''] (1939), by Hermann Rauschning, London: Thornton Butterworth, p. 247. * The best way to take control over a people and control them utterly is to take a little of their freedom at a time, to erode their rights by a thousand tiny and almost imperceptible reductions. In this way the people will not see those rights and freedoms being removed until past the point at which those changes can be reversed. ** Fake quote, according to [http://www.snopes.com/hitler-control-quote/ ''snopes.com''] (11 Jan 2016) * The only religion I respect is Islam. The only prophet I admire is the Prophet Muhammad. ** Found in [[W:George Michael (professor)|George Michael]]'s 2006 book, ''{{w|The Enemy of My Enemy}}'',<ref>[https://books.google.com/books?id=RvLtAAAAMAAJ&q=%22the+only+religion+i+respect+is+islam%22 1]</ref> and also in Jake Neuman's 2015 book, ''Islam Sharia Law and Jihad are Treason''.<ref>[https://books.google.com/books?id=HjKKCgAAQBAJ&pg=PA203&dq="the+only+religion+i+respect+is+islam" 2]</ref> * Only one thing could have stopped our movement – if our adversaries had understood its principle and from the first day smashed with the utmost brutality the nucleus of our new movement. ** Only partially true. The full quote: ***Only one danger could have jeopardised this development – if our adversaries had understood its principle, established a clear understanding of these ideas, and not offered any resistance. Or, alternatively, if they had from the first day annihilated with the utmost brutality the nucleus of our new movement. ** He thought that if his adversaries had ignored the 'weakest' elements of his movement, they would harm the party. See ''[https://zuriz.wordpress.com/2013/10/06/smashing-the-nucleus/ zuriz]'' for more. {{misattributed end}} == Quotes about Hitler == === Quotes before the end of World War II === (Note: many of the worst atrocities of Hitler's regime did not start to become widely known until the final months of this war) :<small>Sorted chronologically</small><!-- quotes of unknown date are at the bottom of this sub-section--> * He is credibly credited with being actuated by lofty, unselfish patriotism. He probably does not know himself just what he wants to accomplish. The keynote of his propaganda in speaking and writing is violent anti-Semitism. His followers are nicknamed the "Hakenkreuzler." So violent are Hitler's fulminations against the Jews that a number of prominent Jewish citizens are reported to have sought safe asylums in the [[w:Bavaria|Bavarian]] highlands, easily reached by fast motor cars, whence they could hurry their women and children when forewarned of an anti-Semitic [[w:St. Bartholomew's massacre|St. Bartholomew's night]]. * But several reliable, well-informed sources confirmed the idea that Hitler's anti-Semitism was not so genuine or violent as it sounded, and that he was merely using anti-Semitic [[propaganda]] as a bait to catch masses of followers and keep them aroused, enthusiastic, and in line for the time when his organization is perfected and sufficiently powerful to be employed effectively for political purposes. * A sophisticated politician credited Hitler with peculiar political cleverness for laying emphasis and over-emphasis on anti-Semitism, saying: "You can't expect the masses to understand or appreciate your finer real aims. You must feed the masses with cruder morsels and ideas like anti-Semitism. It would be politically all wrong to tell them the truth about where you really are leading them." ** Cyril Brown writing in ''The New York Times'' (November 21, 1922)[http://query.nytimes.com/mem/archive-free/pdf?res=9A0CE0D91E3EEE3ABC4951DFB7678389639EDE] * Most respected and dear Hitler, ... It is hardly surprising that a man like that can give peace to a poor suffering spirit! Especially when he is dedicated to the service of the fatherland. My faith in Germandom has not wavered for a moment, though my hopes were—I confess—at a low ebb. With one stroke you have transformed the state of my soul. That Germany, in the hour of her greatest need, brings forth a Hitler—that is proof of her vitality ... that the magnificent Ludendorff openly supports you and your movement: What wonderful confirmation! I can now go untroubled to sleep ... May God protect you! ** Houston Stewart Chamberlain, quoted in ''The Nazi Germany Sourcebook: An Anthology of Texts'' by Roderick Stackelberg and Sally Anne Winkle, 7 October 1923 * [[Vladimir Lenin|Lenin]] is the greatest man, second only to Hitler, and that the difference between Communism and the Hitler faith is very slight. ** [[w:Joseph Goebbels| Joseph Goebbels]], ''The New York Times'', "Hitlerite Riot in Berlin: Beer Glasses Fly When Speaker Compares Hitler to Lenin," November 28, 1925 (Goebbels' speech Nov. 27, 1925) * You have delivered up our holy German Fatherland to one of the greatest demagogues of all time. I solemnly prophesy that this accursed man will cast our Reich into the abyss and bring inconceivable misery upon our nation. Future generations will curse you in your grave for your action. ** [[Erich Ludendorff]] to [[w:Paul von Hindenburg|Paul von Hindenburg]] after he appointed Hitler to Chancellor as quoted in ''Hitler 1889&ndash;1936: Hubris'' by [[Ian Kershaw]] (page 427). * ''Herr Hitler är en förolämpning.'' ** Mr. Hitler is an insult. ** [[w:Torgny Segerstedt|Torgny Segerstedt]] in ''Göteborgs Handels- och Sjöfartstidning'' (3 February 1933). ** The article spurred [[Hermann Göring]] to [http://www.erixon.com/2/segerstedt.htm send a protest telegram] where he condemned the newspaper for its publication. * Among the higher leadership [in the Nazi Party], while there is still a certain unity, personalities are beginning to play a constantly greater part. Hitler is perhaps more powerful than before, but he becomes more and more a figure separated from actualities. He depends a great deal on [[Rudolf Hess|Hess]], who is really his confidential man now and whom it is likely he may make Foreign Minister. [[Hermann Göring|Goering]] and [[Goebbels]] still remain good comrades of Hitler and are undoubtedly attached to him, but the difference between Goering and Goebbels are becoming more evident. Goering is more moderate, while Goebbels, sensing the feeling of the masses and being above all an opportunist is becoming more radical. If it would come to a show-down between the radical and moderate elements, Goering would, however, undoubtedly be likely to be on the radical side as the one having the more chances. [...] If this Government remains in power for another year and carries on in the same measure in this direction, it will go far towards making Germany a danger to [[world peace]] for years to come.<br> This is a very disjointed and incoherent letter. I am dictating it under pressure as I wish to catch the courier pouch. What I do want to say really is that for the present this country is headed in directions which can only carry ruin to it and will create a situation here dangerous to world peace. With few exceptions, the men who are running this Government are of a mentality that you and I cannot understand. Some of them are psychopathic cases and would ordinarily be receiving treatment somewhere. Others are exalted and in a frame of mind that knows no reason. The majority are woefully ignorant and unprepared for the tasks which they have to carry through every day. Those men in the party and in responsible positions who are really worth-while, and there are quite a number of these, are powerless because they have to follow the orders of superiors who are suffering from the abnormal [[psychology]] prevailing in the country. ** [[w:George S. Messersmith|George S. Messersmith]], U.S. Consul General at Berlin to the Under Secretary of State, William Phillips, [http://udspace.udel.edu/handle/19716/6176 letter dated 26 June 1933] * For what is healthy and what is sick, every people and age gives itself its own law, according to the inner greatness and extension of its existence. Now the German people are in the process of rediscovering their own essence and making themselves worthy of their great destiny. Adolf Hitler, our great Führer and chancellor, created, through the National Socialist revolution, a new state by which the people will assure itself anew of the duration and continuity of its history.... For every people, the first warranty of is authenticity and greatness is in its blood, its soil, and its physical growth. If it loses this good or even only allows it to become considerably weakened, all effort at state politics, all economic and technical ability, all spiritual action will remain in the end null and void. ** [[Martin Heidegger]], lecture at [[w:University of Freiburg|Freiburg University]], August 1933; as quoted by Emmanuel Faye (2009), ''Heidegger, The Introduction of Nazism into Philosophy in Light of the Unpublished Seminars of 1933-1935'', Yale University Press, transl. Michael B. Smith, p. 68. * I don't like the look of him. ** [[Benito Mussolini]], to his aide after his first encounter with Hitler (1934), as quoted in The Gathering Storm (1946) by Winston Churchill * You will be interested to know that your work has played a powerful part in shaping the opinions of the group of [[Intellectual|intellectuals]] who are behind Hitler in this epoch-making program. Everywhere I sensed that their opinions have been tremendously stimulated by American thought... ** [[w:Charles Goethe|Charles Goethe]], writing to a colleague about American eugenics inspiring Hitler and other Nazi officials (1934), as quoted by Edwin Black, "[http://www.sfgate.com/opinion/article/Eugenics-and-the-Nazis-the-California-2549771.php Eugenics and the Nazis: The California Connection]", ''The San Francisco Gate'', Nov. 9, 2003 * You [Hitler] may successfully resist any and all men, but you cannot successfully resist Jehovah God. ... In the name of [[Jehovah]] God and His anointed King, Christ [[Jesus]], I demand that you give order to all officials and servants of your government that Jehovah's witnesses in Germany be permitted to peaceably assemble and without hindrance worship God. ** [[Joseph Franklin Rutherford]], cited in ''[[w:Awake!|Awake!]]'' magazine, 1995, 8/22, article: ''The Evils of Nazism Exposed'' ** On February 9, 1934, J. F. Rutherford, the president of the Watch Tower Society, sent a letter of protest to Hitler stating these words. As the Nazi rage against Jehovah's Witnesses reached new heights, the Witnesses' denunciations became ever more scathing. The May 15, 1940, issue of Consolation stated: "Hitler is such a perfect child of the Devil that these speeches and decisions flow through him like water through a well-built sewer". * One may dislike Hitler's system and yet admire his patriotic achievement. If our country were defeated, I hope we should find a champion as indomitable to restore our courage and lead us back to our place among the nations. ** [[Winston Churchill]], "Hitler and His Choice" in ''The Strand'' magazine (November 1935). [[File:Destruction in a Berlin street.jpg|thumb|We cannot tell whether Hitler will be the man who will once again let loose upon the world another war in which civilisation will irretrievably succumb, or whether he will go down in history as the man who restored honour and peace of mind to the [[Germany|Great Germanic nation]] (1935). ~ [[Winston Churchill]]]] * We cannot tell whether Hitler will be the man who will once again let loose upon the world another war in which civilisation will irretrievably succumb, or whether he will go down in history as the man who restored honour and peace of mind to the [[Germany|Great Germanic nation]]. ** [[Winston Churchill]], "Hitler and His Choice" in ''The Strand'' magazine (November 1935). * The [[w:Sir John Simon|Chancellor of the Exchequer]] said it was the first time Herr Hitler had been made to retract – I think that was the word – in any degree. We really must not waste time after all this long Debate upon the difference between the [[w:Munich Agreement|positions reached at Berchtesgaden, at Godesberg and at Munich]]. They can be very simply epitomised, if the House will permit me to vary the metaphor. £1 was demanded at the pistol’s point. When it was given, £2 were demanded at the pistol’s point. Finally, the dictator consented to take £1 17s. 6d. and the rest in promises of goodwill for the future. ** [[Winston Churchill]], [https://winstonchurchill.org/resources/speeches/1930-1938-the-wilderness/the-munich-agreement/ On the Munich Agreement], 5 October 1938 * [W]hen Hitler says that "the State dominates the nation because it alone represents it," he is only putting into loose popular language the formula of [[Hegel]], that "the State is the general substance, whereof individuals are but accidents." ** [[Albert Jay Nock]], ''Our Enemy, The State'', Caldwell, ID, The Caxton Printers (1950) pp. 21-22, first published in 1935 * Hitler set up a [[tyranny]]: a state with a mighty [[police]] force, a growing [[Military|army]], a host of spies and informers, a secret [[espionage]], backed by swift and cruel [[punishment]], which migh vary from loss of job to [[Prison|imprisonment]], incommunicado and without [[Trials|trial]], to cold [[Homicide|murder]]. ** [[W. E. B. Du Bois]], ''The Hitler State'', ''Writing on National Socialism'', ''Pittsburgh Courier'', December 12, 1936. Republished in {{cite book |editor1-last=Aptheker |editor1-first=Herbert |editor1-link=w:Herbert Aptheker |title=Newspaper Columns: 1883-1944 |date=1986 |publisher=Kraus-Thomson Organization |isbn=978-0-527-25347-9 |page=145 |url=https://books.google.com/books?hl=en&id=iq9aAAAAMAAJ&dq=%22a+state+with+a+mighty+police+force%2C+a+growing+army%2C+a+host+of+spies+and+informers%2C+a+secret+espionage%2C+backed+by+swift+and+cruel+punishment%2C%22&focus=searchwithinvolume&q=%22Hitler+set+up+a+tyranny%3A+a+state+with+a+mighty+police+force%2C+a+growing+army%2C+a+host+of+spies+and+informers%2C+a+secret+espionage%2C+backed+by+swift+and+cruel+punishment%2C+which+migh+vary+from+loss+of+job+to+imprisonment%2C+incommunicado+and+without+trial%2C+to+cold+murder.%22}} * You protest, and with [[justice]], each time Hitler jails an opponent; but you forget that [[Stalin]] and company have jailed and murdered a thousand times as many. It seems to me, and indeed the evidence is plain, that compared to the [[Moscow]] brigands and [[Assassination|assassins]], Hitler is hardly more than a common [[Ku Klux Klan|Ku Kluxer]] and [[Mussolini]] almost a philanthropist. ** [[H. L. Mencken]], in an open letter to [[Upton Sinclair]], printed in ''The American Mercury'', June 1936. * Hitler is a very great man, like an inspired religious leader, and as such rather fanatical, but not scheming, not selfish, not greedy for power, but a mystic, a visionary who really wants the best for his country. ** [[Anne Morrow Lindbergh]], quoted in ''Lindbergh'' by A. Scott Berg, 5 August 1936 * I thank heaven for a man like Adolf Hitler, who built a front line of defense against the [[Antichrist|anti-Christ]] of Communism. ** [[Frank Buchman]], [http://content.time.com/time/subscriber/article/0,33009,802554,00.html in an interview to the New York World-Telegram], 25 August 1936 * He is a very great man. "Führer" is the proper name for him, for he is a born leader, yes, and statesman. ** [[David Lloyd George]], A. J. Sylvester's diary entry (4 September 1936), Colin Cross (ed.), Life with Lloyd George. The Diary of A. J. Sylvester 1931-45 (London: Macmillan, 1975), p. 148. * I have never met a happier people than the Germans and Hitler is one of the greatest men. The old trust him; the young idolise him. It is the worship of a national hero who has saved his country. **[[David Lloyd George]], ''Daily Express'', September 17, 1936. *Hitler didn't snub me; it was [[Franklin D. Roosevelt|our president]] who snubbed me. The president didn't even send me a telegram. **[[Jesse Owens]] (15 October 1936), as quoted in [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:BookSources/978-0-618-68822-7 ''Triumph: The Untold Story of Jesse Owens and Hitler's Olympics''] (2007), by Jeremy Schaap, New York: Houghton Mifflin Harcourt, p. 211. *I have just returned from a visit to Germany. ... I have now seen the famous German leader and also something of the great change he has effected. Whatever one may think of his methods — and they are certainly not those of a Parliamentary country — there can be no doubt that he has achieved a marvellous transformation in the spirit of the people, in their attitude towards each other, and in their social and economic outlook.<br>One man has accomplished this miracle. He is a born leader of men. A magnetic dynamic personality with a single-minded purpose, a resolute will, and a dauntless heart. He is the national Leader. He is also securing them against that constant dread of starvation which is one of the most poignant memories of the last years of the war and the first years of the Peace. The establishment of a German hegemony in Europe which was the aim and dream of the old prewar militarism, is not even on the horizon of Nazism. ** [[David Lloyd George]], ''The Daily Express'' (17 November 1936) * As I talked to him, I could not but think of [[Joan of Arc]]. He is distinctly a mystic. Hewel was telling me that the German people, many of them, begin to feel that he was a mission from God, and some of them would seek to reverence him almost as a God. He said Hitler himself tries to avoid that kind of thing. He dislikes any of them thinking of him as anything but a humble citizen who is trying to serve his country well. He is a teetotaler and also a [[Vegetarianism|vegetarian]]. Is unmarried, abstemist in all his habits and ways. Indeed his life as one gathers it from those who are closest to him would appear to be that very much of a recluse, excepting that he comes in contact with youth and large number of people from time to time. ** [[William Lyon Mackenzie King]], [https://www.junobeach.org/fr/canada-in-wwii/articles/agression-et-impunite/w-l-mackenzie-kings-diary-june-29-1937-2/ in his diary], 29 June 1937 * [The Fuehrer] is one of those lonely men of the ages on whom history is not tested, but who themselves are the makers of history. ** [[Benito Mussolini]], as quoted in ''The Rise and Fall of the Third Reich'' by William L. Shirer, 28 September 1937 * For Hitler first hatred was not Communism, but [[w:Austria-Hungary|Austria-Hungary]]... And he loathed it for what? For its tolerance! He wanted eighty million Germans to rule with an iron hand an empire of eighty million 'inferiors'—Czechs, Slovaks, Magyars, Jews, Serbs, Poles and Croats. ** [[Dorothy Thompson]], "Let the Record Speak", Boston: MA, Houghton Mifflin Company (1939) p. 136 (newspaper column: "Write it Down," February 18, 1938) * Hitler was right in one thing. He calls the Jewish people a race and we are a race. ** Rabbi [[w:Stephen Samuel Wise|Stephen S. Wise]], (1938). "Dr. Wise Urges Jews To Declare Selves As Such." ''New York Herald Tribune'', 13 June 1938. p. 12. *I doubt whether [[Neville Chamberlain|Chamberlain]] or the Government yet realise the nature of the man with whom they are dealing, or his ultimate ambitions. Hitler is devoid of all honour and scruples. He has no regard for pledges, conventions or life. He is, in fact, evil. **[[w:Sir Horace Rumbold, 9th Baronet|Horace Rumbold]] to his son (22 September 1938), quoted in Martin Gilbert, ''Sir Horace Rumbold: Portrait of a Diplomat, 1869–1941'' (1973), p. 437 * In Germany the common people are peace-loving, ... The [[Devil]] has put his representative Hitler in control, a man who is of unsound mind, cruel, malicious and ruthless . . . He cruelly persecutes the Jews because they were once Jehovah's covenant people and bore the name of [[Jehovah]], and because Christ Jesus was a Jew. ** [[Joseph Franklin Rutherford]], cited in ''[[w:Awake!|Awake!]]'' magazine, 1995, 8/22, article: ''The Evils of Nazism Exposed'' ** On October 2, 1938, he delivered the address "Fascism or Freedom," in which he denounced Hitler in no uncertain terms. Rutherford regularly took to the airwaves, delivering powerful lectures on the satanic nature of Nazism. The lectures were rebroadcast globally and were printed for distribution by the millions. *Adolf Hitler never considered the domination of Europe as an end in itself. European conquest was but a step toward ultimate goals in all the other continents. It is unmistakably apparent to all of us that, unless the advance of Hitlerism is forcibly checked now, the Western Hemisphere will be within range of the Nazi weapons of destruction. **[[Franklin D. Roosevelt]], Radio Address Announcing an Unlimited National Emergency. Online by Gerhard Peters and John T. Woolley, The American Presidency Project https://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/node/209607 * I have always said that if [[United Kingdom|Great Britain]] were defeated in war I hoped we should find a Hitler to lead us back to our rightful position among the nations. I am sorry, however, that he has not been mellowed by the great success that has attended him. The whole world would rejoice to see the Hitler of [[peace]] and [[tolerance]], and nothing would adorn his name in world history so much as acts of [[Greatness|magnanimity]] and of [[mercy]] and of [[pity]] to the forlorn and friendless, to the weak and poor... Let this great man search his own heart and conscience before he accuses anyone of being a warmonger. ** [[Winston Churchill]], "Mr. Churchill's Reply" in ''The Times'' (7 November 1938) This was in response to Hitler denouncing Churchill as a "warmonger". * Most cruel joke of all, however, has been played by Hitler & Co. on those German capitalists and small businessmen who once backed National Socialism as a means of saving Germany's bourgeois economic structure from radicalism. The Nazi credo that the individual belongs to the state also applies to business. Some businesses have been confiscated outright, on others what amounts to a capital tax has been levied. Profits have been strictly controlled. Some idea of the increasing Governmental control and interference in business could be deduced from the fact that 80% of all building and 50% of all industrial orders in Germany originated last year with the Government. Hard-pressed for foodstuffs as well as funds, the Nazi regime has taken over large estates and in many instances collectivized agriculture, a procedure fundamentally similar to Russian Communism. ** "Adolf Hitler: Man of the Year, 1938", ''[[w:Time (magazine)|Time]]''; January 2, 1939. * There is no question but that '''Hitler belongs in the category of the truly mystic medicine man.''' As somebody commented about him at the last Nürnberg party congress, since the time of [[Muhammad|Mohammed]] nothing like it has been seen in this world. '''His body does not suggest strength. The outstanding characteristic of his physiognomy is its dreamy look.''' I was especially struck by that when I saw pictures taken of him in the Czechoslovakian crisis; '''there was in his eyes the look of a seer. This markedly mystic characteristic of Hitler's is what makes him do things which seem to us illogical, inexplicable, and unreasonable. ... So you see, Hitler is a medicine man, a spiritual vessel, a demi-deity or, even better, a myth.''' ** [[Carl Jung]], During an interview with H. R.<!-- Hubert Renfro --> Knickerbocker, first published in ''Hearst's International Cosmopolitan'' (January 1939), in which Jung was asked to diagnose [[Adolf Hitler]], [[Benito Mussolini]], and [[Joseph Stalin]], later published in ''Is Tomorrow Hitler's?'' (1941), by H. R. Knickerbocker, also published in ''The Seduction of Unreason : The Intellectual Romance with Fascism'' (2004) by Richard Wolin, Ch. 2 : Prometheus Unhinged : C. G. Jung and the Temptations of Aryan Religion, p. 75. * '''No nation keeps its word. A nation is a big, blind [[Worms|worm]], following what? Fate perhaps. A nation has no [[Honor|honour]], it has no word to keep. ... Hitler is himself the nation. That incidentally is why Hitler always has to talk so loud, even in private conversation — because he is speaking with 78 million voices.''' ** [[Carl Jung]], During an interview with H. R.<!-- Hubert Renfro --> Knickerbocker (1939), quoted in ''A Life of Jung'' (2002) by Ronald Hayman, p. 360 * We do not know whether Hitler is going to found a new Islam. He is already on the way; he is like Mohammad. The emotion in Germany is Islamic; warlike and Islamic. They are all drunk with wild god. That can be the historic future. **[[Carl Jung]], The Symbolic Life, 1939. * It is quite clear that you are today the one person in the world who can prevent a war which may reduce humanity to the savage state. Must you pay that price for an object however worthy it may appear to you to be? Will you listen to the appeal of one who has deliberately shunned the method of war not without considerable success? **[[Mahatma Gandhi]]. Letter addressed to Hitler. 23 July 1939 (Collected Works, vol. 70, pp. 20–21). Quoted from [[Koenraad Elst]]: Return of the Swastika (2007). (Also in [https://web.archive.org/web/20100310135408/http://koenraadelst.bharatvani.org/articles/fascism/gandhihitler.html])<!--- Also in [[Elst, Koenraad]] (2018). Why I killed the Mahatma: Uncovering Godse's defence. New Delhi : Rupa, 2018. Appendix 3. ---> *[[w:Ivone Kirkpatrick|Kirkpatrick]]...says...that once one begins to work with him, or sees him dealing with great affairs, one has such a sense of evil arrogance that one is almost nauseated. He confesses that he has been rendered physically sick by some of the interviews that he has witnessed. [[Evil]] and [[Betrayal|treachery]] and malice dart into Hitler's mystic eyes. ... We asked Kirkpatrick what gave him his sense of actual evil. He said that after Hitler had flown from [[w:Godesberg|Godesberg]] to Munich to murder Roehm, he returned in the very highest spirits, mimicking to his secretary the gestures of fear which [[Ernst Röhm|Roehm]] had made. **[[Harold Nicolson]]'s diary (30 August 1939), quoted in Harold Nicolson, ''Diaries and Letters, 1930–1939'', ed. Nigel Nicolson (1966), pp. 414–415 *He failed to realise why his military-cum-[[Police state|police tyranny]] should be repugnant to British ideals of individual and national freedom and liberty, or why he should not be allowed a free hand in Central and Eastern Europe to subjugate smaller and, as he regards them, inferior peoples to superior German rule and culture. He believed he could buy British acquiescence in his own far-reaching schemes by offers of alliance with and guarantees for the British Empire. Such acquiescence was indispensable to the success of his ambitions and he worked unceasingly to secure it. His great mistake was his complete failure to understand the inherent British sense of morality, humanity and freedom. **[[w:Nevile Henderson|Nevile Henderson]], British Ambassador to Germany, final report to the British Foreign Secretary (20 September 1939), quoted in ''The Times'' (18 October 1939), p. 7 *[[w:Carl Jacob Burckhardt|Burckhardt]] ... says that Hitler has a dual personality, the first being that of the rather gentle artist, and the second that of the homicidal maniac. He is convinced that Hitler has no complete confidence in himself and that his actions are really governed by somnambulist certainty. He says that the main energy in Hitler is an energy of hatred, and that he has never met any human being capable of generating so terrific a condensation of envy, vituperation and malice. **[[Harold Nicolson]]'s diary (3 October 1939), quoted in Harold Nicolson, ''Diaries and Letters, 1939–1945'', ed. Nigel Nicolson (1967), p. 39 * The "Conqueror from Berlin," as he has named himself, has completely conquered Germany. And not only that. Unfortunately, many, all too many Germans living abroad, also have fallen for the cunning propaganda. ** [[w:Friedrich Kellner|Friedrich Kellner]], ''[[w:My Opposition|My Opposition]]'', Diary entry of 24 October 1939. * (pg 59) [Hitler] was profoundly imbued with German paganism, more so, perhaps, than Ludendorff or Rosenberg himself.<br>(pg 93) Hitler is an atheist. **[[w:Otto Strasser | Otto Strasser]], ''Hitler and I'', Boston: MA, Houghton Mifflin Company (1940) * Hitler could not have succeeded against his many [[Rivalry|rivals]] if it had not been for the attraction of his own [[personality]], which one can feel even in the clumsy writing of ''[[Mein Kampf]]'', and which is no doubt overwhelming when one hears his [[Public speaking|speeches]]. I should like to put it on record that I have never been able to dislike Hitler. Ever since he came to power—till then, like nearly everyone, I had been deceived into thinking that he did not matter—I have reflected that I would certainly kill him if I could get within reach of him, but that I could feel no personal animosity. The fact is that there is something deeply appealing about him. One feels it again when one sees his [[Photography|photographs]]—and I recommend especially the photograph at the beginning of Hurst and Blackett's edition, which shows Hitler in his early Brownshirt days. It is a pathetic, dog-like face, the face of a man suffering under intolerable wrongs. In a rather more manly way it reproduces the expression of innumerable pictures of Christ crucified, and there is little doubt that that is how Hitler sees himself. The initial, personal cause of his grievance against the universe can only be guessed at; but at any rate the grievance is there. He is the martyr, the victim, [[Prometheus]] chained to the rock, the self-sacrificing hero who fights single-handed against impossible odds. If he were killing a mouse he would know how to make it seem like a dragon. One feels, as with [[Napoleon I of France|Napoleon]], that he is fighting against destiny, that he ''can't'' win, and yet that he somehow deserves to. The attraction of such a pose is of course enormous; half the films that one sees turn upon some such theme.<br>Also he has grasped the falsity of the [[Hedonism|hedonistic]] attitude to life. Nearly all western thought since the last war, certainly all "[[Progressivism|progressive]]" thought, has assumed tacitly that human beings desire nothing beyond ease, security and avoidance of pain. In such a view of life there is no room, for instance, for patriotism and military virtues. The Socialist who finds his children playing with soldiers is usually upset, but he is never able to think of a substitute for the tin soldiers; tin pacifists somehow won't do. Hitler, because in his own joyless mind he feels it with exceptional [[strength]], knows that [[Human|human beings]] ''don't'' only want [[comfort]], safety, short working-hours, hygiene, [[Birth control|birth-control]] and, in general, [[common sense]]; they also, at least intermittently, want [[Fighting|struggle]] and [[self-sacrifice]], not to mention [[Drum|drums]], [[Flag|flags]] and loyalty-parades. However they may be as economic theories, [[Fascism]] and Nazism are psychologically far sounder than any hedonistic conception of life. The same is probably true of [[Stalinism|Stalin's militarised version of Socialism]]. All three of the great [[Dictatorship|dictators]] have enhanced their power by imposing intolerable burdens on their peoples. Whereas Socialism, and even capitalism in a more grudging way, have said to people "I offer you a good time," Hitler has said to them "I offer you struggle, danger and death," and as a result a whole nation flings itself at his feet. Perhaps later on they will get sick of it and change their minds, as at the end of the last war. After a few years of [[Death|slaughter]] and [[starvation]] "Greatest happiness of the greatest number" is a good slogan, but at this moment "Better an end with horror than a horror without end" is a winner. Now that we are fighting against the man who coined it, we ought not to underrate its emotional appeal. ** [[George Orwell]], [http://boingboing.net/2014/08/17/orwells-review-of-mein-kampf.html Review of ''Mein Kampf''] (March, 1940) * Hitler is a prodigious genius. ** [[David Lloyd George]], A. J. Sylvester's diary entry (7 July 1940), Colin Cross (ed.), ''Life with Lloyd George. The Diary of A. J. Sylvester 1931-45'' (London: Macmillan, 1975), p. 275. * That I address you as a friend is no formality. I own no foes. My business in life has been for the past 33 years to enlist the friendship of the whole of humanity by befriending mankind, irrespective of race, colour or creed. ... But your own writings and pronouncements and those of your friends and admirers leave no room for doubt that many of your acts are monstrous and unbecoming of human dignity, especially in the estimation of men like me who believe in human friendliness. Such are your humiliation of [[w:Czechoslovakia|Czechoslovakia]], the rape of [[Poland]] and the swallowing of [[Denmark]]. I am aware that your view of life regards such spoliations as virtuous acts. But we have been taught from [[childhood]] to regard them as acts degrading [[humanity]]... No spoliator can compass his end without a certain degree of [[Cooperation|co-operation]], willing or unwilling, of the victim.... The rulers may have our land and bodies but not our souls... You are leaving no legacy to your people of which they would feel proud. **[[Mahatma Gandhi]]. Letter to Hitler. 24 December 1940. Quoted from [[Koenraad Elst]]: Return of the Swastika (2007). (Also in [https://web.archive.org/web/20100310135408/http://koenraadelst.bharatvani.org/articles/fascism/gandhihitler.html]) <!--- Also in [[Elst, Koenraad]] (2018). Why I killed the Mahatma: Uncovering Godse's defence. New Delhi : Rupa, 2018. Appendix 3. ---> * I felt, that in the mind of Hitler there was much of spiritual matters, transcending material plans. When I met the Führer he said that since boyhood he had been attracted by Japan. He read carefully reports of Japan's victory over Russia when he was only 17 years old and was impressed by Japan's astonishing strength. ** [[Tomoyuki Yamashita]], quoted in [http://content.time.com/time/subscriber/article/0,33009,773077-2,00.html ''Time''] 1940 * Both [[anti-fascism]] and [[w:Anti-communism|anti-communism]] have utterly lost their meaning since Hitler and Stalin have ceased to conceal their alliance from the world. [...] I predicted the cooperation between the Nazis and Bolsheviks as early as 1925 in my article "Anti-Marxism." ** [[Ludwig von Mises]] ([1940], 1998). <I>Interventionism: An Economic Analysis</i>, trans. Thomas Francis McManus and Heinrich Bund, ed. Bettina Bien Greaves. Irvington-on-Hudson, NY: Foundation for Economic Education, Inc. {{ISBN|1-57246-071-7}} p. xiv. * Hitler does not have a new secret [[weapon]] at his disposal. He does not owe his victory to an excellent [[w:Intelligence service|intelligence service]] which informs him of the plans of his opponents. Even the much-talked-of "[[w:Fifth column|fifth column]]" was not decisive. He won because the supposed opponents were already quite sympathetic to the ideas for which he stood. [...]<br/> An ideological struggle cannot be fought successfully with constant concessions to the principles of the enemy. Those who refute capitalism because it supposedly is inimical to the interest of the masses, those who proclaim "as a matter of course" that after the victory over Hitler the market economy will have to be replaced by a better system and, therefore, everything should be done now to make the government control of business as complete as possible, are actually fighting for totalitarianism.<br/>The "progressives" who today masquerade as "liberals" may rant against "fascism"; yet it is their policy that paves the way for Hitlerism.<br/>Nothing could have been more helpful to the success of the National-Socialist (Nazi) movement than the methods used by the "progressives," denouncing Nazism as a party serving the interests of "capital." ** [[Ludwig von Mises]] ([1940], 1998). <I>Interventionism: An Economic Analysis</i>, trans. Thomas Francis McManus and Heinrich Bund, ed. Bettina Bien Greaves. Irvington-on-Hudson, NY: Foundation for Economic Education, Inc. {{ISBN|1-57246-071-7}} p. 88. * German workers are the most reliable supporters of the Hitler regime. Nazism has won them over completely by eliminating unemployment and by reducing the entrepreneurs to the status of shop managers (Betriebsführer). Big business, shopkeepers, and peasants are disappointed. Labor is well satisfied and will stand by Hitler, unless the war takes a turn which would destroy their hope for a better life after the peace treaty. Only military reverses can deprive Hitler of the backing of the German workers.<br/> The fact that the capitalists and entrepreneurs, faced with the alternative of Communism or Nazism, chose the latter, does not require any further explanation. They preferred to live as shop managers under Hitler than to be "liquidated" as "bourgeois" by Stalin. Capitalists don't like to be killed any more than other people do. What pernicious effects may be produced by believing that the German workers are opposed to Hitler was proved by the English tactics during the first year of the war. The government of Neville Chamberlain firmly believed that the war would be brought to an end by a revolution of the German workers. Instead of concentrating on vigorous arming and fighting, they had their planes drop leaflets over Germany telling the German workers that England was not fighting this war against them, but against their oppressor, Hitler. The English government knew very well, they said, that the German people, particularly labor, were against war and were only forced into it by their self-imposed dictator. ** [[Ludwig von Mises]] ([1940], 1998). <I>Interventionism: An Economic Analysis</i>, trans. Thomas Francis McManus and Heinrich Bund, ed. Bettina Bien Greaves. Irvington-on-Hudson, NY: Foundation for Economic Education, Inc. {{ISBN|1-57246-071-7}} p. 89. * ...we find an article in ''Harper's'' describing with a good deal of gusto the financial operations of the Hitler regime. We are told that we must not let the brutality of German political policy "divert our attention from the German financial program. <i>It is revolutionary and it is successful.</i>" The author then tells us that if we will look behind the dictatorship we may possibly find "clues to the nature of our own recent financial ills, indicating what has been wrong and <i>what can be done</i> to strengthen economic democracy now and in the future." The men who built this German system are called men of unquestioned genius. It is becoming clear that "Germany's internal financial program is removing the limitations of her financial environment on rates of productive activity. For years prior to the present war German industry operated at capacity. To do these things she is changing capitalism but she is not destroying it."<br>Of course there is nothing new about Hitler's financial operation, as anyone who has read the German chapter of this volume will remember. It is merely the adoption by Hitler of the spending and borrowing tactics of his predecessors, whom he so roundly denounced. Hitler was doing little more than Mussolini was doing, than the [[Republic|republicans]] and [[Social democracy|Social Democrats]] did before him in Germany, and what the old Italian and German Ministers did before the last war. ** [[w:John T. Flynn|John T. Flynn]] (1944) <i>As We Go Marching</i> Doubleday and Company, pp. 183-184, quoting "The German Financial Revolution," by Dal Hitchcock, <i>[[w:Harper's Magazine|Harper's Magazine]]</i>, Vol. 182, February 1941. Italics as in original * At the outset of the German Government's movement against the Jews, an American visitor asked Herr Hitler why he was making it so ruthless. The Reichskanzler replied that he had got the idea from us. Americans, he said, are the great rope and lamppost artists [i.e., lynching] of the world, known of all men as such. He was using the same methods against the Jews that we used against the [[w:Loyalist (American Revolution)|loyalists]] of [[American Revolution|'76]], the [[w:Native Americans in the United States|Indians]], the [[Chinese people|Chinese]] on the [[w:West Coast of the United States|Western coast]], the [[African American|Negroes]], the [[Mexicans]], the [[Filipinos]] — every helpless people in fact whom we had ever chanced to find underfoot. ** [[Albert Jay Nock]], "The Jewish Problem in America," ''Atlantic Monthly'', June, 1941. * '''If Hitler invaded [[Hell]], I would make at least a favourable reference to the devil in the [[w:House of Commons of the United Kingdom|House of Commons]].''' ** [[Winston Churchill]], To his personal secretary John Colville the evening before Operation Barbarossa, the German invasion of the Soviet Union (June 1941). As quoted by Andrew Nagorski in ''The Greatest Battle'' (2007), Simon & Schuster, pp. 150-151 {{ISBN|0743281101}}. * Hitler is a monster of wickedness, insatiable in his lust for blood and plunder. Not content with having all Europe under his heel, or else terrorised into various forms of abject submission, he must now carry his work of butchery and desolation among the vast multitudes of Russia and of [[Asia]]. The terrible military machine - which we and the rest of the civilised world so foolishly, so supinely, so insensately allowed the Nazi gangsters to build up year by year from almost nothing - cannot stand idle lest it rust or fall to pieces. ... So now this bloodthirsty guttersnipe must launch his mechanized armies upon new fields of slaughter, pillage and devastation. ** [[Winston Churchill]], Radio broadcast on the German invasion of Russia, June 22, 1941. In The Churchill War Papers : 1941 (1993), W.W. Norton, pp. 835-836 {{ISBN|0393019594}}. [[File:Jane Kelly. Psychosis 1.jpg|thumb|[[James Branch Cabell|Cabell]] and Hitler did not inhabit the same [[universe]]. ~ [[w:Alfred Kazin|Alfred Kazin]]]] * '''[[James Branch Cabell|Cabell]] and Hitler did not inhabit the same [[universe]].''' ** [[w:Alfred Kazin|Alfred Kazin]], ''On Native Grounds : An Interpretation of Modern American Prose Literature'' (1941), p. 231. * I have in this War a burning private grudge—which would probably make me a better soldier at 49 than I was at 22: against that ruddy little ignoramus Adolf Hitler (for the odd thing about demonic inspiration and impetus is that it in no way enhances the purely intellectual stature: it chiefly affects the mere will). Ruining, perverting, misapplying, and making for ever accursed, that noble northern spirit, a supreme contribution to Europe, which I have ever loved, and tried to present in its true light. ** [[J. R. R. Tolkien]] ''The Letters of J. R. R. Tolkien'' No. 45: To his son [[w:Michael Tolkien|Michael Tolkien]] (1941-06-09). *"Progress" is for the convinced ochlocrats a consoling [[Utopia]] of madly increased comfort and technicism. This charming but dull vision was always the pseudoreligious consolation of millions of ecstatic believers in ochlocracy and in the relative perfection and wisdom of Mr. and Mrs. Averageman. Utopias in general are surrogates for heaven; they give a meager solace to the individual that his sufferings and endeavors may enable future generations to enter the chiliastic paradise. Communism works in a similar way. Its millennium is almost the same as that of ochlocracy. The Millennium of [[Lenin]], the Millennium of [[Edward Bellamy|Bellamy]], the Millennium as represented in [[H. G. Wells|H. G. Wells's]], "Of Things to Come," the Millennium of Adolf Hitler and [[Henry Ford]] — they are all basically the same; they often differ in their means to attain it but they all agree in the point of technical perfection and the classless or at least totally homogeneous society without grudge or envy. ** [[Erik von Kuehnelt-Leddihn]], writing under the pen name Francis Stewart Campbell (1943), <i>Menace of the Herd, or, Procrustes at Large</i>, Milwaukee, WI: The Bruce Publishing Company, pp. 35-36. * [Hitler is] a veritable <I>[[w:Reductio ad absurdum|reductio ad absurdum]]</i> of "progressive" thought. ** Francis Stuart Campbell, pen name of [[w:Erik von Kuehnelt-Leddihn|Erik von Kuehnelt-Leddihn]] (1943), <i>Menace of the Herd, or, Procrustes at Large</i>, Milwaukee, WI: The Bruce Publishing Company, p. 159. * It must be emphasized that an intensive study of national socialistic "[[prehistory]]" reveals a curious lack of original thought in Hitler's concepts; Hitler's strength consists solely in the clever use of <I>already existing</i> trends, ideas, and situations. It lies in the very nature of mass leaders that they cannot be "original"; the mass leader is necessarily a <I>virtuoso</I> of commonplaces which he may or may not repeat in the guise of a "new discovery." The modern dictator is not out to contradict but to confirm already existing views (and prejudices). ** Francis Stuart Campbell, pen name of [[w:Erik von Kuehnelt-Leddihn|Erik von Kuehnelt-Leddihn]] (1943), <i>Menace of the Herd, or, Procrustes at Large</i>, Milwaukee, WI: The Bruce Publishing Company, p. 201. * An extended chapter of our talk was devoted by the Führer to the vegetarian question. He believes more than ever that [[meat]]-eating is harmful to humanity. Of course he knows that during the war we cannot completely upset our food system. After the war, however, he intends to tackle this problem also. Maybe he is right. Certainly the arguments that he adduces in favor of his standpoint are very compelling. ** [[Joseph Goebbels]], Louis P. Lochner (trans.) (1993). The Goebbels Diaries. Charter Books. p. 679. ISBN 0-441-29550-9. * Do you know that your Führer is a vegetarian, and that he does not eat meat because of his general attitude toward life and his love for the world of animals? Do you know that your Führer is an exemplary friend of animals, and even as a chancellor, he is not separated from the animals he has kept for years?...The Führer is an ardent opponent of any torture of animals, in particular vivisection, and has declared to terminate those conditions...thus fulfilling his role as the savior of animals, from continuous and nameless torments and pain. " ** ''Neugeist/Die Weisse Fahne'' (contemporaneous pro-Nazi children's magazine) * So the bastard's dead? Too bad we didn't capture him alive! **[[Joseph Stalin]], Said in April 1945 — On hearing of [[Hitler|Hitler's]] suicide, as quoted in [http://militera.lib.ru/memo/russian/zhukov1/22.html ''The Memoirs of [[w:Georgy Zhukov|Georgy Zhukov]]'']. * Adolf Hitler<br>I'm not worthy to speak up for Adolf Hitler, and to any sentimental rousing his life and deeds do not invite.<br>Hitler was a warrior, a warrior for humankind and a preacher of the gospel of justice for all nations. He was a reforming character of the highest order, and his historical fate was that he functioned in a time of exampleless [i.e., unequalled] brutality, which in the end felled him.<br>Thus may the ordinary Western European look at Adolf Hitler. And we, his close followers, bow our heads at his death. ** [[Knut Hamsun]], Norwegian author and Nobel Prize-winner, obituary of Hitler published in the May 7, 1945 evening edition of ''[[w:Aftenposten|Aftenposten]]''<ref name= NYT_2009-02-27> {{ cite news |url=http://www.nytimes.com/2009/02/28/books/28hams.html?scp=1&sq=Knut+Hamsun+hitler+warrior+prophet&st=nyt |title=Norwegian Nobel Laureate, Once Shunned, Is Now Celebrated |last=Gibbs |first=Walter |newspaper=The New York Times |date=27 February 2009 |quote= |accessdate=16 May 2011}}</ref> * Adolf Hitler was a [[Joan of Arc|Jeanne d'Arc]], a [[Saints|saint]]. He was a [[Martyrdom|martyr]]. Like many martyrs, he held extreme views. ** [[Ezra Pound]], in an interview with Edd Johnson, published in ''The Chicago Sun'' (9 May 1945) * Every word that comes from Hitler's mouth is a lie. When he says peace, he means war, and when he blasphemously uses the name of the Almighty, he means the power of evil, the fallen angel, [[Satan]]. His mouth is the foul-smelling maw of Hell, and his might is at bottom accursed. True, we must conduct a struggle against the National Socialist terrorist state with rational means; but whoever today still doubts the reality, the existence of demonic powers, has failed by a wide margin to understand the metaphysical background of this war. ** The [[White Rose]], Fourth Leaflet. * Freedom and honour! For ten long years Hitler and his coadjutor have manhandled, squeezed, twisted, and debased these two splendid German words to the point of nausea, as only dilettantes can, casting the highest values of a nation before swine. They have sufficiently demonstrated in the ten years of destruction of all material and intellectual freedom, of all moral substance among the German people, what they understand by freedom and honour. The frightful bloodbath has opened the eyes of even the stupidest German—it is a slaughter which they arranged in the name of "freedom and honour of the German nation" throughout Europe, and which they daily start anew. ** The [[White Rose]], Sixth leaflet. * Shaken and broken, our people behold the loss of the men of Stalingrad. Three hundred and thirty thousand German men have been senselessly and irresponsibly driven to death and destruction by the inspired strategy of our World War I Private First Class. Führer, we thank you! ** The [[White Rose]], Sixth leaflet. * He was a warrior, a warrior for mankind, and a prophet of the gospel of justice for all nations. ** [[Knut Hamsun]], upon hearing of Hitler's death.[http://www.kirjasto.sci.fi/khamsun.htm] ==== ''Three Portraits: Hitler, Mussolini, Stalin'' (1940) ==== :<small>by [[Emil Ludwig]]</small> * Hitler's technique of oratory is largely the result of... mass psychology... He declared to his small, new [[Political parties|party]] that everything depended on fascinating the crowd. Above all, he realized... restore to the German people, deprived of an army, their flags, bands and songs. ...He invented every emblem himself, except the swastika, designed his own flag, and prescribed every collar and button for the slowly-growing party troops.<!--pp. 19-20--> * Hitler's aim was to attract attention to ''himself''. ...[H]e personally arranged all the lighting effects and spotlights, as well as his entry into a hall with fanfares. He trained crowds to salute with the right arm, taught them his songs, and transformed the audience from an apathetic mass into active collaborators in his festivities.<!--p. 20--> * As a stage manager and advertiser, he gave proof as real genius. In his book... "The Entente," he writes, "won the war simply and solely by its propaganda." A crowd is ready to believe anything, "true or false," provided it is constantly reiterated; one only has to say the same thing often enough.<!--pp. 20-21--> * He is past-master in the technique of platform speaking, and he can be humorous, grave, witty, tragic and cynical as the occasion requires.<!--p. 21--> * His effect, in complete contrast to [[Benito Mussolini|Mussolini]]'s... he juggles with mystical notions such as Honor, Blood, and Soil, and thus wraps his audience in that cloud of mysticism which the Germans love far more than mere prosaic logic.<!--p. 21--> * [H]e works to create the single great impression that here is a prophet whose heart is bleeding for the fate of his people. ...[H]e is sly enough to use an arrangement on his speaker's desk through which, by pressing a button, the spotlights are switched on to him so that the ecstasies can be properly filmed for the news reels. A similar combination of ecstasy and artifice can be observed in other actors.<!--p. 21--> * [H]e commanded over a hundred of his armed adherents to make an open attack on the armed police force. The latter met the rebel's attack... Shots were fired. Fourteen men lay dead on the Munich pavement. ...Hitler vanished ...The fourteen heroes of the Nazi movement were later eulogized... by the leader who had abandoned them in danger.<!--p. 22--> * He realized that he could rise only through the support of the discontented and utterly disillusioned middle class. All he did later was to subjugate it. [[Hermann Rauschning|Rauschning]] describes in detail Hitler's intense hatred of Germany's laboring masses.<!--p. 23--> * The pyramid familiar to the Germans... in which each individual carries another on his back but makes up for it by standing on somebody else, was set up anew by Hitler.<!--p. 24--> * The Germans, who love order more than freedom, and whose ruling passion is obedience, rejoiced in their release from an uncomfortable equality into new ranks of superiors and inferiors. This is the second source of Hitler's success.<!--p. 24--> * As a man without religion, without philosophy, without principles, he balked at nothing. ...[H]e concealed... his desire for self-aggrandizement, and... believes in his own idealism.<!--p. 24--> * Since the [[bank]]s and the big [[industrialist]]s wished to rid themselves of the [[Socialism|Socialists]], with their wage demands and strikes, they contributed generously to this popular party. ...Hitler's speeches constantly promised the masses a renewal of the soldier-spirit, a new army and new victories.<!--p. 24--> * Hitler, who had made his way to power by his great gifts as a stage manager and speaker, introduced into the [[w:Reich Chancellery|Reichschancellory]] all that [[wikt:browbeat#Verb|browbeat]]ing noise which the Germans are so prone to take for greatness. ...Immediately after his appointment as chancellor, Hitler resolved to prove to the world that he had come, a new {{w|Saint George}}, to slay the dragon of [[communism]]. While the German [[w:Reichstag building|Reichstag]] was burning, he accused the Communists of the guilt... This trial he lost... for its sole result was to expose the guilt of the [[Nazism|Nazis]].<!--p. 27--> * The Germans were wretched so long as they had no sword. ...Only a world once more trembling before the gigantic juggernaut of a German army could do... [A] genuine idealism ...inspires the German Nazi youth. It is [[wikt:bellicose#Adjective|bellicose]]... and looks forward to a hero's death... they believe in the superiority of the German race and its right to rule the world.<br />Their new leader did not merely promise all this; he began to turn it into reality... The technique of government by advertisement... has enabled a ruler... to attain his aims by sheer propaganda and bluff...<!--pp. 31-32--> * That is the language of a gambler—of a man who stakes his all in one card... when the other players simply refuse to call a bluff, he may safely risk his stake.<br />And yet, with the great triumphs Hitler has flaunted, with the increase in power and population... how are we to explain the apathy shared by... Germans, with exceptions of the few thousand commandeered to function at processions? They do not revolt, yet they are neither happy nor content... the enthusiasm wanes... as it has been since the third year of the Hitler régime...<!--pp. 35-36--> * The appointment of ignorant young men by the Party to high places in the German universities and clinics... has caused profound depression in the country... A country which no longer recognizes a written constitution, a country in which the Minister of Justice proclaims as his guiding principle, "Right is what is useful to Germany," a country in which the police force... watches with sympathetic interest any crime which is committed to the Party's advantage—is a country where none can feel safe. Even the free can hardly take much pleasure... where more than 100,000 souls are imprisoned... Any German who has not risen to wealth and position through the Party feels less free... Millions are ashamed because they are no longer citizens of a constitutional State.<br />Meanwhile their Führer sits in his villa... and here he entertains his friends. ...As he talks ceaselessly and seldom listens... business cannot be settled.<!--pp. 39-41--> === Quotes after the end of World War II === :<small>Sorted by Author</small> * By exploiting material [[wealth]] confiscated and plundered in a racial war, Hitler's National Socialism achieved an unprecedented level of economic equality and created vast new opportunities for upward mobility for the German people. ** [[Götz Aly]], ''Hitler's Beneficiaries: Plunder, Racial War, and the Nazi Welfare State'', New York: NY, Metropolitan Books (2007) pp. 7-8 * Although some people felt Adolf Hitler was bad, he was a great man and a real [[Conquest|conqueror]] whose name would never be forgotten. ** [[Idi Amin]], as quoted in ''The Evil 100'' (2004) by Martin Gilman Wolcott, p. 78 * The only man for whom Hitler had 'unqualified respect' was Stalin the genius', and while in the case of Stalin and the Russian regime we do not... have the rich documentary material that is available for Germany, we nevertheless know since Khrushchev's speech before the Twentieth Party Congress that Stalin trusted only one man and that was Hitler. ** [[Hannah Arendt]], ''Totalitarianism: Part Three of the Origins of Totalitarianism'', A Harvest Book, 1985, pp. 7-8 *'''Spiegel''': Can you also get your [[revenge]] on him by using [[comedy]]? :'''Brooks''': Yes, absolutely. Of course it is impossible to take revenge for 6 million murdered Jews. But by using the medium of comedy, we can try to rob Hitler of his posthumous power and myths. In doing so, we should remember that Hitler did have some talents. He was able to fool an entire population into letting him be their leader. However, this role was basically a few numbers too great for him –- but he simply covered over this deficiency. :'''Spiegel''': Was he a good actor? :'''Brooks''': Yes, as he convinced many millions of Germans. It's not without good reason that comedies about Hitler often concern actors who should play him. Just think about [[Charlie Chaplin]]'s ''[[w:The Great Dictator|The Great Dictator]]'' (1940) or [[w:Ernst Lubitsch|Ernst Lubitsch]]'s [[To Be or Not to Be (1942 film)|''To Be or not To Be'']] (1942). There's no doubt about it, Hitler worked in the same branch as we do: he created [[Illusion|illusions]]. :'''Spiegel''': In a documentary film about the downfall of the German battleship the [[w:German battleship Bismarck|Bismarck]], US director [[James Cameron (director)|James Cameron]] referred to Hitler as the "greatest pop star of his time." :'''Brooks''': There's something in that. Hitler must have had a magnetic attractive force, like a rock star he used his voice to spellbind umpteen thousands of listeners. So it's only fitting when comic actors make him the limelight hog of world history. We take away from him the holy seriousness that always surrounded him and protected him like a cordon. :* [[Mel Brooks]] [http://www.spiegel.de/international/spiegel/spiegel-interview-with-mel-brooks-with-comedy-we-can-rob-hitler-of-his-posthumous-power-a-406268.html Spiegel interview] * In Hitler's eyes, Christianity was a [[religion]] fit only for slaves; he detested its [[ethics]] in particular. Its teaching, he declared, was a rebellion against the natural law of selection by struggle and the [[w:Survival of the fittest|survival of the fittest]]. ** [[w:Alan Bullock| Alan Bullock]], ''Hitler: A Study in Tyranny''; Harper Perennial Edition (1991) p. 218. First published 1952 * Though Hitler was indeed racist and anti-Semitic to the core, a man who without compunction could commit murder and [[genocide]], he was also an individual of great courage, a soldier's soldier in the Great War, a political organizer of the first rank, a leader steeped in the history of Europe, who possessed oratorical powers that could awe even those who despised him... Hitler's success was not based on his extraordinary gifts alone. His genius was an intuitive sense of the mushiness, the character flaws, the weakness masquerading as morality that was in the hearts of the statesmen who stood in his path. ** [[Pat Buchanan]], [http://www.realchange.org/hitler.htm column discussing John Toland's biography of Hitler] (1977). * [Hitler] himself saw Christianity as a temporary ally, for in his opinion 'one is either a Christian or a German'. To be both was impossible. Nazism itself was a religion, a pagan religion, and Hitler was its high priest... Its high altar [was] Germany itself and the German people, their soil and forests and language and traditions. ** [[Geoffrey Blainey]], ''A Short History of Christianity'', Viking (2011) pp. 495–6 * "Everybody thinks Hitler got to power because of his [[armies]], because they were willing to [[kill]], and that's partially true, because in the real world [[power]] is always built on the threat of death and dishonor. But mostly he got to power on [[words]], on the right words at the right time." : "I was just thinking of of comparing you to him." :* [[Orson Scott Card]] ''[[Ender's Game]]'' p. 131 * Try explaining Hitler to a kid. ** [[George Carlin]], from ''Brain Droppings''. *Hitler was actually a fairly evolved individual... two-fifths of the way along the path to becoming a [[Masters of Wisdom|Master]] ... It is true that Hitler was only a second-degree [[Initiation (theosophy)|initiate]], but so, too, were [[Mahatma Gandhi]], [[w:Wilhelm Reich|Reich]], [[Freud]], [[Jung]], [[Einstein]], [[Albert Schweitzer|Schweitzer]], [[Plato]] and many other very evolved individuals who have contributed massively to our civilization and culture. Occasionally, however, there is a rotten egg in the basket. Hitler was one of these, a deeply evil personality. Because he was of the second degree, he had power and could be powerfully used, obsessed, by the forces of evil - like vibration attracted like vibration... Hitler was a [[w:Mediumship|medium]]... He also patted children on the head, his friends liked him, no doubt, but when the obsession took place, when he was talking to the multitudes, he became a ranting, powerful, obsessed, hollow shell who galvanized Germany, Japan and Italy to link together across the world as [[w:Axis powers|the Axis powers]]. Through that triangle the forces of [[w:evil|evil]] manifested... So Hitler was involved - as an agent for the forces of evil and also by his own innate evil: it is evil to want to dominate the world for 1,000 years, which is what he envisaged for the [[w:Third Reich|Third Reich]]. Not to mention the [[w:Gas_chamber#Nazi_Germany|gas chambers]]. **[[Benjamin Creme]], [https://www.share-international.org/archives/religion/faq_religion.htm ''Religion FAQ, Share International,''] (April 1999) *These people [Nazis] [[reincarnation|incarnated]] in [[Israel]] in relation probably to thousands of [[Jews]] in Germany that they had murdered, oppressed in every way. They grew to hate Jews for whatever reason. It was Hitler’s aim to get rid of all the Jews in the world if he could do it. He could not do it, but the Nazis got rid of about 6 million in Europe. They are responsible, and have now [[Reincarnation|come back]] as Jews... It is the [[Karma|Law of Cause and Effect]], that is, [[karma]]. They are living as the very people that they were so hateful to and oppressed in their previous incarnation. They are also bringing with them the quality of their ray structure, the energies which they use, which gave them power in Germany. These people were not the top people, but the people under them in the SS and army. It is not just the odd individual, there are a lot. Large numbers of Nazis have also reincarnated in Argentina and other places, including the USA. It was Hitler's aim to get rid of all the Jews in the world if he could do it. He could not do it, but the Nazis got rid of about 6 million in Europe. They are responsible, and have now [[Reincarnation|come back]] as Jews. p.76 **[[Benjamin Creme]], [[Benjamin_Creme#The_World_Teacher_for_All_Humanity_(2007)|''The World Teacher for All Humanity'']] (2007) *Hitler is no longer in incarnation; he is in what Christians would call [[W:purgatory|purgatory]]. How long he will be there I have no idea, but a long time. There is a direct correlation with the evil effect that a person has through working with the forces of involution. The greater the impact of that in the world, the greater will be the [[karma]] of that person... There are some people who are not essentially evil, like [[Joseph Stalin|Stalin]]... I do not include Stalin in that group... he is grey. It is a personal misuse of power, and a lack of recognition of the difference between [[good and evil]]. Whereas Hitler (also a second-degree initiate), was literally obsessed by the forces, as to a lesser extent was [[Benito Mussolini|Mussolini]] in Italy. But the correlation must always be with the amount of energy expended **[[Benjamin Creme]], [[Benjamin_Creme#The_World_Teacher_for_All_Humanity_(2007)|''The World Teacher for All Humanity'']] (2007) * But if you can [[w:artificial selection|breed]] [[cattle]] for [[milk]] yield, [[horses]] for running speed, and [[dogs]] for herding skill, why on Earth should it be impossible to breed humans for [[Mathematics|mathematical]], [[Music|musical]] or [[Sports|athletic]] ability? Objections such as "these are not one-dimensional abilities" apply equally to cows, horses and dogs and never stopped anybody in practice. I wonder whether, some 60 years after Hitler's death, we might at least venture to ask what the moral difference is between breeding for musical ability and forcing a child to take music lessons. Or why it is acceptable to train fast [[Running|runners]] and [[w:High jump|high jumpers]] but not to breed them. I can think of some answers, and they are good ones, which would probably end up persuading me. But hasn't the time come when we should stop being frightened even to put the question? **[[Richard Dawkins]], From the Afterword, The Herald Scotland, (November 20, 2006) * What's to prevent us from saying Hitler wasn't right? I mean, that is a genuinely difficult question. ** [[Richard Dawkins]] [http://byfaithonline.com/page/in-the-world/richard-dawkins-the-atheist-evangelist "Richard Dawkins, the Atheist Evangelist", by Larry Taunton, ''byFaith'' (18 December 2007)] * Adolf Hitler may have been wrong all down the line, but one thing is beyond dispute: the man was able to work his way up from lance corporal in the German Army to Führer of a people of almost 80 million. ... His success alone proved that I should subordinate myself to this man. ** [[Adolf Eichmann]], As quoted in "The Eichmann Memoir" in ''The Personalist Volume XLII'' (1961). *Hitler is probably the world's most notorious tyrant. His name is virtually synonymous with evil. Rising from obscurity and failure, he found inspiration in the German army and entered politics after World War I. His Nazi Party became the largest in Germany, leading to his appointment as Chancellor in 1933. Within a year, he had turned Germany into a dictatorship. He built up the economy while establishing a police state based on terror. He pushed his country into World War II where his aggressive leadership produced spectacular vicotories until he was opposed by the Soviet Union and the United States. During the war, he ordered the murder of six million Jews and other minorities. With his country collapsing around him, he committed suicide. **Clive Foss, ''The Tyrants: 2,500 Years of Absolute Power and Corruption'' (2006), p. 140 *Hitler had no superior, and there was no [[Appeals|appeal]] against him. The only alternative to obedience was imprisonment or death. He ruled Germany through the regular government and the increasingly powerful Nazi Party whose organizations reached every level of the population. The regime looked simple and streamlined, but Hitler, who believed in the survival of the fittest, encouraged [[competition]] among his subordinates, often appointing two people to very similar jobs, so that they would have to come to him for resolution. He rarely consulted his cabinet but relied on a loyal coterie headed by Heinrich Himmler, chief of the elite [[w:Schutzstaffel|SS]] troops, and the [[w:Gestapo|Gestapo]] (secret police), Hermann Goring, commander of the air force and Joseph Goebbels, Minister of Propaganda. Hitler was the ultimate [[amateur]], a skilled [[Politicians|politician]] with no education but a [[w:Photographic memory|photographic memory]] that enabled him to intimidate his officers. He distrusted educated [[Specialization|specialists]] and believed he was right about everything. He met with his cronies over [[tea]] where he would endulge in endless [[Monologue|monologues]] - tea, because he was a vegetarian and teetotaller who also firmly discouraged [[Tobacco|smoking]]. **Clive Foss, ''The Tyrants: 2,500 Years of Absolute Power and Corruption'' (2006), p. 141 *Hitler did a better job than Stalin of accomplishing Lenin's totalitarian promises—better, too, than Mussolini,... ** [[François Furet]], ''The Passing of an Illusion, The Idea of Communism in the Twentieth Century'', University of Chicago Press (1999) p. 205 * What was new about Hitler and Stalin was what Friedrich Meinecke, in an attempt shortly after World War II to express his horror at Hitler's moral [[nihilism]], called a '[[Niccolò Machiavelli|Machiavellianism]] of the masses'. ** [[François Furet]], ''The Passing of an Illusion, The Idea of Communism in the Twentieth Century'', University of Chicago Press (1999) p. 191 * In many thundering discourses, Hitler expressed his respect, if not admiration for Stalinist Communism and its leader. **François Furet, ''Passing of an Illusion: The Idea of Communism in the Twentieth Century'', Chicago, Illinois; London, England, University of Chicago Press, 1999, p. 191 * The names of [[Vladimir Lenin|Lenin]], [[Joseph Stalin|Stalin]], and Hitler will forever be linked to the tragic course of European history in the first half of the twentieth century. Only weeks after the [[Russian Revolution]] the Bolsheviks created [[w:Cheka|secret police forces]] far more brutal than any that had existed under the [[Nicholas II of Russia|tsar]]. The Nazis followed suit and were no sooner in power than they instituted the dreaded [[w:Gestapo|Gestapo]]. Under both regimes millions of people were incarcerated in [[Concentration camp|concentration camps]] where they were tortured and frequently worked to death. ** [[w:Robert Gellately|Robert Gellately]], ''Lenin, Stalin, and Hitler : The Age of Social Catastrophe'' (2007). [[File:Children headed for deportation.JPG|thumb|He set out to [[kill]] [[people]] not for what they did but for who they were. Even [[Mao]] and [[Stalin]] were killing their "class enemies." Hitler killed a million [[Jewish]] [[babies]] just for existing. ~ [[w:Nancy Gibbs|Nancy Gibbs]] ]] * If all Hitler had done was kill people in vast numbers more efficiently than anyone else ever did, the debate over his lasting importance might end there. But Hitler's impact went beyond his willingness to kill without mercy. He did something civilization had not seen before. [[Genghis Khan]] operated in the context of the nomadic steppe, where pillaging villages was the norm. Hitler came out of the most civilized society on Earth, the land of [[Beethoven]] and [[Goethe]] and [[Schiller]]. '''He set out to kill people not for what they did but for who they were. Even [[Mao Zedong|Mao]] and [[Stalin]] were killing their "class enemies." Hitler killed a million Jewish babies just for existing.''' ** {{w|Nancy Gibbs}}, as quoted in [http://www.time.com/time/time100/poc/magazine/the_necessary_evil19a.html ''Time''] magazine (3 January 2000). * To me there are two Hitlers: one who existed until the end of the French war; the other begins with the Russian campaign. In the beginning he was genial and pleasant. He would have extraordinary willpower and unheard-of influence on people. The important thing to remember is that the first Hitler, the man who I knew until the end of the French war, had much charm and goodwill. He was always frank. The second Hitler, who existed from the beginning of the Russian campaign until his suicide, was always suspicious, easily upset, and tense. He was distrustful to an extreme degree. ** [[Hermann Göring]], quoted in The ''Nuremberg Interviews'' by Leon Goldensohn, 24 May 1946 * Hitler was dead by his own hand and the Allies quickly went about gathering up officials of the Nazi regime. Germany was prostrated, its cities in rubble, its manufactories smashed, its people dispirited and unable even to feed themselves. They crawled out of their cellars and hiding places and looked around into a profound silence enveloping the entire nation. Many- probably most of them- were terribly embarrassed and ashamed at what their leaders had put them through but, after all, they had voted Hitler and the Nazis into power. It was one of the most horrid mistakes a democracy had ever made and a powerful lesson for today and tomorrow. The Third Reich that Hitler predicted would "last a thousand years" was abolished in little more than a decade, though at terrible cost. ** [[w:Winston Groom|Winston Groom]], ''The Generals: Patton, MacArthur, Marshall, and the Winning of World War II'' (2015), p. 395 *[Hitler] was to all intents and purposes an atheist by the time I got to know him, although he still paid lip-service to religious beliefs and certainly acknowledged them as the basis for the thinking of others. **[[Ernst Hanfstaengl]], ''Hitler: The Memoir of a Nazi Insider Who Turned Against the Führer'' [1957], New York: NY, Arcade Publishing, 2011, p. 69 *[Hitler] would attack the former ruling classes for their surrender of the nation, their class prejudices and feudal economic system to applause from the Left-Wingers, and then riddle those who were prepared to decry the true traditions of German greatness to the applause of the Right-Wingers. **[[Ernst Hanfstaengl]] ''Hitler: The Memoir of a Nazi Insider Who Turned Against the Führer'' [1957], New York: NY, Arcade Publishing, 2011, p. 69 * Had Hitler died in middle of the 1930's, Nazism would probably have shown, under the leadership of a [[Hermann Göring|Goering]], a fundamental change in its course, and the Second World War might have been averted. Yet the sepulcher of Hitler, the founder of a Nazi religion, might perhaps have been a greater evil than all the atrocities, bloodshed and destruction of Hitler's war. ** [[Eric Hoffer]], ''The True Believer'' (1951) Ch.18 Good and Bad Mass Movements, §122 * The monstrous evils of the twentieth century have shown us that the greediest money grubbers are gentle doves compared with money-hating wolves like Lenin, [[Joseph Stalin|Stalin]], and [[Adolf Hitler|Hitler]], who in less than three decades killed or maimed nearly a hundred million men, women, and children and brought untold suffering to a large portion of mankind. ** {{Citation | first = Eric | last = Hoffer | author-link = Eric Hoffer | title = In Our Time | year = 1976}}. * I would have preferred it if he'd followed his original ambition and become an [[Architecture|architect]]. ** [[w:Paula Hitler|Paula Hitler]], his much younger sister, during an interview with a U.S. intelligence operative in late 1945. * I admit, I was fascinated by Adolf Hitler. He was a pleasant boss and a fatherly friend. ** [[w:Traudl Junge|Traudl Junge]], Hitler's secretary. * Of course, the terrible things I heard from the [[w:Nuremberg Trials|Nuremberg Trials]], about the six million Jews and the people from other races who were killed, were facts that shocked me deeply. But I wasn't able to see the connection with my own past. I was satisfied that I wasn't personally to blame and that I hadn't known about those things. I wasn't aware of the extent. But one day I went past the memorial plaque which had been put up for [[w:Sophie Scholl|Sophie Scholl]] in Franz Josef Strasse, and I saw that she was born the same year as me, and she was executed the same year I started working for Hitler. And at that moment I actually sensed that it was no excuse to be young, and that it would have been possible to find things out. ** [[w:Traudl Junge|Traudl Junge]] Hitler's secretary, in [[w:Im toten Winkel|''Im toten Winkel - Hitlers Sekretärin'' (''Blind Spot: Hitler's Secretary'')]] * After visiting these two places you can easily see how that within a few years Hitler will emerge from the hatred that surrounds him now as one of the most significant figures who ever lived. He had boundless ambition for his country, which rendered him a menace to the peace of the world, but he had a mystery about him in the way that he lived and in the manner of his death that will live and grow after him. He had in him the stuff of which legends are made. ** The Post-War diary of [[John F. Kennedy]], as quoted in ''Prelude to Leadership'' (pages 73&ndash;74, last two paragraphs). * We can never forget that everything Hitler did in Germany was "legal" and everything the Hungarian freedom fighters did was "illegal." It was "illegal" to aid and comfort a Jew in Hitler's Germany. Even so, I am sure that, had I lived in Germany at the time, I would have aided and comforted my Jewish brothers. ** [[Martin Luther King, Jr.]], "Letter from a Birmingham Jail" in ''The Essential Martin Luther King, Jr.'' *Hitler was a wonderful actor. At times when he was beating his breast and assuring his visitor of his own devotion to peace, I was almost overwhelmed by the performance; and I was tempted to believe that my judgement must have gone to pieces in ever doubting the man's sincerity. But he was also so fundamentally wicked, and this appeared so clearly in his conversation that one's reason eventually got the upper hand. As the years passed, power visibly corrupted him. He became more intolerant of any opposition, more convinced of his mission and more openly ruthless. There was less need to dissemble and he almost gloried in his wickedness. **[[w:Ivone Kirkpatrick|Ivone Kirkpatrick]], ''The Inner Circle'' (1959), p. 69 *My reliable informants in the German camp had already made it clear to me that Hitler regarded the Prime Minister [Neville Chamberlain] as an impertinent busybody who spoke the ridiculous jargon of an out-moded democracy. The umbrella, which to the ordinary German was the symbol of peace, was in Hitler's view only a subject of derision. **[[w:Ivone Kirkpatrick|Ivone Kirkpatrick]], ''The Inner Circle'' (1959), p. 122 * If he (Hitler) does not eat meat, drink alcoholic beverages, or smoke, it is not due to the fact that he has some kind of inhibition or does it because he believes it will improve his health. He abstains from these because he is following the example of the great German, Richard Wagner, or because he has discovered that it increases his energy and endurance to such a degree that he can give much more of himself to the creation of the new German Reich. ** Walter C. Langer, "The Mind of Adolf Hitler", Walter C. Langer, New York 1972 p.54-55 * Hitler ... was a hero, the hero-as-monster, embodying what had become the monstrous fantasy of a people, but the horror upon which the radical mind and liberal temperament foundered was that he gave outlet to the energies of the Germans and so presented the twentieth century with an index of how horrible had become the secret heart of its desire. ** [[Norman Mailer]], ''[http://www.esquire.com/news-politics/a3858/superman-supermarket/ Superman Comes to the Supermarket]. (November 1960) * Five hundred years from now, it won't be Hitler we remember. Hitler may have set the century's agenda; he was a sort of vortex of negative energy that sucked everything else in. But I think God takes fallible human beings like [[Franklin Delano Roosevelt|Roosevelt]] or Churchill and carves them for his purposes. In five centuries, we'll look back and say the story of the century was not Hitler or Stalin; it was the survival of the human spirit in the face of genocide. ** [[w:Martin E. Marty|Martin E. Marty]] in [http://www.time.com/time/time100/poc/magazine/the_necessary_evil19a.html ''Time'' magazine (3 January 2000)]. *[[Hermann Rauschning|Rauschning]], at the end of 1939, denounced Hitler and his movement as 'the apocalyptic riders of world annihilation', and as an eruption of 'the beast from the abyss'. National Socialism, he added, was 'the [[w:Saint Vitus' dance|Saint Vitus's dance]] of the twentieth century'; if Hitler won the war, it would mean the end of everything that made life worth living. **Meir Michaelis, 'World Power Status or World Dominion? A Survey of the Literature on Hitler's 'Plan of World Dominion' (1937-1970)', ''The Historical Journal'', Vol. 15, No. 2 (Jun., 1972), p. 335 * As far as Hitler is concerned, we regarded him as a true man. He was only a corporal when he earned the Iron Cross First Class in World War I. In those days that was quite an achievement. When he spoke at meetings or rallies he managed to captivate his audience. He was able to get us in a mood where we believed everything he said and we left fired with enthusiasms. Everyone I met respected and trusted Hitler and I myself shared these feelings and opinions. ** Standartenoberjunker [[w:Jan Munk|Jan Munk]] - SS * People ask me who my heroes are. I admire Hitler because he pulled his country together when it was in a terrible state in the early thirties. But the situation here [Vietnam] is so desperate now that one man would not be enough. We need four or five Hitlers in Vietnam. ** [[Ho Chí Minh|Nguyen Cao Ky]], July, 1965 interview with the Daily Mirror. * When I came back to [[United States|my native country]], after all the stories about Hitler, I couldn't ride in the front of the bus. I had to go to the back door. I couldn't live where I wanted. I wasn't invited to shake hands with Hitler, but I wasn't invited to the White House to shake hands with [[Franklin D. Roosevelt|the president]], either. ** [[Jesse Owens]], as quoted in [http://espn.go.com/sportscentury/features/00016393.html "Owens Pierced a Myth"] (2005), by Larry Schwartz, ''ESPN SportsCentury''. * When I passed the chancellor he arose, waved his hand at me, and I waved back at him. I think the writers showed bad taste in criticizing the man of the hour in Germany. ** [[Jesse Owens]], as quoted in [https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Special:BookSources/0399603158 ''The Jesse Owens Story''] (1970). *I met Hitler for the first time on June 9, 1932. ... I found him curiously unimpressive. ... I could detect no inner quality which might explain his extraordinary hold on the masses. He was wearing a dark blue suit and seemed the complete ''petit-bourgeois''. He had an unhealthy complexion, and with his little moustache and curious hair style had an indefinable bohemian quality. His demeanour was modest and polite, and although I had heard much about the magnetic quality of his eyes, I do not remember being impressed by them. ... [A]s he talked about his party's aims I was struck by the fanatical insistence with which he presented his arguments. I realized that the fate of my Government would depend to a large extent on the willingness of this man and his followers to back me up, and that this would be the most difficult problem with which I should have to deal. **[[Franz von Papen]], ''Memoirs'' (1952), p. 162 * In prison for his part in the [[w:Beer Hall Putsch|1923 putsch]], Hitler rethought the Italian example in the light of his own failure and concluded that he could only win power through the ballot box. Electoral propaganda was at first directed primarily at industrial workers, in the hope of detaching them from the [[w:Communist Party of Germany|KDP]]. But in the [[w:1928 German federal election|1928 elections]] showed unexpected gains amongst the [[w:Protestantism in Germany|Protestant peasantry]], who had suffered badly from the agricultural crisis. From then on {{w|Nazi propaganda}} was more targeted at [[conservative]] voters, and this paid off with [[w:1930 German federal election|electoral breakthrough in 1930]]. ** [[Kevin Passmore]], {{cite book |title=Fascism: A Very Short Introduction |date=2014 |publisher={{w|Oxford University Press}} |isbn=978-0-19-150856-1 |page=72–73 |url=https://books.google.com/books?id=0ACCAwAAQBAJ&pg=PT72}} * For want of alternatives, the conservatives [[w:Adolf Hitler's rise to power|made Hitler chancellor on 30 January 1933]]. Like [[Mussolini]], Hitler alone bridged the gap between parliamentary and street politics. ** [[Kevin Passmore]], {{cite book |title=Fascism: A Very Short Introduction |date=2014 |publisher={{w|Oxford University Press}} |isbn=978-0-19-150856-1 |page=73 |url=https://books.google.com/books?id=0ACCAwAAQBAJ&pg=PT73}} * Nazism and Fascism are thoroughly beaten, but I must admit that their defeat does not mean that barbarism and brutality have been defeated. On the contrary, it is no use closing our eyes to the fact that these hateful ideas achieved something like a victory in defeat. I have to admit that Hitler succeeded in degrading the moral standards of our Western world, and that in the world of today there is more violence and brutal force than would have been tolerated even in the decade after the first World war. And we must face the possibility that our civilization may ultimately be destroyed by those new weapons which Hitlerism wished upon us, perhaps even within the first decade after the second World war; for no doubt the spirit of Hitlerism won its greatest victory over us when, after its defeat, we used the weapons which the threat of Nazism had induced us to develop. ** [[Karl Popper]] in [[Karl_Popper#Utopia_and_Violence_.281947.29|"Utopia and Violence"]] (1947) *Out of the mud and slime of lies, your holy red, white and black Swastika has been flung back into the skies in [[Virginia]], [[United States|United States of America]], and we pledge you our lives, Adolf Hitler, that we shall not flag or fail until we have utterly destroyed the forces of Marxism and darkness. **[[George Lincoln Rockwell]], founder of the [[w:American Nazi Party|American Nazi Party]], dedication in his book ''This Time the World'' (1960). *What people don't remember is that Hitlerism was about more than just [[Military|militarism]], [[nationalism]], and consolidation of [[identity politics]]. It also involved a substantial shift in German domestic politics away from [[Laissez-faire|free enterprise]], or what remained of it under [[w:Weimar Republic|Weimar]], toward [[Collectivism|collectivist]] [[Planned economy|economic planning]]. **[[Lew Rockwell]], [http://mises.org/daily/3564 Headed to National Socialism], July 10, 2009. * Before Hitler, we thought we had sounded the depths of [[human nature]]. He showed how much lower we could go, and that's what was so horrifying. It gets us wondering not just at the depths he showed us but whether there is worse to come. ** [[w:Ron Rosenbaum|Ron Rosenbaum]] in [http://www.time.com/time/time100/poc/magazine/the_necessary_evil19a.html ''Time'' magazine (3 January 2000)]. * I am a great admirer of Hitler, and I am not ashamed to say so! I do not say that I agree with all the methods he employed, but he was a wonderful organizer and orator, and I feel that he and I have several things in common.... What India really needs is a dictator who will rule benevolently, but with an iron hand. ** [[Bal Thackeray]] http://www.asiaweek.com/asiaweek/95/0922/nat5.html. * Hitler is an outcome of [[Rousseau]]. ** [[Bertrand Russell]]'', ''A History of Western Philosophy'', New York: Simon and Schuster, 1945, p. 685. * But without Adolf Hitler, who was possessed of a demonic personality, a granite will, uncanny instincts, a cold ruthlessness, a remarkable intellect, a soaring imagination and – until the end, when, drunk with power and success, he overreached himself – an amazing capacity to size up people and situations, there almost certainly would never have been a Third Reich. ** [[William L. Shirer]], ''The Rise and Fall of the Third Reich'' * Adolf Hitler is probably the last of the great adventurer-conquerors in the tradition of [[Alexander the Great|Alexander]], [[Julius Caesar|Caesar]] and Napoleon, and the Third Reich the last of the [[Empire|empires]] which set out on the path taken earlier by France, Rome and Macedonia. The curtain was rung on that phase of history, at least, by the sudden invention of the [[Nuclear weapons|hydrogen bomb]], of the [[w:ballistic missile|ballistic missile]] and of [[w:Rocket|rockets]] that can be aimed to hit the [[moon]]. In our new age of terrifying, lethal gadgets, which supplanted so swiftly the old one, the first great aggressive war, should it come, will be launched by suicidal little madmen pressing an electronic button. There will be no conquerors and no conquests, but only the charred bones of the dead on an uninhabited [[planet]]. ** [[William L. Shirer]], ''The Rise and Fall of the Third Reich'' (1960), p. xii * In retrospect, it is easy to see that the horrors inflicted upon the Jews of Germany on November 9 and the harsh and brutal measures taken against them afterward were portents of a fatal weakening which in the end would bring the dictator, his regime and his nation down in utter ruin. The evidences of Hitler's megalomania we have seen permeating hundreds of pages of this narrative. But until now he had usually been able to hold it in check at critical stages in his rise and in that of his country. At such moments his genius for acting not only boldly, but usually only after a careful calculation of the consequences, had won him one crashing success after another. But now, as November 9 and its aftermath clearly showed, Hitler was losing his self-control. His megalomania was getting the upper hand. The stenographic record of the Goering meeting on November 12 reveals that it was Hitler who, in the final analysis, was responsible for the holocaust of that November evening; it was he who gave the necessary approval to launch it; he who pressed Goering to go ahead with the elimination of Jews from German life. From now on the absolute master of the Third Reich would show little of that restraint which had saved him so often before. And though his genius and that of his country would lead to further startling conquests, the poisonous seeds of eventual self-destruction for the dictator and his land had now been sown. Hitler's sickness was contagious; the nation was catching it, as if it were a virus. ** [[William L. Shirer]], ''The Rise and Fall of the Third Reich'' (1960), p. 435 * It was 3:30PM on Monday, April 30, 1945, ten days after Adolf Hitler's sixty-fifth birthday and twelve years and three months to a day since he had become Chancellor of Germany and instituted the Third Reich. It would survive him but a week. ** [[William L. Shirer]], ''The Rise and Fall of the Third Reich'' (1960), p. 1133 * In contrast to the ultimate realization that he was dealing with a formidable enemy in the east, Hitler clung to the end to his preconceived opinion that the troops of the Western countries were poor fighting material. Even the Allied successes in Africa and Italy could not shake his belief that these soldiers would run away at the first serious onslaught. He was convinced that these soldiers would run away from the first serious onslaught. He was convinced that democracy enfeebled a nation. As late as the summer of 1944 he held to his theory that all the ground that had been lost in the West would be quickly reconquered. His opinions on the Western statesmen had a similar bias. He considered Churchill, as he often stated during the situation conferences, an incompetent, alcoholic demagogue. And he asserted in all seriousness that Roosevelt was not a victim of infantile paralysis but of syphilitic paralysis and was therefore mentally unsound. These opinions, too, were indications, of his flight from reality in the last years of his life. ** [[Albert Speer]], ''Inside the Third Reich: Memoirs'' (1970), p. 306-307 * Hitler preached "superior and inferior races." [[Stalin]] challenged him in one of the most sweeping statements ever made of human equality: "Neither language nor color of skin nor cultural back-wardeness nor the stage of political development can justify national and race inequality". ** [[Anna Louise Strong]], ''The Stalin Era'' (1957), p. 57 * When [Friedrich] Krohn and Hitler first met around the time that Hitler first attended a meeting of what was to become the Nazi Party, Hitler told him that he favored a 'socialism' that took the form of a 'national Social Democracy' that was loyal to the state, not dissimilar to that of [[w:Scandinavia|Scandinavia]], England, and prewar Bavaria. **[[ Thomas Weber]], ''Becoming Hitler: The Making of a Nazi'', New York, NY, Basic Books, 2017, pp. 66-67 * In theory, all Munich-based military units and thus Hitler's regiment, too, were part of the Red Army. In that sense, Hitler served in the Red Army. In reality, however, most regiments neither actively supported the [[w:Soviet Bavarian Republic| Soviet]] [Bavarian] regime nor opposed it. ** [[Thomas Weber]], ''Becoming Hitler: The Making of a Nazi'', New York, NY, Basic Books, 2017, p. 52 *At the beginning of the [[20th century|twentieth century]], few people would have suspected that a nation considered by many to be the most cultured, advanced and civilized would elect to power a homicidal maniac and allow him to seize total control of every institution in the country and every facet of the community. A man who maltreated, gassed and otherwise murdered millions of people based on their racial and ethnic background. **[[w:Stefan B. Tahmassebi|Stefan B. Tahmassebi]], as quoted in [http://web.archive.org/web/20000816062011/http://www.saf.org/LawReviews/Tahmassebi1.html "Gun Control and Racism"] (1991), by S.B. Tahmassebi, ''George Mason University Civil Rights Law Journal '', Virginia: George Mason University, p. 67. * Hitler's socialism was his own and subordinate to his secret aims. His concept of organized economy was close to genuine socialism but he would be a socialist only so long as it served the greater goal. ** [[w:John Toland (historian)|John Toland]] ''Adolf Hitler: The Definitive Biography'' New York: NY, Anchor Books—Doubleday (1976) p. 314 * It seems likely that more will be written about Adolf Hitler than about anyone else in history with the exception of [[Jesus]] [[w:Christ|Christ]]. ... As long as people are fascinated by the range and depth of evil, Hitler will find readers, for he was the [[w:Moloch|Molech]] who devoured human beings in a regime that was "the negation of God erected into a system of Government." ** [[w:Robert G. L. Waite|Robert George Leeson Waite]], ''The Psychopathic God : Adolf Hitler'' (1993), p. xi. *Hitler had genuine admiration for the decisive manner in which the President had taken over the reins of government. **John Toland, ''Adolf Hitler: The Definitive Biography'', New York, NY, Anchor Books, Doubleday (1992) p. 312n *[T]he erstwhile corporal and his 'ridiculously dangerous' Nazis, as I described them in a report. After the [Munich] Putsch he qualified as a topic, pennilessly raging against trade unions, Marxists, Masons, the Treaty of Versailles. Physically insecure he embodied frustration, and rang the bells of nationalism, which felt impotent too. Released from prison as negligible, he produced a rambling book cribbed from [[Houston Stewart Chamberlain|Houston Chamberlain]]. Few guessed that this was the new German Bible. Nobody in Britain read it, though statesmen must keep abreast of nonsense if they are to appraise our prospects. He also pinched Roman salute and blood-bath from Musso, and compounded a ''Welthanschauung'' of racialism. He had moustached disciples, a crackpot economist, [[Gottfried Feder|Feder]], a flair for hustings and [[w:National Socialist Program|25 points]]. One of them made sense, but not good sense. **[[w:Robert Vansittart, 1st Baron Vansittart|Lord Vansittart]], ''The Mist Procession'' (1958), p. 305 * Was there no resistance to his disastrous projects? There was. But it was too feeble, too weak and too late to succeed... The fact is that Hitler was beloved by his people—not the military, at least not in the beginning, but by the average Germans who pledged to him an affection, a tenderness and a fidelity that bordered on the irrational... Winston Churchill was the only man of state who unmasked Hitler immediately and refused to let himself be duped by Hitler's repeated promises that this time he was making his "last territorial demand." ... In his own "logic," Hitler was persuaded for a fairly long time that the German and British people had every reason to get along and divide up spheres of influence throughout the world. He did not understand British obstinacy in its resistance to his racial philosophy and to the practical ends it engendered... After [[Erwin Rommel|Rommel]]'s defeat in North Africa, after the debacle at Stalingrad and even when the landings in Normandy were imminent, Hitler and his entourage still had the mind to come up with the Final Solution. In his testament, drafted in a underground bunker just hours before his suicide in Berlin, Hitler returns again to this hatred of the Jewish people that had never left him. But in the same testament, he settles his score with the German people. He wants them to be sacked, destroyed, reduced to misery and shame for having failed him by denying him his glory. The former corporal become commander in chief of all his armies and convinced of his strategic and political genius was not prepared to recognize his own responsibility for the defeat of his Reich. ** [[Elie Wiesel]] in [http://www.time.com/time/time100/leaders/profile/hitler.html ''Time'' (13 April 1998)]. * Unlike [[Mussolini]] [Hitler] spurned the 'proletariat' and its Marxism, which was as bad as Christianity in his eyes, for it, too, was the faith of the downtrodden and the weak. In Vienna perhaps, certainly later in Munich, Hitler picked up, with a smattering of [[Nietzsche]], the opposite religion of the strong. ** [[w:Elizabeth Wiskemann|Elizabeth Wiskemann]] in ''[[w:The Rome-Berlin Axis|The Rome-Berlin Axis]]'' (page 13). * ...crazy, tasteless even, as it may sound, the problem with Hitler was that ''he was not violent enough'', that his violence was not 'essential' enough... ** [[Slavoj Žižek]], ''In Defense of Lost Causes'' (2008), as quoted by Adam Kirsch, "The Deadly Jester", ''The New Republic'', December 2, 2008 ==== ''The War Aims and Strategies of Adolf Hitler'' (2005) ==== :<small>by Oscar Pinkus</small> * Adolf Hitler was... a slightly stooped man... with drooping shoulders and a pallid face. ...His voice was shrill and raucus. His... [[wikt:plebeian#Adjective|plebian]] face and general resemblance to a clerk contrasted sharply with his speech... Sulky, morbid and slightly unkept... Because of his rather frail physical frame, he was rejected by the Austrians for military service... When later in the war his eyesight deteriorated he avoided wearing spectacles... He feared flying and distrusted the sea. He refused to indulge in any sport or competition, saying "A leader cannot afford to be beaten in games."<!--p. 8--> * Hitler... ate no meat, drank no alcohol, and did not smoke, nor would he allow others to smoke in his presence. Instead, he was fond of sweets. He was not interested in wealth... Of the six women with whom he was involved... five attempted or committed suicide...<!--p. 8--> * Hitler's education was rudimentary. The grades he received in school were poor and he failed to finish high school. For this he hated his teachers. ...Except for newspapers and books on military tactics he had no interest in reading for, said he, "Only a confused jumble of chaotic notions will result from all this reading."<!--p. 8--> * Hitler completely lacked what is a common human trait—a sense of shame.<!--p. 11--> * Vague, wary, secretive, he preferred endless talk. He had a remarkable memory... employed false data and false facts and when discovered never flinched, arguing "The New Testament is full of contradictions but did not prevent spread the spread of Christianity."<!--p. 11--> * Hitler can be described as a possessed psycopath... Whatever he... formulated remained unaltered throughout his life and no... facts ever altered it. He bent and slanted reality to suit his conceptions...<!--p. 12--> * All major decisions were taken by Hitler, without any consultation...<!--p. 12--> * He exterminated by class, by nationality, by race; everyone with a university degree, all retarded people, all gypsies, all Jews, all Russian POWs—slaughtering entire populations according to his private demons.<!--p. 12--> * Hitler must be classed as a [[Nihilism|nihilist]] because he possessed not one positive idea or objective. ...He had no love or loyalty to anyone or anything.<!--p. 12--> * Before he committed suicide he ordered the destruction of... the Reich, pronouncing... the German people had no right to exist, for they had proved inferior to the "Eastern Peoples."<!--p. 12--> ==Sources== *Norman H. Baynes, ed. ''The Speeches of Adolf Hitler, April 1922–August 1939'', Vols. 1 and 2, Oxford University Press, 1942. *John Cornwell, ''Hitler's Pope: The Secret History of Pius XII'', Viking, 1999. *Richard Steigmann-Gall, ''The Holy Reich: Nazi conception of Christianity, 1919–1945'', Cambridge University Press, 2003. == External links == {{similarlinks}} {{Wikipedia|List of Adolf Hitler speeches}} * [http://www.jewishvirtuallibrary.org/site-search?q=adolf+hitler Material about Hitler] at the {{w|Jewish Virtual Library}} webpage * [https://calvin.edu/search/#gsc.tab=0&gsc.q=adolf%20hitler Material about Hitler] at the {{w|Calvin College}} webpage * [http://humanitas-international.org/showcase/chronography/speeches/speeches-hitler.html Speeches by Hitler at Humanitas International] * [http://www.hitler.org/speeches/ Hitler's Speeches] * [http://www.historyplace.com/worldwar2/riseofhitler/25points.htm Hitler's 25 point national socialist program] * [http://www.mondopolitico.com/library/meinkampf/introduction.htm ''Mein Kampf'' translation at the Mondo Politico Library] * [http://gutenberg.net.au/ebooks02/0200601.zip ''Mein Kampf'' translation at Project Gutenberg of Australia] * [http://wais.stanford.edu/Dictators/dictators_hitlermussolini.htm Leadership: Hitler and Mussolini] * [http://www.lawschool.cornell.edu/library/donovan/hitler 1943 Psychological Profile of Hitler] written by Dr. Henry A. Murray for the wartime [[w:Office of Strategic Services|Office of Strategic Services]] [1943 OSS Archives, DD247.H5 M87 1943] * [http://samvak.tripod.com/hitler.html Assessment of Hitler as malignant narcissist] * {{imdb name|id=0386944|name=Adolf Hitler}} * [http://www.badley.info/history/Hitler-Adolf-Germany.biog.html Adolf Hitler Chronology World History Database] *[http://www.historyplace.com/worldwar2/riseofhitler/ Comprehensive account of the rise of Hitler and the Nazi party] *[http://www.ess.uwe.ac.uk/genocide/statements.htm Statements by Hitler and Senior Nazis Concerning Jews and Judaism] ===Videos=== *[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Q-6H4xOUrs Adolf Hitler - Speech (1932)] *[https://www.facinghistory.org/resource-library/video/triumph-will-triumph-des-willens ''Triumph of the Will'' (1935)] on ''facinghistory.org'' ==References== {{Reflist}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Hitler, Adolf}} [[Category:Adolf Hitler]] [[Category:1889 births]] [[Category:1945 deaths]] [[Category:Anti-Semites]] [[Category:Austrian politicians]] [[Category:Anti-communists]] [[Category:Roman Catholics]] [[Category:People of World War II]] [[Category:Chancellors of Germany]] [[Category:Fascist rulers]] [[Category:Heads of state]] [[Category:Non-fiction authors from Austria]] [[Category:Non-fiction authors from Germany]] [[Category:Conspiracy theorists]] [[Category:People of Nazi Germany]] [[Category:Suicides]] [[Category:Vegetarians]] [[Category:White supremacists]] [[Category:Orators]] [[Category:Articles with bare URLs]] qsqma0nzpcsu7hw948ltn8c7gbtevir 0 1547 3153152 3150125 2022-08-10T07:25:26Z 85.115.37.201 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:The Lion King|The Lion King]]''''' is a [[w:1994 in film|1994]] Disney animated film in which an [[W:masai lion|East African lion]] cub and heir to the throne of Pride Rock learns his place in [[W:East Africa|Africa]]'s [[W:Tanzania|Tanzania]]'s [[W:Serengeti|Serengeti]]. Tricked into thinking he killed his father, he flees into exile and abandons his identity as the future King, only to return years later to face his past. : ''Directed by [[w:Roger Allers|Roger Allers]] & [[w:Rob Minkoff|Rob Minkoff]]. Screenplay by [[w:Irene Mecchi|Irene Mecchi]], [[w:Jonathan Roberts|Jonathan Roberts]], and [[w:Linda Woolverton|Linda Woolverton]]. Songs by [[w:Tim Rice|Tim Rice]] and [[Elton John]]. == Cast == * [[w:Jonathan Taylor Thomas|Jonathan Taylor Thomas]] - Simba (young) * [[Matthew Broderick]] - Simba (mature) * [[Nathan Lane]] - Timon * [[w:Ernie Sabella|Ernie Sabella]] - Pumbaa * [[w:James Earl Jones|James Earl Jones]] - Mufasa * Niketa Calame - Nala (young) * [[w:Moira Kelly|Moira Kelly]] - Nala (mature) * [[Jeremy Irons]] - Scar * [[Whoopi Goldberg]] - Shenzi * [[w:Cheech Marin|Cheech Marin]] - Banzai * [[w:Jim Cummings|Jim Cummings]] - Ed * [[w:Robert Guillaume|Robert Guillaume]] - Rafiki * [[w:Rowan Atkinson|Rowan Atkinson]] - Zazu * [[w:Madge Sinclair|Madge Sinclair]] - Sarabi * Zoe Leader - Sarafina == External links == *{{wikipedia-inline|The Lion King|''The Lion King''}} *{{commonscat-inline|The Lion King|''The Lion King''}} * {{imdb title|0110357}} * {{rotten-tomatoes|lion_king}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Lion King, The}} [[Category:1994 films]] [[Category:1990s American animated films]] [[Category:Traditionally animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure films]] [[Category:American children's animated musical films]] [[Category:American children's animated drama films]] [[Category:Animated drama films]] [[Category:Drama films]] [[Category:Epic films]] [[Category:Animated films about death]] [[Category:Films about animals]] [[Category:Films about revenge]] [[Category:Films set in Africa]] [[Category:Films set in jungles]] [[Category:Screenplays by Joe Ranft]] [[Category:The Lion King]] [[Category:United States National Film Registry films]] [[Category:Films directed by Roger Allers]] [[Category:Films directed by Rob Minkoff]] apa9dssmkd5i08hkzbg4p1amkvkyr7z 3153155 3153152 2022-08-10T07:58:39Z Kalki 71 Reverted edit by [[User:85.115.37.201|85.115.37.201]] ([[User talk:85.115.37.201|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/85.115.37.201|contributions]]) to last version by 2600:8800:2309:B800:6CE5:17A6:453E:6AB5 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:The Lion King|The Lion King]]''''' is a [[w:1994 in film|1994]] Disney animated film in which an [[W:masai lion|East African lion]] cub and heir to the throne of Pride Rock learns his place in [[W:East Africa|Africa]]'s [[W:Tanzania|Tanzania]]'s [[W:Serengeti|Serengeti]]. Tricked into thinking he killed his father, he flees into exile and abandons his identity as the future King, only to return years later to face his past. : ''Directed by [[w:Roger Allers|Roger Allers]] & [[w:Rob Minkoff|Rob Minkoff]]. Screenplay by [[w:Irene Mecchi|Irene Mecchi]], [[w:Jonathan Roberts|Jonathan Roberts]], and [[w:Linda Woolverton|Linda Woolverton]]. Songs by [[w:Tim Rice|Tim Rice]] and [[Elton John]]. ==Pumbaa== * They call me ''MISTER WARTHOG!'' ''[looses a war cry]'' * Hey, Timon! You better come look. I think he's still alive. == Simba == * ''[calls out to the sky]'' Yummy! You look delicious, sky. I wanna eat you! * Little roar.. ''[scoffs]'' * Run.. run away, Scar.. and '''''never''''' return! == Scar == * ''[to a [[w:mouse|mouse]] he is about to eat]'' Life's not fair, is it? You see, I... well, I shall never be king. And you... shall never see the light of another day. Adieu. * ''[digs his claws into Mufasa's paws]'' Long live the king. ''[throws Mufasa off the cliff]'' * Run away, Simba. Run. Run away, and never return. * Mufasa's death was a terrible tragedy. But to lose Simba, who had barely begun to live... For me, it is a deep personal loss. So it is with a heavy heart that I assume the throne. Yet, out of the ashes of this tragedy, we shall rise to greet the dawning of a new era, in which [[w:lion|lion]] and [[w:hyena|hyena]] come together in a great and glorious future! == Dialogue == [[File:Serengeti, Tanzania (2337070731).jpg|thumb|When we die, our bodies become the grass, and the [[w:antelope|antelope]] eat the grass. And so we are all connected in the great Circle of Life.]] : '''Scar''': ''[Sarcastically overjoyed]'' Why! If it isn't my big brother descending from on high to mingle with the commoners. : '''Mufasa''': Sarabi and I didn't see you at the presentation of Simba. : '''Scar''': ''[Faking astonishment]'' That was ''TODAY?!'' Oh, I feel simply awful... ''[He turns and start scraping his claws on the rock wall. Zazu cringes at the sound. Admiring his claws]'' ...Must have slipped my mind. : '''Zazu''': Yes, well, as slippery as your mind is, as the king's brother, you should have been ''FIRST'' in line! : ''[Scar clicks his teeth at Zazu, who has flown near his face. Zazu takes cover behind Mufasa's foreleg. Scar bends down to speak to him.]'' : '''Scar''': Well, I was first in line... until the little ''HAIRBALL'' was born. : '''Mufasa''': ''[Lowering his head and meeting Scar eye to eye]'' That "hairball" is my son... and your future king. : '''Scar''': Ohh, I shall practice my curtsy. : ''[Scar turns away and starts to exit]'' : '''Mufasa''': ''[Warning]'' Don't turn your back on ''ME'', Scar. : '''Scar''': ''[Looking back]'' Oh, no, Mufasa. Perhaps ''YOU'' shouldn't turn ''YOUR'' back on me. : '''Mufasa''': ''[Roars and literally jumps in front of Scar, baring his teeth for the first time]'' '''''IS THAT A CHALLENGE?!''''' : '''Scar''': Temper, temper. I wouldn't ''DREAM'' of challenging you. : '''Zazu''': Pity! Why not? : '''Scar''': ''[Looking at Zazu]'' Well, as far as brains go, I got the lion's share. But, when it comes to ''BRUTE STRENGTH'' ''[looking at Mufasa]'' ...I'm afraid I'm at the shallow end of the gene pool. : ''[Exit Scar]'' : '''Zazu''': ''[Deep sigh]'' There's one in every family, sire... ''TWO'' in mine, actually. ''[perches on Mufasa's shoulder]'' And they always manage to ruin special occasions. : '''Mufasa''': What am I going to do with him? : '''Zazu''': He'd make a very handsome throw rug. : '''Mufasa''': Zazu! : '''Zazu''': And just think, whenever he gets dirty, you can take him out and ''BEAT'' him. : ''[Mufasa laughs]'' <hr width="50%" /> :'''Mufasa''': Everything you see exists together in a delicate balance. As king, you need to understand that balance and respect all the creatures, from the crawling [[w:Ant|ant]] to the leaping antelope. :'''Simba''': But, Dad, don't we eat the antelope? :'''Mufasa''': Yes, Simba, but let me explain. When we die, our bodies become the grass, and the antelope eat the grass. And so we are all connected in the great Circle of Life. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Simba''': Hey, Uncle Scar, guess what? :'''Scar''': I despise guessing games. :'''Simba''': I'm gonna be King of Pride Rock. :'''Scar''': Oh, goody. :'''Simba''': My dad just showed me the whole kingdom. And I'm gonna rule it all. Heheh. :'''Scar''': Yes. Well, forgive me for not leaping for joy. Bad back, you know. ''[flops on his side]'' :'''Simba''': Hey, Uncle Scar, when I'm king, what'll that make you? :'''Scar''': A [[W:Vervet monkey|monkey]]'s uncle. :'''Simba''': ''[laughs]'' You're so weird! :'''Scar''': You have no idea. So, your father showed you the whole kingdom, did he? :'''Simba''': Everything. :'''Scar''': He didn't show you what's beyond that rise at the northern border...? :'''Simba''': {Disappointed} Well, no... he said I can't go there. :'''Scar''': And he's ''ABSOLUTELY'' right. It's ''FAR'' too dangerous. Only the bravest lions go there. :'''Simba''': Well, ''I'M'' brave! What's out th-- :'''Scar''': ''[Interrupting]'' No, I'm sorry, Simba, I just ''CAN'T' tell you. :'''Simba''': Why not? :'''Scar''': Simba, Simba, I'm only looking out for the well- being of my favorite nephew. :''[Scar rubs and pats Simba's head]'' :'''Simba''': ''[Snorts sarcastically]'' Yeah, right, I'm your only nephew. :'''Scar''': All the more reason for me to be protective... An [[w:African bush elephant|elephant]] graveyard is no place for a young prince... [faking surprise] Oops! :'''Simba''': ''[Enthusiastic]'' An elephant ''WHAT?'' Whoa. :'''Scar''': ''[Faking dismay]'' Oh ''DEAR'', I've said too much... Well, I suppose you'd have found sooner or later, you being ''SO'' clever and all... ''[pulling Simba near]'' Oh, just do me one favor - promise me you'll never visit that ''DREADFUL'' place. :'''Simba''': ''[Thinks]'' ''NO'' problem. :'''Scar''': There's a good lad. You run along now and have fun. And remember... it's our little secret. :''[Simba leaves the rock, Scar walks away with an evil smile]'' <hr width="50%" /> :'''Simba''': ''[As he and Nala are walking in the jungle]'' Isn't this a great place? :'''Nala''': It is beautiful. But I don't understand something. You've been alive all this time. Why didn't you come back to Pride Rock? :'''Simba''': ''[climbs in the vines]'' Well, I just needed to... get out on my own. Live my own life. And I did. And it's great. :'''Nala''': We've really need you back home. :'''Simba''': No one needs me. :'''Nala''': Yes, we do. You're the king. :'''Simba''': Nala, we've been through this. I'm not the king. Scar is. :'''Nala''': Simba. He let the hyenas take over the Pride Lands. :'''Simba''': ''[shocked]'' What? :'''Nala''': Everything is destroyed. There's no food. No water. Simba, if you don't do something soon, everyone will starve. :'''Simba''': I can't go back. :'''Nala''': Why?! :'''Simba''': You wouldn't understand. :'''Nala''': What would I understand?! :'''Simba''': No, no, no. It doesn't matter. Hakuna Matata. :'''Nala''': What? :'''Simba''': Hakuna Matata. It's something I learned out here. Look, sometimes bad things happen... :'''Nala''': Simba-! :'''Simba''': and there's nothing you can do about it. So why worry? :'''Nala''': Because it's your responsibility. :'''Simba''': What about you, you left? :'''Nala''': I left to find help, and I found you! Don't you understand?! We are only hope. :'''Simba''': Sorry. :'''Nala''': What's happened to you? You're not the Simba I remember. :'''Simba''': You're right. I'm not. Now are you satisfied? :'''Nala''': No, just disappointed :'''Simba''': You know, you're starting to sound like my father. [starts walking away] :'''Nala''': Good. At least one of us does. :'''Simba''': ''[He felt shocked at what Nala said, he angrily turns to her]'' Listen, you think you can just show up and tell me how to live my life?! You don't even know what I've been through! :'''Nala''': ''[worried]'' I would if you just tell me! :'''Simba''': ''[walking away]'' Forget it! :'''Nala''': ''[angry]'' Fine! ''[turns her head away]'' <hr width="50%" /> :'''Rafiki''': Look down there. :'''Simba''': ''[looks into a pond of water]'' That's not my father. That's just my reflection. :'''Rafiki''': No, look harder. :''[he touches the water; as it ripples, Simba's reflection changes to that of Mufasa]'' :'''Rafiki''': You see? He lives in you. :'''Mufasa''': ''[from above]'' Simba. :'''Simba''': Father? :''[Simba sees his father's spirit in the sky]'' :'''Mufasa''': Simba, you have forgotten me. :'''Simba''': No. How could I? :'''Mufasa''': You have forgotten who you are and so have forgotten me. Look inside yourself, Simba. You are more than what you have become. You must take your place in the Circle of Life. :'''Simba''': How can I go back? I'm not who I used to be. :'''Mufasa''': Remember who you are. You are my son, and the one true King. Remember who you are. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Simba''': I know what I have to do. But going back means I'll have to face my past. I've been running from it for so long. :''[Rafiki hits Simba on the head with his stick]'' :'''Simba''': Ow! Jeez, what was that for? :'''Rafiki''': It doesn't matter. It's in the past. ''[laughs]'' :'''Simba''': Yeah, but it still hurts. :'''Rafiki''': Oh yes, the past can hurt. But from the way I see it, you can either run from it, or... learn from it. ''[swings his stick again at Simba, who ducks out of the way]'' Ha. You see? So what are you going to do? :'''Simba''': First, I'm gonna take your stick. :''[Simba snatches Rafiki's stick and throws it and Rafiki runs to grab it]'' :'''Rafiki''': NO, NO, NO, NO, NOT THE STICK! HEY, WHERE YOU GOING?! :'''Simba''': I'M GOING BACK! :'''Rafiki''': GOOD! GO ON! GET OUT OF HERE! :''[Rafiki begins laughing and screeching loudly]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Simba, Nala, Timon, and Pumbaa, make it to the Pride Lands]'' :'''Timon''': [[w:spotted hyena|Hyenas]]. I hate hyenas. ''[whispers to Simba]'' So what your plan for getting past those guys? :'''Simba''': Live bait. :'''Timon''': Good idea. ''[reacts]'' ''HEY!'' :'''Simba''': Come on, Timon! You guys have to create a diversion. :'''Timon''': What do you want me to do, dress in drag and do the hula?! <hr width="50%" /> :'''Scar''': Ahh, so you haven't told them your little secret. Well, Simba, now's your chance to tell them. Tell them who is responsible for Mufasa's death! :'''Simba''': ''[pause]'' I am. :'''Sarabi''': ''[whispering]'' It's not true. Tell me it's not true. :'''Simba''': It's true. :'''Scar''': You see? He admits it. MURDERER! :'''Simba''': No! It was an accident! :'''Scar''': If it weren't for you, Mufasa would still be alive. It's your fault he's dead. Do you deny it? :'''Simba''': No. :'''Scar''': Then you're ''GUILTY''. :'''Simba''': No, I'm ''NOT'' a murderer! :'''Scar''': Oh, Simba, you're in trouble again. But this time Daddy isn't here to save you. And now EVERYONE KNOWS WHY! :''[Simba falls at the edge of a cliff while a fire burns below.]'' :'''Nala''': SIMBA! :'''Scar''': ''[looking at Simba who is clinging to the edge of the cliff]'' Now this looks familiar. Where have I seen this before? Hm, let me think. Oh, yes, I remember! This is just the way your father looked before he died. :''[He claws Simba's paws the same way he did to Mufasa]'' :'''Scar''': And here's ''my'' little secret. ''[whispers]'' I killed Mufasa! :'''Simba''': ''[Enraged, he leaps back up and pounces on Scar] '''NO! MURDERER!!!''' :'''Scar''': No, Simba! Please! :'''Simba''': Tell them the truth. :'''Scar''': Truth? But truth is in the eye of the behold... ''[Simba chokes him, he whispers]'' All right. All right. I did it. :'''Simba''': So they can hear you. :'''Scar''': I KILLED MUFASA! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Timon and Zazu are cornered by the hyenas]'' :'''Timon''': Please don't eat me! :'''Pumbaa''': DROP 'EM! :'''Banzai''': Hey! Who's the [[W:common warthog|pig]]? :'''Pumbaa''': Are you talkin' to me? :'''Timon''': Uh-oh! They called him the [[w:pig|pig]]. :'''Pumbaa''': Are you talking to me? :'''Timon''': Shouldn't have done that. :'''Pumbaa''': ARE YOU TALKING TO ME?! :'''Timon''': Now they're in for it! :'''Pumbaa''': They call me... MR. PIG!!! :''[he screams and charges at the hyenas]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Simba''': Murderer. :'''Scar''': Simba, Simba, please. Please have mercy, I beg you. :'''Simba''': You don't deserve to live. :'''Scar''': But, Simba, I... am... family. It's the hyenas who are the real enemy. It was their fault. It was their idea! :'''Simba''': Why should I believe you? Everything you ever told me was a lie. :'''Scar''': What are you going to do? You wouldn't kill your ''OLD'' uncle...? :'''Simba''': No, Scar. I'm not like you. :'''Scar''': Oh, Simba, thank you. You are truly noble. I'll make it up to you, I promise. How can I, ah, prove myself to you? Tell me anything, anything. :'''Simba''': Run. Run away, Scar. And never return. :'''Scar''': Yes. Of course. As you wish, your MAJESTY! == Taglines == *See it for the first time ever in 3D (2011 3D re-release) *The greatest adventure of all is finding our place in the circle of life. *The King Has Returned. [for Christmas 2002 IMAX release.] *The Circle of Life == Cast == * [[w:Jonathan Taylor Thomas|Jonathan Taylor Thomas]] - Simba (young) * [[Matthew Broderick]] - Simba (mature) * [[Nathan Lane]] - Timon * [[w:Ernie Sabella|Ernie Sabella]] - Pumbaa * [[w:James Earl Jones|James Earl Jones]] - Mufasa * Niketa Calame - Nala (young) * [[w:Moira Kelly|Moira Kelly]] - Nala (mature) * [[Jeremy Irons]] - Scar * [[Whoopi Goldberg]] - Shenzi * [[w:Cheech Marin|Cheech Marin]] - Banzai * [[w:Jim Cummings|Jim Cummings]] - Ed * [[w:Robert Guillaume|Robert Guillaume]] - Rafiki * [[w:Rowan Atkinson|Rowan Atkinson]] - Zazu * [[w:Madge Sinclair|Madge Sinclair]] - Sarabi * Zoe Leader - Sarafina == External links == *{{wikipedia-inline|The Lion King|''The Lion King''}} *{{commonscat-inline|The Lion King|''The Lion King''}} * {{imdb title|0110357}} * {{rotten-tomatoes|lion_king}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Lion King, The}} [[Category:1994 films]] [[Category:1990s American animated films]] [[Category:Traditionally animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure films]] [[Category:American children's animated musical films]] [[Category:American children's animated drama films]] [[Category:Animated drama films]] [[Category:Drama films]] [[Category:Epic films]] [[Category:Animated films about death]] [[Category:Films about animals]] [[Category:Films about revenge]] [[Category:Films set in Africa]] [[Category:Films set in jungles]] [[Category:Screenplays by Joe Ranft]] [[Category:The Lion King]] [[Category:United States National Film Registry films]] [[Category:Films directed by Roger Allers]] [[Category:Films directed by Rob Minkoff]] lsbk1gcrk7qynw2g1qv6t967ca7mb8w 0 1658 3152948 3145448 2022-08-09T16:35:09Z 205.237.131.3 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Shrek|Shrek]]''''' is a [[w:2001 in film|2001]] [[w:animated film|animated film]] about an ogre who, in order to regain his swamp, travels along with a donkey in order to bring a princess to a scheming lord who wishes to become King. :''Directed by [[w:Andrew Adamson|Andrew Adamson]] and [[Vicky Jenson]]. Written by [[w:Ted Elliott|Ted Elliott]] and [[w:Terry Rossio|Terry Rossio]].'' ''Story by [[w:William Steig|William Steig]] (book)'' {{center|'''The greatest fairy tale never told.''' <small>([[#Taglines|taglines]])</small>}} == Shrek == * That'll do, Donkey. That'll do. * Donkey, two things, okay? Shut... up! == Donkey == * All right, nobody move! I've got a dragon and I'm not afraid to use it! I'm a donkey on the edge! == Dialogue == :''[Shrek sneaks up on a mob about to enter his swamp]'' :'''First villager''': I think it's in there? :'''Second Villager''': All right, let's get it! :'''Third villager''': Whoa, hold on! Do you know what that thing could do to you? :'''Fourth villager''': Yeah, it'll grind your bones for its bread. :'''Shrek''': Really? ''[exposes himself]'' Well, actually, that would be a giant. Now, ogres - oh, they're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin! They'll shave your liver, squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast. :'''Fifth villager''': ''[waves his torch in front of Shrek]'' Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya! ''[Shrek calmly licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch like a match; he smiles nervously while dropping the unlit torch]'' Right. :''[Then Shrek roars ferociously until the villagers stop screaming and yelling]'' :'''Shrek''': ''[quietly]'' This is the part where you run away. ''[the villagers do so; laughs]'' And stay out! "''[he picks up a wanted poster and reads it]'' "Wanted: Fairy Tale Creatures". ''[rolls his eyes, walks back to the house, and throws the wanted poster as it lands on the ground face up]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Old Lady''': ''[moves Donkey's lips]'' I can talk. I love to talk! I'm the talkin'est damn thing you ever saw. :'''Captain''': ''[annoyed and angrily]'' Get her outta my sight! :'''Old Lady''': No, no! I swear! ''[Guards took her away]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Shrek''': ''[to Donkey]'' WHY...are you following me? :'''Donkey''': I'll tell you why. ''[sings]'' :'Cause I'm all alone. :There's no one here beside me. :My problems have all gone. :There's no one to deride me! :But ya gotta have friends! :'''Shrek''': Stop singing! Well, it's no wonder you don't have any friends. :'''Donkey''': Wow! Only a true friend would be that truly honest. :'''Shrek''': Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me, what am I? :'''Donkey''': Uh... ''[looks Shrek up and down]'' Really tall? :'''Shrek''': No! I'm an ogre! Y’know, "Grab your torch and pitchforks!" Doesn't that bother you? :'''Donkey''': ''[shakes his head happily]'' Nope. :'''Shrek''': ''[surprised]'' Really? :'''Donkey''': Really, really. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Donkey''': ''[looks at a hovel]'' Whoa, look at that. Who'd wanna live in a place like that? :'''Shrek''': '''''That''''' would be my home. :'''Donkey''': Oh, and it is lovely! You know, you're really quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. ''[looks at boulder]'' I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. ''[eyes the KEEP OUT signs surrounding Shrek's home]'' I guess you don't, uh, entertain much, do you? :'''Shrek''': I like my privacy. :'''Donkey''': Y'know, I do too! That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you've got someone in your face, you try to give 'em a hint, they won't leave, and then there's that big awkward silence, you know... ''[silence ensues]'' ...Can I stay wit you? :'''Shrek''': Uh, what?! :'''Donkey''': Can I stay wit you... please? :'''Shrek''': ''[sarcastically]'' Of course! :'''Donkey''': Really? :'''Shrek''': No. :'''Donkey''': Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak, Shrek! ''[slight pause; Shrek gives Donkey a look]'' Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together! You gotta let me stay! Please, please! :'''Shrek''': Okay! Okay. But one night only. :'''Donkey''': Ah, thank you! ''[runs to the chair inside]'' :'''Shrek''': Ahh! What are you doing?! No, no! :'''Donkey''': This is gon’ be fun. We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin', I'm makin' waffles! :'''Shrek''': Ohh! :'''Donkey''': Where do, uh, I sleep? :'''Shrek''': Outside!! :'''Donkey''': Oh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Shrek discovers the Seven Dwarves have placed Snow White on his kitchen table knocking everything on it, off.]'' :'''Shrek''': Oh, no, no, no, no! Dead broad off the table! :'''Dwarf''': Well, where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken! :'''Shrek''': Huh? :''[rushes over to his bed to find...]'' :'''Big Bad Wolf''': What? : '''Shrek''': ''[Carrying Big Bad Wolf by the scruff of his neck]'' I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I’m a terrifying ogre. '''''What do I have to do to get a little privacy?!?!?!?''''' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Shrek, his swamp filled with fairytale creatures, glares at Donkey]'' :'''Donkey''': Hey, don't look at me, I didn't invite them! :'''Pinocchio''': Oh, gosh, no one invited us! :'''Shrek''': What? :'''Pinocchio''': We were forced to come here! :'''Shrek''': By who? :'''Little Pig''': Lord Farquaad. He huffed, and he puffed... and he signed an eviction notice. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lord Farquaad''': ''[sees Thelonius and Felonious dunking Gingy in milk]'' That's it! All right, that's it! He's ready to talk. ''[puts him down; Farquaad chuckles, then signals for the table to lower; clears his throat]'' ''[playing with Gingy’s legs and holding them up]'' Run, run, run, as fast as you can; you can't catch me, I'm the Gingerbread Man! :'''Gingy''': You’re a monster. :'''Lord Farquaad''': I am not the monster here, you are! You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. ''[crushes Gingy’s legs to crumbs as he says this]'' Now, tell me! Where are the others?! :'''Gingy''': Eat me!! ''[spits milk at Farquaad who wipes it away]'' :'''Lord Farquaad''': ''[grunts and straining]'' I've tried to be fair to you creatures, but now my patience has reached its end! Now, tell me! Tell me, or I'll… ''[reaches to pull off one of Gingy's buttons]'' :'''Gingy''': No, no! Not the buttons! Not my gumdrop buttons! :'''Lord Farquaad''': ''[shines a lamp on Gingy]'' All right, then, who's hiding them?! :'''Gingy''': Okay! I'll tell you. Do you know… the muffin man? :'''Lord Farquaad''': The muffin man? :'''Gingy''': The muffin man. :'''Lord Farquaad''': Yes. I know the muffin man. Who-Who lives on Drury Lane? :'''Gingy''': Well, she's married to the muffin man. :'''Lord Farquaad''': The muffin man?! :'''Gingy''': The muffin man!! :'''Lord Farquaad''': She's married to the muffin man. :''[Door opens]'' :'''Captain''': My lord! We found it. :'''Lord Farquaad''': Well, then what are you waiting for? Bring it in. <hr width="50%"/> :''[arriving at Duloc]'' :'''Shrek''': ''[observing a giant building]'' So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle... :'''Donkey''': Uh-huh, that's the place. :'''Shrek''': Do you think he's maybe compensating for something? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Shrek enters the tournament]'' :'''Lord Farquaad''': What is that? It's hideous! :'''Shrek''': Well, that's not very nice. ''[gestures to Donkey]'' It's just a donkey. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Donkey and Shrek are now walking through the field heading away from DuLoc. Shrek is munching on an onion.]'' :'''Donkey''': Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad’ll give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. Is that about right? :'''Shrek''': Y’know, maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk. :'''Donkey''': I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grind his bones to make your bread, the whole ogre trip. :'''Shrek''': Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you? :'''Donkey''': Uh, no, not really, no. :'''Shrek''': For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than people think. :'''Donkey''': Example? :'''Shrek''': Example... uh... ogres are like onions! :''[holds up an onion, which Donkey sniffs]'' :'''Donkey''': They stink? :'''Shrek''': Yes... No! :'''Donkey''': Oh, they make you cry? :'''Shrek''': No! :'''Donkey''': Oh, you leave 'em out in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs... :'''Shrek''': ''[peels an onion]'' '''''No! Layers. Onions have layers. Ogres have layers... You get it? We both have layers.''''' :''[heaves a sigh and then walks off]'' :'''Donkey''': Oh, you both have '''''layers'''''. Oh. You know, not everybody like onions. Cake! Everybody loves cake! Cakes have layers! :'''Shrek''': I don't '''''care''''' what everyone likes! Ogres are '''''not''''' like '''''cakes'''''! :'''Donkey''': You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits! Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "Hell no, I don't like no parfait."? Parfaits are delicious! :'''Shrek''': No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! End of story! Bye-bye! See ya later. :'''Donkey''': Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet! :'''Shrek''': Y’know, I think I preferred your humming. :'''Donkey''': Do you have a tissue or somethin’? I'm makin’ a mess. Just the word “parfait” make me start slobberin’. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Shrek and Donkey are crossing a wooden bridge over a moat of lava]'' :'''Donkey''': Don't look down, don't look down, don't look down, keep on movin’, don't look down... ''[a board under Donkey breaks, prompting Donkey]'' Shrek, I'm lookin’ down! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Shrek''': That'll do, Donkey. That'll do. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Donkey''': So where is this fire-breathin' pain in the neck, anyway? :'''Shrek''': Inside, waiting for us to rescue her. :'''Donkey''': I was talkin' about the '''''dragon''''', Shrek. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Shrek''': Donkey, two things, okay? Shut... up! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fiona''': Where are you going? The exit's over there! :'''Shrek''': ''[going to save Donkey]'' Well, I have to save my ass. :'''Fiona''': ''[shocked]'' What kind of knight '''''are''''' you?!?!? :'''Shrek''': One of a kind. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Donkey''': Hi, Princess! :'''Fiona''': It talks! :'''Shrek''': Yeah, it's gettin’ him to shut up that's the trick! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fiona''': The sooner we get to Duloc, the better! :'''Donkey''': Oh, you gonna love it there, Princess, it's beautiful! :'''Fiona''': And my groom-to-be Lord Farquaad, what's he like? :'''Shrek''': Well, let me put it this way, Princess: men of his stature are in '''''short''''' supply. :''[chortles]'' :'''Donkey''': Yeah! There are those who think '''''little''''' of him! :''[Shrek and Donkey laugh]'' :'''Fiona''': Stop it. Stop it, both of you! You know, you're just jealous that you could never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad. :'''Shrek''': [grins] Maybe. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow! :'''Fiona''': [suddenly anxious] Tomorrow? Will it really take that long? Shouldn't we set up camp? :'''Shrek''': No, that'll take '''''longer'''''. :'''Fiona''': But there's... robbers in the woods! :'''Donkey''': [tense] Whoa, time out, Shrek! Campin' sure is startin' to sound like a good idea 'round here! :'''Shrek''': Hey, come on! I'm scarier than anything we're gonna see in this forest-- :'''Fiona''': [furious] I need to find somewhere to camp '''''NOW!!!''''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Donkey''': Who are you trying to keep out? Just tell me that, Shrek. Who? '''Shrek''': Everyone! OKAY? '''Donkey''': Oh, now we're getting somewhere! '''Shrek''': Oh, for the love of Pete! '''Donkey''': Hey, what's your problem, Shrek, what you got against the whole world anyway, huh? :'''Shrek''': Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me! People take one look at me and go "Aargh! Help! Run! A big stupid ugly ogre!" They judge me before they even know me - that's why I'm better off alone... :'''Donkey''': You know, Shrek... when we first met, I didn't think you were a big, stupid, ugly ogre. :'''Shrek''': Yeah, I know. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Shrek has been hit by an arrow fired by one of Robin Hood’s Merry Men that ricocheted off of a tree]'' :'''Fiona''': Oh, oh, this is all my fault... :'''Donkey''': Why, what's wrong? :'''Fiona''': Shrek's hurt! :'''Donkey''': Shrek's hurt? Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die! :'''Shrek''': Donkey, I'm okay! :'''Donkey''': You can't do this to me, Shrek, I'm too young for you to die! Keep your feet elevated! Turn your head and cough! Does anybody know the Heimlich...? :'''Fiona''': ''[grabs Donkey]'' Donkey, calm down! If you wanna help Shrek, go into the forest and look for a blue flower with red thorns. :'''Donkey''': Blue flower, red thorns! Okay, I got it! Blue flower, red thorns! Blue flower, red thorns! Don't die, Shrek, and if you see any long tunnels, stay away from the light! :'''Fiona & Shrek''': Donkey! :'''Donkey''': Okay, okay. Blue flower, red thorns! Blue flower, red thorns! :''[runs off]'' :'''Shrek''': What're the flowers for? :'''Fiona''': For getting rid of Donkey. :'''Shrek''' : Ah. :'''Fiona''': Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out. :''[gives the arrow a little pull]'' :'''Shrek''': ''[jumps away]'' Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'. :'''Fiona''' : I'm sorry, but it has to come out. :'''Shrek''': No, it's tender. :'''Fiona''': Now, hold on. :'''Shrek''': What you're doing is the opposite of help. :'''Fiona''': Don't move. :'''Shrek''': Look, time out. :'''Fiona''': ''[Shrek has his hand on Fiona’s face]'' Would you... ''[grunts]'' Okay. What do you propose we do? :'''Donkey''': Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns. :'''Shrek''': ''[screaming]'' Owwww! :'''Donkey''': [hears Shrek scream] Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'! ''[Grabs a blue flower with red thorns from a bush]'' :'''Shrek''': Ow! Not good. :'''Fiona''': Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head. ''[Grunts]'' It's just about... :'''Shrek''': Ow! Ohh! :'''Donkey''': ''[he sees Fiona on top of Shrek]'' Ahem. :'''Shrek''': Nothing happened… :''[Fiona falls off]'' :…We were just, uh- :'''Donkey''': Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay? :'''Shrek''': Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- :''[Fiona pulls the arrow out]'' :'''Shrek''': Ugh! :''[he turns to look at Fiona who holds up the arrow with a smile]'' :'''Shrek''': ''[hoarsely]'' Ow! :'''Donkey''': Hey, what's that? ''[nervous chuckle]'' That's...is that blood? :''[faints]'' == See also == * ''[[Shrek 2]]'' * ''[[Shrek the Third]]'' * ''[[Shrek Forever After]]'' * [[Puss in Boots (2011 film)|''Puss in Boots'' (2011 film)]] == Taglines == * The greatest fairy tale never told. * The Prince isn't charming. The Princess isn't sleeping. The sidekick isn't helping. The ogre is the hero. Fairy tales will never be the same again. == Cast == * [[w:Mike Myers|Mike Myers]] &ndash; Shrek & Blind Mouse (voice) * [[Eddie Murphy]] &ndash; Donkey (voice) * [[Cameron Diaz]] &ndash; Princess Fiona (voice) * [[w:John Lithgow|John Lithgow]] &ndash; Lord Farquaad (voice) * [[w:Vincent Cassel|Vincent Cassel]] &ndash; Monsieur Hood (voice) * [[w:Peter Dennis|Peter Dennis]] & Clive Pearse &ndash; Ogre Hunters (voice) * [[w:Jim Cummings|Jim Cummings]] &ndash; Captain of Guards (voice) * Bobby Block &ndash; Baby Bear (voice) * [[w:Chris Miller (animator)|Chris Miller]] &ndash; Geppetto & Magic Mirror (voice) * [[w:Cody Cameron|Cody Cameron]] &ndash; Pinocchio & Three Pigs (voice) * [[w:Kathleen Freeman|Kathleen Freeman]] &ndash; Old Woman (voice) * [[w:Michael Galasso|Michael Galasso]] &ndash; Peter Pan (voice) * [[w:Christopher Knights|Christopher Knights]] &ndash; Blind Mouse & Thelonius (voice) * [[w:Simon J. Smith|Simon J. Smith]] &ndash; Blind Mouse (voice) * [[w:Conrad Vernon|Conrad Vernon]] &ndash; Gingerbread Man (voice) * Jacquie Barnbrook &ndash; Wrestling Fan (voice) * Guillaume Aretos, John Bisom, Matthew Gonder, Calvin Remsberg & Jean-Paul Vignon &ndash; Merry Men (voice) * [[w:Val Bettin|Val Bettin]] &ndash; Bishop (voice) * [[w:Aron Warner|Aron Warner]] &ndash; Big Bad Wolf (voice) * [[w:Andrew Adamson|Andrew Adamson]] &ndash; Duloc Mascot (voice) == External links == {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title|id=0126029|title=Shrek}} [[Category:2001 films]] [[Category:2000s American animated films]] [[Category:American computer-animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure films]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy films]] [[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]] [[Category:Films based on novels]] [[Category:Best Animated Feature Academy Award winners]] [[Category:Shrek|Shrek 1]] [[Category:United States National Film Registry films]] [[Category:Films about royalty]] p0dxbnk6emu1t2g5140u4lh00y61rq8 3152950 3152948 2022-08-09T16:38:41Z 205.237.131.3 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Shrek|Shrek]]''''' is a [[w:2001 in film|2001]] [[w:animated film|animated film]] about an ogre who, in order to regain his swamp, travels along with a donkey in order to bring a princess to a scheming lord who wishes to become King. :''Directed by [[w:Andrew Adamson|Andrew Adamson]] and [[Vicky Jenson]]. Written by [[w:Ted Elliott|Ted Elliott]] and [[w:Terry Rossio|Terry Rossio]].'' ''Story by [[w:William Steig|William Steig]] (book)'' {{center|'''The greatest fairy tale never told.''' <small>([[#Taglines|taglines]])</small>}} == Shrek == * That'll do, Donkey. That'll do. * Donkey, two things, okay? Shut... up! == Donkey == * All right, nobody move! I've got a dragon and I'm not afraid to use it! I'm a donkey on the edge! == Dialogue == :''[Shrek sneaks up on a mob about to enter his swamp]'' :'''First villager''': I think it's in there? :'''Second Villager''': All right, let's get it! :'''Third villager''': Whoa, hold on! Do you know what that thing could do to you? :'''Fourth villager''': Yeah, it'll grind your bones for its bread. :'''Shrek''': Really? ''[exposes himself]'' Well, actually, that would be a giant. Now, ogres - oh, they're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin! They'll shave your liver, squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast. :'''Fifth villager''': ''[waves his torch in front of Shrek]'' Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya! ''[Shrek calmly licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch like a match; he smiles nervously while dropping the unlit torch]'' Right. :''[Then Shrek roars ferociously until the villagers stop screaming and yelling]'' :'''Shrek''': ''[quietly]'' This is the part where you run away. ''[the villagers do so; laughs]'' And stay out! "''[he picks up a wanted poster and reads it]'' "Wanted: Fairy Tale Creatures". ''[rolls his eyes, walks back to the house, and throws the wanted poster as it lands on the ground face up]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Old Lady''': ''[moves Donkey's lips]'' I can talk. I love to talk! I'm the talkin'est damn thing you ever saw. :'''Captain''': ''[annoyed and angrily]'' Get her outta my sight! :'''Old Lady''': No, no! I swear! ''[Guards took her away]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Shrek''': ''[to Donkey]'' WHY...are you following me? :'''Donkey''': I'll tell you why. ''[sings]'' :'Cause I'm all alone. :There's no one here beside me. :My problems have all gone. :There's no one to deride me! :But ya gotta have friends! :'''Shrek''': Stop singing! Well, it's no wonder you don't have any friends. :'''Donkey''': Wow! Only a true friend would be that truly honest. :'''Shrek''': Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me, what am I? :'''Donkey''': Uh... ''[looks Shrek up and down]'' Really tall? :'''Shrek''': No! I'm an ogre! Y’know, "Grab your torch and pitchforks!" Doesn't that bother you? :'''Donkey''': ''[shakes his head happily]'' Nope. :'''Shrek''': ''[surprised]'' Really? :'''Donkey''': Really, really. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Donkey''': ''[looks at a hovel]'' Whoa, look at that. Who'd wanna live in a place like that? :'''Shrek''': '''''That''''' would be my home. :'''Donkey''': Oh, and it is lovely! You know, you're really quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. ''[looks at boulder]'' I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. ''[eyes the KEEP OUT signs surrounding Shrek's home]'' I guess you don't, uh, entertain much, do you? :'''Shrek''': I like my privacy. :'''Donkey''': Y'know, I do too! That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you've got someone in your face, you try to give 'em a hint, they won't leave, and then there's that big awkward silence, you know... ''[silence ensues]'' ...Can I stay wit you? :'''Shrek''': Uh, what?! :'''Donkey''': Can I stay wit you... please? :'''Shrek''': ''[sarcastically]'' Of course! :'''Donkey''': Really? :'''Shrek''': No. :'''Donkey''': Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak, Shrek! ''[slight pause; Shrek gives Donkey a look]'' Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together! You gotta let me stay! Please, please! :'''Shrek''': Okay! Okay. But one night only. :'''Donkey''': Ah, thank you! ''[runs to the chair inside]'' :'''Shrek''': Ahh! What are you doing?! No, no! :'''Donkey''': This is gon’ be fun. We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin', I'm makin' waffles! :'''Shrek''': Ohh! :'''Donkey''': Where do, uh, I sleep? :'''Shrek''': Outside!! :'''Donkey''': Oh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Shrek discovers the Seven Dwarves have placed Snow White on his kitchen table knocking everything on it, off.]'' :'''Shrek''': Oh, no, no, no, no! Dead broad off the table! :'''Dwarf''': Well, where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken! :'''Shrek''': Huh? :''[rushes over to his bed to find...]'' :'''Big Bad Wolf''': What? : '''Shrek''': ''[Carrying Big Bad Wolf by the scruff of his neck]'' I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I’m a terrifying ogre. '''''What do I have to do to get a little privacy?!?!?!?''''' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Shrek, his swamp filled with fairytale creatures, glares at Donkey]'' :'''Donkey''': Hey, don't look at me, I didn't invite them! :'''Pinocchio''': Oh, gosh, no one invited us! :'''Shrek''': What? :'''Pinocchio''': We were forced to come here! :'''Shrek''': By who? :'''Little Pig''': Lord Farquaad. He huffed, and he puffed... and he signed an eviction notice. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lord Farquaad''': ''[sees Thelonius and Felonious dunking Gingy in milk]'' That's it! All right, that's it! He's ready to talk. ''[puts him down; Farquaad chuckles, then signals for the table to lower; clears his throat]'' ''[playing with Gingy’s legs and holding them up]'' Run, run, run, as fast as you can; you can't catch me, I'm the Gingerbread Man! :'''Gingy''': You’re a monster. :'''Lord Farquaad''': I am not the monster here, you are! You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. ''[crushes Gingy’s legs to crumbs as he says this]'' Now, tell me! Where are the others?! :'''Gingy''': Eat me!! ''[spits milk at Farquaad who wipes it away]'' :'''Lord Farquaad''': ''[grunts and straining]'' I've tried to be fair to you creatures, but now my patience has reached its end! Now, tell me! Tell me, or I'll… ''[reaches to pull off one of Gingy's buttons]'' :'''Gingy''': No, no! Not the buttons! Not my gumdrop buttons! :'''Lord Farquaad''': ''[shines a lamp on Gingy]'' All right, then, who's hiding them?! :'''Gingy''': Okay! I'll tell you. Do you know… the muffin man? :'''Lord Farquaad''': The muffin man? :'''Gingy''': The muffin man. :'''Lord Farquaad''': Yes. I know the muffin man. Who-Who lives on Drury Lane? :'''Gingy''': Well, she's married to the muffin man. :'''Lord Farquaad''': The muffin man?! :'''Gingy''': The muffin man!! :'''Lord Farquaad''': She's married to the muffin man. :''[Door opens]'' :'''Captain''': My lord! We found it. :'''Lord Farquaad''': Well, then what are you waiting for? Bring it in. <hr width="50%"/> :''[arriving at Duloc]'' :'''Shrek''': ''[observing a giant building]'' So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle... :'''Donkey''': Uh-huh, that's the place. :'''Shrek''': Do you think he's maybe compensating for something? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Shrek enters the tournament]'' :'''Lord Farquaad''': What is that? It's hideous! :'''Shrek''': Well, that's not very nice. ''[gestures to Donkey]'' It's just a donkey. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Donkey and Shrek are now walking through the field heading away from DuLoc. Shrek is munching on an onion.]'' :'''Donkey''': Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad’ll give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. Is that about right? :'''Shrek''': Y’know, maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk. :'''Donkey''': I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grind his bones to make your bread, the whole ogre trip. :'''Shrek''': Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you? :'''Donkey''': Uh, no, not really, no. :'''Shrek''': For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than people think. :'''Donkey''': Example? :'''Shrek''': Example... uh... ogres are like onions! :''[holds up an onion, which Donkey sniffs]'' :'''Donkey''': They stink? :'''Shrek''': Yes... No! :'''Donkey''': Oh, they make you cry? :'''Shrek''': No! :'''Donkey''': Oh, you leave 'em out in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs... :'''Shrek''': ''[peels an onion]'' '''''No! Layers. Onions have layers. Ogres have layers... You get it? We both have layers.''''' :''[heaves a sigh and then walks off]'' :'''Donkey''': Oh, you both have '''''layers'''''. Oh. You know, not everybody like onions. Cake! Everybody loves cake! Cakes have layers! :'''Shrek''': I don't '''''care''''' what everyone likes! Ogres are '''''not''''' like '''''cakes'''''! :'''Donkey''': You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits! Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "Hell no, I don't like no parfait."? Parfaits are delicious! :'''Shrek''': No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! End of story! Bye-bye! See ya later. :'''Donkey''': Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet! :'''Shrek''': Y’know, I think I preferred your humming. :'''Donkey''': Do you have a tissue or somethin’? I'm makin’ a mess. Just the word “parfait” make me start slobberin’. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Shrek and Donkey are crossing a wooden bridge over a moat of lava]'' :'''Donkey''': Don't look down, don't look down, don't look down, keep on movin’, don't look down... ''[a board under Donkey breaks, prompting Donkey]'' Shrek, I'm lookin’ down! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Shrek''': That'll do, Donkey. That'll do. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Donkey''': So where is this fire-breathin' pain in the neck, anyway? :'''Shrek''': Inside, waiting for us to rescue her. :'''Donkey''': I was talkin' about the '''''dragon''''', Shrek. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Shrek''': Donkey, two things, okay? Shut... up! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fiona''': Where are you going? The exit's over there! :'''Shrek''': ''[going to save Donkey]'' Well, I have to save my ass. :'''Fiona''': ''[shocked]'' What kind of knight '''''are''''' you?!?!? :'''Shrek''': One of a kind. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Donkey''': Hi, Princess! :'''Fiona''': It talks! :'''Shrek''': Yeah, it's gettin’ him to shut up that's the trick! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fiona''': The sooner we get to Duloc, the better! :'''Donkey''': Oh, you gonna love it there, Princess, it's beautiful! :'''Fiona''': And my groom-to-be Lord Farquaad, what's he like? :'''Shrek''': Well, let me put it this way, Princess: men of his stature are in '''''short''''' supply. :''[chortles]'' :'''Donkey''': Yeah! There are those who think '''''little''''' of him! :''[Shrek and Donkey laugh]'' :'''Fiona''': Stop it. Stop it, both of you! You know, you're just jealous that you could never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad. :'''Shrek''': [grins] Maybe. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow! :'''Fiona''': [suddenly anxious] Tomorrow? Will it really take that long? Shouldn't we set up camp? :'''Shrek''': No, that'll take '''''longer'''''. :'''Fiona''': But there's... robbers in the woods! :'''Donkey''': [tense] Whoa, time out, Shrek! Campin' sure is startin' to sound like a good idea 'round here! :'''Shrek''': Hey, come on! I'm scarier than anything we're gonna see in this forest-- :'''Fiona''': [furious] I need to find somewhere to camp '''''NOW!!!''''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Donkey''': Who are you trying to keep out? Just tell me that, Shrek. Who? :'''Shrek''': Everyone! OKAY? :'''Donkey''': Oh, now we're getting somewhere! :'''Shrek''': Oh, for the love of Pete! :'''Donkey''': Hey, what's your problem, Shrek, what you got against the whole world anyway, huh? :'''Shrek''': Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me! People take one look at me and go "Aargh! Help! Run! A big stupid ugly ogre!" They judge me before they even know me - that's why I'm better off alone... :'''Donkey''': You know, Shrek... when we first met, I didn't think you were a big, stupid, ugly ogre. :'''Shrek''': Yeah, I know. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Shrek has been hit by an arrow fired by one of Robin Hood’s Merry Men that ricocheted off of a tree]'' :'''Fiona''': Oh, oh, this is all my fault... :'''Donkey''': Why, what's wrong? :'''Fiona''': Shrek's hurt! :'''Donkey''': Shrek's hurt? Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die! :'''Shrek''': Donkey, I'm okay! :'''Donkey''': You can't do this to me, Shrek, I'm too young for you to die! Keep your feet elevated! Turn your head and cough! Does anybody know the Heimlich...? :'''Fiona''': ''[grabs Donkey]'' Donkey, calm down! If you wanna help Shrek, go into the forest and look for a blue flower with red thorns. :'''Donkey''': Blue flower, red thorns! Okay, I got it! Blue flower, red thorns! Blue flower, red thorns! Don't die, Shrek, and if you see any long tunnels, stay away from the light! :'''Fiona & Shrek''': Donkey! :'''Donkey''': Okay, okay. Blue flower, red thorns! Blue flower, red thorns! :''[runs off]'' :'''Shrek''': What're the flowers for? :'''Fiona''': For getting rid of Donkey. :'''Shrek''' : Ah. :'''Fiona''': Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out. :''[gives the arrow a little pull]'' :'''Shrek''': ''[jumps away]'' Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'. :'''Fiona''' : I'm sorry, but it has to come out. :'''Shrek''': No, it's tender. :'''Fiona''': Now, hold on. :'''Shrek''': What you're doing is the opposite of help. :'''Fiona''': Don't move. :'''Shrek''': Look, time out. :'''Fiona''': ''[Shrek has his hand on Fiona’s face]'' Would you... ''[grunts]'' Okay. What do you propose we do? :'''Donkey''': Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns. :'''Shrek''': ''[screaming]'' Owwww! :'''Donkey''': [hears Shrek scream] Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'! ''[Grabs a blue flower with red thorns from a bush]'' :'''Shrek''': Ow! Not good. :'''Fiona''': Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head. ''[Grunts]'' It's just about... :'''Shrek''': Ow! Ohh! :'''Donkey''': ''[he sees Fiona on top of Shrek]'' Ahem. :'''Shrek''': Nothing happened… :''[Fiona falls off]'' :…We were just, uh- :'''Donkey''': Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay? :'''Shrek''': Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- :''[Fiona pulls the arrow out]'' :'''Shrek''': Ugh! :''[he turns to look at Fiona who holds up the arrow with a smile]'' :'''Shrek''': ''[hoarsely]'' Ow! :'''Donkey''': Hey, what's that? ''[nervous chuckle]'' That's...is that blood? :''[faints]'' == See also == * ''[[Shrek 2]]'' * ''[[Shrek the Third]]'' * ''[[Shrek Forever After]]'' * [[Puss in Boots (2011 film)|''Puss in Boots'' (2011 film)]] == Taglines == * The greatest fairy tale never told. * The Prince isn't charming. The Princess isn't sleeping. The sidekick isn't helping. The ogre is the hero. Fairy tales will never be the same again. == Cast == * [[w:Mike Myers|Mike Myers]] &ndash; Shrek & Blind Mouse (voice) * [[Eddie Murphy]] &ndash; Donkey (voice) * [[Cameron Diaz]] &ndash; Princess Fiona (voice) * [[w:John Lithgow|John Lithgow]] &ndash; Lord Farquaad (voice) * [[w:Vincent Cassel|Vincent Cassel]] &ndash; Monsieur Hood (voice) * [[w:Peter Dennis|Peter Dennis]] & Clive Pearse &ndash; Ogre Hunters (voice) * [[w:Jim Cummings|Jim Cummings]] &ndash; Captain of Guards (voice) * Bobby Block &ndash; Baby Bear (voice) * [[w:Chris Miller (animator)|Chris Miller]] &ndash; Geppetto & Magic Mirror (voice) * [[w:Cody Cameron|Cody Cameron]] &ndash; Pinocchio & Three Pigs (voice) * [[w:Kathleen Freeman|Kathleen Freeman]] &ndash; Old Woman (voice) * [[w:Michael Galasso|Michael Galasso]] &ndash; Peter Pan (voice) * [[w:Christopher Knights|Christopher Knights]] &ndash; Blind Mouse & Thelonius (voice) * [[w:Simon J. Smith|Simon J. Smith]] &ndash; Blind Mouse (voice) * [[w:Conrad Vernon|Conrad Vernon]] &ndash; Gingerbread Man (voice) * Jacquie Barnbrook &ndash; Wrestling Fan (voice) * Guillaume Aretos, John Bisom, Matthew Gonder, Calvin Remsberg & Jean-Paul Vignon &ndash; Merry Men (voice) * [[w:Val Bettin|Val Bettin]] &ndash; Bishop (voice) * [[w:Aron Warner|Aron Warner]] &ndash; Big Bad Wolf (voice) * [[w:Andrew Adamson|Andrew Adamson]] &ndash; Duloc Mascot (voice) == External links == {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title|id=0126029|title=Shrek}} [[Category:2001 films]] [[Category:2000s American animated films]] [[Category:American computer-animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure films]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy films]] [[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]] [[Category:Films based on novels]] [[Category:Best Animated Feature Academy Award winners]] [[Category:Shrek|Shrek 1]] [[Category:United States National Film Registry films]] [[Category:Films about royalty]] m2zygft2npc6iaaduo3mxo6z0gjjgyj 3152951 3152950 2022-08-09T16:43:05Z 205.237.131.3 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Shrek|Shrek]]''''' is a [[w:2001 in film|2001]] [[w:animated film|animated film]] about an ogre who, in order to regain his swamp, travels along with a donkey in order to bring a princess to a scheming lord who wishes to become King. :''Directed by [[w:Andrew Adamson|Andrew Adamson]] and [[Vicky Jenson]]. Written by [[w:Ted Elliott|Ted Elliott]] and [[w:Terry Rossio|Terry Rossio]].'' ''Story by [[w:William Steig|William Steig]] (book)'' {{center|'''The greatest fairy tale never told.''' <small>([[#Taglines|taglines]])</small>}} == Shrek == * That'll do, Donkey. That'll do. * Donkey, two things, okay? Shut... up! == Donkey == * All right, nobody move! I've got a dragon and I'm not afraid to use it! I'm a donkey on the edge! == Dialogue == :''[Shrek sneaks up on a mob about to enter his swamp]'' :'''First villager''': I think it's in there? :'''Second Villager''': All right, let's get it! :'''Third villager''': Whoa, hold on! Do you know what that thing could do to you? :'''Fourth villager''': Yeah, it'll grind your bones for its bread. :'''Shrek''': Really? ''[exposes himself]'' Well, actually, that would be a giant. Now, ogres - oh, they're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin! They'll shave your liver, squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast. :'''Fifth villager''': ''[waves his torch in front of Shrek]'' Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya! ''[Shrek calmly licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch like a match; he smiles nervously while dropping the unlit torch]'' Right. :''[Then Shrek roars ferociously until the villagers stop screaming and yelling]'' :'''Shrek''': ''[quietly]'' This is the part where you run away. ''[the villagers do so; laughs]'' And stay out! "''[he picks up a wanted poster and reads it]'' "Wanted: Fairy Tale Creatures". ''[rolls his eyes, walks back to the house, and throws the wanted poster as it lands on the ground face up]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Old Lady''': ''[moves Donkey's lips]'' I can talk. I love to talk! I'm the talkin'est damn thing you ever saw. :'''Captain''': ''[annoyed and angrily]'' Get her outta my sight! :'''Old Lady''': No, no! I swear! ''[Guards took her away]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Shrek''': ''[to Donkey]'' WHY...are you following me? :'''Donkey''': I'll tell you why. ''[sings]'' :'Cause I'm all alone. :There's no one here beside me. :My problems have all gone. :There's no one to deride me! :But ya gotta have friends! :'''Shrek''': Stop singing! Well, it's no wonder you don't have any friends. :'''Donkey''': Wow! Only a true friend would be that truly honest. :'''Shrek''': Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me, what am I? :'''Donkey''': Uh... ''[looks Shrek up and down]'' Really tall? :'''Shrek''': No! I'm an ogre! Y’know, "Grab your torch and pitchforks!" Doesn't that bother you? :'''Donkey''': ''[shakes his head happily]'' Nope. :'''Shrek''': ''[surprised]'' Really? :'''Donkey''': Really, really. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Donkey''': ''[looks at a hovel]'' Whoa, look at that. Who'd wanna live in a place like that? :'''Shrek''': '''''That''''' would be my home. :'''Donkey''': Oh, and it is lovely! You know, you're really quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. ''[looks at boulder]'' I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. ''[eyes the KEEP OUT signs surrounding Shrek's home]'' I guess you don't, uh, entertain much, do you? :'''Shrek''': I like my privacy. :'''Donkey''': Y'know, I do too! That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you've got someone in your face, you try to give 'em a hint, they won't leave, and then there's that big awkward silence, you know... ''[silence ensues]'' ...Can I stay wit you? :'''Shrek''': Uh, what?! :'''Donkey''': Can I stay wit you... please? :'''Shrek''': ''[sarcastically]'' Of course! :'''Donkey''': Really? :'''Shrek''': No. :'''Donkey''': Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak, Shrek! ''[slight pause; Shrek gives Donkey a look]'' Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together! You gotta let me stay! Please, please! :'''Shrek''': Okay! Okay. But one night only. :'''Donkey''': Ah, thank you! ''[runs to the chair inside]'' :'''Shrek''': Ahh! What are you doing?! No, no! :'''Donkey''': This is gon’ be fun. We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin', I'm makin' waffles! :'''Shrek''': Ohh! :'''Donkey''': Where do, uh, I sleep? :'''Shrek''': Outside!! :'''Donkey''': Oh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Shrek discovers the Seven Dwarves have placed Snow White on his kitchen table knocking everything on it, off.]'' :'''Shrek''': Oh, no, no, no, no! Dead broad off the table! :'''Dwarf''': Well, where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken! :'''Shrek''': Huh? :''[rushes over to his bed to find...]'' :'''Big Bad Wolf''': What? : '''Shrek''': ''[Carrying Big Bad Wolf by the scruff of his neck]'' I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I’m a terrifying ogre. '''''What do I have to do to get a little privacy?!?!?!?''''' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Shrek, his swamp filled with fairytale creatures, glares at Donkey]'' :'''Donkey''': Hey, don't look at me, I didn't invite them! :'''Pinocchio''': Oh, gosh, no one invited us! :'''Shrek''': What? :'''Pinocchio''': We were forced to come here! :'''Shrek''': By who? :'''Little Pig''': Lord Farquaad. He huffed, and he puffed... and he signed an eviction notice. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lord Farquaad''': ''[sees Thelonius and Felonious dunking Gingy in milk]'' That's it! All right, that's it! He's ready to talk. ''[puts him down; Farquaad chuckles, then signals for the table to lower; clears his throat]'' ''[playing with Gingy’s legs and holding them up]'' Run, run, run, as fast as you can; you can't catch me, I'm the Gingerbread Man! :'''Gingy''': You’re a monster. :'''Lord Farquaad''': I am not the monster here, you are! You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. ''[crushes Gingy’s legs to crumbs as he says this]'' Now, tell me! Where are the others?! :'''Gingy''': Eat me!! ''[spits milk at Farquaad who wipes it away]'' :'''Lord Farquaad''': ''[grunts and straining]'' I've tried to be fair to you creatures, but now my patience has reached its end! Now, tell me! Tell me, or I'll… ''[reaches to pull off one of Gingy's buttons]'' :'''Gingy''': No, no! Not the buttons! Not my gumdrop buttons! :'''Lord Farquaad''': ''[shines a lamp on Gingy]'' All right, then, who's hiding them?! :'''Gingy''': Okay! I'll tell you. Do you know… the muffin man? :'''Lord Farquaad''': The muffin man? :'''Gingy''': The muffin man. :'''Lord Farquaad''': Yes. I know the muffin man. Who-Who lives on Drury Lane? :'''Gingy''': Well, she's married to the muffin man. :'''Lord Farquaad''': The muffin man?! :'''Gingy''': The muffin man!! :'''Lord Farquaad''': She's married to the muffin man. :''[Door opens]'' :'''Captain''': My lord! We found it. :'''Lord Farquaad''': Well, then what are you waiting for? Bring it in. <hr width="50%"/> :''[arriving at Duloc]'' :'''Shrek''': ''[observing a giant building]'' So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle... :'''Donkey''': Uh-huh, that's the place. :'''Shrek''': Do you think he's maybe compensating for something? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Shrek enters the tournament]'' :'''Lord Farquaad''': What is that? It's hideous! :'''Shrek''': Well, that's not very nice. ''[gestures to Donkey]'' It's just a donkey. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Donkey and Shrek are now walking through the field heading away from DuLoc. Shrek is munching on an onion.]'' :'''Donkey''': Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad’ll give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. Is that about right? :'''Shrek''': Y’know, maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk. :'''Donkey''': I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grind his bones to make your bread, the whole ogre trip. :'''Shrek''': Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you? :'''Donkey''': Uh, no, not really, no. :'''Shrek''': For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than people think. :'''Donkey''': Example? :'''Shrek''': Example... uh... ogres are like onions! :''[holds up an onion, which Donkey sniffs]'' :'''Donkey''': They stink? :'''Shrek''': Yes... No! :'''Donkey''': Oh, they make you cry? :'''Shrek''': No! :'''Donkey''': Oh, you leave 'em out in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs... :'''Shrek''': ''[peels an onion]'' '''''No! Layers. Onions have layers. Ogres have layers... You get it? We both have layers.''''' :''[heaves a sigh and then walks off]'' :'''Donkey''': Oh, you both have '''''layers'''''. Oh. You know, not everybody like onions. Cake! Everybody loves cake! Cakes have layers! :'''Shrek''': I don't '''''care''''' what everyone likes! Ogres are '''''not''''' like '''''cakes'''''! :'''Donkey''': You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits! Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "Hell no, I don't like no parfait."? Parfaits are delicious! :'''Shrek''': No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! End of story! Bye-bye! See ya later. :'''Donkey''': Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet! :'''Shrek''': Y’know, I think I preferred your humming. :'''Donkey''': Do you have a tissue or somethin’? I'm makin’ a mess. Just the word “parfait” make me start slobberin’. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Shrek and Donkey are crossing a wooden bridge over a moat of lava]'' :'''Donkey''': Don't look down, don't look down, don't look down, keep on movin’, don't look down... ''[a board under Donkey breaks, prompting Donkey]'' Shrek, I'm lookin’ down! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Shrek''': That'll do, Donkey. That'll do. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Donkey''': So where is this fire-breathin' pain in the neck, anyway? :'''Shrek''': Inside, waiting for us to rescue her. :'''Donkey''': I was talkin' about the '''''dragon''''', Shrek. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Shrek''': Donkey, two things, okay? Shut... up! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fiona''': Where are you going? The exit's over there! :'''Shrek''': ''[going to save Donkey]'' Well, I have to save my ass. :'''Fiona''': ''[shocked]'' What kind of knight '''''are''''' you?!?!? :'''Shrek''': One of a kind. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Donkey''': Hi, Princess! :'''Fiona''': It talks! :'''Shrek''': Yeah, it's gettin’ him to shut up that's the trick! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fiona''': The sooner we get to Duloc, the better! :'''Donkey''': Oh, you gonna love it there, Princess, it's beautiful! :'''Fiona''': And my groom-to-be Lord Farquaad, what's he like? :'''Shrek''': Well, let me put it this way, Princess: men of his stature are in '''''short''''' supply. :''[chortles]'' :'''Donkey''': Yeah! There are those who think '''''little''''' of him! :''[Shrek and Donkey laugh]'' :'''Fiona''': Stop it. Stop it, both of you! You know, you're just jealous that you could never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad. :'''Shrek''': [grins] Maybe. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow! :'''Fiona''': [suddenly anxious] Tomorrow? Will it really take that long? Shouldn't we set up camp? :'''Shrek''': No, that'll take '''''longer'''''. :'''Fiona''': But there's... robbers in the woods! :'''Donkey''': [tense] Whoa, time out, Shrek! Campin' sure is startin' to sound like a good idea 'round here! :'''Shrek''': Hey, come on! I'm scarier than anything we're gonna see in this forest-- :'''Fiona''': [furious] I need to find somewhere to camp '''''NOW!!!''''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Donkey''': Why are you blocking? '''Shrek''': I'm not blocking! :'''Donkey''': Oh, yes you are. '''Shrek''': Donkey, I'm warning you. '''Donkey''': Who are you trying to keep out? Just tell me that, Shrek. Who? :'''Shrek''': Everyone! OKAY? :'''Donkey''': Oh, now we're getting somewhere! :'''Shrek''': Oh, for the love of Pete! :'''Donkey''': Hey, what's your problem, Shrek, what you got against the whole world anyway, huh? :'''Shrek''': Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me! People take one look at me and go "Aargh! Help! Run! A big stupid ugly ogre!" They judge me before they even know me - that's why I'm better off alone... :'''Donkey''': You know, Shrek... when we first met, I didn't think you were a big, stupid, ugly ogre. :'''Shrek''': Yeah, I know. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Shrek has been hit by an arrow fired by one of Robin Hood’s Merry Men that ricocheted off of a tree]'' :'''Fiona''': Oh, oh, this is all my fault... :'''Donkey''': Why, what's wrong? :'''Fiona''': Shrek's hurt! :'''Donkey''': Shrek's hurt? Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die! :'''Shrek''': Donkey, I'm okay! :'''Donkey''': You can't do this to me, Shrek, I'm too young for you to die! Keep your feet elevated! Turn your head and cough! Does anybody know the Heimlich...? :'''Fiona''': ''[grabs Donkey]'' Donkey, calm down! If you wanna help Shrek, go into the forest and look for a blue flower with red thorns. :'''Donkey''': Blue flower, red thorns! Okay, I got it! Blue flower, red thorns! Blue flower, red thorns! Don't die, Shrek, and if you see any long tunnels, stay away from the light! :'''Fiona & Shrek''': Donkey! :'''Donkey''': Okay, okay. Blue flower, red thorns! Blue flower, red thorns! :''[runs off]'' :'''Shrek''': What're the flowers for? :'''Fiona''': For getting rid of Donkey. :'''Shrek''' : Ah. :'''Fiona''': Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out. :''[gives the arrow a little pull]'' :'''Shrek''': ''[jumps away]'' Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'. :'''Fiona''' : I'm sorry, but it has to come out. :'''Shrek''': No, it's tender. :'''Fiona''': Now, hold on. :'''Shrek''': What you're doing is the opposite of help. :'''Fiona''': Don't move. :'''Shrek''': Look, time out. :'''Fiona''': ''[Shrek has his hand on Fiona’s face]'' Would you... ''[grunts]'' Okay. What do you propose we do? :'''Donkey''': Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns. :'''Shrek''': ''[screaming]'' Owwww! :'''Donkey''': [hears Shrek scream] Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'! ''[Grabs a blue flower with red thorns from a bush]'' :'''Shrek''': Ow! Not good. :'''Fiona''': Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head. ''[Grunts]'' It's just about... :'''Shrek''': Ow! Ohh! :'''Donkey''': ''[he sees Fiona on top of Shrek]'' Ahem. :'''Shrek''': Nothing happened… :''[Fiona falls off]'' :…We were just, uh- :'''Donkey''': Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay? :'''Shrek''': Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- :''[Fiona pulls the arrow out]'' :'''Shrek''': Ugh! :''[he turns to look at Fiona who holds up the arrow with a smile]'' :'''Shrek''': ''[hoarsely]'' Ow! :'''Donkey''': Hey, what's that? ''[nervous chuckle]'' That's...is that blood? :''[faints]'' == See also == * ''[[Shrek 2]]'' * ''[[Shrek the Third]]'' * ''[[Shrek Forever After]]'' * [[Puss in Boots (2011 film)|''Puss in Boots'' (2011 film)]] == Taglines == * The greatest fairy tale never told. * The Prince isn't charming. The Princess isn't sleeping. The sidekick isn't helping. The ogre is the hero. Fairy tales will never be the same again. == Cast == * [[w:Mike Myers|Mike Myers]] &ndash; Shrek & Blind Mouse (voice) * [[Eddie Murphy]] &ndash; Donkey (voice) * [[Cameron Diaz]] &ndash; Princess Fiona (voice) * [[w:John Lithgow|John Lithgow]] &ndash; Lord Farquaad (voice) * [[w:Vincent Cassel|Vincent Cassel]] &ndash; Monsieur Hood (voice) * [[w:Peter Dennis|Peter Dennis]] & Clive Pearse &ndash; Ogre Hunters (voice) * [[w:Jim Cummings|Jim Cummings]] &ndash; Captain of Guards (voice) * Bobby Block &ndash; Baby Bear (voice) * [[w:Chris Miller (animator)|Chris Miller]] &ndash; Geppetto & Magic Mirror (voice) * [[w:Cody Cameron|Cody Cameron]] &ndash; Pinocchio & Three Pigs (voice) * [[w:Kathleen Freeman|Kathleen Freeman]] &ndash; Old Woman (voice) * [[w:Michael Galasso|Michael Galasso]] &ndash; Peter Pan (voice) * [[w:Christopher Knights|Christopher Knights]] &ndash; Blind Mouse & Thelonius (voice) * [[w:Simon J. Smith|Simon J. Smith]] &ndash; Blind Mouse (voice) * [[w:Conrad Vernon|Conrad Vernon]] &ndash; Gingerbread Man (voice) * Jacquie Barnbrook &ndash; Wrestling Fan (voice) * Guillaume Aretos, John Bisom, Matthew Gonder, Calvin Remsberg & Jean-Paul Vignon &ndash; Merry Men (voice) * [[w:Val Bettin|Val Bettin]] &ndash; Bishop (voice) * [[w:Aron Warner|Aron Warner]] &ndash; Big Bad Wolf (voice) * [[w:Andrew Adamson|Andrew Adamson]] &ndash; Duloc Mascot (voice) == External links == {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title|id=0126029|title=Shrek}} [[Category:2001 films]] [[Category:2000s American animated films]] [[Category:American computer-animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure films]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy films]] [[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]] [[Category:Films based on novels]] [[Category:Best Animated Feature Academy Award winners]] [[Category:Shrek|Shrek 1]] [[Category:United States National Film Registry films]] [[Category:Films about royalty]] 5u7t6zg9aqh5td3pmnrcvdez17zmxwk 3152952 3152951 2022-08-09T16:44:01Z 205.237.131.3 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Shrek|Shrek]]''''' is a [[w:2001 in film|2001]] [[w:animated film|animated film]] about an ogre who, in order to regain his swamp, travels along with a donkey in order to bring a princess to a scheming lord who wishes to become King. :''Directed by [[w:Andrew Adamson|Andrew Adamson]] and [[Vicky Jenson]]. Written by [[w:Ted Elliott|Ted Elliott]] and [[w:Terry Rossio|Terry Rossio]].'' ''Story by [[w:William Steig|William Steig]] (book)'' {{center|'''The greatest fairy tale never told.''' <small>([[#Taglines|taglines]])</small>}} == Shrek == * That'll do, Donkey. That'll do. * Donkey, two things, okay? Shut... up! == Donkey == * All right, nobody move! I've got a dragon and I'm not afraid to use it! I'm a donkey on the edge! == Dialogue == :''[Shrek sneaks up on a mob about to enter his swamp]'' :'''First villager''': I think it's in there? :'''Second Villager''': All right, let's get it! :'''Third villager''': Whoa, hold on! Do you know what that thing could do to you? :'''Fourth villager''': Yeah, it'll grind your bones for its bread. :'''Shrek''': Really? ''[exposes himself]'' Well, actually, that would be a giant. Now, ogres - oh, they're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin! They'll shave your liver, squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast. :'''Fifth villager''': ''[waves his torch in front of Shrek]'' Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya! ''[Shrek calmly licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch like a match; he smiles nervously while dropping the unlit torch]'' Right. :''[Then Shrek roars ferociously until the villagers stop screaming and yelling]'' :'''Shrek''': ''[quietly]'' This is the part where you run away. ''[the villagers do so; laughs]'' And stay out! "''[he picks up a wanted poster and reads it]'' "Wanted: Fairy Tale Creatures". ''[rolls his eyes, walks back to the house, and throws the wanted poster as it lands on the ground face up]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Old Lady''': ''[moves Donkey's lips]'' I can talk. I love to talk! I'm the talkin'est damn thing you ever saw. :'''Captain''': ''[annoyed and angrily]'' Get her outta my sight! :'''Old Lady''': No, no! I swear! ''[Guards took her away]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Shrek''': ''[to Donkey]'' WHY...are you following me? :'''Donkey''': I'll tell you why. ''[sings]'' :'Cause I'm all alone. :There's no one here beside me. :My problems have all gone. :There's no one to deride me! :But ya gotta have friends! :'''Shrek''': Stop singing! Well, it's no wonder you don't have any friends. :'''Donkey''': Wow! Only a true friend would be that truly honest. :'''Shrek''': Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me, what am I? :'''Donkey''': Uh... ''[looks Shrek up and down]'' Really tall? :'''Shrek''': No! I'm an ogre! Y’know, "Grab your torch and pitchforks!" Doesn't that bother you? :'''Donkey''': ''[shakes his head happily]'' Nope. :'''Shrek''': ''[surprised]'' Really? :'''Donkey''': Really, really. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Donkey''': ''[looks at a hovel]'' Whoa, look at that. Who'd wanna live in a place like that? :'''Shrek''': '''''That''''' would be my home. :'''Donkey''': Oh, and it is lovely! You know, you're really quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. ''[looks at boulder]'' I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. ''[eyes the KEEP OUT signs surrounding Shrek's home]'' I guess you don't, uh, entertain much, do you? :'''Shrek''': I like my privacy. :'''Donkey''': Y'know, I do too! That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you've got someone in your face, you try to give 'em a hint, they won't leave, and then there's that big awkward silence, you know... ''[silence ensues]'' ...Can I stay wit you? :'''Shrek''': Uh, what?! :'''Donkey''': Can I stay wit you... please? :'''Shrek''': ''[sarcastically]'' Of course! :'''Donkey''': Really? :'''Shrek''': No. :'''Donkey''': Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak, Shrek! ''[slight pause; Shrek gives Donkey a look]'' Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together! You gotta let me stay! Please, please! :'''Shrek''': Okay! Okay. But one night only. :'''Donkey''': Ah, thank you! ''[runs to the chair inside]'' :'''Shrek''': Ahh! What are you doing?! No, no! :'''Donkey''': This is gon’ be fun. We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin', I'm makin' waffles! :'''Shrek''': Ohh! :'''Donkey''': Where do, uh, I sleep? :'''Shrek''': Outside!! :'''Donkey''': Oh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Shrek discovers the Seven Dwarves have placed Snow White on his kitchen table knocking everything on it, off.]'' :'''Shrek''': Oh, no, no, no, no! Dead broad off the table! :'''Dwarf''': Well, where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken! :'''Shrek''': Huh? :''[rushes over to his bed to find...]'' :'''Big Bad Wolf''': What? : '''Shrek''': ''[Carrying Big Bad Wolf by the scruff of his neck]'' I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I’m a terrifying ogre. '''''What do I have to do to get a little privacy?!?!?!?''''' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Shrek, his swamp filled with fairytale creatures, glares at Donkey]'' :'''Donkey''': Hey, don't look at me, I didn't invite them! :'''Pinocchio''': Oh, gosh, no one invited us! :'''Shrek''': What? :'''Pinocchio''': We were forced to come here! :'''Shrek''': By who? :'''Little Pig''': Lord Farquaad. He huffed, and he puffed... and he signed an eviction notice. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lord Farquaad''': ''[sees Thelonius and Felonious dunking Gingy in milk]'' That's it! All right, that's it! He's ready to talk. ''[puts him down; Farquaad chuckles, then signals for the table to lower; clears his throat]'' ''[playing with Gingy’s legs and holding them up]'' Run, run, run, as fast as you can; you can't catch me, I'm the Gingerbread Man! :'''Gingy''': You’re a monster. :'''Lord Farquaad''': I am not the monster here, you are! You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. ''[crushes Gingy’s legs to crumbs as he says this]'' Now, tell me! Where are the others?! :'''Gingy''': Eat me!! ''[spits milk at Farquaad who wipes it away]'' :'''Lord Farquaad''': ''[grunts and straining]'' I've tried to be fair to you creatures, but now my patience has reached its end! Now, tell me! Tell me, or I'll… ''[reaches to pull off one of Gingy's buttons]'' :'''Gingy''': No, no! Not the buttons! Not my gumdrop buttons! :'''Lord Farquaad''': ''[shines a lamp on Gingy]'' All right, then, who's hiding them?! :'''Gingy''': Okay! I'll tell you. Do you know… the muffin man? :'''Lord Farquaad''': The muffin man? :'''Gingy''': The muffin man. :'''Lord Farquaad''': Yes. I know the muffin man. Who-Who lives on Drury Lane? :'''Gingy''': Well, she's married to the muffin man. :'''Lord Farquaad''': The muffin man?! :'''Gingy''': The muffin man!! :'''Lord Farquaad''': She's married to the muffin man. :''[Door opens]'' :'''Captain''': My lord! We found it. :'''Lord Farquaad''': Well, then what are you waiting for? Bring it in. <hr width="50%"/> :''[arriving at Duloc]'' :'''Shrek''': ''[observing a giant building]'' So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle... :'''Donkey''': Uh-huh, that's the place. :'''Shrek''': Do you think he's maybe compensating for something? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Shrek enters the tournament]'' :'''Lord Farquaad''': What is that? It's hideous! :'''Shrek''': Well, that's not very nice. ''[gestures to Donkey]'' It's just a donkey. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Donkey and Shrek are now walking through the field heading away from DuLoc. Shrek is munching on an onion.]'' :'''Donkey''': Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad’ll give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. Is that about right? :'''Shrek''': Y’know, maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk. :'''Donkey''': I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grind his bones to make your bread, the whole ogre trip. :'''Shrek''': Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you? :'''Donkey''': Uh, no, not really, no. :'''Shrek''': For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than people think. :'''Donkey''': Example? :'''Shrek''': Example... uh... ogres are like onions! :''[holds up an onion, which Donkey sniffs]'' :'''Donkey''': They stink? :'''Shrek''': Yes... No! :'''Donkey''': Oh, they make you cry? :'''Shrek''': No! :'''Donkey''': Oh, you leave 'em out in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs... :'''Shrek''': ''[peels an onion]'' '''''No! Layers. Onions have layers. Ogres have layers... You get it? We both have layers.''''' :''[heaves a sigh and then walks off]'' :'''Donkey''': Oh, you both have '''''layers'''''. Oh. You know, not everybody like onions. Cake! Everybody loves cake! Cakes have layers! :'''Shrek''': I don't '''''care''''' what everyone likes! Ogres are '''''not''''' like '''''cakes'''''! :'''Donkey''': You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits! Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "Hell no, I don't like no parfait."? Parfaits are delicious! :'''Shrek''': No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! End of story! Bye-bye! See ya later. :'''Donkey''': Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet! :'''Shrek''': Y’know, I think I preferred your humming. :'''Donkey''': Do you have a tissue or somethin’? I'm makin’ a mess. Just the word “parfait” make me start slobberin’. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Shrek and Donkey are crossing a wooden bridge over a moat of lava]'' :'''Donkey''': Don't look down, don't look down, don't look down, keep on movin’, don't look down... ''[a board under Donkey breaks, prompting Donkey]'' Shrek, I'm lookin’ down! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Shrek''': That'll do, Donkey. That'll do. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Donkey''': So where is this fire-breathin' pain in the neck, anyway? :'''Shrek''': Inside, waiting for us to rescue her. :'''Donkey''': I was talkin' about the '''''dragon''''', Shrek. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Shrek''': Donkey, two things, okay? Shut... up! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fiona''': Where are you going? The exit's over there! :'''Shrek''': ''[going to save Donkey]'' Well, I have to save my ass. :'''Fiona''': ''[shocked]'' What kind of knight '''''are''''' you?!?!? :'''Shrek''': One of a kind. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Donkey''': Hi, Princess! :'''Fiona''': It talks! :'''Shrek''': Yeah, it's gettin’ him to shut up that's the trick! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fiona''': The sooner we get to Duloc, the better! :'''Donkey''': Oh, you gonna love it there, Princess, it's beautiful! :'''Fiona''': And my groom-to-be Lord Farquaad, what's he like? :'''Shrek''': Well, let me put it this way, Princess: men of his stature are in '''''short''''' supply. :''[chortles]'' :'''Donkey''': Yeah! There are those who think '''''little''''' of him! :''[Shrek and Donkey laugh]'' :'''Fiona''': Stop it. Stop it, both of you! You know, you're just jealous that you could never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad. :'''Shrek''': [grins] Maybe. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow! :'''Fiona''': [suddenly anxious] Tomorrow? Will it really take that long? Shouldn't we set up camp? :'''Shrek''': No, that'll take '''''longer'''''. :'''Fiona''': But there's... robbers in the woods! :'''Donkey''': [tense] Whoa, time out, Shrek! Campin' sure is startin' to sound like a good idea 'round here! :'''Shrek''': Hey, come on! I'm scarier than anything we're gonna see in this forest-- :'''Fiona''': [furious] I need to find somewhere to camp '''''NOW!!!''''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Donkey''': Why are you blocking? :'''Shrek''': I'm not blocking! :'''Donkey''': Oh, yes you are. :'''Shrek''': Donkey, I'm warning you. :'''Donkey''': Who are you trying to keep out? Just tell me that, Shrek. Who? :'''Shrek''': Everyone! OKAY? :'''Donkey''': Oh, now we're getting somewhere! :'''Shrek''': Oh, for the love of Pete! :'''Donkey''': Hey, what's your problem, Shrek, what you got against the whole world anyway, huh? :'''Shrek''': Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me! People take one look at me and go "Aargh! Help! Run! A big stupid ugly ogre!" They judge me before they even know me - that's why I'm better off alone... :'''Donkey''': You know, Shrek... when we first met, I didn't think you were a big, stupid, ugly ogre. :'''Shrek''': Yeah, I know. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Shrek has been hit by an arrow fired by one of Robin Hood’s Merry Men that ricocheted off of a tree]'' :'''Fiona''': Oh, oh, this is all my fault... :'''Donkey''': Why, what's wrong? :'''Fiona''': Shrek's hurt! :'''Donkey''': Shrek's hurt? Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die! :'''Shrek''': Donkey, I'm okay! :'''Donkey''': You can't do this to me, Shrek, I'm too young for you to die! Keep your feet elevated! Turn your head and cough! Does anybody know the Heimlich...? :'''Fiona''': ''[grabs Donkey]'' Donkey, calm down! If you wanna help Shrek, go into the forest and look for a blue flower with red thorns. :'''Donkey''': Blue flower, red thorns! Okay, I got it! Blue flower, red thorns! Blue flower, red thorns! Don't die, Shrek, and if you see any long tunnels, stay away from the light! :'''Fiona & Shrek''': Donkey! :'''Donkey''': Okay, okay. Blue flower, red thorns! Blue flower, red thorns! :''[runs off]'' :'''Shrek''': What're the flowers for? :'''Fiona''': For getting rid of Donkey. :'''Shrek''' : Ah. :'''Fiona''': Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out. :''[gives the arrow a little pull]'' :'''Shrek''': ''[jumps away]'' Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'. :'''Fiona''' : I'm sorry, but it has to come out. :'''Shrek''': No, it's tender. :'''Fiona''': Now, hold on. :'''Shrek''': What you're doing is the opposite of help. :'''Fiona''': Don't move. :'''Shrek''': Look, time out. :'''Fiona''': ''[Shrek has his hand on Fiona’s face]'' Would you... ''[grunts]'' Okay. What do you propose we do? :'''Donkey''': Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns. :'''Shrek''': ''[screaming]'' Owwww! :'''Donkey''': [hears Shrek scream] Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'! ''[Grabs a blue flower with red thorns from a bush]'' :'''Shrek''': Ow! Not good. :'''Fiona''': Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head. ''[Grunts]'' It's just about... :'''Shrek''': Ow! Ohh! :'''Donkey''': ''[he sees Fiona on top of Shrek]'' Ahem. :'''Shrek''': Nothing happened… :''[Fiona falls off]'' :…We were just, uh- :'''Donkey''': Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay? :'''Shrek''': Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- :''[Fiona pulls the arrow out]'' :'''Shrek''': Ugh! :''[he turns to look at Fiona who holds up the arrow with a smile]'' :'''Shrek''': ''[hoarsely]'' Ow! :'''Donkey''': Hey, what's that? ''[nervous chuckle]'' That's...is that blood? :''[faints]'' == See also == * ''[[Shrek 2]]'' * ''[[Shrek the Third]]'' * ''[[Shrek Forever After]]'' * [[Puss in Boots (2011 film)|''Puss in Boots'' (2011 film)]] == Taglines == * The greatest fairy tale never told. * The Prince isn't charming. The Princess isn't sleeping. The sidekick isn't helping. The ogre is the hero. Fairy tales will never be the same again. == Cast == * [[w:Mike Myers|Mike Myers]] &ndash; Shrek & Blind Mouse (voice) * [[Eddie Murphy]] &ndash; Donkey (voice) * [[Cameron Diaz]] &ndash; Princess Fiona (voice) * [[w:John Lithgow|John Lithgow]] &ndash; Lord Farquaad (voice) * [[w:Vincent Cassel|Vincent Cassel]] &ndash; Monsieur Hood (voice) * [[w:Peter Dennis|Peter Dennis]] & Clive Pearse &ndash; Ogre Hunters (voice) * [[w:Jim Cummings|Jim Cummings]] &ndash; Captain of Guards (voice) * Bobby Block &ndash; Baby Bear (voice) * [[w:Chris Miller (animator)|Chris Miller]] &ndash; Geppetto & Magic Mirror (voice) * [[w:Cody Cameron|Cody Cameron]] &ndash; Pinocchio & Three Pigs (voice) * [[w:Kathleen Freeman|Kathleen Freeman]] &ndash; Old Woman (voice) * [[w:Michael Galasso|Michael Galasso]] &ndash; Peter Pan (voice) * [[w:Christopher Knights|Christopher Knights]] &ndash; Blind Mouse & Thelonius (voice) * [[w:Simon J. Smith|Simon J. Smith]] &ndash; Blind Mouse (voice) * [[w:Conrad Vernon|Conrad Vernon]] &ndash; Gingerbread Man (voice) * Jacquie Barnbrook &ndash; Wrestling Fan (voice) * Guillaume Aretos, John Bisom, Matthew Gonder, Calvin Remsberg & Jean-Paul Vignon &ndash; Merry Men (voice) * [[w:Val Bettin|Val Bettin]] &ndash; Bishop (voice) * [[w:Aron Warner|Aron Warner]] &ndash; Big Bad Wolf (voice) * [[w:Andrew Adamson|Andrew Adamson]] &ndash; Duloc Mascot (voice) == External links == {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title|id=0126029|title=Shrek}} [[Category:2001 films]] [[Category:2000s American animated films]] [[Category:American computer-animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure films]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy films]] [[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]] [[Category:Films based on novels]] [[Category:Best Animated Feature Academy Award winners]] [[Category:Shrek|Shrek 1]] [[Category:United States National Film Registry films]] [[Category:Films about royalty]] 7av0zu7j4b77fa0brddmzme6cljps1k 0 2265 3153028 3151845 2022-08-09T22:50:30Z Coningsby 10755 /* Quotes about Thatcher */ Maurice Cowling, Anthony Seldon, Roger Scruton, T. E. Utley, John Vincent wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Margaret Thatcher in Israel.jpg|thumb|upright=1.2|You know, if you just set out to be liked, you would be prepared to compromise on anything, wouldn't you, at any time? And you would achieve nothing!]] '''[[w:Margaret Thatcher|Margaret Thatcher]]''' ([[13 October]] [[1925]] – [[8 April]] [[2013]]) was the first female [[w:Prime Minister of the United Kingdom|Prime Minister]] of the [[United Kingdom]]. She was in office from 1979 to 1990. ==Quotes== ===1940s=== *[Thatcher] began by asking what benefits ordinary people had received after 3½ years of Socialism. The Government should do what any good housewife would do if money was short—look at their accounts and see what was wrong. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/100821 Speech at her adoption meeting as Conservative candidate for Dartford (28 February 1949) ] *Don't be scared of the high language of economists and Cabinet ministers, but think of politics at our own household level. After all, women live in contact with food supplies, housing shortages, and the ever-decreasing opportunities for children, and we must therefore face up to the position, remembering that as more power is taken away from the people, so there is less responsibility for us to assume. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/100836 Speech to Bexley Conservative Women (15 September 1949)] ===1950s=== *It was not a Government that built up the skill and craft of this country...It was private individuals who patiently persevered, building up their businesses bit by bit...Their success provided employment for others and greatly benefited the community as a whole. This was the spirit that made England great and can restore her once again. Do you want it to perish for a soul-less Socialist system, or to live to recreate a glorious Britain? **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/100856 Article for ''Gravesend and Dartford Reporter'' (28 January 1950)] *We have reached a crisis in world history, a crisis which demands swift and certain action...We believe in the freedom of the democratic way of life. ''If we serve that idea faithfully with tenacity of purpose, we have nothing to fear from Russian Communism''...Communism seizes power by force, not by free choice of the people. The democratic nations must therefore have forces with which to fight it so that choice of government may be free. In the light of these convictions our task is clear. We must firstly believe in the Western way of life and serve it steadfastly. Secondly we must build up our fighting strength to be prepared to defend our ideals, for aggressive nations understand only the threat of force. The situation is already grave, but much is possible for a nation with clear intentions and the ability to carry them into action. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/100896 New Year Message as Conservative candidate for Dartford (29 December 1950)] *Every Conservative desires peace. The threat to peace comes from Communism, which has powerful forces ready to attack anywhere. Communism waits for weakness, it leaves strength alone. Britain therefore must be strong, strong in arms, and strong in faith in her own way of life. The greatest hope for peace lies in friendship and co-operation with the United States of America. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/100912 1951 General Election Address (8 October 1951)] ===Backbench MP=== * In considering our traditional ties with the Commonwealth we should remember that it now differs greatly from the entity which existed 20 or 30 years ago. Many of us do not feel quite the same allegiance to Archbishop Makarios or Doctor Nkrumah or to people like Jomo Kenyatta as we do towards Mr. Menzies of Australia. ** [http://www.margaretthatcher.org/speeches/displaydocument.asp?docid=101105 Speech to Finchley Conservatives (14 August 1961)] * '''In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman.''' ** Speech to members of the National Union of Townswomen’s Guilds, delivered at the Royal Albert Hall (May 20, 1965) ; as quoted in ''Why Women Should Rule the World'', HarperCollins (2008), Dee Dee Myers, p. 227 : <small> {{ISBN|0061140406}}, 9780061140402 </small>. The [http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/101374 Margaret Thatcher Foundation] gives the following additional information : ''MT spoke on the theme ‘Woman – No Longer a Satellite.’ The Evening News report of this speech is the origin of a phrase often attributed to her : ‘In politics, ...'' (etc., as above).’ *It is good to recall how our freedom has been gained in this country—not by great abstract campaigns but through the objections of ordinary men and women to having their money taken from them by the State. In the early days, people banded together and said to the then Government, “You shall not take our money before you have redressed our grievances”. It was their money, their wealth, which was the source of their independence against the Government. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/101586 Speech to Conservative Party Conference (20 October 1967)] *Our freedoms depended on our having independence, independence in the wage packet, and independence of the Government...If you rely always on a Government for your wage packet, then the source of your independence to fight that Government has gone...Already one person in four works in the public sector. This is more than enough, and we must stop the encroachment from going any further. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/101586 Speech to Conservative Party Conference (20 October 1967)] *The...philosophical reason for which we are against nationalisation and for private enterprise is because we believe that economic progress comes from the inventiveness, ability, determination and the pioneering spirit of extraordinary men and women. If they cannot exercise that spirit here, they will go away to another free enterprise country which will then make more economic progress than we do. We ought, in fact, to be encouraging small firms and small companies, because the extent to which innovation comes through these companies is tremendous. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/101586 Speech to Conservative Party Conference (20 October 1967)] *One of the effects of the rapid spread of higher education has been to equip people to criticise and question almost everything. Some of them seem to have stopped there instead of going on to the next stage which is to arrive at new beliefs or to reaffirm old ones. You will perhaps remember seeing in the press the report that the student leader [[w:Daniel Cohn-Bendit|Daniel Cohn-Bendit]] has been awarded a degree on the result of his past work. His examiners said that he had posed a series of most intelligent questions. Significant? '''I would have been happier had he also found a series of intelligent answers'''. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/101632 Conservative Political Centre Lecture (11 October 1968)] ===Education Secretary=== * I started life with two great advantages: no money, and good parents. ** On a 1971 TV interview, when asked if she understands ordinary people's problems. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tanJYrIh7VU&feature=youtu.be&t=47s] * I don't think there will be a woman Prime Minister in my lifetime. **On ''Val meets the V.I.P.s'', [http://www.margaretthatcher.org/speeches/displaydocument.asp?docid=101992 BBC Television (5 March 1973)] * [[Parent]]s can best exert [[influence]] through [[local]] [[authorities]] * If you really don't like it, and if your [[child]] isn't progressing, have a word with the [[head teacher]]. And if you're still not satisfied, or feel that you want your child to go to a [[school ]] with a different kind of [[philosophy]] and approach—the only thing is to approach your [[education]] authority and have him transferred to another school, though an extra change of school is not always good for a child ** As the [[Minister of Education]] "[https://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/101823 MRS THATCHER CALLS UP PARENT POWER]" (April 8, 1973) ===Shadow Secretary for Environment=== * I wish I could say that the Chancellor of the Exchequer had done himself less than justice. Unfortunately, I can only say that I believe he has done himself justice. Some Chancellors are [[macro-economic]]. Other Chancellors are fiscal. This one is just plain cheap. **On [[Denis Healey]], in a [http://www.margaretthatcher.org/speeches/displaydocument.asp?docid=102591 remark in the House of Commons (22 January 1975)] *I was attacked for fighting a rearguard action in defence of “middle-class interests.”...Well, if “middle class values” include the encouragement of variety and individual choice, the provision of fair incentives and rewards for skill and hard work, the maintenance of effective barriers against the excessive power of the State and a belief in the wide distribution of individual '' private'' property, then they are certainly what I am trying to defend. This is not a fight for “privilege”; it is a fight for freedom—freedom for '' every'' citizen. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/speeches/displaydocument.asp?docid=102600 Article for Daily Telegraph ("My Kind of Tory Party") (30 January 1975)] * If a Tory does not believe that private property is one of the main bulwarks of individual freedom, then he had better become a socialist and have done with it. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/speeches/displaydocument.asp?docid=102600 Article for Daily Telegraph ("My Kind of Tory Party") (30 January 1975)] *This is not a confrontation between ‘left’ and ‘right’. I am trying to represent the deep feelings of those many thousands of rank-and-file Tories in the country—and potential Conservative voters, too—who feel let down by our party and find themselves unrepresented in a political vacuum. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/102605 Speech in Finchley (31 January 1975)] *In the desperate situation of Britain today, our party needs the support of all who value the traditional ideals of Toryism: compassion, and concern for the individual and his freedom; opposition to excessive State power; the right of the enterprising, the hard-working and the thrifty to succeed and to reap the rewards of success and pass some of them on to their children; encouragement of that infinite diversity of choice that is an essential of freedom; the defence of widely-distributed private property against the Socialist State; the right of a man to work without oppression by either employer or trade union boss. There is a widespread feeling in the country that the Conservative party has not defended these ideals explicitly and toughly enough, so that Britain is set on a course towards inevitable Socialist mediocrity. That course must not only be halted, it must be reversed. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/102605 Speech in Finchley (31 January 1975)] *Our challenge is to create the kind of economic background which enables private initiative and private enterprise to flourish for the benefit of the consumer, employee, the pensioner, and society as a whole...I believe we should judge people on merit and not on background. I believe the person who is prepared to work hardest should get the greatest rewards and keep them after tax. That we should back the workers and not the shirkers: that it is not only permissible but praiseworthy to want to benefit your own family by your own efforts **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/102484 Speech at Young Conservative Conference (8 February 1975)] ===Leader of the Opposition=== *'''I place a profound belief—indeed a fervent faith—in the virtues of self reliance and personal independence'''. On these is founded the whole case for the free society, for the assertion that human progress is best achieved by offering the freest possible scope for the development of individual talents, qualified only by a respect for the qualities and the freedom of others...For many years there has been a subtle erosion of the essential virtues of the free society. Self-reliance has been sneered at as if it were an absurd suburban pretention. Thrift has been denigrated as if it were greed. The desire of parents to choose and to struggle for what they themselves regarded as the best possible education for their children has been scorned. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/102655 Speech to Conservative Central Council (15 March 1975)] *I do not believe, in spite of all this, that the people of this country have abandoned their faith in the qualities and characteristics which made them a great people. Not a bit of it. We are still the same people. All that has happened is that we have temporarily lost confidence in our own strength. We have lost sight of the banners. The trumpets have given an uncertain sound. '''It is our duty, our purpose, to raise those banners high, so that all can see them, to sound the trumpets clearly and boldly so that all can hear them.''' Then we shall not have to convert people to our principles. They will simply rally to those which truly are their own. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/102655 Speech to Conservative Central Council (15 March 1975)] *This Party of ours has been on the defensive for too long. The time has come to counter-attack...The intellectual counter-attack is as important as the counter-attack in Parliament and in the constituencies. If we can win the battle of ideas, then the war will already be half-won. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/102663 Speech to Federation of Conservative Students Conference (24 March 1975)] *'''I shall never stop fighting. I mean this country to survive, to prosper and to be free'''...I haven't fought the destructive forces of socialism for more than twenty years in order to stop now, when the critical phase of the struggle is upon us. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/102663 Speech to Federation of Conservative Students Conference (24 March 1975)] *This is what we believe. **Remarks on ''The Constitution of Liberty'' by F. A. Hayek during a visit to the Conservative Research Department (summer 1975), quoted in John Ranelagh, ''Thatcher's People'' (London: HarperCollins, 1991), p. ix. *Detente sounds a fine word. And, to the extent that there really has been a relaxation in international tension, it is a fine thing. But the fact remains that throughout this decade of detente, the armed forces of the Soviet Union have increased, are increasing, and show no signs of diminishing. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/102750 Speech to Chelsea Conservative Association (26 July 1975)] *They are arrayed against every principle for which we stand. So when the Soviet leaders jail a writer, or a priest, or a doctor or a worker, for the crime of speaking freely, it is not only for humanitarian reasons that we should be concerned. For these acts reveal a regime that is afraid of truth and liberty; it dare not allow its people to enjoy the freedoms we take for granted, and a nation that denies those freedoms to its own people will have few scruples in denying them to others. If detente is to progress then it ought to mean that the Soviet authorities relax their ruthless opposition to all forms and expressions of dissent. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/102750 Speech to Chelsea Conservative Association (26 July 1975)] *The whole history of negotiation with the Soviet Union teaches us that if you do something they want without insisting on something in return, the Soviets do not regard it as a kindness to be reciprocated, but as a weakness to be exploited. There is a lot of fashionable nonsense talked about how we misunderstand Communism, misrepresent Communism, see Communists under every bed. An attempt is being made, it seems, to create an atmosphere where truth and commonsense on these matters is actively discouraged. I believe the people of this country understand better the truth of the matter than those who try to mislead them. We must work for a real relaxation of tension, but in our negotiations with the Eastern bloc we must not accept words or gestures as a substitute for genuine detente. No flood of words emanating from a summit conference will mean anything unless it is accompanied by some positive action by which the Soviet leaders show that their ingrained attitudes are really beginning to change. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/102750 Speech to Chelsea Conservative Association (26 July 1975)] *What are the lessons then that we've learned from the last thirty years? First, that the pursuit of equality itself is a mirage. What's more desirable and more practicable than the pursuit of equality is the pursuit of equality of opportunity. And opportunity means nothing unless it includes the right to be unequal and the freedom to be different. One of the reasons that we value individuals is not because they're all the same, but because they're all different. I believe you have a saying in the Middle West: ‘Don't cut down the tall poppies. Let them rather grow tall.’ '''I would say, let our children grow tall and some taller than others if they have the ability in them to do so.''' Because we must build a society in which each citizen can develop his full potential, both for his own benefit and for the community as a whole, a society in which originality, skill, energy and thrift are rewarded, in which we encourage rather than restrict the variety and richness of human nature. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/102769 Speech to the Institute of SocioEconomic Studies (15 September 1975)] *I am all for the spirit behind this, for easier contacts and the freer movement of people. I am for détente—who is not? '''I am also for ''attente'', for wanting to see results; for not letting down our guard; for keeping our powder dry.''' Let them show us that they will practise what they preach, about reducing the threat of war, about non-intervention in the internal affairs of other countries. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/102462 Speech to Pilgrims of the United States (16 September 1975)] regarding the Soviet Union *In every generation there comes a moment to choose, and for too long we've chosen the soft option. And it's brought us pretty low. There are some signs now that our people are prepared to make the tough choice and to follow the harder road. We're still the same people that have fought for freedom, and won, and the spirit of adventure, the inventiveness, the determination are still strands in our character. '''We may suffer from a British sickness now, but we have a British constitution and it's still sound, and we have British hearts and a British will to win through. I believe in Britain. I believe in the British people. I believe in our future.''' **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/102770 Speech to the National Press Club (19 September 1975)] * '''And I will go on criticising Socialism''', and opposing Socialism because it is bad for Britain – and Britain and Socialism are not the same thing...It's the Labour Government that have brought us record peace-time taxation. '''They’ve got the usual Socialist disease – they’ve run out of other people's money.''' ** [http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/102777 Speech to the Conservative Party Conference (10 October 1975)] ** The last sentence is widely paraphrased as "The trouble/problem with socialism is that eventually you run out of other people's money." *I sometimes think the Labour Party is like a pub where the mild is running out. If someone doesn't do something soon, all that's left will be bitter. (Laughter). And all that's bitter will be Left. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/102777 Speech to the Conservative Party Conference (10 October 1975)] *Let me give you my vision. A man's right to work as he will to spend what he earns to own property to have the State as servant and not as master these are the British inheritance. They are the essence of a free economy. And on that freedom all our other freedoms depend. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/102777 Speech to the Conservative Party Conference (10 October 1975)] * Some Socialists seem to believe that people should be numbers in a State computer. We believe they should be individuals. '''We are all unequal. No one, thank heavens, is like anyone else''', however much the Socialists may pretend otherwise. '''We believe that everyone has the right to be unequal but to us every human being is equally important.''' ** [http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/102777 Speech to the Conservative Party Conference (10 October 1975)] *She's ruled by a dictatorship of patient, far-sighted determined men who are rapidly making their country the foremost naval and military power in the world. They are not doing this solely for the sake of self-defence. A huge, largely land-locked country like Russia does not need to build the most powerful navy in the world just to guard its own frontiers. No. '''The Russians are bent on world dominance, and they are rapidly acquiring the means to become the most powerful imperial nation the world has seen. The men in the Soviet politburo don't have to worry about the ebb and flow of public opinion. They put guns before butter, while we put just about everything before guns.''' They know that they are a super power in only one sense&mdash;the military sense. They are a failure in human and economic terms. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/speeches/displaydocument.asp?docid=102939 Speech at Kensington Town Hall ("Britain Awake") (19 January 1976)] **In response to this speech, the Soviet Army newspaper ''Red Star'' labelled Thatcher "the Iron Lady," a moniker that would stick for the remainder of her political career. *We are fighting a major internal war against terrorism in Northern Ireland, and need more troops in order to win it. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/speeches/displaydocument.asp?docid=102939 Speech at Kensington Town Hall ("Britain Awake") (19 January 1976)] *The Socialists tell us that there are massive profits in a particular industry and they should not go to the shareholders—but that the public should reap the benefits. Benefits? What benefits? '''When you take into public ownership a profitable industry, the profits soon disappear. The goose that laid the golden eggs goes broody. State geese are not great layers.''' The steel industry was nationalised some years ago in the public interest—yet the only interest now left to the public is in witnessing the depressing spectacle of their money going down the drain at a rate of a million pounds a day. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/102947 Speech to Finchley Conservatives (31 January 1976)] *Socialists then shift the ground for taking industries into “public ownership”. They then tell us that some industries cannot survive any longer unless they are taken into public ownership, allegedly to protect the public from the effects of their collapse. It all sounds so cosy, and so democratic. But is it true? No, of course it isn't. The moment ownership passes into the name of the public is the moment the public ceases to have any ownership or accountability, and often the moment when it ceases to get what it wants. But it is invariably the moment when the public starts to pay. Pays to take the industry over. Pays the losses by higher taxes. Pays for inefficiencies in higher prices. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/102947 Speech to Finchley Conservatives (31 January 1976)] * '''Socialist governments traditionally do make a financial mess. They always run out of other people's money. It's quite a characteristic of them.''' ** [http://www.margaretthatcher.org/speeches/displaydocument.asp?docid=102953 TV interview for Thames TV ''This Week'' (5 February 1976)] *We know what we want to do as a Conservative Party. There are two ways to run a country. One is towards Socialist Marxism and the other is to a free society. The more you have nationalisation and the more the State takes choice away from the people, the further you are going to the total Socialist Marxist society. The more you do that, the more you relinquish your freedom and income to the State. ** [https://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/102833 Speech to Taunton Conservatives (20 February 1976)] *There are others who warn not only of the threat from without, but of something more insidious, not readily perceived, not always deliberate, something that is happening here at home. What are they pointing to? '''They are pointing to the steady and remorseless expansion of the Socialist State.''' Now none of us would claim that the majority of Socialists are inspired by other than humanitarian and well-meaning ideals. At the same time few would, I think, deny today that they have made a monster that they can't control. Increasingly, inexorably, the State the Socialists have created is becoming more random in the economic and social justice it seeks to dispense, more suffocating in its effect on human aspirations and initiative, more politically selective in its defence of the rights of its citizens, more gargantuan in its appetite—and more disastrously incompetent in its performance. Above all, it poses a growing threat, however unintentional, to the freedom of this country, for there is no freedom where the State totally controls the economy. '''Personal freedom and economic freedom are indivisible. You can't have one without the other. You can't lose one without losing the other.''' **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/102990 Speech to Conservative Central Council ("The Historic Choice") (20 March 1976)] *Every step this Socialist Government takes to seize more power over our daily lives diminishes those lives and the freedom which is their essence and their strength. One of our principal and continuing priorities when we are returned to office will be to restore the freedoms which the Socialists have usurped. Let them learn that it is not a function of the State to possess as much as possible. It is not a function of the State to grab as much as it can get away with. It is not a function of the State to act as ring-master, to crack the whip, dictate the load which all of us must carry or say how high we may climb. It is not a function of the State to ensure that no-one climbs higher than anyone else. '''All that is the philosophy of Socialism. We reject it utterly for, however well-intended, it leads in one direction only: to the erosion and finally the destruction of the democratic way of life.''' **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/102990 Speech to Conservative Central Council ("The Historic Choice") (20 March 1976)] *We have brought three words—freedom, choice, opportunity—into the centre of the political debate. And we have exposed the language of Socialism, the gloss they put on words to conceal their true meaning. For instance, Socialists say “publicly owned”. What they mean is “State controlled”. Socialists say “Government aid”. What they mean is “taxpayers' aid”. Socialists say “social justice”. What they mean is “selective justice”. Socialists say “equality.” What they mean is “levelling down”. Why do they twist the truth like this? Because they dare not spell out the Socialist reality. One way to destroy capitalism, said Lenin, was to devalue its currency. Another way is to debase its language. Whenever we can, let us, like [[Martin Luther|Luther]], nail the truth to the door—and let us do it in unambiguous English. These are the opening rounds in the battle of ideas. It is a battle that we are winning. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/102990 Speech to Conservative Central Council ("The Historic Choice") (20 March 1976)] *There is no such thing as “safe” Socialism. If it's safe, it's not Socialism. And if it's Socialism, it's not safe. The signposts of Socialism point downhill to less freedom, less prosperity, downhill to more muddle, more failure. If we follow them to their destination, they will lead this nation into bankruptcy. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/102990 Speech to Conservative Central Council ("The Historic Choice") (20 March 1976)] *Our aim is not just to remove our uniquely incompetent Government from office—it is to destroy the socialist fallacies—indeed the whole fallacy of socialism—that the Labour Party exists to spread. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/103017 Speech to Junior Carlton Club Political Council (4 May 1976)] *In some European countries, we now see Communist parties dressed in democratic clothes and speaking with soft voices. Of course we hope that their oft-proclaimed change of heart is genuine. But every child in Europe knows the story of little Red Riding Hood and what happened to her in her grandmother's cottage in the forest. '''Despite the new look of these Communist parties, despite the softness of their voices, we should be on the watch for the teeth and the appetite of the wolf.''' **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/103034 Speech to Christian Democratic Union Conference (25 May 1976)] *Under the Socialists, rapid strides have been taken towards the Iron Curtain State. We have seen increased nationalisation measures, increased powers of central Government over both large and small companies, increased levels of tax on the pay packet and on savings alike, and an increased proportion of the national income spent not by the wage-earner but by the Government or Government agencies. In the result, the Prime Minister has become the first Socialist Minister since the Chancellor of the Exchequer in 1951 to say that his policies will mean a reduced standard of living for our people...it is clear that Socialist systems are not good at creating wealth; they can only spend the wealth that others create. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/103046 Speech in the House of Commons (9 June 1976)] *The Labour Party has now been taken over by extremists...The Labour Party is now committed to a programme which is frankly and unashamedly Marxist, a programme initiated by its National Executive and now firmly endorsed by its official Party Conference. In the House of Commons the Labour Left may still be outnumbered, but their votes are vital to the continuance of Labour in office, and that gives them a strength out of proportion to their numbers. And make no mistake, that strength, those numbers, are growing. In the constituency Labour parties, in the Parliamentary Labour Party, in Transport House, in the Cabinet Room itself, the Marxists call an increasing number of tunes...let's not mince words. The dividing line between the Labour Party programme and Communism is becoming harder and harder to detect. Indeed, in many respects Labour's programme is more extreme than those of many Communist parties of Western Europe. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/103105 Speech to Conservative Party Conference (8 October 1976)] *I call the Conservative Party now to a crusade. Not only the Conservative Party. I appeal to all those men and women of goodwill who do not want a Marxist future for themselves or their children or their children's children. This is not just a fight about national solvency. '''It is a fight about the very foundations of the social order. It is a crusade not merely to put a temporary brake on Socialism, but to stop its onward march once and for all.''' **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/103105 Speech to Conservative Party Conference (8 October 1976)] *The word “equality” is often used, but, wisely, rarely defined. The moment one tries to define it, one gets into great difficulty. For example, it cannot mean equality of incomes or earnings; otherwise, we would not need more than one union. Indeed, we would not need one union. If we are to have opportunity, we cannot have equality, because the two are opposite. '''We may have equality of opportunity, but if the only opportunity is to be equal, it is not opportunity'''. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/103146 Speech in the House of Commons (24 November 1976)] *To me there is only one way to judge a person, whatever his background, whatever his colour, whatever his religion, and that is what that person is, and not by his race or creed. That is what I believe in, that is what I will tell everyone and that is what I try to achieve everything. **Speech to the Young Conservative Conference in Eastbourne (13 February 1977), quoted in ''The Times'' (14 February 1977), p. 3 *I do not believe that history is writ clear and unchallengeable. It doesn't just happen. History is made by people: its movement depends on small currents as well as great tides, on ideas, perceptions, will and courage, the ability to sense a trend, the will to act on understanding and intuition. It is up to us to give intellectual content and political direction to these new dissatisfactions with socialism in practice, with its material and moral failures, we must convert disillusion into understanding. If we fail, the tide will be lost. But if it is taken, the last quarter of our century can initiate a new renaissance matching anything in our island's long and outstanding history. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/103336 Speech to the Zurich Economic Society “The New Renaissance” (14 March 1977)] *The economic success of the Western world is a product of its moral philosophy and practice. The economic results are better because the moral philosophy is superior. It is superior because it starts with the individual, with his uniqueness, his responsibility, and his capacity to choose. Surely this is infinitely preferable to the Socialist-statist philosophy which sets up a centralised economic system to which the individual must conform, which subjugates him, directs him and denies him the right to free choice. Choice is the essence of ethics: if there were no choice, there would be no ethics, no good, no evil; good and evil have meaning only insofar as man is free to choose. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/103336 Speech to the Zurich Economic Society “The New Renaissance” (14 March 1977)] *In our philosophy the purpose of the life of the individual is not to be the servant of the State and its objectives, but to make the best of his talents and qualities. The sense of being self-reliant, of playing a role within the family, of owning one's own property, of paying one's way, are all part of the spiritual ballast which maintains responsible citizenship, and provides the solid foundation from which people look around to see what more they might do, for others and for themselves. '''That is what we mean by a moral society; not a society where the State is responsible for everything, and no-one is responsible for the State.''' **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/103336 Speech to the Zurich Economic Society “The New Renaissance” (14 March 1977)] *Our religion teaches us that every human being is unique and must play his part in working out his own salvation. So whereas socialists begin with society, and how people can be fitted in, we start with Man, whose social and economic relationship are just part of his wider existence. Because we see man as a spiritual being, we utterly reject the Marxist view, which gives pride of place to economics...The religious tradition values economic activity, how we earn our living, create wealth, but warns against obsession with it, warns against putting it above all else. Money is not an end in itself, but a means to an end. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/103411 Speech to Greater London Young Conservatives (Iain Macleod Memorial Lecture - "Dimensions of Conservatism") (4 July 1977)] *There is not and cannot possibly be any hard and fast antithesis between self-interest and care for others, for man is a social creature, born into family, clan, community, nation, brought up in mutual dependence. The founders of our religion made this a cornerstone of morality. The admonition: love they neighbour as thyself, and do as you would be done by, expresses this. You will note that it does not denigrate self, or elevate love of others above it. On the contrary, it sees concern for self and responsibility for self as something to be expected, and asks only that this be extended to others. This embodies the great truth that self-regard is the root of regard for one's fellows. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/103411 Speech to Greater London Young Conservatives (Iain Macleod Memorial Lecture - "Dimensions of Conservatism") (4 July 1977)] *Instead of a government with steel in its backbone, we've got one with Steel in its pocket. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/103443 Speech to the Conservative Party Conference (14 October 1977)]. The Labour government had entered into a [[w:Lib–Lab_pact#1977|Pact]] with the Liberal leader [[w:David Steel|David Steel]]. * People from my sort of background needed Grammar schools to compete with children from privileged homes like [[w:Shirley Williams|Shirley Williams]] and [[w:Tony Benn|Anthony Wedgwood Benn]]. ** [http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/103443 Speech to the Conservative Party Conference (14 October 1977)] [[File:Thatcher-loc.jpg|thumb|right|My job is to stop Britain from going red.]] * '''My job is to stop Britain from going red.''' ** [http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/103192 Speech to Institute of Public Relations (2 November 1977)] * Madame Chairman, I presume this is to sweep Britain clean of socialism ** Margaret Thatcher, at a Tory party conference, holding a brush. (date unknown) * Well now, look, let us try and start with a few figures as far as we know them, and I am the first to admit it is not easy to get clear figures from the Home Office about immigration, but there was a committee which looked at it and said that if we went on as we are then by the end of the century there would be four million people of the new Commonwealth or Pakistan here. Now, that is an awful lot and I think it means that people are really rather afraid that this country might be rather swamped by people with a different culture and, you know, the British character has done so much for democracy, for law and done so much throughout the world that if there is any fear that it might be swamped people are going to react and be rather hostile to those coming in. So, if you want good race relations, you have got to allay peoples' fears on numbers. Now, the key to this was not what Keith Speed said just a couple of weeks ago. It really was what Willie Whitelaw said at the Conservative Party Conference in Brighton, where he said we must hold out the clear prospect of an end to immigration because at the moment it is about between 45,000 and 50,000 people coming in a year. Now, I was brought up in a small town, 25,000. That would be two new towns a year and that is quite a lot. So, we do have to hold out the prospect of an end to immigration except, of course, for compassionate cases. Therefore, we have got to look at the numbers who have a right to come in. There are a number of United Kingdom passport holders—for example, in East Africa—and what Keith and his committee are trying to do is to find out exactly how we are going to do it; who must come in; how you deal with the compassionate cases, but nevertheless, holding out the prospect of an end to immigration. ** TV Interview for Granada ''World in Action'', 27 January 1978. [http://www.margaretthatcher.org/speeches/displaydocument.asp?docid=103485 Transcript online] at the ''Margaret Thatcher Foundation'' *I hate extremes of any kind. Communism and the [[w:British National Front|National Front]] both seek the domination of the state over the individual. They both, I believe crush the right of the individual. To me, therefore, they are parties of a similar kind. All my life I have stood against banning Communism or other extremist organisations because, if you do that, they go underground and it gives them an excitement that they don't get if they are allowed to pursue their policies openly. We'll beat them into the ground on argument... The National Front is a Socialist Front. ** [http://www.margaretthatcher.org/speeches/displaydocument.asp?docid=103662 Interview for ''Hornsey Journal'' (21 April 1978)] *'''No, I'm not a feminist'''...I think they've become too strident. I think they have done great damage to the cause of women by making us out to be something we are not. Each person is different. Each has their own talents and abilities, and these are the things you want to draw and bring out. You don't say: “I must get on because I'm a woman, or that I must get on because I'm a man”. You should say that you should get on because you have the combination of talents which are right for the job. The moment you exaggerate the question, you defeat your case. ** [http://www.margaretthatcher.org/speeches/displaydocument.asp?docid=103662 Interview for ''Hornsey Journal'' (21 April 1978)] *Once you give people the idea that all this can be done by the State, and that it is somehow second-best or even degrading to leave it to private people...then you will begin to deprive human beings of one of the essential ingredients of humanity—personal moral responsibility. You will in effect dry up in them the milk of human kindness. If you allow people to hand over to the State all their personal responsibility, the time will come—indeed it is close at hand—when what the taxpayer is willing to provide for the good of humanity will be seen to be far less than what the individual used to be willing to give from love of his neighbour. So do not be tempted to identify virtue with collectivism. I wonder whether the State services would have done as much for the man who fell among thieves as the Good Samaritan did for him? ...the role of the State in Christian Society is to encourage virtue, not to usurp it. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/103522 Speech at St Lawrence Jewry (30 March 1978)] *Marxists get up early in the morning to further their cause. We must get up even earlier to defend our freedom. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/103683 Article for ''Hamburger Abendblatt'' (13 May 1978)] *All over the country, particularly in our large urban areas, old people do go in fear and trembling as never before during either the lifetime of their parents or grandparents...we have been too ready to listen to those who believe that rising crime is due to things like higher unemployment, poor housing, poor pay. While it has always been part of Conservative policy to raise the standard of living of our people we must recognise that in the 1930's there were far more people out of work, far less prosperity and worse housing—but much less crime than now...'''Rising crime is not due to “society”—but to the steady undermining of personal responsibility and self-discipline—all things which are taught within the family.''' **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/103696 Speech to Conservative Women's Conference (24 May 1978)]. *Perhaps [the] most important reason for the fall in standards and increase in crime—the attack on traditional values. It is not surprising that sometimes parents have been confused about the endless advice and the many rival theories on how to bring up children. '''There were times when I had to remind myself that our parents and grandparents brought us up without trendy theories and they didn't make such a bad job of it.''' So it would seem that the tried and trusted values and commonsense application would lead to far better results than we are now experiencing. We must teach that each of us is a responsible person who can choose his own course of action and who has a duty to others to do as he would be done by. That morality is largely based on religious values. Cut the stem and the plant withers. That is why we have been so keen to keep religious teaching in our schools. To those who say that is indoctrinating children, I would reply—it is no such thing. It is a practical recognition of the truth that while an adult may, if he wishes, reject the faith in which he has been brought up, a child will find it difficult to acquire any faith at all without some instruction in the discipline of belief and practice. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/103696 Speech to Conservative Women's Conference (24 May 1978)]. * The only way to do the best you can is to work as hard as you can. ** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xL5walAO3KI&feature=youtu.be&t=15m] *If the past is any guide, what has happened this winter could happen again next winter and the winter after that and so on and so on. '''What we face is a threat to our whole way of life'''...The case is now surely overwhelming, there will be no solution to our difficulties which does not include some restriction on the power of the unions. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/103926 Conservative Party television broadcast “Winter of Discontent” (17 January 1979)] * We shall have to learn again to be one nation, or one day we shall be no nation. ** [http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/103926 Conservative Party television broadcast “Winter of Discontent” (17 January 1979)] *As Conservatives we believe that recovery can only come through the work of individuals. We mustn't forever take refuge behind collective decisions. Each of us must assume our own responsibilities. What we get and what we become depends essentially on our own efforts. For what is the real driving force in society? It's the desire for the individual to do the best for himself and his family. People don't go out to work for the Chancellor of the Exchequer. They go out to work for their family, for their children, to help look after their parents...That's the way society is improved, by millions of people resolving that they'll give their children a better life than they've had themselves. '''And there's just no substitute for this elemental human instinct, and the worst possible thing a Government can do is to try to smother it completely with a sort of collective alternative. They won't work, they can't work. They crush and destroy something precious and vital in the nation and in the individual spirit.''' **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/104011 Speech to Conservative Rally in Cardiff (16 April 1979)] *I am a conviction politician. The Old Testament prophets didn't say, 'Brothers, I want a consensus.' They said, 'This is my faith, this is what I passionately believe. If you believe it too, then come with me.' **[https://www.nytimes.com/1979/04/19/archives/thatcher-speech-warms-up-the-british-campaign-first-major-address.html Thatcher Speech Warms Up the British Campaign], ''The New York Times'', 19 April 1979 *There are people in this country who are the great destroyers; they wish to destroy the kind of free society we have. They wouldn't have the freedom and the kind of society they wish to impose on us. Many of those people are in the unions. Many many people in the unions do not wish to strike, and I think many of those who struck in hospitals and in the ambulance service didn't wish to. I'm not suggesting that every strike is dominated by those, but a number are. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/104040 TV Interview for Thames TV ''TV Eye'' (24 April 1979)] *I can't bear Britain in decline. I just can't. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/103864 Interviewed] by Michael Cockerell for BBC TV's ''Campaign '79'' (27 April 1979). *We Conservatives...are realists. We know that the British are one of the most creative and gifted peoples on earth. But we also know that the British are individualists, who do not respond to state direction and control. We like leadership—yes. But, above all, we like freedom. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/104052 Article for the ''News of the World'' (29 April 1979)] *I proclaim with confidence that Britain can get right back into the world competitive race if only we can break free of the collective chains which hold us back. Unlike the socialists, who trust the state, we trust the people. That is why we are the party of freedom. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/104052 Article for the ''News of the World'' (29 April 1979)] *In this over-governed country of ours, '''the creative majority have too little freedom, and the tiny minority of wreckers have too much licence.''' The government I shall form next weekend will decisively reverse this state of affairs. '''Help me to liberate those who create wealth—and to make the wreckers run for cover.''' **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/104052 Article for the ''News of the World'' (29 April 1979)] ===First term as Prime Minister=== * '''Where there is discord, may we bring harmony. Where there is error, may we bring truth. Where there is doubt, may we bring faith. And where there is despair, may we bring hope'''. ** Statement on the doorstep of [[w:en:10 Downing Street|10 Downing Street]], after her election as Prime Minister, as quoted at [http://news.bbc.co.uk/onthisday/hi/dates/stories/may/4/newsid_2503000/2503195.stm ''On this day'' (BBC)]. (This is a paraphrasing of a prayer<ref name="sand_Whow">{{Cite news |title=Who wrote Prayer of St. Francis? Doubtful it was friar |work=[[w:en:San Diego Union-Tribune|San Diego Union-Tribune]] |date=27 January 2009 |accessdate=28 July 2019 |url= https://www.sandiegouniontribune.com/sdut-1n27prayer00320-who-wrote-prayer-st-francis-doubtf-2009jan27-htmlstory.html |quote=Lord, make me an instrument of thy peace. Where there is hatred, let me sow love; Where there is injury, pardon; Where there is doubt, faith; Where there is despair, hope; Where there is darkness, light; Where there is sadness, joy.}}</ref> commonly misattributed to [[Francis of Assisi|St. Francis of Assisi]].)<ref name="tele_Ther">{{Cite news |title=The real prayer of Francis of Assisi |author=Howse, Christopher |work=[[w:en:The Daily Telegraph|The Daily Telegraph]] |date=12 April 2013 |accessdate=28 July 2019 |url= https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/religion/9991301/The-real-prayer-of-Francis-of-Assisi.html |quote=That was written in 1912, in French, and published in a pious magazine edited by Fr Esther Bouquerel. It was attributed to St Francis in 1927 through its having been printed on the back of a picture of the saint.}}</ref><ref name="sand_Whow2">{{Cite news |title=Who wrote Prayer of St. Francis? Doubtful it was friar |work=San Diego Union-Tribune |date=27 January 2009 |accessdate=28 July 2019 |url= https://www.sandiegouniontribune.com/sdut-1n27prayer00320-who-wrote-prayer-st-francis-doubtf-2009jan27-htmlstory.html |quote=An article published last week in L'Osservatore Romano, the Vatican newspaper, said the prayer in its current form dates only from 1912, when it appeared in a French Catholic periodical. ... Although news to many, the truth about the prayer had apparently been hiding in plain sight. “No one among the Franciscans ever thought it really was by St. Francis,” said Giovanni Maria Vian, the editor of L'Osservatore Romano. }}</ref> * Any woman who understands the problems of running a home will be nearer to understanding the problems of running a country. ** BBC (1979); reported in John Blundell, ''Margaret Thatcher: A Portrait of the Iron Lady'' (2008), page 193. * I have thought long and deeply about the post of Foreign Secretary and have decided to offer it to Peter Carrington who &ndash; as I am sure you will agree &ndash; will do the job superbly. ** Letter to [[Edward Heath]] (4 May 1979), who had been hoping for the job of Foreign Secretary in Thatcher's government, quoted in Edward Heath, ''The Course of My Life'' (Hodder and Stoughton, 1998), p. 574 *It has been suggested by some people in this country that I and my government will be a “soft touch” in the [European] Community. In case such a rumour may have reached your ears, Mr Chancellor...it is only fair that I should advise you frankly to dismiss it (as my own colleagues did, long ago). '''We shall judge what British interests are and we shall be resolute in defending them.''' **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/104080 Speech at dinner for West German Chancellor (Helmut Schmidt) (10 May 1979)] *Communism never sleeps, never changes its objectives, nor must we. Our first duty to freedom is to defend our own. Then one day we might export a little to those peoples who have to live without it. Let no one be under any misunderstanding about the inflexible resolve of Her Majesty's Government to strengthen our defences and to play our full part in the defence of a free Europe. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/104088 Speech at "Youth for Europe" Rally (2 June 1979)] *The restoration of the confidence of a great nation is a massive task. We do not shrink from it. It will not be given to this generation of our countrymen to create a great Empire. But it is given to us to demand an end to decline and to make a stand against what Churchill described as the “long dismal drawling tides of drift and surrender, of wrong measurements and feeble impulses”. Though less powerful than once we were, we have friends in every quarter of the globe, who will rejoice at our recovery, welcome the revival of our influence, and benefit from the message and from the example of our renewal. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/104107 Speech to the Conservative Political Centre Summer School ("The Renewal of Britain") (6 July 1979)] *I must be absolutely clear about this. Britain cannot accept the present situation on the Budget. It is demonstrably unjust. It is politically indefensible: I cannot play Sister Bountiful to the Community while my own electorate are being asked to forego improvements in the fields of health, education, welfare and the rest. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/104149 Winston Churchill Memorial Lecture (18 October 1979)] regarding the UK's contribution to the European Community budget. *They are all a rotten lot. [[Helmut Schmidt|Schmidt]] and the Americans and we are the only people who would do any standing up and fighting if necessary. **Remark to President of the European Commission [[Roy Jenkins]] on her European Community colleagues (22 October 1979), quoted in Roy Jenkins, ''European Diary, 1977-1981'' (London: Collins, 1989), p. 511 * Pennies don't fall from heaven, they have to be earned here on earth. ** [http://www.margaretthatcher.org/speeches/displaydocument.asp?docid=104167 Speech at Lord Mayor's Banquet (12 November 1979)] * We are not asking for a penny piece of Community money for Britain. What we are asking is for a very large amount of '''our own money back''', over and above what we contribute to the Community, which is covered by our receipts from the Community. ** [http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/104180 Press Conference after Dublin European Council (30 November 1979)] when she was trying to renegotiate Britain's EEC budget contribution at the EEC Summit in Dublin. Often quoted as "I want my money back". *I have always gone about this business on the basis that one cannot have a partnership unless there is equity among partners. Equity, of course, is historically a British concept, but I think that it is one that we bring to the [European] Community. **[https://api.parliament.uk/historic-hansard/commons/1979/dec/03/european-council-dublin-meeting Prime Minister's Questions (3 December 1979)] *No-one would remember the Good Samaritan if he'd only had good intentions; he had money as well. ** [http://www.margaretthatcher.org/speeches/displaydocument.asp?docid=104210 TV Interview for London Weekend Television ''Weekend World'' (6 January 1980)] *We will not take money in taxes from those who work hard and pay it out to those who don't. We are trying to roll back the tide of Socialism. We must get ‘stuck in’ and sort out our problems in our traditional British way instead of asking the Government to intervene every time. Intervening means taking from people who work jolly hard and just manage to live within their means and make a profit, money in extra tax to pay for those who don't. ** [https://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/104297 Speech to Finchley Conservatives ("We are trying to roll back the tide of Socialism") (26 January 1980)] *Don't try persuading me, you know I find persuasion very counterproductive. **Remark to President of the European Commission Roy Jenkins (28 April 1980), quoted in Roy Jenkins, ''European Diary, 1977-1981'' (London: Collins, 1989), p. 593 * Gentlemen, there is nothing sweeter than success, and you boys have got it! ** Her comment to the SAS group, at 9.45 p.m. soon after [[w:Iranian Embassy Siege|Operation Nimrod]] (5 May 1980) *I am the rebel head of an establishment government. **Remark to a reception at 10 Downing Street (24 June 1980), quoted in [[w:Norman St John-Stevas|Norman St John-Stevas]], ''The Two Cities'' (London: Faber and Faber, 1984), p. 83 * '''There really is no alternative'''. ** [http://www.margaretthatcher.org/Speeches/displaydocument.asp?docid=104389&doctype=1 Press Conference for American correspondents in London (25 June 1980)], defending monetarist policy. *They don't patronize me for being a woman. ''Nobody'' puts me down. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/104260 Interview for ''Daily Express'' (8 August 1980)] on male heads of state, quoted in Chris Ogden, ''Maggie: An Intimate Portrait of a Woman in Power'' (New York: Simon and Schuster, 1990), p. 341. * To those waiting with bated breath for that favourite media catchphrase, the U-turn, I have only one thing to say: You turn if you want to. [laughter] '''The lady's not for turning'''. ** [http://news.bbc.co.uk/onthisday/hi/dates/stories/october/10/newsid_2541000/2541071.stm Reacting to doubt over her economic policies] at a Conservative Party Conference (10 October 1980) ** A play on ''The Lady's Not for Burning'', a 1948 play by Christopher Fry about a witchcraft trial. *If simply printing and spending more money would cure our problems we should by now be one of the wealthiest nations in the Western world.—In the lifetime of the last Labour Government the amount of money in the economy went up by £20 thousand million but the number of jobs did not increase. Indeed, unemployment doubled and prices more than doubled too.—In the last three years (1976–79) the amount of money in the economy went up by 50%; but yet only 4%; went into output, the rest into higher prices and imports. '''The record is clear, printing money doesn't create jobs, it only creates more inflation.''' But there is another word for printing money—they call it “reflection”. It is a cosy word but a fraudulent device. It cuts the value of every pound in circulation, of every pound the thrifty have saved. It means spending money you can't afford, haven't earned and haven't got. You would accept that it is neither moral nor responsible for a family to live beyond its means. Equally it is neither moral nor responsible for a Government to spend beyond the nation's means, even for services which may be desirable. So we must curb public spending to amounts that can be financed by taxation at tolerable levels and borrowing at reasonable rates of interest. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/104439 Speech to Conservative Trade Unionists (Annual Conference) (1 November 1980)] *Let me make one point about the hunger strike in the Maze prison. I want this to be utterly clear. There can be no political justification for murder or any other crime. The Government will never concede political status to the hunger strikers, or to any others convicted of criminal offences in the Province. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/104446 Speech in the House of Commons (20 November 1980)] regarding the [[w:1981 Irish hunger strike|Irish hunger strike]] *It's like a nurse looking after an ill patient. Which is the better nurse? The one who smothers the patient with sympathy and says ‘never mind, dear, there there, you just lie back and I'll bring you all your meals. I'll bring you all your papers. Just lie back, I'll look after you’? Or the nurse who says ‘Now, come on. Shake out of it. I know you've had an operation yesterday. It's time you put your feet to the ground and took a few steps. That's right, dear, that's right. Now get back and take a few more tomorrow’...'''Which is the one most likely to get results? The one who says, come on you can do it. That's me.''' **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/104452 Radio Interview for IRN (28 November 1980)] * I love argument, I love debate. I don't expect anyone just to sit there and agree with me, that’s not their job. ** ''The Times'' (1980), as cited in {{harvnb|Dale|2012}} *To many of us it seems that there is precious little difference between the policies of the Communist Party and the policies of the Labour Party. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/104460 Prime Minister's Questions (11 December 1980)] *May I make one point absolutely clear; the time we went there was a hunger strike on in the Maze, no-one has asked me, no-one in official authority or in high places has ever asked me to give political status to people who've been convicted of terrible crimes like murder, wounding, maming, causing explosions. That used to be asked. I think one of the reasons why we're not asked now is because we have got over our viewpoint and because everyone knows that this government will not budge on things which it regards as vital. There is no such thing as political murder. There is murder. There is no such things as causing explosions for political purposes and risking the lives of innocent men women and children. It is causing explosion, it is a crime, and they know that neither I, nor any member of my government will be moved on this. And we won through on that. And everyone knows it. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/104477 Radio Interview for BBC Radio 4 ''The World this Weekend'' (4 January 1981)] *For years there was a widespread belief that we could have inflation and a high level of employment at the same time. For years there was a belief that we could secure more jobs if we were prepared to put up with a little more inflation—always a little more, it was thought. The experience of the past 25 years has taught us on the Government Benches that those beliefs were a most damaging illusion. Inflation and unemployment, instead of moving in opposite directions, rose inexorably together. As Governments tried to stimulate employment by pumping money into the economy they caused inflation. The inflation led to higher costs. The higher costs meant loss of ability to compete. The few jobs that we had gained were soon lost; and so were a lot more with them. And then, from a higher level of unemployment and inflation, the process was started all over again, and each time round both inflation and unemployment rose. In Parliament after Parliament, each new Government had a higher average rate of inflation and unemployment than the preceding Government. '''It is that cycle that we have set out to break.''' **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/104561 Speech in the House of Commons (5 February 1981)] *The nation is but an enlarged family. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/104587 Speech at St Lawrence Jewry (4 March 1981)]. *Those terrorists will carry their determination to disrupt society to any lengths. Once again we have a hunger strike at the Maze Prison in the quest for what they call political status. There is no such thing as political murder, political bombing or political violence. There is only criminal murder, criminal bombing and criminal violence. We will not compromise on this. There will be no political status. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/104589 Speech in Belfast (5 March 1981)] *I am a great admirer of Professor Hayek. Some of his books are absolutely supreme—“[[The Constitution of Liberty]]” and the three volumes on “[[Law, Legislation and Liberty]]”—and would be well read by almost every hon. Member. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/104593 Speech in the House of Commons (10 March 1981)] *In the past our people have made sacrifices, only to find at the eleventh hour their government had lost its nerve and the sacrifice had been in vain. It shall not be in vain this time. This Conservative Government, not yet two years in office, will hold fast until the future of our country is assured...'''This is the road I am resolved to follow. This is the path I must go. I ask all who have the spirit—the bold, the steadfast and the young in heart—to stand and join with me as we go forward.''' **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/104604 Speech to Conservative Central Council (28 March 1981)] *There can be no question of political status for someone who is serving a sentence for crime. '''Crime is crime is crime. It is not political'''. To give concessions on political status would put many people in jeopardy. **Press conference in Saudi Arabia (21 April 1981), quoted in ''The Times'' (22 April 1981) p. 1, regarding the 1981 Irish hunger strike. [[File:Margaret Thatcher 1981.jpg|thumb|right|Economics are the method; the object is to change the heart and soul.]] * Economics are the method; the object is to change the heart and soul. ** [http://www.margaretthatcher.org/speeches/displaydocument.asp?docid=104475 Interview for ''The Sunday Times'' (1 May 1981)] *It is generally acknowledged that the Government are running, in the Maze prison, one of the most liberal and humane prison regimes anywhere...What hunger strikers are asking for—the one who died last was in fact a murderer; let us not mince our words—is political status by easy stages. They cannot have it. They are murderers and people who use force and violence to obtain their ends. They have made perfectly clear what they want. They cannot and will not have it. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/104649 Prime Minister's Questions (4 May 1981)] regarding the 1981 Irish hunger strike. *Every political debate these days contains a lot about economic policies. So much so that sometimes I think people get a little tired of hearing about them. Naturally there is a cry that Government must put people before economics. Who could disagree? That is the very reason why we in our Party have constantly fought Marxism and Communism. Fought Marxism because of —its compulsory society —its nationalisation of the means of production, distribution and exchange. —its attempt to snuff out individual conscience. —the absence of the great voluntary societies which are so much a part of our way of life. —its denial of freedom to choose —its elevation of the values of the State above those of religion. Its denial of the right to educate children outside the state system. —its extinction of private property because property rights support human rights. **[https://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/104653 Speech to Conservative Women’s Conference (20 May 1981)] *And never forget that the Marxist societies call themselves, and indeed are, the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics. Some of the aims of socialism, are the aims of a Marxist society, and they result in the subjugation of the rights of people to political theory. Because the Marxist system has become morally and materially bankrupt, citizens who live beneath its yoke see hope in our ideals. Ideals which limit the power of the State so that the varied talents and abilities of each person may flourish giving dignity and meaning to life. Ideals which respect the family, its loyalties, affections and responsibilities. Ideals where the rule of law is just and impartially administered. Those who live under the heel of Marxist tyranny look with envy at the very things we take for granted. They know that politics is about more than economics in a free society. So do we—we belong to the oldest and most enduring democratic Party in the world. ** [https://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/104653 Speech to Conservative Women’s Conference (20 May 1981)] *It would seem that dead hunger strikers, who have extinguished their own lives, are of more use to PIRA than living members. Such is their calculated cynicism. This Government is not prepared to legitimise their cause by word or by deed. And we should be clear what that cause is. It is a dictatorship by force and by fear in Northern Ireland, and in the Republic. These men deny democracy everywhere; they seek power for themselves. Some people argue that the Government could make the problem go away. We can of course maintain and improve an already humane prison regime. But there is no point in pretending that this is what the PIRA want. They have remained inflexible and intransigent in the face of all that we have done because what they want is special treatment, treatment different from that received by other prisoners. They want their violence justified. It isn't, and it will not be. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/104657 Speech at Stormont Castle (28 May 1981)] regarding the 1981 Irish hunger strike. *In this country over the last five years pay has doubled, whereas output has slightly fallen. That is totally different from the position with many of our competitors. Pay in those countries has gone up hand in hand with productivity. Consequently, they have the jobs and we have a larger proportion of the unemployment. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/104659 Prime Minister's Questions (2 June 1981)] * My policies are based not on some economics theory, but on things I and millions like me were brought up with: an honest day's work for an honest day's pay; live within your means; put by a nest egg for a rainy day; pay your bills on time; support the police. ** ''The News of the World'' (20 September 1981), quoted in Chris Ogden, ''Maggie: An Intimate Portrait of a Woman in Power'' (New York: Simon and Schuster, 1990), p. 342. * I count myself among those politicians who operate from conviction. For me, pragmatism is not enough. Nor is that fashionable word “consensus”. When I asked one of my Commonwealth colleagues at this Conference why he kept saying that there was a “consensus” on a certain matter, another replied in a flash “consensus is the word you use when you can't get agreement”! '''To me consensus seems to be—the process of abandoning all beliefs, principles, values and policies in search of something in which no-one believes, but to which no-one objects.'''—the process of avoiding the very issues that have to be solved, merely because you cannot get agreement on the way ahead. What great cause would have been fought and won under the banner “I stand for consensus”? **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/104712 Speech at Monash University (1981 Sir Robert Menzies Lecture) (6 October 1981)] *The principle that adequate health care should be provided for all, regardless of ability to pay, must be the foundation of any arrangements for financing the Health Service. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/104755 Prime Minister's Questions (1 December 1981)] * I am sure you will agree that, in Britain with our democratic institutions and the need for a high degree of consent, some of the measures adopted in Chile are quite unacceptable. Our reform must be in line with our traditions and our Constitution. At times the process may seem painfully slow. But I am certain we shall achieve our reforms in our own way and in our own time. Then they will endure. ** Letter from Margaret Thatcher to [[Friedrich Hayek]] (17 February 1982) *I must tell the House that the Falkland Islands and their dependencies remain British territory. No aggression and no invasion can alter that simple fact. It is the Government's objective to see that the islands are freed from occupation and are returned to British administration at the earliest possible moment...We cannot allow the democratic rights of the islanders to be denied by the territorial ambitions of Argentina. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/104910 Speech in the House of Commons (3 April 1982)] *The people of the Falkland Islands, like the people of the United Kingdom, are an island race. Their way of life is British; their allegiance is to the Crown. They are few in number, but they have the right to live in peace, to choose their own way of life and to determine their own allegiance. Their way of life is British; their allegiance is to the Crown. It is the wish of the British people and the duty of Her Majesty's Government to do everything that we can to uphold that right. That will be our hope and our endeavour and, I believe, the resolve of every Member of the House. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/104910 Speech in the House of Commons (3 April 1982)] *We have to recover those islands, we have to recover them for the people on them are British and British stock and they still owe allegiance to the Crown and want to be British. We have to do what is necessary to recover those islands...When you stop a dictator there are always risks but there are great risks in not stopping a dictator. My generation learned that a long time ago. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/104913 TV Interview for ITN (5 April 1982)] regarding the Falkland Islands *I am not talking about failure, I am talking about my supreme confidence in the British fleet...superlative ships, excellent equipment, the most highly trained professional group of men, the most honourable and brave members of Her Majesty's Service. '''Failure? Do you remember what Queen Victoria once said? “Failure—the possibilities do not exist”.''' That is the way we must look at it, with all our professionalism, all our flair and every single bit of native cunning, every single bit of professionalism and all our equipment and we must go out calmly, quietly, to succeed. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/104913 TV Interview for ITN (5 April 1982)] regarding the Falkland Islands * Just rejoice at that news and congratulate our forces and the marines. .. '''Rejoice'''. ** [http://www.margaretthatcher.org/speeches/displaydocument.asp?docid=104923 Remarks to the press in Downing Street (25 April 1982)] on announcing the liberation of South Georgia. *Difficult days lie ahead, but Britain will face them in the conviction that our cause is just and in the knowledge that we have been doing everything reasonable to secure a negotiated settlement. The principles that we are defending are fundamental to everything that this Parliament and this country stand for. They are the principles of democracy and the rule of law...Britain has a responsibility towards the islanders to restore their democratic way of life. She has a duty to the whole world to show that aggression will not succeed and to uphold the cause of freedom. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/104943 Speech in the House of Commons (20 May 1982)] *The fact is that the two major nuclear powers have not gone to war against each other—because, I believe, nuclear weapons are achieving their purpose as a deterrent that makes the prospect of war too horrific. It is noteworthy that, since the last world war, there have been 140 conventional wars, fought with ordinary weapons, which are themselves horrific, and that nuclear weapons have been a deterrent to war. I therefore believe that we should keep them. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/104968 Prime Minister's Questions (15 June 1982)] *The battle of the Falklands was a remarkable military operation, boldly planned, bravely executed, and brilliantly accomplished. We owe an enormous debt to the British forces and to the Merchant Marine. We honour them all. They have been supported by a people united in defence of our way of life and of our sovereign territory. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/104969 Speech in the House of Commons (15 June 1982)] *I do not believe that people who go on strike in this country have a legitimate cause. Throughout the period of the Labour Government and this one, I have never supported any strikes in this country. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/104972 Prime Minister's Questions (22 June 1982)] * We fought to show that aggression does not pay and that the robber cannot be allowed to get away with his swag. We fought with the support of so many throughout the world: the Security Council, the Commonwealth, the European Community, and the United States. Yet we also fought alone – for we fought for our own sovereign territory. ** [http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/104989 Speech to Conservative Rally at Cheltenham (3 July 1982)], regarding the Falkland Islands War. *When we started out, there were the waverers and the fainthearts. The people who thought that Britain could no longer seize the initiative for herself. The people who thought we could no longer do the great things which we once did. Those who believed that our decline was irreversible—that we could never again be what we were. There were those who would not admit it—even perhaps some here today—people who would have strenuously denied the suggestion but—in their heart of hearts—they too had their secret fears that it was true: that Britain was no longer the nation that had built an Empire and ruled a quarter of the world. Well they were wrong. The lesson of the Falklands is that Britain has not changed and that this nation still has those sterling qualities which shine through our history. This generation can match their fathers and grandfathers in ability, in courage, and in resolution. We have not changed. '''When the demands of war and the dangers to our own people call us to arms—then we British are as we have always been: competent, courageous and resolute'''. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/104989 Speech to Conservative Rally at Cheltenham (3 July 1982)], regarding the Falkland Islands War. *The battle of the South Atlantic was not won by ignoring the dangers or denying the risks. It was achieved by men and women who had no illusions about the difficulties. '''We faced them squarely and we were determined to overcome...What has indeed happened is that now once again Britain is not prepared to be pushed around. We have ceased to be a nation in retreat'''. We have instead a new-found confidence—born in the economic battles at home and tested and found true 8,000 miles away...we rejoice that Britain has re-kindled that spirit which has fired her for generations past and which today has begun to burn as brightly as before. Britain found herself again in the South Atlantic and will not look back from the victory she has won. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/104989 Speech to Conservative Rally at Cheltenham (3 July 1982)], regarding the Falkland Islands War. *The battle for women's rights has been largely won. The days when they were demanded and discussed in strident tones should be gone for ever. And I hope they are. I hated those strident tones that you still hear from some Women's Libbers'. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/105007 Speech on Women in a changing World (26 July 1982)] * The spirit of the South Atlantic was the spirit of Britain at her best. It has been said that we surprised the world, that British patriotism was rediscovered in those spring days. Mr. President, it was never really lost. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/105032 Speech to Conservative Party Conference (8 October 1982)] *Let me make one thing absolutely clear. '''The National Health Service is safe with us'''. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/105032 Speech to Conservative Party Conference (8 October 1982)] *The point of having nuclear weapons is to deter a war of any kind. They have succeeded in doing so for the past 37 years. To be an effective deterrent a potential aggressor must believe that under certain circumstances such weapons will be used. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/105246 Prime Minister's Questions (1 February 1983)] *Peace is not bought cheaply. It cannot be won without cost. The cost of Britain's defence is the price we pay to prevent war. The money for our armed services is truly our “peace tax”. What a cruel irony it is that the word “peace” has been hijacked by those who seek one-sided disarmament. It's ironic because if only one side disarms, the other is far more tempted to aggression. Unilateralism makes war more likely. '''We who believe in strong defence are the true peace party.''' **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/105252 Speech to Young Conservative Conference (12 February 1983)] * The right hon. Gentleman is afraid of an election is he? Oh, if I were going to cut and run I'd have gone after the Falklands. Afraid? Frightened? '''Frit'''? Couldn't take it? Couldn't stand it? Right now inflation is lower than it has been for thirteen years, a record the right hon. Gentleman couldn't begin to touch! ** [http://www.margaretthatcher.org/speeches/displaydocument.asp?docid=105294 Prime Minister's Questions (19 April 1983)]. The use of 'frit', an unusual Lincolnshire dialect abbreviation of 'frightened' which Mrs Thatcher evidently recalled from childhood, was missed by MPs in a noisy chamber but heard very distinctly on the audio feed from the chamber. * The choice facing the nation is between two totally different ways of life. And what a prize we have to fight for: no less than the chance to banish from our land the dark, divisive clouds of Marxist socialism and bring together men and women from all walks of life who share a belief in freedom. **Speech in Perth, Scotland (13 May 1983), quoted in ''New York Times'' (14 May 1983) "British Vote Campaign Gets Off to Angry Start" *Under a Labour Government, there's virtually nowhere you could put your savings where they would be safe from the state. They want your money for State Socialism, and they would mean to get it if they got in. Put your savings in the bank—and they'll nationalise it. Put your savings in a pension fund or a life assurance company—and a Labour Government would force them to invest the money in their own socialist schemes. Put your savings in your socks and they'd nationalise socks. **[https://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/105332 Speech in Cardiff (23 May 1983)] *I don't know by whom we might be threatened. What I do know is a government [''sic''] we have to be prepared for any eventuality, and I do know that possessions of those nuclear weapons has kept the peace between nuclear powers far better than the possession of conventional weapons did. You know when we only had conventional weapons Europe was at war again with 21–22 years. We have had 38 years peace and in another four or five years we will have the longest period of peace in Europe for centuries. That, to me, is the greatest prize of all, and...I'm prepared to allocate that expenditure to keep peace for the people for whom I'm responsible. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/105096 TV Interview for Granada TV (1 June 1983)] * Peace, freedom and justice are only to be found where people are prepared to defend them. **Speech to the Conservative Party Convention 1982 [https://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/105032] :Negus: Why do people stop us in the street almost and tell us that Margaret Thatcher isn't just inflexible, she's not just single-minded, on occasions she's plain pig-headed and won't be told by anybody? <br /> :Thatcher: Would you tell me who has stopped you in the street and said that?<br /> :Negus: Ordinary Britons...<br /> :Thatcher: Where?<br /> :Negus: In conversation, in pubs...<br /> :Thatcher (interrupting): I thought you'd just come from Belize<br /> :Negus: Oh this is not the first time we've been here.<br /> :Thatcher: Will you tell me who, and where and when?<br /> :Negus: Ordinary Britons in restaurants and cabs<br /> :Thatcher: How many?<br /> :Negus: ...in cabs<br /> :Thatcher: How many?<br /> :Negus: I would say at least one in two<br /> :Thatcher: Why won't you tell me their names and who they are?<br /> :*In an interview with George Negus for the Australian TV program 60 minutes [http://books.google.com.au/books?id=Kh6iGKS6Xo8C&pg=PA140&lpg=PA140&dq=why+do+people+stop+us+in+the+street+almost+and+tell+us+that+margaret+thatcher&source=bl&ots=ZPAKdEn6X0&sig=d2RhZAI7L65TeT17baaBp67OQSo&hl=en&ei=Jb2jSd2VI5Cw6wOcmPTTAg&sa=X&oi=book_result&resnum=1&ct=result] *What do you think of those two? **(She was holding out The Sun newspaper and was referring to 2 editorials on page 2. Page 3 of The Sun is known for having nude women on it.) Quoted in the first episode of the documentary Thatcher: The Downing Street Years. ===Second term as Prime Minister=== *Unfortunately in our education system youngsters are still not given sufficient encouragement to go into industry or commerce and not told that it is a good thing to make an honest profit. They should be told that if you don't make a profit, you won't be in business very long because you haven't anything to plow back for tomorrow. You make your profit by pleasing others so you have to make it honestly. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/105182 Interview for ''Director'' magazine (4 July 1983)], quoted in Chris Ogden, ''Maggie: An Intimate Portrait of a Woman in Power'' (New York: Simon and Schuster, 1990), p. 345. *If we do not keep alive the flame of freedom that flame will go out, and every noble ideal will die with it. It is not by force of weapons but by force of ideas that we seek to spread liberty to the world' s oppressed. It is not only ideals, but conscience that impels us to do so. Is there conscience in the Kremlin? Do they ever ask themselves what is the purpose of life? What is it all for? Does the way they handled the [[w:Korean Air Lines Flight 007|Korean airliner atrocity]] suggest that they ever considered such questions? No. Their creed is barren of conscience, immune to the promptings of good and evil. To them it is the system that counts, and all men must conform. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/105450 Speech at the Winston Churchill Foundation Award dinner (29 September 1983)] *Our people will never keep the Red Flag flying here. There is only one banner that Britain flies, the one that has kept flying for centuries—the red, white and blue. *Let us never forget this fundamental truth: the State has no source of money other than money which people earn themselves. If the State wishes to spend more it can do so only by borrowing your savings or by taxing you more. It is no good thinking that someone else will pay – that ‘someone else’ is you. '''There is no such thing as public money; there is only taxpayers’ money.''' ** [http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/105454 Speech to Conservative Party Conference (14 October 1983)] [[File:Premier Thatcher tijdens een persconferentie, Bestanddeelnr 932-7044.jpg|thumb|I came to office with one deliberate intent: to change Britain from a dependent to a self-reliant society – from a give-it-to-me, to a do-it-yourself nation. A get-up-and-go, instead of a sit-back-and-wait-for-it Britain.]] *I came to office with one deliberate intent: to change Britain from a dependent to a self-reliant society – from a give-it-to-me, to a do-it-yourself nation. A get-up-and-go, instead of a sit-back-and-wait-for-it Britain. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/speeches/displaydocument.asp?docid=105617 Speech to Small Business Bureau Conference (8 February 1984)] *I believe the police are upholding the law. They are not upholding the Government. This is not a dispute between miners and Government. This is a dispute between miners and miners. They have in their constitution the right to have a ballot. They have not been able to have a national ballot yet. Many of them have had local ballots. This is a dispute between miners and miners. It is some of the miners who are trying to stop other miners going to work. It is the police who are in charge of upholding the law...The police have been wonderful. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/105538 TV Interview for BBC1 ''Panorama'' (9 April 1984)] on the [[w:UK miners' strike (1984–85)|1984-1985 Miners' Strike]] *You saw the scenes that went on in television last night. I must tell you that what we have got is an attempt to substitute the rule of the mob for the rule of law, and it must not succeed. It must not succeed. There are those who are using violence and intimidation to impose their will on others who do not want it...Ladies and Gentlemen we need the support of everyone in this battle which goes to the very heart of our society. '''The rule of law must prevail over the rule of the mob'''. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/105691 Remarks] on [[w:Battle of Orgreave|Orgreave picketing]] (30 May 1984) *The United States has no socialist party, or no socialist party has been in power. That is the reason why it has always been the country of last resort for every currency. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/105505 Interview for ''The Times'' (31 May 1984)] *We had to fight the enemy without in the Falklands and now we have to fight the '''enemy within''', which is much more difficult but just as dangerous to liberty. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/105563 Speech to 1922 Committee (19 July 1984)], quoted in John Campbell, ''Margaret Thatcher. The Iron Lady'' (London: Jonathan Cape, 2003), p. 361. *The violence and intimidation we have seen should never have happened. It is the work of extremists. It is the '''enemy within'''. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/105565 TV Interview for BBC2 ''Newsnight'' (27 July 1984)] *The right hon. Gentleman [Neil Kinnock] leads a party which claims to support democracy but repudiates those miners who have voted democratically to remain at work and have done so in accordance with their union procedures. He leads a party which condemns violence in general but supports the mass picketing which inevitably ends in violence. He leads a party which has allied itself to the wreckers against the workers. The forces to which the right hon. Gentleman has lent his voice and support have no more love for parliamentary democracy than for the jobs and homes of those who oppose them. Sooner or later, when he has ceased to be of value to their purpose, they will turn on him, just as surely as they have turned on the police, on the steel workers, and on working miners and their families. There is only one word to describe the policy of the right hon. Gentleman when faced with threats, whether from home or abroad, and that word is appeasement. He will live to regret it. It is no policy for Britain. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/105732 Speech in the House of Commons (31 July 1984)] on the Labour Party and the Miners' Strike *The [[w:Brighton hotel bombing|bomb attack on the Grand Hotel]] early this morning was first and foremost an inhuman, undiscriminating attempt to massacre innocent unsuspecting men and women staying in Brighton for our Conservative Conference...But the bomb attack clearly signified more than this. It was an attempt not only to disrupt and terminate our Conference; It was an attempt to cripple Her Majesty's democratically-elected Government. That is the scale of the outrage in which we have all shared, and the fact that we are gathered here now—shocked, but composed and determined—is a sign not only that this attack has failed, but that all attempts to destroy democracy by terrorism will fail. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/105763 Speech to Conservative Party Conference (12 October 1984)] *We heard moving accounts from two working miners about just what they have to face as they try to make their way to work. The sheer bravery of those men and thousands like them who kept the mining industry alive is beyond praise. “[[w:Strikebreaker|Scabs]]” their former workmates call them. Scabs? They are lions! **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/105763 Speech to Conservative Party Conference (12 October 1984)] *In the Conservative Party, we have no truck with outmoded Marxist doctrine about class warfare. '''For us, it is not who you are, who your family is or where you come from that matters. It is what you are and what you can do for our country that counts.''' That is our vision. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/105763 Speech to Conservative Party Conference (12 October 1984)] *No-one in their senses wants nuclear weapons for their own sake, but equally, no responsible prime minister could take the colossal gamble of giving up our nuclear defences while our greatest potential enemy kept their's. Policies which would throw out all American nuclear bases...would wreck NATO and leave us totally isolated from our friends in the United States, and friends they are. No nation in history has ever shouldered a greater burden nor shouldered it more willingly nor more generously than the United States. This Party is pro-American. And we must constantly remind people what the defence policy of the [Labour] Party would mean. Their idea that by giving up our nuclear deterrent, we could somehow escape the result of a nuclear war elsewhere is nonsense, and it is a delusion to assume that conventional weapons are sufficient defence against nuclear attack. And do not let anyone slip into the habit of thinking that conventional war in Europe is some kind of comfortable option. With a huge array of modern weapons held by the Soviet Union, including chemical weapons in large quantities, it would be a cruel and terrible conflict. The truth is that possession of the nuclear deterrent has prevented not only nuclear war but also conventional war and to us, peace is precious beyond price. '''We are the true peace party.''' **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/105763 Speech to Conservative Party Conference (12 October 1984)] *It was a lovely morning. We have not had many lovely days. And the sun was just coming through the stained glass windows and falling on some flowers right across the church and it just occurred to me that '''this was the day I was meant not to see'''. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/speeches/displaydocument.asp?docid=105764 TV Interview for Channel 4 ''A plus 4'' (15 October 1984)], referring to the Brighton bombing in which the IRA attempted to assassinate her. *I personally have always voted for the death penalty because I believe that people who go out prepared to take the lives of other people forfeit their own right to live. I believe that that death penalty should be used only very rarely, but I believe that no-one should go out certain that no matter how cruel, how vicious, how hideous their murder, they themselves will not suffer the death penalty. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/speeches/displaydocument.asp?docid=105764 TV Interview for Channel 4 ''A plus 4'' (15 October 1984)] *We suffered a tragedy not one of us could have thought would happen in our country. And we picked ourselves up and sorted ourselves out as all good British people do, and I thought, let us stand together for we are British! They were trying to destroy the fundamental freedom that is the birth-right of every British citizen, freedom, justice and democracy. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/105769 Speech to Finchley Conservatives (20 October 1984)] on the Brighton bombing *I have made it quite clear – and so did Mr Prior when he was Secretary of State for Northern Ireland – that a unified Ireland was one solution. '''That is out.''' A second solution was confederation of two states. '''That is out.''' A third solution was joint authority. '''That is out.''' That is a derogation from sovereignty. **[http://cain.ulst.ac.uk/issues/politics/docs/pmo/mt191184.htm Press conference after an Anglo-Irish summit (19 November 1984)]. "Mr Prior" is [[w:en:James Prior, Baron Prior|James Prior]]. *At one end of the spectrum are the terrorist gangs within our borders, and the terrorist states which finance and arm them. At the other are the Hard Left operating inside our system, conspiring to use union power and the apparatus of local government to break, defy and subvert the law. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/speeches/displaydocument.asp?docid=105799 The Second Carlton Lecture (26 November 1984)] *Oh, but you know, you do not achieve anything without trouble, ever. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/105803 TV Interview for ITV (30 November 1984)] [[File:Margaret Thatcher 1984.tif|thumb|I like [[w:Mikhail Gorbachev|Mr. Gorbachev]]. We can do business together.]] *I like [[w:Mikhail Gorbachev|Mr. Gorbachev]]. We can do business together. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/speeches/displaydocument.asp?docid=105592 TV Interview for BBC (17 December 1984)] *You never compromise with violence. You never compromise with intimidation. You never compromise by those who want to use those to extinguish freedom and democracy, because if you do then the very things for which you stand are extinguished. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/105955 TV Interview for Channel 4 ''A Week in Politics'' (1 February 1985)] *If they do not wish to confer the honour, I am the last person who would wish to receive it. **Remarks after Oxford University voted not to award her an honorary degree. ''Mail on Sunday'' (3 February 1985), quoted in John Campbell, ''Margaret Thatcher. The Iron Lady'' (London: Jonathan Cape, 2003), p. 399. *I'm the world's greatest fan of your President [Ronald Reagan], as you know. I think he's done terrific things and I think that in his recent speech, the keynote that he struck, that America is a confident leader of the free world, is the right one and I'm absolutely delighted at the way in which confidence had returned to the United States. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/105836 Interview for ''Business Week'' Magazine (11 February 1985)]. *I support very much the approaches that the President [Ronald Reagan] is taking. As you know, I am his greatest fan! **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/105964 TV Interview for CBS ''60 Minutes'' (15 February 1985)] *We had to make certain that violence and intimidation and impossible demands could not win. There would have been neither freedom nor order in Britain if we had given in to violence. There would have been no hope for any prosperous industry if people had gone on strike, really, for bigger and bigger subsidies from the tax-payers, because in the end it is the tax-payers who pay these subsidies. So that is over. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/105982 Remarks on the end of the miners' strike (3 March 1985)] *We must try to find ways to starve the terrorist and the hijacker of the '''oxygen of publicity''' on which they depend. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/speeches/displaydocument.asp?docid=106096 Speech to the American Bar Association (15 July 1985)]. **See [[Linda Smith]] for an amusing variant. *Don't you think that's the way to persuade more companies to come to this region and get more jobs&mdash;because I want them&mdash;for the people who are unemployed. Not always standing there as '''moaning minnies'''. Now stop it! **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/speeches/displaydocument.asp?docid=106127 Remarks to Tyne Tees TV (11 September 1985)] *All my upbringing was to instill into both my sister and I a fantastic sense of duty, a great sense of whatever you do you are personally responsible for it. '''You do not blame society. Society is not anyone.''' You are personally responsible and just remember that you live among a whole lot of people and you must do things for them, and you must make up your own mind. That was very very strong, very strong. I remember my father sometimes saying to me if I said: “Oh so and so is doing something; can't I do it too?” You know, children do not like to be different. “You make up your own mind what you are going to do, never because someone else is doing it!” and he was always very stern about that. It stood one in good stead. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/105830 TV Interview for Yorkshire Television ''Woman to Woman'' (2 October 1985)] *Home really was very small and we had no mod cons and I remember having a dream that the one thing I really wanted was to live in a nice house, you know, a house with more things than we had...We had not got hot water. We only had a cold water tap. We had to heat all the hot water in a copper. There was an outside toilet. So when people tell me about these things, I know about them. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/105830 TV Interview for Yorkshire Television ''Woman to Woman'' (2 October 1985)] *We will not reflate...Past governments have tried that. Past governments have deliberately created inflation in the hope of reducing unemployment. It always finished up with worse inflation and worse unemployment. Mr President, '''You can't build a secure future on dishonest money.''' And there is a fundamental truth, from which no government can escape. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/106145 Speech to Conservative Party Conference (11 October 1985)] *Those who want the country to have a strong and sure defence can't rely on the Labour Party, the SDP or the Liberals. They ''can'' rely on us. By the end of this century it is predicted that several more countries will have acquired nuclear weapons. Labour wants Britain to give them up. At the very time when any sensible person would be renewing his insurance cover, Labour wants to cancel Britain's policy altogether. Moreover, they want to get rid of American bases from Britain and all nuclear weapons from British soil. Does anyone who has witnessed Mr. Gorbachev's performance thinks that he respects weakness? No. Mr. President, it is recognition of the West's strength and cohesion that has brought the Soviet Union back to the negotiating table. Our wish is to see substantial reductions in nuclear weapons, provided they are balanced and verifiable. I know that will be President Reagan's objective at his meeting with Mr Gorbachev, and he has our full support and good wishes as he goes to Geneva. The West could not have a better or a braver champion. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/106145 Speech to Conservative Party Conference (11 October 1985)] *I detest apartheid. I couldn't stand being excluded or discriminated against because of the colour of my own skin. And if you can't stand a colour bar against yourself, you can't stand it against anyone else. Apartheid is wrong and it must go. **[https://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/106168 Speech at Lord Mayor’s Banquet] (11 November 1985) *It is traditional conservatism...It is radical, because at the time when I took over we needed to be radical. I would not call it populist. I may say many of the things that I have said strike a chord in the hearts of ordinary people. Why? Because they are British. Because their character is independent. They do not like to be shoved around. Because they are prepared to take responsibility. Because they do expect to be loyal to their friends and loyal allies. You call it populist. I say it strikes a chord in the hearts of people. I know, because it struck a chord in my heart many many years ago. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/105934 Radio Interview for BBC Radio 3 (17 December 1985)] *I find that the conservatism which I follow does have some things in common with what Professor Hayek was preaching and also has some things in common with what you called old-fashioned Liberals. Let me just quote one, to whom I am devoted, [[John Stuart Mill]] on liberty. “A nation that dwarfs its citizens will find that with small men it can accomplish no great thing.” Is that not what I have been saying? Yes, it is partly perhaps old-fashioned liberalism...my pride that it has something in common with that...but that also has something in common with my belief that really nations are there to try to help people to bring out the best talents and abilities and initiatives in themselves and that, I think, is conserving the best in human nature and trying to change the rest, but trying to change it through the character of men and women. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/105934 Radio Interview for BBC Radio 3 (17 December 1985)] *I believe in the British lion and I believe that the British character is lion-hearted, and I believe that it has not been lion-hearted in some of the post-War period, and I want it to get back to being lion hearted. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/105934 Radio Interview for BBC Radio 3 (17 December 1985)] *I'm absolutely amazed when some people say I am either hard or uncaring, because it's so utterly untrue. I can't say it because, if you say you are caring, it's like saying, ‘I'm a very modest person.’ Nobody believes you. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/106219 Interview for ''Daily Express'' (19 February 1986)] *Let me say this, if you want someone weak you don't want me, there are plenty of others to choose from. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/106220 Radio Interview for BBC Radio 2 ''Jimmy Young Programme'' (26 February 1986)] * In my work, you get used to criticisms. Of course you do, because there are a lot of people trying to get you down, but I always cheer up immensely if one is particularly wounding because I think well, if they attack one personally, it means they have not a single political argument left. That is why my father always taught me: never worry about anyone who attacks you personally; it means their arguments carry no weight and they know it. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/106223 From an interview for Italian television (RAI) (10 March 1986)] *Seven years ago, who would have dared forecast such a transformation of Britain. '''This didn't come about because of consensus. It happened because we said: this we believe, this we will do. It's called leadership.''' **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/speeches/displaydocument.asp?docid=106348 Speech to Conservative Central Council (15 March 1986)] *'''Conservatism is not some abstract theory. It's a crusade to put power in the hands of ordinary people.''' And a very popular crusade it is proving. Tenants are jumping at the opportunity to buy their own council houses. Workers are jumping at the opportunity to buy shares in their own privatised companies. Trade unionists are jumping at the opportunity, which the ballot box now gives them, to decide “who rules” in their union. And the rest of Britain is looking on with approval. For popular capitalism is biting deep. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/speeches/displaydocument.asp?docid=106348 Speech to Conservative Central Council (15 March 1986)] [[File:President Reagan and Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher at Camp David 1986.jpg|thumb|right|Socialists cry "Power to the people", and raise the clenched fist as they say it. We all know what they really mean—power over people, power to the State.]] *Popular capitalism, which is the economic expression of liberty, is proving a much more attractive means for diffusing power in our society. '''Socialists cry "Power to the people", and raise the clenched fist as they say it. We all know what they really mean&mdash;power over people, power to the State.''' To us Conservatives, popular capitalism means what it says: power through ownership to the man and woman in the street, given confidently with an open hand. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/speeches/displaydocument.asp?docid=106348 Speech to Conservative Central Council (15 March 1986)] *Because you see, it is not as if you are judged wholly on what you say. You are up against people who deliberately set out to twist what you say to make it mean other things, and that I am afraid is part of the job, part of the world in which one lives.” **[https://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/106228 Interview for Parade magazine (17 April 1986)] *You will quite often hear people say: “Well look, she is the best man in politics,” and I say: “Oh no, much better than that; she is the best woman.” **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/106426 TV Interview for Central TV (18 June 1986)] *From France to the Philippines, from Jamaica to Japan, from Malaysia to Mexico, from Sri Lanka to Singapore, privatisation is on the move...The policies we have pioneered are catching on in country after country. We Conservatives believe in popular capitalism&mdash;believe in a property-owning democracy. And it works! … The great political reform of the last century was to enable more and more people to have a vote. Now the great Tory reform of this century is to enable more and more people to own property. Popular capitalism is nothing less than a crusade to enfranchise the many in the economic life of the nation. We Conservatives are returning power to the people. That is the way to one nation, one people. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/speeches/displaydocument.asp?docid=106498 Conservative Party Conference (10 October 1986)] *In a decision of the utmost gravity, Labour voted to give up Britain's independent nuclear deterrent unilaterally. Labour's defence policy&mdash;though "defence" is scarcely the word&mdash;is an absolute break with the defence policy of every British Government since the Second World War. Let there be no doubt about the gravity of that decision. You cannot be a loyal member of NATO while disavowing its fundamental strategy. A Labour Britain would be a neutralist Britain. It would be the greatest gain for the Soviet Union in forty years. And they would have got it without firing a shot. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/speeches/displaydocument.asp?docid=106498 Conservative Party Conference (10 October 1986)] *The [Labour] moderates split off and that split of the moderates delayed the realignment of British politics for at least one generation and possibly two, because as a conservative passionately believing in freedom under the law and believing that socialism cannot stand for that, the realignment - you hear me say my job is to stay in long enough so that everyone knows that socialism and the British character do not mix, so socialism has got to go - is to get the fundamental realignment which I think is in keeping with the British character, which is two parties, a free enterprise party, because if you have political freedom under the rule of law you have got to have economic freedom as well. It is to bring about that can only be done really by eventually the Labour Party splitting off the Left and rejecting the [[w:Clause IV|Clause 4]] and the command economy, and then we really should get a realignment. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/106595 Interview for ''The Standard'' (13 March 1987)] *It has been my strategy, believing passionately as I do in what we stand for, to take a different direction, to make people see that was the better direction; for us to stay in power long enough to make the Labour Party realise that their policies will never be re-elected and they must do a fundamental reappraisal of their policies and start two generations later what [[w:Hugh Gaitskell|Gaitskell]] wanted to do but failed...I myself do not think one more push will be quite enough...I think you are likely to have it much more up nearer towards the year 2000, then you will have the fundamental realignment that should have been brought about half a century before. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/106595 Interview for ''The Standard'' (13 March 1987)] * A world without nuclear weapons may be a dream but you cannot base a sure defence on dreams. Without far greater trust and confidence between East and West than exists at present, a world without nuclear weapons would be less stable and more dangerous for all of us. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/speeches/displaydocument.asp?docid=106776 Speech at a Soviet Official banquet], St George's Halls, the Kremlin (30 March 1987) [[File:George H. W. Bush and Margaret Thatcher (cropped).jpg|thumb|I hope to go on and on.]] *I hope to go on and on. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/106615 TV Interview for BBC (11 May 1987)] *I, along with something like 5 million other people, insure to enable me to go into hospital on the day I want; at the time I want, and with a doctor I want. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/speeches/displaydocument.asp?docid=106866 Answering questions at a general election news conference (4 June 1987)]. Mrs Thatcher had been asked if she trusted the Health Service enough to put herself in its hands, a reference to her use of private health insurance. *The greatest division this nation has ever seen were the conflicts of trade unions towards the end of a Labour Government...That trade union movement...used their power against their members. They made them come out on strike when they didn't want to. They loved secondary picketing. They went and demonstrated outside companies where there was no dispute whatsoever, and sometimes closed them down. They were acting as they were later in the coal strike, before my whole trade union laws were through of this Government. They were out to use their power to hold the nation to ransom, to stop power from getting to the whole of manufacturing industry to damage people's jobs, to stop power from getting to every house in the country, power, heat and light to every housewife, every child, every school, every pensioner. You want division; you want conflict; you want hatred. There it was. It was that which Thatcherism—if you call it that—tried to stop. Not by arrogance, but by giving power to the ordinary, decent, honourable, trade union member who didn’t want to go on strike. By giving power to him over the Scargills of this world. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/106647 TV Interview for BBC1 ''Panorama'' (8 June 1987)] *I believe passionately that people have a right, by their own efforts, to benefit their own families, so we have taken down taxation. '''It doesn't matter to me who you are or what your background is. If you want to use your own efforts to work harder—yes, I am with you all the way''', whether it is unskilled effort or whether it is skilled, we have taken the income tax down. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/106647 TV Interview for BBC1 ''Panorama'' (8 June 1987)] ===Third term as Prime Minister=== *(The [[w:Community Charge|Community Charge]] is) the flagship of the Thatcher fleet. **David Butler, Andrew Adonis and Tony Travers, "Failure in British government: the politics of the poll tax" (Oxford University Press, Oxford, 1994) **Remarks to Conservative backbench MPs, July 1987 *Children who need to be taught to respect traditional moral values are being taught that they have an inalienable right to be gay. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/speeches/displaydocument.asp?docid=106941 Speech to Conservative Party Conference (9 October 1987)] * I think we have gone through a period when too many children and people have been given to understand "I have a problem, it is the Government's job to cope with it!" or "I have a problem, I will go and get a grant to cope with it!" "I am homeless, the Government must house me!" and so they are casting their problems on society and who is society? There is no such thing! There are individual men and women and there are families and no government can do anything except through people and people look to themselves first. It is our duty to look after ourselves and then also to help look after our neighbour and life is a reciprocal business and people have got the entitlements too much in mind without the obligations. *'''There is no such thing as society.''' There is living tapestry of men and women and people and the beauty of that tapestry and the quality of our lives will depend upon how much each of us is prepared to take responsibility for ourselves and each of us prepared to turn round and help by our own efforts those who are unfortunate. * All too often the ills of this country are passed off as those of society. Similarly, when action is required, society is called upon to act. But society as such does not exist except as a concept. Society is made up of people. It is people who have duties and beliefs and resolve. It is people who get things done. She prefers to think in terms of the acts of individuals and families as the real sinews of society rather than of society as an abstract concept. Her approach to society reflects her fundamental belief in personal responsibility and choice. To leave things to ‘society’ is to run away from the real decisions, practical responsibility and effective action. ** Interview 23 September 1987, as quoted in by Douglas Keay, ''[[w:Woman's Own|Woman's Own]]'', 31 October 1987, pp. 8–10. A [http://www.margaretthatcher.org/speeches/displaydocument.asp?docid=106689 transcript of the interview] at the Margaret Thatcher Foundation website differs in several particulars, but not in substance. The magazine transposed the statement in bold, often quoted out of context, from a later portion of Thatcher's remarks: *When the [[w:African National Congress|ANC]] says that they will target British companies, this shows what a typical terrorist organisation it is. I fought terrorism all my life and if more people fought it, and we were all more successful, we should not have it and I hope that everyone in this hall will think it is right to go on fighting terrorism. They will if they believe in democracy. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/106948 Press Conference (17 October 1987)], in answer to Alan Merrydew of BCTV News who asked what her response was "to a reported ANC statement that they will target British firms in South Africa?" *There is no way in which one can buck the market. **[https://api.parliament.uk/historic-hansard/commons/1988/mar/10/engagements#S6CV0129P0_19880310_HOC_156 Prime Ministers' Questions (10 March 1988)] *The freedom of peoples depends fundamentally on the rule of law, a fair legal system. The place to have trials or accusations is a court of law, the Common Law that has come right up from Magna Carta, which has come right up through the British courts – a court of law is the place where you deal with these matters. If you ever get '''trial by television''' or guilt by accusation, that day freedom dies because you have not had it done with all of the careful rules that have developed in a court of law. Press and television rely on freedom. Those who rely on freedom must uphold the rule of law and have a duty and a responsibility to do so and not try to substitute their own system for it. **Criticising the Thames Television programme "Death on the Rock", in an [http://www.margaretthatcher.org/speeches/displaydocument.asp?docid=107058 interview with Hatsuhisa Takashima of NHK Japanese television (29 April 1988)] *I can't help reflecting that it's taken a Government headed by a housewife with experience of running a family to balance the books for the first time in twenty years—with a little left over for a rainy day. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/107248 Speech to Conservative Women's Conference (25 May 1988)] *We support the right of women to choose our own lives for ourselves. If women wish to be lawyers, doctors, engineers, scientists, politicians, we should have the same opportunities as men, more and more we do...But many women wish to devote themselves mainly to raising a family and running a home. And we should have that choice too. Very few jobs can compare in long-term importance and satisfaction with that of housewife and mother. For the family is the building block of society. It is a nursery, a school, a hospital, a leisure place, a place of refuge and a place of rest. It encompasses the whole of society. It fashions our beliefs. It is the preparation for the rest of our life. And women run it. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/107248 Speech to Conservative Women's Conference (25 May 1988)] [[File:Margaret Thatcher Nancy Reagan with husbands behind.jpg|thumb|We have not successfully rolled back the frontiers of the state in Britain, only to see them re-imposed at a European level with a European super-state exercising a new dominance from Brussels.]] *Mr. Chairman, you have invited me to speak on the subject of Britain and Europe. Perhaps I should congratulate you on your courage. If you believe some of the things said and written about my views on Europe, it must seem rather like inviting Genghis Khan to speak on the virtues of peaceful coexistence! ...The European Community is ''one'' manifestation of that European identity, but it is not the only one. We must never forget that east of the Iron Curtain, peoples who once enjoyed a full share of European culture, freedom and identity have been cut off from their roots. We shall always look on Warsaw, Prague and Budapest as great European cities...To try to suppress nationhood and concentrate power at the centre of a European conglomerate would be highly damaging and would jeopardise the objectives we seek to achieve. Europe will be stronger precisely because it has France as France, Spain as Spain, Britain as Britain, each with its own customs, traditions and identity. It would be folly to try to fit them into some sort of identikit European personality...it is ironic that just when those countries such as the Soviet Union, which have tried to run everything from the centre, are learning that success depends on dispersing power and decisions away from the centre, there are some in the Community who seem to want to move in the opposite direction. '''We have not successfully rolled back the frontiers of the state in Britain, only to see them re-imposed at a European level with a European super-state exercising a new dominance from Brussels'''. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/speeches/displaydocument.asp?docid=107332 The Bruges Speech (20 September 1988)] *For generations, we have assumed that the efforts of mankind would leave the fundamental equilibrium of the world's systems and atmosphere stable. But it is possible that with all these enormous changes (population, agricultural, use of fossil fuels) concentrated into such a short period of time, we have unwittingly begun a massive experiment with the system of this planet itself...the increase in the greenhouse gases...has led some to fear that we are creating a global heat trap which could lead to climatic instability. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/107346 Speech to the Royal Society (27 September 1988)] *The Government espouses the concept of sustainable economic development. Stable prosperity can be achieved throughout the world provided the environment is nutured and safeguarded. Protecting this balance of nature is therefore one of the great challenges of the late Twentieth Century. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/107346 Speech to the Royal Society (27 September 1988)] *A man may climb Everest for himself, but at the summit he plants his country's flag. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/speeches/displaydocument.asp?docid=107352 Speech to Conservative Party Conference (14 October 1988)] *There is nothing new or unusual about the Tory commitment to protect the environment. The last thing we want is to leave environmental debts for our children to clear up...It's we Conservatives who are not merely friends of the Earth—we are its guardians and trustees for generations to come. The core of Tory philosophy and for the case for protecting the environment are the same. No generation has a freehold on this earth. All we have is a life tenancy—with a full repairing lease. This Government intends to meet the terms of that lease in full. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/107352 Speech to Conservative Party Conference (14 October 1988)] *In this country and in other democracies, the enemies of civilisation and freedom have turned to the gun and the bomb to destroy those they can't persuade. The terrorist threat to freedom is worldwide. It can never be met by appeasement. Give in to the terrorist and you breed more terrorism. At home and abroad our message is the same. We will not bargain, nor compromise, nor bend the knee to terrorists. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/speeches/displaydocument.asp?docid=107352 Speech to Conservative Party Conference (14 October 1988)] *In our United Kingdom, the main terrorist threat has come from the IRA. Their minds twisted by hatred and fanaticism, they have tried to bomb and murder their way to their objective of tearing more than a million citizens out of the United Kingdom. The truth is that the whole IRA campaign is based on crushing democracy and smashing anyone who doesn't agree with them. To all those who have suffered so much at their hands—to the Northern Ireland policemen and prison officers and their families, to the soldiers, the judges, the civil servants and their families—we offer our deepest admiration and thanks for defending democracy and for facing danger while keeping within the rule of law—unlike the terrorist who skulks in the shadows and shoots to kill...we will never give up the search for more effective ways of defeating the IRA. If the IRA think they can weary us or frighten us, they have made a terrible miscalculation. People sometimes say that it is wrong to use the word never in politics, I disagree, some things are of such fundamental importance that no other word is appropriate. So I say once again today that this Government will never surrender to the IRA. Never. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/speeches/displaydocument.asp?docid=107352 Speech to Conservative Party Conference (14 October 1988)] *Marxism has had it. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/107390 Press Conference for ''Washington Post'' and ''Newsweek'' (17 November 1988)] *I think male Prime Ministers one day will come back into fashion! **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/107022 TV Interview for TV-AM (30 December 1988)] *We have become a grandmother. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/speeches/displaydocument.asp?docid=107590 Statement to the press on the birth of her first grandchild (3 March 1989)] *The [[w:Delors Report|Delors report]] is aimed at a federal Europe, a common currency and a common economic policy, which would take many economic policies, including fiscal policy, out of the hands of the House, and that is completely unacceptable. It would also require a treaty amendment, which we do not believe would ever be passed by the House because of the lack of sovereignty that it would imply. **[https://api.parliament.uk/historic-hansard/commons/1989/apr/27/engagements#S6CV0151P0_19890427_HOC_126 Prime Ministers' Questions (27 April 1989)] * You know, if you just set out to be liked, you would be prepared to compromise on anything, wouldn't you, at any time? And you would achieve nothing! ** [http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/107427 Interview for Press Association (3 May 1989)] * Human rights did not begin with the French Revolution...[they] really stem from a mixture of Judaism and Christianity...[we English] had 1688, our quiet revolution, where Parliament exerted its will over the King...it was not the sort of Revolution that France's was...'Liberty, equality, fraternity' – they forgot obligations and duties I think. And then of course the fraternity went missing for a long time. **On the [[w:French Revolution|French Revolution]]; quoted in '"Les droits de l'homme n'ont pas commencé en France," nous déclare Mme Thatcher', ''Le Monde'' (13 July 1989) *The [[w:Poll tax (Great Britain)|community charge]] is a way of asking people to pay for what they vote for, and when they do, they will vote against Labour authorities. **[https://api.parliament.uk/historic-hansard/commons/1989/jul/20/engagements-1#column_517 Prime Ministers' Questions (20 July 1989)] * We do not want a united Germany. This would lead to a change to postwar borders, and we cannot allow that because such a development would undermine the stability of the whole international situation and could endanger our security. ** Talking to [[w:Mikhail Gorbachev|Mikhail Gorbachev]] at a [https://web.archive.org/web/20170524105058/http://www.thehindu.com/todays-paper/tp-opinion/How-Margaret-Thatcher-pleaded-with-Gorbachev-not-to-let-the-Berlin-Wall-fall-out-of-london/article16514846.ece luncheon meeting in Moscow in September 1989] *1989 will be remembered for decades to come as the year when half the people of half our continent began to throw off their chains. The messages on our banners in 1979—freedom, opportunity, family, enterprise, ownership—are now inscribed on the banners in Leipzig, Warsaw, Budapest and even Moscow...In 1979, we knew that we were starting a British revolution; in fact, we were the pioneers of a world revolution. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/107789 Speech to Conservative Party Conference (13 October 1989)] *Imagine a Labour canvasser talking on the doorstep to those East German families when they settle in, on freedom's side of the wall. "You want to keep more of the money you earn? I'm afraid that's very selfish. We shall want to tax that away. You want to own shares in your firm? We can't have that. The state has to own your firm. You want to choose where to send your children to school? That's very divisive. You'll send your child where we tell you." Mr President, the trouble with Labour is that they're just not at home with freedom. '''Socialists don't like ordinary people choosing, for they might not choose Socialism.''' **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/speeches/displaydocument.asp?docid=107789 Speech to Conservative Party Conference (13 October 1989)] *Advisers advise, Ministers decide! **[https://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/107800 TV Interview for TV-AM (Kuala Lumpur Commonwealth Summit) (24 October 1989)] *I think it is a great day for freedom. I watched the scenes on television last night and again this morning because I felt one ought not only hear about them but see them because you see the joy on people's faces and you see what freedom means to them; it makes you realise that you cannot stifle or suppress people's desire for liberty and so I watched with the same joy as everyone else and I hope that they will be a prelude to the Berlin Wall coming down. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/107819 Remarks on the Berlin Wall (10 November 1989)] * We've beaten the Germans twice and now they're back! ** She reportedly said on [[w:German reunification|Germany's reunification]], during EC-summit in December 1989, according to [[w:Helmut Kohl|Chancellor Helmut Kohl]] in his memoirs ''"Erinnerungen 1982-1990"'' published in 2005; as reported in [http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/main.jhtml?xml=/news/2005/11/03/wkohl03.xml&sSheet=/news/2005/11/03/ixworld.html "Thatcher's foot stamping fury, by Kohl" ''The Telegraph'' (3 November 2005)] *Socialism is a creed of the state. It regards ordinary human beings as the raw material for its schemes of social change. But we put our faith in people—in the millions of people who spend what they earn—not what other people earn. Who make sacrifices for their young family or their elderly parents. Who help their neighbours and take care of their neighbourhoods. The sort of people I grew up with. These are the people whom I became Leader of this Party to defend. **[https://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/108051 Speech to the Conservative Central Council in Cheltenham (31 March 1990)] *I have fought three elections against the BBC and I don't want to fight another election against it. **Remarks to Woodrow Wyatt on the [[w:Broadcasting Act 1990|Broadcasting Bill]] (11 June 1990), quoted in Sarah Curtis (ed.), ''The Journals of Woodrow Wyatt: Volume Two'' (Pan, 2000), p. 308 *I believe that the royal family are a focus of patriotism, of loyalty, of affection and of esteem. That is a rare combination, and we should value it highly. ** [http://www.margaretthatcher.org/speeches/displaydocument.asp?docid=108162 Speech in the House of Commons (24 July 1990)] *Iraq has violated and taken over the territory of a country which is a full member of the United Nations. That is totally unacceptable and if it were allowed to endure then there would be many other small countries that could never feel safe...The fundamental question is this: whether the nations of the world have the collective will effectively to see that Security Council Resolution is upheld, whether they have the collective will effectively to do anything which the Security Council further agrees to see that Iraq withdraws and that the government of Kuwait is restored to Kuwait. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/108170 Joint Press Conference with President Bush (2 August 1990)] * Today we are coming to realise that an epoch in history is over...For more than forty years that Iron Curtain remained in place. Few of us expected to see it lifted in our life-time. Yet with great suddenness the impossible has happened. Communism is broken, utterly broken...We do not see this new Soviet Union as an enemy, but as a country groping its way towards freedom. We no longer have to view the world through a prism of East-West relations. '''The Cold War is over.''' **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/108174 Speech to the Aspen Institute ("Shaping a New Global Community") (5 August 1990)] *Iraq's invasion of Kuwait defies every principle for which the United Nations stands. If we let it succeed, no small country can ever feel safe again. The law of the jungle would take over from the rule of law. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/108174 Speech to the Aspen Institute ("Shaping a New Global Community") (5 August 1990)] * I seem to smell the stench of appeasement in the air—the rather nauseating stench of appeasement. ** [http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/108234] On a parliament debate about the Gulf War *The toppling of the Berlin Wall. The overthrow of Ceausescu by the people he had so brutally oppressed. The first free elections in Eastern Europe for a generation. The spread of the ideas of market freedom and independence to the very heart of the Soviet Leviathan...'''Our friends from Eastern Europe reminded us that no force of arms, no walls, no barbed wire can for ever suppress the longing of the human heart for liberty and independence.''' Their courage found allies. Their victory came about because for forty long, cold years the West stood firm against the military threat from the East. Free enterprise overwhelmed Socialism. This Government stood firm against all those voices raised at home in favour of appeasement. We were criticised for intransigence. Tempted repeatedly with soft options. And reviled for standing firm against Soviet military threats. When will they learn? When will they ever learn? **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/108217 Speech to Conservative Party Conference (12 October 1990)] *Now again in the sands of the Middle East, principle is at stake. Mr President, dictators can be deterred, they can be crushed—but they can never be appeased. These things are not abstractions. What changed the world and what will save the world were principle and resolve. '''Our principles: freedom, independence, responsibility, choice—these and the democracy built upon them are Britain's special legacy to the world.''' And everywhere those who love liberty look to Britain. When they speak of parliaments they look to Westminster. When they speak of justice they look to our common law. And when they seek to regenerate their economies, they look to the transformation we British have accomplished. Principles and resolve: They are what changed Britain a decade ago. They are what the Conservative Party brings to Britain. And they alone can secure her freedom and prosperity in the years ahead. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/108217 Speech to Conservative Party Conference (12 October 1990)] *Last week, Mr President, I seemed to hear a strange sound emanating from Blackpool. And I thought at first it was seagulls. [''laughter''] Then I remembered that Labour was holding its annual Conference there. And I realised it wasn't seagulls, it was chickens—[''laughter and applause''] chickens being counted before they were hatched—[''laughter and applause''] except for Labour's call to enter the ERM and cut interest rates. That was a case of counting chickens after they'd flown the coop. Then, I heard voices getting all worked up about someone they kept calling the “Prime Minister in Waiting”. [''laughter''] It occurs to me, Mr President, that he might have quite a wait. [''applause''] I can see him now, like the people queuing up for the Winter sales. All got up with his camp bed, hot thermos, woolly balaclava, CND badge ... [''laughter and applause''] Waiting, waiting, waiting ... And then when the doors open, in he rushes—only to find that, as always, there's “that woman” ahead of him again. [''applause and laughter''] I gather there may be an adjective between “that” and “woman” [''laughter''] only no-one will tell me what it is. [''laughter and applause''] **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/108217 Speech to Conservative Party Conference (12 October 1990)] * Now, that brings me to the Liberal Party. I gather that during the last few days there have been some ill-natured jokes about their new symbol, a bird of some kind, adopted by the Liberal Democrats at Blackpool. Politics is a serious business, and one should not lower the tone unduly. So I will say only this of the Liberal Democrat symbol and of the party it symbolises. This is an ex-parrot. It is not merely stunned. It has ceased to be, expired and gone to meet its maker. It is a parrot no more. It has rung down the curtain and joined the choir invisible. This is a late parrot. And now for something completely different. ** [http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/108217 Speech to Conservative Party Conference (12 October 1990)]. Partially quoting from [https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Monty_Python%27s_Flying_Circus#Dead_Parrot_Sketch Monty Python's Dead Parrot Sketch]. * It seems like [[w:Cloud cuckoo land|cloud cuckoo land]]... If anyone is suggesting that I would go to Parliament and suggest the abolition of the pound sterling – no! … We have made it quite clear that we will not have a single currency imposed on us. ** Remarks to the media immediately after the EEC Rome summit meeting (28 October 1990), quoted in ''A Conservative Coup: The Fall of Margaret Thatcher'' (1992) by Alan Watkins. <!-- p. 142 --> * The President of the Commission, [[Jacques Delors|M. Delors]], said at a press conference the other day that he wanted the European Parliament to be the democratic body of the Community, he wanted the Commission to be the Executive and he wanted the Council of Ministers to be the Senate. '''No. No. No'''. ** [http://www.publications.parliament.uk/pa/cm198990/cmhansrd/1990-10-30/Debate-1.html Speech in the House of Commons (30 October 1990)] * I am still at the crease, though the bowling has been pretty hostile of late. And in case anyone doubted it, can I assure you there will be no ducking the bouncers, no stonewalling, no playing for time. The bowling's going to get hit all round the ground. That is my style. ** [http://www.margaretthatcher.org/speeches/displaydocument.asp?docid=108241 Speech to the Lord Mayor's Banquet at Guildhall (12 November 1990)] [[File:ThatcherProfile.JPG|thumb|I fight on, I fight to win.]] * I fight on, I fight to win. ** [http://www.margaretthatcher.org/speeches/displaydocument.asp?docid=108252 Remarks to journalists in Downing Street (21 November 1990)], following the inconclusive first ballot in the [[w:1990 Conservative Party leadership election|Conservative leadership election]] *'''Paddy Ashdown''': ...this is an agreement which the right hon. Lady will be entitled to regard with a certain pride and satisfaction as she looks back on the twilight days of her premiership...<br /> *'''Margaret Thatcher''': ...The first eleven and a half years have not been so bad – and with regard to a twilight, please remember that there are 24 hours in a day. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/speeches/displaydocument.asp?docid=108253 House of Commons statement on the CSCE Summit (21 November 1990)] *Having consulted widely among colleagues, I have concluded that the unity of the Party and the prospects of victory in a General Election would be better served if I stood down to enable Cabinet colleagues to enter the ballot for the leadership. I should like to thank all those in Cabinet and outside who have given me such dedicated support. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/108254 Statement] announcing her intention to resign the premiership (22 November 1990). * People on all levels of income are better off than they were in 1979. The hon. Gentleman is saying that '''he would rather that the poor were poorer, provided that the rich were less rich'''. That way one will never create the wealth for better social services. as we have. What a policy. Yes, he would rather have the poor poorer, provided that the rich were less rich. That is the Liberal policy. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/108256 From her last House of Commons speech (22 November 1990)]; response to M.P. Simon Hughes *It may be inverted snobbishness but I don't want old style, Old Etonian Tories of the old school to succeed me and go back to the old complacent, consensus ways. [[John Major]] is someone who has fought his way up from the bottom and is far more in tune with the skilled and ambitious and worthwhile working classes than [[Douglas Hurd]] is. **Remarks to Woodrow Wyatt (23 November 1990), quoted in Sarah Curtis (ed.), ''The Journals of Woodrow Wyatt: Volume Two'' (Pan, 2000), pp. 401-402 * We're leaving Downing Street for the last time after eleven-and-a-half wonderful years, and we're very happy that we leave the United Kingdom in a very, very much better state than when we came here eleven and a half years ago. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/108258 Remarks departing Downing Street (28 November 1990)] ===Post-Premiership=== [[File:Blomsterang.jpg|thumb|We fly the British flag, not these awful things you are putting on tails.]] * Americans and Europeans alike sometimes forget how unique is the United States of America. No other nation has been created so swiftly and successfully. No other nation has been built upon an idea – the idea of liberty. No other nation has so successfully combined people of different races and nations within a single culture. Both the founding fathers of the United States and successive waves of immigrants to your country were determined to create a new identity. Whether in flight from persecution or from poverty, the huddled masses have, with few exceptions, welcomed American values, the American way of life and American opportunities. And America herself has bound them to her with powerful bonds of patriotism and pride. The European nations are not and can never be like this. They are the product of history and not of philosophy. You can construct a nation on an idea; but you cannot reconstruct a nation on the basis of one. ** [http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/108264 Speech at Hoover Institution Lunch (8 March 1991)] ** This quote appears to be the basis for the following condensed version, seen on numerous internet sites : ''Europe was created by history. America was created by philosophy.'' * When people are free to choose, they choose freedom. ** [http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/108266 Speech to the Industrial League of Orange County (14 March 1991)] *But freedom without law is freedom only for the strong at the expense of the weak. Freedom without law is therefore no freedom, but rather anarchy or tyranny. Law is the bond of all civil society. We are not asking a favour of a man when we ask him to obey the law. Obedience of the rule of law is necessary for the continuance of liberty itself. Doubtless you will point out that laws have not always been just—indeed they have been very unjust. In South Africa that certainly has been the case. Thankfully, that is now being remedied. And alongside that, democracy has yet to be achieved. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/108268 Speech in South Africa (20 May 1991)] * Our sovereignty does not come from Brussels—it is ours by right and by heritage. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/108276 Speech in the House of Commons (26 June 1991)] * Member for Islwyn was going to have a single currency willy-nilly. He has already made up his mind. The argument that he uses is that, if others have it, we must. That is an argument for a flock of sheep, not for people who are sent here to analyse the problem and to use our minds and our reason to say which course we should follow. ** [http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/108291 Speech in the House of Commons (20 November 1991)] * It is a great night. It is the end of Socialism. ** On hearing the results of the [[w:United Kingdom general election, 1992|1992 general election]] (9 April 1992), as reported in ''The Journals of Woodrow Wyatt: Volume Two'' (2000) by Woodrow Wyatt. <!-- p. 691 --> *The trouble with you John, is that your spine does not reach your brain. **On Conservative backbencher [[w:John Whittingdale|John Whittingdale]] after being summoned to her room to urge MPs to vote against the Maastricht Treaty. Whittingdale was reported to have emerged from the room in tears. (''The Times'' 26 November 1992) *We could have stopped this, we could still do so... But for the most part, we in the west have actually given comfort to the aggressor. **On Western non-intervention in Bosnia, as reported in 'Thatcher warns of "Holocaust" risk in Bosnia appeal' by Anthony Bevins and Stephen Goodwin in ''The Independent'' (17 December 1992) *I set out to destroy socialism because I felt it was at odds with the character of the people. We were the first country in the world to roll back the frontiers of socialism, then roll forward the frontiers of freedom. We reclaimed our heritage; we are renewing it and carrying it forward. **Quoted from Margaret Thatcher, Article for Newsweek “Don’t undo my work” (27 April 1992) *I didn't realise how absolutely useless they [the House of Lords] are. There they are, they just go along to collect £15,000 a year... They've got no guts. They should be defending Britain against the transfer of power to [[w:Maastricht Treaty|Maastricht]] and our loss of sovereignty and our loss of identity... If they were bigger men, they would take the risk. Actually, I think they are quite useless and they ought to be abolished. They are no good at all. **Remarks to Woodrow Wyatt (27 January 1993), quoted in Woodrow Wyatt, ''The Journals of Woodrow Wyatt, Volume Three'', ed. Sarah Curtis (2000), p. 166 * [It is a] killing field of the like of which I thought we would never see in Europe again [and is] not worthy of Europe, not worthy of the west and not worthy of the United States... This is happening in the heart of Europe and we have not done more to stop it. It is in Europe's sphere of influence. It should be in Europe's sphere of conscience... We are little more than an accomplice to massacre. **Response to the UK Foreign Secretary Douglas Hurd after he claimed that lifting the arms embargo to Bosnians would create a "level killing field", as reported in 'Thatcher says massacre brings shame on west' by Philip Webster and Robert Morgan in ''The Times'' (14 April 1993) * Clear. Decisive. Purposeful. ** When asked how she would describe her leadership style. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TJ8ly-Kwn6s&feature=youtu.be&t=5m1s] * Douglas, Douglas, you would make [[Neville Chamberlain]] look like a warmonger. **On [[Douglas Hurd]], as quoted in "Atticus", ''The Sunday Times'' (2 May 1993) *I could never have signed this treaty. I hope that that is clear to all who have heard me. ** [http://www.margaretthatcher.org/speeches/displaydocument.asp?docid=108314 Speech to the House of Lords] rejecting the [[w:Maastricht Treaty|Maastricht Treaty]] (7 June 1993) *We weren't getting a fair deal on the budget and I wasn't going to have it. There's a great strand of equity and fairness in the British people – this is our characteristic. There's not a strand of equity or fairness in Europe – they're out to get as much as they can. That's one of those enormous differences. So I tackled it on that basis. **On the UK's contribution to the EEC budget; interview for ''Thatcher: The Downing Street Years'' (1993), quoted in Iain Dale (ed.), ''As I Said to Denis...: The Margaret Thatcher Book of Quotations'' (1997), pp. 81-82 *When I'm out of politics I'm going to run a business, it'll be called 'rent-a-spine'. ** Quoted from an interview for the television programme "The Thatcher Years - Part 2" on BBC1 [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AEYPKLyug5c The Thatcher Years 2 of 4] (13 October 1993) *We were the first country to attempt and to succeed in rolling back the frontiers of socialism, which is the first cousin to communism. *Socialists don't like people to do things for themselves. Socialists like to get people dependent on the state! You never build a great society that way. * The interviewer Stina Dabrowski said to Thatcher: "So when people criticise you and say what it led to the period when you were prime minister was that the rich became richer and the poor and the became poorer." Thatcher replied "That is not correct. The poor also became less poor, because the benefits at the bottom for those who are genuinely poor do go up. Money spend on education goes up and on the Health Service goes up so that is not true. What happens you might get a bigger gap but you might start here creates a small gap particularly if you're paying top tax today - 83% on earnings and income and 98% on savings. Your gap goes up, it does go up, but the whole thing moves up the gap, you must give people incentive! ** Quoted from an interview with Stina Dabrowski. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p_gnhy7eT1s Margaret Thatcher on rising to power, and resigning from it] (1995) *[M]ore than they wanted freedom, the Athenians wanted security. Yet they lost everything—security, comfort, and freedom. This was because they wanted not to give to society, but for society to give to them. The freedom they were seeking was freedom from responsibility. It is no wonder, then, that they ceased to be free. In the modern world, we should recall the Athenians' dire fate whenever we confront demands for increased state paternalism. **[http://imprimisarchives.hillsdale.edu/file/archives/pdf/1995_03_Imprimis.pdf ''Imprimis,'' "The Moral Foundations of Society" (March 1995),] an edited version of a lecture Thatcher had delivered at [[Wikipedia:Hillsdale College|Hillsdale College]] in November 1994. In characterizing the Athenians Thatcher was paraphrasing from "Athens' Failure," a chapter of classicist Edith Hamilton's book ''The Echo of Greece'' (1957), [http://www.ergo-sum.net/books/Hamilton_EchoOfGreece_pp.47-48.jpg pp.47-48,] but in her lecture Thatcher mistakenly attributed the opinions to [[Edward Gibbon]]. Subsequently, a version of this quotation has been widely circulated on the Internet, misattributed to Gibbon. **In a later address, [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bb1sgMoYb70 "The Moral Foundation of Democracy,"] given in April 1996 at a Clearwater, Florida gathering of the [[James Madison Institute]], Thatcher delivered the same sentiment in a slightly different way: " 'In the end, more than they wanted freedom, [the Athenians] wanted security. They wanted a comfortable life. But they lost it all—security, comfort, and freedom. … When the Athenians finally wanted not to give to society, but for society to give to them, when the freedom they wished for most was freedom from responsibility, then Athens ceased to be free.' There you have the germ of the dependency culture: freedom from responsibility." *The kind of Conservatism which he and I...favoured would be best described as "liberal", in the old-fashioned sense. And I mean the liberalism of Mr Gladstone not of the latter day collectivists. That is to say, we placed far greater confidence in individuals, families, businesses and neighbourhoods than in the State. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/speeches/displaydocument.asp?docid=108353 Keith Joseph Memorial Lecture (11 January 1996)] * I am not sure what is meant by those who say that the Party should return to something called "One Nation Conservatism". As far as I can tell by their views on European federalism, such people's creed would be better described as "No Nation Conservatism". ** [http://www.margaretthatcher.org/speeches/displaydocument.asp?docid=108353 Keith Joseph Memorial Lecture (11 January 1996)] * The fightback begins now! ** In a telephone call to [[w:Michael Portillo|Michael Portillo]] the morning after the [[w:UK General Election 1997|1997 General Election]] * We fly the British flag, not these awful things you are putting on tails. ** [http://www.apnewsarchive.com/1997/Thatcher-takes-aim-at-British-Airways-tail-logos/id-c5a90438a0daf5287b2a3acd7403fc89 Statement to British Airways when they were changing their tail fin logos (9 October 1997)] * In my lifetime all our problems have come from mainland Europe and all the solutions have come from the English-speaking nations across the world. ** [http://www.thefreelibrary.com/Did+they+REALLY+say+that%3F+AS+A+SHORTLIST+IS+COMPILED+OF+THE+YEAR%27S...-a0109790331 Speech to Scottish Tories in 1999] * On my way here I passed a local cinema and it turns out you were expecting me after all, for the billboards read: ''[[wikipedia:The Mummy Returns|The Mummy Returns]]''. ** [http://www.margaretthatcher.org/speeches/displaydocument.asp?docid=108389 Speech to Conservative Election Rally in Plymouth (22 May, 2001)] * [[Tony Blair]] and [[w:New Labour|New Labour]]. We forced our opponents to change their minds. ** When asked what her greatest achievement was. *** At a dinner reception in 2002, as related by [[w:Conor Burns|Conor Burns]] in the [https://conservativehome.blogs.com/centreright/2008/04/making-history.html ''ConservativeHome'', 11 April 2008]. *I might have preferred iron, but bronze will do. It won't rust. And, this time I hope, the head will stay on. **"[http://legacy.utsandiego.com/news/world/20070221-1456-britain-thatcher-statue.html Statue of Margaret Thatcher unveiled at British Parliament]", Associated Press, 21 February 2007. **On the unveiling of a statue of her in the Members' Lobby of the House of Commons. Baroness Thatcher referred to a previous marble statue which was [http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/2091200.stm decapitated] in 2002. *I never hugged him, I bombed him. **Referring to Colonel Muammar Gaddafi, specifically to pictures of Tony Blair embracing him ***Related by Conor Burns MP at [[w:Young Britons' Foundation|Young Britons' Foundation]] Reception, via [http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/africaandindianocean/libya/8378222/Libya-Margaret-Thatcher-gives-Colonel-Gaddafis-Labour-friends-a-history-lesson.html <i>The Telegraph</i>, 13th March 2011, Richard Eden] *I had applied for a job [at [[w:Imperial Chemical Industries|Imperial Chemical Industries]]] in 1948 and was called for a personal interview. However I failed to get selected. Many years later, I succeeded in finding out why I had been rejected. The remarks written by the selectors on my application were: "This woman is headstrong, obstinate and dangerously self-opinionated!" ** Quoted by K. Sathyanarayana in ''[http://books.google.com/books?id=5ggWAQAAMAAJ&q=&quot;I+had+applied+for+a+job+in+1948+and+was+called+for+a+personal+interview.+However+I+failed+to+get+selected+Many+years+later%2C+I+succeeded+in+finding+out+why+I+had+been+rejected+The+remarks+written+by+the+selectors+on+my+application+were+This+woman+is+headstrong+obstinate+and+dangerously+self-opinionated&quot; The Power of Humor at the Workplace]'' (2007) === ''The Downing Street Years'' (1993) === * No theory of government was ever given a fairer test or a more prolonged experiment in a democratic country than democratic socialism received in Britain. Yet it was a miserable failure in every respect. Far from reversing the slow relative decline of Britain ''vis-à-vis'' its main industrial competitors, it accelerated it. We fell further behind them, until by 1979 we were widely dismissed as 'the sick man of Europe'. ... To cure the British disease with socialism was like trying to cure leukaemia with leeches. **pp. 7-8 *[[William Pitt, 1st Earl of Chatham|Chatham]] famously remarked: 'I know that I can save this country and that no one else can.' It would have been presumptuous of me to have compared myself to Chatham. But if I am honest, I must admit that my exhilaration came from a similar inner conviction. **p. 10 *It was at Strasbourg...that I overheard a foreign government official make a stray remark that pleased me as much as any I can remember: 'Britain is back,' he said. **p. 64 **During the European Council meeting at Strasbourg in June 1979, Thatcher had demanded a rebate in Britain's contribution to the EEC budget *The significance of the [[w:Falklands War|Falklands War]] was enormous, both for Britain's self-confidence and for our standing in the world...We had come to be seen by both friends and enemies as a nation which lacked the will and the capability to defend its interests in peace, let alone in war. Victory in the Falklands changed that. Everywhere I went after the war, Britain's name meant something more than it had. The war also had real importance in relations between East and West: years later I was told by a Russian general that the Soviets had been firmly convinced that we would not fight for the Falklands, and that if we did fight we would lose. We proved them wrong on both counts, and they did not forget the fact. **pp. 173-174 *But when you are at war you cannot allow the difficulties to dominate your thinking: you have to set out with an iron will to overcome them. And anyway what was the alternative? That a common or garden dictator should rule over the Queen's subjects and prevail by fraud and violence? Not while I was prime minister. **p. 181 *Unlike some of my colleagues, I never ceased to believe that, other things being equal, the level of unemployment was related to the extent of trade union power. The unions had priced many of their members out of jobs by demanding excessive wages for insufficient output, so making British goods uncompetitive. **p. 272 *Labour's own drift to the left and the extremism of the trade unions had disillusioned and fractured its traditional support. The [[w:Social Democratic Party (UK)|SDP]] and the [[w:Liberal Party (UK)|Liberals]] failed to grasp the significance of what was happening. They projected their appeal to the middle-class Left, especially those who worked in the public sector, probably, I suspect, because [[Roy Jenkins]] and [[w:Shirley Williams|Shirley Williams]] instinctively sought out their own kind and allowed that instinct to overcome their judgement. In fact, the more numerous and dissatisfied Labour supporters were in the rising working and lower-middle class – the same group that in America [[Ronald Reagan]] was winning over and who were known as '[[w:Reagan Democrat|Reagan Democrats]]'. They were benefiting from the opportunities we had made available, especially the sale of council houses; more important, they shared our values, including a strong belief in family life and an intense patriotism. We now had an opportunity to bring them into the Conservative fold. **p. 298 *I had by now come to share [[Nigel Lawson|Nigel]]'s high opinion of himself. **p. 309 *From 1972 until 1985 the conventional wisdom was that Britain could only be governed with the consent of the trade unions. No government could really resist, still less defeat, a major strike; in particular a strike by the miners' union. ... [M]any on the left and outside it continued to believe that the miners had the ultimate veto and would one day use it. That day had now come and gone. Our determination to resist a strike emboldened the ordinary trade unionist to defy the militants. What the strike's defeat established was that Britain could not be made ungovernable by the Fascist Left. Marxists wanted to defy the law of the land in order to defy the laws of economics. They failed, and in doing so demonstrated just how mutually dependent the free economy and a free society really are. It is a lesson no one should forget. **pp. 377–378 **On the [[w:UK miners' strike (1984–85)|1984–1985 miners' strike]] *When the [[w:Norman Fowler, Baron Fowler|Norman Fowlers]] of this world believe that they can afford to rebel, you know that things are bad. **p. 440 *The star of that year's conference was undoubtedly the Swedish conservative leader&mdash;since Prime Minister&mdash;who delivered a speech of such startling Thatcherite soundness that in applauding I felt as if I was giving myself a standing ovation. **p. 500 **On [[w:Carl Bildt|Carl Bildt]]'s speech to the [[w:International Democratic Union|International Democratic Union]] *I have enormous admiration for the Jewish people, inside or outside Israel. There have always been Jewish members of my staff and indeed my Cabinet. In fact I just wanted a Cabinet of clever, energetic people – and frequently that turned out to be the same thing. My old constituency of Finchley has a large Jewish population. In the thirty-three years I represented it I never had a Jew come in poverty and desperation to one of my constituency surgeries. They had always been looked after by their own community. **p. 509 *I often wished that...Christians themselves would take closer note of the Jewish emphasis on self-help and acceptance of personal responsibility. On top of all that, the political and economic construction of [[Israel]] against huge odds and bitter adversaries is one of the heroic sagas of our age. They really made 'the desert bloom'. I only wished that Israeli emphasis on the human rights of the Russian ''refuseniks'' was matched by proper appreciation of the plight of landless and stateless Palestinians. **p. 510 *The colour of someone's skin should not determine his or her political rights. **p. 513 *I was lectured on my political morality, on my preferring British jobs to black lives, on my lack of concern for human rights. One after the other, their accusations became more vitriolic and personal until I could stand it no longer. To their palpable alarm I began to tell my African critics a few home truths. I noted that they were busily trading with South Africa at the same time as they were attacking me for refusing to apply sanctions. I wondered when they intended to show similar concern about abuses in the Soviet Union, with which of course they often had not just trade but close political links. I wondered when I was going to hear them attack terrorism. I reminded them of their own less than impressive record on human rights. And when the representative from Uganda took me to task for racial discrimination, I turned on him and reminded him of the Asians which Uganda had thrown out on racial grounds, many of whom had come to settle in my constituency in North London, where they were model citizens and doing very well. **p. 517 **On the [[w:Commonwealth Heads of Government Meeting 1985|Commonwealth Heads of Government Meeting]] at Nassau in October 1985, where Thatcher opposed sanctions on South Africa *I never confused the leader page of the ''[[w:The Guardian|Guardian]]'' with ''[[w:Vox populi|vox populi]]''. **p. 561 *I had great regard for the Victorians for many reasons. ... I never felt uneasy about praising 'Victorian values' or – the phrase I originally used – ‘Victorian virtues’ ... [T]hey distinguished between the 'deserving' and the 'undeserving poor'. Both groups should be given help; but it must be help of very different kinds if public spending is not just going to reinforce the dependency culture. The problem with our welfare state was that...we had failed to remember that distinction and so we provided the same 'help' to those who had genuinely fallen into difficulties and needed some support till they could get out of them, as to those who had simply lost the will or habit of work and self-improvement. The purpose of help must not be to allow people to live a half-life, but to restore their self-discipline and through that their self-esteem. **p. 627 *The press was full of outraged criticism of the [[w:Poll tax (Great Britain)|community charge]] from Conservative supporters. What hurt me was that the very people who had always looked to me for protection from exploitation by the socialist state were those who were suffering most. These were the people who were just above the level at which community charge benefit stopped but who were by no means well off and who had scrimped and saved to buy their homes. **p. 658 *A whole class of people – an '[[w:Underclass|underclass]]' if you will – had been dragged back into the ranks of responsible society and asked to become not just dependants but citizens. The violent [[w:Poll tax riots|riots of 31 March]] in and around Trafalgar Square was their and the Left's response. And the eventual abandonment of the charge represented one of the greatest victories for these people ever conceded by a Conservative Government. **p. 661 *[D]uring my second term of office as Prime Minister, certain harmful features and tendencies in the European Community started to become ­evident. Against the notable gains constituted by the securing of Britain's budget rebate and progress towards a real Common – or 'Single' – Market had to be set a more powerful Commission ambitious for power, an inclination towards bureaucratic rather than market solutions to economic problems and the re-emergence of a Franco-German axis with its own covert federalist and protectionist agenda. As yet, however, the full implications of all this were unclear – even to me, distrustful as I always was of that un-British combination of high-flown rhetoric and pork-barrel politics which passed for European statesmanship. **p. 727 *I always regarded [[free trade]] as far more important than all the other ambitious and often counter-productive strategies of global economic policy – for example the policies of 'co-ordinated growth' which led principally to inflation. Free trade provided a means not only for poorer countries to earn foreign currency and increase their peoples' standards of living. It was also a force for peace, freedom and political decentralization: peace, because economic links between nations reinforce mutual understanding with mutual interest; freedom, because trade between individuals bypasses the apparatus of the state and disperses power to customers not planners; political decentralization, because the size of the political unit is not dictated by the size of the market and vice versa. **p. 739 *Not the least of those opponents was [[Jacques Delors]]. By the summer of 1988 he had altogether slipped his leash as a ''fonctionnaire'' and become a fully fledged political spokesman for federalism. The blurring of the roles of civil servants and elected representatives was more in the continental tradition than in ours. It proceeded from the widespread distrust which their voters had for politicians in countries like France and Italy. That same distrust also fuelled the federalist express. If you have no real confidence in the political system or political leaders of your own country you are bound to be more tolerant of foreigners of manifest intelligence, ability and integrity like M. Delors telling you how to run your affairs. Or to put it more bluntly, if I were an Italian I might prefer rule from Brussels too. But the mood in Britain was different. I sensed it. More than that, I shared it and I decided that the time had come to strike out against what I saw as the erosion of democracy by centralization and bureaucracy, and to set out an alternative view of Europe's future. **p. 742 *Were British democracy, parliamentary sovereignty, the common law, our traditional sense of fairness, our ability to run our own affairs in our own way to be subordinated to the demands of a remote European bureaucracy, resting on very different traditions? I had by now heard about as much of the European 'ideal' as I could take; I suspected that many others had too. In the name of this ideal, waste, corruption and abuse of power were reaching levels which no one who supported, as I had done, entry to the European Economic Community could have foreseen. **p. 743 *For me as a British Conservative, with [[Edmund Burke]] the father of Conservatism and first great perceptive critic of the [[French Revolution|Revolution]] as my ideological mentor, the events of 1789 represent a perennial illusion in politics. The French Revolution was a Utopian attempt to overthrow a traditional order — one with many imperfections, certainly — in the name of abstract ideas, formulated by vain intellectuals, which lapsed, not by chance but through weakness and wickedness, into purges, mass murder and war. In so many ways it anticipated the still more terrible [[Russian Revolution|Bolshevik Revolution]] of 1917. The English tradition of liberty, however, grew over the centuries: its most marked features are continuity, respect for law and a sense of balance, as demonstrated by the [[w:Glorious Revolution|Glorious Revolution]] of 1688. **p. 753 *Orthodox finance, low levels of regulation and taxation, a minimal bureaucracy, strong defence, a willingness to stand up for Britain's interests wherever and whenever threatened – I did not believe that I had to open windows into men's souls on these matters. The arguments for them seemed to me to have been won. I now know that such arguments are never finally won. **p. 755 *I was determined to accept the invitation I had earlier received from [[w:Wojciech Jaruzelski|General Jaruzelski]] to go to [[Poland]]. I always felt the greatest affection and admiration for this nation of indomitable patriots, whose traditions and distinctive identity the Prussians, Austrians and Russians (in the eighteenth and nineteenth centuries) and the Nazis and communists (in the twentieth century) had sought vainly to extinguish. I could not forget the Polish airmen who had fought with the RAF against Nazism, and how a war begun over the freedom of Poland had ended leaving them trapped under tyranny. **p. 777 *[[Geoffrey Howe]] from this point on would be remembered not for his staunchness as Chancellor, nor for his skilful diplomacy as Foreign Secretary, but for this final act of bile and treachery. The very brilliance with which he wielded the dagger ensured that the character he assassinated was in the end his own. **p. 840 *I was sick at heart. I could have resisted the opposition of opponents and potential rivals and even respected them for it; but what grieved me was the desertion of those I had always considered friends and allies and the weasel words whereby they had transmuted their betrayal into frank advice and concern for my fate. **p. 855 [[File:Photograph of the G-7 Economic Summit in Williamsburg, Virginia (left to right) Pierre Trudeau, Gaston Thorn, Helmut... - NARA - 198538.jpg|244px|thumb|right|To me, consensus seems to be the process of abandoning all beliefs, principles, values and policies. So it is something in which no one believes and to which no one objects.]] ===''The Path To Power'' (1995)<ref>The Path to Power by Margaret Thatcher </ref> === *Nazism (national Socialism) and communism (international socialism) were but two sides of the same coin. *We all see these great calamities with different eyes, and so their impact upon us is different. *The main contribution one can make as a student to one's country in peace or wartime is to study hard and effectively. *Each demand for security, whether of employment, income or social position, implied the exclusion from such benefits of those outside the particular privileged group - and would generate demands for countervailing privileges from the excluded groups. Eventually, in such a situation every will lose. *Everyone had something unique to offer in life and their responsibility was to develop those gifts - and heroes come from all backgrounds. *You cannot build a great nation or brotherhood of man by spreading envy or hatred. *Our opponents like to try and make you believe that Conservatism is a privilege of the few. But Conservatism conserves all that is great and best in our national heritage. *It is not our policy to suppress success. *Our policy is not built on envy or hatred, but on liberty for the individual man or woman. *Communism was the regime for the privileged elite, capitalism the creed for the common man. *When you stop selecting by ability you have to select according to some other inevitably less satisfactory criterion. *Those who use this countries great tradition of freedom of speech should not seek to deny that same freedom to others, especially to those who, like Mr Powell, spent their war years in distinguished service in the Forces. *Many senior policemen put greater emphasis on maintaining 'order' than on upholding the law. In practice that meant failing to uphold the rights of individuals against the rule of the mob. ===''Statecraft: Strategies for a Changing World''=== {{cite book |last=Thatcher |first=Margaret |authorlink=Margaret Thatcher |title=Statecraft: Strategies for a Changing World |year=2002 |publisher=HarperCollins |location=New York |isbn=0-06-095912-6 }} * For my part, I favour an approach to statecraft that embraces principles, as long as it is not stifled by them; and I prefer such principles to be accompanied by steel along with good intentions. **p. xxii * We now know that bin Laden's terrorists had been planning their outrages for years. The propagation of their mad, bad ideology – decency forbids calling it a religion – had been taking place before our eyes. We were just too blind to see it. In short, the world had never ceased to be dangerous. But the West had ceased to be vigilant. Surely that is the most important lesson of this tragedy, and we must learn it if our civilisation is to survive. **p. xxv * The habit of ubiquitous interventionism, combining pinprick strikes by precision weapons with pious invocations of high principle, would lead us into endless difficulties. Interventions must be limited in number and overwhelming in their impact. **p. 37 * I should therefore prefer to restrict my guidelines to the following: ** Don't believe that military interventions, no matter how morally justified, can succeed without clear military goals ** Don't fall into the trap of imagining that the West can remake societies ** Don't take public opinion for granted – but don't either underrate the degree to which good people will endure sacrifices for a worthwhile cause ** Don't allow tyrants and aggressors to get away with it ** And when you fight – fight to win. ***p. 39 * The West as a whole in the early 1990s became obsessed with a 'peace dividend' that would be spent over and over again on any number of soft-hearted and sometimes soft-headed causes. Politicians forgot that the only real peace dividend is peace. **p. 40 * Never believe that technology ''alone'' will allow America to prevail as a superpower. **p. 47 * But if Saddam had been in a position credibly to threaten America or any of its allies – or the coalition's forces – with attack by missiles with nuclear warheads, would we have gone to the Gulf at all? **p. 49 [[File:Margaret Thatcher abstract 1.jpg|thumb|For every idealistic peacemaker willing to renounce his self-defence in favour of a weapons-free world, there is at least one warmaker anxious to exploit the other's good intentions.]] * For every idealistic peacemaker willing to renounce his self-defence in favour of a weapons-free world, there is at least one warmaker anxious to exploit the other's good intentions. **p. 50 * Successful entrepreneurship is ultimately a matter of flair. But there is also a fund of practical knowledge to be acquired and, of course, the right legal and financial framework has to be provided for productive enterprise to develop. **p. 65 * It is always important in matters of high politics to know what you do not know. Those who think they know, but are mistaken, and act upon their mistakes, are the most dangerous people to have in charge. **p. 104 * Singapore's success shows us that: ** A country's wealth need not depend on natural resources, it may even ultimately benefit from their absence ** The greatest resource of all is Man ** What government has to do is to set the framework for human talent to flourish. **p. 118 * All corporatism – even when practised in societies where hard work, enterprise and cooperation are as highly valued as in Korea – encourages inflexibility, discourages individual accountability, and risks magnifying errors by concealing them. **p. 121 * My father, more perceptive than many, wryly commented that by the time I was an adult there might not be an Indian Civil Service to enter. He turned out to be right. I had to settle for British politics instead. **p. 195 * Patched-up diplomatic solutions designed to answer the needs of the moment rarely last, and as they unravel they can actually make things worse. **p. 203 * North Korea desperately needed the foreign currency which this lethal trade could bring; its role as chief 'rogue' reinforced its prestige among anti-Western states, near and far; and it could also hope at the right moment to extort new instalments of Danegeld from America and her allies. **p. 212 * Constitutions have to be written on hearts, not just paper. **p. 256 * You only have to wade through a metric measure or two of European prose, culled from its directives, circulars, reports, communiqués or what pass as debates in its 'parliament', and you will quickly understand that Europe is, in truth, synonymous with bureaucracy – to which one might add 'to', 'from' and 'with' bureaucracy if one were so minded. **p. 324 * What we should grasp, however, from the lessons of European history is that, first, there is nothing necessarily benevolent about programmes of European integration; second, the desire to achieve grand utopian plans often poses a grave threat to freedom; and third, European unity has been tried before, and the outcome was far from happy. **p. 327 * 'Europe' in anything other than the geographical sense is a wholly artificial construct. It makes no sense at all to lump together [[Beethoven]] and [[Debussy]], [[Voltaire]] and Burke, [[Vermeer]] and [[Picasso]], Notre Dame and St Paul's, boiled beef and bouillabaisse, and portray them as elements of a 'European' musical, philosophical, artistic, architectural or gastronomic reality. If Europe charms us, as it has so often charmed me, it is precisely because of its contrasts and contradictions, not its coherence and continuity. ** p. 328 * Not that this appears to affect the intentions of the political-bureaucratic elite, which in Britain as elsewhere in Europe believes that it has an overriding mission to achieve European integration by hook or by crook and which is convinced that History (with an extra-large 'H') is on its side. **p. 388 == Attributed == * The feminists hate me, don't they? And I don’t blame them. For I hate feminism. It is poison. ** As quoted by Paul Johnson in [http://www.spectator.co.uk/features/6766663/failure-of-the-feminists/ Failure of the Feminists], ''The Spectator'', 12 March, 2011. * It may be the [[Chickens#Cocks|cock]] that crows, but it is the [[Chickens#Hens|hen]] that lays the [[eggs]]. ** As quoted in ''Animal Sciences: The Biology, Care, and Production of Domestic Animals'' (2009) by John R. Campbell, M. Douglas Kenealy, Karen L. Campbell, p. 68 *Oh, those poor shopkeepers! **Remark upon seeing the first pictures of the [[w:1981 Toxteth riots|Toxteth riots]] (''c''. July 1981), quoted in Hugo Young, ''One of Us'' (Pan, 1993), p. 239 *The problem is the [[Elizabeth II of the United Kingdom|Queen]] is the kind of woman who could vote [[w:Social Democratic Party (UK)|SDP]]. **Remark to Brian Walden on ''The Sunday Times''{{'}} article about her relationship with the Queen (26 April 1988), quoted in Andrew Neil, ''Full Disclosure'' (Pan, 1997), p. 256 {{disputed begin}} ==Disputed== * Victorian values. ** This phrase, often associated with Thatcher, derives from an [http://www.margaretthatcher.org/speeches/displaydocument.asp?docid=105087 interview with Brian Walden on ''Weekend World'' (16 January, 1983)]. However, it is Brian Walden who says, in summarising Margaret Thatcher, "you've really outlined an approval of what I would call Victorian values". ** P.M. Thatcher made this observation shortly thereafter : ''The other day I appeared on a certain television programme. And I was asked whether I was trying to restore ‘Victorian values.’ I said straight out, yes I was. And I am. And if you ask me whether I believe in the puritan work ethic, I’ll give you an equally straight answer to that too.'' *** [http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/105244 From a speech to the Glasgow Chamber of Commerce (January 28, 1983)] ** Thatcher also gave the following quote a few weeks later : ''I was brought up by a Victorian grandmother. You were taught to work jolly hard, you were taught to improve yourself, you were taught self-reliance, you were taught to live within your income, you were taught that cleanliness was next to godliness. You were taught self-respect, you were taught always to give a hand to your neighbour, you were taught tremendous pride in your country, you were taught to be a good member of your community. All of these things are Victorian values. [...] They are also perennial values as well.'' *** [http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/105291 Radio Interview for IRN programme ‘The Decision Makers’ (April 15, 1983)] ; conducted by Peter Allen * You may have to fight a battle more than once to win it. ** This quote is widely attributed to Margaret Thatcher on various websites, and also appears in a number of books, including ''The Concise Columbia Dictionary of Quotations'', Columbia University Press (1989), ed. Robert Andrews, p. 320 : <small> {{ISBN|0231069901}}. 9780231069908 </small>, but without any further source information such as date, location or any other context. ** One valid Thatcher quote which may be the basis for the version above appears in the [http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/105799 Second Carlton Lecture] (‘Why Democracy Will Last’), delivered at the Carlton Club, London (November 26, 1984) : ''Mr. Chairman, each generation has to stand up for democracy. It can’t take anything for granted and may have to fight fundamental battles anew. You know that marvellous quotation from Goethe : ‘That which thy fathers bequeathed thee / Earn it anew if thou would possess it.’'' ** Thatcher also expressed this thought in a [http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/111266 Speech to Atlantic Bridge (May 14, 2003)], delivered at the St. Regis Hotel, New York City : ''My friends, every generation has to fight anew the battle for liberty.'' * Remember, George, this is no time to go wobbly. ** To President George H.W. Bush, regarding the Persian Gulf conflict, as reported in [http://community.seattletimes.nwsource.com/archive/?date=19910308&slug=1270460 an AP story] published March 8,1991 ** Former Vice President Dick Cheney : ''It’s an old wives’ story.'' *** [http://video.foxnews.com/v/2287344111001/dick-cheney-pays-tribute-to-margaret-thatcher/ Fox News interview (April 8, 2013)] with Greta Van Susteren that focused on his recollections of Prime Minister Thatcher ** [http://www.politifact.com/truth-o-meter/statements/2013/apr/10/dick-cheney/dick-cheney-margaret-thatcher-go-wobbly/ PolitiFact.com], after a fairly extensive review of available source material, concluded, ''We rate Cheney’s claim False.'' {{disputed end}} {{Misattributed begin}} ==Misattributed== *A man who, beyond the age of 26, finds himself on a bus can count himself as a failure. **Attributed to her in [http://www.parliament.the-stationery-office.co.uk/pa/cm200203/cmhansrd/vo030702/debtext/30702-10.htm Commons debates, 2003-07-02, column 407] and [http://www.publications.parliament.uk/pa/cm200304/cmhansrd/vo040615/debtext/40615-20.htm#40615-20_spnew1 Commons debates, 2004-06-15 column 697]. According to a [http://www.telegraph.co.uk/core/Content/displayPrintable.jhtml?xml=/opinion/2006/11/02/nosplit/dt0201.xml&site=15&page=0 letter] to the ''Daily Telegraph'' by Alistair Cooke on 2 November 2006, this sentiment originated with Loelia Ponsonby, one of the wives of [[w:Hugh Grosvenor, 2nd Duke of Westminster|2nd Duke of Westminster]] who said "Anybody seen in a bus over the age of 30 has been a failure in life". <!-- He also cited Martin Gilbert's biography of Winston Churchill as a source – anyone find the appropriate page? --> In a [http://www.telegraph.co.uk/comment/letters/3633852/Letters-to-the-Daily-Telegraph.html letter] published the next day, also in the ''Daily Telegraph'', Hugo Vickers claims Loelia Ponsonby admitted to him that she had borrowed it from [[w:Brian Howard (poet)|Brian Howard]]. There is no solid evidence that Margaret Thatcher ever quoted this statement with approval, or indeed shared the sentiment. *If my critics saw me walking over the River Thames they would say it was because I couldn't swim. **Attributed to her in [http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/features/3637706/Quite-Interesting.html] and other sources. Actually an adapted [[Lyndon Johnson]] quote "If one morning I walked on top of the water across the Potomac River, the headline that afternoon would read: 'President Can't Swim.'" * Being powerful is like being a lady. If you have to tell people you are, you aren't. ** Often attributed to Thatcher, but originally said by Jesse Carr, head of Teamsters Union Local, in ''Newsweek'', Vol. 88 (1976), p. 77 {{Misattributed end}} == Quotes about Thatcher== {{see also|Death and funeral of Margaret Thatcher}} * The fall of Margaret Thatcher in the autumn of 1990 had much of the appearance of a return of British politics to its modern starting-point in the early sixties. ** [[Perry Anderson]], "The Light of Europe", in ''English Question'' (1992) *Remember how close the IRA came to killing her at Brighton in 1984. I have a sense that she feels she has been living on borrowed time ''and'' that she has so much left to do ever since. As you know, she needs very little sleep and sits up there in that study of hers on the first floor of No. 10 until the small hours. It's as if she looks out the window and sees the camp fires of her enemies who are surrounding her, just waiting for her to go. And she knows that so many of the old ways and policies she despises will begin to reappear the moment she does. **Anonymous former senior civil servant interviewed by [[w:Peter Hennessy|Peter Hennessy]] (1989), quoted in Peter Hennessy, ''The Prime Minister: The Office and its Holders since 1945'' (2001), p. 432 * When she came to power in 1979 we genuinely debated whether or not those who governed Britain would be the trade unions or the elected Government of our country. I think her most significant achievement is that that question is no longer asked. She has had a unique character and unique strengths and abilities and unique faults as well. ** [[Paddy Ashdown]] (BBC TV News, 22 November 1990), as quoted in {{harvnb|Dale|2012}} * She behaves with all the sensitivity of a sex-starved boa constrictor. ** [[Tony Banks]] (''The Independent'', October 1997 [http://www.guardian.co.uk/g2/story/0,,1682818,00.html]) *In terms of stamina and persistence, you have to admit Margaret Thatcher is an extraordinary woman. She came out of Number 10, saying "I fight on. I fight to win." Then she went to the House and made a statement on the Paris CSCE talks. You would think she would be downcast after that setback, but not at all. When Paddy Ashdown said that the [[w:Paris Charter|Paris Treaty]] was one of the great moments of the twilight of her premiership, she replied, "As for twilight, people should remember that there is a 24-hour clock", which was a smashing answer. **[[Tony Benn]], diary entry (21 November 1990), quoted in Tony Benn, ''The End of An Era: Diaries, 1980–90'', ed. Ruth Winstone (1992), p. 612 [[File:11.12.67 Présentation officielle du Concorde (1967) - 53Fi1748 (Tony Benn).jpg|thumb|upright|The Prime Ministers who are remembered are those who think and teach, and not many do. Mrs. Thatcher... influenced the thinking of a generation.]] * The Prime Ministers who are remembered are those who think and teach, and not many do. Mrs. Thatcher... influenced the thinking of a generation. **[[Tony Benn]], quoted in Peter Hennessy, ''The Prime Minister: The Office and its Holders since 1945'' (2001), p. 398 * She was a tigress surrounded by hamsters. ** [[w:John Biffen|John Biffen]], 'The revenge of the unburied dead', ''The Observer'' (9 December 1990) *I've not seen one interview in recent years where she hasn't wiped the floor with the interviewer with contemptuous ease. **[[w:William Boyd (writer)|William Boyd]], quoted in John Campbell, ''Margaret Thatcher, Volume Two: The Iron Lady'' (2003), p. 477 *She will be remembered not only for being Britain's first female prime minister and holding the office for eleven years, but also for the determination and resilience with which she carried out all her duties throughout her public life. Even those who disagreed with her never doubted the strength of her convictions and her unwavering belief in Britain's destiny in the world. **[[Gordon Brown]], quoted in '[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-22071506 Margaret Thatcher dies: Reaction in quotes]', BBC News.co.uk (8 April 2013) * Her iron will won international respect. Her unabashed femininity gained women's. Margaret Thatcher was a lady's lady. ** [[Louise Burfitt-Dons]], speech to CWCC, London (April 2013) * I'll miss her because I value her counsel. I value her long experience and the wisdom that comes from that experience. She has been an outstanding Prime Minister for the United Kingdom and an outstanding friend to the United States. ** [[George H. W. Bush]] (22 November 1990), as quoted in {{harvnb|Dale|2012}} *America's highest civilian award is the [[w:Presidential Medal of Freedom|Medal of Freedom]]. And we're here to present it to one of the greatest leaders of our time... She's been called the Iron Lady—irrepressible, at times incorrigible, always indomitable... Her resolution and dedication set an example for all of us... Margaret Thatcher helped bring the cold war to an end, helped the human will outlast bayonets and barbed wire. She sailed freedom's ship wherever it was imperilled. Prophet and crusader, idealist and realist, this heroic woman made history move her way. ** [[George H. W. Bush]], remarks upon presenting the Presidential Medal of Freedom (7 March 1991), quoted in ''Public Papers of the Presidents of the United States: George H. W. Bush, Book I'' (1992), pp. 225–226 *Of all the prime ministers that I have known, from [[Harold Macmillan]] to [[James Callaghan|Lord Callaghan]], she was the one who most wanted to do things, as distinct from simply being prime minister. **[[w:Ronald Butt|Ronald Butt]], 'A missionary in politics', ''The Times'' (23 November 1990), p. 16 * The further you got from Britain, the more admired you found she was. ** [[James Callaghan]], ''The Spectator'' (December 1990), as quoted in {{harvnb|Dale|2012}} * In 1979, blue collar Britain rescued this country when they backed Margaret Thatcher, rejecting the socialism of the elite. Despite endless expert economists objecting to the tough economic medicine Mrs Thatcher prescribed, it was blue collar Britain stuck with her as she turned our country around. She was elected four times in a row, never losing an election. ** [[w:Douglas Carswell|Douglas Carswell]], 'CARSWELL: How The Elitists Lost Britain', ''The Daily Wire'' (31 May 2019) *Of all the elements combined in the complex of signs labelled Margaret Thatcher, it is her voice that sums up the ambiguity of the entire construct. She coos like a dove, hisses like a serpent, bays like a hound [in a contrived upper-class accent] reminiscent not of real toffs but of [[w:P. G. Wodehouse|Wodehouse]] aunts. **[[w:Angela Carter|Angela Carter]], ''New Statesman'' (3 June 1983), quoted in John Campbell, ''Margaret Thatcher, Volume Two: The Iron Lady'' (2003), p. 477 *She is so clearly the best man among them...I can't help feeling a thrill, even though I believe her election will make things much more difficult for us. I have been saying for a long time that this country is ready...for a woman Prime Minister. **[[Barbara Castle]]'s diary (11 February 1975), quoted in ''The Castle Diaries, 1974–76'' (1980), p. 309 *[Margaret Thatcher] struck a chord which was waiting to be struck...all these fears of bureaucracy, of too much government, of the erosion of freedom of the individual, fears of anarchy...she just came at the time when all these fears began to coalesce. **[[w:Alun Gwynne Jones, Baron Chalfont|Lord Chalfont]], quoted in Phillip Whitehead, ''The Writing on the Wall: Britain in the Seventies'' (1985), p. 216 * What does she want, this housewife? My balls on a tray? ** [[w:Jacques Chirac|Jacques Chirac]], then [[:w:Prime minister of France|Prime Minister of France]], during the February 1988 [[w:Brussels|Brussels]] summit; appeared in headlines of the British press and created a minor diplomatic incident. *Given half the chance she would have led poor MacCormick and the camera crew in a chorus of "Rule Britannia" before the credits rolled. She is the most outrageous female performer since [[w:Dame Edna Everage|Edna Everage]], she positively exults in getting whatever [[w:Buggins' turn|Buggins]] is unfortunate enough to have his turn in the ring and clouting him round the head, and kneeing him in the groin and all the time she smiles that damnable smile. **[[w:Anthony Clare|Anthony Clare]] on Thatcher's [https://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/105898 1985 interview] with [[w:Donald MacCormick|Donald MacCormick]] for BBC's ''Newsnight'', quoted in Michael Cockerell, ''Live from Number 10: The Inside Story of Prime Ministers and Television'' (1989), p. 299 *We shall remember – not the bomb or the ruined building – but your courage, calm and nobility in the aftermath. **[[w:John Coles (diplomat)|John Coles]] to Thatcher after the Brighton bomb attack (13 October 1984), quoted in Charles Moore, ''Margaret Thatcher. The Authorized Biography, Volume Two: Everything She Wants'' (2015), p. 315 *[[w:Powellism|Powellism]] anticipated, [[w:Thatcherism|Thatcherism]] coincided with, changes in economic opinion which occurred very generally among economists, civil servants and financial commentators of all political opinions in face of the economic decline of the 1970s. They were also parts of a struggle for power, victory in which enabled Mrs Thatcher to play radical variations on that patriotic conjunction of freedom, authority, inequality, individualism and average decency and respectability, which had been the Conservative Party's theme since at least 1886 and the aspiration it had maintained through all the resistances it had encountered from, and all the concessions it had made to, the higher thought, collectivist practice and the caution, or reluctance, of its leaders. The Conservative Party under Mrs Thatcher has used a radical rhetoric to give intellectual respectability to what the Conservative Party has always wanted. **[[Maurice Cowling]], 'Preface to the Second Edition', ''Mill and Liberalism'' (1963; 2nd ed., 1990), pp. xxvii-xviii * She was as relevant and as useful as the most backward and narrow member of the USA Republican Tea Party. I would like to quote a distinguished actress, now Member of Parliament, Glenda Jackson, who summed up her reaction to Mrs Thatcher better than I could: “Thatcherism wreaked the most heinous social, economic and spiritual damage upon this country.”...That materialism has grown since she left office. To continue with the quotation from MP Glenda Jackson: “The basis to Thatcherism was that everything I had been taught to regard as a vice … under Thatcherism was in fact a virtue: greed, selfishness, no care for the weaker.”...She was an exponent of the past and its values, which have brought humanity to the most dangerous place it has ever been in its history." **[[Benjamin Creme]] in [http://www.share-international.org/magazine/old_issues/2013/2013-05.htm#q-n-a ''Questions & Answers''] (Share International Magazine May 2013) *What kind of leadership Mrs Thatcher will provide remains to be seen... But one thing is clear enough at this stage – Mrs Thatcher is a bonny fighter. She believes in the ethic of hard work and big rewards for success. She has risen from humble origins by effort and ability and courage. She owes nothing to inherited wealth or privilege. She ought not to suffer, therefore, from that fatal and characteristic 20th-century Tory defect of guilt about wealth. All too often this has meant that the Tories have felt themselves to be at a moral disadvantage in the defence of capitalism against socialism. This is one reason why Britain has travelled so far down the collectivist road. What Mrs Thatcher ought to be able to offer is the missing moral dimension to the Tory attack on socialism. If she does so, her succession to the leadership could mark a sea-change in the whole character of party political debate in this country. **'[https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/1400333/How-we-saw-it-Margaret-Thatcher.html Disraeli's mantle]', ''[[w:The Daily Telegraph|The Daily Telegraph]]'' (12 February 1975) after Thatcher's election as Conservative leader *For us she is not the iron lady. She is the kind, dear Mrs. Thatcher. ** [[w:Alexander Dubcek|Alexander Dubcek]] (''Independent on Sunday'', Dec. 30, 1990) *She has towered over all her contemporaries... Her courage &ndash; intellectual, psychological and in the face of physical danger &ndash; is quite out of the ordinary. It is her unwavering purpose that has kept her government on their fixed course through the troughs as well as the crests of party and personal popularity. The temptation to take the easier path, to fudge, and to trim, are immense. She herself has never succumbed to it... Mrs Thatcher evokes admiration and detestation for one identical reason: she is 'big'. She has impressed herself on government as nobody has done since the war years of Churchill. She falls short of greatness, but she radiates dominance. I do not believe that in our lifetime we shall ever look upon her like again. **[[w:Samuel Finer|Samuel Finer]], quoted in Kenneth Minogue and Michael Biddiss (eds.), ''Thatcherism: Personality and Politics'' (1987), p. 140 *No other British Prime Minister would have won the Falklands War or the miners' strike. She showed unique resolution and clarity. She was terrifyingly inspiring. If she hadn't won, we'd be like Greece. **Tim Flesher, Private Secretary for Parliamentary Affairs to the Prime Minister from 1982-1986, quoted in Charles Moore, ''Margaret Thatcher. The Authorized Biography, Volume Two: Everything She Wants'' (2015), p. 181 [[File:Galtieri.jpg|thumb|upright|The blood that is spilling is not my responsibility. It is the responsibility of Mrs. 'No.']] * The blood that is spilling is not my responsibility. It is the responsibility of Mrs. 'No.' ** [[Leopoldo Galtieri]], [http://www.nytimes.com/1982/05/23/nyregion/quotation-of-the-day-157473.html "Quotation of the day"], ''The New York Times'' (May 23, 1982) * The Iron Lady was a great lady. She deserves applause. ** [[Valéry Giscard d'Estaing]] (22 November 1990), as quoted in {{harvnb|Dale|2012}} * She spoke like [[Elizabeth I of England|Queen Elizabeth I]]. She looked like Queen Elizabeth I. ** The diplomat [[w:David Goodall (diplomat)|David Goodall]] (1980), as quoted in [https://books.google.com/books?id=enJ1DQAAQBAJ&pg=PT36 The New Elizabethan Age: Culture, Society and National Identity after World War II] (2016) * Fortunately [[Friedrich Hayek|Hayek]] never had any influence on Thatcher's policies. (Her chief economic adviser in these years was Alan Walters, a [[Milton Friedman|Friedman]]-style monetarist.) Equally, and perhaps also happily, Thatcher had no understanding of Hayek's ideas. If it was true that she carried about with her for a time a copy of Hayek's magnum opus, ''[[The Constitution of Liberty]]'' (1960), she cannot have read its postscript, "Why I am not a Conservative", in which Hayek explains that he rejects conservatism because it lacks a vision of human progress. A case can be made that Thatcher was no conservative, either – at least if being conservative includes an aversion to policies that impose deep changes on inherited social institutions. But this is a view that goes only so far. Unlike Hayek, Thatcher understood and accepted the political limits of market economics. ** [[John Gray (philosopher)|John Gray]], [http://www.newstatesman.com/politics/2015/07/john-gray-friedrich-hayek-i-knew-and-what-he-got-right-and-wrong "The Friedrich Hayek I knew, and what he got right – and wrong"] (30 July 2015) *[N]o British Prime Minister for whom I worked would have got a better deal than Margaret Thatcher and several would probably have settled for something inferior. **[[w:David Hannay, Baron Hannay of Chiswick|David Hannay]] on Thatcher's fight for a rebate on the UK's contribution to the EEC budget, quoted in ''Britain's Quest for a Role: A Diplomatic Memoir from Europe to the UN'' (2012), p. 106 * Margaret Thatcher was the hardest-working head of Government I ever met. Her application was prodigious and she was always extraordinarily well briefed for every meeting. Whatever the subject, she could press her sometimes jarring and belligerent viewpoints with great authority, and for that I deeply respected her. ** [[w:Bob Hawke|Bob Hawke]], as quoted in {{harvnb|Dale|2012}} * It is Mrs Thatcher's great merit that she has broken with the Keynesian immorality of 'in the long run we are all dead' and to have concentrated on the long run future of the country irrespective of possible effects on the electors. Keynesian irresponsibility naturally appeals to the timid wets... Mrs Thatcher's courage makes her put the long run future of the country first. After being much too long restrained by the believers in the Muddle of the Middle, her new stature ought to enable her to guide us by her true vision. ** [[Friedrich Hayek]], letter to ''The Times'' (1 July 1982) *A mixture of a matron at a minor public school and a guard in a concentration camp. **[[Denis Healey]], interviewed for ''The Thatcher Factor'', quoted in John Campbell, ''Margaret Thatcher, Volume Two: The Iron Lady'' (2003), p. 472 *I have always admired you, because you are a true commitment politician, as I trust I am... Politically, I cannot be sorry that you are no longer PM. Yet in a personal sense I am terribly sorry as although I disagreed with you, no one could say you were not honest, courageous and with great integrity. **[[w:Eric Heffer|Eric Heffer]] to Thatcher (25 November 1990), quoted in Charles Moore, ''Margaret Thatcher. The Authorized Biography, Volume Three: Herself Alone'' (2019), p. 794 * You've got to put her in the same category as [[Mary I of England|Bloody Mary]], [[Elizabeth I of England|Queen Elizabeth I]], [[Anne of Great Britain|Queen Anne]] and [[Queen Victoria]]. However, she reminds me most of Queen Elizabeth I out of these four. Her handling of men is not dissimilar. I mean, if you had been a courtier of Queen Elizabeth I you would never have known quite whether you were going to get the treatment of an admired friend, or a poke in the eye with an umbrella. ** [[Quintin Hogg, Baron Hailsham of St Marylebone]], as quoted in {{harvnb|Dale|2012}} *She was motivated by a real sense of shame at what her country had become, and a manic sense of mission that never left her. She showed phenomenal energy and stamina, a readiness to fight rather than compromise, and, once engaged, an absolute refusal to haul up the white flag. Her achievements, judged simply in terms of what faced her in 1979, were truly astonishing. She knew what was happening to the country, but, unlike most of her contemporaries, she believed it could be saved. Ten years later she had been proved right about the country, the unions, the 1981 Budget, the Falklands, the miners, and right – in my view – about Europe and the single currency. She had transformed Britain's prospects where other politicians who had appeared cleverer, more experienced and more sophisticated had failed. **[[w:John Hoskyns|John Hoskyns]], ''Just in Time: Inside the Thatcher Revolution'' (2000), p. 403 * Margaret Thatcher was beyond argument a great Prime Minister. Her tragedy is that she may be remembered less for the brilliance of her many achievements than for the recklessness with which she later sought to impose her own increasingly uncompromising views. ** [[Geoffrey Howe]] (1994), as quoted in {{harvnb|Dale|2012}} *Whenever feminists have complained in my presence about neglect of female high-achievers, other than rock singers and courtesans, I always like to mention brilliant Margaret Thatcher. It always makes them furious. They can't bear to think of her as one of the most successful women of the 20th century. **[[Barry Humphries]], ‘[https://www.spectator.co.uk/article/diary---11-april-2013 Diary]’ (11 April 2013), ''The Spectator'' (13 April 2013) *Thatcherism wreaked the most heinous social, economic and spiritual damage upon this country... The basis to Thatcherism was that everything I had been taught to regard as a vice … under Thatcherism was in fact a virtue: greed, selfishness, no care for the weaker. **[[w:Glenda Jackson|Glenda Jackson]], quoted by [[Benjamin Creme]] in [http://www.share-international.org/magazine/old_issues/2013/2013-05.htm#q-n-a ''Questions & Answers''] (Share International Magazine May 2013) *History will surely recognise her achievements as Britain's first woman Prime Minister, a leader with the courage of her convictions who assailed the conventional wisdom of her day, challenged and overthrew the existing order, changed the political map, and put the country on its feet again. She did all this with ruthlessness and much injustice and at a high cost in human misery, but she did it. **[[w:Peter Jenkins (journalist)|Peter Jenkins]], ''The Independent'' (4 May 1989), quoted in Charles Moore, ''Margaret Thatcher. The Authorized Biography, Volume Three: Herself Alone'' (2019), pp. 298-299 * While I would not go so far as to say that Mrs. Thatcher had a coherent ideological agenda, she most certainly harbored dogmatic prejudices to which radical policies could be appended according to convenience and opportunity. Although anything but an intellectual herself, Margaret Thatcher was unusually attracted to intellectual men who could assist her in justifying and describing her own instincts—so long as they were themselves outsiders and not tarred with the brush of convention. Unlike the more moderate conservatives whose policies and ambitions she so devastatingly thwarted, Mrs. Thatcher was quite unprejudiced against Jews, showing something of a predilection for them in her choice of private advisors. Finally, and once again in contrast to her conservative predecessors, she was rather sympathetic to the writings of economists—but only and egregiously those from one particular school: Hayek and the Austrians. ** [[Tony Judt]], in Tony Judt and Timothy Snyder, ''Thinking the twentieth century'' (2012), Ch. 2: London and Language: English Writer *[The British armed forces responded to Mrs. Thatcher as war leader] in a way that hasn't been known since the time of Elizabeth I, with a passion and loyalty that few male generals have ever inspired or commanded. **[[w:John Keegan|John Keegan]] on Thatcher's role in the Falklands War, quoted in Antonia Fraser, ''The Warrior Queens: Boadicea's Chariot'' (2002), p. 353 * If Margaret Thatcher wins on Thursday, I warn you not to be ordinary. I warn you not to be young. I warn you not to fall ill. And I warn you not to grow old. ** [[Neil Kinnock]], speech on 7 June 1983 (two days before the 1983 general election), cited in the ''Oxford Dictionary of Modern Quotations'' (2007), p. 181. * Margaret Thatcher always gave me headaches. **[[w:Helmut Kohl|Helmut Kohl]], from his memoirs 1982–1990, cited in [http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/4403002.stm "Kohl lambasts 'ice-cold' Thatcher", ''BBC News'' (3 November 2005)] *Her great virtue is saying that two and two makes four, which is unpopular nowadays as it always has been. I adore Mrs Thatcher. At last politics make sense to me, which it hasn't since [[Stafford Cripps]]. **[[Philip Larkin]], interviewed by Graham Lord, ''The Sunday Express'' (8 August 1979), quoted in Iain Dale (ed.), ''As I Said to Denis...: The Margaret Thatcher Book of Quotations'' (1997), p. 128 and Charles Moore, ''Margaret Thatcher. The Authorized Biography, Volume Two: Everything She Wants'' (2015), p. 652 *What a superb creature she is – right and beautiful – few prime ministers are either. But the country will let her down, too idle and selfish. **[[Philip Larkin]] to [[Robert Conquest]] (23 December 1984), quoted in Philip Larkin, ''Selected Letters of Philip Larkin, 1940–1985'', ed. Anthony Thwaite (1992), p. 726 *Margaret was unusual, for a Tory leader, in actually warming to the Conservative Party – that is to say, the party in the country, rather than its Members of Parliament... [[Harold Macmillan]] had a contempt for the party, [[Alec Douglas-Home|Alec Home]] tolerated it, [[Edward Heath|Ted Heath]] loathed it. Margaret genuinely liked it. She felt a communion with it, one which later expanded to embrace the silent majority of the British people as a whole. **[[Nigel Lawson]], ''The View from No. 11: Memoirs of a Tory Radical'' (1992), p. 14 *The greatest Prime Minister this century toppled for no good reason, by pygmies. **[[w:James Lees-Milne|James Lees-Milne]], diary (25 November 1990), quoted in James Lees-Milne, ''Diaries, 1984–1997'', ed. Michael Bloch (2011) *From the military man's point of view she was an ideal Prime Minister... One wanted a decision and she gave it. **[[w:Terence Lewin|Admiral Lewin]], Chief of the Defence Staff, on Thatcher's role in the Falklands War, interviewed for ''The Downing Street Years'', BBC (1993), quoted in John Campbell, ''Margaret Thatcher, Volume Two: The Iron Lady'' (2003), p. 139 *If you fight a war, you want a great general. She was a great general. **[[w:Ian MacGregor|Ian MacGregor]] to Tim Bell, quoted in Charles Moore, ''Margaret Thatcher. The Authorized Biography, Volume Two: Everything She Wants'' (2015), p. 181 *She is an enemy of apartheid... We have much to thank her for. **[[Nelson Mandela]], quoted in James Henning, '[https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/politics/the-terrorist-and-the-tories-what-did-nelson-mandela-really-think-of-margaret-thatcher-8990872.html The 'terrorist' and the Tories: What did Nelson Mandela really think of Margaret Thatcher?]', ''The Independent'' (8 December 2013) * I think Margaret Thatcher started it, the greed thing, people just wanting more and more. ** [[w:George Martin|George Martin]], [http://news.yahoo.com/george-martin-revealed-his-one-regret-before-170746709.html interviewed] by [[w:Mark Ellen|Mark Ellen]] (2007) [[File:Reagan Mitterrand 1984 (cropped).jpg|thumb|upright|She has the eyes of Stalin and the voice of Marilyn Monroe.]] * She has the eyes of Stalin and the voice of Marilyn Monroe. ** [[w:François Mitterrand|François Mitterrand]], [[:w:President of France|President of France]], speaking of Prime Minister Thatcher to his former aide Jacques Attali. Usually misquoted as: ''She has the eyes of Caligula and the mouth of Marilyn Monroe.'' ** Cited by [http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/110663 the Margaret Thatcher Foundation] and by [http://www.theglobeandmail.com/community/inside-the-globe/thatcher-caligula-monroewait-did-i-hear-that-right-the-dangers-of-misquoting/article4101423/ ''The Globe and Mail'' (20 April 2012)] * Margaret Thatcher is the greatest living Englishwoman. **[[w:Charles Moore (journalist)|Charles Moore]], Mrs. Thatcher's authorised biographer, in [http://www.margaretthatcher.org/commentary/displaydocument.asp?docid=110596 'The mellowing of Margaret Thatcher', ''The Daily Telegraph'' (12 October 2005)] * She's the biggest bastard we have ever known. ** [[w:Sinn Féin|Sinn Féin]] politician [[w:Danny Morrison (Irish republican)|Danny Morrison]]'s description of her at the 1982 Sinn Féin Ard Fheis (party conference), quoted in Richard English, ''Armed Struggle: The History of the IRA'', pp. 207–208. * She's the Prime Minister who really wanted to be Queen. [[John Major|Major]]'s boring, the Prime Minister who wanted to be a train spotter. ** Impersonator [[w:Steve Nallon|Steve Nallon]] (BBC TV, 1993), as quoted in {{harvnb|Dale|2012}} *[Television interviewers] simply lack the guts or resourcefulness to stand up to a politician who combines the ''hauteur'' of [[Anthony Trollope|Trollope]]'s Mrs Proudie with the jugular instincts of a fishwife. **[[w:John Naughton|John Naughton]], quoted in Michael Cockerell, ''Live from Number 10: The Inside Story of Prime Ministers and Television'' (1989), p. 349 *The world has lost one of the great champions of freedom and liberty, and America has lost a true friend. As a grocer's daughter who rose to become Britain's first female prime minister, she stands as an example to our daughters that there is no glass ceiling that can't be shattered. As prime minister, she helped restore the confidence and pride that has always been the hallmark of Britain at its best. And as an unapologetic supporter of our transatlantic alliance, she knew that with strength and resolve we could win the Cold War and extend freedom's promise. **[[Barack Obama]], quoted in '[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-22071506 Margaret Thatcher dies: Reaction in quotes]', BBC News.co.uk (8 April 2013) *[D]uring the [Falklands] war her leadership had been superb... Mrs Thatcher started off as terribly vulnerable. At home her political position was weak. A bad reverse in the early days and her leadership might have had to be terminated. An actual naval defeat down in the Southern Atlantic would have toppled her and possibly even the whole government. She knew she was playing for enormous stakes. But once she faced them, she behaved outstandingly well. Some potential Prime Ministers might have accepted the invasion, decided not to throw the Argentines out, and worked out some compromise. I have never doubted that such a course would have been absolutely devastating for this country. Mrs Thatcher recognised that from the start, instinctively, and deserves credit for it. **[[w:David Owen|David Owen]], ''Personally Speaking to Kenneth Harris'' (1987), pp. 187, 199 *When the historians seek parallels for the counter-revolution which took place in Britain under Margaret Thatcher, I think they will compare what happened here with what happened to France under [[Charles de Gaulle|General de Gaulle]] from 1958–68. Both leaders challenged their countries to do better, to think bigger and to reverse their relative decline. Both leaders drew heavily on a strident nationalism to galvanize their nations. Through their own hubris, both were ignominiously brought down by the people on whom they had relied in order to exert immense and unprecedented power... Both leaders sought regeneration from within, building up national pride and eschewing dilution through a United States of Europe. **[[w:David Owen|David Owen]], ''Time to Declare'' (1991), pp. 799-800 *Someone once said that Margaret Thatcher satisfied the average Englishman's longing for the perfect dominatrix. No doubt about it, she could deliver pain. The Iron Lady should best be remembered as the Leather Lady. Indeed, today Thatcherism leaves its dreary imprint not only on the Conservative Party but---thanks also to Tony Blair---on a Labor Party that accepts most of her regressive policies. **[[Michael Parenti]], "Requiem for a Dominatrix" (2013) *Margaret Thatcher, when we first became aware of her, was middle class mimsy... What she's done over the years progressively is in fact get sexier, and much more powerful. The fabrics are richer, there's more bulk. She's adopted what most Englishwomen find very frightening, which is a sort of hard-edged French [[w:Chic|chic]]...there's a certain sort of unforgivingness to it, a certain arrogance. She has discovered for herself a sort of [[w:Power dressing|power dressing]]... Rather like a [[w:Hans Holbein the Younger|Holbein]] painting of [[Henry VIII of England|Henry VIII]], here was a figure which was saying: "I am powerful." What Margaret Thatcher is doing...is expressing power in dress... I think Margaret Thatcher is a ruler, who thinks of herself as a ruler... This is now expressed with...a complete confidence that this powerful person with an enormous presence is <small>ME</small>. **Brenda Polan, fashion journalist interviewed for ''The Thatcher Factor'' (1988), quoted in John Campbell, ''Margaret Thatcher, Volume Two: The Iron Lady'' (2003), pp. 475-476 *The Prime Minister, shortly after she came into office, received a soubriquet as the "Iron Lady". It arose in the context of remarks which she made about defence against the Soviet Union and its allies; but there was no reason to suppose that the right hon. Lady did not welcome and, indeed, take pride in that description. In the next week or two this House, the nation and the right hon. Lady herself will learn of what metal she is made. **[[Enoch Powell]], [https://api.parliament.uk/historic-hansard/commons/1982/apr/03/falkland-islands#S6CV0021P0_19820403_HOC_36 speech to Mrs. Thatcher in the House of Commons after Argentina's invasion of the Falkland Islands (3 April 1982)] *Is the right hon. Lady aware that the report has now been received from the public analyst on a certain substance recently subjected to analysis and that I have obtained a copy of the report? It shows that the substance under test consisted of ferrous matter of the highest quality, that it is of exceptional tensile strength, is highly resistant to wear and tear and to stress, and may be used with advantage for all national purposes? ** [[Enoch Powell]], [https://api.parliament.uk/historic-hansard/commons/1982/jun/17/engagements#S6CV0025P0_19820617_HOC_140 question to Mrs. Thatcher in the House of Commons after Britain's victory in the Falklands War (17 June 1982)]. Thatcher replied: "I agree with every word that he said". *When she trusts her instincts she's almost always right. When she stops to think she's all too often wrong. **[[Enoch Powell]], quoted in Patrick Cosgrave, ''Thatcher: The First Term'' (1985), p. 38 *The popularity of Lady Thatcher (as she later became) was due in part to the clarity of her public statements and her ability to persuade the electorate that her convictions corresponded to their wishes – particularity in matters of taxation and opportunity. Her unpopularity among the intellectual and media élite was due both to her right-wing philosophy and to her confrontational approach to those who disagreed with her. **[[Roger Scruton]], ''A Dictionary of Political Thought'' (1982; 2nd ed., 1996), p. 547 *To her supporters...Margaret Thatcher left Britain a renewed and invigorated force both at home and on the world stage. She reversed years of national decline. She made Britain again the essential ally of the United States, largely due to her personal relationship with [[Ronald Reagan|President Reagan]], and helped end the [[w:Cold War|Cold War]].. She turned around the economy and finally tamed the over-powerful unions, who had protected their own interests at the expense of the country's well-being for far too long. She radically overhauled the British state, taking power away from bureaucrats and putting it in the hands of the electorate, who came to enjoy a wealth and a standard of living that they had never known before. On coming to power she found Britain in tatters, and she gave it back its pride and confidence.<br>Her critics, however, are less kind. They point above all to her intensely divisive nature and question the efficacy of many of her policies. The "economic miracle" is largely a myth, they insist, suggesting that recovery was inevitable and that [[monetarism]] only prolonged the [[w:Early 1980s recession|recession of the early 1980s]]. Even when recovery came it proved unsustainable and was over-egged by [[Nigel Lawson|Lawson]] with her acquiescence, which then led to the harsh [[w:Early 1990s recession|recession of the 1990s]]. While a few became rich under Mrs Thatcher, many missed out on growing prosperity, and the gap between the rich and the poor, and north and south, widened considerably. **[[w:Anthony Seldon|Anthony Seldon]] and [[w:Peter Snowdon|Peter Snowdon]], ''The Conservative Party: An Illustrated History'' (2004), p. 118 * Thatcher could congratulate herself on being, in a very real sense, godmother to the Reagan–Gorbachev relationship. ** [[w:Gail Sheehy|Gail Sheehy]], author of the book ''Gorbachev: The Making of the Man Who Shook the World'' *Mrs Thatcher is beginning to reflect a genuine English nationalist feeling, a deep feeling about the English and how they see themselves in terms of their own history. **[[Peter Shore]], remarks to the Cabinet (19 February 1978), quoted in Tony Benn, ''Conflicts of Interest: Diaries 1977–80'' (1990), p. 282 *She has an instant appraisal of what you are trying to suggest to her and if you haven't done your homework she'll kill you stone dead – not with words but with a look. **[[w:Peter Sissons|Peter Sissons]], quoted in John Campbell, ''Margaret Thatcher, Volume Two: The Iron Lady'' (2003), p. 477 * [[Anders Behring Breivik|Mr. Breivik]], his writings suggest, would have been reluctant to describe himself as a [[fascist]] — a common feature of European {{w|far-right}} discourse. He wrote: "I equate multiculturalism with the other hate-ideologies: Nazism (anti-Jewish), communism (anti-individualism) and Islam (anti-Kaffir)." These ideas, it is important to note, were echoes of ideas in mainstream European neo-conservatism. In 1978, the former British Prime Minister, Margaret Thatcher, famously referred to popular fears that Britain "might be swamped by people of a different culture." In 1989, Ms Thatcher asserted that "human rights did not begin with the French Revolution." Instead, they "really stem from a mixture of Judaism and Christianity"— in other words, faith, not reason. ** [[Praveen Swami]], ''[https://www.thehindu.com/opinion/lead/anders-breivik-europes-blind-right-eye/article2290619.ece Anders Breivik & Europe's blind right eye]'' (July 25, 2011), ''{{w|The Hindu}} * I think her greatest achievement is to have made people believe that the impossible is possible. That the things which were said in 1979 to be beyond resolution, the problem of the trade unions for example, she boldly took it on and she did it. If politicians can learn that lesson from her, that there is no problem which is too big to be solved, then she's contributed something enormously important to our life. ** [[Norman Tebbit]], on ''The Thatcher Factor'' (Channel 4, December 1990), as quoted in {{harvnb|Dale|2012}} *My impression still is that Mrs Thatcher has failed fully to grasp one of the clearest truths about British politics in the 20th century – the truth that the British people are not that much concerned about [[capitalism]] (though they are perfectly happy to accept its advantages); in the abstract, they do not understand or like it. They only become enthusiastic for it when it is presented in a patriotic context. [[Joseph Chamberlain|Joe Chamberlain]] knew this; the last Conservative politician to have known it with perfection is [[Enoch Powell]]. After that came Margaret Thatcher. She also knows it. Why they like her is because she "speaks for Britain", not because she is a very good economist (though she is probably as bright as any of that bunch), but because she expresses the sentiments and prejudices of the British people. **[[w:T. E. Utley|T. E. Utley]], 'Bewildered but still loyal', ''The Daily Telegraph'' (19 October 1981), quoted in Charles Moore and Simon Heffer (eds.), ''A Tory Seer: The Selected Journalism of T. E. Utley'' (1989), p. 71 *The other element in [[w:Thatcherism|Thatcherism]] is supposed to be the wish to restore Britain as a great power in the world. By this Mrs. Thatcher does not mean primarily a power devoted to the preservation of its own interests. She belongs to that militant Whig branch of English Conservatism which took over when [[Winston Churchill|Churchill]] became Prime Minister in 1940. This is to say that her view of foreign policy has a high moral content or, in other words, that she likes to devote herself to large and distant causes – the freedom of Afghanistan rather than the security of Ulster. She is suspicious about the [[w:European Economic Community|Common Market]], but seems prepared to swallow its consequences (e.g. the [[w:Single European Act|Single European Act]]) so long as the blame for them can be attributed to the [[w:Foreign, Commonwealth and Development Office|Foreign Office]]. I believe that she went into the Falklands with reluctance and regret and that, having done so, she carried it off with a courage and skill of which no other Prime Minister, possibly including Churchill, would have been capable. In terms of theory, however, she has contributed nothing new to the discussion of Britain's role in the world. Margaret Thatcher is a great Prime Minister, great by virtue of her courage and by virtue of what ideologues would often, misguidedly, describe as her "low political cunning". **[[w:T. E. Utley|T. E. Utley]], 'Monstrous invention', ''The Spectator'' (9 August 1986), quoted in Charles Moore and Simon Heffer (eds.), ''A Tory Seer: The Selected Journalism of T. E. Utley'' (1989), pp. 77-78 *It was because she offered ‘earnest and practical dissent’ to progressive orthodoxy. Mrs Thatcher is the point at which all snobberies meet: intellectual snobbery, social snobbery, the snobbery of [[w:Brooks's|Brooks's]], the snobbery about scientists among those educated in the arts, the snobbery of the metropolis about the provincial, the snobbery of the South about the North, and the snobbery of men about women. **[[w:John Vincent (historian)|John Vincent]], 'Margaret Thatcher: Her Place in History', ''Contemporary Record'', vol. 1, no. 3, (1987), pp. 23–24 *In 1980 and 1981 Mrs Thatcher's team (but not the Cabinet) wrestled with the question of how to stop [[inflation]]. The new ingredient was courage. Other governments had enforced restraint or cut proposed spending increases. What was wholly exceptional was a government willing to persevere with, indeed intensify, [[w:Deflation|deflationary]] measures while the bottom fell out of the market. Austerity in prosperity is merely prudent; austerity in adversity requires the courage to put all ordinary political considerations in temporary abeyance. It was this courage of [[w:Economic liberalism|economic liberalism]] of 1979, which marked out a new determination by government to govern. The new regime of 1979 had not involved any real test of political will, for economic liberalism was and is as uncontentious as any great reversal of assumptions can be. Few, in 1986, were still sighing for the price, wage, dividend and exchange controls of the 1970s. Changing the economic culture was the easy bit. Reducing inflation by a mixture of fiscal and monetary measures, a problem in financial technology, was a far more desperate business... If 1981 was crucial, which it was, it was as a triumph of political will, not of economic doctrine. **[[w:John Vincent (historian)|John Vincent]], 'The Thatcher Governments, 1979–1987', in Peter Hennessy and Anthony Seldon (eds.), ''Ruling Performance: British Governments from Attlee to Thatcher'' (1987), pp. 285-286 *Mrs Thatcher fits the rule that there are no bad Prime Ministers. She may lack [[Edward Heath|Heath]]'s architectonic sense, but more than makes up for it in persuasiveness and electioneering flair. She lacks [[James Callaghan|Callaghan]]'s fatalism, most certainly, but not his caution. She has [[Anthony Eden|Eden]]'s wish to meddle, but with the energy to support it. If in many ways she is under-read, her appetite for official papers exceeds that of almost all her predecessors. Had she lost the [[w:1987 United Kingdom general election|1987 election]], she would have looked like a curious aberration; since she won, she will be seen as marking a change of epochs, whatever her individual qualities. Whatever the future holds, she will go down as one of history's great improbabilities. For the present, it is perhaps safest to assert that she is the only Prime Minister to cook for her private secretaries when they are working late. She may have slain yesterday's dragon, not today's: her battle was with an archaic union-based [[socialism]], not a pervasive middle-class [[liberalism]]. Still, the dragon looked anything but slayable in 1975, and the work had to be done, with but few helpers in her own party. She may outlive the context which made her relevant, but in the process bequeath a broad national governing party. The measure of her achievement is that she has made [[w:Thatcherism|Thatcherism]] unnecessary. **[[w:John Vincent (historian)|John Vincent]], 'The Thatcher Governments, 1979–1987', in Peter Hennessy and Anthony Seldon (eds.), ''Ruling Performance: British Governments from Attlee to Thatcher'' (1987), pp. 292-293 *Her strong points were her iron will. I've never known a will like it in politics and I've known a few politicians in my time in various countries. I've never known a man or woman faintly like her, she was as tough as they come, and anything that required guts and will she could do for you. Anything that required sensitivity, she couldn't, she had none. **[[w:Brian Walden|Brian Walden]] on the [http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/programmes/the_westminster_hour/3632305.stm BBC's ''Westminster Hour'' (16 April 2004)] *[She has a] patronising elocution voice [and] neat well-groomed clothes and hair, packaged together in a way that's not exactly vulgar, just ''low''. [It fills me with] a kind of rage. **[[w:Mary Warnock, Baroness Warnock|Baroness Warnock]], quoted in Shirley Letwin, ''The Anatomy of Thatcherism'' (1992), pp. 319-20. *Brezhnev took Afghanistan. / Begin took Beirut. / Galtieri took the Union Jack. / And Maggie, over lunch one day, / Took a cruiser with all hands. / Apparently, to make him give it back. **[[Roger Waters]], lyrics of ''[[w:Get Your Filthy Hands Off My Desert|Get Your Filthy Hands Off My Desert]]'' by Pink Floyd, about the sinking of cruiser [[w:ARA General Belgrano|ARA General Belgrano]] *In Margaret Thatcher, however, Britain had a Prime Minister who was not going to allow peripheral circumstances to get in the way of grim reality... She was faced with making the final, historically momentous decision to permit us to go in and establish a beach-head [on the Falklands]... I am clear that this was easily the biggest single military decision she had to take... There may have been a few politicians, ministers or even servicemen who still doubted her resolve. But Margaret Thatcher never shirked a hard decision. And when asked for her verdict, just a few hours from now, she would not falter. **[[w:Sandy Woodward|Admiral Woodward]], Commander of the British Naval Task Force, ''One Hundred Days'' (2012), pp. 330–331 *When she became leader of the Opposition in 1975...a meeting...was arranged... She won me over. The strength of her determination and the simplicity of her rational ideas uncluttered by intellectual confusion convinced me that she was the first party leader I had met, apart from [[Hugh Gaitskell|Gaitskell]], who might check Britain's slide and possibly begin to reverse it. She did not seem much like a Tory but she had the Tory Party to work for her, which was a useful start... Mrs Thatcher is a radical of practical [[w:Manchester liberalism|Manchester Liberal]] descent. She believes that [[Karl Marx|Marx]] and other economic theorists have not extinguished [[Adam Smith]]'s truths... Mrs Thatcher has had to puncture illusions and force unpleasant facts on reluctant listeners dreaming of a lazy Utopia, agreeable but unobtainable. **[[w:Woodrow Wyatt|Woodrow Wyatt]], ''Confessions of an Optimist'' (1987), pp. 343–344 ==See also== * [[Diana Gould]], who had a televised confrontation with Mrs Thatcher in 1983 ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{wikisource author}} {{wikinews|Margaret Thatcher}} {{commons|Margaret Thatcher}} * {{cite book |editor-last=Dale |editor-first=Iain |editor-link=w:Iain Dale |year=2012 |title=The Margaret Thatcher Book of Quotations |url=https://books.google.com/books?id=vPatAwAAQBAJ |publisher=Biteback Publishing |isbn=978-1-84954-465-8 |ref=harv}} * {{cite book |editor-last=Blundell |editor-first=John |editor-link=w:John Blundell (economist) |year=2013 |title=Remembering Margaret Thatcher: Commemorations, Tributes, and Assessments |url=https://books.google.com/books?id=4MYn9j-gftAC |publisher=Algora Publishing |isbn=978-1-62894-017-6}} * [http://www.margaretthatcher.org/ Margaret Thatcher Foundation] * [http://www.procapitalism.com/htms/opeds01.htm#dcam Margaret Thatcher in Procapitalism Op-Eds 2006.] * [http://www.badley.info/history/Thatcher-Margaret-Hilda-Great-Britain.biog.html Margaret Thatcher Chronology World History Database] * [http://www.haroldhill.org/chapter-three/margaret-thatcher-reggae-royalty-riots.htm Margaret Thatcher: Reggae, Royalty and Riots] {{DEFAULTSORT:Thatcher, Margaret}} [[Category:British Prime Ministers]] [[Category:Academics from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:British peers]] [[Category:English chemists]] [[Category:English lawyers]] [[Category:Women in law]] [[Category:Memoirists from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Autobiographers from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Women authors]] [[Category:1925 births]] [[Category:2013 deaths]] [[Category:Conservative Party (UK) politicians]] [[Category:Critics of the European Union]] [[Category:Anti-communists]] [[Category:Anglicans from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:British women]] [[Category:Women politicians]] [[Category:Presidential Medal of Freedom recipients]] [[Category:Women born in the 20th century]] cbbq96whfee633il7j91h1q77kiapln 3153169 3153028 2022-08-10T09:59:38Z Coningsby 10755 /* Quotes about Thatcher */ wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Margaret Thatcher in Israel.jpg|thumb|upright=1.2|You know, if you just set out to be liked, you would be prepared to compromise on anything, wouldn't you, at any time? And you would achieve nothing!]] '''[[w:Margaret Thatcher|Margaret Thatcher]]''' ([[13 October]] [[1925]] – [[8 April]] [[2013]]) was the first female [[w:Prime Minister of the United Kingdom|Prime Minister]] of the [[United Kingdom]]. She was in office from 1979 to 1990. ==Quotes== ===1940s=== *[Thatcher] began by asking what benefits ordinary people had received after 3½ years of Socialism. The Government should do what any good housewife would do if money was short—look at their accounts and see what was wrong. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/100821 Speech at her adoption meeting as Conservative candidate for Dartford (28 February 1949) ] *Don't be scared of the high language of economists and Cabinet ministers, but think of politics at our own household level. After all, women live in contact with food supplies, housing shortages, and the ever-decreasing opportunities for children, and we must therefore face up to the position, remembering that as more power is taken away from the people, so there is less responsibility for us to assume. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/100836 Speech to Bexley Conservative Women (15 September 1949)] ===1950s=== *It was not a Government that built up the skill and craft of this country...It was private individuals who patiently persevered, building up their businesses bit by bit...Their success provided employment for others and greatly benefited the community as a whole. This was the spirit that made England great and can restore her once again. Do you want it to perish for a soul-less Socialist system, or to live to recreate a glorious Britain? **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/100856 Article for ''Gravesend and Dartford Reporter'' (28 January 1950)] *We have reached a crisis in world history, a crisis which demands swift and certain action...We believe in the freedom of the democratic way of life. ''If we serve that idea faithfully with tenacity of purpose, we have nothing to fear from Russian Communism''...Communism seizes power by force, not by free choice of the people. The democratic nations must therefore have forces with which to fight it so that choice of government may be free. In the light of these convictions our task is clear. We must firstly believe in the Western way of life and serve it steadfastly. Secondly we must build up our fighting strength to be prepared to defend our ideals, for aggressive nations understand only the threat of force. The situation is already grave, but much is possible for a nation with clear intentions and the ability to carry them into action. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/100896 New Year Message as Conservative candidate for Dartford (29 December 1950)] *Every Conservative desires peace. The threat to peace comes from Communism, which has powerful forces ready to attack anywhere. Communism waits for weakness, it leaves strength alone. Britain therefore must be strong, strong in arms, and strong in faith in her own way of life. The greatest hope for peace lies in friendship and co-operation with the United States of America. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/100912 1951 General Election Address (8 October 1951)] ===Backbench MP=== * In considering our traditional ties with the Commonwealth we should remember that it now differs greatly from the entity which existed 20 or 30 years ago. Many of us do not feel quite the same allegiance to Archbishop Makarios or Doctor Nkrumah or to people like Jomo Kenyatta as we do towards Mr. Menzies of Australia. ** [http://www.margaretthatcher.org/speeches/displaydocument.asp?docid=101105 Speech to Finchley Conservatives (14 August 1961)] * '''In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman.''' ** Speech to members of the National Union of Townswomen’s Guilds, delivered at the Royal Albert Hall (May 20, 1965) ; as quoted in ''Why Women Should Rule the World'', HarperCollins (2008), Dee Dee Myers, p. 227 : <small> {{ISBN|0061140406}}, 9780061140402 </small>. The [http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/101374 Margaret Thatcher Foundation] gives the following additional information : ''MT spoke on the theme ‘Woman – No Longer a Satellite.’ The Evening News report of this speech is the origin of a phrase often attributed to her : ‘In politics, ...'' (etc., as above).’ *It is good to recall how our freedom has been gained in this country—not by great abstract campaigns but through the objections of ordinary men and women to having their money taken from them by the State. In the early days, people banded together and said to the then Government, “You shall not take our money before you have redressed our grievances”. It was their money, their wealth, which was the source of their independence against the Government. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/101586 Speech to Conservative Party Conference (20 October 1967)] *Our freedoms depended on our having independence, independence in the wage packet, and independence of the Government...If you rely always on a Government for your wage packet, then the source of your independence to fight that Government has gone...Already one person in four works in the public sector. This is more than enough, and we must stop the encroachment from going any further. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/101586 Speech to Conservative Party Conference (20 October 1967)] *The...philosophical reason for which we are against nationalisation and for private enterprise is because we believe that economic progress comes from the inventiveness, ability, determination and the pioneering spirit of extraordinary men and women. If they cannot exercise that spirit here, they will go away to another free enterprise country which will then make more economic progress than we do. We ought, in fact, to be encouraging small firms and small companies, because the extent to which innovation comes through these companies is tremendous. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/101586 Speech to Conservative Party Conference (20 October 1967)] *One of the effects of the rapid spread of higher education has been to equip people to criticise and question almost everything. Some of them seem to have stopped there instead of going on to the next stage which is to arrive at new beliefs or to reaffirm old ones. You will perhaps remember seeing in the press the report that the student leader [[w:Daniel Cohn-Bendit|Daniel Cohn-Bendit]] has been awarded a degree on the result of his past work. His examiners said that he had posed a series of most intelligent questions. Significant? '''I would have been happier had he also found a series of intelligent answers'''. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/101632 Conservative Political Centre Lecture (11 October 1968)] ===Education Secretary=== * I started life with two great advantages: no money, and good parents. ** On a 1971 TV interview, when asked if she understands ordinary people's problems. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tanJYrIh7VU&feature=youtu.be&t=47s] * I don't think there will be a woman Prime Minister in my lifetime. **On ''Val meets the V.I.P.s'', [http://www.margaretthatcher.org/speeches/displaydocument.asp?docid=101992 BBC Television (5 March 1973)] * [[Parent]]s can best exert [[influence]] through [[local]] [[authorities]] * If you really don't like it, and if your [[child]] isn't progressing, have a word with the [[head teacher]]. And if you're still not satisfied, or feel that you want your child to go to a [[school ]] with a different kind of [[philosophy]] and approach—the only thing is to approach your [[education]] authority and have him transferred to another school, though an extra change of school is not always good for a child ** As the [[Minister of Education]] "[https://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/101823 MRS THATCHER CALLS UP PARENT POWER]" (April 8, 1973) ===Shadow Secretary for Environment=== * I wish I could say that the Chancellor of the Exchequer had done himself less than justice. Unfortunately, I can only say that I believe he has done himself justice. Some Chancellors are [[macro-economic]]. Other Chancellors are fiscal. This one is just plain cheap. **On [[Denis Healey]], in a [http://www.margaretthatcher.org/speeches/displaydocument.asp?docid=102591 remark in the House of Commons (22 January 1975)] *I was attacked for fighting a rearguard action in defence of “middle-class interests.”...Well, if “middle class values” include the encouragement of variety and individual choice, the provision of fair incentives and rewards for skill and hard work, the maintenance of effective barriers against the excessive power of the State and a belief in the wide distribution of individual '' private'' property, then they are certainly what I am trying to defend. This is not a fight for “privilege”; it is a fight for freedom—freedom for '' every'' citizen. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/speeches/displaydocument.asp?docid=102600 Article for Daily Telegraph ("My Kind of Tory Party") (30 January 1975)] * If a Tory does not believe that private property is one of the main bulwarks of individual freedom, then he had better become a socialist and have done with it. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/speeches/displaydocument.asp?docid=102600 Article for Daily Telegraph ("My Kind of Tory Party") (30 January 1975)] *This is not a confrontation between ‘left’ and ‘right’. I am trying to represent the deep feelings of those many thousands of rank-and-file Tories in the country—and potential Conservative voters, too—who feel let down by our party and find themselves unrepresented in a political vacuum. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/102605 Speech in Finchley (31 January 1975)] *In the desperate situation of Britain today, our party needs the support of all who value the traditional ideals of Toryism: compassion, and concern for the individual and his freedom; opposition to excessive State power; the right of the enterprising, the hard-working and the thrifty to succeed and to reap the rewards of success and pass some of them on to their children; encouragement of that infinite diversity of choice that is an essential of freedom; the defence of widely-distributed private property against the Socialist State; the right of a man to work without oppression by either employer or trade union boss. There is a widespread feeling in the country that the Conservative party has not defended these ideals explicitly and toughly enough, so that Britain is set on a course towards inevitable Socialist mediocrity. That course must not only be halted, it must be reversed. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/102605 Speech in Finchley (31 January 1975)] *Our challenge is to create the kind of economic background which enables private initiative and private enterprise to flourish for the benefit of the consumer, employee, the pensioner, and society as a whole...I believe we should judge people on merit and not on background. I believe the person who is prepared to work hardest should get the greatest rewards and keep them after tax. That we should back the workers and not the shirkers: that it is not only permissible but praiseworthy to want to benefit your own family by your own efforts **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/102484 Speech at Young Conservative Conference (8 February 1975)] ===Leader of the Opposition=== *'''I place a profound belief—indeed a fervent faith—in the virtues of self reliance and personal independence'''. On these is founded the whole case for the free society, for the assertion that human progress is best achieved by offering the freest possible scope for the development of individual talents, qualified only by a respect for the qualities and the freedom of others...For many years there has been a subtle erosion of the essential virtues of the free society. Self-reliance has been sneered at as if it were an absurd suburban pretention. Thrift has been denigrated as if it were greed. The desire of parents to choose and to struggle for what they themselves regarded as the best possible education for their children has been scorned. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/102655 Speech to Conservative Central Council (15 March 1975)] *I do not believe, in spite of all this, that the people of this country have abandoned their faith in the qualities and characteristics which made them a great people. Not a bit of it. We are still the same people. All that has happened is that we have temporarily lost confidence in our own strength. We have lost sight of the banners. The trumpets have given an uncertain sound. '''It is our duty, our purpose, to raise those banners high, so that all can see them, to sound the trumpets clearly and boldly so that all can hear them.''' Then we shall not have to convert people to our principles. They will simply rally to those which truly are their own. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/102655 Speech to Conservative Central Council (15 March 1975)] *This Party of ours has been on the defensive for too long. The time has come to counter-attack...The intellectual counter-attack is as important as the counter-attack in Parliament and in the constituencies. If we can win the battle of ideas, then the war will already be half-won. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/102663 Speech to Federation of Conservative Students Conference (24 March 1975)] *'''I shall never stop fighting. I mean this country to survive, to prosper and to be free'''...I haven't fought the destructive forces of socialism for more than twenty years in order to stop now, when the critical phase of the struggle is upon us. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/102663 Speech to Federation of Conservative Students Conference (24 March 1975)] *This is what we believe. **Remarks on ''The Constitution of Liberty'' by F. A. Hayek during a visit to the Conservative Research Department (summer 1975), quoted in John Ranelagh, ''Thatcher's People'' (London: HarperCollins, 1991), p. ix. *Detente sounds a fine word. And, to the extent that there really has been a relaxation in international tension, it is a fine thing. But the fact remains that throughout this decade of detente, the armed forces of the Soviet Union have increased, are increasing, and show no signs of diminishing. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/102750 Speech to Chelsea Conservative Association (26 July 1975)] *They are arrayed against every principle for which we stand. So when the Soviet leaders jail a writer, or a priest, or a doctor or a worker, for the crime of speaking freely, it is not only for humanitarian reasons that we should be concerned. For these acts reveal a regime that is afraid of truth and liberty; it dare not allow its people to enjoy the freedoms we take for granted, and a nation that denies those freedoms to its own people will have few scruples in denying them to others. If detente is to progress then it ought to mean that the Soviet authorities relax their ruthless opposition to all forms and expressions of dissent. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/102750 Speech to Chelsea Conservative Association (26 July 1975)] *The whole history of negotiation with the Soviet Union teaches us that if you do something they want without insisting on something in return, the Soviets do not regard it as a kindness to be reciprocated, but as a weakness to be exploited. There is a lot of fashionable nonsense talked about how we misunderstand Communism, misrepresent Communism, see Communists under every bed. An attempt is being made, it seems, to create an atmosphere where truth and commonsense on these matters is actively discouraged. I believe the people of this country understand better the truth of the matter than those who try to mislead them. We must work for a real relaxation of tension, but in our negotiations with the Eastern bloc we must not accept words or gestures as a substitute for genuine detente. No flood of words emanating from a summit conference will mean anything unless it is accompanied by some positive action by which the Soviet leaders show that their ingrained attitudes are really beginning to change. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/102750 Speech to Chelsea Conservative Association (26 July 1975)] *What are the lessons then that we've learned from the last thirty years? First, that the pursuit of equality itself is a mirage. What's more desirable and more practicable than the pursuit of equality is the pursuit of equality of opportunity. And opportunity means nothing unless it includes the right to be unequal and the freedom to be different. One of the reasons that we value individuals is not because they're all the same, but because they're all different. I believe you have a saying in the Middle West: ‘Don't cut down the tall poppies. Let them rather grow tall.’ '''I would say, let our children grow tall and some taller than others if they have the ability in them to do so.''' Because we must build a society in which each citizen can develop his full potential, both for his own benefit and for the community as a whole, a society in which originality, skill, energy and thrift are rewarded, in which we encourage rather than restrict the variety and richness of human nature. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/102769 Speech to the Institute of SocioEconomic Studies (15 September 1975)] *I am all for the spirit behind this, for easier contacts and the freer movement of people. I am for détente—who is not? '''I am also for ''attente'', for wanting to see results; for not letting down our guard; for keeping our powder dry.''' Let them show us that they will practise what they preach, about reducing the threat of war, about non-intervention in the internal affairs of other countries. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/102462 Speech to Pilgrims of the United States (16 September 1975)] regarding the Soviet Union *In every generation there comes a moment to choose, and for too long we've chosen the soft option. And it's brought us pretty low. There are some signs now that our people are prepared to make the tough choice and to follow the harder road. We're still the same people that have fought for freedom, and won, and the spirit of adventure, the inventiveness, the determination are still strands in our character. '''We may suffer from a British sickness now, but we have a British constitution and it's still sound, and we have British hearts and a British will to win through. I believe in Britain. I believe in the British people. I believe in our future.''' **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/102770 Speech to the National Press Club (19 September 1975)] * '''And I will go on criticising Socialism''', and opposing Socialism because it is bad for Britain – and Britain and Socialism are not the same thing...It's the Labour Government that have brought us record peace-time taxation. '''They’ve got the usual Socialist disease – they’ve run out of other people's money.''' ** [http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/102777 Speech to the Conservative Party Conference (10 October 1975)] ** The last sentence is widely paraphrased as "The trouble/problem with socialism is that eventually you run out of other people's money." *I sometimes think the Labour Party is like a pub where the mild is running out. If someone doesn't do something soon, all that's left will be bitter. (Laughter). And all that's bitter will be Left. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/102777 Speech to the Conservative Party Conference (10 October 1975)] *Let me give you my vision. A man's right to work as he will to spend what he earns to own property to have the State as servant and not as master these are the British inheritance. They are the essence of a free economy. And on that freedom all our other freedoms depend. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/102777 Speech to the Conservative Party Conference (10 October 1975)] * Some Socialists seem to believe that people should be numbers in a State computer. We believe they should be individuals. '''We are all unequal. No one, thank heavens, is like anyone else''', however much the Socialists may pretend otherwise. '''We believe that everyone has the right to be unequal but to us every human being is equally important.''' ** [http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/102777 Speech to the Conservative Party Conference (10 October 1975)] *She's ruled by a dictatorship of patient, far-sighted determined men who are rapidly making their country the foremost naval and military power in the world. They are not doing this solely for the sake of self-defence. A huge, largely land-locked country like Russia does not need to build the most powerful navy in the world just to guard its own frontiers. No. '''The Russians are bent on world dominance, and they are rapidly acquiring the means to become the most powerful imperial nation the world has seen. The men in the Soviet politburo don't have to worry about the ebb and flow of public opinion. They put guns before butter, while we put just about everything before guns.''' They know that they are a super power in only one sense&mdash;the military sense. They are a failure in human and economic terms. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/speeches/displaydocument.asp?docid=102939 Speech at Kensington Town Hall ("Britain Awake") (19 January 1976)] **In response to this speech, the Soviet Army newspaper ''Red Star'' labelled Thatcher "the Iron Lady," a moniker that would stick for the remainder of her political career. *We are fighting a major internal war against terrorism in Northern Ireland, and need more troops in order to win it. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/speeches/displaydocument.asp?docid=102939 Speech at Kensington Town Hall ("Britain Awake") (19 January 1976)] *The Socialists tell us that there are massive profits in a particular industry and they should not go to the shareholders—but that the public should reap the benefits. Benefits? What benefits? '''When you take into public ownership a profitable industry, the profits soon disappear. The goose that laid the golden eggs goes broody. State geese are not great layers.''' The steel industry was nationalised some years ago in the public interest—yet the only interest now left to the public is in witnessing the depressing spectacle of their money going down the drain at a rate of a million pounds a day. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/102947 Speech to Finchley Conservatives (31 January 1976)] *Socialists then shift the ground for taking industries into “public ownership”. They then tell us that some industries cannot survive any longer unless they are taken into public ownership, allegedly to protect the public from the effects of their collapse. It all sounds so cosy, and so democratic. But is it true? No, of course it isn't. The moment ownership passes into the name of the public is the moment the public ceases to have any ownership or accountability, and often the moment when it ceases to get what it wants. But it is invariably the moment when the public starts to pay. Pays to take the industry over. Pays the losses by higher taxes. Pays for inefficiencies in higher prices. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/102947 Speech to Finchley Conservatives (31 January 1976)] * '''Socialist governments traditionally do make a financial mess. They always run out of other people's money. It's quite a characteristic of them.''' ** [http://www.margaretthatcher.org/speeches/displaydocument.asp?docid=102953 TV interview for Thames TV ''This Week'' (5 February 1976)] *We know what we want to do as a Conservative Party. There are two ways to run a country. One is towards Socialist Marxism and the other is to a free society. The more you have nationalisation and the more the State takes choice away from the people, the further you are going to the total Socialist Marxist society. The more you do that, the more you relinquish your freedom and income to the State. ** [https://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/102833 Speech to Taunton Conservatives (20 February 1976)] *There are others who warn not only of the threat from without, but of something more insidious, not readily perceived, not always deliberate, something that is happening here at home. What are they pointing to? '''They are pointing to the steady and remorseless expansion of the Socialist State.''' Now none of us would claim that the majority of Socialists are inspired by other than humanitarian and well-meaning ideals. At the same time few would, I think, deny today that they have made a monster that they can't control. Increasingly, inexorably, the State the Socialists have created is becoming more random in the economic and social justice it seeks to dispense, more suffocating in its effect on human aspirations and initiative, more politically selective in its defence of the rights of its citizens, more gargantuan in its appetite—and more disastrously incompetent in its performance. Above all, it poses a growing threat, however unintentional, to the freedom of this country, for there is no freedom where the State totally controls the economy. '''Personal freedom and economic freedom are indivisible. You can't have one without the other. You can't lose one without losing the other.''' **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/102990 Speech to Conservative Central Council ("The Historic Choice") (20 March 1976)] *Every step this Socialist Government takes to seize more power over our daily lives diminishes those lives and the freedom which is their essence and their strength. One of our principal and continuing priorities when we are returned to office will be to restore the freedoms which the Socialists have usurped. Let them learn that it is not a function of the State to possess as much as possible. It is not a function of the State to grab as much as it can get away with. It is not a function of the State to act as ring-master, to crack the whip, dictate the load which all of us must carry or say how high we may climb. It is not a function of the State to ensure that no-one climbs higher than anyone else. '''All that is the philosophy of Socialism. We reject it utterly for, however well-intended, it leads in one direction only: to the erosion and finally the destruction of the democratic way of life.''' **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/102990 Speech to Conservative Central Council ("The Historic Choice") (20 March 1976)] *We have brought three words—freedom, choice, opportunity—into the centre of the political debate. And we have exposed the language of Socialism, the gloss they put on words to conceal their true meaning. For instance, Socialists say “publicly owned”. What they mean is “State controlled”. Socialists say “Government aid”. What they mean is “taxpayers' aid”. Socialists say “social justice”. What they mean is “selective justice”. Socialists say “equality.” What they mean is “levelling down”. Why do they twist the truth like this? Because they dare not spell out the Socialist reality. One way to destroy capitalism, said Lenin, was to devalue its currency. Another way is to debase its language. Whenever we can, let us, like [[Martin Luther|Luther]], nail the truth to the door—and let us do it in unambiguous English. These are the opening rounds in the battle of ideas. It is a battle that we are winning. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/102990 Speech to Conservative Central Council ("The Historic Choice") (20 March 1976)] *There is no such thing as “safe” Socialism. If it's safe, it's not Socialism. And if it's Socialism, it's not safe. The signposts of Socialism point downhill to less freedom, less prosperity, downhill to more muddle, more failure. If we follow them to their destination, they will lead this nation into bankruptcy. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/102990 Speech to Conservative Central Council ("The Historic Choice") (20 March 1976)] *Our aim is not just to remove our uniquely incompetent Government from office—it is to destroy the socialist fallacies—indeed the whole fallacy of socialism—that the Labour Party exists to spread. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/103017 Speech to Junior Carlton Club Political Council (4 May 1976)] *In some European countries, we now see Communist parties dressed in democratic clothes and speaking with soft voices. Of course we hope that their oft-proclaimed change of heart is genuine. But every child in Europe knows the story of little Red Riding Hood and what happened to her in her grandmother's cottage in the forest. '''Despite the new look of these Communist parties, despite the softness of their voices, we should be on the watch for the teeth and the appetite of the wolf.''' **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/103034 Speech to Christian Democratic Union Conference (25 May 1976)] *Under the Socialists, rapid strides have been taken towards the Iron Curtain State. We have seen increased nationalisation measures, increased powers of central Government over both large and small companies, increased levels of tax on the pay packet and on savings alike, and an increased proportion of the national income spent not by the wage-earner but by the Government or Government agencies. In the result, the Prime Minister has become the first Socialist Minister since the Chancellor of the Exchequer in 1951 to say that his policies will mean a reduced standard of living for our people...it is clear that Socialist systems are not good at creating wealth; they can only spend the wealth that others create. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/103046 Speech in the House of Commons (9 June 1976)] *The Labour Party has now been taken over by extremists...The Labour Party is now committed to a programme which is frankly and unashamedly Marxist, a programme initiated by its National Executive and now firmly endorsed by its official Party Conference. In the House of Commons the Labour Left may still be outnumbered, but their votes are vital to the continuance of Labour in office, and that gives them a strength out of proportion to their numbers. And make no mistake, that strength, those numbers, are growing. In the constituency Labour parties, in the Parliamentary Labour Party, in Transport House, in the Cabinet Room itself, the Marxists call an increasing number of tunes...let's not mince words. The dividing line between the Labour Party programme and Communism is becoming harder and harder to detect. Indeed, in many respects Labour's programme is more extreme than those of many Communist parties of Western Europe. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/103105 Speech to Conservative Party Conference (8 October 1976)] *I call the Conservative Party now to a crusade. Not only the Conservative Party. I appeal to all those men and women of goodwill who do not want a Marxist future for themselves or their children or their children's children. This is not just a fight about national solvency. '''It is a fight about the very foundations of the social order. It is a crusade not merely to put a temporary brake on Socialism, but to stop its onward march once and for all.''' **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/103105 Speech to Conservative Party Conference (8 October 1976)] *The word “equality” is often used, but, wisely, rarely defined. The moment one tries to define it, one gets into great difficulty. For example, it cannot mean equality of incomes or earnings; otherwise, we would not need more than one union. Indeed, we would not need one union. If we are to have opportunity, we cannot have equality, because the two are opposite. '''We may have equality of opportunity, but if the only opportunity is to be equal, it is not opportunity'''. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/103146 Speech in the House of Commons (24 November 1976)] *To me there is only one way to judge a person, whatever his background, whatever his colour, whatever his religion, and that is what that person is, and not by his race or creed. That is what I believe in, that is what I will tell everyone and that is what I try to achieve everything. **Speech to the Young Conservative Conference in Eastbourne (13 February 1977), quoted in ''The Times'' (14 February 1977), p. 3 *I do not believe that history is writ clear and unchallengeable. It doesn't just happen. History is made by people: its movement depends on small currents as well as great tides, on ideas, perceptions, will and courage, the ability to sense a trend, the will to act on understanding and intuition. It is up to us to give intellectual content and political direction to these new dissatisfactions with socialism in practice, with its material and moral failures, we must convert disillusion into understanding. If we fail, the tide will be lost. But if it is taken, the last quarter of our century can initiate a new renaissance matching anything in our island's long and outstanding history. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/103336 Speech to the Zurich Economic Society “The New Renaissance” (14 March 1977)] *The economic success of the Western world is a product of its moral philosophy and practice. The economic results are better because the moral philosophy is superior. It is superior because it starts with the individual, with his uniqueness, his responsibility, and his capacity to choose. Surely this is infinitely preferable to the Socialist-statist philosophy which sets up a centralised economic system to which the individual must conform, which subjugates him, directs him and denies him the right to free choice. Choice is the essence of ethics: if there were no choice, there would be no ethics, no good, no evil; good and evil have meaning only insofar as man is free to choose. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/103336 Speech to the Zurich Economic Society “The New Renaissance” (14 March 1977)] *In our philosophy the purpose of the life of the individual is not to be the servant of the State and its objectives, but to make the best of his talents and qualities. The sense of being self-reliant, of playing a role within the family, of owning one's own property, of paying one's way, are all part of the spiritual ballast which maintains responsible citizenship, and provides the solid foundation from which people look around to see what more they might do, for others and for themselves. '''That is what we mean by a moral society; not a society where the State is responsible for everything, and no-one is responsible for the State.''' **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/103336 Speech to the Zurich Economic Society “The New Renaissance” (14 March 1977)] *Our religion teaches us that every human being is unique and must play his part in working out his own salvation. So whereas socialists begin with society, and how people can be fitted in, we start with Man, whose social and economic relationship are just part of his wider existence. Because we see man as a spiritual being, we utterly reject the Marxist view, which gives pride of place to economics...The religious tradition values economic activity, how we earn our living, create wealth, but warns against obsession with it, warns against putting it above all else. Money is not an end in itself, but a means to an end. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/103411 Speech to Greater London Young Conservatives (Iain Macleod Memorial Lecture - "Dimensions of Conservatism") (4 July 1977)] *There is not and cannot possibly be any hard and fast antithesis between self-interest and care for others, for man is a social creature, born into family, clan, community, nation, brought up in mutual dependence. The founders of our religion made this a cornerstone of morality. The admonition: love they neighbour as thyself, and do as you would be done by, expresses this. You will note that it does not denigrate self, or elevate love of others above it. On the contrary, it sees concern for self and responsibility for self as something to be expected, and asks only that this be extended to others. This embodies the great truth that self-regard is the root of regard for one's fellows. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/103411 Speech to Greater London Young Conservatives (Iain Macleod Memorial Lecture - "Dimensions of Conservatism") (4 July 1977)] *Instead of a government with steel in its backbone, we've got one with Steel in its pocket. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/103443 Speech to the Conservative Party Conference (14 October 1977)]. The Labour government had entered into a [[w:Lib–Lab_pact#1977|Pact]] with the Liberal leader [[w:David Steel|David Steel]]. * People from my sort of background needed Grammar schools to compete with children from privileged homes like [[w:Shirley Williams|Shirley Williams]] and [[w:Tony Benn|Anthony Wedgwood Benn]]. ** [http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/103443 Speech to the Conservative Party Conference (14 October 1977)] [[File:Thatcher-loc.jpg|thumb|right|My job is to stop Britain from going red.]] * '''My job is to stop Britain from going red.''' ** [http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/103192 Speech to Institute of Public Relations (2 November 1977)] * Madame Chairman, I presume this is to sweep Britain clean of socialism ** Margaret Thatcher, at a Tory party conference, holding a brush. (date unknown) * Well now, look, let us try and start with a few figures as far as we know them, and I am the first to admit it is not easy to get clear figures from the Home Office about immigration, but there was a committee which looked at it and said that if we went on as we are then by the end of the century there would be four million people of the new Commonwealth or Pakistan here. Now, that is an awful lot and I think it means that people are really rather afraid that this country might be rather swamped by people with a different culture and, you know, the British character has done so much for democracy, for law and done so much throughout the world that if there is any fear that it might be swamped people are going to react and be rather hostile to those coming in. So, if you want good race relations, you have got to allay peoples' fears on numbers. Now, the key to this was not what Keith Speed said just a couple of weeks ago. It really was what Willie Whitelaw said at the Conservative Party Conference in Brighton, where he said we must hold out the clear prospect of an end to immigration because at the moment it is about between 45,000 and 50,000 people coming in a year. Now, I was brought up in a small town, 25,000. That would be two new towns a year and that is quite a lot. So, we do have to hold out the prospect of an end to immigration except, of course, for compassionate cases. Therefore, we have got to look at the numbers who have a right to come in. There are a number of United Kingdom passport holders—for example, in East Africa—and what Keith and his committee are trying to do is to find out exactly how we are going to do it; who must come in; how you deal with the compassionate cases, but nevertheless, holding out the prospect of an end to immigration. ** TV Interview for Granada ''World in Action'', 27 January 1978. [http://www.margaretthatcher.org/speeches/displaydocument.asp?docid=103485 Transcript online] at the ''Margaret Thatcher Foundation'' *I hate extremes of any kind. Communism and the [[w:British National Front|National Front]] both seek the domination of the state over the individual. They both, I believe crush the right of the individual. To me, therefore, they are parties of a similar kind. All my life I have stood against banning Communism or other extremist organisations because, if you do that, they go underground and it gives them an excitement that they don't get if they are allowed to pursue their policies openly. We'll beat them into the ground on argument... The National Front is a Socialist Front. ** [http://www.margaretthatcher.org/speeches/displaydocument.asp?docid=103662 Interview for ''Hornsey Journal'' (21 April 1978)] *'''No, I'm not a feminist'''...I think they've become too strident. I think they have done great damage to the cause of women by making us out to be something we are not. Each person is different. Each has their own talents and abilities, and these are the things you want to draw and bring out. You don't say: “I must get on because I'm a woman, or that I must get on because I'm a man”. You should say that you should get on because you have the combination of talents which are right for the job. The moment you exaggerate the question, you defeat your case. ** [http://www.margaretthatcher.org/speeches/displaydocument.asp?docid=103662 Interview for ''Hornsey Journal'' (21 April 1978)] *Once you give people the idea that all this can be done by the State, and that it is somehow second-best or even degrading to leave it to private people...then you will begin to deprive human beings of one of the essential ingredients of humanity—personal moral responsibility. You will in effect dry up in them the milk of human kindness. If you allow people to hand over to the State all their personal responsibility, the time will come—indeed it is close at hand—when what the taxpayer is willing to provide for the good of humanity will be seen to be far less than what the individual used to be willing to give from love of his neighbour. So do not be tempted to identify virtue with collectivism. I wonder whether the State services would have done as much for the man who fell among thieves as the Good Samaritan did for him? ...the role of the State in Christian Society is to encourage virtue, not to usurp it. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/103522 Speech at St Lawrence Jewry (30 March 1978)] *Marxists get up early in the morning to further their cause. We must get up even earlier to defend our freedom. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/103683 Article for ''Hamburger Abendblatt'' (13 May 1978)] *All over the country, particularly in our large urban areas, old people do go in fear and trembling as never before during either the lifetime of their parents or grandparents...we have been too ready to listen to those who believe that rising crime is due to things like higher unemployment, poor housing, poor pay. While it has always been part of Conservative policy to raise the standard of living of our people we must recognise that in the 1930's there were far more people out of work, far less prosperity and worse housing—but much less crime than now...'''Rising crime is not due to “society”—but to the steady undermining of personal responsibility and self-discipline—all things which are taught within the family.''' **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/103696 Speech to Conservative Women's Conference (24 May 1978)]. *Perhaps [the] most important reason for the fall in standards and increase in crime—the attack on traditional values. It is not surprising that sometimes parents have been confused about the endless advice and the many rival theories on how to bring up children. '''There were times when I had to remind myself that our parents and grandparents brought us up without trendy theories and they didn't make such a bad job of it.''' So it would seem that the tried and trusted values and commonsense application would lead to far better results than we are now experiencing. We must teach that each of us is a responsible person who can choose his own course of action and who has a duty to others to do as he would be done by. That morality is largely based on religious values. Cut the stem and the plant withers. That is why we have been so keen to keep religious teaching in our schools. To those who say that is indoctrinating children, I would reply—it is no such thing. It is a practical recognition of the truth that while an adult may, if he wishes, reject the faith in which he has been brought up, a child will find it difficult to acquire any faith at all without some instruction in the discipline of belief and practice. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/103696 Speech to Conservative Women's Conference (24 May 1978)]. * The only way to do the best you can is to work as hard as you can. ** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xL5walAO3KI&feature=youtu.be&t=15m] *If the past is any guide, what has happened this winter could happen again next winter and the winter after that and so on and so on. '''What we face is a threat to our whole way of life'''...The case is now surely overwhelming, there will be no solution to our difficulties which does not include some restriction on the power of the unions. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/103926 Conservative Party television broadcast “Winter of Discontent” (17 January 1979)] * We shall have to learn again to be one nation, or one day we shall be no nation. ** [http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/103926 Conservative Party television broadcast “Winter of Discontent” (17 January 1979)] *As Conservatives we believe that recovery can only come through the work of individuals. We mustn't forever take refuge behind collective decisions. Each of us must assume our own responsibilities. What we get and what we become depends essentially on our own efforts. For what is the real driving force in society? It's the desire for the individual to do the best for himself and his family. People don't go out to work for the Chancellor of the Exchequer. They go out to work for their family, for their children, to help look after their parents...That's the way society is improved, by millions of people resolving that they'll give their children a better life than they've had themselves. '''And there's just no substitute for this elemental human instinct, and the worst possible thing a Government can do is to try to smother it completely with a sort of collective alternative. They won't work, they can't work. They crush and destroy something precious and vital in the nation and in the individual spirit.''' **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/104011 Speech to Conservative Rally in Cardiff (16 April 1979)] *I am a conviction politician. The Old Testament prophets didn't say, 'Brothers, I want a consensus.' They said, 'This is my faith, this is what I passionately believe. If you believe it too, then come with me.' **[https://www.nytimes.com/1979/04/19/archives/thatcher-speech-warms-up-the-british-campaign-first-major-address.html Thatcher Speech Warms Up the British Campaign], ''The New York Times'', 19 April 1979 *There are people in this country who are the great destroyers; they wish to destroy the kind of free society we have. They wouldn't have the freedom and the kind of society they wish to impose on us. Many of those people are in the unions. Many many people in the unions do not wish to strike, and I think many of those who struck in hospitals and in the ambulance service didn't wish to. I'm not suggesting that every strike is dominated by those, but a number are. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/104040 TV Interview for Thames TV ''TV Eye'' (24 April 1979)] *I can't bear Britain in decline. I just can't. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/103864 Interviewed] by Michael Cockerell for BBC TV's ''Campaign '79'' (27 April 1979). *We Conservatives...are realists. We know that the British are one of the most creative and gifted peoples on earth. But we also know that the British are individualists, who do not respond to state direction and control. We like leadership—yes. But, above all, we like freedom. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/104052 Article for the ''News of the World'' (29 April 1979)] *I proclaim with confidence that Britain can get right back into the world competitive race if only we can break free of the collective chains which hold us back. Unlike the socialists, who trust the state, we trust the people. That is why we are the party of freedom. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/104052 Article for the ''News of the World'' (29 April 1979)] *In this over-governed country of ours, '''the creative majority have too little freedom, and the tiny minority of wreckers have too much licence.''' The government I shall form next weekend will decisively reverse this state of affairs. '''Help me to liberate those who create wealth—and to make the wreckers run for cover.''' **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/104052 Article for the ''News of the World'' (29 April 1979)] ===First term as Prime Minister=== * '''Where there is discord, may we bring harmony. Where there is error, may we bring truth. Where there is doubt, may we bring faith. And where there is despair, may we bring hope'''. ** Statement on the doorstep of [[w:en:10 Downing Street|10 Downing Street]], after her election as Prime Minister, as quoted at [http://news.bbc.co.uk/onthisday/hi/dates/stories/may/4/newsid_2503000/2503195.stm ''On this day'' (BBC)]. (This is a paraphrasing of a prayer<ref name="sand_Whow">{{Cite news |title=Who wrote Prayer of St. Francis? Doubtful it was friar |work=[[w:en:San Diego Union-Tribune|San Diego Union-Tribune]] |date=27 January 2009 |accessdate=28 July 2019 |url= https://www.sandiegouniontribune.com/sdut-1n27prayer00320-who-wrote-prayer-st-francis-doubtf-2009jan27-htmlstory.html |quote=Lord, make me an instrument of thy peace. Where there is hatred, let me sow love; Where there is injury, pardon; Where there is doubt, faith; Where there is despair, hope; Where there is darkness, light; Where there is sadness, joy.}}</ref> commonly misattributed to [[Francis of Assisi|St. Francis of Assisi]].)<ref name="tele_Ther">{{Cite news |title=The real prayer of Francis of Assisi |author=Howse, Christopher |work=[[w:en:The Daily Telegraph|The Daily Telegraph]] |date=12 April 2013 |accessdate=28 July 2019 |url= https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/religion/9991301/The-real-prayer-of-Francis-of-Assisi.html |quote=That was written in 1912, in French, and published in a pious magazine edited by Fr Esther Bouquerel. It was attributed to St Francis in 1927 through its having been printed on the back of a picture of the saint.}}</ref><ref name="sand_Whow2">{{Cite news |title=Who wrote Prayer of St. Francis? Doubtful it was friar |work=San Diego Union-Tribune |date=27 January 2009 |accessdate=28 July 2019 |url= https://www.sandiegouniontribune.com/sdut-1n27prayer00320-who-wrote-prayer-st-francis-doubtf-2009jan27-htmlstory.html |quote=An article published last week in L'Osservatore Romano, the Vatican newspaper, said the prayer in its current form dates only from 1912, when it appeared in a French Catholic periodical. ... Although news to many, the truth about the prayer had apparently been hiding in plain sight. “No one among the Franciscans ever thought it really was by St. Francis,” said Giovanni Maria Vian, the editor of L'Osservatore Romano. }}</ref> * Any woman who understands the problems of running a home will be nearer to understanding the problems of running a country. ** BBC (1979); reported in John Blundell, ''Margaret Thatcher: A Portrait of the Iron Lady'' (2008), page 193. * I have thought long and deeply about the post of Foreign Secretary and have decided to offer it to Peter Carrington who &ndash; as I am sure you will agree &ndash; will do the job superbly. ** Letter to [[Edward Heath]] (4 May 1979), who had been hoping for the job of Foreign Secretary in Thatcher's government, quoted in Edward Heath, ''The Course of My Life'' (Hodder and Stoughton, 1998), p. 574 *It has been suggested by some people in this country that I and my government will be a “soft touch” in the [European] Community. In case such a rumour may have reached your ears, Mr Chancellor...it is only fair that I should advise you frankly to dismiss it (as my own colleagues did, long ago). '''We shall judge what British interests are and we shall be resolute in defending them.''' **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/104080 Speech at dinner for West German Chancellor (Helmut Schmidt) (10 May 1979)] *Communism never sleeps, never changes its objectives, nor must we. Our first duty to freedom is to defend our own. Then one day we might export a little to those peoples who have to live without it. Let no one be under any misunderstanding about the inflexible resolve of Her Majesty's Government to strengthen our defences and to play our full part in the defence of a free Europe. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/104088 Speech at "Youth for Europe" Rally (2 June 1979)] *The restoration of the confidence of a great nation is a massive task. We do not shrink from it. It will not be given to this generation of our countrymen to create a great Empire. But it is given to us to demand an end to decline and to make a stand against what Churchill described as the “long dismal drawling tides of drift and surrender, of wrong measurements and feeble impulses”. Though less powerful than once we were, we have friends in every quarter of the globe, who will rejoice at our recovery, welcome the revival of our influence, and benefit from the message and from the example of our renewal. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/104107 Speech to the Conservative Political Centre Summer School ("The Renewal of Britain") (6 July 1979)] *I must be absolutely clear about this. Britain cannot accept the present situation on the Budget. It is demonstrably unjust. It is politically indefensible: I cannot play Sister Bountiful to the Community while my own electorate are being asked to forego improvements in the fields of health, education, welfare and the rest. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/104149 Winston Churchill Memorial Lecture (18 October 1979)] regarding the UK's contribution to the European Community budget. *They are all a rotten lot. [[Helmut Schmidt|Schmidt]] and the Americans and we are the only people who would do any standing up and fighting if necessary. **Remark to President of the European Commission [[Roy Jenkins]] on her European Community colleagues (22 October 1979), quoted in Roy Jenkins, ''European Diary, 1977-1981'' (London: Collins, 1989), p. 511 * Pennies don't fall from heaven, they have to be earned here on earth. ** [http://www.margaretthatcher.org/speeches/displaydocument.asp?docid=104167 Speech at Lord Mayor's Banquet (12 November 1979)] * We are not asking for a penny piece of Community money for Britain. What we are asking is for a very large amount of '''our own money back''', over and above what we contribute to the Community, which is covered by our receipts from the Community. ** [http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/104180 Press Conference after Dublin European Council (30 November 1979)] when she was trying to renegotiate Britain's EEC budget contribution at the EEC Summit in Dublin. Often quoted as "I want my money back". *I have always gone about this business on the basis that one cannot have a partnership unless there is equity among partners. Equity, of course, is historically a British concept, but I think that it is one that we bring to the [European] Community. **[https://api.parliament.uk/historic-hansard/commons/1979/dec/03/european-council-dublin-meeting Prime Minister's Questions (3 December 1979)] *No-one would remember the Good Samaritan if he'd only had good intentions; he had money as well. ** [http://www.margaretthatcher.org/speeches/displaydocument.asp?docid=104210 TV Interview for London Weekend Television ''Weekend World'' (6 January 1980)] *We will not take money in taxes from those who work hard and pay it out to those who don't. We are trying to roll back the tide of Socialism. We must get ‘stuck in’ and sort out our problems in our traditional British way instead of asking the Government to intervene every time. Intervening means taking from people who work jolly hard and just manage to live within their means and make a profit, money in extra tax to pay for those who don't. ** [https://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/104297 Speech to Finchley Conservatives ("We are trying to roll back the tide of Socialism") (26 January 1980)] *Don't try persuading me, you know I find persuasion very counterproductive. **Remark to President of the European Commission Roy Jenkins (28 April 1980), quoted in Roy Jenkins, ''European Diary, 1977-1981'' (London: Collins, 1989), p. 593 * Gentlemen, there is nothing sweeter than success, and you boys have got it! ** Her comment to the SAS group, at 9.45 p.m. soon after [[w:Iranian Embassy Siege|Operation Nimrod]] (5 May 1980) *I am the rebel head of an establishment government. **Remark to a reception at 10 Downing Street (24 June 1980), quoted in [[w:Norman St John-Stevas|Norman St John-Stevas]], ''The Two Cities'' (London: Faber and Faber, 1984), p. 83 * '''There really is no alternative'''. ** [http://www.margaretthatcher.org/Speeches/displaydocument.asp?docid=104389&doctype=1 Press Conference for American correspondents in London (25 June 1980)], defending monetarist policy. *They don't patronize me for being a woman. ''Nobody'' puts me down. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/104260 Interview for ''Daily Express'' (8 August 1980)] on male heads of state, quoted in Chris Ogden, ''Maggie: An Intimate Portrait of a Woman in Power'' (New York: Simon and Schuster, 1990), p. 341. * To those waiting with bated breath for that favourite media catchphrase, the U-turn, I have only one thing to say: You turn if you want to. [laughter] '''The lady's not for turning'''. ** [http://news.bbc.co.uk/onthisday/hi/dates/stories/october/10/newsid_2541000/2541071.stm Reacting to doubt over her economic policies] at a Conservative Party Conference (10 October 1980) ** A play on ''The Lady's Not for Burning'', a 1948 play by Christopher Fry about a witchcraft trial. *If simply printing and spending more money would cure our problems we should by now be one of the wealthiest nations in the Western world.—In the lifetime of the last Labour Government the amount of money in the economy went up by £20 thousand million but the number of jobs did not increase. Indeed, unemployment doubled and prices more than doubled too.—In the last three years (1976–79) the amount of money in the economy went up by 50%; but yet only 4%; went into output, the rest into higher prices and imports. '''The record is clear, printing money doesn't create jobs, it only creates more inflation.''' But there is another word for printing money—they call it “reflection”. It is a cosy word but a fraudulent device. It cuts the value of every pound in circulation, of every pound the thrifty have saved. It means spending money you can't afford, haven't earned and haven't got. You would accept that it is neither moral nor responsible for a family to live beyond its means. Equally it is neither moral nor responsible for a Government to spend beyond the nation's means, even for services which may be desirable. So we must curb public spending to amounts that can be financed by taxation at tolerable levels and borrowing at reasonable rates of interest. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/104439 Speech to Conservative Trade Unionists (Annual Conference) (1 November 1980)] *Let me make one point about the hunger strike in the Maze prison. I want this to be utterly clear. There can be no political justification for murder or any other crime. The Government will never concede political status to the hunger strikers, or to any others convicted of criminal offences in the Province. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/104446 Speech in the House of Commons (20 November 1980)] regarding the [[w:1981 Irish hunger strike|Irish hunger strike]] *It's like a nurse looking after an ill patient. Which is the better nurse? The one who smothers the patient with sympathy and says ‘never mind, dear, there there, you just lie back and I'll bring you all your meals. I'll bring you all your papers. Just lie back, I'll look after you’? Or the nurse who says ‘Now, come on. Shake out of it. I know you've had an operation yesterday. It's time you put your feet to the ground and took a few steps. That's right, dear, that's right. Now get back and take a few more tomorrow’...'''Which is the one most likely to get results? The one who says, come on you can do it. That's me.''' **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/104452 Radio Interview for IRN (28 November 1980)] * I love argument, I love debate. I don't expect anyone just to sit there and agree with me, that’s not their job. ** ''The Times'' (1980), as cited in {{harvnb|Dale|2012}} *To many of us it seems that there is precious little difference between the policies of the Communist Party and the policies of the Labour Party. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/104460 Prime Minister's Questions (11 December 1980)] *May I make one point absolutely clear; the time we went there was a hunger strike on in the Maze, no-one has asked me, no-one in official authority or in high places has ever asked me to give political status to people who've been convicted of terrible crimes like murder, wounding, maming, causing explosions. That used to be asked. I think one of the reasons why we're not asked now is because we have got over our viewpoint and because everyone knows that this government will not budge on things which it regards as vital. There is no such thing as political murder. There is murder. There is no such things as causing explosions for political purposes and risking the lives of innocent men women and children. It is causing explosion, it is a crime, and they know that neither I, nor any member of my government will be moved on this. And we won through on that. And everyone knows it. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/104477 Radio Interview for BBC Radio 4 ''The World this Weekend'' (4 January 1981)] *For years there was a widespread belief that we could have inflation and a high level of employment at the same time. For years there was a belief that we could secure more jobs if we were prepared to put up with a little more inflation—always a little more, it was thought. The experience of the past 25 years has taught us on the Government Benches that those beliefs were a most damaging illusion. Inflation and unemployment, instead of moving in opposite directions, rose inexorably together. As Governments tried to stimulate employment by pumping money into the economy they caused inflation. The inflation led to higher costs. The higher costs meant loss of ability to compete. The few jobs that we had gained were soon lost; and so were a lot more with them. And then, from a higher level of unemployment and inflation, the process was started all over again, and each time round both inflation and unemployment rose. In Parliament after Parliament, each new Government had a higher average rate of inflation and unemployment than the preceding Government. '''It is that cycle that we have set out to break.''' **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/104561 Speech in the House of Commons (5 February 1981)] *The nation is but an enlarged family. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/104587 Speech at St Lawrence Jewry (4 March 1981)]. *Those terrorists will carry their determination to disrupt society to any lengths. Once again we have a hunger strike at the Maze Prison in the quest for what they call political status. There is no such thing as political murder, political bombing or political violence. There is only criminal murder, criminal bombing and criminal violence. We will not compromise on this. There will be no political status. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/104589 Speech in Belfast (5 March 1981)] *I am a great admirer of Professor Hayek. Some of his books are absolutely supreme—“[[The Constitution of Liberty]]” and the three volumes on “[[Law, Legislation and Liberty]]”—and would be well read by almost every hon. Member. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/104593 Speech in the House of Commons (10 March 1981)] *In the past our people have made sacrifices, only to find at the eleventh hour their government had lost its nerve and the sacrifice had been in vain. It shall not be in vain this time. This Conservative Government, not yet two years in office, will hold fast until the future of our country is assured...'''This is the road I am resolved to follow. This is the path I must go. I ask all who have the spirit—the bold, the steadfast and the young in heart—to stand and join with me as we go forward.''' **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/104604 Speech to Conservative Central Council (28 March 1981)] *There can be no question of political status for someone who is serving a sentence for crime. '''Crime is crime is crime. It is not political'''. To give concessions on political status would put many people in jeopardy. **Press conference in Saudi Arabia (21 April 1981), quoted in ''The Times'' (22 April 1981) p. 1, regarding the 1981 Irish hunger strike. [[File:Margaret Thatcher 1981.jpg|thumb|right|Economics are the method; the object is to change the heart and soul.]] * Economics are the method; the object is to change the heart and soul. ** [http://www.margaretthatcher.org/speeches/displaydocument.asp?docid=104475 Interview for ''The Sunday Times'' (1 May 1981)] *It is generally acknowledged that the Government are running, in the Maze prison, one of the most liberal and humane prison regimes anywhere...What hunger strikers are asking for—the one who died last was in fact a murderer; let us not mince our words—is political status by easy stages. They cannot have it. They are murderers and people who use force and violence to obtain their ends. They have made perfectly clear what they want. They cannot and will not have it. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/104649 Prime Minister's Questions (4 May 1981)] regarding the 1981 Irish hunger strike. *Every political debate these days contains a lot about economic policies. So much so that sometimes I think people get a little tired of hearing about them. Naturally there is a cry that Government must put people before economics. Who could disagree? That is the very reason why we in our Party have constantly fought Marxism and Communism. Fought Marxism because of —its compulsory society —its nationalisation of the means of production, distribution and exchange. —its attempt to snuff out individual conscience. —the absence of the great voluntary societies which are so much a part of our way of life. —its denial of freedom to choose —its elevation of the values of the State above those of religion. Its denial of the right to educate children outside the state system. —its extinction of private property because property rights support human rights. **[https://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/104653 Speech to Conservative Women’s Conference (20 May 1981)] *And never forget that the Marxist societies call themselves, and indeed are, the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics. Some of the aims of socialism, are the aims of a Marxist society, and they result in the subjugation of the rights of people to political theory. Because the Marxist system has become morally and materially bankrupt, citizens who live beneath its yoke see hope in our ideals. Ideals which limit the power of the State so that the varied talents and abilities of each person may flourish giving dignity and meaning to life. Ideals which respect the family, its loyalties, affections and responsibilities. Ideals where the rule of law is just and impartially administered. Those who live under the heel of Marxist tyranny look with envy at the very things we take for granted. They know that politics is about more than economics in a free society. So do we—we belong to the oldest and most enduring democratic Party in the world. ** [https://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/104653 Speech to Conservative Women’s Conference (20 May 1981)] *It would seem that dead hunger strikers, who have extinguished their own lives, are of more use to PIRA than living members. Such is their calculated cynicism. This Government is not prepared to legitimise their cause by word or by deed. And we should be clear what that cause is. It is a dictatorship by force and by fear in Northern Ireland, and in the Republic. These men deny democracy everywhere; they seek power for themselves. Some people argue that the Government could make the problem go away. We can of course maintain and improve an already humane prison regime. But there is no point in pretending that this is what the PIRA want. They have remained inflexible and intransigent in the face of all that we have done because what they want is special treatment, treatment different from that received by other prisoners. They want their violence justified. It isn't, and it will not be. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/104657 Speech at Stormont Castle (28 May 1981)] regarding the 1981 Irish hunger strike. *In this country over the last five years pay has doubled, whereas output has slightly fallen. That is totally different from the position with many of our competitors. Pay in those countries has gone up hand in hand with productivity. Consequently, they have the jobs and we have a larger proportion of the unemployment. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/104659 Prime Minister's Questions (2 June 1981)] * My policies are based not on some economics theory, but on things I and millions like me were brought up with: an honest day's work for an honest day's pay; live within your means; put by a nest egg for a rainy day; pay your bills on time; support the police. ** ''The News of the World'' (20 September 1981), quoted in Chris Ogden, ''Maggie: An Intimate Portrait of a Woman in Power'' (New York: Simon and Schuster, 1990), p. 342. * I count myself among those politicians who operate from conviction. For me, pragmatism is not enough. Nor is that fashionable word “consensus”. When I asked one of my Commonwealth colleagues at this Conference why he kept saying that there was a “consensus” on a certain matter, another replied in a flash “consensus is the word you use when you can't get agreement”! '''To me consensus seems to be—the process of abandoning all beliefs, principles, values and policies in search of something in which no-one believes, but to which no-one objects.'''—the process of avoiding the very issues that have to be solved, merely because you cannot get agreement on the way ahead. What great cause would have been fought and won under the banner “I stand for consensus”? **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/104712 Speech at Monash University (1981 Sir Robert Menzies Lecture) (6 October 1981)] *The principle that adequate health care should be provided for all, regardless of ability to pay, must be the foundation of any arrangements for financing the Health Service. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/104755 Prime Minister's Questions (1 December 1981)] * I am sure you will agree that, in Britain with our democratic institutions and the need for a high degree of consent, some of the measures adopted in Chile are quite unacceptable. Our reform must be in line with our traditions and our Constitution. At times the process may seem painfully slow. But I am certain we shall achieve our reforms in our own way and in our own time. Then they will endure. ** Letter from Margaret Thatcher to [[Friedrich Hayek]] (17 February 1982) *I must tell the House that the Falkland Islands and their dependencies remain British territory. No aggression and no invasion can alter that simple fact. It is the Government's objective to see that the islands are freed from occupation and are returned to British administration at the earliest possible moment...We cannot allow the democratic rights of the islanders to be denied by the territorial ambitions of Argentina. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/104910 Speech in the House of Commons (3 April 1982)] *The people of the Falkland Islands, like the people of the United Kingdom, are an island race. Their way of life is British; their allegiance is to the Crown. They are few in number, but they have the right to live in peace, to choose their own way of life and to determine their own allegiance. Their way of life is British; their allegiance is to the Crown. It is the wish of the British people and the duty of Her Majesty's Government to do everything that we can to uphold that right. That will be our hope and our endeavour and, I believe, the resolve of every Member of the House. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/104910 Speech in the House of Commons (3 April 1982)] *We have to recover those islands, we have to recover them for the people on them are British and British stock and they still owe allegiance to the Crown and want to be British. We have to do what is necessary to recover those islands...When you stop a dictator there are always risks but there are great risks in not stopping a dictator. My generation learned that a long time ago. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/104913 TV Interview for ITN (5 April 1982)] regarding the Falkland Islands *I am not talking about failure, I am talking about my supreme confidence in the British fleet...superlative ships, excellent equipment, the most highly trained professional group of men, the most honourable and brave members of Her Majesty's Service. '''Failure? Do you remember what Queen Victoria once said? “Failure—the possibilities do not exist”.''' That is the way we must look at it, with all our professionalism, all our flair and every single bit of native cunning, every single bit of professionalism and all our equipment and we must go out calmly, quietly, to succeed. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/104913 TV Interview for ITN (5 April 1982)] regarding the Falkland Islands * Just rejoice at that news and congratulate our forces and the marines. .. '''Rejoice'''. ** [http://www.margaretthatcher.org/speeches/displaydocument.asp?docid=104923 Remarks to the press in Downing Street (25 April 1982)] on announcing the liberation of South Georgia. *Difficult days lie ahead, but Britain will face them in the conviction that our cause is just and in the knowledge that we have been doing everything reasonable to secure a negotiated settlement. The principles that we are defending are fundamental to everything that this Parliament and this country stand for. They are the principles of democracy and the rule of law...Britain has a responsibility towards the islanders to restore their democratic way of life. She has a duty to the whole world to show that aggression will not succeed and to uphold the cause of freedom. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/104943 Speech in the House of Commons (20 May 1982)] *The fact is that the two major nuclear powers have not gone to war against each other—because, I believe, nuclear weapons are achieving their purpose as a deterrent that makes the prospect of war too horrific. It is noteworthy that, since the last world war, there have been 140 conventional wars, fought with ordinary weapons, which are themselves horrific, and that nuclear weapons have been a deterrent to war. I therefore believe that we should keep them. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/104968 Prime Minister's Questions (15 June 1982)] *The battle of the Falklands was a remarkable military operation, boldly planned, bravely executed, and brilliantly accomplished. We owe an enormous debt to the British forces and to the Merchant Marine. We honour them all. They have been supported by a people united in defence of our way of life and of our sovereign territory. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/104969 Speech in the House of Commons (15 June 1982)] *I do not believe that people who go on strike in this country have a legitimate cause. Throughout the period of the Labour Government and this one, I have never supported any strikes in this country. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/104972 Prime Minister's Questions (22 June 1982)] * We fought to show that aggression does not pay and that the robber cannot be allowed to get away with his swag. We fought with the support of so many throughout the world: the Security Council, the Commonwealth, the European Community, and the United States. Yet we also fought alone – for we fought for our own sovereign territory. ** [http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/104989 Speech to Conservative Rally at Cheltenham (3 July 1982)], regarding the Falkland Islands War. *When we started out, there were the waverers and the fainthearts. The people who thought that Britain could no longer seize the initiative for herself. The people who thought we could no longer do the great things which we once did. Those who believed that our decline was irreversible—that we could never again be what we were. There were those who would not admit it—even perhaps some here today—people who would have strenuously denied the suggestion but—in their heart of hearts—they too had their secret fears that it was true: that Britain was no longer the nation that had built an Empire and ruled a quarter of the world. Well they were wrong. The lesson of the Falklands is that Britain has not changed and that this nation still has those sterling qualities which shine through our history. This generation can match their fathers and grandfathers in ability, in courage, and in resolution. We have not changed. '''When the demands of war and the dangers to our own people call us to arms—then we British are as we have always been: competent, courageous and resolute'''. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/104989 Speech to Conservative Rally at Cheltenham (3 July 1982)], regarding the Falkland Islands War. *The battle of the South Atlantic was not won by ignoring the dangers or denying the risks. It was achieved by men and women who had no illusions about the difficulties. '''We faced them squarely and we were determined to overcome...What has indeed happened is that now once again Britain is not prepared to be pushed around. We have ceased to be a nation in retreat'''. We have instead a new-found confidence—born in the economic battles at home and tested and found true 8,000 miles away...we rejoice that Britain has re-kindled that spirit which has fired her for generations past and which today has begun to burn as brightly as before. Britain found herself again in the South Atlantic and will not look back from the victory she has won. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/104989 Speech to Conservative Rally at Cheltenham (3 July 1982)], regarding the Falkland Islands War. *The battle for women's rights has been largely won. The days when they were demanded and discussed in strident tones should be gone for ever. And I hope they are. I hated those strident tones that you still hear from some Women's Libbers'. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/105007 Speech on Women in a changing World (26 July 1982)] * The spirit of the South Atlantic was the spirit of Britain at her best. It has been said that we surprised the world, that British patriotism was rediscovered in those spring days. Mr. President, it was never really lost. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/105032 Speech to Conservative Party Conference (8 October 1982)] *Let me make one thing absolutely clear. '''The National Health Service is safe with us'''. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/105032 Speech to Conservative Party Conference (8 October 1982)] *The point of having nuclear weapons is to deter a war of any kind. They have succeeded in doing so for the past 37 years. To be an effective deterrent a potential aggressor must believe that under certain circumstances such weapons will be used. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/105246 Prime Minister's Questions (1 February 1983)] *Peace is not bought cheaply. It cannot be won without cost. The cost of Britain's defence is the price we pay to prevent war. The money for our armed services is truly our “peace tax”. What a cruel irony it is that the word “peace” has been hijacked by those who seek one-sided disarmament. It's ironic because if only one side disarms, the other is far more tempted to aggression. Unilateralism makes war more likely. '''We who believe in strong defence are the true peace party.''' **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/105252 Speech to Young Conservative Conference (12 February 1983)] * The right hon. Gentleman is afraid of an election is he? Oh, if I were going to cut and run I'd have gone after the Falklands. Afraid? Frightened? '''Frit'''? Couldn't take it? Couldn't stand it? Right now inflation is lower than it has been for thirteen years, a record the right hon. Gentleman couldn't begin to touch! ** [http://www.margaretthatcher.org/speeches/displaydocument.asp?docid=105294 Prime Minister's Questions (19 April 1983)]. The use of 'frit', an unusual Lincolnshire dialect abbreviation of 'frightened' which Mrs Thatcher evidently recalled from childhood, was missed by MPs in a noisy chamber but heard very distinctly on the audio feed from the chamber. * The choice facing the nation is between two totally different ways of life. And what a prize we have to fight for: no less than the chance to banish from our land the dark, divisive clouds of Marxist socialism and bring together men and women from all walks of life who share a belief in freedom. **Speech in Perth, Scotland (13 May 1983), quoted in ''New York Times'' (14 May 1983) "British Vote Campaign Gets Off to Angry Start" *Under a Labour Government, there's virtually nowhere you could put your savings where they would be safe from the state. They want your money for State Socialism, and they would mean to get it if they got in. Put your savings in the bank—and they'll nationalise it. Put your savings in a pension fund or a life assurance company—and a Labour Government would force them to invest the money in their own socialist schemes. Put your savings in your socks and they'd nationalise socks. **[https://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/105332 Speech in Cardiff (23 May 1983)] *I don't know by whom we might be threatened. What I do know is a government [''sic''] we have to be prepared for any eventuality, and I do know that possessions of those nuclear weapons has kept the peace between nuclear powers far better than the possession of conventional weapons did. You know when we only had conventional weapons Europe was at war again with 21–22 years. We have had 38 years peace and in another four or five years we will have the longest period of peace in Europe for centuries. That, to me, is the greatest prize of all, and...I'm prepared to allocate that expenditure to keep peace for the people for whom I'm responsible. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/105096 TV Interview for Granada TV (1 June 1983)] * Peace, freedom and justice are only to be found where people are prepared to defend them. **Speech to the Conservative Party Convention 1982 [https://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/105032] :Negus: Why do people stop us in the street almost and tell us that Margaret Thatcher isn't just inflexible, she's not just single-minded, on occasions she's plain pig-headed and won't be told by anybody? <br /> :Thatcher: Would you tell me who has stopped you in the street and said that?<br /> :Negus: Ordinary Britons...<br /> :Thatcher: Where?<br /> :Negus: In conversation, in pubs...<br /> :Thatcher (interrupting): I thought you'd just come from Belize<br /> :Negus: Oh this is not the first time we've been here.<br /> :Thatcher: Will you tell me who, and where and when?<br /> :Negus: Ordinary Britons in restaurants and cabs<br /> :Thatcher: How many?<br /> :Negus: ...in cabs<br /> :Thatcher: How many?<br /> :Negus: I would say at least one in two<br /> :Thatcher: Why won't you tell me their names and who they are?<br /> :*In an interview with George Negus for the Australian TV program 60 minutes [http://books.google.com.au/books?id=Kh6iGKS6Xo8C&pg=PA140&lpg=PA140&dq=why+do+people+stop+us+in+the+street+almost+and+tell+us+that+margaret+thatcher&source=bl&ots=ZPAKdEn6X0&sig=d2RhZAI7L65TeT17baaBp67OQSo&hl=en&ei=Jb2jSd2VI5Cw6wOcmPTTAg&sa=X&oi=book_result&resnum=1&ct=result] *What do you think of those two? **(She was holding out The Sun newspaper and was referring to 2 editorials on page 2. Page 3 of The Sun is known for having nude women on it.) Quoted in the first episode of the documentary Thatcher: The Downing Street Years. ===Second term as Prime Minister=== *Unfortunately in our education system youngsters are still not given sufficient encouragement to go into industry or commerce and not told that it is a good thing to make an honest profit. They should be told that if you don't make a profit, you won't be in business very long because you haven't anything to plow back for tomorrow. You make your profit by pleasing others so you have to make it honestly. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/105182 Interview for ''Director'' magazine (4 July 1983)], quoted in Chris Ogden, ''Maggie: An Intimate Portrait of a Woman in Power'' (New York: Simon and Schuster, 1990), p. 345. *If we do not keep alive the flame of freedom that flame will go out, and every noble ideal will die with it. It is not by force of weapons but by force of ideas that we seek to spread liberty to the world' s oppressed. It is not only ideals, but conscience that impels us to do so. Is there conscience in the Kremlin? Do they ever ask themselves what is the purpose of life? What is it all for? Does the way they handled the [[w:Korean Air Lines Flight 007|Korean airliner atrocity]] suggest that they ever considered such questions? No. Their creed is barren of conscience, immune to the promptings of good and evil. To them it is the system that counts, and all men must conform. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/105450 Speech at the Winston Churchill Foundation Award dinner (29 September 1983)] *Our people will never keep the Red Flag flying here. There is only one banner that Britain flies, the one that has kept flying for centuries—the red, white and blue. *Let us never forget this fundamental truth: the State has no source of money other than money which people earn themselves. If the State wishes to spend more it can do so only by borrowing your savings or by taxing you more. It is no good thinking that someone else will pay – that ‘someone else’ is you. '''There is no such thing as public money; there is only taxpayers’ money.''' ** [http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/105454 Speech to Conservative Party Conference (14 October 1983)] [[File:Premier Thatcher tijdens een persconferentie, Bestanddeelnr 932-7044.jpg|thumb|I came to office with one deliberate intent: to change Britain from a dependent to a self-reliant society – from a give-it-to-me, to a do-it-yourself nation. A get-up-and-go, instead of a sit-back-and-wait-for-it Britain.]] *I came to office with one deliberate intent: to change Britain from a dependent to a self-reliant society – from a give-it-to-me, to a do-it-yourself nation. A get-up-and-go, instead of a sit-back-and-wait-for-it Britain. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/speeches/displaydocument.asp?docid=105617 Speech to Small Business Bureau Conference (8 February 1984)] *I believe the police are upholding the law. They are not upholding the Government. This is not a dispute between miners and Government. This is a dispute between miners and miners. They have in their constitution the right to have a ballot. They have not been able to have a national ballot yet. Many of them have had local ballots. This is a dispute between miners and miners. It is some of the miners who are trying to stop other miners going to work. It is the police who are in charge of upholding the law...The police have been wonderful. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/105538 TV Interview for BBC1 ''Panorama'' (9 April 1984)] on the [[w:UK miners' strike (1984–85)|1984-1985 Miners' Strike]] *You saw the scenes that went on in television last night. I must tell you that what we have got is an attempt to substitute the rule of the mob for the rule of law, and it must not succeed. It must not succeed. There are those who are using violence and intimidation to impose their will on others who do not want it...Ladies and Gentlemen we need the support of everyone in this battle which goes to the very heart of our society. '''The rule of law must prevail over the rule of the mob'''. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/105691 Remarks] on [[w:Battle of Orgreave|Orgreave picketing]] (30 May 1984) *The United States has no socialist party, or no socialist party has been in power. That is the reason why it has always been the country of last resort for every currency. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/105505 Interview for ''The Times'' (31 May 1984)] *We had to fight the enemy without in the Falklands and now we have to fight the '''enemy within''', which is much more difficult but just as dangerous to liberty. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/105563 Speech to 1922 Committee (19 July 1984)], quoted in John Campbell, ''Margaret Thatcher. The Iron Lady'' (London: Jonathan Cape, 2003), p. 361. *The violence and intimidation we have seen should never have happened. It is the work of extremists. It is the '''enemy within'''. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/105565 TV Interview for BBC2 ''Newsnight'' (27 July 1984)] *The right hon. Gentleman [Neil Kinnock] leads a party which claims to support democracy but repudiates those miners who have voted democratically to remain at work and have done so in accordance with their union procedures. He leads a party which condemns violence in general but supports the mass picketing which inevitably ends in violence. He leads a party which has allied itself to the wreckers against the workers. The forces to which the right hon. Gentleman has lent his voice and support have no more love for parliamentary democracy than for the jobs and homes of those who oppose them. Sooner or later, when he has ceased to be of value to their purpose, they will turn on him, just as surely as they have turned on the police, on the steel workers, and on working miners and their families. There is only one word to describe the policy of the right hon. Gentleman when faced with threats, whether from home or abroad, and that word is appeasement. He will live to regret it. It is no policy for Britain. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/105732 Speech in the House of Commons (31 July 1984)] on the Labour Party and the Miners' Strike *The [[w:Brighton hotel bombing|bomb attack on the Grand Hotel]] early this morning was first and foremost an inhuman, undiscriminating attempt to massacre innocent unsuspecting men and women staying in Brighton for our Conservative Conference...But the bomb attack clearly signified more than this. It was an attempt not only to disrupt and terminate our Conference; It was an attempt to cripple Her Majesty's democratically-elected Government. That is the scale of the outrage in which we have all shared, and the fact that we are gathered here now—shocked, but composed and determined—is a sign not only that this attack has failed, but that all attempts to destroy democracy by terrorism will fail. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/105763 Speech to Conservative Party Conference (12 October 1984)] *We heard moving accounts from two working miners about just what they have to face as they try to make their way to work. The sheer bravery of those men and thousands like them who kept the mining industry alive is beyond praise. “[[w:Strikebreaker|Scabs]]” their former workmates call them. Scabs? They are lions! **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/105763 Speech to Conservative Party Conference (12 October 1984)] *In the Conservative Party, we have no truck with outmoded Marxist doctrine about class warfare. '''For us, it is not who you are, who your family is or where you come from that matters. It is what you are and what you can do for our country that counts.''' That is our vision. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/105763 Speech to Conservative Party Conference (12 October 1984)] *No-one in their senses wants nuclear weapons for their own sake, but equally, no responsible prime minister could take the colossal gamble of giving up our nuclear defences while our greatest potential enemy kept their's. Policies which would throw out all American nuclear bases...would wreck NATO and leave us totally isolated from our friends in the United States, and friends they are. No nation in history has ever shouldered a greater burden nor shouldered it more willingly nor more generously than the United States. This Party is pro-American. And we must constantly remind people what the defence policy of the [Labour] Party would mean. Their idea that by giving up our nuclear deterrent, we could somehow escape the result of a nuclear war elsewhere is nonsense, and it is a delusion to assume that conventional weapons are sufficient defence against nuclear attack. And do not let anyone slip into the habit of thinking that conventional war in Europe is some kind of comfortable option. With a huge array of modern weapons held by the Soviet Union, including chemical weapons in large quantities, it would be a cruel and terrible conflict. The truth is that possession of the nuclear deterrent has prevented not only nuclear war but also conventional war and to us, peace is precious beyond price. '''We are the true peace party.''' **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/105763 Speech to Conservative Party Conference (12 October 1984)] *It was a lovely morning. We have not had many lovely days. And the sun was just coming through the stained glass windows and falling on some flowers right across the church and it just occurred to me that '''this was the day I was meant not to see'''. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/speeches/displaydocument.asp?docid=105764 TV Interview for Channel 4 ''A plus 4'' (15 October 1984)], referring to the Brighton bombing in which the IRA attempted to assassinate her. *I personally have always voted for the death penalty because I believe that people who go out prepared to take the lives of other people forfeit their own right to live. I believe that that death penalty should be used only very rarely, but I believe that no-one should go out certain that no matter how cruel, how vicious, how hideous their murder, they themselves will not suffer the death penalty. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/speeches/displaydocument.asp?docid=105764 TV Interview for Channel 4 ''A plus 4'' (15 October 1984)] *We suffered a tragedy not one of us could have thought would happen in our country. And we picked ourselves up and sorted ourselves out as all good British people do, and I thought, let us stand together for we are British! They were trying to destroy the fundamental freedom that is the birth-right of every British citizen, freedom, justice and democracy. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/105769 Speech to Finchley Conservatives (20 October 1984)] on the Brighton bombing *I have made it quite clear – and so did Mr Prior when he was Secretary of State for Northern Ireland – that a unified Ireland was one solution. '''That is out.''' A second solution was confederation of two states. '''That is out.''' A third solution was joint authority. '''That is out.''' That is a derogation from sovereignty. **[http://cain.ulst.ac.uk/issues/politics/docs/pmo/mt191184.htm Press conference after an Anglo-Irish summit (19 November 1984)]. "Mr Prior" is [[w:en:James Prior, Baron Prior|James Prior]]. *At one end of the spectrum are the terrorist gangs within our borders, and the terrorist states which finance and arm them. At the other are the Hard Left operating inside our system, conspiring to use union power and the apparatus of local government to break, defy and subvert the law. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/speeches/displaydocument.asp?docid=105799 The Second Carlton Lecture (26 November 1984)] *Oh, but you know, you do not achieve anything without trouble, ever. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/105803 TV Interview for ITV (30 November 1984)] [[File:Margaret Thatcher 1984.tif|thumb|I like [[w:Mikhail Gorbachev|Mr. Gorbachev]]. We can do business together.]] *I like [[w:Mikhail Gorbachev|Mr. Gorbachev]]. We can do business together. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/speeches/displaydocument.asp?docid=105592 TV Interview for BBC (17 December 1984)] *You never compromise with violence. You never compromise with intimidation. You never compromise by those who want to use those to extinguish freedom and democracy, because if you do then the very things for which you stand are extinguished. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/105955 TV Interview for Channel 4 ''A Week in Politics'' (1 February 1985)] *If they do not wish to confer the honour, I am the last person who would wish to receive it. **Remarks after Oxford University voted not to award her an honorary degree. ''Mail on Sunday'' (3 February 1985), quoted in John Campbell, ''Margaret Thatcher. The Iron Lady'' (London: Jonathan Cape, 2003), p. 399. *I'm the world's greatest fan of your President [Ronald Reagan], as you know. I think he's done terrific things and I think that in his recent speech, the keynote that he struck, that America is a confident leader of the free world, is the right one and I'm absolutely delighted at the way in which confidence had returned to the United States. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/105836 Interview for ''Business Week'' Magazine (11 February 1985)]. *I support very much the approaches that the President [Ronald Reagan] is taking. As you know, I am his greatest fan! **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/105964 TV Interview for CBS ''60 Minutes'' (15 February 1985)] *We had to make certain that violence and intimidation and impossible demands could not win. There would have been neither freedom nor order in Britain if we had given in to violence. There would have been no hope for any prosperous industry if people had gone on strike, really, for bigger and bigger subsidies from the tax-payers, because in the end it is the tax-payers who pay these subsidies. So that is over. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/105982 Remarks on the end of the miners' strike (3 March 1985)] *We must try to find ways to starve the terrorist and the hijacker of the '''oxygen of publicity''' on which they depend. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/speeches/displaydocument.asp?docid=106096 Speech to the American Bar Association (15 July 1985)]. **See [[Linda Smith]] for an amusing variant. *Don't you think that's the way to persuade more companies to come to this region and get more jobs&mdash;because I want them&mdash;for the people who are unemployed. Not always standing there as '''moaning minnies'''. Now stop it! **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/speeches/displaydocument.asp?docid=106127 Remarks to Tyne Tees TV (11 September 1985)] *All my upbringing was to instill into both my sister and I a fantastic sense of duty, a great sense of whatever you do you are personally responsible for it. '''You do not blame society. Society is not anyone.''' You are personally responsible and just remember that you live among a whole lot of people and you must do things for them, and you must make up your own mind. That was very very strong, very strong. I remember my father sometimes saying to me if I said: “Oh so and so is doing something; can't I do it too?” You know, children do not like to be different. “You make up your own mind what you are going to do, never because someone else is doing it!” and he was always very stern about that. It stood one in good stead. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/105830 TV Interview for Yorkshire Television ''Woman to Woman'' (2 October 1985)] *Home really was very small and we had no mod cons and I remember having a dream that the one thing I really wanted was to live in a nice house, you know, a house with more things than we had...We had not got hot water. We only had a cold water tap. We had to heat all the hot water in a copper. There was an outside toilet. So when people tell me about these things, I know about them. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/105830 TV Interview for Yorkshire Television ''Woman to Woman'' (2 October 1985)] *We will not reflate...Past governments have tried that. Past governments have deliberately created inflation in the hope of reducing unemployment. It always finished up with worse inflation and worse unemployment. Mr President, '''You can't build a secure future on dishonest money.''' And there is a fundamental truth, from which no government can escape. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/106145 Speech to Conservative Party Conference (11 October 1985)] *Those who want the country to have a strong and sure defence can't rely on the Labour Party, the SDP or the Liberals. They ''can'' rely on us. By the end of this century it is predicted that several more countries will have acquired nuclear weapons. Labour wants Britain to give them up. At the very time when any sensible person would be renewing his insurance cover, Labour wants to cancel Britain's policy altogether. Moreover, they want to get rid of American bases from Britain and all nuclear weapons from British soil. Does anyone who has witnessed Mr. Gorbachev's performance thinks that he respects weakness? No. Mr. President, it is recognition of the West's strength and cohesion that has brought the Soviet Union back to the negotiating table. Our wish is to see substantial reductions in nuclear weapons, provided they are balanced and verifiable. I know that will be President Reagan's objective at his meeting with Mr Gorbachev, and he has our full support and good wishes as he goes to Geneva. The West could not have a better or a braver champion. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/106145 Speech to Conservative Party Conference (11 October 1985)] *I detest apartheid. I couldn't stand being excluded or discriminated against because of the colour of my own skin. And if you can't stand a colour bar against yourself, you can't stand it against anyone else. Apartheid is wrong and it must go. **[https://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/106168 Speech at Lord Mayor’s Banquet] (11 November 1985) *It is traditional conservatism...It is radical, because at the time when I took over we needed to be radical. I would not call it populist. I may say many of the things that I have said strike a chord in the hearts of ordinary people. Why? Because they are British. Because their character is independent. They do not like to be shoved around. Because they are prepared to take responsibility. Because they do expect to be loyal to their friends and loyal allies. You call it populist. I say it strikes a chord in the hearts of people. I know, because it struck a chord in my heart many many years ago. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/105934 Radio Interview for BBC Radio 3 (17 December 1985)] *I find that the conservatism which I follow does have some things in common with what Professor Hayek was preaching and also has some things in common with what you called old-fashioned Liberals. Let me just quote one, to whom I am devoted, [[John Stuart Mill]] on liberty. “A nation that dwarfs its citizens will find that with small men it can accomplish no great thing.” Is that not what I have been saying? Yes, it is partly perhaps old-fashioned liberalism...my pride that it has something in common with that...but that also has something in common with my belief that really nations are there to try to help people to bring out the best talents and abilities and initiatives in themselves and that, I think, is conserving the best in human nature and trying to change the rest, but trying to change it through the character of men and women. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/105934 Radio Interview for BBC Radio 3 (17 December 1985)] *I believe in the British lion and I believe that the British character is lion-hearted, and I believe that it has not been lion-hearted in some of the post-War period, and I want it to get back to being lion hearted. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/105934 Radio Interview for BBC Radio 3 (17 December 1985)] *I'm absolutely amazed when some people say I am either hard or uncaring, because it's so utterly untrue. I can't say it because, if you say you are caring, it's like saying, ‘I'm a very modest person.’ Nobody believes you. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/106219 Interview for ''Daily Express'' (19 February 1986)] *Let me say this, if you want someone weak you don't want me, there are plenty of others to choose from. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/106220 Radio Interview for BBC Radio 2 ''Jimmy Young Programme'' (26 February 1986)] * In my work, you get used to criticisms. Of course you do, because there are a lot of people trying to get you down, but I always cheer up immensely if one is particularly wounding because I think well, if they attack one personally, it means they have not a single political argument left. That is why my father always taught me: never worry about anyone who attacks you personally; it means their arguments carry no weight and they know it. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/106223 From an interview for Italian television (RAI) (10 March 1986)] *Seven years ago, who would have dared forecast such a transformation of Britain. '''This didn't come about because of consensus. It happened because we said: this we believe, this we will do. It's called leadership.''' **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/speeches/displaydocument.asp?docid=106348 Speech to Conservative Central Council (15 March 1986)] *'''Conservatism is not some abstract theory. It's a crusade to put power in the hands of ordinary people.''' And a very popular crusade it is proving. Tenants are jumping at the opportunity to buy their own council houses. Workers are jumping at the opportunity to buy shares in their own privatised companies. Trade unionists are jumping at the opportunity, which the ballot box now gives them, to decide “who rules” in their union. And the rest of Britain is looking on with approval. For popular capitalism is biting deep. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/speeches/displaydocument.asp?docid=106348 Speech to Conservative Central Council (15 March 1986)] [[File:President Reagan and Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher at Camp David 1986.jpg|thumb|right|Socialists cry "Power to the people", and raise the clenched fist as they say it. We all know what they really mean—power over people, power to the State.]] *Popular capitalism, which is the economic expression of liberty, is proving a much more attractive means for diffusing power in our society. '''Socialists cry "Power to the people", and raise the clenched fist as they say it. We all know what they really mean&mdash;power over people, power to the State.''' To us Conservatives, popular capitalism means what it says: power through ownership to the man and woman in the street, given confidently with an open hand. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/speeches/displaydocument.asp?docid=106348 Speech to Conservative Central Council (15 March 1986)] *Because you see, it is not as if you are judged wholly on what you say. You are up against people who deliberately set out to twist what you say to make it mean other things, and that I am afraid is part of the job, part of the world in which one lives.” **[https://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/106228 Interview for Parade magazine (17 April 1986)] *You will quite often hear people say: “Well look, she is the best man in politics,” and I say: “Oh no, much better than that; she is the best woman.” **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/106426 TV Interview for Central TV (18 June 1986)] *From France to the Philippines, from Jamaica to Japan, from Malaysia to Mexico, from Sri Lanka to Singapore, privatisation is on the move...The policies we have pioneered are catching on in country after country. We Conservatives believe in popular capitalism&mdash;believe in a property-owning democracy. And it works! … The great political reform of the last century was to enable more and more people to have a vote. Now the great Tory reform of this century is to enable more and more people to own property. Popular capitalism is nothing less than a crusade to enfranchise the many in the economic life of the nation. We Conservatives are returning power to the people. That is the way to one nation, one people. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/speeches/displaydocument.asp?docid=106498 Conservative Party Conference (10 October 1986)] *In a decision of the utmost gravity, Labour voted to give up Britain's independent nuclear deterrent unilaterally. Labour's defence policy&mdash;though "defence" is scarcely the word&mdash;is an absolute break with the defence policy of every British Government since the Second World War. Let there be no doubt about the gravity of that decision. You cannot be a loyal member of NATO while disavowing its fundamental strategy. A Labour Britain would be a neutralist Britain. It would be the greatest gain for the Soviet Union in forty years. And they would have got it without firing a shot. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/speeches/displaydocument.asp?docid=106498 Conservative Party Conference (10 October 1986)] *The [Labour] moderates split off and that split of the moderates delayed the realignment of British politics for at least one generation and possibly two, because as a conservative passionately believing in freedom under the law and believing that socialism cannot stand for that, the realignment - you hear me say my job is to stay in long enough so that everyone knows that socialism and the British character do not mix, so socialism has got to go - is to get the fundamental realignment which I think is in keeping with the British character, which is two parties, a free enterprise party, because if you have political freedom under the rule of law you have got to have economic freedom as well. It is to bring about that can only be done really by eventually the Labour Party splitting off the Left and rejecting the [[w:Clause IV|Clause 4]] and the command economy, and then we really should get a realignment. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/106595 Interview for ''The Standard'' (13 March 1987)] *It has been my strategy, believing passionately as I do in what we stand for, to take a different direction, to make people see that was the better direction; for us to stay in power long enough to make the Labour Party realise that their policies will never be re-elected and they must do a fundamental reappraisal of their policies and start two generations later what [[w:Hugh Gaitskell|Gaitskell]] wanted to do but failed...I myself do not think one more push will be quite enough...I think you are likely to have it much more up nearer towards the year 2000, then you will have the fundamental realignment that should have been brought about half a century before. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/106595 Interview for ''The Standard'' (13 March 1987)] * A world without nuclear weapons may be a dream but you cannot base a sure defence on dreams. Without far greater trust and confidence between East and West than exists at present, a world without nuclear weapons would be less stable and more dangerous for all of us. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/speeches/displaydocument.asp?docid=106776 Speech at a Soviet Official banquet], St George's Halls, the Kremlin (30 March 1987) [[File:George H. W. Bush and Margaret Thatcher (cropped).jpg|thumb|I hope to go on and on.]] *I hope to go on and on. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/106615 TV Interview for BBC (11 May 1987)] *I, along with something like 5 million other people, insure to enable me to go into hospital on the day I want; at the time I want, and with a doctor I want. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/speeches/displaydocument.asp?docid=106866 Answering questions at a general election news conference (4 June 1987)]. Mrs Thatcher had been asked if she trusted the Health Service enough to put herself in its hands, a reference to her use of private health insurance. *The greatest division this nation has ever seen were the conflicts of trade unions towards the end of a Labour Government...That trade union movement...used their power against their members. They made them come out on strike when they didn't want to. They loved secondary picketing. They went and demonstrated outside companies where there was no dispute whatsoever, and sometimes closed them down. They were acting as they were later in the coal strike, before my whole trade union laws were through of this Government. They were out to use their power to hold the nation to ransom, to stop power from getting to the whole of manufacturing industry to damage people's jobs, to stop power from getting to every house in the country, power, heat and light to every housewife, every child, every school, every pensioner. You want division; you want conflict; you want hatred. There it was. It was that which Thatcherism—if you call it that—tried to stop. Not by arrogance, but by giving power to the ordinary, decent, honourable, trade union member who didn’t want to go on strike. By giving power to him over the Scargills of this world. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/106647 TV Interview for BBC1 ''Panorama'' (8 June 1987)] *I believe passionately that people have a right, by their own efforts, to benefit their own families, so we have taken down taxation. '''It doesn't matter to me who you are or what your background is. If you want to use your own efforts to work harder—yes, I am with you all the way''', whether it is unskilled effort or whether it is skilled, we have taken the income tax down. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/106647 TV Interview for BBC1 ''Panorama'' (8 June 1987)] ===Third term as Prime Minister=== *(The [[w:Community Charge|Community Charge]] is) the flagship of the Thatcher fleet. **David Butler, Andrew Adonis and Tony Travers, "Failure in British government: the politics of the poll tax" (Oxford University Press, Oxford, 1994) **Remarks to Conservative backbench MPs, July 1987 *Children who need to be taught to respect traditional moral values are being taught that they have an inalienable right to be gay. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/speeches/displaydocument.asp?docid=106941 Speech to Conservative Party Conference (9 October 1987)] * I think we have gone through a period when too many children and people have been given to understand "I have a problem, it is the Government's job to cope with it!" or "I have a problem, I will go and get a grant to cope with it!" "I am homeless, the Government must house me!" and so they are casting their problems on society and who is society? There is no such thing! There are individual men and women and there are families and no government can do anything except through people and people look to themselves first. It is our duty to look after ourselves and then also to help look after our neighbour and life is a reciprocal business and people have got the entitlements too much in mind without the obligations. *'''There is no such thing as society.''' There is living tapestry of men and women and people and the beauty of that tapestry and the quality of our lives will depend upon how much each of us is prepared to take responsibility for ourselves and each of us prepared to turn round and help by our own efforts those who are unfortunate. * All too often the ills of this country are passed off as those of society. Similarly, when action is required, society is called upon to act. But society as such does not exist except as a concept. Society is made up of people. It is people who have duties and beliefs and resolve. It is people who get things done. She prefers to think in terms of the acts of individuals and families as the real sinews of society rather than of society as an abstract concept. Her approach to society reflects her fundamental belief in personal responsibility and choice. To leave things to ‘society’ is to run away from the real decisions, practical responsibility and effective action. ** Interview 23 September 1987, as quoted in by Douglas Keay, ''[[w:Woman's Own|Woman's Own]]'', 31 October 1987, pp. 8–10. A [http://www.margaretthatcher.org/speeches/displaydocument.asp?docid=106689 transcript of the interview] at the Margaret Thatcher Foundation website differs in several particulars, but not in substance. The magazine transposed the statement in bold, often quoted out of context, from a later portion of Thatcher's remarks: *When the [[w:African National Congress|ANC]] says that they will target British companies, this shows what a typical terrorist organisation it is. I fought terrorism all my life and if more people fought it, and we were all more successful, we should not have it and I hope that everyone in this hall will think it is right to go on fighting terrorism. They will if they believe in democracy. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/106948 Press Conference (17 October 1987)], in answer to Alan Merrydew of BCTV News who asked what her response was "to a reported ANC statement that they will target British firms in South Africa?" *There is no way in which one can buck the market. **[https://api.parliament.uk/historic-hansard/commons/1988/mar/10/engagements#S6CV0129P0_19880310_HOC_156 Prime Ministers' Questions (10 March 1988)] *The freedom of peoples depends fundamentally on the rule of law, a fair legal system. The place to have trials or accusations is a court of law, the Common Law that has come right up from Magna Carta, which has come right up through the British courts – a court of law is the place where you deal with these matters. If you ever get '''trial by television''' or guilt by accusation, that day freedom dies because you have not had it done with all of the careful rules that have developed in a court of law. Press and television rely on freedom. Those who rely on freedom must uphold the rule of law and have a duty and a responsibility to do so and not try to substitute their own system for it. **Criticising the Thames Television programme "Death on the Rock", in an [http://www.margaretthatcher.org/speeches/displaydocument.asp?docid=107058 interview with Hatsuhisa Takashima of NHK Japanese television (29 April 1988)] *I can't help reflecting that it's taken a Government headed by a housewife with experience of running a family to balance the books for the first time in twenty years—with a little left over for a rainy day. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/107248 Speech to Conservative Women's Conference (25 May 1988)] *We support the right of women to choose our own lives for ourselves. If women wish to be lawyers, doctors, engineers, scientists, politicians, we should have the same opportunities as men, more and more we do...But many women wish to devote themselves mainly to raising a family and running a home. And we should have that choice too. Very few jobs can compare in long-term importance and satisfaction with that of housewife and mother. For the family is the building block of society. It is a nursery, a school, a hospital, a leisure place, a place of refuge and a place of rest. It encompasses the whole of society. It fashions our beliefs. It is the preparation for the rest of our life. And women run it. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/107248 Speech to Conservative Women's Conference (25 May 1988)] [[File:Margaret Thatcher Nancy Reagan with husbands behind.jpg|thumb|We have not successfully rolled back the frontiers of the state in Britain, only to see them re-imposed at a European level with a European super-state exercising a new dominance from Brussels.]] *Mr. Chairman, you have invited me to speak on the subject of Britain and Europe. Perhaps I should congratulate you on your courage. If you believe some of the things said and written about my views on Europe, it must seem rather like inviting Genghis Khan to speak on the virtues of peaceful coexistence! ...The European Community is ''one'' manifestation of that European identity, but it is not the only one. We must never forget that east of the Iron Curtain, peoples who once enjoyed a full share of European culture, freedom and identity have been cut off from their roots. We shall always look on Warsaw, Prague and Budapest as great European cities...To try to suppress nationhood and concentrate power at the centre of a European conglomerate would be highly damaging and would jeopardise the objectives we seek to achieve. Europe will be stronger precisely because it has France as France, Spain as Spain, Britain as Britain, each with its own customs, traditions and identity. It would be folly to try to fit them into some sort of identikit European personality...it is ironic that just when those countries such as the Soviet Union, which have tried to run everything from the centre, are learning that success depends on dispersing power and decisions away from the centre, there are some in the Community who seem to want to move in the opposite direction. '''We have not successfully rolled back the frontiers of the state in Britain, only to see them re-imposed at a European level with a European super-state exercising a new dominance from Brussels'''. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/speeches/displaydocument.asp?docid=107332 The Bruges Speech (20 September 1988)] *For generations, we have assumed that the efforts of mankind would leave the fundamental equilibrium of the world's systems and atmosphere stable. But it is possible that with all these enormous changes (population, agricultural, use of fossil fuels) concentrated into such a short period of time, we have unwittingly begun a massive experiment with the system of this planet itself...the increase in the greenhouse gases...has led some to fear that we are creating a global heat trap which could lead to climatic instability. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/107346 Speech to the Royal Society (27 September 1988)] *The Government espouses the concept of sustainable economic development. Stable prosperity can be achieved throughout the world provided the environment is nutured and safeguarded. Protecting this balance of nature is therefore one of the great challenges of the late Twentieth Century. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/107346 Speech to the Royal Society (27 September 1988)] *A man may climb Everest for himself, but at the summit he plants his country's flag. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/speeches/displaydocument.asp?docid=107352 Speech to Conservative Party Conference (14 October 1988)] *There is nothing new or unusual about the Tory commitment to protect the environment. The last thing we want is to leave environmental debts for our children to clear up...It's we Conservatives who are not merely friends of the Earth—we are its guardians and trustees for generations to come. The core of Tory philosophy and for the case for protecting the environment are the same. No generation has a freehold on this earth. All we have is a life tenancy—with a full repairing lease. This Government intends to meet the terms of that lease in full. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/107352 Speech to Conservative Party Conference (14 October 1988)] *In this country and in other democracies, the enemies of civilisation and freedom have turned to the gun and the bomb to destroy those they can't persuade. The terrorist threat to freedom is worldwide. It can never be met by appeasement. Give in to the terrorist and you breed more terrorism. At home and abroad our message is the same. We will not bargain, nor compromise, nor bend the knee to terrorists. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/speeches/displaydocument.asp?docid=107352 Speech to Conservative Party Conference (14 October 1988)] *In our United Kingdom, the main terrorist threat has come from the IRA. Their minds twisted by hatred and fanaticism, they have tried to bomb and murder their way to their objective of tearing more than a million citizens out of the United Kingdom. The truth is that the whole IRA campaign is based on crushing democracy and smashing anyone who doesn't agree with them. To all those who have suffered so much at their hands—to the Northern Ireland policemen and prison officers and their families, to the soldiers, the judges, the civil servants and their families—we offer our deepest admiration and thanks for defending democracy and for facing danger while keeping within the rule of law—unlike the terrorist who skulks in the shadows and shoots to kill...we will never give up the search for more effective ways of defeating the IRA. If the IRA think they can weary us or frighten us, they have made a terrible miscalculation. People sometimes say that it is wrong to use the word never in politics, I disagree, some things are of such fundamental importance that no other word is appropriate. So I say once again today that this Government will never surrender to the IRA. Never. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/speeches/displaydocument.asp?docid=107352 Speech to Conservative Party Conference (14 October 1988)] *Marxism has had it. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/107390 Press Conference for ''Washington Post'' and ''Newsweek'' (17 November 1988)] *I think male Prime Ministers one day will come back into fashion! **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/107022 TV Interview for TV-AM (30 December 1988)] *We have become a grandmother. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/speeches/displaydocument.asp?docid=107590 Statement to the press on the birth of her first grandchild (3 March 1989)] *The [[w:Delors Report|Delors report]] is aimed at a federal Europe, a common currency and a common economic policy, which would take many economic policies, including fiscal policy, out of the hands of the House, and that is completely unacceptable. It would also require a treaty amendment, which we do not believe would ever be passed by the House because of the lack of sovereignty that it would imply. **[https://api.parliament.uk/historic-hansard/commons/1989/apr/27/engagements#S6CV0151P0_19890427_HOC_126 Prime Ministers' Questions (27 April 1989)] * You know, if you just set out to be liked, you would be prepared to compromise on anything, wouldn't you, at any time? And you would achieve nothing! ** [http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/107427 Interview for Press Association (3 May 1989)] * Human rights did not begin with the French Revolution...[they] really stem from a mixture of Judaism and Christianity...[we English] had 1688, our quiet revolution, where Parliament exerted its will over the King...it was not the sort of Revolution that France's was...'Liberty, equality, fraternity' – they forgot obligations and duties I think. And then of course the fraternity went missing for a long time. **On the [[w:French Revolution|French Revolution]]; quoted in '"Les droits de l'homme n'ont pas commencé en France," nous déclare Mme Thatcher', ''Le Monde'' (13 July 1989) *The [[w:Poll tax (Great Britain)|community charge]] is a way of asking people to pay for what they vote for, and when they do, they will vote against Labour authorities. **[https://api.parliament.uk/historic-hansard/commons/1989/jul/20/engagements-1#column_517 Prime Ministers' Questions (20 July 1989)] * We do not want a united Germany. This would lead to a change to postwar borders, and we cannot allow that because such a development would undermine the stability of the whole international situation and could endanger our security. ** Talking to [[w:Mikhail Gorbachev|Mikhail Gorbachev]] at a [https://web.archive.org/web/20170524105058/http://www.thehindu.com/todays-paper/tp-opinion/How-Margaret-Thatcher-pleaded-with-Gorbachev-not-to-let-the-Berlin-Wall-fall-out-of-london/article16514846.ece luncheon meeting in Moscow in September 1989] *1989 will be remembered for decades to come as the year when half the people of half our continent began to throw off their chains. The messages on our banners in 1979—freedom, opportunity, family, enterprise, ownership—are now inscribed on the banners in Leipzig, Warsaw, Budapest and even Moscow...In 1979, we knew that we were starting a British revolution; in fact, we were the pioneers of a world revolution. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/107789 Speech to Conservative Party Conference (13 October 1989)] *Imagine a Labour canvasser talking on the doorstep to those East German families when they settle in, on freedom's side of the wall. "You want to keep more of the money you earn? I'm afraid that's very selfish. We shall want to tax that away. You want to own shares in your firm? We can't have that. The state has to own your firm. You want to choose where to send your children to school? That's very divisive. You'll send your child where we tell you." Mr President, the trouble with Labour is that they're just not at home with freedom. '''Socialists don't like ordinary people choosing, for they might not choose Socialism.''' **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/speeches/displaydocument.asp?docid=107789 Speech to Conservative Party Conference (13 October 1989)] *Advisers advise, Ministers decide! **[https://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/107800 TV Interview for TV-AM (Kuala Lumpur Commonwealth Summit) (24 October 1989)] *I think it is a great day for freedom. I watched the scenes on television last night and again this morning because I felt one ought not only hear about them but see them because you see the joy on people's faces and you see what freedom means to them; it makes you realise that you cannot stifle or suppress people's desire for liberty and so I watched with the same joy as everyone else and I hope that they will be a prelude to the Berlin Wall coming down. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/107819 Remarks on the Berlin Wall (10 November 1989)] * We've beaten the Germans twice and now they're back! ** She reportedly said on [[w:German reunification|Germany's reunification]], during EC-summit in December 1989, according to [[w:Helmut Kohl|Chancellor Helmut Kohl]] in his memoirs ''"Erinnerungen 1982-1990"'' published in 2005; as reported in [http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/main.jhtml?xml=/news/2005/11/03/wkohl03.xml&sSheet=/news/2005/11/03/ixworld.html "Thatcher's foot stamping fury, by Kohl" ''The Telegraph'' (3 November 2005)] *Socialism is a creed of the state. It regards ordinary human beings as the raw material for its schemes of social change. But we put our faith in people—in the millions of people who spend what they earn—not what other people earn. Who make sacrifices for their young family or their elderly parents. Who help their neighbours and take care of their neighbourhoods. The sort of people I grew up with. These are the people whom I became Leader of this Party to defend. **[https://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/108051 Speech to the Conservative Central Council in Cheltenham (31 March 1990)] *I have fought three elections against the BBC and I don't want to fight another election against it. **Remarks to Woodrow Wyatt on the [[w:Broadcasting Act 1990|Broadcasting Bill]] (11 June 1990), quoted in Sarah Curtis (ed.), ''The Journals of Woodrow Wyatt: Volume Two'' (Pan, 2000), p. 308 *I believe that the royal family are a focus of patriotism, of loyalty, of affection and of esteem. That is a rare combination, and we should value it highly. ** [http://www.margaretthatcher.org/speeches/displaydocument.asp?docid=108162 Speech in the House of Commons (24 July 1990)] *Iraq has violated and taken over the territory of a country which is a full member of the United Nations. That is totally unacceptable and if it were allowed to endure then there would be many other small countries that could never feel safe...The fundamental question is this: whether the nations of the world have the collective will effectively to see that Security Council Resolution is upheld, whether they have the collective will effectively to do anything which the Security Council further agrees to see that Iraq withdraws and that the government of Kuwait is restored to Kuwait. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/108170 Joint Press Conference with President Bush (2 August 1990)] * Today we are coming to realise that an epoch in history is over...For more than forty years that Iron Curtain remained in place. Few of us expected to see it lifted in our life-time. Yet with great suddenness the impossible has happened. Communism is broken, utterly broken...We do not see this new Soviet Union as an enemy, but as a country groping its way towards freedom. We no longer have to view the world through a prism of East-West relations. '''The Cold War is over.''' **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/108174 Speech to the Aspen Institute ("Shaping a New Global Community") (5 August 1990)] *Iraq's invasion of Kuwait defies every principle for which the United Nations stands. If we let it succeed, no small country can ever feel safe again. The law of the jungle would take over from the rule of law. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/108174 Speech to the Aspen Institute ("Shaping a New Global Community") (5 August 1990)] * I seem to smell the stench of appeasement in the air—the rather nauseating stench of appeasement. ** [http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/108234] On a parliament debate about the Gulf War *The toppling of the Berlin Wall. The overthrow of Ceausescu by the people he had so brutally oppressed. The first free elections in Eastern Europe for a generation. The spread of the ideas of market freedom and independence to the very heart of the Soviet Leviathan...'''Our friends from Eastern Europe reminded us that no force of arms, no walls, no barbed wire can for ever suppress the longing of the human heart for liberty and independence.''' Their courage found allies. Their victory came about because for forty long, cold years the West stood firm against the military threat from the East. Free enterprise overwhelmed Socialism. This Government stood firm against all those voices raised at home in favour of appeasement. We were criticised for intransigence. Tempted repeatedly with soft options. And reviled for standing firm against Soviet military threats. When will they learn? When will they ever learn? **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/108217 Speech to Conservative Party Conference (12 October 1990)] *Now again in the sands of the Middle East, principle is at stake. Mr President, dictators can be deterred, they can be crushed—but they can never be appeased. These things are not abstractions. What changed the world and what will save the world were principle and resolve. '''Our principles: freedom, independence, responsibility, choice—these and the democracy built upon them are Britain's special legacy to the world.''' And everywhere those who love liberty look to Britain. When they speak of parliaments they look to Westminster. When they speak of justice they look to our common law. And when they seek to regenerate their economies, they look to the transformation we British have accomplished. Principles and resolve: They are what changed Britain a decade ago. They are what the Conservative Party brings to Britain. And they alone can secure her freedom and prosperity in the years ahead. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/108217 Speech to Conservative Party Conference (12 October 1990)] *Last week, Mr President, I seemed to hear a strange sound emanating from Blackpool. And I thought at first it was seagulls. [''laughter''] Then I remembered that Labour was holding its annual Conference there. And I realised it wasn't seagulls, it was chickens—[''laughter and applause''] chickens being counted before they were hatched—[''laughter and applause''] except for Labour's call to enter the ERM and cut interest rates. That was a case of counting chickens after they'd flown the coop. Then, I heard voices getting all worked up about someone they kept calling the “Prime Minister in Waiting”. [''laughter''] It occurs to me, Mr President, that he might have quite a wait. [''applause''] I can see him now, like the people queuing up for the Winter sales. All got up with his camp bed, hot thermos, woolly balaclava, CND badge ... [''laughter and applause''] Waiting, waiting, waiting ... And then when the doors open, in he rushes—only to find that, as always, there's “that woman” ahead of him again. [''applause and laughter''] I gather there may be an adjective between “that” and “woman” [''laughter''] only no-one will tell me what it is. [''laughter and applause''] **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/108217 Speech to Conservative Party Conference (12 October 1990)] * Now, that brings me to the Liberal Party. I gather that during the last few days there have been some ill-natured jokes about their new symbol, a bird of some kind, adopted by the Liberal Democrats at Blackpool. Politics is a serious business, and one should not lower the tone unduly. So I will say only this of the Liberal Democrat symbol and of the party it symbolises. This is an ex-parrot. It is not merely stunned. It has ceased to be, expired and gone to meet its maker. It is a parrot no more. It has rung down the curtain and joined the choir invisible. This is a late parrot. And now for something completely different. ** [http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/108217 Speech to Conservative Party Conference (12 October 1990)]. Partially quoting from [https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Monty_Python%27s_Flying_Circus#Dead_Parrot_Sketch Monty Python's Dead Parrot Sketch]. * It seems like [[w:Cloud cuckoo land|cloud cuckoo land]]... If anyone is suggesting that I would go to Parliament and suggest the abolition of the pound sterling – no! … We have made it quite clear that we will not have a single currency imposed on us. ** Remarks to the media immediately after the EEC Rome summit meeting (28 October 1990), quoted in ''A Conservative Coup: The Fall of Margaret Thatcher'' (1992) by Alan Watkins. <!-- p. 142 --> * The President of the Commission, [[Jacques Delors|M. Delors]], said at a press conference the other day that he wanted the European Parliament to be the democratic body of the Community, he wanted the Commission to be the Executive and he wanted the Council of Ministers to be the Senate. '''No. No. No'''. ** [http://www.publications.parliament.uk/pa/cm198990/cmhansrd/1990-10-30/Debate-1.html Speech in the House of Commons (30 October 1990)] * I am still at the crease, though the bowling has been pretty hostile of late. And in case anyone doubted it, can I assure you there will be no ducking the bouncers, no stonewalling, no playing for time. The bowling's going to get hit all round the ground. That is my style. ** [http://www.margaretthatcher.org/speeches/displaydocument.asp?docid=108241 Speech to the Lord Mayor's Banquet at Guildhall (12 November 1990)] [[File:ThatcherProfile.JPG|thumb|I fight on, I fight to win.]] * I fight on, I fight to win. ** [http://www.margaretthatcher.org/speeches/displaydocument.asp?docid=108252 Remarks to journalists in Downing Street (21 November 1990)], following the inconclusive first ballot in the [[w:1990 Conservative Party leadership election|Conservative leadership election]] *'''Paddy Ashdown''': ...this is an agreement which the right hon. Lady will be entitled to regard with a certain pride and satisfaction as she looks back on the twilight days of her premiership...<br /> *'''Margaret Thatcher''': ...The first eleven and a half years have not been so bad – and with regard to a twilight, please remember that there are 24 hours in a day. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/speeches/displaydocument.asp?docid=108253 House of Commons statement on the CSCE Summit (21 November 1990)] *Having consulted widely among colleagues, I have concluded that the unity of the Party and the prospects of victory in a General Election would be better served if I stood down to enable Cabinet colleagues to enter the ballot for the leadership. I should like to thank all those in Cabinet and outside who have given me such dedicated support. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/108254 Statement] announcing her intention to resign the premiership (22 November 1990). * People on all levels of income are better off than they were in 1979. The hon. Gentleman is saying that '''he would rather that the poor were poorer, provided that the rich were less rich'''. That way one will never create the wealth for better social services. as we have. What a policy. Yes, he would rather have the poor poorer, provided that the rich were less rich. That is the Liberal policy. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/108256 From her last House of Commons speech (22 November 1990)]; response to M.P. Simon Hughes *It may be inverted snobbishness but I don't want old style, Old Etonian Tories of the old school to succeed me and go back to the old complacent, consensus ways. [[John Major]] is someone who has fought his way up from the bottom and is far more in tune with the skilled and ambitious and worthwhile working classes than [[Douglas Hurd]] is. **Remarks to Woodrow Wyatt (23 November 1990), quoted in Sarah Curtis (ed.), ''The Journals of Woodrow Wyatt: Volume Two'' (Pan, 2000), pp. 401-402 * We're leaving Downing Street for the last time after eleven-and-a-half wonderful years, and we're very happy that we leave the United Kingdom in a very, very much better state than when we came here eleven and a half years ago. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/108258 Remarks departing Downing Street (28 November 1990)] ===Post-Premiership=== [[File:Blomsterang.jpg|thumb|We fly the British flag, not these awful things you are putting on tails.]] * Americans and Europeans alike sometimes forget how unique is the United States of America. No other nation has been created so swiftly and successfully. No other nation has been built upon an idea – the idea of liberty. No other nation has so successfully combined people of different races and nations within a single culture. Both the founding fathers of the United States and successive waves of immigrants to your country were determined to create a new identity. Whether in flight from persecution or from poverty, the huddled masses have, with few exceptions, welcomed American values, the American way of life and American opportunities. And America herself has bound them to her with powerful bonds of patriotism and pride. The European nations are not and can never be like this. They are the product of history and not of philosophy. You can construct a nation on an idea; but you cannot reconstruct a nation on the basis of one. ** [http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/108264 Speech at Hoover Institution Lunch (8 March 1991)] ** This quote appears to be the basis for the following condensed version, seen on numerous internet sites : ''Europe was created by history. America was created by philosophy.'' * When people are free to choose, they choose freedom. ** [http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/108266 Speech to the Industrial League of Orange County (14 March 1991)] *But freedom without law is freedom only for the strong at the expense of the weak. Freedom without law is therefore no freedom, but rather anarchy or tyranny. Law is the bond of all civil society. We are not asking a favour of a man when we ask him to obey the law. Obedience of the rule of law is necessary for the continuance of liberty itself. Doubtless you will point out that laws have not always been just—indeed they have been very unjust. In South Africa that certainly has been the case. Thankfully, that is now being remedied. And alongside that, democracy has yet to be achieved. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/108268 Speech in South Africa (20 May 1991)] * Our sovereignty does not come from Brussels—it is ours by right and by heritage. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/108276 Speech in the House of Commons (26 June 1991)] * Member for Islwyn was going to have a single currency willy-nilly. He has already made up his mind. The argument that he uses is that, if others have it, we must. That is an argument for a flock of sheep, not for people who are sent here to analyse the problem and to use our minds and our reason to say which course we should follow. ** [http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/108291 Speech in the House of Commons (20 November 1991)] * It is a great night. It is the end of Socialism. ** On hearing the results of the [[w:United Kingdom general election, 1992|1992 general election]] (9 April 1992), as reported in ''The Journals of Woodrow Wyatt: Volume Two'' (2000) by Woodrow Wyatt. <!-- p. 691 --> *The trouble with you John, is that your spine does not reach your brain. **On Conservative backbencher [[w:John Whittingdale|John Whittingdale]] after being summoned to her room to urge MPs to vote against the Maastricht Treaty. Whittingdale was reported to have emerged from the room in tears. (''The Times'' 26 November 1992) *We could have stopped this, we could still do so... But for the most part, we in the west have actually given comfort to the aggressor. **On Western non-intervention in Bosnia, as reported in 'Thatcher warns of "Holocaust" risk in Bosnia appeal' by Anthony Bevins and Stephen Goodwin in ''The Independent'' (17 December 1992) *I set out to destroy socialism because I felt it was at odds with the character of the people. We were the first country in the world to roll back the frontiers of socialism, then roll forward the frontiers of freedom. We reclaimed our heritage; we are renewing it and carrying it forward. **Quoted from Margaret Thatcher, Article for Newsweek “Don’t undo my work” (27 April 1992) *I didn't realise how absolutely useless they [the House of Lords] are. There they are, they just go along to collect £15,000 a year... They've got no guts. They should be defending Britain against the transfer of power to [[w:Maastricht Treaty|Maastricht]] and our loss of sovereignty and our loss of identity... If they were bigger men, they would take the risk. Actually, I think they are quite useless and they ought to be abolished. They are no good at all. **Remarks to Woodrow Wyatt (27 January 1993), quoted in Woodrow Wyatt, ''The Journals of Woodrow Wyatt, Volume Three'', ed. Sarah Curtis (2000), p. 166 * [It is a] killing field of the like of which I thought we would never see in Europe again [and is] not worthy of Europe, not worthy of the west and not worthy of the United States... This is happening in the heart of Europe and we have not done more to stop it. It is in Europe's sphere of influence. It should be in Europe's sphere of conscience... We are little more than an accomplice to massacre. **Response to the UK Foreign Secretary Douglas Hurd after he claimed that lifting the arms embargo to Bosnians would create a "level killing field", as reported in 'Thatcher says massacre brings shame on west' by Philip Webster and Robert Morgan in ''The Times'' (14 April 1993) * Clear. Decisive. Purposeful. ** When asked how she would describe her leadership style. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TJ8ly-Kwn6s&feature=youtu.be&t=5m1s] * Douglas, Douglas, you would make [[Neville Chamberlain]] look like a warmonger. **On [[Douglas Hurd]], as quoted in "Atticus", ''The Sunday Times'' (2 May 1993) *I could never have signed this treaty. I hope that that is clear to all who have heard me. ** [http://www.margaretthatcher.org/speeches/displaydocument.asp?docid=108314 Speech to the House of Lords] rejecting the [[w:Maastricht Treaty|Maastricht Treaty]] (7 June 1993) *We weren't getting a fair deal on the budget and I wasn't going to have it. There's a great strand of equity and fairness in the British people – this is our characteristic. There's not a strand of equity or fairness in Europe – they're out to get as much as they can. That's one of those enormous differences. So I tackled it on that basis. **On the UK's contribution to the EEC budget; interview for ''Thatcher: The Downing Street Years'' (1993), quoted in Iain Dale (ed.), ''As I Said to Denis...: The Margaret Thatcher Book of Quotations'' (1997), pp. 81-82 *When I'm out of politics I'm going to run a business, it'll be called 'rent-a-spine'. ** Quoted from an interview for the television programme "The Thatcher Years - Part 2" on BBC1 [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AEYPKLyug5c The Thatcher Years 2 of 4] (13 October 1993) *We were the first country to attempt and to succeed in rolling back the frontiers of socialism, which is the first cousin to communism. *Socialists don't like people to do things for themselves. Socialists like to get people dependent on the state! You never build a great society that way. * The interviewer Stina Dabrowski said to Thatcher: "So when people criticise you and say what it led to the period when you were prime minister was that the rich became richer and the poor and the became poorer." Thatcher replied "That is not correct. The poor also became less poor, because the benefits at the bottom for those who are genuinely poor do go up. Money spend on education goes up and on the Health Service goes up so that is not true. What happens you might get a bigger gap but you might start here creates a small gap particularly if you're paying top tax today - 83% on earnings and income and 98% on savings. Your gap goes up, it does go up, but the whole thing moves up the gap, you must give people incentive! ** Quoted from an interview with Stina Dabrowski. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p_gnhy7eT1s Margaret Thatcher on rising to power, and resigning from it] (1995) *[M]ore than they wanted freedom, the Athenians wanted security. Yet they lost everything—security, comfort, and freedom. This was because they wanted not to give to society, but for society to give to them. The freedom they were seeking was freedom from responsibility. It is no wonder, then, that they ceased to be free. In the modern world, we should recall the Athenians' dire fate whenever we confront demands for increased state paternalism. **[http://imprimisarchives.hillsdale.edu/file/archives/pdf/1995_03_Imprimis.pdf ''Imprimis,'' "The Moral Foundations of Society" (March 1995),] an edited version of a lecture Thatcher had delivered at [[Wikipedia:Hillsdale College|Hillsdale College]] in November 1994. In characterizing the Athenians Thatcher was paraphrasing from "Athens' Failure," a chapter of classicist Edith Hamilton's book ''The Echo of Greece'' (1957), [http://www.ergo-sum.net/books/Hamilton_EchoOfGreece_pp.47-48.jpg pp.47-48,] but in her lecture Thatcher mistakenly attributed the opinions to [[Edward Gibbon]]. Subsequently, a version of this quotation has been widely circulated on the Internet, misattributed to Gibbon. **In a later address, [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bb1sgMoYb70 "The Moral Foundation of Democracy,"] given in April 1996 at a Clearwater, Florida gathering of the [[James Madison Institute]], Thatcher delivered the same sentiment in a slightly different way: " 'In the end, more than they wanted freedom, [the Athenians] wanted security. They wanted a comfortable life. But they lost it all—security, comfort, and freedom. … When the Athenians finally wanted not to give to society, but for society to give to them, when the freedom they wished for most was freedom from responsibility, then Athens ceased to be free.' There you have the germ of the dependency culture: freedom from responsibility." *The kind of Conservatism which he and I...favoured would be best described as "liberal", in the old-fashioned sense. And I mean the liberalism of Mr Gladstone not of the latter day collectivists. That is to say, we placed far greater confidence in individuals, families, businesses and neighbourhoods than in the State. **[http://www.margaretthatcher.org/speeches/displaydocument.asp?docid=108353 Keith Joseph Memorial Lecture (11 January 1996)] * I am not sure what is meant by those who say that the Party should return to something called "One Nation Conservatism". As far as I can tell by their views on European federalism, such people's creed would be better described as "No Nation Conservatism". ** [http://www.margaretthatcher.org/speeches/displaydocument.asp?docid=108353 Keith Joseph Memorial Lecture (11 January 1996)] * The fightback begins now! ** In a telephone call to [[w:Michael Portillo|Michael Portillo]] the morning after the [[w:UK General Election 1997|1997 General Election]] * We fly the British flag, not these awful things you are putting on tails. ** [http://www.apnewsarchive.com/1997/Thatcher-takes-aim-at-British-Airways-tail-logos/id-c5a90438a0daf5287b2a3acd7403fc89 Statement to British Airways when they were changing their tail fin logos (9 October 1997)] * In my lifetime all our problems have come from mainland Europe and all the solutions have come from the English-speaking nations across the world. ** [http://www.thefreelibrary.com/Did+they+REALLY+say+that%3F+AS+A+SHORTLIST+IS+COMPILED+OF+THE+YEAR%27S...-a0109790331 Speech to Scottish Tories in 1999] * On my way here I passed a local cinema and it turns out you were expecting me after all, for the billboards read: ''[[wikipedia:The Mummy Returns|The Mummy Returns]]''. ** [http://www.margaretthatcher.org/speeches/displaydocument.asp?docid=108389 Speech to Conservative Election Rally in Plymouth (22 May, 2001)] * [[Tony Blair]] and [[w:New Labour|New Labour]]. We forced our opponents to change their minds. ** When asked what her greatest achievement was. *** At a dinner reception in 2002, as related by [[w:Conor Burns|Conor Burns]] in the [https://conservativehome.blogs.com/centreright/2008/04/making-history.html ''ConservativeHome'', 11 April 2008]. *I might have preferred iron, but bronze will do. It won't rust. And, this time I hope, the head will stay on. **"[http://legacy.utsandiego.com/news/world/20070221-1456-britain-thatcher-statue.html Statue of Margaret Thatcher unveiled at British Parliament]", Associated Press, 21 February 2007. **On the unveiling of a statue of her in the Members' Lobby of the House of Commons. Baroness Thatcher referred to a previous marble statue which was [http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/2091200.stm decapitated] in 2002. *I never hugged him, I bombed him. **Referring to Colonel Muammar Gaddafi, specifically to pictures of Tony Blair embracing him ***Related by Conor Burns MP at [[w:Young Britons' Foundation|Young Britons' Foundation]] Reception, via [http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/africaandindianocean/libya/8378222/Libya-Margaret-Thatcher-gives-Colonel-Gaddafis-Labour-friends-a-history-lesson.html <i>The Telegraph</i>, 13th March 2011, Richard Eden] *I had applied for a job [at [[w:Imperial Chemical Industries|Imperial Chemical Industries]]] in 1948 and was called for a personal interview. However I failed to get selected. Many years later, I succeeded in finding out why I had been rejected. The remarks written by the selectors on my application were: "This woman is headstrong, obstinate and dangerously self-opinionated!" ** Quoted by K. Sathyanarayana in ''[http://books.google.com/books?id=5ggWAQAAMAAJ&q=&quot;I+had+applied+for+a+job+in+1948+and+was+called+for+a+personal+interview.+However+I+failed+to+get+selected+Many+years+later%2C+I+succeeded+in+finding+out+why+I+had+been+rejected+The+remarks+written+by+the+selectors+on+my+application+were+This+woman+is+headstrong+obstinate+and+dangerously+self-opinionated&quot; The Power of Humor at the Workplace]'' (2007) === ''The Downing Street Years'' (1993) === * No theory of government was ever given a fairer test or a more prolonged experiment in a democratic country than democratic socialism received in Britain. Yet it was a miserable failure in every respect. Far from reversing the slow relative decline of Britain ''vis-à-vis'' its main industrial competitors, it accelerated it. We fell further behind them, until by 1979 we were widely dismissed as 'the sick man of Europe'. ... To cure the British disease with socialism was like trying to cure leukaemia with leeches. **pp. 7-8 *[[William Pitt, 1st Earl of Chatham|Chatham]] famously remarked: 'I know that I can save this country and that no one else can.' It would have been presumptuous of me to have compared myself to Chatham. But if I am honest, I must admit that my exhilaration came from a similar inner conviction. **p. 10 *It was at Strasbourg...that I overheard a foreign government official make a stray remark that pleased me as much as any I can remember: 'Britain is back,' he said. **p. 64 **During the European Council meeting at Strasbourg in June 1979, Thatcher had demanded a rebate in Britain's contribution to the EEC budget *The significance of the [[w:Falklands War|Falklands War]] was enormous, both for Britain's self-confidence and for our standing in the world...We had come to be seen by both friends and enemies as a nation which lacked the will and the capability to defend its interests in peace, let alone in war. Victory in the Falklands changed that. Everywhere I went after the war, Britain's name meant something more than it had. The war also had real importance in relations between East and West: years later I was told by a Russian general that the Soviets had been firmly convinced that we would not fight for the Falklands, and that if we did fight we would lose. We proved them wrong on both counts, and they did not forget the fact. **pp. 173-174 *But when you are at war you cannot allow the difficulties to dominate your thinking: you have to set out with an iron will to overcome them. And anyway what was the alternative? That a common or garden dictator should rule over the Queen's subjects and prevail by fraud and violence? Not while I was prime minister. **p. 181 *Unlike some of my colleagues, I never ceased to believe that, other things being equal, the level of unemployment was related to the extent of trade union power. The unions had priced many of their members out of jobs by demanding excessive wages for insufficient output, so making British goods uncompetitive. **p. 272 *Labour's own drift to the left and the extremism of the trade unions had disillusioned and fractured its traditional support. The [[w:Social Democratic Party (UK)|SDP]] and the [[w:Liberal Party (UK)|Liberals]] failed to grasp the significance of what was happening. They projected their appeal to the middle-class Left, especially those who worked in the public sector, probably, I suspect, because [[Roy Jenkins]] and [[w:Shirley Williams|Shirley Williams]] instinctively sought out their own kind and allowed that instinct to overcome their judgement. In fact, the more numerous and dissatisfied Labour supporters were in the rising working and lower-middle class – the same group that in America [[Ronald Reagan]] was winning over and who were known as '[[w:Reagan Democrat|Reagan Democrats]]'. They were benefiting from the opportunities we had made available, especially the sale of council houses; more important, they shared our values, including a strong belief in family life and an intense patriotism. We now had an opportunity to bring them into the Conservative fold. **p. 298 *I had by now come to share [[Nigel Lawson|Nigel]]'s high opinion of himself. **p. 309 *From 1972 until 1985 the conventional wisdom was that Britain could only be governed with the consent of the trade unions. No government could really resist, still less defeat, a major strike; in particular a strike by the miners' union. ... [M]any on the left and outside it continued to believe that the miners had the ultimate veto and would one day use it. That day had now come and gone. Our determination to resist a strike emboldened the ordinary trade unionist to defy the militants. What the strike's defeat established was that Britain could not be made ungovernable by the Fascist Left. Marxists wanted to defy the law of the land in order to defy the laws of economics. They failed, and in doing so demonstrated just how mutually dependent the free economy and a free society really are. It is a lesson no one should forget. **pp. 377–378 **On the [[w:UK miners' strike (1984–85)|1984–1985 miners' strike]] *When the [[w:Norman Fowler, Baron Fowler|Norman Fowlers]] of this world believe that they can afford to rebel, you know that things are bad. **p. 440 *The star of that year's conference was undoubtedly the Swedish conservative leader&mdash;since Prime Minister&mdash;who delivered a speech of such startling Thatcherite soundness that in applauding I felt as if I was giving myself a standing ovation. **p. 500 **On [[w:Carl Bildt|Carl Bildt]]'s speech to the [[w:International Democratic Union|International Democratic Union]] *I have enormous admiration for the Jewish people, inside or outside Israel. There have always been Jewish members of my staff and indeed my Cabinet. In fact I just wanted a Cabinet of clever, energetic people – and frequently that turned out to be the same thing. My old constituency of Finchley has a large Jewish population. In the thirty-three years I represented it I never had a Jew come in poverty and desperation to one of my constituency surgeries. They had always been looked after by their own community. **p. 509 *I often wished that...Christians themselves would take closer note of the Jewish emphasis on self-help and acceptance of personal responsibility. On top of all that, the political and economic construction of [[Israel]] against huge odds and bitter adversaries is one of the heroic sagas of our age. They really made 'the desert bloom'. I only wished that Israeli emphasis on the human rights of the Russian ''refuseniks'' was matched by proper appreciation of the plight of landless and stateless Palestinians. **p. 510 *The colour of someone's skin should not determine his or her political rights. **p. 513 *I was lectured on my political morality, on my preferring British jobs to black lives, on my lack of concern for human rights. One after the other, their accusations became more vitriolic and personal until I could stand it no longer. To their palpable alarm I began to tell my African critics a few home truths. I noted that they were busily trading with South Africa at the same time as they were attacking me for refusing to apply sanctions. I wondered when they intended to show similar concern about abuses in the Soviet Union, with which of course they often had not just trade but close political links. I wondered when I was going to hear them attack terrorism. I reminded them of their own less than impressive record on human rights. And when the representative from Uganda took me to task for racial discrimination, I turned on him and reminded him of the Asians which Uganda had thrown out on racial grounds, many of whom had come to settle in my constituency in North London, where they were model citizens and doing very well. **p. 517 **On the [[w:Commonwealth Heads of Government Meeting 1985|Commonwealth Heads of Government Meeting]] at Nassau in October 1985, where Thatcher opposed sanctions on South Africa *I never confused the leader page of the ''[[w:The Guardian|Guardian]]'' with ''[[w:Vox populi|vox populi]]''. **p. 561 *I had great regard for the Victorians for many reasons. ... I never felt uneasy about praising 'Victorian values' or – the phrase I originally used – ‘Victorian virtues’ ... [T]hey distinguished between the 'deserving' and the 'undeserving poor'. Both groups should be given help; but it must be help of very different kinds if public spending is not just going to reinforce the dependency culture. The problem with our welfare state was that...we had failed to remember that distinction and so we provided the same 'help' to those who had genuinely fallen into difficulties and needed some support till they could get out of them, as to those who had simply lost the will or habit of work and self-improvement. The purpose of help must not be to allow people to live a half-life, but to restore their self-discipline and through that their self-esteem. **p. 627 *The press was full of outraged criticism of the [[w:Poll tax (Great Britain)|community charge]] from Conservative supporters. What hurt me was that the very people who had always looked to me for protection from exploitation by the socialist state were those who were suffering most. These were the people who were just above the level at which community charge benefit stopped but who were by no means well off and who had scrimped and saved to buy their homes. **p. 658 *A whole class of people – an '[[w:Underclass|underclass]]' if you will – had been dragged back into the ranks of responsible society and asked to become not just dependants but citizens. The violent [[w:Poll tax riots|riots of 31 March]] in and around Trafalgar Square was their and the Left's response. And the eventual abandonment of the charge represented one of the greatest victories for these people ever conceded by a Conservative Government. **p. 661 *[D]uring my second term of office as Prime Minister, certain harmful features and tendencies in the European Community started to become ­evident. Against the notable gains constituted by the securing of Britain's budget rebate and progress towards a real Common – or 'Single' – Market had to be set a more powerful Commission ambitious for power, an inclination towards bureaucratic rather than market solutions to economic problems and the re-emergence of a Franco-German axis with its own covert federalist and protectionist agenda. As yet, however, the full implications of all this were unclear – even to me, distrustful as I always was of that un-British combination of high-flown rhetoric and pork-barrel politics which passed for European statesmanship. **p. 727 *I always regarded [[free trade]] as far more important than all the other ambitious and often counter-productive strategies of global economic policy – for example the policies of 'co-ordinated growth' which led principally to inflation. Free trade provided a means not only for poorer countries to earn foreign currency and increase their peoples' standards of living. It was also a force for peace, freedom and political decentralization: peace, because economic links between nations reinforce mutual understanding with mutual interest; freedom, because trade between individuals bypasses the apparatus of the state and disperses power to customers not planners; political decentralization, because the size of the political unit is not dictated by the size of the market and vice versa. **p. 739 *Not the least of those opponents was [[Jacques Delors]]. By the summer of 1988 he had altogether slipped his leash as a ''fonctionnaire'' and become a fully fledged political spokesman for federalism. The blurring of the roles of civil servants and elected representatives was more in the continental tradition than in ours. It proceeded from the widespread distrust which their voters had for politicians in countries like France and Italy. That same distrust also fuelled the federalist express. If you have no real confidence in the political system or political leaders of your own country you are bound to be more tolerant of foreigners of manifest intelligence, ability and integrity like M. Delors telling you how to run your affairs. Or to put it more bluntly, if I were an Italian I might prefer rule from Brussels too. But the mood in Britain was different. I sensed it. More than that, I shared it and I decided that the time had come to strike out against what I saw as the erosion of democracy by centralization and bureaucracy, and to set out an alternative view of Europe's future. **p. 742 *Were British democracy, parliamentary sovereignty, the common law, our traditional sense of fairness, our ability to run our own affairs in our own way to be subordinated to the demands of a remote European bureaucracy, resting on very different traditions? I had by now heard about as much of the European 'ideal' as I could take; I suspected that many others had too. In the name of this ideal, waste, corruption and abuse of power were reaching levels which no one who supported, as I had done, entry to the European Economic Community could have foreseen. **p. 743 *For me as a British Conservative, with [[Edmund Burke]] the father of Conservatism and first great perceptive critic of the [[French Revolution|Revolution]] as my ideological mentor, the events of 1789 represent a perennial illusion in politics. The French Revolution was a Utopian attempt to overthrow a traditional order — one with many imperfections, certainly — in the name of abstract ideas, formulated by vain intellectuals, which lapsed, not by chance but through weakness and wickedness, into purges, mass murder and war. In so many ways it anticipated the still more terrible [[Russian Revolution|Bolshevik Revolution]] of 1917. The English tradition of liberty, however, grew over the centuries: its most marked features are continuity, respect for law and a sense of balance, as demonstrated by the [[w:Glorious Revolution|Glorious Revolution]] of 1688. **p. 753 *Orthodox finance, low levels of regulation and taxation, a minimal bureaucracy, strong defence, a willingness to stand up for Britain's interests wherever and whenever threatened – I did not believe that I had to open windows into men's souls on these matters. The arguments for them seemed to me to have been won. I now know that such arguments are never finally won. **p. 755 *I was determined to accept the invitation I had earlier received from [[w:Wojciech Jaruzelski|General Jaruzelski]] to go to [[Poland]]. I always felt the greatest affection and admiration for this nation of indomitable patriots, whose traditions and distinctive identity the Prussians, Austrians and Russians (in the eighteenth and nineteenth centuries) and the Nazis and communists (in the twentieth century) had sought vainly to extinguish. I could not forget the Polish airmen who had fought with the RAF against Nazism, and how a war begun over the freedom of Poland had ended leaving them trapped under tyranny. **p. 777 *[[Geoffrey Howe]] from this point on would be remembered not for his staunchness as Chancellor, nor for his skilful diplomacy as Foreign Secretary, but for this final act of bile and treachery. The very brilliance with which he wielded the dagger ensured that the character he assassinated was in the end his own. **p. 840 *I was sick at heart. I could have resisted the opposition of opponents and potential rivals and even respected them for it; but what grieved me was the desertion of those I had always considered friends and allies and the weasel words whereby they had transmuted their betrayal into frank advice and concern for my fate. **p. 855 [[File:Photograph of the G-7 Economic Summit in Williamsburg, Virginia (left to right) Pierre Trudeau, Gaston Thorn, Helmut... - NARA - 198538.jpg|244px|thumb|right|To me, consensus seems to be the process of abandoning all beliefs, principles, values and policies. So it is something in which no one believes and to which no one objects.]] ===''The Path To Power'' (1995)<ref>The Path to Power by Margaret Thatcher </ref> === *Nazism (national Socialism) and communism (international socialism) were but two sides of the same coin. *We all see these great calamities with different eyes, and so their impact upon us is different. *The main contribution one can make as a student to one's country in peace or wartime is to study hard and effectively. *Each demand for security, whether of employment, income or social position, implied the exclusion from such benefits of those outside the particular privileged group - and would generate demands for countervailing privileges from the excluded groups. Eventually, in such a situation every will lose. *Everyone had something unique to offer in life and their responsibility was to develop those gifts - and heroes come from all backgrounds. *You cannot build a great nation or brotherhood of man by spreading envy or hatred. *Our opponents like to try and make you believe that Conservatism is a privilege of the few. But Conservatism conserves all that is great and best in our national heritage. *It is not our policy to suppress success. *Our policy is not built on envy or hatred, but on liberty for the individual man or woman. *Communism was the regime for the privileged elite, capitalism the creed for the common man. *When you stop selecting by ability you have to select according to some other inevitably less satisfactory criterion. *Those who use this countries great tradition of freedom of speech should not seek to deny that same freedom to others, especially to those who, like Mr Powell, spent their war years in distinguished service in the Forces. *Many senior policemen put greater emphasis on maintaining 'order' than on upholding the law. In practice that meant failing to uphold the rights of individuals against the rule of the mob. ===''Statecraft: Strategies for a Changing World''=== {{cite book |last=Thatcher |first=Margaret |authorlink=Margaret Thatcher |title=Statecraft: Strategies for a Changing World |year=2002 |publisher=HarperCollins |location=New York |isbn=0-06-095912-6 }} * For my part, I favour an approach to statecraft that embraces principles, as long as it is not stifled by them; and I prefer such principles to be accompanied by steel along with good intentions. **p. xxii * We now know that bin Laden's terrorists had been planning their outrages for years. The propagation of their mad, bad ideology – decency forbids calling it a religion – had been taking place before our eyes. We were just too blind to see it. In short, the world had never ceased to be dangerous. But the West had ceased to be vigilant. Surely that is the most important lesson of this tragedy, and we must learn it if our civilisation is to survive. **p. xxv * The habit of ubiquitous interventionism, combining pinprick strikes by precision weapons with pious invocations of high principle, would lead us into endless difficulties. Interventions must be limited in number and overwhelming in their impact. **p. 37 * I should therefore prefer to restrict my guidelines to the following: ** Don't believe that military interventions, no matter how morally justified, can succeed without clear military goals ** Don't fall into the trap of imagining that the West can remake societies ** Don't take public opinion for granted – but don't either underrate the degree to which good people will endure sacrifices for a worthwhile cause ** Don't allow tyrants and aggressors to get away with it ** And when you fight – fight to win. ***p. 39 * The West as a whole in the early 1990s became obsessed with a 'peace dividend' that would be spent over and over again on any number of soft-hearted and sometimes soft-headed causes. Politicians forgot that the only real peace dividend is peace. **p. 40 * Never believe that technology ''alone'' will allow America to prevail as a superpower. **p. 47 * But if Saddam had been in a position credibly to threaten America or any of its allies – or the coalition's forces – with attack by missiles with nuclear warheads, would we have gone to the Gulf at all? **p. 49 [[File:Margaret Thatcher abstract 1.jpg|thumb|For every idealistic peacemaker willing to renounce his self-defence in favour of a weapons-free world, there is at least one warmaker anxious to exploit the other's good intentions.]] * For every idealistic peacemaker willing to renounce his self-defence in favour of a weapons-free world, there is at least one warmaker anxious to exploit the other's good intentions. **p. 50 * Successful entrepreneurship is ultimately a matter of flair. But there is also a fund of practical knowledge to be acquired and, of course, the right legal and financial framework has to be provided for productive enterprise to develop. **p. 65 * It is always important in matters of high politics to know what you do not know. Those who think they know, but are mistaken, and act upon their mistakes, are the most dangerous people to have in charge. **p. 104 * Singapore's success shows us that: ** A country's wealth need not depend on natural resources, it may even ultimately benefit from their absence ** The greatest resource of all is Man ** What government has to do is to set the framework for human talent to flourish. **p. 118 * All corporatism – even when practised in societies where hard work, enterprise and cooperation are as highly valued as in Korea – encourages inflexibility, discourages individual accountability, and risks magnifying errors by concealing them. **p. 121 * My father, more perceptive than many, wryly commented that by the time I was an adult there might not be an Indian Civil Service to enter. He turned out to be right. I had to settle for British politics instead. **p. 195 * Patched-up diplomatic solutions designed to answer the needs of the moment rarely last, and as they unravel they can actually make things worse. **p. 203 * North Korea desperately needed the foreign currency which this lethal trade could bring; its role as chief 'rogue' reinforced its prestige among anti-Western states, near and far; and it could also hope at the right moment to extort new instalments of Danegeld from America and her allies. **p. 212 * Constitutions have to be written on hearts, not just paper. **p. 256 * You only have to wade through a metric measure or two of European prose, culled from its directives, circulars, reports, communiqués or what pass as debates in its 'parliament', and you will quickly understand that Europe is, in truth, synonymous with bureaucracy – to which one might add 'to', 'from' and 'with' bureaucracy if one were so minded. **p. 324 * What we should grasp, however, from the lessons of European history is that, first, there is nothing necessarily benevolent about programmes of European integration; second, the desire to achieve grand utopian plans often poses a grave threat to freedom; and third, European unity has been tried before, and the outcome was far from happy. **p. 327 * 'Europe' in anything other than the geographical sense is a wholly artificial construct. It makes no sense at all to lump together [[Beethoven]] and [[Debussy]], [[Voltaire]] and Burke, [[Vermeer]] and [[Picasso]], Notre Dame and St Paul's, boiled beef and bouillabaisse, and portray them as elements of a 'European' musical, philosophical, artistic, architectural or gastronomic reality. If Europe charms us, as it has so often charmed me, it is precisely because of its contrasts and contradictions, not its coherence and continuity. ** p. 328 * Not that this appears to affect the intentions of the political-bureaucratic elite, which in Britain as elsewhere in Europe believes that it has an overriding mission to achieve European integration by hook or by crook and which is convinced that History (with an extra-large 'H') is on its side. **p. 388 == Attributed == * The feminists hate me, don't they? And I don’t blame them. For I hate feminism. It is poison. ** As quoted by Paul Johnson in [http://www.spectator.co.uk/features/6766663/failure-of-the-feminists/ Failure of the Feminists], ''The Spectator'', 12 March, 2011. * It may be the [[Chickens#Cocks|cock]] that crows, but it is the [[Chickens#Hens|hen]] that lays the [[eggs]]. ** As quoted in ''Animal Sciences: The Biology, Care, and Production of Domestic Animals'' (2009) by John R. Campbell, M. Douglas Kenealy, Karen L. Campbell, p. 68 *Oh, those poor shopkeepers! **Remark upon seeing the first pictures of the [[w:1981 Toxteth riots|Toxteth riots]] (''c''. July 1981), quoted in Hugo Young, ''One of Us'' (Pan, 1993), p. 239 *The problem is the [[Elizabeth II of the United Kingdom|Queen]] is the kind of woman who could vote [[w:Social Democratic Party (UK)|SDP]]. **Remark to Brian Walden on ''The Sunday Times''{{'}} article about her relationship with the Queen (26 April 1988), quoted in Andrew Neil, ''Full Disclosure'' (Pan, 1997), p. 256 {{disputed begin}} ==Disputed== * Victorian values. ** This phrase, often associated with Thatcher, derives from an [http://www.margaretthatcher.org/speeches/displaydocument.asp?docid=105087 interview with Brian Walden on ''Weekend World'' (16 January, 1983)]. However, it is Brian Walden who says, in summarising Margaret Thatcher, "you've really outlined an approval of what I would call Victorian values". ** P.M. Thatcher made this observation shortly thereafter : ''The other day I appeared on a certain television programme. And I was asked whether I was trying to restore ‘Victorian values.’ I said straight out, yes I was. And I am. And if you ask me whether I believe in the puritan work ethic, I’ll give you an equally straight answer to that too.'' *** [http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/105244 From a speech to the Glasgow Chamber of Commerce (January 28, 1983)] ** Thatcher also gave the following quote a few weeks later : ''I was brought up by a Victorian grandmother. You were taught to work jolly hard, you were taught to improve yourself, you were taught self-reliance, you were taught to live within your income, you were taught that cleanliness was next to godliness. You were taught self-respect, you were taught always to give a hand to your neighbour, you were taught tremendous pride in your country, you were taught to be a good member of your community. All of these things are Victorian values. [...] They are also perennial values as well.'' *** [http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/105291 Radio Interview for IRN programme ‘The Decision Makers’ (April 15, 1983)] ; conducted by Peter Allen * You may have to fight a battle more than once to win it. ** This quote is widely attributed to Margaret Thatcher on various websites, and also appears in a number of books, including ''The Concise Columbia Dictionary of Quotations'', Columbia University Press (1989), ed. Robert Andrews, p. 320 : <small> {{ISBN|0231069901}}. 9780231069908 </small>, but without any further source information such as date, location or any other context. ** One valid Thatcher quote which may be the basis for the version above appears in the [http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/105799 Second Carlton Lecture] (‘Why Democracy Will Last’), delivered at the Carlton Club, London (November 26, 1984) : ''Mr. Chairman, each generation has to stand up for democracy. It can’t take anything for granted and may have to fight fundamental battles anew. You know that marvellous quotation from Goethe : ‘That which thy fathers bequeathed thee / Earn it anew if thou would possess it.’'' ** Thatcher also expressed this thought in a [http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/111266 Speech to Atlantic Bridge (May 14, 2003)], delivered at the St. Regis Hotel, New York City : ''My friends, every generation has to fight anew the battle for liberty.'' * Remember, George, this is no time to go wobbly. ** To President George H.W. Bush, regarding the Persian Gulf conflict, as reported in [http://community.seattletimes.nwsource.com/archive/?date=19910308&slug=1270460 an AP story] published March 8,1991 ** Former Vice President Dick Cheney : ''It’s an old wives’ story.'' *** [http://video.foxnews.com/v/2287344111001/dick-cheney-pays-tribute-to-margaret-thatcher/ Fox News interview (April 8, 2013)] with Greta Van Susteren that focused on his recollections of Prime Minister Thatcher ** [http://www.politifact.com/truth-o-meter/statements/2013/apr/10/dick-cheney/dick-cheney-margaret-thatcher-go-wobbly/ PolitiFact.com], after a fairly extensive review of available source material, concluded, ''We rate Cheney’s claim False.'' {{disputed end}} {{Misattributed begin}} ==Misattributed== *A man who, beyond the age of 26, finds himself on a bus can count himself as a failure. **Attributed to her in [http://www.parliament.the-stationery-office.co.uk/pa/cm200203/cmhansrd/vo030702/debtext/30702-10.htm Commons debates, 2003-07-02, column 407] and [http://www.publications.parliament.uk/pa/cm200304/cmhansrd/vo040615/debtext/40615-20.htm#40615-20_spnew1 Commons debates, 2004-06-15 column 697]. According to a [http://www.telegraph.co.uk/core/Content/displayPrintable.jhtml?xml=/opinion/2006/11/02/nosplit/dt0201.xml&site=15&page=0 letter] to the ''Daily Telegraph'' by Alistair Cooke on 2 November 2006, this sentiment originated with Loelia Ponsonby, one of the wives of [[w:Hugh Grosvenor, 2nd Duke of Westminster|2nd Duke of Westminster]] who said "Anybody seen in a bus over the age of 30 has been a failure in life". <!-- He also cited Martin Gilbert's biography of Winston Churchill as a source – anyone find the appropriate page? --> In a [http://www.telegraph.co.uk/comment/letters/3633852/Letters-to-the-Daily-Telegraph.html letter] published the next day, also in the ''Daily Telegraph'', Hugo Vickers claims Loelia Ponsonby admitted to him that she had borrowed it from [[w:Brian Howard (poet)|Brian Howard]]. There is no solid evidence that Margaret Thatcher ever quoted this statement with approval, or indeed shared the sentiment. *If my critics saw me walking over the River Thames they would say it was because I couldn't swim. **Attributed to her in [http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/features/3637706/Quite-Interesting.html] and other sources. Actually an adapted [[Lyndon Johnson]] quote "If one morning I walked on top of the water across the Potomac River, the headline that afternoon would read: 'President Can't Swim.'" * Being powerful is like being a lady. If you have to tell people you are, you aren't. ** Often attributed to Thatcher, but originally said by Jesse Carr, head of Teamsters Union Local, in ''Newsweek'', Vol. 88 (1976), p. 77 {{Misattributed end}} == Quotes about Thatcher== {{see also|Death and funeral of Margaret Thatcher}} * The fall of Margaret Thatcher in the autumn of 1990 had much of the appearance of a return of British politics to its modern starting-point in the early sixties. ** [[Perry Anderson]], "The Light of Europe", in ''English Question'' (1992) *Remember how close the IRA came to killing her at Brighton in 1984. I have a sense that she feels she has been living on borrowed time ''and'' that she has so much left to do ever since. As you know, she needs very little sleep and sits up there in that study of hers on the first floor of No. 10 until the small hours. It's as if she looks out the window and sees the camp fires of her enemies who are surrounding her, just waiting for her to go. And she knows that so many of the old ways and policies she despises will begin to reappear the moment she does. **Anonymous former senior civil servant interviewed by [[w:Peter Hennessy|Peter Hennessy]] (1989), quoted in Peter Hennessy, ''The Prime Minister: The Office and its Holders since 1945'' (2001), p. 432 * When she came to power in 1979 we genuinely debated whether or not those who governed Britain would be the trade unions or the elected Government of our country. I think her most significant achievement is that that question is no longer asked. She has had a unique character and unique strengths and abilities and unique faults as well. ** [[Paddy Ashdown]] (BBC TV News, 22 November 1990), as quoted in {{harvnb|Dale|2012}} * She behaves with all the sensitivity of a sex-starved boa constrictor. ** [[Tony Banks]] (''The Independent'', October 1997 [http://www.guardian.co.uk/g2/story/0,,1682818,00.html]) *In terms of stamina and persistence, you have to admit Margaret Thatcher is an extraordinary woman. She came out of Number 10, saying "I fight on. I fight to win." Then she went to the House and made a statement on the Paris CSCE talks. You would think she would be downcast after that setback, but not at all. When Paddy Ashdown said that the [[w:Paris Charter|Paris Treaty]] was one of the great moments of the twilight of her premiership, she replied, "As for twilight, people should remember that there is a 24-hour clock", which was a smashing answer. **[[Tony Benn]], diary entry (21 November 1990), quoted in Tony Benn, ''The End of An Era: Diaries, 1980–90'', ed. Ruth Winstone (1992), p. 612 [[File:11.12.67 Présentation officielle du Concorde (1967) - 53Fi1748 (Tony Benn).jpg|thumb|upright|The Prime Ministers who are remembered are those who think and teach, and not many do. Mrs. Thatcher... influenced the thinking of a generation.]] * The Prime Ministers who are remembered are those who think and teach, and not many do. Mrs. Thatcher... influenced the thinking of a generation. **[[Tony Benn]], quoted in Peter Hennessy, ''The Prime Minister: The Office and its Holders since 1945'' (2001), p. 398 * She was a tigress surrounded by hamsters. ** [[w:John Biffen|John Biffen]], 'The revenge of the unburied dead', ''The Observer'' (9 December 1990) *I've not seen one interview in recent years where she hasn't wiped the floor with the interviewer with contemptuous ease. **[[w:William Boyd (writer)|William Boyd]], quoted in John Campbell, ''Margaret Thatcher, Volume Two: The Iron Lady'' (2003), p. 477 *She will be remembered not only for being Britain's first female prime minister and holding the office for eleven years, but also for the determination and resilience with which she carried out all her duties throughout her public life. Even those who disagreed with her never doubted the strength of her convictions and her unwavering belief in Britain's destiny in the world. **[[Gordon Brown]], quoted in '[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-22071506 Margaret Thatcher dies: Reaction in quotes]', BBC News.co.uk (8 April 2013) * Her iron will won international respect. Her unabashed femininity gained women's. Margaret Thatcher was a lady's lady. ** [[Louise Burfitt-Dons]], speech to CWCC, London (April 2013) * I'll miss her because I value her counsel. I value her long experience and the wisdom that comes from that experience. She has been an outstanding Prime Minister for the United Kingdom and an outstanding friend to the United States. ** [[George H. W. Bush]] (22 November 1990), as quoted in {{harvnb|Dale|2012}} *America's highest civilian award is the [[w:Presidential Medal of Freedom|Medal of Freedom]]. And we're here to present it to one of the greatest leaders of our time... She's been called the Iron Lady—irrepressible, at times incorrigible, always indomitable... Her resolution and dedication set an example for all of us... Margaret Thatcher helped bring the cold war to an end, helped the human will outlast bayonets and barbed wire. She sailed freedom's ship wherever it was imperilled. Prophet and crusader, idealist and realist, this heroic woman made history move her way. ** [[George H. W. Bush]], remarks upon presenting the Presidential Medal of Freedom (7 March 1991), quoted in ''Public Papers of the Presidents of the United States: George H. W. Bush, Book I'' (1992), pp. 225–226 *Of all the prime ministers that I have known, from [[Harold Macmillan]] to [[James Callaghan|Lord Callaghan]], she was the one who most wanted to do things, as distinct from simply being prime minister. **[[w:Ronald Butt|Ronald Butt]], 'A missionary in politics', ''The Times'' (23 November 1990), p. 16 * The further you got from Britain, the more admired you found she was. ** [[James Callaghan]], ''The Spectator'' (December 1990), as quoted in {{harvnb|Dale|2012}} * In 1979, blue collar Britain rescued this country when they backed Margaret Thatcher, rejecting the socialism of the elite. Despite endless expert economists objecting to the tough economic medicine Mrs Thatcher prescribed, it was blue collar Britain stuck with her as she turned our country around. She was elected four times in a row, never losing an election. ** [[w:Douglas Carswell|Douglas Carswell]], 'CARSWELL: How The Elitists Lost Britain', ''The Daily Wire'' (31 May 2019) *Of all the elements combined in the complex of signs labelled Margaret Thatcher, it is her voice that sums up the ambiguity of the entire construct. She coos like a dove, hisses like a serpent, bays like a hound [in a contrived upper-class accent] reminiscent not of real toffs but of [[w:P. G. Wodehouse|Wodehouse]] aunts. **[[w:Angela Carter|Angela Carter]], ''New Statesman'' (3 June 1983), quoted in John Campbell, ''Margaret Thatcher, Volume Two: The Iron Lady'' (2003), p. 477 *She is so clearly the best man among them...I can't help feeling a thrill, even though I believe her election will make things much more difficult for us. I have been saying for a long time that this country is ready...for a woman Prime Minister. **[[Barbara Castle]]'s diary (11 February 1975), quoted in ''The Castle Diaries, 1974–76'' (1980), p. 309 *[Margaret Thatcher] struck a chord which was waiting to be struck...all these fears of bureaucracy, of too much government, of the erosion of freedom of the individual, fears of anarchy...she just came at the time when all these fears began to coalesce. **[[w:Alun Gwynne Jones, Baron Chalfont|Lord Chalfont]], quoted in Phillip Whitehead, ''The Writing on the Wall: Britain in the Seventies'' (1985), p. 216 * What does she want, this housewife? My balls on a tray? ** [[w:Jacques Chirac|Jacques Chirac]], then [[:w:Prime minister of France|Prime Minister of France]], during the February 1988 [[w:Brussels|Brussels]] summit; appeared in headlines of the British press and created a minor diplomatic incident. *Given half the chance she would have led poor MacCormick and the camera crew in a chorus of "Rule Britannia" before the credits rolled. She is the most outrageous female performer since [[w:Dame Edna Everage|Edna Everage]], she positively exults in getting whatever [[w:Buggins' turn|Buggins]] is unfortunate enough to have his turn in the ring and clouting him round the head, and kneeing him in the groin and all the time she smiles that damnable smile. **[[w:Anthony Clare|Anthony Clare]] on Thatcher's [https://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/105898 1985 interview] with [[w:Donald MacCormick|Donald MacCormick]] for BBC's ''Newsnight'', quoted in Michael Cockerell, ''Live from Number 10: The Inside Story of Prime Ministers and Television'' (1989), p. 299 *We shall remember – not the bomb or the ruined building – but your courage, calm and nobility in the aftermath. **[[w:John Coles (diplomat)|John Coles]] to Thatcher after the Brighton bomb attack (13 October 1984), quoted in Charles Moore, ''Margaret Thatcher. The Authorized Biography, Volume Two: Everything She Wants'' (2015), p. 315 *[[w:Powellism|Powellism]] anticipated, [[w:Thatcherism|Thatcherism]] coincided with, changes in economic opinion which occurred very generally among economists, civil servants and financial commentators of all political opinions in face of the economic decline of the 1970s. They were also parts of a struggle for power, victory in which enabled Mrs Thatcher to play radical variations on that patriotic conjunction of freedom, authority, inequality, individualism and average decency and respectability, which had been the Conservative Party's theme since at least 1886 and the aspiration it had maintained through all the resistances it had encountered from, and all the concessions it had made to, the higher thought, collectivist practice and the caution, or reluctance, of its leaders. The Conservative Party under Mrs Thatcher has used a radical rhetoric to give intellectual respectability to what the Conservative Party has always wanted. **[[Maurice Cowling]], 'Preface to the Second Edition', ''Mill and Liberalism'' (1963; 2nd ed., 1990), pp. xxvii-xviii * She was as relevant and as useful as the most backward and narrow member of the USA Republican Tea Party. I would like to quote a distinguished actress, now Member of Parliament, Glenda Jackson, who summed up her reaction to Mrs Thatcher better than I could: “Thatcherism wreaked the most heinous social, economic and spiritual damage upon this country.”...That materialism has grown since she left office. To continue with the quotation from MP Glenda Jackson: “The basis to Thatcherism was that everything I had been taught to regard as a vice … under Thatcherism was in fact a virtue: greed, selfishness, no care for the weaker.”...She was an exponent of the past and its values, which have brought humanity to the most dangerous place it has ever been in its history." **[[Benjamin Creme]] in [http://www.share-international.org/magazine/old_issues/2013/2013-05.htm#q-n-a ''Questions & Answers''] (Share International Magazine May 2013) *What kind of leadership Mrs Thatcher will provide remains to be seen... But one thing is clear enough at this stage – Mrs Thatcher is a bonny fighter. She believes in the ethic of hard work and big rewards for success. She has risen from humble origins by effort and ability and courage. She owes nothing to inherited wealth or privilege. She ought not to suffer, therefore, from that fatal and characteristic 20th-century Tory defect of guilt about wealth. All too often this has meant that the Tories have felt themselves to be at a moral disadvantage in the defence of capitalism against socialism. This is one reason why Britain has travelled so far down the collectivist road. What Mrs Thatcher ought to be able to offer is the missing moral dimension to the Tory attack on socialism. If she does so, her succession to the leadership could mark a sea-change in the whole character of party political debate in this country. **'[https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/1400333/How-we-saw-it-Margaret-Thatcher.html Disraeli's mantle]', ''[[w:The Daily Telegraph|The Daily Telegraph]]'' (12 February 1975) after Thatcher's election as Conservative leader *For us she is not the iron lady. She is the kind, dear Mrs. Thatcher. ** [[w:Alexander Dubcek|Alexander Dubcek]] (''Independent on Sunday'', Dec. 30, 1990) *She has towered over all her contemporaries... Her courage &ndash; intellectual, psychological and in the face of physical danger &ndash; is quite out of the ordinary. It is her unwavering purpose that has kept her government on their fixed course through the troughs as well as the crests of party and personal popularity. The temptation to take the easier path, to fudge, and to trim, are immense. She herself has never succumbed to it... Mrs Thatcher evokes admiration and detestation for one identical reason: she is 'big'. She has impressed herself on government as nobody has done since the war years of Churchill. She falls short of greatness, but she radiates dominance. I do not believe that in our lifetime we shall ever look upon her like again. **[[w:Samuel Finer|Samuel Finer]], quoted in Kenneth Minogue and Michael Biddiss (eds.), ''Thatcherism: Personality and Politics'' (1987), p. 140 *No other British Prime Minister would have won the Falklands War or the miners' strike. She showed unique resolution and clarity. She was terrifyingly inspiring. If she hadn't won, we'd be like Greece. **Tim Flesher, Private Secretary for Parliamentary Affairs to the Prime Minister from 1982-1986, quoted in Charles Moore, ''Margaret Thatcher. The Authorized Biography, Volume Two: Everything She Wants'' (2015), p. 181 [[File:Galtieri.jpg|thumb|upright|The blood that is spilling is not my responsibility. It is the responsibility of Mrs. 'No.']] * The blood that is spilling is not my responsibility. It is the responsibility of Mrs. 'No.' ** [[Leopoldo Galtieri]], [http://www.nytimes.com/1982/05/23/nyregion/quotation-of-the-day-157473.html "Quotation of the day"], ''The New York Times'' (May 23, 1982) * The Iron Lady was a great lady. She deserves applause. ** [[Valéry Giscard d'Estaing]] (22 November 1990), as quoted in {{harvnb|Dale|2012}} * She spoke like [[Elizabeth I of England|Queen Elizabeth I]]. She looked like Queen Elizabeth I. ** The diplomat [[w:David Goodall (diplomat)|David Goodall]] (1980), as quoted in [https://books.google.com/books?id=enJ1DQAAQBAJ&pg=PT36 The New Elizabethan Age: Culture, Society and National Identity after World War II] (2016) * Fortunately [[Friedrich Hayek|Hayek]] never had any influence on Thatcher's policies. (Her chief economic adviser in these years was Alan Walters, a [[Milton Friedman|Friedman]]-style monetarist.) Equally, and perhaps also happily, Thatcher had no understanding of Hayek's ideas. If it was true that she carried about with her for a time a copy of Hayek's magnum opus, ''[[The Constitution of Liberty]]'' (1960), she cannot have read its postscript, "Why I am not a Conservative", in which Hayek explains that he rejects conservatism because it lacks a vision of human progress. A case can be made that Thatcher was no conservative, either – at least if being conservative includes an aversion to policies that impose deep changes on inherited social institutions. But this is a view that goes only so far. Unlike Hayek, Thatcher understood and accepted the political limits of market economics. ** [[John Gray (philosopher)|John Gray]], [http://www.newstatesman.com/politics/2015/07/john-gray-friedrich-hayek-i-knew-and-what-he-got-right-and-wrong "The Friedrich Hayek I knew, and what he got right – and wrong"] (30 July 2015) *[N]o British Prime Minister for whom I worked would have got a better deal than Margaret Thatcher and several would probably have settled for something inferior. **[[w:David Hannay, Baron Hannay of Chiswick|David Hannay]] on Thatcher's fight for a rebate on the UK's contribution to the EEC budget, quoted in ''Britain's Quest for a Role: A Diplomatic Memoir from Europe to the UN'' (2012), p. 106 * Margaret Thatcher was the hardest-working head of Government I ever met. Her application was prodigious and she was always extraordinarily well briefed for every meeting. Whatever the subject, she could press her sometimes jarring and belligerent viewpoints with great authority, and for that I deeply respected her. ** [[w:Bob Hawke|Bob Hawke]], as quoted in {{harvnb|Dale|2012}} * It is Mrs Thatcher's great merit that she has broken with the Keynesian immorality of 'in the long run we are all dead' and to have concentrated on the long run future of the country irrespective of possible effects on the electors. Keynesian irresponsibility naturally appeals to the timid wets... Mrs Thatcher's courage makes her put the long run future of the country first. After being much too long restrained by the believers in the Muddle of the Middle, her new stature ought to enable her to guide us by her true vision. ** [[Friedrich Hayek]], letter to ''The Times'' (1 July 1982) *A mixture of a matron at a minor public school and a guard in a concentration camp. **[[Denis Healey]], interviewed for ''The Thatcher Factor'', quoted in John Campbell, ''Margaret Thatcher, Volume Two: The Iron Lady'' (2003), p. 472 *I have always admired you, because you are a true commitment politician, as I trust I am... Politically, I cannot be sorry that you are no longer PM. Yet in a personal sense I am terribly sorry as although I disagreed with you, no one could say you were not honest, courageous and with great integrity. **[[w:Eric Heffer|Eric Heffer]] to Thatcher (25 November 1990), quoted in Charles Moore, ''Margaret Thatcher. The Authorized Biography, Volume Three: Herself Alone'' (2019), p. 794 * You've got to put her in the same category as [[Mary I of England|Bloody Mary]], [[Elizabeth I of England|Queen Elizabeth I]], [[Anne of Great Britain|Queen Anne]] and [[Queen Victoria]]. However, she reminds me most of Queen Elizabeth I out of these four. Her handling of men is not dissimilar. I mean, if you had been a courtier of Queen Elizabeth I you would never have known quite whether you were going to get the treatment of an admired friend, or a poke in the eye with an umbrella. ** [[Quintin Hogg, Baron Hailsham of St Marylebone]], as quoted in {{harvnb|Dale|2012}} *She was motivated by a real sense of shame at what her country had become, and a manic sense of mission that never left her. She showed phenomenal energy and stamina, a readiness to fight rather than compromise, and, once engaged, an absolute refusal to haul up the white flag. Her achievements, judged simply in terms of what faced her in 1979, were truly astonishing. She knew what was happening to the country, but, unlike most of her contemporaries, she believed it could be saved. Ten years later she had been proved right about the country, the unions, the 1981 Budget, the Falklands, the miners, and right – in my view – about Europe and the single currency. She had transformed Britain's prospects where other politicians who had appeared cleverer, more experienced and more sophisticated had failed. **[[w:John Hoskyns|John Hoskyns]], ''Just in Time: Inside the Thatcher Revolution'' (2000), p. 403 * Margaret Thatcher was beyond argument a great Prime Minister. Her tragedy is that she may be remembered less for the brilliance of her many achievements than for the recklessness with which she later sought to impose her own increasingly uncompromising views. ** [[Geoffrey Howe]] (1994), as quoted in {{harvnb|Dale|2012}} *Whenever feminists have complained in my presence about neglect of female high-achievers, other than rock singers and courtesans, I always like to mention brilliant Margaret Thatcher. It always makes them furious. They can't bear to think of her as one of the most successful women of the 20th century. **[[Barry Humphries]], ‘[https://www.spectator.co.uk/article/diary---11-april-2013 Diary]’ (11 April 2013), ''The Spectator'' (13 April 2013) *Thatcherism wreaked the most heinous social, economic and spiritual damage upon this country... The basis to Thatcherism was that everything I had been taught to regard as a vice … under Thatcherism was in fact a virtue: greed, selfishness, no care for the weaker. **[[w:Glenda Jackson|Glenda Jackson]], quoted by [[Benjamin Creme]] in [http://www.share-international.org/magazine/old_issues/2013/2013-05.htm#q-n-a ''Questions & Answers''] (Share International Magazine May 2013) *History will surely recognise her achievements as Britain's first woman Prime Minister, a leader with the courage of her convictions who assailed the conventional wisdom of her day, challenged and overthrew the existing order, changed the political map, and put the country on its feet again. She did all this with ruthlessness and much injustice and at a high cost in human misery, but she did it. **[[w:Peter Jenkins (journalist)|Peter Jenkins]], ''The Independent'' (4 May 1989), quoted in Charles Moore, ''Margaret Thatcher. The Authorized Biography, Volume Three: Herself Alone'' (2019), pp. 298-299 * While I would not go so far as to say that Mrs. Thatcher had a coherent ideological agenda, she most certainly harbored dogmatic prejudices to which radical policies could be appended according to convenience and opportunity. Although anything but an intellectual herself, Margaret Thatcher was unusually attracted to intellectual men who could assist her in justifying and describing her own instincts—so long as they were themselves outsiders and not tarred with the brush of convention. Unlike the more moderate conservatives whose policies and ambitions she so devastatingly thwarted, Mrs. Thatcher was quite unprejudiced against Jews, showing something of a predilection for them in her choice of private advisors. Finally, and once again in contrast to her conservative predecessors, she was rather sympathetic to the writings of economists—but only and egregiously those from one particular school: Hayek and the Austrians. ** [[Tony Judt]], in Tony Judt and Timothy Snyder, ''Thinking the twentieth century'' (2012), Ch. 2: London and Language: English Writer *[The British armed forces responded to Mrs. Thatcher as war leader] in a way that hasn't been known since the time of Elizabeth I, with a passion and loyalty that few male generals have ever inspired or commanded. **[[w:John Keegan|John Keegan]] on Thatcher's role in the Falklands War, quoted in Antonia Fraser, ''The Warrior Queens: Boadicea's Chariot'' (2002), p. 353 * If Margaret Thatcher wins on Thursday, I warn you not to be ordinary. I warn you not to be young. I warn you not to fall ill. And I warn you not to grow old. ** [[Neil Kinnock]], speech on 7 June 1983 (two days before the 1983 general election), cited in the ''Oxford Dictionary of Modern Quotations'' (2007), p. 181. * Margaret Thatcher always gave me headaches. **[[w:Helmut Kohl|Helmut Kohl]], from his memoirs 1982–1990, cited in [http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/4403002.stm "Kohl lambasts 'ice-cold' Thatcher", ''BBC News'' (3 November 2005)] *Her great virtue is saying that two and two makes four, which is unpopular nowadays as it always has been. I adore Mrs Thatcher. At last politics make sense to me, which it hasn't since [[Stafford Cripps]]. **[[Philip Larkin]], interviewed by Graham Lord, ''The Sunday Express'' (8 August 1979), quoted in Iain Dale (ed.), ''As I Said to Denis...: The Margaret Thatcher Book of Quotations'' (1997), p. 128 and Charles Moore, ''Margaret Thatcher. The Authorized Biography, Volume Two: Everything She Wants'' (2015), p. 652 *What a superb creature she is – right and beautiful – few prime ministers are either. But the country will let her down, too idle and selfish. **[[Philip Larkin]] to [[Robert Conquest]] (23 December 1984), quoted in Philip Larkin, ''Selected Letters of Philip Larkin, 1940–1985'', ed. Anthony Thwaite (1992), p. 726 *Margaret was unusual, for a Tory leader, in actually warming to the Conservative Party – that is to say, the party in the country, rather than its Members of Parliament... [[Harold Macmillan]] had a contempt for the party, [[Alec Douglas-Home|Alec Home]] tolerated it, [[Edward Heath|Ted Heath]] loathed it. Margaret genuinely liked it. She felt a communion with it, one which later expanded to embrace the silent majority of the British people as a whole. **[[Nigel Lawson]], ''The View from No. 11: Memoirs of a Tory Radical'' (1992), p. 14 *The greatest Prime Minister this century toppled for no good reason, by pygmies. **[[w:James Lees-Milne|James Lees-Milne]], diary (25 November 1990), quoted in James Lees-Milne, ''Diaries, 1984–1997'', ed. Michael Bloch (2011) *From the military man's point of view she was an ideal Prime Minister... One wanted a decision and she gave it. **[[w:Terence Lewin|Admiral Lewin]], Chief of the Defence Staff, on Thatcher's role in the Falklands War, interviewed for ''The Downing Street Years'', BBC (1993), quoted in John Campbell, ''Margaret Thatcher, Volume Two: The Iron Lady'' (2003), p. 139 *If you fight a war, you want a great general. She was a great general. **[[w:Ian MacGregor|Ian MacGregor]] to Tim Bell, quoted in Charles Moore, ''Margaret Thatcher. The Authorized Biography, Volume Two: Everything She Wants'' (2015), p. 181 *She is an enemy of apartheid... We have much to thank her for. **[[Nelson Mandela]], quoted in James Henning, '[https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/politics/the-terrorist-and-the-tories-what-did-nelson-mandela-really-think-of-margaret-thatcher-8990872.html The 'terrorist' and the Tories: What did Nelson Mandela really think of Margaret Thatcher?]', ''The Independent'' (8 December 2013) * I think Margaret Thatcher started it, the greed thing, people just wanting more and more. ** [[w:George Martin|George Martin]], [http://news.yahoo.com/george-martin-revealed-his-one-regret-before-170746709.html interviewed] by [[w:Mark Ellen|Mark Ellen]] (2007) [[File:Reagan Mitterrand 1984 (cropped).jpg|thumb|upright|She has the eyes of Stalin and the voice of Marilyn Monroe.]] * She has the eyes of Stalin and the voice of Marilyn Monroe. ** [[w:François Mitterrand|François Mitterrand]], [[:w:President of France|President of France]], speaking of Prime Minister Thatcher to his former aide Jacques Attali. Usually misquoted as: ''She has the eyes of Caligula and the mouth of Marilyn Monroe.'' ** Cited by [http://www.margaretthatcher.org/document/110663 the Margaret Thatcher Foundation] and by [http://www.theglobeandmail.com/community/inside-the-globe/thatcher-caligula-monroewait-did-i-hear-that-right-the-dangers-of-misquoting/article4101423/ ''The Globe and Mail'' (20 April 2012)] * Margaret Thatcher is the greatest living Englishwoman. **[[w:Charles Moore (journalist)|Charles Moore]], Mrs. Thatcher's authorised biographer, in [http://www.margaretthatcher.org/commentary/displaydocument.asp?docid=110596 'The mellowing of Margaret Thatcher', ''The Daily Telegraph'' (12 October 2005)] * She's the biggest bastard we have ever known. ** [[w:Sinn Féin|Sinn Féin]] politician [[w:Danny Morrison (Irish republican)|Danny Morrison]]'s description of her at the 1982 Sinn Féin Ard Fheis (party conference), quoted in Richard English, ''Armed Struggle: The History of the IRA'', pp. 207–208. * She's the Prime Minister who really wanted to be Queen. [[John Major|Major]]'s boring, the Prime Minister who wanted to be a train spotter. ** Impersonator [[w:Steve Nallon|Steve Nallon]] (BBC TV, 1993), as quoted in {{harvnb|Dale|2012}} *[Television interviewers] simply lack the guts or resourcefulness to stand up to a politician who combines the ''hauteur'' of [[Anthony Trollope|Trollope]]'s Mrs Proudie with the jugular instincts of a fishwife. **[[w:John Naughton|John Naughton]], quoted in Michael Cockerell, ''Live from Number 10: The Inside Story of Prime Ministers and Television'' (1989), p. 349 *The world has lost one of the great champions of freedom and liberty, and America has lost a true friend. As a grocer's daughter who rose to become Britain's first female prime minister, she stands as an example to our daughters that there is no glass ceiling that can't be shattered. As prime minister, she helped restore the confidence and pride that has always been the hallmark of Britain at its best. And as an unapologetic supporter of our transatlantic alliance, she knew that with strength and resolve we could win the Cold War and extend freedom's promise. **[[Barack Obama]], quoted in '[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-22071506 Margaret Thatcher dies: Reaction in quotes]', BBC News.co.uk (8 April 2013) *[D]uring the [Falklands] war her leadership had been superb... Mrs Thatcher started off as terribly vulnerable. At home her political position was weak. A bad reverse in the early days and her leadership might have had to be terminated. An actual naval defeat down in the Southern Atlantic would have toppled her and possibly even the whole government. She knew she was playing for enormous stakes. But once she faced them, she behaved outstandingly well. Some potential Prime Ministers might have accepted the invasion, decided not to throw the Argentines out, and worked out some compromise. I have never doubted that such a course would have been absolutely devastating for this country. Mrs Thatcher recognised that from the start, instinctively, and deserves credit for it. **[[w:David Owen|David Owen]], ''Personally Speaking to Kenneth Harris'' (1987), pp. 187, 199 *When the historians seek parallels for the counter-revolution which took place in Britain under Margaret Thatcher, I think they will compare what happened here with what happened to France under [[Charles de Gaulle|General de Gaulle]] from 1958–68. Both leaders challenged their countries to do better, to think bigger and to reverse their relative decline. Both leaders drew heavily on a strident nationalism to galvanize their nations. Through their own hubris, both were ignominiously brought down by the people on whom they had relied in order to exert immense and unprecedented power... Both leaders sought regeneration from within, building up national pride and eschewing dilution through a United States of Europe. **[[w:David Owen|David Owen]], ''Time to Declare'' (1991), pp. 799-800 *Someone once said that Margaret Thatcher satisfied the average Englishman's longing for the perfect dominatrix. No doubt about it, she could deliver pain. The Iron Lady should best be remembered as the Leather Lady. Indeed, today Thatcherism leaves its dreary imprint not only on the Conservative Party but---thanks also to Tony Blair---on a Labor Party that accepts most of her regressive policies. **[[Michael Parenti]], "Requiem for a Dominatrix" (2013) *Margaret Thatcher, when we first became aware of her, was middle class mimsy... What she's done over the years progressively is in fact get sexier, and much more powerful. The fabrics are richer, there's more bulk. She's adopted what most Englishwomen find very frightening, which is a sort of hard-edged French [[w:Chic|chic]]...there's a certain sort of unforgivingness to it, a certain arrogance. She has discovered for herself a sort of [[w:Power dressing|power dressing]]... Rather like a [[w:Hans Holbein the Younger|Holbein]] painting of [[Henry VIII of England|Henry VIII]], here was a figure which was saying: "I am powerful." What Margaret Thatcher is doing...is expressing power in dress... I think Margaret Thatcher is a ruler, who thinks of herself as a ruler... This is now expressed with...a complete confidence that this powerful person with an enormous presence is <small>ME</small>. **Brenda Polan, fashion journalist interviewed for ''The Thatcher Factor'' (1988), quoted in John Campbell, ''Margaret Thatcher, Volume Two: The Iron Lady'' (2003), pp. 475-476 *The Prime Minister, shortly after she came into office, received a soubriquet as the "Iron Lady". It arose in the context of remarks which she made about defence against the Soviet Union and its allies; but there was no reason to suppose that the right hon. Lady did not welcome and, indeed, take pride in that description. In the next week or two this House, the nation and the right hon. Lady herself will learn of what metal she is made. **[[Enoch Powell]], [https://api.parliament.uk/historic-hansard/commons/1982/apr/03/falkland-islands#S6CV0021P0_19820403_HOC_36 speech to Mrs. Thatcher in the House of Commons after Argentina's invasion of the Falkland Islands (3 April 1982)] *Is the right hon. Lady aware that the report has now been received from the public analyst on a certain substance recently subjected to analysis and that I have obtained a copy of the report? It shows that the substance under test consisted of ferrous matter of the highest quality, that it is of exceptional tensile strength, is highly resistant to wear and tear and to stress, and may be used with advantage for all national purposes? ** [[Enoch Powell]], [https://api.parliament.uk/historic-hansard/commons/1982/jun/17/engagements#S6CV0025P0_19820617_HOC_140 question to Mrs. Thatcher in the House of Commons after Britain's victory in the Falklands War (17 June 1982)]. Thatcher replied: "I agree with every word that he said". *When she trusts her instincts she's almost always right. When she stops to think she's all too often wrong. **[[Enoch Powell]], quoted in Patrick Cosgrave, ''Thatcher: The First Term'' (1985), p. 38 *The popularity of Lady Thatcher (as she later became) was due in part to the clarity of her public statements and her ability to persuade the electorate that her convictions corresponded to their wishes – particularity in matters of taxation and opportunity. Her unpopularity among the intellectual and media élite was due both to her right-wing philosophy and to her confrontational approach to those who disagreed with her. **[[Roger Scruton]], ''A Dictionary of Political Thought'' (1982; 2nd ed., 1996), p. 547 *To her supporters...Margaret Thatcher left Britain a renewed and invigorated force both at home and on the world stage. She reversed years of national decline. She made Britain again the essential ally of the United States, largely due to her personal relationship with [[Ronald Reagan|President Reagan]], and helped end the [[w:Cold War|Cold War]]. She turned around the economy and finally tamed the over-powerful unions, who had protected their own interests at the expense of the country's well-being for far too long. She radically overhauled the British state, taking power away from bureaucrats and putting it in the hands of the electorate, who came to enjoy a wealth and a standard of living that they had never known before. On coming to power she found Britain in tatters, and she gave it back its pride and confidence.<br>Her critics, however, are less kind. They point above all to her intensely divisive nature and question the efficacy of many of her policies. The "economic miracle" is largely a myth, they insist, suggesting that recovery was inevitable and that [[monetarism]] only prolonged the [[w:Early 1980s recession|recession of the early 1980s]]. Even when recovery came it proved unsustainable and was over-egged by [[Nigel Lawson|Lawson]] with her acquiescence, which then led to the harsh [[w:Early 1990s recession|recession of the 1990s]]. While a few became rich under Mrs Thatcher, many missed out on growing prosperity, and the gap between the rich and the poor, and north and south, widened considerably. **[[w:Anthony Seldon|Anthony Seldon]] and [[w:Peter Snowdon|Peter Snowdon]], ''The Conservative Party: An Illustrated History'' (2004), p. 118 * Thatcher could congratulate herself on being, in a very real sense, godmother to the Reagan–Gorbachev relationship. ** [[w:Gail Sheehy|Gail Sheehy]], author of the book ''Gorbachev: The Making of the Man Who Shook the World'' *Mrs Thatcher is beginning to reflect a genuine English nationalist feeling, a deep feeling about the English and how they see themselves in terms of their own history. **[[Peter Shore]], remarks to the Cabinet (19 February 1978), quoted in Tony Benn, ''Conflicts of Interest: Diaries 1977–80'' (1990), p. 282 *She has an instant appraisal of what you are trying to suggest to her and if you haven't done your homework she'll kill you stone dead – not with words but with a look. **[[w:Peter Sissons|Peter Sissons]], quoted in John Campbell, ''Margaret Thatcher, Volume Two: The Iron Lady'' (2003), p. 477 * [[Anders Behring Breivik|Mr. Breivik]], his writings suggest, would have been reluctant to describe himself as a [[fascist]] — a common feature of European {{w|far-right}} discourse. He wrote: "I equate multiculturalism with the other hate-ideologies: Nazism (anti-Jewish), communism (anti-individualism) and Islam (anti-Kaffir)." These ideas, it is important to note, were echoes of ideas in mainstream European neo-conservatism. In 1978, the former British Prime Minister, Margaret Thatcher, famously referred to popular fears that Britain "might be swamped by people of a different culture." In 1989, Ms Thatcher asserted that "human rights did not begin with the French Revolution." Instead, they "really stem from a mixture of Judaism and Christianity"— in other words, faith, not reason. ** [[Praveen Swami]], ''[https://www.thehindu.com/opinion/lead/anders-breivik-europes-blind-right-eye/article2290619.ece Anders Breivik & Europe's blind right eye]'' (July 25, 2011), ''{{w|The Hindu}} * I think her greatest achievement is to have made people believe that the impossible is possible. That the things which were said in 1979 to be beyond resolution, the problem of the trade unions for example, she boldly took it on and she did it. If politicians can learn that lesson from her, that there is no problem which is too big to be solved, then she's contributed something enormously important to our life. ** [[Norman Tebbit]], on ''The Thatcher Factor'' (Channel 4, December 1990), as quoted in {{harvnb|Dale|2012}} *My impression still is that Mrs Thatcher has failed fully to grasp one of the clearest truths about British politics in the 20th century – the truth that the British people are not that much concerned about [[capitalism]] (though they are perfectly happy to accept its advantages); in the abstract, they do not understand or like it. They only become enthusiastic for it when it is presented in a patriotic context. [[Joseph Chamberlain|Joe Chamberlain]] knew this; the last Conservative politician to have known it with perfection is [[Enoch Powell]]. After that came Margaret Thatcher. She also knows it. Why they like her is because she "speaks for Britain", not because she is a very good economist (though she is probably as bright as any of that bunch), but because she expresses the sentiments and prejudices of the British people. **[[w:T. E. Utley|T. E. Utley]], 'Bewildered but still loyal', ''The Daily Telegraph'' (19 October 1981), quoted in Charles Moore and Simon Heffer (eds.), ''A Tory Seer: The Selected Journalism of T. E. Utley'' (1989), p. 71 *The other element in [[w:Thatcherism|Thatcherism]] is supposed to be the wish to restore Britain as a great power in the world. By this Mrs. Thatcher does not mean primarily a power devoted to the preservation of its own interests. She belongs to that militant Whig branch of English Conservatism which took over when [[Winston Churchill|Churchill]] became Prime Minister in 1940. This is to say that her view of foreign policy has a high moral content or, in other words, that she likes to devote herself to large and distant causes – the freedom of Afghanistan rather than the security of Ulster. She is suspicious about the [[w:European Economic Community|Common Market]], but seems prepared to swallow its consequences (e.g. the [[w:Single European Act|Single European Act]]) so long as the blame for them can be attributed to the [[w:Foreign, Commonwealth and Development Office|Foreign Office]]. I believe that she went into the Falklands with reluctance and regret and that, having done so, she carried it off with a courage and skill of which no other Prime Minister, possibly including Churchill, would have been capable. In terms of theory, however, she has contributed nothing new to the discussion of Britain's role in the world. Margaret Thatcher is a great Prime Minister, great by virtue of her courage and by virtue of what ideologues would often, misguidedly, describe as her "low political cunning". **[[w:T. E. Utley|T. E. Utley]], 'Monstrous invention', ''The Spectator'' (9 August 1986), quoted in Charles Moore and Simon Heffer (eds.), ''A Tory Seer: The Selected Journalism of T. E. Utley'' (1989), pp. 77-78 *It was because she offered ‘earnest and practical dissent’ to progressive orthodoxy. Mrs Thatcher is the point at which all snobberies meet: intellectual snobbery, social snobbery, the snobbery of [[w:Brooks's|Brooks's]], the snobbery about scientists among those educated in the arts, the snobbery of the metropolis about the provincial, the snobbery of the South about the North, and the snobbery of men about women. **[[w:John Vincent (historian)|John Vincent]], 'Margaret Thatcher: Her Place in History', ''Contemporary Record'', vol. 1, no. 3, (1987), pp. 23–24 *In 1980 and 1981 Mrs Thatcher's team (but not the Cabinet) wrestled with the question of how to stop [[inflation]]. The new ingredient was courage. Other governments had enforced restraint or cut proposed spending increases. What was wholly exceptional was a government willing to persevere with, indeed intensify, [[w:Deflation|deflationary]] measures while the bottom fell out of the market. Austerity in prosperity is merely prudent; austerity in adversity requires the courage to put all ordinary political considerations in temporary abeyance. It was this courage of [[w:Economic liberalism|economic liberalism]] of 1979, which marked out a new determination by government to govern. The new regime of 1979 had not involved any real test of political will, for economic liberalism was and is as uncontentious as any great reversal of assumptions can be. Few, in 1986, were still sighing for the price, wage, dividend and exchange controls of the 1970s. Changing the economic culture was the easy bit. Reducing inflation by a mixture of fiscal and monetary measures, a problem in financial technology, was a far more desperate business... If 1981 was crucial, which it was, it was as a triumph of political will, not of economic doctrine. **[[w:John Vincent (historian)|John Vincent]], 'The Thatcher Governments, 1979–1987', in Peter Hennessy and Anthony Seldon (eds.), ''Ruling Performance: British Governments from Attlee to Thatcher'' (1987), pp. 285-286 *Mrs Thatcher fits the rule that there are no bad Prime Ministers. She may lack [[Edward Heath|Heath]]'s architectonic sense, but more than makes up for it in persuasiveness and electioneering flair. She lacks [[James Callaghan|Callaghan]]'s fatalism, most certainly, but not his caution. She has [[Anthony Eden|Eden]]'s wish to meddle, but with the energy to support it. If in many ways she is under-read, her appetite for official papers exceeds that of almost all her predecessors. Had she lost the [[w:1987 United Kingdom general election|1987 election]], she would have looked like a curious aberration; since she won, she will be seen as marking a change of epochs, whatever her individual qualities. Whatever the future holds, she will go down as one of history's great improbabilities. For the present, it is perhaps safest to assert that she is the only Prime Minister to cook for her private secretaries when they are working late. She may have slain yesterday's dragon, not today's: her battle was with an archaic union-based [[socialism]], not a pervasive middle-class [[liberalism]]. Still, the dragon looked anything but slayable in 1975, and the work had to be done, with but few helpers in her own party. She may outlive the context which made her relevant, but in the process bequeath a broad national governing party. The measure of her achievement is that she has made [[w:Thatcherism|Thatcherism]] unnecessary. **[[w:John Vincent (historian)|John Vincent]], 'The Thatcher Governments, 1979–1987', in Peter Hennessy and Anthony Seldon (eds.), ''Ruling Performance: British Governments from Attlee to Thatcher'' (1987), pp. 292-293 *Her strong points were her iron will. I've never known a will like it in politics and I've known a few politicians in my time in various countries. I've never known a man or woman faintly like her, she was as tough as they come, and anything that required guts and will she could do for you. Anything that required sensitivity, she couldn't, she had none. **[[w:Brian Walden|Brian Walden]] on the [http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/programmes/the_westminster_hour/3632305.stm BBC's ''Westminster Hour'' (16 April 2004)] *[She has a] patronising elocution voice [and] neat well-groomed clothes and hair, packaged together in a way that's not exactly vulgar, just ''low''. [It fills me with] a kind of rage. **[[w:Mary Warnock, Baroness Warnock|Baroness Warnock]], quoted in Shirley Letwin, ''The Anatomy of Thatcherism'' (1992), pp. 319-20. *Brezhnev took Afghanistan. / Begin took Beirut. / Galtieri took the Union Jack. / And Maggie, over lunch one day, / Took a cruiser with all hands. / Apparently, to make him give it back. **[[Roger Waters]], lyrics of ''[[w:Get Your Filthy Hands Off My Desert|Get Your Filthy Hands Off My Desert]]'' by Pink Floyd, about the sinking of cruiser [[w:ARA General Belgrano|ARA General Belgrano]] *In Margaret Thatcher, however, Britain had a Prime Minister who was not going to allow peripheral circumstances to get in the way of grim reality... She was faced with making the final, historically momentous decision to permit us to go in and establish a beach-head [on the Falklands]... I am clear that this was easily the biggest single military decision she had to take... There may have been a few politicians, ministers or even servicemen who still doubted her resolve. But Margaret Thatcher never shirked a hard decision. And when asked for her verdict, just a few hours from now, she would not falter. **[[w:Sandy Woodward|Admiral Woodward]], Commander of the British Naval Task Force, ''One Hundred Days'' (2012), pp. 330–331 *When she became leader of the Opposition in 1975...a meeting...was arranged... She won me over. The strength of her determination and the simplicity of her rational ideas uncluttered by intellectual confusion convinced me that she was the first party leader I had met, apart from [[Hugh Gaitskell|Gaitskell]], who might check Britain's slide and possibly begin to reverse it. She did not seem much like a Tory but she had the Tory Party to work for her, which was a useful start... Mrs Thatcher is a radical of practical [[w:Manchester liberalism|Manchester Liberal]] descent. She believes that [[Karl Marx|Marx]] and other economic theorists have not extinguished [[Adam Smith]]'s truths... Mrs Thatcher has had to puncture illusions and force unpleasant facts on reluctant listeners dreaming of a lazy Utopia, agreeable but unobtainable. **[[w:Woodrow Wyatt|Woodrow Wyatt]], ''Confessions of an Optimist'' (1987), pp. 343–344 ==See also== * [[Diana Gould]], who had a televised confrontation with Mrs Thatcher in 1983 ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{wikisource author}} {{wikinews|Margaret Thatcher}} {{commons|Margaret Thatcher}} * {{cite book |editor-last=Dale |editor-first=Iain |editor-link=w:Iain Dale |year=2012 |title=The Margaret Thatcher Book of Quotations |url=https://books.google.com/books?id=vPatAwAAQBAJ |publisher=Biteback Publishing |isbn=978-1-84954-465-8 |ref=harv}} * {{cite book |editor-last=Blundell |editor-first=John |editor-link=w:John Blundell (economist) |year=2013 |title=Remembering Margaret Thatcher: Commemorations, Tributes, and Assessments |url=https://books.google.com/books?id=4MYn9j-gftAC |publisher=Algora Publishing |isbn=978-1-62894-017-6}} * [http://www.margaretthatcher.org/ Margaret Thatcher Foundation] * [http://www.procapitalism.com/htms/opeds01.htm#dcam Margaret Thatcher in Procapitalism Op-Eds 2006.] * [http://www.badley.info/history/Thatcher-Margaret-Hilda-Great-Britain.biog.html Margaret Thatcher Chronology World History Database] * [http://www.haroldhill.org/chapter-three/margaret-thatcher-reggae-royalty-riots.htm Margaret Thatcher: Reggae, Royalty and Riots] {{DEFAULTSORT:Thatcher, Margaret}} [[Category:British Prime Ministers]] [[Category:Academics from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:British peers]] [[Category:English chemists]] [[Category:English lawyers]] [[Category:Women in law]] [[Category:Memoirists from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Autobiographers from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Women authors]] [[Category:1925 births]] [[Category:2013 deaths]] [[Category:Conservative Party (UK) politicians]] [[Category:Critics of the European Union]] [[Category:Anti-communists]] [[Category:Anglicans from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:British women]] [[Category:Women politicians]] [[Category:Presidential Medal of Freedom recipients]] [[Category:Women born in the 20th century]] 71oahzlw6sex93azcdnu4061n9ckaqi 0 3913 3152976 3133009 2022-08-09T18:44:28Z 95m95 3047635 /* Contra epistolam Manichaei */ wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:FCoghetti 02.JPG|thumb|Inasmuch as [[love]] [[grows]] in you, in so much [[beauty]] grows; for love is itself the beauty of the [[soul]].]] [[File:Saint Augustine by Philippe de Champaigne.jpg|thumb|right|Once for all, then, a short precept is given thee: [[Love]], and do what thou wilt.]] '''[[w:St. Augustine of Hippo|St. Augustine of Hippo]] ''' ([[13 November]] [[354]] – [[28 August]] [[430]]) was a Christian [[theologian]], rhetor, North African bishop, Doctor of the [[w:Catholic Church|Catholic Church]], [[saint]], and a [[philosopher]] influenced in his early years by [[w:Manichaeism|Manichaeism]] and the [[w:Neoplatonism|Neo-Platonism]] of [[Plotinus]]. [[File:Augustine Lateran.jpg|thumb|[[Love]] the sinner and [[hate]] the [[sin]].]] ::'''See also:''' '''''[[Confessions (Augustine)|Confessions]]''''' == Quotes == [[File:Michael Pacher - Altarpiece of the Church Fathers - St Augustine Liberating a Prisoner - WGA16814.jpg|thumb|An unjust [[law]] is no law at all.]] [[File:Sant'Agostino lava i piedi di Cristo - Lanfranco.jpg|thumb|right|The spiritual [[virtue]] of a sacrament is like [[light]], — although it passes among the impure, it is not polluted.]] [[File:Sen-augustyna-gustaw-gwozdecki.jpg|thumb|[[Patience]] is the companion of [[wisdom]].]] * '''Nowhere in the Gospel do we read that the Lord said: "I am sending you a [[w:Paraclete|Paraclete]] who will teach you about the course of the [[sun]] and [[moon]]." For He wanted to make [[Christians]], not [[mathematicians]].''' ** ''De actis cum Felice Manicheo'' {AD 404), translated as ''A Debate with Felix the Manichean'', ¶1709, in [https://books.google.com/books?id=rkvLsueY_DwC&pg=PA88&lpg=PA88&dq=augustine+a+debate+with+felix+the+manichean&source=bl&ots=hjro48PiBF&sig=ARQdKxrvvOTvzhIZHPqDRnldwWk&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwj8ybaI0oLLAhUM4GMKHUosAaYQ6AEIJzAC#v=onepage&q=augustine%20a%20debate%20with%20felix%20the%20manichean&f=false ''The Faith of the Early Fathers'' Vol 3 : ''St. Augustine to the End of the Patristic Age''] by W.A. Jurgens, p. 88 ** Variant translations: ** One does not read in the Gospel that the Lord said: "I will send you the Paraclete who will teach you about the course of the sun and moon." For He willed to make them Christians, not mathematicians. *** As quoted in ''Science Teaching : The Role of History and Philosophy of Science'' (1994) by Michael R. Matthews, p. 195 * The superfluities of the rich are the necessaries of the poor. They who possess superfluities, possess the goods of others. ** ''Patrologia Latina'', vol. 37, p. 1922 * ''Cum dilectione hominum et odio vitiorum.'' ** '''[[Love]] the sinner and [[hate]] the [[sin]].''' *** ''Opera Omnia'', Vol II. Col. 962, letter 211 ** Alternate translation: With love for mankind and hatred of sins (vices). * '''An unjust [[law]] is no law at all.''' ** ''On Free Choice Of The Will'', Book 1, § 5 * '''[[God]] judged it better to bring [[good]] out of [[evil]] than to suffer no evil to exist.''' ** ''[[w:Enchiridion of Augustine| Enchiridion]]'' (''c.'' 420 ), Ch. 27 * The confession of [[evil]] [[works]] is the first beginning of [[good]] works. ** ''Tractates on the Gospel of John''; tractate XII on John 3:6-21, § 13 [https://web.archive.org/web/*/http://www.newadvent.org/fathers/1701012.htm] * ''Ergo noli quaerere intelligere ut credas, sed crede ut intelligas.'' ** '''Therefore do not seek to [[understand]] in order to [[believe]], but believe that thou mayest understand.''' *** ''Tractates on the Gospel of John''; tractate XXIX on John 7:14-18, §6 [http://www.ccel.org/ccel/schaff/npnf107.iii.xxx.html ''A Select Library of the Nicene And Post-Nicene Fathers of the Christian Church'' Volume VII by St. Augustine, chapter VII (1888) as translated by Philip Schaff]. ***Compare: [[w:Anselm of Canterbury#Foundation|Anselm of Canterbury]]: "Nor do I seek to understand that I may believe, but I believe that I may understand". *''Spiritalis enim virtus Sacramenti ita est ut lux: et ab illuminandis pura excipitur, et si per immundos transeat, non inquinatur.'' ** '''For the spiritual power of a sacrament is like light in this way: it is both received pure by those to be enlightened, and if it passes through the impure it is not defiled.''' *** ''Tractates on the Gospel of John''; tractate V on John 1:33, §15; translation by R. Willems ****Compare: ***** The [[sun]], too, shines into cesspools and is not polluted. ****** [[Diogenes Laërtius]], Lib. vi. section 63 ***** A very weighty argument is this — namely, that neither does the light which descends from thence, chiefly upon the [[world]], mix itself with anything, nor admit of dirtiness or pollution, but remains entirely, and in all things that are, free from defilement, admixture, and suffering. ****** [[Julian]], in [http://www.tertullian.org/fathers/julian_apostate_1_sun.htm Upon the Sovereign Sun], (''c''. December 362), as translated by C. W. King in ''Julian the Emperor'' (1888) - [http://www.archive.org/details/julianemperorco00juligoog Full text online] ***** The sun, which passeth through pollutions and itself remains as [[pure]] as before. ****** [[Francis Bacon]], ''Advancement of Learning'', Book II (1605) * '''If any one will piously and soberly consider the sermon which our Lord [[Jesus Christ|Jesus]] [[Sermon on the Mount|spoke on the mount]], as we read it in the ''[[Gospel according to Matthew]]'', I think that he will find in it, so far as regards the highest morals, a perfect standard of the Christian life: and this we do not rashly venture to promise, but gather it from the very words of the Lord Himself.''' For the sermon itself is brought to a close in such a way, that it is clear there are in it all the precepts which go to mould the life. … He has sufficiently indicated, as I think, that these sayings which He uttered on the mount so perfectly guide the life of those who may be willing to live according to them, that they may justly be compared to one building upon a rock. ** [http://www.newadvent.org/fathers/16011.htm ''On the Sermon on the Mount'', as translated by William Findlay (1888), Book I, Ch. 1] * '''What, then, does He say? "''Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the [[kingdom of heaven]].''" '''We read in Scripture concerning the striving after temporal things, "''All is vanity and presumption of spirit''"; but presumption of spirit means audacity and pride: usually also the proud are said to have great spirits; and rightly, inasmuch as the wind also is called spirit. And hence it is written, "''Fire, hail, snow, ice, spirit of tempest''." But, indeed, who does not know that the proud are spoken of as puffed up, as if swelled out with wind? And hence also that expression of the apostle, "''Knowledge puffs up, but charity edifies''". '''And the poor in spirit are rightly understood here, as meaning the [[humble]] and God-fearing, i.e. those who have not the spirit which puffs up. Nor ought blessedness to begin at any other point whatever, if indeed it is to attain unto the highest wisdom; "''but the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom''"; for, on the other hand also, "''pride''" is entitled "the beginning of all sin." Let the proud, therefore, seek after and love the kingdoms of the earth; but "''blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.''" ** ''On the [[Sermon on the Mount]]'', as translated by William Findlay (1888), Book I, Ch. 1 * ''Patientia comes est sapientiae'' ** Patience is the companion of wisdom. *** [http://www.augustinus.it/latino/pazienza/index.htm ''De Patientia''] chapter 5 * If thou shouldst say, 'It is enough, I have reached [[perfection]],' all is lost. For it is the function of perfection to make one know one's imperfection. ** Quoted by [[Aldous Huxley]], in [https://archive.org/details/perennialphilosp035505mbp ''The Perennial Philosophy''] (1945) ===''De Libero Arbitrio'' (388 - 395) === [[File:Lady godiva full.jpg|thumb|[[Will]] is to [[grace]] as the [[horse]] is to the rider.]] * '''[[Will]] is to [[grace]] as the [[horse]] is to the rider.''' * '''If there is something more excellent than the [[truth]], then that is [[God]]; if not, then truth itself is God.''' ===''Psalmus Contra Partem Donati - Psalm Against the [[w:Donatism|Donatists]]'' (c. 393)=== :Variously titled, “Psalm Against the Party of the Donatists,” “Alphabetical Psalm Against the Donatists,” “One Book, a Psalm against the Party of the Donatists,” [http://books.google.com/books?id=DikZ4GEmgUIC&pg=PA86] etc. Latin text in Migne [[w:Patrologia Latina| Patrologia Latina (PL)]] 43:23-32 [http://books.google.com/books?id=ErHUAAAAMAAJ&pg=PA20-IA1&dq] "St. Augustine began his victorious campaign against Donatism soon after he was ordained priest in 391. His popular psalm or "[[w:Abecedarium|Abecedarium]]" against the [[w:Donatism|Donatists]] was intended to make known to the people the arguments set forth by [[w:Optatus|St. Optatus]], with the same conciliatory end in view. It shows that the sect was founded by traditors, condemned by pope and council, separated from the whole world, a cause of division, violence, and bloodshed;* the true Church is the one Vine, whose branches are over all the earth." - ''Catholic Encyclopedia'' [http://books.google.com/books?id=v7RAAQAAIAAJ&pg=PA127] * Augustine frequently complained of the Donatist's violence against the Catholics (see e.g. letters [http://books.google.com/books?id=jg7ZOUWnHeMC&pg=PA55 105], [http://books.google.com/books?id=cJnjXWQpknIC&pg=PA194 185] [http://books.google.com/books?id=NXkXAAAAIAAJ&pg=PA560 209]). Even so, he maintained a deep pastoral love and concern for them, [http://books.google.com/books?id=2X9PAAAAYAAJ&pg=PA311] and ever strove for their eventual return to "the Unity," one of his "favorite names for the Catholic Church." [http://books.google.com/books?id=DAn6876NIZYC&pg=PA259]. *'''[[All]] those of you who rejoice in [[peace]], now it is time to judge the [[truth]]'''....<br>Undoubtedly in days gone by there were holy men as Scripture tells,<br>For [[God]] stated that he left behind seven thousand men in safety,<br>And there are many priests and kings who are righteous under the [[law]],<br>There you find so many of the [[prophets]], and many of the people too.<br>'''Tell me which of the righteous of that time claimed an altar for himself?'''<br>That wicked nation perpetrated a very large number of crimes,<br>They sacrificed to idols and may prophets were put to death,<br>'''Yet not a single one of the righteous withdrew from [[unity]].'''<br>The righteous endured the unrighteous while waiting for the winnower:<br>They all mingled in one temple but were not mingled in their hearts;<br>They said such things against them yet they had a single altar. **''Early Christian Latin Poets'', 2000, Carolinne White, Routledge, London, <small>{{ISBN|0415187826}} {{ISBN|9780415187824}}</small> p. 55. [http://books.google.com/books?id=MoI963yzTisC&pg=PA55] *Venite fratres, si vultis ut inseramini in vite;<br>Dolor est cum vos videmus praecisos ita jacere.<br>'''Numerate sacerdotes vel ab ipsa Petri sede;<br>Et in ordine illo Patrum quis cui successit videte.'''<br>Ipsa est petra, quam non vincunt superbae inferorum portae. (PL 43:30 [http://books.google.com/books?id=SXPYAAAAMAAJ&pg=RA1-PT3]). **Come, brethren, if you wish to be engrafted in the vine.<br>It grieves us to see you thus lie cut off.<br>'''Number the priests in the very chair of Peter,<br>And see in that order of fathers who succeeded the other'''.<br>This is the rock which the proud gates of hell overcome not. *** [http://books.google.com/books?id=uIYQAAAAIAAJ&pg=PA42 ''Publications of the Catholic Truth Society'' (1895), Catholic Truth Society, London, vol. 24, p. 42.] **Alternate translation: Come brethren, if you have a mind to be ingrafted in the vine,<br>It is a pity to see you lopped off in this manner From the stock.<br>Reckon up the prelates in the very see of Peter;<br>And in that order of fathers see which has succeeded which.<br>This is the rock over which the proud gates of hell prevail not. (A reference to [http://biblehub.com/matthew/16-18.htm Matthew 16:18].) ***[http://books.google.com/books?id=WaposfecSRUC&pg=PA94 ''Our Church, Her Children and Institutions'' (1908), Henry Coyle, et al, Angel Guardian Press, Boston, Mass. P. 98.] ===''[[Confessions (Augustine)|Confessions]]'' (''c''. 397)=== [[File:Saint Augustine and Saint Monica.jpg|thumb|right|You have made us for yourself, O Lord, and our hearts are restless until they rest in you.]] ::See also ''[[Confessions (Augustine)|Confessions]]'' * ''Fecisti nos ad te et inquietum est cor nostrum donec requiescat in te.'' ** '''You have made us for yourself, O Lord, and our [[hearts]] are restless until they rest in you.''' ** I, 1 * The weakness of little children's limbs is innocent, not their [[souls]]. ** I, 7 * I became [[evil]] for no [[reason]]. I had no motive for my wickedness except wickedness itself. It was foul, and I loved it. I loved the self-destruction, I loved my fall, not the object for which I had fallen but my fall itself. My depraved soul leaped down from your firmament to ruin. I was seeking not to gain anything by shameful means, but shame for its own sake. **II, 4 *''Nondum amabam, et amare amabam...quaerebam quid amarem, amans amare.'' **'''I was not yet in [[love]], yet I loved to love...I sought what I might love, in love with loving.''' **III, 1 *''Et illa erant fercula, in quibus mihi esurienti te inferebatur sol et luna.'' **And these were the dishes wherein to me, hunger-starven for thee, they served up the sun and the moon. **III, 6 * '''Already I had learned from thee that because a thing is eloquently expressed it should not be taken to be as necessarily true; nor because it is uttered with stammering lips should it be supposed false. Nor, again, is it necessarily true because rudely uttered, nor untrue because the language is brilliant.''' [[Wisdom]] and [[folly]] both are like meats that are wholesome and unwholesome, and courtly or simple [[words]] are like town-made or rustic vessels — '''both kinds of [[food]] may be served in either kind of dish.''' ** V, 6 ** Variation on the middle sentence: A thing is not necessarily true because badly uttered, nor false because spoken magnificently. ** Variation on the middle sentence: A thing is not necessarily false because it is badly expressed, nor true because it is expressed magnificently. * For it still seemed to me “that it is not we who sin, but some other nature sinned in us.” And it gratified my pride to be beyond blame, and when I did anything wrong not to have to confess that I had done wrong. … I loved to excuse my soul and to accuse something else inside me (I knew not what) but which was not I. But, assuredly, it was I, and it was my impiety that had divided me against myself. That sin then was all the more incurable because I did not deem myself a sinner. ** A. Outler, trans. (Dover: 2002), Book 5, Chapter 10, p. 77 * The Catholic faith, … I now realized could be maintained without presumption. This was especially true after I had heard one or two parts of the Old Testament explained allegorically—whereas before this, when I had interpreted them literally, they had “killed” me spiritually. ** A. Outler, trans. (Dover: 2002), Book 5, Chapter 14, p. 81. * I read there [in "certain books of the Platonists"] that [[God]] the [[Word]] was born "not of flesh nor of blood, nor of the will of man, nor the will of the flesh, but of God." But, that "the Word was made flesh, and dwelt among us" — I found this nowhere there. ** VII, 9 * ''At ego adulescens miser ualde, miser in exordio ipsius adulescentiae, etiam petieram a te castitatem et dixeram, 'Da mihi castitatem et continentiam, sed noli modo.''' ** As a youth I prayed, "'''Give me [[chastity]] and continence, but not right now.'''" ** VIII, 7 * ''Dicebam haec et flebam amarissima contritione cordis mei. Et ecce audio vocem de vicina domo cum cantu dicentis et crebro repetentis, quasi pueri an puellae, nescio: '''tolle lege, tolle lege.''' Statimque mutato vultu intentissimus cogitare coepi utrumnam solerent pueri in aliquo genere ludendi cantitare tale aliquid. Nec occurrebat omnino audisse me uspiam, repressoque impetu lacrimarum surrexi, nihil aliud interpretans divinitus mihi iuberi nisi ut aperirem codicem et legerem quod primum caput invenissem. Audieram enim de Antonio quod ex evangelica lectione cui forte supervenerat admonitus fuerit, tamquam sibi diceretur quod legebatur: "Vade, vende omnia quae habes, et da pauperibus et habebis thesaurum in caelis; et veni, sequere me," et tali oraculo confestim ad te esse conversum. Itaque concitus redii in eum locum ubi sedebat Alypius: ibi enim posueram codicem apostoli cum inde surrexeram. arripui, aperui, et legi in silentio capitulum quo primum coniecti sunt oculi mei: "Non in comessationibus et ebrietatibus, non in cubilibus et impudicitiis, non in contentione et aemulatione, sed induite dominum Iesum Christum et carnis providentiam ne feceritis in concupiscentiis." Nec ultra volui legere nec opus erat. Statim quippe cum fine huiusce sententiae quasi luce securitatis infusa cordi meo omnes dubitationis tenebrae diffugerunt.'' ** I was saying these things and weeping in the most bitter contrition of my heart, when suddenly I heard the voice of a boy or a girl I know not which — coming from the neighboring house, chanting over and over again, "'''Take up and read; take up and read'''." Immediately I ceased weeping and began most earnestly to think whether it was usual for children in some kind of game to sing such a song, but I could not remember ever having heard the like. So, damming the torrent of my tears, I got to my feet, for I could not but think that this was a divine command to open the Bible and read the first passage I should light upon. For I had heard how Anthony, accidentally coming into church while the gospel was being read, received the admonition as if what was read had been addressed to him: "Go and sell what you have and give it to the poor, and you shall have treasure in heaven; and come and follow me" (Matt. 19:21). By such an oracle he was forthwith converted to thee. So I quickly returned to the bench where Alypius was sitting, for there I had put down the apostle’s book when I had left there. I snatched it up, opened it, and in silence read the paragraph on which my eyes first fell: "Not in rioting and drunkenness, not in chambering and wantonness, not in strife and envying, but put on the Lord [[Jesus]] [[Christ]], and make no provision for the flesh to fulfill the lusts thereof" (Rom. 13:13). I wanted to read no further, nor did I need to. For instantly, as the sentence ended, there was infused in my heart something like the light of full certainty and all the gloom of doubt vanished away. ** VIII, 12 * But the inner part is the better part; for to it, as both ruler and judge, all these messengers of the senses report the answers of heaven and earth and all the things therein, who said, "We are not God, but he made us." My inner man knew these things through the ministry of the outer man, and I, the inner man, knew all this — I, the soul, through the senses of my body. I asked the whole frame of earth about my God, and it answered, "I am not he, but he made me." ** X, 6 *''Sero te amavi, pulchritudo tam antiqua et tam nova, sero te amavi! et ecce intus eras et ego foris, et ibi te quaerebam. **'''Late have I loved you, O [[Beauty]] ever ancient and ever new! Late have I loved you! And, behold, you were within me, and I out of myself, and there I searched for you.''' *** X, 27, as translated in ''Theology and Discovery: Essays in honor of Karl Rahner, S.J.'' (1980) edited by William J. Kelly ** Variant translations: *** So late I loved you, O Beauty ever ancient and ever new! So late I loved you! **** The Ethics of Modernism: Moral Ideas in Yeats, Eliot, Joyce, Woolf, and Beckett‎'' (2007), by Lee Oser, p. 29 *** Too late I loved you, O Beauty ever ancient and ever new! Too late I loved you! And, behold, you were within me, and I out of myself, and there I searched for you. **** ''Introduction to a Philosophy of Religion'' (1970) by Alice Von Hildebrand * ''Da quod iubes, et iube quod vis. Imperas nobis … continentiam.'' ** Give what you command, and command what you will. You impose continency on us. ** X, 29 * ''Mihi quaestio factus sum.'' ** I have become a question to myself. ** X, 33 * People travel to wonder at the height of mountains, at the huge waves of the sea, at the long courses of rivers, at the vast compass of the ocean, at the circular motion of the stars; and they pass by themselves without wondering. ** Variant: Men go abroad to admire the heights of mountains, the mighty billows of the sea, the broad tides of rivers, the compass of the ocean, and the circuits of the stars, and pass themselves by. ** X * There is another form of temptation, more complex in its peril. … It originates in an appetite for [[knowledge]]. … From this malady of curiosity are all those strange sights exhibited in the theatre. Hence do we proceed to search out the secret powers of nature (which is beside our end), which to know profits not, and wherein men desire nothing but to know. ** [[s:Nicene and Post-Nicene Fathers: Series I/Volume I/Confessions/Book X/Chapter 35|X, 35]] * ''Ecce respondeo dicenti, 'quid faciebat deus antequam faceret caelum et terram?' respondeo non illud quod quidam respondisse perhibetur, ioculariter eludens quaestionis violentiam: 'alta,' inquit, 'scrutantibus gehennas parabat.' aliud est videre, aliud ridere: haec non respondeo. libentius enim responderim, ''''nescio quod nescio'''' quam illud unde inridetur qui alta interrogavit et laudatur qui falsa respondit.'' ** How, then, shall I respond to him who asks, “What was God doing before he made heaven and earth?” I do not answer, as a certain one is reported to have done facetiously (shrugging off the force of the question). “He was preparing hell,” he said, “for those who pry too deep.” It is one thing to see the answer; it is another to laugh at the questioner--and for myself I do not answer these things thus. More willingly would I have answered, '''“I do not know what I do not know,”''' than cause one who asked a deep question to be ridiculed--and by such tactics gain praise for a worthless answer. ** Book XI, Chapter XII; translation by E.B. Pusey * ''Quid est ergo tempus? Si nemo ex me quaerat, scio; si quaerenti explicare velim, nescio.'' ** '''What then is [[time]]? If no one asks me, I know what it is. If I wish to explain it to him who asks, I do not know. ''' ** [[s:Nicene and Post-Nicene Fathers: Series I/Volume I/Confessions/Book XI/Chapter 14|XI, 14]] * You called and cried out loud and shattered my deafness. You were radiant and resplendent, you put to flight my blindness. You were fragrant, and I drew in my breath and now pant after you. I tasted you, and I feel but hunger and thirst for you. You touched me, and I am set on fire to attain the peace which is yours. * ''Deus, dona hominibus videre in parvo communes notitias rerum parvarum atque magnarum.''[http://books.google.com/books?id=lM5PQRHMNFwC&q=%22Deus+dona+hominibus+videre+in+parvo+communes+notitias+rerum+parvarum+atque+magnarum%22&pg=PR19#v=onepage] ** Translation: God, grant us men to see in a small thing principles which are common things both small and great. ** [[s:Nicene and Post-Nicene Fathers: Series I/Volume I/Confessions/Book XI/Chapter 23|XI, 23]] * Wonderful is the depth of Thy oracles, whose surface is before us, inviting the little ones; and yet wonderful is the depth, O my God, wonderful is the depth. It is awe to look into it; and awe of honour, and a tremor of love. The enemies thereof I hate vehemently. Oh, if Thou wouldest slay them with Thy two-edged sword, that they be not its enemies! For thus do I love, that they should be slain unto themselves that they may live unto Thee. ** [[s:Nicene and Post-Nicene Fathers: Series I/Volume I/Confessions/Book XII/Chapter 14|XII, 14]] ===''[[w:City of God (book)|The City of God]]'' (early 400s)=== :<small> ''De Civitate Dei'' [[s:The City of God|full text online at Wikisource]] as translated by Rev. George Wilson and Rev. J. J. Smith</small> :<small>Quotations are from Wilson and Smith translation unless otherwise specified.</small> [[File:Sandro Botticelli 050.jpg|thumb|right|The [[good]] [[man]], though a [[slave]], is [[free]]; the [[wicked]], though he [[reigns]], is a slave.]] * '''To the divine providence it has seemed good to prepare in the world to come for the righteous good things, which the unrighteous shall not enjoy; and for the wicked evil things, by which the good shall not be tormented.''' But as for the good things of this life, and its ills, God has willed that these should be common to both; that we might not too eagerly covet the things which wicked men are seen equally to enjoy, nor shrink with an unseemly fear from the ills which even good men often suffer. <br>There is, too, a very great difference in the purpose served both by those events which we call adverse and those called prosperous. For the good man is neither uplifted with the good things of time, nor broken by its ills; but the wicked man, because he is corrupted by this world’s happiness, feels himself punished by its unhappiness. ** [[s:The City of God/Book I/Chapter 8|I, 8]] * '''Wherefore, though good and bad men suffer alike, we must not suppose that there is no difference between the men themselves, because there is no difference in what they both suffer. For even in the likeness of the sufferings, there remains an unlikeness in the sufferers; and though exposed to the same anguish, virtue and vice are not the same thing.''' For as the same fire causes gold to glow brightly, and chaff to smoke; and under the same flail the straw is beaten small, while the grain is cleansed; and as the lees are not mixed with the oil, though squeezed out of the vat by the same pressure, so the same violence of affliction proves, purges, clarifies the good, but damns, ruins, exterminates the wicked. And thus it is that in the same affliction the wicked detest God and blaspheme, while the good pray and praise. '''So material a difference does it make, not what ills are suffered, but what kind of man suffers them. For, stirred up with the same movement, mud exhales a horrible stench, and ointment emits a fragrant odor.''' ** Variant translations: ** '''Virtue and vice are not the same, even if they undergo the same torment.''' ** '''The violence which assails good men to test them, to cleanse and purify them, effects in the wicked their condemnation, ruin, and annihilation.''' * Thus, in this universal catastrophe, the sufferings of Christians have tended to their moral improvement, because they viewed them with eyes of faith. **I, 9 *<p>''Ipsa libido dominandi, quae inter alia uitia generis humani meracior inerat uniuerso populo Romano, postea quam in paucis potentioribus uicit, obtritos fatigatosque ceteros etiam iugo seruitutis oppressit.''</p><p>''Nam quando illa quiesceret in superbissimis mentibus, donec continuatis honoribus ad potestatem regiam perueniret? Honorum porro continuandorum facultas non esset, nisi ambitio praeualeret. Minime autem praeualeret ambitio, nisi in populo auaritia luxuriaque corrupto.''</p> **<p>The lust for power, which of all human vices was found in its most concentrated form in the Roman people as a whole, first established its victory in a few powerful individuals, and then crushed the rest of an exhausted country beneath the yoke of slavery.</p><p>For when can that lust for power in arrogant hearts come to rest until, after passing from one office to another, it arrives at sovereignty? Now there would be no occasion for this continuous progress if ambition were not all-powerful; and the essential context for ambition is a people corrupted by greed and sensuality.</p> *** as translated by H. Bettenson (1972), Book 1, Chapter 31, p. 42 *'''The Heavenly City outshines Rome, beyond comparison. There, instead of victory, is truth; instead of high rank, holiness; instead of peace, felicity; instead of life, eternity.''' **Book II, Chapter 29 * '''The dominion of bad men is hurtful chiefly to themselves who rule, for they destroy their own souls by greater license in wickedness; while those who are put under them in service are not hurt except by their own iniquity.''' For to the just all the evils imposed on them by unjust rulers are not the punishment of crime, but the test of virtue. '''Therefore the good man, although he is a slave, is free; but the bad man, even if he reigns, is a slave, and that not of one man, but, what is far more grievous, of as many masters as he has vices'''; of which vices when the divine Scripture treats, it says, “For of whom any man is overcome, to the same he is also the bond-slave.” ** [[s:The City of God/Book IV/Chapter 3|IV, 3]] ** Variant translation: '''The good man, though a slave, is free; the wicked, though he reigns, is a slave, and not the slave of a single man, but — what is worse — the slave of as many masters as he has vices.''' * ''Remota itaque iustitia quid sunt regna nisi magna latrocinia? quia et latrocinia quid sunt nisi parua regna? Manus et ipsa hominum est, imperio principis regitur, pacto societatis astringitur, placiti lege praeda diuiditur. Hoc malum si in tantum perditorum hominum accessibus crescit, ut et loca teneat sedes constituat, ciuitates occupet populos subiuget, euidentius regni nomen adsumit, quod ei iam in manifesto confert non dempta cupiditas, sed addita inpunitas. Eleganter enim et ueraciter Alexandro illi Magno quidam comprehensus pirata respondit. Nam cum idem rex hominem interrogaret, quid ei uideretur, ut mare haberet infestum, ille libera contumacia: Quod tibi, inquit, ut orbem terrarum; sed quia <id> ego exiguo nauigio facio, latro uocor; quia tu magna classe, imperator.'' ** '''[[Justice]] being taken away, then, what are kingdoms but great robberies?''' For what are robberies themselves, but little kingdoms? The band itself is made up of men; it is ruled by the authority of a prince, it is knit together by the pact of the confederacy; the booty is divided by the law agreed on. If, by the admittance of abandoned men, this evil increases to such a degree that it holds places, fixes abodes, takes possession of cities, and subdues peoples, it assumes the more plainly the name of a kingdom, because the reality is now manifestly conferred on it, not by the removal of covetousness, but by the addition of impunity. Indeed, that was an apt and true reply which was given to [[Alexander the Great]] by a pirate who had been seized. For when that king had asked the man what he meant by keeping hostile possession of the sea, he answered with bold pride, “What thou meanest by seizing the whole earth; but because I do it with a petty ship, I am called a robber, whilst thou who dost it with a great fleet art styled emperor.” *** [[s:The City of God/Book IV/Chapter 4|IV, 4]] * For if they imagine infinite spaces of time before the world, during which God could not have been idle, in like manner they may conceive outside the world infinite realms of space, in which, '''if any one says that the Omnipotent cannot hold His hand from working, will it not follow that they must adopt [[Epicurus]]’ dream of innumerable worlds? with this difference only, that he asserts that they are formed and destroyed by the fortuitous movements of atoms, while they will hold that they are made by God’s hand''', if they maintain that, throughout the boundless immensity of space, stretching interminably in every direction round the world, God cannot rest, and that the worlds which they suppose Him to make cannot be destroyed. ...'''neither does it follow that we should suppose that God was guided by chance when He created the world''' in that and no earlier time, although previous times had been running by during an infinite past, and though there was no difference by which one time could be chosen in preference to another. But '''if they say that the thoughts of men are idle when they conceive infinite places, since there is no place beside the world, we reply that, by the same showing, it is vain to conceive of the past times of God’s rest, since there is no time before the world.''' ** [[s:The City of God/Book XI/Chapter 5|XI, 5]] * '''For when [[God]] said, “Let there be [[light]], and there was light,” if we are justified in understanding in this light the creation of the [[angels]], then certainly they were created partakers of the [[eternal]] light which is the unchangeable [[Wisdom]] of God, by which all things were made, and whom we call the only-begotten Son of God'''; so that they, being illumined by the Light that created them, might themselves become light and be called “Day,” in participation of that unchangeable Light and Day which is the Word of God, by whom both themselves and all else were made. “The true Light, which lighteth every man that cometh into the world,” — this Light lighteth also every pure angel, that he may be light not in himself, but in God; from whom if an angel turn away, he becomes impure, as are all those who are called unclean spirits, and are no longer light in the Lord, but darkness in themselves, being deprived of the participation of Light eternal. '''For evil has no positive nature; but the loss of good has received the name “evil.”''' ** [[s:The City of God/Book XI/Chapter 9|XI, 9]] * '''We both are, and know that we are, and delight in our being, and our knowledge of it. Moreover, in these three things no true-seeming illusion disturbs us; for we do not come into contact with these by some bodily sense, as we perceive the things outside of us of all which sensible objects it is the images resembling them, but not themselves which we perceive in the mind and hold in the memory, and which excite us to desire the objects. But, without any delusive representation of images or phantasms, I am most certain that I am, and that I know and delight in this.''' In respect of these truths, I am not at all afraid of the arguments of the Academicians, who say, What if you are deceived? '''For if I am deceived, I am.''' For he who is not, cannot be deceived; and if I am deceived, by this same token I am. And since I am if I am deceived, how am I deceived in believing that I am? for it is certain that I am if I am deceived. Since, therefore, I, the person deceived, should be, even if I were deceived, certainly I am not deceived in this [[knowledge]] that I am. '''And, consequently, neither am I deceived in knowing that I know.''' For, as I know that I am, so I know this also, that I know. And when I love these two things, I add to them a certain third thing, namely, my love, which is of equal moment. '''For neither am I deceived in this, that I love, since''' in those things which I love I am not deceived; though '''even if these were false, it would still be true that I loved false things.''' For how could I justly be blamed and prohibited from loving false things, if it were false that I loved them? But, since they are true and real, who doubts that when they are loved, the love of them is itself true and real? '''Further, as there is no one who does not wish to be happy, so there is no one who does not wish''' [themself] '''to be''' [into being]'''. For how can he be happy, if he is nothing?''' ** [[w:The City of God/Book XI/Chapter 26|XI, 26]], Parts of this passage has been heavily compared with later statements of [[René Descartes]]; in Latin and with a variant translations: :''Quid, si falleris? Si enim fallor, sum. Nam qui non est, utique nec falli potest; ac per hoc sum, si fallor. Quia ergo '''sum si fallor''', quo modo esse me fallor, quando certum est me esse, si fallor.'' :: '''What difference, if you are mistaken? For if I am mistaken, I am. For he who is not, assuredly cannot be mistaken; and therefore I am, if I am mistaken. Therefore because I am if I am mistaken, how am I mistaken that I am, when it is sure that I am, if I am mistaken.'''' : The Latin variations of the statement ''sum si fallor'' (I am because I err), have sometimes become paraphrased ''Fallor, ergo sum'' ('''I err, therefore I am'''), based on the form of the later ''Cogito, ergo sum'' (I think, therefore I am) of ''[[w:Principles of Philosophy|Principles of Philosophy]]'' (1644) by Descartes. Familiarity with Augustine's thought could have actually inspired some of Descartes statements here and in the earlier ''[[w:Meditations on First Philosophy|Meditations on First Philosophy]]'' (1641): "'''Doubt is the origin of wisdom.'''". * '''[[Beauty]] is indeed a good gift of God; but that the good may not think it a great good, God dispenses it even to the wicked.''' ** [[s:The City of God/Book XV/Chapter 22|XV, 22]] <!-- As translated by Marcus Dods in ''The Works of Aurelius Augustine : A New Translation'', Vol. 2, p. 91 --> * '''The philosophers who wished us to have the gods for our friends rank the [[friendship]] of the holy angels in the fourth circle of society, advancing now from the three circles of society on earth to the universe, and embracing heaven itself.''' And in this friendship we have indeed no fear that the angels will grieve us by their death or deterioration. But as we cannot mingle with them as familiarly as with men (which itself is one of the grievances of this life), and as Satan, as we read, sometimes transforms himself into an angel of light, to tempt those whom it is necessary to discipline, or just to deceive, there is great need of God’s mercy to preserve us from making friends of demons in disguise, while we fancy we have good angels for our friends; for the astuteness and deceitfulness of these wicked spirits is equalled by their hurtfulness. ** [[s:The City of God/Book XIX/Chapter 9|XIX, 9]] * But if we discard this definition of a people, and, assuming another, say that '''a people is an assemblage of reasonable beings bound together by a common agreement as to the objects of their love,''' then, in order to discover the character of any people, we have only to observe what they love. Yet whatever it loves, if only it is an assemblage of reasonable beings and not of beasts, and is bound together by an agreement as to the objects of love, it is reasonably called a people; and it will be a superior people in proportion as it is bound together by higher interests, inferior in proportion as it is bound together by lower. ** [[s:The City of God/Book XIX/Chapter 24|XIX, 24]] ===De Unitate Ecclesiae - On the Unity of the Church (c. 401 – 405)=== :''Ad Catholicos Epistula contra Donatistas'' (Letter to the Catholics against the Donatists), or ''De Unitate Ecclesiae'' (On the Unity of the Church), [http://books.google.com/books?id=toDBzX2-7iUC&pg=PA49&dq=%22Catholicos+Epistula+contra+Donatistas+%22&hl=en&ei=jGlQTqGpKNSlsQLM_-HNBg&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=result&resnum=2&ved=0CDEQ6AEwAQ#v=onepage&q=%22Catholicos%20Epistula%20contra%20Donatistas%20%22&f=false] <br>''Ad Catholicos epistola contra Donatistas vulgo De Unitate Ecclesiae liber unus''. Latin text in Migne, [[w:Patrologia Latina|Patrologia Latina (PL)]], 43:391–446. [http://books.google.com/books?id=SXPYAAAAMAAJ&pg=RA1-PT184] Variant: ''[http://www.augustinus.it/latino/lettera_cattolici/lettera_cattolici.htm Epistula ad Catholicos de secta Donatistarum]''. *Quaerite, Donatistae, si nescitis, quaerite ab Ierusalem per terrena itinera in circuitu usque in Illyricum quot mansiones sint: si tot Ecclesias computemus, dicite quemadmodum per Africanas contentiones perire potuerunt. Ad Corinthios, ad Ephesios, ad Philippenses, ad Thessalonicenses, ad Colossenses vos solas Apostoli epistulas in lectione, nos autem et epistulas in lectione ac fide et ipsas Ecclesias in communione retinemus. [http://books.google.com/books?id=iPQQAAAAYAAJ&pg=PA412 PL 43, 414] **'''Ask, O ye Donatists, if ye know it not, ask how many stopping-places there were in the Apostle’s journeys round about unto Illyricum.''' Add up the number of the churches, and tell me how they have perished through our African strife. Corinth, Ephesus, Philippi, Thessalonica, Collosae - you have only the letters of the Apostles to read which he addressed to them. We read the letters, we preserve the faith. We are in communion with the churches. (ch.12:31) ***[[w:Arthur Headlam|A.C. Headlam]] regards these words as [http://books.google.com/books?id=gxjlXxw0HMMC&q=%22This+is+the+argument+of+the+whole+treatise.%22&dq=%22This+is+the+argument+of+the+whole+treatise.%22&hl=en&ei=UWdQTovZBqrJsQKNs73JDQ&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=result&resnum=1&ved=0CCoQ6AEwAA “the argument of the whole treatise”] See, [http://www.archive.org/details/doctrineofchurch00headuoft ''The Doctrine of the Church and Christian Reunion: Being the Bampton Lectures for the Year 1920]'', Rev. Arthur Cayley Headlam, D.D., London, John Murray, p. 152. *** [http://books.google.com/books?id=RACb6TICT4QC&pg=PA131&dq=%22ask+o+ye+donatists%22&hl=en&ei=NpJRTt2qD8rlsQKsnvzQBQ&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=result&resnum=1&ved=0CCoQ6AEwAA#v=onepage&q=%22ask%20o%20ye%20donatists%22&f=false ''The Gospel and Catholic Church'', (1936, reissue ed. 2009)], [[w:Michael Ramsey| Michael Ramsey]], Hendrickson Publishers; {{ISBN|1598563890}} {{ISBN|9781598563894}}, p. 131 *'''The Head and the body are Christ wholly and entirely'''. The Head is the only begotten Son of God, the body is His Church; the bridegroom and the bride, two in one flesh. All who dissent from the Scriptures concerning Christ, although they may be found in all places in which the Church is found, are not in the Church; and again all those who agree with the Scriptures concerning the Head, and do not communicate in the unity of the Church, are not in the Church **''Encyclical letter of [[w:Pope Leo XIII|Pope Leo XIII]] on the Unity of the Church'', June 29, 1896, ch. 16, ''Publications of the Catholic Truth Society'', 1896, London, Volume 30, p. 41. [http://books.google.com/books?id=pYcQAAAAIAAJ&pg=PA41&dq=%22Head+and+the+body+are+Christ+wholly+and+entirely%22&hl=en&ei=6JVRToOwCYbKsQKKxvTHBg&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=result&resnum=2&ved=0CC8Q6AEwAQ#v=onepage&q=%22Head%20and%20the%20body%20are%20Christ%20wholly%20and%20entirely%22&f=false] *** Alternate translation: '''The whole Christ is Head and Body.''' The Head, the only begotten Son of God; and His Body, the Church: the Bridegroom and the Bride, two in one flesh. Whosoever dissent from the Holy Scriptures in respect of the Head, even though they be found in all the places in which the Church is marked out to be, are not in the Church. And again, whosoever agree with the Holy Scriptures concerning the Head, and do not communicate with the unity of the Body, are not in the Church, because they dissent from Christ's own witness concerning Christ's Body, which is the Church. *** [[w:Edward Bouverie Pusey|Dr. Pusey]], ''[http://books.google.com/books?id=Cn-pxLKAcRIC&pg=PA82&dq=%22whole+Christ+is+Head+and+Body.+The+Head,+the+only-begotten+Son+of+God%22&hl=en&ei=gZZRTpHKDqmusQKQ8cnnBg&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=result&resnum=1&ved=0CCoQ6AEwAA#v=onepage&q=%22whole%20Christ%20is%20Head%20and%20Body.%20The%20Head%2C%20the%20only-begotten%20Son%20of%20God%22&f=false and the Ancient Church'' (1866), by Thomas W. Allies, Longmans, Green, London, p. 82] *'''We may not assent to the teaching even of the Catholic bishops, if at any time they are deceived into opinions contrary to the canonical Scriptures of God'''; but if they should so fall into error, '''and yet maintain the bond of unity and charity''', let the apostle's saying avail in their case: 'And if in anything ye are otherwise minded, God shall reveal even this unto you.' Now these divine words have so manifest an application to the whole Church, that none but heretics in their stubborn [[perverseness]] and blind fury can bark against them. (Cf. Augustine's ''Reply to Faustus the Manichaean'' (Contra Faustum), book 11, 5 [http://www.google.com/search?tbm=bks&tbo=1&q=%22For+we+are+of+those+of+whom+the+apostle+says%3A+%22And+if+ye+be+otherwise+minded%22&btnG=#q=%22For+we+are+of+those+of+whom+the+apostle+says:+%22And+if+ye+be+otherwise+minded%22&um=1&hl=en&ie=UTF-8&tbo=u&tbm=bks&source=og&sa=N&tab=wp&bav=on.2,or.r_gc.r_pw.&fp=285f39394c4fa235&biw=1247&bih=731] ) **''The Unity of the Church'' (1842), [[w:Henry Edward Manning|Henry Edward Manning]], John Murray (pub.), London, p. 52. [http://books.google.com/books?id=qNc-AAAAIAAJ&pg=PA52&dq=%22We+may+not+assent+to+the+teaching+even+of+the+Catholic+bishops%22&hl=en&ei=1mxQToqjBsyfsQL4mpmFCw&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=result&resnum=1&ved=0CCoQ6AEwAA#v=onepage&q=%22We%20may%20not%20assent%20to%20the%20teaching%20even%20of%20the%20Catholic%20bishops%22&f=false]<small> Comment: “As for contemporary figures, Augustine urged the Donatist faithful not to heed their bishops who were perpetuating the schism. ‘Neither should the Catholic bishops be followed when they are wrong and hold an opinion contrary to the canonical Scriptures of God.’ As [[w:Yves Congar|Congar]] explains, each bishop is united to the faith of his Church which in turn is dependent on Scripture. In saying this, Augustine apparently did not take seriously the possibility of some quasi-universal opposition to Scripture among Catholic bishops, but rather envisaged a possible ''local or regional'' disruption. ''Augustinian Studies'', 1980, vols. 11-12, Augustinian Institute, Villanova, Pa., Villanova University Press, p. 138. [http://books.google.com/books?id=mB4ZAAAAIAAJ&q=%22urged+the+Donatist+faithful+not+to+heed+their+bishops+who+were%22&dq=%22urged+the+Donatist+faithful+not+to+heed+their+bishops+who+were%22&hl=en&ei=ixouToagCuSNsQLn4N1K&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=result&resnum=1&ved=0CCkQ6AEwAA]</small> === ''Ten Homilies on the First Epistle of John'' (414) === ::<small>''See also: [[First Epistle of John]]''</small> * The light will not shame you, if it shows you your own ugliness, and that ugliness so offends you that you perceive the beauty of the light. ** First Homily, as translated by John Burnaby (1955), p. 262 * What is love's perfection? To love our enemies, and to love them to the end that they may be our brothers. ** First Homily, as translated by John Burnaby (1955), p. 266 * In a quarrel for earth, turn not to earth. ** First Homily, as translated by John Burnaby (1955), p. 267 * Shut out the evil love of the world, that you may be filled with the love of God. You are a vessel that was already full: you must pour away what you have, that you may take in what you have not. ** Second Homily, as translated by John Burnaby (1955), p. 274 *<p>A man might say, "The things that are in the world are what God has made. ... Why should I not love what God has made?" ...</p><p>Suppose, my brethren, a man should make for his betrothed a ring, and she should prefer the ring given her to the betrothed who made it for her, would not her heart be convicted of infidelity? ... God has given you all these things: therefore, love him who made them.</p> ** Second Homily, as translated by John Burnaby (1955), pp. 275-276 * Let each look to his own heart: let him not keep hatred against his brother for any hard word; on account of earthly contention let him not become earth. ** First Homily, Paragraph 11, as translated by H. Browne, ''Nicene and Post-Nicene Fathers, First Series'', Vol. 7 (1888) * ''Quantum in te crescit amor, tantum crescit pulchritudo; quia ipsa caritas est animae pulchritudo.'' ** [[Beauty]] grows in you to the extent that [[love]] grows, because [[charity]] itself is the [[soul]]'s beauty. *** Ninth Homily, Paragraph 9, as translated by Boniface Ramsey (2008) Augustinian Heritage Institute :* Variant translation: :** Inasmuch as love grows in you, in so much beauty grows; for love is itself the beauty of the soul. :*** as translated by H. Browne and J. H. Meyers, ''The Nicene and Post Nicene Fathers'' (1995) ===''[[w:On the Trinity|On the Trinity]]'' (417)=== :<small>''De trinitate'' [[s:la:De trinitate (Aurelius Augustinus)|full Latin text at Wikisource]]</small> * The inclination to seek the truth is safer than the presumption which regards unknown things as known. ** (Cambridge: 2002), Book 9, Chapter 1, p. 24 * When I, who conduct this inquiry, love something, then three things are found: I, what I love, and the love itself. … There are, therefore three things: the lover, the beloved and the love. ** (Cambridge: 2002), Book 9, Chapter 2, Section 2, p. 26 * The mind itself, its love [of itself] and its knowledge [of itself] are a kind of trinity. ** (Cambridge: 2002), Book 9, Chapter 4, Section 4, p. 27 Notation — ''de Trinitate'' 200-258 "God sometimes had prophets use symbolic language that was fitted to the [Israelite's] state of belief and that reflects God not as God actually is, but as the people were able to understand. God, therefore, is not mediocre, but the people's understanding is mediocre; God is not limited, but the intellectual capacity of the people's mind is limited." ===Letter 199 (AD 418)=== :<small>[https://web.archive.org/web/20180310041656/http://www.abbaye-saint-benoit.ch/saints/augustin/lettres/s003/l199.htm Paragraph 24 in French]</small> *Even then [at the time of Peter's speech in Acts 2] it was the last days; how much more so now, when there must still be as much time till the end of the world as has passed since the ascension of the Lord! We do not know the end of the world, because it is not for us to know the times or the seasons that the Father has set in his power; but we know that, like the apostles, we live in the last times, in the last days, in the last hour. Those who lived after the apostles and before us were more in what we call the last times, and we ourselves are in them even more than they; those who will come after us will be so much more, till one gets to those who will be, if one may say so, the last of the last, and finally till that day, the very last, of which the Lord means to speak when he said, "And I will raise him up on the last day". How far are we from that day? That is an impenetrable secret. ===''De Baptismo''=== *''Salus extra ecclesiam non est'' or ''[[w:Extra Ecclesiam nulla salus|Extra Ecclesiam nulla salus]]'' **'''There is no salvation outside the church.''' **''On Baptism, Against the Donatists'', book IV, ch. 17. Citing [http://books.google.com/books?id=8HkXAAAAIAAJ&pg=PA458&dq=augustine+%22is+not+without+the+Church%22&hl=en&ei=7I3yTbj3N5StgQeXjenNCw&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=result&resnum=8&ved=0CE4Q6AEwBw#v=onepage&q=%22is%20not%20without%20the%20Church%22&f=false the famous teaching] of St. [[w:Cyprian|Cyprian]]. In letter 185:50 (on the Donatist controversy), Augustine speaks of those who have ''knowingly'' separated from the unity of the Church: "Furthermore, the Catholic Church alone is the body of Christ, of which He is the Head and Saviour of His body. Outside this body the Holy Spirit giveth life to no one, seeing that, as the apostle says himself, 'The love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us;' but he is not a partaker of the divine love '''who is the enemy of unity'''. Therefore they have not the Holy Ghost who are outside the Church; for it is written of them, 'They ''separate themselves'', being sensual, having not the Spirit.'" [http://books.google.com/books?id=USoMAAAAIAAJ&pg=PA519&dq=%22catholic+church+alone+is+the+body+of+christ%22&hl=en&ei=4KbyTcqgG87PgAeO6ujjCw&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=result&resnum=9&ved=0CFMQ6AEwCA#v=onepage&q=%22catholic%20church%20alone%20is%20the%20body%20of%20christ%22&f=false]. Augustine does, however, allow certain exceptions, as for example, in cases of [[w:invincible ignorance fallacy|invincible ignorance]]. Eugène Portalié, S.J. writes: "God’s immediate influence on souls, however, is not hindered by this ordinarily indispensable role of the Church. That is an accusation of Protestants which Augustine had foreseen. (I) In the Church, God acts ceaselessly in souls through His graces as the interior teacher and inspirer of all good. (2) Outside of the Church, God’s hands are not tied: He can work marvels of grace without human intervention in souls who ''do not yet know the Church'', as the case of the centurion Cornelius witnesses, who had received the Holy Spirit before being baptized. God acts thus to show more clearly that it is always He and not the minister who sanctifies: “Why does it happen now this way, now that way, unless to prevent us from attributing anything to our human pride but to divine grace and power?” The conclusion is that God sometimes sanctifies without the Church and the sacraments, ''but never one who scorns the sacraments'': “Therefore we conclude that an invisible sanctification has been offered to some and used to advantage without visible sacraments.... Not on that account, however, is the visible sacrament to be scorned, for one who scorns it can in no way be sanctified invisibly.” [http://books.google.com/books?id=ULAiVpCMGrAC&pg=RA1-PT349&lpg=RA1-PT349&dq=%22invisible+sanctification+has+been+offered+to+some%22&source=bl&ots=eiCbBwZI1I&sig=mp4zavhfLwzEA_kEB97m_g1maDM&hl=en&ei=Y5nyTYWbBo7VgAegpcjTCw&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=result&resnum=7&ved=0CFsQ6AEwBg#v=onepage&q=%22invisible%20sanctification%20has%20been%20offered%20to%20some%22&f=false ''God, History, and Dialectic: The Theological Foundations of the Two Europes'' (1997) by Joseph P. Farrell], Seven Councils Press,<small> {{ISBN|0966086007}} {{ISBN|9780966086003 }}</small> p. 1013, also in [http://books.google.com/books?id=3sYIAQAAIAAJ&q=A+Guide+to+the+Thought+of+St.+Augustine&dq=A+Guide+to+the+Thought+of+St.+Augustine&hl=en&ei=Kp3yTfD8Lce4twfNs-j4Bg&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=result&resnum=2&ved=0CDEQ6AEwAQ ''A Guide to the Thought of St. Augustine'' (1960) by H. Regnery, pp. 232-233] ===''De coniugiis adulterinis''=== *Who dismisses his adulterous wife and marries another woman, whereas his first wife still lives, remains perpetually in the state of adultery. Such a man does not any efficacious penance while he refuses to abandon the new wife. If he is a catechumen, he cannot be admitted to baptism, because his will remains rooted in the evil. If he is a (baptized) penitent, he cannot receive the (ecclesiastical) reconciliation as long as he does not break with his bad attitude. **''De adulterinis coniugiis'', 2, 16, in Bishop [[Athanasius Schneider]], [https://rorate-caeli.blogspot.com/2015/11/rorate-exclusive-bishop-athanasius.html ''Reaction to Synod Door to communion for divorced & remarried officially kicked open''], November 2nd, 2015 ===''De Genesi ad Litteram''=== * ''Quapropter bono christiano, sive mathematici, sive quilibet impie divinantium, maxime dicentes vera, cavendi sunt, ne consortio daemoniorum animam deceptam, pacto quodam societatis irretiant.'' ** II, xvii, 37 ** Translation published in ''Mathematics in Western Culture'' (1953): The good Christian should beware the mathematician and all those who make empty prophecies. The danger already exists that the mathematicians have made a covenant with the devil to darken the spirit and to confine man in the bonds of hell. ** Modern translation by J.H. Taylor in ''Ancient Christian Writers'' (1982): Hence, a devout Christian must avoid astrologers and all impious soothsayers, especially when they tell the truth, for fear of leading his soul into error by consorting with demons and entangling himself with the bonds of such association. ** Note: The well known, but incorrect English translation was published on page 3 of Morris Kline's ''Mathematics in Western Culture'' (1953). This book is a favorite with math students and is still in print. The Latin word ''mathematici'' derives from the Greek meaning of "something learned" and refers mainly to astrologers. This was the chief branch of mathematics at the time but has been replaced in modern times by a plethora of other branches. According to the ''Shorter Oxford English Dictionary'', 3rd edition, the word "mathematician" still meant astrologer as late as 1710. *In matters that are so obscure and far beyond our [[vision]], we find in Holy Scripture passages which can be interpreted in very different ways without prejudice to the [[faith]] we have received. In such cases, we should not rush in headlong and so firmly take our stand on one side that, if further progress in the search for truth justly undermines this position, we too fall with it." ** I, xviii, 37. Modern translation by J.H. Taylor *To such a one my answer is that I have arrived at a nourishing kernel in that I have learnt that a man is not in any difficulty in making a reply according to his faith which he ought to make to those who try to defame our Holy Scripture. When they are able, from reliable evidence, to prove some fact of physical science, we shall show that it is not contrary to our Scripture. But when they produce from any of their books a theory contrary to Scripture, and therefore contrary to the Catholic faith, either we shall have some ability to demonstrate that it is absolutely false, or at least we ourselves will hold it so without any shadow of a doubt. And we will so cling to our Mediator, “in whom are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and [[knowledge]],” that we will not be led astray by the glib talk of false philosophy or frightened by the superstition of false religion. When we read the inspired books in the light of this wide variety of true doctrines which are drawn from a few words and founded on the firm basis of Catholic belief, let us choose that one which appears as certainly the meaning intended by the author. But if this is not clear, then at least we should choose an interpretation in keeping with the context of Scripture and in harmony with our faith. But if the meaning cannot be studied and judged by the context of Scripture, at least we should choose only that which our faith demands. For it is one thing to fail to recognize the primary meaning of the writer, and another to depart from the norms of religious belief. If both these difficulties are avoided, the reader gets full profit from his reading." ** I, xxi, 41. Modern translation by J.H. Taylor * ''Plerumque enim accidit ut aliquid de terra, de coelo, de caeteris mundi huius elementis, de motu et conversione vel etiam magnitudine et intervallis siderum, de certis defectibus solis ac lunae, de circuitibus annorum et temporum, de naturis animalium, fruticum, lapidum, atque huiusmodi caeteris, etiam non christianus ita noverit, ut certissima ratione vel experientia teneat. Turpe est autem nimis et perniciosum ac maxime cavendum, ut christianum de his rebus quasi secundum christianas Litteras loquentem, ita delirare audiat, ut, quemadmodum dicitur, toto coelo errare conspiciens, risum tenere vix possit. Et non tam molestum est, quod errans homo deridetur, sed quod auctores nostri ab eis qui foris sunt, talia sensisse creduntur, et cum magno eorum exitio de quorum salute satagimus, tamquam indocti reprehenduntur atque respuuntur. Cum enim quemquam de numero Christianorum in ea re quam optime norunt, errare comprehenderint, et vanam sententiam suam de nostris Libris asserere; quo pacto illis Libris credituri sunt, de resurrectione mortuorum, et de spe vitae aeternae, regnoque coelorum, quando de his rebus quas iam experiri, vel indubitatis numeris percipere potuerunt, fallaciter putaverint esse conscriptos? Quid enim molestiae tristitiaeque ingerant prudentibus fratribus temerarii praesumptores, satis dici non potest, cum si quando de prava et falsa opinatione sua reprehendi, et convinci coeperint ab eis qui nostrorum Librorum auctoritate non tenentur, ad defendendum id quod levissima temeritate et apertissima falsitate dixerunt, eosdem Libros sanctos, unde id probent, proferre conantur, vel etiam memoriter, quae ad testimonium valere arbitrantur, multa inde verba pronuntiant, non intellegentes neque quae loquuntur, neque de quibus affirmant.'' ** I, xix, 39. ** Translation by J. H. Taylor in Ancient Christian Writers, Newman Press, 1982, volume 41: "Usually, even a non-Christian knows something about the earth, the heavens, and the other elements of this world, about the motion and orbit of the stars and even their size and relative positions, about the predictable eclipses of the sun and moon, the cycles of the years and the seasons, about the kinds of animals, shrubs, stones, and so forth, and this [[knowledge]] he holds to as being certain from reason and experience. Now, it is a disgraceful and dangerous thing for an infidel to hear a Christian, presumably giving the meaning of Holy Scripture, talking nonsense on these topics; and we should take all means to prevent such an embarrassing situation, in which people show up vast ignorance in a Christian and laugh it to scorn. The shame is not so much that an ignorant individual is derided, but that people outside the household of faith think our sacred writers held such opinions, and, to the great loss of those for whose salvation we toil, the writers of our Scripture are criticized and rejected as unlearned men. If they find a Christian mistaken in a field which they themselves know well and hear him maintaining his foolish opinions about our books, how are they going to believe those books in matters concerning the resurrection of the dead, the hope of eternal life, and the kingdom of heaven, when they think their pages are full of falsehoods and on facts which they themselves have learnt from experience and the light of reason? Reckless and incompetent expounders of Holy Scripture bring untold trouble and sorrow on their wiser brethren when they are caught in one of their mischievous false opinions and are taken to task by those who are not bound by the authority of our sacred books. For then, to defend their utterly foolish and obviously untrue statements, they will try to call upon Holy Scripture for proof and even recite from memory many passages which they think support their position, although they understand neither what they say nor the things about which they make assertion." **Variant translation: We must be on our guard against giving interpretations [of scripture] which are hazardous or opposed to science, and so exposing the word of God to the ridicule of unbelievers. ===''In epistolam Ioannis ad Parthos''=== * Once for all, then, a short precept is given thee: '''[[Love]], and do what thou wilt:''' whether thou hold thy [[peace]], through love hold thy peace; whether thou cry out, through love cry out; whether thou correct, through love correct; whether thou spare, through love do thou spare: let the root of love be within, of this root can nothing spring but what is [[good]]. ** [http://www.newadvent.org/fathers/170207.htm Tractatus VII, 8] ** Latin: ''"[[wikt:diligo#Latin|dilige]] et quod vis fac."''; falsely often: ''"[[wikt:amo#Latin|ama]] et fac quod vis."'' ** Translation by Professor Joseph Fletcher: '''Love and then what you will, do.''' ===''Expositions on the Psalms''=== *[[God]] is one, and the Church is a [[unity]]; only unity can respond to him who is one. But there are some people why say, “Yes, that certainly was the case. The Church spread among all nations did respond to him, bearing more children than did the wedded wife. ''It responded to him in the way of his strength'', for it believed that Christ had risen. All nations believed in him. But that Church which was drawn from all nations no longer exists: it has perished.”<br>'''So say people who are not within the Church. What an impudent assertion!''' The Church does not exist because you are not in it? Be careful lest such an attitude result in your not existing yourself, for the Church will be here even if you are not. '''But the Spirit of God anticipated this abominable, detestable assertion, this claim full of presumption and falsehood, a claim with nothing to support it, illumined by no spark of wisdom, seasoned by no salt'''. God’s Spirit anticipated this empty, unfounded, foolhardy and pernicious proposition and seemingly refuted it in advance by proclaiming that the Church is united ''by the gathering of the people together into one, and kingdoms to serve the Lord''. **Exposition 2 of Psalm 108. ''The unity and perpetuity of the Church against the [[w:Donatism|Donatists]]''. **''Expositions of the Psalms 99-120 (The Works of Saint Augustine, Vol 19 Part 3)'', Boniface Ramsey, ed., Maria Boulding, O.S.B, tr., New City Press, {{ISBN|1565481976}}, {{ISBN|9781565481961}}, pp. 68-69 [http://books.google.com/books?id=3iWSkxuvyQ4C&pg=PA68&dq=%22So+say+people+who+are+not+within+the+Church.+What+an+impudent+assertion%22&hl=en&ei=-MlfTI7XKIHGlQeZ0JCZCA&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=result&resnum=1&ved=0CCUQ6AEwAA#v=onepage&q=%22So%20say%20people%20who%20are%20not%20within%20the%20Church.%20What%20an%20impudent%20assertion%22&f=false] ===''Sermons''=== [[File:AugustineBaptism.jpg|thumb|right|You wish to be [[great]], begin from the least. You are thinking to construct some mighty fabric in height; first think of the foundation of [[humility]].]] * We make a ladder of our vices, if we trample those same vices underfoot. ** 3 *So the Church imitates the Lord’s mother — not in the bodily sense, which it could not do — but in mind it is both mother and virgin. In no way, then, did Christ deprive his mother of her virginity by being *But it isn’t just a matter of faith, but of faith and works. Each is necessary. For the demons also believe — you heard the apostle — and tremble (Jas 2:19); but their believing doesn’t do them any good. [[Faith]] alone is not enough, unless [[works]] too are joined to it: ''Faith working through [[love]]'' (Gal 5:6), says the apostle. **16A:11:2 * '''''Non enim amat Deus damnare sed salvare''', et ideo patiens est in malos, ut de malis faciat bonos.'' ** '''For God loves to save and not to condemn'''; therefore is he patient with evil, that out of evil good may be brought. *** 18 *'''You wish to be [[great]], begin from the least. You are thinking to construct some mighty fabric in height; first think of the foundation of [[humility]].''' And how great soever a mass of building one may wish and design to place above it, the greater the building is to be, the deeper does he dig his foundation. ** [http://www.newadvent.org/fathers/160319.htm Sermon 19:2 on the New Testament] * [[Anger]] is a weed; [[hate]] is the [[tree]]. ** 58 * ''Date ergo pauperibus: rogo, moneo, praecipio, iubeo.'' ** So give to the poor; I’m begging you, I’m warning you, I’m commanding you, I’m ordering you. *** 61:13 ** Alternate versions: *** Give then to the poor; I beg, I advise, I charge, I command you. **** [http://www.newadvent.org/fathers/160311.htm Sermon 11:13 on the New Testament][http://books.google.com/books?as_q=&hl=en&num=10&as_epq=I+beg,+I+advise,+I+charge,+I+command+you.&as_oq=&as_eq=&lr=&cr=&as_ft=i&as_filetype=&as_qdr=all&as_nlo=&as_nhi=&as_occt=any&as_dt=i&as_sitesearch=&as_rights=&safe=images&um=1&ie=UTF-8&sa=N&tab=wp] *** Therefore, give to the poor. I beg you, I admonish you, I charge you, I command you to give. ****Sermon 61:13, ''On Almsgiving'', [http://www.archive.org/details/fathersofthechur027834mbp ''The Fathers Of The Church: A New Translation. Saint Augustine Commentary On The Lord’s Sermon On The Mount With Seventeen Related Sermons''], (1951), Ludwig Schopp, Roy Joseph Deferrari, vol. 11/3, p. 286 * But let us realize what sort of rich people. Here comes heaven knows who across our path, wrapped in rags, and he has been jumping for joy and laughing on hearing it said that the rich man can’t enter the kingdom of heaven; and he’s been saying, “I, though, will enter; that’s what theses rags will earn me; those who treat s badly and insult us, those who bear down hard upon us won’t enter; no, that sort certainly won’t enter. '''But just a minute, Mr. Poor Man; consider whether you can, in fact, enter. What if you’re poor, and also happen to be greedy? What if you’re sunk in destitution, and at the same time on fire with avarice?''' So if that’s what you’re like, whoever you are that are poor, it’s not because you haven’t wanted to be rich, but because you haven’t been able to. So God doesn’t inspect your means, but he observes your will. '''So if that’s what you’re like, leading a bad life, of bad morals, a blasphemer, an adulterer, a drunkard, proud, cross yourself off the list of God’s poor; you won’t be among those of whom it is said, ''Blessed are the poor in spirit, since theirs is the kingdom of heaven'' (Mt 5:3)'''. **Sermon 346A:6 (c. 399 A.D.) "On the Word of God as Leader of the Christians on Their Pilgrimage," ''Works of Saint Augustine: A Translation for the 21st Century'', III/10, Sermons, 341-400, New City Press, Edmund Hill O.P., trans., (1995), {{ISBN|1565480554 }} {{ISBN|9781565480285 }}, p. 74.[http://books.google.com/books?id=iE30Zob4v98C&pg=PA74&dq=%22But+just+a+minute,+Mr.+Poor+Man;+consider+whether+you+can%22&hl=en&sa=X&ei=-cHUUbqIIJO68wTn-YC4DA&ved=0CC0Q6AEwAA#v=onepage&q=%22But%20just%20a%20minute%2C%20Mr.%20Poor%20Man%3B%20consider%20whether%20you%20can%22&f=false] * The fellow who eggs you on to avenge yourself will rob you of what you were going to say – ''as we forgive our debtors''. When you have forfeited that, all your sins will be held against you; absolutely nothing is forgiven. ** 57:11:3 * ''Columba amat et quando caedit. Lupus odit et quando blanditur.'' ** The dove loves even when it attacks; the wolf hates even when it flatters. *** 64 * Bad times, hard times, this is what people keep saying; but let us live well, and times shall be good. We are the times: Such as we are, such are the times. ** 80:8 * So there you are; listen; as I said, '''[[God]] "worships" us in the sense of tending our [[worth]].''' That we worship God, of course, doesn't need proving to you. It's on everybody's lips, after all, that human beings worship God. '''That God, though, worships human beings, it's enough to frighten hearers out of their wits, because people are not in the habit of saying that God worships human beings — in that special sense —but that human beings worship God.''' <br>So I've got to prove to you that God too does "worship" human beings, or you will consider, perhaps, that I have used the word very carelessly, and begin arguing against me in your thoughts, and finding fault with me because you don't in fact grasp what I have been saying. So it's agreed that this is what has to be demonstrated to you: that God also "worships" us; but in the sense I have already mentioned, that he tends our worth as his field, to make improvements in us. The Lord says in the gospel: I am the vine, you are the branches; my Father is the farm worker (Jn 15:5,1). What does a farm worker do? I'm asking you, those of you who are farm workers and farmers. What does a farm worker do? I presume he works his farm, that is, tends its worth, that is, "worships" it, in a sense. So if God the Father is a farmer or farm worker, it means he has a farm, and he works or "worships" his farm, and expects a crop from it. ** Sermon 87:2 ([http://www.newadvent.org/fathers/160337.htm Sermon 37:2]) on Matthew 20. Preached in the autumn after 424. [http://www.thelatinlibrary.com/augustine/serm87.shtml Latin] **''The Works of Saint Augustine: A Translation for the 21st Century (Sermons 51-94)'', John E. Rotelle, Edmund Hill, eds. & trans., New City Press, 1990 {{ISBN|0911782850}}, {{ISBN|9780911782851}} pp. 407- 408. [http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&num=10&lr=&ft=i&cr=&safe=images&um=1&ie=UTF-8&tbo=u&tbs=bks:1&source=og&q=%22So%20there%20you%20are%3B%20listen%3B%20as%20I%20said%2C%20God%20worships%20us%20in%20the%20sense%20of%20tending%20our%20worth%22&sa=N&tab=wp] * ''Factus est Deus homo ut homo fieret Deus.'' ** God became man so that man might become God. ** 128 *''Roma locuta est; causa finita est.'' **'''Rome has spoken; the case is concluded.''' **131 * ''He who created you without you will not justify you without you.'' ** 169 * '''He who created us without our help will not save us without our consent.''' ** St. Augustine, Sermo 169, 11, 13: PL 38, 923 as quoted in Fr. Mitch Pacwa, S. J.. Saved: A Bible Study Guide for Catholics (p. 15). Our Sunday Visitor. Kindle Edition. * ''Caritas radix est omnium operum bonorum.'' ** [[Charity]] is the root of [[all]] [[good]] [[works]]. *** 179A:5:1 ** Compare: [[w:Radix_malorum_est_cupiditas|''Radix malorum est cupiditas'']]; "greed is the root of all evil" * '''I too have sworn heedlessly and all the time, I have had this most repulsive and death-dealing habit.''' I’m telling your graces; from the moment I began to serve [[God]], and saw what evil there is in forswearing oneself, I grew very afraid indeed, and out of fear I applied the brakes to this old, old, habit. ** 180:10:1 * When the apostle [[w:James the Apostle|James]] was talking about [[faith]] and works against those who thought their faith was enough, and didn’t want to have good works, he said, ''You believe God is one; you do well; the demons also believe, and tremble''.” (Jas 2:19) ** 183:13:2 * So the Church too, like Mary, enjoys perpetual virginity and uncorrupted fecundity. ** 195:2 *Don’t hold yourselves cheap, seeing that the creator of all things and of you estimates your value so high, so dear, that he pours out for you every day the most precious blood of his only-begotten Son. ** 216:3:1 * Nobody should ever doubt that ''in the washing of rebirth'' (Titus 3:5) absolutely all sins, from the least to the greatest, are altogether forgiven. ** 229E:2 * You can live, provided you live; that is, you can live for ever, provided you live a good life. ** 229H:3:2 * '' Ideo, carissimi, veneramini martyres, laudate, amate, praedicate, honorate: Deum martyrum colite.'' ** '''Venerate the martyrs, praise, love, proclaim, honor them. But worship the [[God]] of the martyrs'''. *** 273:9; translation from: ''The works of Saint Augustine'', John E. Rotelle, New City Press, {{ISBN|1565480600}} {{ISBN|9781565480605 }}p. 21. [http://books.google.com/books?id=13HYAAAAMAAJ&q=%22venerate+the+martyrs,+praise,+love,+proclaim,+honor+them%22&dq=%22venerate+the+martyrs,+praise,+love,+proclaim,+honor+them%22&hl=en&ei=8MJkTejQMISdlgeq0aGrBg&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=result&resnum=2&ved=0CCwQ6AEwAQ] * ''Non ergo accedas, si potes, nisi liberorum procreandorum causa.'' ** So if you can manage it, you shouldn’t touch your partner, except for the sake of having children. *** 278:9; translation from: ''The works of Saint Augustine'', John E. Rotelle, New City Press, 1994, {{ISBN|1565480600}} {{ISBN|978-1565480605 }}p. 55. [http://books.google.com/books?id=5jswAAAAYAAJ&q=%22if+you+can+manage+it,+you+shouldn%E2%80%99t+touch+your+partner,+except+for+the+sake+of+having+children%22&dq=%22if+you+can+manage+it,+you+shouldn%E2%80%99t+touch+your+partner,+except+for+the+sake+of+having+children%22&hl=en&ei=dMJkTaOcCcGC8gah4IjmBg&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=result&resnum=1&ved=0CC0Q6AEwAA] * ''Cantare amantis est.'' ** Singing is of a lover. ** Variant translation: To sing is characteristic of the lover. *** 336 * ''Temporibus enim nostris venit imperator in urbem Romam: ibi est templum imperatoris, ibi est sepulcrum piscatoris. Itaque ille ad deprecandam a Domino salutem imperator pius atque christianus non perrexit ad templum imperatoris superbum, sed ad sepulcrum piscatoris, ubi humilis ipsum piscatorem imitaretur, ut tunc respectus aliquid impetraret a Domino, quod superbiens imperator mereri non posset.'' ** '''In our own times, you see, an emperor came to the city of Rome, where there’s the temple of an emperor, where there’s a [[w:Saint Peter's tomb|fisherman’s tomb]]'''. And so that pious and Christian emperor, wishing to beg for health, for salvation from the Lord, did not proceed to the temple of a proud emperor, but to the tomb of a fisherman, where he could imitate that fisherman in humility, so that he, being thus approached, might then obtain something from the Lord, which a haughty emperor would be quite unable to earn. *** 341:4; English from: ''Newly Discovered Sermons'', 1997, Edmund Hill, tr., John E. Rotelle, ed., New City Press, New York, {{ISBN|1565481038}} {{ISBN|9781565481039}}p. p. 286. * ''Mors est poena peccati.'' ** Death is the penalty of sin. *** 348/A:2 * ''Quid de se praesumit mortuus? Mori potuit de suo, reviviscere de suo non potest. Peccare per nos ipsos et potuimus et possumus nec tamen per nos resurgere aliquando poterimus. Spes nostra non sit, nisi in Deo 14. Ad illum gemamus, in illo praesumamus; quod ad nos pertinet, voluntate conemur, ut oratione mereamur.'' ** Why, being dead, do you rely on yourself? You were able to die of your own accord; you cannot come back to life of your own accord. We were able to sin by ourselves, and we are still able to, nor shall we ever not be able to. Let our hope be in nothing but in God. Let us send up our sighs to him; as for ourselves, let us strive with our wills to earn merit by our prayers. *** 348A:4 ''Against [[w:Pelagius|Pelagius]]''; English translation from: ''Newly Discovered Sermons'', 1997, Edmund Hill, John E. Rotelle, New City Press, New York, {{ISBN|1565481038}}, 9781565481039 pp. 311-312. [http://books.google.com/books?id=0XjYAAAAMAAJ&q=%22Let+us+send+up+our+sighs+to+him,+let+us+rely+on+him%22&dq=%22Let+us+send+up+our+sighs+to+him,+let+us+rely+on+him%22&hl=en&ei=Q75kTajHBoO8lQfW9cTaBg&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=result&resnum=1&ved=0CCcQ6AEwAA] Editor’s comment: “This sounds like a slightly Pelagian remark! But it is presumably intended to reverse what one may call the Pelagian order of things; and see the last few sections of the sermon, 9-15, on the effect of the heresy on prayer.” [http://books.google.com/books?id=0XjYAAAAMAAJ&q=%22This+sounds+like+a+slightly+Pelagian+remark%22&dq=%22This+sounds+like+a+slightly+Pelagian+remark%22&hl=en&ei=9cBkTYenLsKqlAfs56mVBg&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=result&resnum=1&ved=0CCsQ6AEwAA] * ''Dicturi ergo sunt: Dicis mihi quod resurrexerit Christus, et inde speras resurrectionem mortuorum; sed Christo licuit resurgere a mortuis. Et incipit iam laudare Christum, non ut illi det honorem, sed ut tibi faciat desperationem. Serpentis astuta pernicies, ut laude Christi te avertat a Christo, dolose praedicat quem vituperare non audet. Exaggerat maiestatem illius, ut singularem faciat, ne tu speres tale aliquid, quale in illo resurgente monstratum est. Et quasi religiosior apparet erga Christum, cum dicit: Ecce qui se audet comparare Christo, ut quia resurrexit Christus, et se resurrecturum putet. Noli perturbari perversa laude Imperatoris tui; hostiles insidiae te perturbant, sed Christi humilitas et humanitas te consolatur. Ille praedicat quantum erectus sit Christus a te: Christus autem dicit quantum descendit ad te.'' ** So they [the pagans] are going to say, “You tell me that [[Christ]] has risen again, and from that you hope for the resurrection of the dead; but Christ was in a position to rise from the dead.” And now he begins to praise Christ, not in order to do him honor, but to make you despair. It is the deadly cunning of the serpent, to turn you away from Christ by praising Christ, to extol deceitfully the one he doesn’t dare to disparage. <br>'''He exaggerates the sovereign majesty of Christ in order to make him out quite unique''', to stop you hoping for anything like what was demonstrated in his rising again. And he seems, apparently, to be all the more religiously respectful of Christ, when he says, “Look at the person who dares compare himself to Christ, so that just because Christ rose again, he can imagine that he's going to rise again too!” Don't let this perverse praise of your emperor disturb you. The insidious tricks of the enemy may disturb you, but the humility and humanity of Christ should console you. '''This man emphasizes how high above you Christ has been lifted up; Christ, though, says how low he came down to you.''' *** Sermon 361 ''On the Resurrection of the Dead''; 15 ''How to answer their exaggerated praise of Christ and their disparaging of Christians''. ** English translation from: ''Works of Saint Augustine, A Translation for the 21st Century'', III/10, Sermons 341-400 (on liturgical seasons), Edmund Hill, tr., John E. Rotelle, ed., New City Press, 1995, {{ISBN|1565480287}} {{ISBN|9781565480285}}, pp. 234-235. [https://books.google.ca/books?id=iE30Zob4v98C&printsec=frontcover#v=onepage&q=exaggerated&f=false] ===''De doctrina christiana''=== * '''For if a thing is not diminished by being shared with others, it is not rightly owned if it is only owned and not shared.''' ** 1:1:1 [http://ccat.sas.upenn.edu/jod/augustine/ddc1.html English] [http://www.sant-agostino.it/latino/dottrina_cristiana/index2.htm Latin] ** Latin: Omnis enim res quae dando non deficit, dum habetur et non datur, nondum habetur quomodo habenda est. * '''We were ensnared by the [[wisdom]] of the serpent; we are set free by the foolishness of [[God]].''' ** [http://books.google.com/books?id=9dJGZkTAqJsC&q=&quot;we+were+ensnared+by+the+wisdom+of+the+serpent+we+are+set+free+by+the+foolishness+of+god&quot;&pg=PA10#v=onepage 1:14] ** Latin: Serpentis sapientia decepti sumus, Dei stultitia liberamur. * '''Since you cannot do good to all, you are to pay special regard to those who, by the accidents of time, or place, or circumstance, are brought into closer connection with you.''' ** 1:28:29 [http://www.newadvent.org/fathers/12021.htm English] [http://www.augustinus.it/latino/dottrina_cristiana/index2.htm Latin] ** Latin: Sed cum omnibus prodesse non possis, his potissimum consulendum est, qui pro locorum et temporum vel quarumlibet rerum opportunitatibus constrictius tibi quasi quadam sorte iunguntur. ===''Contra epistulam Parmeniani''=== *''Securus iudicat orbis terrarum.'' **The verdict of the [[world]] is conclusive. **III, 24 ===''Contra [[w:Julian of Eclanum|Julianum]]''=== *Now, [[w:Justification (theology)|justification]] in this life is given to us according to these three things: first by the [[w:Baptism|laver of regeneration]] by which all sins are forgiven; then, by a struggle with the faults from whose guilt we have been absolved; the third, when our prayer is heard, in which we say: ‘Forgive us our debts,’ because however bravely we fight against our faults, we are men; but the grace of God so aids as we fight in this corruptible body that there is reason for His hearing us as we ask forgiveness. ** ''Against Julian'', Book II, ch. 8, 22. In ''The Fathers of the Church'', Matthew A. Schumacher, tr., 1957, {{ISBN|0813214009}} {{ISBN|9780813214009 }}pp. 83-84. [http://books.google.com/books?id=lxED1d6DAXoC&pg=PA83&lpg=PA83&dq=%22justification+in+this+life+is+given+to+us+according+to+these+three+things%22&source=bl&ots=K9fP-vBQqj&sig=2yV56Mq2aukLy8iM1FvpSfmULqA&hl=en&ei=8ZuCTdXGC4WO0QGCl-HGCA&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=result&resnum=1&ved=0CBUQ6AEwAA#v=onepage&q=%22justification%20in%20this%20life%20is%20given%20to%20us%20according%20to%20these%20three%20things%22&f=false] ===''Dictionary of Burning Words of Brilliant Writers'' (1895)=== :<small>Quotes reported in Josiah Hotchkiss Gilbert, ''Dictionary of Burning Words of Brilliant Writers'' (1895).</small> * I have read in [[Plato]] and [[Cicero]] sayings that are very wise and very beautiful; but I never read in either of them, "Come unto me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden." ** p. 62 * '''As the [[soul]] is the [[life]] of the body, so [[God]] is the life of the soul.''' As therefore the body perishes when the soul leaves it, so the soul dies when God departs from it. ** p. 277 * [[Christ]] is not valued at all unless He be valued above all. ** p. 395 * It is not by change of place that we can come nearer to Him who is in every place, but by the cultivation of pure desires and virtuous habits. ** p. 433 *Give, O Lord, what Thou commandest, and then command what Thou wilt. ** p. 512 * Thou hast made us for Thyself, and the heart never resteth till it findeth rest in Thee. ** p. 515 * It is no advantage to be near the [[light]] if the eyes are closed. ** p. 607 * '''The true servants of [[God]] are not solicitous that He should order them to do what they desire to do, but that they may desire to do what He orders them to do.''' ** p. 616 ===''On the Mystical Body of Christ''=== [[File:Stemma 777venc.gif|thumb|[[Choose]] to [[love]] whomsoever thou wilt: [[all]] else will follow.]] :<small>From [http://books.google.com/books?id=CIosAAAAIAAJ&q=mersch+%22Whole+Christ%22&dq=mersch+%22Whole+Christ%22&hl=en&ei=w_toTLz5KMX7lweD_p2fBQ&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=result&resnum=1&ved=0CCkQ6AEwAA ''The Whole Christ: The Historical Development of the Doctrine of the Mystical Body in Scripture and Tradition'' (1938, 1962), Fr. Emile Mersch, S. J. translated by, John R. Kelly, S.J], '''Part 3. ''The Doctrine of the Mystical Body in Western Tradition'', Ch. 4, ''Augustine’s Sermons to the People'''''</small> * '''What is the Church? She is the body of [[Christ]].''' Join to it the Head, and you have '''one man''': The Head and the body make up '''one man'''. Who is the head? He who was born of the Virgin Mary. … And what is His body? It is His Spouse, that is, the Church.... '''The Father willed that these two, the God Christ and the Church, should be one man.''' All men are one man in Christ, and the unity of the Christians constitutes but one man. And this man is all men, all men are this man; for all are one, since Christ is one. ** p. 414 *Let us rejoice and give thanks. Not only are we become Christians, but we are become Christ. My brothers, do you understand the grace of God that is given us? Wonder, rejoice, for we are made Christ! If He is the Head, and we the members, '''then together He and we are the whole man'''.... This would be foolish pride on our part, were it not a gift of his bounty. But this is what He promised by the mouth of the Apostle: “You are the body of Christ, and severally His members” (1 Cor. 12:27). **p. 415 *In order to understand the Scriptures, '''it is absolutely necessary to know the whole, complete Christ,''' that is, Head and members. '''For sometimes Christ speaks in the name of the Head alone … sometimes in the name of His body''', which is the holy Church spread over the entire earth. And we are in His body … and we hear ourselves speaking in it, for the Apostle tells us: “We are members of His body” (Eph. 5:30). In many places does the Apostle tell us this. ** p. 419 *Christ Himself has said: “They are no longer two, but they are one flesh” (Matt. 19:6). Is it strange then, if they are one flesh, that they should have one tongue and should say the same words, since they are one flesh, Head and body? Let us therefore hear them as one. But let us listen to the Head speaking as Head, and to the body speaking as the body. We do not separate the two realities, but two different dignities; for the Head saves, and the body is saved. ** pp. 419-420 *'''What has the Church done to thee, that thou shouldst wish to decapitate her?''' Thou wouldst take away her Head, and believe in the Head alone, despising the body. Vain is thy service, and false thy devotion to the Head. For to sever it from the body is an injury to both Head and body. ** p.420 *Though absent from our eyes, Christ our Head is bound to us by love. Since the whole Christ is Head and body, let us so listen to the voice of the Head that we may also hear the body speak.<br>'''He no more wished to speak alone than He wished to exist alone, since He says: “Behold, I am with you all days, unto the consummation of the world” (Matt. 28:20)'''. If He is with us, then He speaks in us, He speaks of us, and He speaks through us; and we too speak in Him. ** pp. 420-421 *He who disdained not to assume us unto Himself, did not disdain to take our place and speak our words, in order that we might speak His words. ** p.421 *On the words of Ps. 21:3: "O My God, I shall cry day by day, and Thou wilt not hear". *Certainly '''He says this for me, for thee, for this other man,''' since He bears His body, the Church. Unless you imagine, brethren, that when He said: “My Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass away from Me” (Matt. 26:39), it was the Lord that feared to die. . . . But Paul longed to die, that he might be with Christ. What? The Apostle desires to die, and Christ Himself should fear death? What can this mean, except that He bore our infirmity in Himself, and uttered these words for those who are in His body and still fear death? It is from these that the voice came; '''it was the voice of His members, not of the Head.''' When He said, “My soul is sorrowful unto death” (Matt. 26:38), He manifested Himself in thee, and thee in Himself. And when He said, “My God, my God, why has Thou forsaken Me?” (Matt. 27:46), '''the words He uttered on the cross were not His own, but ours'''. ** p.421 *Therefore, on hearing His words let no one say either: "These are not Christ's words," or "These are not my words." On the contrary, if he knows that he is in the body of Christ, let him say: '''"These are both Christ's words and my words."''' Say nothing without Him, and He will say nothing without thee. We must not consider ourselves as strangers to Christ, '''or look upon ourselves as other than Himself.''' ** p.422 *'''No greater gift could God bestow on men than to give them as their Head His Word''', by whom He made all things, and to unite them as members to that Head. Thus the Word became both Son of God and Son of man: one God with the Father, one Man with men. Hence, when we offer our petitions to God, let it not detach itself from its Head. Let it be He, the sole Saviour of His body, our Lord Jesus Christ, the Son of God, '''who prays for us, who prays in us, and who is prayed to by us'''. He prays for us as our Priest; He prays in us as our Head; He is prayed to by us as our God. Let us therefore hear both our words in Him and His words in us.... We pray to Him in the form of God; He prays in the form of the slave. There He is the Creator; here He is in the creature. He changes not, but takes the creature and transforms it into Himself, making us one man, head and body, with Himself.<br>We pray therefore to Him, and through Him, and in Him. We pray with Him, and He with us; we recite this prayer of the Psalm in Him, and He recites it in us. ** p.423 *On Ps 60:3: “To Thee have I cried from the ends of the earth.” *Who is this that cries from the ends of the earth? Who is this one man who reaches to the extremities of the universe? He is one, but that one is unity. He is one, not one in a single place, but the cry of this one man comes from the remotest ends of the earth. But how can this one man cry out from the ends of the earth, unless he be one in all? ** p.423 *Christ’s whole body groans in pain. '''Until the end of the world, when pain will pass away, this man groans and cries to God'''. And each one of us has part in the cry of that whole body. Thou didst cry out in thy day, and thy days have passed away; another took thy place and cried out in his day. Thou here, he there, and another there. The body of Christ ceases not to cry out all the day, one member replacing the other whose voice is hushed. Thus there is but one man who reaches unto the end of time, and those that cry are always His members. ** p.423 *The Apostle says: “I make up in my flesh what is lacking to the sufferings of Christ” (Col. 1:24). “I make up,” he tells us, “not what is lacking to my sufferings, but what is lacking to the sufferings of Christ; not in Christ’s flesh, but in mine. not in Christ's flesh, but in mine. '''Christ is still suffering,''' not in His own flesh which He took with Him into heaven, '''but in my flesh, which is still suffering on earth.”''' ** p.423 *What does the Scripture mean when it tells us of the body of one man so extended in space that all can kill him? We must understand these words of ourselves, of our Church, or the body of Christ. '''For Jesus Christ is one man, having a Head and a body'''. The Saviour of the body and the members of the body are '''two in one flesh, and in one voice, and in one passion,''' and, when iniquity shall have passed away, '''in one repose'''. <br>'''And so the passion of Christ is not in Christ alone; and yet the passion of Christ is in Christ alone.''' For if in Christ you consider '''both the Head and the body''', the Christ’s passion is in Christ alone; '''but if by Christ you mean only the Head, then Christ’s passion is not in Christ alone.''' Hence if you are in the members of Christ, all you who hear me, and even you who hear me not (though you do hear, if you are united with the members of Christ), whatever you suffer at the hands of those who are no among the members of Christ, '''was lacking to the sufferings of Christ'''. It is added precisely because it was lacking. You fill up the measure; you do not cause it to overflow. '''You will suffer just so much as must be added of your sufferings to the complete passion of Christ, who suffered as our Head and who continues to suffer in His members''', that is, in us. Into this common treasury each pays what he owes, and according to each one’s ability we all contribute our share of suffering. '''The full measure of the Passion will not be attained until the end of the world.''' ** pp. 424-425 *When the Head and members are despised, then the whole Christ is despised, for the whole Christ, '''Head and body,''' is that just man against whom deceitful lips speak iniquity (Ps. 30:19). ** p.425 *O sons of Peace, sons of the One Catholic [Church], walk in your way, and sing as you walk. Travelers do this in order to keep up their spirits. ** p.427 *"For I am holy." When I hear these words I recognize the voice of the Saviour. But shall I take away my own? Certainly when He speaks thus He speaks in inseparable union with His body. But can I say, "I am holy"? If I mean a holiness that I have not received, I should be proud and a liar; but if I mean a holiness that I have received - as it is written: "Be ye holy because I the Lord your God am holy" (Lev. 19:2) - then let the body of Christ say these words. And let this one man, who cries from the ends of the earth, say with his Head and united with his Head: "I am holy." … That is not foolish pride, but an expression of gratitude. If you were to say that you are holy of yourselves, that would be pride; but if, as one of Christ's faithful and as a member of Christ, you say that you are not holy, you are ungrateful. … ** p.428 *Therefore let every Christian, yea, let the whole body of Christ everywhere cry out, '''despite the tribulations it endures, despite temptations and countless scandals,''' saying: "Preserve my soul, for I am holy; save Thy servant, O my God, that trusteth in thee" (Ps. 85:2) No, this holy one is not proud, for he trusts in God. ** p.429 *The members of Christ, many though they be, are bound to one another by the ties of charity and peace under the one Head, who is our Saviour Himself, and form one man. Often their voice is heard in the Psalms '''as the voice of one man'''; the cry of one is as the cry of all, for all are one in One. ** p.430 *The Word takes to Himself one man, for He takes unity. He does not take schisms to Himself, nor does He take heresies. … So it is one man who is taken, and his Head is Christ. … This is that "blessed man who hath not walked in the council of the ungodly" (Ps. 1:1); this is he that is assumed. He is not outside of us. … Let us be in Him, and we shall be assumed; let us be in Him, and we shall be chosen. … Therefore this one man that is taken to become the temple of God, is at once many and one. ** p.430 *Since He is the Mediator of God and men, the man Christ Jesus has been made Head of the Church, and the faithful are His members. Wherefore He says: "For them I hallow Myself" (John 17:19). But when He says, "For them I hallow Myself," what else can He mean but this: "I sanctify them in Myself, '''since truly they are Myself"?''' For, as I have remarked, they of whom He speaks are His members, and the Head of the body are one Christ. … That He signifies this unity is certain from the remainder of the same verse. For having said, "For them I hallow Myself," He immediately adds, "in order that they too may be hallowed in truth," to show that He refers to the holiness that we are to receive in Him. Now the words "in truth" can only mean "in Me," since Truth is the Word who in the beginning was God. <br>The Son of man was Himself sanctified in the Word as the moment of His creation, when the Word was made flesh, for Word and man became one Person. It was therefore in that instant that He hallowed Himself in Himself; that is, He hallowed Himself as man, in Himself as the Word. For there is but one Christ, Word and man, sanctifying the man in the Word. <br>But now it is on behalf of His members that He adds: "and for them I hallow Myself." That is to say, that '''since they too are Myself''', so they too may profit by this sanctification just as I profited by it as man without them. "And for them I hallow Myself"; that is, I sanctify them in Myself as Myself, '''since in Me they too are Myself.''' "In order that they too may be hallowed in truth." What do the words "they too" mean, if not that thy may be sanctified as I am sanctified; that is to say, "in truth," which is I Myself? [''Quia et ipsi sunt ego''. "Since they too are myself"] ** pp. 431-432 *'''We are He''', since we are His body and since He was made man in order to be our Head. ** p.432 *We are members of this Head, '''and this body cannot be decapitated'''. If the Head is in glory forever, so too are the members in glory forever, that Christ may be undivided forever. ** p.433 *In this one man, the whole Church has been assumed by the Word. ** p.434 *Incomprehensible and immutable is the love wherewith God loves. He did not begin to love us only on the day we were reconciled to Him by the blood of His Son; He loved us before the world was made, that we too might become His sons together with His Only-begotten Son, long before we had any existence.... ** p.435 *'''[[Love]] all men, even your enemies; love them, not because they are your brothers, but that they may become your brothers. Thus you will ever burn with fraternal love, both for him who is already your brother and for your enemy, that he may by loving become your brother. … Even he that does not as yet believe in Christ … love him, and love him with fraternal love. He is not yet thy brother, but love him precisely that he may be thy brother.''' ** p.436 *'''What is the use of believing, if the dost blaspheme?''' Thou adorest Him as Head, and dost '''blaspheme Him in His body'''. He loves His body. Thou canst cut thyself off from the body, but the Head does not detach itself from its body. '''"Thou dost honor me in vain,"''' He cries from heaven, '''"thou dost honor Me in vain!"''' If someone wished to kiss thy cheek, but insisted at the same time on trampling thy feet; if with his hailed boots he were to crush thy feet as he tries to hold thy head and kiss thee, wouldst thou not interrupt his expression of respect and cry out: "What are thou doing, man? Thou art trampling upon me!" … <br>It is for this reason that before He ascended into heaven our Lord Jesus Christ recommended to us His body, by which He was to remain upon earth. '''For He foresaw that many would pay Him homage because of His glory in heaven, but that their homage would be vain, so long as they despise His members on earth'''. (pp. 436-437)[http://books.google.com/books?id=CIosAAAAIAAJ&q=%22their+homage+would+be+vain,+so+long+as+they+despise+His+members+on+earth%22&dq=%22their+homage+would+be+vain,+so+long+as+they+despise+His+members+on+earth%22&hl=en&sa=X&ei=3AIXUd70C4mi8QTi2IC4Cg&ved=0CC0Q6AEwAA] * '''Choose to love whomsoever thou wilt: all else will follow.''' Thou mayest say, "I love only God, God the Father." Wrong! If Thou lovest Him, thou dost not love Him alone; but if thou lovest the Father, thou lovest also the Son. Or thou mayest say, "I love the Father and I love the Son, but these alone; God the Father and God the Son, our Lord Jesus Christ who ascended into heaven and sitteth at the right hand of the Father, the Word by whom all things were made, the Word who was made flesh and dwelt amongst us; only these do I love." Wrong again! '''If thou lovest the Head, thou lovest also the members; if thou lovest not the members, neither dost thou love the Head'''. ** p 438 ===''Contra epistolam Manichaei''=== * '''Ego vero Evangelio non crederem, nisi me catholicae Ecclesiae commoveret auctoritas.''' (chapter 5)[https://www.augustinus.it/latino/contro_lettera_mani/index.htm] ** Nicene Post-Nicene Fathers translation: "I should not believe the gospel except as moved by the authority of the Catholic Church." [https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/Nicene_and_Post-Nicene_Fathers:_Series_I/Volume_IV/Manichaean_Controversy/Against_the_Epistle_of_Manichaeus/Chapter_5] ** Alternate translation: "But I would not believe in the Gospel, had not the authority of the Catholic Church already moved me." {{Disputed begin}} == Disputed == [[File:Augustinus 2.jpg|thumb|right|To [[wisdom]] belongs the intellectual apprehension of things [[eternal]]; to [[knowledge]], the rational apprehension of things temporal.]] * ''Humilitas homines sanctis angelis similes facit, et superbia ex angelis demones facit.'' ** '''It was pride that changed [[angels]] into [[devils]]; it is [[humility]] that makes [[men]] as angels.''' *** As quoted in ''Manipulus Florum'' (''c.'' 1306), edited by [[w:Thomas of Ireland|Thomas Hibernicus]], Superbia i cum uariis; also in ''Best Thoughts Of Best Thinkers: Amplified, Classified, Exemplified and Arranged as a Key to unlock the Literature of All Ages'' (1904) edited by Hialmer Day Gould and Edward Louis Hessenmueller<!-- it has been suggested by the person who posted this that his may be Augustine quoting [[Ambrose]], Bishop of Milan — but I find no reference for such suggestions. ~ Kalki 2010·03·13 04:29 --> * My mother spoke of [[Christ]] to my father, by her feminine and childlike virtues, and, after having borne his violence without a murmur or complaint, gained him at the close of his life to Christ. ** Reported in Josiah Hotchkiss Gilbert, ''Dictionary of Burning Words of Brilliant Writers'' (1895), p. 351 * '''[[Charity]] is no substitute for [[justice]] withheld.''' ** As quoted in ''Majority of One'' (1957) by Sydney J. Harris, p. 283 * '''What does [[love]] look like? It has the [[hands]] to [[help]] others. It has the feet to hasten to the [[poor]] and needy. It has [[eyes]] to see misery and want. It has the ears to hear the sighs and [[sorrows]] of men. That is what love looks like.''' ** As quoted in ''Quote, Unquote'' (1977) by Lloyd Cory, p. 197 * '''[[Hope]] has two beautiful daughters. Their names are [[anger]] and [[courage]]; anger at the way things are, and courage to see that they do not remain the way they are.''' ** As quoted in ''Spirituality and Liberation: Overcoming the Great Fallacy'' (1988) by Robert McAfee Brown, p. 136 * '''To [[wisdom]] belongs the intellectual apprehension of things eternal; to [[knowledge]], the rational apprehension of things temporal.''' ** As quoted in ''The Anchor Book of Latin Quotations: with English translations‎'' (1990) by Norbert Guterman, p. 375 * '''By [[Faith|faithfulness]] we are collected and wound up into [[unity]] within ourselves, whereas we had been scattered abroad in multiplicity.''' ** As quoted in ''Footprints in Time : Fulfilling God's Destiny for Your Life'' (2007) by Jeff O'Leary, p. 223 *[[Woman]], compared to other creatures, is the image of God, for she bears dominion over them. But compared unto man, she may not be called the image of God, for she bears not rule and lordship over man, but ought to obey him. The woman shall be subject to man as unto Christ. For woman, has not her example from the body and from the flesh, that so she shall be subject to man, as the flesh is unto the Spirit, because that the flesh in the weakness and mortality of this life lusts and strives against the Spirit, and therefore would not the Holy Ghost give example of subjection to the woman of any such thing. ** As quoted by [[John Knox]] [http://www.swrb.com/newslett/actualNLs/firblast.htm ''The First Blast to Awaken Women Degenerate'' ] (1558) * The female defects – greed, hate, and delusion and other defilements – are greater than the male’s…You [women] should have such an intention…Because I wish to be freed from the impurities of the woman’s body, I will acquire the beautiful and fresh body of a man. ** [[Saint Augustine]] as quoted by Dr Bettany Hughes [http://www.telegraph.co.uk/women/womens-life/11785181/Feminism-started-with-the-Buddha-and-Confucius-25-centuries-ago.html Telegraph] * '''Do not despair: one thief was saved. Do not presume: one thief was damned.''' ** Attributed to St. Augustine in [http://www.oxford-shakespeare.com/Greene/Repentance_Robert_Greene.pdf ''The Repentance of Robert Greene, Master of Arts''] (1592) by [[Robert Greene (dramatist)|Robert Greene]]. * '''Without [[God]], we cannot. Without us, God will not.''' ** As quoted in ''If God Be For Us : Sermons on the Gifts of the Gospel'' (1954), by Robert Edward Luccock, p. 38; this may be a variant translation or paraphrase of an expression in his 169th sermon: "He who created you without you will not justify you without you." * '''If you believe what you like in the gospels, and reject what you don't like, it is not the gospel you believe, but yourself.''' ** Earliest attribution found in ''[https://books.google.nl/books?id=7mn8AwAAQBAJ&pg=PT63 Who Said That?: More than 2,500 Usable Quotes and Illustrations]'' (1995) by George Sweeting. Online sources always attribute the quote to Augustine, but never specify in which of his works it is to be found. * '''To my God a heart of flame; To my fellow man a heart of love; To myself a heart of steel.''' ** Attributed to Augustine by many sources on line, but without an actual reference. {{Disputed end}} {{Misattributed begin}} ==Misattributed== * ''Quando hic sum, non iuieno Sabbato; quando Romae sum, iuieno Sabbato.'' ** When I am here, I do not fast on Saturday; when at Rome, I do fast on Saturday. *** Here, in ''Letter 36 "To Casulanus" (396 A.D.)'', Augustine is quoting [[w:Ambrose|Ambrose]]. *** Origin of the phrase: "When in Rome, do as the Romans do." * ''[[w:In necessariis unitas, in dubiis libertas, in omnibus caritas|In necessariis unitas, In dubiis libertas, In omnibus autem caritas.]]'' ** In [[Necessity|necessary]] things, [[unity]]; in [[Doubt|doubtful]] things, [[liberty]]; in all things, [[charity]] ([[love]]). *** The first known occurrence of such an expression is as "''Omnesque mutuam amplecteremur unitatem in necessariis, in non necessariis libertatem, in omnibus caritatem''" in ''De Republica Ecclesiastica'' by [[w:Marco Antonio de Dominis|Marco Antonio de Dominis]], Pars I. London (1617), lib. 4 cap. 8 [http://books.google.de/books?id=QcVFAAAAcAAJ&pg=PA676 p. 676 (penultimate sentence) books.google], cf. [http://liberlocorumcommunium.blogspot.com/2010/03/in-necessariis-unitas-in-non.html liberlocorumcommunium]. * ''Qui cantat, bis orat'' ** He who sings prays twice. ** Not found in his writings. In his "Expositions on the Psalms" for psalm 72, he wrote, "Qui enim cantat laudem, non solum laudat, sed etiam hilariter laudat; qui cantat laudem, non solum cantat, sed et amat eum quem cantat." An English translation would be "For he who sings praise, does not only praise, but also praises joyously; he who sings praise, is not only singing, but also loving Him whom he is singing of." ** The earliest occurrence on Google Books of "Qui cantat, orat bis" is on page 4 of the 1554 book ''[https://books.google.com/books?id=5k-v3J8pmFAC&pg=RA1-PA4-IA1#v=onepage&q=qui%20cantat%20orat%20bis&f=false Cantiones Evangelicae: Ad Usitatas Harmonias...]'' by Wenzel Nicolaides. * ''Inter faeces et urinas nascimur.'' ** We are born between feces and urine. ***Attributed to a church father in Freud's ''Dora''; Freud seems to have found it in an anatomy textbook by Josef Hyrtl (1867), where it was attributed to a church father; it may have been invented by Hyrtl. [[http://books.google.com/books?id=yw3tglAWxNAC&pg=RA1-PR72&lpg=RA1-PR72&dq=%22inter+urinas+et+faeces+nascimur%22+hyrtl&source=bl&ots=2sjrc-dGEs&sig=MDvt7D74M5JPozL1HKnN1FEmxbY&hl=en&sa=X&ei=vHJtUuneKJjb4APXq4CIAQ&ved=0CCkQ6AEwAA#v=onepage&q=%22inter%20urinas%20et%20faeces%20nascimur%22%20hyrtl&f=false]] For Hyrtl's quotation see [[http://books.google.com/books?id=qrEaAAAAYAAJ&pg=PA820&dq=nascimur+inauthor:Hyrtl&hl=en&sa=X&ei=z3RtUru2LMzKkAfnm4DoAQ&ved=0CC8Q6AEwAA#v=onepage&q=nascimur%20inauthor%3AHyrtl&f=false]]. ***An early similar phrase appears in a work by the 16th century philosopher Mark Antony Zimara: ''Quippe si se inter stercus & urinam conceptum fuisse reminisceretur [...] non utique superbiret.'' ("Since, if [man] remembered that he was conceived between dung and urine, [...] he obviously would not feel pride.") (Source: [https://books.google.pl/books?id=5bY7AAAAcAAJ&pg=PA154#v=onepage&q&f=false Problemata Aristotelis ac philosophorum medicorumque complurium, Lyon 1557, p. 154]) ** Variant: We are born amid feces and urine. * The world is a great book, of which they that never stir from home read only a page. ** Attributed to Augustine in [http://www.archive.org/details/selectproverbsa00wadegoog "Select Proverbs of All Nations" (1824) by "Thomas Fielding" (John Wade), p. 216], and later in the form "The World is a book, and those who do not travel read only a page", as quoted in ''20,000 Quips & Quotes'' (1995) by Evan Esar, p. 822; this has not been located in Augustine's writings, and may be a variant translation of an expression found in ''[[wikisource:fr:Le Cosmopolite, ou Le Citoyen du monde|Le Cosmopolite]]'' (1753) by Fougeret de Monbron: "The universe is a sort of book, whose first page one has read when one has seen only one's own country." <!-- This is a portion of an epigraph to ''Childe Harold's Pilgrimage'' by [[Lord Byron]] which reads in full: "The universe is a sort of book, whose first page one has read when one has seen only one's own country. I have leafed through a great many that I have found equally bad. This inquiry has not been at all unfruitful. I hated my country. All the oddities of the different people among whom I have lived have reconciled me to it. Should I gain no other benefit from my travels than this, I will have regretted neither the pains nor the fatigues." --> * There is no saint without a past, no sinner without a future. ** This is sometimes attributed to Augustine, but the earliest known occurrence is in ''Persian Rosary'' (c. 1929) by [[w:Ahmad Sohrab|Ahmad Sohrab]] <small>[http://magshare.net/narchive/NArchive/Misc/Raw_Data/A_Persian_Rosary_by_Mirza_Ahmad_Sohrab.pdf (PDF)]</small>, which probably originates as a paraphrase of a statement in [[Oscar Wilde#A Woman of No Importance (1893)|Oscar Wilde]]'s 1893 play ''A Woman of No Importance'': "The only difference between the saint and the sinner is that every saint has a past and every sinner has a future." * Our bodies are shaped to bear children, and our lives are a working out of the processes of creation. All our ambitions and intelligence are beside that great elemental point. ** Sometimes attributed to Augustine, but is from [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Phyllis_McGinley Phyllis McGinley], ''The Province of the Heart'', "The Honor of Being a Woman" (1959). * The truth is like a lion. You don’t have to defend it. Let it loose and it will defend itself. ** Not found in Augustine's works, it is stated in [https://fauxtations.wordpress.com/2015/10/18/st-augustine-the-truth-is-like-a-lion/ ''Fauxtations: Because sometimes the Internet is wrong'' : St. Augustine: The Truth is Like a Lion (18 October 2015)], that this is very likely a summary derived from statements of [[Charles Haddon Spurgeon]] about the "Word of God" or "the pure gospel", and the [[Bible]]: ::: '''The Word of God can take care of itself, and will do so if we preach it, and cease defending it. See you that lion.''' They have caged him for his preservation; shut him up behind iron bars to secure him from his foes! See how a band of armed men have gathered together to protect the lion. What a clatter they make with their swords and spears! These mighty men are intent upon defending a lion. O fools, and slow of heart! Open that door! Let the lord of the forest come forth free. Who will dare to encounter him? What does he want with your guardian care? '''Let the pure gospel go forth in all its lion-like majesty, and it will soon clear its own way and ease itself of its adversaries.''' :::* ''The Lover of God’s Law Filled with Peace'' (January 1888) :: and the earlier: ::: There seems to me to have been twice as much done in some ages in defending the Bible as in expounding it, but if the whole of our strength shall henceforth go to the exposition and spreading of it, we may leave it pretty much to defend itself. I do not know whether you see that lion — it is very distinctly before my eyes; a number of persons advance to attack him, while a host of us would defend the grand old monarch, the British Lion, with all our strength. Many suggestions are made and much advice is offered. This weapon is recommended, and the other. Pardon me if I offer a quiet suggestion. '''Open the door and let the lion out; he will take care of himself.''' Why, they are gone! He no sooner goes forth in his strength than his assailants flee. The way to meet infidelity is to spread the Bible. The answer to every objection against the Bible is the Bible. :::* Speech at the Annual Meeting of the British and Foreign Bible Society [https://books.google.com/books?id=j_0CAAAAQAAJ&pg=PA17&lpg=PA17#v=onepage&q&f=false "The Bible" (5 May 1875), in ''Speeches by C. H. Spurgeon at Home and Abroad'' (1878) edited by G.H. Pike] * All truth is God's truth. ** Paraphrase of "Wherever one discovers truth, it is the Lord's" from Augustine's ''On Christian Teaching'', Book 2. * I know, but it is no longer I. ** Supposedly spoken by Augustine to his former concubine when she greeted him in the street, and when he ignored her said "Augustine, it is I!" Actually the quote (''Sed ego non sum ego'') is from [https://www.documentacatholicaomnia.eu/02m/0339-0397,_Ambrosius,_De_Poenitentia_Libri_Duo,_MLT.pdf ''De Poenitentia'', Book II], Chapter 10 by Ambrose. Ambrose relates it as a fable, not concerning Augustine, as explained [https://truthchallenge.one/blog/2014/11/17/did-st-augustine-say-this-to-a-prostitute/ here]. {{Misattributed end}} == Quotes about Augustine == [[File:Władysław Wankie Святой Августин.jpg|thumb|They saw a little [[child]], who, having dug a tiny hole in the sand, was filling it with sea-water out of a cockle-shell. Augustine, smiling, asked him whether he thought to empty the whole [[ocean]] into it? The child replied, "Why not? It would be easier than to get into your head the incomprehensible ocean of the Holy Trinity!"]] :<small>Sorted alphabetically by author or source</small> [[File:0410 - Pavia - S. Pietro in Ciel d'Oro - Arca S. Agostino (1362) - Foto Giovanni Dall'Orto, 17-Oct-2009A.jpg|thumb|The first thinker who brought into prominence and undertook an analysis of the [[philosophical]] and [[psychological]] concepts of person and [[personality]]. ~ Paul Henry]] [[File:0408 - Pavia - S. Pietro in Ciel d'Oro - Arca S. Agostino (1362) - Foto Giovanni Dall'Orto, 17-Oct-2009.jpg|thumb|He was a [[genius]] — an intellectual giant — and he received a thorough classical education. ~ [[:w:Norman Cantor|Norman Cantor]] ]] [[File:Lombardia Pavia1 tango7174.jpg|thumb|No one, it seems to me, can [[hope]] to equal Augustine. Who, nowadays, could hope to equal one who, in my [[judgment]], was the [[greatest]] in an age fertile in great [[minds]]? ~ [[Petrarch]] ]] * Many centuries ago, Saint Augustine, a saint of my church, wrote that a people was a multitude defined by the common objects of their [[love]]—defined by the common objects of their love. What are the common objects we as [[Americans]] love? That define us as Americans? I think we know: [[opportunity]], [[security]], [[liberty]], [[dignity]], [[respect]], [[honor]], and yes, the [[truth]]. ** [[Joe Biden]], [https://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/documents/inaugural-address-53 Inaugural Address], (20 January 2021) *'''St. Augustine occupied himself with several religious works, and among others, a ''[[w:On the Trinity|Treatise on the Trinity]]''.''' One day, as he was walking up and down the shore, meditating on this [[mystery]] with his mother, they saw a little child, who, having dug a tiny hole in the sand, was filling it with sea-water out of a cockle-shell. '''Augustine, smiling, asked him whether he thought to empty the whole [[ocean]] into it?''' The child replied, "Why not? It would be easier than to get into your head the incomprehensible ocean of the Holy Trinity!" ** [[w:Louis-Victor-Emile Bougaud|Louis-Victor-Emile Bougaud]], presenting a traditional anecdote in ''Histoire de sainte Monique'' (1866), as translated in ''The Mother of Saint Augustine'' (1869) by [[w:Elizabeth Herbert, Baroness Herbert of Lea|Lady Herbert of Lea]] * Monica his mother was almost certainly a Berber and his father was probably a mixture of Berber and Roman ancestry. ** [[:w:Donald Burt|Donald Burt]], in [http://www.villanova.edu/mission/spirituality/about/ Augustine's World: An Introduction to His Speculative Philosophy] by [[:w:Donald Burt|Donald Burt]], member of the [[:w:Augustinians|Augustinian Order]], [[:w:Villanova University|Villanova University]] * '''A Berber, born in 354 at Thagaste (now Souk-Ahras) in Africa... The exceptional brilliance of his works (''[[w:City of God (book)|The City of God]]'', ''[[w:Confessions (St. Augustine)|The Confessions]]''), his contradictory nature, his desire to bring together faith and intelligence, classical and Christian civilization, the old wine and the new — these deliberate efforts made him in some ways a rationalist.''' For him, faith came first: but he nevertheless declared 'Credo ut intelligam' — 'I believe in order to understand.' He also said 'Si fallor, sum' — 'If I am mistaken, I exist' — and 'Si dubitat, vivit' — 'If he doubts, he is alive'... '''Posterity undoubtedly concentrated its attention on St Augustine as a theologian, and on what he wrote about predestination. But Augustinianism gave Western Christianity some of its colour and its ability to adapt and debate — if only by insisting on the vital need to embrace the faith in full awareness, after deep personnal reflection, and with the will to act accordingly.''' ** [[:w:Fernand Braudel|Fernand Braudel]], ''A History of Civilizations'' (1963), Penguin Books (1995 edition), p. 335 * '''Of all the fathers of the church, St. Augustine was the most admired and the most influential during the Middle Ages.''' He was well suited by background and experience to conduct a fundamental examination of the relationship of the Christian experience to classical culture. Augustine was an outsider — a native North African whose family was not Roman but Berber (today regarded as "Arabs"). … Not born to the imperial power elite, he could disassociate himself from the empire and its destiny.<br>Augustine was enormously learned. '''He was a [[genius]] — an intellectual giant — and he received a thorough classical education. He was not much of a linguist (his Greek was poor, and he never learned Hebrew) but he was a master of Latin rhetoric; certain passages in ''The City of God'' equal the writings of [[Cicero]] in complexity and eloquence.''' ** [[w:Norman Cantor|Norman Cantor]], ''The Civilization of the Middle Ages'' (1993), p. 74 * His considered answer to what God was doing before creating the universe was "the world was made with time and not in time." Augustine's God is a being who transcends time, a being located outside time altogether and responsible for creating time as well as space and matter. Thus Augustine skillfully avoided the problem of why the creation happened at that moment rather than some earlier moment. ''There were no earlier moments.'' Identical reasoning applies to the scientific problem. If the universe originated in time, then it cannot have been caused by any physical process that has a finite probability, because if it did, then the event would already have happened, an infinite time ago. ...He wasn't even the first person to hit on the idea of time coming into being with the universe. [[Plato]] said much the same thing hundreds of years earlier. The history of philosophy is so rich and diverse that it would be astonishing if theories emerging from science hadn't been foreshadowed in some vague way by somebody. ** [[w:Paul Davies|Paul Davies]], ''Cosmic Jackpot: Why Our Universe is Just Right for Life'' (2007) * He was himself a true African. Indeed, we may say he was an African first and a Roman afterwards, since, in spite his genuine loyalty towards the Empire, he shows none of the specifically Roman patriotism which marks [[Ambrose]] or [[Prudentius]]. ** [[:w:Christopher Dawson|Christopher Dawson]], ''Enquiries into Religion and Culture (1933)'', CUA Press edition, 2009 , p. 109 * In the history of thought and civilization, Saint Augustine appears to me to be '''the first thinker who brought into prominence and undertook an analysis of the philosophical and psychological concepts of person and personality'''. These ideas, so vital to contemporary man, shape not only Augustine's own doctrine on God but also his philosophy of man: man as an individual, man as a member of societies and institutions — the family, the city, the state and the church. ** Paul Henry, S.J., in ''Saint Augustine on Personality: The Saint Augustine Lecture'' (1960), p. 1 * The paper emphasizes that ideas about masturbation are crucial to understanding any societal attitudes toward sex. It examines attitudes to masturbation in ancient Egypt, Tigris Euphrates Valley, India, and China. It looks at Biblical views and their misinterpretations and at the Greek and Roman descriptions of masturbatory practices. Key to the development of western attitudes was the Augustinian version of sex which was influenced by Augustine's personal background in Manichaeanism, a religion which was based on ancient Persian beliefs. The Augustinian view of all non-procreative sex as a sin was carried over into medicine in the eighteenth century which changed sins into pathologies. ** Harriet Hogarth & Roger Ingham, [https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/00224490902878993?src=recsys “Masturbation Among Young Women and Associations with Sexual Health: An Exploratory Study”], ''The Journal of Sex Research'' Volume 46, 2009 - Issue 6 pp. 558-567. * The greatest influence during the dark ages was Augustine, who was influenced by Plotinus, who was influenced by Indian mysticism. Long before Aldous Huxley found Yoga a remedy for our Brave New World, Schopenhauer called the Upanishads the consolation of his life. ** [[Arthur Koestler]]. source: The Indian Encyclopaedia, Subodh Kapoor. Quoted from Gewali, Salil (2013). Great Minds on India. New Delhi: Penguin Random House. * Augustine, the North African of Berber descent, is today the spiritual father of multitudes who are remote indeed from him racially, politically, and culturally. ** [[:w:John H. Leith|John H. Leith]], ''From Generation to Generation: The Renewal of the Church According to Its Own Theology and Practice'', Westminster John Knox Press, 1990, p. 24 * '''He used to say, half in [[jest]], that his great ambition was to complete St. Augustine's ''Confessions'', but that St. Augustine, like a great artist, had worked from multiplicity to [[unity]], while he, like a small one, had to reverse the method and work back from unity to multiplicity.''' ** [[Henry Adams]] about himself, writing under the name of his friend [[Henry Cabot Lodge]], in the [http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/etext00/eduha10h.htm Editor's Preface to the 1918 edition of ''The Education of Henry Adams'' (September 1918)] * '''As a Theologian, I learned from my master, St. Augustine, a Berber, that all nations are [[necessarily]] a mixture, which it is not impossible for us to disentangle, of the City of Good and the City of Evil.''' ** [[:w:Henri-Irénée Marrou|Henri-Irénée Marrou]], ''Christianity and Crisis'', Christianity and Crisis, 1967, p. 93 * There was a Christian redaction of the historical vision of reality, associated especially with the thought of St. Augustine of Hippo. ** [[William Hardy McNeill]], [http://libx.bsu.edu/cdm4/document.php?CISOROOT=/ConspectusH&CISOPTR=1377&REC=1 "Discrepancies among the Social Sciences"] ''Conspectus of History'' v.1, no.7, pp.35-45 * '''Augustine distinctly rejected [[w:Special_Creation|Special Creation]] in favor of a doctrine which, without any violence to language, we may call a theory of Evolution.''' ** [[w:Aubrey_Moore|Aubrey Moore]], [http://books.google.com/books?id=BBEVWK5LaKQC& ''Science and Faith''] (1893) * Augustine in his anti-Pelagian work, Marriage and Concupiscence, analyzed abortion with his usual attention to psychology. Using terms that seem to anticipate modern analyses of sadism, he described it as the work of minds characterized by "lustful cruelty" or "cruel lust." Speaking of the married who avoided offspring, he declared, <br> Sometimes [Aliquando] this lustful cruelty or cruel lust comes to this that they even procure poisons of sterility, and if these do not work, they extinguish and destroy the fetus in some way in the womb, preferring that their offspring die before it lives, or if it was already alive in the womb, to kill it before it was born. Assuredly if both husband and wife are like this, they are not married, and if they were like this from the beginning, they come together not joined in matrimony but seduction. If both are not like this, I dare to say that either the wife is in a fashion the harlot of her husband, or he is an adulter with his own wife. ** John T. Noonan Jr., [https://scholarship.law.nd.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1125&context=nd_naturallaw_forum “Abortion and the Catholic Church: A Summary History”, 1-1-1967, ‘’Natural Law Forum’’. Paper 126, pp. 95-96 * Augustine thus condemned three kinds of act: contraception, the killing of the fetus before it is formed or "lives," and the killing of the live fetus. The analysis was a new approach in treating each of these acts as a sin against marriage. Elsewhere Augustine treated abortion as a form of homicide. ** John T. Noonan Jr., [https://scholarship.law.nd.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1125&context=nd_naturallaw_forum “Abortion and the Catholic Church: A Summary History”, 1-1-1967, ‘’Natural Law Forum’’. Paper 126, p.96 * '''If the orthodoxy of Augustine had remained the teaching of the Church, the final establishment of Evolution would have come far earlier than it did, certainly during the eighteenth instead of the nineteenth century, and the bitter controversy over this truth of Nature would never have arisen.''' ** [[Henry Fairfield Osborn]], ''[[From the Greeks to Darwin]]'' (1894) * Plainly as the direct or instantaneous Creation of animals and plants appeared to be taught in ''[[Genesis]]'', Augustine read this in the light of primary causation and the gradual development from the imperfect to the perfect of [[Aristotle]]. This most influential teacher thus handed down to his followers opinions which closely conform to the progressive views of those theologians of the present day who have accepted the [[Evolution]] theory. ** [[Henry Fairfield Osborn]], ''From the Greeks to Darwin'' (1894) * '''Augustine''' thus sought a naturalistic interpretation of the Mosaic record, or potential rather than special creation, and '''taught that in the institution of Nature we should not look for miracles but for the laws of Nature.''' ** [[Henry Fairfield Osborn]], ''From the Greeks to Darwin'' (1894) * '''I would inquire of reasonable persons whether this principle: ''Matter is naturally wholly incapable of thought'', and this other: ''I think, therefore I am'', are in fact the same in the mind of [[René_Descartes|Descartes]], and in that of St. Augustine, who said the same thing twelve hundred years before.''' ...I am far from affirming that Descartes is not the real author of it, even if he may have learned it only in reading this distinguished saint; for I know how much difference there is between writing a word by chance without making a longer and more extended reflection on it, and perceiving in this word an admirable series of conclusions, which prove the distinction between material and spiritual natures, and making of it a firm and sustained principle of a complete metaphysical system, as Descartes has pretended to do. ...it is on this supposition that I say that this expression is as different in his writings from the saying in others who have said it by chance, as in a man full of life and strength, from a corpse. ** Note: see above St. Augustine, ''City of God'', [[s:The_City_of_God/Book_XI/Chapter_26|XI, 26]] ** [[Blaise Pascal]], ''[[Blaise_Pascal#The_Art_of_Persuasion|The Art of Persuasion]]'' * The whole of North Africa was a glory of Christendom with St. Augustine, himself a Berber, its chief ornament. ** [[:w:Paulist Fathers|Paulist Fathers]], ''[[:w:Catholic World|Catholic World]]'', Volumes 175-176, (1952), p. 376 * '''No one, it seems to me, can hope to equal Augustine. Who, nowadays, could hope to equal one who, in my judgment, was the greatest in an age fertile in great minds?''' ** [[Petrarch]], in a letter to [[Giovanni Boccaccio]] (28 April 1373), as quoted in ''Petrarch : The First Modern Scholar and Man of Letters'' (1898) edited by James Harvey Robinson and Henry Winchester Rolfe, p. 418 * And how wisely this has been decreed St. Augustine thus shows: "This indeed is fitting, that the lower be subject to the higher, so that he who would have subject to himself whatever is below him, should himself submit to whatever is above him. Acknowledge order, seek peace. Be thou subject to God, and thy flesh subject to thee. What more fitting! What more fair! Thou art subject to the higher and the lower is subject to thee. Do thou serve Him who made thee, so that that which was made for thee may serve thee. For we do not commend this order, namely, "The flesh to thee and thou to God," but "Thou to God, and the flesh to thee." If, however, thou dost despise the subjection of thyself to God, thou shalt never bring about the subjection of the flesh to thyself. If thou dost not obey the Lord, thou shalt be tormented by thy servant." This right ordering on the part of God's wisdom is mentioned by the holy Doctor of the Gentiles, inspired by the Holy Ghost, for in speaking of those ancient philosophers who refused to adore and reverence Him Whom they knew to be the creator of the universe, he says: "Wherefore God gave them up to the desires of their heart, unto uncleanness, to dishonor their own bodies among themselves;" and again: "For this same God delivered them up to shameful affections." ** [[w:Pope Pius XI|Pius XI]] quoting St. Augustine, "Ennarration in Psalmis," 143; [https://web.archive.org/web/20070328092812/http://wiretap.area.com/Gopher/Library/Religion/Catholic/Pius_XI/Casti_connubii "Casti Connubii: Encyclical of Pope Pius XI on Christian Marriage, December 31, 1930"], ‘’The Vatican’’, “DIVINELY ORDAINED PLAN”, n.29-30; Archived from [http://wiretap.area.com/Gopher/Library/Religion/Catholic/Pius_XI/Casti_connubii the original] on March 28, 2007. Retrieved 2006-10-01. * Augustine of Hippo (350–430 C.E.), an influential bishop of the early Christian church, taught that [[masturbation]] and other alternatives to penile-vaginal intercourse —outercourse —were worse sins than [[fornication]], [[rape]], [[incest]], and [[adultery]]. He argued that masturbation and other non reproductive sexual activities were “unnatural” sins because they were [[contraceptive]]. Since fornication, rape, incest, and adultery could lead to [[pregnancy]], they were “[[natural]]” [[sins]] and much less [[serious]] than “unnatural” sins (Ranke-Heinemann, 1990). ** [https://www.plannedparenthood.org/files/2613/9611/6275/History_of_BC_Methods.pdf “A History of Birth Control Methods “], ''Planned Parenthood'', p.2 * Augustine’s [[importance]] to the subsequent [[history]] of [[Europe]] is impossible to exaggerate. His [[political theory]], which is all we focus on here, was a very small part of what he wrote in some 113 [[books]] and innumerable [[w:Letter (message)|letters]] and [[sermons]]. Nonetheless, it is [[Pregnancy|pregnant]] with [[arguments]] that racked not only [[Christian]] Europe but the modern world: how seriously should a Christian with his eyes on [[eternity]] take the politics of this earthly [[life]]; is it the [[duty]] of the [[state]] to protect the [[church]], repress [[heresy]], and ensure that its citizens adhere to the one [[true]] [[faith]]; absent a Christian [[ruler]], are we absolved of the [[duty]] to [[obey]] our rulers, or must we follow [[Saint Paul]]’s injunction to “obey the powers that be”? More generally, Augustine articulated distinctive and long-lived thoughts on matters that remain [[controversial]]: the nature of [[w:Just war theory|just war]], the illegitimacy of the [[death penalty]], the limits of earthly [[justice]]. The fact that his views on all these matters were embedded in a theology of some bleakness does not mean that they do not survive on their own merits. One needs only the barest sympathy with the thought that we are fallen creatures to find many of his views deeply appealing, far from cheerful as they may be. ** [[Alan Ryan]], ''On Politics'' (2012), Ch. 5 : Augustine’s Two Cities * [[Augustine]] saw a [[noble]] [[purpose]] in [[rape]]; while promising [[women]] that “savage lust perpetuated against them will be punished,” he also praises rape for keeping women humble, letting them know “whether previously they were [[arrogant]] with regard to their [[virginity]] or over-fond of [[praise]], or whether they would have become proud had they not [[suffered]] violation.” ** [[w:Andrew Solomon|Andrew Solomon]], [https://www.newyorker.com/news/news-desk/the-legitimate-children-of-rape “The Legitimate Children of Rape”], ''[[w:The New Yorker|The New Yorker]]'', (August 29, 2012). * '''There would be no end to quotations that bring out the unequalled influence of Augustine’s thought and work on the Latin West.''' « No work by a Christian author in the Latin tongue was to stir such great admiration and inquietude and enjoy such glory » (Dominique de Courcelles, ''Augustin ou le génie de l’Europe''). To the point that the author of this passage, while aware that he is speaking, as he says, « of a Christian Berber », nevertheless gives his book the title ''Augustine or the Genius of Europe''. And the [[genius]] was a Numidian of the Roman Empire. What a decanting of wisdom from the south to the north of the Mediterranean! ** [[:w:Henri Antoine Marie Teissier|Henri Antoine Marie Teissier]], in [http://www.30giorni.it/us/articolo.asp?id=3553 The African roots of Latin Christianity], drawn from the lecture given at the conference promoted by the Institute of Augustinian studies, Paris, (13 March 2003) * This idea of these great fathers of the Eastern Church took even stronger hold on the great father of the Western Church. For St. Augustine, so fettered usually by the letter of the sacred text, broke from his own famous doctrine as to the acceptance of Scripture and spurned the generally received [[belief]] of a creative process... In his great treatise [''De Cenesi contra Manichæos''] on ''[[Genesis]]'' he says: "'''To suppose that [[God]] formed man from the dust with bodily hands is very childish. ...God neither formed man with bodily hands nor did he breathe upon him with throat and lips.'''" ** [[Andrew Dickson White]], ''[[A History of the Warfare of Science with Theology in Christendom]]'' (1896), Ch.1, pp.52-53 * In the [[Middle Ages]] society was far more static and was essentially hierarchical in nature. As a result the causal or genetic attitude was far less important in medieval thought that it is in ours and the concept of evolution had little influence compared with the role of symbolism in the general world-view... Moreover, even the concept of time itself was of less significance to historians... For St Augustine the date of an event was of far less importance than its theological significance. His tendency to see everything in a theological rather than in a historical perspective was a powerful influence in the Middle Ages... It was not until the nineteenth century that the fundamental significance of the historical perspective came to be generally recognized. This was several hundred years after the theory and practice of perspective had been developed by painters and others. In each case a new way of looking at the world resulted. ** [[Gerald James Whitrow]], ''Time in History: Views of Time from Prehistory to the Present Day'' (1988) === “When Children Became People: the birth of childhood in early Christianity” (2005) === <small> Odd Magne Bakke, [https://books.google.com/books?id=VBN6r3cC6v0C “When Children Became People: the birth of childhood in early Christianity”], translated from Norwegian by Brian McNeil, Augsburg Fortress Minneapolis, MN, (2005) </small> * If they suffer without deserving it, the implication is that God punishes them without any reason. This is to say that God is unjust. This is exactly what Augustine accuses Julian of doing: “When you say that these miseries happen to the little ones without any sin, you really make God unjust.” However, this position is impossible because only justice and goodness can be ascribed to God. <br> Augustine is concerned with the salvation of the little ones, and emphasizes that Christ died for them too. He refers to several passages of the New Testament which say that Christ’s salvific work was intended for all human beings. For instance, after having quoted the words of Paul that God demonstrated his love toward us by the fact that Christ died for us when we were sinners (Romans 5:8-9), he argues that if the little ones are not fetted by sin, then Christ did not die for them. The premise is that all those for whom Christ has died are guilty, otherwise there would be nothing from which to save them. According to Augustine, the Palagian position implies that little ones do not benefit from the death of Christ. Similarly if the little ones are not affected by original sin, there is no need to baptize them since baptism provides remedies for sins. The grave consequence would be that they are excluded from the kingdom of God. “Why do you exclude from the kingdom of God so many images of God in little ones if they are not baptized, since they have done nothing evil?” In fact, if one denies the existence of original sin, one exposes little ones to serious harm. Consequently, Augustine asserts, it is not he who is cruel to infants (as the Pelagians alleged because of his view that little ones who died without being baptized were not saved) but the Pelagians themselves. Instead of leaving them in the power of the devil, Augustine exhorts his audience to :<br> speak for the babies all the more mercifully, the less they can do it for themselves. The Church habitually comes to the assistance of orphans in watching over their interests; let us all peak for the babies, all of us come to their assistance, lest they should lose their heavenly inheritance. It was for their sakes too that their Lord became a baby. How can they not be included in his liberation, seeing that they were the first who were found worthy to die for him? <br> In spite of his attempt to convince his readers that it is his own position that in the deepest sense takes care of little ones who die unbaptized, Augustine felt troubled by his conclusion. Early in the debate he speculated that they would suffer only “the mildest condemnation of all.” He does not discuss how a milder form of punishment might differ from a “normal” punishment, not does he return to this question in other writings. This may be because it is difficult to combine the idea of different levels of condemnation with his criticism of the Pelagians’ distinction between different levels of salvation for unbaptized infants. Given their position on the innocence of babies, the Pelgians asserted that babies are not to be baptized for the sake of obtaining salvation and eternal life, but for the kingdom of heaven. Against this position, Augustine argued that there is no intermediary place between the kingdom of heaven and eternal damnation. ** pp.101-102 * At one point Augustine wrote a letter to Jerome asking for advice on the possibility of combining belief in original sin with the creationist position he imputed to Jerome. Though what Augustine says is related to this particular position regarding the origin of the soul, the offense he felt at the view that little ones were condemned by God is apparent. “”What kind of justice is it that so many thousands of souls should be damned because they departed from their bodies by death in infancy, without the grace of the Christian sacrament . . . when He [God] certainly knew that each one of them by no fault of its own would leave the body without the baptism of Christ?” Jerome never answered. <br> Augustine explicitly states his uneasiness about his view in “Sermon 294’’. He admits that the question is profoundly difficult and recognized that his powers are not sufficient to get to the bottom of it . . . . I cannot find a satisfactory and worthy explanation; because I cannot find one.”” His interpretation of scripture led him to the conclusion that unbaptized babies go to damnation, and he felt obliged to maintain this. He could not “condemn divine authority” and quotes Romans 11:33-36 as he often does when he faces a question that goes beyond the limit of his reason: “Oh the depths of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of Go! How inscrutable are his judgments, and untraceable his ways!” Ultimately, the damnation of unbaptized children is a mystery, and therefore cannot be given a logical explanation. However, because Augustine was convinced that his view on this matter was in agreement with God’s revelation in the Holy Scriptures, he maintained it. Although he apparently felt that this doctrine was harsh, he never wavered from his view that little ones who died unbaptized were punished by god. ** p.102 * In addition to theological arguments, Augustine refers to the practice of the church. Infants, like adults, underwent the ''exsufflatio'', a rite of exorcism conducted before the baptism took place. This implies that little ones, like adults, needed exorcism to be rescued from the darkness of the devil. “What does my exorcism work in that babe, if he be not held in the devil’s family?” Augustine asks rhetorically. His point is, of course, that infants are afflicted with original sin and need remission of sins through baptism in order to be reconciled with God. He also takes the crying and struggling of babies when they are baptized as an expression of their original sin. Due to their condition, they resist grace. He even takes the hurrying of mothers to church with their babies to baptize them as an argument that children need to be redeemed from the power of the devil. ** pp.102-103 * We have seen that Augustine draws an ambiguous picture of childhood. On the one hand, he emphasizes that the child is from birth a sinner. Against the Pelagians, who asserted that the little ones are innocent with respect both to actual sins and to their nature, Augustine ascribed to infants an original sin inherited from Adam. In Augustine’s boyhood, this universal human condition is manifested in behavior and deeds that seek pleasures, renown, and truth in things that belong to the created world instead of in the Creator. In his adolescence, this was manifested by unrestrained sexual desire and by the committing of sin without the purpose of gain, illustrated by the theft of pears. Though the infant has not committed any personal sin, Augustine tends to take babies’ greed for the breast and their jealousy as manifestations of their sinful nature. It is hard for a modern reader to agree with his explanation and evaluation of children’s behavior. What we tend to regard as sign of development, Augustine takes as evidence of the sinful nature of the child. His view that assigns little ones who die unbaptized to eternal punishment also sounds harsh to modern readers, and might be invoked (as the Pelagaian did) as evidence of a hostile attitude towards children. <br> On the other hand, Augustine’s apparently negative view is balanced by an attitude that acknowledges the value of children, in whom Augustine finds that “everything is wonderful and worthy of praise.” Although this appraisal is related to the fact God has provided children with the gifts that enable them to seek and find him, so that they thus realize the ultimate purpose of life, it also reflects a striking recognition of the value of children. Likewise, the description of infants and children in his ‘’Confessions’’ reflects warm sympathy with how they experience life. Perhaps more importantly, Augustine’s deep concern about the salvation of children, for which baptism was a precondition, indicates that he regarded children as full and worthy religious beings who need to same spiritual nourishment as adults. However, I can find no connection between this expression of concern for the well0being of the child’s soul and the status and role of children in social life. <br> Furthermore Augustine considers children as subjects with responsibility for their moral behavior. He depicts an increasing accountability as they mature and their abilities to speak and to reason develop Because babies lack speech and the faculty of reason, there is no point for adults to rebuke them. But when they reach the age when they learn to speak and reason develops, the conditions for knowing and understanding what is right and wrong gradually emerge and children become increasingly responsible for their moral behavior. When children reach adolescence, their abilities to speak and reason are so developed that they are fully accountable for their deeds. Augustine assumes that children are capable of behaving according to his moral ideals, if they receive a proper Christian upbringing. ** pp.103-104 * Of all the church fathers, it is Augustine (354-430) who speaks most frequently of abortion and presents the most detailed discussions of the nature and status of the fetus. This is a fruit of his lifelong concern and theological wrestlings with the questions of the origin of the soul, and when and how the fetus received a soul. He discusses a variety of solutions: (1) the soul is pre-existent (2) the soul is created by god at the moment of conception; (3) like the body, the soul comes from the parents; (4) the soul is infused at a particular stage in the development of the fetus. As I have mentioned in an earlier chapter, he never found a satisfactory solution to this question. He frequently makes a distinction between the unformed and the formed fetus; the latter term refers to the fetus which has received a soul. We find one example of this distinction in the treatise ‘’De Nuptiis et Concupiscientia’’, when Augustine condemns sexual intercourse detached from reproduction: “At times this lust-filled cruelty or cruel lust goes far that it even procured drugs to cause sterility, and if they are not effective, it somehow extinguishes and destroys within the womb the fetus already conceived, desiring that its own offspring perish before it begins to live. Or, if it was living in the womb, it desires that it be killed before it is born. Naturally, this distinction presupposed that the fetus receives a soul at one particular stage in its development; the consequence of this idea, which he shares with Jerome, is that only the abortion of a formed fetus that has a soul can be classified as murder. This becomes clear in the ‘’Questiones in Heptateuchum’’ 2.80, where Augustine refers to the Septuagint version of Exodus 21:2 and following and argues that the abortion of an unformed fetus is not murder, since one cannot say whether it already has a soul at that stage. Although the abortion even of an unformed fetus is morally reprehensible, the punishment for this act is limited to a fine. On the question whether the embryo is to be define as a part of the mother’’s body, Augustine breaks with Stoic thinking and Roman law, which affirmed that this was not the case. ** p.133 ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{Wikisource author}} {{commonscat|Augustinus}} * [http://plato.stanford.edu/entries/augustine/ Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy entry] * [http://www.catholicrevelations.com/category/saints/the-life-biography-of-st-augustine-of-hippo-saint-bishop-confessor-doctor-of-the-catholic-church.html The Life and Writings of St. Augustine of Hippo: Bishop & Doctor of the Christian Church] * [http://www9.georgetown.edu/faculty/jod/augustine/ Augustine of Hippo at Georgetown University] * [http://staugustineofhippo.com/ St. Augustinus | Augustine of Hippo] **[http://www.mrrena.com/august.shtml St. Augustine: Between Two Worlds] **[http://personal2.stthomas.edu/gwschlabach/docs/jhy-aug.htm Augustine and 'other catholics'] * [http://www.augnet.org/ Order of St Augustine] * [http://www.orthodoxinfo.com/inquirers/bless_aug.aspx Blessed Augustine of Hippo: His Place in the Orthodox Church] * [http://www.onelittleangel.com/wisdom/quotes/saint_augustine.asp Augustine of Hippo at One Little Angel] ;Works by Augustine * {{gutenberg author|id=Augustine_of_Hippo|name=Augustine of Hippo}} * [http://www.ccel.org/a/augustine/ St. Augustine at the Christian Classics Ethereal Library] * [http://www.newadvent.org/fathers/ Several works by Augustine in English at New Advent] *[http://www.philosophyarchive.com/text.php?era=400-499&author=Augustine&text=Confessions%20and%20Enchiridion%20Introduction ''The Confessions'' and ''The Enchiridion''] *[http://www.augustinus.it Full latin and italian text resource] * [http://www.thelatinlibrary.com/august.html Books and letters by Augustine in Latin, at "The Latin Library] * [http://ccat.sas.upenn.edu/jod/augustine/ Texts, translations, introductions, commentaries at UPENN]<!-- link broken as of 4 august 2010 - gives 404 warning --> * [http://www.intratext.com/Catalogo/Autori/AUT31.HTM Aurelius Augustinus at IntraText Digital Library] * [http://www.documentacatholicaomnia.eu/20_40_0354-0430-_Augustinus,_Sanctus.html Sanctus Augustinus at ''Documenta Catholica Omnia''] * [http://www.doxologypress.org/theaudio/index.html City of God, Confessions, Enchiridion, Doctrine (audio books)] * [http://www.earlychurch.org.uk/augustine.php Augustine of Hippo at EarlyChurch.org.uk – extensive bibliography and on-line articles] {{Ancient Greek schools of philosophy}} {{Social and political philosophers}} [[Category:Philosophers from Rome]] [[Category:Theologians]] [[Category:Roman Catholics]] [[Category:Saints]] [[Category:Berber people]] [[Category:4th century births]] [[Category:5th century deaths]] [[Category:Church Fathers]] [[Category:Bishops]] [[Category:Christian leaders]] [[Category:Mystics]] [[Category:Existentialists]] [[Category:Latin authors]] [[Category:Autobiographers]] 06ctz6lqgk5jkdbiodrjr5lbx7na871 0 5145 3152979 2968366 2022-08-09T18:59:06Z IOHANNVSVERVS 2147914 /* Quotes */ remove quote not drom dhammapada and not sufficiently relevant wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Dharma Wheel.svg|thumb|right|[[All]] that we are is the [[result]] of what we have [[thought]]: it is founded on our thoughts, it is made up of our thoughts. If a [[man]] [[speaks]] or [[acts]] with an [[evil]] thought, [[pain]] follows him, as the wheel follows the [[foot]] of the [[ox]] that draws the carriage… If a man speaks or acts with a [[pure]] thought, [[happiness]] follows him, like a [[shadow]] that never leaves him.]] The '''''[[w:Dhammapada|Dhammapada]]''''' is one of the primary collections of teachings attributed to [[Gautama Buddha|Siddhartha Gautama]], who is revered as the "Shakyamuni Buddha" and considered founder of the [[Buddhism|Buddhist]] traditions. It contains 423 verses in 26 categories, which, according to tradition, are answers to questions put to the Buddha on various occasions, most of which deal with ethics. == Quotes == [[File:Shurakuendaibutu.JPG|thumb|right| Hostilities aren't stilled through hostility, regardless. Hostilities are stilled through non-hostility: this, an unending truth.]] '''1. Yammakavagga: "The Pairs" '''(Verses 1-20) * '''Mind precedes all mental states.''' Mind is their chief; they are all mind-wrought. If with an impure mind a person speaks or acts suffering follows him like the wheel that follows the foot of the ox. (Verse 1) ** Translator: Acharya Buddharakkhita ** Alternate translation: Phenomena are preceded by the heart, ruled by the heart, made of the heart. If you speak or act with a corrupted heart, then suffering follows you — as the wheel of the cart, the track of the ox that pulls it. *** Translator: Thanissaro Bhikkhu ** Alternative translation: All that we are is the result of what we have thought: it is founded on our thoughts, it is made up of our thoughts. If a man speaks or acts with an evil thought, pain follows him, as the wheel follows the foot of the ox that draws the carriage... If a man speaks or acts with a pure thought, happiness follows him, like a shadow that never leaves him. *** Translator: F. Max Müller * "He insulted me, hit me, beat me, robbed me" — for those who brood on this, hostility isn't stilled. "He insulted me, hit me, beat me, robbed me" — for those who don't brood on this, hostility is stilled. '''Hostilities aren't stilled through hostility, regardless. Hostilities are stilled through non-hostility: this, an unending truth.''' (Verses 3-5) ** Translator: Thanissaro Bhikkhu ** Alternative: "He abused me, he beat me, he defeated me, he robbed me,"— in those who harbour such thoughts hatred will never cease. "He abused me, he beat me, he defeated me, he robbed me," — in those who do not harbour such thoughts hatred will cease. For '''hatred does not cease by hatred at any time: hatred ceases by love, this is an old rule.''' *** Translator: F. Max Müller * Some do not understand that we must die, But those who do realize this settle their quarrels. (Verse 6) * As rain breaks through an ill-thatched house, passion will break through an unreflecting mind. (Verse 13) ** Translator: F. Max Müller '''2. Appamadavagga: "Mindfulness" '''(Verses 21-32) [[File:Kamakura Budda Daibutsu front 1885.jpg|thumb|right|Those who are in earnest do not die, those who are thoughtless are as if dead already.]] * '''Heedfulness is the path to the Deathless. Heedlessness is the path to death.''' The heedful die not. The heedless are as if dead already. (Verse 21) ** Translator: Acharya Buddharakkhita ** Alternative: Earnestness is the path of immortality (Nirvana), thoughtlessness the path of death. '''Those who are in earnest do not die, those who are thoughtless are as if dead already.''' *** Translator: F. Max Müller * '''Earnest among the thoughtless, awake among the sleepers, the wise man advances like a racer, leaving behind the hack.''' (Verse 29) ** Translator: F. Max Müller '''3. Cittavagga: "The Mind" '''(Verses 33-43) * Just as a fletcher straightens an arrow shaft, even so the discerning man straightens his mind — so fickle and unsteady, so difficult to guard. (Verse 33) ** Translator: Acharya Buddharakkhita * Hard to hold down, nimble, alighting wherever it likes: the mind. Its taming is good. The mind well-tamed brings ease. (Verse 35) ** Translator: Thanissaro Bhikkhu ** Alternative: It is good to tame the mind, which is difficult to hold in and flighty, rushing wherever it listeth; a tamed mind brings happiness. *** Translator: F. Max Müller * There is no fear for one whose mind is not filled with desires. (Verse 39) '''4. Pupphavagga: "Flowers" '''(Verses 44-59) * Death carries off a man who is gathering flowers and whose mind is distracted, as a flood carries off a sleeping village. (Verse 47) ** Translator: F. Max Müller * Let none find fault with others; let none see the omissions and commissions of others. But let one see one’s own acts, done and undone. (Verse 50) '''5. 'Balavagga: "The Spiritually Immature" '''(Verses 60-75) * Long for the wakeful is the night. Long for the weary, a league. For fools unaware of True Dhamma, samsara is long. (Verse 60) ** Translator: Thanissaro Bhikkhu * If a traveller does not meet with one who is his better, or his equal, let him firmly keep to his solitary journey; there is no companionship with a fool. (Verse 61) ** Translator: F. Max Müller * A fool associating himself with a wise man all his life sees not the truth, even as the spoon enjoys not the taste of the soup. (Verse 64) ** Translator: Anonymous. Verses published by the Cunningham Press, USA; reissued by the Theosophy Company, Bombay, 1957. * Whatever knowledge the fool acquires is not worked to advantage. That tarnishes his bright share of past merit and throws his head into disarray as he acts in the present. (Verse 72) ** Translator: Anonymous. Verses published by the Cunningham Press, USA; reissued by the Theosophy Company, Bombay, 1957. '''6. Panditavagga: "The Spiritually Mature" '''(Verses 76-89) [[File:Jigendo Otsu Amida-nyorai14s4592.jpg|thumb|right| Better it is to live one day wise and meditative than to live a hundred years foolish and uncontrolled.]] * Should you find a wise critic to point out your faults, follow him as you would a guide to hidden treasure. (Verse 76) * Irrigators channel waters; fletchers straighten arrows; carpenters bend wood; the wise master themselves. (Verse 80) * '''Just as a solid rock is not shaken by the storm, even so the wise are not affected by praise or blame.''' ** Translator: Acharya Buddharakkhita '''7. Sahassavagga: "The Thousands" '''(Verses 90-99) * His mind becomes calm. His word and deed are calm. Such is the state of tranquillity of one who has attained to deliverance through the realization of truth. (Verse 96) '''8. Sahassavagga: "The Thousands" '''(Verses 100-115) *<p>'''Better than a thousand hollow words <br> Is one word that brings peace.''' </p><p>'''Better than a thousand hollow verses <br> Is one verse that brings peace.'''</p><p>'''Better than a hundred hollow lines <br> Is one line of the law, bringing peace.''' (Verse 100)</p> ** Translator: Thomas Byrom * Greater in battle than the man who would conquer a thousand-thousand men, is he who would conquer just one — himself. (Verse 103) ** Translator: Thanissaro Bhikkhu * '''Better it is to live one day wise and meditative than to live a hundred years foolish and uncontrolled.''' (Verse 111) ** Translator: Acharya Buddharakkhita '''9. Papavagga: "Evil" '''(Verses 116-128) * If a man commits evil let him not repeat it again and again; let him not delight in it, for the accumulation of sin brings suffering. (Verse 117) * Should a person do good, let him do it again and again. Let him find pleasure therein, for blissful is the accumulation of good. (Verse 118) * Drop by drop is the water pot filled. Likewise, the wise man, gathering it little by little, fills himself with good. (Verse 122) '''10. Dandavagga: "Violence" '''(Verses 129-145) * All tremble at the rod, all are fearful of death. Drawing the parallel to yourself, neither kill nor get others to kill. (Verse 129) ** Translator: Thanissaro Bhikkhu ** Alternative: All men tremble at punishment, all men fear death; remember that you are like unto them, and do not kill, nor cause slaughter. *** Translator: F. Max Müller '''11. Jaravagga: "Old Age" '''(Verses 146-156) [[File:Siddhartha Gautama Buddha portrait.PNG|thumb|right| How is there [[laughter]], how is there [[joy]], as this [[world]] is always [[burning]]? Why do you not seek a [[light]], ye who are surrounded by [[darkness]]?]] * How is there laughter, how is there joy, as this world is always burning? Why do you not seek a light, ye who are surrounded by darkness? (Verse 146) ** Translator: F. Max Müller ** Alternative: What laughter, why joy, when constantly aflame? Enveloped in darkness, don't you look for a lamp? *** Translator: Thanissaro Bhikkhu * Behold this body — a painted image, a mass of heaped up sores, infirm, full of hankering — of which nothing is lasting or stable! (Verse 147) ** Translator: Acharya Buddharakkhita ** Alternative: Look at the beautified image, a heap of festering wounds, shored up: ill, but the object of many resolves, where there is nothing lasting or sure. *** Translator: Thanissaro Bhikkhu * Worn out is this body, a nest of diseases, dissolving. This putrid conglomeration is bound to break up, for life is hemmed in with death. ** Translator: Thanissaro Bhikkhu * Looking for the maker of this tabernacle, I shall have to run through a course of many births, so long as I do not find (him); and painful is birth again and again. But now, maker of the tabernacle, thou hast been seen; thou shalt not make up this tabernacle again. All thy rafters are broken, thy ridge-pole is sundered; the mind, approaching the Eternal (visankhara, nirvana), has attained to the extinction of all desires. (Verses 153-154) ** Translator: F. Max Müller '''12. Attavagga: "The Self" '''(Verses 157-166) * One truly is the protector of oneself; who else could the protector be? With oneself fully controlled, one gains a mastery that is hard to gain. (Verse 160) ** Translator: Acharya Buddharakkhita '''13. Lokavagga: "The World" ''' (Verses 167-178) * '''This world is blind! There are so few Who see things as they truly are.''' Come, take a good look at this world, Pretty like a king's chariot. Though fools become immersed in it, For the wise there's no attachment. See how much it's like a bubble! See how much it's like a mirage! The king of death does not see one Who regards the world in this way. Rouse yourself! And don't be lazy. '''Follow the good ways of dhamma.''' (Verses 168-174) ** Translator: Andrew Olendzki '''14. Buddhavagga "The Buddha" '''(Verses 179-196) * '''To avoid all evil, to cultivate good, and to cleanse one's mind — this is the teaching of the Buddhas.''' (Verse 183) ** Translator: Acharya Buddharakkhita * He who pays homage to those who are worthy of homage, be they the Enlightened Ones or Their Disciples — those who have overcome the host of evil and crossed beyond the stream of sorrow — he who pays homage to the Fearless and Peaceful Ones, his merit cannot be measured by any. (Verse 195-196) ** Translator: Anonymous. Verses published by the Cunningham Press, USA; reissued by the Theosophy Company, Bombay, 1957. '''15. Sukhavagga: "Happiness" '''(Verses 197-208) [[File:Anandabodhi.jpg|thumb|right| Happily the peaceful live, discarding both victory and defeat.]] * Let us live happily then, not hating those who hate us! among men who hate us let us dwell free from hatred! (Verse 197) ** Translator: F. Max Müller * Victory begets enmity; the defeated dwell in pain. '''Happily the peaceful live, discarding both victory and defeat.''' (Verse 201) ** Translator: Acharya Buddharakkhita * There is no fire like lust and no crime like hatred. There is no ill like the aggregates (of existence) and no bliss higher than the peace (of Nibbana). (Verse 202) ** Translator: Acharya Buddharakkhita * Health is the greatest gift, contentment is the greatest wealth, a trusted friend is the best relative, Nibbana is the greatest bliss. (Verse 202) **Translator: Narada Maha Thera *206. Glorious is it to see [[w:Arya (Buddhism)|the Noble Ones]]; their company at all times brings happiness; by not seeing the spiritually ignorant, one will always be happy.<br/>207. He who leads a life in the company of fools suffers long; it is as painful to live with fools as it is with a foe; association with the wise brings happiness[...]<br/>208. Therefore, one should follow the steadfast, the wise, the educated, the self-reliant, the dutiful and the noble. '''Even as the moon follows the path of the stars, so ought one to follow such a virtuous and highly intelligent man.''' ** Translator: Harischandra Kaviratna[http://web.archive.org/web/20140801091251/http://www.theosociety.org/pasadena/dhamma/dham15.htm] '''16. Piyavagga: "Affection" '''(Verses 209-220) * As kinsmen welcome a dear one on arrival, even so his own good deeds will welcome the doer of good who has gone from this world to the next. (Verse 220) '''17. Kodhavagga: "Anger" '''(Verses 221-234) * One, who controls his anger when aroused, is like a clever driver who controls a fast going carriage; the others are like those who merely hold the reins. ** (Verse 222) * Conquer the hateful man with love; conquer the bad man with goodness; conquer the miser with generosity; conquer the liar with truth. (Verse 223) * Give, even if you only have a little. (Verse 224) '''18. Malavagga: "Impurity"''' (Verses 235-255) * Let a wise man blow off the impurities of his self, as a smith blows off the impurities of silver one by one, little by little, and from time to time. (Verse 239) '''19. Dhammatthavagga: "The Righteous" '''(Verses 256-272) * To pass judgment hurriedly doesn’t mean you’re a judge. The wise one, weighing both the right judgment & wrong, judges others impartially — unhurriedly, in line with the Dhamma, guarding the Dhamma, guarded by Dhamma, intelligent: he’s called a judge. (Verses 256-257) * One is not a learned man by virtue of much speaking. He who is patient, without anger and fearless, he is to be called learned. (Verse 258) * One is not a bearer of the teaching by virtue of much speaking, but he who, even if he has only studied a little, has experienced the truth in person, he is indeed a bearer of the teaching, who has not forgotten the teaching. (Verse 259) *One is not called noble who harms living beings. By not harming living beings one is called noble. (Verse 270) '''20. Maggavagga: "The Path"'''(Verses 273-289) * Of paths, the eightfold is best. Of truths, the four sayings. Of qualities, dispassion. Of two-footed beings, the one with the eyes to see. (Verse 273) ** Translator: Thanissaro Bhikkhu * "All conditioned things are impermanent" — when one sees this with wisdom, one turns away from suffering. This is the path to purification. (Verse 277) ** Translator: Acharya Buddharakkhita ** Alternative: "All created things perish," he who knows and sees this becomes passive in pain; this is the way to purity. *** Translator: F. Max Müller '''21. Pakinnakavagga: "Miscellaneous" '''(Verses 290-305) * If by leaving a small pleasure one sees a great pleasure, let a wise man leave the small pleasure, and look to the great. (Verse 290) '''22. Nirayavagga: "Hell" '''(Verses 306-319) * In the same way that a wrongly handled blade of grass will cut one's hand, so a badly fulfilled life in religion will drag one down to hell. (Verse 311) '''23. Nagavagga: "The Elephant" '''(Verses 320-333) * Trained mules are excellent, and so are thoroughbred horses from the Sindh, and so are great battle elephants, but more excellent than them all is a disciplined man. (Verse 322) * If you find an intelligent companion, a wise and well-behaved person going the same way as yourself, then go along with him, overcoming all dangers, pleased at heart and mindful. (Verse 328) '''24. Tanhavagga: "Craving" '''(Verses 334-359) * Let go of the past, let go of the future, let go of the present, and cross over to the farther shore of existence. With mind wholly liberated, you shall come no more to birth and death. (Verse 348) ** Translator: Acharya Buddharakkhita '''25. Bhikkhuvagga: "The Monk" '''(Verses 360-382) * The monk who is calm in body, calm in speech, calm in thought, well-composed and who has spewn out worldliness — he, truly, is called serene. (Verse 378) '''26. Brahmanavagga: "The Holy man" '''(Verses 383-423) * When a holy man has reached the summit of two paths (meditative concentration and insight), he knows the truth and all his fetters fall away. (Verse 384) * A man does not become a Brahmana by his platted hair, by his family, or by birth; in whom there is truth and righteousness, he is blessed, he is a Brahmana. (Verse 393) ** Translator: F. Max Müller ==Quotes about the ''Dhammapada''== *If all of the [[New Testament]] had been lost, it has been said, and only the [[Jesus#Chapters_5-7.2C_the_Sermon_on_the_Mount|Sermon on the Mount]] had managed to survive these two thousand years of history, we would still have all that is necessary for following the teachings of [[Jesus|Jesus the Christ]]..... [[Buddhism|Buddhist scripture]] is much more voluminous than the Bible, but... '''if everything else were lost, we would need nothing more than the Dhammapada to follow the way of the Buddha'''. **[[Eknath Easwaran]], in the introduction to [[w:Dhammapada (Easwaran translation)|his translation]] of [http://books.google.com/books?id=ZtYYu6Z6_V0C&printsec=frontcover&dq=easwaran+isbn:9781586380205&hl=en&ei=Wy3LTZ3wJtPPiALY3KmYBQ&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=result&resnum=1&ved=0CCoQ6AEwAA#v=onepage&q&f=false ''The Dhammapada'' (2007, 2nd ed.)], page 13. (original publication, 1986) ==See also== *[[Ageless Wisdom teachings]] * [[Buddhism]] * [[Gautama Buddha]] *[[Four Noble Truths|The Four Noble Truths]] == External links == {{Wikipedia}} {{Wiktionary|Dhammapada}} {{wikisource}} * [http://www.sacred-texts.com/bud/sbe10/index.htm ''The Dhammapada'' as translated by Max Müller (1881)] (with additional commentary and footnotes)] * [http://www.theosociety.org/pasadena/dhamma/dham-hp.htm ''Dhammapada, Wisdom of the Buddha'' as translated by Harischandra Kaviratna (1980)] * [http://www.accesstoinsight.org/tipitaka/kn/dhp/index.html ''Dhammapada'' translations by Acharya Buddharakkhita (1985) and Thanissaro Bhikkhu (1997)] * [http://eawc.evansville.edu/anthology/dhammapada.htm ''The Dhammapada'' as translated by John Richards (1993)] * [http://www.san.beck.org/Dhammapada.html ''The Dhammapada'' as translated by Sanderson Beck (1996)] [[Category:Buddhist texts]] [[be:Дхамапада]] [[bs:Dhammapada]] [[it:Gautama Buddha#Dhammapada]] [[lt:Dhamapada]] [[pl:Dhammapada]] [[pt:Dhammapada]] [[sk:Dhammapáda]] [[sl:Dhammapada]] awuvc1214flf7miec28fngerp4wm3bb 0 5156 3153098 3146696 2022-08-10T02:09:23Z 172.58.236.203 /* Day of the Dumpster */ wikitext text/x-wiki ''[[w:Mighty Morphin Power Rangers|Mighty Morphin Power Rangers]]'' (1993–1996) by [[w:Haim Saban|Haim Saban]]. <!-- START TABLE OF CONTENTS --> {| border=1 ! align=center bgcolor=#9999FF | [[#Season 1 (1993-1994)|Season 1]] ! align=center bgcolor=#9999FF | [[#Season 2 (1994-1995)|Season 2]] ! align=center bgcolor=#9999FF | [[#Season 3 (1995-1996)|Season 3]] |- | align=center | [[#Day of the Dumpster|Day of the Dumpster]] | align=center | [[#The Mutiny, Part 1|The Mutiny, Part 1]] | align=center | [[#A Friend in Need, Part 1|A Friend in Need, Part 1]] |- | align=center | [[#High Five|High Five]] | align=center | [[#The Mutiny, Part 2|The Mutiny, Part 2]] | align=center | [[#A Friend in Need, Part 2|A Friend in Need, Part 2]] |- | align=center | [[#Teamwork|Teamwork]] | align=center | [[#The Mutiny, Part 3|The Mutiny, Part 3]] | align=center | [[#A Friend in Need, Part 3|A Friend in Need, Part 3]] |- | align=center | [[#A Pressing Engagement|A Pressing Engagement]] | align=center | [[#The Wanna-Be Ranger|The Wanna-Be Ranger]] | align=center | [[#Ninja Quest, Part 1|Ninja Quest, Part 1]] |- | align=center | [[#Different Drum|Different Drum]] | align=center | [[#Putty on the Brain|Putty on the Brain]] | align=center | [[#Ninja Quest, Part 2|Ninja Quest, Part 2]] |- | align=center | [[#Food Fight|Food Fight]] | align=center | [[#Bloom of Doom|Bloom of Doom]] | align=center | [[#Ninja Quest, Part 3|Ninja Quest, Part 3]] |- | align=center | [[#I, Eye Guy|I, Eye Guy]] | align=center | [[#The Green Dream|The Green Dream]] | align=center | [[#Ninja Quest, Part 4|Ninja Quest, Part 4]] |- | align=center | [[#Power Ranger Punks|Power Ranger Punks]] | align=center | [[#The Power Stealer|The Power Stealer]] | align=center | [[#A Brush with Destiny|A Brush with Destiny]] |- | align=center | [[#Peace, Love, and Woe|Peace, Love, and Woe]] | align=center | [[#The Beetle Invasion|The Beetle Invasion]] | align=center | [[#Passing the Lantern|Passing the Lantern]] |- | align=center | [[#Foul Play in the Sky|Foul Play in the Sky]] | align=center | [[#Welcome to Venus Island|Welcome to Venus Island]] | align=center | [[#Wizard for a Day|Wizard for a Day]] |- | align=center | [[#For Whom the Bell Trolls|For Whom the Bell Trolls]] | align=center | [[#The Song of Guitardo|The Song of Guitardo]] | align=center | [[#Fourth Down and Long|Fourth Down and Long]] |- | align=center | [[#Happy Birthday, Zack|Happy Birthday, Zack]] | align=center | [[#Green No More, Part 1|Green No More, Part 1]] | align=center | [[#Final Face-Off|Final Face-Off]] |- | align=center | [[#No Clowning Around|No Clowning Around]] | align=center | [[#Green No More, Part 2|Green No More, Part 2]] | align=center | [[#Stop the Hate Master, Part 1|Stop the Hate Master, Part 1]] |- | align=center | [[#Dark Warrior|Dark Warrior]] | align=center | [[#Missing Green|Missing Green]] | align=center | [[#Stop the Hate Master, Part 2|Stop the Hate Master, Part 2]] |- | align=center | [[#Switching Places|Switching Places]] | align=center | [[#Orchestral Maneuvers in the Park|Orchestral Maneuvers in the Park]] | align=center | [[#The Potion Notion|The Potion Notion]] |- | align=center | [[#Big Sisters|Big Sisters]] | align=center | [[#Beauty and the Beast|Beauty and the Beast]] | align=center | [[#A Ranger Catastrophe, Part 1|A Ranger Catastrophe, Part 1]] |- | align=center | [[#Green with Evil, Part 1: Out of Control|Green with Evil, Part 1: Out of Control]] | align=center | [[#White Light, Part 1|White Light, Part 1]] | align=center | [[#A Ranger Catastrophe, Part 2|A Ranger Catastrophe, Part 2]] |- | align=center | [[#Green with Evil, Part 2: Jason's Battle|Green with Evil, Part 2: Jason's Battle]] | align=center | [[#White Light, Part 2|White Light, Part 2]] | align=center | [[#Changing of the Zords, Part 1|Changing of the Zords, Part 1]] |- | align=center | [[#Green with Evil, Part 3: The Rescue|Green with Evil, Part 3: The Rescue]] | align=center | [[#Two for One|Two for One]] | align=center | [[#Changing of the Zords, Part 2|Changing of the Zords, Part 2]] |- | align=center | [[#Green with Evil, Part 4: Eclipsing Megazord|Green with Evil, Part 4: Eclipsing Megazord]] | align=center | [[#Opposites Attract|Opposites Attract]] | align=center | [[#Changing of the Zords, Part 3|Changing of the Zords, Part 3]] |- | align=center | [[#Green with Evil, Part 5: Breaking the Spell|Green with Evil, Part 5: Breaking the Spell]] | align=center | [[#Zedd's Monster Mash|Zedd's Monster Mash]] | align=center | [[#Follow That Cab!|Follow That Cab!]] |- | align=center | [[#The Trouble with Shellshock|The Trouble with Shellshock]] | align=center | [[#The Ninja Encounter, Part 1|The Ninja Encounter, Part 1]] | align=center | [[#A Different Shade of Pink, Part 1|A Different Shade of Pink, Part 1]] |- | align=center | [[#Itsy Bitsy Spider|Itsy Bitsy Spider]] | align=center | [[#The Ninja Encounter, Part 2|The Ninja Encounter, Part 2]] | align=center | [[#A Different Shade of Pink, Part 2|A Different Shade of Pink, Part 2]] |- | align=center | [[#The Spit Flower|The Spit Flower]] | align=center | [[#The Ninja Encounter, Part 3|The Ninja Encounter, Part 3]] | align=center | [[#A Different Shade of Pink, Part 3|A Different Shade of Pink, Part 3]] |- | align=center | [[#Life's a Masquerade|Life's a Masquerade]] | align=center | [[#Zedd Waves|Zedd Waves]] | align=center | [[#I'm Dreaming of a White Ranger|I'm Dreaming of a White Ranger]] |- | align=center | [[#Gung Ho!|Gung Ho!]] | align=center | [[#A Monster of Global Proportions|A Monster of Global Proportions]] | align=center | [[#Rita's Pita|Rita's Pita]] |- | align=center | [[#Wheel of Misfortune|Wheel of Misfortune]] | align=center | [[#The Power Transfer, Part 1|The Power Transfer, Part 1]] | align=center | [[#A Chimp in Charge|A Chimp in Charge]] |- | align=center | [[#Island of Illusion, Part 1|Island of Illusion, Part 1]] | align=center | [[#The Power Transfer, Part 2|The Power Transfer, Part 2]] | align=center | [[#Master Vile and the Metallic Armor, Part 1|Master Vile and the Metallic Armor, Part 1]] |- | align=center | [[#Island of Illusion, Part 2|Island of Illusion, Part 2]] | align=center | [[#Goldar's Vice-Versa|Goldar's Vice-Versa]] | align=center | [[#Master Vile and the Metallic Armor, Part 2|Master Vile and the Metallic Armor, Part 2]] |- | align=center | [[#The Rockstar|The Rockstar]] | align=center | [[#Mirror of Regret|Mirror of Regret]] | align=center | [[#Master Vile and the Metallic Armor, Part 3|Master Vile and the Metallic Armor, Part 3]] |- | align=center | [[#Calamity Kimberly|Calamity Kimberly]] | align=center | [[#When is a Ranger Not a Ranger?|When is a Ranger Not a Ranger?]] | align=center | [[#The Sound of Dischordia|The Sound of Dischordia]] |- | align=center | [[#A Star is Born|A Star is Born]] | align=center | [[#Rocky Just Wants to Have Fun|Rocky Just Wants to Have Fun]] | align=center | [[#Rangers in Reverse|Rangers in Reverse]] |- | align=center | [[#The Yolk's on You!|The Yolk's on You!]] | align=center | [[#Lights, Camera, Action|Lights, Camera, Action]] | align=center | [[#Alien Rangers of Aquitar, Part 1|Alien Rangers of Aquitar, Part 1]] |- | align=center | [[#The Green Candle, Part 1|The Green Candle, Part 1]] | align=center | [[#Where There's Smoke, There's Fire|Where There's Smoke, There's Fire]] | align=center | [[#Alien Rangers of Aquitar, Part 2|Alien Rangers of Aquitar, Part 2]] |- | align=center | [[#The Green Candle, Part 2|The Green Candle, Part 2]] | align=center | [[#Scavenger Hunt|Scavenger Hunt]] | align=center | [[#Climb Every Fountain|Climb Every Fountain]] |- | align=center | [[#Birds of a Feather|Birds of a Feather]] | align=center | [[#The Great Bookala Escape|The Great Bookala Escape]] | align=center | [[#The Alien Trap|The Alien Trap]] |- | align=center | [[#Clean-Up Club|Clean-Up Club]] | align=center | [[#Forever Friends|Forever Friends]] | align=center | [[#Attack of the 60' Bulk|Attack of the 60' Bulk]] |- | align=center | [[#A Bad Reflection on You|A Bad Reflection on You]] | align=center | [[#A Reel Fish Story|A Reel Fish Story]] | align=center | [[#Water You Thinking?|Water You Thinking?]] |- | align=center | [[#Doomsday, Part 1|Doomsday, Part 1]] | align=center | [[#Rangers Back in Time, Part 1|Rangers Back in Time, Part 1]] | align=center | [[#Along Came a Spider|Along Came a Spider]] |- | align=center | [[#Doomsday, Part 2|Doomsday, Part 2]] | align=center | [[#Rangers Back in Time, Part 2|Rangers Back in Time, Part 2]] | align=center | [[#Sowing the Seas of Evil|Sowing the Seas of Evil]] |- | align=center | [[#A Pig Surprise|A Pig Surprise]] | align=center | [[#The Wedding, Part 1|The Wedding, Part 1]] | align=center | [[#Hogday Afternoon, Part 1|Hogday Afternoon, Part 1]] |- | align=center | [[#Lions and Blizzards|Lions and Blizzards]] | align=center | [[#The Wedding, Part 2|The Wedding, Part 2]] | align=center | [[#Hogday Afternoon, Part 2|Hogday Afternoon, Part 2]] |- | align=center | [[#Rita's Seed of Evil|Rita's Seed of Evil]] | align=center | [[#The Wedding, Part 3|The Wedding, Part 3]] |- | align=center | [[#Crystal of Nightmares|Crystal of Nightmares]] | align=center | [[#Return of the Green Ranger, Part 1|Return of the Green Ranger, Part 1]] |- | align=center | [[#Something Fishy|Something Fishy]] | align=center | [[#Return of the Green Ranger, Part 2|Return of the Green Ranger, Part 2]] |- | align=center | [[#To Flea or Not to Flee|To Flea or Not to Flee]] | align=center | [[#Return of the Green Ranger, Part 3|Return of the Green Ranger, Part 3]] |- | align=center | [[#Reign of the Jellyfish|Reign of the Jellyfish]] | align=center | [[#Best Man for the Job|Best Man for the Job]] |- | align=center | [[#Plague of the Mantis|Plague of the Mantis]] | align=center | [[#Storybook Rangers, Part 1|Storybook Rangers, Part 1]] |- | align=center | [[#Return of an Old Friend, Part 1|Return of an Old Friend, Part 1]] | align=center | [[#Storybook Rangers, Part 2|Storybook Rangers, Part 2]] |- | align=center | [[#Return of an Old Friend, Part 2|Return of an Old Friend, Part 2]] | align=center | [[#Wild West Rangers, Part 1|Wild West Rangers, Part 1]] |- | align=center | [[#Grumble Bee|Grumble Bee]] | align=center | [[#Wild West Rangers, Part 2|Wild West Rangers, Part 2]] |- | align=center | [[#Two Heads are Better Than One|Two Heads are Better Than One]] | align=center | [[#Blue Ranger Gone Bad|Blue Ranger Gone Bad]] |- | align=center | [[#Fowl Play|Fowl Play]] |- | align=center | [[#Enter... the Lizzinator|Enter... the Lizzinator]] |- | align=center | [[#Trick or Treat|Trick or Treat]] |- | align=center | [[#On Fins and Needles|On Fins and Needles]] |- | align=center | [[#Second Chance|Second Chance]] |- | align=center | [[#Football Season|Football Season]] |- | align=center | [[#Mighty Morphin' Mutants|Mighty Morphin' Mutants]] |- | align=center | [[#An Oyster Stew|An Oyster Stew]] |- |}<!-- END TABLE OF CONTENTS --> __NOTOC__ ==Season 1 (1993-1994)== ===Day of the Dumpster=== :'''Kimberly''': You 2 should definitely join Jason's karate class. <he width=50%/> :'''Finster''': Oh, it's good to be free after 10,000 years. <hr width=50%/> :''[to fleeing astronauts]'' :'''Rita''': Don't leave! You'll miss my coming-out party. That's when I destroy the nearest planet! :''[the nearest planet happens to be... Earth]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Alpha''': Danger! Danger! It's the big one! I know it! We'll all be destroyed! :'''Zordon''': Calm down, Alpha! It's Rita. She's escaped, and she's attacking the planet. :'''Alpha''': Ay-yi-yi! What do we do?! :'''Zordon''': Teleport to us five overbearing and over-emotional humans. :'''Alpha''': No! Not that! Not teenagers! :'''Zordon''': That's correct, Alpha. :'''Alpha''': I was afraid of that. <hr width=50%/> :'''Billy''': ''[sees Alpha]'' A fully sentient, multifunctional automaton. I've never seen anything like it. <hr width=50%/> :'''Zack''': Mastodon! :'''Kimberly''': Pterodactyl! :'''Billy''': Triceratops! :'''Trini''': Saber-Toothed Tiger! :'''Jason''': Tyrannosaurus! :'''All 5''': Power Rangers! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jason''': Back off, fang-face! :'''Zack''': The good guys are here! :'''Billy''': Get off our planet! :'''Trini''': 'Cause we're the Power Rangers! :'''Kimberly''': And we're not backin' down! <hr width=50%/> :'''Goldar''': You and your weapons are no match for me! <hr width=50%/> :'''Rita''': Goldar, you failed! :'''Goldar''': It won't happen again, empress! :'''Rita''': Shut up! I've got a headache! ===High Five=== :'''Bones''': I am Bones! At your service. ''[removes his head] :'''Finster''': Hmm. Perhaps I should have set the machine on low. <hr width=50%/> :'''Bones''': ''[removes his head]'' Here! Let me help you get "a-head"! <hr width=50%/> :'''Rita''': *moans* I've got such a headache! Somebody bring me an aspirin! ===Teamwork=== :'''Mr. Caplan''': Look at this place! Why it hasn't been cleaned up yet! You there! I wanna talk to you! ===A Pressing Engagement=== :'''King Sphinx''': You're nothing without your friends. Why don't you just give up? <hr width=50%/> :'''Red Ranger''': Megazord armed and ready! :'''Goldar''': Uh-oh! :'''King Sphinx''': Uh-oh! :'''Rita''': Huh? Uh-oh. ===Different Drum=== :'''Rita''': Finster! Oh, Finster! :'''Finster''': Yes, O nasty one. I'm working on a marvelous monster that eats cars and smells like a fish. :'''Rita''': Never mind that! Make me a musical monster that will mesmerize those pathetic Power Rangers and bring them to their knees! Like the Pied Piper, only meaner. :'''Finster''': Oh, my queen, that idea is absolute brilliance! However, musical monsters aren't very reliable. Wouldn't you rather have a nice fire-breathing hedgehog instead? :'''Rita''': NO! Either get my monster, or I'll turn you into a Sippean slug! <hr width=50%/> :'''Rita''': Well, do you have my monster yet? The waiting is putting a strain on my natural beauty. :'''Finster''': Yes. I call it the Gnarly Gnome. He's a wonderfully ugly creature who plays a hypnotic accordion. The plan is to hypnotize a few kids and hold them. When the Power Rangers show up to the rescue, he'll use the music to put them in your power. :'''Rita''': Okay. Let's get 'em! ===Food Fight=== :''[Skull is about to eat part of a cream pie meant for a food fight]'' :'''Bulk''': We're not going to eat them, numb-Skull. We're going to throw them. <hr width=50%/> :'''Rita''': ''[after Pudgy Pig's destruction]'' You nincompoop! Your monster was worthless! :'''Finster''': But I warned you he wasn't my best work! :'''Baboo''': This is all your fault! :'''Squatt''': My fault?! :'''Baboo''': I don't know how, but ya always mess everything up! Ya do! :'''Finster''': Now, now, my queen, please don't yell at me and turn me into a toad or something! Please, my queen! I beg you! :'''Baboo''': ''[intimidated by Rita's fury]'' I'm sensing a bit of dissatisfaction. :'''Rita''': I'm feeling sick again, and it's all your fault! ''[to Squatt and Baboo]'' And as for you two, SHUT UP! How can anyone conquer the world with these nitwits?! ===I, Eye Guy=== :'''Eye Guy''': I spy some Power Rangers! ===Power Ranger Punks=== :'''Billy''': Where's your lunch money, kid? :'''Kimberly''': Yeah, Give it up! :'''Kid''': I don't have any! :'''Billy''': You're worthless. <hr width=50%/> :'''Kimberly''': Baboo?! :'''Baboo''': In the flesh. And I got you, didn't I? :'''Terror Toad''': Four down, and only one to go! :'''Baboo''': Well, then, let's get her! ===Peace, Love, and Woe=== :'''Ernie''': ''[to Bulk and Skull after the cake accident]'' You boys better follow the rules, and pay for the cake, or just don't come back! ===Foul Play in the Sky=== :'''Skull''': Hey Bulk, are you afraid of flying? :'''Bulk''': Nah. I'm afraid of crashing. <hr width='50%'> :''[on the plane, Bulk and Skull wake up]'' :'''Skull''': Oh, look. Kimberly's flying the plane. :''[Bulk and Skull suddenly react]'' :'''Bulk and Skull''': SHE'S FLYING THE PLANE?!?! ''[scream]'' <hr width='50%'> :'''Skull''': I've got the mind of a pilot. :'''Bulk''': Yeah? How'd ya figure that? :'''Skull''': Because Mr. Caplan always says that I'm an airhead! ===For Whom the Bell Trolls=== :'''Rita''': To Earth you'll go :with your bottle in tow, :and when I say obey, :you'll do as I say! ===Happy Birthday, Zack=== :''[Billy notices Trini drawing]'' :'''Billy''': Her mastery of complex illustrated characters is most impressive. :''[Jason gives Kimberly a puzzled look]'' :'''Jason''' What did he say? :'''Kimberly''': Don't look at me. I don't speak Billy. :'''Trini''': He says I draw a good cartoon. Thanks, Billy. ===No Clowning Around=== :'''Rita''': Finster?! Finster! That fake carnival is working. The Power Pipsqueaks are falling for it! It's almost time for phase 2. Now, what about the clown? Is he ready? I don't want any mistakes. :'''Finster''': Oh, yes, my queen. I trained him myself. First, he'll use his magic power to turn the Power Rangers one by one into cardboard cut-outs. Then he'll transform into a horrible Pineoctopus, and terrorize the city! :'''Rita''': Excellent! Have him use that brat Sylvia as bait to get the rest of them. :''(she is about to leave, then turns to Finster for another warning)'' :'''Rita''': Finster, don't blow it this time! ''(leaves)'' :'''Finster''': Yes, oh, hideous one, of course, of course, of course! Whew. <hr width=50%/> :'''Squatt''': ''[looks through the telescope]'' Uh-oh! Hey! Whoa! Oh! Oh! Take a look! Come here, Baboo! Ooh, look at this! :''[Baboo looks through the telescope as Rita enters]'' :'''Baboo''': Oh, nasty one, that clown hasn't gotten the Power Geeks alone yet! :'''Rita''': Is he waiting for an invitation?! ''[slaps the balcony]'' GET THE POWER GEEKS!! :'''Squatt''': Whoa! Pineapple's making his move! I love it when a plan comes together! :'''Squatt and Baboo''': ''[chant]'' Get those Power Geeks! Get those Power Geeks! :'''Rita''': Oh, yeah! ===Switching Places=== :'''Zack''': He got our servo power circuits! :'''Jason''': You're right! ''[to Kimberly/Billy]'' Billy, you've got to rewire those servos to bypass the damage and tap into the power morphing system. We gotta get us more power before we get totaled!! :'''Kimberly/Billy''': I'll try! :'''Jason''': ''[to Billy/Kimberly and Trini]'' Kimberly, Trini, he'll need help! :'''Kimberly/Billy & Trini''': Right! <hr width=50%/> :'''Skull/Bulk''': Scarfing time! :'''Bulk/Skull''': Yeah, scarfing time. :'''Skull/Bulk''': ''[looking at Bulk/Skull who's hovering over Skull/Bulk's sub]'' You're breathing on my food! We gotta do something, We gotta find that Billy geek! Oh, right after I've finished my spaghetti and meatballs. :'''Bulk/Skull''': Yeah! Spaghetti and meatballs! ''[laughs]'' ===Big Sisters=== :'''Chunky Chicken''': Getting that kid to open the box is almost too easy. Rita's gonna be pleased! ===Green with Evil, Part 1: Out of Control=== :'''Green Ranger''': To the fall of the Power Rangers! I'll destroy you one and all! ===Green with Evil, Part 2: Jason's Battle=== :'''Goldar''': You know, Jason, if you had your Power Morpher, you could get out of here. :'''Jason''': What's your point? :''[Goldar drops the Morpher to the ground]'' :'''Goldar''': Come and get it, if you're brave enough. <hr width=50%/> :'''Goldar''': Rita has given you to me as a reward for my faithful service to her, like tossing some meat to a hungry lion. ===Green with Evil, Part 3: The Rescue=== :'''Jason''': You wear a Green Ranger costume, yet your loyalty is with Rita. :'''Green Ranger''': I am her Green Ranger, and she is my empress. :'''Jason''': She's evil. :'''Green Ranger''': Yeah, and so am I. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jason''': So, Goldar, how does it feel to be outsmarted by a human being? :'''Goldar''': No human's ever defeated Goldar! :'''Jason''': Well, I'm gonna change that! ===Green with Evil, Part 4: Eclipsing Megazord=== :''[during Goldar's rampage on the city, people exit the Youth Center, but just as Skull is about to leave, Bulk stops him]'' :'''Bulk''': Sit down! :'''Skull''': But, Bulk, the building's about to fall down! :'''Bulk''': I'm not finished with my ice cream yet. :''[suddenly, something falls from the ceiling in front of the duo, and Bulk quickly eats the rest of his ice cream]'' :'''Bulk''': Now, I'm finished! :''[he and Skull hurry out of the Youth Center, and Bulk gets brain freeze]'' <hr width=50%/> :''[the Rangers watch as the defeated Megazord sinks into a lava pit Zord by Zord]'' :'''Jason''': Our Zords! :'''Kimberly''': They're totaled! :'''Zack''': I can't believe it! It's like Rita destroyed a part of us. :'''Billy''': They were always there for us when we needed them. :'''Trini''': Now they're gone, just when we need them most. ===Green with Evil, Part 5: Breaking the Spell=== :'''Alpha''': Oh, Rita will rule the world! She'll enslave mankind! She'll destroy the Command Center again! She'll--- :'''Zack''': Okay. Okay, Alpha! You've made your point. :'''Alpha''': ''[calmly]'' Then you'll reconsider? :''[the Rangers agree]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Red Ranger''': We're back, and we're ready to morph into action! :'''Green Ranger''': Six working together to fight evil! :'''Black Ranger''': And stop Rita! :'''Blue Ranger''': And all her menacing monsters! :'''Yellow Ranger''': From destroying our planet Earth! :'''Pink Ranger''': And ruining the universe with evil! :'''Red Ranger''': Look out Rita, we're not backing down! 'Cause we're the... :'''All six Rangers''': Power Rangers! ===The Trouble with Shellshock=== :'''Zack''': ''[prepares to make a basket in basketball]'' Now, it's time for my Slamma-Jamma-Double-Whamma-Hip-Hoppit-'Cause-ya-Can't-Stop-it-Big-Disgrace-'Cause-it's-in-Your-Face long-shot! ===Itsy Bitsy Spider=== :'''Bulk''': ''[about Billy's lab mouse]'' Oh look, the geek's got a new mascot! :'''Skull''': Right! A new mascot. :'''Zack''': Well, he's smarter than some humans I know. <hr width=50%/> :'''Zack''': (sees the sleeping-powdered butterflies go after him) Aw man. Why'd it have to be bugs? If they catch me it's gonna be Rip Van Winkle time! ''[runs off]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Zack''': ''[to Spidertron]'' You've messed with my friends, and now I'm gonna mess with you! Time for you to learn what Mastodon power is all about. Let's see how you like my deep freeze! ===The Spit Flower=== :''[Kimberly looks at her model for the parade, completely damaged in the fight with the Putties]'' :'''Kim''': ''[tearfully]'' Look at my model. :'''Zack''': Man. They really demolished it. :'''Kim''': Without this model, they can't build the full-sized float. Now it won't be able to be in the parade. :'''Trini''': Oh, Kim, cheer up. There'll be other parades you can design floats for. :'''Kim''': Yeah, but Rita will probably wreck them, too. :'''Billy''': Well, perhaps we can simply reconstruct it. :'''Kim''': All that time and effort for nothing. :'''Tommy''': We can help you build a new one. :'''Trini''': Yeah. :'''Kim''': There's no way we can get more flowers in time. The model's due today. :''[she walks up to the Juice Bar counter]'' :'''Jason''': This Rita's a real witch. ===Life's a Masquerade=== :'''Billy''': ''[about to morph and fight Frankenstein]'' It's time for molecular transmutation! ===Gung Ho!=== :'''Bulk''': Hi, losers! :'''Skull''': Yeah! Losers! ===Wheel of Misfortune=== :'''Kimberly''': Bulk, be careful! You're such a clod. :'''Bulk''': She's makin' me mess up my lines! :''[he spins the spinning wheel at hyperspeed]'' :'''Kimberly''': Bulk? Not so fast! :''[the high speed of the wheel blows off Mr. Kaplan's toupee; Bulk guffaws at it; the wheel suddenly breaks]'' :'''Kimberly''': HEY!! :''[she looks at the busted wheel]'' :'''Kimberly''': Oh, no! You ruined my grandmother's spinning wheel!!! What is she gonna say?! :'''Mr. Kaplan''': Honestly, Bulk. Come on, kids. Let's take a break before somethin' ''else'' gets broken. :'''Bulk''': Don't get so bent outta shape, Kimberly! :'''Kimberly''': This happens to be ''very'' important to me. :''[she sets off in a huff]'' ===Island of Illusion, Part 1=== :'''Tommy''': What's the matter, Zack? :'''Zack''': That's the matter! That huge snake! Well, can't you see it? Can't you see it!? :'''Jason''': What snake?! :'''Zack''': It's gonna bite me! :'''Kimberly''': There's nothing there, Zack! :'''Trini''': Zack, there is no snake! :'''Zack''': I hate snakes! I HATE SNAKES!! ===Island of Illusion, Part 2=== :'''Zack''': Hey, man, thanks. Thanks for the pep talk. :'''Quagmire''': My pleasure. And welcome back. But the key was there inside you, Zack. <hr width=50%/> :''[Zack's fellow Ranger teens are impressed by his moves in the dance competition]'' :'''Jason''': Stylin' tunes. :'''Kim''': I know. Who's the D.J.? :''[to their surprise, the D.J. is none other than an old friend from the island]'' :'''Kim''': Look, you guys! It's Quasimodo! :'''Trini''': ''[laughs]'' Quagmire. ===The Rockstar=== :'''Squatt''': So, what's the plan, your evilness? :'''Rita''': To find the Mirror of Destruction. :'''Squatt''': The one that can destroy even Super Putties? :'''Rita''': Yes, into a million pieces! :'''Baboo''': That mirror's power will destroy anything reflected in it. Just one look at it, and those Rangers are history! We have to find it first! :'''Rita''': We'll start today. It's hidden on Earth. ===Calamity Kimberly=== :'''Billy''': Zordon, how do we battle this evil monster? :'''Trini''': And how are we gonna get Kimberly out of that jar? :'''Zordon''': Use your Zords, and you can defeat him. When the Fan Man is defeated, Kimberly will be free. :'''Trini''': But we need Tommy's help. :'''Jason''': And the power of the Dragonzord. :'''Zack''': He still doesn't look any better. :'''Jason''': Where are the creeps that did this to Tommy?! :'''Billy''': And trapped Kimberly? :'''Zordon''': My sensors have tracked them to the Putty Bowl Restaurant. Observe. :''[the 4 Rangers turn to the Viewing Globe and notice Goldar, Squatt, and Baboo having lunch with the Fan Man at said restaurant]'' :'''Squatt''': The dimension in the jar will disappear any minute, and so will Kimberly. :'''Baboo''': ''[uncorks the jar]'' And then, we'll make the other Power Rangers disappear. ''[peeks in the jar]'' Gettin' hungry, Kimberly? :'''Kimberly''': Let me go! Please! Let me go! :'''Alpha''': Poor Kimberly. :'''Jason''': We're outta here! ===A Star is Born=== :'''Bulk''': ''[after Skull accidentally spills lotion on him]'' You airhead! I wanna get a tan. Not a bath. ===The Yolk's on You!=== :''[Fang catches Goldar, Squatt, and Baboo eating his eggs]'' :'''Fang''': How could you?! :'''Squatt''': What do you mean? :'''Fang''': You ate my gooney bird eggs! You know how hard it is to find these?! You can't just walk into a store and buy these, you know! I was going to have these eggs for lunch! :'''Squatt''': Really? They were good. :'''Fang''': Were good?! ''[growls with rage]'' I'm going to tear you apart! ===The Green Candle, Part 1=== :'''Bulk''': Roses are red, violets are blue, no girl in the world's gonna go out with you. <hr width=50%/> :'''Tommy''': ''[to Bulk and Skull]'' Roses are red. :'''Zack''': Violets are blue. :'''Tommy and Zack''': We sure can learn something from you. NOT! ===The Green Candle, Part 2=== :'''Zack''': Jason, you gotta come back. Tommy's in big trouble. :'''Goldar''': You're ''all'' in trouble now! :'''Jason''': But if I don't get the candle in time, he'll lose his powers. :'''Zack''': If we don't get to him in time, he'll lose his life! <hr width=50%/> :'''Rita''': BURN, CANDLE, BURN! :'''Tommy''': No! You can't take my powers, Rita! I'm the Green Ranger! ===Birds of a Feather=== :'''Bulk''': Show 'em, Biff. ===Clean-Up Club=== :'''Bulk''': Hey Ernie, you think you could tape us working out? :'''Ernie''': You two? Working out? :'''Bulk''': Just point the camera! <hr width="50%"> :'''Bulk''': (after hitting the collected recyclables) I think, whenever possible, everything should be recycled! :(he crushes a can with his bare hands and faints) <hr width="50%"> :'''Jason''': Alright smog-breath, my friends need help. I call upon the power of the Dragon Shield!! ===A Bad Reflection on You=== :''[the Rangers are cornered by the Twin Man]'' :'''Jason''': Man! This guy's gettin' on my nerves! :'''Kim''': And to think I always liked mirrors. ===Doomsday, Part 1=== :'''Kim''': Mayor Carrington hopes that the mysterious superheroes will make a public appearance in Angel Grove Park, where countless fans will be gathered to celebrate them. I have a feeling the Power Rangers will show up... Don't you? :'''Jason''': I wouldn't be surprised. ===Doomsday, Part 2=== :'''Goldar''': Greetings, Power Rangers! I thought I'd drop by and say hello! (laughs) Before I say goodbye! ===A Pig Surprise=== :'''Pudgy Pig''': ''[to another pig]'' Come with me to the pigsty! ===Lions and Blizzards=== :'''Alpha''': Ah, another happy ending. :'''Zack''': Oh, no! :'''Trini''': Zack, what's wrong? :'''Zack''': Speakin' of happy endings, I left Angela sittin' back at the theater! If I don't get back before the curtain goes down, it's gonna be curtains for me. I'm outta here. See ya. :''[he teleports out; all of the other teenagers laugh afterwards]'' ===Rita's Seed of Evil=== :'''Squatt''': This will make Rita so happy, she'll probably give me that glow-in-the-dark toothpaste I've been wanting. ===Crystal of Nightmares=== :'''Mr. Caplan''': Class, since Miss Appleby is ill today, I thought I would fill in for her so I could deliver these test results personally. ''[hands the Rangers teens their test results]'' Congratulations. All of you got A's. :'''Kimberly''': Wow! Focusing on our studies really paid off. :'''Mr. Caplan''': But, you two,... ''[points at Bulk and Skull]'' Get up here. ''[Bulk and Skull do so]'' Read them and weep. :''[hands Bulk and Skull their test results; Bulk and Skull look at them]'' :'''Skull''': Hey, Bulk! The plan worked! We didn't get D's! No detention! :'''Bulk''': Will you shut up? :'''Mr. Caplan''': Do you know what F stands for, gentlemen? :'''Bulk''': Fun? :'''Skull''': Far out? :'''Mr. Caplan''': No! ''[steps up to the chalkboard and writes down the word...]'' "Forever"! Which is how long you're gonna be staying after school in my office! :'''Bulk''': That was my next guess. :'''Mr. Caplan''': I'm ''very'' disappointed in you, gentlemen! ''[waves his eraser at Bulk and Skull, causing Bulk to try to stifle a sneeze]'' What's the matter with him? :'''Skull''': TAKE COVER! :''[Bulk sneezes so hard, Mr. Caplan's toupee flies off and the students and Skull laugh at Mr. Caplan and Bulk]'' ===Something Fishy=== :'''Billy''': ''[has a flashback of his childhood]'' While on an outing, I had attempted to recreate what I'd recently learned about whirlpools. But my moving finger proved to be an enticement to one of the fish below. :''[in his flashback, a fish bites Billy on the finger with which he created a whirlpool in the pond]'' :'''Billy''': The fish actually bit me! <hr width="50%"> :'''Goofish''': ''[as the Megazord approaches]'' No! I had you finished, kaput, all fished out! ===To Flea or Not to Flee=== ===Reign of the Jellyfish=== :'''Bulk''': We did it! We finished... the BULKWICH!! :'''Skull''': Yeah! ''THE BULKWICH!!!'' ===Plague of the Mantis=== ===Return of an Old Friend, Part 1=== :''[the Rangers have given their Power Coins to Goldar]'' :'''Jason''': So now that you have what you want, Goldar, our Power Coins, give us back our parents! :'''Goldar''': You fools! Did you really think I'd return them back to you?! What for?! I intend to destroy the world! And now, nothing can stop me! :''[laughing evilly, he slams the box shut and disappears with it]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Kimberly''': All right. So, what do we do now? Goldar has all the Power Coins. :'''Jason''': Not all of 'em. We still have one. :''[he shows his fellow Ranger teens that the last remaining coin is the Dragon Coin]'' ===Return of an Old Friend, Part 2=== :''[after noticing Tommy]'' :'''Rita''': Huh?! What's he doing there?! :'''Goldar''': There is no way they can bring Green Ranger back! Impossible! :'''Rita''': He's lost his power, Goldar! :'''Squatt''': That's right! Thanks to Rita. :'''Baboo''': Brilliant! Brilliant! <hr width=50%/> :'''Mr. Caplan''': ''[in the midst of the frenzy at Parent's Day]'' Can't you do something about this mess?! :'''Miss Appleby''': Well, you know what they say: if you can't beat them, join them! :''[she splats a pie on Mr. Caplan's head beneath his toupee and laughs; Mr. Caplan tastes the pie]'' :'''Mr. Caplan''': Not bad! :''[he laughs and joins the frenzy]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Zack''': Well, you know they say: you're only as old as you feel. ===Grumble Bee=== :'''Billy''': I don't believe it! A "B"?! ===Two Heads are Better Than One=== :'''Tommy''': Remember, ladies, two heads are better than one. ===Fowl Play=== :''[Zack faces Peckster with 5 balloons on hand]'' :'''Billy''': It's good to see you, Zack. But don't you think this is a bad time for a party? :'''Zack''': Not if this idea works. Hey, Peckster, betcha can't bust these! :'''Peckster''': Excellent! Finally a little fun before dinner! :''[he pecks each of the balloons, but as he pecks the last one, which is a ball in disguise, his beak gets stuck in it]'' :'''Zack''': What's the matter, bird breath? Cat got your tongue? Or is it a ball got your beak? ===Enter... the Lizzinator=== :'''Jason''': What? Putties can drive? :''[he gets run over by a car driven by a Putty]'' :'''Jason''': Whoa, yup, they can drive! <hr width=50%/> :'''Lizzinator''': Very impressive, Red Ranger, but I have something else in mind we can play. :'''Jason''': Any game you want! :'''Lizzinator''': Then how about soccer? :''[he proceeds to kick a boulder at Jason]'' ===Trick or Treat=== :'''Bulk''': Trick or treat... :'''Skull''': Smell my feet! :'''Bulk''': It's time to meet... :'''Skull''': The dude to beat! ===On Fins and Needles=== :'''Tommy''': Hey. Why don't we make this interesting? If I destroy the shark, I take over as leader of the Power Rangers. :'''Jason''': And if I get it first, you turn in your Power Coin! :'''Tommy''': Fine! :'''Jason''': Fine! ===Second Chance=== ===Football Season=== :'''Red Ranger''': If you think you're gonna mess up our town... :'''Black Ranger''': Then you're way off-side! :'''Blue Ranger''': So pack up your ball and go home! :'''Yellow Ranger''': 'Cause we don't want your on our field! :'''Pink Ranger''': So punt yourself outta here! :'''Red Ranger''': Or you'll face the... :'''All five Rangers''': Power Rangers! <hr width=50%/> :'''Rhinoblaster''': Fourth quarter, Ranger, and time's runnin' out! ===Mighty Morphin' Mutants=== :'''Crayfish''': Now we'll show you who the real Rangers are! :'''Blue Mutant''': I'm after you, Blue! :'''Yellow Mutant''': Hey, Trini, you wanna play, too? :'''Black Mutant''': Nice to meet ya, Zack! :'''Pink Mutant''': Told ya I'd be back! <hr width=50%/> :'''Crayfish''': Let's finish them off, Mutants! Charge! :''[he and his Mutant Rangers charge at the Zords]'' :'''Rangers''': We need Ultrazord Power now! :''[Ultrazord is formed]'' :'''Crayfish''': Huh?! Hold it! Pull back! Pull back! ===An Oyster Stew=== :'''Oysterizer''': Your end is near, victory is mine! ==Season 2 (1994-1995)== ===The Mutiny, Part 1=== :'''Zedd''': I am Lord Zedd, emperor of all I see. You have failed to complete the mission assigned to you. ''I'' will now resume command! Prepare the palace for my return! <hr width=50%/> :'''Rita''': ''[as Zedd banishes her into space]'' I'll be back! You haven't seen the last of Rita Repulsa! ===The Mutiny, Part 2=== :''[Four of the Zords have been frozen by Pirantishead.]'' :'''[[w:Lord Zedd|Lord Zedd]]''': Ah, perfect. :'''[[w:Goldar|Goldar]]''': But Tyrannosaurus is still on the loose! :'''[[w:Lord Zedd|Lord Zedd]]''': That is all part of my plan. Their own weapon will be their undoing when my monster turns the Tyrannosaurus ''against'' the Rangers! <hr width=50%/> :''[Tommy leaves to join the battle.]'' :'''[[w:Zordon|Zordon]]''': And may the Power protect them all. <hr width=50%/> :'''[[w:Pirantishead|Pirantishead]]''': Ho-ho, what fun! Your ''own'' Zords'll finish you off! <hr width=50%/> :''[Zordon is showing the Thunder Zords to the Rangers, via holograms in the sky.]'' :'''[[w:Zordon|Zordon]]''': Jason, you will control the Red Dragon ThunderZord. His power is fierce and true. Trini, yours shall be the Griffin ThunderZord, swift and accurate. Zack, the Lion ThunderZord will have courage and strength. Billy, your Unicorn ThunderZord has mythological powers and wisdom. Kimberly, the Firebird ThunderZord shall be yours, powerful and agile. When joined together, all shall form the Thunder MegaZord. :'''[[w:Jason Lee Scott|Jason]]''': These new Zords are amazing. :'''[[w:Billy Cranston|Billy]]''': Woah... morphinominal. :'''[[w:Zachary Taylor (Power Rangers character)|Zack]]''': Lord Zedd is in for it now. :''[Kimberly glances over at the solemn-looking Tommy.]'' :'''[[w:Kimberly Hart|Kimberly]]''': Uhm, what about Tommy? :'''[[w:Alpha 5|Alpha 5]]''': It's not yet known whether or not Tommy's powers will remain. :'''[[w:Thomas Oliver|Tommy]]''': It's alright, guys. We knew this might happen. I just wish there was something I could do about it. :''[Tommy looks up at the Thunder Zords.]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''[[w:Lord Zedd|Lord Zedd]]''': Yes, carry on, my Pirantishead monster. Destroy Angel Grove. Soon, the whole world will be under my command! <hr width=50%/> :'''[[w:Jason Lee Scott|Jason]]''': We gotta morph! :'''[[w:Zachary Taylor (Power Rangers character)|Zack]]''': I'm with you. There's no telling what that fish is up to next. :'''[[w:Zordon|Zordon]]''': Rangers, I understand your concern, and I commend you for it. But without your Zords, you will not be able to defeat this monster, and might be seriously hurt in the process. Angel Grove and the world cannot afford that. <hr width=50%/> :'''[[w:Lord Zedd|Lord Zedd]]''': Now, where are those pathetic Rangers? Ah, perfect. Out in the open. Just where I want them. :'''[[w:Goldar|Goldar]]''': What do you have in mind, Lord Zedd? :'''[[w:Lord Zedd|Lord Zedd]]''' ''[chuckles]'': Just a little game of Cat and Mouse. <hr width=50%/> :''[Pirantishead is approaching Bulk and Skull.]'' :'''[[w:Eugene "Skull" Skullovitch|Skull]]''': Bulk, are we near a river? :'''[[w:Farkas "Bulk" Bulkmeier|Bulk]]''': No... what's the matter with you? :'''[[w:Eugene "Skull" Skullovitch|Skull]]''': Behind you... is a fish! A giant fish! ''A humongous fish!'' :'''[[w:Pirantishead|Pirantishead]]''': ''[laughs]'' Hello, boys! :''[Bulk and Skull scream wildly.]'' :'''[[w:Pirantishead|Pirantishead]]''': Going my way? :''[Pirantishead blasts their four-wheelers, making them spin out of control.]'' ===The Mutiny, Part 3=== :'''[[w:Lord Zedd|Lord Zedd]]''': You are a witness to greatness, Goldar. It is only a matter of time until I hold this world in the palm of my hand, to crush at will. The Power Rangers' efforts are futile. They'll never regain control of their old Zords. Without them, they are nothing. <hr width=50%/> :'''[[w:Lord Zedd|Lord Zedd]]''': Now the time is at hand. The Power Rangers will witness the mass destruction of all they have fought to protect. The first wave of attack will be against those annoying humans called teenagers. After that? Heh. After that, the rest of the world shall easily fall. <hr width=50%/> :'''[[w:Lord Zedd|Lord Zedd]]''': ''NO!'' This can't be! I will not tolerate being outsmarted by those Power Rangers! :'''[[w:Goldar|Goldar]]''': They've regained control of their Zords. :'''[[w:Lord Zedd|Lord Zedd]]''': Not for long. I'll strip the Zords' power and return them to the depths of the Earth from whence they came! <hr width=50%/> :''[Pirantishead has grown to giant size.]'' :'''[[w:Pirantishead|Pirantishead]]''': I'm hungry! :'''[[w:Jason Lee Scott|Jason]]''': Without out Zords, we don't stand a chance. :''[Pirantishead glances down at the Rangers.]'' :'''[[w:Pirantishead|Pirantishead]]''': Ah, lunch! <hr width=50%/> :'''[[w:Zordon|Zordon]]''': Rangers, you must face Pirantishead again. Call for the new Zords when you need them, and they will come. Tommy, your powers are too weak to support a new Zord. I'm sorry. :''[Tommy drops his head.]'' :'''[[w:Alpha 5|Alpha 5]]''': He can still morph, he just can't power a Zord. We'll keep trying to find a way to regenerate Tommy's powers, but right now, you've got to go and save Angel Grove and the world! <hr width=50%/> :''[The Rangers summon the Thunder Zords for the first time.]'' :'''[[w:Zachary Taylor (Power Rangers character)|Zack]]''': Mastodon, Lion ThunderZord Power! :'''[[w:Kimberly Hart|Kimberly]]''': Pterodactyl, Firebird ThunderZord Power! :'''[[w:Billy Cranston|Billy]]''': Triceratops, Unicorn ThunderZord Power! :'''[[w:Trini Kwan|Trini]]''': Saber-Toothed Tiger, Griffin ThunderZord Power! :'''[[w:Jason Lee Scott|Jason]]''': Tyrannosaurus, Red Dragon ThunderZord Power! <hr width=50%/> :'''[[w:Alpha 5|Alpha 5]]''': Now that's more like it. Get 'em, Power Rangers. Reel in that overgrown guppy and send him back where he came from! <hr width=50%/> :''[The Thunder MegaZord is formed.]'' :'''[[w:Lord Zedd|Lord Zedd]]''': Zordon and his surprises. Well, they're not going to do him any good ''this'' time! <hr width=50%/> :'''[[w:Thomas Oliver|Tommy]]''': Wow. Those new Zords are amazing. :'''[[w:Alpha 5|Alpha 5]]''': Yes, they are. But don't be sad. We'll find some way to bring your powers up to full. <hr width=50%/> :'''[[w:Pirantishead|Pirantishead]]''': I'll tear you apart with my bare fins! <hr width=50%/> :'''[[w:Pirantishead|Pirantishead]]''': Power Rangers, prepare to meet your doom! <hr width=50%/> :'''[[w:Lord Zedd|Lord Zedd]]''': ''NO!'' I don't believe it. This is not the end, by any means. Zordon and his stupid Power Rangers ''shall not prevail again!'' :''[Cut to Finster's laboratory.]'' :'''[[w:Finster|Finster]]''': Hmph. Well, if he'd used one of my monsters, none of this would've ever happened. :''[Cut back to the Chamber of Command.]'' :'''[[w:Lord Zedd|Lord Zedd]]''': ''[roars angrily]'' I was so close to ridding myself of those annoying Power pests, but now, all that is ruined. :'''[[w:Goldar|Goldar]]''': I'm sorry you failed, Excellency. :'''[[w:Lord Zedd|Lord Zedd]]''': ''I didn't fail, you simpering twit! You failed! You all failed, just like you failed before! [roars again]'' :'''[[w:Baboo|Baboo]]''': Uh, did we do something wrong? :'''[[w:Lord Zedd|Lord Zedd]]''': ''SILENCE!'' They have won this time, but none of us shall rest until the Rangers are completely destroyed, and the Earth is reduced to mere cinders! ''[laughs]'' <hr width=50%/> :''[Zordon, Alpha 5 and the teens watch Rita on the viewing globe]'' :'''[[w:Rita|Rita]]''': ''[sings]'' 99 bottles of slime on the wall. 99 bottles of slime. You take one down, you pass it around. 98 bottles of slime on the wall! :''[Jason, Kimberly, Billy, Trini, Zack, Tommy, Alpha and Zordon break into laughter]'' :'''[[w:Zordon|Zordon]]''': ''[sings]'' 99 bottles of slime on the wall, 99 bottles of slime...! :''[they resume laughing]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Mr. Caplan''': Here they come, ladies and gentlemen, the leaders are entering the whole stretch! ===The Wanna-Be Ranger=== :'''Primator''': Prepare to meet your doom! I am Primator! <hr width=50%/> :'''Trini''': Where are the others, you guys? :'''Billy''': I'm not sure. We all teleported together. :'''Jason''': Keep your eyes open. ''[sees a weakening "Green Ranger" ahead]'' Look! There's Tommy! :'''Fake Green Ranger''': You guys! I'm losin' my powers! That ape was just too much! Why don't we just give up? :''[Jason kicks him]'' :'''Jason''': The real Tommy would never give up so easily, you bone-headed baboon! :'''Fake Green Ranger''': Soon you're all going to wish you gave up! :'''Billy''': ''[extracts his mirror]'' Why don't we try a little experiment, Tommy? Let's see if reflective light brings out a whole new you. ''[hands the fake Green Ranger the mirror]'' Go on. Take a look. :''[the fake Green Ranger looks at his reflection]'' :'''Fake Green Ranger''': So what am I supposed to see? :''[part of his helmet turns red]'' :'''Billy''': My, how colorful. :''[the fake Green Ranger growls and turns back into Primator]'' ===Putty on the Brain=== :'''Billy''': Zack, be careful! He could turn up the heat and barbecue you anytime he wants! :'''Zack''': Aw, this guy's nothin'. :'''Saliguana''': Nothin'?! I'll show you nothin'! Here's a very hot somethin'! :''[he spews fire at the Blue and Black Rangers]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Kimberly''': Zack, are you okay? :'''Zack''': ''[still sees her as a Putty]'' Kimberly?! :'''Miss Appleby''': Zack, do you have something to say? :''[Zack pauses for a moment]'' :'''Kimberly''': Quit foolin' around. :'''Zack''': No, ma'am. :'''Miss Appleby''': I don't want anyone to say another word. :''[Skull pushes the play button on his tape recorder]'' :'''Recording of Miss Appleby''': Another word. :'''Skull''': ''[nervously]'' Uh-oh! ===Bloom of Doom=== :'''Kim''': All right, so you slimeballs actually have members in your club? :'''Bulk''': Yeah! Lots of 'em, too. :'''Skull''': 'Course, we had to bribe 'em with free food. But what the heck? Wanna join? :'''Kim''': Not in this lifetime. :'''Bulk''': Too bad. 'Cause our first gig is to find the true identities of the Power Rangers. :'''Skull''': Yeah. We heard 'em talking, and now all we hafta do is find voices that match what we heard. ''[sticks his mic in front of the Pink Ranger teen]'' Cool! Huh? :'''Kim''': Get a life, dimwit! ''[storms off in a huff]'' :'''Skull''': She's definitely ''not'' a Power Ranger. :'''Bulk''': She's in a fight with Trini or somethin'. I don't know. <hr width=50%/> :'''Bulk''': Listen up! We will now expose the Power Rangers' true identities! Turn it on, Skull! :'''Zack''': You mean you think you found out who they are? :'''Bulk''': We'll just play this tape and see if we recognize the voices we heard. Roll it, Skull. :''[Skull presses play on the cassette recorder, but only squeaky distortion is heard]'' :'''Skull''': NO WAY! :''[he stops the cassette and opens the recorder to find the eaten cassette]'' :'''Skull''': Oh. Faulty tape. :'''Bulk''': Can't you do anything right?! ===The Green Dream=== :'''[[w:Lord Zedd|Lord Zedd]]''': Are those dreams wearing you down, dear Tommy? Aww. When I get hold of the Sword of Power, your dream will become a real nightmare, and my dream a reality! <hr width=50%/> :'''[[w:RoboGoat|RoboGoat]]''': I am RoboGoat, ready to butt heads with the Power Rangers! <hr width=50%/> :'''[[w:RoboGoat|RoboGoat]]''': Once I have your powers, Lord Zedd will be unstoppable! :'''[[w:Jason Lee Scott|Jason]]''': No way, RoboGoat! Even one Ranger can take you out! :'''[[w:RoboGoat|RoboGoat]]''': Why don't you ask your friend the Green Ranger how easy it was? You're next, Red Ranger! <hr width=50%/> :'''[[w:Lord Zedd|Lord Zedd]]''': Curses to you, you meddling Power Rangers, for destroying my precious RoboGoat. And you! You cost me the Sword of Power! :'''[[w:Goldar|Goldar]]''': I'm sorry I failed you, Master... :'''[[w:Lord Zedd|Lord Zedd]]''': I don't know why I don't clip your wings, you overgrown monkey. And you two! You two are just as useless. I should clip your ears and throw you in the trash with Rita! :'''[[w:Baboo|Baboo]]''': We didn't do anything! :'''[[w:Squatt|Squatt]]''': Yeah, we're innocent! :'''[[w:Lord Zedd|Lord Zedd]]''': Well, all is not lost, underlings. Although we held the Sword of Power for but a short time, the Green Ranger's powers are now a very short story indeed. And the final chapter? The final chapter is still being written. <hr width=50%/> :'''[[w:Thomas Oliver|Tommy]]''': I'm at the end, guys. :'''[[w:Kimberly Hart|Kimberly]]''': Tommy, don't say that. :'''[[w:Thomas Oliver|Tommy]]''': My powers are almost gone. That's what my dreams have been telling me, it's what I've been feeling inside. :'''[[w:Jason Lee Scott|Jason]]''': Man, you've been through it before. You came back strong. :'''[[w:Thomas Oliver|Tommy]]''': Not this time. It's different This time it's for good. Lord Zedd's had it in for me ever since the beginning. And he's closing in. ===The Power Stealer=== :'''[[w:Lord Zedd|Lord Zedd]]''': Welcome, Green Ranger. Glad you could drop by. In no time at all you'll be a powerless shell. But don't worry... your friends will be joining you soon! ===The Beetle Invasion=== ===Welcome to Venus Island=== ===The Song of Guitardo=== :'''[[w:Guitardo|Guitardo]]''' ''[singing]'': Succumb to me / Your thoughts are mine / See my music fill your mind <hr width=50%/> :'''[[w:Guitardo|Guitardo]]''': Well, Pink Ranger, aren't you the songwriter? Let's see if you can come up with some lyrics for this little tune! <hr width=50%/> :'''[[w:Thomas Oliver|Tommy]]''': I have to morph, Zordon. Powers or not, I just can't stand by and watch my friends be destroyed. Kimberly can't hold out much longer on her own. :'''[[w:Alpha 5|Alpha 5]]''': But Tommy, it's much too dangerous! :'''[[w:Thomas Oliver|Tommy]]''': I don't care. I'm a Power Ranger 'til the end. <hr width=50%/> :'''[[w:Guitardo|Guitardo]]''': Not bad, Greenie. :'''[[w:Thomas Oliver|Tommy]]''': Yeah, but you haven't seen anything yet. :'''[[w:Kimberly Hart|Kimberly]]''': Give it up, Guitardo! :'''[[w:Guitardo|Guitardo]]''': Intermission, I'll take a bow. But soon you'll be mine anyhow. Don't just stand and stare, join me at the fair! :''[He teleports away.]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''[[w:Guitardo|Guitardo]]''' ''[singing]'': Listen hard, and listen good / I got you like I knew I would ===Green No More, Part 1=== :'''Zedd''': Pay attention, Goldar. The siphoning to the crystal is nearly complete. When the Green Ranger is rendered completely powerless, I want you to see to it... :''[Turban Shell reappears]'' :'''Zedd''': Huh?! What are you doing back here, you worthless worm?! :'''Turban Shell''': I had to recharge my shell, your hideousness. :'''Zedd''': You're supposed to be fighting the Power Rangers! :'''Turban Shell''': I had them on the ropes, Lord Zedd. :'''Zedd''': What?! :'''Turban Shell''': Well, I almost... :'''Zedd''': And you let them go when you could've finished them?! You mollusk brain! Get back down there, and fight until the Green Ranger is through! Do you understand?! :'''Turban Shell''': As you command, oh patient one. I shall not fail you. ''[disappears]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Zack:''' You guys don't know what you're doin'! :'''Jason:''' When Zedd is through with you, he'll destroy you, too! :'''Black Dark Ranger:''' No one's ever given us a chance like Lord Zedd has. He's promised us his loyalty! :'''Billy:''' Listen to us! The only person Lord Zedd is loyal to is himself. :'''Zedd:''' Silence! Enough of your bleating. I have other matters to attend to, such as watching the destruction of the Green Ranger. :'''Kimberly:''' What have you done with him? Where is he? :'''Zedd:''' He's somewhere in the Other World. He is powerless now, and of no concern to me, just like the five of you are now! What you are about to see is my Dark Rangers taking their rightful places. Then they shall begin the destruction of the world! ===Green No More, Part 2=== :''[Goldar appears before Turban Shell just as he is about to finish off Tommy]'' :'''Goldar''': Stand aside, underling. I shall finish this. :'''Turban Shell''': No way! The green one is mine! :'''Goldar''': Obey my order, worm, lest I feed you to the birds! Our master has other plans for you. Go! :'''Turban Shell''': Very well. ''[disappears]'' ===Missing Green=== :''[Jason keeps failing at his karate training.]'' :'''[[w:Jason Lee Scott|Jason]]''': I just can't. :'''[[w:Zachary Taylor (Power Rangers character)|Zack]]''': Man, what's wrong? I know, it's Tommy. You miss him. :'''[[w:Jason Lee Scott|Jason]]''': It's more than that. :'''[[w:Zachary Taylor (Power Rangers character)|Zack]]''': What? :'''[[w:Jason Lee Scott|Jason]]''': It's my fault he lost his powers in the first place. If I had gotten the Green Candle, he'd still be one of us! :'''[[w:Zachary Taylor (Power Rangers character)|Zack]]''': Come on, Jase, you had no choice. I know, I was there. :'''[[w:Jason Lee Scott|Jason]]''': No. I should've gotten the candle. <hr width=50%/> :'''[[w:Lord Zedd|Lord Zedd]]''': Rita's Green Candle was just the beginning. ''These'' are the end! I wonder how the Red Ranger will feel after the remaining Rangers' powers have been drained and extinguished, as once again he stands powerless to stop it. <hr width=50%/> :'''[[w:Goldar|Goldar]]''': This sliver of green wax is all that remains of your Green friend's power. Funny that it's final act is to light the flame that will strip you of your powers! And just like the Green Ranger... your time as Power Rangers will burn to nothing! <hr width=50%/> :'''[[w:Zordon|Zordon]]''': Jason, the other Rangers wanted you to win the Golden Pipe Karate Trophy, but they knew you were worried about Tommy. The Rangers went to find him. :'''[[w:Jason Lee Scott|Jason]]''': That trophy means nothing without my friends here to share it. Alpha, you ''have'' to locate them. :'''[[w:Alpha 5|Alpha 5]]''': I'm trying, Jason, I'm trying! Aye yai yai yai yai! <hr width=50%/> :'''[[w:Zordon|Zordon]]''': Lord Zedd has sent his new Pipebrain monster to attack Angel Grove. He is very swift and powerful. Jason, you must stop him. :'''[[w:Jason Lee Scott|Jason]]''': But Zordon, I'll need my friends. :'''[[w:Alpha 5|Alpha 5]]''': Jason! I finally found them! :'''[[w:Jason Lee Scott|Jason]]''': Where are they, Alpha? :'''[[w:Zordon|Zordon]]''': As I feared, the other Rangers are being held prisoner in Lord Zedd's Dimension of Doom. Goldar is about to take advantage of the one weakness of the Power Team. :'''[[w:Goldar|Goldar]]''': ''[on the Viewing Globe]'' As soon as the candles melt, your powers will be gone forever! :''[Jason is furious.]'' :'''[[w:Zordon|Zordon]]''': Jason, you must control your anger. This is exactly the reaction Lord Zedd wants. You must not allow him to gain the upper hand. Red Ranger, come stand before me. :''[Jason does so.]'' :'''[[w:Zordon|Zordon]]''': Jason, a true leader is always faced with tough decisions. He must control his emotions, and act based on who has the greatest need. :'''[[w:Alpha 5|Alpha 5]]''': Jason, you made the right decision when you left Tommy's candle. :'''[[w:Zordon|Zordon]]''': The other Rangers needed you then, as they need you now. <hr width=50%/> :''[To Jason.]'' :'''[[w:Goldar|Goldar]]''': My life is dedicated to destroying ''you!'' <hr width=50%/> :'''[[w:Lord Zedd|Lord Zedd]]''': I don't understand it. The more I divide them, the more they come together. I swear, I will find a way to destroy them, even if I have to scour the entire galaxy to do it. ===Orchestral Maneuvers in the Park=== ===Beauty and the Beast=== ===White Light, Part 1=== :'''[[w:Lord Zedd|Lord Zedd]]''': I detect a sudden weakness in the Morphing Grid. :'''[[w:Goldar|Goldar]]''': Our armies have been getting stronger, my Lord. I knew if we kept working-- :'''[[w:Lord Zedd|Lord Zedd]]''': Silence, you fool! It is more than that! The Morphing Grid's balance is maintained by the constant struggle between Zordon and myself. :'''[[w:Goldar|Goldar]]''': Maybe Zordon finally gave up. :'''[[w:Lord Zedd|Lord Zedd]]''': Or is somehow damaged. Either way, now is the perfect chance to retrieve the former Green Ranger. :'''[[w:Goldar|Goldar]]''': Without Zordon, the Power Rangers will be powerless to stop us! :'''[[w:Lord Zedd|Lord Zedd]]''': Still, we'll give them a little something to keep them occupied and out of our way: Nimrod, the Scarlet Sentinel! ''[laughs]'' :''[Zedd fires a lightning bolt to Earth, inititating Nimrod's birth.] :'''[[w:Lord Zedd|Lord Zedd]]''': We must celebrate. The Green Ranger will soon return to the dark side and take his place as heir to my throne! ===White Light, Part 2=== :'''Tommy''': ''(exposes his White Ranger identity)'' Guess who's back? :''(his fellow Ranger teens are surprised to see their old friend again)'' :'''Billy''': I don't believe it! :''(Zordon smiles and chuckles as Jason, Trini, Zack, and Billy walk up to Tommy and greet him)'' :'''Zack''': Whassup, man? Aw, you look good! :'''Tommy''': Thanks, man. :'''Zack''': We didn't know who it was gonna be. I mean... :'''Billy''': We were all hopin' it would be you. Especially Kimberly. :''(Tommy looks down and sees Kimberly out cold on the ground)'' :'''Tommy''': Speakin' of Kimberly... :''(he walks up to Kim and kneels down to her)'' :'''Tommy''': Hey, beautiful. It's time to wake up. :''(Kimberly does so)'' :'''Kimberly''': I don't believe it. I must be dreaming. Is it really you? :'''Tommy''': In the flesh. :''(the 2 embrace)'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tommy has become the White Ranger.]'' :'''Kimberly''': But Zordon, how? I mean, I thought Tommy's powers were gone for good. :'''Alpha''': Not Tommy's. The Green Ranger's powers were gone for good. :'''Zordon''': That is correct. However, Tommy has proven himself to be worthy and true. His courage, strength, and honor allowed us to choose him to be the new White Ranger. This time, his powers have been created by the light of goodness and can never be taken away by the forces of evil. <hr width=50%/> :''[Upon seeing Bulk and Skull.]'' :'''Rita''': Oh, great! Just what I need. A human Squatt and Baboo. ===Two for One=== :'''Lipsyncher''': What's the matter, Ranger? Can't face the music?! :'''Jason''': Wanna bet?! :'''Lipsyncher''': Think those fists'll stop me? :''[the Red Ranger gives her a big scratch on the face with his Power Sword]'' :'''Lipsyncher''': ''[clenches her fists with total anger]'' Ohh! My beautiful face! How could you?! :''[cut back to Zedd's palace]'' :'''Zedd''': Enough of this foolish vanity! ''[growls]'' I'll stop that miserable creature's complaining! ''[throws a growth bomb]'' Grow! And destroy the Red Ranger! ===Opposites Attract=== :'''[[w:Magnet Brain (Power Rangers)|Magnet Brain]]''': North is south, up is down, I'm about to trash this town! ===Zedd's Monster Mash=== :'''[[w:Lord Zedd|Lord Zedd]]''': Ah, Halloween. Little children dressed as hideous creatures, demanding treats from perfect strangers. Finally, a holiday I can sink my teeth into! <hr width=50%/> :'''[[w:Baboo|Baboo]]''': Do we get to dress up? I always wanted to be Little Bo Peep! <hr width=50%/> :''[Tommy has been ambushed be a trio of monsters.]'' :'''[[w:Thomas Oliver|Tommy]]''': I thought we turned you into squash, Pumpkin Rapper! :'''[[w:Pumpkin Rapper|Pumpkin Rapper]]''' ''[rapping]'': Maybe ya did / But it's time to get sad / 'Cause of Lord Zedd's power / We're back and we're bad! ===The Ninja Encounter, Part 1=== ===The Ninja Encounter, Part 2=== ===The Ninja Encounter, Part 3=== ===Zedd Waves=== :'''Beam Caster''': I'm takin' over the airwaves, and your brainwaves! <hr width=50%/> :'''Bulk''': ''[hypnotized]'' Hail Lord Zedd. :'''Skull''': ''[also hypnotized]'' Hail Lord Bread. ===A Monster of Global Proportions=== ===The Power Transfer, Part 1=== ===The Power Transfer, Part 2=== :'''[[w:Silver Horns|Silver Horns]]''': I'm as happy as a wolf in a house full of hens! ===Goldar's Vice-Versa=== :''(Bulk and Skull hide from 2 female bullies behind the counter of Ernie's juice bar)'' :'''Ernie''': Hey! You guys can't be back here. :'''Bulk''': Please, Ernie. Just until they go away. <hr width=50%/> :'''[[w:Zordon|Zordon]]''': Due to the combined strength of Goldar and Scorpina, Thunder MegaZord and White TigerZord power may not be enough. I have instructed Alpha to boost the power output of the Thunder UltraZord. Call on it if you find it necessary. <hr width=50%/> :'''[[w:Thomas Oliver|Tommy]]''': Hey Scorpina, meet the TigerZord! <hr width=50%/> :'''[[w:Scorpina|Scorpina]]''': He who fights and runs away... :'''[[w:Goldar|Goldar]]''': ...Lives to fight another day! <hr width=50%/> :'''Female punk 1''': Yoo-hoo! :''[Rocky and Adam are incredulous as two female punks show up to the youth center dressed like Bulk and Skull. The first female punk is similar to Skull and is the dominant of the two. Her friend is overweight like Bulk and follows her.]'' :'''Female punk 1''': Bulky-kins! :'''Female punk 2''': Skullsy-poo! :'''Rocky''': Hey, what's wrong, Bulk? :'''Bulk''': They want to ask us to the dance! We should go Skull! :'''Skull''': Yeah, we wouldn't want to be late for detention, knowing how Mr. Caplan gets! :''[Bulk and Skull try to make a getaway, but the two female punks follow them. The second female punk stops for a moment to eat a cookie before resuming to chase after the duo with her friend.]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Bulk''':''[reading the final note]'' We still have what you've been looking for. Turn around! :''[Bulk and Skull are confronted by the two female punk bullies.]'' :'''Female punk 2''': Hi Skullsy-pie! :'''Female punk 1''': Miss me, Bulky-Puss? :'''Bulk''': What are you two doing here? :'''Female punk 2''': Did you get our itty-bitty notes? :'''Bulk''': Wait a minute. You wrote those! :'''Female punk 1''': Of course! And we still have what you've been looking for. :'''Bulk''': What is it that you could possibly have that we would want? :'''Skull''': Yeah, what? :'''Female punks 1 and 2''': True Love! Hit it! :''[The two female bullies takes Bulk and Skull to the center and dances with them. It soon ends with them forcefully kissing the duo. The girls congratulate each other as the Rangers laugh]'' ===Mirror of Regret=== ===When is a Ranger Not a Ranger?=== :'''Zedd''': When is a Ranger not a Ranger :when his image is scattered to bits? :And a Ranger is in danger :when his memory is on the... on the... :'''Squatt''': ...On the fritz? :'''Zedd''': I would've gotten it! :'''Squatt''': Yeah, in a couple of million years, maybe. ===Rocky Just Wants to Have Fun=== :'''[[w:Lord Zedd|Lord Zedd]]''': So, Rocky likes to have fun. I'll fix it so that's ''all'' he wants to have! :'''[[w:Goldar|Goldar]]''': But why? :'''[[w:Lord Zedd|Lord Zedd]]''': "Why?" Fool! Because while that pachinko-playing Power Pest is having fun, the Rangers will be at less than full strength, allowing me to destroy them! Then Angel Grove, and then the entire world will be my toy. ===Lights, Camera, Action=== :'''[[w:Thomas Oliver|Tommy]]''': Lights, camera, we're morphin' into action! <hr width=50%/> :'''[[w:Show Biz Monster|Show Biz Monster]]''': Every scene's a fight scene! ===Where There's Smoke, There's Fire=== :'''Bulk''': As official members of the Angel Grove Wannabe Firefighters Club, we prepared a special slide presentation illustrating the dangers of my father operating a barbecue. :'''Skull''': Yeah! So pay attention. :'''Bulk''': These slides represent a famous event in 1993: Bulkmeier family barbecue, known across the country to firefighters as... "The Big One". <hr width=50%/> :'''Skull''': You know, Bulk, fire is kinda scary. So what if we just yell "fire!", and then maybe the Power Rangers will show up and save us so we won't have to be near a real fire? :'''Bulk''': Don't be such a wimp! Fire doesn't scare me. And besides, the Power Rangers are too smart for that! :''[Flamehead spews fire on a barrel behind Bulk; Skull notices and gasps]'' :'''Skull''': ''[under his breath; points at the burning barrel]'' Fire. Fire! :'''Bulk''': Look, you bonehead! I just told you that the Rangers are too smart to fall for that! :'''Skull''': Fire! Fire! :'''Bulk''': Wait a minute. I smell smoke! :''[he turns around and notices the burning barrel]'' :'''Bulk''': FIRE! :''[the duo panics and retreats to the lake]'' ===Scavenger Hunt=== ===The Great Bookala Escape=== :'''Zedd''': You missed the target! I'm surprised you even hit the Earth! It's only 6,000 miles wide! :'''Goldar''': We must recharge, master. :'''Zedd''': Don't even say it. I hear by proclaim no more using the word "recharge" ever again! ===Forever Friends=== :'''[[w:Thomas Oliver|Tommy]]''': ''[To Goldar]'' I'll stay here and handle Buckethead! <hr width=50%/> :'''[[w:Lord Zedd|Lord Zedd]]''': [''After being defeated''] Ah, Goldar, approach me. <hr width=50%/> :'''Zedd''': Goldar, never send putties to do your job! This is all your fault because of your bumbling, I don't even have any prisoners! Now go and destroy the White Ranger! ===A Reel Fish Story=== :'''Crayfish''': More Power Rangers?! :'''Slippery Shark''': Huh?! Where did they come from?! :'''Goo Fish''': I don't know, but they sure are ugly! :'''Tommy''': It's time to throw you rejects overboard. :'''Pirantishead''': You 6 won't even make a full meal. ===Rangers Back in Time, Part 1=== ===Rangers Back in Time, Part 2=== :''[Zedd is furious with Goldar's demands of Bulk and Skull to surrender the photo of the Rangers]'' :'''Zedd''': You're 7 feet tall, lamebrain! Just take it from them! <hr width=50%/> :'''Zedd''': I can't believe that bubblehead said that! I need some real monsters down there! ''[uses his Z-staff]'' Monsters arise! ===The Wedding, Part 1=== ===The Wedding, Part 2=== ===The Wedding, Part 3=== ===Return of the Green Ranger, Part 1=== :'''Wizard''': You'll do as I command. :'''Bulk and Skull''': ''[under his spell]'' Yes, master. :'''Wizard''': You shall go and seek a human named Tommy, and bring me a sample of his hair, so that I may clone another of his image and strength. ''[hands the bullies a pair of scissors]'' :'''Bulk and Skull''': Yes, master. :'''Wizard''': Now, go. :'''Bulk and Skull''': Yes, master. :'''Wizard''': ''[annoyed]'' Now, go. :'''Bulk and Skull''': Yes, master. :'''Wizard''': ''[furiously]'' NOW, GO!! :''[he zaps Bulk and Skull's feet with his wand, forcing them to run off; the wizard shakes his head in annoyance]'' :'''Wizard''': Humans. <hr width=50%/> :'''Fake Tommy''': Hello, Tommy. Allow me to introduce myself. :'''Tommy''': What's going on? Who are you? :'''Fake Tommy''': I'm the Green Ranger. :'''Tommy''': If you're like me, you can't be evil. :'''Fake Tommy''': Let's face it - we all have our dark sides. :'''Tommy''': My dark side's faded with the Green Ranger's powers. :'''Fake Tommy''': I ''am'' the Green Ranger! Only I'm more powerful than you, White Ranger. So, are you gonna fight against yourself? ===Return of the Green Ranger, Part 2=== :'''Fake Tommy''': So that's the way you want it, huh? The Green Ranger vs. the White Ranger. :'''Wizard''': Now! :'''Tommy''': It's morphin' time! :'''Fake Tommy''': I was hoping you'd say that. :''[both Tommys morph]'' ===Return of the Green Ranger, Part 3=== :'''Tommy''' (speaking to the Dragonzord): Sorry old friend, but I've got to shut you down! <hr width=50%/> :'''Green Ranger''': One last battle as the Green Ranger. ===Best Man for the Job=== :'''[[w:Rita Repulsa|Rita]]''': You're too late bad boy, I already have a plan! Squatt, Goldar, Baboo, get in here! :''[Squatt, Baboo and Goldar show up in front of Rita]'' :'''Squatt''': Yes, oh merciless one. :'''Baboo''': Right here, Oh Queen of Cruel! :'''Rita''': I have something for you. ''[uses her magic to conjure up a magical rope and tosses it in Baboo's hands]'' Use this rope to put a spell on Tommy and Kimberly that will make them super competitive! :'''[[w:Goldar|Goldar]]''': Rita, does Lord Zedd know about this?! :'''Rita''': No, but he will when I destroy those puny Power Punks and then he'll be forced to admit that I'm the baddest bad girl of them all!''[laughs]'' ===Storybook Rangers, Part 1=== :'''Kimberly''': I love fairy tales. When I was little, I'd dream I was a princess, who'd get rescued by a handsome prince on a white horse. :'''Tommy''': How about a white tiger? :'''Kimberly''': That could work! ===Storybook Rangers, Part 2=== :'''Turkeyjerk''': Don't I serve a fine dinner? It just knocks you out! :'''Mondo''': Get up, so I can finish you off, face to face! ===Wild West Rangers, Part 1=== :'''Kimberly''': Is this really 1880? :'''Miss Alisha''': All year long. ===Wild West Rangers, Part 2=== :'''Goldar''': Well, Miss Kimmy, it seems your pathetic Power imposters couldn't fight tooth decay, let alone my forces! :'''Needlenose''': Oh, boy, two against one! I love an unfair fight. ===Blue Ranger Gone Bad=== :'''Goldar''': What's that you usually yell about now? Something about "Morphin' Time," isn't it? <hr width=50%/> :'''Rita''': ZEDD! :'''Zedd''' ''[growls]'': Blasted woman... that voice of hers could peel paint! <hr width=50%/> :'''Tommy''': ''[after his badly-crafted vase gets turned into Vase Face]'' Aww man. I should've done a painting instead. ==Season 3 (1995-1996)== ===A Friend in Need, Part 1=== ===A Friend in Need, Part 2=== :'''Repellator''': So displeased to meet you! ===A Friend in Need, Part 3=== :'''[[w:Kimberly Hart|Kimberly]]''': Maybe you caught my flu. :'''[[w:Repellator|Repellator]]''': Ridiculous! I am Repellator, impervious to your silly human sickne--- :''[He sneezes.]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''[[w:Finster|Finster]]''': Say "Ahh." :'''[[w:Repellator|Repellator]]''': Uhhh. :'''[[w:Finster|Finster]]''': Again. :'''[[w:Repellator|Repellator]]''': Uhh. :'''[[w:Finster|Finster]]''': And keep your eyes open - all three of them. Alright now, uh, cough for me. :''[Repellator coughs pathetically.]'' :'''[[w:Finster|Finster]]''': Eww, don't you ever brush? :'''[[w:Repellator|Repellator]]''': Monsters aren't supposed to. :'''[[w:Finster|Finster]]''': It's just as I thought, you've caught a nasty Earth virus. :'''[[w:Repellator|Repellator]]''': What should I do? :'''[[w:Finster|Finster]]''': Well, you'll have to stay in bed for seven to ten nights, and drink plenty of fluids. :'''[[w:Repellator|Repellator]]''': I can't! Rita and Lord Zedd are already mad at me. I have to go conquer the Power Rangers! Isn't there a pill I could take? :'''[[w:Finster|Finster]]''': I suppose I could give you something to make you feel a bit better, yes. But you will never get well if you don't stay in bed. :'''[[w:Repellator|Repellator]]''': Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay. As soon as this job is over. :''[Finster pulls out a '''huge''' needle.]'' :'''[[w:Repellator|Repellator]]''': Hey, wait a minute! Whaddya think you're doing with that thing?! :'''[[w:Finster|Finster]]''': You're not afraid of a little needle, now are you? :'''[[w:Repellator|Repellator]]''': W-w-well, no, but, but isn't there another way? :'''[[w:Finster|Finster]]''': Well... let me think. Actually, I suppose you could take these instead. :''[Finster turns to a jar labelled "Finster's Tummy Tabs."]'' :'''[[w:Repellator|Repellator]]''': Yes! Yeah! I'll take the pills! :'''[[w:Finster|Finster]]''': Take two now and two before you go to bed. I'd better warn you, they don't taste very good. Open wide! <hr width=50%/> :''[Bulk and Skull are trying (and failing) to impress some girls.]'' :'''Girl #1''': ''You're'' the Power Rangers? :'''[[w:Eugene "Skull" Skullovitch|Skull]]''': In the living spandex! :'''Girl #2''': Wait a minute, where are the other Power Rangers? :'''[[w:Farkas "Bulk" Bulkmeier|Bulk]]''': They're off-- :''[His helmet slams shut on him.]'' :'''[[w:Farkas "Bulk" Bulkmeier|Bulk]]''': They're off polishing their Zords! :'''[[w:Eugene "Skull" Skullovitch|Skull]]''': Which just fought a giant, huge creature-thing! :'''Girl #1''': Uh-huh. Come on, let's get out of here. :'''[[w:Farkas "Bulk" Bulkmeier|Bulk]]''': No, wait! Don't you wanna see us, y'know, ridin' our Zords? :'''[[w:Eugene "Skull" Skullovitch|Skull]]''': Yeah! We really are the Power Rangers! <hr width=50%/> :'''[[w:Repellator|Repellator]]''': I've come to destroy the Power Rangers! Why are you running away? Come back and fight! Oh, I feel great! :'''[[w:Farkas "Bulk" Bulkmeier|Bulk]]''': Oh, we're not the Power Rangers! :'''[[w:Eugene "Skull" Skullovitch|Skull]]''': Yeah, don't hurt us! ''We are not the Power Rangers!'' <hr width=50%/> :'''[[w:Lord Zedd|Lord Zedd]]''': Ah, look. Sheer terror and desperation. I love it! Haha, this is better than big-time space wrestling! A monster on Earth, and not a Ranger in sight! <hr width=50%/> :'''[[w:Kimberly Hart|Kimberly]]''': Back to action! :''[She sneezes.]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''[[w:Farkas "Bulk" Bulkmeier|Bulk]]''': Skull, do me a favor. :'''[[w:Eugene "Skull" Skullovitch|Skull]]''': What's that? :'''[[w:Farkas "Bulk" Bulkmeier|Bulk]]''': If I ever come up with another plan that has anything to do with the Power Rangers... staple my mouth shut. ===Ninja Quest, Part 1=== :'''[[w:Rita Repulsa|Rita]]''': How long have we been married, anyway? :'''[[w:Lord Zedd|Lord Zedd]]''': My unhappiness is so complete, it feels like a mere matter of moments. Does it feel that way to you, my little sour apple? :'''[[w:Rita Repulsa|Rita]]''': Seems more like a century. <hr width=50%/> :''[During a volleyball game, Billy accidentally causes Bulk to get hit with the ball.]'' :'''[[w:Farkas "Bulk" Bulkmeier|Bulk]]''': Way to go, geekoid! :'''[[w:Eugene "Skull" Skullovitch|Skull]]''': Yeah! Even I coulda done that. :'''Ernie''': Come on, guys, give him a break. :'''[[w:Farkas "Bulk" Bulkmeier|Bulk]], [[w:Eugene "Skull" Skullovitch|Skull]]''': Shut up! <hr width=50%/> :'''[[w:Rita Repulsa|Rita]]''': Rito Revolto?! What are ''you'' doing here?! :'''[[w:Lord Zedd|Lord Zedd]]''': You know this klutz? :'''[[w:Rita Repulsa|Rita]]''': ''Know'' him? He's my brother! <hr width=50%/> :''[Rito is leading an army of monsters.]'' :'''[[w:Rito Revolto|Rito]]''': We are the force that will destroy the Power Rangers! Everyone, spread out and hide! :''[The monsters begin to take hiding places.]'' :'''[[w:Rito Revolto|Rito]]''': Hey, where are you guys goin'? You guys are taking all the good spots! Come on! :'''[[w:Fighting Flea|Fighting Flea]]''': ''You're'' the decoy, remember? We're the only ones that're supposed to hide! :'''[[w:Rito Revolto|Rito]]''': Oh yeah, what was I thinking? ''I'm'' the decoy, ''I'm'' the decoy! :'''[[w:Fighting Flea|Fighting Flea]]''': Sheesh, what a doofus. <hr width=50%/> :'''[[w:Lord Zedd|Lord Zedd]], [[w:Rita Repulsa|Rita]]''': By the power and force of lightning, make our monster grow! <hr width=50%/> :'''[[w:Rito Revolto|Rito]]''': You guys are finished! Uhh... as soon as my pals get here. :'''[[w:Thomas Oliver|Tommy]]''': Looks to me like Zedd left you hanging. :'''[[w:Rito Revolto|Rito]]''': Oh yeah? Well, I guess I'll have to take ya down myself! <hr width=50%/> :'''[[w:Rito Revolto|Rito]]''': I love it when a plan comes together! <hr width=50%/> :'''[[w:Alpha 5|Alpha 5]]''': Aye, yai, yai, yai, yai! The controls are going crazy! I'm afraid to push to Power Accellerator any harder! :'''[[w:Zordon|Zordon]]''': Rangers, the Power Accellerator is becoming increasingly unstable. :'''[[w:Alpha 5|Alpha 5]]''': Aye, yai, yai--oh! Oh no! :''[The control console begins sparking.]'' :'''[[w:Zordon|Zordon]]''': The flux of power could ultimately strip you of your Ranger powers. :'''[[w:Thomas Oliver|Tommy]]''': ''[in the TigerZord]'' That's a risk we'll just have to take! :'''[[w:Alpha 5|Alpha 5]]''': Let's see here... :''[The console sparks violently.]'' :'''[[w:Alpha 5|Alpha 5]]''': Oh no! It's out of control! Zordon! :'''[[w:Zordon|Zordon]]''': Alpha, you must find a way to stabilize the Accelerator. :'''[[w:Alpha 5|Alpha 5]]''': I'm trying, but nothing's working! The Zords are gonna blow up! :''[The console explodes.]'' :'''[[w:Alpha 5|Alpha 5]]''': Aye, yai, yai! Oh, what are we going to do now?! <hr width=50%/> :'''[[w:Rito Revolto|Rito]]''': Hey, Rita! Whaddya think of your baby brother now? ===Ninja Quest, Part 2=== :'''[[w:Thomas Oliver|Tommy]]''': Looks like we lost more than our Zords... we've lost our powers. Completely. <hr width=50%/> :'''[[w:Lord Zedd|Lord Zedd]]''': My comrades, we have executed the ultimate plan. By destroying their Zords, we have once and for all taken the power out of the Power Rangers! :'''[[w:Rita Repulsa|Rita]]''': Rito, my brother! I'm so proud of you! :'''[[w:Rito Revolto|Rito]]''': Yeah, I'm proud of me, too. :'''[[w:Goldar|Goldar]]''': With four monsters helping me, I could defeat them, too! :'''[[w:Rita Repulsa|Rita]]''': ''[flatly]'' Sure, you could. :'''[[w:Lord Zedd|Lord Zedd]]''': Silence! Now that those meddlesome Rangers are finally out of our way, there is nothing Zordon can do to stop us from conquering the world! <hr width=50%/> :'''[[w:Adam Park|Adam]]''': Where did our powers come from in the first place? :'''[[w:Zordon|Zordon]]''': Legend has it that there is a lost temple hidden beneath the Desert of Despair. The keeper of the temple is named Ninjor. He forged the original Power Coins to be used by those battling the evil forces of the universe, but this may only be a myth. <hr width=50%/> :'''[[w:Zordon|Zordon]]''': Good luck, Rangers. Return to us safely. :'''[[w:Alpha 5|Alpha 5]]''': Everyone, please be careful! :''[The Rangers are teleported to the Desert of Despair.]'' :'''[[w:Alpha 5|Alpha 5]]''': Oh, Zordon, I hope we did the right thing. :'''[[w:Zordon|Zordon]]''': Try not to worry, Alpha. If the temple does exist, the Rangers are the only ones who can find it. <hr width=50%/> :'''[[w:Farkas "Bulk" Bulkmeier|Bulk]]''': Excuse me, sir. Can you tell us where the registration office is? :'''Officer''': You boys looking to enroll in the Junior Police Patrol? :'''[[w:Farkas "Bulk" Bulkmeier|Bulk]]''': Yeah! You're looking at two of Angel Grove's finest future detectives. :'''[[w:Eugene "Skull" Skullovitch|Skull]]''': We wanna wear uniforms so we can impress the girls. :''[Bulk's face drops.]'' :'''Officer''': You better have a better reason than that. :'''[[w:Farkas "Bulk" Bulkmeier|Bulk]]''': That wasn't meant to sound the way it sounded. We wanna ''protect'' the girls! :'''Officer''': That's better. <hr width=50%/> :'''[[w:Eugene "Skull" Skullovitch|Skull]]''': Changed my mind, Bulky, I'm not the physical type. "No muscle and proud of it," that's me! :''[Bulk grabs him.]'' :'''[[w:Farkas "Bulk" Bulkmeier|Bulk]]''': You will ''do'' it! And you will ''like'' it! <hr width=50%/> :''[Concerning the eggs Rito brought with him.]'' :'''[[w:Rita Repulsa|Rita]]''': Come on, Rito, what's the deal? Tell me what they are. :'''[[w:Rito Revolto|Rito]]''': Well, like I said before, I wanted to bring a special wedding present for you and Ed here. :'''[[w:Lord Zedd|Lord Zedd]], [[w:Rita Repulsa|Rita]], [[w:Goldar|Goldar]]''': ''ZEDD!'' :'''[[w:Rito Revolto|Rito]]''': Yeah, whatever. So I thought--- :'''[[w:Goldar|Goldar]]''': Gee, I thought I smelled something burning. :'''[[w:Lord Zedd|Lord Zedd]]''': Oh, would you be quiet?! Continue, Rito. :'''[[w:Rito Revolto|Rito]]''': Yeah! So, uh... what was I saying? :''[Rita and Goldar groan.]'' :'''[[w:Rito Revolto|Rito]]''': Oh yeah! The eggs! :''[Zedd groans.]'' :'''[[w:Rito Revolto|Rito]]''': Now what was in them? :'''[[w:Rita Repulsa|Rita]]''': Oh, you... :'''[[w:Rito Revolto|Rito]]''': Just can't remember---doh! :''[Rita grabs him by the neck.]'' :'''[[w:Rita Repulsa|Rita]]''': You've got ten seconds to tell me what's in those eggs! One, two--- :'''[[w:Goldar|Goldar]]''': Ten! :'''[[w:Rito Revolto|Rito]]''': "Ten?" Ten, that's it! Tengas! That's what's in those eggs! :'''[[w:Lord Zedd|Lord Zedd]]''': Tengas? :'''[[w:Rito Revolto|Rito]]''': Yep! For you and my favorite sister! :'''[[w:Rita Repulsa|Rita]]''': Tenga Warriors?! You brought me Tenga Warriors?! :'''[[w:Rito Revolto|Rito]]''': Sure did. :'''[[w:Rita Repulsa|Rita]]''': I could kiss you... if you weren't so ugly. The Tenga Warriors are absolutely the most ferocious creatures this side of the universe! :'''[[w:Lord Zedd|Lord Zedd]]''': My very own army of Tenga Warriors... without the Power Rangers to stand in my way, imagine the possibilities! <hr width=50%/> :'''[[w:Rito Revolto|Rito]]''': Y'know, picking out a present for you has never been easy. Remember when Mom and Dad got you that little fire-breathing dragon, but you really wanted that cute little planet, so you used the dragon to burn the house down? <hr width=50%/> :'''[[w:Rita Repulsa|Rita]]''': Hey! What's with that egg? It didn't hatch! :'''[[w:Goldar|Goldar]]''': It must be a dud. :'''[[w:Rito Revolto|Rito]]''': No, there's something very important about that egg. I just forgot what it is. ===Ninja Quest, Part 3=== :''[The Rangers have found Ninjor resting within a jar.]'' :'''[[w:Kimberly Hart|Kimberly]]''': That little twerp is the great Ninjor? :'''[[w:Ninjor|Ninjor]]''': What a rude little girl you are. <hr width=50%/> :'''[[w:Ninjor|Ninjor]]''': Now, what do you want? Make it quick. You have five seconds. :'''[[w:Thomas Oliver|Tommy]]''': Our leader Zordon sent us on a quest for new powers and Zords. Lord Zedd destroyed our old ones. :'''[[w:Ninjor|Ninjor]]''': Time's up. That's a lovely story. Don't let the door hit you on the way out. :'''[[w:Rocky DeSantos|Rocky]]''': But, wait, we're the Power Rangers! :'''[[w:Ninjor|Ninjor]]''': Which means... what? :'''[[w:Adam Park|Adam]]''': Will you just listen? The world's in incredible danger! :'''[[w:Ninjor|Ninjor]]''': ''[sing-song]'' Not my problem! Go away please. :'''[[w:Aisha Campbell|Aisha]]''': Come on guys, it's obvious this guy doesn't have a clue about kindness or decency. :'''[[w:Adam Park|Adam]]''': I guess the legend of Ninjor really is a myth. :'''[[w:Kimberly Hart|Kimberly]]''': I can't believe he's the one who created the Power Coins... what are we gonna do? The world's gonna be destroyed and we can't stop it because we don't have any powers. :'''[[w:Thomas Oliver|Tommy]]''': But we do. We still have the power within ourselves - the knowledge of what's right and true. Lord Zedd can never destroy that. :'''[[w:Billy Cranston|Billy]]''': You're right, Tommy. We'll just have to do whatever we can. Come on. :''[They begin to leave.]'' :'''[[w:Ninjor|Ninjor]]''': ''[groans]'' Oh, boy... wait a minute! Your hearts speak with truth. You have convinced me that you do not seek this power out of greed. If the power of Ninjor lives within your souls, we really got something here! <hr width=50%/> :'''[[w:Ninjor|Ninjor]]''': Older than time itself, Man has always known the calling. Light of the light, strength of the soul, ignite this eternal power inside of me. I am Ninja! I am pure of heart, body, mind, and spirit. Join with me now as I become one with the Power of Ninja! <hr width=50%/> :'''[[w:Ninjor|Ninjor]]''': Behold the power, grace, and beauty of your new Ninja Zords. These Zords are driven by the force of the Ninja, and infused with the power of light and strength. They are far superior to your Zords of the past. Where before your power came from the brute strength of the Dinosaurs, now it comes from the swift, intelligent, cunning of the Ninja. This is more than a restoration of your Ranger powers, your new Power Coins have much more advanced powers. However, as before, it is important that you work together as a team. To that end, all the Zords have the ability to unite as one, to form the Ninja MegaFalconZord! :'''[[w:Thomas Oliver|Tommy]]''': They're amazing. :'''[[w:Ninjor|Ninjor]]''': They will serve you well in your quest to defeat the evils that jeopardize your world. You are truly a remarkable group of young people worthy of the Ninja Power. <hr width=50%/> :'''[[w:Ninjor|Ninjor]]''': You have proven yourselves worthy to possess the Power of Ninja. This is a great responsibility. Use your powers wisely. The road you face will not be easy. The fight between good and evil never is. But Zordon chose well when he selected you, I could not have done better myself. <hr width=50%/> :'''[[w:Thomas Oliver|Tommy]], [[w:Adam Park|Adam]], [[w:Kimberly Hart|Kimberly]], [[w:Billy Cranston|Billy]], [[w:Aisha Campbell|Aisha]], [[w:Rocky DeSantos|Rocky]]''': It's Morphin' Time! :'''[[w:Thomas Oliver|Tommy]]''': White Ranger Power! :'''[[w:Adam Park|Adam]]''': Black Ranger Power! :'''[[w:Kimberly Hart|Kimberly]]''': Pink Ranger Power! :'''[[w:Billy Cranston|Billy]]''': Blue Ranger Power! :'''[[w:Aisha Campbell|Aisha]]''': Yellow Ranger Power! :'''[[w:Rocky DeSantos|Rocky]]''': Red Ranger Power! <hr width=50%/> :''[Lord Zedd has just sent Rito back to earth to finish the job and is irritated that he called him Ed again.]'' :'''[[w:Lord Zedd|Zedd]]''': It's Zedd! Lord Zedd, you numbskull! ===Ninja Quest, Part 4=== :'''[[w:Rito Revolto|Rito]]''': He who fights and runs away lives to fight another day! <hr width=50%/> :'''[[w:Lord Zedd|Zedd]]''': This is incredible! Of all the insufferable, wretched, despicable, unbelievably ''stupid'' maneuvers! You said you could do it. Rita said you could do it! Rito Revolto, weren't you going to put an end to the Power Rangers?! <hr width=50%/> :'''[[w:Vampirus|Vampirus]]''': I call upon Ninjor, keeper of the Temple of Ninja Power! :''[A blue laser strikes him from within the temple.]'' :'''[[w:Ninjor|Ninjor]]''': You are not worthy enough to darken the entrance to this temple. :'''[[w:Vampirus|Vampirus]]''': We'll see who's worthy after I destroy this temple, and you along with it! :'''[[w:Ninjor|Ninjor]]''': Ha! You and what army, you overgrown bat? :'''[[w:Vampirus|Vampirus]]''': No army, just evil friends. :''[On the moon.]'' :'''[[w:Lord Zedd|Zedd]], [[w:Rita Repulsa|Rita]]''': Make my monster grow! <hr width=50%/> :'''[[w:Ninjor|Ninjor]]''': When will they ever learn? Evil never triumphs. <hr width=50%/> :'''Zedd''': Fools! I am surrounded by complete fools! :'''Rito''': Eddie, Eddie, come on! We'll get 'em next time! Hey, let's see a great, big smile, Ed. :'''Zedd''': ZEDD! Zedd, you sniveling weasel! Z-E-D-D!! MY NAME IS LORD ZEDD!! :'''Rito''': Oh, it's Zedd! I got it, Ed. Oop, I did it again, sorry. <hr width=50%/> :'''[[w:Ninjor|Ninjor]]''': Congratulations on a job well-done, Power Rangers. Now that you have mastered the art of Ninja Powers, we can join forces to protect the Temple of Power from the evil which inhabits the universe. :'''[[w:Rocky DeSantos|Rocky]]''': You got it, Ninjor. :'''[[w:Adam Park|Adam]]''': Yeah, to protect and serve. :'''[[w:Zordon|Zordon]]''': Ninjor is now in alliance with us. From this day forward, he will answer your call for guidance and help. :'''[[w:Ninjor|Ninjor]]''': We are one now. Simply close your eyes and focus upon our collective energy: that is the Power of Ninja. :'''[[w:Kimberly Hart|Kimberly]]''': And you'll know, just like that? :'''[[w:Ninjor|Ninjor]]''': Just like that. 'Til we meet again, Rangers. ===A Brush with Destiny=== :'''Artist Mole''': And now to create my masterpiece - "Rangers In Danger!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Ninjor''': Greetings, my young friends. So very good to see you again. Can Ninjor be of service to you? :'''Artist Mole''': Probably not to them, Thunder-Thighs, but your shade of blue will look good on my palette. :'''Ninjor''': I shall remove the irritant! ===Passing the Lantern=== :''[Zedd is furious with Rito, Baboo, and Squatt for bringing him a lot of lanterns instead of just Adam's]'' :'''Zedd''': Why did you bring me so many?! ''[tosses one aside]'' How am I supposed to know which one has got the special powers?! :'''Baboo''': Well, the garden guy said all the lanterns are special. ===Wizard for a Day=== :'''Rito''': Those Mighty Morphin Meatheads better watch out, 'cause from this moment on, ''I'm'' in charge, and I'm their worst nightmare! ===Fourth Down and Long=== :'''Zordon''': Red Ranger, to assist you in this most difficult situation, it is imperative to summon Ninjor. :''[Ninjor appears, surprising Rocky]'' :'''Ninjor''': Did someone say "Ninjor"?! :'''Rocky''': Ninjor! The other Rangers have been turned into footballs. We have to rescue them! :'''Ninjor''': Football's my favorite sport! Home runs, and baskets, and... :''[2 energy devices appear]'' :'''Alpha''': These devices reverse the energy fields. :'''Ninjor''': Shouldn't we get going? :'''Rocky''': Back to action! <hr width=50%/> :'''Ninjor''': It's fifth and down for you, buddy! :'''Rocky''': No, no, that's fourth and long. :'''Ninjor''': Uh, yeah! What he said! :'''Centiback''': Aw, stick a pig in it! <hr width=50%/> :''[after four of the footballs have returned to normal]'' :'''Centiback''': Well, they may be gone, but you're here, and there's still time on the clock for me to execute one of my favorite plays! :''[he punts his ball toward Ninjor, who catches it in his energy device]'' :'''Ninjor''': Two points! :'''Centiback''': Hey, fellas! You're not playin' fair! Gimme my ball back! :'''Ninjor''': As you wish! :''[he tosses Centiback's ball towards the five remaining footballs, reverting them back into the Power Rangers]'' :'''White Ranger''': Aw, man. That's one experience I won't soon forget. Well, I'm all here. Everybody okay? :'''Black Ranger''': Yeah, I think so. :'''Saba''': I'm fine, too. :'''White Ranger''': Great, Saba. :'''Centiback''': Penalty! Too many Rangers on the field! :''[Ninjor and the Red Ranger high-five]'' :'''Red Ranger''': Way to go! :'''Ninjor''': Slam dunk! ===Stop the Hate Master, Part 1=== :'''Aisha's grandmother''': Love conquers all. ===Stop the Hate Master, Part 2=== ===Final Face-Off=== :'''Tommy''': What's the matter? :'''Rocky''': Last time I checked, Squatt and Baboo weren't interested in ancient cultures. <hr width=50%/> :'''Face Stealer''': ''[emerges from his urn]'' Who dares awaken me from my slumber?! :'''Zedd''': ''[enters]'' What's all the racket in here?! And who in the galaxy are you?! :'''Face Stealer''': I am Face Stealer, woken from my silence after 5,000 years. :'''Zedd''': You call that a deep sleep? That's a nap where I come from. :''[Rito laughs]'' :'''Rita''': Well, hubby dear, I think someone around here owes me an apology. :'''Rito''': Yeah. :'''Zedd''': Are you telling me that that's the... :'''Rita''': Exactly! Let me present to you, the one and only Face Stealer! :'''Face Stealer''': Thank you. Thank you. Good to be here. Thank you very much. ===The Potion Notion=== :'''Rito''': ''[picks up the phone]'' Hello. Rito Revolto residence. :''[he laughs until...]'' :'''Zedd''': ''[on phone]'' Rito, you bonehead! Put Goldar on the line! :'''Rito''': Oh. Hi, Edd! Uh, Goldar's not here. Oh! Can I be in charge? :'''Zedd''': So, you want to be in charge, huh? :'''Rito''': Yeah. Uh-huh. Yeah. ''[laughs]'' :'''Zedd''': Like when I told you to recharge Serpentera yesterday?! :''[Rito facepalms]'' :'''Zedd''': Well, thanks to you, we're on our way back, and your sister can't wait to see you. Tell Goldar that monster had better be ready! :'''Rito''': Monster? What? Oh! Right! The monster! You got it, Edd! No problemo! Everything is right on schedule. Count on it! <hr width=50%/> :''[Miss Chief sprays her love potion on Rita, causing her to fall for Goldar]'' :'''Rita''': You have the most beautiful eyes, Goldux. They're the most horrible shade of red! :''[Goldar panics all the way to Zedd's throne]'' :'''Goldar''': Oh, Rito, what have you done?! I'll get you for this! :''[Rito just laughs]'' :'''Goldar''': Finster, the antidote! Spray her with the antidote! THE ANTIDOTE!! :'''Finster''': Very well, but remember, you owe me one. :''[he sprays Rita with the antidote]'' :'''Finster''': Presto! :'''Goldar''': Anything! Just... get her... off! :'''Rita''': ''[free from the spell]'' Get off me, you big baboon! Have you lost your marbles?! ===A Ranger Catastrophe, Part 1=== ===A Ranger Catastrophe, Part 2=== :'''[[w:Rita Repulsa|Rita]]''': You've been a good kitty, Katherine. Remind me to give you an extra saucer of milk. :'''[[w:Lord Zedd|Lord Zedd]]''': Oh, brother. :'''[[w:Rita Repulsa|Rita]]''': Isn't she beautiful, Zeddy? :'''[[w:Lord Zedd|Lord Zedd]]''': Get that flea-bitten thing away from me! <hr width=50%/> :''[Rito has just returned to the Palace after another failure.]'' :'''[[w:Rita Repulsa|Rita]]''': What are you doing here? Oh, why do I even bother? :'''[[w:Lord Zedd|Lord Zedd]]''': That's the exact same question I've been asking since he arrived! :''[Rito makes angry mocking sounds at him.]'' :'''[[w:Rita Repulsa|Rita]]''': Well, I suppose it's a good time for Plan B. :'''[[w:Rito Revolto|Rito]]''': Oh, good! A Plan B! :'''[[w:Lord Zedd|Lord Zedd]]''': You won't be involved, numbskull! :''[He shoves Rito away.]'' <hr width=50%/> :''[Katherine is missing.]'' :'''[[w:Thomas Oliver|Tommy]]''': What have you done with her?! :'''[[w:Rita Repulsa|Rita]]''': Nothing you need to worry about! :'''[[w:Goldar|Goldar]]''': Yeah! :'''[[w:Rita Repulsa|Rita]]''': After all, what would Kimmie think? You spending so much time worrying about another girl! <hr width=50%/> :'''[[w:Katastrophe|Katastrophe]]''': The game isn't over yet. Next time, I won't pussyfoot around! :''[She teleports away.]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''[[w:Goldar|Goldar]]''': Are you ready to surrender yet? :'''[[w:Thomas Oliver|Tommy]]''': You know me better than that, Goldar! :''[Rito appears.]'' :'''[[w:Rito Revolto|Rito]]''': I don't know you, will you surrender to me? <hr width=50%/> :'''[[w:Saba (Power Rangers)|Saba]]''': White Ranger, I'm afraid I've failed you. I can see no way out of our present situation. :'''[[w:Thomas Oliver|Tommy]]''': Don't lose your faith yet, Saba. :'''[[w:Goldar|Goldar]]''': Not even Zordon himself could save you now! <hr width=50%/> :'''[[w:Goldar|Goldar]]''': Why do you continue to fight, White Ranger? Be smart, join forces with us! <hr width=50%/> :''[To Katastrophe.]'' :'''[[w:Lord Zedd|Lord Zedd]]''': Now, it's time to go play Pounce the Power Rats! <hr width=50%/> :'''[[w:Thomas Oliver|Tommy]]''': Alright, you walking furball! This is as far as you're gonna get! :'''[[w:Katastrophe|Katastrophe]]''': And I suppose ''you're'' gonna stop me? Angel Grove is just one giant scratching post to me, and I'm digging my claws in! <hr width=50%/> :'''[[w:Ninjor|Ninjor]]''': I cannot let you win, kitty. Good ''must'' prevail! <hr width=50%/> :'''[[w:Ninjor|Ninjor]]''': Oh yeah, we bad. ===Changing of the Zords, Part 1=== :''[after Zedd steals the Falconzord]'' :'''Tommy''': Oh, man. I can't believe Lord Zedd has finally defeated the Power Rangers. Well, I'm not gonna let it happen. If it takes every last ounce of my strength, I will see to it that the Power Rangers are triumphant if it's the last thing I ever do! <hr width=50%/> :''[everyone at Lord Zedd's palace celebrates their victory]'' :'''Zedd''': We did it! We have everything we need to bring our Zords to life! The battle technology from the almighty Falconzord, and Ninjor's energy as its power source! :'''Ninjor''': ''[inside the jar]'' Let me out of here, you fiend! :'''Zedd''': This is the end of the Power Rangers! ''[laughs]'' :'''Ninjor''': I won't cooperate with your maniacal scheme! Not me! Forget about it! :'''Zedd''': Yes, you will! ''[shakes the jar wildly]'' Or I'll turn you into a cosmic milkshake! ''[stops shaking and taps the jar]'' Did you hear me?! A cosmic milkshake?!! ''[laughs hysterically, then calms down and hands the jar to Finster]'' Siphon off his energy, Finster, so we can power up our Zords. ''[to the jar]'' You be nice, little Ninjor. ''[pumps his fists in the air]'' Ah! Victory is FUN! ===Changing of the Zords, Part 2=== :'''Zedd''': ''[after being teleported to the Command Center]'' Greetings, my friends. Isn't anyone going to ask me how my trip was? :'''Zordon''': Get on with it, Zedd! While you sit there, Kimberly's life is ebbing away. :''[Zedd looks closely around himself]'' :'''Zedd''': Hmm, not a bad place. A little tacky. When I take over, I'll have my darling wife redecorate it. :''[the Rangers say nothing, and Zedd laughs]'' :'''Zedd''': Oh, Alpha, ''[holds up his electrifying right hand]'' you can come out of hiding. :'''Alpha''': ''[slowly pops out of his hiding place]'' I-I don't like you,... Ed... :'''Zedd''': ''[in extreme fury like he was with Rito]'' IT'S ZEDD, YOU BLINKING BUCKET OF BOLTS!!! ''LORD'' ZEDD!!!!! ===Changing of the Zords, Part 3=== :''[Katherine appears in Zedd's dimension, where she finds Kimberly unconscious while her power is being drained]'' :'''Kat''': Hello, Kimberly. Sleeping peacefully? I wish it didn't have to be this way. ''[her eyes glow red, but something snaps inside]'' ''[seriously]'' I really do. <hr width=50%/> :''[after the Rangers have defeated another monster with their new Shogun Megazord]'' :'''Rita''': Oh, those Rangers ruin everything! :'''Zedd''': They broke my staff. They stole my zords! This job used to be fun. I want them to pay for making me so miserable! :'''Rita''': They already have, in a way. We still got Ninjor trapped in a bottle, and sweetie-pie Kimberly's power coin. Those Rangers are weakened! ===Follow That Cab!=== :'''Kat''': ''[temporarily breaks free from Rita's spell]'' I'm not an evil girl! I'm a good girl! :'''Rita''': ''[zaps Kat with her wand again]'' You're evil as long as I say you are! ===A Different Shade of Pink, Part 1=== :'''[[w:Farkas "Bulk" Bulkmeier|Bulk]]''': Look at that guy. 5' 11", heavy accent, gray hair. Anyone interesting fit that description? :'''[[w:Eugene "Skull" Skullovitch|Skull]]''': ''[imitating Bill Clinton]'' The President of the United States? :'''[[w:Farkas "Bulk" Bulkmeier|Bulk]]''': Besides him. ===A Different Shade of Pink, Part 2=== :'''Zedd''': ''[after the spell on Katherine has been lifted]'' I don't believe she turned on us. Who'll be next?! ''[to Squatt and Baboo]'' You two?! :'''Rita''': I wondered what happened to that spell, anyway. Finster, I want an answer, and I want it now! :'''Finster''': In analyzing my data, I conclude that Katherine's attempt to save Kimberly was a totally selfless deed. The goodness of that act overpowered your evil spell and neutralized it completely. :'''Rita''': ''[shrugs]'' Oh, well. Nothing lasts forever. ===A Different Shade of Pink, Part 3=== :'''[[w:Kimberly Hart|Kimberly]]''': The power's all yours now. <hr width=50%/> :'''[[w:Katherine Hillard|Kat]]''': As long as I'm on the right team, that matters right? ===I'm Dreaming of a White Ranger=== :'''[[w:Lord Zedd|Lord Zedd]]''': Merriment and togetherness make me ill. Every year for centuries, these nauseating Earthlings get together and celebrate the holidays. But this year, it's going to be different. :'''[[w:Rita Repulsa|Rita]]''': Aw, give me a break! You say that every year! :'''[[w:Lord Zedd|Lord Zedd]]''': How would you know?! We've only been married for a year, though it seems like centuries. <hr width=50%/> :''[About Zedd's brain-washing toys.]'' :'''[[w:Rito Revolto|Rito]]''': Y'know, Ed, this ain't such a bad idea. I kinda like this thing. :'''[[w:Lord Zedd|Lord Zedd]]''': It's "Zedd," you mental marshmallow! <hr width=50%/> :'''[[w:Lord Zedd|Lord Zedd]]''': Alright, Santa, this year, you won't have to check your list because all the world's children will be naughty. And won't that be nice for me? <hr width=50%/> :'''[[w:Santa Claus|Santa Claus]]''': I know who you are, and you've been a very naughty boy this year! :'''[[w:Rito Revolto|Rito]]''': Yeah, yeah, I'm heartbroken. <hr width=50%/> :'''[[w:Rito Revolto|Rito]]''': Now, you'd think that those Rangers would have someplace to go for the holidays, but ''nooo''. ===Rita's Pita=== :'''Ravenator''': Boy, you guys are bearly gonna make a light snack. I think I'm gonna eat all of Angel grove when i'm through with you. :'''Tommy''': Lunch break's over! ===Another Brick in the Wall=== ===A Chimp in Charge=== :'''Zedd''': You couldn't even transform a helpless chimp? What kind of worthless fool are you?! :'''Finster''': I'm not sure. That's a difficult question to answer. <hr width=50%/> :'''Rita''': (About Kelly) Aw, the Power Twerps have a new mascot! (To Goldar) She even looks a little like you! :'''Goldar''': That's a lie! :'''Rita''': You're right; She's better looking! <hr width=50%/> :'''Finster''': (Trying to zap Kelly) Don't you want to be a big strong monkey like King what-his-name? ===Master Vile and the Metallic Armor, Part 1=== :'''Zedd''': Who dares enter unannounced?! :'''Master Vile''': ''[appears before him]'' What?! Who dares to ask a question of me, Master Vile?! :'''Rita''': Oh! :'''Zedd''': Master WHO?! :'''Rita''': Zeddy... :'''Zedd''': What? Rita, you know this intruder? :'''Rita''': Meet Master Vile. My father! :''[Zedd is shocked]'' :'''Rito''': Hiya, Dad! :''[Master Vile laughs maniacally]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Master Vile''': ''[having heard of Rita and Zedd's marriage]'' You married Lord Zedd?! You couldn't marry anyone who had a skull?! :'''Zedd''': I may not have a skull, but I have captured the Falcon Zord, as well as the great Ninjor. What do you have to say about that?! :'''Master Vile''': I don't believe it! :'''Rito''': But it's true, Dad! Look! :''[he opens the jar and proceeds to walk towards his father; he trips on Zedd and inadvertently drops the jar]'' :'''Ninjor''': Aha! I'm free at last! You'll never catch me now! ===Master Vile and the Metallic Armor, Part 2=== :'''[[w:Thomas Oliver|Tommy]]''': ''[spotting the other Rangers while exploring the Caves of Deception]'' Hey guys, what are you doing here? :'''[[w:Adam Park|Adam]]''': Tommy, the battle's over. We lost. ''[hangs head]'' :'''[[w:Aisha Campbell|Aisha]]''': It's awful! Katherine's totally evil now! :'''[[w:Billy Cranston|Billy]]''': Vile has agreed to spare us and our families, if we give him the Zeo Crystal. :'''[[w:Rocky DeSantos|Rocky]]''': Tommy, you've got to join us! Surrender now! :'''[[w:Thomas Oliver|Tommy]]''': ''[gets into battle stance when the Green Ranger comes into view]'' My friends would never surrender to Master Vile! :'''[[w:Thomas Oliver|Green Ranger]]''': You're right, Tommy! They'd join ''with'' him! <hr width=50%/> :'''Tommy''': Zedd, Rita, I believe you have somethin' of ours. ''[grabs the caged Falconzord]'' :'''Rita''': Oh, no! ''[growls]'' :'''Tommy''': Don't worry. We'll show ourselves out. :'''Katherine''': Cheers! :''[she and Tommy teleport out, taking the Falconzord with them]'' :'''Zedd''': They took the Falconzord! Why didn't you stop them?!! ===Master Vile and the Metallic Armor, Part 3=== :'''[[w:Master Vile|Master Vile]]''': And now, everyone, party like there's no tommorow... because there's not! <hr width=50%/> :'''[[w:Master Vile|Master Vile]]''': ''[to the citizens of Angel Grove]'' I'm the new landlord in town, and all your leases are due! <hr width=50%/> :'''[[w:Master Vile|Master Vile]]''': You always were an ungrateful, rotten, little brat! :'''[[w:Rita Repulsa|Rita]]''': You never understood me! :'''[[w:Master Vile|Master Vile]]''': Whatever. <hr width=50%/> :'''[[w:Master Vile|Master Vile]]''': So I failed once. Big deal. Rita and Zedd have tried to conquer the Earth over a hundred times, and they've never come close. ===The Sound of Dischordia=== :'''[[w:Ninjor|Ninjor]]''': Turn around and fight like a... hey, what are you? ===Rangers in Reverse=== :''[About Master Vile.]'' :'''[[w:Lord Zedd|Lord Zedd]]''': And where is the old coot? I haven't seen him for days! :'''[[w:Rita Repulsa|Rita]]''': That's because he's been busy. :'''[[w:Goldar|Goldar]]''': Busy doing what? :'''[[w:Lord Zedd|Lord Zedd]]''': Yes, what? I didn't think anything could be important to him, except driving me out of my mind! <hr width=50%/> :'''[[w:Master Vile|Master Vile]]''': The Orb of Doom, when placed properly on the Earth, will cause the planet to freeze on its axis. :'''[[w:Lord Zedd|Lord Zedd]]''': So the Earth stops spinning. Big deal. <hr width=50%/> :'''[[w:Master Vile|Master Vile]]''': The Power Rangers will become the Power''less'' Rangers, as they are once again reduced to children! They will be unable to defend themselves against our awesome forces! :'''[[w:Lord Zedd|Lord Zedd]]''': Heh, I hate to be the one to break the news to you, Dad, but we tried this once before, and it didn't work then, either! :'''[[w:Goldar|Goldar]]''': Been there, done that. What are ya, new? <hr width=50%/> :'''[[w:Katherine Hillard|Kat]]''': We're not gonna let you do this! :'''[[w:Rito Revolto|Rito]]''': Oh! Big words for someone in pink tights! <hr width=50%/> :''[Master Vile has permanently defeated the Power Rangers.]'' :'''[[w:Lord Zedd|Lord Zedd]]''': I can't believe the old coot did it! You know what this means, don't you? I'll never hear the end of it! He'll just go on, and on... :'''[[w:Rita Repulsa|Rita]]''': Don't fret, Zeddy! Why not think of this as a learning experience? Now, let's get into the act before we miss all the fun! :'''[[w:Lord Zedd|Lord Zedd]]''': Yes, I guess you're right, my dear. It ''is'' time we had some fun, isn't it? Without those Power Rangers in our way, this world is ours for the taking! ===Alien Rangers of Aquitar, Part 1=== ===Alien Rangers of Aquitar, Part 2=== :'''Alien Rangers''': Thanks to hydro power, mission is accomplished! <hr width=50%/> :''[at the Moon Base, a furious Master Vile is on the ground]'' :'''Master Vile''': It was a full-proof plan! Why? Why?! :''[Rito and Rita help their father up off the ground]'' :'''Rito''': Whoopsie Daisy daddy. Come on, don't take it so rough. :'''Rita''': Grow up! You're supposed to be the adult around here! Now stop it, you're embarrassing me! :'''Master Vile''': That's it! I've had it with the lot of you. I'm going back to my own galaxy, where evil reigns supreme and the bad guys always win! ===Climb Every Fountain=== :'''Aurico''': ''[taps Slotsky's shoulder]'' Sir, your food's here. :'''Slotsky''': Did I order something? :'''Aurico''': Yeah! A knuckle sandwich! :''[he punches Slotsky]'' <hr width=50%/> :''[at Zedd's moon base, a furious Rita chastises Rito and Goldar for their failure to get the Rangers' Power Coins]'' :'''Rita''': Can't you do anything right?! What is it with you anyway! :'''Rito''': It wasn't my fault, sis. It was Mr. Goldilocks here! ===The Alien Trap=== :''[Lord Zedd spies on Goldar and Rito stranded on a boat in the middle of the lake.]'' :'''[[w:Lord Zedd|Zedd]]''': What's truly baffling is why I keep relying on those two mindless buffoons. Those pinheads can't do anything right! ===Attack of the 60' Bulk=== :'''Bratboy''': Let's play a game: I tell you what to do, and you do it, you got that? :'''Tommy''': Forget it, Bratboy. Go back to the freak lab where you were made! :'''Bratboy''': Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me. And I've got more then sticks and stones in store for you! <hr width=50%/> :(After Rito tears the map in half) :'''Rito''': Now we BOTH have a map! There! :'''Goldar''': Whattaya, got rocks in your head?! :'''Rito''': Nope; There's nothing in my head! <hr width=50%/> :'''Tommy''': Hey, dough-head! Wanna play a game? :'''Bratboy''': Yeah! Let's play "Eliminate the Power Punks"! Who's first? :'''Kat''': Over here, brainiac! :'''Adam''': Hey, ugly, how about me? :'''Aisha''': Hey, over here, Bratboy. :'''Bratboy''': Oh, so many to choose from. :'''Rocky''': Can't catch me, gnatboy! :'''Bratboy''': GRRRRR!!! The name is '''Bratboy''', you brain-drains. ===Water You Thinking?=== :'''Skull''': Hey, Bulky. Do you think the Alien Rangers could beat Darth Vader? :'''Bulk''': You dimwit! Darth Vader is just pretend. The Alien Rangers are real! :'''Skull''': Oh, right, I forgot. :''[pause]'' :'''Skull''': How 'bout a Klingon? <hr width=50%/> :''[At the Command Center's underground base, Goldar is lost.]'' :'''Goldar''': Drat, a dead end. Great, I'll have to turn back now. ''[Using the popcorn trail he left behind to find his way back.]'' That fool Rito is probably lost by now. I'll just follow this back to where I started.... :''[Goldar finds Rito eating his trail.]'' :'''Goldar''': What are you doing? You bonehead! :'''Rito''':''[spitting some of the popcorn he was eating]'' Hey Goldie, what do you think you're doing here? :'''Goldar''': You... eat my trail. :'''Rito''': Your what?! Oh sorry, I didn't know. I mean I was hungry. :'''Goldar''': You were hungry?! How would you like a knuckle sandwich? :'''Rito''': Thank you, but no. I'm full now I just couldn't eat another bite. :'''Goldar''':''[Face palms in embarrassment]'' Why me?! ===Along Came a Spider=== :'''Rita''': ''[about Arachnofiend]'' The 8-legged fool is all thumbs! <hr width=50%/> :'''Kai-Ogi''': "Madam, I'm Adam", same forwards and back! Madam, I'm Adam. You're on the right track. ===Sowing the Seas of Evil=== :'''True of Heart''': Listen to a tale told by my people for generations: "A stranger comes," so the story goes. "He shall come in search of the light," symbolized by rock. "A crystal, pure in power." Are you the one? <hr width=50%/> :'''True of Heart''': Do not give in to worry, Tommy. Be strong. You're running out of time. If you do not find the crystal, it will be lost forever. <hr width=50%/> [alarm sounds] :'''Alpha 5''': Ay-yi-yi, Zordon! There's a major drain of external thermal energy in the area! :'''Zordon''': You are correct, Alpha. My sensors are indicating that Lord Zedd is somehow tapping into the dimensional galaxy. :'''Alpha 5''': Ay-yi-yi! He's pinpointing Aquitar! :'''Tideus''': Zedd may be trying to find a means of teleporting us back home. :'''Aurico''': Or of teleporting someone from home here. ===Hogday Afternoon, Part 1=== :'''Zedd''': Hydro Hog, appear to me at once! :'''Hydro Hog''': Yes Zedd, what do you want this time? :'''Zedd''': Finally a decent connection. Hydro Hog, how would you like to drain the Earth of its water supply and destroy the Alien Rangers at the very same time? :'''Hydro Hog''': So, you can't get rid of them on your own eh?! ''[chuckles]'' :'''Rita''': We don't have the power of evaporation at our fingertips like you do, oh wart breath! :'''Hydro Hog''': Oh what the hey! It has been kinda boring here on Aquitar without the fish rangers to harass. I guess I'll do it. :'''Zedd''': Excellent! Prepare to leave at once. :'''Hydro Hog''': What do you think I got a lot of bags to pack?! I'm on my way. ===Hogday Afternoon, Part 2=== :'''Hydro Hog''': ''[after growing]'' Hey! Get a load of me! I'm gonna crush you like sea lice! ==About ''Mighty Morphin Power Rangers''== * I’m laying in bed in my hotel room in Japan. At the time there is no Netflix, no cable, no nothing — just three channels playing game shows. All of the sudden there were these five kids in spandex fighting monsters. Don’t ask me why, but I fell in love. It was so campy! :* [[w:Haim Saban|Haim Saban]], [http://www.latimes.com/business/hollywood/la-fi-ct-haim-saban-power-rangers-20170319-story.html "He believed in 'Power Rangers' when nobody else did, and it turned him into a billionaire"], Meg James, ''Los Angeles Times'', March 19, 2017. {{wikipedia}} {{DISPLAYTITLE:''Mighty Morphin Power Rangers''}} [[Category:Adventure TV shows]] [[Category:Fox Kids shows]] [[Category:American TV shows]] [[Category:Science fiction TV shows]] [[Category:Fantasy TV shows]] [[Category:Power Rangers]] 5avdjte84ser143bhx7j2yg572shojl 0 6826 3153117 3152881 2022-08-10T02:45:34Z Eaglestorm 16205 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} [[File:Thunderball-logo.svg|thumb]] '''''[[w:Thunderball (film)|Thunderball]]''''' is a [[w:1965 in film|1965 film]] in the [[James Bond (film series)|James Bond series]]. Agent Bond heads to the Bahamas to recover two nuclear warheads stolen by SPECTRE agent Emilio Largo in an international extortion scheme. :''Directed by [[w:Terence Young|Terence Young]]. Written by [[w:Richard Maibaum|Richard Maibaum]] and [[w:John Hopkins|John Hopkins]], based on [[w:Thunderball (novel|the novel]] by [[Ian Fleming]].'' {{center|'''Look Up! Look Down! Look Out! Here Comes The Biggest Bond Of All!'''}} == James Bond== * ''[at Col Jacques Bouvar's funeral]'' Madame, I've, er, come to offer my... sincere condolences. ''[punches the "widow" in the face]'' * ''[placing Fiona's body in a chair after her assassins accidentally shoot her; to other guests]'' Do you mind if my friend sits this one out? She's just dead. == Dialogue == :''[Emilio Largo has arrived at a SPECTRE board meeting. Throughout the meeting, Blofeld is seated in a glass box covered in shutter blinds.]'' :'''Ernst Stavro Blofeld/Number 1''': Sit down, Number 2. We will discuss your NATO project later. ''[Largo bows and takes a seat amongst 12 men]'' I regret to inform you all of the death of SPECTRE Number 6. Colonel Jacques Bouvar was killed by an unknown assassin. His services will be greatly missed. ''[dims the boardroom lights and shows a map of Earth, with a pulsating light blue pentagram over Japan, on the screen opposite his box]'' We will now proceed with the area financial reports. Number 7. :'''SPECTRE Number 7''': Blackmail of the double agent, Matsou Fujiwa. Unfortunately, only 40 million yen, all the man had. :'''Blofeld/Number 1''': Number 10. ''[the star on the map has settled over France]'' :'''SPECTRE Number 10''': Assassination of Perringe, the French anti-matter specialist who went over to the Russians...three million francs from the Special Department of the Qui d'Orsay. :'''Blofeld/Number 1''': Number 5. ''[the star on the map has settled over the United Kingdom]'' :'''SPECTRE Number 5''': Our consultation fee for the British train robbery, £250,000. :'''Blofeld/Number 1''': Number 11. :'''SPECTRE Number 11''': Distribution of Red China narcotics in the United States. $2,300,000. Collected by Number 9 and myself. :'''Blofeld/Number 1''': Two million three? Our expectations were considerably...higher, Number 11. :'''SPECTRE Number 11''': Competition from Latin America. Prices are down. :'''Blofeld/Number 1''': I anticipated that factor. Are you quite sure all monies have been accounted for, by yourself and Number 9? :'''SPECTRE Number 11''': To the penny, Number 1. :'''Blofeld/Number 1''': On the contrary, I have satisfied myself that one of you is clearly guilty of embezzlement. SPECTRE is a dedicated fraternity whose strength lies in the absolute integrity of its members. The culprit is known to me. I have decided on the appropriate action. ''[Number 11 is nervous that he would be punished, but is surprised when Number 9 is electrocuted and immediately disposed of; the seat moves back up with burn marks on the upholstery]'' Let us now proceed with new business. We will hear from Number Two, who is in charge of our NATO project, the most ambitious SPECTRE has ever undertaken. Your report, Number Two. :'''Emilio Largo/SPECTRE Number 2''': Thank you, Number One. Our intention is to demand a ransom from the North Atlantic Treaty powers of 280 million dollars. A hundred million pounds. I have sent SPECTRE agent Count Lippe to the South of England where he is making the necessary preparations. He is at a health clinic, conveniently located near the NATO air base. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Pat Fearing''': What exactly do you do? :'''Bond''': Oh, I travel... a sort of licensed troubleshooter. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Miss Moneypenny''': In the conference room. Something pretty big. Every Double-0 man in Europe has been rushed in. And the Home Secretary too. :'''Bond'''; His wife probably lost her dog. <hr width="50%"/> :''[All MI6 00 agents are sent to an ornate conference room to attend a meeting with the Home Secretary, his right-hand man Kenniston, M, and two RAF officers. Bond arrives late, and M catches him trying to nonchalantly walk to his seat]'' :'''M''': Well, now that we're all here, the Prime Minister has asked the Home Secretary to come and represent him here today. Home Secretary? :'''Home Secretary''': Ah, gentlemen. The tape that you are about to hear was received at 10 Downing Street this morning. :''[M presses the play button on a reel-to-reel tape player in front of him. The SPECTRE message begins to play.]'' :'''Ernst Stavro Blofeld/Number 1''': ''[on tape]'' My dear Prime Minister, two atomic bombs, numbers 456 and 457, which were aboard NATO flight 759, are now in the possession of SPECTRE. Unless within the next seven days, your government pays to us one hundred million pounds Sterling, in a manner to be designated by us, we shall destroy a major city in England or the United States of America. Please signal your acceptance of our terms by arranging for Big Ben to strike seven times at 6:00pm tomorrow. :''[M presses the stop button.]'' :'''Home Secretary''': The Prime Minister and the President have talked together over the hotline, and have agreed that unless the bombs are recovered, payment will have to be made. To avoid general panic, complete secrecy will be maintained, and no press announcements. ''[To M]'' The Prime Minister has asked that your department take charge of the operation. :'''M''': Thank you sir. ''[To Air Marshal Sir John]'' Sir John? :''[A technician unveils a map behind one painting - a map of Europe, Africa and part of North America, with a large hollow red circle on it.]'' :'''Air Marshal Sir John''': ''[At the map; pointing]'' This circle represents the full flying range of the Vulcan. Extensive search has failed to locate any evidence of either a crash or landing, and worldwide reports have proved negative on all airfields large enough to handle the Vulcan. ''[To M]'' That's all we have, sir. :'''M''': Thank you, Sir John. :'''Home Secretary''': Well, I'll leave you to carry on. We'll keep you in touch from Number 10. :'''M''': Thank you, sir. ''[The Home Secretary and Kenniston leave; to the 00 agents]'' You may now open the folders in front of you. ''[The 00 agents do so, looking at the papers in them.]'' Codename... Thunderball. As you can see, we've very little to go on. All the members of the crew had top security clearance. You'll find their photographs and service records in your files. You'll be working with NATO, CIA and all Allied intelligence units. Well, that's all, until you discuss your individual assignments with me. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bond shows M a picture of Dominique Derval, the Vulcan pilot's sister]'' :'''M''': Do we know where she is now? :'''Bond''': Nassau. :'''M''': Do you think she's worth going after? :'''Bond''': Well, I wouldn't put it quite like that, sir... <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Q is showing Bond new gadgets]'' :'''Q''': It is to be handled with special care! :'''Bond''': Everything you give me... :'''Q''': ...is treated with equal contempt. Yes, I know. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Domino''': Vargas's behind you. :'''James Bond''': Really? :'''Domino''': He must have followed us. :''[Bond shoots Vargas with a spear gun, pinning him to a coconut tree and killing him]'' :'''Bond''': I think he got the point. :'''Domino''': It should have been Largo. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Domino shoots Largo in the back, just as he is about to kill Bond]'' :'''Domino''': I'm glad I killed him. :'''Bond''': ''You're'' glad... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bond, Domino and Kutze are about to jump from the ''Disco Volante'' as it's about to hit the rocks]'' :'''Bond''': Come on! Jump! :'''Kutze''': I didn't learn to swim! :'''Bond''': Never too late to learn. ''[he thrusts the ''Disco Volante's'' life ring into Kutze's hands]'' :''[They all jump]'' == Cast == * [[Sean Connery]] - James Bond * [[w:Claudine Auger|Claudine Auger]] - Dominique 'Domino' Derval * [[w:Adolfo Celi|Adolfo Celi]] - Emilio Largo, SPECTRE #2 * [[w:Luciana Paluzzi|Luciana Paluzzi]] - Fiona Volpe * [[w:Rik Van Nutter|Rik Van Nutter]] - Felix Leiter * [[w:Guy Doleman|Guy Doleman]] - Count Lippe * [[w:Molly Peters|Molly Peters]] - Patricia Fearing * [[w:Martine Beswick|Martine Beswick]] - Paula Caplan * [[w:Bernard Lee|Bernard Lee]] - M * [[w:Desmond Llewelyn|Desmond Llewelyn]] - Q * [[w:Lois Maxwell|Lois Maxwell]] - Miss Moneypenny == External links == {{wikipedia}} * [http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0059800/ Thunderball] at IMDb [[Category:1965 films]] [[Category:Action films]] [[Category:British films]] [[Category:Films based on novels]] [[Category:James Bond 007]] [[Category:Nuclear weapons in media]] [[Category:Films about terrorism]] [[Category:Films about extortion]] ab452rso80iv7an75opyi1b0vepgthf 0 6920 3152946 2656545 2022-08-09T16:31:54Z Philip Cross 7192 + source wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Nick Cohen|Nick Cohen]]''' (born 1961) is a British journalist and political commentator. {{author-stub}} == Quotes == *Former lefties can make a good living in the media by attacking their ex-comrades – I’d do it myself if the price was right. ** [https://www.newstatesman.com/long-reads/2002/08/the-rebels-who-changed-their-tune-to-be-pundits "The Rebels who changed their tune to be pundits"] ''New Statesman'' (12 August 2002). == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Cohen, Nick}} [[Category:People from Manchester]] [[Category:Journalists]] [[Category:Jews from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Living people]] jp2k89vw9as2hqi1woqzrb1ygey2va2 3152947 3152946 2022-08-09T16:34:33Z Philip Cross 7192 apparently only has Jewish heritage several generations back wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Nick Cohen|Nick Cohen]]''' (born 1961) is a British journalist and political commentator. {{author-stub}} == Quotes == *Former lefties can make a good living in the media by attacking their ex-comrades – I’d do it myself if the price was right. ** [https://www.newstatesman.com/long-reads/2002/08/the-rebels-who-changed-their-tune-to-be-pundits "The Rebels who changed their tune to be pundits"] ''New Statesman'' (12 August 2002). == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Cohen, Nick}} [[Category:People from Manchester]] [[Category:Journalists]] [[Category:1961 births]] [[Category:Living people]] dky0q3mqao652b0jbo2i4m57n028jg9 3152953 3152947 2022-08-09T17:08:19Z UDScott 4304 removed [[Category:Journalists]]; added [[Category:Journalists from the United Kingdom]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Nick Cohen|Nick Cohen]]''' (born 1961) is a British journalist and political commentator. {{author-stub}} == Quotes == *Former lefties can make a good living in the media by attacking their ex-comrades – I’d do it myself if the price was right. ** [https://www.newstatesman.com/long-reads/2002/08/the-rebels-who-changed-their-tune-to-be-pundits "The Rebels who changed their tune to be pundits"] ''New Statesman'' (12 August 2002). == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Cohen, Nick}} [[Category:People from Manchester]] [[Category:Journalists from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:1961 births]] [[Category:Living people]] 5qn41ms248dpldblh7d3x72lwbfpq13 3152954 3152953 2022-08-09T17:08:29Z UDScott 4304 added [[Category:Political commentators]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Nick Cohen|Nick Cohen]]''' (born 1961) is a British journalist and political commentator. {{author-stub}} == Quotes == *Former lefties can make a good living in the media by attacking their ex-comrades – I’d do it myself if the price was right. ** [https://www.newstatesman.com/long-reads/2002/08/the-rebels-who-changed-their-tune-to-be-pundits "The Rebels who changed their tune to be pundits"] ''New Statesman'' (12 August 2002). == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Cohen, Nick}} [[Category:People from Manchester]] [[Category:Journalists from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:1961 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Political commentators]] 91d1qgw913pgm3ie3kutkhflsdxca4e 3152955 3152954 2022-08-09T17:08:37Z UDScott 4304 added [[Category:Criticism of Islam]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Nick Cohen|Nick Cohen]]''' (born 1961) is a British journalist and political commentator. {{author-stub}} == Quotes == *Former lefties can make a good living in the media by attacking their ex-comrades – I’d do it myself if the price was right. ** [https://www.newstatesman.com/long-reads/2002/08/the-rebels-who-changed-their-tune-to-be-pundits "The Rebels who changed their tune to be pundits"] ''New Statesman'' (12 August 2002). == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Cohen, Nick}} [[Category:People from Manchester]] [[Category:Journalists from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:1961 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Political commentators]] [[Category:Criticism of Islam]] kko1pw7e50czb3e4fi3812efubhd5ui 0 7710 3153090 3152146 2022-08-10T01:58:50Z AC9016 2870313 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Curtis LeMay (USAF).jpg|thumb|Every soldier thinks something of the moral aspects of what he is doing. But all war is immoral and if you let that bother you, you're not a good soldier. ]] '''[[w:Curtis LeMay|Curtis LeMay]]''' ([[w:November 15|November 15]], [[w:1906|1906]] – [[w:October 3|October 3]], [[w:1990|1990]]) was a [[w:General (United States)|general]] in the [[w:United States Air Force|United States Air Force]] and the vice presidential running mate of [[w:American Independent Party|American Independent Party]] candidate [[George Wallace]] in the [[w:United States presidential election, 1968|1968 presidential election]]. During [[World War II]], he was known for planning and executing a [[w:Air Raids on Japan|massive bombing campaign against cities in Japan]] and a [[w:Operation Starvation|crippling minelaying campaign]] in Japan's internal waterways. After the war, he initiated the [[w:Berlin airlift|Berlin airlift]], then reorganized the [[w:Strategic Air Command|Strategic Air Command]] (SAC) into an effective instrument of [[w:Nuclear warfare|nuclear war]]. He served as Chief of Staff of the U.S. Air Force from 1961 until his retirement in 1965. == Quotes == [[File:Distinguished Service Cross given to the World War I Unknown - Tomb of the Unknown Soldier - Arlington National Cemetery - 2012-05-19.jpg|thumb|Any Ivy League academy asshole can issue orders and take the credit. What matters is when you place your own ass on the line, and your men know that you are not some armchair commander asking them to risk death while you enjoy the good life. Morale is everything, and you do not build it by typing goddamned reports and having cocktail parties.]] [[File:Curtis LeMay 1940s.jpg|thumb|A weapon is a weapon and it really doesn't make much difference how you kill a man. If you have to kill him, well, that's the evil to start with and how you do it becomes pretty secondary. I think your choice should be which weapon is the most efficient and most likely to get the whole mess over with as early as possible.]] [[File:American bombs falling on Kobe.jpg|thumb|We’re at war with Japan. We were attacked by Japan. Do you want to kill Japanese, or would you rather have Americans killed?]] *Dear Rosy, In June Strategic Air Command had fourteen accidents. Eleven of the fourteen were in the Fifteenth Air Force. Do something. Sincerely, Curtis E. LeMay, Lieutenant General, USAF, Commanding. ** From a letter to Maj Gen Emmett O'Donnell Jr., Commanding General 15th AF * There are no innocent civilians. It is their government and you are fighting a people, you are not trying to fight an armed force anymore. So it doesn't bother me so much to be killing the so-called innocent [[bystanders]]. ** Sherry, Michael (September 10, 1989). <i>The Rise of American Air Power: The Creation of Armageddon</i>, p. 287 (from "LeMay's interview with Sherry," interview "after the war," p. 408 n. 108). Yale University Press. ISBN-13: 978-0300044140. * Killing Japanese didn't bother me very much at that time... I suppose if I had lost the war, I would have been tried as a war criminal.... '''Every soldier thinks something of the moral aspects of what he is doing. But all war is immoral and if you let that bother you, you're not a good soldier.''' ** On the morality of the firebombing campaign [http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/amex/bomb/peopleevents/pandeAMEX61.html]) * We went over there and fought the war and eventually burned down every town in [[North Korea]] anyway, someway or another, and some in [[South Korea]] too.… Over a period of three years or so, we killed off — what — twenty percent of the population of Korea as direct casualties of war, or from starvation and exposure? **''Strategic Air Warfare: An Interview with Generals'' (1988), p. 88. * If I see that the [[Russia]]ns are amassing their planes for an attack, I'm going to knock the shit out of them before they take off the ground. ** Conversation with presidential commissioner Robert Sprague (September 1957), quoted in Kaplan, F. (1991). ''The Wizards of Armageddon''. Stanford University Press. Page 134. * She [America] escaped the ruin visited upon other nations because she was given time to prepare and because of distance. [In the next war] distance will be academic [and no preparation time, too]. ** November 19th 1945 New York speech, as quoted in 'Dark Sun' p.227 (sadly, direct link to the page to read was denied by Wikipedia). * As far as casualties were concerned I think there were more casualties in the first attack on [[Tokyo]] with incendiaries than there were with the first use of the atomic bomb on Hiroshima. The fact that it's done instantaneously, maybe that's more humane than incendiary attacks, if you can call any war act humane. I don't, particularly, so to me there wasn't much difference. '''A weapon is a weapon and it really doesn't make much difference how you kill a man. If you have to kill him, well, that's the evil to start with and how you do it becomes pretty secondary. I think your choice should be which weapon is the most efficient and most likely to get the whole mess over with as early as possible.''' ** ''The World at War: the Landmark Oral History from the Classic TV Series'', p. 574 * I'll tell you what war is about, you've got to kill people, and when you've killed enough they stop fighting. ** Quoted by Richard Rhodes in [[Wikipedia: The Making of the Atomic Bomb]] === ''Mission With LeMay: My Story'' (1956) === * My solution to the problem would be to tell [the North Vietnamese Communists] frankly that they've got to draw in their horns and stop their aggression or we're going to bomb them into the Stone Age. And we would shove them back into the Stone Age with Air power or Naval power—not with ground forces. ** ''Mission With LeMay: My Story'' (1965), p. 565. In an interview two years after the publication of this book, General LeMay said, "I never said we should bomb them back to the Stone Age. I said we had the capability to do it. I want to save lives on both sides"; reported in ''The Washington Post'' (October 4, 1968), p. A8. Many years later LeMay would claim that this was his ghost writer's overwriting. * I'd like to see a more aggressive attitude on the part of the United States. That doesn't mean launching an immediate preventive war... ** ''Mission with LeMay: My Story'' (1965), p. 559. * ...Native annalists may look sadly back from the future on that period when we had the atomic bomb and the Russians didn't. Or when the Russians had acquired (through connivance and treachery of Westerns with warped minds) the atomic bomb - and yet still didn't have any stockpile of the weapons. That was the era when we might have destroyed Russia completely and not even skinned our elbows doing it. ** '' Mission with LeMay: My Story'' (1965), p. 560-561. * China has The Bomb. [...] Sometime in the future--25, 50, 75 years hence--what will the situation be like then? By that time the Chinese will have the capability of delivery too. That's the reason some schools of thinking don't rule out a destruction of the Chinese military potential before the situation grows worse than it is today. It's bad enough now. ** ''Mission with LeMay: My Story'' (1965), p. 561. * '''We’re at war with Japan. We were attacked by Japan. Do you want to kill Japanese, or would you rather have Americans killed?''' ** From his autobiography, also requoted in Rhodes, 'The Making of the Atomic Bomb', p. 596 *Apply whatever force it is necessary to employ, to stop things quickly. The main thing is ''stop it''. The quicker you stop it, the more lives you save. ** ''Mission with LeMay: My Story'' (1965), p. 565. *Actually, I think it's more immoral to use ''less'' force than necessary, than it is to use ''more''. if you use less force, you kill off more of humanity in the long run, because you are merely protracting the struggle. ** ''Mission with LeMay: My Story'' (1965), p. 382. === ''Above the Reich'' interview (1986) === * '''Any Ivy League academy asshole can issue orders and take the credit. What matters is when you place your own ass on the line, and your men know that you are not some armchair commander asking them to risk death while you enjoy the good life. Morale is everything, and you do not build it by typing goddamned reports and having cocktail parties.''' Strange, LBJ, and that ilk were like that. Those motherfuckers were whores paid to screw the public. And you know what? They never lost one night's sleep over it. They never had their ass in danger, and they never waited for the knock on the door telling them that their son was killed, all because some asshole with an Ivy League degree and a champagne glass in his hand decided that their boy did not need the money or weapons or even the fucking political support to stay alive. ** From a 1986 interview with Colin Heaton, as quoted by Colin Heaton and Anne-Marie Lewis, ''Above The Reich: Deadly Dogfights, Blistering Bombing Raids, and Other War Stories from the Greatest American Air Heroes of World War II, in Their Own Words'' (2021), p. 348-349 * You know the difference between a politician and a statesman? Here is the LeMay definition: a politician is a high-profile hooker looking for money to fund a campaign so that he can be in position to be owned by a political party, doing their bidding like a slave. Johnson fit that category. A statesman is a politician whose allegiance is only to their nation, and who, despite the feelings of others, does what he believes in his gut is in the best interest of his country, politics be damned. That even means doing something that may cost him his career, but he takes the moral high ground as he sees it, to do what must be done. That was Churchill. That's the difference. Ronald Reagan is a statesman, and make a note of it- we may not have any more in the future. They are a damned dying breed. That also applies to military commanders. You can have a charismatic, friendly, and amiable type of leader, but that is a difficult position to hold when you have to maintain discipline. It can be done, but it is hard. Then there is the hard-ass, no-holds-barred, get-it-fucking-done leader who pushes his men and expects ever-better results afterward. The easygoing leader may be liked more by his men, but the hard-ass will sure as shit have their attention, and if she shares the dangers with them, he will have their respect. Respect is everything. ** From a 1986 interview with Colin Heaton, as quoted by Colin Heaton and Anne-Marie Lewis, ''Above The Reich: Deadly Dogfights, Blistering Bombing Raids, and Other War Stories from the Greatest American Air Heroes of World War II, in Their Own Words'' (2021), p. 349 == Quotes about LeMay == [[File:SAC Shield.svg|thumb|No other U.S. military force commander so imprinted his personality and ideals upon his organization as did LeMay. SAC became LeMay personified- but only after tremendous effort on his part. There were no criticisms of his intellect or industry, nor any suggestion of patronage, but the hard, and often seemingly cold, manner in which he drove SAC gave rise to many stories about him, most of them apocryphal. ~ Walter J. Boyne]] [[File:Boeing KB-50J in flight.jpg|thumb|When the author joined the Strategic Air Command in January 1953, as a green second lieutenant freshly graduated from flying school, he was puzzled by the flying club atmosphere. Flying the big Boeing B-50s was done as a sport, radar bombing, navigation, and gunnery scores were fudged, and the principle occupation seemed to be playing hearts in the briefing room. Then one bright day Lemay's inspection team came in. Heads rolled, rigorous standards were introduced and enforced, and reporting became squeaky clean. Oddly enough, everyone still retaining his head was happier with the new system. ~ Walter J. Boyne]] [[File:Senator Goldwater 1960.jpg|thumb|I used to receive a hundred calls a year from people who wanted me to get into the Green Room at Wright-Patterson Air Force Base, because that's where the Air Force stored all the material gathered on UFOs. I once asked Curtis LeMay if I could get in that room, and he just gave me holy hell. He said, 'Not only can't you get into it but don't you ever mention it to me again.' ~ [[Barry Goldwater]]]] [[File:Robin Olds during vietnam war.jpg|thumb|When LeMay scared the hell out of his people, he made something out of them that I don't think was their true nature. He made them cringe and hide the truth. He made them say, "Yes, sir, yes, sir," becoming chronic liars protecting their own skins... I had a bunch of really great friends in SAC, but a big group of guys were developed into people who were afraid to think for themselves. They damn near destroyed the air force in the process. ~ Robin Olds]] * '''No other U.S. military force commander so imprinted his personality and ideals upon his organization as did LeMay. SAC became LeMay personified- but only after tremendous effort on his part. There were no criticisms of his intellect or industry, nor any suggestion of patronage, but the hard, and often seemingly cold, manner in which he drove SAC gave rise to many stories about him, most of them apocryphal.''' In 1951, at the age of forty-six, he was confirmed as a full four-star general, the youngest since Ulysses S. Grant. LeMay was "the Iron Eagle" to his admirers, and simply "Iron Ass" to detractors who feared him. Some of his seemingly tough demeanor probably stemmed from a deadened nerve that left his face immobile and unsmiling. In practice, LeMay took better care of his troops than anyone else in the Air Force, and his tenure at SAC was filled with achievements such as improved housing, pay, recreation, promotion, medical care, and other vital personnel requirements. The most important assessment of LeMay was defined by the loyalty and the high morale of the people he commanded. ** Walter J. Boyne, ''Beyond the Wild Blue: A History of the U.S. Air Force 1947-1997'' (1997), p. 99 * After his retirement in 1965, LeMay ran as a Vice Presidential candidate in George Wallace's 1968 third-party bid, a move that tarnished his reputation in the eyes of many. One time, later in his life, he was in the company of several other retired four-star generals, including his former aide David C. Jones, himself a former Chief of Staff of the Air Force and Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. The evening had been mellowed with some drinks, and the conversation took a daring turn- for retired or not, LeMay was still LeMay- to the question of why the general had supported Wallace. Jones recalls LeMay saying that he had not run because of political ambition- he had none, and knew that Wallace could only lose- but because he feared the direction the country would take if the Democratic candidate won. LeMay told the little group of intimates, friends for many long years, "Don't tell me about George Wallace. I know all about George Wallace. I knew he had no chance of winning. But I ran with him anyway because I thought he could take enough votes away from Humphrey. Humphrey would have been a disaster for this country as President." Always the strategist, LeMay wanted to add enough strength to Wallace's ticket to split the Democratic vote and thus defeat Humphrey. In essence, LeMay was making a last great sacrifice, his political reputation, to serve his country's cause as he saw it. ** Walter J. Boyne, ''Beyond the Wild Blue: A History of the U.S. Air Force 1947-1997'' (1997), p. 99-100 * If his politics offended some, there could be no censure of his military record. No one, friend or foe, doubted for a moment that he made SAC into an elite force, capable of strategic operations on a scale never before conceived and conducted at a level of proficiency that became the standard for the USAF. Inevitably the USAF became the benchmark to which the Army and the Navy, not to mention many foreign armed forces around the world, would aspire... LeMay was a genius at organization, and the Management Control System (MCS) he installed at SAC Headquarters (and which was replicated at lower levels of command) is but one example of his style. The MCS gave LeMay the capability to spot every breakdown or potential breakdown within the SAC system, and because lower-echelon commanders were aware of his system and used it themselves, potential breakdowns were usually detected and corrected before they occurred. LeMay also had the capacity for choosing good subordinates, delegating authority to them and letting them do their job. Not all of his choices were popular. His deputy and later successor at SAC, General Thomas S. Power, had a reputation for cold-hearted efficiency that many considered bordering on sadism. LeMay knew that Power was tough- but he also knew that he got his job done, and that was what counted. ** Walter J. Boyne, ''Beyond the Wild Blue: A History of the U.S. Air Force 1947-1997'' (1997), p. 100 * When LeMay arrived to take over command, he was disappointed but not surprised at what he found- senior Air Force officers were aware that the Strategic Air Command in 1948 was woefully lacking in proficiency, discipline, and professionalism. He went to work immediately to correct things, using on-the-spot leadership to do so. ** Walter J. Boyne, ''Beyond the Wild Blue: A History of the U.S. Air Force 1947-1997'' (1997), p. 101 * Lemay's style was to have his best crews set the highest standards, then provide more than adequate training and flying time for other crews to reach those standards of proficiency. He also insisted on scrupulously accurate records and very demanding evaluation procedures, knowing that he had inherited an air force that had reflexively gone from the rigors of war to the pleasures of a really well equipped flying club, one that paid you for belonging. It was a long process, for SAC was expanding rapidly. When the author joined the Strategic Air Command in January 1953, as a green second lieutenant freshly graduated from flying school, he was puzzled by the flying club atmosphere. Flying the big Boeing B-50s was done as a sport, radar bombing, navigation, and gunnery scores were fudged, and the principle occupation seemed to be playing hearts in the briefing room. Then one bright day Lemay's inspection team came in. Heads rolled, rigorous standards were introduced and enforced, and reporting became squeaky clean. Oddly enough, everyone still retaining his head was happier with the new system. ** Walter J. Boyne, ''Beyond the Wild Blue: A History of the U.S. Air Force 1947-1997'' (1997), p. 102 * After the first [[w:Vietnam Day Committee|International Days of Protest]] in October, 1965, [[:w:Mike Mansfield|Senator Mansfield]] criticized the "sense of utter irresponsibility" shown by the demonstrators. He had nothing to say then, nor has he since, about the "sense of utter irresponsibility" shown by Senator Mansfield and others who stand by quietly and vote appropriations as the cities and villages of North Vietnam are demolished, as millions of refugees in the South are driven from their homes by American bombardment. He has nothing to say about the moral standards or the respect for international law of those who have permitted this tragedy. I speak of Senator Mansfield precisely because he is not a breast-beating superpatriot who wants America to rule the world, but is rather an American intellectual in the best sense, a scholarly and reasonable man -- the kind of man who is the terror of our age. Perhaps this is merely a personal reaction, but when I look at what is happening to our country, '''what I find most terrifying is not Curtis LeMay, with his cheerful suggestion that we bomb everybody back into the stone age,''' but rather the calm disquisitions of the political [[scientists]] on just how much force will be necessary to achieve our ends, or just what form of government will be acceptable to us in Vietnam. What I find terrifying is the detachment and equanimity with which we view and discuss an unbearable tragedy. We all know that if Russia or China were guilty of what we have done in Vietnam, we would be exploding with moral indignation at these monstrous crimes. ** [[Noam Chomsky]] "[http://www.chomsky.info/articles/19671207.htm On Resistance]", ''The New York Review of Books,'' December 7, 1967. * '''I used to receive a hundred calls a year from people who wanted me to get into the Green Room at Wright-Patterson Air Force Base, because that's where the Air Force stored all the material gathered on UFOs. I once asked Curtis LeMay if I could get in that room, and he just gave me holy hell. He said, 'Not only can't you get into it but don't you ever mention it to me again.'''' ** [[Barry Goldwater]], quoted in ''The New Yorker'', April 25, 1988, p. 70 * An excellent pilot and officer equally capable in both combat and staff, LeMay was typical of the bomber-minded generals who emerged from World War II to dominate the Air Force during the Cold War. ** James F. Dunnigan & Albert A. Nofi, ''The Pacific War Encyclopedia, Volume 1: A-L'' (1998), p. 363 * SAC had been established by belligerent old General Curt LeMay and General Tommy Power, both pronuclear nutcases. Under their rules, if a wing commander messed up even a little bit he was canned and gone forever, so SAC fostered attitudes about how tough they were. What they really did was made a bunch of liars out of many wing commanders, DMs, and DOs. Guys at wing level were scared people. They would lie, cheat, steal, and deny- anything to make themselves look good. ** Robin Olds, ''Fighter Pilot: The Memoirs of Legendary Ace Robin Olds'' (2010), with Christina Olds and Ed Rasimus, p. 372 * '''When LeMay scared the hell out of his people, he made something out of them that I don't think was their true nature. He made them cringe and hide the truth. He made them say, "Yes, sir, yes, sir," becoming chronic liars protecting their own skins.''' Whom were these guys going to promote? Whom were they going to favor in their OER (Officer Effectiveness Report) system? It wouldn't be somebody better, or even someone similar to them. A man like that has to have somebody working for him that he can dominate, and he is inevitably going to pick a lesser individual. After about twenty years of this system the incest destroys the force. '''I had a bunch of really great friends in SAC, but a big group of guys were developed into people who were afraid to think for themselves. They damn near destroyed the air force in the process.''' ** Robin Olds, ''Fighter Pilot: The Memoirs of Legendary Ace Robin Olds'' (2010), with Christina Olds and Ed Rasimus, p. 374 * Eventually the decision was reached to accept the armed chopper as an essential part of the air mobility concept but not to allow the Army to use the Mohawk as an attack aircraft, confining it to a reconnaissance role. Both were wise decisions. But prior to these decisions there were some hot and emotional sessions of the JCS. One concerned the armed Huey, which as then being used successfully in Vietnam to support ARVN operations, but which was considered by the Air Force as illegal poaching on their roles and missions. This was in the midsummer of 1964. General LeMay suddenly took his cigar out of his mouth and, gesticulating wildly, challenged General Johnson to an aerial duel. He screamed, "Johnson, you fly one of those damned Huey's and I'll fly an F-105, and we'll see who survives. I'll shoot you down and scatter your peashooter all over the goddamn ground." I was eager to defend my chief, both verbally and physically (LeMay would have made two Johnsons in body weight, if not in mental poundage) but Johnson motioned to me to keep quiet and responded quietly: "I'm not a flier, but I will be happy to get qualified and take you on- we can agree on a time and place later. But let's not waste the valuable time of our colleagues on such a trivial matter." ** Bruce Palmer, Jr., in his book ''The 25-Year War: America's Military Role in Vietnam'' (1984), p. 27 ==See also== *[[Herman Kahn]] *[[Bernard Brodie]] *[[nuclear weapons]] ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:LeMay, Curtis}} [[Category:Military leaders from the United States]] [[Category:Aviators from the United States]] [[Category:Anti-communists from the United States]] [[Category:1906 births]] [[Category:1990 deaths]] [[Category:People from Columbus]] [[Category:People of World War II]] 6sytgy2clcgx1al6efcemglisntq939 0 7925 3153153 3119447 2022-08-10T07:41:22Z 173.70.206.72 /* Dialogue */ wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Men In Black logo.png|thumb|Oh yeah, it's [[worth]] it...If you're [[strong]] enough.]] [[File:MiB.svg|thumb|You'll dress only in attire specially sanctioned by MIB Special Services. You'll conform to the identity we give you, eat where we tell you, live where we tell you. From now on, you'll have no identifying marks of any kind. You'll not stand out in any way. Your entire image is crafted to leave no lasting memory with anyone you encounter. You're a rumor, recognizable only as déjà vu and dismissed just as quickly. You don't exist. You were never even born. Anonymity is your name, silence your native tongue. You're no longer part of the System. You are ''above'' the System. Over it. Beyond it. We're "them". We're "they". ''We are the Men in Black.'']] {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Men in Black (1997 film)|Men in Black]]''''' is a [[w:1997 in film|1997 film]] about a street-smart cop from the [[w:New York City Police Department|New York City Police Department]] who is recruited by a veteran government agent to a secret government agency that monitors and polices alien activity on Earth, unbeknownst to the public. :''Directed by [[w:Barry Sonnenfeld|Barry Sonnenfeld]]. Written by [[w:Ed Solomon|Ed Solomon]], based on [[w:The Men in Black (comics)|The Men in Black]] by [[w:Lowell Cunningham|Lowell Cunningham]].'' {{center|'''Protecting the earth from the scum of the universe.'''}} == Agent K == [[File:ExpoSYFY_-_Men_in_Black_(10825842074).jpg|thumb|I want you on the next transport off this rock, or I'm gonna shoot you where it don't grow back.]] * You sold a reverberating carbonizer with mutate capacity to an unlicensed cephalopoid, Jeebs, you piece of...! * ''[to Jeebs]'' I want you on the next transport off this rock, or I'm gonna shoot you where it don't grow back. * <!-- "A person ..." per the original script. -->A ''person'' is smart. ''People'' are dumb, panicky, dangerous animals, and you know it! * 1,500 years ago, everybody ''knew'' that the Earth was the center of the universe. 500 years ago, everybody ''knew'' that the Earth was flat. And 15 minutes ago, you ''knew'' that humans were alone on this planet. Imagine what you'll ''know'' tomorrow. * That is a lot of fun, it's a universal translator. We're not even supposed to have it, and I'll tell you why: human thought is so primitive, it's looked upon as an infectious disease in some of the better galaxies. That kind of makes you proud, doesn't it? * ''[after J accidentally activates a device that causes havoc around the headquarters]'' This thing caused the [[w:New York City blackout of 1977|1977 New York blackout]]. Practical joke by the [[w:Great Attractor|Great Attractor]]. He thought it was funny as hell. * Imagine a giant cockroach, with unlimited strength, a massive inferiority complex, and a ''real'' short temper, is tear-assing around Manhattan island in a brand new Edgar suit. That sound like fun? * [to Beatrice] No, ma'am. We at the FBI do not have a sense of [[humor]] we're aware of. == James Darrell Edwards / Agent J == [[File:Badge_of_the_New_York_City_Police_Department.png|thumb|You see this?! Huh?! NYPD! Means I will k<u>n</u>ock <u>y</u>our <u>p</u>unk-ass <u>d</u>own!]] * You see this?! Huh?! NYPD! Means I will k<u>n</u>ock <u>y</u>our <u>p</u>unk-ass <u>d</u>own! * You trying to catch a beat-down, huh?! * ''[to Agent K, while wearing his suit for the first time]'' You know what the difference is between you and me? I make this look ''good''. == Dr. Laurel Weaver == [[File:Otakuthon_2014-_Men_in_Black_(14850563279).jpg|thumb|Interesting job you guys got.]] * I hate the living. * ''[examining Rosenberg's corpse]'' Oh, my God! ''[laughs]'' Whoa, buddy, what are you? * ''[to J and K]'' Interesting job you guys have. == Jack Jeebs == * ''[Regrowing his head after K has blown it off]'' You insensitive prick! Do you have any idea how much that stings? * ''[after being yelled at by K for selling a reverberating carbonizer with mutate capacity to an unlicensed cephalopoid]'' He looked alright to me! == Zed == * ''[voiceover, as Edwards becomes Agent J]'' You'll dress only in attire specially sanctioned by MIB Special Services. You'll conform to the identity we give you, eat where we tell you, live where we tell you. From now on, you'll have no identifying marks of any kind. You'll not stand out in any way. Your entire image is crafted to leave no lasting memory with anyone you encounter. You're a rumor, recognizable only as déjà vu and dismissed just as quickly. You don't exist. You were never even born. Anonymity is your name, silence your native tongue. You're no longer part of the System. You are ''above'' the System. Over it. Beyond it. We're "them". We're "they". ''We are the Men in Black.'' * We're not hosting an intergalactic kegger down here. * The twins keep us on Centaurian time, standard 37-hour day. Give it a few months. You'll get used to it. Or you'll have a psychotic episode. * Containment may be a moot point, old friend. The exodus continues. It's like the party's over and the last one to leave gets stuck with the check. * ''[Yelling at the worms as they desert their posts]'' '''YOU SORRY LITTLE INGRATES!''' == Dialogue == :'''Agent K''': ''Que dices si te rompo la cara?''(What do you say if I break your face?) :[The Guy smiles and nods. Kay stops. His own smile broadens and he drops a hand on the Guy's shoulder.] :'''Agent K''': ''No hablas ni una palabra del español, verdad, amigo?'' (You don't speak a word of Spanish, do you, friend?) : [Again, the Guy smiles and nods. Kay looks back at Dee.] :'''Agent K''': We got a winner. [to the others] Los restos estan libres a irse. Lárgense! (The rest of you are free to go. Scram!) <hr width="50%" /> :'''Edgar''': I go out, I work my butt off to make a living, all I want is to come home to a nice clean house, with a nice fat steak on the table, but instead, I get this. It looks like poison. Don't you take that away! I'm eating that, dammit! It '''''is''''' poison, isn't it? I swear to God, I would not be surprised if it was, the way you skulk around here like a dog been hit too much, or ain't been hit enough. I can't make up my mind. You're useless, Beatrice. The only thing that pulls its weight around here is my ''goddamn truck''! :''[An alien spaceship crashes into Edgar's truck. Opening the door, shotgun in hand, Edgar surveys the wreckage while his wife watches.]'' :'''Edgar''': Figures. :'''Beatrice''': What the heck is it, Edgar? :'''Edgar''': Get your big butt back in the house! ''[He walks to the crater]'' :'''Bug''': ''[unseen]'' Place projectile weapon on the ground. :'''Edgar''': You can have my gun... ''[He cocks it]'' when you pry it [[Charlton Heston#Quotes|from my cold dead fingers]]. :'''Bug''': Your proposal is acceptable. :''[The Bug seizes Edgar and pulls him down into the pit.]'' <hr width="50%" /> :''[The Bug enters Edgar's house, wearing Edgar's skin as a disguise.]'' :'''Beatrice''': Edgar, what on earth was that? :'''Edgar/Bug''': Sugar. :'''Beatrice''': I've never seen sugar do that. :'''Edgar/Bug''': Give me sugar. :''[Beatrice holds up the sugar bowl from the kitchen table.]'' :'''Edgar/Bug''': In water. :''[She puts a teaspoon of sugar into a glass of water and holds it up.]'' :'''Edgar/Bug''': More. :''[Confused, Beatrice adds some more sugar to the glass.]'' :'''Edgar/Bug''': More. :''[She empties all the sugar into the glass and gives it to Edgar/Bug, who noisily guzzles it.]'' :'''Beatrice''': Edgar, your skin is hangin’ off your bones. :'''Edgar/Bug''': ''[looks at his reflection]'' Oh, yeah. ''[He grabs his scalp and stretches it back against his skull.]'' There. Is that better? :''[Beatrice faints.]'' <hr width="50%" /> :'''Inspector''': Why is it that no other officers saw either of these events? :'''James''': Some other officers are soggy around the midsection. :'''Sergeant''': Hey, Edwards, if you were half the man I am -- :'''James''': What do you mean? I am half the man you are. <hr width="50%" /> :''[the training session for the potential recruits has ended]'' :'''Zed''': Edwards, what happened? :'''James''': Hesitated. :'''Zed''': [brings forward the cardboard cutout of “Tiffany” with a hole in her head] May I ask why you felt little Tiffany deserved to die? :'''James''': She was the only one who actually seemed dangerous at the time, sir. :'''Zed''': How'd you come to that conclusion? :'''James''': Well first, I was gonna pop this guy hangin’ from the streetlight...then I realized he's just workin’ out. How'd I feel if somebody come runnin’ in the gym — bust me in my ass while I'm on the treadmill? Then I saw this snarling beast guy...and I noticed he had a tissue in his hand and realized...he's not '''''snarling''''', he's '''''sneezing'''''. Ain't no real threat there. Then I saw Tiffany. I'm thinkin’, y’know, eight-year-old white girl, middle of the ghetto...bunch of monsters this time of night with quantum physics books? She ‘bout to start some shit, Zed. She's about eight years old. Those books are '''way''' too advanced for her. If you ask me, I’d say she's up to somethin’. To be honest, I'd appreciate it if you eased up off my back about it. [Zed looks at him] Or do I owe her an apology? [Zed leaves the room] <hr width="50%" /> :''[K and James are walking down a corridor at MIB headquarters. K hands James a file.]'' :'''Agent K''': Back in the mid-1950s the government started a little, underfunded agency with the simple and laughable purpose of establishing contact with a race not of this planet. Everybody thought the agency was a joke, except the aliens who made contact March 2, 1961, outside New York. There were nine of us the first night: seven agents, one astronomer, and one dumb kid who got lost on the wrong back road. :'''James''': ''[He notices a picture of agents giving an alien flowers]'' Aww, you brought that tall man some flowers. :''[K points]'' :'''Agent K''': This way. They were a group of intergalactic [[refugees]]. Wanted to use the [[earth]] as an [[apolitical]] zone for creatures without a [[planet]]. Did you ever seen the movie ''[[Casablanca]]''? :''[James nods]'' :'''Agent K''': Same thing, 'cept no [[Nazis]]. :'''James''': Oh. :'''Agent K''': We agreed, and we concealed all the evidence of their landing. :''[James looks at a picture]'' :'''James''': Uh-huh, so these are real flying saucers, and the [[w:1964 New York World's Fair|World's Fair]] was just a cover-up for their landing. :'''Agent K''': Why else would we hold it in Queens? More non-humans arrive every year and they live among us in secret. :'''James''': Uh, look, I'm sorry, not to change the subject or anything, but when was the last time you had a CAT scan? :'''Agent K''': 'Bout six months ago, it's company policy. :'''James''': Right, you should make another appointment. Um, look, tell your boy Zed I had an absolutely wonderful time, and thank you for everything, but... ''[He hands the file back]'' ...why don't you show me the door? <hr width="50%" /> :'''Agent K''': All right, kid, here's the deal. At any given time there are around fifteen hundred aliens on the planet, most of them right here in Manhattan. And most of them are decent enough, they're just trying to make a living. :'''James''': Cab drivers. :'''Agent K''': No, not as many as you'd think. Humans, for the most part, don't have a clue. They don't want one or need one, either. They're happy. They think they have a good bead on things. :'''James''': Why the big secret? People are smart. They can handle it. :'''Agent K''': A ''person'' is smart. ''People'' are dumb, panicky, dangerous animals and you know it. Fifteen hundred years ago, everybody ''knew'' the Earth was the center of the universe. Five hundred years ago, everybody ''knew'' the Earth was flat. And fifteen minutes ago, you ''knew'' that people were alone on this planet. Imagine what you'll ''know'' tomorrow. :'''James''': What's the catch? :'''Agent K''': The catch? The catch is you will sever every human contact. Nobody will ever know you exist anywhere...Ever. I'll give you 'til sunrise to think it over. ''[walks away]'' :'''James''': Hey! Is it worth it? :'''Agent K''': Oh yeah, it's [[worth]] it. ''[pause]'' If you're [[strong]] enough. <hr width="50%" /> :'''James''': All right. I'm in, because there's some next-level shit goin’ on around here, and I'm with that. But before you get to [[Star Trek|beamin' me up]], there's a couple of things I want you to understand. First off, you chose me, so you recognize the [[skills]], and I don't want nobody callin' me "son" or "[[kid]]" or "[[sport]]" or nothin' like that. Cool? :'''Kay''': Cool, whatever you say, slick. But I need to tell you something about all your "skills". ''[they enter MIB headquarters]'' As of right now, they mean precisely... dick. <hr width="50%" /> :'''Agent K''': ''[He neuralyzes Beatrice after she tells them her story]'' Alright, Beatrice, there was no alien. The flash of light you saw in the sky was not a UFO. Swamp gas from a weather balloon was trapped in a thermal pocket, and refracted light from Venus. :'''Agent J''': Wait, wait, wait a minute. So, you just flash that thing, it erases her memory, and you just come up with a new one? :'''Agent K''': A standard issue Neuralyzer. :'''Agent J''': And that weak-ass story's the best you can come up with? :'''Agent K''': Yeah. ''[to Beatrice]'' On a more personal note, Beatrice, Edgar ran off with an old girlfriend. You're gonna go stay with your mom a couple nights, you're gonna get over it, and decide you're better off. :'''Agent J''': Well, yeah, 'cause, 'cause, he never appreciated you anyway. In fact, you know what, ''you'' kicked ''him'' out! And now that he's gone, you're gonna go in town, go to Bloomingdale's, get yourself some nice dresses, get yourself some shoes, go somewhere maybe, get a facial, and, uh, oh, hire a decorator to come into this place quick, 'cause, ''damn''! :''[Beatrice is looking at J with a blank stare]'' <hr width="50%" /> :''[A police officer pushes a stretcher with Rosenberg's corpse and a cat on top.]'' :'''Police Officer''': Where do you want contestant number three? :'''Dr. Laurel Weaver''': Just leave it there. <hr width="50%" /> :'''Dr. Laurel Weaver''': Look at this. :'''Agent J''': What the hell was that? :''[J touches Rosenberg’s ear and it unlocks the head showing a small control room containing alien Rosenberg. He is struggling to speak.]'' :'''Little Green Alien Gentle Rosenberg''': Must.....To Prevent.....Contest. :'''Agent J''': It's okay. What are you tryin’ to say? :'''Little Green Alien Gentle Rosenberg''': Prevent. :'''Agent J''': Prevent. Struggle? :'''Little Green Alien Gentle Rosenberg''': [shaking his head] No...To Prevent. :'''Dr. Laurel Weaver''': War? :'''Little Green Alien Gentle Rosenberg''': [moves his head up and down slowly] War. The galaxy...is on...Orion's....Be-be---What is word? :'''Agent J''': Bed? Belt? Orion's Belt? [Little Green Alien Gentle Rosenberg nods as the control room shuts down and he dies; Orion looks down from a ledge and meows] ''To prevent war the galaxy is on Orion's belt.'' What the hell does that mean? Dr., uh... Whatever, come here. :'''Dr. Laurel Weaver''': Dr. Whatever? Hey, you guys aren't really from the Department of Health, are you? :'''Agent K''': Rosenberg. Aw, damn. The Arquillians are not gonna like this. This guy was one of the royal family. :'''Dr. Laurel Weaver''': I knew it. This is an alien, and you guys are from some government agency tryin’ to keep it under wraps. <hr width="50%" /> :'''Dr. Laurel Weaver''': ''[still disoriented from being neuralyzed]'' Hey, whoever you guys are, you're gonna have to show me some ID if you're gonna be in the morgue. :'''Agent K''': Oh, yes, of course, young lady. Have a look at this for me, please. ''[neuralyzes her again]'' :'''Agent J''': [before he can fully put his shades on to protect himself from the flash of the neuralyzer] Would you '''''stop that?!''''' :'''Agent K''': What?! :'''Agent J''': That thing is gonna give her [[w:brain cancer|brain cancer]] or somethin’! :'''Agent K''': Never hurt her before. Look, we've gotta get all the doors closed around here. Special Services'll be here any minute. :'''Agent J''': "Never hurt her before"? How many times have you flashy-thinged that poor woman?! :'''Agent K''': Couple. :'''Agent J''': So, what, are you not worried about no long-term damage? :'''Agent K''': A little. :'''Agent J''': K, have you ever flashy-thinged me? :'''Agent K''': No. :'''Agent J''': I ain't playin’ wit you, K, have you ever flashy-thinged me?! :'''Agent K''': No. <hr width="50%" /> :''[As K and J arrive at the morgue to get Orion]'' :'''Agent J''': Look, K, why don't you let me handle this one? :'''Agent K''': What? :'''Agent J''': Come on, man, all we gotta do is go in here and get a cat, it's not really that hard. But if you go in there, you're gonna lay your Jack Webb on her, start flashin’ your brain ray all in her face, she's gonna wind up with leukemia and some shit. The woman's a doctor, she don't need you flashin’ away half her med school classes. Five minutes. :'''Agent K''': Two minutes. :''[J goes in and K waits outside.]'' <hr width="50%" /> :''[Facing off with the Bug in the morgue, as he holds Laurel at gunpoint]'' :'''Agent K''': Freeze it, Bug! :'''Agent J''': Don't shoot! Don't shoot! :'''Dr. Laurel Weaver''': Christ, you are thick! :'''Agent J''': Look, how was I supposed to know?! :'''Dr. Laurel Weaver''': What did I have to do, sing it for you?! :'''Agent J''': Well, if you weren't coming on like some drunken prom date...! :'''Dr. Laurel Weaver''': Oh, God, that is so typical! Any woman who shows yet the slightest hint of sexual independence...! :'''Edgar/Bug''': Oh, everybody shut up! :'''Agent K''': Let her go, shiteater. :'''Edgar/Bug''': Now listen, monkey-boy! Compared to you humans, I'm on the top rung of the evolutionary ladder! So can it, all right?! :'''Agent K''': You're breakin’ my heart. Show me your face and I'll cure all your ills. :'''Edgar/Bug''': You ever pulled the wings off a fly? Do you care to see the fly get even?! :'''Agent K''': How far do you think you're gonna get without your ship, if that's what you call that piece of space trash we've got locked up in the office? :'''Edgar/Bug''': Put your weapons down! :'''Agent K''': Never gonna happen, insect. :'''Agent J''': It's okay, Laurel. :'''Dr. Laurel Weaver''': How…is…it… okay? :'''Agent J''': I'm sayin’ it's gon’ '''''be''''' okay. :'''Edgar/Bug''': Don't bet on it, meatsack! :''[Takes Laurel and jumps out the window onto the street]'' <hr width="50%" /> :'''Dr. Laurel Weaver''': You don't wanna eat me. I'm a very important person on my planet. Like a queen. A goddess, even! There are those who worship me! I'm not telling you this to try to impress you, I'm just letting you know, it could start a war- :'''Edgar/Bug''': Good, war! That means more food for my family, all seventy-eight million of them. That's a lot of mouths to feed, Your Highness. :'''Dr. Laurel Weaver''': You're a wonderful dad, but I'm staying here! :''[throws Laurel in a nearby tree and continues up the ladder into the ship]'' <hr width="50%" /> :'''Agent J''': You ''do'' know Elvis is dead, right? :'''Agent K''': No, Elvis is ''not'' dead, he just went home. <hr width="50%" /> :'''Agent J''': ''[after stepping on a cockroach, causing the Bug to freeze as he is climbing to the remaining ship]'' Uh-oh. I'm sorry. Was that your auntie? ''[the Bug turns toward J with a furious snarl]'' Oh. Then that must mean that-that's your uncle, then, huh? ''[points at another cockroach at his feet before squashing it]'' Y’know y’all look alike. ''[Enraged, the Bug descends to the ground and approaches him]'' Well, well. Big bad bug got a bit of a soft spot, huh? ''[squishes another cockroach; the Bug snarls in anger]'' See, what I can't understand is why you gotta come down bringin’ all this ruckus! Snatchin’ up galaxies and ev’ything. ''[Laurel watches as the Bug moves closer to Agent J]'' My attitude is don't '''''start''''' nothin’, won't '''''be''''' nothin’! ''[crushes two more cockroaches as the Bug walks right up to him, seething with anger]'' You need to ease up out my face ‘fore somethin’ bad happen to you. ''[K loads his gun within the Bug's stomach]'' Too late. :''[K shoots, blowing the Bug in half and freeing himself. They are covered in bug guts. J picks up the galaxy. K calls headquarters.]'' :'''Agent K''': Zed, call the Arquillians, tell them we have the galaxy. :'''Zed''': ''You got it, friend.'' :''[K hangs up.]'' :'''Agent J''': Goin’ to get ya gun back, huh? :'''Agent K''': I like this gun. :'''Agent J''': Yeah, well, while you were in there playin’ around, I was down here doin’ all the work. First, I had to bean him in the head with the big rock. Then I was gonna hit him with a two by four. He kicked me. Y’know, it hurt. Then I got the fire. I was “yah!” with the fire. :'''Agent K''': Not bad for your second day of work is it? :'''Agent J''': This definitely rates a 9.0 on my Weird Shit-o-Meter. :'''Agent K''': Should've been here for the Zeronian migration in 1968. I guess you weren't even alive in '68. <hr width="50%" /> :''[Laurel takes J’s gun and kills the Bug]'' :'''Laurel''': Interesting job you guys have. :'''Agent J''': Look, I know we got rules, but she did just bust the Bug for us. And so maybe you don't have to flashy thing her. : [Kay pulls out the neuralyzer.] :'''Agent J''': Who's she gon’ tell, anyway? She only hangs out with dead people. :'''Agent K''': It's not for her. It's for me. (looking up at the sky) They're [[beautiful]], aren't they? The [[stars]]. I never just look anymore and they're beautiful. :'''Agent J''': Kay, you're frightening your partner. :'''Agent K''': I haven't been training a partner – I've been training a replacement. :'''Agent J''': Oh no, I can't do this job by myself. :'''Dr. Laurel Weaver''': (walking towards them) Hey, guys, my apartment isn’t anywhere near here. It’s not even on the same island. :'''Agent K''': Maybe you won't have to. : [Kay starts dialing back the neuralyzer.] :'''Agent K''': Days. Months. Years. Always face it forward. : [He hands the neuralyzer to Jay. Taps his pocket. Indicates for him to put his glasses on. Jay resists.] :'''Agent K''': I've just been down the gullet of an interstellar cockroach. That's one of a hundred [[memories]] I don't want. : [Jay takes the neuralyzer. Slips on his glasses] :'''Agent K''': See you around, sport. : [Jay raises the neuralyzer. With a brilliant FLASH, the screen turns white.] :'''Agent J''': No, you won't. :''[A copy of the New York Post with the headline “Detroit Has Car That Defies Gravity” is shown. A tabloid is then shown on top of it with the headline “N.Y. Mets Centerfielder Says: UFO Made Me Miss Home Run!”. The National Enquirer is then shown on top of that with the headline “Medical Miracle! Man Awakens from 35-Year Coma! Returns to girl he left behind”. A picture of K with his girlfriend is on the cover]'' :''[We see a shot of J looking down. He puts his shades on and collects the papers with hot dog in his other hand. Laurel is seen to have joined MIB as J’s new partner]'' :'''Agent L''': Hey, J! Zed called. The High Councilor from Solaxiant 9 wants floor seats for the Knicks-Bulls game. :'''Agent J''': All right, let's put in a call to Dennis Rodman. He's from that planet. ''[hands L her hot dog]'' :'''Agent L''': Rodman? You're kidding. :'''Agent J''': Nope. :'''Agent L''': Not much of a disguise. == About ''{{PAGENAME}}'' == [[File:Men in Black Alien Attack queue 05.jpg|thumb|[T]he Men in Black aren't merry entrepreneurs, like the [[Ghostbusters]]. They're cold-blooded bureaucrats whose job is to [[control]] and suppress [[information]]. ~ [[w:Mick LaSalle|Mick LaSalle]]]] [[File:The_Immigrants-Luis_Sanguino-Battery_Park_NYC.jpg|thumb|It seems to me like the sequels weren’t dealing with the [[humanity]] of the [first] movie. The other thing that I really loved in writing the first Men in Black was that it really was about how we humans think we’re so [[important]], but in fact we don’t [[know]] anything that’s really going on. And so that was a very [[human]] [[experience]], and to me, the story of Men in Black was about a [[w:Cocky|cocky]] human being who gets [[humbled]] and realizes that he ain’t even close to the center of the [[universe]]. In fact, the universe, the world, what’s important, is [[nothing]] that he ever [[thought]] about. [[Reality]] isn’t anything like he ever thought. It’s a humbling blow. It’s a very human [[experience]]. ~ [[w:Ed Solomon|Ed Solomon]]]] [[File:Solomon-R-Guggenheim-Museum-Levels.jpg|thumb|“Men in Black” is set in [[New York]] at the suggestion of its director, a native son, and that sets up inventive use of such landmarks as the [[w:Solomon R. Guggenheim Museum|Guggenheim Museum]], the old [[w:1964 New York World's Fair|World’s Fair]] grounds in [[w:Queens|Queens]] and the [[w:Battery Park|Battery Park]] vent room for the [[w:Holland Tunnel|Holland Tunnel]], plus the expected jokes about what percentage of cabbies are not of this Earth. <br> Hard to ignore because it’s partly unexpected is the film’s slime factor. “Men in Black” has periodic moments of gross-out humor that will not be to everyone’s taste, and when Edgar the invader finally reveals himself, he turns out to be more disturbing and off-putting than the film’s genial tone would have you expect. <br> But mostly what you get with “Men in Black” is the opportunity to spend some quality time with the Kings of Cool in a world where inconvenient memories get erased and supermarket tabloids offer the most reliable alien tips. It’s not the traditional world where only the bad guys wore [[black]], but you but you already knew that, didn’t you? ~ [[w:Kenneth Turan|Kenneth Turan]]]] * "Men in Black," the second Will-Smith-versus-the- aliens picture, is a high- tech comedy, more along the lines of a tight little action movie than a bona fide blockbuster. It was the smallest of the big summer films, the most slickly made -- and the most old-fashioned. <br> Directed by Barry Sonnenfeld, "Men in Black" has the gloss and the wit of Sonnenfeld's other comedies ("Get Shorty," "The Addams Family"). Sonnenfeld uses odd angles and wide lenses to view the action with a sardonic eye, as if the onscreen events were a joke between director and audience. But if "Men in Black" is a joke, who's the joke on? ** [[w:Mick LaSalle|Mick LaSalle]], [https://www.sfchronicle.com/movies/article/Men-in-Black-Alienating-Comedy-2793109.php “Men in Black' Alienating Comedy”], ''San Francisco Chronicle'', (Nov. 28, 1997) * [T]he Men in Black aren't merry [[w:Entrepreneur|entrepreneurs]], like the [[Ghostbusters]]. They're cold-blooded bureaucrats whose job is to control and suppress information. ** [[w:Mick LaSalle|Mick LaSalle]], [https://www.sfchronicle.com/movies/article/Men-in-Black-Alienating-Comedy-2793109.php “Men in Black' Alienating Comedy”], ''San Francisco Chronicle'', (Nov. 28, 1997) * Men in Black came out just as [[w:Digital effects|digital effects]] were starting to rise to prominence and here they look very, very dated in almost every single shot. They almost feel like you could pause the movie, stick your hand onto the screen, and pull them off like a sticker. It’s that bad. On the other hand, that’s also because the film uses those effects so ambitiously. Men in Black uses full, CG characters years before [[Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace]] or [[The Lord of the Rings (films)|The Lord of the Rings]] did (though they were created differently). So although the effects date the film poorly, it’s also a little bit charming, since everything else in the movie works so well. <br> Put all of that together and 1997's Men in Black today looks, in 2019, like the Missing Link of Hollywood blockbusters. A film that bridges the gap between the old and the new. It blends the legendary [[w:Amblin|Amblin]] tone of the ‘80s with the soon-to-be-prevalent digital effects of the 2000s, under the umbrella of a [[w:Comic book movie|comic book adaptation]] that would spawn a larger [[w:Film franchise|franchise]], which is the kind of thing [[w:Movie studio|movie studios]] dream of. ** Germain Lussier, [https://io9.gizmodo.com/the-original-men-in-black-marked-a-transition-of-the-ho-1835203690 “The Original Men in Black Marked a Transition of the Hollywood Blockbuster”], ''IO9'', (6/04/19). * What would be the first question to ask a space alien newly arrived on planet Earth? The dryly clever ''Men in Black'' has a novel answer: ''Carrying any [[fruits]] or [[vegetables]]?'' This, you see, is business as usual for the film's top-secret police and immigration authorities, dapper black-suited types who keep tabs on stray spacelings in the New York area. There are a lot of these visitors. They come in all shapes and sizes. Some tote cartons of Marlboros for the trip back home. ** Janet Maslin, [https://www.nytimes.com/1997/07/01/movies/oh-aliens-business-as-usual.html “Oh, Aliens: Business As Usual”], ''New York Times'', (July 1, 1997). * There's a jarring discrepancy between the film's plot, which tosses around the fate of galaxies yet still manages to be inconsequential, and its imposing scale. Certain sets, like the pawnshop lighted by Edward Hopper and the vast Eero Saarinen-inspired Men in Black headquarters, are studied and elegant to the point of distraction. Yet with its production design by [[w:Bo Welch|Bo Welch]] (''[[Edward Scissorhands]],'' ''[[A Little Princess]]''), one of the enormously talented contributors to the film's overall look, ''Men in Black'' even makes its morgue inviting. (Scenes there feature [[w:Linda Fiorentino|Linda Fiorentino]], who deftly underplays the city's deputy medical examiner and certainly belongs in the same movie with the supremely unruffled, tacitly hilarious Mr. Jones.) <br> The film's technical team reflects exceptional stylistic harmony. Mr. Sonnenfeld, cinematographer on the early [[w:Coen brothers|Coen brothers]] films, invokes the eccentric clarity of their work and that of [[Tim Burton]] (whose usual composer, [[w:Danny Elfman|Danny Elfman]], contributes some black magic to the score). Mr. Welch also designed Mr. Burton's ''[[Beetlejuice]],'' while [[w:Rick Baker|Rick Baker]]'s amazing makeup effects are on the same weird wavelength. Industrial Light and Magic deserves star billing in a film with approximately 250 special-effects shots. (''[[Jurassic Park]]'' had 60.) The tricks don't share much continuity, but they can rock Mr. Smith in the tentacle of a space squid or make the Men in Blackmobile fly through the Midtown Tunnel upside down. A wonderfully playful coda will send you home with a smile. ** Janet Maslin, [https://www.nytimes.com/1997/07/01/movies/oh-aliens-business-as-usual.html “Oh, Aliens: Business As Usual”], ''New York Times'', (July 1, 1997). * Our Flick of the Week is the often hilarious "Men in Black," a smart, funny and hip adventure film in a summer of car wrecks and explosions. ** [[w:Gene Siskel|Gene Siskel]], [https://www.chicagotribune.com/news/ct-xpm-1997-07-04-9707040101-story.html “`MEN IN' BLACK' A CLEVER ROMP”], ''Chicago Tribune'', (July 4 1997). * In addition to a top-flight cast (Rip Torn is the big boss of the MIB), the behind-the-scenes talent involved in "Men in Black" is first-rate. [[w:Bo Welch|Bo Welch]], a three-time Oscar-nominated production designer, has created an MIB headquarters and research facility that is a hilarious mix of man, alien and machine. [[w:Ric Baker|Ric Baker]] is the master of movie creatures. And director [[w:Barry Sonnenfield|Barry Sonnenfield]] ("[[The Addams Family (film)|The Addams Family]]"), a former cinematographer, makes every shot look great. But if I had to pick the one person most responsible for the success of "Men in Black" it would be writer Ed Solomon, who invests all of his major characters with brains. ** [[w:Gene Siskel|Gene Siskel]], [https://www.chicagotribune.com/news/ct-xpm-1997-07-04-9707040101-story.html “`MEN IN' BLACK' A CLEVER ROMP”], ''Chicago Tribune'', (July 4 1997). * “I always felt like the[[ secret]] to Men in Black was not the [[sunglasses]] and the big [[guns]] and the [[coolness]], and the other surface level coolness of it,” Solomon says. “I always thought the secret of Men in Black was the [[generosity]] of [[spirit]]… It was the [[attitude]] of the film and its relationship to the [[audience]], which was more of a ‘Hey, everyone check this out, come join us on this [[journey]]. Take a look into this [[world]] that other people don’t know [[exists]]. Let’s go in it [[together]].” ** [[w:Ed Solomon|Ed Solomon]] as quoted by David Crow, Tony Sokol; [https://www.denofgeek.com/movies/where-men-in-black-sequels-went-wrong/ “Where the Men in Black Sequels Went Wrong”], Den of Geek, (July 14, 2021) *“It seems to me like the sequels weren’t dealing with the [[humanity]] of the [first] movie,” Solomon says. “The other thing that I really loved in writing the first Men in Black was that it really was about how we humans think we’re so important, but in fact we don’t [[know]] anything that’s really going on. And so that was a very [[human]] [[experience]], and to me, the story of Men in Black was about a [[w:Cocky|cocky]] human being who gets [[humbled]] and realizes that he ain’t even close to the center of the [[universe]]. In fact, the universe, the world, what’s important, is [[nothing]] that he ever [[thought]] about. [[Reality]] isn’t anything like he ever thought. It’s a humbling blow. It’s a very human [[experience]].” <br> Solomon continues, “So I just don’t know. I didn’t get that experience watching the sequels. I think their priorities were slightly different and, I’m not an expert on why a movie works or doesn’t. Sometimes, I’ll think something’s going to be a giant hit and it isn’t, and vice versa. I can’t say for sure, all I can say is that during my own personal experience of writing [Men in Black] that was what was important, and I didn’t get those elements as much from the other movies. That was my own takeaway from being the [[writer]] of the first and an [[audience]] member of the others.” <br> Still, he’s quick to add that even if he didn’t think the sequels worked as a whole, there were still things to like. <br> “I enjoyed parts of all of them. They just weren’t the way I would have done it, but I didn’t have the opportunity because I wasn’t working on them.” That might be so, but if and when someone else takes a crack at MIB, perhaps these are insights worth sitting on a [[w:Park bench|park bench]] and appreciating here. ** [[w:Ed Solomon|Ed Solomon]] as quoted by David Crow, Tony Sokol; [https://www.denofgeek.com/movies/where-men-in-black-sequels-went-wrong/ “Where the Men in Black Sequels Went Wrong”], Den of Geek, (July 14, 2021) * “Men in Black” is set in [[New York]] at the suggestion of its director, a native son, and that sets up inventive use of such landmarks as the [[w:Solomon R. Guggenheim Museum|Guggenheim Museum]], the old [[w:1964 New York World's Fair|World’s Fair]] grounds in [[w:Queens|Queens]] and the [[w:Battery Park|Battery Park]] vent room for the [[w:Holland Tunnel|Holland Tunnel]], plus the expected jokes about what percentage of cabbies are not of this Earth. <br> Hard to ignore because it’s partly unexpected is the film’s slime factor. “Men in Black” has periodic moments of gross-out humor that will not be to everyone’s taste, and when Edgar the invader finally reveals himself, he turns out to be more disturbing and off-putting than the film’s genial tone would have you expect. <br> But mostly what you get with “Men in Black” is the opportunity to spend some quality time with the Kings of Cool in a world where inconvenient memories get erased and supermarket tabloids offer the most reliable alien tips. It’s not the traditional world where only the bad guys wore [[black]], but you but you already knew that, didn’t you? ** [[w:Kenneth Turan|Kenneth Turan]], [https://www.latimes.com/archives/la-xpm-1997-jul-01-ca-8496-story.html “The Outer Limits of Fun : ‘Men in Black’ takes the alien theme, twists it in hip directions and adds some cool sight gags”], ''Los Angeles Times'', (July 1, 1997). == Cast == * [[Tommy Lee Jones]] as Kevin Brown / Agent K * [[Will Smith]] as James Darrell Edwards III / Agent J * [[w:Vincent D'Onofrio|Vincent D'Onofrio]] as Edgar the Bug * [[w:Linda Fiorentino|Linda Fiorentino]] as Dr. Laurel Weaver / Agent L * [[w:Rip Torn|Rip Torn]] as Chief Zed * [[w:Tony Shalhoub|Tony Shalhoub]] as Jack Jeebs * [[w:Siobhan Fallon Hogan|Siobhan Fallon Hogan]] as Beatrice * [[w:Mike Nussbaum|Mike Nussbaum]] as Gentle Rosenberg * [[w:Jon Gries|Jon Gries]] as Van Driver * [[w:Sergio Calderón|Sergio Calderón]] as Jose * [[w:Carel Struycken|Carel Struycken]] as Arquillian * [[w:Fredric Lehne|Fredric Lehne]] as INS Agent Janus * [[w:Kent Faulcon|Kent Faulcon]] as 2nd Lt. Jake Jensen * [[w:Richard Hamilton|Richard Hamilton]] as Agent D * [[David Cross]] as Newton the Morgue Attendant * [[w:Tim Blaney|Tim Blaney]] as Frank the Pug (voice) * [[w:Scottie Ray|Scottie Ray]] as Mikey and additional alien voices == See also == * ''[[Men in Black: The Series]]'' (1997-2001) * ''[[Men in Black II]]'' (2002) * ''[[Men in Black 3]]'' (2012) == External links == {{wikipedia|Men in Black (film)}} * {{imdb title| id=0119654| title=Men in Black}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Men in Black 1}} [[Category:Men in Black (franchise)]] [[Category:1997 films]] [[Category:Barry Sonnenfeld films]] [[Category:American films]] [[Category:Apocalyptic films]] [[Category:Comedy science fiction films]] [[Category:Films set in New York City]] [[Category:Action comedy films]] o69njocm9er1e3z44jz3034nhar6qm0 3153154 3153153 2022-08-10T07:42:43Z 173.70.206.72 /* Dialogue */ wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Men In Black logo.png|thumb|Oh yeah, it's [[worth]] it...If you're [[strong]] enough.]] [[File:MiB.svg|thumb|You'll dress only in attire specially sanctioned by MIB Special Services. You'll conform to the identity we give you, eat where we tell you, live where we tell you. From now on, you'll have no identifying marks of any kind. You'll not stand out in any way. Your entire image is crafted to leave no lasting memory with anyone you encounter. You're a rumor, recognizable only as déjà vu and dismissed just as quickly. You don't exist. You were never even born. Anonymity is your name, silence your native tongue. You're no longer part of the System. You are ''above'' the System. Over it. Beyond it. We're "them". We're "they". ''We are the Men in Black.'']] {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Men in Black (1997 film)|Men in Black]]''''' is a [[w:1997 in film|1997 film]] about a street-smart cop from the [[w:New York City Police Department|New York City Police Department]] who is recruited by a veteran government agent to a secret government agency that monitors and polices alien activity on Earth, unbeknownst to the public. :''Directed by [[w:Barry Sonnenfeld|Barry Sonnenfeld]]. Written by [[w:Ed Solomon|Ed Solomon]], based on [[w:The Men in Black (comics)|The Men in Black]] by [[w:Lowell Cunningham|Lowell Cunningham]].'' {{center|'''Protecting the earth from the scum of the universe.'''}} == Agent K == [[File:ExpoSYFY_-_Men_in_Black_(10825842074).jpg|thumb|I want you on the next transport off this rock, or I'm gonna shoot you where it don't grow back.]] * You sold a reverberating carbonizer with mutate capacity to an unlicensed cephalopoid, Jeebs, you piece of...! * ''[to Jeebs]'' I want you on the next transport off this rock, or I'm gonna shoot you where it don't grow back. * <!-- "A person ..." per the original script. -->A ''person'' is smart. ''People'' are dumb, panicky, dangerous animals, and you know it! * 1,500 years ago, everybody ''knew'' that the Earth was the center of the universe. 500 years ago, everybody ''knew'' that the Earth was flat. And 15 minutes ago, you ''knew'' that humans were alone on this planet. Imagine what you'll ''know'' tomorrow. * That is a lot of fun, it's a universal translator. We're not even supposed to have it, and I'll tell you why: human thought is so primitive, it's looked upon as an infectious disease in some of the better galaxies. That kind of makes you proud, doesn't it? * ''[after J accidentally activates a device that causes havoc around the headquarters]'' This thing caused the [[w:New York City blackout of 1977|1977 New York blackout]]. Practical joke by the [[w:Great Attractor|Great Attractor]]. He thought it was funny as hell. * Imagine a giant cockroach, with unlimited strength, a massive inferiority complex, and a ''real'' short temper, is tear-assing around Manhattan island in a brand new Edgar suit. That sound like fun? * [to Beatrice] No, ma'am. We at the FBI do not have a sense of [[humor]] we're aware of. == James Darrell Edwards / Agent J == [[File:Badge_of_the_New_York_City_Police_Department.png|thumb|You see this?! Huh?! NYPD! Means I will k<u>n</u>ock <u>y</u>our <u>p</u>unk-ass <u>d</u>own!]] * You see this?! Huh?! NYPD! Means I will k<u>n</u>ock <u>y</u>our <u>p</u>unk-ass <u>d</u>own! * You trying to catch a beat-down, huh?! * ''[to Agent K, while wearing his suit for the first time]'' You know what the difference is between you and me? I make this look ''good''. == Dr. Laurel Weaver == [[File:Otakuthon_2014-_Men_in_Black_(14850563279).jpg|thumb|Interesting job you guys got.]] * I hate the living. * ''[examining Rosenberg's corpse]'' Oh, my God! ''[laughs]'' Whoa, buddy, what are you? * ''[to J and K]'' Interesting job you guys have. == Jack Jeebs == * ''[Regrowing his head after K has blown it off]'' You insensitive prick! Do you have any idea how much that stings? * ''[after being yelled at by K for selling a reverberating carbonizer with mutate capacity to an unlicensed cephalopoid]'' He looked alright to me! == Zed == * ''[voiceover, as Edwards becomes Agent J]'' You'll dress only in attire specially sanctioned by MIB Special Services. You'll conform to the identity we give you, eat where we tell you, live where we tell you. From now on, you'll have no identifying marks of any kind. You'll not stand out in any way. Your entire image is crafted to leave no lasting memory with anyone you encounter. You're a rumor, recognizable only as déjà vu and dismissed just as quickly. You don't exist. You were never even born. Anonymity is your name, silence your native tongue. You're no longer part of the System. You are ''above'' the System. Over it. Beyond it. We're "them". We're "they". ''We are the Men in Black.'' * We're not hosting an intergalactic kegger down here. * The twins keep us on Centaurian time, standard 37-hour day. Give it a few months. You'll get used to it. Or you'll have a psychotic episode. * Containment may be a moot point, old friend. The exodus continues. It's like the party's over and the last one to leave gets stuck with the check. * ''[Yelling at the worms as they desert their posts]'' '''YOU SORRY LITTLE INGRATES!''' == Dialogue == :'''Agent K''': ''Que dices si te rompo la cara?''(What do you say if I break your face?) ''[the Guy smiles and nods. Kay stops. His own smile broadens and he drops a hand on the Guy's shoulder]'' ''No hablas ni una palabra del español, verdad, amigo?'' (You don't speak a word of Spanish, do you, friend?) ''[again, the Guy smiles and nods. Kay looks back at Dee]'' We got a winner. ''[to the others];; Los restos estan libres a irse. Lárgense! (The rest of you are free to go. Scram!) <hr width="50%" /> :'''Edgar''': I go out, I work my butt off to make a living, all I want is to come home to a nice clean house, with a nice fat steak on the table, but instead, I get this. It looks like poison. Don't you take that away! I'm eating that, dammit! It '''''is''''' poison, isn't it? I swear to God, I would not be surprised if it was, the way you skulk around here like a dog been hit too much, or ain't been hit enough. I can't make up my mind. You're useless, Beatrice. The only thing that pulls its weight around here is my ''goddamn truck''! :''[An alien spaceship crashes into Edgar's truck. Opening the door, shotgun in hand, Edgar surveys the wreckage while his wife watches.]'' :'''Edgar''': Figures. :'''Beatrice''': What the heck is it, Edgar? :'''Edgar''': Get your big butt back in the house! ''[He walks to the crater]'' :'''Bug''': ''[unseen]'' Place projectile weapon on the ground. :'''Edgar''': You can have my gun... ''[He cocks it]'' when you pry it [[Charlton Heston#Quotes|from my cold dead fingers]]. :'''Bug''': Your proposal is acceptable. :''[The Bug seizes Edgar and pulls him down into the pit.]'' <hr width="50%" /> :''[The Bug enters Edgar's house, wearing Edgar's skin as a disguise.]'' :'''Beatrice''': Edgar, what on earth was that? :'''Edgar/Bug''': Sugar. :'''Beatrice''': I've never seen sugar do that. :'''Edgar/Bug''': Give me sugar. :''[Beatrice holds up the sugar bowl from the kitchen table.]'' :'''Edgar/Bug''': In water. :''[She puts a teaspoon of sugar into a glass of water and holds it up.]'' :'''Edgar/Bug''': More. :''[Confused, Beatrice adds some more sugar to the glass.]'' :'''Edgar/Bug''': More. :''[She empties all the sugar into the glass and gives it to Edgar/Bug, who noisily guzzles it.]'' :'''Beatrice''': Edgar, your skin is hangin’ off your bones. :'''Edgar/Bug''': ''[looks at his reflection]'' Oh, yeah. ''[He grabs his scalp and stretches it back against his skull.]'' There. Is that better? :''[Beatrice faints.]'' <hr width="50%" /> :'''Inspector''': Why is it that no other officers saw either of these events? :'''James''': Some other officers are soggy around the midsection. :'''Sergeant''': Hey, Edwards, if you were half the man I am -- :'''James''': What do you mean? I am half the man you are. <hr width="50%" /> :''[the training session for the potential recruits has ended]'' :'''Zed''': Edwards, what happened? :'''James''': Hesitated. :'''Zed''': [brings forward the cardboard cutout of “Tiffany” with a hole in her head] May I ask why you felt little Tiffany deserved to die? :'''James''': She was the only one who actually seemed dangerous at the time, sir. :'''Zed''': How'd you come to that conclusion? :'''James''': Well first, I was gonna pop this guy hangin’ from the streetlight...then I realized he's just workin’ out. How'd I feel if somebody come runnin’ in the gym — bust me in my ass while I'm on the treadmill? Then I saw this snarling beast guy...and I noticed he had a tissue in his hand and realized...he's not '''''snarling''''', he's '''''sneezing'''''. Ain't no real threat there. Then I saw Tiffany. I'm thinkin’, y’know, eight-year-old white girl, middle of the ghetto...bunch of monsters this time of night with quantum physics books? She ‘bout to start some shit, Zed. She's about eight years old. Those books are '''way''' too advanced for her. If you ask me, I’d say she's up to somethin’. To be honest, I'd appreciate it if you eased up off my back about it. [Zed looks at him] Or do I owe her an apology? [Zed leaves the room] <hr width="50%" /> :''[K and James are walking down a corridor at MIB headquarters. K hands James a file.]'' :'''Agent K''': Back in the mid-1950s the government started a little, underfunded agency with the simple and laughable purpose of establishing contact with a race not of this planet. Everybody thought the agency was a joke, except the aliens who made contact March 2, 1961, outside New York. There were nine of us the first night: seven agents, one astronomer, and one dumb kid who got lost on the wrong back road. :'''James''': ''[He notices a picture of agents giving an alien flowers]'' Aww, you brought that tall man some flowers. :''[K points]'' :'''Agent K''': This way. They were a group of intergalactic [[refugees]]. Wanted to use the [[earth]] as an [[apolitical]] zone for creatures without a [[planet]]. Did you ever seen the movie ''[[Casablanca]]''? :''[James nods]'' :'''Agent K''': Same thing, 'cept no [[Nazis]]. :'''James''': Oh. :'''Agent K''': We agreed, and we concealed all the evidence of their landing. :''[James looks at a picture]'' :'''James''': Uh-huh, so these are real flying saucers, and the [[w:1964 New York World's Fair|World's Fair]] was just a cover-up for their landing. :'''Agent K''': Why else would we hold it in Queens? More non-humans arrive every year and they live among us in secret. :'''James''': Uh, look, I'm sorry, not to change the subject or anything, but when was the last time you had a CAT scan? :'''Agent K''': 'Bout six months ago, it's company policy. :'''James''': Right, you should make another appointment. Um, look, tell your boy Zed I had an absolutely wonderful time, and thank you for everything, but... ''[He hands the file back]'' ...why don't you show me the door? <hr width="50%" /> :'''Agent K''': All right, kid, here's the deal. At any given time there are around fifteen hundred aliens on the planet, most of them right here in Manhattan. And most of them are decent enough, they're just trying to make a living. :'''James''': Cab drivers. :'''Agent K''': No, not as many as you'd think. Humans, for the most part, don't have a clue. They don't want one or need one, either. They're happy. They think they have a good bead on things. :'''James''': Why the big secret? People are smart. They can handle it. :'''Agent K''': A ''person'' is smart. ''People'' are dumb, panicky, dangerous animals and you know it. Fifteen hundred years ago, everybody ''knew'' the Earth was the center of the universe. Five hundred years ago, everybody ''knew'' the Earth was flat. And fifteen minutes ago, you ''knew'' that people were alone on this planet. Imagine what you'll ''know'' tomorrow. :'''James''': What's the catch? :'''Agent K''': The catch? The catch is you will sever every human contact. Nobody will ever know you exist anywhere...Ever. I'll give you 'til sunrise to think it over. ''[walks away]'' :'''James''': Hey! Is it worth it? :'''Agent K''': Oh yeah, it's [[worth]] it. ''[pause]'' If you're [[strong]] enough. <hr width="50%" /> :'''James''': All right. I'm in, because there's some next-level shit goin’ on around here, and I'm with that. But before you get to [[Star Trek|beamin' me up]], there's a couple of things I want you to understand. First off, you chose me, so you recognize the [[skills]], and I don't want nobody callin' me "son" or "[[kid]]" or "[[sport]]" or nothin' like that. Cool? :'''Kay''': Cool, whatever you say, slick. But I need to tell you something about all your "skills". ''[they enter MIB headquarters]'' As of right now, they mean precisely... dick. <hr width="50%" /> :'''Agent K''': ''[He neuralyzes Beatrice after she tells them her story]'' Alright, Beatrice, there was no alien. The flash of light you saw in the sky was not a UFO. Swamp gas from a weather balloon was trapped in a thermal pocket, and refracted light from Venus. :'''Agent J''': Wait, wait, wait a minute. So, you just flash that thing, it erases her memory, and you just come up with a new one? :'''Agent K''': A standard issue Neuralyzer. :'''Agent J''': And that weak-ass story's the best you can come up with? :'''Agent K''': Yeah. ''[to Beatrice]'' On a more personal note, Beatrice, Edgar ran off with an old girlfriend. You're gonna go stay with your mom a couple nights, you're gonna get over it, and decide you're better off. :'''Agent J''': Well, yeah, 'cause, 'cause, he never appreciated you anyway. In fact, you know what, ''you'' kicked ''him'' out! And now that he's gone, you're gonna go in town, go to Bloomingdale's, get yourself some nice dresses, get yourself some shoes, go somewhere maybe, get a facial, and, uh, oh, hire a decorator to come into this place quick, 'cause, ''damn''! :''[Beatrice is looking at J with a blank stare]'' <hr width="50%" /> :''[A police officer pushes a stretcher with Rosenberg's corpse and a cat on top.]'' :'''Police Officer''': Where do you want contestant number three? :'''Dr. Laurel Weaver''': Just leave it there. <hr width="50%" /> :'''Dr. Laurel Weaver''': Look at this. :'''Agent J''': What the hell was that? :''[J touches Rosenberg’s ear and it unlocks the head showing a small control room containing alien Rosenberg. He is struggling to speak.]'' :'''Little Green Alien Gentle Rosenberg''': Must.....To Prevent.....Contest. :'''Agent J''': It's okay. What are you tryin’ to say? :'''Little Green Alien Gentle Rosenberg''': Prevent. :'''Agent J''': Prevent. Struggle? :'''Little Green Alien Gentle Rosenberg''': [shaking his head] No...To Prevent. :'''Dr. Laurel Weaver''': War? :'''Little Green Alien Gentle Rosenberg''': [moves his head up and down slowly] War. The galaxy...is on...Orion's....Be-be---What is word? :'''Agent J''': Bed? Belt? Orion's Belt? [Little Green Alien Gentle Rosenberg nods as the control room shuts down and he dies; Orion looks down from a ledge and meows] ''To prevent war the galaxy is on Orion's belt.'' What the hell does that mean? Dr., uh... Whatever, come here. :'''Dr. Laurel Weaver''': Dr. Whatever? Hey, you guys aren't really from the Department of Health, are you? :'''Agent K''': Rosenberg. Aw, damn. The Arquillians are not gonna like this. This guy was one of the royal family. :'''Dr. Laurel Weaver''': I knew it. This is an alien, and you guys are from some government agency tryin’ to keep it under wraps. <hr width="50%" /> :'''Dr. Laurel Weaver''': ''[still disoriented from being neuralyzed]'' Hey, whoever you guys are, you're gonna have to show me some ID if you're gonna be in the morgue. :'''Agent K''': Oh, yes, of course, young lady. Have a look at this for me, please. ''[neuralyzes her again]'' :'''Agent J''': [before he can fully put his shades on to protect himself from the flash of the neuralyzer] Would you '''''stop that?!''''' :'''Agent K''': What?! :'''Agent J''': That thing is gonna give her [[w:brain cancer|brain cancer]] or somethin’! :'''Agent K''': Never hurt her before. Look, we've gotta get all the doors closed around here. Special Services'll be here any minute. :'''Agent J''': "Never hurt her before"? How many times have you flashy-thinged that poor woman?! :'''Agent K''': Couple. :'''Agent J''': So, what, are you not worried about no long-term damage? :'''Agent K''': A little. :'''Agent J''': K, have you ever flashy-thinged me? :'''Agent K''': No. :'''Agent J''': I ain't playin’ wit you, K, have you ever flashy-thinged me?! :'''Agent K''': No. <hr width="50%" /> :''[As K and J arrive at the morgue to get Orion]'' :'''Agent J''': Look, K, why don't you let me handle this one? :'''Agent K''': What? :'''Agent J''': Come on, man, all we gotta do is go in here and get a cat, it's not really that hard. But if you go in there, you're gonna lay your Jack Webb on her, start flashin’ your brain ray all in her face, she's gonna wind up with leukemia and some shit. The woman's a doctor, she don't need you flashin’ away half her med school classes. Five minutes. :'''Agent K''': Two minutes. :''[J goes in and K waits outside.]'' <hr width="50%" /> :''[Facing off with the Bug in the morgue, as he holds Laurel at gunpoint]'' :'''Agent K''': Freeze it, Bug! :'''Agent J''': Don't shoot! Don't shoot! :'''Dr. Laurel Weaver''': Christ, you are thick! :'''Agent J''': Look, how was I supposed to know?! :'''Dr. Laurel Weaver''': What did I have to do, sing it for you?! :'''Agent J''': Well, if you weren't coming on like some drunken prom date...! :'''Dr. Laurel Weaver''': Oh, God, that is so typical! Any woman who shows yet the slightest hint of sexual independence...! :'''Edgar/Bug''': Oh, everybody shut up! :'''Agent K''': Let her go, shiteater. :'''Edgar/Bug''': Now listen, monkey-boy! Compared to you humans, I'm on the top rung of the evolutionary ladder! So can it, all right?! :'''Agent K''': You're breakin’ my heart. Show me your face and I'll cure all your ills. :'''Edgar/Bug''': You ever pulled the wings off a fly? Do you care to see the fly get even?! :'''Agent K''': How far do you think you're gonna get without your ship, if that's what you call that piece of space trash we've got locked up in the office? :'''Edgar/Bug''': Put your weapons down! :'''Agent K''': Never gonna happen, insect. :'''Agent J''': It's okay, Laurel. :'''Dr. Laurel Weaver''': How…is…it… okay? :'''Agent J''': I'm sayin’ it's gon’ '''''be''''' okay. :'''Edgar/Bug''': Don't bet on it, meatsack! :''[Takes Laurel and jumps out the window onto the street]'' <hr width="50%" /> :'''Dr. Laurel Weaver''': You don't wanna eat me. I'm a very important person on my planet. Like a queen. A goddess, even! There are those who worship me! I'm not telling you this to try to impress you, I'm just letting you know, it could start a war- :'''Edgar/Bug''': Good, war! That means more food for my family, all seventy-eight million of them. That's a lot of mouths to feed, Your Highness. :'''Dr. Laurel Weaver''': You're a wonderful dad, but I'm staying here! :''[throws Laurel in a nearby tree and continues up the ladder into the ship]'' <hr width="50%" /> :'''Agent J''': You ''do'' know Elvis is dead, right? :'''Agent K''': No, Elvis is ''not'' dead, he just went home. <hr width="50%" /> :'''Agent J''': ''[after stepping on a cockroach, causing the Bug to freeze as he is climbing to the remaining ship]'' Uh-oh. I'm sorry. Was that your auntie? ''[the Bug turns toward J with a furious snarl]'' Oh. Then that must mean that-that's your uncle, then, huh? ''[points at another cockroach at his feet before squashing it]'' Y’know y’all look alike. ''[Enraged, the Bug descends to the ground and approaches him]'' Well, well. Big bad bug got a bit of a soft spot, huh? ''[squishes another cockroach; the Bug snarls in anger]'' See, what I can't understand is why you gotta come down bringin’ all this ruckus! Snatchin’ up galaxies and ev’ything. ''[Laurel watches as the Bug moves closer to Agent J]'' My attitude is don't '''''start''''' nothin’, won't '''''be''''' nothin’! ''[crushes two more cockroaches as the Bug walks right up to him, seething with anger]'' You need to ease up out my face ‘fore somethin’ bad happen to you. ''[K loads his gun within the Bug's stomach]'' Too late. :''[K shoots, blowing the Bug in half and freeing himself. They are covered in bug guts. J picks up the galaxy. K calls headquarters.]'' :'''Agent K''': Zed, call the Arquillians, tell them we have the galaxy. :'''Zed''': ''You got it, friend.'' :''[K hangs up.]'' :'''Agent J''': Goin’ to get ya gun back, huh? :'''Agent K''': I like this gun. :'''Agent J''': Yeah, well, while you were in there playin’ around, I was down here doin’ all the work. First, I had to bean him in the head with the big rock. Then I was gonna hit him with a two by four. He kicked me. Y’know, it hurt. Then I got the fire. I was “yah!” with the fire. :'''Agent K''': Not bad for your second day of work is it? :'''Agent J''': This definitely rates a 9.0 on my Weird Shit-o-Meter. :'''Agent K''': Should've been here for the Zeronian migration in 1968. I guess you weren't even alive in '68. <hr width="50%" /> :''[Laurel takes J’s gun and kills the Bug]'' :'''Laurel''': Interesting job you guys have. :'''Agent J''': Look, I know we got rules, but she did just bust the Bug for us. And so maybe you don't have to flashy thing her. : [Kay pulls out the neuralyzer.] :'''Agent J''': Who's she gon’ tell, anyway? She only hangs out with dead people. :'''Agent K''': It's not for her. It's for me. (looking up at the sky) They're [[beautiful]], aren't they? The [[stars]]. I never just look anymore and they're beautiful. :'''Agent J''': Kay, you're frightening your partner. :'''Agent K''': I haven't been training a partner – I've been training a replacement. :'''Agent J''': Oh no, I can't do this job by myself. :'''Dr. Laurel Weaver''': (walking towards them) Hey, guys, my apartment isn’t anywhere near here. It’s not even on the same island. :'''Agent K''': Maybe you won't have to. : [Kay starts dialing back the neuralyzer.] :'''Agent K''': Days. Months. Years. Always face it forward. : [He hands the neuralyzer to Jay. Taps his pocket. Indicates for him to put his glasses on. Jay resists.] :'''Agent K''': I've just been down the gullet of an interstellar cockroach. That's one of a hundred [[memories]] I don't want. : [Jay takes the neuralyzer. Slips on his glasses] :'''Agent K''': See you around, sport. : [Jay raises the neuralyzer. With a brilliant FLASH, the screen turns white.] :'''Agent J''': No, you won't. :''[A copy of the New York Post with the headline “Detroit Has Car That Defies Gravity” is shown. A tabloid is then shown on top of it with the headline “N.Y. Mets Centerfielder Says: UFO Made Me Miss Home Run!”. The National Enquirer is then shown on top of that with the headline “Medical Miracle! Man Awakens from 35-Year Coma! Returns to girl he left behind”. A picture of K with his girlfriend is on the cover]'' :''[We see a shot of J looking down. He puts his shades on and collects the papers with hot dog in his other hand. Laurel is seen to have joined MIB as J’s new partner]'' :'''Agent L''': Hey, J! Zed called. The High Councilor from Solaxiant 9 wants floor seats for the Knicks-Bulls game. :'''Agent J''': All right, let's put in a call to Dennis Rodman. He's from that planet. ''[hands L her hot dog]'' :'''Agent L''': Rodman? You're kidding. :'''Agent J''': Nope. :'''Agent L''': Not much of a disguise. == About ''{{PAGENAME}}'' == [[File:Men in Black Alien Attack queue 05.jpg|thumb|[T]he Men in Black aren't merry entrepreneurs, like the [[Ghostbusters]]. They're cold-blooded bureaucrats whose job is to [[control]] and suppress [[information]]. ~ [[w:Mick LaSalle|Mick LaSalle]]]] [[File:The_Immigrants-Luis_Sanguino-Battery_Park_NYC.jpg|thumb|It seems to me like the sequels weren’t dealing with the [[humanity]] of the [first] movie. The other thing that I really loved in writing the first Men in Black was that it really was about how we humans think we’re so [[important]], but in fact we don’t [[know]] anything that’s really going on. And so that was a very [[human]] [[experience]], and to me, the story of Men in Black was about a [[w:Cocky|cocky]] human being who gets [[humbled]] and realizes that he ain’t even close to the center of the [[universe]]. In fact, the universe, the world, what’s important, is [[nothing]] that he ever [[thought]] about. [[Reality]] isn’t anything like he ever thought. It’s a humbling blow. It’s a very human [[experience]]. ~ [[w:Ed Solomon|Ed Solomon]]]] [[File:Solomon-R-Guggenheim-Museum-Levels.jpg|thumb|“Men in Black” is set in [[New York]] at the suggestion of its director, a native son, and that sets up inventive use of such landmarks as the [[w:Solomon R. Guggenheim Museum|Guggenheim Museum]], the old [[w:1964 New York World's Fair|World’s Fair]] grounds in [[w:Queens|Queens]] and the [[w:Battery Park|Battery Park]] vent room for the [[w:Holland Tunnel|Holland Tunnel]], plus the expected jokes about what percentage of cabbies are not of this Earth. <br> Hard to ignore because it’s partly unexpected is the film’s slime factor. “Men in Black” has periodic moments of gross-out humor that will not be to everyone’s taste, and when Edgar the invader finally reveals himself, he turns out to be more disturbing and off-putting than the film’s genial tone would have you expect. <br> But mostly what you get with “Men in Black” is the opportunity to spend some quality time with the Kings of Cool in a world where inconvenient memories get erased and supermarket tabloids offer the most reliable alien tips. It’s not the traditional world where only the bad guys wore [[black]], but you but you already knew that, didn’t you? ~ [[w:Kenneth Turan|Kenneth Turan]]]] * "Men in Black," the second Will-Smith-versus-the- aliens picture, is a high- tech comedy, more along the lines of a tight little action movie than a bona fide blockbuster. It was the smallest of the big summer films, the most slickly made -- and the most old-fashioned. <br> Directed by Barry Sonnenfeld, "Men in Black" has the gloss and the wit of Sonnenfeld's other comedies ("Get Shorty," "The Addams Family"). Sonnenfeld uses odd angles and wide lenses to view the action with a sardonic eye, as if the onscreen events were a joke between director and audience. But if "Men in Black" is a joke, who's the joke on? ** [[w:Mick LaSalle|Mick LaSalle]], [https://www.sfchronicle.com/movies/article/Men-in-Black-Alienating-Comedy-2793109.php “Men in Black' Alienating Comedy”], ''San Francisco Chronicle'', (Nov. 28, 1997) * [T]he Men in Black aren't merry [[w:Entrepreneur|entrepreneurs]], like the [[Ghostbusters]]. They're cold-blooded bureaucrats whose job is to control and suppress information. ** [[w:Mick LaSalle|Mick LaSalle]], [https://www.sfchronicle.com/movies/article/Men-in-Black-Alienating-Comedy-2793109.php “Men in Black' Alienating Comedy”], ''San Francisco Chronicle'', (Nov. 28, 1997) * Men in Black came out just as [[w:Digital effects|digital effects]] were starting to rise to prominence and here they look very, very dated in almost every single shot. They almost feel like you could pause the movie, stick your hand onto the screen, and pull them off like a sticker. It’s that bad. On the other hand, that’s also because the film uses those effects so ambitiously. Men in Black uses full, CG characters years before [[Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace]] or [[The Lord of the Rings (films)|The Lord of the Rings]] did (though they were created differently). So although the effects date the film poorly, it’s also a little bit charming, since everything else in the movie works so well. <br> Put all of that together and 1997's Men in Black today looks, in 2019, like the Missing Link of Hollywood blockbusters. A film that bridges the gap between the old and the new. It blends the legendary [[w:Amblin|Amblin]] tone of the ‘80s with the soon-to-be-prevalent digital effects of the 2000s, under the umbrella of a [[w:Comic book movie|comic book adaptation]] that would spawn a larger [[w:Film franchise|franchise]], which is the kind of thing [[w:Movie studio|movie studios]] dream of. ** Germain Lussier, [https://io9.gizmodo.com/the-original-men-in-black-marked-a-transition-of-the-ho-1835203690 “The Original Men in Black Marked a Transition of the Hollywood Blockbuster”], ''IO9'', (6/04/19). * What would be the first question to ask a space alien newly arrived on planet Earth? The dryly clever ''Men in Black'' has a novel answer: ''Carrying any [[fruits]] or [[vegetables]]?'' This, you see, is business as usual for the film's top-secret police and immigration authorities, dapper black-suited types who keep tabs on stray spacelings in the New York area. There are a lot of these visitors. They come in all shapes and sizes. Some tote cartons of Marlboros for the trip back home. ** Janet Maslin, [https://www.nytimes.com/1997/07/01/movies/oh-aliens-business-as-usual.html “Oh, Aliens: Business As Usual”], ''New York Times'', (July 1, 1997). * There's a jarring discrepancy between the film's plot, which tosses around the fate of galaxies yet still manages to be inconsequential, and its imposing scale. Certain sets, like the pawnshop lighted by Edward Hopper and the vast Eero Saarinen-inspired Men in Black headquarters, are studied and elegant to the point of distraction. Yet with its production design by [[w:Bo Welch|Bo Welch]] (''[[Edward Scissorhands]],'' ''[[A Little Princess]]''), one of the enormously talented contributors to the film's overall look, ''Men in Black'' even makes its morgue inviting. (Scenes there feature [[w:Linda Fiorentino|Linda Fiorentino]], who deftly underplays the city's deputy medical examiner and certainly belongs in the same movie with the supremely unruffled, tacitly hilarious Mr. Jones.) <br> The film's technical team reflects exceptional stylistic harmony. Mr. Sonnenfeld, cinematographer on the early [[w:Coen brothers|Coen brothers]] films, invokes the eccentric clarity of their work and that of [[Tim Burton]] (whose usual composer, [[w:Danny Elfman|Danny Elfman]], contributes some black magic to the score). Mr. Welch also designed Mr. Burton's ''[[Beetlejuice]],'' while [[w:Rick Baker|Rick Baker]]'s amazing makeup effects are on the same weird wavelength. Industrial Light and Magic deserves star billing in a film with approximately 250 special-effects shots. (''[[Jurassic Park]]'' had 60.) The tricks don't share much continuity, but they can rock Mr. Smith in the tentacle of a space squid or make the Men in Blackmobile fly through the Midtown Tunnel upside down. A wonderfully playful coda will send you home with a smile. ** Janet Maslin, [https://www.nytimes.com/1997/07/01/movies/oh-aliens-business-as-usual.html “Oh, Aliens: Business As Usual”], ''New York Times'', (July 1, 1997). * Our Flick of the Week is the often hilarious "Men in Black," a smart, funny and hip adventure film in a summer of car wrecks and explosions. ** [[w:Gene Siskel|Gene Siskel]], [https://www.chicagotribune.com/news/ct-xpm-1997-07-04-9707040101-story.html “`MEN IN' BLACK' A CLEVER ROMP”], ''Chicago Tribune'', (July 4 1997). * In addition to a top-flight cast (Rip Torn is the big boss of the MIB), the behind-the-scenes talent involved in "Men in Black" is first-rate. [[w:Bo Welch|Bo Welch]], a three-time Oscar-nominated production designer, has created an MIB headquarters and research facility that is a hilarious mix of man, alien and machine. [[w:Ric Baker|Ric Baker]] is the master of movie creatures. And director [[w:Barry Sonnenfield|Barry Sonnenfield]] ("[[The Addams Family (film)|The Addams Family]]"), a former cinematographer, makes every shot look great. But if I had to pick the one person most responsible for the success of "Men in Black" it would be writer Ed Solomon, who invests all of his major characters with brains. ** [[w:Gene Siskel|Gene Siskel]], [https://www.chicagotribune.com/news/ct-xpm-1997-07-04-9707040101-story.html “`MEN IN' BLACK' A CLEVER ROMP”], ''Chicago Tribune'', (July 4 1997). * “I always felt like the[[ secret]] to Men in Black was not the [[sunglasses]] and the big [[guns]] and the [[coolness]], and the other surface level coolness of it,” Solomon says. “I always thought the secret of Men in Black was the [[generosity]] of [[spirit]]… It was the [[attitude]] of the film and its relationship to the [[audience]], which was more of a ‘Hey, everyone check this out, come join us on this [[journey]]. Take a look into this [[world]] that other people don’t know [[exists]]. Let’s go in it [[together]].” ** [[w:Ed Solomon|Ed Solomon]] as quoted by David Crow, Tony Sokol; [https://www.denofgeek.com/movies/where-men-in-black-sequels-went-wrong/ “Where the Men in Black Sequels Went Wrong”], Den of Geek, (July 14, 2021) *“It seems to me like the sequels weren’t dealing with the [[humanity]] of the [first] movie,” Solomon says. “The other thing that I really loved in writing the first Men in Black was that it really was about how we humans think we’re so important, but in fact we don’t [[know]] anything that’s really going on. And so that was a very [[human]] [[experience]], and to me, the story of Men in Black was about a [[w:Cocky|cocky]] human being who gets [[humbled]] and realizes that he ain’t even close to the center of the [[universe]]. In fact, the universe, the world, what’s important, is [[nothing]] that he ever [[thought]] about. [[Reality]] isn’t anything like he ever thought. It’s a humbling blow. It’s a very human [[experience]].” <br> Solomon continues, “So I just don’t know. I didn’t get that experience watching the sequels. I think their priorities were slightly different and, I’m not an expert on why a movie works or doesn’t. Sometimes, I’ll think something’s going to be a giant hit and it isn’t, and vice versa. I can’t say for sure, all I can say is that during my own personal experience of writing [Men in Black] that was what was important, and I didn’t get those elements as much from the other movies. That was my own takeaway from being the [[writer]] of the first and an [[audience]] member of the others.” <br> Still, he’s quick to add that even if he didn’t think the sequels worked as a whole, there were still things to like. <br> “I enjoyed parts of all of them. They just weren’t the way I would have done it, but I didn’t have the opportunity because I wasn’t working on them.” That might be so, but if and when someone else takes a crack at MIB, perhaps these are insights worth sitting on a [[w:Park bench|park bench]] and appreciating here. ** [[w:Ed Solomon|Ed Solomon]] as quoted by David Crow, Tony Sokol; [https://www.denofgeek.com/movies/where-men-in-black-sequels-went-wrong/ “Where the Men in Black Sequels Went Wrong”], Den of Geek, (July 14, 2021) * “Men in Black” is set in [[New York]] at the suggestion of its director, a native son, and that sets up inventive use of such landmarks as the [[w:Solomon R. Guggenheim Museum|Guggenheim Museum]], the old [[w:1964 New York World's Fair|World’s Fair]] grounds in [[w:Queens|Queens]] and the [[w:Battery Park|Battery Park]] vent room for the [[w:Holland Tunnel|Holland Tunnel]], plus the expected jokes about what percentage of cabbies are not of this Earth. <br> Hard to ignore because it’s partly unexpected is the film’s slime factor. “Men in Black” has periodic moments of gross-out humor that will not be to everyone’s taste, and when Edgar the invader finally reveals himself, he turns out to be more disturbing and off-putting than the film’s genial tone would have you expect. <br> But mostly what you get with “Men in Black” is the opportunity to spend some quality time with the Kings of Cool in a world where inconvenient memories get erased and supermarket tabloids offer the most reliable alien tips. It’s not the traditional world where only the bad guys wore [[black]], but you but you already knew that, didn’t you? ** [[w:Kenneth Turan|Kenneth Turan]], [https://www.latimes.com/archives/la-xpm-1997-jul-01-ca-8496-story.html “The Outer Limits of Fun : ‘Men in Black’ takes the alien theme, twists it in hip directions and adds some cool sight gags”], ''Los Angeles Times'', (July 1, 1997). == Cast == * [[Tommy Lee Jones]] as Kevin Brown / Agent K * [[Will Smith]] as James Darrell Edwards III / Agent J * [[w:Vincent D'Onofrio|Vincent D'Onofrio]] as Edgar the Bug * [[w:Linda Fiorentino|Linda Fiorentino]] as Dr. Laurel Weaver / Agent L * [[w:Rip Torn|Rip Torn]] as Chief Zed * [[w:Tony Shalhoub|Tony Shalhoub]] as Jack Jeebs * [[w:Siobhan Fallon Hogan|Siobhan Fallon Hogan]] as Beatrice * [[w:Mike Nussbaum|Mike Nussbaum]] as Gentle Rosenberg * [[w:Jon Gries|Jon Gries]] as Van Driver * [[w:Sergio Calderón|Sergio Calderón]] as Jose * [[w:Carel Struycken|Carel Struycken]] as Arquillian * [[w:Fredric Lehne|Fredric Lehne]] as INS Agent Janus * [[w:Kent Faulcon|Kent Faulcon]] as 2nd Lt. Jake Jensen * [[w:Richard Hamilton|Richard Hamilton]] as Agent D * [[David Cross]] as Newton the Morgue Attendant * [[w:Tim Blaney|Tim Blaney]] as Frank the Pug (voice) * [[w:Scottie Ray|Scottie Ray]] as Mikey and additional alien voices == See also == * ''[[Men in Black: The Series]]'' (1997-2001) * ''[[Men in Black II]]'' (2002) * ''[[Men in Black 3]]'' (2012) == External links == {{wikipedia|Men in Black (film)}} * {{imdb title| id=0119654| title=Men in Black}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Men in Black 1}} [[Category:Men in Black (franchise)]] [[Category:1997 films]] [[Category:Barry Sonnenfeld films]] [[Category:American films]] [[Category:Apocalyptic films]] [[Category:Comedy science fiction films]] [[Category:Films set in New York City]] [[Category:Action comedy films]] pytc9142v8h4l5k1pbqpjwxlx7ljdnp 3153159 3153154 2022-08-10T08:23:50Z 173.70.206.72 /* Dialogue */ wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Men In Black logo.png|thumb|Oh yeah, it's [[worth]] it...If you're [[strong]] enough.]] [[File:MiB.svg|thumb|You'll dress only in attire specially sanctioned by MIB Special Services. You'll conform to the identity we give you, eat where we tell you, live where we tell you. From now on, you'll have no identifying marks of any kind. You'll not stand out in any way. Your entire image is crafted to leave no lasting memory with anyone you encounter. You're a rumor, recognizable only as déjà vu and dismissed just as quickly. You don't exist. You were never even born. Anonymity is your name, silence your native tongue. You're no longer part of the System. You are ''above'' the System. Over it. Beyond it. We're "them". We're "they". ''We are the Men in Black.'']] {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Men in Black (1997 film)|Men in Black]]''''' is a [[w:1997 in film|1997 film]] about a street-smart cop from the [[w:New York City Police Department|New York City Police Department]] who is recruited by a veteran government agent to a secret government agency that monitors and polices alien activity on Earth, unbeknownst to the public. :''Directed by [[w:Barry Sonnenfeld|Barry Sonnenfeld]]. Written by [[w:Ed Solomon|Ed Solomon]], based on [[w:The Men in Black (comics)|The Men in Black]] by [[w:Lowell Cunningham|Lowell Cunningham]].'' {{center|'''Protecting the earth from the scum of the universe.'''}} == Agent K == [[File:ExpoSYFY_-_Men_in_Black_(10825842074).jpg|thumb|I want you on the next transport off this rock, or I'm gonna shoot you where it don't grow back.]] * You sold a reverberating carbonizer with mutate capacity to an unlicensed cephalopoid, Jeebs, you piece of...! * ''[to Jeebs]'' I want you on the next transport off this rock, or I'm gonna shoot you where it don't grow back. * <!-- "A person ..." per the original script. -->A ''person'' is smart. ''People'' are dumb, panicky, dangerous animals, and you know it! * 1,500 years ago, everybody ''knew'' that the Earth was the center of the universe. 500 years ago, everybody ''knew'' that the Earth was flat. And 15 minutes ago, you ''knew'' that humans were alone on this planet. Imagine what you'll ''know'' tomorrow. * That is a lot of fun, it's a universal translator. We're not even supposed to have it, and I'll tell you why: human thought is so primitive, it's looked upon as an infectious disease in some of the better galaxies. That kind of makes you proud, doesn't it? * ''[after J accidentally activates a device that causes havoc around the headquarters]'' This thing caused the [[w:New York City blackout of 1977|1977 New York blackout]]. Practical joke by the [[w:Great Attractor|Great Attractor]]. He thought it was funny as hell. * Imagine a giant cockroach, with unlimited strength, a massive inferiority complex, and a ''real'' short temper, is tear-assing around Manhattan island in a brand new Edgar suit. That sound like fun? * [to Beatrice] No, ma'am. We at the FBI do not have a sense of [[humor]] we're aware of. == James Darrell Edwards / Agent J == [[File:Badge_of_the_New_York_City_Police_Department.png|thumb|You see this?! Huh?! NYPD! Means I will k<u>n</u>ock <u>y</u>our <u>p</u>unk-ass <u>d</u>own!]] * You see this?! Huh?! NYPD! Means I will k<u>n</u>ock <u>y</u>our <u>p</u>unk-ass <u>d</u>own! * You trying to catch a beat-down, huh?! * ''[to Agent K, while wearing his suit for the first time]'' You know what the difference is between you and me? I make this look ''good''. == Dr. Laurel Weaver == [[File:Otakuthon_2014-_Men_in_Black_(14850563279).jpg|thumb|Interesting job you guys got.]] * I hate the living. * ''[examining Rosenberg's corpse]'' Oh, my God! ''[laughs]'' Whoa, buddy, what are you? * ''[to J and K]'' Interesting job you guys have. == Jack Jeebs == * ''[Regrowing his head after K has blown it off]'' You insensitive prick! Do you have any idea how much that stings? * ''[after being yelled at by K for selling a reverberating carbonizer with mutate capacity to an unlicensed cephalopoid]'' He looked alright to me! == Zed == * ''[voiceover, as Edwards becomes Agent J]'' You'll dress only in attire specially sanctioned by MIB Special Services. You'll conform to the identity we give you, eat where we tell you, live where we tell you. From now on, you'll have no identifying marks of any kind. You'll not stand out in any way. Your entire image is crafted to leave no lasting memory with anyone you encounter. You're a rumor, recognizable only as déjà vu and dismissed just as quickly. You don't exist. You were never even born. Anonymity is your name, silence your native tongue. You're no longer part of the System. You are ''above'' the System. Over it. Beyond it. We're "them". We're "they". ''We are the Men in Black.'' * We're not hosting an intergalactic kegger down here. * The twins keep us on Centaurian time, standard 37-hour day. Give it a few months. You'll get used to it. Or you'll have a psychotic episode. * Containment may be a moot point, old friend. The exodus continues. It's like the party's over and the last one to leave gets stuck with the check. * ''[Yelling at the worms as they desert their posts]'' '''YOU SORRY LITTLE INGRATES!''' == Dialogue == :'''Agent K''': ''Que dices si te rompo la cara?''(What do you say if I break your face?) ''[the Guy smiles and nods. He stops, and his own smile broadens and he drops a hand on the Guy's shoulder]'' ''No hablas ni una palabra del español, verdad, amigo?'' (You don't speak a word of Spanish, do you, friend?) ''[again, the Guy smiles and nods. He looks back at Agent D]'' We got a winner. ''[to the others];; Los restos estan libres a irse. Lárgense! (The rest of you are free to go. Scram!) <hr width="50%" /> :'''Edgar''': ''[from inside the house]'' I go out, I work my butt off to make a living, all I want is to come home to a nice clean house, with a nice fat steak on the table, but instead, I get this. It looks like poison. Don't you take that away! I'm eating that, dammit! It '''''is''''' poison, isn't it? I swear to God, I would not be surprised if it was, the way you skulk around here like a dog been hit too much, or ain't been hit enough. I can't make up my mind. You're useless, Beatrice. The only thing that pulls its weight around here is my ''goddamn truck''! ''[an alien spaceship crashes into his truck. opens the door with a shotgun in his hand, he surveys the wreckage]'' Figures. ''[begins to walk over to the wreckage]'' :'''Beatrice''': ''[comes out to see the wreckage]'' What the heck is it, Edgar? :'''Edgar''': Get your big butt back in the house! :''[Beatrice, annoyed, went back inside as Edgar walks to the crater]'' :'''Bug''': ''[unseen]'' Place projectile weapon on the ground. :'''Edgar''': You can have my gun... ''[cocks it]'' when you pry it [[Charlton Heston#Quotes|from my cold dead fingers]]. :'''Bug''': Your proposal is acceptable. :''[The Bug seizes Edgar and pulls him down into the pit, eating him up. Then the Bug takes Edgar's lifeless skin and puts them on. The Bug, disguised as Edgar, comes out of the wreckage, and enters the house]'' :'''Beatrice''': Edgar, what on earth was that? :'''Edgar/Bug''': Sugar. :'''Beatrice''': I've never seen sugar do that. :'''Edgar/Bug''': Give me...sugar. ''[Beatrice holds up the sugar bowl from the kitchen table]'' In water. ''[she puts a teaspoon of sugar into a glass of water and holds it up]'' More. ''[confused, Beatrice adds some more sugar to the glass]'' More. :''[She empties all the sugar into the glass and gives it to Edgar/Bug, who noisily guzzles it]'' :'''Beatrice''': Edgar, your skin is hangin' off your bones. :'''Edgar/Bug''': Huh? ''[looks at his reflection]'' Oh, yeah. ''[grabbing his scalp and stretches it back against his skull]'' There. Is that better? :''[A shocked Beatrice faints]'' <hr width="50%" /> :'''Inspector''': Why is it that no other officers saw either of these events? :'''James''': Some other officers are soggy around the midsection. :'''Sergeant''': Hey, Edwards, if you were half the man I am- :'''James''': What do you mean? I am half the man you are. <hr width="50%" /> :''[The training session for the potential recruits has ended stupidly]'' :'''Zed''': Edwards, what the hell happened?! :'''James''': Hesitated. :'''Zed''': ''[brings forward the cardboard cutout of "Tiffany" with a hole in her head]'' May I ask why you felt little Tiffany deserved to die? :'''James''': She was the only one who actually seemed dangerous at the time, sir. :'''Zed''': How'd you come to that conclusion? :'''James''': Well first, I was gonna pop this guy hangin' from the streetlight...then I realized he's just workin' out. How'd I feel if somebody come runnin' in the gym-bust me in my ass while I'm on the treadmill? Then I saw this snarling beast guy...and I noticed he had a tissue in his hand and realized...he's not '''''snarling''''', he's '''''sneezing'''''. Ain't no real threat there. Then I saw Tiffany. I'm thinkin', y'know, eight-year-old white girl, middle of the ghetto...bunch of monsters this time of night with quantum physics books? She 'bout to start some shit, Zed. She's about eight years old. Those books are '''way''' too advanced for her. If you ask me, I'd say she's up to somethin'. To be honest, I'd appreciate it if you eased up off my back about it. ''[Zed looks at him]'' Or do I owe her an apology? ''[Zed leaves the room]'' That's a good shot though. <hr width="50%" /> :''[K and James are walking down a corridor at MIB headquarters. K hands James a file.]'' :'''Agent K''': Back in the mid-1950s the government started a little, underfunded agency with the simple and laughable purpose of establishing contact with a race not of this planet. Everybody thought the agency was a joke, except the aliens who made contact March 2, 1961, outside New York. There were nine of us the first night: seven agents, one astronomer, and one dumb kid who got lost on the wrong back road. :'''James''': ''[noticing a picture of agents giving an alien flowers]'' Aww, you brought that tall man some flowers. :'''Agent K''': ''points]'' This way. They were a group of intergalactic refugees. Wanted to use the earth as an apolitical zone for creatures without a planet. Did you ever seen the movie ''[[Casablanca]]''? ''[James nods]'' Same thing, 'cept no Nazis. :'''James''': Oh. :'''Agent K''': We agreed, and we concealed all the evidence of their landing. :'''James''': ''[looking at the picture]'' Uh-huh, so these are real flying saucers, and the World's Fair was just a cover-up for their landing. :'''Agent K''': Why else would we hold it in Queens? More non-humans arrive every year and they live among us in secret. :'''James''': Uh, look, I'm sorry, not to change the subject or anything, but when was the last time you had a CAT scan? :'''Agent K''': 'Bout six months ago, it's company policy. :'''James''': Right, you should make another appointment. Um, look, tell your boy Zed I had an absolutely wonderful time, and thank you for everything, but... ''[handing the file back]'' ...why don't you show me the door? <hr width="50%" /> :'''Agent K''': All right, kid, here's the deal. At any given time there are around fifteen hundred aliens on the planet, most of them right here in Manhattan. And most of them are decent enough, they're just trying to make a living. :'''James''': Cab drivers. :'''Agent K''': No, not as many as you'd think. Humans, for the most part, don't have a clue. They don't want one or need one, either. They're happy. They think they have a good bead on things. :'''James''': Why the big secret? People are smart. They can handle it. :'''Agent K''': A ''person'' is smart. ''People'' are dumb, panicky, dangerous animals and you know it. Fifteen hundred years ago, everybody ''knew'' the Earth was the center of the universe. Five hundred years ago, everybody ''knew'' the Earth was flat. And fifteen minutes ago, you ''knew'' that people were alone on this planet. Imagine what you'll ''know'' tomorrow. :'''James''': What's the catch? :'''Agent K''': The catch? The catch is you will sever every human contact. Nobody will ever know you exist anywhere...Ever. I'll give you 'til sunrise to think it over. ''[walks away]'' :'''James''': Hey! Is it worth it? :'''Agent K''': Oh yeah, it's worth it. ''[pause]'' If you're strong enough. <hr width="50%" /> :'''James''': All right. I'm in, because there's some next-level shit goin’ on around here, and I'm with that. But before you get to beamin' me up, there's a couple of things I want you to understand. First off, you chose me, so you recognize the skills, and I don't want nobody callin' me "son" or "kid" or "sport" or nothin' like that. Cool? :'''Kay''': Cool, whatever you say, slick. But I need to tell you something about all your "skills". ''[they enter MIB headquarters]'' As of right now, they mean precisely...dick. <hr width="50%" /> :'''Agent K''': ''[neuralyzing Beatrice after she tells them her story]'' Alright, Beatrice, there was no alien. The flash of light you saw in the sky was not a UFO. Swamp gas from a weather balloon was trapped in a thermal pocket, and refracted light from Venus. :'''Agent J''': Wait, wait, wait a minute. So, you just flash that thing, it erases her memory, and you just come up with a new one? :'''Agent K''': A standard issue Neuralyzer. :'''Agent J''': And that weak-ass story's the best you can come up with? :'''Agent K''': Yeah. ''[to Beatrice]'' On a more personal note, Beatrice, Edgar ran off with an old girlfriend. You're gonna go stay with your mom a couple nights, you're gonna get over it, and decide you're better off. :'''Agent J''': Well, yeah, 'cause, 'cause, he never appreciated you anyway. In fact, you know what, ''you'' kicked ''him'' out! And now that he's gone, you're gonna go in town, go to Bloomingdale's, get yourself some nice dresses, get yourself some shoes, go somewhere maybe, get a facial, and, uh, oh, hire a decorator to come into this place quick, 'cause, ''damn''! :''[Beatrice is looking at J with a blank stare]'' <hr width="50%" /> :''[A police officer pushes a stretcher with Rosenberg's corpse and a cat on top]'' :'''Police Officer''': Where do you want contestant number three? :'''Dr. Laurel Weaver''': Just leave it there. <hr width="50%" /> :'''Dr. Laurel Weaver''': Look at this. :'''Agent J''': What the hell was that? :''[J touches Rosenberg’s ear and it unlocks the head showing a small control room containing alien Rosenberg]'' :'''Little Green Alien Gentle Rosenberg''': ''[struggling to speak]'' Must.....To Prevent.....Contest. :'''Agent J''': It's okay. What are you tryin' to say? :'''Little Green Alien Gentle Rosenberg''': Prevent. :'''Agent J''': Prevent. Struggle? :'''Little Green Alien Gentle Rosenberg''': [shaking his head] No...To Prevent. :'''Dr. Laurel Weaver''': War? :'''Little Green Alien Gentle Rosenberg''': [nodding his head up and down slowly] War. The galaxy...is on...Orion's....Be-be---What is word? :'''Agent J''': Bed? Belt? Orion's Belt? [Little Green Alien Gentle Rosenberg nods as the control room shuts down and he dies; Orion looks down from a ledge and meows] ''To prevent war the galaxy is on Orion's belt.'' What the hell does that mean? ''[to K]'' Dr., uh...Whatever, come here. :'''Dr. Laurel Weaver''': Dr. Whatever? Hey, you guys aren't really from the Department of Health, are you? :'''Agent K''': Rosenberg. Aw, damn. The Arquillians are not gonna like this. This guy was one of the royal family. :'''Dr. Laurel Weaver''': I knew it. This is an alien, and you guys are from some government agency trying to keep it under wraps. <hr width="50%" /> :'''Dr. Laurel Weaver''': ''[still disoriented from being neuralyzed]'' Hey, whoever you guys are, you're gonna have to show me some ID if you're gonna be in the morgue. :'''Agent K''': Oh, yes, of course, young lady. Have a look at this for me, please. ''[neuralyzes her again]'' :'''Agent J''': [before he can fully put his shades on to protect himself from the flash of the neuralyzer] Would you '''''stop that?!''''' :'''Agent K''': What?! :'''Agent J''': That thing is gonna give her brain cancer or somethin'! :'''Agent K''': Never hurt her before. Look, we've gotta get all the doors closed around here. Special Services'll be here any minute. :'''Agent J''': "Never hurt her before"? How many times have you flashy-thinged that poor woman?! :'''Agent K''': Couple. :'''Agent J''': So, what, are you not worried about no long-term damage? :'''Agent K''': A little. :'''Agent J''': K, have you ever flashy-thinged me? :'''Agent K''': No. :'''Agent J''': I ain't playin’ wit you, K, have you ever flashy-thinged me?! :'''Agent K''': No. <hr width="50%" /> :''[As K and J arrive at the morgue to get Orion]'' :'''Agent J''': Look, K, why don't you let me handle this one? :'''Agent K''': What? :'''Agent J''': Come on, man, all we gotta do is go in here and get a cat, it's not really that hard. But if you go in there, you're gonna lay your Jack Webb on her, start flashin' your brain ray all in her face, she's gonna wind up with leukemia and some shit. The woman's a doctor, she don't need you flashin' away half her med school classes. Five minutes. :'''Agent K''': Two minutes. :''[J goes in and K waits outside]'' <hr width="50%" /> :''[Facing off with the Bug in the morgue, as he holds Laurel at gunpoint]'' :'''Agent K''': Freeze it, Bug! :'''Agent J''': Don't shoot! Don't shoot! :'''Dr. Laurel Weaver''': Christ, you are thick! :'''Agent J''': Look, how was I supposed to know?! :'''Dr. Laurel Weaver''': What did I have to do, sing it for you?! :'''Agent J''': Well, if you weren't coming on like some drunken prom date...! :'''Dr. Laurel Weaver''': Oh, God, that is so typical! Any woman who shows yet the slightest hint of sexual independence...! :'''Edgar/Bug''': Oh, everybody shut up! :'''Agent K''': Let her go, shiteater. :'''Edgar/Bug''': Now listen, monkey-boy! Compared to you humans, I'm on the top rung of the evolutionary ladder! So can it, all right?! :'''Agent K''': You're breakin' my heart. Show me your face and I'll cure all your ills. :'''Edgar/Bug''': You ever pulled the wings off a fly? Do you care to see the fly get even?! :'''Agent K''': How far do you think you're gonna get without your ship, if that's what you call that piece of space trash we've got locked up in the office? :'''Edgar/Bug''': Put your weapons down! :'''Agent K''': Never gonna happen, insect. :'''Agent J''': It's okay, Laurel. :'''Dr. Laurel Weaver''': How...is...it...okay? :'''Agent J''': I'm sayin’ it's gon' '''''be''''' okay. :'''Edgar/Bug''': Don't bet on it, meatsack! ''[takes Laurel, who screams, and jumps out the window onto the street]'' <hr width="50%" /> :'''Agent J''': You ''do'' know Elvis is dead, right? :'''Agent K''': No, Elvis is ''not'' dead, he just went home. <hr width="50%" /> :'''Dr. Laurel Weaver''': You don't wanna eat me. I'm a very important person on my planet. Like a queen. A goddess, even! There are those who worship me! I'm not telling you this to try to impress you, I'm just letting you know, it could start a war! :'''Edgar/Bug''': Good, war! That means more food for my family, all seventy-eight million of them. That's a lot of mouths to feed, Your Highness. :'''Dr. Laurel Weaver''': You're a wonderful dad, but I'm staying here! :''[Edgar throws Laurel in a nearby tree and continues up the ladder into the ship]'' <hr width="50%" /> :'''Agent J''': ''[after stepping on a cockroach, causing the Bug to freeze as he is climbing to the remaining ship]'' Uh-oh. I'm sorry. Was that your auntie? ''[the Bug turns toward J with a furious snarl]'' Oh. Then that must mean that-that's your uncle, then, huh? ''[points at another cockroach at his feet before squashing it]'' Y'know y'all look alike. ''[enraged, the Bug descends to the ground and approaches him]'' Well, well. Big bad bug got a bit of a soft spot, huh? ''[squishes another cockroach; the Bug snarls in anger]'' See, what I can't understand is why you gotta come down bringin' all this ruckus! Snatchin' up galaxies and everything. ''[Laurel watches as the Bug moves closer to Agent J]'' My attitude is don't '''''start''''' nothin', won't '''''be''''' nothin’! ''[crushes two more cockroaches as the Bug walks right up to him, seething with anger]'' You need to ease up out my face before somethin' bad happen to you. ''[K loads his gun within the Bug's stomach; smiles]'' Too late. :''[K shoots, blowing the Bug in half and freeing himself. They are covered in bug guts. J picks up the galaxy]'' :'''Agent K''': ''[calling the headquarters]'' Zed, call the Arquillians, tell them we have the galaxy. :'''Zed''': ''[on the phone]'' You got it, friend. :''[K hangs up]'' :'''Agent J''': Goin' to get ya gun back, huh? :'''Agent K''': I like this gun. :'''Agent J''': Yeah, well, while you were in there playin' around, I was down here doin' all the work. First, I had to bean him in the head with the big rock. Then I was gonna hit him with a two by four. He kicked me. Y'know, it hurt. Then I got the fire. I was "yah!" with the fire. :''[Unknown to them, the half of the Bug creeps up to them]'' :'''Agent K''': Not bad for your second day of work is it? :'''Agent J''': This definitely rates a 9.0 on my Weird Shit-o-Meter. :'''Agent K''': Should've been here for the Zeronian migration in 1968. I guess you weren't even alive in '68. :''[The half of the Bug appears behind them and was about to eat them, but is blasted to pieces. They turn around to see Laurel, who's holding the big gun]'' :'''Laurel''': ''[grinning]'' Interesting job you guys have. <hr width="50%" /> :'''Agent J''': Look, I know we got rules, but she did just bust the Bug for us. And so maybe you don't have to flashy thing her. ''[Kay pulls out the neuralyzer]'' Who's she gonna tell, anyway? She only hangs out with dead people. :'''Agent K''': It's not for her. It's for me. ''[looking up at the sky]'' They're beautiful, aren't they? The stars. I never just look anymore and they're beautiful. :'''Agent J''': Kay, you're frightening your partner. :'''Agent K''': I haven't been training a partner–I've been training a replacement. :'''Agent J''': Oh no, I can't do this job by myself. :'''Dr. Laurel Weaver''': ''[walking towards them]'' Hey, guys, my apartment isn’t anywhere near here. It’s not even on the same island. :'''Agent K''': Maybe you won't have to. : [Kay starts dialing back the neuralyzer.] :'''Agent K''': Days. Months. Years. Always face it forward. : [He hands the neuralyzer to Jay. Taps his pocket. Indicates for him to put his glasses on. Jay resists.] :'''Agent K''': I've just been down the gullet of an interstellar cockroach. That's one of a hundred memories I don't want. ''[Jay takes the neuralyzer. Slips on his glasses]'' See you around, sport. :'''Agent J''': ''[raising the neuralyzer]'' No, you won't. :''[And with a brilliant flash, the screen turns white]'' <hr width="50%" /> :''[Last lines]'' :''[A copy of the New York Post with the headline "Detroit Has Car That Defies Gravity" is shown. A tabloid is then shown on top of it with the headline "N.Y. Mets Centerfielder Says: UFO Made Me Miss Home Run!". The National Enquirer is then shown on top of that with the headline "Medical Miracle! Man Awakens from 35-Year Coma! Returns to girl he left behind". A picture of K with his girlfriend is on the cover. We see a shot of J looking down. He puts his shades on and collects the papers with hot dog in his other hand. Laurel is seen to have joined MIB as J's new partner]'' :'''Agent L''': Hey, J! Zed called. The High Councilor from Solaxiant 9 wants floor seats for the Knicks-Bulls game. :'''Agent J''': All right, let's put in a call to Dennis Rodman. He's from that planet. ''[hands L her hot dog]'' :'''Agent L''': Rodman? You're kidding. :'''Agent J''': Nope. :'''Agent L''': Not much of a disguise. == About ''{{PAGENAME}}'' == [[File:Men in Black Alien Attack queue 05.jpg|thumb|[T]he Men in Black aren't merry entrepreneurs, like the [[Ghostbusters]]. They're cold-blooded bureaucrats whose job is to [[control]] and suppress [[information]]. ~ [[w:Mick LaSalle|Mick LaSalle]]]] [[File:The_Immigrants-Luis_Sanguino-Battery_Park_NYC.jpg|thumb|It seems to me like the sequels weren’t dealing with the [[humanity]] of the [first] movie. The other thing that I really loved in writing the first Men in Black was that it really was about how we humans think we’re so [[important]], but in fact we don’t [[know]] anything that’s really going on. And so that was a very [[human]] [[experience]], and to me, the story of Men in Black was about a [[w:Cocky|cocky]] human being who gets [[humbled]] and realizes that he ain’t even close to the center of the [[universe]]. In fact, the universe, the world, what’s important, is [[nothing]] that he ever [[thought]] about. [[Reality]] isn’t anything like he ever thought. It’s a humbling blow. It’s a very human [[experience]]. ~ [[w:Ed Solomon|Ed Solomon]]]] [[File:Solomon-R-Guggenheim-Museum-Levels.jpg|thumb|“Men in Black” is set in [[New York]] at the suggestion of its director, a native son, and that sets up inventive use of such landmarks as the [[w:Solomon R. Guggenheim Museum|Guggenheim Museum]], the old [[w:1964 New York World's Fair|World’s Fair]] grounds in [[w:Queens|Queens]] and the [[w:Battery Park|Battery Park]] vent room for the [[w:Holland Tunnel|Holland Tunnel]], plus the expected jokes about what percentage of cabbies are not of this Earth. <br> Hard to ignore because it’s partly unexpected is the film’s slime factor. “Men in Black” has periodic moments of gross-out humor that will not be to everyone’s taste, and when Edgar the invader finally reveals himself, he turns out to be more disturbing and off-putting than the film’s genial tone would have you expect. <br> But mostly what you get with “Men in Black” is the opportunity to spend some quality time with the Kings of Cool in a world where inconvenient memories get erased and supermarket tabloids offer the most reliable alien tips. It’s not the traditional world where only the bad guys wore [[black]], but you but you already knew that, didn’t you? ~ [[w:Kenneth Turan|Kenneth Turan]]]] * "Men in Black," the second Will-Smith-versus-the- aliens picture, is a high- tech comedy, more along the lines of a tight little action movie than a bona fide blockbuster. It was the smallest of the big summer films, the most slickly made -- and the most old-fashioned. <br> Directed by Barry Sonnenfeld, "Men in Black" has the gloss and the wit of Sonnenfeld's other comedies ("Get Shorty," "The Addams Family"). Sonnenfeld uses odd angles and wide lenses to view the action with a sardonic eye, as if the onscreen events were a joke between director and audience. But if "Men in Black" is a joke, who's the joke on? ** [[w:Mick LaSalle|Mick LaSalle]], [https://www.sfchronicle.com/movies/article/Men-in-Black-Alienating-Comedy-2793109.php “Men in Black' Alienating Comedy”], ''San Francisco Chronicle'', (Nov. 28, 1997) * [T]he Men in Black aren't merry [[w:Entrepreneur|entrepreneurs]], like the [[Ghostbusters]]. They're cold-blooded bureaucrats whose job is to control and suppress information. ** [[w:Mick LaSalle|Mick LaSalle]], [https://www.sfchronicle.com/movies/article/Men-in-Black-Alienating-Comedy-2793109.php “Men in Black' Alienating Comedy”], ''San Francisco Chronicle'', (Nov. 28, 1997) * Men in Black came out just as [[w:Digital effects|digital effects]] were starting to rise to prominence and here they look very, very dated in almost every single shot. They almost feel like you could pause the movie, stick your hand onto the screen, and pull them off like a sticker. It’s that bad. On the other hand, that’s also because the film uses those effects so ambitiously. Men in Black uses full, CG characters years before [[Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace]] or [[The Lord of the Rings (films)|The Lord of the Rings]] did (though they were created differently). So although the effects date the film poorly, it’s also a little bit charming, since everything else in the movie works so well. <br> Put all of that together and 1997's Men in Black today looks, in 2019, like the Missing Link of Hollywood blockbusters. A film that bridges the gap between the old and the new. It blends the legendary [[w:Amblin|Amblin]] tone of the ‘80s with the soon-to-be-prevalent digital effects of the 2000s, under the umbrella of a [[w:Comic book movie|comic book adaptation]] that would spawn a larger [[w:Film franchise|franchise]], which is the kind of thing [[w:Movie studio|movie studios]] dream of. ** Germain Lussier, [https://io9.gizmodo.com/the-original-men-in-black-marked-a-transition-of-the-ho-1835203690 “The Original Men in Black Marked a Transition of the Hollywood Blockbuster”], ''IO9'', (6/04/19). * What would be the first question to ask a space alien newly arrived on planet Earth? The dryly clever ''Men in Black'' has a novel answer: ''Carrying any [[fruits]] or [[vegetables]]?'' This, you see, is business as usual for the film's top-secret police and immigration authorities, dapper black-suited types who keep tabs on stray spacelings in the New York area. There are a lot of these visitors. They come in all shapes and sizes. Some tote cartons of Marlboros for the trip back home. ** Janet Maslin, [https://www.nytimes.com/1997/07/01/movies/oh-aliens-business-as-usual.html “Oh, Aliens: Business As Usual”], ''New York Times'', (July 1, 1997). * There's a jarring discrepancy between the film's plot, which tosses around the fate of galaxies yet still manages to be inconsequential, and its imposing scale. Certain sets, like the pawnshop lighted by Edward Hopper and the vast Eero Saarinen-inspired Men in Black headquarters, are studied and elegant to the point of distraction. Yet with its production design by [[w:Bo Welch|Bo Welch]] (''[[Edward Scissorhands]],'' ''[[A Little Princess]]''), one of the enormously talented contributors to the film's overall look, ''Men in Black'' even makes its morgue inviting. (Scenes there feature [[w:Linda Fiorentino|Linda Fiorentino]], who deftly underplays the city's deputy medical examiner and certainly belongs in the same movie with the supremely unruffled, tacitly hilarious Mr. Jones.) <br> The film's technical team reflects exceptional stylistic harmony. Mr. Sonnenfeld, cinematographer on the early [[w:Coen brothers|Coen brothers]] films, invokes the eccentric clarity of their work and that of [[Tim Burton]] (whose usual composer, [[w:Danny Elfman|Danny Elfman]], contributes some black magic to the score). Mr. Welch also designed Mr. Burton's ''[[Beetlejuice]],'' while [[w:Rick Baker|Rick Baker]]'s amazing makeup effects are on the same weird wavelength. Industrial Light and Magic deserves star billing in a film with approximately 250 special-effects shots. (''[[Jurassic Park]]'' had 60.) The tricks don't share much continuity, but they can rock Mr. Smith in the tentacle of a space squid or make the Men in Blackmobile fly through the Midtown Tunnel upside down. A wonderfully playful coda will send you home with a smile. ** Janet Maslin, [https://www.nytimes.com/1997/07/01/movies/oh-aliens-business-as-usual.html “Oh, Aliens: Business As Usual”], ''New York Times'', (July 1, 1997). * Our Flick of the Week is the often hilarious "Men in Black," a smart, funny and hip adventure film in a summer of car wrecks and explosions. ** [[w:Gene Siskel|Gene Siskel]], [https://www.chicagotribune.com/news/ct-xpm-1997-07-04-9707040101-story.html “`MEN IN' BLACK' A CLEVER ROMP”], ''Chicago Tribune'', (July 4 1997). * In addition to a top-flight cast (Rip Torn is the big boss of the MIB), the behind-the-scenes talent involved in "Men in Black" is first-rate. [[w:Bo Welch|Bo Welch]], a three-time Oscar-nominated production designer, has created an MIB headquarters and research facility that is a hilarious mix of man, alien and machine. [[w:Ric Baker|Ric Baker]] is the master of movie creatures. And director [[w:Barry Sonnenfield|Barry Sonnenfield]] ("[[The Addams Family (film)|The Addams Family]]"), a former cinematographer, makes every shot look great. But if I had to pick the one person most responsible for the success of "Men in Black" it would be writer Ed Solomon, who invests all of his major characters with brains. ** [[w:Gene Siskel|Gene Siskel]], [https://www.chicagotribune.com/news/ct-xpm-1997-07-04-9707040101-story.html “`MEN IN' BLACK' A CLEVER ROMP”], ''Chicago Tribune'', (July 4 1997). * “I always felt like the[[ secret]] to Men in Black was not the [[sunglasses]] and the big [[guns]] and the [[coolness]], and the other surface level coolness of it,” Solomon says. “I always thought the secret of Men in Black was the [[generosity]] of [[spirit]]… It was the [[attitude]] of the film and its relationship to the [[audience]], which was more of a ‘Hey, everyone check this out, come join us on this [[journey]]. Take a look into this [[world]] that other people don’t know [[exists]]. Let’s go in it [[together]].” ** [[w:Ed Solomon|Ed Solomon]] as quoted by David Crow, Tony Sokol; [https://www.denofgeek.com/movies/where-men-in-black-sequels-went-wrong/ “Where the Men in Black Sequels Went Wrong”], Den of Geek, (July 14, 2021) *“It seems to me like the sequels weren’t dealing with the [[humanity]] of the [first] movie,” Solomon says. “The other thing that I really loved in writing the first Men in Black was that it really was about how we humans think we’re so important, but in fact we don’t [[know]] anything that’s really going on. And so that was a very [[human]] [[experience]], and to me, the story of Men in Black was about a [[w:Cocky|cocky]] human being who gets [[humbled]] and realizes that he ain’t even close to the center of the [[universe]]. In fact, the universe, the world, what’s important, is [[nothing]] that he ever [[thought]] about. [[Reality]] isn’t anything like he ever thought. It’s a humbling blow. It’s a very human [[experience]].” <br> Solomon continues, “So I just don’t know. I didn’t get that experience watching the sequels. I think their priorities were slightly different and, I’m not an expert on why a movie works or doesn’t. Sometimes, I’ll think something’s going to be a giant hit and it isn’t, and vice versa. I can’t say for sure, all I can say is that during my own personal experience of writing [Men in Black] that was what was important, and I didn’t get those elements as much from the other movies. That was my own takeaway from being the [[writer]] of the first and an [[audience]] member of the others.” <br> Still, he’s quick to add that even if he didn’t think the sequels worked as a whole, there were still things to like. <br> “I enjoyed parts of all of them. They just weren’t the way I would have done it, but I didn’t have the opportunity because I wasn’t working on them.” That might be so, but if and when someone else takes a crack at MIB, perhaps these are insights worth sitting on a [[w:Park bench|park bench]] and appreciating here. ** [[w:Ed Solomon|Ed Solomon]] as quoted by David Crow, Tony Sokol; [https://www.denofgeek.com/movies/where-men-in-black-sequels-went-wrong/ “Where the Men in Black Sequels Went Wrong”], Den of Geek, (July 14, 2021) * “Men in Black” is set in [[New York]] at the suggestion of its director, a native son, and that sets up inventive use of such landmarks as the [[w:Solomon R. Guggenheim Museum|Guggenheim Museum]], the old [[w:1964 New York World's Fair|World’s Fair]] grounds in [[w:Queens|Queens]] and the [[w:Battery Park|Battery Park]] vent room for the [[w:Holland Tunnel|Holland Tunnel]], plus the expected jokes about what percentage of cabbies are not of this Earth. <br> Hard to ignore because it’s partly unexpected is the film’s slime factor. “Men in Black” has periodic moments of gross-out humor that will not be to everyone’s taste, and when Edgar the invader finally reveals himself, he turns out to be more disturbing and off-putting than the film’s genial tone would have you expect. <br> But mostly what you get with “Men in Black” is the opportunity to spend some quality time with the Kings of Cool in a world where inconvenient memories get erased and supermarket tabloids offer the most reliable alien tips. It’s not the traditional world where only the bad guys wore [[black]], but you but you already knew that, didn’t you? ** [[w:Kenneth Turan|Kenneth Turan]], [https://www.latimes.com/archives/la-xpm-1997-jul-01-ca-8496-story.html “The Outer Limits of Fun : ‘Men in Black’ takes the alien theme, twists it in hip directions and adds some cool sight gags”], ''Los Angeles Times'', (July 1, 1997). == Cast == * [[Tommy Lee Jones]] as Kevin Brown / Agent K * [[Will Smith]] as James Darrell Edwards III / Agent J * [[w:Vincent D'Onofrio|Vincent D'Onofrio]] as Edgar the Bug * [[w:Linda Fiorentino|Linda Fiorentino]] as Dr. Laurel Weaver / Agent L * [[w:Rip Torn|Rip Torn]] as Chief Zed * [[w:Tony Shalhoub|Tony Shalhoub]] as Jack Jeebs * [[w:Siobhan Fallon Hogan|Siobhan Fallon Hogan]] as Beatrice * [[w:Mike Nussbaum|Mike Nussbaum]] as Gentle Rosenberg * [[w:Jon Gries|Jon Gries]] as Van Driver * [[w:Sergio Calderón|Sergio Calderón]] as Jose * [[w:Carel Struycken|Carel Struycken]] as Arquillian * [[w:Fredric Lehne|Fredric Lehne]] as INS Agent Janus * [[w:Kent Faulcon|Kent Faulcon]] as 2nd Lt. Jake Jensen * [[w:Richard Hamilton|Richard Hamilton]] as Agent D * [[David Cross]] as Newton the Morgue Attendant * [[w:Tim Blaney|Tim Blaney]] as Frank the Pug (voice) * [[w:Scottie Ray|Scottie Ray]] as Mikey and additional alien voices == See also == * ''[[Men in Black: The Series]]'' (1997-2001) * ''[[Men in Black II]]'' (2002) * ''[[Men in Black 3]]'' (2012) == External links == {{wikipedia|Men in Black (film)}} * {{imdb title| id=0119654| title=Men in Black}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Men in Black 1}} [[Category:Men in Black (franchise)]] [[Category:1997 films]] [[Category:Barry Sonnenfeld films]] [[Category:American films]] [[Category:Apocalyptic films]] [[Category:Comedy science fiction films]] [[Category:Films set in New York City]] [[Category:Action comedy films]] 8paaiuvnfhvhzspbd7xj5ldty3goigc 3153161 3153159 2022-08-10T08:35:24Z 173.70.206.72 /* Agent K */ wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Men In Black logo.png|thumb|Oh yeah, it's [[worth]] it...If you're [[strong]] enough.]] [[File:MiB.svg|thumb|You'll dress only in attire specially sanctioned by MIB Special Services. You'll conform to the identity we give you, eat where we tell you, live where we tell you. From now on, you'll have no identifying marks of any kind. You'll not stand out in any way. Your entire image is crafted to leave no lasting memory with anyone you encounter. You're a rumor, recognizable only as déjà vu and dismissed just as quickly. You don't exist. You were never even born. Anonymity is your name, silence your native tongue. You're no longer part of the System. You are ''above'' the System. Over it. Beyond it. We're "them". We're "they". ''We are the Men in Black.'']] {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Men in Black (1997 film)|Men in Black]]''''' is a [[w:1997 in film|1997 film]] about a street-smart cop from the [[w:New York City Police Department|New York City Police Department]] who is recruited by a veteran government agent to a secret government agency that monitors and polices alien activity on Earth, unbeknownst to the public. :''Directed by [[w:Barry Sonnenfeld|Barry Sonnenfeld]]. Written by [[w:Ed Solomon|Ed Solomon]], based on [[w:The Men in Black (comics)|The Men in Black]] by [[w:Lowell Cunningham|Lowell Cunningham]].'' {{center|'''Protecting the earth from the scum of the universe.'''}} == Agent K == [[File:ExpoSYFY_-_Men_in_Black_(10825842074).jpg|thumb|I want you on the next transport off this rock, or I'm gonna shoot you where it don't grow back.]] * You sold a reverberating carbonizer with mutate capacity to an unlicensed cephalopoid, Jeebs, you piece of...! * ''[To Jeebs]'' I want you on the next transport off this rock, or I'm gonna shoot you where it don't grow back. * A ''person'' is smart. ''People'' are dumb, panicky, dangerous animals, and you know it. * 1,500 years ago, everybody ''knew'' that the Earth was the center of the universe. 500 years ago, everybody ''knew'' that the Earth was flat. And 15 minutes ago, you ''knew'' that humans were alone on this planet. Imagine what you'll ''know'' tomorrow. * That is a lot of fun, it's a universal translator. We're not even supposed to have it, and I'll tell you why: human thought is so primitive, it's looked upon as an infectious disease in some of the better galaxies. That kind of makes you proud, doesn't it? * ''[After J accidentally activates a device that causes havoc around the headquarters]'' This thing caused the [[w:New York City blackout of 1977|1977 New York blackout]]. Practical joke by the [[w:Great Attractor|Great Attractor]]. He thought it was funny as hell. * Imagine a giant cockroach, with unlimited strength, a massive inferiority complex, and a ''real'' short temper, is tear-assing around Manhattan island in a brand new Edgar suit. That sound like fun? * ''[To Beatrice]'' No, ma'am. We at the FBI do not have a sense of [[humor]] we're aware of. == James Darrell Edwards / Agent J == [[File:Badge_of_the_New_York_City_Police_Department.png|thumb|You see this?! Huh?! NYPD! Means I will k<u>n</u>ock <u>y</u>our <u>p</u>unk-ass <u>d</u>own!]] * You see this?! Huh?! NYPD! Means I will k<u>n</u>ock <u>y</u>our <u>p</u>unk-ass <u>d</u>own! * You trying to catch a beat-down, huh?! * ''[to Agent K, while wearing his suit for the first time]'' You know what the difference is between you and me? I make this look ''good''. == Dr. Laurel Weaver == [[File:Otakuthon_2014-_Men_in_Black_(14850563279).jpg|thumb|Interesting job you guys got.]] * I hate the living. * ''[examining Rosenberg's corpse]'' Oh, my God! ''[laughs]'' Whoa, buddy, what are you? * ''[to J and K]'' Interesting job you guys have. == Jack Jeebs == * ''[Regrowing his head after K has blown it off]'' You insensitive prick! Do you have any idea how much that stings? * ''[after being yelled at by K for selling a reverberating carbonizer with mutate capacity to an unlicensed cephalopoid]'' He looked alright to me! == Zed == * ''[voiceover, as Edwards becomes Agent J]'' You'll dress only in attire specially sanctioned by MIB Special Services. You'll conform to the identity we give you, eat where we tell you, live where we tell you. From now on, you'll have no identifying marks of any kind. You'll not stand out in any way. Your entire image is crafted to leave no lasting memory with anyone you encounter. You're a rumor, recognizable only as déjà vu and dismissed just as quickly. You don't exist. You were never even born. Anonymity is your name, silence your native tongue. You're no longer part of the System. You are ''above'' the System. Over it. Beyond it. We're "them". We're "they". ''We are the Men in Black.'' * We're not hosting an intergalactic kegger down here. * The twins keep us on Centaurian time, standard 37-hour day. Give it a few months. You'll get used to it. Or you'll have a psychotic episode. * Containment may be a moot point, old friend. The exodus continues. It's like the party's over and the last one to leave gets stuck with the check. * ''[Yelling at the worms as they desert their posts]'' '''YOU SORRY LITTLE INGRATES!''' == Dialogue == :'''Agent K''': ''Que dices si te rompo la cara?''(What do you say if I break your face?) ''[the Guy smiles and nods. He stops, and his own smile broadens and he drops a hand on the Guy's shoulder]'' ''No hablas ni una palabra del español, verdad, amigo?'' (You don't speak a word of Spanish, do you, friend?) ''[again, the Guy smiles and nods. He looks back at Agent D]'' We got a winner. ''[to the others];; Los restos estan libres a irse. Lárgense! (The rest of you are free to go. Scram!) <hr width="50%" /> :'''Edgar''': ''[from inside the house]'' I go out, I work my butt off to make a living, all I want is to come home to a nice clean house, with a nice fat steak on the table, but instead, I get this. It looks like poison. Don't you take that away! I'm eating that, dammit! It '''''is''''' poison, isn't it? I swear to God, I would not be surprised if it was, the way you skulk around here like a dog been hit too much, or ain't been hit enough. I can't make up my mind. You're useless, Beatrice. The only thing that pulls its weight around here is my ''goddamn truck''! ''[an alien spaceship crashes into his truck. opens the door with a shotgun in his hand, he surveys the wreckage]'' Figures. ''[begins to walk over to the wreckage]'' :'''Beatrice''': ''[comes out to see the wreckage]'' What the heck is it, Edgar? :'''Edgar''': Get your big butt back in the house! :''[Beatrice, annoyed, went back inside as Edgar walks to the crater]'' :'''Bug''': ''[unseen]'' Place projectile weapon on the ground. :'''Edgar''': You can have my gun... ''[cocks it]'' when you pry it [[Charlton Heston#Quotes|from my cold dead fingers]]. :'''Bug''': Your proposal is acceptable. :''[The Bug seizes Edgar and pulls him down into the pit, eating him up. Then the Bug takes Edgar's lifeless skin and puts them on. The Bug, disguised as Edgar, comes out of the wreckage, and enters the house]'' :'''Beatrice''': Edgar, what on earth was that? :'''Edgar/Bug''': Sugar. :'''Beatrice''': I've never seen sugar do that. :'''Edgar/Bug''': Give me...sugar. ''[Beatrice holds up the sugar bowl from the kitchen table]'' In water. ''[she puts a teaspoon of sugar into a glass of water and holds it up]'' More. ''[confused, Beatrice adds some more sugar to the glass]'' More. :''[She empties all the sugar into the glass and gives it to Edgar/Bug, who noisily guzzles it]'' :'''Beatrice''': Edgar, your skin is hangin' off your bones. :'''Edgar/Bug''': Huh? ''[looks at his reflection]'' Oh, yeah. ''[grabbing his scalp and stretches it back against his skull]'' There. Is that better? :''[A shocked Beatrice faints]'' <hr width="50%" /> :'''Inspector''': Why is it that no other officers saw either of these events? :'''James''': Some other officers are soggy around the midsection. :'''Sergeant''': Hey, Edwards, if you were half the man I am- :'''James''': What do you mean? I am half the man you are. <hr width="50%" /> :''[The training session for the potential recruits has ended stupidly]'' :'''Zed''': Edwards, what the hell happened?! :'''James''': Hesitated. :'''Zed''': ''[brings forward the cardboard cutout of "Tiffany" with a hole in her head]'' May I ask why you felt little Tiffany deserved to die? :'''James''': She was the only one who actually seemed dangerous at the time, sir. :'''Zed''': How'd you come to that conclusion? :'''James''': Well first, I was gonna pop this guy hangin' from the streetlight...then I realized he's just workin' out. How'd I feel if somebody come runnin' in the gym-bust me in my ass while I'm on the treadmill? Then I saw this snarling beast guy...and I noticed he had a tissue in his hand and realized...he's not '''''snarling''''', he's '''''sneezing'''''. Ain't no real threat there. Then I saw Tiffany. I'm thinkin', y'know, eight-year-old white girl, middle of the ghetto...bunch of monsters this time of night with quantum physics books? She 'bout to start some shit, Zed. She's about eight years old. Those books are '''way''' too advanced for her. If you ask me, I'd say she's up to somethin'. To be honest, I'd appreciate it if you eased up off my back about it. ''[Zed looks at him]'' Or do I owe her an apology? ''[Zed leaves the room]'' That's a good shot though. <hr width="50%" /> :''[K and James are walking down a corridor at MIB headquarters. K hands James a file.]'' :'''Agent K''': Back in the mid-1950s the government started a little, underfunded agency with the simple and laughable purpose of establishing contact with a race not of this planet. Everybody thought the agency was a joke, except the aliens who made contact March 2, 1961, outside New York. There were nine of us the first night: seven agents, one astronomer, and one dumb kid who got lost on the wrong back road. :'''James''': ''[noticing a picture of agents giving an alien flowers]'' Aww, you brought that tall man some flowers. :'''Agent K''': ''points]'' This way. They were a group of intergalactic refugees. Wanted to use the earth as an apolitical zone for creatures without a planet. Did you ever seen the movie ''[[Casablanca]]''? ''[James nods]'' Same thing, 'cept no Nazis. :'''James''': Oh. :'''Agent K''': We agreed, and we concealed all the evidence of their landing. :'''James''': ''[looking at the picture]'' Uh-huh, so these are real flying saucers, and the World's Fair was just a cover-up for their landing. :'''Agent K''': Why else would we hold it in Queens? More non-humans arrive every year and they live among us in secret. :'''James''': Uh, look, I'm sorry, not to change the subject or anything, but when was the last time you had a CAT scan? :'''Agent K''': 'Bout six months ago, it's company policy. :'''James''': Right, you should make another appointment. Um, look, tell your boy Zed I had an absolutely wonderful time, and thank you for everything, but... ''[handing the file back]'' ...why don't you show me the door? <hr width="50%" /> :'''Agent K''': All right, kid, here's the deal. At any given time there are around fifteen hundred aliens on the planet, most of them right here in Manhattan. And most of them are decent enough, they're just trying to make a living. :'''James''': Cab drivers. :'''Agent K''': No, not as many as you'd think. Humans, for the most part, don't have a clue. They don't want one or need one, either. They're happy. They think they have a good bead on things. :'''James''': Why the big secret? People are smart. They can handle it. :'''Agent K''': A ''person'' is smart. ''People'' are dumb, panicky, dangerous animals and you know it. Fifteen hundred years ago, everybody ''knew'' the Earth was the center of the universe. Five hundred years ago, everybody ''knew'' the Earth was flat. And fifteen minutes ago, you ''knew'' that people were alone on this planet. Imagine what you'll ''know'' tomorrow. :'''James''': What's the catch? :'''Agent K''': The catch? The catch is you will sever every human contact. Nobody will ever know you exist anywhere...Ever. I'll give you 'til sunrise to think it over. ''[walks away]'' :'''James''': Hey! Is it worth it? :'''Agent K''': Oh yeah, it's worth it. ''[pause]'' If you're strong enough. <hr width="50%" /> :'''James''': All right. I'm in, because there's some next-level shit goin’ on around here, and I'm with that. But before you get to beamin' me up, there's a couple of things I want you to understand. First off, you chose me, so you recognize the skills, and I don't want nobody callin' me "son" or "kid" or "sport" or nothin' like that. Cool? :'''Kay''': Cool, whatever you say, slick. But I need to tell you something about all your "skills". ''[they enter MIB headquarters]'' As of right now, they mean precisely...dick. <hr width="50%" /> :'''Agent K''': ''[neuralyzing Beatrice after she tells them her story]'' Alright, Beatrice, there was no alien. The flash of light you saw in the sky was not a UFO. Swamp gas from a weather balloon was trapped in a thermal pocket, and refracted light from Venus. :'''Agent J''': Wait, wait, wait a minute. So, you just flash that thing, it erases her memory, and you just come up with a new one? :'''Agent K''': A standard issue Neuralyzer. :'''Agent J''': And that weak-ass story's the best you can come up with? :'''Agent K''': Yeah. ''[to Beatrice]'' On a more personal note, Beatrice, Edgar ran off with an old girlfriend. You're gonna go stay with your mom a couple nights, you're gonna get over it, and decide you're better off. :'''Agent J''': Well, yeah, 'cause, 'cause, he never appreciated you anyway. In fact, you know what, ''you'' kicked ''him'' out! And now that he's gone, you're gonna go in town, go to Bloomingdale's, get yourself some nice dresses, get yourself some shoes, go somewhere maybe, get a facial, and, uh, oh, hire a decorator to come into this place quick, 'cause, ''damn''! :''[Beatrice is looking at J with a blank stare]'' <hr width="50%" /> :''[A police officer pushes a stretcher with Rosenberg's corpse and a cat on top]'' :'''Police Officer''': Where do you want contestant number three? :'''Dr. Laurel Weaver''': Just leave it there. <hr width="50%" /> :'''Dr. Laurel Weaver''': Look at this. :'''Agent J''': What the hell was that? :''[J touches Rosenberg’s ear and it unlocks the head showing a small control room containing alien Rosenberg]'' :'''Little Green Alien Gentle Rosenberg''': ''[struggling to speak]'' Must.....To Prevent.....Contest. :'''Agent J''': It's okay. What are you tryin' to say? :'''Little Green Alien Gentle Rosenberg''': Prevent. :'''Agent J''': Prevent. Struggle? :'''Little Green Alien Gentle Rosenberg''': [shaking his head] No...To Prevent. :'''Dr. Laurel Weaver''': War? :'''Little Green Alien Gentle Rosenberg''': [nodding his head up and down slowly] War. The galaxy...is on...Orion's....Be-be---What is word? :'''Agent J''': Bed? Belt? Orion's Belt? [Little Green Alien Gentle Rosenberg nods as the control room shuts down and he dies; Orion looks down from a ledge and meows] ''To prevent war the galaxy is on Orion's belt.'' What the hell does that mean? ''[to K]'' Dr., uh...Whatever, come here. :'''Dr. Laurel Weaver''': Dr. Whatever? Hey, you guys aren't really from the Department of Health, are you? :'''Agent K''': Rosenberg. Aw, damn. The Arquillians are not gonna like this. This guy was one of the royal family. :'''Dr. Laurel Weaver''': I knew it. This is an alien, and you guys are from some government agency trying to keep it under wraps. <hr width="50%" /> :'''Dr. Laurel Weaver''': ''[still disoriented from being neuralyzed]'' Hey, whoever you guys are, you're gonna have to show me some ID if you're gonna be in the morgue. :'''Agent K''': Oh, yes, of course, young lady. Have a look at this for me, please. ''[neuralyzes her again]'' :'''Agent J''': [before he can fully put his shades on to protect himself from the flash of the neuralyzer] Would you '''''stop that?!''''' :'''Agent K''': What?! :'''Agent J''': That thing is gonna give her brain cancer or somethin'! :'''Agent K''': Never hurt her before. Look, we've gotta get all the doors closed around here. Special Services'll be here any minute. :'''Agent J''': "Never hurt her before"? How many times have you flashy-thinged that poor woman?! :'''Agent K''': Couple. :'''Agent J''': So, what, are you not worried about no long-term damage? :'''Agent K''': A little. :'''Agent J''': K, have you ever flashy-thinged me? :'''Agent K''': No. :'''Agent J''': I ain't playin’ wit you, K, have you ever flashy-thinged me?! :'''Agent K''': No. <hr width="50%" /> :''[As K and J arrive at the morgue to get Orion]'' :'''Agent J''': Look, K, why don't you let me handle this one? :'''Agent K''': What? :'''Agent J''': Come on, man, all we gotta do is go in here and get a cat, it's not really that hard. But if you go in there, you're gonna lay your Jack Webb on her, start flashin' your brain ray all in her face, she's gonna wind up with leukemia and some shit. The woman's a doctor, she don't need you flashin' away half her med school classes. Five minutes. :'''Agent K''': Two minutes. :''[J goes in and K waits outside]'' <hr width="50%" /> :''[Facing off with the Bug in the morgue, as he holds Laurel at gunpoint]'' :'''Agent K''': Freeze it, Bug! :'''Agent J''': Don't shoot! Don't shoot! :'''Dr. Laurel Weaver''': Christ, you are thick! :'''Agent J''': Look, how was I supposed to know?! :'''Dr. Laurel Weaver''': What did I have to do, sing it for you?! :'''Agent J''': Well, if you weren't coming on like some drunken prom date...! :'''Dr. Laurel Weaver''': Oh, God, that is so typical! Any woman who shows yet the slightest hint of sexual independence...! :'''Edgar/Bug''': Oh, everybody shut up! :'''Agent K''': Let her go, shiteater. :'''Edgar/Bug''': Now listen, monkey-boy! Compared to you humans, I'm on the top rung of the evolutionary ladder! So can it, all right?! :'''Agent K''': You're breakin' my heart. Show me your face and I'll cure all your ills. :'''Edgar/Bug''': You ever pulled the wings off a fly? Do you care to see the fly get even?! :'''Agent K''': How far do you think you're gonna get without your ship, if that's what you call that piece of space trash we've got locked up in the office? :'''Edgar/Bug''': Put your weapons down! :'''Agent K''': Never gonna happen, insect. :'''Agent J''': It's okay, Laurel. :'''Dr. Laurel Weaver''': How...is...it...okay? :'''Agent J''': I'm sayin’ it's gon' '''''be''''' okay. :'''Edgar/Bug''': Don't bet on it, meatsack! ''[takes Laurel, who screams, and jumps out the window onto the street]'' <hr width="50%" /> :'''Agent J''': You ''do'' know Elvis is dead, right? :'''Agent K''': No, Elvis is ''not'' dead, he just went home. <hr width="50%" /> :'''Dr. Laurel Weaver''': You don't wanna eat me. I'm a very important person on my planet. Like a queen. A goddess, even! There are those who worship me! I'm not telling you this to try to impress you, I'm just letting you know, it could start a war! :'''Edgar/Bug''': Good, war! That means more food for my family, all seventy-eight million of them. That's a lot of mouths to feed, Your Highness. :'''Dr. Laurel Weaver''': You're a wonderful dad, but I'm staying here! :''[Edgar throws Laurel in a nearby tree and continues up the ladder into the ship]'' <hr width="50%" /> :'''Agent J''': ''[after stepping on a cockroach, causing the Bug to freeze as he is climbing to the remaining ship]'' Uh-oh. I'm sorry. Was that your auntie? ''[the Bug turns toward J with a furious snarl]'' Oh. Then that must mean that-that's your uncle, then, huh? ''[points at another cockroach at his feet before squashing it]'' Y'know y'all look alike. ''[enraged, the Bug descends to the ground and approaches him]'' Well, well. Big bad bug got a bit of a soft spot, huh? ''[squishes another cockroach; the Bug snarls in anger]'' See, what I can't understand is why you gotta come down bringin' all this ruckus! Snatchin' up galaxies and everything. ''[Laurel watches as the Bug moves closer to Agent J]'' My attitude is don't '''''start''''' nothin', won't '''''be''''' nothin’! ''[crushes two more cockroaches as the Bug walks right up to him, seething with anger]'' You need to ease up out my face before somethin' bad happen to you. ''[K loads his gun within the Bug's stomach; smiles]'' Too late. :''[K shoots, blowing the Bug in half and freeing himself. They are covered in bug guts. J picks up the galaxy]'' :'''Agent K''': ''[calling the headquarters]'' Zed, call the Arquillians, tell them we have the galaxy. :'''Zed''': ''[on the phone]'' You got it, friend. :''[K hangs up]'' :'''Agent J''': Goin' to get ya gun back, huh? :'''Agent K''': I like this gun. :'''Agent J''': Yeah, well, while you were in there playin' around, I was down here doin' all the work. First, I had to bean him in the head with the big rock. Then I was gonna hit him with a two by four. He kicked me. Y'know, it hurt. Then I got the fire. I was "yah!" with the fire. :''[Unknown to them, the half of the Bug creeps up to them]'' :'''Agent K''': Not bad for your second day of work is it? :'''Agent J''': This definitely rates a 9.0 on my Weird Shit-o-Meter. :'''Agent K''': Should've been here for the Zeronian migration in 1968. I guess you weren't even alive in '68. :''[The half of the Bug appears behind them and was about to eat them, but is blasted to pieces. They turn around to see Laurel, who's holding the big gun]'' :'''Laurel''': ''[grinning]'' Interesting job you guys have. <hr width="50%" /> :'''Agent J''': Look, I know we got rules, but she did just bust the Bug for us. And so maybe you don't have to flashy thing her. ''[Kay pulls out the neuralyzer]'' Who's she gonna tell, anyway? She only hangs out with dead people. :'''Agent K''': It's not for her. It's for me. ''[looking up at the sky]'' They're beautiful, aren't they? The stars. I never just look anymore and they're beautiful. :'''Agent J''': Kay, you're frightening your partner. :'''Agent K''': I haven't been training a partner–I've been training a replacement. :'''Agent J''': Oh no, I can't do this job by myself. :'''Dr. Laurel Weaver''': ''[walking towards them]'' Hey, guys, my apartment isn’t anywhere near here. It’s not even on the same island. :'''Agent K''': Maybe you won't have to. : [Kay starts dialing back the neuralyzer.] :'''Agent K''': Days. Months. Years. Always face it forward. : [He hands the neuralyzer to Jay. Taps his pocket. Indicates for him to put his glasses on. Jay resists.] :'''Agent K''': I've just been down the gullet of an interstellar cockroach. That's one of a hundred memories I don't want. ''[Jay takes the neuralyzer. Slips on his glasses]'' See you around, sport. :'''Agent J''': ''[raising the neuralyzer]'' No, you won't. :''[And with a brilliant flash, the screen turns white]'' <hr width="50%" /> :''[Last lines]'' :''[A copy of the New York Post with the headline "Detroit Has Car That Defies Gravity" is shown. A tabloid is then shown on top of it with the headline "N.Y. Mets Centerfielder Says: UFO Made Me Miss Home Run!". The National Enquirer is then shown on top of that with the headline "Medical Miracle! Man Awakens from 35-Year Coma! Returns to girl he left behind". A picture of K with his girlfriend is on the cover. We see a shot of J looking down. He puts his shades on and collects the papers with hot dog in his other hand. Laurel is seen to have joined MIB as J's new partner]'' :'''Agent L''': Hey, J! Zed called. The High Councilor from Solaxiant 9 wants floor seats for the Knicks-Bulls game. :'''Agent J''': All right, let's put in a call to Dennis Rodman. He's from that planet. ''[hands L her hot dog]'' :'''Agent L''': Rodman? You're kidding. :'''Agent J''': Nope. :'''Agent L''': Not much of a disguise. == About ''{{PAGENAME}}'' == [[File:Men in Black Alien Attack queue 05.jpg|thumb|[T]he Men in Black aren't merry entrepreneurs, like the [[Ghostbusters]]. They're cold-blooded bureaucrats whose job is to [[control]] and suppress [[information]]. ~ [[w:Mick LaSalle|Mick LaSalle]]]] [[File:The_Immigrants-Luis_Sanguino-Battery_Park_NYC.jpg|thumb|It seems to me like the sequels weren’t dealing with the [[humanity]] of the [first] movie. The other thing that I really loved in writing the first Men in Black was that it really was about how we humans think we’re so [[important]], but in fact we don’t [[know]] anything that’s really going on. And so that was a very [[human]] [[experience]], and to me, the story of Men in Black was about a [[w:Cocky|cocky]] human being who gets [[humbled]] and realizes that he ain’t even close to the center of the [[universe]]. In fact, the universe, the world, what’s important, is [[nothing]] that he ever [[thought]] about. [[Reality]] isn’t anything like he ever thought. It’s a humbling blow. It’s a very human [[experience]]. ~ [[w:Ed Solomon|Ed Solomon]]]] [[File:Solomon-R-Guggenheim-Museum-Levels.jpg|thumb|“Men in Black” is set in [[New York]] at the suggestion of its director, a native son, and that sets up inventive use of such landmarks as the [[w:Solomon R. Guggenheim Museum|Guggenheim Museum]], the old [[w:1964 New York World's Fair|World’s Fair]] grounds in [[w:Queens|Queens]] and the [[w:Battery Park|Battery Park]] vent room for the [[w:Holland Tunnel|Holland Tunnel]], plus the expected jokes about what percentage of cabbies are not of this Earth. <br> Hard to ignore because it’s partly unexpected is the film’s slime factor. “Men in Black” has periodic moments of gross-out humor that will not be to everyone’s taste, and when Edgar the invader finally reveals himself, he turns out to be more disturbing and off-putting than the film’s genial tone would have you expect. <br> But mostly what you get with “Men in Black” is the opportunity to spend some quality time with the Kings of Cool in a world where inconvenient memories get erased and supermarket tabloids offer the most reliable alien tips. It’s not the traditional world where only the bad guys wore [[black]], but you but you already knew that, didn’t you? ~ [[w:Kenneth Turan|Kenneth Turan]]]] * "Men in Black," the second Will-Smith-versus-the- aliens picture, is a high- tech comedy, more along the lines of a tight little action movie than a bona fide blockbuster. It was the smallest of the big summer films, the most slickly made -- and the most old-fashioned. <br> Directed by Barry Sonnenfeld, "Men in Black" has the gloss and the wit of Sonnenfeld's other comedies ("Get Shorty," "The Addams Family"). Sonnenfeld uses odd angles and wide lenses to view the action with a sardonic eye, as if the onscreen events were a joke between director and audience. But if "Men in Black" is a joke, who's the joke on? ** [[w:Mick LaSalle|Mick LaSalle]], [https://www.sfchronicle.com/movies/article/Men-in-Black-Alienating-Comedy-2793109.php “Men in Black' Alienating Comedy”], ''San Francisco Chronicle'', (Nov. 28, 1997) * [T]he Men in Black aren't merry [[w:Entrepreneur|entrepreneurs]], like the [[Ghostbusters]]. They're cold-blooded bureaucrats whose job is to control and suppress information. ** [[w:Mick LaSalle|Mick LaSalle]], [https://www.sfchronicle.com/movies/article/Men-in-Black-Alienating-Comedy-2793109.php “Men in Black' Alienating Comedy”], ''San Francisco Chronicle'', (Nov. 28, 1997) * Men in Black came out just as [[w:Digital effects|digital effects]] were starting to rise to prominence and here they look very, very dated in almost every single shot. They almost feel like you could pause the movie, stick your hand onto the screen, and pull them off like a sticker. It’s that bad. On the other hand, that’s also because the film uses those effects so ambitiously. Men in Black uses full, CG characters years before [[Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace]] or [[The Lord of the Rings (films)|The Lord of the Rings]] did (though they were created differently). So although the effects date the film poorly, it’s also a little bit charming, since everything else in the movie works so well. <br> Put all of that together and 1997's Men in Black today looks, in 2019, like the Missing Link of Hollywood blockbusters. A film that bridges the gap between the old and the new. It blends the legendary [[w:Amblin|Amblin]] tone of the ‘80s with the soon-to-be-prevalent digital effects of the 2000s, under the umbrella of a [[w:Comic book movie|comic book adaptation]] that would spawn a larger [[w:Film franchise|franchise]], which is the kind of thing [[w:Movie studio|movie studios]] dream of. ** Germain Lussier, [https://io9.gizmodo.com/the-original-men-in-black-marked-a-transition-of-the-ho-1835203690 “The Original Men in Black Marked a Transition of the Hollywood Blockbuster”], ''IO9'', (6/04/19). * What would be the first question to ask a space alien newly arrived on planet Earth? The dryly clever ''Men in Black'' has a novel answer: ''Carrying any [[fruits]] or [[vegetables]]?'' This, you see, is business as usual for the film's top-secret police and immigration authorities, dapper black-suited types who keep tabs on stray spacelings in the New York area. There are a lot of these visitors. They come in all shapes and sizes. Some tote cartons of Marlboros for the trip back home. ** Janet Maslin, [https://www.nytimes.com/1997/07/01/movies/oh-aliens-business-as-usual.html “Oh, Aliens: Business As Usual”], ''New York Times'', (July 1, 1997). * There's a jarring discrepancy between the film's plot, which tosses around the fate of galaxies yet still manages to be inconsequential, and its imposing scale. Certain sets, like the pawnshop lighted by Edward Hopper and the vast Eero Saarinen-inspired Men in Black headquarters, are studied and elegant to the point of distraction. Yet with its production design by [[w:Bo Welch|Bo Welch]] (''[[Edward Scissorhands]],'' ''[[A Little Princess]]''), one of the enormously talented contributors to the film's overall look, ''Men in Black'' even makes its morgue inviting. (Scenes there feature [[w:Linda Fiorentino|Linda Fiorentino]], who deftly underplays the city's deputy medical examiner and certainly belongs in the same movie with the supremely unruffled, tacitly hilarious Mr. Jones.) <br> The film's technical team reflects exceptional stylistic harmony. Mr. Sonnenfeld, cinematographer on the early [[w:Coen brothers|Coen brothers]] films, invokes the eccentric clarity of their work and that of [[Tim Burton]] (whose usual composer, [[w:Danny Elfman|Danny Elfman]], contributes some black magic to the score). Mr. Welch also designed Mr. Burton's ''[[Beetlejuice]],'' while [[w:Rick Baker|Rick Baker]]'s amazing makeup effects are on the same weird wavelength. Industrial Light and Magic deserves star billing in a film with approximately 250 special-effects shots. (''[[Jurassic Park]]'' had 60.) The tricks don't share much continuity, but they can rock Mr. Smith in the tentacle of a space squid or make the Men in Blackmobile fly through the Midtown Tunnel upside down. A wonderfully playful coda will send you home with a smile. ** Janet Maslin, [https://www.nytimes.com/1997/07/01/movies/oh-aliens-business-as-usual.html “Oh, Aliens: Business As Usual”], ''New York Times'', (July 1, 1997). * Our Flick of the Week is the often hilarious "Men in Black," a smart, funny and hip adventure film in a summer of car wrecks and explosions. ** [[w:Gene Siskel|Gene Siskel]], [https://www.chicagotribune.com/news/ct-xpm-1997-07-04-9707040101-story.html “`MEN IN' BLACK' A CLEVER ROMP”], ''Chicago Tribune'', (July 4 1997). * In addition to a top-flight cast (Rip Torn is the big boss of the MIB), the behind-the-scenes talent involved in "Men in Black" is first-rate. [[w:Bo Welch|Bo Welch]], a three-time Oscar-nominated production designer, has created an MIB headquarters and research facility that is a hilarious mix of man, alien and machine. [[w:Ric Baker|Ric Baker]] is the master of movie creatures. And director [[w:Barry Sonnenfield|Barry Sonnenfield]] ("[[The Addams Family (film)|The Addams Family]]"), a former cinematographer, makes every shot look great. But if I had to pick the one person most responsible for the success of "Men in Black" it would be writer Ed Solomon, who invests all of his major characters with brains. ** [[w:Gene Siskel|Gene Siskel]], [https://www.chicagotribune.com/news/ct-xpm-1997-07-04-9707040101-story.html “`MEN IN' BLACK' A CLEVER ROMP”], ''Chicago Tribune'', (July 4 1997). * “I always felt like the[[ secret]] to Men in Black was not the [[sunglasses]] and the big [[guns]] and the [[coolness]], and the other surface level coolness of it,” Solomon says. “I always thought the secret of Men in Black was the [[generosity]] of [[spirit]]… It was the [[attitude]] of the film and its relationship to the [[audience]], which was more of a ‘Hey, everyone check this out, come join us on this [[journey]]. Take a look into this [[world]] that other people don’t know [[exists]]. Let’s go in it [[together]].” ** [[w:Ed Solomon|Ed Solomon]] as quoted by David Crow, Tony Sokol; [https://www.denofgeek.com/movies/where-men-in-black-sequels-went-wrong/ “Where the Men in Black Sequels Went Wrong”], Den of Geek, (July 14, 2021) *“It seems to me like the sequels weren’t dealing with the [[humanity]] of the [first] movie,” Solomon says. “The other thing that I really loved in writing the first Men in Black was that it really was about how we humans think we’re so important, but in fact we don’t [[know]] anything that’s really going on. And so that was a very [[human]] [[experience]], and to me, the story of Men in Black was about a [[w:Cocky|cocky]] human being who gets [[humbled]] and realizes that he ain’t even close to the center of the [[universe]]. In fact, the universe, the world, what’s important, is [[nothing]] that he ever [[thought]] about. [[Reality]] isn’t anything like he ever thought. It’s a humbling blow. It’s a very human [[experience]].” <br> Solomon continues, “So I just don’t know. I didn’t get that experience watching the sequels. I think their priorities were slightly different and, I’m not an expert on why a movie works or doesn’t. Sometimes, I’ll think something’s going to be a giant hit and it isn’t, and vice versa. I can’t say for sure, all I can say is that during my own personal experience of writing [Men in Black] that was what was important, and I didn’t get those elements as much from the other movies. That was my own takeaway from being the [[writer]] of the first and an [[audience]] member of the others.” <br> Still, he’s quick to add that even if he didn’t think the sequels worked as a whole, there were still things to like. <br> “I enjoyed parts of all of them. They just weren’t the way I would have done it, but I didn’t have the opportunity because I wasn’t working on them.” That might be so, but if and when someone else takes a crack at MIB, perhaps these are insights worth sitting on a [[w:Park bench|park bench]] and appreciating here. ** [[w:Ed Solomon|Ed Solomon]] as quoted by David Crow, Tony Sokol; [https://www.denofgeek.com/movies/where-men-in-black-sequels-went-wrong/ “Where the Men in Black Sequels Went Wrong”], Den of Geek, (July 14, 2021) * “Men in Black” is set in [[New York]] at the suggestion of its director, a native son, and that sets up inventive use of such landmarks as the [[w:Solomon R. Guggenheim Museum|Guggenheim Museum]], the old [[w:1964 New York World's Fair|World’s Fair]] grounds in [[w:Queens|Queens]] and the [[w:Battery Park|Battery Park]] vent room for the [[w:Holland Tunnel|Holland Tunnel]], plus the expected jokes about what percentage of cabbies are not of this Earth. <br> Hard to ignore because it’s partly unexpected is the film’s slime factor. “Men in Black” has periodic moments of gross-out humor that will not be to everyone’s taste, and when Edgar the invader finally reveals himself, he turns out to be more disturbing and off-putting than the film’s genial tone would have you expect. <br> But mostly what you get with “Men in Black” is the opportunity to spend some quality time with the Kings of Cool in a world where inconvenient memories get erased and supermarket tabloids offer the most reliable alien tips. It’s not the traditional world where only the bad guys wore [[black]], but you but you already knew that, didn’t you? ** [[w:Kenneth Turan|Kenneth Turan]], [https://www.latimes.com/archives/la-xpm-1997-jul-01-ca-8496-story.html “The Outer Limits of Fun : ‘Men in Black’ takes the alien theme, twists it in hip directions and adds some cool sight gags”], ''Los Angeles Times'', (July 1, 1997). == Cast == * [[Tommy Lee Jones]] as Kevin Brown / Agent K * [[Will Smith]] as James Darrell Edwards III / Agent J * [[w:Vincent D'Onofrio|Vincent D'Onofrio]] as Edgar the Bug * [[w:Linda Fiorentino|Linda Fiorentino]] as Dr. Laurel Weaver / Agent L * [[w:Rip Torn|Rip Torn]] as Chief Zed * [[w:Tony Shalhoub|Tony Shalhoub]] as Jack Jeebs * [[w:Siobhan Fallon Hogan|Siobhan Fallon Hogan]] as Beatrice * [[w:Mike Nussbaum|Mike Nussbaum]] as Gentle Rosenberg * [[w:Jon Gries|Jon Gries]] as Van Driver * [[w:Sergio Calderón|Sergio Calderón]] as Jose * [[w:Carel Struycken|Carel Struycken]] as Arquillian * [[w:Fredric Lehne|Fredric Lehne]] as INS Agent Janus * [[w:Kent Faulcon|Kent Faulcon]] as 2nd Lt. Jake Jensen * [[w:Richard Hamilton|Richard Hamilton]] as Agent D * [[David Cross]] as Newton the Morgue Attendant * [[w:Tim Blaney|Tim Blaney]] as Frank the Pug (voice) * [[w:Scottie Ray|Scottie Ray]] as Mikey and additional alien voices == See also == * ''[[Men in Black: The Series]]'' (1997-2001) * ''[[Men in Black II]]'' (2002) * ''[[Men in Black 3]]'' (2012) == External links == {{wikipedia|Men in Black (film)}} * {{imdb title| id=0119654| title=Men in Black}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Men in Black 1}} [[Category:Men in Black (franchise)]] [[Category:1997 films]] [[Category:Barry Sonnenfeld films]] [[Category:American films]] [[Category:Apocalyptic films]] [[Category:Comedy science fiction films]] [[Category:Films set in New York City]] [[Category:Action comedy films]] rue36xvrn83ph00m0lf54b60h8ad5k0 0 8239 3152939 3020505 2022-08-09T15:37:43Z Philip Cross 7192 /* Quotes about Ellington */ correct rendering wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Duke Ellington Aventure du Jazz.jpg|thumb|Duke Ellington, shown in 1971]] '''[[w:Duke Ellington|Edward Kennedy Ellington]]''' ([[April 29]], [[1899]] – [[May 24]], [[1974]]) was an [[United States|African American]] [[jazz]] [[composer]], [[pianist]], and [[w:band leader|band leader]] who has been one of the [[w:Jazz royalty|most influential figures]] in [[jazz]], if not in all American music. __TOC__ == Quotes == * It Don't Mean a Thing (If It Ain't Got That Swing). ** Song title (1932). * Playing "Bop" is like playing Scrabble with all the vowels missing. ** ''Look'' (10 August 1954). * The piano players were very important in the early days, and the great piano players were always on the East Coast; there never was anybody in the West who could play two notes. (By West I mean {{w|New Orleans}}; in those days there was no other West to speak of, west of that.) {{w|Jelly Roll Morton}}, who was mainly a writer and had more music published than anyone else, played piano like one of those high school teachers in [[Washington, D. C.|Washington]]; as a matter of fact, high school teachers played better jazz. Among other things, his rhythm was unsteady; but that's the kind of piano the West was geared up to. On the other hand, the piano players on the East Coast did the most impossible things. If you dig up the early piano rolls or records by {{w|James P. Johnson}}, you will hear the most beautiful and perfect performances. {{w|Willie "The Lion" Smith}} was a giant of those days, too. It is one of my great regrets that when the Lion used to come up to my house I didn't have a recording machine so that I could preserve some of those early performances of his. ** From "Appreciations: The Encyclopedia of Jazz," transcription of a recording made by Ellington at Leonard Feather's request, in ''The Encyclopedia of Jazz'' (1960) by Feather, p. 14 * It's like an act of murder; you play with intent to commit something. ** On jazz ''New York Herald Tribune'' (9 July 1961). * '''Every man prays in his own language.''' ** Section title and eponymous song of ''A Concert of Sacred Music'' (1965). * How can anyone expect to be understood unless he presents his thoughts with complete honesty? This situation is unfair because it asks too much of the world. In effect, we say, "I don't dare show you what I am because I don't trust you for a minute but please love me anyway because I so need you to. And, of course, if you don't love me anyway, you're a dirty dog, just as I suspected, so I was right in the first place." Yet, every time God's children have thrown away fear in pursuit of honesty-trying to communicate themselves, understood or not, miracles have happened. ** Program notes for ''[http://earshot.org/Events/sacred.html A Concert of Sacred Music]'' (1965). * Fate is being kind to me. Fate doesn’t want me to be too famous too young. ** At age 66, on being passed over for an award (Pulitzer Prize for music) in 1965, as quoted in ''The Christian Science Monitor'' (24 December 1986). * Roaming through the jungle of "oohs" and "ahs," searching for a more agreeable noise, I live a life of primitivity with the mind of a child and an unquenchable thirst for sharps and flats. ** ''Music Is My Mistress'' (1973). * If it sounds good, it IS good. ** J.D. ''Moore's Ten Commandments for The Studio'' * By and large, jazz has always been like the kind of a man you wouldn't want your daughter to associate with. ** Nat Hentoff, ''At the Jazz Band Ball: Sixty Years on the Jazz Scene'' (2011). * There are simply two kinds of music, good music and the other kind ... the only yardstick by which the result should be judged is simply that of how it sounds. If it sounds good it's successful; if it doesn't it has failed. ** ''Where Is Jazz Going?'' Music Journal (1962) Reproduced in ''The Duke Ellington Reader'', {{ISBN|978-0-19-509391-9}}. ==Quotes about Ellington== * ... Of course anything that Duke does I like. He just seems to have a sixth sense about things turning out so good ... But I especially like the marriage between strings and what he did with the band. He didn't confine the strings to just whole notes and half notes, which most guys do, but he gave them little pizzicato things and little staccato things in there, which works out beautifully .... ** {{w|Louis Bellson}}, circa 1964, reviewing [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PYRhvUaArTo "Nonviolent Integration"] from ''{{w|The Symphonic Ellington}}'' for {{w|DownBeat}}'s "Blindfold Test"; excerpted in ''The Encyclopedia of Jazz in the Sixties'' (1960) by Leonard Feather, p. 26. * Well, that's about the quintessence of slick, professional, expert, boring arrangement. I couldn't say offhand who it was. As I say, I haven't heard jazz for a year. I found it dull—the last word in polish and professionality ''[sic]''—but dull. ** [[Leonard Bernstein]], circa 1953, reviewing Ellington's recording of "Satin Doll" for ''{{w|DownBeat}}''{{'}}s "Blindfold Test"; as quoted in ''The Encyclopedia of Jazz'' (1960) by Leonard Feather, p. 474 * That's wild! I'll start off with five stars and work backwards from there. Now there, to me, is the most perfect band in existence, whether you're thinking of it orchestrationally or in terms of Duke's immensely creative writing. I can't think of anybody I admire more than this man; nobody could even be compared with him, except [[w:Billy Strayhorn|Billy Strayhorn]]. Duke does something with this old, tired instrumentation of trumpets, trombones and saxophones, and he has a perfect way of utilizing the men's specific sounds. Anything he plays is a work of art. The band is out of tune, for instance, and it doesn't even matter. They almost have their own brand of intonation. Duke can take an exotic-sounding idea and create something – you might call it sophisticated crudity. It gives both the qualities that I look for – an earthy quality and the sophisticated quality. ** [[Clare Fischer]], reviewing "[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P6MDDbrAqqg Agra]" from ''[[w:Far East Suite|Far East Suite]]'', in [http://www.mediafire.com/view/fix6ane8h54gx/Clare_Fischer#2nmgk677qzm4cnu "Clare Fischer: Blindfold Test"] by Leonard Feather, in ''DownBeat'' (October 19, 1967), p. 38 * '''As Duke Ellington once said, "the Battle of Waterloo was won on the playing fields of Elkton."''' [...] '''About that [[Arthur_Wellesley,_1st_Duke_of_Wellington|Wellington]] guy, I wouldn't know. Duke Ellington, yes.''' As for that [[w:Eton College|Eton]] business — well, I married my first wife in [[w:Elkton, Maryland|Elkton]], and I always hated the place. It musta stuck. ** [[Babe Ruth]], attempting unsuccessfully—during a partially scripted radio interview, broadcast live on August 13, 1930—to deliver a [[Arthur_Wellesley,_1st_Duke_of_Wellington#Misattributed|familiar but evidently apocryphal quote]], followed by his explanation for that failure; as quoted in ''The Tumult and the Shouting; My Life in Sport'' (1954) by Grantland Rice; reprinted in "The World I Loved — Part 1: My Baseball Hall of Fame" by Rice, in ''The New York Herald Tribune'' (October 3, 1954), pp. 8-9 ==External links== {{wikipedia}} * [http://www.dukeellington.com/ Official site] {{DEFAULTSORT:Ellington, Duke}} [[Category:Musicians from the United States]] [[Category:Composers from the United States]] [[Category:American conductors]] [[Category:Pianists from the United States]] [[Category:Autobiographers from the United States]] [[Category:1899 births]] [[Category:1974 deaths]] [[Category:African Americans]] [[Category:People from Washington, D.C.]] [[Category:Presidential Medal of Freedom recipients]] rw2u83odcytzc9vamzmzdhxx6e6u2q2 3152940 3152939 2022-08-09T15:42:56Z Philip Cross 7192 substituted less vague introductory passage wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Duke Ellington Aventure du Jazz.jpg|thumb|Duke Ellington, shown in 1971]] '''[[w:Duke Ellington|Edward Kennedy Ellington]]''' ([[April 29]], [[1899]] – [[May 24]], [[1974]]) was an [[United States|African American]] [[jazz]] [[composer]], [[pianist]], and [[w:band leader|band leader]]. Although a pivotal figure in the history of jazz, in the opinion of [[w:Gunther Schuller|Gunther Schuller]] and [[w:Barry Kernfeld|Barry Kernfeld]], "the most significant composer of the genre", Ellington himself embraced the phrase "beyond category", considering it a liberating principle, and referring to his music as part of the more general category of American Music. __TOC__ == Quotes == * It Don't Mean a Thing (If It Ain't Got That Swing). ** Song title (1932). * Playing "Bop" is like playing Scrabble with all the vowels missing. ** ''Look'' (10 August 1954). * The piano players were very important in the early days, and the great piano players were always on the East Coast; there never was anybody in the West who could play two notes. (By West I mean {{w|New Orleans}}; in those days there was no other West to speak of, west of that.) {{w|Jelly Roll Morton}}, who was mainly a writer and had more music published than anyone else, played piano like one of those high school teachers in [[Washington, D. C.|Washington]]; as a matter of fact, high school teachers played better jazz. Among other things, his rhythm was unsteady; but that's the kind of piano the West was geared up to. On the other hand, the piano players on the East Coast did the most impossible things. If you dig up the early piano rolls or records by {{w|James P. Johnson}}, you will hear the most beautiful and perfect performances. {{w|Willie "The Lion" Smith}} was a giant of those days, too. It is one of my great regrets that when the Lion used to come up to my house I didn't have a recording machine so that I could preserve some of those early performances of his. ** From "Appreciations: The Encyclopedia of Jazz," transcription of a recording made by Ellington at Leonard Feather's request, in ''The Encyclopedia of Jazz'' (1960) by Feather, p. 14 * It's like an act of murder; you play with intent to commit something. ** On jazz ''New York Herald Tribune'' (9 July 1961). * '''Every man prays in his own language.''' ** Section title and eponymous song of ''A Concert of Sacred Music'' (1965). * How can anyone expect to be understood unless he presents his thoughts with complete honesty? This situation is unfair because it asks too much of the world. In effect, we say, "I don't dare show you what I am because I don't trust you for a minute but please love me anyway because I so need you to. And, of course, if you don't love me anyway, you're a dirty dog, just as I suspected, so I was right in the first place." Yet, every time God's children have thrown away fear in pursuit of honesty-trying to communicate themselves, understood or not, miracles have happened. ** Program notes for ''[http://earshot.org/Events/sacred.html A Concert of Sacred Music]'' (1965). * Fate is being kind to me. Fate doesn’t want me to be too famous too young. ** At age 66, on being passed over for an award (Pulitzer Prize for music) in 1965, as quoted in ''The Christian Science Monitor'' (24 December 1986). * Roaming through the jungle of "oohs" and "ahs," searching for a more agreeable noise, I live a life of primitivity with the mind of a child and an unquenchable thirst for sharps and flats. ** ''Music Is My Mistress'' (1973). * If it sounds good, it IS good. ** J.D. ''Moore's Ten Commandments for The Studio'' * By and large, jazz has always been like the kind of a man you wouldn't want your daughter to associate with. ** Nat Hentoff, ''At the Jazz Band Ball: Sixty Years on the Jazz Scene'' (2011). * There are simply two kinds of music, good music and the other kind ... the only yardstick by which the result should be judged is simply that of how it sounds. If it sounds good it's successful; if it doesn't it has failed. ** ''Where Is Jazz Going?'' Music Journal (1962) Reproduced in ''The Duke Ellington Reader'', {{ISBN|978-0-19-509391-9}}. ==Quotes about Ellington== * ... Of course anything that Duke does I like. He just seems to have a sixth sense about things turning out so good ... But I especially like the marriage between strings and what he did with the band. He didn't confine the strings to just whole notes and half notes, which most guys do, but he gave them little pizzicato things and little staccato things in there, which works out beautifully .... ** {{w|Louis Bellson}}, circa 1964, reviewing [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PYRhvUaArTo "Nonviolent Integration"] from ''{{w|The Symphonic Ellington}}'' for {{w|DownBeat}}'s "Blindfold Test"; excerpted in ''The Encyclopedia of Jazz in the Sixties'' (1960) by Leonard Feather, p. 26. * Well, that's about the quintessence of slick, professional, expert, boring arrangement. I couldn't say offhand who it was. As I say, I haven't heard jazz for a year. I found it dull—the last word in polish and professionality ''[sic]''—but dull. ** [[Leonard Bernstein]], circa 1953, reviewing Ellington's recording of "Satin Doll" for ''{{w|DownBeat}}''{{'}}s "Blindfold Test"; as quoted in ''The Encyclopedia of Jazz'' (1960) by Leonard Feather, p. 474 * That's wild! I'll start off with five stars and work backwards from there. Now there, to me, is the most perfect band in existence, whether you're thinking of it orchestrationally or in terms of Duke's immensely creative writing. I can't think of anybody I admire more than this man; nobody could even be compared with him, except [[w:Billy Strayhorn|Billy Strayhorn]]. Duke does something with this old, tired instrumentation of trumpets, trombones and saxophones, and he has a perfect way of utilizing the men's specific sounds. Anything he plays is a work of art. The band is out of tune, for instance, and it doesn't even matter. They almost have their own brand of intonation. Duke can take an exotic-sounding idea and create something – you might call it sophisticated crudity. It gives both the qualities that I look for – an earthy quality and the sophisticated quality. ** [[Clare Fischer]], reviewing "[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P6MDDbrAqqg Agra]" from ''[[w:Far East Suite|Far East Suite]]'', in [http://www.mediafire.com/view/fix6ane8h54gx/Clare_Fischer#2nmgk677qzm4cnu "Clare Fischer: Blindfold Test"] by Leonard Feather, in ''DownBeat'' (October 19, 1967), p. 38 * '''As Duke Ellington once said, "the Battle of Waterloo was won on the playing fields of Elkton."''' [...] '''About that [[Arthur_Wellesley,_1st_Duke_of_Wellington|Wellington]] guy, I wouldn't know. Duke Ellington, yes.''' As for that [[w:Eton College|Eton]] business — well, I married my first wife in [[w:Elkton, Maryland|Elkton]], and I always hated the place. It musta stuck. ** [[Babe Ruth]], attempting unsuccessfully—during a partially scripted radio interview, broadcast live on August 13, 1930—to deliver a [[Arthur_Wellesley,_1st_Duke_of_Wellington#Misattributed|familiar but evidently apocryphal quote]], followed by his explanation for that failure; as quoted in ''The Tumult and the Shouting; My Life in Sport'' (1954) by Grantland Rice; reprinted in "The World I Loved — Part 1: My Baseball Hall of Fame" by Rice, in ''The New York Herald Tribune'' (October 3, 1954), pp. 8-9 ==External links== {{wikipedia}} * [http://www.dukeellington.com/ Official site] {{DEFAULTSORT:Ellington, Duke}} [[Category:Musicians from the United States]] [[Category:Composers from the United States]] [[Category:American conductors]] [[Category:Pianists from the United States]] [[Category:Autobiographers from the United States]] [[Category:1899 births]] [[Category:1974 deaths]] [[Category:African Americans]] [[Category:People from Washington, D.C.]] [[Category:Presidential Medal of Freedom recipients]] r51092xsyz0x1qlgx936ez0aqp2szfh 0 11135 3152973 2965966 2022-08-09T18:25:33Z Philip Cross 7192 ce wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Ken Livingstone - World Economic Forum Annual Meeting Davos 2008.jpg|thumb|right|This is a city that you can be yourself as long as you don’t harm anyone else. You can live your life as you chose to do rather than as somebody else tells you to do. It is a city in which you can achieve your potential.]] '''[[w:Ken Livingstone|Kenneth Robert Livingstone]]''' (born [[17 June]] [[1945]]) is a British politician, who was the last leader of the [[w:Greater London Council|Greater London Council (GLC)]] from 1981 to its abolition in 1986, a Labour Member of Parliament for Brent East (1987–2000), and the first elected Mayor of [[London]] (2000–2008). He was defeated by [[Boris Johnson]] in 2008 and failed to regain the post in 2012. == Quotes == [[File:Ken Livingstone 2007.jpg|thumb|right|This city typifies what I believe is the future of the human race and a future where we grow together and we share and we learn from each other.]] [[File:20151030 Syrians and Iraq refugees arrive at Skala Sykamias Lesvos Greece 2.jpg|thumb|They come to be free, they come to live the life they choose, they come to be able to be themselves. They flee you because you tell them how they should live. They don't want that and nothing you do, however many of us you kill, will stop that flight to our city where freedom is strong and where people can live in harmony with one another. Whatever you do, however many you kill, you will fail.]] === 1970s === * You cannot just have a socialist revolution in Norwood and nowhere else. ** Statement to the ''South London Press'' in 1977 on moving constituencies away from Norwood in the 1977 GLC election. Quoted in ''Citizen Ken'' (1984) by John Carvel, p. 61. <!-- Chatto & Windus --> * There is now a desperate need for a London-wide left caucus of those interested in the GLC and local councils so that we can compare and discuss what is happening in each borough. ** As quoted in ''Socialist Organiser'', the newspaper of the Socialist Campaign for a Labour Victory (March 1979). *I feel a degree of regret that Marshall did not push on and say 'Abolish the GLC', because I think it would be a major saving and would have released massive resources for more productive use. ** In a [[w:Greater London Council|GLC]] debate on the Marshall Report into GLC powers, 1979, quoted in "Beyond Our Ken" (1985) by Andrew Forrester, Stewart Lansley and Robin Pauley, p. 43 <!-- Fourth Estate --> === 1981 === * The H-block protest is part of the struggle to bring about a free, united Ireland. They have my support, and they have the support of the majority of the Labour Party rank and file. I have been consistently in favour of withdrawal from Ireland and to get away from the idea that it is some sort of campaign against terrorism. It is in fact the last colonial war. ** ''Evening Standard'' (21 July 1981). * I can't think of a more appalling contrast between this wedding beanfeast and what is happening in Ireland. ** Referring to the wedding of the Prince of Wales and Lady Diana Spencer, in ''Daily Mail'' (29 July 1981). * Everyone is bisexual. Almost everyone has the sexual potential for anything. ** Speech to Harrow Gay Unity Group (18 August 1981). * Nobody supports what happened last Saturday in London. But what about stopping it happening? As long as we are in Ireland, people will be letting off bombs in London. I can see that we are a colonial power holding down a colony. For the rest of the time violence will recur again and again as long as we are in Ireland. People in Northern Ireland see themselves as subject peoples. If they were just criminals or psychopaths they could be crushed. But they have a motive force which they think is good. ** Referring to the IRA's Chelsea Barracks bomb of 10 October 1981, in a speech to the Cambridge University Tory Reform Group (12 October 1981), quoted in ''The Times'' (13 October 1981). === 1984 === * He asked to see me again. I think he wants me for my body. ** Remarks to the press after meeting Secretary of State for Transport [[w:Norman Fowler|Norman Fowler]] (18 June 1981), quoted in ''Citizen Ken'' (1984) by John Carvel, p. 107. === 1985 === * The next election will bring an influx of over 120 new MPs who will be overwhelmingly on the Left. ** ''The Guardian'' (23 September 1985). * There are other people whose fear is if you bring down South Africa there will be a communist regime takeover - and that's a risk I'm prepared to see. I would much rather see South Africa under a communist regime than under the present one if that's the choice I'm faced with. ** ''The Times'' (11 December 1985, as quoted by [[Bernard Levin]]). === 1986 === * I take a much more pragmatic view than many people on the Left about working with Neil Kinnock. Kinnock represents the best vehicle possible for achieving socialism now. ** ''Ham and High'' (21 February, 1986). * Nothing could have been greater than the pride of serving this city. I do not believe — I am sure I speak for my colleagues on all sides — nothing else that happens to us in our lives will be as rewarding and fulfilling as the years that we have spent in this building. ** Speech at the last meeting of the Greater London Council (27 March 1986); quoted in "GLC : The Inside Story" (1999) by Wes Whitehouse, p. 174 * What a squalid and irresponsible little profession it is. Nothing prepares you for how bad Fleet Street really is until it craps on you from a great height. ** ''City Limits'' (1 May 1986), quoted in ''[https://books.google.co.uk/books?id=VK0vR4fsaigC&pg=PT1062&lpg=PT1062&dq=ken+livingstone+%22squalid+and+irresponsible%22&source=bl&ots=F0cC08cyjK&sig=DZt7eobEcCQDQlN7fFdbQZ2suhQ&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwjkiaiz6pHZAhXvp1kKHQvUAnwQ6AEISzAI#v=onepage&q=ken%20livingstone%20%22squalid%20and%20irresponsible%22&f=false ''The New Penguin Dictionary of Modern Quotations''] by Robert Andrews * The British judiciary is one of the most corrupt in the world because of politically active judges. ** ''The Daily Telegraph'' (17 May, 1986). === 1987 === * ''If Voting Changed Anything They'd Abolish It'' ** Title of his autobiography (1987) *** A variant of a slightly earlier quote: "If voting could change anything, it would be illegal" ([https://books.google.com/books?id=RPgcAQAAMAAJ&q=%22if+voting+could+change+anything%22&dq=%22if+voting+could+change+anything%22&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwjg4IDksJHMAhVPxWMKHc7sBikQ6AEIJTAC 1978]) * I'm not in favour of the army, I'm in favour of replacing it with armed workers' brigades to defend the factories. ** Quoted in Conservative Party Election Broadcast, [http://www.politicsresources.net/area/uk/pebs/con87.htm 19 May 1987] === 2000 === * I urge everybody to stay inside the Labour Party and fight to ensure that nothing like this ever happens again. There must now be a serious question over whether Frank can hope to beat Steven Norris on May 4 when Londoners will widely perceive the Labour nomination to have been stolen. The lesson of Wales is that our voters will not be taken for granted. A Labour campaign that was dead in the water from day one will limp on to polling day and never allow us to get on to the real issues that matter to Londoners, such as transport, unemployment and crime. In the interests of uniting the Labour party, I hope Frank Dobson will consider his position over the next few days. He must decide whether he is willing to accept this tainted result or stand down in the interests of Labour and London. Over the last six months Londoners have had to listen to politicians. Now it is time for politicians to listen to Londoners, and I shall be saying nothing further until I have had a chance to listen to Londoners. ** Statement following the London Labour Party ballot for a Mayoral candidate, in which Livingstone was defeated by [[w:Frank Dobson|Frank Dobson]] due to the electoral system chosen by the party, as quoted in "Winner is challenged to refuse `tainted' victory" in ''The Guardian'' (21 February 2000), p. 2. * The IMF and World Bank are still appalling, and now the World Trade Organisation too. All over the world people die unnecessarily because of the international financial system. Every year the international financial system kills more people than World War II. But at least Hitler was mad. ** [https://web.archive.org/web/20000529082432/http://www.nme.com/newsdesk/20000411113543.html ''NME''] 15 April 2000. * As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted 14 years ago... ** Victory speech on being elected first Mayor of London, 14 years after the abolition of the Greater London Council, of which he was leader. [http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/politics/ken-reclaims-the-capital-279169.html ''The Independent''] Friday 5 May 2000. === 2001 === * Only some ghastly dehumanised moron would want to get rid of the [[w:Routemaster|Routemaster]]. ** Said in 2001. Four years later the Routemaster bus was withdrawn from ordinary passenger service by Transport for London, a decision supported by Livingstone. Quoted in [http://www.telegraph.co.uk/opinion/main.jhtml?xml=/opinion/2005/10/24/do2401.xml&sSheet=/portal/2005/10/24/ixportal.html "Livingstone and the 'morons' have killed off the Routemaster" by Philip Johnston in ''Daily Telegraph''] (24 October 2005). === 2003 === * George Bush is just about everything that is repellent in politics... You have got this super-patriotic hawk who was a coward when his country was actually involved in a war and has the most venal and corrupt administration since President Harding in the 20s. He is not a legitimate president... This really is a completely unsupportable government and I look forward to it being overthrown as much as I looked forward to Saddam Hussein being overthrown. ** Remarks at a public meeting criticising [[George W. Bush]] (8 May 2003) , as quoted in "Mayor's Amazing Attack on Bush" by Ross Lydall in the ''Evening Standard'' (8 May 2003). * Some US journalist came up to me and said: 'How can you say this about President Bush?' Well, I think what I said then was quite mild. I actually think that Bush is the greatest threat to life on this planet that we've most probably ever seen. The policies he is initiating will doom us to extinction. ** As quoted in "Livingstone says Bush is 'greatest threat to life on planet'" by Nigel Morris, in ''The Independent'' (18 November 2003), p. 5. * The American agenda is sweeping everything before it, and although it's not perfect, the EU is better on environmental issues. It's a less rapacious form of capitalism. ** As quoted in "Livingstone says Bush is `greatest threat to life on planet'" by Nigel Morris, in ''The Independent'' (18 November 2003), p. 5. === 2004 === * I just long for the day I wake up and find that the Saudi royal family are swinging from lampposts and that they've got a proper government that represents the people of Saudi Arabia. ** As quoted in "New Labour, new Ken? Think again as Mayor speaks" by Joe Murphy in ''Evening Standard'' (8 April 2004), p. 19. ** Interview with ''The Guardian'' (7 April 2004). * When you see someone trying to manoeuvre it round the school gates you have to think, you are a complete idiot. ** Criticising Londoners who drive 4x4s in an interview with GMTV (broadcast 23 May 2004), as quoted in "Drivers of 4X4s in London are idiots, says Livingstone" by Ross Lydall in ''Evening Standard'' (21 May 2004). === 2005 === *'''Oliver Finegold''': Mr Livingstone, ''Evening Standard''. How did it ...<br>'''Ken Livingstone''': Oh, how awful for you.<br>'''Finegold''': How did tonight go?<br>'''Livingstone''': Have you thought of having treatment?<br>'''Finegold''': How did tonight go?<br>'''Livingstone''': Have you thought of having treatment?<br>'''Finegold''': Was it a good party? What does it mean for you?<br>'''Livingstone''': What did you do before? Were you a German war criminal?<br>'''Finegold''': No, I'm Jewish. I wasn't a German war criminal.<br>'''Livingstone''': Ah … right.<br>'''Finegold''': I'm actually quite offended by that. So, how did tonight go?<br>'''Livingstone''': Well you might be, but actually you are just like a concentration camp guard. You're just doing it 'cause you're paid to, aren't you?<br>'''Finegold''': Great. I've you on record for that. So how did tonight go?<br>'''Livingstone''': It's nothing to do with you because your paper is a load of scumbags.<br>'''Finegold''': "How did tonight go?"<br>'''Livingstone''': It's reactionary bigots ...<br>'''Finegold''': I'm a journalist. I'm doing my job.<br>'''Livingstone''': … and who supported fascism.<br>'''Finegold''': I'm only asking for a simple comment. I'm only asking for a comment.<br>'''Livingstone''': Well, work for a paper that isn't ...<br>'''Finegold''': I'm only asking for a comment.<br>'''Livingstone''': … that had a record of supporting fascism.<br>'''Finegold''': You've accused me ... **Exchange with ''Evening Standard'' reporter Oliver Finegold (8 February 2005). These remarks led to an official investigation into Livingstone's conduct. [http://politics.guardian.co.uk/gla/story/0,,1717652,00.html Transcript from ''Guardian Unlimited''] * When reporters say to me I'm only doing this because it's my job... that's the same abdication of moral responsibility at the thin end of the wedge that in its most extreme and horrific version ends up with others being prepared to stand as a concentration camp guard. ** "Livingstone isolated after refusal to back down in Nazi jibe row" by Hugh Muir in ''The Guardian'' (16 February 2005), p. 2. * Racism is a uniquely reactionary ideology, used to justify the greatest crimes in history — the slave trade, the extermination of all original inhabitants of the Caribbean, the elimination of every native inhabitant of Tasmania, apartheid. The Holocaust was the ultimate, "industrialised" expression of racist barbarity.<br> Racism serves as the cutting edge of the most reactionary movements. An ideology that starts by declaring one human being inferior to another is the slope whose end is at Auschwitz. That is why I detest racism. ** [http://politics.guardian.co.uk/gla/comment/0,9236,1430185,00.html Commentary] in ''The Guardian'' (4 March 2005). * To avoid manufactured misunderstandings, the policies of Israeli governments are not analogous to Nazism. They do not aim at the systematic extermination of the Palestinian people, in the way Nazism sought the annihilation of the Jews. ** Commentary in ''The Guardian'' (4 March 2005). * Today the Israeli government continues seizures of Palestinian land for settlements, military incursions into surrounding countries and denial of the right of Palestinians expelled by terror to return. Ariel Sharon, Israel's prime minister, is a war criminal who should be in prison, not in office. Israel's own Kahan commission found that Sharon shared responsibility for the Sabra and Shatila massacres. ** Commentary in ''The Guardian'' (4 March 2005). * All racist and anti-semitic attacks must be stamped out. However, the reality is that the great bulk of racist attacks in Europe today are on black people, Asians and Muslims — and they are the primary targets of the extreme right. For 20 years Israeli governments have attempted to portray anyone who forcefully criticises the policies of Israel as anti-semitic. The truth is the opposite: the same universal human values that recognise the Holocaust as the greatest racist crime of the 20th century require condemnation of the policies of successive Israeli governments — not on the absurd grounds that they are Nazi or equivalent to the Holocaust, but because ethnic cleansing, discrimination and terror are immoral. <br>They are also fuelling anger and violence across the world. For a mayor of London not to speak out against such injustice would not only be wrong — but would also ignore the threat it poses to the security of all Londoners. ** Commentary in ''The Guardian'' (4 March 2005). * You can't expect to work for the Daily Mail group and have the rest of society treat with you respect as a useful member of society, because you are not. ** Remarks concerning Oliver Finegold, ''Evening Standard'' journalist. in [http://politics.guardian.co.uk/gla/story/0,,1666536,00.html ''Guardian Unlimited''] (13 December 2005) ==== Response to London bombings (7 July 2005) ==== * I want to say one thing specifically to the world today. This was not a terrorist attack against the mighty and the powerful. It was not aimed at presidents or prime ministers. It was aimed at ordinary, working-class Londoners — black and white, Muslim and Christian, Hindu and Jew, young and old — indiscriminate attempt to slaughter, irrespective of any considerations for age, for caste, for religion or whatever. <br>That isn't an ideology, it isn't even a perverted faith, it is just indiscriminate attempt at mass murder — and we know what the objective is. They seek to divide Londoners. They seek to turn Londoners against each other. * Finally, I wish to speak, through you, directly to those who came to London today to take life. I know that you personally do not fear to give your own life in exchange for taking others — that is why you are so dangerous. But I know you do fear that you may fail in your long-term objective to destroy our free society, and I can show you why you will fail. In the days that follow look at our airports, look at our sea ports and look at our railway stations, and even after your cowardly attack, you will see that people from the rest of Britain, people from around the world will arrive in London to become Londoners and to fulfil their dreams and achieve their potential.<br>They choose to come to London, as so many have come before because they come to be free, they come to live the life they choose, they come to be able to be themselves. They flee you because you tell them how they should live. They don't want that and nothing you do, however many of us you kill, will stop that flight to our cities where freedom is strong and where people can live in harmony with one another. Whatever you do, however many you kill, you ''will'' fail. ==== Press conference (8 July 2005) ==== * In this city 300 languages are spoken and the people that speak them live side by side in harmony. <br>This city typifies what I believe is the future of the human race and a future where we grow together and we share and we learn from each other. * I want finally to thank Londoners for their solidarity. There are some places in the world where such an incident would have unleashed internal strife and physical violence. London has stood together, we haven’t had any problems of the sort you might see in other parts of the world and I think it says everything about what is right about this city. * If you go back a couple of hundred years to when the European cities really started to grow and peasants left the land to seek their future in the cities there was a saying that “city air makes you free” and the people who have come to London all races, creeds and colours have come for that. This is a city that you can be yourself as long as you don’t harm anyone else. You can live your life as you chose to do rather than as somebody else tells you to do. It is a city in which you can achieve your potential. That, I think, is our strength and that is what the bombers seek to destroy. They fear that freedom, they fear a world in which the individual makes their own life choices and their own moral value judgements and that is what they seek to snuff out. But they will fail. === 2006 === * Perhaps if they're not happy here they can go back to Iran and try their luck with ayatollahs, if they don't like the planning regime or my approach. ** Remarks at press conference, 21 March 2006, criticising the businessmen David and Simon Reuben who were obstructing land acquisition for the 2012 Olympics. The Reuben brothers were in fact born in India, to parents of an Iraqi Jewish heritage. Quoted in "Gaffe lands Livingstone back in trouble" by Jill Sherman in ''The Times'' (22 March 2006). * It would actually be quite nice if the American ambassador in Britain could pay the charge that everybody else is paying and not actually try and skive out of it like some chiselling little crook. ** While being interviewed in the street during his dispute with several embassies for not paying Central London's [[w:London congestion charge|congestion charge]] (late March 2006). ''[http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/uk/article697933.ece ''The Times''] (28 March 2006). ^{[[http://www.nytimes.com/2006/05/02/world/europe/02parking.html?_r=1&oref=slogin ''The New York Times'' comment], 2 May 2006.]} * One thing that Chairman [[Mao Zedong|Mao]] did was to end the appalling foot binding of women. That alone justifies the Mao Tse-tung era. ** As quoted in "Now Livingstone is standing up for Mao's mass murder" by Jane Merrick in ''Daily Mail'' (19 May 2006), p. 48. === 2007 === * To take such generous contracts and screw them up so dramatically must suggest that these are the most probably the worst business people ever assembled in one place to run anything. … the civil servants were taken to the cleaners and on the face of it you still end up with a £750 million overspend based on your mismanagement of them. I think they should be sacked, hung drawn and quartered, thrown out of the country and the whole thing (the London Underground) returned to public ownership. I saw that they (Metronet management) wanted to talk to the Mayor about this — wasting their breath sunshine! — they can go out and raise the money amongst their shareholders who came here to get their snout in the trough — they screwed it up; they are not getting any of our money! ** Remarks made regarding the management of [[w:Metronet|Metronet]] and the [[w:Public Private Partnership|PPP]] of the London Underground during a Mayor's press conference (13 March 2007) * I think Londoners find it bizarre that ten weeks after the allegations in the ''Evening Standard'', you haven't questioned Lee [Jasper]. All these questions about Lee — he can come down from his office now and answer them, and you sanctimonious hypocrites are dragging this out so the lies can carry on in the ''Standard'', you're not talking about Lee coming here 'till March. Bring him here today. Ask him your questions. Let Londoners see the answers. You're dragging this out for electoral purposes. '''Sanctimonious hypocrites''', every one of you. ** Remarks at the London Assembly meeting, criticising the Assembly's approach to allegations against Mayoral adviser Lee Jasper (13 February 2008) * I am not in favour of any parental choice in education. You will go to your local school. ** Interview, [https://www.totalpolitics.com/articles/interview/conversation-ken-livingstone 18 March 2009] == Quotes about Livingstone == [[File:RedKenCarSticker.jpg|thumb|right|He has every right to his own view but not to express it when he is mayor of this city. ~ [[w:Steven Norris|Steven Norris]] ]] * When the ''Labour Herald'' printed a foully anti-semitic cartoon Mr Kenneth Livingstone, boss of the GLC, not only defended its publication, but said that the only thing he regretted about it was that it did not go far enough. ** [[Bernard Levin]], after the GLC allowed a Soviet propaganda exhibition to be held at the Royal Festival Hall in London in February 1983, as quoted in ''The Times''. * Ken is the man that we all need <br> Ken is the leader of the GLC! * We look to the left and to the right<br>And we need help but nobody's in sight<br> Where is the man that we all need<br>Tell him he's to come and rescue me. ** [[Kate Bush]] in the song ''Ken'' written for an episode of the British comedy series ''[[w:The Comic Strip|The Comic Strip Presents...]]'' "[[w:GLC: The Carnage Continues...|GLC: The Carnage Continues...]]" (1990) * He has every right to his own view but not to express it when he is mayor of this city. ** Conservative mayoral candidate [[w:Steven Norris|Steven Norris]] after Livingstone's criticisms of the administration of US President [[George W. Bush]]. * First of all, I've never heard of the fellow. Second, I'm not going to dignify it with a response. ** [[w:Ari Fleischer|Ari Fleischer]], White House Press Secretary, in response to questions about Livingstone's comments of 8 May 2003 about the Bush administration. * I know one thing... Ken Livingstone is a folk hero. ** [[Kevin Rowland]] of [[w:Dexys Midnight Runners|Dexys Midnight Runners]] in the song ''Reminisce, Part One''. * Livingstone apparently is that very odd and increasingly rare creature called a sincere liberal. **[[David Duke]] [http://www.davidduke.com/index.php?p=258] {{Misattributed begin}} == Misattributed == *[Pigeons are] rats with wings. **<p>Although Ken Livingstone has used this phrase on many occasions (including at the Greater London Authority 'People's Question Time' on 24 October 2000: see Hugh Muir, "Ken vows no surrender in tube funding battle", ''Evening Standard'', October 25, 2000, p. 6), the phrase is not original. The screenplay for ''[[Stardust Memories]]'', a 1980 film written and directed by [[Woody Allen]], includes the following:</p><p>'''Sandy Bates''': What was that? What was that?<br>'''Dorrie''': Hey, that's so pretty. A pigeon!<br>'''Sandy Bates''': Geez … no, it's not pretty at all. They're... they're... they're rats with wings.</p> {{Misattributed end}} ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{wikisource author|Ken Livingstone}} *[http://www.london.gov.uk Mayor of London, the London Assembly and the Greater London Authority] — official London government website *[http://www.mayorwatch.org.uk/sections.php?section_id=18 Mayorwatch.org pages] *[http://citymayors.com/mayors/london_mayor.html CityMayors.com Profile of Livingstone] BBC articles: * [http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk_politics/3012347.stm Profile] *[http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/london/4660477.stm Mayor condemns 'cowardly' attack] (7 July 2005) [http://news.bbc.co.uk/media/avdb/news_web/video/9012da68001b270/nb/09012da68001b582_16x9_nb.ram BBC video of Livingstone's statement] (Realplayer format) * [http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/in_depth/uk_politics/2000/london_mayor/736460.stm Ken Livingstone : Rebel Mayor] (5 May 2000) {{DEFAULTSORT:Livingstone, Ken}} [[Category:Political leaders]] [[Category:Members of the Parliament of the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Mayors]] [[Category:1945 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Labour Party (UK) politicians]] [[Category:English atheists]] [[Category:People from London]] [[Category:LGBT rights activists]] 2gt8ylvqpzq1iinya6nlrduw9fowuqe 0 11476 3152970 3084791 2022-08-09T18:12:36Z Kaltenmeyer 359014 typo wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Dave Eggers by David Shankbone.jpg|thumb|Dave Eggers in 2007]] '''[[w:Dave_Eggers|Dave Eggers]]''' (born [[March 12]], [[1970]]) is an American writer, editor and publisher. == Quotes == === ''[[w:A Heartbreaking Work Of Staggering Genius|A Heartbreaking Work Of Staggering Genius]]'' (2000)=== * And we will be ready, at the end of every day will be ready, will not say no to anything, will try to stay awake while everyone is sleeping, will not sleep, will make the shoes with the elves, will breathe deeply all the time, breathe in all the air full of glass and nails and blood, will breathe it and drink it, so rich, so when it comes we will not be angry, will be content, tired enough to go, gratefully, will shake hands with everyone, bye, bye, and then pack a bag, some snacks, and go to the volcano. * First of all: <br>I am tired. <br>I am true of heart! <br> <br> And also:<br>You are tired.<br>You are true of heart! * Matter of fact, the first three or four chapters are all some of you might want to bother with. That gets you to page 123 or so, which is a nice length, a nice novella sort of length. * ‘Listen John—’<br> ‘Who’s John?’ <br> ‘You’re John.’ <br>‘I’m John?’ <br> ‘Yeah, I changed your name.’ * I am sorry Chris is late this morning. I could make something up about an appointment or a sickness, but the fact is that we woke up late. Go figure <br>Best, <br> Brother of Toph. * Ooh, look at me, I’m Dave, I’m writing a book! With all my thoughts in it. La la la! * . . . I’ll raise my arms and give you my chest and throat and wait, and I’ve been so old for so long for you, for you, I want it fast and right through me— Oh do it, do it you motherfuckers do it you fuckers finally, finally, finally. * We’re best at the long high throws. Like when you take four or five steps and rip it— It’s almost like a shotput approach, the steps, four or five quick, one over the other, kind of sideways-like—and then you slash away with that fucker, it’s such a violent act, throwing that white thing, you’re first cradling it to your breast and then you whip that fucker as hard as you can while keeping it level, keeping it straight, but otherwise with everything you can send with it you whip that fucker like it had blades on it and you wanted it to cut straight through the paperblue sky like a screen, rip through it and have it be blood and back space beyond. * We cannot fathom why people would stand across the street, easily a hundred feet away, when they could be so close, near us. <br> ‘Suckers.’ I tell Toph, thumbing toward those watching from so far away. It is important, I feel, that the boy knows what suckers look like.” * Toph does not know the words, and I know few of the words, but you cannot fucking stop us from singing === ''[[w:You Shall Know Our Velocity|You Shall Know Our Velocity!]]'' (2002)=== * — Mr. Churchill you were given a mission.<br> — Yes <br> — I want to have been given your mission. I want your place in world events, the centrality of it. You were born in the cradle of a catapult!<br> — You are wrong. I found my mission. <br> — I disagree.<br> — If you must. <br> — Tell me: where is my mission? Where are my bunkers and trenches, my goddamn Gallipoli? * Hand took a breath and opened his palms, as if accepting the gift of rain. "YOU SHALL KNOW OUR VELOCITY!" he bellowed into the cold exhausted city. * There are people who meet strangers and people, like me, who know only those they’ve known from birth * I was feeling everything too much. Everything was pulling at my eyes. * We’d have a motherfucking shitload of dogs! Horses. Peacocks. Oh to live among peacocks. I’d seen them once in person and they defied so many laws of color and gravity that they had to be made geniuses waiting to take over everything. * I was a looker someone who looked over at every car at every traffic light, hoping something would happen, and almost never finding anyone looking back- always everyone looking forward, and every time I felt stupid. Why should people look over at you? Why would they care? * But that in any city, in any cluster of people, there a few people who are awake at this hour, who are both awake and dancing, and it’s here that we need to be. That if we are living as we were this week, that we had to be awake with the people who are still dancing. * We sleep when we fall. We only sleep when we can’t move anymore. That’s juvenile. But it means everything. It’s the illusion of progress. Staying awake isn’t progress. The illusion is enough. * When we pass by another person without telling them we love them it’s cruel and wrong and we all know this. * What did we want? We want the world smaller and bigger and just the same but advancing. We don’t know what we want. * What are we allowed to do when we’re looking for things we’re required to do? === ''[[w:What Is the What|What is the What: The Autobiography of Valentino Achak Deng]]'' (2006) === * The pain is not great. But the symbolism is disagreeable. ** Ch. 5, pp. 50 * Humans are divided between those who can still look through the eyes of youth and those who cannot. Though it causes me frequent pain, I find it very easy to place myself in the shoes of almost any boy, and can conjure my own youth with an ease that is troublesome. ** Ch. 10, p. 110 * I cannot count the times I have cursed our lack of urgency. If I ever love again, I will not wait to love as best as I can. We thought we were young and that there would be time to love well sometime in the future. This is a terrible way to think. It is no way to live, to wait to love. ** Ch. 21, pp. 317-318 * I speak to these people, and I speak to you because I cannot help it. It gives me strength, almost unbelievable strength, to know that you are there. I covet your eyes, your ears, the collapsible space between us. How blessed are we to have each other? I am alive and you are alive so we must fill the air with our words. I will fill today, tomorrow, every day until I am taken back to God. I will tell stories to people who will listen and to people who don’t want to listen, to people who seek me out and to those who run. All the while I will know that you are there. How can I pretend that you do not exist? It would be almost as impossible as you pretending that I do not exist. ** Ch. 26, pp. 474-475 === ''[[w:The Circle (Eggers novel)|The Circle]]'' (2013) === * "It's not that I'm not social. I'm social enough. But the tools you guys create actually ''manufacture'' unnaturally extreme social needs. No one needs the level of contact you're purveying. It improves nothing. It's not nourishing. It's like snack food. You know how they engineer this food? They scientifically determine precisely how much salt and fat they need to include to keep you eating. You're not hungry, you don't need the food, it does nothing for you, but you keep eating these empty calories. This is what you're pushing. Same thing. Endless empty calories, but the digital-social equivalent. And you calibrate it so it's equally addictive." ** Mercer, to Mae; p. 134 * "If there's a locked door, I start to make up all kinds of stories about what might be behind it. I feel like it's some kind of secret, and it leads to me making up lies. But if all the doors are open, physically and metaphorically, there's only the one truth." ** Mae, to Bailey; p. 299 * "It was selfish and nothing more. The same way a child doesn't want to share her favorite toy. I understand that secrecy is part of, well, an aberrant behavior system. It comes from a bad place, not a place of light and generosity. And when you deprive your friends, or someone like your son Gunner, of experiences like I had, you're basically stealing from them. You're depriving them of something they have a right to. Knowledge is a basic human right. Equal access to all possible human experience is a basic human right." ** Mae, to Bailey; p. 303 * "I understand that we're obligated, as humans, to share what we see and know. And that all knowledge must be democratically accessible."<br>"It's the natural state of information to be free." ** Mae and Bailey; p. 304 * SECRETS ARE LIES<br>SHARING IS CARING<br>PRIVACY IS THEFT ** p. 305 * "What would transparency be if we could delete anything we felt was embarrassing in some way? You know we don't delete." ** Eamon Bailey, to Mae; p. 372 * "When everything is known, everything acceptable will be accepted." ** Eamon Bailey, to Mae; pp. 372-372 * "You and yours at the Circle, you're gonna save all the souls. You're gonna get everyone in one place, you're gonna teach them all the same things. There can only be one morality, one set of rules. Imagine! Now all humans will have the eyes of God. You know this passage? 'All things are naked and opened unto the eyes of God.' Something like that. You know your Bible? Now we're all God. Every one of us will soon be able to see, and cast judgment upon, every other. We'll see what He sees. We'll articulate His judgment. We'll channel His wrath and deliver His forgiveness. On a constant and global level. All religion has been waiting for this, when every human is a direct and immediate messenger of God's will. Do you see what I'm saying?" ** Man, to Mae and Francis; pp. 398-399 * Openness is all, she thought. Truth was its own reward. ** p. 449 * It was not knowing that was the seed of madness, loneliness, fear. But there were ways to solve all this. Clarity had made her knowable to the world, and had made her better, had brought her close, she hoped, to perfection. Now the world would follow. Full transparency would bring full access, and there would be no more not-knowing. Mae smiled, thinking about how simple it all was, how pure. Bailey shared her smile. ** p. 470 * "Don't you see that's just one of the consequences of all this? There will be more Mercers. So many more. So many people who do't want to be found but who will be. So any people who wanted no part of all this. That's what's new. There used to be the option of opting out. But now that's over. Completion is the end. We're closing the circle around everyone - it's a totalitarian nightmare." ** Kalden/Ty, to Mae; p. 486 * "I want you to connect these dots and see if you see what I see. Picture this. The Circle has been devouring all competitors for years, correct? It only makes the company stronger. Already 90 percent of the world's searches go through the Circle. Without competitors, this will increase. Soon it'll be nearly 100 percent. Now, you and I both know that if you can control the flow of information, you can control everything. You can control most of what anyone sees and knows. If you want to bury some piece of information, permanently, that's two seconds' work. If you want to ruin anyone, that's five minutes' work. How can anyone rise up against the Circle if they control all the information and access to it? They want everyone to have a Circle account, and they're well on their way to making it illegal not to. What happens then? What happens when they control all searches, and have full access to all data about every person? When they know every move everyone makes? When all monetary transactions, all health and DNA information, every piece of one's life, good or bad, when every word uttered flows through one channel?" ** Kalden/Ty, to Mae; pp. 487-488 * "Under the guise of having every voice heard, you create mob rule, a filterless society where secrets are crimes." ** Kalden/Ty, to Mae; p. 488 * "Most people would trade everything they know, every''one'' they know - they'd trade it all to know they've been seen, and acknowledged, that they might even be remembered/ We all know we die. We all know the world is too big for us to be significant. So all we have is the hope of being seen, or heard, even for a moment." ** Mae, to Kalden/Ty; p. 490 == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{commons category}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Eggers, Dave}} [[Category:1970 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:People from Boston]] [[Category:People from Illinois]] [[Category:Postmodern authors]] [[Category:Novelists from the United States]] [[Category:Memoirists from the United States]] [[Category:Short story writers from the United States]] [[Category:Humorists from the United States]] [[Category:Journalists from the United States]] [[Category:American publishers]] [[Category:Businesspeople from the United States]] lo5c3wqd9lhz555gxyr64hneo6wnjih 0 11679 3153032 3146577 2022-08-09T22:59:51Z C.J. Griffin 862699 /* H */ Adding Hedges wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Extinct animals cemetery.jpg|thumb|The beauty and genius of a work of art may be reconceived, though its first material expression be destroyed; a vanished harmony may yet again inspire the composer; but when the last individual of a race of living beings breathes no more, another heaven and another earth must pass before such a one can be again. —[[William Beebe]]]] In [[biology]] and [[ecology]], '''[[w:extinction|extinction]]''' is the end of an [[w:organism|organism]] or of a group of organisms ([[w:taxon|taxon]]), normally a [[w:species|species]]. The moment of extinction is generally considered to be the death of the [[w:endling|last individual]] of the species, although the [[w:Functional extinction|capacity to breed and recover]] may have been lost before this point. __NOTOC__ {{TOCalpha}} ==B== * The beauty and genius of a work of art may be reconceived, though its first material expression be destroyed; a vanished harmony may yet again inspire the composer; but when the last individual of a race of living beings breathes no more, another heaven and another earth must pass before such a one can be again. ** [[William Beebe]], ''The Bird,'' 1906 * It is noteworthy that human concern about human extinction takes a different form from human concern (where there is any) about the extinction of non-human species. Most humans who are concerned about the extinction of non-human species are not concerned about the individual animals whose lives are cut short in the passage to extinction, even though that is one of the best reasons to be concerned about extinction (at least in its killing form). The popular concern about animal extinction is usually concern for humans –- that we shall live in a world impoverished by the loss of one aspect of faunal diversity, that we shall no longer be able to behold or use that species of animal. In other words, none of the typical concerns about human extinction are applied to non-human species extinction. ** [[David Benatar]], ''Better Never To Have Been: The Harm of Coming into Existence,'' 2006, p. 197. <small>{{ISBN|978-0199549269}}</small> * We are now living in the era of the [[w:Holocene extinction|sixth extinction]] crisis in the history of the planet, the last one occurring 65 million years ago when a meteor struck the Gulf of Mexico and annihilated half of existing species including the dinosaurs. Unlike the last five, however, the sixth extinction crisis is caused by human activity. **[[Steven Best]], ''The Politics of Total Liberation: Revolution for the 21st Century'' (2014), p. 160. <small>{{ISBN|978-1349500864}}</small> * This time it is we who are the meteor crashing into the earth, and we keep crashing and crashing and crashing, never allowing the planet to recover. We are a meteor ''storm'' that continuously, repetitively keeps slamming into the planet, precluding adaptation and blocking recovery. If we cannot learn how to live on this planet and harmonize our existence with other species and the biocommunity as a whole, then, frankly, we have no right to live at all. If we can only exploit, plunder, and destroy, then surely our demise is for the greater good. Whereas worms, pollinators, dung beetles, and countless other species are vital to a flourishing planet, Homo sapiens is the one species the earth could well do without. **[[Steven Best]], ''The Politics of Total Liberation: Revolution for the 21st Century'' (2014), pp. 165-66. <small>{{ISBN|978-1349500864}}</small> * We have since built museums to celebrate the past, and spent decades studying prehistoric lives. And if all this has taught us anything, it is this: no species lasts forever. ** [[w:Kenneth Branagh|Kenneth Branagh]], final episode of ''[[w:Walking with Beasts|Walking with Beasts]]'' (2001) [[File:ExtinctDodoBird.jpeg|thumb|right|The extinct Dodo. Reconstruction of 1626 painting by Roelant Savery]] *EXTINCTION, n. The raw material out of which theology created the future state. ** [[Ambrose Bierce]], "Decalogue", ''The Devil's Dictionary'' (1906). ==C== * Much less frequently mentioned are, however, the ultimate drivers of those immediate causes of biotic destruction, namely, [[W:Human overpopulation|human overpopulation]] and continued [[w:Population growth|population growth]], and [[w:Overconsumption|overconsumption]], especially by the rich. These drivers, all of which trace to the fiction that perpetual growth can occur on a finite planet, are themselves increasing rapidly. ** Gerardo Ceballos, [[Paul R. Ehrlich]] and Rodolfo Dirzo, "[https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5544311/ Biological annihilation via the ongoing sixth mass extinction signaled by vertebrate population losses and declines]." ''[[w:Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences of the United States of America|PNAS]]'', 2017. *Life has now entered a sixth mass extinction. This is probably the most serious environmental problem, because the loss of a species is permanent, each of them playing a greater or lesser role in the living systems on which we all depend . The species extinctions that define the current crisis are, in turn, based on the massive disappearance of their component populations, mostly since the 1800s. The massive losses that we are experiencing are being caused, directly or indirectly, by the activities of Homo sapiens. They have almost all occurred since our ancestors developed agriculture, some 11,000 y ago. At that time, we numbered about 1 million people worldwide; now there are 7.7 billion of us, and our numbers are still rapidly growing. As our numbers have grown, humanity has come to pose an unprecedented threat to the vast majority of its living companions. ** Gerardo Ceballos, [[Paul R. Ehrlich]], and {{w|Peter H. Raven}}, "[https://www.pnas.org/content/early/2020/05/27/1922686117 Vertebrates on the brink as indicators of biological annihilation and the sixth mass extinction]". ''{{w|PNAS}}'', 2020. * Let's not be too quick to blame the human race for everything. We must remember that a great many species of animals became extinct before man ever appeared on earth. At the same time it is probably true that when two husky representatives of ''Homo sapiens'', with clubs, corner the last two birds of a species, no matter how far they have or have not evolved, both the [[w:Phylogenetics|phylogeny]] and the [[w:Ontogeny|ontogeny]] of those birds are, to all intents and purposes, over. ** [[Will Cuppy]], ''How to Become Extinct'', 1941 *The Dodo never had a chance. He seems to have been invented for the sole purpose of becoming extinct and that was all he was good for. ** ''-- id.'' *Becoming extinct has its compensations. It's a good deal like beating the game. I would go so far as to say that becoming extinct is the perfect answer to everything and I defy anybody to think of a better. Other solutions are mere palliatives, just a bunch of loose ends, leaving the central problem untouched. ** ''--id.'' ==D== * [[Capitalism]] is not necessarily more immoral than previous social systems with regard to cruelty to humans and the gratuitous destruction of nature. As a mode of production and a social system, however, capitalism ''requires'' people to be destructive of the environment. Three destructive aspects of the capitalist system stand out when we view this system in relation to the extinction crisis: 1) capitalism tends to degrade the conditions of its own production; 2) it must expand ceaselessly in order to survive; 3) it generates a chaotic world system, which in turn intensifies the extinction crisis. ** {{w|Ashley Dawson}}, ''Extinction: A Radical History'', 2016, p. 41. <small>{{ISBN|978-1944869014}}</small> ==F== * The Brontosaurus had a brain no bigger than a crisp.<br>The Dodo had a stammer, and the Mammoth had a lisp.<br>The Auk was just too awkward. Now they're none of them alive;<br>Each one, like Man, had shown himself unfitted to survive.<br>Their story points a moral; now it's we who wear the pants.<br>The extinction of these species holds a lesson for us ants. ** [[Michael Flanders]], "Dead Ducks", from ''The Bestiary of Flanders and Swann'', 1967 ==H== * We are experiencing an accelerated obliteration of the planet’s life-forms — an estimated 8,760 species die off per year — because, simply put, there are too many people. Most of these extinctions are the direct result of the expanding need for energy, housing, food and other resources. The {{w|Baiji|Yangtze River dolphin}}, {{w|Atlantic gray whale}}, {{w|Western black rhinoceros|West African black rhino}}, {{w|Merriam's elk}}, {{w|California grizzly bear}}, {{w|silver trout}}, {{w|blue pike}} and {{w|dusky seaside sparrow}} are all victims of human overpopulation. Population growth, as [[E. O. Wilson]] says, is "the monster on the land." Species are vanishing at a rate of a hundred to a thousand times faster than they did before the arrival of humans. If the current rate of extinction continues, Homo sapiens will be one of the few life-forms left on the planet, its members scrambling violently among themselves for water, food, fossil fuels and perhaps air until they too disappear. Humanity, Wilson says, is leaving the {{w|Cenozoic}}, the age of mammals, and entering the Eremozoic — the era of solitude. As long as the Earth is viewed as the personal property of the human race, a belief embraced by everyone from {{w|Born again|born-again}} Christians to [[Marxists]] to [[free-market]] economists, we are destined to soon inhabit a biological wasteland. ** [[Chris Hedges]], [https://www.truthdig.com/articles/we-are-breeding-ourselves-to-extinction/"We Are Breeding Ourselves to Extinction", truthdig.com], March 9, 2009 * A few years ago, virtually no one was talking about this . . . everyone just assumed that the web of life would always be intact. Now the situation is so severe that the United Nations has set up a special task force to monitor it: the {{w|Intergovernmental Science-Policy Platform on Biodiversity and Ecosystem Services}} (IPBES). In 209,it published its first {{w|Global Assessment Report on Biodiversity and Ecosystem Services|comprehensive report}} – a groundbreaking assessment of the planet's living species, drawing on 15,000 studies from around the world and representing the consensus of hundreds of scientists. It found an accelerating rate of global {{w|Biodiversity loss|biodiversity decline}}, unprecedented in human history. **[[Jason Hickel]], ''Less is More: How Degrowth Will Save the World'', 2021, pp. 8-9 * It's no wonder that we react so nonchalantly to the ever-mounting statistics about the crisis of mass extinction. We have a habit of taking this information with surprising calm. We don't weep. We don't get worked up. Why? Because we see humans as fundamentally separate from the rest of the living community. Those species are ''out there'', in the ''environment''. They aren't in here; they aren't part of ''us''. It is not surprising that we behave this way. After all, this is the core principle of capitalism: that the world is not really alive, and it is certainly not our kin, but rather just stuff to be extracted and discarded – and that includes most of the human beings living here too. From its very first principles, capitalism has set itself at war against life itself. **[[Jason Hickel]], ''Less is More: How Degrowth Will Save the World'', 2021, p.80 ==K== * The process continues, in fits and starts, for thousands of years, until the species, no longer so new, has spread to practically every corner of the globe. At this point, several things happen more or less at once to allow ''Homo sapiens'', as it has come to call itself, to reproduce at an unprecedented rate. In a single century the population doubles; the doubles again, and then again. Vast forests are razed. Humans do this deliberately, in order to feed themselves. Less deliberately, they shift organisms from one continent to another, reassembling the biosphere. ** {{w|Elizabeth Kolbert}}, ''{{w|The Sixth Extinction: An Unnatural History}}'', 2014, p. 2. <small>{{ISBN|978-1250062185}}</small> ==L== * We are currently, in a systematic manner, exterminating all non-human living beings. **{{w|Anne Larigauderie}}, {{w|IPBES}} executive secretary, quoted in Jason Hickel, ''Less is More: How Degrowth Will Save the World'', 2021, p. 9 * The most wretched of all current trends is of course the mass extinction of organisms, which has been escalating for decades and is still increasing in magnitude. ** [[Pentti Linkola]], ''Can Life Prevail?: A Revolutionary Approach to the Environmental Crisis'', 2011, page 183. ==P== * Finding out that 1 million species face extinction without radical corrective changes in human behavior is akin to finding out you have a fatal disease. One day you have a thousand problems; the next, you have just one. Nothing in today’s headlines compares to the catastrophic potential posed by climate change and the decimating effects of careless consumerism around the globe. ** Kathleen Parker, "[https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/the-end-of-the-everything-may-be-what-weve-been-needing/2019/05/07/902027ac-7101-11e9-9f06-5fc2ee80027a_story.html Nothing in today's headlines compares to the coming catastrophe]." ''[[w:The Washington Post|The Washington Post]]'', May 7, 2019. * Indeed, in the long run, extinctions of species are as inevitable as the deaths of individual animals, and it may be that the causes of extinctions are as varied as the causes of individual deaths.<br>A wave of extinctions—a sudden diminution in the number of species—is analogous to a sudden big drop in the size of a human population, an event that deserves to be explained even though the individual people would inevitably have died sooner or later anyway. Catastrophes in human populations have many causes: war, famine, and pestilence are the possibilities that first spring to mind. There may be equally many causes for evolutionary catastrophes, as waves of extinctions could well be called. Another possibility, however, is that extinctions come in waves that are part of a recurring cycle. It would then be the cycle itself, rather than each individual wave in the cycle, that would need to be explained. If there is such a cycle, it presumably follows a cycle in the inorganic world, such as cyclic climactic changes. ** [[w:E. C. Pielou|E. C. Pielou]], [https://books.google.com/books?id=knEyjCYWEHQC& "After the Ice Age: The Return of Life to Glaciated North America"] (1991). University of Chicago Press. Trade paperback edition; <small>{{ISBN|0-226-66812-6}}</small>, pages 252-253 ==R== *Moreover, we have unleashed a mass extinction event, the sixth in roughly 540 million years, wherein many current life forms could be annihilated or at least committed to extinction by the end of this century. ** {{w|William J. Ripple}} et al, "{{w|World Scientists' Warning to Humanity}}: A Second Notice," ''{{w|BioScience}}'', 2017. ==S== * Since after extinction no one will be present to take responsibility, we have to take full responsibility now. ** [[w:Jonathan Schell|Jonathan Schell]], ''The Fate of the Earth,'' 1982, <small>{{ISBN|0-39452-559-0}}</small> ==W== * This did not happen yesterday because we suddenly became aware of the dangers of global warming. It began 50,000 years ago when a relatively hairless primate stumbled out of equatorial Africa and began wiping out the megafauna of the time. Wherever this creature (our ancestor) went, their arrival was followed by large die-outs of megafauna. Primitive hominids were well-organized, efficient, slaughter crews. As they advanced, the mammoth, sabre-toothed cats, cave bears, giant sloths, camels, horses, and wholly rhinos fell to their stone weapons and deliberately set fires. The extinction of all of these great mega-species is directly attributable to "primitive" human hunters. The hunting down of the mega-fauna was followed by the advent of agriculture and the domestication of selected animals. Domesticated cows, goats, sheep, and pigs grew in numbers and denuded large areas of grasslands. Irrigation systems began to toxify land. Then agriculture was followed by industrial activities, and finally, by the burning off of vast amounts of fossil fuels. ** [[Paul Watson]], ''[https://www.seashepherd.org.uk/news-and-commentary/commentary/the-beginning-of-the-end-for-life-as-we-know-it-on-planet-earth.html The Beginning of the End for Life as We Know it on Planet Earth? There is a Biocentric Solution.]'' Commentary by Paul Watson, Founder and President of {{w|Sea Shepherd Conservation Society}} ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{wiktionary|extinction}} *[https://theconversation.com/what-is-a-mass-extinction-and-are-we-in-one-now-122535 What is a ‘mass extinction’ and are we in one now?] ''{{w|:The Conversation (website)|The Conversation}}'', November 12, 2019. [[Category:Themes]] [[Category:Ecology]] nwhmujeeeaqawq3hklsq8gjx2l22y0z 3153034 3153032 2022-08-09T23:01:05Z C.J. Griffin 862699 /* W */ Fixing broken link wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Extinct animals cemetery.jpg|thumb|The beauty and genius of a work of art may be reconceived, though its first material expression be destroyed; a vanished harmony may yet again inspire the composer; but when the last individual of a race of living beings breathes no more, another heaven and another earth must pass before such a one can be again. —[[William Beebe]]]] In [[biology]] and [[ecology]], '''[[w:extinction|extinction]]''' is the end of an [[w:organism|organism]] or of a group of organisms ([[w:taxon|taxon]]), normally a [[w:species|species]]. The moment of extinction is generally considered to be the death of the [[w:endling|last individual]] of the species, although the [[w:Functional extinction|capacity to breed and recover]] may have been lost before this point. __NOTOC__ {{TOCalpha}} ==B== * The beauty and genius of a work of art may be reconceived, though its first material expression be destroyed; a vanished harmony may yet again inspire the composer; but when the last individual of a race of living beings breathes no more, another heaven and another earth must pass before such a one can be again. ** [[William Beebe]], ''The Bird,'' 1906 * It is noteworthy that human concern about human extinction takes a different form from human concern (where there is any) about the extinction of non-human species. Most humans who are concerned about the extinction of non-human species are not concerned about the individual animals whose lives are cut short in the passage to extinction, even though that is one of the best reasons to be concerned about extinction (at least in its killing form). The popular concern about animal extinction is usually concern for humans –- that we shall live in a world impoverished by the loss of one aspect of faunal diversity, that we shall no longer be able to behold or use that species of animal. In other words, none of the typical concerns about human extinction are applied to non-human species extinction. ** [[David Benatar]], ''Better Never To Have Been: The Harm of Coming into Existence,'' 2006, p. 197. <small>{{ISBN|978-0199549269}}</small> * We are now living in the era of the [[w:Holocene extinction|sixth extinction]] crisis in the history of the planet, the last one occurring 65 million years ago when a meteor struck the Gulf of Mexico and annihilated half of existing species including the dinosaurs. Unlike the last five, however, the sixth extinction crisis is caused by human activity. **[[Steven Best]], ''The Politics of Total Liberation: Revolution for the 21st Century'' (2014), p. 160. <small>{{ISBN|978-1349500864}}</small> * This time it is we who are the meteor crashing into the earth, and we keep crashing and crashing and crashing, never allowing the planet to recover. We are a meteor ''storm'' that continuously, repetitively keeps slamming into the planet, precluding adaptation and blocking recovery. If we cannot learn how to live on this planet and harmonize our existence with other species and the biocommunity as a whole, then, frankly, we have no right to live at all. If we can only exploit, plunder, and destroy, then surely our demise is for the greater good. Whereas worms, pollinators, dung beetles, and countless other species are vital to a flourishing planet, Homo sapiens is the one species the earth could well do without. **[[Steven Best]], ''The Politics of Total Liberation: Revolution for the 21st Century'' (2014), pp. 165-66. <small>{{ISBN|978-1349500864}}</small> * We have since built museums to celebrate the past, and spent decades studying prehistoric lives. And if all this has taught us anything, it is this: no species lasts forever. ** [[w:Kenneth Branagh|Kenneth Branagh]], final episode of ''[[w:Walking with Beasts|Walking with Beasts]]'' (2001) [[File:ExtinctDodoBird.jpeg|thumb|right|The extinct Dodo. Reconstruction of 1626 painting by Roelant Savery]] *EXTINCTION, n. The raw material out of which theology created the future state. ** [[Ambrose Bierce]], "Decalogue", ''The Devil's Dictionary'' (1906). ==C== * Much less frequently mentioned are, however, the ultimate drivers of those immediate causes of biotic destruction, namely, [[W:Human overpopulation|human overpopulation]] and continued [[w:Population growth|population growth]], and [[w:Overconsumption|overconsumption]], especially by the rich. These drivers, all of which trace to the fiction that perpetual growth can occur on a finite planet, are themselves increasing rapidly. ** Gerardo Ceballos, [[Paul R. Ehrlich]] and Rodolfo Dirzo, "[https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5544311/ Biological annihilation via the ongoing sixth mass extinction signaled by vertebrate population losses and declines]." ''[[w:Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences of the United States of America|PNAS]]'', 2017. *Life has now entered a sixth mass extinction. This is probably the most serious environmental problem, because the loss of a species is permanent, each of them playing a greater or lesser role in the living systems on which we all depend . The species extinctions that define the current crisis are, in turn, based on the massive disappearance of their component populations, mostly since the 1800s. The massive losses that we are experiencing are being caused, directly or indirectly, by the activities of Homo sapiens. They have almost all occurred since our ancestors developed agriculture, some 11,000 y ago. At that time, we numbered about 1 million people worldwide; now there are 7.7 billion of us, and our numbers are still rapidly growing. As our numbers have grown, humanity has come to pose an unprecedented threat to the vast majority of its living companions. ** Gerardo Ceballos, [[Paul R. Ehrlich]], and {{w|Peter H. Raven}}, "[https://www.pnas.org/content/early/2020/05/27/1922686117 Vertebrates on the brink as indicators of biological annihilation and the sixth mass extinction]". ''{{w|PNAS}}'', 2020. * Let's not be too quick to blame the human race for everything. We must remember that a great many species of animals became extinct before man ever appeared on earth. At the same time it is probably true that when two husky representatives of ''Homo sapiens'', with clubs, corner the last two birds of a species, no matter how far they have or have not evolved, both the [[w:Phylogenetics|phylogeny]] and the [[w:Ontogeny|ontogeny]] of those birds are, to all intents and purposes, over. ** [[Will Cuppy]], ''How to Become Extinct'', 1941 *The Dodo never had a chance. He seems to have been invented for the sole purpose of becoming extinct and that was all he was good for. ** ''-- id.'' *Becoming extinct has its compensations. It's a good deal like beating the game. I would go so far as to say that becoming extinct is the perfect answer to everything and I defy anybody to think of a better. Other solutions are mere palliatives, just a bunch of loose ends, leaving the central problem untouched. ** ''--id.'' ==D== * [[Capitalism]] is not necessarily more immoral than previous social systems with regard to cruelty to humans and the gratuitous destruction of nature. As a mode of production and a social system, however, capitalism ''requires'' people to be destructive of the environment. Three destructive aspects of the capitalist system stand out when we view this system in relation to the extinction crisis: 1) capitalism tends to degrade the conditions of its own production; 2) it must expand ceaselessly in order to survive; 3) it generates a chaotic world system, which in turn intensifies the extinction crisis. ** {{w|Ashley Dawson}}, ''Extinction: A Radical History'', 2016, p. 41. <small>{{ISBN|978-1944869014}}</small> ==F== * The Brontosaurus had a brain no bigger than a crisp.<br>The Dodo had a stammer, and the Mammoth had a lisp.<br>The Auk was just too awkward. Now they're none of them alive;<br>Each one, like Man, had shown himself unfitted to survive.<br>Their story points a moral; now it's we who wear the pants.<br>The extinction of these species holds a lesson for us ants. ** [[Michael Flanders]], "Dead Ducks", from ''The Bestiary of Flanders and Swann'', 1967 ==H== * We are experiencing an accelerated obliteration of the planet’s life-forms — an estimated 8,760 species die off per year — because, simply put, there are too many people. Most of these extinctions are the direct result of the expanding need for energy, housing, food and other resources. The {{w|Baiji|Yangtze River dolphin}}, {{w|Atlantic gray whale}}, {{w|Western black rhinoceros|West African black rhino}}, {{w|Merriam's elk}}, {{w|California grizzly bear}}, {{w|silver trout}}, {{w|blue pike}} and {{w|dusky seaside sparrow}} are all victims of human overpopulation. Population growth, as [[E. O. Wilson]] says, is "the monster on the land." Species are vanishing at a rate of a hundred to a thousand times faster than they did before the arrival of humans. If the current rate of extinction continues, Homo sapiens will be one of the few life-forms left on the planet, its members scrambling violently among themselves for water, food, fossil fuels and perhaps air until they too disappear. Humanity, Wilson says, is leaving the {{w|Cenozoic}}, the age of mammals, and entering the Eremozoic — the era of solitude. As long as the Earth is viewed as the personal property of the human race, a belief embraced by everyone from {{w|Born again|born-again}} Christians to [[Marxists]] to [[free-market]] economists, we are destined to soon inhabit a biological wasteland. ** [[Chris Hedges]], [https://www.truthdig.com/articles/we-are-breeding-ourselves-to-extinction/"We Are Breeding Ourselves to Extinction", truthdig.com], March 9, 2009 * A few years ago, virtually no one was talking about this . . . everyone just assumed that the web of life would always be intact. Now the situation is so severe that the United Nations has set up a special task force to monitor it: the {{w|Intergovernmental Science-Policy Platform on Biodiversity and Ecosystem Services}} (IPBES). In 209,it published its first {{w|Global Assessment Report on Biodiversity and Ecosystem Services|comprehensive report}} – a groundbreaking assessment of the planet's living species, drawing on 15,000 studies from around the world and representing the consensus of hundreds of scientists. It found an accelerating rate of global {{w|Biodiversity loss|biodiversity decline}}, unprecedented in human history. **[[Jason Hickel]], ''Less is More: How Degrowth Will Save the World'', 2021, pp. 8-9 * It's no wonder that we react so nonchalantly to the ever-mounting statistics about the crisis of mass extinction. We have a habit of taking this information with surprising calm. We don't weep. We don't get worked up. Why? Because we see humans as fundamentally separate from the rest of the living community. Those species are ''out there'', in the ''environment''. They aren't in here; they aren't part of ''us''. It is not surprising that we behave this way. After all, this is the core principle of capitalism: that the world is not really alive, and it is certainly not our kin, but rather just stuff to be extracted and discarded – and that includes most of the human beings living here too. From its very first principles, capitalism has set itself at war against life itself. **[[Jason Hickel]], ''Less is More: How Degrowth Will Save the World'', 2021, p.80 ==K== * The process continues, in fits and starts, for thousands of years, until the species, no longer so new, has spread to practically every corner of the globe. At this point, several things happen more or less at once to allow ''Homo sapiens'', as it has come to call itself, to reproduce at an unprecedented rate. In a single century the population doubles; the doubles again, and then again. Vast forests are razed. Humans do this deliberately, in order to feed themselves. Less deliberately, they shift organisms from one continent to another, reassembling the biosphere. ** {{w|Elizabeth Kolbert}}, ''{{w|The Sixth Extinction: An Unnatural History}}'', 2014, p. 2. <small>{{ISBN|978-1250062185}}</small> ==L== * We are currently, in a systematic manner, exterminating all non-human living beings. **{{w|Anne Larigauderie}}, {{w|IPBES}} executive secretary, quoted in Jason Hickel, ''Less is More: How Degrowth Will Save the World'', 2021, p. 9 * The most wretched of all current trends is of course the mass extinction of organisms, which has been escalating for decades and is still increasing in magnitude. ** [[Pentti Linkola]], ''Can Life Prevail?: A Revolutionary Approach to the Environmental Crisis'', 2011, page 183. ==P== * Finding out that 1 million species face extinction without radical corrective changes in human behavior is akin to finding out you have a fatal disease. One day you have a thousand problems; the next, you have just one. Nothing in today’s headlines compares to the catastrophic potential posed by climate change and the decimating effects of careless consumerism around the globe. ** Kathleen Parker, "[https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/the-end-of-the-everything-may-be-what-weve-been-needing/2019/05/07/902027ac-7101-11e9-9f06-5fc2ee80027a_story.html Nothing in today's headlines compares to the coming catastrophe]." ''[[w:The Washington Post|The Washington Post]]'', May 7, 2019. * Indeed, in the long run, extinctions of species are as inevitable as the deaths of individual animals, and it may be that the causes of extinctions are as varied as the causes of individual deaths.<br>A wave of extinctions—a sudden diminution in the number of species—is analogous to a sudden big drop in the size of a human population, an event that deserves to be explained even though the individual people would inevitably have died sooner or later anyway. Catastrophes in human populations have many causes: war, famine, and pestilence are the possibilities that first spring to mind. There may be equally many causes for evolutionary catastrophes, as waves of extinctions could well be called. Another possibility, however, is that extinctions come in waves that are part of a recurring cycle. It would then be the cycle itself, rather than each individual wave in the cycle, that would need to be explained. If there is such a cycle, it presumably follows a cycle in the inorganic world, such as cyclic climactic changes. ** [[w:E. C. Pielou|E. C. Pielou]], [https://books.google.com/books?id=knEyjCYWEHQC& "After the Ice Age: The Return of Life to Glaciated North America"] (1991). University of Chicago Press. Trade paperback edition; <small>{{ISBN|0-226-66812-6}}</small>, pages 252-253 ==R== *Moreover, we have unleashed a mass extinction event, the sixth in roughly 540 million years, wherein many current life forms could be annihilated or at least committed to extinction by the end of this century. ** {{w|William J. Ripple}} et al, "{{w|World Scientists' Warning to Humanity}}: A Second Notice," ''{{w|BioScience}}'', 2017. ==S== * Since after extinction no one will be present to take responsibility, we have to take full responsibility now. ** [[w:Jonathan Schell|Jonathan Schell]], ''The Fate of the Earth,'' 1982, <small>{{ISBN|0-39452-559-0}}</small> ==W== * This did not happen yesterday because we suddenly became aware of the dangers of global warming. It began 50,000 years ago when a relatively hairless primate stumbled out of equatorial Africa and began wiping out the megafauna of the time. Wherever this creature (our ancestor) went, their arrival was followed by large die-outs of megafauna. Primitive hominids were well-organized, efficient, slaughter crews. As they advanced, the mammoth, sabre-toothed cats, cave bears, giant sloths, camels, horses, and wholly rhinos fell to their stone weapons and deliberately set fires. The extinction of all of these great mega-species is directly attributable to "primitive" human hunters. The hunting down of the mega-fauna was followed by the advent of agriculture and the domestication of selected animals. Domesticated cows, goats, sheep, and pigs grew in numbers and denuded large areas of grasslands. Irrigation systems began to toxify land. Then agriculture was followed by industrial activities, and finally, by the burning off of vast amounts of fossil fuels. ** [[Paul Watson]], ''[https://web.archive.org/web/20070509003646/https://seashepherd.org/editorials/editorial_070504_1.html The Beginning of the End for Life as We Know it on Planet Earth? There is a Biocentric Solution.]'' Commentary by Paul Watson, Founder and President of {{w|Sea Shepherd Conservation Society}} ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{wiktionary|extinction}} *[https://theconversation.com/what-is-a-mass-extinction-and-are-we-in-one-now-122535 What is a ‘mass extinction’ and are we in one now?] ''{{w|:The Conversation (website)|The Conversation}}'', November 12, 2019. [[Category:Themes]] [[Category:Ecology]] d3np0dfn7ivl33yryomoej8ddp90lha 0 12422 3152932 3149355 2022-08-09T14:57:03Z Kaltenmeyer 359014 typo wikitext text/x-wiki '''''[[w:Home Movies (TV series)|Home Movies]]''''' (1999–2004) is a dialogue-driven animated series about 8-year-old [[w:Brendon Small|Brendon Small]] (voiced by the creator, head writer, and lead musician of ''Home Movies'', Brendon Small), who makes films with his friends, [[w:Melissa Robbins|Melissa Robbins]] and [[w:Jason Penopolis|Jason Penopolis]], in his spare time. He lives with his divorced mother, [[w:Paula Small|Paula]], and his adopted baby sister, Josie. He is also friends with his alcoholic, short-tempered soccer coach, [[w:John McGuirk|John McGuirk]]. __TOC__ == Season 1 == === ''Get Away From My Mom'' [1.01] === :'''Coach McGuirk''': I've got trademark products all over my body because I was drunk one night. Don't live like me. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Coach McGuirk''': You know, I mean, uh, kids don't want to do anything. You know, in my experience, Paula? Kids are always like "I don't wanna do that!" I consider my job to kinda twist them in the direction of doing stuff. I mean that's what coaching's all about. That's why I love it. Every day I go out there and I twist the kids into doing something they don't wanna do! === ''I Don't Do Well In Parent-Teacher Conferences'' [1.02] === :'''Coach McGuirk''': You know Lynch, uh, it's funny when I talk to you, I get a little uncomfortable because I feel like you're being condescending to me, and I hope that's not the case, because if it is, I'm gonna kick your ass, and if it isn't, let's clear it up right now. So, you can tell me whether you're being condescending to me whenever we speak, and if you say yes, I'm gonna beat you up right here in the faculty lounge, and if you say no then I'm going to, uh, say, "Fine." Alright? You being condescending right now?<br> :'''Mr. Lynch''': Hmm. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jason''': Excuse me, monster coming through. Coming through, how you doin'?<br> :'''Melissa''': Aim for his heart. Aim for his heart!<br> :'''Brendon''': Fire!<br> :'''Jason''': Ahhh!<br> :'''Melissa''': Direct Hit.<br> :'''Jason''': Ahh! Maybe you should look at yourself before you take it out on me. I'm just one monster and when I'm gone! You'll remember me! Ooow! Oww! And then you'll have to at yourselves. And own up to what you've done. For isn't every man a monster!<br> :'''Brendon''': I guess he's right! I guess we're all!<br> :'''Jason''': Your're damn right I'm right!<br> :'''Brendon''': Yea Yeah I know!<br> :'''Jason''': Stop shooting!<br> :'''Brendon''': Ok! Hey guys!<br> :'''Jason''': Don't you realize that if you stop now I might be able to get surgery!<br> :'''Brendon''': Uhh yeah I'm going to tell them hold on.<br> :'''Jason''': Tell the guy that's shooting to stop shooting!<br> :'''Brendon''': Who's shooting!?!<br> :'''Jason''': Oh for god's sakes, tell 'em to stop!<br> :'''Brendon''': I'm trying!<br> :'''Jason''': I mean hello!<br> :'''Brendon''': I know!<br> :'''Jason''': Do you have any control of your people!?!?!<br> :'''Brendon''': I..I Who's shooting?!? Please stop!<br> :'''Jason''': Ah forget it, leave him alone. I'll just die! === ''The Art Of The Sucker Punch'' [1.03] === :'''Brendon''': I'd like to make an appointment, with you if you're free, on Wednesday. :'''Shannon''': About what time? :'''Brendon''': I'm thinking maybe 3:30. Alright keep that open. :'''Shannon''': What's this about? :'''Brendon''': I'm going to pound the crap out of you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jason''': What happens after you punch his butt a second time? :'''Brendon''': I'm gonna probably kick him. :'''Jason''': Kick him! Where you gonna kick him? :'''Brendon''': I'm gonna go for the butt again. :'''Jason''': Okay. Let's get away from the butt. === ''Brendon Gets Rabies'' [1.04] === === ''Yoko'' [1.05] === :'''Brendon''': So I just feel like I'm in the way... of Mitch & Lonny. :'''Paula''': Brendon. :'''Brendon''': Yeah? :'''Paula''': You're 8 years old. You need to remember to bring your homework folder to school everyday. You need to remember to wash your hands before you eat your breakfast, lunch, dinner & snack. And you need to worry about all this... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Melissa''': Do you want to hear about how great they are together? :'''Brendon''': I WANT TO KNOW WHY THEY PICKED ME TO PLay this trick on, this joke. :'''Melissa''': It wasn't a joke. :'''Brendon''': I got played by both of them and you know what sister? DONT PLAY ME! Dont play Brendon Small because he dont like that stuff. :'''Melissa''': You were playing the game of love and when you play the game of love someone always get's hurt. :'''Brendon''': I'm turning my chips in, you know why? :'''Melissa''': Because you lost? :'''Brendon''': NO I QUIT! :'''Melissa''': You forfeit? :'''Brendon''': I fold! I know what my cards are and you know something? I DONT HAVE A GOOD HAND! === ''Director's Cut'' [1.06] === :'''Jason''' [As Louis Braille]: I'm going to get a house with a nice view of the ocean.<br> :'''Brendon''' [As Louis Pasteur]: But you're blind.<br> :'''Jason:''' Well, my entire family isn't blind. Did you ever think of that?<br> :'''Brendon:''' Sorry, I don't know what I was thinking. <hr width="50%"> :'''Brendon''' [As Louis Pasteur]: We are two great men from France, both named Louis! === ''It Was Supposed to be Funny'' [1.07] === :'''McGuirk''':Then there’s nice funny--like maybe a little light sarcasm or a clever twist or a knock-knock joke. I like those. You like those?<br> :'''Brendon''': Um…<br> :'''McGuirk''': Knock-knock.<br> :'''Brendon''': Huh.<br> :'''McGuirk''': Brendon. Knock-knock. I’m doing a knock-knock joke. Knock-knock.<br> :'''Brendon''': Uh, hello.<br> :'''McGuirk''': what do you mean, ''hello''? You say ''who’s there?'' Brendon. Do you knock a knock-knock joke?<br> :'''Brendon''': Yeah, uh…<br> :'''McGuirk''': I say ''knock-knock'' you say ''who’s there?''<br> :'''Brendon''': Yeah, right. I’m not a big fan of…<br> :'''McGuirk''': You know what? Do it. Knock-knock.<br> :'''Brendon''': Who’s there?<br> :'''McGuirk''': No, wait a minute, you say ''knock-knock''.<br> :'''Brendon''': I don’t…knock-knock.<br> :'''McGuirk''': Who’s there?<br> :'''Brendon''': I don’t know.<br> :'''McGuirk''': ''I don’t know'' who?<br> :'''Brendon''': I don’t know, I hate this joke.<br> :'''McGuirk''': That’s not funny. It’s got to be a pun or something. You know what? Forget it. Where was I? Oh, yeah, ''nice'' funny.<br> <hr width="50%"/> :'''McGuirk''': Hey, ladies, uh, my name is John McGuirk. I, uh, am a professional soccer coach at the elementary school level and I own a nice car though I do not currently have legal access to it. Um, as you can see, I used to be in good shape and, uh, in the last two years I’ve successfully completed four out of five rehab programs. The kind of woman I’m interested in is the one, I guess, who’s still watching this video.<br> :'''Brendon''': Cut. I’m going to stop you right there.<br> :'''McGuirk''': What’s? That was, uh, that was not good or…<br> :'''Brendon''': We got it. We got this.<br> :'''Erik''': I think you nailed it.<br> === ''Method Of Acting'' [1.08] === === ''Life Through A Fish Eye Lens'' [1.09] === :'''Brendon:''' You ever heard the phrase "Slipped him a Mickey"? As in: Somebody just slipped that guy a mickey, and now everything looks weird to him. === ''School Nurse'' [1.10] === :'''Jason''': Nurse, beautiful swan. === ''Mortgages And Marbles'' [1.11] === :'''Paula''': Oh, oh, is she okay? What is that strange wheezing noise?<br /> :'''Doctor''': Oh, uh, that's called mouth-breathing. Most children do it, and will continue to do so for the rest of their lives. === ''Law & Boarders'' [1.12] === :'''Judge:''' So you were riding your bike on the wrong side of the street. What were you thinking, Brendon?<br> :'''Brendon:''' Nothing. Oh, wait, I was trying to remember the name of the guy who played Tron, in ''Tron''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As part of his court-ordered video essay, Brendon films Melissa and Jason in a dramatic re-enactment of the accident. Melissa and Jason are in a cardboard box car]''<br> :'''Melissa:''' I love this new car.<br> :'''Jason:''' Me too. Do you know what else I love? You.<br> :'''Melissa:''' Yeah... We should run over some children.<br> :'''Jason:''' Yes! Let's go kill children.<br> :'''Melissa:''' Yeah! Look! There's one riding towards us now.<br> :'''Jason:''' Well put your seat-belt on. Let's see what this baby can do!<br> :''[After running Brendon over with the cardboard-box-car, Melissa and Jason stand over him]''<br> :'''Melissa:''' Is he still alive?<br> :'''Jason:''' Yeah. Hey, go in the trunk, Hotstuff, and go get daddy the bat.<br> :'''Melissa:''' Sure thing!<br> :'''Jason:''' We'll finish him off. === ''Brendon's Choice'' [1.13] === :'''Melissa Robbins:''' You had an affair? And now she's trying to kill us? How could you? :'''Brendon:''' I'm sorry. :'''Melissa Robbins:''' Who is she? :'''Brendon:''' Just some woman. :'''Melissa Robbins:''' Is it because I'm fat? :'''Brendon:''' No... In fact, she's fat too. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Brendon, Melissa and Jason have won a trophy for Best Young Filmmakers of the Year]'' :'''Brendon:''' All right, uh, so I'll keep it for the first day, Melissa, uh, keeps it for the second :day, and Jason will keep it for the third day, and we'll keep doing it like that for... :the rest of our lives. :'''Melissa Robbins:''' Okay. :'''Jason:''' What if, um, one of us gets hit by a car and then it gets mangled? :'''Brendon:''' Then you miss your turn. == Season 2 == === ''Politics'' [2.01] === :'''Shannon''': Why is Brendon resigning? :'''Melissa''': Because he knows it wasn't a fair election, Shannon. You beat up Thurmond and stuffed the ballot boxes and threatened everybody. :'''Shannon''': No, I didn't. :'''Melissa''': You didn't? :'''Shannon''': No. :'''Melissa''': Then what happened to Thurmond Thackeray? :'''Shannon''': I don't know, maybe he fell. He's a stupid, clumsy kid. :'''Brendon''': ''[on stage]]'' And so now I turn the office of the presidency over to the man who should have won. Ladies and gentlemen, Thurmond Thackeray. :''[Thurmond walk onto the stage, trips and falls off the stage.]'' :'''Melissa''': Well, look at that. :'''Jason:''': He's not getting up. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Brendon''': Any questions? Anybody have any requests? :'''Female Student''': Can we get pizza more? :'''Brendon''': "Pizzamore"! I have no idea what that means. Next question! :'''Male Student #2''': Is ketchup a vegetable? :'''Brendon''': Very good question. Ketchup is actually a fruit. It's a magical fruit...from outer space! Next question. :'''Male Student''': You suck! :'''Brendon''': Looks like we have a heckler in the audience! Why don't I take off my head and remove my brain, and we'll start out as equals, huh? Hello? :'''Male Student #3''': Shut up! :'''Brendon''': I don't think that's a question. === ''Identifying a Body'' [2.02] === :'''Coach John McGuirk''': This sausage is probably eighteen years old... This sausage could vote. It could go to war and die for its country. <hr width="50%"/> :Coach John McGuirk: He left me a frozen sausage that's what you're telling me...oh my life. === ''Hiatus'' [2.03] === === ''Business & Pleasure'' [2.04] === === ''The Party'' [2.05] === :'''Melissa''': Jason, what are you getting Fenton for his birthday?<br> :'''Brendon''': Oh, right, Fenton's party.<br> :'''Jason''': Um...I got him an eraser. It's looks like, um, a little football.<br> :'''Brendon''': It sounds great. <br> :'''Jason''': It has a dual function.<br> :'''Melissa''': What does it do other than erase?<br> :'''Jason''': You can play catch with it.<br> :'''Melissa''': Oh...<br> :'''Brendon''': You can almost do that with anything.<br> :'''Jason''': But it's shaped like a football, Brendon.<br> :'''Brendon''': Melissa, what did you get him.<br> :'''Melissa''': I got him a CD.<br> :'''Jason''': That's stupid.<br> :'''Melissa''': You could also play catch with it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Melissa''': Stop it, Jason. you've had enough. You're embarrassing me.<br> :'''Jason''': ''(mocking)'' Stop it, Jason. you've had enough.<br> :'''Melissa''': You're embarrassing yourself.<br> :'''Jason''': You're embarrassing me. You're embarrassing me.<br> :'''Melissa''': Keep your voice down.<br> :'''Jason''': Keep ''your'' voice down, Melissa.<br> :'''Melissa''': My voice is down.<br> :'''Jason''': Well, mine's down, too, then!<br> :'''Melissa''': Jason, everyone's staring.<br> :'''Jason''': Nobody's staring at me. People are staring at you and your stupid rich-bitch dress.<br> :'''Melissa''': Jason, you've had enough.<br> :'''Jason''': I know when I've had enough, Melissa, all right? And I certainly haven't had enough. The only thing I've had enough of is you.<br> :'''Melissa''': I'm just trying to help you.<br> :'''Jason''': ''(grabs Melissa)'' Oh, my god, help me. Help me, Melissa.<br> :'''Melissa''': ''(hugs Jason)'' I'll help you, Jason.<br> :'''Fenton's Mom''': ''(holding a bowl of gummy bears)'' More candy, kids?<br> :'''Jason''': I gotta go. ''(grabs the bowl of gummy bears) === ''Impressions'' [2.06] === === ''Dad'' [2.07] === :'''Andrew''': Oh, by the way, we're going to meet my girlfriend Linda at the zoo, since you've agreed to go to the zoo. :'''Brendon''': What, is she one of the exhibits? :'''Andrew''': Let me tell you something, she could be. :'''Brendon''': Is she an animal? :'''Andrew''': No, you're not kidding. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Linda''': ''[in her underwear]'' Why didn't you wake me? :'''Andrew''': Uh, Linda, could you get a robe on or something? :'''Brendon''': Good morning to me! :'''Linda''': You were supposed to wake me at 7:45. :'''Andrew''': I did. :'''Linda''': Yeah, well, you didn't do a very good job of it. It's 8:30! :'''Andrew''': I know, but-- :'''Linda''': I've got to be at the cancer institute at 9:00! :'''Andrew''': I'm sorry, I guess you fell back to sleep. :'''Linda''': Oh, so you're only going to wake me once, is that it? I get one shot and that's it. Thanks a lot. Now I gotta rush. Great. I'm going to have a fun day at the cancer institute. === ''Therapy'' [2.08] === :'''Jason''': I hate my acting. It's horrible. :'''Melissa''': You think you're bad. What about me? I couldn't act my way into a paper bag. ''Into''. :'''Brendon''': Are you guys serious? My acting sucks on ice. What was I doing up there? That was not acting, that's for sure. :'''Jason''': Brendon, why don't you put some extra bait on that hook. :'''Melissa''': Yeah, and don't forget your tackle box for your compliment fishing trip. :'''Brendon''': I thought we were all fishing for compliments. That's what we were--oh, forget it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Paula''': But are you learning anything? I mean, psychology can be kind of interesting. :'''Brendon''': Well, I learned that "should" is a word I shouldn't use. :'''Paula''': Why shouldn't you? :'''Brendon''': I don't know. Because it makes the doctor mad. He should lighten up a little. :'''Paula''': Maybe you should lighten up a little. :'''Brendon''': Maybe you should go to therapy with Linda. :'''Paula''': Maybe she should lighten up a little. :'''Brendon''': Maybe everybody should lighten up a little. :'''Paula''': What should we have for dinner? :'''Brendon''': We should have pizza. :'''Paula''': We should have salad, too. :'''Brendon''': You should have salad. :'''Paula''': Maybe Linda should have salad? :'''Brendon''': I feel that it would be in her best interest. :'''Paula''': Should be in her best interest. :'''Brendon''': What do you mean? Whose best interest? :'''Paula''': The salad. :'''Brendon''': The salad is in Linda's best interest? :'''Paula''': No, the pizza's in the salad's best interest...the point is, Brendon, you don't have to go to therapy. But I think a person like you really should. === ''Class Trip'' [2.09] === :'''Clarisse''': My girlfriend and I were born on the same exact day. :'''McGurik''': Well, that's exciting? What day was that, D-Day? :'''Clarisse''': No. You're funny. :'''McGurik''': Yes, I am. :'''Clarisse''': My boyfriend could get really jealous of you. :'''McGurik''': Uh-huh. Look, little mama, let me tell you something, all right? I'm here to do my time, make my money, and that's it. I can't possibly get involved with a coworker. That would be wrong. Plus, how old are you? :'''Clarisse''': 18. :'''McGurik''': I could potentially get involved with a coworker. <hr width="50%"/> :''[In front of a coffee shop]'' :'''Brendon''': This is the perfect place to shoot the final scene. :'''Melissa''': Let's go back to the hotel. :'''Brendon''': No, no, no. It's fine. Plus I have to pee, so... :'''Melissa''': Hold your breath. :'''Jason''': Uh, I think that only works for hiccups. :'''Melissa''': It works for pee, too. === ''History'' [2.10] === :'''Picasso''': Look, we're being watched by Starboy and the Captain of Outer Space. :'''Annie''': Then they must know of our plan. :'''Washington''': Not to worry, my evil ones, we've yet to reveal our biggest secret. Bring in the hostages! :'''William Shakespeare [played by Walter]''': I'm Shakespeare. :'''Oliver Twist [played by Perry]''': And I'm Oliver Twist. :'''The Mermaid Queen [played by Junior]''': And I'm the Mermaid Queen. :'''All''': Help us! :'''Picasso''': Yes, if anything should happen to us while we innocently destroy the human race, the hostages get it! And we start with Shakespeare. :'''Shakespeare''': No! I'm too young, and I'm still writing my masterpiece called ''Katz''. :'''Annie''': And you'll be next, Oliver Twist. :'''Oliver''': Fine with me. :''[Oliver starts laughing, Shakespeare and The Mermaid Queen also starts laughing]'' :'''Annie''': Silence! :'''Washington''': And finally you, the mermaid. :'''The Mermaid Queen''': But I no do nothing wrong and neither do the other four. :'''Oliver''': The other two. :'''Shakespeare''': Three. :'''The Mermaid Queen''': The other... :'''Annie''': Two. :'''The Mermaid Queen''': Two? I'm sorry, I have trouble with the mathematics. Look, I am just saying, please don't kill The Mermaid Queen! :'''Washington''': You interfere and they get it! Understand, Starboy? <hr width="50%"/> :''[After seeing the end of the movie]'' :'''Paula''': Foremothers, huh? :'''Brendon''': Yeah, I wanted to be equal. :'''Paula''': Yeah. :'''Brendon''': Did you enjoy it? :'''Paula''': Mm...yes. It was a little confusing. :'''Brendon''': Well, it's the kind of movie you have to watch a few times to totally get. :'''Paula''': I'm sort of concerned, though, about your brains. :'''Brendon''': What about them? :'''Paula''': I'm concerned that they might have been damaged. :'''Brendon''': Oh, so, you've seen my test. :'''Paula''': I don't think that counted as a test, because in a test, you're supposed to answer the questions. :'''Brendon''': I know. :'''Paula''': You did not answer the questions. :'''Brendon''': I know. :'''Paula''': Though you did diagram the sentences of the questions... :'''Brendon''': Yeah. :'''Paula''': Which you did wrong. :'''Brendon''': Am I in trouble? :'''Paula''': Well, the bad news is you are grounded. :'''Brendon''': What's the good news? :'''Paula''': I'm not letting you use your camera for a week. :'''Brendon''': I think that's still bad news. :'''Paula''': Trust me. That is good news. === ''Writer's Block'' [2.11] === :'''McGuirk''': DVD PLAYER!!!! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Walter and Perry''': we hate fenton, we hate fenton. :'''Students''': he was a good test subject...I'll call the cops. === ''Pizza Club'' [2.12] === :'''Andrew''': How's the documentary? <br> :'''Brendon''': Good.<br> :'''Andrew'''How's Cynthia?<br> :'''Brendon''': Hates me.<br> :'''Andrew''': Good, everything seems to be in order then.<br> :'''Brendon''': Actually, the way I had it originally planned is that she would like me instead of hate. I somehow mixed it up.<br> :'''Andrew''' Ah.<br> :'''Brendon''': Yeah.<br> :'''Andrew''': You accidentally made her hate you instead of like you?<br> :'''Brendon''': Yes I must have mixed something up.<br> :'''Andrew''': Hmm, sometimes that happens, a classic problem. Did you uh, try too hard around her?<br> :'''Brendon''': Yes, I tried very hard, I tried very, very hard.<br> :'''Andrew''': It didn’t work? Have you been acting weird around her?<br> :'''Brendon''': Yes!<br> :'''Andrew''': Unnatural? Did you try acting unnaturally?<br> :'''Brendon''': Yes! I rehearsed.<br> :'''Andrew''': Right. Did you blurt stuff out you didn’t mean?<br> :'''Brendon''': Yes! I figured, I’m gonna make myself more memorable.<br> :'''Andrew''': Mmhmm, right. So she’s never seen you relaxed?<br> :'''Brendon''': No, she’s never seen me-No. And she still hates me!<br> :'''Andrew''': Hmm, well have you told her how you feel about her?<br> :'''Brendon''': Hahahahaha, that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.<br> === ''The Wedding'' [2.13] === :'''Andrew''': It looks more like i'm going to my prom than my wedding. <br /> :'''Brendon''': Yeah. So you're thinking the green ones, with the big ties--those are better? <hr width="50%"/> :'''McGuirk''': You wanna know what a real rash is? I'll tell you! You get a rash somewhere on your body. It hurts so bad that YOU GO BLIND. You blow up like a balloon...end up looking like a circus freak. Next thing you know, you're IN THE CIRCUS. Touring, making good money. You know my life. == Season 3 == === ''Shore Leave'' [3.01] === :''[Melissa is in the mall selling items in her Fairy Princess costume.]''<br> :'''McGuirk''': Give me those wings.<br> :'''Melissa''': No, I'll get in trouble. Coach, please.<br> :'''McGuirk''': No. Coach wants to fly away.<br> :'''Melissa''': Coach, are you drunk?<br> :'''McGuirk''': Yeah, that's why I came to the mall. <hr width="50%"/> :''{Melissa, Jason and Brendon are in their movies about two mates and a captain on shore leave, with Melissa as the captian}'' :'''Melissa''': I gots a better idea what we can do! Let's punch out some scumsuckers, and get drunk, and pee out the window! Then seduce women! Lots of women! Arrgh! :'''Jason''': What window? === ''Breaking Up Is Hard To Do'' [3.02] === :'''Paula''': And get my wallet and checkbook, they're in the third drawer--<br /> :'''Brendon''': I know where they are mother!<br /> :'''Paula''': Brendon how do you know where my wallet and checkbook are? <br /> :'''Brendon''': ...what?<br /> :'''Paula''': How do you know where my wallet and checkbook are? <br /> :'''Brendon''': ...Brendon can't come to the uh, hallway, right now...<br /> :'''Paula''': Explanation please!<br /> :'''Brendon''': uhh...you know we really should think about calling the fire department. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Paula''': Well I just off the phone with dad--he's really broken up about this. <br /> :'''Paula's Mother''': Oh please, the only way to break that man's heart would be to whack it with a sledge-hammer... or take away his anti-depressants. Let's get something to eat, I'm starved!<br /> === ''Bad Influences'' [3.03] === :'''Jason:''' Makes me hungry just thinking about all the heat. :'''Brendon:''' MAKES ME HUNGRY HOT! :'''Jason:''' Damn hungry hot. :'''Brendon:''' Damn Chips... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Brendon:''' Jason, I'm going to leave you. :'''Jason:''' No. Brenden, no. :'''Brendon:''' We have to leave each other. :'''Jason:''' No, Brenden, we only have each other. And food. :'''Brendon:''' Jason, we have to leave each other. We can't do this anymore. :'''Jason:''' [sighs] === ''Improving Your Life Through Improv'' [3.04] === === ''Four's Company'' [3.05] === === ''Renaissance'' [3.06] === '''Melissa''': "Jason, aren't you more interested in the history of medieval times? I mean, it really happened."<br /> '''Jason''': "So did the sci-fi stuff." <br /> '''Melissa''': "When, in the future?"<br /> '''Jason''': "No! That's why you don't understand it. It's already happening." === ''My Cheatin' Heart'' [3.07] === :'''Jason:''' Sucks this. Get it? It's backwards for "this sucks." <hr width="50%"/> :'''Melissa:''' Do you think I'm a horrible person? <br> :'''Jason:''' No, I think you're very pretty <br> :'''Melissa:''' I don't mean horrible to look at, I mean horrible because you're my sister's fiance and we just had an affair. <br> :'''Jason:''' Oh, then yeah. <br> === ''Guitarmageddon'' [3.08] === :'''McGuirk''': What the hell is wrong with you people. Are you on drugs?<br> :'''Brendon''': No.<br> :'''Melissa''': No.<br> :'''McGuirk''': With all the nicknames. What are those, drug nicknames?<br> :'''Melissa''': They're band nicknames. === ''Storm Warning'' [3.09] === :'''Perry:''' Sounds trite. :'''Walter:''' Yeah, it sounds like it's been done before. :'''Paula:''' No, I don't think so... :'''Walter''': Lame! :'''Perry:''' Double Lame-o! :'''Walter:''' Yeah! :'''Perry:''' Double Lame-O Donkey D*ck! :'''Walter:''' Sucking on the Witch's T*t! :''(Walter and Perry embrace and fall down, laughing)'' === ''Time To Pay The Price'' [3.10] === :[environmental film] :'''Melissa''': [as a lumberjack] I'm going to chop you down, tree. :'''Brendon''': [as a tree] Well, okay, but, um, don't, um, because what about the environment? :'''Jason''': [as a skunk, moves from behind Brendon] Hello, I'm a skunk. :'''Brendon''': Hello. :'''Melissa''': Hello. :'''Jason''': Hey, um, I mean, don't chop down the forest. :'''Melissa''': Okay, I won't chop down the forest, just this tree. :'''Brendon''': But I'm a tree, and I'm a house for birds and chipmunks and cats and dogs. And I can be useful for people, too. I can be made into wood... :'''Jason''': Oh, man. Chop it down. :'''Melissa''': I'm with you skunk. :'''Brendon''': Hey, you guys suck. :'''Jason''': Lumberjack. :'''Melissa''': Yep? :'''Jason''': Pass me that ax. :''[chops Brendon down with the ax and falls down]'' :'''Brendon''': ''[bleeding maple syrup]'' Aaaah! It hurts! :'''Melissa''': You can't shut this one up. :'''Jason''': Hope you learned your lesson, tree. :'''Jason & Melissa''': It's time to pay the price. <hr width="50%"/> :''[prison film]'' :'''Jason''': Well, we've done a lot of bad things, right, guys? :'''Melissa''': Yes, we have. Yes, we have. :'''Brendon''': And now we're here in jail. :'''Melissa''': Yes, we are. We're here being punished. :'''Jason''': And we hate it. But what can we do? We did wrong. :'''Brendon''': We can't do anything. Justice has been done. It's time to...[mumbling] pop it pop... :'''Melissa''': Yeah. :'''Jason''': You speak the truth, my brother. It is time to... :'''Melissa''': Time for that. :'''Jason''': Yes, time to... :'''Brendon & Melissa''': Pay the... :[all mumbling] :'''Jason''': What time ''is'' it, actually? :'''Brendon''': It's 2:30. :'''Jason''': Yeah, I got to go home. :'''Brendon''': Okay, fade to black. The End. Well, we tried. === ''Broken Dreams'' [3.11] === :'''Brendan''': ''(to Melissa)'' You read a book a month? Man, it would take me like a year to read a book a month. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Coach McGuirk''': ''(to Brendon)'' Quarter for the bus, quarter for the bus. The end. Hey Brendon, the end. === ''Stowaway'' [3.12] === === ''Coffins And Cradles'' [3.13] === :'''Brendon''': I'm leaving. Doctor, I'm sorry you had to see me this way. :'''Linda''': Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out. :'''Brendon''': What? :'''Linda''': You heard me. :'''Brendon''': No, I was outside. What? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Coach McGuirk''': Oh my god it's death! :'''Melissa''': Coach it's me Melissa. :'''Coach McGuirk''': Oh my god it's Melissa! :'''Melissa''': This is my costume. :'''Coach McGuirk''': Hey you know Melissa you shouldn't be walking around the hospital dressed as death. == Season 4 == === ''Everyone's Entitled To My Opinion'' [4.01] === :'''McGuirk''': What else are ya gonna do, Lynch? Are you gonna spank me? Spank me. :'''Lynch''': McGuirk... :'''McGuirk''': ''[pulls down pants]'' Here. Here it is, spank it. === ''Camp'' [4.02] === :'''Brendon''': I can't believe the water is hotter than the air!<br> :'''Jason''': Don't talk Brendon, I'm peeing. <hr width="50%"/> :'''McGuirk''': Alright, look! Here's what i need. Food. Fast food, preferrably. Beer. Light Beer. Preferrably. :'''Brendon''': Alright, Melissa, do you mind fake writing this down? :'''Melissa''': Yeah. :'''Brendon''': OK. Go ahead! :'''McGuirk''': I need a satellite map of this entire area :'''Brendon''': OK. Melissa write it down :'''Melissa''': Got it. :'''McGuirk''': I need some hair dye, a fake moustache, i need gunpowder.. :'''Melissa''': Coach, Would you settle for some marshmellows? :'''McGuirk''': Oh you got marshmellows? :'''Melissa''': We can get you some marshmellows. :'''McGuirk''': Yeah! Ill take 'em. Hey!, lets make smores! You got graham crackers? :'''Melissa''': No. :'''McGuirk''': Sh*t. === ''Bye, Bye Greasy'' [4.03] === :'''Fenton''': He punched me.<br> :'''Mr. Lynch''': Who did?<br> :'''Brendon''': Fenton.<br> :'''Fenton''': Uh, me did. It's a lighting thing. <hr width="50%"/> :'''McGuirk''': Everybody move, I got to back up. ''[he backed up but got bumped by a box]'' Oh, my God. Somebody move that box over there! ''[He backs up again, but got bumped yet again]'' Oh, ''[censor beep]'' it. ''[he backs up again but this time the car hit down the stage]'' :'''Audience''': ''[clapping]'' === ''The Heart Smashers'' [4.04] === :'''Melissa''': Okay good and action!<br> :'''Jason''': Wait. Let me get back in the shot.<br> :'''Melissa''': Sorry about that.<br> :'''Jason''': Okay and action!<br> :'''Melissa''': Wait. Cut, let me get rid of my gum. ''[throws her gum away]'' Action!<br> :'''Fenton''': Hey, I'm thirsty.<br> :'''Melissa''': Cut! Jason, could you get him something?<br> :'''Fenton''': Thank you. Jason.<br> :'''Jason''': No, Melissa you get him something.<br> :'''Melissa''': Jason, I asked you to get him something.<br> :'''Jason''': Well I'm telling you, you get...<br> :'''Fenton''': Someone get me a soda, please.<br> :'''Jason''': Right. Melissa go get him a soda.<br> :'''Melissa''': You get him a soda.<br> :'''Jason''': I'm not gonna.<br> :'''Fenton''': Please! Stop fighting and just get me a soda.<br> :'''Melissa''': You know, lets forget the soda and action!<br> :'''Fenton''': Oh, let's not forget the soda and get it!<br> :'''Melissa''': Get him soda.<br> :'''Jason''': You said action.<br> :'''Fenton''': Listen to my ''[making sounds with his tongue]'' drying mouth. ''[making sounds with his tongue]''<br> :'''Melissa''': (sigh) <hr width="50%"/> :'''Brendon''': Well let's kill Simon and eat him.<br> :'''Jason''': Let's just kill someone.<br> :'''Brendon''': Yeah.<br> :'''Jason''': Yeah, I mean how many times do I have to ''hint''.<br> :'''Brendon''': Okay, well we're all in on this you know that?<br> :'''Jason''': Thank you, I mentioned it like seven times. === ''The Wizard's Baker'' [4.05] === :'''Eugene''': We get trophy if we win race, at spaghetti dinner it is also award ceremony. Ha ha, I will be victorious over you. :'''Junior''': There's something very diabolical and informative about Eugene. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jason''': Naturally, our director is extremely busy. I'm sure- :'''Melissa''': ''[on a telephone]'' I don't think he's coming. :'''Jason''': Scurrying around the city finding new locations. :'''Melissa''': ''[on a telephone]'' He's not coming! :'''Jason''': Melissa, please. :'''Melissa''': ''[hangs up the telephone]'' Our stupid director isn't coming. :'''Jason''': Melissa, you're blowing the deal. :'''Melissa''': Why me? It's stupid Brendon. :'''Jason''': All right, I agree, he's stupid! You know something, this is stupid! ''[knocks a calculator off the table]'' :'''Melissa''': Jason, you're blowing the deal! :'''Jason''': No, I'm not, it's Brendon, Melissa! :'''Melissa''': You're the one who dropped the baby. :'''Jason''': So, it's a fat baby! How was I suppose to hold it? You try picking it up, Melissa! :'''Melissa''': I'm not picking up fat babies, Jason. :'''Jason''': What's the matter, Melissa, chicken to pick up a fat baby?! There it is, pick him up! :'''Melissa''': That's it, I'm leaving! :'''Jason''': Good-bye! ''[Melissa leaves, to investors.]'' I am so sorry for what you just witnessed. But I'd like to talk to you two about back end points. === ''Psycho-Delicate'' [4.06] === === ''Curses'' [4.07] === :'''Coach McGuirk'''- I've got to agree with your mom, Brendon. Cursing is a sign of ignorance. [''to referee''] Oh [''censor beep''], ref! Please! [''to Brendon''] There's no place for cursing in a civilized society. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Coach McGuirk''': It's called creative use of words. It's like poetry. Robert Frost, stopping by the woods on a snowy [''censor beep''] evening. That kind of [''censor beep'']. :'''Brendon''': Yeah, that's good stuff. :'''Coach McGuirk''': But it's ''my'' poetry. It's the everyday-man's poetry. :'''Brendon''': Yeah, yeah. :'''Coach McGuirk''': Alright, 'cause we can't find good metaphors like the woods... or the snow, or the horse or that kind of stuff. [''to referee''] Oh [''censor beep'']-ing [''censor beep''] me, ref! :'''Erik''': Hey guys. :'''Coach McGuirk''': Hey Erik. Want a [''censor beep'']-ing donut? === ''Honkey Magoo'' [4.08] === (Referring to the dog) :'''Jason ''': He's been splattering poop like a monkey's racehorse. <hr width="50%"/> (referring to Taunto) :'''Coach McGuirk''': Next time that thing comes near me, I'm gonna eat it. I'm serious! === ''Those Bitches Tried To Cheat Me'' [4.09] === === ''Cho & The Adventures Of Amy Lee'' [4.10] === :'''Perry''': Chase the butterfly! :'''Walter''': ''Smash'' the butterfly! :'''Melissa''': Brendon, is your grandfather really dying? :'''Brendon''': We're all dying, Melissa. === ''Definite Possible Murder'' [4.11] === :'''Brendan''':Did you just say "weeeow?" <hr width="50%"/> :'''Melissa''': That's insane you don't have any poof. :'''Brendon''': Poof? :'''Melissa''': Proof! === ''Temporary Blindness'' [4.12] === :'''Doctor''': Well what time is there? :'''McGuirk''': What do you mean what time is it there??? What time zone are you in!!! :'''Doctor''': Don't call this number again <hr width="50%"/> (during his eye surgery) :'''McGuirk''':- I smell burning eye. :'''McGuirk''':- I hate ping-pong and too cool. I hate Mr Stingy too I'd like to kill the son of a bitch. === Focus Grill [4.13] === :'''Jason''': So are there any questions or comments?<br> :'''Junior''': Well, that was not so great, but it was better than that fairy princess bull-shit.<br> :'''Melissa''': Hey!<br> :'''Fenton''': Um, that's not a twist, it's just stupid.<br> :'''Jason''': Save it for the comment card Fenton.<br> :'''Fenton''': I'm sorry, but it was bad.<br> :'''Brendon''': Fenton, we know you have opinions, but if you could keep them to yourself that would be great.<br> :'''Fenton''': Well, what's the point of having a screening if we don't keep our opinions to ourselves. You just don't want to hear criticism that it was bad.<br> :'''Walter''': I have an idea! What if in the end me and Perry...<br> :'''Perry''': Uh huh.<br> :'''Walter''': Walk up to the front of the camera...<br> :'''Perry''': I like it, I like it.<br> :'''Walter''': And dance like this.<br> :''[They dance like the peanuts]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fenton''': Don't touch me.<br> :'''Junior''': This guy needs to loosen up, and you know what I think Walter and Perry. MAKEOVER!<br> :'''Walter''': I hear that!<br> :'''Perry''': Me too.<br> :'''Fenton''': Don't touch my hair.<br> :'''Junior''': I've been looking at you this entire focus group Fenton, and I have to give you a facial scrub so bad.<br> :'''Walter''': And your hair needs some gel.<br> :'''Perry''': I want to pluck your eye-brows so bad.<br> :'''Fenton''': I don't even know what you guys are talking about you morons. Clean up your own backyards.<br> :'''Walter and Perry''': Clean up our own backyards?<br> :'''Brendon''': Get out of here! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Brendon (as biker)''': I'm sick of findin' myself on the road. It's been takin' way too long. These hotels are too expensive - and I'm sick o' lookin' at the map and the road at the same time. I'll get killed if I keep doing that.<br> :'''Melissa (as biker)''': I don't wanna find myself either. It's more interesting not knowing where I might be.<br> :'''Jason (as biker)''': Maybe we should build a house together out of our bikes and random trash and live in it together, forever.<br> <hr width="50%"/> :'''Brendon''': This is gonna sound really weird, guys. I don't - honestly - I don't think our movies should be watched.<br> :'''Melissa''': They shouldn't?<br> :'''Brendon''': No.<br> :'''Melissa''': Then why are we making them?<br> :'''Brendon''': I - I have...I have ''no idea'' why we make them. All I know is this: we keep coming here after school every single day... and we just keep ''doing it''. And then, I dunno, its just - and then we just ''do it'' and then I guess it feels like we should just be ''doing it'', I guess! I dunno!<br> :'''Jason''': Sigh, huh. Weird. Weird - we are...god, we're weird.<br> :'''Melissa''': What's wrong with us?<br> :'''Brendon''': I don't know!<br> :'''Jason''': We're weirdos! == Cast == * [[Paula Poundstone]] - Paula Small (1999) * [[w:Brendon Small|Brendon Small]] - Brendon Small, Dwayne, Walter, Ken and Junior Addleburg, various * [[w:H. Jon Benjamin|H. Jon Benjamin]] - Jason Penopolis, Coach John McGuirk, Perry, Various * [[w:Melissa Bardin Galsky|Melissa Bardin Galsky]] - Melissa Robbins, Various * [[w:Janine Ditullio|Janine Ditullio]] - Paula Small (2001-2004) * [[w:Ron Lynch|Ron Lynch]] - Mr. Lynch * [[w:Jonathan Katz|Jonathan Katz]] - Erik Robbins * [[w:Emo Phillips|Emo Phillips]] - Shannon * [[w:Eugene Mirman|Eugene Mirman]] - Eugene * [[w:Louis C.K.|Louis C.K.]] - Andrew Small * [[w:Laura Silverman|Laura Silverman]] - Linda * [[w:Sam Seder|Sam Seder]] - Fenton Mulley == External links== {{wikipedia|Home Movies (TV series)}} * {{imdb title|id=tt0197159|title=Home Movies}} [[Category:1990s American adult animated TV shows]] [[Category:2000s American adult animated TV shows]] [[Category:1990s American sitcoms]] [[Category:2000s American sitcoms]] [[Category:American animated sitcoms]] [[Category:Flash adult animated TV shows]] [[Category:American adult animated comedy TV shows]] [[Category:Elementary school TV shows]] [[Category:Cancelled shows]] [[Category:TV shows revived after cancellation]] [[Category:Adult Swim shows]] [[Category:UPN shows]] [[Category:Television series on DVD]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about children]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about dysfunctional families]] sqqex06n74y8862ih4yeeqkedit58yr 0 14124 3153135 3105181 2022-08-10T03:56:26Z Eaglestorm 16205 +1 over LOQ wikitext text/x-wiki '''''[[w:XXX (2002 film)|xXx]]''''' (pronounced "Triple X") is a [[w:2002 in film|2002 film]] about an extreme sports athlete recruited by the government on a special mission. :''Directed by [[w:Rob Cohen|Rob Cohen]]. Written by [[w:Rich Wilkes|Rich Wilkes]].'' {{center|'''A New Breed Of Secret Agent.'''}} == Xander Cage == * ''[irked at the police chasing him, speaking to camera]'' Yeah, yeah. These monkeys are chasing me because I just took this car. Obviously the car doesn't belong to me, it's not my style. It belongs to Dick, Dick Hodgkiss, the California state senator. You remember Dick, he's the one who tried to ban rap music because he says the lyrics promote violence. It's music, Dick! He's also the guy who wants to pull every video game off every shelf in the country, because he believes that the video games diminish the intelligence of our youth. Come on, Dick. It's the only education we got. Dick, you're a bad man. And you know what we do with bad men, we punish them. Dick, you've just entered ''The Xander Zone''. Okay, I’m coming in hot with a side of bacon. ''[drives off a bridge, jumps out of the car and parachutes to the ground as the car explodes]'' Moral is, '''DON'T BE A DICK, DICK!''' *''[Having blown up Kirill by homing his rocket in on his cigarette]'' I ''told'' him that cigarette would kill him one day! == Dialogue == :'''J.J.''':''[referring to Xander's illegal stunt]'' Look, you need to just lay low for a while. :'''Xander''': I'm untouchable. ''[SWAT team burst in and everyone at the party runs]'' Okay, I’ll turn down the music. ''[SWAT member shoots him with a tranquilizer dart]'' AH! ''[pulls dart from his chest]'' It was only a Corvette...''[collapses]'' <hr width=50%/> :''[Xander has just foiled the supposed "robbery" inside the diner he woke up in. He turns to see Gibbons clapping]'' :'''Gibbons''': Well done Mr. Cage. :'''Xander''': Who the hell are you? :'''Gibbons''': The name's Gibbons. Augustus Gibbons. You seem upset. Is there something wrong? :'''Xander''': What is this place? :'''Gibbons''': Looks like a diner. :'''Xander''': That's clever. You know, you almost had me going for a second? I was a little groggy at first, but then I started noticing things. Like you got a stock broker over here reading the Financial Times on a Sunday morning when the market's closed. Unlikely, but okay, I can go with that. I can even go with the stick-up man packing a cop-issue Beretta. But you want to know where you blew it? With her. ''[points to the waitress behind the counter]'' My aunt was in the restaurant business all her life. There's no way in hell a career waitress comes to work in ''high heels''. She'd have blisters the size of pancakes before lunch. And if ''she'' ain't real, then ''this whole thing'' ain't real. That's how I knew that this ''bozo'' over here ''[points to the bleeding 'stock broker' on the floor]'' wouldn't get a shot off even if we waited until St. Patrick's Day. ''[fires a blank round from the stock broker's shotgun at a wall clock]]'' Because there's nothing but blanks in these guns. Oh, and no offense, but their performances were ''terrible''. :'''Gibbons''': ''[Starts to laugh]'' That's good. That's very good. :'''Xander''': Okay, you're turn, ''pretty boy''. What the hell is all of this? :'''Gibbons''': It was a test, Mr. Cage, that you aced. :'''Agent Polk''': ''[Entering]'' He seems to have an attitude. :'''Xander''': Excuse me? :'''Agent Polk''': ''[To Gibbons]'' Should we throw him back? :'''Gibbons''': Hell no, I ''love'' his attitude! Let's take this to the next level. ''[Starts speaking to the agents in the diner]'' Get on the sat-com! :'''Xander''': What are you talking about, what next level? :'''Gibbons''': I want everyone out in ten minutes! :'''Xander''': ''[Starts walking towards the exit]'' I don't know who you think you're playing with, I don't play this game! :'''Gibbons''': ''[looking at the trucker, who has burns from the coffee]'' Get Mike a doctor. We don't want him looking like me. :'''Xander''': I got a party to go to! :'''Gibbons''': ''[To the waitress, nodding towards Xander]'' Shut him up. :'''Xander''': And don't to forget to pay for my windo- ''[The waitress shoots him with a tranq dart]'' AH! ''[He falls down and pulls the dart from his chest]'' :'''Gibbons''': Why is it always the assholes that pass the test? ''[sees Xander pass out]'' <hr width=50%/> :''[Plane ramp begins to lower]'' :'''Virg''': What the hell is this?! :''[Xander looks bored at the soldiers]'' :'''Virg''': This ain't right! I'm telling you, none of this is right! ''[soldiers wave bye-bye]'' :'''Xander''': '''I LIVE FOR THIS SHIT!''' ''[Xander and the others parachute out of the plane]'' :''[the trio lands in a field]'' :'''Xander''': WHOOO! Not bad! ''[Looks around and watches the plane fly away while smiling]'' Let's do that again. <hr width=50%/> :''[Xander survives the Colombian Army raid on a drug plantation and sees Augustus Gibbons]'' :'''Xander''': Look who it is,Frankenstein. Uncuff me so I can beat the shit out of you. :'''Gibbons''': Relax, X. You just graduated at the top of your class. :'''Xander''': What the hell are you talking about?! You nearly got us killed out there! :'''Agent Polk''': We knew the Colombian Army was moving in. :'''Xander''': Excuse me? :'''Agent Polk''': ''[Looking smug at Xander]'' It was my idea to use you as a decoy. They liked the ide- :''[Xander headbutts Polk. Gibbons knocks him down with a leg sweep.]'' :'''Xander''': You're pretty fast for an old man. :'''Gibbons''': Get up. ''[Xander does so]'' Walk with me. ''[They walk through the camp to a group of agents burning cocaine in a pile]'' You know, I'm the type of guy who believes under the right circumstances a man can change. For example, last night you exhibited courage, leadership, and the willingness to protect a man you hardly knew. :'''Xander''': So give me a medal. :'''Gibbons''': ''[Chuckling]'' I'd rather give you a job! :'''Xander''': Look at me! Do I look like a fan of law enforcement? <hr width=50%/> :'''Gibbons''': I just want you to do is meet some people and find out whatever you can about them. :'''Xander''': What type of people? :'''Gibbons''': Dangerous, dirty, tattooed, uncivilized. Your kind of people. :'''Xander''': Hold up. My kind of people would say. "Kiss my ass, Scarface!" :'''Gibbons''': See, this is usually the point where I'd take out my gun, press it to your temple and ask you very politely to do what I want. But you're not the type who's afraid of death. So I guess this puts us in a quandary, doesn't it? :'''Xander''': So I guess we better call this a day, then? :'''Gibbons''': Not just yet. You ever watch lions at the zoo? You can always tell which ones were captured in the wild by the look in their eyes. The wildcat. See, he remembers running across the plains, the thrill of the hunt. Four hundred pounds of killing fury locked in a box. But after a while their eyes start to glaze over, and you can tell their soul has died. The same thing happens to a man. Leavenworth Federal Penitentiary is no joke. They'll take a wild man like you and throw him in solitary just for the fun of it. No more mountains to board, no more oceans to surf. Just a six by eight cell with no windows, and only a bucket to shit in. But you can avoid all that by doing this one small favor for me. :'''Xander''': You don't have shit on me! :'''Gibbons''': I notice you have three X's tattooed on the back of your neck. I think that's rather appropriate seeing as you're looking at three strikes. Grand theft auto, reckless endangerment, and that little bridge stunt of yours? Makes you a three-time loser. Maybe you should call yourself "Triple X". But if you do want, I'll make all your recent criminal transgressions go away and let you get back to that pathetic excuse of a life. :'''Xander''': You think maybe I should be like you? Get all strut up with stars and stripes? I bet that flag is a real comfort every time you look in the mirror. :'''Gibbons''': A small price I paid for putting foot to ass for my country. So, what's it going to be, Triple X? You want to get on a plane? Or is "Kiss my ass, Scarface" your final answer? <hr width=50%/> :''[NSA agent Toby Lee Shavers shows X his special 44 Magnum revolver]'' :'''Toby Lee Shavers''': Knocked over a few 7-Elevens, have we? :'''Xander Cage''': Nah, I had my leg in a cast for about three months. All I did was play first-person shooter video games. :'''Shavers''': That's a really sad story. <hr width=50%/> :'''Yorgi''': Now that business is over, we party. :'''Kolya''': Bitches, come! <hr width=50%/> :''[Xander prepares to parachute onto Ahab]'' :'''Xander''': I wish I had a camera! :'''Yelena''': What are you talking about? :'''Xander''': Because this is gonna be one hell of a trick! == Taglines == * A New Breed Of Sxxxecret Agent. == Cast == * [[w:Vin Diesel|Vin Diesel]] - Xander Cage * [[w:Asia Argento|Asia Argento]] - Yelena * [[w:Marton Csokas|Marton Csokas]] - Yorgi * [[w:Samuel L. Jackson|Samuel L. Jackson]] - Agent Augustus Gibbons * [[w:Michael Roof|Michael Roof]] - Agent Toby Lee Shavers * [[w:Petr Jákl|Petr Jákl]] - Kolya == External links == {{wikipedia}} [[Category:Action thriller films]] [[Category:American films]] [[Category:Conspiracy films]] [[Category:2002 films]] [[Category:Spy films]] [[Category:Action adventure films]] [[Category:Films set in California]] [[Category:Films set in Austria]] e2t6aty0xspidj8vh3vyx1k5w36zsw4 0 17548 3153059 3047110 2022-08-10T00:22:45Z True to the Music 3122577 /* Fenced In [3.1] */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Kenan & Kel|Kenan & Kel]]''''' is an American [[w:teen|teen]] [[comedy]] [[w:sitcom|sitcom]] created by Kim Bass for [[w:Nickelodeon|Nickelodeon]]. It starred then-''[[w:All That|All That]]'' cast members [[w:Kenan Thompson|Kenan Thompson]] and [[w:Kel Mitchell|Kel Mitchell]]. Sixty-two episodes and a [[w:Two Heads Are Better Than None|made-for-TV movie]] were produced over four seasons. __TOC__ ==Season 1== === ''Pilot'' [1.1] === :'''Chris''': Kenan, this is coming out of your paycheck! Now, clean up these puffs, pronto! ''[to Kel]'' Kel, you're fired! :'''Kel''': I don't work here. :'''Chris''': Well, see to it that you don't. === ''The Tainting Of The Screw'' [1.2] === :'''Kel:''' I... DROPPED THE SCREW.... IN THE TUNA! === ''Doing Things the Hemingway'' [1.3] === :'''Kel''': [as he hangs by a ladder from a helicopter, after his pants and underpants have accidentally been ripped off] It's cold up here! === ''Mental Kel-Epathy'' [1.4] === :'''Kel''': I'm not psychic, I can't predict the future, I'm still confused about the past! === ''Duh Bomb'' [1.5] === :'''Chris''': Hey! Hey! What happened to my store? Why are people waving Orange soda in the air as if they just don't care? :'''Guy with Piercings''': Hey, three bucks to get in, Dude! :'''Chris''': Listen, this MY store! And take those pins out of your head! === ''Mo' Sweater Blues'' [1.6] === :'''Roger''': Kenan... :'''Kenan''': Pop... :'''Roger''': What in the world is going on here? And what is Kyra doing here? :'''Sheryl''': And boy where in the world are your pants? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kenan''': Tell your Grandmama I'm sorry! :''[Kel taps Kenan's shoulder]'' :'''Kenan''': What? :'''Kel''': Her Grandmama's dead! :'''Kenan and Kel''': Oh, man! === ''Diamonds Are for Roger'' [1.7] === :'''Kenan''': Hey, man, what you do? :'''Kel''': I closed the door. :'''Kenan''': WHY?!!! === ''The Cold War'' [1.8] === :'''Roger''': ''[notices a pilot has parachuted out of a plane thanks to Kenan and Kel's Intervention]'' He jumped out? Why? Where'd the plane go? :'''Kenan and Kel''': Nebraska! === ''In the Line of Kenan'' [1.9] === === ''Dial 'O' for Oops'' [1.10] === :'''Kenan''': I'm gonna ask Amy out. That's all there is to it. :'''Kel''': But Kenan, your dad said... :'''Kenan''': Kel! My father's married. He doesn't understand what it means to love a woman. === ''Merry Christmas, Kenan'' [1.11] === === ''Baggin' Saggin' Kel'' [1.12] === :'''Kel''': "Help! Can anybody hear me? I'm trapped down here with a can of tuna fish! Kenan!"<br> :'''Kenan''': "What'cha doing in the bag, Kel?"<br> :'''Chris''': "You're letting us down, Kel. Rigby's is going to lose and it's gonna be all your fault!"<br> :'''Kenan''': "Kel! You're not supposed to put yourself in the bag, kooky!"<br> :'''Kel''': "I think I'm dreaming or something."<br> :'''???''': "Kel! Kel!"<br> :'''Kel''': "Who are you?!"<br> :'''Bottle of Orange Soda''': "I'm Orange Soda! And you'll never drink me again!"<br> :'''Kel''': "AAHH! NO!"<br> :'''Angus''': "Hi Kel, it's Angus. You can't even win this contest in your dreams! *laughs evily* LOSER! LOSER! KEL'S A LOSER!"<br> <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kel''': "I can handle this myself!"<br> :'''Kenan''': "You can't even handle cartoons by yourself!"<br> <hr width="50%"/> :'''Chris''': "Wait a minute! Are you trying to tell me that we beat Angus through trickery and deceit?!"<br> :'''Kenan and Kel''': "Yeah...we're sorry...I guess...I'm terribly sorry..."<br> :'''Chris''': "...I LOVE YOU GUYS!"<br> === ''Safe and Sorry'' [1.13] === :'''Kenan''': Come on, man. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't go check out that safe. :'''Kel''': That safe doesn't belong to us. :'''Kenan''': So? Finders keepers. :'''Kel''': Losers dead! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kenan''': Would you quit blubbering? :'''Kel''': I need to blubber. === ''Twizzles Fizzles'' [1.14] === ==Season 2== === ''Pair-Rental Guidance'' [2.1] === :'''Roger''': [after Kenan's scheme for his fake parents to meet his principal backfires] Who are all of you? :'''William Buckman III''': Er, uh... we're the Rockmores! :'''Sheryl''': *We're* The Rockmores. :'''Principal Dimly''': I'm confused. :'''Kel''' Kimble: I'm outta here. [tries to run but is grabbed by Roger] Uh! :'''Kenan''': [starts to cry] I'm in trouble. [hides behind door] === ''Clowning Around'' [2.2] === :'''Kenan and Kel''': [Both are tied up on the shop floor, crying] We've been robbed by a Clown! === ''The Lottery'' [2.3] === === ''Who Loves Orange Soda?'' [2.4] === :'''Kenan''': [speaking to Kel] Oh, man. Your insides were more orange than a Nickelodeon logo! === ''Haven't Got Time for the Paint'' [2.5] === :'''Kel''': [shows a painting of a beautiful sunset on a beach] Hey, Chris. Check it out. :'''Chris''': Wow! That's terrif. Who's the artist? :'''Kel''': Me. [chuckles] :'''Chris''': You! :'''Kel''': Yeah. I painted it in art class. :'''Chris''': Wow. I'm impressed. I always thought you were talentless. :'''Kel''': Man, thanks! :''[Chris gives Kel a high five]'' === ''A Star is Peeved'' [2.6] === === ''Ditch Day Afternoon'' [2.7] === :'''Kel''': Aww man, I knew we shoulda went to school. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Chris''': What's with all the hullabaloo? :'''Kenan and Kel''': [look at each other, and then raise their arm confused] Hullabaloo? :'''Chris''': You know what I mean. === ''Get the Kel Outta Here'' [2.8] === :'''Kenan''': ''[on Kyra's sculpture]'' What are they teaching you? Nasty freak monsters? :'''Kyra''': This head happens to look exactly like Kel. :'''Kenan''': Like I said, what are they teaching you? Nasty freak monsters? :''[Kenan, Kel, and Sheryl laugh]'' :'''Kel''': [stops laughing] Hey, wait a minute! === ''Foul Bull'' [2.9] === :'''Kenan''': [sees news article on Chicago blaming them for Ron Harper's injury] Oh no! :'''Kel''': Aw man! :'''Kenan''': Kel, look! :'''Kel''': I know, man. the Pope has canceled his trip to Acapulco! === ''The Crush'' [2.10] === :'''Kel''': [to Kenan] When you have kids, can they call me Uncle Kel Kel? "Hey, Uncle Kel Kel! We love you, Uncle Kel Kel! Do that funky dance, Uncle Kel Kel!" === ''Turkey Day'' [2.11] === :'''Kyra''': [Kenan is setting up Thanksgiving dinner] Hey Kenan, what'd you doing? :'''Kenan''': What's it look like I'm doing? I'm setting the table. :'''Kyra''': Yeah, setting it wrong. === ''Bye Bye Kenan: Part 1'' [2.12] === === ''Bye Bye Kenan: Part 2'' [2.13] === ==Season 3== === ''Fenced In'' [3.1] === :'''Chris:''' Kel, could you please toss me the duster? ''[Kel looks around and sees a can of peas, picks it up, shrugs his shoulders and throws it at Chris]'' Ow! Ah! What'd you do that for?! :'''Kel:''' Well you told me to throw a can of peas at you. :'''Chris:''' I asked you to toss me the duster! :'''Kel:''' Oh, I'm sorry. It sounded like you said throw a can of peas at you. :'''Chris:''' Why would I ask you to throw a can of peas at me? :'''Kel:''' I don't know. I thought it seemed kind of strange. :'''Chris:''' ''You'' seem kind of strange! === ''Skunkator vs. Mothman'' [3.2] === :'''Kenan''': [after He and Kel return from the comic book convention, having left Sharla to fend herself] Hey Sharla, I'm ba... What happened? :'''Kel''': Well, Obviously the register broke, the ice machine overflowed and the hot dogs caught on fire. :'''Kenan''': Duh. === ''The Raffle'' [3.3] === :'''Kenan''': ''[after buying an inexpensive television]'' Man! Why'd you have to break the video camera? No, no, better yet, why'd you lose the winnin' raffle ticket? No, no! Why'd you have to break Chris' TV?! :'''Kel''': It was an accident. It was an accident. ''[pulls out a popped balloon]'' I had to get my balloon back. === ''The Chicago Witch Trials'' [3.4] === :'''Becky''': The Salem Witch Trials were held in Salem, Massachusetts in the year 1692. :'''Teacher''': Very good! :'''Becky''': Twenty people were falsely accused of being witches. With little or no evidence they were put to death. :'''Marc''': Well, maybe they were witches. :'''Kenan''': Oh come on! Everybody knows that there's no such thing as witches. :'''Becky''': That's not true. There are witches, there are a *lot* of witches. :'''Teacher''': Well it is true that people actually still practice witchcraft. :'''Becky''': That's right, but that doesn't make them evil monsters. Most of the people who practice witchcraft are normal like you, or you, or me! :'''Kenan''': Ah! Normal people, like you! [his chair breaks] === ''To Catch a Thief'' [3.5] === :'''Kel''': Maybe a ninja stole your watch! He broke into your room all like, "I'm a ninja! I'm a ninja!" === ''Happy B-Day Marc'' [3.6] === === ''I.Q. Can Do Better'' [3.7] === :'''Kel''': My brain is so powerful. I bet I can break this desk with it! [hits head on desk] === ''Attack of the Bug Man'' [3.8] === :'''Kel''': You're out of orange soda. :'''Kenan''': That's impossible, we just put some in the refrigerator. :'''Kel''': Yeah, and you're out of refrigerators too. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Officer McWiggins''': [Seeing Kel passed out on the floor] What's wrong with him? :'''Kenan''': A lot of things. Basically, he just passed out when he found out we were robbed. === ''Surprise, Surprise'' [3.9] === === ''You Dirty Rat'' [3.10] === ==Season 4== === ''Corporate Kenan'' [4.1] === === ''The Honeymoon's Over'' [4.2] === :'''Kel''': ''[after Sheryl kicks him out of the living room]'' Fine! I don't wanna be in your stupid old book club, anyhow! Oh, and by the way; I found ''Petals of Sorrow'' to be amateurish, ''The Exposition'' was tedious, and the characters were one-dimensional! Heard what I said?! One-dimensional! === ''Girl-Watchers'' [4.3] === === ''Car Trouble'' [4.4] === === ''Three Girls, a Guy and a Cineplex'' [4.5] === === ''Natural Born Kenan'' [4.6] === === ''The Graduates'' [4.7] === === ''Aw, Here It Goes To Hollywood: Part 1'' [4.8] === === ''Aw, Here It Goes To Hollywood: Part 2'' [4.9] === === ''Oh, Brother'' [4.10] === :'''Kel''': You just lost a customer bub, I'm never taking any free stuff from this store again! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kenan''': All we have to do is make it seem that Chris' life is interesting. Give me the phone. :'''Kel''': Oh I see where your going with this. When Chris' brother sees him with this phone he will be so impressed! == Ending Random Items Gag == :''At the end of every episode, a discussion following this template takes place:<br>'' :'''Kenan:''' Kel, grab ''(At this point, Kenan lists several items, usually with no logical relation, such as a cow, a sandbag, a television and a pound of butter)'' and meet me at the ''(Kenan names a random location)''. Now come on, ''(some weird nickname e.g. Skippy!)''<br> :'''Kel:''' But where do I find those things? ''(Kel then makes several complaints regarding the items)''. KE-KENAN!! Awww, here it goes! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kenan''': All we need is some raccoon juice. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kenan''': Kel, get a bucket of glue and meet me at the church. Let's go on to the church. :'''Kel''': Kenan! No, no! You're gonna get people all sticky. Kenan, thou shalt not glue! K-Kenan? Aw, here it goes! <hr width="50%"/> *Grab some Peanut Butter and some snow shoes and meet down at the bus stop. <hr width="50%"/> *Get me some bread, some sticks, and some bread sticks. <hr width="50%"/> *A waffle iron, and an octopus, and meet me at the library. <hr width="50%"/> *A jump rope, a walrus and one of those round sticky things and meet me where I'm going. Come on, Stuffy! <hr width="50%"/> *A spicerack, a spice girl and a spicy burrit-tut-o and meet me at the ice rink. Come on, Froggy! <hr width="50%"/> *A pony, a petunia and a big ball of twine and meet me at the dairy farm. <hr width="50%"/> *I'm gonna need you to grab 900 hard boiled eggs, a slingshot, and a chainsaw, and meet me on the roof. Come on, Tiddilywink....child! <hr width="50%"/> *Something, something else, and a third thing, and meet me there. Come on, Nickname! <hr width="50%"/> *Cheddar cheese, swiss cheese and macaroni and cheese and meet me in the audience. <hr width="50%"/> *A tarantula, a drum set and a mannequin and meet me at [[w:Bill Bellamy|Bill's]] house. <hr width="50%"/> *A seal, some Aveel, and Shaquille O'Neal, and meet me down at the Ferris Wheel. To be real! <hr width="50%"/> *A handkerchief, 12 lbs. of ice and a knockwurst and meet me at the blood bank. <hr width="50%"/> *A pound of butter and meet me in Mt. Fuji. Now come on, Hiroshima! <hr width="50%"/> *Some cheerleaders, some cheerleaders, and some cheerleaders, and me at the pool. Come on, Shifty! Cheerleaders and the poo-- never mind. *Kenan! I don't wanna go swimming with any cheerleaders! Wait wait wait wait wait a minute. ''[thinks, smiles]'' Yes, I do. I wanna go swimming with some cheerleaders. Hey, man, don't leave without me! Here I come! AWW! HERE IT GOES! <hr width="50%"/> *Some porridge, a surfboard, and some box springs, and meet me at the secret hideaway. Now come on, Punchy! <hr width="50%"/> *A tortilla, some beans and a pound full of Guacamole, and meet me at Dr. Frank's House of Waffles. That's Dr. Frank's House of Waffles... when you're in the mood for some delicious waffles, just open your mouth and say 'ah'. (takes off jacket revealing a Dr. Frank's House of Waffles logo on his undershirt) <hr width="50%"/> *Dennis Rodman, some gravy, and a dinosaur egg, and meet me at the courthouse. <hr width="50%"/> *A door, a talkin cow, and a throat lozenge and meet me at the frozen yogurt shop. Come on, Fishy! <hr width="50%"/> *Some cottage cheese, an armadillo and a whole mess of sandpaper and meet me at the school library. Come on, plucky! <hr width="50%"/> *A flotation device, a bottle of hot sauce, and a guy named "Mad Dog" and meet me at the volcano. Now come on, Scrubby! <hr width="50%"/> *Grab a cup full of beans, a handful of dirt and and a dog named Blue and meet me down by the old oak tree. Now come on, Sneezy! <hr width="50%"/> *A handful of dirt, two dozen assorted donuts, and a aardvark, and meet me at the gymnasium. Now come on, Twisty! <hr width="50%"/> *A textbook, a campus map and a beekeeper suit and meet me in college. Come on, Billy! <hr width="50%"/> *[[w: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly|Something good, something bad and something ugly]] and meet me at the carrel. Come on, Partner! <hr width="50%"/> *A clown, a flagpole and a submarine and meet me in my room. Come on, Buffalo Bottom! <hr width="50%"/> *Grab some Nail polish, some nail polish remover and uh any third item, and meet me over there. Come on, Velvet. <hr width="50%"/> *A bunch of weird stuff and meet me later so we can get into... some kind of trouble? <hr width="50%"/> *A oyster, a bicycle pump, a white picket fence, a magic flute, one of them little bitty blue things, a pound of butter, a pattymelt, a lawnmower, Bryant Gumbel, and a bunch of assorted cookies and other things we can snack on and meet me at the circus. Come on, Spicy! I'm the man! '''Kel''': Kenan, that's a lot of stuff! How am I supposed to carry all that? I'm the man! Awwww, here it goes!!! ==Cast members and characters== ===Main characters=== :'''Kenan Rockmore - [[w:Kenan Thompson|Kenan Thompson]]''' :'''Kel Kimble - [[w:Kel Mitchell|Kel Mitchell]]''' :'''Kyra Rockmore - [[w:Vanessa Baden|Vanessa Baden]]''' :'''Roger Rockmore - [[w:Ken Foree|Ken Foree]]''' :'''Sheryl Rockmore - [[w:Teal Marchande|Teal Marchande]]''' :'''Chris Potter - [[w:Dan Frischman|Dan Frischman]]''' ===Recurring characters=== :'''Sharla Morrison - [[w:Alexis Fields|Alexis Fields]]''' :'''Marc Cram - [[w:Biagio Messina|Biagio Messina]]''' :'''Mrs. Quagmire - [[w:Doreen Weese|Doreen Weese]]''' :'''Principal Dimly - [[w:Hersha Parady|Hersha Parady]]''' ---- {{Wikipedia}} ==External links== [[Category:Nickelodeon shows]] [[Category:Cancelled shows]] [[Category:Teen sitcoms]] [[Category:American sitcoms]] 59bhntl426ozgddlmn9lg07ong74l4e 0 18406 3153179 3150924 2022-08-10T11:32:08Z 2600:1702:3460:3310:9548:B261:14C0:1015 /* Chucky Choo [3.9] */ wikitext text/x-wiki '''''[[w:Xiaolin Showdown|Xiaolin Showdown]]''''' (2003-2006) is an animated television show about a group of four young Xiaolin monks: [[w:List_of_Xiaolin_Showdown_characters#Omi|Omi]], [[w:Kimiko_Tohomiko|Kimiko]], [[w:Raimundo_Pedrosa|Raimundo]] and [[w:Clay Bailey|Clay]] whose task is to collect powerful items known as [[w:Shen Gong Wu|Shen Gong Wu]] while battling the evil [[w:Jack Spicer (Xiaolin Showdown)|Jack Spicer]] and the ancient Heylin witch Wuya, who are also after the artifacts. == Season 1 (2003-2004) == === The Journey of a Thousand Miles [1.1] === :'''Narrator''': Thousands of years ago, a furious battle was waged between the great and noble Xiaolin Dragon Dashi and the evil Heylin witch Wuya. This was the first Xiaolin Showdown. Wuya pitted her dark magic against Dashi and his mystical power objects, the Shen Gong Wu. In the end, Dashi triumphed, and Wuya was forever imprisoned in a simple wooden puzzle box. The threat averted, Dashi spread his Shen Gong Wu around the earth. For generations, they have secretly maintained the balance of good and evil. And a long line of Xiaolin Dragons has stood ready to face evil, should that balance ever shift. <hr width=50%/> :''[at the Xiaolin Temple, must deal with the new recruits, Raimundo Pedrosa, Kimiko Tohomiko, and Clay Bailey]'' :'''Master Fung''': Omi, I would like you to meet Raimundo. :'''Raimundo''': ‘Sup? :'''Master Fung''': Kimiko. :'''Kimiko''': He said that? ''[gasped]'' Hey. No way! :'''Master Fung''': And Clay. :'''Clay:''' Howdy. :'''Omi''': Master, where are the new students? :'''Master Fung''': Right in front of you, Omi. :'''Omi''': They are not what I expected. :'''Master Fung''': The best things in life rarely are. :'''Omi''': You are right, master. Welcome, my new and strangely-attired friends. :'''Master Fung''': I must be going, young ones. I can see there is much teaching to be done here. :'''Omi''': Yes, master. Much teaching indeed. <hr width=50%/> :'''Omi''': What is that? Is it magic? :'''Kimiko''': It's a PDA. I'm sending a message to a friend in Tokyo. :'''Omi''': A ''secret'' message? :'''Kimiko''': Nah. I'm just telling her I met a very strange kid who apparently doesn't know about personal space issues. :'''Omi''': Really? Who? ''[Points at Clay]'' Is it that guy? :'''Clay''': Not me, partner. :'''Raimundo''': It's you, chrome dome. <hr width=50%/> :''[Meanwhile, meet the evil boy genius, Jack Spicer]'' :'''Jack''': I want to rule the whole world! All of it! Not some of it. Not just [[w:Iceland|Iceland]] or [[w:Fiji|Fiji]]. I wanna rule the whole world! :'''Jack-bot''': Pardon me, sir. :'''Jack''': What? Can’t you see I’m on an evil rant here? :'''Jack-bot''': Yes, sir, but your father sent you a gift from [[w:Hong Kong|Hong Kong]]. :'''Jack''': Oh, a puzzle box. Oh, let’s see. And my prize is...a mask? Lame. All right, back to world conquest. My favorite pastime. Now, let’s see. Europe might not be a bad place to start. Or is that too obvious? Could go in for the unexpected, like [[w:Paraguay|Paraguay]]. But is that enough of an attention grabber? Could go down through [[w:Africa|Africa]], over to [[w:South America|South America]] and... :'''Wuya''': Onward to [[w:Asia|Asia]]. :'''Jack''': ''[screamed in shock]'' Spooky ghost lady! Attack! :'''Wuya''': Plans for world conquest? My dear boy, we have much in common. What’s your name? :'''Jack''': Jack Spicer. Who are you? What are you? :'''Wuya''': Me? I’m your new best friend. <hr width=50%/> :'''Raimundo''': Right. Like we're gonna take directions from a gecko. :'''Dojo''': Gecko!? Don't ever call me gecko! :'''Raimundo''': Eh, my mistakes. <hr width=50%/> :'''Dojo''': Wuya! Wow, the years have not been kind to you. <hr width=50%/> :'''Master Fung''': It is your most solemn duty as Xiaolin Warriors to find all the Shen Gong Wu before Wuya does. :'''Raimundo''': ''[raises hand]'' I have a question. :'''Master Fung''': Yes, Raimundo? :'''Raimundo''': I saw my room, and no bed. Just a mat. What the dealy? ''[Everyone stares at him]'' Um, we can talk later... <hr width=50%/> :'''Dojo''': Can't believe I went from Temple Guardian to babysitter in less than a day! <hr width=50%/> :'''Omi''': And so our grand quest begins. Follow me, TO VICTORY! ''[From off-screen]'' I have no idea where I'm going. <hr width=50%/> :''[Raimundo turns off the game Omi is playing and Omi starts crying]'' :'''Omi''': YAAH! MY LITTLE FRIEND HAS BEEN TAKEN BY THE DARK FORCES OF ''EVIL!'' ''[to the game]'' Po-chi are you in there?!Can you hear the sound of my voice?! :''[Raimundo laughs and Kimiko punches him]'' :'''Kimiko''': Don't mess with the monk! :'''Raimundo''': ''[Grimacing]'' Girl, you hit hard! <hr width=50%/> :'''Raimundo''': It’s a what now? :'''Dojo''': A Xiaolin Showdown. It’s what happens when two warriors reach a stalemate over a Shen Gong Wu. Two words: Freak-y. :'''Omi''': Jack Spicer, I challenge you to a Xiaolin Showdown! I wager my Two-Ton Tunic against your Mantis Flip Coin. Whoever reaches the last stone first wins the Eye of Dashi. And the other Shen Gong Wu as well. :'''Wuya''': Accept the challenge. Accept it! :'''Jack''': I accept your challenge, Omi. :'''Omi''': Let’s go! Xiaolin Showdown! <hr width=50%/> :'''Dojo''': That’s a Xiaolin Showdown for ya. Always keeps you guessing. Gong Yi Tanpai! That means “go”. <hr width=50%/> :'''Master Fung''': You have all done exceptionally well. Wouldn’t you agree, Dojo? :'''Dojo''': Not bad, for amateurs. :'''Master Fung''': The journey of a thousand miles begins with but a single step. :'''Dojo''': Where do you get this stuff? :'''Master Fung''': I have a desk calendar. :'''Omi''': Master Fung, there are so many Shen Gong Wu left to be found. :'''Master Fung''': Your new friends will help. :'''Omi''': Oh, yes, master. I have already taught much to Kimiko, Raimundo, and Clay. :'''Master Fung''': But, Omi, they are here to teach you. :'''Omi''': But I am the chosen one. :'''Master Fung''': You aren’t the only chosen one, Omi. Someday your new friends may become Dragons, as well. Kimiko, the Dragon of Fire. Clay, the Dragon of Earth. And Raimundo, the Dragon of the Wind. :'''Omi''': Is this true, master? :'''Master Fung''': Yes, but I didn’t want to tell you until you were ready. :''[Omi groans]'' :'''Clay''': I don’t think he was ready. === Like a Rock! [1.2] === :'''Omi''': I foolishly and shamefully lost a quarter second on the sandbags. As you might say, I smell bad. :'''Raimundo''': I stink, not I smell bad. :'''Omi''': I stink? :'''Raimundo''': Yeah, and you smell bad, too. ''[laughs]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Clay''': Hmm, seems like the feller don't mean any harm. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dojo''': Ooh, that Fist of Tebigong must be close, 'cause I'm getting a wicked case of Shen Gong Wu rash! Yeah, it kinda itches here, but it's more burny down there, and behind the my tail I've got this unsightly cracking. I mean it, it's ooh. :'''Kimiko''': I meant with the location of the Shen Gong Wu! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jack Spicer''': First order of business when I rule the world: vaporize all mimes. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Raimundo''': There has gotta be some way outta here. Okay. Those walls are solid. :'''Kimiko''': Let me try. ''[she throws Raimundo on a mime wall]'' You're right. Those walls are solid. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Raimundo''': Well, this is nice, eh? The three of us friends having a few laughs together. But where’s our fourth friend, Mr. Clay? Oh, that’s right. <big><big>'''''HE'S LOSING THE FIST OF TEBIGONG TO JACK SPICER! DID YOU GUYS FORGET THAT?!'''''</big></big> <hr width="50%"/> :'''Raimundo''': So, Clay? Can I give the Eye of Dashi a try? :'''Clay''': Sure thing, Raimundo. :'''Omi''': What? Why? I should try it before you. I found it. :'''Raimundo''': Your snooze, your lose! :'''Omi''': Then perhaps, I'll try the Fist of Tebigong on your head! :'''Kimiko''': Guys, knock it off! Or I'll Third Arm Sash your mouths shut! === Tangled Web [1.3] === :'''Omi''': Yuck! This candy tastes most unpleasant! :'''Raimundo''': That 'cause it's lipstick. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dojo''': ''[shivering]'' This water's cold. I'm tellin' ya, I don't know how my cousin, Nessie, stands living here! 'Course, if you ask me, she likes all the attention! "Hey, look! It's the Loch Ness Monster!" :'''Scottish Man''': ''[offscreen]'' Hey, look! It's the Loch Ness Monster! :'''Dojo''': See? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Omi''': ''[reading the "Ancient Guide to Females"]'' Oh yes! Females are easily frightened! :'''Kimiko''': ''[obviously irked]'' You're lucky you're cute, Omi. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Omi''': I am very surprised Kimiko can lift such a heavy pot with her delicate female arms. :'''Kimiko''': ''[angry]'' '''WHAT!?!?''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Omi''': The Golden Tiger Claws are inside that palace? :'''Dojo''': That's what this rash is telling me. Ohhh. Wonder if there's an ointment for this? Ahhhh-hhhh! :'''Raimundo''': How do we get in there? :'''Clay''': Maybe if we knock on the door and ask real nice like? :'''Dojo''': That's the Emperor Palace. They don't just let anybody in there. We need connections! :'''Kimiko''': Oh, no worries. I'll call my dad. === Katnappe! [1.4] === :'''Jack Spicer''': Stay out of this Ashley. :'''Katnappé''': My evil name's Katnappe, doofus. :'''Jack Spicer''': Who you calling' doofus, Kitty Litter? :'''Katnappé''': Who you calling' Kitty Litter, Robo-freak? :'''Wuya''': Enough! Cease your bickering. <hr width="50%"/> : '''Dojo''': ''[after Omi's defeat]'' What happened? I blinked and missed it. <hr width="50%"/> : '''Katnappé''': See you, Xiaolin Warriors. I've got more shopping to do. Me-ow! : '''Dojo''': Except for the parts where she slapped us silly and got away, I think that went pretty well. === Shen Yi Bu [1.5] === :'''Jack''': Uh-huh, hmm. So, Mr. Tubbimura, tell us about yourself. Why should Jack Spicer, evil incorporated, hire you? :'''Tubbimura''': ''[Bowing]'' Hai. Well er, I have, as you can see, extensive experience wreaking havoc and destruction. :'''Jack''': Yeah not really looking for H and D. :'''Tubbimura''': Er, I also have solid grasp of mayhem. :'''Wuya''': Mayhem is good. :'''Jack''': There's always a need for mayhem. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tubbimura''': You must choose. Drop the Sword of the Storm or fall. :'''Raimundo''': 'Kay, I choose fall. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Master Fung''': You weren't defeated by your opponent Raimundo. :'''Raimundo''': Oh, no? Would you like to see the impression of his boot on my butt? :'''Master Fung''': ''[Hurriedly]'' Oh, that won't be necessary. You were defeated by your lack of knowledge. Remember, a drop of knowledge is more powerful than a sea of force. :'''Raimundo''': ''[Sighs]'' Can't anyone speak normally around here? :'''Master Fung''': Reflect on these things. As for me, I think I shall try my hand at Goo Zombies 2. === Chameleon [1.6] === :'''Clay''': Face it, Raimundo. He's all over you like stink on a skunk. :'''Raimundo''': Ah-ah! The master isn't through yet. Gotcha, don't I? :'''Omi''': No, the Ace is in your sleeve. I only hesitate because I'm thinking of Kimiko again. Or perhaps I should say, the one who ''calls'' herself Kimiko. :'''Raimundo''': You're tiger instincts are keen, bro. But your theory about Kim is… I don't know, it's-- :'''Clay''': Buggier than a June bug? :'''Raimundo''': Yeah, it's buggier than a June bug. :'''Omi''': No. I am sure of myself on this matter. But if you will not listen, perhaps Master Fung will. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Omi''': ''[points at "Kimiko" taking the Shen Gong Wu to Clay and Raimundo]'' See? You see, you see, you see?! :'''Clay''': I see but…I do not wanna believe. :'''Raimundo''': NIFTY! I should've caught it at NIFTY! :'''Omi''': Imposter, show your true form! :'''Kimiko (Chameleon)''': How about if I show you this instead? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jack Spicer''': Jack Spicer, evil boy genius. ''[starts putting the Shen Gong Wu in his sack while singing a tune]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Clay''': Aw, man! That's the second hat this week. Now I'm mad! ''[starts huffing and puffing angrily]'' === Ring of the Nine Dragons [1.7] === :'''Jack''': Any idea where we're going? :'''Wuya''': No, but I could always glide through the walls, and peek ahead. :'''Jack''': N-not a good idea. :'''Wuya''': Why? You're not afraid of the dark, are you? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Omi''': My viper strike was not very good. :'''Dizzy Omi''': I never made it passed level 1. :'''Fat Omi''': I ate cookie dough all night. ''[burps]'' Oh. May I never be hungry again. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Omi''': Now remember, we must find the.. er... thingie! :'''Omi clones''': ''[scratching heads]'' Oh, yes, we must find, we have to find the thingie! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Master Fung''': I want them spotless, Omi. ''Spotless.'' ''[holds up a brush and gives Omi an angry look]'' :'''Omi''': ''[remorsefully]'' Yes, Master. Spotless. :''[Kimiko, Raimundo, and Clay watch from outside the kitchen]'' :'''Master Fung''': I will inspect your work in one hour. ''[leaves the kitchen, slamming the door shut]'' :'''Kimiko''': Wow, I've never seen Master Fung so upset. :'''Clay''': He looked as mad as a beaver in a petrified forest. :'''Omi''': Master Fung is right to be angry. ''[starts brushing]'' I have acted most shamefully. Because of my disobedience, we still only have one Shen Gong Wu. :'''Raimundo''': Yeah, true. ''[Kimiko angrily nudges him in the arm]'' Ow! What?! I'm just agreeing with what he said. Besides, maybe it's better this way. === Night of the Sapphire Dragon [1.8] === :'''Dojo''': Maybe I can be the dragon of…FIRE! :'''Kimiko''': Sorry, position's filled. :'''Dojo''': Then how 'bout soot? :'''Raimundo''': Soot? Not impressive. :'''Dojo''': And this is comin' from the wind guy? Ooh! How 'bout gas, huh? I eat a few cans o' beans and BAM! I'm in, baby! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Omi''': Ha! Right there! :'''Raimundo''': The Sapphire Dragon. :'''Omi''': The most dangerous Shen Gong Wu. It is only to be used as an absolute last resort. It will turn your enemy into a sapphire statue. :'''Raimundo''': And a guy next door, the old lady down the street, the kids at the playground. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After getting almost blasted by the sapphire dragon]'' :'''Raimundo''': You think he'd be grateful we rescued him from the volcano. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dojo''': Alright then, just remember, you asked for it! ''(panicking whimpering)'' === My Homey Omi [1.9] === :'''Omi:''' Oh, no! My friends are lost in New York City! How will they survive without ME?! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kimiko''': Dojo, anything you can do here? :'''Dojo''': Eh...uh, gee guys. I-I-I'm not big on trains. A-and that third rail really chafes. :'''Kimiko''': Dojo! :'''Dojo''': Okay, okay. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jermaine''': ''[To Jack]'' Are you afraid of getting whooped little boy? <hr width="50%"/> : '''Jack Spicer''': Okay, got the Shen Gong Wu. Now, a little vaporizing of our enemies, and we'll call it a day. === Big as Texas [1.10] === :'''Clay''': Hey, fellas. ''[sees his hat full of milk]'' Huh?! :'''Omi''': Only a 9 1/2 gallons. You get a free hat! :'''Clay''': RAIMUNDO!!! :'''Raimundo''': Think fast! ''[tosses the filled hat of milk at a furious Clay who chases him around the room]'' Hey, what's one hat compared to your best friend Raimundo's life? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Raimundo''': ''[cringing]'' What... did I just land in? :'''Clay''': That would be a cow pie. :'''Raimundo''': No! I know pies! Pies have cherry, or apple, or rhubarb! THIS IS NO PIE! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Daddy Bailey''': Clay, I reckon you've been a man longer than I realized :'''Jack''': ''[To Wuya]'' How come we don't have a relationship like that? :'''Wuya''': I'm not your mommy! Now pick up your toys Jackie, and let's go home. === Royal Rumble [1.11] === :'''Kimiko:''' Omi, please tell Clay that he's blocking my light. :'''Omi:''' Clay, I have a message from-- :'''Clay:''' Omi, tell Kimiko that I'll cast my shadow wherever I darn well please. :'''Omi:''' Kimiko, Clay responds-- :'''Kimiko:''' Tell Clay that maybe his shadow wasn't so fat and huge. :'''Omi:''' Clay, Kim-- :'''Raimundo:''' ''[fully annoyed]'' Omi, tell Kimiko ''and'' Clay that they're both ''[head enlarges]'' GIVING ME A HEADACHE! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Omi:''' My friends! Hearing the sound of your voices again will give me tremendous pleasure. :'''Kimiko:''' Omi! :'''Clay:''' Run! :'''Raimundo:''' It's a trap! :'''Omi:''' That did not give me as much pleasure as I had hoped. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jack:''' You know this trap would never have worked if I hadn't lost my Xiaolin Showdown in the first place. Wait, that didn't come out right. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Omi:''' Sun Chi Lantern! ''[absorbs his friends' chi energies]'' :'''Wuya:''' Stop him! He's merging his chi energy with the others! :'''Kimko's voice:''' FIRE! :'''Clay's voice:''' EARTH! :'''Raimundo's voice:''' WIND! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jack:''' Don't make me bust you up, little man. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kimiko''': We got the Serpent's Tail, the Orb of Tornami… :'''Clay''': The Longi Kite… :'''Raimundo''': And the Tongue of Saiping, which I do not recommend touching. === Mala Mala Jong [1.12] === :'''Wuya:''' Let me guess…you're downloading more of your vapid hippity-hop music. :'''Jack Spicer:''': ''[imitates buzzer]'' I'm working up a Shen Gong Wu spreadsheet so we can know who has what. Check it. We have the Eye of Dashi, they have the Tongue of Saiping. We have the Third Arm Sash, they've got the Longi Kite. And those really cool Golden Tiger Claws… Omi sent them to the Earth's core, so nobody has them. How do I file that one? :'''Wuya:''' I don't need a scorekeeper! I need someone who will retrieve the Shen Gong Wu and waist time with--wait! I am sensing a new Shen Gong Wu! ''[gasps]'' It is the most important of them all. The Heart of Jong! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jack Spicer:''' Smell ya later, losers! ''[Tries to fly off but has his foot caught in a lasso]'' :'''Clay:''' You'll smell us NOW, ya dirty snake! :'''Kimiko:''' Smell us now? :'''Raimundo:''' Clay's villain taunting needs some serious work. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Omi:''' Oh, yes. Squirrels are most fearsome opponents. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kimiko:''' Now what? we just camp out here and wait? :'''Dojo:''' How 'bout we "sing songs" Or-or tell "ghost stories" Or ah..oh, oh, oh, oh! I know. S'mores! :'''Raimundo:''' Mala Mala Jong could be attacking the temple right now. We should be fighting with Master Fung! :'''Omi:''' Master Fung order us to guard the Shen Gong Wu. :'''Raimundo:''' But... :'''Omi:''' All we can do is formulate a plan to defeat Mala Mala Jong in case... :'''Clay:''' Master Fung fails. === In the Flesh [1.13] === :'''Jack''': Hey you know what they say, finders keepers, losers weepers. :'''Omi''': The only one being a weeping loser is you Jack Spicer! And you Wuya! You shall weep over your loss as well! :'''Jack''': Wow! That is the lamest taunt ever. Stick to the jumping and kicking Omi. :'''Omi''': As you wish! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Raimundo:''' So, that's the way it's gonna be, huh? :'''Kimiko:''' You tell us, Raimundo. :'''Clay:''' You can always drop the Shen Gong Wu and leave. :'''Raimundo:''' Nah, I'm up for a Xiaolin slap down. :'''Omi:''' Raimundo, I am starting to think you are not enacting some sort of ''SECRET ELABORATE PLAN''. :'''Raimundo:''' Nothin' escapes you, Omi. :'''Omi:''' Not even you! :'''Raimundo:''' Wrong. == Season 2 (2004-2005) == === Days Past [2.1] === : '''Dojo:''' Hah! The joke's on you Wuya! You broke the Reversing Mirror. Seven years bad luck! In, your, face! : '''Wuya:''' Actually, since its the Reversing Mirror, its seven years good luck. : '''Dojo:''' Ooh, hadn't thought of that. Crud. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Omi:''' I am most confused. If you were just going to give me the pebble, why make me go through the whole Showdown? :'''Dashi:''' Two reasons. One, it was funny. :'''Dojo:''' True. :'''Dashi''': Two, to teach you something. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Wuya''': Crush them. :'''Dojo''': ''[girly shriek]'' A retreat might be in order, here!! === Citadel of Doom [2.2] === :'''Kimiko''': You...You...'''YOU'''!!... :'''Clay''': Doofus? :'''Kimiko''': ''(to Clay)'' Thank you. ''(to Jack)'' <big><big>'''YOU DOOFUS'''!</big></big> You trapped Omi in the past forever! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Wuya:''' How like Dashi to give you the tool but not the knowledge of how to use it. He always was a fool. A smart dresser, but a fool. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jack Spicer:''' Me? Fighting for good? In a bathrobe? Forget it. Next time we meet, we're enemies again. :''[Is about to fly off when Omi grabs his trenchcoat and gives him sad eyes.]'' :'''Jack Spicer:''' But maybe some time, if we're not fighting over Shen Gong Wu, we can all go for ice cream. My treat. :'''Omi:''' Yes that would be most nice. We could get a Monday! :'''Clay:''' Sundae. :'''Omi:''' Even better! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kimiko''': What's the matter, Rai? You look pretty bored for a guy who rules the world. :'''Raimundo''': What are you doing here!? Did you decide to join me? :'''Clay''': Nope. Still rather kiss the backside of a mule. :'''Kimiko''': We escaped, Raimundo. So be cool and let us go. :'''Dojo''': Or be a loser and come after us. :'''Raimundo''': Better run, 'cause I'm coming after you. :'''Kimiko''': Have it your way. :'''Raimundo''': C'mon. We got some former friends to catch. === The Shard of Lightning [2.3] === :'''Wuya:''' You thought I'd stay out of that box forever, didn't you? :'''Omi:''' Yes, I did, Wuya. Well, another 1500 years would have been nice! <hr width="50%"> :'''Master Fung''': As soon as the user brings forth the power of the shard, he can move so fast no one can see him. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Omi''': I would not count your ducks before they emerge from their shells! :'''Raimundo''':...that one wasn't even close. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Omi''': Hello, I'm ready to showdown here. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Katnappe''': Stop copy me! :'''Two Jack''': Stop copy me! :'''Katnappe''': Quit it! :'''Two Jack''': Quit it! :''[Katnappe look at the watch]'' :'''Katnappe''': That's it! === The Crystal Glasses [2.4] === :'''Wuya:''' ''[Talking to Omi]'' Soon you will be my greatest ally! :'''Jack:''' I'll even write your own evil theme music! ''[dramatic music plays]'' Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun! :'''Omi:''' This is NOT right! === Pandatown [2.5] === :'''Jack Spicer''': ''[To Pandabubba]'' All you want is Hong Kong?! Can't I at least get double-crossed by somebody with some vision? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Raimundo''': Come on, guys. You're making this too easy for me. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Raimundo''': Come on, Omi! It’s a classic gong game! :'''Omi''': Okay, I hear your concerns and I will take them under advisement with the apprentice’s. Clay, Kimiko? :'''Clay''': I reckon’ we don't have a better choice. :'''Kimiko''': Let’s give a shot. :'''Raimundo''': What?! You’re believing Jack Spicer over ME?! That’s it! I'm finding my own way in, and anyone who wants can go with me! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Clay''': Two-Ton Tunic! :'''Raimundo:''': Eye of Dashi! :'''Kimiko''': Third-Arm Sash! :'''Omi''': Orb of Tornami! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kimiko''': Come on, Rai. You can still win this. :'''Omi''': Just think: "What would Omi do"? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Wuya''': Forget it, Jack. What happens in Pandatown stays in Pandatown. === Sizing Up Omi [2.6] === :'''Omi''': ''[gets an idea]'' Raimundo, that is the answer! I will grow bigger backwards! :'''Kimiko''': He got me on that one. :'''Omi''': Clay, may I please bore the Reversing Mirror? Raimundo, may I please borrow the Changing Chopsticks? :'''Clay''': Where are you going with this, Omi? :'''Omi''': Changing Chopsticks! Reversing Mirror! ''[grows bigger]'' Now there is nothing I cannot accomplish! Except perhaps explaining to Master Fung about the temple ceiling. <hr width="50%"> :'''Clay''': You OKAY down there, partner? :'''Omi''': Oh, yes! Dojo's earwax is most convenient! But I do wish I had a better view. Ah, that is much better! :'''Dojo''': Better hope I don't sneeze! :'''Omi''': Nooo, you have very clean sinuses! I thank you! === Enter the Dragon [2.7] === :'''Dojo''': Why is everybody looking at me like I'm some sort of freak? I AM NOT A FREAK! :'''Clay''': Relax, Dojo. Nobody is saying anything ''[whispers '''out loud''']''. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Omi:''' Has Dojo ever gotten out of his box? :'''Master Fung''': It's only happened once. It was the last time anyone saw... Atlantis. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Omi''': Why should ''I'' remain behind and Raimundo go? It took him the longest to become an apprentice, and no one thought he would make it! ''[Raimundo clears his throat]'' Uh, I mean, except for me? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dojo''': ''[as Master Fung]'' Omi, it is Master Fung. Dojo is holding me prisoner! :'''Omi''': No. I do not believe you! ''[eats an eggroll]'' :'''Dojo''': ''[as a sad little girl; crying]'' Please let me out. I'm lost! ''[cries]'' :'''Omi''': No! No, I cannot! :'''Dojo''': ''[as a mother version of Omi]'' Omi, this is your mother speaking. You open that door this instant! :'''Omi''': Dojo, you are merely wasting your efforts. Besides, I am an orphan. :'''Dojo''': ''[as Omi]'' Omi, it's Omi. You've got to let me out! :'''Omi''': ''[irritated]'' Oh, this is not getting most ridiculous! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Omi:''' I did not abandon my post! I am still at my post, actually I am inside my post! But that Dojo pulled his sweater over my eyes! :'''Raimundo:''' Alright, that's gotta be Omi. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Master Fung''': Who let Dojo out? :''[Clay, Raimundo and Kimiko take one step to the left from Omi]'' :'''Omi''': ''[ashamed with dismay]'' I am so ashamed. It appears Dojo is one very crafty dragon. :'''Master Fung''': Oh, this is not good. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kimiko''': He does know how to make an entrance. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Master Fung:''' Remember, Omi. The future of the world is in your hands. === The Sands of Time [2.8] === :'''Jack:''' ''[Holding the Sands of Time]'' Looking for this, Xiaolin losers? Too bad! You're out of luck and out of time! Haahaaha! :'''Omi:''' It was up to me to find the Sands of Time and I failed all of you. My friends, Master Fung and the entire universe! I believe that about covers it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jack:''' I guess this would be the part where I let out my new trademark evil laugh. Hahahahahahhahahahah! Muahahahahahaha! ''[This continues for several seconds]'' :'''Omi:''' Not so fast Spicer! He who is last to be laughing laughs most loudly! :'''Raimundo:''' What Omi did to that sentence is what we're going to do to you! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jack:''' ''[holding the Sweet Baby Among Us Wu]'' It's like taking candy from a bunch of babies! :'''Old Jack:''' Eh? Who's got the babies? :'''Jack:''' Hurry up, old timer. We gotta get the Ruby of Ramses before it reveals itself. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jack:''' I've got two words for you. ''GYM MEMBERSHIP!'' === Hear Some Evil, See Some Evil [2.9] === :'''Clay''': ''[Jack is reading Clay's mind]'' That Jack is slower than a three-legged cow in quicksand! :'''Jack''': What!? I'm faster than any three-legged cow! ''[is hit by Omi]'' <hr width="50%/> :''[Megan appears in front of the monks rolling in the Jack's shield]'' :'''Megan''': Hi, I'm Megan. :'''Raimundo''': Oh, there's something you don't see every day. A little girl in a hamster ball. :'''Megan''': Are you looking for Jack Spicer and the ugly old hag? ''[everyone nods and she gets out of the shield]'' My stupid cousin Jack thinks he locked me inside that thing but I found the door. === Dreamscape [2.10] === :'''Jack''': When hunting the elusive wu, you have to move as quiet as a cat. ''[stubs toe]'' OOOOWWWWWWWWW, OOOOHHH THAT HURT!!!! ''[Screams loudly, then covers up mouth]'' :'''Kimiko''': Yawn. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jack''': ''[Flying away]'' Don't worry Xiaolin Losers! I'll thank you in my acceptance speech! Hahahahaha! === Master Monk Guan [2.11] === :'''Chase Young''': It will be up to you Dojo. Your stay here can be a pleasant or an unpleasant experience. :'''Dojo''': ''[Quickly]'' I choose pleasant, how about pleasant, pleasant would be nice. :'''Chase Young''': I thought you might. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dojo''': You know, I can still fit into the same swimming trunks I wore 1500 years ago! :'''Kimiko''': ''[giggles]'' You mean your old toga? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Omi''': Dojo, are you alright? :'''Dojo''': ''[Annoyed]'' I'm sitting in a pot of soup, what do you think?! === The Evil Within [2.12] === :'''Raimundo''': Hey, Omi, everything cool? :'''Omi''': Yes, Raimundo. I believe everything is the correct temperature. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Raimundo''': I can't believe something that small could put up such a big fight! :'''Omi''': ''[grabbing Raimundo's shirt]'' What! I am not that small! :'''Kimiko''': I think he was talking about Sibini. :'''Omi''': Oh, yes! He is very small. === The Deep Freeze [2.13] === :'''Dojo''': Hey, gang, got a live one incoming. It's the Shen Gong Wu called the Lunar Locket. Whoever possesses it, can control the phases of the moon. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jack''': ''[playing with the Lunar Locket Wu]'' Look at me! I'm the ruler of the moon. Watch! Look at it dance. Whoo-hoo! This is so awesome! :'''Wuya''': Stop playing with the moon, Jack. It isn't a toy. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kimiko''': Can't stand the heat? Then get off the mountain, tin man. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Omi''': You made your bed, Spicer. Now you'll have to eat it! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dude-Bot''': Just because we are mortal enemies, does that mean we can't be friends? === Screams of the Siren [2.14] === :'''Jack''': I ask for knife-throwing lessons, mom sends me figure-skating. "You never know when it'll come in handy!" Now I feel kinda a bad for making a robot out of her juicer. :'''Dojo''': That Spicer kid sure has nice form. :'''Clay''': Whoo! Look there, a triple Salchow! ''[The others stare at him]'' What? Cowboys can't like figure-skating? :'''Raimundo''': Come on, Omi. Just because you're built like a hockey puck doesn't mean you have to skate like one! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jack Spicer''': I'm an artiste, I communicate with my feet. :'''Wuya''': If I had feet I'd communicate all over you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Omi''': Oh, now I understand! Dyris wanted to know what Shen Gong Wu can create powerful, underground geysers to melt the ice and flood the world. :'''Klowfange''': Are you sure you're on the side of the good? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kimiko''': Did you get the Black Beetle? :'''Omi''': Does it look like I got the Black Beetle?! :'''Raimundo''': No, it looks like you lost the Gills of Hamachi. <hr width="50%"> :'''Omi''': Where are the Shen Gong Wu?! ''[The Black Beetle Wu appears out of the water]'' The Black Beetle! :''[Omi and Dyris touch the Wu at the same time]'' :'''Dyris''': ''[pops out of the water]'' Back away! It's mine! :'''Omi''': No. It is a Xiaolin Showdown! :'''Dyris''': I'll wager my Fist of Tebigong against your Gills of Hamachi. :'''Omi''': The game is Steal the Wu. Whoever takes the other's Wu first wins. And we play it on dry land! :'''Klowfange''': You fool! You CAN'T let her out of the water! When on dry land, she turns to her true monstrous form! :'''Omi''': How bad can she be? ''[turns around seeing Dyris in her true form]'' Oh. That bad. ''[sighs]'' Let's go! Xiaolin Showdown! === The Black Vipers [2.15] === :'''Clay''': ''[After setting Raimundo on fire]'' I'm sorry, Rai, I couldn't help it. I smell my favourite meal and I- :'''Kimiko''': EVERY meal is your favourite meal, Clay! :'''Raimundo''': I can't believe your first loyalty is to a pork chop! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The group are tied to the ceiling upside down]'' :'''Jessie''': Well it looks like our uninvited guests have decided on an extended stay in the HOSPITALITY suite. :'''Omi''': Why, thank you! That sounds most inviting! Where do we go? :'''Raimundo''': Omi, we're already in the hospitality suite. :'''Omi''': Oh. I see. Perhaps I am misunderstanding the meaning of hospitality. :'''Kimiko''': Or the meaning of sarcasm. :'''Omi''': Oh, darn this sarcasm! It always seems to grab my goat! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jack''': Yes! I get this makes me queen! :''[Everyone in the room looks at him oddly; a girl laughs]'' :'''Jack''': ...King. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Omi''': ''[sighs]'' This is the most disappointing event turning since the last... :'''Raimundo''': Is it possible you're going for TURN OF EVENTS? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Clay and Jessie rush over and touch the bag of Wu at the same time]'' :'''Jessie''': Looks like if you want your rewards, you and me are gonna have a Xiaolin Showdown. :'''Clay''': I accept. Your Silk Spitter against my Changing Chopsticks. :'''Jessie''': The game is Demolition Viper Bike Derby! First to make it out in one piece, wins. :'''Clay''': Let's just get this over with. Let's go. Xiaolin Showdown! === The Emperor Scorpion Strikes Back [2.16] === :''[Jack has copied himself with the Ring of Nine Dragons]'' :'''Old-looking Jack''': Foul! :'''Jack and Fat Jack''': I didn't touch you! :'''Fat Jack''': Did not... ''[they start fighting, old Jack also fights]'' :'''Wuya''': Stop! The Ring of Nine Dragons is for creating evil, not for copying yourself for your own amusement, or picking your teeth! ''[While big headed Jack does so]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kimiko''': Omi, what happened? :'''Omi''': I am afraid, uh… Mala Mala Jong has come to life. :'''Raimundo''': I can't believe we got here too late. :'''Clay''': Oh, man, I feel more embarrassed than a mule at the Kentucky Derby. :''[Back at the Xiaolin Temple…]'' :'''Master Fung''': According to the scroll, the rise of Mala Mala Jong will allow a new Shen Gong Wu to be revealed. It is called the Emperor Scorpion. Whoever possesses it will have control over ''all'' Shen Gong Wu. If we can find it, we can use it to break Mala Mala Jong apart before it turns into the Fearsome Four. :'''Raimundo''': Excellent! Great ending and not too long. Dragged a little in the middle though. :'''Kimiko''': Don't get too excited, Raimundo. Here comes the bad part. :'''Master Fung''': If the Emperor Scorpion falls into the wrong hands, the Fearsome Four will be unstoppable. This will be our ''only'' chance to save the world from certain destruction. :'''Raimundo''': Why does there always have to be a bad part? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jack''': Hello, Xiaolin losers! Ready to admit defeat? :'''Omi''': Never! I will defeat you and the Fearsome Four! :'''Jack''': ''[mimicking Omi]'' "I will defeat you and the Fearsome Four." ''[gets in Omi's face]'' Dude, get over yourself! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kimiko''': I can't believe how badly we messed up. :'''Raimundo''': Now that Spicer is in control of the Fearsome Four there's no stopping him. :'''Clay''': Yeah. It's not everyday a fella is responsible for the end of the world. :'''Omi''': No! Stop! When Mala Mala first came together I could've called for your help. It is my fault. But I...ah choose to do it alone. I may have forgotten to mention that before. :'''Raimundo''': It dosen't matter now...woah! :''[Omi, Raimundo, Kimiko, and Clay are off the ball and they're falling on a ground]'' :'''Master Fung''': Working together is more then just fighting together. It is knowing how to use each other 's strengths wisely. :'''Raimundo''': Hey, could somebody please translate. :'''Clay''': Well, I reckon Master Fung is speaking of our elements. :'''Kimiko''': In other words, we should focus on what we do best. :'''Dojo''': Cheer up, kiddo. You'll get another chance to save the world. <hr width="50%"/> : ''[After falling on ground while trying to stop Star Hanabi]'' :'''Raimundo''': Dojo, dude, how come you didn't just fly? :'''Dojo''': [With Clay's pants on head] Good idea. Just a little late. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jack''': Fearsome Four! I command you to...''[thinks]'' laugh evilly! ''[they laugh]'' Now laugh evilly while... hopping on one leg! ''[they do so]'' :'''Wuya''': Stop playing, Jack! :'''Jack''': In a minute. Now, laugh evilly while TAP DANCING! ''[the Fearsome Four dance and laugh as music plays in the background]'' === The Return of PandaBubba [2.17] === :'''Kimiko''': Omi, look! Over there. It's the Tohomiko Electronics skyscraper! :'''Omi''': Tohomiko? That sounds most familiar to my ears. :'''Kimiko''': Hello? That's my last name. :'''Omi''': Oh? I never thought of you with a last name. :'''Kimiko''': And that's my Papa's building. :'''Clay''': ''[In amazement]'' Your daddy is Toshiro Tohomiko the video game tycoon?! :'''Kimiko''': Yeah, I can't wait to introduce you all to him, he's super cool! :'''Raimundo''': And super rich! ''[His eyes turn into dollar symbols]'' ''(To Kimiko)'' Did I ever tell you that you are my favorite monk? :'''Omi''': ''(gigantic sad face)'' I thought I was your favorite... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Omi''': These workers appear most focused on their work. And their eyes- they have the same 'nobody is home' look as Raimudo when he does his chores :'''Raimundo''': ''[offended]'' Yeah, well... you're short and you have a big head. === The Last Temptation of Raimundo [2.18] === :''[Jack is asleep]'' :'''Wuya''': Jack, fire the laser! Jack! :'''Jack''': ''[He wakes up, screaming]'' Wuya! With you it's hard to tell if I'm coming out of a nightmare or going into one! :'''Wuya''': Just shut up and fire the laser. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kimiko''': Poor Rai. We've got to find him. Just so I can give him a piece of my mind! :'''Master Fung''': We must not be too hard on Raimundo. It is the Shen Gong Wu that is controlling him. :'''Omi''': Yes, but if he had not used the Golden Tiger Claws in the first place, we would not be down the lake with no paddles! :'''Dojo''': Hey, kids! Special news bulletin! I did a little recon over Brazil and it turns out there ''WAS'' a lava flow. If it wasn't for a certain hero we all know, one village would be toast! :'''Kimiko''': So, Raimundo was telling the truth? That's a first. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jack''': Um, once you become Raimundo, are you a he or a she? I just wanna get my pronouns straight! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Wuya''': ''[During a Xiaolin Showdown]'' Shroud of Shadows! :'''Kimiko''': Hey! That's cheating! That wasn't one of the Shen Gong Wu wagered! :'''Wuya''': You're fighting evil. What do you expect? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jack''': Hey, usually I'm the one who messes up a Xiaolin Showdown. Looks like the shoe's on a different foot...if you had a foot. ''[chuckles, Wuya gets angry as she flies through his face, creeping him out]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Omi''': We will always listen to you...no matter how stupid your excuse may be. === The Year of the Green Monkey [2.19] === :'''Monkey''': Mind turning down the volume? Some of us are trying to get a little shuteye. :'''Omi''': ''[Using the Tongue of Saiping]'' In the middle of the day? You are a very lazy animal! :'''Rabbit''': Huh, what a mouth on someone so small. :'''Omi''': I am not small, I am compact! :'''Bird''': Yeah, anymore 'compact' and we'd need a microscope to find you! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Master Fung''': The Fountain of Hui has just revealed itself. When activated, it provides unlimited knowledge. :'''Kimiko''': Sounds like a pretty handy Wu if you're doing a crossword puzzle. :'''Master Fung''': I'm afraid by itself, it can only provide random information. But, when combined its sister Shen Gong Wu the Eagle Scope, the two can be used to unlock the greatest secrets of the universe. :'''Omi''': You mean like why baboons have such colorful buttocks? :'''Master Fung''': Yes, and even greater secrets. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jack Spicer''': Tongue of Saiping! Monkeys, attack! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Omi''': Now I understand! Jack is only a mere puppy! :'''Raimundo''': ...Puppet, I'm guessing. === The Demon Seed [2.20] === :'''Vlad''': I hear Wuya dump you, again. :'''Jack Spicer''': ''[Imitating Vlad]'' "I jear Wuya dump you!" Nobody hears Wuya dump me, because I dump Wuya. :'''Vlad''': That is not what they say on Internet! :'''Jack Spicer''': ''[Excitedly]'' I'm on the Internet? :'''Vlad''': Da, in warrior chat rooms everywhere! You big laughing stock! Now when person loses everything, new hip thing to say is 'Aw, I got Jacked!' ''[Laughs evilly]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kimiko''': It's Spicer, he took the seed! :'''Clay''': And the hotdogs! Come back here with them doggies you no good, low down snake, you yellow bellied, dirty little side winder. I'm gonna get you! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Vlad''': What you know about Heylin Seed? :'''Jack Spicer''': I read something about it in ''Evil Seeds and Gardens''. Why? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Raimundo''': I bet he writes those on the palm of his hand. ''[Kimiko snickers]'' :'''Master Fung''': No Raimundo, I write them inside my eyelids. That is why I blink often ''[Blinks rapidly]'' :'''Dojo''': ''[Pops out of Raimundo's shirt]'' B-U-S-T-E-D. Ooooohhhh! ''[Shudders]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Raimundo''': Whoo! ''C'est la vie'', Salad-Breath! === The New Order [2.21] === :'''Chase Young''': You have learned well, Omi. :'''Omi''': Well, I WAS taught by the best! :'''Chase Young''': Thank you. :'''Omi''': I was speaking of Master Fung!! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jack Spicer''': H-hey, hey! H-how'd you get all the way over here when...I...left you...over there? === The Apprentice [2.22] === :'''Clay''': How do you manage to win every game? :'''Omi:''' That is most simple: I cheat. ''[they all look at him]'' No, no, I am a betrayer when I say I cheat. :'''Raimundo''': How do we know that you're not betraying us now, Omi? :'''Omi''': ''[seriously]'' Because, Raimundo, you are all my friends, and I could never betray my friends. ''[Laughs, knocking his head at the table]'' Ha ha ha, I have mastered deception! Let's play again! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Omi''': I knew you would twice-cross me! So I twice-crossed you first! :'''Raimundo''': That's double-crossed, but I think we get the idea. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Omi''': Oh, thank you, Master Fung. I promise I will not let you up. :'''Master Fung''': Down. :'''Omi''': In every direction. === Something Jermaine [2.23] === :'''Jermaine''': ''[After Jack gets the Manchurian Musca]'' Yo, Omi, you must be trippin'. :'''Omi''': I am not taking a trip! :'''Jermaine''': Your hotdogging cost us a Shen Gong Wu! :'''Omi''': Are you saying it is BECAUSE OF ME?! :'''Jermaine''': I'm saying, some poser may need a refresher course on how to be a Xiaolin warrior. :'''Omi''': A refresher course!? I should be TEACHING the refresher course! :'''Jermaine''': Man, you got an ego bigger than that dome of yours. :'''Omi''': Nothing is bigger than my dome! And I thank you to leave my dome OUT OF IT! :'''Jermaine''': Can you believe this guy man? :'''Dojo''': Hey, there are three things I've learned not to talk about. Religion, politics and Omi's head. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dojo''': No winner!? What a rip-off! You wouldn't see this in the old days! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dojo''': Boys and girls, let me tell you a story about these two dragon buddies. Always seen together, like peas and carrots. :'''Raimundo''': Is this story gonna be long or short? :'''Dojo''': It'll take as long as it takes! :'''Clay''': "Clay and Kimiko" Long story. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Omi''': I order you to spill your internal organs right now!! :'''Jack''': ''[screamed]'' What kind of sick people are you!? :'''Raimundo''': I think he means spill your guts. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jack''': Hey, I want my stuff back. :'''Tubbimura''': No, I will keep everything. :'''Jack''': Think again, bubba. I press enter and doggy breath is a UFM. Unidentified flying Muffinface! :'''Tubbimura''': No! Not my Muffinface! Ok, ok, I will return your stuff. === Dangerous Minds [2.24] === :'''Master Fung''': ''[As the temple collapses]'' Remember, the fate of the world rests with you! :'''Raimundo''': Is it me or does the fate of the world rest with us a lot? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jack''': What do you think the spiders want with us? :'''Raimundo''': Dude, we're in their web. Take a guess. :'''Jack''': ''[Understanding]'' I DON'T WANT A SPIDER TO EAT ME! :'''Clay''': Chill, evil partner! Spiders don't eat people! They desiccate you, suck out all your fluids until nothing is left. ''[Clay dried up and the others staring at him]'' What? Can't a cowboy have a hobby? :'''Jack''': I don't want to be...what he said! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Omi''': Hurry, everyone! Take my hand! :'''Jack''': I have a better idea! I'll take the Golden Tiger Claws! :'''Kimiko''': Jack, you jerk! :'''Jack''': Too late, Xiaolin has-been! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Clay''': Get a move on! They're gaining on us! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dojo''': I tell you. You should a seen me in action. Those spiders will think twice before messing with this dragon, again! Baba bing. ''[chuckles]'' '''AAAAHHHHHH!''' :'''Raimundo''': ''[Laughs]'' Dojo, you should a seen yourself! :'''Kimiko''': Rai, that wasn't very nice. :'''Raimundo''': ''[scoffs]'' How can anyone be so afraid of a spider? :''[A spider sits on Raimundo's shoulder. Raimundo screams, and hides behind baskets. Kimiko & Dojo laugh]'' :'''Dojo''': What a pansy! :'''Omi''': Tongue of Saiping! Thank you for you assistance, my small friend. ''[he gives a high-five on a spider]'' === Judging Omi [2.25] === :'''Dojo''': We got a category 5 Wu alert. The Ying Yo-Yo just revealed itself. :'''Master Fung''': The Ying Yo-Yo is one of the lesser-known. Shen Gong Wu. It acts as a portal to the Ying-Yang World-- a parallel universe with laws of its own. One must remain cautious. Its powers are not fully understood. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kimiko''': I was hoping we'd all rise together. :'''Omi''': ''[Looking sad]'' Aw, me too. ''[Then looking happy]'' That is why I will work extra hard teaching you until that day comes when you too are ready to become Wudai Warriors. :'''Clay''': Whoa, partner, and what makes you so sure YOU'RE the chosen one? :'''Omi''': ''[Laughing]'' Is it not obvious? Who else is it going to be? Raimundo? :''[Raimundo's head turns red and inflates while his hair starts to burn. Clay removes his hat, revealing a glass of water and he pours it on Raimundo's head. Raimundo gives Clay a thumbs-up.]'' :'''Omi''': I am sorry. I was not laughing at you but with you. :'''Raimundo''': I'm not laughing. :'''Kimiko''': Here's a wild thought. Maybe it's me. :'''Omi''': But you are a girl. ''[The others gasp]'' AAAAH! :''[Chaos ensues, ending with Omi beaten up on the floor]'' :'''Raimundo''': ''[Wincing]'' Nyah... :'''Kimiko''': And your point? :'''Omi''': Nothing, I like girls. ''[He passes out]'' === Saving Omi [2.26] === :'''Dojo''': Very interesting... it says here that Alexander The Great had seven toes on one foot and three on the other. :'''Raimundo''': What about Omi? :'''Dojo''': Well, I'm pretty sure he has five on each. But I've never taken a closer look. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dojo''': It maybe be time use our secret weapon: The Sweet Baby Among Us! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Heylin Omi''': If only I did not have to sleep! Then I could fight 24/7! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Omi''': Kimiko, Raimundo, Clay, I was ready to humiliate you in battle, but I have no idea why. :'''Kimiko''': It’s OK, Omi. It’s just good to have you back. :'''Jack''': Omi, I missed you so. :'''Omi''': OK, now I am most confused. :'''Dojo''': Jack brought the Reversing Mirror into the Ying Yang World. Instead of coming out whole, he must have left behind all of his evil. :'''Chase Young''': I hate to interrupt such a nauseating moment, but we have some serious evil left on the agenda. :'''Clay''': You have got no hold on Omi. He’s got his Chi back, and you ain’t getting your grubby hands on it. :'''Chase Young''': Omi swore his loyalty to me. :'''Kimiko''': He wasn’t himself back then. :'''Raimundo''': Omi is going nowhere. Except back home with us. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Chase Young (Reptile form)''': Heylin Memory Recall! :'''Omi''': ''[In recall]'' I do swear my loyalty to you. ''[End of recall]'' Wait. Chase Young is right. As a Xiaolin Monk, I am bound by my word. :''[Kimiko, Clay, Raimundo, and Jack gasped]'' :'''Omi''': I have no choice but to stay. == Season 3 (2005-2006) == === Finding Omi [3.1] === :'''Dojo''': I hate the ''AWAY'' games. The crowd's always against you. :''[Wuya cheering]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Chase Young (Reptile form) and Omi (Cat form)''': ''[in unison]'' Goat Biting Tail! Horse Skipping Pebble! Cat Playing Fiddle! Duck Flipping Burgers! :'''Omi (Cat form)''': Sparrow Eating Hot-Dog! ''[he then jumps off the rock]'' :'''Chase Young (Reptile form)''': ''[Sitting on the rock, surprised]'' Sparrow Eating Hot-Dog? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Omi''': No! It appears you have taught me too well! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Chase Young''': I think the evil inside you is stronger than you think. :'''Omi''': The good in you may be stronger then you know. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Master Fung''': That is correct. Only ONE would rise, but not until you worked together AS one. :'''Dojo''': I don't know about you, but I think he makes this stuff up as he goes along. ''[laughs to himself]'' === Bird of Paradise [3.2] === :'''Omi''': We may be outside, but we are not down. :'''Raimundo''': I think he means we're down but not out. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bird of Paradise''': I have given you the greatest gift of all. :'''Clay''': Farm equipment? === The Life and Times of Hannibal Roy Bean [3.3] === :'''Kimiko''': Wuya, I challenge you to a Xiaolin Showdown! The game is Meteor Shower. The first to reach the Moby Morpher wins! :'''Wuya''': And to make it interesting, I wager my Ying Yo-Yo against your Yang Yo-Yo! :'''Chase Young''': You never mention you have the Ying Yo-Yo. :'''Wuya''': Oh. Didn't I? Must've slipped my mind. :'''Omi''': Kimiko, remember, if you enter the Ying-Yang World without both Wu, you will come out evil! :'''Dojo''': And if you enter ''evil,'' you come out good. We may need a score card for this one. :'''Kimko & Wuya''': ''[in unison]'' LET'S GO! XIAOLIN SHOWDOWN! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dojo''': Maybe I should take over. I'd like to leave the parallel universe in one piece. :'''Omi''': Do you know how to fly the Silver Manta Ray? :'''Dojo''': Please, I was flying before I could crawl. I'm not just a mystical dragon. I'm also a certified pilot! :'''Raimundo''': Good enough for me! She's all yours, pappy! :'''Dojo''': Now, let's see if we can pick up the pace a little! :''[Silver Manta Ray falling and everybody screaming]'' :'''Dojo''': Don't worry!! I've got everything under control!! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Raimundo''': Clay, you know about tractors, maybe you can fix the Silver Manta Ray. :'''Clay''': Oh, sure Rai, yeah. Tractors and mystical flying transports are like two peas from the same pod. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Omi''': So it appears that it was not Jack who acted so stupid as to free Hannibal Bean, it was ''[realising]'' ME?! :'''Hannibal [as Jack]''': You got it sweet pea. Moby Morpher! ''[He turns back into his real form]'' :'''Omi''': Enough chat chit! Today victory is mine Hannibal Bean! :'''Kimiko''': This hardly seems like a fair fight. :'''Hannibal''': True. Perhaps I should fight with my eyes closed. :''[It then cuts to Kimiko and Omi who look very ticked-off]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hannibal [as Clay]''': Uhh... what in tarnation are you doin’? :'''Chase Young''': I’m ending what I should have ended years ago. :'''Omi''': Nooooooooo! :'''All''': Hyah! Unh! Hyah! :'''Hannibal [as Clay]''': Moby Morpher! ''[He turns back into his real form]'' Nice to see you again, Chase. Hey, thanks for the assistance. Maybe one day I’ll return the favor. ''[Continues sinister laughter]'' :'''Clay''': ''[Muffled]'' I’m afraid we got big problems, pardner. :'''Omi''': I know. You ripped the words from inside my mouth. :'''Chase Young''': You fools! You don’t know what you’ve done. You have unleashed the greatest evil the world has ever seen. :'''Raimundo''': Hmmph! Sounds like end of the world time...again. :'''Chase Young''': No. it is far worse than that. === Omi Town [3.4] === :'''Omi''': Now Dojo, you shouldn't kiss a horse on the lips before it gives you its' presents. ''[They all stare blankly]'' . :'''Kimiko''': Oh, kiss a gift horse on the mouth. :'''Everyone''': Ohhhh. :'''Dojo''': ''[Puzzled]'' I thought it was 'look a gift horse in the mouth'. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dojo''': Whoa! I wonder what my Great-Great-Great-Great Uncle Tiamat sent me? ''[he unwrapped the present]'' His bones. How thoughtful. <hr width="50%"/> :''' Jack''': Hey! You're not supposed to be here! :'''Omi''': Well, what comes in circles goes the other way in circles. ''[Everyone stares at him]'' :'''Wuya''': Somebody translate! I'll be up all night. :'''Clay''': I'm guessing "what goes around comes around. :'''Wuya''': Oh, please. That wasn't even close. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Raimundo''': Yeah, but I'm not sure, they're exactly what Omi's expecting <hr width="50%"/> :'''Omi''': ''MY LAST NAME IS CRUD?!'' '''''OMI CRUD?!?!?!?!?!''''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Chase Young''': Good morning, little monk. I'm not here to fight you, little monk, but to warn you. :'''Omi''': Warn me? :'''Chase Young''': Do you know where the other monks are? :'''Omi''': Asleep? :'''Chase Young''': They're in trouble and will your help. :'''Omi''': I do not believe you. :'''Chase Young''': Look, into the crow's eyes. :''[The crow zooms in and shows Omi that Jack Spicer, Wuya and Hannibal Roy Bean are planning to raid the temple]'' :'''Omi''': Why are you telling me this? :'''Chase Young''': Just something I thought you ought to know, in case you wanted to do anything about it. :'''Omi''': You want me to leave my parents and forfeit my honor. But I will not even they are old, fat and smelly. They need me and tonight I have to clean their teeth. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hannibal''': You're talkin' to Hannibal Roy Bean. :'''Raimundo''': Oh, Yeah! Well listen mister musical fruit I eat beans for lunch. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Omi and Omi robot mother touch the Shen Gong Wu at the same time]'' :'''Omi''': ''[shocked]'' Mother?! :'''Robot Mother''': I challenge you to a Xiaolin Showdown. The game is Bamboo Hopping. First to fall, loses. :'''Omi''': ''[heartbroken]'' My mother…on the side of evil? :'''Robot Mother''': When you're a parent, you'll understand. I wager my Orb of Tornami against your Lasso Boa-Boa. :'''Omi''': How'd you get my Orb?! :'''Robot Mother''': I went through your pocket when you were clipping your father's toenails. :'''Omi & Robot Mother''': ''[in unison]'' Let's go! XIAOLIN SHOWDOWN! === Treasure of the Blind Swordsman [3.5] === :'''Guardian''': ''[As he's being kidnapped]'' Hey! Who is that? Where am I? I need to use the bathroom. :'''Wuya''': ''[To Jack]'' What about the treasure chest? :'''Guardian''': What?! That's disgusting! ''[Pauses]'' You- you were talking to me? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jack''': ''[Doing a crossword]'' What's a four-letter word for idiot? :'''Wuya''': Jack. :'''Jack''': Perfect! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Omi is stuck to a cactus]'' :'''Kimiko''': Omi! Are you okay? :'''Omi''': ''[cringing]'' I have a thousand needles in my backside! '''''WHAT DO YOU THINK?!''''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Blind Swordsman''': You have summoned the spirit of the Blind Swordsman, loyal to whoever possesses the treasure chest. :'''Raimundo''': So, how about showing us how to use our new weapons? :'''Blind Swordsman''': Open your mind and trust that your weapon will show you the way. :'''Omi''': Shimo Staff! Ha! Oh ho! My weapon and I are most magnificent! ''[smooch]'' :'''Clay''': Big Bang Meteorang, do your stuff! Ha! Huh? Whoo! Well, I'll be a 3-legged centipede! :'''Kimiko''': Arrow Sparrow! ''[Boom]'' Burn, baby, burn! :'''Raimundo''': Blade of the Nebula! Huh? Hah! Whoo! I got the power! Hoo! Hoo! I got the power! :'''Omi''': Come, Dojo. We must rescue the blind old man at once! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Blind Old Man''': Perhaps you? I'd like to surrender now. :'''Jack''': Perhaps you? I'd like to keep your disses to yourself, four-eyes! :''[Record scratches]'' :'''Wuya''': He's blind! :'''Jack''': Even better! Time to double-team, Mr. No-eyes! Ha ha! Jack's on an evil rant now! Thorn of Thunderbolt! :'''Wuya''': Silk Spinner! :'''Blind Old Man''': Mantis Flip Coin! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Blind Old Man''': ''[Sighs]'' Again with the questions. It is quite simple. I use my mind to see rather than my eyes. ''[pauses]'' '''''DIDN'T YOU HEAR ME BEFORE?''''' That is the secret to the treasure chest. The answers to all your questions lie inside. You just have to look. === Oil in the Family [3.6] === :'''Omi''': We cannot just stand by and watch Wuya and Jack being chewed up by a big dinosaur. :'''Kimiko''': You're right. Someone better get the camcorder. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Raimundo''': No, the old hag won't think small like that. She'll be thinkin'... :'''Clay''': Yeah, anyway, Raimundo. Where I come from we have a sayin' follow the oil. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Clay''': Dojo, you're practically one of them critters! Have any ideas? :'''Dojo''': ''[Indignantly]'' I BEG YOUR PARDON! That's like me saying you're practically a monkey. Just because she speaks with a British accent doesn't make her smart, like a dragon! We fly, breathe fire and chew with our mouths closed! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Omi''': The jig is down! You're at the top of your rope! Spoon over that Wu! ''[Pauses, everyone stares at him]''. :'''Jack''': Oooh, oh! I got it! The jig is up, you're at the end of your rope, fork over the Wu! ''[Starts dancing and brings out an evil genius ribbon]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Wuya''': Jack, use your Shen Gong Wu! :'''Jack''': Changing Chopsticks! ''[shrinks Wuya]'' :'''Wuya''': Not ''me'' you fool! :'''Jack''': Changing Chopsticks! ''[shrinks himself]'' :''[Wuya kicks Jack in the butt and Jack uses the Changing Chopsticks, making themselves normal-sized again]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[T-Rex merely eats it and fires it Kimiko she protect herself, Omi, Raimundo, Clay and Dojo]'' :'''Kimiko''': ''[distance]'' WUDAI FIRE SHIELD! ''[As the fire hits leaks in the oil tank, causing an explosion]'' :''[The fallen Ruby of Ramses and Rio Reverso drop to two separate places, and the dinosaur runs towards the Rio Reverso]'' :'''Kimiko''': If we don't do something, we would wind up the ones extinct. :'''Raimundo''': I got us into this but this time I got a plan. ''[slip n' slides on the oil, swipes the Ruby of Ramses Wu and he and the T-Rex touch the Rio Reverso together]'' T-Rex, I challenge you to a Xiaolin Showdown! My Ruby of Ramses against your Changing Chopsticks. :'''T-Rex''': Jolly good. The game is Jurassic Chess. :'''Raimundo & T-Rex''': ''[in unison]'' Let's go! Xiaolin Showdown! === The Return Of Master Monk Guan [3.7] === :'''Dojo''': You're...sending...me...away!? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Master Fung''': I assure you that I will be here when you get back. :'''Dojo''': That's what my last master said when he went to for a soda and never returned! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Master Monk Guan:''' You will do as I say, and never, EVER ask questions. '''DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR!?''' :'''All:''' YES, MASTER MONK GUAN! :'''Master Monk Guan:''' Good. Now, any questions? ''[Raimundo raises hand]'' '''HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND!? WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT QUESTIONS!?''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Omi''': What wise saying do you have for us? :'''Master Fung''':...I have none. :'''Raimundo''': C'mon, you can whip out one of those old cheesy sayings...''[Master Fung makes an angry face]''...that we all love. :'''Master Fung''': I am afraid I am out of any 'cheesy sayings'. :'''Dojo''': If you want I can give you your file. ''[Pulls out an extremely large folder of paper. Master Fung makes another angry face]'' Not that you would need a file like that. ''[hides folder with a wide grin]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Omi''': This cannot be happening...Our Bobo is turning to the darkside. Again! :'''Raimundo''': The name is Raimundo. Not Bobo! :'''Clay''': Raimundo, what in the Sam Hill are ya doin? :'''Kimiko''': We're your friends. :'''Raimundo''': I got all the friends I need right here. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hannibal''': Poor little guy is like a fish outta water! ''[evilly laughing]'' === The Dream Stalker [3.8] === : '''Omi''': Solution is most simple! Raimundo must never sleep again! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Omi''': During my shift, I shall keep you awake with the most ancient training method known as ''[hold a bucket of cold water]'' DODGE THE BUCKET OF ICE WATER! :'''Raimundo''': Huh? ''[cold water hits his face, which get frosted with ice]'' '''''WHOA!''''' :''[Omi breaks the ice off of Raimundo, who shivers]'' :'''Omi''': You may need some practice, even though you will never be as good as me. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Raimundo:''' ''(yawns)'' Would it kill ya to get some reclining seats, Dojo. :'''Dojo:''' Please return all complaints to their full shut-up position, as we approach our final destination: Jack Spicer's lair. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kimiko''': Come on! Work it like you own it. :'''Raimundo''': I think I'm gonna ''(yawns)'' just freestyle. :'''Dojo''': Oooh, I got it! Trouble with a stuffed animal. Those things can get so surly. === Chucky Choo [3.9] === :'''Master Fung''': I miss you, too. But you must stop calling every 5 minutes! :'''Dojo''': Master Fung...who's that? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Master Fung''': Uh, Dojo, this is Frenchy Foo. Just an old friend passing through. :'''Dojo''': ''[gasps]'' Another dragon!? :'''Master Fung''': Dojo, it isn't like that. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Omi''': ''[To the Xiaolin monks]'' Monks, double your efforts....Raimundo...Triple yours. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dojo''': Great morning, young monks and the pitiful in need of assistance. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kimiko''': Wait, you know each other? :'''Dojo''': ''[to Chucky]'' You no good, yo-yo thief! :''[Chucky Choo screams as Dojo tackles him]'' :'''Omi''': I guess...will be yes. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Chucky Choo''': What do you say, Dojo? === Wu Got The Power? [3.10] === :'''Dojo''': The Denshi Bunny Wu is more impressive than it's name suggests. :'''Raimundo''': So, it doesn't make you a bunny? :'''Dojo''': Noooo. That would be just plain, silly. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jack Spicer''': Shadow Slicer, Shadow Slicer, Shadow Slicer, Shadow Slicer. :''[Omi, Kimiko, Raimundo, and Clay dives at Jacks, but it was a Shadow Slicer hologram]'' :'''Jack Spicer''': Jack is on his game. Smell you later, losers! ''[laughing while he flies off with their Shen Gong Wu]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jack Spicer''': That's brilliant! Why didn't I think of that? :'''Hannibal Roy Bean''': My guess, an extra chromosome. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Omi''': Well, too prove myself worthy of being your leader. I must solve of your elemental Shen Gong Wu. :'''Raimundo''': You did what!? :'''Master Fung''': Omi, that was most unwised. So much un-restrength power could lead to great dangers. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hannibal Roy Bean''': I hate to rain on your parade snowball, but I do not think so! === Hannibal's Revenge [3.11] === :'''Master Fung''': Hannibal together with Wuya could mean the end of the world.. :'''Raimundo''': Where have I heard the before? Oh yeah! "PREVIOUSLY ON XIAOLIN SHOWDOWN"! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kimiko then shows Jack Spicer a video on her laptop]'' :'''Omi (imitating Wuya)''': Do not underestimate Jack Spicer. Those bubble-bots are genius. :'''Clay (imitating Chase Young)''': Spicer has taken his martial arts skills to a new level. :'''Raimundo''': ''[offscreen]'' Dojo, get out of that shot! :'''Kimiko (imitating Hannibal Roy Bean)''': He is truly evil incoming. :'''Jack Spicer''': Yes! It is time to make my move. Dark Prince Jack-o is back on top-o! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kimiko (disguised as Jack Spicer)''': I challenge you to a Xiaolin Showdown Trio! :'''Hannibal Roy Bean''': I'll wager my Moby Morpher against your Conch and Chase's Serpent's Tail. :'''Chase Young''': I will fight ''without'' Shen Gong Wu. :'''Kimiko (disguised as Jack Spicer)''': The game is Last To Drop Wins. ''[in unison with Hannibal and Chase]'' Let's go, Xiaolin Showdown! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kimiko (disguised as Jack Spicer)''': Mind Reader Conch! :'''Chase Young''': ''I locked away that foolish vegetable once I'll do it again'' :'''Hannibal Roy Bean''': You cross the wrong Bean, when you cross Hannibal Roy Bean! ''[Throws a big chunk of rock]'' :'''Kimiko (disguised as Jack Spicer)''': Mind Reader Conch! :'''Hannibal Roy Bean''': ''That Chase has girly hair, a real warrior shaves his head like me.'' :'''Chase Young''': Hah!, you could pour fertilizer on your head and nothing would grow! ''[smirking]'' :'''Hannibal Roy Bean''': ERRRRR! MOBY MORPHER!!! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Raimundo''': ''[To Kimiko (disguised as Jack Spicer)]'' Yeah, you go girl--''[shocked]'' boy. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Chase Young''': ''[To Kimiko (disguised as Jack Spicer)]'' You surprised me, Spicer. I'm rarely surprised, but never fooled. ''[Sniffs]'' By the way, love the perfume. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hannibal Bean''': I see you've brought your kittens to do your fighting. :'''Chase Young''': ''[Referring to Wuya]'' And I see you've brought my housekeeper to do yours. === Time After Time Part 1 [3.12] === :'''Dojo''': I have TENS all around! :'''Omi''': I suppose beating Jack in the most colorful manner is the tie-breaker! :''[all grin evilly at Jack as they converge on him]'' :'''Jack''': No, no! You can't! WHAT KIND OF PEOPLE ARE YOU?! ''[screaming as they attacking on him]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Raimundo''': You know, if it weren't for Chase, we'd be so much further along in our fight against evil. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Omi''': I fear I have ruined the future. :'''Old Master Fung''': Remember this young monk, the future can always be changed. :'''Old Raimundo''': Every once in a while, the old dude still spits out words of wisdom. But mostly he just spits. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Old Raimundo''': Guys, this is a test we've been waiting for. I'd say we breaking in the palace, and take back of Sands of Time. :'''Old Clay''': Oh, we're not exactly the lame mean rotten machine we'll will once more. :'''Old Raimundo''': First, you were never lean. And second, we're still Xiaolin warriors. We fought together once, and we can do it again. It's up to us now. The Shroud of Shadows! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Old Raimundo''': Kimiko, take the Denshi Bunny and turn yourself into a electricity. Then, travel through the wires until you'll find the Wu vault where Jack keeps his Wu. I used the conch to the location. :'''Old Kimiko''': What's that? Oh, never mind. I'll look around to see where Jack keeps this Wu. ''[coughs]'' Denshi Bunny. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Old Raimundo''': Omi! Use the Sands of Time! Make sure it never happens. Go! :'''Dojo''': Sands of Time! :''[Activates the Sands of Time to taking them back 1,500 years ago]'' :'''Omi''': ''[cries]'' No. === Time After Time Part 2 [3.13] === :'''Omi''': This is my HOME!? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Raimundo''': I'd much rather fight evil than mud-wrestle some pig. :'''Clay''': Woah there, partner. This is not "some pig". All pigs are special in their own way. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kimiko''': And what makes you so sure? :'''Clay''': That may be but it don't mean diddly, if we can't bust our way out of here. :'''Raimundo''': We can escape! If I drink the Lao Mang Lone Soup. :'''Kimiko''': No, you can't! It'll turn you evil! :'''Raimundo''': But it'll give you guys enough time to escape. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Raimundo''': So, we need to stop Omi from freezing himself into the future, so he won't go into the past, where he did what he did which resulted in what happened. Simple! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Raimundo''': No, I didn't come this far to lose. We will find a way to win. It's our destiny. :''[Jack Spicer falls from above while screaming and lands on the four villains as Omi, Raimundo, Kimiko and Clay walk backwards]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Raimundo''': The game is Rescue the Damsel in Distress. First to save the damsel wins. Let's go. :'''Both''': Xiaolin Showdown! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Omi''': Dojo, you're saved! :'''Dojo''': Oh, sweet prince. My hero! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kimiko''': What's going on?! :'''Raimundo''': My guess, two parallel universes running into each other in a cosmic timeline continuum power up. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Omi, Raimundo, Kimiko, Clay and Dojo shake their bodies after they return to the temple]'' :'''Master Fung''': I hope you have learned well from your quest. :'''Raimundo''': I'm not quite sure what just happened. But I'll know, I'll never forget it. :'''Omi''': What happened? Really happened? :'''Jack Spicer''': ''[screams when he appeared behind Clay while Raimundo and Kimiko turn their heads]'' I wanna go home! ''[screams as he starts to run out of the temple while he freaks out]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Last Lines, series finale]'' :'''Master Fung''': As I told you, a leader would rise from the quest, and now... one has. :''[Raimundo is suddenly lit up, and as he's engulfed by the light, his original red robes and his medallion soon disappear and are replaced with a black robe with a dragon on the sleeve and a red sash on him, revealing that he has become the official leader of the team]'' :'''Kimiko''': Way to go, Rai! ''[Jumps into his arms and kisses him on the cheek]'' :'''Clay''': You did it, partner! :'''Raimundo''': ''[He has look of amazement, Kimiko jumps into his arms and kisses him on the cheek]'' I-I don't know what to say. Except I never thought it would be me...''[Kimiko and Clay give him a look]''...Well maybe a little. :''[Raimundo then notices Omi standing behind Master Fung with a let down look on his face. However Omi comes out from behind Master Fung and sheds a few small tears... as from the moment Master Fung told Omi about the new students coming to the temple, Omi vowed to be a great leader. Omi, with tears in his eyes spreads a smile across his face. He and Raimundo bow to each other at the same time. Master Fung, Dojo, and the chosen ones smile too. Then, an explosion outside the temple occurs. Monks notice that every single villain they've encountered during the series are there with their original enemy, Jack Spicer smiling]'' :'''Master Fung''': ''[to chosen ones, especially Raimundo who's busy removing his bandages before taking a second to survey their enemies]'' Now that you have risen to Shoku Warrior, your job has only begun. The survival of the world depends on you. :''[With that, the team launch themselves into battle against the Heylins]'' :'''Dojo''': Not too much pressure there... :''[It then cuts to show Kimiko, Clay and Omi whose dots have begun to glow, running alongside each other and seconds later, Raimundo appears. As they edge closer, Raimundo then jumps into the air and prepares to launch a kick just as the screen goes black]'' :'''Omi, Kimiko, Raimundo, and Clay:''' HAAIIIYYA!!!!! == Cast == :[[w:Tara Strong|Tara Strong]] - Omi, Megan, and T-Rex :[[w:Tom Kenny|Tom Kenny]] - Raimundo Pedrosa, Hannibal Roy Bean, Grand Master Dashi, Vlad, Blind Old Swordsman, Evil Squirrel, and Klofange :[[w:Grey DeLisle|Grey DeLisle]] - Kimiko Tohomiko, Evil Doll, Betie, Dyris, Singing Old Lady, and Omi's Mom :[[w:Jeff Bennett|Jeff Bennett]] - Clay Bailey, Master Monk Guan, Mala-Mala Jong, Cyclops, Evil Granny Lily, Dude-Bot, Jessie Bailey, Toshiro Tohomiko, Gigi, Parrot, Omi's Dad, and Blind Old Man :[[w:Danny Cooksey|Danny Cooksey]] - Jack Spicer and Good Jack :[[w:Wayne Knight|Wayne Knight]] - Dojo Kanojo Cho :[[w:Rene Auberjonois|Rene Auberjonois]] - Master Fung (Season 1) :[[w:Maurice LaMarche|Maurice LaMarche]] - Master Fung (Season 2 & Season 3), Tubbimura, Raksha the Snowman, Fearsome Four, and Chucky-Choo :[[w:Susan Silo|Susan Silo]] - Wuya :[[w:Greg Baldwin|Greg Baldwin]] - Daddy Bailey :[[w:Lee Thompson Young|Lee Thompson Young]] - Jermaine :[[w:Jennifer Hale|Jennifer Hale]] - Katnappe :[[w:Kevin Michael Richardson|Kevin Michael Richardson]] - Pandabubba == See Also == * ''[[Xiaolin Chronicles|Xiaolin Chronicles]] == External links == {{wikipedia}} [[Category:2000s American animated TV shows]] [[Category:Traditionally animated TV shows]] [[Category:Anime-influenced Western animated TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated action TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated science fantasy TV shows]] [[Category:Cancelled shows]] [[Category:Kids' WB shows]] [[Category:Television series by Warner Bros. Animation]] 9wokbz0g0ljwnvkqpkiaqn9pwocbiui 3153180 3153179 2022-08-10T11:36:53Z 2600:1702:3460:3310:9548:B261:14C0:1015 /* Chameleon [1.6] */ wikitext text/x-wiki '''''[[w:Xiaolin Showdown|Xiaolin Showdown]]''''' (2003-2006) is an animated television show about a group of four young Xiaolin monks: [[w:List_of_Xiaolin_Showdown_characters#Omi|Omi]], [[w:Kimiko_Tohomiko|Kimiko]], [[w:Raimundo_Pedrosa|Raimundo]] and [[w:Clay Bailey|Clay]] whose task is to collect powerful items known as [[w:Shen Gong Wu|Shen Gong Wu]] while battling the evil [[w:Jack Spicer (Xiaolin Showdown)|Jack Spicer]] and the ancient Heylin witch Wuya, who are also after the artifacts. == Season 1 (2003-2004) == === The Journey of a Thousand Miles [1.1] === :'''Narrator''': Thousands of years ago, a furious battle was waged between the great and noble Xiaolin Dragon Dashi and the evil Heylin witch Wuya. This was the first Xiaolin Showdown. Wuya pitted her dark magic against Dashi and his mystical power objects, the Shen Gong Wu. In the end, Dashi triumphed, and Wuya was forever imprisoned in a simple wooden puzzle box. The threat averted, Dashi spread his Shen Gong Wu around the earth. For generations, they have secretly maintained the balance of good and evil. And a long line of Xiaolin Dragons has stood ready to face evil, should that balance ever shift. <hr width=50%/> :''[at the Xiaolin Temple, must deal with the new recruits, Raimundo Pedrosa, Kimiko Tohomiko, and Clay Bailey]'' :'''Master Fung''': Omi, I would like you to meet Raimundo. :'''Raimundo''': ‘Sup? :'''Master Fung''': Kimiko. :'''Kimiko''': He said that? ''[gasped]'' Hey. No way! :'''Master Fung''': And Clay. :'''Clay:''' Howdy. :'''Omi''': Master, where are the new students? :'''Master Fung''': Right in front of you, Omi. :'''Omi''': They are not what I expected. :'''Master Fung''': The best things in life rarely are. :'''Omi''': You are right, master. Welcome, my new and strangely-attired friends. :'''Master Fung''': I must be going, young ones. I can see there is much teaching to be done here. :'''Omi''': Yes, master. Much teaching indeed. <hr width=50%/> :'''Omi''': What is that? Is it magic? :'''Kimiko''': It's a PDA. I'm sending a message to a friend in Tokyo. :'''Omi''': A ''secret'' message? :'''Kimiko''': Nah. I'm just telling her I met a very strange kid who apparently doesn't know about personal space issues. :'''Omi''': Really? Who? ''[Points at Clay]'' Is it that guy? :'''Clay''': Not me, partner. :'''Raimundo''': It's you, chrome dome. <hr width=50%/> :''[Meanwhile, meet the evil boy genius, Jack Spicer]'' :'''Jack''': I want to rule the whole world! All of it! Not some of it. Not just [[w:Iceland|Iceland]] or [[w:Fiji|Fiji]]. I wanna rule the whole world! :'''Jack-bot''': Pardon me, sir. :'''Jack''': What? Can’t you see I’m on an evil rant here? :'''Jack-bot''': Yes, sir, but your father sent you a gift from [[w:Hong Kong|Hong Kong]]. :'''Jack''': Oh, a puzzle box. Oh, let’s see. And my prize is...a mask? Lame. All right, back to world conquest. My favorite pastime. Now, let’s see. Europe might not be a bad place to start. Or is that too obvious? Could go in for the unexpected, like [[w:Paraguay|Paraguay]]. But is that enough of an attention grabber? Could go down through [[w:Africa|Africa]], over to [[w:South America|South America]] and... :'''Wuya''': Onward to [[w:Asia|Asia]]. :'''Jack''': ''[screamed in shock]'' Spooky ghost lady! Attack! :'''Wuya''': Plans for world conquest? My dear boy, we have much in common. What’s your name? :'''Jack''': Jack Spicer. Who are you? What are you? :'''Wuya''': Me? I’m your new best friend. <hr width=50%/> :'''Raimundo''': Right. Like we're gonna take directions from a gecko. :'''Dojo''': Gecko!? Don't ever call me gecko! :'''Raimundo''': Eh, my mistakes. <hr width=50%/> :'''Dojo''': Wuya! Wow, the years have not been kind to you. <hr width=50%/> :'''Master Fung''': It is your most solemn duty as Xiaolin Warriors to find all the Shen Gong Wu before Wuya does. :'''Raimundo''': ''[raises hand]'' I have a question. :'''Master Fung''': Yes, Raimundo? :'''Raimundo''': I saw my room, and no bed. Just a mat. What the dealy? ''[Everyone stares at him]'' Um, we can talk later... <hr width=50%/> :'''Dojo''': Can't believe I went from Temple Guardian to babysitter in less than a day! <hr width=50%/> :'''Omi''': And so our grand quest begins. Follow me, TO VICTORY! ''[From off-screen]'' I have no idea where I'm going. <hr width=50%/> :''[Raimundo turns off the game Omi is playing and Omi starts crying]'' :'''Omi''': YAAH! MY LITTLE FRIEND HAS BEEN TAKEN BY THE DARK FORCES OF ''EVIL!'' ''[to the game]'' Po-chi are you in there?!Can you hear the sound of my voice?! :''[Raimundo laughs and Kimiko punches him]'' :'''Kimiko''': Don't mess with the monk! :'''Raimundo''': ''[Grimacing]'' Girl, you hit hard! <hr width=50%/> :'''Raimundo''': It’s a what now? :'''Dojo''': A Xiaolin Showdown. It’s what happens when two warriors reach a stalemate over a Shen Gong Wu. Two words: Freak-y. :'''Omi''': Jack Spicer, I challenge you to a Xiaolin Showdown! I wager my Two-Ton Tunic against your Mantis Flip Coin. Whoever reaches the last stone first wins the Eye of Dashi. And the other Shen Gong Wu as well. :'''Wuya''': Accept the challenge. Accept it! :'''Jack''': I accept your challenge, Omi. :'''Omi''': Let’s go! Xiaolin Showdown! <hr width=50%/> :'''Dojo''': That’s a Xiaolin Showdown for ya. Always keeps you guessing. Gong Yi Tanpai! That means “go”. <hr width=50%/> :'''Master Fung''': You have all done exceptionally well. Wouldn’t you agree, Dojo? :'''Dojo''': Not bad, for amateurs. :'''Master Fung''': The journey of a thousand miles begins with but a single step. :'''Dojo''': Where do you get this stuff? :'''Master Fung''': I have a desk calendar. :'''Omi''': Master Fung, there are so many Shen Gong Wu left to be found. :'''Master Fung''': Your new friends will help. :'''Omi''': Oh, yes, master. I have already taught much to Kimiko, Raimundo, and Clay. :'''Master Fung''': But, Omi, they are here to teach you. :'''Omi''': But I am the chosen one. :'''Master Fung''': You aren’t the only chosen one, Omi. Someday your new friends may become Dragons, as well. Kimiko, the Dragon of Fire. Clay, the Dragon of Earth. And Raimundo, the Dragon of the Wind. :'''Omi''': Is this true, master? :'''Master Fung''': Yes, but I didn’t want to tell you until you were ready. :''[Omi groans]'' :'''Clay''': I don’t think he was ready. === Like a Rock! [1.2] === :'''Omi''': I foolishly and shamefully lost a quarter second on the sandbags. As you might say, I smell bad. :'''Raimundo''': I stink, not I smell bad. :'''Omi''': I stink? :'''Raimundo''': Yeah, and you smell bad, too. ''[laughs]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Clay''': Hmm, seems like the feller don't mean any harm. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dojo''': Ooh, that Fist of Tebigong must be close, 'cause I'm getting a wicked case of Shen Gong Wu rash! Yeah, it kinda itches here, but it's more burny down there, and behind the my tail I've got this unsightly cracking. I mean it, it's ooh. :'''Kimiko''': I meant with the location of the Shen Gong Wu! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jack Spicer''': First order of business when I rule the world: vaporize all mimes. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Raimundo''': There has gotta be some way outta here. Okay. Those walls are solid. :'''Kimiko''': Let me try. ''[she throws Raimundo on a mime wall]'' You're right. Those walls are solid. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Raimundo''': Well, this is nice, eh? The three of us friends having a few laughs together. But where’s our fourth friend, Mr. Clay? Oh, that’s right. <big><big>'''''HE'S LOSING THE FIST OF TEBIGONG TO JACK SPICER! DID YOU GUYS FORGET THAT?!'''''</big></big> <hr width="50%"/> :'''Raimundo''': So, Clay? Can I give the Eye of Dashi a try? :'''Clay''': Sure thing, Raimundo. :'''Omi''': What? Why? I should try it before you. I found it. :'''Raimundo''': Your snooze, your lose! :'''Omi''': Then perhaps, I'll try the Fist of Tebigong on your head! :'''Kimiko''': Guys, knock it off! Or I'll Third Arm Sash your mouths shut! === Tangled Web [1.3] === :'''Omi''': Yuck! This candy tastes most unpleasant! :'''Raimundo''': That 'cause it's lipstick. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dojo''': ''[shivering]'' This water's cold. I'm tellin' ya, I don't know how my cousin, Nessie, stands living here! 'Course, if you ask me, she likes all the attention! "Hey, look! It's the Loch Ness Monster!" :'''Scottish Man''': ''[offscreen]'' Hey, look! It's the Loch Ness Monster! :'''Dojo''': See? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Omi''': ''[reading the "Ancient Guide to Females"]'' Oh yes! Females are easily frightened! :'''Kimiko''': ''[obviously irked]'' You're lucky you're cute, Omi. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Omi''': I am very surprised Kimiko can lift such a heavy pot with her delicate female arms. :'''Kimiko''': ''[angry]'' '''WHAT!?!?''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Omi''': The Golden Tiger Claws are inside that palace? :'''Dojo''': That's what this rash is telling me. Ohhh. Wonder if there's an ointment for this? Ahhhh-hhhh! :'''Raimundo''': How do we get in there? :'''Clay''': Maybe if we knock on the door and ask real nice like? :'''Dojo''': That's the Emperor Palace. They don't just let anybody in there. We need connections! :'''Kimiko''': Oh, no worries. I'll call my dad. === Katnappe! [1.4] === :'''Jack Spicer''': Stay out of this Ashley. :'''Katnappé''': My evil name's Katnappe, doofus. :'''Jack Spicer''': Who you calling' doofus, Kitty Litter? :'''Katnappé''': Who you calling' Kitty Litter, Robo-freak? :'''Wuya''': Enough! Cease your bickering. <hr width="50%"/> : '''Dojo''': ''[after Omi's defeat]'' What happened? I blinked and missed it. <hr width="50%"/> : '''Katnappé''': See you, Xiaolin Warriors. I've got more shopping to do. Me-ow! : '''Dojo''': Except for the parts where she slapped us silly and got away, I think that went pretty well. === Shen Yi Bu [1.5] === :'''Jack''': Uh-huh, hmm. So, Mr. Tubbimura, tell us about yourself. Why should Jack Spicer, evil incorporated, hire you? :'''Tubbimura''': ''[Bowing]'' Hai. Well er, I have, as you can see, extensive experience wreaking havoc and destruction. :'''Jack''': Yeah not really looking for H and D. :'''Tubbimura''': Er, I also have solid grasp of mayhem. :'''Wuya''': Mayhem is good. :'''Jack''': There's always a need for mayhem. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tubbimura''': You must choose. Drop the Sword of the Storm or fall. :'''Raimundo''': 'Kay, I choose fall. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Master Fung''': You weren't defeated by your opponent Raimundo. :'''Raimundo''': Oh, no? Would you like to see the impression of his boot on my butt? :'''Master Fung''': ''[Hurriedly]'' Oh, that won't be necessary. You were defeated by your lack of knowledge. Remember, a drop of knowledge is more powerful than a sea of force. :'''Raimundo''': ''[Sighs]'' Can't anyone speak normally around here? :'''Master Fung''': Reflect on these things. As for me, I think I shall try my hand at Goo Zombies 2. === Chameleon [1.6] === :'''Clay''': Face it, Raimundo. He's all over you like stink on a skunk. :'''Raimundo''': Ah-ah! The master isn't through yet. Gotcha, don't I? :'''Omi''': No, the Ace is in your sleeve. I only hesitate because I'm thinking of Kimiko again. Or perhaps I should say, the one who ''calls'' herself Kimiko. :'''Raimundo''': You're tiger instincts are keen, bro. But your theory about Kim is… I don't know, it's-- :'''Clay''': Buggier than a June bug? :'''Raimundo''': Yeah, it's buggier than a June bug. :'''Omi''': No. I am sure of myself on this matter. But if you will not listen, perhaps Master Fung will. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Omi''': ''[points at Chameleon (disguised as Kimiko) taking the Shen Gong Wu to Clay and Raimundo]'' See? You see, you see, you see?! :'''Clay''': I see but…I do not wanna believe. :'''Raimundo''': NIFTY! I should've caught it at NIFTY! :'''Omi''': Imposter, show your true form! :'''Kimiko (Chameleon)''': How about if I show you this instead? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jack Spicer''': Jack Spicer, evil boy genius. ''[starts putting the Shen Gong Wu in his sack while singing a tune]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Clay''': Aw, man! That's the second hat this week. Now I'm mad! ''[starts huffing and puffing angrily]'' === Ring of the Nine Dragons [1.7] === :'''Jack''': Any idea where we're going? :'''Wuya''': No, but I could always glide through the walls, and peek ahead. :'''Jack''': N-not a good idea. :'''Wuya''': Why? You're not afraid of the dark, are you? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Omi''': My viper strike was not very good. :'''Dizzy Omi''': I never made it passed level 1. :'''Fat Omi''': I ate cookie dough all night. ''[burps]'' Oh. May I never be hungry again. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Omi''': Now remember, we must find the.. er... thingie! :'''Omi clones''': ''[scratching heads]'' Oh, yes, we must find, we have to find the thingie! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Master Fung''': I want them spotless, Omi. ''Spotless.'' ''[holds up a brush and gives Omi an angry look]'' :'''Omi''': ''[remorsefully]'' Yes, Master. Spotless. :''[Kimiko, Raimundo, and Clay watch from outside the kitchen]'' :'''Master Fung''': I will inspect your work in one hour. ''[leaves the kitchen, slamming the door shut]'' :'''Kimiko''': Wow, I've never seen Master Fung so upset. :'''Clay''': He looked as mad as a beaver in a petrified forest. :'''Omi''': Master Fung is right to be angry. ''[starts brushing]'' I have acted most shamefully. Because of my disobedience, we still only have one Shen Gong Wu. :'''Raimundo''': Yeah, true. ''[Kimiko angrily nudges him in the arm]'' Ow! What?! I'm just agreeing with what he said. Besides, maybe it's better this way. === Night of the Sapphire Dragon [1.8] === :'''Dojo''': Maybe I can be the dragon of…FIRE! :'''Kimiko''': Sorry, position's filled. :'''Dojo''': Then how 'bout soot? :'''Raimundo''': Soot? Not impressive. :'''Dojo''': And this is comin' from the wind guy? Ooh! How 'bout gas, huh? I eat a few cans o' beans and BAM! I'm in, baby! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Omi''': Ha! Right there! :'''Raimundo''': The Sapphire Dragon. :'''Omi''': The most dangerous Shen Gong Wu. It is only to be used as an absolute last resort. It will turn your enemy into a sapphire statue. :'''Raimundo''': And a guy next door, the old lady down the street, the kids at the playground. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After getting almost blasted by the sapphire dragon]'' :'''Raimundo''': You think he'd be grateful we rescued him from the volcano. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dojo''': Alright then, just remember, you asked for it! ''(panicking whimpering)'' === My Homey Omi [1.9] === :'''Omi:''' Oh, no! My friends are lost in New York City! How will they survive without ME?! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kimiko''': Dojo, anything you can do here? :'''Dojo''': Eh...uh, gee guys. I-I-I'm not big on trains. A-and that third rail really chafes. :'''Kimiko''': Dojo! :'''Dojo''': Okay, okay. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jermaine''': ''[To Jack]'' Are you afraid of getting whooped little boy? <hr width="50%"/> : '''Jack Spicer''': Okay, got the Shen Gong Wu. Now, a little vaporizing of our enemies, and we'll call it a day. === Big as Texas [1.10] === :'''Clay''': Hey, fellas. ''[sees his hat full of milk]'' Huh?! :'''Omi''': Only a 9 1/2 gallons. You get a free hat! :'''Clay''': RAIMUNDO!!! :'''Raimundo''': Think fast! ''[tosses the filled hat of milk at a furious Clay who chases him around the room]'' Hey, what's one hat compared to your best friend Raimundo's life? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Raimundo''': ''[cringing]'' What... did I just land in? :'''Clay''': That would be a cow pie. :'''Raimundo''': No! I know pies! Pies have cherry, or apple, or rhubarb! THIS IS NO PIE! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Daddy Bailey''': Clay, I reckon you've been a man longer than I realized :'''Jack''': ''[To Wuya]'' How come we don't have a relationship like that? :'''Wuya''': I'm not your mommy! Now pick up your toys Jackie, and let's go home. === Royal Rumble [1.11] === :'''Kimiko:''' Omi, please tell Clay that he's blocking my light. :'''Omi:''' Clay, I have a message from-- :'''Clay:''' Omi, tell Kimiko that I'll cast my shadow wherever I darn well please. :'''Omi:''' Kimiko, Clay responds-- :'''Kimiko:''' Tell Clay that maybe his shadow wasn't so fat and huge. :'''Omi:''' Clay, Kim-- :'''Raimundo:''' ''[fully annoyed]'' Omi, tell Kimiko ''and'' Clay that they're both ''[head enlarges]'' GIVING ME A HEADACHE! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Omi:''' My friends! Hearing the sound of your voices again will give me tremendous pleasure. :'''Kimiko:''' Omi! :'''Clay:''' Run! :'''Raimundo:''' It's a trap! :'''Omi:''' That did not give me as much pleasure as I had hoped. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jack:''' You know this trap would never have worked if I hadn't lost my Xiaolin Showdown in the first place. Wait, that didn't come out right. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Omi:''' Sun Chi Lantern! ''[absorbs his friends' chi energies]'' :'''Wuya:''' Stop him! He's merging his chi energy with the others! :'''Kimko's voice:''' FIRE! :'''Clay's voice:''' EARTH! :'''Raimundo's voice:''' WIND! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jack:''' Don't make me bust you up, little man. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kimiko''': We got the Serpent's Tail, the Orb of Tornami… :'''Clay''': The Longi Kite… :'''Raimundo''': And the Tongue of Saiping, which I do not recommend touching. === Mala Mala Jong [1.12] === :'''Wuya:''' Let me guess…you're downloading more of your vapid hippity-hop music. :'''Jack Spicer:''': ''[imitates buzzer]'' I'm working up a Shen Gong Wu spreadsheet so we can know who has what. Check it. We have the Eye of Dashi, they have the Tongue of Saiping. We have the Third Arm Sash, they've got the Longi Kite. And those really cool Golden Tiger Claws… Omi sent them to the Earth's core, so nobody has them. How do I file that one? :'''Wuya:''' I don't need a scorekeeper! I need someone who will retrieve the Shen Gong Wu and waist time with--wait! I am sensing a new Shen Gong Wu! ''[gasps]'' It is the most important of them all. The Heart of Jong! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jack Spicer:''' Smell ya later, losers! ''[Tries to fly off but has his foot caught in a lasso]'' :'''Clay:''' You'll smell us NOW, ya dirty snake! :'''Kimiko:''' Smell us now? :'''Raimundo:''' Clay's villain taunting needs some serious work. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Omi:''' Oh, yes. Squirrels are most fearsome opponents. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kimiko:''' Now what? we just camp out here and wait? :'''Dojo:''' How 'bout we "sing songs" Or-or tell "ghost stories" Or ah..oh, oh, oh, oh! I know. S'mores! :'''Raimundo:''' Mala Mala Jong could be attacking the temple right now. We should be fighting with Master Fung! :'''Omi:''' Master Fung order us to guard the Shen Gong Wu. :'''Raimundo:''' But... :'''Omi:''' All we can do is formulate a plan to defeat Mala Mala Jong in case... :'''Clay:''' Master Fung fails. === In the Flesh [1.13] === :'''Jack''': Hey you know what they say, finders keepers, losers weepers. :'''Omi''': The only one being a weeping loser is you Jack Spicer! And you Wuya! You shall weep over your loss as well! :'''Jack''': Wow! That is the lamest taunt ever. Stick to the jumping and kicking Omi. :'''Omi''': As you wish! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Raimundo:''' So, that's the way it's gonna be, huh? :'''Kimiko:''' You tell us, Raimundo. :'''Clay:''' You can always drop the Shen Gong Wu and leave. :'''Raimundo:''' Nah, I'm up for a Xiaolin slap down. :'''Omi:''' Raimundo, I am starting to think you are not enacting some sort of ''SECRET ELABORATE PLAN''. :'''Raimundo:''' Nothin' escapes you, Omi. :'''Omi:''' Not even you! :'''Raimundo:''' Wrong. == Season 2 (2004-2005) == === Days Past [2.1] === : '''Dojo:''' Hah! The joke's on you Wuya! You broke the Reversing Mirror. Seven years bad luck! In, your, face! : '''Wuya:''' Actually, since its the Reversing Mirror, its seven years good luck. : '''Dojo:''' Ooh, hadn't thought of that. Crud. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Omi:''' I am most confused. If you were just going to give me the pebble, why make me go through the whole Showdown? :'''Dashi:''' Two reasons. One, it was funny. :'''Dojo:''' True. :'''Dashi''': Two, to teach you something. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Wuya''': Crush them. :'''Dojo''': ''[girly shriek]'' A retreat might be in order, here!! === Citadel of Doom [2.2] === :'''Kimiko''': You...You...'''YOU'''!!... :'''Clay''': Doofus? :'''Kimiko''': ''(to Clay)'' Thank you. ''(to Jack)'' <big><big>'''YOU DOOFUS'''!</big></big> You trapped Omi in the past forever! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Wuya:''' How like Dashi to give you the tool but not the knowledge of how to use it. He always was a fool. A smart dresser, but a fool. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jack Spicer:''' Me? Fighting for good? In a bathrobe? Forget it. Next time we meet, we're enemies again. :''[Is about to fly off when Omi grabs his trenchcoat and gives him sad eyes.]'' :'''Jack Spicer:''' But maybe some time, if we're not fighting over Shen Gong Wu, we can all go for ice cream. My treat. :'''Omi:''' Yes that would be most nice. We could get a Monday! :'''Clay:''' Sundae. :'''Omi:''' Even better! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kimiko''': What's the matter, Rai? You look pretty bored for a guy who rules the world. :'''Raimundo''': What are you doing here!? Did you decide to join me? :'''Clay''': Nope. Still rather kiss the backside of a mule. :'''Kimiko''': We escaped, Raimundo. So be cool and let us go. :'''Dojo''': Or be a loser and come after us. :'''Raimundo''': Better run, 'cause I'm coming after you. :'''Kimiko''': Have it your way. :'''Raimundo''': C'mon. We got some former friends to catch. === The Shard of Lightning [2.3] === :'''Wuya:''' You thought I'd stay out of that box forever, didn't you? :'''Omi:''' Yes, I did, Wuya. Well, another 1500 years would have been nice! <hr width="50%"> :'''Master Fung''': As soon as the user brings forth the power of the shard, he can move so fast no one can see him. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Omi''': I would not count your ducks before they emerge from their shells! :'''Raimundo''':...that one wasn't even close. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Omi''': Hello, I'm ready to showdown here. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Katnappe''': Stop copy me! :'''Two Jack''': Stop copy me! :'''Katnappe''': Quit it! :'''Two Jack''': Quit it! :''[Katnappe look at the watch]'' :'''Katnappe''': That's it! === The Crystal Glasses [2.4] === :'''Wuya:''' ''[Talking to Omi]'' Soon you will be my greatest ally! :'''Jack:''' I'll even write your own evil theme music! ''[dramatic music plays]'' Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun! :'''Omi:''' This is NOT right! === Pandatown [2.5] === :'''Jack Spicer''': ''[To Pandabubba]'' All you want is Hong Kong?! Can't I at least get double-crossed by somebody with some vision? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Raimundo''': Come on, guys. You're making this too easy for me. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Raimundo''': Come on, Omi! It’s a classic gong game! :'''Omi''': Okay, I hear your concerns and I will take them under advisement with the apprentice’s. Clay, Kimiko? :'''Clay''': I reckon’ we don't have a better choice. :'''Kimiko''': Let’s give a shot. :'''Raimundo''': What?! You’re believing Jack Spicer over ME?! That’s it! I'm finding my own way in, and anyone who wants can go with me! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Clay''': Two-Ton Tunic! :'''Raimundo:''': Eye of Dashi! :'''Kimiko''': Third-Arm Sash! :'''Omi''': Orb of Tornami! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kimiko''': Come on, Rai. You can still win this. :'''Omi''': Just think: "What would Omi do"? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Wuya''': Forget it, Jack. What happens in Pandatown stays in Pandatown. === Sizing Up Omi [2.6] === :'''Omi''': ''[gets an idea]'' Raimundo, that is the answer! I will grow bigger backwards! :'''Kimiko''': He got me on that one. :'''Omi''': Clay, may I please bore the Reversing Mirror? Raimundo, may I please borrow the Changing Chopsticks? :'''Clay''': Where are you going with this, Omi? :'''Omi''': Changing Chopsticks! Reversing Mirror! ''[grows bigger]'' Now there is nothing I cannot accomplish! Except perhaps explaining to Master Fung about the temple ceiling. <hr width="50%"> :'''Clay''': You OKAY down there, partner? :'''Omi''': Oh, yes! Dojo's earwax is most convenient! But I do wish I had a better view. Ah, that is much better! :'''Dojo''': Better hope I don't sneeze! :'''Omi''': Nooo, you have very clean sinuses! I thank you! === Enter the Dragon [2.7] === :'''Dojo''': Why is everybody looking at me like I'm some sort of freak? I AM NOT A FREAK! :'''Clay''': Relax, Dojo. Nobody is saying anything ''[whispers '''out loud''']''. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Omi:''' Has Dojo ever gotten out of his box? :'''Master Fung''': It's only happened once. It was the last time anyone saw... Atlantis. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Omi''': Why should ''I'' remain behind and Raimundo go? It took him the longest to become an apprentice, and no one thought he would make it! ''[Raimundo clears his throat]'' Uh, I mean, except for me? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dojo''': ''[as Master Fung]'' Omi, it is Master Fung. Dojo is holding me prisoner! :'''Omi''': No. I do not believe you! ''[eats an eggroll]'' :'''Dojo''': ''[as a sad little girl; crying]'' Please let me out. I'm lost! ''[cries]'' :'''Omi''': No! No, I cannot! :'''Dojo''': ''[as a mother version of Omi]'' Omi, this is your mother speaking. You open that door this instant! :'''Omi''': Dojo, you are merely wasting your efforts. Besides, I am an orphan. :'''Dojo''': ''[as Omi]'' Omi, it's Omi. You've got to let me out! :'''Omi''': ''[irritated]'' Oh, this is not getting most ridiculous! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Omi:''' I did not abandon my post! I am still at my post, actually I am inside my post! But that Dojo pulled his sweater over my eyes! :'''Raimundo:''' Alright, that's gotta be Omi. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Master Fung''': Who let Dojo out? :''[Clay, Raimundo and Kimiko take one step to the left from Omi]'' :'''Omi''': ''[ashamed with dismay]'' I am so ashamed. It appears Dojo is one very crafty dragon. :'''Master Fung''': Oh, this is not good. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kimiko''': He does know how to make an entrance. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Master Fung:''' Remember, Omi. The future of the world is in your hands. === The Sands of Time [2.8] === :'''Jack:''' ''[Holding the Sands of Time]'' Looking for this, Xiaolin losers? Too bad! You're out of luck and out of time! Haahaaha! :'''Omi:''' It was up to me to find the Sands of Time and I failed all of you. My friends, Master Fung and the entire universe! I believe that about covers it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jack:''' I guess this would be the part where I let out my new trademark evil laugh. Hahahahahahhahahahah! Muahahahahahaha! ''[This continues for several seconds]'' :'''Omi:''' Not so fast Spicer! He who is last to be laughing laughs most loudly! :'''Raimundo:''' What Omi did to that sentence is what we're going to do to you! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jack:''' ''[holding the Sweet Baby Among Us Wu]'' It's like taking candy from a bunch of babies! :'''Old Jack:''' Eh? Who's got the babies? :'''Jack:''' Hurry up, old timer. We gotta get the Ruby of Ramses before it reveals itself. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jack:''' I've got two words for you. ''GYM MEMBERSHIP!'' === Hear Some Evil, See Some Evil [2.9] === :'''Clay''': ''[Jack is reading Clay's mind]'' That Jack is slower than a three-legged cow in quicksand! :'''Jack''': What!? I'm faster than any three-legged cow! ''[is hit by Omi]'' <hr width="50%/> :''[Megan appears in front of the monks rolling in the Jack's shield]'' :'''Megan''': Hi, I'm Megan. :'''Raimundo''': Oh, there's something you don't see every day. A little girl in a hamster ball. :'''Megan''': Are you looking for Jack Spicer and the ugly old hag? ''[everyone nods and she gets out of the shield]'' My stupid cousin Jack thinks he locked me inside that thing but I found the door. === Dreamscape [2.10] === :'''Jack''': When hunting the elusive wu, you have to move as quiet as a cat. ''[stubs toe]'' OOOOWWWWWWWWW, OOOOHHH THAT HURT!!!! ''[Screams loudly, then covers up mouth]'' :'''Kimiko''': Yawn. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jack''': ''[Flying away]'' Don't worry Xiaolin Losers! I'll thank you in my acceptance speech! Hahahahaha! === Master Monk Guan [2.11] === :'''Chase Young''': It will be up to you Dojo. Your stay here can be a pleasant or an unpleasant experience. :'''Dojo''': ''[Quickly]'' I choose pleasant, how about pleasant, pleasant would be nice. :'''Chase Young''': I thought you might. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dojo''': You know, I can still fit into the same swimming trunks I wore 1500 years ago! :'''Kimiko''': ''[giggles]'' You mean your old toga? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Omi''': Dojo, are you alright? :'''Dojo''': ''[Annoyed]'' I'm sitting in a pot of soup, what do you think?! === The Evil Within [2.12] === :'''Raimundo''': Hey, Omi, everything cool? :'''Omi''': Yes, Raimundo. I believe everything is the correct temperature. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Raimundo''': I can't believe something that small could put up such a big fight! :'''Omi''': ''[grabbing Raimundo's shirt]'' What! I am not that small! :'''Kimiko''': I think he was talking about Sibini. :'''Omi''': Oh, yes! He is very small. === The Deep Freeze [2.13] === :'''Dojo''': Hey, gang, got a live one incoming. It's the Shen Gong Wu called the Lunar Locket. Whoever possesses it, can control the phases of the moon. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jack''': ''[playing with the Lunar Locket Wu]'' Look at me! I'm the ruler of the moon. Watch! Look at it dance. Whoo-hoo! This is so awesome! :'''Wuya''': Stop playing with the moon, Jack. It isn't a toy. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kimiko''': Can't stand the heat? Then get off the mountain, tin man. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Omi''': You made your bed, Spicer. Now you'll have to eat it! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dude-Bot''': Just because we are mortal enemies, does that mean we can't be friends? === Screams of the Siren [2.14] === :'''Jack''': I ask for knife-throwing lessons, mom sends me figure-skating. "You never know when it'll come in handy!" Now I feel kinda a bad for making a robot out of her juicer. :'''Dojo''': That Spicer kid sure has nice form. :'''Clay''': Whoo! Look there, a triple Salchow! ''[The others stare at him]'' What? Cowboys can't like figure-skating? :'''Raimundo''': Come on, Omi. Just because you're built like a hockey puck doesn't mean you have to skate like one! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jack Spicer''': I'm an artiste, I communicate with my feet. :'''Wuya''': If I had feet I'd communicate all over you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Omi''': Oh, now I understand! Dyris wanted to know what Shen Gong Wu can create powerful, underground geysers to melt the ice and flood the world. :'''Klowfange''': Are you sure you're on the side of the good? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kimiko''': Did you get the Black Beetle? :'''Omi''': Does it look like I got the Black Beetle?! :'''Raimundo''': No, it looks like you lost the Gills of Hamachi. <hr width="50%"> :'''Omi''': Where are the Shen Gong Wu?! ''[The Black Beetle Wu appears out of the water]'' The Black Beetle! :''[Omi and Dyris touch the Wu at the same time]'' :'''Dyris''': ''[pops out of the water]'' Back away! It's mine! :'''Omi''': No. It is a Xiaolin Showdown! :'''Dyris''': I'll wager my Fist of Tebigong against your Gills of Hamachi. :'''Omi''': The game is Steal the Wu. Whoever takes the other's Wu first wins. And we play it on dry land! :'''Klowfange''': You fool! You CAN'T let her out of the water! When on dry land, she turns to her true monstrous form! :'''Omi''': How bad can she be? ''[turns around seeing Dyris in her true form]'' Oh. That bad. ''[sighs]'' Let's go! Xiaolin Showdown! === The Black Vipers [2.15] === :'''Clay''': ''[After setting Raimundo on fire]'' I'm sorry, Rai, I couldn't help it. I smell my favourite meal and I- :'''Kimiko''': EVERY meal is your favourite meal, Clay! :'''Raimundo''': I can't believe your first loyalty is to a pork chop! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The group are tied to the ceiling upside down]'' :'''Jessie''': Well it looks like our uninvited guests have decided on an extended stay in the HOSPITALITY suite. :'''Omi''': Why, thank you! That sounds most inviting! Where do we go? :'''Raimundo''': Omi, we're already in the hospitality suite. :'''Omi''': Oh. I see. Perhaps I am misunderstanding the meaning of hospitality. :'''Kimiko''': Or the meaning of sarcasm. :'''Omi''': Oh, darn this sarcasm! It always seems to grab my goat! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jack''': Yes! I get this makes me queen! :''[Everyone in the room looks at him oddly; a girl laughs]'' :'''Jack''': ...King. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Omi''': ''[sighs]'' This is the most disappointing event turning since the last... :'''Raimundo''': Is it possible you're going for TURN OF EVENTS? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Clay and Jessie rush over and touch the bag of Wu at the same time]'' :'''Jessie''': Looks like if you want your rewards, you and me are gonna have a Xiaolin Showdown. :'''Clay''': I accept. Your Silk Spitter against my Changing Chopsticks. :'''Jessie''': The game is Demolition Viper Bike Derby! First to make it out in one piece, wins. :'''Clay''': Let's just get this over with. Let's go. Xiaolin Showdown! === The Emperor Scorpion Strikes Back [2.16] === :''[Jack has copied himself with the Ring of Nine Dragons]'' :'''Old-looking Jack''': Foul! :'''Jack and Fat Jack''': I didn't touch you! :'''Fat Jack''': Did not... ''[they start fighting, old Jack also fights]'' :'''Wuya''': Stop! The Ring of Nine Dragons is for creating evil, not for copying yourself for your own amusement, or picking your teeth! ''[While big headed Jack does so]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kimiko''': Omi, what happened? :'''Omi''': I am afraid, uh… Mala Mala Jong has come to life. :'''Raimundo''': I can't believe we got here too late. :'''Clay''': Oh, man, I feel more embarrassed than a mule at the Kentucky Derby. :''[Back at the Xiaolin Temple…]'' :'''Master Fung''': According to the scroll, the rise of Mala Mala Jong will allow a new Shen Gong Wu to be revealed. It is called the Emperor Scorpion. Whoever possesses it will have control over ''all'' Shen Gong Wu. If we can find it, we can use it to break Mala Mala Jong apart before it turns into the Fearsome Four. :'''Raimundo''': Excellent! Great ending and not too long. Dragged a little in the middle though. :'''Kimiko''': Don't get too excited, Raimundo. Here comes the bad part. :'''Master Fung''': If the Emperor Scorpion falls into the wrong hands, the Fearsome Four will be unstoppable. This will be our ''only'' chance to save the world from certain destruction. :'''Raimundo''': Why does there always have to be a bad part? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jack''': Hello, Xiaolin losers! Ready to admit defeat? :'''Omi''': Never! I will defeat you and the Fearsome Four! :'''Jack''': ''[mimicking Omi]'' "I will defeat you and the Fearsome Four." ''[gets in Omi's face]'' Dude, get over yourself! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kimiko''': I can't believe how badly we messed up. :'''Raimundo''': Now that Spicer is in control of the Fearsome Four there's no stopping him. :'''Clay''': Yeah. It's not everyday a fella is responsible for the end of the world. :'''Omi''': No! Stop! When Mala Mala first came together I could've called for your help. It is my fault. But I...ah choose to do it alone. I may have forgotten to mention that before. :'''Raimundo''': It dosen't matter now...woah! :''[Omi, Raimundo, Kimiko, and Clay are off the ball and they're falling on a ground]'' :'''Master Fung''': Working together is more then just fighting together. It is knowing how to use each other 's strengths wisely. :'''Raimundo''': Hey, could somebody please translate. :'''Clay''': Well, I reckon Master Fung is speaking of our elements. :'''Kimiko''': In other words, we should focus on what we do best. :'''Dojo''': Cheer up, kiddo. You'll get another chance to save the world. <hr width="50%"/> : ''[After falling on ground while trying to stop Star Hanabi]'' :'''Raimundo''': Dojo, dude, how come you didn't just fly? :'''Dojo''': [With Clay's pants on head] Good idea. Just a little late. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jack''': Fearsome Four! I command you to...''[thinks]'' laugh evilly! ''[they laugh]'' Now laugh evilly while... hopping on one leg! ''[they do so]'' :'''Wuya''': Stop playing, Jack! :'''Jack''': In a minute. Now, laugh evilly while TAP DANCING! ''[the Fearsome Four dance and laugh as music plays in the background]'' === The Return of PandaBubba [2.17] === :'''Kimiko''': Omi, look! Over there. It's the Tohomiko Electronics skyscraper! :'''Omi''': Tohomiko? That sounds most familiar to my ears. :'''Kimiko''': Hello? That's my last name. :'''Omi''': Oh? I never thought of you with a last name. :'''Kimiko''': And that's my Papa's building. :'''Clay''': ''[In amazement]'' Your daddy is Toshiro Tohomiko the video game tycoon?! :'''Kimiko''': Yeah, I can't wait to introduce you all to him, he's super cool! :'''Raimundo''': And super rich! ''[His eyes turn into dollar symbols]'' ''(To Kimiko)'' Did I ever tell you that you are my favorite monk? :'''Omi''': ''(gigantic sad face)'' I thought I was your favorite... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Omi''': These workers appear most focused on their work. And their eyes- they have the same 'nobody is home' look as Raimudo when he does his chores :'''Raimundo''': ''[offended]'' Yeah, well... you're short and you have a big head. === The Last Temptation of Raimundo [2.18] === :''[Jack is asleep]'' :'''Wuya''': Jack, fire the laser! Jack! :'''Jack''': ''[He wakes up, screaming]'' Wuya! With you it's hard to tell if I'm coming out of a nightmare or going into one! :'''Wuya''': Just shut up and fire the laser. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kimiko''': Poor Rai. We've got to find him. Just so I can give him a piece of my mind! :'''Master Fung''': We must not be too hard on Raimundo. It is the Shen Gong Wu that is controlling him. :'''Omi''': Yes, but if he had not used the Golden Tiger Claws in the first place, we would not be down the lake with no paddles! :'''Dojo''': Hey, kids! Special news bulletin! I did a little recon over Brazil and it turns out there ''WAS'' a lava flow. If it wasn't for a certain hero we all know, one village would be toast! :'''Kimiko''': So, Raimundo was telling the truth? That's a first. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jack''': Um, once you become Raimundo, are you a he or a she? I just wanna get my pronouns straight! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Wuya''': ''[During a Xiaolin Showdown]'' Shroud of Shadows! :'''Kimiko''': Hey! That's cheating! That wasn't one of the Shen Gong Wu wagered! :'''Wuya''': You're fighting evil. What do you expect? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jack''': Hey, usually I'm the one who messes up a Xiaolin Showdown. Looks like the shoe's on a different foot...if you had a foot. ''[chuckles, Wuya gets angry as she flies through his face, creeping him out]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Omi''': We will always listen to you...no matter how stupid your excuse may be. === The Year of the Green Monkey [2.19] === :'''Monkey''': Mind turning down the volume? Some of us are trying to get a little shuteye. :'''Omi''': ''[Using the Tongue of Saiping]'' In the middle of the day? You are a very lazy animal! :'''Rabbit''': Huh, what a mouth on someone so small. :'''Omi''': I am not small, I am compact! :'''Bird''': Yeah, anymore 'compact' and we'd need a microscope to find you! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Master Fung''': The Fountain of Hui has just revealed itself. When activated, it provides unlimited knowledge. :'''Kimiko''': Sounds like a pretty handy Wu if you're doing a crossword puzzle. :'''Master Fung''': I'm afraid by itself, it can only provide random information. But, when combined its sister Shen Gong Wu the Eagle Scope, the two can be used to unlock the greatest secrets of the universe. :'''Omi''': You mean like why baboons have such colorful buttocks? :'''Master Fung''': Yes, and even greater secrets. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jack Spicer''': Tongue of Saiping! Monkeys, attack! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Omi''': Now I understand! Jack is only a mere puppy! :'''Raimundo''': ...Puppet, I'm guessing. === The Demon Seed [2.20] === :'''Vlad''': I hear Wuya dump you, again. :'''Jack Spicer''': ''[Imitating Vlad]'' "I jear Wuya dump you!" Nobody hears Wuya dump me, because I dump Wuya. :'''Vlad''': That is not what they say on Internet! :'''Jack Spicer''': ''[Excitedly]'' I'm on the Internet? :'''Vlad''': Da, in warrior chat rooms everywhere! You big laughing stock! Now when person loses everything, new hip thing to say is 'Aw, I got Jacked!' ''[Laughs evilly]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kimiko''': It's Spicer, he took the seed! :'''Clay''': And the hotdogs! Come back here with them doggies you no good, low down snake, you yellow bellied, dirty little side winder. I'm gonna get you! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Vlad''': What you know about Heylin Seed? :'''Jack Spicer''': I read something about it in ''Evil Seeds and Gardens''. Why? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Raimundo''': I bet he writes those on the palm of his hand. ''[Kimiko snickers]'' :'''Master Fung''': No Raimundo, I write them inside my eyelids. That is why I blink often ''[Blinks rapidly]'' :'''Dojo''': ''[Pops out of Raimundo's shirt]'' B-U-S-T-E-D. Ooooohhhh! ''[Shudders]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Raimundo''': Whoo! ''C'est la vie'', Salad-Breath! === The New Order [2.21] === :'''Chase Young''': You have learned well, Omi. :'''Omi''': Well, I WAS taught by the best! :'''Chase Young''': Thank you. :'''Omi''': I was speaking of Master Fung!! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jack Spicer''': H-hey, hey! H-how'd you get all the way over here when...I...left you...over there? === The Apprentice [2.22] === :'''Clay''': How do you manage to win every game? :'''Omi:''' That is most simple: I cheat. ''[they all look at him]'' No, no, I am a betrayer when I say I cheat. :'''Raimundo''': How do we know that you're not betraying us now, Omi? :'''Omi''': ''[seriously]'' Because, Raimundo, you are all my friends, and I could never betray my friends. ''[Laughs, knocking his head at the table]'' Ha ha ha, I have mastered deception! Let's play again! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Omi''': I knew you would twice-cross me! So I twice-crossed you first! :'''Raimundo''': That's double-crossed, but I think we get the idea. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Omi''': Oh, thank you, Master Fung. I promise I will not let you up. :'''Master Fung''': Down. :'''Omi''': In every direction. === Something Jermaine [2.23] === :'''Jermaine''': ''[After Jack gets the Manchurian Musca]'' Yo, Omi, you must be trippin'. :'''Omi''': I am not taking a trip! :'''Jermaine''': Your hotdogging cost us a Shen Gong Wu! :'''Omi''': Are you saying it is BECAUSE OF ME?! :'''Jermaine''': I'm saying, some poser may need a refresher course on how to be a Xiaolin warrior. :'''Omi''': A refresher course!? I should be TEACHING the refresher course! :'''Jermaine''': Man, you got an ego bigger than that dome of yours. :'''Omi''': Nothing is bigger than my dome! And I thank you to leave my dome OUT OF IT! :'''Jermaine''': Can you believe this guy man? :'''Dojo''': Hey, there are three things I've learned not to talk about. Religion, politics and Omi's head. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dojo''': No winner!? What a rip-off! You wouldn't see this in the old days! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dojo''': Boys and girls, let me tell you a story about these two dragon buddies. Always seen together, like peas and carrots. :'''Raimundo''': Is this story gonna be long or short? :'''Dojo''': It'll take as long as it takes! :'''Clay''': "Clay and Kimiko" Long story. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Omi''': I order you to spill your internal organs right now!! :'''Jack''': ''[screamed]'' What kind of sick people are you!? :'''Raimundo''': I think he means spill your guts. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jack''': Hey, I want my stuff back. :'''Tubbimura''': No, I will keep everything. :'''Jack''': Think again, bubba. I press enter and doggy breath is a UFM. Unidentified flying Muffinface! :'''Tubbimura''': No! Not my Muffinface! Ok, ok, I will return your stuff. === Dangerous Minds [2.24] === :'''Master Fung''': ''[As the temple collapses]'' Remember, the fate of the world rests with you! :'''Raimundo''': Is it me or does the fate of the world rest with us a lot? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jack''': What do you think the spiders want with us? :'''Raimundo''': Dude, we're in their web. Take a guess. :'''Jack''': ''[Understanding]'' I DON'T WANT A SPIDER TO EAT ME! :'''Clay''': Chill, evil partner! Spiders don't eat people! They desiccate you, suck out all your fluids until nothing is left. ''[Clay dried up and the others staring at him]'' What? Can't a cowboy have a hobby? :'''Jack''': I don't want to be...what he said! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Omi''': Hurry, everyone! Take my hand! :'''Jack''': I have a better idea! I'll take the Golden Tiger Claws! :'''Kimiko''': Jack, you jerk! :'''Jack''': Too late, Xiaolin has-been! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Clay''': Get a move on! They're gaining on us! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dojo''': I tell you. You should a seen me in action. Those spiders will think twice before messing with this dragon, again! Baba bing. ''[chuckles]'' '''AAAAHHHHHH!''' :'''Raimundo''': ''[Laughs]'' Dojo, you should a seen yourself! :'''Kimiko''': Rai, that wasn't very nice. :'''Raimundo''': ''[scoffs]'' How can anyone be so afraid of a spider? :''[A spider sits on Raimundo's shoulder. Raimundo screams, and hides behind baskets. Kimiko & Dojo laugh]'' :'''Dojo''': What a pansy! :'''Omi''': Tongue of Saiping! Thank you for you assistance, my small friend. ''[he gives a high-five on a spider]'' === Judging Omi [2.25] === :'''Dojo''': We got a category 5 Wu alert. The Ying Yo-Yo just revealed itself. :'''Master Fung''': The Ying Yo-Yo is one of the lesser-known. Shen Gong Wu. It acts as a portal to the Ying-Yang World-- a parallel universe with laws of its own. One must remain cautious. Its powers are not fully understood. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kimiko''': I was hoping we'd all rise together. :'''Omi''': ''[Looking sad]'' Aw, me too. ''[Then looking happy]'' That is why I will work extra hard teaching you until that day comes when you too are ready to become Wudai Warriors. :'''Clay''': Whoa, partner, and what makes you so sure YOU'RE the chosen one? :'''Omi''': ''[Laughing]'' Is it not obvious? Who else is it going to be? Raimundo? :''[Raimundo's head turns red and inflates while his hair starts to burn. Clay removes his hat, revealing a glass of water and he pours it on Raimundo's head. Raimundo gives Clay a thumbs-up.]'' :'''Omi''': I am sorry. I was not laughing at you but with you. :'''Raimundo''': I'm not laughing. :'''Kimiko''': Here's a wild thought. Maybe it's me. :'''Omi''': But you are a girl. ''[The others gasp]'' AAAAH! :''[Chaos ensues, ending with Omi beaten up on the floor]'' :'''Raimundo''': ''[Wincing]'' Nyah... :'''Kimiko''': And your point? :'''Omi''': Nothing, I like girls. ''[He passes out]'' === Saving Omi [2.26] === :'''Dojo''': Very interesting... it says here that Alexander The Great had seven toes on one foot and three on the other. :'''Raimundo''': What about Omi? :'''Dojo''': Well, I'm pretty sure he has five on each. But I've never taken a closer look. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dojo''': It maybe be time use our secret weapon: The Sweet Baby Among Us! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Heylin Omi''': If only I did not have to sleep! Then I could fight 24/7! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Omi''': Kimiko, Raimundo, Clay, I was ready to humiliate you in battle, but I have no idea why. :'''Kimiko''': It’s OK, Omi. It’s just good to have you back. :'''Jack''': Omi, I missed you so. :'''Omi''': OK, now I am most confused. :'''Dojo''': Jack brought the Reversing Mirror into the Ying Yang World. Instead of coming out whole, he must have left behind all of his evil. :'''Chase Young''': I hate to interrupt such a nauseating moment, but we have some serious evil left on the agenda. :'''Clay''': You have got no hold on Omi. He’s got his Chi back, and you ain’t getting your grubby hands on it. :'''Chase Young''': Omi swore his loyalty to me. :'''Kimiko''': He wasn’t himself back then. :'''Raimundo''': Omi is going nowhere. Except back home with us. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Chase Young (Reptile form)''': Heylin Memory Recall! :'''Omi''': ''[In recall]'' I do swear my loyalty to you. ''[End of recall]'' Wait. Chase Young is right. As a Xiaolin Monk, I am bound by my word. :''[Kimiko, Clay, Raimundo, and Jack gasped]'' :'''Omi''': I have no choice but to stay. == Season 3 (2005-2006) == === Finding Omi [3.1] === :'''Dojo''': I hate the ''AWAY'' games. The crowd's always against you. :''[Wuya cheering]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Chase Young (Reptile form) and Omi (Cat form)''': ''[in unison]'' Goat Biting Tail! Horse Skipping Pebble! Cat Playing Fiddle! Duck Flipping Burgers! :'''Omi (Cat form)''': Sparrow Eating Hot-Dog! ''[he then jumps off the rock]'' :'''Chase Young (Reptile form)''': ''[Sitting on the rock, surprised]'' Sparrow Eating Hot-Dog? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Omi''': No! It appears you have taught me too well! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Chase Young''': I think the evil inside you is stronger than you think. :'''Omi''': The good in you may be stronger then you know. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Master Fung''': That is correct. Only ONE would rise, but not until you worked together AS one. :'''Dojo''': I don't know about you, but I think he makes this stuff up as he goes along. ''[laughs to himself]'' === Bird of Paradise [3.2] === :'''Omi''': We may be outside, but we are not down. :'''Raimundo''': I think he means we're down but not out. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bird of Paradise''': I have given you the greatest gift of all. :'''Clay''': Farm equipment? === The Life and Times of Hannibal Roy Bean [3.3] === :'''Kimiko''': Wuya, I challenge you to a Xiaolin Showdown! The game is Meteor Shower. The first to reach the Moby Morpher wins! :'''Wuya''': And to make it interesting, I wager my Ying Yo-Yo against your Yang Yo-Yo! :'''Chase Young''': You never mention you have the Ying Yo-Yo. :'''Wuya''': Oh. Didn't I? Must've slipped my mind. :'''Omi''': Kimiko, remember, if you enter the Ying-Yang World without both Wu, you will come out evil! :'''Dojo''': And if you enter ''evil,'' you come out good. We may need a score card for this one. :'''Kimko & Wuya''': ''[in unison]'' LET'S GO! XIAOLIN SHOWDOWN! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dojo''': Maybe I should take over. I'd like to leave the parallel universe in one piece. :'''Omi''': Do you know how to fly the Silver Manta Ray? :'''Dojo''': Please, I was flying before I could crawl. I'm not just a mystical dragon. I'm also a certified pilot! :'''Raimundo''': Good enough for me! She's all yours, pappy! :'''Dojo''': Now, let's see if we can pick up the pace a little! :''[Silver Manta Ray falling and everybody screaming]'' :'''Dojo''': Don't worry!! I've got everything under control!! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Raimundo''': Clay, you know about tractors, maybe you can fix the Silver Manta Ray. :'''Clay''': Oh, sure Rai, yeah. Tractors and mystical flying transports are like two peas from the same pod. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Omi''': So it appears that it was not Jack who acted so stupid as to free Hannibal Bean, it was ''[realising]'' ME?! :'''Hannibal [as Jack]''': You got it sweet pea. Moby Morpher! ''[He turns back into his real form]'' :'''Omi''': Enough chat chit! Today victory is mine Hannibal Bean! :'''Kimiko''': This hardly seems like a fair fight. :'''Hannibal''': True. Perhaps I should fight with my eyes closed. :''[It then cuts to Kimiko and Omi who look very ticked-off]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hannibal [as Clay]''': Uhh... what in tarnation are you doin’? :'''Chase Young''': I’m ending what I should have ended years ago. :'''Omi''': Nooooooooo! :'''All''': Hyah! Unh! Hyah! :'''Hannibal [as Clay]''': Moby Morpher! ''[He turns back into his real form]'' Nice to see you again, Chase. Hey, thanks for the assistance. Maybe one day I’ll return the favor. ''[Continues sinister laughter]'' :'''Clay''': ''[Muffled]'' I’m afraid we got big problems, pardner. :'''Omi''': I know. You ripped the words from inside my mouth. :'''Chase Young''': You fools! You don’t know what you’ve done. You have unleashed the greatest evil the world has ever seen. :'''Raimundo''': Hmmph! Sounds like end of the world time...again. :'''Chase Young''': No. it is far worse than that. === Omi Town [3.4] === :'''Omi''': Now Dojo, you shouldn't kiss a horse on the lips before it gives you its' presents. ''[They all stare blankly]'' . :'''Kimiko''': Oh, kiss a gift horse on the mouth. :'''Everyone''': Ohhhh. :'''Dojo''': ''[Puzzled]'' I thought it was 'look a gift horse in the mouth'. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dojo''': Whoa! I wonder what my Great-Great-Great-Great Uncle Tiamat sent me? ''[he unwrapped the present]'' His bones. How thoughtful. <hr width="50%"/> :''' Jack''': Hey! You're not supposed to be here! :'''Omi''': Well, what comes in circles goes the other way in circles. ''[Everyone stares at him]'' :'''Wuya''': Somebody translate! I'll be up all night. :'''Clay''': I'm guessing "what goes around comes around. :'''Wuya''': Oh, please. That wasn't even close. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Raimundo''': Yeah, but I'm not sure, they're exactly what Omi's expecting <hr width="50%"/> :'''Omi''': ''MY LAST NAME IS CRUD?!'' '''''OMI CRUD?!?!?!?!?!''''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Chase Young''': Good morning, little monk. I'm not here to fight you, little monk, but to warn you. :'''Omi''': Warn me? :'''Chase Young''': Do you know where the other monks are? :'''Omi''': Asleep? :'''Chase Young''': They're in trouble and will your help. :'''Omi''': I do not believe you. :'''Chase Young''': Look, into the crow's eyes. :''[The crow zooms in and shows Omi that Jack Spicer, Wuya and Hannibal Roy Bean are planning to raid the temple]'' :'''Omi''': Why are you telling me this? :'''Chase Young''': Just something I thought you ought to know, in case you wanted to do anything about it. :'''Omi''': You want me to leave my parents and forfeit my honor. But I will not even they are old, fat and smelly. They need me and tonight I have to clean their teeth. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hannibal''': You're talkin' to Hannibal Roy Bean. :'''Raimundo''': Oh, Yeah! Well listen mister musical fruit I eat beans for lunch. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Omi and Omi robot mother touch the Shen Gong Wu at the same time]'' :'''Omi''': ''[shocked]'' Mother?! :'''Robot Mother''': I challenge you to a Xiaolin Showdown. The game is Bamboo Hopping. First to fall, loses. :'''Omi''': ''[heartbroken]'' My mother…on the side of evil? :'''Robot Mother''': When you're a parent, you'll understand. I wager my Orb of Tornami against your Lasso Boa-Boa. :'''Omi''': How'd you get my Orb?! :'''Robot Mother''': I went through your pocket when you were clipping your father's toenails. :'''Omi & Robot Mother''': ''[in unison]'' Let's go! XIAOLIN SHOWDOWN! === Treasure of the Blind Swordsman [3.5] === :'''Guardian''': ''[As he's being kidnapped]'' Hey! Who is that? Where am I? I need to use the bathroom. :'''Wuya''': ''[To Jack]'' What about the treasure chest? :'''Guardian''': What?! That's disgusting! ''[Pauses]'' You- you were talking to me? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jack''': ''[Doing a crossword]'' What's a four-letter word for idiot? :'''Wuya''': Jack. :'''Jack''': Perfect! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Omi is stuck to a cactus]'' :'''Kimiko''': Omi! Are you okay? :'''Omi''': ''[cringing]'' I have a thousand needles in my backside! '''''WHAT DO YOU THINK?!''''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Blind Swordsman''': You have summoned the spirit of the Blind Swordsman, loyal to whoever possesses the treasure chest. :'''Raimundo''': So, how about showing us how to use our new weapons? :'''Blind Swordsman''': Open your mind and trust that your weapon will show you the way. :'''Omi''': Shimo Staff! Ha! Oh ho! My weapon and I are most magnificent! ''[smooch]'' :'''Clay''': Big Bang Meteorang, do your stuff! Ha! Huh? Whoo! Well, I'll be a 3-legged centipede! :'''Kimiko''': Arrow Sparrow! ''[Boom]'' Burn, baby, burn! :'''Raimundo''': Blade of the Nebula! Huh? Hah! Whoo! I got the power! Hoo! Hoo! I got the power! :'''Omi''': Come, Dojo. We must rescue the blind old man at once! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Blind Old Man''': Perhaps you? I'd like to surrender now. :'''Jack''': Perhaps you? I'd like to keep your disses to yourself, four-eyes! :''[Record scratches]'' :'''Wuya''': He's blind! :'''Jack''': Even better! Time to double-team, Mr. No-eyes! Ha ha! Jack's on an evil rant now! Thorn of Thunderbolt! :'''Wuya''': Silk Spinner! :'''Blind Old Man''': Mantis Flip Coin! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Blind Old Man''': ''[Sighs]'' Again with the questions. It is quite simple. I use my mind to see rather than my eyes. ''[pauses]'' '''''DIDN'T YOU HEAR ME BEFORE?''''' That is the secret to the treasure chest. The answers to all your questions lie inside. You just have to look. === Oil in the Family [3.6] === :'''Omi''': We cannot just stand by and watch Wuya and Jack being chewed up by a big dinosaur. :'''Kimiko''': You're right. Someone better get the camcorder. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Raimundo''': No, the old hag won't think small like that. She'll be thinkin'... :'''Clay''': Yeah, anyway, Raimundo. Where I come from we have a sayin' follow the oil. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Clay''': Dojo, you're practically one of them critters! Have any ideas? :'''Dojo''': ''[Indignantly]'' I BEG YOUR PARDON! That's like me saying you're practically a monkey. Just because she speaks with a British accent doesn't make her smart, like a dragon! We fly, breathe fire and chew with our mouths closed! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Omi''': The jig is down! You're at the top of your rope! Spoon over that Wu! ''[Pauses, everyone stares at him]''. :'''Jack''': Oooh, oh! I got it! The jig is up, you're at the end of your rope, fork over the Wu! ''[Starts dancing and brings out an evil genius ribbon]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Wuya''': Jack, use your Shen Gong Wu! :'''Jack''': Changing Chopsticks! ''[shrinks Wuya]'' :'''Wuya''': Not ''me'' you fool! :'''Jack''': Changing Chopsticks! ''[shrinks himself]'' :''[Wuya kicks Jack in the butt and Jack uses the Changing Chopsticks, making themselves normal-sized again]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[T-Rex merely eats it and fires it Kimiko she protect herself, Omi, Raimundo, Clay and Dojo]'' :'''Kimiko''': ''[distance]'' WUDAI FIRE SHIELD! ''[As the fire hits leaks in the oil tank, causing an explosion]'' :''[The fallen Ruby of Ramses and Rio Reverso drop to two separate places, and the dinosaur runs towards the Rio Reverso]'' :'''Kimiko''': If we don't do something, we would wind up the ones extinct. :'''Raimundo''': I got us into this but this time I got a plan. ''[slip n' slides on the oil, swipes the Ruby of Ramses Wu and he and the T-Rex touch the Rio Reverso together]'' T-Rex, I challenge you to a Xiaolin Showdown! My Ruby of Ramses against your Changing Chopsticks. :'''T-Rex''': Jolly good. The game is Jurassic Chess. :'''Raimundo & T-Rex''': ''[in unison]'' Let's go! Xiaolin Showdown! === The Return Of Master Monk Guan [3.7] === :'''Dojo''': You're...sending...me...away!? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Master Fung''': I assure you that I will be here when you get back. :'''Dojo''': That's what my last master said when he went to for a soda and never returned! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Master Monk Guan:''' You will do as I say, and never, EVER ask questions. '''DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR!?''' :'''All:''' YES, MASTER MONK GUAN! :'''Master Monk Guan:''' Good. Now, any questions? ''[Raimundo raises hand]'' '''HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND!? WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT QUESTIONS!?''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Omi''': What wise saying do you have for us? :'''Master Fung''':...I have none. :'''Raimundo''': C'mon, you can whip out one of those old cheesy sayings...''[Master Fung makes an angry face]''...that we all love. :'''Master Fung''': I am afraid I am out of any 'cheesy sayings'. :'''Dojo''': If you want I can give you your file. ''[Pulls out an extremely large folder of paper. Master Fung makes another angry face]'' Not that you would need a file like that. ''[hides folder with a wide grin]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Omi''': This cannot be happening...Our Bobo is turning to the darkside. Again! :'''Raimundo''': The name is Raimundo. Not Bobo! :'''Clay''': Raimundo, what in the Sam Hill are ya doin? :'''Kimiko''': We're your friends. :'''Raimundo''': I got all the friends I need right here. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hannibal''': Poor little guy is like a fish outta water! ''[evilly laughing]'' === The Dream Stalker [3.8] === : '''Omi''': Solution is most simple! Raimundo must never sleep again! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Omi''': During my shift, I shall keep you awake with the most ancient training method known as ''[hold a bucket of cold water]'' DODGE THE BUCKET OF ICE WATER! :'''Raimundo''': Huh? ''[cold water hits his face, which get frosted with ice]'' '''''WHOA!''''' :''[Omi breaks the ice off of Raimundo, who shivers]'' :'''Omi''': You may need some practice, even though you will never be as good as me. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Raimundo:''' ''(yawns)'' Would it kill ya to get some reclining seats, Dojo. :'''Dojo:''' Please return all complaints to their full shut-up position, as we approach our final destination: Jack Spicer's lair. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kimiko''': Come on! Work it like you own it. :'''Raimundo''': I think I'm gonna ''(yawns)'' just freestyle. :'''Dojo''': Oooh, I got it! Trouble with a stuffed animal. Those things can get so surly. === Chucky Choo [3.9] === :'''Master Fung''': I miss you, too. But you must stop calling every 5 minutes! :'''Dojo''': Master Fung...who's that? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Master Fung''': Uh, Dojo, this is Frenchy Foo. Just an old friend passing through. :'''Dojo''': ''[gasps]'' Another dragon!? :'''Master Fung''': Dojo, it isn't like that. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Omi''': ''[To the Xiaolin monks]'' Monks, double your efforts....Raimundo...Triple yours. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dojo''': Great morning, young monks and the pitiful in need of assistance. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kimiko''': Wait, you know each other? :'''Dojo''': ''[to Chucky]'' You no good, yo-yo thief! :''[Chucky Choo screams as Dojo tackles him]'' :'''Omi''': I guess...will be yes. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Chucky Choo''': What do you say, Dojo? === Wu Got The Power? [3.10] === :'''Dojo''': The Denshi Bunny Wu is more impressive than it's name suggests. :'''Raimundo''': So, it doesn't make you a bunny? :'''Dojo''': Noooo. That would be just plain, silly. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jack Spicer''': Shadow Slicer, Shadow Slicer, Shadow Slicer, Shadow Slicer. :''[Omi, Kimiko, Raimundo, and Clay dives at Jacks, but it was a Shadow Slicer hologram]'' :'''Jack Spicer''': Jack is on his game. Smell you later, losers! ''[laughing while he flies off with their Shen Gong Wu]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jack Spicer''': That's brilliant! Why didn't I think of that? :'''Hannibal Roy Bean''': My guess, an extra chromosome. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Omi''': Well, too prove myself worthy of being your leader. I must solve of your elemental Shen Gong Wu. :'''Raimundo''': You did what!? :'''Master Fung''': Omi, that was most unwised. So much un-restrength power could lead to great dangers. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hannibal Roy Bean''': I hate to rain on your parade snowball, but I do not think so! === Hannibal's Revenge [3.11] === :'''Master Fung''': Hannibal together with Wuya could mean the end of the world.. :'''Raimundo''': Where have I heard the before? Oh yeah! "PREVIOUSLY ON XIAOLIN SHOWDOWN"! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kimiko then shows Jack Spicer a video on her laptop]'' :'''Omi (imitating Wuya)''': Do not underestimate Jack Spicer. Those bubble-bots are genius. :'''Clay (imitating Chase Young)''': Spicer has taken his martial arts skills to a new level. :'''Raimundo''': ''[offscreen]'' Dojo, get out of that shot! :'''Kimiko (imitating Hannibal Roy Bean)''': He is truly evil incoming. :'''Jack Spicer''': Yes! It is time to make my move. Dark Prince Jack-o is back on top-o! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kimiko (disguised as Jack Spicer)''': I challenge you to a Xiaolin Showdown Trio! :'''Hannibal Roy Bean''': I'll wager my Moby Morpher against your Conch and Chase's Serpent's Tail. :'''Chase Young''': I will fight ''without'' Shen Gong Wu. :'''Kimiko (disguised as Jack Spicer)''': The game is Last To Drop Wins. ''[in unison with Hannibal and Chase]'' Let's go, Xiaolin Showdown! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kimiko (disguised as Jack Spicer)''': Mind Reader Conch! :'''Chase Young''': ''I locked away that foolish vegetable once I'll do it again'' :'''Hannibal Roy Bean''': You cross the wrong Bean, when you cross Hannibal Roy Bean! ''[Throws a big chunk of rock]'' :'''Kimiko (disguised as Jack Spicer)''': Mind Reader Conch! :'''Hannibal Roy Bean''': ''That Chase has girly hair, a real warrior shaves his head like me.'' :'''Chase Young''': Hah!, you could pour fertilizer on your head and nothing would grow! ''[smirking]'' :'''Hannibal Roy Bean''': ERRRRR! MOBY MORPHER!!! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Raimundo''': ''[To Kimiko (disguised as Jack Spicer)]'' Yeah, you go girl--''[shocked]'' boy. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Chase Young''': ''[To Kimiko (disguised as Jack Spicer)]'' You surprised me, Spicer. I'm rarely surprised, but never fooled. ''[Sniffs]'' By the way, love the perfume. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hannibal Bean''': I see you've brought your kittens to do your fighting. :'''Chase Young''': ''[Referring to Wuya]'' And I see you've brought my housekeeper to do yours. === Time After Time Part 1 [3.12] === :'''Dojo''': I have TENS all around! :'''Omi''': I suppose beating Jack in the most colorful manner is the tie-breaker! :''[all grin evilly at Jack as they converge on him]'' :'''Jack''': No, no! You can't! WHAT KIND OF PEOPLE ARE YOU?! ''[screaming as they attacking on him]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Raimundo''': You know, if it weren't for Chase, we'd be so much further along in our fight against evil. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Omi''': I fear I have ruined the future. :'''Old Master Fung''': Remember this young monk, the future can always be changed. :'''Old Raimundo''': Every once in a while, the old dude still spits out words of wisdom. But mostly he just spits. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Old Raimundo''': Guys, this is a test we've been waiting for. I'd say we breaking in the palace, and take back of Sands of Time. :'''Old Clay''': Oh, we're not exactly the lame mean rotten machine we'll will once more. :'''Old Raimundo''': First, you were never lean. And second, we're still Xiaolin warriors. We fought together once, and we can do it again. It's up to us now. The Shroud of Shadows! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Old Raimundo''': Kimiko, take the Denshi Bunny and turn yourself into a electricity. Then, travel through the wires until you'll find the Wu vault where Jack keeps his Wu. I used the conch to the location. :'''Old Kimiko''': What's that? Oh, never mind. I'll look around to see where Jack keeps this Wu. ''[coughs]'' Denshi Bunny. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Old Raimundo''': Omi! Use the Sands of Time! Make sure it never happens. Go! :'''Dojo''': Sands of Time! :''[Activates the Sands of Time to taking them back 1,500 years ago]'' :'''Omi''': ''[cries]'' No. === Time After Time Part 2 [3.13] === :'''Omi''': This is my HOME!? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Raimundo''': I'd much rather fight evil than mud-wrestle some pig. :'''Clay''': Woah there, partner. This is not "some pig". All pigs are special in their own way. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kimiko''': And what makes you so sure? :'''Clay''': That may be but it don't mean diddly, if we can't bust our way out of here. :'''Raimundo''': We can escape! If I drink the Lao Mang Lone Soup. :'''Kimiko''': No, you can't! It'll turn you evil! :'''Raimundo''': But it'll give you guys enough time to escape. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Raimundo''': So, we need to stop Omi from freezing himself into the future, so he won't go into the past, where he did what he did which resulted in what happened. Simple! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Raimundo''': No, I didn't come this far to lose. We will find a way to win. It's our destiny. :''[Jack Spicer falls from above while screaming and lands on the four villains as Omi, Raimundo, Kimiko and Clay walk backwards]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Raimundo''': The game is Rescue the Damsel in Distress. First to save the damsel wins. Let's go. :'''Both''': Xiaolin Showdown! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Omi''': Dojo, you're saved! :'''Dojo''': Oh, sweet prince. My hero! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kimiko''': What's going on?! :'''Raimundo''': My guess, two parallel universes running into each other in a cosmic timeline continuum power up. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Omi, Raimundo, Kimiko, Clay and Dojo shake their bodies after they return to the temple]'' :'''Master Fung''': I hope you have learned well from your quest. :'''Raimundo''': I'm not quite sure what just happened. But I'll know, I'll never forget it. :'''Omi''': What happened? Really happened? :'''Jack Spicer''': ''[screams when he appeared behind Clay while Raimundo and Kimiko turn their heads]'' I wanna go home! ''[screams as he starts to run out of the temple while he freaks out]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Last Lines, series finale]'' :'''Master Fung''': As I told you, a leader would rise from the quest, and now... one has. :''[Raimundo is suddenly lit up, and as he's engulfed by the light, his original red robes and his medallion soon disappear and are replaced with a black robe with a dragon on the sleeve and a red sash on him, revealing that he has become the official leader of the team]'' :'''Kimiko''': Way to go, Rai! ''[Jumps into his arms and kisses him on the cheek]'' :'''Clay''': You did it, partner! :'''Raimundo''': ''[He has look of amazement, Kimiko jumps into his arms and kisses him on the cheek]'' I-I don't know what to say. Except I never thought it would be me...''[Kimiko and Clay give him a look]''...Well maybe a little. :''[Raimundo then notices Omi standing behind Master Fung with a let down look on his face. However Omi comes out from behind Master Fung and sheds a few small tears... as from the moment Master Fung told Omi about the new students coming to the temple, Omi vowed to be a great leader. Omi, with tears in his eyes spreads a smile across his face. He and Raimundo bow to each other at the same time. Master Fung, Dojo, and the chosen ones smile too. Then, an explosion outside the temple occurs. Monks notice that every single villain they've encountered during the series are there with their original enemy, Jack Spicer smiling]'' :'''Master Fung''': ''[to chosen ones, especially Raimundo who's busy removing his bandages before taking a second to survey their enemies]'' Now that you have risen to Shoku Warrior, your job has only begun. The survival of the world depends on you. :''[With that, the team launch themselves into battle against the Heylins]'' :'''Dojo''': Not too much pressure there... :''[It then cuts to show Kimiko, Clay and Omi whose dots have begun to glow, running alongside each other and seconds later, Raimundo appears. As they edge closer, Raimundo then jumps into the air and prepares to launch a kick just as the screen goes black]'' :'''Omi, Kimiko, Raimundo, and Clay:''' HAAIIIYYA!!!!! == Cast == :[[w:Tara Strong|Tara Strong]] - Omi, Megan, and T-Rex :[[w:Tom Kenny|Tom Kenny]] - Raimundo Pedrosa, Hannibal Roy Bean, Grand Master Dashi, Vlad, Blind Old Swordsman, Evil Squirrel, and Klofange :[[w:Grey DeLisle|Grey DeLisle]] - Kimiko Tohomiko, Evil Doll, Betie, Dyris, Singing Old Lady, and Omi's Mom :[[w:Jeff Bennett|Jeff Bennett]] - Clay Bailey, Master Monk Guan, Mala-Mala Jong, Cyclops, Evil Granny Lily, Dude-Bot, Jessie Bailey, Toshiro Tohomiko, Gigi, Parrot, Omi's Dad, and Blind Old Man :[[w:Danny Cooksey|Danny Cooksey]] - Jack Spicer and Good Jack :[[w:Wayne Knight|Wayne Knight]] - Dojo Kanojo Cho :[[w:Rene Auberjonois|Rene Auberjonois]] - Master Fung (Season 1) :[[w:Maurice LaMarche|Maurice LaMarche]] - Master Fung (Season 2 & Season 3), Tubbimura, Raksha the Snowman, Fearsome Four, and Chucky-Choo :[[w:Susan Silo|Susan Silo]] - Wuya :[[w:Greg Baldwin|Greg Baldwin]] - Daddy Bailey :[[w:Lee Thompson Young|Lee Thompson Young]] - Jermaine :[[w:Jennifer Hale|Jennifer Hale]] - Katnappe :[[w:Kevin Michael Richardson|Kevin Michael Richardson]] - Pandabubba == See Also == * ''[[Xiaolin Chronicles|Xiaolin Chronicles]] == External links == {{wikipedia}} [[Category:2000s American animated TV shows]] [[Category:Traditionally animated TV shows]] [[Category:Anime-influenced Western animated TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated action TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated science fantasy TV shows]] [[Category:Cancelled shows]] [[Category:Kids' WB shows]] [[Category:Television series by Warner Bros. Animation]] j80wpnsdlecn1kweykrte6w8q3babng 3153181 3153180 2022-08-10T11:38:44Z 2600:1702:3460:3310:9548:B261:14C0:1015 /* Citadel of Doom [2.2] */ wikitext text/x-wiki '''''[[w:Xiaolin Showdown|Xiaolin Showdown]]''''' (2003-2006) is an animated television show about a group of four young Xiaolin monks: [[w:List_of_Xiaolin_Showdown_characters#Omi|Omi]], [[w:Kimiko_Tohomiko|Kimiko]], [[w:Raimundo_Pedrosa|Raimundo]] and [[w:Clay Bailey|Clay]] whose task is to collect powerful items known as [[w:Shen Gong Wu|Shen Gong Wu]] while battling the evil [[w:Jack Spicer (Xiaolin Showdown)|Jack Spicer]] and the ancient Heylin witch Wuya, who are also after the artifacts. == Season 1 (2003-2004) == === The Journey of a Thousand Miles [1.1] === :'''Narrator''': Thousands of years ago, a furious battle was waged between the great and noble Xiaolin Dragon Dashi and the evil Heylin witch Wuya. This was the first Xiaolin Showdown. Wuya pitted her dark magic against Dashi and his mystical power objects, the Shen Gong Wu. In the end, Dashi triumphed, and Wuya was forever imprisoned in a simple wooden puzzle box. The threat averted, Dashi spread his Shen Gong Wu around the earth. For generations, they have secretly maintained the balance of good and evil. And a long line of Xiaolin Dragons has stood ready to face evil, should that balance ever shift. <hr width=50%/> :''[at the Xiaolin Temple, must deal with the new recruits, Raimundo Pedrosa, Kimiko Tohomiko, and Clay Bailey]'' :'''Master Fung''': Omi, I would like you to meet Raimundo. :'''Raimundo''': ‘Sup? :'''Master Fung''': Kimiko. :'''Kimiko''': He said that? ''[gasped]'' Hey. No way! :'''Master Fung''': And Clay. :'''Clay:''' Howdy. :'''Omi''': Master, where are the new students? :'''Master Fung''': Right in front of you, Omi. :'''Omi''': They are not what I expected. :'''Master Fung''': The best things in life rarely are. :'''Omi''': You are right, master. Welcome, my new and strangely-attired friends. :'''Master Fung''': I must be going, young ones. I can see there is much teaching to be done here. :'''Omi''': Yes, master. Much teaching indeed. <hr width=50%/> :'''Omi''': What is that? Is it magic? :'''Kimiko''': It's a PDA. I'm sending a message to a friend in Tokyo. :'''Omi''': A ''secret'' message? :'''Kimiko''': Nah. I'm just telling her I met a very strange kid who apparently doesn't know about personal space issues. :'''Omi''': Really? Who? ''[Points at Clay]'' Is it that guy? :'''Clay''': Not me, partner. :'''Raimundo''': It's you, chrome dome. <hr width=50%/> :''[Meanwhile, meet the evil boy genius, Jack Spicer]'' :'''Jack''': I want to rule the whole world! All of it! Not some of it. Not just [[w:Iceland|Iceland]] or [[w:Fiji|Fiji]]. I wanna rule the whole world! :'''Jack-bot''': Pardon me, sir. :'''Jack''': What? Can’t you see I’m on an evil rant here? :'''Jack-bot''': Yes, sir, but your father sent you a gift from [[w:Hong Kong|Hong Kong]]. :'''Jack''': Oh, a puzzle box. Oh, let’s see. And my prize is...a mask? Lame. All right, back to world conquest. My favorite pastime. Now, let’s see. Europe might not be a bad place to start. Or is that too obvious? Could go in for the unexpected, like [[w:Paraguay|Paraguay]]. But is that enough of an attention grabber? Could go down through [[w:Africa|Africa]], over to [[w:South America|South America]] and... :'''Wuya''': Onward to [[w:Asia|Asia]]. :'''Jack''': ''[screamed in shock]'' Spooky ghost lady! Attack! :'''Wuya''': Plans for world conquest? My dear boy, we have much in common. What’s your name? :'''Jack''': Jack Spicer. Who are you? What are you? :'''Wuya''': Me? I’m your new best friend. <hr width=50%/> :'''Raimundo''': Right. Like we're gonna take directions from a gecko. :'''Dojo''': Gecko!? Don't ever call me gecko! :'''Raimundo''': Eh, my mistakes. <hr width=50%/> :'''Dojo''': Wuya! Wow, the years have not been kind to you. <hr width=50%/> :'''Master Fung''': It is your most solemn duty as Xiaolin Warriors to find all the Shen Gong Wu before Wuya does. :'''Raimundo''': ''[raises hand]'' I have a question. :'''Master Fung''': Yes, Raimundo? :'''Raimundo''': I saw my room, and no bed. Just a mat. What the dealy? ''[Everyone stares at him]'' Um, we can talk later... <hr width=50%/> :'''Dojo''': Can't believe I went from Temple Guardian to babysitter in less than a day! <hr width=50%/> :'''Omi''': And so our grand quest begins. Follow me, TO VICTORY! ''[From off-screen]'' I have no idea where I'm going. <hr width=50%/> :''[Raimundo turns off the game Omi is playing and Omi starts crying]'' :'''Omi''': YAAH! MY LITTLE FRIEND HAS BEEN TAKEN BY THE DARK FORCES OF ''EVIL!'' ''[to the game]'' Po-chi are you in there?!Can you hear the sound of my voice?! :''[Raimundo laughs and Kimiko punches him]'' :'''Kimiko''': Don't mess with the monk! :'''Raimundo''': ''[Grimacing]'' Girl, you hit hard! <hr width=50%/> :'''Raimundo''': It’s a what now? :'''Dojo''': A Xiaolin Showdown. It’s what happens when two warriors reach a stalemate over a Shen Gong Wu. Two words: Freak-y. :'''Omi''': Jack Spicer, I challenge you to a Xiaolin Showdown! I wager my Two-Ton Tunic against your Mantis Flip Coin. Whoever reaches the last stone first wins the Eye of Dashi. And the other Shen Gong Wu as well. :'''Wuya''': Accept the challenge. Accept it! :'''Jack''': I accept your challenge, Omi. :'''Omi''': Let’s go! Xiaolin Showdown! <hr width=50%/> :'''Dojo''': That’s a Xiaolin Showdown for ya. Always keeps you guessing. Gong Yi Tanpai! That means “go”. <hr width=50%/> :'''Master Fung''': You have all done exceptionally well. Wouldn’t you agree, Dojo? :'''Dojo''': Not bad, for amateurs. :'''Master Fung''': The journey of a thousand miles begins with but a single step. :'''Dojo''': Where do you get this stuff? :'''Master Fung''': I have a desk calendar. :'''Omi''': Master Fung, there are so many Shen Gong Wu left to be found. :'''Master Fung''': Your new friends will help. :'''Omi''': Oh, yes, master. I have already taught much to Kimiko, Raimundo, and Clay. :'''Master Fung''': But, Omi, they are here to teach you. :'''Omi''': But I am the chosen one. :'''Master Fung''': You aren’t the only chosen one, Omi. Someday your new friends may become Dragons, as well. Kimiko, the Dragon of Fire. Clay, the Dragon of Earth. And Raimundo, the Dragon of the Wind. :'''Omi''': Is this true, master? :'''Master Fung''': Yes, but I didn’t want to tell you until you were ready. :''[Omi groans]'' :'''Clay''': I don’t think he was ready. === Like a Rock! [1.2] === :'''Omi''': I foolishly and shamefully lost a quarter second on the sandbags. As you might say, I smell bad. :'''Raimundo''': I stink, not I smell bad. :'''Omi''': I stink? :'''Raimundo''': Yeah, and you smell bad, too. ''[laughs]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Clay''': Hmm, seems like the feller don't mean any harm. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dojo''': Ooh, that Fist of Tebigong must be close, 'cause I'm getting a wicked case of Shen Gong Wu rash! Yeah, it kinda itches here, but it's more burny down there, and behind the my tail I've got this unsightly cracking. I mean it, it's ooh. :'''Kimiko''': I meant with the location of the Shen Gong Wu! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jack Spicer''': First order of business when I rule the world: vaporize all mimes. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Raimundo''': There has gotta be some way outta here. Okay. Those walls are solid. :'''Kimiko''': Let me try. ''[she throws Raimundo on a mime wall]'' You're right. Those walls are solid. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Raimundo''': Well, this is nice, eh? The three of us friends having a few laughs together. But where’s our fourth friend, Mr. Clay? Oh, that’s right. <big><big>'''''HE'S LOSING THE FIST OF TEBIGONG TO JACK SPICER! DID YOU GUYS FORGET THAT?!'''''</big></big> <hr width="50%"/> :'''Raimundo''': So, Clay? Can I give the Eye of Dashi a try? :'''Clay''': Sure thing, Raimundo. :'''Omi''': What? Why? I should try it before you. I found it. :'''Raimundo''': Your snooze, your lose! :'''Omi''': Then perhaps, I'll try the Fist of Tebigong on your head! :'''Kimiko''': Guys, knock it off! Or I'll Third Arm Sash your mouths shut! === Tangled Web [1.3] === :'''Omi''': Yuck! This candy tastes most unpleasant! :'''Raimundo''': That 'cause it's lipstick. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dojo''': ''[shivering]'' This water's cold. I'm tellin' ya, I don't know how my cousin, Nessie, stands living here! 'Course, if you ask me, she likes all the attention! "Hey, look! It's the Loch Ness Monster!" :'''Scottish Man''': ''[offscreen]'' Hey, look! It's the Loch Ness Monster! :'''Dojo''': See? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Omi''': ''[reading the "Ancient Guide to Females"]'' Oh yes! Females are easily frightened! :'''Kimiko''': ''[obviously irked]'' You're lucky you're cute, Omi. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Omi''': I am very surprised Kimiko can lift such a heavy pot with her delicate female arms. :'''Kimiko''': ''[angry]'' '''WHAT!?!?''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Omi''': The Golden Tiger Claws are inside that palace? :'''Dojo''': That's what this rash is telling me. Ohhh. Wonder if there's an ointment for this? Ahhhh-hhhh! :'''Raimundo''': How do we get in there? :'''Clay''': Maybe if we knock on the door and ask real nice like? :'''Dojo''': That's the Emperor Palace. They don't just let anybody in there. We need connections! :'''Kimiko''': Oh, no worries. I'll call my dad. === Katnappe! [1.4] === :'''Jack Spicer''': Stay out of this Ashley. :'''Katnappé''': My evil name's Katnappe, doofus. :'''Jack Spicer''': Who you calling' doofus, Kitty Litter? :'''Katnappé''': Who you calling' Kitty Litter, Robo-freak? :'''Wuya''': Enough! Cease your bickering. <hr width="50%"/> : '''Dojo''': ''[after Omi's defeat]'' What happened? I blinked and missed it. <hr width="50%"/> : '''Katnappé''': See you, Xiaolin Warriors. I've got more shopping to do. Me-ow! : '''Dojo''': Except for the parts where she slapped us silly and got away, I think that went pretty well. === Shen Yi Bu [1.5] === :'''Jack''': Uh-huh, hmm. So, Mr. Tubbimura, tell us about yourself. Why should Jack Spicer, evil incorporated, hire you? :'''Tubbimura''': ''[Bowing]'' Hai. Well er, I have, as you can see, extensive experience wreaking havoc and destruction. :'''Jack''': Yeah not really looking for H and D. :'''Tubbimura''': Er, I also have solid grasp of mayhem. :'''Wuya''': Mayhem is good. :'''Jack''': There's always a need for mayhem. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tubbimura''': You must choose. Drop the Sword of the Storm or fall. :'''Raimundo''': 'Kay, I choose fall. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Master Fung''': You weren't defeated by your opponent Raimundo. :'''Raimundo''': Oh, no? Would you like to see the impression of his boot on my butt? :'''Master Fung''': ''[Hurriedly]'' Oh, that won't be necessary. You were defeated by your lack of knowledge. Remember, a drop of knowledge is more powerful than a sea of force. :'''Raimundo''': ''[Sighs]'' Can't anyone speak normally around here? :'''Master Fung''': Reflect on these things. As for me, I think I shall try my hand at Goo Zombies 2. === Chameleon [1.6] === :'''Clay''': Face it, Raimundo. He's all over you like stink on a skunk. :'''Raimundo''': Ah-ah! The master isn't through yet. Gotcha, don't I? :'''Omi''': No, the Ace is in your sleeve. I only hesitate because I'm thinking of Kimiko again. Or perhaps I should say, the one who ''calls'' herself Kimiko. :'''Raimundo''': You're tiger instincts are keen, bro. But your theory about Kim is… I don't know, it's-- :'''Clay''': Buggier than a June bug? :'''Raimundo''': Yeah, it's buggier than a June bug. :'''Omi''': No. I am sure of myself on this matter. But if you will not listen, perhaps Master Fung will. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Omi''': ''[points at Chameleon (disguised as Kimiko) taking the Shen Gong Wu to Clay and Raimundo]'' See? You see, you see, you see?! :'''Clay''': I see but…I do not wanna believe. :'''Raimundo''': NIFTY! I should've caught it at NIFTY! :'''Omi''': Imposter, show your true form! :'''Kimiko (Chameleon)''': How about if I show you this instead? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jack Spicer''': Jack Spicer, evil boy genius. ''[starts putting the Shen Gong Wu in his sack while singing a tune]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Clay''': Aw, man! That's the second hat this week. Now I'm mad! ''[starts huffing and puffing angrily]'' === Ring of the Nine Dragons [1.7] === :'''Jack''': Any idea where we're going? :'''Wuya''': No, but I could always glide through the walls, and peek ahead. :'''Jack''': N-not a good idea. :'''Wuya''': Why? You're not afraid of the dark, are you? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Omi''': My viper strike was not very good. :'''Dizzy Omi''': I never made it passed level 1. :'''Fat Omi''': I ate cookie dough all night. ''[burps]'' Oh. May I never be hungry again. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Omi''': Now remember, we must find the.. er... thingie! :'''Omi clones''': ''[scratching heads]'' Oh, yes, we must find, we have to find the thingie! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Master Fung''': I want them spotless, Omi. ''Spotless.'' ''[holds up a brush and gives Omi an angry look]'' :'''Omi''': ''[remorsefully]'' Yes, Master. Spotless. :''[Kimiko, Raimundo, and Clay watch from outside the kitchen]'' :'''Master Fung''': I will inspect your work in one hour. ''[leaves the kitchen, slamming the door shut]'' :'''Kimiko''': Wow, I've never seen Master Fung so upset. :'''Clay''': He looked as mad as a beaver in a petrified forest. :'''Omi''': Master Fung is right to be angry. ''[starts brushing]'' I have acted most shamefully. Because of my disobedience, we still only have one Shen Gong Wu. :'''Raimundo''': Yeah, true. ''[Kimiko angrily nudges him in the arm]'' Ow! What?! I'm just agreeing with what he said. Besides, maybe it's better this way. === Night of the Sapphire Dragon [1.8] === :'''Dojo''': Maybe I can be the dragon of…FIRE! :'''Kimiko''': Sorry, position's filled. :'''Dojo''': Then how 'bout soot? :'''Raimundo''': Soot? Not impressive. :'''Dojo''': And this is comin' from the wind guy? Ooh! How 'bout gas, huh? I eat a few cans o' beans and BAM! I'm in, baby! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Omi''': Ha! Right there! :'''Raimundo''': The Sapphire Dragon. :'''Omi''': The most dangerous Shen Gong Wu. It is only to be used as an absolute last resort. It will turn your enemy into a sapphire statue. :'''Raimundo''': And a guy next door, the old lady down the street, the kids at the playground. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After getting almost blasted by the sapphire dragon]'' :'''Raimundo''': You think he'd be grateful we rescued him from the volcano. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dojo''': Alright then, just remember, you asked for it! ''(panicking whimpering)'' === My Homey Omi [1.9] === :'''Omi:''' Oh, no! My friends are lost in New York City! How will they survive without ME?! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kimiko''': Dojo, anything you can do here? :'''Dojo''': Eh...uh, gee guys. I-I-I'm not big on trains. A-and that third rail really chafes. :'''Kimiko''': Dojo! :'''Dojo''': Okay, okay. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jermaine''': ''[To Jack]'' Are you afraid of getting whooped little boy? <hr width="50%"/> : '''Jack Spicer''': Okay, got the Shen Gong Wu. Now, a little vaporizing of our enemies, and we'll call it a day. === Big as Texas [1.10] === :'''Clay''': Hey, fellas. ''[sees his hat full of milk]'' Huh?! :'''Omi''': Only a 9 1/2 gallons. You get a free hat! :'''Clay''': RAIMUNDO!!! :'''Raimundo''': Think fast! ''[tosses the filled hat of milk at a furious Clay who chases him around the room]'' Hey, what's one hat compared to your best friend Raimundo's life? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Raimundo''': ''[cringing]'' What... did I just land in? :'''Clay''': That would be a cow pie. :'''Raimundo''': No! I know pies! Pies have cherry, or apple, or rhubarb! THIS IS NO PIE! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Daddy Bailey''': Clay, I reckon you've been a man longer than I realized :'''Jack''': ''[To Wuya]'' How come we don't have a relationship like that? :'''Wuya''': I'm not your mommy! Now pick up your toys Jackie, and let's go home. === Royal Rumble [1.11] === :'''Kimiko:''' Omi, please tell Clay that he's blocking my light. :'''Omi:''' Clay, I have a message from-- :'''Clay:''' Omi, tell Kimiko that I'll cast my shadow wherever I darn well please. :'''Omi:''' Kimiko, Clay responds-- :'''Kimiko:''' Tell Clay that maybe his shadow wasn't so fat and huge. :'''Omi:''' Clay, Kim-- :'''Raimundo:''' ''[fully annoyed]'' Omi, tell Kimiko ''and'' Clay that they're both ''[head enlarges]'' GIVING ME A HEADACHE! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Omi:''' My friends! Hearing the sound of your voices again will give me tremendous pleasure. :'''Kimiko:''' Omi! :'''Clay:''' Run! :'''Raimundo:''' It's a trap! :'''Omi:''' That did not give me as much pleasure as I had hoped. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jack:''' You know this trap would never have worked if I hadn't lost my Xiaolin Showdown in the first place. Wait, that didn't come out right. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Omi:''' Sun Chi Lantern! ''[absorbs his friends' chi energies]'' :'''Wuya:''' Stop him! He's merging his chi energy with the others! :'''Kimko's voice:''' FIRE! :'''Clay's voice:''' EARTH! :'''Raimundo's voice:''' WIND! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jack:''' Don't make me bust you up, little man. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kimiko''': We got the Serpent's Tail, the Orb of Tornami… :'''Clay''': The Longi Kite… :'''Raimundo''': And the Tongue of Saiping, which I do not recommend touching. === Mala Mala Jong [1.12] === :'''Wuya:''' Let me guess…you're downloading more of your vapid hippity-hop music. :'''Jack Spicer:''': ''[imitates buzzer]'' I'm working up a Shen Gong Wu spreadsheet so we can know who has what. Check it. We have the Eye of Dashi, they have the Tongue of Saiping. We have the Third Arm Sash, they've got the Longi Kite. And those really cool Golden Tiger Claws… Omi sent them to the Earth's core, so nobody has them. How do I file that one? :'''Wuya:''' I don't need a scorekeeper! I need someone who will retrieve the Shen Gong Wu and waist time with--wait! I am sensing a new Shen Gong Wu! ''[gasps]'' It is the most important of them all. The Heart of Jong! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jack Spicer:''' Smell ya later, losers! ''[Tries to fly off but has his foot caught in a lasso]'' :'''Clay:''' You'll smell us NOW, ya dirty snake! :'''Kimiko:''' Smell us now? :'''Raimundo:''' Clay's villain taunting needs some serious work. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Omi:''' Oh, yes. Squirrels are most fearsome opponents. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kimiko:''' Now what? we just camp out here and wait? :'''Dojo:''' How 'bout we "sing songs" Or-or tell "ghost stories" Or ah..oh, oh, oh, oh! I know. S'mores! :'''Raimundo:''' Mala Mala Jong could be attacking the temple right now. We should be fighting with Master Fung! :'''Omi:''' Master Fung order us to guard the Shen Gong Wu. :'''Raimundo:''' But... :'''Omi:''' All we can do is formulate a plan to defeat Mala Mala Jong in case... :'''Clay:''' Master Fung fails. === In the Flesh [1.13] === :'''Jack''': Hey you know what they say, finders keepers, losers weepers. :'''Omi''': The only one being a weeping loser is you Jack Spicer! And you Wuya! You shall weep over your loss as well! :'''Jack''': Wow! That is the lamest taunt ever. Stick to the jumping and kicking Omi. :'''Omi''': As you wish! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Raimundo:''' So, that's the way it's gonna be, huh? :'''Kimiko:''' You tell us, Raimundo. :'''Clay:''' You can always drop the Shen Gong Wu and leave. :'''Raimundo:''' Nah, I'm up for a Xiaolin slap down. :'''Omi:''' Raimundo, I am starting to think you are not enacting some sort of ''SECRET ELABORATE PLAN''. :'''Raimundo:''' Nothin' escapes you, Omi. :'''Omi:''' Not even you! :'''Raimundo:''' Wrong. == Season 2 (2004-2005) == === Days Past [2.1] === : '''Dojo:''' Hah! The joke's on you Wuya! You broke the Reversing Mirror. Seven years bad luck! In, your, face! : '''Wuya:''' Actually, since its the Reversing Mirror, its seven years good luck. : '''Dojo:''' Ooh, hadn't thought of that. Crud. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Omi:''' I am most confused. If you were just going to give me the pebble, why make me go through the whole Showdown? :'''Dashi:''' Two reasons. One, it was funny. :'''Dojo:''' True. :'''Dashi''': Two, to teach you something. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Wuya''': Crush them. :'''Dojo''': ''[girly shriek]'' A retreat might be in order, here!! === Citadel of Doom [2.2] === :'''Kimiko''': You...You...'''YOU'''!!... :'''Clay''': Doofus? :'''Kimiko''': ''[to Clay]'' Thank you. ''[to Jack]'' <big><big>'''YOU DOOFUS'''!</big></big> You trapped Omi in the past forever! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Wuya:''' How like Dashi to give you the tool but not the knowledge of how to use it. He always was a fool. A smart dresser, but a fool. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jack Spicer:''' Me? Fighting for good? In a bathrobe? Forget it. Next time we meet, we're enemies again. :''[Is about to fly off when Omi grabs his trenchcoat and gives him sad eyes.]'' :'''Jack Spicer:''' But maybe some time, if we're not fighting over Shen Gong Wu, we can all go for ice cream. My treat. :'''Omi:''' Yes that would be most nice. We could get a Monday! :'''Clay:''' Sundae. :'''Omi:''' Even better! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kimiko''': What's the matter, Rai? You look pretty bored for a guy who rules the world. :'''Raimundo''': What are you doing here!? Did you decide to join me? :'''Clay''': Nope. Still rather kiss the backside of a mule. :'''Kimiko''': We escaped, Raimundo. So be cool and let us go. :'''Dojo''': Or be a loser and come after us. :'''Raimundo''': Better run, 'cause I'm coming after you. :'''Kimiko''': Have it your way. :'''Raimundo''': C'mon. We got some former friends to catch. === The Shard of Lightning [2.3] === :'''Wuya:''' You thought I'd stay out of that box forever, didn't you? :'''Omi:''' Yes, I did, Wuya. Well, another 1500 years would have been nice! <hr width="50%"> :'''Master Fung''': As soon as the user brings forth the power of the shard, he can move so fast no one can see him. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Omi''': I would not count your ducks before they emerge from their shells! :'''Raimundo''':...that one wasn't even close. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Omi''': Hello, I'm ready to showdown here. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Katnappe''': Stop copy me! :'''Two Jack''': Stop copy me! :'''Katnappe''': Quit it! :'''Two Jack''': Quit it! :''[Katnappe look at the watch]'' :'''Katnappe''': That's it! === The Crystal Glasses [2.4] === :'''Wuya:''' ''[Talking to Omi]'' Soon you will be my greatest ally! :'''Jack:''' I'll even write your own evil theme music! ''[dramatic music plays]'' Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun! :'''Omi:''' This is NOT right! === Pandatown [2.5] === :'''Jack Spicer''': ''[To Pandabubba]'' All you want is Hong Kong?! Can't I at least get double-crossed by somebody with some vision? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Raimundo''': Come on, guys. You're making this too easy for me. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Raimundo''': Come on, Omi! It’s a classic gong game! :'''Omi''': Okay, I hear your concerns and I will take them under advisement with the apprentice’s. Clay, Kimiko? :'''Clay''': I reckon’ we don't have a better choice. :'''Kimiko''': Let’s give a shot. :'''Raimundo''': What?! You’re believing Jack Spicer over ME?! That’s it! I'm finding my own way in, and anyone who wants can go with me! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Clay''': Two-Ton Tunic! :'''Raimundo:''': Eye of Dashi! :'''Kimiko''': Third-Arm Sash! :'''Omi''': Orb of Tornami! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kimiko''': Come on, Rai. You can still win this. :'''Omi''': Just think: "What would Omi do"? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Wuya''': Forget it, Jack. What happens in Pandatown stays in Pandatown. === Sizing Up Omi [2.6] === :'''Omi''': ''[gets an idea]'' Raimundo, that is the answer! I will grow bigger backwards! :'''Kimiko''': He got me on that one. :'''Omi''': Clay, may I please bore the Reversing Mirror? Raimundo, may I please borrow the Changing Chopsticks? :'''Clay''': Where are you going with this, Omi? :'''Omi''': Changing Chopsticks! Reversing Mirror! ''[grows bigger]'' Now there is nothing I cannot accomplish! Except perhaps explaining to Master Fung about the temple ceiling. <hr width="50%"> :'''Clay''': You OKAY down there, partner? :'''Omi''': Oh, yes! Dojo's earwax is most convenient! But I do wish I had a better view. Ah, that is much better! :'''Dojo''': Better hope I don't sneeze! :'''Omi''': Nooo, you have very clean sinuses! I thank you! === Enter the Dragon [2.7] === :'''Dojo''': Why is everybody looking at me like I'm some sort of freak? I AM NOT A FREAK! :'''Clay''': Relax, Dojo. Nobody is saying anything ''[whispers '''out loud''']''. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Omi:''' Has Dojo ever gotten out of his box? :'''Master Fung''': It's only happened once. It was the last time anyone saw... Atlantis. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Omi''': Why should ''I'' remain behind and Raimundo go? It took him the longest to become an apprentice, and no one thought he would make it! ''[Raimundo clears his throat]'' Uh, I mean, except for me? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dojo''': ''[as Master Fung]'' Omi, it is Master Fung. Dojo is holding me prisoner! :'''Omi''': No. I do not believe you! ''[eats an eggroll]'' :'''Dojo''': ''[as a sad little girl; crying]'' Please let me out. I'm lost! ''[cries]'' :'''Omi''': No! No, I cannot! :'''Dojo''': ''[as a mother version of Omi]'' Omi, this is your mother speaking. You open that door this instant! :'''Omi''': Dojo, you are merely wasting your efforts. Besides, I am an orphan. :'''Dojo''': ''[as Omi]'' Omi, it's Omi. You've got to let me out! :'''Omi''': ''[irritated]'' Oh, this is not getting most ridiculous! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Omi:''' I did not abandon my post! I am still at my post, actually I am inside my post! But that Dojo pulled his sweater over my eyes! :'''Raimundo:''' Alright, that's gotta be Omi. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Master Fung''': Who let Dojo out? :''[Clay, Raimundo and Kimiko take one step to the left from Omi]'' :'''Omi''': ''[ashamed with dismay]'' I am so ashamed. It appears Dojo is one very crafty dragon. :'''Master Fung''': Oh, this is not good. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kimiko''': He does know how to make an entrance. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Master Fung:''' Remember, Omi. The future of the world is in your hands. === The Sands of Time [2.8] === :'''Jack:''' ''[Holding the Sands of Time]'' Looking for this, Xiaolin losers? Too bad! You're out of luck and out of time! Haahaaha! :'''Omi:''' It was up to me to find the Sands of Time and I failed all of you. My friends, Master Fung and the entire universe! I believe that about covers it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jack:''' I guess this would be the part where I let out my new trademark evil laugh. Hahahahahahhahahahah! Muahahahahahaha! ''[This continues for several seconds]'' :'''Omi:''' Not so fast Spicer! He who is last to be laughing laughs most loudly! :'''Raimundo:''' What Omi did to that sentence is what we're going to do to you! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jack:''' ''[holding the Sweet Baby Among Us Wu]'' It's like taking candy from a bunch of babies! :'''Old Jack:''' Eh? Who's got the babies? :'''Jack:''' Hurry up, old timer. We gotta get the Ruby of Ramses before it reveals itself. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jack:''' I've got two words for you. ''GYM MEMBERSHIP!'' === Hear Some Evil, See Some Evil [2.9] === :'''Clay''': ''[Jack is reading Clay's mind]'' That Jack is slower than a three-legged cow in quicksand! :'''Jack''': What!? I'm faster than any three-legged cow! ''[is hit by Omi]'' <hr width="50%/> :''[Megan appears in front of the monks rolling in the Jack's shield]'' :'''Megan''': Hi, I'm Megan. :'''Raimundo''': Oh, there's something you don't see every day. A little girl in a hamster ball. :'''Megan''': Are you looking for Jack Spicer and the ugly old hag? ''[everyone nods and she gets out of the shield]'' My stupid cousin Jack thinks he locked me inside that thing but I found the door. === Dreamscape [2.10] === :'''Jack''': When hunting the elusive wu, you have to move as quiet as a cat. ''[stubs toe]'' OOOOWWWWWWWWW, OOOOHHH THAT HURT!!!! ''[Screams loudly, then covers up mouth]'' :'''Kimiko''': Yawn. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jack''': ''[Flying away]'' Don't worry Xiaolin Losers! I'll thank you in my acceptance speech! Hahahahaha! === Master Monk Guan [2.11] === :'''Chase Young''': It will be up to you Dojo. Your stay here can be a pleasant or an unpleasant experience. :'''Dojo''': ''[Quickly]'' I choose pleasant, how about pleasant, pleasant would be nice. :'''Chase Young''': I thought you might. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dojo''': You know, I can still fit into the same swimming trunks I wore 1500 years ago! :'''Kimiko''': ''[giggles]'' You mean your old toga? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Omi''': Dojo, are you alright? :'''Dojo''': ''[Annoyed]'' I'm sitting in a pot of soup, what do you think?! === The Evil Within [2.12] === :'''Raimundo''': Hey, Omi, everything cool? :'''Omi''': Yes, Raimundo. I believe everything is the correct temperature. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Raimundo''': I can't believe something that small could put up such a big fight! :'''Omi''': ''[grabbing Raimundo's shirt]'' What! I am not that small! :'''Kimiko''': I think he was talking about Sibini. :'''Omi''': Oh, yes! He is very small. === The Deep Freeze [2.13] === :'''Dojo''': Hey, gang, got a live one incoming. It's the Shen Gong Wu called the Lunar Locket. Whoever possesses it, can control the phases of the moon. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jack''': ''[playing with the Lunar Locket Wu]'' Look at me! I'm the ruler of the moon. Watch! Look at it dance. Whoo-hoo! This is so awesome! :'''Wuya''': Stop playing with the moon, Jack. It isn't a toy. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kimiko''': Can't stand the heat? Then get off the mountain, tin man. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Omi''': You made your bed, Spicer. Now you'll have to eat it! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dude-Bot''': Just because we are mortal enemies, does that mean we can't be friends? === Screams of the Siren [2.14] === :'''Jack''': I ask for knife-throwing lessons, mom sends me figure-skating. "You never know when it'll come in handy!" Now I feel kinda a bad for making a robot out of her juicer. :'''Dojo''': That Spicer kid sure has nice form. :'''Clay''': Whoo! Look there, a triple Salchow! ''[The others stare at him]'' What? Cowboys can't like figure-skating? :'''Raimundo''': Come on, Omi. Just because you're built like a hockey puck doesn't mean you have to skate like one! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jack Spicer''': I'm an artiste, I communicate with my feet. :'''Wuya''': If I had feet I'd communicate all over you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Omi''': Oh, now I understand! Dyris wanted to know what Shen Gong Wu can create powerful, underground geysers to melt the ice and flood the world. :'''Klowfange''': Are you sure you're on the side of the good? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kimiko''': Did you get the Black Beetle? :'''Omi''': Does it look like I got the Black Beetle?! :'''Raimundo''': No, it looks like you lost the Gills of Hamachi. <hr width="50%"> :'''Omi''': Where are the Shen Gong Wu?! ''[The Black Beetle Wu appears out of the water]'' The Black Beetle! :''[Omi and Dyris touch the Wu at the same time]'' :'''Dyris''': ''[pops out of the water]'' Back away! It's mine! :'''Omi''': No. It is a Xiaolin Showdown! :'''Dyris''': I'll wager my Fist of Tebigong against your Gills of Hamachi. :'''Omi''': The game is Steal the Wu. Whoever takes the other's Wu first wins. And we play it on dry land! :'''Klowfange''': You fool! You CAN'T let her out of the water! When on dry land, she turns to her true monstrous form! :'''Omi''': How bad can she be? ''[turns around seeing Dyris in her true form]'' Oh. That bad. ''[sighs]'' Let's go! Xiaolin Showdown! === The Black Vipers [2.15] === :'''Clay''': ''[After setting Raimundo on fire]'' I'm sorry, Rai, I couldn't help it. I smell my favourite meal and I- :'''Kimiko''': EVERY meal is your favourite meal, Clay! :'''Raimundo''': I can't believe your first loyalty is to a pork chop! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The group are tied to the ceiling upside down]'' :'''Jessie''': Well it looks like our uninvited guests have decided on an extended stay in the HOSPITALITY suite. :'''Omi''': Why, thank you! That sounds most inviting! Where do we go? :'''Raimundo''': Omi, we're already in the hospitality suite. :'''Omi''': Oh. I see. Perhaps I am misunderstanding the meaning of hospitality. :'''Kimiko''': Or the meaning of sarcasm. :'''Omi''': Oh, darn this sarcasm! It always seems to grab my goat! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jack''': Yes! I get this makes me queen! :''[Everyone in the room looks at him oddly; a girl laughs]'' :'''Jack''': ...King. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Omi''': ''[sighs]'' This is the most disappointing event turning since the last... :'''Raimundo''': Is it possible you're going for TURN OF EVENTS? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Clay and Jessie rush over and touch the bag of Wu at the same time]'' :'''Jessie''': Looks like if you want your rewards, you and me are gonna have a Xiaolin Showdown. :'''Clay''': I accept. Your Silk Spitter against my Changing Chopsticks. :'''Jessie''': The game is Demolition Viper Bike Derby! First to make it out in one piece, wins. :'''Clay''': Let's just get this over with. Let's go. Xiaolin Showdown! === The Emperor Scorpion Strikes Back [2.16] === :''[Jack has copied himself with the Ring of Nine Dragons]'' :'''Old-looking Jack''': Foul! :'''Jack and Fat Jack''': I didn't touch you! :'''Fat Jack''': Did not... ''[they start fighting, old Jack also fights]'' :'''Wuya''': Stop! The Ring of Nine Dragons is for creating evil, not for copying yourself for your own amusement, or picking your teeth! ''[While big headed Jack does so]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kimiko''': Omi, what happened? :'''Omi''': I am afraid, uh… Mala Mala Jong has come to life. :'''Raimundo''': I can't believe we got here too late. :'''Clay''': Oh, man, I feel more embarrassed than a mule at the Kentucky Derby. :''[Back at the Xiaolin Temple…]'' :'''Master Fung''': According to the scroll, the rise of Mala Mala Jong will allow a new Shen Gong Wu to be revealed. It is called the Emperor Scorpion. Whoever possesses it will have control over ''all'' Shen Gong Wu. If we can find it, we can use it to break Mala Mala Jong apart before it turns into the Fearsome Four. :'''Raimundo''': Excellent! Great ending and not too long. Dragged a little in the middle though. :'''Kimiko''': Don't get too excited, Raimundo. Here comes the bad part. :'''Master Fung''': If the Emperor Scorpion falls into the wrong hands, the Fearsome Four will be unstoppable. This will be our ''only'' chance to save the world from certain destruction. :'''Raimundo''': Why does there always have to be a bad part? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jack''': Hello, Xiaolin losers! Ready to admit defeat? :'''Omi''': Never! I will defeat you and the Fearsome Four! :'''Jack''': ''[mimicking Omi]'' "I will defeat you and the Fearsome Four." ''[gets in Omi's face]'' Dude, get over yourself! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kimiko''': I can't believe how badly we messed up. :'''Raimundo''': Now that Spicer is in control of the Fearsome Four there's no stopping him. :'''Clay''': Yeah. It's not everyday a fella is responsible for the end of the world. :'''Omi''': No! Stop! When Mala Mala first came together I could've called for your help. It is my fault. But I...ah choose to do it alone. I may have forgotten to mention that before. :'''Raimundo''': It dosen't matter now...woah! :''[Omi, Raimundo, Kimiko, and Clay are off the ball and they're falling on a ground]'' :'''Master Fung''': Working together is more then just fighting together. It is knowing how to use each other 's strengths wisely. :'''Raimundo''': Hey, could somebody please translate. :'''Clay''': Well, I reckon Master Fung is speaking of our elements. :'''Kimiko''': In other words, we should focus on what we do best. :'''Dojo''': Cheer up, kiddo. You'll get another chance to save the world. <hr width="50%"/> : ''[After falling on ground while trying to stop Star Hanabi]'' :'''Raimundo''': Dojo, dude, how come you didn't just fly? :'''Dojo''': [With Clay's pants on head] Good idea. Just a little late. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jack''': Fearsome Four! I command you to...''[thinks]'' laugh evilly! ''[they laugh]'' Now laugh evilly while... hopping on one leg! ''[they do so]'' :'''Wuya''': Stop playing, Jack! :'''Jack''': In a minute. Now, laugh evilly while TAP DANCING! ''[the Fearsome Four dance and laugh as music plays in the background]'' === The Return of PandaBubba [2.17] === :'''Kimiko''': Omi, look! Over there. It's the Tohomiko Electronics skyscraper! :'''Omi''': Tohomiko? That sounds most familiar to my ears. :'''Kimiko''': Hello? That's my last name. :'''Omi''': Oh? I never thought of you with a last name. :'''Kimiko''': And that's my Papa's building. :'''Clay''': ''[In amazement]'' Your daddy is Toshiro Tohomiko the video game tycoon?! :'''Kimiko''': Yeah, I can't wait to introduce you all to him, he's super cool! :'''Raimundo''': And super rich! ''[His eyes turn into dollar symbols]'' ''(To Kimiko)'' Did I ever tell you that you are my favorite monk? :'''Omi''': ''(gigantic sad face)'' I thought I was your favorite... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Omi''': These workers appear most focused on their work. And their eyes- they have the same 'nobody is home' look as Raimudo when he does his chores :'''Raimundo''': ''[offended]'' Yeah, well... you're short and you have a big head. === The Last Temptation of Raimundo [2.18] === :''[Jack is asleep]'' :'''Wuya''': Jack, fire the laser! Jack! :'''Jack''': ''[He wakes up, screaming]'' Wuya! With you it's hard to tell if I'm coming out of a nightmare or going into one! :'''Wuya''': Just shut up and fire the laser. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kimiko''': Poor Rai. We've got to find him. Just so I can give him a piece of my mind! :'''Master Fung''': We must not be too hard on Raimundo. It is the Shen Gong Wu that is controlling him. :'''Omi''': Yes, but if he had not used the Golden Tiger Claws in the first place, we would not be down the lake with no paddles! :'''Dojo''': Hey, kids! Special news bulletin! I did a little recon over Brazil and it turns out there ''WAS'' a lava flow. If it wasn't for a certain hero we all know, one village would be toast! :'''Kimiko''': So, Raimundo was telling the truth? That's a first. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jack''': Um, once you become Raimundo, are you a he or a she? I just wanna get my pronouns straight! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Wuya''': ''[During a Xiaolin Showdown]'' Shroud of Shadows! :'''Kimiko''': Hey! That's cheating! That wasn't one of the Shen Gong Wu wagered! :'''Wuya''': You're fighting evil. What do you expect? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jack''': Hey, usually I'm the one who messes up a Xiaolin Showdown. Looks like the shoe's on a different foot...if you had a foot. ''[chuckles, Wuya gets angry as she flies through his face, creeping him out]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Omi''': We will always listen to you...no matter how stupid your excuse may be. === The Year of the Green Monkey [2.19] === :'''Monkey''': Mind turning down the volume? Some of us are trying to get a little shuteye. :'''Omi''': ''[Using the Tongue of Saiping]'' In the middle of the day? You are a very lazy animal! :'''Rabbit''': Huh, what a mouth on someone so small. :'''Omi''': I am not small, I am compact! :'''Bird''': Yeah, anymore 'compact' and we'd need a microscope to find you! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Master Fung''': The Fountain of Hui has just revealed itself. When activated, it provides unlimited knowledge. :'''Kimiko''': Sounds like a pretty handy Wu if you're doing a crossword puzzle. :'''Master Fung''': I'm afraid by itself, it can only provide random information. But, when combined its sister Shen Gong Wu the Eagle Scope, the two can be used to unlock the greatest secrets of the universe. :'''Omi''': You mean like why baboons have such colorful buttocks? :'''Master Fung''': Yes, and even greater secrets. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jack Spicer''': Tongue of Saiping! Monkeys, attack! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Omi''': Now I understand! Jack is only a mere puppy! :'''Raimundo''': ...Puppet, I'm guessing. === The Demon Seed [2.20] === :'''Vlad''': I hear Wuya dump you, again. :'''Jack Spicer''': ''[Imitating Vlad]'' "I jear Wuya dump you!" Nobody hears Wuya dump me, because I dump Wuya. :'''Vlad''': That is not what they say on Internet! :'''Jack Spicer''': ''[Excitedly]'' I'm on the Internet? :'''Vlad''': Da, in warrior chat rooms everywhere! You big laughing stock! Now when person loses everything, new hip thing to say is 'Aw, I got Jacked!' ''[Laughs evilly]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kimiko''': It's Spicer, he took the seed! :'''Clay''': And the hotdogs! Come back here with them doggies you no good, low down snake, you yellow bellied, dirty little side winder. I'm gonna get you! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Vlad''': What you know about Heylin Seed? :'''Jack Spicer''': I read something about it in ''Evil Seeds and Gardens''. Why? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Raimundo''': I bet he writes those on the palm of his hand. ''[Kimiko snickers]'' :'''Master Fung''': No Raimundo, I write them inside my eyelids. That is why I blink often ''[Blinks rapidly]'' :'''Dojo''': ''[Pops out of Raimundo's shirt]'' B-U-S-T-E-D. Ooooohhhh! ''[Shudders]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Raimundo''': Whoo! ''C'est la vie'', Salad-Breath! === The New Order [2.21] === :'''Chase Young''': You have learned well, Omi. :'''Omi''': Well, I WAS taught by the best! :'''Chase Young''': Thank you. :'''Omi''': I was speaking of Master Fung!! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jack Spicer''': H-hey, hey! H-how'd you get all the way over here when...I...left you...over there? === The Apprentice [2.22] === :'''Clay''': How do you manage to win every game? :'''Omi:''' That is most simple: I cheat. ''[they all look at him]'' No, no, I am a betrayer when I say I cheat. :'''Raimundo''': How do we know that you're not betraying us now, Omi? :'''Omi''': ''[seriously]'' Because, Raimundo, you are all my friends, and I could never betray my friends. ''[Laughs, knocking his head at the table]'' Ha ha ha, I have mastered deception! Let's play again! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Omi''': I knew you would twice-cross me! So I twice-crossed you first! :'''Raimundo''': That's double-crossed, but I think we get the idea. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Omi''': Oh, thank you, Master Fung. I promise I will not let you up. :'''Master Fung''': Down. :'''Omi''': In every direction. === Something Jermaine [2.23] === :'''Jermaine''': ''[After Jack gets the Manchurian Musca]'' Yo, Omi, you must be trippin'. :'''Omi''': I am not taking a trip! :'''Jermaine''': Your hotdogging cost us a Shen Gong Wu! :'''Omi''': Are you saying it is BECAUSE OF ME?! :'''Jermaine''': I'm saying, some poser may need a refresher course on how to be a Xiaolin warrior. :'''Omi''': A refresher course!? I should be TEACHING the refresher course! :'''Jermaine''': Man, you got an ego bigger than that dome of yours. :'''Omi''': Nothing is bigger than my dome! And I thank you to leave my dome OUT OF IT! :'''Jermaine''': Can you believe this guy man? :'''Dojo''': Hey, there are three things I've learned not to talk about. Religion, politics and Omi's head. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dojo''': No winner!? What a rip-off! You wouldn't see this in the old days! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dojo''': Boys and girls, let me tell you a story about these two dragon buddies. Always seen together, like peas and carrots. :'''Raimundo''': Is this story gonna be long or short? :'''Dojo''': It'll take as long as it takes! :'''Clay''': "Clay and Kimiko" Long story. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Omi''': I order you to spill your internal organs right now!! :'''Jack''': ''[screamed]'' What kind of sick people are you!? :'''Raimundo''': I think he means spill your guts. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jack''': Hey, I want my stuff back. :'''Tubbimura''': No, I will keep everything. :'''Jack''': Think again, bubba. I press enter and doggy breath is a UFM. Unidentified flying Muffinface! :'''Tubbimura''': No! Not my Muffinface! Ok, ok, I will return your stuff. === Dangerous Minds [2.24] === :'''Master Fung''': ''[As the temple collapses]'' Remember, the fate of the world rests with you! :'''Raimundo''': Is it me or does the fate of the world rest with us a lot? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jack''': What do you think the spiders want with us? :'''Raimundo''': Dude, we're in their web. Take a guess. :'''Jack''': ''[Understanding]'' I DON'T WANT A SPIDER TO EAT ME! :'''Clay''': Chill, evil partner! Spiders don't eat people! They desiccate you, suck out all your fluids until nothing is left. ''[Clay dried up and the others staring at him]'' What? Can't a cowboy have a hobby? :'''Jack''': I don't want to be...what he said! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Omi''': Hurry, everyone! Take my hand! :'''Jack''': I have a better idea! I'll take the Golden Tiger Claws! :'''Kimiko''': Jack, you jerk! :'''Jack''': Too late, Xiaolin has-been! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Clay''': Get a move on! They're gaining on us! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dojo''': I tell you. You should a seen me in action. Those spiders will think twice before messing with this dragon, again! Baba bing. ''[chuckles]'' '''AAAAHHHHHH!''' :'''Raimundo''': ''[Laughs]'' Dojo, you should a seen yourself! :'''Kimiko''': Rai, that wasn't very nice. :'''Raimundo''': ''[scoffs]'' How can anyone be so afraid of a spider? :''[A spider sits on Raimundo's shoulder. Raimundo screams, and hides behind baskets. Kimiko & Dojo laugh]'' :'''Dojo''': What a pansy! :'''Omi''': Tongue of Saiping! Thank you for you assistance, my small friend. ''[he gives a high-five on a spider]'' === Judging Omi [2.25] === :'''Dojo''': We got a category 5 Wu alert. The Ying Yo-Yo just revealed itself. :'''Master Fung''': The Ying Yo-Yo is one of the lesser-known. Shen Gong Wu. It acts as a portal to the Ying-Yang World-- a parallel universe with laws of its own. One must remain cautious. Its powers are not fully understood. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kimiko''': I was hoping we'd all rise together. :'''Omi''': ''[Looking sad]'' Aw, me too. ''[Then looking happy]'' That is why I will work extra hard teaching you until that day comes when you too are ready to become Wudai Warriors. :'''Clay''': Whoa, partner, and what makes you so sure YOU'RE the chosen one? :'''Omi''': ''[Laughing]'' Is it not obvious? Who else is it going to be? Raimundo? :''[Raimundo's head turns red and inflates while his hair starts to burn. Clay removes his hat, revealing a glass of water and he pours it on Raimundo's head. Raimundo gives Clay a thumbs-up.]'' :'''Omi''': I am sorry. I was not laughing at you but with you. :'''Raimundo''': I'm not laughing. :'''Kimiko''': Here's a wild thought. Maybe it's me. :'''Omi''': But you are a girl. ''[The others gasp]'' AAAAH! :''[Chaos ensues, ending with Omi beaten up on the floor]'' :'''Raimundo''': ''[Wincing]'' Nyah... :'''Kimiko''': And your point? :'''Omi''': Nothing, I like girls. ''[He passes out]'' === Saving Omi [2.26] === :'''Dojo''': Very interesting... it says here that Alexander The Great had seven toes on one foot and three on the other. :'''Raimundo''': What about Omi? :'''Dojo''': Well, I'm pretty sure he has five on each. But I've never taken a closer look. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dojo''': It maybe be time use our secret weapon: The Sweet Baby Among Us! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Heylin Omi''': If only I did not have to sleep! Then I could fight 24/7! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Omi''': Kimiko, Raimundo, Clay, I was ready to humiliate you in battle, but I have no idea why. :'''Kimiko''': It’s OK, Omi. It’s just good to have you back. :'''Jack''': Omi, I missed you so. :'''Omi''': OK, now I am most confused. :'''Dojo''': Jack brought the Reversing Mirror into the Ying Yang World. Instead of coming out whole, he must have left behind all of his evil. :'''Chase Young''': I hate to interrupt such a nauseating moment, but we have some serious evil left on the agenda. :'''Clay''': You have got no hold on Omi. He’s got his Chi back, and you ain’t getting your grubby hands on it. :'''Chase Young''': Omi swore his loyalty to me. :'''Kimiko''': He wasn’t himself back then. :'''Raimundo''': Omi is going nowhere. Except back home with us. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Chase Young (Reptile form)''': Heylin Memory Recall! :'''Omi''': ''[In recall]'' I do swear my loyalty to you. ''[End of recall]'' Wait. Chase Young is right. As a Xiaolin Monk, I am bound by my word. :''[Kimiko, Clay, Raimundo, and Jack gasped]'' :'''Omi''': I have no choice but to stay. == Season 3 (2005-2006) == === Finding Omi [3.1] === :'''Dojo''': I hate the ''AWAY'' games. The crowd's always against you. :''[Wuya cheering]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Chase Young (Reptile form) and Omi (Cat form)''': ''[in unison]'' Goat Biting Tail! Horse Skipping Pebble! Cat Playing Fiddle! Duck Flipping Burgers! :'''Omi (Cat form)''': Sparrow Eating Hot-Dog! ''[he then jumps off the rock]'' :'''Chase Young (Reptile form)''': ''[Sitting on the rock, surprised]'' Sparrow Eating Hot-Dog? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Omi''': No! It appears you have taught me too well! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Chase Young''': I think the evil inside you is stronger than you think. :'''Omi''': The good in you may be stronger then you know. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Master Fung''': That is correct. Only ONE would rise, but not until you worked together AS one. :'''Dojo''': I don't know about you, but I think he makes this stuff up as he goes along. ''[laughs to himself]'' === Bird of Paradise [3.2] === :'''Omi''': We may be outside, but we are not down. :'''Raimundo''': I think he means we're down but not out. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bird of Paradise''': I have given you the greatest gift of all. :'''Clay''': Farm equipment? === The Life and Times of Hannibal Roy Bean [3.3] === :'''Kimiko''': Wuya, I challenge you to a Xiaolin Showdown! The game is Meteor Shower. The first to reach the Moby Morpher wins! :'''Wuya''': And to make it interesting, I wager my Ying Yo-Yo against your Yang Yo-Yo! :'''Chase Young''': You never mention you have the Ying Yo-Yo. :'''Wuya''': Oh. Didn't I? Must've slipped my mind. :'''Omi''': Kimiko, remember, if you enter the Ying-Yang World without both Wu, you will come out evil! :'''Dojo''': And if you enter ''evil,'' you come out good. We may need a score card for this one. :'''Kimko & Wuya''': ''[in unison]'' LET'S GO! XIAOLIN SHOWDOWN! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dojo''': Maybe I should take over. I'd like to leave the parallel universe in one piece. :'''Omi''': Do you know how to fly the Silver Manta Ray? :'''Dojo''': Please, I was flying before I could crawl. I'm not just a mystical dragon. I'm also a certified pilot! :'''Raimundo''': Good enough for me! She's all yours, pappy! :'''Dojo''': Now, let's see if we can pick up the pace a little! :''[Silver Manta Ray falling and everybody screaming]'' :'''Dojo''': Don't worry!! I've got everything under control!! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Raimundo''': Clay, you know about tractors, maybe you can fix the Silver Manta Ray. :'''Clay''': Oh, sure Rai, yeah. Tractors and mystical flying transports are like two peas from the same pod. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Omi''': So it appears that it was not Jack who acted so stupid as to free Hannibal Bean, it was ''[realising]'' ME?! :'''Hannibal [as Jack]''': You got it sweet pea. Moby Morpher! ''[He turns back into his real form]'' :'''Omi''': Enough chat chit! Today victory is mine Hannibal Bean! :'''Kimiko''': This hardly seems like a fair fight. :'''Hannibal''': True. Perhaps I should fight with my eyes closed. :''[It then cuts to Kimiko and Omi who look very ticked-off]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hannibal [as Clay]''': Uhh... what in tarnation are you doin’? :'''Chase Young''': I’m ending what I should have ended years ago. :'''Omi''': Nooooooooo! :'''All''': Hyah! Unh! Hyah! :'''Hannibal [as Clay]''': Moby Morpher! ''[He turns back into his real form]'' Nice to see you again, Chase. Hey, thanks for the assistance. Maybe one day I’ll return the favor. ''[Continues sinister laughter]'' :'''Clay''': ''[Muffled]'' I’m afraid we got big problems, pardner. :'''Omi''': I know. You ripped the words from inside my mouth. :'''Chase Young''': You fools! You don’t know what you’ve done. You have unleashed the greatest evil the world has ever seen. :'''Raimundo''': Hmmph! Sounds like end of the world time...again. :'''Chase Young''': No. it is far worse than that. === Omi Town [3.4] === :'''Omi''': Now Dojo, you shouldn't kiss a horse on the lips before it gives you its' presents. ''[They all stare blankly]'' . :'''Kimiko''': Oh, kiss a gift horse on the mouth. :'''Everyone''': Ohhhh. :'''Dojo''': ''[Puzzled]'' I thought it was 'look a gift horse in the mouth'. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dojo''': Whoa! I wonder what my Great-Great-Great-Great Uncle Tiamat sent me? ''[he unwrapped the present]'' His bones. How thoughtful. <hr width="50%"/> :''' Jack''': Hey! You're not supposed to be here! :'''Omi''': Well, what comes in circles goes the other way in circles. ''[Everyone stares at him]'' :'''Wuya''': Somebody translate! I'll be up all night. :'''Clay''': I'm guessing "what goes around comes around. :'''Wuya''': Oh, please. That wasn't even close. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Raimundo''': Yeah, but I'm not sure, they're exactly what Omi's expecting <hr width="50%"/> :'''Omi''': ''MY LAST NAME IS CRUD?!'' '''''OMI CRUD?!?!?!?!?!''''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Chase Young''': Good morning, little monk. I'm not here to fight you, little monk, but to warn you. :'''Omi''': Warn me? :'''Chase Young''': Do you know where the other monks are? :'''Omi''': Asleep? :'''Chase Young''': They're in trouble and will your help. :'''Omi''': I do not believe you. :'''Chase Young''': Look, into the crow's eyes. :''[The crow zooms in and shows Omi that Jack Spicer, Wuya and Hannibal Roy Bean are planning to raid the temple]'' :'''Omi''': Why are you telling me this? :'''Chase Young''': Just something I thought you ought to know, in case you wanted to do anything about it. :'''Omi''': You want me to leave my parents and forfeit my honor. But I will not even they are old, fat and smelly. They need me and tonight I have to clean their teeth. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hannibal''': You're talkin' to Hannibal Roy Bean. :'''Raimundo''': Oh, Yeah! Well listen mister musical fruit I eat beans for lunch. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Omi and Omi robot mother touch the Shen Gong Wu at the same time]'' :'''Omi''': ''[shocked]'' Mother?! :'''Robot Mother''': I challenge you to a Xiaolin Showdown. The game is Bamboo Hopping. First to fall, loses. :'''Omi''': ''[heartbroken]'' My mother…on the side of evil? :'''Robot Mother''': When you're a parent, you'll understand. I wager my Orb of Tornami against your Lasso Boa-Boa. :'''Omi''': How'd you get my Orb?! :'''Robot Mother''': I went through your pocket when you were clipping your father's toenails. :'''Omi & Robot Mother''': ''[in unison]'' Let's go! XIAOLIN SHOWDOWN! === Treasure of the Blind Swordsman [3.5] === :'''Guardian''': ''[As he's being kidnapped]'' Hey! Who is that? Where am I? I need to use the bathroom. :'''Wuya''': ''[To Jack]'' What about the treasure chest? :'''Guardian''': What?! That's disgusting! ''[Pauses]'' You- you were talking to me? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jack''': ''[Doing a crossword]'' What's a four-letter word for idiot? :'''Wuya''': Jack. :'''Jack''': Perfect! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Omi is stuck to a cactus]'' :'''Kimiko''': Omi! Are you okay? :'''Omi''': ''[cringing]'' I have a thousand needles in my backside! '''''WHAT DO YOU THINK?!''''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Blind Swordsman''': You have summoned the spirit of the Blind Swordsman, loyal to whoever possesses the treasure chest. :'''Raimundo''': So, how about showing us how to use our new weapons? :'''Blind Swordsman''': Open your mind and trust that your weapon will show you the way. :'''Omi''': Shimo Staff! Ha! Oh ho! My weapon and I are most magnificent! ''[smooch]'' :'''Clay''': Big Bang Meteorang, do your stuff! Ha! Huh? Whoo! Well, I'll be a 3-legged centipede! :'''Kimiko''': Arrow Sparrow! ''[Boom]'' Burn, baby, burn! :'''Raimundo''': Blade of the Nebula! Huh? Hah! Whoo! I got the power! Hoo! Hoo! I got the power! :'''Omi''': Come, Dojo. We must rescue the blind old man at once! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Blind Old Man''': Perhaps you? I'd like to surrender now. :'''Jack''': Perhaps you? I'd like to keep your disses to yourself, four-eyes! :''[Record scratches]'' :'''Wuya''': He's blind! :'''Jack''': Even better! Time to double-team, Mr. No-eyes! Ha ha! Jack's on an evil rant now! Thorn of Thunderbolt! :'''Wuya''': Silk Spinner! :'''Blind Old Man''': Mantis Flip Coin! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Blind Old Man''': ''[Sighs]'' Again with the questions. It is quite simple. I use my mind to see rather than my eyes. ''[pauses]'' '''''DIDN'T YOU HEAR ME BEFORE?''''' That is the secret to the treasure chest. The answers to all your questions lie inside. You just have to look. === Oil in the Family [3.6] === :'''Omi''': We cannot just stand by and watch Wuya and Jack being chewed up by a big dinosaur. :'''Kimiko''': You're right. Someone better get the camcorder. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Raimundo''': No, the old hag won't think small like that. She'll be thinkin'... :'''Clay''': Yeah, anyway, Raimundo. Where I come from we have a sayin' follow the oil. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Clay''': Dojo, you're practically one of them critters! Have any ideas? :'''Dojo''': ''[Indignantly]'' I BEG YOUR PARDON! That's like me saying you're practically a monkey. Just because she speaks with a British accent doesn't make her smart, like a dragon! We fly, breathe fire and chew with our mouths closed! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Omi''': The jig is down! You're at the top of your rope! Spoon over that Wu! ''[Pauses, everyone stares at him]''. :'''Jack''': Oooh, oh! I got it! The jig is up, you're at the end of your rope, fork over the Wu! ''[Starts dancing and brings out an evil genius ribbon]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Wuya''': Jack, use your Shen Gong Wu! :'''Jack''': Changing Chopsticks! ''[shrinks Wuya]'' :'''Wuya''': Not ''me'' you fool! :'''Jack''': Changing Chopsticks! ''[shrinks himself]'' :''[Wuya kicks Jack in the butt and Jack uses the Changing Chopsticks, making themselves normal-sized again]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[T-Rex merely eats it and fires it Kimiko she protect herself, Omi, Raimundo, Clay and Dojo]'' :'''Kimiko''': ''[distance]'' WUDAI FIRE SHIELD! ''[As the fire hits leaks in the oil tank, causing an explosion]'' :''[The fallen Ruby of Ramses and Rio Reverso drop to two separate places, and the dinosaur runs towards the Rio Reverso]'' :'''Kimiko''': If we don't do something, we would wind up the ones extinct. :'''Raimundo''': I got us into this but this time I got a plan. ''[slip n' slides on the oil, swipes the Ruby of Ramses Wu and he and the T-Rex touch the Rio Reverso together]'' T-Rex, I challenge you to a Xiaolin Showdown! My Ruby of Ramses against your Changing Chopsticks. :'''T-Rex''': Jolly good. The game is Jurassic Chess. :'''Raimundo & T-Rex''': ''[in unison]'' Let's go! Xiaolin Showdown! === The Return Of Master Monk Guan [3.7] === :'''Dojo''': You're...sending...me...away!? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Master Fung''': I assure you that I will be here when you get back. :'''Dojo''': That's what my last master said when he went to for a soda and never returned! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Master Monk Guan:''' You will do as I say, and never, EVER ask questions. '''DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR!?''' :'''All:''' YES, MASTER MONK GUAN! :'''Master Monk Guan:''' Good. Now, any questions? ''[Raimundo raises hand]'' '''HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND!? WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT QUESTIONS!?''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Omi''': What wise saying do you have for us? :'''Master Fung''':...I have none. :'''Raimundo''': C'mon, you can whip out one of those old cheesy sayings...''[Master Fung makes an angry face]''...that we all love. :'''Master Fung''': I am afraid I am out of any 'cheesy sayings'. :'''Dojo''': If you want I can give you your file. ''[Pulls out an extremely large folder of paper. Master Fung makes another angry face]'' Not that you would need a file like that. ''[hides folder with a wide grin]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Omi''': This cannot be happening...Our Bobo is turning to the darkside. Again! :'''Raimundo''': The name is Raimundo. Not Bobo! :'''Clay''': Raimundo, what in the Sam Hill are ya doin? :'''Kimiko''': We're your friends. :'''Raimundo''': I got all the friends I need right here. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hannibal''': Poor little guy is like a fish outta water! ''[evilly laughing]'' === The Dream Stalker [3.8] === : '''Omi''': Solution is most simple! Raimundo must never sleep again! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Omi''': During my shift, I shall keep you awake with the most ancient training method known as ''[hold a bucket of cold water]'' DODGE THE BUCKET OF ICE WATER! :'''Raimundo''': Huh? ''[cold water hits his face, which get frosted with ice]'' '''''WHOA!''''' :''[Omi breaks the ice off of Raimundo, who shivers]'' :'''Omi''': You may need some practice, even though you will never be as good as me. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Raimundo:''' ''(yawns)'' Would it kill ya to get some reclining seats, Dojo. :'''Dojo:''' Please return all complaints to their full shut-up position, as we approach our final destination: Jack Spicer's lair. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kimiko''': Come on! Work it like you own it. :'''Raimundo''': I think I'm gonna ''(yawns)'' just freestyle. :'''Dojo''': Oooh, I got it! Trouble with a stuffed animal. Those things can get so surly. === Chucky Choo [3.9] === :'''Master Fung''': I miss you, too. But you must stop calling every 5 minutes! :'''Dojo''': Master Fung...who's that? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Master Fung''': Uh, Dojo, this is Frenchy Foo. Just an old friend passing through. :'''Dojo''': ''[gasps]'' Another dragon!? :'''Master Fung''': Dojo, it isn't like that. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Omi''': ''[To the Xiaolin monks]'' Monks, double your efforts....Raimundo...Triple yours. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dojo''': Great morning, young monks and the pitiful in need of assistance. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kimiko''': Wait, you know each other? :'''Dojo''': ''[to Chucky]'' You no good, yo-yo thief! :''[Chucky Choo screams as Dojo tackles him]'' :'''Omi''': I guess...will be yes. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Chucky Choo''': What do you say, Dojo? === Wu Got The Power? [3.10] === :'''Dojo''': The Denshi Bunny Wu is more impressive than it's name suggests. :'''Raimundo''': So, it doesn't make you a bunny? :'''Dojo''': Noooo. That would be just plain, silly. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jack Spicer''': Shadow Slicer, Shadow Slicer, Shadow Slicer, Shadow Slicer. :''[Omi, Kimiko, Raimundo, and Clay dives at Jacks, but it was a Shadow Slicer hologram]'' :'''Jack Spicer''': Jack is on his game. Smell you later, losers! ''[laughing while he flies off with their Shen Gong Wu]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jack Spicer''': That's brilliant! Why didn't I think of that? :'''Hannibal Roy Bean''': My guess, an extra chromosome. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Omi''': Well, too prove myself worthy of being your leader. I must solve of your elemental Shen Gong Wu. :'''Raimundo''': You did what!? :'''Master Fung''': Omi, that was most unwised. So much un-restrength power could lead to great dangers. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hannibal Roy Bean''': I hate to rain on your parade snowball, but I do not think so! === Hannibal's Revenge [3.11] === :'''Master Fung''': Hannibal together with Wuya could mean the end of the world.. :'''Raimundo''': Where have I heard the before? Oh yeah! "PREVIOUSLY ON XIAOLIN SHOWDOWN"! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kimiko then shows Jack Spicer a video on her laptop]'' :'''Omi (imitating Wuya)''': Do not underestimate Jack Spicer. Those bubble-bots are genius. :'''Clay (imitating Chase Young)''': Spicer has taken his martial arts skills to a new level. :'''Raimundo''': ''[offscreen]'' Dojo, get out of that shot! :'''Kimiko (imitating Hannibal Roy Bean)''': He is truly evil incoming. :'''Jack Spicer''': Yes! It is time to make my move. Dark Prince Jack-o is back on top-o! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kimiko (disguised as Jack Spicer)''': I challenge you to a Xiaolin Showdown Trio! :'''Hannibal Roy Bean''': I'll wager my Moby Morpher against your Conch and Chase's Serpent's Tail. :'''Chase Young''': I will fight ''without'' Shen Gong Wu. :'''Kimiko (disguised as Jack Spicer)''': The game is Last To Drop Wins. ''[in unison with Hannibal and Chase]'' Let's go, Xiaolin Showdown! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kimiko (disguised as Jack Spicer)''': Mind Reader Conch! :'''Chase Young''': ''I locked away that foolish vegetable once I'll do it again'' :'''Hannibal Roy Bean''': You cross the wrong Bean, when you cross Hannibal Roy Bean! ''[Throws a big chunk of rock]'' :'''Kimiko (disguised as Jack Spicer)''': Mind Reader Conch! :'''Hannibal Roy Bean''': ''That Chase has girly hair, a real warrior shaves his head like me.'' :'''Chase Young''': Hah!, you could pour fertilizer on your head and nothing would grow! ''[smirking]'' :'''Hannibal Roy Bean''': ERRRRR! MOBY MORPHER!!! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Raimundo''': ''[To Kimiko (disguised as Jack Spicer)]'' Yeah, you go girl--''[shocked]'' boy. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Chase Young''': ''[To Kimiko (disguised as Jack Spicer)]'' You surprised me, Spicer. I'm rarely surprised, but never fooled. ''[Sniffs]'' By the way, love the perfume. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hannibal Bean''': I see you've brought your kittens to do your fighting. :'''Chase Young''': ''[Referring to Wuya]'' And I see you've brought my housekeeper to do yours. === Time After Time Part 1 [3.12] === :'''Dojo''': I have TENS all around! :'''Omi''': I suppose beating Jack in the most colorful manner is the tie-breaker! :''[all grin evilly at Jack as they converge on him]'' :'''Jack''': No, no! You can't! WHAT KIND OF PEOPLE ARE YOU?! ''[screaming as they attacking on him]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Raimundo''': You know, if it weren't for Chase, we'd be so much further along in our fight against evil. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Omi''': I fear I have ruined the future. :'''Old Master Fung''': Remember this young monk, the future can always be changed. :'''Old Raimundo''': Every once in a while, the old dude still spits out words of wisdom. But mostly he just spits. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Old Raimundo''': Guys, this is a test we've been waiting for. I'd say we breaking in the palace, and take back of Sands of Time. :'''Old Clay''': Oh, we're not exactly the lame mean rotten machine we'll will once more. :'''Old Raimundo''': First, you were never lean. And second, we're still Xiaolin warriors. We fought together once, and we can do it again. It's up to us now. The Shroud of Shadows! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Old Raimundo''': Kimiko, take the Denshi Bunny and turn yourself into a electricity. Then, travel through the wires until you'll find the Wu vault where Jack keeps his Wu. I used the conch to the location. :'''Old Kimiko''': What's that? Oh, never mind. I'll look around to see where Jack keeps this Wu. ''[coughs]'' Denshi Bunny. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Old Raimundo''': Omi! Use the Sands of Time! Make sure it never happens. Go! :'''Dojo''': Sands of Time! :''[Activates the Sands of Time to taking them back 1,500 years ago]'' :'''Omi''': ''[cries]'' No. === Time After Time Part 2 [3.13] === :'''Omi''': This is my HOME!? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Raimundo''': I'd much rather fight evil than mud-wrestle some pig. :'''Clay''': Woah there, partner. This is not "some pig". All pigs are special in their own way. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kimiko''': And what makes you so sure? :'''Clay''': That may be but it don't mean diddly, if we can't bust our way out of here. :'''Raimundo''': We can escape! If I drink the Lao Mang Lone Soup. :'''Kimiko''': No, you can't! It'll turn you evil! :'''Raimundo''': But it'll give you guys enough time to escape. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Raimundo''': So, we need to stop Omi from freezing himself into the future, so he won't go into the past, where he did what he did which resulted in what happened. Simple! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Raimundo''': No, I didn't come this far to lose. We will find a way to win. It's our destiny. :''[Jack Spicer falls from above while screaming and lands on the four villains as Omi, Raimundo, Kimiko and Clay walk backwards]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Raimundo''': The game is Rescue the Damsel in Distress. First to save the damsel wins. Let's go. :'''Both''': Xiaolin Showdown! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Omi''': Dojo, you're saved! :'''Dojo''': Oh, sweet prince. My hero! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kimiko''': What's going on?! :'''Raimundo''': My guess, two parallel universes running into each other in a cosmic timeline continuum power up. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Omi, Raimundo, Kimiko, Clay and Dojo shake their bodies after they return to the temple]'' :'''Master Fung''': I hope you have learned well from your quest. :'''Raimundo''': I'm not quite sure what just happened. But I'll know, I'll never forget it. :'''Omi''': What happened? Really happened? :'''Jack Spicer''': ''[screams when he appeared behind Clay while Raimundo and Kimiko turn their heads]'' I wanna go home! ''[screams as he starts to run out of the temple while he freaks out]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Last Lines, series finale]'' :'''Master Fung''': As I told you, a leader would rise from the quest, and now... one has. :''[Raimundo is suddenly lit up, and as he's engulfed by the light, his original red robes and his medallion soon disappear and are replaced with a black robe with a dragon on the sleeve and a red sash on him, revealing that he has become the official leader of the team]'' :'''Kimiko''': Way to go, Rai! ''[Jumps into his arms and kisses him on the cheek]'' :'''Clay''': You did it, partner! :'''Raimundo''': ''[He has look of amazement, Kimiko jumps into his arms and kisses him on the cheek]'' I-I don't know what to say. Except I never thought it would be me...''[Kimiko and Clay give him a look]''...Well maybe a little. :''[Raimundo then notices Omi standing behind Master Fung with a let down look on his face. However Omi comes out from behind Master Fung and sheds a few small tears... as from the moment Master Fung told Omi about the new students coming to the temple, Omi vowed to be a great leader. Omi, with tears in his eyes spreads a smile across his face. He and Raimundo bow to each other at the same time. Master Fung, Dojo, and the chosen ones smile too. Then, an explosion outside the temple occurs. Monks notice that every single villain they've encountered during the series are there with their original enemy, Jack Spicer smiling]'' :'''Master Fung''': ''[to chosen ones, especially Raimundo who's busy removing his bandages before taking a second to survey their enemies]'' Now that you have risen to Shoku Warrior, your job has only begun. The survival of the world depends on you. :''[With that, the team launch themselves into battle against the Heylins]'' :'''Dojo''': Not too much pressure there... :''[It then cuts to show Kimiko, Clay and Omi whose dots have begun to glow, running alongside each other and seconds later, Raimundo appears. As they edge closer, Raimundo then jumps into the air and prepares to launch a kick just as the screen goes black]'' :'''Omi, Kimiko, Raimundo, and Clay:''' HAAIIIYYA!!!!! == Cast == :[[w:Tara Strong|Tara Strong]] - Omi, Megan, and T-Rex :[[w:Tom Kenny|Tom Kenny]] - Raimundo Pedrosa, Hannibal Roy Bean, Grand Master Dashi, Vlad, Blind Old Swordsman, Evil Squirrel, and Klofange :[[w:Grey DeLisle|Grey DeLisle]] - Kimiko Tohomiko, Evil Doll, Betie, Dyris, Singing Old Lady, and Omi's Mom :[[w:Jeff Bennett|Jeff Bennett]] - Clay Bailey, Master Monk Guan, Mala-Mala Jong, Cyclops, Evil Granny Lily, Dude-Bot, Jessie Bailey, Toshiro Tohomiko, Gigi, Parrot, Omi's Dad, and Blind Old Man :[[w:Danny Cooksey|Danny Cooksey]] - Jack Spicer and Good Jack :[[w:Wayne Knight|Wayne Knight]] - Dojo Kanojo Cho :[[w:Rene Auberjonois|Rene Auberjonois]] - Master Fung (Season 1) :[[w:Maurice LaMarche|Maurice LaMarche]] - Master Fung (Season 2 & Season 3), Tubbimura, Raksha the Snowman, Fearsome Four, and Chucky-Choo :[[w:Susan Silo|Susan Silo]] - Wuya :[[w:Greg Baldwin|Greg Baldwin]] - Daddy Bailey :[[w:Lee Thompson Young|Lee Thompson Young]] - Jermaine :[[w:Jennifer Hale|Jennifer Hale]] - Katnappe :[[w:Kevin Michael Richardson|Kevin Michael Richardson]] - Pandabubba == See Also == * ''[[Xiaolin Chronicles|Xiaolin Chronicles]] == External links == {{wikipedia}} [[Category:2000s American animated TV shows]] [[Category:Traditionally animated TV shows]] [[Category:Anime-influenced Western animated TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated action TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated science fantasy TV shows]] [[Category:Cancelled shows]] [[Category:Kids' WB shows]] [[Category:Television series by Warner Bros. Animation]] t19884v7q4e01qx7nj3dkbrj18bnxk3 0 19955 3152944 1809713 2022-08-09T16:06:29Z Philip Cross 7192 ce wikitext text/x-wiki '''The Sun''' may refer to: * [[Sun|The Sun]] – the star at the center of Earth's Solar System * [[The Sun (United Kingdom)|''The Sun'' (United Kingdom)]] – a tabloid newspaper published in the United Kingdom and the Republic of Ireland ---- {{disambig}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Sun, The}} f2yd7ngdc5k94nil2ow2eq95bk4bl7z 0 21354 3153007 3150897 2022-08-09T21:24:44Z 207.44.28.19 /* Brittany */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{DISPLAYTITLE:''The Chipmunk Adventure''}} '''''[[w:The Chipmunk Adventure|The Chipmunk Adventure]]''''' is an animated film released in [[w:1987 in film|1987]] by [[w:The Samuel Goldwyn Company|The Samuel Goldwyn Company]], based on the Saturday morning cartoon ''[[Alvin and the Chipmunks]]''. {{center|'''Here's Alvin, Simon and Theodore in their first feature film.'''}} == Alvin == * $100,000? This is fantastic! * ''[to Klaus and Claudia Furschtein]'' $100,000? You're joking, right? ==Brittany== * ''[while the Arabians carry her by the arms]'' If you don't put me down immediately, I'm gonna get very, very rough with you! ==Dialogue== :'''Alvin''': ''[to Dave] '' Please, Dave! I need a little culture in my life, the [[w:Eiffel Tower|Eiffel Tower]], the [[w:Sistine Chapel|Sistine Chapel]], the [[w:Louvre|Louvre]] in [[w:Rome|Rome]]! :'''Simon''': '' [to Alvin]'' The [[w:Louvre|Louvre]] is in [[w:Paris|Paris]], Alvin. :'''Alvin''': ''[to Dave]'' See? I don't even know where the louvre is! Please, take me with you, Dave. :'''Dave''': Alvin, for the (very) last time, this is strictly a business trip, it's just not practical. Besides, I've hired someone very good to take care of you while I'm gone. ''[a car's tire screeches outside, and what sounds like garbage cans crashing are heard; Theodore groans and puts his head in his hand]'' :'''Simon''': Did it have to be Miss. Miller, Dave? :'''Dave''': Now, c’mon, fellas, she's a very nice woman. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Theodore''': Since when did Alvin like playing "Around the World in 30 Days"? :'''Simon''': Since he feels it's as close to a world trip as he'll ever get. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Alvin''': You're lucky this is ''only'' a game! You'd never beat me if this was for REAL! :'''Brittany''': Oh, is that so? :'''Alvin''': Yeah, that's so! If I had the money, I'd race you around the world right now! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Alvin''' C’mon, Simon, help me out. :'''Simon''': Absolutely not! I refuse to be a part of this deception. :'''Alvin''': Ok, Theodore, it's you and me. We just need Dave to say: "Hello, Miss. Miller, I want Alvin, Simon, and Theodore, to meet me in Europe. Bye-bye." Is the tape recorder ready? :'''Theodore''': I think so. :'''Simon''': I can't believe you'd deceive Mrs Miller for a package of Tutti Frutti, Theodore. :'''Theodore''': 2 packages. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Alvin''': Hello? Dave! What a coincidence! We were just talking about you! Sure. Miss. Miller, it’s Dave. He wants to talk to you. :'''Miss. Miller''': Hello? ''[Theodore presses a button and recording starts playing in reverse]'' Huh? ''[rubs her ear]'' :'''Simon''': It's not your hearing aid, Miss. Miller. :'''Alvin''': (''laughs nervously'') It’s a bad connection. ''[glares at Simon]'' :''[Theodore presses a button and the recording starts playing in slow motion]'' :'''Dave''': ''[tape recorder in slow motion]'' Hello, Miss. Miller... :'''Miss. Miller''': David, are you drunk? :''[Theodore presses a button, the recording plays it right, and then then faints]'' :'''Dave''': ''[tape recorder]'' Hello, Miss. Miller. I want Alvin, Simon, and Theodore, to meet me in Europe. Bye-bye. :'''Miss. Miller''': Could you repeat that David? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The chipmunks arrive at Klaus and Claudia's mansion]'' :'''Alvin''': Klaus and Claudia wanted us here at 2:00. I hope we're not too late. :'''Theodore''': Simon, I feel kinda funny about tricking Miss. Miller. :'''Simon''': It's called "guilt", Theodore. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Brittany''': ''[to Alvin]'' So, Alvin, you ''finally'' showed up. :'''Alvin''': ''[to Brittany]'' Well, somebody has to win the race! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The chipmunks land in Mexico]'' :'''Theodore''': Isn't Rio beautiful? :'''Simon''': We're in Mexico, Theodore. :'''Theodore''': Oh! That's what I mean. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Alvin''': I love Athens. The nightlife, the girls, the excitement. :'''Simon''': Alvin, you've ''never'' been to Athens. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Alvin''': Brittany? :'''Brittany''': Alvin, what’re you doing here? :'''Alvin''': We're on our way to Istanbul. What are you doing here? :'''Brittany''': We're on our way to Cairo. :'''Simon''': Uh, have you guys had any, uh, trouble along the way? :'''Jeanette''': Well, there was this guy... :'''Brittany''': ''[covers Jeanette's mouth, shutting her up]'' Uh, we’ve had nothing but smooth sailing. And you? :'''Simon''': Well, actually, I get the feeling... :'''Alvin''': ''[covers Simon's mouth, shutting him up]'' It's been a piece of cake! The only problem we have is crowd control! We're the hottest act in rock-and-roll. But you don't have that problem, do you? :'''Jeanette''': No. :'''Brittany''': Sure, we do. :'''Alvin''': (''chuckles'') No, you don't. :'''Brittany''': Alright, Mr. Popularity! How much d’you wanna bet we can out-rock-and-roll you? :'''Simon''': We've got to keep these two apart. :''[Alvin and Brittany yank Simon and Jeanette away from each other; Theodore is just about to have his couscous and yalanchi donuts]'' :'''Alvin''': ''[grabs Theodore and yanks him away]'' Come on, Theodore! :'''Theodore''': But my couscous! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jeanette''': What's in the ice chest, Eleanor? :'''Eleanor''': Oh, uh, just some cold treats and sandwiches. :'''Brittany''': Oh, Elly! How can you think of food at a time like this? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Alvin''': 3:00 in the morning, and Prince Theodore has a craving for mushrooms! I hope he chokes on 'em! :'''Simon''': Alvin! :'''Alvin''': Well, I've HAD IT! ''[throws down the mushroom plate to the ground in a fit of anger]'' :'''Simon''': Hey, Alvin, look over here. :'''Alvin''': What is it, Simon? :'''Simon''': It's ancient writing that says: "Sacrifice the full moon on the Prince of Plenty." That doesn't make any sense. Oh, how silly of me! It's eyes before eats except after teeth. I got it reversed. It says: "Sacrifice the Prince of Plenty on the full moon." :''[Full moon appears above them]'' :'''Alvin and Simon''': ''[gasp]'' Oh, no! :'''Simon''': They're going to sacrifice Theodore '''tonight!''' :'''Alvin''': Over my dead body! :'''Simon''': You mean, over ''our'' dead bodies. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Claudia''': Children, oh, children. Oh, how good to see you, darling. :'''Alvin''': Don't "children" us! ''[points spear at Klaus and Claudia]'' :'''Brittany''': Yeah, we know all about the diamonds! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Alvin''': Dave! :'''Dave''': Huh? :'''Alvin''': HELP! ''[car speeds off]'' :'''Dave''': Somebody, help! My son's in trouble! :'''Inspector Jamal''': Inspector Jamal. ''[shows Dave his identification card]'' Let's go. ==Voice cast== * [[w:Ross Bagdasarian, Jr.|Ross Bagdasarian]] - Dave Seville, Alvin and Simon * [[w:Janice Karman|Janice Karman]] - Theodore, Brittany, Jeanette, and Eleanor * [[w:Dody Goodman|Dody Goodman]] as Miss Miller * [[w:Anthony De Longis|Anthony De Longis]] - Klaus Furschtein * [[w:Susan Tyrrell|Susan Tyrrell]] - Claudia Furschtein * [[Frank Welker]] - Sophie ===Additional voices=== * [[w:Ken Sansom|Ken Sansom]] - Inspector Jamal, a detective for the [[w:INTERPOL|INTERPOL]] * [[Nancy Cartwright]] - the Arabian Prince * [[w:Charlie Adler|Charles Adler]] * [[w:Philip L. Clarke|Philip Clark]] * [[w:Patrick Pinney|Pat Pinney]] * [[w:George Poulos|George Poulos]] ==External links== {{wikipedia}} *{{imdb title|id=0092752|title=The Chipmunk Adventure}} *{{rotten-tomatoes|id=chipmunk_adventure|title=The Chipmunk Adventure}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Chipmunk Adventure, The}} [[Category:1987 films]] [[Category:American films]] [[Category:Traditionally animated films]] [[Category:Adventure films]] [[Category:Comedy films]] [[Category:Alvin and the Chipmunks films]] [[Category:Films set in Egypt]] [[Category:Films set in Los Angeles]] {{film-stub}} 15otwo0eiqlkj093lxz4fsqoey1vhta 0 21736 3152958 3152698 2022-08-09T17:32:32Z 104.231.249.177 /* Dialogue */ wikitext text/x-wiki '''''[[w:Twister (1996 film)|Twister]]''''' is a [[w:1996 in film|1996 film]] about a group of [[w:Storm chaser|storm chaser]]s trying to learn more about [[w:Tornado|tornado]]es, by putting instruments right in the storm's path. :''Directed by [[w:Jan de Bont|Jan de Bont]]. Written by [[Michael Crichton]] and [[w:Anne-Marie Martin|Anne-Marie Martin]].'' {{center|'''The Dark Side of Nature.''' [[#Taglines|taglines]]}} ==Dialogue== :'''Bill''': Hiya, Jo. :'''Jo''': Hey, Bill. I'm so glad you found us. :'''Bill''': How's it going? :'''Jo''': ''[Briefly looks up at the gathering storm clouds and smiles wide]'' It's going good. did you see the sky today? :'''Bill''': Yeah, she's, uh, she's really talking. :'''Jo''': Catch. ''[Tosses some electrical cables to Bill, who only catches them at the last second]'' It's the biggest series of storms in 12 years; one lined up right after another. [[w:National Severe Storms Laboratory|NSSL]] says they've never seen anything like it. <hr width=50%> :'''Jo:''' ''(when Bill hesitates to drive towards a tornado)'' Have you lost your nerve? :'''Bill:''' ''(laughs)'' Tighten your seatbelt! ''(tightens Jo's seatbelt and drives down the ditch)'' <hr width=50%> :'''Bill:''' Why can't we spend a normal day together? <hr width=50%> :''[Jo and Jonas' chaser teams drive alongside one another on the same road to intercept a tornado. Bill, driving lead with Jo and Melissa, looks up at the tornado, then suddenly steps on the brake, stopping his truck and the rest of the team following]'' :'''Jo''': What're you doing? What're you doing?! :''[Jonas and his driver Eddie briefly look back in confusion, but keep driving]'' :'''Bill''': Look at the updraft, the angle. It's gonna shift its track. :'''Jo''': Are you sure? :'''Bill''': Oh yeah, it's definitely a sidewinder...It'll move left. :'''Melissa''': Is that bad? :'''Bill''': Wasn't there a road back there–? :'''Jo''': ''[Sees what Bill saw]'' You're right. Go, go, go, go, go! :''[Bill quickly reverses, then turns left onto another road, the rest of the team following]'' :'''Melissa''': ''[Her phone rings. She answers]'' Hello? Donald, now's not a very good time for me, I'm – okay, put Julia on... :''[In his truck, Jonas is calculating the track of the tornado. Eddie's watching the tornado, sees it starting to turn.]'' :'''Jonas''': Looking good, looking very good. Alright, now about four miles south, hang a right, let's deploy, and we'll be done. :'''Eddie''': Uh, Dr. Miller? :'''Jonas''': ''[Looks up and sees the tornado's new heading]'' ...Shit, shit, IT'S MOVING AWAY! God! :'''Eddie''': ''[Sees Bill's team down a different road]'' Looks like they're gonna intercept. :'''Jonas''': ''[Looks with his binoculars in surprise at where Bill's team is]'' Dammit, Tony, I thought you told me this thing was gonna stay on the same heading! <hr width=50%> :'''Jo''': ''(after finding a barn full of sharp instruments)'' Oh my God, who are these people?! :'''Bill''': I don't think so! <hr width=50%> :''(a house crashes in front of Bill and Jo and they have no choice but to drive through it)'' :'''Bill''': I think we're going in! ''(they scream as they drive through the house and out the other side)'' ...Maybe we should get off this road. :'''Jo''': I think you're right. <hr width=50%> :'''Dusty''': ''(after Jo and Bill drive through an explosion)'' Jo, Bill did you see that explosion? :'''Jo''': ...We saw it. <hr width=50%> :'''Dusty''': ''(realizes a tornado is coming)'' Jo, Bill, it's coming! It's headed right for us! :'''Bill''': ''(staring at the nearby tornado with Jo and Mellisa)'' It's ''already'' here! ''(to everyone nearby)'' Everybody underground ''now''! <hr width=50%> :''(Bill pulls Jo to the truck as she fights)'' :'''Jo''': Beltzer will tell us if drops near us! :'''Bill''': It's not gonna drop ''near'' us its gonna drop right ''on'' us! :''(they get out just as the tornado drops where they just were)'' <hr width=50%> :'''Jo''': Where's the road Rabbit?! :'''Rabbit''': It should be any second! :''(the group come out on the road a moment later and nearly crash into Jonas' convoy)'' <hr width=50%> :'''Mellisa''': ''(after being caught in a tornado while chasing it with Bill and Jo; frightened to tears)'' When you told me you used to chase tornados, deep down I always thought it was a metaphor! <hr width=50%> :''(Jo and Bill are too busy arguing to notice a tornado)'' :'''Beltzer''': Hey, are you guys gonna wrap this up pretty soon? :'''Bill''': WHAT? :'''Beltzer''': Oh nothing, I was just wondering if, uh, we were going to chase this tornado or if we just catch the next one. :'''Bill''': SHIT!! <hr width=50%> :''[Melissa is giving therapy to a patient over the phone.]'' :'''Melissa''': She did not marry your penis. Ok, she didn't ONLY marry your penis. <hr width=50%> :'''Dusty''': Bill, she just missed the truck! <hr width=50%> ''[After their first attempt to launch Dorthy fails. Jo is picking up parts, while Dusty is chuckling]'' :'''Dusty''': Well, there's some good news. It DID fly. What was it like? :'''Jo''': ...It was windy. :'''Dusty''': Windy. ''[Chuckles]'' That's intense. <hr width=50%> :'''Jo''': ''[After her truck is destroyed, looking over at Bill's truck]'' Do you have full coverage on that truck? :'''Bill''': Liability only. :'''Jo''': Liability only...Well, it's a very pretty truck. :'''Melissa''': Thank you. :''[Bill smiles and realizes what she is thinking]'' :'''Bill''': Don't even think about it. ''[Jo looks at him]'' NO WAY. <hr width=50%/> :'''Rabbit''': You know, Jo, some of us couldn't help but notice how close we are to Wakita. :'''Jo''': No. :'''Sanders''': Aunt Meg wouldn't mind a pit stop, right? :'''Jo''': No! :'''Dusty''': Red meat! We crave sustenance! :'''Jo:''' Guys, we are NOT invading my aunt! :'''Dusty''': F-food! :'''Rest of the Team''': Food! FOOD! :'''Jo''': Hey! We're absolutely not going! <hr width=50%> :'''Rabbit''': Y'know, in a severe lightning storm, you want to grab your ankles and stick your butt in the air. :'''Haynes''': He's right. If you're gonna get hit it's the safest orifice. :'''Joey''': Yeah, I'd like to get hit by lightning once, y'know, see what it's like. <hr width=50%> :'''Rabbit''': God Meg, you got alot of beef. Where'd you get all this beef? :'''Aunt Meg''': Did you see my cows out front? :'''Rabbit''': No. :'''Aunt Meg''': Op...aaah! :''[laughter from everyone]'' :'''Rabbit''': Oh. :'''Dusty''': You slaughter your own cows! Meg, nice! <hr width=50%> :'''Dusty''': So we get this one near Daleton right? :'''Rabbit''': Oh, god. :'''Dusty''': And we are way to close. And Jo's got the vid on it right, she's filming it. And all of the sudden outta nowhere, this shitty lookin' green Valiant comes pulling up right in the way. :'''Beltzer''': ''[points to Bill]'' And this loser stumbles out of the car, he's got like a bottle of Jack Daniel's in his hand... :'''Dusty''': He is naked! :'''Rabbit''': He is ''buck'' naked. :'''Beltzer''': Naked! :'''Bill''': NOT naked! ''[laughter]'' I was not naked! :'''Beltzer''': ''[whispering into Melissa's ear]'' He was without apparel. :'''Bill''': Half naked. :'''Dusty''': Naked. Ok, so Jo's yelling at him to get out of the way, right? ''[laughter]'' And he just strolls up to the twister, says 'have a drink', and he chucks the bottle into the twister, and it NEVER hits the ground. The twister caught it, and sucked it right up! :'''Bill''': Honey, this is a tissue full of lies. See, there was another Bill, an evil Bill, and I killed him. :'''Dusty''': I LOVE THIS GUY! <hr width=50%> :'''Preacher''': No, that was a good size twister. What was it, an F-3? :'''Bill''': Solid F-2. :'''Melissa''': See, now you've lost me again. :'''Bill''': It's the Fujita Scale. It measures the intensity of a tornado by how much it eats. :'''Melissa''': Eats? :'''Bill''': Destroys. :'''Lawrence''': The one we last encountered was a strong F-2, maybe an F-3. :'''Beltzer''': Maybe we'll see some F-4's today. :'''Haynes''': That would be sweet! :'''Bill''': 4 is good. 4 will relocate your house very efficiently. :'''Melissa''': Is there an F-5? ''[silence falls over the group]'' What would that be like? :'''Preacher''': ...The Finger of God. :'''Melissa''': None of you has ever seen an F-5? :'''Bill''': ...Just one of us. <hr width=50%> :''[A combine has just been dropped from a tornado.]'' :'''Jo''': Debris! Dusty, we have Debris! :'''Bill''': DEBRIS? :'''Jo''': Right! Left! Right! Left! :'''Bill''': Which way now? :'''Jo''': I have no idea. <hr width=50%> :''[Bill, driving a truck, has been dodging multiple combines and gone through a house.]'' :'''Bill''': Maybe we should get off of this road. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jo:''' :''[during an argument]'' Can I drive? :'''Bill:''' No! :'''Jo:''' Then will you? :''[the truck is about to hit a tractor]'' :'''Bill:''' WOAH! ''[Swerves away]'' GODDAMN! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jo''': Where's my truck? ''[Jo's truck falls from the sky in the way of Melissa, who's driving Bill's truck. Melissa screams hysterically, while at the same time able to swerve around Jo's wrecked truck]'' There it is. :'''Bill''': Melissa?! :''[Melissa stops the truck, panting and in shock. The rest of the team goes to meet her. Dusty is there first]'' :'''Dusty''': Did you just miss that truck? That's AWESOME! That's AWESOME! <hr width=50%/> :'''Rabbit:''' Uh... yeah, trust me. Rabbit is good, Rabbit is wise. :'''Jo/Bill''': ''[At the same time]'' Oh God/Jesus Christ. :'''Bill''': This is a field, Rabbit! :'''Rabbit''': Yeah, keep going right through that brush. You see that brush right in front of you? :'''Bill''': Yeah, we see it. What's beyond that? :'''Rabbit''': Beyond what? :'''Jo''': Beyond WHAT?! :'''Bill''': THE BRUSH! :'''Jo''': BEYOND THE BRUSH! :'''Bill''': What's beyond that, do we have a brick wall, a bearded lady, WHAT?! :'''Rabbit''': Oh, um...it's the highway! It's the highway! :'''Jo''': ''[Still driving through a field, takes the radio from Bill in frustration]'' Where's the road, Rabbit? :'''Sanders''': Yeah, where's the road, man? :'''Rabbit''': Should be any moment–''[They suddenly reach the road, nearly running into Jonas' team]'' WATCH OUT! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jo:''' :''[cow flies by in the storm]'' Cow. :'''Melissa:''' ''[On the phone]'' I gotta go Julia, we got cows. :'''Jo:''' Another cow. :'''Bill:''' Actually I think that was the same one. <hr width=50%/> :''[Aunt Meg is being loaded into an ambulance]'' :'''Jo:''' Is she going to be OK? :'''Paramedic:''' We'll probably keep her overnight just to be safe. :'''Aunt Meg:''' Overnight? Forget it, I'm all right. :'''Jo:''' You're going to the hospital. :'''Aunt Meg:''' OK, I'll go, but I'm gonna drive myself. :'''Rabbit:''' Honey, your car is in a tree around the corner. :'''Aunt Meg:''' OOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! <hr width=50%> :'''Bill''': Jonas! Son of a bitch! :'''Melissa''': Who is that honey? :'''Bill''': Jonas Miller. He's a nightcrawler. We all started out working in the same lab, but Jonas went out and got some corporate sponsors. He's in it for the money not the science. He has a lot of high tech gadgets, but he's got no instincts, and he doesn't have Dorothy. <hr width=50%/> :'''Dusty''': It's the wonder of nature baby! <hr width=50%/> ''[Bill sees Jonas talking to a camera crew about his D.O.T.3 system, then starts angrily walking toward him]'' :'''Jo''': Bill? :'''Bill''': Why didn't you tell me? :'''Jo''': Bill, don't! :'''Joey''': Uh, what? :'''Jonas''': And what will soon be the center of all studies- ''[Bill punches Jonas off his hat and slams him against his D.O.T.3 system]'' Hey! Hey! HEY! HEY! HEY! HEY! ''[Bill's team goes to stop Bill arguing with Jonas]'' :'''Bill''': You son-of-a-bitch! What, did you think I wasn't gonna find out? :'''Jonas''': Hey guys, get this loser off of me! ''[Bill's team comes to pull Bill off of Jonas, so as Jonas's team pushing Bill away]'' :'''Jonas's team member #1''': Alright! Back off! Back off! :'''Jonas's team member #2''': Put your malfunction, man! :'''Joey''': Come on, he's not worth it! :'''Jonas''': What is the matter with you?! :'''Bill''': ''[Tries to push at Jonas again]'' You stole my design, you son of a bitch! :'''Joey''': Calm down! :'''Jonas''': ''[Pushes Bill back]'' What the hell are you talking about?! :'''Bill''': DOROTHY. You took her, you damn THIEF! :'''Jonas''': ''[Realizes what Bill is talking about and smiles]'' Oh, I get it. You wanna take credit for my designs, is that it? :'''Bill''': You're a liar. She was our idea and you know it! :'''Jonas''': Unrealized idea. Unrealized. :'''Bill''': That thing ain't worth shit! ''[Tries to attack Jonas again, Jo helps stop it]'' :'''Jo''': Hey! Hey, guys! Bill! Guys! GUYS!!! Oh my guys! Get a grip on yourselves. We both know they'll never get that thing up in the air. :'''Joey''': That's right! :'''Jonas''': Well, let me enlighten you people. This baby has satellite com-link. We've got an onboard pulse Doppler, and we've got NEXRAD real-time. Today, we're gonna make history. So stick around, 'cause the days of sniffing the dirt are over. :'''Rabbit''': Better than what you sniff. :'''Bill''': We'll see who gets it first, PAL. :'''Jonas''': Oh, and by the way...''[Referring to Bill's new weatherman job]'' I really enjoy your weather reports. ''[Laughs and walks away]'' ''[Some of Jonas's team members laugh]'' :'''Bill''': ''[Tries to go after Jonas again]'' JEEZ YOU SLIME!!! I'm not through with you, yet! ''[Melissa sees the commotion. Jo's team holds Bill back until Jonas leaves, so as Jonas's team pushing Bill away. Bill then shoves them away, though still fuming]'' :'''Rabbit''': Alright! Alright! :'''Bill''': Come on! Come here! Come on! Come on! Get your hands off of me! Let go of me! OKAY!!! :'''Sanders''': He's a corporate kiss-butt, man! :'''Jo''': ''[Walks to Bill]'' I'm sorry. I should've told you. :'''Bill''': ''[Glaring at Jo]'' ONE DAY. I'll give you one day. Whether she flies or not, I'm gone. <hr width=50%/> :''[last lines]'' :'''Allan''': Hey, Jo, Bill, check out that sky! :'''Jo''': You know what? I think we've seen enough. ''[Turns to kiss Bill]'' ==Taglines== * There is a Mystery. Elusive. Unpredictable. Violent. It terrifies most scientists. But for a new breed... ...the challenge is saving lives. The Research is deadly. And the Laboratory is nature itself. * The Dark Side of Nature. * Don't Breathe. Don't Look Back. * Go for a ride you'll never forget! * If you can hear it, it's already too late! * Nature Sucks. ==Home media== {| Class="wikitable" ! Release date !! Studio |- | August 29, 2004 (VCD) || Warner Bros. |- | May 12, 2020 DVD, Blu-ray & 4K Ultra HD Blu-ray || Disney/20th Century Studios/Blue Sky Studios |- | November 7, 2000 VHS & DVD<br>June 10, 2003 VHS<br>August 2, 2005 DVD<br>March 13, 2007 HD-DVD<br>September 23, 2008 Blu-ray<br>September 10, 2013 DVD, Blu-ray & Blu-ray 3D<br>TBA DVD, Blu-ray & Digital Code (Studio Distribution Services)<br>TBA 4K Ultra HD Blu-ray (Studio Distribution Services) || Universal |} ==Cast== * [[w:Helen Hunt|Helen Hunt]] — Dr. Jo Harding * [[w:Bill Paxton|Bill Paxton]] — Bill 'The Extreme' Harding * [[w:Cary Elwes|Cary Elwes]] — Dr. Jonas Miller * [[w:Jami Gertz|Jami Gertz]] — Dr. Melissa Reeves * [[w:Philip Seymour Hoffman|Philip Seymour Hoffman]] — Dustin 'Dusty' Davis * [[w:Lois Smith|Lois Smith]] — Meg Greene * [[w:Alan Ruck|Alan Ruck]] — Robert 'Rabbit' Nurick * [[w:Sean Whalen|Sean Whalen]] — Allan Sanders * [[w:Scott Thomson|Scott Thomson]] — Jason 'Preacher' Rowe * [[w:Todd Field|Todd Field]] — Tim 'Beltzer' Lewis ==External links== {{wikipedia|Twister (1996 film)}} * {{imdb title| id=0117998 |title=Twister}} * {{rotten-tomatoes| id=1071167-twister |title=Twister}} [[Category:1996 films]] [[Category:American films]] [[Category:Films about natural disasters]] [[Category:Screenplays by Michael Crichton]] [[Category:Screenplays by Joss Whedon]] [[Category:Action thriller films]] [[Category:Films set in Oklahoma]] d05oekdlnytr5npi0ffpzozyqsq9rdy 3152988 3152958 2022-08-09T19:53:05Z 104.231.249.177 /* Dialogue */ wikitext text/x-wiki '''''[[w:Twister (1996 film)|Twister]]''''' is a [[w:1996 in film|1996 film]] about a group of [[w:Storm chaser|storm chaser]]s trying to learn more about [[w:Tornado|tornado]]es, by putting instruments right in the storm's path. :''Directed by [[w:Jan de Bont|Jan de Bont]]. Written by [[Michael Crichton]] and [[w:Anne-Marie Martin|Anne-Marie Martin]].'' {{center|'''The Dark Side of Nature.''' [[#Taglines|taglines]]}} ==Dialogue== :'''Bill''': Hiya, Jo. :'''Jo''': Hey, Bill. I'm so glad you found us. :'''Bill''': How's it going? :'''Jo''': ''[Briefly looks up at the gathering storm clouds and smiles wide]'' It's going good. did you see the sky today? :'''Bill''': Yeah, she's, uh, she's really talking. :'''Jo''': Catch. ''[Tosses some electrical cables to Bill, who only catches them at the last second]'' It's the biggest series of storms in 12 years; one lined up right after another. [[w:National Severe Storms Laboratory|NSSL]] says they've never seen anything like it. <hr width=50%> :''[Dorthey is first shown for Bill]'' :'''Dusty''': How sweet is that? Bill's concept, man. Ohh, The Extreme, man, it came from his brain. :'''Bill''': I had a hand in it. :'''Melissa''': Wow, it is great...what is it? :'''Bill''': It's an instrument pack for studying tornadoes. First one in history. :'''Jo''': It's very exciting. Scientists have been studying tornadoes forever, but still, nobody knows how a tornado works. We have no idea what is going on inside because nobody's ever been able to take scientific measurements from inside the funnel. That's what..."she" is going to do. :'''Melissa''': How? :'''Jo''': We put her up inside a tornado, she opens...''[Presses a button that opens the top of Dorthey, and pulls out a sensor, handing it to Melissa to look at]'' And releases hundreds of these sensors that measure all parts of the tornado simultaneously. :'''Bill''': See Melissa, it's like this: these sensors go up the funnel and radio back information about the internal structure, wind velocities, flow asymmetries; we could learn more in 30 seconds then they have in the past 30 years. It's going to profile a tornado for the first time. :'''Melissa''': And what will that do? :'''Bill''': If we knew how a tornado really worked, we could design an advanced warning system. :'''Melissa''': Aren't there already tornado warnings? :'''Bill''': Well the systems'– :'''Jo''': They're not good enough. They're nowhere near good enough. Right now, it's 3 minutes. If we can get this new information, we can increase warning time to 15 minutes. :'''Bill''': Give people the chance to get to safety. At least that's what these guys are trying to do. ''[The team cheers]'' I can't believe you actually did it. :'''Jo''': Well, ''we'' did it. :'''Melissa''': How-how do you get it ''in'' the tornado? :'''Bill''': Well, you gotta get in front of the tornado and put it in the damage path, and then get out again before it picks you up to. :'''Dusty''': ''[Whispers to Melissa]'' It's the "suck zone". :'''Melissa''': ''[Understanding]'' Oh... <hr width=50%> :'''Jo:''' ''(when Bill hesitates to drive towards a tornado)'' Have you lost your nerve? :'''Bill:''' ''(laughs)'' Tighten your seatbelt! ''(tightens Jo's seatbelt and drives down the ditch)'' <hr width=50%> :'''Bill:''' Why can't we spend a normal day together? <hr width=50%> :''[Jo and Jonas' chaser teams drive alongside one another on the same road to intercept a tornado. Bill, driving lead with Jo and Melissa, looks up at the tornado, then suddenly steps on the brake, stopping his truck and the rest of the team following]'' :'''Jo''': What're you doing? What're you doing?! :''[Jonas and his driver Eddie briefly look back in confusion, but keep driving]'' :'''Bill''': Look at the updraft, the angle. It's gonna shift its track. :'''Jo''': Are you sure? :'''Bill''': Oh yeah, it's definitely a sidewinder...It'll move left. :'''Melissa''': Is that bad? :'''Bill''': Wasn't there a road back there–? :'''Jo''': ''[Sees what Bill saw]'' You're right. Go, go, go, go, go! :''[Bill quickly reverses, then turns left onto another road, the rest of the team following]'' :'''Melissa''': ''[Her phone rings. She answers]'' Hello? Donald, now's not a very good time for me, I'm – okay, put Julia on... :''[In his truck, Jonas is calculating the track of the tornado. Eddie's watching the tornado, sees it starting to turn.]'' :'''Jonas''': Looking good, looking very good. Alright, now about four miles south, hang a right, let's deploy, and we'll be done. :'''Eddie''': Uh, Dr. Miller? :'''Jonas''': ''[Looks up and sees the tornado's new heading]'' ...Shit, shit, IT'S MOVING AWAY! God! :'''Eddie''': ''[Sees Bill's team down a different road]'' Looks like they're gonna intercept. :'''Jonas''': ''[Looks with his binoculars in surprise at where Bill's team is]'' Dammit, Tony, I thought you told me this thing was gonna stay on the same heading! <hr width=50%> :'''Jo''': ''(after finding a barn full of sharp instruments)'' Oh my God, who are these people?! :'''Bill''': I don't think so! <hr width=50%> :''(a house crashes in front of Bill and Jo and they have no choice but to drive through it)'' :'''Bill''': I think we're going in! ''(they scream as they drive through the house and out the other side)'' ...Maybe we should get off this road. :'''Jo''': I think you're right. <hr width=50%> :'''Dusty''': ''(after Jo and Bill drive through an explosion)'' Jo, Bill did you see that explosion? :'''Jo''': ...We saw it. <hr width=50%> :'''Dusty''': ''(realizes a tornado is coming)'' Jo, Bill, it's coming! It's headed right for us! :'''Bill''': ''(staring at the nearby tornado with Jo and Mellisa)'' It's ''already'' here! ''(to everyone nearby)'' Everybody underground ''now''! <hr width=50%> :''(Bill pulls Jo to the truck as she fights)'' :'''Jo''': Beltzer will tell us if drops near us! :'''Bill''': It's not gonna drop ''near'' us its gonna drop right ''on'' us! :''(they get out just as the tornado drops where they just were)'' <hr width=50%> :'''Jo''': Where's the road Rabbit?! :'''Rabbit''': It should be any second! :''(the group come out on the road a moment later and nearly crash into Jonas' convoy)'' <hr width=50%> :'''Mellisa''': ''(after being caught in a tornado while chasing it with Bill and Jo; frightened to tears)'' When you told me you used to chase tornados, deep down I always thought it was a metaphor! <hr width=50%> :''(Jo and Bill are too busy arguing to notice a tornado)'' :'''Beltzer''': Hey, are you guys gonna wrap this up pretty soon? :'''Bill''': WHAT? :'''Beltzer''': Oh nothing, I was just wondering if, uh, we were going to chase this tornado or if we just catch the next one. :'''Bill''': SHIT!! <hr width=50%> :''[Melissa is giving therapy to a patient over the phone.]'' :'''Melissa''': She did not marry your penis. Ok, she didn't ONLY marry your penis. <hr width=50%> :'''Dusty''': Bill, she just missed the truck! <hr width=50%> ''[After their first attempt to launch Dorthy fails. Jo is picking up parts, while Dusty is chuckling]'' :'''Dusty''': Well, there's some good news. It DID fly. What was it like? :'''Jo''': ...It was windy. :'''Dusty''': Windy. ''[Chuckles]'' That's intense. <hr width=50%> :'''Jo''': ''[After her truck is destroyed, looking over at Bill's truck]'' Do you have full coverage on that truck? :'''Bill''': Liability only. :'''Jo''': Liability only...Well, it's a very pretty truck. :'''Melissa''': Thank you. :''[Bill smiles and realizes what she is thinking]'' :'''Bill''': Don't even think about it. ''[Jo looks at him]'' NO WAY. <hr width=50%/> :'''Rabbit''': You know, Jo, some of us couldn't help but notice how close we are to Wakita. :'''Jo''': No. :'''Sanders''': Aunt Meg wouldn't mind a pit stop, right? :'''Jo''': No! :'''Dusty''': Red meat! We crave sustenance! :'''Jo:''' Guys, we are NOT invading my aunt! :'''Dusty''': F-food! :'''Rest of the Team''': Food! FOOD! :'''Jo''': Hey! We're absolutely not going! <hr width=50%> :'''Rabbit''': Y'know, in a severe lightning storm, you want to grab your ankles and stick your butt in the air. :'''Haynes''': He's right. If you're gonna get hit it's the safest orifice. :'''Joey''': Yeah, I'd like to get hit by lightning once, y'know, see what it's like. <hr width=50%> :'''Rabbit''': God Meg, you got alot of beef. Where'd you get all this beef? :'''Aunt Meg''': Did you see my cows out front? :'''Rabbit''': No. :'''Aunt Meg''': Op...aaah! :''[laughter from everyone]'' :'''Rabbit''': Oh. :'''Dusty''': You slaughter your own cows! Meg, nice! <hr width=50%> :'''Dusty''': So we get this one near Daleton right? :'''Rabbit''': Oh, god. :'''Dusty''': And we are way to close. And Jo's got the vid on it right, she's filming it. And all of the sudden outta nowhere, this shitty lookin' green Valiant comes pulling up right in the way. :'''Beltzer''': ''[points to Bill]'' And this loser stumbles out of the car, he's got like a bottle of Jack Daniel's in his hand... :'''Dusty''': He is naked! :'''Rabbit''': He is ''buck'' naked. :'''Beltzer''': Naked! :'''Bill''': NOT naked! ''[laughter]'' I was not naked! :'''Beltzer''': ''[whispering into Melissa's ear]'' He was without apparel. :'''Bill''': Half naked. :'''Dusty''': Naked. Ok, so Jo's yelling at him to get out of the way, right? ''[laughter]'' And he just strolls up to the twister, says 'have a drink', and he chucks the bottle into the twister, and it NEVER hits the ground. The twister caught it, and sucked it right up! :'''Bill''': Honey, this is a tissue full of lies. See, there was another Bill, an evil Bill, and I killed him. :'''Dusty''': I LOVE THIS GUY! <hr width=50%> :'''Preacher''': No, that was a good size twister. What was it, an F-3? :'''Bill''': Solid F-2. :'''Melissa''': See, now you've lost me again. :'''Bill''': It's the Fujita Scale. It measures the intensity of a tornado by how much it eats. :'''Melissa''': Eats? :'''Bill''': Destroys. :'''Lawrence''': The one we last encountered was a strong F-2, maybe an F-3. :'''Beltzer''': Maybe we'll see some F-4's today. :'''Haynes''': That would be sweet! :'''Bill''': 4 is good. 4 will relocate your house very efficiently. :'''Melissa''': Is there an F-5? ''[silence falls over the group]'' What would that be like? :'''Preacher''': ...The Finger of God. :'''Melissa''': None of you has ever seen an F-5? :'''Bill''': ...Just one of us. <hr width=50%> :''[A combine has just been dropped from a tornado.]'' :'''Jo''': Debris! Dusty, we have Debris! :'''Bill''': DEBRIS? :'''Jo''': Right! Left! Right! Left! :'''Bill''': Which way now? :'''Jo''': I have no idea. <hr width=50%> :''[Bill, driving a truck, has been dodging multiple combines and gone through a house.]'' :'''Bill''': Maybe we should get off of this road. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jo:''' :''[during an argument]'' Can I drive? :'''Bill:''' No! :'''Jo:''' Then will you? :''[the truck is about to hit a tractor]'' :'''Bill:''' WOAH! ''[Swerves away]'' GODDAMN! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jo''': Where's my truck? ''[Jo's truck falls from the sky in the way of Melissa, who's driving Bill's truck. Melissa screams hysterically, while at the same time able to swerve around Jo's wrecked truck]'' There it is. :'''Bill''': Melissa?! :''[Melissa stops the truck, panting and in shock. The rest of the team goes to meet her. Dusty is there first]'' :'''Dusty''': Did you just miss that truck? That's AWESOME! That's AWESOME! <hr width=50%/> :'''Rabbit:''' Uh... yeah, trust me. Rabbit is good, Rabbit is wise. :'''Jo/Bill''': ''[At the same time]'' Oh God/Jesus Christ. :'''Bill''': This is a field, Rabbit! :'''Rabbit''': Yeah, keep going right through that brush. You see that brush right in front of you? :'''Bill''': Yeah, we see it. What's beyond that? :'''Rabbit''': Beyond what? :'''Jo''': Beyond WHAT?! :'''Bill''': THE BRUSH! :'''Jo''': BEYOND THE BRUSH! :'''Bill''': What's beyond that, do we have a brick wall, a bearded lady, WHAT?! :'''Rabbit''': Oh, um...it's the highway! It's the highway! :'''Jo''': ''[Still driving through a field, takes the radio from Bill in frustration]'' Where's the road, Rabbit? :'''Sanders''': Yeah, where's the road, man? :'''Rabbit''': Should be any moment–''[They suddenly reach the road, nearly running into Jonas' team]'' WATCH OUT! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jo:''' :''[cow flies by in the storm]'' Cow. :'''Melissa:''' ''[On the phone]'' I gotta go Julia, we got cows. :'''Jo:''' Another cow. :'''Bill:''' Actually I think that was the same one. <hr width=50%/> :''[Aunt Meg is being loaded into an ambulance]'' :'''Jo:''' Is she going to be OK? :'''Paramedic:''' We'll probably keep her overnight just to be safe. :'''Aunt Meg:''' Overnight? Forget it, I'm all right. :'''Jo:''' You're going to the hospital. :'''Aunt Meg:''' OK, I'll go, but I'm gonna drive myself. :'''Rabbit:''' Honey, your car is in a tree around the corner. :'''Aunt Meg:''' OOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! <hr width=50%> :'''Bill''': Jonas! Son of a bitch! :'''Melissa''': Who is that honey? :'''Bill''': Jonas Miller. He's a nightcrawler. We all started out working in the same lab, but Jonas went out and got some corporate sponsors. He's in it for the money not the science. He has a lot of high tech gadgets, but he's got no instincts, and he doesn't have Dorothy. <hr width=50%/> :'''Dusty''': It's the wonder of nature baby! <hr width=50%/> ''[Bill sees Jonas talking to a camera crew about his D.O.T.3 system, then starts angrily walking toward him]'' :'''Jo''': Bill? :'''Bill''': Why didn't you tell me? :'''Jo''': Bill, don't! :'''Joey''': Uh, what? :'''Jonas''': And what will soon be the center of all studies- ''[Bill punches Jonas off his hat and slams him against his D.O.T.3 system]'' Hey! Hey! HEY! HEY! HEY! HEY! ''[Bill's team goes to stop Bill arguing with Jonas]'' :'''Bill''': You son-of-a-bitch! What, did you think I wasn't gonna find out? :'''Jonas''': Hey guys, get this loser off of me! ''[Bill's team comes to pull Bill off of Jonas, so as Jonas's team pushing Bill away]'' :'''Jonas's team member #1''': Alright! Back off! Back off! :'''Jonas's team member #2''': Put your malfunction, man! :'''Joey''': Come on, he's not worth it! :'''Jonas''': What is the matter with you?! :'''Bill''': ''[Tries to push at Jonas again]'' You stole my design, you son of a bitch! :'''Joey''': Calm down! :'''Jonas''': ''[Pushes Bill back]'' What the hell are you talking about?! :'''Bill''': DOROTHY. You took her, you damn THIEF! :'''Jonas''': ''[Realizes what Bill is talking about and smiles]'' Oh, I get it. You wanna take credit for my designs, is that it? :'''Bill''': You're a liar. She was our idea and you know it! :'''Jonas''': Unrealized idea. Unrealized. :'''Bill''': That thing ain't worth shit! ''[Tries to attack Jonas again, Jo helps stop it]'' :'''Jo''': Hey! Hey, guys! Bill! Guys! GUYS!!! Oh my guys! Get a grip on yourselves. We both know they'll never get that thing up in the air. :'''Joey''': That's right! :'''Jonas''': Well, let me enlighten you people. This baby has satellite com-link. We've got an onboard pulse Doppler, and we've got NEXRAD real-time. Today, we're gonna make history. So stick around, 'cause the days of sniffing the dirt are over. :'''Rabbit''': Better than what you sniff. :'''Bill''': We'll see who gets it first, PAL. :'''Jonas''': Oh, and by the way...''[Referring to Bill's new weatherman job]'' I really enjoy your weather reports. ''[Laughs and walks away]'' ''[Some of Jonas's team members laugh]'' :'''Bill''': ''[Tries to go after Jonas again]'' JEEZ YOU SLIME!!! I'm not through with you, yet! ''[Melissa sees the commotion. Jo's team holds Bill back until Jonas leaves, so as Jonas's team pushing Bill away. Bill then shoves them away, though still fuming]'' :'''Rabbit''': Alright! Alright! :'''Bill''': Come on! Come here! Come on! Come on! Get your hands off of me! Let go of me! OKAY!!! :'''Sanders''': He's a corporate kiss-butt, man! :'''Jo''': ''[Walks to Bill]'' I'm sorry. I should've told you. :'''Bill''': ''[Glaring at Jo]'' ONE DAY. I'll give you one day. Whether she flies or not, I'm gone. <hr width=50%/> :''[last lines]'' :'''Allan''': Hey, Jo, Bill, check out that sky! :'''Jo''': You know what? I think we've seen enough. ''[Turns to kiss Bill]'' ==Taglines== * There is a Mystery. Elusive. Unpredictable. Violent. It terrifies most scientists. But for a new breed... ...the challenge is saving lives. The Research is deadly. And the Laboratory is nature itself. * The Dark Side of Nature. * Don't Breathe. Don't Look Back. * Go for a ride you'll never forget! * If you can hear it, it's already too late! * Nature Sucks. ==Home media== {| Class="wikitable" ! Release date !! Studio |- | August 29, 2004 (VCD) || Warner Bros. |- | May 12, 2020 DVD, Blu-ray & 4K Ultra HD Blu-ray || Disney/20th Century Studios/Blue Sky Studios |- | November 7, 2000 VHS & DVD<br>June 10, 2003 VHS<br>August 2, 2005 DVD<br>March 13, 2007 HD-DVD<br>September 23, 2008 Blu-ray<br>September 10, 2013 DVD, Blu-ray & Blu-ray 3D<br>TBA DVD, Blu-ray & Digital Code (Studio Distribution Services)<br>TBA 4K Ultra HD Blu-ray (Studio Distribution Services) || Universal |} ==Cast== * [[w:Helen Hunt|Helen Hunt]] — Dr. Jo Harding * [[w:Bill Paxton|Bill Paxton]] — Bill 'The Extreme' Harding * [[w:Cary Elwes|Cary Elwes]] — Dr. Jonas Miller * [[w:Jami Gertz|Jami Gertz]] — Dr. Melissa Reeves * [[w:Philip Seymour Hoffman|Philip Seymour Hoffman]] — Dustin 'Dusty' Davis * [[w:Lois Smith|Lois Smith]] — Meg Greene * [[w:Alan Ruck|Alan Ruck]] — Robert 'Rabbit' Nurick * [[w:Sean Whalen|Sean Whalen]] — Allan Sanders * [[w:Scott Thomson|Scott Thomson]] — Jason 'Preacher' Rowe * [[w:Todd Field|Todd Field]] — Tim 'Beltzer' Lewis ==External links== {{wikipedia|Twister (1996 film)}} * {{imdb title| id=0117998 |title=Twister}} * {{rotten-tomatoes| id=1071167-twister |title=Twister}} [[Category:1996 films]] [[Category:American films]] [[Category:Films about natural disasters]] [[Category:Screenplays by Michael Crichton]] [[Category:Screenplays by Joss Whedon]] [[Category:Action thriller films]] [[Category:Films set in Oklahoma]] m5nv6h9dat1cxw26y3i4aun9kxs47cx 3152989 3152988 2022-08-09T19:53:21Z 104.231.249.177 /* Dialogue */ wikitext text/x-wiki '''''[[w:Twister (1996 film)|Twister]]''''' is a [[w:1996 in film|1996 film]] about a group of [[w:Storm chaser|storm chaser]]s trying to learn more about [[w:Tornado|tornado]]es, by putting instruments right in the storm's path. :''Directed by [[w:Jan de Bont|Jan de Bont]]. Written by [[Michael Crichton]] and [[w:Anne-Marie Martin|Anne-Marie Martin]].'' {{center|'''The Dark Side of Nature.''' [[#Taglines|taglines]]}} ==Dialogue== :'''Bill''': Hiya, Jo. :'''Jo''': Hey, Bill. I'm so glad you found us. :'''Bill''': How's it going? :'''Jo''': ''[Briefly looks up at the gathering storm clouds and smiles wide]'' It's going good. did you see the sky today? :'''Bill''': Yeah, she's, uh, she's really talking. :'''Jo''': Catch. ''[Tosses some electrical cables to Bill, who only catches them at the last second]'' It's the biggest series of storms in 12 years; one lined up right after another. [[w:National Severe Storms Laboratory|NSSL]] says they've never seen anything like it. <hr width=50%> :''[Dorthey is first shown for Bill]'' :'''Dusty''': How sweet is that? Bill's concept, man. Ohh, The Extreme, man, it came from his brain. :'''Bill''': I had a hand in it. :'''Melissa''': Wow, it is great...what is it? :'''Bill''': It's an instrument pack for studying tornadoes. First one in history. :'''Jo''': It's very exciting. Scientists have been studying tornadoes forever, but still, nobody knows how a tornado works. We have no idea what is going on inside because nobody's ever been able to take scientific measurements from inside the funnel. That's what..."she" is going to do. :'''Melissa''': How? :'''Jo''': We put her up inside a tornado, she opens...''[Presses a button that opens the top of Dorthey, and pulls out a sensor, handing it to Melissa to look at]'' And releases hundreds of these sensors that measure all parts of the tornado simultaneously. :'''Bill''': See Melissa, it's like this: these sensors go up the funnel and radio back information about the internal structure, wind velocities, flow asymmetries; we could learn more in 30 seconds then they have in the past 30 years. It's going to profile a tornado for the first time. :'''Melissa''': And what will that do? :'''Bill''': If we knew how a tornado really worked, we could design an advanced warning system. :'''Melissa''': Aren't there already tornado warnings? :'''Bill''': Well the systems'– :'''Jo''': They're not good enough. They're nowhere near good enough. Right now, it's 3 minutes. If we can get this new information, we can increase warning time to 15 minutes. :'''Bill''': Give people the chance to get to safety. At least that's what these guys are trying to do. ''[The team cheers]'' I can't believe you actually did it. :'''Jo''': Well, ''we'' did it. :'''Melissa''': How-how do you get it ''in'' the tornado? :'''Bill''': Well, you gotta get in front of the tornado and put it in the damage path, and then get out again before it picks you up too. :'''Dusty''': ''[Whispers to Melissa]'' It's the "suck zone". :'''Melissa''': ''[Understanding]'' Oh... <hr width=50%> :'''Jo:''' ''(when Bill hesitates to drive towards a tornado)'' Have you lost your nerve? :'''Bill:''' ''(laughs)'' Tighten your seatbelt! ''(tightens Jo's seatbelt and drives down the ditch)'' <hr width=50%> :'''Bill:''' Why can't we spend a normal day together? <hr width=50%> :''[Jo and Jonas' chaser teams drive alongside one another on the same road to intercept a tornado. Bill, driving lead with Jo and Melissa, looks up at the tornado, then suddenly steps on the brake, stopping his truck and the rest of the team following]'' :'''Jo''': What're you doing? What're you doing?! :''[Jonas and his driver Eddie briefly look back in confusion, but keep driving]'' :'''Bill''': Look at the updraft, the angle. It's gonna shift its track. :'''Jo''': Are you sure? :'''Bill''': Oh yeah, it's definitely a sidewinder...It'll move left. :'''Melissa''': Is that bad? :'''Bill''': Wasn't there a road back there–? :'''Jo''': ''[Sees what Bill saw]'' You're right. Go, go, go, go, go! :''[Bill quickly reverses, then turns left onto another road, the rest of the team following]'' :'''Melissa''': ''[Her phone rings. She answers]'' Hello? Donald, now's not a very good time for me, I'm – okay, put Julia on... :''[In his truck, Jonas is calculating the track of the tornado. Eddie's watching the tornado, sees it starting to turn.]'' :'''Jonas''': Looking good, looking very good. Alright, now about four miles south, hang a right, let's deploy, and we'll be done. :'''Eddie''': Uh, Dr. Miller? :'''Jonas''': ''[Looks up and sees the tornado's new heading]'' ...Shit, shit, IT'S MOVING AWAY! God! :'''Eddie''': ''[Sees Bill's team down a different road]'' Looks like they're gonna intercept. :'''Jonas''': ''[Looks with his binoculars in surprise at where Bill's team is]'' Dammit, Tony, I thought you told me this thing was gonna stay on the same heading! <hr width=50%> :'''Jo''': ''(after finding a barn full of sharp instruments)'' Oh my God, who are these people?! :'''Bill''': I don't think so! <hr width=50%> :''(a house crashes in front of Bill and Jo and they have no choice but to drive through it)'' :'''Bill''': I think we're going in! ''(they scream as they drive through the house and out the other side)'' ...Maybe we should get off this road. :'''Jo''': I think you're right. <hr width=50%> :'''Dusty''': ''(after Jo and Bill drive through an explosion)'' Jo, Bill did you see that explosion? :'''Jo''': ...We saw it. <hr width=50%> :'''Dusty''': ''(realizes a tornado is coming)'' Jo, Bill, it's coming! It's headed right for us! :'''Bill''': ''(staring at the nearby tornado with Jo and Mellisa)'' It's ''already'' here! ''(to everyone nearby)'' Everybody underground ''now''! <hr width=50%> :''(Bill pulls Jo to the truck as she fights)'' :'''Jo''': Beltzer will tell us if drops near us! :'''Bill''': It's not gonna drop ''near'' us its gonna drop right ''on'' us! :''(they get out just as the tornado drops where they just were)'' <hr width=50%> :'''Jo''': Where's the road Rabbit?! :'''Rabbit''': It should be any second! :''(the group come out on the road a moment later and nearly crash into Jonas' convoy)'' <hr width=50%> :'''Mellisa''': ''(after being caught in a tornado while chasing it with Bill and Jo; frightened to tears)'' When you told me you used to chase tornados, deep down I always thought it was a metaphor! <hr width=50%> :''(Jo and Bill are too busy arguing to notice a tornado)'' :'''Beltzer''': Hey, are you guys gonna wrap this up pretty soon? :'''Bill''': WHAT? :'''Beltzer''': Oh nothing, I was just wondering if, uh, we were going to chase this tornado or if we just catch the next one. :'''Bill''': SHIT!! <hr width=50%> :''[Melissa is giving therapy to a patient over the phone.]'' :'''Melissa''': She did not marry your penis. Ok, she didn't ONLY marry your penis. <hr width=50%> :'''Dusty''': Bill, she just missed the truck! <hr width=50%> ''[After their first attempt to launch Dorthy fails. Jo is picking up parts, while Dusty is chuckling]'' :'''Dusty''': Well, there's some good news. It DID fly. What was it like? :'''Jo''': ...It was windy. :'''Dusty''': Windy. ''[Chuckles]'' That's intense. <hr width=50%> :'''Jo''': ''[After her truck is destroyed, looking over at Bill's truck]'' Do you have full coverage on that truck? :'''Bill''': Liability only. :'''Jo''': Liability only...Well, it's a very pretty truck. :'''Melissa''': Thank you. :''[Bill smiles and realizes what she is thinking]'' :'''Bill''': Don't even think about it. ''[Jo looks at him]'' NO WAY. <hr width=50%/> :'''Rabbit''': You know, Jo, some of us couldn't help but notice how close we are to Wakita. :'''Jo''': No. :'''Sanders''': Aunt Meg wouldn't mind a pit stop, right? :'''Jo''': No! :'''Dusty''': Red meat! We crave sustenance! :'''Jo:''' Guys, we are NOT invading my aunt! :'''Dusty''': F-food! :'''Rest of the Team''': Food! FOOD! :'''Jo''': Hey! We're absolutely not going! <hr width=50%> :'''Rabbit''': Y'know, in a severe lightning storm, you want to grab your ankles and stick your butt in the air. :'''Haynes''': He's right. If you're gonna get hit it's the safest orifice. :'''Joey''': Yeah, I'd like to get hit by lightning once, y'know, see what it's like. <hr width=50%> :'''Rabbit''': God Meg, you got alot of beef. Where'd you get all this beef? :'''Aunt Meg''': Did you see my cows out front? :'''Rabbit''': No. :'''Aunt Meg''': Op...aaah! :''[laughter from everyone]'' :'''Rabbit''': Oh. :'''Dusty''': You slaughter your own cows! Meg, nice! <hr width=50%> :'''Dusty''': So we get this one near Daleton right? :'''Rabbit''': Oh, god. :'''Dusty''': And we are way to close. And Jo's got the vid on it right, she's filming it. And all of the sudden outta nowhere, this shitty lookin' green Valiant comes pulling up right in the way. :'''Beltzer''': ''[points to Bill]'' And this loser stumbles out of the car, he's got like a bottle of Jack Daniel's in his hand... :'''Dusty''': He is naked! :'''Rabbit''': He is ''buck'' naked. :'''Beltzer''': Naked! :'''Bill''': NOT naked! ''[laughter]'' I was not naked! :'''Beltzer''': ''[whispering into Melissa's ear]'' He was without apparel. :'''Bill''': Half naked. :'''Dusty''': Naked. Ok, so Jo's yelling at him to get out of the way, right? ''[laughter]'' And he just strolls up to the twister, says 'have a drink', and he chucks the bottle into the twister, and it NEVER hits the ground. The twister caught it, and sucked it right up! :'''Bill''': Honey, this is a tissue full of lies. See, there was another Bill, an evil Bill, and I killed him. :'''Dusty''': I LOVE THIS GUY! <hr width=50%> :'''Preacher''': No, that was a good size twister. What was it, an F-3? :'''Bill''': Solid F-2. :'''Melissa''': See, now you've lost me again. :'''Bill''': It's the Fujita Scale. It measures the intensity of a tornado by how much it eats. :'''Melissa''': Eats? :'''Bill''': Destroys. :'''Lawrence''': The one we last encountered was a strong F-2, maybe an F-3. :'''Beltzer''': Maybe we'll see some F-4's today. :'''Haynes''': That would be sweet! :'''Bill''': 4 is good. 4 will relocate your house very efficiently. :'''Melissa''': Is there an F-5? ''[silence falls over the group]'' What would that be like? :'''Preacher''': ...The Finger of God. :'''Melissa''': None of you has ever seen an F-5? :'''Bill''': ...Just one of us. <hr width=50%> :''[A combine has just been dropped from a tornado.]'' :'''Jo''': Debris! Dusty, we have Debris! :'''Bill''': DEBRIS? :'''Jo''': Right! Left! Right! Left! :'''Bill''': Which way now? :'''Jo''': I have no idea. <hr width=50%> :''[Bill, driving a truck, has been dodging multiple combines and gone through a house.]'' :'''Bill''': Maybe we should get off of this road. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jo:''' :''[during an argument]'' Can I drive? :'''Bill:''' No! :'''Jo:''' Then will you? :''[the truck is about to hit a tractor]'' :'''Bill:''' WOAH! ''[Swerves away]'' GODDAMN! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jo''': Where's my truck? ''[Jo's truck falls from the sky in the way of Melissa, who's driving Bill's truck. Melissa screams hysterically, while at the same time able to swerve around Jo's wrecked truck]'' There it is. :'''Bill''': Melissa?! :''[Melissa stops the truck, panting and in shock. The rest of the team goes to meet her. Dusty is there first]'' :'''Dusty''': Did you just miss that truck? That's AWESOME! That's AWESOME! <hr width=50%/> :'''Rabbit:''' Uh... yeah, trust me. Rabbit is good, Rabbit is wise. :'''Jo/Bill''': ''[At the same time]'' Oh God/Jesus Christ. :'''Bill''': This is a field, Rabbit! :'''Rabbit''': Yeah, keep going right through that brush. You see that brush right in front of you? :'''Bill''': Yeah, we see it. What's beyond that? :'''Rabbit''': Beyond what? :'''Jo''': Beyond WHAT?! :'''Bill''': THE BRUSH! :'''Jo''': BEYOND THE BRUSH! :'''Bill''': What's beyond that, do we have a brick wall, a bearded lady, WHAT?! :'''Rabbit''': Oh, um...it's the highway! It's the highway! :'''Jo''': ''[Still driving through a field, takes the radio from Bill in frustration]'' Where's the road, Rabbit? :'''Sanders''': Yeah, where's the road, man? :'''Rabbit''': Should be any moment–''[They suddenly reach the road, nearly running into Jonas' team]'' WATCH OUT! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jo:''' :''[cow flies by in the storm]'' Cow. :'''Melissa:''' ''[On the phone]'' I gotta go Julia, we got cows. :'''Jo:''' Another cow. :'''Bill:''' Actually I think that was the same one. <hr width=50%/> :''[Aunt Meg is being loaded into an ambulance]'' :'''Jo:''' Is she going to be OK? :'''Paramedic:''' We'll probably keep her overnight just to be safe. :'''Aunt Meg:''' Overnight? Forget it, I'm all right. :'''Jo:''' You're going to the hospital. :'''Aunt Meg:''' OK, I'll go, but I'm gonna drive myself. :'''Rabbit:''' Honey, your car is in a tree around the corner. :'''Aunt Meg:''' OOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! <hr width=50%> :'''Bill''': Jonas! Son of a bitch! :'''Melissa''': Who is that honey? :'''Bill''': Jonas Miller. He's a nightcrawler. We all started out working in the same lab, but Jonas went out and got some corporate sponsors. He's in it for the money not the science. He has a lot of high tech gadgets, but he's got no instincts, and he doesn't have Dorothy. <hr width=50%/> :'''Dusty''': It's the wonder of nature baby! <hr width=50%/> ''[Bill sees Jonas talking to a camera crew about his D.O.T.3 system, then starts angrily walking toward him]'' :'''Jo''': Bill? :'''Bill''': Why didn't you tell me? :'''Jo''': Bill, don't! :'''Joey''': Uh, what? :'''Jonas''': And what will soon be the center of all studies- ''[Bill punches Jonas off his hat and slams him against his D.O.T.3 system]'' Hey! Hey! HEY! HEY! HEY! HEY! ''[Bill's team goes to stop Bill arguing with Jonas]'' :'''Bill''': You son-of-a-bitch! What, did you think I wasn't gonna find out? :'''Jonas''': Hey guys, get this loser off of me! ''[Bill's team comes to pull Bill off of Jonas, so as Jonas's team pushing Bill away]'' :'''Jonas's team member #1''': Alright! Back off! Back off! :'''Jonas's team member #2''': Put your malfunction, man! :'''Joey''': Come on, he's not worth it! :'''Jonas''': What is the matter with you?! :'''Bill''': ''[Tries to push at Jonas again]'' You stole my design, you son of a bitch! :'''Joey''': Calm down! :'''Jonas''': ''[Pushes Bill back]'' What the hell are you talking about?! :'''Bill''': DOROTHY. You took her, you damn THIEF! :'''Jonas''': ''[Realizes what Bill is talking about and smiles]'' Oh, I get it. You wanna take credit for my designs, is that it? :'''Bill''': You're a liar. She was our idea and you know it! :'''Jonas''': Unrealized idea. Unrealized. :'''Bill''': That thing ain't worth shit! ''[Tries to attack Jonas again, Jo helps stop it]'' :'''Jo''': Hey! Hey, guys! Bill! Guys! GUYS!!! Oh my guys! Get a grip on yourselves. We both know they'll never get that thing up in the air. :'''Joey''': That's right! :'''Jonas''': Well, let me enlighten you people. This baby has satellite com-link. We've got an onboard pulse Doppler, and we've got NEXRAD real-time. Today, we're gonna make history. So stick around, 'cause the days of sniffing the dirt are over. :'''Rabbit''': Better than what you sniff. :'''Bill''': We'll see who gets it first, PAL. :'''Jonas''': Oh, and by the way...''[Referring to Bill's new weatherman job]'' I really enjoy your weather reports. ''[Laughs and walks away]'' ''[Some of Jonas's team members laugh]'' :'''Bill''': ''[Tries to go after Jonas again]'' JEEZ YOU SLIME!!! I'm not through with you, yet! ''[Melissa sees the commotion. Jo's team holds Bill back until Jonas leaves, so as Jonas's team pushing Bill away. Bill then shoves them away, though still fuming]'' :'''Rabbit''': Alright! Alright! :'''Bill''': Come on! Come here! Come on! Come on! Get your hands off of me! Let go of me! OKAY!!! :'''Sanders''': He's a corporate kiss-butt, man! :'''Jo''': ''[Walks to Bill]'' I'm sorry. I should've told you. :'''Bill''': ''[Glaring at Jo]'' ONE DAY. I'll give you one day. Whether she flies or not, I'm gone. <hr width=50%/> :''[last lines]'' :'''Allan''': Hey, Jo, Bill, check out that sky! :'''Jo''': You know what? I think we've seen enough. ''[Turns to kiss Bill]'' ==Taglines== * There is a Mystery. Elusive. Unpredictable. Violent. It terrifies most scientists. But for a new breed... ...the challenge is saving lives. The Research is deadly. And the Laboratory is nature itself. * The Dark Side of Nature. * Don't Breathe. Don't Look Back. * Go for a ride you'll never forget! * If you can hear it, it's already too late! * Nature Sucks. ==Home media== {| Class="wikitable" ! Release date !! Studio |- | August 29, 2004 (VCD) || Warner Bros. |- | May 12, 2020 DVD, Blu-ray & 4K Ultra HD Blu-ray || Disney/20th Century Studios/Blue Sky Studios |- | November 7, 2000 VHS & DVD<br>June 10, 2003 VHS<br>August 2, 2005 DVD<br>March 13, 2007 HD-DVD<br>September 23, 2008 Blu-ray<br>September 10, 2013 DVD, Blu-ray & Blu-ray 3D<br>TBA DVD, Blu-ray & Digital Code (Studio Distribution Services)<br>TBA 4K Ultra HD Blu-ray (Studio Distribution Services) || Universal |} ==Cast== * [[w:Helen Hunt|Helen Hunt]] — Dr. Jo Harding * [[w:Bill Paxton|Bill Paxton]] — Bill 'The Extreme' Harding * [[w:Cary Elwes|Cary Elwes]] — Dr. Jonas Miller * [[w:Jami Gertz|Jami Gertz]] — Dr. Melissa Reeves * [[w:Philip Seymour Hoffman|Philip Seymour Hoffman]] — Dustin 'Dusty' Davis * [[w:Lois Smith|Lois Smith]] — Meg Greene * [[w:Alan Ruck|Alan Ruck]] — Robert 'Rabbit' Nurick * [[w:Sean Whalen|Sean Whalen]] — Allan Sanders * [[w:Scott Thomson|Scott Thomson]] — Jason 'Preacher' Rowe * [[w:Todd Field|Todd Field]] — Tim 'Beltzer' Lewis ==External links== {{wikipedia|Twister (1996 film)}} * {{imdb title| id=0117998 |title=Twister}} * {{rotten-tomatoes| id=1071167-twister |title=Twister}} [[Category:1996 films]] [[Category:American films]] [[Category:Films about natural disasters]] [[Category:Screenplays by Michael Crichton]] [[Category:Screenplays by Joss Whedon]] [[Category:Action thriller films]] [[Category:Films set in Oklahoma]] 0eihrquhmt9l2hemn5o5775txxvj2qw 0 25732 3153031 3139118 2022-08-09T22:58:53Z Coningsby 10755 /* Quotes about Chamberlain */ Wyatt wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Neville Chamberlain|Arthur Neville Chamberlain]]''' ([[March 18]], 1869 &ndash; [[November 9]], 1940) was a British politician from a famous political dynasty. After being Mayor of Birmingham, he went into national politics and was Chairman of the [[w:Conservative Party (UK)|Conservative Party]] from 1929 to 1931. During the National Government of Ramsay Macdonald, Chamberlain served as Chancellor of the Exchequer. He later succeeded [[Stanley Baldwin]] as Prime Minister of the United Kingdom in 1937; his government was marked by the build-up to war with Germany. Chamberlain negotiated an [[w:Munich Agreement|agreement]] with [[Adolf Hitler]] which Hitler never intended to honour; he declared war in September 1939 owing to a mutual defence pact with [[Poland]], which Hitler's Germany had invaded. [[File:Neville Chamberlain.jpg|thumb|I am myself a man of peace to the depths of my soul. Armed conflict between nations is a nightmare to me; but if I were convinced that any nation had made up its mind to dominate the world by fear of its force, I should feel that it must be resisted. Under such a domination, life for people who believe in liberty would not be worth living: but war is a fearful thing, and we must be very clear, before we embark on it, that it is really the great issues that are at stake.]] [[File:Bundesarchiv Bild 183-H12967, Münchener Abkommen, Chamberlain.jpg|thumb|right|Peace in our time.]] == Quotes == ===Minister of Health=== *In common with my colleagues, I recognise that no single remedy can be a complete cure, but while I am ready to examine every proposal...I must frankly say that I believe a tariff levied on imported foreign goods will be found to be indispensable... The ultimate destiny of this country is bound up with the [[British Empire|Empire]]... I hope to take my part in forwarding a policy which was the main subject of my father's last great political campaign... I hope that we may presently develop into a National Party, and get rid of that odious title of Conservative, which has kept so many from joining us in the past. **[[w:1931 United Kingdom general election|Election]] address in Birmingham (October 1931), quoted in Keith Feiling, ''Neville Chamberlain'' (1946; 1970), pp. 196-197 ===Chancellor of the Exchequer=== *There can have been few occasions in all our long political history when to the son of a man who counted for something in his day and generation has been vouchsafed the privilege of setting the seal on the work which the father began but had perforce to leave unfinished. Nearly 29 years have passed since [[Joseph Chamberlain]] entered upon his great campaign in favour of [[w:Imperial Preference|Imperial Preference]] and [[w:Tariff Reform|Tariff Reform]]. More than 17 years have gone by since he died, without having seen the fulfilment of his aims and yet convinced that, if not exactly in his way, yet in some modified form his vision would eventually take shape. His work was not in vain. Time and the misfortunes of the country have brought conviction to many who did not feel that they could agree with him then. I believe he would have found consolation for the bitterness of his disappointment if he could have foreseen that these proposals, which are the direct and legitimate descendants of his own conception, would be laid before the House of Commons, which he loved, in the presence of one and by the lips of the other of the two immediate successors to his name and blood. **[http://hansard.millbanksystems.com/commons/1932/feb/04/import-duties Speech] in the House of Commons introducing the [[w:Import Duties Act 1932|Import Duties Bill]] (4 February 1932) *Of all countries passing through these difficult times the one that has stood the test with the greatest measure of success is the United Kingdom. Without underrating the hardships of our situation—the long tragedy of the unemployed, the grievous burden of taxation, the arduous and painful struggle of those engaged in trade and industry—at any rate we are free from that fear, which besets so many less fortunately placed, the fear that things are going to get worse. We owe our freedom from that fear largely to the fact that we have balanced our Budget. **[http://hansard.millbanksystems.com/commons/1933/apr/25/direct-taxation Budget speech] in the House of Commons (25 April 1933) *In 1932 many dark clouds still hung round the horizon. In 1933, although the outlook was distinctly brighter, there was no settled feeling that we were about to enjoy a spell of fine weather. To-day the atmosphere is distinctly brighter. The events of the last 12 months have shown gratifying evidence that the efforts of His Majesty's Government are bearing fruit... If you look to what I might call the telltale statistics, the unemployment figures and statistics of such things as retail trade, consumption of electricity, transport, iron and steel production and house building, in every case you see a definite revival of activity... If I might borrow an illustration from the titles of two well-known works of fiction, I would say that we have now finished the story of ''[[Bleak House]]'' and that we are sitting down this afternoon to enjoy the first chapter of ''[[Great Expectations]]''. **[http://hansard.millbanksystems.com/commons/1934/apr/17/financial-statement Budget speech] in the House of Commons (17 April 1934) *The Labour Party, obviously intends to fasten upon our backs the accusation of being 'warmongers' and they are suggesting that we have 'hush hush' plans for rearmament which we are concealing from the people. As a matter of fact we are working on plans for rearmament at an early date for the situation in Europe is most alarming... '''We are not sufficiently advanced to reveal our ideas to the public, but of course we cannot deny the general charge of rearmament and no doubt if we try to keep our ideas secret till after the election, we should either fail, or if we succeeded, lay ourselves open to the far more damaging accusation that we had deliberately deceived the people... I have therefore suggested that we should take the bold course of actually appealing to the country on a defence programme, thus turning the Labour party's dishonest weapon into a boomerang.''' **Diary entry (2 August 1935), quoted in Maurice Cowling, ''The Impact of Hitler. British Politics and British Policy. 1933-1940'' (1975), p. 92 *There is no use for us to shut our eyes to realities. The fact remains that the policy of collective security based on sanctions has been tried out, as indeed we were bound to try it out unless we were prepared to repudiate our obligations and say, without having tried it, that the whole system of the [[League of Nations|League]] and the [[w:Covenant of the League of Nations|Covenant]] was a sham and a fraud. That policy has been tried out and it has failed to prevent war, failed to stop war, failed to save the victim of the aggression. **Speech to the 1900 Club at Grosvenor House, London, on the [[w:Second Italo-Ethiopian War|Italo-Abyssinian War]] (10 June 1936), quoted in ''The Times'' (11 June 1936), p. 10 *There are some people who do not desire to draw any conclusions at all. I see, for instance, the other day that [[Robert Cecil, 1st Viscount Cecil of Chelwood|the president]] of the [[w:League of Nations Union|League of Nations Union]] issued a circular to its members in which he...urged them to commence a campaign of pressure upon members of Parliament and members of the Government with the idea that if we were to pursue the policy of sanctions and even to intensify it, it was still possible to preserve the independence of Abyssinia. That seems to me the very '''midsummer of madness'''. **Speech to the 1900 Club at Grosvenor House, London, on the Italo-Abyssinian War (10 June 1936), quoted in ''The Times'' (11 June 1936), p. 10 *Is it not apparent that the policy of sanctions involves, I do not say war, but a risk of war? Is it not apparent that that risk must increase in proportion to the effectiveness of the sanctions and also by reason of the incompleteness of the League? Is it not also apparent from what has happened that in the presence of such a risk nations cannot be relied upon to proceed to the last extremity of war unless their vital interests are threatened? **Speech to the 1900 Club at Grosvenor House, London, on the Italo-Abyssinian War (10 June 1936), quoted in ''The Times'' (11 June 1936), p. 10 ===Prime Minister=== *I myself was not born a little Conservative. I was brought up as a [[w:Liberal Party (UK)|Liberal]], and afterwards as a [[w:Liberal Unionist Party|Liberal Unionist]]. The fact that I am here, accepted by you Conservatives as your Leader, is to my mind a demonstration of the catholicity of the Conservative Party, of that readiness to cover the widest possible field which has made it this great force in the country and has justified the saying of [[Benjamin Disraeli|Disraeli]] that the Conservative Party was nothing if it was not a National Party.  **Speech in Caxton Hall, London, upon his election as Conservative leader (31 May 1937), quoted in ''The Times'' (1 June 1937), p. 18 *It is no part of my creed that everybody ought to have the same income, for that would not guarantee that everybody would be equally happy. Happiness springs from within, not from without, but it may be fostered or starved by external conditions, and in the model state that all of us are striving after we would like to see conditions so framed as to enable its subjects to create happiness for themselves. If we are to achieve those conditions the people must be strong and healthy. If they should fall victim to accident or disease they should have available the best of medical science. They should be able to command an income sufficient to keep themselves and their families at any rate in a minimum standard of comfort. They should have leisure for refreshment and recreation. They should be able to cultivate a taste for beautiful things, whether in nature or in art, and to open their minds to the wisdom that is to be found in books. They should be free from fear of violence or injustice. They should be able to express their thoughts and to satisfy their spiritual and moral needs without hindrance and without persecution. **Speech in the Albert Hall, London (8 July 1937), quoted in ''The Times'' (9 July 1937), p. 18 *[O]ur people see that in the absence of any powerful ally, and until our armaments are completed, we must adjust our foreign policy to our circumstances, and even bear with patience and good humor actions which we should like to treat in very different fashion. I do not myself take too pessimistic a view of the situation. The dictators are too often regarded as though they were entirely inhuman. I believe this idea to be quite erroneous. It is indeed the human side of the dictators that makes them dangerous, but on the other hand, it is the side on which they can be approached with the greatest hope of successful issue. **Letter to Mrs Morton Prince (16 January 1938), quoted in Keith Feiling, ''Neville Chamberlain'' (1946; 1970), p. 324 *We pass no judgment here upon the political systems of other countries, but neither [[Fascism]] nor [[Communism]] is in harmony with our temperament and creed. We will have nothing to do with either of them here. And yet, whatever differences there may be between us and other nations on that subject, do not forget that we are all members of the human race and subject to the like passions and affections and fears and desires. There must be something in common between us if only we can find it, and perhaps by our very aloofness from the rest of Europe we may have some special part to play as conciliator and mediator. An [[Aeschylus|ancient historian]] once wrote of the Greeks that they had made gentle the life of the world. I do not know whether in these modern days it is possible for any nation to emulate the example of the Greeks, but I can imagine no nobler ambition for an English statesman than to win the same tribute for his own country. **Speech in Birmingham Town Hall (8 April 1938), quoted in ''The Times'' (9 April 1938), p. 17 and Neville Chamberlain, ''The Struggle For Peace'' (1939), p. 177 *There was something else in the example of [[Joseph Chamberlain|my father]]'s life which impressed me very deeply when I was a young man, and which has greatly influenced me since I took up a public career. I suppose most people think of him as a great Colonial Secretary and tariff reformer, but before he ever went to the Colonial Office he was a great social reformer, and it was my observance of his deep sympathy with the working classes and his intense desire to better their lot which inspired me with an ambition to do something in my turn to afford better help to the working people and better opportunities for the enjoyment of life. **Speech in the Albert Hall, London (12 May 1938), quoted in ''The Times'' (13 May 1938), p. 11 *The Germans who are bullies by nature are too conscious of their strength and our weakness, and until we are as strong as they are, we shall always be kept in this state of chronic anxiety. **Letter (May 1938), quoted in Keith Feiling, ''Neville Chamberlain'' (1946; 1970), p. 350 *When I think of those four terrible years and I think of the 7,000,000 of young men who were cut off in their prime, the 13,000,000 who were maimed and mutilated, the misery and the suffering of the mothers and the fathers, the sons and the daughters, and the relatives and the friends of those who were killed, and the wounded, then I am bound to say again what I have said before, and what I say now, not only to you but to all the world—'''in war, whichever side may call itself the victor, there are no winners, but all are losers.''' It is those thoughts which have made me feel that it was my prime duty to strain every nerve to avoid a repetition of the Great War in Europe. **Speech in Kettering (2 July 1938), quoted in ''The Times'' (4 July 1938), p. 21 *[I]s it not positively horrible to think that the fate of hundreds of millions depends on one man, and he is half mad? **Letter to his sisters (3 September 1938), quoted in Keith Feiling, ''Neville Chamberlain'' (1946; 1970), p. 357 *In spite of the harshness and ruthlessness I thought I saw in his face, I got the impression that here was a man who could be relied upon when he had given his word. **Letter to Ida Chamberlain after his meeting with [[Adolf Hitler]] at Berchtesgaden (19 September 1938), quoted in Ian Kershaw, ''Hitler, 1936–45: Nemesis'' (2001), p. 112 * How horrible, fantastic, incredible it is that we should be digging trenches and trying on gas-masks here because of '''a quarrel in a far away country between people of whom we know nothing.''' It seems still more impossible that a quarrel which has already been settled in principle should be the subject of war. **Broadcast (27 September 1938), quoted in ''The Times'' (28 September 1938), p. 10 **Referring to the Czechoslovakia crisis *You know already that I have done all that one man can do to compose this quarrel. After my visits to Germany I have realized vividly how Herr Hitler feels that he must champion other Germans, and his indignation that grievances have not been met before this. He told me privately, and last night he repeated publicly, that after this [[w:Sudetenland|Sudeten German]] question is settled, that is the end of Germany's territorial claims in Europe. **Broadcast (27 September 1938), quoted in ''The Times'' (28 September 1938), p. 10 *I shall not give up the the hope of a peaceful solution, or abandon my efforts for peace, as long as any chance for peace remains. I would not hesitate to pay even a third visit to Germany, if I thought it would do any good. **Broadcast (27 September 1938), quoted in ''The Times'' (28 September 1938), p. 10 *However much we may sympathize with a small nation confronted by a big and powerful neighbour, we cannot in all circumstances undertake to involve the whole British Empire in war simply on her account. If we have to fight it must be on larger issues than that. **Broadcast (27 September 1938), quoted in ''The Times'' (28 September 1938), p. 10 *'''I am myself a man of peace to the depths of my soul. Armed conflict between nations is a nightmare to me; but if I were convinced that any nation had made up its mind to dominate the world by fear of its force, I should feel that it must be resisted.''' Under such a domination, life for people who believe in liberty would not be worth living: but war is a fearful thing, and we must be very clear, before we embark on it, that it is really the great issues that are at stake. **Broadcast (27 September 1938), quoted in Keith Feiling, ''Neville Chamberlain'' (1946; 1970), p. 372 *For the present I ask you to await as calmly as you can the events of the next few days. As long as war has not begun, there is always hope that it may be prevented, and you know that I am going to work for peace to the last moment. Good night. **Broadcast (27 September 1938), quoted in ''The Times'' (28 September 1938), p. 10 *After reading your letter I feel certain that you can get all essentials without war, and without delay. I am ready to come to Berlin myself at once to discuss arrangements for transfer with you and representatives of the Czech government, together with representatives of France and Italy if you desire. I feel convinced that we could reach agreement in a week. However much you distrust the Prague government's intentions, you cannot doubt the power of the British and French governments to see that the promises are carried out fairly and fully and forthwith. As you know, I have stated publicly that we are prepared to undertake that they shall be so carried out. I cannot believe that you will take the responsibility of starting a world war, which may end civilization, for the sake of a few days' delay in settling this long-standing problem. **Letter to Hitler (27 September 1938), quoted in Keith Feiling, ''Neville Chamberlain'' (1946; 1970), p. 372 *[[Benito Mussolini|Mussolini]]...hoped Herr Hitler would see his way to postpone action [against Czechoslovakia] which the Chancellor had told [[w:Horace Wilson (civil servant)|Sir Horace Wilson]] was to be taken at 2 p.m. to-day for at least 24 hours so as to allow Signor Mussolini time to re-examine the situation and endeavour to find a peaceful settlement. In response, Herr Hitler has agreed to postpone mobilisation for 24 hours. Whatever views hon. Members may have had about Signor Mussolini in the past, I believe that everyone will welcome his gesture of being willing to work with us for peace in Europe. That is not all. I have something further to say to the House yet. I have now been informed by Herr Hitler that he invites me to meet him at Munich to-morrow morning. He has also invited Signor Mussolini and [[w:Édouard Daladier|M. Daladier]]. Signor Mussolini has accepted and I have no doubt M. Daladier will also accept. I need not say what my answer will be. [An <small>HON. MEMBER</small>: "Thank God for the Prime Minister!"] We are all patriots, and there can be no hon. Member of this House who did not feel his heart leap that the crisis has been once more postponed to give us once more an opportunity to try what reason and good will and discussion will do to settle a problem which is already within sight of settlement. Mr. Speaker, I cannot say any more. I am sure that the House will be ready to release me now to go and see what I can make of this last effort. Perhaps they may think it will be well, in view of this new development, that this Debate shall stand adjourned for a few days, when perhaps we may meet in happier circumstances. **[http://hansard.millbanksystems.com/commons/1938/sep/28/prime-ministers-statement Speech] in the House of Commons (28 September 1938). Chamberlain received Hitler's invitation to Munich as he was ending his speech. *When I was a little boy I used to repeat: "If at first you don't succeed, try, try, try again." That is what I am doing. When I come back I hope I may be able to say, as Hotspur said in ''[[Henry IV, Part 1|Henry IV]]'', "Out of this nettle, danger, we pluck this flower, safety." **Speech at Heston Airport before his flight to Munich to meet Hitler (29 September 1938), quoted in ''The Times'' (30 September 1938), p. 12 * This morning I had another talk with the German Chancellor, Herr Hitler, and here is the paper which bears his name upon it as well as mine.... '''We regard the agreement signed last night and the Anglo-German Naval Agreement, as symbolic of the desire of our two peoples never to go to war with one another again.''' ** Speech at Heston Airport after his return from Munich (30 September 1938), quoted in ''The Times'' (1 October 1938) [http://hudsoncress.org/html/library/dictionaries/The%20Oxford%20Dictionary%20of%20Modern%20Quotations.pdf Oxford Book of Modern Quotes](pdf) * My good friends, this is the second time in our history that there has come back from Germany to Downing Street peace with honour. I believe it is '''peace for our time'''. **Speech from the window of 10 Downing Street after returning from Munich (30 September 1938), quoted in ''The Times'' (1 October 1938), p. 14; cf. [[Benjamin Disraeli]]'s return from the [[w:Congress of Berlin|Congress of Berlin]] in 1878 *I am sure that some day the Czechs will see that what we did was to save them for a happier future. And I sincerely believe that what we have at last opened the way to that general appeasement which alone can save the world from chaos. **Letter to the Archbishop of Canterbury, [[w:Cosmo Gordon Lang|Cosmo Gordon Lang]] (2 October 1938), quoted in Keith Feiling, ''Neville Chamberlain'' (1946; 1970), p. 375 *For a long period now we have been engaged in this country in a great [[w:British re-armament|programme of rearmament]], which is daily increasing in pace and in volume. Let no one think that because we have signed this agreement between these four Powers at Munich we can afford to relax our efforts in regard to that programme at this moment. Disarmament on the part of this country can never be unilateral again. We have tried that once, and we very nearly brought ourselves to disaster. If disarmament is to come it must come by steps, and it must come by the agreement and the active co-operation of other countries. Until we know that we have obtained that co-operation and until we have agreed upon the actual steps to be taken, we here must remain on guard. **[http://hansard.millbanksystems.com/commons/1938/oct/03/prime-ministers-statement#column_49 Speech] in the House of Commons (3 October 1938) *A lot of people seem to me to be losing their heads, and talking and thinking as though Munich had made war more, instead of less, imminent. **Statement (end of October 1938), quoted in Keith Feiling, ''Neville Chamberlain'' (1946; 1970), p. 386 *Is this the end of an old adventure, or the beginning of a new; is this the last attack upon a small state or is it to be followed by others; is this in fact a step in the direction of an attempt to dominate the world by force? **Speech in Birmingham (17 March 1939), quoted in ''The Times'' (18 March 1939), p. 14. On 15 March Hitler had [[w:German occupation of Czechoslovakia|occupied Czechoslovakia]] in contravention of the Munich Agreement. *I do not think anyone would question my sincerity when I say that there is hardly anything I would not sacrifice for peace, but there is one thing which I must except and that is the liberty which we have enjoyed for hundreds of years and which we will never surrender... No greater mistake could be made than to suppose that, because it believes war to be a senseless and cruel thing, this nation has so lost its fibre that it will not take part to the utmost of its power in resisting such a challenge if it were ever made. **Speech in Birmingham (17 March 1939), quoted in ''The Times'' (18 March 1939), p. 14 * I often think to myself that it's not I but someone else who is P.M. and is the recipient of those continuous marks of respect and affection from the general public who called in Downing Street or at the station to take off their hats and cheer. And then I go back to the House of Commons and listen to the unending stream of abuse of the P.M., his faithlessness, his weakness, his wickedness, his innate sympathy with Fascism and his obstinate hatred of the working classes. ** Letter to Hilda Chamberlain (28 May 1939), quoted in Maurice Cowling, ''The Impact of Hitler. British Politics and British Policy. 1933-1940'' (1975), p. 293 * I believe the persecution arose out of two motives: a desire to rob the Jews of their money and a jealously of their superior cleverness. '''No doubt Jews aren't a lovable people; I don't care about them myself; but that is not sufficient to explain the [[w:Pogrom|Pogrom]].''' ** Letter to a sister on the persecution of Jews in Germany (30 July 1939), quoted in Martin Gilbert, ''The Holocaust: The Jewish Tragedy'' (1989), p. 81 *I do not propose to say many words tonight. The time has come when action rather than speech is required. Eighteen months ago in this House I prayed that the responsibility might not fall upon me to ask this country to accept the awful arbitrament of war. I fear that I may not be able to avoid that responsibility. But, at any rate, I cannot wish for conditions in which such a burden should fall upon me in which I should feel clearer than I do to-day as to where my duty lies... We shall stand at the bar of history knowing that the responsibility for this terrible catastrophe lies on the shoulders of one man—the German Chancellor, who has not hesitated to plunge the world into misery in order to serve his own senseless ambitions. **[http://hansard.millbanksystems.com/commons/1939/sep/01/british-note-to-germany Speech] in the House of Commons on the British ultimatum to Germany (1 September 1939) *It now only remains for us to set our teeth and to enter upon this struggle, which we ourselves earnestly endeavoured to avoid, with determination to see it through to the end. We shall enter it with a clear conscience, with the support of the Dominions and the British Empire, and the moral approval of the greater part of the world. We have no quarrel with the German people, except that they allow themselves to be governed by a Nazi Government. As long as that Government exists and pursues the methods it has so persistently followed during the last two years, there will be no peace in Europe. We shall merely pass from one crisis to another, and see one country after another attacked by methods which have now become familiar to us in their sickening technique. We are resolved that these methods must come to an end. If out of the struggle we again re-establish in the world the rules of good faith and the renunciation of force, why, then even the sacrifices that will be entailed upon us will find their fullest justification. **[http://hansard.millbanksystems.com/commons/1939/sep/01/british-note-to-germany Speech] in the House of Commons on the British ultimatum to Germany (1 September 1939) * This morning the British Ambassador in Berlin handed the German Government a final note, stating that, unless we heard from them by 11 o'clock that they were prepared at once to withdraw their troops from Poland, a state of war would exist between us. I have to tell you now that no such undertaking has been received and that consequently this country is at war with Germany. … '''It is evil things that we will be fighting against&mdash;brute force, bad faith, injustice, oppression and persecution&mdash;and against them I am certain that the right will prevail.''' ** Broadcast from the Cabinet Rooms at 10 Downing Street (3 September 1939) *Everything that I have worked for, everything that I have hoped for, everything that I have believed in during my public life, has crashed into ruins. There is only one thing left for me to do; that is, to devote what strength and powers I have to forwarding the victory of the cause for which we have to sacrifice so much. I cannot tell what part I may be allowed to play myself; I trust I may live to see the day when Hitlerism has been destroyed and a liberated Europe has been re-established. **[http://hansard.millbanksystems.com/commons/1939/sep/03/prime-ministers-announcement Speech] in the House of Commons announcing war with Germany (3 September 1939) *I simply can't bear to think of those gallant fellows who lost their lives last night in the R.A.F. attack, and of their families who have first been called upon to pay the price. Indeed, I must put such thoughts out of my mind if I am not to be unnerved altogether. But it was just the realisation of these horrible tragedies that has pressed upon me all the time I have been here. I did so hope we were going to escape them, but I sincerely believe that with that madman it was impossible. I pray the struggle may be short, but it can't end as long as Hitler remains in power. **Letter to the Archbishop of Canterbury, Cosmo Gordon Lang (5 September 1939), quoted in Keith Feiling, ''Neville Chamberlain'' (1946; 1970), p. 419 *To us in Europe life had become absolutely intolerable, and it is to restore the possibility of living any civilised life at all that we have got to put an end to [[Nazi]] policy. **Letter to [[John Buchan|Lord Tweedsmuir]] (25 September 1939), quoted in Keith Feiling, ''Neville Chamberlain'' (1946; 1970), p. 424 * As you know I have always been more afraid of a peace offer than of an air raid. ** Letter to Ida Chamberlain (8 October 1939), quoted in Maurice Cowling, ''The Impact of Hitler. British Politics and British Policy. 1933-1940'' (1975), p. 355 *We have to kill one another just to satisfy that accursed madman. I wish he could burn in Hell for as many years as he is costing lives. **Statement (15 October 1939), quoted in Keith Feiling, ''Neville Chamberlain'' (1946; 1970), p. 419 *I find war more hateful than ever, and I groan in spirit over every life lost and every home blasted. **Letter to the Archbishop of Canterbury, Cosmo Gordon Lang (Christmas 1939), quoted in Keith Feiling, ''Neville Chamberlain'' (1946; 1970), p. 430 * I stick to the view I have always held that Hitler missed the bus in September 1938. '''He could have dealt France and ourselves a terrible, perhaps a mortal, blow then. The opportunity will not recur.''' ** Letter to Hilda Chamberlain (30 December 1939), quoted in Maurice Cowling, ''The Impact of Hitler. British Politics and British Policy. 1933-1940'' (1975), p. 355 *I don't agree...that we should make peace with Germany in order to resist Russia. I still regard Germany as Public Enemy No. 1, and I cannot take Russia very seriously as an aggressive force, though no doubt formidable if attacked in her own country. I am afraid that, although the Germans would like to make peace on their own terms, they are very far from that frame of mind which will be necessary before they are prepared to listen to what we should call reason. **Letter to [[w:Francis Oswald Lindley|Sir Francis Lindley]] (1 January 1940), quoted in Keith Feiling, ''Neville Chamberlain'' (1946; 1970), pp. 427-428 * The result was that when war did break out German preparations were far ahead of our own, and it was natural then to expect that the enemy would take advantage of his initial superiority to make an endeavour to overwhelm us and France before we had time to make good our deficiencies. Is it not a very extraordinary thing that no such attempt was made? Whatever may be the reason&mdash;whether it was that Hitler thought he might get away with what he had got without fighting for it, or whether it was that after all the preparations were not sufficiently complete&mdash;however, one thing is certain: '''he missed the bus.''' ** Speech to the Central Council of the National Union of Conservative and Unionist Associations at Central Hall, Westminster (4 April 1940), quoted in "Confident of Victory," ''The Times'' (5 April 1940), p. 8 ** Hitler began the 'Westfeldzug' five weeks later and entered France at the beginning of June. June 10th, Paris was declared to be an 'open town'. *The most common cry, and this of course is chronic in the U.S.A., is "why are we always too late? why do we let Hitler take the initiative?" ... The answer to these questions is simple enough, but the questioners would rather not believe it. It is, "because we are not yet strong enough". ... We have plenty of man-power, but it is neither trained nor equipped. We are short of many weapons of offence and defence. Above all, we are short of air power. If we could weather this year, I believe we should be able to remove our worst deficiencies. **Letter (4 May 1940), quoted in Keith Feiling, ''Neville Chamberlain'' (1946; 1970), p. 438 ===Post-Premiership=== *In the afternoon of to-day it was apparent that the essential unity could be secured under another Prime Minister, though not myself. In these circumstances my duty was plain ... For the hour has now come when we are to be put to the test, as the innocent people of Holland, Belgium, and France are being tested already. And you, and I, must rally behind our new leader, and with our united strength, and with unshakable courage, fight and work until this wild beast, that has sprung out of his lair upon us, has been finally disarmed and overthrown. **Broadcast (10 May 1940), quoted in Keith Feiling, ''Neville Chamberlain'' (1946; 1970), p. 441 *We are a solid and united nation, which would rather go down to ruin than admit the domination of the Nazis... If the enemy does try to invade this country, we will fight him in the air and on the sea; we will fight him on the beaches with every weapon we have... We shall be fighting...with the conviction that our cause is the cause of humanity and peace against cruelty and wars; a cause that surely has the blessing of Almighty God. **Broadcast (30 June 1940), quoted in Keith Feiling, ''Neville Chamberlain'' (1946; 1970), p. 449 *Give us another 3 or 4 months of production, not more hampered than it is at present, and we shall have something over, with which we can make ourselves disagreeable in many ways, and many places. We could perhaps take a stronger line with Japan then, even though we still got no help from the U.S.A. ... People ask me how we are going to win this war. I suppose it is a very natural question, but I don't think the time has come to answer it. We must just go on fighting as hard as we can, in the belief that some time&mdash;perhaps sooner than we think&mdash;the other side will crack. **Letter to his sister (14 July 1940), quoted in Keith Feiling, ''Neville Chamberlain'' (1946; 1970), p. 449 *It is not inconceivable that human civilisation should be permanently overcome by such evil men and evil things, and I feel proud that the [[British Empire]], though left to fight alone, still stands across their path, unconquered and unconquerable. **Last broadcast (11 October 1940), quoted in Keith Feiling, ''Neville Chamberlain'' (1946; 1970), p. 454 *I will confess to you that never for one moment have I had any doubt that I had to do what I did, and when I look back I don't see what more I could have done, having regard to the state of public opinion and the sharpness of party feeling. That is a tremendous solace to me. Few men can have known such a reversal of fortune in so short a time. **Letter to the Archbishop of Canterbury, Cosmo Gordon Lang (14 October 1940), quoted in Keith Feiling, ''Neville Chamberlain'' (1946; 1970), p. 455 *Never for one single moment have I doubted the rightness of what I did at Munich, nor can I believe that it was possible for me to do more than I did to prepare the country for war after Munich, given the violent & persistent opposition I had to fight against all the time. **Letter to [[Stanley Baldwin]] (17 October 1940), quoted in Keith Feiling, ''Neville Chamberlain'' (1946; 1970), p. 456 ==Quotes about Chamberlain== :<small>Alphabetised by author</small> [[File:Leopold Amery.png|thumb|You have sat here too long for any good you are doing. Depart, I say, and let us have done with you. [[Oliver Cromwell|In the name of God, go!]] ~ [[Leo Amery]]]] [[File:Clement Attlee by George Harcourt, 1946.jpg|thumb|He was Lord President [in Churchill's government]. Very able and crafty, and free from any rancour he might well have felt against us. He worked very hard and well: a good chairman, a good committee man, always very businesslike. You could work with him. ~ [[Clement Attlee]]]] [[File:Sir Winston Churchill - 19086236948.jpg|thumb|It fell to Neville Chamberlain in one of the supreme crises of the world to be contradicted by events, to be disappointed in his hopes, and to be deceived and cheated by a wicked man. But what were these hopes in which he was disappointed? What were these wishes in which he was frustrated? What was that faith that was abused? They were surely among the most noble and benevolent instincts of the human heart-the love of peace, the toil for peace, the strife for peace, the pursuit of peace, even at great peril, and certainly to the utter disdain of popularity or clamour. ~ [[Winston Churchill]]]] [[File:Hitler portrait crop.jpg|thumb|If ever that silly old man comes interfering here again with his umbrella, I'll kick him downstairs and jump on his stomach in front of the photographers. ~ [[Adolf Hitler]]]] * '''You have sat here too long for any good you are doing. Depart, I say, and let us have done with you. In the name of God, go!''' ** [[w:Leo Amery|Leo Amery]], concluding his speech in the "Norway debate" (7-8 May 1940), in the British Parliament's House of Commons. In saying these words, he was echoing what [[Oliver Cromwell]] had said as he dissolved the Long Parliament in 1653. As quoted in ''Neville Chamberlain: A Biography'' by Robert Self (2006), p. 423 * Neville annoys me by mouthing the arguments of complete pacifism while piling up armaments. ** [[Clement Attlee]] in a letter to Tom Attlee (22 February 1939), quoted in Maurice Cowling, ''The Impact of Hitler. British Politics and British Policy. 1933-1940'' (1975), p. 177 *He was [[w:Lord President of the Council|Lord President]] [in Churchill's government]. Very able and crafty, and free from any rancour he might well have felt against us. He worked very hard and well: a good chairman, a good committee man, always very businesslike. You could work with him. **[[Clement Attlee]], quoted in Francis Williams, ''A Prime Minister Remembers: The War and Post-War Memoirs of The Rt Hon. Earl Attlee'' (1961), p. 37 * We were convinced that a major war was in the offing, what with the uncorrelated news before us of Schuschnigg's arrest by the Nazis, the fall of the French cabinet, Blum's formation of a new one, the mobilization of French troops on the border and the clamor of the British population for the resignation of Neville Chamberlain, who continued to place the interests of his class above the interests of his country. ** [[Alvah Bessie]], ''Men in Battle: A Story of American in Spain'' (1939), p. 72 *I think one of the fascinating things about Chamberlain was that he tried to do the right thing by the country and all the way through these speeches [in ''The Struggle for Peace''] actually, some of which I know, you can see how he is in a sense wrestling with the fact that however evil [[Adolf Hitler|Hitler]] is the thought of war is just so horrific. **[[Tony Blair]], interview with [[Simon Schama]] for ''[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FQxSe3pL7Rc Simon Schama's Tour of Downing Street. Part 2: The Cabinet Room]'' (2007), at 3:19 *During these long violent months of war we had come closer together than at any time in our twenty years of friendly relationship amid the ups and downs of politics. I greatly admired his fortitude and firmness of spirit. I felt when I served under him that he would never give in: and I knew when our positions were reversed that I could count upon the aid of a loyal and unflinching comrade. **[[Winston Churchill]] to Mrs. Chamberlain (11 November 1940), quoted in Keith Feiling, ''Neville Chamberlain'' (1946; 1970), p. 457 * '''It fell to Neville Chamberlain in one of the supreme crises of the world to be contradicted by events, to be disappointed in his hopes, and to be deceived and cheated by a wicked man. But what were these hopes in which he was disappointed? What were these wishes in which he was frustrated? What was that faith that was abused? They were surely among the most noble and benevolent instincts of the human heart-the love of peace, the toil for peace, the strife for peace, the pursuit of peace, even at great peril, and certainly to the utter disdain of popularity or clamour.''' ** [[Winston Churchill]], Speech to House of Commons on 12th November 1940, 3 days after his death. *[In September 1938] I asked Chamberlain straight out, did he really believe that [[Adolf Hitler|Hitler]] wanted a peaceful settlement? The Prime Minister paused before replying and then said reflectively: "If we accept the challenge now it means war. If we delay a decision something might happen. Hitler may die." [[Herbert Morrison|Morrison]], [[w:Hugh Dalton|Dalton]], and I looked at one another but said nothing. **[[w:Walter Citrine, 1st Baron Citrine|Walter Citrine]], ''Men and Work: An Autobiography'' (1964), p. 365 *This was one of the frankest interviews I had attended, but my experience of Chamberlain had shown him to be far more forthcoming in private conversation than most of his predecessors. He was not liked by my colleagues, and my own first impressions were similar to theirs, with the major difference that I was considerably impressed by the incisiveness of his mind and the clarity of his speech. He always knew his case, but I felt that he showed little generosity in his attitude to anyone whom he felt was a political opponent. He was an adept at veiled sarcasm when he replied to trade union people ... I remember one occasion when he was tearing up some argument which we had presented, [[w:Ben Tillett|Ben Tillett]] interposing mildly: "Don't be sarcastic. You can put your case without that." Chamberlain seemed rather taken aback, and as far as I could judge, he tried to follow Ben's advice. He appeared at that time to be utterly devoid of human sentiment. Like Poo Bah in the ''[[w:The Mikado|Mikado]]'', he seemed to have been born sneering. **[[w:Walter Citrine, 1st Baron Citrine|Walter Citrine]], ''Men and Work: An Autobiography'' (1964), pp. 366-367 *I can never erase from my mind the thought of his struggle, in the later days of his life, against the depression resulting from his political misfortunes and knowing that he was suffering from an incurable illness. Knowing also that, despite his long public service, few of those who cheered him so loudly on his return from Munich really cared what happened to him. **[[w:Walter Citrine, 1st Baron Citrine|Walter Citrine]], ''Men and Work: An Autobiography'' (1964), p. 368 *Neville Chamberlain was determined to go to extreme lengths in the cause of peace ... That was why he flew to Germany ... I may recall that after thirty years in Parliament I never saw a House of Commons so unanimous in its apparent goodwill to a national leader and never before did Socialist Members of Parliament open their hearts so fully to a traditional opponent such as myself. At least five of them told me spontaneously how fine they thought Chamberlain's action, and one of them, a famous extremist from the North, rushed up to me with tears streaming down his cheeks, put his hand on my shoulder and exclaimed, "Isn't it marvellous how God has found a man to save us from all the misery of war?" **[[w:Henry Page Croft, 1st Baron Croft|Lord Croft]], ''My Life of Strife'' (1948), p. 287 *Very shortly after his return from Munich Neville Chamberlain asked me to lunch quietly at No. 10. I put the question straight to him: "What really is your impression of [[Adolf Hitler|Hitler]]?" He answered that he "believed that no man, much less the accepted leader of a great nation, could have sworn to me his will for peace unless he meant it. Hitler's words rang absolutely sincerely, never from anyone have I had assurances so emphatic." I immediately asked the Prime Minister: "Then why...did you start the very day after your return to do everything possible to speed armaments all round?" He answered, that although he believed Hitler he had felt that he was "in the presence of a man of intense cruelty and I was obsessed with the fact that if in a year or two he changed his mind he would be so ruthless that he would stop at nothing." **[[w:Henry Page Croft, 1st Baron Croft|Lord Croft]], ''My Life of Strife'' (1948), p. 289 *'''What a Chamberlain government would have done had there been no war in 1939 will never be known, but an election was due in 1940, and the manifesto proposals outlined by the Conservative Research Department embraced family allowances and the inclusion of insured persons' dependants in health cover—about half the advances usually attributed to [[William Beveridge|Beveridge]]. As Lady Cecily Debenham wrote to Chamberlain's widow, Anne, after his death: "Neville was a Radical to the end of his days. It makes my blood boil when I see his ‘Tory’ and ‘Reactionary’ outlook taken as a matter of course because the Whirligig of Politics made him leader of the Tory party."''' **Andrew J. Crozier, ‘[http://www.oxforddnb.com/view/article/32347 Chamberlain, (Arthur) Neville (1869–1940)]’, ''Oxford Dictionary of National Biography'', Oxford University Press, 2004; online edn, May 2011, accessed 19 April 2013. *I would like to testify that you did more than any former British Statesman to make a true friendship between the peoples of our two countries possible, and, if the task has not been completed, that it has not been for want of goodwill on your part. I hope that you may still be able to work for, and that we may both be spared to see, the realisation of our dreams,&mdash;to see our two peoples living side by side with a deep neighbourly sense of their value one to another, and with a friendship which will make possible whole-hearted co-operation between them in all matters of common interest. **[[Eamon de Valera]] to Chamberlain (15 May 1940), quoted in Keith Feiling, ''Neville Chamberlain'' (1946; 1970), p. 311 *All those months of acute anxiety that heralded and followed the French collapse while I was at the War Office, Neville was so unvaryingly sympathetic and helpful, that I feel I could never thank him enough for all he did. His faith in final victory never wavered at the darkest hour; I am confident that he will still share with us the happier days that must come. **[[Anthony Eden]] to Mrs. Chamberlain (16 November 1940), quoted in Keith Feiling, ''Neville Chamberlain'' (1946; 1970), p. 466 *No man could have done more to save the world from this war. Your efforts to secure peace gave to our cause a moral strength that can never be disregarded. For this all who have regard for Britain's honour must be profoundly grateful. You have saved us from a war at a moment when we were unready, and if others had been sincere and faithful to their pledges would have prevented hostilities in Europe perhaps for generations. You will surely receive the reward of those who are promised the blessing of peace-makers. **[[w:Arthur Hinsley|Cardinal Hinsley]] to Chamberlain (5 October 1940), quoted in Keith Feiling, ''Neville Chamberlain'' (1946; 1970), p. 462 * '''If ever that silly old man comes interfering here again with his umbrella, I'll kick him downstairs and jump on his stomach in front of the photographers.''' ** [[Adolf Hitler]] after the Munich Agreement, quoted in Sir Ivone Kirkpatrick, ''The Inner Circle'' (1959), p. 135 *My reliable informants in the German camp had already made it clear to me that Hitler regarded the Prime Minister [Neville Chamberlain] as an impertinent busybody who spoke the ridiculous jargon of an out-moded democracy. The umbrella, which to the ordinary German was the symbol of peace, was in Hitler's view only a subject of derision. **[[w:Ivone Kirkpatrick|Ivone Kirkpatrick]], ''The Inner Circle'' (1959), p. 122 *I cannot but add that I have always been a supporter and defender of your policy when you were Prime Minister. I am sure that it was right. In view of the attitude of France and of the unreadiness of this country for which you were in no way to be blamed, it would have been folly to precipitate then a war with Germany. It was your strength of will and purpose and self-restraint that saved us from that mistake. When the time to meet the challenge of Hitler came, you had made it plain to the whole impartial world that you had done everything possible to keep Europe from war, and to fix the blame for that calamity on the unbridled ambition of Hitler. You enabled your country to enter the war with a clear conscience and a united will. **Archbishop of Canterbury [[w:Cosmo Gordon Lang|Cosmo Gordon Lang]] to Chamberlain (6 October 1940), quoted in Keith Feiling, ''Neville Chamberlain'' (1946; 1970), pp. 462-463 *A vein of self-sufficient obstinacy in the new Minister contributed to the difficulties that baffled all our endeavours ... The machinery which Mr. Chamberlain created showed itself incompetent to deal even with volunteer recruits, and certainly too unreliable to be entrusted with the administration of dictatorial powers ... Mr. Neville Chamberlain is a man of rigid competency. Such men have their uses in conventional times or in conventional positions, and are indispensable for filling subordinate posts at all times. But they are lost in an emergency or in creative tasks at any time. **[[David Lloyd George]] on Chamberlain's role as [[w:Director of National Service|Director of National Service]], ''War Memoirs, Volume I'' (1938), p. 811 * Mr Chamberlain views everything through the wrong end of a municipal drain-pipe. ** [[David Lloyd George]], as quoted in ''Rats!'' (1941) by "The Pied Piper", p. 108; similar remarks have also been attributed to [[Winston Churchill]] in later works, including ''Neville Chamberlain : A Biography'' (2006) by Robert C. Self, p. 12 *Although one of the Opposition, I feel I must say how much your presence in the House is missed by me. However profoundly I may have felt disagreement with you over foreign policy at times, I could not take less account of several splendid things you did during the short time it has been my privilege to share the same historic floor with you. I recall how you stood firm over Members' pensions, your moving tribute to [[George Lansbury]], your greatness in making room for [[Winston Churchill|Winston Churchill]] and then facing the same House by his side. I would like to have understood you better; public criticism can be so unfair to a sincere man. I can only assure you of my deep respect, and continuous thought for you in such a disappointing moment as this. **Labour MP [[w:John Morgan (British politician)|John Morgan]] to Chamberlain (''c''. 16 October 1940), quoted in Keith Feiling, ''Neville Chamberlain'' (1946; 1970), p. 464 *These men are not made of the same stuff as the [[Francis Drake]]s and the other magnificent adventurers who created the empire. These, after all, are the tired sons of a long line of rich men, and they will lose their empire. **[[Benito Mussolini]], remarks to [[w:Galeazzo Ciano|Count Ciano]] after meeting Neville Chamberlain and [[w:Edward Wood, 1st Earl of Halifax|Lord Halifax]] (11 January 1939), quoted in Malcolm Muggeridge (ed.), ''Ciano's Diary, 1939–1943'' (1947), pp. 9–10 * That, too, was what Neville Chamberlain was clearly doing in London from 1937 until the gray morning of 1941 when his cancer finally killed him. During those fateful years he too was "sparring with the situation," seeking an easy way out. He has been accused round the world of being a foolish old man who did not understand what it would take to defend his country against the Nazis. That, I am sure, is a fundamental error. He knew full well the number of planes and tanks it would take, but he could not bring himself to the hard decision of ordering the industrial and economic revolution that was necessary to produce them. ** [[James Reston]], ''Prelude to Victory'' (1942), p. 21-22 * We, like the the British and French, improvised and compromised, and these two words, I am convinced, are the patents of "too little and too late." All this is relevant to our present situation because once a nation or the leaders of a nation get into the habit of substituting palliatives for cures, once they refuse to face the facts and deal with them directly and courageously, their capacity for self-deception is unlimited. Neville Chamberlain was tragic proof of this point. When he came back from Munich, waving Adolf Hitler's signature on a no-war scrap of paper and announcing "peace in our time," he gradually convinced himself that what he wanted to believe was true, and so he became so convinced of it that on March 9, 1939, he sent a note up to the press gallery in the House of Commons telling the reporters that he would like to see them that afternoon at four o'clock. When the reporters arrived for this unexpected conference, they found him beaming, which was unusual. He said he had called this meeting because he was convinced at last that there was now real hope of a European settlement. He explained his feeling at full length and finished by talking not only of better Anglo-German relations but of European disarmament. Now, Neville Chamberlain may have been a misguided statesman, but he was an honest man, and while the Foreign Office was visibly astounded by his remarks, we sent them out to the world that same afternoon. Six days later, the German Army marched into Prague. ** [[James Reston]], ''Prelude to Victory'' (1942), p. 22-23 *[Neville Chamberlain] was a very honourable man ... I often thought he knew that in 1938 he must gain time to get us ready. I believe he gained more in that last year than [[Adolf Hitler|Hitler]] ... it may be that we owe Chamberlain a great debt of gratitude for his judgment for what happened during those years. And it brought [[Winston Churchill|Winston]] forward that much more ... perhaps it has been one of the faults of British politicians that we look at other politicians through slightly rose-tinted spectacles thinking they are as we are. **[[Margaret Thatcher]], interview with Charles Moore, quoted in Charles Moore, ''Margaret Thatcher. The Authorized Biography, Volume One: Not For Turning'' (2013), p. 19 * No conqueror returning from a victory on the battlefield has come home adorned with nobler laurels than M<small>R CHAMBERLAIN</small> from Munich yesterday, and K<small>ING</small> and people alike have shown by the manner of their reception their sense of his achievement. ** "A New Dawn", ''[[The Times]]'', [[1 October]] [[1938]]; opening words of the leader on the Munich Agreement. *[[w:Nicholas Henderson|Nicko]] had been doing some work on Chamberlain, going through all the papers in the [[w:Foreign, Commonwealth and Development Office|Foreign Office]] and in the [[w:Cabinet Office|Cabinet Office]]. I said I felt there were was some excuse for him in his [[w:Appeasement|appeasement]] and his bit of paper after seeing [[Adolf Hitler|Hitler]]. He knew we hadn't got any arms. Nicko said, "You're quite wrong. I have read all the papers and the Cabinet minutes and what Chamberlain noted himself. He really believed that he had persuaded Hitler to drop his warlike approach and aggression and he trusted him." "After all we knew about what he'd been doing to the Jews?" "People didn't realise that here. They turned a blind eye to it. They didn't want to know. The previous war was so close, they lost their nerve and couldn't bear to bring about another one." **[[w:Woodrow Wyatt|Woodrow Wyatt]], journal entry (9 May 1996), quoted in Woodrow Wyatt, ''The Journals of Woodrow Wyatt, Volume Three'', ed. Sarah Curtis (2000), p. 628 *''Monsieur J'aime Berlin'' [Mr. I-love-Berlin]. ** French nickname for Chamberlain (punning on the sound of "Chamberlain" in French) == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{wikisource author}} {{commons|Neville Chamberlain}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Chamberlain, Neville}} [[Category:British Prime Ministers]] [[Category:Academics from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Unitarians]] [[Category:People from Birmingham]] [[Category:1869 births]] [[Category:1940 deaths]] [[Category:Conservative Party (UK) politicians]] [[Category:People of World War II]] kkbod2faehrfltlclvfe8z6aazsok2q 0 26139 3153063 2994186 2022-08-10T00:36:26Z Kalki 71 add 1 wikitext text/x-wiki <div id="10" style="margin: 1em 0em; border: thin solid black; padding: 3px; background-color: #CFE5FF; font: bold 14pt sans-serif;">[[Category:Days]][[w:August 10|August 10]]</div> <noinclude>'''Quotes of the day''' from previous years:</noinclude> ; 2004 : Nobody can be said to have attained the pinnacle of Truth until a thousand sincere people have denounced him for blasphemy. ~ [[Anthony de Mello]] :* selected by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] ; 2005 : There's a whole industry of conservatives saying, "Ah, it's those damn liberals," and a whole group of liberals saying, "It's all those damn conservatives." ~ [[Peter Jennings]] (recent death) :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] ; 2006 : Older men declare war. But it is youth that must fight and die. ~ [[Herbert Hoover]] (date of birth) :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] <!-- * 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 05:26, 8 August 2005 (UTC) * 4 [[User:TomPhil|TomPhil]] 11:45, 2 August 2006 (UTC) --> ; 2007 : It has occasionally been remarked upon that it is as easy to overlook something large and obvious as it is to overlook something small and niggling, and that the large things one overlooks can often cause problems. ~ [[Neil Gaiman]] in ''[[Stardust (novella)|Stardust]]'' (movie adaptation released 10 August 2007) :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] <!--* 4 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 23:55, 9 August 2007 (UTC) / * 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 23:29, 9 August 2007 (UTC) I am somewhat leaning toward a 4 on this, just for this year, but not committed to it as yet: I am also considering something from the film... but am still looking... --> ; 2008 : We are living in a time of trouble and bewilderment, in a time when none of us can foresee or foretell the future. But surely it is in times like these, when so much that we cherish is threatened or in jeopardy, that we are impelled all the more to strengthen our inner resources, to turn to the things that have no news value because they will be the same to-morrow that they were to-day and yesterday — the things that last, the things that the wisest, the most farseeing of our race and kind have been inspired to utter in forms that can inspire ourselves in turn. ~ [[Laurence Binyon]] (born 10 August 1869) :* proposed by [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] <!-- * 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 19:28, 9 August 2008 (UTC) * 4 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 23:45, 9 August 2008 (UTC) --> ; 2009 : Monsters remain human beings. In fact, to reduce them to a subhuman level is to exonerate them of their acts of terrorism and mass murder — just as animals are not deemed morally responsible for killing. Insisting on the humanity of terrorists is, in fact, critical to maintaining their profound responsibility for the evil they commit. <br> And, if they are human, then they must necessarily not be treated in an inhuman fashion. You cannot lower the moral baseline of a terrorist to the subhuman without betraying a fundamental value. ~ [[Andrew Sullivan]] :* proposed by [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] <!-- Monsters remain human beings. In fact, to reduce them to a subhuman level is to exonerate them of their acts of terrorism and mass murder — just as animals are not deemed morally responsible for killing. Insisting on the humanity of terrorists is, in fact, critical to maintaining their profound responsibility for the evil they commit. ~ [[Andrew Sullivan]] (born August 10, 1963) * 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 19:28, 9 August 2008 (UTC) * 4 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 22:09, 9 August 2009 (UTC) <s>* 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 23:45, 9 August 2008 (UTC)</s> but would extend this to end with: "And, if they are human, then they must necessarily not be treated in an inhuman fashion. You cannot lower the moral baseline of a terrorist to the subhuman without betraying a fundamental value." * 1 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 00:57, 10 August 2008 (UTC) --> ; 2010 :The one thing we know about torture is that it was never designed in the first place to get at the actual truth of anything; it was designed in the darkest days of human history to produce false confessions in order to annihilate political and religious dissidents. And that is how it always works: it gets confessions regardless of their accuracy. ~ [[Andrew Sullivan]] :* proposed by [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] <!-- * 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 19:28, 9 August 2008 (UTC) * 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 23:45, 9 August 2008 (UTC) * 3 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 00:57, 10 August 2008 (UTC) --> ; 2011 : What modernity requires is not that you cease living according to your faith, but that you accept that others may differ and that therefore politics requires a form of discourse that is reasonable and accessible to believer and non-believer alike. This religious restraint in politics is critical to the maintenance of liberal democracy. ~ [[Andrew Sullivan]] :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] <!-- * 4 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] ([[User talk:Kalki|talk]] &middot; [[Special:Contributions/Kalki|contributions]]) 00:16, 8 August 2011 (UTC) <s>3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 22:21, 9 August 2009 (UTC) with a lean toward 4.</s> * 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 22:25, 9 August 2009 (UTC) --> ; 2012 : {{quote of the day | quote = Being a [[politician]] is a poor profession. Being a public servant is a [[Nobility|noble]] one. | author = Herbert Hoover }} :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] <!-- * 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 05:26, 8 August 2005 (UTC) with a lean toward 4 * 3 ~ [[User:Jeffq|Jeff Q]]&nbsp;[[User talk:Jeffq|(talk)]] 03:14, 7 August 2007 (UTC) * 1 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 15:20, 24 April 2008 (UTC) * 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 19:28, 9 August 2008 (UTC) --> ; 2013 {{quote of the day | quote = A [[Constitutions|constitutional]] republic dedicated before everything to the [[protection]] of [[liberty]] cannot legalize [[torture]] and remain a constitutional republic. It imports into itself a tumor of pure [[tyranny]]. | author = Andrew Sullivan }} :* proposed by [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] <!-- * 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 19:28, 9 August 2008 (UTC) * 4 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 20:48, 9 August 2013 (UTC) <s>3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 23:45, 9 August 2008 (UTC) with a lean toward 4.</s> * 2 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 00:57, 10 August 2008 (UTC) * 2.5 //[[User:Gbern3|Gbern3]] ([[User talk:Gbern3|talk]]) 03:33, 1 August 2013 (UTC) --> ; 2014 {{quote of the day | quote = [[Words]] without [[actions]] are the [[assassins]] of [[idealism]]. | author = Herbert Hoover }} :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] <!-- * 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 05:26, 8 August 2005 (UTC) * 2 ~ [[User:Jeffq|Jeff Q]]&nbsp;[[User talk:Jeffq|(talk)]] 03:14, 7 August 2007 (UTC) * 2 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 15:20, 24 April 2008 (UTC) * 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 19:28, 9 August 2008 (UTC) * 3 //[[User:Gbern3|Gbern3]] ([[User talk:Gbern3|talk]]) 03:33, 1 August 2013 (UTC) --> ; 2015 {{quote of the day | quote = Sirs, ye are my men, my companions and [[friends]] in this [[journey]]: I require you bring me so far forward, that I may strike one stroke with my [[sword]]. | author = John of Bohemia }} :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]<!-- * 4 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 23:50, 9 August 2015 (UTC) <s>3 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 14:54, 8 August 2014 (UTC)</s> --> ; 2016 {{quote of the day | quote = <!-- ⨀ <br /> --> The [[forces]] going on in the [[society]] are not things the media can prevent or [[change]]. But we can and should [[help]] [[understand]] this [[crisis]] and warn against [[false]] [[solutions]]. If [[feelings]] are trumping [[arguments]] — the pun is fully [[intended]] — it doesn’t mean that arguments don’t still have to be made. It may not win the news cycle. It may not even win this election cycle. But it’s a critical task. | author = Andrew Sullivan }} :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]<!-- * 4 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 00:28, 10 August 2016 (UTC) --> ; 2017 {{quote of the day | quote = <!-- ⨀ <br /> --> [[w:Reactionism|Reactionism]] is not the same thing as [[conservatism]]. It’s far more potent a brew. Reactionary [[thought]] begins, usually, with acute [[despair]] at the [[present]] [[moment]] and a [[memory]] of a previous golden age. It then posits a moment in the [[past]] when everything went to [[hell]] and proposes to turn things back to what they once were. It is not simply a conservative preference for things as they are, with a few nudges back, but a [[passionate]] loathing of the status quo and a [[desire]] to return to the past in one [[emotionally]] cathartic [[revolt]]. If conservatives are [[pessimistic]], reactionaries are [[apocalyptic]]. If conservatives value [[elites]], reactionaries seethe with [[contempt]] for them. If conservatives [[believe]] in [[institutions]], reactionaries want to blow them up. If conservatives tend to resist too [[radical]] a [[change]], reactionaries want a [[revolution]]. Though it took some time to reveal itself, today’s [[Republican Party]] — from [[Newt Gingrich]]’s Republican Revolution to today’s Age of [[Donald Trump|Trump]] — is not a conservative party. It is a reactionary party that is now at the peak of its [[political]] [[power]]. | author = Andrew Sullivan }} :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]<!-- * 4 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 00:01, 10 August 2017 (UTC) --> ; 2018 {{quote of the day | quote = <!-- ⨀ <br /> --> Certain [[truths]] about [[human]] beings have never [[changed]]. We are tribal creatures in our very [[DNA]]; we have an instinctive preference for our own over others, for [[Groupthink|"in-groups" over "out-groups"]]; for hunter-gatherers, recognizing [[strangers]] as threats was a matter of [[life]] and [[death]]. We also invent [[myths]] and [[stories]] to give [[meaning]] to our common lives. Among those myths is the [[nation]] — stretching from the [[past]] into the [[future]], providing meaning to our common lives in a way nothing else can. Strip those narratives away, or transform them too quickly, and humans will become disoriented. Most of us respond to [[radical]] changes in our lives, especially changes we haven’t [[chosen]], with more [[fear]] than [[hope]]. … If we ignore these deeper [[facts]] about ourselves, we run the risk of fatal [[errors]]. It’s vital to remember that multicultural, multiracial, post-national [[societies]] are extremely new for the human species, and keeping them viable and stable is a massive [[challenge]]. | author = Andrew Sullivan }} :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]<!-- * 4 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 00:29, 10 August 2018 (UTC) --> ; 2019 {{quote of the day | quote = <!-- ⨀ <br /> --> You will not arrest the [[w:Reactionary|reactionary]] momentum by ignoring it or dismissing it entirely as a function of [[bigotry]] or [[stupidity]]. You’ll only defuse it by [[appreciating]] its insights and co-opting its [[appeal]]. <br /> Reaction can be [[clarifying]] if it [[helps]] us better [[understand]] the huge [[challenges]] we now face. But reaction by itself cannot help us [[manage]] the [[world]] we [[live]] in [[today]] — which is the only place that matters. You start with where you are, not where you were or where you want to be. There are no [[utopias]] in the [[future]] or [[Gardens]] of [[Eden]] in our past. There is just [[now]] — in all its incoherent, groaning, volatile messiness. Our [[job]], like everyone before us, is to keep our nerve and make the best of it. | author = Andrew Sullivan }} :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]<!-- * 4 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 23:55, 9 August 2019 (UTC), but would now extend this to read: :: You will not arrest the reactionary momentum by ignoring it or dismissing it entirely as a function of [[bigotry]] or [[stupidity]]. You’ll only defuse it by appreciating its insights and co-opting its appeal. <br /> Reaction can be clarifying if it helps us better understand the huge challenges we now face. But reaction by itself cannot help us manage the world we live in today — which is the only place that matters. You start with where you are, not where you were or where you want to be. There are no [[utopias]] in the future or Gardens of [[Eden]] in our past. There is just [[now]] — in all its incoherent, groaning, volatile messiness. Our job, like everyone before us, is to keep our nerve and make the best of it. --> ; 2020 {{quote of the day | quote = <!-- ⨀ <br /> --> Tribalism is now not just one force in [[American]] [[politics]], it’s the overwhelming one, and tribalism abhors [[reality]] if it impugns the tribe. But you can’t have both tribalism and public [[health]]. When you turn wearing a simple face mask into a political and cultural [[symbol]] of [[leftism]], when you view [[social distancing]] as a concession to your [[enemies]], you deeply undermine the power of millions of small impediments to [[COVID-19 pandemic|viral outbreak]].<br /> What we are seeing is whether this tribalism can be sustained even when it costs tens of thousands of [[lives]], even when it means exposing yourself to [[Coronavirus disease 2019|a deadly virus]], even when it is literally more [[important]] than your own life. | author = Andrew Sullivan }} :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]<!-- * 4 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 23:51, 9 August 2020 (UTC) --> ; 2021 {{quote of the day | quote = <!-- ⨀ <br /> --> Great leaps forward in [[history]] are often, in fact, giant leaps back. [[Protestant Reformation|The Reformation]] did initiate brutal [[Sectarianism|sectarian]] [[warfare]]. The [[French Revolution]] did degenerate into barbarous [[tyranny]]. [[Communist]] [[utopias]] — allegedly the wave of an [[Elysium|Elysian]] [[future]] — turned into murderous nightmares. Modern [[neoliberalism]] has, for its part, created a global [[capitalist]] [[machine]] that is seemingly beyond anyone’s [[control]], fast [[destroying]] the planet’s climate, wiping out vast tracts of [[life]] on [[Earth]] while consigning millions of [[Americans]] to [[economic]] stagnation and [[cultural]] [[despair]]. <br /> And at an even deeper level, the more we discover about [[human]] [[evolution]], the more [[illusory]] certain [[ideas]] of [[progress]] become. | author = Andrew Sullivan }} :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]<!-- *4 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 00:03, 10 August 2021 (UTC) <s> 2 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 00:29, 10 August 2018 (UTC)</s> --> ; 2022 : ''[[August 10|Rank or add further suggestions…]]'' ---- <noinclude> Ranking system: :4 : '''Excellent''' - should definitely be used. :3 : '''Very Good''' - strong desire to see it used. :2 : '''Good''' - some desire to see it used. :1 : '''Acceptable''' - but with no particular desire to see it used. :0 : '''Not acceptable''' - not appropriate for use as a quote of the day. ---- ---- == Suggestions == To program is to understand. ~ [[Kristen Nygaard]], computer scientist, died that day. * 3 ~ [[User:MosheZadka|MosheZadka]] [[User talk:MosheZadka|(Talk)]] 05:56, 20 July 2005 (UTC) * 3 ~ [[User:Jeffq|Jeff Q]]&nbsp;[[User talk:Jeffq|(talk)]] 03:14, 7 August 2007 (UTC) * 1 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 15:20, 24 April 2008 (UTC) * 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 19:28, 9 August 2008 (UTC) * 1 //[[User:Gbern3|Gbern3]] ([[User talk:Gbern3|talk]]) 03:33, 1 August 2013 (UTC); no context. ---- Oh father high in heaven -- smile down upon your son</br>Who's busy with his money games -- his women and his gun. ~ [[Ian Anderson]] * 3 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 05:21, 26 May 2008 (UTC) * 2 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 19:28, 9 August 2008 (UTC) * 1 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 23:45, 9 August 2008 (UTC) Many of the Jethro Tull lyrics are interesting, and I might eventually suggest a few myself, but I don't count these as among the best. * 2 //[[User:Gbern3|Gbern3]] ([[User talk:Gbern3|talk]]) 03:33, 1 August 2013 (UTC) ---- First silence. Then denial. Then support of the insupportable. Then vilification of the dissenters. The pattern is as old as time. ~ [[Andrew Sullivan]] * 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 19:28, 9 August 2008 (UTC) * 1 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 23:45, 9 August 2008 (UTC) The context of the quote isn't sufficiently clear as it stands. * 2 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 00:57, 10 August 2008 (UTC) * 2 //[[User:Gbern3|Gbern3]] ([[User talk:Gbern3|talk]]) 03:33, 1 August 2013 (UTC) ---- {{quote of the day | quote = Novelists talk about their characters starting to do things they didn’t expect them to. Well, I imagine every writer of biography or history, as well as fiction, has the experience of suddenly seeing a few pieces of the puzzle fit together. The chances of finding a new piece are fairly remote — though I’ve never written a book where I didn’t find something new — but it’s more likely you see something that’s been around a long time that others haven’t seen. Sometimes it derives from your own nature, your own interests. More often, it’s just that nobody bothered to look closely enough. | author = David McCullough }} * 4 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 00:36, 10 August 2022 (UTC); in regard of his recent death. ---- <!-- interwiki start --> <!-- interwiki end --> </noinclude> cajgd8v20ij7pr8ngvdew2g64rx8v9s 0 26335 3152960 3141024 2022-08-09T17:40:33Z CyberJudoon 2987428 /* Dialogue */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Star Wars: Episode III – Revenge of the Sith|Star Wars: Episode III – Revenge of the Sith]]''''' is a [[w:2005 in film|2005]] [[w:space opera|space opera]] film. It is the third and final film of the ''[[Star Wars]]'' prequel trilogy. The film is set three years after the start of the Clone Wars; the noble Jedi Knights are spread across the galaxy leading a massive clone army against the Separatists. After Chancellor Palpatine is kidnapped by the evil General Grievous, Jedi Master Obi-Wan Kenobi and his former Padawan Anakin Skywalker are dispatched to rescue him. Meanwhile, Anakin's friendship with the Chancellor arouses suspicion in the Jedi Order and proves dangerous to the Jedi Knight himself. When the evil Sith Lord, Darth Sidious, unveils a plot to take over the galaxy, the fate of Anakin, the Jedi Order, and the entire galaxy is at stake. This film was released in theaters on May 19, 2005 in United States. :''Written and directed by [[George Lucas]].'' {{center|'''The Saga Is Complete.''' <small>([[#taglines|taglines]])</small>}} ==Opening crawl== * War! The Republic is crumbling under attacks by the ruthless Sith Lord, Count Dooku. There are heroes on both sides. Evil is everywhere. <br /> In a stunning move, the fiendish droid leader, General Grievous, has swept into the Republic capital and kidnapped Chancellor Palpatine, leader of the Galactic Senate. <br /> As the Separatist Droid Army attempts to flee the besieged capital with their valuable hostage, two Jedi Knights lead a desperate mission to rescue the captive Chancellor.... ==Dialogue== :'''Obi-Wan Kenobi''': Chancellor. :'''Anakin Skywalker''': Are you all right? :'''Chancellor Palpatine''': ''[looking behind them]'' Count Dooku. :''[Count Dooku appears. He jumps from the balcony and landed on his feet :'''Obi-Wan''': This time, we'll do it together. :'''Anakin''': I was about to say that. :'''Palpatine''': Get help. You're no match for him, he's a Sith Lord. :'''Obi-Wan''': ''[turns and smiles]'' Chancellor Palpatine, Sith Lords are our speciality. ''[takes off his robe along with Anakin]'' :'''Count Dooku''': Your swords, please. We don't want to make a mess of things in front of the Chancellor. :'''Obi-Wan''': You won't get away this time, Dooku. :''[They ignite their own lightsabers and begin to fight]'' :'''Dooku''': I've been looking forward to this. :'''Anakin''': My powers have doubled since the last time we met, Count. :'''Dooku''': Good. Twice the pride, double the fall. :''[They fight some more]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Chancellor Palpatine and Anakin Skywalker talk about Anakin's dreams]'' :'''Palpatine''': Did you ever hear the Tragedy of Darth Plagueis the Wise? :'''Anakin''': No. :'''Palpatine''': I thought not. It's not a story the Jedi would tell you. It's a Sith legend. Darth Plagueis was a Dark Lord of the Sith so powerful and so wise, he could use the Force to influence the midi-chlorians to create...life. He had such a knowledge of the dark side, he could even keep the ones he cared about...from dying. :'''Anakin''': He could actually...save people from death? :'''Palpatine''': The dark side of the Force is a pathway to many abilities some consider to be ''unnatural''. :'''Anakin''': What happened to him? :'''Palpatine''': He became so powerful, the only thing he was afraid of was losing his power...which, eventually of course, he did. Unfortunately, he taught his apprentice everything he knew, then his apprentice killed him in his sleep. Ironic. He could save others from death...but not himself. :'''Anakin''': Is it possible to learn this power? :'''Palpatine''': Not from a Jedi. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mace Windu and the Jedi Council members are very concerned about what Chancellor Palpatine has in store for the Jedi Order]'' :'''Mace Windu''': I sense a plot to destroy the Jedi. The Dark Side of the Force surrounds the Chancellor. :'''Ki-Adi-Mundi''': If he does not give up his emergency powers after the destruction of Grievous, then he should be removed from office. :'''Mace''': The Jedi Council would have to take control of the Senate in order to ensure a peaceful transition. :'''Yoda''': To a dark place, this line of thought will carry us. Hmm… great care, we must take. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Anakin''': Master Windu! I must talk to you! :'''Mace''': Skywalker! We just received word that Obi-Wan has destroyed General Grievous. We're on our way to make sure the Chancellor returns his emergency powers back to the Senate. :'''Anakin''': He won't give up his power. I've just learned a terrible truth. I think Chancellor Palpatine is a Sith Lord. :'''Mace''': A Sith Lord?!! :'''Anakin''': Yes… the one we've been looking for. :'''Mace''': How do you know this? :'''Anakin''': He knows the ways of the Force. He's been trained to use the Dark Side. :'''Mace''': Are you sure? :'''Anakin''': Absolutely. :'''Mace''': Then our worst fears have been realized. We must move quickly if the Jedi Order is to survive. :'''Anakin''': Master, the Chancellor is very powerful. You'll need my help if you're going to arrest him. :'''Mace''': For your own good, stay out of this affair. I sense a great deal of confusion in you, young Skywalker. There is much fear that clouds your judgment. :'''Anakin''': I must go, Master. :'''Mace''': No! If what you've told me is true, you will have gained my trust. But for now, remain here. Wait in the Council chamber until we return! :'''Anakin''': ''[resigned]'' Yes, Master. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mace Windu is flung out the window to his death]'' :'''Anakin''': What have I done? :'''Darth Sidious''': You're fulfilling your destiny, Anakin. Become my apprentice. Learn to use the dark side of the Force. :'''Anakin''': I will do whatever you ask. :'''Sidious''': Good! :'''Anakin''': Just help me save Padmé's life. I can't live without her. :'''Sidious''': To cheat death is the power only ''one'' has achieved. But if we work ''together'', I know we can discover the secret. :'''Anakin''': I pledge myself to your teachings. :'''Sidious''': Good. ''Good''! The Force is strong with you. A powerful Sith you will become. Henceforth, you shall be known as Darth...Vader. :'''Darth Vader''': Thank you... my Master. :'''Sidious''': Rise. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sidious''': Because the Council did not trust you, my young apprentice, I believe you are the only Jedi with no knowledge of this plot. When the Jedi learn what has transpired here, they will kill us… along with all the Senators. :'''Vader''': I agree. The Council's next move will be against the Senate. :'''Sidious''': Every single Jedi, including your friend, Obi-Wan Kenobi, is now an enemy of the Republic. :'''Vader''': I understand, Master. :'''Sidious''': We must move quickly. The Jedi are relentless. If they are not destroyed, it will be civil war without end. First, I want you to go to the Jedi Temple. We will catch them off balance. Do what must be done, Lord Vader. Do not hesitate. Show no mercy. Only then will you be strong enough with the Dark Side to save Padmé. :'''Vader''': What about the other Jedi spread across the galaxy? :'''Sidious''': Their betrayal will be dealt with. After you have killed all the Jedi in the temple, go to the Mustafar system. Wipe out Viceroy Gunray and the other Separatist leaders. Once more, the Sith will rule the galaxy! And… we shall have peace. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sidious''': And the Jedi rebellion has been foiled. :'''Bail''': What's happened? :'''Padmé''': The Chancellor has been elaborating on a plot by the Jedi to overthrow the Senate. :'''Sidious''': The remaining Jedi will be hunted down and defeated. :''[Applause; the scene later cuts to the Jedi temple where many younglings have been killed]'' :'''Obi-Wan''': Not even the Younglings survived. :'''Yoda''': Killed not by clones, this Padawan, but by a lightsaber, he was. :'''Obi-Wan''': Who? Who could have done this? :''[Cuts to Vader slicing and killing the Separatists, along with a battle droid, on Mustafar, then cuts to Sidious again]'' :'''Sidious''': The attempt on my life has left me scarred and deformed. But, I assure you, my resolve has never been stronger. :''[Applause; cuts to Vader killing another Separatist and the Geonosian leader Poggle the Lesser]'' :'''Rune''': Stop! No! ''[Vader kills him, another Separatist and another battle droid as well as he has Sith eyes with him, then cuts to Sidious again]'' :'''Sidious''': In order to ensure our security and continuing stability, the Republic will be reorganized into the [[w: Galactic Empire (Star Wars)|first Galactic Empire]], for a safe and secure society. :''[The Senators cheer]'' :'''Padmé''': So this is how liberty dies... with thunderous applause. :''[Cuts to Vader who attempts to kill Nute Gunray for the last]'' :'''Nute''': ''[frightened for his life]'' The war is over! Lord Sidious... promised us peace! We only want to— ''[Vader kills the last of the Separatists and deactivates his lightsaber]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[After the massacre at the Jedi Temple]'' :'''Obi-Wan''': I've recalibrated the code, warning all surviving Jedi to stay away. :'''Yoda''': For the clones, to discover the recalibration, a long time, it will take. :'''Obi-Wan''': Wait, Master. There is something I must know. ''[inspects a security hologram]'' :'''Yoda''': If into the security recordings, you go, only pain, will you find. :'''Obi-Wan''': I ''must'' know the truth, Master. ''[watches hologram of Anakin/Vader killing Jedi younglings and pledging allegiance to Sidious; Horrified]'' It can't be. It can't be! :'''Sidious''': ''[on hologram]'' You have done well, my new apprentice. Now, Lord Vader, go and bring peace to the Empire. :'''Obi-Wan''': I can't watch anymore. ''[deactivates hologram]'' :'''Yoda''': Destroy the Sith, we ''must''. :'''Obi-Wan''': Send me to kill the Emperor. I will not kill Anakin. :'''Yoda''': To fight this Lord Sidious, strong enough, you are not. :'''Obi-Wan''': He is like my brother. :'''Yoda''': Twisted by the dark side, young Skywalker has become. The boy you trained, ''gone'', he is, consumed by Darth Vader. :'''Obi-Wan''': I do not know where the Emperor has sent him. I don't know where to look. :'''Yoda''': Use your feelings, Obi-Wan, and find him, you will. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Vader''': ''[to Padmé]'' I saw your ship. What are you doing out here? :'''Padmé''': I was so worried about you. Obi-Wan told me terrible things. :'''Vader''': What things? :'''Padmé''': He said you turned to the dark side. That you...killed younglings. :'''Vader''': Obi-Wan is trying to turn you against me. :'''Padmé''': He cares about us. :'''Vader''': ''Us''? :'''Padmé''': He knows. He wants to help you. Anakin, all I want is your love. :'''Vader''': Love won't save you, Padmé. Only my new powers can do that. :'''Padmé''': At what cost? You're a good person, don't do this! :'''Vader''': I won't lose you the way I lost my mother. I've become more powerful than any Jedi has ever dreamed of. And I'm doing it for you, to protect you. :'''Padmé''': Come away with me. Help me raise our child. Leave everything else behind while we still can. :'''Vader''': Don't you see? We don't have to run away anymore. I have brought peace to the Republic. I am more powerful than the Chancellor. I can overthrow him, and together you and I can rule the galaxy. Make things the way we want them to be. :'''Padmé''': ''[steps away]'' I can't believe what I'm hearing. Obi-Wan was right. You've changed. :'''Vader''': I don't want to hear any more about Obi-Wan. The Jedi turned against me, don't ''you'' turn against me. :'''Padmé''': I don't know you anymore. Anakin, you're breaking my heart. You're going down a path I can't follow! :'''Vader''': Because of Obi-Wan? :'''Padmé''': Because of what you've done! What you ''plan'' to do. Stop, stop now. Come back. I love you! :'''Vader''': ''[sees Obi-Wan]'' LIAR!!! :'''Padmé''': No! :'''Vader''': You're with him! You brought him here to kill me! ''[Begins Force-choking Padmé]'' :'''Obi-Wan''': Let her go, Anakin! :'''Padmé''': Anakin... :'''Obi-Wan''': Let... her... go! :''[Vader releases Padmé who falls to the ground, unconscious]'' :'''Vader''': You turned her against me! :'''Obi-Wan''': You have done that yourself! :'''Vader''': You will not take her from me! :'''Obi-Wan''': Your anger and your lust for power have already done that. You have allowed this Dark Lord to twist your mind, until now... until now, you have become the very thing you swore to destroy. :'''Vader''': Don't lecture me, Obi-Wan. I see through the lies of the Jedi. I do not fear the dark side as you do! I have brought peace, freedom, justice, and security to my new Empire! :'''Obi-Wan''': Your new Empire?! :'''Vader''': Don't make me kill you. :'''Obi-Wan''': Anakin, my allegiance is to the Republic, to democracy! :'''Vader''': If you're not with me, then you're my enemy! :'''Obi-Wan''': Only a Sith deals in absolutes. I will do what I must. :'''Vader''': You will try. :''[Obi-Wan and Vader activate their lightsabers and engage in a fierce and furious duel]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Yoda''': I hear a new apprentice you have, Emperor...or, should I call you Darth Sidious? :'''Sidious''': Master Yoda. You survived. :'''Yoda''': Surprised? :'''Sidious''': Your arrogance blinds you, Master Yoda. Now you will experience the full power of the dark side! ''[fires Force lightning at Yoda, sending him flying across the room, rendering him unconscious; the scene cuts to the intensifying lightsaber duel between Darth Vader, formerly Anakin Skywalker, and Obi-Wan Kenobi on Mustafar as they battle each other, barging their way into the control room which is littered with the dead bodies of Nute Gunray and the other Separatists; scene cuts again to Darth Sidious on Coruscant as he menacingly laughs at the unconscious form of Yoda]'' I have waited a long time for this moment, my little green friend. ''[cackles evilly as Yoda regains consciousness]'' At last, the Jedi are no more! :'''Yoda''': Not if anything to say about it, I have! ''[uses the Force to throw Sidious across the room]'' At an end, your rule is. And not short enough, it was. ''[Sidious tries to run, but Yoda blocks his way]'' If so powerful, you are...why leave? ''[activates his green lightsaber]'' :'''Sidious''': You will not stop me. Darth Vader will become more powerful than either of us! ''[activates his red lightsaber]'' :'''Yoda''': Faith in your new apprentice, misplaced, may be. As is your faith in the dark side of the Force. :''[Yoda and Sidious engage in their own lightsaber duel]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Obi-Wan''': I have failed you, Anakin. I have failed you. :'''Vader''': I should've known the Jedi were plotting to take over! :'''Obi-Wan''': Anakin, Chancellor Palpatine is evil! :'''Vader''': From my point of view, the Jedi are evil! :'''Obi-Wan''': Well, then, you are lost! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Obi-Wan''': It's over, Anakin. I have the high ground. :'''Vader''': You underestimate my power! :'''Obi-Wan''': Don't try it. :''[Vader jumps in front of Obi-Wan, but Obi-Wan cuts off Vader's legs and part of his remaining good arm. Vader is now struggling near the lava river]'' :'''Obi-Wan''': ''[anguished]'' YOU WERE THE CHOSEN ONE!!! It WAS SAID THAT YOU WOULD DESTROY THE SITH, NOT JOIN THEM!!! BRING BALANCE TO THE FORCE, NOT LEAVE IT IN DARKNESS!!! ''[picks up Anakin Skywalker's lightsaber]'' :'''Vader''': I HATE YOU!!! :'''Obi-Wan''': You were my brother, Anakin. I loved you. ''[Vader, now too close to the lava river, catches on fire. Obi-Wan leaves]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Vader's new mechanical body arises from the steam]'' :'''Sidious''': Lord Vader, can you hear me? :'''Vader''': Yes, master. Where is Padmè? Is she safe? Is she alright? :'''Sidious''': It seems, in your anger, you… killed her. :'''Vader''': I… I couldn't have. She was alive! I felt it!! ''[Vader begins to growl with rage as everything in the room is destroyed. Vader frees himself from the metal stretcher as Sidious smiles with sadistic glee]'' NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Padmè's death, Yoda, Obi-Wan Kenobi, and Senator Bail Organa are onboard the ''Tantive III'' and are traveling to Naboo while discussing the babies' future]'' :'''Yoda''': Hidden, safe, the children must be kept. :'''Obi-Wan''': We must take them somewhere where the Sith will not sense their presence. :'''Yoda''': Hmm...Split up, they should be. :'''Bail''': My wife and I will take the girl. We've always talked about adopting a baby girl. She will be loved with us. :'''Obi-Wan''': And what of the boy? :'''Yoda''': To Tatooine. To his family, send him. :'''Obi-Wan''': ''I'' will take the child and watch over him. :'''Yoda''': Until the time is right, disappear, we will. ''[Senator Organa and Obi-Wan bow and start to leave]'' Master Kenobi, wait a moment. In your solitude on Tatooine, training, I have for you. :'''Obi-Wan''': Training? :'''Yoda''': An old friend has learned the path to immortality. One who has returned from the netherworld of the Force...Your old master. :'''Obi-Wan''': ''[surprised]'' ''Qui-Gon''?! :'''Yoda''': How to commune with him, I will teach you. == Quotes about ''Star Wars: Episode III – Revenge of the Sith'' == * Obviously, fans would love to see a movie about Darth Vader running around killing people. I'm not telling that story, and I'm not interested in that. That's not what the movie is. * This first trilogy is really about the father, the struggles of a father, or a man, basically, to find himself, and at the same time fall into a trap of wanting certain powers, making a pact with the devil and basically spending the rest of his life regretting it. :* George Lucas [http://www.today.com/id/7224080#.VnXlXPkrLIU "Lucas calls new ‘Star Wars’ film a ‘tearjerker’"], ''Today'', Mar. 17, 2005. * This one is a little tougher, and I think children, young children especially, should be warned that this is not your average ''Star Wars''. It's a lot darker. There's a lot more scary stuff in it. It's brutal in places, and they should be aware of that. And at least if it does come out to be a PG-13, the parents are warned to be careful of bringing tiny little kids, like five and six years old, because it might be too much. Know your kids. I have three kids—they’re all grown up now—but when they were six, I knew what I could take them to and couldn't. People think ''Star Wars'' is extremely innocent, although we do cut a lot of people in half and cut off a lot of arms. * Anakin, as Skywalker, as a human being, was going to be extremely powerful, but he ended up losing his arms and a leg and became partly a robot. So a lot of his ability to use the Force, a lot of his powers, are curbed at this point, because, as a living form, there's not that much of him left. So his ability to be twice as good as the Emperor disappeared, and now he's maybe 20 percent less than the Emperor. So that isn’t what the Emperor had in mind. He wanted this really super guy, but that got derailed by Obi-Wan. So he finds that, with Luke, he can get a more primo version if he can turn Luke to the Dark Side. You'll see, as this goes on, Luke is faced with the same issues and practically the same scenes that Anakin is faced with. Anakin says yes and Luke says no. :* George Lucas [http://www.vanityfair.com/news/2005/02/star-wars-george-lucas-story "Lucas calls new ‘Star Wars’ film a ‘tearjerker’"], Jim Windolf, ''Vanity Fair'', February, 2005. * We knew that Padmé was going to be pregnant through the whole film, and nobody in the outside world could know that. Because she's pregnant, I wanted a soft quality to be apparent in the fabrics that were used. ** George Lucas "Crafting Revenge," in "An Introduction to Episode III" at ''StarWars.com''; last accessed August 5, 2006. ==Taglines== * Every Story Has A Hero, Every Hero Has A Destiny, Every Saga Has An End. ==Cast== * [[Ewan McGregor]] — Obi-Wan Kenobi * [[Natalie Portman]] — Senator Padmé Amidala * [[w:Hayden Christensen|Hayden Christensen]] — Anakin Skywalker/Darth Vader * [[Ian McDiarmid]] — Supreme Chancellor Palpatine/Darth Sidious * [[w:Samuel L. Jackson|Samuel L. Jackson]] — Mace Windu * [[Christopher Lee]] — Count Dooku/Darth Tyranus * [[w:Jimmy Smits|Jimmy Smits]] — Senator Bail Organa * [[Anthony Daniels]] — C-3PO * [[w:Kenny Baker|Kenny Baker]] — R2-D2 * [[Peter Mayhew]] — Chewbacca ===Voices=== * [[Frank Oz]] — Master Yoda * [[w:Matthew Wood|Matthew Wood]] — General Grievous * [[w:James Earl Jones|James Earl Jones]] — Darth Vader ---- {{Star Wars}} ==External links== {{wikipedia}} *{{IMDb title|0121766|Star Wars: Episode III – Revenge of the Sith}} *{{rotten-tomatoes|star_wars_3|Star Wars: Episode III – Revenge of the Sith}} [[Category:2005 films]] [[Category:American films]] [[Category:Prequel films]] [[Category:Star Wars films]] [[Category:Works based on the Faust legend]] [[Category:Dystopian films]] [[Category:Sequel films]] [[Category:Cloning in films]] [[Category:Films about revenge]] [[Category:Screenplays by George Lucas]] [[Category:Films directed by George Lucas]] n2hyusf89qa78vgiet5yqv2jbry3z90 0 31406 3152981 3137947 2022-08-09T19:22:58Z Osmanvielma 956454 /* Quotes */ wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Henri Michaux|Henri Michaux]]''' (24 May 1899 – 18 October 1984) was a [[w:Belgium|Belgian]] writer and painter. == Quotes == * A man who knows neither how to travel nor how to keep a journal has put together this travel journal. But at the moment of signing he is suddenly afraid. So he casts the first stone. Here. ** Preface to ''Ecuador'' (1929) * No, I have already said it elsewhere. This earth has had all the exoticism washed out of it. If in a hundred years we have not established contact with some other planet (but we will), or, next best, with the earth's interior, humanity is finished. There is no longer a means of living, we explode, we go to war, we perpetrate evil of all sorts; we are, in a word, incapable of remaining any longer on this rind. We are in mortal pain; both from the dimensions as they now stand, and from the lack of any future dimension to which we can turn, now that our tour of the earth has been done to death. (These opinions, I know, are quite sufficient to have me looked down upon as a mind of the fourth order.) ** ''Ecuador'' (1929) * It is almost an intellectual tradition to pay heed to the insane. In my case those that I most respect are the morons. ** ''Ecuador'' (1929) * A mind of a certain size can feel only exasperation toward a city. Nothing can drive me more fully into despair. The walls first of all, and even then all the rest is only so many horrid images of selfishness, mistrust, stupidity, and narrow-mindedness. No need to memorize the Napoleonic code. Just look at a city and you have it. Each time I come back from the country, just as I am starting to congratulate myself on my calmness, there breaks out a furor, a rage... And I come upon my mark, homo sapiens, the acquisitive wolf. Cities, architectures, how I loathe you! Great surfaces of vaults, vaults cemented into the earth, vaults set out in compartments, forming vaults to eat in, vaults for sex, vaults on the watch, ready to open fire. How sad, sad... ** ''Ecuador'' (1929) * You can love a woman. To admire her is hard. You are not dealing with something important. ** ''Ecuador'' (1929) * In my night, I besiege my King. I rise up steadily and I wring his neck. He regathers his strength, I come back at him, and wring his neck another time. I shake him, shake him like an old prune tree, and his crown trembles on his head. But nevertheless, he is my King, I know it and he knows it, and it is quite certain that I am at his service. ** ''Mon Roi'', in ''La nuit remue'' (1935) * It is preferable not to travel with a dead man. ** ''La Nuit des Bulgares'' in ''Plume'' (1938) (Used as introductory line in Jim Jarmusch's film "Dead Man".) * I started publishing small poetry plaquettes. They were about 200 copies. Then I went up to 2 thousand and now I have reached 20 thousand. Last week a publisher suggested that I publish my books in a collection that runs 100,000 copies. I refused: what I want is to return to the 200 from the beginning. ** Quoted by Octavio Paz in “Don Juan Teachings,” 30th year anniversary, spanish edition, prologue. Cambridge, Mass., september the 15th, (1973.) ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Michaux, Henri}} [[Category:1899 births]] [[Category:1984 deaths]] [[Category:Belgian painters]] [[Category:Poets from Belgium]] [[Category:Poets from France]] [[Category:Fantasy authors]] [[Category:Painters from France]] hnxv8r5pywv3msim157pkvmz8gd5vy9 0 48846 3152926 3131692 2022-08-09T14:31:31Z 96.242.238.55 /* Dialogue */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Meet the Robinsons|Meet the Robinsons]]''''' is a [[w:2007 in film|2007]] [[w:CGI|computer-animated]] family film produced by Walt Disney Pictures about a intelligent young boy named Lewis, who invents things but does not have any family, even though he wants one. Then one day, Lewis' world is changed when a boy called Wilbur, who has a time-machine, takes Lewis on a trip to the future to meet Wilbur's family &ndash; The Robinsons. == Dialogue == :'''Mildred''': Poor, poor, poor, poor, poor, poor, poor, poor, poor Mr. Harrington... :'''Lewis''': ''[immediately scared]'' I killed him?!?! :'''Mildred''': No, no! No, you didn't kill him. He's perfectly fine. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. Willerstein''': Dr. Krunklehorn, I know you're very busy there at Inventco Labs, and we're just so excited to have you as a judge. :'''Dr. Krunklehorn''': It's my pleasure, Mr. Willerstein. Hey, you never know. One of your students may invent the next integrated circuit or microprocessor or integrated circuit. ''[stops Mr. Willerstein, realizing something]'' Oh, wait! I said that already. Well, I just don't get out of that lab very much. ''[Looks down at Mr. Willerstein's bow tie he's wearing.]'' Is that a bow tie? I like bow ties. I haven't slept in 8 days!! :'''Mr. Willerstein''': Well, can I offer you a cot? :'''Dr. Krunklehorn''': Nope. ''[places a sticker with a picture of a coffee mug on Mr. Willerstein's forehead]'' I've got the caffeine patch. I invented it myself. One patch is the equivalent to twelve cups of coffee. You can stay awake for days with no side effects. ''[screams, scaring Mr. Willerstein]'' Sorry. Who's that? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. Willerstein''': Okay, next up is Lizzy and her fire ant farm. :'''Lizzy''': That's right. :'''Mr. Willerstein''': Lizzy, we talked about the fire ants. You know that they have a tendency to bite people. :'''Lizzy''': Only my enemies. :'''Mr. Willerstein''': Keep moving, shall we? Top notch, Lizzy! Let's not anger her, or make her jumpy in any way. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bowler Hat Guy (Future Goob)''': ''[chuckling]'' Come on, my dear! Our future awaits! ''[laughing]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Wilbur Robinson''': If I prove to you I'm from the future, will you go back to the Science Fair?! :'''Lewis''': Yeah, sure, whatever you say! ''[Wilbur starts to push him on to the edge of the roof]'' Hey, let go of me! What are you doing?! Let go of me! :'''Wilbur''': Okay! ''[pushes Lewis off the roof]'' :'''Lewis''': ''[screaming; stops in midair, resumes screaming; Wilbur presses a button and a time machine appears]'' What is this?! Where are we going?! :'''Wilbur''': To the future! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Wilbur''': The answer is not a time machine. ''[holds up the drawing of the Memory Scanner]'' It's ''this''! :'''Lewis''': ''This''? You want to know what I think about this? ''[tears up the drawing]'' :'''Wilbur''': What are you doing?! :'''Lewis''': I'm sorry, Wilbur. ''[moves up to take the wheel]'' You don't know what I've lived through. :'''Wilbur''' Lewis, no! :'''Lewis''': Let go! :'''Wilbur''': You let go! :'''Lewis''': You're not the boss of me! :'''Wilbur''': Yes, I am! 'Cause you're 12 and I'm 13! That makes me older! :'''Lewis''': Well, I was born in the past, which makes me older and the boss of ''you!'' :''[Lewis and Wilbur screaming]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[After the Time Machine crashes]'' :'''Wilbur''': I am ''so'' dead. I'm not allowed to look at this thing, let alone drive it!! Mom and Dad are gonna kill me, and I can tell you this, it will not be done with mercy! :'''Lewis''': Isn't there, like, a Time Machine Repair Shop, or something? :'''Wilbur''': ''[angrily]'' No! There's only two Time Machines in existence, and the Bowler Hat Guy has the other one! :'''Lewis''': Well, ''somebody's'' gonna have to fix this. :'''Wilbur''': Good idea! You're smart, you fix it. :'''Lewis''': Are you crazy?! I can't fix this thing! :'''Wilbur''': Yes, you can. You broke it, you fix it. :'''Lewis''': ''[thinks for a moment]'' Alright, under ''one'' condition. I fix it, ''you'' take me back to see my Mom! :'''Wilbur''': What?!?! You didn't even follow through on our last deal! How can I trust you? :'''Lewis''': Well, ''you'' told me you were a Time-Cop from the future! How can ''I'' trust ''you''? :'''Wilbur''': ''[long pause]'' Touche! :'''Lewis''': So do we have a deal? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The screen reads "Watch out!"]'' :'''Bowler Hat Guy (Future Goob)''': Watch out! ''[the Memory Scanner crashes on him]'' Doris, it's all over! All our hopes and dreams dashed, like so many pieces of a broken machiney thing. :''[Doris squeaks]'' :'''Bowler Hat Guy (Future Goob)''': You're right! Success is still ours for the taking! We must find that boy. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Outside the garage]'' :'''Carl''': ''[deep, echoing voice]'' Who dares to disturb my sanctuary?! :'''Wilbur''': Carl, it's me! Let me in! :'''Carl''': None may enter unless they speak the royal password! :'''Wilbur''': Carl, what are you talking about? We don't have a password! :'''Carl''': Yes, we do! I made one up while you were gone! :'''Wilbur''': Then how am ''I'' supposed to know what it is? :'''Carl''': You, uh... ''[considers this] [normal voice]'' Good point. ''[the door opens]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Carl runs away screaming upon seeing Lewis]'' :'''Lewis''': Well. That was unexpected. ''[Wilbur quickly slams a [[w:Fruit hat|fruit hat]] on Lewis' head]'' As was ''that''. :'''Wilbur''': If my family finds out I brought you from the past, they'll bury me alive, and dance on my grave! I'm ''not'' exaggerating! Well... Yes, I am, but not the point! The point is, your hair's a dead giveaway! :'''Lewis''': ''[confused]'' Why would my hair be a dead giveaway? :'''Wilbur''': That is an excellent question! ''[runs off]'' :'''Lewis''': Wait, where are you going?!?! :'''Wilbur''': Another excellent question! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Spike''': Hey, ring my Doorbell! :'''Dimitri''': No, no, no, no, ring my doorbell! Ring it! Ring it! Ring it! Look at this door bell! Ring it! YES! :'''Spike''': Uh... That was accidental. That's an accidental ring. It doesn't count. It's in the rule book. Look it up. :'''Dimitri''': Flat head. :'''Spike''': Short roots. :'''Dimitri''': Evergreen. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carl''': What do you mean, don't go to the family? How can we not go to the family in this time of family crisis? By leaving the garage door unlocked, you let the time machine get stolen, and now the entire time stream could be altered! That and someone took my bike. :'''Wilbur''': Look, I told you. It's gonna all work out. First, we keep Lewis in the garage away from everybody. I show up and give him the pep talk of the century. Then he fixes the time machine. :'''Carl''': Why is it an acorn? :'''Wilbur''': I didn't have time to sculpt everything. Okay, now, the time machine is fixed. His confidence in inventing is restored. He goes back to the science fair, fixes his Memory Scanner, thus restoring the space-time continuum. :'''Carl''': What about taking him back to see his mom? :'''Wilbur''': I just told him that to buy some time. :'''Carl''': Oh, yeah, can't see that one blowing up in your face. :'''Wilbur''': Trust me. I got it under control. Wilbur Robinson never fails. But on the slight chance that I do... :'''Carl''': "On the slight chance," yeah. You know what? I'll run the numbers. :'''Wilbur''': What is it? :'''Carl''': Well, it's not. It doesn't pertain to anything in. You know, there's not necessarily, there's a 99.999999% chance that you won't exist. :'''Wilbur''': What? :'''Carl''': And I didn't want to tell you, but I did. :'''Wilbur''': I won't exist? :'''Carl''': And where does that leave me? Alone, rusting in a corner. :'''Wilbur''': What am I worried about? Now, blueprints? :'''Carl''': If this thing ever blows over, I really gotta get away from you and get some quiet time. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Grandpa Bud''': What's happening?! Oh! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Well, hey, there, little fella! Now, I know what you're thinking, and my clothes are not on backwards. My head is! ''[Laughing]'' Oh, I used to tell that one to my science students. They didn't laugh, either. Anywho, what's your name, fruit-head? :'''Lewis''': Well, Lewis, but... :'''Bud''': Lewis, huh? Well, say, Lewis, you haven't seen any teeth around here, have you? :'''Lewis''': Teeth?!?! :'''Bud''': Yeah, my teeth. :'''Lewis''': ''[Exclaims]'' :'''Bud''': Been digging holes all day. Can't find them anywhere. :'''Lewis''': All right, look, old man, I need to get back to the garage. Wilbur left me down there, and I wasn't supposed to leave, and these monsters attacked me on the porch and... :'''Bud''': Monsters? There's no monsters on the porch, you ninny. :'''Lewis''': Listen to me! :'''Bud''': Of course, I also didn't think there was a woodchuck living on my arm, and lookie there! Hope he ain't got rabies. :'''Lewis''': Old man, I need to get to the garage! :'''Bud''': Well, sure, I'll get you there in a jiffy. I know a shortcut! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Female Announcer''': And five and six and seven and eight. :'''Bud''': That's Uncle Joe. He works out. :'''Female Announcer''': Keep those tummies tucked. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lewis''': This isn't the garage. :'''Bud''': I know. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lewis''': I don't think the garage is in here, either. :'''Uncle Art''': Egads! A very grave matter, indeed. :'''Bud''': That's Uncle Art. :'''Lewis''': A real superhero? :'''Art''': Quad Four, Alpha Omega Galaxy, needs a large cheese-and-sausage thin-crust? I'll be there in 30 minutes, or it's free. :'''Lewis''': He's a... :'''Bud''': Pizza delivery guy. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tallulah''': Laszlo, you stop painting my hat, or I'm telling Ma! :'''Laszlo''': Ah, lighten up, sis. :'''Tallulah''': Lasz, I mean it! :'''Uncle Fritz''': Children, please. Your mother's trying to take a nap. :'''Aunt Petunia''': What is all the yelling out here?! :'''Tallulah and Laszlo''': He/she started it! :'''Petunia''': I don't want to hear any more! :'''Fritz''': Now, look what you did, honey! :'''Petunia''': ''[smacks Uncle Fritz in the face]'' Don't you "sweetie" me! I'm going for a drive. ''[sound of a car roaring away]'' :'''Bud''': That's strange. She usually takes the Harley. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lewis''': Why is your dog wearing glasses? :'''Bud''': Oh, because his insurance won't pay for contacts. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lewis''': Right. Well, glad I could help with the teeth, but, wow, look at the time. ''[starts to run and bumps into Wilbur]'' :'''Wilbur''': Lewis, I told you to stay in the garage!!!! :'''Lewis''': I did, but I went up the tube, and I ran into your family and I– :'''Wilbur''': ''[panicked noise]'' '''''You met my family?!?!?!?!''''' ''[grabs Lewis by the ear and drags away into a dark room]'' Pop quiz. Who have you met, and what have you learned? :'''Lewis''': Okay. Bud, Fritz, and Joe are brothers. Fritz is married to Petunia, and is she…? ''[makes hand-puppet gesture]'' :'''Wilbur''': Cranky? Yes. :'''Lewis''': Tallulah and Lazslo are their children, Joe is married to Billie, Lefty is the butler, Spike and Dimitri are twins, and I don't know who they're related to. :'''Wilbur''': Neither do we. Go on. :'''Lewis''': Lucille is married to Bud, your dad Cornelius is their son. ''[pause]'' What does Cornelius look like? :'''Wilbur''': ''[thinks for a moment]'' [[w:Tom Selleck|Tom Selleck]]. :'''Lewis''': ''[beat]'' Okay, Cornelius is married to Franny, and her brothers are Gaston and Art. :'''Wilbur''': You're forgetting something. :'''Lewis''': Forgetting-? Oh, right! Wilbur is the son of Franny and Cornelius. :'''Wilbur''': And no one realized that you were from the past? :'''Lewis''': Nope. ''[Wilbur breaths a sigh of relief]'' Thank you, thank you! Hold your applause, thank you very much. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Doris open the window. Bowler Hat guy giggles and shut window on nose]'' :'''Bowler Hat Guy''': Doris, get it off! Get it off! Oh! I got you now! '''''LEWIS!!!!!!!!!!!!''''' :'''Michael "Goob" Yagoobian''': No, Lewis is my stupid roommate. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lewis''': ''[to Wilbur while fixing the time machine]'' I don't even know what I'm doing. :'''Wilbur''': [[Walt Disney#Quotes|Keep moving forward]]. :'''Lewis''': I mean, this stuff is way too advanced for me. :'''Wilbur''': Keep moving forward. :'''Lewis''': And what if I can't fix this, what are we gonna do? :'''Wilbur''': Keep moving forward. :'''Lewis''': Why do you keep saying that? And don't just say "keep moving forward". :'''Wilbur''': It's my dad's motto. :'''Lewis''': Why would his motto be "keep moving forward"? :'''Wilbur''': It's what he does. :'''Lewis''': What's that supposed to mean? :'''Wilbur''': That is an excellent question. Robinson Industries, the world's leading scientific-research and-design factory. My dad runs the company. They mass produce his inventions. His motto, "keep moving forward". It's what he does. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Wilbur''': Five years ago, Dad wakes up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat. Wants to build a time machine. So he starts working! We're talking plans, we're talking scale models, we're talking prototypes! :''[shows Lewis a small scrap of metal]'' :'''Lewis''': That's a prototype? :'''Wilbur''': The very first… Or, what's left of it. :'''Lewis''': Yikes. :'''Wilbur''': Yeah. Dark day at the Robinson house. Prototypes two and three, not much better. Number one, 8, 26, 69, 193, 365, 890, 2.996, 8.000, and they all end the same way. :''[shaking Lewis for emphasis]'' :'''Wilbur''': But he doesn't give up! ''[pause]'' Dude, I can't take you seriously in that hat. ''[Lewis is now wearing an average cap]'' He keeps working and working until finally, he gets it! The first working time machine! Then, he keeps working and working until finally, he gets it again! The second working time machine. :'''Lewis''': Kinda small. :'''Wilbur''': I'm assuming that's a joke. I'm ignoring you for time reasons. This, my friend, is merely a model, because unfortunately, time machine #2 is in the hands of the Bowler Hat Guy. :'''Wilbur''': Pretty amazing story, huh? :'''Lewis''': Yeah. :'''Wilbur''': Now, are you ready to start working? :'''Lewis''': ''[fishing machine]'' I think that's it. I did it! :'''Wilbur''': I knew you could. Nice work, my friend. ''[The time machines flies up, but then it's broken again]'' Well, you know what they say! "Keep moving forward!" Heigh-ho, heigh-ho! :'''Lewis''': ''[angrily interrupting]'' DON'T SAY IT! ''[Sighs]'' :'''Franny''': Boys! Dinner time! :'''Wilbur''': Not now, Mom! :'''Franny''': If you aren't up here in five minutes, I'm gonna come down and get you! :'''Wilbur''': We'd better get up there. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bowler Hat Guy''': What's going on?! Why aren't you seizing the boy?! :'''Dinosaur''': ''[in dinosaur language]'' I have a big head and little arms. I'm just not so sure how well this plan was thought through. ''[Bowler Hat Guy is dumbfounded]'' Master? :'''Bowler Hat Guy''': Ugh, stupid, stupid, stupid! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gaston''': And so it begins. Ready? Aim... fire! ''[throws a meatball at Franny]'' :'''Franny''': Ha. Surely that is not the best you can do. ''[sound doesn't match her lips, like a poorly dubbed martial arts Japanese movie]'' :'''Gaston''': Impressive, little sister. Your skills are strong, but not strong enough. :'''Franny''': Your words do not threaten me, brother. :'''Gaston''': Then enough words. Now the real battle begins. :'''Franny''': Your meatballs are useless against me. :'''Gaston''': Then perhaps it's time for spicy Italian sausage. :'''Franny''': ''[gasps]'' No! :''[After above scene]'' :'''Lewis''': Is dinner like this every night? :'''Uncle Art''': No. Yesterday we had meatloaf. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bowler Hat Guy''': Ah, yes! You are now under my control! :'''Frankie''': I am now under your control. :'''Bowler Hat Guy''': ''[laughs; Frankie does monotone laughing]'' Stop laughing! :'''Frankie''': Stop laughing. :'''Bowler Hat Guy''': Don't repeat everything I say! :'''Frankie''': I won't repeat everything you say. :'''Bowler Hat Guy''': Excellent! :'''Frankie''': Excellent. :'''Bowler Hat Guy''': Uh, did you just say "excellent" because I said "excellent"?! :'''Frankie''': ''[lying to Bowler Hat Guy]'' Uh, no. :'''Bowler Hat Guy''': Excellent! :'''Frankie''': Excellent. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bud''': What if Louis Armstrong said, "I can't?!" You think he'd have walked on the moon?! :'''Lucille''': Dear, Louis Armstrong was a singer! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Franny''': Lewis! Lewis, look at me! You're… You're a great kid, and we would never do anything to hurt you, but I'm sorry! You have to go back to your own time! :'''Wilbur''': Yeah, about that… one of the time machines is broken, and the other one was stolen by a guy with a bowler hat, which kind of explains the dino. :'''Franny''': I'm calling your father. :'''Lewis''': Wait. If I have to leave, can I at least go back and find my mom? Wilbur promised. :'''Franny''': You promised what? :'''Wilbur''': I was ''never'' gonna do it! I swear! ''[gasps and covers his mouth]'' :'''Lewis''': ''[shocked and hurt]'' You ''lied'' to me? :'''Wilbur''': No! ''[nervously]'' Yes. ''[Lewis growls angrily over being lied to and starts to walk away]'' Lewis! Lewis, wait! :'''Lewis''': ''[furious at Wilbur]'' I can't believe I was dumb enough to actually believe you were my friend! :'''Wilbur''': I ''am'' your friend! :'''Franny''': ''[to Wilbur]'' Mister, you're grounded… till you die. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lewis''': Why are you doing this to me? I never did anything to you! :'''Bowler Hat Guy''': ''[amused]'' You ''still'' haven't figured it out! :'''Lewis''': Figured out what? :'''Bowler Hat Guy''': Let's see if this rings a bell - Father of the future, inventor extraordinaire, "Keep moving forward"? :'''Lewis''': That's not ''me'', that's Wilbur's dad! ''[Bowler Hat Guy stares at him expectantly. Lewis' eyes go wide in realization]'' Are you saying that… ''I'm'' Wilbur's… Dad? :'''Bowler Hat Guy''': Oh, Give the boy a prize! ''You'' grow up to be the founder of this wrenched time. So I plan to destroy your destiny! Easy-peasy, rice and cheesy! :'''Lewis''': ''[flabbergasted]'' Wait. So, if ''I'm'' Wilbur's ''dad''... :'''Bowler Hat Guy''': Keep going... :'''Lewis''': Uh, if ''I'm'' Wilbur's ''dad''... :'''Bowler Hat Guy''': ''[irritated]'' Yes, thank you, we've ''established'' that! :'''Lewis''': But... What does it have to do with you? :'''Bowler Hat Guy''': Aha! Allow me to shed some light on the subject. :'''Lewis''': ''[gasps]'' My old room! :'''Bowler Hat Guy''': I think you mean, ''our'' old room. :'''Lewis''': What? :'''Bowler Hat Guy''': Yes! Yes! It is I! Mike Yagoobian! :'''Lewis''': Ugh!!!! :'''Bowler Hat Guy (Future Goob)''': I know! I'm disgusting! But one learns to love it!! :'''Lewis''': How did you end up like this?! :'''Bowler Hat Guy (Future Goob)''': Well, it's a long and pitiful story, about a young boy with a dream. a dream of winning a Little League championship. ''[flashback to a Little League baseball game, Yagoobian is asleep in the outfield; a sleepy Yagoobian fails to catch a ball headed his way]'' A dream that was ruined in the last inning. We lost by one run because of me. :'''Baseball player''': Get him! :''[changes to Yagoobian in the orphanage]'' :'''Michael "Goob" Yagoobian''': If I hadn't fallen asleep, I would have caught the ball! And we would have won! Do you understand?! :'''Bowler Hat Guy (Future Goob)''': For some reason, no one wanted to adopt me. :'''Student 1''': Hey Goob, what's up? Cool binder. :'''Student 2''': Hey Goob, want to come over to my house today? :'''Bowler Hat Guy (Future Goob)''': They all hated me. Eventually, they closed down the orphanage and everyone left... except ''me''. :'''Reporter''': Whiz kid Cornelius Robinson graduates from college at age 14 - This year's Nobel Prize goes to a young Cornelius Robinson - Cornelius Robinson rebuilds Inventco - Robinson reaches out to - Cornelius Robinson - Cornelius Robinson is now - Now here's another amazing... :''[30 years later]'' :'''Bowler Hat Guy (Future Goob)''': It was then that I realized it ''wasn't'' my fault. It was ''yours''!! If you hadn't kept me up all night working on your stupid project, then I wouldn't have missed the catch, so I devised a brilliant plan to get revenge. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bowler Hat Guy (Future Goob)''': And now all that's left is to return to Inventco, where I'll pass off your little gizmo as my own. :'''Lewis''': But you have no idea what that could do to this future! :'''Bowler Hat Guy (Future Goob)''': I don't care. I just want to ruin your life. :'''Lewis''': Goob! I had no idea! :'''Bowler Hat Guy (Future Goob)''': Shut up! And don't call me "Goob"! How many evil villians do you know that can pull off a name like "Goob"? Bleh! :'''Lewis''': Look, I'm sorry your life turned out so bad. But don't blame me you messed it up yourself. You just focused on the bad stuff when all you had to do was... let go of the past and keep moving forward... :'''Bowler Hat Guy (Future Goob)''': Hmm, let's see... take responsiblity for my own life or blame you? Dingdingdingdingding! Blame you wins hands down! ''[laughing]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Wilbur''': I bet you're glad to see me! ''[Lewis punches him]'' Ow!! :'''Lewis''': ''That's'' for not locking the garage door! :'''Wilbur''': Ah! ''[awkwardly]'' You know about that?! :'''Lewis''': I know ''everything''! :'''Wilbur''': You gotta admit, this'll be a ''great'' story to tell me someday! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bowler Hat Guy (Future Goob)''': ''[Doris brings the Memory Scanner back to the Bowler Hat Guy's time machine]'' Take a good look around, boys, because your future is about to change. :''[He heads to the past to pass the memory scanner as his own]'' :'''Wilbur''': Lewis, you ''have'' to fix the Time Machine! :'''Lewis''': No, no, I–I ''can't''! ''[In the past, the Bowler Hat Guy has entered Invent Co]'' What about your dad? You could call him! :'''Wilbur''': You ''are'' my dad! :'''Lewis''': But that's in the future! :'''Wilbur''': There won't ''be'' a future, unless you fix the Time Machine! ''[In the past, Bowler Hat Guy is showing off the memory scanner]'' Look, I messed up. I left the garage unlocked and I've tried like crazy to fix things... But now it's to ''you''. ''[In the past, Bowler Hat guy is signing a contract]'' You can do it, Dad. ''[starts to vanish]'' Lewis? Lewis! :''[flys into the sky turns into a ball of light]'' :'''Lewis''': Wilbur? ''[flies over the Robinson yard and is sucked into the sky]'' Wilbur! Wilbur. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lewis''': No. No, this can't be happening! NO! :'''Franny''': ''[under the control of Doris]'' Oh, Lewis, it's already happened. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lewis''': Why did I even invent of the stupid hat?!?! Take a good look around, Doris, because your future is about to change! ''[heads to the past to see the Bowler Hat Guy finished signing the petition with the memory scanner when Bowler Hat Guy gasps]'' Goob, stop! You don't know what you're doing! :'''Bowler Hat Guy (Future Goob)''': ''[angrily]'' YES, I DO! I'm ruining your future! :'''Lewis''': She's using you, Goob! And when she gets what she wants, she'll get rid of you! :'''Bowler Hat Guy (Future Goob)''': What?! What?! :''[Doris tries to kill Lewis and he says…]'' :'''Lewis''': I am '''''never''''' going to invent you! ''[Doris vanishes]'' Come on, Goob. I've got to show you something. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Wilbur''': You did it, Lewis, you did it! ''[sees Bowler Hat Guy and gasps and attacks him]'' Stop! I'll hold him while you run for help. :'''Lewis''': ''[pries Wilbur off the Bowler Hat Guy and Wilbur is struggling to get free]'' Let him go! :'''Wilbur''': Wh-what are you doing? He's the bad guy! :'''Lewis''': No, he's not, he's my roommate. :'''Wilbur''': What? :'''Lewis''': ''[pulls Wilbur aside]'' He's my roommate, and I want you guys to adopt him. :'''Wilbur''': Are you nuts? :'''Lewis''': Give me a good reason why not. :'''Wilbur''': I'll give you three good reasons. He stole our time machine, he tried to ruin your future, and he smells like he hasn't showered in 30 years! Ow!! :'''Lewis''': ''[grabs Wilbur by the ear]'' May I remind you, I'm your father, you have to do what I say. :'''Wilbur''': Okay, Mr. Yagoobian, do you want to be a Robinsons? ''[turns to see that Future Goob has disappeared and is nowhere to be seen]'' Where'd he go? :'''Lewis''': Goob? Goob! Goob. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cornelius (Future Lewis)''': ''[in the garage]'' Franny, they're gone! Oh, this is terrible! :'''Franny''': Oh, boy... :'''Bud''': Well, he's home early! :'''Cornelius''': Franny, where are you?! ''[runs out to the the rest of his family]'' The Time Machines are ''gone''! ''[sees Lewis]'' Oh, oh! ''[Lewis waves awkwardly at Cornelius, who does the same thing, before looking questioningly at everyone else. Wilbur tries to make his escape, but Franny grabs him by the arm and points to him. Cornelius gives him an unimpressed look]'' Mm-hmm. :'''Wilbur''': Ratted out by the old lady. Harsh. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carl''': Have a safe trip, little Lewis. :'''Lewis''': I will. :'''Carl''': Hey, while I got you here, just a couple of little suggestions regarding my design. :'''Lewis''': Let's face it, these skinny limbs don't exactly make the teapot whistle. :'''Carl''': All that really matters is, hey, don't forget to invent me. :'''Lewis''': Are you kidding? No way! :'''Carl''': I love you. :'''Lewis''': There's so many things I wish I could ask you. :'''Wilbur''': Excuse me. Time travel now, questions later. :'''Lewis''': But I... :'''Lucille''': Don't worry. Just get back to that science fair, and we'll see you real soon. :'''Lewis''': Oh, right. Right, okay, I will. Bye! :'''Bud''': Goodbye, son! :'''Lewis''': Thanks again for everything! :'''Franny''': Wait! Lewis, one more thing. :'''Lewis''': Yeah? :'''Franny''': Just a little tip for the future. I am always right. Even when I'm wrong, I'm right. :'''Cornelius''': She's right. I'd just go with it if I were you. And I am. :'''Lewis''': Then you're absolutely right. ''[Wilbur honks the horn]'' All right, I'm coming. :'''Wilbur''': Well, it's not like you're never gonna see them again. They are your family, after all. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Man''': Over here? There he is. Kid, we'd like to get a story on you for the local paper. You've got a bright future ahead of you. :'''Lewis''': Yeah. == About Meet the Robinsons == * <p>So we had some different challenges: we had skin texture we had to work out, we had to grow hair off of characters' heads and we had to find an animation style that was still fun and loose and had some caricature to it, but could portray humans in a believable way. The Incredibles was a definite inspiration for this. It was eye-popping to me, and certainly part of my education in 3D and how to do character animation with all of its subtleties.</p><p>One really interesting technique that we used is occlusion. It creates shadows based on the proximity of one object to another. It's a way to avoid that glowy feel that computer animation has or the way mouths look like they're illuminated from inside. Occlusion, because it's a closed space in there, will darken that mouth immediately. Then when we add our texture and lighting on top of that, you have a bit more real look to the images you're creating. It's that extra layer of believability that computer animation is so great at.</p> **[[w:Stephen J. Anderson|Steve Anderson]] [http://www.awn.com/animationworld/meet-robinsons-keep-moving-forward-disney 'Meet The Robinsons': Keep Moving Forward at Disney], ''Animation World Network'', 30 March 2007 * You could see it in the animation of 2008's Bolt, the first film Lasseter and Catmull touched: The characters were more visually appealing, more believable, funnier than the characters in Disney's previous film, Meet the Robinsons. And crucially, the acting was more nuanced: The characters didn't feel like caricatures. :* Caitlin Roper, Wired [Roper, Caitlin (October 21, 2014). "Big Hero 6 Proves It: Pixar's Gurus Have Brought the Magic Back to Disney Animation". Wired. Condé Nast.] ==See Also== * [[The Incredibles]] * [[Bolt]] * [[Big Hero 6]] ==External links== {{wikipedia}} [[Category:2007 films]] [[Category:2000s American animated films]] [[Category:American computer-animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated comic science fiction films]] [[Category:Animated films about time travel]] [[Category:Animated films about revenge]] [[Category:Animated films about orphans]] [[Category:Animated films based on children's books]] r4o53dwwt1ruje8gixbgb3m7ejsjzg9 14 53270 3153163 2912076 2022-08-10T08:58:53Z BoldLuis 2962468 wikitext text/x-wiki {{shortcut|CAT:WQ}} This is a top-level category intended to help organise the Wikiquote project. [[w:Project namespace|Project pages]] and categories of project pages should be included here. * For ''adminship'', see [[Wikiquote:Administrators]]. * For a list of ''users who are administrators'', see [[Special:Listusers/sysop]]. [[Category:Wikiquote|administration]] 2qtvaqd2u3v26xf2uhxtsa9a19tro86 0 55790 3152937 3144106 2022-08-09T15:29:44Z Zgystardst 29045 /* First Presidential Administration (1801&ndash;1805) */ added link, added omitted word wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:02 Thomas Jefferson 3x4.jpg|thumb|We are not afraid to follow [[truth]] wherever it may lead, nor to [[tolerate]] any [[error]] so long as [[reason]] is left [[free]] to combat it.]] '''[[w:Thomas Jefferson|Thomas Jefferson]]''' ([[13 April]] [[1743]] – [[4 July]] [[1826]]) was author of the [[United States Declaration of Independence|Declaration of Independence]] (1776) and the [[w:Virginia Statute for Religious Freedom|Virginia Statute for Religious Freedom]] (1777), founder of the [[w:University of Virginia|University of Virginia]] (1819), the third [[w:President of the United States|president of the United States]] (1801–1809), a political philosopher, editor of [[w:Jefferson's Bible|Jefferson's Bible]] (1819), and one of the most influential [[w:Founding Fathers of the United States|founders of the United States]]. : See also: :: '''''[[United States Declaration of Independence]]''''' (1776) :: '''''[[Notes on the State of Virginia]]''''' (1781–1785) == Quotes == [[File:Jefferson statue detail North Grounds UVa.jpg|thumb|If I am to [[succeed]], the sooner I [[know]] it, the less uneasiness I shall have to go through. If I am to meet with a disappointment, the sooner I know it, the more of [[life]] I shall have to wear it off.]] [[File:Thomas Jefferson by John Trumbull.jpg|thumb|The most fortunate of us, in our journey through [[life]], frequently meet with calamities and misfortunes which may greatly afflict us; and, to fortify our [[minds]] against the attacks of these calamities and misfortunes, should be one of the principal studies and endeavours of our lives.]] [[File:Minute Man.JPG|thumb|As to the species of exercise, I advise the gun. While this gives a moderate exercise to the body, it gives boldness, enterprise, and independence to the mind.]] [[File:AdoptionOf13thAmendment.jpg|thumb|I congratulate you, my dear friend, on the law of your state for suspending the importation of slaves, and for the glory you have justly acquired by endeavoring to prevent it forever. This abomination must have an end, and there is a superior bench reserved in heaven for those who hasten it.]] [[File:Official medallion of the British Anti-Slavery Society (1795).jpg|thumb|The abolition of domestic slavery is the great object of desire in those colonies where it was unhappily introduced in their infant state. But previous to the infranchisement of the slaves we have, it is necessary to exclude all further importations... Yet our repeated attempts to effect this by prohibitions, and by imposing duties which might amount to a prohibition, have been hitherto defeated by his majesty's negative: thus preferring the immediate advantages of a few British corsairs.]] [[File:Spanish North America.png|thumb|Spanish is most important to an American... Besides this the antient part of American history is written chiefly in Spanish.]] [[File:George W.Bush and José María Aznar handshake 2001-06-12.jpg|thumb|Our connection with Spain is already important and will become daily more so.]] [[File:Peace Arch, U.S.-Canada border.jpg|thumb|We shall form to the American union a barrier against the dangerous extension of the British Province of Canada and add to the Empire of liberty an extensive and fertile Country thereby converting dangerous Enemies into valuable friends.]] [[File:Cicatrices de flagellation sur un esclave.jpg|thumb|What a stupendous, what an incomprehensible machine is man! Who can endure toil, famine, stripes, imprisonment and death itself in vindication of his own liberty, and the next moment, be deaf to all those motives whose powers supported him through his trial, and inflict on his fellow men a bondage, one hour of which is fraught with more misery than ages of that which he rose in rebellion to oppose.]] [[File:Chief Justice John Roberts presides over the impeachment trial of Donald Trump.jpg|thumb|An ''[[elective]] [[despotism]]'' was not the [[government]] we fought for.]] [[File:Jefferson Memorial with Cherry Blossom.jpg|thumb|[[Virtue]] is not long [[darkened]] by the [[clouds]] of calumny.]] [[File:Flickr - USCapitol - Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826).jpg|thumb|When a man assumes a public [[trust]], he should consider himself as public property, and justly liable to the inspection and vigilance of public [[opinion]]...]] [[File:Kurz & Allison - Battle of Antietam.jpg|thumb|Can the liberties of a nation be thought secure when we have removed their only firm basis, a conviction in the minds of the people that these liberties are of the gift of God? That they are not to be violated but with his wrath? Indeed I tremble for my country when I reflect that God is just: that his justice cannot sleep forever.]] [[File:ConfederateCabinet.jpg|thumb|In a warm climate, no man will labour for himself who can make another labour for him. This is so true, that of the proprietors of slaves a very small proportion indeed are ever seen to labour.]] [[File:Flag of Europe.svg|thumb|Manners and opinions change with the change of circumstances, institutions must advance also, and keep pace with the times. We might as well require a man to wear still the coat which fitted him when a boy, as civilized society to remain ever under the regimen of their barbarous ancestors. It is this preposterous idea which has lately deluged Europe in blood.]] [[File:ImperialStateCrown.jpg|thumb|Monarchs, instead of wisely yielding to the gradual change of circumstances, of favoring progressive accommodation to progressive improvement, have clung to old abuses, entrenched themselves behind steady habits, and obliged their subjects to seek through blood and violence rash and ruinous innovations, which, had they been referred to the peaceful deliberations and collected wisdom of the nation, would have been put into acceptable and salutary forms. Let us follow no such examples.]] === 1760s === * '''To begin an affair of that kind now, and carry it on so long a time in form, is by no means a proper plan ... whatever assurances I may give her in private of my esteem for her, or whatever assurances I may ask in return from her, depend on it — they must be kept in private.''' [[Necessity]] will oblige me to proceed in a method which is not generally thought fair; that of treating with a ward before obtaining the approbation of her guardian. I say necessity will oblige me to it, because I never can bear to remain in suspense so long a time. If I am to [[succeed]], the sooner I [[know]] it, the less uneasiness I shall have to go through.''' If I am to meet with a disappointment, the sooner I know it, the more of [[life]] I shall have to wear it off: and if I do meet with one, I [[hope]] in [[God]], and verily [[believe]]; it will be the last. ** [http://oll.libertyfund.org/?option=com_staticxt&staticfile=show.php%3Ftitle=800&chapter=85791&layout=html&Itemid=27 Letter to John Page (15 July 1763); published in ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson'' (1905)] * '''The most fortunate of us, in our journey through life, frequently meet with calamities and misfortunes which may greatly afflict us; and, to fortify our minds against the attacks of these calamities and misfortunes, should be one of the principal studies and endeavours of our lives.''' The only method of doing this is to assume a perfect resignation to the Divine will, to consider that whatever does happen, must happen; and that by our uneasiness, we cannot prevent the blow before it does fall, but we may add to its force after it has fallen. These considerations, and others such as these, may enable us in some measure to surmount the difficulties thrown in our way; to bear up with a tolerable degree of patience under this burthen of life; and to proceed with a pious and unshaken resignation, till we arrive at our journey’s end, when we may deliver up our trust into the hands of him who gave it, and receive such reward as to him shall seem proportioned to our merit. Such, dear Page, will be the language of the man who considers his situation in this life, and such should be the language of every man who would wish to render that situation as easy as the nature of it will admit. Few things will disturb him at all: nothing will disturb him much. ** Letter to John Page (15 July 1763); published in ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson'' (1905) * Christianity neither is, nor ever was, a part of the common law [this quote is referring to English Common Law]. ** [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-01_Bk.pdf Vol.&nbsp;1 ''Whether Christianity is Part of the Common Law'' (1764) Broken link]. Published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&nbsp;York: G.&nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, p.&nbsp;459 === 1770s === [[File:Benjamin West King Lear Act III scene 4.jpg|thumb|A lively and lasting sense of filial duty is more effectually impressed on the mind of a son or daughter by reading ''[[King Lear]]'', than by all the dry volumes of ethics, and divinity, that ever were written.]] [[File:ThomasJeffersonStateRoomPortrait.jpg|thumb|The God who gave us life, gave us liberty at the same time; the hand of force may destroy, but cannot disjoin them.]] [[File:Truth-Warner-Highsmith.jpeg|thumb|Truth will do well enough if left to shift for herself... Truth is the proper & sufficient antagonist to error.]] [[File:Jefferson Memorial with Declaration preamble.jpg|thumb|We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal; that they are endowed by their Creator with inherent and inalienable Rights; that among these, are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness...]] * '''A lively and lasting sense of filial duty is more effectually impressed on the mind of a son or daughter by reading ''[[King Lear]]'', than by all the dry volumes of ethics, and divinity, that ever were written.''' ** [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-02_Bk.html#hd_lf054.2.head.010 Letter to Robert Skipwith (3 August 1771)] ; also in [http://books.google.com/books?vid=OCLC61981280&id=YjaXnbNMaccC&pg=RA6-PA239&lpg=RA6-PA239&dq=Bergh+%22volumes+of+ethics,+and+divinity%22 ''The Writings of Thomas Jefferson'' (19 Vols., 1905) edited by [[w:Andrew A. Lipscomb|Andrew A. Lipscomb]] and Albert Ellery Bergh, Vol. 4, p. 239] * For the most trifling reasons, and sometimes for no conceivable reason at all, his majesty has rejected laws of the most salutary tendency. '''The abolition of domestic slavery is the great object of desire in those colonies where it was unhappily introduced in their infant state'''. But previous to the infranchisement of the slaves we have, it is necessary to exclude all further importations from Africa. Yet our repeated attempts to effect this by prohibitions, and by imposing duties which might amount to a prohibition, have been hitherto defeated by his majesty’s negative: thus preferring the immediate advantages of a few British corsairs to the lasting interests of the American states, and to the rights of human nature deeply wounded by this infamous practice. ** [http://alexpeak.com/twr/jefferson/#1784 ''A Summary View of the Rights of British America''] (July 1774) * '''The God who gave us life, gave us liberty at the same time; the hand of force may destroy, but cannot disjoin them.''' ** ''Summary View of the Rights of British America'' (1774); ''The Writings of Thomas Jefferson'' (19 Vols., 1905) edited by [[w:Andrew A. Lipscomb|Andrew A. Lipscomb]] and Albert Ellery Bergh, Vol. 1, p. 211 * Let those flatter, who fear: it is not an American art. ** ''Summary View of the Rights of British America'' (1774) * '''Our cause is just.''' Our union is perfect. Our internal resources are great, and, if necessary, foreign assistance is undoubtedly attainable. — We gratefully acknowledge, as signal instances of the Divine favour towards us, that his Providence would not permit us to be called into this severe controversy, until we were grown up to our present strength, had been previously exercised in warlike operation, and possessed of the means of defending ourselves. With hearts fortified with these animating reflections, we most solemnly, before God and the world, declare that, exerting the utmost energy of those powers, which our beneficent Creator hath graciously bestowed upon us, the arms we have been compelled by our enemies to assume, we will, in defiance of every hazard, with unabating firmness and perseverence, employ for the preservation of our liberties; '''being with one mind resolved to die freemen rather than to live slaves.''' ** ''[[w:Declaration of the Causes and Necessity of Taking Up Arms|Declaration of the Causes and Necessity of Taking Up Arms]]'' (1775); Jefferson composed the first draft of this document, but the final work was done by [[w:John Dickinson|John Dickinson]], working with his original draft. [http://www.nationalcenter.org/1775DeclarationofArms.html Full text online] * '''All persons shall have full and free liberty of religious opinion; nor shall any be compelled to frequent or maintain any religious institution.''' ** [http://avalon.law.yale.edu/18th_century/jeffcons.asp Draft Constitution for Virginia (June 1776)] * '''No freeman shall be debarred the use of arms [within his own lands].''' ** [http://avalon.law.yale.edu/18th_century/jeffcons.asp Draft Constitution for Virginia (June 1776)] This quote often appears with the parenthetical omitted and with the spurious extension, "The strongest reason for the people to retain their right to keep and bear arms is as a last resort to protect themselves against tyranny in government". (See [https://www.monticello.org/site/research-and-collections/no-freeman-shall-be-debarred-use-arms "No freeman shall be debarred the use of arms" Quotation] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20200220105040/https://www.monticello.org/site/research-and-collections/no-freeman-shall-be-debarred-use-arms Archived] from the original on February 20, 2020) and [http://www.monticello.org/site/jefferson/strongest-reason-people-to-retain-right-to-keep-and-bear-arms-quotation Jefferson Encyclopedia "Strongest reason for the people to retain the right to keep and bear arms" Quotation] ([https://web.archive.org/web/20200218101730/https://www.monticello.org/site/research-and-collections/strongest-reason-people-retain-right-keep-and-bear-arms-spurious Archived] from the original on February 20, 2020)) * '''Truth will do well enough if left to shift for herself.''' She seldom has received much aid from the power of great men to whom she is rarely known & seldom welcome. She has no need of force to procure entrance into the minds of men. Error indeed has often prevailed by the assistance of power or force. '''Truth is the proper & sufficient antagonist to error.''' ** Notes on Religion (October 1776), published in ''The Writings of Thomas Jefferson : 1816–1826'' (1899) edited by Paul Leicester Ford, v. 2, p. 102 * In the middle ages of Christianity opposition to the State opinions was hushed. The consequence was, Christianity became loaded with all the Romish follies. Nothing but free argument, raillery & even ridicule will preserve the purity of religion. ** ''Notes on Religion'' (October 1776), published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&nbsp;York: G.&nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-02_Bk.pdf Vol.&nbsp;2], p.&nbsp;256 * Compulsion in religion is distinguished peculiarly from compulsion in every other thing. '''I may grow rich by art I am compelled to follow, I may recover health by medicines I am compelled to take against my own judgment, but I cannot be saved by a worship I disbelieve & abhor.''' ** ''Notes on Religion'' (October 1776), published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&nbsp;York: G.&nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-02_Bk.pdf Vol.&nbsp;2], p.&nbsp;266 * [[John Locke|Locke]] denies toleration to those who entertain opinions contrary to those moral rules necessary for the preservation of society; as for instance, that faith is not to be kept with those of another persuasion, ... that dominion is founded in grace, or who will not own & teach the duty of tolerating all men in matters of religion, or who deny the existence of a god (it was a great thing to go so far—as he himself says of the parliament who framed the [[w:Act of Toleration|act of toleration]] ... He says 'neither Pagan nor Mahomedan nor Jew ought to be excluded from the civil rights of the Commonwealth because of his religion.' Shall we suffer a Pagan to deal with us and not suffer him to pray to his god? Why have Christians been distinguished above all people who have ever lived, for persecutions? Is it because it is the genius of their religion? No, its genius is the reverse. It is the refusing toleration to those of a different opinion which has produced all the bustles and wars on account of religion. It was the misfortune of mankind that during the darker centuries the Christian priests following their ambition and avarice combining with the magistrate to divide the spoils of the people, could establish the notion that schismatics might be ousted of their possessions & destroyed. This notion we have not yet cleared ourselves from. ** ''Notes on Religion'' (October, 1776). Published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&nbsp;York: G.&nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-02_Bk.pdf Vol.&nbsp;2], pp.&nbsp;267 * Well aware that '''the opinions and belief of men depend not on their own will, but follow involuntarily the evidence proposed to their minds'''; that Almighty God hath created the mind free, and manifested his supreme will that free it shall remain by making it altogether insusceptible of restraint; that all attempts to influence it by temporal punishments, or burthens, or by civil incapacitations, tend only to beget habits of hypocrisy and meanness, and are a departure from the plan of the holy author of our religion, who being lord both of body and mind, yet choose not to propagate it by coercions on either, as was in his Almighty power to do, but to exalt it by its influence on reason alone; that the impious presumption of legislature and ruler, civil as well as ecclesiastical, who, being themselves but fallible and uninspired men, have assumed dominion over the faith of others, setting up their own opinions and modes of thinking as the only true and infallible, and as such endeavoring to impose them on others, hath established and maintained false religions over the greatest part of the world and through all time: That to compel a man to furnish contributions of money for the propagation of opinions which he disbelieves and abhors, is sinful and tyrannical; ... '''that our civil rights have no dependence on our religious opinions, any more than our opinions in physics or geometry;''' and therefore the proscribing any citizen as unworthy the public confidence by laying upon him an incapacity of being called to offices of trust or emolument, unless he profess or renounce this or that religions opinion, is depriving him injudiciously of those privileges and advantages to which, in common with his fellow-citizens, he has a natural right; that it tends also to corrupt the principles of that very religion it is meant to encourage, by bribing with a monopoly of worldly honours and emolumerits, those who will externally profess and conform to it; that though indeed these are criminals who do not withstand such temptation, yet neither are those innocent who lay the bait in their way; that the opinions of men are not the object of civil government, nor under its jurisdiction; that to suffer the civil magistrate to intrude his powers into the field of opinion and to restrain the profession or propagation of principles on supposition of their ill tendency is a dangerous [[fallacy]], which at once destroys all religious liberty, ... and finally, '''that truth is great and will prevail if left to herself; that she is the proper and sufficient antagonist to error, and has nothing to fear from the conflict unless by human interposition disarmed of her natural weapons, free argument and debate ; errors ceasing to be dangerous when it is permitted freely to contradict them.''' ** ''A Bill for Establishing Religious Freedom'', Chapter 82 (1779). Published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&nbsp;York: G.&nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-01_Bk.pdf Vol.&nbsp;1], pp.&nbsp;438–441. [http://web.archive.org/web/19990128135214/http://www.geocities.com/Athens/7842/bill-act.htm Comparison of Jefferson's proposed draft and the bill enacted] ==== [[w:A Summary View of the Rights of British America|A Summary View of the Rights of British America]] (1774) ==== [[File:Andrew Johnson impeachment trial.jpg|thumb|From the nature of things, every society must at all times possess within itself the sovereign powers of legislation.]] [[File:Reproduction-of-the-1805-Rembrandt-Peale-painting-of-Thomas-Jefferson-New-York-Historical-Society 1.jpg|thumb|The whole art of government consists in the art of being honest.]] * History has informed us that bodies of men, as well as individuals, are susceptible of the spirit of tyranny. * There are extraordinary situations which require extraordinary interposition. An exasperated people, who feel that they possess power, are not easily restrained within limits strictly regular. * '''When the representative body have lost the confidence of their constituents, when they have notoriously made sale of their most valuable rights, when they have assumed to themselves powers which the people never put into their hands, then indeed their continuing in office becomes dangerous to the state, and calls for an exercise of the power of dissolution.''' * '''From the nature of things, every society must at all times possess within itself the sovereign powers of legislation. The feelings of human nature revolt against the supposition of a state so situated as that it may not in any emergency provide against dangers which perhaps threaten immediate ruin. While those bodies are in existence to whom the people have delegated the powers of legislation, they alone possess and may exercise those powers; but when they are dissolved by the lopping off one or more of their branches, the power reverts to the people, who may exercise it to unlimited extent, either assembling together in person, sending deputies, or in any other way they may think proper.''' * From the nature and purpose of civil institutions, all the lands within the limits which any particular society has circumscribed around itself are assumed by that society, and subject to their allotment only. This may be done by themselves, assembled collectively, or by their legislature, to whom they may have delegated sovereign authority; and if they are alloted in neither of these ways, each individual of the society may appropriate to himself such lands as he finds vacant, and occupancy will give him title. * '''A free people [claim] their rights, as derived from the laws of nature, and not as the gift of their chief magistrate'''. * '''Let those flatter who fear; it is not an American art. To give praise which is not due might be well from the venal, but would ill beseem those who are asserting the rights of human nature.''' They know, and will therefore say, that kings are the servants, not the proprietors of the people. * '''The whole art of government consists in the art of being honest.''' * '''The God who gave us life gave us liberty at the same time; the hand of force may destroy, but cannot disjoin them.''' ==== [[w:United States Declaration of Independence|Declaration of Independence]] (1776) ==== : <small>For more quotes from and about this document, see [[United States Declaration of Independence]]</small> [[File:Declaration independence.jpg|thumb|For the support of this declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of divine providence, we mutually pledge to each other our lives, our fortunes, and our sacred honor.]] * '''When, in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.''' * '''We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness.—That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness.''' * '''And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes and our sacred Honor.''' ===== Earlier drafts ===== * ''[[George III of the United Kingdom|he]]<!--Jefferson did not capitalise this word in his original rough draft--> has waged cruel war against human nature itself, violating it's most sacred rights of life'' & ''liberty in the persons of a distant people who never offended him, captivating'' & ''carrying them into slavery in another hemisphere, or to incur miserable death in their transportation thither.&nbsp; this<!--Jefferson did not capitalise this word in his original rough draft--> piratical warfare, the opprobrium of'' infidel<!--Jefferson unitalicised this word in his original rough draft--> ''powers; is the warfare of the'' <u>Christian</u><!--Jefferson unitalicised and underlined this word in his original rough draft--> ''king of Great Britain. determined to keep open a market where'' MEN<!--Jefferson unitalicised and capitalised this word in his original rough draft--> ''should be bought'' & ''sold he has prostituted his negative for suppressing every legislative attempt to prohibit or to restrain this execrable commerce: and that this assemblage of horrors might want no fact of distinguished die, he is now exciting those very people to rise in arms among us, and to purchase that liberty of which'' he<!--Jefferson unitalicised this word in his original rough draft--> ''has deprived them, by murdering the people upon whom'' he<!--Jefferson unitalicised this word in his original rough draft--> ''also obtruded them: thus paying off former crimes committed against the <u>liberties</u><!--Jefferson underlined this word in his original rough draft--> of one people, with crimes which he urges them to commit against the <u>lives</u><!--Jefferson underlined this word in his original rough draft--> of another. ** [http://alexpeak.com/twr/doi/draft/#ex2 Known as the "anti-slavery clause", this section drafted by Thomas Jefferson was removed from the ''Declaration'' at the behest of representatives of South Carolina]. * Murdering the people upon whom he also obtruded them, thus paying off former crimes committed against the liberties of one people, with crimes which he urges them to commit against the lives of another. In every stage of these repressions, we have petitioned for redress in the most humble terms, our repreated petitions have been answered only by repreated injury. ** [https://books.google.com/books?id=WbFznb7PSGsC&printsec=frontcover&source=gbs_ge_summary_r&cad=0#v=onepage&q&f=false Article No. 20] === 1780s === [[File:Thomas Jefferson commerative silver dollar.png|thumb|It it is a part of the price we pay for our liberty, which cannot be guarded but by the freedom of the press, nor that be limited without danger of losing it.]] [[File:Jefferson-peale.jpg|thumb|It does me no [[injury]] for my neighbour to say there are twenty [[gods]], or [[Atheism|no god]]. It neither picks my pocket nor breaks my leg.]] [[File:LibertyTreePlanting.jpg|thumb|What country can preserve its liberties if their rulers are not warned from time to time that their people preserve the [[spirit]] of [[resistance]]? Let them take arms. The remedy is to set them right as to [[facts]], pardon and pacify them. What signify a few lives lost in a century or two? The tree of [[liberty]] must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of [[patriots]] and [[tyrants]]. It is its natural manure.]] [[File:Monument to shays rebellion.jpg|thumb|A little [[rebellion]], now and then, is a good thing, and as [[necessary]] in the [[political]] world as [[storms]] in the physical.]] [[File:Thomas-Jefferson.jpg|thumb|I had rather be shut up in a very modest cottage with my [[books]], my [[family]] and a few old [[friends]], dining on simple bacon, and letting the [[world]] roll on as it liked, than to occupy the most splendid post, which any [[human]] [[power]] can give.]] [[File:Thomas_Jefferson_by_Rembrandt_Peale,_1800.jpg|thumb|I never submitted the whole [[system]] of my [[opinions]] to the [[creed]] of any party of men whatever in [[religion]], in [[philosophy]], in [[politics]], or in anything else where I was capable of [[thinking]] for [[myself]].]] [[File:Press Freedom 2017 RWB.svg|thumb|Our [[liberty]] depends on the [[freedom of the press]], and that cannot be limited without being lost.]] [[File:Burning of the uss philadelphia.jpg|thumb|We took the liberty to make some enquiries concerning the ground of their [[pretension|pretentions]] to make war upon [[nations]] who had done them no [[injury]], and observed that we considered [[all]] [[mankind]] as our [[friends]] who had done us no wrong, nor had given us any provocation ... The Ambassador answered us that it was founded on the [[laws]] of [[Mohammed|their Prophet]]; that it was written in their [[Koran]]; that all [[nations]] who should not have acknowledged their [[authority]] were [[sinners]]; that it was their right and duty to make [[war]] upon them wherever they could be found, and to make [[slaves]] of all they could.]] * [I]f the present Congress errs in too much talking, how can it be otherwise in a body to which the people send 150 lawyers, whose trade it is to question everything, yield nothing, and to talk by the hour? ** 1782, reported in Henry Brougham, Baron Brougham and Vaux, ''Historical Sketches of Statesmen who Flourished in the Time of George III'' (1845), Vol. II, p. 62. * Cultivators of the earth are the most valuable citizens. They are the most vigorous, the most independent, the most virtuous, and they are tied to their country and wedded to its liberty and interests by the most lasting bands. As long therefore as they can find employment in this line, I would not convert them into mariners, artisans, or any thing else. But our citizens will find employment in this line till their numbers, and of course their productions, become too great for the demand both internal and foreign. ** Letter to John Jay (23 August 1785); published in ''The Papers of Thomas Jefferson'' (1953), edited by Julian P. Boyd, vol. 8, p. 426 * In the [[w:Northern United States|North]] they are<br>cool<br>sober<br>laborious<br>persevering<br>independent<br>jealous of their own liberties, and just to those of others<br>interested<br>chicaning<br>superstitious and hypocritical in their religion<br>In the [[w:Southern United States|South]] they are <br>fiery<br>voluptuary<br>indolent<br> unsteady<br>independent<br>zealous for their own liberties, but trampling on those of others.<br>generous<br>candid<br>without attachment or pretensions to any religion but that of the heart. ** Letter to [[w:François-Jean de Chastellux|François-Jean de Chastellux]] (September 2, 1785), quoted in Thomas Jefferson, ''Writings'', ed. Merrill D. Peterson (1984), p. 827 * I am conscious that an equal division of property is impracticable. But the consequences of this enormous inequality producing so much misery to the bulk of mankind, legislators cannot invent too many devices for subdividing property..[a] means of silently lessening the inequality of property is to '''exempt all from taxation below a certain point, and to tax the higher portions of property in geometrical progression as they rise'''. ** [http://press-pubs.uchicago.edu/founders/documents/v1ch15s32.html Letter to] [[James Madison]] (28 October 1785) * Whenever there is in any country, uncultivated lands and unemployed poor, it is clear that the laws of property have been so far extended as to violate natural right. The earth is given as a common stock for man to labour and live on. ** [http://press-pubs.uchicago.edu/founders/documents/v1ch15s32.html Letter to] [[James Madison]] (28 October 1785) * It is an axiom in my mind, that '''our liberty can never be safe but in the hands of the people themselves''', and that too of the people with a certain degree of instruction. This it is the business of the State to effect, and on a general plan. ** [http://www.familytales.org/dbDisplay.php?id=ltr_thj1489 Letter to] [[George Washington]] (4 January 1786) * '''What a stupendous, what an incomprehensible machine is man! Who can endure toil, famine, stripes, imprisonment and death itself in vindication of his own liberty, and the next moment''', be deaf to all those motives whose powers supported him through his trial, and '''inflict on his fellow men a bondage, one hour of which is fraught with more misery than ages of that which he rose in rebellion to oppose.''' ** [https://books.google.com/books?id=u1xgWBntGYIC&printsec=frontcover&dq=jaffa+new+birth&hl=en&sa=X&ei=5BYSVeC0EYfegwTbzoKoCw&ved=0CB4Q6AEwAA#v=onepage&q=soul%20of%20the&f=false Letter to Jean Nicholas Demeunier] (24 January 1786) Bergh 17:103 * It is really to be lamented that after a public servant has passed a life in important and faithful services, after having given the most plenary satisfaction in every station, it should yet be in the power of every individual to disturb his quiet, by arraigning him in a gazette and by obliging him to act as if he needed a defence, an obligation imposed on him by unthinking minds which never give themselves the trouble of seeking a reflection unless it be presented to them. However it is a part of the price we pay for '''our liberty''', which '''cannot be guarded but by the freedom of the press, nor that be limited without danger of losing it.''' To the loss of time, of labour, of money, then, must be added that of quiet, to which those must offer themselves who are capable of serving the public, and all this is better than European bondage. Your quiet may have suffered for a moment on this occasion, but you have the strongest of all supports that of the public esteem. ** Letter to John Jay from Paris, France (January 25, 1786). Source: “[https://founders.archives.gov/documents/Jefferson/01-09-02-0190 From Thomas Jefferson to John Jay, 25 January 1786],” Founders Online, National Archives, last modified June 13, 2018. [Original source: The Papers of Thomas Jefferson, vol. 9, 1 November 1785 – 22 June 1786, ed. Julian P. Boyd. Princeton: Princeton University Press, 1954, p. 215.] * '''Our liberty depends on the freedom of the press, and that cannot be limited without being lost.''' ** Letter to Dr. James Currie (28 January 1786) Lipscomb & Bergh 18:ii * {{Anchor|Koran}}We took the liberty to make some enquiries concerning the ground of their pretensions to make war upon nations who had done them no injury, and observed that we considered all mankind as our friends who had done us no wrong, nor had given us any provocation. '''The Ambassador [of Tripoli] answered us that it was founded on the Laws of their Prophet, that it was written in their Koran, that all nations who should not have acknowledged their authority were sinners, that it was their right and duty to make war upon them wherever they could be found, and to make slaves of all they could take as Prisoners, and that every Musselman who should be slain in battle was sure to go to Paradise.''' ** Letter from the commissioners (John Adams, Thomas Jefferson) to [[w:John Jay|John Jay]], 28 March 1786, in ''Thomas Jefferson Travels: Selected Writings, 1784-1789'', by Anthony Brandt, [http://books.google.com/books?id=SY_3VKP0SEkC&pg=PA104&dq=%22Ambassador+Answered%22 pp. 104-105] * The two principles on which our conduct towards the Indians should be founded, are justice and fear. After the injuries we have done them, they cannot love us.... ** Letter to Benjamin Hawkins (13 August 1786) Lipscomb & Bergh ed. 5:390 * The policy of American government is to leave its citizens free, neither restraining them nor aiding them in their pursuits. ** Letter to M. L'Hommande, (1787), as quoted in ''The Jeffersonian Cyclopedia'' (1900), edited by John P. Foley, p. 500<!-- Funk & Wagnalls Company --> * '''The basis of our government being the opinion of the people, the very first object should be to keep that right; and were it left to me to decide whether we should have a government without newspapers, or newspapers without a government, I should not hesitate a moment to prefer the latter.''' But I should mean that '''every man should receive those papers and be capable of reading them.''' ** Letter to Colonel Edward Carrington (16 January 1787) Lipscomb & Bergh ed. 6:57 ** Compare letter to John Norvell (11 June 1807), below. * Experience declares that man is the only animal which devours his own kind; for I can apply no milder term to the governments of Europe, and to the general prey of the rich on the poor. ** Letter to Colonel Edward Carrington (16 January 1787) * I am convinced that those societies (as the Indians) which live without government enjoy in their general mass an infinitely greater degree of happiness than those who live under the European governments. ** Letter to Colonel Edward Carrington, Paris, (16 January 1787) * '''I hold it, that a little rebellion, now and then, is a good thing, and as necessary in the political world as storms in the physical.''' ** Letter to James Madison (30 January 1787); referring to [[w:Shays' Rebellion|Shays' Rebellion]] Lipscomb & Bergh ed. 6:65 * The spirit of resistance to government is so valuable on certain occasions, that I wish it to be always kept alive. It will often be exercised when wrong, but better so than not to be exercised at all. I like a little rebellion now and then. It is like a storm in the atmosphere. ** [http://memory.loc.gov/master/mss/mtj/mtj1/006/1200/1251.jpg Letter to Abigail Smith Adams] from Paris while a Minister to France (22 February 1787), referring to Shay's Rebellion. [http://www.loc.gov/teachers/classroommaterials/connections/thomas-jefferson/history4.html "Jefferson's Service to the New Nation," Library of Congress] * '''I have no fear that the result of our experiment will be that men may be trusted to govern themselves without a master.''' Could the contrary of this be proved, I should conclude either that there is no god, or that he is a malevolent being. ** [https://founders.archives.gov/documents/Jefferson/01-11-02-0441 Letter to David Hartley (2 July 1787)] * God forbid we should ever be twenty years without such a rebellion. The people cannot be all, and always, well informed. The part which is wrong will be discontented, in proportion to the importance of the facts they misconceive. If they remain quiet under such misconceptions, it is lethargy, the forerunner of death to the public liberty. [...] What country before ever existed a century and half without a rebellion? And '''what country can preserve its liberties if their rulers are not warned from time to time that their people preserve the spirit of resistance? Let them take arms. The remedy is to set them right as to facts, pardon and pacify them. What signify a few lives lost in a century or two? The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants. It is its natural manure.''' ** [https://founders.archives.gov/documents/Jefferson/01-12-02-0348 Letter] to [[w:William Stephens Smith|William Stephens Smith]] (13 November 1787). [https://www.loc.gov/resource/mtj1.008_0514_0516/?sp=2 Manuscript at the Library of Congress]. * When we get piled upon one another in large cities, as in Europe, we shall become corrupt as in Europe. ** Letter to [[James Madison]] (20 December 1787), [http://books.google.com/books?id=5iUWAAAAYAAJ&pg=PA332&dq=%22When+we+get+piled+upon+one%22+inauthor:jefferson&lr=&num=50&as_brr=0&hl=sv ''The Writings of Thomas Jefferson'' (19 Vols., 1905) edited by [[w:Andrew A. Lipscomb|Andrew A. Lipscomb]] and Albert Ellery Bergh, Vol. VI, p. 392.] * I am not a friend to a very energetic government. It is always oppressive. It places the governors indeed more at their ease at the expense of the people. The late rebellion in Massachusetts has given much more alarm than I think it should have done. Calculate that one rebellion in thirteen States in the course of eleven years is but one for each State in a century and a half. No country should be so long without one. Nor will any degree of power in the hands of the government prevent insurrections. In England, where the hand of power is heavier than with us, there are seldom half a dozen years without an insurrection. In France, where it is still heavier but less despotic, as [[Montesquieu]] supposes, than in some other countries and where there are always two or three hundred thousand men ready to crush insurrections, there have been three in the course of the three years I have been here, in every one of which greater numbers were engaged than in Massachusetts. ** Letter to James Madison, Paris, (20 December 1787), ''The Political Writings Of Thomas Jefferson'', Dumbauld, Edit. (1955) pp. 67-68 * With respect to the new Government, nine or ten States will probably have accepted by the end of this month. The others may oppose it. Virginia, I think, will be of this number. Besides other objections of less moment, she [Virginia] will insist on annexing a bill of rights to the new Constitution, i.e. a bill wherein the Government shall declare that, '''1. Religion shall be free; 2. Printing presses free; 3. Trials by jury preserved in all cases; 4. No monopolies in commerce; 5. No standing army.''' Upon receiving this bill of rights, she will probably depart from her other objections; and this bill is so much to the interest of all the States, that I presume they will offer it, and thus our Constitution be amended, and our Union closed by the end of the present year. ** Letter to Mr. Dumas (12 February 1788) * '''I had rather be shut up in a very modest cottage with my books, my family and a few old friends, dining on simple bacon, and letting the world roll on as it liked, than to occupy the most splendid post, which any human power can give.''' ** Letter to Alexander Donald (7 February 1788) * '''Paper is poverty,... it is only the ghost of money, and not money itself.''' ** Letter to Colonel Edward Carrington (27 May 1788) ME 7:36 * '''The natural progress of things is for liberty to yield, and government to gain ground.''' ** [https://founders.archives.gov/documents/Jefferson/01-13-02-0120 Letter to Edward Carrington, Paris] (27 May 1788) * Architecture worth great attention. As we double our numbers every 20 years we must double our houses. Besides we build of such perishable materials that one half of our houses must be rebuilt in every space of 20 years. So that in that term, houses are to be built for three fourths of our inhabitants. It is then among the most important arts: and it is desireable to introduce taste into an art which shews so much. ** Hints to Americans travelling in Europe, letter to John Rutledge, Jr. (June 19, 1788); in ''The Papers of Thomas Jefferson'', ed. Julian P. Boyd (1956), vol. 13, p. 269 * It is always better to have no ideas than false ones; to believe nothing, than to believe what is wrong. ** Letter From Thomas Jefferson to the Rev. James Madison, 19 July 1788 * I sincerely rejoice at the acceptance of our new Constitution by nine States. It is a good canvas, on which some strokes only want retouching. What these are, I think are sufficiently manifested by the general voice from north to south, which calls for a bill of rights. ** Letter to [[James Madison]] (July 31, 1788); reported in ''Memoir, correspondence, and miscellanies from the papers of Thomas Jefferson'', Volumes 1-2 (1829), p. 343 * Whenever the people are well informed, they can be trusted with their own government; that whenever things get so far wrong as to attract their notice, they may be relied on to set them to rights. ** Letter to [[w:Richard Price|Richard Price]] (8 January 1789) * You say that I have been dished up to you as an antifederalist, and ask me if it be just. My opinion was never worthy enough of notice to merit citing; but since you ask it I will tell it you. I am not a Federalist, because '''I never submitted the whole system of my opinions to the creed of any party of men whatever in religion, in philosophy, in politics, or in anything else where I was capable of thinking for myself. Such an addiction is the last degradation of a free and moral agent. If I could not go to heaven but with a party, I would not go there at all.''' Therefore I protest to you I am not of the party of federalists. But I am much farther from that than of the Antifederalists. ** Letter to Francis Hopkinson (13 March 1789) * We think in America that it is necessary to introduce the people into every department of government as far as they are capable of exercising it; and that this is the only way to ensure a long-continued and honest administration of it's powers. 1. They are not qualified to exercise themselves the EXECUTIVE department: but they are qualified to name the person who shall exercise it. With us therefore they chuse this officer every 4. years. 2. They are not qualified to LEGISLATE. With us therefore they only chuse the legislators. 3. They are not qualified to JUDGE questions of law; but they are very capable of judging questions of fact. In the form of JURIES therefore they determine all matters of fact, leaving to the permanent judges to decide the law resulting from those facts. Butwe all know that permanent judges acquire an esprit de corps; that, being known, they are liable to be tempted by bribery; that they are misled by favor, by relationship, by a spirit of party, by a devotion to the executive or legislative; that '''it is better to leave a cause to the decision of [[w:coin flipping|cross and pile]] than to that of a judge biased to one side'''; and that the opinion of twelve honest jurymen gives still a better hope of right than cross and pile does. It is left therefore, to the juries, if they think the permanent judges are under any bias whatever in any cause, to take on themselves to judge the law as well as the fact. They never exercise this power but when they suspect partiality in the judges; and by the exercise of this power they have been the firmest bulwarks of English liberty. ** [https://founders.archives.gov/documents/Jefferson/01-15-02-0275 Letter to the Abbé Arnoux (19 July 1787)] * '''I say, the earth belongs to each of these generations during its course, fully and in its own right. The second generation receives it clear of the debts and incumbrances of the first, the third of the second, and so on. For if the first could charge it with a debt, then the earth would belong to the dead and not to the living generation. Then, no generation can contract debts greater than may be paid during the course of its own existence.''' ** [http://etext.virginia.edu/jefferson/quotations/jeff1340.htm Letter] to [[James Madison]] (6 September 1789) ME 7:455, Papers 15:393 ==== Letter to George Rogers Clark (1780) ==== : <small>[http://wiki.monticello.org/mediawiki/index.php/Empire_of_liberty Letter to George Rogers Clark] (25 December 1780).</small> * We shall divert through our own Country a branch of commerce which the European States have thought worthy of the most important struggles and sacrifices, and in the event of peace... we shall form to the American union a barrier against the dangerous extension of the British Province of Canada and add to the Empire of liberty an extensive and fertile Country thereby converting dangerous Enemies into valuable friends. ==== ''Notes on the State of Virginia'' ==== : <small>''[[Notes on the State of Virginia]]'' (1781-1783).</small> * All the powers of government, legislative, executive, and judiciary, result to the legislative body. The concentrating these in the same hands is precisely the definition of despotic government. It will be no alleviation that these powers will be exercised by a plurality of hands, and not by a single one. [...] As little will it avail us that they are chosen by ourselves. '''An ''[[elective]] [[despotism]]'' was not the [[government]] we fought for'''; but one which should not only be founded on free principles, but in which the powers of government should be so divided and balanced among several bodies of magistracy, as that no one could transcend their legal limits, without being effectually checked and restrained by others. ** Query XIII, pp. 126–127 * It will probably be asked, Why not retain and incorporate the blacks into the state, and thus save the expence of supplying, by importation of white settlers, the vacancies they will leave? Deep rooted prejudices entertained by the whites; ten thousand recollections, by the blacks, of the injuries they have sustained; new provocations; the real distinctions which nature has made; and many other circumstances, will divide us into parties, and produce convulsions which will probably never end but in the extermination of the one or the other race. ** Query XIV, p. 147 * To these objections, which are political, may be added others, which are physical and moral. The first difference which strikes us is that of colour. ... Add to these, flowing hair, a more elegant symmetry of form, their own judgment in favour of the whites, declared by their preference of them, as uniformly as is the preference of the Oranootan for the black women over those of his own species. ** Query XIV, pp. 147–148 * Comparing them by their faculties of memory, reason, and imagination, it appears to me, that in memory they are equal to the whites; in reason much inferior. ... The improvement of the [[Black people|blacks]] in body and mind, in the first instance of their mixture with the whites, has been observed by every one, and proves that their inferiority is not the effect merely of their condition of life. We know that among the [[w:Ancient Rome|Romans]], about the [[Augustus|Augustan age]] especially, the condition of their slaves was much more deplorable than that of the blacks on the continent of America. ... Yet notwithstanding these and other discouraging circumstances among the Romans, their slaves were often their rarest artists. They excelled too in science, insomuch as to be usually employed as tutors to their master’s children. [[Epictetus]], [[Terence]], and [[Phaedrus]], were slaves. But they were of the race of whites. It is not their condition then, but nature, which has produced the distinction. ** Query XIV, pp. 149, 151–152 * I advance it therefore as a suspicion only, that the blacks, whether originally a distinct race, or made distinct by time and circumstances, are inferior to the whites in the endowments both of body and mind. It is not against experience to suppose, that different species of the same genus, or varieties of the same species, may posses different qualifications. Will not a lover of natural history then, one who views the gradations in all the races of animals with the eye of philosophy, excuse an effort to keep those in the department of man as distinct as nature has formed them? This unfortunate difference of colour, and perhaps of faculty, is a powerful obstacle to the emancipation of these people. ** Query XIV, pp. 153–154 * '''The legitimate powers of government extend to such acts only as are injurious to others. But it does me no injury for my neighbour to say there are twenty gods, or no god. It neither picks my pocket nor breaks my leg.''' ** Query XVII, p. 169 * '''Was the government to prescribe to us our medicine and diet, our bodies would be in such keeping as our souls are now'''. Thus in France the emetic was once forbidden as a medicine, and the potatoe as an article of food. ** Query XVII, pp. 169–170 * Difference of opinion is advantageous in religion. The several sects perform the office of a Censor morum over each other. Is uniformity attainable? '''Millions of innocent men, women, and children, since the introduction of Christianity, have been burnt, tortured, fined, imprisoned; yet we have not advanced one inch towards uniformity. What has been the effect of coercion? To make one half the world fools, and the other half hypocrites. To support roguery and error all over the earth.''' Let us reflect that it is inhabited by a thousand millions of people. That these profess probably a thousand different systems of religion. That ours is but one of that thousand. That if there be but one right, and ours that one, we should wish to see the 999 wandering sects gathered into the fold of truth. But against such a majority we cannot effect this by force. Reason and persuasion are the only practicable instruments. To make way for these, free enquiry must be indulged; and how can we wish others to indulge it while we refuse it ourselves? ** Query XVII, pp. 170–171 * For in a warm climate, no man will labour for himself who can make another labour for him. This is so true, that of the proprietors of slaves a very small proportion indeed are even seen to labour. And can the liberties of a nation be thought secure when we have removed their only firm basis, a conviction in the minds of the people that these liberties are of the gift of God? That they are not to be violated but with his wrath? Indeed I tremble for my country when I reflect that God is just: that his justice cannot sleep for ever: that considering numbers, nature and natural means only, a revolution of the wheel of fortune, an exchange of situation, is among possible events: that it may become probable by supernatural interference! The Almighty has no attribute which can take side with us in such a contest. ... I think a change already perceptible, since the origin of the present revolution. The spirit of the master is abating, that of the slave rising from the dust, his condition mollifying, the way I hope preparing, under the auspices of heaven, for a total emancipation, and that this is disposed, in the order of events, to be with the consent of the masters, rather than by their extirpation. ** Query XVIII, pp. 173–174; for more quotes from this document see: '''''[[Notes on the State of Virginia]]''''' (1781-1785) ==== Letter to the Marquis de Chastellux (1785) ==== : <small>[http://books.google.com.ph/books?id=iSeWGTYsFcsC&pg=PA137 Letter to the Marquis de Chastellux (7 June 1785)]</small> * I believe the Indian then to be in body and mind equal to the white man. ==== Letter to Richard Price (1785) ==== : <small>[https://founders.archives.gov/documents/Jefferson/01-08-02-0280 Letter to Richard Price, 7 August 1785] from Paris, France (7 August 1785).</small> * Your favor of July 2. came duly to hand. The concern you therein express as to the effect of your pamphlet in America, induces me to trouble you with some observations on that subject. ** [[Benjamin Wade]] speech about Jefferson's letter about Price's work ''Observations on the Importance of the American Revolution'' as quoted in the Congressional Record, 1854, pp. 312-313[https://books.google.com/books?id=1CZBnpnwzToC&pg=PA312] * Northward of the Chesapeak you may find here and there an opponent to your doctrine as you may find here and there a robber and a murderer, but in no greater number. In that part of America, there being but few slaves, they can easily disencumber themselves of them, and emancipation is put into such a train that in a few years there will be no slaves Northward of Maryland. In Maryland I do not find such a disposition to begin the redress of this enormity as in Virginia. This is the next state to which we may turn our eyes for the interesting spectacle of justice in conflict with avarice and oppression: a conflict wherein the sacred side is gaining daily recruits from the influx into office of young men grown and growing up. These have sucked in the principles of liberty as it were with their mother’s milk, and it is to them I look with anxiety to turn the fate of this question. ** Wade, ibid. ==== Letter to Peter Carr (1785) ==== : <small>[http://www.yale.edu/lawweb/avalon/jefflett/let31.htm Letter to his nephew Peter Carr] from Paris, France (19 August 1785).</small> * '''As to the species of exercise, I advise the gun.''' While this gives a moderate exercise to the body, it gives boldness, enterprise, and independence to the mind. Games played with the ball, and others of that nature, are too violent for the body, and stamp no character on the mind. Let your gun therefore be the constant companion of your walks. Never think of taking a book with you. * The object of walking is to relax the mind. You should therefore not permit yourself even to think while you walk; but divert your attention by the objects surrounding you. Walking is the best possible exercise. Habituate yourself to walk very far. The Europeans value themselves on having subdued the horse to the uses of man; but I doubt whether we have not lost more than we have gained, by the use of this animal. No one has occasioned so much, the degeneracy of the human body. An Indian goes on foot nearly as far in a day, for a long journey, as an enfeebled white does on his horse; and he will tire the best horses. There is no habit you will value so much as that of walking far without fatigue. * '''He who permits himself to tell a lie once, finds it much easier to do it a second and third time, till at length it becomes habitual; he tells lies without attending to it, and truths without the world's believing him. This falsehood of tongue leads to that of the heart, and in time depraves all its good dispositions.''' ==== Letter to John Jay (1786) ==== : <small>[http://founders.archives.gov/documents/Jefferson/01-09-02-0315 Letter to John Jay] (28 March 1786), written with John Adams.</small> * We took the liberty to make some enquiries concerning the ground of their pretentions to make war upon nations who had done them no injury, and observed that we considered all mankind as our friends who had done us no wrong, nor had given us any provocation. * The Ambassador answered us that it was founded on the laws of their [[Mohammed|Prophet]]; that it was written in their [[Koran]]; that all nations who should not have acknowledged their authority were sinners; that it was their right and duty to make war upon them wherever they could be found, and to make slaves of all they could take as prisoners; and that every [[Muslim|Mussulman]] who was slain in battle was sure to go to Paradise. He said, also, that the man who was the first to board a vessel had one slave over and above his share, and that when they sprang to the deck of an enemy's ship, every sailor held a dagger in each hand and a third in his mouth; which usually struck such terror into the foe that they cried out for quarter at once. That it was a law that the first who boarded an Enemy’s Vessell should have one slave. ** Concerning an interview in London with the ambassador from Tripoli, Sidi Haji Abdul Rahman Adja. ==== Letter to Thomas Mann Randolph (1787) ==== : <small>[http://www.monticello.org/site/research-and-collections/spanish-language Letter to Thomas Mann Randolph (6 July 1787)]</small> * With respect to modern languages, French, as I have before observed, is indispensible. Next to this the Spanish is most important to an American. Our connection with Spain is already important and will become daily more so. Besides this the antient part of American history is written chiefly in Spanish. ==== Letter to Edward Rutledge (1787) ==== : <small>[http://alexpeak.com/twr/jefferson/#1784 Letter to Edward Rutledge (14 July 1787)]</small> * I congratulate you, my dear friend, on the law of your state for suspending the importation of slaves, and for the glory you have justly acquired by endeavoring to prevent it forever. This abomination must have an end, and there is a superior bench reserved in heaven for those who hasten it. ==== Letter to Peter Carr (1787) ==== [[File:Kramskoi Christ dans le désert.jpg|thumb|The moral sense, or conscience, is as much a part of man as his leg or arm. It is given to all human beings in a stronger or weaker degree, as force of members is given them in a greater or less degree. It may be strengthened by exercise, as may any particular limb of the body.]] [[File:Brocken-tanzawa2.JPG|thumb|I repeat, you must lay aside all prejudice on both sides, and neither believe nor reject anything, because any other persons, or description of persons, have rejected or believed it. Your own reason is the only oracle given you by heaven, and you are answerable, not for the rightness, but uprightness of the decision.]] : <small>[https://founders.archives.gov/documents/Jefferson/01-12-02-0021 Letter to his nephew Peter Carr] from Paris, France (10 August 1787). Published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&nbsp;York: G.&nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-05_Bk.pdf Vol.&nbsp;5], pp.&nbsp;324–327.</small> * '''He who made us would have been a pitiful bungler, if he had made the rules of our moral conduct a matter of science. For one man of science, there are thousands who are not. What would have become of them?''' Man was destined for society. His morality, therefore, was to be formed to this object. He was endowed with a sense of right and wrong, merely relative to this. * '''The moral sense, or conscience, is as much a part of man as his leg or arm. It is given to all human beings in a stronger or weaker degree, as force of members is given them in a greater or less degree. It may be strengthened by exercise, as may any particular limb of the body.''' This sense is submitted, indeed, in some degree, to the guidance of reason; but it is a small stock which is required for this: even a less one than what we call common sense. State a moral case to a ploughman and a professor. The former will decide it as well, and often better than the latter, because he has not been led astray by artificial rules. * Above all things, lose no occasion of exercising your dispositions to be grateful, to be generous, to be charitable, to be humane, to be true, just, firm, orderly, courageous, &c. Consider every act of this kind, as an exercise which will strengthen your moral faculties and increase your worth. * Your reason is now mature enough to examine this object [religion]. In the first place divest yourself of all bias in favour of novelty & singularity of opinion. Indulge them in any other subject rather than that of religion. It is too important, & the consequences of error may be too serious. On the other hand shake off all the fears & servile prejudices under which weak minds are servilely crouched. Fix reason firmly in her seat, and call to her tribunal every fact, every opinion. '''Question with boldness even the existence of a god; because, if there be one, he must more approve the homage of reason, than that of blindfolded fear.''' ** [http://memory.loc.gov/master/mss/mtj/mtj1/007/0900/0961.jpg Scan of the original page] at The Library of Congress. * You will naturally examine first, the religion of your own country. Read the Bible, then as you would read [[Livy]] or [[Tacitus]]. The facts which are within the ordinary course of nature, you will believe on the authority of the writer, as you do those of the same kind in Livy and Tacitus. The testimony of the writer weighs in their favor, in one scale, and their not being against the laws of nature, does not weigh against them. But those facts in the Bible which contradict the laws of nature, must be examined with more care, and under a variety of faces. Here you must recur to the pretensions of the writer to inspiration from God. Examine upon what evidence his pretensions are founded, and whether that evidence is so strong, as that its falsehood would be more improbable than a change in the laws of nature, in the case he relates. For example in the book of Joshua we are told the sun stood still several hours. Were we to read that fact in Livy or Tacitus we should class it with their showers of blood, speaking of statues, beasts, etc. '''But it is said that the writer of that book was inspired. Examine therefore candidly what evidence there is of his having been inspired. The pretension is entitled to your inquiry, because millions believe it.''' On the other hand you are astronomer enough to know how contrary it is to the law of nature that a body revolving on its axis as the earth does, should have stopped, should not by that sudden stoppage have prostrated animals, trees, buildings, and should after a certain time have resumed its revolution, & that without a second general prostration. Is this arrest of the earth's motion, or the evidence which affirms it, most within the law of probabilities? * '''You will next read the new testament. It is the history of a personage called [[Jesus]].''' Keep in your eye the opposite pretensions 1. of those who say he was begotten by God, born of a virgin, suspended & reversed the laws of nature at will, & ascended bodily into heaven: and 2. of those who say he was a man of illegitimate birth, of a benevolent heart, enthusiastic mind, who set out without pretensions to divinity, ended in believing them, & was Punished capitally for sedition by being gibbeted according to the Roman law which punished the first commission of that offence by whipping, & the second by exile or death in ''furcâ''. <!-- in furca? what? --> * '''Do not be frightened from this inquiry by any fear of its consequences. If it ends in a belief that there is no god, you will find incitements to virtue in the comfort and pleasantness you feel in its exercise, and the love of others which it will procure you.''' If you find reason to believe there is a God, a consciousness that you are acting under his eye, and that he approves you, will be a vast additional incitement; if that there be a future state, the hope of a happy existence in that increases the appetite to deserve it; if that Jesus was also a god, you will be comforted by a belief of his aid and love. * '''In fine, I repeat, you must lay aside all prejudice on both sides, and neither believe nor reject anything, because any other persons, or description of persons, have rejected or believed it. Your own reason is the only oracle given you by heaven, and you are answerable, not for the rightness, but uprightness of the decision.''' * '''When speaking of the new testament that you should read all the histories of Christ, as well of those whom a council of ecclesiastics have decided for us to be Pseudo-evangelists, as those they named Evangelists.''' Because these Pseudo-evangelists pretended to inspiration as much as the others, and you are to judge their pretensions by your own reason, & not by the reason of those ecclesiastics. Most of these are lost. There are some however still extant, collected by Fabricius which I will endeavor to get & send you. === 1790s === [[File:Gilbert Stuart Thomas Jefferson.jpg|thumb|I would rather be exposed to the inconveniences attending too much liberty, than those attending too small a degree of it.]] [[File:Constitution of the United States, page 1.jpg|thumb|In questions of power let no more be heard of confidence in man, but bind him down from mischief by the chains of the Constitution.]] [[File:Thomas Jefferson by Mather Brown.jpg|thumb|To preserve the freedom of the human mind then and freedom of the press, every spirit should be ready to devote itself to martyrdom; for as long as we may think as we will, and speak as we think, the condition of man will proceed in improvement.]] * The republican is the only form of government which is not eternally at open or secret war with the rights of mankind. ** Letter to William Hunter (11 March 1790) * '''We are not to expect to be translated from despotism to liberty in a featherbed.''' ** Letter to [[Gilbert du Motier, marquis de Lafayette]] (2 April 1790) * I learn with great satisfaction that you are about committing to the press the valuable historical and State papers you have been so long collecting. Time and accident are committing daily havoc on the originals deposited in our public offices. The late war has done the work of centuries in this business. The last cannot be recovered, but '''let us save what remains; not by vaults and locks which fence them from the public eye and use in consigning them to the waste of time, but by such a multiplication of copies, as shall place them beyond the reach of accident.''' ** Letter to a Mr. Hazard (18 February 1791) published in ''The Writings of Thomas Jefferson'' (1853), Vol. 2, edited by Henry Augustine Washington, p. 211 * '''I consider the foundation of the Constitution as laid on this ground: That "all powers not delegated to the United States, by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States or to the people." '''To take a single step beyond the boundaries thus specially drawn around the powers of Congress, is to take possession of a boundless field of power, no longer susceptible of any definition.<br> The incorporation of a bank, and the powers assumed by this bill, have not, in my opinion, been delegated to the United States, by the Constitution... They are not among the powers specially enumerated... ** [[s:Opinion against the Constitutionality of a National Bank|Opinion against the constitutionality of a National Bank]] (1791), also quoted in ''The Writings of Thomas Jefferson'' "Memorial Edition" (20 Vols., 1903-04) edited by [[w:Andrew A. Lipscomb|Andrew A. Lipscomb]] and Albert Ellery Bergh, Vol. 3, p. 146 * Timid men prefer the calm of despotism to the tempestuous sea of liberty. ** Letter to his Italian friend, Philip Mazzei (1796) * '''No body wishes more than I do to see such proofs as you exhibit, that nature has given to our black brethren, talents equal to those of the other colors of men''', and that the appearance of a want of them is owing merely to the degraded condition of their existence, both in Africa & America. I can add with truth, that no body wishes more ardently to see a good system commenced for raising the condition both of their body & mind to what it ought to be, as fast as the imbecility of their present existence, and other circumstances which cannot be neglected, will admit. ** [http://memory.loc.gov/cgi-bin/query/r?ammem/mtj:@field(DOCID+@lit(tj060149)) Letter to Benjamin Banneker (30 August 1791)], quoted in ''The Writings of Thomas Jefferson'' (1853), p. 291 * '''I would rather be exposed to the inconveniences attending too much liberty, than those attending too small a degree of it.''' ** Letter to Archibald Stuart [http://faculty.maxwell.syr.edu/skjolly/jeffersonianfederalism.pdf] [http://books.google.com/books?id=ZTIoAAAAYAAJ&pg=PA837#v=onepage&q=&f=false], Philadelphia (23 December 1791) * Let what will be said or done, preserve your ''sang-froid'' immovably, and to every obstacle, oppose patience, perseverance, and soothing language. ** Letter to William Short (18 March 1792) * '''Delay is preferable to error.''' ** Letter to [[George Washington]] (16 May 1792) * No government ought to be without censors; and where the press is free no one ever will. ** Letter to [[George Washington]] (9 September 1792) * The liberty of the whole earth was depending on the issue of the contest, and was ever such a prize won with so little innocent blood? My own affections have been deeply wounded by some of the martyrs to this cause, but rather than it should have failed, I would have seen half the earth desolated. Were there but an Adam & an Eve left in every country, & left free, it would be better than as it now is. ** Letter to William Short (January 3, 1793), quoted in Stanley Elkins and Eric McKitrick, ''The Age of Federalism'' (1995), pp. 316–317 * We confide in our strength, without boasting of it; we respect that of others, without fearing it. ** Letter to William Carmichael and William Short (1793) * One loves to possess arms, though they hope never to have occasion for them. ** Letter to [[George Washington]] (1796); published in ''The Writings of Thomas Jefferson'', 20 Vols.,<!-- Lipscomb and Bergh, editors, --> Washington, D.C., (1903-04), 9:341 * The second office of the government is honorable and easy, the first is but a splendid misery. ** Letter to [[w:Elbridge Gerry|Elbridge Gerry]] (13 May 1797) * It was by the sober sense of our citizens that we were safely and steadily conducted from monarchy to republicanism, and it is by the same agency alone we can be kept from falling back. ** Letter to Arthur Campbell (1797) * '''A little patience, and we shall see the reign of [[witches]] pass over, their spells dissolve, and the people, recovering their true sight, restore their government to its true principles.''' It is true that in the meantime we are suffering deeply in spirit, and incurring the horrors of a war and long oppressions of enormous [[public debt]]. If the game runs sometimes against us at home we must have patience till luck turns, and then we shall have an opportunity of winning back the principles we have lost, for this is a game where principles are at stake. ** From a letter to [[w:John Taylor (1770-1832)|John Taylor]] (June 1798), after the passage of the [[w:Alien and Sedition Acts|Alien and Sedition Acts]] * War is an instrument entirely inefficient toward redressing wrong; and multiplies, instead of indemnifying losses. ** Letter to John Sinclair (1798) * As pure a son of liberty as I have ever known. ** Statement about [[Tadeusz Kościuszko]], in a letter to Horatio Gates (1798) * '''I am for freedom of religion, & against all maneuvres to bring about a legal ascendancy of one sect over another''', for freedom of the press, and against all violations of the Constitution to silence by force and not by reason the complaints or criticisms, just or unjust, of our citizens against the conduct of their agents. ** [http://www.constitution.org/tj/jeff10.txt Letter to Elbridge Gerry] (26 January 1799); published in ''The Writings of Thomas Jefferson'', Memorial Edition <!-- (ME) (Lipscomb and Bergh, editors) --> 20 Vols., Washington, D.C., 1903-04, Volume 10, p. 78 * '''Commerce with all nations, alliance with none, should be our motto.''' ** [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/16783/16783-h/16783-h.htm#2H_4_0253| Letter to Thomas Lomax (12 March 1799)] * While the art of printing is left to us '''science can never be retrograde; what is once acquired of real knowlege can never be lost.''' ** [http://www.princeton.edu/~tjpapers/munford/munford.html Letter to William Green Mumford (18 June 1799)] * '''To preserve the freedom of the human mind then and freedom of the press, every spirit should be ready to devote itself to martyrdom; for as long as we may think as we will, and speak as we think, the condition of man will proceed in improvement.''' The generation which is going off the stage has deserved well of mankind for the struggles it has made, and for having arrested the course of despotism which had overwhelmed the world for thousands and thousands of years. If there seems to be danger that the ground they have gained will be lost again, that danger comes from the generation your contemporary. But that the enthusiasm which characterizes youth should lift its parricide hands against freedom and science would be such a monstrous phenomenon as I cannot place among possible things in this age and country. ** [http://www.princeton.edu/~tjpapers/munford/munford.html Letter to William Green Mumford (18 June 1799)] ==== [[w:Kentucky and Virginia Resolutions|Kentucky Resolutions of 1798]] ==== : <small>[[s:Kentucky Resolutions of 1798|The Kentucky Resolutions of 1798]] (10 November 1798), written secretly by Jefferson, against the [[w:Alien and Sedition Acts|Alien and Sedition Acts]]</small> * '''This commonwealth is determined, as it doubts not its co-states are, to submit to undelegated and consequently unlimited powers in no man, or body of men, on earth'''; that, if the acts before specified should stand, these conclusions would flow from them — that the general government may place any act they think proper on the list of crimes, and punish it themselves, whether enumerated or not enumerated by the Constitution as cognizable by them; that they may transfer its cognizance to the President, or any other person, who may himself be the accuser, counsel, judge, and jury, whose suspicions may be the evidence, his order the sentence, his officer the executioner, and his breast the sole record of the transaction; that a very numerous and valuable description of the inhabitants of these states, being, by this precedent, reduced, as outlaws, to absolute dominion of one man, and the barriers of the Constitution thus swept from us all, no rampart now remains against the passions and the power of a majority of Congress, to protect from a like exportation, or other grievous punishment, the minority of the same body, the legislatures, judges, governors, and counsellors of the states, nor their other '''peaceable inhabitants, who may venture to reclaim the constitutional rights and liberties of the states and people, or who for other causes, good or bad, may be obnoxious to the view, or marked by the suspicions, of the President, or be thought dangerous to his or their elections, or other interests, public or personal; that the friendless alien has been selected as the safest subject of a first experiment; but the citizen will soon follow, or rather has already followed; for already has a Sedition Act marked him as a prey''': That these and successive acts of the same character, unless arrested on the threshold, may tend to drive these states into revolution and blood, and will furnish new calumnies against republican governments, and new pretexts for those who wish it to be believed that man cannot be governed but by a rod of iron; that '''it would be a [[dangerous]] [[delusion]] were a [[confidence]] in the men of our [[choice]] to [[silence]] our [[fears]] for the [[safety]] of our [[rights]]; that confidence is every where the parent of [[despotism]]; [[free]] [[government]] is founded in [[jealousy]], and not in confidence; it is jealousy, and not confidence, which prescribes limited constitutions to bind down those whom we are [[obliged]] to [[trust]] with [[power]]; that [[United States Constitution|our Constitution]] has accordingly fixed the limits to which, and no farther, our confidence may go'''; and let the [[honest]] advocate of confidence read the [[w:Alien and Sedition Acts|Alien and Sedition Acts]], and say if the Constitution has not been [[wise]] in fixing limits to the government it created, and whether we should be wise in [[destroying]] those limits; let him say what the government is, if it be not a [[tyranny]], which the men of our choice have conferred on [[President of the United States|the President]], and the President of our choice has assented to and accepted, over the [[friendly]] [[strangers]], to whom the mild [[spirit]] of [[United States|our country]] and its [[laws]] had pledged [[hospitality]] and [[protection]]; that the men of our choice have more [[respected]] the bare [[suspicions]] of the President than the solid rights of [[innocence]], the claims of justification, the [[sacred]] [[force]] of [[truth]], and the forms and [[substance]] of law and [[justice]]. <br> '''In questions of power, then, let no more be said of confidence in man, but bind him down from [[mischief]] by the chains of the Constitution.''' ** Resolution 9 === 1800s === [[File:Jefferson statue Rotunda University of Virginia.jpg|thumb|I have sworn upon the altar of god eternal hostility against every form of tyranny over the mind of man.]] [[File:As08-16-2593.jpg|thumb|The [[happiness]] of [[mankind]] is best promoted by the useful pursuits of peace.]] [[File:Priestley Riots painting.jpg|thumb| What an effort, my dear sir, of bigotry in politics and religion have we gone through! The barbarians really flattered themselves they should be able to bring back the times of Vandalism...]] [[File:ThomasJeffersonByRobertField.jpg|thumb|If we do not learn to sacrifice small differences of opinion, we can never act together. Every man cannot have his way in all things. If his own opinion prevails at some times, he should acquiesce on seeing that of others preponderate at others. Without this mutual disposition we are disjointed individuals, but not a society.]] [[File:Andrew Johnson impeachment trial.jpg|thumb|The greatest good we can do our country is to heal it’s party divisions & make them one people. I do not speak of their leaders who are incurable, but of the honest and well-intentioned body of the people.]] [[File:Jefferson Memorial (cropped).jpg|thumb|The care of human life and happiness, and not their destruction, is the first and only legitimate object of good government.]] * When the clergy addressed General Washington on his departure from the government, it was observed in their consultation that he had never on any occasion said a word to the public which showed a belief in the Christian religion and they thought they should so pen their address as to force him at length to declare publicly whether he was a Christian or not. They did so. However [Dr.&nbsp;Rush] observed the old fox was too cunning for them. He answered every article of their address particularly except that, which he passed over without notice. Rush observes he never did say a word on the subject in any of his public papers except in his valedictory letter to the Governors of the states when he resigned his commission in the army, wherein he speaks of the benign influence of the Christian religion. I know that Gouverneur Morris, who pretended to be in his secrets & believed himself to be so, has often told me that General Washington believed no more of that system than he himself did. ** The ''Anas'' (February 1, 1800). Published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&nbsp;York: G.&nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-01_Bk.pdf Vol.&nbsp;1], pp.&nbsp;352–353 * The returning good sense of our country threatens abortion to their hopes, & '''they believe that any portion of power confided to me, will be exerted in opposition to their schemes. And they believe rightly'''; for '''I have sworn upon the altar of god eternal hostility against every form of tyranny over the mind of man.''' But this is all they have to fear from me: and enough, too, in their opinion. ** On members of the clergy who sought to establish some form of "official" Christianity in the U.S. government. Letter to Dr. Benjamin Rush (23 September 1800) ** This has commonly been quoted as "'''I have sworn upon the altar of God Eternal, hostility against every form of tyranny over the mind of man'''", '''"I have sworn upon the altar of God eternal hostility against every form of tyranny over the mind of man"''', and "'''I have sworn upon the altar of God, eternal hostility against every form of tyranny over the mind of man.'''" Neither capitalization of "god" and "eternal", nor a comma before or after "eternal" are apparent in the original. [http://memory.loc.gov/master/mss/mtj/mtj1/022/0400/0440.jpg Photograph of the original manuscript at the Library of Congress] - [http://memory.loc.gov/cgi-bin/query/r?ammem/mtj:@field(DOCID+@lit(tj090069)) LOC transcription] <!-- NOTE : though this transcription has a comma between god and eternal in there is no comma apparent in the photograph and where grammar might best place it remains ambiguous. --> ** The first portion of this statement has also been widely paraphrased as "The clergy believe that any power confided in me will be exerted in opposition to their schemes, and they believe rightly". * I am not afraid to appeal to the nation at large, to posterity, and still less to that Being Who sees Himself our motives, Who will judge us from His own knowledge of them. ** ''Writings'' (1904), Vol. XI, p. 44, to Abigail Adams on July 22, 1804. * Believing that '''the happiness of mankind is best promoted by the useful pursuits of peace''', that on these alone a stable prosperity can be founded, that the evils of war are great in their endurance, and have a long reckoning for ages to come, I have used my best endeavors to keep our country uncommitted in the troubles which afflict Europe, and which assail us on every side. ** Letter to the Young Republicans of Pittsburg (December 2, 1808); H. A. Washington, ed., ''The Writings of Thomas Jefferson'', vol. 8, p. 142 (1871). Source: Library of Congress (February 18, 2010): [https://books.google.de/books?id=91IFAYFhtOMC&pg=PA162&lpg=PA162&dq=Thomas+Jefferson+The+happiness+of+mankind+is+best+promoted+by+the+useful+pursuits+of+peace.&source=bl&ots=pji6w9TkIk&sig=ACfU3U3XP12ggXMNkavR_5LT5TUSgZEQ-w&hl=de&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwiUk7TKlZj Respectfully Quoted: A Dictionary of Quotations, page 162]. Published by ‎Dover Publications. ==== First Inaugural Address (1801) ==== [[File:Scene_at_the_Signing_of_the_Constitution_of_the_United_States.jpg|thumb|All, too, will bear in mind this sacred principle, that though the will of the majority is in all cases to prevail, that will to be rightful must be reasonable; that the minority possess their equal rights, which equal law must protect, and to violate would be oppression.]] [[File:Anger during a protest by David Shankbone.jpg|thumb|Every difference of opinion is not a difference of principle.]] [[File:Tjefferson.jpeg|thumb|Error of opinion may be tolerated where reason is left free to combat it.]] : <small>[[s:Thomas Jefferson's First Inaugural Address|Thomas Jefferson's First Inaugural Address]] (4 March 1801)</small> * '''All, too, will bear in mind this sacred principle, that though the will of the majority is in all cases to prevail, that will to be rightful must be reasonable; that the minority possess their equal rights, which equal law must protect, and to violate would be oppression.''' Let us, then, fellow-citizens, unite with one heart and one mind. Let us restore to social intercourse that harmony and affection without which liberty and even life itself are but dreary things. * '''Every difference of opinion is not a difference of principle.''' We have called by different names brethren of the same principle. We are all [[w:Democratic-Republican Party|Republicans]], we are all [[w:Federalist Party|Federalists]]. * If there be any among us who would wish to dissolve this Union or to change its republican form, let them stand undisturbed as monuments of the safety with which '''error of opinion may be tolerated where reason is left free to combat it.''' * I know, indeed, that some honest men fear that a republican government can not be strong, that this Government is not strong enough; but would the honest patriot, in the full tide of successful experiment, abandon a government which has so far kept us free and firm on the theoretic and visionary fear that [[Abraham Lincoln#Second_State_of_the_Union_address_(1862)|this Government, the world's best hope]], may by possibility want energy to preserve itself? I trust not. * Sometimes it is said that man can not be trusted with the government of himself. '''Can he, then, be trusted with the government of others? Or have we found angels in the forms of kings to govern him? Let history answer this question.''' * With all these blessings, what more is necessary to make us a happy and prosperous people? Still one thing more, fellow-citizens,—'''A wise and frugal Government, which shall restrain men from injuring one another, shall leave them otherwise free to regulate their own pursuits of industry and improvement, and shall not take from the mouth of labor the bread it has earned. This is the sum of good government''', and this is necessary to close the circle of our felicities. * About to enter, fellow-citizens, on the exercise of duties which comprehend everything dear and valuable to you, it is proper you should understand what I deem the essential principles of our Government, and consequently those which ought to shape its Administration. I will compress them within the narrowest compass they will bear, stating the general principle, but not all its limitations. '''Equal and exact justice to all men, of whatever state or persuasion, religious or political; peace, commerce, and honest friendship with all nations, entangling alliances with none; the support of the State governments in all their rights, as the most competent administrations for our domestic concerns and the surest bulwarks against antirepublican tendencies; the preservation of the General Government in its whole constitutional vigor, as the sheet anchor of our peace at home and safety abroad; a jealous care of the right of election by the people -- a mild and safe corrective of abuses which are lopped by the sword of revolution where peaceable remedies are unprovided; absolute acquiescence in the decisions of the majority, the vital principle of republics, from which is no appeal but to force, the vital principle and immediate parent of despotism; a well-disciplined militia, our best reliance in peace and for the first moments of war till regulars may relieve them; the supremacy of the civil over the military authority; economy in the public expense, that labor may be lightly burthened; the honest payment of our debts and sacred preservation of the public faith; encouragement of agriculture, and of commerce as its handmaid; the diffusion of information and arraignment of all abuses at the bar of the public reason; freedom of religion; freedom of the press, and freedom of person under the protection of the ''habeas corpus'', and trial by juries impartially selected. These principles''' form the bright constellation which has gone before us and guided our steps through an age of revolution and reformation. The wisdom of our sages and blood of our heroes have been devoted to their attainment. They''' should be the creed of our political faith, the text of civic instruction, the touchstone by which to try the services of those we trust; and should we wander from them in moments of error or of alarm, let us hasten to retrace our steps and to regain the road which alone leads to peace, liberty, and safety.''' * I repair, then, fellow-citizens, to the post you have assigned me. With experience enough in subordinate offices to have seen the difficulties of this the greatest of all, '''I have learnt to expect that it will rarely fall to the lot of imperfect man to retire from this station with the reputation and the favor which bring him into it.''' * I shall often go wrong through defect of judgment. When right, I shall often be thought wrong by those whose positions will not command a view of the whole ground. '''I ask your indulgence for my own errors, which will never be intentional, and your support against the errors of others, who may condemn what they would not if seen in all its parts'''. * I advance with obedience to the work, '''ready to retire from it whenever you become sensible how much better choice it is in your power to make'''. ==== First Presidential Administration (1801&ndash;1805) ==== * '''Yours is one of the few lives precious to mankind, and for the continuance of which every thinking man is solicitous. Bigots may be an exception.''' What an effort, my dear sir, of bigotry in politics and religion have we gone through! The barbarians really flattered themselves they should be able to bring back the times of Vandalism, when ignorance put everything into the hands of power and priestcraft. All advances in science were proscribed as innovations. They pretended to praise and encourage education, but it was to be the education of our ancestors. '''We were to look backwards, not forwards, for improvement ... This was the real ground of all the attacks on you.''' Those who live by mystery & ''charlatanerie'', fearing you would render them useless by simplifying the Christian philosophy — the most sublime and benevolent, but most perverted system that ever shone on man — endeavored to crush your well-earned & well-deserved fame. ** [http://eText.Lib.Virginia.edu/etcbin/toccer-new2?id=JefLett.sgm&images=images/modeng&data=/texts/english/modeng/parsed&tag=public&part=136&division=div1 Letter] to Dr. [[Joseph Priestley]] (21 March 1801); published in ''The Life of Thomas Jefferson'' (1871) by Henry Stephens Randall, Vol. 2, p. 644; this seems to be the source of a misleading abbreviation: "[Christianity is] the most ... perverted system that ever shone on man". * It is rare that the public sentiment decides immorally or unwisely, and the individual who differs from it ought to distrust and examine well his own opinion. ** Letter to William Findley, Washington (21 March 1801); published in ''Thomas Jefferson - A chronology of his thoughts'' (2002) by Jerry Holmes, [http://books.google.de/books?id=iOHNKGJGo94C&pg=PA175&lpg=PA175&dq=It+is+rare+that+the+public+sentiment+decides+immorally+or+unwisely,+and+the+individual+who+differs+from+it+ought+to+distrust+and+examine+well+his+own+opinion&source=bl&ots=lUHnglNeTO&sig=OfEnoz8qmlxJq-5jIEvC8dD1hOk&hl=de&sa=X&ei=V_zAUPqeCsjGtAaZ-YGYDQ&ved=0CEMQ6AEwAzgK#v=onepage&q=It%20is%20rare%20that%20the%20public%20sentiment%20decides%20immorally%20or%20unwisely%2C%20and%20the%20individual%20who%20differs%20from%20it%20ought%20to%20distrust%20and%20examine%20well%20his%20own%20opinion&f=false p. 175] * Of the various executive abilities, no one excited more anxious concern than that of placing the interests of our fellow-citizens in the hands of honest men, with understanding sufficient for their stations. No duty is at the same time more difficult to fulfil. The knowledge of character possessed by a single individual is of necessity limited. To seek out the best through the whole Union, we must resort to the information which from the best of men, acting disinterestedly and with the purest motives, is sometimes incorrect. ** Letter to Elias Shipman and others of New Haven (12 July 1801). Paraphrased in John B. McMaster, ''History of the People of the United States'' (ii. 586): "One sentence will undoubtedly be remembered till our republic ceases to exist. 'No duty the Executive had to perform was so trying,' [Jefferson] observed, 'as to put the right man in the right place.'" * '''If a due participation of office is a matter of right, how are vacancies to be obtained? Those by death are few; by resignation, none.''' ** Letter to Elias Shipman and others of New Haven (12 July 1801). Often misquoted as, "few die and none resign". * I am sorry the person recommended has not been agreeable to all the republicans, but I am more concerned to see in this disapprobation a germ of division which, if not smothered, will continue you under that rule from which union is relieving our fellow citizens in other states. It is disheartening to see, on the approaching crisis of election, a division of that description of Republicans, which has certainly no strength to spare. But, my dear friend, '''if we do not learn to sacrifice small differences of opinion, we can never act together. Every man cannot have his way in all things. If his own opinion prevails at some times, he should acquiesce on seeing that of others preponderate at others. Without this mutual disposition we are disjointed individuals, but not a society.''' My position is painful enough between federalists who cry out on the first touch of their monopoly, and republicans who clamor for universal removal. A subdivision of the latter will increase the perplexity. I am proceeding with deliberation and inquiry to do what I think just to both descriptions and conciliatory to both. '''The greatest good we can do our country is to heal it’s party divisions & make them one people. I do not speak of their leaders who are incurable, but of the honest and well-intentioned body of the people.''' I consider the pure [[w:Federalist Party|federalist]] as a republican who would prefer a somewhat stronger executive; and the [[w:Democratic-Republican Party|republican]] as one more willing to trust the legislature as a broader representation of the people, and a safer deposit of power for many reasons. But both sects are republican, entitled to the confidence of their fellow citizens. Not so their quondam leaders, covering under the mask of federalism hearts devoted to monarchy. The [[w:Alexander Hamilton|Hamiltonians]], the [http://www.monticello.org/mulberry-row/people/essex Essex-men], the revolutionary [[w:Loyalist (American Revolution)|tories]] &c. They have a right to tolerance, but neither to confidence nor power. It is very important that the pure federalist and republican should see in the opinion of each other but a shade of his own, which by a union of action will be lessened by one-half: that they should see & fear the monarchist as their common enemy, on whom they should keep their eyes, but keep off their hands. ** [[w:Thomas Jefferson|Thomas Jefferson]], letter to [[w:John Dickinson (politician)|John Dickinson]] (23 July 1801), published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&nbsp;York: G.&nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://files.libertyfund.org/files/757/0054-09_Bk.pdf Vol.&nbsp;9], pp.&nbsp;280-282. * The [[w:1800 United States Census|new Census]] shews our increase to be in the geometrical ratio of 3 1/6 pr. cent annually which gives a duplication in 22 y— 3 m equal to the most sanguine of our calculations. '''We are already about the 7th. of the Christian nations in population''', but holding a higher place in substantial abilities. If we can keep at peace for our time the next generation will have nothing to fear but from their '''own''' want of moderation in the use of their strength. ** Letter to [[w:Gouverneur Morris|Gouverneur Morris]] (Washington, 1 Nov. 1801)[http://books.google.com/books?ei=QCErUJm8Isa40QGxpYGQDw&id=g40TAQAAMAAJ&dq=%22moderation+in+the+use+of+their+strength%22+%22prc%22&q=+%22gouverneur+morris+1+november%22#search_anchor]. In ''The Papers of Thomas Jefferson, Volume 35: 1 August to 30 November 1801'', Barbara B. Oberg, ed., [[w:Princeton University Press|Princeton]], 2008, {{ISBN|0691137730}} {{ISBN|9780691137735}}, p. 545. [http://books.google.com/books?id=g40TAQAAMAAJ&q=%22we+are+already+about+the+7th.+of+the+Christian+nations+in+population%22&dq=%22we+are+already+about+the+7th.+of+the+Christian+nations+in+population%22&source=bl&ots=l-3X05AYj4&sig=5A2f5Vb2jWfHIp_u-GWCr57V3Wk&hl=en&sa=X&ei=xBorUKeTD4Sa8gTI14Eo&ved=0CDcQ6AEwAQ]<br>Editor's notes at bottom of letter: PrC (DLC); at foot of text: ''"Gouverneur Morris esq." 1 Word underlined''. [PrC=press copy; DLC= Library of Congress. ''See'' "EDITORIAL METHOD AND APPARATUS", sec. 3, "Descriptive Symbols," xvi-xvii[http://books.google.com/books?ei=QCErUJm8Isa40QGxpYGQDw&id=g40TAQAAMAAJ&dq=%22moderation+in+the+use+of+their+strength%22+%22prc%22&q=%22editorial+method+and+apparatus%22#search_anchor] Editor notes that "All manuscripts of the above types are assumed to be in the hand of the author of the document to which the descriptive symbol pertains."). In manuscript to G. Morris, Jefferson underlined the word ''own.''] [http://books.google.com/books?id=g40TAQAAMAAJ&q=%22moderation+in+the+use+of+their+strength%22+%22prc%22&dq=%22moderation+in+the+use+of+their+strength%22+%22prc%22&source=bl&ots=l-3X05B3f4&sig=zI61eSTLmF8oS_39uH_czY69CEo&hl=en&sa=X&ei=QCErUJm8Isa40QGxpYGQDw&ved=0CC8Q6AEwAA] * Considering the general tendency to multiply offices and dependencies and to increase expense to the ultimate term of burden which the citizen can bear, it behooves us to avail ourselves of every occasion which presents itself for taking off the surcharge; that it never may be seen here that, after leaving to labor the smallest portion of its earnings on which it can subsist, Government shall itself consume the whole residue of what it was instituted to guard. ** [[s:Thomas Jefferson's First State of the Union Address|Thomas Jefferson's First State of the Union Address]] (8 December 1801) * I can not omit recommending a revisal of the laws on the subject of naturalization. Considering the ordinary chances of human life, a denial of citizenship under a residence of 14 years is a denial to a great proportion of those who ask it, and controls a policy pursued from their 1st settlement by many of these States, and still believed of consequence to their prosperity; and shall we refuse to the unhappy fugitives from distress that hospitality which the savages of the wilderness extended to our fathers arriving in this land? Shall oppressed humanity find no asylum on this globe? The Constitution indeed has wisely provided that for admission to certain offices of important trust a residence shall be required sufficient to develop character and design. But might not the general character and capabilities of a citizen be safely communicated to everyone manifesting a bona fide purpose of embarking his life and fortunes permanently with us, with restrictions, perhaps, to guard against the fraudulent usurpation of our flag, an abuse which brings so much embarrassment and loss on the genuine citizen and so much danger to the nation of being involved in war that no endeavor should be spared to detect and suppress it? ** [[s:Thomas Jefferson's First State of the Union Address|Thomas Jefferson's First State of the Union Address]] (8 December 1801) * They have retired into the Judiciary as a stronghold. There the remains of federalism are to be preserved and fed from the Treasury; and from that battery all the works of republicanism are to be beaten down and erased. ** Letter to J. Dickinson (19 December 1801) * Believing with you that religion is a matter which lies solely between man and his God, that he owes account to none other for his faith or his worship, that the legislative powers of government reach actions only, and not opinions, I contemplate with sovereign reverence that act of the whole American people which declared that their legislature should ''"make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof,"'' thus '''building a wall of separation between church and State'''. ** Letter to Danbury Baptist Association, CT. (1 January 1802) This statement is the origin of the often used phrase ''"separation of Church and State"''. * If we can but prevent the government from wasting the labors of the people, under the pretense of taking care of them, they must become happy. ** [https://founders.archives.gov/documents/Jefferson/01-39-02-0070 Letter to Thomas Cooper (29 November 1802)] * '''To the corruptions of Christianity I am indeed opposed; but not to the genuine precepts of [[Jesus]] himself.''' I am a Christian, in the only sense he wished any one to be; sincerely attached to his doctrines, in preference to all others; ascribing to himself every human excellence; & believing he never claimed any other. ** [https://founders.archives.gov/documents/Jefferson/01-40-02-0178-0001 Letter to Benjamin Rush (12 April 1803)] * '''His parentage was obscure; his condition poor; his education null; his natural endowments great; his life correct and innocent: he was meek, benevolent, patient, firm, disinterested, & of the sublimest eloquence.'''<br>The disadvantages under which his doctrines appear are remarkable.<br>1. Like [[Socrates]] & [[Epictetus]], he wrote nothing himself.<br>2. But he had not, like them, a [[w:Xenophon|Xenophon]] or an [[w:Arrian|Arrian]] to write for him. On the contrary, all the learned of his country, entrenched in its power and riches, were opposed to him, lest his labors should undermine their advantages; and the committing to writing his life & doctrines fell on the most unlettered & ignorant men; who wrote, too, from memory, & not till long after the transactions had passed.<br>3. According to the ordinary fate of those who attempt to enlighten and reform mankind, he fell an early victim to the jealousy & combination of the altar and the throne, at about 33. years of age, his reason having not yet attained the maximum of its energy, nor the course of his preaching, which was but of 3. years at most, presented occasions for developing a complete system of morals.<br>4. Hence the doctrines which he really delivered were defective as a whole, and fragments only of what he did deliver have come to us mutilated, misstated, & often unintelligible.<br>5. They have been still more disfigured by the corruptions of schismatising followers, who have found an interest in sophisticating & perverting the simple doctrines he taught by engrafting on them the mysticisms of a Grecian sophist, frittering them into subtleties, & obscuring them with jargon, until they have caused good men to reject the whole in disgust, & to view Jesus himself as an impostor.<br>Notwithstanding these disadvantages, a system of morals is presented to us, which, if filled up in the true style and spirit of the rich fragments he left us, would be the most perfect and sublime that has ever been taught by man.<br>The question of his being a member of the Godhead, or in direct communication with it, claimed for him by some of his followers, and denied by others, is foreign to the present view, which is merely an estimate of the intrinsic merit of his doctrines.<br>1. He corrected the Deism of the Jews, confirming them in their belief of one only God, and giving them juster notions of his attributes and government.<br>2. His moral doctrines, relating to kindred & friends, were more pure & perfect than those of the most correct of the philosophers, and greatly more so than those of the Jews; and they went far beyond both in inculcating universal philanthropy, not only to kindred and friends, to neighbors and countrymen, but to all mankind, gathering all into one family, under the bonds of love, charity, peace, common wants and common aids. A development of this head will evince the peculiar superiority of the system of Jesus over all others.<br>3. The precepts of philosophy, & of the Hebrew code, laid hold of actions only. He pushed his scrutinies into the heart of man; erected his tribunal in the region of his thoughts, and purified the waters at the fountain head.<br>4. He taught, emphatically, the doctrines of a future state, which was either doubted, or disbelieved by the Jews; and wielded it with efficacy, as an important incentive, supplementary to the other motives to moral conduct. ** [http://www.positiveatheism.org/hist/jeff1122.htm "Syllabus of an Estimate of the Merit of the Doctrines of Jesus, Compared with Those of Others" in a letter to Benjamin Rush (12 April 1803)]. Published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&nbsp;York: G.&nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-09_Bk.pdf Vol.&nbsp;9 ''Works'' Vol. 9 (PDF)], pp.&nbsp;462 * I never will, by any word or act, bow to the shrine of intolerance, or admit a right of inquiry into the religious opinions of others. ** Letter to [[w:Edward Dowse|Edward Dowse]] (19 April 1803) * '''There is no act, however virtuous, for which ingenuity may not find some bad motive.''' ** Letter to Edward Dowse (19 April 1803) * The inhabitants of the ceded territory shall be incorporated in the Union of the United States, and admitted as soon as possible, according to the principles of the Federal constitution, to the enjoyment of all the rights, advantages, and immunities, of citizens of the United States; and, in the mean time, they shall be maintained and protected in the free enjoyment of their liberty, property, and the religion which they profess. ** Louisiana Treaty of Cession, Art. III (30 April 1803) * The Constitution has made no provision for our holding foreign territory, still less for incorporating foreign nations into our Union. The Executive, in seizing the fugitive occurrence which so much advances the good of their country, have done an act beyond the Constitution. The Legislature, in casting behind them metaphysical subtleties and risking themselves like faithful servants, must ratify and pay for it, and throw themselves on their country for doing for them unauthorized what we know they would have done for themselves had they been in a situation to do it. ** On the Louisiana Purchase, Letter to John Breckinridge (12 August 1803) * Louisiana, as ceded by France to the United States, is made a part of the United States; its white inhabitants shall be citizens, and stand, as to their rights and obligations, on the same footing with other citizens of the United States, in analogous situations. ** Draft of proposed Amendment to the Constitution by Jefferson, who thought an amendment would be necessary to authorize the Louisiana Purchase to be incorporated into the United States (August 1803) * I observe an idea of establishing a branch bank of the United States in New Orleans. This institution is one of the most deadly hostility existing against the principles and form of our Constitution. The nation is at this time so strong and united in its sentiments that it cannot be shaken at this moment. But suppose a series of untoward events should occur sufficient to bring into doubt the competency of a republican government to meet a crisis of great danger, or to unhinge the confidence of the people in the public functionaries; an institution like this, penetrating by its branches every part of the union, acting by command and in phalanx may, in a critical moment, upset the government. I deem no government safe which is under the vassalage of any self-constituted authorities, or any other authority than that of the nation or its regular functionaries. What an obstruction could not this Bank of the United States, with al its branch banks, be in time of war! It might dictate to us the peace we should accept, or withdraw its aids. Ought we then to give further growth to an institution so powerful, so hostile? ** [http://etext.virginia.edu/jefferson/biog/lj34.htm Letter to Albert Gallatin (13 December 1803)] ME 10:437 : ''The Writings of Thomas Jefferson'' "Memorial Edition" (20 Vols., 1903-04) edited by [[w:Andrew A. Lipscomb|Andrew A. Lipscomb]] and Albert Ellery Bergh, Vol. 10, p. 437 * I see too many proofs of the imperfection of human reason, to entertain wonder or intolerance at any difference of opinion on any subject; and acquiesce in that difference as easily as on a difference of feature or form; '''experience''' having long '''taught me the reasonableness of mutual sacrifices of opinion among those who are to act together for any common object, and the expediency of doing what good we can, when we cannot do all we would wish.''' ** Letter to [[w:John Randolph of Roanoke|John Randolph]] (1 December 1803), published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&nbsp;York: G.&nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://files.libertyfund.org/files/806/0054-10_Bk.pdf Vol.&nbsp;109], pp.&nbsp;54 * No experiment can be more interesting than that we are now trying, and which we trust will end in establishing the fact, that '''man may be governed by reason and truth. Our first object should therefore be, to leave open to him all the avenues to truth. The most effectual hitherto found, is the freedom of the press. It is, therefore, the first shut up by those who fear the investigation of their actions.''' ** [http://www.constitution.org/tj/jeff11.txt Letter to Judge John Tyler] (June 28, 1804); in: ''The Writings of Thomas Jefferson'', Memorial Edition (ME) (Lipscomb and Bergh, editors), 20 Vols., Washington, D.C., 1903-04, Volume 11, page 33 * You seem to think it devolved on the judges to decide on the validity of the sedition law. but nothing in the constitution has given them a right to decide for the executive, more than to the Executive to decide for them. Both magistracies are equally independant in the sphere of action assigned to them. The judges, believing the law constitutional, had a right to pass a sentence of fine and imprisonment; because that power was placed in their hands by the constitution. But the Executive, believing the law to be unconstitutional, was bound to remit the execution of it; because that power has been confided to him by the constitution '''That instrument(The Constitution) meant that its coordinate branches should be checks on each other. But the opinion which gives to the judges the right to decide what laws are constitutional and what not, not only for themselves in their own sphere of action but for the Legislature and Executive also in their spheres, would make the Judiciary a despotic branch.''' ** Letter to [[Abigail Adams]] about the Sedition Acts (1804) [https://founders.archives.gov/documents/Jefferson/99-01-02-0348] ==== Second Inaugural Address (1805) ==== : <small>[[s:Thomas Jefferson's Second Inaugural Address|Thomas Jefferson's Second Inaugural Address]] (4 March 1805)</small> * We are firmly convinced, and we act on that conviction, that with nations, as with individuals, our interests, soundly calculated, will ever be found inseparable from our moral duties; and history bears witness to the fact that a just nation is taken on its word, when recourse is had to armaments and wars to bridle others. * These contributions [federal taxes on consumption of foreign goods] enable us to support the current expenses of the Government, to fulfill contracts with foreign nations, to extinguish the native right of soil within our limits, to extend those limits, and to apply such a surplus to our [[public debts]] as places at a short day their final redemption, and that redemption [of debt] once effected," he said, "the revenue thereby liberated may, by a just repartition among the States and a corresponding amendment of the Constitution, be applied, ''in time of peace'', to rivers, canals, roads, arts, manufactures, education, and other great objects within each State. ''In time of war'',—if injustice, by ourselves or others, must sometimes produce war,— increased as the same revenue will be increased by population and consumption, and aided by other resources reserved for that crisis, it may meet within the year all the expenses of the year without encroaching on the rights of future generations by burdening them with the debts of the past. War will then be but a suspension of useful works, and a return to a state of peace a return to the progress of improvement. ** Advising the origination of an annual fund from surplus revenue. ==== Second Presidential Administration (1805-1809) ==== [[File:Harriet Tubman Civil War Woodcut.jpg|thumb|For a people who are free, and who mean to remain so, a well organized and armed militia is their best security.]] [[File:Captive Slave.jpg|thumb|I congratulate you, fellow citizens, on the approach of the period at which you may interpose your authority constitutionally to withdraw the citizens of the United States from all further participation in [[Slavery|those violations of human rights]] which have been so long continued on the unoffending inhabitants of Africa, and which the morality, the reputation, and the best of our country have long been eager to proscribe.]] [[File:Motto frederick douglass 2.jpg|thumb|Nobody wishes more than I do to see such proofs as you exhibit, that nature has given to [[w:African American|our black brethren]], talents equal to those of the other colors of men.]] [[File:Unidentified Artist - Frederick Douglass - Google Art Project-restore.png|thumb|Be assured that no person living wishes more sincerely than I do, to see a complete refutation of the doubts I have myself entertained and expressed on the grade of understanding allotted to [[w:African American|them]] by nature, and to find that in this respect [[w:African American|they]] are on a par with ourselves.]] [[File:GodfreyKneller-IsaacNewton-1689.jpg|thumb|But whatever be [[w:African American|their]] degree of talent it is no measure of [[w:African American|their]] rights. Because Sir Isaac Newton was superior to others in understanding, he was not therefore lord of the person or property of others.]] [[File:Frederick Douglas NYHS c1866.jpg|thumb|On this subject they are gaining daily in the opinions of nations, and hopeful advances are making towards their reestablishment on an equal footing with the other colors of the human family.]] * The question therefore now comes forward, To what other objects shall these surpluses be appropriated, and the whole surplus of impost, after the entire discharge of the [[public debt]], and during those intervals when the purposes of war shall not call for them? Shall we suppress the impost and give that advantage to foreign over domestic manufactures? On a few articles of more general and necessary use the suppression in due season will doubtless be right, but the great mass of the articles on which impost is paid are foreign luxuries, purchased by those only who are rich enough to afford themselves the use of them. <br> Their patriotism would certainly prefer its continuance and application to the great purposes of the public education, roads, rivers, canals, and such other objects of public improvement as it may be thought proper to add to the constitutional enumeration of Federal powers. By these operations new channels of communications will be opened between the States, the lines of separation will disappear, their interests will be identified, and their union cemented by new and indissoluble ties. Education is here placed among the articles of public care, not that it would be proposed to take its ordinary branches out of the hands of private enterprise, which manages so much better all the concerns to which it is equal, but a public institution can alone supply those sciences which though rarely called for are yet necessary to complete the circle, all the parts of which contribute to the improvement of the country and some of them to its preservation. ** [[s:Thomas Jefferson's Sixth State of the Union Address|Thomas Jefferson's Sixth State of the Union Address]] (2 December 1806). Advising the origination of an annual fund to be spent through new constitutional powers (by new amendments) from projected surplus revenue. * '''I congratulate you, fellow citizens, on the approach of the period at which you may interpose your authority constitutionally to withdraw the citizens of the United States from all further participation in [[Slavery|those violations of human rights]] which have been so long continued on the un-offending inhabitants of Africa, and which the morality, the reputation, and the best of our country have long been eager to proscribe.''' Although no law you may pass can take prohibitory effect until the first day of the year 1808, yet the intervening period is not too long to prevent by timely notice expeditions which can not be completed before that day. ** [[s:Thomas Jefferson's Sixth State of the Union Address|Thomas Jefferson's Sixth State of the Union Address]] (2 December 1806) * Whensoever hostile aggressions...require a resort to war, we must meet our duty and convince the world that we are just friends and brave enemies. ** Letter to [[Andrew Jackson]] (3 December 1806) * Agreeably to the request of the House of Representatives, communicated in their resolution of the 16th instant, I proceed to state under the reserve therein expressed, information received touching an illegal combination of private individuals against the peace and safety of the Union, and a military expedition planned by them against the territories of a power in amity with the United States, with the measures I have pursued for suppressing the same.... : But by information received yesterday I learn that on the 22d of December, Mr. Burr descended the Cumberland with two boats merely of accommodation, carrying with him from that State no quota toward his unlawful enterprise. Whether after the arrival of the proclamation, of the orders, or of our agent, any exertion which could be made by that State, or the orders of the governor of Kentucky for calling out the militia at the mouth of Cumberland, would be in time to arrest these boats, and those from the falls of the Ohio, is still doubtful. :* Special Message to Congress on the Burr Conspiracy, declaring his former Vice President an illegal conspirator and a fugitive from justice (22 January 1807) * Blest is that nation whose silent course of happiness furnishes nothing for history to say. ** Letter to Count Diodati (29 March 1807) * we have heard as yet only the proceedings of the first day of Burr’s trial, which from the favor of the Marshal and judge promises him all which can depend on them. A grand jury of two federalists, four (Tertium) Quids and ten republicans does not seem to be a fair representation of the state of Virginia. But all this will shew the original error of establishing a judiciary independant of the nation, and which, from the citadel of the law can turn it’s guns on those they were meant to defend, and controul and fashion their proceedings to it’s own will. I have always entertained a high opinion of the Marshal’s integrity and political correctness. But, in a state where there are not more than eight Quids, how five of them should have been summoned on one jury is difficult to explain from accident. ** Letter to John W. Eppes (28 May 1807) [https://founders.archives.gov/documents/Jefferson/99-01-02-5646] * To your request of my opinion of the manner in which a newspaper should be conducted, so as to be most useful, I should answer, "by restraining it to true facts & sound principles only." Yet I fear such a paper would find few subscribers. '''It is a melancholy truth, that a suppression of the press could not more completely deprive the nation of its benefits, than is done by its abandoned prostitution to falsehood. Nothing can now be believed which is seen in a newspaper. Truth itself becomes suspicious by being put into that polluted vehicle. The real extent of this state of misinformation is known only to those who are in situations to confront facts within their knowledge with the lies of the day.''' . . . I will add, that the man who never looks into a newspaper is better informed than he who reads them; inasmuch as he who knows nothing is nearer to truth than he whose mind is filled with falsehoods & errors. He who reads nothing will still learn the great facts, and the details are all false. ** Letter to [[w:John Norvell|John Norvell]] (11 June 1807). [https://www.loc.gov/resource/mtj1.038_0592_0594/?sp=2&st=text Original and transcript] * After long and fruitless endeavors to effect the purposes of their mission and to obtain arrangements within the limits of their instructions, they concluded to sign such as could be obtained and to send them for consideration, candidly declaring to the other negotiators at the same time that they were acting against their instructions, and that their Government, therefore, could not be pledged for ratification.... <br> Whether a regular army is to be raised, and to what extent, must depend on the information so shortly expected. In the mean time I have called on the States for quotas of militia, to be in readiness for present defense, and have, moreover, encouraged the acceptance of volunteers; and I am happy to inform you that these have offered themselves with great alacrity in every part of the Union. They are ordered to be organized and ready at a moment's warning to proceed on any service to which they may be called, and every preparation within the Executive powers has been made to insure us the benefit of early exertions. ** [[s:Thomas Jefferson's Seventh State of the Union Address|Thomas Jefferson's Seventh State of the Union Address]] (27 October 1807). Description of the negotiations and rejected treaty of James Monroe and William Pinkney with Britain over maritime rights, and subsequent negotiations over the British sinking of the American ship ''Chesapeake'', leading to an American embargo (The Embargo Act). * Yours of July 27 is received. It confirms the accounts we receive from others that the infractions of the embargo in Maine and Massachusetts are open. I have removed Pope, of New Bedford, for worse than negligence. The collector of Sullivan is on the totter. The Tories of Boston openly threaten insurrection if their importation of flour is stopped. The next post will stop it. I fear your Governor [Sullivan] is not up to the tone of these parricides, and I hope on the first symptom of an open opposition of the law by force you will fly to the scene, and aid in suppressing any commotion. ** Letter to General Henry Dearborn, Secretary of War (August 9, 1808) in regards to enforcing the American embargo. * '''For a people who are free, and who mean to remain so, a well organized and armed militia is their best security.''' ** [[s:Thomas Jefferson's Eighth State of the Union Address|Thomas Jefferson's Eighth State of the Union Address]] (8 November 1808) * Our opinion here is that that place has been so deeply concerned in smuggling, that if it wants it is because it has illegally sent away what it ought to have retained for its own consumption. ** Letter to Lieutenant Governor Levi Lincoln of Massachusetts (November 13, 1808) concerning a petition from the island of Nantucket for food during the American embargo. * My religious reading has long been confined to the moral branch of religion, which is the same in all religions; while in that branch which consists of dogmas, all differ[.] ** Letter to [[w:Thomas Leiper|Thomas Leiper]] (11 January 1809). Published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&nbsp;York: G.&nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-11_Bk.pdf Vol.&nbsp;11], pp.&nbsp;89 * I thought Congress had taken their ground firmly for continuing their embargo till June, and then war. But a sudden and unaccountable revolution of opinion took place the last week, chiefly among the New England and New York members, and in a kind of panic they voted the 4th of March for removing the embargo, and by such a majority as gave all reason to believe they would not agree either to war or non-intercourse. This, too, was after we had become satisfied that the Essex Junto had found their expectation desperate, of inducing the people there either to separation or forcible opposition. The majority of Congress, however, has now rallied to the removing the embargo on the 4th March, non-intercourse with France and Great Britain, trade everywhere else, and continuing war preparations. The further details are not yet settled, but I believe it is perfectly certain that the embargo will be taken off the 4th of March. ** Letter to his son-in-law Thomas Mann Randolph (7 February 1809) on the termination of the American embargo. * I shall within a few days divest myself of the anxieties and the labors with which I have been oppressed, and retire with inexpressible delight to my family, my friends, my farms, and books. There I may indulge at length in that tranquillity and those pursuits from which I have been divorced by the character of the times in which I have lived, and which have forced me into the line of political life under a sense of duty and against a great and constant aversion to it. ** Letter to David Baillie Warden (25 February 1809) * I have received the favor of your letter of August 17th, and with it the volume you were so kind as to send me on the ''Literature of Negroes''. Be assured that no person living wishes more sincerely than I do, to see a complete refutation of the doubts I have myself entertained and expressed on the grade of understanding allotted to them by nature, and to find that in this respect they are on a par with ourselves. My doubts were the result of personal observation on the limited sphere of my own State, where the opportunities for the development of their genius were not favorable, and those of exercising it still less so. I expressed them therefore with great hesitation; but '''whatever be [[w:African American|their]] degree of talent it is no measure of [[w:African American|their]] rights. Because Sir [[Isaac Newton]] was superior to others in understanding, he was not therefore lord of the person or property of others. On this subject [[w:African American|they]] are gaining daily in the opinions of nations, and hopeful advances are making towards their reestablishment on an equal footing with the other colors of the human family'''. I pray you therefore to accept my thanks for the many instances you have enabled me to observe of respectable intelligence in that race of men, which cannot fail to have effect in hastening the day of their relief; [...]. ** [http://memory.loc.gov/cgi-bin/query/r?ammem/mtj:@field(DOCID+@lit(tj110052)) Letter to Henri Grégoire] (25 February 1809), as quoted in ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes. Federal Edition''. Collected and Edited by Paul Leicester Ford. Also quoted in ''The Science and Politics of Racial Research'' by William H. Tucker (1994), p. 11 ==== Post-Presidency (1809) ==== * I am convinced our own happiness requires that we should continue to mix with the world, and to keep pace with it as it goes; and that every person who retires from free communication with it is severely punished afterwards by the state of mind into which he gets, and which can only be prevented by feeding our sociable principles. I can speak from experience on this subject. From 1793 to 1797 I remained closely at home, saw none but those who came there, and at length became very sensible of the ill effect it had on my own mind, and of its direct and irresistible tendency to render me unfit for society and uneasy when necessarily engaged in it. I felt enough of the effect of withdrawing from the world then to see that it led to an anti-social and misanthropic state of mind, which severely punishes him who gives in to it; and it will be a lesson I never shall forget as to myself. ** Letter to Maria Jefferson Eppes (8 March 1809) * If, in my retirement to the humble station of a private citizen, I am accompanied with the esteem and approbation of my fellow citizens, trophies obtained by the bloodstained steel, or the tattered flags of the tented field, will never be envied. '''The care of human life and happiness, and not their destruction, is the first and only legitimate object of good government.''' ** [https://www.bartleby.com/73/778.html Letter to the Republican Citizens of Washington County, Maryland (31 March 1809), published in ''The Writings of Thomas Jefferson'' (1871), edited by H. A. Washington, Vol. 8, p. 165] * I have often thought that nothing would do more extensive good at small expense than the establishment of a small circulating library in every county, to consist of a few well-chosen books, to be lent to the people of the country under regulations as would secure their safe return in due time. ** Letter to John Wyche (19 May 1809) * '''Nothing was or is farther from my intentions, than to enlist myself as the champion of a fixed opinion, where I have only expressed doubt.''' ** Letter to [[Joel Barlow]] (8 October 1809); Jefferson here expresses an aversion to supporting the "fixed opinion" that blacks were not equal to whites in general mental capacities, which he asserts in his ''Notes on the State of Virginia'' he had advanced as "a suspicion only". * It has always been denied by the republican party in this country, that the Constitution had given the power of incorporation to Congress. On the establishment of the Bank of the United States, this was the great ground on which that establishment was combated; and the party prevailing supported it only on the argument of its being an incident to the power given them for raising money. ** Letter to Dr. Maese (1809) ME 12:231 : ''The Writings of Thomas Jefferson'' "Memorial Edition" (20 Vols., 1903-04) edited by [[w:Andrew A. Lipscomb|Andrew A. Lipscomb]] and Albert Ellery Bergh, Vol. 12, p. 231; also quoted at [http://etext.virginia.edu/jefferson/quotations/jeff1325.htm "Thomas Jefferson on Politics & Government : Money & Banking" at University of Virginia] * The selfish spirit of commerce knows no country, and feels no passion or principle but that of gain. ** Letter to Larkin Smith (1809) * In a democratic republic, where the mass of the people of all parties have the same interest at stake, some respect must be had to the feelings and wishes of the minority, especially when that minority is large and clamorous; otherwise, it will be impossible to avoid discord, and discord weakens the bonds of union. ** Account of a conversation with Col. Richard M. Johnson in 1809, as recounted in ''A Biographical Sketch of Col. Richard M. Johnson of Kentucky,'' p.12 (Saxton & Miles, New York, 1843) === 1810s === [[File:Empyrean Light and Shadows of Salvation.jpg|thumb|He who steadily observes the moral precepts in which all religions concur, will never be questioned at the gates of heaven as to the dogmas in which they all differ.]] [[File:Epicurus-PergamonMuseum.png|thumb|I consider the genuine (not the imputed) doctrines of [[Epicurus]] as containing everything rational in moral philosophy which Greece and Rome have left us.]] [[File:Castle Romeo.jpg|thumb|Not in our day, but at no distant one, we may shake a rod over the heads of all, which may make the stoutest of them tremble. But I hope our wisdom will grow with our power, and teach us, that the less we use our power, the greater it will be.]] [[File:Diagram of the Federal Government and American Union edit.jpg|thumb|No government can be maintained without the principle of fear as well as of duty. Good men will obey the last, but bad ones the former only.]] [[File:ThomasJeffersonbySully1821.jpg|thumb|If a nation expects to be ignorant and free, in a state of civilization, it expects what never was and never will be.]] [[File:Jefferson's Works - Project Gutenberg eText 16781.jpg|thumb|The functionaries of every government have propensities to command at will the liberty and property of their constituents. There is no safe deposit for these but with the people themselves, nor can they be safe with them without information. Where the press is free, and every man able to read, all is safe.]] [[File:Jefferson Bible.jpg|thumb|It is a document in [[proof]] that I am a real [[Christian]], that is to say, a disciple of the [[doctrines]] of [[Jesus]], very different from the Platonists, who call me infidel and themselves Christians and preachers of the gospel, while they draw all their characteristic [[dogmas]] from what its author never said nor saw.]] [[File:Jefferson statue at Monticello.jpg|thumb|Although we are free by the law, we are not so in practice.]] [[File:Jeffersonstatue.jpg|thumb|It is to be hoped that individual dispositions will at length mould themselves to the model of the law, and consider the moral basis, on which all our religions rest, as the rallying point which unites them in a common interest; while the peculiar dogmas branching from it are the exclusive concern of the respective sects embracing them, and no rightful subject of notice to any other.]] * That we are overdone with banking institutions which have banished the precious metals and substituted a more fluctuating and unsafe medium, that these have withdrawn capital from useful improvements and employments to nourish idleness, that the wars of the world have swollen our commerce beyond the wholesome limits of exchanging our own productions for our own wants, and that, for the emolument of a small proportion of our society who prefer these demoralizing pursuits to labors useful to the whole, the peace of the whole is endangered and all our present difficulties produced, are evils more easily to be deplored than remedied. ** Letter to Abbe Salimankis (1810) ME 12:379 ''The Writings of Thomas Jefferson'' "Memorial Edition" (20 Vols., 1903-04) edited by [[w:Andrew A. Lipscomb|Andrew A. Lipscomb]] and Albert Ellery Bergh, Vol. 12, p. 379; also quoted at [http://etext.virginia.edu/jefferson/quotations/jeff1325.htm "Thomas Jefferson on Politics & Government: Money & Banking" at University of Virginia] * Knowing that religion does not furnish grosser bigots than law, I expect little from old judges. ** Letter to Thomas Cooper (1810) * Our laws, language, religion, politics, & manners are so deeply laid in English foundations, that we shall never cease to consider their history as a part of ours, and to study ours in that as it’s origin. ** [https://founders.archives.gov/documents/Jefferson/03-03-02-0001-0002 Letter to William Duane] (August 12, 1810) * Politics, like religion, hold up the torches of martyrdom to the reformers of error. ** Letter to James Ogilvie (4 August 1811) * But though an old man, I am but a young gardener. ** Letter to Charles Willson Peale (20 August 1811) * The acquisition of Canada this year, as far as the neighborhood of Quebec, will be a mere matter of marching, and will give us experience for the attack of Halifax the next, and the final expulsion of England from the American continent. ** Statement during an early stage of the [[w:War of 1812|War of 1812]], in a letter to William Duane (4 August 1812) * <!-- Dear Sir,—Your favors of the 7th and 16th are received, and --> I now return you the memoir <!-- enclosed in the former. --> ... I am much gratified by its communication, because, as the plan appeared in the newspapers soon after the new Secretary of War came into office, we had given him the credit of it. '''Every line of it is replete with wisdom'''; and we might lament that our tardy enlistments prevented its execution, were we not to reflect that these proceeded from the happiness of our people at home. '''It is more a subject of joy that we have so few of the desperate characters which compose modern regular armies. But it proves more forcibly the necessity of obliging every citizen to be a soldier; this was the case with the Greeks and Romans, and must be that of every free State.''' Where there is no oppression there will be no pauper hirelings. We must train and classify the whole of our male citizens, and make military instruction a regular part of collegiate education. We can never be safe till this is done. ** Referring to the importance of well trained militia amidst the populations of the states and their preferability to standing armies, in a letter to [[James Monroe]] (19 June 1813), published [https://founders.archives.gov/documents/Jefferson/03-06-02-0188 Thomas Jefferson to James Monroe, 19 June 1813]; though most publications of the letter since the 1830s usually provide a date of 18 June 1813, the [http://memory.loc.gov/master/mss/mtj/mtj1/046/0800/0894.jpg actual manuscript seems to distinctly read "June 19 '13"]; a portion of this statement is sometimes paraphrased: "Every citizen should be a soldier." * '''He who steadily observes the moral precepts in which all religions concur, will never be questioned at the gates of heaven as to the dogmas in which they all differ.''' ** Letter to William Canby (18 September 1813) * '''Of all the systems of morality, ancient or modern, which have come under my observation, none appear to me so pure as that of Jesus. He who follows this steadily need not, I think, be uneasy, although he cannot comprehend the subtleties and mysteries erected on his doctrines by those who, calling themselves his special followers and favorites, would make him come into the world to lay snares for all understandings but theirs.''' These metaphysical heads, usurping the judgment seat of God, denounce as his enemies all who cannot perceive the Geometrical logic of [[Euclid]] in the demonstrations of St. [[w:Athanasius|Athanasius]], that three are one, and one is three; and yet that the one is not three nor the three one. ** Letter to William Canby (18 September 1813) * '''I agree with you that there is a natural aristocracy among men. The grounds of this are virtue and talents...''' The natural aristocracy I consider as the most precious gift of nature, for the instruction, the trusts, and government of society... Every one, by his property, or by his satisfactory situation, is interested in the support of law and order. And such men may safely and advantageously reserve to themselves a wholesome control over their public affairs, and a degree of freedom, which, in the hands of the ''canaille'' [the masses] of the cities of Europe, would be instantly perverted to the demolition and destruction of everything public and private. ** Letter to John Adams (28 October 1813) * [I]f ever there was a holy war, it was that which saved our liberties and gave us independence. ** Letter to John W. Eppes (6 November 1813). Reported in Albert Ellery Bergh, ''The Writings of Thomas Jefferson'' (1907), p. 430 * I like well your idea of issuing treasury notes bearing interest, because I am persuaded they would soon be withdrawn from circulation and locked up in vaults & private hoards. It would put it in the power of every man to lend his 100. or 1000 d. tho’ not able to go forward on the great scale, and be the most advantageous way of obtaining a loan. The other idea of creating a National bank, I do not concur in, because it seems now decided that Congress has not that power, (altho’ I sincerely wish they had it exclusively) and because I think there is already a vast redundancy, rather than a scarcity of paper medium. ** [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/Vol11/0054-11_Pt07_1813.html#hd_lf054-11_head_125 Letter to Thomas Law (6 November 1813)] FE 9:433 : ''The Writings of Thomas Jefferson'' (10 Vols., 1892-99) edited by [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]] * History, I believe, furnishes no example of a priest-ridden people maintaining a free civil government. This marks the lowest grade of ignorance of which their civil as well as religious leaders will always avail themselves for their own purposes. ** Letter to [[Alexander von Humboldt]] (6 December 1813) ** [http://memory.loc.gov/cgi-bin/ampage?collId=mtj1&fileName=mtj1page047.db&recNum=74&itemLink=/ammem/mtjhtml/mtjser1.html&linkText=7 Scanned letter at The Library of Congress] ** [http://memory.loc.gov/cgi-bin/query/r?ammem/mtj:@field(DOCID+@lit(tj110127)) Transcript at The Library of Congress] * '''Religion is a subject on which I have ever been most scrupulously reserved. I have considered it as a matter between every man and his Maker in which no other, and far less the public, had a right to intermeddle.''' ** Letter to [[w:Richard Rush|Richard Rush]] (1813) * I deplore with you the putrid state into which our newspapers have passed, and the malignity, the vulgarity, & mendacious spirit of those who write for them: and I enclose you a recent sample, the production of a New England judge, as a proof of the abyss of degradation into which we are fallen. These ordures are rapidly depraving the public taste and lessening its relish for sound food. As vehicles of information and a curb on our functionaries, they have rendered themselves useless by forfeiting all title to belief. That this has in a great degree been produced by the violence and malignity of party spirit I agree with you... ** [https://founders.archives.gov/documents/Jefferson/03-07-02-0052 Letter to Walter Jones (2 January 1814)]. * '''A man has a right to use a saw, an axe, a plane, separately; may he not combine their uses on the same piece of wood? He has a right to use his knife to cut his meat, a fork to hold it; may a patentee take from him the right to combine their use on the same subject?''' Such a law, instead of enlarging our conveniences, as was intended, would most fearfully abridge them, and crowd us by monopolies out of the use of the things we have. ** Letter to Oliver Evans (16 January 1814); published in ''The Writings of Thomas Jefferson'' (1905) Vol. 13, p. 66 * The whole history of these books is so defective and doubtful that it seems vain to attempt minute enquiry into it: and such tricks have been played with their text, and with the texts of other books relating to them, that we have a right, from that cause, to entertain much doubt what parts of them are genuine. '''In the New Testament there is internal evidence that parts of it have proceeded from an extraordinary man; and that other parts are of the fabric of very inferior minds. It is as easy to separate those parts, as to pick out diamonds from dunghills.''' ** Letter to [[John Adams]], on Christian scriptures (24 January 1814) *'''We might as well say that the Newtonian system of philosophy is a part of the common law, as that the Christian religion is. The truth is that Christianity and Newtonianism being reason and verity itself''', in the opinion of all but infidels and Cartesians, they are protected under the wings of the common law from the dominion of other sects, but not erected into dominion over them. **[http://www.let.rug.nl/usa/presidents/thomas-jefferson/letters-of-thomas-jefferson/jefl227.php To Dr. Thomas Cooper Monticello], February 10, 1814 * '''Merchants have no country. The mere spot they stand on does not constitute so strong an attachment as that from which they draw their gains.''' In every country and in every age, the priest has been hostile to liberty. He is always in alliance with the despot, abetting his abuses in return for protection to his own. It is easier to acquire them, and to effect this, they have perverted the best religion ever preached to man into mystery and jargon, unintelligible to all mankind, and therefore the safer engine for their purposes. With the lawyers it is a new thing. They have, in the mother country, been generally the primest supporters of the free principles of their constitution. But there, too, they have changed. ** Letter to Horatio G. Spafford (17 March 1814) * Some have made the ''love of God'' the foundation of morality. This, too, is but a branch of our moral duties, which are generally divided into duties to God and duties to man. If we did a good act merely from the love of God and a belief that it is pleasing to Him, whence arises the morality of the Atheist? It is idle to say, as some do, that no such being exists. We have the same evidence of the fact as of most of those we act on, to-wit: their own affirmations, and their reasonings in support of them. I have observed, indeed, generally, that while in protestant countries the defections from the Platonic Christianity of the priests is to Deism, in catholic countries they are to Atheism. Diderot, D'Alembert, D'Holbach, Condorcet, are known to have been among the most virtuous of men. Their virtue, then, must have had some other foundation than the love of God. ** Letter to Thomas Law (13 June 1814) * Self-interest, or rather self-love, or ''egoism'', has been more plausibly substituted as the basis of morality. But I consider our relations with others as constituting the boundaries of morality. With ourselves, we stand on the ground of identity, not of relation, which last, requiring two subjects, excludes self-love confined to a single one. '''To ourselves, in strict language, we can owe no duties, obligation requiring also two parties. Self-love, therefore, is no part of morality. Indeed, it is exactly its counterpart.''' ** Letter to Thomas Law (13 June 1814) * The Christian priesthood, finding the doctrines of Christ levelled to every understanding, and too plain to need explanation, saw in the mysticism of Plato, materials with which they might build up an artificial system, which might, from its indistinctness, admit everlasting controversy, give employment for their order, and introduce it to profit, power and pre-eminence. The doctrines which flowed from the lips of Jesus himself are within the comprehension of a child ; but thousands of volumes have not yet explained the Platonisms engrafted on them; and for this obvious reason, that nonsense can never be explained. ** Letter to [[w:John Adams|John Adams]] (5 July 1814). Published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&nbsp;York: G.&nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-11_Bk.pdf Vol.&nbsp;11], pp.&nbsp;397–398 * [...] Congress itself can punish Alexandria, by repealing the law which made it a town, by discontinuing it as a port of entry or clearance, and perhaps by suppressing it’s banks. But I expect all will go off with impunity. If our government ever fails, it will be from this weakness. '''No government can be maintained without the principle of fear as well as of duty. Good men will obey the last, but bad ones the former only.''' ** Letter to [[w:John Wayles Eppes|John Wayles Eppes]] (9 September 1814). Published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&nbsp;York: G.&nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://files.libertyfund.org/files/807/0054-11_Bk.pdf Vol.&nbsp;11], pp.&nbsp;425-426 * '''Our particular principles of religion are a subject of accountability to our god alone.''' I enquire after no man's and trouble none with mine; nor is it given to us in this life to know whether yours or mine, our friend's or our foe's, are exactly the right. ** Letter to Miles King (26 September 1814) * '''I agree ... that a professorship of Theology should have no place in our institution. But we cannot always do what is absolutely best.''' Those with whom we act, entertaining different views, have the power and the right of carrying them into practice. '''Truth advances, and error recedes step by step only; and to do to our fellow men the most good in our power, we must lead where we can, follow where we cannot, and still go with them, watching always the favorable moment for helping them to another step.''' ** Comment on establishing the University of Virginia, in a letter to Thomas Cooper (7 October 1814); published in [http://books.google.com/books?id=jrSgJGp-B64C&pg=RA1-PA200&dq=%22A+professorship+of+theology+should+have+no+place+in+our+institution%22&ei=u65FR562EpqCpwLkk9XxBg ''The Writings of Thomas Jefferson'' (1905) edited by Andrew Adgate Lipscomb and Albert Ellery Bergh, Vol VII, p. 200] * '''I am really mortified to be told that, ''in the United States of America'', a fact like this can become a subject of inquiry, and of criminal inquiry too, as an offence against religion; that a question about the sale of a book can be carried before the civil magistrate.''' Is this then our freedom of religion? and are we to have a censor whose imprimatur shall say what books may be sold, and what we may buy? And who is thus to dogmatize religious opinions for our citizens? '''Whose foot is to be the measure to which ours are all to be cut or stretched? Is a priest to be our inquisitor, or shall a layman, simple as ourselves, set up his reason as the rule for what we are to read, and what we must believe? It is an insult to our citizens to question whether they are rational beings or not, and blasphemy against religion to suppose it cannot stand the test of truth and reason.''' ** Letter to Nicolas Gouin Dufief, Philadelphia bookseller (1814) who had been prosecuted for selling the book ''Sur la Création du Monde, un Systême d'Organisation Primitive'' by M. de Becourt, which Jefferson himself had purchased. * I cannot live without books. ** Letter to John Adams (10 June 1815) * We concur in considering the government of [[England]] as totally without morality, insolent beyond bearing, inflated with vanity and ambition, aiming at the exclusive dominion of the sea, lost in corruption, of deep-rooted hatred towards us, hostile to liberty wherever it endeavors to show its head, and the eternal disturber of the peace of the world. In our estimate of [[Napoleon Bonaparte|Bonaparte]], I suspect we differ. [...] [[w:Constitutional republic|Our form of governmen]]t is odious to him, as a standing contrast between republican and despotic rule; and as much from that hatred, as from ignorance in political economy, he had excluded intercourse between us and his people, by prohibiting the only articles they wanted from us, that is, cotton and tobacco. Whether [[w:American Revolutionary War|the war we have had with England, and the achievements of that war]], and the hope that we may become his instruments and partisans against that enemy, may induce him, in future, to tolerate our commercial intercourse with his people, is still to be seen. For my part, '''I wish that all nations may recover and retain their independence; that those which are overgrown may not advance beyond safe measures of power, that a salutary balance may be ever maintained among nations, and that our peace, commerce, and friendship, may be sought and cultivated by all.''' It is our business to manufacture for ourselves whatever we can, to keep our markets open for what we can spare or want; and the less we have to do with the amities or enmities of [[Europe]], the better. '''Not in our day, but at no distant one, we may shake a rod over the heads of all, which may make the stoutest of them tremble. But I hope our wisdom will grow with our power, and teach us, that the less we use our power, the greater it will be.''' ** [http://memory.loc.gov/cgi-bin/query/r?ammem/mtj:@field(DOCID+@lit(tj110158)) Letter to] [[w:Thomas Leiper|Thomas Leiper]] (12 June 1815). Published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&nbsp;York: G.&nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-11_Bk.pdf Vol.&nbsp;11], pp.&nbsp;477–478. ** The sentence "I hope our wisdom will grow with our power, and teach us, that the less we use our power, the greater it will be." was used by US-President [[Barack Obama]] in his [[w:A New Beginning|A New Beginning Speech]]. * The priests have so disfigured the simple religion of Jesus that no one who reads the sophistications they have engrafted on it, from the jargon of [[Plato]], of [[Aristotle]] & other mystics, would conceive these could have been fathered on the sublime preacher of the sermon on the mount. ** Letter to [[w:Benjamin Waterhouse|Benjamin Waterhouse]] (13 October 1815). Published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&nbsp;York: G.&nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-11_Bk.pdf Vol.&nbsp;11], p.&nbsp;492 * '''Like a dropsical man calling out for water, water, our deluded citizens are clamoring for more banks''', more banks. The American mind is now in that state of fever which the world has so often seen in the history of other nations. We are under the bank bubble, as England was under the [[w: South Sea Company|South Sea bubble]], France under the [[w: Mississippi Company#The_Mississippi_Bubble|Mississippi bubble]], and as every nation is liable to be, under whatever bubble, design, or delusion may puff up in moments when off their guard. '''We are now taught to believe that legerdemain tricks upon paper can produce as solid wealth as hard labor in the earth. It is vain for common sense to urge that nothing can produce nothing'''; that it is an idle dream to believe in a [[w:Philosopher's stone|philosopher’s stone]] which is to turn everything into gold, and to redeem man from the original sentence of his Maker, “[[s: Bible_(Wikisource)/Genesis#Chapter_3|in the sweat of his brow shall he eat his bread.]]” ** [http://oll.libertyfund.org/?option=com_staticxt&staticfile=show.php%3Ftitle=807&chapter=88152&layout=html&Itemid=27 Letter to Colonel Charles Yancey] (6 January 1816) ME 14:384 * When public opinion changes, it is with the rapidity of thought. ** [http://oll.libertyfund.org/?option=com_staticxt&staticfile=show.php%3Ftitle=807&chapter=88152&layout=html&Itemid=27 Letter to Colonel Charles Yancey] (6 January 1816) ME 14:384 * '''If a nation expects to be ignorant and free, in a state of civilization, it expects what never was and never will be. The functionaries of every government have propensities to command at will the liberty and property of their constituents. There is no safe deposit for these but with the people themselves; nor can they be safe with them without information. Where the press is free, and every man able to read, all is safe.''' ** [http://oll.libertyfund.org/?option=com_staticxt&staticfile=show.php%3Ftitle=807&chapter=88152&layout=html&Itemid=27 Letter to Colonel Charles Yancey] (6 January 1816) ME 14:384 * I, too, have made a wee-little book from the same materials, which I call the Philosophy of Jesus; it is a paradigma of his doctrines, made by cutting the texts out of the book, and arranging them on the pages of a blank book, in a certain order of time or subject. A more beautiful or precious morsel of ethics I have never seen; it is a document in proof that I am a real Christian, that is to say, a disciple of the doctrines of Jesus, very different from the Platonists, who call me infidel and themselves Christians and preachers of the gospel, while they draw all their characteristic dogmas from what its author never said nor saw. They have compounded from the heathen mysteries a system beyond the comprehension of man, of which the great reformer of the vicious ethics and deism of the Jews, were he to return on earth, would not recognize one feature. ** Letter to [[w:Charles Thomson|Charles Thomson]] (9 January 1816), on his ''[http://etext.lib.virginia.edu/etcbin/toccer-new2?id=JefJesu.sgm&images=images/modeng&data=/texts/english/modeng/parsed&tag=public&part=all The Life and Morals of Jesus of Nazareth]'' (the "[[w:Jefferson Bible|Jefferson Bible]]"), which omits all Biblical passages asserting Jesus' virgin birth, miracles, divinity, and resurrection. Published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&nbsp;York: G.&nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-11_Bk.pdf Vol.&nbsp;11], pp.&nbsp;498–499 * [T]hat to be independant for the comforts of life we must fabricate them ourselves. We must now place the manufacturer by the side of the agriculturist. The former question is suppressed; or rather assumes a new form: shall we make our own comforts, or go without them, at the will of a foreign nation? He therefore who is now against domestic manufacture must be for reducing us either to dependance on that foreign nation, or to be clothed in skins, & to live like wild beasts in dens & caverns. I am not one of these. Experience has taught me that manufactures are now as necessary to our independance as to our comfort: and if those who quote me as of a different opinion will keep pace with me in purchasing nothing foreign where an equivalent of domestic fabric can be obtained, without regard to difference of price, it will not be our fault if we do not soon have a supply at home equal to our demand, and wrest that weapon of distress from the hand which has wielded it. ** [https://founders.archives.gov/documents/Jefferson/03-09-02-0213 Letter to Benjamin Austin] (January 8, 1816) * The majority, oppressing an individual, is guilty of a crime, abuses its strength, and by acting on the law of the strongest breaks up the foundations of society. ** Letter to [https://founders.archives.gov/documents/Jefferson/03-09-02-0471 Éleuthère Irénée du Pont de Nemours] (24 April 1816) * '''Enlighten the people generally, and tyranny and oppressions of body and mind will vanish like evil spirits at the dawn of day.''' ** Letter to [[w:Eleuthère Irénée du Pont|Éleuthère Irénée du Pont de Nemours]] (24 April 1816) * '''The system of banking we have both equally and ever reprobated.''' I contemplate it as a blot left in all our Constitutions, which, if not covered, will end in their destruction, which is already hit by the gamblers in corruption, and is sweeping away in its progress the fortunes and morals of our citizens. '''Funding I consider as limited, rightfully, to a redemption of the debt within the lives of a majority of the generation contracting it'''; every generation coming equally, by the laws of the Creator of the world, to the free possession of the earth he made for their subsistence, unincumbered by their predecessors, who, like them, were but tenants for life. ** Letter to [[w:John Taylor (1770-1832)|John Taylor]] (28 May 1816) ME 15:18: ''The Writings of Thomas Jefferson'' "Memorial Edition" (20 Vols., 1903-04) edited by [[w:Andrew A. Lipscomb|Andrew A. Lipscomb]] and Albert Ellery Bergh, Vol. 15, p. 18 * '''We may say with truth and meaning that governments are more or less republican, as they have more or less of the element of popular election and control in their composition'''; and believing, as I do, that the mass of the citizens is the safest depository of their own rights, and especially, that the evils flowing from the duperies of the people are less injurious than those from the egoism of their agents, I am a friend to that composition of government which has in it the most of this ingredient. And '''I sincerely believe, with you, that banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies; and that the principle of spending money to be paid by posterity, under the name of funding, is but swindling futurity on a large scale.''' ** [http://www.britannica.com/presidents/article-9116907 Letter to John Taylor (28 May 1816) ME 15:23] * '''Our legislators are not sufficiently apprized of the rightful limits of their power; that their true office is to declare and enforce only our natural rights and duties, and to take none of them from us.''' No man has a natural right to commit aggression on the equal rights of another; and this is all from which the laws ought to restrain him; '''every man is under the natural duty of contributing to the necessities of the society; and this is all the laws should enforce on him'''; and, no man having a natural right to be the judge between himself and another, it is his natural duty to submit to the umpirage of an impartial third. When the laws have declared and enforced all this, they have fulfilled their functions, and the idea is quite unfounded, that on entering into society we give up any natural right. ** Letter to Francis W. Gilmer (27 June 1816); ''The Writings of Thomas Jefferson'' edited by Ford, vol. 10, p. 32 * I, however, place economy among the first and most important republican virtues, and [[public debt]] as the greatest of the dangers to be feared. ** Letter to William Plumer (21 July 1816) * '''Ridicule is the only weapon which can be used against unintelligible propositions.''' Ideas must be distinct before reason can act upon them; and no man ever had a distinct idea of the trinity. It is the mere Abracadabra of the mountebanks calling themselves the priests of Jesus. ** Letter to [[w:François Adriaan van der Kemp|Francis Adrian Van der Kemp]] (30 July 1816), denouncing the doctrine of the Trinity. * '''Bigotry is the disease of ignorance, of morbid minds; enthusiasm of the free and buoyant. Education & free discussion are the antidotes of both.''' ** Letter to [[John Adams]] (1 August 1816) * I like the dreams of the future better than the history of the past, — so good night! ** Letter to [[John Adams]] (1 August 1816) * '''It is in our lives, and not from our words, that our religion must be read.''' By the same test the world must judge me. But this does not satisfy the priesthood. They must have a positive, a declared assent to all their interested absurdities. My opinion is that there would never have been an infidel, if there had never been a priest. ** Letter to Mrs. Harrison Smith (6 August 1816) * You ask if I mean to publish anything on the subject of a letter of mine to my friend Charles Thompson? Certainly not. I write nothing for publication, and last of all things should it be on the subject of religion. On the dogmas of religion as distinguished from moral principles, all mankind, from the beginning of the world to this day, have been quarrelling, fighting, burning and torturing one another, for abstractions unintelligible to themselves and to all others, and absolutely beyond the comprehension of the human mind. Were I to enter on that arena, I should only add an unit to the number of Bedlamites. ** Letter to [[w:Mathew Carey|Mathew Carey]] (11 November 1816). Published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&nbsp;York: G.&nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-12_Bk.pdf Vol.&nbsp;12], p.&nbsp;42 * I may say Christianity itself divided into its thousands also, who are disputing, anathematizing and where the laws permit burning and torturing one another for abstractions which no one of them understand, and which are indeed beyond the comprehension of the human mind[.] ** Letter to [[w:George Logan|George Logan]] (12 November 1816). Published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&nbsp;York: G.&nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-12_Bk.pdf Vol.&nbsp;12], pp.&nbsp;43 * I do not believe that in the four administrations which have taken place, there has been a single instance of departure from good faith towards other nations. We may sometimes have mistaken our rights, or made an erroneous estimate of the actions of others, but no voluntary wrong can be imputed to us. In this respect England exhibits the most remarkable phaenomenon in the universe in the contrast between the profligacy of it’s government and the probity of it’s citizens. And accordingly it is now exhibiting an example of the truth of the maxim that '''virtue & interest are inseparable'''. It ends, as might have been expected, in the ruin of it’s people, but this ruin will fall heaviest, as it ought to fall on that hereditary aristocracy which has for generations been preparing the catastrophe. '''I hope we shall take warning from the example and crush in it’s birth the aristocracy of our monied corporations which dare already to challenge our government to a trial of strength and bid defiance to the laws of our country.''' ** Letter to [[w:George Logan|George Logan]] (12 November 1816). Published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&nbsp;York: G.&nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-12_Bk.pdf Vol.&nbsp;12], pp.&nbsp;43-44 * '''There is an error into which most of the speculators on government have fallen, and which the well-known state of society of our Indians ought, before now, to have corrected. In their hypothesis of the origin of government, they suppose it to have commenced in the patriarchal or monarchical form.''' Our Indians are evidently in that state of nature which has passed the association of a single family... The Cherokees, the only tribe I know to be contemplating the establishment of regular laws, magistrates, and government, propose a government of representatives, elected from every town. '''But of all things, they least think of subjecting themselves to the will of one man.''' ** Letter to Francis W. Gilmer (1816) * Lay down true principles and adhere to them inflexibly. Do not be frightened into their surrender by the alarms of the timid, or the croakings of wealth against the ascendency of the people. ** Letter to Samuel Kercheval (1816) * '''I believe... that every human mind feels pleasure in doing good to another.''' ** Letter to [[John Adams]] (1816) * '''The result of your fifty or sixty years of religious reading in the four words: 'Be just and good,' is that in which all our enquiries must end.''' ** Letter to [[John Adams]] (11 January 1817) * '''What all agree upon is probably right; what no two agree in most probably is wrong. ''' ** Letter to [[John Adams]] (11 January 1817) This statement has been referred to as ''"[[w:Jefferson's Axiom|Jefferson's Axiom]]"'' * One of our fan-coloring biographers, who paints small men as very great, inquired of me lately with real affection too, whether he might consider as authentic, the change of [[w:Religious views of Thomas Jefferson|my religion]] much spoken of in some circles. Now '''this supposed that they knew what had been my religion before, taking for it the word of their priests, whom I certainly never made the confidants of my creed.''' My answer was '''"say nothing of my religion. It is known to [[Personal god|my God]] and myself alone.''' Its evidence before the world is to be sought in my life; if that has been honest and dutiful to society, the religion which has regulated it cannot be a bad one." ** Letter to [[John Adams]] (11 January 1817), published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&nbsp;York: G.&nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-12_Bk.pdf Vol.&nbsp;12], pp.&nbsp;48–49 * If by religion, we are understand sectarian dogmas, in which no two of them agree, then your exclamation on that hypothesis is just, "that this would be the best of all possible worlds, if there were no religion in it." But if the moral precepts, innate in man, and made a part of his physical constitution, as necessary for a social being, if the sublime doctrines of philanthropism and deism taught us by Jesus of Nazareth, in which all agree, constitute true religion, then, without it, this would be, as you again say, "something not fit to be named, even indeed, a hell." ** Letter to John Adams, 5 May 1817, in The Writings of Thomas Jefferson (Lipscomb-Bergh edition, 1903), Volume XV, p. 109 * The Pennsylvania legislature, who, on a proposition to make the belief in God a necessary qualification for office, rejected it by a great majority, although assuredly there was not a single atheist in their body. And you remember to have heard, that when the act for religious freedom was before the Virginia Assembly, a motion to insert the name of [[Jesus]] [[w:Christ|Christ]] before the phrase, "the author of our holy religion," which stood in the bill, was rejected, although that was the creed of a great majority of them. ** Letter to [[w:Albert Gallatin|Albert Gallatin]] (16 June 1817). Published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&nbsp;York: G.&nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-12_Bk.pdf Vol.&nbsp;12], p.&nbsp;73 * I have the consolation to reflect that during the period of my administration not a drop of the blood of a single fellow citizen was shed by the sword of war or of the law. ** Letter to papal nuncio Count Dugnani (14 February 1818) * Your sect by its sufferings has furnished a remarkable proof of the universal spirit of religious intolerance inherent in every sect, disclaimed by all while feeble, and practiced by all when in power. Our laws have applied the only antidote to this vice, protecting our religious, as they do our civil rights, by putting all on an equal footing. But more remains to be done, for '''although we are free by the law, we are not so in practice.''' Public opinion erects itself into an inquisition, and exercises its office with as much fanaticism as fans the flames of an Auto-da-fé. The prejudice still scowling on your section of our religion altho' the elder one, cannot be unfelt by ourselves. '''It is to be hoped that individual dispositions will at length mould themselves to the model of the law, and consider the moral basis, on which all our religions rest, as the rallying point which unites them in a common interest; while the peculiar dogmas branching from it are the exclusive concern of the respective sects embracing them, and no rightful subject of notice to any other. Public opinion needs reformation on that point''', which would have the further happy effect of doing away the hypocritical maxim of "intus et lubet, foris ut moris". '''Nothing, I think, would be so likely to effect this''', as to your sect particularly, '''as the more careful attention to education''', which you recommend, and '''which, placing its members on the equal and commanding benches of science, will exhibit them as equal objects of respect and favor.''' ** [http://www.jewishvirtuallibrary.org/jsource/loc/madison.html Thomas Jefferson to Mordecai M. Noah, May 28, 1818. Manuscript Division, Papers of Thomas Jefferson.] * Tried myself in the school of affliction, by the loss of every form of connection which can rive the human heart, I know well, and feel what you have lost, what you have suffered, are suffering, and have yet to endure. The same trials have taught me that for ills so immeasurable, time and silence are the only medicines. I will not, therefore, by useless condolences, open afresh the sluices of your grief, nor, although mingling sincerely my tears with yours, will I say a word more where words are vain. ** [http://www.masshist.org/database/transcription.cfm?transcriptDir=masshist&transcript=L5058.xml&queryID=1797 Letter to John Adams] (13 November 1818) regarding the death of [[Abigail Adams]] * I read no newspaper now but Ritchie's, and in that chiefly the advertisments, for they contain the only truths to be relied on in a newspaper. ** Letter to [[w:Nathaniel Macon|Nathaniel Macon]] ([[12 January]] [[1819]])[https://books.google.com/books?id=wyhNAQAAMAAJ&newbks=1&newbks_redir=0&dq=%22no%20newspaper%20now%20but%20Ritchie's%22&pg=PA111#v=onepage&q=%22no%20newspaper%20now%20but%20Ritchie's%22&f=false] * Whether the succeeding generation is to be more virtuous than their predecessors, I cannot say; but I am sure they will have more worldly wisdom, and enough, I hope, to know that '''honesty is the first chapter in the book of wisdom.''' ** Letter to [[w:Nathaniel Macon|Nathaniel Macon]] ([[12 January]] [[1819]])[http://books.google.com/books?id=oiYWAAAAYAAJ&q=%22Honesty+is+the+first+chapter+in+the+book+of+wisdom%22&pg=PA112#v=onepage] * You say you are a Calvinist. I am not. '''I am of a sect by myself, as far as I know.''' ** Letter to Ezra Stiles Ely (25 June 1819), published in ''The Papers of Thomas Jefferson'' (1983) by Dickinson W. Adams; Attributions of this letter as one to [[w:Ezra Stiles|Ezra Stiles]], President of [[w:Yale University|Yale College]] (who died in 1795) are incorrect. See also [http://www.positiveatheism.org/hist/quotes/jeffphony.htm Positive Atheism's "Questionable Thomas Jefferson Quotations"] * It should be remembered, as an axiom of eternal truth in politics, that '''whatever power in any government is independent, is absolute also'''; in theory only, at first, while the spirit of the people is up, but in practice, as fast as that relaxes. '''Independence can be trusted nowhere but with the people in mass. They are inherently independent of all but moral law.''' ** [http://press-pubs.uchicago.edu/founders/documents/a1_8_18s16.html Letter] to Judge Spencer Roane (6 September 1819) * '''The greatest of all the reformers of the depraved religion of his own country, was [[Jesus]] of Nazareth. Abstracting what is really his from the rubbish in which it is buried, easily distinguished by its lustre from the dross of his biographers, and as separable from that as the diamond from the dunghill.''' ... The establishment of the innocent and genuine character of this benevolent moralist, and the rescuing it from the imputation of imposture, which has resulted from artificial systems, [footnote: e.g. The immaculate conception of Jesus, his deification, the creation of the world by him, his miraculous powers, his resurrection and visible ascension, his corporeal presence in the Eucharist, the Trinity; original sin, atonement, regeneration, election, orders of Hierarchy, etc. —T.J.] invented by ultra-Christian sects, unauthorized by a single word ever uttered by him, is a most desirable object, and one to which [[Joseph Priestley|Priestley]] has successfully devoted his labors and learning. It would in time, it is to be hoped, effect a quiet euthanasia of the heresies of bigotry and fanaticism which have so long triumphed over human reason, and so generally and deeply afflicted mankind; but this work is to be begun by winnowing the grain from the chaff of the historians of his life. ** Letter to [[w:William Short (American ambassador)|William Short]] (31 October 1819), published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&nbsp;York: G.&nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-12_Bk.pdf Vol.&nbsp;12], pp.&nbsp;141–142 * As you say of yourself, I too am an Epicurian. I consider the genuine (not the imputed) doctrines of [[Epicurus]] as containing everything rational in moral philosophy which Greece and Rome have left us. ** Letter to William Short (31 October 1819) * We were laboring under a dropsical fulness of circulating medium. Nearly all of it is now called in by the banks, who have the regulation of the safety-valves of our fortunes, and who condense and explode them at their will. Lands in this State cannot now be sold for a year’s rent; and unless our Legislature have wisdom enough to effect a remedy by a gradual diminution only of the medium, there will be a general revolution of property in this state. ** [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Home3/HTML.php?recordID=0054.12#hd_lf054-12_head_057 Letter to John Adams (7 November 1819)] ME 15:224 : ''The Writings of Thomas Jefferson'' "Memorial Edition" (20 Vols., 1903-04) edited by [[w:Andrew A. Lipscomb|Andrew A. Lipscomb]] and Albert Ellery Bergh, Vol. 15, p. 224 * Of liberty I would say that, in the whole plenitude of its extent, it is unobstructed action according to our will. But '''rightful liberty is unobstructed action according to our will within limits drawn around us by the equal rights of others. I do not add "within the limits of the law" because law is often but the tyrant's will, and always so when it violates the rights of the individual.''' ** Letter to Isaac H. Tiffany (4 April 1819) ==== Letters to John Wayles Eppes (1813) ==== : <small> [[w:John Wayles Eppes|John Wayles Eppes]] was a United States Representative and a Senator from Virginia, and Jefferson's son-in-law.</small> * '''The earth belongs to the living, not to the dead.''' ** 24 June 1813 * It is a palpable falsehood to say we can have specie for our paper whenever demanded. Instead, then, of yielding to the cries of scarcity of medium set up by speculators, projectors and commercial gamblers, no endeavors should be spared to begin the work of reducing it by such gradual means as may give time to private fortunes to preserve their poise, and settle down with the subsiding medium; and that, for this purpose, the States should be urged to concede to the General Government, with a saving of chartered rights, the exclusive power of establishing banks of discount for paper. ** 6 November 1813, ME 13:431: ''The Writings of Thomas Jefferson'' "Memorial Edition" (20 Vols., 1903-04) edited by [[w:Andrew A. Lipscomb|Andrew A. Lipscomb]] and Albert Ellery Bergh, Vol. 13, p. 431 * The States should be urged to concede to the General Government, with a saving of chartered rights, the exclusive power of establishing banks of discount for paper. ** [http://www.yamaguchy.netfirms.com/7897401/jefferson/eppes2.html ME] 13:431 * If treasury bills are emitted on a tax appropriated for their redemption in fifteen years, and (to insure preference in the first moments of competition) bearing an interest of six per cent, there is no one who would not take them in preference to the bank paper now afloat, on a principle of patriotism as well as interest; and they would be withdrawn from circulation into private hoards to a considerable amount. Their credit once established, others might be emitted, bottomed also on a tax, but not bearing interest; and if ever their credit faltered, open public loans, on which these bills alone should be received as specie. These, operating as a sinking fund, would reduce the quantity in circulation, so as to maintain that in an equilibrium with specie. It is not easy to estimate the obstacles which, in the beginning, we should encounter in ousting the banks from their possession of the circulation; but a steady and judicious alternation of emissions and loans would reduce them in time. ** [http://www.yamaguchy.netfirms.com/7897401/jefferson/eppes.html ME] 13:275 * The question will be asked and ought to be looked at, what is to be the resource if loans cannot be obtained? There is but one, "Carthago delenda est." '''Bank paper must be suppressed, and the circulating medium must be restored to the nation to whom it belongs.''' It is the only fund on which they can rely for loans; it is the only resource which can never fail them, and it is an abundant one for every necessary purpose. Treasury bills, bottomed on taxes, bearing or not bearing interest, as may be found necessary, thrown into circulation will take the place of so much gold and silver, which last, when crowded, will find an efflux into other countries, and thus keep the quantum of medium at its salutary level. Let banks continue if they please, but let them discount for cash alone or for treasury notes. <!-- They discount for cash alone in every other country on earth except Great Britain, and her too often unfortunate copyist, the United States. If taken in time they may be rectified by degrees, and without injustice, but if let alone till the alternative forces itself on us, of submitting to the enemy for want of funds, or the suppression of bank paper, either by law or by convulsion, we cannot foresee how it will end. The remaining questions are mathematical only. How are the taxes and the time of their continuance to be proportioned to the sum borrowed, and the stipulated interest? <br> The rate of interest will depend on the state of the money market, and the duration of the tax on the will of the legislature. --> ** 11 September 1813, ME 13:361 * It is literally true that the toleration of banks of paper discount costs the United States one-half their war taxes; or, in other words, doubles the expenses of every war. Now think but for a moment, what a change of condition that would be, which should save half our war expenses, require but half the taxes, and enthral us in debt but half the time. ** ME 13:364 * The art and mystery of banks... is established on the principle that 'private debts are a public blessing.' That the evidences of those private debts, called bank notes, become active capital, and aliment the whole commerce, manufactures, and agriculture of the United States. Here are a set of people, for instance, who have bestowed on us the great blessing of running in our debt about two hundred millions of dollars, without our knowing who they are, where they are, or what property they have to pay this debt when called on; nay, who have made us so sensible of the blessings of letting them run in our debt, that we have exempted them by law from the repayment of these debts beyond a give proportion (generally estimated at one-third). And to fill up the measure of blessing, instead of paying, they receive an interest on what they owe from those to whom they owe; for all the notes, or evidences of what they owe, which we see in circulation, have been lent to somebody on an interest which is levied again on us through the medium of commerce. And they are so ready still to deal out their liberalities to us, that they are now willing to let themselves run in our debt ninety millions more, on our paying them the same premium of six or eight per cent interest, and on the same legal exemption from the repayment of more than thirty millions of the debt, when it shall be called for. ** ME 13:420 * But it will be asked, are we to have no banks? Are merchants and others to be deprived of the resource of short accommodations, found so convenient? I answer, let us have banks; but let them be such as are alone to be found in any country on earth, except Great Britain. There is not a bank of discount on the continent of Europe (at least there was not one when I was there) which offers anything but cash in exchange for discounted bills. ** ME 13:277 * No one has a natural right to the trade of a money lender, but he who has the money to lend. Let those then among us who have a moneyed capital and who prefer employing it in loans rather than otherwise, set up banks and give cash or national bills for the notes they discount. Perhaps, to encourage them, a larger interest than is legal in the other cases might be allowed them, on the condition of their lending for short periods only. ** ME 13:277 * If the debt which the banking companies owe be a blessing to anybody, it is to themselves alone, who are realizing a solid interest of eight or ten per cent on it. As to the public, these companies have banished all our gold and silver medium, which, before their institution, we had without interest, which never could have perished in our hands, and would have been our salvation now in the hour of war; instead of which they have given us two hundred million of froth and bubble, on which we are to pay them heavy interest, until it shall vanish into air... We are warranted, then, in affirming that this parody on the principle of 'a [[public debt]] being a public blessing,' and its mutation into the blessing of private instead of public debts, is as ridiculous as the original principle itself. In both cases, the truth is, that capital may be produced by industry, and accumulated by economy; but jugglers only will propose to create it by legerdemain tricks with paper. ** ME 13:423 * It is said that our paper is as good as silver, because we may have silver for it at the bank where it issues. This is not true. One, two, or three persons might have it; but a general application would soon exhaust their vaults, and leave a ruinous proportion of their paper in its intrinsic worthless form. ** ME 13:426 * To the existence of banks of discount for cash... there can be no objection, because there can be no danger of abuse, and they are a convenience both to merchants and individuals. I think they should even be encouraged, by allowing them a larger than legal interest on short discounts, and tapering thence, in proportion as the term of discount is lengthened, down to legal interest on those of a year or more. Even banks of deposit, where cash should be lodged, and a paper acknowledgment taken out as its representative, entitled to a return of the cash on demand, would be convenient for remittances, travelling persons, etc. But, liable as its cash would be to be pilfered and robbed, and its paper to be fraudulently re-issued, or issued without deposit, it would require skilful and strict regulation. ** ME 13:431 ==== Letter to Isaac McPherson (1813) ==== : <small>Monticello (13 August 1813) ''The Writings of Thomas Jefferson'' (1907) Volumes 13-14, [https://books.google.com/books?id=ao8oG7xRRBUC&pg=PA326 pp. 326-338.]</small> * '''Every man should be protected in his lawful acts, and be certain that no [[w:Ex post facto law|''ex post facto'' law]] shall punish or [[wikt:endamage|endamage]] him for them.''' ...The sentiment that ''ex post facto'' laws are against natural right, is so strong in the United States, that few, if any, of the State constitutions have failed to [[wikt:proscribe#Verb|proscribe]] them. The federal constitution indeed [[wikt:interdict#Verb|interdict]]s them in criminal cases only; but they are equally unjust in civil as in criminal cases, and the omission of a caution which would have been right, does not justify the doing what is wrong. Nor ought it to be presumed that the legislature meant to use a phrase in an unjustifiable sense, if by rules of construction it can be ever strained to what is just.<!--pp. 326-327--> * The law books abound with similar instances of the care the judges take of the public integrity, Laws, moreover, abridging the natural right of the citizen, should be restrained by rigorous constructions within their narrowest limits.<!--p. 327--> * It is agreed by those who have seriously considered the subject, that no individual has, of natural right, a separate property in an acre of land, for instance. By an universal law, indeed, whatever, whether fixed or movable, belongs to all men equally and in common, is the property for the moment of him who occupies it, but when he relinquishes the occupation, the property goes with it. '''Stable ownership is the gift of social law, and is given late in the progress of society. It would be curious then, if an idea, the fugitive fermentation of an individual brain, could, of natural right, be claimed in exclusive and stable property.''' If nature has made any one thing less susceptible than all others of exclusive property, it is the action of the thinking power called an idea, which an individual may exclusively possess as long as he keeps it to himself; but the moment it is divulged, it forces itself into the possession of every one, and the receiver cannot dispossess himself of it. Its peculiar character, too, is that no one possesses the less, because every other possesses the whole of it. '''He who receives an idea from me, receives instruction himself without lessening mine; as he who lights his taper at mine, receives light without darkening me.'''<!--pp. 333-334--> ** See also [http://press-pubs.uchicago.edu/founders/documents/a1_8_8s12.html Letter to Isaac McPherson] (13 August 1813) ME 13:333. ** The sentence ''He who receives an idea from me, receives instruction himself without lessening mine; as he who lights his taper at mine, receives light without darkening me.'' is sometimes paraphrased as '''"Knowledge is like a candle. Even as it lights a new candle, the strength of the original flame is not diminished."''' * '''England was, until we copied her, the only country on earth which ever, by a general law, gave a legal right to the exclusive use of an idea. In some other countries it is sometimes done, in a great case, and by a special and personal act, but, generally speaking, other nations have thought that these monopolies produce more embarrassment than advantage to society; and it may be observed that the nations which refuse monopolies of invention, are as fruitful as England in new and useful devices.'''<!--p. 334--> ==== Letter to Edward Coles (1814) ==== : <small> (25 August 1814) ''The Writings of Thomas Jefferson'', Volume 9, [https://books.google.com/books?id=OFI8AAAAIAAJ&pg=PA477 pp. 477-479.] See also [http://alexpeak.com/twr/jefferson/#1784 Letter to Edward Coles (25 August 1814)]</small> * Your favour of July 31, was duly received, and was read with peculiar pleasure. The sentiments breathed through the whole do honor to both the head and heart of the writer. Mine '''on the subject of slavery of negroes have long since been in possession of the public, and time has only served to give them stronger root. The love of justice and the love of country plead equally the cause of these people, and it is a moral reproach to us that they should have pleaded it so long in vain''', and should have produced not a single effort, nay I fear not much serious willingness to relieve them & ourselves from our present condition of moral & political reprobation.<!--p. 477--> * I had always hoped that the younger generation receiving their early impressions after the flame of liberty had been kindled in every breast, & had become as it were the vital spirit of every American, that the generous temperament of youth, analogous to the motion of their blood, and above the suggestions of avarice, would have sympathized with oppression wherever found, and proved their love of liberty beyond their own share of it.<!--p. 478--> * Yet '''the hour of emancipation is advancing, in the march of time. It will come'''.<!--p. 478--> * This enterprise is for the young; for those who can follow it up, and bear it through to its consummation. It shall have all my prayers, & these are the only weapons of an old man<!--p. 479--> ==== Letter to Joseph Milligan (6 April 1816) ==== : <small>[http://www.friesian.com/#contents Letter to Joseph Milligan (6 April 1816)]</small> * ...the more a subject is understood, the more briefly it may be explained. * To take from one, because it is thought his own industry and that of his fathers has acquired too much, in order to spare to others, who, or whose fathers, have not exercised equal industry and skill, is to violate arbitrarily the first principle of association, the guarantee to everyone the free exercise of his industry and the fruits acquired by it. ==== Letter to H. Tompkinson (AKA Samuel Kercheval) (1816) ==== [[File:Supreme Court of the United States - Philosophical Swag.jpg|thumb|I am certainly not an advocate for frequent and untried changes in laws and constitutions. [...] But I know also, that laws and institutions must go hand in hand with the progress of the human mind.]] [[File:MtRushmore Tom close.jpg|thumb|Lay down true principles, and adhere to them inflexibly. Do not be frightened into their surrender by the alarms of the timid, or the croakings of wealth against the ascendency of the people.]] [[File:Uscapitolindaylight.jpg|thumb|The true foundation of republican government is the equal right of every citizen, in his person and property, and in their management.]] [[File:US $2 1869 Legal Tender Note.jpg|thumb|I am not among those who fear the people. They, and not the rich, are our dependence for continued freedom. And to preserve their independence, we must not let our rulers load us with perpetual debt. We must make our election between economy and liberty, or profusion and servitude.]] : <small>[http://classicliberal.tripod.com/jefferson/kercheval.html Letter to H. Tompkinson (AKA Samuel Kercheval), 12 July 1816] ([http://memory.loc.gov/cgi-bin/ampage?collId=mtj1&fileName=mtj1page049.db&recNum=254 image] at Library of Congress).</small> * '''The mother principle [is] that 'governments are republican only in proportion as they embody the will of their people, and execute it.'"'''. * But inequality of representation in both Houses of our legislature, is not the only republican heresy in this first essay of our revolutionary patriots at forming a constitution. For let it be agreed that '''a government is republican in proportion as every member composing it has his equal voice in the direction of its concerns (not indeed in person, which would be impracticable beyond the limits of a city, or small township, but) by representatives chosen by himself, and responsible to him at short periods''', and let us bring to the test of this canon every branch of our constitution. * In England, where judges were named and removable at the will of an hereditary executive, from which branch most misrule was feared, and has flowed, it was a great point gained, by fixing them for life, to make them independent of that executive. But in a government founded on the public will, this principle operates in an opposite direction, and against that will. There, too, they were still removable on a concurrence of the executive and legislative branches. But we have made them independent of the nation itself. They are irremovable, but by their own body, for any depravities of conduct, and even by their own body for the imbecilities of dotage. The justices of the inferior courts are self- chosen, are for life, and perpetuate their own body in succession forever, so that a faction once possessing themselves of the bench of a county, can never be broken up, but hold their county in chains, forever indissoluble. Yet these justices are the real executive as well as judiciary, in all our minor and most ordinary concerns. They tax us at will; fill the office of sheriff, the most important of all the executive officers of the county; name nearly all our military leaders, which leaders, once named, are removable but by themselves. The juries, our judges of all fact, and of law when they choose it, are not selected by the people, nor amenable to them. They are chosen by an officer named by the court and executive. Chosen, did I say? Picked up by the sheriff from the loungings of the court yard, after everything respectable has retired from it. Where then is our republicanism to be found? Not in our constitution certainly, but merely in the spirit of our people. That would oblige even a despot to govern us republicanly. Owing to this spirit, and to nothing in the form of our constitution, all things have gone well. But this fact, so triumphantly misquoted by the enemies of reformation, is not the fruit of our constitution, but has prevailed in spite of it. Our functionaries have done well, because generally honest men. If any were not so, they feared to show it. * Only '''lay down true principles, and adhere to them inflexibly. Do not be frightened into their surrender by the alarms of the timid, or the croakings of wealth against the ascendency of the people.''' * '''The true foundation of republican government is the equal right of every citizen, in his person and property, and in their management.''' Try by this, as a tally, every provision of our constitution, and see if it hangs directly on the will of the people. Reduce your legislature to a convenient number for full, but orderly discussion. '''Let every man who fights or pays, exercise his just and equal right in''' their '''election'''. * '''I am not among those who fear the people. They, and not the rich, are our dependence for continued freedom. And to preserve their independence, we must not let our rulers load us with perpetual debt. We must make our election between economy and liberty, or profusion and servitude.''' If we run into such debts, as that we must be taxed in our meat and in our drink, in our necessaries and our comforts, in our labors and our amusements, for our callings and our creeds, as the people of England are, our people, like them, must come to labor sixteen hours in the twenty-four, give the earnings of fifteen of these to the government for their debts and daily expenses; and the sixteenth being insufficient to afford us bread, we must live, as they now do, on oatmeal and potatoes; have no time to think, no means of calling the mismanagers to account; but be glad to obtain subsistence by hiring ourselves to rivet their chains on the necks of our fellow-sufferers. Our landholders, too, like theirs, retaining indeed the title and stewardship of estates called theirs, but held really in trust for the treasury, must wander, like theirs, in foreign countries, and be contented with penury, obscurity, exile, and the glory of the nation. This example reads to us the salutary lesson, that '''private fortunes are destroyed by public as well as by private extravagance. And this is the tendency of all human governments. A departure from principle in one instance becomes a precedent for a second; that second for a third; and so on, till the bulk of the society is reduced to be mere automatons of misery, and to have no sensibilities left but for sinning and suffering. Then begins, indeed, the [[w:Bellum omnium contra omnes|bellum omnium in omnia]], which some philosophers observing to be so general in this world, have mistaken it for the natural, instead of the abusive state of man. And the fore horse of this frightful team is [[public debt]]. Taxation follows that, and in its train wretchedness and oppression.''' * '''Some men look at constitutions with sanctimonious reverence and deem them like the ark of the covenant, too sacred to be touched.''' They ascribe to the men of the preceding age a wisdom more than human and suppose what they did to be beyond amendment. I knew that age well; I belonged to it and labored with it. It deserved well of its country. It was very like the present but without the experience of the present; and '''forty years of experience in government is worth a century of book-reading'''; and this they would say themselves were they to rise from the dead. * '''I am certainly not an advocate for frequent and untried changes in laws and constitutions.''' I think moderate imperfections had better be borne with; because, when once known, we accommodate ourselves to them, and find practical means of correcting their ill effects. '''But''' I know also, that '''laws and institutions must go hand in hand with the progress of the human mind'''. As that becomes more developed, more enlightened, as new discoveries are made, new truths disclosed, and manners and opinions change with the change of circumstances, institutions must advance also, and '''keep pace with the times. We might as well require a man to wear still the coat which fitted him when a boy, as civilized society to remain ever under the regimen of their barbarous ancestors'''. It is this preposterous idea which has lately deluged Europe in blood. Their monarchs, instead of wisely yielding to the gradual change of circumstances, of favoring progressive accommodation to progressive improvement, have clung to old abuses, entrenched themselves behind steady habits, and obliged their subjects to seek through blood and violence rash and ruinous innovations, which, had they been referred to the peaceful deliberations and collected wisdom of the nation, would have been put into acceptable and salutary forms. Let us follow no such examples, nor weakly believe that one generation is not as capable as another of taking care of itself, and of ordering its own affairs. ** An abridged version is inscribed on the [[w:Jefferson Memorial|Jefferson Memorial]] in Washington, D.C.,[http://www.monticello.org/site/jefferson/quotations-jefferson-memorial] as follows: *** I am not an advocate for frequent changes in laws and constitutions, but laws and institutions must go hand in hand with the progress of the human mind. As that becomes more developed, more enlightened, as new discoveries are made, new truths discovered and manners and opinions change, with the change of circumstances, institutions must advance also to keep pace with the times. We might as well require a man to wear still the coat which fitted him when a boy as civilized society to remain ever under the regimen of their barbarous ancestors. * '''The dead? But the dead have no rights. They are nothing; and nothing cannot own something. Where there is no substance, there can be no accident. This corporeal globe, and everything upon it, belong to its present corporeal inhabitants, during their generation. They alone have a right to direct what is the concern of themselves alone, and to declare the law of that direction; and this declaration can only be made by their majority. That majority, then, has a right to depute representatives to a convention, and to make the constitution what they think will be the best for themselves.''' ==== Letter to Albert Gallatin (16 June 1817) ==== : <small>[http://press-pubs.uchicago.edu/founders/documents/a1_8_1s25.html Letter to Albert Galltin (16 June 1817)]</small> * Whereas, our tenet ever was, and, indeed, it is almost the only landmark which now divides the federalists from the republicans, '''that Congress had not unlimited powers to provide for the general welfare, but were restrained to those specifically enumerated;'''... === 1820s === [[File:William Holman Hunt - Christ And The Two Marys.jpg |thumb|That [[Jesus]] did not mean to impose himself on [[mankind]] as the son of [[God]], physically speaking, I have been convinced by the writings of men more learned than myself in that lore. But that he might conscientiously [[believe]] himself inspired from above, is very possible.]] [[File:Indian peace medal engraved by John Reich, De Young Museum.JPG|thumb|I know no safe depository of the ultimate [[powers]] of the [[society]] but the [[people]] themselves; and if we think them not [[enlightened]] enough to exercise their control with wholesome discretion, the remedy is not to take it from them, but to inform their discretion by [[education]]. This is the true corrective of abuses of constitutional power.]] [[File:Human eye reflecting the sun.jpg|thumb|Let the eye of vigilance never be closed.]] [[File:Drafting the Declaration of Independence. The Committee-Franklin, Jefferson, Adams, Livingston and Sherman. Copy of engr - NARA - 513332.tif|thumb|May it be to the world, what I believe it will be, (to some parts sooner, to others later, but finally to all), the signal of arousing men to burst the chains under which monkish [[ignorance]] and [[superstition]] had persuaded them to bind themselves, and to assume the blessings and security of [[self]]-[[government]].]] [[File:United states supreme court building.png|thumb|You seem to consider the federal judges as the ultimate arbiters of all constitutional questions, a very dangerous doctrine ... Our judges ... have with others the same passions for the party, for power and the privilege of the corps. Their power is the more dangerous, as they are in office for life and not responsible, as the other functionaries are, to the elective control. The Constitution has erected no such single tribunal, knowing that to whatever hands confided, with the corruptions of time and party, its members would become despots.]] [[File:Thomas Jefferson by Moses Jacob Ezekiel.JPG|thumb|The only security of all is in a free press. The force of public [[opinion]] cannot be resisted, when permitted freely to be expressed. The agitation it produces must be submitted to. It is [[necessary]], to keep the waters pure.]] [[File:12072012 Jefferson Memorial 04.jpg|thumb|[[All]] [[eyes]] are opened, or opening, to the [[rights]] of man.]] [[File:Nokota_Horses_cropped.jpg|thumb|The general spread of the light of science has already laid open to every view the palpable truth, that the mass of mankind has not been born with saddles on their backs, nor a favored few booted and spurred, ready to ride them legitimately, by the grace of God. These are grounds of hope for others.]] [[File:Fourth of July fireworks behind the Washington Monument, 1986.jpg|thumb|[L]et the annual return of this day forever refresh our recollections of these rights, and an undiminished devotion to them.]] * '''The priests of the different religious sects, who dread the advance of science as witches do the approach of day-light; and scowl on it the fatal harbinger announcing the subversion of the duperies on which they live.''' In this the Presbyterian clergy take the lead. the tocsin is sounded in all their pulpits, and the first alarm denounced is against the particular creed of Doctr. Cooper; and as impudently denounced as if they really knew what it is. ** Letter to [[w:José Correia da Serra|José Correia da Serra]] (11 April 1820) * Among the sayings and discourses imputed to him [Jesus] by his biographers, I find many passages of fine imagination, correct morality, and of the most lovely benevolence; and others again of so much ignorance, so much absurdity, so much untruth, charlatanism, and imposture, as to pronounce it impossible that such contradictions should have proceeded from the same being. I separate, therefore, the gold from the dross; restore to Him the former, and leave the latter to the stupidity of some, and roguery of others of His disciples. Of this band of dupes and impostors, Paul was the great Coryphaeus, and first corruptor of the doctrines of Jesus. These palpable interpolations and falsifications of His doctrines, led me to try to sift them apart. ** Letter to [[w:William Short (American ambassador)|William Short]] (13 April 1820) * I had for a long time ceased to read newspapers, or pay any attention to public affairs, confident they were in good hands, and content to be a passenger in our bark to the shore from which I am not distant. But this momentous question, like a firebell in the night, awakened and filled me with terror. I considered it at once as the knell of the Union. I regret that I am now to die in the belief that the useless sacrifice of themselves by the generation of 1776 to acquire self-government and happiness to their country is to be thrown away, and my only consolation is to be that I live not to weep over it. ** On the [[w:Missouri Compromise|Missouri Compromise]], in a letter to [[w:John Holmes (U.S. politician)|John Holmes]] (22 April 1820), published in ''The Writings of Thomas Jefferson: 1816-1826'' (1899) edited by Paul Leicester Ford, v. 10, p. 157; also quoted by [[Martin Luther King, Jr.]] in his ''[http://www.nps.gov/anti/historyculture/mlk-ep.htm Emancipation Proclamation Centennial Address]'' at the New York Civil War Centennial Commission’s Emancipation Proclamation Observance, New York City (12 September 1962) * We have the wolf by the ears, and we can neither hold him nor safely let him go. Justice is in one scale, self-preservation in the other. ** On slavery, in a letter to [[w:John Holmes (U.S. politician)|John Holmes]] (22 April 1820) * I regret that I am now to die in the belief, that the useless sacrifice of themselves by the generation of 1776, to acquire self- government and happiness to their country, is to be thrown away by the unwise and unworthy passions of their sons, and that my only consolation is to be, that I live not to weep over it. If they would but dispassionately weigh the blessings they will throw away, against an abstract principle more likely to be effected by union than by scission, they would pause before they would perpetrate this act of suicide on themselves, and of treason against the hopes of the world. To yourself, as the faithful advocate of the Union, I tender the offering of my high esteem and respect. ** Letter to [[w:John Holmes (U.S. politician)|John Holmes]] (22 April 1820) * '''My aim in that was, to justify the character of Jesus against the fictions of his pseudo-followers, which have exposed him to the inference of being an impostor.''' For if we could believe that he really countenanced the follies, the falsehoods and the charlatanisms which his biographers father on him, and admit the misconstructions, interpolations and theorizations of the fathers of the early, and fanatics of the latter ages, the conclusion would be irresistible by every sound mind, that he was an impostor. I give no credit to their falsifications of his actions and doctrines, and to rescue his character, the postulate in my letter asked only what is granted in reading every other historian. ... '''I say, that this free exercise of reason is all I ask for the vindication of the character of Jesus.''' We find in the writings of his biographers matter of two distinct descriptions. First, a groundwork of vulgar ignorance, of things impossible, of superstitions, fanaticisms and fabrications. Intermixed with these, again, are sublime ideas of the Supreme Being, aphorisms and precepts of the purest morality and benevolence, sanctioned by a life of humility, innocence and simplicity of manners, neglect of riches, absence of worldly ambition and honors, with an eloquence and persuasiveness which have not been surpassed. '''These could not be inventions of the groveling authors who relate them. They are far beyond the powers of their feeble minds. They shew that there was a character, the subject of their history, whose splendid conceptions were above all suspicion of being interpolations from their hands.''' Can we be at a loss in separating such materials, and ascribing each to its genuine author? The difference is obvious to the eye and to the understanding, and we may read as we run to each his part; and I will venture to affirm, that he who, as I have done, will undertake to winnow this grain from its chaff, will find it not to require a moment's consideration. The parts fall asunder of themselves, as would those of an image of metal and clay. ... '''There are, I acknowledge, passages not free from objection, which we may, with probability, ascribe to Jesus himself; but claiming indulgence from the circumstances under which he acted.''' His object was the reformation of some articles in the religion of the Jews, as taught by [[Moses]]. That sect had presented for the object of their worship, a being of terrific character, cruel, vindictive, capricious and unjust. Jesus, taking for his type the best qualities of the human head and heart, wisdom, justice, goodness, and adding to them power, ascribed all of these, but in infinite perfection, to the Supreme Being, and formed him really worthy of their adoration. Moses had either not believed in a future state of existence, or had not thought it essential to be explicitly taught to his people. Jesus inculcated that doctrine with emphasis and precision. Moses had bound the Jews to many idle ceremonies, mummeries and observances, of no effect towards producing the social utilities which constitute the essence of virtue; Jesus exposed their futility and insignificance. The one instilled into his people the most anti-social spirit towards other nations; the other preached philanthropy and universal charity and benevolence. The office of reformer of the superstitions of a nation, is ever dangerous. Jesus had to walk on the perilous confines of reason and religion: and a step to right or left might place him within the gripe of the priests of the superstition, a blood thirsty race, as cruel and remorseless as the being whom they represented as the family God of Abraham, of Isaac and of Jacob, and the local God of Israel. They were constantly laying snares, too, to entangle him in the web of the law. He was justifiable, therefore, in avoiding these by evasions, by sophisms, by misconstructions and misapplications of scraps of the prophets, and in defending himself with these their own weapons, as sufficient, ad homines, at least. '''That Jesus did not mean to impose himself on mankind as the son of God, physically speaking, I have been convinced by the writings of men more learned than myself in that lore. But that he might conscientiously believe himself inspired from above, is very possible.''' ** [http://www.stephenjaygould.org/ctrl/jefferson_jesus.html Letter to William Short (4 August 1820)] on his reason for composing a ''Syllabus of an Estimate of the Merit of the Doctrines of Jesus and referring to Jesus’ biographers, the Gospel writers''. Published in ''Thomas Jefferson: Writings'', Merrill D. Peterson, ed., New York: Library of America, 1994, pp.&nbsp;1435–1440 * To talk of immaterial existences is to talk of nothings. To say that the human soul, angels, god, are immaterial, is to say they are nothings, or that there is no god, no angels, no soul. I cannot reason otherwise: but I believe I am supported in my creed of materialism by Locke, Tracy, and Stewart. At what age of the Christian church this heresy of immaterialism, this masked atheism, crept in, I do not know. But heresy it certainly is. [...] I am satisfied, and sufficiently occupied with the things which are, without tormenting or troubling myself about those which may indeed be, but of which I have no evidence. ** [http://www.stephenjaygould.org/ctrl/jefferson_jadms.html Letter] to [[John Adams]] (15 August 1820) * Th. Jefferson returns his thanks to Dr. De La Motta for the eloquent discourse on the Consecration of the Synagogue of Savannah, which he has been so kind as to send him. It excites in him the gratifying reflection that his country has been the first to prove to the world two truths, the most salutary to human society, that man can govern himself, and that '''religious freedom is the most effectual anodyne against religious dissension''': the maxim of civil government being reversed in that of religion, where its true form is "[[w:United we stand, divided we fall|divided we stand, united, we fall]]." ** [http://www.jewishvirtuallibrary.org/jsource/loc/madison.html Thomas Jefferson to Jacob De La Motta, September 1, 1820. Manuscript Division, Papers of Thomas Jefferson.] [http://sephardicoralhistory.org/education/essays.php?action=show&id=19 For the background of the letter see "Thomas Jefferson's Letter on Religious Freedom" Dr. Kenneth Libo Ph.D and Michael Skakun from the Center for Jewish History, New York City, New York.] * '''I know no safe depository of the ultimate powers of the society but the people themselves; and if we think them not enlightened enough to exercise their control with wholesome discretion, the remedy is not to take it from them, but to inform their discretion by education. This is the true corrective of abuses of constitutional power.''' ** Letter to [[w:William Jarvis (merchant)|William Charles Jarvis]] (28 September 1820) * The judiciary of the United States is the subtle corps of sappers and miners constantly working under ground to undermine the foundations of our confederated fabric. They are construing our constitution from a co-ordination of a general and special government to a general and supreme one alone. This will lay all things at their feet, and they are too well versed in English law to forget the maxim, ''boni judicis est ampliare juris-dictionem.'' We shall see if they are bold enough to take the daring stride their five lawyers have lately taken. If they do, then, with the editor of our book, in his address to the public, I will say, that "against this every man should raise his voice," and more, should uplift his arm. Who wrote this admirable address? Sound, luminous, strong, not a word too much, nor one which can be changed but for the worse. That pen should go on, lay bare these wounds of our constitution, expose the decisions seriatim, and arouse, as it is able, the attention of the nation to these bold speculators on its patience. Having found, from experience, that impeachment is an impracticable thing, a mere scare-crow, they consider themselves secure for life; they sculk from responsibility to public opinion, the only remaining hold on them, under a practice first introduced into England by Lord Mansfield. An opinion is huddled up in conclave, perhaps by a majority of one, delivered as if unanimous, and with the silent acquiescence of lazy or timid associates, by a crafty chief judge, who sophisticates the law to his mind, by the turn of his own reasoning ** [http://books.google.com/books?vid=0Fz_zz_wSWAiVg9LI1&id=vvVVhCadyK4C&pg=PA192&vq=%22impeachment+is+an+impracticable+thing%22&dq=%22jeffersons+works%22 Letter] to [[w:Thomas Ritchie|Thomas Ritchie]] (25 December 1820) * '''We are not afraid to follow truth wherever it may lead, nor to tolerate any error so long as reason is left free to combat it.''' ** [https://founders.archives.gov/documents/Jefferson/98-01-02-1712 Letter] to [[w:William Roscoe|William Roscoe]] (27 December 1820) * '''You seem to consider the federal judges as the ultimate arbiters of all constitutional questions, a very dangerous doctrine, indeed, and one which would place us under the despotism of an oligarchy. Our judges''' are as honest as other men, and not more so. They '''have with others the same passions for the party, for power and the privilege of the corps. Their power is the more dangerous, as they are in office for life and not responsible, as the other functionaries are, to the elective control. The Constitution has erected no such single tribunal, knowing that to whatever hands confided, with the corruptions of time and party, its members would become despots.''' It has more wisely made all departments co-equal and co-sovereign within themselves. ** Letter to [[w:William Jarvis (merchant)|William Charles Jarvis]] (1820) * Our country is now taking so steady a course as to show by what road it will pass to destruction, to wit: by consolidation of power first, and then corruption, its necessary consequence. The engine of consolidation will be the Federal judiciary; the two other branches the corrupting and corrupted instruments. ** Letter, Thomas Jefferson to Nathaniel Macon, 1821: ME 15-341, as quoted in ''The Assault on Reason'', Al Gore, A&C Black (2012, reprint), p. 87 : {{ISBN|1408835800}}, 9781408835807, and ''Federal Jurisdiction, Form #05.018'', Sovereignty Education and Defense Ministry (2012) * That one hundred and fifty lawyers should do business together ought not to be expected. ** On the U.S. Congress, in his ''Autobiography'' (6 January 1821) * '''Let the eye of vigilance never be closed.''' ** Letter to [[w:Spencer Roane|Spencer Roane]] (9 March 1821) * And even should the cloud of barbarism and despotism again obscure the science and libraries of Europe, this country remains to preserve and restore light and liberty to them. In short, the flames kindled on the fourth of July, 1776, have spread over too much of the globe to be extinguished by the feeble engines of despotism; on the contrary, they will consume these engines and all who work them. ** Letter to [[John Adams]] (12 September 1821) * Where the preamble declares, that coercion is a departure from the plan of the holy author of our religion, an amendment was proposed by inserting "Jesus Christ," so that it would read "A departure from the plan of Jesus Christ, the holy author of our religion;" the insertion was rejected by the great majority, in proof that they meant to comprehend, within the mantle of its protection, the Jew and the Gentile, the Christian and Mohammedan, the Hindoo and Infidel of every denomination. ** Referring to the Virginia Act for Religious Freedom, in his ''Autobiography'' (1821) * Were we directed from Washington when to sow and when to reap, we should soon want bread. ** ''Autobiography'' (1821), reprinted in ''Basic Writings of Thomas Jefferson'', ed. Philip S. Foner, New York: Wiley Book Company (1944} p. 464 * Nothing is more certainly written in the book of fate than that these people are to be free. Nor is it less certain that the two races, equally free, cannot live in the same government. Nature, habit, opinion has drawn indelible lines of distinction between them. It is still in our power to direct the process of emancipation and deportation peaceably and in such slow degree as that the evil will wear off insensibly, and their place be pari passu filled up by free white laborers. If on the contrary it is left to force itself on, human nature must shudder at the prospect held up. ** ''Autobiography'' (1821) in notes describing some of the debates of 1779 on slavery, quoted in ''The Writings of Thomas Jefferson'' (1843), p. 49 * '''The doctrines of [[Jesus]] are simple, and tend all to the happiness of man.''' :: 1. That there is one only God, and he all perfect. :: 2. That there is a future state of rewards and punishments. :: 3. That to love God with all thy heart and thy neighbor as thyself, is the sum of religion. : These are the great points on which he endeavored to reform the religion of the Jews. But compare with these the demoralizing dogmas of [[John Calvin|Calvin]]. :: 1. That there are three Gods. :: 2. That good works, or the love of our neighbor, are nothing. :: 3. That faith is every thing, and the more incomprehensible the proposition, the more merit in its faith. :: 4. That reason in religion is of unlawful use. :: 5. That God, from the beginning, elected certain individuals to be saved, and certain others to be damned; and that no crimes of the former can damn them; no virtues of the latter save. : Now, which of these is the true and charitable Christian? He who believes and acts on the simple doctrines of Jesus? Or the impious dogmatists, as [[w:Athanasius|Athanasius]] and Calvin? Verily I say these are the false shepherds foretold as to enter not by the door into the sheepfold, but to climb up some other way. They are mere usurpers of the Christian name, teaching a counter-religion made up of the deliria of crazy imaginations, as foreign from Christianity as is that of [[Muhammad|Mahomet]]. '''Their blasphemies have driven thinking men into infidelity, who have too hastily rejected the supposed author himself, with the horrors so falsely imputed to him. Had the doctrines of Jesus been preached always as pure as they came from his lips, the whole civilized world would now have been Christian.''' I rejoice that in this blessed country of free inquiry and belief, which has surrendered its creed and conscience to neither kings nor priests, the genuine doctrine of one only God is reviving, and I trust that there is not a young man now living in the United States who will not die an [[w:Unitarianism|Unitarian]].''' :* [[w:Thomas Jefferson|Thomas Jefferson]], letter to [[w:Benjamin Waterhouse|Benjamin Waterhouse]] (26 June 1822), published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&nbsp;York: G.&nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-12_Bk.pdf Vol.&nbsp;12], pp.&nbsp;241–243 * They might need a preparatory discourse on the text of 'prove all things, hold fast that which is good,' in order to unlearn the lesson that reason is an unlawful guide in religion. They might startle on being first awaked from the dreams of the night, but they would rub their eyes at once, and look the spectres boldly in the face. ** Letter to Benjamin Waterhouse (19 July 1822), published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&nbsp;York: G.&nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-12_Bk.pdf Vol.&nbsp;12], p.&nbsp;244 * In our university [of Virginia] you know there is no Professorship of Divinity. A handle has been made of this, to disseminate an idea that this is an institution, not merely of no religion, but against all religion. Occasion was taken at the last meeting of the Visitors, to bring forward an idea that might silence this calumny, which weighed on the minds of some honest friends to the institution. ** Letter to [[w:Thomas Cooper (US politician)|Thomas Cooper]] (3 November 1822), published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&nbsp;York: G.&nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-12_Bk.pdf Vol.&nbsp;12], p.&nbsp;272 * '''No historical fact is better established, than that the doctrine of one God, pure and uncompounded, was that of the early ages of Christianity ... Nor was the unity of the Supreme Being ousted from the Christian creed by the force of reason, but by the sword of civil government, wielded at the will of the fanatic Athanasius.''' The hocus-pocus phantasm of a God like another Cerberus, with one body and three heads, had its birth and growth in the blood of thousands of martyrs ... The Athanasian paradox that one is three, and three but one, is so incomprehensible to the human mind, that no candid man can say he has any idea of it, and how can he believe what presents no idea? He who thinks he does, only deceives himself. He proves, also, that '''man, once surrendering his reason, has no remaining guard against absurdities the most monstrous, and like a ship without rudder, is the sport of every wind. With such person, gullibility which they call faith, takes the helm from the hand of reason, and the mind becomes a wreck.''' ** Letter to James Smith (1822) * I can never join [[John Calvin|Calvin]] in addressing ''his god''. He was indeed an Atheist, which I can never be; or rather his religion was Daemonism. If ever man worshipped a false god, he did. The being described in his 5 points is not the God whom you and I acknowledge and adore, the Creator and benevolent governor of the world; but a daemon of malignant spirit. It would be more pardonable to believe in no god at all, than to blaspheme him by the atrocious attributes of Calvin. Indeed I think that every Christian sect gives a great handle to Atheism by their general dogma that, without a revelation, there would not be sufficient proof of the being of a god. ** [http://www.stephenjaygould.org/ctrl/jefferson_adams.html Letter] to [[John Adams]] (11 April 1823) [http://memory.loc.gov/master/mss/mtj/mtj1/053/0800/0841.jpg (Scan at The Library of Congress)] * '''The truth is, that the greatest enemies of the doctrine of Jesus are those, calling themselves the expositors of them, who have perverted them to the structure of a system of fancy absolutely incomprehensible, and without any foundation in his genuine words. And the day will come when the mystical generation of Jesus, by the supreme being as his father in the womb of a virgin will be classed with the fable of the generation of Minerva in the brain of Jupiter ... But may we hope that the dawn of reason and freedom of thought in these United States will do away with this artificial scaffolding, and restore to us the primitive and genuine doctrines of this most venerated reformer of human errors.''' ** [http://www.stephenjaygould.org/ctrl/jefferson_adams.html Letter] to [[John Adams]] (11 April 1823) [http://memory.loc.gov/master/mss/mtj/mtj1/053/0800/0844.jpg (Scan at The Library of Congress)] * The Constitution of the United States asserts that all power is inherent in the people; that they may exercise it by themselves; that it is their right and duty. ** Letter to Justice William Johnson (1823) * To constrain the brute force of the people, the European governments deem it necessary to keep them down by hard labor, poverty and ignorance, and to take from them, as from bees, so much of their earnings, as that unremitting labor shall be necessary to obtain a sufficient surplus to sustain a scanty and miserable life. ** Letter to Justice William Johnson (12 June 1823) * I agree with you that it is the duty of every good citizen to use all the opportunities, which occur to him, for preserving documents relating to the history of our country. ** Letter to Hugh P. Taylor (4 October 1823) * An hereditary chief, strictly limited, the right of war vested in the legislative body, a rigid economy of the public contributions, and absolute interdiction of all useless expenses, will go far towards keeping the government honest and unoppressive. But '''the only security of all is in a free press. The force of public opinion cannot be resisted, when permitted freely to be expressed. The agitation it produces must be submitted to. It is necessary, to keep the waters pure.''' ** [http://www.constitution.org/tj/jeff10.txt Letter to Marquis de la Fayette] (November 4, 1823); in: ''The Writings of Thomas Jefferson'', Memorial Edition (ME) (Lipscomb and Bergh, editors), 20 Vols., Washington, D.C., 1903-04, Volume 15, page 491 * I thank you, Sir, for the copy you were so kind as to send me of the revd. Mr. Bancroft's Unitarian sermons. '''I have read them with great satisfaction, and always rejoice in efforts to restore us to primitive Christianity, in all the [[simplicity]] in which it came from the lips of [[Jesus]].''' Had it never been sophisticated by the subtleties of Commentators, nor paraphrased into [[meanings]] totally foreign to its [[character]], it would at this day have been the [[religion]] of the whole civilized [[world]]. But the metaphysical abstractions of [[Athanasius]], and the maniac ravings of [[Calvin]], tinctured plentifully with the foggy dreams of [[Plato]], have so loaded it with [[absurdities]] and incomprehensibilities, as to drive into infidelity men who had not [[time]], [[patience]], or [[opportunity]] to strip it of its meretricious trappings[.] ** Letter to [[w:John Davis|John Davis]] (18 January 1824). Published in [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson in Twelve Volumes''], Federal Edition, [[w:Paul Leicester Ford|Paul Leicester Ford]], ed., New&nbsp;York: G.&nbsp;P. Putnam's Sons, 1904, [http://oll.libertyfund.org/Texts/Jefferson0136/Works/0054-12_Bk.pdf Vol.&nbsp;12], pp.&nbsp;331–332 * '''Men by their constitutions are naturally divided into two parties: 1. Those who fear and distrust the people, and wish to draw all powers from them into the hands of the higher classes. 2. Those who identify themselves with the people, have confidence in them, cherish and consider them as the most honest and safe, although not the most wise depositary of the public interests. In every country these two parties exist, and in every one where they are free to think, speak, and write, they will declare themselves.''' Call them, therefore, liberals and serviles, Jacobins and Ultras, whigs and tories, republicans and federalists, aristocrats and democrats, or by whatever name you please, they are the same parties still and pursue the same object. '''The last appellation of aristocrats and democrats is the true one expressing the essence of all.''' ** Letter to Henry Lee (10 August 1824) * I think myself that we have more machinery of government than is necessary, too many parasites living on the labor of the industrious. ** Letter to William Ludlow (6 September 1824) * It is between fifty and sixty years since I read it, and I then considered it merely the ravings of a maniac, no more worthy nor capable of explanation than the incoherences of our own nightly dreams. ... what has no meaning admits no explanation. ** Letter to General [[w:Alexander Smyth|Alexander Smyth]], on the book of ''Revelation'' (or ''The Apocalypse'' of St. John the Divine) (17 January 1825) [http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2005/02/04/opinion/main671823.shtml] * "A Decalogue of Canons for Observation in Practical Life" # Never put off till tomorrow what you can do to-day. # Never trouble another for what you can do yourself. # Never spend your money before you have it. # Never buy what you do not want, because it is cheap; it will be dear to you. # Pride costs us more than hunger, thirst and cold. # We never repent of having eaten too little. # Nothing is troublesome that we do willingly. # How much pain have cost us the evils which have never happened. # Take things always by their smooth handle. # When angry, count ten before you speak; if very angry, an hundred. :* [http://wiki.monticello.org/mediawiki/index.php?title=Canons_of_Conduct&printable=yes Letter to the infant Thomas Jefferson Smith] (21 February 1825) ([http://memory.loc.gov/master/mss/mtj/mtj1/054/1200/1268.jpg Image at Library of Congress]) * Some are whigs, liberals, democrats, call them what you please. Others are tories, serviles, aristocrats, &c. The latter fear the people, and wish to transfer all power to the higher classes of society; the former consider the people as the safest depository of power in the last resort; they cherish them therefore, and wish to leave in them all the powers to the exercise of which they are competent. ** [http://www.monticello.org/site/jefferson/when-government-fears-people-there-libertyquotation Letter to William Short] (1825) * An opinion prevails that there is no longer any distinction, that the republicans & Federalists are completely amalgamated but it is not so. The amalgamation is of name only, not of principle. All indeed call themselves by the name of Republicans, because that of Federalists was extinguished in the battle of New Orleans. But the truth is that finding that monarchy is a desperate wish in this country, they rally to the point which they think next best, a consolidated government. Their aim is now therefore to break down the rights reserved by the constitution to the states as a bulwark against that consolidation, the fear of which produced the whole of the opposition to the constitution at its birth. Hence new Republicans in Congress, preaching the doctrines of the old Federalists, and the new nick-names of Ultras and Radicals. But I trust they will fail under the new, as the old name, and that the friends of the real constitution and union will prevail against consolidation, as they have done against monarchism. '''I scarcely know myself which is most to be deprecated, a consolidation, or dissolution of the states. The horrors of both are beyond the reach of human foresight.''' ** Letter to William B. Giles (26 December 1825) * The good old Dominion, the blessed mother of us all. ** "Thoughts on Lotteries" (1826) *You will recollect that before the Revolution, [[w:Coke on Littleton|Coke Littleton]] was the universal elementary book of law students, and a sounder [[w:Whigs (British political party)|Whig]] never wrote, nor of profounder learning in the orthodox doctrines of the British constitution, or in what were called English liberties. You remember also that our lawyers were then all Whigs. But when his black-letter text, and uncouth, but cunning learning got out of fashion, and the honeyed [[William Murray, 1st Earl of Mansfield|Mansfieldism]] of [[William Blackstone|Blackstone]] became the students' hornbook, from that moment, that profession (the nursery of our Congress) began to slide into [[w:Tory|toryism]], and nearly all the young brood of lawyers now are of that hue. They suppose themselves, indeed, to be Whigs, because they no longer know what [[w:Whiggism|Whigism]] or republicanism means. **Letter to [[James Madison]] (February 17, 1826), quoted in ''The Writings of Thomas Jefferson, Vol. XVI'' (1905; 1907), p. 156 * '''There is not a [[truth]] existing which I [[fear]] or would wish unknown to the whole [[world]].''' ** Letter to [[Henry Lee]] (15 May 1826) * '''May it be to the world, what I believe it will be, (to some parts sooner, to others later, but finally to all), the signal of arousing men to burst the chains under which monkish ignorance and superstition had persuaded them to bind themselves, and to assume the blessings and security of self-government.''' ** Letter to Roger C. Weightman, on the decision for Independence made in 1776, often quoted as if in reference solely to the document the ''Declaration of Independence'' (24 June 1826) * '''All eyes are opened, or opening, to the rights of man. The general spread of the light of science has already laid open to every view the palpable truth, that the mass of mankind has not been born with saddles on their backs, nor a favored few booted and spurred, ready to ride them legitimately, by the grace of God. '''These are grounds of hope for others. For ourselves, let the annual return of this day forever refresh our recollections of these rights, and an undiminished devotion to them. ** [http://www.rjgeib.com/thoughts/jefferson/jefferson.html Letter to Roger C. Weightman''], declining to attend July 4th ceremonies in Washington D.C. celebrating the 50th anniversary of Independence, because of his health. This was [http://www.rjgeib.com/thoughts/jefferson/jefferson.html Jefferson's last letter]. (24 June 1826) * Life's visions are vanished, it's [[dreams]] are no more.<br>Dear friends of my bosom, why bathed in tears?<br>I go to my fathers; I welcome the shore,<br>which crowns all my hopes, or which buries my cares.<br>Then farewell my dear, my lov'd daughter, Adieu!<br>The last pang in life is in parting from you.<br>Two [[Angels|Seraphs]] await me, long shrouded in [[death]];<br>I will bear them your love on my last parting breath. ** "''A death-bed Adieu from Th. J. to M. R.''" Jefferson's poem to his eldest child, [[w:Martha Jefferson Randolph|Martha "Patsy" Randolph]], written during his last illness in 1826. [http://www.loc.gov/rr/program/bib/prespoetry/tj.html] Two days before his death, Jefferson told Martha that in a certain drawer in an old pocket book she would find something intended for her. [https://books.google.com/books?id=1F3fPa1LWVQC&pg=PA429&dq=%22in+a+certain+drawer+in+an+old+pocket+book%22&hl=en&sa=X&ei=NDa2VJX_OYOeNtCpg8gM&ved=0CCQQ6AEwAQ#v=onepage&q=%22in%20a%20certain%20drawer%20in%20an%20old%20pocket%20book%22&f=false] The "two seraphs" refer to Jefferson's deceased wife and younger daughter. His wife, [[w:Martha Jefferson| Martha]] (nicknamed "Patty"), died in 1782; his daughter [[w:Mary Jefferson Eppes|Mary]] (nicknamed "Polly" and also "Maria," died in 1804 * '''This is the Fourth?''' ** Last words (Jefferson died on 4 July 1826, the 50th anniversary of the signing of the Declaration of Independence) ** A few accounts declare that he asked on the night of the third:'' "Is it the fourth?" '' Most accounts declare the cited words were his last, and that he died a few hours before [[John Adams]], whose last words are reported to have been: ''"Thomas — Jefferson — still surv — "'' or ''"Thomas Jefferson still survives."''. ==== Letter to A. Coray (1823) ==== [[File:Thomas Jefferson.PNG|thumb|The equal [[rights]] of man, and the [[happiness]] of every [[individual]] ... are the only legitimate objects of [[government]].]] [[File:Schevill Karl Bitter Thomas Jefferson University of Virginia.jpg|thumb|In [[truth]], man is not made to be trusted for [[life]], if secured against all liability to account.]] [[File:Freedomofthepressstamp.jpg|thumb| This formidable [[censor]] of the public functionaries, by arraigning them at the tribunal of public [[opinion]], produces reform peaceably, which must otherwise be done by [[revolution]]. It is also the best instrument for [[enlightening]] the [[mind]] of man, and improving him as a rational, moral, and social being.]] : <small>Thomas Jefferson's letter to A. Coray a.k.a. Adamantios Koraes (a greek who published modern version of Greek classics to promote the [[w:Greek War of Independence|Greek revolutionary cause]]) from October 31, 1823 was [http://books.google.de/books?id=VGj4SzVoCfYC&pg=PA52&lpg=PA52&dq=thomas+jefferson+to+coray+Oct+31,+1823&source=bl&ots=OLDZHs_yDg&sig=Vqzqf_GegZqCG2TfCgdiX8Ttx30&hl=de&sa=X&ei=GLT6UJIbiOyyBuSIgGA&ved=0CH0Q6AEwCQ#v=onepage&q=thomas%20jefferson%20to%20coray%20Oct%2031%2C%201823&f=false a response to Koraes's gift] of his editions of Aristotele's ''Ethics'' and Onesander's ''Strategicos''. [http://www.constitution.org/tj/jeff15.txt The letter can be found in ''The Writings of Thomas Jefferson'', edited by Andrew A Lipscomb and William Elery Bergh, 20 volumes (Washington, D.C.: Thomas Jefferson Memorial Foundation, 1901-04), at pages 480-490 of volume 15.] In the letter Jefferson gives "you [[w:Federalism in the United States|some – thoughts on the subject of national government.]]"</small> * '''The equal [[rights]] of man, and the [[happiness]] of every [[individual]], are now acknowledged to be the only legitimate objects of [[government]].''' Modern times have the signal advantage, too, of having discovered '''the only device by which these rights can be secured, to wit: government by the people, acting not in person, but by representatives chosen by themselves, that is to say; by every man of ripe years and sane mind, who either contributes by his purse or person to the support of his country.''' * The small and imperfect mixture of representative government in England, impeded as it is by other branches, aristocratical and hereditary, shows yet the power of the representative principle towards improving the condition of man. With us, all the branches of the government are elective by the people themselves, except the judiciary, of whose science and qualifications they are not competent judges. Yet, even in that department, we call in a jury of the people to decide all controverted matters of fact, because to that investigation they are entirely competent, leaving thus as little as possible, merely the law of the case, to the decision of the judges. And true it is that '''the people, especially when moderately instructed, are the only safe, because the only honest, depositories of the public rights, and should therefore be introduced into the administration of them in every function to which they are sufficient; they will err sometimes and accidentally, but never designedly, and with a systematic and persevering purpose of overthrowing the free principles of the government. Hereditary bodies, on the contrary, always existing, always on the watch for their own aggrandizement, profit of every opportunity of advancing the privileges of their order, and encroaching on the rights of the people.''' * The extent of our country was so great, and its former division into distinct States so established, that we thought it better to confederate as to foreign affairs only. Every State retained its self-government in domestic matters, as better qualified to direct them to the good and satisfaction of their citizens, than a general government so distant from its remoter citizens, and so little familiar with the local peculiarities of the different parts. [...] There are now twenty-four of these distinct States, none smaller perhaps than your Morea, several larger than all Greece. Each of these has a constitution framed by itself and for itself, but militating in nothing with the powers of the General Government in its appropriate department of war and foreign affairs. These constitutions being in print and in every hand, I shall only make brief observations on them, and on those provisions particularly which have not fulfilled expectations, or which, being varied in different States, leave a choice to be made of that which is best. You will find much good in all of them, and no one which would be approved in all its parts. Such indeed are the different circumstances, prejudices, and habits of different nations, that the constitution of no one would be reconcilable to any other in every point. A judicious selection of the parts of each suitable to any other, is all which prudence should attempt [...]. * For if experience has ever taught a truth, it is that '''a plurality in the supreme Executive will forever split into discordant factions, distract the nation, annihilate its energies, and force the nation to rally under a single head, generally an usurper.''' We have, I think, fallen on the happiest of all modes of constituting the Executive, that of easing and aiding our President, by permitting him to choose Secretaries of State, of Finance, of War, and of the Navy, with whom he may advise, either separately or all together, and remedy their divisions by adopting or controlling their opinions at his discretion; this saves the nation from the evils of a divided will, and secures to it a steady march in the systematic course which the President may have adopted for that of his administration. * '''Our different States have differently modified their several judiciaries as to the tenure of office. Some appoint their judges for a given term of time; some continue them during good behavior, and that to be determined on by the concurring vote of two-thirds of each legislative House.''' In England they are removable by a majority only of each House. The last is a practicable remedy; the second is not. The combination of the friends and associates of the accused, the action of personal and party passions, and the sympathies of the human heart, will forever find means of influencing one-third of either the one or the other House, will thus secure their impunity, and establish them in fact for life. '''The first remedy is the best, that of appointing for a term of years only, with a capacity of reappointment if their conduct has been approved.''' * '''At the establishment of our constitutions, the judiciary bodies were supposed to be the most helpless and harmless members of the government. Experience, however, soon showed in what way they were to become the most dangerous; that the insufficiency of the means provided for their removal gave them a freehold and irresponsibility in office; that their decisions, seeming to concern individual suitors only, pass silent and unheeded by the public at large; that these decisions, nevertheless, become law by precedent, sapping, by little and little, the foundations of the constitution, and working its change by construction, before any one has perceived that that invisible and helpless worm has been busily employed in consuming its substance. In truth, man is not made to be trusted for life, if secured against all liability to account.''' * But, '''whatever be the constitution, great care must be taken to provide a mode of amendment, when experience or change of circumstances shall have manifested that any part of it is unadapted to the good of the nation.''' In some of our States it requires a new authority from the whole people, acting by their representatives, chosen for this express purpose, and assembled in convention. This is found ' too difficult for remedying the imperfections which experience develops from time to time in an organization of the first impression. A greater facility of amendment is certainly requisite to maintain it in a course of action accommodated to the times and changes through which we are ever passing. In England the constitution may be altered by a single act of the legislature, which amounts to the having no constitution at all. '''In some of our States, an act passed by two different legislatures, chosen by the people, at different and successive elections, is sufficient to make a change in the constitution. As this mode may be rendered more or less easy, by requiring the approbation of fewer or more successive legislatures, according to the degree of difficulty thought sufficient, and yet safe, it is evidently the best principle which can be adopted for constitutional amendments.''' * I have stated that the constitutions of our several States vary more or less in some particulars. But '''there are certain principles''' in which all agree, and '''which all cherish as vitally essential to the protection of the life, liberty, property, and safety of the citizen''': # '''[[w:Freedom of religion|Freedom of religion]]''', restricted only from acts of trespass on that of others. # '''[[w:Political freedom|Freedom of person]]''', securing every one from imprisonment, or other bodily restraint, but by the laws of the land. This is effected by the well-known law of [[w:Habeas Corpus|habeas corpus]]. # '''[[w:Jury_trial|Trial by jury]], the best of all safeguards for the person, the property, and the fame of every individual.''' # '''The exclusive right of legislation and taxation in the representatives of the people'''. # '''[[w:Freedom of the press|Freedom of the press]]''', subject only to liability for personal injuries. '''This formidable censor of the public functionaries, by arraigning them at the tribunal of public opinion, produces reform peaceably, which must otherwise be done by revolution. It is also the best instrument for enlightening the mind of man, and improving him as a rational, moral, and social being.''' ==== Letter to Frances Wright (1825) ==== : <small>[http://alexpeak.com/twr/jefferson/#1784 Letter to Frances Wright (7 August 1825)]</small> * The abolition of [[Slavery|the evil]] is not impossible; it ought never therefore to be despaired of. Every plan should be adopted, every experiment tried, which may do something towards [[Freedom|the ultimate object]]. === Posthumous publications === [[File:General George Washington Resigning his Commission.jpg|thumb|I have ever deemed it more honorable and profitable, too, to set a good example than to follow a bad one.]] [[File:Thomas Jefferson's Grab.JPG|thumb|Here was buried Thomas Jefferson, author of the Declaration of American Independence, of the Statute of Virginia for Religious Freedom, and Father of the University of Virginia.]] * '''It is not by the consolidation or concentration, of powers, but by their distribution that good government is effected.''' ** ''Memoirs, Correspondence and Private Papers of Thomas Jefferson'' (1829) edited by Thomas Jefferson Randolph, p. 70 * The religion-builders have so distorted and deformed the doctrines of [[Jesus]], so muffled them in mysticisms, fancies and falsehoods, have caricatured them into forms so monstrous and inconceivable, as to shock reasonable thinkers. ... Happy in the prospect of a restoration of primitive Christianity, I must leave to younger athletes to encounter and lop off the false branches which have been engrafted into it by the mythologists of the middle and modern ages. ** ''The Writings of Thomas Jefferson'' (1853-1854), edited by H. A. Washington, Vol. 7, pp. 210, 257 * '''I have ever deemed it more honorable and profitable, too, to set a good example than to follow a bad one.''' ** As quoted in ''The Life and Writings of Thomas Jefferson : Including All of His Important Utterances on Public Questions'' (1900) by Samuel E. Forman, p. 429 * I never consider a difference of opinion in politics, in religion, in philosophy, as cause for withdrawing from a friend. ** As quoted in ''The Life and Writings of Thomas Jefferson : Including All of His Important Utterances on Public Questions'' (1900) by Samuel E. Forman, p. 429 * Good wine is a necessity of life for me. ** As quoted in ''The Man from Monticello : An Intimate Life of Thomas Jefferson'' (1969) by Thomas J. Fleming, p. 250 * '''Here was buried Thomas Jefferson, author of the Declaration of American Independence, of the Statute of Virginia for Religious Freedom, and Father of the University of Virginia.''' ** Epitaph, upon his instructions to erect a ''"a plain die or cube ... surmounted by an Obelisk"'' with ''"the following inscription, and not a word more...because by these, as testimonials that I have lived, I wish most to be remembered."'' It omits that he had been President of the United States, a position of political power and prestige, and celebrates his involvement in the creation of the means of inspiration and instruction by which many human lives have been liberated from oppression and ignorance. ==== On financial matters ==== : <small>This section was added by an editor primarily citing ''The Writings of Thomas Jefferson'' Memorial Edition (Lipscomb and Bergh, editors) (ME) 20 Vols., Washington, D.C. (1903-04) as the source. </small> <!-- further dating of the letters cited, rather than their serial classification would be helpful --> [[File:Thomas Jefferson commerative silver dollar.png|thumb|The idea of creating a national bank I do not concur in, because it seems now decided that Congress has not that power...]] [[File:Thomas Jefferson Presidential $1 Coin obverse.png|thumb|I am an enemy to all banks discounting bills or notes for anything but coin.]] [[File:US $2 1918 Federal Reserve Bank Note.jpg|thumb|Necessity, as well as patriotism and confidence, will make us all eager to receive treasury notes, if founded on specific taxes.]] [[File:US $2 obverse-high.jpg|thumb|There can be no safer deposit on earth than the Treasury of the United States.]] * The incorporation of a bank and the powers assumed [by legislation doing so] have not, in my opinion, been delegated to the United States by the Constitution. They are not among the powers specially enumerated. ** [http://www.yamaguchy.netfirms.com/7897401/jefferson/natbank.html ''Opinion on the Constitutionality of the Bill for Establishing a National Bank., 1791.''] ME 3:146 * The government of the United States have no idea of paying their debt in a depreciated medium, and... in the final liquidation of the payments which shall have been made, due regard will be had to an equitable allowance for the circumstance of depreciation. ** Letter to Jean Baptiste de Ternant, 1791. ME 8:247 * I wish it were possible to obtain a single amendment to our Constitution. I would be willing to depend on that alone for the reduction of the administration of our government to the genuine principles of its Constitution; I mean an additional article, taking from the federal government the power of borrowing. ** Letter to [[w:John Taylor (1770-1832)|John Taylor]] (26 November 1798), shortened in ''The Money Masters'' to "I wish it were possible to obtain a single amendment to our Constitution ... taking from the federal government their power of borrowing". * The monopoly of a single bank is certainly an evil. The multiplication of them was intended to cure it; but it multiplied an influence of the same character with the first, and completed the supplanting the precious metals by a paper circulation. Between such parties the less we meddle the better. ** Letter to Albert Gallatin, 1802. ME 10:323 * In order to be able to meet a general combination of the banks against us in a critical emergency, could we not make a beginning towards an independent use of our own money, towards holding our own bank in all the deposits where it is received, and letting the treasurer give his draft or note for payment at any particular place, which, in a well-conducted government, ought to have as much credit as any private draft or bank note or bill, and would give us the same facilities which we derive from the banks? ** [http://www.yamaguchy.netfirms.com/7897401/jefferson/gallatin.html ''Letter to Albert Gallatin, 1803.''] ME 10:439 * [The] Bank of the United States... is one of the most deadly hostility existing, against the principles and form of our Constitution... An institution like this, penetrating by its branches every part of the Union, acting by command and in phalanx, may, in a critical moment, upset the government. I deem no government safe which is under the vassalage of any self-constituted authorities, or any other authority than that of the nation, or its regular functionaries. What an obstruction could not this bank of the United States, with all its branch banks, be in time of war! It might dictate to us the peace we should accept, or withdraw its aids. Ought we then to give further growth to an institution so powerful, so hostile? ** Letter to Albert Gallatin, 1803. ME 10:437 * The principle of rotation... in the body of [bank] directors... breaks in upon the esprit de corps so apt to prevail in permanent bodies; it gives a chance for the public eye penetrating into the sanctuary of those proceedings and practices, which the avarice of the directors may introduce for their personal emolument, and which the resentments of excluded directors, or the honesty of those duly admitted, might betray to the public; and it gives an opportunity at the end of the year, or at other periods, of correcting a choice, which on trial, proves to have been unfortunate. ** Letter to Albert Gallatin, 1803. ME 10:437 * It has always been denied by the republican party in this country, that the Constitution had given the power of incorporation to Congress. On the establishment of the Bank of the United States, this was the great ground on which that establishment was combated; and the party prevailing supported it only on the argument of its being an incident to the power given them for raising money. ** Letter to Dr. Maese, 1809. ME 12:231 * That we are overdone with banking institutions which have banished the precious metals and substituted a more fluctuating and unsafe medium, that these have withdrawn capital from useful improvements and employments to nourish idleness, that the wars of the world have swollen our commerce beyond the wholesome limits of exchanging our own productions for our own wants, and that, for the emolument of a small proportion of our society who prefer these demoralizing pursuits to labors useful to the whole, the peace of the whole is endangered and all our present difficulties produced, are evils more easily to be deplored than remedied. ** Letter to Abbe Salimankis, 1810. ME 12:379 * The idea of creating a national bank I do not concur in, because it seems now decided that Congress has not that power (although I sincerely wish they had it exclusively), and because I think there is already a vast redundancy rather than a scarcity of paper medium. ** Letter to Thomas Law, 1813. FE 9:433 * Everything predicted by the enemies of banks, in the beginning, is now coming to pass. We are to be ruined now by the deluge of bank paper. It is cruel that such revolutions in private fortunes should be at the mercy of avaricious adventurers, who, instead of employing their capital, if any they have, in manufactures, commerce, and other useful pursuits, make it an instrument to burden all the interchanges of property with their swindling profits, profits which are the price of no useful industry of theirs. ** Letter to Thomas Cooper, 1814. ME 14:61 * I am an enemy to all banks discounting bills or notes for anything but coin. ** Letter to Thomas Cooper, 1814. ME 14:61 * Necessity, as well as patriotism and confidence, will make us all eager to receive treasury notes, if founded on specific taxes. Congress may borrow of the public, and without interest, all the money they may want, to the amount of a competent circulation, by merely issuing their own promissory notes, of proper denominations for the larger purposes of circulation, but not for the small. Leave that door open for the entrance of metallic money. ** Letter to Thomas Cooper, 1814. ME 14:189 * The State legislatures should be immediately urged to relinquish the right of establishing banks of discount. Most of them will comply, on patriotic principles, under the convictions of the moment; and the non-complying may be crowded into concurrence by legitimate devices. ** Letter to Thomas Cooper, 1814. ME 14:190 * Instead of funding issues of paper on the hypothecation of specific redeeming taxes (the only method of anticipating, in a time of war, the resources of times of peace, tested by the experience of nations), we are trusting to tricks of jugglers on the cards, to the illusions of banking schemes for the resources of the war, and for the cure of colic to inflations of more wind. ** Letter to [[w:José Correia da Serra|José Correia da Serra]] (1814) ME 14:224 * Treasury notes of small as well as high denomination, bottomed on a tax which would redeem them in ten years, would place at our disposal the whole circulating medium of the United States... The public... ought never more to permit its being filched from them by private speculators and disorganizers of the circulation. ** Letter to William H. Crawford, 1815. ME 14:242 * I hope we shall... crush in it’s birth the aristocracy of our monied corporations which dare already to challenge our government to a trial of strength and bid defiance to the laws of our country ** [http://memory.loc.gov/master/mss/mtj/mtj1/049/0600/0642.jpg''Letter to George Logan, 1816''] * Put down the banks, and if this country could not be carried through the longest war against her most powerful enemy without ever knowing the want of a dollar, without dependence on the traitorous classes of her citizens, without bearing hard on the resources of the people, or loading the public with an indefinite burden of debt, I know nothing of my countrymen. Not by any novel project, not by any ''charlatanerie'', but by ordinary and well-experienced means; by the total prohibition of all private paper at all times, by reasonable taxes in war aided by the necessary emissions of public paper of circulating size, this bottomed on special taxes, redeemable annually as this special tax comes in, and finally within a moderate period. ** [http://www.yamaguchy.netfirms.com/7897401/jefferson/gallatin1.html ''Letter to Albert Gallatin, 1815.''] ME 14:356 * Our people... will give you all the necessaries of war they produce, if, instead of the bankrupt trash they now are obliged to receive for want of any other, you will give them a paper promise funded on a specific pledge, and of a size for common circulation. ** Letter to James Monroe, 1815. ME 14:228 * The system of banking we have both equally and ever reprobated. I contemplate it as a blot left in all our constitutions, which, if not covered, will end in their destruction, which is already hit by the gamblers in corruption, and is sweeping away in its progress the fortunes and morals of our citizens. ** [http://www.yamaguchy.netfirms.com/7897401/jefferson/jefftaylor.html ''Letter to John Taylor''] (28 May 1816): The Writings of Thomas Jefferson "Memorial Edition" (20 Vols., 1903-04) edited by Andrew A. Lipscomb and Albert Ellery Bergh, Vol. 15, p. 18) * The bank mania is one of the most threatening of these imitations. It is raising up a moneyed aristocracy in our country which has already set the government at defiance, and although forced at length to yield a little on this first essay of their strength, their principles are unyielded and unyielding. These have taken deep root in the hearts of that class from which our legislators are drawn, and the sop to Cerberus from fable has become history. Their principles lay hold of the good, their pelf of the bad, and thus those whom the Constitution had placed as guards to its portals, are sophisticated or suborned from their duties. ** Letter to Josephus B. Stuart (May 10, 1817) ME 15:112; reported in ''The Writings of Thomas Jefferson'', ed. Andrew A. Lipscomb (1904), vol. 15, p. 112 * Nearly all of it is now called in by the banks, who have the regulation of the safety-valves of our fortunes, and who condense and explode them at their will. ** [http://www.yamaguchy.netfirms.com/7897401/jefferson/1819.html Letter to John Adams (1819)] ME 15:224 * Certainly no nation ever before abandoned to the avarice and jugglings of private individuals to regulate according to their own interests, the quantum of circulating medium for the nation — to inflate, by deluges of paper, the nominal prices of property, and then to buy up that property at 1s. in the pound, having first withdrawn the floating medium which might endanger a competition in purchase. Yet this is what has been done, and will be done, unless stayed by the protecting hand of the legislature. The evil has been produced by the error of their sanction of this ruinous machinery of banks; and justice, wisdom, duty, all require that they should interpose and arrest it before the schemes of plunder and spoliation desolate the country. ** Letter to William C. Rives (1819) ME 15:232 * Put down all banks, admit none but a metallic circulation that will take its proper level with the like circulation in other countries, and then our manufacturers may work in fair competition with those of other countries, and the import duties which the government may lay for the purposes of revenue will so far place them above equal competition. ** Letter to Charles Pinckney (1820) ME 15:280 * There can be no safer deposit on earth than the Treasury of the United States. ** Letter to [[Gilbert du Motier, marquis de Lafayette]] (1825) ME 19:281 ==== On [[botany]] ==== * Botany is the school for patience, and it’s amateurs learn resignation from daily disappointments. ** Thomas Jefferson, in letter to Madame de Tessé (25 Apr 1788). In ''Thomas Jefferson Correspondence: Printed from the Originals'' (1916), 7. * There is not a sprig of grass that shoots uninteresting to me. ** Thomas Jefferson Letter (23 Dec 1790) to Martha Jefferson Randolph. Collected in B.L. Rayner (ed.), Sketches of the Life, Writings, and Opinions of Thomas Jefferson (1832), 192. * The naturalists, you know, distribute the history of nature into three kingdoms or departments: zoology, botany, mineralogy. Ideology, or mind, however, occupies so much space in the field of science, that we might perhaps erect it into a fourth kingdom or department. But inasmuch as it makes a part of the animal construction only, it would be more proper to subdivide zoology into physical and moral. ** Thomas Jefferson, Letter (24 Mar 1824) to Mr. Woodward. Collected in The Writings of Thomas Jefferson: Correspondence (1854), 339. * The greatest service which can be rendered any country is to add an useful plant to its culture; especially, a bread grain; next in value to bread is oil. ** Thomas Jefferson, ''In Memoir, Correspondence, and Miscellanies from the Papers of T. Jefferson'' (1829), Vol. 1, 144 == Attributed == * I have always said, and always will say, that the studious perusal of the sacred volume will make better citizens, better fathers, and better husbands. ** Attributed to Jefferson by Daniel Webster in a letter of 15 June 1852 addressed to Professor Pease, recalling a Sunday spent with Jefferson more than a quarter of a century before. * The habit of using ''ardent spirit'', by men in public office, has occasioned more injury to the public service, and more trouble to me, than any other circumstance which has occurred in the internal concerns of the country, during my administration. And were I to commence my administration again, with the knowledge which from experience I have acquired, the first question which I would ask, with regard to every candidate for public office, should be, "''Is he addicted to the use of ardent spirit?''" ** Attributed by an unnamed "distinguished officer of the United States Government" in the ''Sixth Report of the American Temperance Society'', May, 1833, [http://books.google.com/books?id=h_c0wbAOQ5kC&pg=PA237&dq=%22The+habit+of+using+ardent+spirit%22 pp. 10-11]. ** Later variant: Were I to commence my administration again,... the first question I would ask respecting a candidate would be, "Does he use ardent spirits?" * I allow nothing for losses by death, but, on the contrary, shall presently take credit four per cent. per annum, for their increase over and above keeping up their own numbers. ** On his profits from slavery as quoted in ''[http://www.smithsonianmag.com/history/the-dark-side-of-thomas-jefferson-35976004/ The Dark Side of Thomas Jefferson]'', by Henry Wiencek, ''Smithsonian Magazine'', (October 2012) * Children till 10. years old to serve as nurses. from 10. to 16. the boys make nails, the girls spin. at 16. go into the ground or learn trades. ** Jefferson's Farm Book as quoted in ''[http://www.smithsonianmag.com/history/the-dark-side-of-thomas-jefferson-35976004/ The Dark Side of Thomas Jefferson]'', by Henry Wiencek, ''Smithsonian Magazine'', (October 2012) * My new trade of nail-making is to me in this country what an additional title of nobility or the ensigns of a new order are in Europe ** As quoted in ''[http://www.smithsonianmag.com/history/the-dark-side-of-thomas-jefferson-35976004/ The Dark Side of Thomas Jefferson]'', by Henry Wiencek, ''Smithsonian Magazine'', (October 2012) * I forgot to ask the favor of you to speak to Lilly as to the treatment of the nailers. it would destroy their value in my estimation to degrade them in their own eyes by the whip. this therefore must not be resorted to but in extremities. as they will again be under my government, I would chuse they should retain the stimulus of character. ** Letter to colonel Randolph as quoted in ''[http://www.smithsonianmag.com/history/the-dark-side-of-thomas-jefferson-35976004/ The Dark Side of Thomas Jefferson]'', by Henry Wiencek, ''Smithsonian Magazine'', (October 2012) * I am quite at a loss about the nailboys remaining with mr Stewart. they have long been a dead expence instead of profit to me. in truth they require a vigour of discipline to make them do reasonable work, to which he cannot bring himself. on the whole I think it will be best for them also to be removed to mr Lilly’s [control]. ** In a letter to James Dinsmore as quoted in ''[http://www.smithsonianmag.com/history/the-dark-side-of-thomas-jefferson-35976004/ The Dark Side of Thomas Jefferson]'', by Henry Wiencek, ''Smithsonian Magazine'', (October 2012) * A child raised every 2. years is of more profit then the crop of the best laboring man. in this, as in all other cases, providence has made our duties and our interests coincide perfectly.... [W]ith respect therefore to our women & their children I must pray you to inculcate upon the overseers that it is not their labor, but their increase which is the first consideration with us. ** In letter to plantation manager, as quoted in ''[http://www.smithsonianmag.com/history/the-dark-side-of-thomas-jefferson-35976004/ The Dark Side of Thomas Jefferson]'', by Henry Wiencek, ''Smithsonian Magazine'', (October 2012) * Dispersed as the Jews are, they still form one nation, foreign to the land they live in. ** As quoted in ''The Americans'' by Daniel Boorstin. See ''[https://www.google.com.br/books/edition/Truth_from_the_Zog_Bog/Jrsic_27OCsC?gbpv=1&pg=PA81&printsec=frontcover Truth from the "Zog Bog"]'' by Gyeorgos Ceres Hatonn, 1993, 224 p. {{Disputed begin}} == Disputed == * '''In matters of style, swim with the current: in matters of principle, stand like a rock.''' ** As quoted in ''Careertracking: 26 success Shortcuts to the Top'' (1988) by James Calano and Jeff Salzman; though used in an address by [[Bill Clinton]] (31 March 1997), and sometimes cited to ''Notes on the State of Virginia'' (1787) no earlier occurence of this has yet been located. * I have recently been examining all the known superstitions of the world, and do not find in our particular superstition one redeeming feature. They are all alike founded on fables and mythology. ** Quoted in {{cite book | year = 1906 | title = Six Historic Americans | first = John E. | last = Remsburg | section = chapter 2 | location = New York | publisher = The Truth Seeker Company | ol = 13504056M | oclc = 2219498 | page = 74 | url = http://www.archive.org/details/sixhistoricameri00rems }}, who claimed it to be from a letter to "Dr. Woods." The full letter is never reproduced, and the Jefferson Foundation [http://www.monticello.org/site/jefferson/superstition-christianity-quotation lists] the quotation as spurious. {{Disputed end}} {{Misattributed begin}} == Misattributed == * When governments fear the people, there is liberty. When the people fear the government, there is tyranny. ** Variant: Where the people fear the government you have tyranny. Where the government fears the people you have liberty. ** First attributed to Jefferson in 1945, this does not appear in any known Jefferson document. [http://wiki.monticello.org/mediawiki/index.php/When_governments_fear_the_people,_there_is_liberty...(Quotation) When governments fear the people, there is liberty...], Thomas Jefferson Encyclopedia. It first appears in 1914, in {{cite book | last = Barnhill | first = John Basil | authorlink = John Basil Barnhill | chapter = Indictment of Socialism No. 3 | title = Barnhill-Tichenor Debate on Socialism | url = http://debs.indstate.edu/b262b3_1914.pdf | format = PDF | accessdate = 2008-10-16 | year = 1914 | publisher = National Rip-Saw Publishing | location = Saint Louis, Missouri | pages = p. 34 }} * The price of freedom is eternal vigilance. ** Often attributed to Jefferson, no original source for this has been found in his writings, and the earliest established source for similar remarks are those of [[w:John Philpot Curran|John Philpot Curran]] in a speech upon the Right of Election (1790), published in ''Speeches on the late very interesting State trials'' (1808): :: "It is the common fate of the indolent to see their rights become a prey to the active. '''The condition upon which God hath given liberty to man is eternal vigilance'''; which condition if he break, servitude is at once the consequence of his crime and the punishment of his guilt." :* In a biography of Major General James Jackson published in 1809, author Thomas Charlton wrote that one of the obligations of biographers of famous people is </br> :: "fastening upon the minds of the American people the belief, that ''''the price of liberty is eternal vigilance'''' " (in Thomas Usher Pulaski Charlton, [https://books.google.com.br/books?id=cEcSAAAAYAAJ&pg=PA85&redir_esc=y#v=onepage&q&f=false ''The life of Major General James Jackson'']; F.Randolph, & Co., 1809, p. 85). :* Variant: "'''Eternal vigilance is the price of liberty'''; power is ever stealing from the many to the few" (from a speech by [[Wendell Phillips]] at the Massachusetts Anti-Slavery Society on January 28, 1852; quoted by John Morley, ed., [https://books.google.com.br/books?id=VfjRAAAAMAAJ&pg=PA67&lpg=PA67&dq=%E2%80%9CEternal+vigilance+is+the+price+of+liberty.%E2%80%9D+phillips+speech+anti-slavery&source=bl&ots=H2f8ckIw9o&sig=EukDrduBdK-oQSeY_Gf-VFQ6M54&hl=en&ei=SaxmTN-0H4P98AbioIi0BA&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=result&redir_esc=y#v=onepage&q=%E2%80%9CEternal%20vigilance%20is%20the%20price%20of%20liberty.%E2%80%9D%20phillips%20speech%20anti-slavery&f=false ''The Fortnightly''], Volume VIII, Chapman and Hall, 1870, p. 67). * A society that will trade a little liberty for a little order will lose both, and deserve neither. ** This has actually become a common paraphrase of a statement that is believed to have originated with [[Benjamin Franklin]]: ''Those who would give up Essential Liberty to purchase a little Temporary Safety, deserve neither Liberty nor Safety''. * There is no justification for taking away individuals' freedom in the guise of public safety. ** This seems more like something [[Benjamin Franklin]] might have said. There's no record Thomas Jefferson said it. * Resistance to tyranny is obedience to God. ** ''Variation'': Disobedience to tyranny is obedience to God. ** This statement has often been attributed to Jefferson and sometimes to English theologian [[William Tyndale]], or [[Susan B. Anthony]], who used it, but cited it as an "old revolutionary maxim" — it was widely used as an abolitionist and feminist slogan in the 19th century. [[Benjamin Franklin]] proposed in August 1776 a very similar quote (Rebellion to Tyrants is Obedience to God) as the motto on the [http://www.greatseal.com/committees/firstcomm/reverse.html Great Seal of the United States]. The earliest definite citations of a source yet found in research for Wikiquote indicates that the primary formulation was declared by Massachusetts Governor [[w:Simon Bradstreet|Simon Bradstreet]] after [[w:1689 Boston revolt|the overthrow]] of [[w:Dominion of New England|Dominion of New England]] Governor [[w:Edmund Andros|Edmund Andros]] in relation to the "[[w:Glorious Revolution|Glorious Revolution]]" of 1688, as quoted in ''Official Report of the Debates and Proceedings in the State Convention: assembled May 4th, 1853'' (1853) by the Massachusetts Constitutional Convention, p. 502. It is also quoted as a maxim that arose after the overthrow of Andros in ''A Book of New England Legends and Folk Lore'' (1883) by Samuel Adams Drake. p. 426 * Dissent is the highest form of patriotism. ** Various; earliest source ''[http://www.worldcat.org/oclc/21414360 The Use of Force in International Affairs]'' (Philadelphia: Friends Peace Committee, 1961), 6, and popularized by various users in the 1960s: *** If what your country is doing seems to you practically and morally wrong, is dissent the highest form of patriotism? **** [http://wiki.monticello.org/mediawiki/index.php/Dissent_is_the_highest_form_of_patriotism_(Quotation) Dissent is the highest form of patriotism], Thomas Jefferson Encyclopedia ** Other form by historian [[Howard Zinn]] ''[http://www.tompaine.com/Archive/scontent/5908.html Dissent In Pursuit Of Equality, Life, Liberty And Happiness: An Interview With Historian Howard Zinn]'' by Sharon Basco, [http://TomPaine.com TomPaine.com], July 03 2002 (The quote can be found in the first sentence of Mr. Zinn's first answer; nowhere in that article does Howard Zinn attribute that quote to Jefferson.): *** While some people think that dissent is unpatriotic, I would argue that dissent is the highest form of patriotism. ** Law professor Jim Lindgren of The [[w:Volokh Conspiracy|Volokh Conspiracy]] has traced the possible origin of this saying back as far as the 11 November 1984 obituary of pacifist activist [[w:Dorothy Hutchinson | Dorothy Hewitt Hutchinson]] in the [[w:The Philadelphia Inquirer|Philadelphia Inquirer]], quoting a 1965 interview. The direct quote there is: ''"Dissent from public policy can be the highest form of patriotism," she said in an interview in 1965. "I don't think democracy can survive without it, even though you may be crucified by it at times."'' According to the professor's [http://volokh.com/posts/1146554363.shtml research], the misattribution was popularized in the 1990's by [[w:American Civil Liberties Union|ACLU]] president [[w:Nadine Strossen | Nadine Strossen]]. Bill Mullins of the [[American Dialect Society]] did [http://listserv.linguistlist.org/cgi-bin/wa?A2=ind0605A&L=ADS-L&P=R1297&I=-3 further research]. * Government big enough to supply everything you need is big enough to take everything you have ... The course of history shows that as a government grows, liberty decreases. ** Commonly quoted on many websites, this quotation is actually from an address by President [[Gerald Ford]] [http://www.bartleby.com/73/714.html to the US Congress (12 August 1974)] * The best government is that which governs least. ** Motto of ''United States Magazine and Democratic Review''. First used in introductory essay by editor [[w:John L. O'Sullivan|John L. O'Sullivan]] in the premier issue (October, 1837, [http://books.google.com/books?id=HGtJAAAAMAAJ&pg=PA6&dq=%22governs+least%22 p. 6]). Attributed to Jefferson by [[Henry David Thoreau]], this statement is cited in his essay on civil disobedience, but the quote has not been found in Jefferson's own writings. It is also commonly attributed to [[Thomas Paine]], perhaps because of its similarity in theme to many of his well-documented expressions such as "Society in every state is a blessing, but government even in its best state is but a necessary evil; in its worst state an intolerable one." ** Variant: "That government is best which governs least"; reported in Paul F. Boller, Jr., and John George, ''They Never Said It: A Book of Fake Quotes, Misquotes, & Misleading Attributions'' (1989), p. 56 * The Christian god can easily be pictured as virtually the same god as the many ancient gods of past civilizations. The Christian god is a three headed monster; cruel, vengeful and capricious. If one wishes to know more of this raging, three headed beast-like god, one only needs to look at the caliber of people who say they serve him. They are always of two classes: fools and hypocrites. ** See the [http://www.positiveatheism.org/hist/quotes/jeffphony.htm Positive Atheism] site on the extreme unlikelihood of this quote being authentic. It actually contains some known phrases of Jefferson's, but they are compounded with almost certainly false statements into a highly misrepresentative whole. Jefferson's own opinions on [[Jesus]], [[God]], [[Christianity]] and general opinions about them were far more complex than is indicated in this statement. * The strongest reason for the people to retain the right to keep and bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in government. ** According to the Jefferson Library, this is among the many [http://wiki.monticello.org/mediawiki/index.php/Category:Spurious_Quotations statements misattributed to Jefferson.] * Those who hammer their guns into plows will plow for those who do not. ** According to the Jefferson Library, this is [http://wiki.monticello.org/mediawiki/index.php/Those_who_hammer_their_guns_into_plows misattributed to Jefferson]. <div id="control_the_issue"> * If the American people ever allow private banks to control the issue of their currency, first by inflation, then by [[deflation]], the banks and the corporations which grow up around them will deprive the people of all property until their children wake up homeless on the continent their fathers conquered. ** ''Respectfully Quoted'' says this is "obviously spurious", noting that the OED's earliest citation for the word "deflation" is from 1920. The earliest known appearance of this quote is from 1935 (Testimony of Charles C. Mayer, ''Hearings Before the Committee on Banking and Currency, House of Representatives, Seventy-fourth Congress, First Session, on H.R. 5357'', p. 799) </div> * I sincerely believe that banking institutions are more dangerous to our liberties than standing armies. Already they have raised up a money aristocracy that has set the government at defiance. The issuing power should be taken from the banks and restored to the people to whom it properly belongs. ** The earliest known appearance of this statement is from 1895 (Joshua Douglass, "Bimetallism and Currency", ''American Magazine of Civics'', 7:256). It is apparently a combination of paraphrases or approximate quotations from three separate letters of Jefferson (longer excerpts in sourced section): ** I sincerely believe, with you, that banking institutions are more dangerous than standing armies... *** Letter to John Taylor (1816) ** The bank mania...is raising up a moneyed aristocracy in our country which has already set the government at defiance... *** Letter to Josephus B. Stuart (1817) ** Bank paper must be suppressed, and the circulating medium must be restored to the nation to whom it belongs. *** Letter to John W. Eppes (1813) * I'm a great believer in luck, and I find the harder I work the more I have of it. ** Has been attributed to [[Stephen Leacock]]'s "Literary Lapses" (1910), but the quote does not appear in the [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/6340/6340.txt Project Gutenberg edition] of this work. ** Variant: I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have. * A democracy is nothing more than mob rule, where 51 percent of the people may take away the rights of the other 49. ** There are no indications that Jefferson ever stated anything like this; slight variants of this statement seem to have become widely attributed to Jefferson only since its appearance in three books of 2004: ''The Adventures of Jonathan Gullible: A Free Market Odyssey'' (2004) by Ken Schoolland, p. 235; ''Damn-ocracy — Government From Hell!: The Political, Economic And Money System'' (2004) by Wendall Dennis and ''Reason And Reality : A Novel'' (2004) by Mishrilal Jain, p. 232; see also [http://wiki.monticello.org/mediawiki/index.php/Democracy_is_nothing_more_than_mob_rule info at ''Thomas Jefferson Encyclopedia'']. * The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who would not. ** This quotation first appeared in ''Dreams Come Due: Government and Economics as if Freedom Mattered'' (New York: Simon & Schuster, 1986), p. 312, written under the pseudonym of John Galt. It is there attributed to Jefferson, but is not found anywhere in his works. See the [http://www.monticello.org/site/jefferson/democracy-will-cease-to-exist-quotation ''Thomas Jefferson Encyclopedia'']. * '''If a law is unjust, a man is not only right to disobey it, he is obligated to do so.''' ** Variant: '''When injustice becomes law, resistance becomes duty.''' ** Variant: '''When tyranny becomes law, rebellion becomes duty.''' ** Not attributed to Jefferson until the 21st century. May be a loose paraphrasing of a passage from [[w:United States Declaration of Independence|Declaration of Independence]] (1776): "But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security." * '''Equal rights for all, special privileges for none.''' ** Not attribution to Jefferson earlier than William Jennings Bryan's Baltimore address of January 20, 1900 ** [http://cdnc.ucr.edu/cgi-bin/cdnc?a=d&d=LAH19000121.2.94 California Digital Newspaper Collection, Los Angeles Herald].; appears in proximity to a reference to Jefferson in the 1878 "Notes of a Voyage to California Via Cape Horn", reprinting a 1850 Sacramento advertisment ** [http://books.google.com/books?id=Cis3Ni8wJkgC&pg=PA280 via Google Books] Samuel Curtis Upham, '''"Notes of a Voyage to California Via Cape Horn: Together with Scenes in El Dorado, in the Year 1849-'50, with an Appendix Containing Reminiscences: Together with the Articles of Association and Roll of Members of "The Associated Pioneers of the Territorial Days of California"'''.. Earliest known variant is from the August 31, 1844 issue of "Niles' National Register", authored by the committee of William C. Bryant, George P. Barker, John W. Edmonds, David Dudley Field, Theodore Sedgwick, Thomas W. Tucker, and Isaac Townsend. ** [http://books.google.com/books?id=M1oUAAAAYAAJ&pg=PA438 via Google Books]. * Almighty God, Who has given us this good land for our heritage; We humbly beseech Thee that we may always prove ourselves a people mindful of Thy favor and glad to do Thy will. Bless our land with honorable ministry, sound learning, and pure manners. Save us from violence, discord, and confusion, from pride and arrogance, and from every evil way. Defend our liberties, and fashion into one united people, the multitude brought hither out of many kindreds and tongues. Endow with Thy spirit of wisdom those whom in Thy name we entrust the authority of government, that there may be justice and peace at home, and that through obedience to Thy law, we may show forth Thy praise among the nations of the earth. In time of prosperity fill our hearts with thankfulness, and in the day of trouble, suffer not our trust in Thee to fail; all of which we ask through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen. ** This is a misquotation of a prayer from the 1928 ''Book of Common Prayer'' (''ministry'' should be ''industry'' and ''arrogance'' should be ''arrogancy''). This was a revision from an earlier edition. The original form, written by George Lyman Locke, appeared in the 1885 edition. In 1994 William J. Federer attributed it to Jefferson in ''America's God and Country: Encyclopedia of Quotations'', pp. 327-8. See the [http://www.monticello.org/site/research-and-collections/national-prayer-peace ''Thomas Jefferson Encyclopedia'']. * The two enemies of the people are criminals and government, so let us tie the second down with the chains of the Constitution so the second will not become the legalized version of the first. ** Not found in any of Thomas Jefferson's writings. This may be a conflation of Jefferson's "chains of the Constitution" comment with [[Ayn Rand]]'s statement in her essay, ''Man's Rights'': "There are two potential violators of man’s rights: the criminals and the government. The great achievement of the United States was to draw a distinction between these two — by forbidding to the second the legalized version of the activities of the first."[http://www.monticello.org/site/jefferson/two-enemies-people-are-criminals-and-governmentquotation] * The issue today is the same as it has been throughout all history, whether man shall be allowed to govern himself or be ruled by a small elite. ** Not found in Jefferson's writings. [http://www.tcfrank.com/essays/Check_It_Yourself] * If you want something you have never had, you must be willing to do something you have never done. ** Not found in Jefferson's writings, [https://www.monticello.org/site/research-and-collections/if-you-want-something-you-have-never-had-quotation according to the Jefferson Monticello center]. First known appearance in print is from 2004. * The first consideration in immigration is the welfare of the receiving nation. In a new government based on principles unfamiliar to the rest of the world and resting on the sentiments of the people themselves, the influx of a large number of new immigrants unaccustomed to the government of a free society could be detrimental to that society. Immigration, therefore, must be approached carefully and cautiously. ** This misattribution seems to have originated as improper quoting of an actually ''site-created'' preamble to an online page of Jefferson's quotes or paraphrases at the site [https://famguardian.org/index.htm ''Family Guardian''] — self described as a "Nonprofit Christian religious ministry dedicated to protecting people and families from extortion, persecution, exploitation, socialism, divorce, crime, and sin." Among the preambles to their pages, '''these remarks summarizing the site creators' assessments on [https://famguardian.org/subjects/politics/thomasjefferson/jeff1280.htm "Immigration Policy"] for their page of Jefferson's statements regarding the subject''', have occasionally been wrongly copied and distributed in various internet articles and comments ''as if'' they were direct "quotes" of Jefferson, sometimes with spurious citations to specific documents, most commonly the source of the first actual quote citation on that page:<!-- , as of February 2019, --> an 1806 letter to Albert Gallatin. It should also be noted that even the provided "quotes" at this site are not absolutely reliable, as on their [https://famguardian.org/subjects/politics/thomasjefferson/jeffcont.htm index page for quotes of ''Thomas Jefferson on Politics & Government''] they indicate that some of the "quotes" they use are modernized and "generalized" (or in other words: ''paraphrased'') in ways which diverge slightly from literal quotations of the original sources cited. * Widespread poverty and concentrated wealth cannot long endure side by side in a democracy ** Attributed to Jefferson in speeches by FDR[http://teachingamericanhistory.org/library/document/campaign-address/] and JFK,[https://www.jfklibrary.org/archives/other-resources/john-f-kennedy-speeches/pittsburgh-pa-19470603] but actually a quote ''about'' Jefferson by Charles A. Beard in 1936.[https://www.monticello.org/site/research-and-collections/widespread-poverty-and-concentrated-wealth-spurious-quotation] * Tyranny is defined as that which is legal for the government but illegal for the citizenry. ** A wonderful quote, if only it were true, despite no shortage image-quote-memes online. ** "Spurious" here: https://www.monticello.org/site/research-and-collections/tyranny-defined-which-legal-government-spurious-quotation ** "Not True" here: https://www.truthorfiction.com/thomas-jefferson-tyranny-is-defined-as-that-which-is-legal-for-the-government-quote/ {{Misattributed end}} == Quotes about Jefferson == [[File:MtRushmore Tom close.jpg|thumb| Your [[character]] in [[history]] may easily be foreseen. Your administration will be quoted by [[philosophers]] as a model of profound [[wisdom]]; by [[politicians]], as weak, superficial, and shortsighted. ~ [[John Adams]] ]] [[File:Martha Jefferson.jpg|thumb|[[w:Sally Hemings|Sally Hemings]] was his [[servant]], and had little [[power]]. She was dependent [[economically]], though this does not mean her [[feelings]] were [[irrelevant]]. But it does mean that he had extraordinary power, and she very little, and so, as his concubine, she had probably replicated her [[mother]]'s relationship with Jefferson's father-in-law; for she was, in fact, Jefferson's late [[wife]]'s half-[[sister]], and I have described the Hemings family as a parallel, subordinate family to the all-white Jeffersons. ~ Andrew Burstein]] [[File:Thomas Hovenden - The Last Moments of John Brown - Google Art Project.jpg|thumb|The natural equal rights of men. If Washington or Jefferson or Madison should utter upon his native soil today the opinions he entertained and expressed upon [[Slavery|this question]], he would be denounced as a fanatical abolitionist. To declare the right of all men to liberty is sectional, because slavery is afraid of liberty and strikes the mouth that speaks the word. ~ [[George William Curtis]]]] [[File:Frederick_Douglass_at_National_Portrait_Gallery_IMG_4542.JPG|thumb|[[w:Thomas Jefferson|Jefferson]] was not ashamed to call the black man his brother and to address him as a gentleman. ~ [[Frederick Douglass]]]] : <small>Sorted alphabetically by author or source</small> * How development of nations keeps the reality a little behind the wish and the will. That is, the people live under a rule made by others. Each generation is governed, necessarily, by a former generation. Jefferson's great idea: Let it be governed by its own ideas. ** [[John Dalberg-Acton, 1st Baron Acton|Lord Acton]], private notes, quoted in G. E. Fasnacht, ''Acton's Political Philosophy: An Analysis'' (1952), p. 197 * Almost every other American statesman might be described in a parenthesis. A few broad strokes of the brush would paint the portraits of all the early Presidents with this exception, and a few more strokes would answer for any member of their many cabinets; but Jefferson could be painted only touch by touch, with a fine pencil, and the perfection of the likeness depended upon the shifting and uncertain flicker of its semi-transparent shadows. ** [[Henry Adams]], ''History of the United States of America During the First Administration of Thomas Jefferson'' (1891), p. 277 * '''Your [[character]] in [[history]] may easily be foreseen. Your administration will be quoted by [[philosophers]] as a model of profound [[wisdom]]; by [[politicians]], as weak, superficial, and shortsighted. Mine, like Pope's woman, will have no character at all.''' ** [[John Adams]], in a letter to Jefferson (July 1813), published in ''The Writings of Thomas Jefferson'' (1903) Vol. 13, edited by Andrew Adgate Lipscomb and Albert Ellery Bergh, p. 301 * Jefferson surely knew [[slavery]] was wrong, but he didn't have the courage to lead the way to emancipation. If you hate slavery and the terrible things it did to human beings, it is difficult to regard Jefferson as a great man, or a good man. He was a spendthrift, always deeply in debt. He never freed his slaves... He could not rise above convenience. To be a slave-holder meant one had to regard the African American as inferior in every way. One had to believe that the worst white man was better than the best black man. If you did not believe these things you could justify yourself to yourself. So Jefferson could condemn slavery in words, but not in deeds. Jefferson had slaves at his magnificent estate, Monticello, who were superb artisans, shoemakers, masons, carpenters, cooks. But like every bigot, he never said, after seeing a skilled African craftsman at work or enjoying the fruits of his labor, 'Maybe I'm wrong'. He already knew that. He ignored the words of his fellow revolutionary John Adams, who said that the revolution would never be complete until the slaves were free. ** [[w:Stephen E. Ambrose|Stephen E. Ambrose]], [https://books.google.com/books?id=n2J675woMLwC ''To America: Personal Reflections of an Historian''], pp. 2&ndash;5 * The thoroughness with which Jefferson exorcised the influence of his opponents still astounds. He removed a whole cohort of young Federalists from civil and military offices; he eliminated domestic taxes; he substantially reduced the national debt; he shrank the size of the bureaucracy despite the growth in population and territory; he hastened the conveyance of national land to ordinary farmers; and he replaced Federalist formality with a nonchalance in matters of etiquette that quite amazed foreign dignitaries. ** [[w:Joyce Appleby|Joyce Appleby]], 'Introduction: Jefferson and His Complex Legacy', in Peter S. Onuf (ed.), ''Jeffersonian Legacies'' (1993), pp. 11-12 * Jefferson's profound antagonism to the debasing effects of tyranny inspired his greatest lines of prose. He carried to his death his hostility to authoritarian doctrines, precedents, and officials. But Jefferson was more than a catalyst for the liberal opinions rife in the society, he was the live wire that made the connection between Enlightenment philosophy and American public policy... Successful in perpetuating his pristine republican style of government for a quarter of a century, Jefferson laid the intellectual foundation for limited government and the intellectual undergirding for Americans' suspicion of governmental power, even that exercised by the people. ** [[w:Joyce Appleby|Joyce Appleby]], 'Introduction: Jefferson and His Complex Legacy', in Peter S. Onuf (ed.), ''Jeffersonian Legacies'' (1993), pp. 13-14 * ''[On Jefferson's relationships with [[w:Sally Hemings|Sally Hemings]] and the likelihood of his DNA providing evidence of their living descendants.]'' I would not characterize it as an affair, or suggest that the relationship can be understood in modern terms. On Jefferson's [[isolated]] [[mountaintop]], [[sex]] took place as part of a [[hierarchy]] that everyone involved [[understood]]. Jefferson, and those of his [[class]], did not share our current understanding of sexual [[morality]]. Sally Hemings was his [[servant]], and had little [[power]]. She was dependent [[economically]], though this does not mean her [[feelings]] were [[irrelevant]]. But it does mean that he had extraordinary power, and she very little, and so, as his concubine, she had probably replicated her [[mother]]'s relationship with Jefferson's father-in-law; for she was, in fact, Jefferson's late [[wife]]'s half-[[sister]], and I have described the Hemings family as a parallel, subordinate family to the all-white Jeffersons. ... Technically, there were other Jeffersons with matching DNA characteristics, but the white Jefferson descendents who established the family denial in the mid-nineteenth century cast responsibility for paternity on two Jefferson nephews (children of Jefferson’s sister) whose DNA was not a match. So, as far as can be reconstructed, there are no Jeffersons other than the president who had the degree of physical access to Sally Hemings that he did. ** [[w:Andrew Burstein|Andrew Burstein]], as quoted in [https://historynewsnetwork.org/article/13102 "The Unknown Jefferson: An Interview with Andrew Burstein" by Richard Shenkman, at ''History News Network'' (25 July 2005)]<!-- accessed 14 March 2011 + 2020·04·12 --> * I don't know that Jefferson could have survived as a farmer then in that society without having an ability to work his farm with...slavery. It seems abominable to us looking back, but was a way of life then. And I think the saving grace of Jefferson's philosophy is that the things for which he stood and which he expressed so vividly and so clearly and emotionally, were what later permitted our country to escape from slavery itself. ** [[Jimmy Carter]] in the Thomas Jefferson Memorial Foundation documentary, ''Thomas Jefferson: Pursuit of Liberty'' (1991), quoted in 'How Presidents See the Presidency', ''Humanities'', Volume 14, Number 1 (January/February 1993), p. 12 * All the Founding Fathers hated [[Democracy]] — Thomas Jefferson was a partial exception, but only partial. ** [[Noam Chomsky]], '''Understanding Power: The Indispensable Chomsky'' (2002) edited by Peter R. Mitchell and John Schoeffel * He honored religious teachers who did not use mystifications to gain illegitimate power, eventually believing [[Jesus]] the greatest of these. He appreciated the role of religious institutions. But he was very leery of any priesthood and had almost no involvement with any organized religious sect, possibly because he found the options available to him so uninviting... Jefferson never doubted such a creative and providential god, even when he tried without success to understand the views of authentic atheists. This cosmology remained the foundation of his private religious beliefs and a support both for objective knowledge and moral confidence. He was so certain of his beliefs in such a creative god, in a planned and ordered universe, and in a divinely implanted moral sense in each person, that he assumed, quite incorrectly as we know, that such beliefs were universal, at the heart of all religions. When anyone challenged such beliefs, he easily and routinely referred to the evidence of design in nature and in the human mind. Such evidence made belief in a creative and purposeful god unchallengeable, self-evident. ** Paul K. Conkin, 'The Religious Pilgrimage of Thomas Jefferson', in Peter S. Onuf (ed.), ''Jeffersonian Legacies'' (1993), p. 20 * Jefferson, apparently very early in life, found most of this distinctive [[Christianity|Christian]] superstructure unbelievable, save for the assurance of life after death. In the middle years of his life he affirmed the Semitic cosmology without the Christian superstructure, although not without some sense of loneliness in a society so assertively Christian. He was persuaded, in part by the strictures of orthodox critics, that his form of religious rationalism did not qualify as Christian, and thus he did not so profess. In times of stress and anxiety he sought inspiration and consolation not in Christian sources but in [[w:Stoicism|Stoic]] and [[w:Epicureanism|Epicurean]] moral philosophers. Then, in a period stretching from the early 1790s until the time he became president, he discovered a minimalist, [[w:Unitarianism|unitarian]] version of Christianity, most of whose tenets he could affirm. He remained a reasonably consistent advocate of such a unitarianism until he died. ** Paul K. Conkin, 'The Religious Pilgrimage of Thomas Jefferson', in Peter S. Onuf (ed.), ''Jeffersonian Legacies'' (1993), p. 21 * Never did a man achieve more fame for what he did not do. ** Virginia abolitionist [[w:Moncure D. Conway|Moncure Conway]] on Jefferson's reputation as the would be emancipator as quoted in ''[http://www.smithsonianmag.com/history/the-dark-side-of-thomas-jefferson-35976004/ The Dark Side of Thomas Jefferson]'', by Henry Wiencek, ''Smithsonian Magazine'', (October 2012) * To the twentieth-century mind Jefferson's views on race stand in contrast to the liberal stance that he took on most of the major issues of the day; yet his repeated condemnation of the instutition of slavery and his insistent arguments that steps must be taken to bring it to an end placed him in advance of most, but far from all, eighteenth-century persons. ** Noble Cunningham, as quoted in [https://books.google.com/books?id=vslA7TGpgdwC&pg=PA27&dq=%22this+abomination+must+have+an+end+and%22&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwiIjMz40f7JAhXERyYKHZYnApUQ6AEIIjAB#v=onepage&q=%22this%20abomination%20must%20have%20an%20end%20and%22&f=false ''Where Did the Party Go?''], by Jeff Taylor, p. 29 * '''There was not in all the colonial legislation of America one single law which recognized the rightfulness of slavery in the abstract; that in 1774 Virginia stigmatized the slave-trade as 'wicked, cruel, and unnatural'; that in the same year Congress protested against it 'under the sacred ties of virtue, honor, and love of country';''' that in 1775 the same Congress denied that God intended one man to own another as a slave; that the new Discipline of the Methodist Church, in 1784, and the Pastoral Letter of the Presbyterian Church, in 1788, denounced slavery; that abolition societies existed in slave States, and that it was hardly the interest even of the cotton-growing States, where it took a slave a day to clean a pound of cotton, to uphold the system... Jefferson, in his address to the Virginia Legislature of 1774, says that 'the abolition of domestic slavery is the greatest object of desire in these colonies, where it was unhappily introduced in their infant state'; and while he constantly remembers to remind us that the Jeffersonian prohibition of slavery in the territories was lost in 1784, he forgets to add that it was lost, not by a majority of votes — for there were sixteen in its favor to seven against it — but because the sixteen votes did not represent two thirds of the States; and he also incessantly forgets to tell us that this Jeffersonian prohibition was restored by the Congress of 1785, and erected into the famous Northwest Ordinance of 1787, which was re-enacted by the first Congress of the United States and approved by the first President. ** [[George William Curtis]], [https://archive.org/details/orationsandaddr03curtgoog "The Present Aspect of the Slavery Question"] (18 October 1859), New York City * The natural equal rights of men. If Washington or Jefferson or Madison should utter upon his native soil today the opinions he entertained and expressed upon this question, he would be denounced as a fanatical abolitionist. To declare the right of all men to liberty is sectional, because slavery is afraid of liberty and strikes the mouth that speaks the word. To preach slavery is not sectional — no: because freedom respects itself and believes in itself enough to give an enemy fair play. Thus Boston asked Senator Toombs to come and say what he could for slavery. I think Boston did a good thing, but I think Senator Toombs is not a wise man, for he went. He went all the way from Georgia to show Massachusetts how slavery looks, and to let it learn what it has to say. When will Georgia ask Wendell Phillips or Charles Sumner to come down and show her how liberty looks and speaks? ** [[George William Curtis]], [https://archive.org/details/orationsandaddr03curtgoog "The Present Aspect of the Slavery Question"] (18 October 1859), New York City * With the sure sagacity of a leader of men, Washington at once selected, for the highest and most responsible stations, the three chief Americans who represented the three forces in the nation which alone could command success in the institution of the government. [[Alexander Hamilton|Hamilton]] was the head, [[w:Thomas Jefferson|Jefferson]] was the heart, and [[John Jay]] was the conscience. Washington's just and serene ascendancy was the lambent flame in which these beneficent powers were fused, and nothing less than that ascendancy could have ridden the whirlwind and directed the storm that burst around him. ** [[George William Curtis]], as quoted in ''Manual Of Patriotism : For Use in the Public Schools of the State of New York'' (1900), by Charles Rufus SkinnerTake, p. 261 * One cannot question the genuineness of Jefferson’s liberal dreams. He was one of the first statesmen in any part of the world to advocate concrete measures for restricting and eradicating Negro slavery. ** Historian [[David Brion Davis]], as quoted in ''[http://www.smithsonianmag.com/history/the-dark-side-of-thomas-jefferson-35976004/ The Dark Side of Thomas Jefferson]'', by Henry Wiencek, ''Smithsonian Magazine'', (October 2012) * "Mr. Jefferson displays a mild, easy and obliging temper," commented the duc de La Rochefoucald-Liancourt, "though he is somewhat cold and reserved. His conversation is the most agreeable kind." Jefferson was open and approachable, yet he maintained an impregnable core of inner feeling that has frustrated his biographers. He had an insatiable curiosity about all aspects of life. His fondness for structure and order can be seen in the meticulous records he maintained on plant life and weather conditions at Monticello. Despite his many years in politics, he never acquired two attributes usually considered essential to success in that profession: a thick skin and a gift for oratory. He was acutely sensitive to public criticism and, although captivating in small groups, delivered notoriously unmoving speeches before large crowds. He tended to mumble softly out of earshot of much of his audience. ** William A. DeGregorio, ''The Complete Book of U.S. Presidents'' (1984), p. 37-38 * You profess to [[believe]] "that, of one blood, [[God]] made all nations of men to dwell on the face of all the [[earth]]," and hath commanded all men, everywhere to [[love]] one another; yet you notoriously [[hate]], (and [[glory]] in your hatred), all men whose skins are not colored like your own. You declare, before the world, and are understood by the world to declare, that you "hold these truths to be self evident, that all men are created equal; and are endowed by their Creator with certain inalienable rights; and that, among these are, life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness;" and yet, '''you hold securely, in a bondage which, according to your own [[Thomas Jefferson]], "is worse than ages of that which your fathers rose in rebellion to oppose," a seventh part of the inhabitants of your country.''' ** [[Frederick Douglass]], ''What to the Slave is the Fourth of July?'' (1852) * [[w:Thomas Jefferson|Jefferson]] was not ashamed to call the black man his brother and to address him as a gentleman. ** [[Frederick Douglass]], [http://teachingamericanhistory.org/library/document/self-made-men/ "Self-Made Men"] (1872) * The story of black Sal is no farce—That he cohabits with her and has a number of children by her is a sacred truth—and the worst of it is he keeps the same children slaves—an unnatural crime which is very common in these parts. ** [[w:Elijah Fletcher|Elijah Fletcher]], Ed. Thos. Jefferson Loony; et al. (2006). "Elijah Flecther's Account of a Visit to Monticello" May 8, 1811. Thos. Jefferson Papers, Retirement Series, Vol. 3: Princeton. p. 610 * Jefferson's invention of the ''[[w:Jefferson disk|Wheel Cypher]]'' represents a contribution to [[w:Cryptography|cryptographic]] science so far in advance of his time that at least a century had to elapse before a similar invention was independently made by a second inventor in the field. ** [[w:William F. Friedman|William F. Friedman]] to the editors of ''The Papers of Thomas Jefferson'' (November 17, 1949), quoted in ''The Papers of Thomas Jefferson, Volume 1: 1760–1776'', eds. Julian P. Boyd, Lyman H. Butterfield and Mina R. Bryan (1950), p. viii, n. 3 * His anti-slavery sentiments, so forcibly given in his Notes on Virginia, will be quoted with impressive effect as long as slavery exists in our land. It is true, he was a slaveholder; and hence his theory was better than his practice. It is apparent, moreover, that he had clearer views of the impolicy of the slave-system, than of its guilt. But he never dishonored his judgement, or perverted his good sense, by attempting to prove the lawfulness of holding the colored race in bondage. ** [[William Lloyd Garrison]], ‘Jefferson on Slavery’, ''The Genius of Universal Emancipation, A Monthly Periodical Work, Containing Original Essays, Documents, and Facts, Relative to the Subject of African Slavery: Volume II. Third Series—Commencing May, 1831'' (1831–1832), pp. 202–203 * Jefferson, moved by anger and scorn against the planter class for its fellowship and partnership in the tyranny of the Crown, threw off its allurements, so congenial to his tastes and habits, and allied himself absolutely, unreservedly, actively, permanently with the wronged masses. In the struggle in that agricultural community between the "planters," or large landowners, and the "settlers," or small landowners, Jefferson's heart was always with the latter. ** [[Henry George]], 'Jefferson and the Land Question' (May 1, 1904), quoted in ''The Writings of Thomas Jefferson: Vol. XVI'' (1907), p. iv * Jefferson saw in the widespread ownership of land, in families made self-sufficient and independent by their farming, the best defence that could be erected against the arrogation of additional powers by the State, or by any who might wish to construct an economic or political oligarchy. Men, he frequently said, had not sought freedom in order to acquire property, but, rather, had acquired property in order to ensure freedom... Jefferson's analysis of democracy is one that still possesses a certain relevance. In so far as he believed that even the democratic State could become an elective tyranny, he spoke prophetically. In so far as he believed that property provided the best defence against that tyranny, he reminds us all of the importance of property, and of the dangers to democracy that result from its abolition. ** Daniel Green, ''To Colonize Eden: Land and Jeffersonian Democracy'' (1977), pp. 31-32 * Then there's the odd, of course, fact that he had a very long love affair with a woman who he owned, who he inherited from his father-in-law, who was his wife's half-sister, and produced several children by her, whose descendants have mainly been brought up on the white side of the color line. So in a strange way, his own patrimony disproves his own belief that there couldn't be coexistence between black and white Americans. ** [[Christopher Hitchens]], "Living in Thomas Jefferson's Fictions", ''NPR'', 1 June 2005, accessed 7 May 2012 * Consider this simple syllogism: Slavery is bad; Thomas Jefferson owned slaves; so, Thomas Jefferson was bad. Consider this simplistic precept: Racism is bad. Both are anything but profound and certainly not illuminating, but they typify, with due consideration for hyperbole, the quality and blinkered approach to Jeffersonian scholarship in the past several decades. The focal issue has been Jefferson’s racism, and the issue within the issue has been his assumed relationship with Sally Hemings. Jeffersonian scholarship has become an exercise in battology — a useless, fatuous repetition of the same claims but with a slightly different twist. "Jefferson was a racist but he really loved Sally Hemings" versus "Jefferson was a racist and he raped Sally Hemings," and so on. Those twists are what merit publication. The collision of radically different, but historically reasonable, ideas, needed for advances in historical scholarship, has become anathema. ... The situation at [[w:Monticello|Monticello]] is toxic. They are unwilling to aim to settle the issues of Jefferson’s paternity and of his avowed racism by [[rational]] [[debate]] concerning the [[evidence]], or even concerning what ought to count as evidence. Members of TJF — and many of them are, I suspect, sufficiently unfamiliar with Jefferson to be [[judges]] of the issue of paternity — have elected themselves to be the sole arbiters of Thomas Jefferson’s legacy, which is no longer open to debate. ... TJF’s depiction of Jefferson, jaded as it is, has won the day. It is now no longer necessary to recognize others who disagree with TJF, to read their arguments, to assess critically those arguments, and to engage in debate with them. ... While it is laudable that members of the TJF [[wish]] to be viewed historically as paladins of [[human rights]], they are doing so by constructing an image of Jefferson that is warped by [[political]] [[ideals]]. Their Jefferson is an opportunist, [[hypocrite]], [[racist]], and perhaps even rapist, and they do not give voice to scholars who disagree. The climate is authoritarian — certainly not in keeping with Jefferson’s republican thinking. ** M. Andrew Holowchak, in [https://historynewsnetwork.org/article/170713 "Is Monticello Monetizing Race at Jefferson's Expense?", ''History News Network'' (15 December 2018)]<!-- Retrieved 16 December 2018 + 2020·04·12 --> * "True," replied M. de —, "'''he considers a free press as the paladium of [[liberty]].''' I went today an hour before his time of dining, and was received in his cabinet while he was finishing a letter; I took up one of your public journals which lay upon his table, and was astonished and shocked to find its columns filled with the lowest abuse, and vilest of calumnies of the President. I threw it down with indignation, exclaiming, why do you not have the fellow hung who dares to write these abominable lies! He smiled at my warmth, and replied, 'hang the guardian of public morals? no, sir; rather would I protect the spirit of freedom which dictates even that abuse. Put that paper into your pocket, my good friend, and when you hear any one doubt the reality of American liberty, show them that paper, and tell them where you found it; you cannot have a better proof of its existence. '''Sir, the country where public men are amenable to public opinion; where not only their official measures, but their private morals, are open to the scrutiny and animadversion of every citizen, is more secure from despotism and corruption, than it could be rendered by the wisest code of laws, or best formed constitution.''' Party spirit may sometimes blacken, and its erroneous opinions may sometimes injure; but, in general, it will prove the best guardian of a pure and wise administration; it will detect and expose vice and corruption, check the encroachments of power, and resist oppression; sir, it is an abler protector of the people's rights, than ''arms'' or ''laws''.' <br> 'But is it not shocking that virtuous characters should be defamed?'<br> ''''Let their actions refute such libels. Believe me, virtue is not long darkened by the clouds of calumny. In its course, it will shine forth like the sun at noon-day, and with its brightness disperse the fogs and vapours which obscured its rising light. When a man assumes a public trust, he should consider himself as public property, and justly liable to the inspection and vigilance of public opinion; and the more sensibly he is made to feel his dependence, the less danger will there be of his abuse of power — ''The abuse of power'', that rock on which good governments, and the people's rights, have been so often wrecked.'''' <br> 'Such doctrines would never be recognised in the old world,' I observed. <br> 'Our example,' he replied, 'may enforce these doctrines, which your philosophers have so long preached in vain; '''example, you know, far outweighs precept.''''" ** An unnamed European visitor, in dialogue with Jefferson, as quoted in ''A Winter in Washington : or, Memoirs of the Seymour Family'' (1824) by [[w:Margaret Bayard Smith|Margaret Bayard Smith]], Vol. 2, p. 37; a few years later ''Sketches of the Life, Writings, and Opinions of Thomas Jefferson'' (1832)<!-- p. 474 --> by B. L. Rayner presents a slightly different rendition of this dialogue, and identifies the visitor as Baron [[Alexander von Humboldt]], who visited Washington in June 1804: :: The celebrated traveller, Baron Humboldt, calling on the President one day, was received into his cabinet. On taking up one of the public journals which lay upon the table, he was shocked to find its columns teeming with the most wanton abuse and licentious calumnies of the President. He threw it down with indignation, exclaiming, "Why do you not have the fellow hung who dares to write these abominable lies?" The President smiled at the warmth of the Baron, and replied — "What! hang the guardians of the public morals? No sir, — rather would I protect the spirit of freedom which dictates even that degree of abuse. Put that paper into your pocket, my good friend, carry it with you to Europe, and when you hear any one doubt the reality of American freedom, show them that paper, and tell them where you found it' "But is it not shocking that virtuous characters should be defamed?" replied the Baron. "'''Let their actions refute such libels.''' Believe me," continued the President, "'''virtue is not long darkened by the clouds of calumny; and the temporary pain which it causes is infinitely overweighed by the safety it insures against degeneracy in the principles and conduct of public functionaries. When a man assumes a public trust, he should consider himself as public property.'''" * I have long believed, that it was only by preserving the identity of the Republican party as embodied and characterized by the principles introduced by Mr. Jefferson that the original rights of the states and the people could be maintained as contemplated by the Constitution. ** [[Andrew Jackson]] to Joseph Guild (April 24, 1835), quoted in ''Correspondence of Andrew Jackson: Volume 5'' (1931), p. 339 * Jefferson hosted the United States' first iftar at the White House. It was an unintentional event, one that occurred as a result of Jefferson's scheduled meeting with an invited envoy from the Tunisian government. It was the end of the first Barbary War, and Jefferson was anxious to establish better diplomatic relations with the North African states while ensuring the security of American interests in the Mediterranean. Upon being informed of the envoy's fasting to observe the Islamic month of Ramadan, Jefferson had the mealtime at the White House changed from 3:30 in the afternoon to "precisely at sunset" in an effort to accommodate his guest. This gesture on behalf of the president was not simply a diplomatic one, but one that demonstrated Jefferson's familiarity and comfort with Islam, a faith that interested him since his time as a student at the College of William & Mary. Indeed, Jefferson's interest in the Qur'an and his own study of Arabic led to his active promotion and eventual creation of an Oriental Languages department at his alma mater. As a scholar and a diplomat, Jefferson was keenly aware and interested in the world outside of America and the importance of cultural and intellectual capital to the success of the United States. ** Alexandra Méav Jerome, [http://www.oxfordislamicstudies.com/Public/focus/essay1009_jefferson.html ''The Jefferson Qur'an''] * '''I think this is the most [[extraordinary]] collection of [[talent]], of [[human]] [[knowledge]], that has ever been gathered together at the White House, with the possible exception of when Thomas Jefferson dined [[alone]].''' ** [[John F. Kennedy]], in an address at a White House dinner honoring Nobel Prize winners (29 April 1962), quoted in [http://www.jfklibrary.org/white%20house%20diary/1962/April/29 The White House Diary, at the JFK Library] * Directly or indirectly American [[w:Classical architecture|classicism]] traces its ancestry to Jefferson, who may truly be called the father of our national architecture. ** [[w:Fiske Kimball|Fiske Kimball]], ''Thomas Jefferson, Architect, Original Designs in the Collection of Thomas Jefferson Coolidge, Junior'' (1916), p. 89 * If we look at our history with honesty and clarity we will be forced to admit that our Federal form of government has been, from the day of its birth, weakened in its integrity, confused and confounded in its direction, by the unresolved race question. We seldom take note or give adequate significance to the fact that Thomas Jefferson’s text of the Declaration of Independence was revised by the Continental Congress to eliminate a justifiable attack on King George for encouraging slave trade...Jefferson knew that such compromises with principle struck at the heart of the nation’s security and integrity. ** [[Martin Luther King, Jr.]], [http://www.nps.gov/anti/learn/historyculture/mlk-ep.htm New York Civil War Centennial Commission’s Emancipation Proclamation Observance] (12 September 1962) * Among the many legacies left by Thomas Jefferson, democracy may be the most lasting. Author of the Declaration of Independence, champion of the Bill of Rights, and a founder of the Democratic-Republican party, Jefferson has passed on to the American people his abiding faith in the ability of citizens to govern themselves. Of the assumptions that make American politics possible, none is more fundamental. Yet it must be said that the legacy left by this high-minded and idealistic philosopher, who was also a hard-headed and pragmatic politician—this egalitarian owner of slaves—is by no means simple. At the very least, as Charles Wiltse suggested almost half a century ago, Jefferson has left Americans with a divided conception of democracy. On the one hand, in advocating equality and popular sovereignty, he paved the way for a tradition of social democracy that extends from [[w:Albert Gallatin|Albert Gallatin]] to [[Andrew Jackson]] to [[Franklin D. Roosevelt|FDR]] and the progressive reformers of the twentieth century. On the other hand, as a believer in liberty and limited government, he can be seen as the source of a tradition of democratic individualism that runs from [[w:John Taylor of Caroline|John Taylor]] to [[John C. Calhoun]] to contemporary conservatives who champion personal rights and advocate restrictions on the role of the state. "This double emphasis in Jefferson's thought," concludes Wiltse, "has left American democracy a dual tradition." ** Michael Lienesch, 'Thomas Jefferson and the American Democratic Experience: The Origins of the Partisan Press, Popular Political Parties, and Public Opinion', in Peter S. Onuf (ed.), ''Jeffersonian Legacies'' (1993), p. 316 * '''All honor to Jefferson to the man, who''', in the concrete pressure of a struggle for national independence by a single people, '''had the coolness, forecast, and capacity to introduce into a mere revolutionary an abstract truth, applicable to all men and all time, and so to embalm it there to-day and in all coming days it shall be a rebuke and a stumbling block to the very harbingers of reappearing tyranny and oppression.''' ** [[Abraham Lincoln]], ''Letter to H.L. Pierce and others (Springfield, Illinois, April 6, 1859)'', published in ''[http://books.google.de/books?id=wCozjDf2C9QC&pg=PT676&lpg=PT676&dq=The+Democracy+of+to-day+hold+the+liberty+of+one+man+to+be+absolutely+nothing,+when+in+conflict+with+another+man%27s+right+of+property.+Republicans,+on+the+contrary,+are+both+for+the+man+and+the+dollar,+but,+in+case+of+conflict,+the+man+before+the+dollar.&source=bl&ots=IUIDU4YgQu&sig=GtkSSXezzBblIhuCZMG5oveTWN0&hl=de&sa=X&ei=lZkHU6fSG8HUtAaOmYHQDw&ved=0CDcQ6AEwAg#v=onepage&q=The%20Democracy%20of%20to-day%20hold%20the%20liberty%20of%20one%20man%20to%20be%20absolutely%20nothing%2C%20when%20in%20conflict%20with%20another%20man's%20right%20of%20property.%20Republicans%2C%20on%20the%20contrary%2C%20are%20both%20for%20the%20man%20and%20the%20dollar%2C%20but%2C%20in%20case%20of%20conflict%2C%20the%20man%20before%20the%20dollar.&f=false Essential American History: Abraham Lincoln - The Complete Papers and Writings, Biographically Annotated, The Papers and Writings of Abraham Lincoln]'' © 2012, Jazzybee Verlag Jürgen Beck, 86450 Münster, Germany, ISBN: 97838496200103 * '''The principles of [[Thomas Jefferson|Jefferson]] are the definitions and axioms of free society. And yet they are denied and evaded, with no small show of success. One dashingly calls them ”glittering generalities.” Another bluntly calls them “self-evident lies.” And others insidiously argue that they apply to “superior races.” '''These expressions, different in form, are identical in object and effect – the supplanting the principles of free government, and restoring those of classification, caste and legitimacy. They would delight a convocation of crowned heads plotting against the people. They are the vanguard, the miner and sappers, of returning despotism. We must repulse them, or they will subjugate us.''' ** [[Abraham Lincoln]], ''Letter to H.L. Pierce and others (Springfield, Illinois, April 6, 1859)'', published in ''[http://books.google.de/books?id=wCozjDf2C9QC&pg=PT676&lpg=PT676&dq=The+Democracy+of+to-day+hold+the+liberty+of+one+man+to+be+absolutely+nothing,+when+in+conflict+with+another+man%27s+right+of+property.+Republicans,+on+the+contrary,+are+both+for+the+man+and+the+dollar,+but,+in+case+of+conflict,+the+man+before+the+dollar.&source=bl&ots=IUIDU4YgQu&sig=GtkSSXezzBblIhuCZMG5oveTWN0&hl=de&sa=X&ei=lZkHU6fSG8HUtAaOmYHQDw&ved=0CDcQ6AEwAg#v=onepage&q=The%20Democracy%20of%20to-day%20hold%20the%20liberty%20of%20one%20man%20to%20be%20absolutely%20nothing%2C%20when%20in%20conflict%20with%20another%20man's%20right%20of%20property.%20Republicans%2C%20on%20the%20contrary%2C%20are%20both%20for%20the%20man%20and%20the%20dollar%2C%20but%2C%20in%20case%20of%20conflict%2C%20the%20man%20before%20the%20dollar.&f=false Essential American History: Abraham Lincoln - The Complete Papers and Writings, Biographically Annotated, The Papers and Writings of Abraham Lincoln]'', 2012, Jazzybee Verlag Jürgen Beck, 86450 Münster, Germany, ISBN: 97838496200103 * Jefferson was exalted as the patron saint of all good things. The range of causes for which his name was invoked is staggering: democracy and partisanship, states' rights and nationalism, slavery and abolitionism, egalitarianism and racism, imperialism and isolationism, populism and laissez-faire capitalism, the planned and the decentralized society. In the nineteenth century, so long as rural values continued to prevail in America despite the relentless march of industrialization, Jefferson continued to be identified with the agrarian tradition; in the twentieth, when the center of American life and values became the city, his connection with that ideal was all but forgotten, and instead he came to be regarded as the champion of the "have-nots" against the "haves," of the "common man" (or the "forgotten man" or the "little fellow") against aristocrats and plutocrats... The real Jefferson...was lost in the shuffle. So, too, was the America he wanted his country to become; and in a nation of crime-ridden cities and poisoned air, of credit cards and gigantic corporations, of welfare rolls and massive bureaucracies, corruption and alienation, that loss is the more poignant. He and his followers set out to deflect the course of History, and History ended up devouring them and turning even their memory to its own purposes. History has a way of doing that. ** [[w:Forrest McDonald|Forrest McDonald]], ''The Presidency of Thomas Jefferson'' (1976), pp. 168-169 * It may, on the whole, be truly said of him, that he was greatly eminent for the comprehensiveness and fertility of his genius, for the vast extent and rich variety of his acquirements, and particularly distinguished by the philosophic impress left on every subject which he touched. Nor was he less distinguished for an early and uniform devotion to the cause of liberty, and systematic preference of a form of Government squared in the strictest degree to the rights of man. In the social and domestic spheres, he was a model of the virtues and manners which most adorn them. ** [[James Madison]] to J. K. Paulding (April 1, 1831), quoted in ''Letters and Other Writings of James Madison, Fourth President of the United States: Vol. IV, 1829–1836'' (1865), p. 175 * Who was it wrote that – “all men created equal”? It was Jefferson. Jefferson had more slaves than anybody else. ** [[Malcolm X]], '[https://www.marxists.org/reference/archive/malcolm-x/1965/01/afro-amer.html Afro-American History]' (January 24, 1964), ''International Socialist Review'', Vol. 28 No. 2, (March-April 1967), pp. 3-48 * Jefferson was kind to his servants to the point of indulgence, and within the framework of an institution he disliked he saw that they were well provided for. His ‘people’ were devoted to him. ** [[w:Dumas Malone|Dumas Malone]] as quoted in ''[http://www.smithsonianmag.com/history/the-dark-side-of-thomas-jefferson-35976004/ The Dark Side of Thomas Jefferson]'', by Henry Wiencek, ''Smithsonian Magazine'', (October 2012) * The two major achievements of Jefferson's presidency were the [[w:Louisiana Purchase|Louisiana Purchase]] and the [[w:Act Prohibiting Importation of Slaves|abolition of the slave trade]]. ** [[w:John Chester Miller|John Chester Miller]], ''The Wolf by the Ears: Thomas Jefferson and Slavery'' (1977; 1994), p. 142 * When Mr. Jefferson wrote that one of his associates in [[George Washington|Washington]]'s cabinet was "a fool and a blabber," his words, taken in their context, make exactly the same impression of calm, disinterested and objective appraisal as if he had remarked that the man had black hair and brown eyes. ** [[Albert Jay Nock]], in [http://alumnus.caltech.edu/~ckank/FultonsLair/013/nock/free_speech.html "Free Speech and Plain Language" in ''The Atlantic Monthly'' (January 1936)] * I believe that in the next century, as blacks and Hispanics and Asians acquire increasing influence in American society, the Jeffersonian liberal tradition, which is already intellectually untenable, will become socially and politically untenable as well. I also believe that the [[w:American civil religion|American civil religion]], official version...will have to be reformed in a manner that will downgrade and eventually exclude Thomas Jefferson. Finally, I believe that Jefferson will, nonetheless, continue to be a power in America in the area where the mystical side of Jefferson really belongs: among the radical, violent anti-Federal libertarian fanatics: the very same paranoid conspirators against whose grasp [[Bill Clinton|President Clinton]] is rightly resolved to defend “our sacred symbols.” ** [[Conor Cruise O'Brien]], ''The Long Affair: Thomas Jefferson and the French Revolution, 1785–1800'' (1996; 1998), p. 318 * If Jefferson was wrong, America is wrong. If America is right, Jefferson was right. ** [[w:James Parton|James Parton]], ''Life of Thomas Jefferson: Third President of the United States'' (1874), p. iii * More than 20 years after [[w:CBS|CBS]] executives were pressured by Jefferson [[historians]] to drop plans for a mini-series on Jefferson and Hemings, the network airs ''Sally Hemings: An American Scandal''. Though many quarreled with the portrayal of Hemings as unrealistically [[modern]] and [[heroic]], no major historian [[challenged]] the series' premise that Hemings and Jefferson had a 38-year relationship that produced [[children]]. ** "The History of a Secret". ''Jefferson's Blood''. PBS Frontline. May 2000. * Mr. Js Mechanics and his entire household of servants...consisted of one family connection and their wives. ** Jeff Randolph (his grandson) as quoted in ''[http://www.smithsonianmag.com/history/the-dark-side-of-thomas-jefferson-35976004/ The Dark Side of Thomas Jefferson]'', by Henry Wiencek, ''Smithsonian Magazine'', (October 2012) * [S]he [[w:Sally Hemings|Hemings]] had [[children]] which resembled Mr. Jefferson so closely that it was plain that they had his blood in their veins ... He [Randolph] said in one instance, a gentleman dining with Mr. Jefferson, looked so startled as he raised his eyes from the latter to the servant behind him, that his discovery of the resemblance was perfectly obvious to all. ** "Letter from Henry Randall to James Parton, June 1, 1868". Jefferson's Blood. PBS Frontline. 2000. Retrieved September 18, 2011 * If these people who call themselves liberals, thereby degrading a noble word, aren't really liberals, then what are they? ... They are glib—gliberals. ... The Stevensons, Kennedys and Humphreys are able to flit from one position to another without the modifying transitions, because they say it so pretty. Honeyed words, swiftly delivered like cats scurrying up a wet fence; liberally seasoned with anecdotes, catchy syntax, Biblical quotations, Shakespeare; writing techniques introduced by early political writers like Thomas Jefferson, the founding Gliberal, a slaveowner who insisted that the Bill of Rights be added to the Constitution. ** [[w:Ishmael Reed|Ishamel Reed]], '[https://www.nytimes.com/1973/03/31/archives/gliberals.html Gliberals]', ''The New York Times'' (March 31, 1973), p. 35 * If Jefferson could return to our councils he would find that while economic changes of a century have changed the necessary methods of government action, the principles of that action are still wholly his own. ... Government with him was a means to an end, not an end in itself; it might be either a refuge and a help or a threat and a danger, depending on circumstances. ** [[Franklin Delano Roosevelt]], ''Looking Forward'' [1933] (2009), pp. xii, 5 * Thank Heaven, I have never hesitated to criticize Jefferson; he was infinitely below Hamilton. I think the worship of Jefferson a discredit to my country. ** [[Theodore Roosevelt]] to F. S. Oliver (August 8, 1906), quoted in Joseph Bucklin Bishop, ''Theodore Roosevelt and His Time Shown in His Own Letters: Volume II'' (1920), p. 23 * Born in 1743, Thomas Jefferson- third President of the United States, author of the Declaration of Independence, governor of Virginia, and founder of the University of Virginia- voiced the aspirations of a new America as no other individual of his era. As public official, historian, philosopher, and plantation owner, he served his country for more than five decades. Jefferson designed and built his mountaintop home, Monticello (Italian for "little mountain") between 1768 and 1809. He saw to it that Monticello was unlike any other American house of his day. It is truly one of the nation's architectural masterpieces and is the only American home ever named to UNESCO's World Heritage List (along with such international treasures as the Taj Mahal, the pyramids of Egypt, Versailles, and the Great Wall of China). Monticello draws visitors from around the world. The neoclassical style is highlighted by the dramatic dome, which appears on the back of the U.S. nickel. A tour of the house and grounds reveals many unique facts about Jefferson and his house, and much state and American history. ** Lynn Seldon, ''52 Virginia Weekends: Great Getaways and Adventures for Every Season'', (2000), 2nd edition, p. 33 * Jefferson died on the fiftieth anniversary of the adoption of the Declaration of Independence. This was on July 4, 1826. He had lived a full life of eighty-three years. He appealed to and expressed America's better self, and as a statesman believed in America and the people of America. He kept his fine ideals, his simplicity, his youthful mind, and his hopeful outlook to the very last. ** Francis Butler Simkins, Spotswood Hunnicutt, Sidman P. Poole, ''Virginia: History, Government, Geography'' (1957), p. 314 * Jefferson in his forecast, had anticipated this, as the 'rock upon which the old Union would split'. '''He was right. What was conjecture with him, is now a realized fact. But whether he fully comprehended the great truth upon which that rock stood and stands, may be doubted. The prevailing ideas entertained by him and most of the leading statesmen at the time of the formation of the old constitution, were that the enslavement of the African was in violation of the laws of nature; that it was wrong in principle, socially, morally, and politically'''. It was an evil they knew not well how to deal with, but the general opinion of the men of that day was that, somehow or other in the order of Providence, the institution would be evanescent and pass away. '''[[w:All men are created equal|This idea]], though not incorporated in the constitution, was the prevailing idea at that time. The constitution, it is true, secured every essential guarantee to the institution while it should last, and hence no argument can be justly urged against the constitutional guarantees thus secured, because of the common sentiment of the day. Those ideas, however, were fundamentally wrong. They rested upon the assumption of the equality of races. This was an error.''' ** [[Alexander H. Stephens]], [http://web.archive.org/web/20130822142313/http://teachingamericanhistory.org/library/document/cornerstone-speech/ ''The Cornerstone Speech''] (1861), Savannah, Georgia * '''We deny''', without regard to color, '''that 'all men are created equal'; it is not true''' now, and was not true when [[w:Thomas Jefferson|Jefferson]] wrote it. ** [[Benjamin Tillman]], as quoted in ''Pitchfork Ben Tillman, South Carolinian'' (1967), by Francis Butler Simkins. Louisiana State University Press. OCLC 1877696, p. 144 * This very verse, brethren, having emanated from Mr. Jefferson, a much greater philosopher the world never afforded, has in truth injured us more, and has been as great a barrier to our emancipation as any thing that has ever been advanced against us. ... I pledge you my sacred word of honour, that Mr. Jefferson's remarks respecting us, have sunk deep into the hearts of millions of the whites, and never will be removed this side of eternity. ** [[w:David Walker (abolitionist)|David Walker]] on Jefferson's Query XIV in ''Notes on the State of Virginia'' (September 28, 1829), quoted in Peter P. Hinks, ''David Walker's Appeal to the Coloured Citizens of the World'' (2010), pp. 29–30 * Jefferson expressed the American idea: political and social pluralism; government of limited, delegated and enumerated powers; the fecundity of freedom. He expressed it not only in stirring cadences, but also in the way he lived, as statesman, scientist, architect, educator. Jeffersonianism is what free men believe. Jefferson is what a free person looks like—confident, serene, rational, disciplined, temperate, tolerant, curious. In fine, Jefferson is the Person of the Millennium. ** [[George Will]], '[https://www.washingtonpost.com/archive/opinions/1990/12/16/person-of-the-millennium/bb1a4c35-e7aa-41dc-8976-3258850be634/ Person of the Millennium]', ''The Washington Post'' (December 16, 1990) * They talk about Thomas Jefferson. ... A coward! A man who dared confess a disbelief in the divinity of Christ and be a candidate for the Presidency in the eighteenth century? A coward! The man who dared drag up by the roots primogeniture and entail against the opposition of all the old Virginia aristocracy in the Virginia House of Burgesses, against the protests of the Pendletons and the Randolphs and the Lees and the Washingtons and the Harrisons and I believe the Careys and nearly all the balance of them. A coward! The American President who threw down the gauntlet to Napoleon the Great and informed him of the fact that if the Mississippi River fell into the hands of France it would be a cause of unending conflict between the two nations. ... Oh, this hatred, this old federalistic relic of hatred of Thomas Jefferson would be pathetic if it was not amusing. ** [[w:John Sharp Williams|John Sharp Williams]], speech in the House of Representatives (January 26, 1904), quoted in ''Congressional Record: The Proceedings and Debates of the Fifty-Eighth Congress, Second Session. Volume XXXVIII, Part II'' (1904), col. 1226 * Jefferson's objects have not fallen out of date. They are our own objects, if we be faithful to any ideals whatever; and the question we ask ourselves is not, How would Jefferson have pursued them in his day? but How shall we pursue them in ours? It is the spirit, not the tenets of the man by which he rules us from his urn. ** [[Woodrow Wilson]], speech in New York (April 16, 1906), quoted in Jeffrey Legh Sedgwick, ‘Jeffersonianism in the Progressive Era’, in Gary L. McDowell and Sharon L. Noble (eds.), ''Reason and Republicanism: Thomas Jefferson's Legacy of Liberty'' (1997), p. 202 == Primary sources == * ''Thomas Jefferson: Writings: Autobiography / Notes on the State of Virginia / Public and Private Papers / Addresses / Letters'' (1984, {{ISBN|0-940450-16-X}} [[w:Library of America|Library of America]] edition; see discussion of sources at [http://www.loa.org/volume.jsp?RequestID=67&section=notes]. There are numerous one-volume collections; this is perhaps the best place to start. * ''Thomas Jefferson, Political Writings'' ed by Joyce Appleby and Terence Ball. Cambridge University Press. 1999 * [http://www.constitution.org/tj/jeff.htm Lipscomb, Andrew A. and Albert Ellery Bergh, eds. ''The Writings Of Thomas Jefferson'' 19 vol. (1907)] not as complete nor as accurate as Boyd edition, but covers TJ from 1801 to his death. It is out of copyright, and so is online free. * Boyd, Julian P. et al, eds. ''The Papers of Thomas Jefferson.'' The definitive multivolume edition; available at major academic libraries. 31 volumes covers TJ to 1800, with 1801 due out in 2006. See description at [http://www.princeton.edu/~tjpapers/index.html] * [http://etext.lib.virginia.edu/jefferson/quotations/foley/ ''The Jefferson Cyclopedia'' (1900)] large collection of TJ quotations arranged by 9000 topics; searchable; copyright has expired and it is online free. * The Thomas Jefferson Papers, 1606-1827, 27,000 original manuscript documents at the Library of Congress. [http://memory.loc.gov/ammem/collections/jefferson_papers/ online collection] * Jefferson, Thomas. ''Notes on the State of Virginia'' (1787), London: Stockdale. This was Jefferson's only book. ** [http://etext.lib.virginia.edu/toc/modeng/public/JefVirg.html online edition] * Adams, Dickinson W., ed. ''Jefferson's Extracts from the Gospels'' (1983). All three of Jefferson's versions of the Gospels, with [[relevant]] correspondence about his religious opinions. Valuable introduction by Eugene Sheridan. * Bear, Jr., James A., ed. ''Jefferson's Memorandum Books'', 2 vols. (1997). Jefferson's account books with records of daily expenses. * Cappon, Lester J., ed. ''The Adams-Jefferson Letters'' (1959) * Smith, James Morton, ed. ''The Republic of Letters: The Correspondence between Thomas Jefferson and James Madison, 1776-1826'', 3 vols. (1995) == See also == * [[Founding Fathers of the United States]] * [[List of presidents of the United States]] {{Social and political philosophers}} == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{wikisource author}} {{commons|Thomas Jefferson}} * [http://www.whitehouse.gov/history/presidents/tj3.html Brief biography at The White House] * [http://memory.loc.gov/ammem/mtjhtml/mtjhome.html "The Thomas Jefferson Papers" at the Library of Congress] * [http://etext.lib.virginia.edu/jefferson/ Jefferson Digital Archive at The University of Virginia] * [http://oll.libertyfund.org/ToC/0054.php ''The Works of Thomas Jefferson'' (12 Vols. 1905), Edited by Paul Leicester Ford] * [http://www.monticello.org/ Monticello - Jefferson's Home (with extensive Quicktime panoramic images)] * [http://www.pbs.org/jefferson/ Thomas Jefferson] A film by [[w:Ken Burns|Ken Burns]] at PBS * [http://www.nps.gov/thje/ The Thomas Jefferson Memorial in Washington D.C.] * [http://sc94.ameslab.gov/TOUR/tjefferson.html Jefferson biography] * [http://sources.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Declaration_of_Independence "The Declaration of Independence" at Wikisource] * [http://www.loc.gov/exhibits/declara/declara3.html Drafting the "Declaration of Independence" at the Library of Congress] * [http://www.constitution.org/tj/tj-orddoi.htm Initial drafts of ''The Declaration of Independence (with photographs)] * [http://www.rjgeib.com/thoughts/jefferson/jefferson.html Jefferson's last letter] * [http://www.writespirit.net/authors/thomas_jefferson/quotes_war_jefferson Quotes on War and Peace by T.Jefferson] * [http://www.positiveatheism.org/hist/quotes/jefferson.htm Quotes of Jefferson at Positive Atheism] * [http://etext.virginia.edu/jefferson/quotations/jeff1325.htm University of Virginia - Thomas Jefferson on Politics & Government] * [http://www.let.rug.nl/usa/presidents/thomas-jefferson/letters-of-thomas-jefferson/ The Letters of Thomas Jefferson] {{DEFAULTSORT:Jefferson, Thomas}} [[Category:Founding Fathers of the United States of America]] [[Category:Unitarians from the United States]] [[Category:Presidents of the United States]] [[Category:United States Secretaries of State]] [[Category:People from Virginia]] [[Category:1743 births]] [[Category:1826 deaths]] [[Category:Philosophers from the United States]] [[Category:Ambassadors of the United States]] [[Category:Lawyers from the United States]] [[Category:Non-fiction authors from the United States]] [[Category:American architects]] [[Category:Inventors]] [[Category:Deists]] [[Category:Skeptics]] [[Category:United States presidential candidates, 1804]] [[Category:United States presidential candidates, 1800]] [[Category:United States presidential candidates, 1796]] [[Category:United States presidential candidates, 1792]] [[Category:Vice Presidents of the United States]] [[Category:Enlightenment]] [[Category:Secularists]] [[Category:People of the American Revolution]] n3vjw00luzih2qth2cb4pedbkzrsckw 0 55986 3153160 3144672 2022-08-10T08:30:12Z AC9016 2870313 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} [[File:Harry Potter and the Forbidden Journey by night USJ.JPG|thumb|It is not our abilities that show us what we truly are. It is our choices.]] '''''[[w:Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (film)|Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets]]''''' is a [[w:2002 in film|2002 film]] in which Harry ignores warnings not to return to Hogwarts, only to find the school plagued by a series of mysterious attacks and a strange voice haunting him. :''Directed by [[w:Chris Columbus|Chris Columbus]]. Written by [[w:Steve Kloves|Steve Kloves]], based on the [[Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets|book of the same name]] by [[J. K. Rowling]].'' <div style="width:90%; margin:0 auto 0 auto; text-align: center;>'''Hogwarts is Back in Session''' ([[#taglines|taglines]])</div>\ [[File:Rubber Duck (8374802487).jpg|thumb|Now, Harry, you must know all about Muggles. Tell me. What exactly is the function of a rubber duck?]] [[File:Gold stater MET DP138743.jpg|thumb|"What's the use of being a disgrace to the name of wizard... if they don't even pay you well for it?"<br>"We have a ''very'' different idea about what disgraces the name of wizard, Malfoy."]] [[File:Slytherin.png|thumb|So... this is what Dumbledore sends his great defender: a songbird and an old hat. ''Speak to me, Slytherin, greatest of the Hogwarts Four.'' Let's match the power of Lord Voldemort, Heir of Slytherin, against the famous Harry Potter.]] [[File:Harry Potter wordmark.svg|thumb|"Well... let us hope that Mr. Potter will always be around to save the day." <br>"Don't worry. I will be."]] == Harry Potter == * We know one thing. Hagrid never opened the Chamber of Secrets. He was innocent. * There's no Hogwarts without you, Hagrid. == Ron Weasley == * ''[When seeing the Gryffindor team and the Slytherin team confronting each other]'' Uh-oh. I smell trouble. * That would be a cheerful visit. "Hello, Hagrid. Tell us, have you been setting anything mad and hairy loose in the castle lately?" * "Follow the spiders! Follow the spiders!" If Hagrid ever gets out of Azkaban, I'll kill him! == Hermione Granger == * "The Chamber of Secrets has been opened, Enemies of the heir, beware." It's written in blood. * ''[About Myrtle]'' She's a ''little'' sensitive. == Gilderoy Lockhart == *Me? Gilderoy Lockhart, Order of Merlin, Third Class, Honorary Member of the Dark Force Defence League, and five-time winner of Witch Weekly's Most Charming Smile Award — but I don’t talk about that. I didn’t get rid of the Bandon Banshee by smiling at her! * Amazing! This is just like ''magic!'' == Albus Dumbledore == * It is not our abilities that show us what we truly are. It is our choices. * In light of recent events, as a school treat&ndash; all exams have been cancelled! == Arthur Weasley == * Now, Harry, you must know all about Muggles. Tell me. What exactly is the function of a rubber duck? == Ginny Weasley == * Harry, it was me. But I swear. I didn't mean to. Riddle made me, and&ndash; ''[Looks at Harry's wound from the snake he killed]'' Harry, you're hurt. == Moaning Myrtle == * I wouldn't expect you to know me. Who would ever talk about ugly, miserable, moping, Moaning Myrtle? * Oh, Harry? If you die down there, you're welcome to share my toilet. ''[Giggles]'' == Tom Marvolo Riddle == * Yes, Potter, the process is nearly complete. In a few minutes, Ginny Weasley will be dead. And I will cease to be a memory. Lord Voldemort will return&ndash; very&ndash; much&ndash; alive. * Funny, the damage a silly little book can do, especially in the hands of a silly little girl. == Dialogue == :''[Malfoy corners Harry, Hermione, and the Weasley children at Flourish & Blotts Bookstore after Harry unwillingly gets his picture taken with Lockhart.]'' :'''Draco''': Bet you '''''loved''''' that, didn't you, Potter? Famous Harry Potter can't even go into a '''''bookshop''''' without making the front page. :'''Ginny''': Leave him alone. :'''Draco''': ''[Smirking]'' Oh, look, Potter. You've got yourself a '''''girlfriend'''''. :'''Lucius Malfoy''': ''[Places the silver snake of his walking stick on Draco's shoulder]'' Now, now, Draco. Play nicely. ''[To Harry]'' Mr. Potter. Lucius Malfoy. We meet at last. ''[Pulls Harry closer]'' Forgive me. ''[Uses the silver snake to pull back Harry's bangs; sees his scar]'' Your scar is legend. As, of course, is the wizard who gave it to you. :'''Harry''': ''[Firmly]'' Voldemort killed my parents. He was nothing more than a murderer. :'''Lucius Malfoy''': Hmm, you must be very brave to mention his name. Or very foolish. :'''Hermione''': ''[Indirectly quoting Dumbledore]'' Fear of a name only increases fear of the thing itself. :'''Lucius Malfoy''': And you must be Miss Granger. Yes, Draco's told me all about you... and your parents. ''[Glances at the Grangers, who are speaking with Arthur]'' Muggles, aren't they? ''[Looks at Ron]'' Let me see. Red hair, vacant expressions... ''[Takes a book out of Ginny's cauldron]'' Tatty, secondhand book. ''[Smiles coldly]'' You must be the Weasleys. :'''Arthur Weasley''': ''[Arriving and attempting to ignore Lucius]'' Children, it's mad in here. Let's go outside. :'''Lucius Malfoy''': Well, well, well. Weasley Senior. :'''Arthur Weasley''': Lucius. :'''Lucius Malfoy''': Busy time at the Ministry, Arthur? All those extra raids; I do hope they're paying you overtime. ''[Picks up one of Ginny's books]'' Though judging by the state of this, I'd say not. ''[Places the book back in Ginny's cauldron; another book has been slipped in with it, though only Harry notices]'' What's the use of being a disgrace to the name of wizard... if they don't even pay you well for it? :'''Arthur Weasley''': We have a ''very'' different idea about what disgraces the name of wizard, Malfoy. :'''Lucius Malfoy''': Clearly. Associating with Muggles... And I thought your family could sink no lower. ''[Arthur glares at him]'' I'll see you at work. :'''Draco''': See you at school. :''[Lucius and Draco leave.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Snape is reading a newspaper. On the front cover is the moving image of Arthur's car flying. The headline reads "Flying [[w:Ford Anglia|Ford Anglia]] Mystifies Muggles"]'' :'''Snape''': You were '''''seen''''', by no less than '''''seven''''' Muggles! ''[Throws down the newspaper and glares at Harry and Ron]'' Do you have '''''any''''' idea how serious this is? You have risked the exposure of our world! Not to mention the damage you inflicted on a Whomping Willow that's been on these grounds since '''''before''''' you were born. :'''Ron''': Honestly, Professor Snape, I think it did more damage to '''''us'''''. :'''Snape''': '''''Silence!''''' I assure you that were you in Slytherin and your fate rested with me, the both of you would be on the train home, '''''tonight'''''! As it is... :'''Dumbledore''': They are '''''not'''''. :''[Professor Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall enter the room.]'' :'''Harry''': Professor Dumbledore. Professor McGonagall. :'''Snape''': Headmaster... these boys have flouted the Decree for the Restriction of Underage Wizardry. As such... :'''Dumbledore''': I am well aware of our bylaws, Severus, having written quite a few of them myself. However, as head of Gryffindor House, it is for Professor McGonagall to determine the appropriate action. :'''Ron''': We'll go and get our stuff, then. :'''McGonagall''': What are you talking about, Mr. Weasley? :'''Ron''': You're going to expel us, aren't you? :'''McGonagall''': Not '''''today''''', Mr. Weasley. But I must impress on both of you the seriousness of what you have done. I will be writing to your families tonight, and you will both receive detention. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dean''': Ron? Is that your owl? :''[Errol is flying towards the Gryffindor table with a letter; he crashes into a bowl of chips, knocking them all over the table; Slytherins laugh as Ron nervously picks up the letter and Errol flies off]'' :'''Ron''': That bloody bird's a menace. ''[looks at the letter]'' Oh no! :'''Seamus''': Look, everyone! Weasley's got himself a Howler! :'''Neville''': Go on, Ron. I ignored one from my gran once... ''[looking uneasy]'' It was horrible! :''[Ron nervously opens the Howler and Molly's voice echoes around the hall]'' :'''Molly via Howler''': '''''RONALD WEASLEY!!!''''' ''[The Howler forms itself into a ranting mouth]'' '''HOW ''DARE'' YOU STEAL THAT CAR!! I AM ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTED! YOUR FATHER'S NOW FACING AN INQUIRY AT WORK, AND IT'S ''ENTIRELY YOUR FAULT!!'' IF YOU PUT ANOTHER ''TOE'' OUT OF LINE, WE'LL BRING YOU ''STRAIGHT HOME!!!''''' ''[Ron simply nods, too terrified to speak. The Howler turns to Ginny, who is eating her breakfast; its voice is now quiet and loving]'' Oh, and Ginny, dear, congratulations on making Gryffindor. Your father and I are so proud. ''[The Howler turns back to Ron and blows a raspberry at him, then tears itself to pieces]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ron''': Those are Nimbus Two-Thousand and Ones! How did you get those? :'''Marcus Flint''': A gift from Draco's father. :'''Draco''': You see, Weasley, unlike some, my father can afford the best. :'''Hermione''': At least no one on the Gryffindor team had to buy their way in. They got in on pure talent. :'''Draco''': ''[Annoyed]'' No one asked ''your'' opinion, you filthy little Mudblood. :''[Hermione glares at him with a mixture of hate and hurt]'' :'''Ron''': You'll pay for that one, Malfoy! Eat slugs! :''[Ron's spell backfires, blasting him off his feet. Harry and Hermione rush to his side.]'' :'''Hermione''': You okay, Ron? ''[Ron's face turns green]'' Say something! :''[Ron opens his mouth as if to say something but instead regurgitates a slug.]'' :'''Colin Creevey''': ''[starts taking pictures of Ron]'' Wow! Can you turn him around, Harry? :'''Harry Potter''': No, Colin! Get out of the way. ''[he and Hermione help Ron to his feet]'' Let's take him to Hagrid. ''[Ron regurgitates another slug]'' He'll know what to do. :''[The three of them rush off to Hagrid's while the Slytherins laugh at them.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hermione''': He called me a Mudblood. :'''Hagrid''': ''[Stunned]'' He did not. :'''Harry''': What's a Mudblood? :'''Hermione''': It means "dirty blood". Mudblood's a really foul name for someone who is Muggle-born. Someone with non-magic parents. Someone like me. It's not a term one usually hears in civilized conversation. <hr width="50%"/> :'''McGonagall''': Yes, Miss Granger? :'''Hermione''': Professor, I was wondering if you'd tell us about the Chamber of Secrets. :'''McGonagall''': ''[Seeing everyone's faces]'' Very well. Well, you all knew, of course, that Hogwarts was founded over a thousand years ago, by the four greatest witches and wizards of the age: Godric Gryffindor, Helga Hufflepuff, Rowena Ravenclaw, and Salazar Slytherin. Now three of the founders co-existed quite harmoniously. One did not. :'''Ron''': ''[Sarcastic]'' Three guesses who. :'''McGonagall''': Salazar Slytherin wished to be more selective about the students admitted to Hogwarts. He believed magical learning should be kept within all-magic families &ndash; in other words, "pure-bloods". Unable to sway the others, he decided to leave the school. Now according to legend, Slytherin had built a hidden chamber in this castle, known as the Chamber of Secrets. Though shortly before departing, he sealed it... until that time when his own true heir returned to the school. The heir alone would be able to open the chamber and unleash the horror within, and by so doing, purge the school of all those who, in Slytherin's view, were unworthy to study magic. :'''Hermione''': Muggle-borns. :'''McGonagall''': Well, naturally the school has been searched many times. No such chamber has been found. :'''Hermione''': Professor, what exactly does legend tell us lies within the Chamber? :'''McGonagall''': Well the Chamber is said to be home to something that only the Heir of Slytherin can control. it is said to be the home... of a monster. :''[Hermione stares in shock, and Ron turns to Malfoy, who smirks.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Harry, Ron, and Hermione are walking along a hallway.]'' :'''Ron''': Do you think it's true? Do you think there really is a Chamber of Secrets? :'''Hermione'''': Yes. Couldn't you tell? McGonagall's worried. All the teachers are. :'''Harry''': But if there really is a Chamber of Secrets, a-and it really has been opened, then that means&ndash; :'''Hermione''': The heir of Slytherin has returned to Hogwarts. The question is: who is it? :''[As Harry, Ron, and Hermione are talking, Draco, Crabbe, and Goyle pass by them.]'' :'''Ron''': Let's think, who do we know who thinks all Muggle-borns are scum? :'''Hermione''': If you're talking about Malfoy&ndash; :'''Ron''': Of course, you heard him. "You'll be next, Mudbloods." :'''Hermione''': I heard him. But Malfoy, the heir of Slytherin? :'''Harry''': Maybe Ron's right, Hermione. I mean, look at his family. The whole lot of them have been in Slytherin for centuries. :'''Ron''': Crabbe and Goyle must know. Maybe we could trick them into telling. :'''Hermione''': Even they aren't that thick. But there might be another way. :''[Harry, Ron, and Hermione stop walking.]'' :'''Hermione''': Mind you, it would be difficult. Not to mention we'd be breaking about fifty school rules. And it'll be dangerous. Very dangerous. <hr width="50%"/> :''[In the library, Hermione takes a book about Polyjuice Potion from a shelf and goes over to Harry and Ron, who are trying to find which books they should take from a shelf.]'' :'''Hermione''': Here it is. The Polyjuice Potion. ''[Reads from the book]'' "Properly brewed, the Polyjuice Potion allows the drinker to transform himself temporarily into the physical form of another." :'''Ron''': You mean, if Harry and I drink that stuff, we'll turn into Crabbe and Goyle? :'''Hermione''': Yes. :'''Ron''': Wicked! Malfoy will tell us anything. :'''Hermione''': Exactly. But it's tricky. I've never seen a more complicated potion. :'''Harry''': Well, how long will it take to make? :'''Hermione''': A month. :'''Harry''': A month? But Hermione, if Malfoy ''is'' the heir of Slytherin, he could attack half the Muggle-borns in the school by then. :'''Hermione''': I know. But it's the only plan we've got. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Malfoy starts groaning in pain while lying on a bed. Crabbe and Goyle sit on the bed. Madame Pomfrey comes into the hospital wing holding a Skele-Gro bottle.]'' :'''Madame Pomfrey''': Mr. Malfoy, stop making such a fuss! You can go! :''[Madame Pomfrey approaches a group of students, who are gathering around Harry, who is lying on another bed.]'' :'''Madame Pomfrey''': ''[Motions for some of the students to move out of the way]'' Out of my way! Out of my way! :''[Some of the students move out of the way for Madame Pomfrey to approach a table and put the Skele-Gro bottle down.]'' :'''Madame Pomfrey''': You should've been brought straight to me. I can mend bones in a heartbeat, but growing them back&ndash; :'''Hermoine''': You will be able to, won't you? :'''Madame Pomfrey''': Oh, I'll be able to, certainly. But it'll be painful. :''[Madame Pomfrey pours Skele-Gro into a glass.]'' :'''Madame Pomfrey''': You're in for a rough night, Potter. Regrowing bones is a nasty business. :''[Madame Pomfrey gives the glass to Harry. Harry takes the glass and drinks from it, but spits the Skele-Gro out in disgust.]'' :'''Madame Pomfrey''': Well, what do you expect? Pumpkin juice? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dobby''': ''[Hops on the bed]'' Listen. Listen! Terrible things are about to happen at Hogwarts. Harry Potter must not stay here, now that history is to repeat itself. :'''Harry''': Repeat itself? You mean this has happened before? :'''Dobby''': ''[Gasps and covers his mouth]'' I shouldn't have said that! ''[Picks up the Skele-Gro bottle and hits himself on the head with it repeatedly]'' Bad Dobby! Bad! :'''Harry''': Stop it, Dobby! ''[Takes the bottle off of Dobby's hands and violently grabs him by the mark collar]'' Tell me Dobby. When did this happen before? Who's doing it now? :'''Dobby''': Dobby cannot say, sir. Dobby only wants Harry Potter to be safe. :'''Harry''': No, Dobby. Tell me. Who is it? :''[Dobby hears someone coming. He snaps his fingers and vanishes into thin air.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[At the Dueling Club]'' :'''Lockhart''': Let me introduce my assistant... Professor Snape. ''[Snape grudgingly walks up onto the platform]'' He has sportingly agreed to help me with a short demonstration. Now, I don't want any of you youngsters to worry. You'll still have your Potions Master when I'm through with him! Never fear. ''[Lockhart and Snape approach each other, bow to each other, walk a fair distance apart and ready their wands.]'' One, two, three... :'''Snape''': Expelliarmus! :''[The spell blasts Lockhart across the room.]'' :'''Hermione''': ''[concerned]'' Do you think he's all right? :'''Ron''': ''[laughs]'' Who cares? :'''Lockhart''': An excellent idea to show them that, Professor Snape! But if you don't mind me saying, it was pretty obvious, uh, what you were about to do. And if I had wanted to stop you, it would have been only too easy. :'''Snape''': ''[losing patience]'' Perhaps it would be prudent to first teach the students to block unfriendly spells, Professor? :'''Lockhart''': An excellent suggestion, Professor Snape. Uh... Let's have a volunteer pair. Uh, Potter, Weasley. How about you? :''[Harry walks to the platform steps]'' :'''Snape''': Weasley's wand causes devastation with the simplest spells. He'd be sending Potter to the hospital wing in a matchbox. Might I suggest someone from my ''own'' house? Malfoy, perhaps? :[''Snape throws Malfoy onto the platform]'' :'''Lockhart''': Be careful, Potter. :'''Harry''': Thank you. :''[Harry and Malfoy meet in the center]'' :'''Lockhart''': Wands at the ready! :''[They raise their wands as though they are fencing foils.''] :'''Draco''': ''Scared'', Potter? :'''Harry''': You wish. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Harry runs into the Gryffindor common room. Ron and Hermione follow him.]'' :'''Ron''': ''[Stops Harry]'' You're a Parselmouth? Why didn't you tell us? :'''Harry''': ''[Confused]'' I'm a what? :'''Hermione''': You can talk to snakes. :'''Harry''': I know. I mean, I accidentally set a python on my cousin Dudley at the zoo once. Once. But so what? I bet loads of people here can do it. :'''Hermione''': No, they can't. It's not a very common gift, Harry. This is bad. :'''Harry''': What's bad? If I hadn't told that snake not to attack Justin&ndash; :'''Ron''': That's what you said to it! :'''Harry''': You were there. You heard me. :'''Ron''': I heard you speaking Parseltongue. Snake language. :'''Harry''': ''[Surprised]'' I spoke a different language? :''[Ron nods.]'' :'''Harry''': But I didn't realize&ndash; How can I speak a language without knowing I can? :'''Hermione''': I don't know, Harry, but it sounded like you were egging the snake on or something. Harry, listen to me. There's a reason the symbol of Slytherin house is a serpent. Salazar Slytherin was a Parselmouth. He could talk to snakes too. :'''Ron''': Exactly. Now the whole school's gonna think you're his great-great-great grandson or something. :'''Harry''': But I'm not! I can't be. :'''Hermione''': He lived a thousand years ago. For all we know, you could be. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Using a Polyjuice Potion, Harry and Ron are now disguised as Goyle and Crabbe as they leave the 2nd floor girls' bathroom]'' :'''Harry [as Goyle]''': I think the Slytherin common room's this way. :'''Ron [as Crabbe]''': Okay. :''[Percy Weasley spots them]'' :'''Percy Weasley''': Excuse me! :'''Ron [as Crabbe]''': What are you doing down- ''[Harry hits him; Ron clears his throat and speaks more authoritatively]'' I mean, what are you doing down here? :'''Percy Weasley''': ''I'' happen to be a school Prefect. You, on the other hand, have no business wandering the corridors this time of night. What's your names again? :''[Harry and Ron look at each other uncertainly]'' :'''Ron [as Crabbe]''': Uh... :'''Harry [as Goyle]''': I'm... :'''Draco''': ''[Rounding a corner]'' Crabbe! Goyle! Where have you two been? Pigging out in the Great Hall all this time? ''[looks oddly at Harry, who is still wearing his glasses'' Why are you wearing glasses? :'''Harry [as Goyle]''': ''[Quickly removes his glasses]'' Um... Um... reading. :'''Draco''': Reading? ''[Harry nods]'' I didn't know you could read. ''[Turns to Percy]'' And what are you doing down here, Weasley? :'''Percy Weasley''': ''[sternly]'' Mind your attitude, Malfoy. :''[Draco just smirks and walks off; Harry and Ron follow him to the Slytherin common room.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Draco''': ''[laying down on the couch]'' Well, sit down. ''[both Harry and Ron (disguised at Crabbe and Goyle) awkwardly sit down on the couch together]'' You'd never know the Weasleys were purebloods, the way they behave. They're an embarrassment to the wizarding world. All of them! ''[Ron clenches his fist angrily]'' What's wrong with you, Crabbe? :'''Ron''': ''[gets nudged by Harry]'' Ahem... stomachache. :'''Draco''': Y’know, I'm surprised that the ''Daily Prophet'' hasn't done a report on all these attacks. I suppose Dumbledore’s tryna hush it all up. Father always said Dumbledore was the worst thing that ever happened to this place. :'''Harry''': You're wrong! :'''Draco''': ''[sternly]'' What? ''[stands up]'' You think there's someone here who's ''worse'' than Dumbledore? ''["Goyle" doesn't reply]'' Well? Do you? :'''Harry''': ''[gulps]'' Harry Potter? :''[Draco sits back on the couch, considering this]'' :'''Draco''': Good one, Goyle. You're absolutely right. ''Saint'' Potter. And people actually think that ''he's'' the Heir of Slytherin? :'''Harry''': Well, then, you must have some idea who's behind it all. :'''Draco''': You ''know'' I don't, Goyle. I told you yesterday. How many times do I have to tell you? ''[picks up a small box on the table and shakes it]'' Is this yours? ''[Harry shakes his head]'' But, my father did say this: It's been 50 years since the Chamber was opened. He wouldn't tell me who opened it, only they were expelled. The last time the Chamber of Secrets was opened, a Mudblood died. So, it's only a matter of time before one of them is killed this time. As for me... I hope it's Granger. ''[Ron tries to rush at him, but Harry stops him]'' What's the matter with you two? You're acting very... odd. :'''Harry''': It's his stomachache. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Harry''': It was Hagrid. Hagrid opened the Chamber of Secrets 50 years ago. :'''Hermione''': It can't be Hagrid. It just can't be. :'''Ron''': We don't even know this Tom Riddle. He sounds like a dirty rotten snitch to me. :'''Harry''': The monster had killed somebody, Ron. What would any of us have done? :'''Hermione''': Look, Hagrid is our friend, so why don't we just go and ask him? :'''Ron''': ''[Sarcastically]'' That will be a cheerful visit. "Hello, Hagrid. Tell us, have you sent anything mad and hairy loose in the castle lately?" :'''Hagrid''': ''[Appears from behind]'' Mad and hairy? Yer wouldn't be talkin' about me, now would ya? :'''Harry, Ron, and Hermione''': No! :'''Harry''': ''[notices the canister of liquid Hagrid is carrying]'' What's that you've got, Hagrid? :'''Hagrid''': Oh, it's, uh, flesh-eatin’ slug repellent. For the mandrakes, y’know. Now, according to Professor Sprout, they’ve still got a bit of growin’ up to do. But, once their acne’s been cleared up, we’ll be able to chop ‘em up and stew ‘em, and then we’ll get those people down at the hospital un-Petrified. In the meantime, though, you three... had best be lookin’ after yourselves, all right? ''[turns and walks back where he came from; Neville starts running from in the direction Hagrid’s going]'' Hello, Neville. :'''Neville''': Harry, I don't know who did it, but you'd better come! Come on! <hr width="50%"/> :''[In the Gryffindor common room, the Gryffindor students are talking with each other when McGonagall walks in holding a scroll.]'' :'''McGonagall''': Could I have your attention, please? Because of recent events, these new rules will be put into effect immediately. ''[Reads the scroll]'' "All students will return to their house common rooms by 6:00 every evening. All students will be escorted to each lesson by a teacher. No exceptions." I should tell you this. Unless the culprit behind these attacks is caught, it is likely the school will be closed. :''[McGonagall walks out. The students resume talking with each other. Harry turns to Ron.]'' :'''Harry''': We've got to talk to Hagrid, Ron. I can't believe it's him. But if he did set the monster loose last time, he'll know how to get inside the Chamber of Secrets. And that's a start. :'''Ron''': But you heard McGonagall. We're not allowed to leave the tower except for class. :'''Harry''': I think it's time to get my dad's old cloak out again. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Hagrid is making tea when he hears a knock on his door.]'' :'''Hagrid''': ''[Points a crossbow]'' Who's there? ''[Kicks the door open and points the crossbow outside]'' Hello? Hello? :''[Harry and Ron remove the Invisibility Cloak.]'' :'''Harry''': What's that for? :'''Hagrid''': Oh, nothing. I was expecting. It doesn't matter. Come on in. I just made a pot of tea. :''[Hagrid pours tea in a cup.]'' :'''Harry''': Hagrid, are you okay? :'''Hagrid''': I'm fine. I'm alright. :'''Harry''': Did you hear about Hermione? :'''Hagrid''': Oh, yeah. I heard about that, alright. :'''Harry''': Look, we have to ask you something. :''[Harry, Ron, and Hagrid hear a knock on the door.]'' :'''Hagrid''': Quick, under the cloak. Don't say a word and be quiet, both of you. :''[Harry and Ron go over to a corner. Ron throws the cloak over himself and Harry.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Hagrid is being arrested.]'' :'''Hagrid''': ''[Knowing that Harry and Ron are inside the hut, under the invisibility cloak]'' If... um... If anybody was looking for some stuff, then all they'd have to do would be to follow the spiders. Yep. That would lead ‘em right. That's all I have to say. Oh, and someone will need to feed Fang while I'm away. :'''Fudge''': ''[To Fang]'' Good boy. :''[Hagrid, Lucius, and Fudge leave. Harry and Ron remove the cloak of invisibility.]'' :'''Ron''': Hagrid's right. With Dumbledore gone, there'll be an attack a day. :'''Harry''': Look. ''[Sees a trail of spiders on Hagrid's window]'' Come on. ''[Grabs a lantern]'' Come on, Fang. Come on. :'''Ron''': What? :'''Harry''': You heard what Hagrid said. "Follow the spiders." :'''Ron''': They're heading to the Dark Forest! ''[Harry ignores him]'' Why spiders? Why couldn't be "follow the butterflies"? ''[follows Harry out the door]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Aragog''': Who is it? :'''Harry''': ''[to a terrified Ron]'' Don't panic. :'''Aragog''': Hagrid? Is that you? :'''Harry''': We're friends of Hagrid. ''[A colossal, tarantula-like spider emerges]'' You... You're Aragog, aren't you? :'''Aragog''': Yes. Hagrid has never sent men into our hollow before. :'''Harry''': Well, he's in trouble. Up at the school, there have been attacks. They think it's Hagrid. They think he opened the Chamber of Secrets, like before. :'''Aragog''': That's a lie! Hagrid never opened the Chamber of Secrets. :'''Harry''': Then you're not the monster? :'''Aragog''': No. The monster was born in the castle. I came to Hagrid from a distant land, in the pocket of a traveler. :'''Ron''': ''[notices other giant spiders around them and grabs Harry's jacket to get his attention, whimpering]'' Harry. :'''Harry''': Shush. ''[to Aragog]'' Well, if you're not the monster, then what did kill that girl 50 years ago? :'''Aragog''': We do not speak of it! It is an ancient creature that we spiders fear above all others. :'''Harry''': But have you ''seen'' it? :'''Aragog''': I never saw any part of the castle but the box in which Hagrid kept me. The girl was discovered in a bathroom. When I was accused, Hagrid brought me here. :'''Ron''': ''[whimpers and grabs Harry's jacket again]'' Harry? :'''Harry''': ''[irritated]'' What? ''[Ron points upwards in terror; giant spiders descend and surround them]'' ''[to Aragog]'' Well... thank you. We'll just go. :'''Aragog''': Go? I think not. My sons and daughters do not harm Hagrid on my command, but I cannot deny them fresh meat when it wanders so willingly into our midst. Goodbye, friends of Hagrid. :'''Ron''': ''[to Harry]'' Can we panic now? ''[the spiders move in for the attack]'' Know any spells? :'''Harry''': One; but it's not powerful enough for all of them. :'''Ron''': Where's Hermione when you need her? ''[the flying Ford Anglia suddenly appears]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Harry''': ''[reads the paper from the book taken by Hermione]'' "Of the many fearsome beasts that roam our land, none is more deadly than the basilisk. Capable of living for hundreds of years, instant death awaits any who meet this giant serpent's eye. Spiders flee before it." Ron, this is it. The monster in the Chamber of Secrets is a basilisk. That's why I can hear it speak. It's a snake. :'''Ron''': But if it kills by looking people in the eye, why is it no one's dead? :'''Harry''': Because no one did look it in the eye. Not directly, at least. Colin saw it through his camera. Justin; Justin must have seen the basilisk through Nearly Headless Nick. Nick got the full blast of it. But he's a ghost, he couldn't die again. And Hermione had the mirror. I bet you anything she was using it to look around corners in case it came along. :'''Ron''': And Mrs. Norris? I'm pretty sure she didn't have a camera or a mirror, Harry. :'''Harry''': The water. There was water on the floor that night. She only saw the basilisk's reflection. ''[reads again]'' "Spiders flee before it." It all fits! :'''Ron''': But how's a basilisk been getting around? A dirty, great snake. Someone would have seen it. :'''Harry''': Hermione's answered that too. :''[Harry and Ron read the last word on paper]'' :'''Ron''': "Pipes?" It's using the plumbing?! :'''Harry''': Remember what Aragog said about that girl 50 years ago? She died in a bathroom? What if she never left? :'''Ron''': ''[Realizes]'' Moaning Myrtle. <hr width="50%"/> :'''McGonagall''': As you can see, the Heir of Slytherin has left another message. Our worst fear has been realized. A student has been taken by the monster into the Chamber itself! The students must be sent home. I'm afraid this is the end of Hogwarts. :'''Lockhart''': ''[entering]'' So sorry. Dozed off. What have I missed? :'''Snape''': A girl has been snatched by the monster, Lockhart. Your moment has come at last. :'''Lockhart''': ''My'' moment? :'''Snape''': Weren't you saying just last night that you've known all along where the entrance to the Chamber of Secrets is? :''[Lockhart doesn't answer]'' :'''McGonagall''': That's settled. We'll leave you to deal with the monster, Gilderoy. Your skills, after all, are legend. :'''Lockhart''': Very well. I'll just be in my office getting... getting ready. :'''Poppy Pomfrey''': Who is it that the monster's taken, Minerva? :'''McGonagall''': Ginny Weasley. :''[Harry and Ron are shocked and read the message written in blood on the wall]'' :'''Ron''': ''[reads it]'' "Her skeleton will lie in the Chamber forever". Ginny... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Harry and Ron run into the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom.]'' :'''Harry''': Lockhart may be useless, but he's going to try and get into the Chamber. At least we can tell him what we know! :''[they run into Lockhart's office]'' Professor, we have some information for you. ''[but they find him packing some trunks for a hasty retreat.]'' Are you going somewhere? :'''Lockhart''': ''[Nervously]'' Um, well, yes. Um, urgent call, unavoidable. Gotta go. :'''Ron''': What about my sister? :'''Lockhart''': Well, as to that, most unfortunate. No one regrets more than I. :'''Ron''': You're the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher! You can't go now. :'''Lockhart''': Well, I must say, when I took the job, there was nothing in the job description... ''[tries to run out the door, but Harry blocks him.]'' :'''Harry''': You're running away, after all that stuff you did in your books? :'''Lockhart''': Books can be misleading. :'''Harry''': You wrote them! :'''Lockhart''': My dear boy, do use your common sense? My books wouldn't have sold half as well if people didn't think I'd done all those things. :'''Harry''': ''[Realizing, outraged]'' You're a fraud. You've just been taking credit for what other wizards have done. :'''Ron''': Is there anything you ''can'' do? :'''Lockhart''': Yes. Now that you mention it, I'm rather gifted with Memory Charms. Otherwise, you see, all those wizards would have gone blabbing, and I'd never have sold another book. In fact, I'm going to have to do the same to you. ''[grabs his wand, only to have Harry and Ron aim theirs at him.]'' :'''Harry''': Don't even think about it. :''[Ron motions for Lockhart to drop his wand. Lockhart drops his wand.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Harry:''' It's a snake skin. :'''Ron:''' Bloody hell. Whoever shed this must be 60 feet long, or more. ''[Lockhart pretends to pass out. Ron notices.]'' Heart of a lion, this one. :'''Lockhart:''' ''[jumps up and grabs Ron's wand; aims the wand at Harry, then at Ron, then at Harry again]'' The adventure ends here, boys. But don't fret. ''[points it at Ron]'' The world will know our story. How I was too late to save the girl. How you two tragically lost your minds at the sight of her mangled body. So... ''[aims it at Harry]'' You first, Mr. Potter. Say goodbye... to your memories. '''Obliviate!''' :''[Lockhart is blasted into the ceiling by the spell, having used Ron's broken wand for the job, causing a cave-in that separates Harry from him and Ron.]'' :'''Ron:''' Harry?! Harry! :'''Harry:''' Ron! Ron, are you okay?! :'''Ron:''' I'm fine! :'''Lockhart:''' ''[sits up and grins at Ron]'' Hello. Who are you? :'''Ron:''' Uh, Ron Weasley. :'''Lockhart:''' Really? And, um, who-who am I? :'''Ron:''' ''[to Harry]'' Lockhart's Memory Charm backfired! He hasn't got a clue who he is! :'''Lockhart:''' It's an odd sort of place, isn't it? ''[picks up a rock]'' Do you live here? :'''Ron:''' ''[takes the rock from Lockhart, confused]'' No. :'''Lockhart:''' Really? :''[Ron hits Lockhart on the head with the rock, knocking him out.]'' :'''Ron:''' What do I do now? :'''Harry:''' You wait here and try to shift some of this rock so we can get back through. I'll go on and find Ginny. :'''Ron:''' Okay. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Harry has just entered the Chamber of Secrets. He see Ginny Weasley lying motionless at the end of the chamber.]'' :'''Harry:''' Ginny. ''[Runs to her]'' Ginny. Ginny. Please don't be dead. Wake up. Wake up! :'''Tom Riddle:''' ''[suddenly appears out of nowhere]'' She won't wake. :'''Harry:''' Tom? Tom Riddle? What do you mean she won't wake? She's not...? :'''Tom Riddle:''' She's still alive, but only just. :'''Harry:''' Are you a ghost? :'''Tom Riddle:''' A memory, preserved in a diary for fifty years. :'''Harry:''' ''[touches her hand]'' She's cold as ice. Ginny, please don't be dead. Wake up. ''[Tom picks up Harry's wand]'' You've got to help me, Tom. There's a basilisk-- :'''Tom Riddle:''' It won't come until it's called. :'''Harry:''' Give me my wand, Tom. :'''Tom Riddle:''' You won't be needing it. :'''Harry:''' Listen, we've got to go, we've got to save her! :'''Tom Riddle:''' I'm afraid I can't do that. You see, as poor Ginny grows weaker... I grow stronger. Yes, Harry. It was Ginny Weasley who opened the Chamber of Secrets. ''[flashback of Ginny watching the Chamber's entrance in the toilets open]'' :'''Harry:''' No. She couldn't. I mean, she wouldn't! :'''Tom Riddle:''' It was Ginny who set the basilisk on the mudbloods and Filch's cat. It was Ginny who wrote the threatening messages on the walls. ''[flashback of Ginny writing the massages]'' :'''Harry:''' But why? :'''Tom Riddle:''' Because I told her to. You'll find I can be very... persuasive. Not that she knew what she was doing. She was in, shall we say, a kind of trance. Still, the power of the diary began to scare her, and she tried to dispose of it in the girl's bathroom. ''[flashback of Ginny running into a toilet cubicle and throwing the diary into the toilet]'' And then who should find it... but you? The very person I was most anxious to meet. :'''Harry:''' And why did you want to meet me? :'''Tom Riddle:''' I knew I had to talk to you, meet you if I could. So I decided to show you my capture of that brainless oaf, Hagrid, to gain your trust. :'''Harry:''' ''[angrily]'' Hagrid's my friend! And you framed him, didn't you? :'''Tom Riddle:''' It was my word against Hagrid's. Only Dumbledore seemed to think he was innocent. :'''Harry:''' ''[smiling]'' I bet Dumbledore saw right through you. :'''Tom Riddle:''' He certainly kept an ''annoyingly'' close watch on me after that. I knew it wouldn't be safe to open the Chamber again while I was still at school, so I decided to leave behind a diary; preserving my sixteen year-old self in its pages so that one day, I would be able to lead another to finish Salazar Slytherin's noble work. :'''Harry:''' Well, you haven't finished it this time. In a few hours, the mandrake draught will be ready and everyone who was Petrified will be all right again. :'''Tom Riddle:''' Haven't I told you? Killing mudbloods doesn't matter to me anymore. For many months now, my new target... has been ''you''. How is it that a baby with no extraordinary magical talent was able to defeat the greatest wizard of all time? How did you escape, with nothing but a scar, while Lord Voldemort's powers were destroyed? :'''Harry:''' Why do you care how I escaped? Voldemort was after your time. :'''Tom Riddle''': Voldemort... is my past, present, and future. ''[uses Harry's wand to write his full name in midair: TOM MARVOLO RIDDLE. He slashes the wand and the letters rearrange to become I AM LORD VOLDEMORT, before they fade]'' :'''Harry:''' ''[stunned]'' You. You're the heir of Slytherin. You're Voldemort. :'''Tom Riddle:''' Surely, you didn't ''think'' I was going to keep my filthy Muggle father's name? No. I fashioned myself a new name. A name I knew wizards everywhere would one day fear to speak, when I became the greatest sorcerer in the world! :'''Harry:''' ''Albus Dumbledore'' is the greatest sorcerer in the world! :'''Tom Riddle:''' Dumbledore's been driven out of this castle by the ''mere memory'' of me! :'''Harry:''' He'll never be gone! Not as long as those who remain are loyal to him! ''[Fawkes suddenly enters the chamber]'' Fawkes? ''[Fawkes drops the Sorting Hat to Harry and leaves]'' :'''Tom Riddle:''' So... this is what Dumbledore sends his great defender: a songbird and an old hat. ''[turns to the statue of Salazar Slytherin and speaks in Parseltongue, subtitled]'' ''Speak to me, Slytherin, greatest of the Hogwarts Four.'' ''[The statue's mouth begins to open]'' Let's match the power of Lord Voldemort, Heir of Slytherin, against the famous Harry Potter. ''[The basilisk's snout emerges from the mouth; Harry turns and runs as the creature fully emerges]'' ''[in Parseltongue, subtitled]'' ''Kill him!'' ''[to Harry]'' Parseltongue won't save you now, Potter! It only obeys me! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lucius Malfoy''': The culprit has been identified, I presume? :'''Dumbledore''': Oh, yes. :'''Lucius Malfoy''': And...? Who was it? :'''Dumbledore''': ''[after exchanging a look with Harry]'' Voldemort. :'''Lucius Malfoy''': Ah. :'''Dumbledore''': Only this time, he chose to act through somebody else... by means of this. ''[He holds up Tom Riddle's diary; which Lucius had slipped into Ginny's cauldron. Dobby tugs Harry's sleeve uneasily and looks over at Lucius.]'' :'''Lucius''': I see. :'''Dumbledore''': Fortunately, our young Mr. Potter discovered it. One hopes that no more of Voldemort's old school things should find their way into innocent hands. The consequences for the one responsible would be... ''severe''. :'''Lucius Malfoy:''' Well... let us hope that Mr. Potter will always be around to save the day. :'''Harry:''' Don't worry. I will be. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Harry:''' Mr. Malfoy. Mr. Malfoy! ''[Lucius turns around]'' I have something of yours. ''[Hands him the diary]'' :'''Lucius Malfoy:''' Mine? I don't know what you're talking about. :'''Harry:''' Oh, I think you do, sir. I think you slipped the diary into Ginny Weasley's cauldron, that day at Diagon Alley. :'''Lucius Malfoy:''' You do, do you? ''[Hands the diary to Dobby]'' Well...''[Whispers]'' why don't you ''prove'' it? ''[Harry doesn't answer because he just did]'' Come, Dobby. :'''Harry:''' ''[Whispers to Dobby]'' Open it. :''[Dobby opens Tom Riddle's Diary to find a folded sock inside.]'' :'''Lucius Malfoy:''' Dobby? :'''Dobby:''' Master has given Dobby a sock. :'''Lucius Malfoy:''' What? ''[Turns around]'' I didn't give- :'''Dobby:''' ''[Holding the sock in delight]'' Master has presented Dobby with clothes! Dobby is free! :''[Harry pulls up his pant leg, revealing it was his sock]'' :'''Lucius Malfoy:''' ''[Furious]'' You lost me my '''SERVANT!''' ''[Pulls his wand from his cane and points it directly at Harry. Dobby then stands in his way]'' :'''Dobby:''' You shall ''not'' harm Harry Potter! :'''Lucius Malfoy:''' ''[About to curse Harry]'' ''Avada'' &ndash; ''[Dobby blasts him backwards across the hall; Lucius stands]'' Your parents were meddlesome fools, too. Mark my words, Potter. One day soon, you're going to meet the same, ''sticky'' end. ''[Walks away]'' :'''Dobby''': Harry Potter freed Dobby. How can Dobby ever repay him? :'''Harry''': Just promise me something. :'''Dobby''': Anything, sir. :'''Harry''': ''Never'' try to save my life again. :''[Dobby grins sheepishly]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[last lines]'' :''[In the Great Hall, Dumbledore stands in his seat]'' : '''Dumbledore:''' Ladies and gentlemen, before we begin our feast, let us applaud Professor Sprout and Madame Pomfrey whose Mandrake Juice has been successfully administered to all those who had been petrified. Thank you, professors. :''[Everyone praises Madame Pomfrey and Professor Sprout, sans Malfoy and his gang, and most of the Slytherins. Malfoy scowls bitterly]'' :'''Dumbledore:''' Also, in light of recent events, as a school treat...all exams have been cancelled! :''[The students cheer wildly, except Hermione, who was disgusted by this. As Dumbledore resumes in his seat, McGonagall smiles at him]'' :'''Dumbledore:''' ''[chuckles]'' I've always wanted to say that. :''[Just then the doors open as Hagrid walks in, to the surprise of Harry, Ron, and Hermione]'' :'''Hagrid:''' ''[as he enters the Great Hall, shocking everyone]'' Sorry I'm late. The owl delivering my release papers got all lost and confused. Some ruddy bird named Errol. ''[pause]'' I just want to say... that if it wasn't for you, Harry... you and Ron... and Hermione...Well, I'll be still, you know where, so...I just want to say...thanks. :'''Harry:''' ''[smiling]'' There's no Hogwarts without you Hagrid. :''[Everyone in the Great Hall celebrates except the students of the Slytherin house and Snape. Hermione and Harry glance at each other as they applaud]'' :'''Hermione:''' ''[as she claps]'' Your aunt and uncle would be proud of you. Wouldn't they? :'''Harry:''' ''[as he claps]'' Proud? ''[chuckles]'' They'll be furious! :''[Harry and Hermione laugh together as they join the celebration. Meanwhile, the camera moves back through a glass window and shows Hogwarts at night before the screen fades to black]'' ==Taglines== * The Second Year Begins * Hogwarts is Back in Session * Dobby Has Come to Warn You, Sir * Something Evil Has Returned to Hogwarts * The Chamber of Secrets has been opened. Enemies of the heir...beware! * The Chamber of Secrets has indeed been opened ==Cast== * [[Daniel Radcliffe]] - [[w:Harry Potter (character)|Harry James Potter]] * [[w:Rupert Grint|Rupert Grint]] - [[w:Ron Weasley|Ronald Bilius Weasley]] * [[Emma Watson]] - [[w:Hermione Granger|Hermione Jean Granger]] * [[w:Richard Harris|Richard Harris]] - [[w:Albus Dumbledore|Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore]] * [[w:Tom Felton|Tom Felton]] - [[w:Draco Lucius Malfoy|Draco Lucius Malfoy]] * [[w:Christian Coulson|Christian Coulson]] - [[w:Lord Voldemort|Tom Marvolo Riddle]] * [[Alan Rickman]] - [[w:Severus Snape|Severus Snape]] * [[w:Maggie Smith|Maggie Smith]] - [[w:Minerva McGonagall|Minerva McGonagall]] * [[w:Robbie Coltrane|Robbie Coltrane]] - [[w:Rubeus Hagrid|Rubeus Hagrid]] * [[Bonnie Wright]] - [[w:Ginny Weasley|Ginevra Molly Weasley]] * [[w:Kenneth Branagh|Kenneth Branagh]] - [[w:Gilderoy Lockhart|Gilderoy Lockhart]] * [[w:Julian Glover|Julian Glover]] - [[w:Aragog|Aragog]] * [[w:Mark Williams|Mark Williams]] - [[w:Arthur Weasley|Arthur Weasley]] * [[w:Toby Jones|Toby Jones]] - [[w:Dobby the house-elf|Dobby the house-elf]] * [[w:Shirley Henderson|Shirley Henderson]] - Moaning Myrtle * [[John Cleese]] - Nearly Headless Nick ==External links== {{Wikipedia}} * {{imdb title|id=0295297|title=Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets}} * {{rotten-tomatoes|id=harry_potter_and_the_chamber_of_secrets|title=Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets}} * The Official [http://harrypotter.warnerbros.com/ ''Harry Potter''] Site {{Harry Potter}} [[Category:2002 films]] [[Category:Films based on novels]] [[Category:Fantasy films]] [[Category:Elf films]] [[Category:Films set in schools]] [[Category:Sequel films]] [[Category:Films directed by Chris Columbus]] 32ina42okm7avsy3n8nxb4nv5rgxdro 3153165 3153160 2022-08-10T09:18:46Z AC9016 2870313 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} [[File:Harry Potter and the Forbidden Journey by night USJ.JPG|thumb|It is not our abilities that show us what we truly are. It is our choices.]] '''''[[w:Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (film)|Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets]]''''' is a [[w:2002 in film|2002 film]] in which Harry ignores warnings not to return to Hogwarts, only to find the school plagued by a series of mysterious attacks and a strange voice haunting him. :''Directed by [[w:Chris Columbus|Chris Columbus]]. Written by [[w:Steve Kloves|Steve Kloves]], based on the [[Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets|book of the same name]] by [[J. K. Rowling]].'' <div style="width:90%; margin:0 auto 0 auto; text-align: center;>'''Hogwarts is Back in Session''' ([[#taglines|taglines]])</div>\ [[File:Rubber Duck (8374802487).jpg|thumb|Now, Harry, you must know all about Muggles. Tell me. What exactly is the function of a rubber duck?]] [[File:Gold stater MET DP138743.jpg|thumb|"What's the use of being a disgrace to the name of wizard... if they don't even pay you well for it?"<br>"We have a ''very'' different idea about what disgraces the name of wizard, Malfoy."]] [[File:Slytherin.png|thumb|So... this is what Dumbledore sends his great defender: a songbird and an old hat. ''Speak to me, Slytherin, greatest of the Hogwarts Four.'' Let's match the power of Lord Voldemort, Heir of Slytherin, against the famous Harry Potter.]] [[File:Grinfindor sword-P5120198-black.jpg|thumb|"Well... let us hope that Mr. Potter will always be around to save the day." <br>"Don't worry. I will be."]] == Harry Potter == * We know one thing. Hagrid never opened the Chamber of Secrets. He was innocent. * There's no Hogwarts without you, Hagrid. == Ron Weasley == * ''[When seeing the Gryffindor team and the Slytherin team confronting each other]'' Uh-oh. I smell trouble. * That would be a cheerful visit. "Hello, Hagrid. Tell us, have you been setting anything mad and hairy loose in the castle lately?" * "Follow the spiders! Follow the spiders!" If Hagrid ever gets out of Azkaban, I'll kill him! == Hermione Granger == * "The Chamber of Secrets has been opened, Enemies of the heir, beware." It's written in blood. * ''[About Myrtle]'' She's a ''little'' sensitive. == Gilderoy Lockhart == *Me? Gilderoy Lockhart, Order of Merlin, Third Class, Honorary Member of the Dark Force Defence League, and five-time winner of Witch Weekly's Most Charming Smile Award — but I don’t talk about that. I didn’t get rid of the Bandon Banshee by smiling at her! * Amazing! This is just like ''magic!'' == Albus Dumbledore == * It is not our abilities that show us what we truly are. It is our choices. * In light of recent events, as a school treat&ndash; all exams have been cancelled! == Arthur Weasley == * Now, Harry, you must know all about Muggles. Tell me. What exactly is the function of a rubber duck? == Ginny Weasley == * Harry, it was me. But I swear. I didn't mean to. Riddle made me, and&ndash; ''[Looks at Harry's wound from the snake he killed]'' Harry, you're hurt. == Moaning Myrtle == * I wouldn't expect you to know me. Who would ever talk about ugly, miserable, moping, Moaning Myrtle? * Oh, Harry? If you die down there, you're welcome to share my toilet. ''[Giggles]'' == Tom Marvolo Riddle == * Yes, Potter, the process is nearly complete. In a few minutes, Ginny Weasley will be dead. And I will cease to be a memory. Lord Voldemort will return&ndash; very&ndash; much&ndash; alive. * Funny, the damage a silly little book can do, especially in the hands of a silly little girl. == Dialogue == :''[Malfoy corners Harry, Hermione, and the Weasley children at Flourish & Blotts Bookstore after Harry unwillingly gets his picture taken with Lockhart.]'' :'''Draco''': Bet you '''''loved''''' that, didn't you, Potter? Famous Harry Potter can't even go into a '''''bookshop''''' without making the front page. :'''Ginny''': Leave him alone. :'''Draco''': ''[Smirking]'' Oh, look, Potter. You've got yourself a '''''girlfriend'''''. :'''Lucius Malfoy''': ''[Places the silver snake of his walking stick on Draco's shoulder]'' Now, now, Draco. Play nicely. ''[To Harry]'' Mr. Potter. Lucius Malfoy. We meet at last. ''[Pulls Harry closer]'' Forgive me. ''[Uses the silver snake to pull back Harry's bangs; sees his scar]'' Your scar is legend. As, of course, is the wizard who gave it to you. :'''Harry''': ''[Firmly]'' Voldemort killed my parents. He was nothing more than a murderer. :'''Lucius Malfoy''': Hmm, you must be very brave to mention his name. Or very foolish. :'''Hermione''': ''[Indirectly quoting Dumbledore]'' Fear of a name only increases fear of the thing itself. :'''Lucius Malfoy''': And you must be Miss Granger. Yes, Draco's told me all about you... and your parents. ''[Glances at the Grangers, who are speaking with Arthur]'' Muggles, aren't they? ''[Looks at Ron]'' Let me see. Red hair, vacant expressions... ''[Takes a book out of Ginny's cauldron]'' Tatty, secondhand book. ''[Smiles coldly]'' You must be the Weasleys. :'''Arthur Weasley''': ''[Arriving and attempting to ignore Lucius]'' Children, it's mad in here. Let's go outside. :'''Lucius Malfoy''': Well, well, well. Weasley Senior. :'''Arthur Weasley''': Lucius. :'''Lucius Malfoy''': Busy time at the Ministry, Arthur? All those extra raids; I do hope they're paying you overtime. ''[Picks up one of Ginny's books]'' Though judging by the state of this, I'd say not. ''[Places the book back in Ginny's cauldron; another book has been slipped in with it, though only Harry notices]'' What's the use of being a disgrace to the name of wizard... if they don't even pay you well for it? :'''Arthur Weasley''': We have a ''very'' different idea about what disgraces the name of wizard, Malfoy. :'''Lucius Malfoy''': Clearly. Associating with Muggles... And I thought your family could sink no lower. ''[Arthur glares at him]'' I'll see you at work. :'''Draco''': See you at school. :''[Lucius and Draco leave.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Snape is reading a newspaper. On the front cover is the moving image of Arthur's car flying. The headline reads "Flying [[w:Ford Anglia|Ford Anglia]] Mystifies Muggles"]'' :'''Snape''': You were '''''seen''''', by no less than '''''seven''''' Muggles! ''[Throws down the newspaper and glares at Harry and Ron]'' Do you have '''''any''''' idea how serious this is? You have risked the exposure of our world! Not to mention the damage you inflicted on a Whomping Willow that's been on these grounds since '''''before''''' you were born. :'''Ron''': Honestly, Professor Snape, I think it did more damage to '''''us'''''. :'''Snape''': '''''Silence!''''' I assure you that were you in Slytherin and your fate rested with me, the both of you would be on the train home, '''''tonight'''''! As it is... :'''Dumbledore''': They are '''''not'''''. :''[Professor Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall enter the room.]'' :'''Harry''': Professor Dumbledore. Professor McGonagall. :'''Snape''': Headmaster... these boys have flouted the Decree for the Restriction of Underage Wizardry. As such... :'''Dumbledore''': I am well aware of our bylaws, Severus, having written quite a few of them myself. However, as head of Gryffindor House, it is for Professor McGonagall to determine the appropriate action. :'''Ron''': We'll go and get our stuff, then. :'''McGonagall''': What are you talking about, Mr. Weasley? :'''Ron''': You're going to expel us, aren't you? :'''McGonagall''': Not '''''today''''', Mr. Weasley. But I must impress on both of you the seriousness of what you have done. I will be writing to your families tonight, and you will both receive detention. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dean''': Ron? Is that your owl? :''[Errol is flying towards the Gryffindor table with a letter; he crashes into a bowl of chips, knocking them all over the table; Slytherins laugh as Ron nervously picks up the letter and Errol flies off]'' :'''Ron''': That bloody bird's a menace. ''[looks at the letter]'' Oh no! :'''Seamus''': Look, everyone! Weasley's got himself a Howler! :'''Neville''': Go on, Ron. I ignored one from my gran once... ''[looking uneasy]'' It was horrible! :''[Ron nervously opens the Howler and Molly's voice echoes around the hall]'' :'''Molly via Howler''': '''''RONALD WEASLEY!!!''''' ''[The Howler forms itself into a ranting mouth]'' '''HOW ''DARE'' YOU STEAL THAT CAR!! I AM ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTED! YOUR FATHER'S NOW FACING AN INQUIRY AT WORK, AND IT'S ''ENTIRELY YOUR FAULT!!'' IF YOU PUT ANOTHER ''TOE'' OUT OF LINE, WE'LL BRING YOU ''STRAIGHT HOME!!!''''' ''[Ron simply nods, too terrified to speak. The Howler turns to Ginny, who is eating her breakfast; its voice is now quiet and loving]'' Oh, and Ginny, dear, congratulations on making Gryffindor. Your father and I are so proud. ''[The Howler turns back to Ron and blows a raspberry at him, then tears itself to pieces]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ron''': Those are Nimbus Two-Thousand and Ones! How did you get those? :'''Marcus Flint''': A gift from Draco's father. :'''Draco''': You see, Weasley, unlike some, my father can afford the best. :'''Hermione''': At least no one on the Gryffindor team had to buy their way in. They got in on pure talent. :'''Draco''': ''[Annoyed]'' No one asked ''your'' opinion, you filthy little Mudblood. :''[Hermione glares at him with a mixture of hate and hurt]'' :'''Ron''': You'll pay for that one, Malfoy! Eat slugs! :''[Ron's spell backfires, blasting him off his feet. Harry and Hermione rush to his side.]'' :'''Hermione''': You okay, Ron? ''[Ron's face turns green]'' Say something! :''[Ron opens his mouth as if to say something but instead regurgitates a slug.]'' :'''Colin Creevey''': ''[starts taking pictures of Ron]'' Wow! Can you turn him around, Harry? :'''Harry Potter''': No, Colin! Get out of the way. ''[he and Hermione help Ron to his feet]'' Let's take him to Hagrid. ''[Ron regurgitates another slug]'' He'll know what to do. :''[The three of them rush off to Hagrid's while the Slytherins laugh at them.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hermione''': He called me a Mudblood. :'''Hagrid''': ''[Stunned]'' He did not. :'''Harry''': What's a Mudblood? :'''Hermione''': It means "dirty blood". Mudblood's a really foul name for someone who is Muggle-born. Someone with non-magic parents. Someone like me. It's not a term one usually hears in civilized conversation. <hr width="50%"/> :'''McGonagall''': Yes, Miss Granger? :'''Hermione''': Professor, I was wondering if you'd tell us about the Chamber of Secrets. :'''McGonagall''': ''[Seeing everyone's faces]'' Very well. Well, you all knew, of course, that Hogwarts was founded over a thousand years ago, by the four greatest witches and wizards of the age: Godric Gryffindor, Helga Hufflepuff, Rowena Ravenclaw, and Salazar Slytherin. Now three of the founders co-existed quite harmoniously. One did not. :'''Ron''': ''[Sarcastic]'' Three guesses who. :'''McGonagall''': Salazar Slytherin wished to be more selective about the students admitted to Hogwarts. He believed magical learning should be kept within all-magic families &ndash; in other words, "pure-bloods". Unable to sway the others, he decided to leave the school. Now according to legend, Slytherin had built a hidden chamber in this castle, known as the Chamber of Secrets. Though shortly before departing, he sealed it... until that time when his own true heir returned to the school. The heir alone would be able to open the chamber and unleash the horror within, and by so doing, purge the school of all those who, in Slytherin's view, were unworthy to study magic. :'''Hermione''': Muggle-borns. :'''McGonagall''': Well, naturally the school has been searched many times. No such chamber has been found. :'''Hermione''': Professor, what exactly does legend tell us lies within the Chamber? :'''McGonagall''': Well the Chamber is said to be home to something that only the Heir of Slytherin can control. it is said to be the home... of a monster. :''[Hermione stares in shock, and Ron turns to Malfoy, who smirks.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Harry, Ron, and Hermione are walking along a hallway.]'' :'''Ron''': Do you think it's true? Do you think there really is a Chamber of Secrets? :'''Hermione'''': Yes. Couldn't you tell? McGonagall's worried. All the teachers are. :'''Harry''': But if there really is a Chamber of Secrets, a-and it really has been opened, then that means&ndash; :'''Hermione''': The heir of Slytherin has returned to Hogwarts. The question is: who is it? :''[As Harry, Ron, and Hermione are talking, Draco, Crabbe, and Goyle pass by them.]'' :'''Ron''': Let's think, who do we know who thinks all Muggle-borns are scum? :'''Hermione''': If you're talking about Malfoy&ndash; :'''Ron''': Of course, you heard him. "You'll be next, Mudbloods." :'''Hermione''': I heard him. But Malfoy, the heir of Slytherin? :'''Harry''': Maybe Ron's right, Hermione. I mean, look at his family. The whole lot of them have been in Slytherin for centuries. :'''Ron''': Crabbe and Goyle must know. Maybe we could trick them into telling. :'''Hermione''': Even they aren't that thick. But there might be another way. :''[Harry, Ron, and Hermione stop walking.]'' :'''Hermione''': Mind you, it would be difficult. Not to mention we'd be breaking about fifty school rules. And it'll be dangerous. Very dangerous. <hr width="50%"/> :''[In the library, Hermione takes a book about Polyjuice Potion from a shelf and goes over to Harry and Ron, who are trying to find which books they should take from a shelf.]'' :'''Hermione''': Here it is. The Polyjuice Potion. ''[Reads from the book]'' "Properly brewed, the Polyjuice Potion allows the drinker to transform himself temporarily into the physical form of another." :'''Ron''': You mean, if Harry and I drink that stuff, we'll turn into Crabbe and Goyle? :'''Hermione''': Yes. :'''Ron''': Wicked! Malfoy will tell us anything. :'''Hermione''': Exactly. But it's tricky. I've never seen a more complicated potion. :'''Harry''': Well, how long will it take to make? :'''Hermione''': A month. :'''Harry''': A month? But Hermione, if Malfoy ''is'' the heir of Slytherin, he could attack half the Muggle-borns in the school by then. :'''Hermione''': I know. But it's the only plan we've got. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Malfoy starts groaning in pain while lying on a bed. Crabbe and Goyle sit on the bed. Madame Pomfrey comes into the hospital wing holding a Skele-Gro bottle.]'' :'''Madame Pomfrey''': Mr. Malfoy, stop making such a fuss! You can go! :''[Madame Pomfrey approaches a group of students, who are gathering around Harry, who is lying on another bed.]'' :'''Madame Pomfrey''': ''[Motions for some of the students to move out of the way]'' Out of my way! Out of my way! :''[Some of the students move out of the way for Madame Pomfrey to approach a table and put the Skele-Gro bottle down.]'' :'''Madame Pomfrey''': You should've been brought straight to me. I can mend bones in a heartbeat, but growing them back&ndash; :'''Hermoine''': You will be able to, won't you? :'''Madame Pomfrey''': Oh, I'll be able to, certainly. But it'll be painful. :''[Madame Pomfrey pours Skele-Gro into a glass.]'' :'''Madame Pomfrey''': You're in for a rough night, Potter. Regrowing bones is a nasty business. :''[Madame Pomfrey gives the glass to Harry. Harry takes the glass and drinks from it, but spits the Skele-Gro out in disgust.]'' :'''Madame Pomfrey''': Well, what do you expect? Pumpkin juice? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dobby''': ''[Hops on the bed]'' Listen. Listen! Terrible things are about to happen at Hogwarts. Harry Potter must not stay here, now that history is to repeat itself. :'''Harry''': Repeat itself? You mean this has happened before? :'''Dobby''': ''[Gasps and covers his mouth]'' I shouldn't have said that! ''[Picks up the Skele-Gro bottle and hits himself on the head with it repeatedly]'' Bad Dobby! Bad! :'''Harry''': Stop it, Dobby! ''[Takes the bottle off of Dobby's hands and violently grabs him by the mark collar]'' Tell me Dobby. When did this happen before? Who's doing it now? :'''Dobby''': Dobby cannot say, sir. Dobby only wants Harry Potter to be safe. :'''Harry''': No, Dobby. Tell me. Who is it? :''[Dobby hears someone coming. He snaps his fingers and vanishes into thin air.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[At the Dueling Club]'' :'''Lockhart''': Let me introduce my assistant... Professor Snape. ''[Snape grudgingly walks up onto the platform]'' He has sportingly agreed to help me with a short demonstration. Now, I don't want any of you youngsters to worry. You'll still have your Potions Master when I'm through with him! Never fear. ''[Lockhart and Snape approach each other, bow to each other, walk a fair distance apart and ready their wands.]'' One, two, three... :'''Snape''': Expelliarmus! :''[The spell blasts Lockhart across the room.]'' :'''Hermione''': ''[concerned]'' Do you think he's all right? :'''Ron''': ''[laughs]'' Who cares? :'''Lockhart''': An excellent idea to show them that, Professor Snape! But if you don't mind me saying, it was pretty obvious, uh, what you were about to do. And if I had wanted to stop you, it would have been only too easy. :'''Snape''': ''[losing patience]'' Perhaps it would be prudent to first teach the students to block unfriendly spells, Professor? :'''Lockhart''': An excellent suggestion, Professor Snape. Uh... Let's have a volunteer pair. Uh, Potter, Weasley. How about you? :''[Harry walks to the platform steps]'' :'''Snape''': Weasley's wand causes devastation with the simplest spells. He'd be sending Potter to the hospital wing in a matchbox. Might I suggest someone from my ''own'' house? Malfoy, perhaps? :[''Snape throws Malfoy onto the platform]'' :'''Lockhart''': Be careful, Potter. :'''Harry''': Thank you. :''[Harry and Malfoy meet in the center]'' :'''Lockhart''': Wands at the ready! :''[They raise their wands as though they are fencing foils.''] :'''Draco''': ''Scared'', Potter? :'''Harry''': You wish. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Harry runs into the Gryffindor common room. Ron and Hermione follow him.]'' :'''Ron''': ''[Stops Harry]'' You're a Parselmouth? Why didn't you tell us? :'''Harry''': ''[Confused]'' I'm a what? :'''Hermione''': You can talk to snakes. :'''Harry''': I know. I mean, I accidentally set a python on my cousin Dudley at the zoo once. Once. But so what? I bet loads of people here can do it. :'''Hermione''': No, they can't. It's not a very common gift, Harry. This is bad. :'''Harry''': What's bad? If I hadn't told that snake not to attack Justin&ndash; :'''Ron''': That's what you said to it! :'''Harry''': You were there. You heard me. :'''Ron''': I heard you speaking Parseltongue. Snake language. :'''Harry''': ''[Surprised]'' I spoke a different language? :''[Ron nods.]'' :'''Harry''': But I didn't realize&ndash; How can I speak a language without knowing I can? :'''Hermione''': I don't know, Harry, but it sounded like you were egging the snake on or something. Harry, listen to me. There's a reason the symbol of Slytherin house is a serpent. Salazar Slytherin was a Parselmouth. He could talk to snakes too. :'''Ron''': Exactly. Now the whole school's gonna think you're his great-great-great grandson or something. :'''Harry''': But I'm not! I can't be. :'''Hermione''': He lived a thousand years ago. For all we know, you could be. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Using a Polyjuice Potion, Harry and Ron are now disguised as Goyle and Crabbe as they leave the 2nd floor girls' bathroom]'' :'''Harry [as Goyle]''': I think the Slytherin common room's this way. :'''Ron [as Crabbe]''': Okay. :''[Percy Weasley spots them]'' :'''Percy Weasley''': Excuse me! :'''Ron [as Crabbe]''': What are you doing down- ''[Harry hits him; Ron clears his throat and speaks more authoritatively]'' I mean, what are you doing down here? :'''Percy Weasley''': ''I'' happen to be a school Prefect. You, on the other hand, have no business wandering the corridors this time of night. What's your names again? :''[Harry and Ron look at each other uncertainly]'' :'''Ron [as Crabbe]''': Uh... :'''Harry [as Goyle]''': I'm... :'''Draco''': ''[Rounding a corner]'' Crabbe! Goyle! Where have you two been? Pigging out in the Great Hall all this time? ''[looks oddly at Harry, who is still wearing his glasses'' Why are you wearing glasses? :'''Harry [as Goyle]''': ''[Quickly removes his glasses]'' Um... Um... reading. :'''Draco''': Reading? ''[Harry nods]'' I didn't know you could read. ''[Turns to Percy]'' And what are you doing down here, Weasley? :'''Percy Weasley''': ''[sternly]'' Mind your attitude, Malfoy. :''[Draco just smirks and walks off; Harry and Ron follow him to the Slytherin common room.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Draco''': ''[laying down on the couch]'' Well, sit down. ''[both Harry and Ron (disguised at Crabbe and Goyle) awkwardly sit down on the couch together]'' You'd never know the Weasleys were purebloods, the way they behave. They're an embarrassment to the wizarding world. All of them! ''[Ron clenches his fist angrily]'' What's wrong with you, Crabbe? :'''Ron''': ''[gets nudged by Harry]'' Ahem... stomachache. :'''Draco''': Y’know, I'm surprised that the ''Daily Prophet'' hasn't done a report on all these attacks. I suppose Dumbledore’s tryna hush it all up. Father always said Dumbledore was the worst thing that ever happened to this place. :'''Harry''': You're wrong! :'''Draco''': ''[sternly]'' What? ''[stands up]'' You think there's someone here who's ''worse'' than Dumbledore? ''["Goyle" doesn't reply]'' Well? Do you? :'''Harry''': ''[gulps]'' Harry Potter? :''[Draco sits back on the couch, considering this]'' :'''Draco''': Good one, Goyle. You're absolutely right. ''Saint'' Potter. And people actually think that ''he's'' the Heir of Slytherin? :'''Harry''': Well, then, you must have some idea who's behind it all. :'''Draco''': You ''know'' I don't, Goyle. I told you yesterday. How many times do I have to tell you? ''[picks up a small box on the table and shakes it]'' Is this yours? ''[Harry shakes his head]'' But, my father did say this: It's been 50 years since the Chamber was opened. He wouldn't tell me who opened it, only they were expelled. The last time the Chamber of Secrets was opened, a Mudblood died. So, it's only a matter of time before one of them is killed this time. As for me... I hope it's Granger. ''[Ron tries to rush at him, but Harry stops him]'' What's the matter with you two? You're acting very... odd. :'''Harry''': It's his stomachache. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Harry''': It was Hagrid. Hagrid opened the Chamber of Secrets 50 years ago. :'''Hermione''': It can't be Hagrid. It just can't be. :'''Ron''': We don't even know this Tom Riddle. He sounds like a dirty rotten snitch to me. :'''Harry''': The monster had killed somebody, Ron. What would any of us have done? :'''Hermione''': Look, Hagrid is our friend, so why don't we just go and ask him? :'''Ron''': ''[Sarcastically]'' That will be a cheerful visit. "Hello, Hagrid. Tell us, have you sent anything mad and hairy loose in the castle lately?" :'''Hagrid''': ''[Appears from behind]'' Mad and hairy? Yer wouldn't be talkin' about me, now would ya? :'''Harry, Ron, and Hermione''': No! :'''Harry''': ''[notices the canister of liquid Hagrid is carrying]'' What's that you've got, Hagrid? :'''Hagrid''': Oh, it's, uh, flesh-eatin’ slug repellent. For the mandrakes, y’know. Now, according to Professor Sprout, they’ve still got a bit of growin’ up to do. But, once their acne’s been cleared up, we’ll be able to chop ‘em up and stew ‘em, and then we’ll get those people down at the hospital un-Petrified. In the meantime, though, you three... had best be lookin’ after yourselves, all right? ''[turns and walks back where he came from; Neville starts running from in the direction Hagrid’s going]'' Hello, Neville. :'''Neville''': Harry, I don't know who did it, but you'd better come! Come on! <hr width="50%"/> :''[In the Gryffindor common room, the Gryffindor students are talking with each other when McGonagall walks in holding a scroll.]'' :'''McGonagall''': Could I have your attention, please? Because of recent events, these new rules will be put into effect immediately. ''[Reads the scroll]'' "All students will return to their house common rooms by 6:00 every evening. All students will be escorted to each lesson by a teacher. No exceptions." I should tell you this. Unless the culprit behind these attacks is caught, it is likely the school will be closed. :''[McGonagall walks out. The students resume talking with each other. Harry turns to Ron.]'' :'''Harry''': We've got to talk to Hagrid, Ron. I can't believe it's him. But if he did set the monster loose last time, he'll know how to get inside the Chamber of Secrets. And that's a start. :'''Ron''': But you heard McGonagall. We're not allowed to leave the tower except for class. :'''Harry''': I think it's time to get my dad's old cloak out again. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Hagrid is making tea when he hears a knock on his door.]'' :'''Hagrid''': ''[Points a crossbow]'' Who's there? ''[Kicks the door open and points the crossbow outside]'' Hello? Hello? :''[Harry and Ron remove the Invisibility Cloak.]'' :'''Harry''': What's that for? :'''Hagrid''': Oh, nothing. I was expecting. It doesn't matter. Come on in. I just made a pot of tea. :''[Hagrid pours tea in a cup.]'' :'''Harry''': Hagrid, are you okay? :'''Hagrid''': I'm fine. I'm alright. :'''Harry''': Did you hear about Hermione? :'''Hagrid''': Oh, yeah. I heard about that, alright. :'''Harry''': Look, we have to ask you something. :''[Harry, Ron, and Hagrid hear a knock on the door.]'' :'''Hagrid''': Quick, under the cloak. Don't say a word and be quiet, both of you. :''[Harry and Ron go over to a corner. Ron throws the cloak over himself and Harry.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Hagrid is being arrested.]'' :'''Hagrid''': ''[Knowing that Harry and Ron are inside the hut, under the invisibility cloak]'' If... um... If anybody was looking for some stuff, then all they'd have to do would be to follow the spiders. Yep. That would lead ‘em right. That's all I have to say. Oh, and someone will need to feed Fang while I'm away. :'''Fudge''': ''[To Fang]'' Good boy. :''[Hagrid, Lucius, and Fudge leave. Harry and Ron remove the cloak of invisibility.]'' :'''Ron''': Hagrid's right. With Dumbledore gone, there'll be an attack a day. :'''Harry''': Look. ''[Sees a trail of spiders on Hagrid's window]'' Come on. ''[Grabs a lantern]'' Come on, Fang. Come on. :'''Ron''': What? :'''Harry''': You heard what Hagrid said. "Follow the spiders." :'''Ron''': They're heading to the Dark Forest! ''[Harry ignores him]'' Why spiders? Why couldn't be "follow the butterflies"? ''[follows Harry out the door]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Aragog''': Who is it? :'''Harry''': ''[to a terrified Ron]'' Don't panic. :'''Aragog''': Hagrid? Is that you? :'''Harry''': We're friends of Hagrid. ''[A colossal, tarantula-like spider emerges]'' You... You're Aragog, aren't you? :'''Aragog''': Yes. Hagrid has never sent men into our hollow before. :'''Harry''': Well, he's in trouble. Up at the school, there have been attacks. They think it's Hagrid. They think he opened the Chamber of Secrets, like before. :'''Aragog''': That's a lie! Hagrid never opened the Chamber of Secrets. :'''Harry''': Then you're not the monster? :'''Aragog''': No. The monster was born in the castle. I came to Hagrid from a distant land, in the pocket of a traveler. :'''Ron''': ''[notices other giant spiders around them and grabs Harry's jacket to get his attention, whimpering]'' Harry. :'''Harry''': Shush. ''[to Aragog]'' Well, if you're not the monster, then what did kill that girl 50 years ago? :'''Aragog''': We do not speak of it! It is an ancient creature that we spiders fear above all others. :'''Harry''': But have you ''seen'' it? :'''Aragog''': I never saw any part of the castle but the box in which Hagrid kept me. The girl was discovered in a bathroom. When I was accused, Hagrid brought me here. :'''Ron''': ''[whimpers and grabs Harry's jacket again]'' Harry? :'''Harry''': ''[irritated]'' What? ''[Ron points upwards in terror; giant spiders descend and surround them]'' ''[to Aragog]'' Well... thank you. We'll just go. :'''Aragog''': Go? I think not. My sons and daughters do not harm Hagrid on my command, but I cannot deny them fresh meat when it wanders so willingly into our midst. Goodbye, friends of Hagrid. :'''Ron''': ''[to Harry]'' Can we panic now? ''[the spiders move in for the attack]'' Know any spells? :'''Harry''': One; but it's not powerful enough for all of them. :'''Ron''': Where's Hermione when you need her? ''[the flying Ford Anglia suddenly appears]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Harry''': ''[reads the paper from the book taken by Hermione]'' "Of the many fearsome beasts that roam our land, none is more deadly than the basilisk. Capable of living for hundreds of years, instant death awaits any who meet this giant serpent's eye. Spiders flee before it." Ron, this is it. The monster in the Chamber of Secrets is a basilisk. That's why I can hear it speak. It's a snake. :'''Ron''': But if it kills by looking people in the eye, why is it no one's dead? :'''Harry''': Because no one did look it in the eye. Not directly, at least. Colin saw it through his camera. Justin; Justin must have seen the basilisk through Nearly Headless Nick. Nick got the full blast of it. But he's a ghost, he couldn't die again. And Hermione had the mirror. I bet you anything she was using it to look around corners in case it came along. :'''Ron''': And Mrs. Norris? I'm pretty sure she didn't have a camera or a mirror, Harry. :'''Harry''': The water. There was water on the floor that night. She only saw the basilisk's reflection. ''[reads again]'' "Spiders flee before it." It all fits! :'''Ron''': But how's a basilisk been getting around? A dirty, great snake. Someone would have seen it. :'''Harry''': Hermione's answered that too. :''[Harry and Ron read the last word on paper]'' :'''Ron''': "Pipes?" It's using the plumbing?! :'''Harry''': Remember what Aragog said about that girl 50 years ago? She died in a bathroom? What if she never left? :'''Ron''': ''[Realizes]'' Moaning Myrtle. <hr width="50%"/> :'''McGonagall''': As you can see, the Heir of Slytherin has left another message. Our worst fear has been realized. A student has been taken by the monster into the Chamber itself! The students must be sent home. I'm afraid this is the end of Hogwarts. :'''Lockhart''': ''[entering]'' So sorry. Dozed off. What have I missed? :'''Snape''': A girl has been snatched by the monster, Lockhart. Your moment has come at last. :'''Lockhart''': ''My'' moment? :'''Snape''': Weren't you saying just last night that you've known all along where the entrance to the Chamber of Secrets is? :''[Lockhart doesn't answer]'' :'''McGonagall''': That's settled. We'll leave you to deal with the monster, Gilderoy. Your skills, after all, are legend. :'''Lockhart''': Very well. I'll just be in my office getting... getting ready. :'''Poppy Pomfrey''': Who is it that the monster's taken, Minerva? :'''McGonagall''': Ginny Weasley. :''[Harry and Ron are shocked and read the message written in blood on the wall]'' :'''Ron''': ''[reads it]'' "Her skeleton will lie in the Chamber forever". Ginny... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Harry and Ron run into the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom.]'' :'''Harry''': Lockhart may be useless, but he's going to try and get into the Chamber. At least we can tell him what we know! :''[they run into Lockhart's office]'' Professor, we have some information for you. ''[but they find him packing some trunks for a hasty retreat.]'' Are you going somewhere? :'''Lockhart''': ''[Nervously]'' Um, well, yes. Um, urgent call, unavoidable. Gotta go. :'''Ron''': What about my sister? :'''Lockhart''': Well, as to that, most unfortunate. No one regrets more than I. :'''Ron''': You're the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher! You can't go now. :'''Lockhart''': Well, I must say, when I took the job, there was nothing in the job description... ''[tries to run out the door, but Harry blocks him.]'' :'''Harry''': You're running away, after all that stuff you did in your books? :'''Lockhart''': Books can be misleading. :'''Harry''': You wrote them! :'''Lockhart''': My dear boy, do use your common sense? My books wouldn't have sold half as well if people didn't think I'd done all those things. :'''Harry''': ''[Realizing, outraged]'' You're a fraud. You've just been taking credit for what other wizards have done. :'''Ron''': Is there anything you ''can'' do? :'''Lockhart''': Yes. Now that you mention it, I'm rather gifted with Memory Charms. Otherwise, you see, all those wizards would have gone blabbing, and I'd never have sold another book. In fact, I'm going to have to do the same to you. ''[grabs his wand, only to have Harry and Ron aim theirs at him.]'' :'''Harry''': Don't even think about it. :''[Ron motions for Lockhart to drop his wand. Lockhart drops his wand.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Harry:''' It's a snake skin. :'''Ron:''' Bloody hell. Whoever shed this must be 60 feet long, or more. ''[Lockhart pretends to pass out. Ron notices.]'' Heart of a lion, this one. :'''Lockhart:''' ''[jumps up and grabs Ron's wand; aims the wand at Harry, then at Ron, then at Harry again]'' The adventure ends here, boys. But don't fret. ''[points it at Ron]'' The world will know our story. How I was too late to save the girl. How you two tragically lost your minds at the sight of her mangled body. So... ''[aims it at Harry]'' You first, Mr. Potter. Say goodbye... to your memories. '''Obliviate!''' :''[Lockhart is blasted into the ceiling by the spell, having used Ron's broken wand for the job, causing a cave-in that separates Harry from him and Ron.]'' :'''Ron:''' Harry?! Harry! :'''Harry:''' Ron! Ron, are you okay?! :'''Ron:''' I'm fine! :'''Lockhart:''' ''[sits up and grins at Ron]'' Hello. Who are you? :'''Ron:''' Uh, Ron Weasley. :'''Lockhart:''' Really? And, um, who-who am I? :'''Ron:''' ''[to Harry]'' Lockhart's Memory Charm backfired! He hasn't got a clue who he is! :'''Lockhart:''' It's an odd sort of place, isn't it? ''[picks up a rock]'' Do you live here? :'''Ron:''' ''[takes the rock from Lockhart, confused]'' No. :'''Lockhart:''' Really? :''[Ron hits Lockhart on the head with the rock, knocking him out.]'' :'''Ron:''' What do I do now? :'''Harry:''' You wait here and try to shift some of this rock so we can get back through. I'll go on and find Ginny. :'''Ron:''' Okay. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Harry has just entered the Chamber of Secrets. He see Ginny Weasley lying motionless at the end of the chamber.]'' :'''Harry:''' Ginny. ''[Runs to her]'' Ginny. Ginny. Please don't be dead. Wake up. Wake up! :'''Tom Riddle:''' ''[suddenly appears out of nowhere]'' She won't wake. :'''Harry:''' Tom? Tom Riddle? What do you mean she won't wake? She's not...? :'''Tom Riddle:''' She's still alive, but only just. :'''Harry:''' Are you a ghost? :'''Tom Riddle:''' A memory, preserved in a diary for fifty years. :'''Harry:''' ''[touches her hand]'' She's cold as ice. Ginny, please don't be dead. Wake up. ''[Tom picks up Harry's wand]'' You've got to help me, Tom. There's a basilisk-- :'''Tom Riddle:''' It won't come until it's called. :'''Harry:''' Give me my wand, Tom. :'''Tom Riddle:''' You won't be needing it. :'''Harry:''' Listen, we've got to go, we've got to save her! :'''Tom Riddle:''' I'm afraid I can't do that. You see, as poor Ginny grows weaker... I grow stronger. Yes, Harry. It was Ginny Weasley who opened the Chamber of Secrets. ''[flashback of Ginny watching the Chamber's entrance in the toilets open]'' :'''Harry:''' No. She couldn't. I mean, she wouldn't! :'''Tom Riddle:''' It was Ginny who set the basilisk on the mudbloods and Filch's cat. It was Ginny who wrote the threatening messages on the walls. ''[flashback of Ginny writing the massages]'' :'''Harry:''' But why? :'''Tom Riddle:''' Because I told her to. You'll find I can be very... persuasive. Not that she knew what she was doing. She was in, shall we say, a kind of trance. Still, the power of the diary began to scare her, and she tried to dispose of it in the girl's bathroom. ''[flashback of Ginny running into a toilet cubicle and throwing the diary into the toilet]'' And then who should find it... but you? The very person I was most anxious to meet. :'''Harry:''' And why did you want to meet me? :'''Tom Riddle:''' I knew I had to talk to you, meet you if I could. So I decided to show you my capture of that brainless oaf, Hagrid, to gain your trust. :'''Harry:''' ''[angrily]'' Hagrid's my friend! And you framed him, didn't you? :'''Tom Riddle:''' It was my word against Hagrid's. Only Dumbledore seemed to think he was innocent. :'''Harry:''' ''[smiling]'' I bet Dumbledore saw right through you. :'''Tom Riddle:''' He certainly kept an ''annoyingly'' close watch on me after that. I knew it wouldn't be safe to open the Chamber again while I was still at school, so I decided to leave behind a diary; preserving my sixteen year-old self in its pages so that one day, I would be able to lead another to finish Salazar Slytherin's noble work. :'''Harry:''' Well, you haven't finished it this time. In a few hours, the mandrake draught will be ready and everyone who was Petrified will be all right again. :'''Tom Riddle:''' Haven't I told you? Killing mudbloods doesn't matter to me anymore. For many months now, my new target... has been ''you''. How is it that a baby with no extraordinary magical talent was able to defeat the greatest wizard of all time? How did you escape, with nothing but a scar, while Lord Voldemort's powers were destroyed? :'''Harry:''' Why do you care how I escaped? Voldemort was after your time. :'''Tom Riddle''': Voldemort... is my past, present, and future. ''[uses Harry's wand to write his full name in midair: TOM MARVOLO RIDDLE. He slashes the wand and the letters rearrange to become I AM LORD VOLDEMORT, before they fade]'' :'''Harry:''' ''[stunned]'' You. You're the heir of Slytherin. You're Voldemort. :'''Tom Riddle:''' Surely, you didn't ''think'' I was going to keep my filthy Muggle father's name? No. I fashioned myself a new name. A name I knew wizards everywhere would one day fear to speak, when I became the greatest sorcerer in the world! :'''Harry:''' ''Albus Dumbledore'' is the greatest sorcerer in the world! :'''Tom Riddle:''' Dumbledore's been driven out of this castle by the ''mere memory'' of me! :'''Harry:''' He'll never be gone! Not as long as those who remain are loyal to him! ''[Fawkes suddenly enters the chamber]'' Fawkes? ''[Fawkes drops the Sorting Hat to Harry and leaves]'' :'''Tom Riddle:''' So... this is what Dumbledore sends his great defender: a songbird and an old hat. ''[turns to the statue of Salazar Slytherin and speaks in Parseltongue, subtitled]'' ''Speak to me, Slytherin, greatest of the Hogwarts Four.'' ''[The statue's mouth begins to open]'' Let's match the power of Lord Voldemort, Heir of Slytherin, against the famous Harry Potter. ''[The basilisk's snout emerges from the mouth; Harry turns and runs as the creature fully emerges]'' ''[in Parseltongue, subtitled]'' ''Kill him!'' ''[to Harry]'' Parseltongue won't save you now, Potter! It only obeys me! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lucius Malfoy''': The culprit has been identified, I presume? :'''Dumbledore''': Oh, yes. :'''Lucius Malfoy''': And...? Who was it? :'''Dumbledore''': ''[after exchanging a look with Harry]'' Voldemort. :'''Lucius Malfoy''': Ah. :'''Dumbledore''': Only this time, he chose to act through somebody else... by means of this. ''[He holds up Tom Riddle's diary; which Lucius had slipped into Ginny's cauldron. Dobby tugs Harry's sleeve uneasily and looks over at Lucius.]'' :'''Lucius''': I see. :'''Dumbledore''': Fortunately, our young Mr. Potter discovered it. One hopes that no more of Voldemort's old school things should find their way into innocent hands. The consequences for the one responsible would be... ''severe''. :'''Lucius Malfoy:''' Well... let us hope that Mr. Potter will always be around to save the day. :'''Harry:''' Don't worry. I will be. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Harry:''' Mr. Malfoy. Mr. Malfoy! ''[Lucius turns around]'' I have something of yours. ''[Hands him the diary]'' :'''Lucius Malfoy:''' Mine? I don't know what you're talking about. :'''Harry:''' Oh, I think you do, sir. I think you slipped the diary into Ginny Weasley's cauldron, that day at Diagon Alley. :'''Lucius Malfoy:''' You do, do you? ''[Hands the diary to Dobby]'' Well...''[Whispers]'' why don't you ''prove'' it? ''[Harry doesn't answer because he just did]'' Come, Dobby. :'''Harry:''' ''[Whispers to Dobby]'' Open it. :''[Dobby opens Tom Riddle's Diary to find a folded sock inside.]'' :'''Lucius Malfoy:''' Dobby? :'''Dobby:''' Master has given Dobby a sock. :'''Lucius Malfoy:''' What? ''[Turns around]'' I didn't give- :'''Dobby:''' ''[Holding the sock in delight]'' Master has presented Dobby with clothes! Dobby is free! :''[Harry pulls up his pant leg, revealing it was his sock]'' :'''Lucius Malfoy:''' ''[Furious]'' You lost me my '''SERVANT!''' ''[Pulls his wand from his cane and points it directly at Harry. Dobby then stands in his way]'' :'''Dobby:''' You shall ''not'' harm Harry Potter! :'''Lucius Malfoy:''' ''[About to curse Harry]'' ''Avada'' &ndash; ''[Dobby blasts him backwards across the hall; Lucius stands]'' Your parents were meddlesome fools, too. Mark my words, Potter. One day soon, you're going to meet the same, ''sticky'' end. ''[Walks away]'' :'''Dobby''': Harry Potter freed Dobby. How can Dobby ever repay him? :'''Harry''': Just promise me something. :'''Dobby''': Anything, sir. :'''Harry''': ''Never'' try to save my life again. :''[Dobby grins sheepishly]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[last lines]'' :''[In the Great Hall, Dumbledore stands in his seat]'' : '''Dumbledore:''' Ladies and gentlemen, before we begin our feast, let us applaud Professor Sprout and Madame Pomfrey whose Mandrake Juice has been successfully administered to all those who had been petrified. Thank you, professors. :''[Everyone praises Madame Pomfrey and Professor Sprout, sans Malfoy and his gang, and most of the Slytherins. Malfoy scowls bitterly]'' :'''Dumbledore:''' Also, in light of recent events, as a school treat...all exams have been cancelled! :''[The students cheer wildly, except Hermione, who was disgusted by this. As Dumbledore resumes in his seat, McGonagall smiles at him]'' :'''Dumbledore:''' ''[chuckles]'' I've always wanted to say that. :''[Just then the doors open as Hagrid walks in, to the surprise of Harry, Ron, and Hermione]'' :'''Hagrid:''' ''[as he enters the Great Hall, shocking everyone]'' Sorry I'm late. The owl delivering my release papers got all lost and confused. Some ruddy bird named Errol. ''[pause]'' I just want to say... that if it wasn't for you, Harry... you and Ron... and Hermione...Well, I'll be still, you know where, so...I just want to say...thanks. :'''Harry:''' ''[smiling]'' There's no Hogwarts without you Hagrid. :''[Everyone in the Great Hall celebrates except the students of the Slytherin house and Snape. Hermione and Harry glance at each other as they applaud]'' :'''Hermione:''' ''[as she claps]'' Your aunt and uncle would be proud of you. Wouldn't they? :'''Harry:''' ''[as he claps]'' Proud? ''[chuckles]'' They'll be furious! :''[Harry and Hermione laugh together as they join the celebration. Meanwhile, the camera moves back through a glass window and shows Hogwarts at night before the screen fades to black]'' ==Taglines== * The Second Year Begins * Hogwarts is Back in Session * Dobby Has Come to Warn You, Sir * Something Evil Has Returned to Hogwarts * The Chamber of Secrets has been opened. Enemies of the heir...beware! * The Chamber of Secrets has indeed been opened ==Cast== * [[Daniel Radcliffe]] - [[w:Harry Potter (character)|Harry James Potter]] * [[w:Rupert Grint|Rupert Grint]] - [[w:Ron Weasley|Ronald Bilius Weasley]] * [[Emma Watson]] - [[w:Hermione Granger|Hermione Jean Granger]] * [[w:Richard Harris|Richard Harris]] - [[w:Albus Dumbledore|Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore]] * [[w:Tom Felton|Tom Felton]] - [[w:Draco Lucius Malfoy|Draco Lucius Malfoy]] * [[w:Christian Coulson|Christian Coulson]] - [[w:Lord Voldemort|Tom Marvolo Riddle]] * [[Alan Rickman]] - [[w:Severus Snape|Severus Snape]] * [[w:Maggie Smith|Maggie Smith]] - [[w:Minerva McGonagall|Minerva McGonagall]] * [[w:Robbie Coltrane|Robbie Coltrane]] - [[w:Rubeus Hagrid|Rubeus Hagrid]] * [[Bonnie Wright]] - [[w:Ginny Weasley|Ginevra Molly Weasley]] * [[w:Kenneth Branagh|Kenneth Branagh]] - [[w:Gilderoy Lockhart|Gilderoy Lockhart]] * [[w:Julian Glover|Julian Glover]] - [[w:Aragog|Aragog]] * [[w:Mark Williams|Mark Williams]] - [[w:Arthur Weasley|Arthur Weasley]] * [[w:Toby Jones|Toby Jones]] - [[w:Dobby the house-elf|Dobby the house-elf]] * [[w:Shirley Henderson|Shirley Henderson]] - Moaning Myrtle * [[John Cleese]] - Nearly Headless Nick ==External links== {{Wikipedia}} * {{imdb title|id=0295297|title=Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets}} * {{rotten-tomatoes|id=harry_potter_and_the_chamber_of_secrets|title=Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets}} * The Official [http://harrypotter.warnerbros.com/ ''Harry Potter''] Site {{Harry Potter}} [[Category:2002 films]] [[Category:Films based on novels]] [[Category:Fantasy films]] [[Category:Elf films]] [[Category:Films set in schools]] [[Category:Sequel films]] [[Category:Films directed by Chris Columbus]] 3auqn1saxgssr6eqrm4jkeiyeg6kxgl 0 57515 3152972 3016629 2022-08-09T18:23:29Z DavidESpeed 2143701 /* Quotes About */ Henry Fonda, Walter Matthau wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:BarbaraStanwyckLadyofBurlesque16cropped.jpg|thumb|right|Barbara Stanwyck in ''Lady of Burlesque'' (1943)]] '''[[w:Barbara Stanwyck|Barbara Stanwyck]]''' ([[July 16]] [[1907]] &ndash; [[January 20]] [[1990]]) was an [[w:United States|American]] [[w:actor|actress]] of film, stage, and screen. {{actor-stub}} == Quotes == * I'm a tough old broad from Brooklyn. Don't try to make me into something I'm not. If you want someone to tiptoe down the Barkley staircase in crinoline and politely ask where the cattle went, get another girl. ** Speaking in 1965 with the producers of ''{{w|The Big Valley}};'' as quoted in Gary A. Yoggy, ''Back in the saddle: essays on Western film and television actors'' (1998), Page 122 [http://books.google.co.uk/books?id=pLbMzGDhTOIC&pg=PA122&dq=%22%22tough+old+broad+from+Brooklyn%22%22&hl=en&sa=X&ei=43MyT7SXD6Lc4QTqxMCEBQ&ved=0CDEQ6AEwAA#v=onepage&q=%22%22tough%20old%20broad%20from%20Brooklyn%22%22&f=false] * People talk about 'my career,' but 'career' is too pompous a word. It was a job, and I have always felt very privileged to be paid for what I love doing. ** As quoted in "Barbara Stanwyck: 'I'm a Tomorrow Woman" by Aljean Harmetz, ''The New York Times'' (March 22, 1981), p.&nbsp;A1 * I could understand if they picked Katharine Hepburn, but of course she wouldn't do it. But when they asked me, I thought at first it was a mistake. I thought they got me mixed up with Bette Davis. '''Attention embarrasses me. I don't like to be on display.''' I was always an extrovert in my work, but when it comes time to be myself I'll take a powder every time. ** Speaking with {{w|Rex Reed}} on April 12, 1984, the day she was to be honored by the {{w|Film Society of Lincoln Center}}; as quoted in "Barbara Stanwyck at Seventy-Four: 'Life Was My Only training'," ''New York Daily News'' (April 13, 1981), p.&nbsp;M6 * I never got a Oscar. I never had an acting lesson. Life was my only training. ** op. cit. * My only problem is finding a way to play my fortieth fallen female in a different way from my thirty-ninth. == Quotes About == *There's nothing phony about her, either in life or on the screen. **[[Henry Fonda]], as recounted by [[Jane Fonda]] at the 15th annual {{w|AFI Life Achievement Award}} dinner, as quoted in "Ailing Stanwyck Keeps AFI Date; SRO Tribute to Veteran Actress" by Todd McCarthy, ''Variety'' (April 15, 1987), p.&nbsp;224 *Working with Barbara Stanwyck was one of the greatest pleasures of my career. **[[w:Fritz Lang|Fritz Lang]] *Here was an actress that never played just one side of a character. She always played the truth. I once asked Barbara Stanwyck the secret of acting, and she said, "Just be truthful, and if you can fake that, you've got it made." **{{w|Walter Matthau}}, speaking at the 15th annual AFI Life Achievement Award dinner, as quoted in "Ailing Stanwyck Keeps AFI Date; SRO Tribute to Veteran Actress" by Todd McCarthy, ''Variety'' (April 15, 1987), p.&nbsp;224 *With Barbara Stanwyck, here was a true pro, in her last year of screen stardom. We shot mostly on locations just to save money. One day, I saw her applying her own makeup beside the truck before the shoot. She looked up and just shrugged. Who could blame her? This production was cost-efficient. **[[Fay Wray]], recalling one offscreen encounter during the shooting of ''[[w:Crime of Passion (1957 film)|Crime of Passion]]'' (1957); as quoted in ''Classic Film Stars: Interviews from Hollywood's Golden Era'' (2016) by James Bawden and Ron Miller, p.&nbsp;273 == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Stanwyck, Barbara}} [[Category:Actresses from the United States]] [[Category:Dancers from the United States]] [[Category:Models from the United States]] [[Category:Anti-fascists]] [[Category:1907 births]] [[Category:1990 deaths]] [[Category:People from New York City]] nnt66hm8h8kx9m4ll8zke9nion6cklr 0 57613 3153177 2780107 2022-08-10T11:04:11Z Nolabob 506193 Added quote wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Temple Black 1990.jpg|thumb|Shirley Temple]] '''[[w:Shirley Temple|Shirley Jane Temple]]''' ([[April 23]], [[1928]] – [[February 10]], [[2014]]), later known as '''Shirley Temple Black''', was a child actress starring in over 40 films during the 1930s. She later became a diplomat and United States ambassador. {{actor-stub}} == Quotes == * I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph. ** Quoted in ''The New Penguin Dictionary of Modern Quotations'' by Robert Andrews * Sunnybrook Farm is now a parking lot; the petticoats are in the garbage can, where they belong in the modern world; and I detest censorship. ** Quoted in ''Funny Ladies: The Best Humor from America's Funniest Women'' by Bill Adler, p. 94 * Macho attitudes usually fall victim to hard work, timely humor, and an absence of resentment. ** Quoted in: Kalb, Claudia. "[https://www.smithsonianmag.com/history/shirley-temple-black-second-act-diplomat-180980038/ Shirley Temple Black’s Remarkable Second Act as a Diplomat.]" Smithsonian Magazine, June 2022. == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{commons category}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Temple, Shirley}} [[Category:Actresses from the United States]] [[Category:Dancers from the United States]] [[Category:Singers from the United States]] [[Category:Ambassadors of the United States]] [[Category:Businesspeople from the United States]] [[Category:Anti-communists from the United States]] [[Category:Methodists from the United States]] [[Category:People from Los Angeles]] [[Category:1928 births]] [[Category:2014 deaths]] r5aulfna60yud5mtqmib5zv46txce7n 3153178 3153177 2022-08-10T11:05:57Z Nolabob 506193 Improved formatting wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Temple Black 1990.jpg|thumb|Shirley Temple]] '''[[w:Shirley Temple|Shirley Jane Temple]]''' ([[April 23]], [[1928]] – [[February 10]], [[2014]]), later known as '''Shirley Temple Black''', was a child actress starring in over 40 films during the 1930s. She later became a diplomat and United States ambassador. {{actor-stub}} == Quotes == * '''I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.''' ** Quoted in ''The New Penguin Dictionary of Modern Quotations'' by Robert Andrews * '''Sunnybrook Farm is now a parking lot; the petticoats are in the garbage can, where they belong in the modern world; and I detest censorship.''' ** Quoted in ''Funny Ladies: The Best Humor from America's Funniest Women'' by Bill Adler, p. 94 * '''Macho attitudes usually fall victim to hard work, timely humor, and an absence of resentment.''' ** Quoted in: Kalb, Claudia. "[https://www.smithsonianmag.com/history/shirley-temple-black-second-act-diplomat-180980038/ Shirley Temple Black’s Remarkable Second Act as a Diplomat.]" Smithsonian Magazine, June 2022. == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{commons category}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Temple, Shirley}} [[Category:Actresses from the United States]] [[Category:Dancers from the United States]] [[Category:Singers from the United States]] [[Category:Ambassadors of the United States]] [[Category:Businesspeople from the United States]] [[Category:Anti-communists from the United States]] [[Category:Methodists from the United States]] [[Category:People from Los Angeles]] [[Category:1928 births]] [[Category:2014 deaths]] guqox2su1s3kyedzgs5xryc8w65kaj7 0 61341 3153047 3143335 2022-08-09T23:26:43Z Coningsby 10755 /* External links */ Maurice Cowling wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Images-stories-Photos-roger scruton 16 70dpi photographer by pete helme-267x397.jpg|thumb|When truth cannot make itself known in words, it will make itself known in deeds.]] '''[[w:Roger Scruton|Roger Scruton]]''' (27 February 1944 – 12 January 2020) was a British [[philosopher]], who worked as an academic, editor, publisher, barrister, journalist, broadcaster, countryside campaigner, novelist, and composer. == Quotes == <!-- each quote in this section should be ordered chronologically. --> [[File:Roger_Scruton_(2015),_Prague.jpg|thumb|In argument about moral problems, relativism is the first refuge of the scoundrel.]] [[File:Naturalization ceremony at Kennedy Space Center.jpg|thumb|All of us need an identity which unites us with our neighbours, our countrymen, those people who are subject to the same rules and the same laws as us, those people with whom we might one day have to fight side by side to protect our inheritance, those people with whom we will suffer when attacked, those people whose destinies are in some way tied up with our own.]] * An international socialism is the stated ideal of most socialists; an international liberalism is the unstated tendency of the liberal. To neither system is it thinkable that men live, not by universal aspirations but by local attachments; not by a “solidarity” that stretches across the globe from end to end, but by obligations that are understood in terms which separate men from most of their fellows—in terms such as national history, religion, language, and the customs that provide the basis of legitimacy. ** "How to be a Non-Liberal, Anti-Socialist Conservative," ''Intercollegiate Review: A Journal of Scholarship and Opinion'' (Spring 1993) * Yes, I am in favor of censorship, but it has to be conducted by people like me. And that's the difficulty (laughs). ** [https://www.wsj.com/articles/SB893195477509254000 Interview with Salon.com, 1998] * The modern world gives proof at every point that it is far easier to destroy institutions than to create them. Nevertheless, few people seem to understand this truth. ** [https://www.newcriterion.com/articles.cfm/rousseau-the-origins-of-liberalism-2988 "Rousseau & the origins of liberalism,"] ''The New Criterion'' (October 1998) * Many Britons...feel strongly about something which was once called "the alien wedge". And surely it cannot be doubted, even by those who profess allegiance to the "[[Multiculturalism|multicultural]] society", that our society, unlike [[United States|America]], is not of that kind, and therefore that immigration cannot be an object of merely passive contemplation on the part of the present citizenship. There is perhaps no greater sign of the strength of [[liberalism]] (a strength which issues, not from popular consensus, but from the political power of the [[w:Liberal elite|liberal elite]]) than that it has made it impossible for any but the circumlocutory to argue that the English, the Scots and the Welsh have a prior claim to the benefits of the civilization that their ancestors created, which entitles them to reserve its benefits for themselves. ** ''The Meaning of Conservatism: Third Edition'' (2001), p. 62 *[W]hile it is a long-standing principle of British law that the fomentation of hatred (and hence of racial hatred) is a serious criminal offence, it is not clear that illiberal sentiments have to be forms of hatred, nor that they should be treated in the high-handed way that is calculated to make them become so. On the contrary, they are sentiments which seem to arise inevitably from social consciousness: they involve natural prejudice, common culture, and a desire for the company of one's kind. That is hardly sufficient ground to condemn them as "racist" – an accusation which has no definition in law, and against which there is now no defence. To be accused of [[racism]] is to be guilty of it: this is the great achievement of liberal thinking about nationality. One of the most important conservative causes in our time must surely be the attempt to undo the apparatus of censorship and intimidation, which has effectively silenced the appeal to national identity. ** ''The Meaning of Conservatism: Third Edition'' (2001), p. 62 * From its beginnings the [[Conservative Party (UK)|Conservative Party]] has been characterized by a relatively firm and enterprising fiscal policy, being responsible, not only for constant restrictions on [[free trade]], but also for the introduction of regular income tax, and for legislation which governed the sale and conditions of labour. In the light of history, its post-war conversion to [[w:Keynesian economics|Keynesian economic theory]] might be seen as a natural intellectual development, a further move away from the view...that economic affairs are self-regulating...towards the more plausible view that the posture of the state is all-important, and that, without the state's surveillance, destitution and unemployment could result at any time. And it is perhaps no accident that, when the Conservative Party under [[Margaret Thatcher]] abandoned this conception of the state's economic role, and took up the banner of [[w:Economic liberalism|liberal economics]], it was, in time, deserted by the electorate, so that the old alliance of interests which it had for a century represented suddenly fell apart. The odd thing, however, is that the policy which caused the Conservative Party's collapse – [[w:Free market|free market]] economics, under the aegis of global corporations – is the policy most fervently adopted by the [[w:New Labour|New Labour Party]] of [[Tony Blair]], and will no doubt be the downfall of that Party too. ** ''The Meaning of Conservatism: Third Edition'' (2001), p. 106 * There is no doubt in my mind that, from the third-person point of view, [[monarchy]] is the most reasonable form of government. By embodying the state in a fragile human person, it captures the arbitrariness and the givenness of political allegiance, and so transforms allegiance into affection. ** ''The Meaning of Conservatism: Third Edition'' (2001), p. 193 * In 1970s Britain, conservative [[philosophy]] was the preoccupation of a few half-mad recluses. ** [http://newcriterion.com:81/archive/21/feb03/burke.htm "Why I became a conservative,"] ''The New Criterion'' (February 2003) * [Burke] emphasized that the new forms of politics, which hope to organize society around the rational pursuit of liberty, equality, fraternity, or their modernist equivalents, are actually forms of militant irrationality. ** [http://newcriterion.com:81/archive/21/feb03/burke.htm "Why I became a conservative,"] ''The New Criterion'' (February 2003) * The strange superstition has arisen in the Western world that we can start all over again, remaking human nature, human society, and the possibilities of happiness; as though the knowledge and experience of our ancestors were now entirely irrelevant. ** ''Gentle Regrets: Thoughts from a Life'' (2005) * When truth cannot make itself known in words, it will make itself known in deeds. **"Should he have spoken?", ''The New Criterion'' (September 2006), p.&nbsp;22; also in ''The Roger Scruton Reader'' (2009) edited by Mark Dooley * Hayek’s theory of evolutionary rationality shows how traditions and customs (those surrounding sexual relations, for example) might be reasonable solutions to complex social problems, even when, and especially when, no clear rational grounds can be provided to the individual for obeying them. These customs have been selected by the ‘‘[[invisible hand]]’’ of social reproduction, and societies that reject them will soon enter the condition of ‘‘maladaptation,’’ which is the normal prelude to extinction. ** "Hayek and conservatism", in Edward Feser (ed.), ''The Cambridge Companion to Hayek'' (2006) * Hayek fails to account either for the passion among intellectuals for equality, or for the resulting success of socialists and their egalitarian successors in driving the liberal idea from the stage of politics. This passion for equality is not a new thing, and indeed pre-dates socialism by many centuries, finding its most influential expression in the writings of Rousseau. There is no consensus as to how equality might be achieved, what it would consist in if achieved, or why it is so desirable in the first place. But no argument against the cogency or viability of the idea has the faintest chance of being listened to or discussed by those who have fallen under its spell. ** "Hayek and conservatism", in Edward Feser (ed.), ''The Cambridge Companion to Hayek'' (2006) * Hayek sees that the zero-sum vision is fired by an implacable negative energy. It is not the concrete vision of some real alternative that animates the socialist critic of the capitalist order. It is hostility toward the actual, and in particular toward those who enjoy advantages within it. Hence the belief in equality remains vague and undefined, except negatively. For it is essentially a weapon against the existing order – a way of undermining its claims to legitimacy, by discovering a victim for every form of success. The striving for equality is, in other words, based in ressentiment in Nietzsche’s sense, the state of mind that Max Scheler identified as the principal motive behind the socialist orthodoxy of his day. It is one of the major problems of modern politics, which no classical liberal could possibly solve, how to govern a society in which resentment has acquired the kind of privileged social, intellectual, and political position that we witness today. ** "Hayek and conservatism", in Edward Feser (ed.), ''The Cambridge Companion to Hayek'' (2006) *All of us need an identity which unites us with our neighbours, our countrymen, those people who are subject to the same rules and the same laws as us, those people with whom we might one day have to fight side by side to protect our inheritance, those people with whom we will suffer when attacked, those people whose destinies are in some way tied up with our own. **[http://docuwiki.net/index.php?title=Rivers_of_Blood Rivers of Blood] BBC2 documentary (8 March 2008) * Conservatives have, on the whole, accepted nationality as a sphere of local duties and loyalties, defining an inheritance and a community that has a right to pass on its values from generation to generation. The nation may indeed be the best that we now have, by way of a society linking the dead to the unborn, in the manner extolled by Burke. And for this very reason it arouses the hostility of liberals, who are constantly searching for a place outside loyalty and obedience, from which all human claims can be judged. Hence, in the conflicts of our times, while conservatives leap to the defense of the nation and its interests, wishing to maintain its integrity and to enforce its law, liberals advocate transnational initiatives, international courts, and doctrines of universal rights, all of which, they believe, should stand in judgment over the nation and hold it to account. ** [http://spectator.org/42528_back-basics/ "The Limits of Liberty,"] ''The American Spectator'' (December 2008) * Liberty is not the same thing as equality, and that those who call themselves liberals are far more interested in equalizing than in liberating their fellows. ** [http://spectator.org/42528_back-basics/ "The Limits of Liberty,"] ''The American Spectator'' (December 2008) * A free society is a community of free beings, bound by the laws of sympathy and by the obligations of family love. It is not a society of people released from all moral constraint–for that is precisely the opposite of a society. Without moral constraint there can be no cooperation, no family commitment, no long-term prospects, no hope of economic, let alone social, order. ** [http://spectator.org/42528_back-basics/ "The Limits of Liberty,"] ''The American Spectator'' (December 2008) * Throughout my adult life governments around the Western world have been propagating the gospel of multiculturalism, which tells us that immigrants, from whatever part of the world and whatever way of life, are a welcome part of our “multicultural” society. Differences of language, religion, custom, and attachment don’t matter, they have reassured us, since all can form part of the colorful tapestry of the modern state. Anybody who publicly disagreed with that claim invited the attentions of the thought police, always ready with the charge of racism, and never so scrupulous as to think it a sin to destroy the career of someone, provided he was white, indigenous, and male. To be quite honest, living through this period of organized mendacity has been one of the least agreeable ordeals that we conservatives have had to undergo. Keeping your head down is bad enough; but filling your head with official lies means sacrificing thought as well as freedom. ** [http://spectator.org/38473_multiculturalism-rip/ "Multiculturalism, R.I.P."] ''The American Spectator'' (December 2010) * Conservatives believe that our identities and values are formed through our relations with other people, and not through our relation with the state. The state is not an end but a means. Civil society is the end, and the state is the means to protect it. The social world emerges through free association, rooted in friendship and community life. And the customs and institutions that we cherish have grown from below, by the ‘invisible hand’ of co-operation. They have rarely been imposed from above by the work of politics, the role of which, for a conservative, is to reconcile our many aims, and not to dictate or control them. ** [http://www.spectator.co.uk/2014/01/the-right-way/ "Stand up for the real meaning of freedom,"] ''The Spectator'' (January 2014) * Conservatism is a philosophy of inheritance and stewardship; it does not squander resources but strives to enhance them and pass them on. ** [http://www.spectator.co.uk/2014/01/the-right-way/ "Stand up for the real meaning of freedom,"] ''The Spectator'' (January 2014) * The real reason people are conservatives is that they are attached to the things that they love, and want to preserve them from abuse and decay. They are attached to their family, their friends, their religion, and their immediate environment. They have made a lifelong distinction between the things that nourish and the things that threaten their security and peace of mind. ** [https://www.nationalreview.com/nrd/articles/427945/conservatism-and-conservatory "Conservatism and the Conservatory,"], ''National Review'' (December 2015) * We are not born free, nor do we come into this world with a self-identity and autonomy of our own. We achieve those things, through the conflict and cooperation that weave us into the social fabric. ** ''Where We Are: The State of Britain Now'' (2017) === ''Modern Philosophy'' (1995)=== :[Allen Lane The Penguin Press {{ISBN|0713991402}}] * A writer who says that there are no truths, or that all [[truth]] is 'merely relative,' is asking you not to believe him. So don't. ** "The Nature of Philosophy" (p. 6) * [[Kant]]'s position is extremely subtle — so subtle, indeed, that no commentator seems to agree with any other as to what it is. ** "Some More -isms" (p. 25) * In argument about moral problems, [[relativism]] is the first refuge of the scoundrel. ** "Some More -isms", p. 32 * [[Schopenhauer]] argues that the empirical world exists only as a representation: ‘every object, whatever its origin, is, as object, already conditioned by the subject, and thus is essentially only the subject’s representation.’ A representation is a subjective state that has been ordered according to space, time and causality – the primary forms of sensibility and understanding. So long as we turn our thoughts towards the natural world, and search for the thing-in-itself behind the representation is futile. Every argument and every experience leads only to the same end: the system of representations, standing like a veil between the subject and the thing-in-itself. No scientific investigation can penetrate the veil; and yet it is only a veil, Schopenhauer affirms, a tissue of illusions which we can, if we choose, penetrate by other means. The way to penetrate the veil was stumbled upon by Kant. ** A Short History of Modern Philosophy 1995 by Roger Scruton p. 177 * Schopenhauer was not the only one of Hegel’s opponents to rest his faith in the unsayable. [[Soren Kierkegaard]] (1813-1855), in his attack on the prevailing Hegelian rationalism, sought to undermine the claim that ‘the real is the rational and the rational the real’, and so to reaffirm the value of that which, while real, lies beyond the reach of reason. But, lacking Schopenhauer’s gift of argument, and being indeed more literary than philosophical in his inclination, he did not set up any elaborate system of ideas whereby to postpone the recognition of his ultimate refuge. His principal interest was the vindication of the Christian faith, and he wrote directly or indirectly towards this end, inventing in the process the name, if not the philosophy of ‘existentialism’, for which achievement he is now chiefly known. His philosophy is a clear example of a reaction against idealism which is not also a form either of empiricism or skepticism. In the course of this reaction, it is once again the subject that is reaffirmed, as the ground of all philosophical thought. ** A Short History of Modern Philosophy 1995 by Roger Scruton p. 181-182 === ''Modern Culture'' (2000)=== :[ [http://www.continuumbooks.com Continuum] {{ISBN|0826494447}}] [[File:LuMaxArt Human Family with World Religions.png|thumb|The core of common [[culture]] is [[religion]]. Tribes survive and flourish because they have [[gods]], who fuse many wills into a single will, and demand and reward the sacrifices on which social life depends.]] * The core of common [[culture]] is [[religion]]. Tribes survive and flourish because they have [[gods]], who fuse many wills into a single will, and demand and reward the sacrifices on which social life depends. ** "Culture and Cult" (p. 5) * The first effect of modernism was to make high culture difficult: to surround beauty with a wall of erudition. ** "Avant-garde and Kitsch" (p. 85) * Without the background of a remembered [[faith]] modernism loses its conviction: it becomes routinised. For a long time now it has been assumed that there can be no authentic creation in the sphere of high art which is not is some way a 'challenge' to the ordinary public. [[Art]] must give offence, stepping out of the future fully armed against the bourgeois taste for kitsch and cliché. But the result of this is that offence becomes a cliché. ** "Avant-garde and Kitsch" (p. 86) * Faith exalts the human heart, by removing it from the market-place, making it sacred and unexchangeable. Under the jurisdiction of religion our deeper feelings are sacralized, so as to become raw material for the ethical life: the life lived in judgement. ** "Avant-garde and Kitsch" (p. 91) * The ethical life... is maintained in being by a common culture, which also upholds the togetherness of society... Unlike the modern youth culture, a common culture sanctifies the adult state, to which it offers rites of passage. ** "Idle Hands" (p. 127) === ''A Political Philosophy'' (2006)=== :[ [http://www.continuumbooks.com Continuum] {{ISBN|0826493912}}] * Conservatism is itself a modernism, and in this lies the secret of its success. ** "Eliot and Conservatism" (p. 194) * The conservative response to modernity is to embrace it, but to embrace it ''critically'', in full consciousness that human achievements are rare and precarious, that we have no God-given right to destroy our inheritance, but must always patiently submit to the voice of order, and set an example of orderly living. ** "Eliot and Conservatism" (p. 208) * The future of mankind, for the socialist, is simple: pull down the existing order and allow the future to emerge. ** "Eliot and Conservatism" (p. 208) === ''England and the Need for Nations'' (2006)=== * Democracies owe their existence to national loyalties — the loyalties that are supposedly shared by government and opposition, by all political parties, and by the electorate as a whole. Wherever the experience of nationality is weak or non-existent, democracy has failed to take root. For without national loyalty, opposition is a threat to government, and political disagreements create no common ground. * National loyalty is founded in the love of place, of the customs and traditions that have been inscribed in the landscape and of the desire to protect these good things through a common law and a common loyalty. * Europe owes its greatness to the fact that the primary loyalties of the European people have been detached from religion and re-attached to the land. Those who believe that the division of Europe into nations has been the primary cause of European wars should remember the devastating wars of religion that national loyalties finally brought to an end. And they should study our art and literature for its inner meaning. In almost every case, they will discover, it is an art and literature not of war but of peace, an invocation of home and the routines of home, of gentleness, everydayness and enduring settlement. * National loyalty involves a love of home and a preparedness to defend it; [[nationalism]] is a belligerent ideology, which uses national symbols in order to conscript the people to war. * Never in the history of the world have there been so many migrants. And almost all of them are migrating from regions where nationality is weak or non-existent to the established nation states of the West. They are not migrating because they have discovered some previously dormant feeling of love or loyalty towards the nations in whose territory they seek a home. On the contrary, few of them identify their loyalties in national terms and almost none of them in terms of the nation where they settle. They are migrating in search of citizenship which is the principal gift of national jurisdictions, and the origin of the peace, law, stability and prosperity that still prevail in the West. * Nationality is not the only kind of social membership, nor is it an exclusive tie. However, it is the only form of membership that has so far shown itself able to sustain a democratic process and a liberal rule of law. * The idea that the citizen owes loyalty to a country, a territory, a jurisdiction and all those who reside within it — the root assumption of democratic politics, and one that depends upon the nation as its moral foundation - that idea has no place in the minds and hearts of many who now call themselves citizens of European states. === ''Culture Counts'' (2007)=== :[ [http://www.encounterbooks.com Encounter Books] {{ISBN|1594031940}}] * A civilization is a social entity that manifests religious, political , legal, and customary uniformity over an extended period, and which confers on its members the benefits of socially accumulated knowledge. ** "What is Culture?" (p. 2) * The culture of a civilization is the art and literature through which it rises to consciousness of itself and defines its vision of the world. ** "What is Culture?" (p. 2) * This "knowing what to do"… is a matter of having the right purpose, the purpose appropriate to the situation in hand... The one who "knows what to do" is the one on whom you can rely to make the best shot at success, whenever success is possible. ** "Knowledge and Feeling" (p. 35) * [T]o teach virtue we must educate the emotions, and this means learning "what to feel" in the various circumstances that prompt them. ** "Knowledge and Feeling" (p. 37) * In all the areas of life where people have sought and found consolation through forbidding their desires—sex in particular, and taste in general—the habit of judgment is now to be stamped out. ** "Rays of Hope" (p. 106) ===''[[w:How to Be a Conservative|How to Be a Conservative]]'' (2014)=== *In discussing tradition, we are not discussing arbitrary rules and conventions. We are discussing answers that have been discovered to enduring questions. (p. 21) * Take any aspect of the Western inheritance of which our ancestors were proud, and you will find university courses devoted to deconstructing it. Take any positive feature of our political and cultural inheritance, and you will find concerted efforts in both the media and the academy to place it in quotation marks, and make it look like an imposture or a deceit. (p. 40) * Conservatism starts from a sentiment that all mature people can readily share: the sentiment that good things are easily destroyed, but not easily created. This is especially true of the good things that come to us as collective assets: peace, freedom, law, civility, public spirit, the security of property and family life, in all of which we depend on the cooperation of others while having no means singlehandedly to obtain it. In respect of such things, the work of destruction is quick, easy, and exhilarating; the work of creation slow, laborious, and dull. That is one of the lessons of the twentieth century. It is also one reason why conservatives suffer such a disadvantage when it comes to public opinion. Their position is true but boring, that of their opponents exciting but false. * We do not merely study the past: we inherit it, and inheritance brings with it not only the rights of ownership, but the duties of trusteeship. Things fought for and died for should not be idly squandered. For they are the property of others, who are not yet born. === ''Fools, Frauds and Firebrands: Thinkers of the New Left'' (2015)=== :<small>Roger Scruton, ''Fools, Frauds and Firebrands, Thinkers of the New Left'' (Bloomsbury, 2015)</small> [[File:Escasez en Venezuela, Central Madeirense 8.JPG|thumb|Why is it after a century of [[Socialism|socialist]] disasters, and an intellectual legacy that has been time and again exploded, the left-wing position remains, as it were, the default position to which thinking people gravitate when called upon for a comprehensive philosophy? Why are "right-wingers" marginalised in the educational system, denounced in the media and regarded by our political class as untouchable, fit only to clean up after the orgies of luxurious nonsense indulged in by their moral superiors?]] * Why is it after a century of [[Socialism|socialist]] disasters, and an intellectual legacy that has been time and again exploded, the left-wing position remains, as it were, the default position to which thinking people gravitate when called upon for a comprehensive philosophy? Why are "right-wingers" marginalised in the educational system, denounced in the media and regarded by our political class as untouchable, fit only to clean up after the orgies of luxurious nonsense indulged in by their moral superiors? *The inescapable conclusion is that subjectivity, relativity and irrationalism are advocated [by Richard Rorty] not in order to let in all opinions, but precisely so as to exclude the opinions of people who believe in old authorities and objective truths. This is the short cut to [Antonio] Gramsci's new cultural hegemony: not to vindicate the new culture against the old, but to show that there are no grounds for either, so that nothing remains save political commitment.<p>Thus, almost all those who espouse the relativistic 'methods' introduced into the humanities by Foucault, Derrida and Rorty are vehement adherents to a code of political correctness that condemns deviation in absolute and intransigent terms. The relativistic theory exists in order to support an absolutist doctrine. We should not be surprised therefore at the extreme disarray that entered the camp of deconstruction, when it was discovered that one of the leading ecclesiastics, Paul de Man, once had Nazi sympathies. It is manifestly absurd to suggest that a similar disarray would have attended the discovery that Paul de Man had once been a communist -- even if he taken part in some of the great communist crimes. In such a case he would haved enjoyed the same compassionate endorsement as was afforded to [György] Lukács, [Maurice] Merleau-Ponty and Sartre. **pp. 236&ndash;237 ==Quotes about Roger Scruton== *Professor Scruton's Right consists of the authors of the ''[[w:The Salisbury Review|Salisbury Review]]'' under his editorship and is the nearest intellectually reputable thing that England has had to the authoritarian Conservatism which [[Joseph de Maistre|de Maistre]], in a Christian, and [[w:Charles Maurras|Maurras]] in a post-Christian, mode had propagated in France... Professor Scruton is a serious thinker who has produced a versatile and impressive oeuvre which, in addition to dealing with law and politics, deals with aesthetics, literature, philosophy and sexuality (in a sometimes off-beam way), gives unambiguous allegiance to art and culture as modern substitutes for religion, and leaves the impression of believing in "Conservatism" either as an aborted mixture of Christianity and secular truth, or as simply secular truth in itself. For a number of years when young he was a pupil and collaborator of Dr [[w:John Casey (academic)|John Casey]] from whom he acquired intellectual range and seriousness, a faint excess of high-principled intensity, and a coat-trailing, or Irish, contentiousness about race and colour which he had since abandoned. Also, when young, he was a Fellow of [[w:Peterhouse, Cambridge|Peterhouse]], from which he acquired some of the attitudes of "the [[w:Peterhouse school of history|Peterhouse Right]]". **[[Maurice Cowling]], 'Preface to the Second Edition', ''Mill and Liberalism'' (1963; 2nd ed., 1990), pp. xxviii-xxx == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{commons category}} * [http://www.roger-scruton.com/ The Home Page of Roger Scruton] * [http://www.salisbury-review.co.uk/ Salisbury Review Quarterly] {{Conservatism navbox}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Scruton, Roger}} [[Category:1944 births]] [[Category:2020 deaths]] [[Category:Academics from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Philosophers from England]] [[Category:English composers]] [[Category:Novelists from England]] [[Category:English lawyers]] [[Category:English journalists]] [[Category:Editors from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Publishers]] [[Category:Conservatives from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Anglicans from the United Kingdom]] ksrj9fnporb9ktz4dug97jdfl69sw2x 3153058 3153047 2022-08-10T00:17:26Z Coningsby 10755 /* Quotes */ + wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Images-stories-Photos-roger scruton 16 70dpi photographer by pete helme-267x397.jpg|thumb|When truth cannot make itself known in words, it will make itself known in deeds.]] '''[[w:Roger Scruton|Roger Scruton]]''' (27 February 1944 – 12 January 2020) was a British [[philosopher]], who worked as an academic, editor, publisher, barrister, journalist, broadcaster, countryside campaigner, novelist, and composer. == Quotes == <!-- each quote in this section should be ordered chronologically. --> [[File:Roger_Scruton_(2015),_Prague.jpg|thumb|In argument about moral problems, relativism is the first refuge of the scoundrel.]] [[File:Naturalization ceremony at Kennedy Space Center.jpg|thumb|All of us need an identity which unites us with our neighbours, our countrymen, those people who are subject to the same rules and the same laws as us, those people with whom we might one day have to fight side by side to protect our inheritance, those people with whom we will suffer when attacked, those people whose destinies are in some way tied up with our own.]] ===1980s=== *Attitudes to death go hand in hand with attitudes to sex. And it is in the sphere of sex that some of the greatest of medical confusions have arisen. I refer in particular to the "[[w:Sex change|sex change]]" – again, an operation which has exhilarated the public, with its implication that sexuality is an elaborate accident, which can be tailored to the individual need. A person's sexuality is no longer regarded as part of his essence. It has become an attribute, which he might change as he changes his clothes. The possibility of thinking in such a way shows a deep change in perception. The obligation to accept one's sex had dwindled, in the same way as the obligation to accept one's death. Consequently people call upon doctors to help them, demanding painful, expensive and dangerous operations, whose moral effects cannot really be envisaged in advance, and whose premise is a kind of delusion which, however it might arouse our compassion, ought not to inspire our connivance. No doubt the time is not far distant when sex-change operations will be obtainable on the [[w:National Health Service|National Health]], granted on the advice of "experts" able to discern the "real" gender identify of the soul sheathed within each human envelope. **'Dead? I demand a second opinion', ''The Times'' (29 March 1983), p. 12 *It goes without saying that [[apartheid]] is offensive. It was adopted, however, as the lesser of two evils. The [[w:Afrikaners|Afrikaners]] believe that black majority rule has, in almost every case, led to the collapse of the constitutional government which they brought to [[South Africa]], and upon which their freedoms and privileges – and perhaps even their lives – depend. And it did not seem so very bad to deny to blacks a vote which they would, when in power, promptly deny to themselves. **'A lift at last for the other Afrikaners', ''The Times'' (17 May 1983), p. 12 *A developed legal system, with elaborate common law rights, and supported by a system of natural justice, was the most precious legacy of our [[British Empire|empire]]. If it were still permissible to defend [[colonization]], I should justify it in terms of this bequest, and at the same time contrast the colonization of Africa with the [[Soviet Union|Soviet]] "colonization" of eastern Europe, which has advanced not by the generation but by the destruction of law. **'A colonial inheritance once again cast off', ''The Times'' (6 September 1983), p. 10 *Race is at best an influence on behaviour, not the moral source of it. It is the individual alone who acts, and he alone who should bear the benefits and the burdens of moral judgment. In all questions of right and duty, it is both wicked and nonsensical to refer to a person's race – whether the purpose be to accuse him, or to exonerate him. To do so is to place the crucial attribute of responsibility where it does not belong – with the abstract totality, rather than with the concrete individual. The racist ignores every genuine right and obligation in pursuit of a merely abstract reckoning: he seeks to reward or punish the individual in respect of qualities which are not of his own choosing and for which he can in truth be neither praised nor blamed. It is surely obvious that [[racism]] is an evil. Even if it were not obvious from its intrinsic nature, it is obvious from its effects. Millions have died precisely because, in the eyes of the racist, they were already dead, being of "inferior" race, without rights, condemned by their very existence. **'A socialist evil to rival racism', ''The Times'' (28 February 1984), p. 14 ===1990s=== * An international socialism is the stated ideal of most socialists; an international liberalism is the unstated tendency of the liberal. To neither system is it thinkable that men live, not by universal aspirations but by local attachments; not by a “solidarity” that stretches across the globe from end to end, but by obligations that are understood in terms which separate men from most of their fellows—in terms such as national history, religion, language, and the customs that provide the basis of legitimacy. ** "How to be a Non-Liberal, Anti-Socialist Conservative," ''Intercollegiate Review: A Journal of Scholarship and Opinion'' (Spring 1993) * Yes, I am in favor of censorship, but it has to be conducted by people like me. And that's the difficulty (laughs). I'm in favor of encouraging every possible form of self-restraint and parental control. And I certainly don't think that pornography should be protected under the American Constitution. ** [https://www.wsj.com/articles/SB893195477509254000 Interview with Salon.com, 1998] * The modern world gives proof at every point that it is far easier to destroy institutions than to create them. Nevertheless, few people seem to understand this truth. ** [https://www.newcriterion.com/articles.cfm/rousseau-the-origins-of-liberalism-2988 "Rousseau & the origins of liberalism,"] ''The New Criterion'' (October 1998) ====''Modern Philosophy'' (1995)==== :[Allen Lane The Penguin Press {{ISBN|0713991402}}] * A writer who says that there are no truths, or that all [[truth]] is 'merely relative,' is asking you not to believe him. So don't. ** "The Nature of Philosophy" (p. 6) * [[Kant]]'s position is extremely subtle — so subtle, indeed, that no commentator seems to agree with any other as to what it is. ** "Some More -isms" (p. 25) * In argument about moral problems, [[relativism]] is the first refuge of the scoundrel. ** "Some More -isms", p. 32 * [[Schopenhauer]] argues that the empirical world exists only as a representation: ‘every object, whatever its origin, is, as object, already conditioned by the subject, and thus is essentially only the subject’s representation.’ A representation is a subjective state that has been ordered according to space, time and causality – the primary forms of sensibility and understanding. So long as we turn our thoughts towards the natural world, and search for the thing-in-itself behind the representation is futile. Every argument and every experience leads only to the same end: the system of representations, standing like a veil between the subject and the thing-in-itself. No scientific investigation can penetrate the veil; and yet it is only a veil, Schopenhauer affirms, a tissue of illusions which we can, if we choose, penetrate by other means. The way to penetrate the veil was stumbled upon by Kant. ** A Short History of Modern Philosophy 1995 by Roger Scruton p. 177 * Schopenhauer was not the only one of Hegel’s opponents to rest his faith in the unsayable. [[Soren Kierkegaard]] (1813-1855), in his attack on the prevailing Hegelian rationalism, sought to undermine the claim that ‘the real is the rational and the rational the real’, and so to reaffirm the value of that which, while real, lies beyond the reach of reason. But, lacking Schopenhauer’s gift of argument, and being indeed more literary than philosophical in his inclination, he did not set up any elaborate system of ideas whereby to postpone the recognition of his ultimate refuge. His principal interest was the vindication of the Christian faith, and he wrote directly or indirectly towards this end, inventing in the process the name, if not the philosophy of ‘existentialism’, for which achievement he is now chiefly known. His philosophy is a clear example of a reaction against idealism which is not also a form either of empiricism or skepticism. In the course of this reaction, it is once again the subject that is reaffirmed, as the ground of all philosophical thought. ** A Short History of Modern Philosophy 1995 by Roger Scruton p. 181-182 ===2000s=== * Many Britons...feel strongly about something which was once called "the alien wedge". And surely it cannot be doubted, even by those who profess allegiance to the "[[Multiculturalism|multicultural]] society", that our society, unlike [[United States|America]], is not of that kind, and therefore that immigration cannot be an object of merely passive contemplation on the part of the present citizenship. There is perhaps no greater sign of the strength of [[liberalism]] (a strength which issues, not from popular consensus, but from the political power of the [[w:Liberal elite|liberal elite]]) than that it has made it impossible for any but the circumlocutory to argue that the English, the Scots and the Welsh have a prior claim to the benefits of the civilization that their ancestors created, which entitles them to reserve its benefits for themselves. ** ''The Meaning of Conservatism: Third Edition'' (2001), p. 62 *[W]hile it is a long-standing principle of British law that the fomentation of hatred (and hence of racial hatred) is a serious criminal offence, it is not clear that illiberal sentiments have to be forms of hatred, nor that they should be treated in the high-handed way that is calculated to make them become so. On the contrary, they are sentiments which seem to arise inevitably from social consciousness: they involve natural prejudice, common culture, and a desire for the company of one's kind. That is hardly sufficient ground to condemn them as "racist" – an accusation which has no definition in law, and against which there is now no defence. To be accused of [[racism]] is to be guilty of it: this is the great achievement of liberal thinking about nationality. One of the most important conservative causes in our time must surely be the attempt to undo the apparatus of censorship and intimidation, which has effectively silenced the appeal to national identity. ** ''The Meaning of Conservatism: Third Edition'' (2001), p. 62 * From its beginnings the [[Conservative Party (UK)|Conservative Party]] has been characterized by a relatively firm and enterprising fiscal policy, being responsible, not only for constant restrictions on [[free trade]], but also for the introduction of regular income tax, and for legislation which governed the sale and conditions of labour. In the light of history, its post-war conversion to [[w:Keynesian economics|Keynesian economic theory]] might be seen as a natural intellectual development, a further move away from the view...that economic affairs are self-regulating...towards the more plausible view that the posture of the state is all-important, and that, without the state's surveillance, destitution and unemployment could result at any time. And it is perhaps no accident that, when the Conservative Party under [[Margaret Thatcher]] abandoned this conception of the state's economic role, and took up the banner of [[w:Economic liberalism|liberal economics]], it was, in time, deserted by the electorate, so that the old alliance of interests which it had for a century represented suddenly fell apart. The odd thing, however, is that the policy which caused the Conservative Party's collapse – [[w:Free market|free market]] economics, under the aegis of global corporations – is the policy most fervently adopted by the [[w:New Labour|New Labour Party]] of [[Tony Blair]], and will no doubt be the downfall of that Party too. ** ''The Meaning of Conservatism: Third Edition'' (2001), p. 106 * There is no doubt in my mind that, from the third-person point of view, [[monarchy]] is the most reasonable form of government. By embodying the state in a fragile human person, it captures the arbitrariness and the givenness of political allegiance, and so transforms allegiance into affection. ** ''The Meaning of Conservatism: Third Edition'' (2001), p. 193 * In 1970s Britain, conservative [[philosophy]] was the preoccupation of a few half-mad recluses. ** [http://newcriterion.com:81/archive/21/feb03/burke.htm "Why I became a conservative,"] ''The New Criterion'' (February 2003) * [Burke] emphasized that the new forms of politics, which hope to organize society around the rational pursuit of liberty, equality, fraternity, or their modernist equivalents, are actually forms of militant irrationality. ** [http://newcriterion.com:81/archive/21/feb03/burke.htm "Why I became a conservative,"] ''The New Criterion'' (February 2003) * The strange superstition has arisen in the Western world that we can start all over again, remaking human nature, human society, and the possibilities of happiness; as though the knowledge and experience of our ancestors were now entirely irrelevant. ** ''Gentle Regrets: Thoughts from a Life'' (2005) * When truth cannot make itself known in words, it will make itself known in deeds. **"Should he have spoken?", ''The New Criterion'' (September 2006), p.&nbsp;22; also in ''The Roger Scruton Reader'' (2009) edited by Mark Dooley * Hayek’s theory of evolutionary rationality shows how traditions and customs (those surrounding sexual relations, for example) might be reasonable solutions to complex social problems, even when, and especially when, no clear rational grounds can be provided to the individual for obeying them. These customs have been selected by the ‘‘[[invisible hand]]’’ of social reproduction, and societies that reject them will soon enter the condition of ‘‘maladaptation,’’ which is the normal prelude to extinction. ** "Hayek and conservatism", in Edward Feser (ed.), ''The Cambridge Companion to Hayek'' (2006) * Hayek fails to account either for the passion among intellectuals for equality, or for the resulting success of socialists and their egalitarian successors in driving the liberal idea from the stage of politics. This passion for equality is not a new thing, and indeed pre-dates socialism by many centuries, finding its most influential expression in the writings of Rousseau. There is no consensus as to how equality might be achieved, what it would consist in if achieved, or why it is so desirable in the first place. But no argument against the cogency or viability of the idea has the faintest chance of being listened to or discussed by those who have fallen under its spell. ** "Hayek and conservatism", in Edward Feser (ed.), ''The Cambridge Companion to Hayek'' (2006) * Hayek sees that the zero-sum vision is fired by an implacable negative energy. It is not the concrete vision of some real alternative that animates the socialist critic of the capitalist order. It is hostility toward the actual, and in particular toward those who enjoy advantages within it. Hence the belief in equality remains vague and undefined, except negatively. For it is essentially a weapon against the existing order – a way of undermining its claims to legitimacy, by discovering a victim for every form of success. The striving for equality is, in other words, based in ressentiment in Nietzsche’s sense, the state of mind that Max Scheler identified as the principal motive behind the socialist orthodoxy of his day. It is one of the major problems of modern politics, which no classical liberal could possibly solve, how to govern a society in which resentment has acquired the kind of privileged social, intellectual, and political position that we witness today. ** "Hayek and conservatism", in Edward Feser (ed.), ''The Cambridge Companion to Hayek'' (2006) *All of us need an identity which unites us with our neighbours, our countrymen, those people who are subject to the same rules and the same laws as us, those people with whom we might one day have to fight side by side to protect our inheritance, those people with whom we will suffer when attacked, those people whose destinies are in some way tied up with our own. **[http://docuwiki.net/index.php?title=Rivers_of_Blood Rivers of Blood] BBC2 documentary (8 March 2008) * Conservatives have, on the whole, accepted nationality as a sphere of local duties and loyalties, defining an inheritance and a community that has a right to pass on its values from generation to generation. The nation may indeed be the best that we now have, by way of a society linking the dead to the unborn, in the manner extolled by Burke. And for this very reason it arouses the hostility of liberals, who are constantly searching for a place outside loyalty and obedience, from which all human claims can be judged. Hence, in the conflicts of our times, while conservatives leap to the defense of the nation and its interests, wishing to maintain its integrity and to enforce its law, liberals advocate transnational initiatives, international courts, and doctrines of universal rights, all of which, they believe, should stand in judgment over the nation and hold it to account. ** [http://spectator.org/42528_back-basics/ "The Limits of Liberty,"] ''The American Spectator'' (December 2008) * Liberty is not the same thing as equality, and that those who call themselves liberals are far more interested in equalizing than in liberating their fellows. ** [http://spectator.org/42528_back-basics/ "The Limits of Liberty,"] ''The American Spectator'' (December 2008) * A free society is a community of free beings, bound by the laws of sympathy and by the obligations of family love. It is not a society of people released from all moral constraint–for that is precisely the opposite of a society. Without moral constraint there can be no cooperation, no family commitment, no long-term prospects, no hope of economic, let alone social, order. ** [http://spectator.org/42528_back-basics/ "The Limits of Liberty,"] ''The American Spectator'' (December 2008) ====''Modern Culture'' (2000)==== :[ [http://www.continuumbooks.com Continuum] {{ISBN|0826494447}}] [[File:LuMaxArt Human Family with World Religions.png|thumb|The core of common [[culture]] is [[religion]]. Tribes survive and flourish because they have [[gods]], who fuse many wills into a single will, and demand and reward the sacrifices on which social life depends.]] * The core of common [[culture]] is [[religion]]. Tribes survive and flourish because they have [[gods]], who fuse many wills into a single will, and demand and reward the sacrifices on which social life depends. ** "Culture and Cult" (p. 5) * The first effect of modernism was to make high culture difficult: to surround beauty with a wall of erudition. ** "Avant-garde and Kitsch" (p. 85) * Without the background of a remembered [[faith]] modernism loses its conviction: it becomes routinised. For a long time now it has been assumed that there can be no authentic creation in the sphere of high art which is not is some way a 'challenge' to the ordinary public. [[Art]] must give offence, stepping out of the future fully armed against the bourgeois taste for kitsch and cliché. But the result of this is that offence becomes a cliché. ** "Avant-garde and Kitsch" (p. 86) * Faith exalts the human heart, by removing it from the market-place, making it sacred and unexchangeable. Under the jurisdiction of religion our deeper feelings are sacralized, so as to become raw material for the ethical life: the life lived in judgement. ** "Avant-garde and Kitsch" (p. 91) * The ethical life... is maintained in being by a common culture, which also upholds the togetherness of society... Unlike the modern youth culture, a common culture sanctifies the adult state, to which it offers rites of passage. ** "Idle Hands" (p. 127) ====''A Political Philosophy'' (2006)==== :[ [http://www.continuumbooks.com Continuum] {{ISBN|0826493912}}] * Conservatism is itself a modernism, and in this lies the secret of its success. ** "Eliot and Conservatism" (p. 194) * The conservative response to modernity is to embrace it, but to embrace it ''critically'', in full consciousness that human achievements are rare and precarious, that we have no God-given right to destroy our inheritance, but must always patiently submit to the voice of order, and set an example of orderly living. ** "Eliot and Conservatism" (p. 208) * The future of mankind, for the socialist, is simple: pull down the existing order and allow the future to emerge. ** "Eliot and Conservatism" (p. 208) ====''England and the Need for Nations'' (2006)==== * Democracies owe their existence to national loyalties — the loyalties that are supposedly shared by government and opposition, by all political parties, and by the electorate as a whole. Wherever the experience of nationality is weak or non-existent, democracy has failed to take root. For without national loyalty, opposition is a threat to government, and political disagreements create no common ground. * National loyalty is founded in the love of place, of the customs and traditions that have been inscribed in the landscape and of the desire to protect these good things through a common law and a common loyalty. * Europe owes its greatness to the fact that the primary loyalties of the European people have been detached from religion and re-attached to the land. Those who believe that the division of Europe into nations has been the primary cause of European wars should remember the devastating wars of religion that national loyalties finally brought to an end. And they should study our art and literature for its inner meaning. In almost every case, they will discover, it is an art and literature not of war but of peace, an invocation of home and the routines of home, of gentleness, everydayness and enduring settlement. * National loyalty involves a love of home and a preparedness to defend it; [[nationalism]] is a belligerent ideology, which uses national symbols in order to conscript the people to war. * Never in the history of the world have there been so many migrants. And almost all of them are migrating from regions where nationality is weak or non-existent to the established nation states of the West. They are not migrating because they have discovered some previously dormant feeling of love or loyalty towards the nations in whose territory they seek a home. On the contrary, few of them identify their loyalties in national terms and almost none of them in terms of the nation where they settle. They are migrating in search of citizenship which is the principal gift of national jurisdictions, and the origin of the peace, law, stability and prosperity that still prevail in the West. * Nationality is not the only kind of social membership, nor is it an exclusive tie. However, it is the only form of membership that has so far shown itself able to sustain a democratic process and a liberal rule of law. * The idea that the citizen owes loyalty to a country, a territory, a jurisdiction and all those who reside within it — the root assumption of democratic politics, and one that depends upon the nation as its moral foundation - that idea has no place in the minds and hearts of many who now call themselves citizens of European states. ====''Culture Counts'' (2007)==== :[ [http://www.encounterbooks.com Encounter Books] {{ISBN|1594031940}}] * A civilization is a social entity that manifests religious, political , legal, and customary uniformity over an extended period, and which confers on its members the benefits of socially accumulated knowledge. ** "What is Culture?" (p. 2) * The culture of a civilization is the art and literature through which it rises to consciousness of itself and defines its vision of the world. ** "What is Culture?" (p. 2) * This "knowing what to do"… is a matter of having the right purpose, the purpose appropriate to the situation in hand... The one who "knows what to do" is the one on whom you can rely to make the best shot at success, whenever success is possible. ** "Knowledge and Feeling" (p. 35) * [T]o teach virtue we must educate the emotions, and this means learning "what to feel" in the various circumstances that prompt them. ** "Knowledge and Feeling" (p. 37) * In all the areas of life where people have sought and found consolation through forbidding their desires—sex in particular, and taste in general—the habit of judgment is now to be stamped out. ** "Rays of Hope" (p. 106) ===2010s=== * Throughout my adult life governments around the Western world have been propagating the gospel of multiculturalism, which tells us that immigrants, from whatever part of the world and whatever way of life, are a welcome part of our “multicultural” society. Differences of language, religion, custom, and attachment don’t matter, they have reassured us, since all can form part of the colorful tapestry of the modern state. Anybody who publicly disagreed with that claim invited the attentions of the thought police, always ready with the charge of racism, and never so scrupulous as to think it a sin to destroy the career of someone, provided he was white, indigenous, and male. To be quite honest, living through this period of organized mendacity has been one of the least agreeable ordeals that we conservatives have had to undergo. Keeping your head down is bad enough; but filling your head with official lies means sacrificing thought as well as freedom. ** [http://spectator.org/38473_multiculturalism-rip/ "Multiculturalism, R.I.P."] ''The American Spectator'' (December 2010) * Conservatives believe that our identities and values are formed through our relations with other people, and not through our relation with the state. The state is not an end but a means. Civil society is the end, and the state is the means to protect it. The social world emerges through free association, rooted in friendship and community life. And the customs and institutions that we cherish have grown from below, by the ‘invisible hand’ of co-operation. They have rarely been imposed from above by the work of politics, the role of which, for a conservative, is to reconcile our many aims, and not to dictate or control them. ** [http://www.spectator.co.uk/2014/01/the-right-way/ "Stand up for the real meaning of freedom,"] ''The Spectator'' (January 2014) * Conservatism is a philosophy of inheritance and stewardship; it does not squander resources but strives to enhance them and pass them on. ** [http://www.spectator.co.uk/2014/01/the-right-way/ "Stand up for the real meaning of freedom,"] ''The Spectator'' (January 2014) * The real reason people are conservatives is that they are attached to the things that they love, and want to preserve them from abuse and decay. They are attached to their family, their friends, their religion, and their immediate environment. They have made a lifelong distinction between the things that nourish and the things that threaten their security and peace of mind. ** [https://www.nationalreview.com/nrd/articles/427945/conservatism-and-conservatory "Conservatism and the Conservatory,"], ''National Review'' (December 2015) * We are not born free, nor do we come into this world with a self-identity and autonomy of our own. We achieve those things, through the conflict and cooperation that weave us into the social fabric. ** ''Where We Are: The State of Britain Now'' (2017) ====''[[w:How to Be a Conservative|How to Be a Conservative]]'' (2014)==== *In discussing tradition, we are not discussing arbitrary rules and conventions. We are discussing answers that have been discovered to enduring questions. (p. 21) * Take any aspect of the Western inheritance of which our ancestors were proud, and you will find university courses devoted to deconstructing it. Take any positive feature of our political and cultural inheritance, and you will find concerted efforts in both the media and the academy to place it in quotation marks, and make it look like an imposture or a deceit. (p. 40) * Conservatism starts from a sentiment that all mature people can readily share: the sentiment that good things are easily destroyed, but not easily created. This is especially true of the good things that come to us as collective assets: peace, freedom, law, civility, public spirit, the security of property and family life, in all of which we depend on the cooperation of others while having no means singlehandedly to obtain it. In respect of such things, the work of destruction is quick, easy, and exhilarating; the work of creation slow, laborious, and dull. That is one of the lessons of the twentieth century. It is also one reason why conservatives suffer such a disadvantage when it comes to public opinion. Their position is true but boring, that of their opponents exciting but false. * We do not merely study the past: we inherit it, and inheritance brings with it not only the rights of ownership, but the duties of trusteeship. Things fought for and died for should not be idly squandered. For they are the property of others, who are not yet born. ====''Fools, Frauds and Firebrands: Thinkers of the New Left'' (2015)==== :<small>Roger Scruton, ''Fools, Frauds and Firebrands, Thinkers of the New Left'' (Bloomsbury, 2015)</small> [[File:Escasez en Venezuela, Central Madeirense 8.JPG|thumb|Why is it after a century of [[Socialism|socialist]] disasters, and an intellectual legacy that has been time and again exploded, the left-wing position remains, as it were, the default position to which thinking people gravitate when called upon for a comprehensive philosophy? Why are "right-wingers" marginalised in the educational system, denounced in the media and regarded by our political class as untouchable, fit only to clean up after the orgies of luxurious nonsense indulged in by their moral superiors?]] * Why is it after a century of [[Socialism|socialist]] disasters, and an intellectual legacy that has been time and again exploded, the left-wing position remains, as it were, the default position to which thinking people gravitate when called upon for a comprehensive philosophy? Why are "right-wingers" marginalised in the educational system, denounced in the media and regarded by our political class as untouchable, fit only to clean up after the orgies of luxurious nonsense indulged in by their moral superiors? *The inescapable conclusion is that subjectivity, relativity and irrationalism are advocated [by Richard Rorty] not in order to let in all opinions, but precisely so as to exclude the opinions of people who believe in old authorities and objective truths. This is the short cut to [Antonio] Gramsci's new cultural hegemony: not to vindicate the new culture against the old, but to show that there are no grounds for either, so that nothing remains save political commitment.<p>Thus, almost all those who espouse the relativistic 'methods' introduced into the humanities by Foucault, Derrida and Rorty are vehement adherents to a code of political correctness that condemns deviation in absolute and intransigent terms. The relativistic theory exists in order to support an absolutist doctrine. We should not be surprised therefore at the extreme disarray that entered the camp of deconstruction, when it was discovered that one of the leading ecclesiastics, Paul de Man, once had Nazi sympathies. It is manifestly absurd to suggest that a similar disarray would have attended the discovery that Paul de Man had once been a communist -- even if he taken part in some of the great communist crimes. In such a case he would haved enjoyed the same compassionate endorsement as was afforded to [György] Lukács, [Maurice] Merleau-Ponty and Sartre. **pp. 236&ndash;237 ==Quotes about Roger Scruton== *Professor Scruton's Right consists of the authors of the ''[[w:The Salisbury Review|Salisbury Review]]'' under his editorship and is the nearest intellectually reputable thing that England has had to the authoritarian Conservatism which [[Joseph de Maistre|de Maistre]], in a Christian, and [[w:Charles Maurras|Maurras]] in a post-Christian, mode had propagated in France... Professor Scruton is a serious thinker who has produced a versatile and impressive oeuvre which, in addition to dealing with law and politics, deals with aesthetics, literature, philosophy and sexuality (in a sometimes off-beam way), gives unambiguous allegiance to art and culture as modern substitutes for religion, and leaves the impression of believing in "Conservatism" either as an aborted mixture of Christianity and secular truth, or as simply secular truth in itself. For a number of years when young he was a pupil and collaborator of Dr [[w:John Casey (academic)|John Casey]] from whom he acquired intellectual range and seriousness, a faint excess of high-principled intensity, and a coat-trailing, or Irish, contentiousness about race and colour which he had since abandoned. Also, when young, he was a Fellow of [[w:Peterhouse, Cambridge|Peterhouse]], from which he acquired some of the attitudes of "the [[w:Peterhouse school of history|Peterhouse Right]]". **[[Maurice Cowling]], 'Preface to the Second Edition', ''Mill and Liberalism'' (1963; 2nd ed., 1990), pp. xxviii-xxx == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{commons category}} * [http://www.roger-scruton.com/ The Home Page of Roger Scruton] * [http://www.salisbury-review.co.uk/ Salisbury Review Quarterly] {{Conservatism navbox}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Scruton, Roger}} [[Category:1944 births]] [[Category:2020 deaths]] [[Category:Academics from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Philosophers from England]] [[Category:English composers]] [[Category:Novelists from England]] [[Category:English lawyers]] [[Category:English journalists]] [[Category:Editors from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Publishers]] [[Category:Conservatives from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Anglicans from the United Kingdom]] jvquofbb2fqkzzij40hsi58wuipslas 3153066 3153058 2022-08-10T00:38:20Z Coningsby 10755 /* 1980s */ wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Images-stories-Photos-roger scruton 16 70dpi photographer by pete helme-267x397.jpg|thumb|When truth cannot make itself known in words, it will make itself known in deeds.]] '''[[w:Roger Scruton|Roger Scruton]]''' (27 February 1944 – 12 January 2020) was a British [[philosopher]], who worked as an academic, editor, publisher, barrister, journalist, broadcaster, countryside campaigner, novelist, and composer. == Quotes == <!-- each quote in this section should be ordered chronologically. --> [[File:Roger_Scruton_(2015),_Prague.jpg|thumb|In argument about moral problems, relativism is the first refuge of the scoundrel.]] [[File:Naturalization ceremony at Kennedy Space Center.jpg|thumb|All of us need an identity which unites us with our neighbours, our countrymen, those people who are subject to the same rules and the same laws as us, those people with whom we might one day have to fight side by side to protect our inheritance, those people with whom we will suffer when attacked, those people whose destinies are in some way tied up with our own.]] ===1980s=== *Attitudes to death go hand in hand with attitudes to sex. And it is in the sphere of sex that some of the greatest of medical confusions have arisen. I refer in particular to the "[[w:Sex change|sex change]]" – again, an operation which has exhilarated the public, with its implication that sexuality is an elaborate accident, which can be tailored to the individual need. A person's sexuality is no longer regarded as part of his essence. It has become an attribute, which he might change as he changes his clothes. The possibility of thinking in such a way shows a deep change in perception. The obligation to accept one's sex has dwindled, in the same way as the obligation to accept one's death. Consequently people call upon doctors to help them, demanding painful, expensive and dangerous operations, whose moral effects cannot really be envisaged in advance, and whose premise is a kind of delusion which, however it might arouse our compassion, ought not to inspire our connivance. No doubt the time is not far distant when sex-change operations will be obtainable on the [[w:National Health Service|National Health]], granted on the advice of "experts" able to discern the "real" gender identify of the soul sheathed within each human envelope. **'Dead? I demand a second opinion', ''The Times'' (29 March 1983), p. 12 *It goes without saying that [[apartheid]] is offensive. It was adopted, however, as the lesser of two evils. The [[w:Afrikaners|Afrikaners]] believe that black majority rule has, in almost every case, led to the collapse of the constitutional government which they brought to [[South Africa]], and upon which their freedoms and privileges – and perhaps even their lives – depend. And it did not seem so very bad to deny to blacks a vote which they would, when in power, promptly deny to themselves. **'A lift at last for the other Afrikaners', ''The Times'' (17 May 1983), p. 12 *A developed legal system, with elaborate [[w:Common law|common law]] rights, and supported by a system of [[w:Natural justice|natural justice]], was the most precious legacy of our [[British Empire|empire]]. If it were still permissible to defend [[colonization]], I should justify it in terms of this bequest, and at the same time contrast the colonization of Africa with the [[Soviet Union|Soviet]] "colonization" of eastern Europe, which has advanced not by the generation but by the destruction of law. **'A colonial inheritance once again cast off', ''The Times'' (6 September 1983), p. 10 *[[Race]] is at best an influence on behaviour, not the moral source of it. It is the individual alone who acts, and he alone who should bear the benefits and the burdens of moral judgment. In all questions of right and duty, it is both wicked and nonsensical to refer to a person's race – whether the purpose be to accuse him, or to exonerate him. To do so is to place the crucial attribute of responsibility where it does not belong – with the abstract totality, rather than with the concrete individual. The racist ignores every genuine right and obligation in pursuit of a merely abstract reckoning: he seeks to reward or punish the individual in respect of qualities which are not of his own choosing and for which he can in truth be neither praised nor blamed. It is surely obvious that [[racism]] is an evil. Even if it were not obvious from its intrinsic nature, it is obvious from its effects. Millions have died precisely because, in the eyes of the racist, they were already dead, being of "inferior" race, without rights, condemned by their very existence. **'A socialist evil to rival racism', ''The Times'' (28 February 1984), p. 14 ===1990s=== * An international socialism is the stated ideal of most socialists; an international liberalism is the unstated tendency of the liberal. To neither system is it thinkable that men live, not by universal aspirations but by local attachments; not by a “solidarity” that stretches across the globe from end to end, but by obligations that are understood in terms which separate men from most of their fellows—in terms such as national history, religion, language, and the customs that provide the basis of legitimacy. ** "How to be a Non-Liberal, Anti-Socialist Conservative," ''Intercollegiate Review: A Journal of Scholarship and Opinion'' (Spring 1993) * Yes, I am in favor of censorship, but it has to be conducted by people like me. And that's the difficulty (laughs). I'm in favor of encouraging every possible form of self-restraint and parental control. And I certainly don't think that pornography should be protected under the American Constitution. ** [https://www.wsj.com/articles/SB893195477509254000 Interview with Salon.com, 1998] * The modern world gives proof at every point that it is far easier to destroy institutions than to create them. Nevertheless, few people seem to understand this truth. ** [https://www.newcriterion.com/articles.cfm/rousseau-the-origins-of-liberalism-2988 "Rousseau & the origins of liberalism,"] ''The New Criterion'' (October 1998) ====''Modern Philosophy'' (1995)==== :[Allen Lane The Penguin Press {{ISBN|0713991402}}] * A writer who says that there are no truths, or that all [[truth]] is 'merely relative,' is asking you not to believe him. So don't. ** "The Nature of Philosophy" (p. 6) * [[Kant]]'s position is extremely subtle — so subtle, indeed, that no commentator seems to agree with any other as to what it is. ** "Some More -isms" (p. 25) * In argument about moral problems, [[relativism]] is the first refuge of the scoundrel. ** "Some More -isms", p. 32 * [[Schopenhauer]] argues that the empirical world exists only as a representation: ‘every object, whatever its origin, is, as object, already conditioned by the subject, and thus is essentially only the subject’s representation.’ A representation is a subjective state that has been ordered according to space, time and causality – the primary forms of sensibility and understanding. So long as we turn our thoughts towards the natural world, and search for the thing-in-itself behind the representation is futile. Every argument and every experience leads only to the same end: the system of representations, standing like a veil between the subject and the thing-in-itself. No scientific investigation can penetrate the veil; and yet it is only a veil, Schopenhauer affirms, a tissue of illusions which we can, if we choose, penetrate by other means. The way to penetrate the veil was stumbled upon by Kant. ** A Short History of Modern Philosophy 1995 by Roger Scruton p. 177 * Schopenhauer was not the only one of Hegel’s opponents to rest his faith in the unsayable. [[Soren Kierkegaard]] (1813-1855), in his attack on the prevailing Hegelian rationalism, sought to undermine the claim that ‘the real is the rational and the rational the real’, and so to reaffirm the value of that which, while real, lies beyond the reach of reason. But, lacking Schopenhauer’s gift of argument, and being indeed more literary than philosophical in his inclination, he did not set up any elaborate system of ideas whereby to postpone the recognition of his ultimate refuge. His principal interest was the vindication of the Christian faith, and he wrote directly or indirectly towards this end, inventing in the process the name, if not the philosophy of ‘existentialism’, for which achievement he is now chiefly known. His philosophy is a clear example of a reaction against idealism which is not also a form either of empiricism or skepticism. In the course of this reaction, it is once again the subject that is reaffirmed, as the ground of all philosophical thought. ** A Short History of Modern Philosophy 1995 by Roger Scruton p. 181-182 ===2000s=== * Many Britons...feel strongly about something which was once called "the alien wedge". And surely it cannot be doubted, even by those who profess allegiance to the "[[Multiculturalism|multicultural]] society", that our society, unlike [[United States|America]], is not of that kind, and therefore that immigration cannot be an object of merely passive contemplation on the part of the present citizenship. There is perhaps no greater sign of the strength of [[liberalism]] (a strength which issues, not from popular consensus, but from the political power of the [[w:Liberal elite|liberal elite]]) than that it has made it impossible for any but the circumlocutory to argue that the English, the Scots and the Welsh have a prior claim to the benefits of the civilization that their ancestors created, which entitles them to reserve its benefits for themselves. ** ''The Meaning of Conservatism: Third Edition'' (2001), p. 62 *[W]hile it is a long-standing principle of British law that the fomentation of hatred (and hence of racial hatred) is a serious criminal offence, it is not clear that illiberal sentiments have to be forms of hatred, nor that they should be treated in the high-handed way that is calculated to make them become so. On the contrary, they are sentiments which seem to arise inevitably from social consciousness: they involve natural prejudice, common culture, and a desire for the company of one's kind. That is hardly sufficient ground to condemn them as "racist" – an accusation which has no definition in law, and against which there is now no defence. To be accused of [[racism]] is to be guilty of it: this is the great achievement of liberal thinking about nationality. One of the most important conservative causes in our time must surely be the attempt to undo the apparatus of censorship and intimidation, which has effectively silenced the appeal to national identity. ** ''The Meaning of Conservatism: Third Edition'' (2001), p. 62 * From its beginnings the [[Conservative Party (UK)|Conservative Party]] has been characterized by a relatively firm and enterprising fiscal policy, being responsible, not only for constant restrictions on [[free trade]], but also for the introduction of regular income tax, and for legislation which governed the sale and conditions of labour. In the light of history, its post-war conversion to [[w:Keynesian economics|Keynesian economic theory]] might be seen as a natural intellectual development, a further move away from the view...that economic affairs are self-regulating...towards the more plausible view that the posture of the state is all-important, and that, without the state's surveillance, destitution and unemployment could result at any time. And it is perhaps no accident that, when the Conservative Party under [[Margaret Thatcher]] abandoned this conception of the state's economic role, and took up the banner of [[w:Economic liberalism|liberal economics]], it was, in time, deserted by the electorate, so that the old alliance of interests which it had for a century represented suddenly fell apart. The odd thing, however, is that the policy which caused the Conservative Party's collapse – [[w:Free market|free market]] economics, under the aegis of global corporations – is the policy most fervently adopted by the [[w:New Labour|New Labour Party]] of [[Tony Blair]], and will no doubt be the downfall of that Party too. ** ''The Meaning of Conservatism: Third Edition'' (2001), p. 106 * There is no doubt in my mind that, from the third-person point of view, [[monarchy]] is the most reasonable form of government. By embodying the state in a fragile human person, it captures the arbitrariness and the givenness of political allegiance, and so transforms allegiance into affection. ** ''The Meaning of Conservatism: Third Edition'' (2001), p. 193 * In 1970s Britain, conservative [[philosophy]] was the preoccupation of a few half-mad recluses. ** [http://newcriterion.com:81/archive/21/feb03/burke.htm "Why I became a conservative,"] ''The New Criterion'' (February 2003) * [Burke] emphasized that the new forms of politics, which hope to organize society around the rational pursuit of liberty, equality, fraternity, or their modernist equivalents, are actually forms of militant irrationality. ** [http://newcriterion.com:81/archive/21/feb03/burke.htm "Why I became a conservative,"] ''The New Criterion'' (February 2003) * The strange superstition has arisen in the Western world that we can start all over again, remaking human nature, human society, and the possibilities of happiness; as though the knowledge and experience of our ancestors were now entirely irrelevant. ** ''Gentle Regrets: Thoughts from a Life'' (2005) * When truth cannot make itself known in words, it will make itself known in deeds. **"Should he have spoken?", ''The New Criterion'' (September 2006), p.&nbsp;22; also in ''The Roger Scruton Reader'' (2009) edited by Mark Dooley * Hayek’s theory of evolutionary rationality shows how traditions and customs (those surrounding sexual relations, for example) might be reasonable solutions to complex social problems, even when, and especially when, no clear rational grounds can be provided to the individual for obeying them. These customs have been selected by the ‘‘[[invisible hand]]’’ of social reproduction, and societies that reject them will soon enter the condition of ‘‘maladaptation,’’ which is the normal prelude to extinction. ** "Hayek and conservatism", in Edward Feser (ed.), ''The Cambridge Companion to Hayek'' (2006) * Hayek fails to account either for the passion among intellectuals for equality, or for the resulting success of socialists and their egalitarian successors in driving the liberal idea from the stage of politics. This passion for equality is not a new thing, and indeed pre-dates socialism by many centuries, finding its most influential expression in the writings of Rousseau. There is no consensus as to how equality might be achieved, what it would consist in if achieved, or why it is so desirable in the first place. But no argument against the cogency or viability of the idea has the faintest chance of being listened to or discussed by those who have fallen under its spell. ** "Hayek and conservatism", in Edward Feser (ed.), ''The Cambridge Companion to Hayek'' (2006) * Hayek sees that the zero-sum vision is fired by an implacable negative energy. It is not the concrete vision of some real alternative that animates the socialist critic of the capitalist order. It is hostility toward the actual, and in particular toward those who enjoy advantages within it. Hence the belief in equality remains vague and undefined, except negatively. For it is essentially a weapon against the existing order – a way of undermining its claims to legitimacy, by discovering a victim for every form of success. The striving for equality is, in other words, based in ressentiment in Nietzsche’s sense, the state of mind that Max Scheler identified as the principal motive behind the socialist orthodoxy of his day. It is one of the major problems of modern politics, which no classical liberal could possibly solve, how to govern a society in which resentment has acquired the kind of privileged social, intellectual, and political position that we witness today. ** "Hayek and conservatism", in Edward Feser (ed.), ''The Cambridge Companion to Hayek'' (2006) *All of us need an identity which unites us with our neighbours, our countrymen, those people who are subject to the same rules and the same laws as us, those people with whom we might one day have to fight side by side to protect our inheritance, those people with whom we will suffer when attacked, those people whose destinies are in some way tied up with our own. **[http://docuwiki.net/index.php?title=Rivers_of_Blood Rivers of Blood] BBC2 documentary (8 March 2008) * Conservatives have, on the whole, accepted nationality as a sphere of local duties and loyalties, defining an inheritance and a community that has a right to pass on its values from generation to generation. The nation may indeed be the best that we now have, by way of a society linking the dead to the unborn, in the manner extolled by Burke. And for this very reason it arouses the hostility of liberals, who are constantly searching for a place outside loyalty and obedience, from which all human claims can be judged. Hence, in the conflicts of our times, while conservatives leap to the defense of the nation and its interests, wishing to maintain its integrity and to enforce its law, liberals advocate transnational initiatives, international courts, and doctrines of universal rights, all of which, they believe, should stand in judgment over the nation and hold it to account. ** [http://spectator.org/42528_back-basics/ "The Limits of Liberty,"] ''The American Spectator'' (December 2008) * Liberty is not the same thing as equality, and that those who call themselves liberals are far more interested in equalizing than in liberating their fellows. ** [http://spectator.org/42528_back-basics/ "The Limits of Liberty,"] ''The American Spectator'' (December 2008) * A free society is a community of free beings, bound by the laws of sympathy and by the obligations of family love. It is not a society of people released from all moral constraint–for that is precisely the opposite of a society. Without moral constraint there can be no cooperation, no family commitment, no long-term prospects, no hope of economic, let alone social, order. ** [http://spectator.org/42528_back-basics/ "The Limits of Liberty,"] ''The American Spectator'' (December 2008) ====''Modern Culture'' (2000)==== :[ [http://www.continuumbooks.com Continuum] {{ISBN|0826494447}}] [[File:LuMaxArt Human Family with World Religions.png|thumb|The core of common [[culture]] is [[religion]]. Tribes survive and flourish because they have [[gods]], who fuse many wills into a single will, and demand and reward the sacrifices on which social life depends.]] * The core of common [[culture]] is [[religion]]. Tribes survive and flourish because they have [[gods]], who fuse many wills into a single will, and demand and reward the sacrifices on which social life depends. ** "Culture and Cult" (p. 5) * The first effect of modernism was to make high culture difficult: to surround beauty with a wall of erudition. ** "Avant-garde and Kitsch" (p. 85) * Without the background of a remembered [[faith]] modernism loses its conviction: it becomes routinised. For a long time now it has been assumed that there can be no authentic creation in the sphere of high art which is not is some way a 'challenge' to the ordinary public. [[Art]] must give offence, stepping out of the future fully armed against the bourgeois taste for kitsch and cliché. But the result of this is that offence becomes a cliché. ** "Avant-garde and Kitsch" (p. 86) * Faith exalts the human heart, by removing it from the market-place, making it sacred and unexchangeable. Under the jurisdiction of religion our deeper feelings are sacralized, so as to become raw material for the ethical life: the life lived in judgement. ** "Avant-garde and Kitsch" (p. 91) * The ethical life... is maintained in being by a common culture, which also upholds the togetherness of society... Unlike the modern youth culture, a common culture sanctifies the adult state, to which it offers rites of passage. ** "Idle Hands" (p. 127) ====''A Political Philosophy'' (2006)==== :[ [http://www.continuumbooks.com Continuum] {{ISBN|0826493912}}] * Conservatism is itself a modernism, and in this lies the secret of its success. ** "Eliot and Conservatism" (p. 194) * The conservative response to modernity is to embrace it, but to embrace it ''critically'', in full consciousness that human achievements are rare and precarious, that we have no God-given right to destroy our inheritance, but must always patiently submit to the voice of order, and set an example of orderly living. ** "Eliot and Conservatism" (p. 208) * The future of mankind, for the socialist, is simple: pull down the existing order and allow the future to emerge. ** "Eliot and Conservatism" (p. 208) ====''England and the Need for Nations'' (2006)==== * Democracies owe their existence to national loyalties — the loyalties that are supposedly shared by government and opposition, by all political parties, and by the electorate as a whole. Wherever the experience of nationality is weak or non-existent, democracy has failed to take root. For without national loyalty, opposition is a threat to government, and political disagreements create no common ground. * National loyalty is founded in the love of place, of the customs and traditions that have been inscribed in the landscape and of the desire to protect these good things through a common law and a common loyalty. * Europe owes its greatness to the fact that the primary loyalties of the European people have been detached from religion and re-attached to the land. Those who believe that the division of Europe into nations has been the primary cause of European wars should remember the devastating wars of religion that national loyalties finally brought to an end. And they should study our art and literature for its inner meaning. In almost every case, they will discover, it is an art and literature not of war but of peace, an invocation of home and the routines of home, of gentleness, everydayness and enduring settlement. * National loyalty involves a love of home and a preparedness to defend it; [[nationalism]] is a belligerent ideology, which uses national symbols in order to conscript the people to war. * Never in the history of the world have there been so many migrants. And almost all of them are migrating from regions where nationality is weak or non-existent to the established nation states of the West. They are not migrating because they have discovered some previously dormant feeling of love or loyalty towards the nations in whose territory they seek a home. On the contrary, few of them identify their loyalties in national terms and almost none of them in terms of the nation where they settle. They are migrating in search of citizenship which is the principal gift of national jurisdictions, and the origin of the peace, law, stability and prosperity that still prevail in the West. * Nationality is not the only kind of social membership, nor is it an exclusive tie. However, it is the only form of membership that has so far shown itself able to sustain a democratic process and a liberal rule of law. * The idea that the citizen owes loyalty to a country, a territory, a jurisdiction and all those who reside within it — the root assumption of democratic politics, and one that depends upon the nation as its moral foundation - that idea has no place in the minds and hearts of many who now call themselves citizens of European states. ====''Culture Counts'' (2007)==== :[ [http://www.encounterbooks.com Encounter Books] {{ISBN|1594031940}}] * A civilization is a social entity that manifests religious, political , legal, and customary uniformity over an extended period, and which confers on its members the benefits of socially accumulated knowledge. ** "What is Culture?" (p. 2) * The culture of a civilization is the art and literature through which it rises to consciousness of itself and defines its vision of the world. ** "What is Culture?" (p. 2) * This "knowing what to do"… is a matter of having the right purpose, the purpose appropriate to the situation in hand... The one who "knows what to do" is the one on whom you can rely to make the best shot at success, whenever success is possible. ** "Knowledge and Feeling" (p. 35) * [T]o teach virtue we must educate the emotions, and this means learning "what to feel" in the various circumstances that prompt them. ** "Knowledge and Feeling" (p. 37) * In all the areas of life where people have sought and found consolation through forbidding their desires—sex in particular, and taste in general—the habit of judgment is now to be stamped out. ** "Rays of Hope" (p. 106) ===2010s=== * Throughout my adult life governments around the Western world have been propagating the gospel of multiculturalism, which tells us that immigrants, from whatever part of the world and whatever way of life, are a welcome part of our “multicultural” society. Differences of language, religion, custom, and attachment don’t matter, they have reassured us, since all can form part of the colorful tapestry of the modern state. Anybody who publicly disagreed with that claim invited the attentions of the thought police, always ready with the charge of racism, and never so scrupulous as to think it a sin to destroy the career of someone, provided he was white, indigenous, and male. To be quite honest, living through this period of organized mendacity has been one of the least agreeable ordeals that we conservatives have had to undergo. Keeping your head down is bad enough; but filling your head with official lies means sacrificing thought as well as freedom. ** [http://spectator.org/38473_multiculturalism-rip/ "Multiculturalism, R.I.P."] ''The American Spectator'' (December 2010) * Conservatives believe that our identities and values are formed through our relations with other people, and not through our relation with the state. The state is not an end but a means. Civil society is the end, and the state is the means to protect it. The social world emerges through free association, rooted in friendship and community life. And the customs and institutions that we cherish have grown from below, by the ‘invisible hand’ of co-operation. They have rarely been imposed from above by the work of politics, the role of which, for a conservative, is to reconcile our many aims, and not to dictate or control them. ** [http://www.spectator.co.uk/2014/01/the-right-way/ "Stand up for the real meaning of freedom,"] ''The Spectator'' (January 2014) * Conservatism is a philosophy of inheritance and stewardship; it does not squander resources but strives to enhance them and pass them on. ** [http://www.spectator.co.uk/2014/01/the-right-way/ "Stand up for the real meaning of freedom,"] ''The Spectator'' (January 2014) * The real reason people are conservatives is that they are attached to the things that they love, and want to preserve them from abuse and decay. They are attached to their family, their friends, their religion, and their immediate environment. They have made a lifelong distinction between the things that nourish and the things that threaten their security and peace of mind. ** [https://www.nationalreview.com/nrd/articles/427945/conservatism-and-conservatory "Conservatism and the Conservatory,"], ''National Review'' (December 2015) * We are not born free, nor do we come into this world with a self-identity and autonomy of our own. We achieve those things, through the conflict and cooperation that weave us into the social fabric. ** ''Where We Are: The State of Britain Now'' (2017) ====''[[w:How to Be a Conservative|How to Be a Conservative]]'' (2014)==== *In discussing tradition, we are not discussing arbitrary rules and conventions. We are discussing answers that have been discovered to enduring questions. (p. 21) * Take any aspect of the Western inheritance of which our ancestors were proud, and you will find university courses devoted to deconstructing it. Take any positive feature of our political and cultural inheritance, and you will find concerted efforts in both the media and the academy to place it in quotation marks, and make it look like an imposture or a deceit. (p. 40) * Conservatism starts from a sentiment that all mature people can readily share: the sentiment that good things are easily destroyed, but not easily created. This is especially true of the good things that come to us as collective assets: peace, freedom, law, civility, public spirit, the security of property and family life, in all of which we depend on the cooperation of others while having no means singlehandedly to obtain it. In respect of such things, the work of destruction is quick, easy, and exhilarating; the work of creation slow, laborious, and dull. That is one of the lessons of the twentieth century. It is also one reason why conservatives suffer such a disadvantage when it comes to public opinion. Their position is true but boring, that of their opponents exciting but false. * We do not merely study the past: we inherit it, and inheritance brings with it not only the rights of ownership, but the duties of trusteeship. Things fought for and died for should not be idly squandered. For they are the property of others, who are not yet born. ====''Fools, Frauds and Firebrands: Thinkers of the New Left'' (2015)==== :<small>Roger Scruton, ''Fools, Frauds and Firebrands, Thinkers of the New Left'' (Bloomsbury, 2015)</small> [[File:Escasez en Venezuela, Central Madeirense 8.JPG|thumb|Why is it after a century of [[Socialism|socialist]] disasters, and an intellectual legacy that has been time and again exploded, the left-wing position remains, as it were, the default position to which thinking people gravitate when called upon for a comprehensive philosophy? Why are "right-wingers" marginalised in the educational system, denounced in the media and regarded by our political class as untouchable, fit only to clean up after the orgies of luxurious nonsense indulged in by their moral superiors?]] * Why is it after a century of [[Socialism|socialist]] disasters, and an intellectual legacy that has been time and again exploded, the left-wing position remains, as it were, the default position to which thinking people gravitate when called upon for a comprehensive philosophy? Why are "right-wingers" marginalised in the educational system, denounced in the media and regarded by our political class as untouchable, fit only to clean up after the orgies of luxurious nonsense indulged in by their moral superiors? *The inescapable conclusion is that subjectivity, relativity and irrationalism are advocated [by Richard Rorty] not in order to let in all opinions, but precisely so as to exclude the opinions of people who believe in old authorities and objective truths. This is the short cut to [Antonio] Gramsci's new cultural hegemony: not to vindicate the new culture against the old, but to show that there are no grounds for either, so that nothing remains save political commitment.<p>Thus, almost all those who espouse the relativistic 'methods' introduced into the humanities by Foucault, Derrida and Rorty are vehement adherents to a code of political correctness that condemns deviation in absolute and intransigent terms. The relativistic theory exists in order to support an absolutist doctrine. We should not be surprised therefore at the extreme disarray that entered the camp of deconstruction, when it was discovered that one of the leading ecclesiastics, Paul de Man, once had Nazi sympathies. It is manifestly absurd to suggest that a similar disarray would have attended the discovery that Paul de Man had once been a communist -- even if he taken part in some of the great communist crimes. In such a case he would haved enjoyed the same compassionate endorsement as was afforded to [György] Lukács, [Maurice] Merleau-Ponty and Sartre. **pp. 236&ndash;237 ==Quotes about Roger Scruton== *Professor Scruton's Right consists of the authors of the ''[[w:The Salisbury Review|Salisbury Review]]'' under his editorship and is the nearest intellectually reputable thing that England has had to the authoritarian Conservatism which [[Joseph de Maistre|de Maistre]], in a Christian, and [[w:Charles Maurras|Maurras]] in a post-Christian, mode had propagated in France... Professor Scruton is a serious thinker who has produced a versatile and impressive oeuvre which, in addition to dealing with law and politics, deals with aesthetics, literature, philosophy and sexuality (in a sometimes off-beam way), gives unambiguous allegiance to art and culture as modern substitutes for religion, and leaves the impression of believing in "Conservatism" either as an aborted mixture of Christianity and secular truth, or as simply secular truth in itself. For a number of years when young he was a pupil and collaborator of Dr [[w:John Casey (academic)|John Casey]] from whom he acquired intellectual range and seriousness, a faint excess of high-principled intensity, and a coat-trailing, or Irish, contentiousness about race and colour which he had since abandoned. Also, when young, he was a Fellow of [[w:Peterhouse, Cambridge|Peterhouse]], from which he acquired some of the attitudes of "the [[w:Peterhouse school of history|Peterhouse Right]]". **[[Maurice Cowling]], 'Preface to the Second Edition', ''Mill and Liberalism'' (1963; 2nd ed., 1990), pp. xxviii-xxx == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{commons category}} * [http://www.roger-scruton.com/ The Home Page of Roger Scruton] * [http://www.salisbury-review.co.uk/ Salisbury Review Quarterly] {{Conservatism navbox}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Scruton, Roger}} [[Category:1944 births]] [[Category:2020 deaths]] [[Category:Academics from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Philosophers from England]] [[Category:English composers]] [[Category:Novelists from England]] [[Category:English lawyers]] [[Category:English journalists]] [[Category:Editors from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Publishers]] [[Category:Conservatives from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Anglicans from the United Kingdom]] gebbhoa36r4qx3dasojnhxiwb2lhehf 0 67804 3152966 2949648 2022-08-09T17:59:58Z Philip Cross 7192 ce wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Jeffrey Archer @ Oslo bokfestival 2012 4.jpg|right|thumb|175px|I've always disliked the right wing as much as I've disliked the left wing]] '''[[w:Jeffrey Archer|Jeffrey Howard Archer, Baron Archer of Weston-super-Mare]]''' (born [[15 April]] [[1940]]) is a British best-selling novellist and former politician. {{author-stub}} == Quotes == *I'm what you might call centre-right but I've always disliked the right wing as much as I've disliked the left wing. **Comment about his own political ideology. From a Question and Answer interview on [http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/politics/269876.stm BBC New Online]. (February 1, 1999) Url accessed on December 12, 2008. == External links == *{{wikipedia-inline}} *{{commons category-inline}} *{{official|https://jeffreyarcher.co.uk}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Archer, Jeffrey}} [[Category:Novelists from England]] [[Category:Members of the Parliament of the United Kingdom]] [[Category:People charged with crimes]] [[Category:1940 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:People from London]] [[Category:Conservative Party (UK) politicians]] l5vycgrtlco02wblip1oz724y085gyr 0 68474 3152977 3071670 2022-08-09T18:49:08Z Philip Cross 7192 not formally identified as a novelist in the text of the Wikipedia article (despite the use of two such categories) wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Michael Rosen.jpg|thumb|Michael Rosen]] '''[[w:Michael Rosen|Michael Rosen]]''' (born [[May 7]], [[1946]]) is an English poet and children's writer. He was the UK [[w:Children's Laureate|Children's Laureate]] until 2009. == Quotes == * Anyone who was once a child should have at least one children's book in them. ** ''Macca the paperback writer'', Guardian, (22 March 2005)[http://arts.guardian.co.uk/features/story/0,,1443374,00.html] * Respect is fatal, isn't it? ** ''Talking Shop'', BBC News, (12 June 2007) [http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/6742495.stm link] * The [[competition]] between chunks of capital is getting fiercer, there is the same old same old desperate need to keep [[wages]] down, desperate need to substitute machines for labour (but that costs trillions of investment) and no matter how hard you [[w:Exploitation of labour|exploit workers]], you still need to sell stuff to them, and if their wages are low, they can't buy the stuff. You can force the [[w:Working poor|poorly paid]] into borrowing [[money]] (credit cards, wonga etc) but there comes a point when that causes a credit crisis: someone somewhere says they want some dosh and a bank somewhere says they haven't got the dosh (Northern Rock, last time). Let's remember, none of this is caused by migrants or [[Left-wing politics|left]] [[social democrats]]. This is a crisis entirely born from a system that is locked into competition for markets. So, these fervid rows between squadrons of extremely unpleasant individuals are rows between people who deep down know that they can't control this system of running the making and distribution of the things we need. They are just coming up with fantasies on how to stay in power while the next phase veers from crisis to crisis. It is terrible for millions of people in awful insecure, low paid jobs and/or in insecure, lousy housing, or if they are disabled, or for millions trying to migrate their way out of poverty and despair. We should be alarmed when members of the [[ruling class]] start pleading with us to take sides with them against the '[[elite]]': one section of the elite calling for us to oppose the elite. ** ''[http://michaelrosenblog.blogspot.com/2018/07/neither-brussels-or-city-for-many-not.html 'Neither Brussels or the City - for the many not the few'.]'' (6 July 2018). === ''Carrying the Elephant''=== * He wanted to make a mirror. Glass, mercury and a wooden frame- the perfect mirror. But he was no good at it. So he went to the people he knew and asked them for a mirror. All they could give him were bits of old mirror. He took these home, stuck them on a board and hung it up. It's a mirror. ** Foreword * "dear joe, your wild noisy huge brother is dead.<br> I couldn't do what my parents did:<br>bring two boys, four years apart through the maze." * It's nice of you to say you'll always remember him. You won't. * "People are good," he said. "They'll all<br> be good to you. Except one." * "I mucked about with his hair. His shoes<br> were where he left them. His shoes are where he<br> left them." * "You ask me how it's possible for me to carry on. I wonder<br>if I look like someone who looks like <br> it's possible to carry on." * "Bloody music. I hate the way it infiltrates." * "It didn't work out the way it's supposed to." === ''Sad Book'' === * "Sometimes because I'm sad I do bad things.<br>I can't tell you what they are.<br>They are too bad. And it's not fair on the cat." * Sad is anywhere. It comes along and finds you. * There must be candles. == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{commons category}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Rosen, Michael}} [[Category:Children's authors]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:1946 births]] [[Category:People from London]] [[Category:English poets]] [[Category:Bloggers]] [[Category:Political authors]] [[Category:Politicians from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Socialists from England]] iu62h6dg5kdoye5jozo4uoraoh62zep 3152978 3152977 2022-08-09T18:49:52Z Philip Cross 7192 only a two year term wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Michael Rosen.jpg|thumb|Michael Rosen]] '''[[w:Michael Rosen|Michael Rosen]]''' (born [[May 7]], [[1946]]) is an English poet and children's writer. He was the UK [[w:Children's Laureate|Children's Laureate]] from 2007 to 2009. == Quotes == * Anyone who was once a child should have at least one children's book in them. ** ''Macca the paperback writer'', Guardian, (22 March 2005)[http://arts.guardian.co.uk/features/story/0,,1443374,00.html] * Respect is fatal, isn't it? ** ''Talking Shop'', BBC News, (12 June 2007) [http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/6742495.stm link] * The [[competition]] between chunks of capital is getting fiercer, there is the same old same old desperate need to keep [[wages]] down, desperate need to substitute machines for labour (but that costs trillions of investment) and no matter how hard you [[w:Exploitation of labour|exploit workers]], you still need to sell stuff to them, and if their wages are low, they can't buy the stuff. You can force the [[w:Working poor|poorly paid]] into borrowing [[money]] (credit cards, wonga etc) but there comes a point when that causes a credit crisis: someone somewhere says they want some dosh and a bank somewhere says they haven't got the dosh (Northern Rock, last time). Let's remember, none of this is caused by migrants or [[Left-wing politics|left]] [[social democrats]]. This is a crisis entirely born from a system that is locked into competition for markets. So, these fervid rows between squadrons of extremely unpleasant individuals are rows between people who deep down know that they can't control this system of running the making and distribution of the things we need. They are just coming up with fantasies on how to stay in power while the next phase veers from crisis to crisis. It is terrible for millions of people in awful insecure, low paid jobs and/or in insecure, lousy housing, or if they are disabled, or for millions trying to migrate their way out of poverty and despair. We should be alarmed when members of the [[ruling class]] start pleading with us to take sides with them against the '[[elite]]': one section of the elite calling for us to oppose the elite. ** ''[http://michaelrosenblog.blogspot.com/2018/07/neither-brussels-or-city-for-many-not.html 'Neither Brussels or the City - for the many not the few'.]'' (6 July 2018). === ''Carrying the Elephant''=== * He wanted to make a mirror. Glass, mercury and a wooden frame- the perfect mirror. But he was no good at it. So he went to the people he knew and asked them for a mirror. All they could give him were bits of old mirror. He took these home, stuck them on a board and hung it up. It's a mirror. ** Foreword * "dear joe, your wild noisy huge brother is dead.<br> I couldn't do what my parents did:<br>bring two boys, four years apart through the maze." * It's nice of you to say you'll always remember him. You won't. * "People are good," he said. "They'll all<br> be good to you. Except one." * "I mucked about with his hair. His shoes<br> were where he left them. His shoes are where he<br> left them." * "You ask me how it's possible for me to carry on. I wonder<br>if I look like someone who looks like <br> it's possible to carry on." * "Bloody music. I hate the way it infiltrates." * "It didn't work out the way it's supposed to." === ''Sad Book'' === * "Sometimes because I'm sad I do bad things.<br>I can't tell you what they are.<br>They are too bad. And it's not fair on the cat." * Sad is anywhere. It comes along and finds you. * There must be candles. == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{commons category}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Rosen, Michael}} [[Category:Children's authors]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:1946 births]] [[Category:People from London]] [[Category:English poets]] [[Category:Bloggers]] [[Category:Political authors]] [[Category:Politicians from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Socialists from England]] ic6k8g7h48du3kppb220d58xzynr8dx 0 69761 3153156 3080587 2022-08-10T08:04:33Z 95.233.35.76 /* Episode 142 - What Lies Beneath (Part 2) */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Yu-Gi-Oh! GX|Yu-Gi-Oh GX]]''''' is a side story/spin-off to the original '''[[w:Yu-Gi-Oh!|Yu-Gi-Oh]]''' animated series, following Jaden Yuki and his friends through their life in Duel Academy - a school that teaches Duel Monsters dueling. Some members of the original series make minor cameos in the GX series. ==Season 1== ===Episode 1 - The Next King of Games=== :'''Bastion''': Hey, wait. If I'm second best, who's first? :'''Jaden''': Yours truly. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jaden''': All right, teach! Get your game on! :'''Dr. Crowler''': Yes, yes, very good... ''[Under breath]'' Don't tell me what to do! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Yugi''': Here, why don't you take this? Something tells me it belongs with you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Proctor''': Sorry to interrupt, but one last applicant has arrived to take his exam, Mr. Crowler. :'''Dr. Crowler''': Did you just call me "Mister"? :'''Proctor''': Oh, I'm sorry. I'm new here, Misses- :'''Dr. Crowler''': I'm a Ph.D in dueling, I've earned the title ''Doctor''! Thank you! ===Episode 2 - Welcome to Duel Academy=== :''[Jaden and the others are discussing their new dorm arrangements after arriving at the Academy]'' :'''Jaden''': Hey, you in red too? :'''Bastion''': Well now, let's see here. Yellow sleeves, yellow buttons... I don't think so. :'''Jaden''': Oh, I get it. So that's why Sy and I are in red. :'''Bastion''': Please don't tell me that you just figured that out now. :'''Jaden''': So what? Ever think I'm colorblind? ===Episode 3 - A Duel in Love=== :''[Syrus finds a fake love letter for Jaden claiming to be from Alexis]'' :'''Syrus''': I even have the note right here! Look, see? :'''Alexis''': Syrus, my name's not even spelled right there. :'''Mindy''': Sorry Syrus, but I think someone is yanking your chain here. :'''Syrus''': So then you don't love me? :'''Jasmine''': Hey, wait a second, this note is made out to Jaden Yuki! :'''Syrus''': What? Jaden? But- ''[Looks at note]'' Aww, so I can't even get a fake love letter? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crowler''': Well, well, well, a Slifer vs an Obelisk. Put him in his place, Alexis. :'''Alexis''': Ready? :'''Jaden''': Oh, yeah. :'''Jaden & Alexis''': Duel! :''[Duel commences]'' :'''Jaden''': Get your game on, Alexis! :'''Syrus''': Here we go. :'''Alexis''': Alright, ''[draws]'' let's see. Etoile Cyber, rise! ''[summons Etoile Cyber in attack mode]'' And I'm also going to place one card face-down. :'''Jaden''': Time to throw down! First... ''[draws Sparkman]'' Yes. I'll summon the Elemental Hero Sparkman! ''[summons Sparkman in attack mode]'' And now, I'll have him attack your Etoile Cyber with, Static Shockwave! :'''Alexis''': Hold it right there! ''[reveals her face-down Trap, "Doble Passe"]'' I activate the trap card, "Doble Passe!" ''[gets hit by Sparkman's powers]'' :'''Jaden''': Huh? :'''Alexis''': Doble Passe changes your monster's attack to a direct attack on ''me''. And now, my monster that you were about to attack, gets to wage a direct attack on ''you''! :'''Jaden''': Great. :'''Alexis''': Oh, and when Etoile Cyber attacks someone directly, her attack points increase by 600. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Alexis''': I play, Blade Skater! ''[summons Blade Skater in attack mode]'' And, I activate the spell card, "Polymerization" to fuse Etoile Cyber and Blade Skater together to summon Cyber Blader! ''[fuses Etoile Cyber and Blade Skater to form Cyber Blader in attack mode]'' Now, Cyber Blader attack Sparkman with Whirlwind Rage! ===Episode 4 - Making The Grade=== :'''All''': Guards! Guards! Guards! :'''Both''': Running out of Cards already?! :'''Jaden''': Hey, I always plan on passing, it just doesn't always work out that way. :'''Crowler''': Cards? What Cards? Oh, do you mean these Cards? ===Episode 5 - The Shadow Duelist (Part 1)=== :'''Jaden''': I mean, you ''could'' look at it as being lost. Or you could just say we found a couple of places where it's not. ===Episode 6 - The Shadow Duelist (Part 2)=== :'''Jaden''': Oh come on now, red contacts? You really went overboard setting up for this, huh? ===Episode 7 - Duel & Unusual Punishment=== :'''Alexis''': You know, Chumley, you're pretty good with words of encouragement. :'''Chumley''': Huh? Well I've got all kinds of books on self-motivation. For some reason my dad keeps gettin' 'em for me. ===Episode 8 - For The Sake of Syrus=== :'''Jaden''': Lousy Dr. Crowler! Where does it say that those duel request forms need to be filled out in triplicate? And with a number eight pencil?! ===Episode 9 - Family Business=== :''[Jaden and Syrus meet Chumley's dad]'' :'''Jaden''': No way. That's his dad? :'''Syrus''': Looks like a body-builder, huh? :'''Jaden''': Yeah. :'''Syrus''': Though carrying around Chumley as a kid, you'd kinda have to be. ===Episode 10 - Tag Team Trial (Part 1)=== :'''Chumley''': But duh, Jaden, it's not just another duel! It's a tag duel and if you lose it you'll be on the next bus outta here! :'''Jaden''': Hello, Chumley! That's totally why we're not gonna lose! And uh, Chumley? We're on an island. Bus? :'''Chumley''': Whatevs. Ya still oughta give me your meal cards just in case. :'''Jaden''': Thanks for the vote a confidence. :'''Chumley''': Well, someone's gotta eat your grilled cheese if you go! :'''Syrus''': Chumley may have a point. The last time I dueled, it was awful! Just like my big brother always told me I was. If we're gonna win this, I'm just gonna have to do better and not let anything get in my head! Especially Zane. After all, the last time I let him get to me, Jaden really let me have it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jaden''': Whoa, the acoustics in here are great! :'''Syrus''': Yeah, you think maybe they'd count your echo as your tag partner? :'''Jaden''': (patting Syrus' head) For the last time, you're my partner! Ha ha ha! :'''Syrus''': Doesn't hurt to ask though. (laughs) :'''Chazz''': (angrily watching Jaden and Syrus) You Slifer Slackers! It should be me taking you out! But I guess as long as someone does it! ===Episode 11 - Tag Team Trial (Part 2)=== :'''Jaden''': How can I write ten pages?! I've never even read that much! ===Episode 12 - Formula For Success=== :'''Jaden''': All right, all right, maybe it wasn't a foul, Bastion. :'''Syrus''': Jaden, over the center field fence usually isn't. ===Episode 13 - Monkey See, Monkey Duel=== :'''Mindy''': I don't get how that monkey understands him. :'''Alexis''': Maybe all the training he's had has taught Wheeler how to speak human. Or maybe Jaden's really a monkey. ===Episode 14 - A Spirit Summoned=== :'''Jinzo''': I'm collecting on our deal. You lost half your life points, so I'm taking half your life force, and it feels GOOD. ===Episode 15 - Courting Alexis=== :'''Jaden''': Well Alexis, I guess that means I'm your fiancee! :'''Syrus''': He's really going through with it? :'''Jasmine''': Oh my! :'''Jaden''': So... what does 'fiancee' mean anyway? ===Episode 16 - The Duel Giant=== :'''Crowler''': Oh, Jaden m'boy! :'''Syrus''': He's being nice, something's wrong. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Syrus''': Uh, listen Jaden, is it too late to say that this is a bad idea? :'''Jaden''': Hmm? :'''Chumley''': Doesn't Crowler really not like you? :'''Jaden''': He sure doesn't. But how could I turn down no homework, a field trip, and a big duel? :'''Syrus''': Uh, by saying no? :'''Chumley''': I mean, do you even know how to say no? :'''Jaden''': Yes. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crowler''': So first you find the duel giant, and then he escapes! First all those cards were lost, now they're found! :'''Jaden''': First I had no homework, and now- :'''Crowler''': KEEP WRITING! ===Episode 17 - Nature of The Draw=== :'''Syrus''': That's crazy talk, Jaden. Everyone knows that roosters don't lay eggs! :'''Syrus''': Picking cards, drawing cards, amazing! :'''Jaden''': Why, thank you! :'''Chumley''': So you think when this thief guy comes, he's gonna have anything on him? :'''Jaden''': For the last time Chumley, he steals egg sandwiches, not grilled cheese! Would you tell him, Alexis?! :'''Alexis''': It's true, Chum. :'''Jaden''': Hey, what's Lexis up to? ===Episode 18 - King of The Copycats (Part 1)=== :''[Two workmen are talking about Dr. Crowler]'' :'''Workman #1''': You know, I didn't know he was a doctor. :'''Workman #2''': I didn't know he was a dude. ===Episode 19 - King of The Copycats (Part 2)=== :'''Jaden''': It's "sweet"! And you're not even close to doing my pose right! ===Episode 20 - The Maiden in Love=== :'''Syrus''': I want one! How do I get a Maiden Counter? :'''Chumley''': Yeah, me too! I want one too! :'''Alexis''': Uh, guys? Try and remember that it's just a card you're looking at. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zane''': I'm sorry. But it's time for you to go home. :''[Blair starts to cry]'' :'''Jaden''': Wait, why does she have to go home? 'Cause you say so, hello? She's a student here in Duel Academy and a good one! :'''Zane''': Jaden, she has to go home. :'''Jaden''': Huh? Oh, I see whatcha doin' here, Zane. You're pushing her out ''because'' she's a good student. ''(laughs)'' Cause she might dethrone you! :''[Alexis laughs]'' :'''Zane''': She has to go home, because she's in 2nd grade. :'''Jaden''': Say what?! :'''Syrus and Chumley''': IN 2ND GRADE?!! :'''Jaden''': So, you're saying that I almost got beaten by a girl who's only 8 years old?! :'''Blair''': ''[sticks out her tongue and points at Jaden]'' 8 ''and a half'', if it makes you feel any better! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Blair''': Good-bye, Jaden! My sweet prince. I love you! :''[our hero is in the state of shock]'' :'''Jaden''': WHAT!?!?! Wait! She's supposed to like Zane! :'''Alexis''': She ''does'' like Zane. But apparently, she '''loves''' ''you''! ''[giggles]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Blair''': ''[waves good-bye to Jaden as she sails home]'' I'll see you soon! Write me every day! I love you, Jaden-sweetie! :'''Jaden''': ''[groans and waves back]'' Wish they made cards... to counter this! ===Episode 21 - The Duel Off (Part 1)=== :''[The teachers are choosing the representative for the duel-off against North Academy]'' :'''Chancellor Sheppard''': The only question is who will this first year be? :'''Zane''': Jaden Yuki :'''Professor Crowler''': ''[Freaks out]'' :'''Professor Banner''': I agree. Jaden is our best new student ''[looks down at Pharaoh]'' Don't you think? :'''Pharaoh''': Meow. :'''Professor Crowler''': Oh well, if the cat says so. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jaden''': Alright guys! Get your eat on! This stuff's so good! ''[picks up a sardine]'' The hard part is remembering to chew- ''[eats the sardine]'' before you swallow. :'''Syrus''': That explains why we're missing so many forks!!! ===Episode 22 - The Duel Off (Part 2)=== :'''Crowler''': Does this slacker ever lose...? ===Episode 23 - The Little Belowski=== :'''Belowski''': I play Mokey Mokey in attack modey-modey! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Syrus, Chumley, Bastion, Alexis, Crowler, and Belowski are asleep after the duel]'' :'''Jaden''': HEY! Is anyone awake?! Oh come on! Okay, I ''will'' use your Water Dragon! And your Power Bond! Etoile Cyber? ''[Distracted]'' Hey, the clouds do kinda look like duel monsters.... ===Episode 24 - The New Chazz=== :'''Chazz''': Actually, I wasn't! You're still just as annoying and revolting and nonexistent as ever! Got it?! You're a disgusting little gremlin and I don't like you so quit bugging me! ===Episode 25 - The School Duel (Part 1)=== :'''Chancellor Foster''': Ah, Jaden! So you're Duel Academy's Phenom. :'''Jaden''': PHENOM!! THAT'S THE COOLEST THING I'VE EVER BEEN CALLED!!!.... what's it mean? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Chazz''': Alright, go time. Let's see what you got Jaden. :'''Jaden''': With pleasure. :'''Chazz''': No. The pleasure's gonna be all ''mine''. Because you're going down! :'''Jaden & Chazz''': DUEL! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jaden''': So come on, come on! When do I meet my opponent?! :'''Chazz''': Right now, slacker. :'''Jaden''': Who just said that? :'''Chazz''': It's me. :'''Jaden''': Whoa, hold on! Am I seeing things or is that Chazz?! :'''Chazz''': You got that right. :'''Jaden''': Well, why are you here? :'''Chazz''': For the duel. :'''Jaden''': I think it's sold out. :'''Chazz''': I'm in it. :'''Jaden''': Like as a ref? :'''Chazz''': I'm dueling you! :'''Jaden''': You mean.... It's you?! You're North Academy's duel rep?! ===Episode 26 - The School Duel (Part 2)=== :'''Chazz''': This sucks. My new family is already dysfunctional. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jaden''' and other '''Slifer Red students''': Slifer it up! :'''Chazz''': Couldn't we just stick with 'Chazz it up'?! ===Episode 27 - Grave Risk (Part 1)=== :'''Jaden''': They dress weirder than Dr. Crowler! <hr width="80%"> :'''GraveKepper’s Chief''': Gravekeeper’s Spear Soldier! ''[summons Gravekeeper’s Spear Soldier]'' I hope your Bubbleman’s draw provided you with two very good cards, because already, he’s outmatched in battle, and he is soon to be outnumbered as well! :'''Jaden''': Uh-oh. :'''GraveKepper’s Chief''': I now summon in attack mode, Gravekeeper’s Guard! ''[flip summons Gravekeeper’s Guard]'' And his effect lets me return a monster that’s out to its owner’s hand. And the monster I choose, is Bubbleman! <hr width="80%"> :'''GraveKepper’s Chief''': ''[draws]'' I activate the magic card, "Pot of Greed." Now, I can draw two cards. ''[draws two cards; Necrovalley and Gravekeeper’s Assailant]'' I shall summon Gravekeeper’s Assailant in attack mode! ''[summons Gravekeeper’s Assailant]'' And she will be joined the mysticism of Gravekeeper’s Curse! ===Episode 28 - Grave Risk (Part 2)=== :''[The GraveKeeper's allies are preparing to attack Jaden]'' :'''GraveKeeper’s Chief''': No! He lives. He was an impressive opponent. :'''Jaden''': Hey, thanks! Some of your moves were pretty tight too there! It was a sweet match, let's duel again sometime! :'''GraveKeeper’s Chief''': What? You mean to say you enjoyed the Shadow Game? :'''Jaden''': Oh, totally! I mean, I could've done without the whole 'friends in the coffin' thing, but it was fun! ===Episode 29 - Doomsday Duel (Part 1)=== :''[In Professor Banner's class]'' :'''Jaden''': ''[Yawns]'' Time to get up! :'''Syrus''': For the next class? :'''Jaden''': Of course not, for lunch. ''[Takes out his lunchbox]'' Oh yeah!! The one subject I can't get enough of! :'''Professor Banner''': Just a moment there Jaden. I'm afraid your lunch will have to wait. It seems Chancellor Sheppard wants a word with you. :'''Chumley''': Jaden, I'll watch your lunch for you, especially if you have a side of grilled steak in there. :'''Jaden''': Oh, you wish. :'''Syrus''': Chancellor Sheppard! Aw Jaden, what did you do? :'''Jaden''': Maybe it's good, like an award? :'''Chazz''': Hehe! NO WAY!! It's never good news with Sheppard. You are so busted!!! :'''Professor Banner''': Actually Chazz, he wants to see you too. :'''Chazz''': He-WHA!!!? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dr. Crowler''': Well, well. Look at this convocation of students. Some of the best duelists in the school, I see. ''[Looks at Jaden]'' Uh-oh! ''(sings)'' Which one of these is not like the other? Clearly someone here is a little bit lost. :'''Jaden''': He is not. Chazz was invited. :'''Chazz''': He means ''you''. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Syrus''': What? Wait a sec, you can't just go to sleep right now! I mean what if a Shadow Rider shows, Jaden!? :'''Jaden''': Huh? I'm sure they'll wake me up. I only hope... its not before 10. Actually, make that 11. So I have time to shower and stuff. :'''Syrus''': Wow Jay, you sure seem chill. :'''Jaden''': Hey, no wait, maybe 12. So I can have breakfast too. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sheppard explains that the three Sacred Beast cards are hidden in Duel Academy]'' :'''Jaden''': Sweet... like under someone's mattress or in a cookie jar? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sheppard explains about the Shadow Riders seeking out the Keykeepers]'' :'''Chazz''': Uh... seek us out? Don't you mean TAKE us out?! ===Episode 30 - Doomsday Duel (Part 2)=== :'''Syrus''': C'mon Jay.... :'''Alexis''': Sy, he's fine. Tired maybe, but who could blame him? :'''Chumley''': Not me. I'm tired and I didn't do a thing. :'''Syrus''': JAY! Don't do this! Why, WHY?! :'''Alexis''': He's ''okay''. ===Episode 31 - Field of Screams (Part 1)=== :'''Professor Crowler''': You see, though it makes me slightly ill to admit it, JADEN'S ABSOLUTELY RIGHT!! I CAN BEAT YOU!! I CAN THROW DOWN!!! AND I CAN GET MY GAME ON!!! ...Ugh, I suddenly feel the need to rinse my mouth out. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Crowler and Camula begin their duel]'' :'''Crowler & Camula''': Duel! :'''Camula''': So key-keeper, you don't believe in werewolves? ===Episode 32 - Field of Screams (Part 2)=== :'''Syrus''': Sure, I may have gotten the looks, but the truth is, you got just about everything else. ===Episode 33 - Field of Screams (Part 3)=== :'''Jaden''': (after getting out of the hospital) What's up? :'''Syrus''': (worries about Jaden risking his life to fight Camula) For the last time, you can't! :'''Chazz''': Yeah, you're still hurt, slacker! :'''Bastion''': It's true. :'''Alexis''': Maybe, but... See? We were back at the hospital... (remembers Atticus in the hospital) Oh! You're finally awake! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Camula''': Flare Wingman? But you never used that card in your deck before! You have to be cheating! You put it in there when I wasn't looking, didn't you? :'''Jaden''': Uh, yeah. But you know, I'm not so sure that's cheating. I mean, hello Camula, you were the one spying! ===Episode 34 - The Fear Factor=== :'''Jaden''': So you here to hang out? :'''Chazz''': With you? That's a good laugh, slacker. :'''Syrus''': (squirts water into Chazz's face) And that's an even better one! ===Episode 35 - Sibling Rivalry=== :'''Jaden''': ''[Singing]'' Chillin' out with ya crew in the schoolyard- yeah!- Findin' trouble, never- :'''Chazz''': You know, you don't have to follow me everywhere! ===Episode 36 - Duel Distractions (Part 1)=== :'''Chazz''': Crowler?! :'''Syrus''': What are you doing? :'''Crowler''': A man's work! :'''Banner''': A man's work? My, they must have been running very short on men. ===Episode 37 - Duel Distractions (Part 2)=== :'''Chazz''': Wow, she must be really desperate to find a husband if she's gotta use a cage. ===Episode 38 - Get Yarr Game On!=== :'''Bastion''': Wait, if this isn't a Shadow Game, then how did he shroud the duel arena in darkness? Would someone care to... explain that? :'''Sailor''': Sir, we've fixed the lights in the arena! :'''Chazz''', and '''Bastion''': ''[faint]'' ===Episode 39 - The Dark Scorpions=== :'''Jaden''': You know, there was a hole in the wall of our room. :'''Syrus''': It's true. :'''Chazz''': And let me guess, slacker, you've already sealed it back up? :'''Jaden''': Well, uh, kinda.... :'''Chazz''': ''[Sarcastically]'' You guys are really something. :'''Jaden''': Hey, thanks! We do what we can! :'''Chazz''': You sure do. ===Episode 40 - A Lying Legend=== :'''Banner''': You can continue in detention. :'''Syrus''': Ah man! Fifth time this week! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Chazz''': Oh, so ''now'' he's a legend?! Because you beat him?! ===Episode 41 - A Reason To Win=== :'''Titan''': So you see, now I'm more powerful than ever! :'''Alexis''': And uglier. ===Episode 42 - Duel Monsters Spirit Day=== :''[Dorothy is cosplaying as Dark Magician Girl]'' :'''Syrus''': ''[Screams]'' On what occasion is ''this'' a better idea?! :'''Chumley''': You don't think Dorothy pulls that off? :'''Dorothy''': Excuse me, but I make a great Dark Magician Girl and have for ten years! That's how long I've owned this costume! ''[Sleeve rips]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dark Magician Girl''': Okay, Fire Sorcerer! Do your thing! :'''Syrus''': Yeah, she's gonna do her thing! Um... what exactly is that again? ===Episode 43 - Hearts Are Wild=== :'''Alexis''': ''Well''. You have haven't grown up too much. :'''Pierre''': ''My''. You have. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jaden''': Pierre! You too! Now bon voyage! That's right, I know some French! ...That is French, right? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jaden''': Leaving? Sayonara, then! That's French too, right? ===Episode 44 - The Seventh Shadow Rider=== :'''Syrus''': Professor! :'''Chumley''': Banner! :'''Jaden''': Chazz is being Chazz again! :'''Dr. Crowler''': What gobbledygook duel alchemy is! What pure drivel!! [The students laugh at him] ===Episode 45 - Amnael's Endgame (Part 1)=== :'''Jaden''': Look, our friends need our help and we're gonna give it to them. ===Episode 46 - Amnael's Endgame (Part 2)=== :'''Jaden''': ''I'm'' a loser? At least I know how to use moisturizer! ===Episode 47 - Chazz-anova=== :''[Chazz steals the Spirit Keys to force Alexis to duel him]'' :'''Zane''': Anyone up for just tackling him? ===Episode 48 - Rise of The Sacred Beasts (Part 1)=== :'''Syrus''': Alexis, don't make the scary man mad. ===Episode 49 - Rise of The Sacred Beasts (Part 2)=== :'''Jaden''': ''[after hugging Kagemaru]'' I guess bear hugs and old folk don't go so well together. ===Episode 50 - Magna Chum Laude=== :'''Jaden''': Actually, I don't think I'd call it sleeping in class. It's more like scheduled study eye-breaks. :'''Alexis''': Give ''me'' a break Jaden. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dr. Crowler''': Dear Chumley: you're about to fail for the last time! ===Episode 51 - The Graduation Match (Part 1)=== :'''Syrus''': I just don't want to see my best friend get hurt! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crowler''': So not only did he destroy Cyber End Dragon, but he took the lead in the duel too?! :'''Sheppard''': Yes, it sure looks that way. Jaden has really done his homework here. :'''Crowler''': Done his homework...? Well, this would certainly be his first time. That slifer-slacker. ===Episode 52 - The Graduation Match (Part 2)=== :'''Zane''': You okay? :'''Jaden''': I think so. How's my hair? Is it still there? =='''Season 2'''== ===Episode 53 - Back to Duel=== :'''Professor Crowler''': After all, everyone on Earth knows Aster Phoenix. :'''Jaden''': ''[Near the Slifer Dorm with Aster]'' Hey kid, I don't know who you are, but let's duel! Wrong catch phrase, what I meant to say was... get your game on!! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jaden''': So what's your name, freshman? :'''Aster''': You can call me A. P. :'''Jaden''': Alright Ap, let's throw down!! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Syrus''': I can swear I've seen that guy before. :'''Alexis''': You're right. :'''Chazz''': Yeah, he does look familiar. :'''Dorothy''': Hey Chazz, maybe he graduated from that snooty prep school of yours. :'''Syrus''': Good call. He certainly looks rich enough... and stuck up enough. :'''Chazz''': Look, shrimp, he's nothing like me! :'''Aster''': ''[Off-screen]'' Ojama Yellow! Defense mode!! :''[Chazz falls over]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Aster''': Wow, so I guess it's true. You are good as they say! :'''Jaden''': Thanks for the props. But when you play cards like Ojama Yellow, you don't exactly make it too tough. :'''Chazz''': ''[Smirks and leans next to Syrus]'' He's right. :'''Jaden''': What'd ya do? Take lessons from Chazz or something? :''[Chazz hears and falls over]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hassleberry''': Can you guys tell me who's in charge 'round here? ===Episode 54 - Champion or Chazz-been?=== :'''Chazz''': You know, I used to be just like you. A snob who looked down on everyone around me. But I've changed. Know how? Now I'm a snob who only looks down on some people. ===Episode 55 - A Hassleberry Hounding=== :'''Syrus''': Will you give it up? You're not in the army! :'''Troupe Tyranno''': Who's the best? Troup Tyranno! And who's gonna win? :'''Syrus''': Troup Jaden! :'''Jaden''': Am I the only one here who hasn't gone insane? ===Episode 56 - Sad But Truesdale=== :'''Syrus''': Who's the scared one NOW?! Why don't I give you a little hint- she's the one with the monster speeding towards her! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Syrus & Missy''': Game on! :'''Missy''': Ladies first. ''[draws her turn]'' Look out! I summon Prickle Fairy in defense mode! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Syrus''': ''[Thinking]'' Whenever things get tough, I start to doubt myself! I hear this voice in my head telling me to give up because I'm not good enough! :'''Missy''': You're not good enough, dork, so just give up! :'''Syrus''': ''[Thinking]'' See, there it is! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hassleberry''': C'mon soldier, up and at 'em. You can't hide in there forever. :'''Syrus''': Of course not. Just for a few days. A week tops. But don't worry, I've got everything I need in here. Bottled water, a canned ham, Mr. Fuzzy-Bear.... :'''Hassleberry''': I am not even gonna ask. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Missy''': ''[After Syrus activates No Entry]'' Stroke of luck...lovely. ===Episode 57 - The Demon=== :'''Syrus''': So when Jaden fuses those two heroes he can choose to form Flame Wingman or Phoenix Enforcer? :'''Jaden''': Wait, I can?! Whoa, who knew? :'''Chazz''': Wow! You're even dumber than I thought! And that's saying a lot! :'''Jaden''': Whaddaya know? My deck has a new trick! Why didn't anyone tell me about this before? :'''Chazz''': How did this spazz ever beat me?! ===Episode 58 - A New Breed of Hero (Part 1)=== :'''Jaden''': ''[Bouncing on Bastion's bed]'' You gotta love these beds. ===Episode 59 - A New Breed of Hero (Part 2)=== :'''Aster''': You can't hide from destiny! ===Episode 60 - Pop Goes The Duel=== :'''Chazz''': We may be one man down, but we're five men strong!! Well four men and a lovely lady... alright three men, a lady, and Syrus!! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Atticus''': Hey Sissy!! :'''Alexis''': ''[looks surprised]'' Atticus! :'''Chazz''': No way. :'''Syrus''': Nice song! :'''Hasslebery''': Hold on. Who's he calling a sissy!! :'''Alexis''': Me, he's my brother. :'''Hassleberry''': I knew that. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crowler''': By the way Alexis, have you come to your senses yet, or not? :'''Alexis''': My senses? I'm not the one in a wetsuit with a boat strapped to my back. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Alexis''': I already told you guys, didn't I? Crowler wants me and Atticus to become a pop singing duo. :'''Crowler''': What's so bad about that? I get free publicity, you get a free dress. It's a win-win situation. :'''Chazz''': ''[Daydreams about Alexis in a dress]'' YEAH!!! :'''Alexis''': A little help here! :'''Bastion''': Yeah, Chazz, you know she can't carry a tune. :'''Alexis''': ''[Gets mad and slaps Bastion]'' :'''Hassleberry''': You gotta know when to hold it, soldier. :'''Bastion''': I was... trying to help. Girls are so complex. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Chazz''': 'L' to the 'E' to the 'X' to the 'I'! Lexi rules and that's no lie! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Atticus''': I've already named our band. We're called Bro-Bro and Sissy. :'''Hassleberry''': So, which one's he? :'''Bastion''': Good question... ===Episode 61 - I've Seen The Light=== :'''Chazz''': Where's your duel disk anyway? :'''Sartorius''': Who needs a duel disk when you have ''this!'' ''[Table appears]'' :'''Chazz''': Uh, you realize that's a table, don't you? ===Episode 63 - Curry Worries=== :'''Chazz''': ''[Watching the rest of the gang eating]'' Ugh. I once settled for this low-grade slop too, but then I joined the Society of Light! Now, I'm destined for something more! :'''Bastion''': Yes, starvation if you're waiting for a steak in this school. ===Episode 64 - Camaraderie Contest=== :'''Atticus''': You both wanna be frontman, but the problem is you're singing back-up. Like her, she dreams of stardom, but takes a backseat to her big bro. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Syrus''': You're on, Serge! I'll take your tough talk and wrap it up in a box, then I'll mail it right back to you! :'''Atticus''': At least my analogies make sense. ===Episode 65 - No Pain, No Game=== :'''Bastion''': Well if my brother hit rock-bottom, I'm sure I'd feel the same way. :'''Chazz''': And if Zane was my brother, I'd change my last name. Hey, guess what, Syrus? Now there's someone out there who's even lamer than you are! ===Episode 66 - Going Bananas=== :''[Jaden's lost in the woods looking for Duel Academy, and is going in the opposite direction from it]'' :'''Jaden''': ''[To Wheeler]'' Bye! Thanks for the memories! Haha! :'''Wheeler''': ''[Looks towards a sign pointing to Duel Academy looming over the trees]'' :'''Jaden''': All right, I've got to be close to Duel Academy now. If only there was a sign... ''[Walks off in the other direction]'' ===Episode 67 - Homecoming Duel (Part 1)=== :'''Bonaparte''': You know, you're only as old as you feel! Allow me to demonstrate! All right dudes, let's get funky with our bad selves! :'''Syrus''': What's he talking about? ===Episode 68 - Homecoming Duel (Part 2)=== :'''Bastion''': That's Jaden. If he's got one thing, it's a flair for the dramatic. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bastion''': Great Scot! :'''Syrus''': Aww man! :'''Hassleberry''': Sam Hill! :'''Alexis''': Why don't I have a catchphrase! ===Episode 69 - Dormitory Demolition=== :'''Crowler''': That dorm is staying put! :'''Bonaparte''': Over my dead body! :'''Crowler''': Fine by me! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crowler''': You're such a dramatic little man. But save the screaming for the end! :'''Bonaparte''': Well, FINE! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hassleberry''': I'm lost. :'''Syrus''': Me too. :'''Bastion''': Any thoughts, Jay? :'''Jaden''': This duel is so sweet! ===Episode 70 - Obelisk White=== :'''Jasmine''': He's pretty creepy. :'''Mindy''': Typical guy. :'''Syrus''': She's pretty riled up. :'''Hassleberry''': Typical gal. ===Episode 72 - Not Playing With A Full Deck=== :'''Howard''': Well, well, well. A young blossom. So full of potential, yet so easy to destroy. Say your prayers. (stomps on flower) Jaden, you're next! ===Episode 73 - Source of Strength=== :'''Jaden''': Come on. What, he thinks we're in first grade? :'''Hassleberry''': Actually, one of us is! :'''Syrus''': I'm gonna ignore that! ===Episode 74 - Happily Never After=== :'''Society of Light, except Sarina''': (shouting) SARINA! SARINA! SARINA! :'''Jaden''': What, did he brainwash the whole dorm? :'''Hassleberry''': (muttering) Affirmative, Why else why would they be cheerin’ like that, it’s not like he deserves it. :'''Syrus''': Well, he is the oldest living freshman. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sartorius''': You see, gentlemen. As a new student here, I'd rather not stand out. :'''Hassleberry''': Then get a new haircut! :'''Sarina''': Touche. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rose''': I’ll start with tadpole. :'''Hassleberry''': Now that’s ugly. :'''Rose''': (to Hassleberry) You would know. :'''Syrus''': ''(laughing)'' Heh! She got you. :'''Hassleberry''': ''(hiding face while muttering)'' I know. ===Episode 76 - Taken By Storm (Part 2)=== :''[Aster sees Jaden and Solomon near an alley]'' :'''Aster''': Jaden? :'''Jaden''': Hey bro. Grandpa, this is my good friend, Aster Phoenix. :'''Solomon''': I know. I follow professional dueling. I'm a big fan. :'''Aster''': Who knew I had such old fans. :'''Grampa''': Like who? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Frost''': Either these guys are the ultimate tag team, or you and I are getting played, bro! ''[Reflector catches the light]'' Yo! Check out our reflectors! :'''Thunder''': Oh snap! These no-good punks can totally see each others cards! ===Episode 77 - J-Dawg & T-Bone=== :'''Solomon''': Chin up. So your friends got captured by an evil psychopath who's plotting [[world domination]]. Not to worry! That happened to me several times! ===Episode 78 - Mirror Mirror (Part 1)=== :'''Jaden''': Thanks, Aster! :'''Aster''': For what? Get it straight, I'm going to Kaibaland for ''me'', not ''you''. :'''Jaden''': Well, believe it or not, I actually enjoy your company, bro! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Solomon''': Not this place! :'''Jaden''': What is it, Gramps? :'''Aster''': Try reading the sign dude. :'''Jaden''': Ok... now what is it in English? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jaden''': Before we get our game on, who's your partner? :'''Sarina''': She's been right here. Would you boys like to meet her? Surprise. ''[her reflection twin appears]'' :'''Jaden''': Give me a break. And I thought ''one'' was bad. :'''Jaden, Aster, and Sarina twins''': GAME ON! :''[Tag-team duel begins]'' :'''Sarina #1''': Since we're in my world, I'll start! ''[draws]'' Now I summon, Sprit Ukyo! ===Episode 79 - Mirror Mirror (Part 2)=== :'''Aster''': This is why you're a beginner and I'm a pro! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bastion and Solomon see Jaden, Aster, Syrus, and Hassleberry come out from the virtual arena]'' :'''Solomon''': Hey, have you seen four kids, about your size? :'''Bastion''': Actually... that's them. ===Episode 81 - Let's Make A Duel=== :''[Alexis grabs Jaden]'' :'''Bob''': Alexis! I'm here for you! Unhand her! :'''Jaden''': 'Unhand'?! She's got me! :'''Bob''': Never fear, Bob is here! I'll protect you! :'''Jaden''': No offense bro, but I need protection! ===Episode 82 - Magnetic Personality=== :'''Bastion''': Am I... a good duelist or not? :'''Jaden''': Good? You're great! Right Sy? Like when you beat, um.... :'''Bastion''': Go on! :'''Syrus''': Well, that Amazon girl? :'''Bastion''': Ugh. She won. ===Episode 84 - Generation neXt=== :'''Jaden''': He won! In just one turn! :'''Bastion''': Not quite. Sartorious never had a turn. So he won... in zero turns. ===Episode 85 - Rah, Rah, Ra!=== :'''Jaden''': Welcome back, Chum! :'''Syrus''': If I knew you were coming, I'd have made some grilled steak! :'''Chumley''': That's okay. This isn't the time, Sy. Although, if you've got some bread and pie :'''Hassleberry''': Just check the fridge. ===Episode 86 - The Art of The Duel=== :'''Syrus''': I'm coming.... Not everyone runs fifteen miles every morning at the crack of dawn.... ===Episode 87 - Blinded By The Light (Part 1)=== :'''Jaden''': Wait, I'm confused. :'''Chazz''': Yeah, what else is new? ===Episode 88 - Blinded By The Light (Part 2)=== :'''Chazz''': I'm not perfect and I don't care! ===Episode 89 - The Darkness Within=== :'''Chazz''': Burnt fish, rotten seaweed, rancid soup, and something I can't even identify? You call this lunch? :'''Dorothy''': It's good to have you back. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jaden learns that Zane has come back to the Academy]'' :'''Jaden''': That means I can duel him now! I'm gonna get my Zane on! ===Episode 90 - Pro-Dueling=== :'''Syrus''': Jaden, we gotta chill more often. :'''Chazz''': Dude, I am so down with that plan. ===Episode 91 - Don't Fear The Reaper=== :'''Jaden''': ''[Sees the Reaper]'' Uh, hi...? :'''Reaper''': ''[Holds up scythe threateningly]'' :'''Jaden''': I think I have the wrong forest.... ===Episode 92 - Duel For Hire=== :'''Bonaparte''': Well this settles it ''[Holds two hand full of medals]'' You see these, proof that I'm superior to you in every way. :'''Crowler''': Oh please. Someone who can't even reach the elevator buttons is superior to me. :'''Bonaparte''': That was low, Crowler. :'''Crowler''': No, what's low is you. Low to the ground that is! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crowler''': Look shrimp, at least I didn't win mine from freshmen. :'''Bonaparte''': I know. That's because they beat you. Your last medal came from a 4 year old! :'''Crowler''': He was 5!! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jaden''': Hey Dr. C, hey Mr. B! So what's up with the long faces? :'''Crowler''': Who us? ...We're fine. :'''Jaden''': Wait a second... you got fired, didn't you? :''[Both Crowler and Bonaparte fall over]'' :'''Jaden''': Am I right? :'''Crowler''': WHO TOLD YOU!!!? :'''Bonaparte''': DOES ANYONE ELSE KNOW!!? :'''Syrus''': The whole school kinda knows. :''[Bonaparte and Crowler turn white]'' :'''Hassleberry''': They look like they've seen a ghost. :'''Jaden''': Correction, they look like they are ghosts. ===Episode 93 - Heart of Ice (Part 1)=== :'''Jaden''': It's time to get your game on! :'''Alexis''': No, it's time for you to get a new line. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Chazz''': That's not all! I wrote you a poem to go with it! ''[Clears throat]'' My love for you is like an Ojama! I love you more than a trip to the Bahamas! And even more than a llama loves his mama! I love you in a dress but also pajamas! And you'll always be my little Lexi-rama! :'''Atticus''': ''[Applauds]'' :'''Chazz''': You're too kind. :'''Syrus''': Uh, Chazz, I was kidding about the whole poem thing. ===Episode 94 - Heart of Ice (Part 2)=== :'''Jaden''': ''[Thinking]'' Time for Plan B! Of course, until I actually think of one, her Snow Fairy is probably a good place to start. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Alexis''': You should change your catchphrase to "Get you ''lame'' on"! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jaden''': The only time I ever throw in the towel, is laundry day! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Alexis''': ''[Awakes after the duel and to Jaden]'' We have a duel? Wait I beat you. True? Please, tell me that I did not lose. :'''Jaden''': ''[Extends a hand to Alexis for help her to up]'' You win. ===Episode 95 - Tough Love=== :'''Aster''': He doesn't want revenge. I've been talking trash for the past ten minutes, and he still won't take the bait. :'''Syrus''': Then what do you want, Zane? :'''Zane''': Meet the new me. Thanks to duels like this, your brother was reborn. :'''Syrus''': Uh, happy birthday? ===Episode 96 - It's All Relative=== :'''Crowler''': ''[Over the intercom]'' Attention slackers! Will Jaden Yuki please report to the physics lab immediately! You have a pop quiz to take. :'''Jaden''': ''[Freaking out]'' :'''Syrus''': Come on. It's not that bad. It's one teeny little test. :'''Jaden''': Just a test?! Tests are the enemy, Sy! I'll flunk out of school! ''[Hassleberry enters]'' Why are you here? :'''Hassleberry''': We heard about that pop quiz of yours. :'''Jaden''': Awesome! So what's the escape plan? :'''Syrus''': Escape plan? For one test? :'''Hassleberry''': Son, it's pop quiz time! :'''Jaden''': Can't we talk about- ''[Pushed into physics lab]'' :'''Hassleberry''': Oh, and uh, good luck! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hassleberry''': Jaden... Physics quiz. Shoot, that boy just may have to cheat. ===Episode 97 - The Dark Light=== :'''Bonaparte''': Don't you people have dorm rooms? :'''Jaden''': Yeah, but they don't have stereo surround sound. ===Episode 98 - Ultimate Destiny=== :'''Aster''': Hold on! If that's true, then why did you adopt me?! :'''The D''': It's simple. The police would never suspect a generous man like me. And it worked! Thank you, "son". ===Episode 99 - The Key Factor=== :'''Prince Ojin''': So, the mouse confronts the cat. ===Episode 100 - The Phoenix Has Landed (Part 1)=== :'''Jaden''': Hurry! Aster needs our help! :'''Sheppard''': ''[Stuck up in a tree]'' Aster?! What about me?! <hr width="50%" /> :'''Aster & Sartorius''': GAME ON! :'''Sartorius''': The first move is mine! ''[draws his turn]'' I call, Arcana Force III - The Empress! :'''Jaden''': Yikes! Be careful! :'''Sartorius''': The special abilities of my Empress are determined by the position of the card once it stops. ===Episode 101 - The Phoenix Has Landed (Part 2)=== :'''Aster''': I wouldn't be where I am if it weren't for you, so wipe off that frown! ===Episode 102 - The Hands of Justice (Part 1)=== :'''Jaden''': We're gonna do things MY way! Get your game on! :'''Sartorius''': But I don't need to duel you! You've already given me what I want! :'''Jaden''': ''[Dismayed]'' What was I thinking?! ===Episode 103 - The Hands of Justice (Part 2)=== :'''Jaden''': All right. I need a plan. Come on, Jaden, think! I've gotta deactivate his Light Barrier. :'''Sartorius''': I can hear you. You might want to think without speaking next time. ===Episode 104 - Future Changes=== :'''Hassleberry''': I'm a sucker for happy endings. :'''Jaden''': Well, what's left to say? :'''Syrus''': How about your famous catchphrase? :'''Jaden''' and '''Syrus''': GET YOUR GAME ON! :'''Hassleberry''': What game are we talkin' about? :'''Syrus''': You're ruining the mood! ==Season 3== ===Episode 105 - Third Time's a Charm=== :'''Chazz''': Let's go! And paint inside the lines! This isn't preschool! ===Episode 106 - Jewel of a Duel (Part 1)=== ===Episode 107 - Jewel of a Duel (Part 2)=== <hr width="50%"/> :'''Aster''': (thinking) Jaden, I hope you know what you're dealing with. :'''Jaden''': (thinking) I have no idea what I'm dealing with. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Syrus''': They're twins! :'''Hassleberry''': Ain't that cute. :'''Chazz''': Two Jadens?! :'''Aster''': Oh well, I guess it could be worse, right? At least Chazz doesn't have a twin. ===Episode 108 - Hanging with Axel (Part 1)=== ===Episode 109 - Hanging with Axel (Part 2)=== :'''Syrus''': He's not the only one in danger! Does anyone remember me?! I know I'm not the star, but give me a break! A little respect, people! ===Episode 110 - Primal Instinct=== :'''Jim''': That's why I covered her eyes, mate. I'm trying to minimize all the external stimuli. :'''Jaden''': This no time to start speaking Australian, Jim! :'''Jim''': Ah, yeah, let's move on then. ''[Muttering]'' No time to be speaking Australian... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jim''': Game on, mate! :''[Hassleberry growls; duel begins]'' :'''Hassleberry''': Dino-man make first move! ''[draws]'' Play Gila-saur! ''[summons "Gilasaurus" in attack mode]'' Now dino-friend go bye-bye! ''[sacrifices "Gilasaurus" to tribute summon "Dark Driceratops" in attack mode]'' :'''Syrus''': He sacrificed Gilasaurus, and used it to play Dark Driceratops! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Syrus''': Hassleberry's back to normal! :'''Jim''': Maybe, depends on your definition of normal. :'''Hassleberry''': Show some respect! Drop and give me 20! :'''Jesse''': I don't know what's worse, a guy who thinks he's a dinosaur or a guy who thinks he's an obnoxious drill sergeant. ===Episode 111 - Head in the Clouds (Part 1)=== :'''Viper''': Good day ladies. You too Miss Fontaine. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crowler''': What's wrong, is there trouble? :'''Bonaparte''': Back off, before someone drops a house on you. ===Episode 112 - Head in the Clouds (Part 2)=== ===Episode 113 - Win Mr. Stein's Duel (Part 1)=== :'''Jaden''': Hold on, so where exactly are we going, teach? :'''Stein''': ''[In monotone]'' On an exciting adventure with bone-chilling twists around every corner. :'''Jaden''': Gee, you make it sound so thrilling. ===Episode 114 - Win Mr. Stein's Duel (Part 2)=== :'''Stein''': How uncharacteristically intelligent of you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stein''': We both gave up so much for our love of dueling. But in the end I'm afraid it just wasn't enough. :'''Jaden''': ''[Blinks]'' Huh? What? Sorry, I just zoned out. :'''Stein''': You know, why do I even bother. ===Episode 115 - Trapper Keeper (Part 1)=== :'''Alexis''': Wow, that was weird. Even for this place. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Viper''': I knew Mr. Andersen had some rage buried in him. ===Episode 116 - Trapper Keeper (Part 2)=== ===Episode 117 - Snake in the Grass (Part 1)=== :'''Jaden''': ''[Thinking]'' Weird. Professor Stein said the same thing. Just not as nice. ===Episode 118 - Snake in the Grass (Part 2)=== :'''Jesse''': Now fess up, spill the beans, and you tell us what this is really all about! You got that Viper?! ===Episode 119 - Snake in the Grass (Part 3)=== :'''Viper''': ''[Laughs insanely]'' :'''Jim''': He's white crackers! ===Episode 120 - Inter-Dimensional Detention=== ===Episode 122 - Night of the Living Duelists=== :'''Syrus''': I got scared, and hid inside my favorite locker. But I'm glad you're here now... ''[Zombie voice]'' ...Very glad. Get your game on, Jaden. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hassleberry''': Got any garlic?! :'''Jim''': They're not vampires, mate! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jim''': At least the door's secure. :'''Zombie Chazz''': ''[Opens door]'' There's no escape, Jaden. ===Episode 123 - School Ghoul Duels=== :'''Jaden''': What's wrong? Who's out there? :'''Hassleberry''': Who's not out there? The whole school's slowly turning against us! ===Episode 124 - Triple Play (Part 1)=== :'''Jaden''': Think those ghouls do deliveries? :'''Hassleberry''': That's just not funny! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Chazz''': They're not for eating, they're for dueling.... ===Episode 125 - Triple Play (Part 2)=== :'''Blair''': It's the vice-chancellor! He just took off and started running! :'''Jaden''': Well ''that's'' a first. ===Episode 126 - Return of the Sacred Beasts=== :'''Zombie Chazz''': Jaaaadenn, I hope you're not in a hurry- :'''Jaden''': Snap out of it! The Sacred- :'''Zombie Chazz''': -'Cause we're gonna duel! ===Episode 127 - Breaking the Sacred Seal=== :'''Syrus''': ''[Hugs Jaden]'' Duueeeelll meeee.... ===Episode 128 - A Dimension Duel=== :'''Zombie Crowler''': I guess I'm just going to have to teach you some manners.... :'''Jaden''': You and what army?! ''[Spots zombie students]'' Oh. That army. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bastion''': Someone please come in!! :''[Duel ghouls break down the door and enter]'' :'''Bastion''': That’s not what I had in mind ===Episode 129 - Unleash the Dragon (Part 1)=== :'''Yubel''': You're so mean. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jesse''': ''[After getting the card Crystal Beast Rainbow Dragon]'' Alright! I did it! I completed the Crystal Beast Deck! ===Episode 130 - Unleash the Dragon (Part 2)=== :'''Yubel''': And you and I? We have some catching up to do. Now prepare to feel my wrath! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Yubel''': Jaden, we're finally reunited! Why are you staring at me like you don't know who I am? Look into my eyes and remember... ===Episode 131 - All For One=== :'''Marcel''': Let's just be a family again, only without the whole 'me being possessed' thing. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After portal to other dimension opens up]'' :'''Aster''': Something's happening. :'''Zane''': What gave it away, genius? ===Episode 132 - A New World Order=== :'''Bastion''': I'll stay with Tania. :'''Hassleberry''': How come, is she your girlfriend? :'''Syrus''': It's like before. She cast a love spell, right? :'''Bastion''': A love spell?! I assure you, it's nothing like that at all! ===Episode 133 - Friend or Fiend=== :'''Axel''': Alright, we move together and no unnecessary chatter :'''Syrus''': What do you mean by unnecessary chatter? :'''Axel''': Dumb questions like that :'''Syrus''': I thought there are no dumb questions <hr width="50%"/> :'''Syrus''': Not another door. ===Episode 134 - Dueling With the Dark Army=== :'''Jaden''': ''[Thinking]'' I know I said I'd stay, but Jesse needs my help! I can't risk anything happening to him, even if it means me being caught! ===Episode 135 - Turning the Page (Part 1)=== :'''Chazz''': I'm in chains, man, I can't hang any tighter! ===Episode 136 - Turning the Page (Part 2)=== ===Episode 137 - The State of Syrus=== ===Episode 138 - The Darkness is Revealed=== :'''Jim''': He wants payback and he's gonna go right to the top to get it. ===Episode 139 - A Sight Unseen (Part 1)=== :'''Supreme King''': With Dark Fusion, I combine Elemental Hero Avian and Elemental Hero Burstinatrix... to form, Evil Hero Inferno Wing! :'''Axel''': So Dark Fusion takes two good guys to make one bad guy? ===Episode 140 - A Sight Unseen (Part 2)=== :'''Supreme King''': You feel that? It's hopelessness. It's fear and panic and terror! It devoured your little friend Jaden and shattered all the good, but unlike your little friend the darkness has no use for you! ===Episode 141 - What Lies Beneath (Part 1)=== :'''Zane''': Let's get our game on. ===Episode 142 - What Lies Beneath (Part 2)=== :'''Axel and Supreme King''': GAME ON! :'''Axel''': And I go! ''[draws]'' I place one card face-down. Your move. :'''Supreme King''': A feeble start. ''[draws]'' I activate...the "Dark Fusion" spell card! And with this, your end begins! By sending fusion-material monsters in my hand to my grave, I can summon a fiend-type fusion monster. Now by fusing... Elemental Heroes Avian and Wildheart, I can call forth, Evil Hero Wild Cyclone! ''[dark fusion summons Evil Hero Wild Cyclone in attack mode]'' ===Episode 143 - What Lies Beneath (Part 3)=== :'''Aster''': I am not liking this. ===Episode 144 - The Forbidden Ritual (Part 1)=== :'''Zane''': Interesting. You've developed a soft side. :'''Aster''': Have not! ===Episode 145 - The Forbidden Ritual (Part 2)=== :'''Jaden''': You.... Adrian! How could you do that to Aster?! :'''Adrian''': Is it any worse than what you did to your friends? Heh, I don't think so. ===Episode 146 - Conquering the Past (Part 1)=== :'''Syrus''': Jaden needs to find the courage to forgive himself. ===Episode 147 - Conquering the Past (Part 2)=== :'''Yubel/Jesse''': Never you mind, Zane. A new day dawns. :'''Zane''': Does it really? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Yubel/Jesse''': Before long, the fabric of all things will be undone, then re-woven so that all dimensions will become one. The great eye will see all! Hahaha! :'''Zane''': Yeah, okay. I'd ask you to explain what that all means, but you know what? Don't even bother. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zane''': I'm not gonna leave here with regrets. My time here is limited. When it's up, I don't want to be saying "I should have". <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zane''': This duel may be the thing that sends me to the stars, but better that than to fade away while laying down. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Yubel/Jesse''': If you don't want to get burned, take cover, worm. <hr width="50%)/> :'''Zane''': You can't scare me, you know. My fate is written! ===Episode 148 - Conquering the Past (Part 3)=== :'''Zane''': I never imagined I'd see that beast in battle. I look forward to slaying it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Yubel/Jesse''': Heheheh... now that's what I call a heart attack! You go! If you can, that is. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Yubel/Jesse''': No! With that, my dragon will be... you can't! :'''Zane''': Do you wanna bet? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zane''': You see, I've dueled all over this crazy world. In all sorts of places. I've battled stadiums, and underground arenas. And you know what? Looking back, I realise I had all the glory... but I missed out on having any of the fun! So if this is the last duel I ever take part in, I can guarantee, that whether I win or lose, I'm going to enjoy every last move! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Yubel/Jesse''': You know what? I'm sorry! Sorry that in your last duel, you're not going to get any of the fun or the glory this time. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zane''': You want me to bring it on? Consider it brought! Now let's start the countdown to your demise! Go, Sonic Shriek! And there's far more where that came from! Attack! And we're not done yet! How're ya feelin'? Hit him again! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Yubel/Jesse''': So, tell me, Zane. Was that move a real heart-stopper? 'Cause you're not looking too good! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zane''': I activate... the spell Power Bond! :'''Yubel/Jesse''': What does that do!? :'''Zane''': More than you'll ever know. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zane''': A new dawn is rising! It's a shame... you won't be around to witness it, Yubel! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zane''': But I still must pay for activating my Power Bond. And it's a lot more than this old heart of mine can take... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zane''': Hey, Syrus. I'm proud of you and always will be. ===Episode 149 - The Ultimate Face-Off (Part 1)=== :'''Yubel''': So tell me, Adrian, now that you control the power of Exodia, what do you hope to do? What are your plans? Will you turn against me, will you challenge your mentor to a duel? Are you going to beat me and then call yourself powerful? :'''Adrian''': That's right. I'll destroy you and with you out of the way, I'll rule this dimension! :'''Yubel''': Just this one? Ha! You're not very ambitious, are you? ===Episode 150 - The Ultimate Face-Off (Part 2)=== ===Episode 151 - The Power Within Part 1=== :'''Yubel''': Come on, Jaden, you love dueling, you live for it! If you're too scared to duel, then you must be too scared to live! ===Episode 152 - The Power Within Part 2=== :'''Jaden''': You have to stop all this right now! Please Yubel, just listen! This is between you and me! :'''Yubel''': And Jesse. See, you hurt 'cause he hurts and that makes me feel better! ===Episode 153 - Return of the Supreme King Part 1=== :'''Jaden''': Jesse, you okay? :'''Jesse''': Couldn't be better. *shudders* Okay, I probably could be better but don't worry. I'll be fine. It takes more than a hostile spirit take-over to keep this boy down. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jaden''': It's your move, Yubel. :'''Yubel''': Very well. ''[draws]'' And by laying down this face-down, it's time. :'''Jaden''': Time for what? :'''Yubel''': Time to sacrifice the two rose tokens on my field, to summon Yubel. ''[sacrifices both rose tokens to summon herself]'' :'''Jaden''': Did you just summon yourself? :'''Yubel''': Yes, Jaden. And now, prepare to feel my fury! ===Episode 154 - Return of the Supreme King Part 2=== :'''Jaden''': As Bastion said, we're two sides of the same coin. He's a part of me, and I'm a part of him! And together we're gonna defeat you! ===Episode 155 - Return of the Supreme King Part 3=== ===Episode 156 - Judai Revived!? A Brand New Journey=== :''[After Syrus wishes on a shooting star for Jaden to come back. Star comes crashing down in the forest, and Syrus runs after it. Smoke clears revealing Jaden standing, facing away from Syrus.]'' :'''Syrus''': Jaden! :'''Jaden''': ''[Turns head around]'' Syrus, we're having fried shrimp for dinner tonight, right? ==Season 4== === Episode 157 - A Looming Threat! The Mysterious Visitor=== <hr width="100%"/> === Episode 158 - Farewell, Duel Academia! The Path Jaden Chooses=== <hr width="100%"/> === Episode 159 - The Truth Behind Darkness! Judai VS Fubuki=== <hr width="100%"/> === Episode 160 - Fusing Souls! Neos VS F.G.D. (Five God Dragon)=== <hr width="100%"/> === Episode 161 - Shall We Duel? Invitation to a Pair Duel=== <hr width="100%"/> === Episode 162 - Judai VS Asuka: Face-Down Card of Hidden Emotions=== <hr width="100%"/> === Episode 163 - Challenge from Psycho Shocker=== <hr width="100%"/> === Episode 164 - The Inherited Cyber Dark Dragon=== <hr width="100%"/> === Episode 165 - Shoot for it! Manjoume, the Path to a Pro Duelist!=== <hr width="100%"/> === Episode 166 - Armed Dragon VS Dragoon D End=== <hr width="100%"/> === Episode 167 - Gratitude Duel! Chronos VS The Original Dropout Boy=== :'''Chronos''': Now I understand, the bitterness of separating from everyone I myself as a teacher have learned many things from them. As a teacher, I must keep taking a new step. === Episode 168 - The Graduation Duel Starts! Neos VS Black Flame Dragon of Horus=== <hr width="100%"/> === Episode 169 - The Price of Decision! Darkness in the O`Brien Fire=== <hr width="100%"/> === Episode 170 - Saiou Returns! Activate the Decisive Power of Absolute Destiny!!=== <hr width="100%"/> === Episode 171 - The End of Destiny! Magma Neos VS The Dark Ruler=== <hr width="100%"/> === Episode 172 - Duel Academia Crisis! The Gem Beast Blocking the Way=== <hr width="100%"/> === Episode 173 - Darkness Invasion! Stolen Memories=== <hr width="100%"/> === Episode 174 - Activate! "Clear World" Terror of Negatei Buefuikuto=== <hr width="100%"/> === Episode 175 - Battle Royal! Judai vs. Johan vs. Fujiwara=== <hr width="100%"/> === Episode 176 - Rainbow Neos, Protector of Bonds vs. Clear Vicious Knight=== <hr width="100%"/> === Episode 177 - The Combo of Terror! Nihility and Infinity=== <hr width="100%"/> === Episode 178 - The Last Hope! Yuki Judai=== <hr width="100%"/> === Episode 179 - Farewell, Judai! A Tearful Graduation Ceremony=== <hr width="100%"/> === Episode 180 - The True Graduation Duel ! Judai VS Legendary Duelist=== :''[Judai's final lines in the anime]'' :'''Judai''': ''[Thinking]'' Thank you, Yugi-sama, for everything. Gotcha! ==Dialogue/Misc Quotes== :'''Jaden''': ''[Used when beginning a duel; also used during the series' opening theme]'' Get your game on! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jaden''': ''[After winning a duel (Eng. dub)]'' That's game! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jaden''': ''[After winning a duel (Jap. dub)]'' Gotcha! ==External links== {{Wikipedia}} [[Category:Anime and manga series]] [[Category:Television programs based on comics]] [[Category:Japanese TV shows]] [[Category:Television spin-offs]] [[Category:Cancelled shows]] o3go3msymc9lv6ei00f4q0bg2imwgyv 4 91499 3153077 3152884 2022-08-10T01:17:29Z Eaglestorm 16205 /* Eaglestorm */ wikitext text/x-wiki This page is for editors who would like to work on articles in danger of [[Wikiquote:Copyrights|copyright]] violation. To avoid duplication of effort, editors should list the articles they are planning to work on. Each time an article is cleaned up, its completion can be marked on this page. Please use [[Wikiquote:Limits on quotations]] as a reference to how long pages should be. [[:Category:Pages which need their copyright status checked|Here is the list]] of pages that have been marked for likely copyright problems. The project began in the week of September 7, 2008: == '''[[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]]'''== [[Dane Cook]] (completed); [[Steven Wright]] (completed); [[Bill Hicks]] (completed); [[Lewis Black]] (completed); [[Les Misérables (musical)]] (completed); [[Team America: World Police]] (completed); [[Chappelle's Show]] (completed); [[Orson Scott Card]] (completed); [[Malcolm in the Middle]] (completed); [[That '70s Show]] (completed); [[Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End]] (completed); [[Deadwood (TV series)]] (completed); [[A Few Good Men]] (completed); [[The Big Lebowski]] (completed); [[Chess (musical)]] (completed); [[Bill Cosby: Himself]] (completed); [[Arrested Development (TV series)]] (completed); [[Boy Meets World]] (completed); [[Back to the Future]] (completed); [[Withnail and I]] (completed); [[The Catcher in the Rye]] (completed); [[Queer as Folk (North American TV series)]] (completed); [[Goodfellas]] (completed); [[Friends (TV series)]] (completed); [[Sleepy Hollow (film)]] (completed); [[Roswell (TV series)]] (completed); [[Dogma (film)]] (completed); [[The Magnificent Ambersons (film)]] (completed); [[JFK (film)]] (completed); [[Saving Private Ryan]] (completed); [[From Hell (film)]] (completed); [[The Queen (film)]] (completed); [[Red Dwarf]] (completed); [[Back to the Future Part III]] (completed); [[The Princess Bride (film)]] (completed); [[Metropolitan (film)]] (completed); [[Ferris Bueller's Day Off]] (completed); [[Enter the Dragon]] (completed); [[The Color Purple (film)]] (completed); [[The Blue Lagoon]] (completed); [[Tombstone]] (completed); [[The Brothers Grimm (film)]] (completed); [[Crash of the Titans]] (completed); [[High School Musical 2]] (completed); [[Back to the Future Part II]] (completed); [[The Mighty Boosh]] (completed); [[Boston Public]] (completed); [[I, Claudius (TV series)]] (completed); [[The Nightmare Before Christmas]] (completed); [[Lee Evans (comedian)]] (completed); [[Entourage (TV series)]] (completed); [[Cheaper by the Dozen (2003 film)]] (completed); [[The O.C.]] (completed); [[Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest]] (completed); [[Home Alone (film)]] (completed); [[Frasier]] (completed); [[Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (film)]] (completed); [[Night at the Museum]] (completed); [[Toy Story]] (completed); [[The Little Shop of Horrors]] (completed); [[Almost Famous]] (completed); [[Gladiator (2000 film)]] (completed); [[Troy (film)]] (completed); [[Dude, Where's My Car?]] (completed); [[Edward Scissorhands]] (completed); [[Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl]] (completed); [[Nicholas and Alexandra]] (completed); [[Reefer Madness]] (completed); [[Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Are Dead (film)]] (completed); [[Ugly Betty]] (completed); [[This Is Spinal Tap]] (completed); [[Beetlejuice]] (completed); [[Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure]] (completed); [[Quiz Show]] (completed); [[Plan 9 from Outer Space]] (completed); [[Written on the Wind]] (completed); [[Rebel Without a Cause]] (completed); [[Rebecca (film)]] (completed); [[Close Encounters of the Third Kind]] (completed); [[One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest (film)]] (completed); [[Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back]] (completed); [[Repo Man]] (completed); [[To Kill a Mockingbird (film)]] (completed); [[The Lady Eve]] (completed); [[Bones (TV series)]] (completed); [[The Cable Guy]] (completed); [[The Lost Weekend (film)]] (completed); [[Clerks (film)]] (completed); [[The Hustler (film)]] (completed); [[Twelve Monkeys]] (completed); [[Titanic (1997 film)]] (completed); [[Liar Liar]] (completed); [[Harold and Maude]] (completed); [[Dead Poets Society]] (completed); [[A Streetcar Named Desire (1951 film)]] (completed); [[Cat on a Hot Tin Roof (film)]] (completed); [[Zoolander]] (completed); [[Taryn Manning]] (completed); [[Clueless (film)]] (completed); [[Grease (film)]] (completed); [[Interview with the Vampire: The Vampire Chronicles]] (completed); [[The Devil Wears Prada (film)]] (completed); [[Glory (film)]] (completed); [[Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas]] (completed); [[Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events]] (completed); [[Grand Theft Auto: Liberty City Stories]] (completed); [[Grand Theft Auto: Vice City]] (completed); [[Grand Theft Auto: Vice City Stories]] (completed); [[Grand Theft Auto III]] (completed); [[Big Trouble in Little China]] (completed); [[Zero Punctuation]] (completed); [[Magnolia (film)]] (completed); [[Meet the Parents]] (completed); [[Starship Troopers (film)]] (completed); [[The Suite Life of Zack & Cody]] (completed); [[Six Feet Under]] (completed); [[Boudica (film)]] (completed); [[The Crow (1994 film)]] (completed); [[Galaxy Quest]] (completed); [[Men in Black (film)]] (completed); [[Clerks II]] (completed); [[Laura (1944 film)]] (completed); [[Command & Conquer: Red Alert 2]] (completed); [[Command & Conquer: Red Alert 3]] (completed); [[Command & Conquer]] (completed); [[Dave Chappelle]] (completed); [[Will & Grace]] (completed) =='''[[User:UDScott|UDScott]]'''== Completed:<br>''[[The West Wing]]''; ''[[Alias (TV series)|Alias]]''; ''[[Buffy the Vampire Slayer/Season 2]]''; ''[[Buffy the Vampire Slayer/Season 3]]''; ''[[Buffy the Vampire Slayer/Season 4]]''; ''[[ Buffy the Vampire Slayer/Season 5]]''; ''[[ Buffy the Vampire Slayer/Season 6‎]]''; ''[[Buffy the Vampire Slayer/Season 7]]''; ''[[It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia]]''; ''[[Apollo 13]]''; ''[[NewsRadio]]''; ''[[Three Days of the Condor]]''; ''[[It's a Wonderful Life]]''; ''[[Donnie Darko]]''; ''[[Stripes (film)]]''; ''[[Cool Hand Luke]]''; ''[[Joe Versus the Volcano]]''; ''[[Fast Times at Ridgemont High]]''; ''[[National Lampoon's Animal House]]''; ''[[Caddyshack]]''; ''[[Meatballs (film)]]''; ''[[Breaking Away]]''; ''[[American Pie (film)]]''; ''[[Bull Durham]]''; ''[[The Blues Brothers]]''; ''[[The Sting]]''; ''[[Kicking and Screaming]]''; ''[[Shakespeare in Love]]''; ''[[Primal Fear (film)]]''; ''[[Risky Business]]''; ''[[Blue Velvet]]''; ''[[North by Northwest]]''; ''[[Shadow of a Doubt]]''; ''[[Strangers on a Train (film)]]''; ''[[Rear Window]]''; ''[[Silver Streak (1976 film)]]''; ''[[Love Actually]]''; ''[[Mr. Smith Goes to Washington]]''; ''[[Jaws (film)]]''; ''[[Swingers (1996 film)]]''; ''[[Pulp Fiction]]''; ''[[The Last Picture Show]]''; ''[[10 Things I Hate About You]]''; ''[[The Big Bang Theory]]''; ''[[Glengarry Glen Ross (film)]]''; ''[[Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb]]''; ''[[Full Metal Jacket]]''; ''[[Lawrence of Arabia (film)]]''; ''[[West Side Story]]''; ''[[Dirty Dancing]]''; ''[[Aliens (1986 film)]]''; ''[[Alien (film)]]''; ''[[Gilmore Girls/Season 1]]''; ''[[Sunset Boulevard (1950 film)]]''; ''[[The Philadelphia Story]]''; ''[[The Shawshank Redemption]]''; ''[[Psycho (1960 film)]]''; ''[[No Country for Old Men (film)]]''; ''[[Cheers (TV series)]]''; ''[[How the Grinch Stole Christmas! (TV special)]]''; ''[[Hard Candy (film)]]''; ''[[Sixteen Candles]]''; ''[[Dazed and Confused]]''; ''[[The Godfather]]''; ''[[Reservoir Dogs]]''; ''[[Sneakers (film)]]''; ''[[O Brother, Where Art Thou?]]''; ''[[Jurassic Park (film)]]''; ''[[Independence Day (film)]]''; ''[[An American Werewolf in London]]''; ''[[Army of Darkness]]''; ''[[A Nightmare on Elm Street (film)]]''; ''[[The Day the Earth Stood Still (1951 film)]]''; ''[[Real Genius]]''; ''[[Gone with the Wind]]''; ''[[Ghostbusters]]''; ''[[On Her Majesty's Secret Service (film)]]''; ''[[The Untouchables]]''; ''[[The Usual Suspects]]''; ''[[When Harry Met Sally...]]''; ''[[Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory]]''; ''[[Halloween (film)]]''; ''[[American Graffiti]]''; ''[[All the King's Men (1949 film)]]''; ''[[Platoon]]''; ''[[Forrest Gump]]''; ''[[National Treasure (film)]]''; ''[[300 (film)]]''; ''[[My Cousin Vinny]]''; ''[[Léon]]''; ''[[Jerry Maguire]]''; ''[[The Sound of Music]]''; ''[[Dawson's Creek]]''; ''[[Braveheart]]''; ''[[A Fish Called Wanda]]''; ''[[Good Will Hunting]]''; ''[[The Omen]]''; ''[[Smokey and the Bandit]]''; ''[[The Other Boleyn Girl (film)]]''; ''[[Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan|Borat]]''; ''[[Heathers]]''; ''[[Office Space]]''; ''[[Pleasantville]]''; ''[[The American President]]''; ''[[American Psycho (film)]]''; ''[[The Godfather Part II]]''; ''[[The Wonder Years]]''; ''[[Kiss Kiss Bang Bang]]''; ''[[Road House]]''; ''[[Deliverance]]''; ''[[Die Hard (film)]]''; ''[[Groundhog Day (film)]]''; ''[[An American in Paris]]''; ''[[The Sandlot]]''; ''[[The Third Man]]''; ''[[Happy Gilmore]]''; ''[[The Three Musketeers (1993 film)]]'', ''[[Father of the Bride (1991 film)]]''; ''[[Blazing Saddles]]''; ''[[Dollhouse (TV series)|Dollhouse]]''; ''[[Wall Street]]''; ''[[Juno (film)|Juno]]''; ''[[Field of Dreams]]''; ''[[Grey's Anatomy]]''; ''[[Torchwood]]'' == '''[[User:Antiquary|Antiquary]]'''== ''[[The Fellowship of the Ring]]'' (completed); ''[[The Two Towers]]'' (completed); ''[[The Return of the King]]'' (completed); ''[[The Hobbit]]'' (completed); ''[[Green Wing Special]]'' (completed); ''[[Green Wing (series 1)|Green Wing]]'' [[Green Wing (series 1)|(series 1)]] (completed); ''[[Green Wing (series 2)|Green Wing]]'' [[Green Wing (series 2)|(series 2)]] (completed); ''[[The Wizard of Oz]]'' (completed); [[Seventh Doctor]] (completed); ''[[3rd Rock from the Sun]]'' (completed); [[J. R. R. Tolkien]] (completed); ''[[The Office]]'' (completed); ''[[Buffy the Vampire Slayer/Season 1]]'' (completed); ''[[The Collapse of the Third Republic]]'' (completed); ''[[The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (film)|The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy]]'' [[The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (film)|(film)]] (completed); ''[[Robin Hood (2006 TV series)|Robin Hood]]'' [[Robin Hood (2006 TV series)|(2006 TV series)]] (completed); ''[[QI]]'' (completed); ''[[Blackadder]]'' (completed); ''[[Star Trek: The Original Series]]'' (completed); ''[[Annie Hall]]'' (completed); ''[[The Road to Wigan Pier]]'' (completed); ''[[Seinfeld]]'' (completed); ''[[Nineteen Eighty-Four]]'' (completed); [[George Orwell]] (completed); ''[[Fawlty Towers]]'' (completed); ''[[Absolutely Fabulous]]'' (completed); ''[[Goldfinger (film)|Goldfinger]]'' [[Goldfinger (film)|(film)]] (completed); ''[[The Doors of Perception]]'' (completed); ''[[The Big Sleep (1946 film)|The Big Sleep]]'' [[The Big Sleep (1946 film)|(1946 film)]] (completed); ''[[Beyond the Fringe]]'' (completed); ''[[The Maltese Falcon (1941 film)|The Maltese Falcon]]'' [[The Maltese Falcon (1941 film)|(1941 film)]] (completed); ''[[Life of Brian]]'' (completed); ''[[Raiders of the Lost Ark]]'' (completed); ''[[Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade]]'' (completed); [[James Bond (film series)]] (completed); ''[[Animal Crackers (film)|Animal Crackers]]'' [[Animal Crackers (film)|(film)]] (completed); ''[[The Graduate|The Graduate]]'' (completed); ''[[Duck Soup|Duck Soup]]'' (completed); ''[[Monty Python and the Holy Grail]]'' (completed); ''[[Dr. No (film)|Dr. No]]'' [[Dr. No (film)|(film)]] (completed); [[Eddie Izzard]] (completed); ''[[Thunderball (film)|Thunderball]]'' [[Thunderball (film)|(film)]] (completed); ''[[Young Frankenstein]]'' (completed); ''[[You Only Live Twice (film)|You Only Live Twice]]'' [[You Only Live Twice (film)|(film)]] (completed); ''[[Airplane!]]'' (completed); ''[[The IT Crowd]]'' (completed); ''[[Black Books]]'' (completed); ''[[The Meaning of Life]]'' (completed); [[Fifth Doctor]] (completed); [[The Beatles]] (completed); ''[[Casablanca (film)|Casablanca]]'' [[Casablanca (film)|(film)]] (completed); [[Eighth Doctor]] (completed); ''[[Lawrence of Arabia (film)|Lawrence of Arabia]]'' [[Lawrence of Arabia (film)|(film)]] (completed); [[Third Doctor]] (completed); ''[[The Thin Blue Line (TV series)|The Thin Blue Line]]'' [[The Thin Blue Line (TV series)|(TV series)]] (completed); [[Sixth Doctor]] (completed); ''[[Ben-Hur (1959 film)|Ben-Hur]]'' [[Ben-Hur (1959 film)|(1959 film)]] (completed); ''[[Singin' in the Rain]]'' (completed); ''[[Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid]]'' (completed); [[Robin Williams]] (completed); ''[[Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs]]'' (completed); ''[[The Producers (1968 film)|The Producers]]'' [[The Producers (1968 film)|(1968 film)]] (completed); ''[[M*A*S*H (TV series)|M*A*S*H]]'' [[M*A*S*H (TV series)|(TV series)]] (completed); [[First Doctor]] (completed); ''[[The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy]]'' (completed); ''[[The Bridge on the River Kwai]]'' (completed); ''[[The Man with Two Brains]]'' (completed); ''[[The Simpsons Movie]]'' (completed); ''[[King Arthur (film)|King Arthur]]'' [[King Arthur (film)|(film)]] (completed); ''[[A Hard Day's Night (film)|A Hard Day's Night]]'' [[A Hard Day's Night (film)|(film)]] (completed); ''[[The Four Quartets]]'' (completed); ''[[Four Weddings And A Funeral]]'' (completed); ''[[Nebulous]]'' (completed); ''[[The Simpsons]]'' (completed). == '''[[User:Sceptre|Sceptre]]'''== [[Fourth Doctor]]; [[Ninth Doctor]]; [[Tenth Doctor]]. [[Category:Wikiquote maintenance|Wikiquote:Copyright Cleanup Project]] == '''[[User:Jc-S0CO|Jc-S0CO]]'''== [[The Mist (film)]] (completed); [[The Boondock Saints]] (completed); [[Midnight Run]] (completed); [[L.A. Confidential]] (completed); [[28 Days Later]] (completed); [[The Thing]] (completed); [[Crash (2004 film)]] (completed); [[Red vs. Blue]]; [[Firefly (TV series)]]; == '''[[User:EVula|EVula]]'''== Completed: [[Jeff Dunham]]; [[V for Vendetta (film)]]; [[The Nostalgia Critic]]; [[Star Trek: Borg]]; [[Spider-Man 2: Enter Electro]]; [[Marvel: Ultimate Alliance]]; [[The Proposal (film)]] == '''[[User:DooMDrat|DooMDrat]]'''== [[Red vs. Blue]] == '''[[user:Ningauble|Ningauble]]'''== [[Charles A. Kupchan]] (completed); [[Double Indemnity]] (completed); [[2001: A Space Odyssey]] (completed); [[Childhood's End]] (completed); [[The Last of the Masters]] (completed); [[Command & Conquer 3: Tiberium Wars]] (completed); [[Yellow Submarine]] (completed); [[The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe]] (completed); [[The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian]] (completed); [[Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen]] (completed) == '''[[User:Jeffq|Jeff Q]]''' == [[Twin Peaks]] (completed); [[Babylon 5]] == '''[[User:Sketchmoose|Sketchmoose]]'''== [[Futurama]] (completed); [[30 Rock]] (completed); [[Psych (TV series)]] (completed); [[Scrubs (TV series)]] (completed); [[The Office (US)]] (completed); [[The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (film)]] (completed); [[The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (film)]] (completed); [[The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (film)]] (completed); [[Pushing Daisies]] (completed); [[Sports Night]] (completed); [[Burn Notice (TV series)]] (completed); [[Coupling (TV series)]] (completed); [[Wonderfalls]] (completed); [[Monk (TV series)]] (completed); [[RiffTrax]] (completed); [[The Nanny]] (completed); [[Memento]] (completed); [[Best in Show]] (completed); [[Bringing Up Baby]] (completed); [[The African Queen]] (completed); [[The 39 Steps (1935 film)]] (completed); [[Chuck (TV series)]] (completed); [[Clue (film)]] (completed); [[The Prestige]] (completed); [[My Name Is Earl]] (completed); [[Community (TV series)]] (completed); [[Serenity (film)]] (completed); [[Better Off Ted]] (completed) =='''[[User:KyrieEleison|KyrieEleison]]'''== [[Carmen Sandiego]] (completed) =='''[[User:Eaglestorm|Eaglestorm]]'''== Completed Projects: ''[[Top Gun]], [[Robotech]], [[How I Met Your Mother]], [[Gattaca]], [[Battlestar Galactica (2003)]], [[Cool Runnings]], [[Down Periscope]], [[Mean Machine]], [[Armageddon (film)|Armageddon]], [[The Italian Job (2003 film)]], [[Air Force One]], [[Transformers (film)|Transformers]], [[The Transformers: The Movie]], [[The Rock (film)|The Rock]], [[Enemy of the State]], [[Black Hawk Down]], [[Coming to America]], [[Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country]], [[Batman: The Animated Series]], [[The Wedding Singer]], [[Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home]], [[Star Trek: First Contact]], [[Evolution (film)|Evolution]], [[Bruce Almighty]], [[Die Hard 2: Die Harder|Die Hard 2]], [[Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace]], [[Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones]], [[Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith]], [[Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope]], [[Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back]], [[Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi]], [[T2]], [[True Lies]], [[T3]], [[A Knight's Tale]], [[Call of Duty 4]], [[Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2|Modern Warfare 2]], [[Star Trek (2009 film)|Star Trek]], [[Sione's Wedding]], [[The Replacements]], [[Iron Man (film)|Iron Man]], [[Cars (film)|Cars]], [[Toy Story 2]], [[An Officer and a Gentleman]], [[Ace Combat]], [[Remember the Titans]], [[The Simpsons/Season 3|Simpsons S3]], [[Thirteen Days (film)|13 Days]], [[Call of Duty: Black Ops]] [[The Simpsons/Season 4|Simpsons S4]], Simpsons S1, S5 and S6, [[Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time (film)|Prince of Persia]] [[Call of Duty: World at War]], [[Battle Royale]], [[Shin Megami Tensei: Persona 4]], [[Enemy at the Gates]], [[Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3]], [[Toy Story 3]], [[Grand Theft Auto: Vice City|GTA: Vice City]], [[Inglourious Basterds]], [[Full Metal Jacket]], [[Bully]], [[Red Dawn]], [[Gears of War]] and [[Gears of War 2|2]], [[Crimson Tide]], [[Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic|Star Wars: KOTOR]], [[Total Recall]], [[Mass Effect]], [[XXx]], [[Ghostbusters]] I and [[Ghostbusters II|II]], [[Titan AE]], [[National Treasure (film)|National Treasure]], [[Brothers in Arms: Road to Hill 30]], [[Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl|Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl]], [[Casualties of War]], [[Ratatouille]], [[The Terminator]], [[A Few Good Men]] (retrim), [[The Day After Tomorrow]], [[The Hunger Games (film)|Hunger Games]], [[Valkyrie (film)|Valkyrie]], [[Home Alone (film)|Home Alone]], [[The Dark Knight]], [[28 Days Later]] (retrim), [[WarGames]], [[Broken Arrow]], [[28 Weeks Later]], [[You Only Live Twice (film)|You Only Live Twice]], [[Diamonds Are Forever]], [[Batman:_The_Animated_Series#Season_One|Batman TAS 1]], [[Not Another Teen Movie]], [[The Waterboy]], [[The Incredible Hulk]], [[Captain America: The First Avenger]], [[Thor (film)|Thor]], [[The Running Man (film)|Running Man]], [[Fast Five]], [[Batman (1989 film)|Batman]], [[Capricorn One]],[[Batman Begins]], [[Ace Ventura: Pet Detective]], [[Metal Gear]], [[X-Men:_First_Class]], [[Pearl Harbor (film)|Pearl Harbor]], [[Rocky IV]], [[Star Trek Into Darkness]], [[2012 (film)|2012]], [[The Longest Day]], [[Contact (film)|Contact]], [[First Blood]], [[Rambo: First Blood Part II]], [[Rambo III]], [[Rambo (2008 film)|Rambo]], [[Bad Boys II]], [[Batman Returns]], [[Batman Forever]], [[Tropic Thunder]], [[Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.|Agents of SHIELD]], [[Volcano (film)|Volcano]], [[Iron Man 2]] (retrim 6/11/2020) and [[Iron Man 3|3]], [[Grand Theft Auto V|GTA V]], [[Outbreak]], [[The Wolverine]], [[Tomorrow Never Dies]], [[X-Men: Days of Future Past]], [[Final Destination 2]], [[Captain America: The Winter Soldier]], [[October Sky]],[[X2: X-Men United]],[[X-Men (film)|X-Men]], [[Star Wars: The Force Awakens]],[[Demolition Man (film)|Demolition Man]], [[Click (2006 film)|Click]], [[Rush Hour]] and [[Rush Hour 2]], [[The Longest Yard (2005 film)|The Longest Yard (2005)]], [[Captain America: Civil War]] (retrim5/24/18), [[Furious 7]], [[X-Men: Apocalypse]],[[Ali (film)|Ali]], [[Home Alone 2: Lost in New York|Home Alone 2]], [[Wayne's World]], [[Bowfinger]], [[Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls]], [[Chrono Trigger]], [[Patton (film)|Patton]], [[Rocky (film)|Rocky]], [[Predator (film)|Predator]], [[Rocky V]], [[Rocky Balboa (film)|Rocky Balboa]], [[Spider-Man: Homecoming]] (retrim), [[Ant-Man (film)|AntMan]], [[Avengers: Endgame]], [[The Fate of the Furious]], [[The Last Samurai]], [[End of Days (film)|End of Days]], [[The Sum of All Fears]], [[Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker]], [[Blood Diamond]], [[Entrapment]], [[Downfall (2004 film)|Downfall/Der Untergang]], [[Sgt. Bilko]], [[Bicentennial Man (film)|Bicentennial Man]], [[Star Wars: The Last Jedi]], [[Predator 2]], [[Ice Age: Collision Course]], [[Hobbs & Shaw]], [[In the Line of Fire]], [[Men of Honor]], [[The Pursuit of Happyness]], [[The Last Castle]], [[The Hunt for Red October (film)|Hunt for Red October]], [[Cars 2]], [[Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice]], [[Behind Enemy Lines]], [[Cobra Kai]], [[Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle]], [[Romy and Michele's High School Reunion]], [[No Time To Die|No Time to Die]], [[Top Gun: Maverick|Top Gun Maverick]], [[Escape from L.A.|Escape from LA]], [[Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings (2021 film)|Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings]], [[Escape from New York]], [[GoldenEye]], [[Fantastic Four (2005 film)|Fantastic Four]], [[The Expendables]], [[2 Fast 2 Furious]], [[F9 (film)|F9]], [[Fast & Furious 6|F6]], [[Wayne's World 2]], [[The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift]], [[The World Is Not Enough|TWINE]], [[Bad Boys for Life]], [[Live and Let Die (film)|Live and Let Die]], [[Die Another Day]],[[A Bridge Too Far (film)|A Bridge Too Far]]'' </br> Upcoming Work/Work In Progress: ''[[Rocky_(film_series)|Rocky]] (II, III), all MCU films aside from those completed above'' =='''[[User:Jennavecia|Jennavecia]]'''== ''[[Aladdin (film)]]'' (completed); ''[[Family Guy]]'' (completed), ''[[Family Guy/Season 1]]'' (completed) =='''[[User:Peace and Passion|Peace and Passion]]'''== ''[[Batman & Robin (1997 film)]]'' (completed); ''[[The Matrix]]'' (completed); ''[[The Matrix Reloaded]]'' (completed); ''[[The Matrix Revolutions]]'' (completed ); ''[[The Animatrix]]'' (completed); ''[[Star Trek: The Motion Picture]]'' (completed); ''[[Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan]]'' (completed); ''[[Star Trek Generations]]'' (completed); ''[[James and the Giant Peach]]'' (completed); [[Eminem]] (completed) To do: [[Star Trek III: The Search for Spock]], [[Star Trek V: The Final Frontier]], [[Star Trek: Insurrection]], [[Star Trek Nemesis]], =='''[[User:Sjones23|Sjones23]]'''== Completed: [[Dragon Ball Z: Bardock - The Father of Goku]] =='''[[User:Nadanon|Nadanon]]'''== To Do: ''[[Shake it Up!]]''; ''[[Everybody Loves Raymond]]'' =='''[[User:ProfessorTofty|ProfessorTofty]]'''== ''[[Final Fantasy XIII]]'' (completed, also heavily copyedited for spelling, formatting and grammar) =='''[[User:spawn777|spawn777]]'''== Progress: ''[[BASEketball]]'' (completed); ''[[Bad_Day_At_Black_Rock]]'' (completed); ''[[Beerfest]]'' (completed); ''[[Who_Framed_Roger_Rabbit]]'' (completed); ''[[Wrath_of_the_Titans]]'' (completed); To Do: ''[[Wallace_&_Gromit_in_The_Curse_of_the_Were-Rabbit]]''; ''[[Die_Hard:_With_a_Vengeance]]''; ''[[Die_Hard:_With_a_Vengeance]]''; ''[[Despicable_Me]]''; ''[[Despicable_Me_2]]''; ''[[Dickie_Roberts:_Former_Child_Star]]''; ''[[Dirty_Harry]]''; ''[[Dracula:_Dead_and_Loving_It]]''; ''[[Dumb_and_Dumber]]''; ''[[Enchanted]]''; =='''[[User:Miszatomic|Miszatomic]]'''== [[Friends (TV series)]], [[Everybody Loves Raymond]] [[Gears of War 2]] (completed); [[Kingdom Hearts: Chain of Memories]] (completed); [[Grand Theft Auto: Vice City]] (completed); [[Nier]] (completed); [[God of War: Chains of Olympus]] (completed) [[Saints Row]] (completed); [[The Simpsons Hit & Run]] (completed); [[Arcanum]] (completed); [[Killer7]] (completed); [[Brothers in Arms: Road to Hill 30]] (completed); [[Pac-Man World 3]] (completed); [[Zelda: The Wand of Gamelon]] (completed) [[Secret of Mana]] (completed); [[Resident Evil 5]] (completed); [[Grand Theft Auto III]] (completed); [[The Punisher (2005 Video Game)]] (completed); [[Pokémon]] (completed); [[Final Fantasy]] (completed); [[Doom 3]] (completed); [[Sly Cooper: Thieves in Time]] (completed); [[Ben 10 First Season]] (completed); [[Ben 10 Second Season]] (completed); [[Ben 10 Third Season]] (completed); [[Bowser]] (completed); [[Hiccups]] (completed); [[Assassin's Creed II]] (completed); [[Far Cry 2]] (completed); [[The Ultimate Enemy]]; [[American Dad!/Season 7]]; [[American Dad!/Season 8]], [[Resident Evil (Video Game)]] (completed); [[Dark Sector]] (completed); [[Thief (series)]] (completed) [[Rayman]] (completed), [[Winnie the Pooh and the Blustery Day]] (completed); [[Winnie the Pooh and the Honey Tree]] (completed); [[Grand Theft Auto IV]] (completed); [[Broken Sword]] (completed); [[Trauma Team]]; (completed); [[Suikoden III]] (completed) [[Sonic the Hedgehog]] [[Sealab 2021]] (completed); [[Punch-Out!!]] (completed); [[Prototype (video game)]] (completed); [[Deus Ex: Invisible War]] (completed); [[Deus Ex]] [[God of War (video game)]] (completed); [[Infamous]] (completed); [[Blood (video game)]] (completed); [[Dead Like Me]] [[Alpha Protocol]] (completed) [[Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion]] (completed); [[God of War II]] (completed) [[God of War III]] (completed); [[Drakengard]] (completed); [[ It Ain't Half Hot Mum]] (completed); [[The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker]] (completed); [[Shadow Hearts: From the New World]] (completed); [[Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic]] (completed); [[Game of Thrones (TV series)]] (completed); [[JONAS]] (completed); [[American Dad!/Season 6]] (completed); [[Brother Bear]] (completed); [[Wolverine and the X-men]] (completed); [[Wolverine and the X-men]] (completed) [[True Blood (TV series)]] (completed); [[Friends (TV series)]] (completed); [[Command & Conquer]] (completed); [[Open Season (video game)]] [[Spyro: Year of the Dragon]] (completed); [[Static Shock]] (completed); [[Peanuts]] [[Transformers: Animated]] [[Sonic the Hedgehog cartoons]] (completed); [[Marvel Nemesis: Rise of the Imperfects]] (completed); [[Sonic X]] (completed); [[Diablo]] [[The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess]] [[Open Season (video game)]] (completed); [[ICarly (season 1)]] (completed) [[ICarly (season 2)]] [[ICarly (season 3)]] [[ICarly (season 4)]] (completed), [[Biker Mice From Mars]] (completed); [[American Dad!/Season 5]] (completed); [[Code Monkeys]] (completed); [[Jimmy Two-Shoes]] (completed); [[Jonny Quest (TV series)]] (completed); [[Shake It Up]] [[Lexx]] [[The Grim Adventures of Billy & Mandy (video game)]] [[Goodness Gracious Me (TV & radio)]], [[South Park]] (completed); [[South Park/Season 2]] [[Clone High]] (completed); [[James Bond 007: Blood Stone]] [[Aqua Unit Patrol Squad 1]] [[Ghostbusters: The Video Game]] [[Squidbillies]] (completed) [[The Hills (TV series)]] (completed); =='''[[User:GeorgeBarnick|GeorgeBarnick]]'''== Completed: ''[[The Lego Movie]]'' =='''[[User:anseljh|anseljh]]'''== To Do: ''[[Blade_Runner|Blade Runner]]'' == '''[[User:Toadboy123|Toadboy123]]'''== Completed: [[Zhu Rongji]] == '''[[User:Mdd|Mdd]]''' == Completed, see also [[Wikiquote talk:Copyright Cleanup Project#Works of Søren Kierkegaard]]: * ''[[Concluding Unscientific Postscript to Philosophical Fragments]]'' ; ''[[Stages on Life's Way]]'' ; ''[[The Concept of Anxiety]]'' ; ''[[The Sickness Unto Death]]'' ; ''[[Fear and Trembling]]'' ; ''[[Repetition (Kierkegaard)]]'' ; ''[[Philosophical Fragments]]'' ; ''[[Prefaces]]'' ; ''[[Three Discourses on Imagined Occasions]]'' ; ''[[Upbuilding Discourses in Various Spirits]]'' : ''[[Works of Love (Kierkegaard)]]'' * [[Joseph Beuys]] ; [[Malala Yousafzai]] == '''[[User:Just A Regular New Yorker|J.A.R.N.Y]]''' == To do; [[Top Gear]]. q73jbgz2688fw3ow3xvaend1yaatpyh 0 97765 3153015 3076305 2022-08-09T22:18:04Z StephenMacky1 3078542 Corrections. wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:G Delchev.jpg|thumb|Let us not allow the splits and splintering to [[frighten]] us.]] '''[[w:Goce Delčev|Georgi Nikolov Delčev]]''' ([[w:Macedonian Language|Macedonian]]/[[w:Bulgarian language|Bulgarian]]: Ѓорѓи/Георги Николов Делчев) ([[w:23 January|23 January]] [[w:1872|1872]] – [[w:4 May|4 May]] [[w:1903|1903]]), known as '''Gotse Delchev''' or '''Goce Delčev''', was a significant Macedonian Bulgarian revolutionary in [[w:Macedonia (region)|Macedonia]] and [[w:Thrace|Thrace]]. {{political-stub}} == Quotes == * I understand the [[world]] solely as a field for cultural competition among the peoples. ** Quoted in [[w:Peyo Yavorov|Peyo Yavorov]], ''Complete Works,'' vol. 2 (Sofia, 1977), p. 13 * '''Let us not allow the splits and splintering to frighten us.''' It is, indeed, a pity, but what can we do, since we are all Bulgarians and all suffer from one common disease. If this disease had not been present in our ancestors, from whom we inherited it, they would have never fallen under the sceptre of the Turkish Sultan... ** Letter to Nikola Maleševski (1 May 1899) ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{wikisource author}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Delcev, Gotse}} [[Category:People from Bulgaria]] [[Category:Revolutionaries]] [[Category:Educators]] [[Category:1872 births]] [[Category:1903 deaths]] 5o329m1bbkl2igkw12gcwsyn6tfjf60 10 100914 3152909 3152853 2022-08-09T12:59:03Z Toadboy123 3070320 wikitext text/x-wiki <div style="background-color: #faf9b2; border: 2px solid #faf9b2; border-bottom: none; padding-top: 0.3em; padding-bottom: 0.3em; font-size: large; text-align:center;"> '''[[Special:NewPages|New pages]]''' </div> [[File:MJK32706_Olga_Tokarczuk_(Pokot,_Berlinale_2017).jpg|thumb|New in Wikiquote: [[Olga Tokarczuk]]]] <div style="background: #ffffec; border: 2px solid #faf9b2; border-top: none; padding: 0.6em; padding-top: none;"> <!-- NOTE BEFORE ADDING: Total of fourteen (14) only, in chronological order: add to top, remove from bottom --> :[[Olga Tokarczuk]] :[[Alexander Lebed]] :[[Eli S. Ricker]] :[[Sergei Korolev]] :[[Aslan Maskhadov]] :[[Andrew Fox (author)|Andrew Fox]] :[[Mila Kunis]] :[[Tigran Keosayan]] :[[Merlin Sheldrake]] :[[Vasily Sokolovsky]] :[[Mick Wallace]] :[[Leonid Kuchma]] :[[Leonid Kravchuk]] :[[Junichiro Koizumi]] {{break}} <div style="text-align:center;" class="plainlinks">A partial listing of some [[Special:NewPages|new pages]] ([http://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Template:New_pages&action=edit add])</div></div><noinclude>[[Category:Main Page templates|{{PAGENAME}}]]</noinclude> p8jeca7yrufm5vmkaw3uvv8panh55h5 3153016 3152909 2022-08-09T22:20:45Z Kalki 71 add [[Olivia Newton-John]],''[[John Wick: Chapter 3 – Parabellum]]'', [[The Sandman (TV series)|''The Sandman'' (TV series)]] wikitext text/x-wiki <div style="background-color: #faf9b2; border: 2px solid #faf9b2; border-bottom: none; padding-top: 0.3em; padding-bottom: 0.3em; font-size: large; text-align:center;"> '''[[Special:NewPages|New pages]]''' </div> [[File:MJK32706_Olga_Tokarczuk_(Pokot,_Berlinale_2017).jpg|thumb|New in Wikiquote: [[Olga Tokarczuk]]]] <div style="background: #ffffec; border: 2px solid #faf9b2; border-top: none; padding: 0.6em; padding-top: none;"> <!-- NOTE BEFORE ADDING: Total of fourteen (14) only, in chronological order: add to top, remove from bottom --> :[[Olga Tokarczuk]] :[[Alexander Lebed]] :[[Olivia Newton-John]] :''[[John Wick: Chapter 3 – Parabellum]]'' :[[Eli S. Ricker]] :[[The Sandman (TV series)|''The Sandman'' (TV series)]] :[[Sergei Korolev]] :[[Aslan Maskhadov]] :[[Andrew Fox (author)|Andrew Fox]] :[[Mila Kunis]] :[[Tigran Keosayan]] :[[Merlin Sheldrake]] :[[Vasily Sokolovsky]] :[[Mick Wallace]] {{break}} <div style="text-align:center;" class="plainlinks">A partial listing of some [[Special:NewPages|new pages]] ([http://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Template:New_pages&action=edit add])</div></div><noinclude>[[Category:Main Page templates|{{PAGENAME}}]]</noinclude> dhoffwcb5ksggq1bm0va3qu9cck0wih 3153069 3153016 2022-08-10T00:45:28Z Kalki 71 add [[David McCullough]] wikitext text/x-wiki <div style="background-color: #faf9b2; border: 2px solid #faf9b2; border-bottom: none; padding-top: 0.3em; padding-bottom: 0.3em; font-size: large; text-align:center;"> '''[[Special:NewPages|New pages]]''' </div> [[File:MJK32706_Olga_Tokarczuk_(Pokot,_Berlinale_2017).jpg|thumb|New in Wikiquote: [[Olga Tokarczuk]]]] <div style="background: #ffffec; border: 2px solid #faf9b2; border-top: none; padding: 0.6em; padding-top: none;"> <!-- NOTE BEFORE ADDING: Total of fourteen (14) only, in chronological order: add to top, remove from bottom --> :[[David McCullough]] :[[Olga Tokarczuk]] :[[Alexander Lebed]] :[[Olivia Newton-John]] :''[[John Wick: Chapter 3 – Parabellum]]'' :[[Eli S. Ricker]] :[[The Sandman (TV series)|''The Sandman'' (TV series)]] :[[Sergei Korolev]] :[[Aslan Maskhadov]] :[[Andrew Fox (author)|Andrew Fox]] :[[Mila Kunis]] :[[Tigran Keosayan]] :[[Merlin Sheldrake]] :[[Vasily Sokolovsky]] {{break}} <div style="text-align:center;" class="plainlinks">A partial listing of some [[Special:NewPages|new pages]] ([http://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Template:New_pages&action=edit add])</div></div><noinclude>[[Category:Main Page templates|{{PAGENAME}}]]</noinclude> 5gx9t9vm6lgvb9q20wpczer0pdjlnw1 0 102120 3153068 3152871 2022-08-10T00:43:01Z Eaglestorm 16205 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Battle of Britain (film)|Battle of Britain]]''''' is a 1969 war film portraying the [[w:Battle of Britain|Battle of Britain]], when in the summer and autumn of 1940 the British [[w:RAF|RAF]] inflicted a strategic defeat on the ''[[w:Luftwaffe|Luftwaffe]]'' and so ensured the cancellation of [[w:Operation Sea Lion|Operation Sea Lion]] – [[Adolf Hitler]]'s plan to invade Britain. :''Directed by [[w:Guy Hamilton|Guy Hamilton]]. Written by [[w:James Kennaway|James Kennaway]] and [[w:Wilfred Greatorex|Wilfred Greatorex]].'' == Reichsmarschall [[Hermann Goering]] == * ''[Watching a massive Luftwaffe bomber force heading for England]'' My God, if we lose the war now... they'll tear our arses asunder! * I have promised the Fuehrer that we will clear the skies and completely destroy the RAF. I expect my orders to be obeyed! * ''[To his officers, upon learning of the Battle of Britain's failure and Operation Sea-Lion's cancellation]'' You have let me down! You have betrayed me! == Group Captain Barker == * Or, in other words, beware of the Hun in the sun- who, for reasons best known to himself, has confined his recent attacks to our Channel convoys. However, this won't last forever. But it has given us time to pull ourselves together and train people like you. As air traffic controllers, you'll be playing a key role in the battles. Radar stations send information up to command, command passes it to group, group passes it to the squadrons and you, as controllers, guide our chaps to the interception. This system is tried and tested. It works. So don't blame the system if you're no good. == Air Chief Marshal Sir Hugh C.T. Dowding == * ''[Narrating a letter he has written]'' To the permanent Secretary of State for Air... Sir, I have the honour to refer to the very serious calls which have recently been made upon Fighter Command in an attempt to stem the German invasion of the Continent. I hope and believe that our armies may yet be victorious in France and Belgium, but we have to face the possibility that they may be defeated. In this case, I presume that there is no one who would deny that England should fight on, even though the remainder of the continent of Europe is dominated by the Germans. I must therefore request that not one more fighter be sent across the Channel. If the home defence is drained away in desperate attempts to remedy the situation in France, defeat in France will involve the final, complete, and irremediable defeat of this country. I have the honour to be, sir, your obedient servant, H.C.T. Dowding. ==Dialogue== :''[An RAF Spitfire does a barrel roll over a column of retreating soldiers and civilians; a group of weary British Army soldiers are not impressed]'' :'''British Soldier''': Who the 'ell's ''he'' tryin' to kid? :''[Later, the Spitfire lands and its pilot is revealed to be Jamie; his squadron leader saw him perform the barrel roll]'' :'''Squadron Leader Harvey''': What the hell was that? One wrong twitch and you'd have been spread all over a field like strawberry jam. Never again, clear? :'''Jamie''': I thought it might buck up the civilians! :'''Harvey''': Oh, for God's sake, Jamie! Give your brain a chance! <hr width="50%"> :''[In neutral Switzerland, Baron von Richter is meeting with the British ambassador to Switzerland.]'' :'''Baron von Richter''': Sir David, I'm again instructed to inform you that the Fuehrer wishes to avoid further bloodshed. England is not our natural enemy, and he offers guarantees for the British Empire if you give Germany a free hand in Europe. Goering and his Luftwaffe would like to flatten London, as a prelude to invasion. :'''Sir David Kelly''': ''[Adding sugar to tea]'' It's two lumps you take, isn't it? :'''Von Richter''': What's left of your army abandoned its weapons at Dunkirk. You're defenseless and just playing for time! We know the moves you're making in Washington. And we know the Americans won't be drawn in. Their embassy in London gives you two weeks. :'''Kelly''': So what's stopping you? :'''Von Richter''': Look, David; the Fuehrer is being very reasonable. He offers guarantees- :'''Kelly''': Experience shows the Fuehrer's "guarantees" guarantee ''nothing''. :'''Von Richter''': What about Churchill? After our last appeal, what do we hear? "We will fight them on the beaches." With what? :'''Kelly''': Winston gets carried away sometimes. :'''Von Richter''': ''[Smugly]'' With liquid courage. That's what they tell me. :'''Kelly''': ''[Coldly]'' Clearly, you don't know him. :'''Von Richter''': David, we are not asking for anything. Europe is ours! We can walk into Britain whenever we like! :'''Kelly''': If you think we're going to gamble on Herr Hitler's "guarantees", you're making a grave mistake. All those years in England seems to have left you none the wiser. We're not easily frightened. Also we know how hard it is for an army to cross the Channel. [[Napoleon|The ''last'' little Corporal]] who tried came a ''cropper''. ''[Rising from his chair, Sir David faces Baron von Richter, visibly angry]'' So don't threaten or dictate to us until you're ''marching up Whitehall''! And even ''then'' we won't listen! :''[Seeing the offer he has come to make is refused, von Richter goes to leave, pausing at the door.]'' :'''Von Richter''': Heil Hitler. :''[As von Richter leaves the embassy, Sir David's wife enters his office with a cup of tea. He looks up at her, sitting behind his desk.]'' :'''Kelly''': It's unforgivable. I lost my temper. ''[Stirs his tea absentmindedly]'' And the maddening thing is that he's right. We're on our own. We've been playing for time. And it's running out! <hr width="50%"> :''[Air Chief Marshall Sir Hugh Dowding is meeting with a senior civil servant who is involved with the planning of Britain's defense against the coming German air campaign.]'' :'''Senior civil servant''': Damn it, man, we've got 650 ''planes''! :'''Air Chief Marshall Sir Hugh Dowding''': And they have... 2,500 aircraft, haven't they? :'''Senior civil servant''': But, they've got to cross the Channel first! And we have radar! Churchill puts great faith in radar. :'''Dowding''': It's vital, but it won't shoot down aircraft. :'''Senior civil servant''': ''[Mildly annoyed]'' Well, I must say, you don't exactly exude a spirit of optimism. :'''Dowding''': God willing we will hold out, Minister. :'''Senior civil servant''': I see. So I'm to tell the cabinet, that you're trusting in radar and praying to God, is that right? :'''Dowding''': ''[chuckles]'' More accurately the other way round. Trusting in God and praying for radar. But the essential arithmetic is that ''our'' young men will have to shoot down ''their'' young men at the rate of four to one, if we're to keep pace at all. <hr width="50%"> :''[Reichsmarschall Goering hears out his senior officers on the current progress of the air campaign, but dismisses the effectiveness of sending fighters ahead to thin out the British aircraft screen ahead of the bomber force]'' :'''Reichsmarschall Hermann Goering''': From now on, the fighters shall stay with the bombers. :'''Luftwaffe officer''': And lose the advantage of speed and surprise? :'''Goering''': You will obey orders! The invasion cannot begin until we have cleared the skies. ''[walks off but turns around]'' Come, my friends - I have chastised you enough. I am here to help. Anything you need? Föehn? ''[Major Föehn stands at attention]'' Falke? '' :'''Major Falke''': ''[snaps at attention]'' Yes, ''Herr Reichsmarschall''. Give me a squadron of Spitfires. ''[Goering is suddenly embarrassed at hearing the remark and walks away]'' <hr width="50%"> :''[A RAF ground-crew sergeant approaches Simon as he climbs out of his Spitfire; Simon forgot to drop his landing gear when he first came in to land]'' :'''RAF Sergeant''': Undercarriage lever a bit sticky, was it, sir? :'''Simon''': ''[relieved]'' Well, yes, as a matter of fact, it was! :'''RAF Sergeant''': Well, I wouldn't tell the CO that, sir. Not if I were you. :''[Simon heads for the squadron headquarters office, passing Pilot Sergeant Andy and Pilot Officer Archie, who are sitting outside.]'' :'''Andy''': You can teach... :'''Andy''' and '''Archie''': Monkeys to fly better than that! <hr width="50%"> :''[A group of boys are watching a formation of German Heinkel bombers approach London]'' :'''Boy 1''': Messerschmitts! :'''Boy 2''': "Einkels! :'''Boy 1''': Messerschmitts! :'''Boy 2''': No they ain't, they're 'Einkels! <hr width="50%"> :''[A group of German bomber crewmen taken as prisoners have been brought to a bombed airfield]'' :'''Squadron Leader Skipper''': Where are you taking those vultures? :'''RAF NCO''': Officers to the mess, NCOs to the guard room, sir. :'''Squadron Leader Skipper''': Like hell you are. They're responsible for all that ''[turning and gesturing to the ruined field]'', get 'em to clear it up! :'''RAF NCO''': But, what about the officers, sir? :'''Squadron Leader Skipper''': Give 'em a bloody shovel! <hr width="50%"> :''[A fighter pilot from the RAF's Polish squadron is shot down while his squadron is intercepting a German bomber formation with fighter escort. His parachute descends, landing in an English farmer's field. The pilot greets the farmer, speaking in heavily-accented English that makes him sound like a German.]'' :'''Polish RAF Pilot''': Goot- af-ter-noon. :''[The farmer stares at the pilot for a moment, then raises his pitchfork.]'' :'''Farmer''': "Good afternoon" my arse, you Boche bastard. ''[Gesturing with his pitchfork['' Come on, put your hands up. :'''Polish RAF Pilot''': ''[Confused]'' Why? :'''Farmer''': ''[Gesturing again]'' Come on, put 'em up! :'''Polish RAF Pilot''': I'm a Polish pilot, I'm fighting on your side! :'''Farmer''': Cor blimey- get 'em up! Let's go! :''[The Polish RAF pilot gives up and raises his hands; scowling, the farmer takes him prisoner and marches him across the field, keeping his pitchfork raised.]'' == Cast == ===Commonwealth=== * [[Laurence Olivier]] - Air Chief Marshal Sir [[w:Hugh Dowding, 1st Baron Dowding|Hugh Dowding]] * [[w:Trevor Howard|Trevor Howard]] - Air Vice-Marshal Sir [[w:Keith Park|Keith Park]] * [[w:Patrick Wymark|Patrick Wymark]] - Air Vice-Marshal [[w:Trafford Leigh-Mallory|Trafford Leigh-Mallory]], * [[w:Christopher Plummer|Christopher Plummer]] - Canadian fighter pilot * [[w:Susannah York|Susannah York]] - Maggie Harvey * [[w:Michael Caine|Michael Caine]] - Squadron Leader Canfield * [[w:Ralph Richardson|Ralph Richardson]] - [[w:David Victor Kelly|Sir David Kelly]] * [[w:Robert Shaw (British actor)|Robert Shaw]] - Squadron Leader Skipper * [[w:Ian McShane|Ian McShane]] - Andy * [[w:Kenneth More|Kenneth More]] - Barker * [[w:Edward Fox (actor)|Edward Fox]] - Pilot Officer Archie. * [[w:Michael Redgrave|Michael Redgrave]] as [[w:Douglas Evill|Air Vice-Marshal Douglas Evill]] * [[w:Harry Andrews|Harry Andrews]] - Churchill's Military Envoy * [[w:Bill Foxley|Bill Foxley]] as Squadron Leader Evans * Jean Wladon as Jean-Jacques ===German=== * [[w:Curt Jürgens|Curt Jürgens]] - Baron von Richter * Hein Riess - [[Hermann Göring]] * Manfred Reddemann - Major Falke, * Wilfried von Aacken - [[w:Theo Osterkamp|Gen. Osterkamp]] * [[w:Karl-Otto Alberty|Karl-Otto Alberty]] - [[w:Hans Jeschonnek|Gen. Jeschonnek]] * Helmut Kircher - Boehm * Alexander Allerson - Major Brandt * Paul Neuhaus - Major Föehn * Dietrich Frauboes - [[Erhard Milch|Field Marshal Milch]] * Malte Petzel - Beppo Schmid * Alf Jungermann - Brandt's navigator * Peter Hager - [[Albert Kesselring|Albert Kesselring]] * Wolf Harnisch - General Fink * Rolf Stiefel - [[Adolf Hitler]] == External Links == {{Wikipedia}} [[Category:1969 films]] [[Category:British films]] [[Category:World War II films]] [[Category:American films]] iun3ms1077zc3f4mw3znnorrlzx1xee 0 106791 3152985 3152726 2022-08-09T19:31:07Z 108.54.158.96 /* 2003 */ wikitext text/x-wiki The [[w:Survivor Series|Survivor Series]] is a [[w:WWE|WWE]] [[w:Pay Per View|Pay Per View]] held every November since 1987. It is where teams of 4 or 5 battle in elimination matches. The first Survivor Series was held Thanksgiving 1987 at the Richfield Coliseum. == [[w:Survivor Series (1987)|1987]] == :''[The Honky Tonk Man is outnumbered 3 against 1]'' :'''{{w|Jesse Ventura|Jesse "The Body" Ventura}}''': You know, now I think this is wrong. They can go for a pin, they're trying to torture the Honky Tonk Man. :'''{{w|Gorilla Monsoon}}''': Well it's payback time. :'''Jesse''': And you condone this? :'''Gorilla''': Absolutely. Anyone who would take Elizabeth and throw her down to the canvas is a piece of garbage in my book. :'''Jesse''': You shouldn't let personal things enter into it Gorilla. :'''Gorilla''': Oh now I'm trying to be more like you. <hr width=50%> :'''Gorilla''': Round and round and round she goes and where she stops, there she stops. :'''Jesse''': Only Velvet knows. How do you like the end of that poetry? :'''Gorilla''': Maybe they'll put it on record. :'''Jesse''': I'm better than Leaping Lanny Poffo. <hr width=50%> :'''Craig DeGeorge''': Perhaps we can get a comment from the eighth wonder of the world. Andre the Giant. :'''Andre the Giant''': Hogan, I did it once. Say that I will do it again! <hr width=50%> :''[Smash kicks Dynamite Kid when Dynamite puts his head down.]'' :'''Gorilla''': Oh he got caught. Cardinal mistake, put his head down. Now Dynamite's in the wrong part of town and he's going to pay for it. :'''Jesse''': And when you get caught in the wrong corner here, you've got six or eight boots hitting you. :'''Gorilla''': At the same time. :'''Jesse''': Oh yeah. :'''Gorilla''': To the best of my knowledge Jess, there's-- :'''Jesse''': And you know what else is great? They've got three or four guys to distract the referee ''[Smash throws the referee across the ring]'' and uh oh! Smash just fired the referee across the ring. ''[Bell rings.]'' :'''Gorilla''': Well, that'll take care of Smash and Ax then. :'''Howard Finkel''': As a result of a disqualification, Demolition has been eliminated. :'''Gorilla''': Ax and Smash are gone. That was kind of stupid, Jess. :'''Jesse''': Well, they got overzealous. What can I say? <hr width=50%> :'''Gorilla''': Haku is back in there. Nice clothesline! :'''Jesse''': No that's Toma. :'''Gorilla''': You're right. It's Toma. It's Tama. :'''Jesse''': Tama, Toma. It's Toma if I say it's Toma. :'''Gorilla''': It's Tama take my word for it. <hr width=50%> :'''Jesse''': I tell you, they do love their Strike Force here in Cleveland. :'''Gorilla''': This is Richfield, Jesse. :'''Jesse''': Yeah, that's a suburb of Cleveland. That's worse yet. <hr width=50%> :'''Jesse''': If the Young Stallions get eliminated here, it will leave the Killer Bees up against three teams. :'''Gorilla''': That's almost a little rough right there. :'''Jesse''': And suppose maybe you'll see them running much the same as Honky Tonk Man did earlier. :'''Gorilla''': I don't think so. :'''Jesse''': Why? :'''Gorilla''': Because they're not that kind. :'''Jesse''': I would think that would be the smart thing to do in that situation. <hr width=50%> :'''Jesse''': Did you see the agility of that? Haku weighs what, 280? :'''Gorilla''': He's well over 300 pounds. :'''Jesse''': And he went from a standing position, leapt up and drop kicked Roma right in the face. :'''Gorilla''': I'd like to see the Anvil try that. (Anvil also does a standing drop kick right here) Oh, he didn't get as high but he got up there. He must've heard me. :'''Jesse''': Tell me Gorilla, is he wired to your headset? :'''Gorilla''': Could be. Deja vu. <hr width=50%> :[Million Dollar Man, Ted Dibiase recalls when he bought a public pool for himself.] :'''Million Dollar Man Ted Dibiase''': Yeah, I'd like a lot of privacy. When are all these little brats going to be out of the pool? :'''Pool Manager''': We close the pool at 8:00 in the evening. :'''Dibiase''': Yeah, well what would it take to make this a private pool right now? :'''Pool Manager''': I'm afraid I can't do that. It's a public pool and the taxpayers. I'd have a lot of problems with the mothers and fathers. :'''Dibiase''': Listen mister, I pay more taxes in a month than these people make in a year. Virgil, (snaps his fingers, Virgil hands a couple of $100 bills to the manager.) I think we can find something wrong with the pool today. Don't you? :'''Pool Manager''': I really can't. It's a public pool, I'd really have problems with the mothers and the fathers. :'''Dibiase''': Virgil, (snaps his fingers, Virgil hands two more $100 bills to the manager.) I think there's a little too much chlorine in the water. Don't you? :'''Pool Manager''': I'll be right back. :'''Dibiase''': Yeah get these brats out of the water! :[Virgil and the manager walk over to the pool.] :'''Pool Manager''': (blows his whistle) All right, everybody out! The chlorine level is too high. We're going to close the pool. Let's go. Come on. :'''Virgil''': Come on you little brats! Get out of the pool! Come on! All of you, out! Out! Out! Come on! Let's go! <hr width=50%> :'''Howard''': Ladies and gentlemen, as a result of a countout, Hulk Hogan has been eliminated. And futhermore the referees have instructed that if Hulk Hogan does not leave the ring and go back to the dressing room immediately, he will award the bout to Andre the Giant's team. == [[w:Survivor Series (1988)|1988]] == :'''Jesse "The Body" Ventura''': All I've got to say to Sam Houston is welcome to the big leagues. <hr width="50%"> :'''Gorilla Monsoon''': Bobby Heenan's team, the Brain Busters. He says he's going to take them to the top. :'''Jesse''': Well if anybody can, Heenan can, Gorilla. :'''Gorilla''': Well he hasn't proven that to me. He doesn't have one champion in his family. :'''Jesse''': Oh, you don't like him because he's your partner on ''Prime Time''! :'''Gorilla''': No I didn't say that. If you want to make champions, then go ahead and make champions but he hasn't proven to me that he's made one. :'''Jesse''': What are you talking about? Andre held the title. :'''Gorilla''': For 30 seconds. :'''Jesse''': Only because he gave it away. <hr width="50%"> :'''Gorilla''': ''[Mr. Fuji is up on the apron.]'' Nice clothesline by Smash as Ax tells him "Put him away!" :''[Fuji pulls the ropes open and Smash goes through to the outside]'' :'''Jesse''': Whoa! Did you see that Gorilla? Fuji was hanging on to the rope! :'''Gorilla''': I don't know. Inadvertently or not. Maybe he just lost his balance. :'''Jesse''': No! I distinctly saw Fuji open the ropes and Smash went through them. :'''Gorilla''': And he got counted out! :'''Howard Finkel''': Demolition has been counted out! :'''Gorilla''': ''[Ax starts arguing with Fuji]'' Look at Ax call on Fuji now! :'''Mr. Fuji''': I don't care! I'm the boss! And I did not pull the rope down! :'''Gorilla''': Fuji saying "I'm the boss!" :'''Jesse''': Ooh, Fuji hit him with the cane! Did you see that Gorilla? :'''Gorilla''': He hits him again with it. :'''Jesse''': It's not having any effect. ''[Fuji whacks Ax from behind with his cane]'' :'''Gorilla''': From behind he nails him again with it! ''[Smash throws Fuji into Ax who slams him on the floor]'' He forgot about Smash! Ax slamming Fuji on the canvas, on the concrete! :'''Jesse''': All I can say is we've definitely had a major falling out. Happened here tonight. :'''Gorilla''': History made here tonight here at Survivor Series! ''[The Powers of Pain help Fuji back up]'' :'''Jesse''': Wait a minute. What have we got going on here now? :'''Gorilla''': Action continues, but look at this! Why are they helping Fuji? :'''Jesse''': I tell you, Gorilla, there's more to this than meets the eye I think. :'''Gorilla''': Something stinks here. :'''Jesse''': And it ain't Cleveland. <hr width="50%"> :'''Jesse''': I've noticed you're wearing shades now, Gorilla, is that because you want to be like me? :'''Gorilla''': No, it's because I want to see. <hr width="50%"> :''[Slick hits Randy Savage from behind with his cane]'' :'''Gorilla''': Oh look at that! :'''Jesse''': Did Macho trip? What happened? :'''Gorilla''': Slickster from the outside tripped up the Macho Man with his cane. :'''Jesse''': Now how can you be so sure? :'''Gorilla''': I saw it! :'''Jesse''': You saw it? Through those bifocals you could see it? == [[w:Survivor Series (1989)|1989]] == :'''Hulk Hogan''': Yo Hulkamaniacs, it's Thanksgiving night and this is the happiest time of year for all the Maniacs brother! You know, me and all of my little Hulksters, we've got a lot of things to be thankful for. Number one, we're thankful for being happy and very healthy. We're thankful for having time to share with our loved ones. We're also thankful that Hulkamania is still the strongest force in the universe and after the turkey's done, after the blessings are all done, I can tell you what the Hulkster's most happy about, it's Survivor Series time and I'm thankful for my team of Hulkamaniacs! :'''Million Dollar Man Ted DiBiase''': I'm thankful because I'm rich and you're not! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! :'''Jake "The Snake" Roberts''': I'm thankful for having Damien and the DDT. :'''Ax''': You know what we're thankful for? :'''Smash''': We don't have to fight each other! :'''Macho King Randy Savage''': Ooh, yeah! I am thankful that I am the only man worthy of being the Macho King. Ooh, yeah! :'''Hacksaw Jim Duggan''': I'm thankful for the privilege of living here in the good ol U.S. of A. Tough guy! :'''Dino Bravo''': I'm thankful, I've got the big Earthquake on my side! :'''"The American Dream" Dusty Rhodes''': What I'm thankful for for Thanksgiving, is for my polka dots! :'''Big Bossman''': I'm thankful for the justice I serve! :'''Brutus "The Barber" Beefcake''': I'm thankful for wrestlin', cuttin' and struttin'! :'''The Model Rick Martel''': I'm thankful for my good looks. :'''Ravishing Rick Rude''': I'm thankful for having the most ravishing body in the WWF. :'''Rowdy Roddy Piper''': I'm thankful because I hate Ricky Rude. :'''The Genius''': I am thankful for being the world's smartest man. :'''Mr. Perfect''': I'm thankful for being absolutely perfect! :'''Bushwacker Butch''': Yeah! We're thankful for having sardine stuffing in our turkey tonight! :'''Bobby "The Brain" Heenan''': I'm thankful for spending Thanksgiving with all the members of the Heenan Family. :'''Ultimate Warrior''': Thanksgiving is everyday but especially this day as the Warriors give me the intensity to deliver the power at Survivor Series, it is going to be a waaaaaaaaaar!! <hr width="50%"> :'''Gorilla Monsoon''': We're underway, as the 4x4s have cleared the ring. :'''Jesse "The Body" Ventura''': What do you expect? They run in the ring with boards. :'''Gorilla''': No, they're 4x4s. :'''Jesse''': Yeah, boards, that's what I said. :'''Gorilla''': No they're only two-by-fours. :... :'''Gorilla''': Well, the Macho King, he had a scepter out there. He had a weapon, didn't he? :'''Jesse''': Come on, Monsoon, get serious for a change, will you? Do you condone for a minute them being allowed to bring boards in the ring with them? :'''Gorilla''': That's just a symbol of their team. :'''Jesse''': Yeah. :'''Gorilla''': You don't see them out there ''now'', do you? :'''Jesse''': I got a [[w:Brooklyn Bridge|bridge]], Monsoon, that's for sale. You interested? <hr width="50%"> :''[Hacksaw Jim Duggan, having been defeated, clears the ring with his 2x4]'' :'''Jesse''': Now do you condone that, Gorilla? :'''Gorilla''': Absolutely. After what they did? Yes! :'''Jesse''': You condone him coming in from behind... :'''Gorilla''': Are you deaf, I said yes! :'''Jesse''': ''[cont'd]'' and hitting somebody with a foreign object. You're despicable, Gorilla! <hr width="50%"> :'''Gorilla''': Look at the big Z on the side of his head there. What's that, in case he gets lost or something? :'''Jesse''': No, it means Zeus, Gorilla. You know Zeus starts with Z. :'''Gorilla''': Oh I understand that. :'''Jesse''': Then what'd you ask for? :'''Gorilla''': See if you were paying attention, Jess. <hr width="50%"> :'''Jesse''': ''[as Hogan and Demolition triple-team DiBiase]'' Now what do you call ''this'', Monsoon? :'''Gorilla''': It's called survival. :'''Jesse''': Oh, it's "survival" when your favorites do it; it's cheating when the other team does it. :'''Gorilla''': I didn't say that. :'''Jesse''': Yes you did. Look at this, triple-teaming in the center of the ring. Now why won't the referee disqualify ''them''? :'''Gorilla''': It's the referee's prerogative. :'''Jesse''': Yeah, a little biased, if you ask me, Gorilla. I mean, he fires Zeus out of here right at the getgo and he's letting the Hulkamaniacs get away with murder. :'''Gorilla''': Did Zeus not knock the referee down twice, Jess? You can't put your hands on the referee. I don't care whether you've got a Z on the side of your head or not, that's not legal. That'll cost you the match. And I don't know. If Zeus was still out there, I'd have my doubts. :'''Jesse''': Well if Zeus was still out there, Hogan wouldn't be. <hr width="50%"> :'''Gorilla''': He (Ted DiBiase) spat at him!(Hulk Hogan) :'''Jesse''': Spat at who? :'''Gorilla''': At the champ. Well, what are you watching?! Aren't you paying attention?! :'''Jesse''': I'm watching knee drops right into the back. I'm not looking at where spit and sweat is flying. :'''Gorilla''': Well pay attention! :'''Jesse''': How can you see spit and sweat fly when there's knees and elbows? :'''Gorilla''': I might want to ask you a question later. <hr width="50%"> :'''Jesse''': The Powers of Pain are big and they are strong and they know how to double-team. :'''Gorilla''': There's evidence of it right there. :'''Jesse''': The Warlord caught Hogan. Hogan stumbling to the wrong corner, Gorilla. :'''Gorilla''': Yeah, but where was the tag, Jess? :'''Jesse''': There wasn't one. :'''Gorilla''': Oh, double clothesline by the champ. And the Powers of Pain are down. And Fuji's upset. :'''Jesse''': DiBiase and Roberts outside the ring. Hogan is getting double-teamed unmercifully here. Oh! Spike Piledriver...it's over! :'''Gorilla''': Oh, Spike Piledriver nails the champ. :'''Howard Finkel''': (in background) ''The Powers of Pain, have been disqualified'' :'''Gorilla''': Oh, the referee saw that...he's disqualifying someone. :'''Jesse''': WHAT? I can't believe it! He's saving Hogan again?! Not once! No, twice Hogan's gonna get saved in this match! :'''Gorilla''': Referee may have just disqualified ''both'' members of the Powers of Pain. :'''Jesse''': Aw...this makes me sick, Monsoon! He disqualifies Zeus 'cause he beats up Hogan, now they disqualify the Powers of Pain because they beat up Hogan too! :'''Gorilla''': No, He disqualified Zeus because Zeus manhandled the referee, and these two guys got caught in a deliberate double-team effort. <hr width="50%"> :'''Rude''': The tights on my behind are telling the tale <br> Which team will perish, and which will prevail. <hr width="50%"> :'''Gorilla''': ''[on the Bushwhackers]'' A lot of bushwhacking going on here in the Rosemont Horizon. :'''Jesse''': What do you expect, Gorilla? It's Chicago. These guys are probably half normal in Chicago on Halsted Street. <hr width="50%"> :'''Jesse''': And look at this, Neidhart's getting beat up in the corner already. This thing's going wild. :'''Gorilla''': And look at The Anvil unloading on The Brain. :'''Jesse''': The bell hasn't even rung yet. And look at Andre... :'''Gorilla''': We don't have all the team members out there yet! :'''Jesse''': Yeah, but the big man, Andre the Giant is gonna eliminate The Anvil before the bell even sounds. :'''Gorilla''': I believe the referee ''has'' called for the bell. And there's the Warrior. :'''Jesse''': ''There's'' the bell. ''There's'' the bell. :'''Gorilla''': Warrior with a clothesline. Warrior just... He's knocked Andre silly! The match is official, it's underway, and Andre's down and out. How are they gonna pick ''him'' up? :'''Jesse''': Well the problem is, the bell rang with Andre in the ring. Andre's gotta get back in the the ring before a ten-count. The referee's counted... :'''Howard''': ''Andre the Giant has been counted out.'' :'''Gorilla''': Andre's gone. :'''Jesse''': Wow! What a blow to The Heenan Family. :'''Gorilla''': Did you see the look on Arn Anderson's face? He can't believe it. <hr width="50%"> :'''Gorilla''': As the chant goes out by this capacity crowd: "Weasel!" Listen to them, I told you they all know his name. :'''Jesse''': Yeah, and I know that you instigated it, Monsoon. You sit down and quit waving at 'em to start that up! Pay attention to your job instead of picking sides! <hr width="50%"> :'''Jesse''': ''[as Haku tags Bobby Heenan]'' And here comes Heenan. :'''Gorilla''': Yeah sure. :'''Jesse''': There you go. :'''Gorilla''': Yeah, he wants in when somebody's in trouble. ''[Heenan kicks Marty Jannetty before getting punched in the gut and quickly tags Arn Anderson]'' Oh, did you see that?! Give me a break. :'''Jesse''': Hey he got in, did the damage, and got out. :'''Gorilla''': Did what damage? :'''Jesse''': Kicked him in the nuts. :'''Gorilla''': Please. <hr width="50%"> :''[Bobby Heenan is in there alone in the ring with the Ultimate Warrior]'' :'''Gorilla''': Look at the Warrior just waiting for the right opportunity. Uh-oh... ''[Camera pans to Heenan looking terrified]'' Look at ''that'' look. That's worth a thousand words. :'''Jesse''': You're loving this ain't you, Monsoon? :'''Gorilla''': I am. :'''Jesse''': You're just eating this up, aren't you? :'''Gorilla''': I am. :'''Jesse''': The Warrior can beat up a manager. :'''Gorilla''': You said he was a intricate part of this team. Now he can show me that he is. == [[w:Survivor Series (1990)|1990]] == :'''Gorilla Monsoon''': The Ultimate Warrior has worked his way to the Grand Finale, Rod. :'''Rowdy Roddy Piper''': The idea here — how do you become a survivor? You need to be a leftover! It's Thanksgiving! <hr width=50%/> :'''Million Dollar Man Ted DiBiase''': Like I've said a million times before, everybody's got a price for the Million Dollar Man, so without further ado, I will introduce to you now my mystery partner. Led to the ring by his manager Brother Love, weighing in at 320 pounds, from Death Valley, I give you THE UNDERTAKER! :'''Gorilla''': The Undertaker, the mystery partner is now revealed. :'''Piper''': I've never heard of him. :'''Gorilla''': ''[seeing the Undertaker walking to the ring]'' Oh, take a look! :'''Piper''': Holy cow! Look at the size of that hamhock! Check out them drumsticks, baby! :'''Gorilla''': 320 pounds, looks to be 6'9", 6'10", somewhere in that neighborhood, Rod. :'''Piper''': 6...6'10", I don't know, it's hard to tell from here. Holy cow. :'''Gorilla''': Look at the look on the face. :'''Piper''': I don't...you think it's his coffee? Doesn't look like he's having a good time. You think he'd steal the gold out of your teeth? :'''Gorilla''': There's only supposed to be four members on a team; this guy makes four and a half, maybe five. <hr width=50%/> :'''Piper''': We don't wanna see quitters here, we wanna see real men! And real men wear kilts! <hr width=50%> :'''Piper''': It's the first time I've been wrong since '54. <hr width=50%> :'''Piper''': ''[on Jake Roberts]'' At this point, I hate to see the man get hurt. But there comes a point where you just maybe wanna see him get pinned so he don't get hurt anymore. :'''Gorilla''': Well, you'll have to pin him 'cause he's not gonna quit, Hot Rod. :'''Piper''': He's too much of a... :'''Gorilla''': ''[as Jake hits a DDT on the Warlord]'' Oh, look at this! DDT! :'''Piper''': YES! :'''Gorilla''': He nailed the big guy! :'''Piper''': YES! :''[Jake crawls for the pin, but referee Mike Chioda is distracted.]'' :'''Gorilla''': ''[as Rick Martel sprays Arrogance at Jake, forcing him off the Warlord]'' Oh, look at Martel. :'''Piper''': Did he get him? :'''Gorilla''': No, Jake saw it coming, he turned his head, Hot Rod. :'''Piper''': Alright. :'''Gorilla''': But the referee didn't see any of that action. :'''Piper''': ''[as Jake releases Damian from his bag]'' He's got a partner! He found a partner! :'''Gorilla''': Can you blame him? :''[Jake chases Rick out of the ring to the back]'' :'''Piper''': Not at all! :'''Gorilla''': Look at Martel, scared to death! And Jake right on his tail! Hobbling, limping, but still going after him! :'''Piper''': Martel, you coward, you did the least in there! :''[At this point, Hercules, Paul Roma, and Slick have joined the Warlord in the ring]'' :'''Gorilla''': Referee's counting. Warlord, of course, the legal man in the ring, and Jake the Snake. ''[Chioda finishes the count and calls for the bell]'' Oh, he's out. I don't think he was worried about being counted out, Hot Rod. He wanted a piece of Martel. :'''Howard Finkel''': Ladies and gentlemen, Jake "The Snake" Roberts has been counted out. Therefore, the winning survivors are the entire team of the Visionaries! :'''Gorilla''': Oh, the entire team of the Visionaries have made it to the Grand Finale. :'''Piper''': Including... :'''Gorilla''': Including the Model, of course. The whole team, the first time in the history of the Survivor Series that an entire team has made it. :'''Piper''': Martel would be there, but right now, he's running down Main Street Hartford. <hr width=50%/> :'''Gorilla''': With all the excitement, I almost forgot about that humongous egg that's gonna hatch here. :'''Piper''': The last time I saw an egg that size when Milli Vanilli laid it. <hr width=50%/> :'''Piper''': The Russians give us Nikolai Volkoff, we give the Russians MTV and 2 Live Crew. There's a fair exchange, huh? <hr width=50%/> :'''Mean Gene Okerlund''': I wanted to point out to you and your cohorts that the Survivor Series is being shown around the world to our armed forces. They are gonna be seeing you in action here tonight against the Alliance, and especially those great guys and gals who are serving our country proudly in the Persian Gulf, and by the way, they find you and your commanding officer despicable. :'''Sgt. Slaughter''': Despicable?! :'''Mean Gene''': Yes! Despicable. :'''Sgt. Slaughter''': Stand at attention, you puke. Shut that hole and listen up! And all you maggots out there, listen up! Despicable is saluting the red, white & blue! I, Sgt. Slaughter, salute one flag, and that flag is the banner of that brave Iraqi nation! :'''Mean Gene''': You've gotta be kidding me! :'''Sgt. Slaughter''': You know what, pukeface? Today, my Mercenaries and I sat down to a beautiful, hot, delicious turkey dinner with all the trimmings, and we didn't have to worry about swatting any desert flies away from the table; and we didn't have the smell of camel dung in the air when we chewed our food and swallowed it; but best of all, we didn't have any sand in our pumpkin pie! What did all of you American gung-ho soldiers out there in Saudi Arabia have in your K-ration can today? Hot turkey sandwich?! :'''Mean Gene''': You call yourself an American? You've got to be kidding. :'''Sgt. Slaughter''': President Bush, take some advice from Sgt. Slaughter before you send your troops into battle against President Saddam Hussein: Always think twice because the Iraqi Army soldier is just like the Mercenaries and Sgt. Slaughter — we take no prisoners and we are survivors, and THAT'S AN ORDER! You're dismissed. :'''Gorilla''': What a despicable piece of garbage. :'''Piper''': You pig! You pig! You know why he got kicked out of the service? For saying "Shazam!" too much. :... :'''Piper''': If these boys don't finish them off, I'm grabbing his butt, I'll take him over to the Persian Gulf and let our troops have a go at him! Let's see what kind of drill sergeant he is! You're nothing but a pig, you hang around with pigs, and you ain't got enough guts to eat a can of K-rations! I would rather eat K rations that eat turkey with you, you pig! <hr width=50%/> :'''Sean Mooney''': Gentlemen, I must say the odds look to be stacked against you in the Grand Finale Match of Survival. Hulkster, it is your team of three against their five. :'''Hulk Hogan''': Well, you know something, little dude. We're not too worried about the odds being stacked against us, you know. The way I count this thing, brother, it's those five over there against the Warrior, my man Tito Santana, the stark raving Hulkster, and millions and millions of those little Hulkamaniacs out there, brother. You know, this is what it's all about, brother. I've been around the WWF for quite some time now, and the Hulkster has always ruled. But never before have I seen such intensity in a man like the Ultimate Warrior, brother, to rise to the top so fast, to take it all the way, and to have so many little Warriors following him, brother. And as far as Tito Santana goes, brother, me and the Arriba Man have been around since day one. And as far as I'm concering, me, Tito, the Ultimate Warrior, we're gonna survive this thing, brother. :'''Tito Santana''': This is what it's all about, baby! The Grand Finale! Million Dollar Man, the Visionaries, you turkeys! We are reason for one reason: to survive, baby, the Grand Finale! :'''Ultimate Warrior''': We have taken this many footsteps to get this far! The Hulkamaniacs that made the sacrifice, and the Warriors that follow me that fell like skeletons that made their sacrifices! They walk with us into this battle, and we take all of those that believe in one purpose: to do combat with those that believe they are the greatest! You, Power & Glory, a reminder that we feed off such things! And you, Rick "The Model" Martel, no competition to the powers that we possess! In Hulkamania, in Warrior Wildness, and Arribaderci! :'''Hogan''': You know, the way I feel about it, dudes, this is the eleventh hour, and we are walking that fine razor's edge between greatness or disaster. And the way things stack up, with all those Hulkamaniacs, with everything running wild out there, brother, there's no way they're gonna beat us. The energy, the focus, the mind, body, and soul. What you gonna do when our team survives and wipes out you dudes out there?! == [[w:Survivor Series (1991)|1991]] == :'''Jack Tunney''': ''[making a statement from when Jake Roberts's king cobra bit Randy Savage in the arm.]'' With the tragic events of this past weekend still fresh in all our minds, I accept full responsibility for allowing such a potentally dangerous reptile at ringside. I will accept Jake Roberts' explanation at face value that this was indeed an accident and he had led to believe that his king cobra had indeed been devenomized by the lab. However, resting upon my shoulders is the welfare of everyone here in the World Wrestling Federation. Therefore, effective immediately, the king cobra and all reptiles are barred from ringside. In addition, after careful consoltation with the Macho Man Randy Savage and his doctor, it is my decision that he is reinstated immediately and that a match between Randy Savage and Jake Roberts be sanctioned at the earliest possible date, which will be this coming Tuesday Night in Texas. Therefore, Jake Roberts will not be a participant in the Survivor Series. Instead, the Legion of Doom and Big Boss Man will face the Natural Disasters and I.R.S in a three-on-three tag team encounter. <hr width=50%/> :'''Bobby "The Brain" Heenan''': ''[Regarding Davey Boy Smith]'' Million dollar body, ten cent mind and Whoopi Goldberg's hairdo <hr width="50%"> :'''Gorilla Monsoon''': ''[after Piper kisses Sherri, who was not supposed to be at ringside]'' The referee's finally realized that she was out there, not supposed to be, she's on her way out of there. :'''Bobby''': Know where she's going? She's going to get a tetanus shot. :'''Gorilla''': I hope so. :'''Bobby''': If Piper kissed you, you'd have to have shots too, Monsoon. Well, maybe not, I don't know. <hr width=50%/> :'''Bobby''': There's gonna be a lot of trouble there in the Macho household. :'''Gorilla''': What are you talking about? :'''Bobby''': Well, he's been reinstated, right? He can wrestle again. :'''Gorilla''': Yes. :'''Bobby''': Who's gonna do the dishes? <hr width="50%"> :''[During the Team Piper vs. Team Flair match]'' :'''Gorilla''': Six remaining, and they're all in there. ''[Piper whips Flair into the corner, who flips over the top and onto the floor]'' Flair into the corner, up and over the top and out. He's the legal man out. :'''Bobby''': Hold my jacket! :'''Gorilla''': Where're you going? :'''Bobby''': I think I have to go down there and help him out. :'''Gorilla''': Oh, please. :'''Bobby''': Well, if you insist, I'll stay here. :''[The referee, failing to contain the battle of the five men in the ring, calls for the bell]'' :'''Gorilla''': Referee calling for the bell to ring here. Disqualification perhaps, or count-out. ''[The action spills out to the floor. As this happens, Flair re-enters the ring.]'' I know Flair's the legal man out there. :'''Bobby''': Well, they shouldn't disqualify him. They disqualify Piper? Who'd they disqualify? :'''Gorilla''': Why don't you just wait a minute? Somebody's gonna be sent out of here. :'''Bobby''': I think Piper gave up. I think he quit and said, "I've had enough." I'm not sure what happened. There're bodies all over the place. :'''[[w:Howard Finkel|Howard Finkel]]''': Ladies and gentlemen, here is the referee's official decision. :'''Gorilla''': Here it comes. :'''Howard''': ''[cont'd]'' He has disqualified every participant that was battling in the ring except for one man who is the sole survivor and the winner: Ric Flair! :'''Gorilla''': How on Earth could he do that?! ''[Piper attacks Flair, sending him out of the ring]'' Piper not too happy about it. :'''Bobby''': Doesn't matter. The winner of the first tag match at ''Survivor Series'', the ''real'' world's champion, Ric Flair! Now give me one, Monsoon! WOOOOO!!! :'''Gorilla''': I'd like to give you one. <hr width=50%/> :'''Bobby''': Right here in Jim Louis Arena. :'''Gorilla''': Joe Louis! :'''Bobby''': Joe Louis, sorry. :'''Gorilla''': Who's Jim Louis? :'''Bobby''': Who's Joe Louis? <hr width=50%/> :'''Gorilla''': Brain, if you keep quiet, no one will know how stupid you are. :'''Bobby''': You're kidding. <hr width=50%/> :'''Bobby''': It's four against four. Do you realize Duggan's looking across the ring and sees eight? <hr width=50%/> :'''Mean Gene Okerlund''': All right, Jake "The Snake" Roberts, these people saw what happened this weekend, I saw it, and millions around the world had an opportunity to see what took place. You said it was an accident. :'''Jake "The Snake" Roberts''': Trust me, it was. :'''Gene''': You said that snake had been devenomized by the lab. :'''Jake''': Cross my heart and hope to die, that's what I was told. :'''Gene''': You know, Jake Roberts, do you realize how much anguish you have caused the Macho Man Randy Savage and Miss Elizabeth, the torture that these... :'''Jake''': Yeah, it excited me a bit. Yeah, I thought about it for a long time. :'''Gene''': You are a sick man, Jake Roberts. :'''Jake''': Thank you very much. :'''Gene''': You know, there are many who say that Jack Tunney should have 86'ed you for your actions, you should be out of the World Wrestling Federation altogether! You're very fortunate to have an opportunity to meet the Macho Man Randy Savage one-on-one, This Tuesday in Texas, and I, for one, can hardly wait. :'''Jake''': Is that right? :'''Gene''': That's right. :'''Jake''': You know, let's start off by saying this. You're trying to cast me as the original sinner; well, I spoke to God this morning, and he said he doesn't like you. So let's point the finger at somebody else besides me. Let's point the finger at the people that voted for Savage, let's point the finger at Jack Tunney, let's point the finger at the World Wrestling Federation, not at me. :'''Gene''': You know, when you take a look at everything, the one-on-one match-up between you and the Macho Man Randy Savage, all of a sudden now, there is a very interesting hook to all of this—the fact that there will be no reptiles allowed at ringside, and that means no snakes in the bag. :'''Jake''': You know, it's hard to believe after six years, you people haven't caught on yet. The thing in the bag was simply a toy, something for me to amuse myself with. I've always been the snake you should worry about, and for six years you haven't caught on. It surprises me that anyone, even you, can be that ignorant. :'''Gene''': You laugh. :'''Jake''': Yeah, I laugh. Because Tuesday in Texas, Elizabeth, you have a ticket. You have a one-way ticket, a one-way ticket, Elizabeth. So don't be shy, sweetheart, let's use it, huh? You show up. A one-way ticket to the other side, if you will. Because this Tuesday in Texas...princess, don't expect the prince to be there to wake you up with a kiss, because you see...Tuesday in Texas is not the end, it is not the beginning, it's not even the beginning of the end, yet the end of the beginning. <hr width="50%"> :'''Gorilla''': Undertaker trying to rip the face off the Hulkster. :'''Bobby''': What a rip-off, huh? Well, Detroit's known for hockey, so that would be a face-off. :'''Gorilla''': Will you stop! <hr width="50%"> :'''Bobby''': ''[after Paul Bearer chokes Hogan a second time]'' I'll tell you, this monitor just keeps kickin' in, kickin' out. :'''Gorilla''': I'm gonna start kickin' ''you'' in and out in a minute! <hr width="50%"> :'''Gorilla''': ''[after Hogan nails Flair on the outside]'' Whoa! He said "What are you doing here?" and unloads! :'''Bobby''': Why did Hogan have to go touch Flair? Flair never touched the ring! <hr width="50%"> :'''Gorilla''': Look at this! ''[Flair places a steel chair in front of the Undertaker and he tombstones Hogan on it]'' Flair with a chair, a steel chair! Oh! He got piledrived, right through the steel chair! :'''Bobby''': Wait a minute... one, two... :'''Gorilla''': ''[as the referee and Bobby count]'' Come on! Get out! :'''Bobby''': WE'VE GOT A NEW WORLD CHAMPION! WE GOT A NEW WORLD WRESTLING FEDERATION CHAMPION! WOOOOO! :'''Gorilla''': What a miscarriage of justice! :'''Bobby''': I told you so! :'''Howard''': Ladies and gentlemen, the winner of this bout and NEW World Wrestling Federation Champion: The Undertaker! :'''Gorilla''': This is horrendous! Three guys it took—it took the Undertaker, Paul Bearer, and Ric Flair to beat Hulk Hogan! :'''Bobby''': Hulkamania is dead! It is dead! Long live the Undertaker! :'''Gorilla''': Walkin onto here as the new World Wrestling Federation champion, but not deservedly so, The Undertaker. :'''Bobby''': Look at his eyes, look at his eyes! The man is possessed! :'''Gorilla''': I suppose you thought that was fair Brain. :'''Bobby''': Does it matter what I think? :'''Gorilla''': It doesn't, huh? :'''Bobby''': There is a World Wrestling Federation new world champion. Hulkamania is dead! <hr width="50%"> :'''Gorilla''': WWF officials in the ring right now checking on the Hulkster, obviously knocked silly, knocked unconscious as Ric Flair slipped that steel chair underneath the bottom rope, allowing the Undertaker to piledrive the Hulkster's head right into it. :'''Bobby''': Well, had Hogan not gone outside the ring and put a hand on Ric Flair, the real World's champion, maybe he'd be standing right now. Maybe the match'd still be going right now. Maybe he'd be World Wrestling Federation Champion right now. But no, Hogan. You wanna live by your own rules. "Hulk rules," right? There's what Hulk rules, his back on the mat, no gold, no belt, and all these little punk Hulkamaniacs crying their eyes out! I love it, Hulkamania's been buried and it's dead! :'''Gorilla''': Brain, give me a break. What business from the get-go did Ric Flair have down at ringside during this title match?! :'''Bobby''': I don't know. :'''Gorilla''': Oh you don't know. "I don't know." That's your standard out—"I don't know." :'''Bobby''': You ask ''him'' if he... :'''Gorilla''': He's the one responsible for this title change! <hr width="50%"> :'''Gene''': Roddy Piper, you saw what happened! You tell me! :'''Rowdy Roddy Piper''': All right, man. It be a bad day in the WWF. They say ''anything'' can happen in the Survivor Series in the WWF, and it has. The Undertaker, the new WWF Champion, you Addams Family reject! I just saw Hogan down there, he got red in his eyes, he got hair on his teeth, screaming "Tunney! Tunney!" Where are you now, Tunney! You saw what happened. Oh, and Lurch's new-found friend, Cousin Itt, Ric Flair running down there. You're a real handy guy when someone's got his back turned! Ding-dong! Ding-dong! We're hearing the bell, Undertaker. Ding-dong! Flair, we're hearing the bell! As far as I'm concerned, when it comes to the Undertaker becoming the WWF Champ with the help of Ric Flair, ain't no different than David Duke becoming Prez. We hear the bells, and we be coming. Ding-dong. <hr width="50%"> :'''Gene''': Never in my life have I seen anything quite so disgusting! Quite so despicable. As a matter of fact Jack Tunney, It's a travesty! And I want to know what you're going to do about it. :'''Tunney''': Gene, not withstanding what actually occurred this evening in the gravest challenge, the referee's decision is final. :'''Gene''': That's wrong! :'''Tunney''': And cannot be challenged by me. However, it is well within my authority to order a rematch at the earliest possible date. Therefore, it is my decision that the Undertaker meet Hulk Hogan in a rematch for the World Wrestling Federation title this Tuesday in Texas. :'''Gene''': Amen. :'''Tunney''': And furthermore, I will physically be at ringside to ensure a fair and just outcome. :'''Gene''': President Jack Tunney, you have acted very quickly. I know it's a difficult decision but I certainly concur and look forward to this Tuesday night. <hr width=50%/> :'''Gorilla''': I have trouble telling the Beverly's apart. :'''Bobby''': Beau's the one with the blond hair. <hr width=50%/> :'''Bobby''': What a night this is for me. And tomorrow, I'm having a bunch of guests over to my home in Beverly Hills, turkey for everyone, only 8 bucks a head at the door. <hr width=50%/> :'''Gorilla''': Marty Jannetty, in picking up one of the Nasty Boys, accidentally kicked his own partner right in the face with the legs of the Nasty Boy. Shawn really bent out of shape here, furious with Marty Jannetty, and Marty Jannetty saying...Marty doesn't even know what happened. :'''Bobby''': Well, I'll tell you, it's like I was reading in WWF Magazine, there's dissension between the Rockers. You know, they've hated each other... :'''Gorilla''': They did not! Will you stop, that's not true! :'''Bobby''': They don't get along at all! They're both prima donnas! :'''Gorilla''': They are not! :'''Bobby''': The rumors about them are true! :'''Gorilla''': What rumors? :'''Bobby''': That they can't stand each other, in the World Wrestling Federation Magazine. Don't you read that publication?! I have my own column in it, I read it every month! :'''Gorilla''': All you do is look at the pictures! I don't think you ''can'' read! <hr width=50%/> :'''Gorilla''': Well, it's all gonna happen This Tuesday in Texas, Brain. The big one. Newly crowned World Wrestling Federation Champion, the Undertaker, his first title defense against the former Champion, the Hulkster. What an opportunity for him to become 4-time, unprecedented, holder of the WWF Title. :'''Bobby''': Is that gonna be something, when they play that "Real American" music, and he walks to the ring without the belt? :'''Gorilla''': And also, the Macho Man Randy Savage... :'''Bobby''': Oh, yeah, with Elizabeth. :'''Gorilla''': ...back inside the ring to face Jake "The Snake" Roberts. ''[Checking headset]'' What's that? Yes? Oh, we have found, we have located... :'''Bobby''': ''[checking his headset]'' Hello? :'''Gorilla''': Mean Gene Okerlund, we understand he has found the Undertaker. ''[Bobby takes out his headset and picks up the phone]'' Gene Okerlund, where are you? :''[Cut to Mean Gene in a dark place]'' :'''Mean Gene''': I'm not quite certain, Gorilla Monsoon. However, I must say I feel very uncomfortable here in the catacombs, in the bowels, if you will, of Joe Louis Arena where I have finally found the new World Wrestling Federation Champion, the Undertaker. Manager Paul Bearer, you cannot be happy with the decision of President Jack Tunney ordering the rematch This Tuesday in Texas with your man, the Undertaker, facing the Immortal Hulk Hogan. :'''Paul Bearer''': Oh, Mr. Okerlund, nothing is immortal, not even Hulkamania. Hulkamania died right here this very evening, oh yes. And normally, Mr. Okerlund, when something dies, you hold the services almost immediately, but not in the case of Hulkamania. We'll hold him over, yes, right in the embalming room of my funeral parlor. And sometime between now and Tuesday, we will eviscerate him. Oh, yes. Eviscerate his bluing flesh. Oh, that stench. :'''Undertaker''': We warned you what was in store for Hulk Hogan. And now, Mr. Okerlund, let me enlighten you what we have in store for Hulkamania. ''[Opens the coffin]'' Look into the coffin. Look, Mr. Okerlund. Look. Hulkamania, it died at Survivor Series. Now, the only thing left is this Tuesday. ''[Closes the lid]'' The burial. == [[w:Survivor Series (1992)|1992]] == :'''Macho Man Randy Savage''': Allow me to introduce my perfect tag team partner: Mr. Perfect, oooohhh yeahhhh!!! :'''Vince McMahon''': Take a look at this, Bobby Heenan! :'''Bobby "The Brain" Heenan''': This is turning my stomach. :'''Vince''': Come on! Where is he? Where's Mr. Perfect? Where's the Macho Man's tag team partner? :'''Bobby''': He took a hike! :'''Vince''': He to... ''[Perfect enters]'' There he is! :'''Bobby''': There he is, that no good backstabbing ingrate! Oh, you're gonna get it! You're gonna get it good! <hr width=50%/> :'''Bobby''': Perfect, you chew that gum with that arrogant smug look, but you may never see Thanksgiving tomorrow! You dirty, no good, rotten, lowlife, poor excuse for a human being! Razor, cut him up! Flair, slap that figure-four on and break both legs! They're not perfect, ''that's'' what's perfect! Savage, you picked yourself a loser. Listen to these humanoids — the audacity of them to cheer on a...shows you what society has come to. <hr width=50%/> :'''Vince''': Think about the Macho Man and the only perfect athlete in the WWF together. :'''Bobby''': What do you mean "the only perfect athlete"? :'''Vince''': You've said it many times before, I'm quoting you. :'''Bobby''': Well, I thought he was! But to be a perfect athlete, you have to be a perfect man, a man of integrity! When he turned on me, Flair and Ramon, he showed me so! He's not perfect! :'''Vince''': That doesn't take anything away from his athletic prowess, does it? :'''Bobby''': I believe it does! <hr width=50%/> :'''Sean Mooney''': With me now, the reigning Intercontinental Champion, Shawn Michaels. During the past month, we have witnessed an incredible turn of events in your life. Conspicuous by her absence, your manager Sensational Sherri, who right now is recovering from injuries she suffered during a confrontation ''you'' had with Marty Jannetty, and many believe it pushed you to save yourself to pull Sensational Sherri in front of... :'''"The Heartbreak Kid" Shawn Michaels''': ''[interrupting]'' That's a lie, that...is a bald-faced lie. :'''Sean''': Nonetheless, without your manager, less than two weeks ago, you captured the Intercontinental Title from what seemed to be an invincible British Bulldog, Davey Boy Smith. And tonight, here at the Survivor Series, you face a man many believe is the greatest scientific wrestler of all time, Bret "The Hitman" Hart. And he is indeed a fighting champion. During his short tenure, he has defended the title more than any man in World Wrestling Federation history. :'''Shawn''': You wanna talk history there, Sean Mooney? Let's talk a little history. Who is the man that beat Bret Hart at SummerSlam for the Intercontinental Title? :'''Sean''': The British Bulldog. :'''Shawn''': That's right. Now, who is the man that defeated the British Bulldog—quite easily, I might add—to become the new WWF Intercontinental Champion? :'''Sean''': Well, you did, everyone knows... :'''Shawn''': That's right, me. Now, for all you mathematical geniuses out there, 1 and 1 make 2. Two belts. See, when I signed for this match, Hitman, I knew I had nothing to lose and everything to gain. Your belt's on the line, mine stays right here. So tonight, all over the world, the last thing the people will hear is, "ladies and gentlemen, Shawn Michaels, the Intercontinental Champion...and ''new'' World Wrestling Federation Champion, has left the building." <hr width=50%/> :'''Mean Gene Okerlund''': All right, we have just heard from challenger, Intercontinental Champion Shawn Michaels. With me right now, the World Wrestling Federation Champion himself, Bret "the Hitman" Hart, bringing his scientific knowledge here to the Survivor Series. Bret Hart, I vividly recall recently up in your home country in Canada, Saskatoon, you defeated the Nature Boy Ric Flair and made World Wrestling Federation history. You did it with your patented, painful leg submission hold, the Sharpshooter. Since that time, you've embarked on a most ambitious series of title defenses. You've said "no" to no one; you've taken on all comers. I recall in two and a half week span of time, you met and defeated—get this lineup—the Mountie, the Berzerker, Rick "The Model" Martel, big Papa Shango. Most recently, you defeated Virgil. You did it with the Sharpshooter. Tonight, this title—your title, Bret Hart—the World Wrestling Federation Title is on the line as you meet Intercontinental Champion Shawn Michaels. :'''Bret "Hitman" Hart''': You know, Gene, Survivor Series and Thanksgiving have always been held in real close association. And everybody around the world knows that Thanksgiving is maybe the most special day for giving thanks. And nobody knows more about giving thanks than I do. As I stand before you right now, being the World Wrestling Federation champion, took me a long time to get this far, Gene. And Shawn Michaels, it's not about giving thanks for surviving one night. It's like surviving eight and a half years. That's what I've been doing, Shawn Michaels. I've been surviving a long time. I started out on the bottom, Shawn Michaels, of the World Wrestling Federation, I started out taking on everybody, clawing and fighting my way to the top, fighting my way through injuries, pain, all kinds of opponents. All kinds of shapes and sizes. And it didn't matter who it was, Shawn Michaels, I went through the tag teams, I went through the Intercontinental. But you know, Shawn Michaels, I've won a few, I've lost a few. But I'm right now, I'm at the highest. I am the World Wrestling Federation Champion, and I am proud of it. Shawn Michaels, you're a great wrestler, you got all kinds of great moves. And I got nothing but respect for you. You're gonna be a great Intercontinental Champion. But Shawn Michaels, tonight we're gonna find out who's gonna survive as the World Wrestling Federation champion. And the Excellence of Execution is feeling pretty excellent tonight. <hr width=50%/> :'''Bobby''': ''[as Shawn Michaels tries to grab Bret Hart's hair]'' You can't yank ''that'' hair. 65 pounds of oil in it. <hr width=50%/> :'''Bobby''': He is on fire. He's white hot. This man is hot. :'''Vince''': The Hitman Bret Hart is indeed, I agree with you. :'''Bobby''': You bet. No, I'm talking about Shawn Michaels! Don't you ever pay attention to me? == [[w:Survivor Series (1993)|1993]] == :'''Bobby "The Brain" Heenan''': You know why the Kid's not doing well? Look at the time! Its half an hour past his bed time! <hr width=50%/> :'''Bobby''': That's surviving, McMahon. :'''Vince McMahon''': Pardon me, that's cheating. :'''Bobby''': Well, cheating and surviving go hand in hand. <hr width=50%/> :'''Bobby''': Have you ever cheated somebody? :'''Vince''': Of course not. :'''Bobby''': You shoud try it! It's a ball! :'''Vince''': Bobby Heenan... <hr width=50%/> :'''Vince''': Oh come on, ref... :'''Bobby''': What, do you want to referee now too? You wanna be president of the World Wrestling Federation? <hr width=50%/> :'''Bobby''': A good big man will always beat a small little punk. :'''Vince''': I don't know if I've ever heard it put quite that way, Bobby Heenan... <hr width=50%/> :'''Vince''': ''(Adam Bomb and Rick Martel are obviously cheating)'' Come on ref, open your eyes! :'''Bobby''': Hey, he's doing a great job! :'''Vince''': Is that you call teamwork, Bobby Heenan? :'''Bobby''': Yes I do, what do you call teamwork? ''(disgusted)'' Fair tags? Life isn't fair, McMahon. <hr width=50%/> :'''Vince''': Razor Ramon might just be the WWF superstar of the year! :'''Bobby''': Am I still in the running? <hr width=50%/> :'''Bobby''': Come on, tear his leg out of his socket! :'''Vince''': Stop it, Bobby Heenan! <hr width=50%/> :'''Vince''': What heart this young man has! :'''Bobby''': So kick him in the heart. <hr width=50%/> :'''"The Heartbreak Kid" Shawn Michaels''': Aw, gee, can you imagine that? I upset the Hart family. I feel so bad about that. I got news for you. If I had a mom and dad that looked like that, I'd have put 'em six feet under a long time ago, whether those hearts were still pumping or not. And I got news for you. Bret "The Hitman" Hart, you and I have a history. I got a little something to settle with you anyway after what happened last Survivor Series. But you know, something's a little bit different — I still got my gold, and you got nothing. And what else do I have? I got three knights that I handpicked myself. What's he got? He's got his little brother, "The Rocket" Owen Hart; and he's got another brother, a fireman — I got something for the fireman, I'm so hot you can't put me out — and the other guy? He's a substitute schoolteacher. I don't need anybody teaching me anything, I know it all. Hart family, you guys are going down where your mom and your dad oughta be. And if that old man sticks his nose in my business, I'm gonna waffle him upside the head and somehow make him uglier than he already is. <hr width=50%/> :'''Bobby''': (after Ross and Wayne Hart are introduced) That's what it is. (sniffing) I thought it was zoo dirt. <hr width=50%/> :'''Bobby''': (on Ray Combs) Are you sure that's not Wink Martindale? <hr width=50%/> :'''Vince''': There are 20 Hart family members here at ringside tonight. :'''Bobby''': And Helen just gave birth to 8 of them. <hr width=50%/> :'''Vince''': Stu Hart last wrestled at the Boston Garden in 1945. :'''Bobby''': No you're wrong about that. 1845. He was at the tail end of his career. <hr width=50%/> :'''Bobby''': Ray, you know the movie ''Sleepless in Seattle'' starring Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan? Stu and Helen are going to remake the movie. They're going to meet eye to eye over a bowl of prunes and call it ''Senile in Seattle''. <hr width=50%/> :'''Bobby''': Excuse me one minute. (yelling) Hey Stu (Hart), wake up! He fell asleep. :'''Vince''': He's gonna wake up. He's gonna come over here, Bobby. :'''Bobby''': That'll take two hours. We'll be off the air. <hr width=50%/> :'''Bobby''': ''(On Bruce Hart)'' His name is Bruce, right? What a stupid name. You have nine months, and you come up with "Bruce"? <hr width=50%/> :'''Bobby''': ''(On being told Keith Hart is a fireman)'' Keith is a fireman? He's more like the spotted dog that rides on the back of the truck! <hr width=50%/> :'''Bobby''': ''(On the hooded Blue Knight)'' This Blue Knight's really put together, huh? I know who he is! :'''Vince''': Alright, who is he? :'''Bobby''': Oh, I can't tell YOU. <hr width=50%/> :'''Ray Combs''': Say Bobby, I think you should wear a mask like the Knights. :'''Bobby''': I should? :'''Combs''': Uh huh, as a public service. <hr width=50%/> :'''Bobby''': You know, the Hart family is known as the cowards of Canada. :'''Vince''': What do you mean, the cowards of Canada? :'''Bobby''': That's just what I hear from people. <hr width=50%/> :'''Bobby''': ''(On Stu Hart)'' I asked Stu earlier, I asked him, you gotta be proud of your boys. He said, "I have boys?" <hr width=50%/> :'''Bobby''': ''(Things break down in the ring and everyone starts fighting)'' Oh, it's just like dinner time at the Hart house. <hr width=50%/> :'''Bobby''': Now, wouldn't you classify 20 members of the Hart family living together as a ghetto? <hr width=50%/> :'''Bobby''': Stu just yelled over to Helen, "Helen, I'm damp". What does that mean? :'''Vince''': Bobby Heenan, you're a bad man. You owe the entire Hart family an apology, as well as our audience. <hr width=50%/> :'''Bobby''': ''(The Red Knight kicks the fireman Keith Hart away from behind)'' Oh! He kicked the fireman right in his backdraft! <hr width=50%/> :'''Combs''': ''(On Keith Hart)'' You know, that little man out there is man who goes out and risks his life every day. :'''Bobby''': Eating dinner at the Hart house is risking your life every day! <hr width=50%/> :'''Bobby''': I hope the director doesn't show the Hart family anymore. :'''Vince''': Why's that? :'''Bobby''': The phone'll be ringing off the hook over at America's Most Wanted! :'''Combs''': I think they oughta start a show for you family. :'''Bobby''': Oh yeah? What would they call it? :'''Combs''': America's Most Unwanted. <hr width=50%/> :'''Bobby''': You know, all the Hart daughters look like the mom. I mean, the same age, like they're going on 85, 87... :'''Vince''': You are an unkind man, Bobby Heenan. :'''Bobby''': Her face could hold an 8 day rain with all those wrinkles! <hr width=50%/> :'''Bobby''': ''(On Stu Hart's jacket, which has a picture of a bear on the back)'' Oh look! He's got a picture of Helen on the back of his jacket, isn't that nice... <hr width=50%/> :''[After Owen Hart is eliminated]'' :'''Bobby''': Shawn! Shawn! ''(throws a bottle of water to Shawn)'' :'''Combs''': He's hanging-- You can't really give him water Bobby! :'''Bobby''': I didn't. Someone from behind me threw it. <hr width=50%/> :'''Bobby''': ''(about Mabel)'' Mabel with all that hair and makeup on. Are you sure that's not Oprah Winfrey? :'''Vince''': Would you be serious, Bobby Heenan? :'''Bobby''': Oh that's right. She's dropped down to about 350. <hr width=50%/> :'''Vince''': We still don't know who Shawn Michaels' Knights were- :'''Bobby''': I do! :'''Vince''': Sure, of course you do, but you're not telling. <hr width=50%/> :'''Vince''': Mabel is huge, Bobby Heenan! :'''Bobby''': Well, if you wolfed down 65 turkeys, you'd put on a few pounds too. <hr width=50%/> :'''Bobby''': ''(Afa is chewing on... something.)'' Look at Afa! He's eating the carcass of a... wow, this is Jurassic Park, isn't it! <hr width=50%/> :'''Bobby''': What's that smell? :'''Vince''': That's Bastion Booger, I believe. :'''Bobby''': WOW! ... I thought it was just Boston. <hr width=50%/> :'''Vince''': Whoomp, there it is! :'''Bobby''': Whoopsie, there it is. <hr width=50%/> :'''Bobby''': The ring is a mess. It's like the table when Bastion Booger eats! <hr width=50%/> :''[At the end of the four Doinks match]'' :'''Vince''': This is a cartoon! Forget about Looney Tunes. Forget about Hanna Barbera. They've got nothing on the WWF! :'''Bobby''': Not tonight! :'''Vince''': Not tonight! :'''Bobby''': This looks like a match Chief Jay Strongbow should've wrestled in. :... :'''Bobby''': There's confetti on the floor, there's bananas on the floor, there's turkey carcasses on the floor, there's bananas in the ring, there's skins in the ring. There's a drumstick, there's a wing, there's a gizzard. :'''Vince''': Where's a gizzard? :'''Bobby''': I feel like I'm at Dahmer's house. <hr width=50%/> :'''[[w:Todd Pettengill|Todd Pettengill]]''': Thanksgiving Eve, live from the Boston Garden, an American tradition. I am standing in the middle of the Foreign Fanatics' contigency on this American eve, Thanksgiving, after all, the celebration of America and all the victories we've had in this country... :'''[[w:Jim Cornette|Jim Cornette]]''': Yeah. :'''Todd''': Quite simply, your denigration policy across this country at this time specifically was not very well planned, Jim. :'''Jim''': Pettengill, first of all, you don't know the meaning of half of those words you just spit out, you were looking them up all night in [[w:Funk & Wagnalls|Funk & Wagnalls]]. Second of all, we haven't denigrated anybody, we're upholding a fine American tradition: be winners at any cost, and that's exactly what we are. We're winners, and we'd do anything to win. And thirdly, there's a fine old American tradition — carving up a turkey on Thanksgiving Eve, and that's what we're going to do. We're gonna carve up four of them. Now everybody's been asking, everybody's been wondering since this match was announced: "what is your strategy? How are you going to fight the All-Americans? Is it gonna be divide and conquer? Are you going to mount a frontal assault, an all-out attack?" Well, let me just say this. We've sat down and we've thought about this. The All-Americans — we look at them like one man, because they fight together, they stand together, they think as one. They're a unit, so how do you take a man out? Well, you can go for the mind, you can go for the heart, or you can go for the soul. Now, the heart of the All-Americans is the Steiner Brothers. They got a never-say-die attitude, they'll fight to the end; but you give a blow to the heart, it can be devestating. Now the mind, the mind is the Undertaker, because he's the master of fear, the master of psychology, the master of the psych-out; but if you take away a man's mind, he's confused, he's disoriented, and you can easily take him out. Then there's the soul, and the soul of the All-Americans is Lex Luger. :'''Todd''': Team captain Lex Luger. :'''Jim''': He's the — shut up, Pettengill! — he's the embodiment of the American Dream, he's the spirit to succeed, victory against the odds. Lex Luger is the soul of the All-Americans, and when you capture a man's soul, then you've defeated him once and for all. And tonight, that's gonna be our strategy: mind, heart & soul. The All-Americans are going down in the Boston Garden tonight! :'''Todd''': Ladies and gentlemen, on Thanksgiving Eve, in the middle of the Foreign contingency, coming up next, it's the "Clash of the Superpowers." <hr width=50%/> :'''Bobby''': ''[on the Steiner Brothers]'' Graduates of the University of Wisconsin. :'''Vince''': The University of Michigan, Bobby Heenan. :'''Bobby''': I think they got their jackets on upside down. Anyone can graduate from Michigan. You could, even, a man who's hooked on phonics. <hr width=50%/> :'''Bobby''': Mr. Fuji, my hat goes off to you... if I had a hat. <hr width=50%/> :'''Bobby''': ''(Jacques hits a piledriver on Scott Steiner and covers him)'' It won't work. It won't work. ''(Steiner kicks out)'' :'''Vince''': Why wouldn't it work? :'''Bobby''': Because he dropped him on his head! There's nothing in there! <hr width=50%/> :'''Bobby''': Ok, so now it's three on... :'''Vince''': Two, it's three on two. :'''Bobby''': Three on two is five. :'''Vince''': ''(pause)'' That's right. You're the Brain, huh? You can add. :'''Bobby''': Well, I thought I'd tell you, you know, help you out. <hr width=50%/> :'''Vince''': Well, we have now have confirmation that Randy Savage has AGAIN been ejected from the building... :'''Bobby''': How does he keep getting in? Is he Batman? Is he hanging from the rafters? Does he swing in on a pole? <hr width=50%/> :'''Bobby''': ''(On Lex Luger fighting Yokozuna)'' This is like a Volkswagon fighting a Greyhound bus! <hr width=50%/> :'''Bobby''': You know, The Undertaker's gonna start a new basketball team. Yeah, it's for guys six feet and under. <hr width=50%/> :'''Bobby''': ''(Undertaker sits up after being slammed down by Yokozuna)'' HE'S NOT A HUMAN BEING! <hr width=50%/> :'''Bobby''': ''(Yokozuna slams Undertaker down harder)'' He can't get up from this, or I'm a weasel! <hr width=50%/> :'''Bobby''': ''(On Ludvig Borga)'' He'll beat you all day until he beats you, but he'll do it nonchalantly if he has to beat you 100 times. == [[w:Survivor Series (1994)|1994]] == :'''Gorilla Monsoon''': ''[on Jeff Jarrett's CD, "Ain't I Great"]'' I understand it's on the NAA label, Vince. :'''Vince McMahon''': The NAA label? What's that? :'''Gorilla''': Not available anywhere. <hr width=50%/> :'''Howard Finkel''': Ladies and gentlemen, the referee has counted all members of the Teamsters out of the ring. The winner and survivor of this bout: the Bad Guy, Razor Ramon! :'''Vince''': Imagine that if you would. Razor Ramon victorious against all odds. Shawn Michaels with one instruction too many. Shawn Michaels and Diesel with apparently a huge difference of opinion, one I'm not so sure can be repaired. <hr width=50%/> :'''"The Heartbreak Kid" Shawn Michaels''': You tell Big Daddy Cool, he needs a ride, try hitting the pavement! Hit the bricks! <hr width=50%/> :''[During the Bret Hart/Bob Backlund match; Bret is in the Crossface Chickenwing. Owen Hart, in Backlund's corner, is pleading with Helen Hart to throw in the towel for Hart.]'' :'''Vince''': Bret Hart, against all odds is somehow hanging on! Owen Hart, standing by with his mom and dad, watching Bret suffer in this hold! :'''Owen Hart''': ''[to Helen]'' Throw it in! You've gotta throw it in! :'''Gorilla''': ''[Helen takes the black towel from out of the grasp of Stu Hart. Stu attempts to stop her, but Helen throws it into the ring before he can do anything]'' OH NO! :'''Vince''': SHE THREW THE TOWEL IN! SHE THREW THE TOWEL IN! ''[The bell rings and Backlund releases the hold. Owen enters the ring and retrieves the towel. The referee then raises Backlund's hand in victory]'' And the towel has been thrown in! Oh no! ''[Owen, both towels in hand, runs backstage]'' But wait a minute! Wait a minute! I'm not going to believe this until there's an announcement. :'''Gorilla''': ''[Stu and Helen discuss what had happened, while Bret continue to rive in pain]'' Hitman is hurt, Vince, and hurt bad. :'''Vince''': ''[as referees check on Bret]'' Gorilla Monsoon, I think we have a new World Wrestling Federation Champion, and Helen Hart did what she had to do. :'''Gorilla''': What's a mother to do?! :'''Vince''': And... oh no. This can't be. ''[WWF officials arrive and help Stu and Helen get Bret out of the ring. Meanwhile Backlund is being offered the belt, and Backlund requests the belt be put around his waist]'' Can you believe this? Officials here in the WWF trying to help Bret back to the dressing room area. Imagine the anguish that Helen Hart and Stu must feel... :'''Gorilla''': Hitman... :'''Vince''': Imagine... because it was Helen Hart who finally yanked the towel out of Stu's hand and threw it in, and thus she ended the match, and thus she ended the reign of Bret Hart. Oh no. :'''Howard''': Ladies and Gentlemen, the winner of this contest, and NEW World Wrestling Federation Champion: Mr. Bob Backlund! :'''Vince''': ''[Over Finkel's announcement]'' Look at that! That's gotta break Bret Hart. That's gotta break his heart! <hr width=50%/> :'''Gorilla''': Well we've come full circle, eleven years has gone by, and Bob Backlund is once again the reigning World Wrestling Federation Champion. :'''Vince''': I can't believe it, I cannot believe it! Bob Backlund wears the World Wrestling Federation Championship! George Foreman did it in boxing; Bob Backlund has just done it at the same age, 45, in the World Wrestling Federation; and Backlund looking at his hands, his characteristic look, I don't know that ''he'' can even believe it. But the Hitman never quit. :... :'''Vince''': This is the new WWF Generation? I shudder to think! :'''Gorilla''': This is the flag-bearer now for the World Wrestling Federation? :'''Vince''': We're being told, not to cut Backlund's celebration short. Look at him, he's acting like he's 10 feet tall! Look at him. <hr width=50%/> :'''Todd Pettengill''': Obviously, we've just witnessed some...we thought you were having compassion for your brother. Vince McMahon said we're seeing the "true Owen Hart." This obviously was some sort of setup. :'''Owen''': A setup? You got it right, it was a setup! This is the greatest Thanksgiving of my life! And Mom and Dad? ''[Laughing]'' You fell right into my trap! You threw the towel in! And Bret, you're no longer the WWF Champion! Mr. Backlund is! And Bret, I could've beaten you before, but you cheated; but now you're nothing! You're below me, you're down there in the gutter, Bret! You're not a champion anymore, ''[sing-songy] you're a loser'', and I'm a king, and Bret, you're a nobody. I'm gonna be the WWF Tag Team Champion, I am gonna be a WWF Intercontinental Champion, and Bret, I am gonna be the WWF World Heavyweight Champion; and I, unlike you, will never quit, I will never surrender! You're a quitter, Bret! Mom and Dad threw in the towel, and you're history, Bret. And ''I'' am the best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be. Don't you forget it, ''brother''. Woo! :'''Todd''': Let's go back to ringside. ''[cut back to the commentary table]'' :'''Vince''': I can't believe it. :'''Gorilla''': What a creep! Unbelievable! I thought he was showing legitimate compassion! Tears were running down his face, Vince! :'''Vince''': I actually feel betrayed. I mean, for Owen Hart to...he was pleading with his mom and dad... :'''Gorilla''': How could you do that? :'''Vince''': ...and all along... :'''Gorilla''': How could you do that to your mother and father, and your brother? What kind of an ingrate...he's a worse individual than I thought he was. He's a creep, first-class. :'''Vince''': Well at any rate, we have a new WWF champion. :'''Gorilla''': A lot of folks crying out here. I don't blame them. You got to wonder what Stu and Helen are thinking right now. <hr width=50%/> :'''Todd''': I am standing with Bob Backlund. He did exactly what he said he was going to do. Agree or disagree with his tactics, he is now 2-time WWF Champion... :'''[[w:Bob Backlund|Bob Backlund]]''': ''[interrupting]'' Wait a minute, wait a minute. First of all, young man, it's ''Mr.'' Bob Backlund, and you're incorrect. I've been the Champion since 1978. I never lost the Championship. Tonight I just regained the belt, and I beat the man that represents your society! I beat him so I could save you! I'm going to scrutinize you to the fullest, pasteurize you, homogenize you, and synchronize you back into morality! You understand, ladies and gentlemen? It's sports-education! I'M YOUR CHAMPION! And I'll take on ''anybody''...anybody at all, ladies and gentlemen, in your generation, 'cause I'm fighting for something that's more important than anything in this world, is put morality back into your lives; and now your children have somebody that they can emulate after, and try to catch up to... 'CAUSE I FEEL LIKE '''''GOD!!!''''' == [[w:Survivor Series (1995)|1995]] == :'''Jim Ross''': As far as his popularity goes, The 1-2-3 Kid has gone from the penthouse to the outhouse. <hr width=50%/> :'''Vince McMahon''': Any individual who is as resilient as Michaels is, who's been knocked down so many times, and just keeps getting right back up. :'''Mr. Perfect''': Well, that just shows how stupid he is! :'''Vince''': Suffering a concussion recently in Syracuse as a result of a brutal attack, Michaels returns to the squared circle! Yeah, Shawn Michaels ready for action here, but will he survive in the tag-team elimination wild card match-up? It's gonna get wild here in a minute! :'''Jim''': Can you imagine, in a small room, putting Bill Clinton and Newt Gingrich—how would ''they'' get along? Even though they got one common goal, that's to balance the budget. That's exactly the charge that Shawn Michaels, Ahmed Johnson, Psycho Sid, and the British Bulldog have—to balance the budget. Can they get along? We're gonna find out. <hr width=50%/> :'''Mr. Perfect''': ''[on Ahmed Johnson]'' This guy's terrible. :'''Vince''': You just said you were impressed with Ahmed Johnson. :'''Mr. Perfect''': Eh, when he's up, he's good; when he's down, he's bad. == [[w:Survivor Series (1996)|1996]] == :'''[[w:Mick Foley|Mankind]]''': Don't worry, Uncle Paul. Think back to ''Buried Alive'', think back to, with his last dying gasp, how the Undertaker came to life. It doesn't bother me! Because I know, whatever form you take, Undertaker, you'll be crawling with your gasping breaths down the aisle at Madison Square Garden! And I will stomp you like the cockroaches I used to call dinner. And just like those lovely insects, at ''Survivor Series'', Undertaker, I'm gonna eat you alive! Have a nice day! <hr width=50%/> :'''Vince McMahon''': Here comes the bizarre one with Marlena. :'''[[w:Tammy Lynn Sytch|Sunny]]''': No, it's Marlena, followed by Goldust. Get it straight, big guy. Any self-respecting woman lets her man follow her. :'''Vince''': You don't smoke though, do you? :'''Sunny''': Oh God, no. I'm allergic...absolutely horrible. I'm as innocent and pure as I look. :'''Vince''': Wow... :'''Jim Ross''': Anyway, so much for truth in broadcasting. <hr width=50%> :'''Vince''': The King really hates this "Burger King" chant. :'''Sunny''': Well I bet you would like a "Vince, take off the toupee" chant huh? <hr width=50%/> :'''Sunny''': ''[as [[w:Triple H|Hunter Hearst Helmsley]] enters]'' Wins the gold, loses the chick? What's the deal with that? :'''Jim''': I think he's focused. :'''Sunny''': That's one word for it; stupid's another. :'''Jim''': Why would he want to have a woman at ringside with him anyway? What purpose would it serve in this matchup? :'''Sunny''': Wait a minute, who are you asking here, Jim Ross? :'''Jim''': Well, you're the only woman sitting here... :'''Sunny''': Listen, I make a living out of being at ringside with men and telling them what to do and...hey, if I feel like it, I'll tell ''you'' what to do too. So why don't you just sit there, Chubby, and be quiet. :'''Jim''': Okay, thank you very much. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jim''': Crush is a lot like Michael Irvin — keep him out of jail, he can play. <hr width=50%/> :'''Sunny''': ''[on [[w:Dwayne Johnson|Rocky Maivia]]]'' Look at this, he's a newcomer and they're already chanting his name. The entire building, 20,000 people. :'''Jim''': It won't be the last time! <hr width=50%/> :'''Howard Finkel''': Here is your winner: Rocky Maivia! :'''Sunny''': Oh my God, I feel like my name should be Adrian! :'''Jim''': What a way to make your debut, with a big show in the Big Apple at the ''Survivor Series''! :'''Vince''': What a dream come true for this first third-generation WWF superstar! And how proud is Rocky Johnson and his mom? How proud are Mom and Dad sitting in Florida, watching this on pay-per-view, JR. :'''Jim''': They've gotta be loving this, Grandma watching in Hawaii, and I'm sure the [[w:Peter Maivia|High Chief]] is looking on with a big smile on his face. :'''Sunny''': Well you know, I'm proud of him too, and I haven't even gotten a chance to seduce him yet. <hr width=50%/> :'''[[w:Stone Cold Steve Austin|Stone Cold Steve Austin]]''': Everybody talks about "the best there is, the best there was", all the other crap. The Excellence of Execution. Bret, cliches are cliches, an ass-whipping is an ass-whipping, and that's exactly what you're gonna get tonight at the hands of Stone Cold Steve Austin, and that's the bottom line! <hr width=50%/> :'''Vince''': How ironic would it be if Stone Cold Steve Austin placed the Sharpshooter on Bret Hart and won by submission? Again, anything can happen in the WWF. <hr width=50%> :'''Jim''': Bret Hart won his 2nd WWF title here at the Garden at Wrestlemania X. I watched that on pay per view Vince. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jim Cornette''': ''[on [[w:Rick Bogner|Razor Ramon II]] and [[w:Glen Jacobs|Diesel II]]]'' Okay, JR, these are your guys, they're your proteges! :'''Jim''': I'm not their manager! You manage Vader. If I were managing these guys, they'd be doing a heck of... if I were managing ''Vader'', he'd be doing better! He'd probably be the champion! :'''Cornette''': You couldn't manage a Wendy's! :'''Jim''': I could if ''you'' lived in the town. <hr width=50%> :'''Jim''': ''[On Flash Funk's entrance]'' I tell you, red and yellow never looked so good in the Garden. <hr width=50%/> :'''Vince''': Shawn Michaels said earlier that he would do anything to retain the title, and Sid proved he would do anything to take it. == [[w:Survivor Series (1997)|1997]] == :'''[[w:Road Dogg|Road Dogg Jesse James]]''': Hello, all you maple leaf loving freaks! You're about to find out the true meaning of "southern justice". I see that "Steers n' Queers" have already made their way to the ring. Well, now all you real true-to-life Yankee bastards are gonna see what southern justice is all about. [[w:The Blackjacks#The New Blackjacks|Blacktracks]] and [[w:The Headbangers|Buttbangers]], you are done for. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jim Ross''': Interestingly enough, King, only one member of Team Canada was born in Canada — that's Phil LaFon. The Bulldog's from Manchester, England; Doug Furnas from Commerce, Oklahoma; and Jim "The Anvil" Neidhart from Reno, Nevada. :'''Jerry "The King" Lawler''': Don't ever let the facts get in the way of a good story, Ross. Who cares? This is Canada against the United States, and quite frankly, I'm a little bit ashamed of the team that we're fielding. <hr width=50%/> :'''Michael Cole''': Vince, I'm gonna put you on the hot seat now—who's gonna win? :'''Vince McMahon''': I don't know. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jim''': Owen Hart with a tremendous ovation in his home country, and Owen Hart...aw, look at this. What an act of bravery. Owen Hart, defending the Intercontinental Title, is bringing Team Canada with him. :'''Jerry''': Well, it takes that many guys to carry all of Owen Hart's awards — those Slammies, all the titles, those flags. :'''Jim''': Yeah, Owen Hart has won a couple of Slammies, he's won two WWF Tag Titles, he's been the Intercontinental Champion twice. In some people's view, he is the real "Hitman" of the Hart family, because he almost put Shawn Michaels on the shelf with a kick to the back of the head, and we all know what he did to Stone Cold Steve Austin at ''SummerSlam''. :'''Jerry''': And you know, let's face it. In actuality, the physicians have not cleared Stone Cold to wrestle. They probably never will again. He had to go...he had to sidetrack the physicians. He had to get this match OK'd...well, he had to okay it himself. He had to indemnify Vince McMahon and the World Wrestling Federation, tell them they wouldn't be sued if his career was ended, and that may be the biggest mistake Stone Cold's ever made in his life. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jim''': Austin again... ''[hits the Stone Cold Stunner on Owen Hart and covers him]'' OH AUSTIN! THE STUNNER! THE STONE COLD STUNNER! It's... ''[the referee counts three]'' YES! :'''Jerry''': No! :'''Jim''': AUSTIN'S THE CHAMPION! STEVE AUSTIN IS THE NEW INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION! ''[Doug Furnas and Phil LaFon attack, but Austin Stuns both]'' Wait a minute! Team Canada's back! Furnas, LaFon, Stunner for your trouble! The Rattlesnake did it! :'''Albert DeFrusia''': ''...et nouveau Champion Intercontinental: Stone Cold Steve Austin!'' :'''Jim''': Austin walks into hostile territory, and he comes away with the Intercontinental Championship, and now the fans seem to love him! :'''Jerry''': I told you these Canadians are idiots! <hr width=50%> :'''McMahon''': Ring the bell! Ring the fucking bell! == [[w:Survivor Series (1998)|1998]] == :'''Mr. McMahon''': Tonight, the mystery opponent...to square off against Mankind. This legend, in the ranks of sports-entertainment, made his WWF debut in 1990. Over the course of the next six years, this charismatic superstar boasted a won-loss record that set new standards here in the WWF. Unfortunately, seeking more opposition of his own caliber, this natural athlete jumped ship to the "dubya-C-dubya" (WCW)... :'''Jerry "The King" Lawler''': Woah! Who is it? :'''Mr. McMahon''': ...and after suffering a massive shoulder injury, this cornerstone of the World Wrestling Federation has been sidelined for the past two years. With his career on the line, he fought back with resilience, dreaming of this triumphant return to the ring here tonight. Therefore, without further ado, allow me to introduce to you. Currently, the coach of the Pasadena Chargers. The man...the myth...Duane Gill. :'''Jerry''': Who? :'''Jim Ross''': What...is he....? :'''Jerry''': Duane Gill? Wait a minute I know him, that's Duane Gill! :'''Jim''': Well I'm not...he's...he's...he's got a video. McMahon has had a video prepared to Duane Gill, who has spent more time on the canvas than Rembrandt. :'''Jerry''': What? This is Mankind's mystery opponent? Handpicked by Mr. Vince McMahon? :'''Jim''': Well, I tell you what...when McMahon told Mankind that... ''[pyro goes off]'' OH! I don't think Duane's quite used to getting pyro. :'''Jerry''': He's got pyro and it scared him! :'''Jim''': I think that, I was informed just a second ago by our producers, that the Pasadena Chargers...is an elementary school football team. It's no as as if came... :'''Jerry''': Well don't hold ''that'' against him. :'''Jim''': It's not as as if he came from the NFL or something. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jerry''': Why don't you just listen to me a little more, JR? I've been doing this a few years, you know. I know what I'm talking about. :'''Jim''': I watched you when I was a kid; I learned something every day. <hr width=50%/> :'''Road Dogg Jesse James''': You got a promise, Kiel Center, from the D-O-Double-G and Mr. B. A-Double-Poisonous-Serpents. Buttbangers, go get you a WWF Merchandise Catalog and see if you can't order a couple of IC belts. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jim''': Ladies and gentlemen, the World Wrestling Federation Championship is coveted in this industry, there's no doubt about that. The biggest names in the game have worn the World Wrestling Federation Title. It will be bestowed, it will be won by a new man here tonight, King. Either Mankind — obviously the chosen one, a corporate chosen one by Vince McMahon — or the "people's champion", the Rock. <hr width=50%/> :'''The Rock''': Vince, just like last Sunday on [[w:WWE Heat|''Heat'']], when the Rock said he'd rather be the People's Ass than to ever kiss yours. Well tonight it's time for each and every single piece of trailer park trash to kiss the Rock's, if you smell what the Rock is cookin'! <hr width=50%/> :''[The Rock has just been announced as the new WWF champion, but Shane and Vince McMahon face him with spread arms seeking an embrace, and when they do..]'' :'''Jerry''': WHAT?!?! :'''Jim''': What the hell? They're in it all along, all three of them! They screwed us all... McMahon is the family, The Rock, they screwed us all!!! == [[w:Survivor Series (1999)|1999]] == :'''[[w:Kurt Angle|Kurt Angle]]''': You do not boo an Olympic Gold Medalist. You do ''not'' boo an Olympic Gold Medalist! I'm the best in the world. I came here for you. You do not boo me. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jim Ross''': Vince McMahon in the ring! Now Vince has got the title belt. :'''Jerry "The King" Lawler''': OH! ''[Big Show chokeslams Billy Gunn]'' :'''Jim''': Vince McMahon has got the title belt in his hand, King. :'''Jerry''': Look out! Wha... ''[Vince swings at Triple H with the belt, but misses]'' Uh-oh. :'''Jim''': Oh, going for Triple H's head... :'''Jerry''': ''[Vince swings again, and this time hits Triple H]'' NO! :'''Jim''': AND HE GOT IT! McMAHON JUST KNOCKED TRIPLE H DOWN WITH THE BELT! ''[Big Show picks up Triple H and chokeslams him]'' THE BIG SHOW WITH A CHOKESLAM! :'''Jerry''': ''[Big Show covers him. Vince, who was scheduled to be the referee for this match, counts and the audience counts along with him]'' No! I can't believe it! ''[Vince counts three]'' :'''Jim''': THE BIG SHOW! McMAHON HAS SCREWED HELMSLEY! :'''Howard Finkel''': ''[as he says this, Vince hands over the title to the Big Show]'' The winner of this bout, and NEW World Wrestling Federation Champion: The Big Show! :'''Jim Ross''': Vince McMahon has screwed Triple H, and it is Show Time! It's Show Time! Triple H has lost the WWF Title to the Big Show! == [[w:Survivor Series (2000)|2000]] == :''[Triple H is in his car but Austin has trapped him with a forklift and is gradually lifting it up]'' :'''Triple H''': Austin, you're gonna regret this, don't do it! :'''Austin''': I'm gonna do it you pissed me off! :'''Triple H''': Austin, all right enough is enough, don't do it! Austin you're gonna regret it I know. :'''Austin''': Ehheehh, give me a hell yeah you son of a bitch! :'''Triple H''': ''[feels car tipping to the side]'' Austin don't, oh my god, Austin don't, don't, do ''[as car drops to the pavement]'' HOLY SHIT!!! :'''Jim Ross''': The Game's in that car!! Austin just dropped the Game from that machine!! == [[w:Survivor Series (2001)|2001]] == :''[As Austin has the Rock in the Sharpshooter]'' :'''Paul Heyman''': Why doesn't Hebner call for the bell?! :'''Jim Ross''': Because the Rock hasn't tapped! :'''Paul''': Well, that never stopped him before at Survivor Series, did it?! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jim''': Austin thrown right into the face of Earl Hebner. Down goes the referee. The Rock measuring Austin! ''[The Rock sets Austin up for the Rock Bottom, but Austin counters]'' Looking for the Rock Bottom! :'''Paul''': ''[Austin hits the Stone Cold Stunner on the Rock]'' STUNNER! OH MY GOD, IT'S OVER! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! IT'S FINALLY OVER! The legacy of the World Wrestling Federation dies here! ''[Austin covers, but Hebner is still down]'' COVER!!!!! :'''Jim''': But there's no referee! :'''Paul''': DAMN IT! :'''Jim''': Austin, he... he... he knocked his own referee out. :'''Paul''': It was unintentional! :'''Jim''': But then he... he inadvertently ran over Earl Hebner. ''[as he says this, Kurt Angle, who had moments ago been eliminated, reenters]'' The Rock starting to stir, but wait... ''wait'' a minute. :'''Paul''': ''[Angle grabs Austin's WWF title]'' Here comes Kurt. Thank God. :'''Jim''': That son of a... ''[Angle hits Austin with the title belt]'' OH! KURT ANGLE JUST... HE JUST NAILED AUSTIN! ''[The Rock delivers the Rock Bottom to Austin]'' THE ROCK BOTTOM! THE ROCK BOTTOM! ''[Hebner slowly makes it to the Rock pinning Austin and counts slowly. The crowd counts along with him]'' THE COUNT! THE COUNT! ''[Hebner counts three. The crowd and the WWF locker room erupt]'' IT'S OVER! IT'S OVER! THE WWF HAS WON IT! ''[In shock, Heyman drops his headset]'' :'''Howard Finkel''': ''[cut to the Alliance's locker room where Stephanie McMahon is screaming in anguish, and soon after back to the WWF locker room where their celebration continues]'' The winner of the fall: The Rock! And thus, the surviving organization: The World Wrestling Federation! :'''Jim''': ''[Speaking to Heyman]'' How do you feel about ''that''? You're out of work! You're out of work ''again''! You didn't win, Paul! Your man lost! Kurt Angle just screwed you guys! :'''Stephanie McMahon''': ''[overlap on Alliance footage; crying]'' Oh my God, what have I done?!?!? ''[cue back to the WWF locker room's celebration]'' :'''Jim''': The Rock with the Rock Bottom, and Kurt Angle drilled Austin with the WWF title belt! How ironic was that?!? The WWF wins! The Alliance dies at the Survivor Series! The weight of the WWF world, resting on the shoulders of The Rock and a bizarre, shocking assist, by Kurt Angle, has cost the Alliance. The Rock said he was gonna do it and he did it, and the billion-dollar Princess ''[referring to a kneeling Stephanie]'' can't believe it. Shane and Stephanie are out of business! Paul Heyman is out of business, and the Alliance is going belly-up. == [[w:Survivor Series (2002)|2002]] == :'''Scott Steiner''': Gimme a fucking mic! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jim Ross''': And the Game going back; he's going to try it again. :'''Jerry "The King" Lawler''': Oh-ho. :'''Jim''': One more Pedigree! He's going to stop Michaels! :'''Jerry''': ''[But Michaels back body drops out of the way]'' Look out, Game! Look out! :'''Jim''': And Michaels back body dropped the Game! ''[Michaels gets into Superkick position]'' He came out of it! :'''Jerry''': ''[Michaels hits Sweet Chin Music and the crowd erupts]'' Oh, he GOT him! :'''Jim''': SWEET CHIN MUSIC! SWEET CHIN MUSIC! THE COVER! ''[Earl Hebner counts and the crowd counts along with him: "One"]'' THE COVER! ''["Two"]'' HE GOT HIM! ''["Three"; the crowd erupts again]'' :'''Jerry''': NO! WHAT?!? :'''Jim''': SHAWN MICHAELS! SHAWN MICHAELS IS THE WORLD CHAMPION! :'''Jerry''': What?!? WHAT did you say? :'''Howard Finkel''': ''[over Jerry talking]'' The winner of this bout, and NEW World Heavyweight Champion: HBK, Shawn Michaels! :'''Jim''': THEY'RE ON THEIR FEET AT MADISON SQUARE GARDEN! MY GOD, I DON'T BELIEVE IT! I DON'T ''BELIEVE'' IT! :'''Jerry''': They're on their feet all over the ''world'' right now, JR! ''Nobody'' believes this! :'''Jim''': SHAWN MICHAELS IS THE HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION OF THE WORLD! :'''Jerry''': ACK! Look at this! ''[Confetti begins to drop from the rafters]'' :'''Jim''': MY GOD, CAN YOU ''BELIEVE'' IT? :'''Jerry''': This may be the world's biggest celebration! :'''Jim''': I know [[Miracle (film)#Al Michaels|it's been said before]], BUT IN THE WWE, DO YOU BELIEVE IN MIRACLES?!? == [[w:Survivor Series (2003)|2003]] == :''[with only Randy Orton and Shawn Michaels remaining in the Team Bischoff vs. Team Austin match, after Orton inadvertently knocked out the referee with a crossbody meant for Michaels]'' :'''Jim Ross''': That referee is not gonna get up anytime soon, I can guaran-damn-tee you that, but Shawn Michaels is, but he's willing himself up! :'''Jerry "The King" Lawler''' ''[addressing the blood on Michaels' face which resulted from a chair shot by Chris Jericho]'': Look at his face from the damage. :''[Michaels, having pulled himself up using the ropes, is about to signal for Sweet Chin Music]'' :'''Jim''': The will to survive! :'''Jerry''': You gotta be kidding, is he gonna... :'''Jim''': He's one kick away...one kick away from ending this damn thing! :'''Jerry''': Does he have the strength left in him, does he have the blood pumping through his veins? ''[but before Michaels can execute the kick, Eric Bischoff enters the ring and knocks down Michaels with a kick of his own]'' Look at this! Look at Bischoff! :'''Jim''': And now Bischoff, with that martial arts kick! :''[now Stone Cold Steve Austin enters the ring and attacks Bischoff]'' :'''Jerry''': Look at Stone Cold! :'''Jim''' ''[as Austin stomps Bischoff out of the ring]'': And Austin, knocking the hell out of Bischoff! :'''Jerry''' ''[as Austin spots Orton who has just gotten back up]'': Yes! ''[Austin kicks Orton and gives him the Stone Cold Stunner]'' Hey! :'''Jim''': Oh! Stunner! :'''Jerry''': Woo-hoo! :'''Jim''': STUNNER! THAT'LL DO IT!! AUSTIN GOT THE STUNNER ON ORTON!! ''[Austin now exits the ring and goes back to attacking Bischoff]'' AUSTIN GOT THE STUNNER ON ORTON! :'''Jerry''': The Rattlesnake has struck! :'''Jim''': And now Austin's gonna open a can of whip-ass on Eric Bischoff! :'''Jerry''': Well, I don't blame him! :'''Jim''': Eric Bischoff's getting whipped like a government mule by Stone Cold Steve Austin! Austin with a Stunner on Randy Orton! ''[as Austin's attack on Bischoff makes its way backstage, Batista enters the ring and grabs Michaels, who was about to cover Orton]'' Hey, wait a minute! :'''Jerry''': Hey! :'''Jim''': Wait a minute! It's that damn - that animal, Batista! Batista! ''[Batista slams down Michaels with a Batista Bomb]'' No! :'''Jerry''': Oh! :'''Jim''': For the love of God, no! :''[as Batista exits the ring, the referee finally comes to]'' :'''Jerry''': Oh my God, what... :'''Jim''': My God...no! It - it can't be!! :'''Jerry''': Well, JR, you cannot condone- :'''Jim''' ''[as Orton crawls over to Michaels]'': I don't think... :'''Jerry''': I don't think Austin even saw what happened - ''[Orton covers Michaels]'' - oh, wait a minute! :'''Jim''': Austin's not aware! Orton's gonna cover him! Batista has taken Michaels out! Can Shawn Michaels kick out?! :''[the referee starts counting]'' :'''Jerry''': Kick out! :'''Jim''': Kick out, Shawn! KICK OUT, SHAWN!! :'''Jerry''': Kick out!! :''[the referee has counted to 3. The bell rings]'' :'''Jim''': OH, GOD AL- :''[Austin runs back out of the entrance to discover his team has lost, meaning he would be fired as co-general manager of ''RAW'']'' :'''Howard Finkel''': Your winners... :'''Jerry''': Now what? :'''Howard''': ...Eric Bischoff's team! :'''Jim''': Austin not even aware of what Batista has done. :'''Jerry''': Holy crap. What... :'''Jim''': Oh, God. :'''Jerry''': Look at the look on Stone Cold's face; that's the same look on everybody in this arena! He doesn't even know that Batista was in the ring! :'''Jim''': Shawn Michaels did everything a human being could do, with a 1-on-3 disadvantage, and thanks to Batista of Evolution, Stone Cold Steve Austin's 14-year career is over. :'''Jerry''': Can't believe you just said that. :'''Jim''' ''[as Austin approaches the ring, where Michaels is still laying]'': I swear to God, folks, it breaks my heart to say that. My...my guts in knots. Poor Shawn Michaels. God bless him. :'''Jerry''': He deserved - he deserved a better fate than that, didn't he? And so did Stone Cold! :'''Jim''': Did everything he could do, did Shawn Michaels; everything a human being could do, Shawn Michaels did...well, you gotta be wondering what's on Austin's mind right now. :'''Jerry''': Well, he's done and he knows it. == [[w:Survivor Series (2009)|2009]] == :'''Michael Cole''': Ladies and gentlemen, if DX remain on the same page tonight, there is absolutely no doubt in my mind that John Cena will lose the WWE Championship. :'''Jerry "The King" Lawler''': Well, the question is, which one of these great superstars will win, be victorious here tonight? I mean, this is...you guys will have to agree with this, I mean, is it gonna be Shawn or is it gonna be Triple H? :''[the referee calls for the bell to officially start the match, as Michaels and Triple H stare down Cena]'' :'''Matt Striker''': Well, the last time the WWE title changed hands in this city was 2000 and that match featured, the Game, Triple H. :''[suddenly Michaels hits Sweet Chin Music on Triple H, who falls out of the ring, unconscious. Cena looks absolutely stunned]'' :'''Michael''': Sweet Chin Music! :'''Jerry''': What in the world?! :'''Matt''': Ohhhh! :'''Michael''': Shawn Michaels... :'''Matt''': I told you, King, I told you! :'''Jerry''': What the- :'''Matt''': I told you! :'''Michael''': Look at the look on Cena's face! :'''Matt''': Ha-ha-ha! :'''Jerry''': What?! :'''Michael''': And there, ladies and gentlemen, is vintage Shawn Michaels! :'''Matt''': I love it! :'''Michael''': Shawn Michaels has made a career about being in the center of the storm, and he did it, again! :'''Jerry''': What?! :'''Matt''': Let's go, here we go now! Come on! :'''Jerry''': ...what?! I can't - did that just happen?! == [[w:Survivor Series (2010)|2010]] == :'''Michael Cole''': Well, of course, coming out to his ''nerd'' music... :'''Matt Striker''': That's "[[w:Ride of the Valkyries|Ride of the Valkyries]]", that's a great song. :'''Michael''': Yeah, from ''Apocalypse Now'', and every time that Daniel Bryan comes out, that's what it is out here. Nonetheless, Daniel Bryan would know nothing about the way Maryse would dress, that wonderful Versace dress and Prada jacket. How gorgeous does Maryse look here tonight at Survivor Series? :'''Jerry "The King" Lawler''': Oh, she's always very, very beautiful...as most... :'''Matt''': Arm candy? :'''Jerry''': ...gold diggers are. :'''Matt''': Well, Daniel Bryan said he was honored... :'''Michael''': Wait a minute, how can you say Maryse is a gold digger? :'''Jerry''': Let me ask you, if you think—Matt, you can probably vouch for this. You said you would love to take her shopping; you used to be a teacher—what if you still made a teacher's salary? You think she would still be around... :'''Michael''': He still does! :'''Matt''': I would take out a loan and mortgage my house. :'''Jerry''': Trust me, Maryse would not be hanging around with somebody that is a regular joe out the street. :'''Matt''': Michael, let me shift to you. Daniel Bryan said he was honored to have Hall-of-Famer Jim Ross call his match this past year on "Old School" ''Raw''. :'''Michael''': How did ''that'' work out? <hr width=50%/> :'''The Miz''': Sorry to interrupt, because we all know how much I respect Daniel Bryan, but I have something to say. :''[The lights go out momentarily]'' :'''Michael''': Oh, you can't turn the lights out on the Miz, he needs a spotlight! :'''The Miz''': ''[as the lights come back on]'' That's better. I am a proud citizen of Cleveland, Ohio. ''[The Miami crowd boos]'' And it's fitting that I'm here in Miami because, truth be told, the Miami Heat are a lot like the Nexus—they're both arrogant, despised by millions, overrated and, in a word, the Nexus and the Miami both are hopelessly mediocre. I think LeBron is...is like the Wade Barrett of the NBA, not that he's a leader, because we all know LeBron is nothing more than Dwyane Wade's little sidekick. No, the reason LeBron is like Barrett, because they both feel that they are entitled to a championship. Well, there is one important difference—Wade Barrett might become champion tonight, whereas LeBron will ''never'' be champion! LeBron has a commercial where he asks, what should he do? What should you do? What you should do, LeBron. What should you do? You should go back to Cleveland and apologize to each and every one of us for what you did, you traitor! :'''Michael''': The "Let's Go, Heat!" chants. Of course, the Miami Heat play in this arena. :'''The Miz''': As for you, Barrett, I don't care what happens to Cena. All you and Randy Orton need to know is I am tired of carrying this briefcase. So right now, it's not a matter of if, it's a simple question of when, because I'm the Miz, you are all witnesses to the fact that I'M...AWESOME!!! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jerry''': For somebody that's so closely associated with NXT, you seem to have no respect for their former stars. :'''Michael''': I like everybody on NXT. :'''Jerry''': Daniel Bryan and Kaval? :'''Michael''': No, but I like my commentary. <hr width=50%/> :'''Todd Grisham''': I'm being joined by Team Alberto Del Rio member, the All-American American, Jack Swagger, and Jack, how does it feel to be a part of Team Del Rio? :'''Jack Swagger''': Team Del Rio? Team Del Rio? Todd, let me tell you something? As the only former World Heavyweight Champion on this team, it should be called Jack Swagger's All-American Americans, which is important because we're not in America right now. We're not in Miami. This is "Little Cuba". Jack Swagger don't habla Español. Are you kidding me, Todd? :'''Cody Rhodes''': You'll have to excuse him, Todd. See, I know where all this animosity stems from. I caught our Jack Swagger last night trying to get into a club here in South Beach with the most busted broke shoes I have ever seen. :'''Swagger''': They were my grandfather's, and they're vintage. :'''Cody''': Right. Listen, I don't know what it's like to stand behind a roped entrance unlike you, ''[indicated Todd]'' unlike you... :'''Alberto Del Rio''': Bravo, bravo, I love it. I was just talking with Drew and Tyler, and I bet them a dinner that in the moment Jack Swagger starts talking, we're going to have a train of interruptions. ''[Mocking] Ooh, you're nothing. I'm better than you. You're nothing.'' Come on, guys. Come on. That's boring. We're here to destroy Rey Mysterio, to destroy Rey Mysterio and his little friends. I want to see little kids crying; I want them to see their idols on the floor; I want tears; and if we do that, I buy the beers. Sound good? Of course it does. And hey, come on, guys. Don't worry, ''I'm'' your captain. Your captain is the one and only Alberto Del Rio. :'''Cody''': ''[as Alberto, Drew and Tyler walk off]'' I hate to admit it, but he's good. <hr width=50%/> :'''Michael''': There's no doubt that this man, ''Dashing'' Cody Rhodes, fits right in at South Beach :'''Jerry''': ''[Exasperated]'' Oh my gosh.... :'''Matt''': Cody's narcissistic, ego-driven, cocky, conceited, capable and confident. :'''Michael''': And he wins. :'''Matt''': I think it started with the letter C. :'''Michael''': This guy is... look at him! :'''Jerry''': I am looking at him, it looks like his neck threw up. You think he's ''Dashing?!?!'' :'''Michael''': He's perfect! :'''Jerry''': Oh my gosh! ''[Laughs]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Michael''': This guy right here, Matt, could be the wild card in all of this. :'''Matt''': Well, this is the x factor. I mean, let's not forget this past Friday on ''SmackDown'' on Syfy, Tyler Reks took The Big Show off of his feet. How do you prepare for the unknown, how do you prepare for Tyler Reks? == [[w:Survivor Series (2011)|2011]] == :'''The Rock''': Madison Square Garden...''[the crowd cheers]'' Madison Square Garden...let me tell you something about Madison Square Garden. 1977, five years old, Dwayne Johnson is sittin' in the seats right out there, right in front, front row watching his grandfather, the High Chief Peter Maivia take on Superstar Billy Graham for the WWE Title. Seven years later, the Rock, twelve years old, hanging out in the back in the dressing room with Andre the Giant! Let me repeat that—''hangin' out'' with Andre the Giant. Watching the Rock's dad, "Soul Man" Rocky Johnson defend his WWE Tag Team Title! And here we are, 1996, this very arena, this magical arena, the Rock makes his debut at Survivor Series, November '96! The Rock makes his debut at Survivor Series, and despite having a hideous outfit and the worst haircut known to man, this was the place! This was the place where the people, for the very first time in the Rock's life, chanted the Rock's name! ''[The crowd chants "Rocky!"]'' That night, that night started an odyssey, an epic odyssey that will go down in WWE history. That will go down in WWE history from "Know your role" to "Shut your mouth", all the way to "Layeth the smacketh down"; from "one on one with the Great One"; all the way back to "do you...like pie?"; to "it doesn't matter what you think!" All the way back, all the way back, then the Rock becomes...the Intercontinental Champion, then the Rock becomes Tag Team Champion, then the Rock becomes 7-time WWE Champion. But above all that, more importantly than that, on that night, the Rock became the People's Champion! Becoming the People's Champion, after seven long years, finally the Rock has come back. Finally the new era, the People's Era begins tonight, because finally...''[the crowd says it with him]'' FINALLY, THE ROCK HAS COME BACK TO NEW YORK CITY!!! <br> ''[The crowd resumes the "Rocky" chant"]'' <br> Miz and R-Truth, Miz and R-Truth, it's as simple as this. It's as simple as this! Boots...to asses. Miz and R-Truth, boots to asses. Now, now on to the Rock's tag team partner, John Cena. ''[The crowd's usual reaction]'' You see, John Cena. John Cena, you called the Rock out to be your tag team partner. Well, guess what. You got your wish. But what you didn't count on, what you never counted on, what you never counted on was the Rock doesn't come alone. No, no, no, no, no! The Rock, as you can clearly hear, and later on, your monkey ass is clearly gonna see, that the Rock brings 17,000 strong! And what we're gonna do, we're gonna take a lightning bolt and shoot it right up your ovulating lady parts! ''[The crowd chants "Lady Parts!"]'' New York City, you and the Rock know just how magical Madison Square Garden is. You know it, the Rock knows it. You know how special and historic this night is. Frank Sinatra performed out there in Madison Square Garden, gave the performance of a lifetime! Not only Blue Eyes himself, it was Ali-Frazier, delivered the fight of the century in this very arena! And tonight...and tonight, the Rock wakes up in a city that never sleeps. In a city that never sleeps, he's A-#1, top of the list, king of the hill, A-#1...''[sings] These little town blues are melting away.'' New York City, this is the Rock live, the Rock ain't singin' by himself! No, no, no! We're gonna make ''[sings with the crowd] a brand new start of it in Ol New York! If we can make it here, we'll make it anywhere. It's up to you, New York, New York!'' <br> Boots to asses all night long, New York City, it's on...IF YA SMELL WHAT THE ROCK IS COOKIN'!!! <hr width=50%/> :'''Michael Cole''': And now Punk kick to the side of the head! ''[Punk covers Del Rio]'' The cover! ''[The ref counts to two, but Del Rio gets the shoulder up]'' Two-count, Del Rio, shoulder up! ''[Punk immediately hooks him into the Anaconda Vice]'' In the Vice! In the Vice! :'''Booker T''': He's in that Vice! :'''Michael''': ''[as Del Rio tries clawing Punk's face]'' What a move by Punk! What a counter by Punk! Anaconda Vice! Anaconda Vice! Del Rio's in trouble! The Champ's in trouble! :'''Jerry "The King" Lawler''': Hang on, hang on! :'''Michael''': Del Rio doing all he can! :''[Del Rio taps out]'' :'''Jerry''': THERE IT IS!!! :'''Booker T''': Oh...you gotta be kidding me! A great victory! :'''Michael''': CM Punk is WWE Champion! :'''Booker T''': Wow. :'''Jerry''': What a counter. :'''Booker T''': What a match-up. ''[Punk exits the ring and dives into the crowd]'' I mean, these two were fists on fire, toe-to-toe for thirty minutes and it was totally, totally off the hook! :'''Howard Finkel''': The winner of this bout...and NEW WWE Champion: CM Punk! :'''Michael''': For the sixteenth time in the history of Madison Square Garden, the WWE Championship has changed hands! CM Punk now a two-time WWE Champion, and a five-time world champion! :'''CM Punk''': ''[sitting on the barrier and holding the belt high]'' BEST IN THE WORLD!!! :'''Booker T''': Got a lot of respect for CM Punk, man. For all intents and purposes, CM Punk is that good. ''[Punk runs and jumps into another part of the crowd]'' Wow! Just jumped in the mosh pit! :'''Jerry''': You can call that the Punk Pit right now. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jerry''': Cole, you're quiet. You're sitting there with that look on your face, Cole. Why are you sulking? :'''Booker T''': You all right, Cole? :'''Michael''': I'm picturing the WWE with that man as Champion. :'''Booker T''': I thought you was picturing yourself in that Anaconda Vice. Stuffed up like a chicken, screaming like a little girl. :'''Michael''': You guys do realize that that man is representing your company now, right? You realize that! So much for the class and dignity of Del Rio! :'''Booker T''': Well, I'm on Smackdown. :'''Jerry''': I don't think this capacity crowd here in Madison Square Garden has any problems with CM Punk representing them. == [[w:Survivor Series (2012)|2012]] == :'''Michael Cole''': ''[on Brodus Clay's entrance]'' A funky start to the Survivor Series. :'''John "Bradshaw" Layfield''': "Funky"'s a kind word. This is what happens when you cross a plesiosaur with Adele. This is the offspring. :'''Michael''': What are you talking about? :'''JBL''': A plesiosaur, from the Cretaceous period. :'''Michael''': No, I mean Adele's a singer, not a dancer. :'''JBL''': Okay, Kirstie Alley. <hr width=50%/> :'''Michael''': Cesaro was considered too aggressive when he played rugby; he was actually kicked out of his league... :'''JBL''': That's what I just said. :'''Michael''': ...before he came over here... :'''JBL''': I'm over here with a freaking parrot! :'''Michael''': ...to WWE. :'''JBL''': Good grief, I just said that! He was thrown out of the Top 14. Like Buck Shelford, All Blacks; Springboks-All Blacks! It's an island just south of Australia, parrot! :'''Michael''': Now you know how it feels. :'''Jerry "The King" Lawler''': Come on, JBL, you can't blame him for not listening. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jerry''': ''[on Del Rio]'' And you like that guy, JBL? :'''JBL''': Love that guy! You have your ring announcer, you got a $100,000 collector's Rolls Royce! This man is terrific! :'''Michael''': You know, you had your own Cabinet. How did that work out? :'''JBL''': Not so well. We were the antithesis to the Four Horsemen. <hr width=50%/> :'''Michael Cole''': Daniel Bryan a former World Champion. :'''JBL''': And a vegan. Something else no one cares about. Tyson was a vegan until he ate Holyfield's ear. :'''Jerry''': ''[laughing]'' You've talked about every sport imaginable tonight, even rugby. :'''Michael''': Your Google was busy today. <hr width=50%/> :'''Michael''': Ladies and gentlemen, tonight marks day #364 that CM Punk has been Champion. He is currently tied with Hulk Hogan for the eighth-longest reign in WWE history. :'''JBL''': How could you possibly understate a record like that?! 364 days?! When CM Punk became the Champion, Mitt Romney wasn't even the Republican nomination, Snooki hadn't even had a baby, Hostess was still in business. One day away from being a year, CM Punk! :'''Jerry''': But wouldn't it be ironic if he doesn't quite make the year? :'''Michael''': It would be a year if he can make it to ''Monday Night Raw''. CM Punk's current reign is the longest in six years. The man who stands in the ring next to him now, John Cena, held it for 380 days between 2006-2007. Now isn't ''that'' ironic? Now, John, I gotta ask you. A lot of people have been talking all week long about Punk being paranoid heading into tonight, that perhaps tonight is the night that things all are gonna crash down around CM Punk. Have you heard those rumors? Do you believe in them? :'''JBL''': The pressure of carrying the Championship that long, one day away from being one year, of course he's nervous. He's not facing ''one'' beast, he's facing ''two'' in Cena and this crazy manimal Ryback. :'''Jerry''': And he's also facing the law of averages. == [[w:Survivor Series (2013)|2013]] == :'''Zeb Colter''': Boston, Massachusetts, the home of the Boston Tea Party, where, at one time, a group of patriots banded together to spark a revolution. But looking around at this motley crew assembled here tonight, I can clearly see that there are no revolutionaries amongst us. But if the Boston Tea Party were held today, none of you would know it, because you don't pay attention. None of you would know anything about Paul Revere or Nathan Hale because you're too busy doing other things, stupid things like twerking. :'''Michael Cole''': Twerking? :''[Zeb demonstrates, but almost throws out his back to the laughter of the commentators and the crowd]'' :'''Jerry "The King" Lawler''': Oh, he threw his back out. :'''Zeb''': Oh, you think that's funny? You're doing stupid things like talking on your cell phones or Tweeting to some idiot halfway across the country, or cheering some foreign guy by the name of David Ortiz! Disgusting! You should be cheering real Americans like Jack Swagger... :'''Cody Rhodes''': Enough, enough, Zeb! None of these people here paid to listen to you talk! :'''John "Bradshaw" Layfield''': I did. :'''Jerry''': You paid? :'''Rhodes''': And none of these people wanna see you twerk. :'''JBL''': I do. <hr width=50%/> :'''JBL''': They were down 5-to-2 at one point. And it's not that Rey Mysterio had an off night; Roman Reigns just had an incredible night. <hr width=50%/> :'''AJ Lee''': I've been called many things—needy, adorable, psychotic, champion—and I have not come this far to be taken down now. Now, I know that all of you are far less successful than I am, but that's no reason for you to feel inferior. No, no, you should draw inspiration from me. Yes, this is the time for you to shake off all your insecurities, this is the time to prove everyone wrong, and to take back our Divas division! Who's with me? :'''Alicia Fox''': Who are you calling inferior? :'''Rosa Mendes''': What makes you think you're better than any of us? :'''AJ''': Is...is that, like, a rhetorical question or...I'm sorry, do you know what rhetorical means? I'll speak real slow. It means... :'''Kaitlyn''': Rhetorical means, a question that is ''so'' obvious that it doesn't need an answer. For example, why would any of us trust you? I mean, you basically ruined my life, you used Aksana and Fox in your ridiculous crusade against the Total Divas, and let's face it, besides your hired help, you have made enemies with every single one of us. :'''AJ''': Oh, Katie, I don't like you, and I know you don't like me, but this isn't about us. No, this is about the fact that ''Total Divas'' doesn't want any of you. And maybe it's because they think that you're not pretty enough, Kaitlyn; or because you have a silly accent, Aksana; or because that all you can do is dance, Summer. Yeah, what I know is that right now, ''Total Divas'' has new episodes playing on the E! Network, and none of you are on them, because they think that you don't deserve to be. Well prove them wrong. Start your own show by stealing this one tonight. <hr width=50%/> :'''JBL''': ''[as Nikki Bella does "The Worm"]'' Scotty 2 Hotty oughta sue somebody for gimmick infringement! <hr width=50%/> :'''Bray Wyatt''': She speaks to me. She whispers in my dreams. She told me about you, Punk and Bryan. She said that y'all would be tough as nails, and if we wanted to take you down, well then we'd have to hunt you like dogs. She was right. But we are the reapers, and there's nowhere left to run. == [[w:Survivor Series (2014)|2014]] == ''[Triple H has signaled referee Scott Armstrong to count Dolph Ziggler down and make Seth Rollins the winner when Sting makes his entrance to an enormous ovation]'' :'''Michael Cole''': Oh, my God! :'''Jerry "The King" Lawler''': What?! :'''Michael''': It's [[w:Sting (wrestler)|Sting]]! :'''Jerry''': What?! :'''Michael''': Stinger's here! :'''John "Bradshaw" Layfield''': A six-time WCW Champion, a two-time NWA World Heavyweight Champion! :'''Jerry''': But what the hell is he doing here? :'''JBL''': The Icon! The Franchise! :'''Michael''': The man who has never stepped foot inside WWE's arena before! :'''JBL''': What a hell of an impact he's made the first time he did! :'''Michael''': But why is Stinger here?! :'''JBL''': None of his business, I'll tell ya! :'''Michael''': This is incredible! ''[Sting comes to the ring and attacks Scott Armstrong]'' Down goes Armstrong! :''[Sting enters the ring and stares down Triple H for two minutes, amidst the chants of "Holy Shit!", "Sting!" and "This is awesome." Triple H attacks, but Sting evades, then kicks him in the gut.]'' :'''Michael''': Look at this! Sting! :'''Jerry''': Triple H with the first shot, but he missed! :''[Sting hits the Scorpion Death Drop on Triple H.]'' :'''Michael''': Stinger strikes! ''[Sting pulls Rollins off of Ziggler onto his back, then pulls Ziggler on top of him, and walks out]'' And he pulls Ziggler into the cover of Seth Rollins. :'''Jerry''': ''[seeing the original referee make the count]'' Hey guys... :'''Michael''': Here's the cover. :'''JBL''': No! ''[The referee hits three]'' NO! :'''Michael''': Team Cena wins! :'''Lawler''': Whoo-hoo! :'''Lilian Garcia''': Here is your winner: Dolph Ziggler, and Team Cena! :'''Lawler''': Oh, happy day! :'''Michael''': The Authority is gone! :'''JBL''': What has Sting done? And why? :'''Michael''': Ladies and gentlemen, the most incredible moment in Survivor Series history! The Authority is out of power! Dolph Ziggler is the lone survivor, and the iconic Sting returns with a Death Drop to Triple H! <hr width=50%/> :''[Triple H and Stephanie McMahon stand alone in the ring after losing the match to Team Cena, leaving the Authority out of power.]'' :'''Stephanie McMahon''': NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! :''[Crowd starts to sing "Na Na Na (Kiss Him Goodbye)"]'' :'''Crowd: NA NA NA NA. NA NA NA NA. HEY HEY HEY Goodbye. :'''Stephanie''': NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! THIS IS NOT OVER!!!!!!!! == [[w:Survivor Series (2015)|2015]] == :''[After Roman Reigns won the WWE World Heavyweight Championship in the tournament finals, only for Sheamus to cash-in Money in the Bank and become champion]'' <br /> :'''John "Bradshaw" Layfield''': Roman Reigns finally reached the summit, and he got [[w:Sheamus|Brogue Kick]]ed right off of it! == [[w:Survivor Series (2016)|2016]] == :'''Enzo Amore''': Toronto! :''[crowd cheers]'' :'''Enzo''': Look what you've done! We are a couple of star boys! And tonight, these star boys...we got enemies, got a lot of enemies. We got a couple of haters...a couple of haters...from ''SmackDown'' trying to drain us of our energy! :'''Big Cass''': And ain't nobody could've drained us of our energy, because we are in Toronto, and we've been sipping on Timmy Horton's all day long! ''[crowd cheers)'' And as for ''SmackDown Live'', they've been sipping on their cup of Average Joe. :''[crowd cheers]'' :'''Enzo''': Tonight, we are running through the six with our foes. So Team Raw's on their ones and twos. I got 'em all BO's. So ''SmackDown''...you better be on your Toron-toes, babe. ''[He strips down his overalls to reveal a writing of "If You're Reading This, It's Too Late" a la [[Drake (entertainer)|Drake's]] album as the crowd cheers louder]'' :'''Cass''': If you're reading this it's too late because there's only ''[the crowd joins in]'' one word...to describe you, and I'm gonna spell it out for ya! S-A-W-F-T! :'''Crowd''': SAWFT! <hr width=50%/> ''[moments later, after all the members of Team ''Raw'' have made their entrances:]'' :'''Big E''': Oh, Toronto! Don't you dare...be sour! Clap for your world-famous 2-time champs and feel the power! :''[The New Day's music kicks in and they enter as the crowd chants "New Day rocks!"]'' :'''Xavier Woods''': Tonight, we are much more than just your ''[The New Day members wiggle their hips and the crowd joins in]'' WWE World Tag Team Champions... :'''Kofi Kingston''': ...We are also your ''Raw'' tag team captains. But tonight...is not about us. Oh...no. ''[He points at the members of Team'' Raw'']'' Tonight...is about ''us''! All of us! All of us as we stand united with one goal in mind: And that goal is to put the whooping on Team ''SmackDown'', baby! :'''Big E''': But why? But why? Because...Team ''Raw'' rocks! ''[the crowd joins in as Team'' Raw ''marches their way to the ring]'' Team ''Raw'' rocks! :''[Woods plays his trombone to the rhythm of the crowd chanting "Team'' Raw ''rocks" while Team'' Raw ''marches to the ring]'' :'''Michael Cole''': Feel free to join us on this...chanting anytime, Otunga. :'''David Otunga''': I'll pass on this...as much as I have a point. <hr width=50%/> :'''Michael''': Seth Rollins said, "Survivor Series has always been big to me. I'm gonna stay the course tonight and lead Team ''RAW'' to victory." :'''David''': Well, his shirt tells me he's a little bit of self-interest in there. He's got half of his own shirt, half of Team ''RAW''. :'''Corey Graves''': What an astute observation there, Jennifer Hudsband. <hr width=50%/> '''[During the epic Brock Lesnar vs Goldberg fight:]'' :'''Michael''': SPEAR! Goldberg hit Lesnar with a spear from out of nowhere! :'''David''': Goldberg may shock the world. :'''Corey''': Goldberg looking to end this early. :'''Michael''': Lesnar's hurt. Lesnar's hurt. [Goldberg hits Lesnar with another spear] Goldberg again with another spear. 2 spears to Lesnar. Brock's in trouble. Brock's in trouble. :'''Corey''': I don't think anybody expected this sort of dominance right out of the gate from Goldberg. :'''David''': The Beast may be on the verge of getting slayed. ''[Lesnar struggles to get up to his feet and moments later Goldberg scoops Lesnar up for a Jackhammer]'' :'''Michael''': Goldberg looking for a Jackhammer. A Jackhammer to Lesnar..here's the cover...''[Referee counts the 3] ''OH MY GOD! Goldberg beat Brock! :'''Jojo''': Here is your winner...Goldberg! :'''Michael''': A monumental Upset after 12 years, Goldberg returns to the ring and absolutely destroys The Beast. :'''Corey''': I cannot believe what I just witnessed. :'''David''': You and me both. Goldberg said he had one last Jackhammer and that one last Jackhammer was good enough to pin Brock Lesnar. :'''Corey''': The entire world has got to be in shock right now. ==External links== {{wikipedia|Survivor Series}} [[Category:Sports television shows]] [[Category:WWE]] lmdi6j6z8ub20q75ylwvd6c8x0jifvx 3152987 3152985 2022-08-09T19:51:29Z 108.54.158.96 /* 2003 */ wikitext text/x-wiki The [[w:Survivor Series|Survivor Series]] is a [[w:WWE|WWE]] [[w:Pay Per View|Pay Per View]] held every November since 1987. It is where teams of 4 or 5 battle in elimination matches. The first Survivor Series was held Thanksgiving 1987 at the Richfield Coliseum. == [[w:Survivor Series (1987)|1987]] == :''[The Honky Tonk Man is outnumbered 3 against 1]'' :'''{{w|Jesse Ventura|Jesse "The Body" Ventura}}''': You know, now I think this is wrong. They can go for a pin, they're trying to torture the Honky Tonk Man. :'''{{w|Gorilla Monsoon}}''': Well it's payback time. :'''Jesse''': And you condone this? :'''Gorilla''': Absolutely. Anyone who would take Elizabeth and throw her down to the canvas is a piece of garbage in my book. :'''Jesse''': You shouldn't let personal things enter into it Gorilla. :'''Gorilla''': Oh now I'm trying to be more like you. <hr width=50%> :'''Gorilla''': Round and round and round she goes and where she stops, there she stops. :'''Jesse''': Only Velvet knows. How do you like the end of that poetry? :'''Gorilla''': Maybe they'll put it on record. :'''Jesse''': I'm better than Leaping Lanny Poffo. <hr width=50%> :'''Craig DeGeorge''': Perhaps we can get a comment from the eighth wonder of the world. Andre the Giant. :'''Andre the Giant''': Hogan, I did it once. Say that I will do it again! <hr width=50%> :''[Smash kicks Dynamite Kid when Dynamite puts his head down.]'' :'''Gorilla''': Oh he got caught. Cardinal mistake, put his head down. Now Dynamite's in the wrong part of town and he's going to pay for it. :'''Jesse''': And when you get caught in the wrong corner here, you've got six or eight boots hitting you. :'''Gorilla''': At the same time. :'''Jesse''': Oh yeah. :'''Gorilla''': To the best of my knowledge Jess, there's-- :'''Jesse''': And you know what else is great? They've got three or four guys to distract the referee ''[Smash throws the referee across the ring]'' and uh oh! Smash just fired the referee across the ring. ''[Bell rings.]'' :'''Gorilla''': Well, that'll take care of Smash and Ax then. :'''Howard Finkel''': As a result of a disqualification, Demolition has been eliminated. :'''Gorilla''': Ax and Smash are gone. That was kind of stupid, Jess. :'''Jesse''': Well, they got overzealous. What can I say? <hr width=50%> :'''Gorilla''': Haku is back in there. Nice clothesline! :'''Jesse''': No that's Toma. :'''Gorilla''': You're right. It's Toma. It's Tama. :'''Jesse''': Tama, Toma. It's Toma if I say it's Toma. :'''Gorilla''': It's Tama take my word for it. <hr width=50%> :'''Jesse''': I tell you, they do love their Strike Force here in Cleveland. :'''Gorilla''': This is Richfield, Jesse. :'''Jesse''': Yeah, that's a suburb of Cleveland. That's worse yet. <hr width=50%> :'''Jesse''': If the Young Stallions get eliminated here, it will leave the Killer Bees up against three teams. :'''Gorilla''': That's almost a little rough right there. :'''Jesse''': And suppose maybe you'll see them running much the same as Honky Tonk Man did earlier. :'''Gorilla''': I don't think so. :'''Jesse''': Why? :'''Gorilla''': Because they're not that kind. :'''Jesse''': I would think that would be the smart thing to do in that situation. <hr width=50%> :'''Jesse''': Did you see the agility of that? Haku weighs what, 280? :'''Gorilla''': He's well over 300 pounds. :'''Jesse''': And he went from a standing position, leapt up and drop kicked Roma right in the face. :'''Gorilla''': I'd like to see the Anvil try that. (Anvil also does a standing drop kick right here) Oh, he didn't get as high but he got up there. He must've heard me. :'''Jesse''': Tell me Gorilla, is he wired to your headset? :'''Gorilla''': Could be. Deja vu. <hr width=50%> :[Million Dollar Man, Ted Dibiase recalls when he bought a public pool for himself.] :'''Million Dollar Man Ted Dibiase''': Yeah, I'd like a lot of privacy. When are all these little brats going to be out of the pool? :'''Pool Manager''': We close the pool at 8:00 in the evening. :'''Dibiase''': Yeah, well what would it take to make this a private pool right now? :'''Pool Manager''': I'm afraid I can't do that. It's a public pool and the taxpayers. I'd have a lot of problems with the mothers and fathers. :'''Dibiase''': Listen mister, I pay more taxes in a month than these people make in a year. Virgil, (snaps his fingers, Virgil hands a couple of $100 bills to the manager.) I think we can find something wrong with the pool today. Don't you? :'''Pool Manager''': I really can't. It's a public pool, I'd really have problems with the mothers and the fathers. :'''Dibiase''': Virgil, (snaps his fingers, Virgil hands two more $100 bills to the manager.) I think there's a little too much chlorine in the water. Don't you? :'''Pool Manager''': I'll be right back. :'''Dibiase''': Yeah get these brats out of the water! :[Virgil and the manager walk over to the pool.] :'''Pool Manager''': (blows his whistle) All right, everybody out! The chlorine level is too high. We're going to close the pool. Let's go. Come on. :'''Virgil''': Come on you little brats! Get out of the pool! Come on! All of you, out! Out! Out! Come on! Let's go! <hr width=50%> :'''Howard''': Ladies and gentlemen, as a result of a countout, Hulk Hogan has been eliminated. And futhermore the referees have instructed that if Hulk Hogan does not leave the ring and go back to the dressing room immediately, he will award the bout to Andre the Giant's team. == [[w:Survivor Series (1988)|1988]] == :'''Jesse "The Body" Ventura''': All I've got to say to Sam Houston is welcome to the big leagues. <hr width="50%"> :'''Gorilla Monsoon''': Bobby Heenan's team, the Brain Busters. He says he's going to take them to the top. :'''Jesse''': Well if anybody can, Heenan can, Gorilla. :'''Gorilla''': Well he hasn't proven that to me. He doesn't have one champion in his family. :'''Jesse''': Oh, you don't like him because he's your partner on ''Prime Time''! :'''Gorilla''': No I didn't say that. If you want to make champions, then go ahead and make champions but he hasn't proven to me that he's made one. :'''Jesse''': What are you talking about? Andre held the title. :'''Gorilla''': For 30 seconds. :'''Jesse''': Only because he gave it away. <hr width="50%"> :'''Gorilla''': ''[Mr. Fuji is up on the apron.]'' Nice clothesline by Smash as Ax tells him "Put him away!" :''[Fuji pulls the ropes open and Smash goes through to the outside]'' :'''Jesse''': Whoa! Did you see that Gorilla? Fuji was hanging on to the rope! :'''Gorilla''': I don't know. Inadvertently or not. Maybe he just lost his balance. :'''Jesse''': No! I distinctly saw Fuji open the ropes and Smash went through them. :'''Gorilla''': And he got counted out! :'''Howard Finkel''': Demolition has been counted out! :'''Gorilla''': ''[Ax starts arguing with Fuji]'' Look at Ax call on Fuji now! :'''Mr. Fuji''': I don't care! I'm the boss! And I did not pull the rope down! :'''Gorilla''': Fuji saying "I'm the boss!" :'''Jesse''': Ooh, Fuji hit him with the cane! Did you see that Gorilla? :'''Gorilla''': He hits him again with it. :'''Jesse''': It's not having any effect. ''[Fuji whacks Ax from behind with his cane]'' :'''Gorilla''': From behind he nails him again with it! ''[Smash throws Fuji into Ax who slams him on the floor]'' He forgot about Smash! Ax slamming Fuji on the canvas, on the concrete! :'''Jesse''': All I can say is we've definitely had a major falling out. Happened here tonight. :'''Gorilla''': History made here tonight here at Survivor Series! ''[The Powers of Pain help Fuji back up]'' :'''Jesse''': Wait a minute. What have we got going on here now? :'''Gorilla''': Action continues, but look at this! Why are they helping Fuji? :'''Jesse''': I tell you, Gorilla, there's more to this than meets the eye I think. :'''Gorilla''': Something stinks here. :'''Jesse''': And it ain't Cleveland. <hr width="50%"> :'''Jesse''': I've noticed you're wearing shades now, Gorilla, is that because you want to be like me? :'''Gorilla''': No, it's because I want to see. <hr width="50%"> :''[Slick hits Randy Savage from behind with his cane]'' :'''Gorilla''': Oh look at that! :'''Jesse''': Did Macho trip? What happened? :'''Gorilla''': Slickster from the outside tripped up the Macho Man with his cane. :'''Jesse''': Now how can you be so sure? :'''Gorilla''': I saw it! :'''Jesse''': You saw it? Through those bifocals you could see it? == [[w:Survivor Series (1989)|1989]] == :'''Hulk Hogan''': Yo Hulkamaniacs, it's Thanksgiving night and this is the happiest time of year for all the Maniacs brother! You know, me and all of my little Hulksters, we've got a lot of things to be thankful for. Number one, we're thankful for being happy and very healthy. We're thankful for having time to share with our loved ones. We're also thankful that Hulkamania is still the strongest force in the universe and after the turkey's done, after the blessings are all done, I can tell you what the Hulkster's most happy about, it's Survivor Series time and I'm thankful for my team of Hulkamaniacs! :'''Million Dollar Man Ted DiBiase''': I'm thankful because I'm rich and you're not! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! :'''Jake "The Snake" Roberts''': I'm thankful for having Damien and the DDT. :'''Ax''': You know what we're thankful for? :'''Smash''': We don't have to fight each other! :'''Macho King Randy Savage''': Ooh, yeah! I am thankful that I am the only man worthy of being the Macho King. Ooh, yeah! :'''Hacksaw Jim Duggan''': I'm thankful for the privilege of living here in the good ol U.S. of A. Tough guy! :'''Dino Bravo''': I'm thankful, I've got the big Earthquake on my side! :'''"The American Dream" Dusty Rhodes''': What I'm thankful for for Thanksgiving, is for my polka dots! :'''Big Bossman''': I'm thankful for the justice I serve! :'''Brutus "The Barber" Beefcake''': I'm thankful for wrestlin', cuttin' and struttin'! :'''The Model Rick Martel''': I'm thankful for my good looks. :'''Ravishing Rick Rude''': I'm thankful for having the most ravishing body in the WWF. :'''Rowdy Roddy Piper''': I'm thankful because I hate Ricky Rude. :'''The Genius''': I am thankful for being the world's smartest man. :'''Mr. Perfect''': I'm thankful for being absolutely perfect! :'''Bushwacker Butch''': Yeah! We're thankful for having sardine stuffing in our turkey tonight! :'''Bobby "The Brain" Heenan''': I'm thankful for spending Thanksgiving with all the members of the Heenan Family. :'''Ultimate Warrior''': Thanksgiving is everyday but especially this day as the Warriors give me the intensity to deliver the power at Survivor Series, it is going to be a waaaaaaaaaar!! <hr width="50%"> :'''Gorilla Monsoon''': We're underway, as the 4x4s have cleared the ring. :'''Jesse "The Body" Ventura''': What do you expect? They run in the ring with boards. :'''Gorilla''': No, they're 4x4s. :'''Jesse''': Yeah, boards, that's what I said. :'''Gorilla''': No they're only two-by-fours. :... :'''Gorilla''': Well, the Macho King, he had a scepter out there. He had a weapon, didn't he? :'''Jesse''': Come on, Monsoon, get serious for a change, will you? Do you condone for a minute them being allowed to bring boards in the ring with them? :'''Gorilla''': That's just a symbol of their team. :'''Jesse''': Yeah. :'''Gorilla''': You don't see them out there ''now'', do you? :'''Jesse''': I got a [[w:Brooklyn Bridge|bridge]], Monsoon, that's for sale. You interested? <hr width="50%"> :''[Hacksaw Jim Duggan, having been defeated, clears the ring with his 2x4]'' :'''Jesse''': Now do you condone that, Gorilla? :'''Gorilla''': Absolutely. After what they did? Yes! :'''Jesse''': You condone him coming in from behind... :'''Gorilla''': Are you deaf, I said yes! :'''Jesse''': ''[cont'd]'' and hitting somebody with a foreign object. You're despicable, Gorilla! <hr width="50%"> :'''Gorilla''': Look at the big Z on the side of his head there. What's that, in case he gets lost or something? :'''Jesse''': No, it means Zeus, Gorilla. You know Zeus starts with Z. :'''Gorilla''': Oh I understand that. :'''Jesse''': Then what'd you ask for? :'''Gorilla''': See if you were paying attention, Jess. <hr width="50%"> :'''Jesse''': ''[as Hogan and Demolition triple-team DiBiase]'' Now what do you call ''this'', Monsoon? :'''Gorilla''': It's called survival. :'''Jesse''': Oh, it's "survival" when your favorites do it; it's cheating when the other team does it. :'''Gorilla''': I didn't say that. :'''Jesse''': Yes you did. Look at this, triple-teaming in the center of the ring. Now why won't the referee disqualify ''them''? :'''Gorilla''': It's the referee's prerogative. :'''Jesse''': Yeah, a little biased, if you ask me, Gorilla. I mean, he fires Zeus out of here right at the getgo and he's letting the Hulkamaniacs get away with murder. :'''Gorilla''': Did Zeus not knock the referee down twice, Jess? You can't put your hands on the referee. I don't care whether you've got a Z on the side of your head or not, that's not legal. That'll cost you the match. And I don't know. If Zeus was still out there, I'd have my doubts. :'''Jesse''': Well if Zeus was still out there, Hogan wouldn't be. <hr width="50%"> :'''Gorilla''': He (Ted DiBiase) spat at him!(Hulk Hogan) :'''Jesse''': Spat at who? :'''Gorilla''': At the champ. Well, what are you watching?! Aren't you paying attention?! :'''Jesse''': I'm watching knee drops right into the back. I'm not looking at where spit and sweat is flying. :'''Gorilla''': Well pay attention! :'''Jesse''': How can you see spit and sweat fly when there's knees and elbows? :'''Gorilla''': I might want to ask you a question later. <hr width="50%"> :'''Jesse''': The Powers of Pain are big and they are strong and they know how to double-team. :'''Gorilla''': There's evidence of it right there. :'''Jesse''': The Warlord caught Hogan. Hogan stumbling to the wrong corner, Gorilla. :'''Gorilla''': Yeah, but where was the tag, Jess? :'''Jesse''': There wasn't one. :'''Gorilla''': Oh, double clothesline by the champ. And the Powers of Pain are down. And Fuji's upset. :'''Jesse''': DiBiase and Roberts outside the ring. Hogan is getting double-teamed unmercifully here. Oh! Spike Piledriver...it's over! :'''Gorilla''': Oh, Spike Piledriver nails the champ. :'''Howard Finkel''': (in background) ''The Powers of Pain, have been disqualified'' :'''Gorilla''': Oh, the referee saw that...he's disqualifying someone. :'''Jesse''': WHAT? I can't believe it! He's saving Hogan again?! Not once! No, twice Hogan's gonna get saved in this match! :'''Gorilla''': Referee may have just disqualified ''both'' members of the Powers of Pain. :'''Jesse''': Aw...this makes me sick, Monsoon! He disqualifies Zeus 'cause he beats up Hogan, now they disqualify the Powers of Pain because they beat up Hogan too! :'''Gorilla''': No, He disqualified Zeus because Zeus manhandled the referee, and these two guys got caught in a deliberate double-team effort. <hr width="50%"> :'''Rude''': The tights on my behind are telling the tale <br> Which team will perish, and which will prevail. <hr width="50%"> :'''Gorilla''': ''[on the Bushwhackers]'' A lot of bushwhacking going on here in the Rosemont Horizon. :'''Jesse''': What do you expect, Gorilla? It's Chicago. These guys are probably half normal in Chicago on Halsted Street. <hr width="50%"> :'''Jesse''': And look at this, Neidhart's getting beat up in the corner already. This thing's going wild. :'''Gorilla''': And look at The Anvil unloading on The Brain. :'''Jesse''': The bell hasn't even rung yet. And look at Andre... :'''Gorilla''': We don't have all the team members out there yet! :'''Jesse''': Yeah, but the big man, Andre the Giant is gonna eliminate The Anvil before the bell even sounds. :'''Gorilla''': I believe the referee ''has'' called for the bell. And there's the Warrior. :'''Jesse''': ''There's'' the bell. ''There's'' the bell. :'''Gorilla''': Warrior with a clothesline. Warrior just... He's knocked Andre silly! The match is official, it's underway, and Andre's down and out. How are they gonna pick ''him'' up? :'''Jesse''': Well the problem is, the bell rang with Andre in the ring. Andre's gotta get back in the the ring before a ten-count. The referee's counted... :'''Howard''': ''Andre the Giant has been counted out.'' :'''Gorilla''': Andre's gone. :'''Jesse''': Wow! What a blow to The Heenan Family. :'''Gorilla''': Did you see the look on Arn Anderson's face? He can't believe it. <hr width="50%"> :'''Gorilla''': As the chant goes out by this capacity crowd: "Weasel!" Listen to them, I told you they all know his name. :'''Jesse''': Yeah, and I know that you instigated it, Monsoon. You sit down and quit waving at 'em to start that up! Pay attention to your job instead of picking sides! <hr width="50%"> :'''Jesse''': ''[as Haku tags Bobby Heenan]'' And here comes Heenan. :'''Gorilla''': Yeah sure. :'''Jesse''': There you go. :'''Gorilla''': Yeah, he wants in when somebody's in trouble. ''[Heenan kicks Marty Jannetty before getting punched in the gut and quickly tags Arn Anderson]'' Oh, did you see that?! Give me a break. :'''Jesse''': Hey he got in, did the damage, and got out. :'''Gorilla''': Did what damage? :'''Jesse''': Kicked him in the nuts. :'''Gorilla''': Please. <hr width="50%"> :''[Bobby Heenan is in there alone in the ring with the Ultimate Warrior]'' :'''Gorilla''': Look at the Warrior just waiting for the right opportunity. Uh-oh... ''[Camera pans to Heenan looking terrified]'' Look at ''that'' look. That's worth a thousand words. :'''Jesse''': You're loving this ain't you, Monsoon? :'''Gorilla''': I am. :'''Jesse''': You're just eating this up, aren't you? :'''Gorilla''': I am. :'''Jesse''': The Warrior can beat up a manager. :'''Gorilla''': You said he was a intricate part of this team. Now he can show me that he is. == [[w:Survivor Series (1990)|1990]] == :'''Gorilla Monsoon''': The Ultimate Warrior has worked his way to the Grand Finale, Rod. :'''Rowdy Roddy Piper''': The idea here — how do you become a survivor? You need to be a leftover! It's Thanksgiving! <hr width=50%/> :'''Million Dollar Man Ted DiBiase''': Like I've said a million times before, everybody's got a price for the Million Dollar Man, so without further ado, I will introduce to you now my mystery partner. Led to the ring by his manager Brother Love, weighing in at 320 pounds, from Death Valley, I give you THE UNDERTAKER! :'''Gorilla''': The Undertaker, the mystery partner is now revealed. :'''Piper''': I've never heard of him. :'''Gorilla''': ''[seeing the Undertaker walking to the ring]'' Oh, take a look! :'''Piper''': Holy cow! Look at the size of that hamhock! Check out them drumsticks, baby! :'''Gorilla''': 320 pounds, looks to be 6'9", 6'10", somewhere in that neighborhood, Rod. :'''Piper''': 6...6'10", I don't know, it's hard to tell from here. Holy cow. :'''Gorilla''': Look at the look on the face. :'''Piper''': I don't...you think it's his coffee? Doesn't look like he's having a good time. You think he'd steal the gold out of your teeth? :'''Gorilla''': There's only supposed to be four members on a team; this guy makes four and a half, maybe five. <hr width=50%/> :'''Piper''': We don't wanna see quitters here, we wanna see real men! And real men wear kilts! <hr width=50%> :'''Piper''': It's the first time I've been wrong since '54. <hr width=50%> :'''Piper''': ''[on Jake Roberts]'' At this point, I hate to see the man get hurt. But there comes a point where you just maybe wanna see him get pinned so he don't get hurt anymore. :'''Gorilla''': Well, you'll have to pin him 'cause he's not gonna quit, Hot Rod. :'''Piper''': He's too much of a... :'''Gorilla''': ''[as Jake hits a DDT on the Warlord]'' Oh, look at this! DDT! :'''Piper''': YES! :'''Gorilla''': He nailed the big guy! :'''Piper''': YES! :''[Jake crawls for the pin, but referee Mike Chioda is distracted.]'' :'''Gorilla''': ''[as Rick Martel sprays Arrogance at Jake, forcing him off the Warlord]'' Oh, look at Martel. :'''Piper''': Did he get him? :'''Gorilla''': No, Jake saw it coming, he turned his head, Hot Rod. :'''Piper''': Alright. :'''Gorilla''': But the referee didn't see any of that action. :'''Piper''': ''[as Jake releases Damian from his bag]'' He's got a partner! He found a partner! :'''Gorilla''': Can you blame him? :''[Jake chases Rick out of the ring to the back]'' :'''Piper''': Not at all! :'''Gorilla''': Look at Martel, scared to death! And Jake right on his tail! Hobbling, limping, but still going after him! :'''Piper''': Martel, you coward, you did the least in there! :''[At this point, Hercules, Paul Roma, and Slick have joined the Warlord in the ring]'' :'''Gorilla''': Referee's counting. Warlord, of course, the legal man in the ring, and Jake the Snake. ''[Chioda finishes the count and calls for the bell]'' Oh, he's out. I don't think he was worried about being counted out, Hot Rod. He wanted a piece of Martel. :'''Howard Finkel''': Ladies and gentlemen, Jake "The Snake" Roberts has been counted out. Therefore, the winning survivors are the entire team of the Visionaries! :'''Gorilla''': Oh, the entire team of the Visionaries have made it to the Grand Finale. :'''Piper''': Including... :'''Gorilla''': Including the Model, of course. The whole team, the first time in the history of the Survivor Series that an entire team has made it. :'''Piper''': Martel would be there, but right now, he's running down Main Street Hartford. <hr width=50%/> :'''Gorilla''': With all the excitement, I almost forgot about that humongous egg that's gonna hatch here. :'''Piper''': The last time I saw an egg that size when Milli Vanilli laid it. <hr width=50%/> :'''Piper''': The Russians give us Nikolai Volkoff, we give the Russians MTV and 2 Live Crew. There's a fair exchange, huh? <hr width=50%/> :'''Mean Gene Okerlund''': I wanted to point out to you and your cohorts that the Survivor Series is being shown around the world to our armed forces. They are gonna be seeing you in action here tonight against the Alliance, and especially those great guys and gals who are serving our country proudly in the Persian Gulf, and by the way, they find you and your commanding officer despicable. :'''Sgt. Slaughter''': Despicable?! :'''Mean Gene''': Yes! Despicable. :'''Sgt. Slaughter''': Stand at attention, you puke. Shut that hole and listen up! And all you maggots out there, listen up! Despicable is saluting the red, white & blue! I, Sgt. Slaughter, salute one flag, and that flag is the banner of that brave Iraqi nation! :'''Mean Gene''': You've gotta be kidding me! :'''Sgt. Slaughter''': You know what, pukeface? Today, my Mercenaries and I sat down to a beautiful, hot, delicious turkey dinner with all the trimmings, and we didn't have to worry about swatting any desert flies away from the table; and we didn't have the smell of camel dung in the air when we chewed our food and swallowed it; but best of all, we didn't have any sand in our pumpkin pie! What did all of you American gung-ho soldiers out there in Saudi Arabia have in your K-ration can today? Hot turkey sandwich?! :'''Mean Gene''': You call yourself an American? You've got to be kidding. :'''Sgt. Slaughter''': President Bush, take some advice from Sgt. Slaughter before you send your troops into battle against President Saddam Hussein: Always think twice because the Iraqi Army soldier is just like the Mercenaries and Sgt. Slaughter — we take no prisoners and we are survivors, and THAT'S AN ORDER! You're dismissed. :'''Gorilla''': What a despicable piece of garbage. :'''Piper''': You pig! You pig! You know why he got kicked out of the service? For saying "Shazam!" too much. :... :'''Piper''': If these boys don't finish them off, I'm grabbing his butt, I'll take him over to the Persian Gulf and let our troops have a go at him! Let's see what kind of drill sergeant he is! You're nothing but a pig, you hang around with pigs, and you ain't got enough guts to eat a can of K-rations! I would rather eat K rations that eat turkey with you, you pig! <hr width=50%/> :'''Sean Mooney''': Gentlemen, I must say the odds look to be stacked against you in the Grand Finale Match of Survival. Hulkster, it is your team of three against their five. :'''Hulk Hogan''': Well, you know something, little dude. We're not too worried about the odds being stacked against us, you know. The way I count this thing, brother, it's those five over there against the Warrior, my man Tito Santana, the stark raving Hulkster, and millions and millions of those little Hulkamaniacs out there, brother. You know, this is what it's all about, brother. I've been around the WWF for quite some time now, and the Hulkster has always ruled. But never before have I seen such intensity in a man like the Ultimate Warrior, brother, to rise to the top so fast, to take it all the way, and to have so many little Warriors following him, brother. And as far as Tito Santana goes, brother, me and the Arriba Man have been around since day one. And as far as I'm concering, me, Tito, the Ultimate Warrior, we're gonna survive this thing, brother. :'''Tito Santana''': This is what it's all about, baby! The Grand Finale! Million Dollar Man, the Visionaries, you turkeys! We are reason for one reason: to survive, baby, the Grand Finale! :'''Ultimate Warrior''': We have taken this many footsteps to get this far! The Hulkamaniacs that made the sacrifice, and the Warriors that follow me that fell like skeletons that made their sacrifices! They walk with us into this battle, and we take all of those that believe in one purpose: to do combat with those that believe they are the greatest! You, Power & Glory, a reminder that we feed off such things! And you, Rick "The Model" Martel, no competition to the powers that we possess! In Hulkamania, in Warrior Wildness, and Arribaderci! :'''Hogan''': You know, the way I feel about it, dudes, this is the eleventh hour, and we are walking that fine razor's edge between greatness or disaster. And the way things stack up, with all those Hulkamaniacs, with everything running wild out there, brother, there's no way they're gonna beat us. The energy, the focus, the mind, body, and soul. What you gonna do when our team survives and wipes out you dudes out there?! == [[w:Survivor Series (1991)|1991]] == :'''Jack Tunney''': ''[making a statement from when Jake Roberts's king cobra bit Randy Savage in the arm.]'' With the tragic events of this past weekend still fresh in all our minds, I accept full responsibility for allowing such a potentally dangerous reptile at ringside. I will accept Jake Roberts' explanation at face value that this was indeed an accident and he had led to believe that his king cobra had indeed been devenomized by the lab. However, resting upon my shoulders is the welfare of everyone here in the World Wrestling Federation. Therefore, effective immediately, the king cobra and all reptiles are barred from ringside. In addition, after careful consoltation with the Macho Man Randy Savage and his doctor, it is my decision that he is reinstated immediately and that a match between Randy Savage and Jake Roberts be sanctioned at the earliest possible date, which will be this coming Tuesday Night in Texas. Therefore, Jake Roberts will not be a participant in the Survivor Series. Instead, the Legion of Doom and Big Boss Man will face the Natural Disasters and I.R.S in a three-on-three tag team encounter. <hr width=50%/> :'''Bobby "The Brain" Heenan''': ''[Regarding Davey Boy Smith]'' Million dollar body, ten cent mind and Whoopi Goldberg's hairdo <hr width="50%"> :'''Gorilla Monsoon''': ''[after Piper kisses Sherri, who was not supposed to be at ringside]'' The referee's finally realized that she was out there, not supposed to be, she's on her way out of there. :'''Bobby''': Know where she's going? She's going to get a tetanus shot. :'''Gorilla''': I hope so. :'''Bobby''': If Piper kissed you, you'd have to have shots too, Monsoon. Well, maybe not, I don't know. <hr width=50%/> :'''Bobby''': There's gonna be a lot of trouble there in the Macho household. :'''Gorilla''': What are you talking about? :'''Bobby''': Well, he's been reinstated, right? He can wrestle again. :'''Gorilla''': Yes. :'''Bobby''': Who's gonna do the dishes? <hr width="50%"> :''[During the Team Piper vs. Team Flair match]'' :'''Gorilla''': Six remaining, and they're all in there. ''[Piper whips Flair into the corner, who flips over the top and onto the floor]'' Flair into the corner, up and over the top and out. He's the legal man out. :'''Bobby''': Hold my jacket! :'''Gorilla''': Where're you going? :'''Bobby''': I think I have to go down there and help him out. :'''Gorilla''': Oh, please. :'''Bobby''': Well, if you insist, I'll stay here. :''[The referee, failing to contain the battle of the five men in the ring, calls for the bell]'' :'''Gorilla''': Referee calling for the bell to ring here. Disqualification perhaps, or count-out. ''[The action spills out to the floor. As this happens, Flair re-enters the ring.]'' I know Flair's the legal man out there. :'''Bobby''': Well, they shouldn't disqualify him. They disqualify Piper? Who'd they disqualify? :'''Gorilla''': Why don't you just wait a minute? Somebody's gonna be sent out of here. :'''Bobby''': I think Piper gave up. I think he quit and said, "I've had enough." I'm not sure what happened. There're bodies all over the place. :'''[[w:Howard Finkel|Howard Finkel]]''': Ladies and gentlemen, here is the referee's official decision. :'''Gorilla''': Here it comes. :'''Howard''': ''[cont'd]'' He has disqualified every participant that was battling in the ring except for one man who is the sole survivor and the winner: Ric Flair! :'''Gorilla''': How on Earth could he do that?! ''[Piper attacks Flair, sending him out of the ring]'' Piper not too happy about it. :'''Bobby''': Doesn't matter. The winner of the first tag match at ''Survivor Series'', the ''real'' world's champion, Ric Flair! Now give me one, Monsoon! WOOOOO!!! :'''Gorilla''': I'd like to give you one. <hr width=50%/> :'''Bobby''': Right here in Jim Louis Arena. :'''Gorilla''': Joe Louis! :'''Bobby''': Joe Louis, sorry. :'''Gorilla''': Who's Jim Louis? :'''Bobby''': Who's Joe Louis? <hr width=50%/> :'''Gorilla''': Brain, if you keep quiet, no one will know how stupid you are. :'''Bobby''': You're kidding. <hr width=50%/> :'''Bobby''': It's four against four. Do you realize Duggan's looking across the ring and sees eight? <hr width=50%/> :'''Mean Gene Okerlund''': All right, Jake "The Snake" Roberts, these people saw what happened this weekend, I saw it, and millions around the world had an opportunity to see what took place. You said it was an accident. :'''Jake "The Snake" Roberts''': Trust me, it was. :'''Gene''': You said that snake had been devenomized by the lab. :'''Jake''': Cross my heart and hope to die, that's what I was told. :'''Gene''': You know, Jake Roberts, do you realize how much anguish you have caused the Macho Man Randy Savage and Miss Elizabeth, the torture that these... :'''Jake''': Yeah, it excited me a bit. Yeah, I thought about it for a long time. :'''Gene''': You are a sick man, Jake Roberts. :'''Jake''': Thank you very much. :'''Gene''': You know, there are many who say that Jack Tunney should have 86'ed you for your actions, you should be out of the World Wrestling Federation altogether! You're very fortunate to have an opportunity to meet the Macho Man Randy Savage one-on-one, This Tuesday in Texas, and I, for one, can hardly wait. :'''Jake''': Is that right? :'''Gene''': That's right. :'''Jake''': You know, let's start off by saying this. You're trying to cast me as the original sinner; well, I spoke to God this morning, and he said he doesn't like you. So let's point the finger at somebody else besides me. Let's point the finger at the people that voted for Savage, let's point the finger at Jack Tunney, let's point the finger at the World Wrestling Federation, not at me. :'''Gene''': You know, when you take a look at everything, the one-on-one match-up between you and the Macho Man Randy Savage, all of a sudden now, there is a very interesting hook to all of this—the fact that there will be no reptiles allowed at ringside, and that means no snakes in the bag. :'''Jake''': You know, it's hard to believe after six years, you people haven't caught on yet. The thing in the bag was simply a toy, something for me to amuse myself with. I've always been the snake you should worry about, and for six years you haven't caught on. It surprises me that anyone, even you, can be that ignorant. :'''Gene''': You laugh. :'''Jake''': Yeah, I laugh. Because Tuesday in Texas, Elizabeth, you have a ticket. You have a one-way ticket, a one-way ticket, Elizabeth. So don't be shy, sweetheart, let's use it, huh? You show up. A one-way ticket to the other side, if you will. Because this Tuesday in Texas...princess, don't expect the prince to be there to wake you up with a kiss, because you see...Tuesday in Texas is not the end, it is not the beginning, it's not even the beginning of the end, yet the end of the beginning. <hr width="50%"> :'''Gorilla''': Undertaker trying to rip the face off the Hulkster. :'''Bobby''': What a rip-off, huh? Well, Detroit's known for hockey, so that would be a face-off. :'''Gorilla''': Will you stop! <hr width="50%"> :'''Bobby''': ''[after Paul Bearer chokes Hogan a second time]'' I'll tell you, this monitor just keeps kickin' in, kickin' out. :'''Gorilla''': I'm gonna start kickin' ''you'' in and out in a minute! <hr width="50%"> :'''Gorilla''': ''[after Hogan nails Flair on the outside]'' Whoa! He said "What are you doing here?" and unloads! :'''Bobby''': Why did Hogan have to go touch Flair? Flair never touched the ring! <hr width="50%"> :'''Gorilla''': Look at this! ''[Flair places a steel chair in front of the Undertaker and he tombstones Hogan on it]'' Flair with a chair, a steel chair! Oh! He got piledrived, right through the steel chair! :'''Bobby''': Wait a minute... one, two... :'''Gorilla''': ''[as the referee and Bobby count]'' Come on! Get out! :'''Bobby''': WE'VE GOT A NEW WORLD CHAMPION! WE GOT A NEW WORLD WRESTLING FEDERATION CHAMPION! WOOOOO! :'''Gorilla''': What a miscarriage of justice! :'''Bobby''': I told you so! :'''Howard''': Ladies and gentlemen, the winner of this bout and NEW World Wrestling Federation Champion: The Undertaker! :'''Gorilla''': This is horrendous! Three guys it took—it took the Undertaker, Paul Bearer, and Ric Flair to beat Hulk Hogan! :'''Bobby''': Hulkamania is dead! It is dead! Long live the Undertaker! :'''Gorilla''': Walkin onto here as the new World Wrestling Federation champion, but not deservedly so, The Undertaker. :'''Bobby''': Look at his eyes, look at his eyes! The man is possessed! :'''Gorilla''': I suppose you thought that was fair Brain. :'''Bobby''': Does it matter what I think? :'''Gorilla''': It doesn't, huh? :'''Bobby''': There is a World Wrestling Federation new world champion. Hulkamania is dead! <hr width="50%"> :'''Gorilla''': WWF officials in the ring right now checking on the Hulkster, obviously knocked silly, knocked unconscious as Ric Flair slipped that steel chair underneath the bottom rope, allowing the Undertaker to piledrive the Hulkster's head right into it. :'''Bobby''': Well, had Hogan not gone outside the ring and put a hand on Ric Flair, the real World's champion, maybe he'd be standing right now. Maybe the match'd still be going right now. Maybe he'd be World Wrestling Federation Champion right now. But no, Hogan. You wanna live by your own rules. "Hulk rules," right? There's what Hulk rules, his back on the mat, no gold, no belt, and all these little punk Hulkamaniacs crying their eyes out! I love it, Hulkamania's been buried and it's dead! :'''Gorilla''': Brain, give me a break. What business from the get-go did Ric Flair have down at ringside during this title match?! :'''Bobby''': I don't know. :'''Gorilla''': Oh you don't know. "I don't know." That's your standard out—"I don't know." :'''Bobby''': You ask ''him'' if he... :'''Gorilla''': He's the one responsible for this title change! <hr width="50%"> :'''Gene''': Roddy Piper, you saw what happened! You tell me! :'''Rowdy Roddy Piper''': All right, man. It be a bad day in the WWF. They say ''anything'' can happen in the Survivor Series in the WWF, and it has. The Undertaker, the new WWF Champion, you Addams Family reject! I just saw Hogan down there, he got red in his eyes, he got hair on his teeth, screaming "Tunney! Tunney!" Where are you now, Tunney! You saw what happened. Oh, and Lurch's new-found friend, Cousin Itt, Ric Flair running down there. You're a real handy guy when someone's got his back turned! Ding-dong! Ding-dong! We're hearing the bell, Undertaker. Ding-dong! Flair, we're hearing the bell! As far as I'm concerned, when it comes to the Undertaker becoming the WWF Champ with the help of Ric Flair, ain't no different than David Duke becoming Prez. We hear the bells, and we be coming. Ding-dong. <hr width="50%"> :'''Gene''': Never in my life have I seen anything quite so disgusting! Quite so despicable. As a matter of fact Jack Tunney, It's a travesty! And I want to know what you're going to do about it. :'''Tunney''': Gene, not withstanding what actually occurred this evening in the gravest challenge, the referee's decision is final. :'''Gene''': That's wrong! :'''Tunney''': And cannot be challenged by me. However, it is well within my authority to order a rematch at the earliest possible date. Therefore, it is my decision that the Undertaker meet Hulk Hogan in a rematch for the World Wrestling Federation title this Tuesday in Texas. :'''Gene''': Amen. :'''Tunney''': And furthermore, I will physically be at ringside to ensure a fair and just outcome. :'''Gene''': President Jack Tunney, you have acted very quickly. I know it's a difficult decision but I certainly concur and look forward to this Tuesday night. <hr width=50%/> :'''Gorilla''': I have trouble telling the Beverly's apart. :'''Bobby''': Beau's the one with the blond hair. <hr width=50%/> :'''Bobby''': What a night this is for me. And tomorrow, I'm having a bunch of guests over to my home in Beverly Hills, turkey for everyone, only 8 bucks a head at the door. <hr width=50%/> :'''Gorilla''': Marty Jannetty, in picking up one of the Nasty Boys, accidentally kicked his own partner right in the face with the legs of the Nasty Boy. Shawn really bent out of shape here, furious with Marty Jannetty, and Marty Jannetty saying...Marty doesn't even know what happened. :'''Bobby''': Well, I'll tell you, it's like I was reading in WWF Magazine, there's dissension between the Rockers. You know, they've hated each other... :'''Gorilla''': They did not! Will you stop, that's not true! :'''Bobby''': They don't get along at all! They're both prima donnas! :'''Gorilla''': They are not! :'''Bobby''': The rumors about them are true! :'''Gorilla''': What rumors? :'''Bobby''': That they can't stand each other, in the World Wrestling Federation Magazine. Don't you read that publication?! I have my own column in it, I read it every month! :'''Gorilla''': All you do is look at the pictures! I don't think you ''can'' read! <hr width=50%/> :'''Gorilla''': Well, it's all gonna happen This Tuesday in Texas, Brain. The big one. Newly crowned World Wrestling Federation Champion, the Undertaker, his first title defense against the former Champion, the Hulkster. What an opportunity for him to become 4-time, unprecedented, holder of the WWF Title. :'''Bobby''': Is that gonna be something, when they play that "Real American" music, and he walks to the ring without the belt? :'''Gorilla''': And also, the Macho Man Randy Savage... :'''Bobby''': Oh, yeah, with Elizabeth. :'''Gorilla''': ...back inside the ring to face Jake "The Snake" Roberts. ''[Checking headset]'' What's that? Yes? Oh, we have found, we have located... :'''Bobby''': ''[checking his headset]'' Hello? :'''Gorilla''': Mean Gene Okerlund, we understand he has found the Undertaker. ''[Bobby takes out his headset and picks up the phone]'' Gene Okerlund, where are you? :''[Cut to Mean Gene in a dark place]'' :'''Mean Gene''': I'm not quite certain, Gorilla Monsoon. However, I must say I feel very uncomfortable here in the catacombs, in the bowels, if you will, of Joe Louis Arena where I have finally found the new World Wrestling Federation Champion, the Undertaker. Manager Paul Bearer, you cannot be happy with the decision of President Jack Tunney ordering the rematch This Tuesday in Texas with your man, the Undertaker, facing the Immortal Hulk Hogan. :'''Paul Bearer''': Oh, Mr. Okerlund, nothing is immortal, not even Hulkamania. Hulkamania died right here this very evening, oh yes. And normally, Mr. Okerlund, when something dies, you hold the services almost immediately, but not in the case of Hulkamania. We'll hold him over, yes, right in the embalming room of my funeral parlor. And sometime between now and Tuesday, we will eviscerate him. Oh, yes. Eviscerate his bluing flesh. Oh, that stench. :'''Undertaker''': We warned you what was in store for Hulk Hogan. And now, Mr. Okerlund, let me enlighten you what we have in store for Hulkamania. ''[Opens the coffin]'' Look into the coffin. Look, Mr. Okerlund. Look. Hulkamania, it died at Survivor Series. Now, the only thing left is this Tuesday. ''[Closes the lid]'' The burial. == [[w:Survivor Series (1992)|1992]] == :'''Macho Man Randy Savage''': Allow me to introduce my perfect tag team partner: Mr. Perfect, oooohhh yeahhhh!!! :'''Vince McMahon''': Take a look at this, Bobby Heenan! :'''Bobby "The Brain" Heenan''': This is turning my stomach. :'''Vince''': Come on! Where is he? Where's Mr. Perfect? Where's the Macho Man's tag team partner? :'''Bobby''': He took a hike! :'''Vince''': He to... ''[Perfect enters]'' There he is! :'''Bobby''': There he is, that no good backstabbing ingrate! Oh, you're gonna get it! You're gonna get it good! <hr width=50%/> :'''Bobby''': Perfect, you chew that gum with that arrogant smug look, but you may never see Thanksgiving tomorrow! You dirty, no good, rotten, lowlife, poor excuse for a human being! Razor, cut him up! Flair, slap that figure-four on and break both legs! They're not perfect, ''that's'' what's perfect! Savage, you picked yourself a loser. Listen to these humanoids — the audacity of them to cheer on a...shows you what society has come to. <hr width=50%/> :'''Vince''': Think about the Macho Man and the only perfect athlete in the WWF together. :'''Bobby''': What do you mean "the only perfect athlete"? :'''Vince''': You've said it many times before, I'm quoting you. :'''Bobby''': Well, I thought he was! But to be a perfect athlete, you have to be a perfect man, a man of integrity! When he turned on me, Flair and Ramon, he showed me so! He's not perfect! :'''Vince''': That doesn't take anything away from his athletic prowess, does it? :'''Bobby''': I believe it does! <hr width=50%/> :'''Sean Mooney''': With me now, the reigning Intercontinental Champion, Shawn Michaels. During the past month, we have witnessed an incredible turn of events in your life. Conspicuous by her absence, your manager Sensational Sherri, who right now is recovering from injuries she suffered during a confrontation ''you'' had with Marty Jannetty, and many believe it pushed you to save yourself to pull Sensational Sherri in front of... :'''"The Heartbreak Kid" Shawn Michaels''': ''[interrupting]'' That's a lie, that...is a bald-faced lie. :'''Sean''': Nonetheless, without your manager, less than two weeks ago, you captured the Intercontinental Title from what seemed to be an invincible British Bulldog, Davey Boy Smith. And tonight, here at the Survivor Series, you face a man many believe is the greatest scientific wrestler of all time, Bret "The Hitman" Hart. And he is indeed a fighting champion. During his short tenure, he has defended the title more than any man in World Wrestling Federation history. :'''Shawn''': You wanna talk history there, Sean Mooney? Let's talk a little history. Who is the man that beat Bret Hart at SummerSlam for the Intercontinental Title? :'''Sean''': The British Bulldog. :'''Shawn''': That's right. Now, who is the man that defeated the British Bulldog—quite easily, I might add—to become the new WWF Intercontinental Champion? :'''Sean''': Well, you did, everyone knows... :'''Shawn''': That's right, me. Now, for all you mathematical geniuses out there, 1 and 1 make 2. Two belts. See, when I signed for this match, Hitman, I knew I had nothing to lose and everything to gain. Your belt's on the line, mine stays right here. So tonight, all over the world, the last thing the people will hear is, "ladies and gentlemen, Shawn Michaels, the Intercontinental Champion...and ''new'' World Wrestling Federation Champion, has left the building." <hr width=50%/> :'''Mean Gene Okerlund''': All right, we have just heard from challenger, Intercontinental Champion Shawn Michaels. With me right now, the World Wrestling Federation Champion himself, Bret "the Hitman" Hart, bringing his scientific knowledge here to the Survivor Series. Bret Hart, I vividly recall recently up in your home country in Canada, Saskatoon, you defeated the Nature Boy Ric Flair and made World Wrestling Federation history. You did it with your patented, painful leg submission hold, the Sharpshooter. Since that time, you've embarked on a most ambitious series of title defenses. You've said "no" to no one; you've taken on all comers. I recall in two and a half week span of time, you met and defeated—get this lineup—the Mountie, the Berzerker, Rick "The Model" Martel, big Papa Shango. Most recently, you defeated Virgil. You did it with the Sharpshooter. Tonight, this title—your title, Bret Hart—the World Wrestling Federation Title is on the line as you meet Intercontinental Champion Shawn Michaels. :'''Bret "Hitman" Hart''': You know, Gene, Survivor Series and Thanksgiving have always been held in real close association. And everybody around the world knows that Thanksgiving is maybe the most special day for giving thanks. And nobody knows more about giving thanks than I do. As I stand before you right now, being the World Wrestling Federation champion, took me a long time to get this far, Gene. And Shawn Michaels, it's not about giving thanks for surviving one night. It's like surviving eight and a half years. That's what I've been doing, Shawn Michaels. I've been surviving a long time. I started out on the bottom, Shawn Michaels, of the World Wrestling Federation, I started out taking on everybody, clawing and fighting my way to the top, fighting my way through injuries, pain, all kinds of opponents. All kinds of shapes and sizes. And it didn't matter who it was, Shawn Michaels, I went through the tag teams, I went through the Intercontinental. But you know, Shawn Michaels, I've won a few, I've lost a few. But I'm right now, I'm at the highest. I am the World Wrestling Federation Champion, and I am proud of it. Shawn Michaels, you're a great wrestler, you got all kinds of great moves. And I got nothing but respect for you. You're gonna be a great Intercontinental Champion. But Shawn Michaels, tonight we're gonna find out who's gonna survive as the World Wrestling Federation champion. And the Excellence of Execution is feeling pretty excellent tonight. <hr width=50%/> :'''Bobby''': ''[as Shawn Michaels tries to grab Bret Hart's hair]'' You can't yank ''that'' hair. 65 pounds of oil in it. <hr width=50%/> :'''Bobby''': He is on fire. He's white hot. This man is hot. :'''Vince''': The Hitman Bret Hart is indeed, I agree with you. :'''Bobby''': You bet. No, I'm talking about Shawn Michaels! Don't you ever pay attention to me? == [[w:Survivor Series (1993)|1993]] == :'''Bobby "The Brain" Heenan''': You know why the Kid's not doing well? Look at the time! Its half an hour past his bed time! <hr width=50%/> :'''Bobby''': That's surviving, McMahon. :'''Vince McMahon''': Pardon me, that's cheating. :'''Bobby''': Well, cheating and surviving go hand in hand. <hr width=50%/> :'''Bobby''': Have you ever cheated somebody? :'''Vince''': Of course not. :'''Bobby''': You shoud try it! It's a ball! :'''Vince''': Bobby Heenan... <hr width=50%/> :'''Vince''': Oh come on, ref... :'''Bobby''': What, do you want to referee now too? You wanna be president of the World Wrestling Federation? <hr width=50%/> :'''Bobby''': A good big man will always beat a small little punk. :'''Vince''': I don't know if I've ever heard it put quite that way, Bobby Heenan... <hr width=50%/> :'''Vince''': ''(Adam Bomb and Rick Martel are obviously cheating)'' Come on ref, open your eyes! :'''Bobby''': Hey, he's doing a great job! :'''Vince''': Is that you call teamwork, Bobby Heenan? :'''Bobby''': Yes I do, what do you call teamwork? ''(disgusted)'' Fair tags? Life isn't fair, McMahon. <hr width=50%/> :'''Vince''': Razor Ramon might just be the WWF superstar of the year! :'''Bobby''': Am I still in the running? <hr width=50%/> :'''Bobby''': Come on, tear his leg out of his socket! :'''Vince''': Stop it, Bobby Heenan! <hr width=50%/> :'''Vince''': What heart this young man has! :'''Bobby''': So kick him in the heart. <hr width=50%/> :'''"The Heartbreak Kid" Shawn Michaels''': Aw, gee, can you imagine that? I upset the Hart family. I feel so bad about that. I got news for you. If I had a mom and dad that looked like that, I'd have put 'em six feet under a long time ago, whether those hearts were still pumping or not. And I got news for you. Bret "The Hitman" Hart, you and I have a history. I got a little something to settle with you anyway after what happened last Survivor Series. But you know, something's a little bit different — I still got my gold, and you got nothing. And what else do I have? I got three knights that I handpicked myself. What's he got? He's got his little brother, "The Rocket" Owen Hart; and he's got another brother, a fireman — I got something for the fireman, I'm so hot you can't put me out — and the other guy? He's a substitute schoolteacher. I don't need anybody teaching me anything, I know it all. Hart family, you guys are going down where your mom and your dad oughta be. And if that old man sticks his nose in my business, I'm gonna waffle him upside the head and somehow make him uglier than he already is. <hr width=50%/> :'''Bobby''': (after Ross and Wayne Hart are introduced) That's what it is. (sniffing) I thought it was zoo dirt. <hr width=50%/> :'''Bobby''': (on Ray Combs) Are you sure that's not Wink Martindale? <hr width=50%/> :'''Vince''': There are 20 Hart family members here at ringside tonight. :'''Bobby''': And Helen just gave birth to 8 of them. <hr width=50%/> :'''Vince''': Stu Hart last wrestled at the Boston Garden in 1945. :'''Bobby''': No you're wrong about that. 1845. He was at the tail end of his career. <hr width=50%/> :'''Bobby''': Ray, you know the movie ''Sleepless in Seattle'' starring Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan? Stu and Helen are going to remake the movie. They're going to meet eye to eye over a bowl of prunes and call it ''Senile in Seattle''. <hr width=50%/> :'''Bobby''': Excuse me one minute. (yelling) Hey Stu (Hart), wake up! He fell asleep. :'''Vince''': He's gonna wake up. He's gonna come over here, Bobby. :'''Bobby''': That'll take two hours. We'll be off the air. <hr width=50%/> :'''Bobby''': ''(On Bruce Hart)'' His name is Bruce, right? What a stupid name. You have nine months, and you come up with "Bruce"? <hr width=50%/> :'''Bobby''': ''(On being told Keith Hart is a fireman)'' Keith is a fireman? He's more like the spotted dog that rides on the back of the truck! <hr width=50%/> :'''Bobby''': ''(On the hooded Blue Knight)'' This Blue Knight's really put together, huh? I know who he is! :'''Vince''': Alright, who is he? :'''Bobby''': Oh, I can't tell YOU. <hr width=50%/> :'''Ray Combs''': Say Bobby, I think you should wear a mask like the Knights. :'''Bobby''': I should? :'''Combs''': Uh huh, as a public service. <hr width=50%/> :'''Bobby''': You know, the Hart family is known as the cowards of Canada. :'''Vince''': What do you mean, the cowards of Canada? :'''Bobby''': That's just what I hear from people. <hr width=50%/> :'''Bobby''': ''(On Stu Hart)'' I asked Stu earlier, I asked him, you gotta be proud of your boys. He said, "I have boys?" <hr width=50%/> :'''Bobby''': ''(Things break down in the ring and everyone starts fighting)'' Oh, it's just like dinner time at the Hart house. <hr width=50%/> :'''Bobby''': Now, wouldn't you classify 20 members of the Hart family living together as a ghetto? <hr width=50%/> :'''Bobby''': Stu just yelled over to Helen, "Helen, I'm damp". What does that mean? :'''Vince''': Bobby Heenan, you're a bad man. You owe the entire Hart family an apology, as well as our audience. <hr width=50%/> :'''Bobby''': ''(The Red Knight kicks the fireman Keith Hart away from behind)'' Oh! He kicked the fireman right in his backdraft! <hr width=50%/> :'''Combs''': ''(On Keith Hart)'' You know, that little man out there is man who goes out and risks his life every day. :'''Bobby''': Eating dinner at the Hart house is risking your life every day! <hr width=50%/> :'''Bobby''': I hope the director doesn't show the Hart family anymore. :'''Vince''': Why's that? :'''Bobby''': The phone'll be ringing off the hook over at America's Most Wanted! :'''Combs''': I think they oughta start a show for you family. :'''Bobby''': Oh yeah? What would they call it? :'''Combs''': America's Most Unwanted. <hr width=50%/> :'''Bobby''': You know, all the Hart daughters look like the mom. I mean, the same age, like they're going on 85, 87... :'''Vince''': You are an unkind man, Bobby Heenan. :'''Bobby''': Her face could hold an 8 day rain with all those wrinkles! <hr width=50%/> :'''Bobby''': ''(On Stu Hart's jacket, which has a picture of a bear on the back)'' Oh look! He's got a picture of Helen on the back of his jacket, isn't that nice... <hr width=50%/> :''[After Owen Hart is eliminated]'' :'''Bobby''': Shawn! Shawn! ''(throws a bottle of water to Shawn)'' :'''Combs''': He's hanging-- You can't really give him water Bobby! :'''Bobby''': I didn't. Someone from behind me threw it. <hr width=50%/> :'''Bobby''': ''(about Mabel)'' Mabel with all that hair and makeup on. Are you sure that's not Oprah Winfrey? :'''Vince''': Would you be serious, Bobby Heenan? :'''Bobby''': Oh that's right. She's dropped down to about 350. <hr width=50%/> :'''Vince''': We still don't know who Shawn Michaels' Knights were- :'''Bobby''': I do! :'''Vince''': Sure, of course you do, but you're not telling. <hr width=50%/> :'''Vince''': Mabel is huge, Bobby Heenan! :'''Bobby''': Well, if you wolfed down 65 turkeys, you'd put on a few pounds too. <hr width=50%/> :'''Bobby''': ''(Afa is chewing on... something.)'' Look at Afa! He's eating the carcass of a... wow, this is Jurassic Park, isn't it! <hr width=50%/> :'''Bobby''': What's that smell? :'''Vince''': That's Bastion Booger, I believe. :'''Bobby''': WOW! ... I thought it was just Boston. <hr width=50%/> :'''Vince''': Whoomp, there it is! :'''Bobby''': Whoopsie, there it is. <hr width=50%/> :'''Bobby''': The ring is a mess. It's like the table when Bastion Booger eats! <hr width=50%/> :''[At the end of the four Doinks match]'' :'''Vince''': This is a cartoon! Forget about Looney Tunes. Forget about Hanna Barbera. They've got nothing on the WWF! :'''Bobby''': Not tonight! :'''Vince''': Not tonight! :'''Bobby''': This looks like a match Chief Jay Strongbow should've wrestled in. :... :'''Bobby''': There's confetti on the floor, there's bananas on the floor, there's turkey carcasses on the floor, there's bananas in the ring, there's skins in the ring. There's a drumstick, there's a wing, there's a gizzard. :'''Vince''': Where's a gizzard? :'''Bobby''': I feel like I'm at Dahmer's house. <hr width=50%/> :'''[[w:Todd Pettengill|Todd Pettengill]]''': Thanksgiving Eve, live from the Boston Garden, an American tradition. I am standing in the middle of the Foreign Fanatics' contigency on this American eve, Thanksgiving, after all, the celebration of America and all the victories we've had in this country... :'''[[w:Jim Cornette|Jim Cornette]]''': Yeah. :'''Todd''': Quite simply, your denigration policy across this country at this time specifically was not very well planned, Jim. :'''Jim''': Pettengill, first of all, you don't know the meaning of half of those words you just spit out, you were looking them up all night in [[w:Funk & Wagnalls|Funk & Wagnalls]]. Second of all, we haven't denigrated anybody, we're upholding a fine American tradition: be winners at any cost, and that's exactly what we are. We're winners, and we'd do anything to win. And thirdly, there's a fine old American tradition — carving up a turkey on Thanksgiving Eve, and that's what we're going to do. We're gonna carve up four of them. Now everybody's been asking, everybody's been wondering since this match was announced: "what is your strategy? How are you going to fight the All-Americans? Is it gonna be divide and conquer? Are you going to mount a frontal assault, an all-out attack?" Well, let me just say this. We've sat down and we've thought about this. The All-Americans — we look at them like one man, because they fight together, they stand together, they think as one. They're a unit, so how do you take a man out? Well, you can go for the mind, you can go for the heart, or you can go for the soul. Now, the heart of the All-Americans is the Steiner Brothers. They got a never-say-die attitude, they'll fight to the end; but you give a blow to the heart, it can be devestating. Now the mind, the mind is the Undertaker, because he's the master of fear, the master of psychology, the master of the psych-out; but if you take away a man's mind, he's confused, he's disoriented, and you can easily take him out. Then there's the soul, and the soul of the All-Americans is Lex Luger. :'''Todd''': Team captain Lex Luger. :'''Jim''': He's the — shut up, Pettengill! — he's the embodiment of the American Dream, he's the spirit to succeed, victory against the odds. Lex Luger is the soul of the All-Americans, and when you capture a man's soul, then you've defeated him once and for all. And tonight, that's gonna be our strategy: mind, heart & soul. The All-Americans are going down in the Boston Garden tonight! :'''Todd''': Ladies and gentlemen, on Thanksgiving Eve, in the middle of the Foreign contingency, coming up next, it's the "Clash of the Superpowers." <hr width=50%/> :'''Bobby''': ''[on the Steiner Brothers]'' Graduates of the University of Wisconsin. :'''Vince''': The University of Michigan, Bobby Heenan. :'''Bobby''': I think they got their jackets on upside down. Anyone can graduate from Michigan. You could, even, a man who's hooked on phonics. <hr width=50%/> :'''Bobby''': Mr. Fuji, my hat goes off to you... if I had a hat. <hr width=50%/> :'''Bobby''': ''(Jacques hits a piledriver on Scott Steiner and covers him)'' It won't work. It won't work. ''(Steiner kicks out)'' :'''Vince''': Why wouldn't it work? :'''Bobby''': Because he dropped him on his head! There's nothing in there! <hr width=50%/> :'''Bobby''': Ok, so now it's three on... :'''Vince''': Two, it's three on two. :'''Bobby''': Three on two is five. :'''Vince''': ''(pause)'' That's right. You're the Brain, huh? You can add. :'''Bobby''': Well, I thought I'd tell you, you know, help you out. <hr width=50%/> :'''Vince''': Well, we have now have confirmation that Randy Savage has AGAIN been ejected from the building... :'''Bobby''': How does he keep getting in? Is he Batman? Is he hanging from the rafters? Does he swing in on a pole? <hr width=50%/> :'''Bobby''': ''(On Lex Luger fighting Yokozuna)'' This is like a Volkswagon fighting a Greyhound bus! <hr width=50%/> :'''Bobby''': You know, The Undertaker's gonna start a new basketball team. Yeah, it's for guys six feet and under. <hr width=50%/> :'''Bobby''': ''(Undertaker sits up after being slammed down by Yokozuna)'' HE'S NOT A HUMAN BEING! <hr width=50%/> :'''Bobby''': ''(Yokozuna slams Undertaker down harder)'' He can't get up from this, or I'm a weasel! <hr width=50%/> :'''Bobby''': ''(On Ludvig Borga)'' He'll beat you all day until he beats you, but he'll do it nonchalantly if he has to beat you 100 times. == [[w:Survivor Series (1994)|1994]] == :'''Gorilla Monsoon''': ''[on Jeff Jarrett's CD, "Ain't I Great"]'' I understand it's on the NAA label, Vince. :'''Vince McMahon''': The NAA label? What's that? :'''Gorilla''': Not available anywhere. <hr width=50%/> :'''Howard Finkel''': Ladies and gentlemen, the referee has counted all members of the Teamsters out of the ring. The winner and survivor of this bout: the Bad Guy, Razor Ramon! :'''Vince''': Imagine that if you would. Razor Ramon victorious against all odds. Shawn Michaels with one instruction too many. Shawn Michaels and Diesel with apparently a huge difference of opinion, one I'm not so sure can be repaired. <hr width=50%/> :'''"The Heartbreak Kid" Shawn Michaels''': You tell Big Daddy Cool, he needs a ride, try hitting the pavement! Hit the bricks! <hr width=50%/> :''[During the Bret Hart/Bob Backlund match; Bret is in the Crossface Chickenwing. Owen Hart, in Backlund's corner, is pleading with Helen Hart to throw in the towel for Hart.]'' :'''Vince''': Bret Hart, against all odds is somehow hanging on! Owen Hart, standing by with his mom and dad, watching Bret suffer in this hold! :'''Owen Hart''': ''[to Helen]'' Throw it in! You've gotta throw it in! :'''Gorilla''': ''[Helen takes the black towel from out of the grasp of Stu Hart. Stu attempts to stop her, but Helen throws it into the ring before he can do anything]'' OH NO! :'''Vince''': SHE THREW THE TOWEL IN! SHE THREW THE TOWEL IN! ''[The bell rings and Backlund releases the hold. Owen enters the ring and retrieves the towel. The referee then raises Backlund's hand in victory]'' And the towel has been thrown in! Oh no! ''[Owen, both towels in hand, runs backstage]'' But wait a minute! Wait a minute! I'm not going to believe this until there's an announcement. :'''Gorilla''': ''[Stu and Helen discuss what had happened, while Bret continue to rive in pain]'' Hitman is hurt, Vince, and hurt bad. :'''Vince''': ''[as referees check on Bret]'' Gorilla Monsoon, I think we have a new World Wrestling Federation Champion, and Helen Hart did what she had to do. :'''Gorilla''': What's a mother to do?! :'''Vince''': And... oh no. This can't be. ''[WWF officials arrive and help Stu and Helen get Bret out of the ring. Meanwhile Backlund is being offered the belt, and Backlund requests the belt be put around his waist]'' Can you believe this? Officials here in the WWF trying to help Bret back to the dressing room area. Imagine the anguish that Helen Hart and Stu must feel... :'''Gorilla''': Hitman... :'''Vince''': Imagine... because it was Helen Hart who finally yanked the towel out of Stu's hand and threw it in, and thus she ended the match, and thus she ended the reign of Bret Hart. Oh no. :'''Howard''': Ladies and Gentlemen, the winner of this contest, and NEW World Wrestling Federation Champion: Mr. Bob Backlund! :'''Vince''': ''[Over Finkel's announcement]'' Look at that! That's gotta break Bret Hart. That's gotta break his heart! <hr width=50%/> :'''Gorilla''': Well we've come full circle, eleven years has gone by, and Bob Backlund is once again the reigning World Wrestling Federation Champion. :'''Vince''': I can't believe it, I cannot believe it! Bob Backlund wears the World Wrestling Federation Championship! George Foreman did it in boxing; Bob Backlund has just done it at the same age, 45, in the World Wrestling Federation; and Backlund looking at his hands, his characteristic look, I don't know that ''he'' can even believe it. But the Hitman never quit. :... :'''Vince''': This is the new WWF Generation? I shudder to think! :'''Gorilla''': This is the flag-bearer now for the World Wrestling Federation? :'''Vince''': We're being told, not to cut Backlund's celebration short. Look at him, he's acting like he's 10 feet tall! Look at him. <hr width=50%/> :'''Todd Pettengill''': Obviously, we've just witnessed some...we thought you were having compassion for your brother. Vince McMahon said we're seeing the "true Owen Hart." This obviously was some sort of setup. :'''Owen''': A setup? You got it right, it was a setup! This is the greatest Thanksgiving of my life! And Mom and Dad? ''[Laughing]'' You fell right into my trap! You threw the towel in! And Bret, you're no longer the WWF Champion! Mr. Backlund is! And Bret, I could've beaten you before, but you cheated; but now you're nothing! You're below me, you're down there in the gutter, Bret! You're not a champion anymore, ''[sing-songy] you're a loser'', and I'm a king, and Bret, you're a nobody. I'm gonna be the WWF Tag Team Champion, I am gonna be a WWF Intercontinental Champion, and Bret, I am gonna be the WWF World Heavyweight Champion; and I, unlike you, will never quit, I will never surrender! You're a quitter, Bret! Mom and Dad threw in the towel, and you're history, Bret. And ''I'' am the best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be. Don't you forget it, ''brother''. Woo! :'''Todd''': Let's go back to ringside. ''[cut back to the commentary table]'' :'''Vince''': I can't believe it. :'''Gorilla''': What a creep! Unbelievable! I thought he was showing legitimate compassion! Tears were running down his face, Vince! :'''Vince''': I actually feel betrayed. I mean, for Owen Hart to...he was pleading with his mom and dad... :'''Gorilla''': How could you do that? :'''Vince''': ...and all along... :'''Gorilla''': How could you do that to your mother and father, and your brother? What kind of an ingrate...he's a worse individual than I thought he was. He's a creep, first-class. :'''Vince''': Well at any rate, we have a new WWF champion. :'''Gorilla''': A lot of folks crying out here. I don't blame them. You got to wonder what Stu and Helen are thinking right now. <hr width=50%/> :'''Todd''': I am standing with Bob Backlund. He did exactly what he said he was going to do. Agree or disagree with his tactics, he is now 2-time WWF Champion... :'''[[w:Bob Backlund|Bob Backlund]]''': ''[interrupting]'' Wait a minute, wait a minute. First of all, young man, it's ''Mr.'' Bob Backlund, and you're incorrect. I've been the Champion since 1978. I never lost the Championship. Tonight I just regained the belt, and I beat the man that represents your society! I beat him so I could save you! I'm going to scrutinize you to the fullest, pasteurize you, homogenize you, and synchronize you back into morality! You understand, ladies and gentlemen? It's sports-education! I'M YOUR CHAMPION! And I'll take on ''anybody''...anybody at all, ladies and gentlemen, in your generation, 'cause I'm fighting for something that's more important than anything in this world, is put morality back into your lives; and now your children have somebody that they can emulate after, and try to catch up to... 'CAUSE I FEEL LIKE '''''GOD!!!''''' == [[w:Survivor Series (1995)|1995]] == :'''Jim Ross''': As far as his popularity goes, The 1-2-3 Kid has gone from the penthouse to the outhouse. <hr width=50%/> :'''Vince McMahon''': Any individual who is as resilient as Michaels is, who's been knocked down so many times, and just keeps getting right back up. :'''Mr. Perfect''': Well, that just shows how stupid he is! :'''Vince''': Suffering a concussion recently in Syracuse as a result of a brutal attack, Michaels returns to the squared circle! Yeah, Shawn Michaels ready for action here, but will he survive in the tag-team elimination wild card match-up? It's gonna get wild here in a minute! :'''Jim''': Can you imagine, in a small room, putting Bill Clinton and Newt Gingrich—how would ''they'' get along? Even though they got one common goal, that's to balance the budget. That's exactly the charge that Shawn Michaels, Ahmed Johnson, Psycho Sid, and the British Bulldog have—to balance the budget. Can they get along? We're gonna find out. <hr width=50%/> :'''Mr. Perfect''': ''[on Ahmed Johnson]'' This guy's terrible. :'''Vince''': You just said you were impressed with Ahmed Johnson. :'''Mr. Perfect''': Eh, when he's up, he's good; when he's down, he's bad. == [[w:Survivor Series (1996)|1996]] == :'''[[w:Mick Foley|Mankind]]''': Don't worry, Uncle Paul. Think back to ''Buried Alive'', think back to, with his last dying gasp, how the Undertaker came to life. It doesn't bother me! Because I know, whatever form you take, Undertaker, you'll be crawling with your gasping breaths down the aisle at Madison Square Garden! And I will stomp you like the cockroaches I used to call dinner. And just like those lovely insects, at ''Survivor Series'', Undertaker, I'm gonna eat you alive! Have a nice day! <hr width=50%/> :'''Vince McMahon''': Here comes the bizarre one with Marlena. :'''[[w:Tammy Lynn Sytch|Sunny]]''': No, it's Marlena, followed by Goldust. Get it straight, big guy. Any self-respecting woman lets her man follow her. :'''Vince''': You don't smoke though, do you? :'''Sunny''': Oh God, no. I'm allergic...absolutely horrible. I'm as innocent and pure as I look. :'''Vince''': Wow... :'''Jim Ross''': Anyway, so much for truth in broadcasting. <hr width=50%> :'''Vince''': The King really hates this "Burger King" chant. :'''Sunny''': Well I bet you would like a "Vince, take off the toupee" chant huh? <hr width=50%/> :'''Sunny''': ''[as [[w:Triple H|Hunter Hearst Helmsley]] enters]'' Wins the gold, loses the chick? What's the deal with that? :'''Jim''': I think he's focused. :'''Sunny''': That's one word for it; stupid's another. :'''Jim''': Why would he want to have a woman at ringside with him anyway? What purpose would it serve in this matchup? :'''Sunny''': Wait a minute, who are you asking here, Jim Ross? :'''Jim''': Well, you're the only woman sitting here... :'''Sunny''': Listen, I make a living out of being at ringside with men and telling them what to do and...hey, if I feel like it, I'll tell ''you'' what to do too. So why don't you just sit there, Chubby, and be quiet. :'''Jim''': Okay, thank you very much. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jim''': Crush is a lot like Michael Irvin — keep him out of jail, he can play. <hr width=50%/> :'''Sunny''': ''[on [[w:Dwayne Johnson|Rocky Maivia]]]'' Look at this, he's a newcomer and they're already chanting his name. The entire building, 20,000 people. :'''Jim''': It won't be the last time! <hr width=50%/> :'''Howard Finkel''': Here is your winner: Rocky Maivia! :'''Sunny''': Oh my God, I feel like my name should be Adrian! :'''Jim''': What a way to make your debut, with a big show in the Big Apple at the ''Survivor Series''! :'''Vince''': What a dream come true for this first third-generation WWF superstar! And how proud is Rocky Johnson and his mom? How proud are Mom and Dad sitting in Florida, watching this on pay-per-view, JR. :'''Jim''': They've gotta be loving this, Grandma watching in Hawaii, and I'm sure the [[w:Peter Maivia|High Chief]] is looking on with a big smile on his face. :'''Sunny''': Well you know, I'm proud of him too, and I haven't even gotten a chance to seduce him yet. <hr width=50%/> :'''[[w:Stone Cold Steve Austin|Stone Cold Steve Austin]]''': Everybody talks about "the best there is, the best there was", all the other crap. The Excellence of Execution. Bret, cliches are cliches, an ass-whipping is an ass-whipping, and that's exactly what you're gonna get tonight at the hands of Stone Cold Steve Austin, and that's the bottom line! <hr width=50%/> :'''Vince''': How ironic would it be if Stone Cold Steve Austin placed the Sharpshooter on Bret Hart and won by submission? Again, anything can happen in the WWF. <hr width=50%> :'''Jim''': Bret Hart won his 2nd WWF title here at the Garden at Wrestlemania X. I watched that on pay per view Vince. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jim Cornette''': ''[on [[w:Rick Bogner|Razor Ramon II]] and [[w:Glen Jacobs|Diesel II]]]'' Okay, JR, these are your guys, they're your proteges! :'''Jim''': I'm not their manager! You manage Vader. If I were managing these guys, they'd be doing a heck of... if I were managing ''Vader'', he'd be doing better! He'd probably be the champion! :'''Cornette''': You couldn't manage a Wendy's! :'''Jim''': I could if ''you'' lived in the town. <hr width=50%> :'''Jim''': ''[On Flash Funk's entrance]'' I tell you, red and yellow never looked so good in the Garden. <hr width=50%/> :'''Vince''': Shawn Michaels said earlier that he would do anything to retain the title, and Sid proved he would do anything to take it. == [[w:Survivor Series (1997)|1997]] == :'''[[w:Road Dogg|Road Dogg Jesse James]]''': Hello, all you maple leaf loving freaks! You're about to find out the true meaning of "southern justice". I see that "Steers n' Queers" have already made their way to the ring. Well, now all you real true-to-life Yankee bastards are gonna see what southern justice is all about. [[w:The Blackjacks#The New Blackjacks|Blacktracks]] and [[w:The Headbangers|Buttbangers]], you are done for. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jim Ross''': Interestingly enough, King, only one member of Team Canada was born in Canada — that's Phil LaFon. The Bulldog's from Manchester, England; Doug Furnas from Commerce, Oklahoma; and Jim "The Anvil" Neidhart from Reno, Nevada. :'''Jerry "The King" Lawler''': Don't ever let the facts get in the way of a good story, Ross. Who cares? This is Canada against the United States, and quite frankly, I'm a little bit ashamed of the team that we're fielding. <hr width=50%/> :'''Michael Cole''': Vince, I'm gonna put you on the hot seat now—who's gonna win? :'''Vince McMahon''': I don't know. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jim''': Owen Hart with a tremendous ovation in his home country, and Owen Hart...aw, look at this. What an act of bravery. Owen Hart, defending the Intercontinental Title, is bringing Team Canada with him. :'''Jerry''': Well, it takes that many guys to carry all of Owen Hart's awards — those Slammies, all the titles, those flags. :'''Jim''': Yeah, Owen Hart has won a couple of Slammies, he's won two WWF Tag Titles, he's been the Intercontinental Champion twice. In some people's view, he is the real "Hitman" of the Hart family, because he almost put Shawn Michaels on the shelf with a kick to the back of the head, and we all know what he did to Stone Cold Steve Austin at ''SummerSlam''. :'''Jerry''': And you know, let's face it. In actuality, the physicians have not cleared Stone Cold to wrestle. They probably never will again. He had to go...he had to sidetrack the physicians. He had to get this match OK'd...well, he had to okay it himself. He had to indemnify Vince McMahon and the World Wrestling Federation, tell them they wouldn't be sued if his career was ended, and that may be the biggest mistake Stone Cold's ever made in his life. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jim''': Austin again... ''[hits the Stone Cold Stunner on Owen Hart and covers him]'' OH AUSTIN! THE STUNNER! THE STONE COLD STUNNER! It's... ''[the referee counts three]'' YES! :'''Jerry''': No! :'''Jim''': AUSTIN'S THE CHAMPION! STEVE AUSTIN IS THE NEW INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION! ''[Doug Furnas and Phil LaFon attack, but Austin Stuns both]'' Wait a minute! Team Canada's back! Furnas, LaFon, Stunner for your trouble! The Rattlesnake did it! :'''Albert DeFrusia''': ''...et nouveau Champion Intercontinental: Stone Cold Steve Austin!'' :'''Jim''': Austin walks into hostile territory, and he comes away with the Intercontinental Championship, and now the fans seem to love him! :'''Jerry''': I told you these Canadians are idiots! <hr width=50%> :'''McMahon''': Ring the bell! Ring the fucking bell! == [[w:Survivor Series (1998)|1998]] == :'''Mr. McMahon''': Tonight, the mystery opponent...to square off against Mankind. This legend, in the ranks of sports-entertainment, made his WWF debut in 1990. Over the course of the next six years, this charismatic superstar boasted a won-loss record that set new standards here in the WWF. Unfortunately, seeking more opposition of his own caliber, this natural athlete jumped ship to the "dubya-C-dubya" (WCW)... :'''Jerry "The King" Lawler''': Woah! Who is it? :'''Mr. McMahon''': ...and after suffering a massive shoulder injury, this cornerstone of the World Wrestling Federation has been sidelined for the past two years. With his career on the line, he fought back with resilience, dreaming of this triumphant return to the ring here tonight. Therefore, without further ado, allow me to introduce to you. Currently, the coach of the Pasadena Chargers. The man...the myth...Duane Gill. :'''Jerry''': Who? :'''Jim Ross''': What...is he....? :'''Jerry''': Duane Gill? Wait a minute I know him, that's Duane Gill! :'''Jim''': Well I'm not...he's...he's...he's got a video. McMahon has had a video prepared to Duane Gill, who has spent more time on the canvas than Rembrandt. :'''Jerry''': What? This is Mankind's mystery opponent? Handpicked by Mr. Vince McMahon? :'''Jim''': Well, I tell you what...when McMahon told Mankind that... ''[pyro goes off]'' OH! I don't think Duane's quite used to getting pyro. :'''Jerry''': He's got pyro and it scared him! :'''Jim''': I think that, I was informed just a second ago by our producers, that the Pasadena Chargers...is an elementary school football team. It's no as as if came... :'''Jerry''': Well don't hold ''that'' against him. :'''Jim''': It's not as as if he came from the NFL or something. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jerry''': Why don't you just listen to me a little more, JR? I've been doing this a few years, you know. I know what I'm talking about. :'''Jim''': I watched you when I was a kid; I learned something every day. <hr width=50%/> :'''Road Dogg Jesse James''': You got a promise, Kiel Center, from the D-O-Double-G and Mr. B. A-Double-Poisonous-Serpents. Buttbangers, go get you a WWF Merchandise Catalog and see if you can't order a couple of IC belts. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jim''': Ladies and gentlemen, the World Wrestling Federation Championship is coveted in this industry, there's no doubt about that. The biggest names in the game have worn the World Wrestling Federation Title. It will be bestowed, it will be won by a new man here tonight, King. Either Mankind — obviously the chosen one, a corporate chosen one by Vince McMahon — or the "people's champion", the Rock. <hr width=50%/> :'''The Rock''': Vince, just like last Sunday on [[w:WWE Heat|''Heat'']], when the Rock said he'd rather be the People's Ass than to ever kiss yours. Well tonight it's time for each and every single piece of trailer park trash to kiss the Rock's, if you smell what the Rock is cookin'! <hr width=50%/> :''[The Rock has just been announced as the new WWF champion, but Shane and Vince McMahon face him with spread arms seeking an embrace, and when they do..]'' :'''Jerry''': WHAT?!?! :'''Jim''': What the hell? They're in it all along, all three of them! They screwed us all... McMahon is the family, The Rock, they screwed us all!!! == [[w:Survivor Series (1999)|1999]] == :'''[[w:Kurt Angle|Kurt Angle]]''': You do not boo an Olympic Gold Medalist. You do ''not'' boo an Olympic Gold Medalist! I'm the best in the world. I came here for you. You do not boo me. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jim Ross''': Vince McMahon in the ring! Now Vince has got the title belt. :'''Jerry "The King" Lawler''': OH! ''[Big Show chokeslams Billy Gunn]'' :'''Jim''': Vince McMahon has got the title belt in his hand, King. :'''Jerry''': Look out! Wha... ''[Vince swings at Triple H with the belt, but misses]'' Uh-oh. :'''Jim''': Oh, going for Triple H's head... :'''Jerry''': ''[Vince swings again, and this time hits Triple H]'' NO! :'''Jim''': AND HE GOT IT! McMAHON JUST KNOCKED TRIPLE H DOWN WITH THE BELT! ''[Big Show picks up Triple H and chokeslams him]'' THE BIG SHOW WITH A CHOKESLAM! :'''Jerry''': ''[Big Show covers him. Vince, who was scheduled to be the referee for this match, counts and the audience counts along with him]'' No! I can't believe it! ''[Vince counts three]'' :'''Jim''': THE BIG SHOW! McMAHON HAS SCREWED HELMSLEY! :'''Howard Finkel''': ''[as he says this, Vince hands over the title to the Big Show]'' The winner of this bout, and NEW World Wrestling Federation Champion: The Big Show! :'''Jim Ross''': Vince McMahon has screwed Triple H, and it is Show Time! It's Show Time! Triple H has lost the WWF Title to the Big Show! == [[w:Survivor Series (2000)|2000]] == :''[Triple H is in his car but Austin has trapped him with a forklift and is gradually lifting it up]'' :'''Triple H''': Austin, you're gonna regret this, don't do it! :'''Austin''': I'm gonna do it you pissed me off! :'''Triple H''': Austin, all right enough is enough, don't do it! Austin you're gonna regret it I know. :'''Austin''': Ehheehh, give me a hell yeah you son of a bitch! :'''Triple H''': ''[feels car tipping to the side]'' Austin don't, oh my god, Austin don't, don't, do ''[as car drops to the pavement]'' HOLY SHIT!!! :'''Jim Ross''': The Game's in that car!! Austin just dropped the Game from that machine!! == [[w:Survivor Series (2001)|2001]] == :''[As Austin has the Rock in the Sharpshooter]'' :'''Paul Heyman''': Why doesn't Hebner call for the bell?! :'''Jim Ross''': Because the Rock hasn't tapped! :'''Paul''': Well, that never stopped him before at Survivor Series, did it?! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jim''': Austin thrown right into the face of Earl Hebner. Down goes the referee. The Rock measuring Austin! ''[The Rock sets Austin up for the Rock Bottom, but Austin counters]'' Looking for the Rock Bottom! :'''Paul''': ''[Austin hits the Stone Cold Stunner on the Rock]'' STUNNER! OH MY GOD, IT'S OVER! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! IT'S FINALLY OVER! The legacy of the World Wrestling Federation dies here! ''[Austin covers, but Hebner is still down]'' COVER!!!!! :'''Jim''': But there's no referee! :'''Paul''': DAMN IT! :'''Jim''': Austin, he... he... he knocked his own referee out. :'''Paul''': It was unintentional! :'''Jim''': But then he... he inadvertently ran over Earl Hebner. ''[as he says this, Kurt Angle, who had moments ago been eliminated, reenters]'' The Rock starting to stir, but wait... ''wait'' a minute. :'''Paul''': ''[Angle grabs Austin's WWF title]'' Here comes Kurt. Thank God. :'''Jim''': That son of a... ''[Angle hits Austin with the title belt]'' OH! KURT ANGLE JUST... HE JUST NAILED AUSTIN! ''[The Rock delivers the Rock Bottom to Austin]'' THE ROCK BOTTOM! THE ROCK BOTTOM! ''[Hebner slowly makes it to the Rock pinning Austin and counts slowly. The crowd counts along with him]'' THE COUNT! THE COUNT! ''[Hebner counts three. The crowd and the WWF locker room erupt]'' IT'S OVER! IT'S OVER! THE WWF HAS WON IT! ''[In shock, Heyman drops his headset]'' :'''Howard Finkel''': ''[cut to the Alliance's locker room where Stephanie McMahon is screaming in anguish, and soon after back to the WWF locker room where their celebration continues]'' The winner of the fall: The Rock! And thus, the surviving organization: The World Wrestling Federation! :'''Jim''': ''[Speaking to Heyman]'' How do you feel about ''that''? You're out of work! You're out of work ''again''! You didn't win, Paul! Your man lost! Kurt Angle just screwed you guys! :'''Stephanie McMahon''': ''[overlap on Alliance footage; crying]'' Oh my God, what have I done?!?!? ''[cue back to the WWF locker room's celebration]'' :'''Jim''': The Rock with the Rock Bottom, and Kurt Angle drilled Austin with the WWF title belt! How ironic was that?!? The WWF wins! The Alliance dies at the Survivor Series! The weight of the WWF world, resting on the shoulders of The Rock and a bizarre, shocking assist, by Kurt Angle, has cost the Alliance. The Rock said he was gonna do it and he did it, and the billion-dollar Princess ''[referring to a kneeling Stephanie]'' can't believe it. Shane and Stephanie are out of business! Paul Heyman is out of business, and the Alliance is going belly-up. == [[w:Survivor Series (2002)|2002]] == :'''Scott Steiner''': Gimme a fucking mic! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jim Ross''': And the Game going back; he's going to try it again. :'''Jerry "The King" Lawler''': Oh-ho. :'''Jim''': One more Pedigree! He's going to stop Michaels! :'''Jerry''': ''[But Michaels back body drops out of the way]'' Look out, Game! Look out! :'''Jim''': And Michaels back body dropped the Game! ''[Michaels gets into Superkick position]'' He came out of it! :'''Jerry''': ''[Michaels hits Sweet Chin Music and the crowd erupts]'' Oh, he GOT him! :'''Jim''': SWEET CHIN MUSIC! SWEET CHIN MUSIC! THE COVER! ''[Earl Hebner counts and the crowd counts along with him: "One"]'' THE COVER! ''["Two"]'' HE GOT HIM! ''["Three"; the crowd erupts again]'' :'''Jerry''': NO! WHAT?!? :'''Jim''': SHAWN MICHAELS! SHAWN MICHAELS IS THE WORLD CHAMPION! :'''Jerry''': What?!? WHAT did you say? :'''Howard Finkel''': ''[over Jerry talking]'' The winner of this bout, and NEW World Heavyweight Champion: HBK, Shawn Michaels! :'''Jim''': THEY'RE ON THEIR FEET AT MADISON SQUARE GARDEN! MY GOD, I DON'T BELIEVE IT! I DON'T ''BELIEVE'' IT! :'''Jerry''': They're on their feet all over the ''world'' right now, JR! ''Nobody'' believes this! :'''Jim''': SHAWN MICHAELS IS THE HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION OF THE WORLD! :'''Jerry''': ACK! Look at this! ''[Confetti begins to drop from the rafters]'' :'''Jim''': MY GOD, CAN YOU ''BELIEVE'' IT? :'''Jerry''': This may be the world's biggest celebration! :'''Jim''': I know [[Miracle (film)#Al Michaels|it's been said before]], BUT IN THE WWE, DO YOU BELIEVE IN MIRACLES?!? == [[w:Survivor Series (2003)|2003]] == :''[with only Randy Orton and Shawn Michaels remaining in the Team Bischoff vs. Team Austin match, after Orton inadvertently knocked out the referee with a crossbody meant for Michaels]'' :'''Jim Ross''': That referee is not gonna get up anytime soon, I can guaran-damn-tee you that, but Shawn Michaels is, but he's willing himself up! :'''Jerry "The King" Lawler''' ''[addressing the blood on Michaels' face which resulted from a chair shot by Chris Jericho]'': Look at his face from the damage. :''[Michaels, having pulled himself up using the ropes, is about to signal for Sweet Chin Music]'' :'''Jim''': The will to survive! :'''Jerry''': You gotta be kidding, is he gonna... :'''Jim''': He's one kick away...one kick away from ending this damn thing! :'''Jerry''': Does he have the strength left in him, does he have the blood pumping through his veins? ''[but before Michaels can execute the kick, Eric Bischoff enters the ring and knocks down Michaels with a kick of his own]'' Look at this! Look at Bischoff! :'''Jim''': And now Bischoff, with that martial arts kick! :''[now Stone Cold Steve Austin enters the ring and attacks Bischoff]'' :'''Jerry''': Look at Stone Cold! :'''Jim''' ''[as Austin stomps Bischoff out of the ring]'': And Austin, knocking the hell out of Bischoff! :'''Jerry''' ''[as Austin spots Orton who has just gotten back up]'': Yes! ''[Austin kicks Orton and gives him the Stone Cold Stunner]'' Hey! :'''Jim''': Oh! Stunner! :'''Jerry''': Woo-hoo! :'''Jim''': STUNNER! THAT'LL DO IT!! AUSTIN GOT THE STUNNER ON ORTON!! ''[Austin now exits the ring and goes back to attacking Bischoff]'' AUSTIN GOT THE STUNNER ON ORTON! :'''Jerry''': The Rattlesnake has struck! :'''Jim''': And now Austin's gonna open a can of whip-ass on Eric Bischoff! :'''Jerry''': Well, I don't blame him! :'''Jim''': Eric Bischoff's getting whipped like a government mule by Stone Cold Steve Austin! Austin with a Stunner on Randy Orton! ''[as Austin's attack on Bischoff makes its way backstage, Batista enters the ring and grabs Michaels, who was about to cover Orton]'' Hey, wait a minute! :'''Jerry''': Hey! :'''Jim''': Wait a minute! It's that damn - that animal, Batista! Batista! ''[Batista slams down Michaels with a Batista Bomb]'' No! :'''Jerry''': Oh! :'''Jim''': For the love of God, no! :''[as Batista exits the ring, the referee finally comes to]'' :'''Jerry''': Oh my God, what... :'''Jim''': My God...no! It - it can't be!! :'''Jerry''': Well, JR, you cannot condone- :'''Jim''' ''[as Orton crawls over to Michaels]'': I don't think... :'''Jerry''': I don't think Austin even saw what happened - ''[Orton covers Michaels]'' - oh, wait a minute! :'''Jim''': Austin's not aware! Orton's gonna cover him! Batista has taken Michaels out! Can Shawn Michaels kick out?! :''[the referee starts counting]'' :'''Jerry''': Kick out! :'''Jim''': Kick out, Shawn! KICK OUT, SHAWN!! :'''Jerry''': Kick out!! :''[the referee has counted to 3. The bell rings]'' :'''Jim''': OH, GOD AL- :''[Austin runs back out of the entrance to discover his team has lost, meaning he would be fired as co-general manager of ''RAW'']'' :'''Howard Finkel''': Your winners... :'''Jerry''': Now what? :'''Howard''': ...Eric Bischoff's team! :'''Jim''': Austin not even aware of what Batista has done. :'''Jerry''': Holy crap. What... :'''Jim''': Oh, God. :'''Jerry''': Look at the look on Stone Cold's face; that's the same look on everybody in this arena! He doesn't even know that Batista was in the ring! :'''Jim''': Shawn Michaels did everything a human being could do, with a 1-on-3 disadvantage, and thanks to Batista of Evolution, Stone Cold Steve Austin's 14-year career is over. :'''Jerry''': Can't believe you just said that. :'''Jim''' ''[as Austin approaches the ring, where Michaels is still laying]'': I swear to God, folks, it breaks my heart to say that. My...my guts in knots. Poor Shawn Michaels. God bless him. :'''Jerry''': He deserved - he deserved a better fate than that, didn't he? And so did Stone Cold! :'''Jim''': Did everything he could do, did Shawn Michaels; everything a human being could do, Shawn Michaels did...well, you gotta be wondering what's going through Austin's mind right now. :'''Jerry''' ''[as Austin enters the ring and walks over to Michaels]'': Well, he's done and he knows it. :'''Jim''': Texas Rattlesnake looking down at Shawn Michaels, I...don't know what Austin's gonna do here; he's got - what the hell's he got to lose? Nothing. Career is over. 14 years on the road, 14 years of his life have just - just been ended, thanks to Batista and Evolution, and Randy Orton. :'''Jerry''' ''[as Michaels comes to and holds onto Austin]'': Well, I think the Rattlesnake knows how - he knows that...whether he knows that Batista was in the ring or not, he knows that HBK fought his heart out, he fought his guts out for, for Stone Cold. == [[w:Survivor Series (2009)|2009]] == :'''Michael Cole''': Ladies and gentlemen, if DX remain on the same page tonight, there is absolutely no doubt in my mind that John Cena will lose the WWE Championship. :'''Jerry "The King" Lawler''': Well, the question is, which one of these great superstars will win, be victorious here tonight? I mean, this is...you guys will have to agree with this, I mean, is it gonna be Shawn or is it gonna be Triple H? :''[the referee calls for the bell to officially start the match, as Michaels and Triple H stare down Cena]'' :'''Matt Striker''': Well, the last time the WWE title changed hands in this city was 2000 and that match featured, the Game, Triple H. :''[suddenly Michaels hits Sweet Chin Music on Triple H, who falls out of the ring, unconscious. Cena looks absolutely stunned]'' :'''Michael''': Sweet Chin Music! :'''Jerry''': What in the world?! :'''Matt''': Ohhhh! :'''Michael''': Shawn Michaels... :'''Matt''': I told you, King, I told you! :'''Jerry''': What the- :'''Matt''': I told you! :'''Michael''': Look at the look on Cena's face! :'''Matt''': Ha-ha-ha! :'''Jerry''': What?! :'''Michael''': And there, ladies and gentlemen, is vintage Shawn Michaels! :'''Matt''': I love it! :'''Michael''': Shawn Michaels has made a career about being in the center of the storm, and he did it, again! :'''Jerry''': What?! :'''Matt''': Let's go, here we go now! Come on! :'''Jerry''': ...what?! I can't - did that just happen?! == [[w:Survivor Series (2010)|2010]] == :'''Michael Cole''': Well, of course, coming out to his ''nerd'' music... :'''Matt Striker''': That's "[[w:Ride of the Valkyries|Ride of the Valkyries]]", that's a great song. :'''Michael''': Yeah, from ''Apocalypse Now'', and every time that Daniel Bryan comes out, that's what it is out here. Nonetheless, Daniel Bryan would know nothing about the way Maryse would dress, that wonderful Versace dress and Prada jacket. How gorgeous does Maryse look here tonight at Survivor Series? :'''Jerry "The King" Lawler''': Oh, she's always very, very beautiful...as most... :'''Matt''': Arm candy? :'''Jerry''': ...gold diggers are. :'''Matt''': Well, Daniel Bryan said he was honored... :'''Michael''': Wait a minute, how can you say Maryse is a gold digger? :'''Jerry''': Let me ask you, if you think—Matt, you can probably vouch for this. You said you would love to take her shopping; you used to be a teacher—what if you still made a teacher's salary? You think she would still be around... :'''Michael''': He still does! :'''Matt''': I would take out a loan and mortgage my house. :'''Jerry''': Trust me, Maryse would not be hanging around with somebody that is a regular joe out the street. :'''Matt''': Michael, let me shift to you. Daniel Bryan said he was honored to have Hall-of-Famer Jim Ross call his match this past year on "Old School" ''Raw''. :'''Michael''': How did ''that'' work out? <hr width=50%/> :'''The Miz''': Sorry to interrupt, because we all know how much I respect Daniel Bryan, but I have something to say. :''[The lights go out momentarily]'' :'''Michael''': Oh, you can't turn the lights out on the Miz, he needs a spotlight! :'''The Miz''': ''[as the lights come back on]'' That's better. I am a proud citizen of Cleveland, Ohio. ''[The Miami crowd boos]'' And it's fitting that I'm here in Miami because, truth be told, the Miami Heat are a lot like the Nexus—they're both arrogant, despised by millions, overrated and, in a word, the Nexus and the Miami both are hopelessly mediocre. I think LeBron is...is like the Wade Barrett of the NBA, not that he's a leader, because we all know LeBron is nothing more than Dwyane Wade's little sidekick. No, the reason LeBron is like Barrett, because they both feel that they are entitled to a championship. Well, there is one important difference—Wade Barrett might become champion tonight, whereas LeBron will ''never'' be champion! LeBron has a commercial where he asks, what should he do? What should you do? What you should do, LeBron. What should you do? You should go back to Cleveland and apologize to each and every one of us for what you did, you traitor! :'''Michael''': The "Let's Go, Heat!" chants. Of course, the Miami Heat play in this arena. :'''The Miz''': As for you, Barrett, I don't care what happens to Cena. All you and Randy Orton need to know is I am tired of carrying this briefcase. So right now, it's not a matter of if, it's a simple question of when, because I'm the Miz, you are all witnesses to the fact that I'M...AWESOME!!! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jerry''': For somebody that's so closely associated with NXT, you seem to have no respect for their former stars. :'''Michael''': I like everybody on NXT. :'''Jerry''': Daniel Bryan and Kaval? :'''Michael''': No, but I like my commentary. <hr width=50%/> :'''Todd Grisham''': I'm being joined by Team Alberto Del Rio member, the All-American American, Jack Swagger, and Jack, how does it feel to be a part of Team Del Rio? :'''Jack Swagger''': Team Del Rio? Team Del Rio? Todd, let me tell you something? As the only former World Heavyweight Champion on this team, it should be called Jack Swagger's All-American Americans, which is important because we're not in America right now. We're not in Miami. This is "Little Cuba". Jack Swagger don't habla Español. Are you kidding me, Todd? :'''Cody Rhodes''': You'll have to excuse him, Todd. See, I know where all this animosity stems from. I caught our Jack Swagger last night trying to get into a club here in South Beach with the most busted broke shoes I have ever seen. :'''Swagger''': They were my grandfather's, and they're vintage. :'''Cody''': Right. Listen, I don't know what it's like to stand behind a roped entrance unlike you, ''[indicated Todd]'' unlike you... :'''Alberto Del Rio''': Bravo, bravo, I love it. I was just talking with Drew and Tyler, and I bet them a dinner that in the moment Jack Swagger starts talking, we're going to have a train of interruptions. ''[Mocking] Ooh, you're nothing. I'm better than you. You're nothing.'' Come on, guys. Come on. That's boring. We're here to destroy Rey Mysterio, to destroy Rey Mysterio and his little friends. I want to see little kids crying; I want them to see their idols on the floor; I want tears; and if we do that, I buy the beers. Sound good? Of course it does. And hey, come on, guys. Don't worry, ''I'm'' your captain. Your captain is the one and only Alberto Del Rio. :'''Cody''': ''[as Alberto, Drew and Tyler walk off]'' I hate to admit it, but he's good. <hr width=50%/> :'''Michael''': There's no doubt that this man, ''Dashing'' Cody Rhodes, fits right in at South Beach :'''Jerry''': ''[Exasperated]'' Oh my gosh.... :'''Matt''': Cody's narcissistic, ego-driven, cocky, conceited, capable and confident. :'''Michael''': And he wins. :'''Matt''': I think it started with the letter C. :'''Michael''': This guy is... look at him! :'''Jerry''': I am looking at him, it looks like his neck threw up. You think he's ''Dashing?!?!'' :'''Michael''': He's perfect! :'''Jerry''': Oh my gosh! ''[Laughs]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Michael''': This guy right here, Matt, could be the wild card in all of this. :'''Matt''': Well, this is the x factor. I mean, let's not forget this past Friday on ''SmackDown'' on Syfy, Tyler Reks took The Big Show off of his feet. How do you prepare for the unknown, how do you prepare for Tyler Reks? == [[w:Survivor Series (2011)|2011]] == :'''The Rock''': Madison Square Garden...''[the crowd cheers]'' Madison Square Garden...let me tell you something about Madison Square Garden. 1977, five years old, Dwayne Johnson is sittin' in the seats right out there, right in front, front row watching his grandfather, the High Chief Peter Maivia take on Superstar Billy Graham for the WWE Title. Seven years later, the Rock, twelve years old, hanging out in the back in the dressing room with Andre the Giant! Let me repeat that—''hangin' out'' with Andre the Giant. Watching the Rock's dad, "Soul Man" Rocky Johnson defend his WWE Tag Team Title! And here we are, 1996, this very arena, this magical arena, the Rock makes his debut at Survivor Series, November '96! The Rock makes his debut at Survivor Series, and despite having a hideous outfit and the worst haircut known to man, this was the place! This was the place where the people, for the very first time in the Rock's life, chanted the Rock's name! ''[The crowd chants "Rocky!"]'' That night, that night started an odyssey, an epic odyssey that will go down in WWE history. That will go down in WWE history from "Know your role" to "Shut your mouth", all the way to "Layeth the smacketh down"; from "one on one with the Great One"; all the way back to "do you...like pie?"; to "it doesn't matter what you think!" All the way back, all the way back, then the Rock becomes...the Intercontinental Champion, then the Rock becomes Tag Team Champion, then the Rock becomes 7-time WWE Champion. But above all that, more importantly than that, on that night, the Rock became the People's Champion! Becoming the People's Champion, after seven long years, finally the Rock has come back. Finally the new era, the People's Era begins tonight, because finally...''[the crowd says it with him]'' FINALLY, THE ROCK HAS COME BACK TO NEW YORK CITY!!! <br> ''[The crowd resumes the "Rocky" chant"]'' <br> Miz and R-Truth, Miz and R-Truth, it's as simple as this. It's as simple as this! Boots...to asses. Miz and R-Truth, boots to asses. Now, now on to the Rock's tag team partner, John Cena. ''[The crowd's usual reaction]'' You see, John Cena. John Cena, you called the Rock out to be your tag team partner. Well, guess what. You got your wish. But what you didn't count on, what you never counted on, what you never counted on was the Rock doesn't come alone. No, no, no, no, no! The Rock, as you can clearly hear, and later on, your monkey ass is clearly gonna see, that the Rock brings 17,000 strong! And what we're gonna do, we're gonna take a lightning bolt and shoot it right up your ovulating lady parts! ''[The crowd chants "Lady Parts!"]'' New York City, you and the Rock know just how magical Madison Square Garden is. You know it, the Rock knows it. You know how special and historic this night is. Frank Sinatra performed out there in Madison Square Garden, gave the performance of a lifetime! Not only Blue Eyes himself, it was Ali-Frazier, delivered the fight of the century in this very arena! And tonight...and tonight, the Rock wakes up in a city that never sleeps. In a city that never sleeps, he's A-#1, top of the list, king of the hill, A-#1...''[sings] These little town blues are melting away.'' New York City, this is the Rock live, the Rock ain't singin' by himself! No, no, no! We're gonna make ''[sings with the crowd] a brand new start of it in Ol New York! If we can make it here, we'll make it anywhere. It's up to you, New York, New York!'' <br> Boots to asses all night long, New York City, it's on...IF YA SMELL WHAT THE ROCK IS COOKIN'!!! <hr width=50%/> :'''Michael Cole''': And now Punk kick to the side of the head! ''[Punk covers Del Rio]'' The cover! ''[The ref counts to two, but Del Rio gets the shoulder up]'' Two-count, Del Rio, shoulder up! ''[Punk immediately hooks him into the Anaconda Vice]'' In the Vice! In the Vice! :'''Booker T''': He's in that Vice! :'''Michael''': ''[as Del Rio tries clawing Punk's face]'' What a move by Punk! What a counter by Punk! Anaconda Vice! Anaconda Vice! Del Rio's in trouble! The Champ's in trouble! :'''Jerry "The King" Lawler''': Hang on, hang on! :'''Michael''': Del Rio doing all he can! :''[Del Rio taps out]'' :'''Jerry''': THERE IT IS!!! :'''Booker T''': Oh...you gotta be kidding me! A great victory! :'''Michael''': CM Punk is WWE Champion! :'''Booker T''': Wow. :'''Jerry''': What a counter. :'''Booker T''': What a match-up. ''[Punk exits the ring and dives into the crowd]'' I mean, these two were fists on fire, toe-to-toe for thirty minutes and it was totally, totally off the hook! :'''Howard Finkel''': The winner of this bout...and NEW WWE Champion: CM Punk! :'''Michael''': For the sixteenth time in the history of Madison Square Garden, the WWE Championship has changed hands! CM Punk now a two-time WWE Champion, and a five-time world champion! :'''CM Punk''': ''[sitting on the barrier and holding the belt high]'' BEST IN THE WORLD!!! :'''Booker T''': Got a lot of respect for CM Punk, man. For all intents and purposes, CM Punk is that good. ''[Punk runs and jumps into another part of the crowd]'' Wow! Just jumped in the mosh pit! :'''Jerry''': You can call that the Punk Pit right now. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jerry''': Cole, you're quiet. You're sitting there with that look on your face, Cole. Why are you sulking? :'''Booker T''': You all right, Cole? :'''Michael''': I'm picturing the WWE with that man as Champion. :'''Booker T''': I thought you was picturing yourself in that Anaconda Vice. Stuffed up like a chicken, screaming like a little girl. :'''Michael''': You guys do realize that that man is representing your company now, right? You realize that! So much for the class and dignity of Del Rio! :'''Booker T''': Well, I'm on Smackdown. :'''Jerry''': I don't think this capacity crowd here in Madison Square Garden has any problems with CM Punk representing them. == [[w:Survivor Series (2012)|2012]] == :'''Michael Cole''': ''[on Brodus Clay's entrance]'' A funky start to the Survivor Series. :'''John "Bradshaw" Layfield''': "Funky"'s a kind word. This is what happens when you cross a plesiosaur with Adele. This is the offspring. :'''Michael''': What are you talking about? :'''JBL''': A plesiosaur, from the Cretaceous period. :'''Michael''': No, I mean Adele's a singer, not a dancer. :'''JBL''': Okay, Kirstie Alley. <hr width=50%/> :'''Michael''': Cesaro was considered too aggressive when he played rugby; he was actually kicked out of his league... :'''JBL''': That's what I just said. :'''Michael''': ...before he came over here... :'''JBL''': I'm over here with a freaking parrot! :'''Michael''': ...to WWE. :'''JBL''': Good grief, I just said that! He was thrown out of the Top 14. Like Buck Shelford, All Blacks; Springboks-All Blacks! It's an island just south of Australia, parrot! :'''Michael''': Now you know how it feels. :'''Jerry "The King" Lawler''': Come on, JBL, you can't blame him for not listening. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jerry''': ''[on Del Rio]'' And you like that guy, JBL? :'''JBL''': Love that guy! You have your ring announcer, you got a $100,000 collector's Rolls Royce! This man is terrific! :'''Michael''': You know, you had your own Cabinet. How did that work out? :'''JBL''': Not so well. We were the antithesis to the Four Horsemen. <hr width=50%/> :'''Michael Cole''': Daniel Bryan a former World Champion. :'''JBL''': And a vegan. Something else no one cares about. Tyson was a vegan until he ate Holyfield's ear. :'''Jerry''': ''[laughing]'' You've talked about every sport imaginable tonight, even rugby. :'''Michael''': Your Google was busy today. <hr width=50%/> :'''Michael''': Ladies and gentlemen, tonight marks day #364 that CM Punk has been Champion. He is currently tied with Hulk Hogan for the eighth-longest reign in WWE history. :'''JBL''': How could you possibly understate a record like that?! 364 days?! When CM Punk became the Champion, Mitt Romney wasn't even the Republican nomination, Snooki hadn't even had a baby, Hostess was still in business. One day away from being a year, CM Punk! :'''Jerry''': But wouldn't it be ironic if he doesn't quite make the year? :'''Michael''': It would be a year if he can make it to ''Monday Night Raw''. CM Punk's current reign is the longest in six years. The man who stands in the ring next to him now, John Cena, held it for 380 days between 2006-2007. Now isn't ''that'' ironic? Now, John, I gotta ask you. A lot of people have been talking all week long about Punk being paranoid heading into tonight, that perhaps tonight is the night that things all are gonna crash down around CM Punk. Have you heard those rumors? Do you believe in them? :'''JBL''': The pressure of carrying the Championship that long, one day away from being one year, of course he's nervous. He's not facing ''one'' beast, he's facing ''two'' in Cena and this crazy manimal Ryback. :'''Jerry''': And he's also facing the law of averages. == [[w:Survivor Series (2013)|2013]] == :'''Zeb Colter''': Boston, Massachusetts, the home of the Boston Tea Party, where, at one time, a group of patriots banded together to spark a revolution. But looking around at this motley crew assembled here tonight, I can clearly see that there are no revolutionaries amongst us. But if the Boston Tea Party were held today, none of you would know it, because you don't pay attention. None of you would know anything about Paul Revere or Nathan Hale because you're too busy doing other things, stupid things like twerking. :'''Michael Cole''': Twerking? :''[Zeb demonstrates, but almost throws out his back to the laughter of the commentators and the crowd]'' :'''Jerry "The King" Lawler''': Oh, he threw his back out. :'''Zeb''': Oh, you think that's funny? You're doing stupid things like talking on your cell phones or Tweeting to some idiot halfway across the country, or cheering some foreign guy by the name of David Ortiz! Disgusting! You should be cheering real Americans like Jack Swagger... :'''Cody Rhodes''': Enough, enough, Zeb! None of these people here paid to listen to you talk! :'''John "Bradshaw" Layfield''': I did. :'''Jerry''': You paid? :'''Rhodes''': And none of these people wanna see you twerk. :'''JBL''': I do. <hr width=50%/> :'''JBL''': They were down 5-to-2 at one point. And it's not that Rey Mysterio had an off night; Roman Reigns just had an incredible night. <hr width=50%/> :'''AJ Lee''': I've been called many things—needy, adorable, psychotic, champion—and I have not come this far to be taken down now. Now, I know that all of you are far less successful than I am, but that's no reason for you to feel inferior. No, no, you should draw inspiration from me. Yes, this is the time for you to shake off all your insecurities, this is the time to prove everyone wrong, and to take back our Divas division! Who's with me? :'''Alicia Fox''': Who are you calling inferior? :'''Rosa Mendes''': What makes you think you're better than any of us? :'''AJ''': Is...is that, like, a rhetorical question or...I'm sorry, do you know what rhetorical means? I'll speak real slow. It means... :'''Kaitlyn''': Rhetorical means, a question that is ''so'' obvious that it doesn't need an answer. For example, why would any of us trust you? I mean, you basically ruined my life, you used Aksana and Fox in your ridiculous crusade against the Total Divas, and let's face it, besides your hired help, you have made enemies with every single one of us. :'''AJ''': Oh, Katie, I don't like you, and I know you don't like me, but this isn't about us. No, this is about the fact that ''Total Divas'' doesn't want any of you. And maybe it's because they think that you're not pretty enough, Kaitlyn; or because you have a silly accent, Aksana; or because that all you can do is dance, Summer. Yeah, what I know is that right now, ''Total Divas'' has new episodes playing on the E! Network, and none of you are on them, because they think that you don't deserve to be. Well prove them wrong. Start your own show by stealing this one tonight. <hr width=50%/> :'''JBL''': ''[as Nikki Bella does "The Worm"]'' Scotty 2 Hotty oughta sue somebody for gimmick infringement! <hr width=50%/> :'''Bray Wyatt''': She speaks to me. She whispers in my dreams. She told me about you, Punk and Bryan. She said that y'all would be tough as nails, and if we wanted to take you down, well then we'd have to hunt you like dogs. She was right. But we are the reapers, and there's nowhere left to run. == [[w:Survivor Series (2014)|2014]] == ''[Triple H has signaled referee Scott Armstrong to count Dolph Ziggler down and make Seth Rollins the winner when Sting makes his entrance to an enormous ovation]'' :'''Michael Cole''': Oh, my God! :'''Jerry "The King" Lawler''': What?! :'''Michael''': It's [[w:Sting (wrestler)|Sting]]! :'''Jerry''': What?! :'''Michael''': Stinger's here! :'''John "Bradshaw" Layfield''': A six-time WCW Champion, a two-time NWA World Heavyweight Champion! :'''Jerry''': But what the hell is he doing here? :'''JBL''': The Icon! The Franchise! :'''Michael''': The man who has never stepped foot inside WWE's arena before! :'''JBL''': What a hell of an impact he's made the first time he did! :'''Michael''': But why is Stinger here?! :'''JBL''': None of his business, I'll tell ya! :'''Michael''': This is incredible! ''[Sting comes to the ring and attacks Scott Armstrong]'' Down goes Armstrong! :''[Sting enters the ring and stares down Triple H for two minutes, amidst the chants of "Holy Shit!", "Sting!" and "This is awesome." Triple H attacks, but Sting evades, then kicks him in the gut.]'' :'''Michael''': Look at this! Sting! :'''Jerry''': Triple H with the first shot, but he missed! :''[Sting hits the Scorpion Death Drop on Triple H.]'' :'''Michael''': Stinger strikes! ''[Sting pulls Rollins off of Ziggler onto his back, then pulls Ziggler on top of him, and walks out]'' And he pulls Ziggler into the cover of Seth Rollins. :'''Jerry''': ''[seeing the original referee make the count]'' Hey guys... :'''Michael''': Here's the cover. :'''JBL''': No! ''[The referee hits three]'' NO! :'''Michael''': Team Cena wins! :'''Lawler''': Whoo-hoo! :'''Lilian Garcia''': Here is your winner: Dolph Ziggler, and Team Cena! :'''Lawler''': Oh, happy day! :'''Michael''': The Authority is gone! :'''JBL''': What has Sting done? And why? :'''Michael''': Ladies and gentlemen, the most incredible moment in Survivor Series history! The Authority is out of power! Dolph Ziggler is the lone survivor, and the iconic Sting returns with a Death Drop to Triple H! <hr width=50%/> :''[Triple H and Stephanie McMahon stand alone in the ring after losing the match to Team Cena, leaving the Authority out of power.]'' :'''Stephanie McMahon''': NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! :''[Crowd starts to sing "Na Na Na (Kiss Him Goodbye)"]'' :'''Crowd: NA NA NA NA. NA NA NA NA. HEY HEY HEY Goodbye. :'''Stephanie''': NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! THIS IS NOT OVER!!!!!!!! == [[w:Survivor Series (2015)|2015]] == :''[After Roman Reigns won the WWE World Heavyweight Championship in the tournament finals, only for Sheamus to cash-in Money in the Bank and become champion]'' <br /> :'''John "Bradshaw" Layfield''': Roman Reigns finally reached the summit, and he got [[w:Sheamus|Brogue Kick]]ed right off of it! == [[w:Survivor Series (2016)|2016]] == :'''Enzo Amore''': Toronto! :''[crowd cheers]'' :'''Enzo''': Look what you've done! We are a couple of star boys! And tonight, these star boys...we got enemies, got a lot of enemies. We got a couple of haters...a couple of haters...from ''SmackDown'' trying to drain us of our energy! :'''Big Cass''': And ain't nobody could've drained us of our energy, because we are in Toronto, and we've been sipping on Timmy Horton's all day long! ''[crowd cheers)'' And as for ''SmackDown Live'', they've been sipping on their cup of Average Joe. :''[crowd cheers]'' :'''Enzo''': Tonight, we are running through the six with our foes. So Team Raw's on their ones and twos. I got 'em all BO's. So ''SmackDown''...you better be on your Toron-toes, babe. ''[He strips down his overalls to reveal a writing of "If You're Reading This, It's Too Late" a la [[Drake (entertainer)|Drake's]] album as the crowd cheers louder]'' :'''Cass''': If you're reading this it's too late because there's only ''[the crowd joins in]'' one word...to describe you, and I'm gonna spell it out for ya! S-A-W-F-T! :'''Crowd''': SAWFT! <hr width=50%/> ''[moments later, after all the members of Team ''Raw'' have made their entrances:]'' :'''Big E''': Oh, Toronto! Don't you dare...be sour! Clap for your world-famous 2-time champs and feel the power! :''[The New Day's music kicks in and they enter as the crowd chants "New Day rocks!"]'' :'''Xavier Woods''': Tonight, we are much more than just your ''[The New Day members wiggle their hips and the crowd joins in]'' WWE World Tag Team Champions... :'''Kofi Kingston''': ...We are also your ''Raw'' tag team captains. But tonight...is not about us. Oh...no. ''[He points at the members of Team'' Raw'']'' Tonight...is about ''us''! All of us! All of us as we stand united with one goal in mind: And that goal is to put the whooping on Team ''SmackDown'', baby! :'''Big E''': But why? But why? Because...Team ''Raw'' rocks! ''[the crowd joins in as Team'' Raw ''marches their way to the ring]'' Team ''Raw'' rocks! :''[Woods plays his trombone to the rhythm of the crowd chanting "Team'' Raw ''rocks" while Team'' Raw ''marches to the ring]'' :'''Michael Cole''': Feel free to join us on this...chanting anytime, Otunga. :'''David Otunga''': I'll pass on this...as much as I have a point. <hr width=50%/> :'''Michael''': Seth Rollins said, "Survivor Series has always been big to me. I'm gonna stay the course tonight and lead Team ''RAW'' to victory." :'''David''': Well, his shirt tells me he's a little bit of self-interest in there. He's got half of his own shirt, half of Team ''RAW''. :'''Corey Graves''': What an astute observation there, Jennifer Hudsband. <hr width=50%/> '''[During the epic Brock Lesnar vs Goldberg fight:]'' :'''Michael''': SPEAR! Goldberg hit Lesnar with a spear from out of nowhere! :'''David''': Goldberg may shock the world. :'''Corey''': Goldberg looking to end this early. :'''Michael''': Lesnar's hurt. Lesnar's hurt. [Goldberg hits Lesnar with another spear] Goldberg again with another spear. 2 spears to Lesnar. Brock's in trouble. Brock's in trouble. :'''Corey''': I don't think anybody expected this sort of dominance right out of the gate from Goldberg. :'''David''': The Beast may be on the verge of getting slayed. ''[Lesnar struggles to get up to his feet and moments later Goldberg scoops Lesnar up for a Jackhammer]'' :'''Michael''': Goldberg looking for a Jackhammer. A Jackhammer to Lesnar..here's the cover...''[Referee counts the 3] ''OH MY GOD! Goldberg beat Brock! :'''Jojo''': Here is your winner...Goldberg! :'''Michael''': A monumental Upset after 12 years, Goldberg returns to the ring and absolutely destroys The Beast. :'''Corey''': I cannot believe what I just witnessed. :'''David''': You and me both. Goldberg said he had one last Jackhammer and that one last Jackhammer was good enough to pin Brock Lesnar. :'''Corey''': The entire world has got to be in shock right now. ==External links== {{wikipedia|Survivor Series}} [[Category:Sports television shows]] [[Category:WWE]] 4stoauvx9y3ilp2p8z8dzq344alijvj 0 110361 3153111 3150581 2022-08-10T02:30:02Z Mr. Brain 3009526 /* Series 3, Episode 5 */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:The Thick of It|The Thick of It]]''''' is a British sitcom, satirising the inner workings of modern government, that finished its fourth (and final) series in October 2012. It stars [[wikipedia:Peter Capaldi|Peter Capaldi]] as spin doctor [[wikipedia:Malcolm Tucker|Malcolm Tucker]]. See also ''[[In The Loop]]'', a spin-off feature film. ==Series 1, Episode 1== :''(Malcolm Tucker's first line.)'' :'''Malcolm Tucker:''' ''(on his phone, in Cliff Lawton's office)'' No, he's useless. He's absolutely useless. He is, he's useless, he's as useless as a marzipan dildo. All right. Got to go. Minister's just walked in. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm Tucker has just told Cliff Lawton, the head of the Department of Social Affairs, that he has to resign as Minister.)'' :'''Cliff Lawton:''' Malcolm, look, um – if you do this, it's the bollocks of the jungle out there, you know? They're like wolves. Pissed wolves. :'''Malcolm Tucker:''' I've made the announcement: I've told [[wikipedia:The_Lobby|the Lobby]] you're going, Cliff. :'''Cliff:''' You've told the Lobby I'm going? :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. Sorry, Cliff. :'''Cliff:''' Minister. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, get used to Cliff. I've booked you in for the usual soapy tit-wank farewell at Number 10, in 20 minutes. Also drafted you a letter of resignation: gives you the chance to say that you're jumping before you're pushed, although obviously we're gonna be briefing that you ''were'' pushed, sorry. :'''Cliff:''' Um...Look, tell you what. You don't need to do all of this. What about Tom? Everybody knows he's fucking up Transport. :'''Malcolm:''' We can't sack Tom at Transport. We can't lose anyone at Transport, they're important. :'''Cliff:''' What? And Social Affairs isn't? :'''Malcolm:''' OK, the Department of Social for Commercial Affairs is very important, but it's not Transport. Transport's cars, buses, trucks. :'''Cliff:''' I KNOW WHAT TRANSPORT FUCKING ENTAILS! :''(Malcolm gives Cliff his infamous "bollocking stare.")'' :'''Cliff:''' Look, look...Look. I'll look at it. :''(Cliff looks at the resignation note.)'' :'''Cliff:''' Personal reasons. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. I thought that would give you adequate scope. :'''Cliff:''' Scope. What, like, um...shooting up in the Cabinet Office or something? Stuffing a cat up my arse and having a wank? What do you mean, scope? :'''Malcolm:''' You know, this could be a great deal worse. You have had a good innings. You have been here for 18 months. And you know, I have written some very nice things about you in the PM's reply to your resignation. Some very nice fucking things indeed. I had a lump in my throat. And you know why? Because no one who matters thinks any less of you over this -- ''so far.'' OK? ''(beat)'' Right. One more thing: ''[[wikipedia:The Daily Mail|The Daily Mail]]''. David Topham has got it into his head that we are gonna sack you because of press pressure. :'''Cliff:''' I wonder why. :'''Malcolm:''' Look. You're in no position to dish out fucking sarcasm. That's over. You no longer have purchase in the sarcasm world. Get on the phone. Tell him you're jumping before you're pushed -- although we were gonna push you, but not because of press pressure, but because of your deeply held fucking personal issues, whatever they were. :'''Cliff:''' You want me to write my own obituary. :'''Malcolm:''' Get on the fucking phone. Do it now. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Hugh Abbot, the new head of the Department of Social Affairs, is calling a big meeting to announce his first major policy. Joining Hugh in his office are his staff members: Glenn Cullen, Hugh's senior advisor and best friend; Oliver "Ollie" Reeder, Hugh's junior advisor; and Terri Coverley, the department's Chief Press Secretary.)'' :'''Hugh Abbot:''' Shush! I've got something very important to say. I've got -- Ollie, I've got something for us. I've got us a very, very tasty little morsel. Because this morning I had a chat with my very good friend, the Prime Minister of Great Britain. ''(Glenn, Ollie, and Terri are very interested.)'' Yes. And, um, remember the, um, um -- Ollie, your Benefit Unit Fraud... :'''Ollie Reeder:''' Anti-Benefit Fraud Executive. ABFE. :'''Hugh:''' ABFE. Um, Scrounger Squad. :'''Ollie:''' Snooper Squad. :'''Hugh:''' ''(correcting himself)'' Snooper Squad. :'''Terri Coverley:''' The one with the spending implications? :'''Hugh:''' Yes, and the Prime Minister's view, it turns out, is very much, "Fuck the spending implications, I like it." :'''Glenn Cullen:''' Good. :'''Hugh:''' So this is us. We're on the map. It's a chance for me, Glenn, to get on Richard & Judy and plant that flag right on their fucking sofa. :'''Terri:''' So the, um, the Prime Minister's authorized you -- he ''has'' authorized you to announce it, has he? :'''Hugh:''' That's very much what he signaled, yes, very clearly. He said that he's very much right behind us on this and it's very much what we should be doing. :'''Ollie:''' This is great. So we can do it this afternoon at the school, can't we? We can, uh, we can clear the press conference that we've got... :'''Terri:''' ''(getting up to leave)'' Excuse me. :'''Glenn:''' Yeah. We'll "double-bubble" it, yeah? We'll leak it to the Standard for the early editions and then trail it on the World at One. Yes? Right. I'll tell you, we, we need someone at the Standard we can give this to. What about Angela Heaney? She's at the Standard now, isn't she? Hugh? :'''Hugh:''' Yeah. :'''Glenn:''' Ollie? :'''Ollie:''' Um...yes, she is. Do you not think that maybe she's a bit junior, I think. :'''Glenn:''' Bit too much like your ex who broke your heart and then dumped you with a text message? :'''Ollie:''' It was a fucking e-mail. It wasn't a text message. :'''Glenn:''' We give it to her, she'll write what we want. :'''Hugh:''' She's easy. :'''Glenn:''' She is easy. :''(Terri returns to the office, trying to tell the guys to control their excitement over the Snooper Squad policy.)'' :'''Terri:''' Uh, one moment. I can see that you've all got very big, stiff hard-ons for this one -- :'''Hugh:''' Sorry? :'''Terri:''' That's -- that is nice. I'm not saying that's not nice. But... :'''Hugh:''' ''(surprised)'' Terri! :'''Terri:''' But there is absolutely no way we're gonna clear it by this afternoon. So... :'''Ollie:''' Why not? :'''Terri:''' Do cool it, just for a minute, and I'll ring Paul at the Treasury. :'''Hugh, Glenn, and Ollie:''' NO NO NO NO NO NO NO! :'''Hugh:''' No phone calls to the Treasury, thank you. :'''Ollie:''' If you call the Treasury to get anywhere near the announcement, he's gonna have to dress up as catering with a big tray of drinks and a pot of sliced lemons. :'''Hugh:''' I'm not doing that. :'''Terri:''' I'm just going by procedure. :'''Hugh:''' Terri, I love doing things the right way, that ethical stuff. I, I-I love it, I mean, we all, we all do. But -- but, you know, it's very difficult when you're the first person to put your gun down, because people tend to jump on your head as if it was a ripe watermelon. We don't want that, do we? :'''Ollie:''' The Prime Minister said he wants to do it. The Prime Minister is above the Treasury in the hierarchy. I can write it down on a chart if it actually helps. :'''Terri:''' Whatever. :'''Glenn:''' Thank you. :'''Terri:''' Very good, Minister. I'll get to it. :'''Hugh:''' ''(to Terri)'' You're just doing your job. ''(After Terri leaves, Hugh whispers to Glenn & Ollie)'' Not very well. :'''Glenn:''' ''(on his cell phone)'' Will you get Angela on the phone for Ollie? ''(to Ollie)'' You can deal with this, Ollie, yes? Thank you. :'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' The driver. :'''Ollie:''' ''(answering Glenn's question, despondently)'' Technically. :'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Will it be my usual driver? :'''Glenn:''' Yes, Hugh. :'''Hugh:''' I don't fucking like him. :'''Glenn:''' Why not? :'''Hugh:''' He's...I don't know. I think he despises me. :'''Glenn:''' We'll have to use him today, because you know how the pool system works. So we go down to the school...um...have to. :'''Hugh:''' He's sort of contemptuous. :'''Glenn:''' The driver? :'''Hugh:''' I feel like he looks down on me. :'''Glenn:''' No, Hugh, he likes you, I'm sure. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Hugh and Glenn are in the car listening to ''[[wikipedia:The World at One|The World at One]]''. They're celebrating Hugh's "Snooper Force" policy being given the green light.)'' :'''[[wikipedia:Nick Clarke|Nick Clarke]]:''' (on the radio) ''The World at One. This is Nick Clarke with 30 minutes of news...'' :'''Hugh:''' Well, you can fuck off for a start. :'''Nick Clarke:''' ''The Social Affairs Secretary Hugh Abbot...'' :'''Hugh:''' ''(quite proudly)'' Evening. :'''Glenn:''' First story up. :'''Hugh:''' Top of the bill. :'''Nick Clarke:''' ''...a uniformed, so-called Snooper Force. The announcement suggests the DSA has pushed the Treasury into releasing more funds, so we'll ask, is the Treasury losing its... :'''Hugh:''' Yes it is, and not before time! :'''Nick Clarke:''' ''...Social Affairs spokesman Mark Davis Nathenson... :'''Hugh:''' If you can get him out of the bath! :'''Nick Clarke:''' ''But first, the estimates of fatalities from yesterday's train disaster in Bangalore have risen precipitously overnight... :'''Hugh:''' Well, that's marvelous. :''(But then, Hugh's cell phone rings...)'' :'''Hugh:''' Oh, Tucker. ''(Happily answering the call)'' Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' What the fuck was that? Was this whole Snooper Force thing from you? :'''Hugh:''' Malcolm, I talked to the PM and this is completely kosher as far as he's concerned. You know, he gave the go-ahead and he said, you know, bounce the Treasury. :'''Malcolm:''' Don't you realise? We have got 17 different issues we are fighting with the Treasury about. :'''Hugh:''' I can hear that you are, as usual, upset. :'''Malcolm:''' I'll tell you why I'm upset. I'm upset because these fucking morons over at [[wikipedia:HM_Treasury|the Treasury]], these people, they are so paranoid. If you don't tell them about stuff like this, if you don't even cc them an email, they think you've started a palace coup! :'''Hugh:''' Mal– Malcolm – :'''Malcolm:''' You don't seem to understand that I'm gonna have to mop up a fucking hurricane of piss here from all of these neurotics! What did the Prime Minister ''actually'' say to you? :'''Hugh:''' He actually said, 'This is exactly the kind of thing we should be doing.' :'''Malcolm:''' ''What did he actually say?'' :'''Hugh:''' He said, 'This is exactly the sort of thing we should be doing.' :'''Malcolm:''' 'Should' be doing. 'Should' does not mean 'yes'. Now, there's only one thing to do here, and it's what I'm going to tell you to do. Kill it. :'''Hugh:''' I can't -- I can't kill it! I'm on my way to make the announcement! There's gonna be television cameras there and everything! :'''Malcolm:''' Well, fuck the television cameras! Think of something else to say! But just don't mention the bloody [[wikipedia:The_New_Avengers|New Avengers]] or the Snooper Force, or whatever the fuck you call it. :'''Hugh:''' Scam Busters? :'''Malcolm:''' Get rid of it. I don't wanna hear about it again. Bye. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Glenn is on the phone with Terri, telling her about a change in the Snooper Force story.)'' :'''Glenn:''' So the line is -- and call every news desk -- that the Snooper Force story is that it was led out by, quote, "a disgruntled civil servant," unquote. OK? :'''Terri:''' ''(privately annoyed)'' OK, great. :'''Glenn:''' And Terri? :'''Terri:''' Hmmm? :'''Glenn:''' You can drop that tone, all right? :'''Terri:''' What tone? :'''Glenn:''' The "I knew better all along" tone, yeah? It isn't fucking appreciated right now. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Ollie is in the car with Glenn & Hugh, and the three of them are discussing policy ideas while traveling.)'' :'''Hugh:''' All right. So...what the hell am I gonna say is the reason for me summoning all the nation's major news organisations to a school in Wiltshire? :'''Ollie:''' So you want something sexy and eye-catching, and that is free and universally popular and instantly applicable, no one can possibly object to it. :'''Glenn:''' Yep. :'''Ollie:''' Right. :'''Hugh:''' Yes. :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Well, really, you should've said something before, Glenn, because I've got a file about that fucking thick of that back in the office. Absolutely huge. Those sorts of policies are ten a penny. :'''Glenn:''' ''(getting mad)'' Ollie! :'''Ollie:''' Our entire manifesto is more or less made up of... :'''Glenn:''' ''(settling down)'' You know, it really doesn't help when you get cynical. You should think of this as an opportunity. :'''Ollie:''' It's not that easy to come up with ''[[wikipedia:Das Kapital|Das Kapital]]'' in the back of a cab, Glenn. :'''Hugh:''' ''(intervening)'' Ollie. :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh, handing him an electric razor)'' Here, shave. :''(As Hugh shaves his face, everybody settles down and gets back to the task at hand.)'' :'''Glenn:''' What we need is something that the public want, is incredibly popular and is free. :'''Ollie:''' Return of capital punishment. :'''Hugh:''' ''(unimpressed)'' That's a joke, right? You are joking, yes, obviously? Come on, Ollie, come up with something. :'''Ollie:''' National spare room database. :''(Nobody has any ideas yet -- UNTIL...)'' :'''Hugh:''' What about zoos? My kids went to a zoo, you know, the other day and they said-they said it was fucking disgusting. You know, the state of it. ''(beat)'' That's shit, isn't it? :'''Glenn:''' ''(nodding)'' No...but there is an idea there, because in the middle of the city, you've got wild animals. :'''Ollie:''' Pet ASBOs? Do you remember that? ASBOs for pets? :'''Hugh:''' Well, you see, that sounds potentially ludicrous. But then pet passports, I mean, that was a...that was a goer. :'''Glenn:''' What if everybody had to carry a plastic bag? By law? You know, the identification cards are coming in... :'''Hugh:''' ''(appalled)'' You've fucking cracked! Are you mad? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ollie:''' What if the announcement is...there's no big announcement. :'''Hugh:''' Oh, for goodness... :'''Ollie:''' No, no, wait. Right? We say, "The Department of Social Affairs has been doing amazing work, bread-and-butter work, belt-and-braces work, the kind of work that you people aren't interested in 'cos it's not shiny, shiny, media-friendly stuff. You are so obsessed with how things play in the media, you sickos, that every time we try and do, you know, just carry on with our day, you don't show up. So we have to call a big, you know, thing like this." :'''Hugh:''' On target, under budget. :'''Ollie:''' Coalface politics. :'''Hugh:''' Absolutely. Yes, I like that. :'''Glenn:''' Not wasting resources. :'''Hugh:''' Good. Let's do that. :'''Glenn:''' Let's go for that. :'''Hugh:''' We ''trick'' them. We ''trick'' them. Tinselly thing and they come along and then we say, "Ah-ha, that's what we've been doing, we've been doing our fucking jobs!" ''(beat)'' Yes, they never print that stuff, do they? :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, yeah, and you've come all this way, we've got you two hours out of London to come and cover this. :'''Hugh:''' You mugs! You mugs! :'''Ollie:''' But you know what? You've got a bigger story here than you have chasing your tinsel. :'''Hugh:''' Yeah, which is you live in a country which is properly -- There's not many countries can say that. :'''Glenn:''' And we've probably got 10,000,000 we can throw at it. :'''Hugh:''' Yes. That's good, that, because it sounds like a lot, doesn't it? <hr width="50%"/> :''(Hugh, Glenn and Ollie are at the school, preparing for Hugh's big speech.)'' :'''Ollie:''' I've got a thing here that says "springy concrete." I don't know, I think that's about the playground thing, but I don't... :'''Glenn:''' Springy concrete? :'''Hugh:''' ''(practicing his speech)'' Good afternoon...Should I say "Hello, boys and girls?" :'''Glenn:''' Yes, very nice. :'''Hugh:''' Like a fucking panto dame. :'''Ollie:''' He's gonna look ridiculous on the six o'clock news saying, "Hello, boys and girls." :'''Glenn:''' He's talking to the audience in front of him. :'''Hugh:''' ''(practicing)'' Real money for real families. ''(asking Glenn and Ollie)'' Real families or real people? :'''Glenn:''' Families. :'''Ollie:''' People. Real people. :'''Glenn:''' You see? Don't -- Families. :'''Ollie:''' Families sounds exclusive. It sounds kinda back to basics, it sounds [[wikipedia:John Major|John Major]]. :'''Glenn:''' People sounds Communist. :'''Ollie:''' It doesn't sound Communist. :'''Hugh:''' I'll say families. :'''Glenn:''' Thank you, Hugh. :'''Ollie:''' Say families of people. :''(A schools-woman approaches the room.)'' :'''Schools-woman:''' Mr. Abbot. :'''Glenn:''' Great. You're on. Here we go. :'''Hugh:''' Thank you. :'''Glenn:''' It's what you do best, mate. :'''Hugh:''' Yep. ''(to the schools-woman)'' This is lovely. Very nice indeed. <hr width="50%"/> :''(But a short time later...Hugh's speech bombed.)'' :'''Hugh:''' Well, that was a fucking disaster. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Surprisingly, Hugh's press conference was so boring that it was a success! Hugh and Glenn are celebrating at the office.)'' :'''Glenn:''' Well, you really pulled it round, mate. :'''Hugh:''' I took the flak, you supplied the flak jacket. :'''Glenn:''' Yeah, and the bullets bounced off. :'''Hugh:''' This is what it's all about, Glenn. :'''Glenn:''' Yeah. :'''Hugh:''' This is what it's -- All those years at the coalface, hanging in there, taking all the shit, all the bullshit. :'''Glenn:''' When you are Senior Cabinet Minister, then we'll show them. :'''Hugh:''' Yeah, and Snooper Force? Bollocks, we'll get rid of that. :'''Glenn:''' Aw, for fuck's sake, yeah. Fiddling while Rome burns. :'''Hugh:''' Fucking right. We'll kick some arse. We'll kick some butt! Kick some butt! :'''Glenn:''' That's what we're in it for, mate! Tell them all the shit that we do. :''(Glenn sees Malcolm standing behind Hugh, but Hugh is blissfully unaware.)'' :'''Hugh:''' It's a means to an end, mate. :''(Hugh then sees Malcolm right behind him.)'' :'''Hugh:''' Fuck me, Malcolm. How do you do that? :'''Malcolm:''' Can I have a word with you? :''(Glenn, who had earlier slammed doors in Ollie's and Terri's faces, finds a door being slammed in his face.)'' <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm wants to discuss Hugh's speech at the school.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(sighing heavily)'' I'm hacked off, mate. :'''Hugh:''' ''(stuttering)'' But we-we-we killed-we killed it. It's-it's-it's-it's killed. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, but once you start the fire...And we didn't start the fire. It was always burning since the world's been turning, et cetera, et cetera. :'''Hugh:''' S-Sorry, Malcolm, you're not making any sense. :'''Malcolm:''' Prime Minister, obviously, he's, uh, on the plane in Stockholm, and somebody hits him with ''The World At One.'' He thinks it's the Treasury trying to stiff him one, so he, um... ''(Malcolm takes a long pause)'' He stuck with the story. :'''Hugh:''' He liked it? :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, he's backing the Snooper Force. :'''Hugh:''' ''(smiling)'' Oh, right. ''(beat)'' We shouldn't really then have, I mean, ''you'' shouldn't really have, uh, told us to, uh...Should you? ''(chuckles)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(unamused)'' Don't should me, Hugh. 'Cos I'll should you right back. I'll should you right through that window. None of this ''should'' be happening, SHOULD it? ''SHOULD IT?'' ''SHOULD IT?'' :'''Hugh:''' Is that should in the...sense of yes, or...? :'''Malcolm:''' It's should in the sense of "You should do as you're fucking told." :'''Hugh:''' What, um...What are we gonna do now? :'''Malcolm:''' You're gonna completely reverse your position. :'''Hugh:''' Hang on-hang on-hang on a second. Hang-Malcolm, it's-it's not actually that, um – I mean, that's gonna be quite hard, really. :'''Malcolm:''' Yes, well the announcement that you didn't make today, you did. :'''Hugh:''' No, no, I didn't, ''and'' there were television cameras there while I was not doing it. :'''Malcolm:''' Fuck them. :'''Hugh:''' I'm not quite sure h– what level of reality I'm supposed to be operating on. :'''Malcolm:''' Look, this is what they run with. I tell them that you said it, they believe that you said it. They don't really believe you said it, they ''know'' that you never said it. :'''Hugh:''' Right. :'''Malcolm:''' But it's in their interests to say that you said it. Because if they don't say that you said it, they're not gonna get what you say tomorrow or the next day, when I decide to tell them what it is you're saying. :'''Hugh:''' Yeah, I-I am following this. I just... :'''Malcolm:''' I had a friend who used to indulge in extramarital affairs, OK? He would go off and he'd have some dalliance, and every Monday he'd come back and he'd meet his wife. And he told me that all he did was inside his head turn a little switch. The affair never happened. OK? :'''Hugh:''' Right. :'''Malcolm:''' There's not a prob -- I don't -- What is the problem with this? :'''Hugh:''' The problem with it...First of all, I -- I didn't get much dalliance. :'''Malcolm:''' Get it into your head. Rewind today into your head. :'''Hugh:''' OK, stop explaining it to me! :'''Malcolm:''' I have to fucking explain it to you, man. You haven't been here long enough. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Ollie is in an office arguing with his ex-girlfriend, Angela Heaney...who's also a news journalist.)'' :'''Ollie:''' I'm really glad you came in, Angela. :'''Angela Heaney:''' Well, I could lose my job, Ollie. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah... :'''Angela:''' Because I went all hot and heavy to the news desk with three directly contradictory stories in one day. :'''Ollie:''' I know, :'''Angela:''' They gave me flip-flops. You know? Someone actually went out and bought me flip-flops to give me. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah. You've gotta give them credit for that, that is quite funny. :'''Angela:''' Yeah. And they pasted onto them...a fucking porn picture of a girl sucking a big cock and they wrote, "Angela Heaney swallows anything." :'''Ollie:''' That is less funny. Obviously, that's actually quite offensive. :'''Angela:''' Can you give me one good reason why I shouldn't do a big story on the, you know, the day of spin? :'''Ollie:''' Wh-Why? What sort of story? ''(Ollie starts stammering and struggling to defend himself...)'' :'''Angela:''' Inside story of a government department out of control. With diagrams and maybe a flow chart with your face and name on it. And Glenn's and Hugh's and big arrows showing who spoke to who and how you all ''fucked it up!'' Yeah, I think I could write that one up myself, Ollie. I think I could do the punctuation on ''that'' one! :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, I-I'm sorry. Okay, I was patronis... :''(Suddenly, Malcolm comes into the office.)'' :'''Malcolm''': Hey. Hi, Angela. Oh, I like the hair, nice little corkscrews. How's it going? :'''Ollie''': Yeah, er, fine. Um, we were just, er, talking about why Angela shouldn't do a big story on the big insidery piece, kinda day of spin, sort of spread in the paper... :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Oh, I don't know. ''(to Angela)'' Maybe you should! Good idea. :''(Malcolm leaves -- then comes back.)'' :'''Malcolm''': Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute. I know why she shouldn't. Because, you know, if she did that, she'd be dead. To me, to this department, to the government. And she'll never get another story, or a fucking whiff of a story as long as she kept her sorry, hack bitch face lingering around Westminster, because I would call every editor I know - which, obviously, that's all of them - and I'd tell them to gouge her name out of their address books so she'd never even get a job on hospital radio ''where the sad sack belongs.'' That's what I'd tell her. ''(to Ollie)'' But maybe you should do it. See you later. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah. ''(to Angela)'' He's actually...He can be really nice. It's been a very long day. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hugh:''' I want a new driver. Get me a new driver. I don't want to see this guy ever again. :'''Glenn:''' On what grounds? :'''Hugh:''' Smiling. Inappropriate smiling. And smirking. Smiling and smirking. I don't want to see that smile or smirk ever again. OK? Thank you. ''(Hugh turns to the driver)'' OK, thank you very much. :'''Driver:''' Which way do you want to go? :'''Hugh:''' I don't care, you're the boss. ==Series 1, Episode 2== :''(This is the opening scene of the episode.)'' :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' You're late. And you look like shit. :'''Hugh:''' I know both of those things already. [[wikipedia:Margaret Thatcher|Margaret Thatcher]] used to survive on less than four hours' sleep a night. How is that possible? :'''Glenn:''' Monkey glands. She was mad. Mad people have different needs. :'''Hugh:''' And she lived above the shop, so she didn't have to commute. God, London is so big. Can't we devolve some of it? If I could get just one decent night's shut-eye... :'''Glenn:''' Well, Hugh, do yourself a favor. Stay over in the flat. :'''Hugh:''' I can't break my promise to Kate. :'''Glenn:''' I mean, do you actually get to see the children? :'''Hugh:''' Glenn, I don't have time for that. All I do... I work, I eat, I shower. That's it. Occasionally... I take a dump, just as a sort of treat. I mean, that really is my treat. That's what it's come to. I sit there and I think, "No, I'm not going to read the [[wikipedia:New_Statesman|''New Statesman'']]. This time is just for me. This is quality time just for me." Is that normal? :'''Glenn''': It's sad. :'''Hugh''': Well at least I've made something. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm and Hugh are on the phone, discussing an article by Simon Hewitt.)'' :'''Hugh:''' Hello, Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' Have you got Simon Hewitt's piece in front of you? :'''Hugh:''' I haven't been quite through it, erm, yet. :'''Malcolm:''' Have you got to the bit where he calls ''you'' out of your depth? :'''Hugh:''' No, at the moment he's calling me 'the political equivalent of the house wine at a suburban Indian restaurant'. That's not very good, is it? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hugh:''' So, how do we respond to this? :'''Terri:''' Right, we don't exchange insults with bloody Simon arsepipes titty-twat. :'''Ollie:''' Is that honestly the best swearing that you can come up with? :'''Glenn:''' This is a bucket of shit: if someone throws shit at us, we throw shit back at them, we start a shit fight. We throw so much shit back at them that they can't pick up shit, they can't throw shit, they can't do shit. :'''Terri:''' Mm. :'''Hugh:''' That's top swearing, Glenn, well done. :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Terri)'' Watch and learn. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hugh:''' ''(thinking of policy ideas)'' Shut up for a minute, please. Where else can we go? Pollution, the environment. Litter. Dog shit. :'''Ollie:''' Aiming high. :'''Hugh:''' We aimed high, now we're at dog shit. :'''Ollie:''' So what you're looking for – :'''Malcolm:''' ''(entering the room)'' OK, this is what we're doing. I'm putting it about through a number of cronies – :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Morning, Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' – that Hewitt's piece was a packet of bollocks; he did it as a favour to Cliff. :'''Ollie:''' Cliff being – :'''Glenn:''' Cliff Lawton. :'''Ollie:''' Oh right. :'''Malcolm:''' Hugh's predecessor. He and Hewitt are as tight as arse cheeks. :'''Hugh:''' Are they now? :'''Malcolm:''' Fuck knows, but that's what we're saying, OK? It's personal, it's backslapping, it's borderline homoerotic, and you are an innocent victim of a nasty media stitch-up. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Hugh has just asked Terri which policy idea she prefers: Glenn's or Ollie's?)'' :'''Terri:''' It's not my role to have a preference. I sell the apples. If you want me to sell the apples, I'll sell the apples. And if you want me to sell the oranges, then I'll go and tell people the apples? "The apples are shit, Ollie. They're shit." I'll say, "Go on! Check out our oranges!" <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' And you're against it? :'''Glenn:''' It'll die on its arse! 'My grandma was mugged by some ferret-faced teenager with a neck tattoo, what are you gonna do about it?' 'Teach him to play the bassoon.' It is, as my dear old mother would have said, double wank and shit chips.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Glenn:''' Well, my guts still say no. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well substantial as they are, they've been outvoted.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Hugh:''' Malcolm, I know you were very keen on Terri's appointment but, um – :'''Malcolm:''' She's shit. :'''Hugh:''' Well, I wouldn't go that far. :'''Malcolm:''' She's a box-ticker, Hugh. She can't think outside the box. :'''Hugh:''' No, in fact she's built a box inside the actual box and she's doing her thinking inside that box. :'''Malcolm:''' Exactly, I like that. :'''Hugh:''' I'm sorry, I'm so tired, Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' No, that's good. :'''Hugh:''' I have so much stuff to read and think about. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Terri''': Anyway, these focus groups, they're absolutely useless. :'''Ollie''': Oh, so it's useless to ask people what they think, is it? It's useless to ask people's opinions before we formulate a policy? It's useless?! :'''Glenn''': Look, there's no point in asking people what they think. They either don't know what they think or they think that you should bring back hanging for traffic wardens. Or they just think what every right-minded thinking person would think, and that's just common sense! :'''Ollie''': Oh, yeah yeah yeah, oh yeah, ''"I'm Geoff Average, and I think the same as everybody else cos I'm Mr Average Normal Bloke and everybody thinks like me cos I work in IT, and on the weekends I pop a few pills and do a bit of DJ-ing, y'know, spare cash cos I'm a single mum and I'm a member of the [[wikipedia:National_Trust_for_Places_of_Historic_Interest_or_Natural_Beauty|National Trust]], I enjoy any sports on TV, anything with Colin Firth, I enjoy domestic violence and sun-dried fucking...karaoke."'' Not everybody is the same, Glenn! People can surprise you! :'''Glenn:''' Was that good-natured joshing? <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm is still working late at night in his office, eating a piece of fruit, when his cell phone rings.) :'''Malcolm:''' ''(answering the call)'' Tucker. :'''Simon Hewitt:''' Malcolm, uh...hope I didn't wake you up. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(spitting)'' Hewitt. :'''Simon:''' Yeah, I'm doing a piece this Sunday, a big piece on focus groups. It's sort of inspired by your latest policy disaster. I'm gonna be concentrating on how your man Abbot can't do a single thing without focus groups. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(clearly unmoved)'' I'm shaking with fear. :'''Simon:''' Yeah, well, that's sexual jealousy. :'''Malcolm:''' You're so very very witty. Pity none of it ever makes it into your columns. :'''Simon:''' Listen, I'd love to spend the rest of the evening listening to you, but I've got better things to do. :'''Malcolm:''' Fuck off back to your match reports, you twat! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hugh:''' How fucked am I? :'''Ollie:''' Well, you look awful, you look terrible. I mean, you often look quite bad, but... :'''Hugh:''' I mean, in terms of negative publicity. On the fuckometer, where am I? :'''Glenn:''' Oh, 12. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah. 12, say. :'''Hugh:''' Out of what? :'''Glenn:''' Er... 50. :'''Ollie:''' Oh. Mine was out of ten. :'''Hugh:''' Right, ''(to Glenn)'' so I'm 24% fucked according to you, ''(to Ollie)'' but according to you I'm 120% fucked? :'''Ollie:''' Um, yeah, I didn't... :''(But before Ollie can finish his thought, Terri enters the office.)'' :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Terri)'' Terri, have you got anything for us? :'''Terri:''' Well, I can't ask them to drop the piece. It would make us look pathetic. :'''Hugh:''' Terri, I don't mean to come across all Mr. Gradgrind, but this is your job, isn't it? Sorting out the press? This is what you do for a living? :'''Terri:''' This is Malcolm's problem, anyway. He's the one who took it over. It's him that spun that... :''(Before Terri can finish her point, Malcolm enters the room and takes charge.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' All right, listen up, this is what we're gonna do. I'm bringing forward Hugh's interview with Angela to this afternoon. :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Morning, Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' It goes out as a spoiler tomorrow morning. That way, we can get our side of the story across and also piss all over Simon Hewitt's corn flakes, sadly only metaphorically, yeah? Right, okay. Ollie, call Heaney. Terri, get on to her editor. Glenn, book her room. [[wikipedia:The_Professionals_(TV_series)|Bodie, Doyle, you go round the back]]. :''(The other 4 are confused by Malcolm.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' At times of stress, I make jokes! :''(Glenn, Terri and Ollie go about their business.)'' :'''Hugh:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Right, um...What do I do? :'''Malcolm:''' Sit down in front of the TV with me. You're gonna watch that Zeitgeist tape now. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm and Hugh are in Hugh's office watching The Bill on tape. Hugh is sort of dozing off to sleep, when all of a sudden...he wakes up to see Mary, the Focus Group Superstar, in the show!)'' :'''Hugh:''' Oh, shit. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, I know, but people watch it. This gets 6,000,000. :'''Hugh:''' Oh, shit. :'''Malcolm:''' What? :'''Hugh:''' She's an actress. :'''Malcolm:''' Who? :'''Hugh:''' Mary, from the focus group, she's an actress. :'''Malcolm:''' Oh, relax, that doesn't matter. These focus groups, they do it all the time. If they're a bit short on numbers, they bung in a couple of actors. It doesn't matter because it's a focus group - key word, "group." :''(Hugh's trying to find a solution to his problem...)'' :'''Hugh:''' Ooh, I've just remembered. Um...can you just... :'''Malcolm:''' Should I pause it? :'''Hugh:''' If you could pause it for a second, I'll be...I'm sorry, I'll just be back in a sec. :''(Hugh rushes to get help from Glenn. Hugh has to whisper to Glenn so Malcolm doesn't hear anything.)'' :'''Hugh:''' Glenn? :'''Glenn:''' What? :'''Hugh:''' I've got a bit of a problem. You remember Mary from the focus group? :'''Glenn:''' What, Miss, uh, Immaculate Bloody Conception? :'''Hugh:''' She's an actress. :'''Glenn:''' What do you mean? :'''Hugh:''' Well, I mean she's – No, there's no clearer way of saying it, she's an actress. :'''Glenn:''' Are you sure? :'''Hugh:''' I've just seen her, she's in ''[[wikipedia:The_Bill|The fucking Bill]]''! :'''Glenn:''' Oh, Jesus! Look, this doesn't necessarily have to be a total fucking disaster. :'''Hugh:''' Oh, I think it does, because she wasn't for real, she's not really, uh, a stay-at-home [[wikipedia:Middle_England|Middle England]] housewife, she-she's just playing a part, so what she said wasn't, you know – :''(Hugh and Glenn walk past Terri, who is on the phone.)'' :'''Glenn:''' Yes. Yeah, I do know. :'''Terri:''' What, who said what wasn't what? :'''Hugh:''' ''(whispering to Terri)'' We are organising focus groups to listen to the opinions of ordinary people, except they're ''not'' ordinary people! They're fucking actors, so they're not technically people at all! :''(Glenn and Hugh go to Ollie's desk.)'' :'''Terri:''' ''(on the phone)'' Can I get back to you? :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' What is it? :'''Glenn:''' Your fucking legend is a fucking actress! :'''Ollie:''' Well, 'cause the focus group companies do it all the time. If they can't cobble together, you know, the right cross-section, they call a casting agency – :'''Glenn:''' Dial-an-opinion, is it? 'Send me three liberals, two fucking mavericks and a racist.' Brilliant, Ollie! Brilliant! :'''Hugh:''' ''(whispering)'' We've based the whole thing on her! Just her! Her alone! :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Don't you see? Why didn't you run it past me for once? :''(Hugh storms off towards a nearby cupboard.)'' :'''Hugh:''' ''(still whispering)'' Shit! Shit! :''(Glenn, Ollie and Terri continue whispering argumentatively.)'' :'''Glenn:''' It's not real! :'''Terri:''' I thought I recognized her. You know, she was in ''[[wikipedia:Midsomer Murders|Midsomer Murders]]''. :'''Glenn:''' Why didn't you say anything? :'''Terri:''' I saw her in ''Midsomer Murders''. I thought she might've had a twin or something. :'''Glenn:''' What a stupid thing to... :''(While Glenn, Terri and Ollie continue arguing, Hugh sulks silently in the cupboard.)'' :'''Hugh:''' Fuck! Fuck! :''(But as soon as Hugh starts banging things and making noise, somebody opens the cupboard door: It's Malcolm...and he's not happy.)'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' You said 'she.' :'''Hugh:''' Yes. :'''Malcolm:''' Come out of the cupboard, Hugh. :'''Hugh:''' No. :''(Malcolm enters the cupboard.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Hugh, we have to sort this out. When I asked you about the focus group – :'''Hugh:''' Yeah. :'''Malcolm:''' – you said 'she' loved it. :'''Hugh:''' We gave her a one-on-one. :'''Malcolm:''' Why? :'''Hugh:''' She's Middle England. :'''Malcolm:''' So Middle England is a big fucking field, with ''one woman'' standing in it? :'''Hugh:''' Do you think Hewitt will find out? :'''Malcolm:''' OF COURSE HE FUCKING WILL, SHE'S HIS MOLE! THAT'S WHY HE'S GOT A PIECE IN THE PAPER TOMORROW! :''(Malcolm leaves the cupboard, with Hugh right behind him.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Glenn, Ollie, Terri and Hugh)'' We've got to shut this down now, right? I want this leaked to Angela Heaney. It's damage control, OK? We put out the story the way ''we'' want it, before Hewitt fucks us up the bugle! Get onto it, now! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Hugh, Glenn and Ollie are trying to defend themselves. Terri's on the phone trying to contact Angela Heaney.)'' :'''Hugh:''' I didn't know that she's an actress! :'''Glenn:''' No, exactly! We, we've been lied to! We've been abused! We are the victims of abuse! :'''Terri:''' ''(holding the phone)'' Ollie? :'''Ollie:''' Shut up! :'''Terri:''' Can you call her? :'''Ollie:''' Yes, I'll call her! :''(Malcolm re-enters the picture.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Hugh)'' How could I know you are a broken vase? :'''Hugh:''' What the fuck are you talking about? :'''Malcolm:''' You're a broken vase! :'''Hugh:''' How do I know she's an actress? I never watch television! That's why you have to give me a stupid tape! :''(Hugh comes up with a plan...)'' :'''Hugh:''' Listen, we're gonna get her in, we're gonna talk to her, she'll meet us...I will talk to her because I'm good with people. She can help us, she'll see our point of view, we'll be fine. :'''Malcolm:''' Well, I hope so. I hope that's what gonna happen. :'''Ollie:''' Or we kill her. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Later that night, Malcolm, Hugh, Glenn and Ollie are talking to Mary. They're discussing what's going to happen because of her being an actress in a focus group.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Mary)'' Do you just want to think about what is going to happen tomorrow? :'''Hugh:''' Because tomorrow, you are gonna find the press all over you – :'''Mary:''' In a good way? :'''Hugh:''' No, not in a good way at all, I can tell you – :'''Malcolm:''' You know that film ''[[Notting Hill]]'', have you seen that? :'''Glenn:''' She's probably fucking in it. :'''Malcolm:''' You know that bit where the guy opens the door – :'''Mary:''' What is this? :'''Malcolm:''' – and there's like millions of journalists and hacks and photographers and all flashbulbs are going off? In about four hours time, that's gonna be you, darling: they're gonna be all over you like fucking cockroaches. :'''Hugh''' ''(trying to comfort Mary)'': It's OK, it's OK. :'''Malcolm:''' No no no no no no no no, it's NOT OK! It's not gonna be OK, and I'll tell you why: Because you're fair game. So I hope your knickers are clean. Because every seat-sniffing little shitbag that's ever filed a byline is gonna be questioning you. 'Cause now, it's in the fucking public interest, isn't it? And they're gonna hit you with any shit they can find and you're gonna be spread out there in front of them like a trollop in the [[wikipedia:Stocks|stocks]]! :'''Mary:''' I still don't really understand what's going on. :'''Malcolm:''' We can hold those dogs back, right? :'''Mary:''' What do you mean? :'''Malcolm:''' We can get you a nice journalist, yeah? :'''Glenn:''' Yes, exactly. :'''Malcolm:''' We can get you a nice young journalist, Angela Heaney...and maybe you...maybe you, I mean I don't know what shit that he made you sign, but whatever it was, it was bullshit. Maybe if you just say that, you know, uh, you were misquoted and also that Simon Hewitt's a prick, right? If you just said that... :'''Mary:''' Who? :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, the journalist that you told your story to. :'''Mary:''' I, I didn't...I didn't talk to any journalist. :'''Malcolm:''' You spoke to Simon Hewitt. :'''Mary:''' No, I... :'''Malcolm:''' You fucking spoke to Simon Hewitt, he's a fat guy with a tiny little dick the size of a bookie's biro. You fucking spoke to him. :'''Mary:''' ''(getting mad)'' I'd like to go now! :''(Now, ALL the guys are shouting!)'' :'''Glenn:''' Did you speak to Simon Hewitt? :'''Mary:''' No! I don't even know... :'''Hugh:''' You didn't speak to him. :'''Malcolm:''' She didn't fucking speak to him. :''(The guys are starting to realize that Mary's telling the truth.)'' :'''Mary:''' I don't know anyone called...Simon...whatever the fuck. :''(Malcolm starts yelling under his breath.)'' :'''Ollie:''' Hewitt. :'''Mary:''' Hewitt, yeah. :'''Glenn:''' She doesn't even know! ''(to Malcolm)'' Malcolm...Fuck's sake! :'''Mary:''' ''(talking about Malcolm)'' What's the matter with him? :'''Glenn:''' Ollie. ''(Glenn's motioning to Ollie to take Mary out of the room.)'' :'''Hugh:''' ''(to Mary)'' Sorry for anything I said that might have upset you. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(trying to apologize to Mary)'' Sorry, darling. Sorry, love. Just been crossed lines, darling. Sorry about that... :'''Mary:''' Will you leave me alone? :''(Ollie escorts Mary, who's understandably upset, out of the room.)'' <hr width="50%" /> :'''Malcolm:''' '''''FOR FUCK'S SAKE!''''' :'''Glenn:''' She didn't even know! :'''Malcolm:''' Fuck him! :'''Hugh:''' That didn't really work, did it? :'''Glenn:''' Is it too late... :'''Hugh:''' ''(confused and stunned)'' So can I just get this, this straight, just for my, just for my own sanity... :'''Glenn:''' Listen, if we get on the phone, can we pull the front page? :'''Hugh:''' No. It's too late. :'''Glenn:''' You mean Heaney's piece is gonna go ahead anyway now? :'''Malcolm:''' Of course it's gonna fucking go ahead! I mean, I'm good but I can't fucking hold back the tide, can I? Alright, that's it. That's it. I'm going to bed. :'''Hugh:''' Kind of ironic, really... :'''Malcolm:''' You're fucking on your own! ''(Malcolm angrily leaves, slamming the door.)'' :'''Hugh:''' ...because she, she hasn't actually spoken to, to Hewitt, uh...and we've, of our own volition, voluntarily released the story to the, to the press...unnecessarily. Um...Damn. <hr width="50%" /> :'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Can you wake me in a couple of hours? ''(Hugh lies down on a sofa)'' There's no time to go home, I'll just pass myself coming back in. ==Series 1, Episode 3== :'''Terri:''' Did you say we were gonna do a press release? :'''Hugh:''' Yes, erm, "Following a successful report stage debate, Secretary of State for Social Affairs, Hugh Abbot, today announced: 'I'm the fucking daddy!'"<hr width="50%" /> :'''Dan Miller:''' How are you, Glenn? :'''Glenn:''' I'm good, thank you – Actually, I just thought you were very heavy-handed with the backbenchers. No need for it in this day and age. :'''Dan Miller:''' Listen, Glenn. I mean, you know as well as I do, if you're going to make an omelette, you're going to have to have some frank and honest discussion with the eggs. And that's all I was doing. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm is in his office on his desk phone, trying to explain himself to a fellow government official.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' I'm not complacent, Tom. ''(beat)'' Yeah, I know we did take a hit over the-the-the focus group thing, but it wasn't a ''big'' hit. ''(beat)'' Oh yeah? Says who? ''(beat)'' Oh, the prime minister told you that, huh? Well, get you. ''(beat)'' Look, I can only cook with what I've been given. You know, it's like ''[[wikipedia:Ready Steady Cook|Ready Steady Cook]].'' You give me Hugh Abbot, I'll give you bangers and mash. But if you give me Gerry from the Home Office, well then, I can raise it to fucking risotto and scallops. Do you know what I mean? ''(beat)'' Yeah yeah yeah. Ok, ok. Ok, bye. <hr width="50%"/> :''(looking at Hugh's tie)'' :'''Glenn:''' What are those? They're little hippos, aren't they? :'''Hugh:''' I don't know what they are actually; I think they're just unidentified amusing creatures. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hugh:''' So what time does this ''[[w:Daily Mail|Daily Mail]]'' hack get here? :'''Glenn:''' Ten minutes, it's Angela Heaney, didn't I tell you? :'''Hugh:''' So she left the ''[[w:Evening Standard|Standard]]''? :'''Glenn:''' That's right, absolutely. :'''Hugh:''' Go on then: ask me some questions. :'''Glenn:''' Right, OK, I'll be Angela Heaney, and I'll ask you some questions. :'''Hugh:''' My God, that's uncanny. Mind you, your tits are a bit bigger than hers. :'''Glenn:''' Is it true that, although this Housing Bill went through Parliament with incredible ease – :'''Hugh:''' Actually, can you just do it as yourself? Sorry, it's just slightly unsettling. :'''Glenn:''' Right, erm – that you'll find a lot of difficulty in the real world? :'''Hugh:''' On the contrary, this Bill is going to do an extraordinary amount of good for an extraordinarily large number of people. Ordinary people, but ordinary people who ''deserve'' a little bit of the extraordinary in their lives. :''(both start giggling)'' :'''Glenn:''' Perfect. That's brilliant. That's brilliant! :'''Hugh:''' It's a piece of piss. :'''Glenn:''' There you are, you see. :'''Hugh:''' Go on, ask me something hard. :'''Glenn:''' Where's the [[w:Nazi gold|Nazi gold]], you donkey-shagger? :'''Hugh:''' I'm very pleased you asked me that, Angela, because let me just say right away that this Bill is going to do an extraordinary amount of good for an extraordinarily large – <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm''' ''(in his office, on his mobile)'': Hi Tom, what can I do for you? ''(beat)'' Well, I-I didn't know what he was doing with his flat – I told him that fucking flat w– Well, they're not running with this – No, well, I know, he's got-he's got an interview now with that-that-that Angela Heaney, you know, the twat bubble from the ''Standard'' – Fuck, she's just gone to the ''Mail''. I'm onto it. ''(Malcolm hangs up and leaves his office.)'' <hr width="50%"/> :''(After a LOT of running, Malcolm finally arrives at the floor where Hugh is talking to Angela Heaney.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' WHERE THE FUCK IS HE??? :'''Ollie:''' He's in the goldfish bowl! :'''Malcolm:''' Fuck! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Hugh is still talking to Angela.)'' :'''Hugh:''' No, no. Look, I'm very glad you brought that up, because that -- gives me...that gives me the opportunity to...Sorry...I...''(Hugh's looking at Malcolm through the 'goldfish bowl')'' Just mucking about...Um... :'''Hugh:''' I have always maintained very clearly... :'''Malcolm:''' ''(opening the door)'' Hi, Angela. Sorry, sorry, sorry, can I just borrow the Minister for a moment? :'''Hugh:''' Sure. Sorry, be right back with you. :''(Barely audible, outside the 'goldfish bowl' where Angela was interviewing Hugh...)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Hugh)'' They're running about your fucking flat, I fucking told you about that. How the fuck did you think it was gonna run, you STUPID CUNT?! How am I supposed to control what's going on if I don't know WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON? YOU'RE A FUCKING PRICK! AN ABSOLUTE CUNT! DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT? :''(While Malcolm is still yelling at Hugh, Terri opens the door to the "Goldfish Bowl." She comes in and offers to get Angela some goodies.)'' :'''Terri:''' Angela, can I get you a fresh cup of coffee? :'''Angela:''' No, I'm fine, thanks. :'''Terri:''' Um, would you like some tea? :'''Angela:''' Nope, nope. :'''Terri:''' No biscuits or anything? :'''Angela:''' No. :'''Terri:''' Do let me know if you need anything else. :'''Angela:''' I will. Thanks very much. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Hugh)'' GET BACK IN THERE AND WRAP THIS BULLSHIT UP! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Hugh re-enters the 'goldfish bowl'...) :'''Hugh:''' Ah. Hah! Bit of a disagreement. :'''Angela:''' Blimey. :'''Hugh:''' Yeah. Um, could you...I'm just curious, could you hear? Because we were actually...We can be quite brutal to each other, because we're actually very, very good, good friends. :'''Angela:''' Right. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Moments later, Malcolm is in Hugh's office, arguing with Glenn and Ollie over the scandal involving Hugh and his flat.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Glenn)'' You haven't been accepting ''any'' offers? :'''Glenn:''' NO! :'''Malcolm:''' Jesus... :'''Glenn:''' Well, that wasn't the point! The whole deal was we put the flat on the market so if the press are asking us, we say, "Fuck off, he's selling it!" They'll go away and then, you know, Hugh's got a place in town! :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' What the fuck is your girlfriend doing hitting us with this, huh? :'''Ollie:''' Well, she's not my girlfriend, Malcolm. So I've no idea. :'''Malcolm:''' Oh, well you won't mind if I kill her then, will you? :'''Ollie:''' It'd solve a lot of issues for me, to be honest with you. :'''Malcolm:''' Hey! Hey hey hey, if you could sweet-talk that sour-faced bitch into dropping us you'd be sweet to me, you'd be very very sweet – :'''Ollie:''' If I could sweet-talk that sour-faced bitch into anything I would have had a more comfortable four months – :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah well, I'll just have to kill the both of you then, won't I? :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, well. :'''Malcolm:''' That's a joke, by the way, not a very nice one, a nasty one which masks a lot of very negative feelings about this fucking department. :''(Malcolm's cell phone rings...)'' :'''Malcolm:''' (looking at his phone)'' Oh, Jesus. Tom Davies. ''(answering)'' Tom! Hello, how are you? Yes. No no, he was already there when I got there, he was talking to her. ''(Malcolm leaves Hugh's office.)'' <hr width="50%"/> :''(Hugh re-enters the office as he and his team try to create an emergency strategy of sorts.)'' :'''Hugh:''' What is happening? :'''Ollie:''' What the hell was that? :'''Hugh:''' What is happening? That was supposed-that was supposed to be a nice interview. :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' What on Earth did you say to her? :'''Hugh:''' I think-I think I denied being a racist. I hope so. :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Hugh)'' You didn't say that you have lots of black friends, you didn't go... :'''Hugh:''' Of course not. Well, I haven't-I haven't got any. :'''Ollie:''' What did you say about the offers? :'''Hugh:''' ''(stammering)'' I-I-I said I wasn't, I wasn't...someone else was handling the sale and I wasn't aware of any offers. :'''Glenn:''' Hugh? :'''Hugh:''' Hmm? :'''Glenn:''' Did you mention me by name? :'''Hugh:''' ''(still stammering)'' Um, possibly -- No, I-I don't think -- I-I may in between denying racism, possibly have, yes. :'''Glenn:''' ''(displeased)'' Thank you. Thank you very much. Thanks a fucking bunch! :''(Terri enters the office.)'' :'''Terri:''' OK, so what's the line on this then? :'''Hugh:''' I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. What is-what is the line on this? :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh, still upset)'' I don't know! Don't look at me! :'''Hugh:''' But we need to have a line on this. :''(Malcolm re-enters the office with some surprise news.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' OK, we've got movement, we got a break. :'''Glenn:''' What? What? What? :'''Malcolm:''' The flat's sold. :'''Hugh:''' ''(in disbelief)'' ''WHAT?'' :'''Malcolm:''' To the Asian family, for 40 grand below the asking price. But that's alright. :'''Glenn:''' Jesus! :'''Hugh:''' ''WHAT IS HAPPENING?!'' :'''Terri:''' Malcolm? :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah? :'''Terri:''' We're too late. :'''Malcolm:''' What? :'''Terri:''' All the papers have got a hold of it. The ''Express'' has been making offers on it, at the asking price and also £30,000 more. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(stunned)'' Jesus... :'''Terri:''' Haven't been accepted. :'''Malcolm:''' We've got to stall. :'''Hugh:''' This is madness! I just own a flat, I haven't raped somebody! :'''Terri:''' ''(on her cell phone)'' Yeah, they're calling the scandal "Flatgate." :'''Hugh:''' ''Scandal?!'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(whispering to Terri)'' Flatgate?! :'''Glenn:''' Well, that's crap. It's a crap name for a scandal. :'''Terri:''' They should call it "Notting Hill Gate-gate." :'''Hugh:''' Can we at least stop calling it a scandal? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Terri, unamused)'' Are you joking? Are you joking now? :'''Terri:''' ''(leaving the office)'' On my way to stall. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, get stalling. :''(A moment of silence...and then...)'' :'''Hugh:''' Maybe we can just blame it all on Terri. :'''Glenn:''' That is an option, isn't it? <hr width="50%"/> :''(The next day, Hugh is in Malcolm's office...arguing about "Flatgate.")'' :'''Hugh:''' It's a flat! :'''Malcolm:''' It is a second home! In a borough with thousands of homeless people that you have kept more or less empty for ages! Have you not read your own Housing Bill, for God's sake? :'''Hugh:''' It wasn't-I only kept it empty for a little while to see my bloody family. Obviously, on reflection, I should have filled it with prostitutes and, and rent boys and crack cocaine pimp tattoo freaks. :'''Malcolm:''' Thanks to Dan Miller and his like, the Housing Bill is a success, but this is ''burying'' the whole thing! :'''Hugh:''' Well, what do you want ''me'' to do? ''Resign?'' ''(Malcolm stares at him)'' No, no! No, that is – I'm not going over this. :'''Malcolm:''' The way out of this situation is for you to – :'''Hugh:''' This is madness, Malcolm, this desire for perfection, that – I am not perfect, I am just a person, right? I need to sleep, I need to eat, occasionally I need to take a dump. So, I mean, what's next, I mean, do we put that on the evening news, on the front page? "Minister is disgusting defecation outburst". [[wikipedia:Mollie_Sugden|Mollie Sugden]] at Number 10: "Did you enjoy your shit, Mr Abbot?" They should just clone ministers, you know, so we're born at 55, with no past, and no flats, and no genitals. Just a world of robots in a sort of – It's like a futuristic film, and you'd enjoy that, wouldn't you? You'd be in your little space station surrounded by obedient androids, like that fucking brushed-aluminium Dan Miller cyber-prick! :'''Malcolm:''' It ''is'' possible to have a good resignation, you know! :'''Hugh:''' ''A good resignation?'' Oh, I'm looking forward to how you're gonna sell ''this'' to me! :'''Malcolm:''' Look, people really like it when you go just a bit early! You know, steely-jawed, faraway look in your eyes! Before they're getting to the point when they're sitting round in the pub saying "Oh, that fucker's got to go", you ''surprise'' them! "''Blimey'', he's gone, I didn't expect that! Resigned? You don't see that much anymore! Old school! Respect! I rather liked the guy! He was hounded out by the fucking press!" How about that, huh? What a way to go, yeah? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ollie:''' You know, I'm just the counter man in [[w:McDonalds|McDonald's]], I'm not that important, frankly; you're the clown running the shop, you're the one that they want to see strung up from a lamppost by his fucking wig. :'''Glenn:''' What does that make me? :'''Ollie:''' [[w:Ronald McDonald|Ronald McDonald]]. :'''Glenn:''' Well, fuck off! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' "Department of Social Affairs", Department of Fucking Shocking, Shitty, Charlatan, ''Shits!'' That's what – ''(to Ollie)'' Feet off the furniture, you [[wikipedia:Oxbridge|Oxbridge]] twat! You're no' on a [[wikipedia:Punt_(boat)#Punting_in_England|punt]] now. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hugh''' ''(to Dan Miller)'': I've missed my ideal resigning point. With every day I delay, it's another year before I can get back again. If I had resigned the day I was appointed, I'd actually be Prime Minister by now. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hugh:''' Social Affairs, what the fuck does that actually mean? You know, it's so vague. You know, 'Hello, I'm Hugh Abbot, the Minister for, I dunno, stuff'. ==Series 2, Episode 1== :''(Ollie has had sex with Emma. And he realizes the whole office knows about it -- much to his dismay.)'' :'''Ollie:''' Terri, is, uh -- ''(Ollie instead sees Robyn Murdoch.)'' Oh, hello, Robyn. Where's Terri? Is she not... :'''Robyn Murdoch:''' ''(smiling)'' Well, morning, Mr. Lover-Loverman! :'''Ollie:''' Does -- Does nobody else ever shag anybody else in Westminster? :'''Glenn:''' ''(pretending to be seductive)'' ''Hey, Horatio!'' ''(beat)'' How's it hanging? :'''Ollie:''' It's hanging fine. :'''Glenn:''' Sleeping with the opposition, I hear, hey? :'''Ollie:''' Not all of them. :'''Glenn:''' What do they do? Do they keep a tight hold on the fiscal, um, the fiscal, you know, um... :'''Ollie:''' Scrotum? What? What? :'''Glenn:''' ''(beside himself)'' Shagging the opposition. Never would have happened in my day. :'''Ollie:''' Well, she's not my opposite number, Glenn. 'Cause Levitt has gone to Shadow Defence, so she's doing Shadow Defence, so she's no longer Social Affairs, so... :'''Glenn:''' Did you manage to do some good while you were there and steal a few policy papers? :'''Ollie:''' It's hard to know why you're so unsuccessful with the opposite sex. I'll tell you what, though... :'''Glenn:''' I never fucked Terri. :'''Ollie:''' Oh, Terri. Did you not know? :'''Glenn:''' No. :'''Ollie:''' Malcolm's, um... :'''Glenn:''' Malcolm's what? :'''Ollie:''' Binned her. She's gone. :'''Glenn:''' You're jo... :''(At this moment, Hugh enters the office -- and even HE knows about Ollie's night of romance with Emma!)'' :'''Hugh:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Morning, studmuffin. Enjoy your walk on the wild side? How was your dip in the wild blue – pussy? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Glenn:''' Hugh, I have some wonderful news for you. Terri's gone. :'''Hugh:''' What? :'''Glenn:''' Terri. Terri's gone. :'''Hugh:''' What do you mean "gone?" :'''Ollie:''' Uh, yeah. A resignation bluff that went awry. :'''Hugh:''' ''(very happy)'' NO! YES! OH, RESULT! WHOO! WHOO! ALL RIGHT! COME ON! HIGH FIVE! :''(But Robyn comes into the office to deliver some sad news about Terri's father.)'' :'''Robyn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' Secretary of State, um, just to let you know, Terri's father's, uh, had a stroke. It's pretty serious, um, so she's gonna be gone quite awhile. :'''Hugh:''' ''(much more sympathetic)'' I'm...Oh dear, that's awful. I'm so sorry. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm and his second-in-command, Jamie, are having a good, lively talk while walking to Malcolm's office.)'' :'''Jamie:''' Where's Neil? :'''Malcolm:''' Leicester, poor fucker. You'd think that once you'd achieved a certain status, you might have been excused visiting Leicester, wouldn't you? :'''Jamie:''' Have you seen the whips' numbers? :'''Malcolm:''' NoMFuP. :'''Jamie:''' Eh? :'''Malcolm:''' NoMFuP, N-O-M-F-P, Not My Fucking Problem – I quite liked that, did you like that? :'''Jamie:''' Yeah, it's very good. :'''Malcolm:''' I think I'll use that quite a lot today. :'''Jamie:''' I'll use it as well. :''(Malcolm spots a journalist he's very happy with for doing a good profile on a government Minister.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to the journalist)'' OH HO HO! Well done with Fatty's profile. Very very good. I nearly liked the enormous fucker reading it. :''(Malcolm and Jamie continue their conversation.)'' :'''Jamie:''' What if the MOD breaks tonight? What I'm hearing is the overspend's getting more brutal by the hour. ''(Both men enter Malcolm's office.)'' They're talking about topping off at one-one and a half billion. Obviously, that's a lot of nurses. :'''Malcolm:''' Or one fantastically enormous robotic one, yeah? :'''Jamie:''' Obviously, yeah. :'''Malcolm:''' And how's the Minister? :'''Jamie:''' He's shitting himself. ''(laughs)'' He's practically kissing his driver goodbye. He said he felt like he was "in the Twin Towers on 9/11, just fucking waiting." :'''Malcolm:''' Oh, for fuck's sake. But everybody knows their lines, yeah? IT projects always overspend. :'''Jamie:''' Oh, yeah, yeah. :''(Malcolm's loyal personal assistant, Sam, enters the office. She has some papers for Malcolm to look over and sign.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Sam)'' Do you think you could manage to get me a decent cup of tea? Would that be possible? :''(Sam readily agrees.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Thank you. Try not to drip in it. :''(After Sam leaves the office, Malcolm continues his chat with Jamie.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Jamie)'' I tell you the thing that's worrying me is, er – is this dodgy? :'''Jamie:''' I don't know. The kid's firm was the second lowest bid. He says they never talked. What does it matter? :'''Malcolm:''' No, but you know me, I'm a man of principle. :'''Jamie:''' Oh, I know. :'''Malcolm:''' I like to know whether I'm lying to save the skin of a tosser or a moron. :'''Jamie:''' Probably a moron. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Ollie is preparing for his trip to Number 10 in Hugh's office.)'' :'''Hugh:''' ''(looking at Ollie's cell phone)'' Is this yours? Is this new? :'''Ollie:''' Uh, yeah. I thought I'd get it for Number 10. :'''Hugh:''' It's got a camera on it? :'''Ollie:''' Yeah. Yeah, it's on the back. :'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Happy slap him. Go on. :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Hugh)'' How do you know about happy slapping? How do ''you'' begin to know about... :''(But before Ollie could finish the question, Glenn gives Ollie a "Happy Slap" upside the head!)'' :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Get off! :'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Hang on, I missed it. No, will you do it again? :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Hugh)'' That's assault. :''(Glenn happy slaps Ollie again.)'' :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Get off, will you? :'''Hugh:''' ''(to Ollie)'' No, listen, it's all right, we can doctor the crime figures. :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' I really like this! :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' I'll punch you in your substantial gut. :''(And then, Robyn gives Ollie a happy slap, too!)'' :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Robyn)'' Fucking hell, Robyn! You little fucker! :''(Hugh and Glenn are laughing at Ollie's expense. Then, after the laughter dies down, the 2 of them decide to take a selfie of themselves on Ollie's cell phone.)'' :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' We should take one of us, so he's got something to remember us by. :''(Glenn takes the pic.)'' :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' Because, you know, at the end of the week, you're gonna be head of the Policy Unit. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, then you'll both be out. :'''Hugh:''' Giving head to the Policy Unit. :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' Hugh, can we, uh, do the prep for the factory visit now? :'''Hugh:''' Yeah. :'''Glenn:''' We're gonna get there at about 12, 12:30, okay? :'''Ollie:''' Forgot the, um... :''(Ollie picks up something from Hugh's desk -- and then gives Glenn a happy slap upside his head! Then, Ollie leaves.)'' :'''Glenn:''' ''(annoyed)'' Stupid boy. :'''Hugh:''' That ''was'' funny. :'''Glenn:''' That was funny? :'''Hugh:''' Yeah. :'''Glenn:''' I don't think it was funny. :'''Hugh:''' I'm an elected representative of the people. :'''Glenn:''' Yes? :'''Hugh:''' It was funny. <hr width="50%"/> :''(As Ollie is waiting outside Malcolm's office, Malcolm is yelling out for Sam again.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' SAM! :''(Sam comes toward Malcolm's office.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Sam, a coffee and a fucking skinny muffin, if that's possible. ''(Malcolm then sees Ollie.)'' What the fuck are ''you'' doing ''here?'' :'''Ollie:''' I thought you said today, Malcolm. Did you not say... :'''Malcolm:''' I mean what are you doing there? Come on! :'''Ollie:''' All right, sorry. I just didn't want to interrupt you, I never know what you're doing in your – :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well if the PM's giving me a blowjob I always put a sign up. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Robyn Murdoch is a senior press secretary for the Department of Social Affairs. She is traveling with Glenn and Hugh to their factory visit.)'' :'''Robyn:''' I've confirmed that they'll definitely be a regional news team filming our arrival, plus there will be four local papers. :'''Hugh:''' Regional news? :'''Glenn:''' No nationals? :'''Robyn:''' Well, this is very much a regional event. You know, I didn't think that... :'''Hugh:''' Robyn, all events are regional, hmm? Everything that happens in the world has to happen somewhere. Do you see? Even JFK's assassination was a regional event. But it was also very important. Hmm? Like this factory visit? You see that? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Geoff Holhurst)'' How much fucking shit is there on the menu, and ''what fucking FLAVOUR is it?'' :'''Ollie:''' ''(on the phone to Emma)'' Oh, Malcolm? No no, that's – I'm in a Scottish restaurant, some man's complaining 'cause they've under-fried his Mars Bar – yeah, of course it's Malcolm! ''(beat)'' Well, Malcolm's all sound major. That's him every day. It's like this furnace of shit. It's not -- it's not good for my system. :'''Geoff Holhurst:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Christian's firm put in the second lowest tender. That's Point 1. :'''Ollie:''' ''(on the phone to Emma)'' Do you fancy meeting up? Maybe tomorrow night? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Geoff)'' You're ''worse'' than dead meat. I don't know why you're laughing. You're too toxic to even feed to the vultures. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Hugh, Robyn, and Glenn arrive at the factory for their visit. Hugh gets out of the car first so he can say hello to the factory's employees.)'' :'''Hugh:''' Hello. Hello, Hugh Abbot. Nice to meet you. Hello. :''(But as soon as he starts saying hello to the employees, Hugh is caught off guard by a surprise confrontation from one of the workers!)'' :'''Factory Woman:''' Do you know what it's like to clean up your own mother's piss? :'''Hugh:''' I'm sorry? :'''Factory Woman:''' Do you? I mean, she was in that home for 16 weeks. Do you know what it's like to clean up your own mother's piss? :'''Hugh:''' That's, that's, that's very tough, isn't it? That's very, very tough, and our hearts, all our hearts, go out to you. :'''Factory Woman:''' But do you know what it's like to get down and clean up your own mother's piss? :'''Hugh:''' I-I think that I'm probably not the right person to talk to about this. :'''Factory Woman:''' Who ''do'' I talk to? :'''Hugh:''' Urinary and affairs like that are probably more, more Health. So anyway, lovely to talk to you... :''(Hugh turns his attention away from the woman and towards the factory, talking to a factory supervisor.)'' :'''Hugh:''' What a fantastic -- What a fantastic landscaping! I really do think it makes an enormous difference to the workplace when you have this relationship with... :''(But the Factory Woman won't let up.)'' :'''Factory Woman:''' But is that your answer? Is that your answer? :'''Hugh:''' Can I just say, we'll get someone to, to note your, your case and do what we can about it. :'''Factory Woman:''' You'll get someone to note my case?! ''Nobody's'' noted my case! :''(And when she sees Hugh touching her arm, she REALLY gets livid!)'' :'''Factory Woman:''' STOP IT DON'T TOUCH ME! WHAT ARE YOU TOUCHING ME FOR? YOU DON'T KNOW ME! YOU DON'T EVEN WANT TO KNOW ME, DO YOU? :'''Hugh:''' (stammering) I know, I do want, I would like to get to know you. I've just... :'''Factory Woman:''' OH, WHY ARE YOU WALKING AWAY FROM ME, THEN? Would you like to know the facts? I'll tell you about the facts. :'''Glenn:''' The minister would love to know the facts. :'''Factory Woman:''' There are two qualified nurses out of all those care assistants. Only two! :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh, quietly)'' Give her a smile... :'''Factory Woman:''' The rest are only kids! :''(Hugh gives the Factory Woman a sheepish smile, but that just makes the situation worse...)'' :'''Factory Woman:''' WHAT ARE YOU SMILING AT? WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT? DO YOU THINK IT'S FUNNY? DO YOU THINK I'M FUNNY? DO YOU THINK MY MOTHER'S PISS IS FUNNY? WELL, IT'S NOT FUNNY! SHE'S NOT LAUGHING! SHE'S PISSING HERSELF! I'M NOT LAUGHING! I'M CRYING! <hr width="50%"/> :''(A short while later, Hugh, who is on a higher level in the factory, is talking to Glenn on his cell phone. Glenn is on the ground level...and that pesky Factory Woman is screaming right at him!)'' :'''Hugh:''' Glenn? Is she still saying it? :'''Glenn:''' Oh God, yes. (Glenn turns to the Factory Woman.) Would you please just give me a moment? :''(Glenn continues his conversation with Hugh on his cell phone.)'' :'''Glenn:''' Yes. Yes, she's banging on about it even now. The trouble is, Hugh, they reckon they've got some great shots. You know... :'''Hugh:''' ''Great shots?'' :'''Glenn:''' The thing is: Don't panic. :''(The Factory Woman finally gets more of her 2 cents in...)'' :'''Factory Woman:''' ...BECAUSE IT'S DISGUSTING! YOU CANNOT TREAT PEOPLE LIKE THIS! :''(Glenn's patience has finally run out.)'' :'''Glenn:''' CAN YOU PLEASE SHUT UP FOR ONE FUCKING MINUTE? I'm asking nicely. Please! :''(Glenn finishes his phone conversation with Hugh.)'' :'''Glenn:''' Now, Hugh -- look, I'm gonna have to hang up. :'''Factory Woman:''' Did you enjoy that? Did you enjoy that? <hr width="50%"/> :''(Meanwhile at Number 10, Malcolm and Jamie are having a stern chat with Geoff Holhurst's son, Christian.)'' :'''Jamie:''' ''(to Christian Holhurst)'' Your dad told us that he didn't know you worked for the company. You never told him. :''(Ollie's cell phone rings...)'' :'''Ollie:''' ''(answering his phone)'' Ollie Reeder? ''(beat)'' Um -- Sorry, who is this? :'''Christian Holhurst:''' ''(to Jamie and Malcolm)'' Obviously, he knew, but... :'''Ollie:''' ''(on his phone)'' No, I've never cleaned up my own mother's piss. ''(Ollie's talking to the Factory Woman.)'' Sorry, what? Who-Who are you? :'''Jamie:''' ''(to Christian)'' Well, you-you ''do'' talk to your dad? :'''Ollie:''' ''(on his cell)'' Well, how did you get... :'''Jamie:''' ''(to Christian)'' NO, YOU FUCKING DON'T! That is the wrong answer! The wrong fucking answer! :'''Ollie:''' ''(on his cell)'' Please don't be aggressive. I will call back. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Christian)'' You tell your corporate affairs people. Otherwise, I'm gonna come over there and fucking maim every single fucking one of them. Okay? Good to see you. All right? Well done, Christian. <hr width="50%"/> :''(In this scene, Malcolm has arrived at ITN, a news network, to meet Mark Davies, the news producer. Malcolm & Mark are in the production room discussing footage of Hugh being confronted at the factory by the Factory Woman.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(introducing himself to Mark)'' Mark? Hi, Mark Davies? I'm Malcolm. We've spoken on the phone. :'''Mark Davies:''' Yes. :'''Malcolm:''' Do you mind if I pop in? It's just -- I was in seeing Pam. and everyone started talking about the Hugh thing. :'''Mark:''' Yes... :''(Mark nods his head in agreement with Malcolm as they look at the footage.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Do you see what I have to work with? :'''Mark:''' I know, Malcolm. He doesn't look great, does he? :''(As they continue looking at the footage, Malcolm starts to attempt to play director.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Mark's assistant)'' That shot, are you going to use that? :'''Mark:''' Malcolm. :''(Mark doesn't want Malcolm touching the equipment.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Sorry, sorry. :'''Mark:''' Don't touch that. :'''Malcolm:''' This isn't in the package, is it, Mark? :''(Sure enough, Malcolm's inner director starts channeling inside him again.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Mark's assistant)'' You're not using that. You can't use that. ''(to Mark)'' This is dumbing down of the news agenda that people like me and your boss's boss really object to. And I'm gonna mention this to him when I see him on Friday, by the way. :'''Mark:''' Malcolm, this is a traditional old-fashioned news story, called 'Minister looks a tit'. :'''Malcolm:''' Hey, everybody looks a tit, you know? Take two of these shots of him looking moronic out. Leave a couple in of him looking a little bit dim, put one of him composed, drop it down the running order, and we've got a deal. :'''Mark:''' I'm not – Deal, what deal, Malcolm? He looks a tit, that's it. I'm sorry. :'''Malcolm:''' But there is a difference between allowing someone's natural tittishness to come through, and just exploiting it through camera work here! You're sticking one tit moment on top of another tit moment. That wouldn't happen in real life. And do you know about that woman? Have you made any inquiries into the background of that woman? :'''Mark:''' I'm sure my researchers have, yes. :'''Malcolm:''' Yes. Your researchers have? Well, well, I'm gonna tell you I don't think they have. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' Stats, percentages, international comparison, information! Email them fucking WADS of information! And tell them they'd better get their heads around it before they put pen to paper, or I'll be up their arses like a fucking Biafran ferret, right? COME ON, UNLEASH HELL! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hugh:''' Sometimes I...You know, when you meet the real...the actual people...Don't you ever, I mean, just look at the little, beady eyes and mean mouths sort of sneering, and...I mean, I know this is what they think people like me think, so I hate thinking it, but I just find myself thinking they're from a different fucking species. You know, with their T-shirts and weird trousers and tabards. Why do they wear clothes with writing on them? And why are they so fucking fat? :'''Glenn:''' I know, and stupid. :'''Hugh:''' God, I hate this place. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm and Jamie are about to give Ollie an important mission...)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Ollie. :'''Jamie:''' ''(to Ollie)'' We need you to fuck Hugh for us. ''(beat)'' Okay? :'''Ollie:''' ''(reluctantly)'' Okay. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' I need you to go over to Mark Davies at ITN, right? They're 50/50 on bumping Hugh up to top of the bill with the Piss Woman, right? Can you sort that out for me? ''(Ollie agrees)'' Good lad. Okay, see you later. :'''Ollie:''' ''(seeing a bag of chips from a bin on his chair)'' Oh nice, very nice. :'''Jamie:''' WELL GO FOR FUCK'S SAKE, YOU BIG FUCKING PRICK! I'LL CUT YOUR FUCKING EARS OFF, WE NEED IT DONE! :'''Ollie:''' When I met you this morning, I thought you were the nice Scot! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ollie:''' Fuck's sake. ''(Ollie answers his phone)'' Oliver Reeder. :'''Malcolm:''' Have you sorted it, Ollie? :'''Ollie:''' It's not quite sorted just yet, Malcolm, it's difficult – :'''Malcolm:''' Shall I send Jamie over? Would you like that? :'''Ollie:''' No, no – :'''Malcolm:''' You and Jamie and a rubber truncheon, locked in that fucking newsroom together. :'''Ollie:''' No, I'm fine. :'''Malcolm:''' Then make me happy. Bring me sunshine. :'''Ollie:''' Right, I'll make you happy, Malcolm. ''(Ollie hangs up)'' Dickwad. ''(Ollie's phone rings again. He answers it)'' Oliver Reeder. :'''Jamie:''' Hey all right, shitebag, you done it yet? :'''Ollie:''' I'm just in the middle of doing it right now, but every time I try – :'''Jamie:''' WELL, FUCKING HURRY UP! GET OFF THE FUCKING PHONE! :'''Ollie:''' ''(Ollie hangs up)'' Fuck's sake! ''(His phone rings yet again. He answers)'' I'm fucking doing it! I'm just – Sorry Emma, yeah, hi. I'm stuck in that meeting about equal pay. It's just – it's gone over. But, uh, but - Hey, you know, tonight. Are we still on? ''(beat)'' Yeah. Yeah, ''Solaris,'' here we come. Bye. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Hugh and Glenn are finally back from the disastrous factory visit, talking about...piss.)'' :'''Hugh:''' Have you, though? :'''Glenn:''' What? :'''Hugh:''' Ever cleaned up your own mother's piss? :'''Glenn:''' No, I never knew my mother, Hugh. As you know. :'''Hugh:''' Sorry. Have you--have you ever cleaned up your stepmother's piss? :'''Glenn:''' No, I never cleaned her piss. It wasn't that kind of relationship. :'''Hugh:''' No, nor me. Though I have to say, I've done Alicia's piss and Charlie's piss. I mean, you know, loads, loads of it. But, you know, it's only piss. It's -- Yeah, thanks. I mean, she was going on as if it was some sort of toxic waste or something, but it's, what's a bit of piss? <hr width="50%"/> :''(In the Number 10 Newsroom, Malcolm and the team are about to watch the ITN News.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' All right, folks, here we go. :''(The top story on the news is about Hugh's disastrous factory visit.)'' :'''News Announcer:''' ''Tonight, dramatic pictures...'' :''(The newsroom office cheers.)'' :'''News Announcer:''' ''...of voter anger over the NHS.'' :'''Jamie:''' ''(happily)'' Anything other than Number One spot is a big win. :'''News Announcer:''' ''...spin doctor thought our tape had stopped running.'' :''(Sure enough, Ollie's cell phone pic of Glenn appears on the TV screen...with the sound of Glenn getting mad.)'' :'''Glenn:''' ''CAN YOU PLEASE SHUT UP FOR ONE F$%@#!G MINUTE?'' :'''Jamie:''' ''(quite amused)'' Oh oh oh, he is so fucked! ''(to Ollie)'' Hey, good photo. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah. Well, you know, it's a good phone. :'''Hugh:''' ''What fantastic landscaping...'' :''(More howls of laughter emanate from the newsroom.)'' <hr width="50%"/> :''(Back at Hugh's office, Glenn is sitting in a chair beside himself. Hugh is pacing the floor.)'' :'''Glenn:''' Who do you think looked worse? You or me? :'''Hugh:''' Well, I mean, I looked bad, but you said bad. I suppose on balance, um, honestly...You, really. :'''Glenn:''' ''(quiet, but annoyed)'' Great. :''(Glenn's cell phone rings.)'' :'''Glenn:''' Oh. Go away. :''(Glenn hangs up on the call...and after a few moments...)'' :'''Glenn:''' I don't know if I'm gonna survive this, Hugh. They're gonna be all over me like shingles. ''(Glenn's cell phone rings again.)'' They are all over me like shingles! :''(Glenn hangs up on the call again...More awkward silence...)'' :'''Hugh:''' It'll be OK. :'''Glenn:''' Do you think? :'''Hugh:''' Yeah, it'll probably be fine. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Ollie has stopped answering his cell phone. Let's hear what his voicemails have to say.)'' :'''Hugh:''' ''(in a voicemail)'' Ollie, hi, it's Hugh. I just wanted to say thank you very very much. The way you shifted the spotlight onto Glenn was quite Tucker-esque, really very [[w:Machievelli|Malc-iavellian]], if you know what I mean. Well done, and bye bye. :'''Factory Woman:''' ''(in a voicemail)'' Hello, Ollie. Just seen myself on the news. Okay, let's get something done now. And, uh, I'll be phoning you every day until we do sort out my mother and her problem. Thank you. <hr width="50%"/> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Jamie:''' Oh, don't worry about Malcolm, he's only about half as scary as he thinks he is. Well, here, you can have this desk, it's free. :'''Ollie:''' OK. :'''Jamie:''' Don't worry, she won't be coming back. Hey, Joe, Joe! This guy is your replacement. I'm not fucking joking, by the way. Ollie, this is Frankie. Frankie, this is Ollie. ''(Ollie extends his hand to Frankie, who ignores it)'' Frankie, I don't know what happened, but I somehow – you know those numbers I asked you for? I never found them on my desk. Maybe somebody stole them. Or, maybe, maybe, you're fucking me around. And if you fuck me around again, I'll tell you something: ''(laughs slightly)'' I am going to rip your fucking head off, and shit right down into your neck, ''(grabs Frankie's head)'' and then I'm going to stick your FUCKING head back on, and SHIT ON THAT! ==Series 2, Episode 2== :''(At the start of this episode, Hugh is talking on his cell phone to someone about the impending "Cabinet Reshuffle.")'' :'''Hugh:''' ''(on his cell phone)'' No, Derek. I'm not presuming anything. It's entirely up to the PM. I'll just go wherever he wants me to go. I'm gonna have to go. Bye-bye. :''(Next, Hugh and Ollie, who's right behind him, both meet up with Robyn and congratulate her on getting a place at Malcolm's 8:30 press meeting.)'' :'''Hugh:''' ''(to Robyn)'' Good morning. :'''Robyn:''' ''(cheekily smiling)'' Morning, Minister. :'''Hugh:''' Are you just off to your 8:30 with Malcolm? :'''Robyn:''' Yep yep. :'''Hugh:''' First one? :'''Robyn:''' Into the Lion's Den, Viper's Pit. :'''Hugh:''' "The Belly of the Beast, the Lair of the White Worm." :'''Ollie:''' The Eye of the Snake. :'''Hugh:''' Not all the departments get asked to the 8:30, so... :'''Robyn:''' That's true. :'''Hugh:''' A great honor that we are in there with the big hitters. Always best to be inside the tent, pissing out. :'''Ollie:''' Absolutely. If you were, you know, doing this over at Environment and Rural Affairs, you'd be, uh, at 8:30 you'd be very much outside the tent, wouldn't you? Probably at Coffee Republic. :'''Hugh:''' Covered in piss. Good luck. You'll be fine. You don't need good luck. Yeah. :'''Robyn:''' What about the...piss? :'''Hugh:''' ''(reassuring Robyn)'' No no no, it's just a figure of speech. :'''Robyn:''' I'd better go. :'''Ollie:''' See you later, Robyn. :'''Robyn:''' OK. :'''Ollie:''' ''(looking at his cell phone)'' I'm sure there's a way of... :'''Hugh:''' ''(chasing after Robyn)'' Robyn! :''(Hugh just remembered to ask Robyn a question.)'' :'''Hugh:''' ''(whispering to Robyn)'' Robyn, sorry. Could you try and pick up any signals you can from Malcolm about -- about the, um...about the reshuffle? :'''Robyn:''' I've really got to go now, because I don't want to be late. :'''Hugh:''' Yeah, God, don't be late! :'''Robyn:''' Apparently, they shout things at the last one in. :'''Glenn:''' ''(entering the scene)'' If anyone shouts at you, they'll have to answer to me. I'll box his ears. :''(Robyn leaves)'' :'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Box his ears? If that was flirting, that was absolutely crap. :'''Glenn:''' What? :'''Hugh:''' Box his ears? How long is it since you've had sex? :'''Glenn:''' That is between me and my internet service provider. Anyway, about this morning's – :'''Ollie:''' ''(chuckling)'' You've actually gone red, Glenn. Look at you. :'''Hugh:''' Yeah, you have. Look, you've gone red. :'''Glenn:''' I have not gone red. ''(points to his folder)'' That's red. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah! :'''Hugh:''' Look, he can hardly walk properly. :<hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm Tucker is having his 8:30 meeting with all the reporters and press officers from various government departments.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(entering the room)'' Morning morning morning morning! :'''Everyone else:''' Morning. :'''Malcolm:''' OK, I want to have a little bit of a think about, um, some of our presentational issues with regard to yesterday. There seems to have been a bit of a problem last night with, uh, Liam on ''Newsnight.'' I would like to know why did we have a Minister on last night who did not appear to know their lines. :'''Reporter #1:''' It's not all his fault, Malcolm. We-we grilled him beforehand. :'''Malcolm:''' You grilled him? :'''Reporter #1:''' He's got a new baby. He's not getting enough sleep. :'''Malcolm:''' I don't care if he's got a new baby. I don't care whether he's tired. He looked like he didn't know what he was fucking talking about. Now I know he doesn't know what he's fucking talking about, but he's got to appear as if he does, right? ''(Malcolm starts pointing at all the reporters.)'' And that is your job and your job. ''(He continues pointing.)'' And yours and yours and yours and yours and yours and yours and yours and yours and yours. With all due respect of ministers, give them the lines. Right? :'''Robyn:''' Give them all the lines to say? :''(Malcolm introduces the other reporters to Robyn.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' This is the delightful Robyn. She's just with us today. She's standing in for, eh, Terri Coverley at the Department of, uh, Social Affairs. So let's be gentle with her, please. No remarks about the Department of Stuffed Anuses, or the Department of Stupid Announcements, or the Department of Sod All. ''(Laughter emanates from the room.)'' Right, next. :'''Robyn:''' Reshuffle? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Robyn, smiling)'' Yes, there is, uh, a pending reshuffle, I can see we're not gonna get anything past you! "There was a young girl from DOSA, who helped herself to a samosa." ''(Malcolm jokingly makes a karate chop.)'' Argh! Next time I'll come up with something. Just a bit of fun. Um...Yes, the reshuffle. No, yes, well, definitely, we-we don't know anything. ''I'' don't know anything. So, um, we can't say anything. But you know, even if we did, we wouldn't. But we don't, so we both can't and won't. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' ''(asked for a line about Julius Nicholson at his 8.30 meeting)'' 'Julius Nicholson is a hugely respected adviser. He now has a wide-ranging brief, and his blue-sky vision and helicopter thinking will enable this Government to go, in his own phrase, "beyond delivery, and beyond that".' That's the line, OK? And if he does stick his baldy head round your door and comes up with some stupid idea about 'policemen's helmets should be yellow', or 'let's set up a department to count the moon', just treat him like someone with Alzheimer's disease, you know? Just say to him, "Oh, yeah, that's lovely, that's good. We must talk about that later." OK? <hr width="50%"/> :''(Hugh is now at Malcolm's office at Number 10. Hugh wants to talk to Malcolm about the impending reshuffle.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(on his mobile)'' In no way, shape or form is it gonna have any ''(knock at door)'' – Come the fuck in, or fuck the fuck off. :'''Hugh:''' ''(entering)'' Well I'll come the fuck in then. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(back on his mobile)'' It's just something that Nicholson's flown, you know. It's a kind of brain exercise, like "What would it be like if men had tits?", you know? [[wikipedia:Mark_Mardell|Mark Mardell]], yeah, ''(laughs)'' that's pretty good, actually. All right, then. See you, then. ''(hangs up)'' Hugh? :'''Hugh:''' I thought you would want to know as soon as possible. :'''Malcolm:''' What? :'''Hugh:''' Terri's dad. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah? :'''Hugh:''' No news at the moment. :'''Malcolm:''' Right, so you've come to talk about the reshuffle, yeah? :'''Hugh:''' Yeah, I have. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah? :'''Hugh:''' In terms of shuffley stuff, how is Neil? I mean, is his heart... :'''Malcolm:''' Have you not heard? :'''Hugh:''' No. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(sighing heavily)'' He's paralysed. :'''Hugh:''' Oh no. :'''Malcolm:''' Neil's on wheels. :'''Hugh:''' You're kidding. :'''Malcolm:''' He's a vegetable. :'''Hugh:''' Oh my God. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. :''(A lengthy silence follows...and then...)'' :'''Malcolm:''' That means you could have his department. :'''Hugh:''' Oh, you are kidding. Well, fuck you very much. :'''Malcolm:''' Well, I know that you're looking for mouth-to-mouth in the reshuffle, but I don't know anything about it. I mean, the PM is still working it out on the back of a Coldplay CD as we speak. :''(It's time to meet Julius Nicholson, the Advisor to the Prime Minister. Julius is now entering Malcolm's office.)'' :'''Julius Nicholson:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Are you in, sir? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Julius)'' Oh! Mr. Julius Nicholson. :'''Hugh:''' ''(shaking Julius's hand)'' Hello, nice to see you again. :''(Hugh lets Julius have his seat, and Malcolm and Julius start up a conversation.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Julius)'' What proposals have you got for us today? How about a ban on sand castles? :'''Julius:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' I just wanted to find out if you're coming to my FSG briefing this afternoon. :'''Malcolm:''' FSG briefing? :'''Julius:''' Forward Strategy Group, Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' Well, you know, Julius, I think I'm just gonna have to send one of the -- I'll send one of the boys. I have got so much work to do here, what with this, uh, the MOD... :'''Julius:''' As the minister said to the prince, don't be surprised if we abolish you. I'll leave it with you. :''(Julius gets up and leave the office. Malcolm and Hugh resume their conversation.)'' :'''Hugh:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' That was a bit, um...Are you all right? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(annoyed)'' I'm fucking all right. I can fucking look after myself. :'''Hugh:''' Under the spotlight now, aren't you? :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well, ''you'' should just watch your own back, what with the missus dripping poison into the big guy's ear about you. :'''Hugh:''' Missus? What missus? :'''Malcolm:''' The Prime Minister's missus. Oh, what? You don't know? She doesn't like the cut of your jib, son. :'''Hugh:''' She doesn't -- She's hardly ''seen'' my jib. I just had a conversation with her at the New Year's party, that's all. ''(beat)'' Why doesn't she like me? I mean, what's not to like? :'''Malcolm:''' I mean, you just didn't click. :'''Hugh:''' ''(exasperated)'' We couldn't click! We were talking about the fucking Euro! How are you supposed to click over the Euro? It's fucking impossible. :'''Malcolm:''' Don't take it so personally. :'''Hugh:''' You're telling me she doesn't like me as a person! How else am I supposed to take it? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ollie:''' Robyn, can you send these back to archives, 'cause they're not even highlighted, I'm not going to plough through all that myself. While you're talking to them, I need the last four months of the European Digest. I'm going to be moving – :'''Robyn:''' Is it 'cause you fancy me, is that what this is all about? :'''Ollie:''' Sorry? :'''Robyn:''' Why are you so bloody rude to me? I mean, that's got to be the reason. Other people, when they come in here, they knock on the door and they say "hello", "good morning", "thank you" and "nice top" sometimes. :'''Ollie:''' Right, um, well, no. I mean, for a start, I don't fancy you. I don't know where you got that in your head, but it's probably best to get it out. If I'm slightly polite to you on a semi-regular basis, will that in any way bypass it? :'''Robyn:''' I think that would definitely do it. :'''Ollie:''' Right, fantastic. Well, thank you very much for the work you do; hi, by the way, how are you? :'''Robyn:''' I'm really well, actually. :'''Ollie:''' Great, that's great; you look lovely; can I have the fucking Digest, please? That would be terrific. :'''Robyn:''' All you had to do was ask me. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, well, all I did do is ask. ''(Robyn bends down to get something)'' Phwoar! ''(She gets up and stares at Ollie)'' It was a joke. <hr width="50%"/>'' :''(Hugh and Ollie are discussing the latest Cabinet meeting.)'' :'''Hugh:''' I did mention your great quiet carriages thing and he just – ''(pulls a slightly disgusted face)'' :'''Ollie:''' Well what does that mean? :'''Hugh:''' Fuck knows what it means, but I don't think it means, "Oh, Hugh, you're fantastic. Here, become Home Secretary". And even if it did mean that, when he's in bed tonight with Mrs PM, flossing, then she'll say, "What do you mean, Hugh Abbot as Home Secretary? The man is a social spastic and very probably a registered nonce, darling." <hr width="50%"/> :''(This scene starts with Malcolm on his desk phone in his office.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(on the phone)'' This is just another example of thinking out of the box by someone who's clearly out of his fucking tree. :''(Someone's knocking on Malcolm's door -- and that someone is Julius Nicholson. Again.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(on the phone)'' Alright, I've got to go. I'll talk to you later. :'''Julius:''' ''(entering the office)'' Ah, Malcolm Tucker! :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Julius)'' Julius Nicholson! What can I do you for? :''(Both men sit down in their chairs for a chat.)'' :'''Julius:''' I am keen to have a chat with, um, Keith Percival. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. Uh, that won't be possible. :'''Julius:''' And I need to read the O'Rourke papers. :'''Malcolm:''' I'm afraid not. Anything else? :''(Uh-oh...this is gonna be a long, uncomfortable conversation.)'' :'''Julius:''' Look, Malcolm, you and I both know full well that my power and authority flows directly from the PM. If you've got a problem... :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well, Keith is so busy with real governmental work that he doesn't have time to discuss with you your ideas and theories. The O'Rourke papers are not relevant to anything that we can actually action at this moment. :'''Julius:''' That's slightly funny, because when I played tennis with the PM -- which I do as I'm sure you know, every Sunday -- he was saying just how much he was looking forward to seeing that paper. :'''Malcolm:''' He does think that your theories are interesting. He tells me that, because, you know, I see him every day. I also see him on a Sunday when I get together with his family and I make the fucking waffles. ''BUT'' -- I cannot allow you to come in here and interfere with the actual process of government. :'''Julius:''' Malcolm, that is my -- that is my ''JOB!'' That's my job! :'''Malcolm:''' Well, you're doing it very fucking well. :'''Julius:''' Malcolm, I'm sorry. There are gonna be big changes around here. Get used to it. We'll announce all this at the reshuffle. :'''Malcolm:''' With all due respect, Julius, the reshuffle is the business of the PM and the PM alone, which means that that is my business. It is my remit. :'''Julius:''' No, Malcolm. Historically, yes. But now it's part of my remit. :'''Malcolm:''' Right. OK, I'll tell you what we should do. ''(getting up)'' Why don't we just get our remits out, slap them on the table, and see who's got the biggest fucking remit? :'''Julius:''' ''(standing up)'' Mal-Mal -- Malcolm, Malcolm, we need to talk about accommodation, we need to talk about access... :'''Malcolm:''' Accommodation? Why am I talking about accommodation? :'''Julius:''' It's a 21-man department. We can't fit upstairs. This is ideal. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(confused)'' 21 men in here? :'''Julius:''' Not just in here, no. This office here will be perfectly usable, for not only myself... :'''Malcolm:''' That's not an office. :'''Julius:''' Yes, it is an office. :'''Malcolm:''' It's a pantry. :'''Julius:''' Well, whatever it is, we will refit this out as a working office... :'''Malcolm:''' ''(opening the pantry door)'' Julius, it's a fucking pantry. Look. :'''Julius:''' So what? What we'll do is we will kick through this -- Bang, straight into the PM's private study. ''(Julius shuts the pantry door.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(talking while eating something)'' What are people gonna say -- when they come in and they say, "Where is Julius Nicholson?" :'''Julius:''' I'm here. :'''Malcolm:''' He's in the pantry! :'''Julius:''' ''(knocking on the pantry door)'' Here I am. :'''Malcolm:''' You know what they're gonna do? They're gonna ridicule you. :''(Malcolm and Julius are talking over each other, and then Malcolm cracks wise...)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''Where's the bankrupt in the cupboard?'' :'''Julius:''' Why are you behaving like a complete and utter prick? :'''Malcolm:''' I'm supposed to polish you up, burnish you up. Yeah, and when you get your big break and you're on fucking ''Call My Bluff'' or whatever it is, I'm supposed to... :''(Malcolm sees Julius heading for the door to leave the office.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Come back in here! Oi! Come back in here! JULIUS! Get the fuck back in here! :''(Julius reluctantly comes back in Malcolm's office, and Julius tries to lecture Malcolm while he's talking.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Please! Please! Come back. Let's be civilised. Let's-let's be civilised about it. Let's be civilised, come on. Let's be -- there ''are'' human resources, let's be civilised about it. Go over to your fucking pantry, right. :'''Julius:''' This is a perfectly usable office space... :'''Malcolm:''' ''(shutting the pantry door)'' Cool it for one minute, okay? Cool it. And just fucking cool it, shut up and fucking listen to me. This is an old fucking Georgian door. Do you know how long this has been here? :'''Julius:''' No I don't. :'''Malcolm:''' Since the time of Elizabeth I, at least. Now look at that. :''(Julius laughs in utter disbelief.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' That does not open. Look at it. Look at it. Try opening it. Come on. Surely, this is the kind of stuff you like. Character building, team building. Put your hand over mine. Try to open the door. Come on, Julius. It's my fucking pantry. :''(Malcolm and Julius are still talking over each other endlessly...)'' :'''Julius:''' It's not your pantry. It's my fucking pantry. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Discussing Julius Nicholson)'' :'''Hugh''': Can't we just kill him, shoot him? :'''Ollie''': What about we just fire him at a wall from a cannon. Just a wall two feet away. :'''Glenn''': I know, we force feed him with a mixture of garlic and Dettol in Cup-a-Soup. :'''Hugh''': What about the old red-hot poker up the arse? Edward II? :''(Julius walks in)'' :'''Ollie''': I'd like to nail him to a tree through the head and watch lice slowly crawl over his body, eating off the flesh in a slow and painful death, ''(having already noticed Julius)'' but that rather bitter anomaly aside, most of the responses to the Warwick report press cuttings were pretty positive. :<hr width="50%" />'''Hugh''' ''(to Ollie)'': I ''am'' desperate, but I don't really want to ''look'' desperate, like Glenn. :'''Glenn''' ''(entering)'': Oh, God, here we go again. Yeah, like Glenn, what? :'''Hugh:''' Well, I was just saying, the last time you saw a snatch was... :'''Ollie:''' ''[[wikipedia:Basic_Instinct|Basic Instinct]]''. :'''Hugh:''' You see, that's good. That's the kind of repartee I need with the PM's wife. It's that final k-tsssss! you see, that's the bit I'm missing. :'''Glenn:''' Yeah, well, I think you could drop the snatch material with the PM's wife, don't you? :'''Hugh:''' Well, OK, between the snatch and the Euro there's some sort of happy medium.<hr width="50%" />'''Malcolm''' ''(on the phone)'': He is not getting anywhere near my fucking pantry, I tell you that. That door is staying as open as a fat whore's bonehole.<hr width="50%" />'''Hugh:''' Sorry I'm late, traffic was an absolute bitch. No offence, Robyn. :<hr width="50%"/> '''Julius:''' It's Paul Webster, US Economics Secretary of State. He's unexpectedly coming over, and the Treasury are hosting a bash for him this evening. Don't tell me you've not been invited. :'''Hugh:''' Yes, no, I have. It's just that I'm actually bashing myself tonight. :'''Julius:''' So you – you've got your own bash here? :'''Hugh:''' Uh yeah. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah. :'''Julius:''' Ah! Back up, everybody, put the brakes on! We've got a bash happening here tonight and at the Treasury? :'''Hugh:''' Yeah. It sounds complicated but I like to, um, maximise my face. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hugh''': ''(telling a joke at his party)'' And Julius, Julius Nicholson, says, ”I'm sorry but I think you'll find you're sitting in my seat.” :''(No one laughs)'' :'''Hugh''': And this was to God, as I mentioned in the setup. Anyway, have a lovely time. ''(to Ollie, whispering)'' A fiver if you set off the sprinklers. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hugh:''' Why didn't you tell me, Glenn? What possible reason did you have? You saw me, I was swinging like a colostomy bag! :'''Glenn:''' Oh, Hugh, grow up! Stuff happens in this department every day, I can't tell you everything! :'''Hugh:''' Since when, Glenn, since when does the Secretary of State for Social Affairs have to find out ''from the fucking press'' that every morning at 8:30 I'm being fisted up to the gallbladder by a bald man? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' Right, guys, thanks very much for staying on. Julius Nicholson, right? :'''Glenn:''' Yep. :'''Malcolm:''' Blue sky thinker? Ex-business guru? Dog rapist? :'''Hugh:''' Quite possibly. :'''Malcolm:''' He's being a nuisance to me; he also has got plans to squeeze ''your'' department so hard you'll be lucky if you're left with one bollock between the three of you. So all I am doing here is asking you, formally, if you will join me in a little bit of a circle jerk. :'''Hugh:''' Circle jerk? What? :'''Ollie:''' It's when a lot of guys in a circle all, you know. ''(to Malcolm)'' Well, I assume you don't mean literally, do you? Presumably? :<hr width="50%" />'''Glenn:''' ''(on the phone to a journalist)'' Yeah I know it's probably bollocks, but that's what we all thought when Jim was up for Home Secretary, and then the next thing you know, he's given up the Colombian marching powder and taken up the sacraments. :<hr width="50%" />'''Malcolm''' ''(arriving at his 8.30 meeting)'': Morning, morning, morning! So what's the story in [[wikipedia:Balamory|Bala-fucking-mory]]? :'''A press officer:''' Reshuffle! :'''Malcolm:''' Excellent! You win a year's supply of condoms, which in your case is four.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Malcolm:''' So how was Cabinet this morning? :'''Hugh:''' It was good. Obviously, with reshuffle coming up, everybody's desperate to impress. Clare went round the room on a unicycle juggling burning kittens, but er – She didn't really, but what she did do was pretty embarrassing. :'''Malcolm:''' OK. :'''Hugh:''' And in terms of shuffle-y stuff, Carol ended up in Neil's seat. What do you think ''that'' means? :'''Malcolm:''' Well, I think that means that Carol wants to be nearer the biscuits, just in case her blood sugar level drops. That woman, she's unbelievable. I have seen her go into second reading debates with Pringles! Her star is somewhat on the wane, I think she's going a bit downward, actually, [[wikipedia:Secretary_of_State_for_Constitutional_Affairs|Constitutional Affairs]]. :'''Hugh:''' Ooh, that's gonna hurt, Constitutional Affairs, that's the [[wikipedia:Geri_Halliwell|Ginger Spice]] of the – :'''Malcolm:''' Of the what, Hugh? Of the what? :'''Hugh:''' Of the Gov– the whole – :'''Malcolm:''' Ginger Spice. Jesus Christ, what – what fucking century are you living in? :'''Hugh:''' There was a fantastic feature about Ginger in the ''[[wikipedia:Heat_(magazine)|Heat]]'' magazine. Apparently she shaves downstairs and she's working for UNICEF or some sort of – :'''Malcolm:''' Hugh, you are talking absolute fucking drivel.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Hugh:''' It looked like Fatty was the one who was on his way out, but now it could just as likely be me. :'''Ollie:''' Well look, Hugh, if you're worried about Fatty we can always start gently briefing against him, I know it's late in the day and, you know, obviously it's not the first thing that we want to be doing – :'''Hugh:''' Yeah, 'Abbot says Fatty's a twat'. Does that make Fatty look like a twat? I think it makes me look like a twat for calling him a twat. :'''Ollie:''' Mm – it doesn't have to be you directly, does it? That's the point. :'''Hugh:''' Robyn? Come on, it's like giving a child a firework. :'''Ollie:''' Well, not Robyn. :'''Hugh:''' Actually that's where your bit of skirt – sorry, whatever the modern – your ho, your ho could actually be quite helpful. If you were just to leave some compromising bits of anti-Fatty documents, you know, just lying by the loo – :'''Ollie:''' Whoa, whoa. Just blatantly using Emma, I'm really not comfortable with that. :'''Hugh:''' Can I remind you, in the last 12 hours you've described her as being 'as mad as a jackdaw on crack', 'castratingly right-wing zealot', and also 'disappointingly below par in the blowjob department', so why the sudden outbreak of principle?<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Glenn:''' Are you still in the frame for ''[[wikipedia:Question_Time_(TV_series)|Question Time]]''? :'''Hugh:''' I am, but I think they're gonna go for Fatty to take advantage of the widescreen option. ''(Ollie laughs.)'' Any, erm – Are there any shuffle-y rumours? :'''Glenn:''' Yeah, yeah. Rob thinks Gerry's got the Foreign Office. :'''Ollie:''' The thing about this, moving offices, just from one place to another, completely different, it's just fucked as a system, isn't it? Because if you – it wouldn't happen in any other job – if you were, you know, Professor of Medieval English in Oxford and you were sitting in your study and somebody came through the door and went, 'Hey, guess what? You're now, er, Professor of Zoology, we want you in the other [[wikipedia:Quadrangle_(architecture)|quad]]', you know, that would be mental, you'd be sitting in a room like a stuffed tit just saying to people, 'How many Os in Zoology? I don't really know, this isn't really my field', and all of that information that you've built up over years and years about [[Geoffrey Chaucer|Chaucer]] or whatever is of absolutely no use to you any more because Chaucer didn't really write about baboons. :'''Hugh:''' Ollie, these are very undergraduate concerns; my point is you don't have to be an expert to make decisions. :'''Glenn:''' That's why you have advisors, you twat. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, I am being serious, Glenn. :'''Glenn:''' Yes, so am I, you are a twat. :'''Hugh:''' I mean, the point is, a lot of knowledge is a dangerous thing. :''(Hugh's office phone rings; Glenn answers it)'' :'''Ollie:''' It's 'a little knowledge is a dangerous thing'. :'''Hugh:''' Well exactly, so a lot of knowledge is ''incredibly'' dangerous. ==Series 2, Episode 3== :''(A few moments ago, Hugh said that he does not want to close down schools for kids with special needs. He is now in his office discussing the Special Needs Bill with Glenn.)'' :'''Hugh:''' Glenn, the Special Needs Bill. With your, you know, particular interest, I can't do this. :'''Glenn:''' You know my views, you know. Inclusion is an illusion. It doesn't work. :'''Hugh:''' But you-you don't mind if I -- if I go ahead with it? :'''Glenn:''' Of course not. You know, look...you're only following orders. :'''Hugh:''' Oh, thanks. So you won't make me feel bad except by comparing me to a concentration camp guard? :'''Glenn:''' No. Right. Yeah. :'''Hugh:''' Now, tomorrow. Select Committee, that's Ballantine, isn't it? :''(But before Hugh and Glenn can continue discussing the Special Needs Bill, Ollie barges in and interrupts.)'' :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Hugh and Glenn)'' Sorry, I'm sorry to interrupt. Who wants to go and watch Bollockvision? :'''Hugh:''' Bollockvision? :'''Ollie:''' Mr. Malcolm Tucker, turning it all the way up to eleven, down in the lobby. Come and have a look. :''(They all go out onto the balcony. On the other side of the atrium, on their floor, Malcolm is shouting at another Minister.)'' :'''Hugh:''' Oh, poor Keith. Malcolm must fucking love this place: Four ministers in one building. It's his dream, a one-stop bollock-shop. :'''Glenn:''' Trouble is, we're gonna be getting some of that in about an hour. :'''Hugh:''' Yeah. I don't know which is worse, watching him slowly rumble towards you like prostate cancer, or him appearing suddenly out of nowhere like a severe stroke. :''(Terri, whose father died after a stroke, turns towards Hugh.)'' :'''Hugh:''' Oh. How's your sister coping? <hr width="50%"/> :''(The Department of Social Affairs has been renamed "The Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship" -- DoSAC for short.)'' :'''Glenn:''' So, Hugh, this -- this new word, 'Citizenship.' Did the PM actually outline what it entails? :'''Hugh:''' Well, to be honest, I think he was making the reshuffle up as he-as he went along, and I think we were very lucky that 'Citizenship' was the first word that sprang to mind. Otherwise we could be the Department for Social Affairs and Woodland Folk. :'''Ollie:''' See, the problem is, though, Hugh, that there's been a bit of a rush with you not in place. Uh, you know, every department trying to unload all the stuff that they didn't want. But it's been like somebody driving a lorry down Whitehall, shouting "Bring out your shit." And they have and it's ended up at our door. :'''Hugh:''' So what are we getting? :'''Ollie:''' Citizenship basically involves, uh, cutting pensions to the Ghurkhas, rejigging the protocols for a rabies outbreak, some crap from Health about long-term care for the elderly that neither they nor we have any real idea about. :'''Glenn:''' And what to do with the Isle of Man. :'''Hugh:''' ''(annoyed)'' Just what I fucking need. Five new ways to lose my job. :''(Hugh then starts eyeing a plant that he's just noticed is right next to his desk.)'' :'''Hugh:''' Where did that come from? :'''Ollie:''' Oh, Malcolm sent that. :'''Hugh:''' It's far too big. Why-why did he send it? :'''Ollie:''' Uh, office warming present. :'''Hugh:''' So why did he send us a present? :'''Ollie:''' I don't know. :'''Hugh:''' Has Security checked this? :'''Ollie:''' What for? Tiny little terrorists? :'''Hugh:''' Yes. :'''Ollie:''' ''(annoyed)'' It's a plant! Yes?! :'''Hugh:''' ''(moving on)'' Okay, so...citizenshit. What we need to do is knock together some nice, touchy-feely, fondley, sneaky, hand-in-the-bra sort of policies. :'''Glenn:''' New bicycles for special constables, that sort of thing? :'''Hugh:''' Yeah. :'''Ollie:''' Making special needs kids clean up graffiti? :'''Hugh:''' ''(displeased)'' Yeah, that's just very mean. :'''Ollie:''' Well, yes. Not, of course, as mean as making them spell "graffiti." That genuinely is very mean. :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh, calmly but not happily)'' I'll go and have a word with Malcolm. :'''Ollie:''' Okay. :''(After Glenn leaves the office, Hugh tries to reprimand Ollie for making a joke about special needs kids.)'' :'''Hugh:''' You just took a shit with your clothes on, Ollie. :'''Ollie:''' Why? :'''Hugh:''' Glenn's boy, Peter. He went to a special needs school. :'''Ollie:''' Oh. :'''Hugh:''' Yep. :'''Ollie:''' ...Glenn's had sex? :'''Hugh:''' God, you're such a prick, Ollie. :'''Ollie:''' It's just a joke! :'''Hugh:''' There's more to life, you know, than drinks parties at the Foreign Office and having [[wikipedia:Nick_Robinson_(journalist)|Nick Robinson]]'s mobile number on your fucking BlackBerry! :'''Ollie:''' Yes. All right, all right, fine. Sorry, Hugh. I feel for the guy. I had a girlfriend with special needs once, so I know. ''(smiles smugly)'' Luckily, I was able to fulfill them. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm joins Glenn and Hugh in the office.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' So did you enjoy the show? :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Malcolm, jokingly)'' You were magnificent, darling. :'''Hugh:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Yeah, should I phone Keith so that I can get his team to watch you bollock me now? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Hugh)'' No no no no. Have I got my bollocking face on? :'''Hugh:''' Well... :'''Malcolm:''' No. This is my bollocking face? :''(Malcolm shows Hugh his infamous "bollocking stare.")'' :'''Hugh:''' Oh, crikey, yes. Thanks for the pot plant, by the way. :'''Malcolm:''' Did I send that? :'''Hugh:''' As an office warming present. :'''Malcolm:''' Christ, she's a ''great'' P.A., isn't she, Sam? :'''Hugh:''' Yeah. :'''Malcolm:''' She always remembers the little people. ''(looking at the plant)'' Look at the size of that. Fuck, you could fucking crucify somebody on that. ''(back to Glenn and Hugh)'' So what do you think of the new building, eh? :'''Hugh:''' Yeah, I can't wait to move upstairs, actually, because I don't really like the glass walls on-on, on this floor. I just feel a bit exposed. :'''Glenn:''' Like a whore in a Reeperbahn window. :'''Terri:''' ''(on the phone, calling out to Glenn)'' Glenn, it's Ollie. He wants you to go through and clarify the Citizenship brief. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Terri)'' How much, love? :'''Terri:''' Sorry? :'''Glenn:''' Okay, I'm on it. :'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' I'll catch you later. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Hugh, smiling)'' I like your tan, by the way. :'''Hugh:''' Thank you. :'''Malcolm:''' Have you declared it? Staying at the villa of an influential friend? :'''Hugh:''' I-I haven't got any influential friends, Malcolm. You are my only influential friend. :'''Malcolm:''' Oh yeah. And I'm not really your friend. :'''Hugh:''' You're not really my friend. :'''Malcolm:''' So this, uh, Super Schools Bill... :'''Hugh:''' Yep. :'''Malcolm:''' You don't think it's so super, do you? :''(Malcolm gives Hugh the "bollocking stare." Again.)'' :'''Hugh:''' You're doing it now. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(unflinching)'' What? :'''Hugh:''' That's your bollocking face. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm and Hugh are now discussing -- or is it arguing over? -- the Super Schools Bill.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' You know, it's great that you get all misty-eyed over Glenn's kid. But no one's trying to fuck over special needs kids. :'''Hugh:''' R-Really? Really? Before I went away, I consulted an expert, Mark-Mark Ryan, and he... :'''Malcolm:''' The LSE education guy? And what did that sandal-wearing nonce have to say? :'''Hugh:''' What he said was that closing down special needs schools and putting needy kids into mainstream education is a lousy idea! :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, but I've got an expert who will ''deny'' that. :'''Hugh:''' And SEN parents want the special schools kept open. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well, my-my expert would totally oppose that. :'''Hugh:''' Who is your expert? :'''Malcolm:''' I have no idea, but I can get one by this afternoon. You see, the thing is you have spoken to the wrong expert. You've got to ask the right expert. And you've got to know what an expert's going to advise you before he advises you. Hugh, whether you like this or not, you are gonna have to promote this bill. So what I'm gonna do is -- I'm gonna get you another expert, yeah? :'''Hugh:''' ''(reluctantly)'' OK. <hr width="50%"/> :''(And so, on Malcolm's say-so, Hugh and Glenn are now meeting with Mr. Roy Smedley, a special needs children expert, to discuss the inclusion of special needs kids in mainstream schools.)'' :'''Hugh:''' But surely, Mr. Smedley, inclusion has been shown to fail the most vulnerable SEN children. :'''Roy Smedley:''' When inclusion's done badly, yes. Yes, uh, you're gonna get bad results. I mean, that's a given. :'''Glenn:''' ''(wearily)'' Inclusion is an illusion. :'''Hugh:''' Mark-Mark Ryan from the LSE was saying that when the special schools do get it right, that the parents of SEN children absolutely fucking flock to... :'''Roy Smedley:''' You spoke to Mark Ryan? :'''Hugh:''' Yeah, well, some expert advice, so... :'''Roy Smedley:''' ''(mockingly)'' OK. Expert advice from Mark Ryan? :'''Hugh:''' Yeah. You have a problem with Mark Ryan? :'''Roy Smedley:''' In educational circles, he's-he's a bit of a joke. That's another given. :'''Hugh:''' Is it? :''(Suddenly, Hugh's computer beeps with an e-mail alert.)'' :'''Glenn:''' ''(responding to the alert)'' Ah, sorry. It's just that I'm expecting, uh, something quite important. :'''Hugh:''' Is our-Is our e-mail up and running? :'''Glenn:''' No. No, no, this is my hotmail. :'''Hugh:''' ''(to Roy Smedley)'' Can you-Sorry, can you excuse me just, um... :''(Roy doesn't mind Hugh being a moment. BUT...Hugh sneaks over to Terri's desk computer since she's not at her desk. Hugh then sends an e-mail to Glenn...or at least who he thinks is HIS pal, Glenn Cullen. The e-mail says "Christ Alive! What a cunt !!!" While Hugh does this despicable thing, Roy continues talking to Glenn.)'' :'''Roy Smedley:''' ''(to Glenn)'' We live in an inclusive society, am I right? I mean, we-we all rub shoulders together, Mr. Cullen? :'''Glenn:''' Indeed. :'''Roy Smedley:''' So let's not let the Mark Ryans of this world create... :'''Glenn:''' Sorry? :'''Roy Smedley:''' ...apartheid for children. The alternative is to isolate these kids in ghetto schools. :'''Glenn:''' The minister won't be a moment. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Robyn, Ollie and Terri are looking at the atrium of the new building from their floor.)'' :'''Ollie:''' Good spot for a suicide, this, I would think: good long drop, appreciative audience. :'''Robyn:''' What if you just broke your back? You know, you'd be paralysed for life and then you'd still be depressed about the thing that was depressing you in the first place. :'''Terri:''' What are these, um, hangy-down things? :'''Ollie:''' Oh, they're [[wikipedia:Sound_baffle#Interior_sound_baffle_design|acoustic baffles]], they stop it getting too echoey in here. :'''Robyn:''' So when you're breaking your back, nobody can hear you screaming? :'''Ollie:''' Well, that is the kind of attention to detail that you get in a [[wikipedia:Private_finance_initiative|PFI]] building. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(spotting them from the ground floor)'' ''HEY! GET BACK TO WORK, ALL OF YOU!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''(Hugh has privately admitted to Terri that he sent the sweary email from her account.)'' :'''Terri:''' Now Hugh, are you going to do the right thing, are you going to admit to this publicly? :'''Hugh:''' Are you – What? No! Are you mad? I can't do that, that ''mustn't'' happen! ''You've'' got – I ''need'' you, to – :'''Terri:''' What, to lie? :'''Hugh:''' I think it was [[Jacques Derrida|Derrida]] who said there is no such thing as actual ''empirical'' truth, but only – :'''Terri:''' Yeah, ''I'll'' tell you what Derrida said, he said, 'Go fuck your face, Abbot!' :''(Terri tries to storm out of the door, but only belatedly notices the exit switch)'' :'''Hugh:''' You need to mind your language, it just will keep getting you into trouble. :'''Terri:''' ''(finally opening the door)'' I can't even get out the fucking room! ''(storms out)'' <hr width="50%"/> :''(Hugh and Glenn return from their Education Select Committee appearance.)'' :'''Ollie:''' How was that? :'''Hugh:''' I lied to the Select Committee. I lied! Is Tucker in the building? :'''Ollie:''' Malcolm in the Middle. :'''Hugh:''' What? :'''Ollie:''' It's just what they're calling him now, 'cause he can stand in the middle of the atrium and just shout at all the departments. :'''Hugh:''' Well I don't want to see him, not at the moment, I can't take one of his scenes from The Exorcist just now. :'''Glenn:''' Look, I don't think Ballentine's on to anything. :'''Hugh:''' Oh no? No? Well, why did she keep asking, 'Just one expert? Only one? Not two experts? Less than three but not two?' The fucking bitch. :'''Glenn:''' It's her style, look, she's just trying to throw you off balance like a sumo wrestler. :'''Hugh:''' Well it worked: there I was on the floor in a big fucking nappy. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hugh''': Christ Malcolm, how do you appear out of nowhere in a building made entirely out of glass? :'''Malcolm:''' I'm a shape-shifter. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hugh''': It's going to be like sitting on a tea crate, having chicken shit sprayed all over me. <hr width="50%"/> :'''A civil servant:''' I'm sorry, can you stop swearing please? :'''Malcolm:''' I'm really sorry, you won't hear any more swearing from us, YOU MASSIVE, GAY, ''SHITE!!! FUCK OFF!'' ''(to Ollie)'' Right, how are you doing in sorting out whether or not he lied or not, are you OK? :'''Ollie:''' Pretty well, yeah. :'''Malcolm:''' Is that a lie? :'''Ollie:''' Yeah. :'''Malcolm:''' That is not fucking funny, you retard. I'm sorry about that, Glenn. The situation just – <hr width="50%"/> :'''Claire Ballentine:''' Are you lying to me now about not lying to me before? :'''Hugh:''' No, I am not a liar. I categorically did not knowingly not tell the truth, even though unknowingly I might not have done. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hugh:''' I don't know what else can go wrong now. Unless the flexible energy system sets fire to my office and then puts it out by squirting liquefied human shit through the ceiling sprinklers. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm''': Hey, I'm going to have a swear box installed on Monday. :'''Hugh''': What? :'''Malcolm''': Fucking joking, you twat! I'm on turbo. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Terri)'' God, right, okay, well, seein' as you're not used to this, I'll go through it for you, okay? What happens at a press conference is this. A bunch of press people are gonna appear, they've got things called cameras and microphones and mobile phones and hangovers and bad breath. Then you are gonna walk out and you're gonna read from what we call a "prepared statement". In that you will say, "I'm really fucking sorry for sounding like a hairy-arsed docker after twelve pints. I promise that I will never call an 8-year-old girl a cunt again. Can we now just draw a line over this, and fucking move on. Thank you". Everybody goes home and then we wait and we see what happens. The best case is you get to keep your job, although you will forever be known as the Sweary Woman of Whitehall.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Ollie''' ''(on the phone to a man he can see in a glass office)'': Yes, but you can't just dump rabies on us because you don't want it. You're Health, that's your job! You should have rabies. Health should have rabies, right? ''(sees the man mime fellatio)'' Oh right, yeah, fine. OK. So we're gonna have to swallow this one, but if we have to deal with a rabies outbreak we're gonna do it so fucking well, you're gonna be frothing at the mouth – yeah, twice! ''(hangs up)'' You prick!<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Hugh:''' First day back from holiday, tanned, tawdry and cheap. I feel like something out of ''[[wikipedia:Footballers'_Wives|Footballers' Wives]]''. :'''Glenn:''' How do you know about ''Footballers' Wives''? :'''Hugh:''' Ollie told me. They all live in Chelmsford, have names like Madison and Chutney, they're an orange colour and they've got thongs up their cracks. ==The Rise Of The Nutters== :''(In the opening scene of this episode, Ollie Reeder and his girlfriend, Emma Messenger, are walking down the street together in the morning. Ollie and Emma are on opposite sides of the British political spectrum. Nevertheless, the two of them are enjoying some good-natured banter talking about their party leaders.)'' :'''Ollie:''' I'm extremely impressed. I'm highly impressed that you're going to see the leader of your party. :'''Emma Messenger:''' Good. You should be impressed. :'''Ollie:''' Although, ultimately, the leader of your party is just a man, really, isn't he? He's just a guy. :'''Emma:''' Ah, now that's a good point, actually, because yours on the other hand is... :'''Ollie:''' No no no no. Mine is... :'''Emma:''' What? :'''Ollie:''' ...the leader of the country also. What I'm saying is ''if'' we were playing Top Trumps, which we kind of are... :'''Emma:''' Oh, cor, we absolutely are, Ollie. :'''Ollie:''' I win. :'''Emma:''' Right. So it's Ben Swain Day today, is it? :'''Ollie:''' Yes. A Nutter in our midst. A junior minister for me to push around, you know. That's nice, isn't it? A bit more power for me. :'''Emma:''' You are an extremely powerful man, Ollie. :'''Ollie:''' Very powerful, very attractive sexually, due to all this power. :''(As Ollie and Emma get to Government Headquarters, they are met up with Malcolm and Jamie.)'' :'''Jamie:''' Hey, Poxbridge! :'''Malcolm:''' Hello! :'''Jamie:''' Hey, dickhead! Happy New Queer! :'''Malcolm:''' I'm really sorry, but I – don't be so offensive. I do apologise for my friend's behaviour. Did you have a nice Poof-mas? :'''Ollie:''' What are you two, um, doing round Richmond Terrace then? :'''Jamie:''' Oh, we're slumming it. Just going to see Julius, the big baldy ballbag. ''(to Emma)'' You must be, you, what is it? Gemma? Gemma? :'''Emma:''' Emma. It's Emma. :'''Jamie:''' Emma. Hi, Emma. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' What are you doing down here? :'''Ollie:''' I'm babysitting Ben Swain for the day. :'''Malcolm:''' Could you water my spider plants in my office as well? ''(to Emma)'' He's very good with the watering can. Very very bright lad. Homemaker. :''(And with that, Ollie and Emma share a rather awkward goodbye -- WITH NO KISS!)'' :'''Emma:''' I'll see you later. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, see you later. ''(Ollie rushes inside to catch up with Jamie and Malcolm.)'' <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm and Jamie are busting Ollie's chops about his relationship with Emma.)'' :'''Jamie:''' ''(to Ollie)'' So, the girlfriend, she-she doesn't mind the whole, uh, you being gay thing? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Did you take her home for Christmas? :'''Ollie:''' No. God, no. I couldn't do that. :'''Malcolm:''' Oh no, you couldn't do that, 'cause she wouldn't fit in. 'Cause you're that right dyed-in-the-wool working class, aren't you? She's probably allergic to pit ponies. <hr width="50%"/> :''(In this scene, Peter Mannion, the Leader of the Opposition, is having a chat with his adviser, Phil Smith. As they're entering Opposition Headquarters, Peter and Phil are discussing Emma's relationship with Ollie...and Phil just happens to be Emma's roommate.)'' :'''Peter Mannion:''' Are they actually sleeping together? :'''Phil Smith:''' Yes, yeah. In the flat. :'''Peter:''' Do you think she's on top or, what-what do you hear? :'''Phil:''' Well, I hear her say, "How do you like it?" And he'll say, "I've got to page Tucker." :'''Peter:''' Oh, God. ''(beat)'' Have I shaved properly? It's just we're-we're having the bathroom done and I was in the kitchen this morning using the kettle as a mirror. :'''Phil:''' No, you're very smooth. So it's a chrome kettle, then? :'''Peter:''' You've been watching ''[[wikipedia:CSI|CSI]]'' again, haven't you? :''(As Peter and Phil are walking up the stairs, they are joined by Emma, who is also Peter's advisor.)'' :'''Emma:''' Morning. :'''Phil:''' ''(to Emma)'' Oh, hello. How was sleeping with the enemy? :'''Emma:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Oh, hilarious. I forgot how funny you were. :''(The three of them are nearing the office...)'' :'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' What time are you seeing Stewart? :'''Emma:''' It'll be in about half an hour. What about you? :'''Peter:''' ''(groaning)'' Oh, I'll be last in. He's punishing me for standing against JB in the leadership contest by putting me in the [[wikipedia:Ryanair|Ryanair]] queue. :'''Emma:''' Come on, he got you that terrific photo op with the, uh, wind turbine thing on your house, remember? :'''Peter:''' Yes, and it cost me 12 grand. And I have to pay for the electricity bill to keep the bugger turning because, of course, there's no wind in the valley, I have to plug it in. But my next door neighbor has an England flag that just hangs there limply while my turbine mysteriously whizzes around. :'''Phil:''' Could turn the turbine round so it blows his flag. :''(Peter, Emma and Phil finally sit down.)'' :'''Phil:''' Right. What's up first, then, Peter? :'''Emma:''' While we're here, we could bat a few ideas around. :'''Peter:''' He wants something fluffy for the speech, does he? Environment? Tax breaks for aromatherapists? SatNav for asylum seekers? :'''Phil:''' Well, I was thinking about a departmental blog. :'''Peter:''' ''(groaning again)'' Oh, God. Really? :'''Phil:''' I could actually do the..the writing bit of it, because you wouldn't have time. :'''Peter:''' Well, I mean, I might as well, I've knack all else to do. ''(Peter turns to Phil)'' Though, um...to be honest, you-you sort it out. :'''Phil:''' I thought we could have like a guest book so that, kind of, you know, readers can kind of leave their comments. :'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' Are you sure? Have you ever Googled your own name? It's like opening a door to a room where everyone tells you how shit you are. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm, Jamie and Ollie are walking up the stairs to the offices at Government HQ, discussing Ben Swain.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Where's [[wikipedia:My Little Pony|My Little Phony?]] Ben Swain. What's his ''[[wikipedia:Newsnight|Newsnight]]'' angle gonna be, then? :'''Ollie:''' Ben? Ben is going on Newsnight? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(chuckling)'' Oh, you're a right little West Winger, you, aren't you? They're cutting you out of the loop already? :'''Ollie:''' Well, I'll check who the presenter is and obviously... :'''Jamie:''' The presenter is Newsbot 3.2. He's a nobody. He's a fucking scorch mark. :'''Malcolm:''' Paxo's in Kenya fly-fishing with [[wikipedia:Stephen Fry|Stephen Fry]] or whatever the fuck it is he does. Kirsty is sobering up in Kilmarnock with her gran, so she's out of the picture. :'''Ollie:''' Well, I'll just check the lines with Pat Morrissey, then. And then we'll... :'''Jamie:''' Pat Morrissey? :'''Ollie:''' Yeah. :'''Jamie:''' Her? What, Fat Pat? :'''Ollie:''' Yeah. :'''Jamie:''' "Pumpkin Tits?" :'''Ollie:''' Yeah. Pat and, uh, Communications have asked that everything be double-ticked through her from now. ''(to Malcolm)'' I mean, you get a tick as well. Obviously. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Oh well, well obviously! Yes, that's-that's very very nice and that's very fucking big of them! I get a tick! :'''Ollie:''' So I mean, it's, it's two ticks for a, uh, a green light, basically, that's the system. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(beside himself)'' Pat Morrissey. Communications is full of Nutters these days. :'''Jamie:''' Soon as the PM said he'd be gone inside a year, the Nutters start popping up like [[wikipedia:Melanoma|mela-fucking-noma]]. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' See you later. See you in a tick. :'''Jamie:''' ''(to Ollie)'' What about you? You're not a Nutter, are you? :'''Ollie:''' I-I'm not a Nutter, Jamie. I'm...I'm a nipper. :''(Ollie then bumps into Terri.)'' :'''Ollie:''' Hey, Terri! :'''Terri:''' Hi, Ollie, Happy New Year! :'''Ollie:''' How was Christmas? :'''Terri:''' Oh, you know... :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, I know, yeah. Six pairs of socks, three Harry Potter omnibuses. All that "I thought you were taking the giblets out. Don't give Nan any more Baileys. She's only got the one pad with her." ''(Ollie follows Terri into an office.)'' Every bloody year. :'''Terri:''' Yeah, well, you know, just me and Mum in the care home. :'''Ollie:''' Right. Jesus...So, eh, Ben on ''Newsnight?'' :'''Terri:''' Ben Swain's going on ''Newsnight?'' :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, yeah. Oh, God, thank God you didn't know, either. I thought it was just me. :'''Terri:''' Oh no no no. I did know about that, actually. :'''Ollie:''' Well, why did you say it like that, then? "Ben Swain's going on ''Newsnight?''" :'''Terri:''' You're just out of the loop. I'm very well wired into the Tommists. :'''Ollie:''' ''(laughing)'' Nobody calls them Tommists. They're Nutters, Terri. Nobody calls them Tommists. :'''Terri:''' ''(dead serious)'' I don't like that word. My sister works in mental health. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Ben Swain, the Junior Minister that Ollie is "babysitting," arrives at the office.)'' :'''Ben Swain:''' Morning, all! :'''Terri:''' Benjamin! Happy New Year! :'''Ollie:''' Ben! Big Ben, Ben-Benji, Beno, Benj. :'''Ben:''' Happy New Year to you as well. :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ben)'' These are the briefing notes. :'''Ben:''' Ah, splendid. I'll file these directly in the shredder. Thank you, Glenn. :''(Ben, Glenn and Ollie enter an office.)'' :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ben)'' If you just, uh, stick to what's in there, you'll be all right. Just remember, you're the night watchman, all right? :'''Ben:''' Yes, well, I like to think of myself as more, perhaps, I don't know, an elected MP than a night watchman, Glenn. But thank you very much for everything, I'll be fine without you holding my hand. You enjoy your weekend cottaging in Wales or whatever it is you're up to. :''(Ollie picks up a copy of Ben's upcoming book, which is called, "It's the Everything, Stupid: How to Get Ahead in Modern Politics.")'' :'''Ollie:''' ''(impressed)'' This is looking good. When is it coming out? :'''Ben:''' End of the, end of the week. You'll be able to make the launch party? :'''Terri:''' ''(to Ben)'' Great title. :'''Ben:''' Thank you. :'''Ollie:''' And have you written it yourself or was it ghosted by, uh... :'''Ben:''' By [[wikipedia:Victoria Beckham|Victoria Beckham]]? No, everything in there is entirely-entirely written by me, I think you'll find. Yes. :'''Ollie:''' There you go, you have hidden talents. :'''Ben:''' Anyone heard from "The Hughster?" :'''Terri:''' Yes, he's suffering from jet lag. :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Ben)'' Have you ever been to Australia? :'''Ben:''' No. Why would I want to go there? Full of people in khaki, squinting. Just the world's largest collection of poisonous things. :'''Ollie:''' Oh, yeah. God, yeah. If you want to stick around with poisonous snakes, you might as well stay here. :''(Awkward silence occurs after Ollie's stupid attempt at a joke.)'' :'''Ollie:''' ''(jokingly)'' Throw a blanket on me, I'm on fire. :'''Ben:''' Heh-heh, good. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Before Glenn heads off to Wales, he gives Ollie some last-minute instructions for babysitting Ben.)'' :'''Glenn:''' Listen, Ollie. We may be babysitting a Nutter. He may look like a Womble, but he's got Nutter eyes and Nutter ears. So, keep an eye on him. :'''Ollie:''' All right, the minute any chicken blood turns up on the paperwork, I'll be straight on to you, don't worry. :'''Glenn:''' Right, I'm off to Wales and the late 1950s. :''(Terri blows Glenn a friendly kiss goodbye.)'' :'''Ollie:''' Happy trails. <hr width="50%"/> :''(As Peter is waiting to meet with Stewart -- still -- he has a conversation with Phil about his upcoming holiday.)'' :'''Peter:''' ''(coughing)'' Oh, I can't get rid of this. :'''Phil:''' I bet you're looking forward to your holiday. :'''Peter:''' Well, yeah. I mean, obviously, I'm not flying abroad anywhere, because... :'''Phil:''' Carbon. :'''Peter:''' No, bathroom. I'm supervising the doing up of my bathroom. :'''Phil:''' ''(looking at two lamps)'' What is that? :'''Peter:''' It's just – :'''Phil:''' Is that raffia? :'''Peter:''' He's discovered IKEA, hasn't he? :'''Phil:''' It's all for show. They want to look modern, like they appeal to the kind of people who go to IKEA. :'''Peter:''' I'm modern! I say 'black' instead of 'coloured', I think women are a good thing, I have no problem with gays. Most of them are very well turned out, especially the men. :'''Phil:''' I know. :'''Peter:''' Why is it, this last year, I'm being made to feel as if I'm always two steps behind, like I can't program the video or convert everything back to [[wikipedia:£sd|old money]]? Because that's not me! :'''Phil:''' ''(confused)'' You've still got a video? :'''Peter:''' I'm a one-nation party. :''(And now, it's time to meet Stewart Pearson, the Director of Communications for the Opposition. Stewart and Emma are sharing a laugh as she's leaving his office. Now, Stewart is ready to see Peter.)'' :'''Stewart Pearson:''' ''(smiling)'' Ah, Peter. Dr. Stewart will see you now, hey? I could hear you coughing in there. Is that your contribution to the meeting? :'''Emma:''' ''(to Peter)'' You all right? :'''Peter:''' Yes, okay. You know, it's just hanging around. :'''Stewart:''' Yeah, I'm sorry to keep you hanging about, but you know, right now all the...all the big priority stuff is the big party stuff. :'''Peter:''' I was talking about the cold hanging around. :'''Stewart:''' Oh, right. ''(Stewart heads back into his office.)'' Thanks very much, Em. :''(As Peter goes into Stewart's office for a chat, Phil asks Emma about her meeting.)'' :'''Phil:''' Was that fun there? :'''Emma:''' Yeah, it was useful. :'''Phil:''' Playing with the big boys? :'''Emma:''' Yeah. Now I'm back with the little boys, huh? :'''Phil:''' No. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Stewart and Peter start their chat.)'' :'''Stewart:''' So. How are you, then? :'''Peter:''' ''(nodding)'' Fine, I'm-I'm fine. :'''Stewart:''' Good, superb, because the reason I've asked you in -- I mean, firstly, just to say, "Hi, how are you?"... :'''Peter:''' Still fine. :'''Stewart:''' Then, this photo call this afternoon, "100 Days of the New Leader." We've got you a Paul Smith suit. I did think about Vivienne Westwood or...Well, it was just too expensive. And, oh, and a Ted Baker... ''(Stewart pulls out a pinkish-looking shirt with stripes on it.)'' Ted Baker shirt, right? No tie, we're thinking open-necked look might be good. :'''Peter:''' But I'm already wearing a suit and, controversially, a tie. :'''Stewart:''' Yeah, absolutely, sure. But frankly, you know, it all looks a bit '80s, you know? [[wikipedia:Robert Palmer|Robert Palmer]], Sink the Belgrano, that kind of vibe. We think this is better, it's modern, it's sharp, it's slimming. Try it on. :'''Peter:''' ''(in amused disbelief)'' Is this a joke? :'''Stewart:''' Try the suit on. :''(Moments later, Stewart makes Peter change into a different suit and shirt.)'' :'''Stewart:''' Just wondering whether you're fully conversant with the new line, whether you're really up to speed? :'''Peter:''' Well, I don't know. Am I? Because, uh, I get people stopping me in the streets and saying, 'Are you still for locking up yobbos?', and I say, 'Yeah, of course we are.' And then I think, 'Well, are we?' Because maybe I missed a memo from you. Maybe I should understand yobbos now, or not even call them yobbos, call them 'young men with issues around stabbing.' ''(awkward silence)'' No tie, you say? :'''Stewart:''' No tie. :'''Peter:''' Quite a nice suit, actually. :'''Stewart:''' So, we were thinking...Shirt outside the trousers. :'''Peter:''' Outside? Not tuck my shirt in? :'''Stewart:''' Yeah. :'''Peter:''' I always tuck my shirt in, it's part of getting dressed. What, should I not do my flies up either? Let the old chap flop out. Is that modern enough for you? :'''Stewart:''' Just try it, Peter. Not the cock out, but just the shirt thing. :'''Peter:''' ''(untucking his shirt)'' I'm from a generation of men, Stewart, who tuck their shirts in. I've done it since I was a boy, I was told off for ''not'' doing it. :'''Stewart:''' Oh God, no, you were right. Sorry, no, tuck it in. You look like you've been startled by a fire alarm. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm and Jamie enter Ben's office. Time to discuss Ben's upcoming appearance as Jeremy Paxman's guest on Newsnight.)'' :'''Jamie:''' Mr. Swain. :'''Ben:''' Jamie. :'''Malcolm:''' Good morning, Ben. :'''Ben:''' Morning, Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to 2 office workers)'' Off you two fuck. :''(The 2 workers leave Ben's office.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Right, Ben, heard the big news about [[wikipedia:Jeremy_Paxman|Paxo]]. :'''Ben:''' Oh right. :'''Malcolm:''' What was it you did in your gap year again? :'''Ben:''' Um, Interrailing, month on a kibbutz – :'''Malcolm:''' Did you ever travel, like, 100 miles per hour, head-first through a tunnel full of pig shit? Because that's what's gonna happen to you tonight with Paxman, ''unless'', unless...you listen to us. :'''Jamie:''' He will eat you up, sick you out and grout his fucking wet room with you. :'''Ben:''' Yeah, I have been interviewed on television before, thank you very much. :'''Malcolm:''' Who? :'''Ben:''' [[wikipedia:George_Alagiah|George Alagiah]]. :'''Jamie:''' Yeah? Do you know what they call him? Easy George. :'''Malcolm:''' This is Paxo. What are you gonna do when he pulls that big rubbery horse-face of mock-incredulity at you? :'''Ben:''' Yes, look, we know the cheat codes for Paxman now, don't we? That old aggressive style of his is just old school. All you need to do, you play the honest, the Honest Joe just trying to humbly get your point across and... :'''Jamie:''' ''(pulling up a chair)'' Let's see you do your stuff, Mr. Television, huh? :''(Jamie is pretending to be Jeremy Paxman on Newsnight, asking Ben questions.)'' :'''Jamie:''' ''(As Paxo)'' Immigration is in disarray. What are ''you'' going to do about it? :'''Ben:''' Well, first of all, I would have to take issue with your contention that immigration is in... :'''Jamie:''' Oh, answer the question, you fat fuck! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Phil and Emma are home in their flat -- discussing Ollie.)'' :'''Phil:''' Why the fuck do you have to keep inviting him round here? :'''Emma:''' Oh, are you a bit jealous? :'''Phil:''' Of [[wikipedia:Gerald_Home|the man]] from the Mr Muscle adverts? No, I just think it's just unreasonable that I have to watch what I'm gonna say in my own flat; I mean, you could at least give me warning if he's coming round or something. :'''Emma:''' I tell you what, I'll put a sex grid on the fridge. :'''Phil:''' Oh, yeah. :'''Emma:''' So that you can have dates and stuff: I'll put an A4 piece of paper for me up, and maybe you could have half a post-it note? You could share it with Affers, maybe. :'''Phil:''' Yeah. Have to write really small, though, I've slept with three women in – :'''Ollie:''' ''(returning from the toilet)'' Your life? :'''Phil:''' Yes. :''(Ollie laughs)''<hr width="50%" /> :''(Ollie, Emma, and Phil are watching Ben Swain's [[wikipedia:Newsnight|Newsnight]] interview together. Malcolm, who is also watching from his office, is on the phone to Jamie, who is watching Ben from inside the studio.)'' :'''Emma:''' What's he doing with his eyes? :'''Ollie:''' Oh my God. He's got a nervous blink. :'''Malcolm:''' That's a mega blink! It's not just ''a'' blink. :'''Ollie:''' He looks like what happens when you punch a cow. ''(impersonates a cow mooing in pain)'' :'''Phil:''' Oh my God, this is like watching a lion rape a sheep, but in a bad way. :'''Jamie:''' The cameramen are laughing. :'''Ollie:''' 'J-j-j-j-just'! :'''Emma:''' Stop him, stop him! :'''Ollie:''' He spelled 'just' with four Js! :'''Malcolm:''' He's like a chicken, he's like an enormous chicken! :'''Phil:''' It's just one word he's been saying, which is basically ''(gibberish)''. :'''Jamie:''' Well, what about the coalface? :'''Malcolm:''' Pull it, puncture his lifebelt. Pull it, give him the signal. If he shits, I'll give you 500 quid.<hr width="50%" /> :''(After Ben Swain's interview)'' :'''Ollie:''' Well he certainly looked like a Nutter. :'''Emma:''' He looked like that little guy on the green that shouts 'You're an Arab' at everyone. :'''Phil:''' It's a tough day tomorrow, picking bits of Ben out of Malcolm's car. :'''Ollie:''' He didn't mention the coalface idea. <hr width="50%" /> :'''Jamie:''' ''(to Ben, in the car back from the studio)'' You don't deserve to ''live!'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Peter:''' How is my blog? My own personal blog, personally written by me? :''(they all go to the computer)'' :'''Phil:''' There we go. :'''Emma:''' Oh, brilliant. :'''Phil:''' Yesterday you liked the leader's speech, it was bold and courageous and sent out the right signals, and you had a fruit lunch. :'''Peter:''' Oh, I write very well. What's the feedback like? :'''Phil:''' Pretty good. Let's see on this page here. Here we go. :'''Peter:''' "I don't trust you, you Cypriot crook." :'''Phil:''' What? :'''Peter:''' Cypriot? This is the shit room. You've opened the shit room door. :'''Emma:''' Oh come on, that's not too bad. :'''Peter:''' "How are the maintenance payments going on your bastard?" Christ, that was twelve years ago! :'''Phil:''' I hadn't seen that one. :'''Peter:''' "Adulterous Nazi"? :'''Phil:''' Or that one. :'''Emma:''' That's actually I think the same one. :'''Peter:''' This is the trouble with the public, they're fucking horrible. :'''Emma:''' Peter, you really – you can't say the public are fucking horrible. :'''Peter:''' Yes I can, I've met them. "You've always got such a pained expression. Do you take it up the chutney?" Really? I mean, for God's sake. :'''Emma:''' The chutney? :'''Peter:''' Yes, it's up the arse. :'''Emma:''' See this: I still don't understand why people do this 'h8' thing. If you're going to leave a message, I mean, at least spell it correctly.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Phil:''' What the fuck was that all about? You know, nicking the other lot's ideas? :'''Emma:''' You jumped straight on the bandwagon, you hypocrite. :'''Phil:''' You started it. You know, at least I'm not nicking my boyfriend's ideas. :'''Emma:''' You sanctimonious twat! Jesus, you're not my dad, Phil, even if you do dress like him. :'''Peter:''' ''(knocking from behind glass)'' What's going on? :'''Phil:''' Swain was supposed to flag up the coalface idea last night but he didn't. So Emma nicked it. :'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' Oh, fuck-tastic. Not only was it a shit idea to ruin my holiday, it was a shit idea you stole from the government to ruin my holiday. Good work. :'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' Thanks a lot, [[wikipedia:Supergrass_(informant)|Supergrass]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm''' ''(seeing Ben Swain arrive)'': Oh, here he is. Dead man walking. :'''Jamie:''' ''(impersonating Ben)'' 'I, I, I wish you wouldn't keep saying that, I, I, I –' ''(normal voice)'' What's your favourite band, [[blink-182]]?<hr width="50%" /> :'''Jamie:''' That's not a proper cigar: a proper cigar is those big Cuban whoppers, that's just a jumped-up fag. :'''Malcolm:''' Talking of [[wikipedia:Fagging|which]] – :'''Ollie''' ''(entering)'': Hi. :'''Jamie and Malcolm:''' Hey! :'''Jamie:''' Is it [[wikipedia:Rag_(student_society)#Rag_Week|Rag Week]]? :'''Malcolm:''' Do you fancy a cigar? I promise I won't tell any of the other prefects. :'''Jamie:''' Hand rolled on the thigh of a Cuban virgin with big tits and four kids. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, thanks. Um, Malcolm, I just wondered if I could have a quick word, actually. The opposition have got the Week at the Coalface idea. They're gonna do it. :'''Jamie:''' Who, when? :'''Ollie:''' Peter Mannion, I don't know when. :'''Malcolm:''' How the fuck did they get that? Your fucking girlfriend, Jesus Christ! :'''Jamie:''' You should have dumped that mad bitch ages ago. :'''Ollie:''' Well I would've done! She is mad, she's a mental woman! But you two kept telling me to go out with her and stay going out with her, just in case I found anything out! :'''Jamie:''' Oh, and what did you find out? That you've been leaking intelligence to them? You're the fucking shittest James Bond ever. You're... you're [[wikipedia:David_Niven|David fucking Niven]]! <hr width="50%" /> :'''Malcolm:''' Get him properly fucking screen-tested. I'm sorry mate, but you need a lot of powder, I've never seen anybody look so fucking ugly with just one head. :'''Ben:''' Yeah. No, I lost my islands of safety, didn't I, which is – :'''Malcolm:''' And who was it that did your media training? [[wikipedia:Moors_murders#Myra_Hindley|Myra Hindley]]? I mean, it was terrible, all this – hands were all over the place. You were like a sweaty octopus trying to unhook a bra! It was like watching John Leslie at work! :'''Ben:''' Yes, I know all of that, and it just kind of fell away. God, it was like one of those dreams when you're wandering around [[wikipedia:Covent_Garden|Covent Garden]] or something in just your vest and everyone's staring at you. :'''Jamie:''' I think it was much worse than that, I mean, how many people see you in Covent Garden, a few thousand? Your meltdown was witnessed by 1.2 million people. That's more people than saw [[wikipedia:Al_Jolson|Al Jolson]] in his entire career. And that's Al fucking Jolson! :'''Malcolm:''' He loves Al Jolson. :'''Jamie:''' The Governor! :'''Ollie:''' '[[wikipedia:My_Mammy|Maaammy]].' :'''Jamie:''' You take the piss out of Jolson again, and I will remove your [[iPod]] from its tiny nano-sheath, and push it up your ''cock!'' And then I'll plug some speakers up your arse, and put it onto shuffle with my fucking fist! And every time I hear something that I don't like, which will be every time that something comes on, I will skip to the next track ''(to Ben)'' by crushing ''your balls!'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' Oh, sorry! Do you know what, maybe you should dump Peter and go out with Ollie. :'''Ollie:''' Well, it wouldn't be any more disastrous than our relationship, would it, hey? :'''Emma:''' Christ, Ollie, well if it's been such a fucking disaster, why didn't you break up with me sooner? :'''Ollie:''' Well, if it had been up to me I would have broken up with you sooner! :'''Emma:''' If it had been up t– Oh, OK – This is Malcolm, isn't it? Malcolm has been pimping you out! You fucking sad little – :'''Phil:''' ''(laughing)'' That's funny. :'''Ollie and Emma:''' Fuck you, Phil! :'''Phil:''' Oh, suddenly ''I'm'' the bad guy again. :'''Ollie:''' Go and read your blog, nerd boy! I'm going. This is the point where I go. :'''Phil:''' Wow. That point actually exists. Incredible. :'''Ollie:''' I will be so ''not'' sorry not ever to have to talk to you again, you massive floppy blonde tit! I hope your blog gets done for libel and you get knobbed in prison by men. And – ''(to Emma)'' it is over, you self-serving, crypto-fascist, horse-loving, posh, weekend-at-Daddy's, vacuous nothing! ''(leaves)'' :'''Emma:''' Fuck you, Ollie, and put your keys on the side! :'''Phil:''' He's got keys? <hr width="50%"/> :''(looking at a newspaper story with the headline "Silly Tucker: Was web of filth spun by Downing Street 'Spiderman'?")'' :'''Malcolm''' ''(on the phone)'': The story isn't me, Glenn, OK? Nobody is interested in me and I'll be pleased if you'd remember that, OK? :'''Glenn''' ''(at his sister's Welsh cottage)'': You sure you don't want me and Hugh to come back? We could give you some cover. :'''Malcolm:''' Hugh is not coming back: it would look like we're panicking, and we're not panicking. But I need ''you'' back here fucking ASAP to let them know that we're not panicking. :'''Glenn:''' So you want me to interrupt ''my'' holiday in a panic, so that Hugh doesn't have to interrupt ''his'' holiday and look like he's panicking? :'''Malcolm:''' You get back here! I wanna see you popping a bollock for me! ''(hangs up)'' :'''Jamie:''' ''(walking in, holding up the same 'Silly Tucker' story)'' You seen this? :'''Malcolm:''' No, I haven't seen that. I'm the senior press guy for the Government of Great Britain and Northern Ireland. No, I don't look at the newspapers, that's fucking news to me. :'''Jamie:''' All right, all right. What are we doing? :'''Malcolm:''' What are we doing? Fuck all, we're not doing nothing, all right, because I am not the story here. :'''Jamie:''' Well, no, you kind of are the story, Malc: they spelt your name right and everything. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' You take this and this, and you put it onto your bird's breasts, and you rub them and squeeze them very very gently, you get her into the sack, you bang her fucking brains out, you make sure that she cums, and you just give her the policy! :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, but I chucked her, and not in a kind of, you know, 'It's not you, it's me' sort of way, more in a 'It ''is'' you, you hideous vacuous [[Sloane Ranger|Sloane]] bitch from hell' kind of scorched-earth kind of – :'''Malcolm:''' I'm really not interested at all in your little tiff. Get round there, take your Barry White album and your lube and your fucking policy folder. :'''Ollie:''' Malcolm, this is really crossing the line here – :'''Malcolm:''' Don't start with the moral objections, you fucking [[wikipedia:Blue_Peter_badge|Blue Peter badge]]-wearing ponce! Go and make a contribution to fucking Amnesty International, go and buy a goat the whole village can fuck! But you are doing this for me. :'''Ollie:''' Malcolm, you're bullying me, and, you know, I don't know why you're bullying me, you're – :'''Malcolm:''' How dare you? How dare you! Don't you ever, ''ever'', call me a bully. I'm so much worse than that. Do it. OK? Wash your hands. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Peter:''' Do I know you? Oh, don't you work for somebody famous? Er, Malcolm [[wikipedia:Hamish_Macbeth|Hamish MacDeath]]? :'''Jamie:''' It's, er, Peter Onion, isn't it? :'''Peter:''' Hah! That's right. :'''Jamie:''' I always forget, were you the forced abortion or the love child? Or the guy who asphyxiated himself with a kiwi? :'''Peter:''' Just the love child: I was the quiet one. :'''Phil:''' Like [[wikipedia:John_Deacon|John Deacon]] in Queen. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Terri''' ''(on her phone)'': Well I might as well call myself on unofficial leave now: nothing will happen for the next three weeks, absolutely zero. I'm gonna book that holiday. Yeah, well, I mean, all they'll be doing, they'll be bobbing about like emperor penguins trying to swap over an egg. <hr width="50%"/> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Jamie:''' Is your department looking at a 10 million overspend? Yes, or no? :'''Ben:''' Well, I don't have the figures to hand, but all I can say is that if there has been an overspend or a perceived overspend within this department, then certainly I think I've – ''(sees Jamie mime fellatio)'' He's not gonna do that, is he? :'''Malcolm:''' Oh yes, he will, and he will do a lot more. Jazz hands, he'll be touching you up under the table, he's got all the tricks. :'''Ben:''' No he won't! Fuck off, Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' You, listen. First things first: you need some interruption lines, yeah? Something that you can throw in. :'''Ben:''' All right: how about, er, 'I will answer the questions in the order you asked them, Jeremy'. :'''Jamie:''' That makes you sound like a smug Oxbridge twat. Oh, I know you are, but ''everyone'' doesn't need to know. <hr width="50%"/> :''(deleted scene)'' :''(while watching Ben Swain on Newsnight)'' :'''Ollie:''' Still, at least Hugh will be pleased. :'''Phil:''' Yeah, he'll be thrilled, I'm sure! His department on the rack, he'll be like, 'Hey, Ollie, thanks for running the department, although it seems to have all turned to shit!' You're like the man with the [[wikipedia:Midas#Golden_Touch|Midas touch]], except instead of everything you touch turning to gold, it turns to shit. You're like the man with the shit touch. Shitfinger. :'''Ollie:''' Shouldn't you be online pretending to be a Hobbit, eh? Trying to get a date with a lady Hobbit, but failing? :'''Phil:''' Shitfinger. <hr width="50%"/> :''(deleted scene)'' :''(seeing Ben Swain arrive)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Oh hey, hello, here he is! The walk of shame. :'''Jamie:''' You never told us you had epilepsy of the eyes. Was that a sweat, or were you crying? :'''Malcolm:''' Have I seen you on the telly? :'''Ben:''' ''(laughs)'' Yeah. [[wikipedia:Blockbusters_(British_game_show)|Blockbuster]], 1991, I got a Gold Run. :'''Malcolm:''' You know what, I have never seen anyone sweat so much in my life. And I've had a sauna with [[Luciano Pavarotti|Pavarotti]]! I know that politicians and hot air are supposed to go together, but I've never actually seen one vapourise! :'''Ben:''' Can I get you two fellows a drink? :'''Malcolm:''' An orange juice, yeah, yes. :'''Ben:''' Jamie? :'''Jamie:''' Oh, I'll have a pint of 'Fuck right off and die, you miserable fucking tosser'. Do they do that in here? :'''Malcolm:''' He's a wee bit disappointed. :'''Jamie:''' We'll get you on [[wikipedia:Newsround|Newsround]] next time. You reflected badly on me, and I don't like that. :'''Ben:''' Oh come on, Jamie, look, I'll get you a drink and then we'll – :'''Jamie:''' DO YOU WANT A FUCKING SPLINTER GLASS FACIAL? I'm not pretending to hate you here, I actually fucking hate you! I'm not playing a fucking game. Fuck off! ''(leaves)'' :'''Malcolm:''' He trained as a priest. :'''Ben:''' Really? Yeah, he'd be fantastic, I'd confess everything to him. <hr width="50%"/> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Where are you tonight? 'Cause you're not here. What, no invitation for number one party animal, Julius [[Pete Doherty]] Nicholson? :'''Julius:''' Who's Peter O'Doherty? :'''Malcolm:''' Stop trying to joke, OK? Don't joke, you are not funny, Julius, you're about as funny as a blind toddler in a fucking minefield. <hr width="50%"/> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Glenn''' ''(in his sister's Welsh cottage, on the phone)'': Ah, Malcolm. Terri's just rung about the wankers' announcement, and I thought you'd want to know, Hugh's on the way to the airport, but do you want me to definitely tell him to get on the plane? :'''Malcolm:''' No, it's too fucking late. What's he gonna do, come and shadow the shadow of DoSAC shadowing him? Show him where the bogs are? :'''Glenn:''' Yeah, but you told me to tell him to come home. :'''Malcolm:''' Did I? :'''Glenn:''' Yeah! :'''Ollie''' ''(in Malcolm's office, on the phone)'': Right, Hugh, hi. Er, no, I don't think you're going to be wanted back here. :'''Malcolm:''' What is the problem? :'''Ollie:''' He's on some road somewhere where he can't do a U-turn for about five miles or something. :'''Malcolm:''' Good! I like to know that I can still make him miserable even though he's 12,000 miles away. ==Spinners and Losers== :''(Amidst all the chaos swirling after the announcement of the PM's surprise resignation, Ollie's cell phone rings. It's Angela Heaney.)'' :'''Ollie:''' ''(answering his phone)'' Angela, hello. :'''Angela:''' Ollie. How are you? :'''Ollie:''' I am tickets-fuckety-boo, thank you very much. :'''Angela:''' Sorry? :'''Ollie:''' Tickets-fuckety-boo. It's just something that Ben says. :'''Angela:''' Are you and Ben Swain big buds, then? :'''Ollie:''' Well, you know...Just, could you... :''(Ollie has to get away from Glenn, because Glenn is talking to Hugh on his cell phone.)'' :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Angela)'' Hang on just a second... :''(Ollie walks away from the action...and then resumes his conversation with Angela.)'' :'''Ollie:''' ''(in a quieter voice)'' Things are just a little bit fluid here and Glenn's not really a big Ben fan. Ben Swain obviously, not the clock. Well, it's not the clock, is it? It's the bell that's called Big Ben. :'''Angela:''' So go on, tell me: Who else is running? :'''Ollie:''' ''(in the men's toilets)'' Well, no one. No one's gonna stand against Tom now, surely, it's going to be unopposed. ''(Starts using the urinal)'' They'll be rebranding him as we speak, I would imagine: new hair, [[wikipedia:Ted_Baker|Ted Baker]] teeth, all the modern trappings of your political leader – :'''Angela:''' Ollie! Are you pissing? :'''Ollie:''' Er no, that's the flush of the automatic urinals, it's a gentlemen's lavatory. :'''Angela:''' I don't want to talk to you while you're holding your penis. :'''Ollie:''' Well, that's not what you used to say, Angela. :'''Angela:''' Er, yes it is. :'''Ollie:''' No, well – actually it is precisely what you used to say. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' Has anybody seen Jamie? :'''Glenn:''' Why, have you lost him? :'''Ollie:''' Oh, don't tell me he's gone feral, 'cause he was fucking terrifying when you had him on the leash! :'''Malcolm:''' Let's not overreact. :'''Ollie:''' Easy for ''you'' to say, he threatened to shove an iPod up my cock! :'''Malcolm:''' But you get that a lot, though, don't you? :<hr width="50%" />''(discussing Dan Miller)'' :'''Glenn:''' You don't think he's got a chance, do you? :'''Ollie:''' Nah, he's just a droid, isn't he? He's just – ''(makes robotic noises and gestures)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(lecturing Ollie)'' Hey hey hey hey. Don't-don't-don't let him hear you doing that sort of stuff. What happens if he does stand a chance, eh? He'll fuck you harder than [[wikipedia:Ron_Jeremy|Ron Jeremy]], and with less warmth. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Meanwhile, at the Daily Mail's headquarters, Adam Kenyon, the editor-in-chief at the mail, is discussing the news of who's standing for leadership with Angela.)'' :'''Adam Kenyon:''' Right, Geoff Holhurst? :'''Angela:''' Yeah. :'''Adam:''' Right, Ollie's our source on this, is he? Ollie Reeder? [[wikipedia:Deep_Throat_(Watergate)|Shallow Throat]]? Brilliant. :'''Angela:''' Yeah, I know you don't rate him. :'''Adam:''' You can say that again. Ollie Reeder is, to quote [[wikipedia:Bobby Kennedy|Robert F. Kennedy]], a complete fucking spazmaloid. Plus you know how Geoff Holhurst photographs: it looks like his body's in the foreground and his head is really really far away, he looks fucking weird. Just something solid, all right? Otherwise our front page is gonna be an interview with [[wikipedia:Janet_Street-Porter|Janet Street-Porter]] on why she hasn't been asked to be Prime Minister and a giant fucking Sudoku. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Downstairs at Number 10, Malcolm has an awkward run-in with Cliff Lawton.)'' :'''Cliff:''' Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' Elvis! Sorry, sorry. Cliff, Cliff. Where are you off to? :'''Cliff:''' I'm actually off to, uh, to see an old colleague, you know, from the old days, from, uh...before you asked me to resign. :'''Malcolm:''' Oh, lovely, lovely. Well, look, I'd love to stop and chat to you, but you know, I'd rather have Type 2 diabetes. :'''Cliff Lawton:''' Yes, fuck you, Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, Happy New Year. <hr width="50%"/> :''(As Malcolm enters his office, he finds, to his surprise -- or is it dismay? -- Geoff Holhurst. Geoff stands up to greet Malcolm.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Right. Hi, Geoff, don't stand. :'''Geoff:''' Oh. ''(Geoff sits back down)'' :'''Malcolm:''' No, no, I mean, "Don't stand against Tom." Now do you see what I did there? I was both being funny and also deadly serious. :'''Geoff:''' Yeah, now where did you hear that, Malcolm? I'm not standing. :'''Malcolm:''' Never mind where I heard it from. The thing is, Geoff... ''(Malcolm sits down in his chair)'' You're gonna waste everybody's time. :'''Geoff:''' I'm not standing, Malcolm. I'm just trying to start a debate, you know, a policy debate, about the future direction of the party and of the government. :'''Malcolm:''' Because first, you've got no credentials. I mean, you're so back bench you've actually fucking fallen off. You're out by the fucking bins where I put you. :'''Geoff:''' Hello? Are you listening to me? I'm not standing. :'''Malcolm:''' Secondly, I'm gonna tell the Mirror about all the drinking. :'''Geoff:''' ''(laughing)'' I'm not drinking. :'''Malcolm:''' And thirdly, I'm gonna tell the Mail about the affair. And fourthly, you've got a tiny head. :'''Geoff:''' ''(offended)'' No I haven't! :'''Malcolm:''' Yes you have. It's out of proportion, everybody mentions it. :'''Geoff:''' Look... :'''Malcolm:''' See? You're shaking it, and I can hardly see it move. Are you shaking it now? Are you shaking it now? I can't tell. :'''Geoff:''' I'm not standing, okay? My head is the right size, all right? :'''Malcolm:''' It is very petite. So you're not standing... :'''Geoff:''' No. :'''Malcolm:''' Right? You will not stand against Tom. :'''Geoff:''' I've said. I've bloody said. :'''Malcolm:''' Okay, thank you, Geoff. Let's go. Arriva-fucking-derci. ''(Geoff gets up from his chair, and he and Malcolm shake hands.)'' Let's have lunch sometime, yeah? We'll have a tete-a-tiny-tete. :'''Geoff:''' ''(leaving the office)'' Jesus... <hr width="50%"/> :''(And now, Nick Hanway, a government press relations officer, is entering his way into Malcolm's office.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(seeing Nick enter)'' Oh, Nice Nutter Nick! :'''Nick Hanway:''' What was all that about? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(standing up again)'' Just, you know, putting out a fire. :'''Nick:''' Definitely out? :'''Malcolm:''' Definitely out. Pissed out. Steam and cinders, pal. Does Tom know you're here? :'''Nick:''' Yeah, of course, yeah. :'''Malcolm:''' So how's the rebrand going? :'''Nick:''' Okay, we've, um, booked him for a photo op on Tuesday. He's taking the family to a Harvester. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(chuckling)'' Oh, Jesus Christ, really? :'''Nick:''' Yeah. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(jokingly as a reporter)'' "Have you been to a Harvester before, Prime Minister?" ''(and now as Tom)'' "No, in fact, I've never actually been outside the fucking house with my family before." :'''Nick:''' Anyway, um, look...do you know the name of the bod who's booked to go on ''Today'' in the morning? :'''Malcolm:''' Sure, yeah. Do ''you'' know? :'''Nick:''' Yeah, we just found out. So -- ''you'' know who it is? :'''Malcolm:''' Well, of course ''I'' know. I mean, there's nothing that you know that I don't know. I'm Dr. Fucking Know. :'''Nick:''' Who is it? :'''Malcolm:''' Is this, are you...Are you testing me now? Is it, 'cause I mean, I could test you. I mean, we could have a big match or testostethon. I mean, how do I know that you've got the fucking name, anyway? :'''Nick:''' Because Hugo at ''Today'' told us. :'''Malcolm:''' Right. :''(A bit of a pause...)'' :'''Nick:''' So what name have you got? :'''(Another hide-and-seek pause...)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Dan Miller. :'''Nick:''' Oh, okay, so you do know. :'''Malcolm:''' Of course I fucking do. :'''Nick:''' Look, um, Tom's announcing his team in the morning, and I've just got to stop Dan Miller announcing his team two hours before we announce ours, so...if you want to get on the bus, that's... :'''Malcolm:''' That is my mission? You, Mr. Nutty Bar, have given me a task? Jesus Christ, who the fuck does Tom think he is? :'''Nick:''' The next Prime Minister of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, Malcolm. :''(And with that cool, steely-eyed shot, Nick gets ready to leave Malcolm's office...but Malcolm isn't done with Nick yet.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Nick. ''(beat)'' Tell the mighty fucking Tom that his transition will be as smooth as a Brazilian's fuckh-- :''(But just before Malcolm can finish his comeback retort to Nick, Jamie enters the office from out of nowhere and interrupts the party.)'' :'''Jamie:''' ''(to Malcolm and Nick)'' Oh! [[wikipedia:Trinny_and_Susannah|Trinny ''and'' Susannah]]! Well I'm sorry to burst into your little fucking boutique, but you've got a fight on your hands. That's all I'm saying. I'm backing a rival candidate, ''(to Malcolm)'' so fuck you, ''(to Nick)'' and fuck you and your Nutter coronation 'cause it ain't happening. :'''Nick:''' So you're backing Dan Miller, are you? :'''Jamie:''' No, I'm not backing Dan Miller! Don't you fucking ever ask me a question again! :'''Malcolm:''' Fatty? :'''Jamie:''' Oh aye, Fatty, yeah, wee Spider-Man pyjamas, fucking idiot. From now on, it's a proper fight: it's a pub fight, [[wikipedia:Motherwell|Motherwell]] rules, and Tom is gonna get a pint glass in his fucking eye, and a pool cue up his arse, and another pool cue in his other fucking eye! :'''Malcolm:''' Geoff Holhurst. :'''Jamie:''' Oh, what, Mr Baby New Potato Head? Fuck off. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Jamie is backing Cliff Lawton for leadership. And now, Jamie and Cliff are traveling in a car, discussing strategy.)'' :'''Jamie:''' Are you a horse? :'''Cliff:''' ''(confused)'' Sorry? :'''Jamie:''' Are you a fucking horse? :'''Cliff:''' Um, I don't...I don't know what you mean. What? :'''Jamie:''' Are you a fucking horse? :'''Cliff:''' Okay, no, I'm not a horse. :'''Jamie:''' Are you sure? :'''Cliff:''' I'm sure. :'''Jamie:''' You've got a pretty fucking horsey face -- and a bit of a horsey wife. Are you a fucking horse? Are you? :'''Cliff:''' Okay, leaving the wife aside... :'''Jamie:''' Are you a horse? :'''Cliff:''' No... :'''Jamie:''' EXACTLY! :'''Cliff:''' I can categorically say that I am not a horse. :'''Jamie:''' Exactly, you are not a fucking horse. You are no horse, and you are not a [[wikipedia:Stalking horse|stalking horse]]. ''You'' are the real thing. :'''Cliff:''' ''(nodding in agreement)'' Oh, right. :'''Jamie:''' And we are going to ''ram'' you up Tom's are so hard that he has to shit out of his lying mouth. :'''Cliff:''' It's not a very nice image, really, is it? ''(beat)'' But it's very motivating. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Glenn:''' And then, Liam said that someone suggested that Tom should go on ''[[wikipedia:Strictly_Come_Dancing|Strictly Come Dancing]]''. :'''Ollie:''' He can barely even walk properly. He looks like he shat himself the whole time. :'''Glenn:''' He often has. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm''' ''(to Robyn)'': You are going to ''bury'' this Watford arseache tonight, OK? 'Cause tomorrow morning, from broadsheets to wank rags, I want page one, two and three to be a profile of Tom looking like a fucking political colossus, you know: Tom meeting the Pope, Tom in an NHS hospital chatting to little, baldie kiddies. I want pages four and five to be a timeline of the last few years in British politics with ''me'' at the centre, looking fucking indispensable, and fucking benign. And I want page six to be fucking – ''Israel'' or some bullshit, not a fucking DOSAC, DIPSHIT, LEGACY-DISTRACTING COCK-UP! :'''Robyn:''' Right, um, Jamie. Look, I just have to say at this point that I do find him just a little bit frightening. :'''Malcolm:''' Relax, he has never hit anyone. Or at least, anyone he has hit has never had the balls to take it to a superior. ''(Robyn still looks terrified)'' It's a fucking joke. It's a joke, OK? The man is a professional, you will be fine. :'''Glenn:''' Actually, Malcolm? We still have no word on Dan Miller. I mean, he's gone dark, he's not answering his phone – :'''Malcolm:''' Maybe he's in a hotel with his own huddle. Ring around, try and find him. :'''Glenn:''' What, ring every hotel in London and ask if Dan Miller's booked in? :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah! Although he could be using an assumed name. :'''Glenn:''' So you want me to ring round every hotel in London, and ask if anyone, of any name, has booked in? :'''Malcolm:''' Well it will keep you busy, you know, you need to keep the mind active at your age.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Jamie:''' OK, the line is: [[wikipedia:Wildcat_strike_action|wildcat walkout]], we'll be talking to the unions, it's too early to comment. Off the record: er, union Neanderthals with brains the size of children's bogies couldn't take the heat of Hugh Abbot's ring-stinging, shit-hot, public sector reforms, but he's flying back like Harrison Ford with a big whip in one hand and a skinny latte in the other and he's gonna whip six shades of shit out of them and save the world, OK? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' ''(on the phone to Jamie)'' There is a glacier of shit at DoSAC! I need you over here, with a fucking blowtorch, right now! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jamie:''' Nobody gives a shit if you got shafted by Malcolm. :'''Cliff:''' ''I'' will never, ever forgive him for what he did to me. :'''Jamie:''' Jesus, this isn't ''[[w:EastEnders|EastEnders]]!'' This is politics! We're all in the same plague pit, Cliff, there's no clean hands! :''(Jamie's cell phone rings)'' :'''Cliff:''' All right – :'''Jamie:''' ''(answering the phone)'' Yeah? :'''Malcolm:''' Jamie! What's that sort of droning noise in the background, then? :'''Cliff:''' Look, okay, here's a more positive approach, right, I'll try this. ''(reads from his speech)'' :'''Malcolm:''' It's a kind of boring, kind of low sort of droning, boring, kind of miserable whining, boring kind of, sort of boring noise going on? :'''Jamie:''' Yeah, well, you've got it wrong, yeah? :'''Malcolm:''' Cliff fucking Lawton. Hey, nice. Was the Cillit Bang guy not available? :'''Jamie:''' Fuck you. ''(hangs up)'' :'''Cliff:''' ... To put it simply, I'm back! :'''Jamie:''' Oh fuck off, Cliff. :'''Cliff:''' Sorry? :'''Jamie:''' Fuck off! You're a busted flush! You're not gonna be Prime Minister, you're not gonna be anything, so fuck off. :'''Cliff:''' This is your thing, isn't it? Everything has to be an absolute, everything has to be black and white! You know: 'I love you, fuck off!' There are lots of shades of grey, you know! :'''Jamie:''' Oh, I know that, I'm looking at fifteen of them right now. See you later, no-mark. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' You've got this bullshit Watford story covered, yeah? :'''Jamie:''' Yeah. :'''Malcolm:''' You and I will have a little discussion later. :'''Jamie:''' Yeah. I think Watford will get bumped by the fact that we're about to hand the nuclear codes to a guy who, every now and then, loses it so bad he needs satnav to find his own nipples. :'''Malcolm:''' What are you talking about? :'''Jamie:''' Well, I just thought it was fair to let everyone know about the Tom rumours, you know. How the guy that's about to become Prime Minister chugs antidepressants like they're fucking [[wikipedia:Smint|Smints]]. How the Black Dog humps his leg and shits in his duvet every four months; I ''think'' that will bump the Watford walkout. :'''Malcolm:''' You've gone fucking psycho son, fucking psycho! ''(leaves)'' TWAT!<hr width="50%"/> :'''Ollie:''' ''(answering his mobile)'' Hello. :'''Malcolm:''' Right, what's the plan? :'''Ollie:''' Well, they don't have a plan. :'''Malcolm:''' Okay, well perhaps you should give them one. :'''Ollie:''' Well, yes, fantastic, actually, Malc, because obviously I have a very suitable one tattooed on the underside of my scrotum, so why don't we use that – :'''Malcolm:''' Shut it, you're using up all the minutes on my 'talk till you get head cancer' tariff! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ben Swain:''' What do you think? :'''Nick Hanway:''' Hmm – To be honest, I was really hoping that was going to be shit, because I'm tired and I'd quite like to hit someone. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' Are you in on this? :'''Jamie:''' I'm not leaving it to you, eh? You couldn't organise a bum-rape in a barracks. :'''Malcolm:''' Au contraire.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Jamie:''' What we're having here is a secret conversation, and I'm hoping that this time you can keep the fucking secret, because normally you're about as secure as a hymen in a South London [[wikipedia:Comprehensive_school|comprehensive]]. :'''Terri:''' Yep, well done: that's offensive on a number of levels in a very concise way.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Angela Heaney:''' They've ditched Ballentine. :'''Adam Kenyon:''' What? Already? :'''Angela Heaney:''' Yeah. :'''Adam Kenyon:''' What the fuck is wrong with these people? I mean, what is this, potential leader speed dating? Right, who ''is'' standing? :'''Angela Heaney:''' I dunno. :'''Adam Kenyon''' ''(to another journalist working on a Ballentine story)'': Well, ditch that for a starter, get rid of her, I can't stand her fucking face. :'''Angela Heaney:''' You know, I think you should eat something. :'''Adam Kenyon:''' Oh right, yeah! Eat something, that'd be right, wouldn't it? You know what, our coverage so far has either been wrong or guesswork, which was wrong. So all we have now is a story-shaped hole! :'''Angela Heaney:''' Seriously, your blood sugar's low. :'''Adam Kenyon:''' Right. :'''Angela Heaney:''' Makes you very irritable. :'''Adam Kenyon:''' No, what makes me very irritable, Angela, is having ''no'' fucking stories and having to fill an entire newspaper with just fucking prepositions! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' And obviously if you do think about running with this pills story – :'''Adam Kenyon:''' Yeah. :'''Malcolm:''' I will personally fucking eviscerate you, right? :'''Adam Kenyon:''' Right. :'''Malcolm:''' And I mean, I don't have your education, I don't know what that means, but I will start by ripping your cock off and I'll busk it from there, okay? :'''Adam Kenyon:''' Good, thank you, again. :'''Malcolm:''' Talk to you later. :'''Adam Kenyon:''' Cheers. Bye bye now. ''(Hangs up. To Angela)'' He's a nice guy.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Jamie:''' ''(to Terri and Robyn)'' Oh hey, Desperate Housewives, have you found out who's leaking yet? :'''Glenn:''' I have. It's Julius! He's just told me – :'''Jamie:''' Wait, no, what – That – Julius? :'''Glenn:''' Yeah. :'''Jamie:''' ''Nicholson?'' That baldy PUSSY? Well, I tell you, if he thinks he's leaking now, wait to see him when I'm finished with him: he'll look like fucking [[wikipedia:The_Passion_of_the_Christ|Mel Gibson's Jesus]]! FUCK! FUCK, FUCK! FUCK!<hr width="50%" /> :'''Julius:''' Why don't I get something in? A man cannot live on Jaffa Cakes alone, obviously. I've tried.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Malcolm''' ''(to Ben)'': I'm just gonna go make some nuisance calls, I'll see you in about half a – Stop fucking blinking! Or I will take your optic nerve and strangle you with it. OK. You look after him, Ollie, OK? He's a very important man. Cock like a caber.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Adam Kenyon:''' What's the news, just – :'''Angela Heaney:''' What? :'''Adam Kenyon:''' Just tell me what the fucking news is and I'll put it on the front page. It's not like we're ''[[wikipedia:The_Independent|The Independent]]'', we can't just stick a headline saying 'Cruelty' and then stick a picture of a dolphin or a whale underneath it. I mean, that's just fucking cheating, that's rubbish. :'''Angela Heaney:''' Well, what I'm hearing is Ben Swain. :'''Adam Kenyon:''' Ben Swain? :'''Angela Heaney:''' Yeah. :'''Adam Kenyon:''' Right, I literally don't know who he is. I'm not being stupid or anything, but I physically don't know who Ben Swain is. He could be the leader of the Special Boat Squadron – :'''Angela Heaney:''' Service. :'''Adam Kenyon:''' The [[wikipedia:Special_Boat_Service|Special Boat Service]] or whatever it's fucking called, and this could be a massive coup. :'''Angela Heaney:''' Ben Swain is what I'm hearing. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' The good news, however, is that the – well, the Tom wobble, it's over. :'''Ben Swain:''' And so the – :'''Malcolm:''' That's great, isn't it? :'''Ben Swain:''' Yeah! Why is – So what, he's not wobbling, he's – What does that mean? :'''Malcolm:''' Well, it means that all the rats are now returning to a ''very'' buoyant ship and they're playing deck tennis, so that's lovely, isn't it? :'''Ben Swain:''' What does that mean for me, then? :'''Malcolm:''' I guess that means that you're standing in the chamber of the House of Commons with your big flaccid dick hanging out with a 'vote for me' sticker on the end. :'''Ben Swain:''' But you said I had a chance! About half an hour ago you said I was in with a shot! :'''Malcolm:''' Don't fucking gi– Look, half an hour ago you ''were'' in with a shot! This is half an hour hence! We've fucking time-travelled, yes? We're in a weird and wonderful world, where everything is different. Maybe outside, the polar ice caps have melted. Maybe there's fucking robots knocking about and [[wikipedia:Davina_McCall|Davina McCall]]'s the new Pope. Maybe, you can download ''rice!'' I want you right now to think about ''your'' future, okay? Think about what you are doing, get yourself back on the train to fucking Tomsville pronto, yeah? ''(walking out)'' Half an hour ago. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' What's that, cricket? That's the English equivalent of sport, isn't it? No actual physical contact, just glaring. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jamie:''' Nicholson! NICHOLSON! The immigration shit. It was you, wasn't it? You mimsy bastard Quisling leak ''fuck!'' :'''Julius:''' Sorry, what are you talking about? :'''Jamie:''' Yeah yeah yeah, you will be sorry, you inflatable cock. You fucking sold us out, didn't you? DENY IT! :'''Julius:''' Well, James, I can't deny something until I have the actual charge presented to me – :'''Jamie:''' ''(impersonating Julius)'' 'Oh oh oh, the actual charge.' ''(normal voice)'' You mean apart from the charge you're gonna get when I clamp jump leads to your baldy bollocks? Okay, okay, okay! You, Julius Nicholson, being of sound mind, but with a body that looks like a giant sex toy, did knowingly do us up the shithole, by passing confidential information to the enemy! And I am gonna have your guts as a skipping rope, and your lungs sun-dried and turned into a little fucking waistcoat! :'''Julius:''' James, technically it was not a leak, because firstly it's not confidential infor– :'''Malcolm:''' Eat that prawn. Eat that fucking prawn. :'''Julius:''' I'm not eating prawns, Malcolm, I'm on – I'm just telling you – :'''Malcolm:''' Eat that prawn. ''(throws a slice of pizza at Julius)'' Eat a bit of fucking pizza. :'''Julius:''' Don't be stupid. Malcolm – :'''Malcolm:''' Eat another prawn. ''(throws a prawn)'' :'''Julius:''' Stop it! :'''Malcolm:''' ''(throws more food)'' Have some fucking chow mein! :'''Julius:''' Malcolm – :'''Jamie:''' Here, stuff it in his fucking head! Stuff it in his big baby head! :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie, who has just returned with some cheese)'' Get that fucking cheese over there! :'''Jamie:''' EAT THE CHEESE! :'''Julius:''' I don't want the cheese, stop it! :'''Glenn:''' Go on, have some! :'''Jamie:''' ''(throwing food at Julius)'' EAT THE CHEESE! EAT THE FUC– :'''Julius:''' ''(being pelted by Malcolm and Ollie)'' This isn't funny, this is an expensive suit! James, just – :'''Jamie:''' Fuck! :'''Julius:''' What the ''fuck'' are you doing, mate? ''(runs out of the door)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Hey hey hey, right! :'''Jamie:''' EAT THE FUCKING CHEESE! ''(chasing after Julius)'' EAT THE CHEESE, NICHOLSON! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Glenn:''' Fucking ''hell!'' Fuck! Jesus. I'm not a joke, okay? All right? Hello? I am a man! I am a man, you know? You know?! This... THIS...! THIS IS MY LIFE! I'M A HUMAN BEING, AND ALL THIS IS MY LIFE! And it's collapsing in front of me! You know, Tom's lot, they're never gonna want me, are they? And fucking Hugh, now he – Jesus Christ, this is all...! ''I AM A MAN!'' And – :'''Terri:''' I know, listen – :'''Glenn:''' No you don't – :'''Terri:''' I do! :'''Glenn:''' I'm irrelevant! No no, go away, I'm irrelevant, I'm irrelevant, I'm irrelevant. :'''Terri:''' Glenn, Glenn, Glenn – :'''Glenn:''' FUCKING HUGH JUST WANTS TO SPEAK TO [[wikipedia:Teletubbies#Characters|TINKY WINKY]]?! WELL, ''FUCK'' TINKY WINKY! FUCK YOU, TINKY WINKY! [[Auf Wiedersehen, Pet|Auf Wiedersehen Pet]], the party's over, [[wikipedia:Goodbye_Yellow_Brick_Road|Goodbye Yellow Brick Road]]! WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT HITLER?! WELL, HE HAD A MOUSTACHE AND HE LIVED OVER THERE! FUCK US ALL! <hr width="50%" /> :'''Malcolm''' ''(receives an alert on his phone)'': Oh, I've been summoned to the breakfast meeting, to talk to Tom about this morning: some details about Claire Ballentine, maybe; Geoff Holhurst; young Benjamin here. :'''Nick Hanway:''' Fuck you very much, you unscrupulous bastard. :'''Malcolm:''' Scruples? Scruples, what are they? Is that those low-fat [[wikipedia:Kettle_Foods|Kettle Chips]]? OK people, wake up and smell the cock! Hey Ben, next time that you wanna stab Caesar, make sure you're not holding a fucking plastic spoon. <hr width="50%"/> :''(The Mail are revealing that Ben Swain was racist to a cleaner)'' :'''Glenn:''' I've been leaking for 27 years, I know how it's done, I leaked it! :'''Ollie:''' You don't leak! Well not from the mouth, anyway. :'''Malcolm:''' You fucking shut up. At least this is Hugh's Glenn. All that you are, mate, is fucking ''Ben's'' Glenn.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Ollie:''' ''Guardian Online'', right? :'''Glenn:''' Yes. :'''Ollie:''' I notice they got Tom to do the questionnaire. :'''Glenn:''' What, trying to make himself look more like a human being and less like a calculator with Aspergers? What does he say? :'''Ollie:''' 'When were you happiest?' 'At the birth of my son.' :'''Glenn:''' Bollocks, he wasn't even at the birth of his son. Actually no, he was in an all-night sitting of the Communications Bill, fast asleep. And his sister-in-law woke him with a text. :'''Ollie:''' 'What was the last CD you bought?' 'The Scissor Sisters'. ''(Glenn laughs.)'' And do we believe him? 'Which living person do you most admire?' :'''Glenn:''' Er, well that's tough. Nelson Mandela? :'''Ollie:''' Correct! I think you just press F5 for that one, to be absolutely honest with you. 'How do you relax?' 'Cannabis and wanking'? :'''Glenn:''' He hasn't. :'''Ollie:''' No of course he hasn't, you idiot, 'Listening to opera'. :'''Glenn:''' Oh, right. :'''Ollie:''' While wanking.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Nick Hanway:''' Why tonight of all ''fucking nights'', why tonight? :'''Malcolm Tucker:''' Oh well, that's easy: Tucker's Law. 'If some cunt ''can'' fuck something up, that cunt will pick the worst possible time to fucking fuck up because that cunt's a cunt.' I've got that embroidered on a tea towel at home. === Opposition Extra === :'''Emma Messinger:''' Peter, hi, it's Emma. Now listen, Stewart says this really ''is'' the strategy. :'''Peter Mannion:''' We're supposed to be the opposition, for Christ's sake. In the old days, we wouldn't have been weeping over his grave, we'd have been pissing on it. :'''Emma Messinger:''' If we start point-scoring now, we're just going to look like opportunist weasels. :'''Peter Mannion:''' Well, weasily done. :'''Emma Messinger:''' Sorry? :'''Peter Mannion:''' It's weasily done. :'''Phil Smith:''' It's a joke. :'''Emma Messinger:''' That was a joke? :'''Peter Mannion:''' Tell Stewart I'm not doing it. Tell him bollocks to it, tell him to fuck off. :'''Emma Messinger:''' Tell Stewart to f– Now, Peter, that's not really a very good idea, is it? He's not going to like it if you tell him to fuck off, is he? :'''Peter Mannion:''' Not actually. Yeah, not actually fuck off, just make an excuse, pretty it up, but when you do tell him, make sure that he knows, reading between the lines, that I told you to tell him to fuck off, but you're prettying it up.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Peter Mannion:''' I was supposed to be making an announcement this morning on the failures in the immigration system, making a big speech! :'''Adam Kenyon:''' Yeah, Peter, we were there; you know, I mean, you were giving your recipe for spag bol, and then [[wikipedia:Gordon_Ramsay|Gordon Ramsay]] walks in and takes us all out for peacock and chips.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Emma Messinger''' ''(arriving at Peter's house)'': Peter! Peter? Hi, it's Emma. ''(whispers)'' Oh sorry, you're on the phone, sorry. :'''Peter Mannion:''' Oh hi, Emma! I thought it was Kate Winslet, she generally pops round about now.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Stewart Pearson''' ''(on the phone)'': Peter, we need you to go on [[wikipedia:BBC_News_(TV_channel)|News 24]], like Phil asked, and to say nice things about the PM. :'''Peter Mannion:''' If I'm praising the PM, can I at least have a go at Tom and the Nutters? Can I at least subtly suggest they're waving in a man who pulls himself off by reading European tax law amendments? :'''Stewart Pearson:''' No way! No way, we do not slag off Tom, we want Tom in. Tom is our big fat, socially dysfunctional, swing-voter repellent, golden weirdo ticket. :'''Emma Messinger:''' Surely you can understand how this will work in our favour, Peter? I mean, they're going to elect a man who can count his friends on the fingers of, like, of my father's right hand! :'''Stewart Pearson:''' Dan Miller is thinking of standing, that's what I'm hearing. Yeah, oh sorry, just a minute, just a min– ''(to a colleague outside his office)'' Mark! Mark! When I say I want you to cc JB on everything to do with these interviews, I do mean everything, not just the things that ''you'' think are important. I'm an extraordinarily precise man, Mark, that's why my wife left me. ''(back on the phone)'' JB doesn't want Dan Miller, he's too young and he's too witty, whereas Tom looks 92 and he's about as funny as [[wikipedia:Norman_Wisdom|Norman Wisdom]]. We slag Tom off once he's elected, but not now, hm?<hr width="50%" /> :''(watching TV in their flat)'' :'''Emma Messinger:''' Phil, switch over, we haven't looked at News 24 for a bit. :'''Phil Smith:''' No, it would just be the Ten Glorious Years package in permanent orbit. Is it just me, or does [[wikipedia:Noel_Gallagher|Noel Gallagher]] getting older look like one of those Evolution of Man wall charts in reverse?<hr width="50%" /> :'''Ollie''' ''(answers his mobile)'': Morning. :'''Emma:''' Yeah, have you seen the ''Mail''? :'''Ollie:''' Erm, no I haven't, I'm under 40 and I have a penis, why? :'''Emma:''' They've got a big graphic on the night's winners and losers. Yeah, it's not a great picture of you. :'''Ollie:''' What? Me – What, I'm in it? :'''Emma:''' You look very very pasty and about nine, so – :'''Ollie:''' Am I a winner or a loser? :'''Emma:''' You are a loser! :'''Ollie:''' I'm a loser? For fuck's sake – ''(Emma is listening to the radio)'' God, is that Ben on ''[[wikipedia:Today_(BBC_Radio_4)|Today]]'' in the background? You can even hear him blinking on the radio. This is absolute bollocks, I'm not supposed to be in the paper, Em, I'm just, you know – It's not me who's supposed to be in the paper, is it? It's fucking ridiculous. :'''Emma:''' Oh come on, it's only the ''Mail'', don't worry about it. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, yeah, I know it's the ''Daily Mail'', but you know – my mum gets the ''Mail''. == Series 3, Episode 1 == :''(It's Cabinet Reshuffle Day in the British Government, and Malcolm Tucker has got his finger on the trigger.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Ed! Get Tom Rudd in. Now. We're offering him Northern Ireland, the lucky sod. :'''Ed:''' I think he's expecting to be offered Transport. :'''Malcolm:''' Well, tell him he's taking the bus to George Best airport, right? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' ''(on his cell phone)'' He’s making Paul Remington a Cabinet Minister. Remtard Remington. I mean the guy is an epic fuck-up. He’s so dense that light bends around him. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm''': Come on people, let’s get going here! I’ve got a to-do list that’s longer than a fucking [[w:Leonard Cohen|Leonard Cohen]] song! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Meanwhile, Ollie Reeder and Terri Coverley are discussing the Cabinet reshuffle at DoSAC.)'' :'''Ollie:''' ''(looking at his computer)'' Remtard at Energy and Climate Change. :'''Terri:''' Really? I'm not getting that. ''(Terri looks at her computer.)'' It's not on here. How did you get that about Remington? :'''Ollie:''' ''(slightly annoyed)'' Refresh the page. :'''Terri:''' Yeah. Ah, yeah. Oh look, Fatty's staying put! They're not moving Fatty! :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, well, that's 'cause they haven’t got five big blokes and a winch. :'''Terri:''' They couldn't really demote Fatty, 'cause he knows too much. :'''Ollie:''' Well he doesn't know where the [[w:Ryvita|Ryvita]] is kept, does he? <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm is on the phone once more, talking to a colleague about how busy he is.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' I've got this -- this-this reshuffle going on, the Leamington Spa by-election coming up, I've got more on my plate than a spinster at a wedding. That wasn't a reference to your daughter by the way, Andrew. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Hugh Abbot has lost his place in the reshuffle.)'' :'''Glenn:''' Well. That's Hugh gone, then. :'''Terri:''' It's so sad, isn't it? Hugh. :'''Glenn:''' Yeah. :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Terri)'' You don't give a ''shit''! :''(beat)'' :'''Terri:''' ...No, well, perhaps I don't. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ollie:''' Northern Ireland office, Tom Rudd. Who's Tom Rudd? Tom Rudd? :'''Terri:''' Isn't he in ''Harry Potter''? :'''Glenn:''' Tom Rudd is army slang for standing-up buggery. :'''Ollie:''' Right. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' ''(calling out to Doug Hayes)'' Doug! Doug! Dougie! Look at you, cock like [[wikipedia:Pink_Panther_(character)|the Pink Panther's]] tail. Come have a Kit Kat. :'''Doug Hayes:''' I'm afraid I turned it down, Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' Do you know ninety percent of household dust is made of dead human skin? That's what you are. To me. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm is back on the phone with Andrew -- AND, of course, Malcolm accidentally insults Andrew's daughter.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Doug Hayes is a massive abortion. Again, not a reference to your daughter. We need somebody to plug this DoSAC hole. Anybody. A fucking mammal with a head. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Terri:''' ''(to Glenn and Ollie)'' Have you two finished emptying your desks yet? :'''Glenn:''' ''(agitated)'' Yes, don't worry, Terri, we're all ready to go. :'''Terri:''' I'm just trying to get everything organised for whenever whoever arrives. They are gonna have their own people. It's gonna be very embarrassing if your hand cream's still in the drawer. :'''Glenn:''' ''Hand cream?'' :'''Terri:''' Yeah, well, whatever men have. I don't know, electric nose-hair trimmers, Ex-Lax... :'''Ollie:''' ''(mocking Glenn)'' Aww, look at Glenn. Your face...On the scrapheap at the tender age of 76? It's no life for you, is it, Glenn, this? Hey, do you want me to call Dignitas? ''(beat)'' I could call Indignitas. They could come round and shove you out of the window dressed as a clown. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' ''(on his phone again)'' Get me, um, Nicola Murray. Yeah. If she says "no", well, I don't know, the only other candidate is my left bollock with a fucking smiley face drawn on it. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Terri announces and introduces the new head of the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship.)'' :'''Terri:''' Ladies and gentlemen, may I introduce the new Secretary of State for the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship, Nicola Murray. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Nicola Murray is the new head of the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship -- DoSAC, for short. As she heads into her new office, she gets a cell phone call from her husband, James.)'' :'''Nicola Murray:''' ''(on the phone to her husband.)'' Um...Yes, I know. They just -- they frog-marched me into it. ''(beat)'' I didn't know. I had no idea. ''(beat)'' James, be fair! I did -- I-I left seven fucking messages for you. Your secretary or whoever is useless. I don't think the school thing's gonna be a problem. It's not gonna be a problem 'cause they'll have vetted me at Number 10. And obviously nobody has soiled themselves or shot me. Great, well, I'll take your warm congratulations as implied. ''(Nicola hangs up her phone.)'' Fucking arsehole. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Terri checks to see if Nicola's alright.)'' :'''Terri:''' You all right? :'''Nicola:''' Yes, it's all a bit crazy. No, it just feels like my head's made entirely of smoke alarms. ''(laughing)'' At the moment, it's all a bit ''OOH...'' ''(Nicola mimes an explosion.)'' :'''Terri:''' Yes, well, it was a bit of a shock for us all, you know. :'''Nicola:''' I'm sure. :'''Terri:''' In a good way, in a good way. :'''Nicola:''' Good. :'''Terri:''' Well, like twins or a tax rebate. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Nicola calls both Glenn and Ollie into her office to discuss her policy as the new head of DoSAC.)'' :'''Nicola:''' My primary focus is social mobility, that's very much my -- my Big Thing. :'''Ollie:''' Right. :'''Nicola:''' And I suppose I'm telling you that, really, partly to get your take on it and also so that you can, you know, start spreading the news and printing the posters and, uh, you know, fire up the turbo chargers, set the phases to equality: It's Murray time! :'''Glenn:''' The thing is – and Ollie, please correct me here if I'm wrong. :'''Ollie:''' I will certainly do that. :'''Glenn:''' Social mobility, making people richer, costs money. :'''Ollie:''' Yes, and we don't have any of that, really. :'''Nicola:''' Right. :'''Ollie:''' I mean, if you speak to Nick at the Treasury he will tell you the same, only with his annoying lisp. :'''Nicola:''' What you're telling me is that basically I'm gonna be a woman with a computer and some pens. :'''Ollie:''' Well, it's just a pen budget. :'''Nicola:''' I mean, I have about as much ''real'' power as [[wikipedia:The_Apprentice_(UK_TV_series)#The_Board|those twats who sit either side]] of [[Alan Sugar]]. :'''Ollie:''' Well – Yes. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Glenn and Ollie are in Nicola's office, trying to give her tips on how to deal with Malcolm. But before they can do so...Malcolm walks in.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(entering the office)'' Is this the No. 1 Ladies' Detective Agency? :'''Nicola:''' Malcolm Tucker! The real deal. Hello. :''(Malcolm and Nicola shake hands.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola, smiling)'' The real deal. Good to see you. You're looking great! ''(to Glenn and Ollie)'' All right, Hinge and Bracket, time to go and hang up your lady-cocks. :''(Glenn and Ollie leave, and Malcolm continues his conversation with Nicola.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Nicola Murray! Here you are, Secretary of State for the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship. :'''Nicola:''' Yep, I now have one of the longest job titles in Western politics. Thank God I don't have to wear a lapel badge. :'''Malcolm:''' It's a pity that we couldn't just make an abbreviation of it, you know, like PFI. Which I think stands for Pretty Fucking Imbarrassing. If you're a bit sloppy about the details, which clearly your fucking husband is. :'''Nicola:''' Okay, look, James works for Albany, fine. He wasn't even working there when the contract was awarded. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(smiling)'' Don't worry, don't worry. That was just me, that was... :'''Nicola:''' ''(getting the joke)'' Okay, right. Fine. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(serious again)'' I mean, that's the sort of thing the press will throw at you. I mean, you step out of line, they'll be all over you like a pigeon on a chip, you know? Is that your chair? :'''Nicola:''' Oh God, yeah. It's cool, isn't it? It's got, um, lumbar support. :'''Malcolm:''' Bin it. People don't like their politicians to be comfortable. They don't like you having expenses. They don't like you being paid. They'd rather you lived in a fucking cave. :'''Nicola:''' Ok, fine. So, uh, what should I be sitting on? Should I just get an upturned KFC bucket? :'''Malcolm:''' A fucking normal chair, right? Not a fucking massive vibrating throne. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Glenn, Ollie and Terri are watching Malcolm's conversation with Nicola outside the office...wondering if Nicola will keep any of them on.)'' :'''Glenn:''' Malcolm must be hating this. All these bright, fresh, new ministers to blood in ''and'' to plan a by-election. :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' If it's any consolation to you, a little bit of you will always be in this department, because she's nabbed your chair. Hasn't she? She's got your chair, and, in fact, your dandruff. :'''Glenn:''' Ha ha ha. If I go, that chair is coming with me. :'''Ollie:''' You know those old men you see who go to the park to read the paper? That'll be you. You could go in your chair. They'd make you King of All the Tramps. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Meanwhile, in Nicola's office...)'' :'''Malcolm:''' So, uh, you got three kids, yeah? :'''Nicola:''' Uh, I've got four. :'''Malcolm:''' Four! :'''Nicola:''' Yeah. Katie's 16, she's the eldest. She's just left school. :'''Malcolm:''' Not going to a college or university? :'''Nicola:''' Um, she's a bit of a rebel. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(concerned)'' What sort of a rebel? I mean, so, I mean, look, what are we talking here? Are we talking a pierced navel or holidays at Pakistani training camp? :'''Nicola:''' It's-it's chiefly heroin. ''(beat)'' Although she has cut down since getting pregnant by that Nigerian people-smuggler, because the track marks would have affected her porn career. :''(Terri has awkwardly entered the office. She politely apologizes for the interruption, but feels...a little awkward about the conversation taking place.)'' :'''Terri:''' I'm sorry to disturb. Um... ''(to Malcolm)'' Morning, Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' Morning, Terri. :'''Terri:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Just wanted to give you a few things here. That's change from the fruit salad. This is this morning's paper. Do excuse me. :''(Terri politely leaves the office...and Nicola resumes her chat with Malcolm.)'' :'''Nicola:''' Um, I'm surprised that you, uh, haven't vetted me, I thought you'd know about the kids. :'''Malcolm:''' It's just that 'cause you were just a sort of, you were a bit of a late-ish kind of appointment. :'''Nicola:''' Mmm. :'''Malcolm:''' That didn't quite give me the time to, you know, to "fuck the I'd and fist the T's," as Robert Robertson might say. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Sounds to me like that she's only bringing in, um, one other person, so...you know, I wonder whether she might keep one of us on permanently. :'''Terri:''' Thank God I'm safe. :'''Glenn:''' ''(annoyed)'' Je- We ''know'' you're safe, Terri! How do we know you're safe? We know your safe, because you keep using the word "safe," like bloody [[wikipedia:Jim_Bowen|Jim Bowen]]! :'''Ollie:''' ''(imitating Jim Bowen presenting [[wikipedia:Bullseye_(British_game_show)|Bullseye)]]'' Yeah, you've got DoSAC, that's safe. Do you want to go for the treasury, young lady? <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm and Nicola are now discussing her kids...including Nicola's 11-year-old daughter, who is starting secondary school in September.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Okay. Mrs. Walton. What about these other kids? What-what ages are they? :'''Nicola:''' They're 11, 9 and 5. :'''Malcolm:''' 11? :'''Nicola:''' Mmm-hmm. :'''Malcolm:''' So that's, uh, secondary school? :'''Nicola:''' No, she's, uh, still at primary, state primary. Lovely little school with, um, terrible SATS results, but, you know, really good kind of broad demographic and steel band. :'''Malcolm:''' So, she will be going to a secondary school, what, in September? :'''Nicola:''' Yeah, yeah. So, um...I-I can see where this is going. Um, it's not an issue. :'''Malcolm:''' Great! If it's not an issue, I'll just fucking toddle off, then. I'll go and have a nice relaxing wee sleep under my duvet. Probably won't even have to tug myself off, 'cause I'm so fucking relaxed about that. 'Cause I know that there is no fucking issue here. Right? :'''Nicola:''' She's not going to the comprehensive, Malcolm. She's going to a local independent school. :'''Malcolm:''' Jesus H fucking ''Corbett.'' Do you honestly think, do you honestly believe that as a minister you can get away with that? You are saying that, uh, that, that all your local state schools, ''all'' the schools that this government has drastically improved are knife-addled rape sheds, and that's not a big story? For fuck's sake. Sort it or abort it! :'''Nicola:''' Let's get this clear: My family is off limits, all right? This job is not gonna get anywhere near my husband and my kids, it just doesn't. :'''Malcolm:''' Of course it fucking does. As per the wee barcode and the serial number under your right armpit, you are now built and owned by the state, and you are under the spotlight 24 hours a day, darling! ''(beat)'' Do you know what you are? You're a fucking human dartboard, and [[wikipedia:Eric_Bristow|Eric fucking Bristow]]'s on the [[wikipedia:Oche|oche]] flinging a million darts made of human shit right at you. Can you take that? Can you? :'''Nicola:''' Okay, look. You, the "All-Swearing Eye." You didn't even know how many kids I had! You had to ask me! So who on Earth in the press is gonna even know or care? :'''Malcolm:''' Do you remember ''[[wikipedia:The Big Breakfast|The Big Breakfast]]''? Remember that programme? :'''Nicola:''' ''(exasperated)'' Yes! :'''Malcolm:''' You remember how [[wikipedia:Chris Evans (presenter)|Chris Evans]] started that? Do you remember it was a big success? And then they had that guy, [[wikipedia:Johnny Vaughan|Johnny Vaughan]], remember him? :'''Nicola:''' Uh-huh. :'''Malcolm:''' Everybody loved him. Fuck knows why, but they loved him. Do you know what this is here? This here is fucking Series 10 of ''The Big Breakfast.'' And do you know what you are? You're the fucking dinner lady that they have asked to come and present the show. The reason I didn't know about you and your children is 'cause you were so low down on the list of candidates for this job, I didn't even have the chance to look into you. ''(beat)'' So low. ''(beat)'' Wayyyyy way way way way way way way wayyy...low. :''(A brief pause...and then Malcolm starts up again.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' You are now being scrutinised for what you wear, what you say. For your hair, your shoes, your fucking earrings, your fucking cleavage ''and'' your dress, which, by the way, is ''way'' too loud! :'''Nicola:''' TOO LOUD?! :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, I'm getting fucking tinnitus here! Look. ''(beat)'' Your crooked husband, I can make go away. But your crooked husband combined with you being worried about your underage daughter coming home up the duff from some truanting bastard, I cannot. She goes to the comp, okay? :''(Malcolm finally leaves Nicola's office, allowing Nicola to recover from the Terrible Tucker Tornado.)'' :'''Nicola:''' ''(relieved)'' Oooh, God... <hr width="50%"/> :''(At Number 10, Malcolm sees Ed walking down the hall, all stressed out.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Hey, what's wrong with you? You look like you've shat a Lego garage or something. :'''Ed:''' Jim Lane's daughter is standing as an independent in Leamington Spa. :''(Malcolm and Ed start walking...)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(silently, to himself)'' For fuck's sake...fuck. ''(to Ed)'' This is gonna split our vote. :'''Ed:''' Do you think we're in trouble? Maybe we should have chosen her over Liam Bentley. :'''Malcolm:''' No. She thinks just because her dead fat-arse dad was the MP that gives her the right to be our candidate? No no no. This isn't Czarist Russia. It's not the fucking Dimblebys. :'''Ed:''' What do we do? :'''Malcolm:''' We send everyone up there, to support Liam Bentley, including the Prime Minister. :'''Ed:''' You want to send Tom up there? :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, fuck it, he'll be all right as long as he doesn't do the smile. You hit the phones, right? I'll be with you in two shakes of a crying baby. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' You have been asked by the PM, specifically, to pop along to Leamington, and do some photo ops with Liam Bentley, supporting him, yeah? :'''Nicola:''' I don't really have any choice, do I? :'''Malcolm:''' Of course you have a choice. You can decide exactly how you say yes. You can do it with a voice. Have fun with it. :'''Nicola:''' ''(Pause)'' Yes. ''(Beat)'' In my own voice. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' ''(on the phone)'' Well you know what, Howard, she's not bent, either in the sense of being corrupt or being gay. And by the way, that's an incredibly homophobic headline, you massive poof. ''(enters Nicola's office)'' You've got egg on your face, Howard, you over-easy pissbag. ''(hangs up. To Terri, Ollie and Glenn)'' Oh hey, [[Yoko Ono]] and the two remaining Beatles, piss off. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Nicola suspects that Malcolm set up the 'I am bent' photos)'' :'''Nicola:''' Malcolm. Sorry, can we just carry on talking about that thing? Was it you who positioned me there? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(waiting for a lift)'' Do you know what the first sign of madness is? Paranoia. Have you seen that film, you know, ''[[A Beautiful Mind (film)|A Beautiful Mind]]'', the one with that, er, [[Russell Crowe]]? The one where [[wikipedia:John_Forbes_Nash_Jr.|the maths guy]] thinks that the CIA are working away in his shed at the bottom of his garden? That's you. :'''Nicola:''' No. I'm not the mad one here. ''You'' are the mad one, you're Russell Crowe. :'''Malcolm:''' No, no, no, ''you'' are Russell Crowe. ''(waves patronisingly at her)'' And you need to fucking listen to me, Russell, you fucking Antipodean fucking kangaroo-loving fruitcake! See this poster stuff? That's fucking small fry. That's fucking whitebait, Russ me old [[wiktionary:cobber#English|cobber]]. ''(enters the lift)'' The really horrible stuff, that's all still about to happen to you, right? Right, you're coming in here so we can carry this on? :'''Nicola:''' What, now? :'''Malcolm:''' Err, if you can spare the time! :'''Nicola:''' Err, no. ''(Pause)'' No, I can't – I don't use lifts, I'm claustrophobic. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(incredulous)'' You're ''what?'' :'''Nicola:''' Not hugely, I can be in rooms, you've seen that, I just don't do lifts, that's all. :'''Malcolm:''' But this lift is – I mean, it's fucking huge! I mean, this is bigger than some rooms, this is bigger than some people's flats! :'''Nicola:''' It's about not being able to get out. :'''Malcolm:''' Oh, well that's great. That's fucking great, that's another fucking thing, right there: not only have you got a fucking bent husband and a fucking daughter that gets taken to school in a fucking sedan chair, you're also fucking ''mental!'' Jesus Christ, see you, you are a fucking ''[[w:omnishambles|omnishambles]]'', that's what you are. You're like that coffee machine, you know: "from bean to cup, you fuck up". :'''Nicola:''' ''(to herself, returning to her office)'' He so is Russell Crowe! :'''Terri:''' ''(at her desk, overhearing)'' Who? <hr width="50%"/> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Where the fuck is Doug Hayes? :'''Ed:''' Yes, we put in a lot of calls. :'''Malcolm:''' Well, put it a lot more calls: I'm talking 'psycho ex-girlfriend with a really good tariff'. <hr width="50%"/> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Glenn:''' Because if you are worried about Malcolm, well, you know, Ollie and I have amassed one or two tips, how to deal with him, over the years. It's pretty much common sense, really: don't drive a gas guzzler, don't sign up for [[wikipedia:Bupa|Bupa]], don't have an affair. Don't tell racist jokes, however ironic. :'''Nicola:''' Oh! :'''Glenn:''' Don't send your children to independent schools. :'''Ollie:''' Don't dig up [[Diana, Princess of Wales|Diana]] and have [[Patrick Moore]] play Nazi drinking songs on her ribs.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Ollie:''' Yeah I suppose so, he's gonna have to let her go free-range for a week, isn't he? Till after the by-election. Then he can snap her beak off, cram her into the battery cage; Nicola: 'I'm not really good with cages', ''(impersonates Malcolm)'' 'Get in there Nicola, fucking get in till you're perfectly square, and you're shiteing cuboid eggs!' :'''Terri:''' ''(sighing)'' Thank God I'm safe. I'm glued to this department and you'd have to steam me off. :'''Glenn:''' Yeah. Well you don't have to worry about me: You don't hang around in this business as long as I have without picking up contacts. :'''Ollie:''' Yes, but [[Benjamin Disraeli|Disraeli]]'s dead, Glenn, he died in the Crimea, did you not hear the town crier announce it?<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Malcolm:''' It's never too soon to go to Leamington. It's the Venice of the Midlands, if Venice was fucking horrible. :'''Malcolm:''' Have a lovely time in Leamington, yeah? I hear it's got the best [[wikipedia:Lidl|Lidl]] in the West Midlands.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Nicola:''' ''(at the poster launch in Leamington)'' And we need to be investing, er, at least – :'''Glenn:''' Invest? Did I hear her say 'invest'? :'''Terri:''' ''(on the phone)'' Ollie, she's gone off-piste, she's off the mountain now. :'''Glenn:''' Oh, Jesus. She's so far off the mountain, she's being finger-banged in a chalet by Bigfoot. == Series 3, Episode 2 == :''(Malcolm and Nicola are talking about a newspaper story calling for Nicola to be "sacked.")'' :'''Nicola:''' You've seen the sack race thing, I suppose. Yeah, there it is. :''(Malcolm, of course, thinks the story is funny.)'' :'''Nicola:''' It's not funny! It's not even accurate, because technically I was fourth. So, really, they should have said, "Fourth in the Sack race." I think we should complain to the PCC. :'''Malcolm:''' Look, stop worrying: the PM is not going to sack you after a week. Sacked after twelve months, looks like you've fucked up; sacked after a week, looks like ''he's'' fucked up. :'''Nicola:''' I'm not doing ''terribly'', am I? :''(beat)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(looking out of the car window)'' I love the way that they've sandblasted everything around here. It's so ''clean''! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nicola:''' I'd just like people to get to know the real me. You know, I feel like I'm coming across as a bit...Oh, I don't know. Glum. :'''Malcolm:''' Smug. :'''Nicola:''' Smug? :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, you're coming across as more smug than glum. :'''Nicola:''' 'Cause I am actually quite a fun person, underneath all of this. I've got loads of friends. :'''Malcolm:''' Well, I'm sure you have, but the trouble is when you say something like that, it sounds a wee bit smug. ''(to Nicola's driver)'' Can you just pull in over here? And you can take out that cyclist as you go in, I think he's [[wikipedia:Shadow_Cabinet|Shadow Cabinet]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Nicola)'' I have here the minutes which are a record and – :'''Ollie:''' No no no, you can't just overwrite minutes! You specifically can't do it, 'cause you can't unlock a PDF file. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Robyn:''' Do you know, Malcolm? ''(Malcolm stares back, gravely)'' Er, the best way to clear a paper jam? :'''Malcolm:''' I don't know. Kill a kid an hour until it sorts itself out? <hr width="50%" /> :''(Nicola is trying to talk to Malcolm...)'' :'''Nicola:''' So. Malcolm -- :'''Malcolm:''' Oh, oh, oh. Incoming body parts. Excuse me. (Malcolm answers his cell phone) Look, if this has got any bigger, you're gonna feel the thump of a fucking harpoon in your thorax. :'''Nicola:''' ''(to Robyn)'' Does he know? Well, follow him. :'''Malcolm:''' (still on his phone) I hope you like shitting toenails, because that's what you're gonna be doing all of next week. And don't worry, I've painted them yellow so they'll look like fucking sweet corn. :''(Robyn is trying to secretly follow Malcolm, but backs away when she sees him coming her way)'' :'''Malcolm:''' (on his phone) The guy's a fucking liability! (softly) Jesus Christ. Listen, I want... :''(Robin makes her way back towards the others, and they have to whisper so Malcolm doesn't hear them talking.)'' :'''Robyn:''' Look, I couldn't hear everything, he takes very long strides... :'''Ollie:''' What, are you a fucking penguin? Just run. :'''Robyn:''' Look, I'm a civil servant, not a fucking Olympic athlete! :''(Malcolm seems to be off his cell phone...)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Right. What's occurring, Hermann Goring? :''(But then his cell phone rings. Again.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' (annoyed) ''WHAT?'' (And then...Malcolm doesn't like what he hears...) You're fucking kidding me. Excuse me. ''(to Nicola and the team)'' Two minutes and I will be back. <hr width="50%"/> :''(On Nicola's orders, Robyn starts following Malcolm again. She's soon approached by Glenn.) :'''Glenn:''' Hi, Robyn! Hey, look. Um...You know Phil Davis? Is he a Davies or a Davis? :'''Robyn:''' I know you don't like me, Glenn, but you're not sacking me. :'''Glenn:''' What? :''(Both Glenn and Robyn are smiling and laughing at each other falsely throughout their conversation...)'' :'''Glenn:''' (still laughing) I'm protecting you. :'''Robyn:''' Okay, well, you know, I've got your back as well. Even though I know you are the guy who authorized the wiping of the back-up. :'''Glenn:''' Well, that may or may not be true. :'''Robyn:''' Well, it is true. :'''Glenn:''' Well, it may or it may not be true. :'''Robyn:''' Well, that is true. <hr width="50%"/> :''(After spending a long time on his cell phone, Malcolm finally makes his way back to Nicola's office to see her and the staff. This time, he's making his entrance by jokingly pretending to be the Big Bad Wolf.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' (in a gruff voice) ''Little pigs...Little PIGS...Let me come in. Don't worry about the hair on your chinny-chin-chin.'' (Malcolm's still smiling.) :'''Nicola:''' So what was your call? :'''Malcolm:''' What was my call? :'''Glenn:''' Did you... :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' You want to know what my call was? :'''Nicola:''' Was it important? :'''Malcolm:''' I'm sorry, I didn't realize that I had to run my calls through your bed-wetters' switchboard here. I usually just dial 1-1-Hate. :'''Nicola:''' Malcolm, do you know? :'''Ollie:''' Obviously, he knows. :'''Glenn:''' No, he ''doesn't'' know. :''(Nicola decides to come clean to Malcolm.)'' :'''Nicola:''' There has been a massive irretrievable data loss. The last seven months' worth of new immigrant details have gone, apparently lost in the computer. :''(Malcolm can't help but smile and chuckle with disbelief...)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Do you know what, you know what's really fucking sad here is that I don't even have the energy to pretend I already knew. Which is for the best, because I'm gonna need all of my fucking energy to fucking rip all of your bodies to bits with my bare hands and sell off, ''(sees Nicola gesture to herself)'' yeah, sell off your fucking flayed skin, as a ''sleeping bag! To a fucking normal person!'' :'''Nicola:''' Can I just say that getting angry actually isn't gonna help anything. I've done anger, I'm currently at grief, I'm working my way towards, er, bargaining, whatever, you know – you're behind me. :'''Malcolm:''' So what is your great strategy for dealing with this? Come on: I mean, I'm fucking all ears, I'm fucking [[Andrew Marr]] here! :'''Nicola:''' So let's – Terri, let's hear what you – :'''Malcolm:''' Let's go, let's get going, high-level tactical discussion, I'm up for it! :'''Terri:''' Right, er, blaming the department minister might be a high-risk strategy. :'''Malcolm:''' Oh, high-risk: saucy! Power serve! :'''Nicola:''' My pitch would be: this department is fatally flawed, it's out of condition, it's obese, it's asthmatic. :'''Malcolm:''' That's it girl, back over the net. :'''Glenn:''' You need to be really sure about that, Nicola. :'''Malcolm:''' Yes, wise words from the distinguished elderly gay fucking tennis coach here. :'''Ollie:''' Seriously, I think we should talk about my strategy further because I really think that that's the way. :'''Malcolm''' ''(interrupting)'': Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, the fucking wee ball boy's having a go now with his wee fucking tight shorts on! ''(to Robyn, who has returned with a tray of drinks)'' What about [[wikipedia:Sue_Barker|Sue Barker]]'s little sister here? What's she got to say? You got something to say, to add to the conversation? :'''Robyn:''' No, er, just that there was no lemon zinger so, um, ''(to Nicola)'' this is coffee, is that all right? :'''Malcolm:''' Do ''The Guardian'' know about this? :'''Nicola:''' Oh fuck, I don't – Fucking ''Guardian'', I don't know. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, as it's referred to in my department. :'''Terri:''' Should I find out? Get some feelers? :'''Malcolm''' ''(looking at Terri's breasts)'': Yeah go on, get your feelers out for the lads. :'''Nicola:''' What do you think, Malcolm? Shitting on the department, will that work? :'''Malcolm:''' Yes, let's cause a little bit of friction. Let's fire someone. What about Glenn? :'''Ollie:''' No, you can't just fire Glenn like that! :'''Nicola:''' We could fire Glenn. :'''Terri:''' Shall I get his file? :'''Glenn:''' No! I've got a list! :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' See, there you are, he's got a list. :''(They're all leaving Nicola's office)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' You're a new broom, you're sweeping up trouble with one end, broom-handling incompetent staff up the tunnel with the other. :'''Nicola:''' So, Malcolm, how do we play it at ''The Guardian?'' :'''Malcolm:''' (smiling uncomfortably) Smile! Be gay! Smile, smile, smile! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm''' ''(arriving at Nicola's'' Guardian ''lunch)'': Afternoon, ladies! I heard there were sandwiches and I'm a fucker for cress – No no no, please don't get up, I'm not [[wikipedia:Sildenafil|Viagra]]. Geoffrey. ''(shakes hands)'' :'''Geoffrey:''' Always a pleasure. :'''Malcolm:''' Good to see you. John, how are you doing? ''(John gets up to shake hands)'' I just want to tell you, I really enjoyed your novel. :'''John:''' Oh, thank you very much! :'''Malcolm:''' Way of writing a fucking awful story. Joking, joking!<hr width="50%" /> :''(Nicola has accidentally revealed the data loss to an on-the-record journalist.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' FUCK'S SAKE! Jesus – Christ! Well, now we've got another fucking adjective to add to fucking 'smug' and 'glum', haven't we?! Fucking 'RETARDED'! JESUS Ch– Do you not think it would be germane to ''check'' who you're talking to?! IT'S A FUCKING NEWSPAPER OFFICE! IT'S NOT A FUCKING SANATORIUM FOR THE FUCKING DEAF, IS IT?! ARE YOU ''SO'' DENSE?! Am I gonna have to run around, slapping badges on people, with a big tick on some and a big cross on others, so you know ''when'' to shut your gob and when to open it?! Jesus Christ! Oh, but that'll probably confuse you as well, won't it?! That'll be too confusing! You'd see the cross and go "Oh, fuck! X marks the spot! Better tell this little person all about the Prime Minister's fucking CATASTROPHIC ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION!" Oh, but not to worry, not to worry, you've sent fucking Ollie over there to deal with it. ''(Nicola tries to speak)'' FUCKING OLLIE! HE'S A FUCKING- HE'S A FUCKING KNITTED SCARF, THAT TWAT, HE'S A FUCKING BALACLAVA! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nicola:''' It just seems to me that all we'd be losing if we got rid of Robyn is somebody who makes a weak cup of tea, you know, I don't think we've – ''(mobile rings)'' Shit, Malcolm. ''(answers)'' Hello? :'''Malcolm''' ''(in his office)'': Get over here, now. Might be advisable to wear brown trousers, and a shirt the colour of blood. ''(hangs up)'' :'''Nicola:''' Fuck. :'''Glenn:''' Has he run off? He does that. :'''Nicola:''' Yeah, it's all just gone really [[wikipedia:HBO|HBO]].<hr width="50%" /> :''(Nicola and Terri sit down in Malcolm's office.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' I just wanted to say to you, by way of introductory remarks, that I'm ''extremely'' miffed about today's events and, in my quest to try and make you understand the level of my, um, unhappiness, I'm likely to use an awful lot of what we would call ''violent sexual imagery'', and I just wanted to check that neither of you would be terribly offended by that. :'''Nicola:''' I could actually do without the theatrics, I think, Malcolm – :'''Malcolm:''' Enough. E-fucking-nough. You need to learn to shut your fucking cave, right? Today, you have laid your first big fat egg of solid fuck. You took the data loss media strategy, and you ate it with a lump of ''[[w:Escherichia coli|E. coli]]''. And then you sprayed it our of your arse at 300 miles per hour. :'''Nicola:''' I simply made a mistake, Malcolm – :'''Malcolm:''' You got [[wikipedia:Source_(journalism)#"Speaking_terms"|'on the record' and 'off the record']] fucking mixed up! What would have happened if, like, [[wikipedia:George_Martin|George Martin]] had done that? We'd have no fucking Beatles, that's what. Now, I don't give a fuck about that: I've had to fucking sit next to [[wikipedia:Paul McCartney|Paul McCartney]] at fucking [[wikipedia:Chequers|Chequers]]! :'''Nicola:''' The data loss wasn't my fault. :'''Malcolm:''' Fine, yeah, but I tell you what, it came out fucking pretty fast once you were in there, didn't it? Which makes me wonder, should I just go and talk to the boss? Should I go and tell him, "I don't think she's up to the job"? :'''Nicola:''' You said yourself that if he sacks me after a week it looks like ''he's'' fucked up. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, but that was before, when your only problem was a fucking shit pun in a newspaper, and a face like[[w: Dot Cotton | Dot Cotton]] licking piss off a nettle! :'''Nicola:''' ''Okay'', I messed up, right? I messed up! But I will from now on listen to every bit of advice you give me. Yeah, I'll go on ''Question Time'' wearing a push-up bra and a fez. Yeah, I'll do the hustings on stilts if that is what you tell me the strategy is. Because you know about that stuff, Malcolm. I know that. It's just that I've got things I want to do, all right? :'''Malcolm:''' Of course you do, like Montessori fucking rocking horses, I suppose. :'''Nicola:''' No, no. :'''Malcolm:''' ''The Mail'' have the motherlode on this, right? So that means that there is a way through this for us, but it entails you, my dear, eating a complete concrete mixer full of humble pie. :''(Terri speaks for the first time in the meeting)'' :'''Terri:''' ''(with pen and diary ready)'' Right, what's the strategy? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(dramatic growl)'' The [[wikipedia:Kraken|Kraken]] awakes! :'''Terri:''' No no no, it's just that, I mean, this is the first bit of the meeting that hasn't been about expletives and fezzes and stilts and [[wikipedia:Teabagging|teabagging]], I mean, this is the bit that relates to media management. :'''Malcolm:''' I didn't say anything about teabagging. Do you even know what teabagging is? :'''Terri:''' Not really, no; er, I'm told it's unpleasant.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Nicola:''' I don't know where 'smug' comes from, I mean, I've aged ten years in the past week: I looked at myself in the mirror this morning and I thought, 'Fuck me, it's a [[wikipedia:Pantomime_dame|pantomime dame]]'. So an informal off-the-record lunch meet at ''The Guardian'': apparently it's a sort of shoot-the-breeze, you know, 'Have you seen the latest [[Mad Men|''Mad Men'']]? Isn't [[wikipedia:Andrew_Neil|Andrew Neil]] a jerk?' sort of thing. :'''Malcolm:''' ''The Guardian''? Don't tell them any fucking anecdotes about your children, or they'll offer you a fucking column.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Nicola:''' Right, when I came into this department I thought, 'OK. Let's turn a fresh page.' So I turned a fresh page, and you collectively have drawn a ''gigantic fucking cock'' on it!<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Glenn''' ''(to Robyn)'': Part of the strategy is to warn us when Malcolm is coming back, so it's your job to block the path. You're [[wikipedia:The_300_Spartans|the Spartans]] at [[wikipedia:Battle_of_Thermopylae|Thermopylae]]. You're [[wikipedia:Richard_Egan_(actor)|Richard Egan]] with an oily chest. :''(later, in Nicola's office)'' :'''Ollie:''' One possible strategy might be not to tell anybody. :'''Glenn:''' What, we keep it a secret? :'''Robyn''' ''(running in)'': Sorry, sorry. Malcolm's coming. Sorry. :'''Glenn:''' What? You were meant to be delaying him, you're supposed to be the Spartans! :'''Robyn:''' Well I couldn't really remember what the Spartans did, I'm not as old as you, Glenn!<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Marianne Swift:''' Data, exactly, I heard what you said about your data loss. :'''Malcolm:''' Did you say that? :'''Nicola:''' No, er, well I don't remem– I don't recognise those words, and I don't recognise you! :'''Marianne Swift:''' What? :'''Malcolm:''' So you see, the Minister may just have misspoke. But what she said was just words, right, not real statements. You know, that's like – you know, if there was a blast of wind over a harp, and it hit the strings, this wind, and it made the harp accidentally say, 'I'm a cat fucker', would that mean that that harp was actually a cat fucker, in real life, in reality? In the world we live in? :'''Nicola:''' Yeah, that's a really good question, yeah. == Series 3, Episode 3 == :'''Malcolm:''' ''(on his cell phone)'' We need to persuade Matt Delaney not to [[wikipedia:Crossing_the_floor#Changing_parties|cross the floor]]. I think we should use the [[wikipedia:Carrot_and_stick|carrot-and-stick]] approach, yeah. You take a carrot, you stick it up his fucking arse, followed by the stick, followed by an even bigger, rougher carrot. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Nicola and Ollie arrive at Glenn's hotel room, where Glenn has already arrived and waiting for them.)'' :'''Glenn:''' Ah, you got past mad conference security, then? :'''Nicola:''' It's bonkers, isn't it? It's like trying to get through Israeli customs wearing a T-shirt saying, "I heart bombing Israel." :'''Glenn:''' I know. I mean, I had to wait for an hour and they practically gave me a cavity search. :'''Ollie:''' Aw, only practically? The sense of disappointment in your voice is almost palpable. :''(Nicola notices the size of Glenn's room)'' :'''Nicola:''' Oh, your bed's bigger than mine. In fact, your whole room's bigger than mine. :'''Glenn:''' ''(feeling awkward)'' Well, um...Do you want it? :'''Ollie:''' "Mr. Lova Lova," full marks for foreplay there, Glenn, straight in. :'''Nicola:''' ''(reassuring Glenn)'' Do I want your room? No, honestly. I just thought they'd all be the same, sort of vanilla and monotonous. :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Did you ask them for your special tiny kettle? :'''Nicola:''' ''(chuckling)'' It's an electric thimble. :'''Ollie:''' Maybe the room only looks bigger because Glenn's kettle is so tiny! <hr width="50%"/> :''(John Duggan, a press officer at the conference, arrives at Nicola's room to introduce himself to Nicola and her team.)'' :'''John Duggan:''' Howdy Doody, Minister. I'm John Duggan, your press officer at the conference. :'''Nicola:''' Oh, hello. Nicola Murray, hi. :'''John:''' How was your holiday? :'''Nicola:''' Ah, well, you know, we wanted to go to Florida but Malcolm 'suggested' we went to [[wikipedia:Suffolk|Suffolk]], and so the kids were miserable, weather was miserable, and Malcolm rang and shouted at me for looking miserable. :'''John:''' I saw the photo of you, in the wellies next to the horse. 'Why the long face?' It was funny. ''(Nicola looks up, unimpressed)'' Or not, depending on your perspective. Still, things are looking up: you're in [[wikipedia:Eastbourne|Eastbourne]] now, which really is the jewel in the crown of our shit seaside resorts. [[wikipedia:Clacton-on-Sea|Clacton]] of the South West, they call it.<hr width="50%"/> :''(Nicola is trying to get John to push through the press a story about Peter Mannion taking a second holiday, which would put Peter in a negative light.)'' :'''Nicola:''' John, are you across this thing about, um, Peter Mannion lining up a second holiday? :'''John:''' Um, Mannion, right, yeah. :'''Nicola:''' Peter Mannion, my opposite number, you know? :'''John:''' Yes. :'''Nicola:''' Okay, good. So you're going to push that for the press for me, yeah? 'Cause I just want to remind people that while he's criticizing us over the recession, he's, you know, swanning around on his friend's massive yacht. :'''John:''' Oh, okay. "He's gay." :'''Glenn:''' Oh, for fuck... :'''Ollie:''' No, not gay. :'''Nicola:''' It's a hypocrisy thing. :'''John:''' (stammering) Yeah, well, I mean, in-in-in in principle, yeah. But it-it it is conference, so my to-do list is longer than a big willy. :'''Nicola:''' John, without wishing to sound blunt...Um, actually, you know what? Fuck it, let's sound blunt. ''(bluntly)'' It is your job. :'''John:''' I'll do what I can. That is a Duggan promise. :''(John leaves the room.)'' :'''Nicola:''' He's not gonna do it, is he? :'''Glenn:''' Absolutely fucking useless. :'''Nicola:''' He's completely not gonna do it. <hr width="50%"/> :''(John returns just as the group is discussing Julie Price, Nicola's "People's Champion.")'' :'''Ollie:''' ''(to John)'' Glenn says that she's changed her Facebook status to 'single and up for it', ''(John starts laughing)'' which I believe is actually why Glenn brought her here in the first place. :'''Glenn:''' Listen, John: There's an outside chance that she may just prefer to meet a human being, so I'm gonna come down with you. :'''Ollie:''' Good idea, you can buy her a coffee, can't you – you could maybe buy her a Collapsuccino. :'''John:''' ''(laughing)'' Might bring back memories of her latte husband. As in late husband. We're like [[wikipedia:Dick_and_Dom|Dick and Dom]], aren't we? Great chemistry. :'''Glenn:''' Yeah. Except neither one of [[wikipedia:Dick_(slang)|you]] are Doms. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Nicola is in the bathroom -- on her cell phone, though. She's having a chat with Terri, who's driving her car while talking to Nicola.)'' :'''Nicola:''' Terri, hi, it's me. :'''Terri:''' ''(on the phone, happily)'' Hi, Nicola! :'''Nicola:''' Have you read up about this Peter Mannion second holiday thing on the Dig Deep blog? :'''Terri:''' No, no, I haven't actually seen that. Where's he off to? :'''Nicola:''' Amalfi. So could you make a few phone calls? See if you can get it some press traction? :'''Terri:''' I'm sorry, I just can't do that. That's a party political matter. You're gonna have to get John Duggan onto that, 'cause it's his responsibility. :'''Nicola:''' Trouble is, Terri, that the only thing John Duggan is doing here is depriving a village somewhere of a twat. :'''Terri:''' Ah, yes, I've heard he's about as useless as a chocolate teapot. Although I probably shouldn't say that, sounds a bit racist, doesn't it? :'''Nicola:''' Where are you, Terri? :'''Nicola:''' I'm ju-just on the way down to Hastings to see my sister. Poor thing, having some trouble shifting a piano. So what I'm doing is I'm working from home today. :'''Nicola:''' No, you're not working and you're not at home, so as my 16-year old would say, "You are totally busted." :''(And make no mistake -- Terri is totally busted! She exhales, knowing Nicola has caught her in a lie.)'' <hr width="50%"/> :''(In this scene, Nicola and Ollie are working on her upcoming speech.)'' :'''Nicola:''' OK, right, what have we got on the workplace gym reward scheme? :'''Ollie:''' Er, fighting obesity is one of the biggest challenges we face, sleepwalking into a crisis, ticking time bomb – :'''Nicola:''' You write almost entirely in generic meaningless buzzwords, don't you? :'''Ollie:''' I could take it more street, if you prefer – 'You is all proper bloaters and it is well gay, biatch' – but, you know, this is the language – :'''Nicola:''' No, but, you know – I just don't want to come across all [[wikipedia:Nanny_state|nanny-state]] and sort of – 'Death by Chocolate is not a funny name for a pudding, it's a real and genuine concern', you know, I don't want to give the press another opportunity to see me as Mrs. Sour Power Vinegar Tits sucking on a lemon. :'''Ollie:''' Fine, I understand, so we'll sugar-coat it. :'''Nicola:''' Well, leaven it, ideally, with a couple of jokes. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, all right, no problemo. ''(beat)'' Now, jokes now? :'''Nicola:''' Yeah! :'''Ollie:''' OK, how about: 'We want people to be fit, not fit to burst'? :'''Nicola:''' I'm gonna have to go down the slapstick route, aren't I? Do the speech straight, but dressed as Freddie Starr's Hitler. <hr width="50%"/> :''(In this scene, Ollie has introduced Malcolm to Julie Price, the "People's Champion" that Nicola is announcing in her speech. Malcolm is genuinely warm and empathetic towards Julie.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Julie Price...I'm so sorry for your loss. Hey, you're being looked after well enough, yeah? :'''Julie Price:''' Yeah, not bad. :'''Malcolm:''' You stick with Ollie. He's...yeah, he's a good guy. I know he looks a bit like an anorexic [[wikipedia:Leo Sayer|Leo Sayer]] there. Listen, could I have a photograph taken with you? :'''Julie:''' Who, me? :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. I've got a little correction of memories, you know. [[Nelson Mandela|Mandela]] and stuff. ''(to Ollie)'' Ollie, would you be so kind as to do the honor, good sir? :''(Ollie takes a picture of Malcolm and Julie together.)'' :'''Julie:''' ''(to Malcolm, happily)'' You're a stunner, ye. :'''Malcolm:''' No, no, you're a stunner. You really are. Very impressive. You know, I'm not the only one who finds you impressive. The PM...he finds you very impressive. :'''Julie:''' That's good. :'''Ollie:''' Well, great. :'''Malcolm:''' I think that there is a point in his speech today... :'''Julie:''' Mmm? :'''Malcolm:''' ...where he would be very honored to introduce you. Is that something that would interest you? :'''Julie:''' Yeah. :'''Ollie:''' Yes, it might clash, though, with, uh, with Nicola's championing of Julie's cause. :'''Julie:''' Oh, God. Look, the nerves are getting to us. I need to use your bog. :''(Poor Julie has to go to the bathroom...)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, that's the ladies there. :''(Ollie doesn't like what Malcolm's doing.)'' :'''Ollie:''' Malcolm, you can't...You can't do that. She's our bonus track. She's our DVD Easter egg. We need her for the speech. :'''Malcolm:''' Boo-fucking-hoo. Can do and have done. :'''Ollie:''' Yes, but that...What, in two hours, two hours, think of a whole new speech? :'''Malcolm:''' Oh, welcome to the Men's Room! Jesus Christ, listen. It's this simple, right? If she goes on with Nicola, she'll be watched by 15 housebound mouth-breathers. Oh, and by the ever-swelling ranks of the unemployed, who fucking hate us, by the way. But if she goes on with Tom, she'll make the 10 o'clock news, right? :''(Julie has finally returned, AND...)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Julie, hi. Feel better? :'''Julie:''' Yeah, good. :'''Malcolm:''' Yes. Now what's it gonna be, Julie darling? Do you want to go with the teas maid...or with the caravan? :'''Julie:''' ''(excited)'' I'm going with the caravan. That is the Prime Minister? :'''Malcolm:''' That is the Prime Minister, yes. :'''Julie:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Sorry, Ollie. It's nice to meet you. :'''Malcolm:''' Julie, this way, come on. Are you actually in the hotel, or are you staying... :''(As Malcolm and Julie leave together, Ollie runs back to Glenn's room to alert Glenn and Nicola of the bad news.)'' <hr width="50%"/> :''(Nicola and Glenn are in her room trying to write her speech...)'' :'''Glenn:''' "So, joking aside..." Of course, we haven't fucking got those yet. :'''Nicola:''' I know. :'''Glenn:''' Whatever they are, right... :''(When all of a sudden, Ollie re-enters the room.)'' :'''Ollie:''' ''(anxious as hell)'' Right, right. :'''Glenn:''' "It's now my great pleasure -- " ''(to Ollie)'' We're just doing the... :'''Ollie:''' No no no, listen. Um -- listen! :'''Glenn:''' What? :'''Ollie:''' You know when something, well, something bad, but you know when something bad happens and you think it's not as bad as... :'''Nicola:''' What's happened? :'''Glenn:''' Where's Julie? :'''Ollie:''' Malcolm's commandeered Julie for the PM's speech. We bumped into each other and he... :'''Glenn:''' What do you mean he's ''commandeered'' her? You're supposed to be looking after her, for fuck's sake! :'''Nicola:''' No, no, no, no, no, he hasn't. No. :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' We can't even fucking trust you to babysit! :'''Ollie:''' ''Malcolm'' took her... :'''Glenn:''' Just say no! :'''Ollie:''' ''(getting defensive)'' You don't just say no! :'''Glenn:''' What part of "no" don't you understand? :'''Ollie:''' Babysitting isn't a fucking... :''(Nicola starts pounding and stomping on a pillow -- pretending that the pillow is Malcolm!)'' :'''Nicola:''' ''MALCOLM! FUCKING -- FUCK MALCOLM! FUCK MALCOLM! FUCK MALCOLM! FUCK MALCOLM! FUCK MALCOLM!'' :'''Ollie:''' Well, um, that was my, uh, initial reaction as well. :'''Glenn:''' Deep breath, Nicola. :'''Nicola:''' Yes, yes I know. Thank you, thank you, FUCK OFF! Thank you! :'''Glenn:''' Right, yes. What do you want us to do? :''(Nicola pushes Glenn and Ollie out of the way and runs to the bathroom.) :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Do you want your Rescue Remedy? :'''Nicola:''' No, fuck off! ''(Nicola takes a few deep breaths...)'' Get me some ketamine. I want to separate my mind from my body. :'''Glenn:''' Jesus Christ, poor Nicola. I'm going to go and talk to the bastard. :'''Ollie:''' Yes. :'''Glenn:''' Take some reasonable... :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn, sarcastically)'' Yeah, that's right, rip your shirt off! Go on, Braveheart! FREEDOM! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' Listen, just casually mention to Alan Dunn and, er, Lindsay Anorexi at the Mail, that the PM has brought Julie Price to the conference. :'''John:''' That's not strictly true, though, is it? :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well ''[[wikipedia:Strictly Come Dancing|Strictly Come Dancing]]'' isn't strictly dancing, is it? They also have a bit at the beginning where [[wikipedia:Bruce_Forsyth|an old man]] ''dribbles''. So what? :'''John:''' Well, I didn't really follow that. Um, my point is... :''(Malcolm sees Glenn coming his way...and Glenn's pretty darn mad now.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Oh, Glenn, right. Okay, mate, look, I can see that you're a tad peeved. :'''Glenn:''' I'm not having it. You've gone too far. :'''Malcolm:''' Hey, get a grip, Glenn. I didn't fucking come in your mouth. :''(John starts laughing)'' :'''Glenn:''' ''(to John, angrily)'' Are you in on this? :'''John:''' Oh, God, no, no, no. I'm just obeying orders, you know, like a Nazi guard. (John jokingly gives the Nazi salute.) Only in a non-gassy way. :''(to Julie)'' You're not Jewish, are you? :'''Julie:''' No. :'''John:''' ''(relieved)'' Oh, good. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to John)'' Can you just take her? :'''John:''' Oh, yeah, uh... ''(to Julie)'' Why don't you go in here? There's some important people and biscuits in there. Have a coffee. Didn't mean to bring back bad memories. :'''Julie:''' ''(confused)'' What are you on about? :'''John:''' Your husband dying in a café. :''(While John takes Julie into the room, Malcolm and Glenn continue their argument.)'' :'''Glenn:''' You can't just take her! That's people trafficking! :'''Malcolm:''' Am I being threatened by [[wikipedia:Harold Bishop|Harold fucking Bishop]]? :'''Glenn:''' No, Malcolm... :''(John comes back into the hallway to try and make peace...)'' :'''John:''' Okay, guys, can we just... :''(But then, Malcolm sees Ollie coming to join the shenanigans.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Oh, shit, wow, here's the beige fucking Power Ranger now. :'''Glenn:''' Yeah, and we're taking her back! :'''Malcolm:''' Do not make this a disciplinary issue. Do you hear me, soldier? :'''Glenn:''' I found her! I fucking found her! :'''Malcolm:''' She was on the fucking news! Get this guy out of here! :''(NOW, tempers are flaring!)'' :'''John:''' Can we get a bit more sane about this, please? :'''Malcolm:''' It is not a fucking discussion. :'''John:''' Right, nobody argue. :'''Glenn:''' I am going to go in there and I am going to take her! :'''Malcolm:''' You will fucking not! :'''Glenn:''' Fuck off! Fuck -- :''(And then -- Malcolm punches Glenn in the NOSE! Ollie catches Glenn's fall.)'' :'''Ollie:''' Jesus Christ! :'''John:''' Oh my God... :'''Malcolm:''' You've hurt yourself. :'''John:''' I've got so much on, as it is. :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' You hit me! :'''Malcolm:''' I did not hit you! I went to hit the fucking wall and pulled my fist back and hit you in the fucking face instead! :'''Glenn:''' I think you've broken my nose! :'''Malcolm:''' No no no, that's just a scratch, mate! :'''John:''' Noses can't break, anyway. That's a myth. :'''Glenn:''' ''(to John)'' What the fuck are you talking about? :'''Malcolm:''' Look, look, just lean forward. You know, you want the blood to flow out of your nose, not down your throat like a fucking gurgling drain. :'''Glenn:''' Don't touch me! :'''Ollie:''' ''(feeling sorry for Glenn)'' Look at him. :'''Glenn:''' Have you got a hanky? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' You go look after Julie, right? ''(to John)'' John, let's get Glenn back to his room. :'''John:''' Okay, yeah. :''(Malcolm's now looking around for possible witnesses)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to John)'' Nobody saw that, did they? :'''John:''' No, it's like when a fight starts, you're just like, "Fight, fight, fight!" :''(Ollie and Julie are coming near)'' :'''Julie:''' All right? All right? :'''Ollie:''' If we can just get... :''(Julie notices that Glenn's holding his nose.)'' :'''Julie:''' Is he okay? :''(The guys are pretending Glenn's OK.)'' :'''Ollie:''' He's fine, he's fine. :'''Malcolm:''' He's just got a nosebleed. :''(Ollie and Julie leave peacefully, BUT...)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to John)'' Say, you... :'''John:''' Yeah. :'''Malcolm:''' If you breathe a word of this, right? :'''John:''' Mmm-hmm. :'''Malcolm:''' Listen to me, Richard fucking Stilgoe, you fucking jazzy bastard! :'''John:''' I am listening. :'''Malcolm:''' Help me here! Let's get fucking Noses Supposes back to his fuck... :''(But Glenn is GONE!)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Where is he? :'''John:''' I don't know. :'''Malcolm:''' Jesus Christ! Come on! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nicola:''' I think you should leave. :'''Malcolm:''' Oh, do you? :'''Nicola:''' Yes! ''(beat)'' What, are you gonna hit me? :'''Malcolm:''' I don't fucking hit women. :'''Ollie:''' Except Glenn, obviously. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Just you fucking leave Glenn out of this Glenn's been through enough as it is. ''(to Glenn, who is in the bathroom)'' Listen mate, I'm really – I'm really sorry, right, I'm really sorry about what happened in the heat of the fucking moment, yeah? I'm under a lot of pressure right now, I'm trying to plug a lot of leaks out there; I had my [[wikipedia:Hans_Brinker,_or_The_Silver_Skates#Popular_culture:_the_legend_of_the_boy_and_the_dike|finger in the dyke]], but the dyke's very very squirty. :'''Ollie:''' Is it Fat Pat? I've heard that she's, er – :'''Malcolm:''' Shut up. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' Now that you've lost [[wikipedia:Geordie|Geordie]] Julie, the merry fucking widow, you've got a hole in your speech. Right, so have we got a contingency for that? :'''Nicola:''' Yeah, we'll figure it out, thank you. :'''Malcolm:''' Well look, why don't I help you? Let's roll some tits up the flagpole, and see if anyone gets wood! :'''Nicola:''' Oh Christ, it's like being trapped in a fucking boys' toilet. Right, all we've got is Mannion's second holiday, we need to take the piss out of that. :'''Ollie:''' OK, how about, er, "He's called Peter 'Two Holidays' Mannion"? :'''Malcolm:''' Glenn. :'''Glenn:''' Erm, 'He's, erm – works really hard – at planning his holidays'? :'''Malcolm:''' That's really fucking quality fucking explosive sarcasm you're lobbing at them, mate. Boom. :'''Glenn:''' I feel I'm in a therapy group being run by my own rapist. :'''Malcolm:''' Right, okay, well, how about... :''(Suddenly, everybody's cell phones are ringing...)'' :'''Glenn:''' Oh my God...it's got out. :'''Ollie:''' No, really? I thought it was room service cold-calling. :'''Malcolm:''' Who the fuck is leaking this out there? ''(to Ollie)'' Find out who's pissing this over the wall. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, w-well, the thing about the Internet, Malcolm, is it's quite big... :'''Malcolm:''' IT'S ON ROB HOLT'S BLOG! :'''Ollie:''' I don't know what he looks like. I don't... :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' You need to get your people's champion out of this hotel before some tabloid minge-flannel starts soft-soaping her. :'''Nicola:''' So we've got her back again now. Is that right? :'''Malcolm:''' Don't be so fucking touchy about this! I've a lot to fucking deal with here! :'''Nicola:''' ''(sarcastically)'' ''MY'' responsibility again ''NOW!'' Doesn't matter about the speech. That's fine, Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, it does fucking matter! :''(Nicola then slams the bathroom door.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Women, huh? Women slam the door, where did this idea come from, huh? ''(bangs on the bathroom door)'' [[w:The Flintstones|WILMAAA]]! Fuck off! :'''Nicola:''' ''(from inside the bathroom)'' I'm making a phone call. :'''Malcolm:''' Make a phone call! [[wikipedia:Who_Wants_to_Be_a_Millionaire?_(UK_game_show)#Lifelines|Phone a fucking friend]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Nicola makes her phone call to...Terri.)'' :'''Terri:''' ''(answering in a sing-song voice)'' Hello? :'''Nicola:''' Terri, it's-it's Nicola again. We're at DEFCON 1. Or-Or 5, or whichever the really bad one is. :'''Terri:''' ''(looking out her car window)'' You stupid pillock! Oh, boy racers. :'''Nicola:''' ''(getting desperate)'' Terri, can you harness that anger and bring it down to Eastbourne, please? I desperately need you to come down and help me. :'''Terri:''' ''(replying to Nicola)'' The problem is this party political problem, because I'm a civil servant and I cannot possibly be seen to have anything to do with a party conference. :'''Nicola:''' ''(begging)'' Terri, please, I'm standing in a factory that makes fans, right? And a-a man has walked in with a giant shit-spraying machine, and you happen to be bunking off work and not very far away, so I need you here! :'''Terri:''' ''(reluctantly giving in)'' Listen, I've got a cagoule in the back and I could come incognito with the hood up, if that's gonna help you out. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nicola:''' ''(looking at her speech)'' 'Government department – The gov–' Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck! How can I learn this when you're still writing it? I feel sick! :'''Ollie:''' No, it's exciting, it's good, it's really good. In fact, I would say: the fact that you're hearing it for the first time when you say it will possibly give it a freshness and a zing, you know – :'''Nicola:''' You think? :'''Ollie:''' Yes, you know, this is politics as it is, isn't it? It's ''[[The West Wing]]''! :'''Nicola:''' You're not [[wikipedia:Josh_Lyman|Josh]], Ollie, just write the fucking speech. :'''Ollie:''' It doesn't mat– :'''Nicola:''' Come on Nicola, pull yourself together. :'''Ollie:''' ''(to himself)'' I fucking am Josh. :'''Nicola:''' Nicola Murray can do this, come on! :'''Ollie:''' Wow, did you just refer to yourself in the second ''and'' third person? 'Cause they're both – :'''Nicola:''' Write the fucking speech! :'''Ollie:''' Right, OK, yes, I'm just slightly distracted by all the Nicola Murrays in the room! <hr width="50%"/> :'''John:''' Malcolm, you're really scaring me now. :'''Malcolm:''' I'm scaring you? I'm so sorry I'm fucking scaring you. I mustn't scare you, must I? I won't scare you, OK, I'll just explain to you what I'm gonna fucking do to you: I'm gonna take your bollocks, I'm gonna fucking rip them off, I'm gonna fucking paint eyeballs on them. And I'm gonna stitch them onto a fucking sock and use that as a mouthpiece. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm''' ''(to John)'' Oh, twat features! I mean that literally. <hr width="50%"/> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(on his phone)'' No, Dan Miller is not positioning himself for the leadership. Well, for a start, you can't have a prime minister called Dan. People called Dan work in fucking fitness centres and listen to West Coast jazz. <hr width="50%"/> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''John:''' Er, no, I've gotta wait for Glenn to bring Julie what's-her-face back from the toilet so I can give her the tour. :'''Ollie:''' Where are they? :'''John:''' Glenn has taken her to Nicola's toilet. It's like being back at college, isn't it, you know, [[wikipedia:Student_orientation|Freshers' Week]], it's just as busy, isn't it, you know – :'''Nicola:''' Stop talking. :'''John:''' Right, OK. :'''Ollie:''' Oh dear, that's bad, Glenn and a woman in a toilet. 'Hello Julie. Would you like to see the Minister's room? ''(John starts laughing)'' It's very cosy, isn't it, just right for a little kissy-kissy? Maybe some tickle-me tickle-me? ''(mimes undoing his flies)'' Have you met my little friend, old blind Bob?' ''(turns round to find that Glenn and Julie Price have returned)'' Just an impression of my friend, old blind Bob. :'''John:''' Liar. :'''Ollie:''' Listen, right, I'm not being really horrible, but are you actually autistic? :'''John:''' No; but you'd be surprised how many people ask me that. <hr width="50%"/> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Malcolm:''' And I need you, big man. :'''Glenn:''' Why? :'''Malcolm:''' Because I'm gonna invite some hacks up here. I'm gonna give them some drinks, and I'm gonna show them what good mates we are, huh? :'''Glenn:''' Do we have to? :'''Malcolm:''' Yes, we do have to do it! And I want you to be telling some really fucking amusing anecdotes about our long weekend in Prague. :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' He's gonna hit me again, isn't he? I don't mind being hit, it's just the making up afterwards that scares me shitless.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Nicola:''' Terri, I really need you to come down here and help me. All I've got here, right, is a psycho man, a bleeding man and a sarky teenager. It's like some fucking logic problem: 'How do I get the chickens across the river? How do I get the ''fucking chickens'' across the river?' <hr width="50%"/> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''John:''' See, this is the problem with the modern age, the blogosphere, and it is a fear, it's everywhere, we call it the i-Zilla. No one can tame the [[wikipedia:Beast_of_Bodmin_Moor|Beast of Blogmin]]. :'''Malcolm:''' What the fuck are you talking about? Make a deal with these bloggers. Threaten them! It's your fucking job, isn't it? :'''John:''' Malcolm, that is not how the internet works; it's a world-wide, you know, web, that's where that comes from. :'''Malcolm:''' Look: I need you to find the [[wikipedia:Itsy_Bitsy_Spider|incy-wincy fucking spider]], take your rolled-up wank mag and fucking ''squash'' the fucker, right, can you do that? :'''John:''' Malcolm, I've got a lot on. ''(Malcolm glares at him)'' Not a problem. That's a Duggan promise.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Ollie''' ''(looking out of the window onto the car park)'': You've got to see this, come here. Glenn is putting on his retrosexual moves. :'''Nicola:''' No! :'''Ollie:''' Yeah. :'''Nicola''' ''(looking out of the window)'': Who is she? :'''Ollie:''' I dunno, but she's smashed, if she is a she. I think I can see her madam's apple there. :'''Nicola:''' Maybe they're just talking. :'''Nicola and Ollie''' ''(seeing them kiss)'': Oh! :'''Ollie:''' That's horrific. This is like the worst porn film ever. This is like the porn film where the woman rings for a special adviser to give her an overview of the last five years of social policy and they end up fucking. :''(both laugh)'' :'''Nicola: [[w:The Bourne Ultimatum|The Porn Ultimatum]].''' == Series 3, Episode 4 == :'''Ollie:''' What's happened to Terri? She looks like a female impersonator! :'''Glenn:''' Yeah I know, I thought you only got made over like that at a gay undertaker's.<hr width="50%" />'''Ollie:''' ''(re: Nicola's daughter, Ella)'' She's kicking off at school. Basically, ever since Malcolm made Nicola put her in the fucking comp, she's headed for what Mr. [[w:Neil Diamond|Neil Diamond]] I believe would have called 'a [[w:Sweet Caroline|Sweet]] [[w:Columbine High School massacre|Columbine]] incident'.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Emma:''' Hey, do you know what, I wonder if we'll get to sneak up on Ollie and catch him not working. :'''Phil:''' Better still, I'd like to see him getting bollocked by Malcolm. ''(impersonates Malcolm)'' 'I'm gonna rip out ya bladder and wear it as a bandana!' :'''Emma:''' OK, erm – :'''Phil:''' I need to know what Glenn Cullen looks like. :'''Emma:''' Oh, Glenn Cullen, er, fifties, kind of depressed looking; I always think of, like, a bloodhound. :'''Phil:''' OK, I'll get a picture of Mick Hucknall. :'''Peter''' ''(arriving)'': Morning, comrades! How goes the revolution? :'''Phil and Emma:''' Morning. :'''Peter:''' Our tanks on their lawn at last, fuck-a-doodle-doo! :'''Phil:''' Talking of which, may I present the DoSAC Implementation Matrix! :'''Emma:''' Don't ask. :'''Peter:''' Look, this is a very straightforward set of meetings with the senior civil servants. You know, 'Where's the stop-cock? Where can I get a decent cup of coffee? Here's our legislative agenda for the next three years'. :'''Phil:''' Yeah I know, but Stewart's very keen for us to use a visit to DoSAC as a scouting exercise? :'''Peter:''' Well I'm very keen to use Stewart's mouth as an ashtray, but it doesn't mean I'd do it. <hr width="50%" /> :'''Malcolm:''' ''(explaining the Opposition Drill)'' When the Opposition are here, you tell them nothing except where the toilets are, but you lie about that. And Terri, keep your tits in.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Emma:''' ''(receiving an alert on her phone)'' That's Stewart. I'm just gonna have to show him up. :'''Peter:''' Great, Mr. Blue Sky; we're not gonna practise fist bumps again, are we? :'''Emma:''' Phil, if you mention anything out of turn while I'm gone, I will send your mum that picture of you dressed up as Cher, OK? ''(taps her phone)'' One button... ''(leaves)'' :'''Peter:''' Cher? :'''Phil:''' Celine Dion, karaoke night. It's totally harmless. ''(checks that Emma has gone)'' OK, Ollie told Emma that there's a shitstorm brewing about the minister's daughter. :'''Peter:''' She was only the minister's daughter, but she knew how to take the collection. :'''Phil:''' She's 12. :'''Peter:''' Oh, shit, strike that last remark, it's actually a little poem that... gets much worse.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Stewart:''' Ah Peter, glad we could hook up. Just wanted to take a couple of turns with you on the ideas carousel, yeah? Think of ways we could turn your team into a little cluster of excellence. :'''Peter:''' Oh, you mean you wanted to have a chat.<hr width="50%" />'''Peter:''' I hate to be a spoilsport, but can we briefly refocus on our visit to DoSAC? :'''Stewart''': Yeah, who are you meeting? :'''Phil:''' Got a couple of meetings with two top people, you know, the big swinging dicks. :'''Stewart:''' Yeah, OK, well don't forget the tiny static dicks. :'''Phil:''' Yeah, we're not allowed to talk to her boyfriend, though. :'''Emma:''' Very funny. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ollie:''' Oi! Oi! [[w:James May|James fucking May]]! It was ''you'' sprayed the private information about the school, wasn't it?! Like [[w:Jenson Button|Jenson Button]] shaking up a magnum of piss! :'''Phil:''' Oh, just listen to yourself! Okay, at first it was private information between you and your boss, then it was private information between you and your girlfriend, ''then'' it was private information between your girlfriend and her colleagues! :'''Ollie:''' Yeah? :'''Phil:''' I mean, I can draw you a diagram if you like! it's like a fucking swine flu pandemic! :'''Ollie:''' I've clearly made an error, which I have to take up with Emma... :'''Phil:''' Exactly! :'''Ollie:''' ... but you shouldn't be fucking using it for political – :'''Phil:''' This is ''your'' fault! It's not my fault! You're like the man who fucked the monkey that gave us AIDS, that's who you are! :'''Ollie:''' ''(incredulous)'' I'm like the man who did what? Who "fucked the monkey ''(laughs)'' that gave us AIDS"? :'''Phil:''' That's right: you keep saying "it wasn't me, it wasn't me" and there's monkey shit on your balls, not mine! :'''Malcolm:''' ''(walking in)'' I love it, I love it - it's the pre-match sparring for the big Super Gayweight Title Fight, eh? ''(makes boxing motions)'' Okay, Oliver, wipe away the pre-cum. You've got some work to get on with. :'''Ollie:''' ''(quietly)'' Yeah, Malcolm, um...? :'''Malcolm:''' What? :'''Ollie:''' The Nicola thing, I think, is getting a bit worse. It looks like her daughter's about to be excluded for bullying. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, I know, Glenn told me that. :'''Ollie:''' What? When did –? :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. The thing is, all we've got to do is, if we try and keep this info very, very closely contained, we'll be all right, yeah? :'''Ollie:''' Okay. :'''Malcolm:''' Okay? :'''Ollie''': Okay. :'''Malcolm:''' On you go. ''(walks up to Phil)'' Okay, Shitehead Revisited. Did you know that Nicola Murray's daughter is about to be expelled from school for fucking ''bullying?'' :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' What are you doing? :'''Phil:''' No, what... :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Don't worry. ''(to Phil)'' Did you not know that? :'''Phil:''' No, why would I... No... :'''Malcolm:''' Of course you wouldn't know that, 'cause the only people who know that right now are Mrs. Murray, her daughter, Ollie and me, yeah? If this gets into the press, I would ''know'' that it came from you. :'''Phil:''' Clever. ''(chuckles, trying to hide his nervousness)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(also chuckles, rather deviously)'' And I would rain down on you so hard, you would have to be reassembled by fucking air crash investigators. ''(Phil tries to protest)'' ''Do not fucking'' interrupt me, son, ever! Now get this into the noggin, right? You breathe a ''word'' of this, to ''anyone'', you mincing fucking '''''CUNT''''', and I will tear your fucking skin off, I will wear it to your mother's birthday party, and I will rub your nuts up and down her leg whilst whistling [[w:Bohemian Rhapsody|Bohemian fucking Rhapsody]], right?! :'''Phil:''' ''(nods in shock)'' Yeah. :'''Malcolm:''' Now...get out of my fucking sight! :'''Phil:''' Yeah. ''(wanders off, visibly terrified)'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Peter:''' ''(Discussing Malcolm)'' His bark's worse than his bite. ''(Sees Malcolm approaching)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Peter! :'''Peter:''' And speaking of rabies injections, here he is! :'''Malcolm:''' I didn't know you were still alive. How's the 80's tribute band? Still doing the [[wikipedia:Robert_Palmer_(singer)|Robert Palmer]] lookalikey thing, huh? :'''Peter:''' Malcolm, you're looking well, for someone twice your age. Any news on the aneurysm? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Peter:''' ''(Answers his mobile phone)'' Ah, Stewart. What flavour of nut-brown piss are you going to pour in my ear? :'''Stewart:''' How's the info-pump firing? :'''Peter:''' You mean Terri Coverley? She's useless, she knows nothing. You two would get on. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Glenn:''' Nicola, just got a text from Malcolm. He says he knows Mannion was here. :'''Nicola:''' How does he know that? :'''Glenn:''' Text reads: 'I know about your fucking meeting with that ageing flamenco guitarist. You are NOT' (big letters) 'to go home.' There's been an escalation. He says he wants you at Number 10 'ASAFP'. :'''Nicola:''' 'F' meaning – :'''Glenn:''' Feasibly, I should imagine. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Nicola arrives at Malcolm's office)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Hi Nicola, thanks very much for coming over. Can I get you something? :'''Nicola:''' Actually, you haven't got any whisky, have you? :'''Malcolm:''' Whisky, yeah. Hasn't been touched for a while; still got [[wikipedia:Anthony_Eden|Anthony Eden]]'s lipstick on the bottle. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nicola:''' OK, so it's Mannion. What do we do? I mean, do we go after him with one of your, you know, things that you say, like a big bum-dildo of vengeance or something? :'''Malcolm:''' There you go, that's my girl, yeah! [[wikipedia:Indiana_Jones_(franchise)|Indiana]] Murray and the Bum-Dildo of Vengeance, I like it.<hr width="50%" />''(deleted scene)'' :''(arriving at the DoSAC building)'' :'''Phil:''' This is ''mint''. It's like the fall of Troy but with visitor's passes instead of a [[wikipedia:Trojan_Horse|wooden horse]]. :'''Peter''' ''(quoting [[Alfred, Lord Tennyson#Ulysses (1842)|Tennyson's]]'' [[Alfred, Lord Tennyson#Ulysses (1842)|Ulysses]]'')'': 'It may be that the gulfs will wash us down, / It may be we shall touch the Happy Isles / And see the great Achilles, whom we knew.' :'''Phil:''' I meant the film ''[[Troy (film)|Troy]]''? :'''Peter:''' Awesome.<hr width="50%" />''(deleted scene)'' :'''Emma:''' Do you fancy a cup of tea? :'''Stewart:''' Er, yes, you got anything herbal? :'''Emma:''' OK, yeah. ''(walking off, to herself)'' Something perfumed and essentially gay. ''(sees Phil)'' Oh, speak of the devil. Whoa, you look like you've shat yourself. :'''Phil:''' I had a close encounter with Malcolm Tucker. ''(Emma laughs)'' It's not funny, he's like some horrible character from an Ian Rankin novel. :'''Stewart:''' Where's Peter? :'''Emma:''' Yeah, where is Peter? :'''Phil:''' I don't know. It's a bit of a blur to be honest, I just kind of ran out of the building. I just kept walking, I ended up in [[wikipedia:Greenwich|Greenwich]]. :'''Emma:''' Greenwich? :'''Phil:''' I think I was following the river, I wanted to get to the sea.<hr width="50%" />''(deleted scene)'' :'''Peter:''' Do you channel all your passions into pie charts, Stewart? I don't even think you're excited about winning. I bet when you orgasm, you just put a little tick on a chart next to your bed. == Series 3, Episode 5 == :''(Terri smiles and waves at Peter.)'' :'''Peter:''' Why does the useless one keep staring at me? :'''Phil:''' Because she's a mentalist and she loves you. You ever crash your car in the mountains, she'll be the one waiting to drag you out. ''(both chuckle)'' You've seen ''[[wikipedia:Misery (film)|Misery]]''? :'''Peter:''' I'm in the fucking BBC, aren't I? <hr width="50%" /> :''(Nicola, Terri, Glenn, Phil and Peter are all waiting in the green room. Terri continues to smile and stare at Peter.)'' :'''Peter:''' ''(quietly)'': The stupid one keeps staring at me; could you block the view, or something? :'''Phil:''' OK. ''(sits on the table, between Terri and Peter)'' :'''Peter:''' OK. :'''Phil:''' ''(to Terri)'': Sorry. :'''Peter:''' Why isn't Emma here to help? :'''Phil:''' She's dumping Ollie tonight. Result! Probably crying his eyes out right now, like Kate Winslet losing on a scratch card. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Glenn:''' Well, that's a nice tan you haven't quite managed to get there, Peter. :'''Peter:''' Oh yes of course, that's very funny, because of the shitstorm you created about my second holiday. I had to cancel my second holiday. I see what you did there, you should be in stand-up. :'''Phil:''' [[wikipedia:Ben_Elton|Glenn Elton]]. 'Yes indeed, ladies and gentlemen!' :'''Peter:''' Sorry about the puffin. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm is in his office talking to someone on his cell phone)'' :'''Malcolm:''' No, I don't give a fuck whose birthday it is, I'm going to enjoy myself here listening to this Murray-Mannion ding-dong on the radio. The fat cat story's breaking, so the opposition are gonna be sweating like Vegas Elvis on a squash court. :''(Malcolm's personal assistant, Sam, comes into the office with a box)'' :'''Sam:''' Happy Birthday, Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' Stop saying that, right? Just you go home. What is this? Don't...Is this my new anal beads? :''(Malcolm looks at the box)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Okay, this has been X-rayed, yeah? I'm not gonna get fucking, a present bomb in the face? :''(Malcolm opens the box. It contains a cake which reads 'Happy Birthday C*nt')'' :'''Malcolm:''' This could be from anybody. ''(opens the accompanying card)'' Ah, it's from the Prime Minister. This is fucking Tom's idea of a joke, yeah? And he wonders why we don't let him out in public.<hr width="50%" /> :''(Nicola is discussing what she's going to say about her Fourth Sector Initiative on Richard Bacon's radio show with Terri and Glenn)'' :'''Nicola:''' Fourth sector, people power. Inspiring each other out of disadvantage. :'''Terri:''' And you need to put in the liking words as well, not just the headlines. :'''Nicola:''' I am going to talk in complete sentences. :'''Terri:''' I think you should rehearse with those headlines. :'''Nicola:''' Okay, how about "I believe in people power. Will you fuck off, Terri?" Is that okay? <hr width="50%"/> :''(Meanwhile, Peter is discussing what he's going to talk about on the show with Phil.)'' :'''Peter:''' "We call it the Common Sense Checklist, Richard. We need to cut red tape. We were talking about that at the Oval the other day, weren't we, Richard?" :'''Phil:''' ''(loving it)'' That's just the sound of wickets falling. :''(But then, Phil's cell phone rings.)'' :'''Phil:''' Stewart. :'''Peter:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Stewart? Oh, good. I wonder what Mr. Political Correctness Gone Boring wants... :'''Phil:''' ''(answering his cell phone)'' Hi, Stewart. :'''Stewart:''' Look, a little note for Peter, yeah? Tell him to dump the common sense checklist. Yeah, it's an ex-list. The new world order is this: Hit the city hard, yeah? It's "Reverse Gekko." Greed is bad, money is awful. "I Heart [[wikipedia:Tracy Chapman|Tracy Chapman]]," yeah? :''(Phil leans over to Peter to quietly tell him the bad news...)'' :'''Phil:''' ''(to Peter)'' He wants you to scrap the common sense checklist and hit the city hard over the bonuses, call them all money-grabbing wankers. :''(A BBC employee lets everyone know that Nicola and Peter are on, but Peter still has something to say to Phil.)'' :'''Peter:''' Phil. ''(Peter quietly pulls Phil aside.)'' Some of my best friends are money-grabbing wankers. And I've got to give a speech to a roomful of them tomorrow at the CBI lunch. I'm not gonna say, "Hello, chums, I've just taken a slash in the soup." So, no, the answer's no. :''(As Peter makes his way to the studio, Phil gets back on his cell phone to talk to Stewart.)'' :'''Phil:''' Stewart, um, Peter's not going to want to do that. :'''Stewart:''' No, I don't want him to want to do it, Phil. I just want him to do it. :'''Phil:''' ''(to Peter)'' Stewart says it's a JB diktat, you have to do it. :'''Peter:''' Tell him to stick a goose up his arse. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Peter Mannion and Nicola Murray are now in the studio with Richard Bacon. Phil, Terri and Glenn are in the control room.)'' :'''[[wikipedia:Richard_Bacon_(broadcaster)|Richard Bacon]]:''' Coming up shortly, we've got what could be a rather fiery showdown between two political heavyweights. After trading blows in the dailies, it's now time for them to meet face to face. So, it gives me great pleasure to introduce Nicola Murray... :'''Nicola:''' Hello. :''(Richard gives Nicola a polite 'please wait' hand gesture)'' :'''Richard:'''...Secretary of State for the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship. ''(Richard gives Nicola the 'OK.')'' :'''Nicola:''' Hello, again. I got it right that time. I managed to come in at the right time. :'''Richard:''' Hello, and from the shadow cabinet, the right honourable Peter Mannion MP. :'''Peter:''' Hi, Richard. Good to see you again. :'''Phil:''' ''(in the control room)'' THE MANNIONATOR! :'''Richard:''' ''(to Peter)'' Good to see you again as well. Uh, listen, guys, first of all... :'''Terri:''' ''(to Phil)'' How old are you? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Richard:''' Either of you got any piercings? Any tattoos? :'''Peter:''' Uh, I've got an appendix scar, does that count? :'''Richard:''' Classic! :'''Peter:''' Well, you know how it is. Out with a bunch of pals, got a bit tipsy, rolled into casualty, yeah. Hey, we all got it done. :'''Phil:''' Yeah! In your face, bitch! :'''Richard:''' That's very funny. Nicola Murray, any piercings? :'''Nicola:''' Um...Uh, no... :'''Terri:''' Yes, you do. :'''Nicola:''' No piercings at all, no. :'''Terri:''' You have got some piercings. :'''Richard:''' Okay, all right. :'''Nicola:''' Uh, sorry, no piercings at all, no. :''(All the while, Glenn is trying to remind Nicola about her pierced ears.)'' :'''Nicola:''' Um, some people say that my distinguishing feature would be probably my ears, which I'm told are quite small. :'''Richard:''' Right. :'''Nicola:''' But I do think we have to be a little bit careful about taking too light an approach to culturally sensitive issues, like body piercing or female circumcision...Uh, earrings! Earrings. I've got pierced ears. :'''Richard:''' Let's leave that there. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(listening to Nicola on the radio)'' Fuck me, this is like a clown running across a minefield! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Glenn and Terri are now out of the control room, having an impromptu talk.)'' :'''Glenn:''' I'm really worried about Nicola. She's behaving like a squirrel trapped in a pedal bin. What I'm asking you to do is have a word with, um, Blondie, that producer. And cut Nicola some slack because she needs all the sympathy she can get. :'''Terri:''' The problem is, though, Glenn, if you say to a journalist, 'Can you avoid that topic?', that's when they really go for it. I mean, it's like saying to the school bully, 'I'll wet myself if you tickle me'. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Throughout his show, Richard reads out listeners' texts about piercings.)'' :'''Richard:''' 'Dear Richard, I don't see the point of piercings. If you were a robot, you wouldn't stick bits of dangling flesh all over yourself, would you?' :'''Richard:''' 'Dear Richard, my friend's daughter got piercings all round her mouth. She looks like she works in a ball bearings factory, and there was an explosion and all the shrapnel got embedded in her face. I don't like it.' :'''Richard:''' 'Dear Richard, I love piercings. They are part of who I am, literally. Tina in Weymouth.' <hr width="50%"/> :''(Nicola is now talking about her Fourth Sector Initiative.)'' :'''Nicola:''' What we would be looking for is getting people to inspire each other out of poverty, out of disadvantage. :'''Richard:''' ''(somewhat cynically)'' How can you be ''inspired'' out of poverty? :'''Nicola:''' Well, I'm choosing to ignore your rather cynical tone... :'''Richard:''' I'm not being cynical, Nicola Murray. It's a perfectly legitimate question. How can you be inspired out of poverty? :'''Nicola:''' Okay, you are being cynical, but anyway, we'll park that. Um, one of our initiatives is to designate certain people as fourth sector pathfinders. Now they would be pillars of a normal community. :'''Richard:''' Are you talking about "have-a-go heroes," for example? :'''Nicola:''' No, we're talking about everyday heroes. :'''Richard:''' I assume you'd want to avoid Charles Bronson-style vigilantes? :'''Nicola:''' ''(chuckling)'' Oh, yes. Yes, we don't, we don't want [[wikipedia:Charles Bronson|Charles Bronson]]. More, more, Charles, uh...Dance. :'''Richard:''' Okay. :'''Peter:''' Or Chaplin, yeah? <hr width="50%"/> :''(Suddenly, Glenn's cell phone goes off in the control room.)'' :'''Janice:''' ''(the show's producer, to Glenn)'' Out! :'''Glenn:''' Alright! :'''Phil:''' Is that Nicola's doctor? Probably trying to book a circumcision. :''(Glenn goes out of the control room to answer his phone.)'' :'''Glenn:''' Malcolm? :'''Malcolm:''' Are you producing porno now for the visually impaired? :'''Glenn:''' Wh– What? :'''Malcolm:''' Because what I'm hearing here, on my radio, is Nicola Murray being roundly fucked. What is this, [[wikipedia:Bukkake|Bukkake]] [[wikipedia:Book_at_Bedtime|at Bedtime]]? Just, fu– put Ollie on. :'''Glenn:''' Ollie, erm – Well he's not here, he's at home. :'''Malcolm:''' Tell that fucking stick of celery to get his arse out of there, and get down to 5 Live right now. Tell him to inject some energy into Nicola's performance. At the moment, she's coming across like a Nazi float at the fucking [[wikipedia:Notting_Hill_Carnival|Notting Hill Carnival]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Peter:''' It seems to me what I call a "political meringue." Uh...sweet but, uh, lightweight and very little substance. :''(Meanwhile, in the control room...)'' :'''Phil:''' ''(clapping)'' He's like bloody [[wikipedia:Peter Ustinov|Ustinov]], isn't he? :'''Terri:''' Uh, it's just such an old joke. Can you just please get out? :'''Janice:''' ''(to both Phil AND Terri)'' Yeah. Okay, right. Can you just both fucking get out of the studio now? You and fucking Rupert Brooke, just out! :''(Meanwhile, Richard Bacon continues talking to Peter)'' :'''Richard:''' I know exactly what you mean. The other day, the BBC sent me on a Health & Safety away day, where they taught me how to carry a cup of coffee. :'''Peter:''' ''(laughing)'' This, this is exactly what I mean. That makes no sense. That's nonsense, and uh... and we need to say no to the nanny state, uh, "boo" to nanny, and claw back some personal responsibility in the name of common sense. :'''Richard:''' We need to...Hang on, we need to say boo to nanny? :'''Peter:''' Yeah, it's just a play on [[wikipedia:Jools Holland|Jools Holland]]'s Hootenanny. (stuttering) I-I, I didn't write it, it's not... :'''Richard:''' Right. :'''Peter:''' But, you know...Hey nanny no. :'''Richard:''' Right. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Glenn:''' Oh hello, nice dinner? :'''Emma:''' Fuck off, [[wikipedia:Bagpuss|Bagpuss]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Phil spots Emma in the green room. Terri is also in there.)'' :'''Phil:''' Hey, that was quick. Did you tell him? :'''Emma:''' Kind of. He's getting the message. :'''Phil:''' Look, I couldn't say while you were together, but I really don't know what you saw in him. :'''Emma:''' You told me all the time how much you hated him. That was one of the main reasons I went out with him so long. :'''Terri:''' ''(to Emma)'' Are you splitting up with Ollie? :'''Emma:''' Sorry, can you actually hear all right over there? I can pop into the studio and get some microphones so you can get all the details. :'''Terri:''' No, I can hear fine. Yes, no, I think that's a really good idea. I mean, for your sake. I'd back you up on that. :'''Emma:''' ''(pleased)'' What, I have your backing? Oh, fantastic. Thanks. :'''Phil:''' Hey, Emma, look, you're clearly overemotional right now. Why don't you go home, you know, drink some mojitos with your girlfriends and talk about shoes? I've got it covered here. :'''Emma:''' Yeah. Well, actually, Stewart called me in because he wanted me to SatNav Peter out of the dead end you've driven him into. So, perhaps you should piss off and read that ''[[wikipedia:Marie Claire|Marie Claire]]'' you nicked off me. <hr width="50%"/> :''(And then, Phil's cell phone rings again -- and once again, Stewart's on the other line.)'' :'''Phil:''' ''(answering his cell phone)'' Hi, Stewart. He's great, isn't he? :'''Stewart:''' "Boo to nanny?" Phil, no one watches Jools Holland, yeah? We need to be appealing to ''One Show'' man and ''Holby City'' woman. :'''Emma:''' What's he saying? :'''Phil:''' Just shut up, Emma. The men are talking? :'''Stewart:''' Is Emma there? :'''Phil:''' Yes, she is here. :'''Stewart:''' Thank God! Put her on, Phil. :''(Emma gets on the cell phone to talk to Stewart.)'' :'''Emma:''' Stewart, hi. :'''Stewart:''' This is the brief. Got a pen? :'''Emma:''' Yeah, hang on. ''(to Phil)'' Have you got a pen? :'''Phil:''' Yeah, you're not having it. :'''Terri:''' ''(to Emma)'' Do you need a pen? :'''Emma:''' Uh, I do, thanks. ''(to Stewart)'' Sorry, Stewart, hang on. :'''Stewart:''' Why don't you have one just sellotaped to your chin, Emma? Write this down! Write on his shirt! Just write it down! :''(Phil tries to take the pen from Emma, but Emma's not messing around.)'' :'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' I'm serious. :'''Stewart:''' ''(to Emma)'' Are you listening to Daddy? :'''Emma:''' Okay. :'''Stewart:''' I want you to pull some info, right? On city bonuses, tax evasion, non-doms. Let's name and shame some fat cats! I want to hear some fact-enforced noise! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Ollie arrives at the BBC Building.)'' :'''Ollie:''' Many thanks, Glenn. :'''Glenn:''' What? :'''Ollie:''' For getting me in on my special night off. Emma was furious when I said I was coming in here, she was moaning, she was screaming, and then I said I was coming in here. Do you see what I did? :'''Glenn:''' ''(smiling mockingly)'' I see. :'''Ollie:''' It was a joke about my sexual prowess. :''(But then, Ollie sees Emma.)'' :'''Ollie:''' What the fuck are you doing here? :'''Emma:''' Oh, I'm having an affair with Richard Bacon. I'm incredibly aroused by men with meat in their surname. :'''Ollie:''' You. You told me...I cooked a lovely meal... :'''Emma:''' Ordered. And it wasn't lovely. :'''Ollie:''' What the fuck's going on? :''(Emma's cell phone rings)'' :'''Emma:''' Sorry, I've got to take this. I'll talk to you later. :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' So! She DID come! She came into work! Do you see what I did there? :'''Ollie:''' Fuck off, Glenn. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Nicola is accusing Peter and his party of blocking initiatives that would allow bonuses to the so-called "fat cats.")'' :'''Nicola:'''...when you yourself where actually in cabinet. We have tried repeatedly to initiate legislation which will outlaw these bonuses. Now, your party has persistently blocked those attempts. :'''Richard:''' I think it's an interesting point. What do you say, Peter Mannion, to the accusation that these huge bonuses and the offense that they cause are the fault of your party? :'''Peter:''' I think that's a completely fatuous argument when Nicola's party has been in government for what seems like about a century, and bonuses under their watch have increased...What? Five fold? Oh, dear! Come on, Nicola. Pull your finger out. :'''Nicola:''' Okay, fine. So you personally would like to see more done to hit the fat cats? :'''Richard:''' ''(to Peter)'' Is that what you're saying? :'''Peter:''' ''(stammering)'' Well, yes-yes. I...I would. If the person receiving the bonus hasn't performed well... :'''Richard:''' Can I, can I simplify that? Let me simplify this. Would you outlaw bonuses? :'''Peter:''' ''(still stuttering)'' In the case of them being undeserved, yes... :'''Nicola:''' Which the bulk of them are, so basically you're saying the bulk of your friends in the city are disgusting. :'''Peter:''' ''(confused)'' No, no, no. Yes, yes, but only if the bonuses they receive are unfair. :'''Richard:''' I think, well, I think we've got -- It's alright. I think we've got your point. Uh, thank you. Let's move on. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Phil enters the green room)'' :'''Ollie:''' Right, if you speak to me, I will pour hot coffee on your balls. :'''Phil:''' Hey, guy, I don't want to fight. I want to clear the air, actually. We're like those two little old people in the [[wikipedia:Weather_house|weathercock]]: you come out, I'm in there, and we're swapping round. :'''Ollie:''' You're Mr. Sunshine, are you? :'''Phil:''' I'm Mr. Sunshine! :'''Ollie:''' You're a little wooden twat, in a little wooden house. :'''Phil:''' Come on, there's no need – we can be friends! I'm thinking two enemies, they come together when they realise it is no more. Aragorn and Boromir! Me: Aragorn, the true king. You: Boromir. [[wikipedia:Middle-earth_objects#Horn_of_Gondor|Your horn]] is broken, and will be blown no more. :'''Ollie:''' This inability to talk without using ''Lord of the Rings'' metaphors is one of the very ''many'' reasons that we could never be friends. :'''Phil:''' Okay. By the way, you'll be getting a bill. That's OK, though, I presume you're expecting that. :'''Ollie:''' ''(sighing)'' Okay, I'll bite. Why will I be getting a bill, Phil? :'''Phil:''' Ah, let me see, partial rent, electricity, gas, internet use, toilet paper...Kept a note every time you were round at the flat. :'''Ollie:''' You're moving out? Oh, that's a shame. I'll miss doing that secret and bad thing I did with your roll-on deodorant. :'''Phil:''' I'm not moving out. I'm just guessing that seeing how Emma's dumped you, you won't be coming round much any more. :'''Ollie:''' What? :'''Phil:''' Oh, let me just savor this moment. Thank you, God. She hasn't told you, has she? :'''Ollie:''' No, what? :'''Phil:''' She's dumped you. She did it tonight. :'''Ollie:''' No, no. She didn't do it tonight. :'''Phil:''' Let me get a little photo of this moment. Hey, new desktop picture here: Ollie being dumped! :''(Ollie doesn't appreciate being told of this bit of news by Phil.)'' :'''Ollie:''' Why would she tell you first, dickwad? :'''Phil:''' I've no idea, she told me to get out of the flat tonight so she could dump you. Anyway, in the words of [[wikipedia:Shakespears_Sister|Shakespears Sister]], ''(sings in falsetto)'' '[[wikipedia:You're_History|You're History]]'! ''(Ollie throws his coffee at Phil's groin)'' Ah, f– It's a dark suit and it's only lukewarm, I ''still'' win! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Richard is taking another call on his show)'' :'''Richard:''' James Henderson, what's your point? :'''Peter:''' Is that Jim Henderson from Clifton? :'''Richard:''' ''(surprised)'' You two know each other? :'''Peter:''' We've met. We know each other. :'''James:''' ''(talking to Peter on the phone line)'' We've met! Yes, we ''have'' met. I'm surprised to hear you turning on the city boys. Um, you never found the JFU donating huge wodges of cash to your party ''disgusting.'' :'''Peter:''' Well, that's a separate issue... :'''James:''' ''(continuing)'' Even though everyone knows they've got links with sweatshops. :'''Richard:''' Wow! :'''Peter:''' What? :'''Richard:''' Well, that's quite an extraordinary allegation, very serious. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(still in his office)'' YES! :'''Richard:''' ...links to sweatshops? :'''Peter:''' That should be looked into, but... :'''Malcolm:''' Oh, it's my birthday! :'''Peter:''' ...I don't know the facts. :'''James:''' I've just told you the facts! Are you calling me a liar? :'''Janice:''' I can't believe my ears, did we just break a story that wasn't 'the [[wikipedia:Ipswich_Town_F.C.|Ipswich]] manager just got sacked'?<hr width="50%" /> :'''Malcolm:''' ''(leaving his office)'' It's my birthday! ''(Offering someone a piece of cake)'' Cunt cake? Go ahead! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Stewart is on his cell phone, telling Emma he's coming down to the BBC Studios.)'' :'''Stewart:''' Right, Emma. Look, look, look, I'm just coming in. Okay? Yeah, look, I'll be 20 minutes, right? So see if you can get Peter to do something inoffensive for 20 minutes. Hard boil 4 eggs! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Meanwhile, in the green room...)'' :'''Emma:''' ''(in a bad mood)'' Great. :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Emma)'' You tell fucking Man at C&A that I'm dumped before I do, is that it? :'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' What's he talking about? :'''Phil:''' ''(to Emma)'' I thought he knew. :'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' Oh, you fucking twit! :'''Glenn:''' Do you mind keeping it down? Some of us are trying to listen. :'''Phil:''' I can fill you in: Peter's tearing through her like a Viking at a nunnery. :'''Glenn:''' If he's a Viking, he's [[wikipedia:Cnut_the_Great|King Cnut]]! :'''Phil:''' ''WHAT?'' :'''Glenn:''' Yes, he's drowning in the party donations. You should ''listen!'' :'''Phil:''' Bullshit! :''(Phil and Emma are listening on the radio. Ollie's trying to get Emma's attention.)'' :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Emma)'' You can't even fucking look at me! :'''Phil:''' We're trying to listen here now. :'''Ollie & Emma:''' Shut the fuck up, Phil! :''(And now, EVERYBODY'S arguing!)'' :'''Janice:''' ''(storming into the green room)'' OK, do you want to shut up? And if you lot don't keep this down, I'm gonna have you all ejected from the building. ''(points at Terri)'' You are the worst, my chair still smells of your perfume! :'''Terri:''' Excuse me! For the record, I have done nothing. :'''Glenn:''' Yes, that will be your epitaph, Terri. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Nicola and Glenn are celebrating just outside the green room)'' :'''Nicola:''' Great! Good! Yes! I'm cooking now. :'''Glenn:''' Cooking with gas! :'''Nicola:''' I'm fucking Delia Smith! I'm cracking eggs, I'm pouring in baking powder, I'm using fucking vanilla extract. It's great! :''(Peter is in the green room with Phil, trying to recover from his stumbles on 5 Live)'' :'''Peter:''' That was not good. That was the opposite of good. :'''Phil:''' Bad. :'''Peter:''' How do I counter? Have you heard of JFU? :'''Phil:''' I didn't actually hear that bit, so I don't know. :'''Peter:''' You couldn't hear? CHRIST! You're...''(Chuckling, looking at Nicola and Glenn outside)'' Sorry, it's just... :'''Peter:''' ''(to Phil)'' You're here to hear, Phil. Why do you think you're here? You're HERE to HEAR! You're not here for eye candy! :'''Phil:''' Look, it's not my fault. It was very noisy in here. Ollie and Emma were splitting up at the time, and I couldn't really focus... :'''Peter:''' ''Emma?'' ''Emma?'' Why is ''Emma'' here? :'''Phil:''' Stewart sent her down here. :'''Peter:''' ''(looking at Phil's trousers)'' ''Why have you got wet trousers?'' :'''Phil:''' Ollie threw coffee at me. :'''Peter:''' I'm sorry. I seemed to have wandered into some 1970s [[wikipedia:Ray Cooney|Ray Cooney]] farce. Is the vicar about to come around with [[wikipedia:Brian Rix|Brian Rix]] and [[wikipedia:Robin Askwith|Robin Askwith]]? :'''Janice:''' Right, back in. Headphones on ears, arses on chairs. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Meanwhile, Ollie and Emma are arguing in the hallway...and Terri's sitting just inches away from them.)'' :'''Emma:''' Ollie, we just, we don't make any time for each other any more. :'''Ollie:''' We're busy people. We work really, really hard. We work harder than Fat Pat's arteries. Of course we... :'''Terri:''' Did you used to make time for each other? I mean, I think that's the crucial question. :'''Emma:''' Sorry... :'''Ollie:''' Okay, just for a second, Aunt Terri, fuck off! :'''Terri:''' Where am I meant to go? :'''Ollie:''' Pretend you've got to go and have a shit or something. :'''Terri:''' ''(to Emma)'' You're going to be a lot better off without him. :'''Emma:''' What do you mean I'm going to be... :'''Ollie:''' You're not going to be better off... :'''Emma:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Sorry, have you...Do you talk about me at work? :'''Ollie:''' Oh, fuck this! This is like that nightmare I had about being on ''[[wikipedia:Loose Women|Loose Women]].'' :''(After Ollie walks away from the argument, however, he sees Glenn and Phil talking in the corner.)'' :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Phil)'' ...that one at all. I mean, everyone knows that Schumacher is Stig. :'''Phil:''' I think that was just publicity, just to keep it going. :'''Ollie:''' ''(to himself)'' Right. I'll go back to ''Loose Women.'' :'''Phil:''' ''(still talking to Glenn)'' Friend of mine thinks it's actually May, Hammond and Clarkson, purely 'cause Stig is an anagram of "gits." :'''Glenn:''' Oh, right. :''(Ollie is forced to go back to Emma and Terri's corner.)'' :'''Emma:''' I just don't think he should be talking about me at all, let alone things that are totally private. :'''Terri:''' No, I agree, I absolutely – ''(sees that Ollie has returned)'' Then the bank bonuses are very high, aren't they? :'''Ollie:''' I know you've been talking about me, Terri, because I've got this weird [[Derren Brown]] thing going on where I can see and hear things, Terri. :'''Emma:''' So, Ollie, what exactly have you been saying to them in the office about me? :'''Ollie:''' I've been saying, er, you smell of fennel, you're racist – :'''Emma:''' Funny. :'''Ollie:''' – you torture horses, and you're in [[wikipedia:The_Bangles|The Bangles]], that's what I've been saying about you at work. :'''Emma:''' See, I think you've been sexually bragging. :'''Ollie:''' Well, don't flatter yourself. :''(Stewart has finally entered the room.)'' :'''Stewart:''' ''(to Emma)'' Emma, I didn't send you here so you could chat about your sex life. I sent you here to back-block Peter's narrative, hmm? ''(Stewart then points to the Piercings Man)'' And what's happened to Phil? I mean, don't get me wrong, I like him, but I'm not seeing him in man-made fibers. :'''Emma:''' He's just drying his...He's drying his trousers. :''(Stewart's in quiet disbelief...)'' :'''Stewart:''' I don't want to know. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nicola:''' ''(seeing Stewart enter the control room)'' How perfect. Who should walk in... :'''Stewart:''' ''(to Janice)'' I'm Stewart Pearson, yeah? See the fat man that you're berating like he's a piñata? Well, I own him. :'''Richard:''' Peter Mannion, that's a fascinating development – :'''Peter''' ''(seeing Malcolm arrive)'': Oh! And as we speak, who should come rolling along the corridor but Malcolm Tucker, the man who was once referred to as the [[wikipedia:Gorbals|Gorbals]] [[Joseph Goebbels|Goebbels]]... :'''Stewart:''' Oh, don't do a joke. Peter, don't do a... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Richard:''' Peter Mannion, can you explain, please, why your party spin doctor has arrived entirely announced? :'''Peter:''' I would say it was an indication of how seriously our party is taking the allegations that we were... :'''Stewart:''' Don't say it again! :'''Peter:''' ...receiving donations from... :'''Richard:''' From a sweatshop labour company. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Stewart)'' Ooh! Did you prep him with this shit, yeah? :'''Stewart:''' Yeah, yeah, yeah. The last thing I said to him was go in there and bomb. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(chuckling)'' Well, it fucking worked. Usually, he comes across like, you know, just another third-rate Donald Sinden. But tonight, he's like a ventriloquist's dummy that's fucking falling to bits. :'''Stewart:''' Yeah, it's really nice to see you without those veins in your temples throbbing. :'''Malcolm:''' 'Cause you have really got your work cut out with him, haven't you? Look at the hair. You've got to do something. He's like fucking Swiss Toni. :'''Stewart:''' Yeah. Well, this is radio, Malcolm, but it's great to be getting this straight from you. Thanks. :'''Janice:''' Look, do you guys have to make so much noise? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Janice)'' I don't know if they told you this on your training day, love, but this is fucking soundproofed, that, they can't hear you. I mean, we're like Ted Moult to them. :'''Janice:''' Look, can you please get out? :'''Malcolm:''' No. Actually, we -- we are entitled to be in here. That lot, they should all be in here. All the political advisors should be in here. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm brings EVERYBODY into the Control Room!)'' :'''Malcolm:''' I just want to add to the party atmosphere. I'm perfectly entitled to this. :''(While Malcolm is doing this, Stewart is reading a text message off of Janice's computer screen)'' :'''Stewart:''' Gather round, everybody. There is a text here from Tim in Ruislip. This is what Tim's text says: "Nicola is a hypocrite. JFU also donate to the government. In fact, they donate twice as much as they do to the opposition." :'''Richard:''' ''(in the studio)'' Can I just say to the listeners at home, I have no idea what's going on now. We're in a studio, there's another room next door... :'''Malcolm:''' ''(pushing everybody out)'' We have to get out, right? Okay. Let's get, you know... :'''Stewart:''' What do you reckon, Malcolm? It seems like a big issue to me. :'''Malcolm:''' It's not. We're going to move on to piercings. :'''Stewart:''' ''(to Janice)'' Janice, I'm sure in the interest of balance, you'll want to... :'''Janice:''' Right, can you shut up, right? Malcolm's right, I decide what is news. :'''Malcolm:''' Absolutely. :'''Janice:''' And this is fucking news! :'''Malcolm:''' Bullshit! Right. See this here? ''(Malcolm goes to the "Shut Down" button.)'' You do it and I will press this fucking button. :'''Janice:''' Don't fucking threaten me! :'''Malcolm:''' This switch... :'''Janice:''' Richard, Tim in Ruislip. :'''Malcolm:''' You do that and I will... <hr width="50%"/> :''(Richard reads the text from "Tim in Ruislip," which turns the whole Murray-Mannion debate on its' head.)'' :'''Richard:''' We've just received this text message from Tim in Ruislip... :'''Stewart:''' ''(smiling)'' Ooh. She's actually put it through. :'''Richard:''' And he says, "Nicola is a hypocrite. JFU also donate to the government. In fact, they donate twice as much as they do to the opposition." :''(Malcolm is very upset with Janice for sending Tim's text message through to Richard's computer in the studio.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' That's your fucking career over, right, OK, you're fucking dead. And those three little words, 'Tim in [[wikipedia:Ruislip|Ruislip]]', are the fucking nails in your coffin, dear. ''(imitates hammering)'' Tim. In. Ruislip. Tim in fucking Ruislip. And as for Tim in fucking – :'''Janice:''' Yeah, okay, can you stop ''fucking saying that, please?'' :'''Malcolm:''' – FUCKING, fucking Ruislip, he's fucking dead as well! That fucking texting coward. Give me his number. What's his fucking number? Give me the fucking number of Tim in Ruislip. :'''Janice:''' ''(to her assistant)'' Erase it. Take it off the screen now. :'''Malcolm:''' If you don't give me his fucking number, do you know what I'm gonna have to do? I'm gonna have to fucking go to fucking Ruislip, and fucking snap the thumb and forefinger off of every single person I see, who I think resembles the kind of wanker that would be walking around in this day and fucking age with a name like fucking Tim! How do you think that sounds, huh? :'''Stewart:''' Quite, quite mad. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(whispering to Stewart)'' You and I have to have a word. :'''Stewart:''' ''(to Janice and her assistant)'' I think he wants me to step outside.<hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm is bossing everybody around, acting like he's the President of the BBC.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to the "Piercings Man")'' Right. You're on, mate. Come on. Get in there now. I want you in there rattling your fucking jewelry and talking about your fucking Prince Albert. Come on. :'''Stewart:''' ''(to Piercings Man)'' He doesn't actually work here. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to everybody else)'' Vamoose, you lot! Fucking vamoose! ''(to Piercings Man)'' Come on, Johnny fucking Depp. Get in here. :'''Piercings Man:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Get off! :'''Malcolm:''' I'll fucking shove a fucking magnet down your throat and watch your fucking face implode! Get in there! :''(The Piercings Man comes into the studio)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Here he is. Piercings. In you go. Sit down there, son, no problem, go ahead. :'''Richard:''' Now, I assume you're here for the piercings debate... <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm Tucker vs. Stewart Pearson: The Spin Doctor Showdown!)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Here's the fucking thing. Nobody talks about fucking dodgy donors, okay? Because it makes everybody look bad. :'''Stewart:''' Okay, I'll go with a different angle, then. How do you think it would land with your female voters if they were to find out that Tom Rudd forced his secretary into having an abortion? :'''Malcolm:''' That was her own personal choice, and by the way, it wasn't his. ''(whispers)'' Over here. :''(Malcolm and Stewart walk away from the studio)'' :'''Stewart:''' Wow! So him paying for a private clinic, then, was just because he's such a nice man? :'''Malcolm:''' He IS a nice man. What about your nice man at Central Planning, eh? The one who got a bit carried away and fucking slapped his kids about a little bit too much? Fucking broke the skin! But he wasn't such a nice man, was he? But I suppose that's just part of your "common sense checklist," yeah. All they need is a good slap and do please remember to leave your fucking rings on! :'''Stewart:''' You go check your facts, Malcolm. That was a domestic accident and nothing more. :'''Malcolm:''' Domestic accident, yeah, 'cause he's got fucking hands the size of fucking doors! :'''Stewart:''' Oh, you want to talk about hardmen, Malcolm, yeah? Now I know you've got to be hard to be a chief whip, but really, coke dealing at university? :'''Malcolm:''' Oh! Please, please! :'''Stewart:''' Hey, am I right in thinking he's now godfather to one of the PM's kids, yeah? :'''Malcolm:''' Listen, you know what I have got at the back of my fucking filing cabinet? I've got a fucking photograph that I've been waiting for a fucking ''rainy day'' to show everyone, which is a photograph of ''your'' fucking [[wikipedia:Shadow_Chancellor_of_the_Exchequer|Shadow Chancellor]], at one of his fucking parties, dressed up in fucking bra, suspenders, and fucking ''blackface!'' What's his defence gonna be, hey, when I email that to the fucking Sun? "Oh, well I am just de Shadow Chancellor"? :'''Stewart:''' Malcolm, he won't have a defense, because you haven't got that picture... :'''Malcolm:''' I have! :'''Stewart:''' Because that didn't happen! However, I do have a statement from a rent boy... :'''Malcolm:''' Oh, that's very useful for you. You can claim that against your expenses, can't you? :'''Stewart:''' Oh, yeah, funny, very funny. :'''Malcolm:''' And you'll get that for free. Is that one of the perks of your fucking job? :'''Stewart:''' No, listen. His statement says...he will swear that one of your prominent back-bench MPs paid him to sit on his chest! :'''Malcolm:''' DON'T! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm and Stewart actually reach a compromise.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Right, look, this is out of order, okay? :'''Stewart:''' Here's the deal. We both, both make statements saying that our guys in there, they were not in possession of all the facts. Hmm? But we're looking into it. :'''Malcolm:''' You'd do that? Hang your own guy out to fucking dry? :'''Stewart:''' What? Peter Mannion, MP? Yeah! Old guard? We're not sending him to DoSac to fatten him up. We're putting him out to pasture, Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' We should just go home. :'''Stewart:''' We can do that. We can just seal this in. Contain the toxicity. Chernobyl FM. :'''Malcolm:''' I mean, you carry on like this and I might not find you utterly fucking contemptible. :'''Stewart:''' That's an incentive. I'll get my bag. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm listens to the radio as he leaves in Nicola's car.)'' :'''Richard:''' Andrew in Suffolk writes, 'The body is a temple. Temples aren't made of metal. Case closed.' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola's driver)'' You couldn't turn that to [[wikipedia:Magic_(Radio)|Magic FM]], could you mate? Otherwise I'm gonna have to tear my eyelids off and scrunch them up into fucking earplugs. <hr width="50%"/> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Phil:''' You just start off about how great the City used to be, then how it's not so great now, and then end with a joke. It's the classic shit sandwich, you know: bread, shit, bread! :'''Peter:''' Phil, if anyone bites into a shit sandwich, they don't say, 'Mmm, bread!', they say, 'Oh fuck, I've got a mouthful of shit! ''(Janice the producer shoves him into the studio)'' You mental bastard! Why have you filled my sandwich with shi–' == Series 3, Episode 6 == :''(This is the opening scene of this episode.)'' :'''Glenn:''' Morning, Ollie. How's your head? Like a bat shat in it at all? :'''Ollie:''' No, I am, if anything, Glenn, I am hung-''under.'' First DoSAC party under the new regime, you lasted 'til, I'd say, seven? :'''Glenn:''' Yeah, well, I do have a life, Ollie. :'''Ollie:''' Yes, but only in the way that, you know, jellyfish or athlete's foot have a life. What was it last night, then? Candlelit annivorcery dinner for one? :''(Terri enters the scene carrying a large plant.)'' :'''Terri:''' Morning. :'''Ollie:''' Hello. (Ollie's curious...) Terri, what actually are you up to? Are you still drunk? :'''Terri:''' No, I had to get in early anyway, because this BBC man's coming. :''(Ollie notices that Terri's wearing trainers!) :'''Ollie:''' Are you wearing trainers? You ''ARE'' wearing trainers! :'''Terri:''' Yes. :'''Glenn:''' Yes. :'''Ollie:''' ''(laughing)'' If Signal toothpaste made trainers, that's what they'd look like. :'''Terri:''' Well, I don't see there's any... :'''Ollie:''' ''(pointing at Terri's trainers)'' This color for healthy breath... :''(Nicola enters the scene, and she's...a little hungover.)'' :'''Nicola:''' Morning, morning. :'''Terri:''' Do please let me... :''(Terri helps Nicola by taking her suitcase.)'' :'''Nicola:''' Thank you very much. :'''Terri:''' Would you like me to take your coffee? :'''Nicola:''' Oh, no. I'm clinging on to that for dear life, I tell you. :'''Terri:''' Well, it will dehydrate you. :'''Nicola:''' Good-o. :'''Ollie:''' Mojito Murray, they now call her. You know, they had to install speed bumps at the bar. She's like Gazza at Euro '96. :''(Ollie mimics somebody getting drunk.)'' :'''Nicola:''' I really love the division of labour in this place. I like the way the women do the heavy lifting and the men do the heavy sarcasm. <hr width="50%"/> :''(While Nicola is conducting an interview with a BBC reporter regarding Nicola's launch of her Fourth Sector Initiative, Glenn and Ollie are discussing the Prime Minister's world tour.)'' :'''Ollie:''' So why is the PM doing this world tour thing? What's the point of that? I mean, he's not easy on the world stage, is he? He walks like his dick's made of glass, you know? Is it a Malc plan? :'''Glenn:''' Could be? Or, you know, Steve Fleming's back, it could be him. :'''Ollie:''' Well, if he's back, it really is the end, isn't it? What are you gonna do when the shit goes down, then? :'''Glenn:''' Oh, plenty of options, Ollie. :'''Ollie:''' You could be a Beefeater. Do you want to be a Beefeater? :'''Glenn:''' Don't you worry about me, Ollie. I've got contacts. :'''Ollie:''' What do you mean, "Don't worry about me"? Are you big in Japan or something? :''(Glenn gives Ollie a wide, sly smile.)'' :'''Ollie:''' What? What's that smile for? Do you need winding? :''(And then, Glenn shares a BIG surprise with Ollie.)'' :'''Glenn:''' I'm going to stand in the election. :'''Ollie:''' (surprised indeed) Are you...Are you serious? :'''Glenn:''' I should hear later today whether or not I've got enough support for the Ilford East long list. :'''Ollie:''' Fucking hell. You on a massive poster. What's your slogan going to be? "He's old and sullen, vote for Cullen." How about that? :'''Glenn:''' Actually...I'm pretty excited about this. :'''Ollie:''' Sort of hard to take on board. It's like being told your dad's gay or something. (Glenn laughs while Ollie continues) I am strangely really proud of you. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Nicola's interview didn't go as well as she wanted it to, and now...Ollie's got some more bad news for her.)'' :'''Ollie:''' Right, so Ben Swain, the man you love to hate and love to sack, actually, is on his way up. :'''Nicola:''' Oh great, I'm flypaper for dickheads today. Right, I'm gonna get out of this funeral suit and chisel off the first three inches of makeup. ''(leaves)'' :'''Glenn:''' ''(seeing Ben arrive)'' Ah, the prodigal Swain returns. :'''Ollie:''' [[wikipedia:Ben_10|Ben 10]], [[wikipedia:Menstrual_cycle|Benstrual cycle]], [[wikipedia:Born_on_the_Fourth_of_July|Ben on the Fourth of July]]! :'''Ben:''' [[wikipedia:Polly_Put_the_Kettle_On|Ollie Put the Kettle On]], [[wikipedia:On_the_Good_Ship_Lollipop|On the Good Ship Ollie-pop]], [[wikipedia:Auld_Lang_Syne|Oll-d Lang Syne]]. :'''Ollie:''' How are things going at the Department of [[wikipedia:Tony_Blair#Leader_of_the_Opposition|Education Education Education]]? :'''Ben:''' They're going up the fuck-pump, Ollie, mainly because you are the Robin Hood of politics. :'''Ollie:''' Well, Robin Hood was a hero. :'''Ben:''' No, he was not a hero, he was a terrorist. You're just stealing from the Education Department and pumping it out as a DoSAC idea. This Back On Track Policy that you launched at your little chimps' tea party last night? Well, that sounds very similar -- ''Very, very sim'' -- Almost identical in fact -- to my Unify Policy that I ''was'' working on here until I was booted out by Knicker-Face. Right, where is Jenni Murray? :'''Ollie:''' No. Well, she's -- I really wouldn't go in... :''(Ben barges in on Nicola in her office -- while she's changing her clothes!)'' :'''Nicola:''' OH! :'''Ben:''' JESUS! :'''Ollie:''' Yes. She's just been doing an interview there, Ben. :'''Ben:''' What? An interview for what? [[wikipedia:FHM|FHM]]? What's she done to her face? She looks like a pissed Aunt Sally. :''(Nicola comes out of her office, and Ben tries to apologize for his rudeness.)'' :'''Nicola:''' ''(to Ben)'' Yeah, I really... :'''Ben:''' I'm very sorry again... :'''Nicola:''' Let's not talk about it ever again. :'''Ben:''' I will forget... :'''Nicola:''' Right. What do you want? :'''Ben:''' ...everything I've seen. Now, Back On Track, it is exactly the same as my Unify Initiative. I know you don't like me, you made that as clear as fish piss by kicking me out of here 10 nanoseconds after you arrived. :''(Ollie's cell phone has started ringing.)'' :'''Ollie:''' Malcolm's calling. I thought he was supposed to be sluicing sand out of Tom's thong in Ibiza or wherever they've got to. :'''Nicola:''' He is, he's away. He's in Spain. Just ignore, ignore Malcolm. :'''Ollie:''' Ignore Malcolm? :'''Nicola:''' Yeah, what can he do? :''(Malcolm is entering the scene on his cell phone. As he enters, he's leaving an odd message on Ollie's cell phone.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Ollie, mate. Ollie, you're not answering your phone and I'm getting really, really worried that you hurt yourself. I just keep getting these terrible images flashing in my head, you know. Of you being stabbed repeatedly in the face. Or of you in a coma on a life-support machine, dreaming about being a gay policeman in the 1970s. :''(But then, Malcolm looks up to see Ollie. Alive and well.)'' :'''Ollie:''' Malcolm, I can explain. :'''Malcolm:''' Ollie. Thank God that you're safe. :''(But just as it looks like Malcolm's getting ready to hug Ollie, Malcolm rudely holds up a mock "Peace" sign and points to Ollie's phone.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' That's from me, [[wikipedia:Zac Efron|Cack Efron]]. ''(Malcolm then notices Ben)'' What's Giant Gaystacks doing here? :'''Ben:''' Um, I'm here, Malcolm, because Nicola has been nicking my policies through Ollie. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Is this true, the Little Man in the Red and Yellow Car? :'''Ollie:''' No. :'''Nicola:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' I've been told by Steve Fleming to think the unthinkable. :'''Malcolm:''' Well, listen, ''I'' am telling you to ''un''-think the unthinkable – Shit, you can't even cope with thinking the thinkable. :'''Nicola:''' Why are you even here? :'''Terri:''' (jogging her way towards Malcolm) Hello, Malcolm. Oh, you look a bit tired. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Terri)'' Yeah. You look incompetent. :'''Terri:''' Yeah, tired and a wee bit grumpy. :'''Malcolm:''' Well, actually, [[wikipedia:Lucille Ball|Lucille Ballbag]], I am here to prep Nicola here for her BBC interview. :'''Nicola:''' A bit late for that. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm has to restart the conversation with Nicola and Terri in Nicola's office.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Terri)'' Terri, I fucking e-mailed you and I told you to move it to later, because I wanted to administer a preparatory fucking verbal cosh. Right? :'''Terri:''' Well... :'''Malcolm:''' And there it is. (Malcolm is looking at the e-mail on his cell phone.) It didn't fuck -- It didn't fucking send! :'''Terri:''' Ah! :'''Malcolm:''' It didn't send, right? :'''Terri:''' There you go. You just owe me an apology, that's all. :'''Malcolm:''' (insulted) I'm sorry? :'''Nicola:''' That's the one. :'''Malcolm:''' That wasn't an apology. That was a "pardon?" I'm sorry. :'''Nicola:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Why aren't you on the Tom tour, by the way? :'''Terri:''' Yeah, I heard Steve Fleming was on the tour. Hmm. Big beast. :'''Malcolm:''' Tiny fucking rodent, more like. He's part of the larger problem. :'''Nicola:''' Which is? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Have you been at Number 10 lately? Jesus, it's like the break-up of the Beatles, right? During the fall of the Roman Empire, while fucking [[wikipedia:Katie_Price|Jordan]]'s getting divorced from [[wikipedia:Peter_Andre|that bloke]]. All happening at the same time in a tiny fucking terraced house, yeah? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' Right, people, listen up! It's a fucking lockdown, right now! :'''Nicola:''' Oh, come off it! We're not in a prison drama, are we? :'''Malcolm:''' We are in a prison drama and this is the fucking [[The Shawshank Redemption|''Shawshank Redemption'']], right? But with more tunnelling through shit and no fucking redemption.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Malcolm:''' Is that trainers that she's wearing? ''(to Terri)'' Are you wearing fucking train– You're supposed to be a civil servant, not a fucking playgroup assistant. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ben:''' It's like wet play, isn't it? :'''Ollie:''' Hah! :'''Glenn''' ''(playing chess over the phone, with a miniature chessboard)'': Queen to knight 4. :'''Ben:''' I never had you down as a chess man, Glenn, I thought you might be more the kind to play Ludo or something. :'''Glenn:''' Do you mind? :'''Ben:''' Oh what, can you not multitask, [[wikipedia:Deep_Blue_(chess_computer)|Deep Beige]]? ''(He and Ollie laugh)'' :'''Glenn:''' What, check? Oh, fuck you! :'''Ben:''' Well, you know, politics is like a game of chess, Glenn, insofar as you're shit at both of them.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Malcolm''' ''(answering his mobile)'': Nicola Murray is not going to make a leadership announcement this evening. Permission to speak frankly and off the record, yeah? She's an idiot. I ''know'' that she's in the Cabinet, but look, that's like being disabled at a football match, yeah? I mean, she's very close to the action, but hardly likely to score a goal. That – No! That – How is that offensive? That is a very fair and accurate portrayal of just how fucking retarded she is.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Nicola:''' Are you emailing? Are you stirring this up? Is that why you came into DoSAC today: did you have a big bucket of shit and a whisk? :'''Ben:''' No. ''(beat)'' Yes, a bit. :'''Nicola:''' What are you saying? :'''Ben:''' Just, you know, 'Joan Rivers wants to be the new Prime Minister. Have a look at this clip of her online, staking her bid.' :'''Nicola:''' You treacherous shit. :'''Ben:''' Come on, it's not my fault you've dressed up like a dead geisha. :'''Nicola:''' Why are you doing this? :'''Ben:''' Because I'm bored, it's funny and – and I hate you. There you are, the holy trinity of why. :'''Nicola:''' Do you know, talking to you is like talking to a fucking whoopee cushion! :'''Terri:''' Right. Bit of good news. :'''Glenn:''' What? :'''Terri:''' ''Two'' bits, actually. Um... :'''Malcolm:''' Enough. Can we all just shut the fuck up, okay? So we can gather our thoughts. So, one at a time. [[wikipedia:Private_Godfrey|Private Godfrey]], get to your station. ''(Glenn runs to his desk)'' I want to hear what the word is on the street. :'''Glenn:''' All right, ''(reporting from his computer)'' 'Ben has been seen coming into DoSAC but not going out. Possibly Ben is her running mate as number two in a leadership bid.' :'''Ben:''' Hah! Right, I don't mind going out there now and telling them all face to face just how much I hate Nicola and how unlikely that is to happen, and get myself a sandwich, I'm fucking starving – :'''Malcolm:''' What did I just fucking say, what did I just fucking say? I said one at a fucking time. Stand up. ''(Ben does not stand)'' I'm telling you to fucking stand up, you sack of fucking cum! Stand the fuck up! ''(Ben stands)'' Fucking move, right. ''(Malcolm grabs a keyboard)'' See that? Fucking play with that, right? Never mind your fucking toys, play with that. ''(Malcolm hands Ben the keyboard and pushes him)'' Go and stand in that fucking corner. ''Stand over there, right? And do not move, or I will perform a fucking living fucking autopsy on you! With a fucking rusty spade, and I'll have your kidneys for fucking CUFFLINKS!''<hr width="50%" /> :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ben)'' See, you? Get me a fucking [[wikipedia:Curly_Wurly|Curly Wurly]], right? :''(Shortly afterwards, Ben gives Malcolm a Curly Wurly.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' It's a classic Curly Wurly I wanted. A Curly Wurly should be the size of a small ladder. :'''Ben:''' Your hands have got bigger. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nicola:''' That was utterly humiliating. For fuck's sake, Malcolm! :'''Malcolm:''' Shouldn't that be 'of fuck's sake'? :'''Nicola:''' I don't know what you're talking about. :'''Malcolm:''' May I just quote it to you? 'The Prime Minister is the right man ''for'' the moment.' :'''Nicola:''' Yeah. That's what you told me to say. :'''Malcolm''': ''Of'' the moment, ''of'' the moment, I told you to say '<nowiki/>'''''<nowiki/>'''of'' the fucking moment': there's a huge difference between me saying to you, 'Nicola, I would like to go'' for'' a lovely walk with you', and 'Nicola, I would like to make a hat out'' of'' your fucking entrails!' ''(And then, Malcolm's cell phone rings. Again.)'' Excuse me. :''(Who's on Malcolm's cell phone NOW?)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Steven. ''(beat)'' Yes, well you can tell Tom right now that I'm fucking sweating embryos for him, okay? <hr width="50%" /> :'''Ben:''' Look at this! Takeaway and a fight. All I need now is a handjob in a bus shelter, I've had the great British night out. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nicola:''' Jesus, you're about as on the ball today as a dead seal! :'''Malcolm:''' Hey, that's one of my fucking lines! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' Terri, I thought we had a deal, right? When I need your advice I'll give you the special signal, which is me [[wikipedia:Involuntary_commitment_internationally#United_Kingdom|being sectioned under the fucking Mental Health Act]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' How fucking dare you. Have you any idea of the amount of pressure that has been exerted on my skull, huh? It feels like my brain has been fucking emptied into little packets, into fucking crisp packets. Cheese and onion fucking crisp packets, that contain my living, breathing, fucking brain! :'''Terri:''' Malcolm, I'm really sorry, I – :'''Malcolm:''' ''And these crisp packets'' – cheese and onion, smoky bacon – they've been stomped on. They've been fucking stomped on! By Ben, fucking Nicola – :'''Terri:''' I didn't mean to be horrid – :'''Malcolm:''' AND FUCKING YOU! :''(long silence)'' :'''Malcolm:''' I'm sorry. :'''Terri:''' ''I'm'' sorry. :'''Malcolm:''' ''I'm'' sorry. :'''Terri:''' I'm sorry. :'''Malcolm:''' No, I'm over it, okay? Don't you apologise, don't you fucking apologise, you don't need to apologise. I love this place. I do! I mean, fucking compared to Number 10, this place, this place is fucking tranquil, yeah? Over there, 300 yards down the road, I mean it's like a fucking cancer ward: I mean, there are people in there, they're fucking screaming at each other. They're screaming, 'You gave me this fucking disease. You gave me this fucking disease!' And every corner that I turn, there's another threat, Terri: hacks! Hacks, fucking vampire hacks! And they're slaughtering us, Terri, THEY ARE FUCKING SLAUGHTERING US, AND THEY WANT MY FACE FOR A FLANNEL! :'''Terri:''' Yeah. :'''Malcolm:''' And you know what? I used to be the fucking pharaoh, Terri, I used to be the fucking pharaoh! Now I'm fucking floundering in a fucking Nile of shit! But I am gonna fashion a paddle out of that shit. Yeah? :'''Terri:''' Mmm. Good idea. :'''Malcolm:''' I'm not going down. I am not going down. Yeah? :'''Terri:''' ''(whispers)'' Yeah. :'''Malcolm:''' How are you feeling about things? :'''Terri:''' Well, you know, I'm just trying to do my best and, you know, make sure I can still get home by six o'clock. Do you want a huggle? :'''Malcolm:''' No, I think – That's nice of you, I really appreciate it. Terri, it's been nice to have a chat, but I've gotta get on. :'''Terri:''' Okay. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. Let's get back on track. :'''Terri:''' Get back on track. :''(both leave the room)'' :'''Malcolm:''' As they say, right? :'''Terri:''' Funny to use that phrase. :'''Malcolm:''' All righty-o, okay, Nicola, let's see you in your office, please. :'''Ollie:''' What did he say? :'''Terri:''' Dunno, it was all about ancient Egypt. :'''Ollie:''' Ancient Egypt? :'''Terri:''' Yeah. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Nicola's Fourth Sector Initiative launch speech has bombed...and that's not the only thing that's bombed)'' :'''Glenn:''' Uh, sorry I missed it. Did it go well? :'''Nicola:''' Nope. :'''Glenn:''' Well, uh, more good news. Um...I'm afraid my chances of becoming an MP have been torpedoed...by the U-boat that was you. The selection committee decided that my association with you was too divisive. :'''Ollie:''' The dream is over, eh? :'''Malcolm:''' I'm devastated. I had 500 quid on you being the new Foreign Secretary. :'''Ollie:''' Uh, it's a great loss to regional politics, for sure. :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Nicola)'' By flying so close to your bright Sun like Icarus, I have crashed to the Earth and died. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' Ladies and Gentlemen, the dirty protest is now over; please mop up your shit and fuck off home. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' Make sure fucking Nicola doesn't top herself, eh? :'''Terri:''' Yeah, sure. :'''Malcolm:''' Make sure that Ben does.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Ollie:''' What are you gonna do when the shit goes down, then? :'''Glenn:''' Oh, plenty of options, Ollie. :'''Ollie:''' Really, have you really, you've got plenty of options, have you? ''(Glenn nods.)'' What are those options, let's see, you can't – you can't hold a golf sale sign because of your back, you can't be a prostitute 'cause your waterworks aren't up to it, you can't be a drugs mule, 'cause of your arse, that's too slack, isn't it, so what does that leave you with, you could be – Local weatherman would be perfect; or, er, you could run a whelk stall, how about that? You could be a dinner lady or a [[wikipedia:Speed_bump#Speed_bumps|sleeping policeman]], actually on the road: just lie down, let the cars – You could become one of those people who manipulates their cock and balls into funny shapes for the paying public, it would be nice for them to have a little run out. Or, you could just basically walk into a hospice, and wait to kark it.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Malcolm:''' That's from me, Cack Efron. It's a coded message basically telling you that, if you ignore me or my fucking calls again, I'll fucking rip your head off, right? I'll fucking plant a palm tree in your neck, and I'll fuck you fucking tenderly in its shade! :'''Ollie:''' I can tell you've been away, your threats are including palm trees now.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Jesus Christ, [[Crosby, Stills & Nash|Crosby, Still, Nash and fucking Young]] – Look at the lot of you, it's like walking into an installation at the [[wikipedia:Tate_Britain|Tate Gallery]] that everybody's forgotten about. ==Series 3, Episode 7== :''(At the start of this episode, Nicola and her team are getting ready to launch DoSAC's Healthy Choices Campaign. The scene starts with a delivery man delivering big bottles of water.)'' :'''Glenn:''' ''(to the delivery man, chuckling)'' Oh, that's great. Don't know why we've ordered so much water. We've all got rabies. :'''Nicola:''' ''(on her cell phone)'' So, basically, just get crisps shaped like rockets, rainbow-colored ice cream, you know the stuff that all the other kids have at their parties. :''(MORE big bottles of water!)'' :'''Glenn:''' (surprised) Blimey! More? What are we doing? Opening a dolphinarium? :'''Nicola:''' (off her phone) Good. Sorted. So...Sorry about that. Where were we? :'''Glenn:''' Uh, healthy eating. :'''Terri:''' Beneficial Lifestyle Choices. :'''Ollie:''' Get in! :'''Glenn:''' What? :'''Ollie:''' (happily) I've just landed Andy Murray. :'''Nicola:''' YAY! That's brilliant! Andy Murray? :'''Ollie:''' I've definitely got Andy Murray! :'''Nicola:''' Andy Murray, the face of Healthy Choices. :'''Glenn:''' Oh, all right. :'''Terri:''' The tennis player? :'''Ollie:''' (sarcastically) No, the fucking pianist. :'''Nicola:''' Nicola Murray ''NETS'' Andy Murray! :'''Ollie:''' Well, we both netted him together. :'''Terri:''' Are you sure you want him? :'''Nicola:''' Uh, yeah! :'''Terri:''' Murray? ''(beat)'' Doesn't it sound like nepotism? :'''Nicola:''' (Not appreciating Terri's criticism) Like, in the way people think Russ and Diane Abbott are related? :'''Ollie:''' Yeah. :'''Terri:''' Possibly. :'''Glenn:''' And Bill Murray's her father? :'''Terri:''' Okay, I'll level with you. I don't like him. :'''Nicola:''' (annoyed) Who would you suggest then, Terri? :'''Terri:''' Paula Radcliffe. :'''Ollie:''' ''Pooey Paula?'' That's not healthy. Shitting in your own pants, that's definitely not a healthy image. :'''Glenn:''' She could demonstrate how to do the Hop, Shit and Jump. :'''Terri:''' That is very unfair. It only happened once. :'''Ollie:''' Once is all you need! Imagine if Bruce Forsyth, beginning of ''Strictly Come Dancing...'' (Ollie pretends to poop) "There we go!" You'd never hear the end of that. And quite rightly! :'''Nicola:''' Terri, can we move on from your hatred of Andy Murray, and can we start trailing a major DoSAC initiative? Now, don't give any details at this stage. Just say it's major TBA. :'''Terri:''' TBA? :'''Nicola:''' To be announced. :'''Terri:''' Oh, just... :'''Nicola:''' It's really self-defeating if I have to explain abbreviations to you. :'''Terri:''' Sure, sure... :'''Nicola:''' FFS. :'''Terri:''' ''(to Glenn and Ollie)'' What's FFS? :'''Glenn:''' Oh, for fuck... :'''Nicola:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Oh, we're gonna need Malcolm clearance, Ollie. Okay? ''(to Glenn)'' Glenn, can you get rid of all this water as well? It looks like something out of fucking [[wikipedia:Doctor Who|Doctor Who]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Meanwhile, Malcolm is at home serving Indian food to some journalists.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Here they come, it's the [[wikipedia:Flying_Scotsman|Flying Scots-curry-man]]. ''(sings)'' 'Where's your pappadam?' You have got to try this aubergine, it's cooked in [[wikipedia:Ghee|ghee]], right? I fucking love ghee, it's like fucking [[wikipedia:Free_base|freebasing]] butter. Have some more wine, come on, get quaffing. ''(mobile rings)'' Christ, here we go. ''(answers)'' No, we don't do takeaway, right? ''(all laugh, as Malcolm walks away)'' Listen, see, if this is recorded spam, I'm gonna hunt you down and burst your fucking lungs. :'''Ollie''' ''(at his desk)'': Where actually are you, Malcolm? :'''Malcolm:''' I'm on holidays! :'''Ollie:''' ''Where'' are you on holiday, where? :'''Malcolm:''' Right, OK, I'm in Thailand, in a sex spa. About to get a fucking facial. :'''Ollie:''' Right, quick summary: [[Andy Murray]], famous tennis player, also lovely Scotch person, face of Healthy Lifestyle Choices. Nicola Murray, slightly panicky, er, minister-lady: wonder if that's OK with you? :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah yeah yeah, Andy Murray, yeah, Andy Pandy, fucking Gandhi having a hand-shandy, whatever, just, you know, fuck off out of my life, OK? :'''Ollie:''' Okey dokey! ''(hangs up. To Nicola and Glenn)'' [[wikipedia:Del_Monte_Foods#Pop_culture_references|The man from Hell Monte, he say 'Fucking aye'!]]<hr width="50%" /> :'''Malcolm:''' (apologizing to his guests) Sorry about that. Everybody's heard about the cooking, so it's... :'''Geoffrey:''' So, Malcolm, what's all this about? :'''Malcolm:''' Well, I know that these are hard times for print journalists, yeah? I mean, I read that on the internet. I mean, one day you're writing for the papers and the next you're sleeping under them. :'''Marianne:''' What, so this is like Malcolm Tucker's Soup Kitchen? :'''Malcolm:''' Well, it is, kind of, in a way. I just think that you should have one big square meal before you end up fucking living off white lightning in your own feces. Come on, get stuck in. I'll dish it up for you. :'''Marianne:''' What about Tom bringing back Steve Fleming? Kind of makes you old news, doesn't it? :'''Geoffrey:''' You repositioning yourself, Malcolm? :'''Malcolm:''' This is about a guy sharing his ghee. That's it. Okay? :'''Geoffrey:''' So you're not currying favor, then? :''(Marianna starts laughing at Geoffrey's joke.)'' :'''Marianne:''' (laughing) Sorry... :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Geoffrey, jokingly)'' Fuck you. Get out of my house. Get out of my fucking house. That's it. I know...I mean, no wonder nobody's fucking buying your paper. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Meanwhile, Nicola, Glenn, Terri and Ollie are still getting over Malcolm being on holiday.)'' :'''Nicola:''' He's really on holiday? :'''Terri:''' Malcolm hasn't been on holiday for 10 years. :'''Glenn:''' Malcolm's got to keep moving or he's dead. He's like a shark of [[wikipedia:Bob Dylan|Bob Dylan]]. :'''Terri:''' Well, who's driving the bus? :''(Steve Fleming enters the office and starts greeting the staff.)'' :'''Steve Fleming:''' Morning! Morning, DoSAC. :'''Glenn:''' Oh. :'''Nicola:''' Bollocky bollocks. It's the [[A Christmas Carol|Ghost of Christmas Shit]]. :'''Glenn:''' There's your answer, Terri: that's the man driving the bus, that's [[wikipedia:Reg_Varney|Reg bloody Varney]]. All stops to electoral oblivion, ding ding. :'''Nicola:''' Get in my office, come on. It'll buy us a bit of time. :''(They all do so, as Steve continues to move towards them.)'' :'''Glenn:''' Come on, have a look. :'''Ollie:''' I've never seen Steve Fleming in the flesh. :'''Nicola:''' You're lucky. :'''Ollie:''' For a man who brought us back into power, he's not very imposing, is he? He's like a Lego policeman. :'''Nicola:''' Look at him. Super Mario. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Steve joyfully enters Nicola's office with cups of coffee for her and her team.)'' :'''Steve:''' Morning, campers! :'''Nicola:''' Steve Fleming! :''(Nicola and Steve shake hands, BUT...)'' :'''Steve:''' Oh, no. :'''Nicola:''' Hello. Oh! Okay... :''(At Steve's insistence, he gives Nicola a HUG! Fun for Steve...but not so much for Nicola.)'' :'''Steve:''' (happily) Hello, Nicola. :'''Nicola:''' Hi. :'''Steve:''' You look like you've lost some weight. :'''Nicola:''' (surprised) Do I? :'''Steve:''' Yeah! :'''Nicola:''' I don't think so, but... :'''Steve:''' (very pleased) Oh, I think so, yes. No, your face looks quite gaunt. Muscly. :'''Nicola:''' Does it now? :'''Steve:''' Anyway, I come bearing caffeinated gifts. :''(Steve presents the cups of coffee, and the team is appreciative of his gesture. Then, Steve gets down to business.)'' :'''Steve:''' I'm gonna cut to the chase. I need you to publish...all the crime stats since 2004 as an accompaniment to our Transparent Government launch. From 2004 up to the last quarter. :'''Nicola:''' Okay, we are just about to launch, um, Healthy Choices. ''With'' Andy Murray. :'''Steve:''' Andy Murray! Whoa! (Steve mimes a tennis volley.) Ace! :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Steve)'' Good joke. :'''Steve:''' ''(to Nicola)'' We'll make a Minister of you yet. :'''Nicola:''' I mean, after that, we can try and get you something for, say, end of the week? :'''Steve:''' After? Why after? Why not right alongside? Or, here's a thought...Before. :'''Nicola:''' Because we're under-resourced and it's not a priority. :'''Steve:''' The PM thinks it is a priority. It can be done. ''(beat)'' Oh, I seem to have reached the end of my argument. :'''Nicola:''' Okay. Well, look, um, why don't we say Thursday lunchtime. Okay? :'''Glenn:''' Well, you've got Fran's leaving lunch on Thursday. :'''Nicola:''' I have got a lunch. Thursday afternoon. :'''Steve:''' (still smiling) Yes, I don't give a fuck about Fran's leaving lunch. I'm saying ''Now now now now now now now now. Now!'' :'''Nicola:''' Okay. Chillax. We're on the case, Steve. :'''Steve:''' Lovely. Thank you very much. :'''Nicola:''' Good. Okay. Well, it's a delight to see you again. :'''Steve:''' Oh! :'''Nicola:''' Oh, I get another one. :''(Another awkward hug between Steve and Nicola.)'' :'''Nicola:''' (jokingly) Mind my gaunt face. :'''Steve:''' ''(to the whole team)'' Bye-bye. :'''Nicola's team:''' Bye. <hr width="50%"/> :''(After their first meeting with Steve Fleming...)'' :'''Ollie:''' What do you call that? Obsessive Repulsive Disorder, I would say. :'''Nicola:''' I'm gonna ring Malcolm. Holiday or no holiday, I'm gonna ring Malcolm about this. :'''Ollie:''' ''(impersonating Steve)'' 'Caffeinated gifts!' :'''Terri:''' Malcolm never brought us coffee. I like him. :'''Ollie:''' Yes, well you like bath salts, you're basically an idiot. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Meanwhile, at Malcolm's house with the journalists...)'' :'''Malcolm:''' So everybody's for coffee, yeah? :'''Geoffrey:''' Mmm-hmm. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, I'm sorry I can't do espressos. But I've made this so thick and black, it'll be like fucking drinking plimsolls. :'''Marianne:''' This Steve Fleming thing is gonna end in tears, isn't it? I mean, you sacked him last time. :'''Malcolm:''' All right. Right. Okay. Off the record. Right? Okay? While Steven is a useful tool, and I do emphasize the word "useful" here, I'm still running the show. Right? :'''Geoffrey:''' If you're still running the show, why do you need to tell us? :''(Malcolm calmly -- but still menacingly -- walks up to Geoffrey, with the pot of coffee still in his hand.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' (calmly) Geoffrey, all I'm saying is this: It would be very much fucking appreciated if you could emphasize the fact that I'm at the heart of the government. Because it's fucking true. I am the heart. I am the ventricles. And the fucking aorta. :'''Marianne:''' (chuckling) Malcolm, we get it. You're still the star of the show. :'''Malcolm:''' It's not for me to say, darling. :'''Geoffrey:''' No, you're still the star of the show. Yeah, until they start wheeling out the celebrities. What's next, Malcolm? Ant and Dec as the new fucking litter tsars? That's when you know you're 20 points behind in the polls. :'''Malcolm:''' Oh, well, thank you very much, Mr. Fucking Prick Robinson. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Nicola's getting a phone call from a certain someone...)'' :'''Terri:''' Nicola, it's your nephew on the phone. :'''Nicola:''' What? :'''Terri:''' Your nephew. Andy Murray. :'''Nicola:''' (Very excited) Fuck! On the line, now? ''OH, MY GOD! It's Andy Murray on the line!'' What line? :'''Terri:''' Press two. :'''Nicola:''' He's not there, Terri! Fuck's sake! :'''Terri:''' Maybe it was three. :'''Nicola:''' God, it drives me insane! Is he there now? :'''Terri:''' Yeah, yeah. Hang on, let me just get him off hold. :'''Nicola:''' It really pisses me off! The fucking phones in this whole -- Andy! Hello! It's Nicola Murray, yes! What a delight to talk to you! :''(While NICOLA Murray's chatting on the phone with ANDY Murray, Ollie gets a call on his cell phone from Malcolm.)'' :'''Ollie:''' Hi, Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' Ollie. Andy Murray. :'''Ollie:''' Oh, good. We are literally confirming him as we speak. :'''Malcolm:''' Ditch him. We can't go with celebrities. Right? It's just gonna look bad. :'''Ollie:''' Why? :'''Malcolm:''' We're gonna look desperate, all right? :'''Ollie:''' Well, uh...Steve Fleming likes the idea. :'''Malcolm:''' Never mind what Mummy says. Just do what Daddy says, right? :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, whilst you're on, um, just, um...there's another thing. Uh, Mummy has asked us to publish the crime stats as part of the Transparent Government initiative. Is that all right with Daddy? :'''Malcolm:''' It's fine. :'''Ollie:''' Really? Because, um, Nicola's got that baffled, panicky look like a child on the ghost train. :'''Malcolm:''' Give me a second while I look up my little file of things I really don't give a fuck about. And here we have under the letter N, we've got "nail-bombing golf clubs," there is, uh, the National Trust, there is Newcastle...Nicola Murray. Yes. She's still there. So fucking can Andy Murray and just get on with the fucking crime stats. :'''Nicola:''' ''(still on the phone with Andy)'' I'll make sure Kate liaises with my press whiz kid, uh, Terri Coverley. She's a woman. But listen, if there is anything else we can do for you, ''please'' don't hesitate to call. Dare I say it, we are ''here to serve'', (laughing) if you'll excuse the pun. All right, Andy. Take care. Bye. <hr width="50%"/> :''(But now, Ollie has to give Nicola the bad news...)'' :'''Ollie:''' Malcolm says we have to drop him. :'''Nicola:''' (in disbelief) What? :'''Ollie:''' Andy. He's not in, he's now out. Apparently, according to Malcolm, sent to bed without any barley water. :'''Nicola:''' I mean, he's a fucking tennis player! We're not asking Shane MacGowan! ''Why?'' :'''Ollie:''' It's nothing personal. He just said bringing in celebrities looks desperate. He said it's the sign of a dying government. :'''Nicola:''' We are a dying government! Our hair's falling out, and we're coughing up blood, and our kids are asking us to change the will! :'''Ollie:''' Look, he was quite clear about this. He said just, you know, kill it. Kitten, breeze block, sack, canal. :'''Nicola:''' Oh, I can imagine him being clear about it. Right. We've gotta get on to -- ''(to Terri)'' ''You've'' gotta get on to... :'''Terri:''' Me? :'''Nicola:''' ...Andy Murray's people and find a polite way of saying, "Piss off, Andy. Apparently, you're too well-known to front our public awareness campaign." :'''Terri:''' Right. :''(But Glenn has some GOOD news on the crime stats.)'' :'''Glenn:''' Right! Good news is I have done all that pile and that's in the system. :'''Ollie:''' Excellent. :'''Glenn:''' (stretching his back) Oh, fuck me! :''(But then, Glenn sees a trolley-full of more crime stats headed his way!)'' :'''Glenn:''' ''What the hell's THIS?'' :'''Ollie:''' It appears to be a trolley-full of crime stats. :'''Glenn:''' "Vandalism?" "Bicycle theft?" Oh, this is ridiculous! :''(And just when he says THAT, Glenn kicks open a box of crime stats!)'' :'''Ollie:''' Well, that's given us an unexpected head start, well done. I would kill you but I'd have to add you to the fucking figures. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nicola:''' ''(to Terri)'' Okay. Think about what you're gonna say. :'''Terri:''' Yeah. Okay, I've done that. :'''Nicola:''' What? Already? Is that enough time? :'''Terri:''' ''(on the phone)'' Kate. Hello. Uh, Terri Coverley. Yes. Yeah, we're thrilled about Andy being on board. :'''Nicola:''' ''(whispering to Terri)'' Get on with it. :'''Terri:''' (stammering) No. I'm not actually saying that it's... :''(Nicola then sees Steve Fleming entering the room. Again.)'' :'''Nicola:''' (still whispering) Shit! End the call. End the call. It's Mustache Sally. Fleming! Steve Fleming's here! Put the phone down! :'''Steve:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Ah, Nicola Murray! How are the crime stats coming along? :'''Nicola:''' It's not easy, Steve, as you can see. But Glenn and Ollie are on top of it. :'''Ollie:''' "Other theft?" What the fuck is other theft? :'''Glenn:''' I don't know what other theft is. :'''Steve:''' If you want to stay late, or pull an all-nighter, if you think it'd help – :'''Glenn:''' You want us to work all through the night on this? :'''Steve:''' It would be very much appreciated upstairs. :'''Ollie:''' Hah, well: I'm an atheist. :'''Steve:''' ''(laughs)'' By the Prime Minister. I did get the joke, by the way. :'''Ollie''' ''(mouthing)'': Well done. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm is back from holiday in this scene, and he's having a warm and friendly chat with his loyal assistant, Sam.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' (happily) Good morning, good morning, good morning! I'm back! I'm sorry I left my sombrero at home, but here I am. What do you think of the tan, huh? What do you think of this shade? I call it "Custard Cancer." (Malcolm gets a delivery.) Oh, thank you very much. :'''Sam:''' Where did you go? :'''Malcolm:''' I went to, um, Easter Island. I thought I'd spend my time there re-chiseling all the statues, so that they'd look like Westlife. How about a coffee? :'''Sam:''' Oh, I've sent you a link to Andy Murray's website. There's, uh, something you should see. :'''Malcolm:''' Andy Murray's website? :''(While Sam leaves Malcolm's office to get him a cup of coffee, Malcolm reads about the big news on Andy Murray's website...)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Andy says, "Just agreed to lead the government's Healthy Choices campaign. Eat, live, be well." Fuck a Pot Noodle. :''(Uh-oh...)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Sam, prepare my horse. I ride – to DoSAC! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nicola:''' Hello, Terri. :'''Terri:''' Morning, Nicola. :'''Nicola:''' Who am I, Terri? :'''Terri:''' You're Nicola? Nicola Murray? :''(Nicola nods her head "Yes.")'' :'''Terri:''' Ah. Secretary of State for... :'''Nicola:''' That's right. I'm Secretary of State. So why has a sports personality launched my policy on his fucking website? :'''Terri:''' Ah! No, I know. I know exactly why that is. :'''Nicola:''' You didn't make the phone call, did you? :'''Terri:''' Well, uh, yes. :'''Ollie:''' Nicola, um, in other really bad news -- Good morning, by the way. :'''Glenn:''' (on the phone) This is about the crime stats, yeah? :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, some of the crime stats that we published, as it turns out, were unverified and not ready for being in the public domain. Uh, Marianne Swift from ''The Mail...'' :'''Nicola:''' Oh, Swine-Face Swift. :'''Ollie:''' That's the one. She noticed, uh, a drop in the figures for aggravated burglary in the last quarter. Whereas when she checked it out... :'''Nicola:''' There was no drop. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah. :'''Nicola:''' Right. So Swine-Face Swift and her piggy hack-hog colleagues... :'''Ollie:''' Exactly. So we're getting a lot of, uh, oinking on the phones. So basically what that means is that the department -- well, essentially the royal you, um, seem to have massaged the crime figures. :'''Nicola:''' Great. Thank you, Steve fucking "Ew, Nicola!" Fleming! :'''Ollie:''' Yup. He is a fucking...ninny, isn't he? :'''Nicola:''' Bring my dispatch boxes. :'''Ollie:''' Okay. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Steve:''' Malcolm! :'''Malcolm:''' Oh, there he is, [[wikipedia:Bob_Carolgees|Bob Carolgees]]; how's the wee comedy dog? :'''Steve:''' Welcome back. Good holiday? I hear your kitchen's lovely at this time of year. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well actually, I went to Spain. :'''Steve:''' Oh, nice. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah yeah, I went to Malaga, it was lovely. I was golfing with [[Stephen Hawking]], he's fucking shit. He lied about his handicap. Mind you, I never had to hire a golf buggy, I just sat in his lap. :'''Steve:''' Please. Why do we have to be like this? All this negative energy. Come on! :'''Malcolm:''' What? :'''Steve:''' Well, we've got to work together. So, you know... :'''Malcolm:''' So what? I mean, that doesn't mean we have to like each other, does it? :'''Steve:''' No, I mean... :''(Someone's trying to get past Malcolm and Steve.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to the passer-by)'' Sorry. (He politely lets him pass through.) :'''Steve:''' We both know we don't like each other, everyone knows that, we are the Gallagher brothers of politics. :'''Malcolm:''' How does that work? Does that mean that I'm [[Noel Gallagher|the semi-talented songwriter]] and you're [[Liam Gallagher|the fucking loutish prick]]? That's a lovely analogy. :'''Steve:''' You were the one who forced me out of the sodding band. ''(chuckles)'' Come on, let's have a chat. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm and Steve continue their unfriendly chat in an office.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' You were asked to leave the fucking band. And you wouldn't fucking go, would you? You had to hang on in there, like a [[wikipedia:Limpet|limpet]] up a whale's arse. :'''Steve:''' Why do you thrive so much on being disliked? :'''Malcolm:''' People hate me? Good! Bring it on. Do you know what they say about you? :'''Steve:''' I'm sure you're going to tell me, Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' I'll tell you ''exactly'' what people think about you! :'''Steve:''' All right, go on then! :'''Malcolm:''' ''Fuck-all!!'' :'''Steve:''' Oh, do they? ''FUCK-ALL?'' :'''Malcolm:''' People have ''no'' fucking opinion about you! You're like fucking [[wikipedia:Special K|Special K]] or fucking the Moody Blues. That's you, fucking white noise in the background—Funny? Is that funny? Do you find that funny? :'''Steve:''' No, I don't find anything you're saying funny whatsoever. And I'll tell you a home truth, Malcolm Tucker: The people who are really hated in this country, the people who are really hated, are us. This government. How about we stand together? Let's both be team players, shall we? :''(But then, Malcolm's cell phone beeps.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Were you the Einstein that OK'd this fucking Andy Murray thing at DoSAC? Because I've got ''The Telegraph'' on here. (Steve's cell phone then beeps.) And you've probably got ''The Times'' asking why the budget's been pre-announced on Twitter by fucking Ryan Giggs. :'''Steve:''' (looking at his cell phone) Shit! "The last quarter's crime stats, which DoSAC have published, are unconfirmed projections." Shit! :'''Malcolm:''' That's DoSAC for you. :'''Steve:''' Come on, Malcolm. Team players! :'''Malcolm:''' Bring me sunshine. :''(Both men leave the office.)'' <hr width="50%"/> :''(Meanwhile, at DoSAC, Glenn, Ollie & Terri are on their desk phones, trying to get a better handle on the news of the moment.)'' :'''Glenn:''' (on his phone) No, we're not manipulating the figures. Somebody quite simply made a mistake. No. No, I couldn't possibly say who. :'''Ollie:''' (on his phone) Glenn Cullen. Glenn with one, one N. :'''Terri:''' (on her phone) We have actually decided to go in a different direction from Andy. :''(Steve and Malcolm have entered the room, both making a beeline for Nicola's office.)'' :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Good holiday? :'''Malcolm:''' Shut it, you fucking hairdresser. :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Got any photos? :'''Malcolm:''' I've got a photo of you in a minute with your cock nailed to the desk. Hey, you want to see something that's truly worth photographing? Look at Steve Fleming at work, eh? That's the real master of spin. He's [[wikipedia:Jimi Hendrix|Spinny fucking Hendrix]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''(And now, Steve & Malcolm are confronting Nicola in her office...much to Nicola's dismay...)'' :'''Steve:''' Nicola, you and your department have screwed up! :'''Malcolm''' ''(entering)'': I'd like to agree with the previous speaker, only adding the words 'fucking royally'. :'''Nicola:''' Oh Jesus, am I being gang-bollocked? :'''Malcolm:''' Andy Murray's [[wikipedia:Tim_Henman|Henman]]-fisting us in the press. We can't have that – :'''Steve:''' Well, with undue respect, Malcolm, the crime stats cock-up is a much bigger deal. :'''Nicola:''' This is such a great double act, isn't it? Good Cock, Bad Cock! :'''Malcolm:''' I'll tell you what, why don't you go first, mate? I need a wazz. ''(leaves)'' :'''Steve:''' I like you, Nicola, I quite like you. But darling, I've gotta ask you, what the bloody hell happened? :'''Nicola:''' Like you asked, we published the crime figures from 2004 up to the last quarter. :'''Steve:''' Yes, up to the last quarter but not up to and ''INCLUDING the last quarter, you dozy mare!'' :'''Nicola:''' 'Up to' includes the thing you're going up to. Right? If you say count up to 20, it means count up to ''and include'' the number 20! :'''Steve:''' The events leading up to the Second World War do ''not'' include the Second World War! :'''Nicola:''' We haven't got time for a semantic argument about this. :''(Malcolm returns.)'' :'''Steve:''' Listen, sweetheart – :'''Nicola:''' ''Do not'' fucking call me sweetheart! :'''Malcolm:''' I think you'll find that Steve was addressing me: the 'tache is a bit of a giveaway. :'''Steve:''' I will draft a statement. :'''Malcolm:''' You fucking will not draft any fucking statement! :'''Steve:''' I've been minding the shop! :'''Malcolm:''' You were fucking minding the shop, and what happened? A bunch of fucking schoolkids came in and fucking dropped their trousers and fucking had a shit in aisle 5! :'''Steve:''' Well thank you for giving us a guided tour around the Freudian nightmare of your head! :'''Nicola:''' Could you two decide between you in which order, and from which direction, I'm gonna be shafted? <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm and Steve are playing a "Tug of War" of sorts for Nicola's attention.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Ignore him. Just come with me. Come into my office. :'''Steve:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Let's deal with the crime stats... :''(But Malcolm successfully brings Nicola into his "office..." and shuts Steve out.)'' :'''Steve:''' (knocking on the door) Come on. Malcolm. Malcolm. MALCOLM! (Steve starts laughing uncomfortably) Sorry about this, everybody. :''(Malcolm is happy to shut out Steve, but he's still visibly annoyed.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Goodbye. Give my regards to the rest of the fucking Village People. :''(But then, Terri knocks on the office door.)'' :'''Terri:''' (outside the door) Sorry, Nicola, Mal--um, excuse me. It's Andy Murray. He's-he's insisting on talking to you. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Talk to him. :'''Nicola:''' What? :'''Malcolm:''' Get him back on board. Fucking talk to him. :'''Nicola:''' NO! :'''Malcolm:''' (whispering) Yes. :'''Nicola:''' You cannot be serious! :'''Malcolm:''' Was that an attempt at a joke? :'''Nicola:''' You told me to kill it! I've killed it! :'''Malcolm:''' Right now, some photos in the papers of a very boring man with tight white shorts on is gonna be a very pleasant distraction from Steve's fucking crime stats abortion. :'''Nicola:''' If we need a fucking celebrity, can we try somebody else? Steve Redgrave. :'''Malcolm:''' He's a boring fuck! :'''Nicola:''' Lewis Hamilton. :'''Malcolm:''' Fucking boring, boring fuck. And fucking drives a car. :'''Nicola:''' Chris Boardman. :'''Malcolm:''' Fucking cyclist! Are you fucking mental? ''Everybody'' hates cyclists! Even fucking cyclists hate fucking cyclists! Plus, ''he's'' a boring fuck! :'''Nicola:''' I cannot... :'''Terri:''' (''still'' outside the office) Paula Radcliffe? :'''Nicola:''' No, she shat in the street! :'''Malcolm:''' And she's a boring fuck as well. :'''Nicola:''' How about we just launch the policy without a celebrity? :'''Malcolm:''' (sarcastically) Oh, great idea. "Hello, there. Hi, everyone. I, Nicola Murray, would like to say to you that even though you don't fucking know me from fucking Adam, I think you should cut down on carbs." <hr width="50%"/> :''(Meanwhile, Steve is trying to turn a negative into a positive. He wants to get Glenn and Ollie to fix the crime stats crisis.)'' :'''Steve:''' Lads, let's get this crime stats cock-up sorted. What have you both got so far? :'''Glenn:''' Well, actually, now we've been trying to think of a replacement for Andy Murray. Some of the women footballers...uh, Jessica Clark, or Sue Smith. Or Faye White. :''(Steve's starts smiling, but he's getting annoyed.)'' :'''Steve:''' I ''cannot believe'' the energy going into Andy Murray! (Starts laughing again) I can't! :''(Steve starts leaving DoSAC.)'' :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' What's his problem. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm is talking on his cell phone while heading to his office.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Just try and wrap your gin-addled brain about this, right? I ''did'' say I was at the heart of government. But when... :''(Steve Fleming is already in Malcolm's office.)'' :'''Steve:''' Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' (on his phone) Excuse me. :'''Steve:''' I need to talk to you. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Steve)'' One second, please. ''(back to his phone)'' Listen, when that...When that incident occurred, I was on holiday. Are you saying to me that my wee caravan's a great fucking waste of time? And my stupid fucking wing mirror extensions? :'''Steve:''' (pointing to the TV) The crime stats and Andy Murray, Malc. It's a double fault. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(answering a knock at his door)'' Listen, if you are not a prostitute or a pizza guy, fuck off! ''(to Steve)'' Steve, listen, could you eat or fuck whatever's at the door on your fucking way out, please? ''(to a colleague)'' No thanks. ''(back on his phone)'' How can I be held responsible? What, for what? I've created a what around the government? I've created a vibe? Listen, son, the only fucking vibe you have to worry about is the one that your wife hides in her knicker drawer. ''(back to Steve)'' I am on top of this, okay? :'''Steve:''' Oh, fine, fine. You know, I'm just saying I'll gladly lend you a hand if you feel the need to keep your head down. :'''Malcolm:''' I don't need to keep my head down, because unlike yourself, I don't give blowjobs to truckers. :''(Another knock at Malcolm's office door...)'' :'''Malcolm:''' I SAID FUCK OFF! :''(The door opens, and -- SURPRISE! It's Julius Nicholson!)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Oh, it's Lord Nicholson! What an enormous pleasure this is! :'''Julius:''' (with a big smile) Well, in fact, it's, um, the Right Honorable the Lord Nicholson of Arnage. And the kissing of feet may commence! :'''Malcolm:''' You got all your stuff ready for your official lording ceremony? Have you got your mink thong and your ermine colostomy bag? :'''Julius:''' No, I don't, no. I have to hire that, unfortunately. I can't wear it on the Tube or the bus, but I would. It would be great larks, but there we go. :'''Steve:''' How about a coffee? Coffee? :'''Julius:''' Well, um, if there's coffee going, I'd never say no to a nice cup of coffee. :'''Malcolm:''' Do you not drink coffee anymore? Is it all port and swan's blood these days? :'''Julius:''' Swan's blood. That does sound nice. No, I'm just sort of passing through, because obviously we need to start booting up this crime stats inquiry. But it's in effect an investigation into the facts. But I thought since I was passing through... :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, but you don't have to talk to me about that, do you? 'Cause I was on my holidays then. Did you get my postcard? :'''Julius:''' Well, I will speak to whomsoever I need to speak to, holiday or no holiday? :'''Malcolm:''' Where did you learn to speak like that? Is there a special school that's just you and Brian Sewell went to? :'''Julius:''' I'm gonna leave you to it, frankly. :'''Malcolm:''' So soon? :'''Steve:''' And I'm gonna make tracks as well, Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' Okay, good to see you both. :''(But just before Steve leaves...)'' :'''Steve:''' ''(to Malcolm, softly)'' The problem is that you are shifting from the man people love to hate to the man people just hate. From [[wikipedia:Simon Cowell|Simon Cowell]] to [[wikipedia:Piers Morgan|Piers Morgan]]. :'''Malcolm:''' See you later, and remember, my door's always open. :''(And when Steve leaves, Malcolm throws part of the bagel sandwich he was eating onto the door in disgust.)'' <hr width="50%"/> :''(Glenn and Ollie are reading stories about Malcolm in the newspapers.)'' :'''Ollie:''' I had no idea, no idea that it was Malcolm who drafted Fleming's resignation letter in 2003. :'''Glenn:''' I forgot your political memory only goes back two issues of [[The Economist]]. :'''Ollie:''' Hey! There's a reference to you here, Cullen. :'''Glenn:''' Where? :'''Ollie:''' 'Alleged to have assaulted an elderly aide at a party conference.' :'''Glenn:''' Elderly aide? :'''Ollie:''' Elderly aide. :'''Glenn:''' God, that makes me sound like a fucking stairlift! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm sees Nicola outside his office.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Hey, [[wikipedia:Dora the Explorer|Dora the Explorer]]. :'''Nicola:''' (sighing) Still here, then, Malcolm? :'''Malcolm:''' Time for a milky drink? Come on. Come on in. I wanna have a word with you. :''(Nicola reluctantly comes into Malcolm's office...)'' :'''Malcolm:''' There you go. How was Cabinet? Was it good? Is Tom looking after you? :'''Nicola:''' You're all over the newspapers like a pissing puppy, Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' Well, I think you'll find that's what we masters of the dark arts call a blip. Tomorrow that will all be old news. It'll be like the fucking [[wikipedia:The War of the Roses|War of the Roses]]. Or [[wikipedia:AIDS|AIDS]]. Remember AIDS? Listen, Nicola, see that? Did Julius mention to you about his inquiry? :'''Nicola:''' Yeah. :'''Malcolm:''' The inquiry into the whole fucking crime stats cock-up? :'''Nicola:''' Yeah. :'''Malcolm:''' You know the phone call that came through to me from your office? You know, about the whole idea? :'''Nicola:''' Yeah, yeah. :'''Malcolm:''' It didn't happen, right? :'''Nicola:''' You want me to cover your back? :'''Malcolm:''' I want you to get the old inquiry screen out and slap it on, fucking factor 50, why not? Listen, I'll tell you what. This is what I'll do. I will get for you some really good press attention for your fucking Healthy Choices nonsense. How about that? I'll get you some big fucking healthy headlines. :'''Nicola:''' You're in no position to give me anything. You're not -- you can't even get a fucking bagel cleaned up off your door. Do you mind? :''(Nicola gets ready to leave Malcolm's office, but he's still trying to talk to her.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' What? Do you think I can't get it up anymore? Is that it? You're looking at fucking Lazarus, sweetheart. And not just plain Lazarus. I'm fucking self-raising Lazarus, right? <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm has organised positive press coverage of DoSAC's Healthy Lifestyles policy)'' :'''Glenn:''' Well done Malcolm. :'''Ollie:''' He's very impressive, isn't he? In the way that, you know, [[Mao Zedong|Chairman Mao]] was actually quite impressive. :'''Glenn:''' Well that's the thing about the evil, isn't it, their amazing work ethic. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' How are the hacks? :'''Steve:''' Ready to eat their own cocks. :'''Malcolm:''' They're only journalists, Steve, not fucking [[wikipedia:Rangers_F.C.|Rangers]] supporters. :'''Steve:''' I know they are. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well, I need 10 minutes. I need to google some jokes about Andy Murray. :'''Steve:''' Shall I go first? :'''Malcolm:''' Warm them up. Tell them [[wikipedia:Laurence Olivier|Olivier]] is on his way, but in the meantime, here's an audience with [[wikipedia:Peter Bowles|Peter fucking Bowles]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''(A short time later, Malcolm spots Julius again.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Oh, there he is. Screaming Lord Crutch. I like the flunkies, by the way. That's a very nice touch. It's a wee bit [[wikipedia:Graham Norton|Graham Norton]]. :'''Julius:''' Don't needle me, Malcolm. Not when people are under scrutiny. :'''Malcolm:''' ''I'm'' under scrutiny? :'''Julius:''' Yes. :'''Malcolm:''' I'm fucking Nosferatu. That's really fucking scary. :'''Julius:''' (unimpressed) I'm walking on. We're moving on. I'm Ian Botham. I'm walking on for hospice care. :''(And then, Malcolm sees Nicola...and he sneaks over to her when nobody's looking.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' How's it going with Lord Bonnie Longford? :'''Nicola:''' I've not been in yet. I've just been standing here for 20 minutes. :'''Malcolm:''' So IF this phone call does come up... :'''Julius''' (Seeing what Malcolm's up to) No! No, that's not... :'''Nicola:''' You're nothing if not persistent, are you, Malcolm? :''(Julius breaks up the conversation.)'' :'''Julius:''' Don't do that! I made it quite clear... :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Julius)'' I was standing over there and I thought, "Nicola's choking." But she wasn't. She was laughing, retrospectively, at your massive shiny head. ''(to Steve)'' Oh, what happened? Did you get heckled off? What was the line? "Taxi for [[Tom Selleck]]!" :'''Steve:''' Yeah. Could I have a quick word? Just...just five minutes. :''(Steve takes Malcolm into the office to have a private chat.)'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Steve:''' So, Malcolm, mate. :'''Malcolm:''' What is it? What's...What's the problem? You look like you fucking coughed up your own twin. :''(An awkward silence...)'' :'''Malcolm:''' No, no, no, no...I need to talk to Tom. :'''Steve:''' No, Tom isn't immediately available to you. :'''Malcolm:''' Fuck off. :'''Steve:''' Malcolm, the Prime Minister respects you enormously. :'''Malcolm:''' (on his cell phone) Sam, get a hold of Pat, right... :''(But then, Malcolm's cell phone shuts off.)'' :'''Steve:''' Actually, I'm gonna need that. That's an official Blackberry. :'''Malcolm:''' (answering a door knock) Fuck off! :''(Julius enters the office.)'' :'''Julius:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Right. Your five minutes starts now. :'''Malcolm:''' Fuck off. :'''Steve:''' ''(to Julius)'' This is an acutely private moment, Julius. Would it seem terribly rude if I asked you to ''shit off'' for five minutes? :'''Julius:''' Yes, it would. :''(And now, Nicola enters the office.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Can you fuck off as well? :'''Nicola:''' ''(to Julius)'' Julius, what -- ''(to Malcolm)'' Sorry, excuse me? ''(back to Julius)'' Julius, what is the deal? :'''Julius:''' At ''the moment'', Malcolm is getting ''The Sack.'' :'''Nicola:''' (stunned) Shit. Now? Literally? I mean, in -- I'm actually in the sacking? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Yeah, well, let's see what the fucking Prime Minister has to say about that! Huh? Let's see what he has to say! :'''Steve:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Listen to me a minute! The Prime Minister supports you fully in whatever you decide to do next. :''(Steve presents Malcolm with a pen and paper, in effect asking for his resignation.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' You. Fucking Nicola. Right, tell them. Fucking tell them that there was no fucking phone call. ''(beat)'' Speak! I fucking ask you, speak! Open Sesame! :'''Nicola:''' I'm not, I'm not here, Malcolm. I'm not... :'''Malcolm:''' You are fucking here! :'''Nicola:''' I'm not seeing this. :'''Malcolm:''' Open your fucking mouth for once and say something! :'''Nicola:''' I'm not getting involved. :'''Malcolm:''' You fucking speak! You've always fucking got something to say! :'''Nicola:''' I'm only a Cabinet Minister! :'''Malcolm:''' Fuck off, then! :''(Nicola runs out of Number 10.)'' :'''Steve:''' Malc, Malc – :'''Malcolm:''' Don't fucking touch me! :'''Steve:''' Come on, Malc! :'''Malcolm:''' You cannot fuck me! You cannot fuck me! I am unfuckable! I have never been fucked! And if you fucking try and fuck me, you'll find my fucking arse will fucking grow fucking fangs! :'''Steve:''' Yeah, all right, now come and listen to me! Will you listen to me – :'''Malcolm:''' And fucking snap your fucking cock off – :'''Steve:''' MALCOLM TUCKER, WILL YOU LISTEN TO ME?! :'''Malcolm:''' Go right ahead. Yeah, let's hear it, let's hear it. :'''Steve:''' Listen to me for one second. :'''Malcolm:''' Go right ahead. :'''Steve:''' I wouldn't tell ''you'' what I've just told you ''before'' I'd told the press pack, would I? That would be very very unprofessional. So there's no point in getting angry because the show's over. It's curtains. No curtain call. Everyone ''loved'' the show, but it just wasn't ''buttering'' any ''parsnips'' ANYMORE, BROTHER! :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. You don't have the fucking balls, apart from that great inflated fucking ball on the fucking end of your fucking neck. :'''Steve:''' (looking at the TV behind Malcolm) Ooh, look. Oh... :''(Malcolm's resignation is now the big story on BBC News.)'' :'''Steve:''' (whispering softly) "Malcolm Tucker resigns..." Looks pretty factual to me. :'''Malcolm:''' Fuck this. Fuck this. Fuck you all. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm is now chasing himself into Steve's office!)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Get back to fucking ''[[wikipedia:The Wind in the Willows|Wind in the Willows]]'', 'cause that's where you fucking belong! :'''Steve:''' I didn't ask you to -- I didn't ask you to come back in. Would you leave my office, please? :'''Malcolm:''' I'm not fucking gonna waste my breath on you. :''(And now, Malcolm is marching his way towards Julius! Yelling and cursing along the way!)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Julius)'' As for you... :'''Julius:''' Malcolm, I am sick to death -- You can explain -- :''(Malcolm puts his hands on Julius and pins him up against a door!)'' :'''Julius:''' Don't TOUCH me, Malcolm! :'''Malcolm:''' I'll fucking touch you if I like! :'''Julius:''' Because I'll tell you this, man! :'''Malcolm:''' You'll tell me WHAT? :'''Julius:''' YOU shafted me, boy! :''(Julius fights back and puts his hand on Malcolm!)'' :'''Julius:''' I'll fucking strike you, Malcolm! :'''Malcolm:''' Don't you fucking touch me! :'''Julius:''' I warn you! :'''Malcolm:''' Don't touch that scarf! That's Paul Smith! Twat! ''(to somebody else)'' MOVE! :''(Malcolm is finally leaving Good Ol' Number 10.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' YOU WILL SEE ME AGAIN! (Malcolm heads towards the door.) You will fucking see me again! ''(He leaves Number 10.)'' <hr width="50%"/> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Marianne Swift:''' So all this is homemade, is it? :'''Malcolm:''' Of course it is! Look, I mean, this is going to be like [[wikipedia:Jamie_at_Home|Jamie at Home]], right, except I'm not going to be bouncing around spouting Cockney drivel out of my fat, lisping, ox face. <hr width="50%"/> :''(deleted scene)'' :''(thinking about options other than Andy Murray for the Healthy Eating launch)'' :'''Terri:''' What about [[wikipedia:Lynda_Bellingham|Lynda Bellingham]]? :'''Ollie:''' Yes, that'd be convincing, 'Eat less salt', says [[wikipedia:Oxo_(food)#Marketing|the dancing Oxo lady]], good idea. No one from [[wikipedia:Calendar_Girls_(play)|the stage show of Calendar Girls]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''(deleted scene)'' :''(Reading stories about Malcolm in the newspapers)'' :'''Glenn:''' I forgot your political memory only goes back two issues of The Economist. :'''Ollie:''' That's right, Glenn, you'll have to hold my hand through this complicated world: some of us weren't up the Acropolis the day that you and [[Roy Jenkins]] invented democracy. :'''Terri:''' Oh my God. Did you know that he'd been some kind of womaniser? :'''Ollie:''' You wanna check the Sun, they've got a woman who claims he womanised her three times in a day at the gazebo at Chequers. Front, back, and in the gallery, as I understand it. ==Series 3, Episode 8== :''(At DoSAC, Glenn and Ollie can't get over Malcolm Tucker's resignation.)'' :'''Glenn:''' You know, I just can't quite believe this. I mean, this is the single most shocking thing I've seen in politics since the SDP. I thought he'd at least go out with a bang or a killing spree. :'''Ollie:''' I always imagined he'd just shout so hard his lungs would come up and choke him to death. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Over at Opposition HQ, however, Malcolm's departure is being celebrated by Peter Mannion and his team.)'' :'''Peter:''' End of an era! :'''Emma:''' Yeah, a really shit era though, isn't it? :'''Phil:''' ''(cheering)'' WHOO! :'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' Oh, f-- Calm down! :'''Phil:''' Balrog's dead! I mean, that's it. I mean, they're done. I mean, no one can replace him. It's like when Queen lost [[wikipedia:Freddie Mercury|Freddie]]. You know. Certainly not [[wikipedia:Paul Rodgers|Paul Rodgers]]. :''(Stewart Pearson, however, wants no part of the festivities. He wants everyone to get back to business.)'' :'''Stewart:''' All right, everyone. That's the two seconds of respect due to him. Now get back to your desks and do something, okay? ''(to a female worker)'' Not the sofa! Who are you, Lorraine Kelly? Get out here and do something! If you've nothing to do, leave, because you're clearly surplus to requirements! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Steve is at DoSAC, trying to gently assure everyone that everything's alright.)'' :'''Steve:''' Um, lads and lasses! ''(He laughs)'' Please, just a quick word. Thank you. Really, it's just a hand-hold to set the tone for a slightly re-jigged regime. I've done all the important departments, and now I've got to you. ''(He laughs again)'' Seriously, I've done that joke everywhere, but, uh, even with the genuinely big departments. So I'm not -- ''(imitating gun fire)'' -- aiming at you in any sort of a snide way. I'm just checking that we're all at the very top of our games. ''(Steve then looks at Glenn, who's looking at his cell phone.)'' Glenn, mate? :'''Glenn:''' Sorry. :'''Steve:''' Are you on top of your game? :'''Glenn:''' I am -- I am ''above'' my game. I-I'm in a geo-stationary orbit, way above it, looking down and going, "Hello, game, it's Glenn!" :'''Steve:''' (laughing) Right! You know, there's an election looming. This is quite a serious time. We need to be aware of that. (Steve points in Glenn's direction, smiling) But I love humor, and that was good humor. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm is at home with a man going through alternative career options.)'' :'''Man:''' Do you want to swim the Channel for [[wikipedia:Scope_(charity)|Scope]]? :'''Malcolm:''' No! :'''Man:''' Do you want to do ''[[wikipedia:Dragons'_Den_(UK_TV_series)|Dragon's Den]]'' for ''[[wikipedia:Children_in_Need|Children in Need]]''? :'''Malcolm:''' I'd rather fuck a real dragon. :'''Man:''' Would you consider promoting a politically themed restaurant? :'''Malcolm:''' How does that – how does that even work? Oh fuck no, I don't care. :'''Man:''' Would you like to write a children's book, called 'The Angry Spider'? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Steve:''' So, everything: Good. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, you know, a bit of instability with Malcolm gone, a sort of sense of Post – you know, Psychotic Twats Disorder, but – :'''Steve:''' No no, listen, I understand, but you know, right now, you're all emerging from the cellar – pleased that the beatings have stopped - scared of what the future might hold, but long-term, I think we're all going to be okay. Pep talk, over! Return to your desks, and prepare for government. :'''Ollie:''' We're in government. :'''Steve:''' ''(smiling, but clearly annoyed)'' Well then, prepare to ''stay'' in government. :'''Ollie:''' Oh right. How do we do that? :'''Glenn:''' We pack an overnight bag. :'''Steve:''' ''(apoplectic) Will you '''PLEASE, FUCKING WELL –''' (Steve immediately composes himself, and lets out a forced laugh)'' I'm sorry, I've lost my temper! Where is it? Where is it? Oh, no, I've found it again. It's alright. :'''Ollie:''' Always in the last place you look, eh? :'''Nicola:''' ''(to Steve)'' So, can I...? :'''Steve:''' Yeah. :'''Nicola:''' Great. :'''Steve:''' Uh, actually, can I have a word with you, Nicky, please? :'''Nicola:''' Yeah. Nicola. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Steve wants to talk to Nicola in her office about the upcoming election...and he's standing a bit too close for her comfort.)'' :'''Steve:''' I just wanted to check. Obviously, Dan Miller's cabal is going house to house through the cabinet looking for numbskulls stupid enough to resign to trigger his elevation to the throne. :'''Nicola:''' ''(nodding)'' Obviously. :'''Steve:''' What I need to know is are you solid? :'''Nicola:''' Yeah, I am completely -- I am solid as, as the proverbial. As-as a rock. As a rock-hard...as a sailor's wang on shore leave. :'''Steve:''' ''(very pleased)'' Superb. You really are the potty mouth, aren't you? :'''Nicola:''' ''(chuckling)'' Well, a lot to do. :''(After Steve leaves her office, Nicola calls out to Glenn & Ollie.)'' :'''Nicola:''' Ollie, Glenn, in here now. Quick, quick, quick. :''(Glenn approaches the office while taking off his glasses.)'' :'''Nicola:''' Oh Glenn! Don't faff around with your glasses, I know you take them off every time you come in here. It's not impressive. ''(to Glenn and Ollie)'' What do we know about the anti-Tom cabal? Why have I not been contacted by them? :'''Glenn:''' Well, um, uh... :'''Ollie:''' Because it would be you...uh, you're seen very much as an individual around the, uh... :'''Nicola:''' ''(embarrassed)'' That's bollocks, isn't it? It's 'cause I'm the girl at the party nobody wants to dance with. I'm the freak in the corner with a pint of cider and blackcurrant and the funny eye. :'''Ollie:''' No no. I-I mean, it's...You know, it a big, big Rolodex full of numbers. I'm sure... :'''Nicola:''' ''(to both Glenn & Ollie)'' Thank you. You may go. :'''Glenn:''' ''(stammering)'' We st-We still would like to dance with you. :'''Nicola:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Oh, fuck off. Go and put your glasses back on. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm is watching the nightly TV news at home when, all of a sudden, his cell phone rings...)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Hello, Phillip Schofield, I fuck lobsters for money. :''(Somebody is telling Malcolm something important.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Oh? <hr width="50%"/> :''(Julius Nicholson is trying to persuade Malcolm Tucker to return as the two of them are sharing an Indian take-away meal.)'' :'''Julius:''' Take the rice first. :'''Malcolm:''' Thank you. :'''Julius:''' Um, I want you to be very clear, Malc, about why it is that I brought you in. Do you know what hat it is that I'm wearing? :'''Malcolm:''' Is it your baldy swimming cap wig? :'''Julius:''' No, it is my government troubleshooter stetson, which is a long way from my homburg of sober inquiry. :'''Malcolm:''' Do you know that I'm thinking of doing a television program? :'''Julius:''' Well, I had heard something on the grapevine. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, it's good. You know that program ''[[wikipedia:Civilisation|Civilisation]]'' with Kenneth Clarke? :'''Julius:''' Oh, yes. :'''Malcolm:''' It's gonna be like that, except with fucking more quim, you know? It's me, Simon Schama and Alan Yentob in a cage, fucking lump hammer each, whacking the shit out of each other. The last man standing wins a fucking [[wikipedia:Ford Focus|Ford Focus]]. :'''Julius:''' The thing is, Malcolm, your departure has basically precipitated a call-to-arms, in effect. We have it on reasonably good authority that there are between three to four cabinet ministers who are disgruntled and are planning a mass resignation. And that means, very simply, a Dan Miller coronation. And as my nephew would say, "This shit just got real." :'''Malcolm:''' Your nephew? :'''Julius:''' Yeah, he's at Charterhouse. Only a day boy, not a boarder. Anyway, the fact is it has to be stopped. Um...There have been a number of ideas being tossed around. And one of them is...would you be prepared to come back? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(in disbelief)'' Are you out of your tiny, shiny fucking mind? :'''Julius:''' Look, we can do this simply. :''(Julius picks up four colored pencils.)'' :'''Julius:''' Step 1: Are you interested? Of course you are. ''(Julius drops a pencil)'' Step 2: Will you come back? Yes? ''(He drops another pencil)'' Superb. Step 3, and this is the important step: Will you use your considerable influence to destroy the cabal? Can I drop it down? ''(Julius drops down that pencil, too)'' Fan-dabi-dozi! Step 4: It's party time. Let's tool up with basmati rice and...Wahey! :'''Malcolm:''' ''(rightfully confused)'' You're asking me -- to come back here and mop up the fucking splatter from my own assassination? :'''Julius:''' You know where the bodies are buried. And we'll just say you're coming back to advise, it's election strategy, it's not a day-to-day government business role. :'''Malcolm:''' I can't come back again unless I know that I'm in the clear in your report. :'''Julius:''' I'm not in a position to discuss that; not with my current hat on. However, would I be sat here now if the man in the other hat—which is also me—wasn't sure that everyone involved in this inquiry didn't come out relatively well? :'''Malcolm:''' And what about Steve Fleming, yeah? You schizo hat fuck? :'''Julius:''' Let me put it this way: You see this onion bhaji? Let us pretend for a minute that this onion bhaji is the problems that would be caused by a report that criticised you or Steve Fleming. Hmm? Watch. ''(Julius takes a bite of the bhaji.)'' You see what I’m doing? I’m eating.. the onion bhaji. ''(He eats the rest of the bhaji.)'' Why? Because I am the man that makes the bhaji go away. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Steve approaches Julius while he's feeding ducks)'' :'''Steve:''' The rain in Spain stays mainly on the plain. :'''Julius:''' Well, actually, that is a popular misconception because what happens is the rain falls just before the mountain ridge, but they wouldn't want you to know that because it would spoil the rhyme. :'''Steve:''' Julius, what's up, Boo Boo? ''(both laugh)'' :'''Julius:''' Not much, I'm just feeding some victuals to these poor old ducks. That red-crested pochard there is positively ''hoggish'' with this Hovis. :'''Steve:''' I heard certain rumblings that I don't come out terribly well in this report of yours. Off the record, matey, am I fucked? :'''Julius:''' Off the record, and this is strictly between you, me and that ornamental gatepost over there, of course; the report is strictly confidential until publication. Haha, do you see what I've done there? The bald man has done a funny. :'''Steve:''' It's not funny. No, it's not funny at all, Julius. :'''Julius:''' ''(continuing to laugh)'' I beg to differ. I think I'm on sparkling form. :'''Steve:''' ''For '''fuck's''' sake!'' You ''FUCKING... Pontius'' Pilate, with the emphasis on '''''PONCE!''''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Glenn:''' ''(reading a headline about Steve and Julius on'' Times Online'')'' 'Care to do another draft, Sir Whitewash?' :'''Ollie:''' What have ''The Mirror'' got? :'''Terri:''' 'Give us the bald facts?' Oh it's very rude that, isn't it: I was always taught never to make personal remarks about people. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Glenn:''' OK, listen up everybody, that was Gavin over at Number 10. He reckons that Steve Fleming has just joined the cabal. :'''Everyone:''' Ooh! :'''Terri:''' That's a complete disaster, there'll be nothing else on television for weeks. :'''Ollie:''' Where's Malcolm? Where's the dark knight in all this? :'''Glenn:''' Malcolm will have grabbed his false passport by now, he'll be on a plane to Brazil, and he's about to spend the rest of his days being [[wikipedia:Marathon_Man_(film)|the world's scariest dentist]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nicola:''' Hello. You all right? You've got that 'cock in the cookie jar' look. :'''Ollie:''' He's back. :'''Nicola:''' Who? Barrymore? :'''Ollie:''' No. :'''Nicola:''' Clement Attlee? ''(realises)'' Oh fuck! :'''Ollie:''' Yes. :'''Nicola:''' Malcolm. :'''Ollie:''' Yes. :'''Nicola:''' Oh, no. God, he's gonna kill me. I was there when he was being sacked and he asked me for help, and I held out and now he's gonna want revenge isn't he? Fuck, fuck, fuck, it's gonna be like 'Kill Bill' or 'Get Carter', only it's gonna be 'Get and kill Nicola and then get Carter and Bill to fucking kill her too'! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nicola:''' Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' Hey Nicola! How are you doing? :'''Nicola:''' You're back. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah I'm just, you know, tying up a few loose ends. :'''Nicola:''' With which you're going to plait some kind of garotte and strangle me. :'''Malcolm:''' Forgive and forget. That's my motto. :'''Nicola:''' I thought your motto was '[[wikipedia:Who_Dares_Wins|Who fucks wins]]' or '[[wikipedia:Honi_soit_qui_mal_y_pense|Honi soit qui Malc y fuck]]'. :'''Malcolm:''' I've got a lot of mottos. Don't take that job, Nicola. :'''Nicola:''' God, Malcolm – :'''Malcolm:''' The anti-Tom brigade are just waiting for the first piece to fall. If you resign, it's political fucking Jenga. You will cause a landslide that will ''bury'' this Government. And you'll keep the party in opposition until Daniel Radcliffe is advertising walk-in baths in the fucking [[wikipedia:The_People's_Friend|People's Friend]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Julius:''' You... :'''Malcolm:''' Julius! :'''Julius:''' ...are a naughty bastard! :'''Malcolm:''' ''(Holding up Julius' report)'' Best thing I've read all year. It's the only thing, mind you. :'''Julius:''' You've done some pretty awful things to me in my time, but this takes the bloody biscuit. And you've pissed on that biscuit and I've got to eat it. Well, here's the news, Malcolm, I will not eat the pissy biscuit! :'''Malcolm:''' Sam, no pissy biscuits. ''(to Julius)'' What are you going on about, Julius? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' Are you off to clear your desk, Steve? Don't forget your lucky [[wikipedia:Gonk|gonk]], and your "World's Shittiest Dad" mug. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Steve:''' I'm going to resign from the Cabinet. And then, I'm going to join Dan Miller's team. ''(beat)'' I think we need a new leader. ''(walks off)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(following)'' Steve! :'''Steve:''' Oh, no, no, no! :'''Malcolm:''' Steve, don't you ever take up fucking poker, 'cause you're a crap liar. :'''Steve:''' I am gonna join Dan Miller's team and then we are gonna take you down; we are gonna take you down to funky town! ''Funky Town Centre, here you come!'' ''CHOO FUCKING CHOO!'' :'''Malcolm:''' Is this what you're threatening me with, fucking disco lights and a fucking choo-choo train? You're a joke, Steve! :'''Steve:''' ''(laughing)'' There's nothing you can do! :'''Malcolm:''' Steve! :'''Steve:''' Yeah? :'''Malcolm:''' There's ''one'' thing I can do! :'''Steve:''' What are you gonna do? :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, wouldn't you like to know! :'''Steve:''' Who are you gonna meet? Who's your meeting with? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(walking off)'' Bye-bye! :'''Steve:''' ''I'M NOT FUCKING WORRIED, MATE!'' ''(walks down the corridor)'' Fuck him! Fuck him! Fuck him! Fuck him! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stewart:''' All right now, listen up, my children of a lesser god, you will find a file marked 'Snap Election Drill' on the J drive. And if you don't know how to access the J drive, hand your pass in at reception, go and buy some silver body paint, and pretend to be a robot on the [[wikipedia:South_Bank|South Bank]]. Fly my pretties, fly! :''(Suddenly, Phil's cell phone rings.)'' :'''Phil:''' Stewart! Stewart, The Fucker's downstairs. :'''Stewart:''' No, no, no. He's not downstairs, but if he were, I'd know about it, and if I knew about it, I would have vetoed it. Okay? :'''Emma:''' He is, and he is complete poison. :'''Peter:''' Ah, The Fucker! ''(to Stewart)'' And you thought he was just a myth created to frighten naughty MPs into eating all their truffles and swan. :'''Stewart:''' Watch my lips. Cal Richards is not here. :''(But Cal Richards IS there...and he's headed their way.)'' :'''Stewart:''' Cal! :'''Cal Richards:''' Hello. :'''Stewart:''' Hi. :'''Cal:''' Hi, Stewart. :'''Stewart:''' Good to see you. I didn't know about this. JB didn't say anything. :'''Cal:''' Hello, everyone. I just wanted it to be a surprise. :''(Cal shakes hands with Peter, Phil and Emma while he's talking to Stewart.)'' :'''Stewart:''' Yeah, why are you...why are you here? :'''Cal:''' Well, mate, I just thought I'd check in with the intellectual powerhouse of the party. That's all. That's why I'm here. :'''Stewart:''' Right. Well, if you want to step in the office, yeah, I'll dismiss the children and we can talk. :'''Cal:''' No. 'Cause I'm kidding, aren't I? No, because I've come here to tell you that you're fucking sacked. :'''Peter:''' (thrilled) Halle-bloody-lujah! :''(A look of doom comes over Stewart's face...)'' :'''Phil:''' Should I escort Stewart from the building, then, Cal? :'''Emma:''' Philip, Don't be such a fucking turncoat. :'''Cal:''' Yes, Philip, excellent idea. And while you're there, could you do me another favour, please? Could you find a hostel, go there, and take a fucking overdose of barbiturates? :''(Emma chuckles at Cal's request.)'' :'''Stewart:''' Yeah, right. Okay, well, I'm not fired. You can't fire me, Cal, so shall we just cut to the chase? Hmm? :'''Cal:''' (pretending to talk like a baby) "Aw, you can't fire me, Cal, 'cause you're..." Gotcha! I'm kidding. Of course you're not fired. Look at your face. :'''Stewart:''' (smiling, but not amused) Funny. :'''Peter:''' I'm sensing a change in management styles here from touchy-feely to smashy-testes. :'''Cal:''' No, okay, joking aside, I'm just an impartial observer. Quite partial, obviously. So, uh, take it away, [[wikipedia:Captain Mainwaring|Captain Mainwaring]]. :'''Stewart:''' ''(to the crowd)'' All right, folks, listen up. We have three key targets when we are smart-bombing our beloved PM and they are: The deficit, unemployment, lack of leadership. Get onto the J drive, you'll find key... :''(And then suddenly -- Cal EXPLODES!)'' :'''Cal:''' ''FUCK, THAT IS BRILLIANT!!'' THAT IS INSPIRED! WHAT SAUCE! GET IN! [[wikipedia:It's_the_economy,_stupid|IT'S THE ''ECONOMY'', STEWPOT]]! Fuck, what I REALLY need to do is to shoot you all in the back of the head! ''(imitating a gun)'' FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! But I can't, because it's illegal! :''(Then, Cal calms back down again.)'' :'''Cal:''' Okay, I'd like a small cappuccino, two extra shots, please. I think we've got a long night ahead of us. ''(to Stewart)'' Come on! :'''Stewart:''' ''(to Cal)'' I'm coming. ''(to Peter)'' Better the devil you know, huh? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Terri''' ''(on the phone)'': I think we're just playing it in the wrong key. It's when we go, ''(sings at a low pitch)'' 'Red and yellow and blue' – :'''Nicola:''' What's she talking about? :'''Ollie:''' Oh. She's putting on her annual production of ''[[wikipedia:Joseph_and_the_Amazing_Technicolor_Dreamcoat|Joseph]]'', in Hemel Hempstead. She doesn't license it ever because she considers ''Joseph'' to be public domain. :'''Terri:''' But I need to just pitch it a little higher. More like, ''(sings at a much higher pitch)'' 'Red and yellow and blue and green' – :'''Glenn:''' She's directing it. And starring. :'''Ollie:''' As Jacob. :'''Nicola:''' With a beard? :'''Ollie:''' Well, one assumes with a beard. Maybe she'll just let herself go for a couple of weeks, see what happens. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm Tucker and Cal Richards are giving pre-election pep talks to their respective parties)'' :'''Malcolm:''' I know what people say to you, right? They say: 'We hate you. I hate you, I hate you, I hate you.' Everybody hates you. So fucking what? Some people, they just fucking love to hate. Some people, they'd fucking walk around the fucking Garden of Eden fucking moaning about the lack of fucking mobile reception. These are the kind of fucks who watched ''Mandela'' – fucking Nelson Mandela – walk to freedom, and said 'Is ''[[wikipedia:Diagnosis:_Murder|Diagnosis: Murder]]'' not on the other side?' So we fucking forget about them. :'''Cal:''' This government has run this country into the ground. This used to be a [[wikipedia:And_did_those_feet_in_ancient_time#"Green_and_pleasant_Land"|green and pleasant land]], now it's the colour of the fucking BBC Weather map. It looks like anaemic dogshit. :'''Malcolm:''' JB, Cal Richards, and their ''hordes'' of fucking robots, they're coming over the hill, towards us! And all you have got to do is this: bend down, pick up any fucking weapon you can, and ''twat'' the fuckery out of them – :'''Cal:''' This government is maimed, but it can't be shamed. It will. Be. FUCKED! :'''Malcolm:''' Let's get out there, and let's fucking kill them, LET'S SET FIRE TO TEARS! Let's go! ''(all applaud and cheer)'' Come on! Let's go, yes! :'''Cal:''' OK, let's get going. :'''Phil''' ''(to Emma)'': What do we do? :'''Cal:''' ''(on an office phone)'' What do I call for an outside line? :'''Emma:''' That was great, wasn't it? :'''Phil:''' What do we do? :'''Cal:''' Is it 9, 'cause that's what it is everywhere else? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cal:''' ''(to an anonymous Opposition member of staff)'' Stop saying "Abingdon" to me, I want a fucking chocolate biscuit!<hr width="50%" /> :'''Peter:''' Yeah, for the first time in a decade, I can feel the old dog twitching to life. :'''Phil''' ''(Chinese accent)'': 'So sorry me! This election give me an erection.' :'''Peter:''' The old dog I was referring to was me. <hr width="50%"/> :''(All DoSAC staff are leaving because of the election)'' :'''Terri:''' See you, Nicola! ''(to herself)'' Or not.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Ollie:''' Is this good, all this panic? I haven't seen ''[[Snakes on a Plane]]'', but I imagine this is pretty much how people would react on finding their plane was brimming with snakes. :'''Nicola:''' Except Malcolm is the snakes, isn't he? I mean, this is more ''Snakes Not on a Plane''.<hr width="50%" />''(deleted scene)'' :'''Malcolm''' ''(walking into Steve's office)'': Steve! Look! I've made an unexpected comeback. Like [[wikipedia:Noel_Edmonds|Noel Edmonds]] or secondary cancer. :'''Steve Fleming:''' Don't get any ideas, Malcolm. I can cut you loose any time I like; I can toss you aside like an unwanted [[wikipedia:Panettone|panettone]], which, I warn you, is ''most'' panettones.<hr width="50%" />''(deleted scene)'' :'''Cal Richards''' ''(giving his pre-election pep talk)'': Remember, this government is like going out with Madonna: at first you think, 'Result'; now we wake up every morning to see an increasingly crazed, craggy-faced egomaniac who jumps on every fucking passing bandwagon.<hr width="50%" />''(deleted scene)'' :'''Terri''' ''(leaving an answerphone message)'': If you have any political enquiries, at any time, 24 hours a day, Oliver Reeder and Glenn Cullen will take – :'''Ollie:''' 24 hours a day? Fuck off. No, we're political advisors, we're not fucking prostitutes. :'''Terri:''' Well, you've spoilt it now. ==Series 4, Episode 1== :''(At the start of this episode, Peter Mannion is headed to the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship -- DoSAC, for short. He is talking on his cell phone to his wife. Today's their wedding anniversary.)'' :'''Peter:''' No, of course I know it's our anniversary. What do you think the card was for? ''(Peter's wife said something to him.)'' I left it on the kitchen table. :''(Peter's wife may not have seen the card.)'' :'''Peter:''' Oh, right. My bad, as they say.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Terri:''' You're a very tidy man, aren't you? :'''Phil:''' 'There's no happiness without order.' It's a Nazi quote, but nonetheless stands the test of time.<hr width="50%" /> :''(We now find out that Peter has a partner at DoSAC in the "Coalition Government.")'' :'''Peter:''' ''(still on his cell phone with his wife.)'' Well, I can't leave before my Coalition partner. Fergus, I told you. (And now, poor Peter's cranky.) Well, I say partner. He's Lewis, I'm Morse. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Peter's partner at DoSAC is Junior MP Fergus Williams. Fergus and his advisor, Adam Kenyon, are proudly getting ready to launch a policy they created, called Silicon Playgrounds.)'' :'''Adam Kenyon:''' I hate to ask, but I've got to ask. Are you ready for today, Fergus? :'''Fergus Williams:''' Yeah. Somewhat. :'''Adam:''' Silicon Playgrounds are -- is -- go. :'''Fergus:''' I just hope Mannion can keep his baccy-stained fingers out of it. :'''Adam:''' Don't worry about Mannion. He's allergic to the 21st century. :'''Fergus:''' Yeah, he didn't like the 20th much and the 19th makes him fart papyrus. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Peter:''' ''(STILL on the phone with his wife...)'' Well, we could celebrate it another time. I mean, technically, and thrillingly, it'll be our anniversary all year! ''(Suddenly, Peter sees the rest of the team coming.)'' Oh, sorry darling, I've gotta go, I think the bailiffs are coming to take away my will to live.<hr width="50%" /> :''(Peter, Fergus, Adam, Phil and Terri join Emma and Stewart in the Meeting Room to discuss Silicon Playgrounds.)'' :'''Stewart:''' Okay, folks, today's headline in Copperplate Gothic Bold, font 72, is: Emma and I broke the fast this a.m. with the PM. :'''Emma:''' And it is a massive yes. So our Silicon Playground initiative is going to be the standard bearer for the Networked Nation. It is a double, double win. :'''Stewart:''' Yes, a double win for both babies of the Coalition, yeah? :'''Emma:''' Absolutely. :'''Stewart:''' (happily) It's "win squared!" :'''Peter:''' Terrific. Right, shall we do a Mexican wave round the table? :'''Fergus:''' From my P.O.V., re all this, big hurrah. We're ready to upload, i.e. let's launch the fucker. :'''Stewart:''' Great, I'm registering your energy, Fergus, but we've decided it's going to be launched by...the Secretary of State for Social Affairs and Citizenship. :''(Fergus and Adam are understandably upset about not being able to launch their policy...but Peter is actually a little MORE upset.)'' :'''Peter:''' (moaning) ''Ohhh...All my gallstones have come at once.'' :'''Fergus:''' Are you fucking serious? :'''Adam:''' What is wrong with you people? Peter can't even right-click a fucking mouse. :'''Phil:''' Well, he can, it's track pads he has a problem with. :'''Adam:''' ''(to Stewart)'' No. No, you come in here like Dr. Robotnik and say, "Oh, I'm sorry." We put in the graft on this. You can't just take it off us. :'''Stewart:''' Oh, I think we can. You see... :'''Emma:''' We can. :'''Stewart:''' You see, Coalition's like a band, guys, yeah, and every band has a frontman. [[Florence and the Machine|He's Florence and you're – well, you're The Machine.]] :''(Then, Glenn Cullen, who's supposed to be on Fergus and Adam's team, enters the meeting room.)'' :'''Glenn:''' ''(cracking a Superman joke)'' Hey! Sorry I'm late, guys. I was just changing in a phone booth. (chuckles to himself) :'''Terri:''' Was that a joke or... :'''Glenn:''' Yeah. No, I was on the phone. ''(to Fergus)'' Hey, Fergus, you look a bit A&E. Everything all right? :'''Fergus:''' No, er, Mannion is announcing Silicon Playgrounds on Stewart's orders. :'''Stewart:''' PM's orders. :'''Glenn:''' What? Hey, hey, hey, hey, hang on a moment. This is demarcation stuff. This is Fourth Sector, right? And I am the Fourth Sector guru. Yeah, I've been on Team Fergus on this, you know, me and the Inbetweeners. :'''Adam:''' The what? The what? Sorry? :'''Emma:''' You know that's what we call you. :'''Stewart:''' That's what they call you. :'''Glenn:''' WE did all the work on this. Us, we're a team, we did it. And now you're going to say we're going to play a new game, pass the parcel, and he gets to unwrap it? (pointing at Peter) I don't think so! This is bollocks, Stewart! :'''Terri:''' Oh, come on, calm down. :'''Glenn:''' Just a second. Bollocks. :'''Terri:''' Glenn, just leave it, leave it. :''(Glenn leaves the meeting room)'' :'''Emma:''' (talking about Glenn) He's seriously going to have a heart attack, look at him. :'''Stewart:''' God, will we cope now? Can we even carry on? :''(Quiet in the room again...)'' :'''Stewart:''' Oh, it doesn't seem to have changed anything. All right, the top line, folks, is this: It's about coalition, remember, yeah? :'''Fergus:''' ''(to Stewart)'' No, this is not about coalition. This is about you nicking our ideas and doing us up the Eurotunnel. :'''Phil:''' Come on. You're basically a couple of homeless guys we've invited to Christmas dinner. Don't bitch because we don't let you carve the turkey. :'''Peter:''' Let me just say it simply for you, Stewart: I don't understand the Networked Nation and the Silicon fucking Playground "gigabits," people watching television on telephones. For what it's worth, I think Fergus should carve this particular turkey. :'''Adam:''' There you go. :'''Stewart:''' Peter, Peter. The Networked Nation is about harnessing the interconnectivity of everyone in society. It's a new way of thinking. Innovation, self-investment, revenue flux, growth, ergo a healthy network. What's so complicated about that? :'''Peter:''' ''(bluntly)'' ''ALL'' the words you just used. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stewart:''' ''(at Peter's office door)'' Ah, Peter. I'm expecting great things! :'''Peter:''' Then you're an idiot. :'''Stewart:''' Laters, legislators. ''(leaves)'' :'''Peter''' ''(looking at Fergus's policy)'': The only way this policy launch could be worse is if I understood the bloody thing. :'''Glenn''' ''(walking in with a file which he dumps on Phil)'': Right, I'm gonna put the old tea-cauldron on! Anybody fancy a brew? :''(They all ignore him. During Emma's line, he gives up and leaves.)'' :'''Emma:''' Peter, risk of sounding like your mum: time for school. You need to get to this meeting. :'''Peter:''' I hate schoolchildren, they're volatile and stupid and they haven't got the vote. Might as well be talking to fucking geese. :'''Phil:''' Well, you know the school's only 10 minutes from your house. You could pop round for a late lunch. :'''Peter:''' Not much of a celebration. "Hello, darling, make me a Cup-a-Soup." Oh, now, I need a thoughtful, very personal present for Tina. Any ideas? :'''Phil:''' Erm, what about a sexy undergarment? :'''Peter:''' (disappointed in Phil's suggestion) No. :'''Emma:''' Perfume. What perfume does she wear? :'''Peter:''' No idea. Expensive, smells a bit of lemons. :'''Terri:''' Peter, before you go, I-I do really need a comment, I'm sorry, on this Tickel protest, please. :'''Peter:''' OK: 'As we enter the third week, I find Mr. Tickle's attention-seeking tent-based twattery even more annoying than weeks one and two.' :'''Terri:''' Can't actually say that. :'''Peter:''' Really? Oh then by implication you know what you can say, so say that instead. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Terri is being called to see Fergus and Adam in Fergus's office.)'' :'''Adam:''' Just to keep you up to speed, Terri, we are going to do a companion launch for Digital Playgrounds tonight at the learning centre at 7 o'clock, all right? :'''Fergus:''' And we just need you to pop a press pack in the Coverley microwave and let us know when you've pinged. :'''Terri:''' Yes, sorry. I don't think I'll be able to get that cleared before 6:00, so that's effectively tomorrow, isn't it? :'''Adam:''' Sorry, Terri, we don't need clearance. We're not covering a Beatles track, we're the fucking Government. :'''Terri:''' Yes, I'm sorry, but I do need to get that through Number 10 before I can do anything. :'''Fergus:''' Uh, was Terri actually in the meeting earlier, Adam? :'''Adam:''' Yeah, she was, Fergus. I know she was there because I heard her humming the theme tune to ''[[wikipedia:Call the Midwife|Call the Midwife]].'' :'''Terri:''' Yes, well, Stewart was very clear about this protocol. It's about the only thing he ever has been clear about. :'''Adam:''' The policy has been agreed. This is just an additional publicity push. :'''Terri:''' Adam, I'm sorry if you think I'm being obstructive, but I cannot -- and I ''will not'' -- do ask you ask. :'''Fergus:''' Well you can't stop me, Terri! OK? I want you to know, YOU CANNOT WIN, [[wikipedia:Nurse_Ratched|NURSE RATCHED]], because this is my moment! Now, you like musicals: well this is [[wikipedia:Tonight_(1956_song)|Tonight]] from West Side Story, yeah? And I'm going to bring the bloody house down, so you can't [[wikipedia:Don't_Rain_on_My_Parade|Rain on my Parade]], [[wikipedia:Funny_Girl_(musical)|Funny Girl]]. Why don't you go and have a lie-down and a [[wikipedia:Hobnob_biscuit|Hobnob]] while we run the fucking country, all right? :'''Terri:''' (unfazed) Anything else? :'''Adam:''' No, don't think so. :''(Fergus is perplexed, Adam is stunned, and Terri gets up to leave...)'' :'''Terri:''' ''(to Fergus)'' Thank you, minister. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Peter, Phil, and Emma are in the car to the policy launch)'' :'''Fergus:''' Does he understand the policy? Forgive my concern, but it's a bit like asking if a dog can grasp the concept of Norway. :'''Terri''' ''(on the phone to Emma)'': We have a question: does he understand the – Oh, she's hung up! Ever the charmless minor royal. :'''Peter:''' And I keep a straight face, do I, when I say to a room full of frogspawn, 'Upload your future'? :'''Emma:''' You know, that sounds great! No pronunciation traps. 'Cause you know what happened to the Chancellor, don't you, at the [[wikipedia:Brit_Awards|BRITs]]? [[wikipedia:Tinie_Tempah|'Tinny' Tempah]]? :'''Phil:''' Well, it could have been worse, I heard he opened his stag do speech with 'my niggaz'. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Peter is at the school making his speech...I Call App Britain!)'' :'''Peter:''' Why is it that Silicon Valley is in America when we have so many net-savvy tech-heads here? They may have the silicon chip, but we have the silicon ''chap''. And of course, chapesses. Er, and we want ''you'' to design game apps for use in the classroom. :'''Emma:''' Sorry, sorry to interrupt: erm, it's not game apps, we're actually looking for educational apps. :'''Peter:''' Er, of course. That's why I'm here to say: I call you up. App. I, I Call App Britain. Yes. And everyone will benefit, not financially, er, not cash in hand, of course: all profits will be stored as part of a digital dividend, which – :'''Raj:''' 'Scuse me, are you saying that if I wrote an app I wouldn't get any money for it? I would be working for free? :'''Peter:''' If you don't mind we'll keep the Q&A to the end. What I wanted to emphasise – :'''Charlotte:''' Sorry, er, why can't you just answer him now? :'''Teacher:''' Charlotte. :'''Charlotte:''' Well, the other lady was allowed to interrupt. :'''Peter:''' Yes, but she's ''my'' lady. ''(everyone laughs except Emma)'' Er, what was your question again? :'''Raj:''' Why won't we profit from this? :'''Peter:''' Oh, but you would! Er, maybe I didn't explain it properly. What's your name? :'''Raj:''' Rajesh. :'''Peter:''' I'm sorry? :'''Raj:''' Rajesh, Raj. :'''Peter:''' Well, er, Rajesh Raj – ''(the students laugh)'' Oh, right. ''(chuckles)'' Well, er, what I, what I wanted to say is that, that you ''would'', er, profit, that any profits you made would be offset against [[wikipedia:Tuition_fees_in_the_United_Kingdom|tuition fees]] – :'''Charlotte:''' Sorry, we don't believe in tuition fees. :'''Peter:''' Well, erm, what's your – :'''Charlotte:''' Charlotte. :'''Peter:''' Oh, well, that's an easier one. :'''Emma''' ''(to Phil)'': Fuck me, I feel like I've just been pushed out of a plane. :'''Raj:''' I make apps. I sell them through Apple and I get paid for it. :'''Peter:''' Good for you, Ra– er, good for you, but with ''us'', you let us license it as part of the Networked Nation policy. We all put in, you see – :'''Raj:''' What do you put into the Networked Nation? :'''Peter:''' Well, er, I am – a Minister. :'''Raj:''' But what do you actually do? :'''Peter:''' I take the, the – science that, that you made earlier, and I – ''apply'' it, in – scenarios that are – cost-effective. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Peter:''' Well at least I got 'I Call App Britain' right. :'''Phil:''' Thankfully with only a modicum of the contempt you used just now. :'''Emma:''' 'Hooray, you got the title right! Let's get the driver to do some victory doughnuts.' You're gonna have to issue an apology, you know. :'''Peter:''' I'm not going back there and saying, 'Oh, that moment when I mistook an abbreviation of your name for your surname: sorry.' I'll look completely mental. :'''Phil:''' You can't apologise for a fart you did a day ago. :'''Emma:''' No, you're gonna have to apologise for the follow-up as well. 'Charlotte, that's an easier name.' :'''Peter:''' ''But it is!'' That's a fact, not a judgement!<hr width="50%" /> :''(And now, Peter finds himself being confronted by a big crowd of reporters and journalists -- outside his own home!)'' :'''Female Reporter #1:''' Minister, why are you at home in the middle of a working day? :'''Peter:''' Um, it's-it's my 30th anniversary and I popped home for lunch after the Silicon Playgrounds launch, which is literally around the corner, and I'll be staying late to make up for it. :'''Female Reporter #1:''' Are you turning schools into teenage sweatshops? :'''Peter:''' I-I'm sorry if this is proving a complex idea. Pupils will receive a digital dividend towards their higher education fees. :'''Female Reporter #2:''' The dividend is optional, though, you can get cash instead? :'''Peter:''' No, you can't, I'm sorry... :'''Female Reporter #2:''' You can according to your Junior Minister. :'''Peter:''' I see. :'''Male Reporter:''' Minister, do you think you came across this morning as a "fibre-optic Fagan?" :'''Peter:''' That's a ridiculous phrase. :'''Male Reporter:''' Well, that, again, is a quote from your Junior Minister. :''(Peter's socially embarrassing predicament continues...)'' :'''Female Reporter #1:''' Minister, is, um, that a bottle of champagne? :'''Male Reporter:''' Drinking on the job, minister? :'''Peter:''' It's a half bottle. Um, as I said, it is my anniversary and I have just recycled it. Er, thank you. Bye. :''(Peter gets into his car.)'' :'''Peter:''' ''(to his driver)'' Run those fuckers over. Fifty quid for every one you maim. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Peter''' ''(shouting at Fergus on his return to DoSAC)'': Thanks a fucking bunch, mate! I couldn't have looked more of a twat, unless I'd announced it dressed as a mermaid with scallops on my tits! :'''Fergus:''' Look, I'm angry, too, Peter. I spent a lot of time on that policy that you just raped in a ditch. :'''Peter:''' Well, it was your stupid idea in the first place. :'''Fergus:''' What are your ideas, Peter? Come on, we'd all love to hear them! A public information film on the best wine to have with fish? A butler on every street corner? :'''Peter:''' This is a long game, Fergus. And I've been around a lot longer than you, Fergus, and I'll still be here when they rip your name off your door and turn your office back into something useful, like a spare toilet! :''(Stewart, from out of nowhere, enters the fight.)'' :'''Stewart:''' BOTH OF YOU DESIST! You have caused me to raise my voice and I do not like it. I reserve this level of anger for when I'm flying Ryanair. Peter's Palace! NOW! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stewart:''' ''(to Peter)'' Drinking champagne in the middle of the day during a recession. Who do you think you are, [[wikipedia:Sean_Combs|P. Diddy]]? :'''Peter:''' It was a half-bottle, on my thirtieth anniversary, ''and'' I was recycling it; at least give me credit for that! :'''Stewart:''' Oh right, no, sorry Peter, yeah, I take it all back. About as strong a defence as 'the fertiliser in my homemade bomb was organic.' What have you got planned for this evening, dancing girls on a yacht? :'''Peter:''' Garage, car, hosepipe. :'''Stewart:''' Oh, good, the anniversary present your wife's been dreaming of. ''(to Fergus)'' And Fergus, what about you? :'''Fergus:''' Well, I'm launching Silicon Playgrounds, properly this time, tonight at a learning centre. :'''Stewart:''' Yeah, something you didn't clear through me. According to Terri Coverley, you announced this before Peter took his daily "gaffe dump." What was the word I used this morning? :'''Peter:''' Oh, you used a lot of words this morning, it was like a fucking [[Will Self]] lecture. :'''Stewart:''' What was the word I used? :'''Fergus:''' Coalition? :'''Stewart:''' BOOM! So you ''will'' go to the learning centre where you will re-explain Silicon Playgrounds ''with Peter'', who will make an abject grovelling apology for being both a digi-tard and an elderly racist! :'''Fergus:''' So first you take the policy away from me for Peter to screw up, then you take ''salvaging'' the policy away from me for Peter to screw up! Good, yeah, that's just great! :'''Peter:''' I'm bored of this! I'm going for a Twix! ''(leaves)'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Peter''' ''(storming out of his office)'': She's NOT on the FUCKING ''LIST!'' ''(enters Fergus's office)'' Will you please tell me why Terri Coverley is not on this list? :'''Fergus:''' Sorry Peter, she's too expensive to get rid of. :'''Peter:''' Oh Christ, Fergus, we both know she's a fart in a frock and I want her wafted out of here. :'''Fergus''' ''(smiling)'': My hands are tied. :'''Peter:''' Fuck you! You're not getting in MY car tonight! ''(leaves)'' :'''Glenn:''' What a very principled stand you're taking. :'''Fergus:''' Yep, but did you see how stressed Mannion was there? Soon he'll be so weak and disorientated he'll stagger off in the night like a tramp who's stood up too quickly. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Peter''' ''(on the phone with his wife)'': No, I don't think today is our entire marriage in a nutshell. Well, we had champagne, and your sister wasn't there.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Phil''' ''(to Adam)'': You're getting a coffwee: coffee with wee in it. <hr width="50%"/> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Peter''' ''(on the phone to his wife)'': Champagne looks bad, PR-wise. I might as well be seen urinating through the letterbox of a closed-down library.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Terri:''' Right, I'd better get on. Sometimes I think I never stop working. :'''Phil:''' You leave at 5:40! :'''Terri:''' One last thing. :'''Phil:''' Yes, [[Columbo]]? :'''Terri:''' The staff cuts. What do you know? :'''Phil:''' Ah, I see, that's what this whole chat's been about, has it, mental pickpocketing? :'''Terri:''' You see, you don't need to tell me: I'll just list off a few names. You do that girly flicky thing with your hair, OK? :'''Phil:''' Bye, Terri. :'''Terri:''' Was that it, was that code? Am I going? :'''Phil:''' No, I'm telling you to fuck off.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Raj:''' What do you actually do? :''(quiet laughter from the students)'' :'''Peter:''' I am the, er, Secretary of State for Social Affairs a-and Citizenship. :'''Phil:''' It's a bit like being the Lord Commander of the [[wikipedia:List_of_A_Song_of_Ice_and_Fire_characters#Night's_Watch_and_wildlings|Night's Watch]]? Er, you watch Game of Thrones, yeah? :'''Raj:''' This is bullshit! :''(the students laugh)'' :'''Teacher:''' Hey, quiet now – quiet! Raj, that language is unacceptable, OK? :'''Peter:''' I'll say, you – you wouldn't use that kind of language in front of your extended family. :'''Students''' ''(shocked)'': Oh! :'''Emma:''' Oh my good God, I cannot believe childbirth is more painful than this.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Adam:''' We have to distance ourself from this ''now''. :'''Fergus:''' Right, OK, I'll call Terri and get her up to speed. :'''Adam:''' Terri is never up to speed. She's stuck in neutral in a fucking rainy car park listening to [[wikipedia:Ken_Bruce|Ken Bruce]]. :'''Glenn''' ''(on his phone)'': Who told you I was the guru? Terri Coverley, right, thank you. Well, I am the guru of the policy, but I'm not the guru of the colossal gang of [[wikipedia:Henry_(vacuum)|Henrys]] who tried to explain it just now.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Peter''' ''(to Raj)'': Yes, well, for you, App-ortunity Knocks. :'''Fergus''' ''(to Raj, quietly)'': It's [[wikipedia:Opportunity_Knocks_(UK_TV_series)|a show]], it's like [[wikipedia:Britain's_Got_Talent|Britain's Got Talent]], from his era. ==Series 4, Episode 2== :'''Ollie:''' Right, sorry to interrupt you at this very sad time, but we do have [[wikipedia:Prime_Minister's_Questions|Prime Minister's Questions]] in ''one hour''. :'''Nicola:''' No it's fine, I've got the lead question, I've got the follow-up sarcastic question and I've got the withering put-down, so I'm prepped, I'm fucking prepped. :'''Ollie:''' Yep. You'll walk rings round him.<hr width="50%" />'''Ben:''' The Leader of the Opposition is in that room, Malcolm, practising ''walking''. I mean, baby horses can walk from the womb, she's one-nil down to a pony. :'''Malcolm:''' A pony isn't a baby horse, it's a foal, a fucking foal is a baby horse. :'''Ben:''' Right, our guest tonight on 'I Don't Give a Fuck about Baby Horses' is me. But we need to do something about Nicola, Malcolm, I mean, you know about her plan – I mean, Nicola with a plan, that's like a toddler with a harpoon, there's a toddler wandering around in that office with a harpoon. :'''Malcolm:''' Yes, well, don't you worry about Nicola's plan. I'll deal with that, Sweaty Betty – Listen, when you wake up in the morning you've got a routine, haven't you? :'''Ben:''' Big shit, granola, check the email, shower and a shave, [[wikipedia:Nespresso|Nespresso]], sometimes a second shit. :'''Malcolm:''' Exactly. You have a plan: that's good. Nicola has a plan: that's not good. But I have a plan: that's fucking great.<hr width="50%" />'''Malcolm''' ''(seeing Nicola bend down in front of the photocopier)'': Oh, that's very moving: '[[wikipedia:Ode_of_Remembrance|They shall not grow old]], who photocopy their arses at the Christmas do'.<hr width="50%" /> :''(Nicola and her advisers, Ollie Reeder & Helen Hatley, are brainstorming ideas for a buzzword for do-gooder members of the public.)'' :'''Ollie:''' They're commuters, they are the street-pounders, street – walkers, um – :'''Nicola:''' You can't call them streetwalkers. :'''Ollie:''' They're the people who deal with the little stuff, erm – [[wikipedia:The_Wombles|Wombles]], Honest Wombles, Everyday Wombles? :'''Malcolm:''' Sorry, I've just got to take a call. :'''Nicola:''' Erm, straights. :'''Ollie:''' No! :'''Nicola:''' No. No, of course, sorry. :'''Helen Hatley:''' Commuting champions. :'''Nicola:''' Interrai– human [[wikipedia:Interrail|interrailers]] – :'''Ollie:''' Human interrailers? That's interrailers. Er, everyday superstars, all British supremes – :'''Malcolm:''' That sounds like a racist tribute band. :'''Nicola:''' Ordinary people, with something special about them, with a special power. :'''Ollie:''' Please don't say special. Don't say special. :'''Nicola:''' No but – you know, but like sup– people as superheroes. :'''Ollie:''' Ironpeople, Spiderpeople. Wolfpeople. :'''Nicola:''' They're just regular citizens, but they have this – that one special quality that makes them like Batman, or Batpeople. Erm, ''Quiet'' Batpeople. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(glaring)'' Quiet Batpeople? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' She's going to have to fall on her sword, which means that we are gonna have to stick one in the ground, trip her up onto it and get somebody to jump up and down on her back for ten minutes. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' Reshuffle: don’t send Ben to the back-benches, he’ll just wank and eat Pringles, leather seats are an invitation to men like him. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nicola:''' Before we finish, I just want to throw one more pebble into the thought pool. :'''Ben:''' Ploop. :'''Nicola:''' Sorry Ben, I missed that? :'''Ben:''' Just I'm sorry, I just, I said 'ploop', it's just the noise of a pebble.<hr width="50%" /> :''(A photographer has managed to take a picture of Helen's 'Quiet Batpeople' notes)'' :'''Nicola:''' "Quiet Batpeople" on every fucking paper! :'''Malcolm:''' Right, this is a wake-up call. And by the way, Helen, the next time you want to make Nicola look like a clown with her fucking hair on fire in a Zumba class, why don't you just take your notes down to [[wikipedia:Snappy_Snaps|Snappy Snaps]] and get them blown up to gigantic charity cheque size, so the partially sighted can be in on the fucking gag? :'''Helen:''' I didn't know they'd be able to see it! :'''Malcolm:''' So we have to seize the agenda. We have to deflect attention away from all this. It's now time to embrace our friend Mr. Tickle. :'''Nicola:''' I can't even say his name without smiling. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, well, ''he's'' not smiling, is he? He's living in a tent, 'cause his key-worker housing's been sold off. :'''Malcolm:''' Yes, and he's a 24-carat fucking nutcase. Which means that Peter Mannion has been picking on a man with a history of depression. That's a way right into the Principality of Pricks right there. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' It's time for you to step up, Ollie. What's that film that you love? :'''Ollie:''' What film? :'''Malcolm:''' The one about the fucking hairdresser, the [[wikipedia:Luke_Skywalker|space hairdresser]] and the [[wikipedia:Han_Solo|cowboy]]. The guy, he's got a [[wikipedia:C-3PO|tin foil pal]] and a [[wikipedia:R2-D2|pedal bin]]. [[wikipedia:Darth_Vader|His father]]'s a robot and he's fucking fucked [[wikipedia:Princess_Leia|his sister]]. Lego! They're all made of fucking Lego. :'''Ollie:''' Star Wars? :'''Malcolm:''' That's the one, right. It's like that, okay? Where you fucking kill all the bad guys, and you'll be able to blow up the big – :'''Ollie:''' Death Star. :'''Malcolm:''' The Death Star thing. Then you can go and live happily ever after on the planet of the teddy bears. :'''Ollie:''' They're Ewoks, they're Ewoks. It's a fantastic analogy, well done. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ben:''' Malcolm, could I have a couple of words please? :'''Malcolm:''' Political lightweight? Making up the numbers? Sorry that's four isn't it? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dan:''' So, your loyalty to Nicola is – :'''Malcolm:''' Unwavering. Right up to the point that – :'''Dan:''' Someone challenges her? :'''Malcolm:''' Not necessary: she's going to kick her own head in, which will be easy for her because she does yoga. No, we just need somebody to hold her jacket while she commits political hara-kiri, and sweep in unopposed, being careful not to tread in the mess. :'''Dan:''' So you think – I should challenge her? :'''Malcolm:''' What the fuck is this, Tinker Tailor Soldier Cunt? Do you, or do you not, want to be the next leader of this party? :'''Dan:''' Yes. :'''Malcolm:''' Right, well, she needs to fuck off in eight months, so it looks like we're giving her a chance. I will teach you the way of tears and love, my friend; now, let's get out of this fucking cupboard before Ben Swain comes in for his lunchtime wank. <hr width="50%" /> :'''Malcolm''' ''(putting his glasses on to read Ollie's phone)'': What is this tiny font? Is it to match your subatomic thoughts? <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm and Ben, and separately Ollie and Helen, are watching Nicola at the [[wikipedia:Remembrance_Sunday#National_ceremony_in_the_United_Kingdom|Remembrance Sunday ceremony]] on TV)'' :'''Malcolm:''' You're right, she can't fucking walk. :'''Ben:''' I mean, should we get a pony to challenge her? :'''Malcolm:''' It's not a fucking pony, it's a fucking foal. :'''Ben:''' Sorry. :'''Helen:''' I don't understand how you can get that wrong. :'''Ollie:''' It's this: ''(demonstrates)'' de-de-clunk! :'''Helen:''' She is officially a [[wikipedia:The_Cenotaph,_Whitehall|Ceno]]-twat. :'''Ollie:''' Fabulous work, sister. Bury her in a grave. [[wikipedia:The_Unknown_Warrior|The Unknown Leader]]. :'''Helen:''' I can't watch: I feel a bit sick. :'''Ollie:''' I just hope there is no afterlife, because if people fought and died for this, it is going to seem even more ridiculously futile. :'''Ben''' ''(to Malcolm)'': Why d'you know so much about horses, anyway? I thought you were raised by wolves.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :''(during the Quiet Batpeople brainstorming)'' :'''Ollie:''' Wombles, Honest Wombles, Everyday Wombles? :'''Helen:''' Right, OK, obviously, you know, we're not gonna block anything 'cause this is a think-thoughting session, erm – :'''Malcolm:''' Sorry, I've just got to take a call. :'''Ollie:''' Think-thoughting, Helen, is what we call, in the real world, thinking. It's the same. Am I say-speaking out of turn? Have I not understood-comprehended you? :'''Helen:''' I don't know, I tuned you out a bit.<hr width="50%" />''(deleted scene)'' :'''Ollie:''' Hiya, I thought you were bollocking Dan Miller. :'''Malcolm:''' Oh, I am. ''(to the empty chair next to him)'' Look at you! You bourgeois, fucking side-parted twat, you flap that bammed-up nutcrease of yours again, and I will fuck you so deep, that if you're not drowned in the blizzard of jizz, your rectum will become the biggest fucking indoor venue in fucking Europe. :'''Ollie:''' Are you OK? :'''Malcolm:''' Sit down.<hr width="50%" />''(deleted scene)'' :'''Malcolm''' ''(to Ollie)'': This is [[wikipedia:Infinite_monkey_theorem|monkey typewriter]] stuff. There's not even a fucking infinite amount of monkeys with an infinite amount of time with an infinite amount of typewriters that'll produce the words, 'Nicola Murray, PM'.<hr width="50%" />''(deleted scene)'' :'''Ben:''' How do you know so much about horses, anyway? I thought you were raised by wolves. :'''Malcolm:''' I don't know anything about horses, apart from that a grown-up one's a fucking horse and a baby one's a foal. And why are you eating my biscuits? :'''Ben:''' I don't know, I found them on here. There's one left. :'''Malcolm:''' They are big wreaths. :'''Ben:''' It's like a toilet seat, isn't it? I mean, it's not, it's lovely. :'''Malcolm:''' What size of a wreath would you need for a nuclear war? :'''Ben:''' There wouldn't be anyone left to put it on the Cenotaph, would there? It'd be carried along by cockroaches or whatever it is they say'll survive. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. ==Series 4, Episode 3== :''(Peter, Emma and Stewart are in the car, on the way to Thought Camp...and ALL 3 of them are on their cell phones. Stewart is talking to a Minister, Emma is talking to Phil, and Peter is talking to his wife. )'' :'''Peter:''' I was picked up at seven, of course I haven't walked the dog. I barely had time to take myself for a shit. :'''Emma:''' Phil, I'm sure you're suffering from "Peter Withdrawal" symptoms, but I really, really need you to keep an eye of the Ticket issue. :'''Stewart:''' Thought Camp ETA 13 minutes, okay? You're taking the bridge, Kieran. :'''Emma:''' Okay, well, you can start by not referring to him as Gyppo. ''Or'' Gypsy, Phil. It's not, it's not the abbreviation that's the problem. :'''Peter:''' If he has a thorn in his paw, it must be from when you took him for a walk yesterday. :'''Emma:''' What do you mean, "You're in charge?" You are not in fucking charge, you doughnut! :'''Stewart:''' Of course you're gonna keep me informed, I want the full crunch on all the feeds, as usual. Everything below the equator. :'''Peter:''' Take him to the dog hospital. (Peter's wife thinks he's being sarcastic.) No, I'm not being sarcastic! There is one! :'''Emma:''' Try and keep an eye on things, all right? :'''Peter:''' The number will be in the folder. The folder. What? (Peter sighs as he realizes he has lost the connection.) :''(Now, all 3 members of Team Mannion are off their cell phones.)'' :'''Peter:''' Where are you taking us, Stewart? This Mind Kampf is in the middle of nowhere. :'''Stewart:''' Thought Camp, Peter, and isolation is the mother of renewal. We shall retreat to go forwards. :'''Emma:''' Terrible signal! Phil sounded like he was phoning in a report on an African coup. :'''Stewart:''' Why's he even gone in today? :'''Peter:''' I put him on Tickel oversight. :'''Stewart:''' Oh, the eviction. :'''Peter:''' Well, cutting the guy ropes on his tent is hardly the Siege of Troy. :'''Emma:''' Bailiffs thought it would be easier today, quicker or quieter. :'''Stewart:''' Yeah, but I want Phil sealed off, right? He makes no statement today, not even off the record. :'''Peter:''' He wanted to feel useful. :'''Stewart:''' Then he should sell his organs. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Glenn and Phil are alone in the DoSAC building.)'' :'''Glenn:''' Yeah, well, we've got the whole palace to ourselves, eh? [[wikipedia:Rosencrantz_and_Guildenstern|Rosencrantz and Guildenstern]]! :'''Phil:''' Yeah, but [[wikipedia:Rosencrantz_and_Guildenstern_Are_Dead|very much alive]]. Well, one of us.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Stewart''' ''(to party staff arriving at Thought Camp)'': OK people, abandon phones, all ye who enter here. And watches too: time is a leash on the dog of ideas.<hr width="50%" />'''Stewart:''' OK lovely people, let's go truffling in the forest of knowledge. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stewart:''' OK people, I'd like to start this session with a question: when is a party not a party? :'''Peter:''' When it's at your house? :''(quiet laughter)'' :'''Emma''' ''(quietly, annoyed)'': Peter! :'''Stewart:''' A party is not a party when it is plural. ''(brings up a slide of a woman on her phone in a crowd)'' There she is, the party, singular: she thinks like you, she votes like you, she is ''not'' you, and yet of course, she ''is'' you. :'''Peter''' ''(to himself, sighing)'': I feel like I've joined the Scientologists. :'''Stewart:''' Some of these people want a federal Britain, others don't. And as long as we continue to do nothing, we can call that "consensus." :'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' Why am I the only senior minister here? Is JB punishing me? :'''Emma:''' Look, Mary Drake's here, Home Office. :''(Peter and Emma nod hello to Mary.)'' :'''Emma:''' ''(to Peter)'' And yes, JB is punishing you. :'''Stewart:''' OK, let's [[wikipedia:Michael_McIntyre|McIntyre]] this: stand up. Let's find out, in fact, chairs to the side, please. :'''Peter:''' Great, vague prancing about. :'''Mary Drake:''' Isn't that one of the fundamental principles of democracy? :'''Stewart:''' ''(to Peter)'' Oh, I'm sorry, Peter, you want to share your thoughts? :'''Peter:''' Hmm? No, we just hoped we were going to do some dancing, er, Stewart. What, Merce Cunningham, something like that? :'''Stewart:''' Okay, maybe later you can share it with us. But first of all, let me share something with you. How about this, Silicon Playgrounds, yeah? What caused this slow-motion pile up? Shall we sit down and chew over "hash-tag epic fail?" Or shall we try and get some solutions on their feet? That's it, just put it at the side, Peter. <hr width="50%" /> :''(Glenn is bringing a tray of coffee and biscuits into Fergus's office.)'' :'''Adam:''' Glenn, you're a marvel, you know, you're like a modern-day [[wikipedia:Jeeves|Jeeves]]. Only not modern. Day. You're like Jeeves, but only not as good. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Fergus is bringing Tara Strachan, a strikingly beautiful economist, to DoSAC HQ.)'' :'''Fergus:''' ''(to Tara)'' Here we are, at the Coalface. ''(to Adam)'' Ah. Adam, this is Tara Strachan. :'''Adam:''' ''(to Tara)'' Hello, lovely to meet you. :'''Tara Strachan:''' Hi there. :'''Adam:''' Really lovely, lovely. :'''Fergus:''' Shall we, er...She's an economist... :'''Adam:''' Real pleasure, actually. :'''Fergus:''' ...and a lady. :'''Adam:''' Yes, obviously. Lovely. :''(Fergus and Adam are quite happy to see Tara. Phil, on the other hand, is a little confused.)'' :'''Phil:''' What's going on? Who's the skirt? :'''Adam:''' Oh, I'd love to bring you up to speed, Phil. I really would, but I'm not gonna live long enough. So tell you what, why don't you go and help Glenn watch his telly? I think the dancing's on in a minute. :'''Fergus:''' ''(to Tara)'' I really like your coat, by the way. :'''Tara:''' (quite flattered) Thank you. Thank you. :'''Fergus:''' It's like a leopard. :'''Tara:''' It is a little bit. :'''Fergus:''' Or a cheetah. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Tara is sharing her idea for micro banking with Fergus and Adam.)'' :'''Tara:''' The beauty of this model... :'''Fergus:''' Yeah. :'''Tara:''' ...um, is that micro banking can happen anywhere, okay? :'''Fergus:''' Great. :'''Tara:''' Small, low-interest loans, that's the way forward. :'''Adam:''' This is terrific. I mean, it's so fucking us, it's brilliant. :'''Fergus:''' (trying to calm Adam down) Adam, Adam. :'''Adam:''' Ah. :'''Tara:''' Oh, don't worry, I don't mind swearing. Shows passion. I've done some community enterprise case studies. Sisters who want to set up a pop-up baker's in a disused travel agents, the boiler guy who wants to take on an apprentice. :'''Adam:''' Yeah. :'''Fergus:''' The helping hand for hands-on people. :'''Tara:''' Yeah. :'''Adam:''' I like that, that's great. That's really good. :'''Fergus:''' Making sure the can-doers don't get canned. :'''Adam:''' Terrific. Yeah, really good. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Meanwhile, at Thought Camp, Peter is playing a "mind game." He has a Post-It note stuck to his head with a political issue written on it, and he has to guess what it is. He needs Mary Drake's help.)'' :'''Peter:''' Would I be comfortable or uncomfortable... :'''Stewart:''' Yes or no questions only, please, Peter. :'''Peter:''' Would I be uncomfortable talking to Andrew Marr about this concept on the television? :'''Mary:''' Yes. :'''Peter:''' Am I Diversity? :'''Mary:''' No. :'''Stewart:''' You're out of questions, Peter. :''(Peter finally takes the Post-It note off his head -- and then gets REALLY upset.)'' :'''Peter:''' Oh, for fuck's sake! Inclusivity's practically the same as Diversity! :'''Mary:''' ''(chuckles)'' No it's not. :'''Stewart:''' No it isn't, Peter. :'''Peter:''' I could be at home watching the snooker with a bottle of unpronounceable scotch. Can I sit down now? ''(Peter sits down)'' I'm sitting down, I don't care. :'''Stewart:''' Actually, we can all sit down now. Thanks, Peter. Um, so take a chair 'cause Emma's going to co-steer module four with me. We're gonna do a kind of Top Trumps stats check on the PM's future enemies, yeah? Strengths, weaknesses, blocking moves and take-downs. Em. :'''Emma:''' Great. Thank you, Stewart. :'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' You've turned into the wrong Mitford sister. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Meanwhile, back at DoSAC HQ, the Banking Brainstorm continues...)'' :'''Tara:''' Basically, we'd set up a network of microcredit lenders at neighborhood level. :'''Adam:''' This is great. So what would it be called? Like the Citizen's Bank, or... :'''Fergus:''' The People's Bank? :'''Tara:''' Um, Community... :'''Fergus:''' The Credit Fund? ''(correcting himself)'' No, no, credit's a bad word. :'''Adam:''' Negative. Something, something with "Advance..." :'''Fergus:''' The We Bank? :'''Tara:''' The We Bank. :'''Adam:''' I like that. :'''Fergus:''' Although it does sound a bit like a...sperm bank. But for wee. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Glenn is reporting the latest Tickel Watch news to Phil.)'' :'''Glenn:''' There's a bit of a farce going on here with your Mr. Tickle. They've turned up to evict him and he's not there. :'''Phil:''' Good. Self-evicted. Gone. Problem solved. Anyway, what's going on with Fergus and Adam and the "Sexy Stranger?" She's some kind of economist, apparently. :'''Glenn:''' Oh, don't be ridiculous, she's far too attractive. :'''Phil:''' You can get sexy economists. What about Stephanie Flanders on ''Newsnight?'' :'''Glenn:''' Yeah, that's true. I quite like Emily Maitlis. :'''Phil:''' Really? Well, I'm sure she'd love a grey pounding. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tara:''' Do you want to have an "ideagasm?" :'''Adam:''' ''(very much turned on)'' Yes, please. :'''Tara:''' Ask me how we'd initially fund this. :'''Fergus & Adam:''' How would we initially fund this? :'''Tara:''' A one-off Robin Hood tax. Steal from the fat cats, raise enough seed capital for hundreds of start-up funds for fledgling businesses. :'''Adam:''' You know what? This could work really well for us. This, this is, yeah. :'''Tara:''' Yeah? :'''Adam:''' I mean, let's just talk, uh, figures. What sort of start-up capital are we talking here? :'''Tara:''' Not very much. I think we're looking at about £2 billion. :'''Fergus:''' £2 billion? :'''Tara:''' £2 billion. :'''Fergus:''' Good. Well, um...I mean, obviously, I'd have to ring the Treasury. :'''Tara:''' Sure. :'''Fergus:''' And twist a few arms. You know, it'll take a couple of weeks to work up, but we are extremely keen to set that process in motion. :''(Stewart and his team are discussing potential new Leaders of the Opposition at Thought Camp.)'' :'''Stewart:''' OK, let's architecturalise this, yeah? :'''Peter:''' Oh, don't bother. If it's Ben Swain, we all shout ''Sweaty Swain'' as he dehydrates himself through PMQs. Holhurst looks like a shepherd dressed up to meet the Queen, and if it's Dan Miller we're fucked.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Tara:''' I should tell you I do also have a meeting with Dan Miller booked in. :'''Adam:''' ''(suddenly concerned)'' What? I would just knock that right on the head. Don't -- don't do it. :'''Fergus:''' Well... ''(awkward laughter from all 3 people)'' He's in opposition. We rule. :'''Adam:''' We're the rulers, we're the governors. :'''Fergus:''' And, you know, in the end...this is so fucking us. :'''Adam:''' Fuck yeah! :'''Fergus:''' Yeah. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Phil's looking up Tara Strachan's bio on his cell phone.)'' :'''Phil:''' Here, uh, "Tara Strachan, LSE, Harvard, author of ''Strapped: Why We're in Debt to Each Other,'' ''Small is Bountiful,'' Expert in micro-financing and community credit guilds." God, that sounds dreary. :'''Glenn:''' Bloody hell, that's all Fourth Sector stuff! I mean, why have they kept me out here like a stray dog? :'''Phil:''' And why are they keeping Mannion out of it? This is-this is government business! :''(Phil suddenly realizes that Adam and Fergus are working on a policy behind Peter's back. Phil runs to Fergus's office.)'' :'''Phil:''' Right, that's enough. Stop, stop, stop! I demand an explanation. :'''Adam:''' Sorry, Phil, we're busy. Maybe come back in, I don't know, 2017? :'''Phil:''' As Peter's representative, it's as though you lied to him. That's not good, probably illegal. :'''Adam:''' If you want to see something probably illegal, pass me that fucking stapler over there! :'''Tara:''' Er, listen, is there a problem with me being here? :'''Fergus:''' Not at all. :'''Phil:''' Yes, you're not supposed to be here, the minister is unaware that you're here, so I'm gonna have to ask you to leave. :'''Adam:''' Oh right, so she's a security risk? Oh no no no! I'd forgotten: you're not allowed within 50 feet of most women. :'''Phil:''' How do you explain this, then? ''(waves his arm in and out of Adam's personal space)'' I'm within 50 feet of you. Hahaha. ''You're'' a woman. :'''Adam:''' Oh, brilliant. That is really good. :''(They stop bickering when they hear Glenn)'' :'''Glenn''': ''(offscreen)'' FUCK! TICKLE'S DEAD! :'''Phil:''' Oh shit...! :'''Adam:''' Jesus...! :''(Phil, Fergus and Adam run to the TV, where Glenn is watching [[wikipedia:BBC_News_(TV_channel)|BBC News]])'' :'''Glenn:''' Oh God, he's killed himself, suicide. He used a car exhaust. :'''Phil:''' Hey, classic: the Bohemian Rhapsody of suicide. :'''Glenn:''' Oh, Phil, for fuck's sake! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Adam doesn't like the way that Phil is handling the latest DoSAC crisis -- to say the least.)'' :'''Adam:''' It's like there's a little twelve-year-old boy, in a suit, with a fucking light saber in his desk - don't think I don't know it's there - running this department when Mannion's away... :'''Phil:''' Yeah, so what? :'''Adam:''' It's a fucking joke! :'''Phil:''' No it's not! No it's not! Have you ever seen ''Game of Thrones'' Season 2? :'''Adam:''' No! :'''Phil:''' Or Anakin Skywalker, he was young. Frodo, in his thirties, still young for a hobbit. You know, I'm in charge, because I'm a Jedi and you're a fucking Ewok! :'''Glenn:''' Right. What is the Ewok position on this, then? <hr width="50%"/> :''(Fergus, Adam, Glenn and Phil are trying to get a handle on the news of Mr. Tickel's suicide.)'' :'''Phil:''' The line from Stewart via Emma was that I do nothing. That was the one clear instruction they gave me, okay? We ignore him and he goes away. :'''Fergus:''' He is dead. :'''Phil:''' Which makes him easier to ignore. :'''Fergus:''' As a minister, I should at least express condolences. :'''Phil:''' ''(stammering)'' That-that-that should come from Peter. :'''Fergus:''' But he's not here. I am. :''(Terri enters the room.)'' :'''Terri:''' Has anyone seen my Bluetooth headset? :'''Phil:''' Look, I speak for Peter and I say that we look guilty if we say we're sorry he died. :'''Terri:''' I'll take that as a no. :'''Adam:''' Listen, Phil. I was a journalist, okay? Now if you don't respond, you create a vacuum that sucks in speculation, and then you can't respond. You get sucked fucking inside-out! :'''Phil:''' Look, Tickle wasn't the Queen of People's Hearts, he was a twat in a tent. :'''Glenn:''' TICK-EL! HE WAS CALLED TICK-EL! WE DROVE A MAN TO HIS DEATH! WE ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Fergus and Adam FINALLY come back to see Tara to tell her the good news about launching the bank.)'' :'''Fergus:''' Great stuff, Tara. We're gonna go ahead with the bank. :'''Adam:''' Yeah, meeting's over. :'''Tara:''' ''(surprised)'' Don't you need to talk to the Treasury? :'''Fergus:''' We've done that. :'''Tara:''' Okay, Well, um, let's talk details. When it comes to interest rates, obviously you've got... :'''Adam:''' ''(jokingly)'' Well, hey, you know, don't talk us out of it. You don't wanna do that. :'''Tara:''' ''(smiling)'' So, is-is this the green light? :'''Fergus:''' Uh-huh! Yep! £2 billion! :'''Tara:''' Oh my God! :''(An overjoyed Tara gives both Fergus and Adam a hug, much to their surprise!)'' :'''Tara:''' We'll be in touch! :'''Fergus & Adam:''' Thank you. :'''Tara:''' Thank you. :'''Fergus:''' ''(to Tara, walking her to the elevator)'' Lovely to meet you, great. :''(Phil is wondering what policy Fergus, Adam, and Tara have just launched...)'' :'''Phil:''' What have we just green-lit? :'''Adam:''' Well, we are starting a community bank with £2 billion. :'''Phil:''' Right, is that the £2 billion we keep in the biscuit tin? :'''Glenn:''' This is just great. This is just fucking great. I hang around this moral abattoir to do something exactly like this and you shut me out? :'''Terri:''' So, I'm spending my bank holiday founding a bank? I thought the point about bank holidays is that they're supposed to be shut. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Fergus is still talking to Tara while walking her to the elevator. They're still excited about the bank.)'' :'''Fergus:''' You know, when we see something we like, we just buy it. :'''Tara:''' Oh, wow. :'''Fergus:''' That's the way we work round here. :'''Tara:''' I hope the Tickel, um...situation is all okay. :'''Fergus:''' Uh, well, it'll be fine. :'''Tara:''' Thank you. :'''Fergus:''' Great. Lovely to meet you. :'''Tara:''' See you soon. :''(As soon as the elevator Tara's traveling in closes, Fergus runs back to the offices and takes charge of the situation.)'' :'''Fergus:''' Right! I'm in fucking charge! And I'm going Nordic drama! ''(to Adam)'' Adam, secure the economist. ''(to Phil)'' You, get Stewart and Mannion back here STAT! :'''Adam:''' Brilliant. Got that, guys? Yeah? Okay? :'''Phil:''' ''(calling out to Fergus)'' Sure. I'll-I'll do it your way for now, Fergus, but, uh, they left me in charge for a reason. :'''Adam:''' I bet you line up all your action figures on the edge of your bath, don't you? :'''Phil:''' 1: I've got a shower. And 2: They're still in the boxes. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Phil, sitting in Peter's office chair, has just left a voicemail for Emma.)'' :'''Glenn:''' ''(entering)'': Have you got any of them yet? :'''Phil:''' No, everyone's ignoring me. It's like the first year of university all over again. Fuck it, the whole of university! ''(Peter's office phone rings.)'' Jesus. ''(answers)'' Hello? No, I can categorically say that Peter Mannion will not be resigning over this. Thank you. ''(hangs up)'' :'''Terri:''' ''(entering)'' Who was that? :'''Phil:''' ''[[wikipedia:The_World_at_One|World At One]]''. I handled it. :'''Terri:''' You don't handle ''The World At One'', Phil, they're not stolen goods. Now listen, if you want to go and play phones, you can go down to the crèche where there's a big phone with big boggly eyes that go round and round when you wheel it about. Now piddle off! :''(Phil leaves. Terri sits down in Peter's chair.)'' :'''Glenn:''' We've got to put something out there, Terri. :'''Terri''': That boy is a simpleton. Two hundred years ago, they wouldn't have let him milk a cow. ''(phones a journalist)'' Jonty! Terri here over at Hectic House. ''(laughing)'' No! No, Peter's not resigning! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Female party worker:''' Free apples! ''[throws ball]'' :'''Everyone:''' Yes and ho! :'''Male party worker:''' Uh, free coffins. ''[throws ball]'' :'''Everyone:''' Yes and ho! :'''Peter:''' Reduce the deficit with spending cuts. :'''Everyone except Stewart:''' Yes and ho! :'''Stewart:''' Peter, Peter, I want to hear new ideas ricocheting off your synapses like a pinball, not just a two year old slogan. :'''Peter:''' Okay, Doctor Jazz, let's hear it. ''[throws ball]'' :'''Stewart:''' We do away with computers. :'''Everyone except Peter:''' Yes and h- :'''Peter:''' ''You idiot!'' That's '''''fucking''''' mental! :'''Stewart:''' No blocking, Peter, only counterpoint. Do away with computers, what do we think? How will it affect us? Good idea? Bad idea? :'''Peter:''' Good idea for me, I wouldn't get anymore of your ''fucking'' emails. ''[Peter gets up]'' :'''Stewart:''' Try and stay cross-legged if you can, but don't break the circle... :'''Peter:''' I'm 54, Stewart. My knees are fucked and my patience is snapped. Some of us had to go through this hippie shit the first time around. :'''Stewart:''' I'm not talking about trying to sell it to the electorate, Peter. I'm talking about exploring it within the free space of the circle. :'''Peter:''' Okay, give me the ball. Give me the ball! Give me the ball. ''(Peter tries to wrestle the ball away from Stewart)'' :'''Stewart:''' No! :'''Peter:''' Give me... give me the ''FUCKING'' ball, Stewart! ''[grabs the ball]'' Let's do away with you. :'''Stewart:''' What? :'''Peter:''' Filter's off, Daddy-o! Let it all hang out! Just suppose your free-range no-consequence bullshit was hugely entertaining when we were in opposition and shitting money, but now we're in government and it's all gone a bit [[wikipedia:J._G._Ballard|J.G. Ballard]], it's irrelevant and infantile! :'''Stewart:''' Oh, very droll, Peter. :'''Peter:''' Oh, and maybe the reason you don't mind handing your phone in is that it doesn't ring as much as it used to. Oh, sorry; ''doesn't ring as much as it used to, yes and ho.''<hr width="50%" />'''Glenn:''' Want the opinion of an old lag? Mannion will have to go. :'''Phil:''' Stick to 'policemen are getting younger', Glenn. Peter's going nowhere, and I don't mean that in a Glenn's career kind of way. :'''Glenn:''' I've seen a lot of people resign, and they're always happier afterwards. :'''Phil:''' You're thinking of lobotomies. Peter resigns over my dead body. :'''Glenn:''' Yes. Yes, that would be the ideal scenario. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Peter, Emma and Stewart are wondering why they have been called away from the Thought Camp.)'' :'''Emma:''' It's probably just Phil, he'll have run out of colouring books or something. :'''Peter:''' Anything to get out of Stewart's think sphincter. :'''Stewart:''' ''(to the hotel receptionist)'' Hello, receptionist. Could I have my phone, please? :'''Receptionist:''' Um, your name, sir? :'''Stewart:''' It's Stewart. :'''Receptionist:''' Stewart? :'''Stewart:''' Stewart Pearson. :'''Peter:''' Peter Mannion. Mine's the old Nokia. Yeah, thank you. :'''Stewart:''' Look, mine's the one with Stewart written on it. :''(Nobody can get a good reception on the phones...)'' :'''Peter:''' I can't get any reception. :'''Receptionist:''' No, you won't round here. :'''Peter:''' What? :'''Receptionist:''' "No reception at reception," we always say. The best spot, sounds stupid, is the children's play area, top of the slide? <hr width="50%"/> :''(Peter and Stewart are forced to run over to the playground to get a reception!)'' :'''Stewart:''' God, I hate the country. ''(to Peter)'' Get higher, you idiot. :'''Peter:''' That's it, that's it, I've got something. :'''Stewart:''' Download the intel, Peter. Come on, put it on speaker. :'''Peter:''' No, I've got loads of messages from my wife and from Phil. :''(Peter's listening to the messages on his cell phone.)'' :'''Peter:''' She's taking the dog to the hospital... :'''Stewart:''' Oh, come on. :'''Peter:''' She's had a long wait...the wound in his paw's gone septic. :'''Stewart:''' Oh please, Peter, move on. :'''Peter:''' Tickle's dead. :'''Stewart:''' What? :'''Peter:''' ''(stunned)'' Tickle's dead. :'''Stewart:''' Okay, it's my turn on that signal, Peter, get down. :'''Peter:''' Wait, I'm listening to the message! I'm listening to the fucking message! Don't -- :'''Stewart:''' I need to get this signal! :''(Peter still doesn't want to slide down the slide.)'' :'''Stewart:''' Stop being so childish! :'''Peter:''' Jesus Christ! :'''Stewart:''' Just get down, Peter. :''(Peter slides down the slide.)'' :'''Stewart:''' I've got it! I've got it! :''(Emma's come over to the playground.)'' :'''Emma:''' Playtime's over. Tickle's dead, okay? Number 10's gone off the hook mental. Stewart, take my phone to call the PM. ''(Emma gives Stewart her cell phone.)'' :'''Emma:''' ''(to Peter)'' Right, Phil's meeting us, he's going to bring a shirt, suit and tie. You are not going to arrive looking like the manager of an organic wine bar. ''(to both Peter and Stewart)'' Right. Come on, come on, come on! Movement! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Fergus, Adam and Glenn are discussing strategy back at DoSAC.)'' :'''Glenn:''' Well, anyway, um, Mannion has surely got to freeze housing disposals now. :'''Fergus:''' Yeah. And on that point, Glenn, I wonder if it might be at all helpful if we collated every single statement Mannion's made about Tickle and the sell-off policy? :'''Adam:''' Yeah, as a sort of favor to selected hacks. Put a bit of air between us and the policy. A ''lot'' of air. :'''Glenn:''' Adam, this is not the time for party political point-scoring. At least let the body get cold. :'''Fergus:''' Of course, understood. What was it? What was it Peter said to those Welsh chartered surveyors? :'''Adam:''' The health service should be for care, not subsidized housing. I mean, that is... :''(Adam mimes an explosion.)'' :'''Glenn:''' Jesus, is this what we came into politics for? :'''Adam:''' Yeah. That and the pussy. <hr width="50%"/> :''(In the car back to DoSAC HQ from Thought Camp, Phil hands Peter a rainbow tie.)'' :'''Peter:''' What's that? I'm supposed to be commenting on a suicide, not a fucking camel race! :'''Phil:''' I thought it would balance out the bad news. You know, yin-yang. [[wikipedia:Jon_Snow_(journalist)|Jon Snow]] does it. :'''Stewart''' ''(on his phone)'': I want Tickle's movements over the last 24 hours, and I want his complete mental health records since he first sat on a potty. :'''Peter:''' Do you think you might need one or two computers for that, Stewart? :'''Emma:''' ''(on her phone)'' Yeah, okay, well, we're going to try and dredge up some firefighting strategy. Yeah, yeah. Absolutely. I'll top-load you as soon as we arrive. Yeah, thanks, okay. All right, bye. :''(Peter is struggling to put his suit jacket on with his seatbelt on.)'' :'''Peter:''' Can I, can I take the seatbelt off? :'''Emma:''' ''(to Peter)'' No, Peter. ''(Emma then sees Stewart tapping his head nervously.)'' Stewart, what are you doing? :'''Stewart:''' It-It helps with the car sickness. :'''Peter:''' This is great, isn't it, Stewart? A conference on crisis management that's been scuppered by an actual fucking crisis. :'''Phil:''' We don't even know why he killed himself yet. I mean, suicide, it's pathetic! At least take some of your enemies with you, that's a noble death. :'''Emma:''' This is going completely nuts, so many questions being asked! :'''Stewart:''' Yes, starting with "Why did Phil bring a tie from the '90s?" :'''Phil:''' Yeah, don't panic, I brought an alternative. ''(shows Peter a black tie)'' :'''Peter:''' But that's too far the other way! :'''Stewart:''' It makes him look guilty. :'''Phil:''' How can he be guilty? He's got the perfect alibi, he was at boot camp. :'''Peter:''' Oh! :'''Emma:''' Brilliant, let's release that, hey? 'There's no actual blood on his hands ''and'' he remembered to wipe the fingerprints off the knife!' :'''Phil''' ''(showing Peter his tie)'': Look, you can wear my tie, what about mine? :'''Peter:''' What's on your tie? :'''Phil:''' Tintin moon rockets. :'''Peter:''' Oh, for fuck's sake! :'''Stewart:''' ''(to Phil)'' God, it amazes me you ever found your way out of your mother's womb! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stewart:''' Terri, poppet, can you send me out a cry-mail, 'We give a toss, we're sorry for your loss', yeah? Peter, we might need to relaunch the trousers. And get him a tie, a bland one; Glenn, one of yours, yeah? :''(Phil goes to get Glenn's tie)'' :'''Fergus:''' Er, Peter, I have a bit of news I should probably make you aware of. :'''Peter:''' Yes I do know, Fergus, a man with an amusing name has died. :'''Fergus:''' Er, no, actually, it's that this morning I, well, I set up a community bank. :'''Emma:''' ... What? :'''Peter:''' You did what? You s– You set up a bank? :'''Phil''' ''(returning with Glenn's tie)'': I had a moment of weakness and they exploited it, like [[wikipedia:Hugh Grant|Hugh Grant]]. :'''Fergus:''' Yeah, well, we didn't really have much choice 'cause it was all going to piss in a kettle here, so we had to get the economist out of the way. :'''Peter:''' What are you talking about? What economist? :'''Fergus:''' Well, we were having a preliminary meeting when Phil started to crow, Glenn was having a meltdown, it was getting embarrassing! :'''Peter''': You bought a bank out of social embarrassment? I sometimes buy ''[[wikipedia:The_Big_Issue|The Big Issue]]'' out of social embarrassment, I don't buy a ''fucking '''bank!''' :'''Fergus:''' Peter, this is so fucking us. :'''Stewart:''' Yeah, let me just wind back, right? Let's get this straight, just so that I can deal with you two properly: how much is this bank? :'''Fergus and Adam:''' Well, £2 billion. :'''Emma:''' ''£2 billion?'' :'''Stewart:''' Sweet Tracey Emin! :'''Adam:''' Alright, don't need to shit yourself about it, because we're not buying it. OK? It's funded by taxes. :'''Emma:''' Oh, that's alright then! :'''Peter:''' Oh great, the triple! I'm a nurse-killer, a banker, and now I'm raising '''''fucking TAXES?''''' :'''Fergus:''' Well, you are meant to be the bad cop, so what's our out? :''(Phil drapes Glenn's tie around Peter's neck)'' :'''Peter:''' You're giving me an actual noose along with a metaphorical one. TROUSERS! :'''Phil:''' Sorry, I'm getting the trousers – ''(interrupted by an alert on his phone)'' Jesus! What were you guys doing at the hotel? There's a picture of you on a slide, it's been tweeted by a golfer. :'''Emma:''' ''(looks at the photo)'' Oh, f– :'''Stewart:''' ''(receiving Phil's phone)'' No no no no no no... :'''Phil:''' It's gonna go big, probably viral. Bigger than ''[[wikipedia:Charlie_Bit_My_Finger|Charlie Bit My Finger]]''. :'''Adam:''' You look like the [[wikipedia:The_Swiss_Family_Robinson|Shit Family Robinson]]. :''(Stewart suddenly screams and hurls Phil's phone at the wall, narrowly missing Emma)'' :'''Emma:''' Jesus Christ! :'''Terri:''' Shit! :''(Stewart storms off)'' :'''Adam:''' Oh, poor Stewart. I think a bit of his brain broke. :'''Phil:''' My phone broke! I was up to Warlock General in Dragonlance! A year of my life, gone! :'''Fergus:''' Er, Peter, speaking of socially embarrassing situations, what the fuck were you doing being photographed ''on a slide''? :'''Peter:''' It was the only place we could get a FUCKING SIGNAL! :'''Fergus:''' Two grown men in a playground, that's a pretty 'clear signal'. :'''Emma:''' Peter, Number 10 have seen the photo. They don't want you to make a statement. So Fergus, looks like you're up. Statement on Tickle in 10 minutes, OK? :'''Fergus:''' Bring it! :'''Emma:''' I'm gonna go and talk Stewart down. :''(Phil tries to hand the pair of trousers to Peter.)'' :'''Peter:''' I don't want the fucking trousers! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Phil gives Glenn his tie back.)'' :'''Phil:''' Here you go, I managed to wrestle your tie back off Terri. I think there's still some of her fingernails in it, though. :'''Glenn:''' Well, in the grand scheme of things, that's not such a big deal. :'''Phil:''' You're not going to come and watch your guy give the statement? :'''Glenn:''' No. He's not my guy, Phil. I'm on my own here, there's no one quite like me. Not here, not any more. :'''Phil:''' Yeah. You're the last [[wikipedia:VHS|VHS]] in [[wikipedia:Oxfam|Oxfam]]. They won't take them anymore, I've tried. Seasons 1 to 5 of ''[[wikipedia:The_X-Files|The X-Files]]'', nothing, can't give them away. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Peter and Stewart share an unexpected bonding moment over their mutual dislike of Fergus while watching him on TV.)'' :'''Fergus:''' ''(talking to the reporters)'' ...for a fairer NHS, for a fairer public housing program. :'''Peter:''' He's exactly why people hate politicians. He's making me hate politicians -- ''him'' in particular. :'''Stewart:''' Any second now, he's gonna do the imaginary tits. :''(Fergus does the "imaginary tits...")'' :'''Peter:''' There they are. ''(Both Peter and Stewart let out sarcastic chuckles.)'' :'''Fergus:''' Thank you. ''(Fergus heads back inside.)'' :'''Peter:''' Look at him. ''(beat)'' Moments like this make you realize why Elvis shot so many TVs. ==Series 4, Episode 4== :'''Malcolm:''' ''(on the phone)'' Sam, hi, listen, can you do me a favour? Buy some flowers for Nicola fucking Murray. Yeah, have them delivered to her home this evening with a card that says: "Sorry you had to go, but let's face it, you are a fucking waste of skin". Waste of skin, yeah. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to a hospital receptionist)'' Morning. I'm looking for a Mr. Oliver Reeder. He looks a bit like a Quentin Blake illustration. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ollie:''' ''(answers his mobile)'' Hi Mum. Yeah, a bit sore – :'''Malcolm:''' ''(entering Ollie's room)'' Here she is, Britain's latest post-op transsexual. How did they do that, did they actually manage to graft one on? ''(briefly lifts up Ollie's bedsheet)'' :'''Ollie:''' I'll call you back, Mum. ''(hangs up)'' It's the scary Morrissey! :'''Malcolm:''' ''(throws Ollie some flowers)'' I've come to cheer you up. :'''Ollie:''' Did you actually buy me flowers, Malcolm? :'''Malcolm:''' No no no, it's [[wikipedia:Roadside_memorial|one of the many advantages]] of living close to an accident blackspot. So how are things, the little boy from ''The Secret Garden?'' :'''Ollie:''' Well, you know, there's no Wi-Fi, there's basic Freeview. It's like living in 2003. But I am lighter to the tune of one whole appendix, so I do feel very svelte. :'''Malcolm:''' So have you seen this? ''(holds up the'' Guardian'', which leads with an interview with Steve Fleming)'' :'''Ollie:''' ''(reads the headline)'' "Nicola Murray is 'unelectable'"? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(throws Ollie the paper)'' Fleming is foaming. :'''Ollie:''' Is that it then, is she fucked? :'''Malcolm:''' Like [[w:Caligula|Caligula]]'s favourite watermelon. Fleming's fired the starting pistol so we can all start firing our ''actual'' pistols into her fucking fat unelectable smug head. :'''Ollie:''' How...Is this it now? :'''Malcolm:''' It's on. It's on like Fat Pat's thong. We're putting Nicola on a train today to Bradford. It's the closest as I could get to locking her in a metal box. :'''Ollie:''' Oh, this is the Here 2 Hear thing. What a great idea, going around the country listening to people tell you that they hate you, just in different accents. ''(In various accents)'' "I fucking hate you." "I hate you." "I fucking hate you." :'''Ollie:''' So wait, today's the day? :'''Malcolm:''' Today's the day. Once she's on the train, I'm going to detonate the main bomb, but I need you to set one off later. :'''Ollie:''' ''(laughing)'' Malcolm, I'm in hospital, I'm not wearing any pants! :'''Malcolm:''' I don't care if you've been dead for a year and playing cribbage with [[wikipedia:Jimmy_Savile|Jimmy fucking Savile]]. I want you to make a bomb and explode it, today. :'''Ollie:''' ''(confused)'' This is a metaphorical bomb, right? :'''Malcolm:''' This is it, [[wikipedia:Jack_Bauer|Jack fucking Bauer]]. Time for you to embrace your inner bastard.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Nicola:''' I'm not going to exploit a suicide. :'''Malcolm:''' Come on, you can't look a gift corpse in the mouth, you should be taking that corpse and slapping the Government about the face with it. Bit of slap with Tickle, yeah? :'''Nicola:''' No, I'm not doing it, it's insensitive, as was that. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nicola:''' Erm, John, maybe – :'''John Duggan:''' Please, call me JD, I've rebranded. :'''Nicola:''' Right. So John, if you could get us some drinks, that would be great. :'''John Duggan:''' Abso-dutely, I could murder a lager! It's all right drinking on trains, isn't it, it's one of those places where alcohol is acceptable at any time of day, like a casino, or Cardiff. That's not racist. I could have said Glasgow, or Dublin. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ben''' ''(to two colleagues)'': Yeah, it's a [[wikipedia:Nigella_Lawson|Nigella]] recipe, you sort of do it with gammon and Coca-Cola. That's fantastic. :'''Malcolm:''' Ah, the hairless [[wikipedia:Rubeus_Hagrid|Hagrid]]. I need a private word. :'''Ben:''' Yeah, we're kind of in the middle of something. :'''Malcolm''' ''(to Ben's colleagues)'': I need you lot to make like a tree and go fuck yourselves. :'''Ben:''' Yeah, we'll pick this up later. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm''' ''(seeing Ben's empty desk)'': Oh I'm sorry, I can come back if you're – I didn't realise you were so fucking busy. :'''Ben:''' Well, I could do some work, but you know what, we're still gonna lose. :'''Malcolm:''' Hey hey hey. Don't be so grim, you big quim. You are the future of this party, yeah? You are the next generation. :'''Ben:''' And you're in its past, I mean – I don't really know why you're still here, Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' I just want to see this thing turn around, right? I can't leave while we're getting fucked in the polls, and we're getting fucked consistently and repeatedly like a horse in the fucking Hebrides. :'''Ben:''' All very original observations, Malcolm MacIntucker, but what's the solution? :'''Malcolm:''' Nicola has to go. Today. :'''Ben:''' Oh, right. :'''Malcolm:''' You need to resign. :'''Ben:''' And challenge her for the leadership? :'''Malcolm:''' Ah, no. No, that would be petty and self-interested. No. You are doing this for the greater good of the party. As Deputy Leader, Dan Miller will take over, and he can be anointed at a later date. :'''Ben:''' So, you want me to stick my cock in a fan so that Dan Miller can become the next Prime Minister? Well fuck you very much, Malcolm. What do ''I'' get out of this? :'''Malcolm:''' I would not ask you to do this for nothing, would I? :'''Ben:''' You might. :'''Malcolm:''' I'm asking you, because you're a big fucking beast. Which is why, when you come back, it'll be as Foreign Secretary. :'''Ben:''' And you mean Foreign Secretary, that isn't code for, like, Northern Ireland, I'm not fucking going there. :'''Malcolm:''' This is the proper Foreign Secretary, with all the perks. Fuck-off breakfasts at Dubai hotels. Tours of secret Russian sex yachts. :'''Ben:''' All right! All right, I'll do it. And you know what? I'd have done it for a lot less. :'''Malcolm:''' I beg your pardon? :'''Ben:''' I'd have done it just to see the look on Nicola's face. :'''Malcolm:''' Oh. I've underestimated you. :'''Ben:''' ''(quite proud of himself)'' You have been out-maneuvered by a player. It happens. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well...didn't used to. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nicola:''' God, this is absolutely ridiculous. We so should have sat separately in first! :'''Helen:''' You can't go in first class, it's career suicide. You might as well do a shit in the aisle. <hr width="50%" /> :''(Glenn Cullen is visiting Ollie Reeder in the hospital)'' :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' So go on, then. How's life in Nazi HQ? Is it fun collaborating? :'''Glenn:''' Oh, don't start all that again. I got into government by accident. :'''Ollie:''' Speaking of which, how is Terri? :'''Glenn:''' She's entering her dog for ''Britain's Got Talent.'' :''(Ollie lets out a big laugh)'' :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Look, what's the matter with you anyway? Please tell me you're looking for a bone marrow donor and that I'm your only hope. The answer would be no, by the way. :'''Ollie:''' Bad luck. No, it's an appendix out. Well, I hope it is. Since your lot took over the NHS, everything's a fucking adventure, isn't it? :'''Glenn:''' Look, all this is incredibly entertaining, Ollie. But you called me over in my lunch hour, and as you're fond of saying, I don't have many of them left. :'''Ollie:''' So you know all this stuff with Mr. Tickle? :'''Glenn:''' Sad business. :'''Ollie:''' Very sad business. :'''Glenn:''' Yeah. Mr. Sad is actually very very sad about it. :'''Ollie:''' Yes. Mr. Happy, on the other hand: fucking delighted! :'''Glenn:''' Yeah? Mr. Stoic's taking it on the chin. :'''Ollie:''' Yes! Mr. Milk-it says we should probably stop this now. :'''Glenn:''' Okey doke. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nicola''' ''(returning to her seat)'': Right, wee mission accomplished. :'''John Duggan''': Actually, having an accurate wee into a moving train toilet would make a great round on ''[[wikipedia:The_Cube_(game_show)|The Cube]]'' with Phillip Schofield.<hr width="50%" />'''Glenn''' ''(entering the toilet)'': Ollie, come on, this is my shittiest lunch break I've had since Stewart took us all out for sushi. :'''Ollie:''' Patience, old man, and you can watch the fuckpuppet master at work now. ''(calls Ben)'' Ben Swain! Benign tumour, Bental illness! :'''Ben:''' Ol– Oliver Cyst, Olivetti – Spaghet– I don't really have time for chit-chat, Ollie. :'''Ollie:''' Are you resigning, mate, are you dropping the R-bomb? [[wikipedia:Enola_Gay|Benola Gay]]? I'm not just, er, talking about the rumours. :'''Ben:''' Let's just say it is time to prepare the hidey-hole for Madame Hussein, her reign of error is over. :'''Ollie:''' And out of interest, Ben, what would it take to stop you from resigning? :'''Ben:''' Why, what's Nicola offering? :'''Ollie:''' Name your price! :'''Ben:''' All right. Shadow Chancellor. :''(Ollie laughs. Glenn barely stops himself from doing so as well.)'' :'''Ollie:''' Ah, you still got it, Benny. :'''Ben:''' I'm serious, stop fucking laughing. :'''Ollie:''' All right, I'll call you back. ''(hangs up)'' :'''Glenn:''' This is a fucking joke! Ben Swain, Chancellor? He goes into debt every time he passes a sweet shop! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm''' ''(answering his phone)'': What have you got for me, Professor Brian Cock? :'''Ollie:''' Ben small-balled it. Nicola's offered him Shadow Chancellor, he's not resigning. :'''Malcolm:''' Christ in a diamond heist, the dopey fucking bollard. Right, how are you getting on with the old man from ''[[Up (2009 film)|Up]]''? :''(Glenn is waiting outside the toilet)'' :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, you know, getting there. :'''Malcolm:''' Well, get a move on. I want him leaking like [[wikipedia:Cliff_Richard|Cliff Richard]] out jogging. :'''Ollie:''' Right. OK. I'll be right on it. ''(hangs up)'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm''' ''(entering Ben's office)'': Oh, here she is. [[wikipedia:Pippa_Middleton|Pippa Middleton]], trying to steal the limelight with your peachy little arse. Right, where are we? :'''Dan:''' Well, I've just offered Ben here Deputy Leadership of the party. :'''Ben:''' I don't want it. I want Chancellor. :'''Malcolm''' ''(surprised)'': Chancellor? Of the United Kingdom? :'''Ben:''' Yeah, it's what Nicola's offering me. :'''Malcolm:''' Are you sure about this Ben, how's your economics? :'''Ben:''' Good, strong. :'''Malcolm:''' What, you're a [[wikipedia:Philosophy,_Politics_and_Economics|PPE]]-er guy? :'''Ben:''' No, History of Art, but – :'''Malcolm:''' Oh right, so you are confident that one day you will be able to shepherd this country out of one of the darkest economic periods in its entire fucking art history? :'''Ben:''' Look, at the moment, I hold all the cards, including the card that tells you how to play, so – so [[wikipedia:It_ain't_over_till_the_fat_lady_sings|it's over. The fat lady's singing]]. :'''Malcolm:''' No she's not. The [[wikipedia:Wynne_Evans|fat man]] from the [[wikipedia:Gocompare.com|GoCompare]] adverts is talking. :'''Ben:''' This is tiger-by-the-tail time and I'm loving it, loving it, loving it! :'''Dan:''' Oh, in that case you leave me no option, Ben, I'm gonna have to say yes. :'''Ben:''' Oh, [[wikipedia:Chumbawamba|Chumba-fucking-wamba]]! Then I resign on the dotted line. :'''Malcolm:''' Can you give us a minute, Ben, please? Dan and I need to talk some strategy. :'''Ben:''' Might head in the direction of confection; any snack-age, anyone? :'''Dan:''' No, no. :''(Ben leaves)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Is this for real? :'''Dan:''' No, of course it's not for real, Malcolm. I'm offering him Chancellor, but I might as well be offering him bass player in [[wikipedia:The_Wurzels|The Wurzels]], because that burly haemorrhoid's getting nowhere near any fucking cabinet of mine. :'''Malcolm:''' Good, so how are you gonna shaft him? :'''Dan:''' That's not my problem. That's your problem, Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' Right, so this is a little test, is it, you're weighing my balls? :''(Dan nods and smiles.)'' :'''Dan:''' Should we get Ben? :'''Malcolm:''' Oh, [[wikipedia:I'll_be_back|he'll be back]]. Like the shit [[wikipedia:Terminator_(character)|Terminator]]. ''(Ben returns)'' There he is.<hr width="50%"/> :'''Ben:''' I hereby tweet, 'I have resigned. More to follow.' Didn't seem that momentous. :'''Malcolm:''' How many followers have you got? :'''Ben:''' 612, or thereabouts. :'''Malcolm:''' Christ, well let's hope it gets retweeted, otherwise you might as well just whisper it to a fucking dead tramp. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Nicola is upset that she wasn't able to get support from a fellow politician in her party.)'' :'''Nicola:''' Fucking fibroid polyp bitch! I hope they sprout out of her abdomen and fucking choke her! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Ben is preparing for his big announcement, but first, Malcolm wants to show Ben something on his cell phone.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' These phones are amazing, aren't they? I've got an [[wikipedia:Mobile_app|application]] here that can throw grenades into people's dreams. :'''Ben:''' So, how do I look? :'''Malcolm:''' Is that your suit with the reinforced trouser arse on it, yeah? :'''Ben:''' Ha, very funny. What, a joke that I'm going to shit myself? :'''Malcolm:''' No, it's because you're gonna need it for the 10 years you're gonna be sitting on the back benches. The e-mail trail about the key worker housing clearly shows that you, Benjamin Trevor Swain, were gleefully in favor of it, just like Nicola. :'''Ben:''' You've...Um... :'''Malcolm:''' There you go. Break a leg, love. And your neck and your wrist. It doesn't really matter. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Meanwhile, Nicola and Helen are on a train back to London, when Nicola realizes...)'' :'''Nicola:''' I never act on impulse. I'm so not impulsive. And Malcolm made me do it now, fuck! :'''Helen:''' What? :'''Nicola:''' Launching this inquiry may prove to be misguided in that I now recall I may have fleetingly supported the policy myself. :'''Helen:''' (in disbelief) So you've essentially launched an investigation into yourself. :'''Nicola:''' Malcolm made me do it. :'''Helen:''' Oh, well, Malcolm, yeah. :'''Nicola:''' You've met Malcolm. I would've said that it was ethically bad. :'''Helen:''' I'll tell you what you said, just give me a minute. ''(Helen scoffs)'' Brilliant. Courtesy of the ''Telegraph'' website. You said, "Great revenue raiser, but I'm afraid it's a no-no because of my bloody husband." I'm sorry. Why would you do that? :'''Nicola:''' You remember all your e-mails, do you, that you sent three years ago? Because from what I understand from Ollie, a large number of them were sent to that married producer on the ''Daily Politics.'' :'''Helen:''' Ollie is a fucking...because...He was supposed to leave her and... :''(Helen wants to come up with a better rescue plan.)'' :'''Helen:''' Okay, while we're on our way back to London, maybe we should make a list of the things, you know, you're for and against. Let's start with something simple. Animals in circuses? :'''Nicola:''' Tell you what. Why don't you make the little list and shove it up your tight, cold arse? I just need to stare. :'''Helen:''' Have a good stare. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nicola:''' ''(on the phone to Ollie)'' You are not going to try and talk me down off a ledge, are you? Because, I've got to tell you, I'm really tired and the pavement looks like a nice, warm, splatty bed right now. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' Right, come on, folks, gather round, grab your cheesy nachos and your fucking [[wikipedia:Vuvuzela|vuvuzelas]]: this is what we've all been waiting for, it's the Queen's fucking speech. :''(A few moments later, as Nicola begins her resignation speech...)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Come on, this is fucking history in the making, right, this is the ending of a chapter of a very thin book that nobody enjoyed reading. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nicola:''' It has become apparent to me that I no longer have the full support of the party. :'''Malcolm:''' You never had the support of the party, you big bag of fucking useless doubt. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Dan enters the room as Nicola concludes her speech.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' And here he is, the anointed one! :''(Malcolm leads the room in applause)'' :'''Dan:''' Oh – please, please, I'm not Christ. He was quite a scruffy man. ==Series 4, Episode 5== :''(In this scene, Peter, Phil and Emma are walking their way upstairs to their office. The news of Nicola Murray's resignation as Leader of the Opposition is being broadcast on TV.)'' :'''Phil:''' There she goes, a tiebreaker in the making. "Who was Nicola Murray? I'll have to hurry you, teams." :'''Peter:''' Farewell, our shit and useless servant. :'''Emma:''' Yeah, at least Miller's a step up from Murray. He doesn't have to write Left and Right on his wellies. :''(Meanwhile, Stewart is leading his team downstairs at their desks.)'' :'''Stewart:''' I need your attention for 30 of your earth seconds. ''This'' is what will happen. :'''Phil:''' ''(looking downstairs)'' What the fuck is Stewart doing? :'''Stewart:''' You will go to the Z drive. You find a file entitled, "Miller Ascension, Whitehall Arab Spring." Open, ingest, implement. And after that...''(While Stewart is talking to the team, he sees Peter, Phil and Emma upstairs and makes an "I see you" gesture towards them.)'' I expect both of you, you two... :'''Peter:''' ''(groaning)'' Oh, fuck. :'''Stewart:''' ...to get together... :'''Peter:''' The man made of space hopper is coming this way. :''(Peter, Phil and Emma continue walking.)'' :'''Emma:''' This is gonna be about the inquiry. :'''Peter:''' ''(to Phil and Emma)'' I'm thinking I should resign now. :''(Emma and Phil are stunned.)'' :'''Emma:''' ''WHAT?'' :'''Phil:''' No, you can't do that! You're [[wikipedia:Aslan|Aslan]]! No one shaves your mane! :'''Peter:''' I'm not a fucking lion, Phil. There's going to be an inquiry into the death of a man who died because of a policy I signed off on. We all know how this is going to end. I, I, I should take the dignified way out. :'''Emma:''' No, you've missed the dignified exit. That was straight away, basically. :'''Peter:''' ''(slumping his shoulders)'' Yeah. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Peter, Phil and Emma are now talking about Fergus and Adam's Carer's Pass policy.)'' :'''Peter:''' The only silver lining in today's cloud of farts is that another one of [[wikipedia:Morecambe and Wise|Morecambe and Wise]]'s policy launches is ruined. :'''Phil:''' Are those the carers? They don't look old enough. :'''Emma:''' Free travel passes or something. It's another one of Adam and Fergus's Pop-Up Book of Policies. :''(As Peter and his team stop by the carers, he politely greets them and shakes their hands.)'' :'''Peter:''' ''(to the carers)'' Peter Mannion, lovely to meet you. What vital work you do. :'''Fergus:''' Peter, I'd love to introduce you to the carers... :'''Peter:''' ''(to Fergus, flatly)'' I've just met them. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Peter, Phil and Emma are now trying to come up with a plan in Peter's office...)'' :'''Peter:''' What's my plan? I didn't resign, and now this inquiry's gonna nail me up like fucking [[wikipedia:Barabbas|Barabbas]]. :'''Phil:''' Actually, he was the one they let go. Shouldn't have, he's a criminal. :'''Emma:''' Wait...We could, we could wrong-foot Murray. :'''Peter:''' Yeah, how? :'''Emma:''' You could push for the inquiry to go wider. :'''Phil:''' Wider? That's mental, we want to shut it down! :'''Emma:''' No, shush! Just hear me out! We can look into the whole, the whole culture of PFI procurement. :'''Phil:''' That is a good idea. :'''Peter:''' Really? :'''Phil:''' Fuck, that hurt to say! But she-she's right, because, um, Murray's husband's involved in PFI and he's as dodgy as a Russian, – as a Russian. :'''Emma:''' We can backspin it, Peter, it's good. :'''Peter:''' But, but is – is revenge a mature response? Let me think: Yes it is. Right, let's poke her in the PFIs. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Stewart is now upstairs talking to more of the DoSAC personnel.)'' :'''Stewart:''' If you get any channel problems, just swing them past the purple Power Ranger over here. (pointing to Terri) :''(As Peter leaves his office, he sees the carers again.)'' :'''Peter:''' ''(to the carers)'' Hello again. Vital, vital work, so proud of you. ''(Then Peter walks over to Terri.)'' Terri, I've got a job for you. :'''Stewart:''' Ah, Peter, this is all pretty white-knuckle stuff, eh? Is it getting the old adrenaline pumping, assuming it can squeeze past the port and stilton – :'''Peter:''' ''(to Stewart)'' Shut the fuck up, you prancing shit. ''(to Terri)'' Uh, we need to widen the inquiry into Mr. Tickle's death to include the issue of PFI contracts. :'''Terri:''' Great. Okay, I'm just working on Fergus's Carers Pass press release... :'''Peter:''' Aw, good. Could you fuck that to one side for the moment and concentrate on this? Yeah. :'''Stewart:''' Let's slip it into neutral for a moment here, Peter. We haven't got a green light from the PM yet, so let's not hit the accelerator. :'''Peter:''' Here's another way of looking at it: Let's. Goodbye. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm''' ''(to party staff, ahead of Nicola's arrival)'': Right, stop rolling around naked in the headlines; [[wikipedia:Thinking_man's/woman's_crumpet|blind man's crumpet]]'s on the way up. If you're gonna film her on your phones, try not to make it obvious, and no smiling. Not even a wee fucking [[wikipedia:Anne_Robinson|Anne Robinson]], right? The look we're going for should be ''solemn respect'': you know, like blokes modelling underpants.<hr width="50%" /> :''(Nicola Murray is trying to ask Dan Miller, the new Leader of the Opposition, NOT to go through with launching the inquiry.)'' :'''Nicola:''' This inquiry, you know, it's not really necessary now, so if-if you want to say that, I'll just back down. :'''Dan:''' ''(unmoved)'' An inquiry wouldn't be a bad thing. A clean break with the past in the minds of the electorate. :'''Nicola:''' Well, I mean, the electorate, you know, like me. ''(chuckling)'' Quite a lot of them voted me leader, so... :'''Dan:''' But you only beat me on a technicality. :'''Nicola:''' Yeah. I mean the thing is, Dan, ''(Dan nods)'' you know, pragmatically, I'm now a party grandee – ''(Malcolm enters)'' Malcolm, this is a private conversation. :''(Malcolm takes a chair and sits down.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' You are not a grandee, you are a fucking blandee. No one knew what the fuck you stood for. Political fucking mist. No substance, no weight. You've got all the charm of a rotting teddy bear by a graveside. By the way...women fucking hate you. I can show you the polling. They think you come across like a jittery mother at a wedding. The best thing you ever did in your flatlining non-leadership was call for an inquiry, because that will fuck the government and it will fuck ''you''. So now, please, just fuck off back to your home, you headless frump, and prepare for your column in ''[[wikipedia:Grazia|Grazia]]''. :'''Dan:''' Steady on, Malcolm, that's a bit strong. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Come on, let's go. :'''Nicola:''' Okay, you, well...You just need to know that you have absolutely fucking done it now, Malcolm, because you are about to find out what it feels like to have me pissing in your tent. :'''Malcolm:''' Well, you know what? Your piss will never fucking make it into my tent, because by some unforeseen Nicola Murray-shaped fiasco, like every fucking Nicola Murray-shaped fiasco I've had to deal with for the last two years. you'll end up blowing your own fucking stream into your own fucking face. ''There's'' your golden handshake. :'''Nicola:''' Finished? :'''Malcolm:''' ''You're'' finished. :'''Nicola:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' We'll see. ''(to Dan)'' Right, well, thanks, Dan. Think about what I said. Also might want to think about the fact there should be an apostrophe in "its" ''(pointing to the "Its Miller Time" sign)'' Illiterate fuckers. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Adam is at Fergus's computer in their office. Adam is showing Fergus an article that will help Fergus distance himself from Peter in the Tickel scandal.)'' :'''Adam:''' Bingo. We just need to leak it. You saying, "Key worker housing sell-off is possibly the worst idea since the invention of theatre." :'''Fergus:''' Does that give us enough distance from Mannion? :'''Adam:''' Oh yeah. This is your Get Out of Jail Free card strapped to a fucking jetpack. We just need to leak it. :'''Fergus:''' Yeah, well, obviously it can't look like it came from us. :'''Adam:''' Maybe it's time to bring Glenn back into the hub. He's been out on a limb since punk, hasn't he? :'''Fergus:''' Thousand-year-old Glenn Fiddich? :'''Adam:''' Yeah. Fucking perfect, he'll love it. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Glenn, meanwhile, is in his office, trying to contact Ollie.)'' :'''Glenn''' ''(on the phone)'': Ollie, look, I'm feeling very exposed here. I've got my cock out, it's covered in breadcrumbs and the fucking pigeons are circling. Look, please, just-just ring me back. :''(Suddenly, Fergus and Adam enter Glenn's office.)'' :'''Adam:''' Mr. Cullen. We would like you to leak -- ''(pretending to be a magician)'' Wow! This. ''(Adam shows Glenn a [[wikipedia:USB flash drive|USB flash drive]].)'' Don't worry, nothing major, just an email that puts a bit of distance between Fergus and the Tickle affair. :'''Glenn:''' What, I go from being a turnip to a leak? Still a fucking vegetable to you, though, eh? :'''Fergus:''' You wanna bring Mannion down a peg or 12, don't you, Glenn? :'''Glenn:''' Yeah, of course I do. The up his arse Kensington Butcher. :'''Adam:''' ''(pointing to the USB flash drive)'' Well, this is the cyanide capsule we'd like you to break into his afternoon brandy. :'''Fergus:''' This is it, Glenn. You're off the bench, back on the pitch to score the golden goal in extra time. Come on, mate! :'''Adam:''' Pick it up. :''(After some thought...)'' :'''Glenn:''' Fuck it. Why not? I'll do it. :'''Fergus:''' Good man. Thank you. :''(Fergus offers to shake Glenn's hand, but Glenn's still a bit, uh, sore...)'' :'''Glenn:''' I don't need to shake your hand. :'''Fergus:''' All right. Touchy, but not feely. :'''Glenn:''' Just go. I'll just have a look at it. :''(As they leave Glenn's office. Fergus and Adam give each other celebratory fist bumps.)'' :'''Adam:''' You are a brilliant bullshitter. :'''Fergus:''' Yeah, well, two years doing press for npower, it never leaves you. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Glenn sneaks into Terri's office to leak the email from her computer while nobody else is looking. But as he's getting ready to do the deed, Glenn's caught by -- who else? -- Terri.)'' :'''Terri:''' Glenn! ''(beat)'' What are you doing at my computer? :'''Glenn:''' I-I'm just doing Bradford & Bingley a favor. I'm bringing down Mannion by leaking an email. :'''Terri:''' A leak? C-Coming from my computer? No. No, get off, get off. ''(pointing to the computer)'' Take that...that, the whatever it is out of the...whatever it is. Take it. Out. :'''Glenn:''' No one will think it's you. Nobody leaks from their own computer. Look, you do this for me and I'll make sure that you get the full severance package, no questions asked, with full pension. :'''Terri:''' ''(tempted)'' And a lump sum? :'''Glenn:''' Yeah, I guess, yeah. :'''Terri:''' ''(whispering)'' The thing is, Glenn, I've got -- I've got my eye on a tea shop near Ludlow. Without a lump sum, no tea shop, no can do. :'''Glenn:''' Okay, right. This can go straight to Geoffrey at ''The Guardian.'' :'''Terri:''' Okay, yeah. :'''Glenn:''' Right. :'''Terri:''' Can we do it together? :'''Glenn:''' What? :'''Terri:''' Please? Just your hand on mine and my hand on yours, just do it together. Like, erm... :'''Glenn:''' Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. :'''Terri:''' Yes, okay. :'''Glenn:''' Not that I'm saying you're butch. :'''Terri:''' No, of course not. :''(And with that, Glenn and Terri lock hands on the computer mouse...)'' :'''Glenn & Terri:''' One, two, three... :''(They click the mouse.)'' :'''Glenn:''' Just send the email. <hr width="50%"/> :''(In this scene, Peter, Phil and Emma arrive at Stewart's office at Number 10. Stewart is preparing a "whiteboard session"...much to Peter's annoyance.)'' :'''Stewart:''' Ah, Team Peter. Come on, guys, let's take a little imagination stroll through a virtual inquiry, yeah? :'''Peter:''' ''(groaning)'' Oh, dear God, not another whiteboard session. I've-I've got a note from my mother, I have a verruca. :'''Stewart:''' Just wanna get an overview, Peter, yeah? A helicopter shot of where we currently are. Who's most to blame in the blame garden. Okay, the onion is PFI. Let's peel back some layers. Murray resignation, how do we feel about that? :'''Peter:''' What's "Tickle's M Records"? :'''Stewart:''' Medical, it's his leaked medical records. :'''Peter:''' Leaked? I-I-I thought they were common knowledge. :'''Stewart:''' Well, they are now, because they have been leaked. :'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' Did you know about this? :'''Emma:''' Well, yeah, Number 10 knew, so I-I knew, yeah. :'''Peter:''' ''(to Phil)'' What about you? :'''Phil:''' Yeah, I-I thought Tickle leaked them himself. :'''Stewart:''' Who would voluntarily leak their own medical records? You'd have to be mad to do that. :'''Peter:''' He ''was'' mad, that's precisely what his records said. :'''Phil:''' Exactly. You know, he was a male nurse. That's not just mad, that's mental. :'''Emma:''' ''(taken aback)'' Oh, Phil! Did the last 30 years only happen to other people? :'''Peter:''' Why didn't I know about this? Leaking medical records ''is'' illegal. Well, I-I -- Now I look guilty and incompetent. :'''Stewart:''' ''(writing on the whiteboard)'' Ah! Peter, incompetent. :'''Peter:''' Look! Don't write that down! I'm not on your sodding onion! :'''Stewart:''' ''(continuing writing)'' What is GFU? Good for us. Mmm? :'''Emma''' ''(looking at her phone)'': Oh, shit with a capital SHIT! We've got to go. :'''Phil:''' Great! ''(stands up)'' :'''Stewart:''' Hey, no no no no no no no, sit. :'''Emma:''' ''The Guardian'' have received an email from Fergus – actually, do you know, strike that, a ''chain'' of emails – Oh, perfect, with all of our comments about Mr. Tickle underneath. :'''Phil:''' Oh God, not-not the one where we all piled in with the ''[[w:Mr. Men|Mr. Men]]'' jokes? :'''Emma:''' Yes, yes. That one, Phil. :'''Stewart:''' Oh, you kid me! :'''Phil:''' Oh, Jesus! :'''Emma:''' I kid you not! :'''Peter:''' Oh my giddy fuck. :''(They all run back to DoSAC while reading the emails on their phones.)'' :'''Emma:''' They've leaked all the bloody emails: 'Mr. Tickle sounds like a gropey clown at a kids' party'. :'''Peter:''' I can't see! Can I make it bigger? :'''Phil:''' Go to Settings. 'Poor ickle Mr. Tickle, perhaps he's mentally sickle.' Must be Fergus. :'''Peter:''' Is this Settings? Oh, I think I've just taken a picture of my feet! <hr width="50%" /> :'''Ollie:''' Erm... Glenn is in reception. :'''Malcolm:''' Hoddle? Miller? Close? Morangie? :'''Ollie:''' Cullen. Glenn Cullen is in reception. :'''Malcolm:''' Glenn? :'''Ollie:''' Yeah. :'''Malcolm:''' Why are you even fucking telling me that? When the Queen's butler finds a cockroach in the pantry, he just stamps on it. :'''Ollie:''' Yes... :'''Malcolm:''' She doesn't even know! :'''Ollie:''' Okay. Okay! I'll go stamp on the cockroach, Malcolm. <hr width="50%" /> :'''Glenn:''' Oh, hey! Shouldn't you be in bed? :'''Ollie:''' Shouldn't you not be here?! Whoa, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop! You can't go up there. :'''Glenn:''' No, I have to. I ''can't'' go back over there, it's like ''[[w:Alien vs. Predator (franchise)|Alien vs. Predator]]''! :'''Ollie:''' Glenn! :'''Glenn:''' I want back in! Here! :'''Ollie:''' Yes, everybody is... tremendously appreciative of what you've done. It was a noble sacrifice, but-- :'''Glenn:''' What do you mean, "sacrifice"? I thought we had a deal! "Sacrifice" sounds very one-sided. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, well, "piss off" sounds one-sided, but there we go-- ''(Malcolm arrives and pushes him aside)'' Hey! M-Malcolm! :'''Malcolm:''' Why is he still here? Can you not perform a simple task? When there is a shit on your doorstep, you hose it off. :'''Ollie:''' Right. :'''Malcolm:''' You don't try to talk it into leaving of its own volition. :'''Glenn:''' I got rid of Nicola for you, you owe me! :'''Malcolm:''' I owe you? Your act of treachery wiped the slate clean. [[Rudolf Hess]]'s fucking senile older brother. :'''Glenn:''' Look, I know you think I screwed up, but I came here on my hands and knees, Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' You, my friend, you don't exist to me anymore, I can't even fucking hear you. :'''Glenn:''' Do you want me to beg? Is-Is that it? Because I -- Because I will. :'''Malcolm:''' Listen, [[Mary, Queen of Scots|Mary, Queen of fucking Shits]]: in the old days we would've just slit you up the middle like a fucking Cornish [[wikipedia:Pasty|pasty]], hanged your steaming entrails all around the Tower of fucking London! Catch you later, you fucking traitor! ''(turns to Sam, who has appeared on the stairs)'' Sam, what is it? :'''Sam:''' It's a call from Stewart Pearson. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(takes the phone from Sam)'' Stewart Pearson. ''(to Glenn)'' I'm the fucking wankers' lodestone today. ''(answers the phone, walking away)'' Stewart. Yes, [[wikipedia:Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy|the goatee-bearded guru-boy of Company B]]. :'''Ollie:''' It's a no, Glenn. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Stewart and Malcolm are having a not-so-friendly chat on their cell phones.)'' :'''Stewart:''' Yeah, Malcolm, can this wait? Hmm? :'''Malcolm:''' Word is the PM's considering an inquiry into the culture of leaking. :'''Stewart:''' No, no. Do you really think he's going to invite everyone into our complex network of secret little burrows? Open up the whole of Watership Down? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Okay, Bright Eyes. I'm massively fucking reassured. :'''Stewart:''' Look, you may as well have an inquiry into gravity. Now I have to go, Malcolm, because I've got like a whole country to govern, yeah? <hr width="50%"/> :''(As Peter, Phil and Emma are coming back to the office, Terri runs up to Peter to beg his forgiveness for the leaking of the chain of emails.)'' :'''Terri:''' ''(to Peter)'' The primary thing I want to say, first and foremost, is that you can't blame me for this. Peter. If-If anything, it's the culture of blame that's to blame for this. :''(Peter and his team walk past Terri and, yet again, pass the carers along the way.)'' :'''Peter:''' ''(to the carers, smiling)'' Great to see you again. Such crucial work you do. ''(to Phil and Emma, angrily)'' Meeting room! :''(Team Peter finally make their way into the meeting room.)'' :'''Peter:''' ''(to Phil and Emma)'' Right, ''SIT DOWN!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''(As soon as Team Peter enters the meeting room and close the door, Peter really lays into Phil and Emma.)'' :'''Peter:''' I can't resign, and I'm not gonna resign. I had the perfect moment to resign, which was right early on, when I could have resigned in a dignified and statesman-like way, and you both advised me not to resign. So now, I can't resign. :''(Phil and Emma agree with Peter's decision not to resign.)'' :'''Peter:''' ''(still composing himself)'' What's gonna happen is this. One of you has got to go. I want both of you to give me reasons why you shouldn't resign. :'''Phil:''' ''(stunned)'' Er, because...because I'm a, a Special Advisor to a...senior cabinet minister. :'''Emma:''' ''(while Phil's talking)'' That's a job description, Philip. That's a job description. :'''Peter:''' ''(unimpressed)'' That's not a reason. That's just your job -- from which I'm asking you why you shouldn't resign. :'''Phil:''' ''(struggling)'' I know everything about you. I am a, a world expert in-in-in Peter Mannion from, uh, PIN number to inside leg measurement. I, I'm-I'm there, um, you know... :'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' What's his inside leg measurement? :'''Phil:''' ''(to Emma)'' 34. ''(to Peter)'' I've given you everything, Peter, you can't...I mean, I-I don't have anything else, that's the point. I don't, I don't have any friends, I don't have any life, I haven't had sex for five years and I don't even enjoy it, so...you know, I'm not gonna get anyone pregnant. I'm never gonna get anyone pregnant, okay? You know, I'm fucking seedless. Whereas she's just, just a fucking baby bomb, okay? :'''Emma:''' Phil, you are just a... :'''Phil:''' And she's gonna go off all over the office and-and leave you! I'm gonna be here! :''(And THEN, to make matters worse for Peter, Terri barges into the meeting room!)'' :'''Terri:''' ''(entering)'' I'm sorry, I'm sorry, but my-my good name is at stake here. :'''Peter:''' Oh, Christ... :'''Terri:''' Peter, you must understand. I am an innocent woman. I'm the DoSAC One. :'''Peter:''' ''(fed up)'' That's it! I've had enough! I've had enough of all of you! You're all shit! I'm gonna sort it out by myself! :''(Peter leaves the meeting room...but now he's trying to outrun Terri.)'' :'''Terri:''' I can't bear that you think about me like this. :'''Peter:''' Don't follow me, Terri. :'''Terri:''' Please... :'''Peter:''' Stop following me. :'''Terri:''' I insist. I insist. I insist, Peter, please... :'''Peter:''' All right, Terri! I admit it, I'm in love with you! Now fuck off back to your office and organize the wedding! <hr width="50%"/> :''(And now, Fergus and Adam are celebrating what seems to be a triumphant victory.)'' :'''Fergus:''' ''(happily)'' Mannion goes [[wikipedia:Mel Gibson|Mel Gibson]]. :'''Adam:''' ''(chuckling)'' Spot it. :''(Fergus and Adam celebrate with a fist bump.)'' :'''Fergus:''' You know, you know what you've done? :'''Adam:''' Yeah? :'''Fergus:''' You, you, you have bought a fan, you plugged it in, you turned it on, you turned the dial up to maximum. :'''Adam:''' It wasn't a weak fan, it wasn't one of those office fans. It was a Dyson. And I stood the other side of it. :'''Fergus:''' Did a liquid shit on it. :'''Adam:''' Trousers down. :'''Fergus:''' And where did the shit go? :''(Adam imitates an explosion.)'' :'''Fergus:''' All over Mannion. :''(But then, Fergus's cell phone chimes...)'' :'''Adam:''' That's just priceless. :'''Fergus:''' Fuck, hang on... :'''Adam:''' What? :'''Fergus:''' Um, check the fucking emails. :'''Adam:''' What are you talking about? :'''Fergus:''' What the fuck did you give to Glenn? :'''Adam:''' ''(checking the computer)'' Well, it was just the email, just the... :'''Fergus:''' Yeah, but it's the whole -- We're on the email. :'''Adam:''' Oh, fucking hell... :''(Fergus and Adam are now starting to panic.)'' :'''Fergus:''' Why did you, why did you leave us on the-on the dongle? :'''Adam:''' Because he's only supposed to send the fucking top part of it. :'''Fergus:''' Why did you give him the choice? :'''Adam:''' Because an email has a chain, Fergus, it has a fucking chain that goes all the way down! :'''Fergus:''' Adam, there is now shit all over me! How come there is shit on me? Thanks, Adam! :'''Adam:''' Look, it's not my fucking fault! He's supposed to redact it! :'''Fergus:''' I just wanted one solid shit to go in one direction! Not [[wikipedia:Madras_curry_sauce|Madras]] fucking everywhere! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Fergus and Adam are now going after Glenn.)'' :'''Adam:''' Hey! [[w:2000 Year Old Man|2000 Year Old Man]]! Why the FUCK did you send the whole email?! Huh?! You were supposed to redact it, send the top email, not the whole fucking exchange! JESUS CHRIST ON A CRYSTAL METH BINGE! :'''Glenn:''' Terri and I sent what you gave me. :'''Adam:''' ''(in hysterical disbelief)'' ''Terri?! Why the fuc–'' THE ONLY REASON I'D EVER ASK TERRI FOR HELP IS TO ''SHOOT'' ME IF I EVER ASKED TERRI FOR HELP! :'''Glenn:''' Same reason you gave it to me: distance! TWO PEOPLE, TWICE THE DISTANCE! :'''Fergus:''' BUT TERRI DOESN'T GIVE US ANY DISTANCE! TERRI GIVES ME A TWITCH, ''(points to his eye)'' RIGHT HERE! YEAH, LAUGH IT UP, GLENN, BUT I'VE GOT A TWITCH, ''CALLED TERRI!'' :'''Terri:''' ''(from behind a book shelf, voice cracking)'' I am actually here, you know! :'''Fergus:''' Yeah, and that, in a nutshell, is the whole fucking problem! :''(Fergus storms off, Adam follows.)'' :'''Adam:''' ''(singsong)'' Fuck you very much! ''(to the carers, who have witnessed the entire exchange)'' Five minutes, guys, yeah? :'''The Carers:''' ''(moaning)'' Thanks. :'''Terri:''' ''(quietly to Glenn)'' Glenn...what about my tea shop? :'''Glenn:''' ''(sarcastically)'' It got closed! There's been a murder! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ollie:''' An inquiry into all of leaking, all of leaking! We are so ''–'' We are so screwed! :'''Malcolm:''' He's done it. That chinless horse-fiddler. Our fuck-lustrious PM has opened Pandora's fucking Box, and curled a massive steamer right into it! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stewart:''' In the time it has taken for Terri to extract herself from her Bluetooth, this little inquiry has fused! It is now growing faster than the speed of bloody light! It's not gonna be something that we can see ''from'' space, IT'S GOING TO ''BE'' SPACE! [[w:Brian Cox (physicist)|BRIAN COX]] IS GONNA PHONE ME, AND ASK FOR THE FILM RIGHTS! :'''Peter:''' BUT WHAT LEAK, WHAT LEAK, ''WHAT FUCKING LEAK?!'' :'''Stewart:''' ANYTHING! If I find out that ''anyone'' from here has leaked ''anything'', I will make sure they have to emigrate after this to a country where they don't speak English, and there's no Internet! :'''Peter:''' But every-everyone who leaked anything, that would fill the fucking Caspian Sea, we're just a drop in the ocean here! :'''Stewart:''' No, no, no, what you are, Peter, is Leak Zero! It started here! You have presided over a shambolic showering of info! Peter Mannion, 'Singing in the Rain'! ''(mobile rings)'' Oh, Christ. ''(answers)'' Hello, Malcolm! :'''Malcolm:''' Right, was this your idea? Because I don't remember signing any suicide pact. :'''Stewart:''' Malcolm, look, I'm as shocked about this as you are. :'''Malcolm:''' Yes. You sound ''really'' shocked, you big fucking spunk lolly. :'''Stewart:''' Yeah, look, I don't even know what that is. But I, you know, I think we all need time to, to process this data, yep? :''(Fergus and Adam burst in)'' :'''Fergus:''' WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?! :'''Adam:''' ''(restraining Fergus)'' All right, Fergus. ''(calmly)'' What the fuck is going on? :'''Phil:''' [[w:Raiders of the Lost Ark|The Ark has been opened, and your face is gonna melt!]] :'''Emma:''' There's gonna be an inquiry. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' Have I just stepped through a portal into a sausage machine? Because this is making mincemeat of my head. [[wikipedia:It's the End of the World as We Know It (And I Feel Fine)|It's the end of the world as we know it]]. To paraphrase a popular fucking [[wikipedia:The Bangles|Bangles]] song. :'''Ollie:''' It was, erm...It was [[wikipedia:R.E.M.|R.E.M.]] :'''Malcolm:''' Don't start contradicting me on that kind of shit. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm is trying to talk to Ollie about the importance of leaking in the governmental system.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Leaking is a fundamental component of our governmental system! If a government can't leak, do you know what happens? Dark shit builds up, and then ''–'' it ''bursts!'' And that's something you don't want to see! You think your appendix was bad? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' This is the gift that's gonna go on giving, believe you me. So you'd better keep your head down. And I don't mean just when you're frequenting your favorite glory holes. :'''Ollie:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Yeah, well...Whereas ''your'' closet is ''completely'' free of skeletons, isn't it, Malcolm? 'Cause you've buried them in a landfill in Essex. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' When this inquiry lands, you'd better have developed a very flat, stony face with no expression. But that'll be easy for you: it's your fucking cum face, isn't it? <hr width="50%"/> :''(deleted scene)'' :''(Malcolm wants Ollie to visit Nicola at her home)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Just go and stop her doing anything mental, right? Which, given that she thought she could be Prime Minister, the parameters for mental are about as wide as your mother's legs when the fleet's in town. :'''Ollie:''' All right, if I'm doing this for you, can we have a bit more respect for my mother, please? Those sailors get lonely. :'''Malcolm:''' This is some of my best stuff, and it's being ignored. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, what does that tell you?<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Glenn:''' But I came here on my hands and knees, Malcolm, I'm supplicating here; I'm a supplicant, Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' Well, unfortunately, that ship has sailed, hit a fucking iceberg, sunk, and [[wikipedia:Julian_Fellowes|Julian Fellowes]] has written [[wikipedia:Titanic_(2012_miniseries)|a fucking shit drama]] about it. ==Series 4, Episode 6== :''(This is the opening scene of this episode. Welcome to the Goolding Inquiry.)'' :'''Lord Goolding:''' This is an inquiry into the death of Mr. Douglas Tickel. And the practice and culture of the dissemination of confidential information between political parties and the public media. Mr. Weir. :'''Simon Weir:''' Uh, thank you, Lord Goolding. Um, our first witness today is, uh, is Mr. Stewart Pearson. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Stewart Pearson is ready to testify before the Goolding Inquiry Committee. He takes the oath, but politely declines to put his hand on the Bible.)'' :'''Stewart:''' ''(to the Bible holder)'' No, that's, er, it's fine. ''(taking the oath)'' Yeah. Um, I, Stewart Pearson, do sincerely declare and affirm that the evidence I shall give will be the truth, the whole truth and, and nothing but, uh, the truth. :'''Simon Weir:''' On page, uh, 235 of your, your witness statement...uh, you describe yourself as the, the "Human Rooter" in government. Can you, uh, can you explain what you meant by that? :'''Stewart:''' Um, I'm a...a "router," in the sense that I control the governmental informational ingestion and egestion process. :'''Simon Weir:''' Uh, Mr. Pearson, just to clarify, your job is -- is to make sure that the public perception of your government's program is a positive one, is that fair? :'''Stewart:''' It's not about perception, yeah? I believe in government as a transceiver, mmm? :'''Simon Weir:''' A transceiver? :'''Stewart:''' Yeah, it's really important, yeah, sure, to give out a, uh, a strong signal, but you -- to be effective, you've got to listen for an echo. :'''Lord Goolding:''' Could you possibly speak in plain English? :'''Stewart:''' I'm sorry, I, I...I thought, I thought I was. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' So what-what is clear is that you are an important man, Mr. Pearson. :'''Stewart:''' I'm just a lad from Leeds with a lust for life, yeah? Um...there's an, uh, an African proverb that's, that's stuck with me, yeah? "If you think you're too small to make a difference, you've never spent a night with a mosquito." :'''Baroness Sureka:''' So...part of your job is to make sure that the government's message gets across clearly? Is that right? :'''Stewart:''' That's correct. And despite the sarcasm marinating in that question, I'm very successful in that endeavor. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' ''(correcting Stewart)'' No, there was no sarcasm intended at all, Mr. Pearson. :'''Stewart:''' Sorry, I must have misread your face. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Um, does your job intrude on your home life? :'''Stewart:''' No. No, when I, when I close the front door, I'm...I'm no longer Stewart Pearson. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' When you... :'''Stewart:''' I mean, I mean when I close it from the, from the inside. You know, right. When I close it from the outside, then...then I very much am Stewart Pearson. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' So who are you at home? :'''Stewart:''' Uh, I'm a husband, I'm a -- pardon me, a lover, I'm a carpenter, I'm a cook, I'm a flautist. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' A... :'''Stewart:''' A flautist. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Right. :'''Stewart:''' I play the flute. And I dabble on the Irish bodhrán. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Um, and would you like to express any, uh, remorse for Mr. Tickel's death? What would you like to say to his family? :'''Stewart:''' Uh, I would like to offer them maximum respect, you know? And maximum remorse. And maximum assurance that Mr. Tickel did not die in vain. We're here. You know? How can we make the government and the media inclusive without being intrusive? Yeah? And if we can answer that, at least we can make sure that there are no more Mr. Tickels. ''(Stewart corrects himself)'' I mean--I mean that not in the sense of, you know, wiping out the Tickel family name. I mean it in the sense that nothing like this will ever happen again. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Hello, Mr. Pearson. Tab 28 in your bundle there, page 263. ''(Both turn to that page in their folders.)'' A paper that you presented in 2006, 'The Iconography of Consensus.' Would you care to summarize the argument you present there? :'''Stewart:''' Sure, yeah, the main thrust – :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Bearing in mind Lord Goolding's desire for plainness and clarity. :'''Stewart:''' Right. Okay. I, um, hypothesise that – Sorry. I ''say'' that the design structure for a parliamentary democracy should be that of the [[wikipedia:Centre_Georges_Pompidou|Pompidou Centre]]: Morally and structurally explicit and open, a porous membrane. :'''Lord Goolding:''' Maybe just a little bit plainer, Mr. Pearson? :'''Stewart:''' People should know, er, what politicians are doing. :'''Lord Goolding:''' Brilliant. :'''Stewart:''' Thanks. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Government should be porous? :'''Stewart:''' Yes. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' But not leaking. :'''Stewart:''' Come on, if someone is determined to leak information, there's nothing that anyone can do about that. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' So as Director of Communications, you are unable to prevent sensitive material being communicated to journalists? :'''Stewart:''' If someone chokes on a packet of crisps, do you issue an arrest warrant for [[wikipedia:Gary Lineker|Gary Lineker]]? :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Well, is it fair to say that you have in fact changed nothing, and government communications carries on exactly as they did before, by leaks and whispers? :'''Stewart:''' No, it is not fair to say that. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' In fact, because you disapprove and ''condemn'' these practices, are they not more covert and more hidden and more secret than ever before? :'''Stewart:''' I think that is-is also an unreasonable assertion. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' In spite of your desire to create a political Pompidou Centre, Mr. Pearson, haven't you created the opposite, [[wikipedia:Centre_Point|Centre Point]]? I mean, everybody sees it looming over them but nobody has the faintest idea what happens in there. :'''Stewart:''' ''(calmly, but sarcastically)'' I think there's some kind of club on the top floor. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' So, Mr. Pearson, have you identified the source of the leak of Mr. Tickel's records? :'''Stewart:''' No, no. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Have you ever leaked yourself? :'''Stewart:''' No. No, I was over that pre-Britpop. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Do you have any idea where the leak might have come from? :'''Stewart:''' Well, you know, if this was ''[[CSI: Miami]]'', I guess we'd be looking for the person who'd have most to gain from the leak being made public. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Well, despite your shirt, this isn't ''CSI: Miami''. Who do you think would benefit most from the leak? :'''Stewart:''' Well, I guess I'd be sending [[wikipedia:David_Caruso|David Caruso]] knocking on the door of Mr. Malcolm Tucker. <hr width="50%"/> :''(And now, Malcolm Tucker takes his turn with the Goolding Inquiry.)'' :'''Lord Goolding:''' Can I ask you, "How would you describe yourself?" :'''Malcolm:''' Uh, I'm, uh, a media strategist. :'''Lord Goolding:''' So you would be Stewart Pearson's opposite number? :'''Malcolm:''' Well, uh, I'd be Stewart Pearson's opposite in every possible way, I think. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' You have a lot of control and power over your party, don't you? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(laughs slightly)'' I wish, yes. Uh, no. I think that that's been overstated. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' So this reputation you have as an enforcer, that's completely misrepresenting you, is it? :'''Malcolm:''' It's baloney. Politicians who have to do things that they don't want to do, such as resign, uh...Because they've been caught with their fingers in the till, or, you know, with their knickers up a flagpole or whatever, they sometimes...It's very convenient for them to have a boogeyman. "Malcolm made me do it." Well, I didn't make them do it. These are people who just find themselves stuck in a room with one exit and I simply show them the door. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' I've highlighted some quotes: The ''Guardian'': 'Malcolm Tucker has the physical demeanour and the political instincts of a ''Velociraptor''.<nowiki/>' :'''Malcolm:''' Yes, the ''Guardian'', the newspaper that hates newspapers. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' ''Telegraph''. :'''Malcolm:''' The ''Telegr-arse''. :'''Baroness Sureka'''<nowiki/>''':''' 'Tucker's writ runs through the lifeblood of Westminster like ''r''<nowiki/>''aw alcohol'', at once cleansing and<nowiki/> corroding.' The ''Times'': 'If you<nowiki/> make eye contact with Malcolm Tucker, you have spilled his pint.' The ''Spectator'': '[[wikipedia:Iago|Iago]] with a BlackBerry'; I mean, you're saying these quotes are, what, misguided? :'''Malcolm:''' The ''Spect-hater''. Erm, no, I'm saying that you are not – you're taking these out of context, you're not contextualising these. If you were to<nowiki/> put them into a perspective, if you were to place them into the landscape, you would see that there might be a lot of axes being ground here. I don't see the difference between what you have just done and a leak, by the way. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Well, the difference is that what I've just read out was not obtained illegally. :'''Malcolm:''' How do you know that? You don't know <nowiki/>what confidences have been breached in order to form these ''opinions'', for that is what they are. :'''Ba'''<nowiki/>'''roness Sureka:''' So you accept leaking as part and parcel of the political media machinery? :'''Malcolm:''' Yes, I mean, if you didn't have leaking, the newspapers would just be full of long-lens bikini shots and adverts for sheds and offers to buy three pairs of trousers for a tenner, et cetera, it's just – it's the way it is. Big deal, no one dies. :'''Lord Goolding:''' One person ''did'' die, Mr. Tucker. :''(Malcolm simply gives a "so be it" look.)'' :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Would you tell us how it works? :'''Malcolm:''' You know, you do me a favor, I do you a favor, yeah? :'''Lord Goolding:''' And what might you expect in return? :'''Malcolm:''' Anything. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' What? :'''Malcolm:''' Well, a [[wikipedia:Kit Kat|Kit Kat]], you might get -- I've had a Kit Kat. I've had a, uh, a big meal. :'''Simon Weir:''' Well, I mean, could you give us an example of what you mean? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(going through his notes)'' Um...Well, yes. I...This is the ''Daily Mirror.'' And I could get drummed out of the Magic Circle for showing you this. Anyway, this is the ''Daily Mirror'' about the "Quiet Batpeople", uh, policy of, uh, Mrs. Nicola Murray. ''(Malcolm shows the inquiry committee a picture of the "Quiet Batpeople" headline.)'' I was there that day. You can't see me, because I've been cropped out here. But this information here, I made sure that those notes were in that place, that they were available, and that the picture editor, uh, knew where to find them. :'''Simon Weir:''' Sorry, I'm just trying to...trying to get this clear. Was Mrs. Murray not the subject of huge derision as a result of this? :'''Malcolm:''' Uh, no, she was a subject of huge derision before this. :''(Chuckles emanate from the gallery.)'' :'''Simon Weir:''' You were trying to undermine the leader of your party? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(putting away the picture)'' I was... :'''Simon Weir:''' Would you, would you say you were a loyal man, Mr. Tucker? :'''Malcolm:''' I'm loyal, yes. I'm loyal to my party. And, uh, I feel that Mrs. Murray's policies were turning the party into -- I don't know if you've seen those calendars that have got pictures of dogs that are dressed up, and they've got little dresses and hats on. She was turning my party into that, she was humiliating my party. So I thought it was absolutely vital to focus the public's attention onto that. :'''Simon Weir:''' And yet you maintain that you had great -- I don't know, what, respect for Mrs. Murray as a person. :'''Malcolm:''' Yes, she was a great laugh occasionally, great dancer, she's got terrific hair. She did a good job at DoSAC. A much better job than her successor, who, let's not forget, was playing on a slide when the news of Mr. Tickle's... :'''Simon Weir:''' Yeah, thank you. :'''Malcolm:''' ...death came out. :'''Simon Weir:''' Mr. Tucker, we're well-versed in the events surrounding the... :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. :'''Simon Weir:''' ...the death of Mr. Tickel. ''(beat)'' So, tell me, the PFI email that, uh, led to the, to the resignation of Nicola Murray. Did you, did you engineer that? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(takes a long pause...)'' No. No. ''(beat)'' No I didn't. :'''Simon Weir:''' And, uh, the leaking of Mr. Tickel's health records? Do I mean, do I detect your hand in-in that, for instance? :'''Malcolm:''' No no no no. Look, politics is a war. And politicians, sometimes they lose idealogical limbs, right? They get media shrapnel right in the face. Sometimes they get a bullet right in the brain. Civilians, no. There is no way that I would ever attack a civilian, a real person, and especially not somebody with a history of mental illness. Because ''that'' sort of thing -- makes me queasy. :'''Simon Weir:''' So you're a "ethical" leaker, if you will? :'''Malcolm:''' I use leaking to show up corruption, to show up hypocrisy, to show up idiocy, and also the fourth horseman of the political apocalypse, duplicity. For instance: Fergus Williams. He's coming up next, right? :'''Simon Weir:''' Mmm-hmm. :'''Malcolm:''' This is a guy, he's a member of the junior party in this coalition, right? This guy has already opened a private channel to Dan Miller, the Leader of the Opposition. In order to talk about possibly setting up a coalition with him, because he knows very well that this coalition government that he is lumbered with is being torn to pieces like a bread stick at a picnic. :'''Lord Goolding:''' ''(very upset)'' Mr. Tucker, you have just used this inquiry to commit a leak in front of us! :'''Malcolm:''' I have not committed a leak. Everybody in Westminster knows that these talks have taken place, everyone. You're supposed to be investigating this. You're supposed to be discovering this stuff. Now you cannot not know what I or anyone else tell you, right, you can't not know that. You cannot not know what you now know. :'''Lord Goolding:''' Mr. Tucker, are you familiar with the rules of association football? :'''Malcolm:''' Well, I understand that if you're gonna have an affair, you'd better take precautions, like getting a superinjuction. :'''Lord Goolding:''' ''(sternly)'' I ask you, because this is me giving you a yellow card. You are not to use this inquiry to score political points. :'''Malcolm:''' Sorry, I'm, I apologize. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Fergus Williams takes his turn giving testimony in front of the inquiry.)'' :'''Matthew Hodge:''' ''(to Fergus)'' Did you see Mr. Malcolm Tucker's evidence earlier? :'''Fergus:''' Uh, yeah, I-Uh, uh, I saw it out of the, out of the corner of my eye. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Would you like me to read what he said about you? :'''Fergus:''' Uh, no, that's fine, that was the bit that I saw. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Embarrassing, I imagine? :'''Fergus:''' ''(emabarrassed, but gathering himself)'' Uh, no, not at all. It was, um, almost, uh, flattering, yeah...uh, to get, uh, to get "Tuckered." It's a, it's a rite of passage in-in-in, in politics. Happens to all of us. It's, you know, it's like when you're in a Russian jail, you get your face tattooed. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Mr. Tucker mentioned meetings between you and the Leader of the Opposition. Did these take place? :'''Fergus:''' ''(after a pause)'' They did, yes. Er, myself and, uh, Adam were part of a team who had very general, noncommittal discussions with, amongst others, Mr. Miller. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' And you discussed a potential future coalition with his party and the removal of your own party leader, is that correct? :'''Fergus:''' ''(taken aback)'' Sorry, could I possibly answer that question with another question? I mean, not that question I'm just asking, but a further question? :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Go on. :'''Fergus:''' You do realise that ''you're'' being spun here, you do see that? :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Spun? :'''Fergus:''' 'Cause, you know, Malcolm Tucker's not your common or garden spin doctor, right? No, he's the-he's...he's the chief medical officer of spin – he is Spinoza, you see? So he, he didn't come here in order to answer your questions, he came here in order to get ''you'' to then ask ''his'' questions. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Yeah, right, Mr. Williams, I don't want you to answer a question with another question, I want you to answer it with an answer. :'''Fergus:''' I mean, he's conducting you like, um – Goldie. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Did you talk to Mr. Miller about removing your party leader? :'''Fergus:''' ''(in disbelief)'' Sorry, are you getting Tucker's questions sort of beamed straight into your brain? :'''Lord Goolding:''' ''(firmly)'' Mr. Williams. :''(A short time later...)'' :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Finally, um, on the subject of frustration, would you say it's difficult to steer policy ideas through your department? :'''Fergus:''' ''(stumbling in his testimony)'' Uh, yes, there are, uh...blockages. Uh, there is one person in particular and, well, you know, I don't want to identify her -- or him, if she was a man. Uh, but this particular person, uh, is rather inept and has hampered a lot of our initiatives. And she, or her, or him is, um...very difficult to remove. And so she's a, he is a...they are a stubborn blockage, shall we say, like, you know, when you get hair and soap in a-in a-in a plughole with skin flakes. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' ''(reassuring)'' Thank you. Thank you, Mr. Williams. That's, that's fine. :'''Fergus:''' Sorry, can I just say... :'''Lord Goolding:''' We are very pressed for time, I'm afraid. :'''Fergus:''' Yeah, but I really didn't want the last thing I said... :'''Lord Goolding:''' I'm sorry. :'''Fergus:''' ...to be "skin flakes." :'''Lord Goolding:''' Thank you. <hr width="50%"/> :''(And now, Peter Mannion is discussing Douglas Tickel with the Goolding Inquiry.)'' :'''Simon Weir:''' Uh, when did you first become aware of, uh, Mr. Tickel? :'''Peter:''' When he became the only, um, key worker to refuse our offer of alternative accommodation. Uh, then he sort of dropped off my radar. The next thing I knew he was sewing badges on his tent, and, uh, shouting abuse through a loud hailer. :'''Simon Weir:''' Did you ever feel yourself to be culpable in any way for his, for his homelessness? :'''Peter:''' Look, he-he was homeless only in the sense that he had no home, erm – ''(There are chuckles from the gallery. Peter briefly turns round to them.)'' No, no, a [[wikipedia:Housing_association|Housing Association]] flat was found, which he-he declined. The ''policy'' didn't make him homeless. :'''Lord Goolding:''' The policy of selling off the block of flats where he lived. :'''Peter:''' He made a positive decision to be homeless. It's the difference between being punched in the face and punching yourself in the face. :'''Simon Weir:''' Erm – Why do you think, to use your phrase, he, uh, he punched himself in the face? :'''Peter:''' ''(stammering)'' Why? Well, because he was mentally, er – because he, he, he had, er, mental issues. :'''Simon Weir:''' The email leaked to ''The Guardian,'' uh, which you'll find on pages, uh, 276 to 277 in the-in the evidence...uh, one of your advisers describes Mr. Tickel as, um, "fucking [[wikipedia:Florence Nightingale|Florence Shiteingale]]." Do you not feel that's, uh, a little callous? :'''Peter:''' (dismissively)'' This is-this is, er, rough-and-tumble office banter, er, schoolboy showers stuff. And-and-and schoolgirl showers. Not that -- I mean, not-not literally, but... :''(A few moments later...)'' :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Are you familiar with the phrase "data smuggling"? :'''Peter:''' Data what? :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Um, passing on data from a closed system to an unauthorised source in exchange for money. :'''Peter:''' Oh, yes, right. I see, well it seems everyone's at it. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Are you at it, Mr. Mannion? :'''Peter:''' ''(scoffing)'' No, I'm-I'm-I'm not very good with technology. Uh, the Paper Mate pen is still cutting edge technology as far as I'm concerned. Writes upside-down, you know. :''(Matthew Hodge wants to discuss Douglas Tickel's death with Peter.)'' :'''Matthew Hodge:''' You've told the inquiry that you didn't feel, uh, at all guilty over Mr. Tickel's death. :'''Peter:''' ''(getting defensive)'' Well, I-I-I felt ''bad.'' But-but not ''guilty.'' I-I didn't kill him. I-I've never killed anyone. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Well, no. I mean, noted, but I mean, do you think you could have made a difference, uh, if you had been contactable that day? :'''Peter:''' Why? He wasn't trying to call ''me'', I mean, I-I'm not the [[wikipedia:Samaritans_(charity)|Samaritans]]. In fact, um, uh, apparently, tonally, I-I have a very depressing voice. :''(But WAIT, Peter -- there's more questions!)'' :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Mr. Mannion, do you know Mr. Alistair Leyton, a senior executive at ''The Times''? :'''Peter:''' Yes. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Did you ring Mr. Leyton on the 25th of April to tell him that Mr. Tickel's medical records had been unlawfully obtained, and that this might form the basis of an explosive news story? :'''Peter:''' Did I, uh, ring him on that day, do you mean? I -- Well, I-I can't remember. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Well, did you ring him on any day telling him? :'''Peter:''' ''(trying to assert himself)'' Look, I came into politics to make a difference, to-to ''dare'', to-to get things done, not-not to ''leak'' things, or-or, or ''spin'' or, or ''blag'' or-or...''smuggle'', but-but to ''serve'' with honest, hard work, to ''do''. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' And did you do something? Did you contact your friend at ''The Times''? :'''Peter:''' No, I-I-I didn't do that. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Simon Weir:''' Perhaps we could start by just giving us an idea of what a special adviser does? :'''Emma:''' Erm, er, well, technically, essentially, we just advise a minister. Erm, sort of, media strategies, political strategies, that sort of thing. :'''Simon Weir:''' But you're not permanent members of the Civil Service? :'''Phil:''' Er, no, they're like the, er, the worker ants. We're more like, er – well, not the queens, that would be Peter Mannion and, to a lesser extent, Fergus Williams – we're more like the soldier ants that defend the queens. :'''Simon Weir:''' Would you like to add anything, Mr. Kenyon? :'''Adam:''' Yes, I'm not sure that the ant analogy helps, at all. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Mr. Smith, how would you characterise your relationship with Mr. Kenyon? :'''Phil:''' Well, I think, when you get two silverbacks like Adam and I in a room, there's always going to be a certain amount of chest-beating, but, erm, there's a mutual respect. :''(During Phil's answer, Adam embarrassingly puts his head in his hand.)'' :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Would you agree, Mr. Kenyon? :'''Adam:''' Yes. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Baroness Sureka:''' You yourselves were subject to a leak, weren't you, in the ''Guardian''? How did you feel about the email containing your thoughts about Mr. Tickel's death? :'''Adam:''' Erm, it was shameful, and it was insensitive – :'''Emma:''' Absolutely. :'''Adam:''' – and we would like to apologise for that. It's dreadful. :'''Emma:''' I agree, ''(points to Adam and Phil)'' I mean, their comments were absolutely... unforgivable, mortifying. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' ''(reading)'' 'How many Mr. Tickles does it take to [[wikipedia:Lightbulb_joke|change a light bulb]]? He doesn't have a light bulb, he's in a tent.' 'How do you turn Mr. Tickle into Mr. Happy? [[wikipedia:Lithium_(medication)|Lithium]].' 'What's the difference between Mr. Tickle and [[wikipedia:Lawrence_Oates|Captain Oates]]? Captain Oates has a less stupid name.' Erm, and one I feel that is particularly cruel, Miss Messinger, given Mr. Tickel's mental health issues: 'The fucker's a nutbag'. :'''Emma:''' I'm sor-– It-– That is not okay. Sorry. :'''Phil:''' If I could add a ''mea culpa'' here rather than dancing around it? Others may choose to attempt to wriggle off the hook of shame, but, um, I cannot, I cannot deny that my name is on those emails, and yet I do not recognise that man. It is me, and yet, it is another, and for that I am truly sorry. This has been a humbling moment in my quest to become the man I know I can be. <hr width="50%" /> :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Very good to see you this morning, Infamous Terri Coverley. ''(Terri laughs.)'' Why are you smiling? :'''Terri:''' I'm not smiling. Or rather, I'm smiling, but it's something I do when I'm nervous, erm – :'''Matthew Hodge:''' You have a guilty conscience? :'''Terri:''' No no, no no. No, I don't have a guilty conscience but I do have a guilty face, erm – I do blush a lot and that's a circulation thing, not a moral thing, though I do ''act'' guilty, erm – When I was a child, erm, my brother's hamster was put into a remote control aeroplane, tragic consequences, and, erm, unfortunately I was blamed for that, although I had nothing to do with it, it was that I just looked guilty, so I would ask you to bear that in mind. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Can you explain to us how communications works in government? :'''Terri:''' Well, erm, I use an analogy. Erm, I like to think that dealing with the press is not so much herding ''cats'', it's more herding sheep, and I am the shepherdess, erm, if you like, it's – In order to be an efficient shepherdess, one needs a number of things, I mean – Firstly, one needs a whistle. That's my voice. Secondly, one needs a coat, and that's my coat. And thirdly, one needs a dog, and that in my case is a lady called Robyn.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Simon Weir:''' Would you say that there is a culture of bullying within DoSAC? If I could ask you first, Ms Murdoch. :'''Robyn:''' Erm, I'd say there was a culture of bullying ''me'' at DoSAC. :'''Simon Weir:''' You've experienced bullying there? :'''Robyn:''' Well, you know, I see them all standing around, you know, chattering like squirrels on Red Bull, and when I ask them what they're talking about, they usually bark a tea order at me; or, you know, or call me, er, the blonde bombshite, if I can use that word, or some other horrible sweary thing. :'''Simon Weir:''' That's the form the bullying takes? :'''Robyn:''' And if you refuse to make your boss's tea, you know, they call you [[wikipedia:Mariella_Frostrup|Mariella Shitstrop]]. Or [[wikipedia:Nancy_Sinatra|Flouncy Sinatra]], which doesn't even really work! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Ollie Reeder is ready to deliver his testimony in the inquiry, but first, Lord Goolding makes an important announcement.)'' :'''Lord Goolding:''' As you can see, Baroness Sureka is not with us and will remain absent while she deals with the personal allegations published in ''The Sunday Times.'' This in no way invalidates this inquiry, nor does it compromise the integrity of any questioning conducted by Baroness Sureka. Mr. Hodge. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Thank you. ''(to Ollie)'' Uh, Oliver Reeder, you were a senior adviser to Nicola Murray during her time as Secretary of State at DoSAC. :'''Ollie:''' Yup. I was, uh, ''the'' senior adviser. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Very good, and when Ms. Murray became Leader of the Opposition, uh, you were also one of her senior advisers? :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, again, ''the,'' the senior adviser, yeah. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' I see, and now you're a senior adviser to Mr. Dan Miller? :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, yeah, a slightly less pivotal role with, with Dan, but part of this, kind of, a larger pivot, really. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Mmm-hmm, thank you. Uh, Mr. Reeder, they say that in politics, knowledge is power. :'''Ollie:''' True, yes. Although that doesn't mean that Carol Vorderman should be, uh, Prime Minister. Er...Or I should've, or maybe I should say Stephen Fry, 'cause Carol's just maths, but yeah. :'''Simon Weir:''' You've known, um, Malcolm Tucker for, for, for some years now. :'''Ollie:''' Yes I have, yes. :'''Simon Weir:''' He seems like, uh, an intimidating person. Is he? :'''Ollie:''' Uh, well, I mean, not, not to me. :'''Simon Weir:''' No? :'''Ollie:''' No. Uh, no. Uh, no, although he doesn't, he doesn't suffer fools gladly, I think that's fair to say. Or clever people, to be honest. :'''Simon Weir:''' So he's never, uh, bullied you? :'''Ollie:''' ''(smiling)'' Well, do I-do I look like I could be bullied by Mr. Tucker? I...No. :'''Simon Weir:''' Could you turn to Tab 9? You'll find it in your, in your folder there. Yeah. Um, we have some, uh, some quotes here: Some, uh, evidence of-from several civil servants who all independently suggest that, uh, Mr. Tucker, in fact, regularly ''did'' bully you. 'Mr. Tucker threatened to remove Mr. Reeder's appendix, throw away Mr. Reeder, and appoint the useless flap of colon as special adviser.' :'''Ollie:''' Yeah. Well that's – yes. ''(laughs)'' That's banter. :'''Simon Weir:''' 'Mr. Tucker told Mr. Reeder that he would have him smothered, eviscerated, stuffed, ''(Ollie laughs)'' fitted with wheels, and donated to an orphanage.' :'''Ollie:''' That's, what – 'Cause this is out of context, what you don't have there is my reply. And so, you know, it's just him. :'''Simon Weir:''' And what was that? :'''Ollie:''' Er – Well, I don't remember what it was on this occasion, but it would have been a, you know, it would have been a zinger, because I gave as good as I got, so... :'''Simon Weir:''' Very good. :'''Ollie:''' So it's not bullying. :'''Simon Weir:''' Is there anything about the leaking of the so-called, uh, PFI email that you feel that this inquiry should, should be aware of? :'''Ollie:''' Oh God, um...I mean, I'm...I mean, to be brutally frank, I'm struggling to remember here, but... :'''Simon Weir:''' Well, please take your time. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, of course. :'''Simon Weir:''' There's no hurry. :'''Ollie:''' Of course, yeah. I mean, I think, you know, what you have to remember in this instance is that on the day that all of that stuff took place, um, I was in hospital. So I'm, you know, I was cut off, essentially. I didn't have a phone... :'''Simon Weir:''' I mean, I hadn't mentioned, uh, the use of a phone, I mean... :'''Ollie:''' Yes, no, I know. I'm simply saying I was... :'''Simon Weir:''' You weren't working remotely from the hospital? :'''Ollie:''' ''(stammering)'' No, no, not remotely. Um, uh...In-in-in either sense. No. :'''Simon Weir:''' Did you have any visitors? :'''Ollie:''' Erm... :'''Simon Weir:''' You must be able to remember that. :''(Ollie's still drawing a blank.)'' :'''Lord Goolding:''' Well, if you're not completely sure, Mr. Reeder, we can always check with the visitors' records. :'''Ollie:''' Well, don't -- let's not do that, um, let's not do that for the moment. Let me just...just give-bear with me. Er...but I...did, yes. I think I was visited by, um, by colleagues from the office. :'''Lord Goolding:''' Can you give us a name? :'''Ollie:''' Um...Uh, Malcolm is a name, is, um...is his name. Malcolm's name. Malcolm. Malcolm Tucker visited me. :'''Simon Weir:''' Um, I'm assuming this wasn't a social visit. What did, uh...What did he want? What did Mr. Tucker want? :'''Ollie:''' ''(getting anxious again)'' He wanted to...Wait, okay...I mean, I'm really-I'm -- I'm anxious, I'm keen, I'm trying my best to answer your, uh, questions truthfully, but... :'''Simon Weir:''' I should remind you you are under oath, Mr. -- :'''Ollie:''' Absolutely, yes, I'm under oath, so this is...But, but...uh, what you have to understand is everybody has something on everyone here, right? So in this circumstance, if you inadvertently say or do something, um, uh, you know, that you shouldn't, then that's it. That's it, that's it. It's done. Your career is done. You know, look what happened to, um, a member of this inquiry, right? So you have to... :'''Lord Goolding:''' Mr. Reeder, this is not the place to discuss those allegations. :'''Ollie:''' No, of course, of course. :'''Simon Weir:''' Mr. Reeder, if you feel -- You feel under pressure, am I right? Is that because of something that you know? :'''Ollie:''' ''(still stammering)'' Yes. Well, no. Uh -- General pressure, I feel under a sort of -- Just that, it's the jitters of work. :'''Lord Goolding:''' Who leaked the email, Mr. Reeder? :'''Ollie:''' Glenn Cullen. Er, he was in DoSAC at the time and he, uh, still had access to the email and he hated his life. And he, he, you know, he hated Nicola Murray because she'd previously destroyed his chances of standing as an MP. :'''Lord Goolding:''' Most helpful, Glenn Cullen is our next witness. Most interesting, thank you. :'''Ollie:''' Oh, well, okay. :'''Lord Goolding:''' That's fine, thank you. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Baroness Sureka has successfully returned to the inquiry, and Glenn Cullen is ready to give his testimony.)'' :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Mr. Cullen. I wonder if I could start by taking you back to that time two years ago, you left Nicola Murray and you went to work for Fergus Williams. :'''Glenn:''' Yes, yes I did, that's right. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' And then you found yourself, um, in a coalition with the very party that you opposed. That must have been extremely distressing. :'''Glenn:''' Uh, no, not at all, as a matter of fact. I-I was very invigorated by the idea of, uh, trying to forge a new way in politics. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Mmm-hmm, so all was rosy? :'''Glenn:''' Well, um -- I can't think of any negatives. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' No friction? :'''Glenn:''' No, the only "F" word was "Fun." :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Thank you, Mr. Cullen. Thank you. :'''Simon Weir:''' Uh, Mr. Cullen, would you say there's a culture of leaking in the government? :'''Glenn:''' Yes, I would. Yes, leaking and lying. :'''Simon Weir:''' To your knowledge, have any of your colleagues lied to this inquiry? :'''Glenn:''' Well, I mean, that's a bit like asking, you know, um -- "Does a cow drink milk?" :'''Simon Weir:''' Does it? :'''Glenn:''' Probably. But what I meant to say was, yes, um, my colleagues lie constantly. It's a...professional necessity. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Have you ever leaked, Mr. Cullen? :'''Glenn:''' First of all, may I just say, uh, welcome back, Baroness Sureka. Big hugs. I'm sure I speak for everyone here when I say that we're all thinking of you... :'''Baroness Sureka:''' I'd rather you, um, swapped the ham-fisted flattery for actually answering my question, which was, "Have you ever leaked?" :'''Glenn:''' Right. No, it's a very simple question and it's got a very simple answer. No, I haven't. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Um, you'll be aware of Ollie Reeder's testimony to the inquiry where he said that, uh, you were, in fact, responsible for the PFI leak. :'''Glenn:''' Yes I am. ''(Glenn quickly corrects himself.)'' By which I mean to say I am aware of, of that. But gosh, you've got to be careful what you say here, haven't you? :'''Matthew Hodge:''' You most certainly do, Mr. Cullen. Let's hope we're both up to it. Is there any truth at all to Mr. Reeder's accusations? :'''Glenn:''' Absolutely none whatsoever. He's talking out of hi -- Out of his other cheeks, if you... :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Why would Oliver Reeder suggest that you were behind the PFI email leak, then? :'''Glenn:''' I've absolutely no idea. It's very difficult for me to get into the mindset of somebody so entirely self-serving and, um...spiritually ugly. I mean, anyone who's been unfortunate enough to have come across Ollie Reeder will know that he is a genuinely...atrocious person. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Do you believe Mr. Reeder was trying to cover himself, in that case? :'''Glenn:''' Well, I do believe he has the emotional tools for the task. Yes, certainly. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Do you believe that Ollie Reeder was behind the leak? :'''Glenn:''' ''(after a long pause...)'' No. You see...a-a leak of this magnitude would require one essential item that Ollie lacks. And that's a spine. He is a man without a spine. He is a man-worm. He's a writhing mollusk without any strategies or convictions. He-he simply slimes his way into the nearest crack every night, and I would like to put on record that I apologize to this committee for being the man who brought him into the world of politics. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lord Goolding:''' Thank you for returning to this inquiry, Mr. Tucker. :'''Malcolm:''' That's no problem. I had a hair appointment, but I think they can fit me in next week. :'''Lord Goolding:''' There's no need to be so flippant about this inquiry. :'''Malcolm:''' Well, it's just, you know, you keep asking me the same questions, I can't really help it if you don't like the answers. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Maybe you can try a little harder in answering. I'm amazed you stayed at the top of politics for quite so long with such apparently poor powers of recall. :'''Malcolm:''' Well, maybe it's my age – it's good to see you back, by the way. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Thank you, nice to see you too. :'''Lord Goolding:''' At your last appearance at this inquiry, you admitted that you have leaked, is that correct? :'''Malcolm:''' Well, everyone leaks: many many people who have appeared here in front of you have leaked, but they've just lied about it to you. :'''Simon Weir:''' Mr. Tucker, that's an incredibly serious charge; do you have any evidence to substantiate that allegation? :'''Malcolm:''' Will you forgive me if I don't do your job for you? Because if you can't spot a sprayed-on halo of someone doing a "what, me guv?" panto act, then maybe you shouldn't be sitting behind that desk. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' At your last appearance we asked you very specifically how you came by Mr. Tickel's NHS number and National Insurance number, and you could not recall. Have you had any more time to think about it? :'''Malcolm:''' Yes, I have. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' And could you tell us any more? :'''Malcolm:''' No. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' You've got no recollection at all? :'''Malcolm:''' No. And by the way, you should not be talking to me about this because you've been a victim of leaking, a very unfortunate victim, and I have every sympathy with you, but how can you possibly give me a fair hearing when you've been a victim of the very crime that you are accusing me of? You are prejudiced; this entire inquiry, therefore, is prejudiced. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' I can see what you're doing, it smacks of desperation and it will not work. :'''Malcolm:''' Does it? No, listen, there you go again, see, that's you, you're just rushing to judgement. You are totally discredited here. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' I am obliged to remind you, Mr. Tucker, that you are under oath, and if you lie to this inquiry, it may result in a criminal prosecution. :'''Malcolm:''' Sorry, please don't insult my intelligence by acting as if you're all so naive that you don't know how this all works. Everybody in this room has bent the rules to get in here, because you don't get in this room without bending the rules. You don't get to where ''you'' are without bending the rules, that's the way it is. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Mr. Tucker, I am going to give you one more chance to respond to my question. How did you acquire Mr. Tickel's NHS number and his National Insurance number? :'''Malcolm:''' Who said I acquired it? :'''Baroness Sureka:''' A photograph. :'''Malcolm:''' No no, the photograph shows me holding it. It doesn't show me acquiring it. You'd have to ask the person that gave me the folder. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Who gave you the folder? :'''Malcolm:''' I don't remember. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' You are being deliberately evasive. :'''Malcolm:''' ... I – I don't recall, you know, I don't know, I can't remember. :'''Lord Goolding:''' Very well. Regardless of how you came by Mr. Tickel's mental health records, did you then leak them to the media? :'''Malcolm:''' I can't recall. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' So that's not a denial? :'''Malcolm:''' ''Je ne remember rien.'' :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Well, if you can't recall, it leaves open the possibility that you did leak them. :'''Malcolm:''' Let me tell you this. The whole planet's leaking, everybody is leaking! You know? Everyone's spewing up their guts onto the internet, putting up their relationship status and photos of their [[wikipedia:Vajazzle|vajazzles]]! We've come to a point where there are people, ''millions'' of people, who are quite happy to trade a kidney in order to go on television! And to show people their knickers, to show people their skid marks, and then complain to ''[[wikipedia:OK!|OK!]]'' magazine about a breach of privacy! The exchange of private information – that is what drives our economy. But, you come after me because you can't arrest a landmass, can you? You can't cuff a country. You might as well just go and – you can't lynch that guy there, can you? But you decide that you can sit there, you can judge and you can ogle me like a [[wikipedia:Page_3|Page 3]] girl. You don't like it? Well, you don't like yourself. You don't like your species, and you know what? Neither do I, but how ''dare'' you come and lay this at my door! How ''dare'' you blame ME -- for THIS! Which is the result of a political class, which has given up on morality and simply pursues popularity at all costs. I am you and you are me. :'''Lord Goolding:''' Are you finished? :'''Malcolm:''' Ah, I'm finished anyway. You didn't finish me. :'''Lord Goolding:''' Would you like to stand down? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(getting up and walking out)'' Thanks, m'Lord.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Simon Weir:''' Although you did previously describe yourself as a shepherdess. ''(Robyn laughs)'' Now, did you have something to add to that? :'''Robyn:''' I just – Shepherdess, did she say – ''(to Terri)'' Did you say shepherdess? :'''Terri:''' Yes, I was giving an analogy – I mean, to be fair, erm, perhaps it would have been more accurate for me to describe myself as a sheep in shepherdess's clothing. Do you follow? :'''Simon Weir:''' Er, no, not completely, no. :'''Robyn:''' The shepherdess analogy's floored him.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Your own privacy is important to you. :'''Stewart:''' Yeah, absolutely, I have a meditation room at home. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Well, you know, I think we all have one of those at home. :''(all chuckle)'' :'''Stewart:''' Oh, right, er – do you mean a toilet? Yeah, 'cause I'm talking about a dedicated meditation room. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' I see. :'''Stewart:''' Although it did actually use to be a toilet, it made it easier to plumb in the waterfall.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Matthew Hodge:''' In less figurative terms, what is the nature of your job? :'''Terri:''' Well, I don't like to toot my own trumpet, as they say, but I like to think of myself as God: erm, I fashion DoSAC in mine own image, er, to quote the Bible. ''(looks for the Bible on her desk)'' Erm, that's in the Bible, isn't it? :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Sorry, what exactly do you mean? :'''Lord Goolding:''' I'm not sure I follow you. :'''Terri:''' Oh, well I'm – Sorry. Erm, I'm a translator. Um, I translate, from the outside world, things that come into the department, and vice versa. :'''Lord Goolding:''' So are you saying you change what you hear? You manipulate? :'''Terri:''' No no no, it's a bit, erm – ''[[wikipedia:Songs_of_Praise|Songs of Praise]]''. There's a deaf and dumb lady doing deaf and dumb language. :'''Lord Goolding:''' Sign language? :'''Terri:''' Yes, well it's like that, I take the ugly words, and I translate them, as it were, into a beautiful gesture. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' If I'm to understand you correctly, you stop information going to and from your department, and you change what that information is. :'''Terri:''' No no no, I ''didn't'', I didn't say that – :'''Matthew Hodge:''' No, on the contrary, you ''did'' say that. :'''Terri:''' No, er –<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Lord Goolding:''' You can understand how suspicion might fall upon you, given your antipathy to Mrs. Murray as a leader. :'''Malcolm:''' Nicola's real name is 'If Wet Nicola Murray'; if she worked for the West End, her name would always be preceded by the words, 'Tonight the role of Mary Poppins will be taken by' Nicola Murray. Because she's basically an understudy who got lucky, she got on, she got to play the lead. But she wet herself, she was too frightened, and she went home crying, you know; it happens. ==Series 4, Episode 7== :''(In this scene, the phone in Peter's office keeps running, and he keeps picking up the phone -- only to hang up without really answering. While he's doing this, Phil enters Peter's office.)'' :'''Peter:''' Look, Phil. Every petty criminal in the country is in a holding pattern, because that barrel of cocks at the Home Office can't process their arrests quick enough. ''(Peter disconnects his phone.)'' So why am I the one who has to gimp himself out all day to Martha Kearney and Eddie Mair? :'''Phil:''' Because since the inquiry, DoSAC looks toxic and weak, and they're just trying to pile all the government's ills on top of us. :'''Peter:''' Who's fault's that, Phil? :'''Phil:''' I've said I'm sorry about the inquiry, okay? I started writing you a letter but it just seemed pretentious. Look, if it's any consolation, I haven't felt that humiliated since my trunks fell down at the school [[wikipedia:Swimming_gala|swimming gala]]. :'''Peter:''' It's of absolutely no consolation to think of you naked in front of 500 boys. :'''Emma:''' ''(walking in, on her phone)'' Yeah, absolutely, Trevor. OK, yeah, drinks soon. Yeah, you too. OK, bye. ''(hangs up)'' Oh, God! I just felt my ovaries cringe. I'm trying to flirt our way out of this police backlog.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Phil:''' I thought we weren't talking to [[wikipedia:The_Proclaimers|The Proclaimers]]. :'''Peter:''' We have to play happy families for Mary, pretend I don't actually want to strangle Fergus's bollocks so they look like glacé cherries. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Emma:''' You are telling me that you have been running parts of this country, Terri. What the fuck are you trying to do, [[wikipedia:2012_phenomenon|prove the Mayans right]]? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' Meanwhile, an unarrested feral underclass has gone [[wikipedia:Mad_Max_(franchise)|Mad Max]], and police station waiting rooms are heaving like the hedgehog carvery at a gypsy wedding.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Stewart:''' Ah, Peter. This ''[[Wars of the Roses|War of the Roses]]'' with the Home Office? It ends now. We want a united realm. There's no vision in division. :'''Peter:''' Well, yes there is; ''(looks to Fergus's office)'' anyway, tell [[wikipedia:Perkin_Warbeck|Perkin Warbeck]] over there. :'''Stewart:''' OK people, could we briefly form a coherent group? :'''Terri:''' Mary Drake is in the building, she's on her way up. :'''Stewart:''' OK...Shields up, guys; Centurions, we're forming a [[wikipedia:Testudo_formation|tortoise]]. :''(Adam approaches Terri, and he's holding a ThinkSocially pamphlet in his hand.)'' :'''Adam:''' ''(to Terri)'' Okay. Terri, ThinkSocially. Did I sign off on this? Because I hadn't heard of ThinkSocially until I said it just then. :'''Terri:''' Okay, uh... :'''Adam:''' So what is it? :'''Terri:''' Simple explanation. :'''Adam:''' Love to hear it. :''(But as Terri gets ready to explain, Mary Drake from the Home Office has arrived at DoSAC...and she's not happy.)'' :'''Peter:''' ''(moaning)'' Oh, God. Here-Here's Mary. Bunch up, everyone, so she doesn't see the corpses. :''(Peter then hides in his office.)'' :'''Emma:''' Look, synchronize lies, all right? ''(Emma approaches Mary and shakes her hand.)'' Mary, hi. Hi, Emma, we met at the away day. I so enjoyed our, our mood play. :'''Mary:''' Yes, you actually did, didn't you? ''(to Terri)'' Oh, you must be the legendary Terri. ''(Mary shakes Terri's hand)'' I've heard a great deal about you. :'''Terri:''' Oh, oh, please, don't, uh, don't believe everything that you hear. :'''Mary:''' ''(sharply)'' I fully intend not to. ''(to Stewart)'' Stewart. Chakras balanced? :'''Fergus:''' Uh, sorry. Tiny bit of, uh, housekeeping. ''(to Terri)'' Terri, um, uh, ThinkSocially? Uh, just checking in on that. :'''Terri:''' Yes. Yes, it's a go thing. Double-stamped, yes. :''(Peter emerges from his office and greets Mary with an uneasy smile.)'' :'''Peter:''' Mary! Great to see you again. :'''Mary:''' ''(flatly)'' I'm here in an angry capacity. :'''Peter:''' Ah! The cream in our coffee, Mary. :'''Mary:''' ''(to all)'' The message from the Home Office is this: Move away from the backlog. There's nothing to see. Let the police do their jobs, let us do ours. :'''Fergus:''' Sorry to be, uh, ''contrary,'' Mary, but Peter and I have just been discussing this very issue. :'''Mary:''' Shut up! Let me tell you something now: DoSAC is one rat's whisker away from being shut down and subsumed by the Home Office, and put in charge of cocking up the tea run! And I like mine weak, and white. Like my men. ''(leaves)'' :'''Peter:''' Stewart, any thoughts from within your fucking dream yurt? :'''Stewart:''' I will go and try and de-frag this situation, but I am staying strictly macro. ''(leaves)'' :'''Adam:''' Subtitles, you need subtitles! :'''Fergus:''' ''(to Terri)'' Sorry, erm, ThinkSocially. Terri, would you mind explaining ''rationally'' why I appear to be giving a ringing endorsement to a piece of shit that I've never even heard of? :'''Terri:''' It's not my fault, it's the-it's the double-stamping nonsense, that's the reason. :'''Adam:''' Oh, really? Because right now, I want to double-stamp on your fucking throat. :'''Terri:''' I'm gonna take that seriously as a physical threat! :'''Adam:''' You know, one of the many many things that baffles me about you is you remain unmurdered! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Ollie is entering Malcolm's office.)'' :'''Ollie:''' M. Tucker. :'''Malcolm:''' Ollie. Um...We need to have a little chat. :'''Ollie:''' You're not splitting up with me, are you? Because I'm pregnant and it's quads, so, you know...You're not laughing. :'''Malcolm:''' Well, I'm laughing on the inside. Which is a tad ironic, because I'm leaving here in five minutes to get arrested. :'''Ollie:''' Hang on. Sorry...Uh, you're gonna be arrested at the exact same time that Dan Miller's doing his Lewisham walkabout? :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. But I'm going to Brentford where nobody will be watching me, because they'll all be with him. :'''Ollie:''' So, the Leader of the Opposition is going to be filmed at a police station at the exact moment that his Head of Communications is being arrested. Yes, okay, great, great, so that's a sack full of face-chewing rats, thank you very much. :'''Malcolm:''' Look, it's – This is what you have to deal with, right? It's just another day at the fuck office. :'''Ollie:''' So now I have to step into your shoes, but ''after'' you've shat in them. :'''Malcolm:''' Ollie, look at me! I'm not pulling anything out of a magic hat. The rabbits are falling to pieces, their fucking heads are coming off and frightening the kids. So somebody else is going to have to help out. :'''Ollie:''' Well, who says I even want to be you, Malcolm? Who says that? :'''Malcolm:''' Nobody says that. Except every screaming atom of that etiolated stick of fuck you call a body says that. Every fibre of your being, every stamen...says that. But you are not me, Ollie. :'''Ollie:''' No. :'''Malcolm:''' And you never will be me. I knew Malcolm F. Tucker, sir...and you are no Malcolm Fucking Tucker. You're not even fucking Manchester's top Malcolm Tucker tribute band. And trying to be me? ''You?!'' Trying to be me will fucking kill you. I give you 18 months before you're a washed out, weeping, alcoholic. With no fucking bladder control. Sleeping on your brother-in-law's sofa. :'''Ollie:''' And so on, and so on. It doesn't have to be like that, now, Malcolm. Politics has actually changed, right? :'''Malcolm:''' Oh? :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, yeah! Yeah, and you probably haven't noticed because you've been on transmit for the last fucking eight years: "Wah wah wah wah wah!" And whilst you've been doing that, everybody else has been changing, and it's all a bit softcore now, it's all about algorithms now. You don't have to be Malcolm Tucker to sit in that chair. :'''Malcolm:''' Oh, how quickly they grow up. You fucking think you know me? :'''Ollie:''' Well, yeah. Yeah, I know you. :'''Malcolm:''' You know [[wikipedia:Jackie Chan|Jackie fucking Chan]] about me. YOU KNOW FUCK ALL ABOUT ME! ''I'' am totally beyond the realms of your fucking tousle-haired, fucking dimwitted compre-fucking-hension! I don’t just take this fucking job home, you know. I take this job home, it fucking ties me to the bed, and it fucking fucks me from arsehole to breakfast. Then it wakes me up in the morning with a cup full of ''piss'' slung in my face, slaps me about the chops, to make sure I’m awake enough so it can kick me in the fucking bollocks! This job has taken me in every hole in my fucking body! MALCOLM IS GONE, you can't know Malcolm, 'cause Malcolm is not here! Malcolm fucking left the building fucking years ago! This is a fucking husk! I am a fucking host for this fucking job! Do you want this job? :'''Ollie:''' ... Yes. :'''Malcolm:''' Yes! You ''do'' fucking want this job! Then you're gonna have to fucking swallow this whole fucking life and let it grow inside you like a parasite, getting bigger and bigger and bigger until it fucking eats your insides alive and it stares out of your eyes and tells you what to do! :'''Ollie:''' Malcolm, this sounds like the fucking video you leave on YouTube after you've blown your brains out! :'''Malcolm:''' I'm as dead as fucking [[wikipedia:Two-tone_(music_genre)|two-tone]]. But I can fashion my own exit. :'''Ollie:''' Oh, Christ. What, are you gonna [[wikipedia:Suicide_tourism#Switzerland|fly to Switzerland]] and have a wank off a nurse and a bye-bye pill, are you? :'''Malcolm:''' Funny, funny man. Political exit. :'''Ollie:''' No, I know. :'''Malcolm:''' I'm gonna leave the stage with my head held fucking high, right? What you're going to see is a masterclass in fucking dignity, son. The audience will be on their feet. "There he goes," they'll say. "No friends - no real friends - no children, no glory, no memoirs." ... Well, fuck them. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Nicola has discovered that Declan, the journalist due to interview her, is the man behind 'Mr Chop'!)'' :'''Nicola:''' I am, uh...ever so close to being on the verge of bawling my fucking eyes out' disappointed about this. I mean, this was it, was it? What was the alternative, going on Strictly Come Dancing and doing a fucking hooky waltz with [[wikipedia:Abu_Hamza_al-Masri|Abu Hamza]]? This is pretty low. This is lower than my mother's pelvic floor, Helen. :'''Helen:''' I had to virtually go on the game to get you this. So, frankly, I don't care whether he wants to roll around in applesauce with you. Get in there and do as you're told. :'''Nicola:''' ''(taking a breath)'' Right. I will go, because I'm choosing to go in. But I just need you to know for the record... :'''Helen:''' Just get in there before I push you in. <hr width="50%"/> :''(At [[wikipedia:Lewisham|Lewisham]] Police Station, where private contractors have reduced the arrest backlog.)'' :'''Dan:''' Ollie, what the fuck are we doing here? Everything's fine. I'm like lube at a funeral. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah. I can't believe it but DoSAC have actually turned this around, they've [[wikipedia:Apollo_13|Apollo 13]]'d it. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm and his lawyer are trying to get out of [[wikipedia:Brentford|Brentford]] Police Station. They come across a policeman escorting a prisoner.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' 'Scuse me, is there another way out of here? :'''Prisoner:''' You could hang yourself. :'''Malcolm:''' Fuck off! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm and his lawyer are running away from reporters to their taxi, but it drives off)'' :'''Malcolm:''' HEY! GET THE FUCK BACK HERE! ''(the taxi stops and they get in)'' Jesus Christ! Go! Go go go! ''(the taxi drives off)'' You fucking drive off like that again, and I'll stick your meter so far down your throat you'll be able to tell the price of your next ''shit''. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Glenn:''' Come out, everyone! Tally-ho, yoo-hoo! Come on, bring out your fucking dead! Right, everybody listen, I've got an announcement to make, erm... :'''Phil:''' What is it, you got an erection? :'''Glenn:''' No. I would like to tell you all that I'm resigning! :'''Phil:''' Is that it? :'''Glenn:''' No, you closeted [[wikipedia:Regency_era|Regency]] homosexual, that is not it. Morally, this department is in the gutter! :'''Fergus:''' Thanks for the speech, Glenn, but we have work – :'''Glenn:''' ''(grabs a desktop lamp)'' YOU STAY AND TAKE YOUR PUNISHMENT! I will lamp you, with a lamp! :'''Terri:''' Glenn, you've gone a tiny bit psychotic, my love. :'''Glenn:''' ''(puts down the lamp)'' You, Fergus, when you asked me to join you, all you had was your principles, but over the last two years, you've bent like a human fucking palm tree, swaying to the guff of these six-toed born-to-rule pony-fuckers. :'''Adam:''' If you're gonna go, just go. Spare us this [[Network (film)|Peter Finch bullshit]]. :'''Glenn:''' Oh! Adam, you're waiting for your turn! Oh no! I remember, it's your turn right now! :'''Adam:''' Brilliant. Bring it. :'''Glenn:''' You are simply the most loathsome human being I have ever met. :'''Adam:''' Yep. :'''Glenn:''' You were so well-suited at the ''Mail'', it's a shame you came over here! :'''Emma:''' Hear, hear! ''(she and Phil clap)'' :'''Glenn:''' Do you know what? I hate you both: [[wikipedia:Tweedledum_and_Tweedledee|Tweedle-twat and Tweedle-prick]]! You contribute absolutely ''nothing'' to the world, so thank fucking God you have ''no power!'' :'''Fergus:''' Er, we do actually, it's – :'''Glenn:''' No, you don't. And Peter: it's been dreadful. I hope your cock falls off. Phil, do you know what you are? You're like an eight-year-old trapped in a twelve-year-old's body. :'''Phil:''' ''(gleefully)'' This is great! Why isn't anyone filming this? :'''Glenn:''' And Emma. :'''Phil:''' Yeah, yeah, do Emma, do Emma! :'''Glenn:''' Yeah, Emma, I'm sorry, you're just a standard-issue insipid posh bitch. That's it! Terri? ''(takes a pair of scissors)'' :'''Phil:''' Oh, whoa, whoa. :'''Glenn:''' I don't think I've ever met anyone quite so proud, and yet quite so useless. But I do have to thank you, ''(takes his pass and cuts it up)'' because I have managed to stay in shape, purely though the energy I spend in pitying you every day! :'''Terri:''' Glenn, you're just embarrassing yourself. :'''Glenn:''' Fuck you all up the wrong 'un! Ta ta! Bye bye! ''(leaves)'' :'''Phil:''' That was better than IMAX ''[[Inception (film)|Inception]]''. :'''Emma:''' Poor, poor Glenn! :'''Peter:''' Should we try and get him back? :'''Emma:''' Fuck, no. He's gone completely mental! :'''Adam:''' He's gone Glenn-tal. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm's last line)'' :'''Malcolm:''' I want to say something. I want to say something! ''(long silence)'' It doesn't matter. <hr width="50%"/> :''(As the Team DoSAC Coalition is celebrating Malcolm's arrest -- with some booze, no less -- Mary Drake returns with some big news.)'' :'''Mary:''' ''(to Peter)'' Drinking on the job, Peter? Why not? You've already got the efficiency of a man who's half cut. :'''Peter:''' Oh, then I must have dreamt that, uh, my idea had ''successfully reduced the arrest backlog?'' :'''Mary:''' DoSAC did do rather well today, uh, actually. :'''Terri:''' Thank you. :'''Mary:''' But there's a conspicuous blockage that will lead to a personnel change. :''(Mary then turns to Stewart, who's sitting on the floor.)'' :'''Mary:''' ''(to Stewart)'' Stewart. You're out. You're gonna be pickled in a think tank. :'''Terri:''' What? :'''Stewart:''' ''(scoffing)'' Of course I am, Mary. And whose authority is this coming from, hmm? :'''Mary:''' The PM, whilst acknowledging the need for thoughts, is keener on actions these days. I'm gonna be providing those. Stewart, there's no need for you to clear your desk, because you're a walking thought pod, aren't you? :'''Stewart:''' ''(calm, but clearly unhappy)'' Absolutely. Thank you very much...Thanks, um... :''(But then, Stewart launches one last razor sharp parting shot.)'' :'''Stewart:''' You know, I've spent ''ten'' years detoxifying this party, hmmm? It's been a bit like renovating an old, old house, yeah? You can take out a sexist beam here, a callous window there, replace the odd homophobic roof tile. ''(Stewart finally gets up.)'' But after a while you realise that this renovation is doomed. Because the foundations are built on what I can only describe as a solid bed of ''cunts.'' <hr width="50%"/> :''(This is the show's closing line.)'' :'''Peter:''' What a shit day! == Cast == '''The Government''' * [[w:Peter Capaldi|Peter Capaldi]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Malcolm Tucker]] * [[w:Paul Higgins (actor)|Paul Higgins]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Jamie McDonald]] * [[w:Alex MacQueen|Alex MacQueen]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Julius Nicholson]] * [[w:Rebecca Front|Rebecca Front]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Nicola Murray]] * [[w:|Eve Matheson]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Clare Ballentine]] * [[w:Justin Edwards|Justin Edwards]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Ben Swain]] * [[w:Rory Kinnear|Rory Kinnear]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Ed]] * [[w:Tony Gardner|Tony Gardner]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Dan Miller]] * [[w:James Smith|James Smith]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Glenn Cullen]] * [[w:Chris Addison|Chris Addison]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Oliver "Ollie" Reeder]] * [[w:Rob Edwards|Rob Edwards]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Geoff Holhurst]] '''Her Majesty's Civil Service''' * [[w:Joanna Scanlan|Joanna Scanlan]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Terri Coverley]] * [[w:Polly Kemp|Polly Kemp]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Robyn Murdoch]] '''The Opposition''' * [[w:Vincent Franklin|Vincent Franklin]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Stewart Pearson]] * [[w:Roger Allam|Roger Allam]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Peter Mannion]] * [[w:Olivia Poulet|Olivia Poulet]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Emma Messinger]] * [[w:Will Smith (comedian)|Will Smith]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Phil Smith]] '''The Media''' * [[w:Ben Willbond|Ben Willbond]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Adam Kenyon]] * [[w:Lucinda Raikes|Lucinda Raikes]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Angela Heaney]] '''Former Characters''' * [[w:Chris Langham|Chris Langham]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Hugh Abbot]] * [[w:Tim Bentinck|Tim Bentinck]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Cliff Lawton]] * [[w:Martin Savage|Martin Savage]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Nick Hanway]] * [[w:Rebecca Gethings|Rebecca Gethings]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Helen Hatley]] * [[w:Geoffrey Streatfeild|Geoffrey Streatfeild]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Fergus Williams]] == External links == {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title|id=0459159|title=The Thick Of It}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Thick of It, The}} [[Category:BBC shows]] [[Category:Cancelled shows]] [[Category:Political satirical TV shows]] [[Category:UK sitcoms]] [[Category:UK workplace comedy TV shows]] jwn3gj4m4e726hcpkcb55ws2525o34c 3153120 3153111 2022-08-10T02:59:13Z Mr. Brain 3009526 /* Series 3, Episode 3 */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:The Thick of It|The Thick of It]]''''' is a British sitcom, satirising the inner workings of modern government, that finished its fourth (and final) series in October 2012. It stars [[wikipedia:Peter Capaldi|Peter Capaldi]] as spin doctor [[wikipedia:Malcolm Tucker|Malcolm Tucker]]. See also ''[[In The Loop]]'', a spin-off feature film. ==Series 1, Episode 1== :''(Malcolm Tucker's first line.)'' :'''Malcolm Tucker:''' ''(on his phone, in Cliff Lawton's office)'' No, he's useless. He's absolutely useless. He is, he's useless, he's as useless as a marzipan dildo. All right. Got to go. Minister's just walked in. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm Tucker has just told Cliff Lawton, the head of the Department of Social Affairs, that he has to resign as Minister.)'' :'''Cliff Lawton:''' Malcolm, look, um – if you do this, it's the bollocks of the jungle out there, you know? They're like wolves. Pissed wolves. :'''Malcolm Tucker:''' I've made the announcement: I've told [[wikipedia:The_Lobby|the Lobby]] you're going, Cliff. :'''Cliff:''' You've told the Lobby I'm going? :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. Sorry, Cliff. :'''Cliff:''' Minister. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, get used to Cliff. I've booked you in for the usual soapy tit-wank farewell at Number 10, in 20 minutes. Also drafted you a letter of resignation: gives you the chance to say that you're jumping before you're pushed, although obviously we're gonna be briefing that you ''were'' pushed, sorry. :'''Cliff:''' Um...Look, tell you what. You don't need to do all of this. What about Tom? Everybody knows he's fucking up Transport. :'''Malcolm:''' We can't sack Tom at Transport. We can't lose anyone at Transport, they're important. :'''Cliff:''' What? And Social Affairs isn't? :'''Malcolm:''' OK, the Department of Social for Commercial Affairs is very important, but it's not Transport. Transport's cars, buses, trucks. :'''Cliff:''' I KNOW WHAT TRANSPORT FUCKING ENTAILS! :''(Malcolm gives Cliff his infamous "bollocking stare.")'' :'''Cliff:''' Look, look...Look. I'll look at it. :''(Cliff looks at the resignation note.)'' :'''Cliff:''' Personal reasons. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. I thought that would give you adequate scope. :'''Cliff:''' Scope. What, like, um...shooting up in the Cabinet Office or something? Stuffing a cat up my arse and having a wank? What do you mean, scope? :'''Malcolm:''' You know, this could be a great deal worse. You have had a good innings. You have been here for 18 months. And you know, I have written some very nice things about you in the PM's reply to your resignation. Some very nice fucking things indeed. I had a lump in my throat. And you know why? Because no one who matters thinks any less of you over this -- ''so far.'' OK? ''(beat)'' Right. One more thing: ''[[wikipedia:The Daily Mail|The Daily Mail]]''. David Topham has got it into his head that we are gonna sack you because of press pressure. :'''Cliff:''' I wonder why. :'''Malcolm:''' Look. You're in no position to dish out fucking sarcasm. That's over. You no longer have purchase in the sarcasm world. Get on the phone. Tell him you're jumping before you're pushed -- although we were gonna push you, but not because of press pressure, but because of your deeply held fucking personal issues, whatever they were. :'''Cliff:''' You want me to write my own obituary. :'''Malcolm:''' Get on the fucking phone. Do it now. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Hugh Abbot, the new head of the Department of Social Affairs, is calling a big meeting to announce his first major policy. Joining Hugh in his office are his staff members: Glenn Cullen, Hugh's senior advisor and best friend; Oliver "Ollie" Reeder, Hugh's junior advisor; and Terri Coverley, the department's Chief Press Secretary.)'' :'''Hugh Abbot:''' Shush! I've got something very important to say. I've got -- Ollie, I've got something for us. I've got us a very, very tasty little morsel. Because this morning I had a chat with my very good friend, the Prime Minister of Great Britain. ''(Glenn, Ollie, and Terri are very interested.)'' Yes. And, um, remember the, um, um -- Ollie, your Benefit Unit Fraud... :'''Ollie Reeder:''' Anti-Benefit Fraud Executive. ABFE. :'''Hugh:''' ABFE. Um, Scrounger Squad. :'''Ollie:''' Snooper Squad. :'''Hugh:''' ''(correcting himself)'' Snooper Squad. :'''Terri Coverley:''' The one with the spending implications? :'''Hugh:''' Yes, and the Prime Minister's view, it turns out, is very much, "Fuck the spending implications, I like it." :'''Glenn Cullen:''' Good. :'''Hugh:''' So this is us. We're on the map. It's a chance for me, Glenn, to get on Richard & Judy and plant that flag right on their fucking sofa. :'''Terri:''' So the, um, the Prime Minister's authorized you -- he ''has'' authorized you to announce it, has he? :'''Hugh:''' That's very much what he signaled, yes, very clearly. He said that he's very much right behind us on this and it's very much what we should be doing. :'''Ollie:''' This is great. So we can do it this afternoon at the school, can't we? We can, uh, we can clear the press conference that we've got... :'''Terri:''' ''(getting up to leave)'' Excuse me. :'''Glenn:''' Yeah. We'll "double-bubble" it, yeah? We'll leak it to the Standard for the early editions and then trail it on the World at One. Yes? Right. I'll tell you, we, we need someone at the Standard we can give this to. What about Angela Heaney? She's at the Standard now, isn't she? Hugh? :'''Hugh:''' Yeah. :'''Glenn:''' Ollie? :'''Ollie:''' Um...yes, she is. Do you not think that maybe she's a bit junior, I think. :'''Glenn:''' Bit too much like your ex who broke your heart and then dumped you with a text message? :'''Ollie:''' It was a fucking e-mail. It wasn't a text message. :'''Glenn:''' We give it to her, she'll write what we want. :'''Hugh:''' She's easy. :'''Glenn:''' She is easy. :''(Terri returns to the office, trying to tell the guys to control their excitement over the Snooper Squad policy.)'' :'''Terri:''' Uh, one moment. I can see that you've all got very big, stiff hard-ons for this one -- :'''Hugh:''' Sorry? :'''Terri:''' That's -- that is nice. I'm not saying that's not nice. But... :'''Hugh:''' ''(surprised)'' Terri! :'''Terri:''' But there is absolutely no way we're gonna clear it by this afternoon. So... :'''Ollie:''' Why not? :'''Terri:''' Do cool it, just for a minute, and I'll ring Paul at the Treasury. :'''Hugh, Glenn, and Ollie:''' NO NO NO NO NO NO NO! :'''Hugh:''' No phone calls to the Treasury, thank you. :'''Ollie:''' If you call the Treasury to get anywhere near the announcement, he's gonna have to dress up as catering with a big tray of drinks and a pot of sliced lemons. :'''Hugh:''' I'm not doing that. :'''Terri:''' I'm just going by procedure. :'''Hugh:''' Terri, I love doing things the right way, that ethical stuff. I, I-I love it, I mean, we all, we all do. But -- but, you know, it's very difficult when you're the first person to put your gun down, because people tend to jump on your head as if it was a ripe watermelon. We don't want that, do we? :'''Ollie:''' The Prime Minister said he wants to do it. The Prime Minister is above the Treasury in the hierarchy. I can write it down on a chart if it actually helps. :'''Terri:''' Whatever. :'''Glenn:''' Thank you. :'''Terri:''' Very good, Minister. I'll get to it. :'''Hugh:''' ''(to Terri)'' You're just doing your job. ''(After Terri leaves, Hugh whispers to Glenn & Ollie)'' Not very well. :'''Glenn:''' ''(on his cell phone)'' Will you get Angela on the phone for Ollie? ''(to Ollie)'' You can deal with this, Ollie, yes? Thank you. :'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' The driver. :'''Ollie:''' ''(answering Glenn's question, despondently)'' Technically. :'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Will it be my usual driver? :'''Glenn:''' Yes, Hugh. :'''Hugh:''' I don't fucking like him. :'''Glenn:''' Why not? :'''Hugh:''' He's...I don't know. I think he despises me. :'''Glenn:''' We'll have to use him today, because you know how the pool system works. So we go down to the school...um...have to. :'''Hugh:''' He's sort of contemptuous. :'''Glenn:''' The driver? :'''Hugh:''' I feel like he looks down on me. :'''Glenn:''' No, Hugh, he likes you, I'm sure. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Hugh and Glenn are in the car listening to ''[[wikipedia:The World at One|The World at One]]''. They're celebrating Hugh's "Snooper Force" policy being given the green light.)'' :'''[[wikipedia:Nick Clarke|Nick Clarke]]:''' (on the radio) ''The World at One. This is Nick Clarke with 30 minutes of news...'' :'''Hugh:''' Well, you can fuck off for a start. :'''Nick Clarke:''' ''The Social Affairs Secretary Hugh Abbot...'' :'''Hugh:''' ''(quite proudly)'' Evening. :'''Glenn:''' First story up. :'''Hugh:''' Top of the bill. :'''Nick Clarke:''' ''...a uniformed, so-called Snooper Force. The announcement suggests the DSA has pushed the Treasury into releasing more funds, so we'll ask, is the Treasury losing its... :'''Hugh:''' Yes it is, and not before time! :'''Nick Clarke:''' ''...Social Affairs spokesman Mark Davis Nathenson... :'''Hugh:''' If you can get him out of the bath! :'''Nick Clarke:''' ''But first, the estimates of fatalities from yesterday's train disaster in Bangalore have risen precipitously overnight... :'''Hugh:''' Well, that's marvelous. :''(But then, Hugh's cell phone rings...)'' :'''Hugh:''' Oh, Tucker. ''(Happily answering the call)'' Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' What the fuck was that? Was this whole Snooper Force thing from you? :'''Hugh:''' Malcolm, I talked to the PM and this is completely kosher as far as he's concerned. You know, he gave the go-ahead and he said, you know, bounce the Treasury. :'''Malcolm:''' Don't you realise? We have got 17 different issues we are fighting with the Treasury about. :'''Hugh:''' I can hear that you are, as usual, upset. :'''Malcolm:''' I'll tell you why I'm upset. I'm upset because these fucking morons over at [[wikipedia:HM_Treasury|the Treasury]], these people, they are so paranoid. If you don't tell them about stuff like this, if you don't even cc them an email, they think you've started a palace coup! :'''Hugh:''' Mal– Malcolm – :'''Malcolm:''' You don't seem to understand that I'm gonna have to mop up a fucking hurricane of piss here from all of these neurotics! What did the Prime Minister ''actually'' say to you? :'''Hugh:''' He actually said, 'This is exactly the kind of thing we should be doing.' :'''Malcolm:''' ''What did he actually say?'' :'''Hugh:''' He said, 'This is exactly the sort of thing we should be doing.' :'''Malcolm:''' 'Should' be doing. 'Should' does not mean 'yes'. Now, there's only one thing to do here, and it's what I'm going to tell you to do. Kill it. :'''Hugh:''' I can't -- I can't kill it! I'm on my way to make the announcement! There's gonna be television cameras there and everything! :'''Malcolm:''' Well, fuck the television cameras! Think of something else to say! But just don't mention the bloody [[wikipedia:The_New_Avengers|New Avengers]] or the Snooper Force, or whatever the fuck you call it. :'''Hugh:''' Scam Busters? :'''Malcolm:''' Get rid of it. I don't wanna hear about it again. Bye. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Glenn is on the phone with Terri, telling her about a change in the Snooper Force story.)'' :'''Glenn:''' So the line is -- and call every news desk -- that the Snooper Force story is that it was led out by, quote, "a disgruntled civil servant," unquote. OK? :'''Terri:''' ''(privately annoyed)'' OK, great. :'''Glenn:''' And Terri? :'''Terri:''' Hmmm? :'''Glenn:''' You can drop that tone, all right? :'''Terri:''' What tone? :'''Glenn:''' The "I knew better all along" tone, yeah? It isn't fucking appreciated right now. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Ollie is in the car with Glenn & Hugh, and the three of them are discussing policy ideas while traveling.)'' :'''Hugh:''' All right. So...what the hell am I gonna say is the reason for me summoning all the nation's major news organisations to a school in Wiltshire? :'''Ollie:''' So you want something sexy and eye-catching, and that is free and universally popular and instantly applicable, no one can possibly object to it. :'''Glenn:''' Yep. :'''Ollie:''' Right. :'''Hugh:''' Yes. :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Well, really, you should've said something before, Glenn, because I've got a file about that fucking thick of that back in the office. Absolutely huge. Those sorts of policies are ten a penny. :'''Glenn:''' ''(getting mad)'' Ollie! :'''Ollie:''' Our entire manifesto is more or less made up of... :'''Glenn:''' ''(settling down)'' You know, it really doesn't help when you get cynical. You should think of this as an opportunity. :'''Ollie:''' It's not that easy to come up with ''[[wikipedia:Das Kapital|Das Kapital]]'' in the back of a cab, Glenn. :'''Hugh:''' ''(intervening)'' Ollie. :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh, handing him an electric razor)'' Here, shave. :''(As Hugh shaves his face, everybody settles down and gets back to the task at hand.)'' :'''Glenn:''' What we need is something that the public want, is incredibly popular and is free. :'''Ollie:''' Return of capital punishment. :'''Hugh:''' ''(unimpressed)'' That's a joke, right? You are joking, yes, obviously? Come on, Ollie, come up with something. :'''Ollie:''' National spare room database. :''(Nobody has any ideas yet -- UNTIL...)'' :'''Hugh:''' What about zoos? My kids went to a zoo, you know, the other day and they said-they said it was fucking disgusting. You know, the state of it. ''(beat)'' That's shit, isn't it? :'''Glenn:''' ''(nodding)'' No...but there is an idea there, because in the middle of the city, you've got wild animals. :'''Ollie:''' Pet ASBOs? Do you remember that? ASBOs for pets? :'''Hugh:''' Well, you see, that sounds potentially ludicrous. But then pet passports, I mean, that was a...that was a goer. :'''Glenn:''' What if everybody had to carry a plastic bag? By law? You know, the identification cards are coming in... :'''Hugh:''' ''(appalled)'' You've fucking cracked! Are you mad? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ollie:''' What if the announcement is...there's no big announcement. :'''Hugh:''' Oh, for goodness... :'''Ollie:''' No, no, wait. Right? We say, "The Department of Social Affairs has been doing amazing work, bread-and-butter work, belt-and-braces work, the kind of work that you people aren't interested in 'cos it's not shiny, shiny, media-friendly stuff. You are so obsessed with how things play in the media, you sickos, that every time we try and do, you know, just carry on with our day, you don't show up. So we have to call a big, you know, thing like this." :'''Hugh:''' On target, under budget. :'''Ollie:''' Coalface politics. :'''Hugh:''' Absolutely. Yes, I like that. :'''Glenn:''' Not wasting resources. :'''Hugh:''' Good. Let's do that. :'''Glenn:''' Let's go for that. :'''Hugh:''' We ''trick'' them. We ''trick'' them. Tinselly thing and they come along and then we say, "Ah-ha, that's what we've been doing, we've been doing our fucking jobs!" ''(beat)'' Yes, they never print that stuff, do they? :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, yeah, and you've come all this way, we've got you two hours out of London to come and cover this. :'''Hugh:''' You mugs! You mugs! :'''Ollie:''' But you know what? You've got a bigger story here than you have chasing your tinsel. :'''Hugh:''' Yeah, which is you live in a country which is properly -- There's not many countries can say that. :'''Glenn:''' And we've probably got 10,000,000 we can throw at it. :'''Hugh:''' Yes. That's good, that, because it sounds like a lot, doesn't it? <hr width="50%"/> :''(Hugh, Glenn and Ollie are at the school, preparing for Hugh's big speech.)'' :'''Ollie:''' I've got a thing here that says "springy concrete." I don't know, I think that's about the playground thing, but I don't... :'''Glenn:''' Springy concrete? :'''Hugh:''' ''(practicing his speech)'' Good afternoon...Should I say "Hello, boys and girls?" :'''Glenn:''' Yes, very nice. :'''Hugh:''' Like a fucking panto dame. :'''Ollie:''' He's gonna look ridiculous on the six o'clock news saying, "Hello, boys and girls." :'''Glenn:''' He's talking to the audience in front of him. :'''Hugh:''' ''(practicing)'' Real money for real families. ''(asking Glenn and Ollie)'' Real families or real people? :'''Glenn:''' Families. :'''Ollie:''' People. Real people. :'''Glenn:''' You see? Don't -- Families. :'''Ollie:''' Families sounds exclusive. It sounds kinda back to basics, it sounds [[wikipedia:John Major|John Major]]. :'''Glenn:''' People sounds Communist. :'''Ollie:''' It doesn't sound Communist. :'''Hugh:''' I'll say families. :'''Glenn:''' Thank you, Hugh. :'''Ollie:''' Say families of people. :''(A schools-woman approaches the room.)'' :'''Schools-woman:''' Mr. Abbot. :'''Glenn:''' Great. You're on. Here we go. :'''Hugh:''' Thank you. :'''Glenn:''' It's what you do best, mate. :'''Hugh:''' Yep. ''(to the schools-woman)'' This is lovely. Very nice indeed. <hr width="50%"/> :''(But a short time later...Hugh's speech bombed.)'' :'''Hugh:''' Well, that was a fucking disaster. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Surprisingly, Hugh's press conference was so boring that it was a success! Hugh and Glenn are celebrating at the office.)'' :'''Glenn:''' Well, you really pulled it round, mate. :'''Hugh:''' I took the flak, you supplied the flak jacket. :'''Glenn:''' Yeah, and the bullets bounced off. :'''Hugh:''' This is what it's all about, Glenn. :'''Glenn:''' Yeah. :'''Hugh:''' This is what it's -- All those years at the coalface, hanging in there, taking all the shit, all the bullshit. :'''Glenn:''' When you are Senior Cabinet Minister, then we'll show them. :'''Hugh:''' Yeah, and Snooper Force? Bollocks, we'll get rid of that. :'''Glenn:''' Aw, for fuck's sake, yeah. Fiddling while Rome burns. :'''Hugh:''' Fucking right. We'll kick some arse. We'll kick some butt! Kick some butt! :'''Glenn:''' That's what we're in it for, mate! Tell them all the shit that we do. :''(Glenn sees Malcolm standing behind Hugh, but Hugh is blissfully unaware.)'' :'''Hugh:''' It's a means to an end, mate. :''(Hugh then sees Malcolm right behind him.)'' :'''Hugh:''' Fuck me, Malcolm. How do you do that? :'''Malcolm:''' Can I have a word with you? :''(Glenn, who had earlier slammed doors in Ollie's and Terri's faces, finds a door being slammed in his face.)'' <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm wants to discuss Hugh's speech at the school.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(sighing heavily)'' I'm hacked off, mate. :'''Hugh:''' ''(stuttering)'' But we-we-we killed-we killed it. It's-it's-it's-it's killed. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, but once you start the fire...And we didn't start the fire. It was always burning since the world's been turning, et cetera, et cetera. :'''Hugh:''' S-Sorry, Malcolm, you're not making any sense. :'''Malcolm:''' Prime Minister, obviously, he's, uh, on the plane in Stockholm, and somebody hits him with ''The World At One.'' He thinks it's the Treasury trying to stiff him one, so he, um... ''(Malcolm takes a long pause)'' He stuck with the story. :'''Hugh:''' He liked it? :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, he's backing the Snooper Force. :'''Hugh:''' ''(smiling)'' Oh, right. ''(beat)'' We shouldn't really then have, I mean, ''you'' shouldn't really have, uh, told us to, uh...Should you? ''(chuckles)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(unamused)'' Don't should me, Hugh. 'Cos I'll should you right back. I'll should you right through that window. None of this ''should'' be happening, SHOULD it? ''SHOULD IT?'' ''SHOULD IT?'' :'''Hugh:''' Is that should in the...sense of yes, or...? :'''Malcolm:''' It's should in the sense of "You should do as you're fucking told." :'''Hugh:''' What, um...What are we gonna do now? :'''Malcolm:''' You're gonna completely reverse your position. :'''Hugh:''' Hang on-hang on-hang on a second. Hang-Malcolm, it's-it's not actually that, um – I mean, that's gonna be quite hard, really. :'''Malcolm:''' Yes, well the announcement that you didn't make today, you did. :'''Hugh:''' No, no, I didn't, ''and'' there were television cameras there while I was not doing it. :'''Malcolm:''' Fuck them. :'''Hugh:''' I'm not quite sure h– what level of reality I'm supposed to be operating on. :'''Malcolm:''' Look, this is what they run with. I tell them that you said it, they believe that you said it. They don't really believe you said it, they ''know'' that you never said it. :'''Hugh:''' Right. :'''Malcolm:''' But it's in their interests to say that you said it. Because if they don't say that you said it, they're not gonna get what you say tomorrow or the next day, when I decide to tell them what it is you're saying. :'''Hugh:''' Yeah, I-I am following this. I just... :'''Malcolm:''' I had a friend who used to indulge in extramarital affairs, OK? He would go off and he'd have some dalliance, and every Monday he'd come back and he'd meet his wife. And he told me that all he did was inside his head turn a little switch. The affair never happened. OK? :'''Hugh:''' Right. :'''Malcolm:''' There's not a prob -- I don't -- What is the problem with this? :'''Hugh:''' The problem with it...First of all, I -- I didn't get much dalliance. :'''Malcolm:''' Get it into your head. Rewind today into your head. :'''Hugh:''' OK, stop explaining it to me! :'''Malcolm:''' I have to fucking explain it to you, man. You haven't been here long enough. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Ollie is in an office arguing with his ex-girlfriend, Angela Heaney...who's also a news journalist.)'' :'''Ollie:''' I'm really glad you came in, Angela. :'''Angela Heaney:''' Well, I could lose my job, Ollie. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah... :'''Angela:''' Because I went all hot and heavy to the news desk with three directly contradictory stories in one day. :'''Ollie:''' I know, :'''Angela:''' They gave me flip-flops. You know? Someone actually went out and bought me flip-flops to give me. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah. You've gotta give them credit for that, that is quite funny. :'''Angela:''' Yeah. And they pasted onto them...a fucking porn picture of a girl sucking a big cock and they wrote, "Angela Heaney swallows anything." :'''Ollie:''' That is less funny. Obviously, that's actually quite offensive. :'''Angela:''' Can you give me one good reason why I shouldn't do a big story on the, you know, the day of spin? :'''Ollie:''' Wh-Why? What sort of story? ''(Ollie starts stammering and struggling to defend himself...)'' :'''Angela:''' Inside story of a government department out of control. With diagrams and maybe a flow chart with your face and name on it. And Glenn's and Hugh's and big arrows showing who spoke to who and how you all ''fucked it up!'' Yeah, I think I could write that one up myself, Ollie. I think I could do the punctuation on ''that'' one! :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, I-I'm sorry. Okay, I was patronis... :''(Suddenly, Malcolm comes into the office.)'' :'''Malcolm''': Hey. Hi, Angela. Oh, I like the hair, nice little corkscrews. How's it going? :'''Ollie''': Yeah, er, fine. Um, we were just, er, talking about why Angela shouldn't do a big story on the big insidery piece, kinda day of spin, sort of spread in the paper... :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Oh, I don't know. ''(to Angela)'' Maybe you should! Good idea. :''(Malcolm leaves -- then comes back.)'' :'''Malcolm''': Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute. I know why she shouldn't. Because, you know, if she did that, she'd be dead. To me, to this department, to the government. And she'll never get another story, or a fucking whiff of a story as long as she kept her sorry, hack bitch face lingering around Westminster, because I would call every editor I know - which, obviously, that's all of them - and I'd tell them to gouge her name out of their address books so she'd never even get a job on hospital radio ''where the sad sack belongs.'' That's what I'd tell her. ''(to Ollie)'' But maybe you should do it. See you later. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah. ''(to Angela)'' He's actually...He can be really nice. It's been a very long day. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hugh:''' I want a new driver. Get me a new driver. I don't want to see this guy ever again. :'''Glenn:''' On what grounds? :'''Hugh:''' Smiling. Inappropriate smiling. And smirking. Smiling and smirking. I don't want to see that smile or smirk ever again. OK? Thank you. ''(Hugh turns to the driver)'' OK, thank you very much. :'''Driver:''' Which way do you want to go? :'''Hugh:''' I don't care, you're the boss. ==Series 1, Episode 2== :''(This is the opening scene of the episode.)'' :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' You're late. And you look like shit. :'''Hugh:''' I know both of those things already. [[wikipedia:Margaret Thatcher|Margaret Thatcher]] used to survive on less than four hours' sleep a night. How is that possible? :'''Glenn:''' Monkey glands. She was mad. Mad people have different needs. :'''Hugh:''' And she lived above the shop, so she didn't have to commute. God, London is so big. Can't we devolve some of it? If I could get just one decent night's shut-eye... :'''Glenn:''' Well, Hugh, do yourself a favor. Stay over in the flat. :'''Hugh:''' I can't break my promise to Kate. :'''Glenn:''' I mean, do you actually get to see the children? :'''Hugh:''' Glenn, I don't have time for that. All I do... I work, I eat, I shower. That's it. Occasionally... I take a dump, just as a sort of treat. I mean, that really is my treat. That's what it's come to. I sit there and I think, "No, I'm not going to read the [[wikipedia:New_Statesman|''New Statesman'']]. This time is just for me. This is quality time just for me." Is that normal? :'''Glenn''': It's sad. :'''Hugh''': Well at least I've made something. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm and Hugh are on the phone, discussing an article by Simon Hewitt.)'' :'''Hugh:''' Hello, Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' Have you got Simon Hewitt's piece in front of you? :'''Hugh:''' I haven't been quite through it, erm, yet. :'''Malcolm:''' Have you got to the bit where he calls ''you'' out of your depth? :'''Hugh:''' No, at the moment he's calling me 'the political equivalent of the house wine at a suburban Indian restaurant'. That's not very good, is it? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hugh:''' So, how do we respond to this? :'''Terri:''' Right, we don't exchange insults with bloody Simon arsepipes titty-twat. :'''Ollie:''' Is that honestly the best swearing that you can come up with? :'''Glenn:''' This is a bucket of shit: if someone throws shit at us, we throw shit back at them, we start a shit fight. We throw so much shit back at them that they can't pick up shit, they can't throw shit, they can't do shit. :'''Terri:''' Mm. :'''Hugh:''' That's top swearing, Glenn, well done. :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Terri)'' Watch and learn. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hugh:''' ''(thinking of policy ideas)'' Shut up for a minute, please. Where else can we go? Pollution, the environment. Litter. Dog shit. :'''Ollie:''' Aiming high. :'''Hugh:''' We aimed high, now we're at dog shit. :'''Ollie:''' So what you're looking for – :'''Malcolm:''' ''(entering the room)'' OK, this is what we're doing. I'm putting it about through a number of cronies – :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Morning, Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' – that Hewitt's piece was a packet of bollocks; he did it as a favour to Cliff. :'''Ollie:''' Cliff being – :'''Glenn:''' Cliff Lawton. :'''Ollie:''' Oh right. :'''Malcolm:''' Hugh's predecessor. He and Hewitt are as tight as arse cheeks. :'''Hugh:''' Are they now? :'''Malcolm:''' Fuck knows, but that's what we're saying, OK? It's personal, it's backslapping, it's borderline homoerotic, and you are an innocent victim of a nasty media stitch-up. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Hugh has just asked Terri which policy idea she prefers: Glenn's or Ollie's?)'' :'''Terri:''' It's not my role to have a preference. I sell the apples. If you want me to sell the apples, I'll sell the apples. And if you want me to sell the oranges, then I'll go and tell people the apples? "The apples are shit, Ollie. They're shit." I'll say, "Go on! Check out our oranges!" <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' And you're against it? :'''Glenn:''' It'll die on its arse! 'My grandma was mugged by some ferret-faced teenager with a neck tattoo, what are you gonna do about it?' 'Teach him to play the bassoon.' It is, as my dear old mother would have said, double wank and shit chips.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Glenn:''' Well, my guts still say no. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well substantial as they are, they've been outvoted.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Hugh:''' Malcolm, I know you were very keen on Terri's appointment but, um – :'''Malcolm:''' She's shit. :'''Hugh:''' Well, I wouldn't go that far. :'''Malcolm:''' She's a box-ticker, Hugh. She can't think outside the box. :'''Hugh:''' No, in fact she's built a box inside the actual box and she's doing her thinking inside that box. :'''Malcolm:''' Exactly, I like that. :'''Hugh:''' I'm sorry, I'm so tired, Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' No, that's good. :'''Hugh:''' I have so much stuff to read and think about. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Terri''': Anyway, these focus groups, they're absolutely useless. :'''Ollie''': Oh, so it's useless to ask people what they think, is it? It's useless to ask people's opinions before we formulate a policy? It's useless?! :'''Glenn''': Look, there's no point in asking people what they think. They either don't know what they think or they think that you should bring back hanging for traffic wardens. Or they just think what every right-minded thinking person would think, and that's just common sense! :'''Ollie''': Oh, yeah yeah yeah, oh yeah, ''"I'm Geoff Average, and I think the same as everybody else cos I'm Mr Average Normal Bloke and everybody thinks like me cos I work in IT, and on the weekends I pop a few pills and do a bit of DJ-ing, y'know, spare cash cos I'm a single mum and I'm a member of the [[wikipedia:National_Trust_for_Places_of_Historic_Interest_or_Natural_Beauty|National Trust]], I enjoy any sports on TV, anything with Colin Firth, I enjoy domestic violence and sun-dried fucking...karaoke."'' Not everybody is the same, Glenn! People can surprise you! :'''Glenn:''' Was that good-natured joshing? <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm is still working late at night in his office, eating a piece of fruit, when his cell phone rings.) :'''Malcolm:''' ''(answering the call)'' Tucker. :'''Simon Hewitt:''' Malcolm, uh...hope I didn't wake you up. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(spitting)'' Hewitt. :'''Simon:''' Yeah, I'm doing a piece this Sunday, a big piece on focus groups. It's sort of inspired by your latest policy disaster. I'm gonna be concentrating on how your man Abbot can't do a single thing without focus groups. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(clearly unmoved)'' I'm shaking with fear. :'''Simon:''' Yeah, well, that's sexual jealousy. :'''Malcolm:''' You're so very very witty. Pity none of it ever makes it into your columns. :'''Simon:''' Listen, I'd love to spend the rest of the evening listening to you, but I've got better things to do. :'''Malcolm:''' Fuck off back to your match reports, you twat! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hugh:''' How fucked am I? :'''Ollie:''' Well, you look awful, you look terrible. I mean, you often look quite bad, but... :'''Hugh:''' I mean, in terms of negative publicity. On the fuckometer, where am I? :'''Glenn:''' Oh, 12. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah. 12, say. :'''Hugh:''' Out of what? :'''Glenn:''' Er... 50. :'''Ollie:''' Oh. Mine was out of ten. :'''Hugh:''' Right, ''(to Glenn)'' so I'm 24% fucked according to you, ''(to Ollie)'' but according to you I'm 120% fucked? :'''Ollie:''' Um, yeah, I didn't... :''(But before Ollie can finish his thought, Terri enters the office.)'' :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Terri)'' Terri, have you got anything for us? :'''Terri:''' Well, I can't ask them to drop the piece. It would make us look pathetic. :'''Hugh:''' Terri, I don't mean to come across all Mr. Gradgrind, but this is your job, isn't it? Sorting out the press? This is what you do for a living? :'''Terri:''' This is Malcolm's problem, anyway. He's the one who took it over. It's him that spun that... :''(Before Terri can finish her point, Malcolm enters the room and takes charge.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' All right, listen up, this is what we're gonna do. I'm bringing forward Hugh's interview with Angela to this afternoon. :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Morning, Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' It goes out as a spoiler tomorrow morning. That way, we can get our side of the story across and also piss all over Simon Hewitt's corn flakes, sadly only metaphorically, yeah? Right, okay. Ollie, call Heaney. Terri, get on to her editor. Glenn, book her room. [[wikipedia:The_Professionals_(TV_series)|Bodie, Doyle, you go round the back]]. :''(The other 4 are confused by Malcolm.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' At times of stress, I make jokes! :''(Glenn, Terri and Ollie go about their business.)'' :'''Hugh:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Right, um...What do I do? :'''Malcolm:''' Sit down in front of the TV with me. You're gonna watch that Zeitgeist tape now. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm and Hugh are in Hugh's office watching The Bill on tape. Hugh is sort of dozing off to sleep, when all of a sudden...he wakes up to see Mary, the Focus Group Superstar, in the show!)'' :'''Hugh:''' Oh, shit. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, I know, but people watch it. This gets 6,000,000. :'''Hugh:''' Oh, shit. :'''Malcolm:''' What? :'''Hugh:''' She's an actress. :'''Malcolm:''' Who? :'''Hugh:''' Mary, from the focus group, she's an actress. :'''Malcolm:''' Oh, relax, that doesn't matter. These focus groups, they do it all the time. If they're a bit short on numbers, they bung in a couple of actors. It doesn't matter because it's a focus group - key word, "group." :''(Hugh's trying to find a solution to his problem...)'' :'''Hugh:''' Ooh, I've just remembered. Um...can you just... :'''Malcolm:''' Should I pause it? :'''Hugh:''' If you could pause it for a second, I'll be...I'm sorry, I'll just be back in a sec. :''(Hugh rushes to get help from Glenn. Hugh has to whisper to Glenn so Malcolm doesn't hear anything.)'' :'''Hugh:''' Glenn? :'''Glenn:''' What? :'''Hugh:''' I've got a bit of a problem. You remember Mary from the focus group? :'''Glenn:''' What, Miss, uh, Immaculate Bloody Conception? :'''Hugh:''' She's an actress. :'''Glenn:''' What do you mean? :'''Hugh:''' Well, I mean she's – No, there's no clearer way of saying it, she's an actress. :'''Glenn:''' Are you sure? :'''Hugh:''' I've just seen her, she's in ''[[wikipedia:The_Bill|The fucking Bill]]''! :'''Glenn:''' Oh, Jesus! Look, this doesn't necessarily have to be a total fucking disaster. :'''Hugh:''' Oh, I think it does, because she wasn't for real, she's not really, uh, a stay-at-home [[wikipedia:Middle_England|Middle England]] housewife, she-she's just playing a part, so what she said wasn't, you know – :''(Hugh and Glenn walk past Terri, who is on the phone.)'' :'''Glenn:''' Yes. Yeah, I do know. :'''Terri:''' What, who said what wasn't what? :'''Hugh:''' ''(whispering to Terri)'' We are organising focus groups to listen to the opinions of ordinary people, except they're ''not'' ordinary people! They're fucking actors, so they're not technically people at all! :''(Glenn and Hugh go to Ollie's desk.)'' :'''Terri:''' ''(on the phone)'' Can I get back to you? :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' What is it? :'''Glenn:''' Your fucking legend is a fucking actress! :'''Ollie:''' Well, 'cause the focus group companies do it all the time. If they can't cobble together, you know, the right cross-section, they call a casting agency – :'''Glenn:''' Dial-an-opinion, is it? 'Send me three liberals, two fucking mavericks and a racist.' Brilliant, Ollie! Brilliant! :'''Hugh:''' ''(whispering)'' We've based the whole thing on her! Just her! Her alone! :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Don't you see? Why didn't you run it past me for once? :''(Hugh storms off towards a nearby cupboard.)'' :'''Hugh:''' ''(still whispering)'' Shit! Shit! :''(Glenn, Ollie and Terri continue whispering argumentatively.)'' :'''Glenn:''' It's not real! :'''Terri:''' I thought I recognized her. You know, she was in ''[[wikipedia:Midsomer Murders|Midsomer Murders]]''. :'''Glenn:''' Why didn't you say anything? :'''Terri:''' I saw her in ''Midsomer Murders''. I thought she might've had a twin or something. :'''Glenn:''' What a stupid thing to... :''(While Glenn, Terri and Ollie continue arguing, Hugh sulks silently in the cupboard.)'' :'''Hugh:''' Fuck! Fuck! :''(But as soon as Hugh starts banging things and making noise, somebody opens the cupboard door: It's Malcolm...and he's not happy.)'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' You said 'she.' :'''Hugh:''' Yes. :'''Malcolm:''' Come out of the cupboard, Hugh. :'''Hugh:''' No. :''(Malcolm enters the cupboard.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Hugh, we have to sort this out. When I asked you about the focus group – :'''Hugh:''' Yeah. :'''Malcolm:''' – you said 'she' loved it. :'''Hugh:''' We gave her a one-on-one. :'''Malcolm:''' Why? :'''Hugh:''' She's Middle England. :'''Malcolm:''' So Middle England is a big fucking field, with ''one woman'' standing in it? :'''Hugh:''' Do you think Hewitt will find out? :'''Malcolm:''' OF COURSE HE FUCKING WILL, SHE'S HIS MOLE! THAT'S WHY HE'S GOT A PIECE IN THE PAPER TOMORROW! :''(Malcolm leaves the cupboard, with Hugh right behind him.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Glenn, Ollie, Terri and Hugh)'' We've got to shut this down now, right? I want this leaked to Angela Heaney. It's damage control, OK? We put out the story the way ''we'' want it, before Hewitt fucks us up the bugle! Get onto it, now! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Hugh, Glenn and Ollie are trying to defend themselves. Terri's on the phone trying to contact Angela Heaney.)'' :'''Hugh:''' I didn't know that she's an actress! :'''Glenn:''' No, exactly! We, we've been lied to! We've been abused! We are the victims of abuse! :'''Terri:''' ''(holding the phone)'' Ollie? :'''Ollie:''' Shut up! :'''Terri:''' Can you call her? :'''Ollie:''' Yes, I'll call her! :''(Malcolm re-enters the picture.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Hugh)'' How could I know you are a broken vase? :'''Hugh:''' What the fuck are you talking about? :'''Malcolm:''' You're a broken vase! :'''Hugh:''' How do I know she's an actress? I never watch television! That's why you have to give me a stupid tape! :''(Hugh comes up with a plan...)'' :'''Hugh:''' Listen, we're gonna get her in, we're gonna talk to her, she'll meet us...I will talk to her because I'm good with people. She can help us, she'll see our point of view, we'll be fine. :'''Malcolm:''' Well, I hope so. I hope that's what gonna happen. :'''Ollie:''' Or we kill her. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Later that night, Malcolm, Hugh, Glenn and Ollie are talking to Mary. They're discussing what's going to happen because of her being an actress in a focus group.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Mary)'' Do you just want to think about what is going to happen tomorrow? :'''Hugh:''' Because tomorrow, you are gonna find the press all over you – :'''Mary:''' In a good way? :'''Hugh:''' No, not in a good way at all, I can tell you – :'''Malcolm:''' You know that film ''[[Notting Hill]]'', have you seen that? :'''Glenn:''' She's probably fucking in it. :'''Malcolm:''' You know that bit where the guy opens the door – :'''Mary:''' What is this? :'''Malcolm:''' – and there's like millions of journalists and hacks and photographers and all flashbulbs are going off? In about four hours time, that's gonna be you, darling: they're gonna be all over you like fucking cockroaches. :'''Hugh''' ''(trying to comfort Mary)'': It's OK, it's OK. :'''Malcolm:''' No no no no no no no no, it's NOT OK! It's not gonna be OK, and I'll tell you why: Because you're fair game. So I hope your knickers are clean. Because every seat-sniffing little shitbag that's ever filed a byline is gonna be questioning you. 'Cause now, it's in the fucking public interest, isn't it? And they're gonna hit you with any shit they can find and you're gonna be spread out there in front of them like a trollop in the [[wikipedia:Stocks|stocks]]! :'''Mary:''' I still don't really understand what's going on. :'''Malcolm:''' We can hold those dogs back, right? :'''Mary:''' What do you mean? :'''Malcolm:''' We can get you a nice journalist, yeah? :'''Glenn:''' Yes, exactly. :'''Malcolm:''' We can get you a nice young journalist, Angela Heaney...and maybe you...maybe you, I mean I don't know what shit that he made you sign, but whatever it was, it was bullshit. Maybe if you just say that, you know, uh, you were misquoted and also that Simon Hewitt's a prick, right? If you just said that... :'''Mary:''' Who? :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, the journalist that you told your story to. :'''Mary:''' I, I didn't...I didn't talk to any journalist. :'''Malcolm:''' You spoke to Simon Hewitt. :'''Mary:''' No, I... :'''Malcolm:''' You fucking spoke to Simon Hewitt, he's a fat guy with a tiny little dick the size of a bookie's biro. You fucking spoke to him. :'''Mary:''' ''(getting mad)'' I'd like to go now! :''(Now, ALL the guys are shouting!)'' :'''Glenn:''' Did you speak to Simon Hewitt? :'''Mary:''' No! I don't even know... :'''Hugh:''' You didn't speak to him. :'''Malcolm:''' She didn't fucking speak to him. :''(The guys are starting to realize that Mary's telling the truth.)'' :'''Mary:''' I don't know anyone called...Simon...whatever the fuck. :''(Malcolm starts yelling under his breath.)'' :'''Ollie:''' Hewitt. :'''Mary:''' Hewitt, yeah. :'''Glenn:''' She doesn't even know! ''(to Malcolm)'' Malcolm...Fuck's sake! :'''Mary:''' ''(talking about Malcolm)'' What's the matter with him? :'''Glenn:''' Ollie. ''(Glenn's motioning to Ollie to take Mary out of the room.)'' :'''Hugh:''' ''(to Mary)'' Sorry for anything I said that might have upset you. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(trying to apologize to Mary)'' Sorry, darling. Sorry, love. Just been crossed lines, darling. Sorry about that... :'''Mary:''' Will you leave me alone? :''(Ollie escorts Mary, who's understandably upset, out of the room.)'' <hr width="50%" /> :'''Malcolm:''' '''''FOR FUCK'S SAKE!''''' :'''Glenn:''' She didn't even know! :'''Malcolm:''' Fuck him! :'''Hugh:''' That didn't really work, did it? :'''Glenn:''' Is it too late... :'''Hugh:''' ''(confused and stunned)'' So can I just get this, this straight, just for my, just for my own sanity... :'''Glenn:''' Listen, if we get on the phone, can we pull the front page? :'''Hugh:''' No. It's too late. :'''Glenn:''' You mean Heaney's piece is gonna go ahead anyway now? :'''Malcolm:''' Of course it's gonna fucking go ahead! I mean, I'm good but I can't fucking hold back the tide, can I? Alright, that's it. That's it. I'm going to bed. :'''Hugh:''' Kind of ironic, really... :'''Malcolm:''' You're fucking on your own! ''(Malcolm angrily leaves, slamming the door.)'' :'''Hugh:''' ...because she, she hasn't actually spoken to, to Hewitt, uh...and we've, of our own volition, voluntarily released the story to the, to the press...unnecessarily. Um...Damn. <hr width="50%" /> :'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Can you wake me in a couple of hours? ''(Hugh lies down on a sofa)'' There's no time to go home, I'll just pass myself coming back in. ==Series 1, Episode 3== :'''Terri:''' Did you say we were gonna do a press release? :'''Hugh:''' Yes, erm, "Following a successful report stage debate, Secretary of State for Social Affairs, Hugh Abbot, today announced: 'I'm the fucking daddy!'"<hr width="50%" /> :'''Dan Miller:''' How are you, Glenn? :'''Glenn:''' I'm good, thank you – Actually, I just thought you were very heavy-handed with the backbenchers. No need for it in this day and age. :'''Dan Miller:''' Listen, Glenn. I mean, you know as well as I do, if you're going to make an omelette, you're going to have to have some frank and honest discussion with the eggs. And that's all I was doing. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm is in his office on his desk phone, trying to explain himself to a fellow government official.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' I'm not complacent, Tom. ''(beat)'' Yeah, I know we did take a hit over the-the-the focus group thing, but it wasn't a ''big'' hit. ''(beat)'' Oh yeah? Says who? ''(beat)'' Oh, the prime minister told you that, huh? Well, get you. ''(beat)'' Look, I can only cook with what I've been given. You know, it's like ''[[wikipedia:Ready Steady Cook|Ready Steady Cook]].'' You give me Hugh Abbot, I'll give you bangers and mash. But if you give me Gerry from the Home Office, well then, I can raise it to fucking risotto and scallops. Do you know what I mean? ''(beat)'' Yeah yeah yeah. Ok, ok. Ok, bye. <hr width="50%"/> :''(looking at Hugh's tie)'' :'''Glenn:''' What are those? They're little hippos, aren't they? :'''Hugh:''' I don't know what they are actually; I think they're just unidentified amusing creatures. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hugh:''' So what time does this ''[[w:Daily Mail|Daily Mail]]'' hack get here? :'''Glenn:''' Ten minutes, it's Angela Heaney, didn't I tell you? :'''Hugh:''' So she left the ''[[w:Evening Standard|Standard]]''? :'''Glenn:''' That's right, absolutely. :'''Hugh:''' Go on then: ask me some questions. :'''Glenn:''' Right, OK, I'll be Angela Heaney, and I'll ask you some questions. :'''Hugh:''' My God, that's uncanny. Mind you, your tits are a bit bigger than hers. :'''Glenn:''' Is it true that, although this Housing Bill went through Parliament with incredible ease – :'''Hugh:''' Actually, can you just do it as yourself? Sorry, it's just slightly unsettling. :'''Glenn:''' Right, erm – that you'll find a lot of difficulty in the real world? :'''Hugh:''' On the contrary, this Bill is going to do an extraordinary amount of good for an extraordinarily large number of people. Ordinary people, but ordinary people who ''deserve'' a little bit of the extraordinary in their lives. :''(both start giggling)'' :'''Glenn:''' Perfect. That's brilliant. That's brilliant! :'''Hugh:''' It's a piece of piss. :'''Glenn:''' There you are, you see. :'''Hugh:''' Go on, ask me something hard. :'''Glenn:''' Where's the [[w:Nazi gold|Nazi gold]], you donkey-shagger? :'''Hugh:''' I'm very pleased you asked me that, Angela, because let me just say right away that this Bill is going to do an extraordinary amount of good for an extraordinarily large – <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm''' ''(in his office, on his mobile)'': Hi Tom, what can I do for you? ''(beat)'' Well, I-I didn't know what he was doing with his flat – I told him that fucking flat w– Well, they're not running with this – No, well, I know, he's got-he's got an interview now with that-that-that Angela Heaney, you know, the twat bubble from the ''Standard'' – Fuck, she's just gone to the ''Mail''. I'm onto it. ''(Malcolm hangs up and leaves his office.)'' <hr width="50%"/> :''(After a LOT of running, Malcolm finally arrives at the floor where Hugh is talking to Angela Heaney.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' WHERE THE FUCK IS HE??? :'''Ollie:''' He's in the goldfish bowl! :'''Malcolm:''' Fuck! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Hugh is still talking to Angela.)'' :'''Hugh:''' No, no. Look, I'm very glad you brought that up, because that -- gives me...that gives me the opportunity to...Sorry...I...''(Hugh's looking at Malcolm through the 'goldfish bowl')'' Just mucking about...Um... :'''Hugh:''' I have always maintained very clearly... :'''Malcolm:''' ''(opening the door)'' Hi, Angela. Sorry, sorry, sorry, can I just borrow the Minister for a moment? :'''Hugh:''' Sure. Sorry, be right back with you. :''(Barely audible, outside the 'goldfish bowl' where Angela was interviewing Hugh...)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Hugh)'' They're running about your fucking flat, I fucking told you about that. How the fuck did you think it was gonna run, you STUPID CUNT?! How am I supposed to control what's going on if I don't know WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON? YOU'RE A FUCKING PRICK! AN ABSOLUTE CUNT! DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT? :''(While Malcolm is still yelling at Hugh, Terri opens the door to the "Goldfish Bowl." She comes in and offers to get Angela some goodies.)'' :'''Terri:''' Angela, can I get you a fresh cup of coffee? :'''Angela:''' No, I'm fine, thanks. :'''Terri:''' Um, would you like some tea? :'''Angela:''' Nope, nope. :'''Terri:''' No biscuits or anything? :'''Angela:''' No. :'''Terri:''' Do let me know if you need anything else. :'''Angela:''' I will. Thanks very much. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Hugh)'' GET BACK IN THERE AND WRAP THIS BULLSHIT UP! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Hugh re-enters the 'goldfish bowl'...) :'''Hugh:''' Ah. Hah! Bit of a disagreement. :'''Angela:''' Blimey. :'''Hugh:''' Yeah. Um, could you...I'm just curious, could you hear? Because we were actually...We can be quite brutal to each other, because we're actually very, very good, good friends. :'''Angela:''' Right. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Moments later, Malcolm is in Hugh's office, arguing with Glenn and Ollie over the scandal involving Hugh and his flat.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Glenn)'' You haven't been accepting ''any'' offers? :'''Glenn:''' NO! :'''Malcolm:''' Jesus... :'''Glenn:''' Well, that wasn't the point! The whole deal was we put the flat on the market so if the press are asking us, we say, "Fuck off, he's selling it!" They'll go away and then, you know, Hugh's got a place in town! :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' What the fuck is your girlfriend doing hitting us with this, huh? :'''Ollie:''' Well, she's not my girlfriend, Malcolm. So I've no idea. :'''Malcolm:''' Oh, well you won't mind if I kill her then, will you? :'''Ollie:''' It'd solve a lot of issues for me, to be honest with you. :'''Malcolm:''' Hey! Hey hey hey, if you could sweet-talk that sour-faced bitch into dropping us you'd be sweet to me, you'd be very very sweet – :'''Ollie:''' If I could sweet-talk that sour-faced bitch into anything I would have had a more comfortable four months – :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah well, I'll just have to kill the both of you then, won't I? :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, well. :'''Malcolm:''' That's a joke, by the way, not a very nice one, a nasty one which masks a lot of very negative feelings about this fucking department. :''(Malcolm's cell phone rings...)'' :'''Malcolm:''' (looking at his phone)'' Oh, Jesus. Tom Davies. ''(answering)'' Tom! Hello, how are you? Yes. No no, he was already there when I got there, he was talking to her. ''(Malcolm leaves Hugh's office.)'' <hr width="50%"/> :''(Hugh re-enters the office as he and his team try to create an emergency strategy of sorts.)'' :'''Hugh:''' What is happening? :'''Ollie:''' What the hell was that? :'''Hugh:''' What is happening? That was supposed-that was supposed to be a nice interview. :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' What on Earth did you say to her? :'''Hugh:''' I think-I think I denied being a racist. I hope so. :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Hugh)'' You didn't say that you have lots of black friends, you didn't go... :'''Hugh:''' Of course not. Well, I haven't-I haven't got any. :'''Ollie:''' What did you say about the offers? :'''Hugh:''' ''(stammering)'' I-I-I said I wasn't, I wasn't...someone else was handling the sale and I wasn't aware of any offers. :'''Glenn:''' Hugh? :'''Hugh:''' Hmm? :'''Glenn:''' Did you mention me by name? :'''Hugh:''' ''(still stammering)'' Um, possibly -- No, I-I don't think -- I-I may in between denying racism, possibly have, yes. :'''Glenn:''' ''(displeased)'' Thank you. Thank you very much. Thanks a fucking bunch! :''(Terri enters the office.)'' :'''Terri:''' OK, so what's the line on this then? :'''Hugh:''' I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. What is-what is the line on this? :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh, still upset)'' I don't know! Don't look at me! :'''Hugh:''' But we need to have a line on this. :''(Malcolm re-enters the office with some surprise news.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' OK, we've got movement, we got a break. :'''Glenn:''' What? What? What? :'''Malcolm:''' The flat's sold. :'''Hugh:''' ''(in disbelief)'' ''WHAT?'' :'''Malcolm:''' To the Asian family, for 40 grand below the asking price. But that's alright. :'''Glenn:''' Jesus! :'''Hugh:''' ''WHAT IS HAPPENING?!'' :'''Terri:''' Malcolm? :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah? :'''Terri:''' We're too late. :'''Malcolm:''' What? :'''Terri:''' All the papers have got a hold of it. The ''Express'' has been making offers on it, at the asking price and also £30,000 more. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(stunned)'' Jesus... :'''Terri:''' Haven't been accepted. :'''Malcolm:''' We've got to stall. :'''Hugh:''' This is madness! I just own a flat, I haven't raped somebody! :'''Terri:''' ''(on her cell phone)'' Yeah, they're calling the scandal "Flatgate." :'''Hugh:''' ''Scandal?!'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(whispering to Terri)'' Flatgate?! :'''Glenn:''' Well, that's crap. It's a crap name for a scandal. :'''Terri:''' They should call it "Notting Hill Gate-gate." :'''Hugh:''' Can we at least stop calling it a scandal? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Terri, unamused)'' Are you joking? Are you joking now? :'''Terri:''' ''(leaving the office)'' On my way to stall. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, get stalling. :''(A moment of silence...and then...)'' :'''Hugh:''' Maybe we can just blame it all on Terri. :'''Glenn:''' That is an option, isn't it? <hr width="50%"/> :''(The next day, Hugh is in Malcolm's office...arguing about "Flatgate.")'' :'''Hugh:''' It's a flat! :'''Malcolm:''' It is a second home! In a borough with thousands of homeless people that you have kept more or less empty for ages! Have you not read your own Housing Bill, for God's sake? :'''Hugh:''' It wasn't-I only kept it empty for a little while to see my bloody family. Obviously, on reflection, I should have filled it with prostitutes and, and rent boys and crack cocaine pimp tattoo freaks. :'''Malcolm:''' Thanks to Dan Miller and his like, the Housing Bill is a success, but this is ''burying'' the whole thing! :'''Hugh:''' Well, what do you want ''me'' to do? ''Resign?'' ''(Malcolm stares at him)'' No, no! No, that is – I'm not going over this. :'''Malcolm:''' The way out of this situation is for you to – :'''Hugh:''' This is madness, Malcolm, this desire for perfection, that – I am not perfect, I am just a person, right? I need to sleep, I need to eat, occasionally I need to take a dump. So, I mean, what's next, I mean, do we put that on the evening news, on the front page? "Minister is disgusting defecation outburst". [[wikipedia:Mollie_Sugden|Mollie Sugden]] at Number 10: "Did you enjoy your shit, Mr Abbot?" They should just clone ministers, you know, so we're born at 55, with no past, and no flats, and no genitals. Just a world of robots in a sort of – It's like a futuristic film, and you'd enjoy that, wouldn't you? You'd be in your little space station surrounded by obedient androids, like that fucking brushed-aluminium Dan Miller cyber-prick! :'''Malcolm:''' It ''is'' possible to have a good resignation, you know! :'''Hugh:''' ''A good resignation?'' Oh, I'm looking forward to how you're gonna sell ''this'' to me! :'''Malcolm:''' Look, people really like it when you go just a bit early! You know, steely-jawed, faraway look in your eyes! Before they're getting to the point when they're sitting round in the pub saying "Oh, that fucker's got to go", you ''surprise'' them! "''Blimey'', he's gone, I didn't expect that! Resigned? You don't see that much anymore! Old school! Respect! I rather liked the guy! He was hounded out by the fucking press!" How about that, huh? What a way to go, yeah? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ollie:''' You know, I'm just the counter man in [[w:McDonalds|McDonald's]], I'm not that important, frankly; you're the clown running the shop, you're the one that they want to see strung up from a lamppost by his fucking wig. :'''Glenn:''' What does that make me? :'''Ollie:''' [[w:Ronald McDonald|Ronald McDonald]]. :'''Glenn:''' Well, fuck off! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' "Department of Social Affairs", Department of Fucking Shocking, Shitty, Charlatan, ''Shits!'' That's what – ''(to Ollie)'' Feet off the furniture, you [[wikipedia:Oxbridge|Oxbridge]] twat! You're no' on a [[wikipedia:Punt_(boat)#Punting_in_England|punt]] now. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hugh''' ''(to Dan Miller)'': I've missed my ideal resigning point. With every day I delay, it's another year before I can get back again. If I had resigned the day I was appointed, I'd actually be Prime Minister by now. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hugh:''' Social Affairs, what the fuck does that actually mean? You know, it's so vague. You know, 'Hello, I'm Hugh Abbot, the Minister for, I dunno, stuff'. ==Series 2, Episode 1== :''(Ollie has had sex with Emma. And he realizes the whole office knows about it -- much to his dismay.)'' :'''Ollie:''' Terri, is, uh -- ''(Ollie instead sees Robyn Murdoch.)'' Oh, hello, Robyn. Where's Terri? Is she not... :'''Robyn Murdoch:''' ''(smiling)'' Well, morning, Mr. Lover-Loverman! :'''Ollie:''' Does -- Does nobody else ever shag anybody else in Westminster? :'''Glenn:''' ''(pretending to be seductive)'' ''Hey, Horatio!'' ''(beat)'' How's it hanging? :'''Ollie:''' It's hanging fine. :'''Glenn:''' Sleeping with the opposition, I hear, hey? :'''Ollie:''' Not all of them. :'''Glenn:''' What do they do? Do they keep a tight hold on the fiscal, um, the fiscal, you know, um... :'''Ollie:''' Scrotum? What? What? :'''Glenn:''' ''(beside himself)'' Shagging the opposition. Never would have happened in my day. :'''Ollie:''' Well, she's not my opposite number, Glenn. 'Cause Levitt has gone to Shadow Defence, so she's doing Shadow Defence, so she's no longer Social Affairs, so... :'''Glenn:''' Did you manage to do some good while you were there and steal a few policy papers? :'''Ollie:''' It's hard to know why you're so unsuccessful with the opposite sex. I'll tell you what, though... :'''Glenn:''' I never fucked Terri. :'''Ollie:''' Oh, Terri. Did you not know? :'''Glenn:''' No. :'''Ollie:''' Malcolm's, um... :'''Glenn:''' Malcolm's what? :'''Ollie:''' Binned her. She's gone. :'''Glenn:''' You're jo... :''(At this moment, Hugh enters the office -- and even HE knows about Ollie's night of romance with Emma!)'' :'''Hugh:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Morning, studmuffin. Enjoy your walk on the wild side? How was your dip in the wild blue – pussy? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Glenn:''' Hugh, I have some wonderful news for you. Terri's gone. :'''Hugh:''' What? :'''Glenn:''' Terri. Terri's gone. :'''Hugh:''' What do you mean "gone?" :'''Ollie:''' Uh, yeah. A resignation bluff that went awry. :'''Hugh:''' ''(very happy)'' NO! YES! OH, RESULT! WHOO! WHOO! ALL RIGHT! COME ON! HIGH FIVE! :''(But Robyn comes into the office to deliver some sad news about Terri's father.)'' :'''Robyn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' Secretary of State, um, just to let you know, Terri's father's, uh, had a stroke. It's pretty serious, um, so she's gonna be gone quite awhile. :'''Hugh:''' ''(much more sympathetic)'' I'm...Oh dear, that's awful. I'm so sorry. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm and his second-in-command, Jamie, are having a good, lively talk while walking to Malcolm's office.)'' :'''Jamie:''' Where's Neil? :'''Malcolm:''' Leicester, poor fucker. You'd think that once you'd achieved a certain status, you might have been excused visiting Leicester, wouldn't you? :'''Jamie:''' Have you seen the whips' numbers? :'''Malcolm:''' NoMFuP. :'''Jamie:''' Eh? :'''Malcolm:''' NoMFuP, N-O-M-F-P, Not My Fucking Problem – I quite liked that, did you like that? :'''Jamie:''' Yeah, it's very good. :'''Malcolm:''' I think I'll use that quite a lot today. :'''Jamie:''' I'll use it as well. :''(Malcolm spots a journalist he's very happy with for doing a good profile on a government Minister.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to the journalist)'' OH HO HO! Well done with Fatty's profile. Very very good. I nearly liked the enormous fucker reading it. :''(Malcolm and Jamie continue their conversation.)'' :'''Jamie:''' What if the MOD breaks tonight? What I'm hearing is the overspend's getting more brutal by the hour. ''(Both men enter Malcolm's office.)'' They're talking about topping off at one-one and a half billion. Obviously, that's a lot of nurses. :'''Malcolm:''' Or one fantastically enormous robotic one, yeah? :'''Jamie:''' Obviously, yeah. :'''Malcolm:''' And how's the Minister? :'''Jamie:''' He's shitting himself. ''(laughs)'' He's practically kissing his driver goodbye. He said he felt like he was "in the Twin Towers on 9/11, just fucking waiting." :'''Malcolm:''' Oh, for fuck's sake. But everybody knows their lines, yeah? IT projects always overspend. :'''Jamie:''' Oh, yeah, yeah. :''(Malcolm's loyal personal assistant, Sam, enters the office. She has some papers for Malcolm to look over and sign.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Sam)'' Do you think you could manage to get me a decent cup of tea? Would that be possible? :''(Sam readily agrees.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Thank you. Try not to drip in it. :''(After Sam leaves the office, Malcolm continues his chat with Jamie.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Jamie)'' I tell you the thing that's worrying me is, er – is this dodgy? :'''Jamie:''' I don't know. The kid's firm was the second lowest bid. He says they never talked. What does it matter? :'''Malcolm:''' No, but you know me, I'm a man of principle. :'''Jamie:''' Oh, I know. :'''Malcolm:''' I like to know whether I'm lying to save the skin of a tosser or a moron. :'''Jamie:''' Probably a moron. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Ollie is preparing for his trip to Number 10 in Hugh's office.)'' :'''Hugh:''' ''(looking at Ollie's cell phone)'' Is this yours? Is this new? :'''Ollie:''' Uh, yeah. I thought I'd get it for Number 10. :'''Hugh:''' It's got a camera on it? :'''Ollie:''' Yeah. Yeah, it's on the back. :'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Happy slap him. Go on. :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Hugh)'' How do you know about happy slapping? How do ''you'' begin to know about... :''(But before Ollie could finish the question, Glenn gives Ollie a "Happy Slap" upside the head!)'' :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Get off! :'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Hang on, I missed it. No, will you do it again? :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Hugh)'' That's assault. :''(Glenn happy slaps Ollie again.)'' :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Get off, will you? :'''Hugh:''' ''(to Ollie)'' No, listen, it's all right, we can doctor the crime figures. :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' I really like this! :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' I'll punch you in your substantial gut. :''(And then, Robyn gives Ollie a happy slap, too!)'' :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Robyn)'' Fucking hell, Robyn! You little fucker! :''(Hugh and Glenn are laughing at Ollie's expense. Then, after the laughter dies down, the 2 of them decide to take a selfie of themselves on Ollie's cell phone.)'' :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' We should take one of us, so he's got something to remember us by. :''(Glenn takes the pic.)'' :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' Because, you know, at the end of the week, you're gonna be head of the Policy Unit. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, then you'll both be out. :'''Hugh:''' Giving head to the Policy Unit. :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' Hugh, can we, uh, do the prep for the factory visit now? :'''Hugh:''' Yeah. :'''Glenn:''' We're gonna get there at about 12, 12:30, okay? :'''Ollie:''' Forgot the, um... :''(Ollie picks up something from Hugh's desk -- and then gives Glenn a happy slap upside his head! Then, Ollie leaves.)'' :'''Glenn:''' ''(annoyed)'' Stupid boy. :'''Hugh:''' That ''was'' funny. :'''Glenn:''' That was funny? :'''Hugh:''' Yeah. :'''Glenn:''' I don't think it was funny. :'''Hugh:''' I'm an elected representative of the people. :'''Glenn:''' Yes? :'''Hugh:''' It was funny. <hr width="50%"/> :''(As Ollie is waiting outside Malcolm's office, Malcolm is yelling out for Sam again.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' SAM! :''(Sam comes toward Malcolm's office.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Sam, a coffee and a fucking skinny muffin, if that's possible. ''(Malcolm then sees Ollie.)'' What the fuck are ''you'' doing ''here?'' :'''Ollie:''' I thought you said today, Malcolm. Did you not say... :'''Malcolm:''' I mean what are you doing there? Come on! :'''Ollie:''' All right, sorry. I just didn't want to interrupt you, I never know what you're doing in your – :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well if the PM's giving me a blowjob I always put a sign up. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Robyn Murdoch is a senior press secretary for the Department of Social Affairs. She is traveling with Glenn and Hugh to their factory visit.)'' :'''Robyn:''' I've confirmed that they'll definitely be a regional news team filming our arrival, plus there will be four local papers. :'''Hugh:''' Regional news? :'''Glenn:''' No nationals? :'''Robyn:''' Well, this is very much a regional event. You know, I didn't think that... :'''Hugh:''' Robyn, all events are regional, hmm? Everything that happens in the world has to happen somewhere. Do you see? Even JFK's assassination was a regional event. But it was also very important. Hmm? Like this factory visit? You see that? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Geoff Holhurst)'' How much fucking shit is there on the menu, and ''what fucking FLAVOUR is it?'' :'''Ollie:''' ''(on the phone to Emma)'' Oh, Malcolm? No no, that's – I'm in a Scottish restaurant, some man's complaining 'cause they've under-fried his Mars Bar – yeah, of course it's Malcolm! ''(beat)'' Well, Malcolm's all sound major. That's him every day. It's like this furnace of shit. It's not -- it's not good for my system. :'''Geoff Holhurst:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Christian's firm put in the second lowest tender. That's Point 1. :'''Ollie:''' ''(on the phone to Emma)'' Do you fancy meeting up? Maybe tomorrow night? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Geoff)'' You're ''worse'' than dead meat. I don't know why you're laughing. You're too toxic to even feed to the vultures. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Hugh, Robyn, and Glenn arrive at the factory for their visit. Hugh gets out of the car first so he can say hello to the factory's employees.)'' :'''Hugh:''' Hello. Hello, Hugh Abbot. Nice to meet you. Hello. :''(But as soon as he starts saying hello to the employees, Hugh is caught off guard by a surprise confrontation from one of the workers!)'' :'''Factory Woman:''' Do you know what it's like to clean up your own mother's piss? :'''Hugh:''' I'm sorry? :'''Factory Woman:''' Do you? I mean, she was in that home for 16 weeks. Do you know what it's like to clean up your own mother's piss? :'''Hugh:''' That's, that's, that's very tough, isn't it? That's very, very tough, and our hearts, all our hearts, go out to you. :'''Factory Woman:''' But do you know what it's like to get down and clean up your own mother's piss? :'''Hugh:''' I-I think that I'm probably not the right person to talk to about this. :'''Factory Woman:''' Who ''do'' I talk to? :'''Hugh:''' Urinary and affairs like that are probably more, more Health. So anyway, lovely to talk to you... :''(Hugh turns his attention away from the woman and towards the factory, talking to a factory supervisor.)'' :'''Hugh:''' What a fantastic -- What a fantastic landscaping! I really do think it makes an enormous difference to the workplace when you have this relationship with... :''(But the Factory Woman won't let up.)'' :'''Factory Woman:''' But is that your answer? Is that your answer? :'''Hugh:''' Can I just say, we'll get someone to, to note your, your case and do what we can about it. :'''Factory Woman:''' You'll get someone to note my case?! ''Nobody's'' noted my case! :''(And when she sees Hugh touching her arm, she REALLY gets livid!)'' :'''Factory Woman:''' STOP IT DON'T TOUCH ME! WHAT ARE YOU TOUCHING ME FOR? YOU DON'T KNOW ME! YOU DON'T EVEN WANT TO KNOW ME, DO YOU? :'''Hugh:''' (stammering) I know, I do want, I would like to get to know you. I've just... :'''Factory Woman:''' OH, WHY ARE YOU WALKING AWAY FROM ME, THEN? Would you like to know the facts? I'll tell you about the facts. :'''Glenn:''' The minister would love to know the facts. :'''Factory Woman:''' There are two qualified nurses out of all those care assistants. Only two! :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh, quietly)'' Give her a smile... :'''Factory Woman:''' The rest are only kids! :''(Hugh gives the Factory Woman a sheepish smile, but that just makes the situation worse...)'' :'''Factory Woman:''' WHAT ARE YOU SMILING AT? WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT? DO YOU THINK IT'S FUNNY? DO YOU THINK I'M FUNNY? DO YOU THINK MY MOTHER'S PISS IS FUNNY? WELL, IT'S NOT FUNNY! SHE'S NOT LAUGHING! SHE'S PISSING HERSELF! I'M NOT LAUGHING! I'M CRYING! <hr width="50%"/> :''(A short while later, Hugh, who is on a higher level in the factory, is talking to Glenn on his cell phone. Glenn is on the ground level...and that pesky Factory Woman is screaming right at him!)'' :'''Hugh:''' Glenn? Is she still saying it? :'''Glenn:''' Oh God, yes. (Glenn turns to the Factory Woman.) Would you please just give me a moment? :''(Glenn continues his conversation with Hugh on his cell phone.)'' :'''Glenn:''' Yes. Yes, she's banging on about it even now. The trouble is, Hugh, they reckon they've got some great shots. You know... :'''Hugh:''' ''Great shots?'' :'''Glenn:''' The thing is: Don't panic. :''(The Factory Woman finally gets more of her 2 cents in...)'' :'''Factory Woman:''' ...BECAUSE IT'S DISGUSTING! YOU CANNOT TREAT PEOPLE LIKE THIS! :''(Glenn's patience has finally run out.)'' :'''Glenn:''' CAN YOU PLEASE SHUT UP FOR ONE FUCKING MINUTE? I'm asking nicely. Please! :''(Glenn finishes his phone conversation with Hugh.)'' :'''Glenn:''' Now, Hugh -- look, I'm gonna have to hang up. :'''Factory Woman:''' Did you enjoy that? Did you enjoy that? <hr width="50%"/> :''(Meanwhile at Number 10, Malcolm and Jamie are having a stern chat with Geoff Holhurst's son, Christian.)'' :'''Jamie:''' ''(to Christian Holhurst)'' Your dad told us that he didn't know you worked for the company. You never told him. :''(Ollie's cell phone rings...)'' :'''Ollie:''' ''(answering his phone)'' Ollie Reeder? ''(beat)'' Um -- Sorry, who is this? :'''Christian Holhurst:''' ''(to Jamie and Malcolm)'' Obviously, he knew, but... :'''Ollie:''' ''(on his phone)'' No, I've never cleaned up my own mother's piss. ''(Ollie's talking to the Factory Woman.)'' Sorry, what? Who-Who are you? :'''Jamie:''' ''(to Christian)'' Well, you-you ''do'' talk to your dad? :'''Ollie:''' ''(on his cell)'' Well, how did you get... :'''Jamie:''' ''(to Christian)'' NO, YOU FUCKING DON'T! That is the wrong answer! The wrong fucking answer! :'''Ollie:''' ''(on his cell)'' Please don't be aggressive. I will call back. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Christian)'' You tell your corporate affairs people. Otherwise, I'm gonna come over there and fucking maim every single fucking one of them. Okay? Good to see you. All right? Well done, Christian. <hr width="50%"/> :''(In this scene, Malcolm has arrived at ITN, a news network, to meet Mark Davies, the news producer. Malcolm & Mark are in the production room discussing footage of Hugh being confronted at the factory by the Factory Woman.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(introducing himself to Mark)'' Mark? Hi, Mark Davies? I'm Malcolm. We've spoken on the phone. :'''Mark Davies:''' Yes. :'''Malcolm:''' Do you mind if I pop in? It's just -- I was in seeing Pam. and everyone started talking about the Hugh thing. :'''Mark:''' Yes... :''(Mark nods his head in agreement with Malcolm as they look at the footage.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Do you see what I have to work with? :'''Mark:''' I know, Malcolm. He doesn't look great, does he? :''(As they continue looking at the footage, Malcolm starts to attempt to play director.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Mark's assistant)'' That shot, are you going to use that? :'''Mark:''' Malcolm. :''(Mark doesn't want Malcolm touching the equipment.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Sorry, sorry. :'''Mark:''' Don't touch that. :'''Malcolm:''' This isn't in the package, is it, Mark? :''(Sure enough, Malcolm's inner director starts channeling inside him again.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Mark's assistant)'' You're not using that. You can't use that. ''(to Mark)'' This is dumbing down of the news agenda that people like me and your boss's boss really object to. And I'm gonna mention this to him when I see him on Friday, by the way. :'''Mark:''' Malcolm, this is a traditional old-fashioned news story, called 'Minister looks a tit'. :'''Malcolm:''' Hey, everybody looks a tit, you know? Take two of these shots of him looking moronic out. Leave a couple in of him looking a little bit dim, put one of him composed, drop it down the running order, and we've got a deal. :'''Mark:''' I'm not – Deal, what deal, Malcolm? He looks a tit, that's it. I'm sorry. :'''Malcolm:''' But there is a difference between allowing someone's natural tittishness to come through, and just exploiting it through camera work here! You're sticking one tit moment on top of another tit moment. That wouldn't happen in real life. And do you know about that woman? Have you made any inquiries into the background of that woman? :'''Mark:''' I'm sure my researchers have, yes. :'''Malcolm:''' Yes. Your researchers have? Well, well, I'm gonna tell you I don't think they have. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' Stats, percentages, international comparison, information! Email them fucking WADS of information! And tell them they'd better get their heads around it before they put pen to paper, or I'll be up their arses like a fucking Biafran ferret, right? COME ON, UNLEASH HELL! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hugh:''' Sometimes I...You know, when you meet the real...the actual people...Don't you ever, I mean, just look at the little, beady eyes and mean mouths sort of sneering, and...I mean, I know this is what they think people like me think, so I hate thinking it, but I just find myself thinking they're from a different fucking species. You know, with their T-shirts and weird trousers and tabards. Why do they wear clothes with writing on them? And why are they so fucking fat? :'''Glenn:''' I know, and stupid. :'''Hugh:''' God, I hate this place. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm and Jamie are about to give Ollie an important mission...)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Ollie. :'''Jamie:''' ''(to Ollie)'' We need you to fuck Hugh for us. ''(beat)'' Okay? :'''Ollie:''' ''(reluctantly)'' Okay. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' I need you to go over to Mark Davies at ITN, right? They're 50/50 on bumping Hugh up to top of the bill with the Piss Woman, right? Can you sort that out for me? ''(Ollie agrees)'' Good lad. Okay, see you later. :'''Ollie:''' ''(seeing a bag of chips from a bin on his chair)'' Oh nice, very nice. :'''Jamie:''' WELL GO FOR FUCK'S SAKE, YOU BIG FUCKING PRICK! I'LL CUT YOUR FUCKING EARS OFF, WE NEED IT DONE! :'''Ollie:''' When I met you this morning, I thought you were the nice Scot! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ollie:''' Fuck's sake. ''(Ollie answers his phone)'' Oliver Reeder. :'''Malcolm:''' Have you sorted it, Ollie? :'''Ollie:''' It's not quite sorted just yet, Malcolm, it's difficult – :'''Malcolm:''' Shall I send Jamie over? Would you like that? :'''Ollie:''' No, no – :'''Malcolm:''' You and Jamie and a rubber truncheon, locked in that fucking newsroom together. :'''Ollie:''' No, I'm fine. :'''Malcolm:''' Then make me happy. Bring me sunshine. :'''Ollie:''' Right, I'll make you happy, Malcolm. ''(Ollie hangs up)'' Dickwad. ''(Ollie's phone rings again. He answers it)'' Oliver Reeder. :'''Jamie:''' Hey all right, shitebag, you done it yet? :'''Ollie:''' I'm just in the middle of doing it right now, but every time I try – :'''Jamie:''' WELL, FUCKING HURRY UP! GET OFF THE FUCKING PHONE! :'''Ollie:''' ''(Ollie hangs up)'' Fuck's sake! ''(His phone rings yet again. He answers)'' I'm fucking doing it! I'm just – Sorry Emma, yeah, hi. I'm stuck in that meeting about equal pay. It's just – it's gone over. But, uh, but - Hey, you know, tonight. Are we still on? ''(beat)'' Yeah. Yeah, ''Solaris,'' here we come. Bye. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Hugh and Glenn are finally back from the disastrous factory visit, talking about...piss.)'' :'''Hugh:''' Have you, though? :'''Glenn:''' What? :'''Hugh:''' Ever cleaned up your own mother's piss? :'''Glenn:''' No, I never knew my mother, Hugh. As you know. :'''Hugh:''' Sorry. Have you--have you ever cleaned up your stepmother's piss? :'''Glenn:''' No, I never cleaned her piss. It wasn't that kind of relationship. :'''Hugh:''' No, nor me. Though I have to say, I've done Alicia's piss and Charlie's piss. I mean, you know, loads, loads of it. But, you know, it's only piss. It's -- Yeah, thanks. I mean, she was going on as if it was some sort of toxic waste or something, but it's, what's a bit of piss? <hr width="50%"/> :''(In the Number 10 Newsroom, Malcolm and the team are about to watch the ITN News.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' All right, folks, here we go. :''(The top story on the news is about Hugh's disastrous factory visit.)'' :'''News Announcer:''' ''Tonight, dramatic pictures...'' :''(The newsroom office cheers.)'' :'''News Announcer:''' ''...of voter anger over the NHS.'' :'''Jamie:''' ''(happily)'' Anything other than Number One spot is a big win. :'''News Announcer:''' ''...spin doctor thought our tape had stopped running.'' :''(Sure enough, Ollie's cell phone pic of Glenn appears on the TV screen...with the sound of Glenn getting mad.)'' :'''Glenn:''' ''CAN YOU PLEASE SHUT UP FOR ONE F$%@#!G MINUTE?'' :'''Jamie:''' ''(quite amused)'' Oh oh oh, he is so fucked! ''(to Ollie)'' Hey, good photo. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah. Well, you know, it's a good phone. :'''Hugh:''' ''What fantastic landscaping...'' :''(More howls of laughter emanate from the newsroom.)'' <hr width="50%"/> :''(Back at Hugh's office, Glenn is sitting in a chair beside himself. Hugh is pacing the floor.)'' :'''Glenn:''' Who do you think looked worse? You or me? :'''Hugh:''' Well, I mean, I looked bad, but you said bad. I suppose on balance, um, honestly...You, really. :'''Glenn:''' ''(quiet, but annoyed)'' Great. :''(Glenn's cell phone rings.)'' :'''Glenn:''' Oh. Go away. :''(Glenn hangs up on the call...and after a few moments...)'' :'''Glenn:''' I don't know if I'm gonna survive this, Hugh. They're gonna be all over me like shingles. ''(Glenn's cell phone rings again.)'' They are all over me like shingles! :''(Glenn hangs up on the call again...More awkward silence...)'' :'''Hugh:''' It'll be OK. :'''Glenn:''' Do you think? :'''Hugh:''' Yeah, it'll probably be fine. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Ollie has stopped answering his cell phone. Let's hear what his voicemails have to say.)'' :'''Hugh:''' ''(in a voicemail)'' Ollie, hi, it's Hugh. I just wanted to say thank you very very much. The way you shifted the spotlight onto Glenn was quite Tucker-esque, really very [[w:Machievelli|Malc-iavellian]], if you know what I mean. Well done, and bye bye. :'''Factory Woman:''' ''(in a voicemail)'' Hello, Ollie. Just seen myself on the news. Okay, let's get something done now. And, uh, I'll be phoning you every day until we do sort out my mother and her problem. Thank you. <hr width="50%"/> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Jamie:''' Oh, don't worry about Malcolm, he's only about half as scary as he thinks he is. Well, here, you can have this desk, it's free. :'''Ollie:''' OK. :'''Jamie:''' Don't worry, she won't be coming back. Hey, Joe, Joe! This guy is your replacement. I'm not fucking joking, by the way. Ollie, this is Frankie. Frankie, this is Ollie. ''(Ollie extends his hand to Frankie, who ignores it)'' Frankie, I don't know what happened, but I somehow – you know those numbers I asked you for? I never found them on my desk. Maybe somebody stole them. Or, maybe, maybe, you're fucking me around. And if you fuck me around again, I'll tell you something: ''(laughs slightly)'' I am going to rip your fucking head off, and shit right down into your neck, ''(grabs Frankie's head)'' and then I'm going to stick your FUCKING head back on, and SHIT ON THAT! ==Series 2, Episode 2== :''(At the start of this episode, Hugh is talking on his cell phone to someone about the impending "Cabinet Reshuffle.")'' :'''Hugh:''' ''(on his cell phone)'' No, Derek. I'm not presuming anything. It's entirely up to the PM. I'll just go wherever he wants me to go. I'm gonna have to go. Bye-bye. :''(Next, Hugh and Ollie, who's right behind him, both meet up with Robyn and congratulate her on getting a place at Malcolm's 8:30 press meeting.)'' :'''Hugh:''' ''(to Robyn)'' Good morning. :'''Robyn:''' ''(cheekily smiling)'' Morning, Minister. :'''Hugh:''' Are you just off to your 8:30 with Malcolm? :'''Robyn:''' Yep yep. :'''Hugh:''' First one? :'''Robyn:''' Into the Lion's Den, Viper's Pit. :'''Hugh:''' "The Belly of the Beast, the Lair of the White Worm." :'''Ollie:''' The Eye of the Snake. :'''Hugh:''' Not all the departments get asked to the 8:30, so... :'''Robyn:''' That's true. :'''Hugh:''' A great honor that we are in there with the big hitters. Always best to be inside the tent, pissing out. :'''Ollie:''' Absolutely. If you were, you know, doing this over at Environment and Rural Affairs, you'd be, uh, at 8:30 you'd be very much outside the tent, wouldn't you? Probably at Coffee Republic. :'''Hugh:''' Covered in piss. Good luck. You'll be fine. You don't need good luck. Yeah. :'''Robyn:''' What about the...piss? :'''Hugh:''' ''(reassuring Robyn)'' No no no, it's just a figure of speech. :'''Robyn:''' I'd better go. :'''Ollie:''' See you later, Robyn. :'''Robyn:''' OK. :'''Ollie:''' ''(looking at his cell phone)'' I'm sure there's a way of... :'''Hugh:''' ''(chasing after Robyn)'' Robyn! :''(Hugh just remembered to ask Robyn a question.)'' :'''Hugh:''' ''(whispering to Robyn)'' Robyn, sorry. Could you try and pick up any signals you can from Malcolm about -- about the, um...about the reshuffle? :'''Robyn:''' I've really got to go now, because I don't want to be late. :'''Hugh:''' Yeah, God, don't be late! :'''Robyn:''' Apparently, they shout things at the last one in. :'''Glenn:''' ''(entering the scene)'' If anyone shouts at you, they'll have to answer to me. I'll box his ears. :''(Robyn leaves)'' :'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Box his ears? If that was flirting, that was absolutely crap. :'''Glenn:''' What? :'''Hugh:''' Box his ears? How long is it since you've had sex? :'''Glenn:''' That is between me and my internet service provider. Anyway, about this morning's – :'''Ollie:''' ''(chuckling)'' You've actually gone red, Glenn. Look at you. :'''Hugh:''' Yeah, you have. Look, you've gone red. :'''Glenn:''' I have not gone red. ''(points to his folder)'' That's red. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah! :'''Hugh:''' Look, he can hardly walk properly. :<hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm Tucker is having his 8:30 meeting with all the reporters and press officers from various government departments.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(entering the room)'' Morning morning morning morning! :'''Everyone else:''' Morning. :'''Malcolm:''' OK, I want to have a little bit of a think about, um, some of our presentational issues with regard to yesterday. There seems to have been a bit of a problem last night with, uh, Liam on ''Newsnight.'' I would like to know why did we have a Minister on last night who did not appear to know their lines. :'''Reporter #1:''' It's not all his fault, Malcolm. We-we grilled him beforehand. :'''Malcolm:''' You grilled him? :'''Reporter #1:''' He's got a new baby. He's not getting enough sleep. :'''Malcolm:''' I don't care if he's got a new baby. I don't care whether he's tired. He looked like he didn't know what he was fucking talking about. Now I know he doesn't know what he's fucking talking about, but he's got to appear as if he does, right? ''(Malcolm starts pointing at all the reporters.)'' And that is your job and your job. ''(He continues pointing.)'' And yours and yours and yours and yours and yours and yours and yours and yours and yours. With all due respect of ministers, give them the lines. Right? :'''Robyn:''' Give them all the lines to say? :''(Malcolm introduces the other reporters to Robyn.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' This is the delightful Robyn. She's just with us today. She's standing in for, eh, Terri Coverley at the Department of, uh, Social Affairs. So let's be gentle with her, please. No remarks about the Department of Stuffed Anuses, or the Department of Stupid Announcements, or the Department of Sod All. ''(Laughter emanates from the room.)'' Right, next. :'''Robyn:''' Reshuffle? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Robyn, smiling)'' Yes, there is, uh, a pending reshuffle, I can see we're not gonna get anything past you! "There was a young girl from DOSA, who helped herself to a samosa." ''(Malcolm jokingly makes a karate chop.)'' Argh! Next time I'll come up with something. Just a bit of fun. Um...Yes, the reshuffle. No, yes, well, definitely, we-we don't know anything. ''I'' don't know anything. So, um, we can't say anything. But you know, even if we did, we wouldn't. But we don't, so we both can't and won't. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' ''(asked for a line about Julius Nicholson at his 8.30 meeting)'' 'Julius Nicholson is a hugely respected adviser. He now has a wide-ranging brief, and his blue-sky vision and helicopter thinking will enable this Government to go, in his own phrase, "beyond delivery, and beyond that".' That's the line, OK? And if he does stick his baldy head round your door and comes up with some stupid idea about 'policemen's helmets should be yellow', or 'let's set up a department to count the moon', just treat him like someone with Alzheimer's disease, you know? Just say to him, "Oh, yeah, that's lovely, that's good. We must talk about that later." OK? <hr width="50%"/> :''(Hugh is now at Malcolm's office at Number 10. Hugh wants to talk to Malcolm about the impending reshuffle.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(on his mobile)'' In no way, shape or form is it gonna have any ''(knock at door)'' – Come the fuck in, or fuck the fuck off. :'''Hugh:''' ''(entering)'' Well I'll come the fuck in then. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(back on his mobile)'' It's just something that Nicholson's flown, you know. It's a kind of brain exercise, like "What would it be like if men had tits?", you know? [[wikipedia:Mark_Mardell|Mark Mardell]], yeah, ''(laughs)'' that's pretty good, actually. All right, then. See you, then. ''(hangs up)'' Hugh? :'''Hugh:''' I thought you would want to know as soon as possible. :'''Malcolm:''' What? :'''Hugh:''' Terri's dad. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah? :'''Hugh:''' No news at the moment. :'''Malcolm:''' Right, so you've come to talk about the reshuffle, yeah? :'''Hugh:''' Yeah, I have. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah? :'''Hugh:''' In terms of shuffley stuff, how is Neil? I mean, is his heart... :'''Malcolm:''' Have you not heard? :'''Hugh:''' No. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(sighing heavily)'' He's paralysed. :'''Hugh:''' Oh no. :'''Malcolm:''' Neil's on wheels. :'''Hugh:''' You're kidding. :'''Malcolm:''' He's a vegetable. :'''Hugh:''' Oh my God. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. :''(A lengthy silence follows...and then...)'' :'''Malcolm:''' That means you could have his department. :'''Hugh:''' Oh, you are kidding. Well, fuck you very much. :'''Malcolm:''' Well, I know that you're looking for mouth-to-mouth in the reshuffle, but I don't know anything about it. I mean, the PM is still working it out on the back of a Coldplay CD as we speak. :''(It's time to meet Julius Nicholson, the Advisor to the Prime Minister. Julius is now entering Malcolm's office.)'' :'''Julius Nicholson:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Are you in, sir? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Julius)'' Oh! Mr. Julius Nicholson. :'''Hugh:''' ''(shaking Julius's hand)'' Hello, nice to see you again. :''(Hugh lets Julius have his seat, and Malcolm and Julius start up a conversation.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Julius)'' What proposals have you got for us today? How about a ban on sand castles? :'''Julius:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' I just wanted to find out if you're coming to my FSG briefing this afternoon. :'''Malcolm:''' FSG briefing? :'''Julius:''' Forward Strategy Group, Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' Well, you know, Julius, I think I'm just gonna have to send one of the -- I'll send one of the boys. I have got so much work to do here, what with this, uh, the MOD... :'''Julius:''' As the minister said to the prince, don't be surprised if we abolish you. I'll leave it with you. :''(Julius gets up and leave the office. Malcolm and Hugh resume their conversation.)'' :'''Hugh:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' That was a bit, um...Are you all right? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(annoyed)'' I'm fucking all right. I can fucking look after myself. :'''Hugh:''' Under the spotlight now, aren't you? :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well, ''you'' should just watch your own back, what with the missus dripping poison into the big guy's ear about you. :'''Hugh:''' Missus? What missus? :'''Malcolm:''' The Prime Minister's missus. Oh, what? You don't know? She doesn't like the cut of your jib, son. :'''Hugh:''' She doesn't -- She's hardly ''seen'' my jib. I just had a conversation with her at the New Year's party, that's all. ''(beat)'' Why doesn't she like me? I mean, what's not to like? :'''Malcolm:''' I mean, you just didn't click. :'''Hugh:''' ''(exasperated)'' We couldn't click! We were talking about the fucking Euro! How are you supposed to click over the Euro? It's fucking impossible. :'''Malcolm:''' Don't take it so personally. :'''Hugh:''' You're telling me she doesn't like me as a person! How else am I supposed to take it? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ollie:''' Robyn, can you send these back to archives, 'cause they're not even highlighted, I'm not going to plough through all that myself. While you're talking to them, I need the last four months of the European Digest. I'm going to be moving – :'''Robyn:''' Is it 'cause you fancy me, is that what this is all about? :'''Ollie:''' Sorry? :'''Robyn:''' Why are you so bloody rude to me? I mean, that's got to be the reason. Other people, when they come in here, they knock on the door and they say "hello", "good morning", "thank you" and "nice top" sometimes. :'''Ollie:''' Right, um, well, no. I mean, for a start, I don't fancy you. I don't know where you got that in your head, but it's probably best to get it out. If I'm slightly polite to you on a semi-regular basis, will that in any way bypass it? :'''Robyn:''' I think that would definitely do it. :'''Ollie:''' Right, fantastic. Well, thank you very much for the work you do; hi, by the way, how are you? :'''Robyn:''' I'm really well, actually. :'''Ollie:''' Great, that's great; you look lovely; can I have the fucking Digest, please? That would be terrific. :'''Robyn:''' All you had to do was ask me. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, well, all I did do is ask. ''(Robyn bends down to get something)'' Phwoar! ''(She gets up and stares at Ollie)'' It was a joke. <hr width="50%"/>'' :''(Hugh and Ollie are discussing the latest Cabinet meeting.)'' :'''Hugh:''' I did mention your great quiet carriages thing and he just – ''(pulls a slightly disgusted face)'' :'''Ollie:''' Well what does that mean? :'''Hugh:''' Fuck knows what it means, but I don't think it means, "Oh, Hugh, you're fantastic. Here, become Home Secretary". And even if it did mean that, when he's in bed tonight with Mrs PM, flossing, then she'll say, "What do you mean, Hugh Abbot as Home Secretary? The man is a social spastic and very probably a registered nonce, darling." <hr width="50%"/> :''(This scene starts with Malcolm on his desk phone in his office.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(on the phone)'' This is just another example of thinking out of the box by someone who's clearly out of his fucking tree. :''(Someone's knocking on Malcolm's door -- and that someone is Julius Nicholson. Again.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(on the phone)'' Alright, I've got to go. I'll talk to you later. :'''Julius:''' ''(entering the office)'' Ah, Malcolm Tucker! :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Julius)'' Julius Nicholson! What can I do you for? :''(Both men sit down in their chairs for a chat.)'' :'''Julius:''' I am keen to have a chat with, um, Keith Percival. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. Uh, that won't be possible. :'''Julius:''' And I need to read the O'Rourke papers. :'''Malcolm:''' I'm afraid not. Anything else? :''(Uh-oh...this is gonna be a long, uncomfortable conversation.)'' :'''Julius:''' Look, Malcolm, you and I both know full well that my power and authority flows directly from the PM. If you've got a problem... :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well, Keith is so busy with real governmental work that he doesn't have time to discuss with you your ideas and theories. The O'Rourke papers are not relevant to anything that we can actually action at this moment. :'''Julius:''' That's slightly funny, because when I played tennis with the PM -- which I do as I'm sure you know, every Sunday -- he was saying just how much he was looking forward to seeing that paper. :'''Malcolm:''' He does think that your theories are interesting. He tells me that, because, you know, I see him every day. I also see him on a Sunday when I get together with his family and I make the fucking waffles. ''BUT'' -- I cannot allow you to come in here and interfere with the actual process of government. :'''Julius:''' Malcolm, that is my -- that is my ''JOB!'' That's my job! :'''Malcolm:''' Well, you're doing it very fucking well. :'''Julius:''' Malcolm, I'm sorry. There are gonna be big changes around here. Get used to it. We'll announce all this at the reshuffle. :'''Malcolm:''' With all due respect, Julius, the reshuffle is the business of the PM and the PM alone, which means that that is my business. It is my remit. :'''Julius:''' No, Malcolm. Historically, yes. But now it's part of my remit. :'''Malcolm:''' Right. OK, I'll tell you what we should do. ''(getting up)'' Why don't we just get our remits out, slap them on the table, and see who's got the biggest fucking remit? :'''Julius:''' ''(standing up)'' Mal-Mal -- Malcolm, Malcolm, we need to talk about accommodation, we need to talk about access... :'''Malcolm:''' Accommodation? Why am I talking about accommodation? :'''Julius:''' It's a 21-man department. We can't fit upstairs. This is ideal. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(confused)'' 21 men in here? :'''Julius:''' Not just in here, no. This office here will be perfectly usable, for not only myself... :'''Malcolm:''' That's not an office. :'''Julius:''' Yes, it is an office. :'''Malcolm:''' It's a pantry. :'''Julius:''' Well, whatever it is, we will refit this out as a working office... :'''Malcolm:''' ''(opening the pantry door)'' Julius, it's a fucking pantry. Look. :'''Julius:''' So what? What we'll do is we will kick through this -- Bang, straight into the PM's private study. ''(Julius shuts the pantry door.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(talking while eating something)'' What are people gonna say -- when they come in and they say, "Where is Julius Nicholson?" :'''Julius:''' I'm here. :'''Malcolm:''' He's in the pantry! :'''Julius:''' ''(knocking on the pantry door)'' Here I am. :'''Malcolm:''' You know what they're gonna do? They're gonna ridicule you. :''(Malcolm and Julius are talking over each other, and then Malcolm cracks wise...)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''Where's the bankrupt in the cupboard?'' :'''Julius:''' Why are you behaving like a complete and utter prick? :'''Malcolm:''' I'm supposed to polish you up, burnish you up. Yeah, and when you get your big break and you're on fucking ''Call My Bluff'' or whatever it is, I'm supposed to... :''(Malcolm sees Julius heading for the door to leave the office.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Come back in here! Oi! Come back in here! JULIUS! Get the fuck back in here! :''(Julius reluctantly comes back in Malcolm's office, and Julius tries to lecture Malcolm while he's talking.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Please! Please! Come back. Let's be civilised. Let's-let's be civilised about it. Let's be civilised, come on. Let's be -- there ''are'' human resources, let's be civilised about it. Go over to your fucking pantry, right. :'''Julius:''' This is a perfectly usable office space... :'''Malcolm:''' ''(shutting the pantry door)'' Cool it for one minute, okay? Cool it. And just fucking cool it, shut up and fucking listen to me. This is an old fucking Georgian door. Do you know how long this has been here? :'''Julius:''' No I don't. :'''Malcolm:''' Since the time of Elizabeth I, at least. Now look at that. :''(Julius laughs in utter disbelief.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' That does not open. Look at it. Look at it. Try opening it. Come on. Surely, this is the kind of stuff you like. Character building, team building. Put your hand over mine. Try to open the door. Come on, Julius. It's my fucking pantry. :''(Malcolm and Julius are still talking over each other endlessly...)'' :'''Julius:''' It's not your pantry. It's my fucking pantry. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Discussing Julius Nicholson)'' :'''Hugh''': Can't we just kill him, shoot him? :'''Ollie''': What about we just fire him at a wall from a cannon. Just a wall two feet away. :'''Glenn''': I know, we force feed him with a mixture of garlic and Dettol in Cup-a-Soup. :'''Hugh''': What about the old red-hot poker up the arse? Edward II? :''(Julius walks in)'' :'''Ollie''': I'd like to nail him to a tree through the head and watch lice slowly crawl over his body, eating off the flesh in a slow and painful death, ''(having already noticed Julius)'' but that rather bitter anomaly aside, most of the responses to the Warwick report press cuttings were pretty positive. :<hr width="50%" />'''Hugh''' ''(to Ollie)'': I ''am'' desperate, but I don't really want to ''look'' desperate, like Glenn. :'''Glenn''' ''(entering)'': Oh, God, here we go again. Yeah, like Glenn, what? :'''Hugh:''' Well, I was just saying, the last time you saw a snatch was... :'''Ollie:''' ''[[wikipedia:Basic_Instinct|Basic Instinct]]''. :'''Hugh:''' You see, that's good. That's the kind of repartee I need with the PM's wife. It's that final k-tsssss! you see, that's the bit I'm missing. :'''Glenn:''' Yeah, well, I think you could drop the snatch material with the PM's wife, don't you? :'''Hugh:''' Well, OK, between the snatch and the Euro there's some sort of happy medium.<hr width="50%" />'''Malcolm''' ''(on the phone)'': He is not getting anywhere near my fucking pantry, I tell you that. That door is staying as open as a fat whore's bonehole.<hr width="50%" />'''Hugh:''' Sorry I'm late, traffic was an absolute bitch. No offence, Robyn. :<hr width="50%"/> '''Julius:''' It's Paul Webster, US Economics Secretary of State. He's unexpectedly coming over, and the Treasury are hosting a bash for him this evening. Don't tell me you've not been invited. :'''Hugh:''' Yes, no, I have. It's just that I'm actually bashing myself tonight. :'''Julius:''' So you – you've got your own bash here? :'''Hugh:''' Uh yeah. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah. :'''Julius:''' Ah! Back up, everybody, put the brakes on! We've got a bash happening here tonight and at the Treasury? :'''Hugh:''' Yeah. It sounds complicated but I like to, um, maximise my face. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hugh''': ''(telling a joke at his party)'' And Julius, Julius Nicholson, says, ”I'm sorry but I think you'll find you're sitting in my seat.” :''(No one laughs)'' :'''Hugh''': And this was to God, as I mentioned in the setup. Anyway, have a lovely time. ''(to Ollie, whispering)'' A fiver if you set off the sprinklers. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hugh:''' Why didn't you tell me, Glenn? What possible reason did you have? You saw me, I was swinging like a colostomy bag! :'''Glenn:''' Oh, Hugh, grow up! Stuff happens in this department every day, I can't tell you everything! :'''Hugh:''' Since when, Glenn, since when does the Secretary of State for Social Affairs have to find out ''from the fucking press'' that every morning at 8:30 I'm being fisted up to the gallbladder by a bald man? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' Right, guys, thanks very much for staying on. Julius Nicholson, right? :'''Glenn:''' Yep. :'''Malcolm:''' Blue sky thinker? Ex-business guru? Dog rapist? :'''Hugh:''' Quite possibly. :'''Malcolm:''' He's being a nuisance to me; he also has got plans to squeeze ''your'' department so hard you'll be lucky if you're left with one bollock between the three of you. So all I am doing here is asking you, formally, if you will join me in a little bit of a circle jerk. :'''Hugh:''' Circle jerk? What? :'''Ollie:''' It's when a lot of guys in a circle all, you know. ''(to Malcolm)'' Well, I assume you don't mean literally, do you? Presumably? :<hr width="50%" />'''Glenn:''' ''(on the phone to a journalist)'' Yeah I know it's probably bollocks, but that's what we all thought when Jim was up for Home Secretary, and then the next thing you know, he's given up the Colombian marching powder and taken up the sacraments. :<hr width="50%" />'''Malcolm''' ''(arriving at his 8.30 meeting)'': Morning, morning, morning! So what's the story in [[wikipedia:Balamory|Bala-fucking-mory]]? :'''A press officer:''' Reshuffle! :'''Malcolm:''' Excellent! You win a year's supply of condoms, which in your case is four.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Malcolm:''' So how was Cabinet this morning? :'''Hugh:''' It was good. Obviously, with reshuffle coming up, everybody's desperate to impress. Clare went round the room on a unicycle juggling burning kittens, but er – She didn't really, but what she did do was pretty embarrassing. :'''Malcolm:''' OK. :'''Hugh:''' And in terms of shuffle-y stuff, Carol ended up in Neil's seat. What do you think ''that'' means? :'''Malcolm:''' Well, I think that means that Carol wants to be nearer the biscuits, just in case her blood sugar level drops. That woman, she's unbelievable. I have seen her go into second reading debates with Pringles! Her star is somewhat on the wane, I think she's going a bit downward, actually, [[wikipedia:Secretary_of_State_for_Constitutional_Affairs|Constitutional Affairs]]. :'''Hugh:''' Ooh, that's gonna hurt, Constitutional Affairs, that's the [[wikipedia:Geri_Halliwell|Ginger Spice]] of the – :'''Malcolm:''' Of the what, Hugh? Of the what? :'''Hugh:''' Of the Gov– the whole – :'''Malcolm:''' Ginger Spice. Jesus Christ, what – what fucking century are you living in? :'''Hugh:''' There was a fantastic feature about Ginger in the ''[[wikipedia:Heat_(magazine)|Heat]]'' magazine. Apparently she shaves downstairs and she's working for UNICEF or some sort of – :'''Malcolm:''' Hugh, you are talking absolute fucking drivel.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Hugh:''' It looked like Fatty was the one who was on his way out, but now it could just as likely be me. :'''Ollie:''' Well look, Hugh, if you're worried about Fatty we can always start gently briefing against him, I know it's late in the day and, you know, obviously it's not the first thing that we want to be doing – :'''Hugh:''' Yeah, 'Abbot says Fatty's a twat'. Does that make Fatty look like a twat? I think it makes me look like a twat for calling him a twat. :'''Ollie:''' Mm – it doesn't have to be you directly, does it? That's the point. :'''Hugh:''' Robyn? Come on, it's like giving a child a firework. :'''Ollie:''' Well, not Robyn. :'''Hugh:''' Actually that's where your bit of skirt – sorry, whatever the modern – your ho, your ho could actually be quite helpful. If you were just to leave some compromising bits of anti-Fatty documents, you know, just lying by the loo – :'''Ollie:''' Whoa, whoa. Just blatantly using Emma, I'm really not comfortable with that. :'''Hugh:''' Can I remind you, in the last 12 hours you've described her as being 'as mad as a jackdaw on crack', 'castratingly right-wing zealot', and also 'disappointingly below par in the blowjob department', so why the sudden outbreak of principle?<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Glenn:''' Are you still in the frame for ''[[wikipedia:Question_Time_(TV_series)|Question Time]]''? :'''Hugh:''' I am, but I think they're gonna go for Fatty to take advantage of the widescreen option. ''(Ollie laughs.)'' Any, erm – Are there any shuffle-y rumours? :'''Glenn:''' Yeah, yeah. Rob thinks Gerry's got the Foreign Office. :'''Ollie:''' The thing about this, moving offices, just from one place to another, completely different, it's just fucked as a system, isn't it? Because if you – it wouldn't happen in any other job – if you were, you know, Professor of Medieval English in Oxford and you were sitting in your study and somebody came through the door and went, 'Hey, guess what? You're now, er, Professor of Zoology, we want you in the other [[wikipedia:Quadrangle_(architecture)|quad]]', you know, that would be mental, you'd be sitting in a room like a stuffed tit just saying to people, 'How many Os in Zoology? I don't really know, this isn't really my field', and all of that information that you've built up over years and years about [[Geoffrey Chaucer|Chaucer]] or whatever is of absolutely no use to you any more because Chaucer didn't really write about baboons. :'''Hugh:''' Ollie, these are very undergraduate concerns; my point is you don't have to be an expert to make decisions. :'''Glenn:''' That's why you have advisors, you twat. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, I am being serious, Glenn. :'''Glenn:''' Yes, so am I, you are a twat. :'''Hugh:''' I mean, the point is, a lot of knowledge is a dangerous thing. :''(Hugh's office phone rings; Glenn answers it)'' :'''Ollie:''' It's 'a little knowledge is a dangerous thing'. :'''Hugh:''' Well exactly, so a lot of knowledge is ''incredibly'' dangerous. ==Series 2, Episode 3== :''(A few moments ago, Hugh said that he does not want to close down schools for kids with special needs. He is now in his office discussing the Special Needs Bill with Glenn.)'' :'''Hugh:''' Glenn, the Special Needs Bill. With your, you know, particular interest, I can't do this. :'''Glenn:''' You know my views, you know. Inclusion is an illusion. It doesn't work. :'''Hugh:''' But you-you don't mind if I -- if I go ahead with it? :'''Glenn:''' Of course not. You know, look...you're only following orders. :'''Hugh:''' Oh, thanks. So you won't make me feel bad except by comparing me to a concentration camp guard? :'''Glenn:''' No. Right. Yeah. :'''Hugh:''' Now, tomorrow. Select Committee, that's Ballantine, isn't it? :''(But before Hugh and Glenn can continue discussing the Special Needs Bill, Ollie barges in and interrupts.)'' :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Hugh and Glenn)'' Sorry, I'm sorry to interrupt. Who wants to go and watch Bollockvision? :'''Hugh:''' Bollockvision? :'''Ollie:''' Mr. Malcolm Tucker, turning it all the way up to eleven, down in the lobby. Come and have a look. :''(They all go out onto the balcony. On the other side of the atrium, on their floor, Malcolm is shouting at another Minister.)'' :'''Hugh:''' Oh, poor Keith. Malcolm must fucking love this place: Four ministers in one building. It's his dream, a one-stop bollock-shop. :'''Glenn:''' Trouble is, we're gonna be getting some of that in about an hour. :'''Hugh:''' Yeah. I don't know which is worse, watching him slowly rumble towards you like prostate cancer, or him appearing suddenly out of nowhere like a severe stroke. :''(Terri, whose father died after a stroke, turns towards Hugh.)'' :'''Hugh:''' Oh. How's your sister coping? <hr width="50%"/> :''(The Department of Social Affairs has been renamed "The Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship" -- DoSAC for short.)'' :'''Glenn:''' So, Hugh, this -- this new word, 'Citizenship.' Did the PM actually outline what it entails? :'''Hugh:''' Well, to be honest, I think he was making the reshuffle up as he-as he went along, and I think we were very lucky that 'Citizenship' was the first word that sprang to mind. Otherwise we could be the Department for Social Affairs and Woodland Folk. :'''Ollie:''' See, the problem is, though, Hugh, that there's been a bit of a rush with you not in place. Uh, you know, every department trying to unload all the stuff that they didn't want. But it's been like somebody driving a lorry down Whitehall, shouting "Bring out your shit." And they have and it's ended up at our door. :'''Hugh:''' So what are we getting? :'''Ollie:''' Citizenship basically involves, uh, cutting pensions to the Ghurkhas, rejigging the protocols for a rabies outbreak, some crap from Health about long-term care for the elderly that neither they nor we have any real idea about. :'''Glenn:''' And what to do with the Isle of Man. :'''Hugh:''' ''(annoyed)'' Just what I fucking need. Five new ways to lose my job. :''(Hugh then starts eyeing a plant that he's just noticed is right next to his desk.)'' :'''Hugh:''' Where did that come from? :'''Ollie:''' Oh, Malcolm sent that. :'''Hugh:''' It's far too big. Why-why did he send it? :'''Ollie:''' Uh, office warming present. :'''Hugh:''' So why did he send us a present? :'''Ollie:''' I don't know. :'''Hugh:''' Has Security checked this? :'''Ollie:''' What for? Tiny little terrorists? :'''Hugh:''' Yes. :'''Ollie:''' ''(annoyed)'' It's a plant! Yes?! :'''Hugh:''' ''(moving on)'' Okay, so...citizenshit. What we need to do is knock together some nice, touchy-feely, fondley, sneaky, hand-in-the-bra sort of policies. :'''Glenn:''' New bicycles for special constables, that sort of thing? :'''Hugh:''' Yeah. :'''Ollie:''' Making special needs kids clean up graffiti? :'''Hugh:''' ''(displeased)'' Yeah, that's just very mean. :'''Ollie:''' Well, yes. Not, of course, as mean as making them spell "graffiti." That genuinely is very mean. :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh, calmly but not happily)'' I'll go and have a word with Malcolm. :'''Ollie:''' Okay. :''(After Glenn leaves the office, Hugh tries to reprimand Ollie for making a joke about special needs kids.)'' :'''Hugh:''' You just took a shit with your clothes on, Ollie. :'''Ollie:''' Why? :'''Hugh:''' Glenn's boy, Peter. He went to a special needs school. :'''Ollie:''' Oh. :'''Hugh:''' Yep. :'''Ollie:''' ...Glenn's had sex? :'''Hugh:''' God, you're such a prick, Ollie. :'''Ollie:''' It's just a joke! :'''Hugh:''' There's more to life, you know, than drinks parties at the Foreign Office and having [[wikipedia:Nick_Robinson_(journalist)|Nick Robinson]]'s mobile number on your fucking BlackBerry! :'''Ollie:''' Yes. All right, all right, fine. Sorry, Hugh. I feel for the guy. I had a girlfriend with special needs once, so I know. ''(smiles smugly)'' Luckily, I was able to fulfill them. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm joins Glenn and Hugh in the office.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' So did you enjoy the show? :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Malcolm, jokingly)'' You were magnificent, darling. :'''Hugh:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Yeah, should I phone Keith so that I can get his team to watch you bollock me now? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Hugh)'' No no no no. Have I got my bollocking face on? :'''Hugh:''' Well... :'''Malcolm:''' No. This is my bollocking face? :''(Malcolm shows Hugh his infamous "bollocking stare.")'' :'''Hugh:''' Oh, crikey, yes. Thanks for the pot plant, by the way. :'''Malcolm:''' Did I send that? :'''Hugh:''' As an office warming present. :'''Malcolm:''' Christ, she's a ''great'' P.A., isn't she, Sam? :'''Hugh:''' Yeah. :'''Malcolm:''' She always remembers the little people. ''(looking at the plant)'' Look at the size of that. Fuck, you could fucking crucify somebody on that. ''(back to Glenn and Hugh)'' So what do you think of the new building, eh? :'''Hugh:''' Yeah, I can't wait to move upstairs, actually, because I don't really like the glass walls on-on, on this floor. I just feel a bit exposed. :'''Glenn:''' Like a whore in a Reeperbahn window. :'''Terri:''' ''(on the phone, calling out to Glenn)'' Glenn, it's Ollie. He wants you to go through and clarify the Citizenship brief. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Terri)'' How much, love? :'''Terri:''' Sorry? :'''Glenn:''' Okay, I'm on it. :'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' I'll catch you later. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Hugh, smiling)'' I like your tan, by the way. :'''Hugh:''' Thank you. :'''Malcolm:''' Have you declared it? Staying at the villa of an influential friend? :'''Hugh:''' I-I haven't got any influential friends, Malcolm. You are my only influential friend. :'''Malcolm:''' Oh yeah. And I'm not really your friend. :'''Hugh:''' You're not really my friend. :'''Malcolm:''' So this, uh, Super Schools Bill... :'''Hugh:''' Yep. :'''Malcolm:''' You don't think it's so super, do you? :''(Malcolm gives Hugh the "bollocking stare." Again.)'' :'''Hugh:''' You're doing it now. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(unflinching)'' What? :'''Hugh:''' That's your bollocking face. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm and Hugh are now discussing -- or is it arguing over? -- the Super Schools Bill.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' You know, it's great that you get all misty-eyed over Glenn's kid. But no one's trying to fuck over special needs kids. :'''Hugh:''' R-Really? Really? Before I went away, I consulted an expert, Mark-Mark Ryan, and he... :'''Malcolm:''' The LSE education guy? And what did that sandal-wearing nonce have to say? :'''Hugh:''' What he said was that closing down special needs schools and putting needy kids into mainstream education is a lousy idea! :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, but I've got an expert who will ''deny'' that. :'''Hugh:''' And SEN parents want the special schools kept open. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well, my-my expert would totally oppose that. :'''Hugh:''' Who is your expert? :'''Malcolm:''' I have no idea, but I can get one by this afternoon. You see, the thing is you have spoken to the wrong expert. You've got to ask the right expert. And you've got to know what an expert's going to advise you before he advises you. Hugh, whether you like this or not, you are gonna have to promote this bill. So what I'm gonna do is -- I'm gonna get you another expert, yeah? :'''Hugh:''' ''(reluctantly)'' OK. <hr width="50%"/> :''(And so, on Malcolm's say-so, Hugh and Glenn are now meeting with Mr. Roy Smedley, a special needs children expert, to discuss the inclusion of special needs kids in mainstream schools.)'' :'''Hugh:''' But surely, Mr. Smedley, inclusion has been shown to fail the most vulnerable SEN children. :'''Roy Smedley:''' When inclusion's done badly, yes. Yes, uh, you're gonna get bad results. I mean, that's a given. :'''Glenn:''' ''(wearily)'' Inclusion is an illusion. :'''Hugh:''' Mark-Mark Ryan from the LSE was saying that when the special schools do get it right, that the parents of SEN children absolutely fucking flock to... :'''Roy Smedley:''' You spoke to Mark Ryan? :'''Hugh:''' Yeah, well, some expert advice, so... :'''Roy Smedley:''' ''(mockingly)'' OK. Expert advice from Mark Ryan? :'''Hugh:''' Yeah. You have a problem with Mark Ryan? :'''Roy Smedley:''' In educational circles, he's-he's a bit of a joke. That's another given. :'''Hugh:''' Is it? :''(Suddenly, Hugh's computer beeps with an e-mail alert.)'' :'''Glenn:''' ''(responding to the alert)'' Ah, sorry. It's just that I'm expecting, uh, something quite important. :'''Hugh:''' Is our-Is our e-mail up and running? :'''Glenn:''' No. No, no, this is my hotmail. :'''Hugh:''' ''(to Roy Smedley)'' Can you-Sorry, can you excuse me just, um... :''(Roy doesn't mind Hugh being a moment. BUT...Hugh sneaks over to Terri's desk computer since she's not at her desk. Hugh then sends an e-mail to Glenn...or at least who he thinks is HIS pal, Glenn Cullen. The e-mail says "Christ Alive! What a cunt !!!" While Hugh does this despicable thing, Roy continues talking to Glenn.)'' :'''Roy Smedley:''' ''(to Glenn)'' We live in an inclusive society, am I right? I mean, we-we all rub shoulders together, Mr. Cullen? :'''Glenn:''' Indeed. :'''Roy Smedley:''' So let's not let the Mark Ryans of this world create... :'''Glenn:''' Sorry? :'''Roy Smedley:''' ...apartheid for children. The alternative is to isolate these kids in ghetto schools. :'''Glenn:''' The minister won't be a moment. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Robyn, Ollie and Terri are looking at the atrium of the new building from their floor.)'' :'''Ollie:''' Good spot for a suicide, this, I would think: good long drop, appreciative audience. :'''Robyn:''' What if you just broke your back? You know, you'd be paralysed for life and then you'd still be depressed about the thing that was depressing you in the first place. :'''Terri:''' What are these, um, hangy-down things? :'''Ollie:''' Oh, they're [[wikipedia:Sound_baffle#Interior_sound_baffle_design|acoustic baffles]], they stop it getting too echoey in here. :'''Robyn:''' So when you're breaking your back, nobody can hear you screaming? :'''Ollie:''' Well, that is the kind of attention to detail that you get in a [[wikipedia:Private_finance_initiative|PFI]] building. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(spotting them from the ground floor)'' ''HEY! GET BACK TO WORK, ALL OF YOU!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''(Hugh has privately admitted to Terri that he sent the sweary email from her account.)'' :'''Terri:''' Now Hugh, are you going to do the right thing, are you going to admit to this publicly? :'''Hugh:''' Are you – What? No! Are you mad? I can't do that, that ''mustn't'' happen! ''You've'' got – I ''need'' you, to – :'''Terri:''' What, to lie? :'''Hugh:''' I think it was [[Jacques Derrida|Derrida]] who said there is no such thing as actual ''empirical'' truth, but only – :'''Terri:''' Yeah, ''I'll'' tell you what Derrida said, he said, 'Go fuck your face, Abbot!' :''(Terri tries to storm out of the door, but only belatedly notices the exit switch)'' :'''Hugh:''' You need to mind your language, it just will keep getting you into trouble. :'''Terri:''' ''(finally opening the door)'' I can't even get out the fucking room! ''(storms out)'' <hr width="50%"/> :''(Hugh and Glenn return from their Education Select Committee appearance.)'' :'''Ollie:''' How was that? :'''Hugh:''' I lied to the Select Committee. I lied! Is Tucker in the building? :'''Ollie:''' Malcolm in the Middle. :'''Hugh:''' What? :'''Ollie:''' It's just what they're calling him now, 'cause he can stand in the middle of the atrium and just shout at all the departments. :'''Hugh:''' Well I don't want to see him, not at the moment, I can't take one of his scenes from The Exorcist just now. :'''Glenn:''' Look, I don't think Ballentine's on to anything. :'''Hugh:''' Oh no? No? Well, why did she keep asking, 'Just one expert? Only one? Not two experts? Less than three but not two?' The fucking bitch. :'''Glenn:''' It's her style, look, she's just trying to throw you off balance like a sumo wrestler. :'''Hugh:''' Well it worked: there I was on the floor in a big fucking nappy. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hugh''': Christ Malcolm, how do you appear out of nowhere in a building made entirely out of glass? :'''Malcolm:''' I'm a shape-shifter. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hugh''': It's going to be like sitting on a tea crate, having chicken shit sprayed all over me. <hr width="50%"/> :'''A civil servant:''' I'm sorry, can you stop swearing please? :'''Malcolm:''' I'm really sorry, you won't hear any more swearing from us, YOU MASSIVE, GAY, ''SHITE!!! FUCK OFF!'' ''(to Ollie)'' Right, how are you doing in sorting out whether or not he lied or not, are you OK? :'''Ollie:''' Pretty well, yeah. :'''Malcolm:''' Is that a lie? :'''Ollie:''' Yeah. :'''Malcolm:''' That is not fucking funny, you retard. I'm sorry about that, Glenn. The situation just – <hr width="50%"/> :'''Claire Ballentine:''' Are you lying to me now about not lying to me before? :'''Hugh:''' No, I am not a liar. I categorically did not knowingly not tell the truth, even though unknowingly I might not have done. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hugh:''' I don't know what else can go wrong now. Unless the flexible energy system sets fire to my office and then puts it out by squirting liquefied human shit through the ceiling sprinklers. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm''': Hey, I'm going to have a swear box installed on Monday. :'''Hugh''': What? :'''Malcolm''': Fucking joking, you twat! I'm on turbo. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Terri)'' God, right, okay, well, seein' as you're not used to this, I'll go through it for you, okay? What happens at a press conference is this. A bunch of press people are gonna appear, they've got things called cameras and microphones and mobile phones and hangovers and bad breath. Then you are gonna walk out and you're gonna read from what we call a "prepared statement". In that you will say, "I'm really fucking sorry for sounding like a hairy-arsed docker after twelve pints. I promise that I will never call an 8-year-old girl a cunt again. Can we now just draw a line over this, and fucking move on. Thank you". Everybody goes home and then we wait and we see what happens. The best case is you get to keep your job, although you will forever be known as the Sweary Woman of Whitehall.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Ollie''' ''(on the phone to a man he can see in a glass office)'': Yes, but you can't just dump rabies on us because you don't want it. You're Health, that's your job! You should have rabies. Health should have rabies, right? ''(sees the man mime fellatio)'' Oh right, yeah, fine. OK. So we're gonna have to swallow this one, but if we have to deal with a rabies outbreak we're gonna do it so fucking well, you're gonna be frothing at the mouth – yeah, twice! ''(hangs up)'' You prick!<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Hugh:''' First day back from holiday, tanned, tawdry and cheap. I feel like something out of ''[[wikipedia:Footballers'_Wives|Footballers' Wives]]''. :'''Glenn:''' How do you know about ''Footballers' Wives''? :'''Hugh:''' Ollie told me. They all live in Chelmsford, have names like Madison and Chutney, they're an orange colour and they've got thongs up their cracks. ==The Rise Of The Nutters== :''(In the opening scene of this episode, Ollie Reeder and his girlfriend, Emma Messenger, are walking down the street together in the morning. Ollie and Emma are on opposite sides of the British political spectrum. Nevertheless, the two of them are enjoying some good-natured banter talking about their party leaders.)'' :'''Ollie:''' I'm extremely impressed. I'm highly impressed that you're going to see the leader of your party. :'''Emma Messenger:''' Good. You should be impressed. :'''Ollie:''' Although, ultimately, the leader of your party is just a man, really, isn't he? He's just a guy. :'''Emma:''' Ah, now that's a good point, actually, because yours on the other hand is... :'''Ollie:''' No no no no. Mine is... :'''Emma:''' What? :'''Ollie:''' ...the leader of the country also. What I'm saying is ''if'' we were playing Top Trumps, which we kind of are... :'''Emma:''' Oh, cor, we absolutely are, Ollie. :'''Ollie:''' I win. :'''Emma:''' Right. So it's Ben Swain Day today, is it? :'''Ollie:''' Yes. A Nutter in our midst. A junior minister for me to push around, you know. That's nice, isn't it? A bit more power for me. :'''Emma:''' You are an extremely powerful man, Ollie. :'''Ollie:''' Very powerful, very attractive sexually, due to all this power. :''(As Ollie and Emma get to Government Headquarters, they are met up with Malcolm and Jamie.)'' :'''Jamie:''' Hey, Poxbridge! :'''Malcolm:''' Hello! :'''Jamie:''' Hey, dickhead! Happy New Queer! :'''Malcolm:''' I'm really sorry, but I – don't be so offensive. I do apologise for my friend's behaviour. Did you have a nice Poof-mas? :'''Ollie:''' What are you two, um, doing round Richmond Terrace then? :'''Jamie:''' Oh, we're slumming it. Just going to see Julius, the big baldy ballbag. ''(to Emma)'' You must be, you, what is it? Gemma? Gemma? :'''Emma:''' Emma. It's Emma. :'''Jamie:''' Emma. Hi, Emma. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' What are you doing down here? :'''Ollie:''' I'm babysitting Ben Swain for the day. :'''Malcolm:''' Could you water my spider plants in my office as well? ''(to Emma)'' He's very good with the watering can. Very very bright lad. Homemaker. :''(And with that, Ollie and Emma share a rather awkward goodbye -- WITH NO KISS!)'' :'''Emma:''' I'll see you later. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, see you later. ''(Ollie rushes inside to catch up with Jamie and Malcolm.)'' <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm and Jamie are busting Ollie's chops about his relationship with Emma.)'' :'''Jamie:''' ''(to Ollie)'' So, the girlfriend, she-she doesn't mind the whole, uh, you being gay thing? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Did you take her home for Christmas? :'''Ollie:''' No. God, no. I couldn't do that. :'''Malcolm:''' Oh no, you couldn't do that, 'cause she wouldn't fit in. 'Cause you're that right dyed-in-the-wool working class, aren't you? She's probably allergic to pit ponies. <hr width="50%"/> :''(In this scene, Peter Mannion, the Leader of the Opposition, is having a chat with his adviser, Phil Smith. As they're entering Opposition Headquarters, Peter and Phil are discussing Emma's relationship with Ollie...and Phil just happens to be Emma's roommate.)'' :'''Peter Mannion:''' Are they actually sleeping together? :'''Phil Smith:''' Yes, yeah. In the flat. :'''Peter:''' Do you think she's on top or, what-what do you hear? :'''Phil:''' Well, I hear her say, "How do you like it?" And he'll say, "I've got to page Tucker." :'''Peter:''' Oh, God. ''(beat)'' Have I shaved properly? It's just we're-we're having the bathroom done and I was in the kitchen this morning using the kettle as a mirror. :'''Phil:''' No, you're very smooth. So it's a chrome kettle, then? :'''Peter:''' You've been watching ''[[wikipedia:CSI|CSI]]'' again, haven't you? :''(As Peter and Phil are walking up the stairs, they are joined by Emma, who is also Peter's advisor.)'' :'''Emma:''' Morning. :'''Phil:''' ''(to Emma)'' Oh, hello. How was sleeping with the enemy? :'''Emma:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Oh, hilarious. I forgot how funny you were. :''(The three of them are nearing the office...)'' :'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' What time are you seeing Stewart? :'''Emma:''' It'll be in about half an hour. What about you? :'''Peter:''' ''(groaning)'' Oh, I'll be last in. He's punishing me for standing against JB in the leadership contest by putting me in the [[wikipedia:Ryanair|Ryanair]] queue. :'''Emma:''' Come on, he got you that terrific photo op with the, uh, wind turbine thing on your house, remember? :'''Peter:''' Yes, and it cost me 12 grand. And I have to pay for the electricity bill to keep the bugger turning because, of course, there's no wind in the valley, I have to plug it in. But my next door neighbor has an England flag that just hangs there limply while my turbine mysteriously whizzes around. :'''Phil:''' Could turn the turbine round so it blows his flag. :''(Peter, Emma and Phil finally sit down.)'' :'''Phil:''' Right. What's up first, then, Peter? :'''Emma:''' While we're here, we could bat a few ideas around. :'''Peter:''' He wants something fluffy for the speech, does he? Environment? Tax breaks for aromatherapists? SatNav for asylum seekers? :'''Phil:''' Well, I was thinking about a departmental blog. :'''Peter:''' ''(groaning again)'' Oh, God. Really? :'''Phil:''' I could actually do the..the writing bit of it, because you wouldn't have time. :'''Peter:''' Well, I mean, I might as well, I've knack all else to do. ''(Peter turns to Phil)'' Though, um...to be honest, you-you sort it out. :'''Phil:''' I thought we could have like a guest book so that, kind of, you know, readers can kind of leave their comments. :'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' Are you sure? Have you ever Googled your own name? It's like opening a door to a room where everyone tells you how shit you are. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm, Jamie and Ollie are walking up the stairs to the offices at Government HQ, discussing Ben Swain.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Where's [[wikipedia:My Little Pony|My Little Phony?]] Ben Swain. What's his ''[[wikipedia:Newsnight|Newsnight]]'' angle gonna be, then? :'''Ollie:''' Ben? Ben is going on Newsnight? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(chuckling)'' Oh, you're a right little West Winger, you, aren't you? They're cutting you out of the loop already? :'''Ollie:''' Well, I'll check who the presenter is and obviously... :'''Jamie:''' The presenter is Newsbot 3.2. He's a nobody. He's a fucking scorch mark. :'''Malcolm:''' Paxo's in Kenya fly-fishing with [[wikipedia:Stephen Fry|Stephen Fry]] or whatever the fuck it is he does. Kirsty is sobering up in Kilmarnock with her gran, so she's out of the picture. :'''Ollie:''' Well, I'll just check the lines with Pat Morrissey, then. And then we'll... :'''Jamie:''' Pat Morrissey? :'''Ollie:''' Yeah. :'''Jamie:''' Her? What, Fat Pat? :'''Ollie:''' Yeah. :'''Jamie:''' "Pumpkin Tits?" :'''Ollie:''' Yeah. Pat and, uh, Communications have asked that everything be double-ticked through her from now. ''(to Malcolm)'' I mean, you get a tick as well. Obviously. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Oh well, well obviously! Yes, that's-that's very very nice and that's very fucking big of them! I get a tick! :'''Ollie:''' So I mean, it's, it's two ticks for a, uh, a green light, basically, that's the system. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(beside himself)'' Pat Morrissey. Communications is full of Nutters these days. :'''Jamie:''' Soon as the PM said he'd be gone inside a year, the Nutters start popping up like [[wikipedia:Melanoma|mela-fucking-noma]]. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' See you later. See you in a tick. :'''Jamie:''' ''(to Ollie)'' What about you? You're not a Nutter, are you? :'''Ollie:''' I-I'm not a Nutter, Jamie. I'm...I'm a nipper. :''(Ollie then bumps into Terri.)'' :'''Ollie:''' Hey, Terri! :'''Terri:''' Hi, Ollie, Happy New Year! :'''Ollie:''' How was Christmas? :'''Terri:''' Oh, you know... :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, I know, yeah. Six pairs of socks, three Harry Potter omnibuses. All that "I thought you were taking the giblets out. Don't give Nan any more Baileys. She's only got the one pad with her." ''(Ollie follows Terri into an office.)'' Every bloody year. :'''Terri:''' Yeah, well, you know, just me and Mum in the care home. :'''Ollie:''' Right. Jesus...So, eh, Ben on ''Newsnight?'' :'''Terri:''' Ben Swain's going on ''Newsnight?'' :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, yeah. Oh, God, thank God you didn't know, either. I thought it was just me. :'''Terri:''' Oh no no no. I did know about that, actually. :'''Ollie:''' Well, why did you say it like that, then? "Ben Swain's going on ''Newsnight?''" :'''Terri:''' You're just out of the loop. I'm very well wired into the Tommists. :'''Ollie:''' ''(laughing)'' Nobody calls them Tommists. They're Nutters, Terri. Nobody calls them Tommists. :'''Terri:''' ''(dead serious)'' I don't like that word. My sister works in mental health. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Ben Swain, the Junior Minister that Ollie is "babysitting," arrives at the office.)'' :'''Ben Swain:''' Morning, all! :'''Terri:''' Benjamin! Happy New Year! :'''Ollie:''' Ben! Big Ben, Ben-Benji, Beno, Benj. :'''Ben:''' Happy New Year to you as well. :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ben)'' These are the briefing notes. :'''Ben:''' Ah, splendid. I'll file these directly in the shredder. Thank you, Glenn. :''(Ben, Glenn and Ollie enter an office.)'' :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ben)'' If you just, uh, stick to what's in there, you'll be all right. Just remember, you're the night watchman, all right? :'''Ben:''' Yes, well, I like to think of myself as more, perhaps, I don't know, an elected MP than a night watchman, Glenn. But thank you very much for everything, I'll be fine without you holding my hand. You enjoy your weekend cottaging in Wales or whatever it is you're up to. :''(Ollie picks up a copy of Ben's upcoming book, which is called, "It's the Everything, Stupid: How to Get Ahead in Modern Politics.")'' :'''Ollie:''' ''(impressed)'' This is looking good. When is it coming out? :'''Ben:''' End of the, end of the week. You'll be able to make the launch party? :'''Terri:''' ''(to Ben)'' Great title. :'''Ben:''' Thank you. :'''Ollie:''' And have you written it yourself or was it ghosted by, uh... :'''Ben:''' By [[wikipedia:Victoria Beckham|Victoria Beckham]]? No, everything in there is entirely-entirely written by me, I think you'll find. Yes. :'''Ollie:''' There you go, you have hidden talents. :'''Ben:''' Anyone heard from "The Hughster?" :'''Terri:''' Yes, he's suffering from jet lag. :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Ben)'' Have you ever been to Australia? :'''Ben:''' No. Why would I want to go there? Full of people in khaki, squinting. Just the world's largest collection of poisonous things. :'''Ollie:''' Oh, yeah. God, yeah. If you want to stick around with poisonous snakes, you might as well stay here. :''(Awkward silence occurs after Ollie's stupid attempt at a joke.)'' :'''Ollie:''' ''(jokingly)'' Throw a blanket on me, I'm on fire. :'''Ben:''' Heh-heh, good. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Before Glenn heads off to Wales, he gives Ollie some last-minute instructions for babysitting Ben.)'' :'''Glenn:''' Listen, Ollie. We may be babysitting a Nutter. He may look like a Womble, but he's got Nutter eyes and Nutter ears. So, keep an eye on him. :'''Ollie:''' All right, the minute any chicken blood turns up on the paperwork, I'll be straight on to you, don't worry. :'''Glenn:''' Right, I'm off to Wales and the late 1950s. :''(Terri blows Glenn a friendly kiss goodbye.)'' :'''Ollie:''' Happy trails. <hr width="50%"/> :''(As Peter is waiting to meet with Stewart -- still -- he has a conversation with Phil about his upcoming holiday.)'' :'''Peter:''' ''(coughing)'' Oh, I can't get rid of this. :'''Phil:''' I bet you're looking forward to your holiday. :'''Peter:''' Well, yeah. I mean, obviously, I'm not flying abroad anywhere, because... :'''Phil:''' Carbon. :'''Peter:''' No, bathroom. I'm supervising the doing up of my bathroom. :'''Phil:''' ''(looking at two lamps)'' What is that? :'''Peter:''' It's just – :'''Phil:''' Is that raffia? :'''Peter:''' He's discovered IKEA, hasn't he? :'''Phil:''' It's all for show. They want to look modern, like they appeal to the kind of people who go to IKEA. :'''Peter:''' I'm modern! I say 'black' instead of 'coloured', I think women are a good thing, I have no problem with gays. Most of them are very well turned out, especially the men. :'''Phil:''' I know. :'''Peter:''' Why is it, this last year, I'm being made to feel as if I'm always two steps behind, like I can't program the video or convert everything back to [[wikipedia:£sd|old money]]? Because that's not me! :'''Phil:''' ''(confused)'' You've still got a video? :'''Peter:''' I'm a one-nation party. :''(And now, it's time to meet Stewart Pearson, the Director of Communications for the Opposition. Stewart and Emma are sharing a laugh as she's leaving his office. Now, Stewart is ready to see Peter.)'' :'''Stewart Pearson:''' ''(smiling)'' Ah, Peter. Dr. Stewart will see you now, hey? I could hear you coughing in there. Is that your contribution to the meeting? :'''Emma:''' ''(to Peter)'' You all right? :'''Peter:''' Yes, okay. You know, it's just hanging around. :'''Stewart:''' Yeah, I'm sorry to keep you hanging about, but you know, right now all the...all the big priority stuff is the big party stuff. :'''Peter:''' I was talking about the cold hanging around. :'''Stewart:''' Oh, right. ''(Stewart heads back into his office.)'' Thanks very much, Em. :''(As Peter goes into Stewart's office for a chat, Phil asks Emma about her meeting.)'' :'''Phil:''' Was that fun there? :'''Emma:''' Yeah, it was useful. :'''Phil:''' Playing with the big boys? :'''Emma:''' Yeah. Now I'm back with the little boys, huh? :'''Phil:''' No. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Stewart and Peter start their chat.)'' :'''Stewart:''' So. How are you, then? :'''Peter:''' ''(nodding)'' Fine, I'm-I'm fine. :'''Stewart:''' Good, superb, because the reason I've asked you in -- I mean, firstly, just to say, "Hi, how are you?"... :'''Peter:''' Still fine. :'''Stewart:''' Then, this photo call this afternoon, "100 Days of the New Leader." We've got you a Paul Smith suit. I did think about Vivienne Westwood or...Well, it was just too expensive. And, oh, and a Ted Baker... ''(Stewart pulls out a pinkish-looking shirt with stripes on it.)'' Ted Baker shirt, right? No tie, we're thinking open-necked look might be good. :'''Peter:''' But I'm already wearing a suit and, controversially, a tie. :'''Stewart:''' Yeah, absolutely, sure. But frankly, you know, it all looks a bit '80s, you know? [[wikipedia:Robert Palmer|Robert Palmer]], Sink the Belgrano, that kind of vibe. We think this is better, it's modern, it's sharp, it's slimming. Try it on. :'''Peter:''' ''(in amused disbelief)'' Is this a joke? :'''Stewart:''' Try the suit on. :''(Moments later, Stewart makes Peter change into a different suit and shirt.)'' :'''Stewart:''' Just wondering whether you're fully conversant with the new line, whether you're really up to speed? :'''Peter:''' Well, I don't know. Am I? Because, uh, I get people stopping me in the streets and saying, 'Are you still for locking up yobbos?', and I say, 'Yeah, of course we are.' And then I think, 'Well, are we?' Because maybe I missed a memo from you. Maybe I should understand yobbos now, or not even call them yobbos, call them 'young men with issues around stabbing.' ''(awkward silence)'' No tie, you say? :'''Stewart:''' No tie. :'''Peter:''' Quite a nice suit, actually. :'''Stewart:''' So, we were thinking...Shirt outside the trousers. :'''Peter:''' Outside? Not tuck my shirt in? :'''Stewart:''' Yeah. :'''Peter:''' I always tuck my shirt in, it's part of getting dressed. What, should I not do my flies up either? Let the old chap flop out. Is that modern enough for you? :'''Stewart:''' Just try it, Peter. Not the cock out, but just the shirt thing. :'''Peter:''' ''(untucking his shirt)'' I'm from a generation of men, Stewart, who tuck their shirts in. I've done it since I was a boy, I was told off for ''not'' doing it. :'''Stewart:''' Oh God, no, you were right. Sorry, no, tuck it in. You look like you've been startled by a fire alarm. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm and Jamie enter Ben's office. Time to discuss Ben's upcoming appearance as Jeremy Paxman's guest on Newsnight.)'' :'''Jamie:''' Mr. Swain. :'''Ben:''' Jamie. :'''Malcolm:''' Good morning, Ben. :'''Ben:''' Morning, Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to 2 office workers)'' Off you two fuck. :''(The 2 workers leave Ben's office.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Right, Ben, heard the big news about [[wikipedia:Jeremy_Paxman|Paxo]]. :'''Ben:''' Oh right. :'''Malcolm:''' What was it you did in your gap year again? :'''Ben:''' Um, Interrailing, month on a kibbutz – :'''Malcolm:''' Did you ever travel, like, 100 miles per hour, head-first through a tunnel full of pig shit? Because that's what's gonna happen to you tonight with Paxman, ''unless'', unless...you listen to us. :'''Jamie:''' He will eat you up, sick you out and grout his fucking wet room with you. :'''Ben:''' Yeah, I have been interviewed on television before, thank you very much. :'''Malcolm:''' Who? :'''Ben:''' [[wikipedia:George_Alagiah|George Alagiah]]. :'''Jamie:''' Yeah? Do you know what they call him? Easy George. :'''Malcolm:''' This is Paxo. What are you gonna do when he pulls that big rubbery horse-face of mock-incredulity at you? :'''Ben:''' Yes, look, we know the cheat codes for Paxman now, don't we? That old aggressive style of his is just old school. All you need to do, you play the honest, the Honest Joe just trying to humbly get your point across and... :'''Jamie:''' ''(pulling up a chair)'' Let's see you do your stuff, Mr. Television, huh? :''(Jamie is pretending to be Jeremy Paxman on Newsnight, asking Ben questions.)'' :'''Jamie:''' ''(As Paxo)'' Immigration is in disarray. What are ''you'' going to do about it? :'''Ben:''' Well, first of all, I would have to take issue with your contention that immigration is in... :'''Jamie:''' Oh, answer the question, you fat fuck! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Phil and Emma are home in their flat -- discussing Ollie.)'' :'''Phil:''' Why the fuck do you have to keep inviting him round here? :'''Emma:''' Oh, are you a bit jealous? :'''Phil:''' Of [[wikipedia:Gerald_Home|the man]] from the Mr Muscle adverts? No, I just think it's just unreasonable that I have to watch what I'm gonna say in my own flat; I mean, you could at least give me warning if he's coming round or something. :'''Emma:''' I tell you what, I'll put a sex grid on the fridge. :'''Phil:''' Oh, yeah. :'''Emma:''' So that you can have dates and stuff: I'll put an A4 piece of paper for me up, and maybe you could have half a post-it note? You could share it with Affers, maybe. :'''Phil:''' Yeah. Have to write really small, though, I've slept with three women in – :'''Ollie:''' ''(returning from the toilet)'' Your life? :'''Phil:''' Yes. :''(Ollie laughs)''<hr width="50%" /> :''(Ollie, Emma, and Phil are watching Ben Swain's [[wikipedia:Newsnight|Newsnight]] interview together. Malcolm, who is also watching from his office, is on the phone to Jamie, who is watching Ben from inside the studio.)'' :'''Emma:''' What's he doing with his eyes? :'''Ollie:''' Oh my God. He's got a nervous blink. :'''Malcolm:''' That's a mega blink! It's not just ''a'' blink. :'''Ollie:''' He looks like what happens when you punch a cow. ''(impersonates a cow mooing in pain)'' :'''Phil:''' Oh my God, this is like watching a lion rape a sheep, but in a bad way. :'''Jamie:''' The cameramen are laughing. :'''Ollie:''' 'J-j-j-j-just'! :'''Emma:''' Stop him, stop him! :'''Ollie:''' He spelled 'just' with four Js! :'''Malcolm:''' He's like a chicken, he's like an enormous chicken! :'''Phil:''' It's just one word he's been saying, which is basically ''(gibberish)''. :'''Jamie:''' Well, what about the coalface? :'''Malcolm:''' Pull it, puncture his lifebelt. Pull it, give him the signal. If he shits, I'll give you 500 quid.<hr width="50%" /> :''(After Ben Swain's interview)'' :'''Ollie:''' Well he certainly looked like a Nutter. :'''Emma:''' He looked like that little guy on the green that shouts 'You're an Arab' at everyone. :'''Phil:''' It's a tough day tomorrow, picking bits of Ben out of Malcolm's car. :'''Ollie:''' He didn't mention the coalface idea. <hr width="50%" /> :'''Jamie:''' ''(to Ben, in the car back from the studio)'' You don't deserve to ''live!'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Peter:''' How is my blog? My own personal blog, personally written by me? :''(they all go to the computer)'' :'''Phil:''' There we go. :'''Emma:''' Oh, brilliant. :'''Phil:''' Yesterday you liked the leader's speech, it was bold and courageous and sent out the right signals, and you had a fruit lunch. :'''Peter:''' Oh, I write very well. What's the feedback like? :'''Phil:''' Pretty good. Let's see on this page here. Here we go. :'''Peter:''' "I don't trust you, you Cypriot crook." :'''Phil:''' What? :'''Peter:''' Cypriot? This is the shit room. You've opened the shit room door. :'''Emma:''' Oh come on, that's not too bad. :'''Peter:''' "How are the maintenance payments going on your bastard?" Christ, that was twelve years ago! :'''Phil:''' I hadn't seen that one. :'''Peter:''' "Adulterous Nazi"? :'''Phil:''' Or that one. :'''Emma:''' That's actually I think the same one. :'''Peter:''' This is the trouble with the public, they're fucking horrible. :'''Emma:''' Peter, you really – you can't say the public are fucking horrible. :'''Peter:''' Yes I can, I've met them. "You've always got such a pained expression. Do you take it up the chutney?" Really? I mean, for God's sake. :'''Emma:''' The chutney? :'''Peter:''' Yes, it's up the arse. :'''Emma:''' See this: I still don't understand why people do this 'h8' thing. If you're going to leave a message, I mean, at least spell it correctly.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Phil:''' What the fuck was that all about? You know, nicking the other lot's ideas? :'''Emma:''' You jumped straight on the bandwagon, you hypocrite. :'''Phil:''' You started it. You know, at least I'm not nicking my boyfriend's ideas. :'''Emma:''' You sanctimonious twat! Jesus, you're not my dad, Phil, even if you do dress like him. :'''Peter:''' ''(knocking from behind glass)'' What's going on? :'''Phil:''' Swain was supposed to flag up the coalface idea last night but he didn't. So Emma nicked it. :'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' Oh, fuck-tastic. Not only was it a shit idea to ruin my holiday, it was a shit idea you stole from the government to ruin my holiday. Good work. :'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' Thanks a lot, [[wikipedia:Supergrass_(informant)|Supergrass]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm''' ''(seeing Ben Swain arrive)'': Oh, here he is. Dead man walking. :'''Jamie:''' ''(impersonating Ben)'' 'I, I, I wish you wouldn't keep saying that, I, I, I –' ''(normal voice)'' What's your favourite band, [[blink-182]]?<hr width="50%" /> :'''Jamie:''' That's not a proper cigar: a proper cigar is those big Cuban whoppers, that's just a jumped-up fag. :'''Malcolm:''' Talking of [[wikipedia:Fagging|which]] – :'''Ollie''' ''(entering)'': Hi. :'''Jamie and Malcolm:''' Hey! :'''Jamie:''' Is it [[wikipedia:Rag_(student_society)#Rag_Week|Rag Week]]? :'''Malcolm:''' Do you fancy a cigar? I promise I won't tell any of the other prefects. :'''Jamie:''' Hand rolled on the thigh of a Cuban virgin with big tits and four kids. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, thanks. Um, Malcolm, I just wondered if I could have a quick word, actually. The opposition have got the Week at the Coalface idea. They're gonna do it. :'''Jamie:''' Who, when? :'''Ollie:''' Peter Mannion, I don't know when. :'''Malcolm:''' How the fuck did they get that? Your fucking girlfriend, Jesus Christ! :'''Jamie:''' You should have dumped that mad bitch ages ago. :'''Ollie:''' Well I would've done! She is mad, she's a mental woman! But you two kept telling me to go out with her and stay going out with her, just in case I found anything out! :'''Jamie:''' Oh, and what did you find out? That you've been leaking intelligence to them? You're the fucking shittest James Bond ever. You're... you're [[wikipedia:David_Niven|David fucking Niven]]! <hr width="50%" /> :'''Malcolm:''' Get him properly fucking screen-tested. I'm sorry mate, but you need a lot of powder, I've never seen anybody look so fucking ugly with just one head. :'''Ben:''' Yeah. No, I lost my islands of safety, didn't I, which is – :'''Malcolm:''' And who was it that did your media training? [[wikipedia:Moors_murders#Myra_Hindley|Myra Hindley]]? I mean, it was terrible, all this – hands were all over the place. You were like a sweaty octopus trying to unhook a bra! It was like watching John Leslie at work! :'''Ben:''' Yes, I know all of that, and it just kind of fell away. God, it was like one of those dreams when you're wandering around [[wikipedia:Covent_Garden|Covent Garden]] or something in just your vest and everyone's staring at you. :'''Jamie:''' I think it was much worse than that, I mean, how many people see you in Covent Garden, a few thousand? Your meltdown was witnessed by 1.2 million people. That's more people than saw [[wikipedia:Al_Jolson|Al Jolson]] in his entire career. And that's Al fucking Jolson! :'''Malcolm:''' He loves Al Jolson. :'''Jamie:''' The Governor! :'''Ollie:''' '[[wikipedia:My_Mammy|Maaammy]].' :'''Jamie:''' You take the piss out of Jolson again, and I will remove your [[iPod]] from its tiny nano-sheath, and push it up your ''cock!'' And then I'll plug some speakers up your arse, and put it onto shuffle with my fucking fist! And every time I hear something that I don't like, which will be every time that something comes on, I will skip to the next track ''(to Ben)'' by crushing ''your balls!'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' Oh, sorry! Do you know what, maybe you should dump Peter and go out with Ollie. :'''Ollie:''' Well, it wouldn't be any more disastrous than our relationship, would it, hey? :'''Emma:''' Christ, Ollie, well if it's been such a fucking disaster, why didn't you break up with me sooner? :'''Ollie:''' Well, if it had been up to me I would have broken up with you sooner! :'''Emma:''' If it had been up t– Oh, OK – This is Malcolm, isn't it? Malcolm has been pimping you out! You fucking sad little – :'''Phil:''' ''(laughing)'' That's funny. :'''Ollie and Emma:''' Fuck you, Phil! :'''Phil:''' Oh, suddenly ''I'm'' the bad guy again. :'''Ollie:''' Go and read your blog, nerd boy! I'm going. This is the point where I go. :'''Phil:''' Wow. That point actually exists. Incredible. :'''Ollie:''' I will be so ''not'' sorry not ever to have to talk to you again, you massive floppy blonde tit! I hope your blog gets done for libel and you get knobbed in prison by men. And – ''(to Emma)'' it is over, you self-serving, crypto-fascist, horse-loving, posh, weekend-at-Daddy's, vacuous nothing! ''(leaves)'' :'''Emma:''' Fuck you, Ollie, and put your keys on the side! :'''Phil:''' He's got keys? <hr width="50%"/> :''(looking at a newspaper story with the headline "Silly Tucker: Was web of filth spun by Downing Street 'Spiderman'?")'' :'''Malcolm''' ''(on the phone)'': The story isn't me, Glenn, OK? Nobody is interested in me and I'll be pleased if you'd remember that, OK? :'''Glenn''' ''(at his sister's Welsh cottage)'': You sure you don't want me and Hugh to come back? We could give you some cover. :'''Malcolm:''' Hugh is not coming back: it would look like we're panicking, and we're not panicking. But I need ''you'' back here fucking ASAP to let them know that we're not panicking. :'''Glenn:''' So you want me to interrupt ''my'' holiday in a panic, so that Hugh doesn't have to interrupt ''his'' holiday and look like he's panicking? :'''Malcolm:''' You get back here! I wanna see you popping a bollock for me! ''(hangs up)'' :'''Jamie:''' ''(walking in, holding up the same 'Silly Tucker' story)'' You seen this? :'''Malcolm:''' No, I haven't seen that. I'm the senior press guy for the Government of Great Britain and Northern Ireland. No, I don't look at the newspapers, that's fucking news to me. :'''Jamie:''' All right, all right. What are we doing? :'''Malcolm:''' What are we doing? Fuck all, we're not doing nothing, all right, because I am not the story here. :'''Jamie:''' Well, no, you kind of are the story, Malc: they spelt your name right and everything. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' You take this and this, and you put it onto your bird's breasts, and you rub them and squeeze them very very gently, you get her into the sack, you bang her fucking brains out, you make sure that she cums, and you just give her the policy! :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, but I chucked her, and not in a kind of, you know, 'It's not you, it's me' sort of way, more in a 'It ''is'' you, you hideous vacuous [[Sloane Ranger|Sloane]] bitch from hell' kind of scorched-earth kind of – :'''Malcolm:''' I'm really not interested at all in your little tiff. Get round there, take your Barry White album and your lube and your fucking policy folder. :'''Ollie:''' Malcolm, this is really crossing the line here – :'''Malcolm:''' Don't start with the moral objections, you fucking [[wikipedia:Blue_Peter_badge|Blue Peter badge]]-wearing ponce! Go and make a contribution to fucking Amnesty International, go and buy a goat the whole village can fuck! But you are doing this for me. :'''Ollie:''' Malcolm, you're bullying me, and, you know, I don't know why you're bullying me, you're – :'''Malcolm:''' How dare you? How dare you! Don't you ever, ''ever'', call me a bully. I'm so much worse than that. Do it. OK? Wash your hands. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Peter:''' Do I know you? Oh, don't you work for somebody famous? Er, Malcolm [[wikipedia:Hamish_Macbeth|Hamish MacDeath]]? :'''Jamie:''' It's, er, Peter Onion, isn't it? :'''Peter:''' Hah! That's right. :'''Jamie:''' I always forget, were you the forced abortion or the love child? Or the guy who asphyxiated himself with a kiwi? :'''Peter:''' Just the love child: I was the quiet one. :'''Phil:''' Like [[wikipedia:John_Deacon|John Deacon]] in Queen. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Terri''' ''(on her phone)'': Well I might as well call myself on unofficial leave now: nothing will happen for the next three weeks, absolutely zero. I'm gonna book that holiday. Yeah, well, I mean, all they'll be doing, they'll be bobbing about like emperor penguins trying to swap over an egg. <hr width="50%"/> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Jamie:''' Is your department looking at a 10 million overspend? Yes, or no? :'''Ben:''' Well, I don't have the figures to hand, but all I can say is that if there has been an overspend or a perceived overspend within this department, then certainly I think I've – ''(sees Jamie mime fellatio)'' He's not gonna do that, is he? :'''Malcolm:''' Oh yes, he will, and he will do a lot more. Jazz hands, he'll be touching you up under the table, he's got all the tricks. :'''Ben:''' No he won't! Fuck off, Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' You, listen. First things first: you need some interruption lines, yeah? Something that you can throw in. :'''Ben:''' All right: how about, er, 'I will answer the questions in the order you asked them, Jeremy'. :'''Jamie:''' That makes you sound like a smug Oxbridge twat. Oh, I know you are, but ''everyone'' doesn't need to know. <hr width="50%"/> :''(deleted scene)'' :''(while watching Ben Swain on Newsnight)'' :'''Ollie:''' Still, at least Hugh will be pleased. :'''Phil:''' Yeah, he'll be thrilled, I'm sure! His department on the rack, he'll be like, 'Hey, Ollie, thanks for running the department, although it seems to have all turned to shit!' You're like the man with the [[wikipedia:Midas#Golden_Touch|Midas touch]], except instead of everything you touch turning to gold, it turns to shit. You're like the man with the shit touch. Shitfinger. :'''Ollie:''' Shouldn't you be online pretending to be a Hobbit, eh? Trying to get a date with a lady Hobbit, but failing? :'''Phil:''' Shitfinger. <hr width="50%"/> :''(deleted scene)'' :''(seeing Ben Swain arrive)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Oh hey, hello, here he is! The walk of shame. :'''Jamie:''' You never told us you had epilepsy of the eyes. Was that a sweat, or were you crying? :'''Malcolm:''' Have I seen you on the telly? :'''Ben:''' ''(laughs)'' Yeah. [[wikipedia:Blockbusters_(British_game_show)|Blockbuster]], 1991, I got a Gold Run. :'''Malcolm:''' You know what, I have never seen anyone sweat so much in my life. And I've had a sauna with [[Luciano Pavarotti|Pavarotti]]! I know that politicians and hot air are supposed to go together, but I've never actually seen one vapourise! :'''Ben:''' Can I get you two fellows a drink? :'''Malcolm:''' An orange juice, yeah, yes. :'''Ben:''' Jamie? :'''Jamie:''' Oh, I'll have a pint of 'Fuck right off and die, you miserable fucking tosser'. Do they do that in here? :'''Malcolm:''' He's a wee bit disappointed. :'''Jamie:''' We'll get you on [[wikipedia:Newsround|Newsround]] next time. You reflected badly on me, and I don't like that. :'''Ben:''' Oh come on, Jamie, look, I'll get you a drink and then we'll – :'''Jamie:''' DO YOU WANT A FUCKING SPLINTER GLASS FACIAL? I'm not pretending to hate you here, I actually fucking hate you! I'm not playing a fucking game. Fuck off! ''(leaves)'' :'''Malcolm:''' He trained as a priest. :'''Ben:''' Really? Yeah, he'd be fantastic, I'd confess everything to him. <hr width="50%"/> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Where are you tonight? 'Cause you're not here. What, no invitation for number one party animal, Julius [[Pete Doherty]] Nicholson? :'''Julius:''' Who's Peter O'Doherty? :'''Malcolm:''' Stop trying to joke, OK? Don't joke, you are not funny, Julius, you're about as funny as a blind toddler in a fucking minefield. <hr width="50%"/> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Glenn''' ''(in his sister's Welsh cottage, on the phone)'': Ah, Malcolm. Terri's just rung about the wankers' announcement, and I thought you'd want to know, Hugh's on the way to the airport, but do you want me to definitely tell him to get on the plane? :'''Malcolm:''' No, it's too fucking late. What's he gonna do, come and shadow the shadow of DoSAC shadowing him? Show him where the bogs are? :'''Glenn:''' Yeah, but you told me to tell him to come home. :'''Malcolm:''' Did I? :'''Glenn:''' Yeah! :'''Ollie''' ''(in Malcolm's office, on the phone)'': Right, Hugh, hi. Er, no, I don't think you're going to be wanted back here. :'''Malcolm:''' What is the problem? :'''Ollie:''' He's on some road somewhere where he can't do a U-turn for about five miles or something. :'''Malcolm:''' Good! I like to know that I can still make him miserable even though he's 12,000 miles away. ==Spinners and Losers== :''(Amidst all the chaos swirling after the announcement of the PM's surprise resignation, Ollie's cell phone rings. It's Angela Heaney.)'' :'''Ollie:''' ''(answering his phone)'' Angela, hello. :'''Angela:''' Ollie. How are you? :'''Ollie:''' I am tickets-fuckety-boo, thank you very much. :'''Angela:''' Sorry? :'''Ollie:''' Tickets-fuckety-boo. It's just something that Ben says. :'''Angela:''' Are you and Ben Swain big buds, then? :'''Ollie:''' Well, you know...Just, could you... :''(Ollie has to get away from Glenn, because Glenn is talking to Hugh on his cell phone.)'' :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Angela)'' Hang on just a second... :''(Ollie walks away from the action...and then resumes his conversation with Angela.)'' :'''Ollie:''' ''(in a quieter voice)'' Things are just a little bit fluid here and Glenn's not really a big Ben fan. Ben Swain obviously, not the clock. Well, it's not the clock, is it? It's the bell that's called Big Ben. :'''Angela:''' So go on, tell me: Who else is running? :'''Ollie:''' ''(in the men's toilets)'' Well, no one. No one's gonna stand against Tom now, surely, it's going to be unopposed. ''(Starts using the urinal)'' They'll be rebranding him as we speak, I would imagine: new hair, [[wikipedia:Ted_Baker|Ted Baker]] teeth, all the modern trappings of your political leader – :'''Angela:''' Ollie! Are you pissing? :'''Ollie:''' Er no, that's the flush of the automatic urinals, it's a gentlemen's lavatory. :'''Angela:''' I don't want to talk to you while you're holding your penis. :'''Ollie:''' Well, that's not what you used to say, Angela. :'''Angela:''' Er, yes it is. :'''Ollie:''' No, well – actually it is precisely what you used to say. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' Has anybody seen Jamie? :'''Glenn:''' Why, have you lost him? :'''Ollie:''' Oh, don't tell me he's gone feral, 'cause he was fucking terrifying when you had him on the leash! :'''Malcolm:''' Let's not overreact. :'''Ollie:''' Easy for ''you'' to say, he threatened to shove an iPod up my cock! :'''Malcolm:''' But you get that a lot, though, don't you? :<hr width="50%" />''(discussing Dan Miller)'' :'''Glenn:''' You don't think he's got a chance, do you? :'''Ollie:''' Nah, he's just a droid, isn't he? He's just – ''(makes robotic noises and gestures)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(lecturing Ollie)'' Hey hey hey hey. Don't-don't-don't let him hear you doing that sort of stuff. What happens if he does stand a chance, eh? He'll fuck you harder than [[wikipedia:Ron_Jeremy|Ron Jeremy]], and with less warmth. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Meanwhile, at the Daily Mail's headquarters, Adam Kenyon, the editor-in-chief at the mail, is discussing the news of who's standing for leadership with Angela.)'' :'''Adam Kenyon:''' Right, Geoff Holhurst? :'''Angela:''' Yeah. :'''Adam:''' Right, Ollie's our source on this, is he? Ollie Reeder? [[wikipedia:Deep_Throat_(Watergate)|Shallow Throat]]? Brilliant. :'''Angela:''' Yeah, I know you don't rate him. :'''Adam:''' You can say that again. Ollie Reeder is, to quote [[wikipedia:Bobby Kennedy|Robert F. Kennedy]], a complete fucking spazmaloid. Plus you know how Geoff Holhurst photographs: it looks like his body's in the foreground and his head is really really far away, he looks fucking weird. Just something solid, all right? Otherwise our front page is gonna be an interview with [[wikipedia:Janet_Street-Porter|Janet Street-Porter]] on why she hasn't been asked to be Prime Minister and a giant fucking Sudoku. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Downstairs at Number 10, Malcolm has an awkward run-in with Cliff Lawton.)'' :'''Cliff:''' Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' Elvis! Sorry, sorry. Cliff, Cliff. Where are you off to? :'''Cliff:''' I'm actually off to, uh, to see an old colleague, you know, from the old days, from, uh...before you asked me to resign. :'''Malcolm:''' Oh, lovely, lovely. Well, look, I'd love to stop and chat to you, but you know, I'd rather have Type 2 diabetes. :'''Cliff Lawton:''' Yes, fuck you, Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, Happy New Year. <hr width="50%"/> :''(As Malcolm enters his office, he finds, to his surprise -- or is it dismay? -- Geoff Holhurst. Geoff stands up to greet Malcolm.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Right. Hi, Geoff, don't stand. :'''Geoff:''' Oh. ''(Geoff sits back down)'' :'''Malcolm:''' No, no, I mean, "Don't stand against Tom." Now do you see what I did there? I was both being funny and also deadly serious. :'''Geoff:''' Yeah, now where did you hear that, Malcolm? I'm not standing. :'''Malcolm:''' Never mind where I heard it from. The thing is, Geoff... ''(Malcolm sits down in his chair)'' You're gonna waste everybody's time. :'''Geoff:''' I'm not standing, Malcolm. I'm just trying to start a debate, you know, a policy debate, about the future direction of the party and of the government. :'''Malcolm:''' Because first, you've got no credentials. I mean, you're so back bench you've actually fucking fallen off. You're out by the fucking bins where I put you. :'''Geoff:''' Hello? Are you listening to me? I'm not standing. :'''Malcolm:''' Secondly, I'm gonna tell the Mirror about all the drinking. :'''Geoff:''' ''(laughing)'' I'm not drinking. :'''Malcolm:''' And thirdly, I'm gonna tell the Mail about the affair. And fourthly, you've got a tiny head. :'''Geoff:''' ''(offended)'' No I haven't! :'''Malcolm:''' Yes you have. It's out of proportion, everybody mentions it. :'''Geoff:''' Look... :'''Malcolm:''' See? You're shaking it, and I can hardly see it move. Are you shaking it now? Are you shaking it now? I can't tell. :'''Geoff:''' I'm not standing, okay? My head is the right size, all right? :'''Malcolm:''' It is very petite. So you're not standing... :'''Geoff:''' No. :'''Malcolm:''' Right? You will not stand against Tom. :'''Geoff:''' I've said. I've bloody said. :'''Malcolm:''' Okay, thank you, Geoff. Let's go. Arriva-fucking-derci. ''(Geoff gets up from his chair, and he and Malcolm shake hands.)'' Let's have lunch sometime, yeah? We'll have a tete-a-tiny-tete. :'''Geoff:''' ''(leaving the office)'' Jesus... <hr width="50%"/> :''(And now, Nick Hanway, a government press relations officer, is entering his way into Malcolm's office.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(seeing Nick enter)'' Oh, Nice Nutter Nick! :'''Nick Hanway:''' What was all that about? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(standing up again)'' Just, you know, putting out a fire. :'''Nick:''' Definitely out? :'''Malcolm:''' Definitely out. Pissed out. Steam and cinders, pal. Does Tom know you're here? :'''Nick:''' Yeah, of course, yeah. :'''Malcolm:''' So how's the rebrand going? :'''Nick:''' Okay, we've, um, booked him for a photo op on Tuesday. He's taking the family to a Harvester. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(chuckling)'' Oh, Jesus Christ, really? :'''Nick:''' Yeah. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(jokingly as a reporter)'' "Have you been to a Harvester before, Prime Minister?" ''(and now as Tom)'' "No, in fact, I've never actually been outside the fucking house with my family before." :'''Nick:''' Anyway, um, look...do you know the name of the bod who's booked to go on ''Today'' in the morning? :'''Malcolm:''' Sure, yeah. Do ''you'' know? :'''Nick:''' Yeah, we just found out. So -- ''you'' know who it is? :'''Malcolm:''' Well, of course ''I'' know. I mean, there's nothing that you know that I don't know. I'm Dr. Fucking Know. :'''Nick:''' Who is it? :'''Malcolm:''' Is this, are you...Are you testing me now? Is it, 'cause I mean, I could test you. I mean, we could have a big match or testostethon. I mean, how do I know that you've got the fucking name, anyway? :'''Nick:''' Because Hugo at ''Today'' told us. :'''Malcolm:''' Right. :''(A bit of a pause...)'' :'''Nick:''' So what name have you got? :'''(Another hide-and-seek pause...)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Dan Miller. :'''Nick:''' Oh, okay, so you do know. :'''Malcolm:''' Of course I fucking do. :'''Nick:''' Look, um, Tom's announcing his team in the morning, and I've just got to stop Dan Miller announcing his team two hours before we announce ours, so...if you want to get on the bus, that's... :'''Malcolm:''' That is my mission? You, Mr. Nutty Bar, have given me a task? Jesus Christ, who the fuck does Tom think he is? :'''Nick:''' The next Prime Minister of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, Malcolm. :''(And with that cool, steely-eyed shot, Nick gets ready to leave Malcolm's office...but Malcolm isn't done with Nick yet.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Nick. ''(beat)'' Tell the mighty fucking Tom that his transition will be as smooth as a Brazilian's fuckh-- :''(But just before Malcolm can finish his comeback retort to Nick, Jamie enters the office from out of nowhere and interrupts the party.)'' :'''Jamie:''' ''(to Malcolm and Nick)'' Oh! [[wikipedia:Trinny_and_Susannah|Trinny ''and'' Susannah]]! Well I'm sorry to burst into your little fucking boutique, but you've got a fight on your hands. That's all I'm saying. I'm backing a rival candidate, ''(to Malcolm)'' so fuck you, ''(to Nick)'' and fuck you and your Nutter coronation 'cause it ain't happening. :'''Nick:''' So you're backing Dan Miller, are you? :'''Jamie:''' No, I'm not backing Dan Miller! Don't you fucking ever ask me a question again! :'''Malcolm:''' Fatty? :'''Jamie:''' Oh aye, Fatty, yeah, wee Spider-Man pyjamas, fucking idiot. From now on, it's a proper fight: it's a pub fight, [[wikipedia:Motherwell|Motherwell]] rules, and Tom is gonna get a pint glass in his fucking eye, and a pool cue up his arse, and another pool cue in his other fucking eye! :'''Malcolm:''' Geoff Holhurst. :'''Jamie:''' Oh, what, Mr Baby New Potato Head? Fuck off. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Jamie is backing Cliff Lawton for leadership. And now, Jamie and Cliff are traveling in a car, discussing strategy.)'' :'''Jamie:''' Are you a horse? :'''Cliff:''' ''(confused)'' Sorry? :'''Jamie:''' Are you a fucking horse? :'''Cliff:''' Um, I don't...I don't know what you mean. What? :'''Jamie:''' Are you a fucking horse? :'''Cliff:''' Okay, no, I'm not a horse. :'''Jamie:''' Are you sure? :'''Cliff:''' I'm sure. :'''Jamie:''' You've got a pretty fucking horsey face -- and a bit of a horsey wife. Are you a fucking horse? Are you? :'''Cliff:''' Okay, leaving the wife aside... :'''Jamie:''' Are you a horse? :'''Cliff:''' No... :'''Jamie:''' EXACTLY! :'''Cliff:''' I can categorically say that I am not a horse. :'''Jamie:''' Exactly, you are not a fucking horse. You are no horse, and you are not a [[wikipedia:Stalking horse|stalking horse]]. ''You'' are the real thing. :'''Cliff:''' ''(nodding in agreement)'' Oh, right. :'''Jamie:''' And we are going to ''ram'' you up Tom's are so hard that he has to shit out of his lying mouth. :'''Cliff:''' It's not a very nice image, really, is it? ''(beat)'' But it's very motivating. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Glenn:''' And then, Liam said that someone suggested that Tom should go on ''[[wikipedia:Strictly_Come_Dancing|Strictly Come Dancing]]''. :'''Ollie:''' He can barely even walk properly. He looks like he shat himself the whole time. :'''Glenn:''' He often has. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm''' ''(to Robyn)'': You are going to ''bury'' this Watford arseache tonight, OK? 'Cause tomorrow morning, from broadsheets to wank rags, I want page one, two and three to be a profile of Tom looking like a fucking political colossus, you know: Tom meeting the Pope, Tom in an NHS hospital chatting to little, baldie kiddies. I want pages four and five to be a timeline of the last few years in British politics with ''me'' at the centre, looking fucking indispensable, and fucking benign. And I want page six to be fucking – ''Israel'' or some bullshit, not a fucking DOSAC, DIPSHIT, LEGACY-DISTRACTING COCK-UP! :'''Robyn:''' Right, um, Jamie. Look, I just have to say at this point that I do find him just a little bit frightening. :'''Malcolm:''' Relax, he has never hit anyone. Or at least, anyone he has hit has never had the balls to take it to a superior. ''(Robyn still looks terrified)'' It's a fucking joke. It's a joke, OK? The man is a professional, you will be fine. :'''Glenn:''' Actually, Malcolm? We still have no word on Dan Miller. I mean, he's gone dark, he's not answering his phone – :'''Malcolm:''' Maybe he's in a hotel with his own huddle. Ring around, try and find him. :'''Glenn:''' What, ring every hotel in London and ask if Dan Miller's booked in? :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah! Although he could be using an assumed name. :'''Glenn:''' So you want me to ring round every hotel in London, and ask if anyone, of any name, has booked in? :'''Malcolm:''' Well it will keep you busy, you know, you need to keep the mind active at your age.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Jamie:''' OK, the line is: [[wikipedia:Wildcat_strike_action|wildcat walkout]], we'll be talking to the unions, it's too early to comment. Off the record: er, union Neanderthals with brains the size of children's bogies couldn't take the heat of Hugh Abbot's ring-stinging, shit-hot, public sector reforms, but he's flying back like Harrison Ford with a big whip in one hand and a skinny latte in the other and he's gonna whip six shades of shit out of them and save the world, OK? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' ''(on the phone to Jamie)'' There is a glacier of shit at DoSAC! I need you over here, with a fucking blowtorch, right now! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jamie:''' Nobody gives a shit if you got shafted by Malcolm. :'''Cliff:''' ''I'' will never, ever forgive him for what he did to me. :'''Jamie:''' Jesus, this isn't ''[[w:EastEnders|EastEnders]]!'' This is politics! We're all in the same plague pit, Cliff, there's no clean hands! :''(Jamie's cell phone rings)'' :'''Cliff:''' All right – :'''Jamie:''' ''(answering the phone)'' Yeah? :'''Malcolm:''' Jamie! What's that sort of droning noise in the background, then? :'''Cliff:''' Look, okay, here's a more positive approach, right, I'll try this. ''(reads from his speech)'' :'''Malcolm:''' It's a kind of boring, kind of low sort of droning, boring, kind of miserable whining, boring kind of, sort of boring noise going on? :'''Jamie:''' Yeah, well, you've got it wrong, yeah? :'''Malcolm:''' Cliff fucking Lawton. Hey, nice. Was the Cillit Bang guy not available? :'''Jamie:''' Fuck you. ''(hangs up)'' :'''Cliff:''' ... To put it simply, I'm back! :'''Jamie:''' Oh fuck off, Cliff. :'''Cliff:''' Sorry? :'''Jamie:''' Fuck off! You're a busted flush! You're not gonna be Prime Minister, you're not gonna be anything, so fuck off. :'''Cliff:''' This is your thing, isn't it? Everything has to be an absolute, everything has to be black and white! You know: 'I love you, fuck off!' There are lots of shades of grey, you know! :'''Jamie:''' Oh, I know that, I'm looking at fifteen of them right now. See you later, no-mark. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' You've got this bullshit Watford story covered, yeah? :'''Jamie:''' Yeah. :'''Malcolm:''' You and I will have a little discussion later. :'''Jamie:''' Yeah. I think Watford will get bumped by the fact that we're about to hand the nuclear codes to a guy who, every now and then, loses it so bad he needs satnav to find his own nipples. :'''Malcolm:''' What are you talking about? :'''Jamie:''' Well, I just thought it was fair to let everyone know about the Tom rumours, you know. How the guy that's about to become Prime Minister chugs antidepressants like they're fucking [[wikipedia:Smint|Smints]]. How the Black Dog humps his leg and shits in his duvet every four months; I ''think'' that will bump the Watford walkout. :'''Malcolm:''' You've gone fucking psycho son, fucking psycho! ''(leaves)'' TWAT!<hr width="50%"/> :'''Ollie:''' ''(answering his mobile)'' Hello. :'''Malcolm:''' Right, what's the plan? :'''Ollie:''' Well, they don't have a plan. :'''Malcolm:''' Okay, well perhaps you should give them one. :'''Ollie:''' Well, yes, fantastic, actually, Malc, because obviously I have a very suitable one tattooed on the underside of my scrotum, so why don't we use that – :'''Malcolm:''' Shut it, you're using up all the minutes on my 'talk till you get head cancer' tariff! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ben Swain:''' What do you think? :'''Nick Hanway:''' Hmm – To be honest, I was really hoping that was going to be shit, because I'm tired and I'd quite like to hit someone. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' Are you in on this? :'''Jamie:''' I'm not leaving it to you, eh? You couldn't organise a bum-rape in a barracks. :'''Malcolm:''' Au contraire.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Jamie:''' What we're having here is a secret conversation, and I'm hoping that this time you can keep the fucking secret, because normally you're about as secure as a hymen in a South London [[wikipedia:Comprehensive_school|comprehensive]]. :'''Terri:''' Yep, well done: that's offensive on a number of levels in a very concise way.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Angela Heaney:''' They've ditched Ballentine. :'''Adam Kenyon:''' What? Already? :'''Angela Heaney:''' Yeah. :'''Adam Kenyon:''' What the fuck is wrong with these people? I mean, what is this, potential leader speed dating? Right, who ''is'' standing? :'''Angela Heaney:''' I dunno. :'''Adam Kenyon''' ''(to another journalist working on a Ballentine story)'': Well, ditch that for a starter, get rid of her, I can't stand her fucking face. :'''Angela Heaney:''' You know, I think you should eat something. :'''Adam Kenyon:''' Oh right, yeah! Eat something, that'd be right, wouldn't it? You know what, our coverage so far has either been wrong or guesswork, which was wrong. So all we have now is a story-shaped hole! :'''Angela Heaney:''' Seriously, your blood sugar's low. :'''Adam Kenyon:''' Right. :'''Angela Heaney:''' Makes you very irritable. :'''Adam Kenyon:''' No, what makes me very irritable, Angela, is having ''no'' fucking stories and having to fill an entire newspaper with just fucking prepositions! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' And obviously if you do think about running with this pills story – :'''Adam Kenyon:''' Yeah. :'''Malcolm:''' I will personally fucking eviscerate you, right? :'''Adam Kenyon:''' Right. :'''Malcolm:''' And I mean, I don't have your education, I don't know what that means, but I will start by ripping your cock off and I'll busk it from there, okay? :'''Adam Kenyon:''' Good, thank you, again. :'''Malcolm:''' Talk to you later. :'''Adam Kenyon:''' Cheers. Bye bye now. ''(Hangs up. To Angela)'' He's a nice guy.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Jamie:''' ''(to Terri and Robyn)'' Oh hey, Desperate Housewives, have you found out who's leaking yet? :'''Glenn:''' I have. It's Julius! He's just told me – :'''Jamie:''' Wait, no, what – That – Julius? :'''Glenn:''' Yeah. :'''Jamie:''' ''Nicholson?'' That baldy PUSSY? Well, I tell you, if he thinks he's leaking now, wait to see him when I'm finished with him: he'll look like fucking [[wikipedia:The_Passion_of_the_Christ|Mel Gibson's Jesus]]! FUCK! FUCK, FUCK! FUCK!<hr width="50%" /> :'''Julius:''' Why don't I get something in? A man cannot live on Jaffa Cakes alone, obviously. I've tried.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Malcolm''' ''(to Ben)'': I'm just gonna go make some nuisance calls, I'll see you in about half a – Stop fucking blinking! Or I will take your optic nerve and strangle you with it. OK. You look after him, Ollie, OK? He's a very important man. Cock like a caber.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Adam Kenyon:''' What's the news, just – :'''Angela Heaney:''' What? :'''Adam Kenyon:''' Just tell me what the fucking news is and I'll put it on the front page. It's not like we're ''[[wikipedia:The_Independent|The Independent]]'', we can't just stick a headline saying 'Cruelty' and then stick a picture of a dolphin or a whale underneath it. I mean, that's just fucking cheating, that's rubbish. :'''Angela Heaney:''' Well, what I'm hearing is Ben Swain. :'''Adam Kenyon:''' Ben Swain? :'''Angela Heaney:''' Yeah. :'''Adam Kenyon:''' Right, I literally don't know who he is. I'm not being stupid or anything, but I physically don't know who Ben Swain is. He could be the leader of the Special Boat Squadron – :'''Angela Heaney:''' Service. :'''Adam Kenyon:''' The [[wikipedia:Special_Boat_Service|Special Boat Service]] or whatever it's fucking called, and this could be a massive coup. :'''Angela Heaney:''' Ben Swain is what I'm hearing. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' The good news, however, is that the – well, the Tom wobble, it's over. :'''Ben Swain:''' And so the – :'''Malcolm:''' That's great, isn't it? :'''Ben Swain:''' Yeah! Why is – So what, he's not wobbling, he's – What does that mean? :'''Malcolm:''' Well, it means that all the rats are now returning to a ''very'' buoyant ship and they're playing deck tennis, so that's lovely, isn't it? :'''Ben Swain:''' What does that mean for me, then? :'''Malcolm:''' I guess that means that you're standing in the chamber of the House of Commons with your big flaccid dick hanging out with a 'vote for me' sticker on the end. :'''Ben Swain:''' But you said I had a chance! About half an hour ago you said I was in with a shot! :'''Malcolm:''' Don't fucking gi– Look, half an hour ago you ''were'' in with a shot! This is half an hour hence! We've fucking time-travelled, yes? We're in a weird and wonderful world, where everything is different. Maybe outside, the polar ice caps have melted. Maybe there's fucking robots knocking about and [[wikipedia:Davina_McCall|Davina McCall]]'s the new Pope. Maybe, you can download ''rice!'' I want you right now to think about ''your'' future, okay? Think about what you are doing, get yourself back on the train to fucking Tomsville pronto, yeah? ''(walking out)'' Half an hour ago. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' What's that, cricket? That's the English equivalent of sport, isn't it? No actual physical contact, just glaring. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jamie:''' Nicholson! NICHOLSON! The immigration shit. It was you, wasn't it? You mimsy bastard Quisling leak ''fuck!'' :'''Julius:''' Sorry, what are you talking about? :'''Jamie:''' Yeah yeah yeah, you will be sorry, you inflatable cock. You fucking sold us out, didn't you? DENY IT! :'''Julius:''' Well, James, I can't deny something until I have the actual charge presented to me – :'''Jamie:''' ''(impersonating Julius)'' 'Oh oh oh, the actual charge.' ''(normal voice)'' You mean apart from the charge you're gonna get when I clamp jump leads to your baldy bollocks? Okay, okay, okay! You, Julius Nicholson, being of sound mind, but with a body that looks like a giant sex toy, did knowingly do us up the shithole, by passing confidential information to the enemy! And I am gonna have your guts as a skipping rope, and your lungs sun-dried and turned into a little fucking waistcoat! :'''Julius:''' James, technically it was not a leak, because firstly it's not confidential infor– :'''Malcolm:''' Eat that prawn. Eat that fucking prawn. :'''Julius:''' I'm not eating prawns, Malcolm, I'm on – I'm just telling you – :'''Malcolm:''' Eat that prawn. ''(throws a slice of pizza at Julius)'' Eat a bit of fucking pizza. :'''Julius:''' Don't be stupid. Malcolm – :'''Malcolm:''' Eat another prawn. ''(throws a prawn)'' :'''Julius:''' Stop it! :'''Malcolm:''' ''(throws more food)'' Have some fucking chow mein! :'''Julius:''' Malcolm – :'''Jamie:''' Here, stuff it in his fucking head! Stuff it in his big baby head! :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie, who has just returned with some cheese)'' Get that fucking cheese over there! :'''Jamie:''' EAT THE CHEESE! :'''Julius:''' I don't want the cheese, stop it! :'''Glenn:''' Go on, have some! :'''Jamie:''' ''(throwing food at Julius)'' EAT THE CHEESE! EAT THE FUC– :'''Julius:''' ''(being pelted by Malcolm and Ollie)'' This isn't funny, this is an expensive suit! James, just – :'''Jamie:''' Fuck! :'''Julius:''' What the ''fuck'' are you doing, mate? ''(runs out of the door)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Hey hey hey, right! :'''Jamie:''' EAT THE FUCKING CHEESE! ''(chasing after Julius)'' EAT THE CHEESE, NICHOLSON! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Glenn:''' Fucking ''hell!'' Fuck! Jesus. I'm not a joke, okay? All right? Hello? I am a man! I am a man, you know? You know?! This... THIS...! THIS IS MY LIFE! I'M A HUMAN BEING, AND ALL THIS IS MY LIFE! And it's collapsing in front of me! You know, Tom's lot, they're never gonna want me, are they? And fucking Hugh, now he – Jesus Christ, this is all...! ''I AM A MAN!'' And – :'''Terri:''' I know, listen – :'''Glenn:''' No you don't – :'''Terri:''' I do! :'''Glenn:''' I'm irrelevant! No no, go away, I'm irrelevant, I'm irrelevant, I'm irrelevant. :'''Terri:''' Glenn, Glenn, Glenn – :'''Glenn:''' FUCKING HUGH JUST WANTS TO SPEAK TO [[wikipedia:Teletubbies#Characters|TINKY WINKY]]?! WELL, ''FUCK'' TINKY WINKY! FUCK YOU, TINKY WINKY! [[Auf Wiedersehen, Pet|Auf Wiedersehen Pet]], the party's over, [[wikipedia:Goodbye_Yellow_Brick_Road|Goodbye Yellow Brick Road]]! WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT HITLER?! WELL, HE HAD A MOUSTACHE AND HE LIVED OVER THERE! FUCK US ALL! <hr width="50%" /> :'''Malcolm''' ''(receives an alert on his phone)'': Oh, I've been summoned to the breakfast meeting, to talk to Tom about this morning: some details about Claire Ballentine, maybe; Geoff Holhurst; young Benjamin here. :'''Nick Hanway:''' Fuck you very much, you unscrupulous bastard. :'''Malcolm:''' Scruples? Scruples, what are they? Is that those low-fat [[wikipedia:Kettle_Foods|Kettle Chips]]? OK people, wake up and smell the cock! Hey Ben, next time that you wanna stab Caesar, make sure you're not holding a fucking plastic spoon. <hr width="50%"/> :''(The Mail are revealing that Ben Swain was racist to a cleaner)'' :'''Glenn:''' I've been leaking for 27 years, I know how it's done, I leaked it! :'''Ollie:''' You don't leak! Well not from the mouth, anyway. :'''Malcolm:''' You fucking shut up. At least this is Hugh's Glenn. All that you are, mate, is fucking ''Ben's'' Glenn.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Ollie:''' ''Guardian Online'', right? :'''Glenn:''' Yes. :'''Ollie:''' I notice they got Tom to do the questionnaire. :'''Glenn:''' What, trying to make himself look more like a human being and less like a calculator with Aspergers? What does he say? :'''Ollie:''' 'When were you happiest?' 'At the birth of my son.' :'''Glenn:''' Bollocks, he wasn't even at the birth of his son. Actually no, he was in an all-night sitting of the Communications Bill, fast asleep. And his sister-in-law woke him with a text. :'''Ollie:''' 'What was the last CD you bought?' 'The Scissor Sisters'. ''(Glenn laughs.)'' And do we believe him? 'Which living person do you most admire?' :'''Glenn:''' Er, well that's tough. Nelson Mandela? :'''Ollie:''' Correct! I think you just press F5 for that one, to be absolutely honest with you. 'How do you relax?' 'Cannabis and wanking'? :'''Glenn:''' He hasn't. :'''Ollie:''' No of course he hasn't, you idiot, 'Listening to opera'. :'''Glenn:''' Oh, right. :'''Ollie:''' While wanking.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Nick Hanway:''' Why tonight of all ''fucking nights'', why tonight? :'''Malcolm Tucker:''' Oh well, that's easy: Tucker's Law. 'If some cunt ''can'' fuck something up, that cunt will pick the worst possible time to fucking fuck up because that cunt's a cunt.' I've got that embroidered on a tea towel at home. === Opposition Extra === :'''Emma Messinger:''' Peter, hi, it's Emma. Now listen, Stewart says this really ''is'' the strategy. :'''Peter Mannion:''' We're supposed to be the opposition, for Christ's sake. In the old days, we wouldn't have been weeping over his grave, we'd have been pissing on it. :'''Emma Messinger:''' If we start point-scoring now, we're just going to look like opportunist weasels. :'''Peter Mannion:''' Well, weasily done. :'''Emma Messinger:''' Sorry? :'''Peter Mannion:''' It's weasily done. :'''Phil Smith:''' It's a joke. :'''Emma Messinger:''' That was a joke? :'''Peter Mannion:''' Tell Stewart I'm not doing it. Tell him bollocks to it, tell him to fuck off. :'''Emma Messinger:''' Tell Stewart to f– Now, Peter, that's not really a very good idea, is it? He's not going to like it if you tell him to fuck off, is he? :'''Peter Mannion:''' Not actually. Yeah, not actually fuck off, just make an excuse, pretty it up, but when you do tell him, make sure that he knows, reading between the lines, that I told you to tell him to fuck off, but you're prettying it up.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Peter Mannion:''' I was supposed to be making an announcement this morning on the failures in the immigration system, making a big speech! :'''Adam Kenyon:''' Yeah, Peter, we were there; you know, I mean, you were giving your recipe for spag bol, and then [[wikipedia:Gordon_Ramsay|Gordon Ramsay]] walks in and takes us all out for peacock and chips.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Emma Messinger''' ''(arriving at Peter's house)'': Peter! Peter? Hi, it's Emma. ''(whispers)'' Oh sorry, you're on the phone, sorry. :'''Peter Mannion:''' Oh hi, Emma! I thought it was Kate Winslet, she generally pops round about now.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Stewart Pearson''' ''(on the phone)'': Peter, we need you to go on [[wikipedia:BBC_News_(TV_channel)|News 24]], like Phil asked, and to say nice things about the PM. :'''Peter Mannion:''' If I'm praising the PM, can I at least have a go at Tom and the Nutters? Can I at least subtly suggest they're waving in a man who pulls himself off by reading European tax law amendments? :'''Stewart Pearson:''' No way! No way, we do not slag off Tom, we want Tom in. Tom is our big fat, socially dysfunctional, swing-voter repellent, golden weirdo ticket. :'''Emma Messinger:''' Surely you can understand how this will work in our favour, Peter? I mean, they're going to elect a man who can count his friends on the fingers of, like, of my father's right hand! :'''Stewart Pearson:''' Dan Miller is thinking of standing, that's what I'm hearing. Yeah, oh sorry, just a minute, just a min– ''(to a colleague outside his office)'' Mark! Mark! When I say I want you to cc JB on everything to do with these interviews, I do mean everything, not just the things that ''you'' think are important. I'm an extraordinarily precise man, Mark, that's why my wife left me. ''(back on the phone)'' JB doesn't want Dan Miller, he's too young and he's too witty, whereas Tom looks 92 and he's about as funny as [[wikipedia:Norman_Wisdom|Norman Wisdom]]. We slag Tom off once he's elected, but not now, hm?<hr width="50%" /> :''(watching TV in their flat)'' :'''Emma Messinger:''' Phil, switch over, we haven't looked at News 24 for a bit. :'''Phil Smith:''' No, it would just be the Ten Glorious Years package in permanent orbit. Is it just me, or does [[wikipedia:Noel_Gallagher|Noel Gallagher]] getting older look like one of those Evolution of Man wall charts in reverse?<hr width="50%" /> :'''Ollie''' ''(answers his mobile)'': Morning. :'''Emma:''' Yeah, have you seen the ''Mail''? :'''Ollie:''' Erm, no I haven't, I'm under 40 and I have a penis, why? :'''Emma:''' They've got a big graphic on the night's winners and losers. Yeah, it's not a great picture of you. :'''Ollie:''' What? Me – What, I'm in it? :'''Emma:''' You look very very pasty and about nine, so – :'''Ollie:''' Am I a winner or a loser? :'''Emma:''' You are a loser! :'''Ollie:''' I'm a loser? For fuck's sake – ''(Emma is listening to the radio)'' God, is that Ben on ''[[wikipedia:Today_(BBC_Radio_4)|Today]]'' in the background? You can even hear him blinking on the radio. This is absolute bollocks, I'm not supposed to be in the paper, Em, I'm just, you know – It's not me who's supposed to be in the paper, is it? It's fucking ridiculous. :'''Emma:''' Oh come on, it's only the ''Mail'', don't worry about it. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, yeah, I know it's the ''Daily Mail'', but you know – my mum gets the ''Mail''. == Series 3, Episode 1 == :''(It's Cabinet Reshuffle Day in the British Government, and Malcolm Tucker has got his finger on the trigger.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Ed! Get Tom Rudd in. Now. We're offering him Northern Ireland, the lucky sod. :'''Ed:''' I think he's expecting to be offered Transport. :'''Malcolm:''' Well, tell him he's taking the bus to George Best airport, right? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' ''(on his cell phone)'' He’s making Paul Remington a Cabinet Minister. Remtard Remington. I mean the guy is an epic fuck-up. He’s so dense that light bends around him. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm''': Come on people, let’s get going here! I’ve got a to-do list that’s longer than a fucking [[w:Leonard Cohen|Leonard Cohen]] song! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Meanwhile, Ollie Reeder and Terri Coverley are discussing the Cabinet reshuffle at DoSAC.)'' :'''Ollie:''' ''(looking at his computer)'' Remtard at Energy and Climate Change. :'''Terri:''' Really? I'm not getting that. ''(Terri looks at her computer.)'' It's not on here. How did you get that about Remington? :'''Ollie:''' ''(slightly annoyed)'' Refresh the page. :'''Terri:''' Yeah. Ah, yeah. Oh look, Fatty's staying put! They're not moving Fatty! :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, well, that's 'cause they haven’t got five big blokes and a winch. :'''Terri:''' They couldn't really demote Fatty, 'cause he knows too much. :'''Ollie:''' Well he doesn't know where the [[w:Ryvita|Ryvita]] is kept, does he? <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm is on the phone once more, talking to a colleague about how busy he is.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' I've got this -- this-this reshuffle going on, the Leamington Spa by-election coming up, I've got more on my plate than a spinster at a wedding. That wasn't a reference to your daughter by the way, Andrew. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Hugh Abbot has lost his place in the reshuffle.)'' :'''Glenn:''' Well. That's Hugh gone, then. :'''Terri:''' It's so sad, isn't it? Hugh. :'''Glenn:''' Yeah. :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Terri)'' You don't give a ''shit''! :''(beat)'' :'''Terri:''' ...No, well, perhaps I don't. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ollie:''' Northern Ireland office, Tom Rudd. Who's Tom Rudd? Tom Rudd? :'''Terri:''' Isn't he in ''Harry Potter''? :'''Glenn:''' Tom Rudd is army slang for standing-up buggery. :'''Ollie:''' Right. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' ''(calling out to Doug Hayes)'' Doug! Doug! Dougie! Look at you, cock like [[wikipedia:Pink_Panther_(character)|the Pink Panther's]] tail. Come have a Kit Kat. :'''Doug Hayes:''' I'm afraid I turned it down, Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' Do you know ninety percent of household dust is made of dead human skin? That's what you are. To me. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm is back on the phone with Andrew -- AND, of course, Malcolm accidentally insults Andrew's daughter.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Doug Hayes is a massive abortion. Again, not a reference to your daughter. We need somebody to plug this DoSAC hole. Anybody. A fucking mammal with a head. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Terri:''' ''(to Glenn and Ollie)'' Have you two finished emptying your desks yet? :'''Glenn:''' ''(agitated)'' Yes, don't worry, Terri, we're all ready to go. :'''Terri:''' I'm just trying to get everything organised for whenever whoever arrives. They are gonna have their own people. It's gonna be very embarrassing if your hand cream's still in the drawer. :'''Glenn:''' ''Hand cream?'' :'''Terri:''' Yeah, well, whatever men have. I don't know, electric nose-hair trimmers, Ex-Lax... :'''Ollie:''' ''(mocking Glenn)'' Aww, look at Glenn. Your face...On the scrapheap at the tender age of 76? It's no life for you, is it, Glenn, this? Hey, do you want me to call Dignitas? ''(beat)'' I could call Indignitas. They could come round and shove you out of the window dressed as a clown. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' ''(on his phone again)'' Get me, um, Nicola Murray. Yeah. If she says "no", well, I don't know, the only other candidate is my left bollock with a fucking smiley face drawn on it. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Terri announces and introduces the new head of the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship.)'' :'''Terri:''' Ladies and gentlemen, may I introduce the new Secretary of State for the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship, Nicola Murray. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Nicola Murray is the new head of the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship -- DoSAC, for short. As she heads into her new office, she gets a cell phone call from her husband, James.)'' :'''Nicola Murray:''' ''(on the phone to her husband.)'' Um...Yes, I know. They just -- they frog-marched me into it. ''(beat)'' I didn't know. I had no idea. ''(beat)'' James, be fair! I did -- I-I left seven fucking messages for you. Your secretary or whoever is useless. I don't think the school thing's gonna be a problem. It's not gonna be a problem 'cause they'll have vetted me at Number 10. And obviously nobody has soiled themselves or shot me. Great, well, I'll take your warm congratulations as implied. ''(Nicola hangs up her phone.)'' Fucking arsehole. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Terri checks to see if Nicola's alright.)'' :'''Terri:''' You all right? :'''Nicola:''' Yes, it's all a bit crazy. No, it just feels like my head's made entirely of smoke alarms. ''(laughing)'' At the moment, it's all a bit ''OOH...'' ''(Nicola mimes an explosion.)'' :'''Terri:''' Yes, well, it was a bit of a shock for us all, you know. :'''Nicola:''' I'm sure. :'''Terri:''' In a good way, in a good way. :'''Nicola:''' Good. :'''Terri:''' Well, like twins or a tax rebate. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Nicola calls both Glenn and Ollie into her office to discuss her policy as the new head of DoSAC.)'' :'''Nicola:''' My primary focus is social mobility, that's very much my -- my Big Thing. :'''Ollie:''' Right. :'''Nicola:''' And I suppose I'm telling you that, really, partly to get your take on it and also so that you can, you know, start spreading the news and printing the posters and, uh, you know, fire up the turbo chargers, set the phases to equality: It's Murray time! :'''Glenn:''' The thing is – and Ollie, please correct me here if I'm wrong. :'''Ollie:''' I will certainly do that. :'''Glenn:''' Social mobility, making people richer, costs money. :'''Ollie:''' Yes, and we don't have any of that, really. :'''Nicola:''' Right. :'''Ollie:''' I mean, if you speak to Nick at the Treasury he will tell you the same, only with his annoying lisp. :'''Nicola:''' What you're telling me is that basically I'm gonna be a woman with a computer and some pens. :'''Ollie:''' Well, it's just a pen budget. :'''Nicola:''' I mean, I have about as much ''real'' power as [[wikipedia:The_Apprentice_(UK_TV_series)#The_Board|those twats who sit either side]] of [[Alan Sugar]]. :'''Ollie:''' Well – Yes. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Glenn and Ollie are in Nicola's office, trying to give her tips on how to deal with Malcolm. But before they can do so...Malcolm walks in.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(entering the office)'' Is this the No. 1 Ladies' Detective Agency? :'''Nicola:''' Malcolm Tucker! The real deal. Hello. :''(Malcolm and Nicola shake hands.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola, smiling)'' The real deal. Good to see you. You're looking great! ''(to Glenn and Ollie)'' All right, Hinge and Bracket, time to go and hang up your lady-cocks. :''(Glenn and Ollie leave, and Malcolm continues his conversation with Nicola.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Nicola Murray! Here you are, Secretary of State for the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship. :'''Nicola:''' Yep, I now have one of the longest job titles in Western politics. Thank God I don't have to wear a lapel badge. :'''Malcolm:''' It's a pity that we couldn't just make an abbreviation of it, you know, like PFI. Which I think stands for Pretty Fucking Imbarrassing. If you're a bit sloppy about the details, which clearly your fucking husband is. :'''Nicola:''' Okay, look, James works for Albany, fine. He wasn't even working there when the contract was awarded. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(smiling)'' Don't worry, don't worry. That was just me, that was... :'''Nicola:''' ''(getting the joke)'' Okay, right. Fine. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(serious again)'' I mean, that's the sort of thing the press will throw at you. I mean, you step out of line, they'll be all over you like a pigeon on a chip, you know? Is that your chair? :'''Nicola:''' Oh God, yeah. It's cool, isn't it? It's got, um, lumbar support. :'''Malcolm:''' Bin it. People don't like their politicians to be comfortable. They don't like you having expenses. They don't like you being paid. They'd rather you lived in a fucking cave. :'''Nicola:''' Ok, fine. So, uh, what should I be sitting on? Should I just get an upturned KFC bucket? :'''Malcolm:''' A fucking normal chair, right? Not a fucking massive vibrating throne. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Glenn, Ollie and Terri are watching Malcolm's conversation with Nicola outside the office...wondering if Nicola will keep any of them on.)'' :'''Glenn:''' Malcolm must be hating this. All these bright, fresh, new ministers to blood in ''and'' to plan a by-election. :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' If it's any consolation to you, a little bit of you will always be in this department, because she's nabbed your chair. Hasn't she? She's got your chair, and, in fact, your dandruff. :'''Glenn:''' Ha ha ha. If I go, that chair is coming with me. :'''Ollie:''' You know those old men you see who go to the park to read the paper? That'll be you. You could go in your chair. They'd make you King of All the Tramps. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Meanwhile, in Nicola's office...)'' :'''Malcolm:''' So, uh, you got three kids, yeah? :'''Nicola:''' Uh, I've got four. :'''Malcolm:''' Four! :'''Nicola:''' Yeah. Katie's 16, she's the eldest. She's just left school. :'''Malcolm:''' Not going to a college or university? :'''Nicola:''' Um, she's a bit of a rebel. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(concerned)'' What sort of a rebel? I mean, so, I mean, look, what are we talking here? Are we talking a pierced navel or holidays at Pakistani training camp? :'''Nicola:''' It's-it's chiefly heroin. ''(beat)'' Although she has cut down since getting pregnant by that Nigerian people-smuggler, because the track marks would have affected her porn career. :''(Terri has awkwardly entered the office. She politely apologizes for the interruption, but feels...a little awkward about the conversation taking place.)'' :'''Terri:''' I'm sorry to disturb. Um... ''(to Malcolm)'' Morning, Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' Morning, Terri. :'''Terri:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Just wanted to give you a few things here. That's change from the fruit salad. This is this morning's paper. Do excuse me. :''(Terri politely leaves the office...and Nicola resumes her chat with Malcolm.)'' :'''Nicola:''' Um, I'm surprised that you, uh, haven't vetted me, I thought you'd know about the kids. :'''Malcolm:''' It's just that 'cause you were just a sort of, you were a bit of a late-ish kind of appointment. :'''Nicola:''' Mmm. :'''Malcolm:''' That didn't quite give me the time to, you know, to "fuck the I'd and fist the T's," as Robert Robertson might say. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Sounds to me like that she's only bringing in, um, one other person, so...you know, I wonder whether she might keep one of us on permanently. :'''Terri:''' Thank God I'm safe. :'''Glenn:''' ''(annoyed)'' Je- We ''know'' you're safe, Terri! How do we know you're safe? We know your safe, because you keep using the word "safe," like bloody [[wikipedia:Jim_Bowen|Jim Bowen]]! :'''Ollie:''' ''(imitating Jim Bowen presenting [[wikipedia:Bullseye_(British_game_show)|Bullseye)]]'' Yeah, you've got DoSAC, that's safe. Do you want to go for the treasury, young lady? <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm and Nicola are now discussing her kids...including Nicola's 11-year-old daughter, who is starting secondary school in September.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Okay. Mrs. Walton. What about these other kids? What-what ages are they? :'''Nicola:''' They're 11, 9 and 5. :'''Malcolm:''' 11? :'''Nicola:''' Mmm-hmm. :'''Malcolm:''' So that's, uh, secondary school? :'''Nicola:''' No, she's, uh, still at primary, state primary. Lovely little school with, um, terrible SATS results, but, you know, really good kind of broad demographic and steel band. :'''Malcolm:''' So, she will be going to a secondary school, what, in September? :'''Nicola:''' Yeah, yeah. So, um...I-I can see where this is going. Um, it's not an issue. :'''Malcolm:''' Great! If it's not an issue, I'll just fucking toddle off, then. I'll go and have a nice relaxing wee sleep under my duvet. Probably won't even have to tug myself off, 'cause I'm so fucking relaxed about that. 'Cause I know that there is no fucking issue here. Right? :'''Nicola:''' She's not going to the comprehensive, Malcolm. She's going to a local independent school. :'''Malcolm:''' Jesus H fucking ''Corbett.'' Do you honestly think, do you honestly believe that as a minister you can get away with that? You are saying that, uh, that, that all your local state schools, ''all'' the schools that this government has drastically improved are knife-addled rape sheds, and that's not a big story? For fuck's sake. Sort it or abort it! :'''Nicola:''' Let's get this clear: My family is off limits, all right? This job is not gonna get anywhere near my husband and my kids, it just doesn't. :'''Malcolm:''' Of course it fucking does. As per the wee barcode and the serial number under your right armpit, you are now built and owned by the state, and you are under the spotlight 24 hours a day, darling! ''(beat)'' Do you know what you are? You're a fucking human dartboard, and [[wikipedia:Eric_Bristow|Eric fucking Bristow]]'s on the [[wikipedia:Oche|oche]] flinging a million darts made of human shit right at you. Can you take that? Can you? :'''Nicola:''' Okay, look. You, the "All-Swearing Eye." You didn't even know how many kids I had! You had to ask me! So who on Earth in the press is gonna even know or care? :'''Malcolm:''' Do you remember ''[[wikipedia:The Big Breakfast|The Big Breakfast]]''? Remember that programme? :'''Nicola:''' ''(exasperated)'' Yes! :'''Malcolm:''' You remember how [[wikipedia:Chris Evans (presenter)|Chris Evans]] started that? Do you remember it was a big success? And then they had that guy, [[wikipedia:Johnny Vaughan|Johnny Vaughan]], remember him? :'''Nicola:''' Uh-huh. :'''Malcolm:''' Everybody loved him. Fuck knows why, but they loved him. Do you know what this is here? This here is fucking Series 10 of ''The Big Breakfast.'' And do you know what you are? You're the fucking dinner lady that they have asked to come and present the show. The reason I didn't know about you and your children is 'cause you were so low down on the list of candidates for this job, I didn't even have the chance to look into you. ''(beat)'' So low. ''(beat)'' Wayyyyy way way way way way way way wayyy...low. :''(A brief pause...and then Malcolm starts up again.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' You are now being scrutinised for what you wear, what you say. For your hair, your shoes, your fucking earrings, your fucking cleavage ''and'' your dress, which, by the way, is ''way'' too loud! :'''Nicola:''' TOO LOUD?! :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, I'm getting fucking tinnitus here! Look. ''(beat)'' Your crooked husband, I can make go away. But your crooked husband combined with you being worried about your underage daughter coming home up the duff from some truanting bastard, I cannot. She goes to the comp, okay? :''(Malcolm finally leaves Nicola's office, allowing Nicola to recover from the Terrible Tucker Tornado.)'' :'''Nicola:''' ''(relieved)'' Oooh, God... <hr width="50%"/> :''(At Number 10, Malcolm sees Ed walking down the hall, all stressed out.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Hey, what's wrong with you? You look like you've shat a Lego garage or something. :'''Ed:''' Jim Lane's daughter is standing as an independent in Leamington Spa. :''(Malcolm and Ed start walking...)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(silently, to himself)'' For fuck's sake...fuck. ''(to Ed)'' This is gonna split our vote. :'''Ed:''' Do you think we're in trouble? Maybe we should have chosen her over Liam Bentley. :'''Malcolm:''' No. She thinks just because her dead fat-arse dad was the MP that gives her the right to be our candidate? No no no. This isn't Czarist Russia. It's not the fucking Dimblebys. :'''Ed:''' What do we do? :'''Malcolm:''' We send everyone up there, to support Liam Bentley, including the Prime Minister. :'''Ed:''' You want to send Tom up there? :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, fuck it, he'll be all right as long as he doesn't do the smile. You hit the phones, right? I'll be with you in two shakes of a crying baby. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' You have been asked by the PM, specifically, to pop along to Leamington, and do some photo ops with Liam Bentley, supporting him, yeah? :'''Nicola:''' I don't really have any choice, do I? :'''Malcolm:''' Of course you have a choice. You can decide exactly how you say yes. You can do it with a voice. Have fun with it. :'''Nicola:''' ''(Pause)'' Yes. ''(Beat)'' In my own voice. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' ''(on the phone)'' Well you know what, Howard, she's not bent, either in the sense of being corrupt or being gay. And by the way, that's an incredibly homophobic headline, you massive poof. ''(enters Nicola's office)'' You've got egg on your face, Howard, you over-easy pissbag. ''(hangs up. To Terri, Ollie and Glenn)'' Oh hey, [[Yoko Ono]] and the two remaining Beatles, piss off. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Nicola suspects that Malcolm set up the 'I am bent' photos)'' :'''Nicola:''' Malcolm. Sorry, can we just carry on talking about that thing? Was it you who positioned me there? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(waiting for a lift)'' Do you know what the first sign of madness is? Paranoia. Have you seen that film, you know, ''[[A Beautiful Mind (film)|A Beautiful Mind]]'', the one with that, er, [[Russell Crowe]]? The one where [[wikipedia:John_Forbes_Nash_Jr.|the maths guy]] thinks that the CIA are working away in his shed at the bottom of his garden? That's you. :'''Nicola:''' No. I'm not the mad one here. ''You'' are the mad one, you're Russell Crowe. :'''Malcolm:''' No, no, no, ''you'' are Russell Crowe. ''(waves patronisingly at her)'' And you need to fucking listen to me, Russell, you fucking Antipodean fucking kangaroo-loving fruitcake! See this poster stuff? That's fucking small fry. That's fucking whitebait, Russ me old [[wiktionary:cobber#English|cobber]]. ''(enters the lift)'' The really horrible stuff, that's all still about to happen to you, right? Right, you're coming in here so we can carry this on? :'''Nicola:''' What, now? :'''Malcolm:''' Err, if you can spare the time! :'''Nicola:''' Err, no. ''(Pause)'' No, I can't – I don't use lifts, I'm claustrophobic. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(incredulous)'' You're ''what?'' :'''Nicola:''' Not hugely, I can be in rooms, you've seen that, I just don't do lifts, that's all. :'''Malcolm:''' But this lift is – I mean, it's fucking huge! I mean, this is bigger than some rooms, this is bigger than some people's flats! :'''Nicola:''' It's about not being able to get out. :'''Malcolm:''' Oh, well that's great. That's fucking great, that's another fucking thing, right there: not only have you got a fucking bent husband and a fucking daughter that gets taken to school in a fucking sedan chair, you're also fucking ''mental!'' Jesus Christ, see you, you are a fucking ''[[w:omnishambles|omnishambles]]'', that's what you are. You're like that coffee machine, you know: "from bean to cup, you fuck up". :'''Nicola:''' ''(to herself, returning to her office)'' He so is Russell Crowe! :'''Terri:''' ''(at her desk, overhearing)'' Who? <hr width="50%"/> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Where the fuck is Doug Hayes? :'''Ed:''' Yes, we put in a lot of calls. :'''Malcolm:''' Well, put it a lot more calls: I'm talking 'psycho ex-girlfriend with a really good tariff'. <hr width="50%"/> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Glenn:''' Because if you are worried about Malcolm, well, you know, Ollie and I have amassed one or two tips, how to deal with him, over the years. It's pretty much common sense, really: don't drive a gas guzzler, don't sign up for [[wikipedia:Bupa|Bupa]], don't have an affair. Don't tell racist jokes, however ironic. :'''Nicola:''' Oh! :'''Glenn:''' Don't send your children to independent schools. :'''Ollie:''' Don't dig up [[Diana, Princess of Wales|Diana]] and have [[Patrick Moore]] play Nazi drinking songs on her ribs.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Ollie:''' Yeah I suppose so, he's gonna have to let her go free-range for a week, isn't he? Till after the by-election. Then he can snap her beak off, cram her into the battery cage; Nicola: 'I'm not really good with cages', ''(impersonates Malcolm)'' 'Get in there Nicola, fucking get in till you're perfectly square, and you're shiteing cuboid eggs!' :'''Terri:''' ''(sighing)'' Thank God I'm safe. I'm glued to this department and you'd have to steam me off. :'''Glenn:''' Yeah. Well you don't have to worry about me: You don't hang around in this business as long as I have without picking up contacts. :'''Ollie:''' Yes, but [[Benjamin Disraeli|Disraeli]]'s dead, Glenn, he died in the Crimea, did you not hear the town crier announce it?<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Malcolm:''' It's never too soon to go to Leamington. It's the Venice of the Midlands, if Venice was fucking horrible. :'''Malcolm:''' Have a lovely time in Leamington, yeah? I hear it's got the best [[wikipedia:Lidl|Lidl]] in the West Midlands.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Nicola:''' ''(at the poster launch in Leamington)'' And we need to be investing, er, at least – :'''Glenn:''' Invest? Did I hear her say 'invest'? :'''Terri:''' ''(on the phone)'' Ollie, she's gone off-piste, she's off the mountain now. :'''Glenn:''' Oh, Jesus. She's so far off the mountain, she's being finger-banged in a chalet by Bigfoot. == Series 3, Episode 2 == :''(Malcolm and Nicola are talking about a newspaper story calling for Nicola to be "sacked.")'' :'''Nicola:''' You've seen the sack race thing, I suppose. Yeah, there it is. :''(Malcolm, of course, thinks the story is funny.)'' :'''Nicola:''' It's not funny! It's not even accurate, because technically I was fourth. So, really, they should have said, "Fourth in the Sack race." I think we should complain to the PCC. :'''Malcolm:''' Look, stop worrying: the PM is not going to sack you after a week. Sacked after twelve months, looks like you've fucked up; sacked after a week, looks like ''he's'' fucked up. :'''Nicola:''' I'm not doing ''terribly'', am I? :''(beat)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(looking out of the car window)'' I love the way that they've sandblasted everything around here. It's so ''clean''! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nicola:''' I'd just like people to get to know the real me. You know, I feel like I'm coming across as a bit...Oh, I don't know. Glum. :'''Malcolm:''' Smug. :'''Nicola:''' Smug? :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, you're coming across as more smug than glum. :'''Nicola:''' 'Cause I am actually quite a fun person, underneath all of this. I've got loads of friends. :'''Malcolm:''' Well, I'm sure you have, but the trouble is when you say something like that, it sounds a wee bit smug. ''(to Nicola's driver)'' Can you just pull in over here? And you can take out that cyclist as you go in, I think he's [[wikipedia:Shadow_Cabinet|Shadow Cabinet]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Nicola)'' I have here the minutes which are a record and – :'''Ollie:''' No no no, you can't just overwrite minutes! You specifically can't do it, 'cause you can't unlock a PDF file. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Robyn:''' Do you know, Malcolm? ''(Malcolm stares back, gravely)'' Er, the best way to clear a paper jam? :'''Malcolm:''' I don't know. Kill a kid an hour until it sorts itself out? <hr width="50%" /> :''(Nicola is trying to talk to Malcolm...)'' :'''Nicola:''' So. Malcolm -- :'''Malcolm:''' Oh, oh, oh. Incoming body parts. Excuse me. (Malcolm answers his cell phone) Look, if this has got any bigger, you're gonna feel the thump of a fucking harpoon in your thorax. :'''Nicola:''' ''(to Robyn)'' Does he know? Well, follow him. :'''Malcolm:''' (still on his phone) I hope you like shitting toenails, because that's what you're gonna be doing all of next week. And don't worry, I've painted them yellow so they'll look like fucking sweet corn. :''(Robyn is trying to secretly follow Malcolm, but backs away when she sees him coming her way)'' :'''Malcolm:''' (on his phone) The guy's a fucking liability! (softly) Jesus Christ. Listen, I want... :''(Robin makes her way back towards the others, and they have to whisper so Malcolm doesn't hear them talking.)'' :'''Robyn:''' Look, I couldn't hear everything, he takes very long strides... :'''Ollie:''' What, are you a fucking penguin? Just run. :'''Robyn:''' Look, I'm a civil servant, not a fucking Olympic athlete! :''(Malcolm seems to be off his cell phone...)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Right. What's occurring, Hermann Goring? :''(But then his cell phone rings. Again.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' (annoyed) ''WHAT?'' (And then...Malcolm doesn't like what he hears...) You're fucking kidding me. Excuse me. ''(to Nicola and the team)'' Two minutes and I will be back. <hr width="50%"/> :''(On Nicola's orders, Robyn starts following Malcolm again. She's soon approached by Glenn.) :'''Glenn:''' Hi, Robyn! Hey, look. Um...You know Phil Davis? Is he a Davies or a Davis? :'''Robyn:''' I know you don't like me, Glenn, but you're not sacking me. :'''Glenn:''' What? :''(Both Glenn and Robyn are smiling and laughing at each other falsely throughout their conversation...)'' :'''Glenn:''' (still laughing) I'm protecting you. :'''Robyn:''' Okay, well, you know, I've got your back as well. Even though I know you are the guy who authorized the wiping of the back-up. :'''Glenn:''' Well, that may or may not be true. :'''Robyn:''' Well, it is true. :'''Glenn:''' Well, it may or it may not be true. :'''Robyn:''' Well, that is true. <hr width="50%"/> :''(After spending a long time on his cell phone, Malcolm finally makes his way back to Nicola's office to see her and the staff. This time, he's making his entrance by jokingly pretending to be the Big Bad Wolf.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' (in a gruff voice) ''Little pigs...Little PIGS...Let me come in. Don't worry about the hair on your chinny-chin-chin.'' (Malcolm's still smiling.) :'''Nicola:''' So what was your call? :'''Malcolm:''' What was my call? :'''Glenn:''' Did you... :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' You want to know what my call was? :'''Nicola:''' Was it important? :'''Malcolm:''' I'm sorry, I didn't realize that I had to run my calls through your bed-wetters' switchboard here. I usually just dial 1-1-Hate. :'''Nicola:''' Malcolm, do you know? :'''Ollie:''' Obviously, he knows. :'''Glenn:''' No, he ''doesn't'' know. :''(Nicola decides to come clean to Malcolm.)'' :'''Nicola:''' There has been a massive irretrievable data loss. The last seven months' worth of new immigrant details have gone, apparently lost in the computer. :''(Malcolm can't help but smile and chuckle with disbelief...)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Do you know what, you know what's really fucking sad here is that I don't even have the energy to pretend I already knew. Which is for the best, because I'm gonna need all of my fucking energy to fucking rip all of your bodies to bits with my bare hands and sell off, ''(sees Nicola gesture to herself)'' yeah, sell off your fucking flayed skin, as a ''sleeping bag! To a fucking normal person!'' :'''Nicola:''' Can I just say that getting angry actually isn't gonna help anything. I've done anger, I'm currently at grief, I'm working my way towards, er, bargaining, whatever, you know – you're behind me. :'''Malcolm:''' So what is your great strategy for dealing with this? Come on: I mean, I'm fucking all ears, I'm fucking [[Andrew Marr]] here! :'''Nicola:''' So let's – Terri, let's hear what you – :'''Malcolm:''' Let's go, let's get going, high-level tactical discussion, I'm up for it! :'''Terri:''' Right, er, blaming the department minister might be a high-risk strategy. :'''Malcolm:''' Oh, high-risk: saucy! Power serve! :'''Nicola:''' My pitch would be: this department is fatally flawed, it's out of condition, it's obese, it's asthmatic. :'''Malcolm:''' That's it girl, back over the net. :'''Glenn:''' You need to be really sure about that, Nicola. :'''Malcolm:''' Yes, wise words from the distinguished elderly gay fucking tennis coach here. :'''Ollie:''' Seriously, I think we should talk about my strategy further because I really think that that's the way. :'''Malcolm''' ''(interrupting)'': Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, the fucking wee ball boy's having a go now with his wee fucking tight shorts on! ''(to Robyn, who has returned with a tray of drinks)'' What about [[wikipedia:Sue_Barker|Sue Barker]]'s little sister here? What's she got to say? You got something to say, to add to the conversation? :'''Robyn:''' No, er, just that there was no lemon zinger so, um, ''(to Nicola)'' this is coffee, is that all right? :'''Malcolm:''' Do ''The Guardian'' know about this? :'''Nicola:''' Oh fuck, I don't – Fucking ''Guardian'', I don't know. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, as it's referred to in my department. :'''Terri:''' Should I find out? Get some feelers? :'''Malcolm''' ''(looking at Terri's breasts)'': Yeah go on, get your feelers out for the lads. :'''Nicola:''' What do you think, Malcolm? Shitting on the department, will that work? :'''Malcolm:''' Yes, let's cause a little bit of friction. Let's fire someone. What about Glenn? :'''Ollie:''' No, you can't just fire Glenn like that! :'''Nicola:''' We could fire Glenn. :'''Terri:''' Shall I get his file? :'''Glenn:''' No! I've got a list! :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' See, there you are, he's got a list. :''(They're all leaving Nicola's office)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' You're a new broom, you're sweeping up trouble with one end, broom-handling incompetent staff up the tunnel with the other. :'''Nicola:''' So, Malcolm, how do we play it at ''The Guardian?'' :'''Malcolm:''' (smiling uncomfortably) Smile! Be gay! Smile, smile, smile! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm''' ''(arriving at Nicola's'' Guardian ''lunch)'': Afternoon, ladies! I heard there were sandwiches and I'm a fucker for cress – No no no, please don't get up, I'm not [[wikipedia:Sildenafil|Viagra]]. Geoffrey. ''(shakes hands)'' :'''Geoffrey:''' Always a pleasure. :'''Malcolm:''' Good to see you. John, how are you doing? ''(John gets up to shake hands)'' I just want to tell you, I really enjoyed your novel. :'''John:''' Oh, thank you very much! :'''Malcolm:''' Way of writing a fucking awful story. Joking, joking!<hr width="50%" /> :''(Nicola has accidentally revealed the data loss to an on-the-record journalist.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' FUCK'S SAKE! Jesus – Christ! Well, now we've got another fucking adjective to add to fucking 'smug' and 'glum', haven't we?! Fucking 'RETARDED'! JESUS Ch– Do you not think it would be germane to ''check'' who you're talking to?! IT'S A FUCKING NEWSPAPER OFFICE! IT'S NOT A FUCKING SANATORIUM FOR THE FUCKING DEAF, IS IT?! ARE YOU ''SO'' DENSE?! Am I gonna have to run around, slapping badges on people, with a big tick on some and a big cross on others, so you know ''when'' to shut your gob and when to open it?! Jesus Christ! Oh, but that'll probably confuse you as well, won't it?! That'll be too confusing! You'd see the cross and go "Oh, fuck! X marks the spot! Better tell this little person all about the Prime Minister's fucking CATASTROPHIC ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION!" Oh, but not to worry, not to worry, you've sent fucking Ollie over there to deal with it. ''(Nicola tries to speak)'' FUCKING OLLIE! HE'S A FUCKING- HE'S A FUCKING KNITTED SCARF, THAT TWAT, HE'S A FUCKING BALACLAVA! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nicola:''' It just seems to me that all we'd be losing if we got rid of Robyn is somebody who makes a weak cup of tea, you know, I don't think we've – ''(mobile rings)'' Shit, Malcolm. ''(answers)'' Hello? :'''Malcolm''' ''(in his office)'': Get over here, now. Might be advisable to wear brown trousers, and a shirt the colour of blood. ''(hangs up)'' :'''Nicola:''' Fuck. :'''Glenn:''' Has he run off? He does that. :'''Nicola:''' Yeah, it's all just gone really [[wikipedia:HBO|HBO]].<hr width="50%" /> :''(Nicola and Terri sit down in Malcolm's office.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' I just wanted to say to you, by way of introductory remarks, that I'm ''extremely'' miffed about today's events and, in my quest to try and make you understand the level of my, um, unhappiness, I'm likely to use an awful lot of what we would call ''violent sexual imagery'', and I just wanted to check that neither of you would be terribly offended by that. :'''Nicola:''' I could actually do without the theatrics, I think, Malcolm – :'''Malcolm:''' Enough. E-fucking-nough. You need to learn to shut your fucking cave, right? Today, you have laid your first big fat egg of solid fuck. You took the data loss media strategy, and you ate it with a lump of ''[[w:Escherichia coli|E. coli]]''. And then you sprayed it our of your arse at 300 miles per hour. :'''Nicola:''' I simply made a mistake, Malcolm – :'''Malcolm:''' You got [[wikipedia:Source_(journalism)#"Speaking_terms"|'on the record' and 'off the record']] fucking mixed up! What would have happened if, like, [[wikipedia:George_Martin|George Martin]] had done that? We'd have no fucking Beatles, that's what. Now, I don't give a fuck about that: I've had to fucking sit next to [[wikipedia:Paul McCartney|Paul McCartney]] at fucking [[wikipedia:Chequers|Chequers]]! :'''Nicola:''' The data loss wasn't my fault. :'''Malcolm:''' Fine, yeah, but I tell you what, it came out fucking pretty fast once you were in there, didn't it? Which makes me wonder, should I just go and talk to the boss? Should I go and tell him, "I don't think she's up to the job"? :'''Nicola:''' You said yourself that if he sacks me after a week it looks like ''he's'' fucked up. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, but that was before, when your only problem was a fucking shit pun in a newspaper, and a face like[[w: Dot Cotton | Dot Cotton]] licking piss off a nettle! :'''Nicola:''' ''Okay'', I messed up, right? I messed up! But I will from now on listen to every bit of advice you give me. Yeah, I'll go on ''Question Time'' wearing a push-up bra and a fez. Yeah, I'll do the hustings on stilts if that is what you tell me the strategy is. Because you know about that stuff, Malcolm. I know that. It's just that I've got things I want to do, all right? :'''Malcolm:''' Of course you do, like Montessori fucking rocking horses, I suppose. :'''Nicola:''' No, no. :'''Malcolm:''' ''The Mail'' have the motherlode on this, right? So that means that there is a way through this for us, but it entails you, my dear, eating a complete concrete mixer full of humble pie. :''(Terri speaks for the first time in the meeting)'' :'''Terri:''' ''(with pen and diary ready)'' Right, what's the strategy? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(dramatic growl)'' The [[wikipedia:Kraken|Kraken]] awakes! :'''Terri:''' No no no, it's just that, I mean, this is the first bit of the meeting that hasn't been about expletives and fezzes and stilts and [[wikipedia:Teabagging|teabagging]], I mean, this is the bit that relates to media management. :'''Malcolm:''' I didn't say anything about teabagging. Do you even know what teabagging is? :'''Terri:''' Not really, no; er, I'm told it's unpleasant.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Nicola:''' I don't know where 'smug' comes from, I mean, I've aged ten years in the past week: I looked at myself in the mirror this morning and I thought, 'Fuck me, it's a [[wikipedia:Pantomime_dame|pantomime dame]]'. So an informal off-the-record lunch meet at ''The Guardian'': apparently it's a sort of shoot-the-breeze, you know, 'Have you seen the latest [[Mad Men|''Mad Men'']]? Isn't [[wikipedia:Andrew_Neil|Andrew Neil]] a jerk?' sort of thing. :'''Malcolm:''' ''The Guardian''? Don't tell them any fucking anecdotes about your children, or they'll offer you a fucking column.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Nicola:''' Right, when I came into this department I thought, 'OK. Let's turn a fresh page.' So I turned a fresh page, and you collectively have drawn a ''gigantic fucking cock'' on it!<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Glenn''' ''(to Robyn)'': Part of the strategy is to warn us when Malcolm is coming back, so it's your job to block the path. You're [[wikipedia:The_300_Spartans|the Spartans]] at [[wikipedia:Battle_of_Thermopylae|Thermopylae]]. You're [[wikipedia:Richard_Egan_(actor)|Richard Egan]] with an oily chest. :''(later, in Nicola's office)'' :'''Ollie:''' One possible strategy might be not to tell anybody. :'''Glenn:''' What, we keep it a secret? :'''Robyn''' ''(running in)'': Sorry, sorry. Malcolm's coming. Sorry. :'''Glenn:''' What? You were meant to be delaying him, you're supposed to be the Spartans! :'''Robyn:''' Well I couldn't really remember what the Spartans did, I'm not as old as you, Glenn!<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Marianne Swift:''' Data, exactly, I heard what you said about your data loss. :'''Malcolm:''' Did you say that? :'''Nicola:''' No, er, well I don't remem– I don't recognise those words, and I don't recognise you! :'''Marianne Swift:''' What? :'''Malcolm:''' So you see, the Minister may just have misspoke. But what she said was just words, right, not real statements. You know, that's like – you know, if there was a blast of wind over a harp, and it hit the strings, this wind, and it made the harp accidentally say, 'I'm a cat fucker', would that mean that that harp was actually a cat fucker, in real life, in reality? In the world we live in? :'''Nicola:''' Yeah, that's a really good question, yeah. == Series 3, Episode 3 == :''(Today is the day of the big Party Conference.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(on his cell phone)'' We need to persuade Matt Delaney not to [[wikipedia:Crossing_the_floor#Changing_parties|cross the floor]]. I think we should use the [[wikipedia:Carrot_and_stick|carrot-and-stick]] approach, yeah. You take a carrot, you stick it up his fucking arse, followed by the stick, followed by an even bigger, rougher carrot. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Nicola and Ollie arrive at Glenn's hotel room, where Glenn has already arrived and waiting for them.)'' :'''Glenn:''' Ah, you got past mad conference security, then? :'''Nicola:''' It's bonkers, isn't it? It's like trying to get through Israeli customs wearing a T-shirt saying, "I heart bombing Israel." :'''Glenn:''' I know. I mean, I had to wait for an hour and they practically gave me a cavity search. :'''Ollie:''' Aw, only practically? The sense of disappointment in your voice is almost palpable. :''(Nicola notices the size of Glenn's room.)'' :'''Nicola:''' Oh, your bed's bigger than mine. In fact, your whole room's bigger than mine. :'''Glenn:''' ''(feeling awkward)'' Well, um...Do you want it? :'''Ollie:''' "Mr. Lova Lova," full marks for foreplay there, Glenn, straight in. :'''Nicola:''' ''(reassuring Glenn)'' Do I want your room? No, honestly. I just thought they'd all be the same, sort of vanilla and monotonous. :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Did you ask them for your special tiny kettle? :'''Nicola:''' ''(chuckling)'' It's an electric thimble. :'''Ollie:''' Maybe the room only looks bigger because Glenn's kettle is so tiny! :''(The three of them now shift their discussion to more serious and important business.)'' :'''Nicola:''' ''(to Glenn)'' So, has our People's Champion arrived? Have you spoken to her? Is she alright? :'''Glenn:''' Oh no no no no, she should be over it by now. Her husband died, what, 4 months ago? So, I mean, she's beyond the crying phase. :'''Ollie:''' She's clearly not that over it, Glenn. She's leading a public campaign to change building regulations. :'''Nicola:''' Yeah, well, you know, 7 people died when that café collapsed. She's entitled to her 15 minutes. How do you think I should, um... mention the tragedy when I talk to her? :'''Ollie:''' Just, um, "Sorry for your loss, thoughts with you at this very difficult time," yada yada yada, all of, you know... Not-Without the "yada yada yada" bit, obviously. :'''Nicola:''' Am I gonna need some jokes for my speech? :'''Glenn:''' Oh, do you think that's a good idea? :'''Nicola:''' Not collapsing café jokes. :'''Glenn:''' No. :'''Ollie:''' That's a shame, I had a bunch of those. Thought you could call them, uh, the Little Chef Seven. You know, Special of the Day: Crumble! :'''Nicola:''' See, that's not funny. <hr width="50%"/> :''(John Duggan, a press officer at the conference, arrives at Nicola's room to introduce himself to Nicola and her team.)'' :'''John Duggan:''' Howdy Doody, Minister. I'm John Duggan, your press officer at the conference. :'''Nicola:''' Oh, hello. Nicola Murray, hi. :'''John:''' How was your holiday? :'''Nicola:''' Ah, well, you know, we wanted to go to Florida but Malcolm 'suggested' we went to [[wikipedia:Suffolk|Suffolk]], and so the kids were miserable, weather was miserable, and Malcolm rang and shouted at me for looking miserable. :'''John:''' I saw the photo of you, in the wellies next to the horse. 'Why the long face?' It was funny. ''(Nicola looks up, unimpressed)'' Or not, depending on your perspective. Still, things are looking up: you're in [[wikipedia:Eastbourne|Eastbourne]] now, which really is the jewel in the crown of our shit seaside resorts. [[wikipedia:Clacton-on-Sea|Clacton]] of the South West, they call it.<hr width="50%"/> :''(Nicola is trying to get John to push through the press a story about Peter Mannion taking a second holiday, which would put Peter in a negative light.)'' :'''Nicola:''' John, are you across this thing about, um, Peter Mannion lining up a second holiday? :'''John:''' Um, Mannion, right, yeah. :'''Nicola:''' Peter Mannion, my opposite number, you know? :'''John:''' Yes. :'''Nicola:''' Okay, good. So you're going to push that for the press for me, yeah? 'Cause I just want to remind people that while he's criticizing us over the recession, he's, you know, swanning around on his friend's massive yacht. :'''John:''' Oh, okay. "He's gay." :'''Glenn:''' Oh, for fuck... :'''Ollie:''' No, not gay. :'''Nicola:''' It's a hypocrisy thing. :'''John:''' (stammering) Yeah, well, I mean, in-in-in in principle, yeah. But it-it it is conference, so my to-do list is longer than a big willy. :'''Nicola:''' John, without wishing to sound blunt...Um, actually, you know what? Fuck it, let's sound blunt. ''(bluntly)'' It is your job. :'''John:''' I'll do what I can. That is a Duggan promise. :''(John leaves the room.)'' :'''Nicola:''' He's not gonna do it, is he? :'''Glenn:''' Absolutely fucking useless. :'''Nicola:''' He's completely not gonna do it. <hr width="50%"/> :''(John returns just as the group is discussing Julie Price, Nicola's "People's Champion.")'' :'''Ollie:''' ''(to John)'' Glenn says that she's changed her Facebook status to 'single and up for it', ''(John starts laughing)'' which I believe is actually why Glenn brought her here in the first place. :'''Glenn:''' Listen, John: There's an outside chance that she may just prefer to meet a human being, so I'm gonna come down with you. :'''Ollie:''' Good idea, you can buy her a coffee, can't you – you could maybe buy her a Collapsuccino. :'''John:''' ''(laughing)'' Might bring back memories of her latte husband. As in late husband. We're like [[wikipedia:Dick_and_Dom|Dick and Dom]], aren't we? Great chemistry. :'''Glenn:''' Yeah. Except neither one of [[wikipedia:Dick_(slang)|you]] are Doms. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Nicola is in the bathroom -- on her cell phone, though. She's having a chat with Terri, who's driving her car while talking to Nicola.)'' :'''Nicola:''' Terri, hi, it's me. :'''Terri:''' ''(on the phone, happily)'' Hi, Nicola! :'''Nicola:''' Have you read up about this Peter Mannion second holiday thing on the Dig Deep blog? :'''Terri:''' No, no, I haven't actually seen that. Where's he off to? :'''Nicola:''' Amalfi. So could you make a few phone calls? See if you can get it some press traction? :'''Terri:''' I'm sorry, I just can't do that. That's a party political matter. You're gonna have to get John Duggan onto that, 'cause it's his responsibility. :'''Nicola:''' Trouble is, Terri, that the only thing John Duggan is doing here is depriving a village somewhere of a twat. :'''Terri:''' Ah, yes, I've heard he's about as useless as a chocolate teapot. Although I probably shouldn't say that, sounds a bit racist, doesn't it? :'''Nicola:''' Where are you, Terri? :'''Nicola:''' I'm ju-just on the way down to Hastings to see my sister. Poor thing, having some trouble shifting a piano. So what I'm doing is I'm working from home today. :'''Nicola:''' No, you're not working and you're not at home, so as my 16-year old would say, "You are totally busted." :''(And make no mistake -- Terri is totally busted! She exhales, knowing Nicola has caught her in a lie.)'' <hr width="50%"/> :''(In this scene, Nicola and Ollie are working on her upcoming speech.)'' :'''Nicola:''' OK, right, what have we got on the workplace gym reward scheme? :'''Ollie:''' Er, fighting obesity is one of the biggest challenges we face, sleepwalking into a crisis, ticking time bomb – :'''Nicola:''' You write almost entirely in generic meaningless buzzwords, don't you? :'''Ollie:''' I could take it more street, if you prefer – 'You is all proper bloaters and it is well gay, biatch' – but, you know, this is the language – :'''Nicola:''' No, but, you know – I just don't want to come across all [[wikipedia:Nanny_state|nanny-state]] and sort of – 'Death by Chocolate is not a funny name for a pudding, it's a real and genuine concern', you know, I don't want to give the press another opportunity to see me as Mrs. Sour Power Vinegar Tits sucking on a lemon. :'''Ollie:''' Fine, I understand, so we'll sugar-coat it. :'''Nicola:''' Well, leaven it, ideally, with a couple of jokes. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, all right, no problemo. ''(beat)'' Now, jokes now? :'''Nicola:''' Yeah! :'''Ollie:''' OK, how about: 'We want people to be fit, not fit to burst'? :'''Nicola:''' I'm gonna have to go down the slapstick route, aren't I? Do the speech straight, but dressed as Freddie Starr's Hitler. <hr width="50%"/> :''(In this scene, Ollie has introduced Malcolm to Julie Price, the "People's Champion" that Nicola is announcing in her speech. Malcolm is genuinely warm and empathetic towards Julie.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Julie Price...I'm so sorry for your loss. Hey, you're being looked after well enough, yeah? :'''Julie Price:''' Yeah, not bad. :'''Malcolm:''' You stick with Ollie. He's...yeah, he's a good guy. I know he looks a bit like an anorexic [[wikipedia:Leo Sayer|Leo Sayer]] there. Listen, could I have a photograph taken with you? :'''Julie:''' Who, me? :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. I've got a little correction of memories, you know. [[Nelson Mandela|Mandela]] and stuff. ''(to Ollie)'' Ollie, would you be so kind as to do the honor, good sir? :''(Ollie takes a picture of Malcolm and Julie together.)'' :'''Julie:''' ''(to Malcolm, happily)'' You're a stunner, ye. :'''Malcolm:''' No, no, you're a stunner. You really are. Very impressive. You know, I'm not the only one who finds you impressive. The PM...he finds you very impressive. :'''Julie:''' That's good. :'''Ollie:''' Well, great. :'''Malcolm:''' I think that there is a point in his speech today... :'''Julie:''' Mmm? :'''Malcolm:''' ...where he would be very honored to introduce you. Is that something that would interest you? :'''Julie:''' Yeah. :'''Ollie:''' Yes, it might clash, though, with, uh, with Nicola's championing of Julie's cause. :'''Julie:''' Oh, God. Look, the nerves are getting to us. I need to use your bog. :''(Poor Julie has to go to the bathroom...)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, that's the ladies there. :''(Ollie doesn't like what Malcolm's doing.)'' :'''Ollie:''' Malcolm, you can't...You can't do that. She's our bonus track. She's our DVD Easter egg. We need her for the speech. :'''Malcolm:''' Boo-fucking-hoo. Can do and have done. :'''Ollie:''' Yes, but that...What, in two hours, two hours, think of a whole new speech? :'''Malcolm:''' Oh, welcome to the Men's Room! Jesus Christ, listen. It's this simple, right? If she goes on with Nicola, she'll be watched by 15 housebound mouth-breathers. Oh, and by the ever-swelling ranks of the unemployed, who fucking hate us, by the way. But if she goes on with Tom, she'll make the 10 o'clock news, right? :''(Julie has finally returned, AND...)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Julie, hi. Feel better? :'''Julie:''' Yeah, good. :'''Malcolm:''' Yes. Now what's it gonna be, Julie darling? Do you want to go with the teas maid...or with the caravan? :'''Julie:''' ''(excited)'' I'm going with the caravan. That is the Prime Minister? :'''Malcolm:''' That is the Prime Minister, yes. :'''Julie:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Sorry, Ollie. It's nice to meet you. :'''Malcolm:''' Julie, this way, come on. Are you actually in the hotel, or are you staying... :''(As Malcolm and Julie leave together, Ollie runs back to Glenn's room to alert Glenn and Nicola of the bad news.)'' <hr width="50%"/> :''(Nicola and Glenn are in her room trying to write her speech...)'' :'''Glenn:''' "So, joking aside..." Of course, we haven't fucking got those yet. :'''Nicola:''' I know. :'''Glenn:''' Whatever they are, right... :''(When all of a sudden, Ollie re-enters the room.)'' :'''Ollie:''' ''(anxious as hell)'' Right, right. :'''Glenn:''' "It's now my great pleasure -- " ''(to Ollie)'' We're just doing the... :'''Ollie:''' No no no, listen. Um -- listen! :'''Glenn:''' What? :'''Ollie:''' You know when something, well, something bad, but you know when something bad happens and you think it's not as bad as... :'''Nicola:''' What's happened? :'''Glenn:''' Where's Julie? :'''Ollie:''' Malcolm's commandeered Julie for the PM's speech. We bumped into each other and he... :'''Glenn:''' What do you mean he's ''commandeered'' her? You're supposed to be looking after her, for fuck's sake! :'''Nicola:''' No, no, no, no, no, he hasn't. No. :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' We can't even fucking trust you to babysit! :'''Ollie:''' ''Malcolm'' took her... :'''Glenn:''' Just say no! :'''Ollie:''' ''(getting defensive)'' You don't just say no! :'''Glenn:''' What part of "no" don't you understand? :'''Ollie:''' Babysitting isn't a fucking... :''(Nicola starts pounding and stomping on a pillow -- pretending that the pillow is Malcolm!)'' :'''Nicola:''' ''MALCOLM! FUCKING -- FUCK MALCOLM! FUCK MALCOLM! FUCK MALCOLM! FUCK MALCOLM! FUCK MALCOLM!'' :'''Ollie:''' Well, um, that was my, uh, initial reaction as well. :'''Glenn:''' Deep breath, Nicola. :'''Nicola:''' Yes, yes I know. Thank you, thank you, FUCK OFF! Thank you! :'''Glenn:''' Right, yes. What do you want us to do? :''(Nicola pushes Glenn and Ollie out of the way and runs to the bathroom.) :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Do you want your Rescue Remedy? :'''Nicola:''' No, fuck off! ''(Nicola takes a few deep breaths...)'' Get me some ketamine. I want to separate my mind from my body. :'''Glenn:''' Jesus Christ, poor Nicola. I'm going to go and talk to the bastard. :'''Ollie:''' Yes. :'''Glenn:''' Take some reasonable... :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn, sarcastically)'' Yeah, that's right, rip your shirt off! Go on, Braveheart! FREEDOM! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' Listen, just casually mention to Alan Dunn and, er, Lindsay Anorexi at the Mail, that the PM has brought Julie Price to the conference. :'''John:''' That's not strictly true, though, is it? :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well ''[[wikipedia:Strictly Come Dancing|Strictly Come Dancing]]'' isn't strictly dancing, is it? They also have a bit at the beginning where [[wikipedia:Bruce_Forsyth|an old man]] ''dribbles''. So what? :'''John:''' Well, I didn't really follow that. Um, my point is... :''(Malcolm sees Glenn coming his way...and Glenn's pretty darn mad now.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Oh, Glenn, right. Okay, mate, look, I can see that you're a tad peeved. :'''Glenn:''' I'm not having it. You've gone too far. :'''Malcolm:''' Hey, get a grip, Glenn. I didn't fucking come in your mouth. :''(John starts laughing)'' :'''Glenn:''' ''(to John, angrily)'' Are you in on this? :'''John:''' Oh, God, no, no, no. I'm just obeying orders, you know, like a Nazi guard. (John jokingly gives the Nazi salute.) Only in a non-gassy way. :''(to Julie)'' You're not Jewish, are you? :'''Julie:''' No. :'''John:''' ''(relieved)'' Oh, good. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to John)'' Can you just take her? :'''John:''' Oh, yeah, uh... ''(to Julie)'' Why don't you go in here? There's some important people and biscuits in there. Have a coffee. Didn't mean to bring back bad memories. :'''Julie:''' ''(confused)'' What are you on about? :'''John:''' Your husband dying in a café. :''(While John takes Julie into the room, Malcolm and Glenn continue their argument.)'' :'''Glenn:''' You can't just take her! That's people trafficking! :'''Malcolm:''' Am I being threatened by [[wikipedia:Harold Bishop|Harold fucking Bishop]]? :'''Glenn:''' No, Malcolm... :''(John comes back into the hallway to try and make peace...)'' :'''John:''' Okay, guys, can we just... :''(But then, Malcolm sees Ollie coming to join the shenanigans.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Oh, shit, wow, here's the beige fucking Power Ranger now. :'''Glenn:''' Yeah, and we're taking her back! :'''Malcolm:''' Do not make this a disciplinary issue. Do you hear me, soldier? :'''Glenn:''' I found her! I fucking found her! :'''Malcolm:''' She was on the fucking news! Get this guy out of here! :''(NOW, tempers are flaring!)'' :'''John:''' Can we get a bit more sane about this, please? :'''Malcolm:''' It is not a fucking discussion. :'''John:''' Right, nobody argue. :'''Glenn:''' I am going to go in there and I am going to take her! :'''Malcolm:''' You will fucking not! :'''Glenn:''' Fuck off! Fuck -- :''(And then -- Malcolm punches Glenn in the NOSE! Ollie catches Glenn's fall.)'' :'''Ollie:''' Jesus Christ! :'''John:''' Oh my God... :'''Malcolm:''' You've hurt yourself. :'''John:''' I've got so much on, as it is. :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' You hit me! :'''Malcolm:''' I did not hit you! I went to hit the fucking wall and pulled my fist back and hit you in the fucking face instead! :'''Glenn:''' I think you've broken my nose! :'''Malcolm:''' No no no, that's just a scratch, mate! :'''John:''' Noses can't break, anyway. That's a myth. :'''Glenn:''' ''(to John)'' What the fuck are you talking about? :'''Malcolm:''' Look, look, just lean forward. You know, you want the blood to flow out of your nose, not down your throat like a fucking gurgling drain. :'''Glenn:''' Don't touch me! :'''Ollie:''' ''(feeling sorry for Glenn)'' Look at him. :'''Glenn:''' Have you got a hanky? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' You go look after Julie, right? ''(to John)'' John, let's get Glenn back to his room. :'''John:''' Okay, yeah. :''(Malcolm's now looking around for possible witnesses)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to John)'' Nobody saw that, did they? :'''John:''' No, it's like when a fight starts, you're just like, "Fight, fight, fight!" :''(Ollie and Julie are coming near)'' :'''Julie:''' All right? All right? :'''Ollie:''' If we can just get... :''(Julie notices that Glenn's holding his nose.)'' :'''Julie:''' Is he okay? :''(The guys are pretending Glenn's OK.)'' :'''Ollie:''' He's fine, he's fine. :'''Malcolm:''' He's just got a nosebleed. :''(Ollie and Julie leave peacefully, BUT...)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to John)'' Say, you... :'''John:''' Yeah. :'''Malcolm:''' If you breathe a word of this, right? :'''John:''' Mmm-hmm. :'''Malcolm:''' Listen to me, Richard fucking Stilgoe, you fucking jazzy bastard! :'''John:''' I am listening. :'''Malcolm:''' Help me here! Let's get fucking Noses Supposes back to his fuck... :''(But Glenn is GONE!)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Where is he? :'''John:''' I don't know. :'''Malcolm:''' Jesus Christ! Come on! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nicola:''' I think you should leave. :'''Malcolm:''' Oh, do you? :'''Nicola:''' Yes! ''(beat)'' What, are you gonna hit me? :'''Malcolm:''' I don't fucking hit women. :'''Ollie:''' Except Glenn, obviously. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Just you fucking leave Glenn out of this Glenn's been through enough as it is. ''(to Glenn, who is in the bathroom)'' Listen mate, I'm really – I'm really sorry, right, I'm really sorry about what happened in the heat of the fucking moment, yeah? I'm under a lot of pressure right now, I'm trying to plug a lot of leaks out there; I had my [[wikipedia:Hans_Brinker,_or_The_Silver_Skates#Popular_culture:_the_legend_of_the_boy_and_the_dike|finger in the dyke]], but the dyke's very very squirty. :'''Ollie:''' Is it Fat Pat? I've heard that she's, er – :'''Malcolm:''' Shut up. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' Now that you've lost [[wikipedia:Geordie|Geordie]] Julie, the merry fucking widow, you've got a hole in your speech. Right, so have we got a contingency for that? :'''Nicola:''' Yeah, we'll figure it out, thank you. :'''Malcolm:''' Well look, why don't I help you? Let's roll some tits up the flagpole, and see if anyone gets wood! :'''Nicola:''' Oh Christ, it's like being trapped in a fucking boys' toilet. Right, all we've got is Mannion's second holiday, we need to take the piss out of that. :'''Ollie:''' OK, how about, er, "He's called Peter 'Two Holidays' Mannion"? :'''Malcolm:''' Glenn. :'''Glenn:''' Erm, 'He's, erm – works really hard – at planning his holidays'? :'''Malcolm:''' That's really fucking quality fucking explosive sarcasm you're lobbing at them, mate. Boom. :'''Glenn:''' I feel I'm in a therapy group being run by my own rapist. :'''Malcolm:''' Right, okay, well, how about... :''(Suddenly, everybody's cell phones are ringing...)'' :'''Glenn:''' Oh my God...it's got out. :'''Ollie:''' No, really? I thought it was room service cold-calling. :'''Malcolm:''' Who the fuck is leaking this out there? ''(to Ollie)'' Find out who's pissing this over the wall. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, w-well, the thing about the Internet, Malcolm, is it's quite big... :'''Malcolm:''' IT'S ON ROB HOLT'S BLOG! :'''Ollie:''' I don't know what he looks like. I don't... :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' You need to get your people's champion out of this hotel before some tabloid minge-flannel starts soft-soaping her. :'''Nicola:''' So we've got her back again now. Is that right? :'''Malcolm:''' Don't be so fucking touchy about this! I've a lot to fucking deal with here! :'''Nicola:''' ''(sarcastically)'' ''MY'' responsibility again ''NOW!'' Doesn't matter about the speech. That's fine, Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, it does fucking matter! :''(Nicola then slams the bathroom door.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Women, huh? Women slam the door, where did this idea come from, huh? ''(bangs on the bathroom door)'' [[w:The Flintstones|WILMAAA]]! Fuck off! :'''Nicola:''' ''(from inside the bathroom)'' I'm making a phone call. :'''Malcolm:''' Make a phone call! [[wikipedia:Who_Wants_to_Be_a_Millionaire?_(UK_game_show)#Lifelines|Phone a fucking friend]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Nicola makes her phone call to...Terri.)'' :'''Terri:''' ''(answering in a sing-song voice)'' Hello? :'''Nicola:''' Terri, it's-it's Nicola again. We're at DEFCON 1. Or-Or 5, or whichever the really bad one is. :'''Terri:''' ''(looking out her car window)'' You stupid pillock! Oh, boy racers. :'''Nicola:''' ''(getting desperate)'' Terri, can you harness that anger and bring it down to Eastbourne, please? I desperately need you to come down and help me. :'''Terri:''' ''(replying to Nicola)'' The problem is this party political problem, because I'm a civil servant and I cannot possibly be seen to have anything to do with a party conference. :'''Nicola:''' ''(begging)'' Terri, please, I'm standing in a factory that makes fans, right? And a-a man has walked in with a giant shit-spraying machine, and you happen to be bunking off work and not very far away, so I need you here! :'''Terri:''' ''(reluctantly giving in)'' Listen, I've got a cagoule in the back and I could come incognito with the hood up, if that's gonna help you out. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nicola:''' ''(looking at her speech)'' 'Government department – The gov–' Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck! How can I learn this when you're still writing it? I feel sick! :'''Ollie:''' No, it's exciting, it's good, it's really good. In fact, I would say: the fact that you're hearing it for the first time when you say it will possibly give it a freshness and a zing, you know – :'''Nicola:''' You think? :'''Ollie:''' Yes, you know, this is politics as it is, isn't it? It's ''[[The West Wing]]''! :'''Nicola:''' You're not [[wikipedia:Josh_Lyman|Josh]], Ollie, just write the fucking speech. :'''Ollie:''' It doesn't mat– :'''Nicola:''' Come on Nicola, pull yourself together. :'''Ollie:''' ''(to himself)'' I fucking am Josh. :'''Nicola:''' Nicola Murray can do this, come on! :'''Ollie:''' Wow, did you just refer to yourself in the second ''and'' third person? 'Cause they're both – :'''Nicola:''' Write the fucking speech! :'''Ollie:''' Right, OK, yes, I'm just slightly distracted by all the Nicola Murrays in the room! <hr width="50%"/> :'''John:''' Malcolm, you're really scaring me now. :'''Malcolm:''' I'm scaring you? I'm so sorry I'm fucking scaring you. I mustn't scare you, must I? I won't scare you, OK, I'll just explain to you what I'm gonna fucking do to you: I'm gonna take your bollocks, I'm gonna fucking rip them off, I'm gonna fucking paint eyeballs on them. And I'm gonna stitch them onto a fucking sock and use that as a mouthpiece. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm''' ''(to John)'' Oh, twat features! I mean that literally. <hr width="50%"/> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(on his phone)'' No, Dan Miller is not positioning himself for the leadership. Well, for a start, you can't have a prime minister called Dan. People called Dan work in fucking fitness centres and listen to West Coast jazz. <hr width="50%"/> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''John:''' Er, no, I've gotta wait for Glenn to bring Julie what's-her-face back from the toilet so I can give her the tour. :'''Ollie:''' Where are they? :'''John:''' Glenn has taken her to Nicola's toilet. It's like being back at college, isn't it, you know, [[wikipedia:Student_orientation|Freshers' Week]], it's just as busy, isn't it, you know – :'''Nicola:''' Stop talking. :'''John:''' Right, OK. :'''Ollie:''' Oh dear, that's bad, Glenn and a woman in a toilet. 'Hello Julie. Would you like to see the Minister's room? ''(John starts laughing)'' It's very cosy, isn't it, just right for a little kissy-kissy? Maybe some tickle-me tickle-me? ''(mimes undoing his flies)'' Have you met my little friend, old blind Bob?' ''(turns round to find that Glenn and Julie Price have returned)'' Just an impression of my friend, old blind Bob. :'''John:''' Liar. :'''Ollie:''' Listen, right, I'm not being really horrible, but are you actually autistic? :'''John:''' No; but you'd be surprised how many people ask me that. <hr width="50%"/> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Malcolm:''' And I need you, big man. :'''Glenn:''' Why? :'''Malcolm:''' Because I'm gonna invite some hacks up here. I'm gonna give them some drinks, and I'm gonna show them what good mates we are, huh? :'''Glenn:''' Do we have to? :'''Malcolm:''' Yes, we do have to do it! And I want you to be telling some really fucking amusing anecdotes about our long weekend in Prague. :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' He's gonna hit me again, isn't he? I don't mind being hit, it's just the making up afterwards that scares me shitless.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Nicola:''' Terri, I really need you to come down here and help me. All I've got here, right, is a psycho man, a bleeding man and a sarky teenager. It's like some fucking logic problem: 'How do I get the chickens across the river? How do I get the ''fucking chickens'' across the river?' <hr width="50%"/> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''John:''' See, this is the problem with the modern age, the blogosphere, and it is a fear, it's everywhere, we call it the i-Zilla. No one can tame the [[wikipedia:Beast_of_Bodmin_Moor|Beast of Blogmin]]. :'''Malcolm:''' What the fuck are you talking about? Make a deal with these bloggers. Threaten them! It's your fucking job, isn't it? :'''John:''' Malcolm, that is not how the internet works; it's a world-wide, you know, web, that's where that comes from. :'''Malcolm:''' Look: I need you to find the [[wikipedia:Itsy_Bitsy_Spider|incy-wincy fucking spider]], take your rolled-up wank mag and fucking ''squash'' the fucker, right, can you do that? :'''John:''' Malcolm, I've got a lot on. ''(Malcolm glares at him)'' Not a problem. That's a Duggan promise.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Ollie''' ''(looking out of the window onto the car park)'': You've got to see this, come here. Glenn is putting on his retrosexual moves. :'''Nicola:''' No! :'''Ollie:''' Yeah. :'''Nicola''' ''(looking out of the window)'': Who is she? :'''Ollie:''' I dunno, but she's smashed, if she is a she. I think I can see her madam's apple there. :'''Nicola:''' Maybe they're just talking. :'''Nicola and Ollie''' ''(seeing them kiss)'': Oh! :'''Ollie:''' That's horrific. This is like the worst porn film ever. This is like the porn film where the woman rings for a special adviser to give her an overview of the last five years of social policy and they end up fucking. :''(both laugh)'' :'''Nicola: [[w:The Bourne Ultimatum|The Porn Ultimatum]].''' == Series 3, Episode 4 == :'''Ollie:''' What's happened to Terri? She looks like a female impersonator! :'''Glenn:''' Yeah I know, I thought you only got made over like that at a gay undertaker's.<hr width="50%" />'''Ollie:''' ''(re: Nicola's daughter, Ella)'' She's kicking off at school. Basically, ever since Malcolm made Nicola put her in the fucking comp, she's headed for what Mr. [[w:Neil Diamond|Neil Diamond]] I believe would have called 'a [[w:Sweet Caroline|Sweet]] [[w:Columbine High School massacre|Columbine]] incident'.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Emma:''' Hey, do you know what, I wonder if we'll get to sneak up on Ollie and catch him not working. :'''Phil:''' Better still, I'd like to see him getting bollocked by Malcolm. ''(impersonates Malcolm)'' 'I'm gonna rip out ya bladder and wear it as a bandana!' :'''Emma:''' OK, erm – :'''Phil:''' I need to know what Glenn Cullen looks like. :'''Emma:''' Oh, Glenn Cullen, er, fifties, kind of depressed looking; I always think of, like, a bloodhound. :'''Phil:''' OK, I'll get a picture of Mick Hucknall. :'''Peter''' ''(arriving)'': Morning, comrades! How goes the revolution? :'''Phil and Emma:''' Morning. :'''Peter:''' Our tanks on their lawn at last, fuck-a-doodle-doo! :'''Phil:''' Talking of which, may I present the DoSAC Implementation Matrix! :'''Emma:''' Don't ask. :'''Peter:''' Look, this is a very straightforward set of meetings with the senior civil servants. You know, 'Where's the stop-cock? Where can I get a decent cup of coffee? Here's our legislative agenda for the next three years'. :'''Phil:''' Yeah I know, but Stewart's very keen for us to use a visit to DoSAC as a scouting exercise? :'''Peter:''' Well I'm very keen to use Stewart's mouth as an ashtray, but it doesn't mean I'd do it. <hr width="50%" /> :'''Malcolm:''' ''(explaining the Opposition Drill)'' When the Opposition are here, you tell them nothing except where the toilets are, but you lie about that. And Terri, keep your tits in.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Emma:''' ''(receiving an alert on her phone)'' That's Stewart. I'm just gonna have to show him up. :'''Peter:''' Great, Mr. Blue Sky; we're not gonna practise fist bumps again, are we? :'''Emma:''' Phil, if you mention anything out of turn while I'm gone, I will send your mum that picture of you dressed up as Cher, OK? ''(taps her phone)'' One button... ''(leaves)'' :'''Peter:''' Cher? :'''Phil:''' Celine Dion, karaoke night. It's totally harmless. ''(checks that Emma has gone)'' OK, Ollie told Emma that there's a shitstorm brewing about the minister's daughter. :'''Peter:''' She was only the minister's daughter, but she knew how to take the collection. :'''Phil:''' She's 12. :'''Peter:''' Oh, shit, strike that last remark, it's actually a little poem that... gets much worse.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Stewart:''' Ah Peter, glad we could hook up. Just wanted to take a couple of turns with you on the ideas carousel, yeah? Think of ways we could turn your team into a little cluster of excellence. :'''Peter:''' Oh, you mean you wanted to have a chat.<hr width="50%" />'''Peter:''' I hate to be a spoilsport, but can we briefly refocus on our visit to DoSAC? :'''Stewart''': Yeah, who are you meeting? :'''Phil:''' Got a couple of meetings with two top people, you know, the big swinging dicks. :'''Stewart:''' Yeah, OK, well don't forget the tiny static dicks. :'''Phil:''' Yeah, we're not allowed to talk to her boyfriend, though. :'''Emma:''' Very funny. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ollie:''' Oi! Oi! [[w:James May|James fucking May]]! It was ''you'' sprayed the private information about the school, wasn't it?! Like [[w:Jenson Button|Jenson Button]] shaking up a magnum of piss! :'''Phil:''' Oh, just listen to yourself! Okay, at first it was private information between you and your boss, then it was private information between you and your girlfriend, ''then'' it was private information between your girlfriend and her colleagues! :'''Ollie:''' Yeah? :'''Phil:''' I mean, I can draw you a diagram if you like! it's like a fucking swine flu pandemic! :'''Ollie:''' I've clearly made an error, which I have to take up with Emma... :'''Phil:''' Exactly! :'''Ollie:''' ... but you shouldn't be fucking using it for political – :'''Phil:''' This is ''your'' fault! It's not my fault! You're like the man who fucked the monkey that gave us AIDS, that's who you are! :'''Ollie:''' ''(incredulous)'' I'm like the man who did what? Who "fucked the monkey ''(laughs)'' that gave us AIDS"? :'''Phil:''' That's right: you keep saying "it wasn't me, it wasn't me" and there's monkey shit on your balls, not mine! :'''Malcolm:''' ''(walking in)'' I love it, I love it - it's the pre-match sparring for the big Super Gayweight Title Fight, eh? ''(makes boxing motions)'' Okay, Oliver, wipe away the pre-cum. You've got some work to get on with. :'''Ollie:''' ''(quietly)'' Yeah, Malcolm, um...? :'''Malcolm:''' What? :'''Ollie:''' The Nicola thing, I think, is getting a bit worse. It looks like her daughter's about to be excluded for bullying. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, I know, Glenn told me that. :'''Ollie:''' What? When did –? :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. The thing is, all we've got to do is, if we try and keep this info very, very closely contained, we'll be all right, yeah? :'''Ollie:''' Okay. :'''Malcolm:''' Okay? :'''Ollie''': Okay. :'''Malcolm:''' On you go. ''(walks up to Phil)'' Okay, Shitehead Revisited. Did you know that Nicola Murray's daughter is about to be expelled from school for fucking ''bullying?'' :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' What are you doing? :'''Phil:''' No, what... :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Don't worry. ''(to Phil)'' Did you not know that? :'''Phil:''' No, why would I... No... :'''Malcolm:''' Of course you wouldn't know that, 'cause the only people who know that right now are Mrs. Murray, her daughter, Ollie and me, yeah? If this gets into the press, I would ''know'' that it came from you. :'''Phil:''' Clever. ''(chuckles, trying to hide his nervousness)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(also chuckles, rather deviously)'' And I would rain down on you so hard, you would have to be reassembled by fucking air crash investigators. ''(Phil tries to protest)'' ''Do not fucking'' interrupt me, son, ever! Now get this into the noggin, right? You breathe a ''word'' of this, to ''anyone'', you mincing fucking '''''CUNT''''', and I will tear your fucking skin off, I will wear it to your mother's birthday party, and I will rub your nuts up and down her leg whilst whistling [[w:Bohemian Rhapsody|Bohemian fucking Rhapsody]], right?! :'''Phil:''' ''(nods in shock)'' Yeah. :'''Malcolm:''' Now...get out of my fucking sight! :'''Phil:''' Yeah. ''(wanders off, visibly terrified)'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Peter:''' ''(Discussing Malcolm)'' His bark's worse than his bite. ''(Sees Malcolm approaching)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Peter! :'''Peter:''' And speaking of rabies injections, here he is! :'''Malcolm:''' I didn't know you were still alive. How's the 80's tribute band? Still doing the [[wikipedia:Robert_Palmer_(singer)|Robert Palmer]] lookalikey thing, huh? :'''Peter:''' Malcolm, you're looking well, for someone twice your age. Any news on the aneurysm? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Peter:''' ''(Answers his mobile phone)'' Ah, Stewart. What flavour of nut-brown piss are you going to pour in my ear? :'''Stewart:''' How's the info-pump firing? :'''Peter:''' You mean Terri Coverley? She's useless, she knows nothing. You two would get on. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Glenn:''' Nicola, just got a text from Malcolm. He says he knows Mannion was here. :'''Nicola:''' How does he know that? :'''Glenn:''' Text reads: 'I know about your fucking meeting with that ageing flamenco guitarist. You are NOT' (big letters) 'to go home.' There's been an escalation. He says he wants you at Number 10 'ASAFP'. :'''Nicola:''' 'F' meaning – :'''Glenn:''' Feasibly, I should imagine. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Nicola arrives at Malcolm's office)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Hi Nicola, thanks very much for coming over. Can I get you something? :'''Nicola:''' Actually, you haven't got any whisky, have you? :'''Malcolm:''' Whisky, yeah. Hasn't been touched for a while; still got [[wikipedia:Anthony_Eden|Anthony Eden]]'s lipstick on the bottle. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nicola:''' OK, so it's Mannion. What do we do? I mean, do we go after him with one of your, you know, things that you say, like a big bum-dildo of vengeance or something? :'''Malcolm:''' There you go, that's my girl, yeah! [[wikipedia:Indiana_Jones_(franchise)|Indiana]] Murray and the Bum-Dildo of Vengeance, I like it.<hr width="50%" />''(deleted scene)'' :''(arriving at the DoSAC building)'' :'''Phil:''' This is ''mint''. It's like the fall of Troy but with visitor's passes instead of a [[wikipedia:Trojan_Horse|wooden horse]]. :'''Peter''' ''(quoting [[Alfred, Lord Tennyson#Ulysses (1842)|Tennyson's]]'' [[Alfred, Lord Tennyson#Ulysses (1842)|Ulysses]]'')'': 'It may be that the gulfs will wash us down, / It may be we shall touch the Happy Isles / And see the great Achilles, whom we knew.' :'''Phil:''' I meant the film ''[[Troy (film)|Troy]]''? :'''Peter:''' Awesome.<hr width="50%" />''(deleted scene)'' :'''Emma:''' Do you fancy a cup of tea? :'''Stewart:''' Er, yes, you got anything herbal? :'''Emma:''' OK, yeah. ''(walking off, to herself)'' Something perfumed and essentially gay. ''(sees Phil)'' Oh, speak of the devil. Whoa, you look like you've shat yourself. :'''Phil:''' I had a close encounter with Malcolm Tucker. ''(Emma laughs)'' It's not funny, he's like some horrible character from an Ian Rankin novel. :'''Stewart:''' Where's Peter? :'''Emma:''' Yeah, where is Peter? :'''Phil:''' I don't know. It's a bit of a blur to be honest, I just kind of ran out of the building. I just kept walking, I ended up in [[wikipedia:Greenwich|Greenwich]]. :'''Emma:''' Greenwich? :'''Phil:''' I think I was following the river, I wanted to get to the sea.<hr width="50%" />''(deleted scene)'' :'''Peter:''' Do you channel all your passions into pie charts, Stewart? I don't even think you're excited about winning. I bet when you orgasm, you just put a little tick on a chart next to your bed. == Series 3, Episode 5 == :''(Terri smiles and waves at Peter.)'' :'''Peter:''' Why does the useless one keep staring at me? :'''Phil:''' Because she's a mentalist and she loves you. You ever crash your car in the mountains, she'll be the one waiting to drag you out. ''(both chuckle)'' You've seen ''[[wikipedia:Misery (film)|Misery]]''? :'''Peter:''' I'm in the fucking BBC, aren't I? <hr width="50%" /> :''(Nicola, Terri, Glenn, Phil and Peter are all waiting in the green room. Terri continues to smile and stare at Peter.)'' :'''Peter:''' ''(quietly)'': The stupid one keeps staring at me; could you block the view, or something? :'''Phil:''' OK. ''(sits on the table, between Terri and Peter)'' :'''Peter:''' OK. :'''Phil:''' ''(to Terri)'': Sorry. :'''Peter:''' Why isn't Emma here to help? :'''Phil:''' She's dumping Ollie tonight. Result! Probably crying his eyes out right now, like Kate Winslet losing on a scratch card. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Glenn:''' Well, that's a nice tan you haven't quite managed to get there, Peter. :'''Peter:''' Oh yes of course, that's very funny, because of the shitstorm you created about my second holiday. I had to cancel my second holiday. I see what you did there, you should be in stand-up. :'''Phil:''' [[wikipedia:Ben_Elton|Glenn Elton]]. 'Yes indeed, ladies and gentlemen!' :'''Peter:''' Sorry about the puffin. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm is in his office talking to someone on his cell phone)'' :'''Malcolm:''' No, I don't give a fuck whose birthday it is, I'm going to enjoy myself here listening to this Murray-Mannion ding-dong on the radio. The fat cat story's breaking, so the opposition are gonna be sweating like Vegas Elvis on a squash court. :''(Malcolm's personal assistant, Sam, comes into the office with a box)'' :'''Sam:''' Happy Birthday, Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' Stop saying that, right? Just you go home. What is this? Don't...Is this my new anal beads? :''(Malcolm looks at the box)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Okay, this has been X-rayed, yeah? I'm not gonna get fucking, a present bomb in the face? :''(Malcolm opens the box. It contains a cake which reads 'Happy Birthday C*nt')'' :'''Malcolm:''' This could be from anybody. ''(opens the accompanying card)'' Ah, it's from the Prime Minister. This is fucking Tom's idea of a joke, yeah? And he wonders why we don't let him out in public.<hr width="50%" /> :''(Nicola is discussing what she's going to say about her Fourth Sector Initiative on Richard Bacon's radio show with Terri and Glenn)'' :'''Nicola:''' Fourth sector, people power. Inspiring each other out of disadvantage. :'''Terri:''' And you need to put in the liking words as well, not just the headlines. :'''Nicola:''' I am going to talk in complete sentences. :'''Terri:''' I think you should rehearse with those headlines. :'''Nicola:''' Okay, how about "I believe in people power. Will you fuck off, Terri?" Is that okay? <hr width="50%"/> :''(Meanwhile, Peter is discussing what he's going to talk about on the show with Phil.)'' :'''Peter:''' "We call it the Common Sense Checklist, Richard. We need to cut red tape. We were talking about that at the Oval the other day, weren't we, Richard?" :'''Phil:''' ''(loving it)'' That's just the sound of wickets falling. :''(But then, Phil's cell phone rings.)'' :'''Phil:''' Stewart. :'''Peter:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Stewart? Oh, good. I wonder what Mr. Political Correctness Gone Boring wants... :'''Phil:''' ''(answering his cell phone)'' Hi, Stewart. :'''Stewart:''' Look, a little note for Peter, yeah? Tell him to dump the common sense checklist. Yeah, it's an ex-list. The new world order is this: Hit the city hard, yeah? It's "Reverse Gekko." Greed is bad, money is awful. "I Heart [[wikipedia:Tracy Chapman|Tracy Chapman]]," yeah? :''(Phil leans over to Peter to quietly tell him the bad news...)'' :'''Phil:''' ''(to Peter)'' He wants you to scrap the common sense checklist and hit the city hard over the bonuses, call them all money-grabbing wankers. :''(A BBC employee lets everyone know that Nicola and Peter are on, but Peter still has something to say to Phil.)'' :'''Peter:''' Phil. ''(Peter quietly pulls Phil aside.)'' Some of my best friends are money-grabbing wankers. And I've got to give a speech to a roomful of them tomorrow at the CBI lunch. I'm not gonna say, "Hello, chums, I've just taken a slash in the soup." So, no, the answer's no. :''(As Peter makes his way to the studio, Phil gets back on his cell phone to talk to Stewart.)'' :'''Phil:''' Stewart, um, Peter's not going to want to do that. :'''Stewart:''' No, I don't want him to want to do it, Phil. I just want him to do it. :'''Phil:''' ''(to Peter)'' Stewart says it's a JB diktat, you have to do it. :'''Peter:''' Tell him to stick a goose up his arse. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Peter Mannion and Nicola Murray are now in the studio with Richard Bacon. Phil, Terri and Glenn are in the control room.)'' :'''[[wikipedia:Richard_Bacon_(broadcaster)|Richard Bacon]]:''' Coming up shortly, we've got what could be a rather fiery showdown between two political heavyweights. After trading blows in the dailies, it's now time for them to meet face to face. So, it gives me great pleasure to introduce Nicola Murray... :'''Nicola:''' Hello. :''(Richard gives Nicola a polite 'please wait' hand gesture)'' :'''Richard:'''...Secretary of State for the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship. ''(Richard gives Nicola the 'OK.')'' :'''Nicola:''' Hello, again. I got it right that time. I managed to come in at the right time. :'''Richard:''' Hello, and from the shadow cabinet, the right honourable Peter Mannion MP. :'''Peter:''' Hi, Richard. Good to see you again. :'''Phil:''' ''(in the control room)'' THE MANNIONATOR! :'''Richard:''' ''(to Peter)'' Good to see you again as well. Uh, listen, guys, first of all... :'''Terri:''' ''(to Phil)'' How old are you? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Richard:''' Either of you got any piercings? Any tattoos? :'''Peter:''' Uh, I've got an appendix scar, does that count? :'''Richard:''' Classic! :'''Peter:''' Well, you know how it is. Out with a bunch of pals, got a bit tipsy, rolled into casualty, yeah. Hey, we all got it done. :'''Phil:''' Yeah! In your face, bitch! :'''Richard:''' That's very funny. Nicola Murray, any piercings? :'''Nicola:''' Um...Uh, no... :'''Terri:''' Yes, you do. :'''Nicola:''' No piercings at all, no. :'''Terri:''' You have got some piercings. :'''Richard:''' Okay, all right. :'''Nicola:''' Uh, sorry, no piercings at all, no. :''(All the while, Glenn is trying to remind Nicola about her pierced ears.)'' :'''Nicola:''' Um, some people say that my distinguishing feature would be probably my ears, which I'm told are quite small. :'''Richard:''' Right. :'''Nicola:''' But I do think we have to be a little bit careful about taking too light an approach to culturally sensitive issues, like body piercing or female circumcision...Uh, earrings! Earrings. I've got pierced ears. :'''Richard:''' Let's leave that there. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(listening to Nicola on the radio)'' Fuck me, this is like a clown running across a minefield! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Glenn and Terri are now out of the control room, having an impromptu talk.)'' :'''Glenn:''' I'm really worried about Nicola. She's behaving like a squirrel trapped in a pedal bin. What I'm asking you to do is have a word with, um, Blondie, that producer. And cut Nicola some slack because she needs all the sympathy she can get. :'''Terri:''' The problem is, though, Glenn, if you say to a journalist, 'Can you avoid that topic?', that's when they really go for it. I mean, it's like saying to the school bully, 'I'll wet myself if you tickle me'. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Throughout his show, Richard reads out listeners' texts about piercings.)'' :'''Richard:''' 'Dear Richard, I don't see the point of piercings. If you were a robot, you wouldn't stick bits of dangling flesh all over yourself, would you?' :'''Richard:''' 'Dear Richard, my friend's daughter got piercings all round her mouth. She looks like she works in a ball bearings factory, and there was an explosion and all the shrapnel got embedded in her face. I don't like it.' :'''Richard:''' 'Dear Richard, I love piercings. They are part of who I am, literally. Tina in Weymouth.' <hr width="50%"/> :''(Nicola is now talking about her Fourth Sector Initiative.)'' :'''Nicola:''' What we would be looking for is getting people to inspire each other out of poverty, out of disadvantage. :'''Richard:''' ''(somewhat cynically)'' How can you be ''inspired'' out of poverty? :'''Nicola:''' Well, I'm choosing to ignore your rather cynical tone... :'''Richard:''' I'm not being cynical, Nicola Murray. It's a perfectly legitimate question. How can you be inspired out of poverty? :'''Nicola:''' Okay, you are being cynical, but anyway, we'll park that. Um, one of our initiatives is to designate certain people as fourth sector pathfinders. Now they would be pillars of a normal community. :'''Richard:''' Are you talking about "have-a-go heroes," for example? :'''Nicola:''' No, we're talking about everyday heroes. :'''Richard:''' I assume you'd want to avoid Charles Bronson-style vigilantes? :'''Nicola:''' ''(chuckling)'' Oh, yes. Yes, we don't, we don't want [[wikipedia:Charles Bronson|Charles Bronson]]. More, more, Charles, uh...Dance. :'''Richard:''' Okay. :'''Peter:''' Or Chaplin, yeah? <hr width="50%"/> :''(Suddenly, Glenn's cell phone goes off in the control room.)'' :'''Janice:''' ''(the show's producer, to Glenn)'' Out! :'''Glenn:''' Alright! :'''Phil:''' Is that Nicola's doctor? Probably trying to book a circumcision. :''(Glenn goes out of the control room to answer his phone.)'' :'''Glenn:''' Malcolm? :'''Malcolm:''' Are you producing porno now for the visually impaired? :'''Glenn:''' Wh– What? :'''Malcolm:''' Because what I'm hearing here, on my radio, is Nicola Murray being roundly fucked. What is this, [[wikipedia:Bukkake|Bukkake]] [[wikipedia:Book_at_Bedtime|at Bedtime]]? Just, fu– put Ollie on. :'''Glenn:''' Ollie, erm – Well he's not here, he's at home. :'''Malcolm:''' Tell that fucking stick of celery to get his arse out of there, and get down to 5 Live right now. Tell him to inject some energy into Nicola's performance. At the moment, she's coming across like a Nazi float at the fucking [[wikipedia:Notting_Hill_Carnival|Notting Hill Carnival]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Peter:''' It seems to me what I call a "political meringue." Uh...sweet but, uh, lightweight and very little substance. :''(Meanwhile, in the control room...)'' :'''Phil:''' ''(clapping)'' He's like bloody [[wikipedia:Peter Ustinov|Ustinov]], isn't he? :'''Terri:''' Uh, it's just such an old joke. Can you just please get out? :'''Janice:''' ''(to both Phil AND Terri)'' Yeah. Okay, right. Can you just both fucking get out of the studio now? You and fucking Rupert Brooke, just out! :''(Meanwhile, Richard Bacon continues talking to Peter)'' :'''Richard:''' I know exactly what you mean. The other day, the BBC sent me on a Health & Safety away day, where they taught me how to carry a cup of coffee. :'''Peter:''' ''(laughing)'' This, this is exactly what I mean. That makes no sense. That's nonsense, and uh... and we need to say no to the nanny state, uh, "boo" to nanny, and claw back some personal responsibility in the name of common sense. :'''Richard:''' We need to...Hang on, we need to say boo to nanny? :'''Peter:''' Yeah, it's just a play on [[wikipedia:Jools Holland|Jools Holland]]'s Hootenanny. (stuttering) I-I, I didn't write it, it's not... :'''Richard:''' Right. :'''Peter:''' But, you know...Hey nanny no. :'''Richard:''' Right. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Glenn:''' Oh hello, nice dinner? :'''Emma:''' Fuck off, [[wikipedia:Bagpuss|Bagpuss]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Phil spots Emma in the green room. Terri is also in there.)'' :'''Phil:''' Hey, that was quick. Did you tell him? :'''Emma:''' Kind of. He's getting the message. :'''Phil:''' Look, I couldn't say while you were together, but I really don't know what you saw in him. :'''Emma:''' You told me all the time how much you hated him. That was one of the main reasons I went out with him so long. :'''Terri:''' ''(to Emma)'' Are you splitting up with Ollie? :'''Emma:''' Sorry, can you actually hear all right over there? I can pop into the studio and get some microphones so you can get all the details. :'''Terri:''' No, I can hear fine. Yes, no, I think that's a really good idea. I mean, for your sake. I'd back you up on that. :'''Emma:''' ''(pleased)'' What, I have your backing? Oh, fantastic. Thanks. :'''Phil:''' Hey, Emma, look, you're clearly overemotional right now. Why don't you go home, you know, drink some mojitos with your girlfriends and talk about shoes? I've got it covered here. :'''Emma:''' Yeah. Well, actually, Stewart called me in because he wanted me to SatNav Peter out of the dead end you've driven him into. So, perhaps you should piss off and read that ''[[wikipedia:Marie Claire|Marie Claire]]'' you nicked off me. <hr width="50%"/> :''(And then, Phil's cell phone rings again -- and once again, Stewart's on the other line.)'' :'''Phil:''' ''(answering his cell phone)'' Hi, Stewart. He's great, isn't he? :'''Stewart:''' "Boo to nanny?" Phil, no one watches Jools Holland, yeah? We need to be appealing to ''One Show'' man and ''Holby City'' woman. :'''Emma:''' What's he saying? :'''Phil:''' Just shut up, Emma. The men are talking? :'''Stewart:''' Is Emma there? :'''Phil:''' Yes, she is here. :'''Stewart:''' Thank God! Put her on, Phil. :''(Emma gets on the cell phone to talk to Stewart.)'' :'''Emma:''' Stewart, hi. :'''Stewart:''' This is the brief. Got a pen? :'''Emma:''' Yeah, hang on. ''(to Phil)'' Have you got a pen? :'''Phil:''' Yeah, you're not having it. :'''Terri:''' ''(to Emma)'' Do you need a pen? :'''Emma:''' Uh, I do, thanks. ''(to Stewart)'' Sorry, Stewart, hang on. :'''Stewart:''' Why don't you have one just sellotaped to your chin, Emma? Write this down! Write on his shirt! Just write it down! :''(Phil tries to take the pen from Emma, but Emma's not messing around.)'' :'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' I'm serious. :'''Stewart:''' ''(to Emma)'' Are you listening to Daddy? :'''Emma:''' Okay. :'''Stewart:''' I want you to pull some info, right? On city bonuses, tax evasion, non-doms. Let's name and shame some fat cats! I want to hear some fact-enforced noise! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Ollie arrives at the BBC Building.)'' :'''Ollie:''' Many thanks, Glenn. :'''Glenn:''' What? :'''Ollie:''' For getting me in on my special night off. Emma was furious when I said I was coming in here, she was moaning, she was screaming, and then I said I was coming in here. Do you see what I did? :'''Glenn:''' ''(smiling mockingly)'' I see. :'''Ollie:''' It was a joke about my sexual prowess. :''(But then, Ollie sees Emma.)'' :'''Ollie:''' What the fuck are you doing here? :'''Emma:''' Oh, I'm having an affair with Richard Bacon. I'm incredibly aroused by men with meat in their surname. :'''Ollie:''' You. You told me...I cooked a lovely meal... :'''Emma:''' Ordered. And it wasn't lovely. :'''Ollie:''' What the fuck's going on? :''(Emma's cell phone rings)'' :'''Emma:''' Sorry, I've got to take this. I'll talk to you later. :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' So! She DID come! She came into work! Do you see what I did there? :'''Ollie:''' Fuck off, Glenn. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Nicola is accusing Peter and his party of blocking initiatives that would allow bonuses to the so-called "fat cats.")'' :'''Nicola:'''...when you yourself where actually in cabinet. We have tried repeatedly to initiate legislation which will outlaw these bonuses. Now, your party has persistently blocked those attempts. :'''Richard:''' I think it's an interesting point. What do you say, Peter Mannion, to the accusation that these huge bonuses and the offense that they cause are the fault of your party? :'''Peter:''' I think that's a completely fatuous argument when Nicola's party has been in government for what seems like about a century, and bonuses under their watch have increased...What? Five fold? Oh, dear! Come on, Nicola. Pull your finger out. :'''Nicola:''' Okay, fine. So you personally would like to see more done to hit the fat cats? :'''Richard:''' ''(to Peter)'' Is that what you're saying? :'''Peter:''' ''(stammering)'' Well, yes-yes. I...I would. If the person receiving the bonus hasn't performed well... :'''Richard:''' Can I, can I simplify that? Let me simplify this. Would you outlaw bonuses? :'''Peter:''' ''(still stuttering)'' In the case of them being undeserved, yes... :'''Nicola:''' Which the bulk of them are, so basically you're saying the bulk of your friends in the city are disgusting. :'''Peter:''' ''(confused)'' No, no, no. Yes, yes, but only if the bonuses they receive are unfair. :'''Richard:''' I think, well, I think we've got -- It's alright. I think we've got your point. Uh, thank you. Let's move on. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Phil enters the green room)'' :'''Ollie:''' Right, if you speak to me, I will pour hot coffee on your balls. :'''Phil:''' Hey, guy, I don't want to fight. I want to clear the air, actually. We're like those two little old people in the [[wikipedia:Weather_house|weathercock]]: you come out, I'm in there, and we're swapping round. :'''Ollie:''' You're Mr. Sunshine, are you? :'''Phil:''' I'm Mr. Sunshine! :'''Ollie:''' You're a little wooden twat, in a little wooden house. :'''Phil:''' Come on, there's no need – we can be friends! I'm thinking two enemies, they come together when they realise it is no more. Aragorn and Boromir! Me: Aragorn, the true king. You: Boromir. [[wikipedia:Middle-earth_objects#Horn_of_Gondor|Your horn]] is broken, and will be blown no more. :'''Ollie:''' This inability to talk without using ''Lord of the Rings'' metaphors is one of the very ''many'' reasons that we could never be friends. :'''Phil:''' Okay. By the way, you'll be getting a bill. That's OK, though, I presume you're expecting that. :'''Ollie:''' ''(sighing)'' Okay, I'll bite. Why will I be getting a bill, Phil? :'''Phil:''' Ah, let me see, partial rent, electricity, gas, internet use, toilet paper...Kept a note every time you were round at the flat. :'''Ollie:''' You're moving out? Oh, that's a shame. I'll miss doing that secret and bad thing I did with your roll-on deodorant. :'''Phil:''' I'm not moving out. I'm just guessing that seeing how Emma's dumped you, you won't be coming round much any more. :'''Ollie:''' What? :'''Phil:''' Oh, let me just savor this moment. Thank you, God. She hasn't told you, has she? :'''Ollie:''' No, what? :'''Phil:''' She's dumped you. She did it tonight. :'''Ollie:''' No, no. She didn't do it tonight. :'''Phil:''' Let me get a little photo of this moment. Hey, new desktop picture here: Ollie being dumped! :''(Ollie doesn't appreciate being told of this bit of news by Phil.)'' :'''Ollie:''' Why would she tell you first, dickwad? :'''Phil:''' I've no idea, she told me to get out of the flat tonight so she could dump you. Anyway, in the words of [[wikipedia:Shakespears_Sister|Shakespears Sister]], ''(sings in falsetto)'' '[[wikipedia:You're_History|You're History]]'! ''(Ollie throws his coffee at Phil's groin)'' Ah, f– It's a dark suit and it's only lukewarm, I ''still'' win! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Richard is taking another call on his show)'' :'''Richard:''' James Henderson, what's your point? :'''Peter:''' Is that Jim Henderson from Clifton? :'''Richard:''' ''(surprised)'' You two know each other? :'''Peter:''' We've met. We know each other. :'''James:''' ''(talking to Peter on the phone line)'' We've met! Yes, we ''have'' met. I'm surprised to hear you turning on the city boys. Um, you never found the JFU donating huge wodges of cash to your party ''disgusting.'' :'''Peter:''' Well, that's a separate issue... :'''James:''' ''(continuing)'' Even though everyone knows they've got links with sweatshops. :'''Richard:''' Wow! :'''Peter:''' What? :'''Richard:''' Well, that's quite an extraordinary allegation, very serious. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(still in his office)'' YES! :'''Richard:''' ...links to sweatshops? :'''Peter:''' That should be looked into, but... :'''Malcolm:''' Oh, it's my birthday! :'''Peter:''' ...I don't know the facts. :'''James:''' I've just told you the facts! Are you calling me a liar? :'''Janice:''' I can't believe my ears, did we just break a story that wasn't 'the [[wikipedia:Ipswich_Town_F.C.|Ipswich]] manager just got sacked'?<hr width="50%" /> :'''Malcolm:''' ''(leaving his office)'' It's my birthday! ''(Offering someone a piece of cake)'' Cunt cake? Go ahead! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Stewart is on his cell phone, telling Emma he's coming down to the BBC Studios.)'' :'''Stewart:''' Right, Emma. Look, look, look, I'm just coming in. Okay? Yeah, look, I'll be 20 minutes, right? So see if you can get Peter to do something inoffensive for 20 minutes. Hard boil 4 eggs! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Meanwhile, in the green room...)'' :'''Emma:''' ''(in a bad mood)'' Great. :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Emma)'' You tell fucking Man at C&A that I'm dumped before I do, is that it? :'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' What's he talking about? :'''Phil:''' ''(to Emma)'' I thought he knew. :'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' Oh, you fucking twit! :'''Glenn:''' Do you mind keeping it down? Some of us are trying to listen. :'''Phil:''' I can fill you in: Peter's tearing through her like a Viking at a nunnery. :'''Glenn:''' If he's a Viking, he's [[wikipedia:Cnut_the_Great|King Cnut]]! :'''Phil:''' ''WHAT?'' :'''Glenn:''' Yes, he's drowning in the party donations. You should ''listen!'' :'''Phil:''' Bullshit! :''(Phil and Emma are listening on the radio. Ollie's trying to get Emma's attention.)'' :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Emma)'' You can't even fucking look at me! :'''Phil:''' We're trying to listen here now. :'''Ollie & Emma:''' Shut the fuck up, Phil! :''(And now, EVERYBODY'S arguing!)'' :'''Janice:''' ''(storming into the green room)'' OK, do you want to shut up? And if you lot don't keep this down, I'm gonna have you all ejected from the building. ''(points at Terri)'' You are the worst, my chair still smells of your perfume! :'''Terri:''' Excuse me! For the record, I have done nothing. :'''Glenn:''' Yes, that will be your epitaph, Terri. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Nicola and Glenn are celebrating just outside the green room)'' :'''Nicola:''' Great! Good! Yes! I'm cooking now. :'''Glenn:''' Cooking with gas! :'''Nicola:''' I'm fucking Delia Smith! I'm cracking eggs, I'm pouring in baking powder, I'm using fucking vanilla extract. It's great! :''(Peter is in the green room with Phil, trying to recover from his stumbles on 5 Live)'' :'''Peter:''' That was not good. That was the opposite of good. :'''Phil:''' Bad. :'''Peter:''' How do I counter? Have you heard of JFU? :'''Phil:''' I didn't actually hear that bit, so I don't know. :'''Peter:''' You couldn't hear? CHRIST! You're...''(Chuckling, looking at Nicola and Glenn outside)'' Sorry, it's just... :'''Peter:''' ''(to Phil)'' You're here to hear, Phil. Why do you think you're here? You're HERE to HEAR! You're not here for eye candy! :'''Phil:''' Look, it's not my fault. It was very noisy in here. Ollie and Emma were splitting up at the time, and I couldn't really focus... :'''Peter:''' ''Emma?'' ''Emma?'' Why is ''Emma'' here? :'''Phil:''' Stewart sent her down here. :'''Peter:''' ''(looking at Phil's trousers)'' ''Why have you got wet trousers?'' :'''Phil:''' Ollie threw coffee at me. :'''Peter:''' I'm sorry. I seemed to have wandered into some 1970s [[wikipedia:Ray Cooney|Ray Cooney]] farce. Is the vicar about to come around with [[wikipedia:Brian Rix|Brian Rix]] and [[wikipedia:Robin Askwith|Robin Askwith]]? :'''Janice:''' Right, back in. Headphones on ears, arses on chairs. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Meanwhile, Ollie and Emma are arguing in the hallway...and Terri's sitting just inches away from them.)'' :'''Emma:''' Ollie, we just, we don't make any time for each other any more. :'''Ollie:''' We're busy people. We work really, really hard. We work harder than Fat Pat's arteries. Of course we... :'''Terri:''' Did you used to make time for each other? I mean, I think that's the crucial question. :'''Emma:''' Sorry... :'''Ollie:''' Okay, just for a second, Aunt Terri, fuck off! :'''Terri:''' Where am I meant to go? :'''Ollie:''' Pretend you've got to go and have a shit or something. :'''Terri:''' ''(to Emma)'' You're going to be a lot better off without him. :'''Emma:''' What do you mean I'm going to be... :'''Ollie:''' You're not going to be better off... :'''Emma:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Sorry, have you...Do you talk about me at work? :'''Ollie:''' Oh, fuck this! This is like that nightmare I had about being on ''[[wikipedia:Loose Women|Loose Women]].'' :''(After Ollie walks away from the argument, however, he sees Glenn and Phil talking in the corner.)'' :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Phil)'' ...that one at all. I mean, everyone knows that Schumacher is Stig. :'''Phil:''' I think that was just publicity, just to keep it going. :'''Ollie:''' ''(to himself)'' Right. I'll go back to ''Loose Women.'' :'''Phil:''' ''(still talking to Glenn)'' Friend of mine thinks it's actually May, Hammond and Clarkson, purely 'cause Stig is an anagram of "gits." :'''Glenn:''' Oh, right. :''(Ollie is forced to go back to Emma and Terri's corner.)'' :'''Emma:''' I just don't think he should be talking about me at all, let alone things that are totally private. :'''Terri:''' No, I agree, I absolutely – ''(sees that Ollie has returned)'' Then the bank bonuses are very high, aren't they? :'''Ollie:''' I know you've been talking about me, Terri, because I've got this weird [[Derren Brown]] thing going on where I can see and hear things, Terri. :'''Emma:''' So, Ollie, what exactly have you been saying to them in the office about me? :'''Ollie:''' I've been saying, er, you smell of fennel, you're racist – :'''Emma:''' Funny. :'''Ollie:''' – you torture horses, and you're in [[wikipedia:The_Bangles|The Bangles]], that's what I've been saying about you at work. :'''Emma:''' See, I think you've been sexually bragging. :'''Ollie:''' Well, don't flatter yourself. :''(Stewart has finally entered the room.)'' :'''Stewart:''' ''(to Emma)'' Emma, I didn't send you here so you could chat about your sex life. I sent you here to back-block Peter's narrative, hmm? ''(Stewart then points to the Piercings Man)'' And what's happened to Phil? I mean, don't get me wrong, I like him, but I'm not seeing him in man-made fibers. :'''Emma:''' He's just drying his...He's drying his trousers. :''(Stewart's in quiet disbelief...)'' :'''Stewart:''' I don't want to know. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nicola:''' ''(seeing Stewart enter the control room)'' How perfect. Who should walk in... :'''Stewart:''' ''(to Janice)'' I'm Stewart Pearson, yeah? See the fat man that you're berating like he's a piñata? Well, I own him. :'''Richard:''' Peter Mannion, that's a fascinating development – :'''Peter''' ''(seeing Malcolm arrive)'': Oh! And as we speak, who should come rolling along the corridor but Malcolm Tucker, the man who was once referred to as the [[wikipedia:Gorbals|Gorbals]] [[Joseph Goebbels|Goebbels]]... :'''Stewart:''' Oh, don't do a joke. Peter, don't do a... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Richard:''' Peter Mannion, can you explain, please, why your party spin doctor has arrived entirely announced? :'''Peter:''' I would say it was an indication of how seriously our party is taking the allegations that we were... :'''Stewart:''' Don't say it again! :'''Peter:''' ...receiving donations from... :'''Richard:''' From a sweatshop labour company. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Stewart)'' Ooh! Did you prep him with this shit, yeah? :'''Stewart:''' Yeah, yeah, yeah. The last thing I said to him was go in there and bomb. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(chuckling)'' Well, it fucking worked. Usually, he comes across like, you know, just another third-rate Donald Sinden. But tonight, he's like a ventriloquist's dummy that's fucking falling to bits. :'''Stewart:''' Yeah, it's really nice to see you without those veins in your temples throbbing. :'''Malcolm:''' 'Cause you have really got your work cut out with him, haven't you? Look at the hair. You've got to do something. He's like fucking Swiss Toni. :'''Stewart:''' Yeah. Well, this is radio, Malcolm, but it's great to be getting this straight from you. Thanks. :'''Janice:''' Look, do you guys have to make so much noise? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Janice)'' I don't know if they told you this on your training day, love, but this is fucking soundproofed, that, they can't hear you. I mean, we're like Ted Moult to them. :'''Janice:''' Look, can you please get out? :'''Malcolm:''' No. Actually, we -- we are entitled to be in here. That lot, they should all be in here. All the political advisors should be in here. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm brings EVERYBODY into the Control Room!)'' :'''Malcolm:''' I just want to add to the party atmosphere. I'm perfectly entitled to this. :''(While Malcolm is doing this, Stewart is reading a text message off of Janice's computer screen)'' :'''Stewart:''' Gather round, everybody. There is a text here from Tim in Ruislip. This is what Tim's text says: "Nicola is a hypocrite. JFU also donate to the government. In fact, they donate twice as much as they do to the opposition." :'''Richard:''' ''(in the studio)'' Can I just say to the listeners at home, I have no idea what's going on now. We're in a studio, there's another room next door... :'''Malcolm:''' ''(pushing everybody out)'' We have to get out, right? Okay. Let's get, you know... :'''Stewart:''' What do you reckon, Malcolm? It seems like a big issue to me. :'''Malcolm:''' It's not. We're going to move on to piercings. :'''Stewart:''' ''(to Janice)'' Janice, I'm sure in the interest of balance, you'll want to... :'''Janice:''' Right, can you shut up, right? Malcolm's right, I decide what is news. :'''Malcolm:''' Absolutely. :'''Janice:''' And this is fucking news! :'''Malcolm:''' Bullshit! Right. See this here? ''(Malcolm goes to the "Shut Down" button.)'' You do it and I will press this fucking button. :'''Janice:''' Don't fucking threaten me! :'''Malcolm:''' This switch... :'''Janice:''' Richard, Tim in Ruislip. :'''Malcolm:''' You do that and I will... <hr width="50%"/> :''(Richard reads the text from "Tim in Ruislip," which turns the whole Murray-Mannion debate on its' head.)'' :'''Richard:''' We've just received this text message from Tim in Ruislip... :'''Stewart:''' ''(smiling)'' Ooh. She's actually put it through. :'''Richard:''' And he says, "Nicola is a hypocrite. JFU also donate to the government. In fact, they donate twice as much as they do to the opposition." :''(Malcolm is very upset with Janice for sending Tim's text message through to Richard's computer in the studio.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' That's your fucking career over, right, OK, you're fucking dead. And those three little words, 'Tim in [[wikipedia:Ruislip|Ruislip]]', are the fucking nails in your coffin, dear. ''(imitates hammering)'' Tim. In. Ruislip. Tim in fucking Ruislip. And as for Tim in fucking – :'''Janice:''' Yeah, okay, can you stop ''fucking saying that, please?'' :'''Malcolm:''' – FUCKING, fucking Ruislip, he's fucking dead as well! That fucking texting coward. Give me his number. What's his fucking number? Give me the fucking number of Tim in Ruislip. :'''Janice:''' ''(to her assistant)'' Erase it. Take it off the screen now. :'''Malcolm:''' If you don't give me his fucking number, do you know what I'm gonna have to do? I'm gonna have to fucking go to fucking Ruislip, and fucking snap the thumb and forefinger off of every single person I see, who I think resembles the kind of wanker that would be walking around in this day and fucking age with a name like fucking Tim! How do you think that sounds, huh? :'''Stewart:''' Quite, quite mad. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(whispering to Stewart)'' You and I have to have a word. :'''Stewart:''' ''(to Janice and her assistant)'' I think he wants me to step outside.<hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm is bossing everybody around, acting like he's the President of the BBC.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to the "Piercings Man")'' Right. You're on, mate. Come on. Get in there now. I want you in there rattling your fucking jewelry and talking about your fucking Prince Albert. Come on. :'''Stewart:''' ''(to Piercings Man)'' He doesn't actually work here. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to everybody else)'' Vamoose, you lot! Fucking vamoose! ''(to Piercings Man)'' Come on, Johnny fucking Depp. Get in here. :'''Piercings Man:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Get off! :'''Malcolm:''' I'll fucking shove a fucking magnet down your throat and watch your fucking face implode! Get in there! :''(The Piercings Man comes into the studio)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Here he is. Piercings. In you go. Sit down there, son, no problem, go ahead. :'''Richard:''' Now, I assume you're here for the piercings debate... <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm Tucker vs. Stewart Pearson: The Spin Doctor Showdown!)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Here's the fucking thing. Nobody talks about fucking dodgy donors, okay? Because it makes everybody look bad. :'''Stewart:''' Okay, I'll go with a different angle, then. How do you think it would land with your female voters if they were to find out that Tom Rudd forced his secretary into having an abortion? :'''Malcolm:''' That was her own personal choice, and by the way, it wasn't his. ''(whispers)'' Over here. :''(Malcolm and Stewart walk away from the studio)'' :'''Stewart:''' Wow! So him paying for a private clinic, then, was just because he's such a nice man? :'''Malcolm:''' He IS a nice man. What about your nice man at Central Planning, eh? The one who got a bit carried away and fucking slapped his kids about a little bit too much? Fucking broke the skin! But he wasn't such a nice man, was he? But I suppose that's just part of your "common sense checklist," yeah. All they need is a good slap and do please remember to leave your fucking rings on! :'''Stewart:''' You go check your facts, Malcolm. That was a domestic accident and nothing more. :'''Malcolm:''' Domestic accident, yeah, 'cause he's got fucking hands the size of fucking doors! :'''Stewart:''' Oh, you want to talk about hardmen, Malcolm, yeah? Now I know you've got to be hard to be a chief whip, but really, coke dealing at university? :'''Malcolm:''' Oh! Please, please! :'''Stewart:''' Hey, am I right in thinking he's now godfather to one of the PM's kids, yeah? :'''Malcolm:''' Listen, you know what I have got at the back of my fucking filing cabinet? I've got a fucking photograph that I've been waiting for a fucking ''rainy day'' to show everyone, which is a photograph of ''your'' fucking [[wikipedia:Shadow_Chancellor_of_the_Exchequer|Shadow Chancellor]], at one of his fucking parties, dressed up in fucking bra, suspenders, and fucking ''blackface!'' What's his defence gonna be, hey, when I email that to the fucking Sun? "Oh, well I am just de Shadow Chancellor"? :'''Stewart:''' Malcolm, he won't have a defense, because you haven't got that picture... :'''Malcolm:''' I have! :'''Stewart:''' Because that didn't happen! However, I do have a statement from a rent boy... :'''Malcolm:''' Oh, that's very useful for you. You can claim that against your expenses, can't you? :'''Stewart:''' Oh, yeah, funny, very funny. :'''Malcolm:''' And you'll get that for free. Is that one of the perks of your fucking job? :'''Stewart:''' No, listen. His statement says...he will swear that one of your prominent back-bench MPs paid him to sit on his chest! :'''Malcolm:''' DON'T! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm and Stewart actually reach a compromise.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Right, look, this is out of order, okay? :'''Stewart:''' Here's the deal. We both, both make statements saying that our guys in there, they were not in possession of all the facts. Hmm? But we're looking into it. :'''Malcolm:''' You'd do that? Hang your own guy out to fucking dry? :'''Stewart:''' What? Peter Mannion, MP? Yeah! Old guard? We're not sending him to DoSac to fatten him up. We're putting him out to pasture, Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' We should just go home. :'''Stewart:''' We can do that. We can just seal this in. Contain the toxicity. Chernobyl FM. :'''Malcolm:''' I mean, you carry on like this and I might not find you utterly fucking contemptible. :'''Stewart:''' That's an incentive. I'll get my bag. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm listens to the radio as he leaves in Nicola's car.)'' :'''Richard:''' Andrew in Suffolk writes, 'The body is a temple. Temples aren't made of metal. Case closed.' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola's driver)'' You couldn't turn that to [[wikipedia:Magic_(Radio)|Magic FM]], could you mate? Otherwise I'm gonna have to tear my eyelids off and scrunch them up into fucking earplugs. <hr width="50%"/> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Phil:''' You just start off about how great the City used to be, then how it's not so great now, and then end with a joke. It's the classic shit sandwich, you know: bread, shit, bread! :'''Peter:''' Phil, if anyone bites into a shit sandwich, they don't say, 'Mmm, bread!', they say, 'Oh fuck, I've got a mouthful of shit! ''(Janice the producer shoves him into the studio)'' You mental bastard! Why have you filled my sandwich with shi–' == Series 3, Episode 6 == :''(This is the opening scene of this episode.)'' :'''Glenn:''' Morning, Ollie. How's your head? Like a bat shat in it at all? :'''Ollie:''' No, I am, if anything, Glenn, I am hung-''under.'' First DoSAC party under the new regime, you lasted 'til, I'd say, seven? :'''Glenn:''' Yeah, well, I do have a life, Ollie. :'''Ollie:''' Yes, but only in the way that, you know, jellyfish or athlete's foot have a life. What was it last night, then? Candlelit annivorcery dinner for one? :''(Terri enters the scene carrying a large plant.)'' :'''Terri:''' Morning. :'''Ollie:''' Hello. (Ollie's curious...) Terri, what actually are you up to? Are you still drunk? :'''Terri:''' No, I had to get in early anyway, because this BBC man's coming. :''(Ollie notices that Terri's wearing trainers!) :'''Ollie:''' Are you wearing trainers? You ''ARE'' wearing trainers! :'''Terri:''' Yes. :'''Glenn:''' Yes. :'''Ollie:''' ''(laughing)'' If Signal toothpaste made trainers, that's what they'd look like. :'''Terri:''' Well, I don't see there's any... :'''Ollie:''' ''(pointing at Terri's trainers)'' This color for healthy breath... :''(Nicola enters the scene, and she's...a little hungover.)'' :'''Nicola:''' Morning, morning. :'''Terri:''' Do please let me... :''(Terri helps Nicola by taking her suitcase.)'' :'''Nicola:''' Thank you very much. :'''Terri:''' Would you like me to take your coffee? :'''Nicola:''' Oh, no. I'm clinging on to that for dear life, I tell you. :'''Terri:''' Well, it will dehydrate you. :'''Nicola:''' Good-o. :'''Ollie:''' Mojito Murray, they now call her. You know, they had to install speed bumps at the bar. She's like Gazza at Euro '96. :''(Ollie mimics somebody getting drunk.)'' :'''Nicola:''' I really love the division of labour in this place. I like the way the women do the heavy lifting and the men do the heavy sarcasm. <hr width="50%"/> :''(While Nicola is conducting an interview with a BBC reporter regarding Nicola's launch of her Fourth Sector Initiative, Glenn and Ollie are discussing the Prime Minister's world tour.)'' :'''Ollie:''' So why is the PM doing this world tour thing? What's the point of that? I mean, he's not easy on the world stage, is he? He walks like his dick's made of glass, you know? Is it a Malc plan? :'''Glenn:''' Could be? Or, you know, Steve Fleming's back, it could be him. :'''Ollie:''' Well, if he's back, it really is the end, isn't it? What are you gonna do when the shit goes down, then? :'''Glenn:''' Oh, plenty of options, Ollie. :'''Ollie:''' You could be a Beefeater. Do you want to be a Beefeater? :'''Glenn:''' Don't you worry about me, Ollie. I've got contacts. :'''Ollie:''' What do you mean, "Don't worry about me"? Are you big in Japan or something? :''(Glenn gives Ollie a wide, sly smile.)'' :'''Ollie:''' What? What's that smile for? Do you need winding? :''(And then, Glenn shares a BIG surprise with Ollie.)'' :'''Glenn:''' I'm going to stand in the election. :'''Ollie:''' (surprised indeed) Are you...Are you serious? :'''Glenn:''' I should hear later today whether or not I've got enough support for the Ilford East long list. :'''Ollie:''' Fucking hell. You on a massive poster. What's your slogan going to be? "He's old and sullen, vote for Cullen." How about that? :'''Glenn:''' Actually...I'm pretty excited about this. :'''Ollie:''' Sort of hard to take on board. It's like being told your dad's gay or something. (Glenn laughs while Ollie continues) I am strangely really proud of you. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Nicola's interview didn't go as well as she wanted it to, and now...Ollie's got some more bad news for her.)'' :'''Ollie:''' Right, so Ben Swain, the man you love to hate and love to sack, actually, is on his way up. :'''Nicola:''' Oh great, I'm flypaper for dickheads today. Right, I'm gonna get out of this funeral suit and chisel off the first three inches of makeup. ''(leaves)'' :'''Glenn:''' ''(seeing Ben arrive)'' Ah, the prodigal Swain returns. :'''Ollie:''' [[wikipedia:Ben_10|Ben 10]], [[wikipedia:Menstrual_cycle|Benstrual cycle]], [[wikipedia:Born_on_the_Fourth_of_July|Ben on the Fourth of July]]! :'''Ben:''' [[wikipedia:Polly_Put_the_Kettle_On|Ollie Put the Kettle On]], [[wikipedia:On_the_Good_Ship_Lollipop|On the Good Ship Ollie-pop]], [[wikipedia:Auld_Lang_Syne|Oll-d Lang Syne]]. :'''Ollie:''' How are things going at the Department of [[wikipedia:Tony_Blair#Leader_of_the_Opposition|Education Education Education]]? :'''Ben:''' They're going up the fuck-pump, Ollie, mainly because you are the Robin Hood of politics. :'''Ollie:''' Well, Robin Hood was a hero. :'''Ben:''' No, he was not a hero, he was a terrorist. You're just stealing from the Education Department and pumping it out as a DoSAC idea. This Back On Track Policy that you launched at your little chimps' tea party last night? Well, that sounds very similar -- ''Very, very sim'' -- Almost identical in fact -- to my Unify Policy that I ''was'' working on here until I was booted out by Knicker-Face. Right, where is Jenni Murray? :'''Ollie:''' No. Well, she's -- I really wouldn't go in... :''(Ben barges in on Nicola in her office -- while she's changing her clothes!)'' :'''Nicola:''' OH! :'''Ben:''' JESUS! :'''Ollie:''' Yes. She's just been doing an interview there, Ben. :'''Ben:''' What? An interview for what? [[wikipedia:FHM|FHM]]? What's she done to her face? She looks like a pissed Aunt Sally. :''(Nicola comes out of her office, and Ben tries to apologize for his rudeness.)'' :'''Nicola:''' ''(to Ben)'' Yeah, I really... :'''Ben:''' I'm very sorry again... :'''Nicola:''' Let's not talk about it ever again. :'''Ben:''' I will forget... :'''Nicola:''' Right. What do you want? :'''Ben:''' ...everything I've seen. Now, Back On Track, it is exactly the same as my Unify Initiative. I know you don't like me, you made that as clear as fish piss by kicking me out of here 10 nanoseconds after you arrived. :''(Ollie's cell phone has started ringing.)'' :'''Ollie:''' Malcolm's calling. I thought he was supposed to be sluicing sand out of Tom's thong in Ibiza or wherever they've got to. :'''Nicola:''' He is, he's away. He's in Spain. Just ignore, ignore Malcolm. :'''Ollie:''' Ignore Malcolm? :'''Nicola:''' Yeah, what can he do? :''(Malcolm is entering the scene on his cell phone. As he enters, he's leaving an odd message on Ollie's cell phone.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Ollie, mate. Ollie, you're not answering your phone and I'm getting really, really worried that you hurt yourself. I just keep getting these terrible images flashing in my head, you know. Of you being stabbed repeatedly in the face. Or of you in a coma on a life-support machine, dreaming about being a gay policeman in the 1970s. :''(But then, Malcolm looks up to see Ollie. Alive and well.)'' :'''Ollie:''' Malcolm, I can explain. :'''Malcolm:''' Ollie. Thank God that you're safe. :''(But just as it looks like Malcolm's getting ready to hug Ollie, Malcolm rudely holds up a mock "Peace" sign and points to Ollie's phone.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' That's from me, [[wikipedia:Zac Efron|Cack Efron]]. ''(Malcolm then notices Ben)'' What's Giant Gaystacks doing here? :'''Ben:''' Um, I'm here, Malcolm, because Nicola has been nicking my policies through Ollie. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Is this true, the Little Man in the Red and Yellow Car? :'''Ollie:''' No. :'''Nicola:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' I've been told by Steve Fleming to think the unthinkable. :'''Malcolm:''' Well, listen, ''I'' am telling you to ''un''-think the unthinkable – Shit, you can't even cope with thinking the thinkable. :'''Nicola:''' Why are you even here? :'''Terri:''' (jogging her way towards Malcolm) Hello, Malcolm. Oh, you look a bit tired. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Terri)'' Yeah. You look incompetent. :'''Terri:''' Yeah, tired and a wee bit grumpy. :'''Malcolm:''' Well, actually, [[wikipedia:Lucille Ball|Lucille Ballbag]], I am here to prep Nicola here for her BBC interview. :'''Nicola:''' A bit late for that. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm has to restart the conversation with Nicola and Terri in Nicola's office.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Terri)'' Terri, I fucking e-mailed you and I told you to move it to later, because I wanted to administer a preparatory fucking verbal cosh. Right? :'''Terri:''' Well... :'''Malcolm:''' And there it is. (Malcolm is looking at the e-mail on his cell phone.) It didn't fuck -- It didn't fucking send! :'''Terri:''' Ah! :'''Malcolm:''' It didn't send, right? :'''Terri:''' There you go. You just owe me an apology, that's all. :'''Malcolm:''' (insulted) I'm sorry? :'''Nicola:''' That's the one. :'''Malcolm:''' That wasn't an apology. That was a "pardon?" I'm sorry. :'''Nicola:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Why aren't you on the Tom tour, by the way? :'''Terri:''' Yeah, I heard Steve Fleming was on the tour. Hmm. Big beast. :'''Malcolm:''' Tiny fucking rodent, more like. He's part of the larger problem. :'''Nicola:''' Which is? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Have you been at Number 10 lately? Jesus, it's like the break-up of the Beatles, right? During the fall of the Roman Empire, while fucking [[wikipedia:Katie_Price|Jordan]]'s getting divorced from [[wikipedia:Peter_Andre|that bloke]]. All happening at the same time in a tiny fucking terraced house, yeah? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' Right, people, listen up! It's a fucking lockdown, right now! :'''Nicola:''' Oh, come off it! We're not in a prison drama, are we? :'''Malcolm:''' We are in a prison drama and this is the fucking [[The Shawshank Redemption|''Shawshank Redemption'']], right? But with more tunnelling through shit and no fucking redemption.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Malcolm:''' Is that trainers that she's wearing? ''(to Terri)'' Are you wearing fucking train– You're supposed to be a civil servant, not a fucking playgroup assistant. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ben:''' It's like wet play, isn't it? :'''Ollie:''' Hah! :'''Glenn''' ''(playing chess over the phone, with a miniature chessboard)'': Queen to knight 4. :'''Ben:''' I never had you down as a chess man, Glenn, I thought you might be more the kind to play Ludo or something. :'''Glenn:''' Do you mind? :'''Ben:''' Oh what, can you not multitask, [[wikipedia:Deep_Blue_(chess_computer)|Deep Beige]]? ''(He and Ollie laugh)'' :'''Glenn:''' What, check? Oh, fuck you! :'''Ben:''' Well, you know, politics is like a game of chess, Glenn, insofar as you're shit at both of them.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Malcolm''' ''(answering his mobile)'': Nicola Murray is not going to make a leadership announcement this evening. Permission to speak frankly and off the record, yeah? She's an idiot. I ''know'' that she's in the Cabinet, but look, that's like being disabled at a football match, yeah? I mean, she's very close to the action, but hardly likely to score a goal. That – No! That – How is that offensive? That is a very fair and accurate portrayal of just how fucking retarded she is.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Nicola:''' Are you emailing? Are you stirring this up? Is that why you came into DoSAC today: did you have a big bucket of shit and a whisk? :'''Ben:''' No. ''(beat)'' Yes, a bit. :'''Nicola:''' What are you saying? :'''Ben:''' Just, you know, 'Joan Rivers wants to be the new Prime Minister. Have a look at this clip of her online, staking her bid.' :'''Nicola:''' You treacherous shit. :'''Ben:''' Come on, it's not my fault you've dressed up like a dead geisha. :'''Nicola:''' Why are you doing this? :'''Ben:''' Because I'm bored, it's funny and – and I hate you. There you are, the holy trinity of why. :'''Nicola:''' Do you know, talking to you is like talking to a fucking whoopee cushion! :'''Terri:''' Right. Bit of good news. :'''Glenn:''' What? :'''Terri:''' ''Two'' bits, actually. Um... :'''Malcolm:''' Enough. Can we all just shut the fuck up, okay? So we can gather our thoughts. So, one at a time. [[wikipedia:Private_Godfrey|Private Godfrey]], get to your station. ''(Glenn runs to his desk)'' I want to hear what the word is on the street. :'''Glenn:''' All right, ''(reporting from his computer)'' 'Ben has been seen coming into DoSAC but not going out. Possibly Ben is her running mate as number two in a leadership bid.' :'''Ben:''' Hah! Right, I don't mind going out there now and telling them all face to face just how much I hate Nicola and how unlikely that is to happen, and get myself a sandwich, I'm fucking starving – :'''Malcolm:''' What did I just fucking say, what did I just fucking say? I said one at a fucking time. Stand up. ''(Ben does not stand)'' I'm telling you to fucking stand up, you sack of fucking cum! Stand the fuck up! ''(Ben stands)'' Fucking move, right. ''(Malcolm grabs a keyboard)'' See that? Fucking play with that, right? Never mind your fucking toys, play with that. ''(Malcolm hands Ben the keyboard and pushes him)'' Go and stand in that fucking corner. ''Stand over there, right? And do not move, or I will perform a fucking living fucking autopsy on you! With a fucking rusty spade, and I'll have your kidneys for fucking CUFFLINKS!''<hr width="50%" /> :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ben)'' See, you? Get me a fucking [[wikipedia:Curly_Wurly|Curly Wurly]], right? :''(Shortly afterwards, Ben gives Malcolm a Curly Wurly.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' It's a classic Curly Wurly I wanted. A Curly Wurly should be the size of a small ladder. :'''Ben:''' Your hands have got bigger. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nicola:''' That was utterly humiliating. For fuck's sake, Malcolm! :'''Malcolm:''' Shouldn't that be 'of fuck's sake'? :'''Nicola:''' I don't know what you're talking about. :'''Malcolm:''' May I just quote it to you? 'The Prime Minister is the right man ''for'' the moment.' :'''Nicola:''' Yeah. That's what you told me to say. :'''Malcolm''': ''Of'' the moment, ''of'' the moment, I told you to say '<nowiki/>'''''<nowiki/>'''of'' the fucking moment': there's a huge difference between me saying to you, 'Nicola, I would like to go'' for'' a lovely walk with you', and 'Nicola, I would like to make a hat out'' of'' your fucking entrails!' ''(And then, Malcolm's cell phone rings. Again.)'' Excuse me. :''(Who's on Malcolm's cell phone NOW?)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Steven. ''(beat)'' Yes, well you can tell Tom right now that I'm fucking sweating embryos for him, okay? <hr width="50%" /> :'''Ben:''' Look at this! Takeaway and a fight. All I need now is a handjob in a bus shelter, I've had the great British night out. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nicola:''' Jesus, you're about as on the ball today as a dead seal! :'''Malcolm:''' Hey, that's one of my fucking lines! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' Terri, I thought we had a deal, right? When I need your advice I'll give you the special signal, which is me [[wikipedia:Involuntary_commitment_internationally#United_Kingdom|being sectioned under the fucking Mental Health Act]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' How fucking dare you. Have you any idea of the amount of pressure that has been exerted on my skull, huh? It feels like my brain has been fucking emptied into little packets, into fucking crisp packets. Cheese and onion fucking crisp packets, that contain my living, breathing, fucking brain! :'''Terri:''' Malcolm, I'm really sorry, I – :'''Malcolm:''' ''And these crisp packets'' – cheese and onion, smoky bacon – they've been stomped on. They've been fucking stomped on! By Ben, fucking Nicola – :'''Terri:''' I didn't mean to be horrid – :'''Malcolm:''' AND FUCKING YOU! :''(long silence)'' :'''Malcolm:''' I'm sorry. :'''Terri:''' ''I'm'' sorry. :'''Malcolm:''' ''I'm'' sorry. :'''Terri:''' I'm sorry. :'''Malcolm:''' No, I'm over it, okay? Don't you apologise, don't you fucking apologise, you don't need to apologise. I love this place. I do! I mean, fucking compared to Number 10, this place, this place is fucking tranquil, yeah? Over there, 300 yards down the road, I mean it's like a fucking cancer ward: I mean, there are people in there, they're fucking screaming at each other. They're screaming, 'You gave me this fucking disease. You gave me this fucking disease!' And every corner that I turn, there's another threat, Terri: hacks! Hacks, fucking vampire hacks! And they're slaughtering us, Terri, THEY ARE FUCKING SLAUGHTERING US, AND THEY WANT MY FACE FOR A FLANNEL! :'''Terri:''' Yeah. :'''Malcolm:''' And you know what? I used to be the fucking pharaoh, Terri, I used to be the fucking pharaoh! Now I'm fucking floundering in a fucking Nile of shit! But I am gonna fashion a paddle out of that shit. Yeah? :'''Terri:''' Mmm. Good idea. :'''Malcolm:''' I'm not going down. I am not going down. Yeah? :'''Terri:''' ''(whispers)'' Yeah. :'''Malcolm:''' How are you feeling about things? :'''Terri:''' Well, you know, I'm just trying to do my best and, you know, make sure I can still get home by six o'clock. Do you want a huggle? :'''Malcolm:''' No, I think – That's nice of you, I really appreciate it. Terri, it's been nice to have a chat, but I've gotta get on. :'''Terri:''' Okay. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. Let's get back on track. :'''Terri:''' Get back on track. :''(both leave the room)'' :'''Malcolm:''' As they say, right? :'''Terri:''' Funny to use that phrase. :'''Malcolm:''' All righty-o, okay, Nicola, let's see you in your office, please. :'''Ollie:''' What did he say? :'''Terri:''' Dunno, it was all about ancient Egypt. :'''Ollie:''' Ancient Egypt? :'''Terri:''' Yeah. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Nicola's Fourth Sector Initiative launch speech has bombed...and that's not the only thing that's bombed)'' :'''Glenn:''' Uh, sorry I missed it. Did it go well? :'''Nicola:''' Nope. :'''Glenn:''' Well, uh, more good news. Um...I'm afraid my chances of becoming an MP have been torpedoed...by the U-boat that was you. The selection committee decided that my association with you was too divisive. :'''Ollie:''' The dream is over, eh? :'''Malcolm:''' I'm devastated. I had 500 quid on you being the new Foreign Secretary. :'''Ollie:''' Uh, it's a great loss to regional politics, for sure. :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Nicola)'' By flying so close to your bright Sun like Icarus, I have crashed to the Earth and died. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' Ladies and Gentlemen, the dirty protest is now over; please mop up your shit and fuck off home. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' Make sure fucking Nicola doesn't top herself, eh? :'''Terri:''' Yeah, sure. :'''Malcolm:''' Make sure that Ben does.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Ollie:''' What are you gonna do when the shit goes down, then? :'''Glenn:''' Oh, plenty of options, Ollie. :'''Ollie:''' Really, have you really, you've got plenty of options, have you? ''(Glenn nods.)'' What are those options, let's see, you can't – you can't hold a golf sale sign because of your back, you can't be a prostitute 'cause your waterworks aren't up to it, you can't be a drugs mule, 'cause of your arse, that's too slack, isn't it, so what does that leave you with, you could be – Local weatherman would be perfect; or, er, you could run a whelk stall, how about that? You could be a dinner lady or a [[wikipedia:Speed_bump#Speed_bumps|sleeping policeman]], actually on the road: just lie down, let the cars – You could become one of those people who manipulates their cock and balls into funny shapes for the paying public, it would be nice for them to have a little run out. Or, you could just basically walk into a hospice, and wait to kark it.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Malcolm:''' That's from me, Cack Efron. It's a coded message basically telling you that, if you ignore me or my fucking calls again, I'll fucking rip your head off, right? I'll fucking plant a palm tree in your neck, and I'll fuck you fucking tenderly in its shade! :'''Ollie:''' I can tell you've been away, your threats are including palm trees now.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Jesus Christ, [[Crosby, Stills & Nash|Crosby, Still, Nash and fucking Young]] – Look at the lot of you, it's like walking into an installation at the [[wikipedia:Tate_Britain|Tate Gallery]] that everybody's forgotten about. ==Series 3, Episode 7== :''(At the start of this episode, Nicola and her team are getting ready to launch DoSAC's Healthy Choices Campaign. The scene starts with a delivery man delivering big bottles of water.)'' :'''Glenn:''' ''(to the delivery man, chuckling)'' Oh, that's great. Don't know why we've ordered so much water. We've all got rabies. :'''Nicola:''' ''(on her cell phone)'' So, basically, just get crisps shaped like rockets, rainbow-colored ice cream, you know the stuff that all the other kids have at their parties. :''(MORE big bottles of water!)'' :'''Glenn:''' (surprised) Blimey! More? What are we doing? Opening a dolphinarium? :'''Nicola:''' (off her phone) Good. Sorted. So...Sorry about that. Where were we? :'''Glenn:''' Uh, healthy eating. :'''Terri:''' Beneficial Lifestyle Choices. :'''Ollie:''' Get in! :'''Glenn:''' What? :'''Ollie:''' (happily) I've just landed Andy Murray. :'''Nicola:''' YAY! That's brilliant! Andy Murray? :'''Ollie:''' I've definitely got Andy Murray! :'''Nicola:''' Andy Murray, the face of Healthy Choices. :'''Glenn:''' Oh, all right. :'''Terri:''' The tennis player? :'''Ollie:''' (sarcastically) No, the fucking pianist. :'''Nicola:''' Nicola Murray ''NETS'' Andy Murray! :'''Ollie:''' Well, we both netted him together. :'''Terri:''' Are you sure you want him? :'''Nicola:''' Uh, yeah! :'''Terri:''' Murray? ''(beat)'' Doesn't it sound like nepotism? :'''Nicola:''' (Not appreciating Terri's criticism) Like, in the way people think Russ and Diane Abbott are related? :'''Ollie:''' Yeah. :'''Terri:''' Possibly. :'''Glenn:''' And Bill Murray's her father? :'''Terri:''' Okay, I'll level with you. I don't like him. :'''Nicola:''' (annoyed) Who would you suggest then, Terri? :'''Terri:''' Paula Radcliffe. :'''Ollie:''' ''Pooey Paula?'' That's not healthy. Shitting in your own pants, that's definitely not a healthy image. :'''Glenn:''' She could demonstrate how to do the Hop, Shit and Jump. :'''Terri:''' That is very unfair. It only happened once. :'''Ollie:''' Once is all you need! Imagine if Bruce Forsyth, beginning of ''Strictly Come Dancing...'' (Ollie pretends to poop) "There we go!" You'd never hear the end of that. And quite rightly! :'''Nicola:''' Terri, can we move on from your hatred of Andy Murray, and can we start trailing a major DoSAC initiative? Now, don't give any details at this stage. Just say it's major TBA. :'''Terri:''' TBA? :'''Nicola:''' To be announced. :'''Terri:''' Oh, just... :'''Nicola:''' It's really self-defeating if I have to explain abbreviations to you. :'''Terri:''' Sure, sure... :'''Nicola:''' FFS. :'''Terri:''' ''(to Glenn and Ollie)'' What's FFS? :'''Glenn:''' Oh, for fuck... :'''Nicola:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Oh, we're gonna need Malcolm clearance, Ollie. Okay? ''(to Glenn)'' Glenn, can you get rid of all this water as well? It looks like something out of fucking [[wikipedia:Doctor Who|Doctor Who]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Meanwhile, Malcolm is at home serving Indian food to some journalists.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Here they come, it's the [[wikipedia:Flying_Scotsman|Flying Scots-curry-man]]. ''(sings)'' 'Where's your pappadam?' You have got to try this aubergine, it's cooked in [[wikipedia:Ghee|ghee]], right? I fucking love ghee, it's like fucking [[wikipedia:Free_base|freebasing]] butter. Have some more wine, come on, get quaffing. ''(mobile rings)'' Christ, here we go. ''(answers)'' No, we don't do takeaway, right? ''(all laugh, as Malcolm walks away)'' Listen, see, if this is recorded spam, I'm gonna hunt you down and burst your fucking lungs. :'''Ollie''' ''(at his desk)'': Where actually are you, Malcolm? :'''Malcolm:''' I'm on holidays! :'''Ollie:''' ''Where'' are you on holiday, where? :'''Malcolm:''' Right, OK, I'm in Thailand, in a sex spa. About to get a fucking facial. :'''Ollie:''' Right, quick summary: [[Andy Murray]], famous tennis player, also lovely Scotch person, face of Healthy Lifestyle Choices. Nicola Murray, slightly panicky, er, minister-lady: wonder if that's OK with you? :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah yeah yeah, Andy Murray, yeah, Andy Pandy, fucking Gandhi having a hand-shandy, whatever, just, you know, fuck off out of my life, OK? :'''Ollie:''' Okey dokey! ''(hangs up. To Nicola and Glenn)'' [[wikipedia:Del_Monte_Foods#Pop_culture_references|The man from Hell Monte, he say 'Fucking aye'!]]<hr width="50%" /> :'''Malcolm:''' (apologizing to his guests) Sorry about that. Everybody's heard about the cooking, so it's... :'''Geoffrey:''' So, Malcolm, what's all this about? :'''Malcolm:''' Well, I know that these are hard times for print journalists, yeah? I mean, I read that on the internet. I mean, one day you're writing for the papers and the next you're sleeping under them. :'''Marianne:''' What, so this is like Malcolm Tucker's Soup Kitchen? :'''Malcolm:''' Well, it is, kind of, in a way. I just think that you should have one big square meal before you end up fucking living off white lightning in your own feces. Come on, get stuck in. I'll dish it up for you. :'''Marianne:''' What about Tom bringing back Steve Fleming? Kind of makes you old news, doesn't it? :'''Geoffrey:''' You repositioning yourself, Malcolm? :'''Malcolm:''' This is about a guy sharing his ghee. That's it. Okay? :'''Geoffrey:''' So you're not currying favor, then? :''(Marianna starts laughing at Geoffrey's joke.)'' :'''Marianne:''' (laughing) Sorry... :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Geoffrey, jokingly)'' Fuck you. Get out of my house. Get out of my fucking house. That's it. I know...I mean, no wonder nobody's fucking buying your paper. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Meanwhile, Nicola, Glenn, Terri and Ollie are still getting over Malcolm being on holiday.)'' :'''Nicola:''' He's really on holiday? :'''Terri:''' Malcolm hasn't been on holiday for 10 years. :'''Glenn:''' Malcolm's got to keep moving or he's dead. He's like a shark of [[wikipedia:Bob Dylan|Bob Dylan]]. :'''Terri:''' Well, who's driving the bus? :''(Steve Fleming enters the office and starts greeting the staff.)'' :'''Steve Fleming:''' Morning! Morning, DoSAC. :'''Glenn:''' Oh. :'''Nicola:''' Bollocky bollocks. It's the [[A Christmas Carol|Ghost of Christmas Shit]]. :'''Glenn:''' There's your answer, Terri: that's the man driving the bus, that's [[wikipedia:Reg_Varney|Reg bloody Varney]]. All stops to electoral oblivion, ding ding. :'''Nicola:''' Get in my office, come on. It'll buy us a bit of time. :''(They all do so, as Steve continues to move towards them.)'' :'''Glenn:''' Come on, have a look. :'''Ollie:''' I've never seen Steve Fleming in the flesh. :'''Nicola:''' You're lucky. :'''Ollie:''' For a man who brought us back into power, he's not very imposing, is he? He's like a Lego policeman. :'''Nicola:''' Look at him. Super Mario. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Steve joyfully enters Nicola's office with cups of coffee for her and her team.)'' :'''Steve:''' Morning, campers! :'''Nicola:''' Steve Fleming! :''(Nicola and Steve shake hands, BUT...)'' :'''Steve:''' Oh, no. :'''Nicola:''' Hello. Oh! Okay... :''(At Steve's insistence, he gives Nicola a HUG! Fun for Steve...but not so much for Nicola.)'' :'''Steve:''' (happily) Hello, Nicola. :'''Nicola:''' Hi. :'''Steve:''' You look like you've lost some weight. :'''Nicola:''' (surprised) Do I? :'''Steve:''' Yeah! :'''Nicola:''' I don't think so, but... :'''Steve:''' (very pleased) Oh, I think so, yes. No, your face looks quite gaunt. Muscly. :'''Nicola:''' Does it now? :'''Steve:''' Anyway, I come bearing caffeinated gifts. :''(Steve presents the cups of coffee, and the team is appreciative of his gesture. Then, Steve gets down to business.)'' :'''Steve:''' I'm gonna cut to the chase. I need you to publish...all the crime stats since 2004 as an accompaniment to our Transparent Government launch. From 2004 up to the last quarter. :'''Nicola:''' Okay, we are just about to launch, um, Healthy Choices. ''With'' Andy Murray. :'''Steve:''' Andy Murray! Whoa! (Steve mimes a tennis volley.) Ace! :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Steve)'' Good joke. :'''Steve:''' ''(to Nicola)'' We'll make a Minister of you yet. :'''Nicola:''' I mean, after that, we can try and get you something for, say, end of the week? :'''Steve:''' After? Why after? Why not right alongside? Or, here's a thought...Before. :'''Nicola:''' Because we're under-resourced and it's not a priority. :'''Steve:''' The PM thinks it is a priority. It can be done. ''(beat)'' Oh, I seem to have reached the end of my argument. :'''Nicola:''' Okay. Well, look, um, why don't we say Thursday lunchtime. Okay? :'''Glenn:''' Well, you've got Fran's leaving lunch on Thursday. :'''Nicola:''' I have got a lunch. Thursday afternoon. :'''Steve:''' (still smiling) Yes, I don't give a fuck about Fran's leaving lunch. I'm saying ''Now now now now now now now now. Now!'' :'''Nicola:''' Okay. Chillax. We're on the case, Steve. :'''Steve:''' Lovely. Thank you very much. :'''Nicola:''' Good. Okay. Well, it's a delight to see you again. :'''Steve:''' Oh! :'''Nicola:''' Oh, I get another one. :''(Another awkward hug between Steve and Nicola.)'' :'''Nicola:''' (jokingly) Mind my gaunt face. :'''Steve:''' ''(to the whole team)'' Bye-bye. :'''Nicola's team:''' Bye. <hr width="50%"/> :''(After their first meeting with Steve Fleming...)'' :'''Ollie:''' What do you call that? Obsessive Repulsive Disorder, I would say. :'''Nicola:''' I'm gonna ring Malcolm. Holiday or no holiday, I'm gonna ring Malcolm about this. :'''Ollie:''' ''(impersonating Steve)'' 'Caffeinated gifts!' :'''Terri:''' Malcolm never brought us coffee. I like him. :'''Ollie:''' Yes, well you like bath salts, you're basically an idiot. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Meanwhile, at Malcolm's house with the journalists...)'' :'''Malcolm:''' So everybody's for coffee, yeah? :'''Geoffrey:''' Mmm-hmm. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, I'm sorry I can't do espressos. But I've made this so thick and black, it'll be like fucking drinking plimsolls. :'''Marianne:''' This Steve Fleming thing is gonna end in tears, isn't it? I mean, you sacked him last time. :'''Malcolm:''' All right. Right. Okay. Off the record. Right? Okay? While Steven is a useful tool, and I do emphasize the word "useful" here, I'm still running the show. Right? :'''Geoffrey:''' If you're still running the show, why do you need to tell us? :''(Malcolm calmly -- but still menacingly -- walks up to Geoffrey, with the pot of coffee still in his hand.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' (calmly) Geoffrey, all I'm saying is this: It would be very much fucking appreciated if you could emphasize the fact that I'm at the heart of the government. Because it's fucking true. I am the heart. I am the ventricles. And the fucking aorta. :'''Marianne:''' (chuckling) Malcolm, we get it. You're still the star of the show. :'''Malcolm:''' It's not for me to say, darling. :'''Geoffrey:''' No, you're still the star of the show. Yeah, until they start wheeling out the celebrities. What's next, Malcolm? Ant and Dec as the new fucking litter tsars? That's when you know you're 20 points behind in the polls. :'''Malcolm:''' Oh, well, thank you very much, Mr. Fucking Prick Robinson. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Nicola's getting a phone call from a certain someone...)'' :'''Terri:''' Nicola, it's your nephew on the phone. :'''Nicola:''' What? :'''Terri:''' Your nephew. Andy Murray. :'''Nicola:''' (Very excited) Fuck! On the line, now? ''OH, MY GOD! It's Andy Murray on the line!'' What line? :'''Terri:''' Press two. :'''Nicola:''' He's not there, Terri! Fuck's sake! :'''Terri:''' Maybe it was three. :'''Nicola:''' God, it drives me insane! Is he there now? :'''Terri:''' Yeah, yeah. Hang on, let me just get him off hold. :'''Nicola:''' It really pisses me off! The fucking phones in this whole -- Andy! Hello! It's Nicola Murray, yes! What a delight to talk to you! :''(While NICOLA Murray's chatting on the phone with ANDY Murray, Ollie gets a call on his cell phone from Malcolm.)'' :'''Ollie:''' Hi, Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' Ollie. Andy Murray. :'''Ollie:''' Oh, good. We are literally confirming him as we speak. :'''Malcolm:''' Ditch him. We can't go with celebrities. Right? It's just gonna look bad. :'''Ollie:''' Why? :'''Malcolm:''' We're gonna look desperate, all right? :'''Ollie:''' Well, uh...Steve Fleming likes the idea. :'''Malcolm:''' Never mind what Mummy says. Just do what Daddy says, right? :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, whilst you're on, um, just, um...there's another thing. Uh, Mummy has asked us to publish the crime stats as part of the Transparent Government initiative. Is that all right with Daddy? :'''Malcolm:''' It's fine. :'''Ollie:''' Really? Because, um, Nicola's got that baffled, panicky look like a child on the ghost train. :'''Malcolm:''' Give me a second while I look up my little file of things I really don't give a fuck about. And here we have under the letter N, we've got "nail-bombing golf clubs," there is, uh, the National Trust, there is Newcastle...Nicola Murray. Yes. She's still there. So fucking can Andy Murray and just get on with the fucking crime stats. :'''Nicola:''' ''(still on the phone with Andy)'' I'll make sure Kate liaises with my press whiz kid, uh, Terri Coverley. She's a woman. But listen, if there is anything else we can do for you, ''please'' don't hesitate to call. Dare I say it, we are ''here to serve'', (laughing) if you'll excuse the pun. All right, Andy. Take care. Bye. <hr width="50%"/> :''(But now, Ollie has to give Nicola the bad news...)'' :'''Ollie:''' Malcolm says we have to drop him. :'''Nicola:''' (in disbelief) What? :'''Ollie:''' Andy. He's not in, he's now out. Apparently, according to Malcolm, sent to bed without any barley water. :'''Nicola:''' I mean, he's a fucking tennis player! We're not asking Shane MacGowan! ''Why?'' :'''Ollie:''' It's nothing personal. He just said bringing in celebrities looks desperate. He said it's the sign of a dying government. :'''Nicola:''' We are a dying government! Our hair's falling out, and we're coughing up blood, and our kids are asking us to change the will! :'''Ollie:''' Look, he was quite clear about this. He said just, you know, kill it. Kitten, breeze block, sack, canal. :'''Nicola:''' Oh, I can imagine him being clear about it. Right. We've gotta get on to -- ''(to Terri)'' ''You've'' gotta get on to... :'''Terri:''' Me? :'''Nicola:''' ...Andy Murray's people and find a polite way of saying, "Piss off, Andy. Apparently, you're too well-known to front our public awareness campaign." :'''Terri:''' Right. :''(But Glenn has some GOOD news on the crime stats.)'' :'''Glenn:''' Right! Good news is I have done all that pile and that's in the system. :'''Ollie:''' Excellent. :'''Glenn:''' (stretching his back) Oh, fuck me! :''(But then, Glenn sees a trolley-full of more crime stats headed his way!)'' :'''Glenn:''' ''What the hell's THIS?'' :'''Ollie:''' It appears to be a trolley-full of crime stats. :'''Glenn:''' "Vandalism?" "Bicycle theft?" Oh, this is ridiculous! :''(And just when he says THAT, Glenn kicks open a box of crime stats!)'' :'''Ollie:''' Well, that's given us an unexpected head start, well done. I would kill you but I'd have to add you to the fucking figures. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nicola:''' ''(to Terri)'' Okay. Think about what you're gonna say. :'''Terri:''' Yeah. Okay, I've done that. :'''Nicola:''' What? Already? Is that enough time? :'''Terri:''' ''(on the phone)'' Kate. Hello. Uh, Terri Coverley. Yes. Yeah, we're thrilled about Andy being on board. :'''Nicola:''' ''(whispering to Terri)'' Get on with it. :'''Terri:''' (stammering) No. I'm not actually saying that it's... :''(Nicola then sees Steve Fleming entering the room. Again.)'' :'''Nicola:''' (still whispering) Shit! End the call. End the call. It's Mustache Sally. Fleming! Steve Fleming's here! Put the phone down! :'''Steve:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Ah, Nicola Murray! How are the crime stats coming along? :'''Nicola:''' It's not easy, Steve, as you can see. But Glenn and Ollie are on top of it. :'''Ollie:''' "Other theft?" What the fuck is other theft? :'''Glenn:''' I don't know what other theft is. :'''Steve:''' If you want to stay late, or pull an all-nighter, if you think it'd help – :'''Glenn:''' You want us to work all through the night on this? :'''Steve:''' It would be very much appreciated upstairs. :'''Ollie:''' Hah, well: I'm an atheist. :'''Steve:''' ''(laughs)'' By the Prime Minister. I did get the joke, by the way. :'''Ollie''' ''(mouthing)'': Well done. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm is back from holiday in this scene, and he's having a warm and friendly chat with his loyal assistant, Sam.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' (happily) Good morning, good morning, good morning! I'm back! I'm sorry I left my sombrero at home, but here I am. What do you think of the tan, huh? What do you think of this shade? I call it "Custard Cancer." (Malcolm gets a delivery.) Oh, thank you very much. :'''Sam:''' Where did you go? :'''Malcolm:''' I went to, um, Easter Island. I thought I'd spend my time there re-chiseling all the statues, so that they'd look like Westlife. How about a coffee? :'''Sam:''' Oh, I've sent you a link to Andy Murray's website. There's, uh, something you should see. :'''Malcolm:''' Andy Murray's website? :''(While Sam leaves Malcolm's office to get him a cup of coffee, Malcolm reads about the big news on Andy Murray's website...)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Andy says, "Just agreed to lead the government's Healthy Choices campaign. Eat, live, be well." Fuck a Pot Noodle. :''(Uh-oh...)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Sam, prepare my horse. I ride – to DoSAC! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nicola:''' Hello, Terri. :'''Terri:''' Morning, Nicola. :'''Nicola:''' Who am I, Terri? :'''Terri:''' You're Nicola? Nicola Murray? :''(Nicola nods her head "Yes.")'' :'''Terri:''' Ah. Secretary of State for... :'''Nicola:''' That's right. I'm Secretary of State. So why has a sports personality launched my policy on his fucking website? :'''Terri:''' Ah! No, I know. I know exactly why that is. :'''Nicola:''' You didn't make the phone call, did you? :'''Terri:''' Well, uh, yes. :'''Ollie:''' Nicola, um, in other really bad news -- Good morning, by the way. :'''Glenn:''' (on the phone) This is about the crime stats, yeah? :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, some of the crime stats that we published, as it turns out, were unverified and not ready for being in the public domain. Uh, Marianne Swift from ''The Mail...'' :'''Nicola:''' Oh, Swine-Face Swift. :'''Ollie:''' That's the one. She noticed, uh, a drop in the figures for aggravated burglary in the last quarter. Whereas when she checked it out... :'''Nicola:''' There was no drop. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah. :'''Nicola:''' Right. So Swine-Face Swift and her piggy hack-hog colleagues... :'''Ollie:''' Exactly. So we're getting a lot of, uh, oinking on the phones. So basically what that means is that the department -- well, essentially the royal you, um, seem to have massaged the crime figures. :'''Nicola:''' Great. Thank you, Steve fucking "Ew, Nicola!" Fleming! :'''Ollie:''' Yup. He is a fucking...ninny, isn't he? :'''Nicola:''' Bring my dispatch boxes. :'''Ollie:''' Okay. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Steve:''' Malcolm! :'''Malcolm:''' Oh, there he is, [[wikipedia:Bob_Carolgees|Bob Carolgees]]; how's the wee comedy dog? :'''Steve:''' Welcome back. Good holiday? I hear your kitchen's lovely at this time of year. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well actually, I went to Spain. :'''Steve:''' Oh, nice. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah yeah, I went to Malaga, it was lovely. I was golfing with [[Stephen Hawking]], he's fucking shit. He lied about his handicap. Mind you, I never had to hire a golf buggy, I just sat in his lap. :'''Steve:''' Please. Why do we have to be like this? All this negative energy. Come on! :'''Malcolm:''' What? :'''Steve:''' Well, we've got to work together. So, you know... :'''Malcolm:''' So what? I mean, that doesn't mean we have to like each other, does it? :'''Steve:''' No, I mean... :''(Someone's trying to get past Malcolm and Steve.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to the passer-by)'' Sorry. (He politely lets him pass through.) :'''Steve:''' We both know we don't like each other, everyone knows that, we are the Gallagher brothers of politics. :'''Malcolm:''' How does that work? Does that mean that I'm [[Noel Gallagher|the semi-talented songwriter]] and you're [[Liam Gallagher|the fucking loutish prick]]? That's a lovely analogy. :'''Steve:''' You were the one who forced me out of the sodding band. ''(chuckles)'' Come on, let's have a chat. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm and Steve continue their unfriendly chat in an office.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' You were asked to leave the fucking band. And you wouldn't fucking go, would you? You had to hang on in there, like a [[wikipedia:Limpet|limpet]] up a whale's arse. :'''Steve:''' Why do you thrive so much on being disliked? :'''Malcolm:''' People hate me? Good! Bring it on. Do you know what they say about you? :'''Steve:''' I'm sure you're going to tell me, Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' I'll tell you ''exactly'' what people think about you! :'''Steve:''' All right, go on then! :'''Malcolm:''' ''Fuck-all!!'' :'''Steve:''' Oh, do they? ''FUCK-ALL?'' :'''Malcolm:''' People have ''no'' fucking opinion about you! You're like fucking [[wikipedia:Special K|Special K]] or fucking the Moody Blues. That's you, fucking white noise in the background—Funny? Is that funny? Do you find that funny? :'''Steve:''' No, I don't find anything you're saying funny whatsoever. And I'll tell you a home truth, Malcolm Tucker: The people who are really hated in this country, the people who are really hated, are us. This government. How about we stand together? Let's both be team players, shall we? :''(But then, Malcolm's cell phone beeps.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Were you the Einstein that OK'd this fucking Andy Murray thing at DoSAC? Because I've got ''The Telegraph'' on here. (Steve's cell phone then beeps.) And you've probably got ''The Times'' asking why the budget's been pre-announced on Twitter by fucking Ryan Giggs. :'''Steve:''' (looking at his cell phone) Shit! "The last quarter's crime stats, which DoSAC have published, are unconfirmed projections." Shit! :'''Malcolm:''' That's DoSAC for you. :'''Steve:''' Come on, Malcolm. Team players! :'''Malcolm:''' Bring me sunshine. :''(Both men leave the office.)'' <hr width="50%"/> :''(Meanwhile, at DoSAC, Glenn, Ollie & Terri are on their desk phones, trying to get a better handle on the news of the moment.)'' :'''Glenn:''' (on his phone) No, we're not manipulating the figures. Somebody quite simply made a mistake. No. No, I couldn't possibly say who. :'''Ollie:''' (on his phone) Glenn Cullen. Glenn with one, one N. :'''Terri:''' (on her phone) We have actually decided to go in a different direction from Andy. :''(Steve and Malcolm have entered the room, both making a beeline for Nicola's office.)'' :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Good holiday? :'''Malcolm:''' Shut it, you fucking hairdresser. :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Got any photos? :'''Malcolm:''' I've got a photo of you in a minute with your cock nailed to the desk. Hey, you want to see something that's truly worth photographing? Look at Steve Fleming at work, eh? That's the real master of spin. He's [[wikipedia:Jimi Hendrix|Spinny fucking Hendrix]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''(And now, Steve & Malcolm are confronting Nicola in her office...much to Nicola's dismay...)'' :'''Steve:''' Nicola, you and your department have screwed up! :'''Malcolm''' ''(entering)'': I'd like to agree with the previous speaker, only adding the words 'fucking royally'. :'''Nicola:''' Oh Jesus, am I being gang-bollocked? :'''Malcolm:''' Andy Murray's [[wikipedia:Tim_Henman|Henman]]-fisting us in the press. We can't have that – :'''Steve:''' Well, with undue respect, Malcolm, the crime stats cock-up is a much bigger deal. :'''Nicola:''' This is such a great double act, isn't it? Good Cock, Bad Cock! :'''Malcolm:''' I'll tell you what, why don't you go first, mate? I need a wazz. ''(leaves)'' :'''Steve:''' I like you, Nicola, I quite like you. But darling, I've gotta ask you, what the bloody hell happened? :'''Nicola:''' Like you asked, we published the crime figures from 2004 up to the last quarter. :'''Steve:''' Yes, up to the last quarter but not up to and ''INCLUDING the last quarter, you dozy mare!'' :'''Nicola:''' 'Up to' includes the thing you're going up to. Right? If you say count up to 20, it means count up to ''and include'' the number 20! :'''Steve:''' The events leading up to the Second World War do ''not'' include the Second World War! :'''Nicola:''' We haven't got time for a semantic argument about this. :''(Malcolm returns.)'' :'''Steve:''' Listen, sweetheart – :'''Nicola:''' ''Do not'' fucking call me sweetheart! :'''Malcolm:''' I think you'll find that Steve was addressing me: the 'tache is a bit of a giveaway. :'''Steve:''' I will draft a statement. :'''Malcolm:''' You fucking will not draft any fucking statement! :'''Steve:''' I've been minding the shop! :'''Malcolm:''' You were fucking minding the shop, and what happened? A bunch of fucking schoolkids came in and fucking dropped their trousers and fucking had a shit in aisle 5! :'''Steve:''' Well thank you for giving us a guided tour around the Freudian nightmare of your head! :'''Nicola:''' Could you two decide between you in which order, and from which direction, I'm gonna be shafted? <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm and Steve are playing a "Tug of War" of sorts for Nicola's attention.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Ignore him. Just come with me. Come into my office. :'''Steve:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Let's deal with the crime stats... :''(But Malcolm successfully brings Nicola into his "office..." and shuts Steve out.)'' :'''Steve:''' (knocking on the door) Come on. Malcolm. Malcolm. MALCOLM! (Steve starts laughing uncomfortably) Sorry about this, everybody. :''(Malcolm is happy to shut out Steve, but he's still visibly annoyed.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Goodbye. Give my regards to the rest of the fucking Village People. :''(But then, Terri knocks on the office door.)'' :'''Terri:''' (outside the door) Sorry, Nicola, Mal--um, excuse me. It's Andy Murray. He's-he's insisting on talking to you. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Talk to him. :'''Nicola:''' What? :'''Malcolm:''' Get him back on board. Fucking talk to him. :'''Nicola:''' NO! :'''Malcolm:''' (whispering) Yes. :'''Nicola:''' You cannot be serious! :'''Malcolm:''' Was that an attempt at a joke? :'''Nicola:''' You told me to kill it! I've killed it! :'''Malcolm:''' Right now, some photos in the papers of a very boring man with tight white shorts on is gonna be a very pleasant distraction from Steve's fucking crime stats abortion. :'''Nicola:''' If we need a fucking celebrity, can we try somebody else? Steve Redgrave. :'''Malcolm:''' He's a boring fuck! :'''Nicola:''' Lewis Hamilton. :'''Malcolm:''' Fucking boring, boring fuck. And fucking drives a car. :'''Nicola:''' Chris Boardman. :'''Malcolm:''' Fucking cyclist! Are you fucking mental? ''Everybody'' hates cyclists! Even fucking cyclists hate fucking cyclists! Plus, ''he's'' a boring fuck! :'''Nicola:''' I cannot... :'''Terri:''' (''still'' outside the office) Paula Radcliffe? :'''Nicola:''' No, she shat in the street! :'''Malcolm:''' And she's a boring fuck as well. :'''Nicola:''' How about we just launch the policy without a celebrity? :'''Malcolm:''' (sarcastically) Oh, great idea. "Hello, there. Hi, everyone. I, Nicola Murray, would like to say to you that even though you don't fucking know me from fucking Adam, I think you should cut down on carbs." <hr width="50%"/> :''(Meanwhile, Steve is trying to turn a negative into a positive. He wants to get Glenn and Ollie to fix the crime stats crisis.)'' :'''Steve:''' Lads, let's get this crime stats cock-up sorted. What have you both got so far? :'''Glenn:''' Well, actually, now we've been trying to think of a replacement for Andy Murray. Some of the women footballers...uh, Jessica Clark, or Sue Smith. Or Faye White. :''(Steve's starts smiling, but he's getting annoyed.)'' :'''Steve:''' I ''cannot believe'' the energy going into Andy Murray! (Starts laughing again) I can't! :''(Steve starts leaving DoSAC.)'' :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' What's his problem. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm is talking on his cell phone while heading to his office.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Just try and wrap your gin-addled brain about this, right? I ''did'' say I was at the heart of government. But when... :''(Steve Fleming is already in Malcolm's office.)'' :'''Steve:''' Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' (on his phone) Excuse me. :'''Steve:''' I need to talk to you. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Steve)'' One second, please. ''(back to his phone)'' Listen, when that...When that incident occurred, I was on holiday. Are you saying to me that my wee caravan's a great fucking waste of time? And my stupid fucking wing mirror extensions? :'''Steve:''' (pointing to the TV) The crime stats and Andy Murray, Malc. It's a double fault. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(answering a knock at his door)'' Listen, if you are not a prostitute or a pizza guy, fuck off! ''(to Steve)'' Steve, listen, could you eat or fuck whatever's at the door on your fucking way out, please? ''(to a colleague)'' No thanks. ''(back on his phone)'' How can I be held responsible? What, for what? I've created a what around the government? I've created a vibe? Listen, son, the only fucking vibe you have to worry about is the one that your wife hides in her knicker drawer. ''(back to Steve)'' I am on top of this, okay? :'''Steve:''' Oh, fine, fine. You know, I'm just saying I'll gladly lend you a hand if you feel the need to keep your head down. :'''Malcolm:''' I don't need to keep my head down, because unlike yourself, I don't give blowjobs to truckers. :''(Another knock at Malcolm's office door...)'' :'''Malcolm:''' I SAID FUCK OFF! :''(The door opens, and -- SURPRISE! It's Julius Nicholson!)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Oh, it's Lord Nicholson! What an enormous pleasure this is! :'''Julius:''' (with a big smile) Well, in fact, it's, um, the Right Honorable the Lord Nicholson of Arnage. And the kissing of feet may commence! :'''Malcolm:''' You got all your stuff ready for your official lording ceremony? Have you got your mink thong and your ermine colostomy bag? :'''Julius:''' No, I don't, no. I have to hire that, unfortunately. I can't wear it on the Tube or the bus, but I would. It would be great larks, but there we go. :'''Steve:''' How about a coffee? Coffee? :'''Julius:''' Well, um, if there's coffee going, I'd never say no to a nice cup of coffee. :'''Malcolm:''' Do you not drink coffee anymore? Is it all port and swan's blood these days? :'''Julius:''' Swan's blood. That does sound nice. No, I'm just sort of passing through, because obviously we need to start booting up this crime stats inquiry. But it's in effect an investigation into the facts. But I thought since I was passing through... :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, but you don't have to talk to me about that, do you? 'Cause I was on my holidays then. Did you get my postcard? :'''Julius:''' Well, I will speak to whomsoever I need to speak to, holiday or no holiday? :'''Malcolm:''' Where did you learn to speak like that? Is there a special school that's just you and Brian Sewell went to? :'''Julius:''' I'm gonna leave you to it, frankly. :'''Malcolm:''' So soon? :'''Steve:''' And I'm gonna make tracks as well, Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' Okay, good to see you both. :''(But just before Steve leaves...)'' :'''Steve:''' ''(to Malcolm, softly)'' The problem is that you are shifting from the man people love to hate to the man people just hate. From [[wikipedia:Simon Cowell|Simon Cowell]] to [[wikipedia:Piers Morgan|Piers Morgan]]. :'''Malcolm:''' See you later, and remember, my door's always open. :''(And when Steve leaves, Malcolm throws part of the bagel sandwich he was eating onto the door in disgust.)'' <hr width="50%"/> :''(Glenn and Ollie are reading stories about Malcolm in the newspapers.)'' :'''Ollie:''' I had no idea, no idea that it was Malcolm who drafted Fleming's resignation letter in 2003. :'''Glenn:''' I forgot your political memory only goes back two issues of [[The Economist]]. :'''Ollie:''' Hey! There's a reference to you here, Cullen. :'''Glenn:''' Where? :'''Ollie:''' 'Alleged to have assaulted an elderly aide at a party conference.' :'''Glenn:''' Elderly aide? :'''Ollie:''' Elderly aide. :'''Glenn:''' God, that makes me sound like a fucking stairlift! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm sees Nicola outside his office.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Hey, [[wikipedia:Dora the Explorer|Dora the Explorer]]. :'''Nicola:''' (sighing) Still here, then, Malcolm? :'''Malcolm:''' Time for a milky drink? Come on. Come on in. I wanna have a word with you. :''(Nicola reluctantly comes into Malcolm's office...)'' :'''Malcolm:''' There you go. How was Cabinet? Was it good? Is Tom looking after you? :'''Nicola:''' You're all over the newspapers like a pissing puppy, Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' Well, I think you'll find that's what we masters of the dark arts call a blip. Tomorrow that will all be old news. It'll be like the fucking [[wikipedia:The War of the Roses|War of the Roses]]. Or [[wikipedia:AIDS|AIDS]]. Remember AIDS? Listen, Nicola, see that? Did Julius mention to you about his inquiry? :'''Nicola:''' Yeah. :'''Malcolm:''' The inquiry into the whole fucking crime stats cock-up? :'''Nicola:''' Yeah. :'''Malcolm:''' You know the phone call that came through to me from your office? You know, about the whole idea? :'''Nicola:''' Yeah, yeah. :'''Malcolm:''' It didn't happen, right? :'''Nicola:''' You want me to cover your back? :'''Malcolm:''' I want you to get the old inquiry screen out and slap it on, fucking factor 50, why not? Listen, I'll tell you what. This is what I'll do. I will get for you some really good press attention for your fucking Healthy Choices nonsense. How about that? I'll get you some big fucking healthy headlines. :'''Nicola:''' You're in no position to give me anything. You're not -- you can't even get a fucking bagel cleaned up off your door. Do you mind? :''(Nicola gets ready to leave Malcolm's office, but he's still trying to talk to her.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' What? Do you think I can't get it up anymore? Is that it? You're looking at fucking Lazarus, sweetheart. And not just plain Lazarus. I'm fucking self-raising Lazarus, right? <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm has organised positive press coverage of DoSAC's Healthy Lifestyles policy)'' :'''Glenn:''' Well done Malcolm. :'''Ollie:''' He's very impressive, isn't he? In the way that, you know, [[Mao Zedong|Chairman Mao]] was actually quite impressive. :'''Glenn:''' Well that's the thing about the evil, isn't it, their amazing work ethic. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' How are the hacks? :'''Steve:''' Ready to eat their own cocks. :'''Malcolm:''' They're only journalists, Steve, not fucking [[wikipedia:Rangers_F.C.|Rangers]] supporters. :'''Steve:''' I know they are. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well, I need 10 minutes. I need to google some jokes about Andy Murray. :'''Steve:''' Shall I go first? :'''Malcolm:''' Warm them up. Tell them [[wikipedia:Laurence Olivier|Olivier]] is on his way, but in the meantime, here's an audience with [[wikipedia:Peter Bowles|Peter fucking Bowles]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''(A short time later, Malcolm spots Julius again.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Oh, there he is. Screaming Lord Crutch. I like the flunkies, by the way. That's a very nice touch. It's a wee bit [[wikipedia:Graham Norton|Graham Norton]]. :'''Julius:''' Don't needle me, Malcolm. Not when people are under scrutiny. :'''Malcolm:''' ''I'm'' under scrutiny? :'''Julius:''' Yes. :'''Malcolm:''' I'm fucking Nosferatu. That's really fucking scary. :'''Julius:''' (unimpressed) I'm walking on. We're moving on. I'm Ian Botham. I'm walking on for hospice care. :''(And then, Malcolm sees Nicola...and he sneaks over to her when nobody's looking.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' How's it going with Lord Bonnie Longford? :'''Nicola:''' I've not been in yet. I've just been standing here for 20 minutes. :'''Malcolm:''' So IF this phone call does come up... :'''Julius''' (Seeing what Malcolm's up to) No! No, that's not... :'''Nicola:''' You're nothing if not persistent, are you, Malcolm? :''(Julius breaks up the conversation.)'' :'''Julius:''' Don't do that! I made it quite clear... :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Julius)'' I was standing over there and I thought, "Nicola's choking." But she wasn't. She was laughing, retrospectively, at your massive shiny head. ''(to Steve)'' Oh, what happened? Did you get heckled off? What was the line? "Taxi for [[Tom Selleck]]!" :'''Steve:''' Yeah. Could I have a quick word? Just...just five minutes. :''(Steve takes Malcolm into the office to have a private chat.)'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Steve:''' So, Malcolm, mate. :'''Malcolm:''' What is it? What's...What's the problem? You look like you fucking coughed up your own twin. :''(An awkward silence...)'' :'''Malcolm:''' No, no, no, no...I need to talk to Tom. :'''Steve:''' No, Tom isn't immediately available to you. :'''Malcolm:''' Fuck off. :'''Steve:''' Malcolm, the Prime Minister respects you enormously. :'''Malcolm:''' (on his cell phone) Sam, get a hold of Pat, right... :''(But then, Malcolm's cell phone shuts off.)'' :'''Steve:''' Actually, I'm gonna need that. That's an official Blackberry. :'''Malcolm:''' (answering a door knock) Fuck off! :''(Julius enters the office.)'' :'''Julius:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Right. Your five minutes starts now. :'''Malcolm:''' Fuck off. :'''Steve:''' ''(to Julius)'' This is an acutely private moment, Julius. Would it seem terribly rude if I asked you to ''shit off'' for five minutes? :'''Julius:''' Yes, it would. :''(And now, Nicola enters the office.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Can you fuck off as well? :'''Nicola:''' ''(to Julius)'' Julius, what -- ''(to Malcolm)'' Sorry, excuse me? ''(back to Julius)'' Julius, what is the deal? :'''Julius:''' At ''the moment'', Malcolm is getting ''The Sack.'' :'''Nicola:''' (stunned) Shit. Now? Literally? I mean, in -- I'm actually in the sacking? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Yeah, well, let's see what the fucking Prime Minister has to say about that! Huh? Let's see what he has to say! :'''Steve:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Listen to me a minute! The Prime Minister supports you fully in whatever you decide to do next. :''(Steve presents Malcolm with a pen and paper, in effect asking for his resignation.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' You. Fucking Nicola. Right, tell them. Fucking tell them that there was no fucking phone call. ''(beat)'' Speak! I fucking ask you, speak! Open Sesame! :'''Nicola:''' I'm not, I'm not here, Malcolm. I'm not... :'''Malcolm:''' You are fucking here! :'''Nicola:''' I'm not seeing this. :'''Malcolm:''' Open your fucking mouth for once and say something! :'''Nicola:''' I'm not getting involved. :'''Malcolm:''' You fucking speak! You've always fucking got something to say! :'''Nicola:''' I'm only a Cabinet Minister! :'''Malcolm:''' Fuck off, then! :''(Nicola runs out of Number 10.)'' :'''Steve:''' Malc, Malc – :'''Malcolm:''' Don't fucking touch me! :'''Steve:''' Come on, Malc! :'''Malcolm:''' You cannot fuck me! You cannot fuck me! I am unfuckable! I have never been fucked! And if you fucking try and fuck me, you'll find my fucking arse will fucking grow fucking fangs! :'''Steve:''' Yeah, all right, now come and listen to me! Will you listen to me – :'''Malcolm:''' And fucking snap your fucking cock off – :'''Steve:''' MALCOLM TUCKER, WILL YOU LISTEN TO ME?! :'''Malcolm:''' Go right ahead. Yeah, let's hear it, let's hear it. :'''Steve:''' Listen to me for one second. :'''Malcolm:''' Go right ahead. :'''Steve:''' I wouldn't tell ''you'' what I've just told you ''before'' I'd told the press pack, would I? That would be very very unprofessional. So there's no point in getting angry because the show's over. It's curtains. No curtain call. Everyone ''loved'' the show, but it just wasn't ''buttering'' any ''parsnips'' ANYMORE, BROTHER! :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. You don't have the fucking balls, apart from that great inflated fucking ball on the fucking end of your fucking neck. :'''Steve:''' (looking at the TV behind Malcolm) Ooh, look. Oh... :''(Malcolm's resignation is now the big story on BBC News.)'' :'''Steve:''' (whispering softly) "Malcolm Tucker resigns..." Looks pretty factual to me. :'''Malcolm:''' Fuck this. Fuck this. Fuck you all. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm is now chasing himself into Steve's office!)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Get back to fucking ''[[wikipedia:The Wind in the Willows|Wind in the Willows]]'', 'cause that's where you fucking belong! :'''Steve:''' I didn't ask you to -- I didn't ask you to come back in. Would you leave my office, please? :'''Malcolm:''' I'm not fucking gonna waste my breath on you. :''(And now, Malcolm is marching his way towards Julius! Yelling and cursing along the way!)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Julius)'' As for you... :'''Julius:''' Malcolm, I am sick to death -- You can explain -- :''(Malcolm puts his hands on Julius and pins him up against a door!)'' :'''Julius:''' Don't TOUCH me, Malcolm! :'''Malcolm:''' I'll fucking touch you if I like! :'''Julius:''' Because I'll tell you this, man! :'''Malcolm:''' You'll tell me WHAT? :'''Julius:''' YOU shafted me, boy! :''(Julius fights back and puts his hand on Malcolm!)'' :'''Julius:''' I'll fucking strike you, Malcolm! :'''Malcolm:''' Don't you fucking touch me! :'''Julius:''' I warn you! :'''Malcolm:''' Don't touch that scarf! That's Paul Smith! Twat! ''(to somebody else)'' MOVE! :''(Malcolm is finally leaving Good Ol' Number 10.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' YOU WILL SEE ME AGAIN! (Malcolm heads towards the door.) You will fucking see me again! ''(He leaves Number 10.)'' <hr width="50%"/> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Marianne Swift:''' So all this is homemade, is it? :'''Malcolm:''' Of course it is! Look, I mean, this is going to be like [[wikipedia:Jamie_at_Home|Jamie at Home]], right, except I'm not going to be bouncing around spouting Cockney drivel out of my fat, lisping, ox face. <hr width="50%"/> :''(deleted scene)'' :''(thinking about options other than Andy Murray for the Healthy Eating launch)'' :'''Terri:''' What about [[wikipedia:Lynda_Bellingham|Lynda Bellingham]]? :'''Ollie:''' Yes, that'd be convincing, 'Eat less salt', says [[wikipedia:Oxo_(food)#Marketing|the dancing Oxo lady]], good idea. No one from [[wikipedia:Calendar_Girls_(play)|the stage show of Calendar Girls]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''(deleted scene)'' :''(Reading stories about Malcolm in the newspapers)'' :'''Glenn:''' I forgot your political memory only goes back two issues of The Economist. :'''Ollie:''' That's right, Glenn, you'll have to hold my hand through this complicated world: some of us weren't up the Acropolis the day that you and [[Roy Jenkins]] invented democracy. :'''Terri:''' Oh my God. Did you know that he'd been some kind of womaniser? :'''Ollie:''' You wanna check the Sun, they've got a woman who claims he womanised her three times in a day at the gazebo at Chequers. Front, back, and in the gallery, as I understand it. ==Series 3, Episode 8== :''(At DoSAC, Glenn and Ollie can't get over Malcolm Tucker's resignation.)'' :'''Glenn:''' You know, I just can't quite believe this. I mean, this is the single most shocking thing I've seen in politics since the SDP. I thought he'd at least go out with a bang or a killing spree. :'''Ollie:''' I always imagined he'd just shout so hard his lungs would come up and choke him to death. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Over at Opposition HQ, however, Malcolm's departure is being celebrated by Peter Mannion and his team.)'' :'''Peter:''' End of an era! :'''Emma:''' Yeah, a really shit era though, isn't it? :'''Phil:''' ''(cheering)'' WHOO! :'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' Oh, f-- Calm down! :'''Phil:''' Balrog's dead! I mean, that's it. I mean, they're done. I mean, no one can replace him. It's like when Queen lost [[wikipedia:Freddie Mercury|Freddie]]. You know. Certainly not [[wikipedia:Paul Rodgers|Paul Rodgers]]. :''(Stewart Pearson, however, wants no part of the festivities. He wants everyone to get back to business.)'' :'''Stewart:''' All right, everyone. That's the two seconds of respect due to him. Now get back to your desks and do something, okay? ''(to a female worker)'' Not the sofa! Who are you, Lorraine Kelly? Get out here and do something! If you've nothing to do, leave, because you're clearly surplus to requirements! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Steve is at DoSAC, trying to gently assure everyone that everything's alright.)'' :'''Steve:''' Um, lads and lasses! ''(He laughs)'' Please, just a quick word. Thank you. Really, it's just a hand-hold to set the tone for a slightly re-jigged regime. I've done all the important departments, and now I've got to you. ''(He laughs again)'' Seriously, I've done that joke everywhere, but, uh, even with the genuinely big departments. So I'm not -- ''(imitating gun fire)'' -- aiming at you in any sort of a snide way. I'm just checking that we're all at the very top of our games. ''(Steve then looks at Glenn, who's looking at his cell phone.)'' Glenn, mate? :'''Glenn:''' Sorry. :'''Steve:''' Are you on top of your game? :'''Glenn:''' I am -- I am ''above'' my game. I-I'm in a geo-stationary orbit, way above it, looking down and going, "Hello, game, it's Glenn!" :'''Steve:''' (laughing) Right! You know, there's an election looming. This is quite a serious time. We need to be aware of that. (Steve points in Glenn's direction, smiling) But I love humor, and that was good humor. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm is at home with a man going through alternative career options.)'' :'''Man:''' Do you want to swim the Channel for [[wikipedia:Scope_(charity)|Scope]]? :'''Malcolm:''' No! :'''Man:''' Do you want to do ''[[wikipedia:Dragons'_Den_(UK_TV_series)|Dragon's Den]]'' for ''[[wikipedia:Children_in_Need|Children in Need]]''? :'''Malcolm:''' I'd rather fuck a real dragon. :'''Man:''' Would you consider promoting a politically themed restaurant? :'''Malcolm:''' How does that – how does that even work? Oh fuck no, I don't care. :'''Man:''' Would you like to write a children's book, called 'The Angry Spider'? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Steve:''' So, everything: Good. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, you know, a bit of instability with Malcolm gone, a sort of sense of Post – you know, Psychotic Twats Disorder, but – :'''Steve:''' No no, listen, I understand, but you know, right now, you're all emerging from the cellar – pleased that the beatings have stopped - scared of what the future might hold, but long-term, I think we're all going to be okay. Pep talk, over! Return to your desks, and prepare for government. :'''Ollie:''' We're in government. :'''Steve:''' ''(smiling, but clearly annoyed)'' Well then, prepare to ''stay'' in government. :'''Ollie:''' Oh right. How do we do that? :'''Glenn:''' We pack an overnight bag. :'''Steve:''' ''(apoplectic) Will you '''PLEASE, FUCKING WELL –''' (Steve immediately composes himself, and lets out a forced laugh)'' I'm sorry, I've lost my temper! Where is it? Where is it? Oh, no, I've found it again. It's alright. :'''Ollie:''' Always in the last place you look, eh? :'''Nicola:''' ''(to Steve)'' So, can I...? :'''Steve:''' Yeah. :'''Nicola:''' Great. :'''Steve:''' Uh, actually, can I have a word with you, Nicky, please? :'''Nicola:''' Yeah. Nicola. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Steve wants to talk to Nicola in her office about the upcoming election...and he's standing a bit too close for her comfort.)'' :'''Steve:''' I just wanted to check. Obviously, Dan Miller's cabal is going house to house through the cabinet looking for numbskulls stupid enough to resign to trigger his elevation to the throne. :'''Nicola:''' ''(nodding)'' Obviously. :'''Steve:''' What I need to know is are you solid? :'''Nicola:''' Yeah, I am completely -- I am solid as, as the proverbial. As-as a rock. As a rock-hard...as a sailor's wang on shore leave. :'''Steve:''' ''(very pleased)'' Superb. You really are the potty mouth, aren't you? :'''Nicola:''' ''(chuckling)'' Well, a lot to do. :''(After Steve leaves her office, Nicola calls out to Glenn & Ollie.)'' :'''Nicola:''' Ollie, Glenn, in here now. Quick, quick, quick. :''(Glenn approaches the office while taking off his glasses.)'' :'''Nicola:''' Oh Glenn! Don't faff around with your glasses, I know you take them off every time you come in here. It's not impressive. ''(to Glenn and Ollie)'' What do we know about the anti-Tom cabal? Why have I not been contacted by them? :'''Glenn:''' Well, um, uh... :'''Ollie:''' Because it would be you...uh, you're seen very much as an individual around the, uh... :'''Nicola:''' ''(embarrassed)'' That's bollocks, isn't it? It's 'cause I'm the girl at the party nobody wants to dance with. I'm the freak in the corner with a pint of cider and blackcurrant and the funny eye. :'''Ollie:''' No no. I-I mean, it's...You know, it a big, big Rolodex full of numbers. I'm sure... :'''Nicola:''' ''(to both Glenn & Ollie)'' Thank you. You may go. :'''Glenn:''' ''(stammering)'' We st-We still would like to dance with you. :'''Nicola:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Oh, fuck off. Go and put your glasses back on. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm is watching the nightly TV news at home when, all of a sudden, his cell phone rings...)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Hello, Phillip Schofield, I fuck lobsters for money. :''(Somebody is telling Malcolm something important.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Oh? <hr width="50%"/> :''(Julius Nicholson is trying to persuade Malcolm Tucker to return as the two of them are sharing an Indian take-away meal.)'' :'''Julius:''' Take the rice first. :'''Malcolm:''' Thank you. :'''Julius:''' Um, I want you to be very clear, Malc, about why it is that I brought you in. Do you know what hat it is that I'm wearing? :'''Malcolm:''' Is it your baldy swimming cap wig? :'''Julius:''' No, it is my government troubleshooter stetson, which is a long way from my homburg of sober inquiry. :'''Malcolm:''' Do you know that I'm thinking of doing a television program? :'''Julius:''' Well, I had heard something on the grapevine. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, it's good. You know that program ''[[wikipedia:Civilisation|Civilisation]]'' with Kenneth Clarke? :'''Julius:''' Oh, yes. :'''Malcolm:''' It's gonna be like that, except with fucking more quim, you know? It's me, Simon Schama and Alan Yentob in a cage, fucking lump hammer each, whacking the shit out of each other. The last man standing wins a fucking [[wikipedia:Ford Focus|Ford Focus]]. :'''Julius:''' The thing is, Malcolm, your departure has basically precipitated a call-to-arms, in effect. We have it on reasonably good authority that there are between three to four cabinet ministers who are disgruntled and are planning a mass resignation. And that means, very simply, a Dan Miller coronation. And as my nephew would say, "This shit just got real." :'''Malcolm:''' Your nephew? :'''Julius:''' Yeah, he's at Charterhouse. Only a day boy, not a boarder. Anyway, the fact is it has to be stopped. Um...There have been a number of ideas being tossed around. And one of them is...would you be prepared to come back? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(in disbelief)'' Are you out of your tiny, shiny fucking mind? :'''Julius:''' Look, we can do this simply. :''(Julius picks up four colored pencils.)'' :'''Julius:''' Step 1: Are you interested? Of course you are. ''(Julius drops a pencil)'' Step 2: Will you come back? Yes? ''(He drops another pencil)'' Superb. Step 3, and this is the important step: Will you use your considerable influence to destroy the cabal? Can I drop it down? ''(Julius drops down that pencil, too)'' Fan-dabi-dozi! Step 4: It's party time. Let's tool up with basmati rice and...Wahey! :'''Malcolm:''' ''(rightfully confused)'' You're asking me -- to come back here and mop up the fucking splatter from my own assassination? :'''Julius:''' You know where the bodies are buried. And we'll just say you're coming back to advise, it's election strategy, it's not a day-to-day government business role. :'''Malcolm:''' I can't come back again unless I know that I'm in the clear in your report. :'''Julius:''' I'm not in a position to discuss that; not with my current hat on. However, would I be sat here now if the man in the other hat—which is also me—wasn't sure that everyone involved in this inquiry didn't come out relatively well? :'''Malcolm:''' And what about Steve Fleming, yeah? You schizo hat fuck? :'''Julius:''' Let me put it this way: You see this onion bhaji? Let us pretend for a minute that this onion bhaji is the problems that would be caused by a report that criticised you or Steve Fleming. Hmm? Watch. ''(Julius takes a bite of the bhaji.)'' You see what I’m doing? I’m eating.. the onion bhaji. ''(He eats the rest of the bhaji.)'' Why? Because I am the man that makes the bhaji go away. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Steve approaches Julius while he's feeding ducks)'' :'''Steve:''' The rain in Spain stays mainly on the plain. :'''Julius:''' Well, actually, that is a popular misconception because what happens is the rain falls just before the mountain ridge, but they wouldn't want you to know that because it would spoil the rhyme. :'''Steve:''' Julius, what's up, Boo Boo? ''(both laugh)'' :'''Julius:''' Not much, I'm just feeding some victuals to these poor old ducks. That red-crested pochard there is positively ''hoggish'' with this Hovis. :'''Steve:''' I heard certain rumblings that I don't come out terribly well in this report of yours. Off the record, matey, am I fucked? :'''Julius:''' Off the record, and this is strictly between you, me and that ornamental gatepost over there, of course; the report is strictly confidential until publication. Haha, do you see what I've done there? The bald man has done a funny. :'''Steve:''' It's not funny. No, it's not funny at all, Julius. :'''Julius:''' ''(continuing to laugh)'' I beg to differ. I think I'm on sparkling form. :'''Steve:''' ''For '''fuck's''' sake!'' You ''FUCKING... Pontius'' Pilate, with the emphasis on '''''PONCE!''''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Glenn:''' ''(reading a headline about Steve and Julius on'' Times Online'')'' 'Care to do another draft, Sir Whitewash?' :'''Ollie:''' What have ''The Mirror'' got? :'''Terri:''' 'Give us the bald facts?' Oh it's very rude that, isn't it: I was always taught never to make personal remarks about people. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Glenn:''' OK, listen up everybody, that was Gavin over at Number 10. He reckons that Steve Fleming has just joined the cabal. :'''Everyone:''' Ooh! :'''Terri:''' That's a complete disaster, there'll be nothing else on television for weeks. :'''Ollie:''' Where's Malcolm? Where's the dark knight in all this? :'''Glenn:''' Malcolm will have grabbed his false passport by now, he'll be on a plane to Brazil, and he's about to spend the rest of his days being [[wikipedia:Marathon_Man_(film)|the world's scariest dentist]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nicola:''' Hello. You all right? You've got that 'cock in the cookie jar' look. :'''Ollie:''' He's back. :'''Nicola:''' Who? Barrymore? :'''Ollie:''' No. :'''Nicola:''' Clement Attlee? ''(realises)'' Oh fuck! :'''Ollie:''' Yes. :'''Nicola:''' Malcolm. :'''Ollie:''' Yes. :'''Nicola:''' Oh, no. God, he's gonna kill me. I was there when he was being sacked and he asked me for help, and I held out and now he's gonna want revenge isn't he? Fuck, fuck, fuck, it's gonna be like 'Kill Bill' or 'Get Carter', only it's gonna be 'Get and kill Nicola and then get Carter and Bill to fucking kill her too'! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nicola:''' Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' Hey Nicola! How are you doing? :'''Nicola:''' You're back. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah I'm just, you know, tying up a few loose ends. :'''Nicola:''' With which you're going to plait some kind of garotte and strangle me. :'''Malcolm:''' Forgive and forget. That's my motto. :'''Nicola:''' I thought your motto was '[[wikipedia:Who_Dares_Wins|Who fucks wins]]' or '[[wikipedia:Honi_soit_qui_mal_y_pense|Honi soit qui Malc y fuck]]'. :'''Malcolm:''' I've got a lot of mottos. Don't take that job, Nicola. :'''Nicola:''' God, Malcolm – :'''Malcolm:''' The anti-Tom brigade are just waiting for the first piece to fall. If you resign, it's political fucking Jenga. You will cause a landslide that will ''bury'' this Government. And you'll keep the party in opposition until Daniel Radcliffe is advertising walk-in baths in the fucking [[wikipedia:The_People's_Friend|People's Friend]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Julius:''' You... :'''Malcolm:''' Julius! :'''Julius:''' ...are a naughty bastard! :'''Malcolm:''' ''(Holding up Julius' report)'' Best thing I've read all year. It's the only thing, mind you. :'''Julius:''' You've done some pretty awful things to me in my time, but this takes the bloody biscuit. And you've pissed on that biscuit and I've got to eat it. Well, here's the news, Malcolm, I will not eat the pissy biscuit! :'''Malcolm:''' Sam, no pissy biscuits. ''(to Julius)'' What are you going on about, Julius? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' Are you off to clear your desk, Steve? Don't forget your lucky [[wikipedia:Gonk|gonk]], and your "World's Shittiest Dad" mug. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Steve:''' I'm going to resign from the Cabinet. And then, I'm going to join Dan Miller's team. ''(beat)'' I think we need a new leader. ''(walks off)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(following)'' Steve! :'''Steve:''' Oh, no, no, no! :'''Malcolm:''' Steve, don't you ever take up fucking poker, 'cause you're a crap liar. :'''Steve:''' I am gonna join Dan Miller's team and then we are gonna take you down; we are gonna take you down to funky town! ''Funky Town Centre, here you come!'' ''CHOO FUCKING CHOO!'' :'''Malcolm:''' Is this what you're threatening me with, fucking disco lights and a fucking choo-choo train? You're a joke, Steve! :'''Steve:''' ''(laughing)'' There's nothing you can do! :'''Malcolm:''' Steve! :'''Steve:''' Yeah? :'''Malcolm:''' There's ''one'' thing I can do! :'''Steve:''' What are you gonna do? :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, wouldn't you like to know! :'''Steve:''' Who are you gonna meet? Who's your meeting with? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(walking off)'' Bye-bye! :'''Steve:''' ''I'M NOT FUCKING WORRIED, MATE!'' ''(walks down the corridor)'' Fuck him! Fuck him! Fuck him! Fuck him! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stewart:''' All right now, listen up, my children of a lesser god, you will find a file marked 'Snap Election Drill' on the J drive. And if you don't know how to access the J drive, hand your pass in at reception, go and buy some silver body paint, and pretend to be a robot on the [[wikipedia:South_Bank|South Bank]]. Fly my pretties, fly! :''(Suddenly, Phil's cell phone rings.)'' :'''Phil:''' Stewart! Stewart, The Fucker's downstairs. :'''Stewart:''' No, no, no. He's not downstairs, but if he were, I'd know about it, and if I knew about it, I would have vetoed it. Okay? :'''Emma:''' He is, and he is complete poison. :'''Peter:''' Ah, The Fucker! ''(to Stewart)'' And you thought he was just a myth created to frighten naughty MPs into eating all their truffles and swan. :'''Stewart:''' Watch my lips. Cal Richards is not here. :''(But Cal Richards IS there...and he's headed their way.)'' :'''Stewart:''' Cal! :'''Cal Richards:''' Hello. :'''Stewart:''' Hi. :'''Cal:''' Hi, Stewart. :'''Stewart:''' Good to see you. I didn't know about this. JB didn't say anything. :'''Cal:''' Hello, everyone. I just wanted it to be a surprise. :''(Cal shakes hands with Peter, Phil and Emma while he's talking to Stewart.)'' :'''Stewart:''' Yeah, why are you...why are you here? :'''Cal:''' Well, mate, I just thought I'd check in with the intellectual powerhouse of the party. That's all. That's why I'm here. :'''Stewart:''' Right. Well, if you want to step in the office, yeah, I'll dismiss the children and we can talk. :'''Cal:''' No. 'Cause I'm kidding, aren't I? No, because I've come here to tell you that you're fucking sacked. :'''Peter:''' (thrilled) Halle-bloody-lujah! :''(A look of doom comes over Stewart's face...)'' :'''Phil:''' Should I escort Stewart from the building, then, Cal? :'''Emma:''' Philip, Don't be such a fucking turncoat. :'''Cal:''' Yes, Philip, excellent idea. And while you're there, could you do me another favour, please? Could you find a hostel, go there, and take a fucking overdose of barbiturates? :''(Emma chuckles at Cal's request.)'' :'''Stewart:''' Yeah, right. Okay, well, I'm not fired. You can't fire me, Cal, so shall we just cut to the chase? Hmm? :'''Cal:''' (pretending to talk like a baby) "Aw, you can't fire me, Cal, 'cause you're..." Gotcha! I'm kidding. Of course you're not fired. Look at your face. :'''Stewart:''' (smiling, but not amused) Funny. :'''Peter:''' I'm sensing a change in management styles here from touchy-feely to smashy-testes. :'''Cal:''' No, okay, joking aside, I'm just an impartial observer. Quite partial, obviously. So, uh, take it away, [[wikipedia:Captain Mainwaring|Captain Mainwaring]]. :'''Stewart:''' ''(to the crowd)'' All right, folks, listen up. We have three key targets when we are smart-bombing our beloved PM and they are: The deficit, unemployment, lack of leadership. Get onto the J drive, you'll find key... :''(And then suddenly -- Cal EXPLODES!)'' :'''Cal:''' ''FUCK, THAT IS BRILLIANT!!'' THAT IS INSPIRED! WHAT SAUCE! GET IN! [[wikipedia:It's_the_economy,_stupid|IT'S THE ''ECONOMY'', STEWPOT]]! Fuck, what I REALLY need to do is to shoot you all in the back of the head! ''(imitating a gun)'' FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! But I can't, because it's illegal! :''(Then, Cal calms back down again.)'' :'''Cal:''' Okay, I'd like a small cappuccino, two extra shots, please. I think we've got a long night ahead of us. ''(to Stewart)'' Come on! :'''Stewart:''' ''(to Cal)'' I'm coming. ''(to Peter)'' Better the devil you know, huh? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Terri''' ''(on the phone)'': I think we're just playing it in the wrong key. It's when we go, ''(sings at a low pitch)'' 'Red and yellow and blue' – :'''Nicola:''' What's she talking about? :'''Ollie:''' Oh. She's putting on her annual production of ''[[wikipedia:Joseph_and_the_Amazing_Technicolor_Dreamcoat|Joseph]]'', in Hemel Hempstead. She doesn't license it ever because she considers ''Joseph'' to be public domain. :'''Terri:''' But I need to just pitch it a little higher. More like, ''(sings at a much higher pitch)'' 'Red and yellow and blue and green' – :'''Glenn:''' She's directing it. And starring. :'''Ollie:''' As Jacob. :'''Nicola:''' With a beard? :'''Ollie:''' Well, one assumes with a beard. Maybe she'll just let herself go for a couple of weeks, see what happens. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm Tucker and Cal Richards are giving pre-election pep talks to their respective parties)'' :'''Malcolm:''' I know what people say to you, right? They say: 'We hate you. I hate you, I hate you, I hate you.' Everybody hates you. So fucking what? Some people, they just fucking love to hate. Some people, they'd fucking walk around the fucking Garden of Eden fucking moaning about the lack of fucking mobile reception. These are the kind of fucks who watched ''Mandela'' – fucking Nelson Mandela – walk to freedom, and said 'Is ''[[wikipedia:Diagnosis:_Murder|Diagnosis: Murder]]'' not on the other side?' So we fucking forget about them. :'''Cal:''' This government has run this country into the ground. This used to be a [[wikipedia:And_did_those_feet_in_ancient_time#"Green_and_pleasant_Land"|green and pleasant land]], now it's the colour of the fucking BBC Weather map. It looks like anaemic dogshit. :'''Malcolm:''' JB, Cal Richards, and their ''hordes'' of fucking robots, they're coming over the hill, towards us! And all you have got to do is this: bend down, pick up any fucking weapon you can, and ''twat'' the fuckery out of them – :'''Cal:''' This government is maimed, but it can't be shamed. It will. Be. FUCKED! :'''Malcolm:''' Let's get out there, and let's fucking kill them, LET'S SET FIRE TO TEARS! Let's go! ''(all applaud and cheer)'' Come on! Let's go, yes! :'''Cal:''' OK, let's get going. :'''Phil''' ''(to Emma)'': What do we do? :'''Cal:''' ''(on an office phone)'' What do I call for an outside line? :'''Emma:''' That was great, wasn't it? :'''Phil:''' What do we do? :'''Cal:''' Is it 9, 'cause that's what it is everywhere else? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cal:''' ''(to an anonymous Opposition member of staff)'' Stop saying "Abingdon" to me, I want a fucking chocolate biscuit!<hr width="50%" /> :'''Peter:''' Yeah, for the first time in a decade, I can feel the old dog twitching to life. :'''Phil''' ''(Chinese accent)'': 'So sorry me! This election give me an erection.' :'''Peter:''' The old dog I was referring to was me. <hr width="50%"/> :''(All DoSAC staff are leaving because of the election)'' :'''Terri:''' See you, Nicola! ''(to herself)'' Or not.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Ollie:''' Is this good, all this panic? I haven't seen ''[[Snakes on a Plane]]'', but I imagine this is pretty much how people would react on finding their plane was brimming with snakes. :'''Nicola:''' Except Malcolm is the snakes, isn't he? I mean, this is more ''Snakes Not on a Plane''.<hr width="50%" />''(deleted scene)'' :'''Malcolm''' ''(walking into Steve's office)'': Steve! Look! I've made an unexpected comeback. Like [[wikipedia:Noel_Edmonds|Noel Edmonds]] or secondary cancer. :'''Steve Fleming:''' Don't get any ideas, Malcolm. I can cut you loose any time I like; I can toss you aside like an unwanted [[wikipedia:Panettone|panettone]], which, I warn you, is ''most'' panettones.<hr width="50%" />''(deleted scene)'' :'''Cal Richards''' ''(giving his pre-election pep talk)'': Remember, this government is like going out with Madonna: at first you think, 'Result'; now we wake up every morning to see an increasingly crazed, craggy-faced egomaniac who jumps on every fucking passing bandwagon.<hr width="50%" />''(deleted scene)'' :'''Terri''' ''(leaving an answerphone message)'': If you have any political enquiries, at any time, 24 hours a day, Oliver Reeder and Glenn Cullen will take – :'''Ollie:''' 24 hours a day? Fuck off. No, we're political advisors, we're not fucking prostitutes. :'''Terri:''' Well, you've spoilt it now. ==Series 4, Episode 1== :''(At the start of this episode, Peter Mannion is headed to the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship -- DoSAC, for short. He is talking on his cell phone to his wife. Today's their wedding anniversary.)'' :'''Peter:''' No, of course I know it's our anniversary. What do you think the card was for? ''(Peter's wife said something to him.)'' I left it on the kitchen table. :''(Peter's wife may not have seen the card.)'' :'''Peter:''' Oh, right. My bad, as they say.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Terri:''' You're a very tidy man, aren't you? :'''Phil:''' 'There's no happiness without order.' It's a Nazi quote, but nonetheless stands the test of time.<hr width="50%" /> :''(We now find out that Peter has a partner at DoSAC in the "Coalition Government.")'' :'''Peter:''' ''(still on his cell phone with his wife.)'' Well, I can't leave before my Coalition partner. Fergus, I told you. (And now, poor Peter's cranky.) Well, I say partner. He's Lewis, I'm Morse. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Peter's partner at DoSAC is Junior MP Fergus Williams. Fergus and his advisor, Adam Kenyon, are proudly getting ready to launch a policy they created, called Silicon Playgrounds.)'' :'''Adam Kenyon:''' I hate to ask, but I've got to ask. Are you ready for today, Fergus? :'''Fergus Williams:''' Yeah. Somewhat. :'''Adam:''' Silicon Playgrounds are -- is -- go. :'''Fergus:''' I just hope Mannion can keep his baccy-stained fingers out of it. :'''Adam:''' Don't worry about Mannion. He's allergic to the 21st century. :'''Fergus:''' Yeah, he didn't like the 20th much and the 19th makes him fart papyrus. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Peter:''' ''(STILL on the phone with his wife...)'' Well, we could celebrate it another time. I mean, technically, and thrillingly, it'll be our anniversary all year! ''(Suddenly, Peter sees the rest of the team coming.)'' Oh, sorry darling, I've gotta go, I think the bailiffs are coming to take away my will to live.<hr width="50%" /> :''(Peter, Fergus, Adam, Phil and Terri join Emma and Stewart in the Meeting Room to discuss Silicon Playgrounds.)'' :'''Stewart:''' Okay, folks, today's headline in Copperplate Gothic Bold, font 72, is: Emma and I broke the fast this a.m. with the PM. :'''Emma:''' And it is a massive yes. So our Silicon Playground initiative is going to be the standard bearer for the Networked Nation. It is a double, double win. :'''Stewart:''' Yes, a double win for both babies of the Coalition, yeah? :'''Emma:''' Absolutely. :'''Stewart:''' (happily) It's "win squared!" :'''Peter:''' Terrific. Right, shall we do a Mexican wave round the table? :'''Fergus:''' From my P.O.V., re all this, big hurrah. We're ready to upload, i.e. let's launch the fucker. :'''Stewart:''' Great, I'm registering your energy, Fergus, but we've decided it's going to be launched by...the Secretary of State for Social Affairs and Citizenship. :''(Fergus and Adam are understandably upset about not being able to launch their policy...but Peter is actually a little MORE upset.)'' :'''Peter:''' (moaning) ''Ohhh...All my gallstones have come at once.'' :'''Fergus:''' Are you fucking serious? :'''Adam:''' What is wrong with you people? Peter can't even right-click a fucking mouse. :'''Phil:''' Well, he can, it's track pads he has a problem with. :'''Adam:''' ''(to Stewart)'' No. No, you come in here like Dr. Robotnik and say, "Oh, I'm sorry." We put in the graft on this. You can't just take it off us. :'''Stewart:''' Oh, I think we can. You see... :'''Emma:''' We can. :'''Stewart:''' You see, Coalition's like a band, guys, yeah, and every band has a frontman. [[Florence and the Machine|He's Florence and you're – well, you're The Machine.]] :''(Then, Glenn Cullen, who's supposed to be on Fergus and Adam's team, enters the meeting room.)'' :'''Glenn:''' ''(cracking a Superman joke)'' Hey! Sorry I'm late, guys. I was just changing in a phone booth. (chuckles to himself) :'''Terri:''' Was that a joke or... :'''Glenn:''' Yeah. No, I was on the phone. ''(to Fergus)'' Hey, Fergus, you look a bit A&E. Everything all right? :'''Fergus:''' No, er, Mannion is announcing Silicon Playgrounds on Stewart's orders. :'''Stewart:''' PM's orders. :'''Glenn:''' What? Hey, hey, hey, hey, hang on a moment. This is demarcation stuff. This is Fourth Sector, right? And I am the Fourth Sector guru. Yeah, I've been on Team Fergus on this, you know, me and the Inbetweeners. :'''Adam:''' The what? The what? Sorry? :'''Emma:''' You know that's what we call you. :'''Stewart:''' That's what they call you. :'''Glenn:''' WE did all the work on this. Us, we're a team, we did it. And now you're going to say we're going to play a new game, pass the parcel, and he gets to unwrap it? (pointing at Peter) I don't think so! This is bollocks, Stewart! :'''Terri:''' Oh, come on, calm down. :'''Glenn:''' Just a second. Bollocks. :'''Terri:''' Glenn, just leave it, leave it. :''(Glenn leaves the meeting room)'' :'''Emma:''' (talking about Glenn) He's seriously going to have a heart attack, look at him. :'''Stewart:''' God, will we cope now? Can we even carry on? :''(Quiet in the room again...)'' :'''Stewart:''' Oh, it doesn't seem to have changed anything. All right, the top line, folks, is this: It's about coalition, remember, yeah? :'''Fergus:''' ''(to Stewart)'' No, this is not about coalition. This is about you nicking our ideas and doing us up the Eurotunnel. :'''Phil:''' Come on. You're basically a couple of homeless guys we've invited to Christmas dinner. Don't bitch because we don't let you carve the turkey. :'''Peter:''' Let me just say it simply for you, Stewart: I don't understand the Networked Nation and the Silicon fucking Playground "gigabits," people watching television on telephones. For what it's worth, I think Fergus should carve this particular turkey. :'''Adam:''' There you go. :'''Stewart:''' Peter, Peter. The Networked Nation is about harnessing the interconnectivity of everyone in society. It's a new way of thinking. Innovation, self-investment, revenue flux, growth, ergo a healthy network. What's so complicated about that? :'''Peter:''' ''(bluntly)'' ''ALL'' the words you just used. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stewart:''' ''(at Peter's office door)'' Ah, Peter. I'm expecting great things! :'''Peter:''' Then you're an idiot. :'''Stewart:''' Laters, legislators. ''(leaves)'' :'''Peter''' ''(looking at Fergus's policy)'': The only way this policy launch could be worse is if I understood the bloody thing. :'''Glenn''' ''(walking in with a file which he dumps on Phil)'': Right, I'm gonna put the old tea-cauldron on! Anybody fancy a brew? :''(They all ignore him. During Emma's line, he gives up and leaves.)'' :'''Emma:''' Peter, risk of sounding like your mum: time for school. You need to get to this meeting. :'''Peter:''' I hate schoolchildren, they're volatile and stupid and they haven't got the vote. Might as well be talking to fucking geese. :'''Phil:''' Well, you know the school's only 10 minutes from your house. You could pop round for a late lunch. :'''Peter:''' Not much of a celebration. "Hello, darling, make me a Cup-a-Soup." Oh, now, I need a thoughtful, very personal present for Tina. Any ideas? :'''Phil:''' Erm, what about a sexy undergarment? :'''Peter:''' (disappointed in Phil's suggestion) No. :'''Emma:''' Perfume. What perfume does she wear? :'''Peter:''' No idea. Expensive, smells a bit of lemons. :'''Terri:''' Peter, before you go, I-I do really need a comment, I'm sorry, on this Tickel protest, please. :'''Peter:''' OK: 'As we enter the third week, I find Mr. Tickle's attention-seeking tent-based twattery even more annoying than weeks one and two.' :'''Terri:''' Can't actually say that. :'''Peter:''' Really? Oh then by implication you know what you can say, so say that instead. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Terri is being called to see Fergus and Adam in Fergus's office.)'' :'''Adam:''' Just to keep you up to speed, Terri, we are going to do a companion launch for Digital Playgrounds tonight at the learning centre at 7 o'clock, all right? :'''Fergus:''' And we just need you to pop a press pack in the Coverley microwave and let us know when you've pinged. :'''Terri:''' Yes, sorry. I don't think I'll be able to get that cleared before 6:00, so that's effectively tomorrow, isn't it? :'''Adam:''' Sorry, Terri, we don't need clearance. We're not covering a Beatles track, we're the fucking Government. :'''Terri:''' Yes, I'm sorry, but I do need to get that through Number 10 before I can do anything. :'''Fergus:''' Uh, was Terri actually in the meeting earlier, Adam? :'''Adam:''' Yeah, she was, Fergus. I know she was there because I heard her humming the theme tune to ''[[wikipedia:Call the Midwife|Call the Midwife]].'' :'''Terri:''' Yes, well, Stewart was very clear about this protocol. It's about the only thing he ever has been clear about. :'''Adam:''' The policy has been agreed. This is just an additional publicity push. :'''Terri:''' Adam, I'm sorry if you think I'm being obstructive, but I cannot -- and I ''will not'' -- do ask you ask. :'''Fergus:''' Well you can't stop me, Terri! OK? I want you to know, YOU CANNOT WIN, [[wikipedia:Nurse_Ratched|NURSE RATCHED]], because this is my moment! Now, you like musicals: well this is [[wikipedia:Tonight_(1956_song)|Tonight]] from West Side Story, yeah? And I'm going to bring the bloody house down, so you can't [[wikipedia:Don't_Rain_on_My_Parade|Rain on my Parade]], [[wikipedia:Funny_Girl_(musical)|Funny Girl]]. Why don't you go and have a lie-down and a [[wikipedia:Hobnob_biscuit|Hobnob]] while we run the fucking country, all right? :'''Terri:''' (unfazed) Anything else? :'''Adam:''' No, don't think so. :''(Fergus is perplexed, Adam is stunned, and Terri gets up to leave...)'' :'''Terri:''' ''(to Fergus)'' Thank you, minister. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Peter, Phil, and Emma are in the car to the policy launch)'' :'''Fergus:''' Does he understand the policy? Forgive my concern, but it's a bit like asking if a dog can grasp the concept of Norway. :'''Terri''' ''(on the phone to Emma)'': We have a question: does he understand the – Oh, she's hung up! Ever the charmless minor royal. :'''Peter:''' And I keep a straight face, do I, when I say to a room full of frogspawn, 'Upload your future'? :'''Emma:''' You know, that sounds great! No pronunciation traps. 'Cause you know what happened to the Chancellor, don't you, at the [[wikipedia:Brit_Awards|BRITs]]? [[wikipedia:Tinie_Tempah|'Tinny' Tempah]]? :'''Phil:''' Well, it could have been worse, I heard he opened his stag do speech with 'my niggaz'. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Peter is at the school making his speech...I Call App Britain!)'' :'''Peter:''' Why is it that Silicon Valley is in America when we have so many net-savvy tech-heads here? They may have the silicon chip, but we have the silicon ''chap''. And of course, chapesses. Er, and we want ''you'' to design game apps for use in the classroom. :'''Emma:''' Sorry, sorry to interrupt: erm, it's not game apps, we're actually looking for educational apps. :'''Peter:''' Er, of course. That's why I'm here to say: I call you up. App. I, I Call App Britain. Yes. And everyone will benefit, not financially, er, not cash in hand, of course: all profits will be stored as part of a digital dividend, which – :'''Raj:''' 'Scuse me, are you saying that if I wrote an app I wouldn't get any money for it? I would be working for free? :'''Peter:''' If you don't mind we'll keep the Q&A to the end. What I wanted to emphasise – :'''Charlotte:''' Sorry, er, why can't you just answer him now? :'''Teacher:''' Charlotte. :'''Charlotte:''' Well, the other lady was allowed to interrupt. :'''Peter:''' Yes, but she's ''my'' lady. ''(everyone laughs except Emma)'' Er, what was your question again? :'''Raj:''' Why won't we profit from this? :'''Peter:''' Oh, but you would! Er, maybe I didn't explain it properly. What's your name? :'''Raj:''' Rajesh. :'''Peter:''' I'm sorry? :'''Raj:''' Rajesh, Raj. :'''Peter:''' Well, er, Rajesh Raj – ''(the students laugh)'' Oh, right. ''(chuckles)'' Well, er, what I, what I wanted to say is that, that you ''would'', er, profit, that any profits you made would be offset against [[wikipedia:Tuition_fees_in_the_United_Kingdom|tuition fees]] – :'''Charlotte:''' Sorry, we don't believe in tuition fees. :'''Peter:''' Well, erm, what's your – :'''Charlotte:''' Charlotte. :'''Peter:''' Oh, well, that's an easier one. :'''Emma''' ''(to Phil)'': Fuck me, I feel like I've just been pushed out of a plane. :'''Raj:''' I make apps. I sell them through Apple and I get paid for it. :'''Peter:''' Good for you, Ra– er, good for you, but with ''us'', you let us license it as part of the Networked Nation policy. We all put in, you see – :'''Raj:''' What do you put into the Networked Nation? :'''Peter:''' Well, er, I am – a Minister. :'''Raj:''' But what do you actually do? :'''Peter:''' I take the, the – science that, that you made earlier, and I – ''apply'' it, in – scenarios that are – cost-effective. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Peter:''' Well at least I got 'I Call App Britain' right. :'''Phil:''' Thankfully with only a modicum of the contempt you used just now. :'''Emma:''' 'Hooray, you got the title right! Let's get the driver to do some victory doughnuts.' You're gonna have to issue an apology, you know. :'''Peter:''' I'm not going back there and saying, 'Oh, that moment when I mistook an abbreviation of your name for your surname: sorry.' I'll look completely mental. :'''Phil:''' You can't apologise for a fart you did a day ago. :'''Emma:''' No, you're gonna have to apologise for the follow-up as well. 'Charlotte, that's an easier name.' :'''Peter:''' ''But it is!'' That's a fact, not a judgement!<hr width="50%" /> :''(And now, Peter finds himself being confronted by a big crowd of reporters and journalists -- outside his own home!)'' :'''Female Reporter #1:''' Minister, why are you at home in the middle of a working day? :'''Peter:''' Um, it's-it's my 30th anniversary and I popped home for lunch after the Silicon Playgrounds launch, which is literally around the corner, and I'll be staying late to make up for it. :'''Female Reporter #1:''' Are you turning schools into teenage sweatshops? :'''Peter:''' I-I'm sorry if this is proving a complex idea. Pupils will receive a digital dividend towards their higher education fees. :'''Female Reporter #2:''' The dividend is optional, though, you can get cash instead? :'''Peter:''' No, you can't, I'm sorry... :'''Female Reporter #2:''' You can according to your Junior Minister. :'''Peter:''' I see. :'''Male Reporter:''' Minister, do you think you came across this morning as a "fibre-optic Fagan?" :'''Peter:''' That's a ridiculous phrase. :'''Male Reporter:''' Well, that, again, is a quote from your Junior Minister. :''(Peter's socially embarrassing predicament continues...)'' :'''Female Reporter #1:''' Minister, is, um, that a bottle of champagne? :'''Male Reporter:''' Drinking on the job, minister? :'''Peter:''' It's a half bottle. Um, as I said, it is my anniversary and I have just recycled it. Er, thank you. Bye. :''(Peter gets into his car.)'' :'''Peter:''' ''(to his driver)'' Run those fuckers over. Fifty quid for every one you maim. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Peter''' ''(shouting at Fergus on his return to DoSAC)'': Thanks a fucking bunch, mate! I couldn't have looked more of a twat, unless I'd announced it dressed as a mermaid with scallops on my tits! :'''Fergus:''' Look, I'm angry, too, Peter. I spent a lot of time on that policy that you just raped in a ditch. :'''Peter:''' Well, it was your stupid idea in the first place. :'''Fergus:''' What are your ideas, Peter? Come on, we'd all love to hear them! A public information film on the best wine to have with fish? A butler on every street corner? :'''Peter:''' This is a long game, Fergus. And I've been around a lot longer than you, Fergus, and I'll still be here when they rip your name off your door and turn your office back into something useful, like a spare toilet! :''(Stewart, from out of nowhere, enters the fight.)'' :'''Stewart:''' BOTH OF YOU DESIST! You have caused me to raise my voice and I do not like it. I reserve this level of anger for when I'm flying Ryanair. Peter's Palace! NOW! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stewart:''' ''(to Peter)'' Drinking champagne in the middle of the day during a recession. Who do you think you are, [[wikipedia:Sean_Combs|P. Diddy]]? :'''Peter:''' It was a half-bottle, on my thirtieth anniversary, ''and'' I was recycling it; at least give me credit for that! :'''Stewart:''' Oh right, no, sorry Peter, yeah, I take it all back. About as strong a defence as 'the fertiliser in my homemade bomb was organic.' What have you got planned for this evening, dancing girls on a yacht? :'''Peter:''' Garage, car, hosepipe. :'''Stewart:''' Oh, good, the anniversary present your wife's been dreaming of. ''(to Fergus)'' And Fergus, what about you? :'''Fergus:''' Well, I'm launching Silicon Playgrounds, properly this time, tonight at a learning centre. :'''Stewart:''' Yeah, something you didn't clear through me. According to Terri Coverley, you announced this before Peter took his daily "gaffe dump." What was the word I used this morning? :'''Peter:''' Oh, you used a lot of words this morning, it was like a fucking [[Will Self]] lecture. :'''Stewart:''' What was the word I used? :'''Fergus:''' Coalition? :'''Stewart:''' BOOM! So you ''will'' go to the learning centre where you will re-explain Silicon Playgrounds ''with Peter'', who will make an abject grovelling apology for being both a digi-tard and an elderly racist! :'''Fergus:''' So first you take the policy away from me for Peter to screw up, then you take ''salvaging'' the policy away from me for Peter to screw up! Good, yeah, that's just great! :'''Peter:''' I'm bored of this! I'm going for a Twix! ''(leaves)'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Peter''' ''(storming out of his office)'': She's NOT on the FUCKING ''LIST!'' ''(enters Fergus's office)'' Will you please tell me why Terri Coverley is not on this list? :'''Fergus:''' Sorry Peter, she's too expensive to get rid of. :'''Peter:''' Oh Christ, Fergus, we both know she's a fart in a frock and I want her wafted out of here. :'''Fergus''' ''(smiling)'': My hands are tied. :'''Peter:''' Fuck you! You're not getting in MY car tonight! ''(leaves)'' :'''Glenn:''' What a very principled stand you're taking. :'''Fergus:''' Yep, but did you see how stressed Mannion was there? Soon he'll be so weak and disorientated he'll stagger off in the night like a tramp who's stood up too quickly. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Peter''' ''(on the phone with his wife)'': No, I don't think today is our entire marriage in a nutshell. Well, we had champagne, and your sister wasn't there.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Phil''' ''(to Adam)'': You're getting a coffwee: coffee with wee in it. <hr width="50%"/> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Peter''' ''(on the phone to his wife)'': Champagne looks bad, PR-wise. I might as well be seen urinating through the letterbox of a closed-down library.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Terri:''' Right, I'd better get on. Sometimes I think I never stop working. :'''Phil:''' You leave at 5:40! :'''Terri:''' One last thing. :'''Phil:''' Yes, [[Columbo]]? :'''Terri:''' The staff cuts. What do you know? :'''Phil:''' Ah, I see, that's what this whole chat's been about, has it, mental pickpocketing? :'''Terri:''' You see, you don't need to tell me: I'll just list off a few names. You do that girly flicky thing with your hair, OK? :'''Phil:''' Bye, Terri. :'''Terri:''' Was that it, was that code? Am I going? :'''Phil:''' No, I'm telling you to fuck off.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Raj:''' What do you actually do? :''(quiet laughter from the students)'' :'''Peter:''' I am the, er, Secretary of State for Social Affairs a-and Citizenship. :'''Phil:''' It's a bit like being the Lord Commander of the [[wikipedia:List_of_A_Song_of_Ice_and_Fire_characters#Night's_Watch_and_wildlings|Night's Watch]]? Er, you watch Game of Thrones, yeah? :'''Raj:''' This is bullshit! :''(the students laugh)'' :'''Teacher:''' Hey, quiet now – quiet! Raj, that language is unacceptable, OK? :'''Peter:''' I'll say, you – you wouldn't use that kind of language in front of your extended family. :'''Students''' ''(shocked)'': Oh! :'''Emma:''' Oh my good God, I cannot believe childbirth is more painful than this.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Adam:''' We have to distance ourself from this ''now''. :'''Fergus:''' Right, OK, I'll call Terri and get her up to speed. :'''Adam:''' Terri is never up to speed. She's stuck in neutral in a fucking rainy car park listening to [[wikipedia:Ken_Bruce|Ken Bruce]]. :'''Glenn''' ''(on his phone)'': Who told you I was the guru? Terri Coverley, right, thank you. Well, I am the guru of the policy, but I'm not the guru of the colossal gang of [[wikipedia:Henry_(vacuum)|Henrys]] who tried to explain it just now.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Peter''' ''(to Raj)'': Yes, well, for you, App-ortunity Knocks. :'''Fergus''' ''(to Raj, quietly)'': It's [[wikipedia:Opportunity_Knocks_(UK_TV_series)|a show]], it's like [[wikipedia:Britain's_Got_Talent|Britain's Got Talent]], from his era. ==Series 4, Episode 2== :'''Ollie:''' Right, sorry to interrupt you at this very sad time, but we do have [[wikipedia:Prime_Minister's_Questions|Prime Minister's Questions]] in ''one hour''. :'''Nicola:''' No it's fine, I've got the lead question, I've got the follow-up sarcastic question and I've got the withering put-down, so I'm prepped, I'm fucking prepped. :'''Ollie:''' Yep. You'll walk rings round him.<hr width="50%" />'''Ben:''' The Leader of the Opposition is in that room, Malcolm, practising ''walking''. I mean, baby horses can walk from the womb, she's one-nil down to a pony. :'''Malcolm:''' A pony isn't a baby horse, it's a foal, a fucking foal is a baby horse. :'''Ben:''' Right, our guest tonight on 'I Don't Give a Fuck about Baby Horses' is me. But we need to do something about Nicola, Malcolm, I mean, you know about her plan – I mean, Nicola with a plan, that's like a toddler with a harpoon, there's a toddler wandering around in that office with a harpoon. :'''Malcolm:''' Yes, well, don't you worry about Nicola's plan. I'll deal with that, Sweaty Betty – Listen, when you wake up in the morning you've got a routine, haven't you? :'''Ben:''' Big shit, granola, check the email, shower and a shave, [[wikipedia:Nespresso|Nespresso]], sometimes a second shit. :'''Malcolm:''' Exactly. You have a plan: that's good. Nicola has a plan: that's not good. But I have a plan: that's fucking great.<hr width="50%" />'''Malcolm''' ''(seeing Nicola bend down in front of the photocopier)'': Oh, that's very moving: '[[wikipedia:Ode_of_Remembrance|They shall not grow old]], who photocopy their arses at the Christmas do'.<hr width="50%" /> :''(Nicola and her advisers, Ollie Reeder & Helen Hatley, are brainstorming ideas for a buzzword for do-gooder members of the public.)'' :'''Ollie:''' They're commuters, they are the street-pounders, street – walkers, um – :'''Nicola:''' You can't call them streetwalkers. :'''Ollie:''' They're the people who deal with the little stuff, erm – [[wikipedia:The_Wombles|Wombles]], Honest Wombles, Everyday Wombles? :'''Malcolm:''' Sorry, I've just got to take a call. :'''Nicola:''' Erm, straights. :'''Ollie:''' No! :'''Nicola:''' No. No, of course, sorry. :'''Helen Hatley:''' Commuting champions. :'''Nicola:''' Interrai– human [[wikipedia:Interrail|interrailers]] – :'''Ollie:''' Human interrailers? That's interrailers. Er, everyday superstars, all British supremes – :'''Malcolm:''' That sounds like a racist tribute band. :'''Nicola:''' Ordinary people, with something special about them, with a special power. :'''Ollie:''' Please don't say special. Don't say special. :'''Nicola:''' No but – you know, but like sup– people as superheroes. :'''Ollie:''' Ironpeople, Spiderpeople. Wolfpeople. :'''Nicola:''' They're just regular citizens, but they have this – that one special quality that makes them like Batman, or Batpeople. Erm, ''Quiet'' Batpeople. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(glaring)'' Quiet Batpeople? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' She's going to have to fall on her sword, which means that we are gonna have to stick one in the ground, trip her up onto it and get somebody to jump up and down on her back for ten minutes. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' Reshuffle: don’t send Ben to the back-benches, he’ll just wank and eat Pringles, leather seats are an invitation to men like him. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nicola:''' Before we finish, I just want to throw one more pebble into the thought pool. :'''Ben:''' Ploop. :'''Nicola:''' Sorry Ben, I missed that? :'''Ben:''' Just I'm sorry, I just, I said 'ploop', it's just the noise of a pebble.<hr width="50%" /> :''(A photographer has managed to take a picture of Helen's 'Quiet Batpeople' notes)'' :'''Nicola:''' "Quiet Batpeople" on every fucking paper! :'''Malcolm:''' Right, this is a wake-up call. And by the way, Helen, the next time you want to make Nicola look like a clown with her fucking hair on fire in a Zumba class, why don't you just take your notes down to [[wikipedia:Snappy_Snaps|Snappy Snaps]] and get them blown up to gigantic charity cheque size, so the partially sighted can be in on the fucking gag? :'''Helen:''' I didn't know they'd be able to see it! :'''Malcolm:''' So we have to seize the agenda. We have to deflect attention away from all this. It's now time to embrace our friend Mr. Tickle. :'''Nicola:''' I can't even say his name without smiling. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, well, ''he's'' not smiling, is he? He's living in a tent, 'cause his key-worker housing's been sold off. :'''Malcolm:''' Yes, and he's a 24-carat fucking nutcase. Which means that Peter Mannion has been picking on a man with a history of depression. That's a way right into the Principality of Pricks right there. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' It's time for you to step up, Ollie. What's that film that you love? :'''Ollie:''' What film? :'''Malcolm:''' The one about the fucking hairdresser, the [[wikipedia:Luke_Skywalker|space hairdresser]] and the [[wikipedia:Han_Solo|cowboy]]. The guy, he's got a [[wikipedia:C-3PO|tin foil pal]] and a [[wikipedia:R2-D2|pedal bin]]. [[wikipedia:Darth_Vader|His father]]'s a robot and he's fucking fucked [[wikipedia:Princess_Leia|his sister]]. Lego! They're all made of fucking Lego. :'''Ollie:''' Star Wars? :'''Malcolm:''' That's the one, right. It's like that, okay? Where you fucking kill all the bad guys, and you'll be able to blow up the big – :'''Ollie:''' Death Star. :'''Malcolm:''' The Death Star thing. Then you can go and live happily ever after on the planet of the teddy bears. :'''Ollie:''' They're Ewoks, they're Ewoks. It's a fantastic analogy, well done. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ben:''' Malcolm, could I have a couple of words please? :'''Malcolm:''' Political lightweight? Making up the numbers? Sorry that's four isn't it? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dan:''' So, your loyalty to Nicola is – :'''Malcolm:''' Unwavering. Right up to the point that – :'''Dan:''' Someone challenges her? :'''Malcolm:''' Not necessary: she's going to kick her own head in, which will be easy for her because she does yoga. No, we just need somebody to hold her jacket while she commits political hara-kiri, and sweep in unopposed, being careful not to tread in the mess. :'''Dan:''' So you think – I should challenge her? :'''Malcolm:''' What the fuck is this, Tinker Tailor Soldier Cunt? Do you, or do you not, want to be the next leader of this party? :'''Dan:''' Yes. :'''Malcolm:''' Right, well, she needs to fuck off in eight months, so it looks like we're giving her a chance. I will teach you the way of tears and love, my friend; now, let's get out of this fucking cupboard before Ben Swain comes in for his lunchtime wank. <hr width="50%" /> :'''Malcolm''' ''(putting his glasses on to read Ollie's phone)'': What is this tiny font? Is it to match your subatomic thoughts? <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm and Ben, and separately Ollie and Helen, are watching Nicola at the [[wikipedia:Remembrance_Sunday#National_ceremony_in_the_United_Kingdom|Remembrance Sunday ceremony]] on TV)'' :'''Malcolm:''' You're right, she can't fucking walk. :'''Ben:''' I mean, should we get a pony to challenge her? :'''Malcolm:''' It's not a fucking pony, it's a fucking foal. :'''Ben:''' Sorry. :'''Helen:''' I don't understand how you can get that wrong. :'''Ollie:''' It's this: ''(demonstrates)'' de-de-clunk! :'''Helen:''' She is officially a [[wikipedia:The_Cenotaph,_Whitehall|Ceno]]-twat. :'''Ollie:''' Fabulous work, sister. Bury her in a grave. [[wikipedia:The_Unknown_Warrior|The Unknown Leader]]. :'''Helen:''' I can't watch: I feel a bit sick. :'''Ollie:''' I just hope there is no afterlife, because if people fought and died for this, it is going to seem even more ridiculously futile. :'''Ben''' ''(to Malcolm)'': Why d'you know so much about horses, anyway? I thought you were raised by wolves.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :''(during the Quiet Batpeople brainstorming)'' :'''Ollie:''' Wombles, Honest Wombles, Everyday Wombles? :'''Helen:''' Right, OK, obviously, you know, we're not gonna block anything 'cause this is a think-thoughting session, erm – :'''Malcolm:''' Sorry, I've just got to take a call. :'''Ollie:''' Think-thoughting, Helen, is what we call, in the real world, thinking. It's the same. Am I say-speaking out of turn? Have I not understood-comprehended you? :'''Helen:''' I don't know, I tuned you out a bit.<hr width="50%" />''(deleted scene)'' :'''Ollie:''' Hiya, I thought you were bollocking Dan Miller. :'''Malcolm:''' Oh, I am. ''(to the empty chair next to him)'' Look at you! You bourgeois, fucking side-parted twat, you flap that bammed-up nutcrease of yours again, and I will fuck you so deep, that if you're not drowned in the blizzard of jizz, your rectum will become the biggest fucking indoor venue in fucking Europe. :'''Ollie:''' Are you OK? :'''Malcolm:''' Sit down.<hr width="50%" />''(deleted scene)'' :'''Malcolm''' ''(to Ollie)'': This is [[wikipedia:Infinite_monkey_theorem|monkey typewriter]] stuff. There's not even a fucking infinite amount of monkeys with an infinite amount of time with an infinite amount of typewriters that'll produce the words, 'Nicola Murray, PM'.<hr width="50%" />''(deleted scene)'' :'''Ben:''' How do you know so much about horses, anyway? I thought you were raised by wolves. :'''Malcolm:''' I don't know anything about horses, apart from that a grown-up one's a fucking horse and a baby one's a foal. And why are you eating my biscuits? :'''Ben:''' I don't know, I found them on here. There's one left. :'''Malcolm:''' They are big wreaths. :'''Ben:''' It's like a toilet seat, isn't it? I mean, it's not, it's lovely. :'''Malcolm:''' What size of a wreath would you need for a nuclear war? :'''Ben:''' There wouldn't be anyone left to put it on the Cenotaph, would there? It'd be carried along by cockroaches or whatever it is they say'll survive. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. ==Series 4, Episode 3== :''(Peter, Emma and Stewart are in the car, on the way to Thought Camp...and ALL 3 of them are on their cell phones. Stewart is talking to a Minister, Emma is talking to Phil, and Peter is talking to his wife. )'' :'''Peter:''' I was picked up at seven, of course I haven't walked the dog. I barely had time to take myself for a shit. :'''Emma:''' Phil, I'm sure you're suffering from "Peter Withdrawal" symptoms, but I really, really need you to keep an eye of the Ticket issue. :'''Stewart:''' Thought Camp ETA 13 minutes, okay? You're taking the bridge, Kieran. :'''Emma:''' Okay, well, you can start by not referring to him as Gyppo. ''Or'' Gypsy, Phil. It's not, it's not the abbreviation that's the problem. :'''Peter:''' If he has a thorn in his paw, it must be from when you took him for a walk yesterday. :'''Emma:''' What do you mean, "You're in charge?" You are not in fucking charge, you doughnut! :'''Stewart:''' Of course you're gonna keep me informed, I want the full crunch on all the feeds, as usual. Everything below the equator. :'''Peter:''' Take him to the dog hospital. (Peter's wife thinks he's being sarcastic.) No, I'm not being sarcastic! There is one! :'''Emma:''' Try and keep an eye on things, all right? :'''Peter:''' The number will be in the folder. The folder. What? (Peter sighs as he realizes he has lost the connection.) :''(Now, all 3 members of Team Mannion are off their cell phones.)'' :'''Peter:''' Where are you taking us, Stewart? This Mind Kampf is in the middle of nowhere. :'''Stewart:''' Thought Camp, Peter, and isolation is the mother of renewal. We shall retreat to go forwards. :'''Emma:''' Terrible signal! Phil sounded like he was phoning in a report on an African coup. :'''Stewart:''' Why's he even gone in today? :'''Peter:''' I put him on Tickel oversight. :'''Stewart:''' Oh, the eviction. :'''Peter:''' Well, cutting the guy ropes on his tent is hardly the Siege of Troy. :'''Emma:''' Bailiffs thought it would be easier today, quicker or quieter. :'''Stewart:''' Yeah, but I want Phil sealed off, right? He makes no statement today, not even off the record. :'''Peter:''' He wanted to feel useful. :'''Stewart:''' Then he should sell his organs. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Glenn and Phil are alone in the DoSAC building.)'' :'''Glenn:''' Yeah, well, we've got the whole palace to ourselves, eh? [[wikipedia:Rosencrantz_and_Guildenstern|Rosencrantz and Guildenstern]]! :'''Phil:''' Yeah, but [[wikipedia:Rosencrantz_and_Guildenstern_Are_Dead|very much alive]]. Well, one of us.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Stewart''' ''(to party staff arriving at Thought Camp)'': OK people, abandon phones, all ye who enter here. And watches too: time is a leash on the dog of ideas.<hr width="50%" />'''Stewart:''' OK lovely people, let's go truffling in the forest of knowledge. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stewart:''' OK people, I'd like to start this session with a question: when is a party not a party? :'''Peter:''' When it's at your house? :''(quiet laughter)'' :'''Emma''' ''(quietly, annoyed)'': Peter! :'''Stewart:''' A party is not a party when it is plural. ''(brings up a slide of a woman on her phone in a crowd)'' There she is, the party, singular: she thinks like you, she votes like you, she is ''not'' you, and yet of course, she ''is'' you. :'''Peter''' ''(to himself, sighing)'': I feel like I've joined the Scientologists. :'''Stewart:''' Some of these people want a federal Britain, others don't. And as long as we continue to do nothing, we can call that "consensus." :'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' Why am I the only senior minister here? Is JB punishing me? :'''Emma:''' Look, Mary Drake's here, Home Office. :''(Peter and Emma nod hello to Mary.)'' :'''Emma:''' ''(to Peter)'' And yes, JB is punishing you. :'''Stewart:''' OK, let's [[wikipedia:Michael_McIntyre|McIntyre]] this: stand up. Let's find out, in fact, chairs to the side, please. :'''Peter:''' Great, vague prancing about. :'''Mary Drake:''' Isn't that one of the fundamental principles of democracy? :'''Stewart:''' ''(to Peter)'' Oh, I'm sorry, Peter, you want to share your thoughts? :'''Peter:''' Hmm? No, we just hoped we were going to do some dancing, er, Stewart. What, Merce Cunningham, something like that? :'''Stewart:''' Okay, maybe later you can share it with us. But first of all, let me share something with you. How about this, Silicon Playgrounds, yeah? What caused this slow-motion pile up? Shall we sit down and chew over "hash-tag epic fail?" Or shall we try and get some solutions on their feet? That's it, just put it at the side, Peter. <hr width="50%" /> :''(Glenn is bringing a tray of coffee and biscuits into Fergus's office.)'' :'''Adam:''' Glenn, you're a marvel, you know, you're like a modern-day [[wikipedia:Jeeves|Jeeves]]. Only not modern. Day. You're like Jeeves, but only not as good. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Fergus is bringing Tara Strachan, a strikingly beautiful economist, to DoSAC HQ.)'' :'''Fergus:''' ''(to Tara)'' Here we are, at the Coalface. ''(to Adam)'' Ah. Adam, this is Tara Strachan. :'''Adam:''' ''(to Tara)'' Hello, lovely to meet you. :'''Tara Strachan:''' Hi there. :'''Adam:''' Really lovely, lovely. :'''Fergus:''' Shall we, er...She's an economist... :'''Adam:''' Real pleasure, actually. :'''Fergus:''' ...and a lady. :'''Adam:''' Yes, obviously. Lovely. :''(Fergus and Adam are quite happy to see Tara. Phil, on the other hand, is a little confused.)'' :'''Phil:''' What's going on? Who's the skirt? :'''Adam:''' Oh, I'd love to bring you up to speed, Phil. I really would, but I'm not gonna live long enough. So tell you what, why don't you go and help Glenn watch his telly? I think the dancing's on in a minute. :'''Fergus:''' ''(to Tara)'' I really like your coat, by the way. :'''Tara:''' (quite flattered) Thank you. Thank you. :'''Fergus:''' It's like a leopard. :'''Tara:''' It is a little bit. :'''Fergus:''' Or a cheetah. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Tara is sharing her idea for micro banking with Fergus and Adam.)'' :'''Tara:''' The beauty of this model... :'''Fergus:''' Yeah. :'''Tara:''' ...um, is that micro banking can happen anywhere, okay? :'''Fergus:''' Great. :'''Tara:''' Small, low-interest loans, that's the way forward. :'''Adam:''' This is terrific. I mean, it's so fucking us, it's brilliant. :'''Fergus:''' (trying to calm Adam down) Adam, Adam. :'''Adam:''' Ah. :'''Tara:''' Oh, don't worry, I don't mind swearing. Shows passion. I've done some community enterprise case studies. Sisters who want to set up a pop-up baker's in a disused travel agents, the boiler guy who wants to take on an apprentice. :'''Adam:''' Yeah. :'''Fergus:''' The helping hand for hands-on people. :'''Tara:''' Yeah. :'''Adam:''' I like that, that's great. That's really good. :'''Fergus:''' Making sure the can-doers don't get canned. :'''Adam:''' Terrific. Yeah, really good. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Meanwhile, at Thought Camp, Peter is playing a "mind game." He has a Post-It note stuck to his head with a political issue written on it, and he has to guess what it is. He needs Mary Drake's help.)'' :'''Peter:''' Would I be comfortable or uncomfortable... :'''Stewart:''' Yes or no questions only, please, Peter. :'''Peter:''' Would I be uncomfortable talking to Andrew Marr about this concept on the television? :'''Mary:''' Yes. :'''Peter:''' Am I Diversity? :'''Mary:''' No. :'''Stewart:''' You're out of questions, Peter. :''(Peter finally takes the Post-It note off his head -- and then gets REALLY upset.)'' :'''Peter:''' Oh, for fuck's sake! Inclusivity's practically the same as Diversity! :'''Mary:''' ''(chuckles)'' No it's not. :'''Stewart:''' No it isn't, Peter. :'''Peter:''' I could be at home watching the snooker with a bottle of unpronounceable scotch. Can I sit down now? ''(Peter sits down)'' I'm sitting down, I don't care. :'''Stewart:''' Actually, we can all sit down now. Thanks, Peter. Um, so take a chair 'cause Emma's going to co-steer module four with me. We're gonna do a kind of Top Trumps stats check on the PM's future enemies, yeah? Strengths, weaknesses, blocking moves and take-downs. Em. :'''Emma:''' Great. Thank you, Stewart. :'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' You've turned into the wrong Mitford sister. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Meanwhile, back at DoSAC HQ, the Banking Brainstorm continues...)'' :'''Tara:''' Basically, we'd set up a network of microcredit lenders at neighborhood level. :'''Adam:''' This is great. So what would it be called? Like the Citizen's Bank, or... :'''Fergus:''' The People's Bank? :'''Tara:''' Um, Community... :'''Fergus:''' The Credit Fund? ''(correcting himself)'' No, no, credit's a bad word. :'''Adam:''' Negative. Something, something with "Advance..." :'''Fergus:''' The We Bank? :'''Tara:''' The We Bank. :'''Adam:''' I like that. :'''Fergus:''' Although it does sound a bit like a...sperm bank. But for wee. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Glenn is reporting the latest Tickel Watch news to Phil.)'' :'''Glenn:''' There's a bit of a farce going on here with your Mr. Tickle. They've turned up to evict him and he's not there. :'''Phil:''' Good. Self-evicted. Gone. Problem solved. Anyway, what's going on with Fergus and Adam and the "Sexy Stranger?" She's some kind of economist, apparently. :'''Glenn:''' Oh, don't be ridiculous, she's far too attractive. :'''Phil:''' You can get sexy economists. What about Stephanie Flanders on ''Newsnight?'' :'''Glenn:''' Yeah, that's true. I quite like Emily Maitlis. :'''Phil:''' Really? Well, I'm sure she'd love a grey pounding. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tara:''' Do you want to have an "ideagasm?" :'''Adam:''' ''(very much turned on)'' Yes, please. :'''Tara:''' Ask me how we'd initially fund this. :'''Fergus & Adam:''' How would we initially fund this? :'''Tara:''' A one-off Robin Hood tax. Steal from the fat cats, raise enough seed capital for hundreds of start-up funds for fledgling businesses. :'''Adam:''' You know what? This could work really well for us. This, this is, yeah. :'''Tara:''' Yeah? :'''Adam:''' I mean, let's just talk, uh, figures. What sort of start-up capital are we talking here? :'''Tara:''' Not very much. I think we're looking at about £2 billion. :'''Fergus:''' £2 billion? :'''Tara:''' £2 billion. :'''Fergus:''' Good. Well, um...I mean, obviously, I'd have to ring the Treasury. :'''Tara:''' Sure. :'''Fergus:''' And twist a few arms. You know, it'll take a couple of weeks to work up, but we are extremely keen to set that process in motion. :''(Stewart and his team are discussing potential new Leaders of the Opposition at Thought Camp.)'' :'''Stewart:''' OK, let's architecturalise this, yeah? :'''Peter:''' Oh, don't bother. If it's Ben Swain, we all shout ''Sweaty Swain'' as he dehydrates himself through PMQs. Holhurst looks like a shepherd dressed up to meet the Queen, and if it's Dan Miller we're fucked.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Tara:''' I should tell you I do also have a meeting with Dan Miller booked in. :'''Adam:''' ''(suddenly concerned)'' What? I would just knock that right on the head. Don't -- don't do it. :'''Fergus:''' Well... ''(awkward laughter from all 3 people)'' He's in opposition. We rule. :'''Adam:''' We're the rulers, we're the governors. :'''Fergus:''' And, you know, in the end...this is so fucking us. :'''Adam:''' Fuck yeah! :'''Fergus:''' Yeah. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Phil's looking up Tara Strachan's bio on his cell phone.)'' :'''Phil:''' Here, uh, "Tara Strachan, LSE, Harvard, author of ''Strapped: Why We're in Debt to Each Other,'' ''Small is Bountiful,'' Expert in micro-financing and community credit guilds." God, that sounds dreary. :'''Glenn:''' Bloody hell, that's all Fourth Sector stuff! I mean, why have they kept me out here like a stray dog? :'''Phil:''' And why are they keeping Mannion out of it? This is-this is government business! :''(Phil suddenly realizes that Adam and Fergus are working on a policy behind Peter's back. Phil runs to Fergus's office.)'' :'''Phil:''' Right, that's enough. Stop, stop, stop! I demand an explanation. :'''Adam:''' Sorry, Phil, we're busy. Maybe come back in, I don't know, 2017? :'''Phil:''' As Peter's representative, it's as though you lied to him. That's not good, probably illegal. :'''Adam:''' If you want to see something probably illegal, pass me that fucking stapler over there! :'''Tara:''' Er, listen, is there a problem with me being here? :'''Fergus:''' Not at all. :'''Phil:''' Yes, you're not supposed to be here, the minister is unaware that you're here, so I'm gonna have to ask you to leave. :'''Adam:''' Oh right, so she's a security risk? Oh no no no! I'd forgotten: you're not allowed within 50 feet of most women. :'''Phil:''' How do you explain this, then? ''(waves his arm in and out of Adam's personal space)'' I'm within 50 feet of you. Hahaha. ''You're'' a woman. :'''Adam:''' Oh, brilliant. That is really good. :''(They stop bickering when they hear Glenn)'' :'''Glenn''': ''(offscreen)'' FUCK! TICKLE'S DEAD! :'''Phil:''' Oh shit...! :'''Adam:''' Jesus...! :''(Phil, Fergus and Adam run to the TV, where Glenn is watching [[wikipedia:BBC_News_(TV_channel)|BBC News]])'' :'''Glenn:''' Oh God, he's killed himself, suicide. He used a car exhaust. :'''Phil:''' Hey, classic: the Bohemian Rhapsody of suicide. :'''Glenn:''' Oh, Phil, for fuck's sake! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Adam doesn't like the way that Phil is handling the latest DoSAC crisis -- to say the least.)'' :'''Adam:''' It's like there's a little twelve-year-old boy, in a suit, with a fucking light saber in his desk - don't think I don't know it's there - running this department when Mannion's away... :'''Phil:''' Yeah, so what? :'''Adam:''' It's a fucking joke! :'''Phil:''' No it's not! No it's not! Have you ever seen ''Game of Thrones'' Season 2? :'''Adam:''' No! :'''Phil:''' Or Anakin Skywalker, he was young. Frodo, in his thirties, still young for a hobbit. You know, I'm in charge, because I'm a Jedi and you're a fucking Ewok! :'''Glenn:''' Right. What is the Ewok position on this, then? <hr width="50%"/> :''(Fergus, Adam, Glenn and Phil are trying to get a handle on the news of Mr. Tickel's suicide.)'' :'''Phil:''' The line from Stewart via Emma was that I do nothing. That was the one clear instruction they gave me, okay? We ignore him and he goes away. :'''Fergus:''' He is dead. :'''Phil:''' Which makes him easier to ignore. :'''Fergus:''' As a minister, I should at least express condolences. :'''Phil:''' ''(stammering)'' That-that-that should come from Peter. :'''Fergus:''' But he's not here. I am. :''(Terri enters the room.)'' :'''Terri:''' Has anyone seen my Bluetooth headset? :'''Phil:''' Look, I speak for Peter and I say that we look guilty if we say we're sorry he died. :'''Terri:''' I'll take that as a no. :'''Adam:''' Listen, Phil. I was a journalist, okay? Now if you don't respond, you create a vacuum that sucks in speculation, and then you can't respond. You get sucked fucking inside-out! :'''Phil:''' Look, Tickle wasn't the Queen of People's Hearts, he was a twat in a tent. :'''Glenn:''' TICK-EL! HE WAS CALLED TICK-EL! WE DROVE A MAN TO HIS DEATH! WE ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Fergus and Adam FINALLY come back to see Tara to tell her the good news about launching the bank.)'' :'''Fergus:''' Great stuff, Tara. We're gonna go ahead with the bank. :'''Adam:''' Yeah, meeting's over. :'''Tara:''' ''(surprised)'' Don't you need to talk to the Treasury? :'''Fergus:''' We've done that. :'''Tara:''' Okay, Well, um, let's talk details. When it comes to interest rates, obviously you've got... :'''Adam:''' ''(jokingly)'' Well, hey, you know, don't talk us out of it. You don't wanna do that. :'''Tara:''' ''(smiling)'' So, is-is this the green light? :'''Fergus:''' Uh-huh! Yep! £2 billion! :'''Tara:''' Oh my God! :''(An overjoyed Tara gives both Fergus and Adam a hug, much to their surprise!)'' :'''Tara:''' We'll be in touch! :'''Fergus & Adam:''' Thank you. :'''Tara:''' Thank you. :'''Fergus:''' ''(to Tara, walking her to the elevator)'' Lovely to meet you, great. :''(Phil is wondering what policy Fergus, Adam, and Tara have just launched...)'' :'''Phil:''' What have we just green-lit? :'''Adam:''' Well, we are starting a community bank with £2 billion. :'''Phil:''' Right, is that the £2 billion we keep in the biscuit tin? :'''Glenn:''' This is just great. This is just fucking great. I hang around this moral abattoir to do something exactly like this and you shut me out? :'''Terri:''' So, I'm spending my bank holiday founding a bank? I thought the point about bank holidays is that they're supposed to be shut. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Fergus is still talking to Tara while walking her to the elevator. They're still excited about the bank.)'' :'''Fergus:''' You know, when we see something we like, we just buy it. :'''Tara:''' Oh, wow. :'''Fergus:''' That's the way we work round here. :'''Tara:''' I hope the Tickel, um...situation is all okay. :'''Fergus:''' Uh, well, it'll be fine. :'''Tara:''' Thank you. :'''Fergus:''' Great. Lovely to meet you. :'''Tara:''' See you soon. :''(As soon as the elevator Tara's traveling in closes, Fergus runs back to the offices and takes charge of the situation.)'' :'''Fergus:''' Right! I'm in fucking charge! And I'm going Nordic drama! ''(to Adam)'' Adam, secure the economist. ''(to Phil)'' You, get Stewart and Mannion back here STAT! :'''Adam:''' Brilliant. Got that, guys? Yeah? Okay? :'''Phil:''' ''(calling out to Fergus)'' Sure. I'll-I'll do it your way for now, Fergus, but, uh, they left me in charge for a reason. :'''Adam:''' I bet you line up all your action figures on the edge of your bath, don't you? :'''Phil:''' 1: I've got a shower. And 2: They're still in the boxes. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Phil, sitting in Peter's office chair, has just left a voicemail for Emma.)'' :'''Glenn:''' ''(entering)'': Have you got any of them yet? :'''Phil:''' No, everyone's ignoring me. It's like the first year of university all over again. Fuck it, the whole of university! ''(Peter's office phone rings.)'' Jesus. ''(answers)'' Hello? No, I can categorically say that Peter Mannion will not be resigning over this. Thank you. ''(hangs up)'' :'''Terri:''' ''(entering)'' Who was that? :'''Phil:''' ''[[wikipedia:The_World_at_One|World At One]]''. I handled it. :'''Terri:''' You don't handle ''The World At One'', Phil, they're not stolen goods. Now listen, if you want to go and play phones, you can go down to the crèche where there's a big phone with big boggly eyes that go round and round when you wheel it about. Now piddle off! :''(Phil leaves. Terri sits down in Peter's chair.)'' :'''Glenn:''' We've got to put something out there, Terri. :'''Terri''': That boy is a simpleton. Two hundred years ago, they wouldn't have let him milk a cow. ''(phones a journalist)'' Jonty! Terri here over at Hectic House. ''(laughing)'' No! No, Peter's not resigning! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Female party worker:''' Free apples! ''[throws ball]'' :'''Everyone:''' Yes and ho! :'''Male party worker:''' Uh, free coffins. ''[throws ball]'' :'''Everyone:''' Yes and ho! :'''Peter:''' Reduce the deficit with spending cuts. :'''Everyone except Stewart:''' Yes and ho! :'''Stewart:''' Peter, Peter, I want to hear new ideas ricocheting off your synapses like a pinball, not just a two year old slogan. :'''Peter:''' Okay, Doctor Jazz, let's hear it. ''[throws ball]'' :'''Stewart:''' We do away with computers. :'''Everyone except Peter:''' Yes and h- :'''Peter:''' ''You idiot!'' That's '''''fucking''''' mental! :'''Stewart:''' No blocking, Peter, only counterpoint. Do away with computers, what do we think? How will it affect us? Good idea? Bad idea? :'''Peter:''' Good idea for me, I wouldn't get anymore of your ''fucking'' emails. ''[Peter gets up]'' :'''Stewart:''' Try and stay cross-legged if you can, but don't break the circle... :'''Peter:''' I'm 54, Stewart. My knees are fucked and my patience is snapped. Some of us had to go through this hippie shit the first time around. :'''Stewart:''' I'm not talking about trying to sell it to the electorate, Peter. I'm talking about exploring it within the free space of the circle. :'''Peter:''' Okay, give me the ball. Give me the ball! Give me the ball. ''(Peter tries to wrestle the ball away from Stewart)'' :'''Stewart:''' No! :'''Peter:''' Give me... give me the ''FUCKING'' ball, Stewart! ''[grabs the ball]'' Let's do away with you. :'''Stewart:''' What? :'''Peter:''' Filter's off, Daddy-o! Let it all hang out! Just suppose your free-range no-consequence bullshit was hugely entertaining when we were in opposition and shitting money, but now we're in government and it's all gone a bit [[wikipedia:J._G._Ballard|J.G. Ballard]], it's irrelevant and infantile! :'''Stewart:''' Oh, very droll, Peter. :'''Peter:''' Oh, and maybe the reason you don't mind handing your phone in is that it doesn't ring as much as it used to. Oh, sorry; ''doesn't ring as much as it used to, yes and ho.''<hr width="50%" />'''Glenn:''' Want the opinion of an old lag? Mannion will have to go. :'''Phil:''' Stick to 'policemen are getting younger', Glenn. Peter's going nowhere, and I don't mean that in a Glenn's career kind of way. :'''Glenn:''' I've seen a lot of people resign, and they're always happier afterwards. :'''Phil:''' You're thinking of lobotomies. Peter resigns over my dead body. :'''Glenn:''' Yes. Yes, that would be the ideal scenario. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Peter, Emma and Stewart are wondering why they have been called away from the Thought Camp.)'' :'''Emma:''' It's probably just Phil, he'll have run out of colouring books or something. :'''Peter:''' Anything to get out of Stewart's think sphincter. :'''Stewart:''' ''(to the hotel receptionist)'' Hello, receptionist. Could I have my phone, please? :'''Receptionist:''' Um, your name, sir? :'''Stewart:''' It's Stewart. :'''Receptionist:''' Stewart? :'''Stewart:''' Stewart Pearson. :'''Peter:''' Peter Mannion. Mine's the old Nokia. Yeah, thank you. :'''Stewart:''' Look, mine's the one with Stewart written on it. :''(Nobody can get a good reception on the phones...)'' :'''Peter:''' I can't get any reception. :'''Receptionist:''' No, you won't round here. :'''Peter:''' What? :'''Receptionist:''' "No reception at reception," we always say. The best spot, sounds stupid, is the children's play area, top of the slide? <hr width="50%"/> :''(Peter and Stewart are forced to run over to the playground to get a reception!)'' :'''Stewart:''' God, I hate the country. ''(to Peter)'' Get higher, you idiot. :'''Peter:''' That's it, that's it, I've got something. :'''Stewart:''' Download the intel, Peter. Come on, put it on speaker. :'''Peter:''' No, I've got loads of messages from my wife and from Phil. :''(Peter's listening to the messages on his cell phone.)'' :'''Peter:''' She's taking the dog to the hospital... :'''Stewart:''' Oh, come on. :'''Peter:''' She's had a long wait...the wound in his paw's gone septic. :'''Stewart:''' Oh please, Peter, move on. :'''Peter:''' Tickle's dead. :'''Stewart:''' What? :'''Peter:''' ''(stunned)'' Tickle's dead. :'''Stewart:''' Okay, it's my turn on that signal, Peter, get down. :'''Peter:''' Wait, I'm listening to the message! I'm listening to the fucking message! Don't -- :'''Stewart:''' I need to get this signal! :''(Peter still doesn't want to slide down the slide.)'' :'''Stewart:''' Stop being so childish! :'''Peter:''' Jesus Christ! :'''Stewart:''' Just get down, Peter. :''(Peter slides down the slide.)'' :'''Stewart:''' I've got it! I've got it! :''(Emma's come over to the playground.)'' :'''Emma:''' Playtime's over. Tickle's dead, okay? Number 10's gone off the hook mental. Stewart, take my phone to call the PM. ''(Emma gives Stewart her cell phone.)'' :'''Emma:''' ''(to Peter)'' Right, Phil's meeting us, he's going to bring a shirt, suit and tie. You are not going to arrive looking like the manager of an organic wine bar. ''(to both Peter and Stewart)'' Right. Come on, come on, come on! Movement! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Fergus, Adam and Glenn are discussing strategy back at DoSAC.)'' :'''Glenn:''' Well, anyway, um, Mannion has surely got to freeze housing disposals now. :'''Fergus:''' Yeah. And on that point, Glenn, I wonder if it might be at all helpful if we collated every single statement Mannion's made about Tickle and the sell-off policy? :'''Adam:''' Yeah, as a sort of favor to selected hacks. Put a bit of air between us and the policy. A ''lot'' of air. :'''Glenn:''' Adam, this is not the time for party political point-scoring. At least let the body get cold. :'''Fergus:''' Of course, understood. What was it? What was it Peter said to those Welsh chartered surveyors? :'''Adam:''' The health service should be for care, not subsidized housing. I mean, that is... :''(Adam mimes an explosion.)'' :'''Glenn:''' Jesus, is this what we came into politics for? :'''Adam:''' Yeah. That and the pussy. <hr width="50%"/> :''(In the car back to DoSAC HQ from Thought Camp, Phil hands Peter a rainbow tie.)'' :'''Peter:''' What's that? I'm supposed to be commenting on a suicide, not a fucking camel race! :'''Phil:''' I thought it would balance out the bad news. You know, yin-yang. [[wikipedia:Jon_Snow_(journalist)|Jon Snow]] does it. :'''Stewart''' ''(on his phone)'': I want Tickle's movements over the last 24 hours, and I want his complete mental health records since he first sat on a potty. :'''Peter:''' Do you think you might need one or two computers for that, Stewart? :'''Emma:''' ''(on her phone)'' Yeah, okay, well, we're going to try and dredge up some firefighting strategy. Yeah, yeah. Absolutely. I'll top-load you as soon as we arrive. Yeah, thanks, okay. All right, bye. :''(Peter is struggling to put his suit jacket on with his seatbelt on.)'' :'''Peter:''' Can I, can I take the seatbelt off? :'''Emma:''' ''(to Peter)'' No, Peter. ''(Emma then sees Stewart tapping his head nervously.)'' Stewart, what are you doing? :'''Stewart:''' It-It helps with the car sickness. :'''Peter:''' This is great, isn't it, Stewart? A conference on crisis management that's been scuppered by an actual fucking crisis. :'''Phil:''' We don't even know why he killed himself yet. I mean, suicide, it's pathetic! At least take some of your enemies with you, that's a noble death. :'''Emma:''' This is going completely nuts, so many questions being asked! :'''Stewart:''' Yes, starting with "Why did Phil bring a tie from the '90s?" :'''Phil:''' Yeah, don't panic, I brought an alternative. ''(shows Peter a black tie)'' :'''Peter:''' But that's too far the other way! :'''Stewart:''' It makes him look guilty. :'''Phil:''' How can he be guilty? He's got the perfect alibi, he was at boot camp. :'''Peter:''' Oh! :'''Emma:''' Brilliant, let's release that, hey? 'There's no actual blood on his hands ''and'' he remembered to wipe the fingerprints off the knife!' :'''Phil''' ''(showing Peter his tie)'': Look, you can wear my tie, what about mine? :'''Peter:''' What's on your tie? :'''Phil:''' Tintin moon rockets. :'''Peter:''' Oh, for fuck's sake! :'''Stewart:''' ''(to Phil)'' God, it amazes me you ever found your way out of your mother's womb! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stewart:''' Terri, poppet, can you send me out a cry-mail, 'We give a toss, we're sorry for your loss', yeah? Peter, we might need to relaunch the trousers. And get him a tie, a bland one; Glenn, one of yours, yeah? :''(Phil goes to get Glenn's tie)'' :'''Fergus:''' Er, Peter, I have a bit of news I should probably make you aware of. :'''Peter:''' Yes I do know, Fergus, a man with an amusing name has died. :'''Fergus:''' Er, no, actually, it's that this morning I, well, I set up a community bank. :'''Emma:''' ... What? :'''Peter:''' You did what? You s– You set up a bank? :'''Phil''' ''(returning with Glenn's tie)'': I had a moment of weakness and they exploited it, like [[wikipedia:Hugh Grant|Hugh Grant]]. :'''Fergus:''' Yeah, well, we didn't really have much choice 'cause it was all going to piss in a kettle here, so we had to get the economist out of the way. :'''Peter:''' What are you talking about? What economist? :'''Fergus:''' Well, we were having a preliminary meeting when Phil started to crow, Glenn was having a meltdown, it was getting embarrassing! :'''Peter''': You bought a bank out of social embarrassment? I sometimes buy ''[[wikipedia:The_Big_Issue|The Big Issue]]'' out of social embarrassment, I don't buy a ''fucking '''bank!''' :'''Fergus:''' Peter, this is so fucking us. :'''Stewart:''' Yeah, let me just wind back, right? Let's get this straight, just so that I can deal with you two properly: how much is this bank? :'''Fergus and Adam:''' Well, £2 billion. :'''Emma:''' ''£2 billion?'' :'''Stewart:''' Sweet Tracey Emin! :'''Adam:''' Alright, don't need to shit yourself about it, because we're not buying it. OK? It's funded by taxes. :'''Emma:''' Oh, that's alright then! :'''Peter:''' Oh great, the triple! I'm a nurse-killer, a banker, and now I'm raising '''''fucking TAXES?''''' :'''Fergus:''' Well, you are meant to be the bad cop, so what's our out? :''(Phil drapes Glenn's tie around Peter's neck)'' :'''Peter:''' You're giving me an actual noose along with a metaphorical one. TROUSERS! :'''Phil:''' Sorry, I'm getting the trousers – ''(interrupted by an alert on his phone)'' Jesus! What were you guys doing at the hotel? There's a picture of you on a slide, it's been tweeted by a golfer. :'''Emma:''' ''(looks at the photo)'' Oh, f– :'''Stewart:''' ''(receiving Phil's phone)'' No no no no no no... :'''Phil:''' It's gonna go big, probably viral. Bigger than ''[[wikipedia:Charlie_Bit_My_Finger|Charlie Bit My Finger]]''. :'''Adam:''' You look like the [[wikipedia:The_Swiss_Family_Robinson|Shit Family Robinson]]. :''(Stewart suddenly screams and hurls Phil's phone at the wall, narrowly missing Emma)'' :'''Emma:''' Jesus Christ! :'''Terri:''' Shit! :''(Stewart storms off)'' :'''Adam:''' Oh, poor Stewart. I think a bit of his brain broke. :'''Phil:''' My phone broke! I was up to Warlock General in Dragonlance! A year of my life, gone! :'''Fergus:''' Er, Peter, speaking of socially embarrassing situations, what the fuck were you doing being photographed ''on a slide''? :'''Peter:''' It was the only place we could get a FUCKING SIGNAL! :'''Fergus:''' Two grown men in a playground, that's a pretty 'clear signal'. :'''Emma:''' Peter, Number 10 have seen the photo. They don't want you to make a statement. So Fergus, looks like you're up. Statement on Tickle in 10 minutes, OK? :'''Fergus:''' Bring it! :'''Emma:''' I'm gonna go and talk Stewart down. :''(Phil tries to hand the pair of trousers to Peter.)'' :'''Peter:''' I don't want the fucking trousers! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Phil gives Glenn his tie back.)'' :'''Phil:''' Here you go, I managed to wrestle your tie back off Terri. I think there's still some of her fingernails in it, though. :'''Glenn:''' Well, in the grand scheme of things, that's not such a big deal. :'''Phil:''' You're not going to come and watch your guy give the statement? :'''Glenn:''' No. He's not my guy, Phil. I'm on my own here, there's no one quite like me. Not here, not any more. :'''Phil:''' Yeah. You're the last [[wikipedia:VHS|VHS]] in [[wikipedia:Oxfam|Oxfam]]. They won't take them anymore, I've tried. Seasons 1 to 5 of ''[[wikipedia:The_X-Files|The X-Files]]'', nothing, can't give them away. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Peter and Stewart share an unexpected bonding moment over their mutual dislike of Fergus while watching him on TV.)'' :'''Fergus:''' ''(talking to the reporters)'' ...for a fairer NHS, for a fairer public housing program. :'''Peter:''' He's exactly why people hate politicians. He's making me hate politicians -- ''him'' in particular. :'''Stewart:''' Any second now, he's gonna do the imaginary tits. :''(Fergus does the "imaginary tits...")'' :'''Peter:''' There they are. ''(Both Peter and Stewart let out sarcastic chuckles.)'' :'''Fergus:''' Thank you. ''(Fergus heads back inside.)'' :'''Peter:''' Look at him. ''(beat)'' Moments like this make you realize why Elvis shot so many TVs. ==Series 4, Episode 4== :'''Malcolm:''' ''(on the phone)'' Sam, hi, listen, can you do me a favour? Buy some flowers for Nicola fucking Murray. Yeah, have them delivered to her home this evening with a card that says: "Sorry you had to go, but let's face it, you are a fucking waste of skin". Waste of skin, yeah. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to a hospital receptionist)'' Morning. I'm looking for a Mr. Oliver Reeder. He looks a bit like a Quentin Blake illustration. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ollie:''' ''(answers his mobile)'' Hi Mum. Yeah, a bit sore – :'''Malcolm:''' ''(entering Ollie's room)'' Here she is, Britain's latest post-op transsexual. How did they do that, did they actually manage to graft one on? ''(briefly lifts up Ollie's bedsheet)'' :'''Ollie:''' I'll call you back, Mum. ''(hangs up)'' It's the scary Morrissey! :'''Malcolm:''' ''(throws Ollie some flowers)'' I've come to cheer you up. :'''Ollie:''' Did you actually buy me flowers, Malcolm? :'''Malcolm:''' No no no, it's [[wikipedia:Roadside_memorial|one of the many advantages]] of living close to an accident blackspot. So how are things, the little boy from ''The Secret Garden?'' :'''Ollie:''' Well, you know, there's no Wi-Fi, there's basic Freeview. It's like living in 2003. But I am lighter to the tune of one whole appendix, so I do feel very svelte. :'''Malcolm:''' So have you seen this? ''(holds up the'' Guardian'', which leads with an interview with Steve Fleming)'' :'''Ollie:''' ''(reads the headline)'' "Nicola Murray is 'unelectable'"? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(throws Ollie the paper)'' Fleming is foaming. :'''Ollie:''' Is that it then, is she fucked? :'''Malcolm:''' Like [[w:Caligula|Caligula]]'s favourite watermelon. Fleming's fired the starting pistol so we can all start firing our ''actual'' pistols into her fucking fat unelectable smug head. :'''Ollie:''' How...Is this it now? :'''Malcolm:''' It's on. It's on like Fat Pat's thong. We're putting Nicola on a train today to Bradford. It's the closest as I could get to locking her in a metal box. :'''Ollie:''' Oh, this is the Here 2 Hear thing. What a great idea, going around the country listening to people tell you that they hate you, just in different accents. ''(In various accents)'' "I fucking hate you." "I hate you." "I fucking hate you." :'''Ollie:''' So wait, today's the day? :'''Malcolm:''' Today's the day. Once she's on the train, I'm going to detonate the main bomb, but I need you to set one off later. :'''Ollie:''' ''(laughing)'' Malcolm, I'm in hospital, I'm not wearing any pants! :'''Malcolm:''' I don't care if you've been dead for a year and playing cribbage with [[wikipedia:Jimmy_Savile|Jimmy fucking Savile]]. I want you to make a bomb and explode it, today. :'''Ollie:''' ''(confused)'' This is a metaphorical bomb, right? :'''Malcolm:''' This is it, [[wikipedia:Jack_Bauer|Jack fucking Bauer]]. Time for you to embrace your inner bastard.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Nicola:''' I'm not going to exploit a suicide. :'''Malcolm:''' Come on, you can't look a gift corpse in the mouth, you should be taking that corpse and slapping the Government about the face with it. Bit of slap with Tickle, yeah? :'''Nicola:''' No, I'm not doing it, it's insensitive, as was that. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nicola:''' Erm, John, maybe – :'''John Duggan:''' Please, call me JD, I've rebranded. :'''Nicola:''' Right. So John, if you could get us some drinks, that would be great. :'''John Duggan:''' Abso-dutely, I could murder a lager! It's all right drinking on trains, isn't it, it's one of those places where alcohol is acceptable at any time of day, like a casino, or Cardiff. That's not racist. I could have said Glasgow, or Dublin. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ben''' ''(to two colleagues)'': Yeah, it's a [[wikipedia:Nigella_Lawson|Nigella]] recipe, you sort of do it with gammon and Coca-Cola. That's fantastic. :'''Malcolm:''' Ah, the hairless [[wikipedia:Rubeus_Hagrid|Hagrid]]. I need a private word. :'''Ben:''' Yeah, we're kind of in the middle of something. :'''Malcolm''' ''(to Ben's colleagues)'': I need you lot to make like a tree and go fuck yourselves. :'''Ben:''' Yeah, we'll pick this up later. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm''' ''(seeing Ben's empty desk)'': Oh I'm sorry, I can come back if you're – I didn't realise you were so fucking busy. :'''Ben:''' Well, I could do some work, but you know what, we're still gonna lose. :'''Malcolm:''' Hey hey hey. Don't be so grim, you big quim. You are the future of this party, yeah? You are the next generation. :'''Ben:''' And you're in its past, I mean – I don't really know why you're still here, Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' I just want to see this thing turn around, right? I can't leave while we're getting fucked in the polls, and we're getting fucked consistently and repeatedly like a horse in the fucking Hebrides. :'''Ben:''' All very original observations, Malcolm MacIntucker, but what's the solution? :'''Malcolm:''' Nicola has to go. Today. :'''Ben:''' Oh, right. :'''Malcolm:''' You need to resign. :'''Ben:''' And challenge her for the leadership? :'''Malcolm:''' Ah, no. No, that would be petty and self-interested. No. You are doing this for the greater good of the party. As Deputy Leader, Dan Miller will take over, and he can be anointed at a later date. :'''Ben:''' So, you want me to stick my cock in a fan so that Dan Miller can become the next Prime Minister? Well fuck you very much, Malcolm. What do ''I'' get out of this? :'''Malcolm:''' I would not ask you to do this for nothing, would I? :'''Ben:''' You might. :'''Malcolm:''' I'm asking you, because you're a big fucking beast. Which is why, when you come back, it'll be as Foreign Secretary. :'''Ben:''' And you mean Foreign Secretary, that isn't code for, like, Northern Ireland, I'm not fucking going there. :'''Malcolm:''' This is the proper Foreign Secretary, with all the perks. Fuck-off breakfasts at Dubai hotels. Tours of secret Russian sex yachts. :'''Ben:''' All right! All right, I'll do it. And you know what? I'd have done it for a lot less. :'''Malcolm:''' I beg your pardon? :'''Ben:''' I'd have done it just to see the look on Nicola's face. :'''Malcolm:''' Oh. I've underestimated you. :'''Ben:''' ''(quite proud of himself)'' You have been out-maneuvered by a player. It happens. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well...didn't used to. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nicola:''' God, this is absolutely ridiculous. We so should have sat separately in first! :'''Helen:''' You can't go in first class, it's career suicide. You might as well do a shit in the aisle. <hr width="50%" /> :''(Glenn Cullen is visiting Ollie Reeder in the hospital)'' :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' So go on, then. How's life in Nazi HQ? Is it fun collaborating? :'''Glenn:''' Oh, don't start all that again. I got into government by accident. :'''Ollie:''' Speaking of which, how is Terri? :'''Glenn:''' She's entering her dog for ''Britain's Got Talent.'' :''(Ollie lets out a big laugh)'' :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Look, what's the matter with you anyway? Please tell me you're looking for a bone marrow donor and that I'm your only hope. The answer would be no, by the way. :'''Ollie:''' Bad luck. No, it's an appendix out. Well, I hope it is. Since your lot took over the NHS, everything's a fucking adventure, isn't it? :'''Glenn:''' Look, all this is incredibly entertaining, Ollie. But you called me over in my lunch hour, and as you're fond of saying, I don't have many of them left. :'''Ollie:''' So you know all this stuff with Mr. Tickle? :'''Glenn:''' Sad business. :'''Ollie:''' Very sad business. :'''Glenn:''' Yeah. Mr. Sad is actually very very sad about it. :'''Ollie:''' Yes. Mr. Happy, on the other hand: fucking delighted! :'''Glenn:''' Yeah? Mr. Stoic's taking it on the chin. :'''Ollie:''' Yes! Mr. Milk-it says we should probably stop this now. :'''Glenn:''' Okey doke. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nicola''' ''(returning to her seat)'': Right, wee mission accomplished. :'''John Duggan''': Actually, having an accurate wee into a moving train toilet would make a great round on ''[[wikipedia:The_Cube_(game_show)|The Cube]]'' with Phillip Schofield.<hr width="50%" />'''Glenn''' ''(entering the toilet)'': Ollie, come on, this is my shittiest lunch break I've had since Stewart took us all out for sushi. :'''Ollie:''' Patience, old man, and you can watch the fuckpuppet master at work now. ''(calls Ben)'' Ben Swain! Benign tumour, Bental illness! :'''Ben:''' Ol– Oliver Cyst, Olivetti – Spaghet– I don't really have time for chit-chat, Ollie. :'''Ollie:''' Are you resigning, mate, are you dropping the R-bomb? [[wikipedia:Enola_Gay|Benola Gay]]? I'm not just, er, talking about the rumours. :'''Ben:''' Let's just say it is time to prepare the hidey-hole for Madame Hussein, her reign of error is over. :'''Ollie:''' And out of interest, Ben, what would it take to stop you from resigning? :'''Ben:''' Why, what's Nicola offering? :'''Ollie:''' Name your price! :'''Ben:''' All right. Shadow Chancellor. :''(Ollie laughs. Glenn barely stops himself from doing so as well.)'' :'''Ollie:''' Ah, you still got it, Benny. :'''Ben:''' I'm serious, stop fucking laughing. :'''Ollie:''' All right, I'll call you back. ''(hangs up)'' :'''Glenn:''' This is a fucking joke! Ben Swain, Chancellor? He goes into debt every time he passes a sweet shop! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm''' ''(answering his phone)'': What have you got for me, Professor Brian Cock? :'''Ollie:''' Ben small-balled it. Nicola's offered him Shadow Chancellor, he's not resigning. :'''Malcolm:''' Christ in a diamond heist, the dopey fucking bollard. Right, how are you getting on with the old man from ''[[Up (2009 film)|Up]]''? :''(Glenn is waiting outside the toilet)'' :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, you know, getting there. :'''Malcolm:''' Well, get a move on. I want him leaking like [[wikipedia:Cliff_Richard|Cliff Richard]] out jogging. :'''Ollie:''' Right. OK. I'll be right on it. ''(hangs up)'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm''' ''(entering Ben's office)'': Oh, here she is. [[wikipedia:Pippa_Middleton|Pippa Middleton]], trying to steal the limelight with your peachy little arse. Right, where are we? :'''Dan:''' Well, I've just offered Ben here Deputy Leadership of the party. :'''Ben:''' I don't want it. I want Chancellor. :'''Malcolm''' ''(surprised)'': Chancellor? Of the United Kingdom? :'''Ben:''' Yeah, it's what Nicola's offering me. :'''Malcolm:''' Are you sure about this Ben, how's your economics? :'''Ben:''' Good, strong. :'''Malcolm:''' What, you're a [[wikipedia:Philosophy,_Politics_and_Economics|PPE]]-er guy? :'''Ben:''' No, History of Art, but – :'''Malcolm:''' Oh right, so you are confident that one day you will be able to shepherd this country out of one of the darkest economic periods in its entire fucking art history? :'''Ben:''' Look, at the moment, I hold all the cards, including the card that tells you how to play, so – so [[wikipedia:It_ain't_over_till_the_fat_lady_sings|it's over. The fat lady's singing]]. :'''Malcolm:''' No she's not. The [[wikipedia:Wynne_Evans|fat man]] from the [[wikipedia:Gocompare.com|GoCompare]] adverts is talking. :'''Ben:''' This is tiger-by-the-tail time and I'm loving it, loving it, loving it! :'''Dan:''' Oh, in that case you leave me no option, Ben, I'm gonna have to say yes. :'''Ben:''' Oh, [[wikipedia:Chumbawamba|Chumba-fucking-wamba]]! Then I resign on the dotted line. :'''Malcolm:''' Can you give us a minute, Ben, please? Dan and I need to talk some strategy. :'''Ben:''' Might head in the direction of confection; any snack-age, anyone? :'''Dan:''' No, no. :''(Ben leaves)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Is this for real? :'''Dan:''' No, of course it's not for real, Malcolm. I'm offering him Chancellor, but I might as well be offering him bass player in [[wikipedia:The_Wurzels|The Wurzels]], because that burly haemorrhoid's getting nowhere near any fucking cabinet of mine. :'''Malcolm:''' Good, so how are you gonna shaft him? :'''Dan:''' That's not my problem. That's your problem, Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' Right, so this is a little test, is it, you're weighing my balls? :''(Dan nods and smiles.)'' :'''Dan:''' Should we get Ben? :'''Malcolm:''' Oh, [[wikipedia:I'll_be_back|he'll be back]]. Like the shit [[wikipedia:Terminator_(character)|Terminator]]. ''(Ben returns)'' There he is.<hr width="50%"/> :'''Ben:''' I hereby tweet, 'I have resigned. More to follow.' Didn't seem that momentous. :'''Malcolm:''' How many followers have you got? :'''Ben:''' 612, or thereabouts. :'''Malcolm:''' Christ, well let's hope it gets retweeted, otherwise you might as well just whisper it to a fucking dead tramp. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Nicola is upset that she wasn't able to get support from a fellow politician in her party.)'' :'''Nicola:''' Fucking fibroid polyp bitch! I hope they sprout out of her abdomen and fucking choke her! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Ben is preparing for his big announcement, but first, Malcolm wants to show Ben something on his cell phone.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' These phones are amazing, aren't they? I've got an [[wikipedia:Mobile_app|application]] here that can throw grenades into people's dreams. :'''Ben:''' So, how do I look? :'''Malcolm:''' Is that your suit with the reinforced trouser arse on it, yeah? :'''Ben:''' Ha, very funny. What, a joke that I'm going to shit myself? :'''Malcolm:''' No, it's because you're gonna need it for the 10 years you're gonna be sitting on the back benches. The e-mail trail about the key worker housing clearly shows that you, Benjamin Trevor Swain, were gleefully in favor of it, just like Nicola. :'''Ben:''' You've...Um... :'''Malcolm:''' There you go. Break a leg, love. And your neck and your wrist. It doesn't really matter. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Meanwhile, Nicola and Helen are on a train back to London, when Nicola realizes...)'' :'''Nicola:''' I never act on impulse. I'm so not impulsive. And Malcolm made me do it now, fuck! :'''Helen:''' What? :'''Nicola:''' Launching this inquiry may prove to be misguided in that I now recall I may have fleetingly supported the policy myself. :'''Helen:''' (in disbelief) So you've essentially launched an investigation into yourself. :'''Nicola:''' Malcolm made me do it. :'''Helen:''' Oh, well, Malcolm, yeah. :'''Nicola:''' You've met Malcolm. I would've said that it was ethically bad. :'''Helen:''' I'll tell you what you said, just give me a minute. ''(Helen scoffs)'' Brilliant. Courtesy of the ''Telegraph'' website. You said, "Great revenue raiser, but I'm afraid it's a no-no because of my bloody husband." I'm sorry. Why would you do that? :'''Nicola:''' You remember all your e-mails, do you, that you sent three years ago? Because from what I understand from Ollie, a large number of them were sent to that married producer on the ''Daily Politics.'' :'''Helen:''' Ollie is a fucking...because...He was supposed to leave her and... :''(Helen wants to come up with a better rescue plan.)'' :'''Helen:''' Okay, while we're on our way back to London, maybe we should make a list of the things, you know, you're for and against. Let's start with something simple. Animals in circuses? :'''Nicola:''' Tell you what. Why don't you make the little list and shove it up your tight, cold arse? I just need to stare. :'''Helen:''' Have a good stare. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nicola:''' ''(on the phone to Ollie)'' You are not going to try and talk me down off a ledge, are you? Because, I've got to tell you, I'm really tired and the pavement looks like a nice, warm, splatty bed right now. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' Right, come on, folks, gather round, grab your cheesy nachos and your fucking [[wikipedia:Vuvuzela|vuvuzelas]]: this is what we've all been waiting for, it's the Queen's fucking speech. :''(A few moments later, as Nicola begins her resignation speech...)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Come on, this is fucking history in the making, right, this is the ending of a chapter of a very thin book that nobody enjoyed reading. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nicola:''' It has become apparent to me that I no longer have the full support of the party. :'''Malcolm:''' You never had the support of the party, you big bag of fucking useless doubt. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Dan enters the room as Nicola concludes her speech.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' And here he is, the anointed one! :''(Malcolm leads the room in applause)'' :'''Dan:''' Oh – please, please, I'm not Christ. He was quite a scruffy man. ==Series 4, Episode 5== :''(In this scene, Peter, Phil and Emma are walking their way upstairs to their office. The news of Nicola Murray's resignation as Leader of the Opposition is being broadcast on TV.)'' :'''Phil:''' There she goes, a tiebreaker in the making. "Who was Nicola Murray? I'll have to hurry you, teams." :'''Peter:''' Farewell, our shit and useless servant. :'''Emma:''' Yeah, at least Miller's a step up from Murray. He doesn't have to write Left and Right on his wellies. :''(Meanwhile, Stewart is leading his team downstairs at their desks.)'' :'''Stewart:''' I need your attention for 30 of your earth seconds. ''This'' is what will happen. :'''Phil:''' ''(looking downstairs)'' What the fuck is Stewart doing? :'''Stewart:''' You will go to the Z drive. You find a file entitled, "Miller Ascension, Whitehall Arab Spring." Open, ingest, implement. And after that...''(While Stewart is talking to the team, he sees Peter, Phil and Emma upstairs and makes an "I see you" gesture towards them.)'' I expect both of you, you two... :'''Peter:''' ''(groaning)'' Oh, fuck. :'''Stewart:''' ...to get together... :'''Peter:''' The man made of space hopper is coming this way. :''(Peter, Phil and Emma continue walking.)'' :'''Emma:''' This is gonna be about the inquiry. :'''Peter:''' ''(to Phil and Emma)'' I'm thinking I should resign now. :''(Emma and Phil are stunned.)'' :'''Emma:''' ''WHAT?'' :'''Phil:''' No, you can't do that! You're [[wikipedia:Aslan|Aslan]]! No one shaves your mane! :'''Peter:''' I'm not a fucking lion, Phil. There's going to be an inquiry into the death of a man who died because of a policy I signed off on. We all know how this is going to end. I, I, I should take the dignified way out. :'''Emma:''' No, you've missed the dignified exit. That was straight away, basically. :'''Peter:''' ''(slumping his shoulders)'' Yeah. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Peter, Phil and Emma are now talking about Fergus and Adam's Carer's Pass policy.)'' :'''Peter:''' The only silver lining in today's cloud of farts is that another one of [[wikipedia:Morecambe and Wise|Morecambe and Wise]]'s policy launches is ruined. :'''Phil:''' Are those the carers? They don't look old enough. :'''Emma:''' Free travel passes or something. It's another one of Adam and Fergus's Pop-Up Book of Policies. :''(As Peter and his team stop by the carers, he politely greets them and shakes their hands.)'' :'''Peter:''' ''(to the carers)'' Peter Mannion, lovely to meet you. What vital work you do. :'''Fergus:''' Peter, I'd love to introduce you to the carers... :'''Peter:''' ''(to Fergus, flatly)'' I've just met them. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Peter, Phil and Emma are now trying to come up with a plan in Peter's office...)'' :'''Peter:''' What's my plan? I didn't resign, and now this inquiry's gonna nail me up like fucking [[wikipedia:Barabbas|Barabbas]]. :'''Phil:''' Actually, he was the one they let go. Shouldn't have, he's a criminal. :'''Emma:''' Wait...We could, we could wrong-foot Murray. :'''Peter:''' Yeah, how? :'''Emma:''' You could push for the inquiry to go wider. :'''Phil:''' Wider? That's mental, we want to shut it down! :'''Emma:''' No, shush! Just hear me out! We can look into the whole, the whole culture of PFI procurement. :'''Phil:''' That is a good idea. :'''Peter:''' Really? :'''Phil:''' Fuck, that hurt to say! But she-she's right, because, um, Murray's husband's involved in PFI and he's as dodgy as a Russian, – as a Russian. :'''Emma:''' We can backspin it, Peter, it's good. :'''Peter:''' But, but is – is revenge a mature response? Let me think: Yes it is. Right, let's poke her in the PFIs. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Stewart is now upstairs talking to more of the DoSAC personnel.)'' :'''Stewart:''' If you get any channel problems, just swing them past the purple Power Ranger over here. (pointing to Terri) :''(As Peter leaves his office, he sees the carers again.)'' :'''Peter:''' ''(to the carers)'' Hello again. Vital, vital work, so proud of you. ''(Then Peter walks over to Terri.)'' Terri, I've got a job for you. :'''Stewart:''' Ah, Peter, this is all pretty white-knuckle stuff, eh? Is it getting the old adrenaline pumping, assuming it can squeeze past the port and stilton – :'''Peter:''' ''(to Stewart)'' Shut the fuck up, you prancing shit. ''(to Terri)'' Uh, we need to widen the inquiry into Mr. Tickle's death to include the issue of PFI contracts. :'''Terri:''' Great. Okay, I'm just working on Fergus's Carers Pass press release... :'''Peter:''' Aw, good. Could you fuck that to one side for the moment and concentrate on this? Yeah. :'''Stewart:''' Let's slip it into neutral for a moment here, Peter. We haven't got a green light from the PM yet, so let's not hit the accelerator. :'''Peter:''' Here's another way of looking at it: Let's. Goodbye. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm''' ''(to party staff, ahead of Nicola's arrival)'': Right, stop rolling around naked in the headlines; [[wikipedia:Thinking_man's/woman's_crumpet|blind man's crumpet]]'s on the way up. If you're gonna film her on your phones, try not to make it obvious, and no smiling. Not even a wee fucking [[wikipedia:Anne_Robinson|Anne Robinson]], right? The look we're going for should be ''solemn respect'': you know, like blokes modelling underpants.<hr width="50%" /> :''(Nicola Murray is trying to ask Dan Miller, the new Leader of the Opposition, NOT to go through with launching the inquiry.)'' :'''Nicola:''' This inquiry, you know, it's not really necessary now, so if-if you want to say that, I'll just back down. :'''Dan:''' ''(unmoved)'' An inquiry wouldn't be a bad thing. A clean break with the past in the minds of the electorate. :'''Nicola:''' Well, I mean, the electorate, you know, like me. ''(chuckling)'' Quite a lot of them voted me leader, so... :'''Dan:''' But you only beat me on a technicality. :'''Nicola:''' Yeah. I mean the thing is, Dan, ''(Dan nods)'' you know, pragmatically, I'm now a party grandee – ''(Malcolm enters)'' Malcolm, this is a private conversation. :''(Malcolm takes a chair and sits down.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' You are not a grandee, you are a fucking blandee. No one knew what the fuck you stood for. Political fucking mist. No substance, no weight. You've got all the charm of a rotting teddy bear by a graveside. By the way...women fucking hate you. I can show you the polling. They think you come across like a jittery mother at a wedding. The best thing you ever did in your flatlining non-leadership was call for an inquiry, because that will fuck the government and it will fuck ''you''. So now, please, just fuck off back to your home, you headless frump, and prepare for your column in ''[[wikipedia:Grazia|Grazia]]''. :'''Dan:''' Steady on, Malcolm, that's a bit strong. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Come on, let's go. :'''Nicola:''' Okay, you, well...You just need to know that you have absolutely fucking done it now, Malcolm, because you are about to find out what it feels like to have me pissing in your tent. :'''Malcolm:''' Well, you know what? Your piss will never fucking make it into my tent, because by some unforeseen Nicola Murray-shaped fiasco, like every fucking Nicola Murray-shaped fiasco I've had to deal with for the last two years. you'll end up blowing your own fucking stream into your own fucking face. ''There's'' your golden handshake. :'''Nicola:''' Finished? :'''Malcolm:''' ''You're'' finished. :'''Nicola:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' We'll see. ''(to Dan)'' Right, well, thanks, Dan. Think about what I said. Also might want to think about the fact there should be an apostrophe in "its" ''(pointing to the "Its Miller Time" sign)'' Illiterate fuckers. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Adam is at Fergus's computer in their office. Adam is showing Fergus an article that will help Fergus distance himself from Peter in the Tickel scandal.)'' :'''Adam:''' Bingo. We just need to leak it. You saying, "Key worker housing sell-off is possibly the worst idea since the invention of theatre." :'''Fergus:''' Does that give us enough distance from Mannion? :'''Adam:''' Oh yeah. This is your Get Out of Jail Free card strapped to a fucking jetpack. We just need to leak it. :'''Fergus:''' Yeah, well, obviously it can't look like it came from us. :'''Adam:''' Maybe it's time to bring Glenn back into the hub. He's been out on a limb since punk, hasn't he? :'''Fergus:''' Thousand-year-old Glenn Fiddich? :'''Adam:''' Yeah. Fucking perfect, he'll love it. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Glenn, meanwhile, is in his office, trying to contact Ollie.)'' :'''Glenn''' ''(on the phone)'': Ollie, look, I'm feeling very exposed here. I've got my cock out, it's covered in breadcrumbs and the fucking pigeons are circling. Look, please, just-just ring me back. :''(Suddenly, Fergus and Adam enter Glenn's office.)'' :'''Adam:''' Mr. Cullen. We would like you to leak -- ''(pretending to be a magician)'' Wow! This. ''(Adam shows Glenn a [[wikipedia:USB flash drive|USB flash drive]].)'' Don't worry, nothing major, just an email that puts a bit of distance between Fergus and the Tickle affair. :'''Glenn:''' What, I go from being a turnip to a leak? Still a fucking vegetable to you, though, eh? :'''Fergus:''' You wanna bring Mannion down a peg or 12, don't you, Glenn? :'''Glenn:''' Yeah, of course I do. The up his arse Kensington Butcher. :'''Adam:''' ''(pointing to the USB flash drive)'' Well, this is the cyanide capsule we'd like you to break into his afternoon brandy. :'''Fergus:''' This is it, Glenn. You're off the bench, back on the pitch to score the golden goal in extra time. Come on, mate! :'''Adam:''' Pick it up. :''(After some thought...)'' :'''Glenn:''' Fuck it. Why not? I'll do it. :'''Fergus:''' Good man. Thank you. :''(Fergus offers to shake Glenn's hand, but Glenn's still a bit, uh, sore...)'' :'''Glenn:''' I don't need to shake your hand. :'''Fergus:''' All right. Touchy, but not feely. :'''Glenn:''' Just go. I'll just have a look at it. :''(As they leave Glenn's office. Fergus and Adam give each other celebratory fist bumps.)'' :'''Adam:''' You are a brilliant bullshitter. :'''Fergus:''' Yeah, well, two years doing press for npower, it never leaves you. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Glenn sneaks into Terri's office to leak the email from her computer while nobody else is looking. But as he's getting ready to do the deed, Glenn's caught by -- who else? -- Terri.)'' :'''Terri:''' Glenn! ''(beat)'' What are you doing at my computer? :'''Glenn:''' I-I'm just doing Bradford & Bingley a favor. I'm bringing down Mannion by leaking an email. :'''Terri:''' A leak? C-Coming from my computer? No. No, get off, get off. ''(pointing to the computer)'' Take that...that, the whatever it is out of the...whatever it is. Take it. Out. :'''Glenn:''' No one will think it's you. Nobody leaks from their own computer. Look, you do this for me and I'll make sure that you get the full severance package, no questions asked, with full pension. :'''Terri:''' ''(tempted)'' And a lump sum? :'''Glenn:''' Yeah, I guess, yeah. :'''Terri:''' ''(whispering)'' The thing is, Glenn, I've got -- I've got my eye on a tea shop near Ludlow. Without a lump sum, no tea shop, no can do. :'''Glenn:''' Okay, right. This can go straight to Geoffrey at ''The Guardian.'' :'''Terri:''' Okay, yeah. :'''Glenn:''' Right. :'''Terri:''' Can we do it together? :'''Glenn:''' What? :'''Terri:''' Please? Just your hand on mine and my hand on yours, just do it together. Like, erm... :'''Glenn:''' Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. :'''Terri:''' Yes, okay. :'''Glenn:''' Not that I'm saying you're butch. :'''Terri:''' No, of course not. :''(And with that, Glenn and Terri lock hands on the computer mouse...)'' :'''Glenn & Terri:''' One, two, three... :''(They click the mouse.)'' :'''Glenn:''' Just send the email. <hr width="50%"/> :''(In this scene, Peter, Phil and Emma arrive at Stewart's office at Number 10. Stewart is preparing a "whiteboard session"...much to Peter's annoyance.)'' :'''Stewart:''' Ah, Team Peter. Come on, guys, let's take a little imagination stroll through a virtual inquiry, yeah? :'''Peter:''' ''(groaning)'' Oh, dear God, not another whiteboard session. I've-I've got a note from my mother, I have a verruca. :'''Stewart:''' Just wanna get an overview, Peter, yeah? A helicopter shot of where we currently are. Who's most to blame in the blame garden. Okay, the onion is PFI. Let's peel back some layers. Murray resignation, how do we feel about that? :'''Peter:''' What's "Tickle's M Records"? :'''Stewart:''' Medical, it's his leaked medical records. :'''Peter:''' Leaked? I-I-I thought they were common knowledge. :'''Stewart:''' Well, they are now, because they have been leaked. :'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' Did you know about this? :'''Emma:''' Well, yeah, Number 10 knew, so I-I knew, yeah. :'''Peter:''' ''(to Phil)'' What about you? :'''Phil:''' Yeah, I-I thought Tickle leaked them himself. :'''Stewart:''' Who would voluntarily leak their own medical records? You'd have to be mad to do that. :'''Peter:''' He ''was'' mad, that's precisely what his records said. :'''Phil:''' Exactly. You know, he was a male nurse. That's not just mad, that's mental. :'''Emma:''' ''(taken aback)'' Oh, Phil! Did the last 30 years only happen to other people? :'''Peter:''' Why didn't I know about this? Leaking medical records ''is'' illegal. Well, I-I -- Now I look guilty and incompetent. :'''Stewart:''' ''(writing on the whiteboard)'' Ah! Peter, incompetent. :'''Peter:''' Look! Don't write that down! I'm not on your sodding onion! :'''Stewart:''' ''(continuing writing)'' What is GFU? Good for us. Mmm? :'''Emma''' ''(looking at her phone)'': Oh, shit with a capital SHIT! We've got to go. :'''Phil:''' Great! ''(stands up)'' :'''Stewart:''' Hey, no no no no no no no, sit. :'''Emma:''' ''The Guardian'' have received an email from Fergus – actually, do you know, strike that, a ''chain'' of emails – Oh, perfect, with all of our comments about Mr. Tickle underneath. :'''Phil:''' Oh God, not-not the one where we all piled in with the ''[[w:Mr. Men|Mr. Men]]'' jokes? :'''Emma:''' Yes, yes. That one, Phil. :'''Stewart:''' Oh, you kid me! :'''Phil:''' Oh, Jesus! :'''Emma:''' I kid you not! :'''Peter:''' Oh my giddy fuck. :''(They all run back to DoSAC while reading the emails on their phones.)'' :'''Emma:''' They've leaked all the bloody emails: 'Mr. Tickle sounds like a gropey clown at a kids' party'. :'''Peter:''' I can't see! Can I make it bigger? :'''Phil:''' Go to Settings. 'Poor ickle Mr. Tickle, perhaps he's mentally sickle.' Must be Fergus. :'''Peter:''' Is this Settings? Oh, I think I've just taken a picture of my feet! <hr width="50%" /> :'''Ollie:''' Erm... Glenn is in reception. :'''Malcolm:''' Hoddle? Miller? Close? Morangie? :'''Ollie:''' Cullen. Glenn Cullen is in reception. :'''Malcolm:''' Glenn? :'''Ollie:''' Yeah. :'''Malcolm:''' Why are you even fucking telling me that? When the Queen's butler finds a cockroach in the pantry, he just stamps on it. :'''Ollie:''' Yes... :'''Malcolm:''' She doesn't even know! :'''Ollie:''' Okay. Okay! I'll go stamp on the cockroach, Malcolm. <hr width="50%" /> :'''Glenn:''' Oh, hey! Shouldn't you be in bed? :'''Ollie:''' Shouldn't you not be here?! Whoa, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop! You can't go up there. :'''Glenn:''' No, I have to. I ''can't'' go back over there, it's like ''[[w:Alien vs. Predator (franchise)|Alien vs. Predator]]''! :'''Ollie:''' Glenn! :'''Glenn:''' I want back in! Here! :'''Ollie:''' Yes, everybody is... tremendously appreciative of what you've done. It was a noble sacrifice, but-- :'''Glenn:''' What do you mean, "sacrifice"? I thought we had a deal! "Sacrifice" sounds very one-sided. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, well, "piss off" sounds one-sided, but there we go-- ''(Malcolm arrives and pushes him aside)'' Hey! M-Malcolm! :'''Malcolm:''' Why is he still here? Can you not perform a simple task? When there is a shit on your doorstep, you hose it off. :'''Ollie:''' Right. :'''Malcolm:''' You don't try to talk it into leaving of its own volition. :'''Glenn:''' I got rid of Nicola for you, you owe me! :'''Malcolm:''' I owe you? Your act of treachery wiped the slate clean. [[Rudolf Hess]]'s fucking senile older brother. :'''Glenn:''' Look, I know you think I screwed up, but I came here on my hands and knees, Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' You, my friend, you don't exist to me anymore, I can't even fucking hear you. :'''Glenn:''' Do you want me to beg? Is-Is that it? Because I -- Because I will. :'''Malcolm:''' Listen, [[Mary, Queen of Scots|Mary, Queen of fucking Shits]]: in the old days we would've just slit you up the middle like a fucking Cornish [[wikipedia:Pasty|pasty]], hanged your steaming entrails all around the Tower of fucking London! Catch you later, you fucking traitor! ''(turns to Sam, who has appeared on the stairs)'' Sam, what is it? :'''Sam:''' It's a call from Stewart Pearson. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(takes the phone from Sam)'' Stewart Pearson. ''(to Glenn)'' I'm the fucking wankers' lodestone today. ''(answers the phone, walking away)'' Stewart. Yes, [[wikipedia:Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy|the goatee-bearded guru-boy of Company B]]. :'''Ollie:''' It's a no, Glenn. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Stewart and Malcolm are having a not-so-friendly chat on their cell phones.)'' :'''Stewart:''' Yeah, Malcolm, can this wait? Hmm? :'''Malcolm:''' Word is the PM's considering an inquiry into the culture of leaking. :'''Stewart:''' No, no. Do you really think he's going to invite everyone into our complex network of secret little burrows? Open up the whole of Watership Down? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Okay, Bright Eyes. I'm massively fucking reassured. :'''Stewart:''' Look, you may as well have an inquiry into gravity. Now I have to go, Malcolm, because I've got like a whole country to govern, yeah? <hr width="50%"/> :''(As Peter, Phil and Emma are coming back to the office, Terri runs up to Peter to beg his forgiveness for the leaking of the chain of emails.)'' :'''Terri:''' ''(to Peter)'' The primary thing I want to say, first and foremost, is that you can't blame me for this. Peter. If-If anything, it's the culture of blame that's to blame for this. :''(Peter and his team walk past Terri and, yet again, pass the carers along the way.)'' :'''Peter:''' ''(to the carers, smiling)'' Great to see you again. Such crucial work you do. ''(to Phil and Emma, angrily)'' Meeting room! :''(Team Peter finally make their way into the meeting room.)'' :'''Peter:''' ''(to Phil and Emma)'' Right, ''SIT DOWN!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''(As soon as Team Peter enters the meeting room and close the door, Peter really lays into Phil and Emma.)'' :'''Peter:''' I can't resign, and I'm not gonna resign. I had the perfect moment to resign, which was right early on, when I could have resigned in a dignified and statesman-like way, and you both advised me not to resign. So now, I can't resign. :''(Phil and Emma agree with Peter's decision not to resign.)'' :'''Peter:''' ''(still composing himself)'' What's gonna happen is this. One of you has got to go. I want both of you to give me reasons why you shouldn't resign. :'''Phil:''' ''(stunned)'' Er, because...because I'm a, a Special Advisor to a...senior cabinet minister. :'''Emma:''' ''(while Phil's talking)'' That's a job description, Philip. That's a job description. :'''Peter:''' ''(unimpressed)'' That's not a reason. That's just your job -- from which I'm asking you why you shouldn't resign. :'''Phil:''' ''(struggling)'' I know everything about you. I am a, a world expert in-in-in Peter Mannion from, uh, PIN number to inside leg measurement. I, I'm-I'm there, um, you know... :'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' What's his inside leg measurement? :'''Phil:''' ''(to Emma)'' 34. ''(to Peter)'' I've given you everything, Peter, you can't...I mean, I-I don't have anything else, that's the point. I don't, I don't have any friends, I don't have any life, I haven't had sex for five years and I don't even enjoy it, so...you know, I'm not gonna get anyone pregnant. I'm never gonna get anyone pregnant, okay? You know, I'm fucking seedless. Whereas she's just, just a fucking baby bomb, okay? :'''Emma:''' Phil, you are just a... :'''Phil:''' And she's gonna go off all over the office and-and leave you! I'm gonna be here! :''(And THEN, to make matters worse for Peter, Terri barges into the meeting room!)'' :'''Terri:''' ''(entering)'' I'm sorry, I'm sorry, but my-my good name is at stake here. :'''Peter:''' Oh, Christ... :'''Terri:''' Peter, you must understand. I am an innocent woman. I'm the DoSAC One. :'''Peter:''' ''(fed up)'' That's it! I've had enough! I've had enough of all of you! You're all shit! I'm gonna sort it out by myself! :''(Peter leaves the meeting room...but now he's trying to outrun Terri.)'' :'''Terri:''' I can't bear that you think about me like this. :'''Peter:''' Don't follow me, Terri. :'''Terri:''' Please... :'''Peter:''' Stop following me. :'''Terri:''' I insist. I insist. I insist, Peter, please... :'''Peter:''' All right, Terri! I admit it, I'm in love with you! Now fuck off back to your office and organize the wedding! <hr width="50%"/> :''(And now, Fergus and Adam are celebrating what seems to be a triumphant victory.)'' :'''Fergus:''' ''(happily)'' Mannion goes [[wikipedia:Mel Gibson|Mel Gibson]]. :'''Adam:''' ''(chuckling)'' Spot it. :''(Fergus and Adam celebrate with a fist bump.)'' :'''Fergus:''' You know, you know what you've done? :'''Adam:''' Yeah? :'''Fergus:''' You, you, you have bought a fan, you plugged it in, you turned it on, you turned the dial up to maximum. :'''Adam:''' It wasn't a weak fan, it wasn't one of those office fans. It was a Dyson. And I stood the other side of it. :'''Fergus:''' Did a liquid shit on it. :'''Adam:''' Trousers down. :'''Fergus:''' And where did the shit go? :''(Adam imitates an explosion.)'' :'''Fergus:''' All over Mannion. :''(But then, Fergus's cell phone chimes...)'' :'''Adam:''' That's just priceless. :'''Fergus:''' Fuck, hang on... :'''Adam:''' What? :'''Fergus:''' Um, check the fucking emails. :'''Adam:''' What are you talking about? :'''Fergus:''' What the fuck did you give to Glenn? :'''Adam:''' ''(checking the computer)'' Well, it was just the email, just the... :'''Fergus:''' Yeah, but it's the whole -- We're on the email. :'''Adam:''' Oh, fucking hell... :''(Fergus and Adam are now starting to panic.)'' :'''Fergus:''' Why did you, why did you leave us on the-on the dongle? :'''Adam:''' Because he's only supposed to send the fucking top part of it. :'''Fergus:''' Why did you give him the choice? :'''Adam:''' Because an email has a chain, Fergus, it has a fucking chain that goes all the way down! :'''Fergus:''' Adam, there is now shit all over me! How come there is shit on me? Thanks, Adam! :'''Adam:''' Look, it's not my fucking fault! He's supposed to redact it! :'''Fergus:''' I just wanted one solid shit to go in one direction! Not [[wikipedia:Madras_curry_sauce|Madras]] fucking everywhere! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Fergus and Adam are now going after Glenn.)'' :'''Adam:''' Hey! [[w:2000 Year Old Man|2000 Year Old Man]]! Why the FUCK did you send the whole email?! Huh?! You were supposed to redact it, send the top email, not the whole fucking exchange! JESUS CHRIST ON A CRYSTAL METH BINGE! :'''Glenn:''' Terri and I sent what you gave me. :'''Adam:''' ''(in hysterical disbelief)'' ''Terri?! Why the fuc–'' THE ONLY REASON I'D EVER ASK TERRI FOR HELP IS TO ''SHOOT'' ME IF I EVER ASKED TERRI FOR HELP! :'''Glenn:''' Same reason you gave it to me: distance! TWO PEOPLE, TWICE THE DISTANCE! :'''Fergus:''' BUT TERRI DOESN'T GIVE US ANY DISTANCE! TERRI GIVES ME A TWITCH, ''(points to his eye)'' RIGHT HERE! YEAH, LAUGH IT UP, GLENN, BUT I'VE GOT A TWITCH, ''CALLED TERRI!'' :'''Terri:''' ''(from behind a book shelf, voice cracking)'' I am actually here, you know! :'''Fergus:''' Yeah, and that, in a nutshell, is the whole fucking problem! :''(Fergus storms off, Adam follows.)'' :'''Adam:''' ''(singsong)'' Fuck you very much! ''(to the carers, who have witnessed the entire exchange)'' Five minutes, guys, yeah? :'''The Carers:''' ''(moaning)'' Thanks. :'''Terri:''' ''(quietly to Glenn)'' Glenn...what about my tea shop? :'''Glenn:''' ''(sarcastically)'' It got closed! There's been a murder! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ollie:''' An inquiry into all of leaking, all of leaking! We are so ''–'' We are so screwed! :'''Malcolm:''' He's done it. That chinless horse-fiddler. Our fuck-lustrious PM has opened Pandora's fucking Box, and curled a massive steamer right into it! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stewart:''' In the time it has taken for Terri to extract herself from her Bluetooth, this little inquiry has fused! It is now growing faster than the speed of bloody light! It's not gonna be something that we can see ''from'' space, IT'S GOING TO ''BE'' SPACE! [[w:Brian Cox (physicist)|BRIAN COX]] IS GONNA PHONE ME, AND ASK FOR THE FILM RIGHTS! :'''Peter:''' BUT WHAT LEAK, WHAT LEAK, ''WHAT FUCKING LEAK?!'' :'''Stewart:''' ANYTHING! If I find out that ''anyone'' from here has leaked ''anything'', I will make sure they have to emigrate after this to a country where they don't speak English, and there's no Internet! :'''Peter:''' But every-everyone who leaked anything, that would fill the fucking Caspian Sea, we're just a drop in the ocean here! :'''Stewart:''' No, no, no, what you are, Peter, is Leak Zero! It started here! You have presided over a shambolic showering of info! Peter Mannion, 'Singing in the Rain'! ''(mobile rings)'' Oh, Christ. ''(answers)'' Hello, Malcolm! :'''Malcolm:''' Right, was this your idea? Because I don't remember signing any suicide pact. :'''Stewart:''' Malcolm, look, I'm as shocked about this as you are. :'''Malcolm:''' Yes. You sound ''really'' shocked, you big fucking spunk lolly. :'''Stewart:''' Yeah, look, I don't even know what that is. But I, you know, I think we all need time to, to process this data, yep? :''(Fergus and Adam burst in)'' :'''Fergus:''' WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?! :'''Adam:''' ''(restraining Fergus)'' All right, Fergus. ''(calmly)'' What the fuck is going on? :'''Phil:''' [[w:Raiders of the Lost Ark|The Ark has been opened, and your face is gonna melt!]] :'''Emma:''' There's gonna be an inquiry. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' Have I just stepped through a portal into a sausage machine? Because this is making mincemeat of my head. [[wikipedia:It's the End of the World as We Know It (And I Feel Fine)|It's the end of the world as we know it]]. To paraphrase a popular fucking [[wikipedia:The Bangles|Bangles]] song. :'''Ollie:''' It was, erm...It was [[wikipedia:R.E.M.|R.E.M.]] :'''Malcolm:''' Don't start contradicting me on that kind of shit. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm is trying to talk to Ollie about the importance of leaking in the governmental system.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Leaking is a fundamental component of our governmental system! If a government can't leak, do you know what happens? Dark shit builds up, and then ''–'' it ''bursts!'' And that's something you don't want to see! You think your appendix was bad? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' This is the gift that's gonna go on giving, believe you me. So you'd better keep your head down. And I don't mean just when you're frequenting your favorite glory holes. :'''Ollie:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Yeah, well...Whereas ''your'' closet is ''completely'' free of skeletons, isn't it, Malcolm? 'Cause you've buried them in a landfill in Essex. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' When this inquiry lands, you'd better have developed a very flat, stony face with no expression. But that'll be easy for you: it's your fucking cum face, isn't it? <hr width="50%"/> :''(deleted scene)'' :''(Malcolm wants Ollie to visit Nicola at her home)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Just go and stop her doing anything mental, right? Which, given that she thought she could be Prime Minister, the parameters for mental are about as wide as your mother's legs when the fleet's in town. :'''Ollie:''' All right, if I'm doing this for you, can we have a bit more respect for my mother, please? Those sailors get lonely. :'''Malcolm:''' This is some of my best stuff, and it's being ignored. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, what does that tell you?<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Glenn:''' But I came here on my hands and knees, Malcolm, I'm supplicating here; I'm a supplicant, Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' Well, unfortunately, that ship has sailed, hit a fucking iceberg, sunk, and [[wikipedia:Julian_Fellowes|Julian Fellowes]] has written [[wikipedia:Titanic_(2012_miniseries)|a fucking shit drama]] about it. ==Series 4, Episode 6== :''(This is the opening scene of this episode. Welcome to the Goolding Inquiry.)'' :'''Lord Goolding:''' This is an inquiry into the death of Mr. Douglas Tickel. And the practice and culture of the dissemination of confidential information between political parties and the public media. Mr. Weir. :'''Simon Weir:''' Uh, thank you, Lord Goolding. Um, our first witness today is, uh, is Mr. Stewart Pearson. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Stewart Pearson is ready to testify before the Goolding Inquiry Committee. He takes the oath, but politely declines to put his hand on the Bible.)'' :'''Stewart:''' ''(to the Bible holder)'' No, that's, er, it's fine. ''(taking the oath)'' Yeah. Um, I, Stewart Pearson, do sincerely declare and affirm that the evidence I shall give will be the truth, the whole truth and, and nothing but, uh, the truth. :'''Simon Weir:''' On page, uh, 235 of your, your witness statement...uh, you describe yourself as the, the "Human Rooter" in government. Can you, uh, can you explain what you meant by that? :'''Stewart:''' Um, I'm a...a "router," in the sense that I control the governmental informational ingestion and egestion process. :'''Simon Weir:''' Uh, Mr. Pearson, just to clarify, your job is -- is to make sure that the public perception of your government's program is a positive one, is that fair? :'''Stewart:''' It's not about perception, yeah? I believe in government as a transceiver, mmm? :'''Simon Weir:''' A transceiver? :'''Stewart:''' Yeah, it's really important, yeah, sure, to give out a, uh, a strong signal, but you -- to be effective, you've got to listen for an echo. :'''Lord Goolding:''' Could you possibly speak in plain English? :'''Stewart:''' I'm sorry, I, I...I thought, I thought I was. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' So what-what is clear is that you are an important man, Mr. Pearson. :'''Stewart:''' I'm just a lad from Leeds with a lust for life, yeah? Um...there's an, uh, an African proverb that's, that's stuck with me, yeah? "If you think you're too small to make a difference, you've never spent a night with a mosquito." :'''Baroness Sureka:''' So...part of your job is to make sure that the government's message gets across clearly? Is that right? :'''Stewart:''' That's correct. And despite the sarcasm marinating in that question, I'm very successful in that endeavor. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' ''(correcting Stewart)'' No, there was no sarcasm intended at all, Mr. Pearson. :'''Stewart:''' Sorry, I must have misread your face. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Um, does your job intrude on your home life? :'''Stewart:''' No. No, when I, when I close the front door, I'm...I'm no longer Stewart Pearson. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' When you... :'''Stewart:''' I mean, I mean when I close it from the, from the inside. You know, right. When I close it from the outside, then...then I very much am Stewart Pearson. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' So who are you at home? :'''Stewart:''' Uh, I'm a husband, I'm a -- pardon me, a lover, I'm a carpenter, I'm a cook, I'm a flautist. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' A... :'''Stewart:''' A flautist. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Right. :'''Stewart:''' I play the flute. And I dabble on the Irish bodhrán. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Um, and would you like to express any, uh, remorse for Mr. Tickel's death? What would you like to say to his family? :'''Stewart:''' Uh, I would like to offer them maximum respect, you know? And maximum remorse. And maximum assurance that Mr. Tickel did not die in vain. We're here. You know? How can we make the government and the media inclusive without being intrusive? Yeah? And if we can answer that, at least we can make sure that there are no more Mr. Tickels. ''(Stewart corrects himself)'' I mean--I mean that not in the sense of, you know, wiping out the Tickel family name. I mean it in the sense that nothing like this will ever happen again. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Hello, Mr. Pearson. Tab 28 in your bundle there, page 263. ''(Both turn to that page in their folders.)'' A paper that you presented in 2006, 'The Iconography of Consensus.' Would you care to summarize the argument you present there? :'''Stewart:''' Sure, yeah, the main thrust – :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Bearing in mind Lord Goolding's desire for plainness and clarity. :'''Stewart:''' Right. Okay. I, um, hypothesise that – Sorry. I ''say'' that the design structure for a parliamentary democracy should be that of the [[wikipedia:Centre_Georges_Pompidou|Pompidou Centre]]: Morally and structurally explicit and open, a porous membrane. :'''Lord Goolding:''' Maybe just a little bit plainer, Mr. Pearson? :'''Stewart:''' People should know, er, what politicians are doing. :'''Lord Goolding:''' Brilliant. :'''Stewart:''' Thanks. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Government should be porous? :'''Stewart:''' Yes. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' But not leaking. :'''Stewart:''' Come on, if someone is determined to leak information, there's nothing that anyone can do about that. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' So as Director of Communications, you are unable to prevent sensitive material being communicated to journalists? :'''Stewart:''' If someone chokes on a packet of crisps, do you issue an arrest warrant for [[wikipedia:Gary Lineker|Gary Lineker]]? :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Well, is it fair to say that you have in fact changed nothing, and government communications carries on exactly as they did before, by leaks and whispers? :'''Stewart:''' No, it is not fair to say that. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' In fact, because you disapprove and ''condemn'' these practices, are they not more covert and more hidden and more secret than ever before? :'''Stewart:''' I think that is-is also an unreasonable assertion. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' In spite of your desire to create a political Pompidou Centre, Mr. Pearson, haven't you created the opposite, [[wikipedia:Centre_Point|Centre Point]]? I mean, everybody sees it looming over them but nobody has the faintest idea what happens in there. :'''Stewart:''' ''(calmly, but sarcastically)'' I think there's some kind of club on the top floor. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' So, Mr. Pearson, have you identified the source of the leak of Mr. Tickel's records? :'''Stewart:''' No, no. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Have you ever leaked yourself? :'''Stewart:''' No. No, I was over that pre-Britpop. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Do you have any idea where the leak might have come from? :'''Stewart:''' Well, you know, if this was ''[[CSI: Miami]]'', I guess we'd be looking for the person who'd have most to gain from the leak being made public. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Well, despite your shirt, this isn't ''CSI: Miami''. Who do you think would benefit most from the leak? :'''Stewart:''' Well, I guess I'd be sending [[wikipedia:David_Caruso|David Caruso]] knocking on the door of Mr. Malcolm Tucker. <hr width="50%"/> :''(And now, Malcolm Tucker takes his turn with the Goolding Inquiry.)'' :'''Lord Goolding:''' Can I ask you, "How would you describe yourself?" :'''Malcolm:''' Uh, I'm, uh, a media strategist. :'''Lord Goolding:''' So you would be Stewart Pearson's opposite number? :'''Malcolm:''' Well, uh, I'd be Stewart Pearson's opposite in every possible way, I think. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' You have a lot of control and power over your party, don't you? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(laughs slightly)'' I wish, yes. Uh, no. I think that that's been overstated. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' So this reputation you have as an enforcer, that's completely misrepresenting you, is it? :'''Malcolm:''' It's baloney. Politicians who have to do things that they don't want to do, such as resign, uh...Because they've been caught with their fingers in the till, or, you know, with their knickers up a flagpole or whatever, they sometimes...It's very convenient for them to have a boogeyman. "Malcolm made me do it." Well, I didn't make them do it. These are people who just find themselves stuck in a room with one exit and I simply show them the door. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' I've highlighted some quotes: The ''Guardian'': 'Malcolm Tucker has the physical demeanour and the political instincts of a ''Velociraptor''.<nowiki/>' :'''Malcolm:''' Yes, the ''Guardian'', the newspaper that hates newspapers. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' ''Telegraph''. :'''Malcolm:''' The ''Telegr-arse''. :'''Baroness Sureka'''<nowiki/>''':''' 'Tucker's writ runs through the lifeblood of Westminster like ''r''<nowiki/>''aw alcohol'', at once cleansing and<nowiki/> corroding.' The ''Times'': 'If you<nowiki/> make eye contact with Malcolm Tucker, you have spilled his pint.' The ''Spectator'': '[[wikipedia:Iago|Iago]] with a BlackBerry'; I mean, you're saying these quotes are, what, misguided? :'''Malcolm:''' The ''Spect-hater''. Erm, no, I'm saying that you are not – you're taking these out of context, you're not contextualising these. If you were to<nowiki/> put them into a perspective, if you were to place them into the landscape, you would see that there might be a lot of axes being ground here. I don't see the difference between what you have just done and a leak, by the way. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Well, the difference is that what I've just read out was not obtained illegally. :'''Malcolm:''' How do you know that? You don't know <nowiki/>what confidences have been breached in order to form these ''opinions'', for that is what they are. :'''Ba'''<nowiki/>'''roness Sureka:''' So you accept leaking as part and parcel of the political media machinery? :'''Malcolm:''' Yes, I mean, if you didn't have leaking, the newspapers would just be full of long-lens bikini shots and adverts for sheds and offers to buy three pairs of trousers for a tenner, et cetera, it's just – it's the way it is. Big deal, no one dies. :'''Lord Goolding:''' One person ''did'' die, Mr. Tucker. :''(Malcolm simply gives a "so be it" look.)'' :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Would you tell us how it works? :'''Malcolm:''' You know, you do me a favor, I do you a favor, yeah? :'''Lord Goolding:''' And what might you expect in return? :'''Malcolm:''' Anything. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' What? :'''Malcolm:''' Well, a [[wikipedia:Kit Kat|Kit Kat]], you might get -- I've had a Kit Kat. I've had a, uh, a big meal. :'''Simon Weir:''' Well, I mean, could you give us an example of what you mean? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(going through his notes)'' Um...Well, yes. I...This is the ''Daily Mirror.'' And I could get drummed out of the Magic Circle for showing you this. Anyway, this is the ''Daily Mirror'' about the "Quiet Batpeople", uh, policy of, uh, Mrs. Nicola Murray. ''(Malcolm shows the inquiry committee a picture of the "Quiet Batpeople" headline.)'' I was there that day. You can't see me, because I've been cropped out here. But this information here, I made sure that those notes were in that place, that they were available, and that the picture editor, uh, knew where to find them. :'''Simon Weir:''' Sorry, I'm just trying to...trying to get this clear. Was Mrs. Murray not the subject of huge derision as a result of this? :'''Malcolm:''' Uh, no, she was a subject of huge derision before this. :''(Chuckles emanate from the gallery.)'' :'''Simon Weir:''' You were trying to undermine the leader of your party? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(putting away the picture)'' I was... :'''Simon Weir:''' Would you, would you say you were a loyal man, Mr. Tucker? :'''Malcolm:''' I'm loyal, yes. I'm loyal to my party. And, uh, I feel that Mrs. Murray's policies were turning the party into -- I don't know if you've seen those calendars that have got pictures of dogs that are dressed up, and they've got little dresses and hats on. She was turning my party into that, she was humiliating my party. So I thought it was absolutely vital to focus the public's attention onto that. :'''Simon Weir:''' And yet you maintain that you had great -- I don't know, what, respect for Mrs. Murray as a person. :'''Malcolm:''' Yes, she was a great laugh occasionally, great dancer, she's got terrific hair. She did a good job at DoSAC. A much better job than her successor, who, let's not forget, was playing on a slide when the news of Mr. Tickle's... :'''Simon Weir:''' Yeah, thank you. :'''Malcolm:''' ...death came out. :'''Simon Weir:''' Mr. Tucker, we're well-versed in the events surrounding the... :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. :'''Simon Weir:''' ...the death of Mr. Tickel. ''(beat)'' So, tell me, the PFI email that, uh, led to the, to the resignation of Nicola Murray. Did you, did you engineer that? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(takes a long pause...)'' No. No. ''(beat)'' No I didn't. :'''Simon Weir:''' And, uh, the leaking of Mr. Tickel's health records? Do I mean, do I detect your hand in-in that, for instance? :'''Malcolm:''' No no no no. Look, politics is a war. And politicians, sometimes they lose idealogical limbs, right? They get media shrapnel right in the face. Sometimes they get a bullet right in the brain. Civilians, no. There is no way that I would ever attack a civilian, a real person, and especially not somebody with a history of mental illness. Because ''that'' sort of thing -- makes me queasy. :'''Simon Weir:''' So you're a "ethical" leaker, if you will? :'''Malcolm:''' I use leaking to show up corruption, to show up hypocrisy, to show up idiocy, and also the fourth horseman of the political apocalypse, duplicity. For instance: Fergus Williams. He's coming up next, right? :'''Simon Weir:''' Mmm-hmm. :'''Malcolm:''' This is a guy, he's a member of the junior party in this coalition, right? This guy has already opened a private channel to Dan Miller, the Leader of the Opposition. In order to talk about possibly setting up a coalition with him, because he knows very well that this coalition government that he is lumbered with is being torn to pieces like a bread stick at a picnic. :'''Lord Goolding:''' ''(very upset)'' Mr. Tucker, you have just used this inquiry to commit a leak in front of us! :'''Malcolm:''' I have not committed a leak. Everybody in Westminster knows that these talks have taken place, everyone. You're supposed to be investigating this. You're supposed to be discovering this stuff. Now you cannot not know what I or anyone else tell you, right, you can't not know that. You cannot not know what you now know. :'''Lord Goolding:''' Mr. Tucker, are you familiar with the rules of association football? :'''Malcolm:''' Well, I understand that if you're gonna have an affair, you'd better take precautions, like getting a superinjuction. :'''Lord Goolding:''' ''(sternly)'' I ask you, because this is me giving you a yellow card. You are not to use this inquiry to score political points. :'''Malcolm:''' Sorry, I'm, I apologize. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Fergus Williams takes his turn giving testimony in front of the inquiry.)'' :'''Matthew Hodge:''' ''(to Fergus)'' Did you see Mr. Malcolm Tucker's evidence earlier? :'''Fergus:''' Uh, yeah, I-Uh, uh, I saw it out of the, out of the corner of my eye. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Would you like me to read what he said about you? :'''Fergus:''' Uh, no, that's fine, that was the bit that I saw. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Embarrassing, I imagine? :'''Fergus:''' ''(emabarrassed, but gathering himself)'' Uh, no, not at all. It was, um, almost, uh, flattering, yeah...uh, to get, uh, to get "Tuckered." It's a, it's a rite of passage in-in-in, in politics. Happens to all of us. It's, you know, it's like when you're in a Russian jail, you get your face tattooed. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Mr. Tucker mentioned meetings between you and the Leader of the Opposition. Did these take place? :'''Fergus:''' ''(after a pause)'' They did, yes. Er, myself and, uh, Adam were part of a team who had very general, noncommittal discussions with, amongst others, Mr. Miller. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' And you discussed a potential future coalition with his party and the removal of your own party leader, is that correct? :'''Fergus:''' ''(taken aback)'' Sorry, could I possibly answer that question with another question? I mean, not that question I'm just asking, but a further question? :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Go on. :'''Fergus:''' You do realise that ''you're'' being spun here, you do see that? :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Spun? :'''Fergus:''' 'Cause, you know, Malcolm Tucker's not your common or garden spin doctor, right? No, he's the-he's...he's the chief medical officer of spin – he is Spinoza, you see? So he, he didn't come here in order to answer your questions, he came here in order to get ''you'' to then ask ''his'' questions. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Yeah, right, Mr. Williams, I don't want you to answer a question with another question, I want you to answer it with an answer. :'''Fergus:''' I mean, he's conducting you like, um – Goldie. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Did you talk to Mr. Miller about removing your party leader? :'''Fergus:''' ''(in disbelief)'' Sorry, are you getting Tucker's questions sort of beamed straight into your brain? :'''Lord Goolding:''' ''(firmly)'' Mr. Williams. :''(A short time later...)'' :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Finally, um, on the subject of frustration, would you say it's difficult to steer policy ideas through your department? :'''Fergus:''' ''(stumbling in his testimony)'' Uh, yes, there are, uh...blockages. Uh, there is one person in particular and, well, you know, I don't want to identify her -- or him, if she was a man. Uh, but this particular person, uh, is rather inept and has hampered a lot of our initiatives. And she, or her, or him is, um...very difficult to remove. And so she's a, he is a...they are a stubborn blockage, shall we say, like, you know, when you get hair and soap in a-in a-in a plughole with skin flakes. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' ''(reassuring)'' Thank you. Thank you, Mr. Williams. That's, that's fine. :'''Fergus:''' Sorry, can I just say... :'''Lord Goolding:''' We are very pressed for time, I'm afraid. :'''Fergus:''' Yeah, but I really didn't want the last thing I said... :'''Lord Goolding:''' I'm sorry. :'''Fergus:''' ...to be "skin flakes." :'''Lord Goolding:''' Thank you. <hr width="50%"/> :''(And now, Peter Mannion is discussing Douglas Tickel with the Goolding Inquiry.)'' :'''Simon Weir:''' Uh, when did you first become aware of, uh, Mr. Tickel? :'''Peter:''' When he became the only, um, key worker to refuse our offer of alternative accommodation. Uh, then he sort of dropped off my radar. The next thing I knew he was sewing badges on his tent, and, uh, shouting abuse through a loud hailer. :'''Simon Weir:''' Did you ever feel yourself to be culpable in any way for his, for his homelessness? :'''Peter:''' Look, he-he was homeless only in the sense that he had no home, erm – ''(There are chuckles from the gallery. Peter briefly turns round to them.)'' No, no, a [[wikipedia:Housing_association|Housing Association]] flat was found, which he-he declined. The ''policy'' didn't make him homeless. :'''Lord Goolding:''' The policy of selling off the block of flats where he lived. :'''Peter:''' He made a positive decision to be homeless. It's the difference between being punched in the face and punching yourself in the face. :'''Simon Weir:''' Erm – Why do you think, to use your phrase, he, uh, he punched himself in the face? :'''Peter:''' ''(stammering)'' Why? Well, because he was mentally, er – because he, he, he had, er, mental issues. :'''Simon Weir:''' The email leaked to ''The Guardian,'' uh, which you'll find on pages, uh, 276 to 277 in the-in the evidence...uh, one of your advisers describes Mr. Tickel as, um, "fucking [[wikipedia:Florence Nightingale|Florence Shiteingale]]." Do you not feel that's, uh, a little callous? :'''Peter:''' (dismissively)'' This is-this is, er, rough-and-tumble office banter, er, schoolboy showers stuff. And-and-and schoolgirl showers. Not that -- I mean, not-not literally, but... :''(A few moments later...)'' :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Are you familiar with the phrase "data smuggling"? :'''Peter:''' Data what? :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Um, passing on data from a closed system to an unauthorised source in exchange for money. :'''Peter:''' Oh, yes, right. I see, well it seems everyone's at it. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Are you at it, Mr. Mannion? :'''Peter:''' ''(scoffing)'' No, I'm-I'm-I'm not very good with technology. Uh, the Paper Mate pen is still cutting edge technology as far as I'm concerned. Writes upside-down, you know. :''(Matthew Hodge wants to discuss Douglas Tickel's death with Peter.)'' :'''Matthew Hodge:''' You've told the inquiry that you didn't feel, uh, at all guilty over Mr. Tickel's death. :'''Peter:''' ''(getting defensive)'' Well, I-I-I felt ''bad.'' But-but not ''guilty.'' I-I didn't kill him. I-I've never killed anyone. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Well, no. I mean, noted, but I mean, do you think you could have made a difference, uh, if you had been contactable that day? :'''Peter:''' Why? He wasn't trying to call ''me'', I mean, I-I'm not the [[wikipedia:Samaritans_(charity)|Samaritans]]. In fact, um, uh, apparently, tonally, I-I have a very depressing voice. :''(But WAIT, Peter -- there's more questions!)'' :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Mr. Mannion, do you know Mr. Alistair Leyton, a senior executive at ''The Times''? :'''Peter:''' Yes. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Did you ring Mr. Leyton on the 25th of April to tell him that Mr. Tickel's medical records had been unlawfully obtained, and that this might form the basis of an explosive news story? :'''Peter:''' Did I, uh, ring him on that day, do you mean? I -- Well, I-I can't remember. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Well, did you ring him on any day telling him? :'''Peter:''' ''(trying to assert himself)'' Look, I came into politics to make a difference, to-to ''dare'', to-to get things done, not-not to ''leak'' things, or-or, or ''spin'' or, or ''blag'' or-or...''smuggle'', but-but to ''serve'' with honest, hard work, to ''do''. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' And did you do something? Did you contact your friend at ''The Times''? :'''Peter:''' No, I-I-I didn't do that. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Simon Weir:''' Perhaps we could start by just giving us an idea of what a special adviser does? :'''Emma:''' Erm, er, well, technically, essentially, we just advise a minister. Erm, sort of, media strategies, political strategies, that sort of thing. :'''Simon Weir:''' But you're not permanent members of the Civil Service? :'''Phil:''' Er, no, they're like the, er, the worker ants. We're more like, er – well, not the queens, that would be Peter Mannion and, to a lesser extent, Fergus Williams – we're more like the soldier ants that defend the queens. :'''Simon Weir:''' Would you like to add anything, Mr. Kenyon? :'''Adam:''' Yes, I'm not sure that the ant analogy helps, at all. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Mr. Smith, how would you characterise your relationship with Mr. Kenyon? :'''Phil:''' Well, I think, when you get two silverbacks like Adam and I in a room, there's always going to be a certain amount of chest-beating, but, erm, there's a mutual respect. :''(During Phil's answer, Adam embarrassingly puts his head in his hand.)'' :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Would you agree, Mr. Kenyon? :'''Adam:''' Yes. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Baroness Sureka:''' You yourselves were subject to a leak, weren't you, in the ''Guardian''? How did you feel about the email containing your thoughts about Mr. Tickel's death? :'''Adam:''' Erm, it was shameful, and it was insensitive – :'''Emma:''' Absolutely. :'''Adam:''' – and we would like to apologise for that. It's dreadful. :'''Emma:''' I agree, ''(points to Adam and Phil)'' I mean, their comments were absolutely... unforgivable, mortifying. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' ''(reading)'' 'How many Mr. Tickles does it take to [[wikipedia:Lightbulb_joke|change a light bulb]]? He doesn't have a light bulb, he's in a tent.' 'How do you turn Mr. Tickle into Mr. Happy? [[wikipedia:Lithium_(medication)|Lithium]].' 'What's the difference between Mr. Tickle and [[wikipedia:Lawrence_Oates|Captain Oates]]? Captain Oates has a less stupid name.' Erm, and one I feel that is particularly cruel, Miss Messinger, given Mr. Tickel's mental health issues: 'The fucker's a nutbag'. :'''Emma:''' I'm sor-– It-– That is not okay. Sorry. :'''Phil:''' If I could add a ''mea culpa'' here rather than dancing around it? Others may choose to attempt to wriggle off the hook of shame, but, um, I cannot, I cannot deny that my name is on those emails, and yet I do not recognise that man. It is me, and yet, it is another, and for that I am truly sorry. This has been a humbling moment in my quest to become the man I know I can be. <hr width="50%" /> :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Very good to see you this morning, Infamous Terri Coverley. ''(Terri laughs.)'' Why are you smiling? :'''Terri:''' I'm not smiling. Or rather, I'm smiling, but it's something I do when I'm nervous, erm – :'''Matthew Hodge:''' You have a guilty conscience? :'''Terri:''' No no, no no. No, I don't have a guilty conscience but I do have a guilty face, erm – I do blush a lot and that's a circulation thing, not a moral thing, though I do ''act'' guilty, erm – When I was a child, erm, my brother's hamster was put into a remote control aeroplane, tragic consequences, and, erm, unfortunately I was blamed for that, although I had nothing to do with it, it was that I just looked guilty, so I would ask you to bear that in mind. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Can you explain to us how communications works in government? :'''Terri:''' Well, erm, I use an analogy. Erm, I like to think that dealing with the press is not so much herding ''cats'', it's more herding sheep, and I am the shepherdess, erm, if you like, it's – In order to be an efficient shepherdess, one needs a number of things, I mean – Firstly, one needs a whistle. That's my voice. Secondly, one needs a coat, and that's my coat. And thirdly, one needs a dog, and that in my case is a lady called Robyn.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Simon Weir:''' Would you say that there is a culture of bullying within DoSAC? If I could ask you first, Ms Murdoch. :'''Robyn:''' Erm, I'd say there was a culture of bullying ''me'' at DoSAC. :'''Simon Weir:''' You've experienced bullying there? :'''Robyn:''' Well, you know, I see them all standing around, you know, chattering like squirrels on Red Bull, and when I ask them what they're talking about, they usually bark a tea order at me; or, you know, or call me, er, the blonde bombshite, if I can use that word, or some other horrible sweary thing. :'''Simon Weir:''' That's the form the bullying takes? :'''Robyn:''' And if you refuse to make your boss's tea, you know, they call you [[wikipedia:Mariella_Frostrup|Mariella Shitstrop]]. Or [[wikipedia:Nancy_Sinatra|Flouncy Sinatra]], which doesn't even really work! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Ollie Reeder is ready to deliver his testimony in the inquiry, but first, Lord Goolding makes an important announcement.)'' :'''Lord Goolding:''' As you can see, Baroness Sureka is not with us and will remain absent while she deals with the personal allegations published in ''The Sunday Times.'' This in no way invalidates this inquiry, nor does it compromise the integrity of any questioning conducted by Baroness Sureka. Mr. Hodge. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Thank you. ''(to Ollie)'' Uh, Oliver Reeder, you were a senior adviser to Nicola Murray during her time as Secretary of State at DoSAC. :'''Ollie:''' Yup. I was, uh, ''the'' senior adviser. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Very good, and when Ms. Murray became Leader of the Opposition, uh, you were also one of her senior advisers? :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, again, ''the,'' the senior adviser, yeah. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' I see, and now you're a senior adviser to Mr. Dan Miller? :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, yeah, a slightly less pivotal role with, with Dan, but part of this, kind of, a larger pivot, really. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Mmm-hmm, thank you. Uh, Mr. Reeder, they say that in politics, knowledge is power. :'''Ollie:''' True, yes. Although that doesn't mean that Carol Vorderman should be, uh, Prime Minister. Er...Or I should've, or maybe I should say Stephen Fry, 'cause Carol's just maths, but yeah. :'''Simon Weir:''' You've known, um, Malcolm Tucker for, for, for some years now. :'''Ollie:''' Yes I have, yes. :'''Simon Weir:''' He seems like, uh, an intimidating person. Is he? :'''Ollie:''' Uh, well, I mean, not, not to me. :'''Simon Weir:''' No? :'''Ollie:''' No. Uh, no. Uh, no, although he doesn't, he doesn't suffer fools gladly, I think that's fair to say. Or clever people, to be honest. :'''Simon Weir:''' So he's never, uh, bullied you? :'''Ollie:''' ''(smiling)'' Well, do I-do I look like I could be bullied by Mr. Tucker? I...No. :'''Simon Weir:''' Could you turn to Tab 9? You'll find it in your, in your folder there. Yeah. Um, we have some, uh, some quotes here: Some, uh, evidence of-from several civil servants who all independently suggest that, uh, Mr. Tucker, in fact, regularly ''did'' bully you. 'Mr. Tucker threatened to remove Mr. Reeder's appendix, throw away Mr. Reeder, and appoint the useless flap of colon as special adviser.' :'''Ollie:''' Yeah. Well that's – yes. ''(laughs)'' That's banter. :'''Simon Weir:''' 'Mr. Tucker told Mr. Reeder that he would have him smothered, eviscerated, stuffed, ''(Ollie laughs)'' fitted with wheels, and donated to an orphanage.' :'''Ollie:''' That's, what – 'Cause this is out of context, what you don't have there is my reply. And so, you know, it's just him. :'''Simon Weir:''' And what was that? :'''Ollie:''' Er – Well, I don't remember what it was on this occasion, but it would have been a, you know, it would have been a zinger, because I gave as good as I got, so... :'''Simon Weir:''' Very good. :'''Ollie:''' So it's not bullying. :'''Simon Weir:''' Is there anything about the leaking of the so-called, uh, PFI email that you feel that this inquiry should, should be aware of? :'''Ollie:''' Oh God, um...I mean, I'm...I mean, to be brutally frank, I'm struggling to remember here, but... :'''Simon Weir:''' Well, please take your time. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, of course. :'''Simon Weir:''' There's no hurry. :'''Ollie:''' Of course, yeah. I mean, I think, you know, what you have to remember in this instance is that on the day that all of that stuff took place, um, I was in hospital. So I'm, you know, I was cut off, essentially. I didn't have a phone... :'''Simon Weir:''' I mean, I hadn't mentioned, uh, the use of a phone, I mean... :'''Ollie:''' Yes, no, I know. I'm simply saying I was... :'''Simon Weir:''' You weren't working remotely from the hospital? :'''Ollie:''' ''(stammering)'' No, no, not remotely. Um, uh...In-in-in either sense. No. :'''Simon Weir:''' Did you have any visitors? :'''Ollie:''' Erm... :'''Simon Weir:''' You must be able to remember that. :''(Ollie's still drawing a blank.)'' :'''Lord Goolding:''' Well, if you're not completely sure, Mr. Reeder, we can always check with the visitors' records. :'''Ollie:''' Well, don't -- let's not do that, um, let's not do that for the moment. Let me just...just give-bear with me. Er...but I...did, yes. I think I was visited by, um, by colleagues from the office. :'''Lord Goolding:''' Can you give us a name? :'''Ollie:''' Um...Uh, Malcolm is a name, is, um...is his name. Malcolm's name. Malcolm. Malcolm Tucker visited me. :'''Simon Weir:''' Um, I'm assuming this wasn't a social visit. What did, uh...What did he want? What did Mr. Tucker want? :'''Ollie:''' ''(getting anxious again)'' He wanted to...Wait, okay...I mean, I'm really-I'm -- I'm anxious, I'm keen, I'm trying my best to answer your, uh, questions truthfully, but... :'''Simon Weir:''' I should remind you you are under oath, Mr. -- :'''Ollie:''' Absolutely, yes, I'm under oath, so this is...But, but...uh, what you have to understand is everybody has something on everyone here, right? So in this circumstance, if you inadvertently say or do something, um, uh, you know, that you shouldn't, then that's it. That's it, that's it. It's done. Your career is done. You know, look what happened to, um, a member of this inquiry, right? So you have to... :'''Lord Goolding:''' Mr. Reeder, this is not the place to discuss those allegations. :'''Ollie:''' No, of course, of course. :'''Simon Weir:''' Mr. Reeder, if you feel -- You feel under pressure, am I right? Is that because of something that you know? :'''Ollie:''' ''(still stammering)'' Yes. Well, no. Uh -- General pressure, I feel under a sort of -- Just that, it's the jitters of work. :'''Lord Goolding:''' Who leaked the email, Mr. Reeder? :'''Ollie:''' Glenn Cullen. Er, he was in DoSAC at the time and he, uh, still had access to the email and he hated his life. And he, he, you know, he hated Nicola Murray because she'd previously destroyed his chances of standing as an MP. :'''Lord Goolding:''' Most helpful, Glenn Cullen is our next witness. Most interesting, thank you. :'''Ollie:''' Oh, well, okay. :'''Lord Goolding:''' That's fine, thank you. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Baroness Sureka has successfully returned to the inquiry, and Glenn Cullen is ready to give his testimony.)'' :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Mr. Cullen. I wonder if I could start by taking you back to that time two years ago, you left Nicola Murray and you went to work for Fergus Williams. :'''Glenn:''' Yes, yes I did, that's right. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' And then you found yourself, um, in a coalition with the very party that you opposed. That must have been extremely distressing. :'''Glenn:''' Uh, no, not at all, as a matter of fact. I-I was very invigorated by the idea of, uh, trying to forge a new way in politics. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Mmm-hmm, so all was rosy? :'''Glenn:''' Well, um -- I can't think of any negatives. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' No friction? :'''Glenn:''' No, the only "F" word was "Fun." :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Thank you, Mr. Cullen. Thank you. :'''Simon Weir:''' Uh, Mr. Cullen, would you say there's a culture of leaking in the government? :'''Glenn:''' Yes, I would. Yes, leaking and lying. :'''Simon Weir:''' To your knowledge, have any of your colleagues lied to this inquiry? :'''Glenn:''' Well, I mean, that's a bit like asking, you know, um -- "Does a cow drink milk?" :'''Simon Weir:''' Does it? :'''Glenn:''' Probably. But what I meant to say was, yes, um, my colleagues lie constantly. It's a...professional necessity. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Have you ever leaked, Mr. Cullen? :'''Glenn:''' First of all, may I just say, uh, welcome back, Baroness Sureka. Big hugs. I'm sure I speak for everyone here when I say that we're all thinking of you... :'''Baroness Sureka:''' I'd rather you, um, swapped the ham-fisted flattery for actually answering my question, which was, "Have you ever leaked?" :'''Glenn:''' Right. No, it's a very simple question and it's got a very simple answer. No, I haven't. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Um, you'll be aware of Ollie Reeder's testimony to the inquiry where he said that, uh, you were, in fact, responsible for the PFI leak. :'''Glenn:''' Yes I am. ''(Glenn quickly corrects himself.)'' By which I mean to say I am aware of, of that. But gosh, you've got to be careful what you say here, haven't you? :'''Matthew Hodge:''' You most certainly do, Mr. Cullen. Let's hope we're both up to it. Is there any truth at all to Mr. Reeder's accusations? :'''Glenn:''' Absolutely none whatsoever. He's talking out of hi -- Out of his other cheeks, if you... :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Why would Oliver Reeder suggest that you were behind the PFI email leak, then? :'''Glenn:''' I've absolutely no idea. It's very difficult for me to get into the mindset of somebody so entirely self-serving and, um...spiritually ugly. I mean, anyone who's been unfortunate enough to have come across Ollie Reeder will know that he is a genuinely...atrocious person. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Do you believe Mr. Reeder was trying to cover himself, in that case? :'''Glenn:''' Well, I do believe he has the emotional tools for the task. Yes, certainly. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Do you believe that Ollie Reeder was behind the leak? :'''Glenn:''' ''(after a long pause...)'' No. You see...a-a leak of this magnitude would require one essential item that Ollie lacks. And that's a spine. He is a man without a spine. He is a man-worm. He's a writhing mollusk without any strategies or convictions. He-he simply slimes his way into the nearest crack every night, and I would like to put on record that I apologize to this committee for being the man who brought him into the world of politics. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lord Goolding:''' Thank you for returning to this inquiry, Mr. Tucker. :'''Malcolm:''' That's no problem. I had a hair appointment, but I think they can fit me in next week. :'''Lord Goolding:''' There's no need to be so flippant about this inquiry. :'''Malcolm:''' Well, it's just, you know, you keep asking me the same questions, I can't really help it if you don't like the answers. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Maybe you can try a little harder in answering. I'm amazed you stayed at the top of politics for quite so long with such apparently poor powers of recall. :'''Malcolm:''' Well, maybe it's my age – it's good to see you back, by the way. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Thank you, nice to see you too. :'''Lord Goolding:''' At your last appearance at this inquiry, you admitted that you have leaked, is that correct? :'''Malcolm:''' Well, everyone leaks: many many people who have appeared here in front of you have leaked, but they've just lied about it to you. :'''Simon Weir:''' Mr. Tucker, that's an incredibly serious charge; do you have any evidence to substantiate that allegation? :'''Malcolm:''' Will you forgive me if I don't do your job for you? Because if you can't spot a sprayed-on halo of someone doing a "what, me guv?" panto act, then maybe you shouldn't be sitting behind that desk. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' At your last appearance we asked you very specifically how you came by Mr. Tickel's NHS number and National Insurance number, and you could not recall. Have you had any more time to think about it? :'''Malcolm:''' Yes, I have. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' And could you tell us any more? :'''Malcolm:''' No. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' You've got no recollection at all? :'''Malcolm:''' No. And by the way, you should not be talking to me about this because you've been a victim of leaking, a very unfortunate victim, and I have every sympathy with you, but how can you possibly give me a fair hearing when you've been a victim of the very crime that you are accusing me of? You are prejudiced; this entire inquiry, therefore, is prejudiced. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' I can see what you're doing, it smacks of desperation and it will not work. :'''Malcolm:''' Does it? No, listen, there you go again, see, that's you, you're just rushing to judgement. You are totally discredited here. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' I am obliged to remind you, Mr. Tucker, that you are under oath, and if you lie to this inquiry, it may result in a criminal prosecution. :'''Malcolm:''' Sorry, please don't insult my intelligence by acting as if you're all so naive that you don't know how this all works. Everybody in this room has bent the rules to get in here, because you don't get in this room without bending the rules. You don't get to where ''you'' are without bending the rules, that's the way it is. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Mr. Tucker, I am going to give you one more chance to respond to my question. How did you acquire Mr. Tickel's NHS number and his National Insurance number? :'''Malcolm:''' Who said I acquired it? :'''Baroness Sureka:''' A photograph. :'''Malcolm:''' No no, the photograph shows me holding it. It doesn't show me acquiring it. You'd have to ask the person that gave me the folder. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Who gave you the folder? :'''Malcolm:''' I don't remember. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' You are being deliberately evasive. :'''Malcolm:''' ... I – I don't recall, you know, I don't know, I can't remember. :'''Lord Goolding:''' Very well. Regardless of how you came by Mr. Tickel's mental health records, did you then leak them to the media? :'''Malcolm:''' I can't recall. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' So that's not a denial? :'''Malcolm:''' ''Je ne remember rien.'' :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Well, if you can't recall, it leaves open the possibility that you did leak them. :'''Malcolm:''' Let me tell you this. The whole planet's leaking, everybody is leaking! You know? Everyone's spewing up their guts onto the internet, putting up their relationship status and photos of their [[wikipedia:Vajazzle|vajazzles]]! We've come to a point where there are people, ''millions'' of people, who are quite happy to trade a kidney in order to go on television! And to show people their knickers, to show people their skid marks, and then complain to ''[[wikipedia:OK!|OK!]]'' magazine about a breach of privacy! The exchange of private information – that is what drives our economy. But, you come after me because you can't arrest a landmass, can you? You can't cuff a country. You might as well just go and – you can't lynch that guy there, can you? But you decide that you can sit there, you can judge and you can ogle me like a [[wikipedia:Page_3|Page 3]] girl. You don't like it? Well, you don't like yourself. You don't like your species, and you know what? Neither do I, but how ''dare'' you come and lay this at my door! How ''dare'' you blame ME -- for THIS! Which is the result of a political class, which has given up on morality and simply pursues popularity at all costs. I am you and you are me. :'''Lord Goolding:''' Are you finished? :'''Malcolm:''' Ah, I'm finished anyway. You didn't finish me. :'''Lord Goolding:''' Would you like to stand down? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(getting up and walking out)'' Thanks, m'Lord.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Simon Weir:''' Although you did previously describe yourself as a shepherdess. ''(Robyn laughs)'' Now, did you have something to add to that? :'''Robyn:''' I just – Shepherdess, did she say – ''(to Terri)'' Did you say shepherdess? :'''Terri:''' Yes, I was giving an analogy – I mean, to be fair, erm, perhaps it would have been more accurate for me to describe myself as a sheep in shepherdess's clothing. Do you follow? :'''Simon Weir:''' Er, no, not completely, no. :'''Robyn:''' The shepherdess analogy's floored him.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Your own privacy is important to you. :'''Stewart:''' Yeah, absolutely, I have a meditation room at home. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Well, you know, I think we all have one of those at home. :''(all chuckle)'' :'''Stewart:''' Oh, right, er – do you mean a toilet? Yeah, 'cause I'm talking about a dedicated meditation room. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' I see. :'''Stewart:''' Although it did actually use to be a toilet, it made it easier to plumb in the waterfall.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Matthew Hodge:''' In less figurative terms, what is the nature of your job? :'''Terri:''' Well, I don't like to toot my own trumpet, as they say, but I like to think of myself as God: erm, I fashion DoSAC in mine own image, er, to quote the Bible. ''(looks for the Bible on her desk)'' Erm, that's in the Bible, isn't it? :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Sorry, what exactly do you mean? :'''Lord Goolding:''' I'm not sure I follow you. :'''Terri:''' Oh, well I'm – Sorry. Erm, I'm a translator. Um, I translate, from the outside world, things that come into the department, and vice versa. :'''Lord Goolding:''' So are you saying you change what you hear? You manipulate? :'''Terri:''' No no no, it's a bit, erm – ''[[wikipedia:Songs_of_Praise|Songs of Praise]]''. There's a deaf and dumb lady doing deaf and dumb language. :'''Lord Goolding:''' Sign language? :'''Terri:''' Yes, well it's like that, I take the ugly words, and I translate them, as it were, into a beautiful gesture. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' If I'm to understand you correctly, you stop information going to and from your department, and you change what that information is. :'''Terri:''' No no no, I ''didn't'', I didn't say that – :'''Matthew Hodge:''' No, on the contrary, you ''did'' say that. :'''Terri:''' No, er –<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Lord Goolding:''' You can understand how suspicion might fall upon you, given your antipathy to Mrs. Murray as a leader. :'''Malcolm:''' Nicola's real name is 'If Wet Nicola Murray'; if she worked for the West End, her name would always be preceded by the words, 'Tonight the role of Mary Poppins will be taken by' Nicola Murray. Because she's basically an understudy who got lucky, she got on, she got to play the lead. But she wet herself, she was too frightened, and she went home crying, you know; it happens. ==Series 4, Episode 7== :''(In this scene, the phone in Peter's office keeps running, and he keeps picking up the phone -- only to hang up without really answering. While he's doing this, Phil enters Peter's office.)'' :'''Peter:''' Look, Phil. Every petty criminal in the country is in a holding pattern, because that barrel of cocks at the Home Office can't process their arrests quick enough. ''(Peter disconnects his phone.)'' So why am I the one who has to gimp himself out all day to Martha Kearney and Eddie Mair? :'''Phil:''' Because since the inquiry, DoSAC looks toxic and weak, and they're just trying to pile all the government's ills on top of us. :'''Peter:''' Who's fault's that, Phil? :'''Phil:''' I've said I'm sorry about the inquiry, okay? I started writing you a letter but it just seemed pretentious. Look, if it's any consolation, I haven't felt that humiliated since my trunks fell down at the school [[wikipedia:Swimming_gala|swimming gala]]. :'''Peter:''' It's of absolutely no consolation to think of you naked in front of 500 boys. :'''Emma:''' ''(walking in, on her phone)'' Yeah, absolutely, Trevor. OK, yeah, drinks soon. Yeah, you too. OK, bye. ''(hangs up)'' Oh, God! I just felt my ovaries cringe. I'm trying to flirt our way out of this police backlog.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Phil:''' I thought we weren't talking to [[wikipedia:The_Proclaimers|The Proclaimers]]. :'''Peter:''' We have to play happy families for Mary, pretend I don't actually want to strangle Fergus's bollocks so they look like glacé cherries. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Emma:''' You are telling me that you have been running parts of this country, Terri. What the fuck are you trying to do, [[wikipedia:2012_phenomenon|prove the Mayans right]]? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' Meanwhile, an unarrested feral underclass has gone [[wikipedia:Mad_Max_(franchise)|Mad Max]], and police station waiting rooms are heaving like the hedgehog carvery at a gypsy wedding.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Stewart:''' Ah, Peter. This ''[[Wars of the Roses|War of the Roses]]'' with the Home Office? It ends now. We want a united realm. There's no vision in division. :'''Peter:''' Well, yes there is; ''(looks to Fergus's office)'' anyway, tell [[wikipedia:Perkin_Warbeck|Perkin Warbeck]] over there. :'''Stewart:''' OK people, could we briefly form a coherent group? :'''Terri:''' Mary Drake is in the building, she's on her way up. :'''Stewart:''' OK...Shields up, guys; Centurions, we're forming a [[wikipedia:Testudo_formation|tortoise]]. :''(Adam approaches Terri, and he's holding a ThinkSocially pamphlet in his hand.)'' :'''Adam:''' ''(to Terri)'' Okay. Terri, ThinkSocially. Did I sign off on this? Because I hadn't heard of ThinkSocially until I said it just then. :'''Terri:''' Okay, uh... :'''Adam:''' So what is it? :'''Terri:''' Simple explanation. :'''Adam:''' Love to hear it. :''(But as Terri gets ready to explain, Mary Drake from the Home Office has arrived at DoSAC...and she's not happy.)'' :'''Peter:''' ''(moaning)'' Oh, God. Here-Here's Mary. Bunch up, everyone, so she doesn't see the corpses. :''(Peter then hides in his office.)'' :'''Emma:''' Look, synchronize lies, all right? ''(Emma approaches Mary and shakes her hand.)'' Mary, hi. Hi, Emma, we met at the away day. I so enjoyed our, our mood play. :'''Mary:''' Yes, you actually did, didn't you? ''(to Terri)'' Oh, you must be the legendary Terri. ''(Mary shakes Terri's hand)'' I've heard a great deal about you. :'''Terri:''' Oh, oh, please, don't, uh, don't believe everything that you hear. :'''Mary:''' ''(sharply)'' I fully intend not to. ''(to Stewart)'' Stewart. Chakras balanced? :'''Fergus:''' Uh, sorry. Tiny bit of, uh, housekeeping. ''(to Terri)'' Terri, um, uh, ThinkSocially? Uh, just checking in on that. :'''Terri:''' Yes. Yes, it's a go thing. Double-stamped, yes. :''(Peter emerges from his office and greets Mary with an uneasy smile.)'' :'''Peter:''' Mary! Great to see you again. :'''Mary:''' ''(flatly)'' I'm here in an angry capacity. :'''Peter:''' Ah! The cream in our coffee, Mary. :'''Mary:''' ''(to all)'' The message from the Home Office is this: Move away from the backlog. There's nothing to see. Let the police do their jobs, let us do ours. :'''Fergus:''' Sorry to be, uh, ''contrary,'' Mary, but Peter and I have just been discussing this very issue. :'''Mary:''' Shut up! Let me tell you something now: DoSAC is one rat's whisker away from being shut down and subsumed by the Home Office, and put in charge of cocking up the tea run! And I like mine weak, and white. Like my men. ''(leaves)'' :'''Peter:''' Stewart, any thoughts from within your fucking dream yurt? :'''Stewart:''' I will go and try and de-frag this situation, but I am staying strictly macro. ''(leaves)'' :'''Adam:''' Subtitles, you need subtitles! :'''Fergus:''' ''(to Terri)'' Sorry, erm, ThinkSocially. Terri, would you mind explaining ''rationally'' why I appear to be giving a ringing endorsement to a piece of shit that I've never even heard of? :'''Terri:''' It's not my fault, it's the-it's the double-stamping nonsense, that's the reason. :'''Adam:''' Oh, really? Because right now, I want to double-stamp on your fucking throat. :'''Terri:''' I'm gonna take that seriously as a physical threat! :'''Adam:''' You know, one of the many many things that baffles me about you is you remain unmurdered! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Ollie is entering Malcolm's office.)'' :'''Ollie:''' M. Tucker. :'''Malcolm:''' Ollie. Um...We need to have a little chat. :'''Ollie:''' You're not splitting up with me, are you? Because I'm pregnant and it's quads, so, you know...You're not laughing. :'''Malcolm:''' Well, I'm laughing on the inside. Which is a tad ironic, because I'm leaving here in five minutes to get arrested. :'''Ollie:''' Hang on. Sorry...Uh, you're gonna be arrested at the exact same time that Dan Miller's doing his Lewisham walkabout? :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. But I'm going to Brentford where nobody will be watching me, because they'll all be with him. :'''Ollie:''' So, the Leader of the Opposition is going to be filmed at a police station at the exact moment that his Head of Communications is being arrested. Yes, okay, great, great, so that's a sack full of face-chewing rats, thank you very much. :'''Malcolm:''' Look, it's – This is what you have to deal with, right? It's just another day at the fuck office. :'''Ollie:''' So now I have to step into your shoes, but ''after'' you've shat in them. :'''Malcolm:''' Ollie, look at me! I'm not pulling anything out of a magic hat. The rabbits are falling to pieces, their fucking heads are coming off and frightening the kids. So somebody else is going to have to help out. :'''Ollie:''' Well, who says I even want to be you, Malcolm? Who says that? :'''Malcolm:''' Nobody says that. Except every screaming atom of that etiolated stick of fuck you call a body says that. Every fibre of your being, every stamen...says that. But you are not me, Ollie. :'''Ollie:''' No. :'''Malcolm:''' And you never will be me. I knew Malcolm F. Tucker, sir...and you are no Malcolm Fucking Tucker. You're not even fucking Manchester's top Malcolm Tucker tribute band. And trying to be me? ''You?!'' Trying to be me will fucking kill you. I give you 18 months before you're a washed out, weeping, alcoholic. With no fucking bladder control. Sleeping on your brother-in-law's sofa. :'''Ollie:''' And so on, and so on. It doesn't have to be like that, now, Malcolm. Politics has actually changed, right? :'''Malcolm:''' Oh? :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, yeah! Yeah, and you probably haven't noticed because you've been on transmit for the last fucking eight years: "Wah wah wah wah wah!" And whilst you've been doing that, everybody else has been changing, and it's all a bit softcore now, it's all about algorithms now. You don't have to be Malcolm Tucker to sit in that chair. :'''Malcolm:''' Oh, how quickly they grow up. You fucking think you know me? :'''Ollie:''' Well, yeah. Yeah, I know you. :'''Malcolm:''' You know [[wikipedia:Jackie Chan|Jackie fucking Chan]] about me. YOU KNOW FUCK ALL ABOUT ME! ''I'' am totally beyond the realms of your fucking tousle-haired, fucking dimwitted compre-fucking-hension! I don’t just take this fucking job home, you know. I take this job home, it fucking ties me to the bed, and it fucking fucks me from arsehole to breakfast. Then it wakes me up in the morning with a cup full of ''piss'' slung in my face, slaps me about the chops, to make sure I’m awake enough so it can kick me in the fucking bollocks! This job has taken me in every hole in my fucking body! MALCOLM IS GONE, you can't know Malcolm, 'cause Malcolm is not here! Malcolm fucking left the building fucking years ago! This is a fucking husk! I am a fucking host for this fucking job! Do you want this job? :'''Ollie:''' ... Yes. :'''Malcolm:''' Yes! You ''do'' fucking want this job! Then you're gonna have to fucking swallow this whole fucking life and let it grow inside you like a parasite, getting bigger and bigger and bigger until it fucking eats your insides alive and it stares out of your eyes and tells you what to do! :'''Ollie:''' Malcolm, this sounds like the fucking video you leave on YouTube after you've blown your brains out! :'''Malcolm:''' I'm as dead as fucking [[wikipedia:Two-tone_(music_genre)|two-tone]]. But I can fashion my own exit. :'''Ollie:''' Oh, Christ. What, are you gonna [[wikipedia:Suicide_tourism#Switzerland|fly to Switzerland]] and have a wank off a nurse and a bye-bye pill, are you? :'''Malcolm:''' Funny, funny man. Political exit. :'''Ollie:''' No, I know. :'''Malcolm:''' I'm gonna leave the stage with my head held fucking high, right? What you're going to see is a masterclass in fucking dignity, son. The audience will be on their feet. "There he goes," they'll say. "No friends - no real friends - no children, no glory, no memoirs." ... Well, fuck them. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Nicola has discovered that Declan, the journalist due to interview her, is the man behind 'Mr Chop'!)'' :'''Nicola:''' I am, uh...ever so close to being on the verge of bawling my fucking eyes out' disappointed about this. I mean, this was it, was it? What was the alternative, going on Strictly Come Dancing and doing a fucking hooky waltz with [[wikipedia:Abu_Hamza_al-Masri|Abu Hamza]]? This is pretty low. This is lower than my mother's pelvic floor, Helen. :'''Helen:''' I had to virtually go on the game to get you this. So, frankly, I don't care whether he wants to roll around in applesauce with you. Get in there and do as you're told. :'''Nicola:''' ''(taking a breath)'' Right. I will go, because I'm choosing to go in. But I just need you to know for the record... :'''Helen:''' Just get in there before I push you in. <hr width="50%"/> :''(At [[wikipedia:Lewisham|Lewisham]] Police Station, where private contractors have reduced the arrest backlog.)'' :'''Dan:''' Ollie, what the fuck are we doing here? Everything's fine. I'm like lube at a funeral. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah. I can't believe it but DoSAC have actually turned this around, they've [[wikipedia:Apollo_13|Apollo 13]]'d it. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm and his lawyer are trying to get out of [[wikipedia:Brentford|Brentford]] Police Station. They come across a policeman escorting a prisoner.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' 'Scuse me, is there another way out of here? :'''Prisoner:''' You could hang yourself. :'''Malcolm:''' Fuck off! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm and his lawyer are running away from reporters to their taxi, but it drives off)'' :'''Malcolm:''' HEY! GET THE FUCK BACK HERE! ''(the taxi stops and they get in)'' Jesus Christ! Go! Go go go! ''(the taxi drives off)'' You fucking drive off like that again, and I'll stick your meter so far down your throat you'll be able to tell the price of your next ''shit''. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Glenn:''' Come out, everyone! Tally-ho, yoo-hoo! Come on, bring out your fucking dead! Right, everybody listen, I've got an announcement to make, erm... :'''Phil:''' What is it, you got an erection? :'''Glenn:''' No. I would like to tell you all that I'm resigning! :'''Phil:''' Is that it? :'''Glenn:''' No, you closeted [[wikipedia:Regency_era|Regency]] homosexual, that is not it. Morally, this department is in the gutter! :'''Fergus:''' Thanks for the speech, Glenn, but we have work – :'''Glenn:''' ''(grabs a desktop lamp)'' YOU STAY AND TAKE YOUR PUNISHMENT! I will lamp you, with a lamp! :'''Terri:''' Glenn, you've gone a tiny bit psychotic, my love. :'''Glenn:''' ''(puts down the lamp)'' You, Fergus, when you asked me to join you, all you had was your principles, but over the last two years, you've bent like a human fucking palm tree, swaying to the guff of these six-toed born-to-rule pony-fuckers. :'''Adam:''' If you're gonna go, just go. Spare us this [[Network (film)|Peter Finch bullshit]]. :'''Glenn:''' Oh! Adam, you're waiting for your turn! Oh no! I remember, it's your turn right now! :'''Adam:''' Brilliant. Bring it. :'''Glenn:''' You are simply the most loathsome human being I have ever met. :'''Adam:''' Yep. :'''Glenn:''' You were so well-suited at the ''Mail'', it's a shame you came over here! :'''Emma:''' Hear, hear! ''(she and Phil clap)'' :'''Glenn:''' Do you know what? I hate you both: [[wikipedia:Tweedledum_and_Tweedledee|Tweedle-twat and Tweedle-prick]]! You contribute absolutely ''nothing'' to the world, so thank fucking God you have ''no power!'' :'''Fergus:''' Er, we do actually, it's – :'''Glenn:''' No, you don't. And Peter: it's been dreadful. I hope your cock falls off. Phil, do you know what you are? You're like an eight-year-old trapped in a twelve-year-old's body. :'''Phil:''' ''(gleefully)'' This is great! Why isn't anyone filming this? :'''Glenn:''' And Emma. :'''Phil:''' Yeah, yeah, do Emma, do Emma! :'''Glenn:''' Yeah, Emma, I'm sorry, you're just a standard-issue insipid posh bitch. That's it! Terri? ''(takes a pair of scissors)'' :'''Phil:''' Oh, whoa, whoa. :'''Glenn:''' I don't think I've ever met anyone quite so proud, and yet quite so useless. But I do have to thank you, ''(takes his pass and cuts it up)'' because I have managed to stay in shape, purely though the energy I spend in pitying you every day! :'''Terri:''' Glenn, you're just embarrassing yourself. :'''Glenn:''' Fuck you all up the wrong 'un! Ta ta! Bye bye! ''(leaves)'' :'''Phil:''' That was better than IMAX ''[[Inception (film)|Inception]]''. :'''Emma:''' Poor, poor Glenn! :'''Peter:''' Should we try and get him back? :'''Emma:''' Fuck, no. He's gone completely mental! :'''Adam:''' He's gone Glenn-tal. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm's last line)'' :'''Malcolm:''' I want to say something. I want to say something! ''(long silence)'' It doesn't matter. <hr width="50%"/> :''(As the Team DoSAC Coalition is celebrating Malcolm's arrest -- with some booze, no less -- Mary Drake returns with some big news.)'' :'''Mary:''' ''(to Peter)'' Drinking on the job, Peter? Why not? You've already got the efficiency of a man who's half cut. :'''Peter:''' Oh, then I must have dreamt that, uh, my idea had ''successfully reduced the arrest backlog?'' :'''Mary:''' DoSAC did do rather well today, uh, actually. :'''Terri:''' Thank you. :'''Mary:''' But there's a conspicuous blockage that will lead to a personnel change. :''(Mary then turns to Stewart, who's sitting on the floor.)'' :'''Mary:''' ''(to Stewart)'' Stewart. You're out. You're gonna be pickled in a think tank. :'''Terri:''' What? :'''Stewart:''' ''(scoffing)'' Of course I am, Mary. And whose authority is this coming from, hmm? :'''Mary:''' The PM, whilst acknowledging the need for thoughts, is keener on actions these days. I'm gonna be providing those. Stewart, there's no need for you to clear your desk, because you're a walking thought pod, aren't you? :'''Stewart:''' ''(calm, but clearly unhappy)'' Absolutely. Thank you very much...Thanks, um... :''(But then, Stewart launches one last razor sharp parting shot.)'' :'''Stewart:''' You know, I've spent ''ten'' years detoxifying this party, hmmm? It's been a bit like renovating an old, old house, yeah? You can take out a sexist beam here, a callous window there, replace the odd homophobic roof tile. ''(Stewart finally gets up.)'' But after a while you realise that this renovation is doomed. Because the foundations are built on what I can only describe as a solid bed of ''cunts.'' <hr width="50%"/> :''(This is the show's closing line.)'' :'''Peter:''' What a shit day! == Cast == '''The Government''' * [[w:Peter Capaldi|Peter Capaldi]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Malcolm Tucker]] * [[w:Paul Higgins (actor)|Paul Higgins]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Jamie McDonald]] * [[w:Alex MacQueen|Alex MacQueen]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Julius Nicholson]] * [[w:Rebecca Front|Rebecca Front]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Nicola Murray]] * [[w:|Eve Matheson]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Clare Ballentine]] * [[w:Justin Edwards|Justin Edwards]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Ben Swain]] * [[w:Rory Kinnear|Rory Kinnear]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Ed]] * [[w:Tony Gardner|Tony Gardner]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Dan Miller]] * [[w:James Smith|James Smith]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Glenn Cullen]] * [[w:Chris Addison|Chris Addison]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Oliver "Ollie" Reeder]] * [[w:Rob Edwards|Rob Edwards]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Geoff Holhurst]] '''Her Majesty's Civil Service''' * [[w:Joanna Scanlan|Joanna Scanlan]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Terri Coverley]] * [[w:Polly Kemp|Polly Kemp]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Robyn Murdoch]] '''The Opposition''' * [[w:Vincent Franklin|Vincent Franklin]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Stewart Pearson]] * [[w:Roger Allam|Roger Allam]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Peter Mannion]] * [[w:Olivia Poulet|Olivia Poulet]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Emma Messinger]] * [[w:Will Smith (comedian)|Will Smith]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Phil Smith]] '''The Media''' * [[w:Ben Willbond|Ben Willbond]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Adam Kenyon]] * [[w:Lucinda Raikes|Lucinda Raikes]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Angela Heaney]] '''Former Characters''' * [[w:Chris Langham|Chris Langham]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Hugh Abbot]] * [[w:Tim Bentinck|Tim Bentinck]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Cliff Lawton]] * [[w:Martin Savage|Martin Savage]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Nick Hanway]] * [[w:Rebecca Gethings|Rebecca Gethings]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Helen Hatley]] * [[w:Geoffrey Streatfeild|Geoffrey Streatfeild]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Fergus Williams]] == External links == {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title|id=0459159|title=The Thick Of It}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Thick of It, The}} [[Category:BBC shows]] [[Category:Cancelled shows]] [[Category:Political satirical TV shows]] [[Category:UK sitcoms]] [[Category:UK workplace comedy TV shows]] quiqe25coxm3dvr30cktps3b4r5hfnn 3153121 3153120 2022-08-10T03:00:40Z Mr. Brain 3009526 /* Series 3, Episode 1 */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:The Thick of It|The Thick of It]]''''' is a British sitcom, satirising the inner workings of modern government, that finished its fourth (and final) series in October 2012. It stars [[wikipedia:Peter Capaldi|Peter Capaldi]] as spin doctor [[wikipedia:Malcolm Tucker|Malcolm Tucker]]. See also ''[[In The Loop]]'', a spin-off feature film. ==Series 1, Episode 1== :''(Malcolm Tucker's first line.)'' :'''Malcolm Tucker:''' ''(on his phone, in Cliff Lawton's office)'' No, he's useless. He's absolutely useless. He is, he's useless, he's as useless as a marzipan dildo. All right. Got to go. Minister's just walked in. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm Tucker has just told Cliff Lawton, the head of the Department of Social Affairs, that he has to resign as Minister.)'' :'''Cliff Lawton:''' Malcolm, look, um – if you do this, it's the bollocks of the jungle out there, you know? They're like wolves. Pissed wolves. :'''Malcolm Tucker:''' I've made the announcement: I've told [[wikipedia:The_Lobby|the Lobby]] you're going, Cliff. :'''Cliff:''' You've told the Lobby I'm going? :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. Sorry, Cliff. :'''Cliff:''' Minister. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, get used to Cliff. I've booked you in for the usual soapy tit-wank farewell at Number 10, in 20 minutes. Also drafted you a letter of resignation: gives you the chance to say that you're jumping before you're pushed, although obviously we're gonna be briefing that you ''were'' pushed, sorry. :'''Cliff:''' Um...Look, tell you what. You don't need to do all of this. What about Tom? Everybody knows he's fucking up Transport. :'''Malcolm:''' We can't sack Tom at Transport. We can't lose anyone at Transport, they're important. :'''Cliff:''' What? And Social Affairs isn't? :'''Malcolm:''' OK, the Department of Social for Commercial Affairs is very important, but it's not Transport. Transport's cars, buses, trucks. :'''Cliff:''' I KNOW WHAT TRANSPORT FUCKING ENTAILS! :''(Malcolm gives Cliff his infamous "bollocking stare.")'' :'''Cliff:''' Look, look...Look. I'll look at it. :''(Cliff looks at the resignation note.)'' :'''Cliff:''' Personal reasons. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. I thought that would give you adequate scope. :'''Cliff:''' Scope. What, like, um...shooting up in the Cabinet Office or something? Stuffing a cat up my arse and having a wank? What do you mean, scope? :'''Malcolm:''' You know, this could be a great deal worse. You have had a good innings. You have been here for 18 months. And you know, I have written some very nice things about you in the PM's reply to your resignation. Some very nice fucking things indeed. I had a lump in my throat. And you know why? Because no one who matters thinks any less of you over this -- ''so far.'' OK? ''(beat)'' Right. One more thing: ''[[wikipedia:The Daily Mail|The Daily Mail]]''. David Topham has got it into his head that we are gonna sack you because of press pressure. :'''Cliff:''' I wonder why. :'''Malcolm:''' Look. You're in no position to dish out fucking sarcasm. That's over. You no longer have purchase in the sarcasm world. Get on the phone. Tell him you're jumping before you're pushed -- although we were gonna push you, but not because of press pressure, but because of your deeply held fucking personal issues, whatever they were. :'''Cliff:''' You want me to write my own obituary. :'''Malcolm:''' Get on the fucking phone. Do it now. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Hugh Abbot, the new head of the Department of Social Affairs, is calling a big meeting to announce his first major policy. Joining Hugh in his office are his staff members: Glenn Cullen, Hugh's senior advisor and best friend; Oliver "Ollie" Reeder, Hugh's junior advisor; and Terri Coverley, the department's Chief Press Secretary.)'' :'''Hugh Abbot:''' Shush! I've got something very important to say. I've got -- Ollie, I've got something for us. I've got us a very, very tasty little morsel. Because this morning I had a chat with my very good friend, the Prime Minister of Great Britain. ''(Glenn, Ollie, and Terri are very interested.)'' Yes. And, um, remember the, um, um -- Ollie, your Benefit Unit Fraud... :'''Ollie Reeder:''' Anti-Benefit Fraud Executive. ABFE. :'''Hugh:''' ABFE. Um, Scrounger Squad. :'''Ollie:''' Snooper Squad. :'''Hugh:''' ''(correcting himself)'' Snooper Squad. :'''Terri Coverley:''' The one with the spending implications? :'''Hugh:''' Yes, and the Prime Minister's view, it turns out, is very much, "Fuck the spending implications, I like it." :'''Glenn Cullen:''' Good. :'''Hugh:''' So this is us. We're on the map. It's a chance for me, Glenn, to get on Richard & Judy and plant that flag right on their fucking sofa. :'''Terri:''' So the, um, the Prime Minister's authorized you -- he ''has'' authorized you to announce it, has he? :'''Hugh:''' That's very much what he signaled, yes, very clearly. He said that he's very much right behind us on this and it's very much what we should be doing. :'''Ollie:''' This is great. So we can do it this afternoon at the school, can't we? We can, uh, we can clear the press conference that we've got... :'''Terri:''' ''(getting up to leave)'' Excuse me. :'''Glenn:''' Yeah. We'll "double-bubble" it, yeah? We'll leak it to the Standard for the early editions and then trail it on the World at One. Yes? Right. I'll tell you, we, we need someone at the Standard we can give this to. What about Angela Heaney? She's at the Standard now, isn't she? Hugh? :'''Hugh:''' Yeah. :'''Glenn:''' Ollie? :'''Ollie:''' Um...yes, she is. Do you not think that maybe she's a bit junior, I think. :'''Glenn:''' Bit too much like your ex who broke your heart and then dumped you with a text message? :'''Ollie:''' It was a fucking e-mail. It wasn't a text message. :'''Glenn:''' We give it to her, she'll write what we want. :'''Hugh:''' She's easy. :'''Glenn:''' She is easy. :''(Terri returns to the office, trying to tell the guys to control their excitement over the Snooper Squad policy.)'' :'''Terri:''' Uh, one moment. I can see that you've all got very big, stiff hard-ons for this one -- :'''Hugh:''' Sorry? :'''Terri:''' That's -- that is nice. I'm not saying that's not nice. But... :'''Hugh:''' ''(surprised)'' Terri! :'''Terri:''' But there is absolutely no way we're gonna clear it by this afternoon. So... :'''Ollie:''' Why not? :'''Terri:''' Do cool it, just for a minute, and I'll ring Paul at the Treasury. :'''Hugh, Glenn, and Ollie:''' NO NO NO NO NO NO NO! :'''Hugh:''' No phone calls to the Treasury, thank you. :'''Ollie:''' If you call the Treasury to get anywhere near the announcement, he's gonna have to dress up as catering with a big tray of drinks and a pot of sliced lemons. :'''Hugh:''' I'm not doing that. :'''Terri:''' I'm just going by procedure. :'''Hugh:''' Terri, I love doing things the right way, that ethical stuff. I, I-I love it, I mean, we all, we all do. But -- but, you know, it's very difficult when you're the first person to put your gun down, because people tend to jump on your head as if it was a ripe watermelon. We don't want that, do we? :'''Ollie:''' The Prime Minister said he wants to do it. The Prime Minister is above the Treasury in the hierarchy. I can write it down on a chart if it actually helps. :'''Terri:''' Whatever. :'''Glenn:''' Thank you. :'''Terri:''' Very good, Minister. I'll get to it. :'''Hugh:''' ''(to Terri)'' You're just doing your job. ''(After Terri leaves, Hugh whispers to Glenn & Ollie)'' Not very well. :'''Glenn:''' ''(on his cell phone)'' Will you get Angela on the phone for Ollie? ''(to Ollie)'' You can deal with this, Ollie, yes? Thank you. :'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' The driver. :'''Ollie:''' ''(answering Glenn's question, despondently)'' Technically. :'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Will it be my usual driver? :'''Glenn:''' Yes, Hugh. :'''Hugh:''' I don't fucking like him. :'''Glenn:''' Why not? :'''Hugh:''' He's...I don't know. I think he despises me. :'''Glenn:''' We'll have to use him today, because you know how the pool system works. So we go down to the school...um...have to. :'''Hugh:''' He's sort of contemptuous. :'''Glenn:''' The driver? :'''Hugh:''' I feel like he looks down on me. :'''Glenn:''' No, Hugh, he likes you, I'm sure. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Hugh and Glenn are in the car listening to ''[[wikipedia:The World at One|The World at One]]''. They're celebrating Hugh's "Snooper Force" policy being given the green light.)'' :'''[[wikipedia:Nick Clarke|Nick Clarke]]:''' (on the radio) ''The World at One. This is Nick Clarke with 30 minutes of news...'' :'''Hugh:''' Well, you can fuck off for a start. :'''Nick Clarke:''' ''The Social Affairs Secretary Hugh Abbot...'' :'''Hugh:''' ''(quite proudly)'' Evening. :'''Glenn:''' First story up. :'''Hugh:''' Top of the bill. :'''Nick Clarke:''' ''...a uniformed, so-called Snooper Force. The announcement suggests the DSA has pushed the Treasury into releasing more funds, so we'll ask, is the Treasury losing its... :'''Hugh:''' Yes it is, and not before time! :'''Nick Clarke:''' ''...Social Affairs spokesman Mark Davis Nathenson... :'''Hugh:''' If you can get him out of the bath! :'''Nick Clarke:''' ''But first, the estimates of fatalities from yesterday's train disaster in Bangalore have risen precipitously overnight... :'''Hugh:''' Well, that's marvelous. :''(But then, Hugh's cell phone rings...)'' :'''Hugh:''' Oh, Tucker. ''(Happily answering the call)'' Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' What the fuck was that? Was this whole Snooper Force thing from you? :'''Hugh:''' Malcolm, I talked to the PM and this is completely kosher as far as he's concerned. You know, he gave the go-ahead and he said, you know, bounce the Treasury. :'''Malcolm:''' Don't you realise? We have got 17 different issues we are fighting with the Treasury about. :'''Hugh:''' I can hear that you are, as usual, upset. :'''Malcolm:''' I'll tell you why I'm upset. I'm upset because these fucking morons over at [[wikipedia:HM_Treasury|the Treasury]], these people, they are so paranoid. If you don't tell them about stuff like this, if you don't even cc them an email, they think you've started a palace coup! :'''Hugh:''' Mal– Malcolm – :'''Malcolm:''' You don't seem to understand that I'm gonna have to mop up a fucking hurricane of piss here from all of these neurotics! What did the Prime Minister ''actually'' say to you? :'''Hugh:''' He actually said, 'This is exactly the kind of thing we should be doing.' :'''Malcolm:''' ''What did he actually say?'' :'''Hugh:''' He said, 'This is exactly the sort of thing we should be doing.' :'''Malcolm:''' 'Should' be doing. 'Should' does not mean 'yes'. Now, there's only one thing to do here, and it's what I'm going to tell you to do. Kill it. :'''Hugh:''' I can't -- I can't kill it! I'm on my way to make the announcement! There's gonna be television cameras there and everything! :'''Malcolm:''' Well, fuck the television cameras! Think of something else to say! But just don't mention the bloody [[wikipedia:The_New_Avengers|New Avengers]] or the Snooper Force, or whatever the fuck you call it. :'''Hugh:''' Scam Busters? :'''Malcolm:''' Get rid of it. I don't wanna hear about it again. Bye. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Glenn is on the phone with Terri, telling her about a change in the Snooper Force story.)'' :'''Glenn:''' So the line is -- and call every news desk -- that the Snooper Force story is that it was led out by, quote, "a disgruntled civil servant," unquote. OK? :'''Terri:''' ''(privately annoyed)'' OK, great. :'''Glenn:''' And Terri? :'''Terri:''' Hmmm? :'''Glenn:''' You can drop that tone, all right? :'''Terri:''' What tone? :'''Glenn:''' The "I knew better all along" tone, yeah? It isn't fucking appreciated right now. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Ollie is in the car with Glenn & Hugh, and the three of them are discussing policy ideas while traveling.)'' :'''Hugh:''' All right. So...what the hell am I gonna say is the reason for me summoning all the nation's major news organisations to a school in Wiltshire? :'''Ollie:''' So you want something sexy and eye-catching, and that is free and universally popular and instantly applicable, no one can possibly object to it. :'''Glenn:''' Yep. :'''Ollie:''' Right. :'''Hugh:''' Yes. :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Well, really, you should've said something before, Glenn, because I've got a file about that fucking thick of that back in the office. Absolutely huge. Those sorts of policies are ten a penny. :'''Glenn:''' ''(getting mad)'' Ollie! :'''Ollie:''' Our entire manifesto is more or less made up of... :'''Glenn:''' ''(settling down)'' You know, it really doesn't help when you get cynical. You should think of this as an opportunity. :'''Ollie:''' It's not that easy to come up with ''[[wikipedia:Das Kapital|Das Kapital]]'' in the back of a cab, Glenn. :'''Hugh:''' ''(intervening)'' Ollie. :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh, handing him an electric razor)'' Here, shave. :''(As Hugh shaves his face, everybody settles down and gets back to the task at hand.)'' :'''Glenn:''' What we need is something that the public want, is incredibly popular and is free. :'''Ollie:''' Return of capital punishment. :'''Hugh:''' ''(unimpressed)'' That's a joke, right? You are joking, yes, obviously? Come on, Ollie, come up with something. :'''Ollie:''' National spare room database. :''(Nobody has any ideas yet -- UNTIL...)'' :'''Hugh:''' What about zoos? My kids went to a zoo, you know, the other day and they said-they said it was fucking disgusting. You know, the state of it. ''(beat)'' That's shit, isn't it? :'''Glenn:''' ''(nodding)'' No...but there is an idea there, because in the middle of the city, you've got wild animals. :'''Ollie:''' Pet ASBOs? Do you remember that? ASBOs for pets? :'''Hugh:''' Well, you see, that sounds potentially ludicrous. But then pet passports, I mean, that was a...that was a goer. :'''Glenn:''' What if everybody had to carry a plastic bag? By law? You know, the identification cards are coming in... :'''Hugh:''' ''(appalled)'' You've fucking cracked! Are you mad? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ollie:''' What if the announcement is...there's no big announcement. :'''Hugh:''' Oh, for goodness... :'''Ollie:''' No, no, wait. Right? We say, "The Department of Social Affairs has been doing amazing work, bread-and-butter work, belt-and-braces work, the kind of work that you people aren't interested in 'cos it's not shiny, shiny, media-friendly stuff. You are so obsessed with how things play in the media, you sickos, that every time we try and do, you know, just carry on with our day, you don't show up. So we have to call a big, you know, thing like this." :'''Hugh:''' On target, under budget. :'''Ollie:''' Coalface politics. :'''Hugh:''' Absolutely. Yes, I like that. :'''Glenn:''' Not wasting resources. :'''Hugh:''' Good. Let's do that. :'''Glenn:''' Let's go for that. :'''Hugh:''' We ''trick'' them. We ''trick'' them. Tinselly thing and they come along and then we say, "Ah-ha, that's what we've been doing, we've been doing our fucking jobs!" ''(beat)'' Yes, they never print that stuff, do they? :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, yeah, and you've come all this way, we've got you two hours out of London to come and cover this. :'''Hugh:''' You mugs! You mugs! :'''Ollie:''' But you know what? You've got a bigger story here than you have chasing your tinsel. :'''Hugh:''' Yeah, which is you live in a country which is properly -- There's not many countries can say that. :'''Glenn:''' And we've probably got 10,000,000 we can throw at it. :'''Hugh:''' Yes. That's good, that, because it sounds like a lot, doesn't it? <hr width="50%"/> :''(Hugh, Glenn and Ollie are at the school, preparing for Hugh's big speech.)'' :'''Ollie:''' I've got a thing here that says "springy concrete." I don't know, I think that's about the playground thing, but I don't... :'''Glenn:''' Springy concrete? :'''Hugh:''' ''(practicing his speech)'' Good afternoon...Should I say "Hello, boys and girls?" :'''Glenn:''' Yes, very nice. :'''Hugh:''' Like a fucking panto dame. :'''Ollie:''' He's gonna look ridiculous on the six o'clock news saying, "Hello, boys and girls." :'''Glenn:''' He's talking to the audience in front of him. :'''Hugh:''' ''(practicing)'' Real money for real families. ''(asking Glenn and Ollie)'' Real families or real people? :'''Glenn:''' Families. :'''Ollie:''' People. Real people. :'''Glenn:''' You see? Don't -- Families. :'''Ollie:''' Families sounds exclusive. It sounds kinda back to basics, it sounds [[wikipedia:John Major|John Major]]. :'''Glenn:''' People sounds Communist. :'''Ollie:''' It doesn't sound Communist. :'''Hugh:''' I'll say families. :'''Glenn:''' Thank you, Hugh. :'''Ollie:''' Say families of people. :''(A schools-woman approaches the room.)'' :'''Schools-woman:''' Mr. Abbot. :'''Glenn:''' Great. You're on. Here we go. :'''Hugh:''' Thank you. :'''Glenn:''' It's what you do best, mate. :'''Hugh:''' Yep. ''(to the schools-woman)'' This is lovely. Very nice indeed. <hr width="50%"/> :''(But a short time later...Hugh's speech bombed.)'' :'''Hugh:''' Well, that was a fucking disaster. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Surprisingly, Hugh's press conference was so boring that it was a success! Hugh and Glenn are celebrating at the office.)'' :'''Glenn:''' Well, you really pulled it round, mate. :'''Hugh:''' I took the flak, you supplied the flak jacket. :'''Glenn:''' Yeah, and the bullets bounced off. :'''Hugh:''' This is what it's all about, Glenn. :'''Glenn:''' Yeah. :'''Hugh:''' This is what it's -- All those years at the coalface, hanging in there, taking all the shit, all the bullshit. :'''Glenn:''' When you are Senior Cabinet Minister, then we'll show them. :'''Hugh:''' Yeah, and Snooper Force? Bollocks, we'll get rid of that. :'''Glenn:''' Aw, for fuck's sake, yeah. Fiddling while Rome burns. :'''Hugh:''' Fucking right. We'll kick some arse. We'll kick some butt! Kick some butt! :'''Glenn:''' That's what we're in it for, mate! Tell them all the shit that we do. :''(Glenn sees Malcolm standing behind Hugh, but Hugh is blissfully unaware.)'' :'''Hugh:''' It's a means to an end, mate. :''(Hugh then sees Malcolm right behind him.)'' :'''Hugh:''' Fuck me, Malcolm. How do you do that? :'''Malcolm:''' Can I have a word with you? :''(Glenn, who had earlier slammed doors in Ollie's and Terri's faces, finds a door being slammed in his face.)'' <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm wants to discuss Hugh's speech at the school.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(sighing heavily)'' I'm hacked off, mate. :'''Hugh:''' ''(stuttering)'' But we-we-we killed-we killed it. It's-it's-it's-it's killed. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, but once you start the fire...And we didn't start the fire. It was always burning since the world's been turning, et cetera, et cetera. :'''Hugh:''' S-Sorry, Malcolm, you're not making any sense. :'''Malcolm:''' Prime Minister, obviously, he's, uh, on the plane in Stockholm, and somebody hits him with ''The World At One.'' He thinks it's the Treasury trying to stiff him one, so he, um... ''(Malcolm takes a long pause)'' He stuck with the story. :'''Hugh:''' He liked it? :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, he's backing the Snooper Force. :'''Hugh:''' ''(smiling)'' Oh, right. ''(beat)'' We shouldn't really then have, I mean, ''you'' shouldn't really have, uh, told us to, uh...Should you? ''(chuckles)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(unamused)'' Don't should me, Hugh. 'Cos I'll should you right back. I'll should you right through that window. None of this ''should'' be happening, SHOULD it? ''SHOULD IT?'' ''SHOULD IT?'' :'''Hugh:''' Is that should in the...sense of yes, or...? :'''Malcolm:''' It's should in the sense of "You should do as you're fucking told." :'''Hugh:''' What, um...What are we gonna do now? :'''Malcolm:''' You're gonna completely reverse your position. :'''Hugh:''' Hang on-hang on-hang on a second. Hang-Malcolm, it's-it's not actually that, um – I mean, that's gonna be quite hard, really. :'''Malcolm:''' Yes, well the announcement that you didn't make today, you did. :'''Hugh:''' No, no, I didn't, ''and'' there were television cameras there while I was not doing it. :'''Malcolm:''' Fuck them. :'''Hugh:''' I'm not quite sure h– what level of reality I'm supposed to be operating on. :'''Malcolm:''' Look, this is what they run with. I tell them that you said it, they believe that you said it. They don't really believe you said it, they ''know'' that you never said it. :'''Hugh:''' Right. :'''Malcolm:''' But it's in their interests to say that you said it. Because if they don't say that you said it, they're not gonna get what you say tomorrow or the next day, when I decide to tell them what it is you're saying. :'''Hugh:''' Yeah, I-I am following this. I just... :'''Malcolm:''' I had a friend who used to indulge in extramarital affairs, OK? He would go off and he'd have some dalliance, and every Monday he'd come back and he'd meet his wife. And he told me that all he did was inside his head turn a little switch. The affair never happened. OK? :'''Hugh:''' Right. :'''Malcolm:''' There's not a prob -- I don't -- What is the problem with this? :'''Hugh:''' The problem with it...First of all, I -- I didn't get much dalliance. :'''Malcolm:''' Get it into your head. Rewind today into your head. :'''Hugh:''' OK, stop explaining it to me! :'''Malcolm:''' I have to fucking explain it to you, man. You haven't been here long enough. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Ollie is in an office arguing with his ex-girlfriend, Angela Heaney...who's also a news journalist.)'' :'''Ollie:''' I'm really glad you came in, Angela. :'''Angela Heaney:''' Well, I could lose my job, Ollie. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah... :'''Angela:''' Because I went all hot and heavy to the news desk with three directly contradictory stories in one day. :'''Ollie:''' I know, :'''Angela:''' They gave me flip-flops. You know? Someone actually went out and bought me flip-flops to give me. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah. You've gotta give them credit for that, that is quite funny. :'''Angela:''' Yeah. And they pasted onto them...a fucking porn picture of a girl sucking a big cock and they wrote, "Angela Heaney swallows anything." :'''Ollie:''' That is less funny. Obviously, that's actually quite offensive. :'''Angela:''' Can you give me one good reason why I shouldn't do a big story on the, you know, the day of spin? :'''Ollie:''' Wh-Why? What sort of story? ''(Ollie starts stammering and struggling to defend himself...)'' :'''Angela:''' Inside story of a government department out of control. With diagrams and maybe a flow chart with your face and name on it. And Glenn's and Hugh's and big arrows showing who spoke to who and how you all ''fucked it up!'' Yeah, I think I could write that one up myself, Ollie. I think I could do the punctuation on ''that'' one! :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, I-I'm sorry. Okay, I was patronis... :''(Suddenly, Malcolm comes into the office.)'' :'''Malcolm''': Hey. Hi, Angela. Oh, I like the hair, nice little corkscrews. How's it going? :'''Ollie''': Yeah, er, fine. Um, we were just, er, talking about why Angela shouldn't do a big story on the big insidery piece, kinda day of spin, sort of spread in the paper... :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Oh, I don't know. ''(to Angela)'' Maybe you should! Good idea. :''(Malcolm leaves -- then comes back.)'' :'''Malcolm''': Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute. I know why she shouldn't. Because, you know, if she did that, she'd be dead. To me, to this department, to the government. And she'll never get another story, or a fucking whiff of a story as long as she kept her sorry, hack bitch face lingering around Westminster, because I would call every editor I know - which, obviously, that's all of them - and I'd tell them to gouge her name out of their address books so she'd never even get a job on hospital radio ''where the sad sack belongs.'' That's what I'd tell her. ''(to Ollie)'' But maybe you should do it. See you later. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah. ''(to Angela)'' He's actually...He can be really nice. It's been a very long day. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hugh:''' I want a new driver. Get me a new driver. I don't want to see this guy ever again. :'''Glenn:''' On what grounds? :'''Hugh:''' Smiling. Inappropriate smiling. And smirking. Smiling and smirking. I don't want to see that smile or smirk ever again. OK? Thank you. ''(Hugh turns to the driver)'' OK, thank you very much. :'''Driver:''' Which way do you want to go? :'''Hugh:''' I don't care, you're the boss. ==Series 1, Episode 2== :''(This is the opening scene of the episode.)'' :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' You're late. And you look like shit. :'''Hugh:''' I know both of those things already. [[wikipedia:Margaret Thatcher|Margaret Thatcher]] used to survive on less than four hours' sleep a night. How is that possible? :'''Glenn:''' Monkey glands. She was mad. Mad people have different needs. :'''Hugh:''' And she lived above the shop, so she didn't have to commute. God, London is so big. Can't we devolve some of it? If I could get just one decent night's shut-eye... :'''Glenn:''' Well, Hugh, do yourself a favor. Stay over in the flat. :'''Hugh:''' I can't break my promise to Kate. :'''Glenn:''' I mean, do you actually get to see the children? :'''Hugh:''' Glenn, I don't have time for that. All I do... I work, I eat, I shower. That's it. Occasionally... I take a dump, just as a sort of treat. I mean, that really is my treat. That's what it's come to. I sit there and I think, "No, I'm not going to read the [[wikipedia:New_Statesman|''New Statesman'']]. This time is just for me. This is quality time just for me." Is that normal? :'''Glenn''': It's sad. :'''Hugh''': Well at least I've made something. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm and Hugh are on the phone, discussing an article by Simon Hewitt.)'' :'''Hugh:''' Hello, Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' Have you got Simon Hewitt's piece in front of you? :'''Hugh:''' I haven't been quite through it, erm, yet. :'''Malcolm:''' Have you got to the bit where he calls ''you'' out of your depth? :'''Hugh:''' No, at the moment he's calling me 'the political equivalent of the house wine at a suburban Indian restaurant'. That's not very good, is it? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hugh:''' So, how do we respond to this? :'''Terri:''' Right, we don't exchange insults with bloody Simon arsepipes titty-twat. :'''Ollie:''' Is that honestly the best swearing that you can come up with? :'''Glenn:''' This is a bucket of shit: if someone throws shit at us, we throw shit back at them, we start a shit fight. We throw so much shit back at them that they can't pick up shit, they can't throw shit, they can't do shit. :'''Terri:''' Mm. :'''Hugh:''' That's top swearing, Glenn, well done. :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Terri)'' Watch and learn. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hugh:''' ''(thinking of policy ideas)'' Shut up for a minute, please. Where else can we go? Pollution, the environment. Litter. Dog shit. :'''Ollie:''' Aiming high. :'''Hugh:''' We aimed high, now we're at dog shit. :'''Ollie:''' So what you're looking for – :'''Malcolm:''' ''(entering the room)'' OK, this is what we're doing. I'm putting it about through a number of cronies – :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Morning, Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' – that Hewitt's piece was a packet of bollocks; he did it as a favour to Cliff. :'''Ollie:''' Cliff being – :'''Glenn:''' Cliff Lawton. :'''Ollie:''' Oh right. :'''Malcolm:''' Hugh's predecessor. He and Hewitt are as tight as arse cheeks. :'''Hugh:''' Are they now? :'''Malcolm:''' Fuck knows, but that's what we're saying, OK? It's personal, it's backslapping, it's borderline homoerotic, and you are an innocent victim of a nasty media stitch-up. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Hugh has just asked Terri which policy idea she prefers: Glenn's or Ollie's?)'' :'''Terri:''' It's not my role to have a preference. I sell the apples. If you want me to sell the apples, I'll sell the apples. And if you want me to sell the oranges, then I'll go and tell people the apples? "The apples are shit, Ollie. They're shit." I'll say, "Go on! Check out our oranges!" <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' And you're against it? :'''Glenn:''' It'll die on its arse! 'My grandma was mugged by some ferret-faced teenager with a neck tattoo, what are you gonna do about it?' 'Teach him to play the bassoon.' It is, as my dear old mother would have said, double wank and shit chips.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Glenn:''' Well, my guts still say no. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well substantial as they are, they've been outvoted.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Hugh:''' Malcolm, I know you were very keen on Terri's appointment but, um – :'''Malcolm:''' She's shit. :'''Hugh:''' Well, I wouldn't go that far. :'''Malcolm:''' She's a box-ticker, Hugh. She can't think outside the box. :'''Hugh:''' No, in fact she's built a box inside the actual box and she's doing her thinking inside that box. :'''Malcolm:''' Exactly, I like that. :'''Hugh:''' I'm sorry, I'm so tired, Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' No, that's good. :'''Hugh:''' I have so much stuff to read and think about. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Terri''': Anyway, these focus groups, they're absolutely useless. :'''Ollie''': Oh, so it's useless to ask people what they think, is it? It's useless to ask people's opinions before we formulate a policy? It's useless?! :'''Glenn''': Look, there's no point in asking people what they think. They either don't know what they think or they think that you should bring back hanging for traffic wardens. Or they just think what every right-minded thinking person would think, and that's just common sense! :'''Ollie''': Oh, yeah yeah yeah, oh yeah, ''"I'm Geoff Average, and I think the same as everybody else cos I'm Mr Average Normal Bloke and everybody thinks like me cos I work in IT, and on the weekends I pop a few pills and do a bit of DJ-ing, y'know, spare cash cos I'm a single mum and I'm a member of the [[wikipedia:National_Trust_for_Places_of_Historic_Interest_or_Natural_Beauty|National Trust]], I enjoy any sports on TV, anything with Colin Firth, I enjoy domestic violence and sun-dried fucking...karaoke."'' Not everybody is the same, Glenn! People can surprise you! :'''Glenn:''' Was that good-natured joshing? <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm is still working late at night in his office, eating a piece of fruit, when his cell phone rings.) :'''Malcolm:''' ''(answering the call)'' Tucker. :'''Simon Hewitt:''' Malcolm, uh...hope I didn't wake you up. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(spitting)'' Hewitt. :'''Simon:''' Yeah, I'm doing a piece this Sunday, a big piece on focus groups. It's sort of inspired by your latest policy disaster. I'm gonna be concentrating on how your man Abbot can't do a single thing without focus groups. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(clearly unmoved)'' I'm shaking with fear. :'''Simon:''' Yeah, well, that's sexual jealousy. :'''Malcolm:''' You're so very very witty. Pity none of it ever makes it into your columns. :'''Simon:''' Listen, I'd love to spend the rest of the evening listening to you, but I've got better things to do. :'''Malcolm:''' Fuck off back to your match reports, you twat! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hugh:''' How fucked am I? :'''Ollie:''' Well, you look awful, you look terrible. I mean, you often look quite bad, but... :'''Hugh:''' I mean, in terms of negative publicity. On the fuckometer, where am I? :'''Glenn:''' Oh, 12. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah. 12, say. :'''Hugh:''' Out of what? :'''Glenn:''' Er... 50. :'''Ollie:''' Oh. Mine was out of ten. :'''Hugh:''' Right, ''(to Glenn)'' so I'm 24% fucked according to you, ''(to Ollie)'' but according to you I'm 120% fucked? :'''Ollie:''' Um, yeah, I didn't... :''(But before Ollie can finish his thought, Terri enters the office.)'' :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Terri)'' Terri, have you got anything for us? :'''Terri:''' Well, I can't ask them to drop the piece. It would make us look pathetic. :'''Hugh:''' Terri, I don't mean to come across all Mr. Gradgrind, but this is your job, isn't it? Sorting out the press? This is what you do for a living? :'''Terri:''' This is Malcolm's problem, anyway. He's the one who took it over. It's him that spun that... :''(Before Terri can finish her point, Malcolm enters the room and takes charge.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' All right, listen up, this is what we're gonna do. I'm bringing forward Hugh's interview with Angela to this afternoon. :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Morning, Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' It goes out as a spoiler tomorrow morning. That way, we can get our side of the story across and also piss all over Simon Hewitt's corn flakes, sadly only metaphorically, yeah? Right, okay. Ollie, call Heaney. Terri, get on to her editor. Glenn, book her room. [[wikipedia:The_Professionals_(TV_series)|Bodie, Doyle, you go round the back]]. :''(The other 4 are confused by Malcolm.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' At times of stress, I make jokes! :''(Glenn, Terri and Ollie go about their business.)'' :'''Hugh:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Right, um...What do I do? :'''Malcolm:''' Sit down in front of the TV with me. You're gonna watch that Zeitgeist tape now. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm and Hugh are in Hugh's office watching The Bill on tape. Hugh is sort of dozing off to sleep, when all of a sudden...he wakes up to see Mary, the Focus Group Superstar, in the show!)'' :'''Hugh:''' Oh, shit. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, I know, but people watch it. This gets 6,000,000. :'''Hugh:''' Oh, shit. :'''Malcolm:''' What? :'''Hugh:''' She's an actress. :'''Malcolm:''' Who? :'''Hugh:''' Mary, from the focus group, she's an actress. :'''Malcolm:''' Oh, relax, that doesn't matter. These focus groups, they do it all the time. If they're a bit short on numbers, they bung in a couple of actors. It doesn't matter because it's a focus group - key word, "group." :''(Hugh's trying to find a solution to his problem...)'' :'''Hugh:''' Ooh, I've just remembered. Um...can you just... :'''Malcolm:''' Should I pause it? :'''Hugh:''' If you could pause it for a second, I'll be...I'm sorry, I'll just be back in a sec. :''(Hugh rushes to get help from Glenn. Hugh has to whisper to Glenn so Malcolm doesn't hear anything.)'' :'''Hugh:''' Glenn? :'''Glenn:''' What? :'''Hugh:''' I've got a bit of a problem. You remember Mary from the focus group? :'''Glenn:''' What, Miss, uh, Immaculate Bloody Conception? :'''Hugh:''' She's an actress. :'''Glenn:''' What do you mean? :'''Hugh:''' Well, I mean she's – No, there's no clearer way of saying it, she's an actress. :'''Glenn:''' Are you sure? :'''Hugh:''' I've just seen her, she's in ''[[wikipedia:The_Bill|The fucking Bill]]''! :'''Glenn:''' Oh, Jesus! Look, this doesn't necessarily have to be a total fucking disaster. :'''Hugh:''' Oh, I think it does, because she wasn't for real, she's not really, uh, a stay-at-home [[wikipedia:Middle_England|Middle England]] housewife, she-she's just playing a part, so what she said wasn't, you know – :''(Hugh and Glenn walk past Terri, who is on the phone.)'' :'''Glenn:''' Yes. Yeah, I do know. :'''Terri:''' What, who said what wasn't what? :'''Hugh:''' ''(whispering to Terri)'' We are organising focus groups to listen to the opinions of ordinary people, except they're ''not'' ordinary people! They're fucking actors, so they're not technically people at all! :''(Glenn and Hugh go to Ollie's desk.)'' :'''Terri:''' ''(on the phone)'' Can I get back to you? :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' What is it? :'''Glenn:''' Your fucking legend is a fucking actress! :'''Ollie:''' Well, 'cause the focus group companies do it all the time. If they can't cobble together, you know, the right cross-section, they call a casting agency – :'''Glenn:''' Dial-an-opinion, is it? 'Send me three liberals, two fucking mavericks and a racist.' Brilliant, Ollie! Brilliant! :'''Hugh:''' ''(whispering)'' We've based the whole thing on her! Just her! Her alone! :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Don't you see? Why didn't you run it past me for once? :''(Hugh storms off towards a nearby cupboard.)'' :'''Hugh:''' ''(still whispering)'' Shit! Shit! :''(Glenn, Ollie and Terri continue whispering argumentatively.)'' :'''Glenn:''' It's not real! :'''Terri:''' I thought I recognized her. You know, she was in ''[[wikipedia:Midsomer Murders|Midsomer Murders]]''. :'''Glenn:''' Why didn't you say anything? :'''Terri:''' I saw her in ''Midsomer Murders''. I thought she might've had a twin or something. :'''Glenn:''' What a stupid thing to... :''(While Glenn, Terri and Ollie continue arguing, Hugh sulks silently in the cupboard.)'' :'''Hugh:''' Fuck! Fuck! :''(But as soon as Hugh starts banging things and making noise, somebody opens the cupboard door: It's Malcolm...and he's not happy.)'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' You said 'she.' :'''Hugh:''' Yes. :'''Malcolm:''' Come out of the cupboard, Hugh. :'''Hugh:''' No. :''(Malcolm enters the cupboard.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Hugh, we have to sort this out. When I asked you about the focus group – :'''Hugh:''' Yeah. :'''Malcolm:''' – you said 'she' loved it. :'''Hugh:''' We gave her a one-on-one. :'''Malcolm:''' Why? :'''Hugh:''' She's Middle England. :'''Malcolm:''' So Middle England is a big fucking field, with ''one woman'' standing in it? :'''Hugh:''' Do you think Hewitt will find out? :'''Malcolm:''' OF COURSE HE FUCKING WILL, SHE'S HIS MOLE! THAT'S WHY HE'S GOT A PIECE IN THE PAPER TOMORROW! :''(Malcolm leaves the cupboard, with Hugh right behind him.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Glenn, Ollie, Terri and Hugh)'' We've got to shut this down now, right? I want this leaked to Angela Heaney. It's damage control, OK? We put out the story the way ''we'' want it, before Hewitt fucks us up the bugle! Get onto it, now! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Hugh, Glenn and Ollie are trying to defend themselves. Terri's on the phone trying to contact Angela Heaney.)'' :'''Hugh:''' I didn't know that she's an actress! :'''Glenn:''' No, exactly! We, we've been lied to! We've been abused! We are the victims of abuse! :'''Terri:''' ''(holding the phone)'' Ollie? :'''Ollie:''' Shut up! :'''Terri:''' Can you call her? :'''Ollie:''' Yes, I'll call her! :''(Malcolm re-enters the picture.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Hugh)'' How could I know you are a broken vase? :'''Hugh:''' What the fuck are you talking about? :'''Malcolm:''' You're a broken vase! :'''Hugh:''' How do I know she's an actress? I never watch television! That's why you have to give me a stupid tape! :''(Hugh comes up with a plan...)'' :'''Hugh:''' Listen, we're gonna get her in, we're gonna talk to her, she'll meet us...I will talk to her because I'm good with people. She can help us, she'll see our point of view, we'll be fine. :'''Malcolm:''' Well, I hope so. I hope that's what gonna happen. :'''Ollie:''' Or we kill her. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Later that night, Malcolm, Hugh, Glenn and Ollie are talking to Mary. They're discussing what's going to happen because of her being an actress in a focus group.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Mary)'' Do you just want to think about what is going to happen tomorrow? :'''Hugh:''' Because tomorrow, you are gonna find the press all over you – :'''Mary:''' In a good way? :'''Hugh:''' No, not in a good way at all, I can tell you – :'''Malcolm:''' You know that film ''[[Notting Hill]]'', have you seen that? :'''Glenn:''' She's probably fucking in it. :'''Malcolm:''' You know that bit where the guy opens the door – :'''Mary:''' What is this? :'''Malcolm:''' – and there's like millions of journalists and hacks and photographers and all flashbulbs are going off? In about four hours time, that's gonna be you, darling: they're gonna be all over you like fucking cockroaches. :'''Hugh''' ''(trying to comfort Mary)'': It's OK, it's OK. :'''Malcolm:''' No no no no no no no no, it's NOT OK! It's not gonna be OK, and I'll tell you why: Because you're fair game. So I hope your knickers are clean. Because every seat-sniffing little shitbag that's ever filed a byline is gonna be questioning you. 'Cause now, it's in the fucking public interest, isn't it? And they're gonna hit you with any shit they can find and you're gonna be spread out there in front of them like a trollop in the [[wikipedia:Stocks|stocks]]! :'''Mary:''' I still don't really understand what's going on. :'''Malcolm:''' We can hold those dogs back, right? :'''Mary:''' What do you mean? :'''Malcolm:''' We can get you a nice journalist, yeah? :'''Glenn:''' Yes, exactly. :'''Malcolm:''' We can get you a nice young journalist, Angela Heaney...and maybe you...maybe you, I mean I don't know what shit that he made you sign, but whatever it was, it was bullshit. Maybe if you just say that, you know, uh, you were misquoted and also that Simon Hewitt's a prick, right? If you just said that... :'''Mary:''' Who? :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, the journalist that you told your story to. :'''Mary:''' I, I didn't...I didn't talk to any journalist. :'''Malcolm:''' You spoke to Simon Hewitt. :'''Mary:''' No, I... :'''Malcolm:''' You fucking spoke to Simon Hewitt, he's a fat guy with a tiny little dick the size of a bookie's biro. You fucking spoke to him. :'''Mary:''' ''(getting mad)'' I'd like to go now! :''(Now, ALL the guys are shouting!)'' :'''Glenn:''' Did you speak to Simon Hewitt? :'''Mary:''' No! I don't even know... :'''Hugh:''' You didn't speak to him. :'''Malcolm:''' She didn't fucking speak to him. :''(The guys are starting to realize that Mary's telling the truth.)'' :'''Mary:''' I don't know anyone called...Simon...whatever the fuck. :''(Malcolm starts yelling under his breath.)'' :'''Ollie:''' Hewitt. :'''Mary:''' Hewitt, yeah. :'''Glenn:''' She doesn't even know! ''(to Malcolm)'' Malcolm...Fuck's sake! :'''Mary:''' ''(talking about Malcolm)'' What's the matter with him? :'''Glenn:''' Ollie. ''(Glenn's motioning to Ollie to take Mary out of the room.)'' :'''Hugh:''' ''(to Mary)'' Sorry for anything I said that might have upset you. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(trying to apologize to Mary)'' Sorry, darling. Sorry, love. Just been crossed lines, darling. Sorry about that... :'''Mary:''' Will you leave me alone? :''(Ollie escorts Mary, who's understandably upset, out of the room.)'' <hr width="50%" /> :'''Malcolm:''' '''''FOR FUCK'S SAKE!''''' :'''Glenn:''' She didn't even know! :'''Malcolm:''' Fuck him! :'''Hugh:''' That didn't really work, did it? :'''Glenn:''' Is it too late... :'''Hugh:''' ''(confused and stunned)'' So can I just get this, this straight, just for my, just for my own sanity... :'''Glenn:''' Listen, if we get on the phone, can we pull the front page? :'''Hugh:''' No. It's too late. :'''Glenn:''' You mean Heaney's piece is gonna go ahead anyway now? :'''Malcolm:''' Of course it's gonna fucking go ahead! I mean, I'm good but I can't fucking hold back the tide, can I? Alright, that's it. That's it. I'm going to bed. :'''Hugh:''' Kind of ironic, really... :'''Malcolm:''' You're fucking on your own! ''(Malcolm angrily leaves, slamming the door.)'' :'''Hugh:''' ...because she, she hasn't actually spoken to, to Hewitt, uh...and we've, of our own volition, voluntarily released the story to the, to the press...unnecessarily. Um...Damn. <hr width="50%" /> :'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Can you wake me in a couple of hours? ''(Hugh lies down on a sofa)'' There's no time to go home, I'll just pass myself coming back in. ==Series 1, Episode 3== :'''Terri:''' Did you say we were gonna do a press release? :'''Hugh:''' Yes, erm, "Following a successful report stage debate, Secretary of State for Social Affairs, Hugh Abbot, today announced: 'I'm the fucking daddy!'"<hr width="50%" /> :'''Dan Miller:''' How are you, Glenn? :'''Glenn:''' I'm good, thank you – Actually, I just thought you were very heavy-handed with the backbenchers. No need for it in this day and age. :'''Dan Miller:''' Listen, Glenn. I mean, you know as well as I do, if you're going to make an omelette, you're going to have to have some frank and honest discussion with the eggs. And that's all I was doing. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm is in his office on his desk phone, trying to explain himself to a fellow government official.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' I'm not complacent, Tom. ''(beat)'' Yeah, I know we did take a hit over the-the-the focus group thing, but it wasn't a ''big'' hit. ''(beat)'' Oh yeah? Says who? ''(beat)'' Oh, the prime minister told you that, huh? Well, get you. ''(beat)'' Look, I can only cook with what I've been given. You know, it's like ''[[wikipedia:Ready Steady Cook|Ready Steady Cook]].'' You give me Hugh Abbot, I'll give you bangers and mash. But if you give me Gerry from the Home Office, well then, I can raise it to fucking risotto and scallops. Do you know what I mean? ''(beat)'' Yeah yeah yeah. Ok, ok. Ok, bye. <hr width="50%"/> :''(looking at Hugh's tie)'' :'''Glenn:''' What are those? They're little hippos, aren't they? :'''Hugh:''' I don't know what they are actually; I think they're just unidentified amusing creatures. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hugh:''' So what time does this ''[[w:Daily Mail|Daily Mail]]'' hack get here? :'''Glenn:''' Ten minutes, it's Angela Heaney, didn't I tell you? :'''Hugh:''' So she left the ''[[w:Evening Standard|Standard]]''? :'''Glenn:''' That's right, absolutely. :'''Hugh:''' Go on then: ask me some questions. :'''Glenn:''' Right, OK, I'll be Angela Heaney, and I'll ask you some questions. :'''Hugh:''' My God, that's uncanny. Mind you, your tits are a bit bigger than hers. :'''Glenn:''' Is it true that, although this Housing Bill went through Parliament with incredible ease – :'''Hugh:''' Actually, can you just do it as yourself? Sorry, it's just slightly unsettling. :'''Glenn:''' Right, erm – that you'll find a lot of difficulty in the real world? :'''Hugh:''' On the contrary, this Bill is going to do an extraordinary amount of good for an extraordinarily large number of people. Ordinary people, but ordinary people who ''deserve'' a little bit of the extraordinary in their lives. :''(both start giggling)'' :'''Glenn:''' Perfect. That's brilliant. That's brilliant! :'''Hugh:''' It's a piece of piss. :'''Glenn:''' There you are, you see. :'''Hugh:''' Go on, ask me something hard. :'''Glenn:''' Where's the [[w:Nazi gold|Nazi gold]], you donkey-shagger? :'''Hugh:''' I'm very pleased you asked me that, Angela, because let me just say right away that this Bill is going to do an extraordinary amount of good for an extraordinarily large – <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm''' ''(in his office, on his mobile)'': Hi Tom, what can I do for you? ''(beat)'' Well, I-I didn't know what he was doing with his flat – I told him that fucking flat w– Well, they're not running with this – No, well, I know, he's got-he's got an interview now with that-that-that Angela Heaney, you know, the twat bubble from the ''Standard'' – Fuck, she's just gone to the ''Mail''. I'm onto it. ''(Malcolm hangs up and leaves his office.)'' <hr width="50%"/> :''(After a LOT of running, Malcolm finally arrives at the floor where Hugh is talking to Angela Heaney.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' WHERE THE FUCK IS HE??? :'''Ollie:''' He's in the goldfish bowl! :'''Malcolm:''' Fuck! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Hugh is still talking to Angela.)'' :'''Hugh:''' No, no. Look, I'm very glad you brought that up, because that -- gives me...that gives me the opportunity to...Sorry...I...''(Hugh's looking at Malcolm through the 'goldfish bowl')'' Just mucking about...Um... :'''Hugh:''' I have always maintained very clearly... :'''Malcolm:''' ''(opening the door)'' Hi, Angela. Sorry, sorry, sorry, can I just borrow the Minister for a moment? :'''Hugh:''' Sure. Sorry, be right back with you. :''(Barely audible, outside the 'goldfish bowl' where Angela was interviewing Hugh...)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Hugh)'' They're running about your fucking flat, I fucking told you about that. How the fuck did you think it was gonna run, you STUPID CUNT?! How am I supposed to control what's going on if I don't know WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON? YOU'RE A FUCKING PRICK! AN ABSOLUTE CUNT! DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT? :''(While Malcolm is still yelling at Hugh, Terri opens the door to the "Goldfish Bowl." She comes in and offers to get Angela some goodies.)'' :'''Terri:''' Angela, can I get you a fresh cup of coffee? :'''Angela:''' No, I'm fine, thanks. :'''Terri:''' Um, would you like some tea? :'''Angela:''' Nope, nope. :'''Terri:''' No biscuits or anything? :'''Angela:''' No. :'''Terri:''' Do let me know if you need anything else. :'''Angela:''' I will. Thanks very much. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Hugh)'' GET BACK IN THERE AND WRAP THIS BULLSHIT UP! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Hugh re-enters the 'goldfish bowl'...) :'''Hugh:''' Ah. Hah! Bit of a disagreement. :'''Angela:''' Blimey. :'''Hugh:''' Yeah. Um, could you...I'm just curious, could you hear? Because we were actually...We can be quite brutal to each other, because we're actually very, very good, good friends. :'''Angela:''' Right. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Moments later, Malcolm is in Hugh's office, arguing with Glenn and Ollie over the scandal involving Hugh and his flat.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Glenn)'' You haven't been accepting ''any'' offers? :'''Glenn:''' NO! :'''Malcolm:''' Jesus... :'''Glenn:''' Well, that wasn't the point! The whole deal was we put the flat on the market so if the press are asking us, we say, "Fuck off, he's selling it!" They'll go away and then, you know, Hugh's got a place in town! :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' What the fuck is your girlfriend doing hitting us with this, huh? :'''Ollie:''' Well, she's not my girlfriend, Malcolm. So I've no idea. :'''Malcolm:''' Oh, well you won't mind if I kill her then, will you? :'''Ollie:''' It'd solve a lot of issues for me, to be honest with you. :'''Malcolm:''' Hey! Hey hey hey, if you could sweet-talk that sour-faced bitch into dropping us you'd be sweet to me, you'd be very very sweet – :'''Ollie:''' If I could sweet-talk that sour-faced bitch into anything I would have had a more comfortable four months – :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah well, I'll just have to kill the both of you then, won't I? :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, well. :'''Malcolm:''' That's a joke, by the way, not a very nice one, a nasty one which masks a lot of very negative feelings about this fucking department. :''(Malcolm's cell phone rings...)'' :'''Malcolm:''' (looking at his phone)'' Oh, Jesus. Tom Davies. ''(answering)'' Tom! Hello, how are you? Yes. No no, he was already there when I got there, he was talking to her. ''(Malcolm leaves Hugh's office.)'' <hr width="50%"/> :''(Hugh re-enters the office as he and his team try to create an emergency strategy of sorts.)'' :'''Hugh:''' What is happening? :'''Ollie:''' What the hell was that? :'''Hugh:''' What is happening? That was supposed-that was supposed to be a nice interview. :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' What on Earth did you say to her? :'''Hugh:''' I think-I think I denied being a racist. I hope so. :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Hugh)'' You didn't say that you have lots of black friends, you didn't go... :'''Hugh:''' Of course not. Well, I haven't-I haven't got any. :'''Ollie:''' What did you say about the offers? :'''Hugh:''' ''(stammering)'' I-I-I said I wasn't, I wasn't...someone else was handling the sale and I wasn't aware of any offers. :'''Glenn:''' Hugh? :'''Hugh:''' Hmm? :'''Glenn:''' Did you mention me by name? :'''Hugh:''' ''(still stammering)'' Um, possibly -- No, I-I don't think -- I-I may in between denying racism, possibly have, yes. :'''Glenn:''' ''(displeased)'' Thank you. Thank you very much. Thanks a fucking bunch! :''(Terri enters the office.)'' :'''Terri:''' OK, so what's the line on this then? :'''Hugh:''' I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. What is-what is the line on this? :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh, still upset)'' I don't know! Don't look at me! :'''Hugh:''' But we need to have a line on this. :''(Malcolm re-enters the office with some surprise news.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' OK, we've got movement, we got a break. :'''Glenn:''' What? What? What? :'''Malcolm:''' The flat's sold. :'''Hugh:''' ''(in disbelief)'' ''WHAT?'' :'''Malcolm:''' To the Asian family, for 40 grand below the asking price. But that's alright. :'''Glenn:''' Jesus! :'''Hugh:''' ''WHAT IS HAPPENING?!'' :'''Terri:''' Malcolm? :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah? :'''Terri:''' We're too late. :'''Malcolm:''' What? :'''Terri:''' All the papers have got a hold of it. The ''Express'' has been making offers on it, at the asking price and also £30,000 more. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(stunned)'' Jesus... :'''Terri:''' Haven't been accepted. :'''Malcolm:''' We've got to stall. :'''Hugh:''' This is madness! I just own a flat, I haven't raped somebody! :'''Terri:''' ''(on her cell phone)'' Yeah, they're calling the scandal "Flatgate." :'''Hugh:''' ''Scandal?!'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(whispering to Terri)'' Flatgate?! :'''Glenn:''' Well, that's crap. It's a crap name for a scandal. :'''Terri:''' They should call it "Notting Hill Gate-gate." :'''Hugh:''' Can we at least stop calling it a scandal? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Terri, unamused)'' Are you joking? Are you joking now? :'''Terri:''' ''(leaving the office)'' On my way to stall. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, get stalling. :''(A moment of silence...and then...)'' :'''Hugh:''' Maybe we can just blame it all on Terri. :'''Glenn:''' That is an option, isn't it? <hr width="50%"/> :''(The next day, Hugh is in Malcolm's office...arguing about "Flatgate.")'' :'''Hugh:''' It's a flat! :'''Malcolm:''' It is a second home! In a borough with thousands of homeless people that you have kept more or less empty for ages! Have you not read your own Housing Bill, for God's sake? :'''Hugh:''' It wasn't-I only kept it empty for a little while to see my bloody family. Obviously, on reflection, I should have filled it with prostitutes and, and rent boys and crack cocaine pimp tattoo freaks. :'''Malcolm:''' Thanks to Dan Miller and his like, the Housing Bill is a success, but this is ''burying'' the whole thing! :'''Hugh:''' Well, what do you want ''me'' to do? ''Resign?'' ''(Malcolm stares at him)'' No, no! No, that is – I'm not going over this. :'''Malcolm:''' The way out of this situation is for you to – :'''Hugh:''' This is madness, Malcolm, this desire for perfection, that – I am not perfect, I am just a person, right? I need to sleep, I need to eat, occasionally I need to take a dump. So, I mean, what's next, I mean, do we put that on the evening news, on the front page? "Minister is disgusting defecation outburst". [[wikipedia:Mollie_Sugden|Mollie Sugden]] at Number 10: "Did you enjoy your shit, Mr Abbot?" They should just clone ministers, you know, so we're born at 55, with no past, and no flats, and no genitals. Just a world of robots in a sort of – It's like a futuristic film, and you'd enjoy that, wouldn't you? You'd be in your little space station surrounded by obedient androids, like that fucking brushed-aluminium Dan Miller cyber-prick! :'''Malcolm:''' It ''is'' possible to have a good resignation, you know! :'''Hugh:''' ''A good resignation?'' Oh, I'm looking forward to how you're gonna sell ''this'' to me! :'''Malcolm:''' Look, people really like it when you go just a bit early! You know, steely-jawed, faraway look in your eyes! Before they're getting to the point when they're sitting round in the pub saying "Oh, that fucker's got to go", you ''surprise'' them! "''Blimey'', he's gone, I didn't expect that! Resigned? You don't see that much anymore! Old school! Respect! I rather liked the guy! He was hounded out by the fucking press!" How about that, huh? What a way to go, yeah? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ollie:''' You know, I'm just the counter man in [[w:McDonalds|McDonald's]], I'm not that important, frankly; you're the clown running the shop, you're the one that they want to see strung up from a lamppost by his fucking wig. :'''Glenn:''' What does that make me? :'''Ollie:''' [[w:Ronald McDonald|Ronald McDonald]]. :'''Glenn:''' Well, fuck off! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' "Department of Social Affairs", Department of Fucking Shocking, Shitty, Charlatan, ''Shits!'' That's what – ''(to Ollie)'' Feet off the furniture, you [[wikipedia:Oxbridge|Oxbridge]] twat! You're no' on a [[wikipedia:Punt_(boat)#Punting_in_England|punt]] now. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hugh''' ''(to Dan Miller)'': I've missed my ideal resigning point. With every day I delay, it's another year before I can get back again. If I had resigned the day I was appointed, I'd actually be Prime Minister by now. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hugh:''' Social Affairs, what the fuck does that actually mean? You know, it's so vague. You know, 'Hello, I'm Hugh Abbot, the Minister for, I dunno, stuff'. ==Series 2, Episode 1== :''(Ollie has had sex with Emma. And he realizes the whole office knows about it -- much to his dismay.)'' :'''Ollie:''' Terri, is, uh -- ''(Ollie instead sees Robyn Murdoch.)'' Oh, hello, Robyn. Where's Terri? Is she not... :'''Robyn Murdoch:''' ''(smiling)'' Well, morning, Mr. Lover-Loverman! :'''Ollie:''' Does -- Does nobody else ever shag anybody else in Westminster? :'''Glenn:''' ''(pretending to be seductive)'' ''Hey, Horatio!'' ''(beat)'' How's it hanging? :'''Ollie:''' It's hanging fine. :'''Glenn:''' Sleeping with the opposition, I hear, hey? :'''Ollie:''' Not all of them. :'''Glenn:''' What do they do? Do they keep a tight hold on the fiscal, um, the fiscal, you know, um... :'''Ollie:''' Scrotum? What? What? :'''Glenn:''' ''(beside himself)'' Shagging the opposition. Never would have happened in my day. :'''Ollie:''' Well, she's not my opposite number, Glenn. 'Cause Levitt has gone to Shadow Defence, so she's doing Shadow Defence, so she's no longer Social Affairs, so... :'''Glenn:''' Did you manage to do some good while you were there and steal a few policy papers? :'''Ollie:''' It's hard to know why you're so unsuccessful with the opposite sex. I'll tell you what, though... :'''Glenn:''' I never fucked Terri. :'''Ollie:''' Oh, Terri. Did you not know? :'''Glenn:''' No. :'''Ollie:''' Malcolm's, um... :'''Glenn:''' Malcolm's what? :'''Ollie:''' Binned her. She's gone. :'''Glenn:''' You're jo... :''(At this moment, Hugh enters the office -- and even HE knows about Ollie's night of romance with Emma!)'' :'''Hugh:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Morning, studmuffin. Enjoy your walk on the wild side? How was your dip in the wild blue – pussy? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Glenn:''' Hugh, I have some wonderful news for you. Terri's gone. :'''Hugh:''' What? :'''Glenn:''' Terri. Terri's gone. :'''Hugh:''' What do you mean "gone?" :'''Ollie:''' Uh, yeah. A resignation bluff that went awry. :'''Hugh:''' ''(very happy)'' NO! YES! OH, RESULT! WHOO! WHOO! ALL RIGHT! COME ON! HIGH FIVE! :''(But Robyn comes into the office to deliver some sad news about Terri's father.)'' :'''Robyn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' Secretary of State, um, just to let you know, Terri's father's, uh, had a stroke. It's pretty serious, um, so she's gonna be gone quite awhile. :'''Hugh:''' ''(much more sympathetic)'' I'm...Oh dear, that's awful. I'm so sorry. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm and his second-in-command, Jamie, are having a good, lively talk while walking to Malcolm's office.)'' :'''Jamie:''' Where's Neil? :'''Malcolm:''' Leicester, poor fucker. You'd think that once you'd achieved a certain status, you might have been excused visiting Leicester, wouldn't you? :'''Jamie:''' Have you seen the whips' numbers? :'''Malcolm:''' NoMFuP. :'''Jamie:''' Eh? :'''Malcolm:''' NoMFuP, N-O-M-F-P, Not My Fucking Problem – I quite liked that, did you like that? :'''Jamie:''' Yeah, it's very good. :'''Malcolm:''' I think I'll use that quite a lot today. :'''Jamie:''' I'll use it as well. :''(Malcolm spots a journalist he's very happy with for doing a good profile on a government Minister.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to the journalist)'' OH HO HO! Well done with Fatty's profile. Very very good. I nearly liked the enormous fucker reading it. :''(Malcolm and Jamie continue their conversation.)'' :'''Jamie:''' What if the MOD breaks tonight? What I'm hearing is the overspend's getting more brutal by the hour. ''(Both men enter Malcolm's office.)'' They're talking about topping off at one-one and a half billion. Obviously, that's a lot of nurses. :'''Malcolm:''' Or one fantastically enormous robotic one, yeah? :'''Jamie:''' Obviously, yeah. :'''Malcolm:''' And how's the Minister? :'''Jamie:''' He's shitting himself. ''(laughs)'' He's practically kissing his driver goodbye. He said he felt like he was "in the Twin Towers on 9/11, just fucking waiting." :'''Malcolm:''' Oh, for fuck's sake. But everybody knows their lines, yeah? IT projects always overspend. :'''Jamie:''' Oh, yeah, yeah. :''(Malcolm's loyal personal assistant, Sam, enters the office. She has some papers for Malcolm to look over and sign.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Sam)'' Do you think you could manage to get me a decent cup of tea? Would that be possible? :''(Sam readily agrees.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Thank you. Try not to drip in it. :''(After Sam leaves the office, Malcolm continues his chat with Jamie.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Jamie)'' I tell you the thing that's worrying me is, er – is this dodgy? :'''Jamie:''' I don't know. The kid's firm was the second lowest bid. He says they never talked. What does it matter? :'''Malcolm:''' No, but you know me, I'm a man of principle. :'''Jamie:''' Oh, I know. :'''Malcolm:''' I like to know whether I'm lying to save the skin of a tosser or a moron. :'''Jamie:''' Probably a moron. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Ollie is preparing for his trip to Number 10 in Hugh's office.)'' :'''Hugh:''' ''(looking at Ollie's cell phone)'' Is this yours? Is this new? :'''Ollie:''' Uh, yeah. I thought I'd get it for Number 10. :'''Hugh:''' It's got a camera on it? :'''Ollie:''' Yeah. Yeah, it's on the back. :'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Happy slap him. Go on. :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Hugh)'' How do you know about happy slapping? How do ''you'' begin to know about... :''(But before Ollie could finish the question, Glenn gives Ollie a "Happy Slap" upside the head!)'' :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Get off! :'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Hang on, I missed it. No, will you do it again? :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Hugh)'' That's assault. :''(Glenn happy slaps Ollie again.)'' :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Get off, will you? :'''Hugh:''' ''(to Ollie)'' No, listen, it's all right, we can doctor the crime figures. :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' I really like this! :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' I'll punch you in your substantial gut. :''(And then, Robyn gives Ollie a happy slap, too!)'' :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Robyn)'' Fucking hell, Robyn! You little fucker! :''(Hugh and Glenn are laughing at Ollie's expense. Then, after the laughter dies down, the 2 of them decide to take a selfie of themselves on Ollie's cell phone.)'' :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' We should take one of us, so he's got something to remember us by. :''(Glenn takes the pic.)'' :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' Because, you know, at the end of the week, you're gonna be head of the Policy Unit. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, then you'll both be out. :'''Hugh:''' Giving head to the Policy Unit. :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' Hugh, can we, uh, do the prep for the factory visit now? :'''Hugh:''' Yeah. :'''Glenn:''' We're gonna get there at about 12, 12:30, okay? :'''Ollie:''' Forgot the, um... :''(Ollie picks up something from Hugh's desk -- and then gives Glenn a happy slap upside his head! Then, Ollie leaves.)'' :'''Glenn:''' ''(annoyed)'' Stupid boy. :'''Hugh:''' That ''was'' funny. :'''Glenn:''' That was funny? :'''Hugh:''' Yeah. :'''Glenn:''' I don't think it was funny. :'''Hugh:''' I'm an elected representative of the people. :'''Glenn:''' Yes? :'''Hugh:''' It was funny. <hr width="50%"/> :''(As Ollie is waiting outside Malcolm's office, Malcolm is yelling out for Sam again.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' SAM! :''(Sam comes toward Malcolm's office.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Sam, a coffee and a fucking skinny muffin, if that's possible. ''(Malcolm then sees Ollie.)'' What the fuck are ''you'' doing ''here?'' :'''Ollie:''' I thought you said today, Malcolm. Did you not say... :'''Malcolm:''' I mean what are you doing there? Come on! :'''Ollie:''' All right, sorry. I just didn't want to interrupt you, I never know what you're doing in your – :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well if the PM's giving me a blowjob I always put a sign up. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Robyn Murdoch is a senior press secretary for the Department of Social Affairs. She is traveling with Glenn and Hugh to their factory visit.)'' :'''Robyn:''' I've confirmed that they'll definitely be a regional news team filming our arrival, plus there will be four local papers. :'''Hugh:''' Regional news? :'''Glenn:''' No nationals? :'''Robyn:''' Well, this is very much a regional event. You know, I didn't think that... :'''Hugh:''' Robyn, all events are regional, hmm? Everything that happens in the world has to happen somewhere. Do you see? Even JFK's assassination was a regional event. But it was also very important. Hmm? Like this factory visit? You see that? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Geoff Holhurst)'' How much fucking shit is there on the menu, and ''what fucking FLAVOUR is it?'' :'''Ollie:''' ''(on the phone to Emma)'' Oh, Malcolm? No no, that's – I'm in a Scottish restaurant, some man's complaining 'cause they've under-fried his Mars Bar – yeah, of course it's Malcolm! ''(beat)'' Well, Malcolm's all sound major. That's him every day. It's like this furnace of shit. It's not -- it's not good for my system. :'''Geoff Holhurst:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Christian's firm put in the second lowest tender. That's Point 1. :'''Ollie:''' ''(on the phone to Emma)'' Do you fancy meeting up? Maybe tomorrow night? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Geoff)'' You're ''worse'' than dead meat. I don't know why you're laughing. You're too toxic to even feed to the vultures. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Hugh, Robyn, and Glenn arrive at the factory for their visit. Hugh gets out of the car first so he can say hello to the factory's employees.)'' :'''Hugh:''' Hello. Hello, Hugh Abbot. Nice to meet you. Hello. :''(But as soon as he starts saying hello to the employees, Hugh is caught off guard by a surprise confrontation from one of the workers!)'' :'''Factory Woman:''' Do you know what it's like to clean up your own mother's piss? :'''Hugh:''' I'm sorry? :'''Factory Woman:''' Do you? I mean, she was in that home for 16 weeks. Do you know what it's like to clean up your own mother's piss? :'''Hugh:''' That's, that's, that's very tough, isn't it? That's very, very tough, and our hearts, all our hearts, go out to you. :'''Factory Woman:''' But do you know what it's like to get down and clean up your own mother's piss? :'''Hugh:''' I-I think that I'm probably not the right person to talk to about this. :'''Factory Woman:''' Who ''do'' I talk to? :'''Hugh:''' Urinary and affairs like that are probably more, more Health. So anyway, lovely to talk to you... :''(Hugh turns his attention away from the woman and towards the factory, talking to a factory supervisor.)'' :'''Hugh:''' What a fantastic -- What a fantastic landscaping! I really do think it makes an enormous difference to the workplace when you have this relationship with... :''(But the Factory Woman won't let up.)'' :'''Factory Woman:''' But is that your answer? Is that your answer? :'''Hugh:''' Can I just say, we'll get someone to, to note your, your case and do what we can about it. :'''Factory Woman:''' You'll get someone to note my case?! ''Nobody's'' noted my case! :''(And when she sees Hugh touching her arm, she REALLY gets livid!)'' :'''Factory Woman:''' STOP IT DON'T TOUCH ME! WHAT ARE YOU TOUCHING ME FOR? YOU DON'T KNOW ME! YOU DON'T EVEN WANT TO KNOW ME, DO YOU? :'''Hugh:''' (stammering) I know, I do want, I would like to get to know you. I've just... :'''Factory Woman:''' OH, WHY ARE YOU WALKING AWAY FROM ME, THEN? Would you like to know the facts? I'll tell you about the facts. :'''Glenn:''' The minister would love to know the facts. :'''Factory Woman:''' There are two qualified nurses out of all those care assistants. Only two! :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh, quietly)'' Give her a smile... :'''Factory Woman:''' The rest are only kids! :''(Hugh gives the Factory Woman a sheepish smile, but that just makes the situation worse...)'' :'''Factory Woman:''' WHAT ARE YOU SMILING AT? WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT? DO YOU THINK IT'S FUNNY? DO YOU THINK I'M FUNNY? DO YOU THINK MY MOTHER'S PISS IS FUNNY? WELL, IT'S NOT FUNNY! SHE'S NOT LAUGHING! SHE'S PISSING HERSELF! I'M NOT LAUGHING! I'M CRYING! <hr width="50%"/> :''(A short while later, Hugh, who is on a higher level in the factory, is talking to Glenn on his cell phone. Glenn is on the ground level...and that pesky Factory Woman is screaming right at him!)'' :'''Hugh:''' Glenn? Is she still saying it? :'''Glenn:''' Oh God, yes. (Glenn turns to the Factory Woman.) Would you please just give me a moment? :''(Glenn continues his conversation with Hugh on his cell phone.)'' :'''Glenn:''' Yes. Yes, she's banging on about it even now. The trouble is, Hugh, they reckon they've got some great shots. You know... :'''Hugh:''' ''Great shots?'' :'''Glenn:''' The thing is: Don't panic. :''(The Factory Woman finally gets more of her 2 cents in...)'' :'''Factory Woman:''' ...BECAUSE IT'S DISGUSTING! YOU CANNOT TREAT PEOPLE LIKE THIS! :''(Glenn's patience has finally run out.)'' :'''Glenn:''' CAN YOU PLEASE SHUT UP FOR ONE FUCKING MINUTE? I'm asking nicely. Please! :''(Glenn finishes his phone conversation with Hugh.)'' :'''Glenn:''' Now, Hugh -- look, I'm gonna have to hang up. :'''Factory Woman:''' Did you enjoy that? Did you enjoy that? <hr width="50%"/> :''(Meanwhile at Number 10, Malcolm and Jamie are having a stern chat with Geoff Holhurst's son, Christian.)'' :'''Jamie:''' ''(to Christian Holhurst)'' Your dad told us that he didn't know you worked for the company. You never told him. :''(Ollie's cell phone rings...)'' :'''Ollie:''' ''(answering his phone)'' Ollie Reeder? ''(beat)'' Um -- Sorry, who is this? :'''Christian Holhurst:''' ''(to Jamie and Malcolm)'' Obviously, he knew, but... :'''Ollie:''' ''(on his phone)'' No, I've never cleaned up my own mother's piss. ''(Ollie's talking to the Factory Woman.)'' Sorry, what? Who-Who are you? :'''Jamie:''' ''(to Christian)'' Well, you-you ''do'' talk to your dad? :'''Ollie:''' ''(on his cell)'' Well, how did you get... :'''Jamie:''' ''(to Christian)'' NO, YOU FUCKING DON'T! That is the wrong answer! The wrong fucking answer! :'''Ollie:''' ''(on his cell)'' Please don't be aggressive. I will call back. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Christian)'' You tell your corporate affairs people. Otherwise, I'm gonna come over there and fucking maim every single fucking one of them. Okay? Good to see you. All right? Well done, Christian. <hr width="50%"/> :''(In this scene, Malcolm has arrived at ITN, a news network, to meet Mark Davies, the news producer. Malcolm & Mark are in the production room discussing footage of Hugh being confronted at the factory by the Factory Woman.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(introducing himself to Mark)'' Mark? Hi, Mark Davies? I'm Malcolm. We've spoken on the phone. :'''Mark Davies:''' Yes. :'''Malcolm:''' Do you mind if I pop in? It's just -- I was in seeing Pam. and everyone started talking about the Hugh thing. :'''Mark:''' Yes... :''(Mark nods his head in agreement with Malcolm as they look at the footage.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Do you see what I have to work with? :'''Mark:''' I know, Malcolm. He doesn't look great, does he? :''(As they continue looking at the footage, Malcolm starts to attempt to play director.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Mark's assistant)'' That shot, are you going to use that? :'''Mark:''' Malcolm. :''(Mark doesn't want Malcolm touching the equipment.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Sorry, sorry. :'''Mark:''' Don't touch that. :'''Malcolm:''' This isn't in the package, is it, Mark? :''(Sure enough, Malcolm's inner director starts channeling inside him again.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Mark's assistant)'' You're not using that. You can't use that. ''(to Mark)'' This is dumbing down of the news agenda that people like me and your boss's boss really object to. And I'm gonna mention this to him when I see him on Friday, by the way. :'''Mark:''' Malcolm, this is a traditional old-fashioned news story, called 'Minister looks a tit'. :'''Malcolm:''' Hey, everybody looks a tit, you know? Take two of these shots of him looking moronic out. Leave a couple in of him looking a little bit dim, put one of him composed, drop it down the running order, and we've got a deal. :'''Mark:''' I'm not – Deal, what deal, Malcolm? He looks a tit, that's it. I'm sorry. :'''Malcolm:''' But there is a difference between allowing someone's natural tittishness to come through, and just exploiting it through camera work here! You're sticking one tit moment on top of another tit moment. That wouldn't happen in real life. And do you know about that woman? Have you made any inquiries into the background of that woman? :'''Mark:''' I'm sure my researchers have, yes. :'''Malcolm:''' Yes. Your researchers have? Well, well, I'm gonna tell you I don't think they have. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' Stats, percentages, international comparison, information! Email them fucking WADS of information! And tell them they'd better get their heads around it before they put pen to paper, or I'll be up their arses like a fucking Biafran ferret, right? COME ON, UNLEASH HELL! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hugh:''' Sometimes I...You know, when you meet the real...the actual people...Don't you ever, I mean, just look at the little, beady eyes and mean mouths sort of sneering, and...I mean, I know this is what they think people like me think, so I hate thinking it, but I just find myself thinking they're from a different fucking species. You know, with their T-shirts and weird trousers and tabards. Why do they wear clothes with writing on them? And why are they so fucking fat? :'''Glenn:''' I know, and stupid. :'''Hugh:''' God, I hate this place. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm and Jamie are about to give Ollie an important mission...)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Ollie. :'''Jamie:''' ''(to Ollie)'' We need you to fuck Hugh for us. ''(beat)'' Okay? :'''Ollie:''' ''(reluctantly)'' Okay. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' I need you to go over to Mark Davies at ITN, right? They're 50/50 on bumping Hugh up to top of the bill with the Piss Woman, right? Can you sort that out for me? ''(Ollie agrees)'' Good lad. Okay, see you later. :'''Ollie:''' ''(seeing a bag of chips from a bin on his chair)'' Oh nice, very nice. :'''Jamie:''' WELL GO FOR FUCK'S SAKE, YOU BIG FUCKING PRICK! I'LL CUT YOUR FUCKING EARS OFF, WE NEED IT DONE! :'''Ollie:''' When I met you this morning, I thought you were the nice Scot! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ollie:''' Fuck's sake. ''(Ollie answers his phone)'' Oliver Reeder. :'''Malcolm:''' Have you sorted it, Ollie? :'''Ollie:''' It's not quite sorted just yet, Malcolm, it's difficult – :'''Malcolm:''' Shall I send Jamie over? Would you like that? :'''Ollie:''' No, no – :'''Malcolm:''' You and Jamie and a rubber truncheon, locked in that fucking newsroom together. :'''Ollie:''' No, I'm fine. :'''Malcolm:''' Then make me happy. Bring me sunshine. :'''Ollie:''' Right, I'll make you happy, Malcolm. ''(Ollie hangs up)'' Dickwad. ''(Ollie's phone rings again. He answers it)'' Oliver Reeder. :'''Jamie:''' Hey all right, shitebag, you done it yet? :'''Ollie:''' I'm just in the middle of doing it right now, but every time I try – :'''Jamie:''' WELL, FUCKING HURRY UP! GET OFF THE FUCKING PHONE! :'''Ollie:''' ''(Ollie hangs up)'' Fuck's sake! ''(His phone rings yet again. He answers)'' I'm fucking doing it! I'm just – Sorry Emma, yeah, hi. I'm stuck in that meeting about equal pay. It's just – it's gone over. But, uh, but - Hey, you know, tonight. Are we still on? ''(beat)'' Yeah. Yeah, ''Solaris,'' here we come. Bye. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Hugh and Glenn are finally back from the disastrous factory visit, talking about...piss.)'' :'''Hugh:''' Have you, though? :'''Glenn:''' What? :'''Hugh:''' Ever cleaned up your own mother's piss? :'''Glenn:''' No, I never knew my mother, Hugh. As you know. :'''Hugh:''' Sorry. Have you--have you ever cleaned up your stepmother's piss? :'''Glenn:''' No, I never cleaned her piss. It wasn't that kind of relationship. :'''Hugh:''' No, nor me. Though I have to say, I've done Alicia's piss and Charlie's piss. I mean, you know, loads, loads of it. But, you know, it's only piss. It's -- Yeah, thanks. I mean, she was going on as if it was some sort of toxic waste or something, but it's, what's a bit of piss? <hr width="50%"/> :''(In the Number 10 Newsroom, Malcolm and the team are about to watch the ITN News.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' All right, folks, here we go. :''(The top story on the news is about Hugh's disastrous factory visit.)'' :'''News Announcer:''' ''Tonight, dramatic pictures...'' :''(The newsroom office cheers.)'' :'''News Announcer:''' ''...of voter anger over the NHS.'' :'''Jamie:''' ''(happily)'' Anything other than Number One spot is a big win. :'''News Announcer:''' ''...spin doctor thought our tape had stopped running.'' :''(Sure enough, Ollie's cell phone pic of Glenn appears on the TV screen...with the sound of Glenn getting mad.)'' :'''Glenn:''' ''CAN YOU PLEASE SHUT UP FOR ONE F$%@#!G MINUTE?'' :'''Jamie:''' ''(quite amused)'' Oh oh oh, he is so fucked! ''(to Ollie)'' Hey, good photo. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah. Well, you know, it's a good phone. :'''Hugh:''' ''What fantastic landscaping...'' :''(More howls of laughter emanate from the newsroom.)'' <hr width="50%"/> :''(Back at Hugh's office, Glenn is sitting in a chair beside himself. Hugh is pacing the floor.)'' :'''Glenn:''' Who do you think looked worse? You or me? :'''Hugh:''' Well, I mean, I looked bad, but you said bad. I suppose on balance, um, honestly...You, really. :'''Glenn:''' ''(quiet, but annoyed)'' Great. :''(Glenn's cell phone rings.)'' :'''Glenn:''' Oh. Go away. :''(Glenn hangs up on the call...and after a few moments...)'' :'''Glenn:''' I don't know if I'm gonna survive this, Hugh. They're gonna be all over me like shingles. ''(Glenn's cell phone rings again.)'' They are all over me like shingles! :''(Glenn hangs up on the call again...More awkward silence...)'' :'''Hugh:''' It'll be OK. :'''Glenn:''' Do you think? :'''Hugh:''' Yeah, it'll probably be fine. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Ollie has stopped answering his cell phone. Let's hear what his voicemails have to say.)'' :'''Hugh:''' ''(in a voicemail)'' Ollie, hi, it's Hugh. I just wanted to say thank you very very much. The way you shifted the spotlight onto Glenn was quite Tucker-esque, really very [[w:Machievelli|Malc-iavellian]], if you know what I mean. Well done, and bye bye. :'''Factory Woman:''' ''(in a voicemail)'' Hello, Ollie. Just seen myself on the news. Okay, let's get something done now. And, uh, I'll be phoning you every day until we do sort out my mother and her problem. Thank you. <hr width="50%"/> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Jamie:''' Oh, don't worry about Malcolm, he's only about half as scary as he thinks he is. Well, here, you can have this desk, it's free. :'''Ollie:''' OK. :'''Jamie:''' Don't worry, she won't be coming back. Hey, Joe, Joe! This guy is your replacement. I'm not fucking joking, by the way. Ollie, this is Frankie. Frankie, this is Ollie. ''(Ollie extends his hand to Frankie, who ignores it)'' Frankie, I don't know what happened, but I somehow – you know those numbers I asked you for? I never found them on my desk. Maybe somebody stole them. Or, maybe, maybe, you're fucking me around. And if you fuck me around again, I'll tell you something: ''(laughs slightly)'' I am going to rip your fucking head off, and shit right down into your neck, ''(grabs Frankie's head)'' and then I'm going to stick your FUCKING head back on, and SHIT ON THAT! ==Series 2, Episode 2== :''(At the start of this episode, Hugh is talking on his cell phone to someone about the impending "Cabinet Reshuffle.")'' :'''Hugh:''' ''(on his cell phone)'' No, Derek. I'm not presuming anything. It's entirely up to the PM. I'll just go wherever he wants me to go. I'm gonna have to go. Bye-bye. :''(Next, Hugh and Ollie, who's right behind him, both meet up with Robyn and congratulate her on getting a place at Malcolm's 8:30 press meeting.)'' :'''Hugh:''' ''(to Robyn)'' Good morning. :'''Robyn:''' ''(cheekily smiling)'' Morning, Minister. :'''Hugh:''' Are you just off to your 8:30 with Malcolm? :'''Robyn:''' Yep yep. :'''Hugh:''' First one? :'''Robyn:''' Into the Lion's Den, Viper's Pit. :'''Hugh:''' "The Belly of the Beast, the Lair of the White Worm." :'''Ollie:''' The Eye of the Snake. :'''Hugh:''' Not all the departments get asked to the 8:30, so... :'''Robyn:''' That's true. :'''Hugh:''' A great honor that we are in there with the big hitters. Always best to be inside the tent, pissing out. :'''Ollie:''' Absolutely. If you were, you know, doing this over at Environment and Rural Affairs, you'd be, uh, at 8:30 you'd be very much outside the tent, wouldn't you? Probably at Coffee Republic. :'''Hugh:''' Covered in piss. Good luck. You'll be fine. You don't need good luck. Yeah. :'''Robyn:''' What about the...piss? :'''Hugh:''' ''(reassuring Robyn)'' No no no, it's just a figure of speech. :'''Robyn:''' I'd better go. :'''Ollie:''' See you later, Robyn. :'''Robyn:''' OK. :'''Ollie:''' ''(looking at his cell phone)'' I'm sure there's a way of... :'''Hugh:''' ''(chasing after Robyn)'' Robyn! :''(Hugh just remembered to ask Robyn a question.)'' :'''Hugh:''' ''(whispering to Robyn)'' Robyn, sorry. Could you try and pick up any signals you can from Malcolm about -- about the, um...about the reshuffle? :'''Robyn:''' I've really got to go now, because I don't want to be late. :'''Hugh:''' Yeah, God, don't be late! :'''Robyn:''' Apparently, they shout things at the last one in. :'''Glenn:''' ''(entering the scene)'' If anyone shouts at you, they'll have to answer to me. I'll box his ears. :''(Robyn leaves)'' :'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Box his ears? If that was flirting, that was absolutely crap. :'''Glenn:''' What? :'''Hugh:''' Box his ears? How long is it since you've had sex? :'''Glenn:''' That is between me and my internet service provider. Anyway, about this morning's – :'''Ollie:''' ''(chuckling)'' You've actually gone red, Glenn. Look at you. :'''Hugh:''' Yeah, you have. Look, you've gone red. :'''Glenn:''' I have not gone red. ''(points to his folder)'' That's red. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah! :'''Hugh:''' Look, he can hardly walk properly. :<hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm Tucker is having his 8:30 meeting with all the reporters and press officers from various government departments.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(entering the room)'' Morning morning morning morning! :'''Everyone else:''' Morning. :'''Malcolm:''' OK, I want to have a little bit of a think about, um, some of our presentational issues with regard to yesterday. There seems to have been a bit of a problem last night with, uh, Liam on ''Newsnight.'' I would like to know why did we have a Minister on last night who did not appear to know their lines. :'''Reporter #1:''' It's not all his fault, Malcolm. We-we grilled him beforehand. :'''Malcolm:''' You grilled him? :'''Reporter #1:''' He's got a new baby. He's not getting enough sleep. :'''Malcolm:''' I don't care if he's got a new baby. I don't care whether he's tired. He looked like he didn't know what he was fucking talking about. Now I know he doesn't know what he's fucking talking about, but he's got to appear as if he does, right? ''(Malcolm starts pointing at all the reporters.)'' And that is your job and your job. ''(He continues pointing.)'' And yours and yours and yours and yours and yours and yours and yours and yours and yours. With all due respect of ministers, give them the lines. Right? :'''Robyn:''' Give them all the lines to say? :''(Malcolm introduces the other reporters to Robyn.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' This is the delightful Robyn. She's just with us today. She's standing in for, eh, Terri Coverley at the Department of, uh, Social Affairs. So let's be gentle with her, please. No remarks about the Department of Stuffed Anuses, or the Department of Stupid Announcements, or the Department of Sod All. ''(Laughter emanates from the room.)'' Right, next. :'''Robyn:''' Reshuffle? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Robyn, smiling)'' Yes, there is, uh, a pending reshuffle, I can see we're not gonna get anything past you! "There was a young girl from DOSA, who helped herself to a samosa." ''(Malcolm jokingly makes a karate chop.)'' Argh! Next time I'll come up with something. Just a bit of fun. Um...Yes, the reshuffle. No, yes, well, definitely, we-we don't know anything. ''I'' don't know anything. So, um, we can't say anything. But you know, even if we did, we wouldn't. But we don't, so we both can't and won't. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' ''(asked for a line about Julius Nicholson at his 8.30 meeting)'' 'Julius Nicholson is a hugely respected adviser. He now has a wide-ranging brief, and his blue-sky vision and helicopter thinking will enable this Government to go, in his own phrase, "beyond delivery, and beyond that".' That's the line, OK? And if he does stick his baldy head round your door and comes up with some stupid idea about 'policemen's helmets should be yellow', or 'let's set up a department to count the moon', just treat him like someone with Alzheimer's disease, you know? Just say to him, "Oh, yeah, that's lovely, that's good. We must talk about that later." OK? <hr width="50%"/> :''(Hugh is now at Malcolm's office at Number 10. Hugh wants to talk to Malcolm about the impending reshuffle.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(on his mobile)'' In no way, shape or form is it gonna have any ''(knock at door)'' – Come the fuck in, or fuck the fuck off. :'''Hugh:''' ''(entering)'' Well I'll come the fuck in then. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(back on his mobile)'' It's just something that Nicholson's flown, you know. It's a kind of brain exercise, like "What would it be like if men had tits?", you know? [[wikipedia:Mark_Mardell|Mark Mardell]], yeah, ''(laughs)'' that's pretty good, actually. All right, then. See you, then. ''(hangs up)'' Hugh? :'''Hugh:''' I thought you would want to know as soon as possible. :'''Malcolm:''' What? :'''Hugh:''' Terri's dad. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah? :'''Hugh:''' No news at the moment. :'''Malcolm:''' Right, so you've come to talk about the reshuffle, yeah? :'''Hugh:''' Yeah, I have. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah? :'''Hugh:''' In terms of shuffley stuff, how is Neil? I mean, is his heart... :'''Malcolm:''' Have you not heard? :'''Hugh:''' No. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(sighing heavily)'' He's paralysed. :'''Hugh:''' Oh no. :'''Malcolm:''' Neil's on wheels. :'''Hugh:''' You're kidding. :'''Malcolm:''' He's a vegetable. :'''Hugh:''' Oh my God. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. :''(A lengthy silence follows...and then...)'' :'''Malcolm:''' That means you could have his department. :'''Hugh:''' Oh, you are kidding. Well, fuck you very much. :'''Malcolm:''' Well, I know that you're looking for mouth-to-mouth in the reshuffle, but I don't know anything about it. I mean, the PM is still working it out on the back of a Coldplay CD as we speak. :''(It's time to meet Julius Nicholson, the Advisor to the Prime Minister. Julius is now entering Malcolm's office.)'' :'''Julius Nicholson:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Are you in, sir? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Julius)'' Oh! Mr. Julius Nicholson. :'''Hugh:''' ''(shaking Julius's hand)'' Hello, nice to see you again. :''(Hugh lets Julius have his seat, and Malcolm and Julius start up a conversation.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Julius)'' What proposals have you got for us today? How about a ban on sand castles? :'''Julius:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' I just wanted to find out if you're coming to my FSG briefing this afternoon. :'''Malcolm:''' FSG briefing? :'''Julius:''' Forward Strategy Group, Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' Well, you know, Julius, I think I'm just gonna have to send one of the -- I'll send one of the boys. I have got so much work to do here, what with this, uh, the MOD... :'''Julius:''' As the minister said to the prince, don't be surprised if we abolish you. I'll leave it with you. :''(Julius gets up and leave the office. Malcolm and Hugh resume their conversation.)'' :'''Hugh:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' That was a bit, um...Are you all right? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(annoyed)'' I'm fucking all right. I can fucking look after myself. :'''Hugh:''' Under the spotlight now, aren't you? :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well, ''you'' should just watch your own back, what with the missus dripping poison into the big guy's ear about you. :'''Hugh:''' Missus? What missus? :'''Malcolm:''' The Prime Minister's missus. Oh, what? You don't know? She doesn't like the cut of your jib, son. :'''Hugh:''' She doesn't -- She's hardly ''seen'' my jib. I just had a conversation with her at the New Year's party, that's all. ''(beat)'' Why doesn't she like me? I mean, what's not to like? :'''Malcolm:''' I mean, you just didn't click. :'''Hugh:''' ''(exasperated)'' We couldn't click! We were talking about the fucking Euro! How are you supposed to click over the Euro? It's fucking impossible. :'''Malcolm:''' Don't take it so personally. :'''Hugh:''' You're telling me she doesn't like me as a person! How else am I supposed to take it? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ollie:''' Robyn, can you send these back to archives, 'cause they're not even highlighted, I'm not going to plough through all that myself. While you're talking to them, I need the last four months of the European Digest. I'm going to be moving – :'''Robyn:''' Is it 'cause you fancy me, is that what this is all about? :'''Ollie:''' Sorry? :'''Robyn:''' Why are you so bloody rude to me? I mean, that's got to be the reason. Other people, when they come in here, they knock on the door and they say "hello", "good morning", "thank you" and "nice top" sometimes. :'''Ollie:''' Right, um, well, no. I mean, for a start, I don't fancy you. I don't know where you got that in your head, but it's probably best to get it out. If I'm slightly polite to you on a semi-regular basis, will that in any way bypass it? :'''Robyn:''' I think that would definitely do it. :'''Ollie:''' Right, fantastic. Well, thank you very much for the work you do; hi, by the way, how are you? :'''Robyn:''' I'm really well, actually. :'''Ollie:''' Great, that's great; you look lovely; can I have the fucking Digest, please? That would be terrific. :'''Robyn:''' All you had to do was ask me. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, well, all I did do is ask. ''(Robyn bends down to get something)'' Phwoar! ''(She gets up and stares at Ollie)'' It was a joke. <hr width="50%"/>'' :''(Hugh and Ollie are discussing the latest Cabinet meeting.)'' :'''Hugh:''' I did mention your great quiet carriages thing and he just – ''(pulls a slightly disgusted face)'' :'''Ollie:''' Well what does that mean? :'''Hugh:''' Fuck knows what it means, but I don't think it means, "Oh, Hugh, you're fantastic. Here, become Home Secretary". And even if it did mean that, when he's in bed tonight with Mrs PM, flossing, then she'll say, "What do you mean, Hugh Abbot as Home Secretary? The man is a social spastic and very probably a registered nonce, darling." <hr width="50%"/> :''(This scene starts with Malcolm on his desk phone in his office.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(on the phone)'' This is just another example of thinking out of the box by someone who's clearly out of his fucking tree. :''(Someone's knocking on Malcolm's door -- and that someone is Julius Nicholson. Again.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(on the phone)'' Alright, I've got to go. I'll talk to you later. :'''Julius:''' ''(entering the office)'' Ah, Malcolm Tucker! :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Julius)'' Julius Nicholson! What can I do you for? :''(Both men sit down in their chairs for a chat.)'' :'''Julius:''' I am keen to have a chat with, um, Keith Percival. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. Uh, that won't be possible. :'''Julius:''' And I need to read the O'Rourke papers. :'''Malcolm:''' I'm afraid not. Anything else? :''(Uh-oh...this is gonna be a long, uncomfortable conversation.)'' :'''Julius:''' Look, Malcolm, you and I both know full well that my power and authority flows directly from the PM. If you've got a problem... :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well, Keith is so busy with real governmental work that he doesn't have time to discuss with you your ideas and theories. The O'Rourke papers are not relevant to anything that we can actually action at this moment. :'''Julius:''' That's slightly funny, because when I played tennis with the PM -- which I do as I'm sure you know, every Sunday -- he was saying just how much he was looking forward to seeing that paper. :'''Malcolm:''' He does think that your theories are interesting. He tells me that, because, you know, I see him every day. I also see him on a Sunday when I get together with his family and I make the fucking waffles. ''BUT'' -- I cannot allow you to come in here and interfere with the actual process of government. :'''Julius:''' Malcolm, that is my -- that is my ''JOB!'' That's my job! :'''Malcolm:''' Well, you're doing it very fucking well. :'''Julius:''' Malcolm, I'm sorry. There are gonna be big changes around here. Get used to it. We'll announce all this at the reshuffle. :'''Malcolm:''' With all due respect, Julius, the reshuffle is the business of the PM and the PM alone, which means that that is my business. It is my remit. :'''Julius:''' No, Malcolm. Historically, yes. But now it's part of my remit. :'''Malcolm:''' Right. OK, I'll tell you what we should do. ''(getting up)'' Why don't we just get our remits out, slap them on the table, and see who's got the biggest fucking remit? :'''Julius:''' ''(standing up)'' Mal-Mal -- Malcolm, Malcolm, we need to talk about accommodation, we need to talk about access... :'''Malcolm:''' Accommodation? Why am I talking about accommodation? :'''Julius:''' It's a 21-man department. We can't fit upstairs. This is ideal. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(confused)'' 21 men in here? :'''Julius:''' Not just in here, no. This office here will be perfectly usable, for not only myself... :'''Malcolm:''' That's not an office. :'''Julius:''' Yes, it is an office. :'''Malcolm:''' It's a pantry. :'''Julius:''' Well, whatever it is, we will refit this out as a working office... :'''Malcolm:''' ''(opening the pantry door)'' Julius, it's a fucking pantry. Look. :'''Julius:''' So what? What we'll do is we will kick through this -- Bang, straight into the PM's private study. ''(Julius shuts the pantry door.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(talking while eating something)'' What are people gonna say -- when they come in and they say, "Where is Julius Nicholson?" :'''Julius:''' I'm here. :'''Malcolm:''' He's in the pantry! :'''Julius:''' ''(knocking on the pantry door)'' Here I am. :'''Malcolm:''' You know what they're gonna do? They're gonna ridicule you. :''(Malcolm and Julius are talking over each other, and then Malcolm cracks wise...)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''Where's the bankrupt in the cupboard?'' :'''Julius:''' Why are you behaving like a complete and utter prick? :'''Malcolm:''' I'm supposed to polish you up, burnish you up. Yeah, and when you get your big break and you're on fucking ''Call My Bluff'' or whatever it is, I'm supposed to... :''(Malcolm sees Julius heading for the door to leave the office.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Come back in here! Oi! Come back in here! JULIUS! Get the fuck back in here! :''(Julius reluctantly comes back in Malcolm's office, and Julius tries to lecture Malcolm while he's talking.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Please! Please! Come back. Let's be civilised. Let's-let's be civilised about it. Let's be civilised, come on. Let's be -- there ''are'' human resources, let's be civilised about it. Go over to your fucking pantry, right. :'''Julius:''' This is a perfectly usable office space... :'''Malcolm:''' ''(shutting the pantry door)'' Cool it for one minute, okay? Cool it. And just fucking cool it, shut up and fucking listen to me. This is an old fucking Georgian door. Do you know how long this has been here? :'''Julius:''' No I don't. :'''Malcolm:''' Since the time of Elizabeth I, at least. Now look at that. :''(Julius laughs in utter disbelief.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' That does not open. Look at it. Look at it. Try opening it. Come on. Surely, this is the kind of stuff you like. Character building, team building. Put your hand over mine. Try to open the door. Come on, Julius. It's my fucking pantry. :''(Malcolm and Julius are still talking over each other endlessly...)'' :'''Julius:''' It's not your pantry. It's my fucking pantry. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Discussing Julius Nicholson)'' :'''Hugh''': Can't we just kill him, shoot him? :'''Ollie''': What about we just fire him at a wall from a cannon. Just a wall two feet away. :'''Glenn''': I know, we force feed him with a mixture of garlic and Dettol in Cup-a-Soup. :'''Hugh''': What about the old red-hot poker up the arse? Edward II? :''(Julius walks in)'' :'''Ollie''': I'd like to nail him to a tree through the head and watch lice slowly crawl over his body, eating off the flesh in a slow and painful death, ''(having already noticed Julius)'' but that rather bitter anomaly aside, most of the responses to the Warwick report press cuttings were pretty positive. :<hr width="50%" />'''Hugh''' ''(to Ollie)'': I ''am'' desperate, but I don't really want to ''look'' desperate, like Glenn. :'''Glenn''' ''(entering)'': Oh, God, here we go again. Yeah, like Glenn, what? :'''Hugh:''' Well, I was just saying, the last time you saw a snatch was... :'''Ollie:''' ''[[wikipedia:Basic_Instinct|Basic Instinct]]''. :'''Hugh:''' You see, that's good. That's the kind of repartee I need with the PM's wife. It's that final k-tsssss! you see, that's the bit I'm missing. :'''Glenn:''' Yeah, well, I think you could drop the snatch material with the PM's wife, don't you? :'''Hugh:''' Well, OK, between the snatch and the Euro there's some sort of happy medium.<hr width="50%" />'''Malcolm''' ''(on the phone)'': He is not getting anywhere near my fucking pantry, I tell you that. That door is staying as open as a fat whore's bonehole.<hr width="50%" />'''Hugh:''' Sorry I'm late, traffic was an absolute bitch. No offence, Robyn. :<hr width="50%"/> '''Julius:''' It's Paul Webster, US Economics Secretary of State. He's unexpectedly coming over, and the Treasury are hosting a bash for him this evening. Don't tell me you've not been invited. :'''Hugh:''' Yes, no, I have. It's just that I'm actually bashing myself tonight. :'''Julius:''' So you – you've got your own bash here? :'''Hugh:''' Uh yeah. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah. :'''Julius:''' Ah! Back up, everybody, put the brakes on! We've got a bash happening here tonight and at the Treasury? :'''Hugh:''' Yeah. It sounds complicated but I like to, um, maximise my face. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hugh''': ''(telling a joke at his party)'' And Julius, Julius Nicholson, says, ”I'm sorry but I think you'll find you're sitting in my seat.” :''(No one laughs)'' :'''Hugh''': And this was to God, as I mentioned in the setup. Anyway, have a lovely time. ''(to Ollie, whispering)'' A fiver if you set off the sprinklers. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hugh:''' Why didn't you tell me, Glenn? What possible reason did you have? You saw me, I was swinging like a colostomy bag! :'''Glenn:''' Oh, Hugh, grow up! Stuff happens in this department every day, I can't tell you everything! :'''Hugh:''' Since when, Glenn, since when does the Secretary of State for Social Affairs have to find out ''from the fucking press'' that every morning at 8:30 I'm being fisted up to the gallbladder by a bald man? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' Right, guys, thanks very much for staying on. Julius Nicholson, right? :'''Glenn:''' Yep. :'''Malcolm:''' Blue sky thinker? Ex-business guru? Dog rapist? :'''Hugh:''' Quite possibly. :'''Malcolm:''' He's being a nuisance to me; he also has got plans to squeeze ''your'' department so hard you'll be lucky if you're left with one bollock between the three of you. So all I am doing here is asking you, formally, if you will join me in a little bit of a circle jerk. :'''Hugh:''' Circle jerk? What? :'''Ollie:''' It's when a lot of guys in a circle all, you know. ''(to Malcolm)'' Well, I assume you don't mean literally, do you? Presumably? :<hr width="50%" />'''Glenn:''' ''(on the phone to a journalist)'' Yeah I know it's probably bollocks, but that's what we all thought when Jim was up for Home Secretary, and then the next thing you know, he's given up the Colombian marching powder and taken up the sacraments. :<hr width="50%" />'''Malcolm''' ''(arriving at his 8.30 meeting)'': Morning, morning, morning! So what's the story in [[wikipedia:Balamory|Bala-fucking-mory]]? :'''A press officer:''' Reshuffle! :'''Malcolm:''' Excellent! You win a year's supply of condoms, which in your case is four.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Malcolm:''' So how was Cabinet this morning? :'''Hugh:''' It was good. Obviously, with reshuffle coming up, everybody's desperate to impress. Clare went round the room on a unicycle juggling burning kittens, but er – She didn't really, but what she did do was pretty embarrassing. :'''Malcolm:''' OK. :'''Hugh:''' And in terms of shuffle-y stuff, Carol ended up in Neil's seat. What do you think ''that'' means? :'''Malcolm:''' Well, I think that means that Carol wants to be nearer the biscuits, just in case her blood sugar level drops. That woman, she's unbelievable. I have seen her go into second reading debates with Pringles! Her star is somewhat on the wane, I think she's going a bit downward, actually, [[wikipedia:Secretary_of_State_for_Constitutional_Affairs|Constitutional Affairs]]. :'''Hugh:''' Ooh, that's gonna hurt, Constitutional Affairs, that's the [[wikipedia:Geri_Halliwell|Ginger Spice]] of the – :'''Malcolm:''' Of the what, Hugh? Of the what? :'''Hugh:''' Of the Gov– the whole – :'''Malcolm:''' Ginger Spice. Jesus Christ, what – what fucking century are you living in? :'''Hugh:''' There was a fantastic feature about Ginger in the ''[[wikipedia:Heat_(magazine)|Heat]]'' magazine. Apparently she shaves downstairs and she's working for UNICEF or some sort of – :'''Malcolm:''' Hugh, you are talking absolute fucking drivel.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Hugh:''' It looked like Fatty was the one who was on his way out, but now it could just as likely be me. :'''Ollie:''' Well look, Hugh, if you're worried about Fatty we can always start gently briefing against him, I know it's late in the day and, you know, obviously it's not the first thing that we want to be doing – :'''Hugh:''' Yeah, 'Abbot says Fatty's a twat'. Does that make Fatty look like a twat? I think it makes me look like a twat for calling him a twat. :'''Ollie:''' Mm – it doesn't have to be you directly, does it? That's the point. :'''Hugh:''' Robyn? Come on, it's like giving a child a firework. :'''Ollie:''' Well, not Robyn. :'''Hugh:''' Actually that's where your bit of skirt – sorry, whatever the modern – your ho, your ho could actually be quite helpful. If you were just to leave some compromising bits of anti-Fatty documents, you know, just lying by the loo – :'''Ollie:''' Whoa, whoa. Just blatantly using Emma, I'm really not comfortable with that. :'''Hugh:''' Can I remind you, in the last 12 hours you've described her as being 'as mad as a jackdaw on crack', 'castratingly right-wing zealot', and also 'disappointingly below par in the blowjob department', so why the sudden outbreak of principle?<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Glenn:''' Are you still in the frame for ''[[wikipedia:Question_Time_(TV_series)|Question Time]]''? :'''Hugh:''' I am, but I think they're gonna go for Fatty to take advantage of the widescreen option. ''(Ollie laughs.)'' Any, erm – Are there any shuffle-y rumours? :'''Glenn:''' Yeah, yeah. Rob thinks Gerry's got the Foreign Office. :'''Ollie:''' The thing about this, moving offices, just from one place to another, completely different, it's just fucked as a system, isn't it? Because if you – it wouldn't happen in any other job – if you were, you know, Professor of Medieval English in Oxford and you were sitting in your study and somebody came through the door and went, 'Hey, guess what? You're now, er, Professor of Zoology, we want you in the other [[wikipedia:Quadrangle_(architecture)|quad]]', you know, that would be mental, you'd be sitting in a room like a stuffed tit just saying to people, 'How many Os in Zoology? I don't really know, this isn't really my field', and all of that information that you've built up over years and years about [[Geoffrey Chaucer|Chaucer]] or whatever is of absolutely no use to you any more because Chaucer didn't really write about baboons. :'''Hugh:''' Ollie, these are very undergraduate concerns; my point is you don't have to be an expert to make decisions. :'''Glenn:''' That's why you have advisors, you twat. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, I am being serious, Glenn. :'''Glenn:''' Yes, so am I, you are a twat. :'''Hugh:''' I mean, the point is, a lot of knowledge is a dangerous thing. :''(Hugh's office phone rings; Glenn answers it)'' :'''Ollie:''' It's 'a little knowledge is a dangerous thing'. :'''Hugh:''' Well exactly, so a lot of knowledge is ''incredibly'' dangerous. ==Series 2, Episode 3== :''(A few moments ago, Hugh said that he does not want to close down schools for kids with special needs. He is now in his office discussing the Special Needs Bill with Glenn.)'' :'''Hugh:''' Glenn, the Special Needs Bill. With your, you know, particular interest, I can't do this. :'''Glenn:''' You know my views, you know. Inclusion is an illusion. It doesn't work. :'''Hugh:''' But you-you don't mind if I -- if I go ahead with it? :'''Glenn:''' Of course not. You know, look...you're only following orders. :'''Hugh:''' Oh, thanks. So you won't make me feel bad except by comparing me to a concentration camp guard? :'''Glenn:''' No. Right. Yeah. :'''Hugh:''' Now, tomorrow. Select Committee, that's Ballantine, isn't it? :''(But before Hugh and Glenn can continue discussing the Special Needs Bill, Ollie barges in and interrupts.)'' :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Hugh and Glenn)'' Sorry, I'm sorry to interrupt. Who wants to go and watch Bollockvision? :'''Hugh:''' Bollockvision? :'''Ollie:''' Mr. Malcolm Tucker, turning it all the way up to eleven, down in the lobby. Come and have a look. :''(They all go out onto the balcony. On the other side of the atrium, on their floor, Malcolm is shouting at another Minister.)'' :'''Hugh:''' Oh, poor Keith. Malcolm must fucking love this place: Four ministers in one building. It's his dream, a one-stop bollock-shop. :'''Glenn:''' Trouble is, we're gonna be getting some of that in about an hour. :'''Hugh:''' Yeah. I don't know which is worse, watching him slowly rumble towards you like prostate cancer, or him appearing suddenly out of nowhere like a severe stroke. :''(Terri, whose father died after a stroke, turns towards Hugh.)'' :'''Hugh:''' Oh. How's your sister coping? <hr width="50%"/> :''(The Department of Social Affairs has been renamed "The Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship" -- DoSAC for short.)'' :'''Glenn:''' So, Hugh, this -- this new word, 'Citizenship.' Did the PM actually outline what it entails? :'''Hugh:''' Well, to be honest, I think he was making the reshuffle up as he-as he went along, and I think we were very lucky that 'Citizenship' was the first word that sprang to mind. Otherwise we could be the Department for Social Affairs and Woodland Folk. :'''Ollie:''' See, the problem is, though, Hugh, that there's been a bit of a rush with you not in place. Uh, you know, every department trying to unload all the stuff that they didn't want. But it's been like somebody driving a lorry down Whitehall, shouting "Bring out your shit." And they have and it's ended up at our door. :'''Hugh:''' So what are we getting? :'''Ollie:''' Citizenship basically involves, uh, cutting pensions to the Ghurkhas, rejigging the protocols for a rabies outbreak, some crap from Health about long-term care for the elderly that neither they nor we have any real idea about. :'''Glenn:''' And what to do with the Isle of Man. :'''Hugh:''' ''(annoyed)'' Just what I fucking need. Five new ways to lose my job. :''(Hugh then starts eyeing a plant that he's just noticed is right next to his desk.)'' :'''Hugh:''' Where did that come from? :'''Ollie:''' Oh, Malcolm sent that. :'''Hugh:''' It's far too big. Why-why did he send it? :'''Ollie:''' Uh, office warming present. :'''Hugh:''' So why did he send us a present? :'''Ollie:''' I don't know. :'''Hugh:''' Has Security checked this? :'''Ollie:''' What for? Tiny little terrorists? :'''Hugh:''' Yes. :'''Ollie:''' ''(annoyed)'' It's a plant! Yes?! :'''Hugh:''' ''(moving on)'' Okay, so...citizenshit. What we need to do is knock together some nice, touchy-feely, fondley, sneaky, hand-in-the-bra sort of policies. :'''Glenn:''' New bicycles for special constables, that sort of thing? :'''Hugh:''' Yeah. :'''Ollie:''' Making special needs kids clean up graffiti? :'''Hugh:''' ''(displeased)'' Yeah, that's just very mean. :'''Ollie:''' Well, yes. Not, of course, as mean as making them spell "graffiti." That genuinely is very mean. :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh, calmly but not happily)'' I'll go and have a word with Malcolm. :'''Ollie:''' Okay. :''(After Glenn leaves the office, Hugh tries to reprimand Ollie for making a joke about special needs kids.)'' :'''Hugh:''' You just took a shit with your clothes on, Ollie. :'''Ollie:''' Why? :'''Hugh:''' Glenn's boy, Peter. He went to a special needs school. :'''Ollie:''' Oh. :'''Hugh:''' Yep. :'''Ollie:''' ...Glenn's had sex? :'''Hugh:''' God, you're such a prick, Ollie. :'''Ollie:''' It's just a joke! :'''Hugh:''' There's more to life, you know, than drinks parties at the Foreign Office and having [[wikipedia:Nick_Robinson_(journalist)|Nick Robinson]]'s mobile number on your fucking BlackBerry! :'''Ollie:''' Yes. All right, all right, fine. Sorry, Hugh. I feel for the guy. I had a girlfriend with special needs once, so I know. ''(smiles smugly)'' Luckily, I was able to fulfill them. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm joins Glenn and Hugh in the office.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' So did you enjoy the show? :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Malcolm, jokingly)'' You were magnificent, darling. :'''Hugh:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Yeah, should I phone Keith so that I can get his team to watch you bollock me now? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Hugh)'' No no no no. Have I got my bollocking face on? :'''Hugh:''' Well... :'''Malcolm:''' No. This is my bollocking face? :''(Malcolm shows Hugh his infamous "bollocking stare.")'' :'''Hugh:''' Oh, crikey, yes. Thanks for the pot plant, by the way. :'''Malcolm:''' Did I send that? :'''Hugh:''' As an office warming present. :'''Malcolm:''' Christ, she's a ''great'' P.A., isn't she, Sam? :'''Hugh:''' Yeah. :'''Malcolm:''' She always remembers the little people. ''(looking at the plant)'' Look at the size of that. Fuck, you could fucking crucify somebody on that. ''(back to Glenn and Hugh)'' So what do you think of the new building, eh? :'''Hugh:''' Yeah, I can't wait to move upstairs, actually, because I don't really like the glass walls on-on, on this floor. I just feel a bit exposed. :'''Glenn:''' Like a whore in a Reeperbahn window. :'''Terri:''' ''(on the phone, calling out to Glenn)'' Glenn, it's Ollie. He wants you to go through and clarify the Citizenship brief. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Terri)'' How much, love? :'''Terri:''' Sorry? :'''Glenn:''' Okay, I'm on it. :'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' I'll catch you later. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Hugh, smiling)'' I like your tan, by the way. :'''Hugh:''' Thank you. :'''Malcolm:''' Have you declared it? Staying at the villa of an influential friend? :'''Hugh:''' I-I haven't got any influential friends, Malcolm. You are my only influential friend. :'''Malcolm:''' Oh yeah. And I'm not really your friend. :'''Hugh:''' You're not really my friend. :'''Malcolm:''' So this, uh, Super Schools Bill... :'''Hugh:''' Yep. :'''Malcolm:''' You don't think it's so super, do you? :''(Malcolm gives Hugh the "bollocking stare." Again.)'' :'''Hugh:''' You're doing it now. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(unflinching)'' What? :'''Hugh:''' That's your bollocking face. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm and Hugh are now discussing -- or is it arguing over? -- the Super Schools Bill.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' You know, it's great that you get all misty-eyed over Glenn's kid. But no one's trying to fuck over special needs kids. :'''Hugh:''' R-Really? Really? Before I went away, I consulted an expert, Mark-Mark Ryan, and he... :'''Malcolm:''' The LSE education guy? And what did that sandal-wearing nonce have to say? :'''Hugh:''' What he said was that closing down special needs schools and putting needy kids into mainstream education is a lousy idea! :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, but I've got an expert who will ''deny'' that. :'''Hugh:''' And SEN parents want the special schools kept open. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well, my-my expert would totally oppose that. :'''Hugh:''' Who is your expert? :'''Malcolm:''' I have no idea, but I can get one by this afternoon. You see, the thing is you have spoken to the wrong expert. You've got to ask the right expert. And you've got to know what an expert's going to advise you before he advises you. Hugh, whether you like this or not, you are gonna have to promote this bill. So what I'm gonna do is -- I'm gonna get you another expert, yeah? :'''Hugh:''' ''(reluctantly)'' OK. <hr width="50%"/> :''(And so, on Malcolm's say-so, Hugh and Glenn are now meeting with Mr. Roy Smedley, a special needs children expert, to discuss the inclusion of special needs kids in mainstream schools.)'' :'''Hugh:''' But surely, Mr. Smedley, inclusion has been shown to fail the most vulnerable SEN children. :'''Roy Smedley:''' When inclusion's done badly, yes. Yes, uh, you're gonna get bad results. I mean, that's a given. :'''Glenn:''' ''(wearily)'' Inclusion is an illusion. :'''Hugh:''' Mark-Mark Ryan from the LSE was saying that when the special schools do get it right, that the parents of SEN children absolutely fucking flock to... :'''Roy Smedley:''' You spoke to Mark Ryan? :'''Hugh:''' Yeah, well, some expert advice, so... :'''Roy Smedley:''' ''(mockingly)'' OK. Expert advice from Mark Ryan? :'''Hugh:''' Yeah. You have a problem with Mark Ryan? :'''Roy Smedley:''' In educational circles, he's-he's a bit of a joke. That's another given. :'''Hugh:''' Is it? :''(Suddenly, Hugh's computer beeps with an e-mail alert.)'' :'''Glenn:''' ''(responding to the alert)'' Ah, sorry. It's just that I'm expecting, uh, something quite important. :'''Hugh:''' Is our-Is our e-mail up and running? :'''Glenn:''' No. No, no, this is my hotmail. :'''Hugh:''' ''(to Roy Smedley)'' Can you-Sorry, can you excuse me just, um... :''(Roy doesn't mind Hugh being a moment. BUT...Hugh sneaks over to Terri's desk computer since she's not at her desk. Hugh then sends an e-mail to Glenn...or at least who he thinks is HIS pal, Glenn Cullen. The e-mail says "Christ Alive! What a cunt !!!" While Hugh does this despicable thing, Roy continues talking to Glenn.)'' :'''Roy Smedley:''' ''(to Glenn)'' We live in an inclusive society, am I right? I mean, we-we all rub shoulders together, Mr. Cullen? :'''Glenn:''' Indeed. :'''Roy Smedley:''' So let's not let the Mark Ryans of this world create... :'''Glenn:''' Sorry? :'''Roy Smedley:''' ...apartheid for children. The alternative is to isolate these kids in ghetto schools. :'''Glenn:''' The minister won't be a moment. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Robyn, Ollie and Terri are looking at the atrium of the new building from their floor.)'' :'''Ollie:''' Good spot for a suicide, this, I would think: good long drop, appreciative audience. :'''Robyn:''' What if you just broke your back? You know, you'd be paralysed for life and then you'd still be depressed about the thing that was depressing you in the first place. :'''Terri:''' What are these, um, hangy-down things? :'''Ollie:''' Oh, they're [[wikipedia:Sound_baffle#Interior_sound_baffle_design|acoustic baffles]], they stop it getting too echoey in here. :'''Robyn:''' So when you're breaking your back, nobody can hear you screaming? :'''Ollie:''' Well, that is the kind of attention to detail that you get in a [[wikipedia:Private_finance_initiative|PFI]] building. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(spotting them from the ground floor)'' ''HEY! GET BACK TO WORK, ALL OF YOU!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''(Hugh has privately admitted to Terri that he sent the sweary email from her account.)'' :'''Terri:''' Now Hugh, are you going to do the right thing, are you going to admit to this publicly? :'''Hugh:''' Are you – What? No! Are you mad? I can't do that, that ''mustn't'' happen! ''You've'' got – I ''need'' you, to – :'''Terri:''' What, to lie? :'''Hugh:''' I think it was [[Jacques Derrida|Derrida]] who said there is no such thing as actual ''empirical'' truth, but only – :'''Terri:''' Yeah, ''I'll'' tell you what Derrida said, he said, 'Go fuck your face, Abbot!' :''(Terri tries to storm out of the door, but only belatedly notices the exit switch)'' :'''Hugh:''' You need to mind your language, it just will keep getting you into trouble. :'''Terri:''' ''(finally opening the door)'' I can't even get out the fucking room! ''(storms out)'' <hr width="50%"/> :''(Hugh and Glenn return from their Education Select Committee appearance.)'' :'''Ollie:''' How was that? :'''Hugh:''' I lied to the Select Committee. I lied! Is Tucker in the building? :'''Ollie:''' Malcolm in the Middle. :'''Hugh:''' What? :'''Ollie:''' It's just what they're calling him now, 'cause he can stand in the middle of the atrium and just shout at all the departments. :'''Hugh:''' Well I don't want to see him, not at the moment, I can't take one of his scenes from The Exorcist just now. :'''Glenn:''' Look, I don't think Ballentine's on to anything. :'''Hugh:''' Oh no? No? Well, why did she keep asking, 'Just one expert? Only one? Not two experts? Less than three but not two?' The fucking bitch. :'''Glenn:''' It's her style, look, she's just trying to throw you off balance like a sumo wrestler. :'''Hugh:''' Well it worked: there I was on the floor in a big fucking nappy. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hugh''': Christ Malcolm, how do you appear out of nowhere in a building made entirely out of glass? :'''Malcolm:''' I'm a shape-shifter. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hugh''': It's going to be like sitting on a tea crate, having chicken shit sprayed all over me. <hr width="50%"/> :'''A civil servant:''' I'm sorry, can you stop swearing please? :'''Malcolm:''' I'm really sorry, you won't hear any more swearing from us, YOU MASSIVE, GAY, ''SHITE!!! FUCK OFF!'' ''(to Ollie)'' Right, how are you doing in sorting out whether or not he lied or not, are you OK? :'''Ollie:''' Pretty well, yeah. :'''Malcolm:''' Is that a lie? :'''Ollie:''' Yeah. :'''Malcolm:''' That is not fucking funny, you retard. I'm sorry about that, Glenn. The situation just – <hr width="50%"/> :'''Claire Ballentine:''' Are you lying to me now about not lying to me before? :'''Hugh:''' No, I am not a liar. I categorically did not knowingly not tell the truth, even though unknowingly I might not have done. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hugh:''' I don't know what else can go wrong now. Unless the flexible energy system sets fire to my office and then puts it out by squirting liquefied human shit through the ceiling sprinklers. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm''': Hey, I'm going to have a swear box installed on Monday. :'''Hugh''': What? :'''Malcolm''': Fucking joking, you twat! I'm on turbo. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Terri)'' God, right, okay, well, seein' as you're not used to this, I'll go through it for you, okay? What happens at a press conference is this. A bunch of press people are gonna appear, they've got things called cameras and microphones and mobile phones and hangovers and bad breath. Then you are gonna walk out and you're gonna read from what we call a "prepared statement". In that you will say, "I'm really fucking sorry for sounding like a hairy-arsed docker after twelve pints. I promise that I will never call an 8-year-old girl a cunt again. Can we now just draw a line over this, and fucking move on. Thank you". Everybody goes home and then we wait and we see what happens. The best case is you get to keep your job, although you will forever be known as the Sweary Woman of Whitehall.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Ollie''' ''(on the phone to a man he can see in a glass office)'': Yes, but you can't just dump rabies on us because you don't want it. You're Health, that's your job! You should have rabies. Health should have rabies, right? ''(sees the man mime fellatio)'' Oh right, yeah, fine. OK. So we're gonna have to swallow this one, but if we have to deal with a rabies outbreak we're gonna do it so fucking well, you're gonna be frothing at the mouth – yeah, twice! ''(hangs up)'' You prick!<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Hugh:''' First day back from holiday, tanned, tawdry and cheap. I feel like something out of ''[[wikipedia:Footballers'_Wives|Footballers' Wives]]''. :'''Glenn:''' How do you know about ''Footballers' Wives''? :'''Hugh:''' Ollie told me. They all live in Chelmsford, have names like Madison and Chutney, they're an orange colour and they've got thongs up their cracks. ==The Rise Of The Nutters== :''(In the opening scene of this episode, Ollie Reeder and his girlfriend, Emma Messenger, are walking down the street together in the morning. Ollie and Emma are on opposite sides of the British political spectrum. Nevertheless, the two of them are enjoying some good-natured banter talking about their party leaders.)'' :'''Ollie:''' I'm extremely impressed. I'm highly impressed that you're going to see the leader of your party. :'''Emma Messenger:''' Good. You should be impressed. :'''Ollie:''' Although, ultimately, the leader of your party is just a man, really, isn't he? He's just a guy. :'''Emma:''' Ah, now that's a good point, actually, because yours on the other hand is... :'''Ollie:''' No no no no. Mine is... :'''Emma:''' What? :'''Ollie:''' ...the leader of the country also. What I'm saying is ''if'' we were playing Top Trumps, which we kind of are... :'''Emma:''' Oh, cor, we absolutely are, Ollie. :'''Ollie:''' I win. :'''Emma:''' Right. So it's Ben Swain Day today, is it? :'''Ollie:''' Yes. A Nutter in our midst. A junior minister for me to push around, you know. That's nice, isn't it? A bit more power for me. :'''Emma:''' You are an extremely powerful man, Ollie. :'''Ollie:''' Very powerful, very attractive sexually, due to all this power. :''(As Ollie and Emma get to Government Headquarters, they are met up with Malcolm and Jamie.)'' :'''Jamie:''' Hey, Poxbridge! :'''Malcolm:''' Hello! :'''Jamie:''' Hey, dickhead! Happy New Queer! :'''Malcolm:''' I'm really sorry, but I – don't be so offensive. I do apologise for my friend's behaviour. Did you have a nice Poof-mas? :'''Ollie:''' What are you two, um, doing round Richmond Terrace then? :'''Jamie:''' Oh, we're slumming it. Just going to see Julius, the big baldy ballbag. ''(to Emma)'' You must be, you, what is it? Gemma? Gemma? :'''Emma:''' Emma. It's Emma. :'''Jamie:''' Emma. Hi, Emma. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' What are you doing down here? :'''Ollie:''' I'm babysitting Ben Swain for the day. :'''Malcolm:''' Could you water my spider plants in my office as well? ''(to Emma)'' He's very good with the watering can. Very very bright lad. Homemaker. :''(And with that, Ollie and Emma share a rather awkward goodbye -- WITH NO KISS!)'' :'''Emma:''' I'll see you later. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, see you later. ''(Ollie rushes inside to catch up with Jamie and Malcolm.)'' <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm and Jamie are busting Ollie's chops about his relationship with Emma.)'' :'''Jamie:''' ''(to Ollie)'' So, the girlfriend, she-she doesn't mind the whole, uh, you being gay thing? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Did you take her home for Christmas? :'''Ollie:''' No. God, no. I couldn't do that. :'''Malcolm:''' Oh no, you couldn't do that, 'cause she wouldn't fit in. 'Cause you're that right dyed-in-the-wool working class, aren't you? She's probably allergic to pit ponies. <hr width="50%"/> :''(In this scene, Peter Mannion, the Leader of the Opposition, is having a chat with his adviser, Phil Smith. As they're entering Opposition Headquarters, Peter and Phil are discussing Emma's relationship with Ollie...and Phil just happens to be Emma's roommate.)'' :'''Peter Mannion:''' Are they actually sleeping together? :'''Phil Smith:''' Yes, yeah. In the flat. :'''Peter:''' Do you think she's on top or, what-what do you hear? :'''Phil:''' Well, I hear her say, "How do you like it?" And he'll say, "I've got to page Tucker." :'''Peter:''' Oh, God. ''(beat)'' Have I shaved properly? It's just we're-we're having the bathroom done and I was in the kitchen this morning using the kettle as a mirror. :'''Phil:''' No, you're very smooth. So it's a chrome kettle, then? :'''Peter:''' You've been watching ''[[wikipedia:CSI|CSI]]'' again, haven't you? :''(As Peter and Phil are walking up the stairs, they are joined by Emma, who is also Peter's advisor.)'' :'''Emma:''' Morning. :'''Phil:''' ''(to Emma)'' Oh, hello. How was sleeping with the enemy? :'''Emma:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Oh, hilarious. I forgot how funny you were. :''(The three of them are nearing the office...)'' :'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' What time are you seeing Stewart? :'''Emma:''' It'll be in about half an hour. What about you? :'''Peter:''' ''(groaning)'' Oh, I'll be last in. He's punishing me for standing against JB in the leadership contest by putting me in the [[wikipedia:Ryanair|Ryanair]] queue. :'''Emma:''' Come on, he got you that terrific photo op with the, uh, wind turbine thing on your house, remember? :'''Peter:''' Yes, and it cost me 12 grand. And I have to pay for the electricity bill to keep the bugger turning because, of course, there's no wind in the valley, I have to plug it in. But my next door neighbor has an England flag that just hangs there limply while my turbine mysteriously whizzes around. :'''Phil:''' Could turn the turbine round so it blows his flag. :''(Peter, Emma and Phil finally sit down.)'' :'''Phil:''' Right. What's up first, then, Peter? :'''Emma:''' While we're here, we could bat a few ideas around. :'''Peter:''' He wants something fluffy for the speech, does he? Environment? Tax breaks for aromatherapists? SatNav for asylum seekers? :'''Phil:''' Well, I was thinking about a departmental blog. :'''Peter:''' ''(groaning again)'' Oh, God. Really? :'''Phil:''' I could actually do the..the writing bit of it, because you wouldn't have time. :'''Peter:''' Well, I mean, I might as well, I've knack all else to do. ''(Peter turns to Phil)'' Though, um...to be honest, you-you sort it out. :'''Phil:''' I thought we could have like a guest book so that, kind of, you know, readers can kind of leave their comments. :'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' Are you sure? Have you ever Googled your own name? It's like opening a door to a room where everyone tells you how shit you are. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm, Jamie and Ollie are walking up the stairs to the offices at Government HQ, discussing Ben Swain.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Where's [[wikipedia:My Little Pony|My Little Phony?]] Ben Swain. What's his ''[[wikipedia:Newsnight|Newsnight]]'' angle gonna be, then? :'''Ollie:''' Ben? Ben is going on Newsnight? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(chuckling)'' Oh, you're a right little West Winger, you, aren't you? They're cutting you out of the loop already? :'''Ollie:''' Well, I'll check who the presenter is and obviously... :'''Jamie:''' The presenter is Newsbot 3.2. He's a nobody. He's a fucking scorch mark. :'''Malcolm:''' Paxo's in Kenya fly-fishing with [[wikipedia:Stephen Fry|Stephen Fry]] or whatever the fuck it is he does. Kirsty is sobering up in Kilmarnock with her gran, so she's out of the picture. :'''Ollie:''' Well, I'll just check the lines with Pat Morrissey, then. And then we'll... :'''Jamie:''' Pat Morrissey? :'''Ollie:''' Yeah. :'''Jamie:''' Her? What, Fat Pat? :'''Ollie:''' Yeah. :'''Jamie:''' "Pumpkin Tits?" :'''Ollie:''' Yeah. Pat and, uh, Communications have asked that everything be double-ticked through her from now. ''(to Malcolm)'' I mean, you get a tick as well. Obviously. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Oh well, well obviously! Yes, that's-that's very very nice and that's very fucking big of them! I get a tick! :'''Ollie:''' So I mean, it's, it's two ticks for a, uh, a green light, basically, that's the system. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(beside himself)'' Pat Morrissey. Communications is full of Nutters these days. :'''Jamie:''' Soon as the PM said he'd be gone inside a year, the Nutters start popping up like [[wikipedia:Melanoma|mela-fucking-noma]]. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' See you later. See you in a tick. :'''Jamie:''' ''(to Ollie)'' What about you? You're not a Nutter, are you? :'''Ollie:''' I-I'm not a Nutter, Jamie. I'm...I'm a nipper. :''(Ollie then bumps into Terri.)'' :'''Ollie:''' Hey, Terri! :'''Terri:''' Hi, Ollie, Happy New Year! :'''Ollie:''' How was Christmas? :'''Terri:''' Oh, you know... :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, I know, yeah. Six pairs of socks, three Harry Potter omnibuses. All that "I thought you were taking the giblets out. Don't give Nan any more Baileys. She's only got the one pad with her." ''(Ollie follows Terri into an office.)'' Every bloody year. :'''Terri:''' Yeah, well, you know, just me and Mum in the care home. :'''Ollie:''' Right. Jesus...So, eh, Ben on ''Newsnight?'' :'''Terri:''' Ben Swain's going on ''Newsnight?'' :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, yeah. Oh, God, thank God you didn't know, either. I thought it was just me. :'''Terri:''' Oh no no no. I did know about that, actually. :'''Ollie:''' Well, why did you say it like that, then? "Ben Swain's going on ''Newsnight?''" :'''Terri:''' You're just out of the loop. I'm very well wired into the Tommists. :'''Ollie:''' ''(laughing)'' Nobody calls them Tommists. They're Nutters, Terri. Nobody calls them Tommists. :'''Terri:''' ''(dead serious)'' I don't like that word. My sister works in mental health. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Ben Swain, the Junior Minister that Ollie is "babysitting," arrives at the office.)'' :'''Ben Swain:''' Morning, all! :'''Terri:''' Benjamin! Happy New Year! :'''Ollie:''' Ben! Big Ben, Ben-Benji, Beno, Benj. :'''Ben:''' Happy New Year to you as well. :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ben)'' These are the briefing notes. :'''Ben:''' Ah, splendid. I'll file these directly in the shredder. Thank you, Glenn. :''(Ben, Glenn and Ollie enter an office.)'' :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ben)'' If you just, uh, stick to what's in there, you'll be all right. Just remember, you're the night watchman, all right? :'''Ben:''' Yes, well, I like to think of myself as more, perhaps, I don't know, an elected MP than a night watchman, Glenn. But thank you very much for everything, I'll be fine without you holding my hand. You enjoy your weekend cottaging in Wales or whatever it is you're up to. :''(Ollie picks up a copy of Ben's upcoming book, which is called, "It's the Everything, Stupid: How to Get Ahead in Modern Politics.")'' :'''Ollie:''' ''(impressed)'' This is looking good. When is it coming out? :'''Ben:''' End of the, end of the week. You'll be able to make the launch party? :'''Terri:''' ''(to Ben)'' Great title. :'''Ben:''' Thank you. :'''Ollie:''' And have you written it yourself or was it ghosted by, uh... :'''Ben:''' By [[wikipedia:Victoria Beckham|Victoria Beckham]]? No, everything in there is entirely-entirely written by me, I think you'll find. Yes. :'''Ollie:''' There you go, you have hidden talents. :'''Ben:''' Anyone heard from "The Hughster?" :'''Terri:''' Yes, he's suffering from jet lag. :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Ben)'' Have you ever been to Australia? :'''Ben:''' No. Why would I want to go there? Full of people in khaki, squinting. Just the world's largest collection of poisonous things. :'''Ollie:''' Oh, yeah. God, yeah. If you want to stick around with poisonous snakes, you might as well stay here. :''(Awkward silence occurs after Ollie's stupid attempt at a joke.)'' :'''Ollie:''' ''(jokingly)'' Throw a blanket on me, I'm on fire. :'''Ben:''' Heh-heh, good. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Before Glenn heads off to Wales, he gives Ollie some last-minute instructions for babysitting Ben.)'' :'''Glenn:''' Listen, Ollie. We may be babysitting a Nutter. He may look like a Womble, but he's got Nutter eyes and Nutter ears. So, keep an eye on him. :'''Ollie:''' All right, the minute any chicken blood turns up on the paperwork, I'll be straight on to you, don't worry. :'''Glenn:''' Right, I'm off to Wales and the late 1950s. :''(Terri blows Glenn a friendly kiss goodbye.)'' :'''Ollie:''' Happy trails. <hr width="50%"/> :''(As Peter is waiting to meet with Stewart -- still -- he has a conversation with Phil about his upcoming holiday.)'' :'''Peter:''' ''(coughing)'' Oh, I can't get rid of this. :'''Phil:''' I bet you're looking forward to your holiday. :'''Peter:''' Well, yeah. I mean, obviously, I'm not flying abroad anywhere, because... :'''Phil:''' Carbon. :'''Peter:''' No, bathroom. I'm supervising the doing up of my bathroom. :'''Phil:''' ''(looking at two lamps)'' What is that? :'''Peter:''' It's just – :'''Phil:''' Is that raffia? :'''Peter:''' He's discovered IKEA, hasn't he? :'''Phil:''' It's all for show. They want to look modern, like they appeal to the kind of people who go to IKEA. :'''Peter:''' I'm modern! I say 'black' instead of 'coloured', I think women are a good thing, I have no problem with gays. Most of them are very well turned out, especially the men. :'''Phil:''' I know. :'''Peter:''' Why is it, this last year, I'm being made to feel as if I'm always two steps behind, like I can't program the video or convert everything back to [[wikipedia:£sd|old money]]? Because that's not me! :'''Phil:''' ''(confused)'' You've still got a video? :'''Peter:''' I'm a one-nation party. :''(And now, it's time to meet Stewart Pearson, the Director of Communications for the Opposition. Stewart and Emma are sharing a laugh as she's leaving his office. Now, Stewart is ready to see Peter.)'' :'''Stewart Pearson:''' ''(smiling)'' Ah, Peter. Dr. Stewart will see you now, hey? I could hear you coughing in there. Is that your contribution to the meeting? :'''Emma:''' ''(to Peter)'' You all right? :'''Peter:''' Yes, okay. You know, it's just hanging around. :'''Stewart:''' Yeah, I'm sorry to keep you hanging about, but you know, right now all the...all the big priority stuff is the big party stuff. :'''Peter:''' I was talking about the cold hanging around. :'''Stewart:''' Oh, right. ''(Stewart heads back into his office.)'' Thanks very much, Em. :''(As Peter goes into Stewart's office for a chat, Phil asks Emma about her meeting.)'' :'''Phil:''' Was that fun there? :'''Emma:''' Yeah, it was useful. :'''Phil:''' Playing with the big boys? :'''Emma:''' Yeah. Now I'm back with the little boys, huh? :'''Phil:''' No. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Stewart and Peter start their chat.)'' :'''Stewart:''' So. How are you, then? :'''Peter:''' ''(nodding)'' Fine, I'm-I'm fine. :'''Stewart:''' Good, superb, because the reason I've asked you in -- I mean, firstly, just to say, "Hi, how are you?"... :'''Peter:''' Still fine. :'''Stewart:''' Then, this photo call this afternoon, "100 Days of the New Leader." We've got you a Paul Smith suit. I did think about Vivienne Westwood or...Well, it was just too expensive. And, oh, and a Ted Baker... ''(Stewart pulls out a pinkish-looking shirt with stripes on it.)'' Ted Baker shirt, right? No tie, we're thinking open-necked look might be good. :'''Peter:''' But I'm already wearing a suit and, controversially, a tie. :'''Stewart:''' Yeah, absolutely, sure. But frankly, you know, it all looks a bit '80s, you know? [[wikipedia:Robert Palmer|Robert Palmer]], Sink the Belgrano, that kind of vibe. We think this is better, it's modern, it's sharp, it's slimming. Try it on. :'''Peter:''' ''(in amused disbelief)'' Is this a joke? :'''Stewart:''' Try the suit on. :''(Moments later, Stewart makes Peter change into a different suit and shirt.)'' :'''Stewart:''' Just wondering whether you're fully conversant with the new line, whether you're really up to speed? :'''Peter:''' Well, I don't know. Am I? Because, uh, I get people stopping me in the streets and saying, 'Are you still for locking up yobbos?', and I say, 'Yeah, of course we are.' And then I think, 'Well, are we?' Because maybe I missed a memo from you. Maybe I should understand yobbos now, or not even call them yobbos, call them 'young men with issues around stabbing.' ''(awkward silence)'' No tie, you say? :'''Stewart:''' No tie. :'''Peter:''' Quite a nice suit, actually. :'''Stewart:''' So, we were thinking...Shirt outside the trousers. :'''Peter:''' Outside? Not tuck my shirt in? :'''Stewart:''' Yeah. :'''Peter:''' I always tuck my shirt in, it's part of getting dressed. What, should I not do my flies up either? Let the old chap flop out. Is that modern enough for you? :'''Stewart:''' Just try it, Peter. Not the cock out, but just the shirt thing. :'''Peter:''' ''(untucking his shirt)'' I'm from a generation of men, Stewart, who tuck their shirts in. I've done it since I was a boy, I was told off for ''not'' doing it. :'''Stewart:''' Oh God, no, you were right. Sorry, no, tuck it in. You look like you've been startled by a fire alarm. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm and Jamie enter Ben's office. Time to discuss Ben's upcoming appearance as Jeremy Paxman's guest on Newsnight.)'' :'''Jamie:''' Mr. Swain. :'''Ben:''' Jamie. :'''Malcolm:''' Good morning, Ben. :'''Ben:''' Morning, Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to 2 office workers)'' Off you two fuck. :''(The 2 workers leave Ben's office.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Right, Ben, heard the big news about [[wikipedia:Jeremy_Paxman|Paxo]]. :'''Ben:''' Oh right. :'''Malcolm:''' What was it you did in your gap year again? :'''Ben:''' Um, Interrailing, month on a kibbutz – :'''Malcolm:''' Did you ever travel, like, 100 miles per hour, head-first through a tunnel full of pig shit? Because that's what's gonna happen to you tonight with Paxman, ''unless'', unless...you listen to us. :'''Jamie:''' He will eat you up, sick you out and grout his fucking wet room with you. :'''Ben:''' Yeah, I have been interviewed on television before, thank you very much. :'''Malcolm:''' Who? :'''Ben:''' [[wikipedia:George_Alagiah|George Alagiah]]. :'''Jamie:''' Yeah? Do you know what they call him? Easy George. :'''Malcolm:''' This is Paxo. What are you gonna do when he pulls that big rubbery horse-face of mock-incredulity at you? :'''Ben:''' Yes, look, we know the cheat codes for Paxman now, don't we? That old aggressive style of his is just old school. All you need to do, you play the honest, the Honest Joe just trying to humbly get your point across and... :'''Jamie:''' ''(pulling up a chair)'' Let's see you do your stuff, Mr. Television, huh? :''(Jamie is pretending to be Jeremy Paxman on Newsnight, asking Ben questions.)'' :'''Jamie:''' ''(As Paxo)'' Immigration is in disarray. What are ''you'' going to do about it? :'''Ben:''' Well, first of all, I would have to take issue with your contention that immigration is in... :'''Jamie:''' Oh, answer the question, you fat fuck! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Phil and Emma are home in their flat -- discussing Ollie.)'' :'''Phil:''' Why the fuck do you have to keep inviting him round here? :'''Emma:''' Oh, are you a bit jealous? :'''Phil:''' Of [[wikipedia:Gerald_Home|the man]] from the Mr Muscle adverts? No, I just think it's just unreasonable that I have to watch what I'm gonna say in my own flat; I mean, you could at least give me warning if he's coming round or something. :'''Emma:''' I tell you what, I'll put a sex grid on the fridge. :'''Phil:''' Oh, yeah. :'''Emma:''' So that you can have dates and stuff: I'll put an A4 piece of paper for me up, and maybe you could have half a post-it note? You could share it with Affers, maybe. :'''Phil:''' Yeah. Have to write really small, though, I've slept with three women in – :'''Ollie:''' ''(returning from the toilet)'' Your life? :'''Phil:''' Yes. :''(Ollie laughs)''<hr width="50%" /> :''(Ollie, Emma, and Phil are watching Ben Swain's [[wikipedia:Newsnight|Newsnight]] interview together. Malcolm, who is also watching from his office, is on the phone to Jamie, who is watching Ben from inside the studio.)'' :'''Emma:''' What's he doing with his eyes? :'''Ollie:''' Oh my God. He's got a nervous blink. :'''Malcolm:''' That's a mega blink! It's not just ''a'' blink. :'''Ollie:''' He looks like what happens when you punch a cow. ''(impersonates a cow mooing in pain)'' :'''Phil:''' Oh my God, this is like watching a lion rape a sheep, but in a bad way. :'''Jamie:''' The cameramen are laughing. :'''Ollie:''' 'J-j-j-j-just'! :'''Emma:''' Stop him, stop him! :'''Ollie:''' He spelled 'just' with four Js! :'''Malcolm:''' He's like a chicken, he's like an enormous chicken! :'''Phil:''' It's just one word he's been saying, which is basically ''(gibberish)''. :'''Jamie:''' Well, what about the coalface? :'''Malcolm:''' Pull it, puncture his lifebelt. Pull it, give him the signal. If he shits, I'll give you 500 quid.<hr width="50%" /> :''(After Ben Swain's interview)'' :'''Ollie:''' Well he certainly looked like a Nutter. :'''Emma:''' He looked like that little guy on the green that shouts 'You're an Arab' at everyone. :'''Phil:''' It's a tough day tomorrow, picking bits of Ben out of Malcolm's car. :'''Ollie:''' He didn't mention the coalface idea. <hr width="50%" /> :'''Jamie:''' ''(to Ben, in the car back from the studio)'' You don't deserve to ''live!'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Peter:''' How is my blog? My own personal blog, personally written by me? :''(they all go to the computer)'' :'''Phil:''' There we go. :'''Emma:''' Oh, brilliant. :'''Phil:''' Yesterday you liked the leader's speech, it was bold and courageous and sent out the right signals, and you had a fruit lunch. :'''Peter:''' Oh, I write very well. What's the feedback like? :'''Phil:''' Pretty good. Let's see on this page here. Here we go. :'''Peter:''' "I don't trust you, you Cypriot crook." :'''Phil:''' What? :'''Peter:''' Cypriot? This is the shit room. You've opened the shit room door. :'''Emma:''' Oh come on, that's not too bad. :'''Peter:''' "How are the maintenance payments going on your bastard?" Christ, that was twelve years ago! :'''Phil:''' I hadn't seen that one. :'''Peter:''' "Adulterous Nazi"? :'''Phil:''' Or that one. :'''Emma:''' That's actually I think the same one. :'''Peter:''' This is the trouble with the public, they're fucking horrible. :'''Emma:''' Peter, you really – you can't say the public are fucking horrible. :'''Peter:''' Yes I can, I've met them. "You've always got such a pained expression. Do you take it up the chutney?" Really? I mean, for God's sake. :'''Emma:''' The chutney? :'''Peter:''' Yes, it's up the arse. :'''Emma:''' See this: I still don't understand why people do this 'h8' thing. If you're going to leave a message, I mean, at least spell it correctly.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Phil:''' What the fuck was that all about? You know, nicking the other lot's ideas? :'''Emma:''' You jumped straight on the bandwagon, you hypocrite. :'''Phil:''' You started it. You know, at least I'm not nicking my boyfriend's ideas. :'''Emma:''' You sanctimonious twat! Jesus, you're not my dad, Phil, even if you do dress like him. :'''Peter:''' ''(knocking from behind glass)'' What's going on? :'''Phil:''' Swain was supposed to flag up the coalface idea last night but he didn't. So Emma nicked it. :'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' Oh, fuck-tastic. Not only was it a shit idea to ruin my holiday, it was a shit idea you stole from the government to ruin my holiday. Good work. :'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' Thanks a lot, [[wikipedia:Supergrass_(informant)|Supergrass]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm''' ''(seeing Ben Swain arrive)'': Oh, here he is. Dead man walking. :'''Jamie:''' ''(impersonating Ben)'' 'I, I, I wish you wouldn't keep saying that, I, I, I –' ''(normal voice)'' What's your favourite band, [[blink-182]]?<hr width="50%" /> :'''Jamie:''' That's not a proper cigar: a proper cigar is those big Cuban whoppers, that's just a jumped-up fag. :'''Malcolm:''' Talking of [[wikipedia:Fagging|which]] – :'''Ollie''' ''(entering)'': Hi. :'''Jamie and Malcolm:''' Hey! :'''Jamie:''' Is it [[wikipedia:Rag_(student_society)#Rag_Week|Rag Week]]? :'''Malcolm:''' Do you fancy a cigar? I promise I won't tell any of the other prefects. :'''Jamie:''' Hand rolled on the thigh of a Cuban virgin with big tits and four kids. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, thanks. Um, Malcolm, I just wondered if I could have a quick word, actually. The opposition have got the Week at the Coalface idea. They're gonna do it. :'''Jamie:''' Who, when? :'''Ollie:''' Peter Mannion, I don't know when. :'''Malcolm:''' How the fuck did they get that? Your fucking girlfriend, Jesus Christ! :'''Jamie:''' You should have dumped that mad bitch ages ago. :'''Ollie:''' Well I would've done! She is mad, she's a mental woman! But you two kept telling me to go out with her and stay going out with her, just in case I found anything out! :'''Jamie:''' Oh, and what did you find out? That you've been leaking intelligence to them? You're the fucking shittest James Bond ever. You're... you're [[wikipedia:David_Niven|David fucking Niven]]! <hr width="50%" /> :'''Malcolm:''' Get him properly fucking screen-tested. I'm sorry mate, but you need a lot of powder, I've never seen anybody look so fucking ugly with just one head. :'''Ben:''' Yeah. No, I lost my islands of safety, didn't I, which is – :'''Malcolm:''' And who was it that did your media training? [[wikipedia:Moors_murders#Myra_Hindley|Myra Hindley]]? I mean, it was terrible, all this – hands were all over the place. You were like a sweaty octopus trying to unhook a bra! It was like watching John Leslie at work! :'''Ben:''' Yes, I know all of that, and it just kind of fell away. God, it was like one of those dreams when you're wandering around [[wikipedia:Covent_Garden|Covent Garden]] or something in just your vest and everyone's staring at you. :'''Jamie:''' I think it was much worse than that, I mean, how many people see you in Covent Garden, a few thousand? Your meltdown was witnessed by 1.2 million people. That's more people than saw [[wikipedia:Al_Jolson|Al Jolson]] in his entire career. And that's Al fucking Jolson! :'''Malcolm:''' He loves Al Jolson. :'''Jamie:''' The Governor! :'''Ollie:''' '[[wikipedia:My_Mammy|Maaammy]].' :'''Jamie:''' You take the piss out of Jolson again, and I will remove your [[iPod]] from its tiny nano-sheath, and push it up your ''cock!'' And then I'll plug some speakers up your arse, and put it onto shuffle with my fucking fist! And every time I hear something that I don't like, which will be every time that something comes on, I will skip to the next track ''(to Ben)'' by crushing ''your balls!'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' Oh, sorry! Do you know what, maybe you should dump Peter and go out with Ollie. :'''Ollie:''' Well, it wouldn't be any more disastrous than our relationship, would it, hey? :'''Emma:''' Christ, Ollie, well if it's been such a fucking disaster, why didn't you break up with me sooner? :'''Ollie:''' Well, if it had been up to me I would have broken up with you sooner! :'''Emma:''' If it had been up t– Oh, OK – This is Malcolm, isn't it? Malcolm has been pimping you out! You fucking sad little – :'''Phil:''' ''(laughing)'' That's funny. :'''Ollie and Emma:''' Fuck you, Phil! :'''Phil:''' Oh, suddenly ''I'm'' the bad guy again. :'''Ollie:''' Go and read your blog, nerd boy! I'm going. This is the point where I go. :'''Phil:''' Wow. That point actually exists. Incredible. :'''Ollie:''' I will be so ''not'' sorry not ever to have to talk to you again, you massive floppy blonde tit! I hope your blog gets done for libel and you get knobbed in prison by men. And – ''(to Emma)'' it is over, you self-serving, crypto-fascist, horse-loving, posh, weekend-at-Daddy's, vacuous nothing! ''(leaves)'' :'''Emma:''' Fuck you, Ollie, and put your keys on the side! :'''Phil:''' He's got keys? <hr width="50%"/> :''(looking at a newspaper story with the headline "Silly Tucker: Was web of filth spun by Downing Street 'Spiderman'?")'' :'''Malcolm''' ''(on the phone)'': The story isn't me, Glenn, OK? Nobody is interested in me and I'll be pleased if you'd remember that, OK? :'''Glenn''' ''(at his sister's Welsh cottage)'': You sure you don't want me and Hugh to come back? We could give you some cover. :'''Malcolm:''' Hugh is not coming back: it would look like we're panicking, and we're not panicking. But I need ''you'' back here fucking ASAP to let them know that we're not panicking. :'''Glenn:''' So you want me to interrupt ''my'' holiday in a panic, so that Hugh doesn't have to interrupt ''his'' holiday and look like he's panicking? :'''Malcolm:''' You get back here! I wanna see you popping a bollock for me! ''(hangs up)'' :'''Jamie:''' ''(walking in, holding up the same 'Silly Tucker' story)'' You seen this? :'''Malcolm:''' No, I haven't seen that. I'm the senior press guy for the Government of Great Britain and Northern Ireland. No, I don't look at the newspapers, that's fucking news to me. :'''Jamie:''' All right, all right. What are we doing? :'''Malcolm:''' What are we doing? Fuck all, we're not doing nothing, all right, because I am not the story here. :'''Jamie:''' Well, no, you kind of are the story, Malc: they spelt your name right and everything. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' You take this and this, and you put it onto your bird's breasts, and you rub them and squeeze them very very gently, you get her into the sack, you bang her fucking brains out, you make sure that she cums, and you just give her the policy! :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, but I chucked her, and not in a kind of, you know, 'It's not you, it's me' sort of way, more in a 'It ''is'' you, you hideous vacuous [[Sloane Ranger|Sloane]] bitch from hell' kind of scorched-earth kind of – :'''Malcolm:''' I'm really not interested at all in your little tiff. Get round there, take your Barry White album and your lube and your fucking policy folder. :'''Ollie:''' Malcolm, this is really crossing the line here – :'''Malcolm:''' Don't start with the moral objections, you fucking [[wikipedia:Blue_Peter_badge|Blue Peter badge]]-wearing ponce! Go and make a contribution to fucking Amnesty International, go and buy a goat the whole village can fuck! But you are doing this for me. :'''Ollie:''' Malcolm, you're bullying me, and, you know, I don't know why you're bullying me, you're – :'''Malcolm:''' How dare you? How dare you! Don't you ever, ''ever'', call me a bully. I'm so much worse than that. Do it. OK? Wash your hands. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Peter:''' Do I know you? Oh, don't you work for somebody famous? Er, Malcolm [[wikipedia:Hamish_Macbeth|Hamish MacDeath]]? :'''Jamie:''' It's, er, Peter Onion, isn't it? :'''Peter:''' Hah! That's right. :'''Jamie:''' I always forget, were you the forced abortion or the love child? Or the guy who asphyxiated himself with a kiwi? :'''Peter:''' Just the love child: I was the quiet one. :'''Phil:''' Like [[wikipedia:John_Deacon|John Deacon]] in Queen. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Terri''' ''(on her phone)'': Well I might as well call myself on unofficial leave now: nothing will happen for the next three weeks, absolutely zero. I'm gonna book that holiday. Yeah, well, I mean, all they'll be doing, they'll be bobbing about like emperor penguins trying to swap over an egg. <hr width="50%"/> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Jamie:''' Is your department looking at a 10 million overspend? Yes, or no? :'''Ben:''' Well, I don't have the figures to hand, but all I can say is that if there has been an overspend or a perceived overspend within this department, then certainly I think I've – ''(sees Jamie mime fellatio)'' He's not gonna do that, is he? :'''Malcolm:''' Oh yes, he will, and he will do a lot more. Jazz hands, he'll be touching you up under the table, he's got all the tricks. :'''Ben:''' No he won't! Fuck off, Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' You, listen. First things first: you need some interruption lines, yeah? Something that you can throw in. :'''Ben:''' All right: how about, er, 'I will answer the questions in the order you asked them, Jeremy'. :'''Jamie:''' That makes you sound like a smug Oxbridge twat. Oh, I know you are, but ''everyone'' doesn't need to know. <hr width="50%"/> :''(deleted scene)'' :''(while watching Ben Swain on Newsnight)'' :'''Ollie:''' Still, at least Hugh will be pleased. :'''Phil:''' Yeah, he'll be thrilled, I'm sure! His department on the rack, he'll be like, 'Hey, Ollie, thanks for running the department, although it seems to have all turned to shit!' You're like the man with the [[wikipedia:Midas#Golden_Touch|Midas touch]], except instead of everything you touch turning to gold, it turns to shit. You're like the man with the shit touch. Shitfinger. :'''Ollie:''' Shouldn't you be online pretending to be a Hobbit, eh? Trying to get a date with a lady Hobbit, but failing? :'''Phil:''' Shitfinger. <hr width="50%"/> :''(deleted scene)'' :''(seeing Ben Swain arrive)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Oh hey, hello, here he is! The walk of shame. :'''Jamie:''' You never told us you had epilepsy of the eyes. Was that a sweat, or were you crying? :'''Malcolm:''' Have I seen you on the telly? :'''Ben:''' ''(laughs)'' Yeah. [[wikipedia:Blockbusters_(British_game_show)|Blockbuster]], 1991, I got a Gold Run. :'''Malcolm:''' You know what, I have never seen anyone sweat so much in my life. And I've had a sauna with [[Luciano Pavarotti|Pavarotti]]! I know that politicians and hot air are supposed to go together, but I've never actually seen one vapourise! :'''Ben:''' Can I get you two fellows a drink? :'''Malcolm:''' An orange juice, yeah, yes. :'''Ben:''' Jamie? :'''Jamie:''' Oh, I'll have a pint of 'Fuck right off and die, you miserable fucking tosser'. Do they do that in here? :'''Malcolm:''' He's a wee bit disappointed. :'''Jamie:''' We'll get you on [[wikipedia:Newsround|Newsround]] next time. You reflected badly on me, and I don't like that. :'''Ben:''' Oh come on, Jamie, look, I'll get you a drink and then we'll – :'''Jamie:''' DO YOU WANT A FUCKING SPLINTER GLASS FACIAL? I'm not pretending to hate you here, I actually fucking hate you! I'm not playing a fucking game. Fuck off! ''(leaves)'' :'''Malcolm:''' He trained as a priest. :'''Ben:''' Really? Yeah, he'd be fantastic, I'd confess everything to him. <hr width="50%"/> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Where are you tonight? 'Cause you're not here. What, no invitation for number one party animal, Julius [[Pete Doherty]] Nicholson? :'''Julius:''' Who's Peter O'Doherty? :'''Malcolm:''' Stop trying to joke, OK? Don't joke, you are not funny, Julius, you're about as funny as a blind toddler in a fucking minefield. <hr width="50%"/> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Glenn''' ''(in his sister's Welsh cottage, on the phone)'': Ah, Malcolm. Terri's just rung about the wankers' announcement, and I thought you'd want to know, Hugh's on the way to the airport, but do you want me to definitely tell him to get on the plane? :'''Malcolm:''' No, it's too fucking late. What's he gonna do, come and shadow the shadow of DoSAC shadowing him? Show him where the bogs are? :'''Glenn:''' Yeah, but you told me to tell him to come home. :'''Malcolm:''' Did I? :'''Glenn:''' Yeah! :'''Ollie''' ''(in Malcolm's office, on the phone)'': Right, Hugh, hi. Er, no, I don't think you're going to be wanted back here. :'''Malcolm:''' What is the problem? :'''Ollie:''' He's on some road somewhere where he can't do a U-turn for about five miles or something. :'''Malcolm:''' Good! I like to know that I can still make him miserable even though he's 12,000 miles away. ==Spinners and Losers== :''(Amidst all the chaos swirling after the announcement of the PM's surprise resignation, Ollie's cell phone rings. It's Angela Heaney.)'' :'''Ollie:''' ''(answering his phone)'' Angela, hello. :'''Angela:''' Ollie. How are you? :'''Ollie:''' I am tickets-fuckety-boo, thank you very much. :'''Angela:''' Sorry? :'''Ollie:''' Tickets-fuckety-boo. It's just something that Ben says. :'''Angela:''' Are you and Ben Swain big buds, then? :'''Ollie:''' Well, you know...Just, could you... :''(Ollie has to get away from Glenn, because Glenn is talking to Hugh on his cell phone.)'' :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Angela)'' Hang on just a second... :''(Ollie walks away from the action...and then resumes his conversation with Angela.)'' :'''Ollie:''' ''(in a quieter voice)'' Things are just a little bit fluid here and Glenn's not really a big Ben fan. Ben Swain obviously, not the clock. Well, it's not the clock, is it? It's the bell that's called Big Ben. :'''Angela:''' So go on, tell me: Who else is running? :'''Ollie:''' ''(in the men's toilets)'' Well, no one. No one's gonna stand against Tom now, surely, it's going to be unopposed. ''(Starts using the urinal)'' They'll be rebranding him as we speak, I would imagine: new hair, [[wikipedia:Ted_Baker|Ted Baker]] teeth, all the modern trappings of your political leader – :'''Angela:''' Ollie! Are you pissing? :'''Ollie:''' Er no, that's the flush of the automatic urinals, it's a gentlemen's lavatory. :'''Angela:''' I don't want to talk to you while you're holding your penis. :'''Ollie:''' Well, that's not what you used to say, Angela. :'''Angela:''' Er, yes it is. :'''Ollie:''' No, well – actually it is precisely what you used to say. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' Has anybody seen Jamie? :'''Glenn:''' Why, have you lost him? :'''Ollie:''' Oh, don't tell me he's gone feral, 'cause he was fucking terrifying when you had him on the leash! :'''Malcolm:''' Let's not overreact. :'''Ollie:''' Easy for ''you'' to say, he threatened to shove an iPod up my cock! :'''Malcolm:''' But you get that a lot, though, don't you? :<hr width="50%" />''(discussing Dan Miller)'' :'''Glenn:''' You don't think he's got a chance, do you? :'''Ollie:''' Nah, he's just a droid, isn't he? He's just – ''(makes robotic noises and gestures)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(lecturing Ollie)'' Hey hey hey hey. Don't-don't-don't let him hear you doing that sort of stuff. What happens if he does stand a chance, eh? He'll fuck you harder than [[wikipedia:Ron_Jeremy|Ron Jeremy]], and with less warmth. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Meanwhile, at the Daily Mail's headquarters, Adam Kenyon, the editor-in-chief at the mail, is discussing the news of who's standing for leadership with Angela.)'' :'''Adam Kenyon:''' Right, Geoff Holhurst? :'''Angela:''' Yeah. :'''Adam:''' Right, Ollie's our source on this, is he? Ollie Reeder? [[wikipedia:Deep_Throat_(Watergate)|Shallow Throat]]? Brilliant. :'''Angela:''' Yeah, I know you don't rate him. :'''Adam:''' You can say that again. Ollie Reeder is, to quote [[wikipedia:Bobby Kennedy|Robert F. Kennedy]], a complete fucking spazmaloid. Plus you know how Geoff Holhurst photographs: it looks like his body's in the foreground and his head is really really far away, he looks fucking weird. Just something solid, all right? Otherwise our front page is gonna be an interview with [[wikipedia:Janet_Street-Porter|Janet Street-Porter]] on why she hasn't been asked to be Prime Minister and a giant fucking Sudoku. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Downstairs at Number 10, Malcolm has an awkward run-in with Cliff Lawton.)'' :'''Cliff:''' Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' Elvis! Sorry, sorry. Cliff, Cliff. Where are you off to? :'''Cliff:''' I'm actually off to, uh, to see an old colleague, you know, from the old days, from, uh...before you asked me to resign. :'''Malcolm:''' Oh, lovely, lovely. Well, look, I'd love to stop and chat to you, but you know, I'd rather have Type 2 diabetes. :'''Cliff Lawton:''' Yes, fuck you, Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, Happy New Year. <hr width="50%"/> :''(As Malcolm enters his office, he finds, to his surprise -- or is it dismay? -- Geoff Holhurst. Geoff stands up to greet Malcolm.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Right. Hi, Geoff, don't stand. :'''Geoff:''' Oh. ''(Geoff sits back down)'' :'''Malcolm:''' No, no, I mean, "Don't stand against Tom." Now do you see what I did there? I was both being funny and also deadly serious. :'''Geoff:''' Yeah, now where did you hear that, Malcolm? I'm not standing. :'''Malcolm:''' Never mind where I heard it from. The thing is, Geoff... ''(Malcolm sits down in his chair)'' You're gonna waste everybody's time. :'''Geoff:''' I'm not standing, Malcolm. I'm just trying to start a debate, you know, a policy debate, about the future direction of the party and of the government. :'''Malcolm:''' Because first, you've got no credentials. I mean, you're so back bench you've actually fucking fallen off. You're out by the fucking bins where I put you. :'''Geoff:''' Hello? Are you listening to me? I'm not standing. :'''Malcolm:''' Secondly, I'm gonna tell the Mirror about all the drinking. :'''Geoff:''' ''(laughing)'' I'm not drinking. :'''Malcolm:''' And thirdly, I'm gonna tell the Mail about the affair. And fourthly, you've got a tiny head. :'''Geoff:''' ''(offended)'' No I haven't! :'''Malcolm:''' Yes you have. It's out of proportion, everybody mentions it. :'''Geoff:''' Look... :'''Malcolm:''' See? You're shaking it, and I can hardly see it move. Are you shaking it now? Are you shaking it now? I can't tell. :'''Geoff:''' I'm not standing, okay? My head is the right size, all right? :'''Malcolm:''' It is very petite. So you're not standing... :'''Geoff:''' No. :'''Malcolm:''' Right? You will not stand against Tom. :'''Geoff:''' I've said. I've bloody said. :'''Malcolm:''' Okay, thank you, Geoff. Let's go. Arriva-fucking-derci. ''(Geoff gets up from his chair, and he and Malcolm shake hands.)'' Let's have lunch sometime, yeah? We'll have a tete-a-tiny-tete. :'''Geoff:''' ''(leaving the office)'' Jesus... <hr width="50%"/> :''(And now, Nick Hanway, a government press relations officer, is entering his way into Malcolm's office.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(seeing Nick enter)'' Oh, Nice Nutter Nick! :'''Nick Hanway:''' What was all that about? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(standing up again)'' Just, you know, putting out a fire. :'''Nick:''' Definitely out? :'''Malcolm:''' Definitely out. Pissed out. Steam and cinders, pal. Does Tom know you're here? :'''Nick:''' Yeah, of course, yeah. :'''Malcolm:''' So how's the rebrand going? :'''Nick:''' Okay, we've, um, booked him for a photo op on Tuesday. He's taking the family to a Harvester. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(chuckling)'' Oh, Jesus Christ, really? :'''Nick:''' Yeah. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(jokingly as a reporter)'' "Have you been to a Harvester before, Prime Minister?" ''(and now as Tom)'' "No, in fact, I've never actually been outside the fucking house with my family before." :'''Nick:''' Anyway, um, look...do you know the name of the bod who's booked to go on ''Today'' in the morning? :'''Malcolm:''' Sure, yeah. Do ''you'' know? :'''Nick:''' Yeah, we just found out. So -- ''you'' know who it is? :'''Malcolm:''' Well, of course ''I'' know. I mean, there's nothing that you know that I don't know. I'm Dr. Fucking Know. :'''Nick:''' Who is it? :'''Malcolm:''' Is this, are you...Are you testing me now? Is it, 'cause I mean, I could test you. I mean, we could have a big match or testostethon. I mean, how do I know that you've got the fucking name, anyway? :'''Nick:''' Because Hugo at ''Today'' told us. :'''Malcolm:''' Right. :''(A bit of a pause...)'' :'''Nick:''' So what name have you got? :'''(Another hide-and-seek pause...)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Dan Miller. :'''Nick:''' Oh, okay, so you do know. :'''Malcolm:''' Of course I fucking do. :'''Nick:''' Look, um, Tom's announcing his team in the morning, and I've just got to stop Dan Miller announcing his team two hours before we announce ours, so...if you want to get on the bus, that's... :'''Malcolm:''' That is my mission? You, Mr. Nutty Bar, have given me a task? Jesus Christ, who the fuck does Tom think he is? :'''Nick:''' The next Prime Minister of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, Malcolm. :''(And with that cool, steely-eyed shot, Nick gets ready to leave Malcolm's office...but Malcolm isn't done with Nick yet.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Nick. ''(beat)'' Tell the mighty fucking Tom that his transition will be as smooth as a Brazilian's fuckh-- :''(But just before Malcolm can finish his comeback retort to Nick, Jamie enters the office from out of nowhere and interrupts the party.)'' :'''Jamie:''' ''(to Malcolm and Nick)'' Oh! [[wikipedia:Trinny_and_Susannah|Trinny ''and'' Susannah]]! Well I'm sorry to burst into your little fucking boutique, but you've got a fight on your hands. That's all I'm saying. I'm backing a rival candidate, ''(to Malcolm)'' so fuck you, ''(to Nick)'' and fuck you and your Nutter coronation 'cause it ain't happening. :'''Nick:''' So you're backing Dan Miller, are you? :'''Jamie:''' No, I'm not backing Dan Miller! Don't you fucking ever ask me a question again! :'''Malcolm:''' Fatty? :'''Jamie:''' Oh aye, Fatty, yeah, wee Spider-Man pyjamas, fucking idiot. From now on, it's a proper fight: it's a pub fight, [[wikipedia:Motherwell|Motherwell]] rules, and Tom is gonna get a pint glass in his fucking eye, and a pool cue up his arse, and another pool cue in his other fucking eye! :'''Malcolm:''' Geoff Holhurst. :'''Jamie:''' Oh, what, Mr Baby New Potato Head? Fuck off. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Jamie is backing Cliff Lawton for leadership. And now, Jamie and Cliff are traveling in a car, discussing strategy.)'' :'''Jamie:''' Are you a horse? :'''Cliff:''' ''(confused)'' Sorry? :'''Jamie:''' Are you a fucking horse? :'''Cliff:''' Um, I don't...I don't know what you mean. What? :'''Jamie:''' Are you a fucking horse? :'''Cliff:''' Okay, no, I'm not a horse. :'''Jamie:''' Are you sure? :'''Cliff:''' I'm sure. :'''Jamie:''' You've got a pretty fucking horsey face -- and a bit of a horsey wife. Are you a fucking horse? Are you? :'''Cliff:''' Okay, leaving the wife aside... :'''Jamie:''' Are you a horse? :'''Cliff:''' No... :'''Jamie:''' EXACTLY! :'''Cliff:''' I can categorically say that I am not a horse. :'''Jamie:''' Exactly, you are not a fucking horse. You are no horse, and you are not a [[wikipedia:Stalking horse|stalking horse]]. ''You'' are the real thing. :'''Cliff:''' ''(nodding in agreement)'' Oh, right. :'''Jamie:''' And we are going to ''ram'' you up Tom's are so hard that he has to shit out of his lying mouth. :'''Cliff:''' It's not a very nice image, really, is it? ''(beat)'' But it's very motivating. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Glenn:''' And then, Liam said that someone suggested that Tom should go on ''[[wikipedia:Strictly_Come_Dancing|Strictly Come Dancing]]''. :'''Ollie:''' He can barely even walk properly. He looks like he shat himself the whole time. :'''Glenn:''' He often has. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm''' ''(to Robyn)'': You are going to ''bury'' this Watford arseache tonight, OK? 'Cause tomorrow morning, from broadsheets to wank rags, I want page one, two and three to be a profile of Tom looking like a fucking political colossus, you know: Tom meeting the Pope, Tom in an NHS hospital chatting to little, baldie kiddies. I want pages four and five to be a timeline of the last few years in British politics with ''me'' at the centre, looking fucking indispensable, and fucking benign. And I want page six to be fucking – ''Israel'' or some bullshit, not a fucking DOSAC, DIPSHIT, LEGACY-DISTRACTING COCK-UP! :'''Robyn:''' Right, um, Jamie. Look, I just have to say at this point that I do find him just a little bit frightening. :'''Malcolm:''' Relax, he has never hit anyone. Or at least, anyone he has hit has never had the balls to take it to a superior. ''(Robyn still looks terrified)'' It's a fucking joke. It's a joke, OK? The man is a professional, you will be fine. :'''Glenn:''' Actually, Malcolm? We still have no word on Dan Miller. I mean, he's gone dark, he's not answering his phone – :'''Malcolm:''' Maybe he's in a hotel with his own huddle. Ring around, try and find him. :'''Glenn:''' What, ring every hotel in London and ask if Dan Miller's booked in? :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah! Although he could be using an assumed name. :'''Glenn:''' So you want me to ring round every hotel in London, and ask if anyone, of any name, has booked in? :'''Malcolm:''' Well it will keep you busy, you know, you need to keep the mind active at your age.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Jamie:''' OK, the line is: [[wikipedia:Wildcat_strike_action|wildcat walkout]], we'll be talking to the unions, it's too early to comment. Off the record: er, union Neanderthals with brains the size of children's bogies couldn't take the heat of Hugh Abbot's ring-stinging, shit-hot, public sector reforms, but he's flying back like Harrison Ford with a big whip in one hand and a skinny latte in the other and he's gonna whip six shades of shit out of them and save the world, OK? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' ''(on the phone to Jamie)'' There is a glacier of shit at DoSAC! I need you over here, with a fucking blowtorch, right now! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jamie:''' Nobody gives a shit if you got shafted by Malcolm. :'''Cliff:''' ''I'' will never, ever forgive him for what he did to me. :'''Jamie:''' Jesus, this isn't ''[[w:EastEnders|EastEnders]]!'' This is politics! We're all in the same plague pit, Cliff, there's no clean hands! :''(Jamie's cell phone rings)'' :'''Cliff:''' All right – :'''Jamie:''' ''(answering the phone)'' Yeah? :'''Malcolm:''' Jamie! What's that sort of droning noise in the background, then? :'''Cliff:''' Look, okay, here's a more positive approach, right, I'll try this. ''(reads from his speech)'' :'''Malcolm:''' It's a kind of boring, kind of low sort of droning, boring, kind of miserable whining, boring kind of, sort of boring noise going on? :'''Jamie:''' Yeah, well, you've got it wrong, yeah? :'''Malcolm:''' Cliff fucking Lawton. Hey, nice. Was the Cillit Bang guy not available? :'''Jamie:''' Fuck you. ''(hangs up)'' :'''Cliff:''' ... To put it simply, I'm back! :'''Jamie:''' Oh fuck off, Cliff. :'''Cliff:''' Sorry? :'''Jamie:''' Fuck off! You're a busted flush! You're not gonna be Prime Minister, you're not gonna be anything, so fuck off. :'''Cliff:''' This is your thing, isn't it? Everything has to be an absolute, everything has to be black and white! You know: 'I love you, fuck off!' There are lots of shades of grey, you know! :'''Jamie:''' Oh, I know that, I'm looking at fifteen of them right now. See you later, no-mark. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' You've got this bullshit Watford story covered, yeah? :'''Jamie:''' Yeah. :'''Malcolm:''' You and I will have a little discussion later. :'''Jamie:''' Yeah. I think Watford will get bumped by the fact that we're about to hand the nuclear codes to a guy who, every now and then, loses it so bad he needs satnav to find his own nipples. :'''Malcolm:''' What are you talking about? :'''Jamie:''' Well, I just thought it was fair to let everyone know about the Tom rumours, you know. How the guy that's about to become Prime Minister chugs antidepressants like they're fucking [[wikipedia:Smint|Smints]]. How the Black Dog humps his leg and shits in his duvet every four months; I ''think'' that will bump the Watford walkout. :'''Malcolm:''' You've gone fucking psycho son, fucking psycho! ''(leaves)'' TWAT!<hr width="50%"/> :'''Ollie:''' ''(answering his mobile)'' Hello. :'''Malcolm:''' Right, what's the plan? :'''Ollie:''' Well, they don't have a plan. :'''Malcolm:''' Okay, well perhaps you should give them one. :'''Ollie:''' Well, yes, fantastic, actually, Malc, because obviously I have a very suitable one tattooed on the underside of my scrotum, so why don't we use that – :'''Malcolm:''' Shut it, you're using up all the minutes on my 'talk till you get head cancer' tariff! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ben Swain:''' What do you think? :'''Nick Hanway:''' Hmm – To be honest, I was really hoping that was going to be shit, because I'm tired and I'd quite like to hit someone. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' Are you in on this? :'''Jamie:''' I'm not leaving it to you, eh? You couldn't organise a bum-rape in a barracks. :'''Malcolm:''' Au contraire.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Jamie:''' What we're having here is a secret conversation, and I'm hoping that this time you can keep the fucking secret, because normally you're about as secure as a hymen in a South London [[wikipedia:Comprehensive_school|comprehensive]]. :'''Terri:''' Yep, well done: that's offensive on a number of levels in a very concise way.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Angela Heaney:''' They've ditched Ballentine. :'''Adam Kenyon:''' What? Already? :'''Angela Heaney:''' Yeah. :'''Adam Kenyon:''' What the fuck is wrong with these people? I mean, what is this, potential leader speed dating? Right, who ''is'' standing? :'''Angela Heaney:''' I dunno. :'''Adam Kenyon''' ''(to another journalist working on a Ballentine story)'': Well, ditch that for a starter, get rid of her, I can't stand her fucking face. :'''Angela Heaney:''' You know, I think you should eat something. :'''Adam Kenyon:''' Oh right, yeah! Eat something, that'd be right, wouldn't it? You know what, our coverage so far has either been wrong or guesswork, which was wrong. So all we have now is a story-shaped hole! :'''Angela Heaney:''' Seriously, your blood sugar's low. :'''Adam Kenyon:''' Right. :'''Angela Heaney:''' Makes you very irritable. :'''Adam Kenyon:''' No, what makes me very irritable, Angela, is having ''no'' fucking stories and having to fill an entire newspaper with just fucking prepositions! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' And obviously if you do think about running with this pills story – :'''Adam Kenyon:''' Yeah. :'''Malcolm:''' I will personally fucking eviscerate you, right? :'''Adam Kenyon:''' Right. :'''Malcolm:''' And I mean, I don't have your education, I don't know what that means, but I will start by ripping your cock off and I'll busk it from there, okay? :'''Adam Kenyon:''' Good, thank you, again. :'''Malcolm:''' Talk to you later. :'''Adam Kenyon:''' Cheers. Bye bye now. ''(Hangs up. To Angela)'' He's a nice guy.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Jamie:''' ''(to Terri and Robyn)'' Oh hey, Desperate Housewives, have you found out who's leaking yet? :'''Glenn:''' I have. It's Julius! He's just told me – :'''Jamie:''' Wait, no, what – That – Julius? :'''Glenn:''' Yeah. :'''Jamie:''' ''Nicholson?'' That baldy PUSSY? Well, I tell you, if he thinks he's leaking now, wait to see him when I'm finished with him: he'll look like fucking [[wikipedia:The_Passion_of_the_Christ|Mel Gibson's Jesus]]! FUCK! FUCK, FUCK! FUCK!<hr width="50%" /> :'''Julius:''' Why don't I get something in? A man cannot live on Jaffa Cakes alone, obviously. I've tried.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Malcolm''' ''(to Ben)'': I'm just gonna go make some nuisance calls, I'll see you in about half a – Stop fucking blinking! Or I will take your optic nerve and strangle you with it. OK. You look after him, Ollie, OK? He's a very important man. Cock like a caber.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Adam Kenyon:''' What's the news, just – :'''Angela Heaney:''' What? :'''Adam Kenyon:''' Just tell me what the fucking news is and I'll put it on the front page. It's not like we're ''[[wikipedia:The_Independent|The Independent]]'', we can't just stick a headline saying 'Cruelty' and then stick a picture of a dolphin or a whale underneath it. I mean, that's just fucking cheating, that's rubbish. :'''Angela Heaney:''' Well, what I'm hearing is Ben Swain. :'''Adam Kenyon:''' Ben Swain? :'''Angela Heaney:''' Yeah. :'''Adam Kenyon:''' Right, I literally don't know who he is. I'm not being stupid or anything, but I physically don't know who Ben Swain is. He could be the leader of the Special Boat Squadron – :'''Angela Heaney:''' Service. :'''Adam Kenyon:''' The [[wikipedia:Special_Boat_Service|Special Boat Service]] or whatever it's fucking called, and this could be a massive coup. :'''Angela Heaney:''' Ben Swain is what I'm hearing. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' The good news, however, is that the – well, the Tom wobble, it's over. :'''Ben Swain:''' And so the – :'''Malcolm:''' That's great, isn't it? :'''Ben Swain:''' Yeah! Why is – So what, he's not wobbling, he's – What does that mean? :'''Malcolm:''' Well, it means that all the rats are now returning to a ''very'' buoyant ship and they're playing deck tennis, so that's lovely, isn't it? :'''Ben Swain:''' What does that mean for me, then? :'''Malcolm:''' I guess that means that you're standing in the chamber of the House of Commons with your big flaccid dick hanging out with a 'vote for me' sticker on the end. :'''Ben Swain:''' But you said I had a chance! About half an hour ago you said I was in with a shot! :'''Malcolm:''' Don't fucking gi– Look, half an hour ago you ''were'' in with a shot! This is half an hour hence! We've fucking time-travelled, yes? We're in a weird and wonderful world, where everything is different. Maybe outside, the polar ice caps have melted. Maybe there's fucking robots knocking about and [[wikipedia:Davina_McCall|Davina McCall]]'s the new Pope. Maybe, you can download ''rice!'' I want you right now to think about ''your'' future, okay? Think about what you are doing, get yourself back on the train to fucking Tomsville pronto, yeah? ''(walking out)'' Half an hour ago. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' What's that, cricket? That's the English equivalent of sport, isn't it? No actual physical contact, just glaring. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jamie:''' Nicholson! NICHOLSON! The immigration shit. It was you, wasn't it? You mimsy bastard Quisling leak ''fuck!'' :'''Julius:''' Sorry, what are you talking about? :'''Jamie:''' Yeah yeah yeah, you will be sorry, you inflatable cock. You fucking sold us out, didn't you? DENY IT! :'''Julius:''' Well, James, I can't deny something until I have the actual charge presented to me – :'''Jamie:''' ''(impersonating Julius)'' 'Oh oh oh, the actual charge.' ''(normal voice)'' You mean apart from the charge you're gonna get when I clamp jump leads to your baldy bollocks? Okay, okay, okay! You, Julius Nicholson, being of sound mind, but with a body that looks like a giant sex toy, did knowingly do us up the shithole, by passing confidential information to the enemy! And I am gonna have your guts as a skipping rope, and your lungs sun-dried and turned into a little fucking waistcoat! :'''Julius:''' James, technically it was not a leak, because firstly it's not confidential infor– :'''Malcolm:''' Eat that prawn. Eat that fucking prawn. :'''Julius:''' I'm not eating prawns, Malcolm, I'm on – I'm just telling you – :'''Malcolm:''' Eat that prawn. ''(throws a slice of pizza at Julius)'' Eat a bit of fucking pizza. :'''Julius:''' Don't be stupid. Malcolm – :'''Malcolm:''' Eat another prawn. ''(throws a prawn)'' :'''Julius:''' Stop it! :'''Malcolm:''' ''(throws more food)'' Have some fucking chow mein! :'''Julius:''' Malcolm – :'''Jamie:''' Here, stuff it in his fucking head! Stuff it in his big baby head! :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie, who has just returned with some cheese)'' Get that fucking cheese over there! :'''Jamie:''' EAT THE CHEESE! :'''Julius:''' I don't want the cheese, stop it! :'''Glenn:''' Go on, have some! :'''Jamie:''' ''(throwing food at Julius)'' EAT THE CHEESE! EAT THE FUC– :'''Julius:''' ''(being pelted by Malcolm and Ollie)'' This isn't funny, this is an expensive suit! James, just – :'''Jamie:''' Fuck! :'''Julius:''' What the ''fuck'' are you doing, mate? ''(runs out of the door)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Hey hey hey, right! :'''Jamie:''' EAT THE FUCKING CHEESE! ''(chasing after Julius)'' EAT THE CHEESE, NICHOLSON! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Glenn:''' Fucking ''hell!'' Fuck! Jesus. I'm not a joke, okay? All right? Hello? I am a man! I am a man, you know? You know?! This... THIS...! THIS IS MY LIFE! I'M A HUMAN BEING, AND ALL THIS IS MY LIFE! And it's collapsing in front of me! You know, Tom's lot, they're never gonna want me, are they? And fucking Hugh, now he – Jesus Christ, this is all...! ''I AM A MAN!'' And – :'''Terri:''' I know, listen – :'''Glenn:''' No you don't – :'''Terri:''' I do! :'''Glenn:''' I'm irrelevant! No no, go away, I'm irrelevant, I'm irrelevant, I'm irrelevant. :'''Terri:''' Glenn, Glenn, Glenn – :'''Glenn:''' FUCKING HUGH JUST WANTS TO SPEAK TO [[wikipedia:Teletubbies#Characters|TINKY WINKY]]?! WELL, ''FUCK'' TINKY WINKY! FUCK YOU, TINKY WINKY! [[Auf Wiedersehen, Pet|Auf Wiedersehen Pet]], the party's over, [[wikipedia:Goodbye_Yellow_Brick_Road|Goodbye Yellow Brick Road]]! WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT HITLER?! WELL, HE HAD A MOUSTACHE AND HE LIVED OVER THERE! FUCK US ALL! <hr width="50%" /> :'''Malcolm''' ''(receives an alert on his phone)'': Oh, I've been summoned to the breakfast meeting, to talk to Tom about this morning: some details about Claire Ballentine, maybe; Geoff Holhurst; young Benjamin here. :'''Nick Hanway:''' Fuck you very much, you unscrupulous bastard. :'''Malcolm:''' Scruples? Scruples, what are they? Is that those low-fat [[wikipedia:Kettle_Foods|Kettle Chips]]? OK people, wake up and smell the cock! Hey Ben, next time that you wanna stab Caesar, make sure you're not holding a fucking plastic spoon. <hr width="50%"/> :''(The Mail are revealing that Ben Swain was racist to a cleaner)'' :'''Glenn:''' I've been leaking for 27 years, I know how it's done, I leaked it! :'''Ollie:''' You don't leak! Well not from the mouth, anyway. :'''Malcolm:''' You fucking shut up. At least this is Hugh's Glenn. All that you are, mate, is fucking ''Ben's'' Glenn.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Ollie:''' ''Guardian Online'', right? :'''Glenn:''' Yes. :'''Ollie:''' I notice they got Tom to do the questionnaire. :'''Glenn:''' What, trying to make himself look more like a human being and less like a calculator with Aspergers? What does he say? :'''Ollie:''' 'When were you happiest?' 'At the birth of my son.' :'''Glenn:''' Bollocks, he wasn't even at the birth of his son. Actually no, he was in an all-night sitting of the Communications Bill, fast asleep. And his sister-in-law woke him with a text. :'''Ollie:''' 'What was the last CD you bought?' 'The Scissor Sisters'. ''(Glenn laughs.)'' And do we believe him? 'Which living person do you most admire?' :'''Glenn:''' Er, well that's tough. Nelson Mandela? :'''Ollie:''' Correct! I think you just press F5 for that one, to be absolutely honest with you. 'How do you relax?' 'Cannabis and wanking'? :'''Glenn:''' He hasn't. :'''Ollie:''' No of course he hasn't, you idiot, 'Listening to opera'. :'''Glenn:''' Oh, right. :'''Ollie:''' While wanking.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Nick Hanway:''' Why tonight of all ''fucking nights'', why tonight? :'''Malcolm Tucker:''' Oh well, that's easy: Tucker's Law. 'If some cunt ''can'' fuck something up, that cunt will pick the worst possible time to fucking fuck up because that cunt's a cunt.' I've got that embroidered on a tea towel at home. === Opposition Extra === :'''Emma Messinger:''' Peter, hi, it's Emma. Now listen, Stewart says this really ''is'' the strategy. :'''Peter Mannion:''' We're supposed to be the opposition, for Christ's sake. In the old days, we wouldn't have been weeping over his grave, we'd have been pissing on it. :'''Emma Messinger:''' If we start point-scoring now, we're just going to look like opportunist weasels. :'''Peter Mannion:''' Well, weasily done. :'''Emma Messinger:''' Sorry? :'''Peter Mannion:''' It's weasily done. :'''Phil Smith:''' It's a joke. :'''Emma Messinger:''' That was a joke? :'''Peter Mannion:''' Tell Stewart I'm not doing it. Tell him bollocks to it, tell him to fuck off. :'''Emma Messinger:''' Tell Stewart to f– Now, Peter, that's not really a very good idea, is it? He's not going to like it if you tell him to fuck off, is he? :'''Peter Mannion:''' Not actually. Yeah, not actually fuck off, just make an excuse, pretty it up, but when you do tell him, make sure that he knows, reading between the lines, that I told you to tell him to fuck off, but you're prettying it up.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Peter Mannion:''' I was supposed to be making an announcement this morning on the failures in the immigration system, making a big speech! :'''Adam Kenyon:''' Yeah, Peter, we were there; you know, I mean, you were giving your recipe for spag bol, and then [[wikipedia:Gordon_Ramsay|Gordon Ramsay]] walks in and takes us all out for peacock and chips.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Emma Messinger''' ''(arriving at Peter's house)'': Peter! Peter? Hi, it's Emma. ''(whispers)'' Oh sorry, you're on the phone, sorry. :'''Peter Mannion:''' Oh hi, Emma! I thought it was Kate Winslet, she generally pops round about now.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Stewart Pearson''' ''(on the phone)'': Peter, we need you to go on [[wikipedia:BBC_News_(TV_channel)|News 24]], like Phil asked, and to say nice things about the PM. :'''Peter Mannion:''' If I'm praising the PM, can I at least have a go at Tom and the Nutters? Can I at least subtly suggest they're waving in a man who pulls himself off by reading European tax law amendments? :'''Stewart Pearson:''' No way! No way, we do not slag off Tom, we want Tom in. Tom is our big fat, socially dysfunctional, swing-voter repellent, golden weirdo ticket. :'''Emma Messinger:''' Surely you can understand how this will work in our favour, Peter? I mean, they're going to elect a man who can count his friends on the fingers of, like, of my father's right hand! :'''Stewart Pearson:''' Dan Miller is thinking of standing, that's what I'm hearing. Yeah, oh sorry, just a minute, just a min– ''(to a colleague outside his office)'' Mark! Mark! When I say I want you to cc JB on everything to do with these interviews, I do mean everything, not just the things that ''you'' think are important. I'm an extraordinarily precise man, Mark, that's why my wife left me. ''(back on the phone)'' JB doesn't want Dan Miller, he's too young and he's too witty, whereas Tom looks 92 and he's about as funny as [[wikipedia:Norman_Wisdom|Norman Wisdom]]. We slag Tom off once he's elected, but not now, hm?<hr width="50%" /> :''(watching TV in their flat)'' :'''Emma Messinger:''' Phil, switch over, we haven't looked at News 24 for a bit. :'''Phil Smith:''' No, it would just be the Ten Glorious Years package in permanent orbit. Is it just me, or does [[wikipedia:Noel_Gallagher|Noel Gallagher]] getting older look like one of those Evolution of Man wall charts in reverse?<hr width="50%" /> :'''Ollie''' ''(answers his mobile)'': Morning. :'''Emma:''' Yeah, have you seen the ''Mail''? :'''Ollie:''' Erm, no I haven't, I'm under 40 and I have a penis, why? :'''Emma:''' They've got a big graphic on the night's winners and losers. Yeah, it's not a great picture of you. :'''Ollie:''' What? Me – What, I'm in it? :'''Emma:''' You look very very pasty and about nine, so – :'''Ollie:''' Am I a winner or a loser? :'''Emma:''' You are a loser! :'''Ollie:''' I'm a loser? For fuck's sake – ''(Emma is listening to the radio)'' God, is that Ben on ''[[wikipedia:Today_(BBC_Radio_4)|Today]]'' in the background? You can even hear him blinking on the radio. This is absolute bollocks, I'm not supposed to be in the paper, Em, I'm just, you know – It's not me who's supposed to be in the paper, is it? It's fucking ridiculous. :'''Emma:''' Oh come on, it's only the ''Mail'', don't worry about it. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, yeah, I know it's the ''Daily Mail'', but you know – my mum gets the ''Mail''. == Series 3, Episode 1 == :''(It's Cabinet Reshuffle Day in the British Government, and Malcolm Tucker has got his finger on the trigger.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Ed! Get Tom Rudd in. Now. We're offering him Northern Ireland, the lucky sod. :'''Ed:''' I think he's expecting to be offered Transport. :'''Malcolm:''' Well, tell him he's taking the bus to George Best airport, right? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' ''(on his cell phone)'' He’s making Paul Remington a Cabinet Minister. Remtard Remington. I mean the guy is an epic fuck-up. He’s so dense that light bends around him. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' Come on people, let’s get going here! I’ve got a to-do list that’s longer than a fucking [[w:Leonard Cohen|Leonard Cohen]] song! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Meanwhile, Ollie Reeder and Terri Coverley are discussing the Cabinet reshuffle at DoSAC.)'' :'''Ollie:''' ''(looking at his computer)'' Remtard at Energy and Climate Change. :'''Terri:''' Really? I'm not getting that. ''(Terri looks at her computer.)'' It's not on here. How did you get that about Remington? :'''Ollie:''' ''(slightly annoyed)'' Refresh the page. :'''Terri:''' Yeah. Ah, yeah. Oh look, Fatty's staying put! They're not moving Fatty! :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, well, that's 'cause they haven’t got five big blokes and a winch. :'''Terri:''' They couldn't really demote Fatty, 'cause he knows too much. :'''Ollie:''' Well he doesn't know where the [[w:Ryvita|Ryvita]] is kept, does he? <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm is on the phone once more, talking to a colleague about how busy he is.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' I've got this -- this-this reshuffle going on, the Leamington Spa by-election coming up, I've got more on my plate than a spinster at a wedding. That wasn't a reference to your daughter by the way, Andrew. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Hugh Abbot has lost his place in the reshuffle.)'' :'''Glenn:''' Well. That's Hugh gone, then. :'''Terri:''' It's so sad, isn't it? Hugh. :'''Glenn:''' Yeah. :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Terri)'' You don't give a ''shit''! :''(beat)'' :'''Terri:''' ...No, well, perhaps I don't. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ollie:''' Northern Ireland office, Tom Rudd. Who's Tom Rudd? Tom Rudd? :'''Terri:''' Isn't he in ''Harry Potter''? :'''Glenn:''' Tom Rudd is army slang for standing-up buggery. :'''Ollie:''' Right. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' ''(calling out to Doug Hayes)'' Doug! Doug! Dougie! Look at you, cock like [[wikipedia:Pink_Panther_(character)|the Pink Panther's]] tail. Come have a Kit Kat. :'''Doug Hayes:''' I'm afraid I turned it down, Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' Do you know ninety percent of household dust is made of dead human skin? That's what you are. To me. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm is back on the phone with Andrew -- AND, of course, Malcolm accidentally insults Andrew's daughter.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Doug Hayes is a massive abortion. Again, not a reference to your daughter. We need somebody to plug this DoSAC hole. Anybody. A fucking mammal with a head. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Terri:''' ''(to Glenn and Ollie)'' Have you two finished emptying your desks yet? :'''Glenn:''' ''(agitated)'' Yes, don't worry, Terri, we're all ready to go. :'''Terri:''' I'm just trying to get everything organised for whenever whoever arrives. They are gonna have their own people. It's gonna be very embarrassing if your hand cream's still in the drawer. :'''Glenn:''' ''Hand cream?'' :'''Terri:''' Yeah, well, whatever men have. I don't know, electric nose-hair trimmers, Ex-Lax... :'''Ollie:''' ''(mocking Glenn)'' Aww, look at Glenn. Your face...On the scrapheap at the tender age of 76? It's no life for you, is it, Glenn, this? Hey, do you want me to call Dignitas? ''(beat)'' I could call Indignitas. They could come round and shove you out of the window dressed as a clown. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' ''(on his phone again)'' Get me, um, Nicola Murray. Yeah. If she says "no", well, I don't know, the only other candidate is my left bollock with a fucking smiley face drawn on it. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Terri announces and introduces the new head of the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship.)'' :'''Terri:''' Ladies and gentlemen, may I introduce the new Secretary of State for the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship, Nicola Murray. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Nicola Murray is the new head of the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship -- DoSAC, for short. As she heads into her new office, she gets a cell phone call from her husband, James.)'' :'''Nicola Murray:''' ''(on the phone to her husband.)'' Um...Yes, I know. They just -- they frog-marched me into it. ''(beat)'' I didn't know. I had no idea. ''(beat)'' James, be fair! I did -- I-I left seven fucking messages for you. Your secretary or whoever is useless. I don't think the school thing's gonna be a problem. It's not gonna be a problem 'cause they'll have vetted me at Number 10. And obviously nobody has soiled themselves or shot me. Great, well, I'll take your warm congratulations as implied. ''(Nicola hangs up her phone.)'' Fucking arsehole. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Terri checks to see if Nicola's alright.)'' :'''Terri:''' You all right? :'''Nicola:''' Yes, it's all a bit crazy. No, it just feels like my head's made entirely of smoke alarms. ''(laughing)'' At the moment, it's all a bit ''OOH...'' ''(Nicola mimes an explosion.)'' :'''Terri:''' Yes, well, it was a bit of a shock for us all, you know. :'''Nicola:''' I'm sure. :'''Terri:''' In a good way, in a good way. :'''Nicola:''' Good. :'''Terri:''' Well, like twins or a tax rebate. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Nicola calls both Glenn and Ollie into her office to discuss her policy as the new head of DoSAC.)'' :'''Nicola:''' My primary focus is social mobility, that's very much my -- my Big Thing. :'''Ollie:''' Right. :'''Nicola:''' And I suppose I'm telling you that, really, partly to get your take on it and also so that you can, you know, start spreading the news and printing the posters and, uh, you know, fire up the turbo chargers, set the phases to equality: It's Murray time! :'''Glenn:''' The thing is – and Ollie, please correct me here if I'm wrong. :'''Ollie:''' I will certainly do that. :'''Glenn:''' Social mobility, making people richer, costs money. :'''Ollie:''' Yes, and we don't have any of that, really. :'''Nicola:''' Right. :'''Ollie:''' I mean, if you speak to Nick at the Treasury he will tell you the same, only with his annoying lisp. :'''Nicola:''' What you're telling me is that basically I'm gonna be a woman with a computer and some pens. :'''Ollie:''' Well, it's just a pen budget. :'''Nicola:''' I mean, I have about as much ''real'' power as [[wikipedia:The_Apprentice_(UK_TV_series)#The_Board|those twats who sit either side]] of [[Alan Sugar]]. :'''Ollie:''' Well – Yes. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Glenn and Ollie are in Nicola's office, trying to give her tips on how to deal with Malcolm. But before they can do so...Malcolm walks in.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(entering the office)'' Is this the No. 1 Ladies' Detective Agency? :'''Nicola:''' Malcolm Tucker! The real deal. Hello. :''(Malcolm and Nicola shake hands.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola, smiling)'' The real deal. Good to see you. You're looking great! ''(to Glenn and Ollie)'' All right, Hinge and Bracket, time to go and hang up your lady-cocks. :''(Glenn and Ollie leave, and Malcolm continues his conversation with Nicola.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Nicola Murray! Here you are, Secretary of State for the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship. :'''Nicola:''' Yep, I now have one of the longest job titles in Western politics. Thank God I don't have to wear a lapel badge. :'''Malcolm:''' It's a pity that we couldn't just make an abbreviation of it, you know, like PFI. Which I think stands for Pretty Fucking Imbarrassing. If you're a bit sloppy about the details, which clearly your fucking husband is. :'''Nicola:''' Okay, look, James works for Albany, fine. He wasn't even working there when the contract was awarded. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(smiling)'' Don't worry, don't worry. That was just me, that was... :'''Nicola:''' ''(getting the joke)'' Okay, right. Fine. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(serious again)'' I mean, that's the sort of thing the press will throw at you. I mean, you step out of line, they'll be all over you like a pigeon on a chip, you know? Is that your chair? :'''Nicola:''' Oh God, yeah. It's cool, isn't it? It's got, um, lumbar support. :'''Malcolm:''' Bin it. People don't like their politicians to be comfortable. They don't like you having expenses. They don't like you being paid. They'd rather you lived in a fucking cave. :'''Nicola:''' Ok, fine. So, uh, what should I be sitting on? Should I just get an upturned KFC bucket? :'''Malcolm:''' A fucking normal chair, right? Not a fucking massive vibrating throne. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Glenn, Ollie and Terri are watching Malcolm's conversation with Nicola outside the office...wondering if Nicola will keep any of them on.)'' :'''Glenn:''' Malcolm must be hating this. All these bright, fresh, new ministers to blood in ''and'' to plan a by-election. :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' If it's any consolation to you, a little bit of you will always be in this department, because she's nabbed your chair. Hasn't she? She's got your chair, and, in fact, your dandruff. :'''Glenn:''' Ha ha ha. If I go, that chair is coming with me. :'''Ollie:''' You know those old men you see who go to the park to read the paper? That'll be you. You could go in your chair. They'd make you King of All the Tramps. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Meanwhile, in Nicola's office...)'' :'''Malcolm:''' So, uh, you got three kids, yeah? :'''Nicola:''' Uh, I've got four. :'''Malcolm:''' Four! :'''Nicola:''' Yeah. Katie's 16, she's the eldest. She's just left school. :'''Malcolm:''' Not going to a college or university? :'''Nicola:''' Um, she's a bit of a rebel. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(concerned)'' What sort of a rebel? I mean, so, I mean, look, what are we talking here? Are we talking a pierced navel or holidays at Pakistani training camp? :'''Nicola:''' It's-it's chiefly heroin. ''(beat)'' Although she has cut down since getting pregnant by that Nigerian people-smuggler, because the track marks would have affected her porn career. :''(Terri has awkwardly entered the office. She politely apologizes for the interruption, but feels...a little awkward about the conversation taking place.)'' :'''Terri:''' I'm sorry to disturb. Um... ''(to Malcolm)'' Morning, Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' Morning, Terri. :'''Terri:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Just wanted to give you a few things here. That's change from the fruit salad. This is this morning's paper. Do excuse me. :''(Terri politely leaves the office...and Nicola resumes her chat with Malcolm.)'' :'''Nicola:''' Um, I'm surprised that you, uh, haven't vetted me, I thought you'd know about the kids. :'''Malcolm:''' It's just that 'cause you were just a sort of, you were a bit of a late-ish kind of appointment. :'''Nicola:''' Mmm. :'''Malcolm:''' That didn't quite give me the time to, you know, to "fuck the I'd and fist the T's," as Robert Robertson might say. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Sounds to me like that she's only bringing in, um, one other person, so...you know, I wonder whether she might keep one of us on permanently. :'''Terri:''' Thank God I'm safe. :'''Glenn:''' ''(annoyed)'' Je- We ''know'' you're safe, Terri! How do we know you're safe? We know your safe, because you keep using the word "safe," like bloody [[wikipedia:Jim_Bowen|Jim Bowen]]! :'''Ollie:''' ''(imitating Jim Bowen presenting [[wikipedia:Bullseye_(British_game_show)|Bullseye)]]'' Yeah, you've got DoSAC, that's safe. Do you want to go for the treasury, young lady? <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm and Nicola are now discussing her kids...including Nicola's 11-year-old daughter, who is starting secondary school in September.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Okay. Mrs. Walton. What about these other kids? What-what ages are they? :'''Nicola:''' They're 11, 9 and 5. :'''Malcolm:''' 11? :'''Nicola:''' Mmm-hmm. :'''Malcolm:''' So that's, uh, secondary school? :'''Nicola:''' No, she's, uh, still at primary, state primary. Lovely little school with, um, terrible SATS results, but, you know, really good kind of broad demographic and steel band. :'''Malcolm:''' So, she will be going to a secondary school, what, in September? :'''Nicola:''' Yeah, yeah. So, um...I-I can see where this is going. Um, it's not an issue. :'''Malcolm:''' Great! If it's not an issue, I'll just fucking toddle off, then. I'll go and have a nice relaxing wee sleep under my duvet. Probably won't even have to tug myself off, 'cause I'm so fucking relaxed about that. 'Cause I know that there is no fucking issue here. Right? :'''Nicola:''' She's not going to the comprehensive, Malcolm. She's going to a local independent school. :'''Malcolm:''' Jesus H fucking ''Corbett.'' Do you honestly think, do you honestly believe that as a minister you can get away with that? You are saying that, uh, that, that all your local state schools, ''all'' the schools that this government has drastically improved are knife-addled rape sheds, and that's not a big story? For fuck's sake. Sort it or abort it! :'''Nicola:''' Let's get this clear: My family is off limits, all right? This job is not gonna get anywhere near my husband and my kids, it just doesn't. :'''Malcolm:''' Of course it fucking does. As per the wee barcode and the serial number under your right armpit, you are now built and owned by the state, and you are under the spotlight 24 hours a day, darling! ''(beat)'' Do you know what you are? You're a fucking human dartboard, and [[wikipedia:Eric_Bristow|Eric fucking Bristow]]'s on the [[wikipedia:Oche|oche]] flinging a million darts made of human shit right at you. Can you take that? Can you? :'''Nicola:''' Okay, look. You, the "All-Swearing Eye." You didn't even know how many kids I had! You had to ask me! So who on Earth in the press is gonna even know or care? :'''Malcolm:''' Do you remember ''[[wikipedia:The Big Breakfast|The Big Breakfast]]''? Remember that programme? :'''Nicola:''' ''(exasperated)'' Yes! :'''Malcolm:''' You remember how [[wikipedia:Chris Evans (presenter)|Chris Evans]] started that? Do you remember it was a big success? And then they had that guy, [[wikipedia:Johnny Vaughan|Johnny Vaughan]], remember him? :'''Nicola:''' Uh-huh. :'''Malcolm:''' Everybody loved him. Fuck knows why, but they loved him. Do you know what this is here? This here is fucking Series 10 of ''The Big Breakfast.'' And do you know what you are? You're the fucking dinner lady that they have asked to come and present the show. The reason I didn't know about you and your children is 'cause you were so low down on the list of candidates for this job, I didn't even have the chance to look into you. ''(beat)'' So low. ''(beat)'' Wayyyyy way way way way way way way wayyy...low. :''(A brief pause...and then Malcolm starts up again.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' You are now being scrutinised for what you wear, what you say. For your hair, your shoes, your fucking earrings, your fucking cleavage ''and'' your dress, which, by the way, is ''way'' too loud! :'''Nicola:''' TOO LOUD?! :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, I'm getting fucking tinnitus here! Look. ''(beat)'' Your crooked husband, I can make go away. But your crooked husband combined with you being worried about your underage daughter coming home up the duff from some truanting bastard, I cannot. She goes to the comp, okay? :''(Malcolm finally leaves Nicola's office, allowing Nicola to recover from the Terrible Tucker Tornado.)'' :'''Nicola:''' ''(relieved)'' Oooh, God... <hr width="50%"/> :''(At Number 10, Malcolm sees Ed walking down the hall, all stressed out.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Hey, what's wrong with you? You look like you've shat a Lego garage or something. :'''Ed:''' Jim Lane's daughter is standing as an independent in Leamington Spa. :''(Malcolm and Ed start walking...)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(silently, to himself)'' For fuck's sake...fuck. ''(to Ed)'' This is gonna split our vote. :'''Ed:''' Do you think we're in trouble? Maybe we should have chosen her over Liam Bentley. :'''Malcolm:''' No. She thinks just because her dead fat-arse dad was the MP that gives her the right to be our candidate? No no no. This isn't Czarist Russia. It's not the fucking Dimblebys. :'''Ed:''' What do we do? :'''Malcolm:''' We send everyone up there, to support Liam Bentley, including the Prime Minister. :'''Ed:''' You want to send Tom up there? :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, fuck it, he'll be all right as long as he doesn't do the smile. You hit the phones, right? I'll be with you in two shakes of a crying baby. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' You have been asked by the PM, specifically, to pop along to Leamington, and do some photo ops with Liam Bentley, supporting him, yeah? :'''Nicola:''' I don't really have any choice, do I? :'''Malcolm:''' Of course you have a choice. You can decide exactly how you say yes. You can do it with a voice. Have fun with it. :'''Nicola:''' ''(Pause)'' Yes. ''(Beat)'' In my own voice. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' ''(on the phone)'' Well you know what, Howard, she's not bent, either in the sense of being corrupt or being gay. And by the way, that's an incredibly homophobic headline, you massive poof. ''(enters Nicola's office)'' You've got egg on your face, Howard, you over-easy pissbag. ''(hangs up. To Terri, Ollie and Glenn)'' Oh hey, [[Yoko Ono]] and the two remaining Beatles, piss off. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Nicola suspects that Malcolm set up the 'I am bent' photos)'' :'''Nicola:''' Malcolm. Sorry, can we just carry on talking about that thing? Was it you who positioned me there? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(waiting for a lift)'' Do you know what the first sign of madness is? Paranoia. Have you seen that film, you know, ''[[A Beautiful Mind (film)|A Beautiful Mind]]'', the one with that, er, [[Russell Crowe]]? The one where [[wikipedia:John_Forbes_Nash_Jr.|the maths guy]] thinks that the CIA are working away in his shed at the bottom of his garden? That's you. :'''Nicola:''' No. I'm not the mad one here. ''You'' are the mad one, you're Russell Crowe. :'''Malcolm:''' No, no, no, ''you'' are Russell Crowe. ''(waves patronisingly at her)'' And you need to fucking listen to me, Russell, you fucking Antipodean fucking kangaroo-loving fruitcake! See this poster stuff? That's fucking small fry. That's fucking whitebait, Russ me old [[wiktionary:cobber#English|cobber]]. ''(enters the lift)'' The really horrible stuff, that's all still about to happen to you, right? Right, you're coming in here so we can carry this on? :'''Nicola:''' What, now? :'''Malcolm:''' Err, if you can spare the time! :'''Nicola:''' Err, no. ''(Pause)'' No, I can't – I don't use lifts, I'm claustrophobic. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(incredulous)'' You're ''what?'' :'''Nicola:''' Not hugely, I can be in rooms, you've seen that, I just don't do lifts, that's all. :'''Malcolm:''' But this lift is – I mean, it's fucking huge! I mean, this is bigger than some rooms, this is bigger than some people's flats! :'''Nicola:''' It's about not being able to get out. :'''Malcolm:''' Oh, well that's great. That's fucking great, that's another fucking thing, right there: not only have you got a fucking bent husband and a fucking daughter that gets taken to school in a fucking sedan chair, you're also fucking ''mental!'' Jesus Christ, see you, you are a fucking ''[[w:omnishambles|omnishambles]]'', that's what you are. You're like that coffee machine, you know: "from bean to cup, you fuck up". :'''Nicola:''' ''(to herself, returning to her office)'' He so is Russell Crowe! :'''Terri:''' ''(at her desk, overhearing)'' Who? <hr width="50%"/> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Where the fuck is Doug Hayes? :'''Ed:''' Yes, we put in a lot of calls. :'''Malcolm:''' Well, put it a lot more calls: I'm talking 'psycho ex-girlfriend with a really good tariff'. <hr width="50%"/> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Glenn:''' Because if you are worried about Malcolm, well, you know, Ollie and I have amassed one or two tips, how to deal with him, over the years. It's pretty much common sense, really: don't drive a gas guzzler, don't sign up for [[wikipedia:Bupa|Bupa]], don't have an affair. Don't tell racist jokes, however ironic. :'''Nicola:''' Oh! :'''Glenn:''' Don't send your children to independent schools. :'''Ollie:''' Don't dig up [[Diana, Princess of Wales|Diana]] and have [[Patrick Moore]] play Nazi drinking songs on her ribs.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Ollie:''' Yeah I suppose so, he's gonna have to let her go free-range for a week, isn't he? Till after the by-election. Then he can snap her beak off, cram her into the battery cage; Nicola: 'I'm not really good with cages', ''(impersonates Malcolm)'' 'Get in there Nicola, fucking get in till you're perfectly square, and you're shiteing cuboid eggs!' :'''Terri:''' ''(sighing)'' Thank God I'm safe. I'm glued to this department and you'd have to steam me off. :'''Glenn:''' Yeah. Well you don't have to worry about me: You don't hang around in this business as long as I have without picking up contacts. :'''Ollie:''' Yes, but [[Benjamin Disraeli|Disraeli]]'s dead, Glenn, he died in the Crimea, did you not hear the town crier announce it?<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Malcolm:''' It's never too soon to go to Leamington. It's the Venice of the Midlands, if Venice was fucking horrible. :'''Malcolm:''' Have a lovely time in Leamington, yeah? I hear it's got the best [[wikipedia:Lidl|Lidl]] in the West Midlands.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Nicola:''' ''(at the poster launch in Leamington)'' And we need to be investing, er, at least – :'''Glenn:''' Invest? Did I hear her say 'invest'? :'''Terri:''' ''(on the phone)'' Ollie, she's gone off-piste, she's off the mountain now. :'''Glenn:''' Oh, Jesus. She's so far off the mountain, she's being finger-banged in a chalet by Bigfoot. == Series 3, Episode 2 == :''(Malcolm and Nicola are talking about a newspaper story calling for Nicola to be "sacked.")'' :'''Nicola:''' You've seen the sack race thing, I suppose. Yeah, there it is. :''(Malcolm, of course, thinks the story is funny.)'' :'''Nicola:''' It's not funny! It's not even accurate, because technically I was fourth. So, really, they should have said, "Fourth in the Sack race." I think we should complain to the PCC. :'''Malcolm:''' Look, stop worrying: the PM is not going to sack you after a week. Sacked after twelve months, looks like you've fucked up; sacked after a week, looks like ''he's'' fucked up. :'''Nicola:''' I'm not doing ''terribly'', am I? :''(beat)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(looking out of the car window)'' I love the way that they've sandblasted everything around here. It's so ''clean''! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nicola:''' I'd just like people to get to know the real me. You know, I feel like I'm coming across as a bit...Oh, I don't know. Glum. :'''Malcolm:''' Smug. :'''Nicola:''' Smug? :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, you're coming across as more smug than glum. :'''Nicola:''' 'Cause I am actually quite a fun person, underneath all of this. I've got loads of friends. :'''Malcolm:''' Well, I'm sure you have, but the trouble is when you say something like that, it sounds a wee bit smug. ''(to Nicola's driver)'' Can you just pull in over here? And you can take out that cyclist as you go in, I think he's [[wikipedia:Shadow_Cabinet|Shadow Cabinet]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Nicola)'' I have here the minutes which are a record and – :'''Ollie:''' No no no, you can't just overwrite minutes! You specifically can't do it, 'cause you can't unlock a PDF file. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Robyn:''' Do you know, Malcolm? ''(Malcolm stares back, gravely)'' Er, the best way to clear a paper jam? :'''Malcolm:''' I don't know. Kill a kid an hour until it sorts itself out? <hr width="50%" /> :''(Nicola is trying to talk to Malcolm...)'' :'''Nicola:''' So. Malcolm -- :'''Malcolm:''' Oh, oh, oh. Incoming body parts. Excuse me. (Malcolm answers his cell phone) Look, if this has got any bigger, you're gonna feel the thump of a fucking harpoon in your thorax. :'''Nicola:''' ''(to Robyn)'' Does he know? Well, follow him. :'''Malcolm:''' (still on his phone) I hope you like shitting toenails, because that's what you're gonna be doing all of next week. And don't worry, I've painted them yellow so they'll look like fucking sweet corn. :''(Robyn is trying to secretly follow Malcolm, but backs away when she sees him coming her way)'' :'''Malcolm:''' (on his phone) The guy's a fucking liability! (softly) Jesus Christ. Listen, I want... :''(Robin makes her way back towards the others, and they have to whisper so Malcolm doesn't hear them talking.)'' :'''Robyn:''' Look, I couldn't hear everything, he takes very long strides... :'''Ollie:''' What, are you a fucking penguin? Just run. :'''Robyn:''' Look, I'm a civil servant, not a fucking Olympic athlete! :''(Malcolm seems to be off his cell phone...)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Right. What's occurring, Hermann Goring? :''(But then his cell phone rings. Again.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' (annoyed) ''WHAT?'' (And then...Malcolm doesn't like what he hears...) You're fucking kidding me. Excuse me. ''(to Nicola and the team)'' Two minutes and I will be back. <hr width="50%"/> :''(On Nicola's orders, Robyn starts following Malcolm again. She's soon approached by Glenn.) :'''Glenn:''' Hi, Robyn! Hey, look. Um...You know Phil Davis? Is he a Davies or a Davis? :'''Robyn:''' I know you don't like me, Glenn, but you're not sacking me. :'''Glenn:''' What? :''(Both Glenn and Robyn are smiling and laughing at each other falsely throughout their conversation...)'' :'''Glenn:''' (still laughing) I'm protecting you. :'''Robyn:''' Okay, well, you know, I've got your back as well. Even though I know you are the guy who authorized the wiping of the back-up. :'''Glenn:''' Well, that may or may not be true. :'''Robyn:''' Well, it is true. :'''Glenn:''' Well, it may or it may not be true. :'''Robyn:''' Well, that is true. <hr width="50%"/> :''(After spending a long time on his cell phone, Malcolm finally makes his way back to Nicola's office to see her and the staff. This time, he's making his entrance by jokingly pretending to be the Big Bad Wolf.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' (in a gruff voice) ''Little pigs...Little PIGS...Let me come in. Don't worry about the hair on your chinny-chin-chin.'' (Malcolm's still smiling.) :'''Nicola:''' So what was your call? :'''Malcolm:''' What was my call? :'''Glenn:''' Did you... :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' You want to know what my call was? :'''Nicola:''' Was it important? :'''Malcolm:''' I'm sorry, I didn't realize that I had to run my calls through your bed-wetters' switchboard here. I usually just dial 1-1-Hate. :'''Nicola:''' Malcolm, do you know? :'''Ollie:''' Obviously, he knows. :'''Glenn:''' No, he ''doesn't'' know. :''(Nicola decides to come clean to Malcolm.)'' :'''Nicola:''' There has been a massive irretrievable data loss. The last seven months' worth of new immigrant details have gone, apparently lost in the computer. :''(Malcolm can't help but smile and chuckle with disbelief...)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Do you know what, you know what's really fucking sad here is that I don't even have the energy to pretend I already knew. Which is for the best, because I'm gonna need all of my fucking energy to fucking rip all of your bodies to bits with my bare hands and sell off, ''(sees Nicola gesture to herself)'' yeah, sell off your fucking flayed skin, as a ''sleeping bag! To a fucking normal person!'' :'''Nicola:''' Can I just say that getting angry actually isn't gonna help anything. I've done anger, I'm currently at grief, I'm working my way towards, er, bargaining, whatever, you know – you're behind me. :'''Malcolm:''' So what is your great strategy for dealing with this? Come on: I mean, I'm fucking all ears, I'm fucking [[Andrew Marr]] here! :'''Nicola:''' So let's – Terri, let's hear what you – :'''Malcolm:''' Let's go, let's get going, high-level tactical discussion, I'm up for it! :'''Terri:''' Right, er, blaming the department minister might be a high-risk strategy. :'''Malcolm:''' Oh, high-risk: saucy! Power serve! :'''Nicola:''' My pitch would be: this department is fatally flawed, it's out of condition, it's obese, it's asthmatic. :'''Malcolm:''' That's it girl, back over the net. :'''Glenn:''' You need to be really sure about that, Nicola. :'''Malcolm:''' Yes, wise words from the distinguished elderly gay fucking tennis coach here. :'''Ollie:''' Seriously, I think we should talk about my strategy further because I really think that that's the way. :'''Malcolm''' ''(interrupting)'': Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, the fucking wee ball boy's having a go now with his wee fucking tight shorts on! ''(to Robyn, who has returned with a tray of drinks)'' What about [[wikipedia:Sue_Barker|Sue Barker]]'s little sister here? What's she got to say? You got something to say, to add to the conversation? :'''Robyn:''' No, er, just that there was no lemon zinger so, um, ''(to Nicola)'' this is coffee, is that all right? :'''Malcolm:''' Do ''The Guardian'' know about this? :'''Nicola:''' Oh fuck, I don't – Fucking ''Guardian'', I don't know. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, as it's referred to in my department. :'''Terri:''' Should I find out? Get some feelers? :'''Malcolm''' ''(looking at Terri's breasts)'': Yeah go on, get your feelers out for the lads. :'''Nicola:''' What do you think, Malcolm? Shitting on the department, will that work? :'''Malcolm:''' Yes, let's cause a little bit of friction. Let's fire someone. What about Glenn? :'''Ollie:''' No, you can't just fire Glenn like that! :'''Nicola:''' We could fire Glenn. :'''Terri:''' Shall I get his file? :'''Glenn:''' No! I've got a list! :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' See, there you are, he's got a list. :''(They're all leaving Nicola's office)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' You're a new broom, you're sweeping up trouble with one end, broom-handling incompetent staff up the tunnel with the other. :'''Nicola:''' So, Malcolm, how do we play it at ''The Guardian?'' :'''Malcolm:''' (smiling uncomfortably) Smile! Be gay! Smile, smile, smile! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm''' ''(arriving at Nicola's'' Guardian ''lunch)'': Afternoon, ladies! I heard there were sandwiches and I'm a fucker for cress – No no no, please don't get up, I'm not [[wikipedia:Sildenafil|Viagra]]. Geoffrey. ''(shakes hands)'' :'''Geoffrey:''' Always a pleasure. :'''Malcolm:''' Good to see you. John, how are you doing? ''(John gets up to shake hands)'' I just want to tell you, I really enjoyed your novel. :'''John:''' Oh, thank you very much! :'''Malcolm:''' Way of writing a fucking awful story. Joking, joking!<hr width="50%" /> :''(Nicola has accidentally revealed the data loss to an on-the-record journalist.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' FUCK'S SAKE! Jesus – Christ! Well, now we've got another fucking adjective to add to fucking 'smug' and 'glum', haven't we?! Fucking 'RETARDED'! JESUS Ch– Do you not think it would be germane to ''check'' who you're talking to?! IT'S A FUCKING NEWSPAPER OFFICE! IT'S NOT A FUCKING SANATORIUM FOR THE FUCKING DEAF, IS IT?! ARE YOU ''SO'' DENSE?! Am I gonna have to run around, slapping badges on people, with a big tick on some and a big cross on others, so you know ''when'' to shut your gob and when to open it?! Jesus Christ! Oh, but that'll probably confuse you as well, won't it?! That'll be too confusing! You'd see the cross and go "Oh, fuck! X marks the spot! Better tell this little person all about the Prime Minister's fucking CATASTROPHIC ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION!" Oh, but not to worry, not to worry, you've sent fucking Ollie over there to deal with it. ''(Nicola tries to speak)'' FUCKING OLLIE! HE'S A FUCKING- HE'S A FUCKING KNITTED SCARF, THAT TWAT, HE'S A FUCKING BALACLAVA! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nicola:''' It just seems to me that all we'd be losing if we got rid of Robyn is somebody who makes a weak cup of tea, you know, I don't think we've – ''(mobile rings)'' Shit, Malcolm. ''(answers)'' Hello? :'''Malcolm''' ''(in his office)'': Get over here, now. Might be advisable to wear brown trousers, and a shirt the colour of blood. ''(hangs up)'' :'''Nicola:''' Fuck. :'''Glenn:''' Has he run off? He does that. :'''Nicola:''' Yeah, it's all just gone really [[wikipedia:HBO|HBO]].<hr width="50%" /> :''(Nicola and Terri sit down in Malcolm's office.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' I just wanted to say to you, by way of introductory remarks, that I'm ''extremely'' miffed about today's events and, in my quest to try and make you understand the level of my, um, unhappiness, I'm likely to use an awful lot of what we would call ''violent sexual imagery'', and I just wanted to check that neither of you would be terribly offended by that. :'''Nicola:''' I could actually do without the theatrics, I think, Malcolm – :'''Malcolm:''' Enough. E-fucking-nough. You need to learn to shut your fucking cave, right? Today, you have laid your first big fat egg of solid fuck. You took the data loss media strategy, and you ate it with a lump of ''[[w:Escherichia coli|E. coli]]''. And then you sprayed it our of your arse at 300 miles per hour. :'''Nicola:''' I simply made a mistake, Malcolm – :'''Malcolm:''' You got [[wikipedia:Source_(journalism)#"Speaking_terms"|'on the record' and 'off the record']] fucking mixed up! What would have happened if, like, [[wikipedia:George_Martin|George Martin]] had done that? We'd have no fucking Beatles, that's what. Now, I don't give a fuck about that: I've had to fucking sit next to [[wikipedia:Paul McCartney|Paul McCartney]] at fucking [[wikipedia:Chequers|Chequers]]! :'''Nicola:''' The data loss wasn't my fault. :'''Malcolm:''' Fine, yeah, but I tell you what, it came out fucking pretty fast once you were in there, didn't it? Which makes me wonder, should I just go and talk to the boss? Should I go and tell him, "I don't think she's up to the job"? :'''Nicola:''' You said yourself that if he sacks me after a week it looks like ''he's'' fucked up. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, but that was before, when your only problem was a fucking shit pun in a newspaper, and a face like[[w: Dot Cotton | Dot Cotton]] licking piss off a nettle! :'''Nicola:''' ''Okay'', I messed up, right? I messed up! But I will from now on listen to every bit of advice you give me. Yeah, I'll go on ''Question Time'' wearing a push-up bra and a fez. Yeah, I'll do the hustings on stilts if that is what you tell me the strategy is. Because you know about that stuff, Malcolm. I know that. It's just that I've got things I want to do, all right? :'''Malcolm:''' Of course you do, like Montessori fucking rocking horses, I suppose. :'''Nicola:''' No, no. :'''Malcolm:''' ''The Mail'' have the motherlode on this, right? So that means that there is a way through this for us, but it entails you, my dear, eating a complete concrete mixer full of humble pie. :''(Terri speaks for the first time in the meeting)'' :'''Terri:''' ''(with pen and diary ready)'' Right, what's the strategy? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(dramatic growl)'' The [[wikipedia:Kraken|Kraken]] awakes! :'''Terri:''' No no no, it's just that, I mean, this is the first bit of the meeting that hasn't been about expletives and fezzes and stilts and [[wikipedia:Teabagging|teabagging]], I mean, this is the bit that relates to media management. :'''Malcolm:''' I didn't say anything about teabagging. Do you even know what teabagging is? :'''Terri:''' Not really, no; er, I'm told it's unpleasant.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Nicola:''' I don't know where 'smug' comes from, I mean, I've aged ten years in the past week: I looked at myself in the mirror this morning and I thought, 'Fuck me, it's a [[wikipedia:Pantomime_dame|pantomime dame]]'. So an informal off-the-record lunch meet at ''The Guardian'': apparently it's a sort of shoot-the-breeze, you know, 'Have you seen the latest [[Mad Men|''Mad Men'']]? Isn't [[wikipedia:Andrew_Neil|Andrew Neil]] a jerk?' sort of thing. :'''Malcolm:''' ''The Guardian''? Don't tell them any fucking anecdotes about your children, or they'll offer you a fucking column.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Nicola:''' Right, when I came into this department I thought, 'OK. Let's turn a fresh page.' So I turned a fresh page, and you collectively have drawn a ''gigantic fucking cock'' on it!<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Glenn''' ''(to Robyn)'': Part of the strategy is to warn us when Malcolm is coming back, so it's your job to block the path. You're [[wikipedia:The_300_Spartans|the Spartans]] at [[wikipedia:Battle_of_Thermopylae|Thermopylae]]. You're [[wikipedia:Richard_Egan_(actor)|Richard Egan]] with an oily chest. :''(later, in Nicola's office)'' :'''Ollie:''' One possible strategy might be not to tell anybody. :'''Glenn:''' What, we keep it a secret? :'''Robyn''' ''(running in)'': Sorry, sorry. Malcolm's coming. Sorry. :'''Glenn:''' What? You were meant to be delaying him, you're supposed to be the Spartans! :'''Robyn:''' Well I couldn't really remember what the Spartans did, I'm not as old as you, Glenn!<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Marianne Swift:''' Data, exactly, I heard what you said about your data loss. :'''Malcolm:''' Did you say that? :'''Nicola:''' No, er, well I don't remem– I don't recognise those words, and I don't recognise you! :'''Marianne Swift:''' What? :'''Malcolm:''' So you see, the Minister may just have misspoke. But what she said was just words, right, not real statements. You know, that's like – you know, if there was a blast of wind over a harp, and it hit the strings, this wind, and it made the harp accidentally say, 'I'm a cat fucker', would that mean that that harp was actually a cat fucker, in real life, in reality? In the world we live in? :'''Nicola:''' Yeah, that's a really good question, yeah. == Series 3, Episode 3 == :''(Today is the day of the big Party Conference.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(on his cell phone)'' We need to persuade Matt Delaney not to [[wikipedia:Crossing_the_floor#Changing_parties|cross the floor]]. I think we should use the [[wikipedia:Carrot_and_stick|carrot-and-stick]] approach, yeah. You take a carrot, you stick it up his fucking arse, followed by the stick, followed by an even bigger, rougher carrot. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Nicola and Ollie arrive at Glenn's hotel room, where Glenn has already arrived and waiting for them.)'' :'''Glenn:''' Ah, you got past mad conference security, then? :'''Nicola:''' It's bonkers, isn't it? It's like trying to get through Israeli customs wearing a T-shirt saying, "I heart bombing Israel." :'''Glenn:''' I know. I mean, I had to wait for an hour and they practically gave me a cavity search. :'''Ollie:''' Aw, only practically? The sense of disappointment in your voice is almost palpable. :''(Nicola notices the size of Glenn's room.)'' :'''Nicola:''' Oh, your bed's bigger than mine. In fact, your whole room's bigger than mine. :'''Glenn:''' ''(feeling awkward)'' Well, um...Do you want it? :'''Ollie:''' "Mr. Lova Lova," full marks for foreplay there, Glenn, straight in. :'''Nicola:''' ''(reassuring Glenn)'' Do I want your room? No, honestly. I just thought they'd all be the same, sort of vanilla and monotonous. :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Did you ask them for your special tiny kettle? :'''Nicola:''' ''(chuckling)'' It's an electric thimble. :'''Ollie:''' Maybe the room only looks bigger because Glenn's kettle is so tiny! :''(The three of them now shift their discussion to more serious and important business.)'' :'''Nicola:''' ''(to Glenn)'' So, has our People's Champion arrived? Have you spoken to her? Is she alright? :'''Glenn:''' Oh no no no no, she should be over it by now. Her husband died, what, 4 months ago? So, I mean, she's beyond the crying phase. :'''Ollie:''' She's clearly not that over it, Glenn. She's leading a public campaign to change building regulations. :'''Nicola:''' Yeah, well, you know, 7 people died when that café collapsed. She's entitled to her 15 minutes. How do you think I should, um... mention the tragedy when I talk to her? :'''Ollie:''' Just, um, "Sorry for your loss, thoughts with you at this very difficult time," yada yada yada, all of, you know... Not-Without the "yada yada yada" bit, obviously. :'''Nicola:''' Am I gonna need some jokes for my speech? :'''Glenn:''' Oh, do you think that's a good idea? :'''Nicola:''' Not collapsing café jokes. :'''Glenn:''' No. :'''Ollie:''' That's a shame, I had a bunch of those. Thought you could call them, uh, the Little Chef Seven. You know, Special of the Day: Crumble! :'''Nicola:''' See, that's not funny. <hr width="50%"/> :''(John Duggan, a press officer at the conference, arrives at Nicola's room to introduce himself to Nicola and her team.)'' :'''John Duggan:''' Howdy Doody, Minister. I'm John Duggan, your press officer at the conference. :'''Nicola:''' Oh, hello. Nicola Murray, hi. :'''John:''' How was your holiday? :'''Nicola:''' Ah, well, you know, we wanted to go to Florida but Malcolm 'suggested' we went to [[wikipedia:Suffolk|Suffolk]], and so the kids were miserable, weather was miserable, and Malcolm rang and shouted at me for looking miserable. :'''John:''' I saw the photo of you, in the wellies next to the horse. 'Why the long face?' It was funny. ''(Nicola looks up, unimpressed)'' Or not, depending on your perspective. Still, things are looking up: you're in [[wikipedia:Eastbourne|Eastbourne]] now, which really is the jewel in the crown of our shit seaside resorts. [[wikipedia:Clacton-on-Sea|Clacton]] of the South West, they call it.<hr width="50%"/> :''(Nicola is trying to get John to push through the press a story about Peter Mannion taking a second holiday, which would put Peter in a negative light.)'' :'''Nicola:''' John, are you across this thing about, um, Peter Mannion lining up a second holiday? :'''John:''' Um, Mannion, right, yeah. :'''Nicola:''' Peter Mannion, my opposite number, you know? :'''John:''' Yes. :'''Nicola:''' Okay, good. So you're going to push that for the press for me, yeah? 'Cause I just want to remind people that while he's criticizing us over the recession, he's, you know, swanning around on his friend's massive yacht. :'''John:''' Oh, okay. "He's gay." :'''Glenn:''' Oh, for fuck... :'''Ollie:''' No, not gay. :'''Nicola:''' It's a hypocrisy thing. :'''John:''' (stammering) Yeah, well, I mean, in-in-in in principle, yeah. But it-it it is conference, so my to-do list is longer than a big willy. :'''Nicola:''' John, without wishing to sound blunt...Um, actually, you know what? Fuck it, let's sound blunt. ''(bluntly)'' It is your job. :'''John:''' I'll do what I can. That is a Duggan promise. :''(John leaves the room.)'' :'''Nicola:''' He's not gonna do it, is he? :'''Glenn:''' Absolutely fucking useless. :'''Nicola:''' He's completely not gonna do it. <hr width="50%"/> :''(John returns just as the group is discussing Julie Price, Nicola's "People's Champion.")'' :'''Ollie:''' ''(to John)'' Glenn says that she's changed her Facebook status to 'single and up for it', ''(John starts laughing)'' which I believe is actually why Glenn brought her here in the first place. :'''Glenn:''' Listen, John: There's an outside chance that she may just prefer to meet a human being, so I'm gonna come down with you. :'''Ollie:''' Good idea, you can buy her a coffee, can't you – you could maybe buy her a Collapsuccino. :'''John:''' ''(laughing)'' Might bring back memories of her latte husband. As in late husband. We're like [[wikipedia:Dick_and_Dom|Dick and Dom]], aren't we? Great chemistry. :'''Glenn:''' Yeah. Except neither one of [[wikipedia:Dick_(slang)|you]] are Doms. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Nicola is in the bathroom -- on her cell phone, though. She's having a chat with Terri, who's driving her car while talking to Nicola.)'' :'''Nicola:''' Terri, hi, it's me. :'''Terri:''' ''(on the phone, happily)'' Hi, Nicola! :'''Nicola:''' Have you read up about this Peter Mannion second holiday thing on the Dig Deep blog? :'''Terri:''' No, no, I haven't actually seen that. Where's he off to? :'''Nicola:''' Amalfi. So could you make a few phone calls? See if you can get it some press traction? :'''Terri:''' I'm sorry, I just can't do that. That's a party political matter. You're gonna have to get John Duggan onto that, 'cause it's his responsibility. :'''Nicola:''' Trouble is, Terri, that the only thing John Duggan is doing here is depriving a village somewhere of a twat. :'''Terri:''' Ah, yes, I've heard he's about as useless as a chocolate teapot. Although I probably shouldn't say that, sounds a bit racist, doesn't it? :'''Nicola:''' Where are you, Terri? :'''Nicola:''' I'm ju-just on the way down to Hastings to see my sister. Poor thing, having some trouble shifting a piano. So what I'm doing is I'm working from home today. :'''Nicola:''' No, you're not working and you're not at home, so as my 16-year old would say, "You are totally busted." :''(And make no mistake -- Terri is totally busted! She exhales, knowing Nicola has caught her in a lie.)'' <hr width="50%"/> :''(In this scene, Nicola and Ollie are working on her upcoming speech.)'' :'''Nicola:''' OK, right, what have we got on the workplace gym reward scheme? :'''Ollie:''' Er, fighting obesity is one of the biggest challenges we face, sleepwalking into a crisis, ticking time bomb – :'''Nicola:''' You write almost entirely in generic meaningless buzzwords, don't you? :'''Ollie:''' I could take it more street, if you prefer – 'You is all proper bloaters and it is well gay, biatch' – but, you know, this is the language – :'''Nicola:''' No, but, you know – I just don't want to come across all [[wikipedia:Nanny_state|nanny-state]] and sort of – 'Death by Chocolate is not a funny name for a pudding, it's a real and genuine concern', you know, I don't want to give the press another opportunity to see me as Mrs. Sour Power Vinegar Tits sucking on a lemon. :'''Ollie:''' Fine, I understand, so we'll sugar-coat it. :'''Nicola:''' Well, leaven it, ideally, with a couple of jokes. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, all right, no problemo. ''(beat)'' Now, jokes now? :'''Nicola:''' Yeah! :'''Ollie:''' OK, how about: 'We want people to be fit, not fit to burst'? :'''Nicola:''' I'm gonna have to go down the slapstick route, aren't I? Do the speech straight, but dressed as Freddie Starr's Hitler. <hr width="50%"/> :''(In this scene, Ollie has introduced Malcolm to Julie Price, the "People's Champion" that Nicola is announcing in her speech. Malcolm is genuinely warm and empathetic towards Julie.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Julie Price...I'm so sorry for your loss. Hey, you're being looked after well enough, yeah? :'''Julie Price:''' Yeah, not bad. :'''Malcolm:''' You stick with Ollie. He's...yeah, he's a good guy. I know he looks a bit like an anorexic [[wikipedia:Leo Sayer|Leo Sayer]] there. Listen, could I have a photograph taken with you? :'''Julie:''' Who, me? :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. I've got a little correction of memories, you know. [[Nelson Mandela|Mandela]] and stuff. ''(to Ollie)'' Ollie, would you be so kind as to do the honor, good sir? :''(Ollie takes a picture of Malcolm and Julie together.)'' :'''Julie:''' ''(to Malcolm, happily)'' You're a stunner, ye. :'''Malcolm:''' No, no, you're a stunner. You really are. Very impressive. You know, I'm not the only one who finds you impressive. The PM...he finds you very impressive. :'''Julie:''' That's good. :'''Ollie:''' Well, great. :'''Malcolm:''' I think that there is a point in his speech today... :'''Julie:''' Mmm? :'''Malcolm:''' ...where he would be very honored to introduce you. Is that something that would interest you? :'''Julie:''' Yeah. :'''Ollie:''' Yes, it might clash, though, with, uh, with Nicola's championing of Julie's cause. :'''Julie:''' Oh, God. Look, the nerves are getting to us. I need to use your bog. :''(Poor Julie has to go to the bathroom...)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, that's the ladies there. :''(Ollie doesn't like what Malcolm's doing.)'' :'''Ollie:''' Malcolm, you can't...You can't do that. She's our bonus track. She's our DVD Easter egg. We need her for the speech. :'''Malcolm:''' Boo-fucking-hoo. Can do and have done. :'''Ollie:''' Yes, but that...What, in two hours, two hours, think of a whole new speech? :'''Malcolm:''' Oh, welcome to the Men's Room! Jesus Christ, listen. It's this simple, right? If she goes on with Nicola, she'll be watched by 15 housebound mouth-breathers. Oh, and by the ever-swelling ranks of the unemployed, who fucking hate us, by the way. But if she goes on with Tom, she'll make the 10 o'clock news, right? :''(Julie has finally returned, AND...)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Julie, hi. Feel better? :'''Julie:''' Yeah, good. :'''Malcolm:''' Yes. Now what's it gonna be, Julie darling? Do you want to go with the teas maid...or with the caravan? :'''Julie:''' ''(excited)'' I'm going with the caravan. That is the Prime Minister? :'''Malcolm:''' That is the Prime Minister, yes. :'''Julie:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Sorry, Ollie. It's nice to meet you. :'''Malcolm:''' Julie, this way, come on. Are you actually in the hotel, or are you staying... :''(As Malcolm and Julie leave together, Ollie runs back to Glenn's room to alert Glenn and Nicola of the bad news.)'' <hr width="50%"/> :''(Nicola and Glenn are in her room trying to write her speech...)'' :'''Glenn:''' "So, joking aside..." Of course, we haven't fucking got those yet. :'''Nicola:''' I know. :'''Glenn:''' Whatever they are, right... :''(When all of a sudden, Ollie re-enters the room.)'' :'''Ollie:''' ''(anxious as hell)'' Right, right. :'''Glenn:''' "It's now my great pleasure -- " ''(to Ollie)'' We're just doing the... :'''Ollie:''' No no no, listen. Um -- listen! :'''Glenn:''' What? :'''Ollie:''' You know when something, well, something bad, but you know when something bad happens and you think it's not as bad as... :'''Nicola:''' What's happened? :'''Glenn:''' Where's Julie? :'''Ollie:''' Malcolm's commandeered Julie for the PM's speech. We bumped into each other and he... :'''Glenn:''' What do you mean he's ''commandeered'' her? You're supposed to be looking after her, for fuck's sake! :'''Nicola:''' No, no, no, no, no, he hasn't. No. :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' We can't even fucking trust you to babysit! :'''Ollie:''' ''Malcolm'' took her... :'''Glenn:''' Just say no! :'''Ollie:''' ''(getting defensive)'' You don't just say no! :'''Glenn:''' What part of "no" don't you understand? :'''Ollie:''' Babysitting isn't a fucking... :''(Nicola starts pounding and stomping on a pillow -- pretending that the pillow is Malcolm!)'' :'''Nicola:''' ''MALCOLM! FUCKING -- FUCK MALCOLM! FUCK MALCOLM! FUCK MALCOLM! FUCK MALCOLM! FUCK MALCOLM!'' :'''Ollie:''' Well, um, that was my, uh, initial reaction as well. :'''Glenn:''' Deep breath, Nicola. :'''Nicola:''' Yes, yes I know. Thank you, thank you, FUCK OFF! Thank you! :'''Glenn:''' Right, yes. What do you want us to do? :''(Nicola pushes Glenn and Ollie out of the way and runs to the bathroom.) :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Do you want your Rescue Remedy? :'''Nicola:''' No, fuck off! ''(Nicola takes a few deep breaths...)'' Get me some ketamine. I want to separate my mind from my body. :'''Glenn:''' Jesus Christ, poor Nicola. I'm going to go and talk to the bastard. :'''Ollie:''' Yes. :'''Glenn:''' Take some reasonable... :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn, sarcastically)'' Yeah, that's right, rip your shirt off! Go on, Braveheart! FREEDOM! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' Listen, just casually mention to Alan Dunn and, er, Lindsay Anorexi at the Mail, that the PM has brought Julie Price to the conference. :'''John:''' That's not strictly true, though, is it? :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well ''[[wikipedia:Strictly Come Dancing|Strictly Come Dancing]]'' isn't strictly dancing, is it? They also have a bit at the beginning where [[wikipedia:Bruce_Forsyth|an old man]] ''dribbles''. So what? :'''John:''' Well, I didn't really follow that. Um, my point is... :''(Malcolm sees Glenn coming his way...and Glenn's pretty darn mad now.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Oh, Glenn, right. Okay, mate, look, I can see that you're a tad peeved. :'''Glenn:''' I'm not having it. You've gone too far. :'''Malcolm:''' Hey, get a grip, Glenn. I didn't fucking come in your mouth. :''(John starts laughing)'' :'''Glenn:''' ''(to John, angrily)'' Are you in on this? :'''John:''' Oh, God, no, no, no. I'm just obeying orders, you know, like a Nazi guard. (John jokingly gives the Nazi salute.) Only in a non-gassy way. :''(to Julie)'' You're not Jewish, are you? :'''Julie:''' No. :'''John:''' ''(relieved)'' Oh, good. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to John)'' Can you just take her? :'''John:''' Oh, yeah, uh... ''(to Julie)'' Why don't you go in here? There's some important people and biscuits in there. Have a coffee. Didn't mean to bring back bad memories. :'''Julie:''' ''(confused)'' What are you on about? :'''John:''' Your husband dying in a café. :''(While John takes Julie into the room, Malcolm and Glenn continue their argument.)'' :'''Glenn:''' You can't just take her! That's people trafficking! :'''Malcolm:''' Am I being threatened by [[wikipedia:Harold Bishop|Harold fucking Bishop]]? :'''Glenn:''' No, Malcolm... :''(John comes back into the hallway to try and make peace...)'' :'''John:''' Okay, guys, can we just... :''(But then, Malcolm sees Ollie coming to join the shenanigans.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Oh, shit, wow, here's the beige fucking Power Ranger now. :'''Glenn:''' Yeah, and we're taking her back! :'''Malcolm:''' Do not make this a disciplinary issue. Do you hear me, soldier? :'''Glenn:''' I found her! I fucking found her! :'''Malcolm:''' She was on the fucking news! Get this guy out of here! :''(NOW, tempers are flaring!)'' :'''John:''' Can we get a bit more sane about this, please? :'''Malcolm:''' It is not a fucking discussion. :'''John:''' Right, nobody argue. :'''Glenn:''' I am going to go in there and I am going to take her! :'''Malcolm:''' You will fucking not! :'''Glenn:''' Fuck off! Fuck -- :''(And then -- Malcolm punches Glenn in the NOSE! Ollie catches Glenn's fall.)'' :'''Ollie:''' Jesus Christ! :'''John:''' Oh my God... :'''Malcolm:''' You've hurt yourself. :'''John:''' I've got so much on, as it is. :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' You hit me! :'''Malcolm:''' I did not hit you! I went to hit the fucking wall and pulled my fist back and hit you in the fucking face instead! :'''Glenn:''' I think you've broken my nose! :'''Malcolm:''' No no no, that's just a scratch, mate! :'''John:''' Noses can't break, anyway. That's a myth. :'''Glenn:''' ''(to John)'' What the fuck are you talking about? :'''Malcolm:''' Look, look, just lean forward. You know, you want the blood to flow out of your nose, not down your throat like a fucking gurgling drain. :'''Glenn:''' Don't touch me! :'''Ollie:''' ''(feeling sorry for Glenn)'' Look at him. :'''Glenn:''' Have you got a hanky? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' You go look after Julie, right? ''(to John)'' John, let's get Glenn back to his room. :'''John:''' Okay, yeah. :''(Malcolm's now looking around for possible witnesses)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to John)'' Nobody saw that, did they? :'''John:''' No, it's like when a fight starts, you're just like, "Fight, fight, fight!" :''(Ollie and Julie are coming near)'' :'''Julie:''' All right? All right? :'''Ollie:''' If we can just get... :''(Julie notices that Glenn's holding his nose.)'' :'''Julie:''' Is he okay? :''(The guys are pretending Glenn's OK.)'' :'''Ollie:''' He's fine, he's fine. :'''Malcolm:''' He's just got a nosebleed. :''(Ollie and Julie leave peacefully, BUT...)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to John)'' Say, you... :'''John:''' Yeah. :'''Malcolm:''' If you breathe a word of this, right? :'''John:''' Mmm-hmm. :'''Malcolm:''' Listen to me, Richard fucking Stilgoe, you fucking jazzy bastard! :'''John:''' I am listening. :'''Malcolm:''' Help me here! Let's get fucking Noses Supposes back to his fuck... :''(But Glenn is GONE!)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Where is he? :'''John:''' I don't know. :'''Malcolm:''' Jesus Christ! Come on! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nicola:''' I think you should leave. :'''Malcolm:''' Oh, do you? :'''Nicola:''' Yes! ''(beat)'' What, are you gonna hit me? :'''Malcolm:''' I don't fucking hit women. :'''Ollie:''' Except Glenn, obviously. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Just you fucking leave Glenn out of this Glenn's been through enough as it is. ''(to Glenn, who is in the bathroom)'' Listen mate, I'm really – I'm really sorry, right, I'm really sorry about what happened in the heat of the fucking moment, yeah? I'm under a lot of pressure right now, I'm trying to plug a lot of leaks out there; I had my [[wikipedia:Hans_Brinker,_or_The_Silver_Skates#Popular_culture:_the_legend_of_the_boy_and_the_dike|finger in the dyke]], but the dyke's very very squirty. :'''Ollie:''' Is it Fat Pat? I've heard that she's, er – :'''Malcolm:''' Shut up. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' Now that you've lost [[wikipedia:Geordie|Geordie]] Julie, the merry fucking widow, you've got a hole in your speech. Right, so have we got a contingency for that? :'''Nicola:''' Yeah, we'll figure it out, thank you. :'''Malcolm:''' Well look, why don't I help you? Let's roll some tits up the flagpole, and see if anyone gets wood! :'''Nicola:''' Oh Christ, it's like being trapped in a fucking boys' toilet. Right, all we've got is Mannion's second holiday, we need to take the piss out of that. :'''Ollie:''' OK, how about, er, "He's called Peter 'Two Holidays' Mannion"? :'''Malcolm:''' Glenn. :'''Glenn:''' Erm, 'He's, erm – works really hard – at planning his holidays'? :'''Malcolm:''' That's really fucking quality fucking explosive sarcasm you're lobbing at them, mate. Boom. :'''Glenn:''' I feel I'm in a therapy group being run by my own rapist. :'''Malcolm:''' Right, okay, well, how about... :''(Suddenly, everybody's cell phones are ringing...)'' :'''Glenn:''' Oh my God...it's got out. :'''Ollie:''' No, really? I thought it was room service cold-calling. :'''Malcolm:''' Who the fuck is leaking this out there? ''(to Ollie)'' Find out who's pissing this over the wall. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, w-well, the thing about the Internet, Malcolm, is it's quite big... :'''Malcolm:''' IT'S ON ROB HOLT'S BLOG! :'''Ollie:''' I don't know what he looks like. I don't... :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' You need to get your people's champion out of this hotel before some tabloid minge-flannel starts soft-soaping her. :'''Nicola:''' So we've got her back again now. Is that right? :'''Malcolm:''' Don't be so fucking touchy about this! I've a lot to fucking deal with here! :'''Nicola:''' ''(sarcastically)'' ''MY'' responsibility again ''NOW!'' Doesn't matter about the speech. That's fine, Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, it does fucking matter! :''(Nicola then slams the bathroom door.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Women, huh? Women slam the door, where did this idea come from, huh? ''(bangs on the bathroom door)'' [[w:The Flintstones|WILMAAA]]! Fuck off! :'''Nicola:''' ''(from inside the bathroom)'' I'm making a phone call. :'''Malcolm:''' Make a phone call! [[wikipedia:Who_Wants_to_Be_a_Millionaire?_(UK_game_show)#Lifelines|Phone a fucking friend]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Nicola makes her phone call to...Terri.)'' :'''Terri:''' ''(answering in a sing-song voice)'' Hello? :'''Nicola:''' Terri, it's-it's Nicola again. We're at DEFCON 1. Or-Or 5, or whichever the really bad one is. :'''Terri:''' ''(looking out her car window)'' You stupid pillock! Oh, boy racers. :'''Nicola:''' ''(getting desperate)'' Terri, can you harness that anger and bring it down to Eastbourne, please? I desperately need you to come down and help me. :'''Terri:''' ''(replying to Nicola)'' The problem is this party political problem, because I'm a civil servant and I cannot possibly be seen to have anything to do with a party conference. :'''Nicola:''' ''(begging)'' Terri, please, I'm standing in a factory that makes fans, right? And a-a man has walked in with a giant shit-spraying machine, and you happen to be bunking off work and not very far away, so I need you here! :'''Terri:''' ''(reluctantly giving in)'' Listen, I've got a cagoule in the back and I could come incognito with the hood up, if that's gonna help you out. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nicola:''' ''(looking at her speech)'' 'Government department – The gov–' Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck! How can I learn this when you're still writing it? I feel sick! :'''Ollie:''' No, it's exciting, it's good, it's really good. In fact, I would say: the fact that you're hearing it for the first time when you say it will possibly give it a freshness and a zing, you know – :'''Nicola:''' You think? :'''Ollie:''' Yes, you know, this is politics as it is, isn't it? It's ''[[The West Wing]]''! :'''Nicola:''' You're not [[wikipedia:Josh_Lyman|Josh]], Ollie, just write the fucking speech. :'''Ollie:''' It doesn't mat– :'''Nicola:''' Come on Nicola, pull yourself together. :'''Ollie:''' ''(to himself)'' I fucking am Josh. :'''Nicola:''' Nicola Murray can do this, come on! :'''Ollie:''' Wow, did you just refer to yourself in the second ''and'' third person? 'Cause they're both – :'''Nicola:''' Write the fucking speech! :'''Ollie:''' Right, OK, yes, I'm just slightly distracted by all the Nicola Murrays in the room! <hr width="50%"/> :'''John:''' Malcolm, you're really scaring me now. :'''Malcolm:''' I'm scaring you? I'm so sorry I'm fucking scaring you. I mustn't scare you, must I? I won't scare you, OK, I'll just explain to you what I'm gonna fucking do to you: I'm gonna take your bollocks, I'm gonna fucking rip them off, I'm gonna fucking paint eyeballs on them. And I'm gonna stitch them onto a fucking sock and use that as a mouthpiece. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm''' ''(to John)'' Oh, twat features! I mean that literally. <hr width="50%"/> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(on his phone)'' No, Dan Miller is not positioning himself for the leadership. Well, for a start, you can't have a prime minister called Dan. People called Dan work in fucking fitness centres and listen to West Coast jazz. <hr width="50%"/> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''John:''' Er, no, I've gotta wait for Glenn to bring Julie what's-her-face back from the toilet so I can give her the tour. :'''Ollie:''' Where are they? :'''John:''' Glenn has taken her to Nicola's toilet. It's like being back at college, isn't it, you know, [[wikipedia:Student_orientation|Freshers' Week]], it's just as busy, isn't it, you know – :'''Nicola:''' Stop talking. :'''John:''' Right, OK. :'''Ollie:''' Oh dear, that's bad, Glenn and a woman in a toilet. 'Hello Julie. Would you like to see the Minister's room? ''(John starts laughing)'' It's very cosy, isn't it, just right for a little kissy-kissy? Maybe some tickle-me tickle-me? ''(mimes undoing his flies)'' Have you met my little friend, old blind Bob?' ''(turns round to find that Glenn and Julie Price have returned)'' Just an impression of my friend, old blind Bob. :'''John:''' Liar. :'''Ollie:''' Listen, right, I'm not being really horrible, but are you actually autistic? :'''John:''' No; but you'd be surprised how many people ask me that. <hr width="50%"/> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Malcolm:''' And I need you, big man. :'''Glenn:''' Why? :'''Malcolm:''' Because I'm gonna invite some hacks up here. I'm gonna give them some drinks, and I'm gonna show them what good mates we are, huh? :'''Glenn:''' Do we have to? :'''Malcolm:''' Yes, we do have to do it! And I want you to be telling some really fucking amusing anecdotes about our long weekend in Prague. :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' He's gonna hit me again, isn't he? I don't mind being hit, it's just the making up afterwards that scares me shitless.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Nicola:''' Terri, I really need you to come down here and help me. All I've got here, right, is a psycho man, a bleeding man and a sarky teenager. It's like some fucking logic problem: 'How do I get the chickens across the river? How do I get the ''fucking chickens'' across the river?' <hr width="50%"/> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''John:''' See, this is the problem with the modern age, the blogosphere, and it is a fear, it's everywhere, we call it the i-Zilla. No one can tame the [[wikipedia:Beast_of_Bodmin_Moor|Beast of Blogmin]]. :'''Malcolm:''' What the fuck are you talking about? Make a deal with these bloggers. Threaten them! It's your fucking job, isn't it? :'''John:''' Malcolm, that is not how the internet works; it's a world-wide, you know, web, that's where that comes from. :'''Malcolm:''' Look: I need you to find the [[wikipedia:Itsy_Bitsy_Spider|incy-wincy fucking spider]], take your rolled-up wank mag and fucking ''squash'' the fucker, right, can you do that? :'''John:''' Malcolm, I've got a lot on. ''(Malcolm glares at him)'' Not a problem. That's a Duggan promise.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Ollie''' ''(looking out of the window onto the car park)'': You've got to see this, come here. Glenn is putting on his retrosexual moves. :'''Nicola:''' No! :'''Ollie:''' Yeah. :'''Nicola''' ''(looking out of the window)'': Who is she? :'''Ollie:''' I dunno, but she's smashed, if she is a she. I think I can see her madam's apple there. :'''Nicola:''' Maybe they're just talking. :'''Nicola and Ollie''' ''(seeing them kiss)'': Oh! :'''Ollie:''' That's horrific. This is like the worst porn film ever. This is like the porn film where the woman rings for a special adviser to give her an overview of the last five years of social policy and they end up fucking. :''(both laugh)'' :'''Nicola: [[w:The Bourne Ultimatum|The Porn Ultimatum]].''' == Series 3, Episode 4 == :'''Ollie:''' What's happened to Terri? She looks like a female impersonator! :'''Glenn:''' Yeah I know, I thought you only got made over like that at a gay undertaker's.<hr width="50%" />'''Ollie:''' ''(re: Nicola's daughter, Ella)'' She's kicking off at school. Basically, ever since Malcolm made Nicola put her in the fucking comp, she's headed for what Mr. [[w:Neil Diamond|Neil Diamond]] I believe would have called 'a [[w:Sweet Caroline|Sweet]] [[w:Columbine High School massacre|Columbine]] incident'.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Emma:''' Hey, do you know what, I wonder if we'll get to sneak up on Ollie and catch him not working. :'''Phil:''' Better still, I'd like to see him getting bollocked by Malcolm. ''(impersonates Malcolm)'' 'I'm gonna rip out ya bladder and wear it as a bandana!' :'''Emma:''' OK, erm – :'''Phil:''' I need to know what Glenn Cullen looks like. :'''Emma:''' Oh, Glenn Cullen, er, fifties, kind of depressed looking; I always think of, like, a bloodhound. :'''Phil:''' OK, I'll get a picture of Mick Hucknall. :'''Peter''' ''(arriving)'': Morning, comrades! How goes the revolution? :'''Phil and Emma:''' Morning. :'''Peter:''' Our tanks on their lawn at last, fuck-a-doodle-doo! :'''Phil:''' Talking of which, may I present the DoSAC Implementation Matrix! :'''Emma:''' Don't ask. :'''Peter:''' Look, this is a very straightforward set of meetings with the senior civil servants. You know, 'Where's the stop-cock? Where can I get a decent cup of coffee? Here's our legislative agenda for the next three years'. :'''Phil:''' Yeah I know, but Stewart's very keen for us to use a visit to DoSAC as a scouting exercise? :'''Peter:''' Well I'm very keen to use Stewart's mouth as an ashtray, but it doesn't mean I'd do it. <hr width="50%" /> :'''Malcolm:''' ''(explaining the Opposition Drill)'' When the Opposition are here, you tell them nothing except where the toilets are, but you lie about that. And Terri, keep your tits in.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Emma:''' ''(receiving an alert on her phone)'' That's Stewart. I'm just gonna have to show him up. :'''Peter:''' Great, Mr. Blue Sky; we're not gonna practise fist bumps again, are we? :'''Emma:''' Phil, if you mention anything out of turn while I'm gone, I will send your mum that picture of you dressed up as Cher, OK? ''(taps her phone)'' One button... ''(leaves)'' :'''Peter:''' Cher? :'''Phil:''' Celine Dion, karaoke night. It's totally harmless. ''(checks that Emma has gone)'' OK, Ollie told Emma that there's a shitstorm brewing about the minister's daughter. :'''Peter:''' She was only the minister's daughter, but she knew how to take the collection. :'''Phil:''' She's 12. :'''Peter:''' Oh, shit, strike that last remark, it's actually a little poem that... gets much worse.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Stewart:''' Ah Peter, glad we could hook up. Just wanted to take a couple of turns with you on the ideas carousel, yeah? Think of ways we could turn your team into a little cluster of excellence. :'''Peter:''' Oh, you mean you wanted to have a chat.<hr width="50%" />'''Peter:''' I hate to be a spoilsport, but can we briefly refocus on our visit to DoSAC? :'''Stewart''': Yeah, who are you meeting? :'''Phil:''' Got a couple of meetings with two top people, you know, the big swinging dicks. :'''Stewart:''' Yeah, OK, well don't forget the tiny static dicks. :'''Phil:''' Yeah, we're not allowed to talk to her boyfriend, though. :'''Emma:''' Very funny. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ollie:''' Oi! Oi! [[w:James May|James fucking May]]! It was ''you'' sprayed the private information about the school, wasn't it?! Like [[w:Jenson Button|Jenson Button]] shaking up a magnum of piss! :'''Phil:''' Oh, just listen to yourself! Okay, at first it was private information between you and your boss, then it was private information between you and your girlfriend, ''then'' it was private information between your girlfriend and her colleagues! :'''Ollie:''' Yeah? :'''Phil:''' I mean, I can draw you a diagram if you like! it's like a fucking swine flu pandemic! :'''Ollie:''' I've clearly made an error, which I have to take up with Emma... :'''Phil:''' Exactly! :'''Ollie:''' ... but you shouldn't be fucking using it for political – :'''Phil:''' This is ''your'' fault! It's not my fault! You're like the man who fucked the monkey that gave us AIDS, that's who you are! :'''Ollie:''' ''(incredulous)'' I'm like the man who did what? Who "fucked the monkey ''(laughs)'' that gave us AIDS"? :'''Phil:''' That's right: you keep saying "it wasn't me, it wasn't me" and there's monkey shit on your balls, not mine! :'''Malcolm:''' ''(walking in)'' I love it, I love it - it's the pre-match sparring for the big Super Gayweight Title Fight, eh? ''(makes boxing motions)'' Okay, Oliver, wipe away the pre-cum. You've got some work to get on with. :'''Ollie:''' ''(quietly)'' Yeah, Malcolm, um...? :'''Malcolm:''' What? :'''Ollie:''' The Nicola thing, I think, is getting a bit worse. It looks like her daughter's about to be excluded for bullying. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, I know, Glenn told me that. :'''Ollie:''' What? When did –? :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. The thing is, all we've got to do is, if we try and keep this info very, very closely contained, we'll be all right, yeah? :'''Ollie:''' Okay. :'''Malcolm:''' Okay? :'''Ollie''': Okay. :'''Malcolm:''' On you go. ''(walks up to Phil)'' Okay, Shitehead Revisited. Did you know that Nicola Murray's daughter is about to be expelled from school for fucking ''bullying?'' :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' What are you doing? :'''Phil:''' No, what... :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Don't worry. ''(to Phil)'' Did you not know that? :'''Phil:''' No, why would I... No... :'''Malcolm:''' Of course you wouldn't know that, 'cause the only people who know that right now are Mrs. Murray, her daughter, Ollie and me, yeah? If this gets into the press, I would ''know'' that it came from you. :'''Phil:''' Clever. ''(chuckles, trying to hide his nervousness)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(also chuckles, rather deviously)'' And I would rain down on you so hard, you would have to be reassembled by fucking air crash investigators. ''(Phil tries to protest)'' ''Do not fucking'' interrupt me, son, ever! Now get this into the noggin, right? You breathe a ''word'' of this, to ''anyone'', you mincing fucking '''''CUNT''''', and I will tear your fucking skin off, I will wear it to your mother's birthday party, and I will rub your nuts up and down her leg whilst whistling [[w:Bohemian Rhapsody|Bohemian fucking Rhapsody]], right?! :'''Phil:''' ''(nods in shock)'' Yeah. :'''Malcolm:''' Now...get out of my fucking sight! :'''Phil:''' Yeah. ''(wanders off, visibly terrified)'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Peter:''' ''(Discussing Malcolm)'' His bark's worse than his bite. ''(Sees Malcolm approaching)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Peter! :'''Peter:''' And speaking of rabies injections, here he is! :'''Malcolm:''' I didn't know you were still alive. How's the 80's tribute band? Still doing the [[wikipedia:Robert_Palmer_(singer)|Robert Palmer]] lookalikey thing, huh? :'''Peter:''' Malcolm, you're looking well, for someone twice your age. Any news on the aneurysm? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Peter:''' ''(Answers his mobile phone)'' Ah, Stewart. What flavour of nut-brown piss are you going to pour in my ear? :'''Stewart:''' How's the info-pump firing? :'''Peter:''' You mean Terri Coverley? She's useless, she knows nothing. You two would get on. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Glenn:''' Nicola, just got a text from Malcolm. He says he knows Mannion was here. :'''Nicola:''' How does he know that? :'''Glenn:''' Text reads: 'I know about your fucking meeting with that ageing flamenco guitarist. You are NOT' (big letters) 'to go home.' There's been an escalation. He says he wants you at Number 10 'ASAFP'. :'''Nicola:''' 'F' meaning – :'''Glenn:''' Feasibly, I should imagine. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Nicola arrives at Malcolm's office)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Hi Nicola, thanks very much for coming over. Can I get you something? :'''Nicola:''' Actually, you haven't got any whisky, have you? :'''Malcolm:''' Whisky, yeah. Hasn't been touched for a while; still got [[wikipedia:Anthony_Eden|Anthony Eden]]'s lipstick on the bottle. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nicola:''' OK, so it's Mannion. What do we do? I mean, do we go after him with one of your, you know, things that you say, like a big bum-dildo of vengeance or something? :'''Malcolm:''' There you go, that's my girl, yeah! [[wikipedia:Indiana_Jones_(franchise)|Indiana]] Murray and the Bum-Dildo of Vengeance, I like it.<hr width="50%" />''(deleted scene)'' :''(arriving at the DoSAC building)'' :'''Phil:''' This is ''mint''. It's like the fall of Troy but with visitor's passes instead of a [[wikipedia:Trojan_Horse|wooden horse]]. :'''Peter''' ''(quoting [[Alfred, Lord Tennyson#Ulysses (1842)|Tennyson's]]'' [[Alfred, Lord Tennyson#Ulysses (1842)|Ulysses]]'')'': 'It may be that the gulfs will wash us down, / It may be we shall touch the Happy Isles / And see the great Achilles, whom we knew.' :'''Phil:''' I meant the film ''[[Troy (film)|Troy]]''? :'''Peter:''' Awesome.<hr width="50%" />''(deleted scene)'' :'''Emma:''' Do you fancy a cup of tea? :'''Stewart:''' Er, yes, you got anything herbal? :'''Emma:''' OK, yeah. ''(walking off, to herself)'' Something perfumed and essentially gay. ''(sees Phil)'' Oh, speak of the devil. Whoa, you look like you've shat yourself. :'''Phil:''' I had a close encounter with Malcolm Tucker. ''(Emma laughs)'' It's not funny, he's like some horrible character from an Ian Rankin novel. :'''Stewart:''' Where's Peter? :'''Emma:''' Yeah, where is Peter? :'''Phil:''' I don't know. It's a bit of a blur to be honest, I just kind of ran out of the building. I just kept walking, I ended up in [[wikipedia:Greenwich|Greenwich]]. :'''Emma:''' Greenwich? :'''Phil:''' I think I was following the river, I wanted to get to the sea.<hr width="50%" />''(deleted scene)'' :'''Peter:''' Do you channel all your passions into pie charts, Stewart? I don't even think you're excited about winning. I bet when you orgasm, you just put a little tick on a chart next to your bed. == Series 3, Episode 5 == :''(Terri smiles and waves at Peter.)'' :'''Peter:''' Why does the useless one keep staring at me? :'''Phil:''' Because she's a mentalist and she loves you. You ever crash your car in the mountains, she'll be the one waiting to drag you out. ''(both chuckle)'' You've seen ''[[wikipedia:Misery (film)|Misery]]''? :'''Peter:''' I'm in the fucking BBC, aren't I? <hr width="50%" /> :''(Nicola, Terri, Glenn, Phil and Peter are all waiting in the green room. Terri continues to smile and stare at Peter.)'' :'''Peter:''' ''(quietly)'': The stupid one keeps staring at me; could you block the view, or something? :'''Phil:''' OK. ''(sits on the table, between Terri and Peter)'' :'''Peter:''' OK. :'''Phil:''' ''(to Terri)'': Sorry. :'''Peter:''' Why isn't Emma here to help? :'''Phil:''' She's dumping Ollie tonight. Result! Probably crying his eyes out right now, like Kate Winslet losing on a scratch card. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Glenn:''' Well, that's a nice tan you haven't quite managed to get there, Peter. :'''Peter:''' Oh yes of course, that's very funny, because of the shitstorm you created about my second holiday. I had to cancel my second holiday. I see what you did there, you should be in stand-up. :'''Phil:''' [[wikipedia:Ben_Elton|Glenn Elton]]. 'Yes indeed, ladies and gentlemen!' :'''Peter:''' Sorry about the puffin. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm is in his office talking to someone on his cell phone)'' :'''Malcolm:''' No, I don't give a fuck whose birthday it is, I'm going to enjoy myself here listening to this Murray-Mannion ding-dong on the radio. The fat cat story's breaking, so the opposition are gonna be sweating like Vegas Elvis on a squash court. :''(Malcolm's personal assistant, Sam, comes into the office with a box)'' :'''Sam:''' Happy Birthday, Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' Stop saying that, right? Just you go home. What is this? Don't...Is this my new anal beads? :''(Malcolm looks at the box)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Okay, this has been X-rayed, yeah? I'm not gonna get fucking, a present bomb in the face? :''(Malcolm opens the box. It contains a cake which reads 'Happy Birthday C*nt')'' :'''Malcolm:''' This could be from anybody. ''(opens the accompanying card)'' Ah, it's from the Prime Minister. This is fucking Tom's idea of a joke, yeah? And he wonders why we don't let him out in public.<hr width="50%" /> :''(Nicola is discussing what she's going to say about her Fourth Sector Initiative on Richard Bacon's radio show with Terri and Glenn)'' :'''Nicola:''' Fourth sector, people power. Inspiring each other out of disadvantage. :'''Terri:''' And you need to put in the liking words as well, not just the headlines. :'''Nicola:''' I am going to talk in complete sentences. :'''Terri:''' I think you should rehearse with those headlines. :'''Nicola:''' Okay, how about "I believe in people power. Will you fuck off, Terri?" Is that okay? <hr width="50%"/> :''(Meanwhile, Peter is discussing what he's going to talk about on the show with Phil.)'' :'''Peter:''' "We call it the Common Sense Checklist, Richard. We need to cut red tape. We were talking about that at the Oval the other day, weren't we, Richard?" :'''Phil:''' ''(loving it)'' That's just the sound of wickets falling. :''(But then, Phil's cell phone rings.)'' :'''Phil:''' Stewart. :'''Peter:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Stewart? Oh, good. I wonder what Mr. Political Correctness Gone Boring wants... :'''Phil:''' ''(answering his cell phone)'' Hi, Stewart. :'''Stewart:''' Look, a little note for Peter, yeah? Tell him to dump the common sense checklist. Yeah, it's an ex-list. The new world order is this: Hit the city hard, yeah? It's "Reverse Gekko." Greed is bad, money is awful. "I Heart [[wikipedia:Tracy Chapman|Tracy Chapman]]," yeah? :''(Phil leans over to Peter to quietly tell him the bad news...)'' :'''Phil:''' ''(to Peter)'' He wants you to scrap the common sense checklist and hit the city hard over the bonuses, call them all money-grabbing wankers. :''(A BBC employee lets everyone know that Nicola and Peter are on, but Peter still has something to say to Phil.)'' :'''Peter:''' Phil. ''(Peter quietly pulls Phil aside.)'' Some of my best friends are money-grabbing wankers. And I've got to give a speech to a roomful of them tomorrow at the CBI lunch. I'm not gonna say, "Hello, chums, I've just taken a slash in the soup." So, no, the answer's no. :''(As Peter makes his way to the studio, Phil gets back on his cell phone to talk to Stewart.)'' :'''Phil:''' Stewart, um, Peter's not going to want to do that. :'''Stewart:''' No, I don't want him to want to do it, Phil. I just want him to do it. :'''Phil:''' ''(to Peter)'' Stewart says it's a JB diktat, you have to do it. :'''Peter:''' Tell him to stick a goose up his arse. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Peter Mannion and Nicola Murray are now in the studio with Richard Bacon. Phil, Terri and Glenn are in the control room.)'' :'''[[wikipedia:Richard_Bacon_(broadcaster)|Richard Bacon]]:''' Coming up shortly, we've got what could be a rather fiery showdown between two political heavyweights. After trading blows in the dailies, it's now time for them to meet face to face. So, it gives me great pleasure to introduce Nicola Murray... :'''Nicola:''' Hello. :''(Richard gives Nicola a polite 'please wait' hand gesture)'' :'''Richard:'''...Secretary of State for the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship. ''(Richard gives Nicola the 'OK.')'' :'''Nicola:''' Hello, again. I got it right that time. I managed to come in at the right time. :'''Richard:''' Hello, and from the shadow cabinet, the right honourable Peter Mannion MP. :'''Peter:''' Hi, Richard. Good to see you again. :'''Phil:''' ''(in the control room)'' THE MANNIONATOR! :'''Richard:''' ''(to Peter)'' Good to see you again as well. Uh, listen, guys, first of all... :'''Terri:''' ''(to Phil)'' How old are you? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Richard:''' Either of you got any piercings? Any tattoos? :'''Peter:''' Uh, I've got an appendix scar, does that count? :'''Richard:''' Classic! :'''Peter:''' Well, you know how it is. Out with a bunch of pals, got a bit tipsy, rolled into casualty, yeah. Hey, we all got it done. :'''Phil:''' Yeah! In your face, bitch! :'''Richard:''' That's very funny. Nicola Murray, any piercings? :'''Nicola:''' Um...Uh, no... :'''Terri:''' Yes, you do. :'''Nicola:''' No piercings at all, no. :'''Terri:''' You have got some piercings. :'''Richard:''' Okay, all right. :'''Nicola:''' Uh, sorry, no piercings at all, no. :''(All the while, Glenn is trying to remind Nicola about her pierced ears.)'' :'''Nicola:''' Um, some people say that my distinguishing feature would be probably my ears, which I'm told are quite small. :'''Richard:''' Right. :'''Nicola:''' But I do think we have to be a little bit careful about taking too light an approach to culturally sensitive issues, like body piercing or female circumcision...Uh, earrings! Earrings. I've got pierced ears. :'''Richard:''' Let's leave that there. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(listening to Nicola on the radio)'' Fuck me, this is like a clown running across a minefield! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Glenn and Terri are now out of the control room, having an impromptu talk.)'' :'''Glenn:''' I'm really worried about Nicola. She's behaving like a squirrel trapped in a pedal bin. What I'm asking you to do is have a word with, um, Blondie, that producer. And cut Nicola some slack because she needs all the sympathy she can get. :'''Terri:''' The problem is, though, Glenn, if you say to a journalist, 'Can you avoid that topic?', that's when they really go for it. I mean, it's like saying to the school bully, 'I'll wet myself if you tickle me'. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Throughout his show, Richard reads out listeners' texts about piercings.)'' :'''Richard:''' 'Dear Richard, I don't see the point of piercings. If you were a robot, you wouldn't stick bits of dangling flesh all over yourself, would you?' :'''Richard:''' 'Dear Richard, my friend's daughter got piercings all round her mouth. She looks like she works in a ball bearings factory, and there was an explosion and all the shrapnel got embedded in her face. I don't like it.' :'''Richard:''' 'Dear Richard, I love piercings. They are part of who I am, literally. Tina in Weymouth.' <hr width="50%"/> :''(Nicola is now talking about her Fourth Sector Initiative.)'' :'''Nicola:''' What we would be looking for is getting people to inspire each other out of poverty, out of disadvantage. :'''Richard:''' ''(somewhat cynically)'' How can you be ''inspired'' out of poverty? :'''Nicola:''' Well, I'm choosing to ignore your rather cynical tone... :'''Richard:''' I'm not being cynical, Nicola Murray. It's a perfectly legitimate question. How can you be inspired out of poverty? :'''Nicola:''' Okay, you are being cynical, but anyway, we'll park that. Um, one of our initiatives is to designate certain people as fourth sector pathfinders. Now they would be pillars of a normal community. :'''Richard:''' Are you talking about "have-a-go heroes," for example? :'''Nicola:''' No, we're talking about everyday heroes. :'''Richard:''' I assume you'd want to avoid Charles Bronson-style vigilantes? :'''Nicola:''' ''(chuckling)'' Oh, yes. Yes, we don't, we don't want [[wikipedia:Charles Bronson|Charles Bronson]]. More, more, Charles, uh...Dance. :'''Richard:''' Okay. :'''Peter:''' Or Chaplin, yeah? <hr width="50%"/> :''(Suddenly, Glenn's cell phone goes off in the control room.)'' :'''Janice:''' ''(the show's producer, to Glenn)'' Out! :'''Glenn:''' Alright! :'''Phil:''' Is that Nicola's doctor? Probably trying to book a circumcision. :''(Glenn goes out of the control room to answer his phone.)'' :'''Glenn:''' Malcolm? :'''Malcolm:''' Are you producing porno now for the visually impaired? :'''Glenn:''' Wh– What? :'''Malcolm:''' Because what I'm hearing here, on my radio, is Nicola Murray being roundly fucked. What is this, [[wikipedia:Bukkake|Bukkake]] [[wikipedia:Book_at_Bedtime|at Bedtime]]? Just, fu– put Ollie on. :'''Glenn:''' Ollie, erm – Well he's not here, he's at home. :'''Malcolm:''' Tell that fucking stick of celery to get his arse out of there, and get down to 5 Live right now. Tell him to inject some energy into Nicola's performance. At the moment, she's coming across like a Nazi float at the fucking [[wikipedia:Notting_Hill_Carnival|Notting Hill Carnival]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Peter:''' It seems to me what I call a "political meringue." Uh...sweet but, uh, lightweight and very little substance. :''(Meanwhile, in the control room...)'' :'''Phil:''' ''(clapping)'' He's like bloody [[wikipedia:Peter Ustinov|Ustinov]], isn't he? :'''Terri:''' Uh, it's just such an old joke. Can you just please get out? :'''Janice:''' ''(to both Phil AND Terri)'' Yeah. Okay, right. Can you just both fucking get out of the studio now? You and fucking Rupert Brooke, just out! :''(Meanwhile, Richard Bacon continues talking to Peter)'' :'''Richard:''' I know exactly what you mean. The other day, the BBC sent me on a Health & Safety away day, where they taught me how to carry a cup of coffee. :'''Peter:''' ''(laughing)'' This, this is exactly what I mean. That makes no sense. That's nonsense, and uh... and we need to say no to the nanny state, uh, "boo" to nanny, and claw back some personal responsibility in the name of common sense. :'''Richard:''' We need to...Hang on, we need to say boo to nanny? :'''Peter:''' Yeah, it's just a play on [[wikipedia:Jools Holland|Jools Holland]]'s Hootenanny. (stuttering) I-I, I didn't write it, it's not... :'''Richard:''' Right. :'''Peter:''' But, you know...Hey nanny no. :'''Richard:''' Right. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Glenn:''' Oh hello, nice dinner? :'''Emma:''' Fuck off, [[wikipedia:Bagpuss|Bagpuss]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Phil spots Emma in the green room. Terri is also in there.)'' :'''Phil:''' Hey, that was quick. Did you tell him? :'''Emma:''' Kind of. He's getting the message. :'''Phil:''' Look, I couldn't say while you were together, but I really don't know what you saw in him. :'''Emma:''' You told me all the time how much you hated him. That was one of the main reasons I went out with him so long. :'''Terri:''' ''(to Emma)'' Are you splitting up with Ollie? :'''Emma:''' Sorry, can you actually hear all right over there? I can pop into the studio and get some microphones so you can get all the details. :'''Terri:''' No, I can hear fine. Yes, no, I think that's a really good idea. I mean, for your sake. I'd back you up on that. :'''Emma:''' ''(pleased)'' What, I have your backing? Oh, fantastic. Thanks. :'''Phil:''' Hey, Emma, look, you're clearly overemotional right now. Why don't you go home, you know, drink some mojitos with your girlfriends and talk about shoes? I've got it covered here. :'''Emma:''' Yeah. Well, actually, Stewart called me in because he wanted me to SatNav Peter out of the dead end you've driven him into. So, perhaps you should piss off and read that ''[[wikipedia:Marie Claire|Marie Claire]]'' you nicked off me. <hr width="50%"/> :''(And then, Phil's cell phone rings again -- and once again, Stewart's on the other line.)'' :'''Phil:''' ''(answering his cell phone)'' Hi, Stewart. He's great, isn't he? :'''Stewart:''' "Boo to nanny?" Phil, no one watches Jools Holland, yeah? We need to be appealing to ''One Show'' man and ''Holby City'' woman. :'''Emma:''' What's he saying? :'''Phil:''' Just shut up, Emma. The men are talking? :'''Stewart:''' Is Emma there? :'''Phil:''' Yes, she is here. :'''Stewart:''' Thank God! Put her on, Phil. :''(Emma gets on the cell phone to talk to Stewart.)'' :'''Emma:''' Stewart, hi. :'''Stewart:''' This is the brief. Got a pen? :'''Emma:''' Yeah, hang on. ''(to Phil)'' Have you got a pen? :'''Phil:''' Yeah, you're not having it. :'''Terri:''' ''(to Emma)'' Do you need a pen? :'''Emma:''' Uh, I do, thanks. ''(to Stewart)'' Sorry, Stewart, hang on. :'''Stewart:''' Why don't you have one just sellotaped to your chin, Emma? Write this down! Write on his shirt! Just write it down! :''(Phil tries to take the pen from Emma, but Emma's not messing around.)'' :'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' I'm serious. :'''Stewart:''' ''(to Emma)'' Are you listening to Daddy? :'''Emma:''' Okay. :'''Stewart:''' I want you to pull some info, right? On city bonuses, tax evasion, non-doms. Let's name and shame some fat cats! I want to hear some fact-enforced noise! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Ollie arrives at the BBC Building.)'' :'''Ollie:''' Many thanks, Glenn. :'''Glenn:''' What? :'''Ollie:''' For getting me in on my special night off. Emma was furious when I said I was coming in here, she was moaning, she was screaming, and then I said I was coming in here. Do you see what I did? :'''Glenn:''' ''(smiling mockingly)'' I see. :'''Ollie:''' It was a joke about my sexual prowess. :''(But then, Ollie sees Emma.)'' :'''Ollie:''' What the fuck are you doing here? :'''Emma:''' Oh, I'm having an affair with Richard Bacon. I'm incredibly aroused by men with meat in their surname. :'''Ollie:''' You. You told me...I cooked a lovely meal... :'''Emma:''' Ordered. And it wasn't lovely. :'''Ollie:''' What the fuck's going on? :''(Emma's cell phone rings)'' :'''Emma:''' Sorry, I've got to take this. I'll talk to you later. :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' So! She DID come! She came into work! Do you see what I did there? :'''Ollie:''' Fuck off, Glenn. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Nicola is accusing Peter and his party of blocking initiatives that would allow bonuses to the so-called "fat cats.")'' :'''Nicola:'''...when you yourself where actually in cabinet. We have tried repeatedly to initiate legislation which will outlaw these bonuses. Now, your party has persistently blocked those attempts. :'''Richard:''' I think it's an interesting point. What do you say, Peter Mannion, to the accusation that these huge bonuses and the offense that they cause are the fault of your party? :'''Peter:''' I think that's a completely fatuous argument when Nicola's party has been in government for what seems like about a century, and bonuses under their watch have increased...What? Five fold? Oh, dear! Come on, Nicola. Pull your finger out. :'''Nicola:''' Okay, fine. So you personally would like to see more done to hit the fat cats? :'''Richard:''' ''(to Peter)'' Is that what you're saying? :'''Peter:''' ''(stammering)'' Well, yes-yes. I...I would. If the person receiving the bonus hasn't performed well... :'''Richard:''' Can I, can I simplify that? Let me simplify this. Would you outlaw bonuses? :'''Peter:''' ''(still stuttering)'' In the case of them being undeserved, yes... :'''Nicola:''' Which the bulk of them are, so basically you're saying the bulk of your friends in the city are disgusting. :'''Peter:''' ''(confused)'' No, no, no. Yes, yes, but only if the bonuses they receive are unfair. :'''Richard:''' I think, well, I think we've got -- It's alright. I think we've got your point. Uh, thank you. Let's move on. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Phil enters the green room)'' :'''Ollie:''' Right, if you speak to me, I will pour hot coffee on your balls. :'''Phil:''' Hey, guy, I don't want to fight. I want to clear the air, actually. We're like those two little old people in the [[wikipedia:Weather_house|weathercock]]: you come out, I'm in there, and we're swapping round. :'''Ollie:''' You're Mr. Sunshine, are you? :'''Phil:''' I'm Mr. Sunshine! :'''Ollie:''' You're a little wooden twat, in a little wooden house. :'''Phil:''' Come on, there's no need – we can be friends! I'm thinking two enemies, they come together when they realise it is no more. Aragorn and Boromir! Me: Aragorn, the true king. You: Boromir. [[wikipedia:Middle-earth_objects#Horn_of_Gondor|Your horn]] is broken, and will be blown no more. :'''Ollie:''' This inability to talk without using ''Lord of the Rings'' metaphors is one of the very ''many'' reasons that we could never be friends. :'''Phil:''' Okay. By the way, you'll be getting a bill. That's OK, though, I presume you're expecting that. :'''Ollie:''' ''(sighing)'' Okay, I'll bite. Why will I be getting a bill, Phil? :'''Phil:''' Ah, let me see, partial rent, electricity, gas, internet use, toilet paper...Kept a note every time you were round at the flat. :'''Ollie:''' You're moving out? Oh, that's a shame. I'll miss doing that secret and bad thing I did with your roll-on deodorant. :'''Phil:''' I'm not moving out. I'm just guessing that seeing how Emma's dumped you, you won't be coming round much any more. :'''Ollie:''' What? :'''Phil:''' Oh, let me just savor this moment. Thank you, God. She hasn't told you, has she? :'''Ollie:''' No, what? :'''Phil:''' She's dumped you. She did it tonight. :'''Ollie:''' No, no. She didn't do it tonight. :'''Phil:''' Let me get a little photo of this moment. Hey, new desktop picture here: Ollie being dumped! :''(Ollie doesn't appreciate being told of this bit of news by Phil.)'' :'''Ollie:''' Why would she tell you first, dickwad? :'''Phil:''' I've no idea, she told me to get out of the flat tonight so she could dump you. Anyway, in the words of [[wikipedia:Shakespears_Sister|Shakespears Sister]], ''(sings in falsetto)'' '[[wikipedia:You're_History|You're History]]'! ''(Ollie throws his coffee at Phil's groin)'' Ah, f– It's a dark suit and it's only lukewarm, I ''still'' win! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Richard is taking another call on his show)'' :'''Richard:''' James Henderson, what's your point? :'''Peter:''' Is that Jim Henderson from Clifton? :'''Richard:''' ''(surprised)'' You two know each other? :'''Peter:''' We've met. We know each other. :'''James:''' ''(talking to Peter on the phone line)'' We've met! Yes, we ''have'' met. I'm surprised to hear you turning on the city boys. Um, you never found the JFU donating huge wodges of cash to your party ''disgusting.'' :'''Peter:''' Well, that's a separate issue... :'''James:''' ''(continuing)'' Even though everyone knows they've got links with sweatshops. :'''Richard:''' Wow! :'''Peter:''' What? :'''Richard:''' Well, that's quite an extraordinary allegation, very serious. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(still in his office)'' YES! :'''Richard:''' ...links to sweatshops? :'''Peter:''' That should be looked into, but... :'''Malcolm:''' Oh, it's my birthday! :'''Peter:''' ...I don't know the facts. :'''James:''' I've just told you the facts! Are you calling me a liar? :'''Janice:''' I can't believe my ears, did we just break a story that wasn't 'the [[wikipedia:Ipswich_Town_F.C.|Ipswich]] manager just got sacked'?<hr width="50%" /> :'''Malcolm:''' ''(leaving his office)'' It's my birthday! ''(Offering someone a piece of cake)'' Cunt cake? Go ahead! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Stewart is on his cell phone, telling Emma he's coming down to the BBC Studios.)'' :'''Stewart:''' Right, Emma. Look, look, look, I'm just coming in. Okay? Yeah, look, I'll be 20 minutes, right? So see if you can get Peter to do something inoffensive for 20 minutes. Hard boil 4 eggs! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Meanwhile, in the green room...)'' :'''Emma:''' ''(in a bad mood)'' Great. :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Emma)'' You tell fucking Man at C&A that I'm dumped before I do, is that it? :'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' What's he talking about? :'''Phil:''' ''(to Emma)'' I thought he knew. :'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' Oh, you fucking twit! :'''Glenn:''' Do you mind keeping it down? Some of us are trying to listen. :'''Phil:''' I can fill you in: Peter's tearing through her like a Viking at a nunnery. :'''Glenn:''' If he's a Viking, he's [[wikipedia:Cnut_the_Great|King Cnut]]! :'''Phil:''' ''WHAT?'' :'''Glenn:''' Yes, he's drowning in the party donations. You should ''listen!'' :'''Phil:''' Bullshit! :''(Phil and Emma are listening on the radio. Ollie's trying to get Emma's attention.)'' :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Emma)'' You can't even fucking look at me! :'''Phil:''' We're trying to listen here now. :'''Ollie & Emma:''' Shut the fuck up, Phil! :''(And now, EVERYBODY'S arguing!)'' :'''Janice:''' ''(storming into the green room)'' OK, do you want to shut up? And if you lot don't keep this down, I'm gonna have you all ejected from the building. ''(points at Terri)'' You are the worst, my chair still smells of your perfume! :'''Terri:''' Excuse me! For the record, I have done nothing. :'''Glenn:''' Yes, that will be your epitaph, Terri. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Nicola and Glenn are celebrating just outside the green room)'' :'''Nicola:''' Great! Good! Yes! I'm cooking now. :'''Glenn:''' Cooking with gas! :'''Nicola:''' I'm fucking Delia Smith! I'm cracking eggs, I'm pouring in baking powder, I'm using fucking vanilla extract. It's great! :''(Peter is in the green room with Phil, trying to recover from his stumbles on 5 Live)'' :'''Peter:''' That was not good. That was the opposite of good. :'''Phil:''' Bad. :'''Peter:''' How do I counter? Have you heard of JFU? :'''Phil:''' I didn't actually hear that bit, so I don't know. :'''Peter:''' You couldn't hear? CHRIST! You're...''(Chuckling, looking at Nicola and Glenn outside)'' Sorry, it's just... :'''Peter:''' ''(to Phil)'' You're here to hear, Phil. Why do you think you're here? You're HERE to HEAR! You're not here for eye candy! :'''Phil:''' Look, it's not my fault. It was very noisy in here. Ollie and Emma were splitting up at the time, and I couldn't really focus... :'''Peter:''' ''Emma?'' ''Emma?'' Why is ''Emma'' here? :'''Phil:''' Stewart sent her down here. :'''Peter:''' ''(looking at Phil's trousers)'' ''Why have you got wet trousers?'' :'''Phil:''' Ollie threw coffee at me. :'''Peter:''' I'm sorry. I seemed to have wandered into some 1970s [[wikipedia:Ray Cooney|Ray Cooney]] farce. Is the vicar about to come around with [[wikipedia:Brian Rix|Brian Rix]] and [[wikipedia:Robin Askwith|Robin Askwith]]? :'''Janice:''' Right, back in. Headphones on ears, arses on chairs. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Meanwhile, Ollie and Emma are arguing in the hallway...and Terri's sitting just inches away from them.)'' :'''Emma:''' Ollie, we just, we don't make any time for each other any more. :'''Ollie:''' We're busy people. We work really, really hard. We work harder than Fat Pat's arteries. Of course we... :'''Terri:''' Did you used to make time for each other? I mean, I think that's the crucial question. :'''Emma:''' Sorry... :'''Ollie:''' Okay, just for a second, Aunt Terri, fuck off! :'''Terri:''' Where am I meant to go? :'''Ollie:''' Pretend you've got to go and have a shit or something. :'''Terri:''' ''(to Emma)'' You're going to be a lot better off without him. :'''Emma:''' What do you mean I'm going to be... :'''Ollie:''' You're not going to be better off... :'''Emma:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Sorry, have you...Do you talk about me at work? :'''Ollie:''' Oh, fuck this! This is like that nightmare I had about being on ''[[wikipedia:Loose Women|Loose Women]].'' :''(After Ollie walks away from the argument, however, he sees Glenn and Phil talking in the corner.)'' :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Phil)'' ...that one at all. I mean, everyone knows that Schumacher is Stig. :'''Phil:''' I think that was just publicity, just to keep it going. :'''Ollie:''' ''(to himself)'' Right. I'll go back to ''Loose Women.'' :'''Phil:''' ''(still talking to Glenn)'' Friend of mine thinks it's actually May, Hammond and Clarkson, purely 'cause Stig is an anagram of "gits." :'''Glenn:''' Oh, right. :''(Ollie is forced to go back to Emma and Terri's corner.)'' :'''Emma:''' I just don't think he should be talking about me at all, let alone things that are totally private. :'''Terri:''' No, I agree, I absolutely – ''(sees that Ollie has returned)'' Then the bank bonuses are very high, aren't they? :'''Ollie:''' I know you've been talking about me, Terri, because I've got this weird [[Derren Brown]] thing going on where I can see and hear things, Terri. :'''Emma:''' So, Ollie, what exactly have you been saying to them in the office about me? :'''Ollie:''' I've been saying, er, you smell of fennel, you're racist – :'''Emma:''' Funny. :'''Ollie:''' – you torture horses, and you're in [[wikipedia:The_Bangles|The Bangles]], that's what I've been saying about you at work. :'''Emma:''' See, I think you've been sexually bragging. :'''Ollie:''' Well, don't flatter yourself. :''(Stewart has finally entered the room.)'' :'''Stewart:''' ''(to Emma)'' Emma, I didn't send you here so you could chat about your sex life. I sent you here to back-block Peter's narrative, hmm? ''(Stewart then points to the Piercings Man)'' And what's happened to Phil? I mean, don't get me wrong, I like him, but I'm not seeing him in man-made fibers. :'''Emma:''' He's just drying his...He's drying his trousers. :''(Stewart's in quiet disbelief...)'' :'''Stewart:''' I don't want to know. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nicola:''' ''(seeing Stewart enter the control room)'' How perfect. Who should walk in... :'''Stewart:''' ''(to Janice)'' I'm Stewart Pearson, yeah? See the fat man that you're berating like he's a piñata? Well, I own him. :'''Richard:''' Peter Mannion, that's a fascinating development – :'''Peter''' ''(seeing Malcolm arrive)'': Oh! And as we speak, who should come rolling along the corridor but Malcolm Tucker, the man who was once referred to as the [[wikipedia:Gorbals|Gorbals]] [[Joseph Goebbels|Goebbels]]... :'''Stewart:''' Oh, don't do a joke. Peter, don't do a... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Richard:''' Peter Mannion, can you explain, please, why your party spin doctor has arrived entirely announced? :'''Peter:''' I would say it was an indication of how seriously our party is taking the allegations that we were... :'''Stewart:''' Don't say it again! :'''Peter:''' ...receiving donations from... :'''Richard:''' From a sweatshop labour company. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Stewart)'' Ooh! Did you prep him with this shit, yeah? :'''Stewart:''' Yeah, yeah, yeah. The last thing I said to him was go in there and bomb. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(chuckling)'' Well, it fucking worked. Usually, he comes across like, you know, just another third-rate Donald Sinden. But tonight, he's like a ventriloquist's dummy that's fucking falling to bits. :'''Stewart:''' Yeah, it's really nice to see you without those veins in your temples throbbing. :'''Malcolm:''' 'Cause you have really got your work cut out with him, haven't you? Look at the hair. You've got to do something. He's like fucking Swiss Toni. :'''Stewart:''' Yeah. Well, this is radio, Malcolm, but it's great to be getting this straight from you. Thanks. :'''Janice:''' Look, do you guys have to make so much noise? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Janice)'' I don't know if they told you this on your training day, love, but this is fucking soundproofed, that, they can't hear you. I mean, we're like Ted Moult to them. :'''Janice:''' Look, can you please get out? :'''Malcolm:''' No. Actually, we -- we are entitled to be in here. That lot, they should all be in here. All the political advisors should be in here. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm brings EVERYBODY into the Control Room!)'' :'''Malcolm:''' I just want to add to the party atmosphere. I'm perfectly entitled to this. :''(While Malcolm is doing this, Stewart is reading a text message off of Janice's computer screen)'' :'''Stewart:''' Gather round, everybody. There is a text here from Tim in Ruislip. This is what Tim's text says: "Nicola is a hypocrite. JFU also donate to the government. In fact, they donate twice as much as they do to the opposition." :'''Richard:''' ''(in the studio)'' Can I just say to the listeners at home, I have no idea what's going on now. We're in a studio, there's another room next door... :'''Malcolm:''' ''(pushing everybody out)'' We have to get out, right? Okay. Let's get, you know... :'''Stewart:''' What do you reckon, Malcolm? It seems like a big issue to me. :'''Malcolm:''' It's not. We're going to move on to piercings. :'''Stewart:''' ''(to Janice)'' Janice, I'm sure in the interest of balance, you'll want to... :'''Janice:''' Right, can you shut up, right? Malcolm's right, I decide what is news. :'''Malcolm:''' Absolutely. :'''Janice:''' And this is fucking news! :'''Malcolm:''' Bullshit! Right. See this here? ''(Malcolm goes to the "Shut Down" button.)'' You do it and I will press this fucking button. :'''Janice:''' Don't fucking threaten me! :'''Malcolm:''' This switch... :'''Janice:''' Richard, Tim in Ruislip. :'''Malcolm:''' You do that and I will... <hr width="50%"/> :''(Richard reads the text from "Tim in Ruislip," which turns the whole Murray-Mannion debate on its' head.)'' :'''Richard:''' We've just received this text message from Tim in Ruislip... :'''Stewart:''' ''(smiling)'' Ooh. She's actually put it through. :'''Richard:''' And he says, "Nicola is a hypocrite. JFU also donate to the government. In fact, they donate twice as much as they do to the opposition." :''(Malcolm is very upset with Janice for sending Tim's text message through to Richard's computer in the studio.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' That's your fucking career over, right, OK, you're fucking dead. And those three little words, 'Tim in [[wikipedia:Ruislip|Ruislip]]', are the fucking nails in your coffin, dear. ''(imitates hammering)'' Tim. In. Ruislip. Tim in fucking Ruislip. And as for Tim in fucking – :'''Janice:''' Yeah, okay, can you stop ''fucking saying that, please?'' :'''Malcolm:''' – FUCKING, fucking Ruislip, he's fucking dead as well! That fucking texting coward. Give me his number. What's his fucking number? Give me the fucking number of Tim in Ruislip. :'''Janice:''' ''(to her assistant)'' Erase it. Take it off the screen now. :'''Malcolm:''' If you don't give me his fucking number, do you know what I'm gonna have to do? I'm gonna have to fucking go to fucking Ruislip, and fucking snap the thumb and forefinger off of every single person I see, who I think resembles the kind of wanker that would be walking around in this day and fucking age with a name like fucking Tim! How do you think that sounds, huh? :'''Stewart:''' Quite, quite mad. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(whispering to Stewart)'' You and I have to have a word. :'''Stewart:''' ''(to Janice and her assistant)'' I think he wants me to step outside.<hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm is bossing everybody around, acting like he's the President of the BBC.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to the "Piercings Man")'' Right. You're on, mate. Come on. Get in there now. I want you in there rattling your fucking jewelry and talking about your fucking Prince Albert. Come on. :'''Stewart:''' ''(to Piercings Man)'' He doesn't actually work here. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to everybody else)'' Vamoose, you lot! Fucking vamoose! ''(to Piercings Man)'' Come on, Johnny fucking Depp. Get in here. :'''Piercings Man:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Get off! :'''Malcolm:''' I'll fucking shove a fucking magnet down your throat and watch your fucking face implode! Get in there! :''(The Piercings Man comes into the studio)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Here he is. Piercings. In you go. Sit down there, son, no problem, go ahead. :'''Richard:''' Now, I assume you're here for the piercings debate... <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm Tucker vs. Stewart Pearson: The Spin Doctor Showdown!)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Here's the fucking thing. Nobody talks about fucking dodgy donors, okay? Because it makes everybody look bad. :'''Stewart:''' Okay, I'll go with a different angle, then. How do you think it would land with your female voters if they were to find out that Tom Rudd forced his secretary into having an abortion? :'''Malcolm:''' That was her own personal choice, and by the way, it wasn't his. ''(whispers)'' Over here. :''(Malcolm and Stewart walk away from the studio)'' :'''Stewart:''' Wow! So him paying for a private clinic, then, was just because he's such a nice man? :'''Malcolm:''' He IS a nice man. What about your nice man at Central Planning, eh? The one who got a bit carried away and fucking slapped his kids about a little bit too much? Fucking broke the skin! But he wasn't such a nice man, was he? But I suppose that's just part of your "common sense checklist," yeah. All they need is a good slap and do please remember to leave your fucking rings on! :'''Stewart:''' You go check your facts, Malcolm. That was a domestic accident and nothing more. :'''Malcolm:''' Domestic accident, yeah, 'cause he's got fucking hands the size of fucking doors! :'''Stewart:''' Oh, you want to talk about hardmen, Malcolm, yeah? Now I know you've got to be hard to be a chief whip, but really, coke dealing at university? :'''Malcolm:''' Oh! Please, please! :'''Stewart:''' Hey, am I right in thinking he's now godfather to one of the PM's kids, yeah? :'''Malcolm:''' Listen, you know what I have got at the back of my fucking filing cabinet? I've got a fucking photograph that I've been waiting for a fucking ''rainy day'' to show everyone, which is a photograph of ''your'' fucking [[wikipedia:Shadow_Chancellor_of_the_Exchequer|Shadow Chancellor]], at one of his fucking parties, dressed up in fucking bra, suspenders, and fucking ''blackface!'' What's his defence gonna be, hey, when I email that to the fucking Sun? "Oh, well I am just de Shadow Chancellor"? :'''Stewart:''' Malcolm, he won't have a defense, because you haven't got that picture... :'''Malcolm:''' I have! :'''Stewart:''' Because that didn't happen! However, I do have a statement from a rent boy... :'''Malcolm:''' Oh, that's very useful for you. You can claim that against your expenses, can't you? :'''Stewart:''' Oh, yeah, funny, very funny. :'''Malcolm:''' And you'll get that for free. Is that one of the perks of your fucking job? :'''Stewart:''' No, listen. His statement says...he will swear that one of your prominent back-bench MPs paid him to sit on his chest! :'''Malcolm:''' DON'T! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm and Stewart actually reach a compromise.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Right, look, this is out of order, okay? :'''Stewart:''' Here's the deal. We both, both make statements saying that our guys in there, they were not in possession of all the facts. Hmm? But we're looking into it. :'''Malcolm:''' You'd do that? Hang your own guy out to fucking dry? :'''Stewart:''' What? Peter Mannion, MP? Yeah! Old guard? We're not sending him to DoSac to fatten him up. We're putting him out to pasture, Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' We should just go home. :'''Stewart:''' We can do that. We can just seal this in. Contain the toxicity. Chernobyl FM. :'''Malcolm:''' I mean, you carry on like this and I might not find you utterly fucking contemptible. :'''Stewart:''' That's an incentive. I'll get my bag. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm listens to the radio as he leaves in Nicola's car.)'' :'''Richard:''' Andrew in Suffolk writes, 'The body is a temple. Temples aren't made of metal. Case closed.' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola's driver)'' You couldn't turn that to [[wikipedia:Magic_(Radio)|Magic FM]], could you mate? Otherwise I'm gonna have to tear my eyelids off and scrunch them up into fucking earplugs. <hr width="50%"/> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Phil:''' You just start off about how great the City used to be, then how it's not so great now, and then end with a joke. It's the classic shit sandwich, you know: bread, shit, bread! :'''Peter:''' Phil, if anyone bites into a shit sandwich, they don't say, 'Mmm, bread!', they say, 'Oh fuck, I've got a mouthful of shit! ''(Janice the producer shoves him into the studio)'' You mental bastard! Why have you filled my sandwich with shi–' == Series 3, Episode 6 == :''(This is the opening scene of this episode.)'' :'''Glenn:''' Morning, Ollie. How's your head? Like a bat shat in it at all? :'''Ollie:''' No, I am, if anything, Glenn, I am hung-''under.'' First DoSAC party under the new regime, you lasted 'til, I'd say, seven? :'''Glenn:''' Yeah, well, I do have a life, Ollie. :'''Ollie:''' Yes, but only in the way that, you know, jellyfish or athlete's foot have a life. What was it last night, then? Candlelit annivorcery dinner for one? :''(Terri enters the scene carrying a large plant.)'' :'''Terri:''' Morning. :'''Ollie:''' Hello. (Ollie's curious...) Terri, what actually are you up to? Are you still drunk? :'''Terri:''' No, I had to get in early anyway, because this BBC man's coming. :''(Ollie notices that Terri's wearing trainers!) :'''Ollie:''' Are you wearing trainers? You ''ARE'' wearing trainers! :'''Terri:''' Yes. :'''Glenn:''' Yes. :'''Ollie:''' ''(laughing)'' If Signal toothpaste made trainers, that's what they'd look like. :'''Terri:''' Well, I don't see there's any... :'''Ollie:''' ''(pointing at Terri's trainers)'' This color for healthy breath... :''(Nicola enters the scene, and she's...a little hungover.)'' :'''Nicola:''' Morning, morning. :'''Terri:''' Do please let me... :''(Terri helps Nicola by taking her suitcase.)'' :'''Nicola:''' Thank you very much. :'''Terri:''' Would you like me to take your coffee? :'''Nicola:''' Oh, no. I'm clinging on to that for dear life, I tell you. :'''Terri:''' Well, it will dehydrate you. :'''Nicola:''' Good-o. :'''Ollie:''' Mojito Murray, they now call her. You know, they had to install speed bumps at the bar. She's like Gazza at Euro '96. :''(Ollie mimics somebody getting drunk.)'' :'''Nicola:''' I really love the division of labour in this place. I like the way the women do the heavy lifting and the men do the heavy sarcasm. <hr width="50%"/> :''(While Nicola is conducting an interview with a BBC reporter regarding Nicola's launch of her Fourth Sector Initiative, Glenn and Ollie are discussing the Prime Minister's world tour.)'' :'''Ollie:''' So why is the PM doing this world tour thing? What's the point of that? I mean, he's not easy on the world stage, is he? He walks like his dick's made of glass, you know? Is it a Malc plan? :'''Glenn:''' Could be? Or, you know, Steve Fleming's back, it could be him. :'''Ollie:''' Well, if he's back, it really is the end, isn't it? What are you gonna do when the shit goes down, then? :'''Glenn:''' Oh, plenty of options, Ollie. :'''Ollie:''' You could be a Beefeater. Do you want to be a Beefeater? :'''Glenn:''' Don't you worry about me, Ollie. I've got contacts. :'''Ollie:''' What do you mean, "Don't worry about me"? Are you big in Japan or something? :''(Glenn gives Ollie a wide, sly smile.)'' :'''Ollie:''' What? What's that smile for? Do you need winding? :''(And then, Glenn shares a BIG surprise with Ollie.)'' :'''Glenn:''' I'm going to stand in the election. :'''Ollie:''' (surprised indeed) Are you...Are you serious? :'''Glenn:''' I should hear later today whether or not I've got enough support for the Ilford East long list. :'''Ollie:''' Fucking hell. You on a massive poster. What's your slogan going to be? "He's old and sullen, vote for Cullen." How about that? :'''Glenn:''' Actually...I'm pretty excited about this. :'''Ollie:''' Sort of hard to take on board. It's like being told your dad's gay or something. (Glenn laughs while Ollie continues) I am strangely really proud of you. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Nicola's interview didn't go as well as she wanted it to, and now...Ollie's got some more bad news for her.)'' :'''Ollie:''' Right, so Ben Swain, the man you love to hate and love to sack, actually, is on his way up. :'''Nicola:''' Oh great, I'm flypaper for dickheads today. Right, I'm gonna get out of this funeral suit and chisel off the first three inches of makeup. ''(leaves)'' :'''Glenn:''' ''(seeing Ben arrive)'' Ah, the prodigal Swain returns. :'''Ollie:''' [[wikipedia:Ben_10|Ben 10]], [[wikipedia:Menstrual_cycle|Benstrual cycle]], [[wikipedia:Born_on_the_Fourth_of_July|Ben on the Fourth of July]]! :'''Ben:''' [[wikipedia:Polly_Put_the_Kettle_On|Ollie Put the Kettle On]], [[wikipedia:On_the_Good_Ship_Lollipop|On the Good Ship Ollie-pop]], [[wikipedia:Auld_Lang_Syne|Oll-d Lang Syne]]. :'''Ollie:''' How are things going at the Department of [[wikipedia:Tony_Blair#Leader_of_the_Opposition|Education Education Education]]? :'''Ben:''' They're going up the fuck-pump, Ollie, mainly because you are the Robin Hood of politics. :'''Ollie:''' Well, Robin Hood was a hero. :'''Ben:''' No, he was not a hero, he was a terrorist. You're just stealing from the Education Department and pumping it out as a DoSAC idea. This Back On Track Policy that you launched at your little chimps' tea party last night? Well, that sounds very similar -- ''Very, very sim'' -- Almost identical in fact -- to my Unify Policy that I ''was'' working on here until I was booted out by Knicker-Face. Right, where is Jenni Murray? :'''Ollie:''' No. Well, she's -- I really wouldn't go in... :''(Ben barges in on Nicola in her office -- while she's changing her clothes!)'' :'''Nicola:''' OH! :'''Ben:''' JESUS! :'''Ollie:''' Yes. She's just been doing an interview there, Ben. :'''Ben:''' What? An interview for what? [[wikipedia:FHM|FHM]]? What's she done to her face? She looks like a pissed Aunt Sally. :''(Nicola comes out of her office, and Ben tries to apologize for his rudeness.)'' :'''Nicola:''' ''(to Ben)'' Yeah, I really... :'''Ben:''' I'm very sorry again... :'''Nicola:''' Let's not talk about it ever again. :'''Ben:''' I will forget... :'''Nicola:''' Right. What do you want? :'''Ben:''' ...everything I've seen. Now, Back On Track, it is exactly the same as my Unify Initiative. I know you don't like me, you made that as clear as fish piss by kicking me out of here 10 nanoseconds after you arrived. :''(Ollie's cell phone has started ringing.)'' :'''Ollie:''' Malcolm's calling. I thought he was supposed to be sluicing sand out of Tom's thong in Ibiza or wherever they've got to. :'''Nicola:''' He is, he's away. He's in Spain. Just ignore, ignore Malcolm. :'''Ollie:''' Ignore Malcolm? :'''Nicola:''' Yeah, what can he do? :''(Malcolm is entering the scene on his cell phone. As he enters, he's leaving an odd message on Ollie's cell phone.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Ollie, mate. Ollie, you're not answering your phone and I'm getting really, really worried that you hurt yourself. I just keep getting these terrible images flashing in my head, you know. Of you being stabbed repeatedly in the face. Or of you in a coma on a life-support machine, dreaming about being a gay policeman in the 1970s. :''(But then, Malcolm looks up to see Ollie. Alive and well.)'' :'''Ollie:''' Malcolm, I can explain. :'''Malcolm:''' Ollie. Thank God that you're safe. :''(But just as it looks like Malcolm's getting ready to hug Ollie, Malcolm rudely holds up a mock "Peace" sign and points to Ollie's phone.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' That's from me, [[wikipedia:Zac Efron|Cack Efron]]. ''(Malcolm then notices Ben)'' What's Giant Gaystacks doing here? :'''Ben:''' Um, I'm here, Malcolm, because Nicola has been nicking my policies through Ollie. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Is this true, the Little Man in the Red and Yellow Car? :'''Ollie:''' No. :'''Nicola:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' I've been told by Steve Fleming to think the unthinkable. :'''Malcolm:''' Well, listen, ''I'' am telling you to ''un''-think the unthinkable – Shit, you can't even cope with thinking the thinkable. :'''Nicola:''' Why are you even here? :'''Terri:''' (jogging her way towards Malcolm) Hello, Malcolm. Oh, you look a bit tired. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Terri)'' Yeah. You look incompetent. :'''Terri:''' Yeah, tired and a wee bit grumpy. :'''Malcolm:''' Well, actually, [[wikipedia:Lucille Ball|Lucille Ballbag]], I am here to prep Nicola here for her BBC interview. :'''Nicola:''' A bit late for that. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm has to restart the conversation with Nicola and Terri in Nicola's office.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Terri)'' Terri, I fucking e-mailed you and I told you to move it to later, because I wanted to administer a preparatory fucking verbal cosh. Right? :'''Terri:''' Well... :'''Malcolm:''' And there it is. (Malcolm is looking at the e-mail on his cell phone.) It didn't fuck -- It didn't fucking send! :'''Terri:''' Ah! :'''Malcolm:''' It didn't send, right? :'''Terri:''' There you go. You just owe me an apology, that's all. :'''Malcolm:''' (insulted) I'm sorry? :'''Nicola:''' That's the one. :'''Malcolm:''' That wasn't an apology. That was a "pardon?" I'm sorry. :'''Nicola:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Why aren't you on the Tom tour, by the way? :'''Terri:''' Yeah, I heard Steve Fleming was on the tour. Hmm. Big beast. :'''Malcolm:''' Tiny fucking rodent, more like. He's part of the larger problem. :'''Nicola:''' Which is? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Have you been at Number 10 lately? Jesus, it's like the break-up of the Beatles, right? During the fall of the Roman Empire, while fucking [[wikipedia:Katie_Price|Jordan]]'s getting divorced from [[wikipedia:Peter_Andre|that bloke]]. All happening at the same time in a tiny fucking terraced house, yeah? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' Right, people, listen up! It's a fucking lockdown, right now! :'''Nicola:''' Oh, come off it! We're not in a prison drama, are we? :'''Malcolm:''' We are in a prison drama and this is the fucking [[The Shawshank Redemption|''Shawshank Redemption'']], right? But with more tunnelling through shit and no fucking redemption.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Malcolm:''' Is that trainers that she's wearing? ''(to Terri)'' Are you wearing fucking train– You're supposed to be a civil servant, not a fucking playgroup assistant. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ben:''' It's like wet play, isn't it? :'''Ollie:''' Hah! :'''Glenn''' ''(playing chess over the phone, with a miniature chessboard)'': Queen to knight 4. :'''Ben:''' I never had you down as a chess man, Glenn, I thought you might be more the kind to play Ludo or something. :'''Glenn:''' Do you mind? :'''Ben:''' Oh what, can you not multitask, [[wikipedia:Deep_Blue_(chess_computer)|Deep Beige]]? ''(He and Ollie laugh)'' :'''Glenn:''' What, check? Oh, fuck you! :'''Ben:''' Well, you know, politics is like a game of chess, Glenn, insofar as you're shit at both of them.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Malcolm''' ''(answering his mobile)'': Nicola Murray is not going to make a leadership announcement this evening. Permission to speak frankly and off the record, yeah? She's an idiot. I ''know'' that she's in the Cabinet, but look, that's like being disabled at a football match, yeah? I mean, she's very close to the action, but hardly likely to score a goal. That – No! That – How is that offensive? That is a very fair and accurate portrayal of just how fucking retarded she is.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Nicola:''' Are you emailing? Are you stirring this up? Is that why you came into DoSAC today: did you have a big bucket of shit and a whisk? :'''Ben:''' No. ''(beat)'' Yes, a bit. :'''Nicola:''' What are you saying? :'''Ben:''' Just, you know, 'Joan Rivers wants to be the new Prime Minister. Have a look at this clip of her online, staking her bid.' :'''Nicola:''' You treacherous shit. :'''Ben:''' Come on, it's not my fault you've dressed up like a dead geisha. :'''Nicola:''' Why are you doing this? :'''Ben:''' Because I'm bored, it's funny and – and I hate you. There you are, the holy trinity of why. :'''Nicola:''' Do you know, talking to you is like talking to a fucking whoopee cushion! :'''Terri:''' Right. Bit of good news. :'''Glenn:''' What? :'''Terri:''' ''Two'' bits, actually. Um... :'''Malcolm:''' Enough. Can we all just shut the fuck up, okay? So we can gather our thoughts. So, one at a time. [[wikipedia:Private_Godfrey|Private Godfrey]], get to your station. ''(Glenn runs to his desk)'' I want to hear what the word is on the street. :'''Glenn:''' All right, ''(reporting from his computer)'' 'Ben has been seen coming into DoSAC but not going out. Possibly Ben is her running mate as number two in a leadership bid.' :'''Ben:''' Hah! Right, I don't mind going out there now and telling them all face to face just how much I hate Nicola and how unlikely that is to happen, and get myself a sandwich, I'm fucking starving – :'''Malcolm:''' What did I just fucking say, what did I just fucking say? I said one at a fucking time. Stand up. ''(Ben does not stand)'' I'm telling you to fucking stand up, you sack of fucking cum! Stand the fuck up! ''(Ben stands)'' Fucking move, right. ''(Malcolm grabs a keyboard)'' See that? Fucking play with that, right? Never mind your fucking toys, play with that. ''(Malcolm hands Ben the keyboard and pushes him)'' Go and stand in that fucking corner. ''Stand over there, right? And do not move, or I will perform a fucking living fucking autopsy on you! With a fucking rusty spade, and I'll have your kidneys for fucking CUFFLINKS!''<hr width="50%" /> :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ben)'' See, you? Get me a fucking [[wikipedia:Curly_Wurly|Curly Wurly]], right? :''(Shortly afterwards, Ben gives Malcolm a Curly Wurly.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' It's a classic Curly Wurly I wanted. A Curly Wurly should be the size of a small ladder. :'''Ben:''' Your hands have got bigger. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nicola:''' That was utterly humiliating. For fuck's sake, Malcolm! :'''Malcolm:''' Shouldn't that be 'of fuck's sake'? :'''Nicola:''' I don't know what you're talking about. :'''Malcolm:''' May I just quote it to you? 'The Prime Minister is the right man ''for'' the moment.' :'''Nicola:''' Yeah. That's what you told me to say. :'''Malcolm''': ''Of'' the moment, ''of'' the moment, I told you to say '<nowiki/>'''''<nowiki/>'''of'' the fucking moment': there's a huge difference between me saying to you, 'Nicola, I would like to go'' for'' a lovely walk with you', and 'Nicola, I would like to make a hat out'' of'' your fucking entrails!' ''(And then, Malcolm's cell phone rings. Again.)'' Excuse me. :''(Who's on Malcolm's cell phone NOW?)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Steven. ''(beat)'' Yes, well you can tell Tom right now that I'm fucking sweating embryos for him, okay? <hr width="50%" /> :'''Ben:''' Look at this! Takeaway and a fight. All I need now is a handjob in a bus shelter, I've had the great British night out. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nicola:''' Jesus, you're about as on the ball today as a dead seal! :'''Malcolm:''' Hey, that's one of my fucking lines! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' Terri, I thought we had a deal, right? When I need your advice I'll give you the special signal, which is me [[wikipedia:Involuntary_commitment_internationally#United_Kingdom|being sectioned under the fucking Mental Health Act]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' How fucking dare you. Have you any idea of the amount of pressure that has been exerted on my skull, huh? It feels like my brain has been fucking emptied into little packets, into fucking crisp packets. Cheese and onion fucking crisp packets, that contain my living, breathing, fucking brain! :'''Terri:''' Malcolm, I'm really sorry, I – :'''Malcolm:''' ''And these crisp packets'' – cheese and onion, smoky bacon – they've been stomped on. They've been fucking stomped on! By Ben, fucking Nicola – :'''Terri:''' I didn't mean to be horrid – :'''Malcolm:''' AND FUCKING YOU! :''(long silence)'' :'''Malcolm:''' I'm sorry. :'''Terri:''' ''I'm'' sorry. :'''Malcolm:''' ''I'm'' sorry. :'''Terri:''' I'm sorry. :'''Malcolm:''' No, I'm over it, okay? Don't you apologise, don't you fucking apologise, you don't need to apologise. I love this place. I do! I mean, fucking compared to Number 10, this place, this place is fucking tranquil, yeah? Over there, 300 yards down the road, I mean it's like a fucking cancer ward: I mean, there are people in there, they're fucking screaming at each other. They're screaming, 'You gave me this fucking disease. You gave me this fucking disease!' And every corner that I turn, there's another threat, Terri: hacks! Hacks, fucking vampire hacks! And they're slaughtering us, Terri, THEY ARE FUCKING SLAUGHTERING US, AND THEY WANT MY FACE FOR A FLANNEL! :'''Terri:''' Yeah. :'''Malcolm:''' And you know what? I used to be the fucking pharaoh, Terri, I used to be the fucking pharaoh! Now I'm fucking floundering in a fucking Nile of shit! But I am gonna fashion a paddle out of that shit. Yeah? :'''Terri:''' Mmm. Good idea. :'''Malcolm:''' I'm not going down. I am not going down. Yeah? :'''Terri:''' ''(whispers)'' Yeah. :'''Malcolm:''' How are you feeling about things? :'''Terri:''' Well, you know, I'm just trying to do my best and, you know, make sure I can still get home by six o'clock. Do you want a huggle? :'''Malcolm:''' No, I think – That's nice of you, I really appreciate it. Terri, it's been nice to have a chat, but I've gotta get on. :'''Terri:''' Okay. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. Let's get back on track. :'''Terri:''' Get back on track. :''(both leave the room)'' :'''Malcolm:''' As they say, right? :'''Terri:''' Funny to use that phrase. :'''Malcolm:''' All righty-o, okay, Nicola, let's see you in your office, please. :'''Ollie:''' What did he say? :'''Terri:''' Dunno, it was all about ancient Egypt. :'''Ollie:''' Ancient Egypt? :'''Terri:''' Yeah. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Nicola's Fourth Sector Initiative launch speech has bombed...and that's not the only thing that's bombed)'' :'''Glenn:''' Uh, sorry I missed it. Did it go well? :'''Nicola:''' Nope. :'''Glenn:''' Well, uh, more good news. Um...I'm afraid my chances of becoming an MP have been torpedoed...by the U-boat that was you. The selection committee decided that my association with you was too divisive. :'''Ollie:''' The dream is over, eh? :'''Malcolm:''' I'm devastated. I had 500 quid on you being the new Foreign Secretary. :'''Ollie:''' Uh, it's a great loss to regional politics, for sure. :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Nicola)'' By flying so close to your bright Sun like Icarus, I have crashed to the Earth and died. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' Ladies and Gentlemen, the dirty protest is now over; please mop up your shit and fuck off home. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' Make sure fucking Nicola doesn't top herself, eh? :'''Terri:''' Yeah, sure. :'''Malcolm:''' Make sure that Ben does.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Ollie:''' What are you gonna do when the shit goes down, then? :'''Glenn:''' Oh, plenty of options, Ollie. :'''Ollie:''' Really, have you really, you've got plenty of options, have you? ''(Glenn nods.)'' What are those options, let's see, you can't – you can't hold a golf sale sign because of your back, you can't be a prostitute 'cause your waterworks aren't up to it, you can't be a drugs mule, 'cause of your arse, that's too slack, isn't it, so what does that leave you with, you could be – Local weatherman would be perfect; or, er, you could run a whelk stall, how about that? You could be a dinner lady or a [[wikipedia:Speed_bump#Speed_bumps|sleeping policeman]], actually on the road: just lie down, let the cars – You could become one of those people who manipulates their cock and balls into funny shapes for the paying public, it would be nice for them to have a little run out. Or, you could just basically walk into a hospice, and wait to kark it.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Malcolm:''' That's from me, Cack Efron. It's a coded message basically telling you that, if you ignore me or my fucking calls again, I'll fucking rip your head off, right? I'll fucking plant a palm tree in your neck, and I'll fuck you fucking tenderly in its shade! :'''Ollie:''' I can tell you've been away, your threats are including palm trees now.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Jesus Christ, [[Crosby, Stills & Nash|Crosby, Still, Nash and fucking Young]] – Look at the lot of you, it's like walking into an installation at the [[wikipedia:Tate_Britain|Tate Gallery]] that everybody's forgotten about. ==Series 3, Episode 7== :''(At the start of this episode, Nicola and her team are getting ready to launch DoSAC's Healthy Choices Campaign. The scene starts with a delivery man delivering big bottles of water.)'' :'''Glenn:''' ''(to the delivery man, chuckling)'' Oh, that's great. Don't know why we've ordered so much water. We've all got rabies. :'''Nicola:''' ''(on her cell phone)'' So, basically, just get crisps shaped like rockets, rainbow-colored ice cream, you know the stuff that all the other kids have at their parties. :''(MORE big bottles of water!)'' :'''Glenn:''' (surprised) Blimey! More? What are we doing? Opening a dolphinarium? :'''Nicola:''' (off her phone) Good. Sorted. So...Sorry about that. Where were we? :'''Glenn:''' Uh, healthy eating. :'''Terri:''' Beneficial Lifestyle Choices. :'''Ollie:''' Get in! :'''Glenn:''' What? :'''Ollie:''' (happily) I've just landed Andy Murray. :'''Nicola:''' YAY! That's brilliant! Andy Murray? :'''Ollie:''' I've definitely got Andy Murray! :'''Nicola:''' Andy Murray, the face of Healthy Choices. :'''Glenn:''' Oh, all right. :'''Terri:''' The tennis player? :'''Ollie:''' (sarcastically) No, the fucking pianist. :'''Nicola:''' Nicola Murray ''NETS'' Andy Murray! :'''Ollie:''' Well, we both netted him together. :'''Terri:''' Are you sure you want him? :'''Nicola:''' Uh, yeah! :'''Terri:''' Murray? ''(beat)'' Doesn't it sound like nepotism? :'''Nicola:''' (Not appreciating Terri's criticism) Like, in the way people think Russ and Diane Abbott are related? :'''Ollie:''' Yeah. :'''Terri:''' Possibly. :'''Glenn:''' And Bill Murray's her father? :'''Terri:''' Okay, I'll level with you. I don't like him. :'''Nicola:''' (annoyed) Who would you suggest then, Terri? :'''Terri:''' Paula Radcliffe. :'''Ollie:''' ''Pooey Paula?'' That's not healthy. Shitting in your own pants, that's definitely not a healthy image. :'''Glenn:''' She could demonstrate how to do the Hop, Shit and Jump. :'''Terri:''' That is very unfair. It only happened once. :'''Ollie:''' Once is all you need! Imagine if Bruce Forsyth, beginning of ''Strictly Come Dancing...'' (Ollie pretends to poop) "There we go!" You'd never hear the end of that. And quite rightly! :'''Nicola:''' Terri, can we move on from your hatred of Andy Murray, and can we start trailing a major DoSAC initiative? Now, don't give any details at this stage. Just say it's major TBA. :'''Terri:''' TBA? :'''Nicola:''' To be announced. :'''Terri:''' Oh, just... :'''Nicola:''' It's really self-defeating if I have to explain abbreviations to you. :'''Terri:''' Sure, sure... :'''Nicola:''' FFS. :'''Terri:''' ''(to Glenn and Ollie)'' What's FFS? :'''Glenn:''' Oh, for fuck... :'''Nicola:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Oh, we're gonna need Malcolm clearance, Ollie. Okay? ''(to Glenn)'' Glenn, can you get rid of all this water as well? It looks like something out of fucking [[wikipedia:Doctor Who|Doctor Who]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Meanwhile, Malcolm is at home serving Indian food to some journalists.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Here they come, it's the [[wikipedia:Flying_Scotsman|Flying Scots-curry-man]]. ''(sings)'' 'Where's your pappadam?' You have got to try this aubergine, it's cooked in [[wikipedia:Ghee|ghee]], right? I fucking love ghee, it's like fucking [[wikipedia:Free_base|freebasing]] butter. Have some more wine, come on, get quaffing. ''(mobile rings)'' Christ, here we go. ''(answers)'' No, we don't do takeaway, right? ''(all laugh, as Malcolm walks away)'' Listen, see, if this is recorded spam, I'm gonna hunt you down and burst your fucking lungs. :'''Ollie''' ''(at his desk)'': Where actually are you, Malcolm? :'''Malcolm:''' I'm on holidays! :'''Ollie:''' ''Where'' are you on holiday, where? :'''Malcolm:''' Right, OK, I'm in Thailand, in a sex spa. About to get a fucking facial. :'''Ollie:''' Right, quick summary: [[Andy Murray]], famous tennis player, also lovely Scotch person, face of Healthy Lifestyle Choices. Nicola Murray, slightly panicky, er, minister-lady: wonder if that's OK with you? :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah yeah yeah, Andy Murray, yeah, Andy Pandy, fucking Gandhi having a hand-shandy, whatever, just, you know, fuck off out of my life, OK? :'''Ollie:''' Okey dokey! ''(hangs up. To Nicola and Glenn)'' [[wikipedia:Del_Monte_Foods#Pop_culture_references|The man from Hell Monte, he say 'Fucking aye'!]]<hr width="50%" /> :'''Malcolm:''' (apologizing to his guests) Sorry about that. Everybody's heard about the cooking, so it's... :'''Geoffrey:''' So, Malcolm, what's all this about? :'''Malcolm:''' Well, I know that these are hard times for print journalists, yeah? I mean, I read that on the internet. I mean, one day you're writing for the papers and the next you're sleeping under them. :'''Marianne:''' What, so this is like Malcolm Tucker's Soup Kitchen? :'''Malcolm:''' Well, it is, kind of, in a way. I just think that you should have one big square meal before you end up fucking living off white lightning in your own feces. Come on, get stuck in. I'll dish it up for you. :'''Marianne:''' What about Tom bringing back Steve Fleming? Kind of makes you old news, doesn't it? :'''Geoffrey:''' You repositioning yourself, Malcolm? :'''Malcolm:''' This is about a guy sharing his ghee. That's it. Okay? :'''Geoffrey:''' So you're not currying favor, then? :''(Marianna starts laughing at Geoffrey's joke.)'' :'''Marianne:''' (laughing) Sorry... :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Geoffrey, jokingly)'' Fuck you. Get out of my house. Get out of my fucking house. That's it. I know...I mean, no wonder nobody's fucking buying your paper. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Meanwhile, Nicola, Glenn, Terri and Ollie are still getting over Malcolm being on holiday.)'' :'''Nicola:''' He's really on holiday? :'''Terri:''' Malcolm hasn't been on holiday for 10 years. :'''Glenn:''' Malcolm's got to keep moving or he's dead. He's like a shark of [[wikipedia:Bob Dylan|Bob Dylan]]. :'''Terri:''' Well, who's driving the bus? :''(Steve Fleming enters the office and starts greeting the staff.)'' :'''Steve Fleming:''' Morning! Morning, DoSAC. :'''Glenn:''' Oh. :'''Nicola:''' Bollocky bollocks. It's the [[A Christmas Carol|Ghost of Christmas Shit]]. :'''Glenn:''' There's your answer, Terri: that's the man driving the bus, that's [[wikipedia:Reg_Varney|Reg bloody Varney]]. All stops to electoral oblivion, ding ding. :'''Nicola:''' Get in my office, come on. It'll buy us a bit of time. :''(They all do so, as Steve continues to move towards them.)'' :'''Glenn:''' Come on, have a look. :'''Ollie:''' I've never seen Steve Fleming in the flesh. :'''Nicola:''' You're lucky. :'''Ollie:''' For a man who brought us back into power, he's not very imposing, is he? He's like a Lego policeman. :'''Nicola:''' Look at him. Super Mario. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Steve joyfully enters Nicola's office with cups of coffee for her and her team.)'' :'''Steve:''' Morning, campers! :'''Nicola:''' Steve Fleming! :''(Nicola and Steve shake hands, BUT...)'' :'''Steve:''' Oh, no. :'''Nicola:''' Hello. Oh! Okay... :''(At Steve's insistence, he gives Nicola a HUG! Fun for Steve...but not so much for Nicola.)'' :'''Steve:''' (happily) Hello, Nicola. :'''Nicola:''' Hi. :'''Steve:''' You look like you've lost some weight. :'''Nicola:''' (surprised) Do I? :'''Steve:''' Yeah! :'''Nicola:''' I don't think so, but... :'''Steve:''' (very pleased) Oh, I think so, yes. No, your face looks quite gaunt. Muscly. :'''Nicola:''' Does it now? :'''Steve:''' Anyway, I come bearing caffeinated gifts. :''(Steve presents the cups of coffee, and the team is appreciative of his gesture. Then, Steve gets down to business.)'' :'''Steve:''' I'm gonna cut to the chase. I need you to publish...all the crime stats since 2004 as an accompaniment to our Transparent Government launch. From 2004 up to the last quarter. :'''Nicola:''' Okay, we are just about to launch, um, Healthy Choices. ''With'' Andy Murray. :'''Steve:''' Andy Murray! Whoa! (Steve mimes a tennis volley.) Ace! :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Steve)'' Good joke. :'''Steve:''' ''(to Nicola)'' We'll make a Minister of you yet. :'''Nicola:''' I mean, after that, we can try and get you something for, say, end of the week? :'''Steve:''' After? Why after? Why not right alongside? Or, here's a thought...Before. :'''Nicola:''' Because we're under-resourced and it's not a priority. :'''Steve:''' The PM thinks it is a priority. It can be done. ''(beat)'' Oh, I seem to have reached the end of my argument. :'''Nicola:''' Okay. Well, look, um, why don't we say Thursday lunchtime. Okay? :'''Glenn:''' Well, you've got Fran's leaving lunch on Thursday. :'''Nicola:''' I have got a lunch. Thursday afternoon. :'''Steve:''' (still smiling) Yes, I don't give a fuck about Fran's leaving lunch. I'm saying ''Now now now now now now now now. Now!'' :'''Nicola:''' Okay. Chillax. We're on the case, Steve. :'''Steve:''' Lovely. Thank you very much. :'''Nicola:''' Good. Okay. Well, it's a delight to see you again. :'''Steve:''' Oh! :'''Nicola:''' Oh, I get another one. :''(Another awkward hug between Steve and Nicola.)'' :'''Nicola:''' (jokingly) Mind my gaunt face. :'''Steve:''' ''(to the whole team)'' Bye-bye. :'''Nicola's team:''' Bye. <hr width="50%"/> :''(After their first meeting with Steve Fleming...)'' :'''Ollie:''' What do you call that? Obsessive Repulsive Disorder, I would say. :'''Nicola:''' I'm gonna ring Malcolm. Holiday or no holiday, I'm gonna ring Malcolm about this. :'''Ollie:''' ''(impersonating Steve)'' 'Caffeinated gifts!' :'''Terri:''' Malcolm never brought us coffee. I like him. :'''Ollie:''' Yes, well you like bath salts, you're basically an idiot. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Meanwhile, at Malcolm's house with the journalists...)'' :'''Malcolm:''' So everybody's for coffee, yeah? :'''Geoffrey:''' Mmm-hmm. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, I'm sorry I can't do espressos. But I've made this so thick and black, it'll be like fucking drinking plimsolls. :'''Marianne:''' This Steve Fleming thing is gonna end in tears, isn't it? I mean, you sacked him last time. :'''Malcolm:''' All right. Right. Okay. Off the record. Right? Okay? While Steven is a useful tool, and I do emphasize the word "useful" here, I'm still running the show. Right? :'''Geoffrey:''' If you're still running the show, why do you need to tell us? :''(Malcolm calmly -- but still menacingly -- walks up to Geoffrey, with the pot of coffee still in his hand.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' (calmly) Geoffrey, all I'm saying is this: It would be very much fucking appreciated if you could emphasize the fact that I'm at the heart of the government. Because it's fucking true. I am the heart. I am the ventricles. And the fucking aorta. :'''Marianne:''' (chuckling) Malcolm, we get it. You're still the star of the show. :'''Malcolm:''' It's not for me to say, darling. :'''Geoffrey:''' No, you're still the star of the show. Yeah, until they start wheeling out the celebrities. What's next, Malcolm? Ant and Dec as the new fucking litter tsars? That's when you know you're 20 points behind in the polls. :'''Malcolm:''' Oh, well, thank you very much, Mr. Fucking Prick Robinson. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Nicola's getting a phone call from a certain someone...)'' :'''Terri:''' Nicola, it's your nephew on the phone. :'''Nicola:''' What? :'''Terri:''' Your nephew. Andy Murray. :'''Nicola:''' (Very excited) Fuck! On the line, now? ''OH, MY GOD! It's Andy Murray on the line!'' What line? :'''Terri:''' Press two. :'''Nicola:''' He's not there, Terri! Fuck's sake! :'''Terri:''' Maybe it was three. :'''Nicola:''' God, it drives me insane! Is he there now? :'''Terri:''' Yeah, yeah. Hang on, let me just get him off hold. :'''Nicola:''' It really pisses me off! The fucking phones in this whole -- Andy! Hello! It's Nicola Murray, yes! What a delight to talk to you! :''(While NICOLA Murray's chatting on the phone with ANDY Murray, Ollie gets a call on his cell phone from Malcolm.)'' :'''Ollie:''' Hi, Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' Ollie. Andy Murray. :'''Ollie:''' Oh, good. We are literally confirming him as we speak. :'''Malcolm:''' Ditch him. We can't go with celebrities. Right? It's just gonna look bad. :'''Ollie:''' Why? :'''Malcolm:''' We're gonna look desperate, all right? :'''Ollie:''' Well, uh...Steve Fleming likes the idea. :'''Malcolm:''' Never mind what Mummy says. Just do what Daddy says, right? :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, whilst you're on, um, just, um...there's another thing. Uh, Mummy has asked us to publish the crime stats as part of the Transparent Government initiative. Is that all right with Daddy? :'''Malcolm:''' It's fine. :'''Ollie:''' Really? Because, um, Nicola's got that baffled, panicky look like a child on the ghost train. :'''Malcolm:''' Give me a second while I look up my little file of things I really don't give a fuck about. And here we have under the letter N, we've got "nail-bombing golf clubs," there is, uh, the National Trust, there is Newcastle...Nicola Murray. Yes. She's still there. So fucking can Andy Murray and just get on with the fucking crime stats. :'''Nicola:''' ''(still on the phone with Andy)'' I'll make sure Kate liaises with my press whiz kid, uh, Terri Coverley. She's a woman. But listen, if there is anything else we can do for you, ''please'' don't hesitate to call. Dare I say it, we are ''here to serve'', (laughing) if you'll excuse the pun. All right, Andy. Take care. Bye. <hr width="50%"/> :''(But now, Ollie has to give Nicola the bad news...)'' :'''Ollie:''' Malcolm says we have to drop him. :'''Nicola:''' (in disbelief) What? :'''Ollie:''' Andy. He's not in, he's now out. Apparently, according to Malcolm, sent to bed without any barley water. :'''Nicola:''' I mean, he's a fucking tennis player! We're not asking Shane MacGowan! ''Why?'' :'''Ollie:''' It's nothing personal. He just said bringing in celebrities looks desperate. He said it's the sign of a dying government. :'''Nicola:''' We are a dying government! Our hair's falling out, and we're coughing up blood, and our kids are asking us to change the will! :'''Ollie:''' Look, he was quite clear about this. He said just, you know, kill it. Kitten, breeze block, sack, canal. :'''Nicola:''' Oh, I can imagine him being clear about it. Right. We've gotta get on to -- ''(to Terri)'' ''You've'' gotta get on to... :'''Terri:''' Me? :'''Nicola:''' ...Andy Murray's people and find a polite way of saying, "Piss off, Andy. Apparently, you're too well-known to front our public awareness campaign." :'''Terri:''' Right. :''(But Glenn has some GOOD news on the crime stats.)'' :'''Glenn:''' Right! Good news is I have done all that pile and that's in the system. :'''Ollie:''' Excellent. :'''Glenn:''' (stretching his back) Oh, fuck me! :''(But then, Glenn sees a trolley-full of more crime stats headed his way!)'' :'''Glenn:''' ''What the hell's THIS?'' :'''Ollie:''' It appears to be a trolley-full of crime stats. :'''Glenn:''' "Vandalism?" "Bicycle theft?" Oh, this is ridiculous! :''(And just when he says THAT, Glenn kicks open a box of crime stats!)'' :'''Ollie:''' Well, that's given us an unexpected head start, well done. I would kill you but I'd have to add you to the fucking figures. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nicola:''' ''(to Terri)'' Okay. Think about what you're gonna say. :'''Terri:''' Yeah. Okay, I've done that. :'''Nicola:''' What? Already? Is that enough time? :'''Terri:''' ''(on the phone)'' Kate. Hello. Uh, Terri Coverley. Yes. Yeah, we're thrilled about Andy being on board. :'''Nicola:''' ''(whispering to Terri)'' Get on with it. :'''Terri:''' (stammering) No. I'm not actually saying that it's... :''(Nicola then sees Steve Fleming entering the room. Again.)'' :'''Nicola:''' (still whispering) Shit! End the call. End the call. It's Mustache Sally. Fleming! Steve Fleming's here! Put the phone down! :'''Steve:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Ah, Nicola Murray! How are the crime stats coming along? :'''Nicola:''' It's not easy, Steve, as you can see. But Glenn and Ollie are on top of it. :'''Ollie:''' "Other theft?" What the fuck is other theft? :'''Glenn:''' I don't know what other theft is. :'''Steve:''' If you want to stay late, or pull an all-nighter, if you think it'd help – :'''Glenn:''' You want us to work all through the night on this? :'''Steve:''' It would be very much appreciated upstairs. :'''Ollie:''' Hah, well: I'm an atheist. :'''Steve:''' ''(laughs)'' By the Prime Minister. I did get the joke, by the way. :'''Ollie''' ''(mouthing)'': Well done. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm is back from holiday in this scene, and he's having a warm and friendly chat with his loyal assistant, Sam.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' (happily) Good morning, good morning, good morning! I'm back! I'm sorry I left my sombrero at home, but here I am. What do you think of the tan, huh? What do you think of this shade? I call it "Custard Cancer." (Malcolm gets a delivery.) Oh, thank you very much. :'''Sam:''' Where did you go? :'''Malcolm:''' I went to, um, Easter Island. I thought I'd spend my time there re-chiseling all the statues, so that they'd look like Westlife. How about a coffee? :'''Sam:''' Oh, I've sent you a link to Andy Murray's website. There's, uh, something you should see. :'''Malcolm:''' Andy Murray's website? :''(While Sam leaves Malcolm's office to get him a cup of coffee, Malcolm reads about the big news on Andy Murray's website...)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Andy says, "Just agreed to lead the government's Healthy Choices campaign. Eat, live, be well." Fuck a Pot Noodle. :''(Uh-oh...)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Sam, prepare my horse. I ride – to DoSAC! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nicola:''' Hello, Terri. :'''Terri:''' Morning, Nicola. :'''Nicola:''' Who am I, Terri? :'''Terri:''' You're Nicola? Nicola Murray? :''(Nicola nods her head "Yes.")'' :'''Terri:''' Ah. Secretary of State for... :'''Nicola:''' That's right. I'm Secretary of State. So why has a sports personality launched my policy on his fucking website? :'''Terri:''' Ah! No, I know. I know exactly why that is. :'''Nicola:''' You didn't make the phone call, did you? :'''Terri:''' Well, uh, yes. :'''Ollie:''' Nicola, um, in other really bad news -- Good morning, by the way. :'''Glenn:''' (on the phone) This is about the crime stats, yeah? :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, some of the crime stats that we published, as it turns out, were unverified and not ready for being in the public domain. Uh, Marianne Swift from ''The Mail...'' :'''Nicola:''' Oh, Swine-Face Swift. :'''Ollie:''' That's the one. She noticed, uh, a drop in the figures for aggravated burglary in the last quarter. Whereas when she checked it out... :'''Nicola:''' There was no drop. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah. :'''Nicola:''' Right. So Swine-Face Swift and her piggy hack-hog colleagues... :'''Ollie:''' Exactly. So we're getting a lot of, uh, oinking on the phones. So basically what that means is that the department -- well, essentially the royal you, um, seem to have massaged the crime figures. :'''Nicola:''' Great. Thank you, Steve fucking "Ew, Nicola!" Fleming! :'''Ollie:''' Yup. He is a fucking...ninny, isn't he? :'''Nicola:''' Bring my dispatch boxes. :'''Ollie:''' Okay. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Steve:''' Malcolm! :'''Malcolm:''' Oh, there he is, [[wikipedia:Bob_Carolgees|Bob Carolgees]]; how's the wee comedy dog? :'''Steve:''' Welcome back. Good holiday? I hear your kitchen's lovely at this time of year. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well actually, I went to Spain. :'''Steve:''' Oh, nice. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah yeah, I went to Malaga, it was lovely. I was golfing with [[Stephen Hawking]], he's fucking shit. He lied about his handicap. Mind you, I never had to hire a golf buggy, I just sat in his lap. :'''Steve:''' Please. Why do we have to be like this? All this negative energy. Come on! :'''Malcolm:''' What? :'''Steve:''' Well, we've got to work together. So, you know... :'''Malcolm:''' So what? I mean, that doesn't mean we have to like each other, does it? :'''Steve:''' No, I mean... :''(Someone's trying to get past Malcolm and Steve.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to the passer-by)'' Sorry. (He politely lets him pass through.) :'''Steve:''' We both know we don't like each other, everyone knows that, we are the Gallagher brothers of politics. :'''Malcolm:''' How does that work? Does that mean that I'm [[Noel Gallagher|the semi-talented songwriter]] and you're [[Liam Gallagher|the fucking loutish prick]]? That's a lovely analogy. :'''Steve:''' You were the one who forced me out of the sodding band. ''(chuckles)'' Come on, let's have a chat. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm and Steve continue their unfriendly chat in an office.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' You were asked to leave the fucking band. And you wouldn't fucking go, would you? You had to hang on in there, like a [[wikipedia:Limpet|limpet]] up a whale's arse. :'''Steve:''' Why do you thrive so much on being disliked? :'''Malcolm:''' People hate me? Good! Bring it on. Do you know what they say about you? :'''Steve:''' I'm sure you're going to tell me, Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' I'll tell you ''exactly'' what people think about you! :'''Steve:''' All right, go on then! :'''Malcolm:''' ''Fuck-all!!'' :'''Steve:''' Oh, do they? ''FUCK-ALL?'' :'''Malcolm:''' People have ''no'' fucking opinion about you! You're like fucking [[wikipedia:Special K|Special K]] or fucking the Moody Blues. That's you, fucking white noise in the background—Funny? Is that funny? Do you find that funny? :'''Steve:''' No, I don't find anything you're saying funny whatsoever. And I'll tell you a home truth, Malcolm Tucker: The people who are really hated in this country, the people who are really hated, are us. This government. How about we stand together? Let's both be team players, shall we? :''(But then, Malcolm's cell phone beeps.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Were you the Einstein that OK'd this fucking Andy Murray thing at DoSAC? Because I've got ''The Telegraph'' on here. (Steve's cell phone then beeps.) And you've probably got ''The Times'' asking why the budget's been pre-announced on Twitter by fucking Ryan Giggs. :'''Steve:''' (looking at his cell phone) Shit! "The last quarter's crime stats, which DoSAC have published, are unconfirmed projections." Shit! :'''Malcolm:''' That's DoSAC for you. :'''Steve:''' Come on, Malcolm. Team players! :'''Malcolm:''' Bring me sunshine. :''(Both men leave the office.)'' <hr width="50%"/> :''(Meanwhile, at DoSAC, Glenn, Ollie & Terri are on their desk phones, trying to get a better handle on the news of the moment.)'' :'''Glenn:''' (on his phone) No, we're not manipulating the figures. Somebody quite simply made a mistake. No. No, I couldn't possibly say who. :'''Ollie:''' (on his phone) Glenn Cullen. Glenn with one, one N. :'''Terri:''' (on her phone) We have actually decided to go in a different direction from Andy. :''(Steve and Malcolm have entered the room, both making a beeline for Nicola's office.)'' :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Good holiday? :'''Malcolm:''' Shut it, you fucking hairdresser. :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Got any photos? :'''Malcolm:''' I've got a photo of you in a minute with your cock nailed to the desk. Hey, you want to see something that's truly worth photographing? Look at Steve Fleming at work, eh? That's the real master of spin. He's [[wikipedia:Jimi Hendrix|Spinny fucking Hendrix]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''(And now, Steve & Malcolm are confronting Nicola in her office...much to Nicola's dismay...)'' :'''Steve:''' Nicola, you and your department have screwed up! :'''Malcolm''' ''(entering)'': I'd like to agree with the previous speaker, only adding the words 'fucking royally'. :'''Nicola:''' Oh Jesus, am I being gang-bollocked? :'''Malcolm:''' Andy Murray's [[wikipedia:Tim_Henman|Henman]]-fisting us in the press. We can't have that – :'''Steve:''' Well, with undue respect, Malcolm, the crime stats cock-up is a much bigger deal. :'''Nicola:''' This is such a great double act, isn't it? Good Cock, Bad Cock! :'''Malcolm:''' I'll tell you what, why don't you go first, mate? I need a wazz. ''(leaves)'' :'''Steve:''' I like you, Nicola, I quite like you. But darling, I've gotta ask you, what the bloody hell happened? :'''Nicola:''' Like you asked, we published the crime figures from 2004 up to the last quarter. :'''Steve:''' Yes, up to the last quarter but not up to and ''INCLUDING the last quarter, you dozy mare!'' :'''Nicola:''' 'Up to' includes the thing you're going up to. Right? If you say count up to 20, it means count up to ''and include'' the number 20! :'''Steve:''' The events leading up to the Second World War do ''not'' include the Second World War! :'''Nicola:''' We haven't got time for a semantic argument about this. :''(Malcolm returns.)'' :'''Steve:''' Listen, sweetheart – :'''Nicola:''' ''Do not'' fucking call me sweetheart! :'''Malcolm:''' I think you'll find that Steve was addressing me: the 'tache is a bit of a giveaway. :'''Steve:''' I will draft a statement. :'''Malcolm:''' You fucking will not draft any fucking statement! :'''Steve:''' I've been minding the shop! :'''Malcolm:''' You were fucking minding the shop, and what happened? A bunch of fucking schoolkids came in and fucking dropped their trousers and fucking had a shit in aisle 5! :'''Steve:''' Well thank you for giving us a guided tour around the Freudian nightmare of your head! :'''Nicola:''' Could you two decide between you in which order, and from which direction, I'm gonna be shafted? <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm and Steve are playing a "Tug of War" of sorts for Nicola's attention.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Ignore him. Just come with me. Come into my office. :'''Steve:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Let's deal with the crime stats... :''(But Malcolm successfully brings Nicola into his "office..." and shuts Steve out.)'' :'''Steve:''' (knocking on the door) Come on. Malcolm. Malcolm. MALCOLM! (Steve starts laughing uncomfortably) Sorry about this, everybody. :''(Malcolm is happy to shut out Steve, but he's still visibly annoyed.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Goodbye. Give my regards to the rest of the fucking Village People. :''(But then, Terri knocks on the office door.)'' :'''Terri:''' (outside the door) Sorry, Nicola, Mal--um, excuse me. It's Andy Murray. He's-he's insisting on talking to you. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Talk to him. :'''Nicola:''' What? :'''Malcolm:''' Get him back on board. Fucking talk to him. :'''Nicola:''' NO! :'''Malcolm:''' (whispering) Yes. :'''Nicola:''' You cannot be serious! :'''Malcolm:''' Was that an attempt at a joke? :'''Nicola:''' You told me to kill it! I've killed it! :'''Malcolm:''' Right now, some photos in the papers of a very boring man with tight white shorts on is gonna be a very pleasant distraction from Steve's fucking crime stats abortion. :'''Nicola:''' If we need a fucking celebrity, can we try somebody else? Steve Redgrave. :'''Malcolm:''' He's a boring fuck! :'''Nicola:''' Lewis Hamilton. :'''Malcolm:''' Fucking boring, boring fuck. And fucking drives a car. :'''Nicola:''' Chris Boardman. :'''Malcolm:''' Fucking cyclist! Are you fucking mental? ''Everybody'' hates cyclists! Even fucking cyclists hate fucking cyclists! Plus, ''he's'' a boring fuck! :'''Nicola:''' I cannot... :'''Terri:''' (''still'' outside the office) Paula Radcliffe? :'''Nicola:''' No, she shat in the street! :'''Malcolm:''' And she's a boring fuck as well. :'''Nicola:''' How about we just launch the policy without a celebrity? :'''Malcolm:''' (sarcastically) Oh, great idea. "Hello, there. Hi, everyone. I, Nicola Murray, would like to say to you that even though you don't fucking know me from fucking Adam, I think you should cut down on carbs." <hr width="50%"/> :''(Meanwhile, Steve is trying to turn a negative into a positive. He wants to get Glenn and Ollie to fix the crime stats crisis.)'' :'''Steve:''' Lads, let's get this crime stats cock-up sorted. What have you both got so far? :'''Glenn:''' Well, actually, now we've been trying to think of a replacement for Andy Murray. Some of the women footballers...uh, Jessica Clark, or Sue Smith. Or Faye White. :''(Steve's starts smiling, but he's getting annoyed.)'' :'''Steve:''' I ''cannot believe'' the energy going into Andy Murray! (Starts laughing again) I can't! :''(Steve starts leaving DoSAC.)'' :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' What's his problem. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm is talking on his cell phone while heading to his office.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Just try and wrap your gin-addled brain about this, right? I ''did'' say I was at the heart of government. But when... :''(Steve Fleming is already in Malcolm's office.)'' :'''Steve:''' Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' (on his phone) Excuse me. :'''Steve:''' I need to talk to you. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Steve)'' One second, please. ''(back to his phone)'' Listen, when that...When that incident occurred, I was on holiday. Are you saying to me that my wee caravan's a great fucking waste of time? And my stupid fucking wing mirror extensions? :'''Steve:''' (pointing to the TV) The crime stats and Andy Murray, Malc. It's a double fault. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(answering a knock at his door)'' Listen, if you are not a prostitute or a pizza guy, fuck off! ''(to Steve)'' Steve, listen, could you eat or fuck whatever's at the door on your fucking way out, please? ''(to a colleague)'' No thanks. ''(back on his phone)'' How can I be held responsible? What, for what? I've created a what around the government? I've created a vibe? Listen, son, the only fucking vibe you have to worry about is the one that your wife hides in her knicker drawer. ''(back to Steve)'' I am on top of this, okay? :'''Steve:''' Oh, fine, fine. You know, I'm just saying I'll gladly lend you a hand if you feel the need to keep your head down. :'''Malcolm:''' I don't need to keep my head down, because unlike yourself, I don't give blowjobs to truckers. :''(Another knock at Malcolm's office door...)'' :'''Malcolm:''' I SAID FUCK OFF! :''(The door opens, and -- SURPRISE! It's Julius Nicholson!)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Oh, it's Lord Nicholson! What an enormous pleasure this is! :'''Julius:''' (with a big smile) Well, in fact, it's, um, the Right Honorable the Lord Nicholson of Arnage. And the kissing of feet may commence! :'''Malcolm:''' You got all your stuff ready for your official lording ceremony? Have you got your mink thong and your ermine colostomy bag? :'''Julius:''' No, I don't, no. I have to hire that, unfortunately. I can't wear it on the Tube or the bus, but I would. It would be great larks, but there we go. :'''Steve:''' How about a coffee? Coffee? :'''Julius:''' Well, um, if there's coffee going, I'd never say no to a nice cup of coffee. :'''Malcolm:''' Do you not drink coffee anymore? Is it all port and swan's blood these days? :'''Julius:''' Swan's blood. That does sound nice. No, I'm just sort of passing through, because obviously we need to start booting up this crime stats inquiry. But it's in effect an investigation into the facts. But I thought since I was passing through... :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, but you don't have to talk to me about that, do you? 'Cause I was on my holidays then. Did you get my postcard? :'''Julius:''' Well, I will speak to whomsoever I need to speak to, holiday or no holiday? :'''Malcolm:''' Where did you learn to speak like that? Is there a special school that's just you and Brian Sewell went to? :'''Julius:''' I'm gonna leave you to it, frankly. :'''Malcolm:''' So soon? :'''Steve:''' And I'm gonna make tracks as well, Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' Okay, good to see you both. :''(But just before Steve leaves...)'' :'''Steve:''' ''(to Malcolm, softly)'' The problem is that you are shifting from the man people love to hate to the man people just hate. From [[wikipedia:Simon Cowell|Simon Cowell]] to [[wikipedia:Piers Morgan|Piers Morgan]]. :'''Malcolm:''' See you later, and remember, my door's always open. :''(And when Steve leaves, Malcolm throws part of the bagel sandwich he was eating onto the door in disgust.)'' <hr width="50%"/> :''(Glenn and Ollie are reading stories about Malcolm in the newspapers.)'' :'''Ollie:''' I had no idea, no idea that it was Malcolm who drafted Fleming's resignation letter in 2003. :'''Glenn:''' I forgot your political memory only goes back two issues of [[The Economist]]. :'''Ollie:''' Hey! There's a reference to you here, Cullen. :'''Glenn:''' Where? :'''Ollie:''' 'Alleged to have assaulted an elderly aide at a party conference.' :'''Glenn:''' Elderly aide? :'''Ollie:''' Elderly aide. :'''Glenn:''' God, that makes me sound like a fucking stairlift! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm sees Nicola outside his office.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Hey, [[wikipedia:Dora the Explorer|Dora the Explorer]]. :'''Nicola:''' (sighing) Still here, then, Malcolm? :'''Malcolm:''' Time for a milky drink? Come on. Come on in. I wanna have a word with you. :''(Nicola reluctantly comes into Malcolm's office...)'' :'''Malcolm:''' There you go. How was Cabinet? Was it good? Is Tom looking after you? :'''Nicola:''' You're all over the newspapers like a pissing puppy, Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' Well, I think you'll find that's what we masters of the dark arts call a blip. Tomorrow that will all be old news. It'll be like the fucking [[wikipedia:The War of the Roses|War of the Roses]]. Or [[wikipedia:AIDS|AIDS]]. Remember AIDS? Listen, Nicola, see that? Did Julius mention to you about his inquiry? :'''Nicola:''' Yeah. :'''Malcolm:''' The inquiry into the whole fucking crime stats cock-up? :'''Nicola:''' Yeah. :'''Malcolm:''' You know the phone call that came through to me from your office? You know, about the whole idea? :'''Nicola:''' Yeah, yeah. :'''Malcolm:''' It didn't happen, right? :'''Nicola:''' You want me to cover your back? :'''Malcolm:''' I want you to get the old inquiry screen out and slap it on, fucking factor 50, why not? Listen, I'll tell you what. This is what I'll do. I will get for you some really good press attention for your fucking Healthy Choices nonsense. How about that? I'll get you some big fucking healthy headlines. :'''Nicola:''' You're in no position to give me anything. You're not -- you can't even get a fucking bagel cleaned up off your door. Do you mind? :''(Nicola gets ready to leave Malcolm's office, but he's still trying to talk to her.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' What? Do you think I can't get it up anymore? Is that it? You're looking at fucking Lazarus, sweetheart. And not just plain Lazarus. I'm fucking self-raising Lazarus, right? <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm has organised positive press coverage of DoSAC's Healthy Lifestyles policy)'' :'''Glenn:''' Well done Malcolm. :'''Ollie:''' He's very impressive, isn't he? In the way that, you know, [[Mao Zedong|Chairman Mao]] was actually quite impressive. :'''Glenn:''' Well that's the thing about the evil, isn't it, their amazing work ethic. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' How are the hacks? :'''Steve:''' Ready to eat their own cocks. :'''Malcolm:''' They're only journalists, Steve, not fucking [[wikipedia:Rangers_F.C.|Rangers]] supporters. :'''Steve:''' I know they are. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well, I need 10 minutes. I need to google some jokes about Andy Murray. :'''Steve:''' Shall I go first? :'''Malcolm:''' Warm them up. Tell them [[wikipedia:Laurence Olivier|Olivier]] is on his way, but in the meantime, here's an audience with [[wikipedia:Peter Bowles|Peter fucking Bowles]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''(A short time later, Malcolm spots Julius again.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Oh, there he is. Screaming Lord Crutch. I like the flunkies, by the way. That's a very nice touch. It's a wee bit [[wikipedia:Graham Norton|Graham Norton]]. :'''Julius:''' Don't needle me, Malcolm. Not when people are under scrutiny. :'''Malcolm:''' ''I'm'' under scrutiny? :'''Julius:''' Yes. :'''Malcolm:''' I'm fucking Nosferatu. That's really fucking scary. :'''Julius:''' (unimpressed) I'm walking on. We're moving on. I'm Ian Botham. I'm walking on for hospice care. :''(And then, Malcolm sees Nicola...and he sneaks over to her when nobody's looking.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' How's it going with Lord Bonnie Longford? :'''Nicola:''' I've not been in yet. I've just been standing here for 20 minutes. :'''Malcolm:''' So IF this phone call does come up... :'''Julius''' (Seeing what Malcolm's up to) No! No, that's not... :'''Nicola:''' You're nothing if not persistent, are you, Malcolm? :''(Julius breaks up the conversation.)'' :'''Julius:''' Don't do that! I made it quite clear... :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Julius)'' I was standing over there and I thought, "Nicola's choking." But she wasn't. She was laughing, retrospectively, at your massive shiny head. ''(to Steve)'' Oh, what happened? Did you get heckled off? What was the line? "Taxi for [[Tom Selleck]]!" :'''Steve:''' Yeah. Could I have a quick word? Just...just five minutes. :''(Steve takes Malcolm into the office to have a private chat.)'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Steve:''' So, Malcolm, mate. :'''Malcolm:''' What is it? What's...What's the problem? You look like you fucking coughed up your own twin. :''(An awkward silence...)'' :'''Malcolm:''' No, no, no, no...I need to talk to Tom. :'''Steve:''' No, Tom isn't immediately available to you. :'''Malcolm:''' Fuck off. :'''Steve:''' Malcolm, the Prime Minister respects you enormously. :'''Malcolm:''' (on his cell phone) Sam, get a hold of Pat, right... :''(But then, Malcolm's cell phone shuts off.)'' :'''Steve:''' Actually, I'm gonna need that. That's an official Blackberry. :'''Malcolm:''' (answering a door knock) Fuck off! :''(Julius enters the office.)'' :'''Julius:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Right. Your five minutes starts now. :'''Malcolm:''' Fuck off. :'''Steve:''' ''(to Julius)'' This is an acutely private moment, Julius. Would it seem terribly rude if I asked you to ''shit off'' for five minutes? :'''Julius:''' Yes, it would. :''(And now, Nicola enters the office.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Can you fuck off as well? :'''Nicola:''' ''(to Julius)'' Julius, what -- ''(to Malcolm)'' Sorry, excuse me? ''(back to Julius)'' Julius, what is the deal? :'''Julius:''' At ''the moment'', Malcolm is getting ''The Sack.'' :'''Nicola:''' (stunned) Shit. Now? Literally? I mean, in -- I'm actually in the sacking? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Yeah, well, let's see what the fucking Prime Minister has to say about that! Huh? Let's see what he has to say! :'''Steve:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Listen to me a minute! The Prime Minister supports you fully in whatever you decide to do next. :''(Steve presents Malcolm with a pen and paper, in effect asking for his resignation.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' You. Fucking Nicola. Right, tell them. Fucking tell them that there was no fucking phone call. ''(beat)'' Speak! I fucking ask you, speak! Open Sesame! :'''Nicola:''' I'm not, I'm not here, Malcolm. I'm not... :'''Malcolm:''' You are fucking here! :'''Nicola:''' I'm not seeing this. :'''Malcolm:''' Open your fucking mouth for once and say something! :'''Nicola:''' I'm not getting involved. :'''Malcolm:''' You fucking speak! You've always fucking got something to say! :'''Nicola:''' I'm only a Cabinet Minister! :'''Malcolm:''' Fuck off, then! :''(Nicola runs out of Number 10.)'' :'''Steve:''' Malc, Malc – :'''Malcolm:''' Don't fucking touch me! :'''Steve:''' Come on, Malc! :'''Malcolm:''' You cannot fuck me! You cannot fuck me! I am unfuckable! I have never been fucked! And if you fucking try and fuck me, you'll find my fucking arse will fucking grow fucking fangs! :'''Steve:''' Yeah, all right, now come and listen to me! Will you listen to me – :'''Malcolm:''' And fucking snap your fucking cock off – :'''Steve:''' MALCOLM TUCKER, WILL YOU LISTEN TO ME?! :'''Malcolm:''' Go right ahead. Yeah, let's hear it, let's hear it. :'''Steve:''' Listen to me for one second. :'''Malcolm:''' Go right ahead. :'''Steve:''' I wouldn't tell ''you'' what I've just told you ''before'' I'd told the press pack, would I? That would be very very unprofessional. So there's no point in getting angry because the show's over. It's curtains. No curtain call. Everyone ''loved'' the show, but it just wasn't ''buttering'' any ''parsnips'' ANYMORE, BROTHER! :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. You don't have the fucking balls, apart from that great inflated fucking ball on the fucking end of your fucking neck. :'''Steve:''' (looking at the TV behind Malcolm) Ooh, look. Oh... :''(Malcolm's resignation is now the big story on BBC News.)'' :'''Steve:''' (whispering softly) "Malcolm Tucker resigns..." Looks pretty factual to me. :'''Malcolm:''' Fuck this. Fuck this. Fuck you all. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm is now chasing himself into Steve's office!)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Get back to fucking ''[[wikipedia:The Wind in the Willows|Wind in the Willows]]'', 'cause that's where you fucking belong! :'''Steve:''' I didn't ask you to -- I didn't ask you to come back in. Would you leave my office, please? :'''Malcolm:''' I'm not fucking gonna waste my breath on you. :''(And now, Malcolm is marching his way towards Julius! Yelling and cursing along the way!)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Julius)'' As for you... :'''Julius:''' Malcolm, I am sick to death -- You can explain -- :''(Malcolm puts his hands on Julius and pins him up against a door!)'' :'''Julius:''' Don't TOUCH me, Malcolm! :'''Malcolm:''' I'll fucking touch you if I like! :'''Julius:''' Because I'll tell you this, man! :'''Malcolm:''' You'll tell me WHAT? :'''Julius:''' YOU shafted me, boy! :''(Julius fights back and puts his hand on Malcolm!)'' :'''Julius:''' I'll fucking strike you, Malcolm! :'''Malcolm:''' Don't you fucking touch me! :'''Julius:''' I warn you! :'''Malcolm:''' Don't touch that scarf! That's Paul Smith! Twat! ''(to somebody else)'' MOVE! :''(Malcolm is finally leaving Good Ol' Number 10.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' YOU WILL SEE ME AGAIN! (Malcolm heads towards the door.) You will fucking see me again! ''(He leaves Number 10.)'' <hr width="50%"/> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Marianne Swift:''' So all this is homemade, is it? :'''Malcolm:''' Of course it is! Look, I mean, this is going to be like [[wikipedia:Jamie_at_Home|Jamie at Home]], right, except I'm not going to be bouncing around spouting Cockney drivel out of my fat, lisping, ox face. <hr width="50%"/> :''(deleted scene)'' :''(thinking about options other than Andy Murray for the Healthy Eating launch)'' :'''Terri:''' What about [[wikipedia:Lynda_Bellingham|Lynda Bellingham]]? :'''Ollie:''' Yes, that'd be convincing, 'Eat less salt', says [[wikipedia:Oxo_(food)#Marketing|the dancing Oxo lady]], good idea. No one from [[wikipedia:Calendar_Girls_(play)|the stage show of Calendar Girls]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''(deleted scene)'' :''(Reading stories about Malcolm in the newspapers)'' :'''Glenn:''' I forgot your political memory only goes back two issues of The Economist. :'''Ollie:''' That's right, Glenn, you'll have to hold my hand through this complicated world: some of us weren't up the Acropolis the day that you and [[Roy Jenkins]] invented democracy. :'''Terri:''' Oh my God. Did you know that he'd been some kind of womaniser? :'''Ollie:''' You wanna check the Sun, they've got a woman who claims he womanised her three times in a day at the gazebo at Chequers. Front, back, and in the gallery, as I understand it. ==Series 3, Episode 8== :''(At DoSAC, Glenn and Ollie can't get over Malcolm Tucker's resignation.)'' :'''Glenn:''' You know, I just can't quite believe this. I mean, this is the single most shocking thing I've seen in politics since the SDP. I thought he'd at least go out with a bang or a killing spree. :'''Ollie:''' I always imagined he'd just shout so hard his lungs would come up and choke him to death. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Over at Opposition HQ, however, Malcolm's departure is being celebrated by Peter Mannion and his team.)'' :'''Peter:''' End of an era! :'''Emma:''' Yeah, a really shit era though, isn't it? :'''Phil:''' ''(cheering)'' WHOO! :'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' Oh, f-- Calm down! :'''Phil:''' Balrog's dead! I mean, that's it. I mean, they're done. I mean, no one can replace him. It's like when Queen lost [[wikipedia:Freddie Mercury|Freddie]]. You know. Certainly not [[wikipedia:Paul Rodgers|Paul Rodgers]]. :''(Stewart Pearson, however, wants no part of the festivities. He wants everyone to get back to business.)'' :'''Stewart:''' All right, everyone. That's the two seconds of respect due to him. Now get back to your desks and do something, okay? ''(to a female worker)'' Not the sofa! Who are you, Lorraine Kelly? Get out here and do something! If you've nothing to do, leave, because you're clearly surplus to requirements! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Steve is at DoSAC, trying to gently assure everyone that everything's alright.)'' :'''Steve:''' Um, lads and lasses! ''(He laughs)'' Please, just a quick word. Thank you. Really, it's just a hand-hold to set the tone for a slightly re-jigged regime. I've done all the important departments, and now I've got to you. ''(He laughs again)'' Seriously, I've done that joke everywhere, but, uh, even with the genuinely big departments. So I'm not -- ''(imitating gun fire)'' -- aiming at you in any sort of a snide way. I'm just checking that we're all at the very top of our games. ''(Steve then looks at Glenn, who's looking at his cell phone.)'' Glenn, mate? :'''Glenn:''' Sorry. :'''Steve:''' Are you on top of your game? :'''Glenn:''' I am -- I am ''above'' my game. I-I'm in a geo-stationary orbit, way above it, looking down and going, "Hello, game, it's Glenn!" :'''Steve:''' (laughing) Right! You know, there's an election looming. This is quite a serious time. We need to be aware of that. (Steve points in Glenn's direction, smiling) But I love humor, and that was good humor. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm is at home with a man going through alternative career options.)'' :'''Man:''' Do you want to swim the Channel for [[wikipedia:Scope_(charity)|Scope]]? :'''Malcolm:''' No! :'''Man:''' Do you want to do ''[[wikipedia:Dragons'_Den_(UK_TV_series)|Dragon's Den]]'' for ''[[wikipedia:Children_in_Need|Children in Need]]''? :'''Malcolm:''' I'd rather fuck a real dragon. :'''Man:''' Would you consider promoting a politically themed restaurant? :'''Malcolm:''' How does that – how does that even work? Oh fuck no, I don't care. :'''Man:''' Would you like to write a children's book, called 'The Angry Spider'? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Steve:''' So, everything: Good. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, you know, a bit of instability with Malcolm gone, a sort of sense of Post – you know, Psychotic Twats Disorder, but – :'''Steve:''' No no, listen, I understand, but you know, right now, you're all emerging from the cellar – pleased that the beatings have stopped - scared of what the future might hold, but long-term, I think we're all going to be okay. Pep talk, over! Return to your desks, and prepare for government. :'''Ollie:''' We're in government. :'''Steve:''' ''(smiling, but clearly annoyed)'' Well then, prepare to ''stay'' in government. :'''Ollie:''' Oh right. How do we do that? :'''Glenn:''' We pack an overnight bag. :'''Steve:''' ''(apoplectic) Will you '''PLEASE, FUCKING WELL –''' (Steve immediately composes himself, and lets out a forced laugh)'' I'm sorry, I've lost my temper! Where is it? Where is it? Oh, no, I've found it again. It's alright. :'''Ollie:''' Always in the last place you look, eh? :'''Nicola:''' ''(to Steve)'' So, can I...? :'''Steve:''' Yeah. :'''Nicola:''' Great. :'''Steve:''' Uh, actually, can I have a word with you, Nicky, please? :'''Nicola:''' Yeah. Nicola. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Steve wants to talk to Nicola in her office about the upcoming election...and he's standing a bit too close for her comfort.)'' :'''Steve:''' I just wanted to check. Obviously, Dan Miller's cabal is going house to house through the cabinet looking for numbskulls stupid enough to resign to trigger his elevation to the throne. :'''Nicola:''' ''(nodding)'' Obviously. :'''Steve:''' What I need to know is are you solid? :'''Nicola:''' Yeah, I am completely -- I am solid as, as the proverbial. As-as a rock. As a rock-hard...as a sailor's wang on shore leave. :'''Steve:''' ''(very pleased)'' Superb. You really are the potty mouth, aren't you? :'''Nicola:''' ''(chuckling)'' Well, a lot to do. :''(After Steve leaves her office, Nicola calls out to Glenn & Ollie.)'' :'''Nicola:''' Ollie, Glenn, in here now. Quick, quick, quick. :''(Glenn approaches the office while taking off his glasses.)'' :'''Nicola:''' Oh Glenn! Don't faff around with your glasses, I know you take them off every time you come in here. It's not impressive. ''(to Glenn and Ollie)'' What do we know about the anti-Tom cabal? Why have I not been contacted by them? :'''Glenn:''' Well, um, uh... :'''Ollie:''' Because it would be you...uh, you're seen very much as an individual around the, uh... :'''Nicola:''' ''(embarrassed)'' That's bollocks, isn't it? It's 'cause I'm the girl at the party nobody wants to dance with. I'm the freak in the corner with a pint of cider and blackcurrant and the funny eye. :'''Ollie:''' No no. I-I mean, it's...You know, it a big, big Rolodex full of numbers. I'm sure... :'''Nicola:''' ''(to both Glenn & Ollie)'' Thank you. You may go. :'''Glenn:''' ''(stammering)'' We st-We still would like to dance with you. :'''Nicola:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Oh, fuck off. Go and put your glasses back on. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm is watching the nightly TV news at home when, all of a sudden, his cell phone rings...)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Hello, Phillip Schofield, I fuck lobsters for money. :''(Somebody is telling Malcolm something important.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Oh? <hr width="50%"/> :''(Julius Nicholson is trying to persuade Malcolm Tucker to return as the two of them are sharing an Indian take-away meal.)'' :'''Julius:''' Take the rice first. :'''Malcolm:''' Thank you. :'''Julius:''' Um, I want you to be very clear, Malc, about why it is that I brought you in. Do you know what hat it is that I'm wearing? :'''Malcolm:''' Is it your baldy swimming cap wig? :'''Julius:''' No, it is my government troubleshooter stetson, which is a long way from my homburg of sober inquiry. :'''Malcolm:''' Do you know that I'm thinking of doing a television program? :'''Julius:''' Well, I had heard something on the grapevine. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, it's good. You know that program ''[[wikipedia:Civilisation|Civilisation]]'' with Kenneth Clarke? :'''Julius:''' Oh, yes. :'''Malcolm:''' It's gonna be like that, except with fucking more quim, you know? It's me, Simon Schama and Alan Yentob in a cage, fucking lump hammer each, whacking the shit out of each other. The last man standing wins a fucking [[wikipedia:Ford Focus|Ford Focus]]. :'''Julius:''' The thing is, Malcolm, your departure has basically precipitated a call-to-arms, in effect. We have it on reasonably good authority that there are between three to four cabinet ministers who are disgruntled and are planning a mass resignation. And that means, very simply, a Dan Miller coronation. And as my nephew would say, "This shit just got real." :'''Malcolm:''' Your nephew? :'''Julius:''' Yeah, he's at Charterhouse. Only a day boy, not a boarder. Anyway, the fact is it has to be stopped. Um...There have been a number of ideas being tossed around. And one of them is...would you be prepared to come back? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(in disbelief)'' Are you out of your tiny, shiny fucking mind? :'''Julius:''' Look, we can do this simply. :''(Julius picks up four colored pencils.)'' :'''Julius:''' Step 1: Are you interested? Of course you are. ''(Julius drops a pencil)'' Step 2: Will you come back? Yes? ''(He drops another pencil)'' Superb. Step 3, and this is the important step: Will you use your considerable influence to destroy the cabal? Can I drop it down? ''(Julius drops down that pencil, too)'' Fan-dabi-dozi! Step 4: It's party time. Let's tool up with basmati rice and...Wahey! :'''Malcolm:''' ''(rightfully confused)'' You're asking me -- to come back here and mop up the fucking splatter from my own assassination? :'''Julius:''' You know where the bodies are buried. And we'll just say you're coming back to advise, it's election strategy, it's not a day-to-day government business role. :'''Malcolm:''' I can't come back again unless I know that I'm in the clear in your report. :'''Julius:''' I'm not in a position to discuss that; not with my current hat on. However, would I be sat here now if the man in the other hat—which is also me—wasn't sure that everyone involved in this inquiry didn't come out relatively well? :'''Malcolm:''' And what about Steve Fleming, yeah? You schizo hat fuck? :'''Julius:''' Let me put it this way: You see this onion bhaji? Let us pretend for a minute that this onion bhaji is the problems that would be caused by a report that criticised you or Steve Fleming. Hmm? Watch. ''(Julius takes a bite of the bhaji.)'' You see what I’m doing? I’m eating.. the onion bhaji. ''(He eats the rest of the bhaji.)'' Why? Because I am the man that makes the bhaji go away. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Steve approaches Julius while he's feeding ducks)'' :'''Steve:''' The rain in Spain stays mainly on the plain. :'''Julius:''' Well, actually, that is a popular misconception because what happens is the rain falls just before the mountain ridge, but they wouldn't want you to know that because it would spoil the rhyme. :'''Steve:''' Julius, what's up, Boo Boo? ''(both laugh)'' :'''Julius:''' Not much, I'm just feeding some victuals to these poor old ducks. That red-crested pochard there is positively ''hoggish'' with this Hovis. :'''Steve:''' I heard certain rumblings that I don't come out terribly well in this report of yours. Off the record, matey, am I fucked? :'''Julius:''' Off the record, and this is strictly between you, me and that ornamental gatepost over there, of course; the report is strictly confidential until publication. Haha, do you see what I've done there? The bald man has done a funny. :'''Steve:''' It's not funny. No, it's not funny at all, Julius. :'''Julius:''' ''(continuing to laugh)'' I beg to differ. I think I'm on sparkling form. :'''Steve:''' ''For '''fuck's''' sake!'' You ''FUCKING... Pontius'' Pilate, with the emphasis on '''''PONCE!''''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Glenn:''' ''(reading a headline about Steve and Julius on'' Times Online'')'' 'Care to do another draft, Sir Whitewash?' :'''Ollie:''' What have ''The Mirror'' got? :'''Terri:''' 'Give us the bald facts?' Oh it's very rude that, isn't it: I was always taught never to make personal remarks about people. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Glenn:''' OK, listen up everybody, that was Gavin over at Number 10. He reckons that Steve Fleming has just joined the cabal. :'''Everyone:''' Ooh! :'''Terri:''' That's a complete disaster, there'll be nothing else on television for weeks. :'''Ollie:''' Where's Malcolm? Where's the dark knight in all this? :'''Glenn:''' Malcolm will have grabbed his false passport by now, he'll be on a plane to Brazil, and he's about to spend the rest of his days being [[wikipedia:Marathon_Man_(film)|the world's scariest dentist]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nicola:''' Hello. You all right? You've got that 'cock in the cookie jar' look. :'''Ollie:''' He's back. :'''Nicola:''' Who? Barrymore? :'''Ollie:''' No. :'''Nicola:''' Clement Attlee? ''(realises)'' Oh fuck! :'''Ollie:''' Yes. :'''Nicola:''' Malcolm. :'''Ollie:''' Yes. :'''Nicola:''' Oh, no. God, he's gonna kill me. I was there when he was being sacked and he asked me for help, and I held out and now he's gonna want revenge isn't he? Fuck, fuck, fuck, it's gonna be like 'Kill Bill' or 'Get Carter', only it's gonna be 'Get and kill Nicola and then get Carter and Bill to fucking kill her too'! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nicola:''' Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' Hey Nicola! How are you doing? :'''Nicola:''' You're back. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah I'm just, you know, tying up a few loose ends. :'''Nicola:''' With which you're going to plait some kind of garotte and strangle me. :'''Malcolm:''' Forgive and forget. That's my motto. :'''Nicola:''' I thought your motto was '[[wikipedia:Who_Dares_Wins|Who fucks wins]]' or '[[wikipedia:Honi_soit_qui_mal_y_pense|Honi soit qui Malc y fuck]]'. :'''Malcolm:''' I've got a lot of mottos. Don't take that job, Nicola. :'''Nicola:''' God, Malcolm – :'''Malcolm:''' The anti-Tom brigade are just waiting for the first piece to fall. If you resign, it's political fucking Jenga. You will cause a landslide that will ''bury'' this Government. And you'll keep the party in opposition until Daniel Radcliffe is advertising walk-in baths in the fucking [[wikipedia:The_People's_Friend|People's Friend]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Julius:''' You... :'''Malcolm:''' Julius! :'''Julius:''' ...are a naughty bastard! :'''Malcolm:''' ''(Holding up Julius' report)'' Best thing I've read all year. It's the only thing, mind you. :'''Julius:''' You've done some pretty awful things to me in my time, but this takes the bloody biscuit. And you've pissed on that biscuit and I've got to eat it. Well, here's the news, Malcolm, I will not eat the pissy biscuit! :'''Malcolm:''' Sam, no pissy biscuits. ''(to Julius)'' What are you going on about, Julius? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' Are you off to clear your desk, Steve? Don't forget your lucky [[wikipedia:Gonk|gonk]], and your "World's Shittiest Dad" mug. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Steve:''' I'm going to resign from the Cabinet. And then, I'm going to join Dan Miller's team. ''(beat)'' I think we need a new leader. ''(walks off)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(following)'' Steve! :'''Steve:''' Oh, no, no, no! :'''Malcolm:''' Steve, don't you ever take up fucking poker, 'cause you're a crap liar. :'''Steve:''' I am gonna join Dan Miller's team and then we are gonna take you down; we are gonna take you down to funky town! ''Funky Town Centre, here you come!'' ''CHOO FUCKING CHOO!'' :'''Malcolm:''' Is this what you're threatening me with, fucking disco lights and a fucking choo-choo train? You're a joke, Steve! :'''Steve:''' ''(laughing)'' There's nothing you can do! :'''Malcolm:''' Steve! :'''Steve:''' Yeah? :'''Malcolm:''' There's ''one'' thing I can do! :'''Steve:''' What are you gonna do? :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, wouldn't you like to know! :'''Steve:''' Who are you gonna meet? Who's your meeting with? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(walking off)'' Bye-bye! :'''Steve:''' ''I'M NOT FUCKING WORRIED, MATE!'' ''(walks down the corridor)'' Fuck him! Fuck him! Fuck him! Fuck him! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stewart:''' All right now, listen up, my children of a lesser god, you will find a file marked 'Snap Election Drill' on the J drive. And if you don't know how to access the J drive, hand your pass in at reception, go and buy some silver body paint, and pretend to be a robot on the [[wikipedia:South_Bank|South Bank]]. Fly my pretties, fly! :''(Suddenly, Phil's cell phone rings.)'' :'''Phil:''' Stewart! Stewart, The Fucker's downstairs. :'''Stewart:''' No, no, no. He's not downstairs, but if he were, I'd know about it, and if I knew about it, I would have vetoed it. Okay? :'''Emma:''' He is, and he is complete poison. :'''Peter:''' Ah, The Fucker! ''(to Stewart)'' And you thought he was just a myth created to frighten naughty MPs into eating all their truffles and swan. :'''Stewart:''' Watch my lips. Cal Richards is not here. :''(But Cal Richards IS there...and he's headed their way.)'' :'''Stewart:''' Cal! :'''Cal Richards:''' Hello. :'''Stewart:''' Hi. :'''Cal:''' Hi, Stewart. :'''Stewart:''' Good to see you. I didn't know about this. JB didn't say anything. :'''Cal:''' Hello, everyone. I just wanted it to be a surprise. :''(Cal shakes hands with Peter, Phil and Emma while he's talking to Stewart.)'' :'''Stewart:''' Yeah, why are you...why are you here? :'''Cal:''' Well, mate, I just thought I'd check in with the intellectual powerhouse of the party. That's all. That's why I'm here. :'''Stewart:''' Right. Well, if you want to step in the office, yeah, I'll dismiss the children and we can talk. :'''Cal:''' No. 'Cause I'm kidding, aren't I? No, because I've come here to tell you that you're fucking sacked. :'''Peter:''' (thrilled) Halle-bloody-lujah! :''(A look of doom comes over Stewart's face...)'' :'''Phil:''' Should I escort Stewart from the building, then, Cal? :'''Emma:''' Philip, Don't be such a fucking turncoat. :'''Cal:''' Yes, Philip, excellent idea. And while you're there, could you do me another favour, please? Could you find a hostel, go there, and take a fucking overdose of barbiturates? :''(Emma chuckles at Cal's request.)'' :'''Stewart:''' Yeah, right. Okay, well, I'm not fired. You can't fire me, Cal, so shall we just cut to the chase? Hmm? :'''Cal:''' (pretending to talk like a baby) "Aw, you can't fire me, Cal, 'cause you're..." Gotcha! I'm kidding. Of course you're not fired. Look at your face. :'''Stewart:''' (smiling, but not amused) Funny. :'''Peter:''' I'm sensing a change in management styles here from touchy-feely to smashy-testes. :'''Cal:''' No, okay, joking aside, I'm just an impartial observer. Quite partial, obviously. So, uh, take it away, [[wikipedia:Captain Mainwaring|Captain Mainwaring]]. :'''Stewart:''' ''(to the crowd)'' All right, folks, listen up. We have three key targets when we are smart-bombing our beloved PM and they are: The deficit, unemployment, lack of leadership. Get onto the J drive, you'll find key... :''(And then suddenly -- Cal EXPLODES!)'' :'''Cal:''' ''FUCK, THAT IS BRILLIANT!!'' THAT IS INSPIRED! WHAT SAUCE! GET IN! [[wikipedia:It's_the_economy,_stupid|IT'S THE ''ECONOMY'', STEWPOT]]! Fuck, what I REALLY need to do is to shoot you all in the back of the head! ''(imitating a gun)'' FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! But I can't, because it's illegal! :''(Then, Cal calms back down again.)'' :'''Cal:''' Okay, I'd like a small cappuccino, two extra shots, please. I think we've got a long night ahead of us. ''(to Stewart)'' Come on! :'''Stewart:''' ''(to Cal)'' I'm coming. ''(to Peter)'' Better the devil you know, huh? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Terri''' ''(on the phone)'': I think we're just playing it in the wrong key. It's when we go, ''(sings at a low pitch)'' 'Red and yellow and blue' – :'''Nicola:''' What's she talking about? :'''Ollie:''' Oh. She's putting on her annual production of ''[[wikipedia:Joseph_and_the_Amazing_Technicolor_Dreamcoat|Joseph]]'', in Hemel Hempstead. She doesn't license it ever because she considers ''Joseph'' to be public domain. :'''Terri:''' But I need to just pitch it a little higher. More like, ''(sings at a much higher pitch)'' 'Red and yellow and blue and green' – :'''Glenn:''' She's directing it. And starring. :'''Ollie:''' As Jacob. :'''Nicola:''' With a beard? :'''Ollie:''' Well, one assumes with a beard. Maybe she'll just let herself go for a couple of weeks, see what happens. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm Tucker and Cal Richards are giving pre-election pep talks to their respective parties)'' :'''Malcolm:''' I know what people say to you, right? They say: 'We hate you. I hate you, I hate you, I hate you.' Everybody hates you. So fucking what? Some people, they just fucking love to hate. Some people, they'd fucking walk around the fucking Garden of Eden fucking moaning about the lack of fucking mobile reception. These are the kind of fucks who watched ''Mandela'' – fucking Nelson Mandela – walk to freedom, and said 'Is ''[[wikipedia:Diagnosis:_Murder|Diagnosis: Murder]]'' not on the other side?' So we fucking forget about them. :'''Cal:''' This government has run this country into the ground. This used to be a [[wikipedia:And_did_those_feet_in_ancient_time#"Green_and_pleasant_Land"|green and pleasant land]], now it's the colour of the fucking BBC Weather map. It looks like anaemic dogshit. :'''Malcolm:''' JB, Cal Richards, and their ''hordes'' of fucking robots, they're coming over the hill, towards us! And all you have got to do is this: bend down, pick up any fucking weapon you can, and ''twat'' the fuckery out of them – :'''Cal:''' This government is maimed, but it can't be shamed. It will. Be. FUCKED! :'''Malcolm:''' Let's get out there, and let's fucking kill them, LET'S SET FIRE TO TEARS! Let's go! ''(all applaud and cheer)'' Come on! Let's go, yes! :'''Cal:''' OK, let's get going. :'''Phil''' ''(to Emma)'': What do we do? :'''Cal:''' ''(on an office phone)'' What do I call for an outside line? :'''Emma:''' That was great, wasn't it? :'''Phil:''' What do we do? :'''Cal:''' Is it 9, 'cause that's what it is everywhere else? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cal:''' ''(to an anonymous Opposition member of staff)'' Stop saying "Abingdon" to me, I want a fucking chocolate biscuit!<hr width="50%" /> :'''Peter:''' Yeah, for the first time in a decade, I can feel the old dog twitching to life. :'''Phil''' ''(Chinese accent)'': 'So sorry me! This election give me an erection.' :'''Peter:''' The old dog I was referring to was me. <hr width="50%"/> :''(All DoSAC staff are leaving because of the election)'' :'''Terri:''' See you, Nicola! ''(to herself)'' Or not.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Ollie:''' Is this good, all this panic? I haven't seen ''[[Snakes on a Plane]]'', but I imagine this is pretty much how people would react on finding their plane was brimming with snakes. :'''Nicola:''' Except Malcolm is the snakes, isn't he? I mean, this is more ''Snakes Not on a Plane''.<hr width="50%" />''(deleted scene)'' :'''Malcolm''' ''(walking into Steve's office)'': Steve! Look! I've made an unexpected comeback. Like [[wikipedia:Noel_Edmonds|Noel Edmonds]] or secondary cancer. :'''Steve Fleming:''' Don't get any ideas, Malcolm. I can cut you loose any time I like; I can toss you aside like an unwanted [[wikipedia:Panettone|panettone]], which, I warn you, is ''most'' panettones.<hr width="50%" />''(deleted scene)'' :'''Cal Richards''' ''(giving his pre-election pep talk)'': Remember, this government is like going out with Madonna: at first you think, 'Result'; now we wake up every morning to see an increasingly crazed, craggy-faced egomaniac who jumps on every fucking passing bandwagon.<hr width="50%" />''(deleted scene)'' :'''Terri''' ''(leaving an answerphone message)'': If you have any political enquiries, at any time, 24 hours a day, Oliver Reeder and Glenn Cullen will take – :'''Ollie:''' 24 hours a day? Fuck off. No, we're political advisors, we're not fucking prostitutes. :'''Terri:''' Well, you've spoilt it now. ==Series 4, Episode 1== :''(At the start of this episode, Peter Mannion is headed to the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship -- DoSAC, for short. He is talking on his cell phone to his wife. Today's their wedding anniversary.)'' :'''Peter:''' No, of course I know it's our anniversary. What do you think the card was for? ''(Peter's wife said something to him.)'' I left it on the kitchen table. :''(Peter's wife may not have seen the card.)'' :'''Peter:''' Oh, right. My bad, as they say.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Terri:''' You're a very tidy man, aren't you? :'''Phil:''' 'There's no happiness without order.' It's a Nazi quote, but nonetheless stands the test of time.<hr width="50%" /> :''(We now find out that Peter has a partner at DoSAC in the "Coalition Government.")'' :'''Peter:''' ''(still on his cell phone with his wife.)'' Well, I can't leave before my Coalition partner. Fergus, I told you. (And now, poor Peter's cranky.) Well, I say partner. He's Lewis, I'm Morse. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Peter's partner at DoSAC is Junior MP Fergus Williams. Fergus and his advisor, Adam Kenyon, are proudly getting ready to launch a policy they created, called Silicon Playgrounds.)'' :'''Adam Kenyon:''' I hate to ask, but I've got to ask. Are you ready for today, Fergus? :'''Fergus Williams:''' Yeah. Somewhat. :'''Adam:''' Silicon Playgrounds are -- is -- go. :'''Fergus:''' I just hope Mannion can keep his baccy-stained fingers out of it. :'''Adam:''' Don't worry about Mannion. He's allergic to the 21st century. :'''Fergus:''' Yeah, he didn't like the 20th much and the 19th makes him fart papyrus. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Peter:''' ''(STILL on the phone with his wife...)'' Well, we could celebrate it another time. I mean, technically, and thrillingly, it'll be our anniversary all year! ''(Suddenly, Peter sees the rest of the team coming.)'' Oh, sorry darling, I've gotta go, I think the bailiffs are coming to take away my will to live.<hr width="50%" /> :''(Peter, Fergus, Adam, Phil and Terri join Emma and Stewart in the Meeting Room to discuss Silicon Playgrounds.)'' :'''Stewart:''' Okay, folks, today's headline in Copperplate Gothic Bold, font 72, is: Emma and I broke the fast this a.m. with the PM. :'''Emma:''' And it is a massive yes. So our Silicon Playground initiative is going to be the standard bearer for the Networked Nation. It is a double, double win. :'''Stewart:''' Yes, a double win for both babies of the Coalition, yeah? :'''Emma:''' Absolutely. :'''Stewart:''' (happily) It's "win squared!" :'''Peter:''' Terrific. Right, shall we do a Mexican wave round the table? :'''Fergus:''' From my P.O.V., re all this, big hurrah. We're ready to upload, i.e. let's launch the fucker. :'''Stewart:''' Great, I'm registering your energy, Fergus, but we've decided it's going to be launched by...the Secretary of State for Social Affairs and Citizenship. :''(Fergus and Adam are understandably upset about not being able to launch their policy...but Peter is actually a little MORE upset.)'' :'''Peter:''' (moaning) ''Ohhh...All my gallstones have come at once.'' :'''Fergus:''' Are you fucking serious? :'''Adam:''' What is wrong with you people? Peter can't even right-click a fucking mouse. :'''Phil:''' Well, he can, it's track pads he has a problem with. :'''Adam:''' ''(to Stewart)'' No. No, you come in here like Dr. Robotnik and say, "Oh, I'm sorry." We put in the graft on this. You can't just take it off us. :'''Stewart:''' Oh, I think we can. You see... :'''Emma:''' We can. :'''Stewart:''' You see, Coalition's like a band, guys, yeah, and every band has a frontman. [[Florence and the Machine|He's Florence and you're – well, you're The Machine.]] :''(Then, Glenn Cullen, who's supposed to be on Fergus and Adam's team, enters the meeting room.)'' :'''Glenn:''' ''(cracking a Superman joke)'' Hey! Sorry I'm late, guys. I was just changing in a phone booth. (chuckles to himself) :'''Terri:''' Was that a joke or... :'''Glenn:''' Yeah. No, I was on the phone. ''(to Fergus)'' Hey, Fergus, you look a bit A&E. Everything all right? :'''Fergus:''' No, er, Mannion is announcing Silicon Playgrounds on Stewart's orders. :'''Stewart:''' PM's orders. :'''Glenn:''' What? Hey, hey, hey, hey, hang on a moment. This is demarcation stuff. This is Fourth Sector, right? And I am the Fourth Sector guru. Yeah, I've been on Team Fergus on this, you know, me and the Inbetweeners. :'''Adam:''' The what? The what? Sorry? :'''Emma:''' You know that's what we call you. :'''Stewart:''' That's what they call you. :'''Glenn:''' WE did all the work on this. Us, we're a team, we did it. And now you're going to say we're going to play a new game, pass the parcel, and he gets to unwrap it? (pointing at Peter) I don't think so! This is bollocks, Stewart! :'''Terri:''' Oh, come on, calm down. :'''Glenn:''' Just a second. Bollocks. :'''Terri:''' Glenn, just leave it, leave it. :''(Glenn leaves the meeting room)'' :'''Emma:''' (talking about Glenn) He's seriously going to have a heart attack, look at him. :'''Stewart:''' God, will we cope now? Can we even carry on? :''(Quiet in the room again...)'' :'''Stewart:''' Oh, it doesn't seem to have changed anything. All right, the top line, folks, is this: It's about coalition, remember, yeah? :'''Fergus:''' ''(to Stewart)'' No, this is not about coalition. This is about you nicking our ideas and doing us up the Eurotunnel. :'''Phil:''' Come on. You're basically a couple of homeless guys we've invited to Christmas dinner. Don't bitch because we don't let you carve the turkey. :'''Peter:''' Let me just say it simply for you, Stewart: I don't understand the Networked Nation and the Silicon fucking Playground "gigabits," people watching television on telephones. For what it's worth, I think Fergus should carve this particular turkey. :'''Adam:''' There you go. :'''Stewart:''' Peter, Peter. The Networked Nation is about harnessing the interconnectivity of everyone in society. It's a new way of thinking. Innovation, self-investment, revenue flux, growth, ergo a healthy network. What's so complicated about that? :'''Peter:''' ''(bluntly)'' ''ALL'' the words you just used. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stewart:''' ''(at Peter's office door)'' Ah, Peter. I'm expecting great things! :'''Peter:''' Then you're an idiot. :'''Stewart:''' Laters, legislators. ''(leaves)'' :'''Peter''' ''(looking at Fergus's policy)'': The only way this policy launch could be worse is if I understood the bloody thing. :'''Glenn''' ''(walking in with a file which he dumps on Phil)'': Right, I'm gonna put the old tea-cauldron on! Anybody fancy a brew? :''(They all ignore him. During Emma's line, he gives up and leaves.)'' :'''Emma:''' Peter, risk of sounding like your mum: time for school. You need to get to this meeting. :'''Peter:''' I hate schoolchildren, they're volatile and stupid and they haven't got the vote. Might as well be talking to fucking geese. :'''Phil:''' Well, you know the school's only 10 minutes from your house. You could pop round for a late lunch. :'''Peter:''' Not much of a celebration. "Hello, darling, make me a Cup-a-Soup." Oh, now, I need a thoughtful, very personal present for Tina. Any ideas? :'''Phil:''' Erm, what about a sexy undergarment? :'''Peter:''' (disappointed in Phil's suggestion) No. :'''Emma:''' Perfume. What perfume does she wear? :'''Peter:''' No idea. Expensive, smells a bit of lemons. :'''Terri:''' Peter, before you go, I-I do really need a comment, I'm sorry, on this Tickel protest, please. :'''Peter:''' OK: 'As we enter the third week, I find Mr. Tickle's attention-seeking tent-based twattery even more annoying than weeks one and two.' :'''Terri:''' Can't actually say that. :'''Peter:''' Really? Oh then by implication you know what you can say, so say that instead. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Terri is being called to see Fergus and Adam in Fergus's office.)'' :'''Adam:''' Just to keep you up to speed, Terri, we are going to do a companion launch for Digital Playgrounds tonight at the learning centre at 7 o'clock, all right? :'''Fergus:''' And we just need you to pop a press pack in the Coverley microwave and let us know when you've pinged. :'''Terri:''' Yes, sorry. I don't think I'll be able to get that cleared before 6:00, so that's effectively tomorrow, isn't it? :'''Adam:''' Sorry, Terri, we don't need clearance. We're not covering a Beatles track, we're the fucking Government. :'''Terri:''' Yes, I'm sorry, but I do need to get that through Number 10 before I can do anything. :'''Fergus:''' Uh, was Terri actually in the meeting earlier, Adam? :'''Adam:''' Yeah, she was, Fergus. I know she was there because I heard her humming the theme tune to ''[[wikipedia:Call the Midwife|Call the Midwife]].'' :'''Terri:''' Yes, well, Stewart was very clear about this protocol. It's about the only thing he ever has been clear about. :'''Adam:''' The policy has been agreed. This is just an additional publicity push. :'''Terri:''' Adam, I'm sorry if you think I'm being obstructive, but I cannot -- and I ''will not'' -- do ask you ask. :'''Fergus:''' Well you can't stop me, Terri! OK? I want you to know, YOU CANNOT WIN, [[wikipedia:Nurse_Ratched|NURSE RATCHED]], because this is my moment! Now, you like musicals: well this is [[wikipedia:Tonight_(1956_song)|Tonight]] from West Side Story, yeah? And I'm going to bring the bloody house down, so you can't [[wikipedia:Don't_Rain_on_My_Parade|Rain on my Parade]], [[wikipedia:Funny_Girl_(musical)|Funny Girl]]. Why don't you go and have a lie-down and a [[wikipedia:Hobnob_biscuit|Hobnob]] while we run the fucking country, all right? :'''Terri:''' (unfazed) Anything else? :'''Adam:''' No, don't think so. :''(Fergus is perplexed, Adam is stunned, and Terri gets up to leave...)'' :'''Terri:''' ''(to Fergus)'' Thank you, minister. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Peter, Phil, and Emma are in the car to the policy launch)'' :'''Fergus:''' Does he understand the policy? Forgive my concern, but it's a bit like asking if a dog can grasp the concept of Norway. :'''Terri''' ''(on the phone to Emma)'': We have a question: does he understand the – Oh, she's hung up! Ever the charmless minor royal. :'''Peter:''' And I keep a straight face, do I, when I say to a room full of frogspawn, 'Upload your future'? :'''Emma:''' You know, that sounds great! No pronunciation traps. 'Cause you know what happened to the Chancellor, don't you, at the [[wikipedia:Brit_Awards|BRITs]]? [[wikipedia:Tinie_Tempah|'Tinny' Tempah]]? :'''Phil:''' Well, it could have been worse, I heard he opened his stag do speech with 'my niggaz'. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Peter is at the school making his speech...I Call App Britain!)'' :'''Peter:''' Why is it that Silicon Valley is in America when we have so many net-savvy tech-heads here? They may have the silicon chip, but we have the silicon ''chap''. And of course, chapesses. Er, and we want ''you'' to design game apps for use in the classroom. :'''Emma:''' Sorry, sorry to interrupt: erm, it's not game apps, we're actually looking for educational apps. :'''Peter:''' Er, of course. That's why I'm here to say: I call you up. App. I, I Call App Britain. Yes. And everyone will benefit, not financially, er, not cash in hand, of course: all profits will be stored as part of a digital dividend, which – :'''Raj:''' 'Scuse me, are you saying that if I wrote an app I wouldn't get any money for it? I would be working for free? :'''Peter:''' If you don't mind we'll keep the Q&A to the end. What I wanted to emphasise – :'''Charlotte:''' Sorry, er, why can't you just answer him now? :'''Teacher:''' Charlotte. :'''Charlotte:''' Well, the other lady was allowed to interrupt. :'''Peter:''' Yes, but she's ''my'' lady. ''(everyone laughs except Emma)'' Er, what was your question again? :'''Raj:''' Why won't we profit from this? :'''Peter:''' Oh, but you would! Er, maybe I didn't explain it properly. What's your name? :'''Raj:''' Rajesh. :'''Peter:''' I'm sorry? :'''Raj:''' Rajesh, Raj. :'''Peter:''' Well, er, Rajesh Raj – ''(the students laugh)'' Oh, right. ''(chuckles)'' Well, er, what I, what I wanted to say is that, that you ''would'', er, profit, that any profits you made would be offset against [[wikipedia:Tuition_fees_in_the_United_Kingdom|tuition fees]] – :'''Charlotte:''' Sorry, we don't believe in tuition fees. :'''Peter:''' Well, erm, what's your – :'''Charlotte:''' Charlotte. :'''Peter:''' Oh, well, that's an easier one. :'''Emma''' ''(to Phil)'': Fuck me, I feel like I've just been pushed out of a plane. :'''Raj:''' I make apps. I sell them through Apple and I get paid for it. :'''Peter:''' Good for you, Ra– er, good for you, but with ''us'', you let us license it as part of the Networked Nation policy. We all put in, you see – :'''Raj:''' What do you put into the Networked Nation? :'''Peter:''' Well, er, I am – a Minister. :'''Raj:''' But what do you actually do? :'''Peter:''' I take the, the – science that, that you made earlier, and I – ''apply'' it, in – scenarios that are – cost-effective. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Peter:''' Well at least I got 'I Call App Britain' right. :'''Phil:''' Thankfully with only a modicum of the contempt you used just now. :'''Emma:''' 'Hooray, you got the title right! Let's get the driver to do some victory doughnuts.' You're gonna have to issue an apology, you know. :'''Peter:''' I'm not going back there and saying, 'Oh, that moment when I mistook an abbreviation of your name for your surname: sorry.' I'll look completely mental. :'''Phil:''' You can't apologise for a fart you did a day ago. :'''Emma:''' No, you're gonna have to apologise for the follow-up as well. 'Charlotte, that's an easier name.' :'''Peter:''' ''But it is!'' That's a fact, not a judgement!<hr width="50%" /> :''(And now, Peter finds himself being confronted by a big crowd of reporters and journalists -- outside his own home!)'' :'''Female Reporter #1:''' Minister, why are you at home in the middle of a working day? :'''Peter:''' Um, it's-it's my 30th anniversary and I popped home for lunch after the Silicon Playgrounds launch, which is literally around the corner, and I'll be staying late to make up for it. :'''Female Reporter #1:''' Are you turning schools into teenage sweatshops? :'''Peter:''' I-I'm sorry if this is proving a complex idea. Pupils will receive a digital dividend towards their higher education fees. :'''Female Reporter #2:''' The dividend is optional, though, you can get cash instead? :'''Peter:''' No, you can't, I'm sorry... :'''Female Reporter #2:''' You can according to your Junior Minister. :'''Peter:''' I see. :'''Male Reporter:''' Minister, do you think you came across this morning as a "fibre-optic Fagan?" :'''Peter:''' That's a ridiculous phrase. :'''Male Reporter:''' Well, that, again, is a quote from your Junior Minister. :''(Peter's socially embarrassing predicament continues...)'' :'''Female Reporter #1:''' Minister, is, um, that a bottle of champagne? :'''Male Reporter:''' Drinking on the job, minister? :'''Peter:''' It's a half bottle. Um, as I said, it is my anniversary and I have just recycled it. Er, thank you. Bye. :''(Peter gets into his car.)'' :'''Peter:''' ''(to his driver)'' Run those fuckers over. Fifty quid for every one you maim. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Peter''' ''(shouting at Fergus on his return to DoSAC)'': Thanks a fucking bunch, mate! I couldn't have looked more of a twat, unless I'd announced it dressed as a mermaid with scallops on my tits! :'''Fergus:''' Look, I'm angry, too, Peter. I spent a lot of time on that policy that you just raped in a ditch. :'''Peter:''' Well, it was your stupid idea in the first place. :'''Fergus:''' What are your ideas, Peter? Come on, we'd all love to hear them! A public information film on the best wine to have with fish? A butler on every street corner? :'''Peter:''' This is a long game, Fergus. And I've been around a lot longer than you, Fergus, and I'll still be here when they rip your name off your door and turn your office back into something useful, like a spare toilet! :''(Stewart, from out of nowhere, enters the fight.)'' :'''Stewart:''' BOTH OF YOU DESIST! You have caused me to raise my voice and I do not like it. I reserve this level of anger for when I'm flying Ryanair. Peter's Palace! NOW! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stewart:''' ''(to Peter)'' Drinking champagne in the middle of the day during a recession. Who do you think you are, [[wikipedia:Sean_Combs|P. Diddy]]? :'''Peter:''' It was a half-bottle, on my thirtieth anniversary, ''and'' I was recycling it; at least give me credit for that! :'''Stewart:''' Oh right, no, sorry Peter, yeah, I take it all back. About as strong a defence as 'the fertiliser in my homemade bomb was organic.' What have you got planned for this evening, dancing girls on a yacht? :'''Peter:''' Garage, car, hosepipe. :'''Stewart:''' Oh, good, the anniversary present your wife's been dreaming of. ''(to Fergus)'' And Fergus, what about you? :'''Fergus:''' Well, I'm launching Silicon Playgrounds, properly this time, tonight at a learning centre. :'''Stewart:''' Yeah, something you didn't clear through me. According to Terri Coverley, you announced this before Peter took his daily "gaffe dump." What was the word I used this morning? :'''Peter:''' Oh, you used a lot of words this morning, it was like a fucking [[Will Self]] lecture. :'''Stewart:''' What was the word I used? :'''Fergus:''' Coalition? :'''Stewart:''' BOOM! So you ''will'' go to the learning centre where you will re-explain Silicon Playgrounds ''with Peter'', who will make an abject grovelling apology for being both a digi-tard and an elderly racist! :'''Fergus:''' So first you take the policy away from me for Peter to screw up, then you take ''salvaging'' the policy away from me for Peter to screw up! Good, yeah, that's just great! :'''Peter:''' I'm bored of this! I'm going for a Twix! ''(leaves)'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Peter''' ''(storming out of his office)'': She's NOT on the FUCKING ''LIST!'' ''(enters Fergus's office)'' Will you please tell me why Terri Coverley is not on this list? :'''Fergus:''' Sorry Peter, she's too expensive to get rid of. :'''Peter:''' Oh Christ, Fergus, we both know she's a fart in a frock and I want her wafted out of here. :'''Fergus''' ''(smiling)'': My hands are tied. :'''Peter:''' Fuck you! You're not getting in MY car tonight! ''(leaves)'' :'''Glenn:''' What a very principled stand you're taking. :'''Fergus:''' Yep, but did you see how stressed Mannion was there? Soon he'll be so weak and disorientated he'll stagger off in the night like a tramp who's stood up too quickly. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Peter''' ''(on the phone with his wife)'': No, I don't think today is our entire marriage in a nutshell. Well, we had champagne, and your sister wasn't there.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Phil''' ''(to Adam)'': You're getting a coffwee: coffee with wee in it. <hr width="50%"/> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Peter''' ''(on the phone to his wife)'': Champagne looks bad, PR-wise. I might as well be seen urinating through the letterbox of a closed-down library.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Terri:''' Right, I'd better get on. Sometimes I think I never stop working. :'''Phil:''' You leave at 5:40! :'''Terri:''' One last thing. :'''Phil:''' Yes, [[Columbo]]? :'''Terri:''' The staff cuts. What do you know? :'''Phil:''' Ah, I see, that's what this whole chat's been about, has it, mental pickpocketing? :'''Terri:''' You see, you don't need to tell me: I'll just list off a few names. You do that girly flicky thing with your hair, OK? :'''Phil:''' Bye, Terri. :'''Terri:''' Was that it, was that code? Am I going? :'''Phil:''' No, I'm telling you to fuck off.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Raj:''' What do you actually do? :''(quiet laughter from the students)'' :'''Peter:''' I am the, er, Secretary of State for Social Affairs a-and Citizenship. :'''Phil:''' It's a bit like being the Lord Commander of the [[wikipedia:List_of_A_Song_of_Ice_and_Fire_characters#Night's_Watch_and_wildlings|Night's Watch]]? Er, you watch Game of Thrones, yeah? :'''Raj:''' This is bullshit! :''(the students laugh)'' :'''Teacher:''' Hey, quiet now – quiet! Raj, that language is unacceptable, OK? :'''Peter:''' I'll say, you – you wouldn't use that kind of language in front of your extended family. :'''Students''' ''(shocked)'': Oh! :'''Emma:''' Oh my good God, I cannot believe childbirth is more painful than this.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Adam:''' We have to distance ourself from this ''now''. :'''Fergus:''' Right, OK, I'll call Terri and get her up to speed. :'''Adam:''' Terri is never up to speed. She's stuck in neutral in a fucking rainy car park listening to [[wikipedia:Ken_Bruce|Ken Bruce]]. :'''Glenn''' ''(on his phone)'': Who told you I was the guru? Terri Coverley, right, thank you. Well, I am the guru of the policy, but I'm not the guru of the colossal gang of [[wikipedia:Henry_(vacuum)|Henrys]] who tried to explain it just now.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Peter''' ''(to Raj)'': Yes, well, for you, App-ortunity Knocks. :'''Fergus''' ''(to Raj, quietly)'': It's [[wikipedia:Opportunity_Knocks_(UK_TV_series)|a show]], it's like [[wikipedia:Britain's_Got_Talent|Britain's Got Talent]], from his era. ==Series 4, Episode 2== :'''Ollie:''' Right, sorry to interrupt you at this very sad time, but we do have [[wikipedia:Prime_Minister's_Questions|Prime Minister's Questions]] in ''one hour''. :'''Nicola:''' No it's fine, I've got the lead question, I've got the follow-up sarcastic question and I've got the withering put-down, so I'm prepped, I'm fucking prepped. :'''Ollie:''' Yep. You'll walk rings round him.<hr width="50%" />'''Ben:''' The Leader of the Opposition is in that room, Malcolm, practising ''walking''. I mean, baby horses can walk from the womb, she's one-nil down to a pony. :'''Malcolm:''' A pony isn't a baby horse, it's a foal, a fucking foal is a baby horse. :'''Ben:''' Right, our guest tonight on 'I Don't Give a Fuck about Baby Horses' is me. But we need to do something about Nicola, Malcolm, I mean, you know about her plan – I mean, Nicola with a plan, that's like a toddler with a harpoon, there's a toddler wandering around in that office with a harpoon. :'''Malcolm:''' Yes, well, don't you worry about Nicola's plan. I'll deal with that, Sweaty Betty – Listen, when you wake up in the morning you've got a routine, haven't you? :'''Ben:''' Big shit, granola, check the email, shower and a shave, [[wikipedia:Nespresso|Nespresso]], sometimes a second shit. :'''Malcolm:''' Exactly. You have a plan: that's good. Nicola has a plan: that's not good. But I have a plan: that's fucking great.<hr width="50%" />'''Malcolm''' ''(seeing Nicola bend down in front of the photocopier)'': Oh, that's very moving: '[[wikipedia:Ode_of_Remembrance|They shall not grow old]], who photocopy their arses at the Christmas do'.<hr width="50%" /> :''(Nicola and her advisers, Ollie Reeder & Helen Hatley, are brainstorming ideas for a buzzword for do-gooder members of the public.)'' :'''Ollie:''' They're commuters, they are the street-pounders, street – walkers, um – :'''Nicola:''' You can't call them streetwalkers. :'''Ollie:''' They're the people who deal with the little stuff, erm – [[wikipedia:The_Wombles|Wombles]], Honest Wombles, Everyday Wombles? :'''Malcolm:''' Sorry, I've just got to take a call. :'''Nicola:''' Erm, straights. :'''Ollie:''' No! :'''Nicola:''' No. No, of course, sorry. :'''Helen Hatley:''' Commuting champions. :'''Nicola:''' Interrai– human [[wikipedia:Interrail|interrailers]] – :'''Ollie:''' Human interrailers? That's interrailers. Er, everyday superstars, all British supremes – :'''Malcolm:''' That sounds like a racist tribute band. :'''Nicola:''' Ordinary people, with something special about them, with a special power. :'''Ollie:''' Please don't say special. Don't say special. :'''Nicola:''' No but – you know, but like sup– people as superheroes. :'''Ollie:''' Ironpeople, Spiderpeople. Wolfpeople. :'''Nicola:''' They're just regular citizens, but they have this – that one special quality that makes them like Batman, or Batpeople. Erm, ''Quiet'' Batpeople. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(glaring)'' Quiet Batpeople? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' She's going to have to fall on her sword, which means that we are gonna have to stick one in the ground, trip her up onto it and get somebody to jump up and down on her back for ten minutes. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' Reshuffle: don’t send Ben to the back-benches, he’ll just wank and eat Pringles, leather seats are an invitation to men like him. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nicola:''' Before we finish, I just want to throw one more pebble into the thought pool. :'''Ben:''' Ploop. :'''Nicola:''' Sorry Ben, I missed that? :'''Ben:''' Just I'm sorry, I just, I said 'ploop', it's just the noise of a pebble.<hr width="50%" /> :''(A photographer has managed to take a picture of Helen's 'Quiet Batpeople' notes)'' :'''Nicola:''' "Quiet Batpeople" on every fucking paper! :'''Malcolm:''' Right, this is a wake-up call. And by the way, Helen, the next time you want to make Nicola look like a clown with her fucking hair on fire in a Zumba class, why don't you just take your notes down to [[wikipedia:Snappy_Snaps|Snappy Snaps]] and get them blown up to gigantic charity cheque size, so the partially sighted can be in on the fucking gag? :'''Helen:''' I didn't know they'd be able to see it! :'''Malcolm:''' So we have to seize the agenda. We have to deflect attention away from all this. It's now time to embrace our friend Mr. Tickle. :'''Nicola:''' I can't even say his name without smiling. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, well, ''he's'' not smiling, is he? He's living in a tent, 'cause his key-worker housing's been sold off. :'''Malcolm:''' Yes, and he's a 24-carat fucking nutcase. Which means that Peter Mannion has been picking on a man with a history of depression. That's a way right into the Principality of Pricks right there. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' It's time for you to step up, Ollie. What's that film that you love? :'''Ollie:''' What film? :'''Malcolm:''' The one about the fucking hairdresser, the [[wikipedia:Luke_Skywalker|space hairdresser]] and the [[wikipedia:Han_Solo|cowboy]]. The guy, he's got a [[wikipedia:C-3PO|tin foil pal]] and a [[wikipedia:R2-D2|pedal bin]]. [[wikipedia:Darth_Vader|His father]]'s a robot and he's fucking fucked [[wikipedia:Princess_Leia|his sister]]. Lego! They're all made of fucking Lego. :'''Ollie:''' Star Wars? :'''Malcolm:''' That's the one, right. It's like that, okay? Where you fucking kill all the bad guys, and you'll be able to blow up the big – :'''Ollie:''' Death Star. :'''Malcolm:''' The Death Star thing. Then you can go and live happily ever after on the planet of the teddy bears. :'''Ollie:''' They're Ewoks, they're Ewoks. It's a fantastic analogy, well done. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ben:''' Malcolm, could I have a couple of words please? :'''Malcolm:''' Political lightweight? Making up the numbers? Sorry that's four isn't it? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dan:''' So, your loyalty to Nicola is – :'''Malcolm:''' Unwavering. Right up to the point that – :'''Dan:''' Someone challenges her? :'''Malcolm:''' Not necessary: she's going to kick her own head in, which will be easy for her because she does yoga. No, we just need somebody to hold her jacket while she commits political hara-kiri, and sweep in unopposed, being careful not to tread in the mess. :'''Dan:''' So you think – I should challenge her? :'''Malcolm:''' What the fuck is this, Tinker Tailor Soldier Cunt? Do you, or do you not, want to be the next leader of this party? :'''Dan:''' Yes. :'''Malcolm:''' Right, well, she needs to fuck off in eight months, so it looks like we're giving her a chance. I will teach you the way of tears and love, my friend; now, let's get out of this fucking cupboard before Ben Swain comes in for his lunchtime wank. <hr width="50%" /> :'''Malcolm''' ''(putting his glasses on to read Ollie's phone)'': What is this tiny font? Is it to match your subatomic thoughts? <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm and Ben, and separately Ollie and Helen, are watching Nicola at the [[wikipedia:Remembrance_Sunday#National_ceremony_in_the_United_Kingdom|Remembrance Sunday ceremony]] on TV)'' :'''Malcolm:''' You're right, she can't fucking walk. :'''Ben:''' I mean, should we get a pony to challenge her? :'''Malcolm:''' It's not a fucking pony, it's a fucking foal. :'''Ben:''' Sorry. :'''Helen:''' I don't understand how you can get that wrong. :'''Ollie:''' It's this: ''(demonstrates)'' de-de-clunk! :'''Helen:''' She is officially a [[wikipedia:The_Cenotaph,_Whitehall|Ceno]]-twat. :'''Ollie:''' Fabulous work, sister. Bury her in a grave. [[wikipedia:The_Unknown_Warrior|The Unknown Leader]]. :'''Helen:''' I can't watch: I feel a bit sick. :'''Ollie:''' I just hope there is no afterlife, because if people fought and died for this, it is going to seem even more ridiculously futile. :'''Ben''' ''(to Malcolm)'': Why d'you know so much about horses, anyway? I thought you were raised by wolves.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :''(during the Quiet Batpeople brainstorming)'' :'''Ollie:''' Wombles, Honest Wombles, Everyday Wombles? :'''Helen:''' Right, OK, obviously, you know, we're not gonna block anything 'cause this is a think-thoughting session, erm – :'''Malcolm:''' Sorry, I've just got to take a call. :'''Ollie:''' Think-thoughting, Helen, is what we call, in the real world, thinking. It's the same. Am I say-speaking out of turn? Have I not understood-comprehended you? :'''Helen:''' I don't know, I tuned you out a bit.<hr width="50%" />''(deleted scene)'' :'''Ollie:''' Hiya, I thought you were bollocking Dan Miller. :'''Malcolm:''' Oh, I am. ''(to the empty chair next to him)'' Look at you! You bourgeois, fucking side-parted twat, you flap that bammed-up nutcrease of yours again, and I will fuck you so deep, that if you're not drowned in the blizzard of jizz, your rectum will become the biggest fucking indoor venue in fucking Europe. :'''Ollie:''' Are you OK? :'''Malcolm:''' Sit down.<hr width="50%" />''(deleted scene)'' :'''Malcolm''' ''(to Ollie)'': This is [[wikipedia:Infinite_monkey_theorem|monkey typewriter]] stuff. There's not even a fucking infinite amount of monkeys with an infinite amount of time with an infinite amount of typewriters that'll produce the words, 'Nicola Murray, PM'.<hr width="50%" />''(deleted scene)'' :'''Ben:''' How do you know so much about horses, anyway? I thought you were raised by wolves. :'''Malcolm:''' I don't know anything about horses, apart from that a grown-up one's a fucking horse and a baby one's a foal. And why are you eating my biscuits? :'''Ben:''' I don't know, I found them on here. There's one left. :'''Malcolm:''' They are big wreaths. :'''Ben:''' It's like a toilet seat, isn't it? I mean, it's not, it's lovely. :'''Malcolm:''' What size of a wreath would you need for a nuclear war? :'''Ben:''' There wouldn't be anyone left to put it on the Cenotaph, would there? It'd be carried along by cockroaches or whatever it is they say'll survive. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. ==Series 4, Episode 3== :''(Peter, Emma and Stewart are in the car, on the way to Thought Camp...and ALL 3 of them are on their cell phones. Stewart is talking to a Minister, Emma is talking to Phil, and Peter is talking to his wife. )'' :'''Peter:''' I was picked up at seven, of course I haven't walked the dog. I barely had time to take myself for a shit. :'''Emma:''' Phil, I'm sure you're suffering from "Peter Withdrawal" symptoms, but I really, really need you to keep an eye of the Ticket issue. :'''Stewart:''' Thought Camp ETA 13 minutes, okay? You're taking the bridge, Kieran. :'''Emma:''' Okay, well, you can start by not referring to him as Gyppo. ''Or'' Gypsy, Phil. It's not, it's not the abbreviation that's the problem. :'''Peter:''' If he has a thorn in his paw, it must be from when you took him for a walk yesterday. :'''Emma:''' What do you mean, "You're in charge?" You are not in fucking charge, you doughnut! :'''Stewart:''' Of course you're gonna keep me informed, I want the full crunch on all the feeds, as usual. Everything below the equator. :'''Peter:''' Take him to the dog hospital. (Peter's wife thinks he's being sarcastic.) No, I'm not being sarcastic! There is one! :'''Emma:''' Try and keep an eye on things, all right? :'''Peter:''' The number will be in the folder. The folder. What? (Peter sighs as he realizes he has lost the connection.) :''(Now, all 3 members of Team Mannion are off their cell phones.)'' :'''Peter:''' Where are you taking us, Stewart? This Mind Kampf is in the middle of nowhere. :'''Stewart:''' Thought Camp, Peter, and isolation is the mother of renewal. We shall retreat to go forwards. :'''Emma:''' Terrible signal! Phil sounded like he was phoning in a report on an African coup. :'''Stewart:''' Why's he even gone in today? :'''Peter:''' I put him on Tickel oversight. :'''Stewart:''' Oh, the eviction. :'''Peter:''' Well, cutting the guy ropes on his tent is hardly the Siege of Troy. :'''Emma:''' Bailiffs thought it would be easier today, quicker or quieter. :'''Stewart:''' Yeah, but I want Phil sealed off, right? He makes no statement today, not even off the record. :'''Peter:''' He wanted to feel useful. :'''Stewart:''' Then he should sell his organs. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Glenn and Phil are alone in the DoSAC building.)'' :'''Glenn:''' Yeah, well, we've got the whole palace to ourselves, eh? [[wikipedia:Rosencrantz_and_Guildenstern|Rosencrantz and Guildenstern]]! :'''Phil:''' Yeah, but [[wikipedia:Rosencrantz_and_Guildenstern_Are_Dead|very much alive]]. Well, one of us.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Stewart''' ''(to party staff arriving at Thought Camp)'': OK people, abandon phones, all ye who enter here. And watches too: time is a leash on the dog of ideas.<hr width="50%" />'''Stewart:''' OK lovely people, let's go truffling in the forest of knowledge. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stewart:''' OK people, I'd like to start this session with a question: when is a party not a party? :'''Peter:''' When it's at your house? :''(quiet laughter)'' :'''Emma''' ''(quietly, annoyed)'': Peter! :'''Stewart:''' A party is not a party when it is plural. ''(brings up a slide of a woman on her phone in a crowd)'' There she is, the party, singular: she thinks like you, she votes like you, she is ''not'' you, and yet of course, she ''is'' you. :'''Peter''' ''(to himself, sighing)'': I feel like I've joined the Scientologists. :'''Stewart:''' Some of these people want a federal Britain, others don't. And as long as we continue to do nothing, we can call that "consensus." :'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' Why am I the only senior minister here? Is JB punishing me? :'''Emma:''' Look, Mary Drake's here, Home Office. :''(Peter and Emma nod hello to Mary.)'' :'''Emma:''' ''(to Peter)'' And yes, JB is punishing you. :'''Stewart:''' OK, let's [[wikipedia:Michael_McIntyre|McIntyre]] this: stand up. Let's find out, in fact, chairs to the side, please. :'''Peter:''' Great, vague prancing about. :'''Mary Drake:''' Isn't that one of the fundamental principles of democracy? :'''Stewart:''' ''(to Peter)'' Oh, I'm sorry, Peter, you want to share your thoughts? :'''Peter:''' Hmm? No, we just hoped we were going to do some dancing, er, Stewart. What, Merce Cunningham, something like that? :'''Stewart:''' Okay, maybe later you can share it with us. But first of all, let me share something with you. How about this, Silicon Playgrounds, yeah? What caused this slow-motion pile up? Shall we sit down and chew over "hash-tag epic fail?" Or shall we try and get some solutions on their feet? That's it, just put it at the side, Peter. <hr width="50%" /> :''(Glenn is bringing a tray of coffee and biscuits into Fergus's office.)'' :'''Adam:''' Glenn, you're a marvel, you know, you're like a modern-day [[wikipedia:Jeeves|Jeeves]]. Only not modern. Day. You're like Jeeves, but only not as good. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Fergus is bringing Tara Strachan, a strikingly beautiful economist, to DoSAC HQ.)'' :'''Fergus:''' ''(to Tara)'' Here we are, at the Coalface. ''(to Adam)'' Ah. Adam, this is Tara Strachan. :'''Adam:''' ''(to Tara)'' Hello, lovely to meet you. :'''Tara Strachan:''' Hi there. :'''Adam:''' Really lovely, lovely. :'''Fergus:''' Shall we, er...She's an economist... :'''Adam:''' Real pleasure, actually. :'''Fergus:''' ...and a lady. :'''Adam:''' Yes, obviously. Lovely. :''(Fergus and Adam are quite happy to see Tara. Phil, on the other hand, is a little confused.)'' :'''Phil:''' What's going on? Who's the skirt? :'''Adam:''' Oh, I'd love to bring you up to speed, Phil. I really would, but I'm not gonna live long enough. So tell you what, why don't you go and help Glenn watch his telly? I think the dancing's on in a minute. :'''Fergus:''' ''(to Tara)'' I really like your coat, by the way. :'''Tara:''' (quite flattered) Thank you. Thank you. :'''Fergus:''' It's like a leopard. :'''Tara:''' It is a little bit. :'''Fergus:''' Or a cheetah. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Tara is sharing her idea for micro banking with Fergus and Adam.)'' :'''Tara:''' The beauty of this model... :'''Fergus:''' Yeah. :'''Tara:''' ...um, is that micro banking can happen anywhere, okay? :'''Fergus:''' Great. :'''Tara:''' Small, low-interest loans, that's the way forward. :'''Adam:''' This is terrific. I mean, it's so fucking us, it's brilliant. :'''Fergus:''' (trying to calm Adam down) Adam, Adam. :'''Adam:''' Ah. :'''Tara:''' Oh, don't worry, I don't mind swearing. Shows passion. I've done some community enterprise case studies. Sisters who want to set up a pop-up baker's in a disused travel agents, the boiler guy who wants to take on an apprentice. :'''Adam:''' Yeah. :'''Fergus:''' The helping hand for hands-on people. :'''Tara:''' Yeah. :'''Adam:''' I like that, that's great. That's really good. :'''Fergus:''' Making sure the can-doers don't get canned. :'''Adam:''' Terrific. Yeah, really good. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Meanwhile, at Thought Camp, Peter is playing a "mind game." He has a Post-It note stuck to his head with a political issue written on it, and he has to guess what it is. He needs Mary Drake's help.)'' :'''Peter:''' Would I be comfortable or uncomfortable... :'''Stewart:''' Yes or no questions only, please, Peter. :'''Peter:''' Would I be uncomfortable talking to Andrew Marr about this concept on the television? :'''Mary:''' Yes. :'''Peter:''' Am I Diversity? :'''Mary:''' No. :'''Stewart:''' You're out of questions, Peter. :''(Peter finally takes the Post-It note off his head -- and then gets REALLY upset.)'' :'''Peter:''' Oh, for fuck's sake! Inclusivity's practically the same as Diversity! :'''Mary:''' ''(chuckles)'' No it's not. :'''Stewart:''' No it isn't, Peter. :'''Peter:''' I could be at home watching the snooker with a bottle of unpronounceable scotch. Can I sit down now? ''(Peter sits down)'' I'm sitting down, I don't care. :'''Stewart:''' Actually, we can all sit down now. Thanks, Peter. Um, so take a chair 'cause Emma's going to co-steer module four with me. We're gonna do a kind of Top Trumps stats check on the PM's future enemies, yeah? Strengths, weaknesses, blocking moves and take-downs. Em. :'''Emma:''' Great. Thank you, Stewart. :'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' You've turned into the wrong Mitford sister. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Meanwhile, back at DoSAC HQ, the Banking Brainstorm continues...)'' :'''Tara:''' Basically, we'd set up a network of microcredit lenders at neighborhood level. :'''Adam:''' This is great. So what would it be called? Like the Citizen's Bank, or... :'''Fergus:''' The People's Bank? :'''Tara:''' Um, Community... :'''Fergus:''' The Credit Fund? ''(correcting himself)'' No, no, credit's a bad word. :'''Adam:''' Negative. Something, something with "Advance..." :'''Fergus:''' The We Bank? :'''Tara:''' The We Bank. :'''Adam:''' I like that. :'''Fergus:''' Although it does sound a bit like a...sperm bank. But for wee. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Glenn is reporting the latest Tickel Watch news to Phil.)'' :'''Glenn:''' There's a bit of a farce going on here with your Mr. Tickle. They've turned up to evict him and he's not there. :'''Phil:''' Good. Self-evicted. Gone. Problem solved. Anyway, what's going on with Fergus and Adam and the "Sexy Stranger?" She's some kind of economist, apparently. :'''Glenn:''' Oh, don't be ridiculous, she's far too attractive. :'''Phil:''' You can get sexy economists. What about Stephanie Flanders on ''Newsnight?'' :'''Glenn:''' Yeah, that's true. I quite like Emily Maitlis. :'''Phil:''' Really? Well, I'm sure she'd love a grey pounding. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tara:''' Do you want to have an "ideagasm?" :'''Adam:''' ''(very much turned on)'' Yes, please. :'''Tara:''' Ask me how we'd initially fund this. :'''Fergus & Adam:''' How would we initially fund this? :'''Tara:''' A one-off Robin Hood tax. Steal from the fat cats, raise enough seed capital for hundreds of start-up funds for fledgling businesses. :'''Adam:''' You know what? This could work really well for us. This, this is, yeah. :'''Tara:''' Yeah? :'''Adam:''' I mean, let's just talk, uh, figures. What sort of start-up capital are we talking here? :'''Tara:''' Not very much. I think we're looking at about £2 billion. :'''Fergus:''' £2 billion? :'''Tara:''' £2 billion. :'''Fergus:''' Good. Well, um...I mean, obviously, I'd have to ring the Treasury. :'''Tara:''' Sure. :'''Fergus:''' And twist a few arms. You know, it'll take a couple of weeks to work up, but we are extremely keen to set that process in motion. :''(Stewart and his team are discussing potential new Leaders of the Opposition at Thought Camp.)'' :'''Stewart:''' OK, let's architecturalise this, yeah? :'''Peter:''' Oh, don't bother. If it's Ben Swain, we all shout ''Sweaty Swain'' as he dehydrates himself through PMQs. Holhurst looks like a shepherd dressed up to meet the Queen, and if it's Dan Miller we're fucked.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Tara:''' I should tell you I do also have a meeting with Dan Miller booked in. :'''Adam:''' ''(suddenly concerned)'' What? I would just knock that right on the head. Don't -- don't do it. :'''Fergus:''' Well... ''(awkward laughter from all 3 people)'' He's in opposition. We rule. :'''Adam:''' We're the rulers, we're the governors. :'''Fergus:''' And, you know, in the end...this is so fucking us. :'''Adam:''' Fuck yeah! :'''Fergus:''' Yeah. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Phil's looking up Tara Strachan's bio on his cell phone.)'' :'''Phil:''' Here, uh, "Tara Strachan, LSE, Harvard, author of ''Strapped: Why We're in Debt to Each Other,'' ''Small is Bountiful,'' Expert in micro-financing and community credit guilds." God, that sounds dreary. :'''Glenn:''' Bloody hell, that's all Fourth Sector stuff! I mean, why have they kept me out here like a stray dog? :'''Phil:''' And why are they keeping Mannion out of it? This is-this is government business! :''(Phil suddenly realizes that Adam and Fergus are working on a policy behind Peter's back. Phil runs to Fergus's office.)'' :'''Phil:''' Right, that's enough. Stop, stop, stop! I demand an explanation. :'''Adam:''' Sorry, Phil, we're busy. Maybe come back in, I don't know, 2017? :'''Phil:''' As Peter's representative, it's as though you lied to him. That's not good, probably illegal. :'''Adam:''' If you want to see something probably illegal, pass me that fucking stapler over there! :'''Tara:''' Er, listen, is there a problem with me being here? :'''Fergus:''' Not at all. :'''Phil:''' Yes, you're not supposed to be here, the minister is unaware that you're here, so I'm gonna have to ask you to leave. :'''Adam:''' Oh right, so she's a security risk? Oh no no no! I'd forgotten: you're not allowed within 50 feet of most women. :'''Phil:''' How do you explain this, then? ''(waves his arm in and out of Adam's personal space)'' I'm within 50 feet of you. Hahaha. ''You're'' a woman. :'''Adam:''' Oh, brilliant. That is really good. :''(They stop bickering when they hear Glenn)'' :'''Glenn''': ''(offscreen)'' FUCK! TICKLE'S DEAD! :'''Phil:''' Oh shit...! :'''Adam:''' Jesus...! :''(Phil, Fergus and Adam run to the TV, where Glenn is watching [[wikipedia:BBC_News_(TV_channel)|BBC News]])'' :'''Glenn:''' Oh God, he's killed himself, suicide. He used a car exhaust. :'''Phil:''' Hey, classic: the Bohemian Rhapsody of suicide. :'''Glenn:''' Oh, Phil, for fuck's sake! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Adam doesn't like the way that Phil is handling the latest DoSAC crisis -- to say the least.)'' :'''Adam:''' It's like there's a little twelve-year-old boy, in a suit, with a fucking light saber in his desk - don't think I don't know it's there - running this department when Mannion's away... :'''Phil:''' Yeah, so what? :'''Adam:''' It's a fucking joke! :'''Phil:''' No it's not! No it's not! Have you ever seen ''Game of Thrones'' Season 2? :'''Adam:''' No! :'''Phil:''' Or Anakin Skywalker, he was young. Frodo, in his thirties, still young for a hobbit. You know, I'm in charge, because I'm a Jedi and you're a fucking Ewok! :'''Glenn:''' Right. What is the Ewok position on this, then? <hr width="50%"/> :''(Fergus, Adam, Glenn and Phil are trying to get a handle on the news of Mr. Tickel's suicide.)'' :'''Phil:''' The line from Stewart via Emma was that I do nothing. That was the one clear instruction they gave me, okay? We ignore him and he goes away. :'''Fergus:''' He is dead. :'''Phil:''' Which makes him easier to ignore. :'''Fergus:''' As a minister, I should at least express condolences. :'''Phil:''' ''(stammering)'' That-that-that should come from Peter. :'''Fergus:''' But he's not here. I am. :''(Terri enters the room.)'' :'''Terri:''' Has anyone seen my Bluetooth headset? :'''Phil:''' Look, I speak for Peter and I say that we look guilty if we say we're sorry he died. :'''Terri:''' I'll take that as a no. :'''Adam:''' Listen, Phil. I was a journalist, okay? Now if you don't respond, you create a vacuum that sucks in speculation, and then you can't respond. You get sucked fucking inside-out! :'''Phil:''' Look, Tickle wasn't the Queen of People's Hearts, he was a twat in a tent. :'''Glenn:''' TICK-EL! HE WAS CALLED TICK-EL! WE DROVE A MAN TO HIS DEATH! WE ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Fergus and Adam FINALLY come back to see Tara to tell her the good news about launching the bank.)'' :'''Fergus:''' Great stuff, Tara. We're gonna go ahead with the bank. :'''Adam:''' Yeah, meeting's over. :'''Tara:''' ''(surprised)'' Don't you need to talk to the Treasury? :'''Fergus:''' We've done that. :'''Tara:''' Okay, Well, um, let's talk details. When it comes to interest rates, obviously you've got... :'''Adam:''' ''(jokingly)'' Well, hey, you know, don't talk us out of it. You don't wanna do that. :'''Tara:''' ''(smiling)'' So, is-is this the green light? :'''Fergus:''' Uh-huh! Yep! £2 billion! :'''Tara:''' Oh my God! :''(An overjoyed Tara gives both Fergus and Adam a hug, much to their surprise!)'' :'''Tara:''' We'll be in touch! :'''Fergus & Adam:''' Thank you. :'''Tara:''' Thank you. :'''Fergus:''' ''(to Tara, walking her to the elevator)'' Lovely to meet you, great. :''(Phil is wondering what policy Fergus, Adam, and Tara have just launched...)'' :'''Phil:''' What have we just green-lit? :'''Adam:''' Well, we are starting a community bank with £2 billion. :'''Phil:''' Right, is that the £2 billion we keep in the biscuit tin? :'''Glenn:''' This is just great. This is just fucking great. I hang around this moral abattoir to do something exactly like this and you shut me out? :'''Terri:''' So, I'm spending my bank holiday founding a bank? I thought the point about bank holidays is that they're supposed to be shut. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Fergus is still talking to Tara while walking her to the elevator. They're still excited about the bank.)'' :'''Fergus:''' You know, when we see something we like, we just buy it. :'''Tara:''' Oh, wow. :'''Fergus:''' That's the way we work round here. :'''Tara:''' I hope the Tickel, um...situation is all okay. :'''Fergus:''' Uh, well, it'll be fine. :'''Tara:''' Thank you. :'''Fergus:''' Great. Lovely to meet you. :'''Tara:''' See you soon. :''(As soon as the elevator Tara's traveling in closes, Fergus runs back to the offices and takes charge of the situation.)'' :'''Fergus:''' Right! I'm in fucking charge! And I'm going Nordic drama! ''(to Adam)'' Adam, secure the economist. ''(to Phil)'' You, get Stewart and Mannion back here STAT! :'''Adam:''' Brilliant. Got that, guys? Yeah? Okay? :'''Phil:''' ''(calling out to Fergus)'' Sure. I'll-I'll do it your way for now, Fergus, but, uh, they left me in charge for a reason. :'''Adam:''' I bet you line up all your action figures on the edge of your bath, don't you? :'''Phil:''' 1: I've got a shower. And 2: They're still in the boxes. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Phil, sitting in Peter's office chair, has just left a voicemail for Emma.)'' :'''Glenn:''' ''(entering)'': Have you got any of them yet? :'''Phil:''' No, everyone's ignoring me. It's like the first year of university all over again. Fuck it, the whole of university! ''(Peter's office phone rings.)'' Jesus. ''(answers)'' Hello? No, I can categorically say that Peter Mannion will not be resigning over this. Thank you. ''(hangs up)'' :'''Terri:''' ''(entering)'' Who was that? :'''Phil:''' ''[[wikipedia:The_World_at_One|World At One]]''. I handled it. :'''Terri:''' You don't handle ''The World At One'', Phil, they're not stolen goods. Now listen, if you want to go and play phones, you can go down to the crèche where there's a big phone with big boggly eyes that go round and round when you wheel it about. Now piddle off! :''(Phil leaves. Terri sits down in Peter's chair.)'' :'''Glenn:''' We've got to put something out there, Terri. :'''Terri''': That boy is a simpleton. Two hundred years ago, they wouldn't have let him milk a cow. ''(phones a journalist)'' Jonty! Terri here over at Hectic House. ''(laughing)'' No! No, Peter's not resigning! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Female party worker:''' Free apples! ''[throws ball]'' :'''Everyone:''' Yes and ho! :'''Male party worker:''' Uh, free coffins. ''[throws ball]'' :'''Everyone:''' Yes and ho! :'''Peter:''' Reduce the deficit with spending cuts. :'''Everyone except Stewart:''' Yes and ho! :'''Stewart:''' Peter, Peter, I want to hear new ideas ricocheting off your synapses like a pinball, not just a two year old slogan. :'''Peter:''' Okay, Doctor Jazz, let's hear it. ''[throws ball]'' :'''Stewart:''' We do away with computers. :'''Everyone except Peter:''' Yes and h- :'''Peter:''' ''You idiot!'' That's '''''fucking''''' mental! :'''Stewart:''' No blocking, Peter, only counterpoint. Do away with computers, what do we think? How will it affect us? Good idea? Bad idea? :'''Peter:''' Good idea for me, I wouldn't get anymore of your ''fucking'' emails. ''[Peter gets up]'' :'''Stewart:''' Try and stay cross-legged if you can, but don't break the circle... :'''Peter:''' I'm 54, Stewart. My knees are fucked and my patience is snapped. Some of us had to go through this hippie shit the first time around. :'''Stewart:''' I'm not talking about trying to sell it to the electorate, Peter. I'm talking about exploring it within the free space of the circle. :'''Peter:''' Okay, give me the ball. Give me the ball! Give me the ball. ''(Peter tries to wrestle the ball away from Stewart)'' :'''Stewart:''' No! :'''Peter:''' Give me... give me the ''FUCKING'' ball, Stewart! ''[grabs the ball]'' Let's do away with you. :'''Stewart:''' What? :'''Peter:''' Filter's off, Daddy-o! Let it all hang out! Just suppose your free-range no-consequence bullshit was hugely entertaining when we were in opposition and shitting money, but now we're in government and it's all gone a bit [[wikipedia:J._G._Ballard|J.G. Ballard]], it's irrelevant and infantile! :'''Stewart:''' Oh, very droll, Peter. :'''Peter:''' Oh, and maybe the reason you don't mind handing your phone in is that it doesn't ring as much as it used to. Oh, sorry; ''doesn't ring as much as it used to, yes and ho.''<hr width="50%" />'''Glenn:''' Want the opinion of an old lag? Mannion will have to go. :'''Phil:''' Stick to 'policemen are getting younger', Glenn. Peter's going nowhere, and I don't mean that in a Glenn's career kind of way. :'''Glenn:''' I've seen a lot of people resign, and they're always happier afterwards. :'''Phil:''' You're thinking of lobotomies. Peter resigns over my dead body. :'''Glenn:''' Yes. Yes, that would be the ideal scenario. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Peter, Emma and Stewart are wondering why they have been called away from the Thought Camp.)'' :'''Emma:''' It's probably just Phil, he'll have run out of colouring books or something. :'''Peter:''' Anything to get out of Stewart's think sphincter. :'''Stewart:''' ''(to the hotel receptionist)'' Hello, receptionist. Could I have my phone, please? :'''Receptionist:''' Um, your name, sir? :'''Stewart:''' It's Stewart. :'''Receptionist:''' Stewart? :'''Stewart:''' Stewart Pearson. :'''Peter:''' Peter Mannion. Mine's the old Nokia. Yeah, thank you. :'''Stewart:''' Look, mine's the one with Stewart written on it. :''(Nobody can get a good reception on the phones...)'' :'''Peter:''' I can't get any reception. :'''Receptionist:''' No, you won't round here. :'''Peter:''' What? :'''Receptionist:''' "No reception at reception," we always say. The best spot, sounds stupid, is the children's play area, top of the slide? <hr width="50%"/> :''(Peter and Stewart are forced to run over to the playground to get a reception!)'' :'''Stewart:''' God, I hate the country. ''(to Peter)'' Get higher, you idiot. :'''Peter:''' That's it, that's it, I've got something. :'''Stewart:''' Download the intel, Peter. Come on, put it on speaker. :'''Peter:''' No, I've got loads of messages from my wife and from Phil. :''(Peter's listening to the messages on his cell phone.)'' :'''Peter:''' She's taking the dog to the hospital... :'''Stewart:''' Oh, come on. :'''Peter:''' She's had a long wait...the wound in his paw's gone septic. :'''Stewart:''' Oh please, Peter, move on. :'''Peter:''' Tickle's dead. :'''Stewart:''' What? :'''Peter:''' ''(stunned)'' Tickle's dead. :'''Stewart:''' Okay, it's my turn on that signal, Peter, get down. :'''Peter:''' Wait, I'm listening to the message! I'm listening to the fucking message! Don't -- :'''Stewart:''' I need to get this signal! :''(Peter still doesn't want to slide down the slide.)'' :'''Stewart:''' Stop being so childish! :'''Peter:''' Jesus Christ! :'''Stewart:''' Just get down, Peter. :''(Peter slides down the slide.)'' :'''Stewart:''' I've got it! I've got it! :''(Emma's come over to the playground.)'' :'''Emma:''' Playtime's over. Tickle's dead, okay? Number 10's gone off the hook mental. Stewart, take my phone to call the PM. ''(Emma gives Stewart her cell phone.)'' :'''Emma:''' ''(to Peter)'' Right, Phil's meeting us, he's going to bring a shirt, suit and tie. You are not going to arrive looking like the manager of an organic wine bar. ''(to both Peter and Stewart)'' Right. Come on, come on, come on! Movement! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Fergus, Adam and Glenn are discussing strategy back at DoSAC.)'' :'''Glenn:''' Well, anyway, um, Mannion has surely got to freeze housing disposals now. :'''Fergus:''' Yeah. And on that point, Glenn, I wonder if it might be at all helpful if we collated every single statement Mannion's made about Tickle and the sell-off policy? :'''Adam:''' Yeah, as a sort of favor to selected hacks. Put a bit of air between us and the policy. A ''lot'' of air. :'''Glenn:''' Adam, this is not the time for party political point-scoring. At least let the body get cold. :'''Fergus:''' Of course, understood. What was it? What was it Peter said to those Welsh chartered surveyors? :'''Adam:''' The health service should be for care, not subsidized housing. I mean, that is... :''(Adam mimes an explosion.)'' :'''Glenn:''' Jesus, is this what we came into politics for? :'''Adam:''' Yeah. That and the pussy. <hr width="50%"/> :''(In the car back to DoSAC HQ from Thought Camp, Phil hands Peter a rainbow tie.)'' :'''Peter:''' What's that? I'm supposed to be commenting on a suicide, not a fucking camel race! :'''Phil:''' I thought it would balance out the bad news. You know, yin-yang. [[wikipedia:Jon_Snow_(journalist)|Jon Snow]] does it. :'''Stewart''' ''(on his phone)'': I want Tickle's movements over the last 24 hours, and I want his complete mental health records since he first sat on a potty. :'''Peter:''' Do you think you might need one or two computers for that, Stewart? :'''Emma:''' ''(on her phone)'' Yeah, okay, well, we're going to try and dredge up some firefighting strategy. Yeah, yeah. Absolutely. I'll top-load you as soon as we arrive. Yeah, thanks, okay. All right, bye. :''(Peter is struggling to put his suit jacket on with his seatbelt on.)'' :'''Peter:''' Can I, can I take the seatbelt off? :'''Emma:''' ''(to Peter)'' No, Peter. ''(Emma then sees Stewart tapping his head nervously.)'' Stewart, what are you doing? :'''Stewart:''' It-It helps with the car sickness. :'''Peter:''' This is great, isn't it, Stewart? A conference on crisis management that's been scuppered by an actual fucking crisis. :'''Phil:''' We don't even know why he killed himself yet. I mean, suicide, it's pathetic! At least take some of your enemies with you, that's a noble death. :'''Emma:''' This is going completely nuts, so many questions being asked! :'''Stewart:''' Yes, starting with "Why did Phil bring a tie from the '90s?" :'''Phil:''' Yeah, don't panic, I brought an alternative. ''(shows Peter a black tie)'' :'''Peter:''' But that's too far the other way! :'''Stewart:''' It makes him look guilty. :'''Phil:''' How can he be guilty? He's got the perfect alibi, he was at boot camp. :'''Peter:''' Oh! :'''Emma:''' Brilliant, let's release that, hey? 'There's no actual blood on his hands ''and'' he remembered to wipe the fingerprints off the knife!' :'''Phil''' ''(showing Peter his tie)'': Look, you can wear my tie, what about mine? :'''Peter:''' What's on your tie? :'''Phil:''' Tintin moon rockets. :'''Peter:''' Oh, for fuck's sake! :'''Stewart:''' ''(to Phil)'' God, it amazes me you ever found your way out of your mother's womb! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stewart:''' Terri, poppet, can you send me out a cry-mail, 'We give a toss, we're sorry for your loss', yeah? Peter, we might need to relaunch the trousers. And get him a tie, a bland one; Glenn, one of yours, yeah? :''(Phil goes to get Glenn's tie)'' :'''Fergus:''' Er, Peter, I have a bit of news I should probably make you aware of. :'''Peter:''' Yes I do know, Fergus, a man with an amusing name has died. :'''Fergus:''' Er, no, actually, it's that this morning I, well, I set up a community bank. :'''Emma:''' ... What? :'''Peter:''' You did what? You s– You set up a bank? :'''Phil''' ''(returning with Glenn's tie)'': I had a moment of weakness and they exploited it, like [[wikipedia:Hugh Grant|Hugh Grant]]. :'''Fergus:''' Yeah, well, we didn't really have much choice 'cause it was all going to piss in a kettle here, so we had to get the economist out of the way. :'''Peter:''' What are you talking about? What economist? :'''Fergus:''' Well, we were having a preliminary meeting when Phil started to crow, Glenn was having a meltdown, it was getting embarrassing! :'''Peter''': You bought a bank out of social embarrassment? I sometimes buy ''[[wikipedia:The_Big_Issue|The Big Issue]]'' out of social embarrassment, I don't buy a ''fucking '''bank!''' :'''Fergus:''' Peter, this is so fucking us. :'''Stewart:''' Yeah, let me just wind back, right? Let's get this straight, just so that I can deal with you two properly: how much is this bank? :'''Fergus and Adam:''' Well, £2 billion. :'''Emma:''' ''£2 billion?'' :'''Stewart:''' Sweet Tracey Emin! :'''Adam:''' Alright, don't need to shit yourself about it, because we're not buying it. OK? It's funded by taxes. :'''Emma:''' Oh, that's alright then! :'''Peter:''' Oh great, the triple! I'm a nurse-killer, a banker, and now I'm raising '''''fucking TAXES?''''' :'''Fergus:''' Well, you are meant to be the bad cop, so what's our out? :''(Phil drapes Glenn's tie around Peter's neck)'' :'''Peter:''' You're giving me an actual noose along with a metaphorical one. TROUSERS! :'''Phil:''' Sorry, I'm getting the trousers – ''(interrupted by an alert on his phone)'' Jesus! What were you guys doing at the hotel? There's a picture of you on a slide, it's been tweeted by a golfer. :'''Emma:''' ''(looks at the photo)'' Oh, f– :'''Stewart:''' ''(receiving Phil's phone)'' No no no no no no... :'''Phil:''' It's gonna go big, probably viral. Bigger than ''[[wikipedia:Charlie_Bit_My_Finger|Charlie Bit My Finger]]''. :'''Adam:''' You look like the [[wikipedia:The_Swiss_Family_Robinson|Shit Family Robinson]]. :''(Stewart suddenly screams and hurls Phil's phone at the wall, narrowly missing Emma)'' :'''Emma:''' Jesus Christ! :'''Terri:''' Shit! :''(Stewart storms off)'' :'''Adam:''' Oh, poor Stewart. I think a bit of his brain broke. :'''Phil:''' My phone broke! I was up to Warlock General in Dragonlance! A year of my life, gone! :'''Fergus:''' Er, Peter, speaking of socially embarrassing situations, what the fuck were you doing being photographed ''on a slide''? :'''Peter:''' It was the only place we could get a FUCKING SIGNAL! :'''Fergus:''' Two grown men in a playground, that's a pretty 'clear signal'. :'''Emma:''' Peter, Number 10 have seen the photo. They don't want you to make a statement. So Fergus, looks like you're up. Statement on Tickle in 10 minutes, OK? :'''Fergus:''' Bring it! :'''Emma:''' I'm gonna go and talk Stewart down. :''(Phil tries to hand the pair of trousers to Peter.)'' :'''Peter:''' I don't want the fucking trousers! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Phil gives Glenn his tie back.)'' :'''Phil:''' Here you go, I managed to wrestle your tie back off Terri. I think there's still some of her fingernails in it, though. :'''Glenn:''' Well, in the grand scheme of things, that's not such a big deal. :'''Phil:''' You're not going to come and watch your guy give the statement? :'''Glenn:''' No. He's not my guy, Phil. I'm on my own here, there's no one quite like me. Not here, not any more. :'''Phil:''' Yeah. You're the last [[wikipedia:VHS|VHS]] in [[wikipedia:Oxfam|Oxfam]]. They won't take them anymore, I've tried. Seasons 1 to 5 of ''[[wikipedia:The_X-Files|The X-Files]]'', nothing, can't give them away. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Peter and Stewart share an unexpected bonding moment over their mutual dislike of Fergus while watching him on TV.)'' :'''Fergus:''' ''(talking to the reporters)'' ...for a fairer NHS, for a fairer public housing program. :'''Peter:''' He's exactly why people hate politicians. He's making me hate politicians -- ''him'' in particular. :'''Stewart:''' Any second now, he's gonna do the imaginary tits. :''(Fergus does the "imaginary tits...")'' :'''Peter:''' There they are. ''(Both Peter and Stewart let out sarcastic chuckles.)'' :'''Fergus:''' Thank you. ''(Fergus heads back inside.)'' :'''Peter:''' Look at him. ''(beat)'' Moments like this make you realize why Elvis shot so many TVs. ==Series 4, Episode 4== :'''Malcolm:''' ''(on the phone)'' Sam, hi, listen, can you do me a favour? Buy some flowers for Nicola fucking Murray. Yeah, have them delivered to her home this evening with a card that says: "Sorry you had to go, but let's face it, you are a fucking waste of skin". Waste of skin, yeah. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to a hospital receptionist)'' Morning. I'm looking for a Mr. Oliver Reeder. He looks a bit like a Quentin Blake illustration. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ollie:''' ''(answers his mobile)'' Hi Mum. Yeah, a bit sore – :'''Malcolm:''' ''(entering Ollie's room)'' Here she is, Britain's latest post-op transsexual. How did they do that, did they actually manage to graft one on? ''(briefly lifts up Ollie's bedsheet)'' :'''Ollie:''' I'll call you back, Mum. ''(hangs up)'' It's the scary Morrissey! :'''Malcolm:''' ''(throws Ollie some flowers)'' I've come to cheer you up. :'''Ollie:''' Did you actually buy me flowers, Malcolm? :'''Malcolm:''' No no no, it's [[wikipedia:Roadside_memorial|one of the many advantages]] of living close to an accident blackspot. So how are things, the little boy from ''The Secret Garden?'' :'''Ollie:''' Well, you know, there's no Wi-Fi, there's basic Freeview. It's like living in 2003. But I am lighter to the tune of one whole appendix, so I do feel very svelte. :'''Malcolm:''' So have you seen this? ''(holds up the'' Guardian'', which leads with an interview with Steve Fleming)'' :'''Ollie:''' ''(reads the headline)'' "Nicola Murray is 'unelectable'"? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(throws Ollie the paper)'' Fleming is foaming. :'''Ollie:''' Is that it then, is she fucked? :'''Malcolm:''' Like [[w:Caligula|Caligula]]'s favourite watermelon. Fleming's fired the starting pistol so we can all start firing our ''actual'' pistols into her fucking fat unelectable smug head. :'''Ollie:''' How...Is this it now? :'''Malcolm:''' It's on. It's on like Fat Pat's thong. We're putting Nicola on a train today to Bradford. It's the closest as I could get to locking her in a metal box. :'''Ollie:''' Oh, this is the Here 2 Hear thing. What a great idea, going around the country listening to people tell you that they hate you, just in different accents. ''(In various accents)'' "I fucking hate you." "I hate you." "I fucking hate you." :'''Ollie:''' So wait, today's the day? :'''Malcolm:''' Today's the day. Once she's on the train, I'm going to detonate the main bomb, but I need you to set one off later. :'''Ollie:''' ''(laughing)'' Malcolm, I'm in hospital, I'm not wearing any pants! :'''Malcolm:''' I don't care if you've been dead for a year and playing cribbage with [[wikipedia:Jimmy_Savile|Jimmy fucking Savile]]. I want you to make a bomb and explode it, today. :'''Ollie:''' ''(confused)'' This is a metaphorical bomb, right? :'''Malcolm:''' This is it, [[wikipedia:Jack_Bauer|Jack fucking Bauer]]. Time for you to embrace your inner bastard.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Nicola:''' I'm not going to exploit a suicide. :'''Malcolm:''' Come on, you can't look a gift corpse in the mouth, you should be taking that corpse and slapping the Government about the face with it. Bit of slap with Tickle, yeah? :'''Nicola:''' No, I'm not doing it, it's insensitive, as was that. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nicola:''' Erm, John, maybe – :'''John Duggan:''' Please, call me JD, I've rebranded. :'''Nicola:''' Right. So John, if you could get us some drinks, that would be great. :'''John Duggan:''' Abso-dutely, I could murder a lager! It's all right drinking on trains, isn't it, it's one of those places where alcohol is acceptable at any time of day, like a casino, or Cardiff. That's not racist. I could have said Glasgow, or Dublin. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ben''' ''(to two colleagues)'': Yeah, it's a [[wikipedia:Nigella_Lawson|Nigella]] recipe, you sort of do it with gammon and Coca-Cola. That's fantastic. :'''Malcolm:''' Ah, the hairless [[wikipedia:Rubeus_Hagrid|Hagrid]]. I need a private word. :'''Ben:''' Yeah, we're kind of in the middle of something. :'''Malcolm''' ''(to Ben's colleagues)'': I need you lot to make like a tree and go fuck yourselves. :'''Ben:''' Yeah, we'll pick this up later. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm''' ''(seeing Ben's empty desk)'': Oh I'm sorry, I can come back if you're – I didn't realise you were so fucking busy. :'''Ben:''' Well, I could do some work, but you know what, we're still gonna lose. :'''Malcolm:''' Hey hey hey. Don't be so grim, you big quim. You are the future of this party, yeah? You are the next generation. :'''Ben:''' And you're in its past, I mean – I don't really know why you're still here, Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' I just want to see this thing turn around, right? I can't leave while we're getting fucked in the polls, and we're getting fucked consistently and repeatedly like a horse in the fucking Hebrides. :'''Ben:''' All very original observations, Malcolm MacIntucker, but what's the solution? :'''Malcolm:''' Nicola has to go. Today. :'''Ben:''' Oh, right. :'''Malcolm:''' You need to resign. :'''Ben:''' And challenge her for the leadership? :'''Malcolm:''' Ah, no. No, that would be petty and self-interested. No. You are doing this for the greater good of the party. As Deputy Leader, Dan Miller will take over, and he can be anointed at a later date. :'''Ben:''' So, you want me to stick my cock in a fan so that Dan Miller can become the next Prime Minister? Well fuck you very much, Malcolm. What do ''I'' get out of this? :'''Malcolm:''' I would not ask you to do this for nothing, would I? :'''Ben:''' You might. :'''Malcolm:''' I'm asking you, because you're a big fucking beast. Which is why, when you come back, it'll be as Foreign Secretary. :'''Ben:''' And you mean Foreign Secretary, that isn't code for, like, Northern Ireland, I'm not fucking going there. :'''Malcolm:''' This is the proper Foreign Secretary, with all the perks. Fuck-off breakfasts at Dubai hotels. Tours of secret Russian sex yachts. :'''Ben:''' All right! All right, I'll do it. And you know what? I'd have done it for a lot less. :'''Malcolm:''' I beg your pardon? :'''Ben:''' I'd have done it just to see the look on Nicola's face. :'''Malcolm:''' Oh. I've underestimated you. :'''Ben:''' ''(quite proud of himself)'' You have been out-maneuvered by a player. It happens. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well...didn't used to. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nicola:''' God, this is absolutely ridiculous. We so should have sat separately in first! :'''Helen:''' You can't go in first class, it's career suicide. You might as well do a shit in the aisle. <hr width="50%" /> :''(Glenn Cullen is visiting Ollie Reeder in the hospital)'' :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' So go on, then. How's life in Nazi HQ? Is it fun collaborating? :'''Glenn:''' Oh, don't start all that again. I got into government by accident. :'''Ollie:''' Speaking of which, how is Terri? :'''Glenn:''' She's entering her dog for ''Britain's Got Talent.'' :''(Ollie lets out a big laugh)'' :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Look, what's the matter with you anyway? Please tell me you're looking for a bone marrow donor and that I'm your only hope. The answer would be no, by the way. :'''Ollie:''' Bad luck. No, it's an appendix out. Well, I hope it is. Since your lot took over the NHS, everything's a fucking adventure, isn't it? :'''Glenn:''' Look, all this is incredibly entertaining, Ollie. But you called me over in my lunch hour, and as you're fond of saying, I don't have many of them left. :'''Ollie:''' So you know all this stuff with Mr. Tickle? :'''Glenn:''' Sad business. :'''Ollie:''' Very sad business. :'''Glenn:''' Yeah. Mr. Sad is actually very very sad about it. :'''Ollie:''' Yes. Mr. Happy, on the other hand: fucking delighted! :'''Glenn:''' Yeah? Mr. Stoic's taking it on the chin. :'''Ollie:''' Yes! Mr. Milk-it says we should probably stop this now. :'''Glenn:''' Okey doke. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nicola''' ''(returning to her seat)'': Right, wee mission accomplished. :'''John Duggan''': Actually, having an accurate wee into a moving train toilet would make a great round on ''[[wikipedia:The_Cube_(game_show)|The Cube]]'' with Phillip Schofield.<hr width="50%" />'''Glenn''' ''(entering the toilet)'': Ollie, come on, this is my shittiest lunch break I've had since Stewart took us all out for sushi. :'''Ollie:''' Patience, old man, and you can watch the fuckpuppet master at work now. ''(calls Ben)'' Ben Swain! Benign tumour, Bental illness! :'''Ben:''' Ol– Oliver Cyst, Olivetti – Spaghet– I don't really have time for chit-chat, Ollie. :'''Ollie:''' Are you resigning, mate, are you dropping the R-bomb? [[wikipedia:Enola_Gay|Benola Gay]]? I'm not just, er, talking about the rumours. :'''Ben:''' Let's just say it is time to prepare the hidey-hole for Madame Hussein, her reign of error is over. :'''Ollie:''' And out of interest, Ben, what would it take to stop you from resigning? :'''Ben:''' Why, what's Nicola offering? :'''Ollie:''' Name your price! :'''Ben:''' All right. Shadow Chancellor. :''(Ollie laughs. Glenn barely stops himself from doing so as well.)'' :'''Ollie:''' Ah, you still got it, Benny. :'''Ben:''' I'm serious, stop fucking laughing. :'''Ollie:''' All right, I'll call you back. ''(hangs up)'' :'''Glenn:''' This is a fucking joke! Ben Swain, Chancellor? He goes into debt every time he passes a sweet shop! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm''' ''(answering his phone)'': What have you got for me, Professor Brian Cock? :'''Ollie:''' Ben small-balled it. Nicola's offered him Shadow Chancellor, he's not resigning. :'''Malcolm:''' Christ in a diamond heist, the dopey fucking bollard. Right, how are you getting on with the old man from ''[[Up (2009 film)|Up]]''? :''(Glenn is waiting outside the toilet)'' :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, you know, getting there. :'''Malcolm:''' Well, get a move on. I want him leaking like [[wikipedia:Cliff_Richard|Cliff Richard]] out jogging. :'''Ollie:''' Right. OK. I'll be right on it. ''(hangs up)'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm''' ''(entering Ben's office)'': Oh, here she is. [[wikipedia:Pippa_Middleton|Pippa Middleton]], trying to steal the limelight with your peachy little arse. Right, where are we? :'''Dan:''' Well, I've just offered Ben here Deputy Leadership of the party. :'''Ben:''' I don't want it. I want Chancellor. :'''Malcolm''' ''(surprised)'': Chancellor? Of the United Kingdom? :'''Ben:''' Yeah, it's what Nicola's offering me. :'''Malcolm:''' Are you sure about this Ben, how's your economics? :'''Ben:''' Good, strong. :'''Malcolm:''' What, you're a [[wikipedia:Philosophy,_Politics_and_Economics|PPE]]-er guy? :'''Ben:''' No, History of Art, but – :'''Malcolm:''' Oh right, so you are confident that one day you will be able to shepherd this country out of one of the darkest economic periods in its entire fucking art history? :'''Ben:''' Look, at the moment, I hold all the cards, including the card that tells you how to play, so – so [[wikipedia:It_ain't_over_till_the_fat_lady_sings|it's over. The fat lady's singing]]. :'''Malcolm:''' No she's not. The [[wikipedia:Wynne_Evans|fat man]] from the [[wikipedia:Gocompare.com|GoCompare]] adverts is talking. :'''Ben:''' This is tiger-by-the-tail time and I'm loving it, loving it, loving it! :'''Dan:''' Oh, in that case you leave me no option, Ben, I'm gonna have to say yes. :'''Ben:''' Oh, [[wikipedia:Chumbawamba|Chumba-fucking-wamba]]! Then I resign on the dotted line. :'''Malcolm:''' Can you give us a minute, Ben, please? Dan and I need to talk some strategy. :'''Ben:''' Might head in the direction of confection; any snack-age, anyone? :'''Dan:''' No, no. :''(Ben leaves)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Is this for real? :'''Dan:''' No, of course it's not for real, Malcolm. I'm offering him Chancellor, but I might as well be offering him bass player in [[wikipedia:The_Wurzels|The Wurzels]], because that burly haemorrhoid's getting nowhere near any fucking cabinet of mine. :'''Malcolm:''' Good, so how are you gonna shaft him? :'''Dan:''' That's not my problem. That's your problem, Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' Right, so this is a little test, is it, you're weighing my balls? :''(Dan nods and smiles.)'' :'''Dan:''' Should we get Ben? :'''Malcolm:''' Oh, [[wikipedia:I'll_be_back|he'll be back]]. Like the shit [[wikipedia:Terminator_(character)|Terminator]]. ''(Ben returns)'' There he is.<hr width="50%"/> :'''Ben:''' I hereby tweet, 'I have resigned. More to follow.' Didn't seem that momentous. :'''Malcolm:''' How many followers have you got? :'''Ben:''' 612, or thereabouts. :'''Malcolm:''' Christ, well let's hope it gets retweeted, otherwise you might as well just whisper it to a fucking dead tramp. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Nicola is upset that she wasn't able to get support from a fellow politician in her party.)'' :'''Nicola:''' Fucking fibroid polyp bitch! I hope they sprout out of her abdomen and fucking choke her! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Ben is preparing for his big announcement, but first, Malcolm wants to show Ben something on his cell phone.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' These phones are amazing, aren't they? I've got an [[wikipedia:Mobile_app|application]] here that can throw grenades into people's dreams. :'''Ben:''' So, how do I look? :'''Malcolm:''' Is that your suit with the reinforced trouser arse on it, yeah? :'''Ben:''' Ha, very funny. What, a joke that I'm going to shit myself? :'''Malcolm:''' No, it's because you're gonna need it for the 10 years you're gonna be sitting on the back benches. The e-mail trail about the key worker housing clearly shows that you, Benjamin Trevor Swain, were gleefully in favor of it, just like Nicola. :'''Ben:''' You've...Um... :'''Malcolm:''' There you go. Break a leg, love. And your neck and your wrist. It doesn't really matter. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Meanwhile, Nicola and Helen are on a train back to London, when Nicola realizes...)'' :'''Nicola:''' I never act on impulse. I'm so not impulsive. And Malcolm made me do it now, fuck! :'''Helen:''' What? :'''Nicola:''' Launching this inquiry may prove to be misguided in that I now recall I may have fleetingly supported the policy myself. :'''Helen:''' (in disbelief) So you've essentially launched an investigation into yourself. :'''Nicola:''' Malcolm made me do it. :'''Helen:''' Oh, well, Malcolm, yeah. :'''Nicola:''' You've met Malcolm. I would've said that it was ethically bad. :'''Helen:''' I'll tell you what you said, just give me a minute. ''(Helen scoffs)'' Brilliant. Courtesy of the ''Telegraph'' website. You said, "Great revenue raiser, but I'm afraid it's a no-no because of my bloody husband." I'm sorry. Why would you do that? :'''Nicola:''' You remember all your e-mails, do you, that you sent three years ago? Because from what I understand from Ollie, a large number of them were sent to that married producer on the ''Daily Politics.'' :'''Helen:''' Ollie is a fucking...because...He was supposed to leave her and... :''(Helen wants to come up with a better rescue plan.)'' :'''Helen:''' Okay, while we're on our way back to London, maybe we should make a list of the things, you know, you're for and against. Let's start with something simple. Animals in circuses? :'''Nicola:''' Tell you what. Why don't you make the little list and shove it up your tight, cold arse? I just need to stare. :'''Helen:''' Have a good stare. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nicola:''' ''(on the phone to Ollie)'' You are not going to try and talk me down off a ledge, are you? Because, I've got to tell you, I'm really tired and the pavement looks like a nice, warm, splatty bed right now. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' Right, come on, folks, gather round, grab your cheesy nachos and your fucking [[wikipedia:Vuvuzela|vuvuzelas]]: this is what we've all been waiting for, it's the Queen's fucking speech. :''(A few moments later, as Nicola begins her resignation speech...)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Come on, this is fucking history in the making, right, this is the ending of a chapter of a very thin book that nobody enjoyed reading. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nicola:''' It has become apparent to me that I no longer have the full support of the party. :'''Malcolm:''' You never had the support of the party, you big bag of fucking useless doubt. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Dan enters the room as Nicola concludes her speech.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' And here he is, the anointed one! :''(Malcolm leads the room in applause)'' :'''Dan:''' Oh – please, please, I'm not Christ. He was quite a scruffy man. ==Series 4, Episode 5== :''(In this scene, Peter, Phil and Emma are walking their way upstairs to their office. The news of Nicola Murray's resignation as Leader of the Opposition is being broadcast on TV.)'' :'''Phil:''' There she goes, a tiebreaker in the making. "Who was Nicola Murray? I'll have to hurry you, teams." :'''Peter:''' Farewell, our shit and useless servant. :'''Emma:''' Yeah, at least Miller's a step up from Murray. He doesn't have to write Left and Right on his wellies. :''(Meanwhile, Stewart is leading his team downstairs at their desks.)'' :'''Stewart:''' I need your attention for 30 of your earth seconds. ''This'' is what will happen. :'''Phil:''' ''(looking downstairs)'' What the fuck is Stewart doing? :'''Stewart:''' You will go to the Z drive. You find a file entitled, "Miller Ascension, Whitehall Arab Spring." Open, ingest, implement. And after that...''(While Stewart is talking to the team, he sees Peter, Phil and Emma upstairs and makes an "I see you" gesture towards them.)'' I expect both of you, you two... :'''Peter:''' ''(groaning)'' Oh, fuck. :'''Stewart:''' ...to get together... :'''Peter:''' The man made of space hopper is coming this way. :''(Peter, Phil and Emma continue walking.)'' :'''Emma:''' This is gonna be about the inquiry. :'''Peter:''' ''(to Phil and Emma)'' I'm thinking I should resign now. :''(Emma and Phil are stunned.)'' :'''Emma:''' ''WHAT?'' :'''Phil:''' No, you can't do that! You're [[wikipedia:Aslan|Aslan]]! No one shaves your mane! :'''Peter:''' I'm not a fucking lion, Phil. There's going to be an inquiry into the death of a man who died because of a policy I signed off on. We all know how this is going to end. I, I, I should take the dignified way out. :'''Emma:''' No, you've missed the dignified exit. That was straight away, basically. :'''Peter:''' ''(slumping his shoulders)'' Yeah. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Peter, Phil and Emma are now talking about Fergus and Adam's Carer's Pass policy.)'' :'''Peter:''' The only silver lining in today's cloud of farts is that another one of [[wikipedia:Morecambe and Wise|Morecambe and Wise]]'s policy launches is ruined. :'''Phil:''' Are those the carers? They don't look old enough. :'''Emma:''' Free travel passes or something. It's another one of Adam and Fergus's Pop-Up Book of Policies. :''(As Peter and his team stop by the carers, he politely greets them and shakes their hands.)'' :'''Peter:''' ''(to the carers)'' Peter Mannion, lovely to meet you. What vital work you do. :'''Fergus:''' Peter, I'd love to introduce you to the carers... :'''Peter:''' ''(to Fergus, flatly)'' I've just met them. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Peter, Phil and Emma are now trying to come up with a plan in Peter's office...)'' :'''Peter:''' What's my plan? I didn't resign, and now this inquiry's gonna nail me up like fucking [[wikipedia:Barabbas|Barabbas]]. :'''Phil:''' Actually, he was the one they let go. Shouldn't have, he's a criminal. :'''Emma:''' Wait...We could, we could wrong-foot Murray. :'''Peter:''' Yeah, how? :'''Emma:''' You could push for the inquiry to go wider. :'''Phil:''' Wider? That's mental, we want to shut it down! :'''Emma:''' No, shush! Just hear me out! We can look into the whole, the whole culture of PFI procurement. :'''Phil:''' That is a good idea. :'''Peter:''' Really? :'''Phil:''' Fuck, that hurt to say! But she-she's right, because, um, Murray's husband's involved in PFI and he's as dodgy as a Russian, – as a Russian. :'''Emma:''' We can backspin it, Peter, it's good. :'''Peter:''' But, but is – is revenge a mature response? Let me think: Yes it is. Right, let's poke her in the PFIs. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Stewart is now upstairs talking to more of the DoSAC personnel.)'' :'''Stewart:''' If you get any channel problems, just swing them past the purple Power Ranger over here. (pointing to Terri) :''(As Peter leaves his office, he sees the carers again.)'' :'''Peter:''' ''(to the carers)'' Hello again. Vital, vital work, so proud of you. ''(Then Peter walks over to Terri.)'' Terri, I've got a job for you. :'''Stewart:''' Ah, Peter, this is all pretty white-knuckle stuff, eh? Is it getting the old adrenaline pumping, assuming it can squeeze past the port and stilton – :'''Peter:''' ''(to Stewart)'' Shut the fuck up, you prancing shit. ''(to Terri)'' Uh, we need to widen the inquiry into Mr. Tickle's death to include the issue of PFI contracts. :'''Terri:''' Great. Okay, I'm just working on Fergus's Carers Pass press release... :'''Peter:''' Aw, good. Could you fuck that to one side for the moment and concentrate on this? Yeah. :'''Stewart:''' Let's slip it into neutral for a moment here, Peter. We haven't got a green light from the PM yet, so let's not hit the accelerator. :'''Peter:''' Here's another way of looking at it: Let's. Goodbye. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm''' ''(to party staff, ahead of Nicola's arrival)'': Right, stop rolling around naked in the headlines; [[wikipedia:Thinking_man's/woman's_crumpet|blind man's crumpet]]'s on the way up. If you're gonna film her on your phones, try not to make it obvious, and no smiling. Not even a wee fucking [[wikipedia:Anne_Robinson|Anne Robinson]], right? The look we're going for should be ''solemn respect'': you know, like blokes modelling underpants.<hr width="50%" /> :''(Nicola Murray is trying to ask Dan Miller, the new Leader of the Opposition, NOT to go through with launching the inquiry.)'' :'''Nicola:''' This inquiry, you know, it's not really necessary now, so if-if you want to say that, I'll just back down. :'''Dan:''' ''(unmoved)'' An inquiry wouldn't be a bad thing. A clean break with the past in the minds of the electorate. :'''Nicola:''' Well, I mean, the electorate, you know, like me. ''(chuckling)'' Quite a lot of them voted me leader, so... :'''Dan:''' But you only beat me on a technicality. :'''Nicola:''' Yeah. I mean the thing is, Dan, ''(Dan nods)'' you know, pragmatically, I'm now a party grandee – ''(Malcolm enters)'' Malcolm, this is a private conversation. :''(Malcolm takes a chair and sits down.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' You are not a grandee, you are a fucking blandee. No one knew what the fuck you stood for. Political fucking mist. No substance, no weight. You've got all the charm of a rotting teddy bear by a graveside. By the way...women fucking hate you. I can show you the polling. They think you come across like a jittery mother at a wedding. The best thing you ever did in your flatlining non-leadership was call for an inquiry, because that will fuck the government and it will fuck ''you''. So now, please, just fuck off back to your home, you headless frump, and prepare for your column in ''[[wikipedia:Grazia|Grazia]]''. :'''Dan:''' Steady on, Malcolm, that's a bit strong. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Come on, let's go. :'''Nicola:''' Okay, you, well...You just need to know that you have absolutely fucking done it now, Malcolm, because you are about to find out what it feels like to have me pissing in your tent. :'''Malcolm:''' Well, you know what? Your piss will never fucking make it into my tent, because by some unforeseen Nicola Murray-shaped fiasco, like every fucking Nicola Murray-shaped fiasco I've had to deal with for the last two years. you'll end up blowing your own fucking stream into your own fucking face. ''There's'' your golden handshake. :'''Nicola:''' Finished? :'''Malcolm:''' ''You're'' finished. :'''Nicola:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' We'll see. ''(to Dan)'' Right, well, thanks, Dan. Think about what I said. Also might want to think about the fact there should be an apostrophe in "its" ''(pointing to the "Its Miller Time" sign)'' Illiterate fuckers. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Adam is at Fergus's computer in their office. Adam is showing Fergus an article that will help Fergus distance himself from Peter in the Tickel scandal.)'' :'''Adam:''' Bingo. We just need to leak it. You saying, "Key worker housing sell-off is possibly the worst idea since the invention of theatre." :'''Fergus:''' Does that give us enough distance from Mannion? :'''Adam:''' Oh yeah. This is your Get Out of Jail Free card strapped to a fucking jetpack. We just need to leak it. :'''Fergus:''' Yeah, well, obviously it can't look like it came from us. :'''Adam:''' Maybe it's time to bring Glenn back into the hub. He's been out on a limb since punk, hasn't he? :'''Fergus:''' Thousand-year-old Glenn Fiddich? :'''Adam:''' Yeah. Fucking perfect, he'll love it. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Glenn, meanwhile, is in his office, trying to contact Ollie.)'' :'''Glenn''' ''(on the phone)'': Ollie, look, I'm feeling very exposed here. I've got my cock out, it's covered in breadcrumbs and the fucking pigeons are circling. Look, please, just-just ring me back. :''(Suddenly, Fergus and Adam enter Glenn's office.)'' :'''Adam:''' Mr. Cullen. We would like you to leak -- ''(pretending to be a magician)'' Wow! This. ''(Adam shows Glenn a [[wikipedia:USB flash drive|USB flash drive]].)'' Don't worry, nothing major, just an email that puts a bit of distance between Fergus and the Tickle affair. :'''Glenn:''' What, I go from being a turnip to a leak? Still a fucking vegetable to you, though, eh? :'''Fergus:''' You wanna bring Mannion down a peg or 12, don't you, Glenn? :'''Glenn:''' Yeah, of course I do. The up his arse Kensington Butcher. :'''Adam:''' ''(pointing to the USB flash drive)'' Well, this is the cyanide capsule we'd like you to break into his afternoon brandy. :'''Fergus:''' This is it, Glenn. You're off the bench, back on the pitch to score the golden goal in extra time. Come on, mate! :'''Adam:''' Pick it up. :''(After some thought...)'' :'''Glenn:''' Fuck it. Why not? I'll do it. :'''Fergus:''' Good man. Thank you. :''(Fergus offers to shake Glenn's hand, but Glenn's still a bit, uh, sore...)'' :'''Glenn:''' I don't need to shake your hand. :'''Fergus:''' All right. Touchy, but not feely. :'''Glenn:''' Just go. I'll just have a look at it. :''(As they leave Glenn's office. Fergus and Adam give each other celebratory fist bumps.)'' :'''Adam:''' You are a brilliant bullshitter. :'''Fergus:''' Yeah, well, two years doing press for npower, it never leaves you. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Glenn sneaks into Terri's office to leak the email from her computer while nobody else is looking. But as he's getting ready to do the deed, Glenn's caught by -- who else? -- Terri.)'' :'''Terri:''' Glenn! ''(beat)'' What are you doing at my computer? :'''Glenn:''' I-I'm just doing Bradford & Bingley a favor. I'm bringing down Mannion by leaking an email. :'''Terri:''' A leak? C-Coming from my computer? No. No, get off, get off. ''(pointing to the computer)'' Take that...that, the whatever it is out of the...whatever it is. Take it. Out. :'''Glenn:''' No one will think it's you. Nobody leaks from their own computer. Look, you do this for me and I'll make sure that you get the full severance package, no questions asked, with full pension. :'''Terri:''' ''(tempted)'' And a lump sum? :'''Glenn:''' Yeah, I guess, yeah. :'''Terri:''' ''(whispering)'' The thing is, Glenn, I've got -- I've got my eye on a tea shop near Ludlow. Without a lump sum, no tea shop, no can do. :'''Glenn:''' Okay, right. This can go straight to Geoffrey at ''The Guardian.'' :'''Terri:''' Okay, yeah. :'''Glenn:''' Right. :'''Terri:''' Can we do it together? :'''Glenn:''' What? :'''Terri:''' Please? Just your hand on mine and my hand on yours, just do it together. Like, erm... :'''Glenn:''' Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. :'''Terri:''' Yes, okay. :'''Glenn:''' Not that I'm saying you're butch. :'''Terri:''' No, of course not. :''(And with that, Glenn and Terri lock hands on the computer mouse...)'' :'''Glenn & Terri:''' One, two, three... :''(They click the mouse.)'' :'''Glenn:''' Just send the email. <hr width="50%"/> :''(In this scene, Peter, Phil and Emma arrive at Stewart's office at Number 10. Stewart is preparing a "whiteboard session"...much to Peter's annoyance.)'' :'''Stewart:''' Ah, Team Peter. Come on, guys, let's take a little imagination stroll through a virtual inquiry, yeah? :'''Peter:''' ''(groaning)'' Oh, dear God, not another whiteboard session. I've-I've got a note from my mother, I have a verruca. :'''Stewart:''' Just wanna get an overview, Peter, yeah? A helicopter shot of where we currently are. Who's most to blame in the blame garden. Okay, the onion is PFI. Let's peel back some layers. Murray resignation, how do we feel about that? :'''Peter:''' What's "Tickle's M Records"? :'''Stewart:''' Medical, it's his leaked medical records. :'''Peter:''' Leaked? I-I-I thought they were common knowledge. :'''Stewart:''' Well, they are now, because they have been leaked. :'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' Did you know about this? :'''Emma:''' Well, yeah, Number 10 knew, so I-I knew, yeah. :'''Peter:''' ''(to Phil)'' What about you? :'''Phil:''' Yeah, I-I thought Tickle leaked them himself. :'''Stewart:''' Who would voluntarily leak their own medical records? You'd have to be mad to do that. :'''Peter:''' He ''was'' mad, that's precisely what his records said. :'''Phil:''' Exactly. You know, he was a male nurse. That's not just mad, that's mental. :'''Emma:''' ''(taken aback)'' Oh, Phil! Did the last 30 years only happen to other people? :'''Peter:''' Why didn't I know about this? Leaking medical records ''is'' illegal. Well, I-I -- Now I look guilty and incompetent. :'''Stewart:''' ''(writing on the whiteboard)'' Ah! Peter, incompetent. :'''Peter:''' Look! Don't write that down! I'm not on your sodding onion! :'''Stewart:''' ''(continuing writing)'' What is GFU? Good for us. Mmm? :'''Emma''' ''(looking at her phone)'': Oh, shit with a capital SHIT! We've got to go. :'''Phil:''' Great! ''(stands up)'' :'''Stewart:''' Hey, no no no no no no no, sit. :'''Emma:''' ''The Guardian'' have received an email from Fergus – actually, do you know, strike that, a ''chain'' of emails – Oh, perfect, with all of our comments about Mr. Tickle underneath. :'''Phil:''' Oh God, not-not the one where we all piled in with the ''[[w:Mr. Men|Mr. Men]]'' jokes? :'''Emma:''' Yes, yes. That one, Phil. :'''Stewart:''' Oh, you kid me! :'''Phil:''' Oh, Jesus! :'''Emma:''' I kid you not! :'''Peter:''' Oh my giddy fuck. :''(They all run back to DoSAC while reading the emails on their phones.)'' :'''Emma:''' They've leaked all the bloody emails: 'Mr. Tickle sounds like a gropey clown at a kids' party'. :'''Peter:''' I can't see! Can I make it bigger? :'''Phil:''' Go to Settings. 'Poor ickle Mr. Tickle, perhaps he's mentally sickle.' Must be Fergus. :'''Peter:''' Is this Settings? Oh, I think I've just taken a picture of my feet! <hr width="50%" /> :'''Ollie:''' Erm... Glenn is in reception. :'''Malcolm:''' Hoddle? Miller? Close? Morangie? :'''Ollie:''' Cullen. Glenn Cullen is in reception. :'''Malcolm:''' Glenn? :'''Ollie:''' Yeah. :'''Malcolm:''' Why are you even fucking telling me that? When the Queen's butler finds a cockroach in the pantry, he just stamps on it. :'''Ollie:''' Yes... :'''Malcolm:''' She doesn't even know! :'''Ollie:''' Okay. Okay! I'll go stamp on the cockroach, Malcolm. <hr width="50%" /> :'''Glenn:''' Oh, hey! Shouldn't you be in bed? :'''Ollie:''' Shouldn't you not be here?! Whoa, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop! You can't go up there. :'''Glenn:''' No, I have to. I ''can't'' go back over there, it's like ''[[w:Alien vs. Predator (franchise)|Alien vs. Predator]]''! :'''Ollie:''' Glenn! :'''Glenn:''' I want back in! Here! :'''Ollie:''' Yes, everybody is... tremendously appreciative of what you've done. It was a noble sacrifice, but-- :'''Glenn:''' What do you mean, "sacrifice"? I thought we had a deal! "Sacrifice" sounds very one-sided. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, well, "piss off" sounds one-sided, but there we go-- ''(Malcolm arrives and pushes him aside)'' Hey! M-Malcolm! :'''Malcolm:''' Why is he still here? Can you not perform a simple task? When there is a shit on your doorstep, you hose it off. :'''Ollie:''' Right. :'''Malcolm:''' You don't try to talk it into leaving of its own volition. :'''Glenn:''' I got rid of Nicola for you, you owe me! :'''Malcolm:''' I owe you? Your act of treachery wiped the slate clean. [[Rudolf Hess]]'s fucking senile older brother. :'''Glenn:''' Look, I know you think I screwed up, but I came here on my hands and knees, Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' You, my friend, you don't exist to me anymore, I can't even fucking hear you. :'''Glenn:''' Do you want me to beg? Is-Is that it? Because I -- Because I will. :'''Malcolm:''' Listen, [[Mary, Queen of Scots|Mary, Queen of fucking Shits]]: in the old days we would've just slit you up the middle like a fucking Cornish [[wikipedia:Pasty|pasty]], hanged your steaming entrails all around the Tower of fucking London! Catch you later, you fucking traitor! ''(turns to Sam, who has appeared on the stairs)'' Sam, what is it? :'''Sam:''' It's a call from Stewart Pearson. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(takes the phone from Sam)'' Stewart Pearson. ''(to Glenn)'' I'm the fucking wankers' lodestone today. ''(answers the phone, walking away)'' Stewart. Yes, [[wikipedia:Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy|the goatee-bearded guru-boy of Company B]]. :'''Ollie:''' It's a no, Glenn. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Stewart and Malcolm are having a not-so-friendly chat on their cell phones.)'' :'''Stewart:''' Yeah, Malcolm, can this wait? Hmm? :'''Malcolm:''' Word is the PM's considering an inquiry into the culture of leaking. :'''Stewart:''' No, no. Do you really think he's going to invite everyone into our complex network of secret little burrows? Open up the whole of Watership Down? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Okay, Bright Eyes. I'm massively fucking reassured. :'''Stewart:''' Look, you may as well have an inquiry into gravity. Now I have to go, Malcolm, because I've got like a whole country to govern, yeah? <hr width="50%"/> :''(As Peter, Phil and Emma are coming back to the office, Terri runs up to Peter to beg his forgiveness for the leaking of the chain of emails.)'' :'''Terri:''' ''(to Peter)'' The primary thing I want to say, first and foremost, is that you can't blame me for this. Peter. If-If anything, it's the culture of blame that's to blame for this. :''(Peter and his team walk past Terri and, yet again, pass the carers along the way.)'' :'''Peter:''' ''(to the carers, smiling)'' Great to see you again. Such crucial work you do. ''(to Phil and Emma, angrily)'' Meeting room! :''(Team Peter finally make their way into the meeting room.)'' :'''Peter:''' ''(to Phil and Emma)'' Right, ''SIT DOWN!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''(As soon as Team Peter enters the meeting room and close the door, Peter really lays into Phil and Emma.)'' :'''Peter:''' I can't resign, and I'm not gonna resign. I had the perfect moment to resign, which was right early on, when I could have resigned in a dignified and statesman-like way, and you both advised me not to resign. So now, I can't resign. :''(Phil and Emma agree with Peter's decision not to resign.)'' :'''Peter:''' ''(still composing himself)'' What's gonna happen is this. One of you has got to go. I want both of you to give me reasons why you shouldn't resign. :'''Phil:''' ''(stunned)'' Er, because...because I'm a, a Special Advisor to a...senior cabinet minister. :'''Emma:''' ''(while Phil's talking)'' That's a job description, Philip. That's a job description. :'''Peter:''' ''(unimpressed)'' That's not a reason. That's just your job -- from which I'm asking you why you shouldn't resign. :'''Phil:''' ''(struggling)'' I know everything about you. I am a, a world expert in-in-in Peter Mannion from, uh, PIN number to inside leg measurement. I, I'm-I'm there, um, you know... :'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' What's his inside leg measurement? :'''Phil:''' ''(to Emma)'' 34. ''(to Peter)'' I've given you everything, Peter, you can't...I mean, I-I don't have anything else, that's the point. I don't, I don't have any friends, I don't have any life, I haven't had sex for five years and I don't even enjoy it, so...you know, I'm not gonna get anyone pregnant. I'm never gonna get anyone pregnant, okay? You know, I'm fucking seedless. Whereas she's just, just a fucking baby bomb, okay? :'''Emma:''' Phil, you are just a... :'''Phil:''' And she's gonna go off all over the office and-and leave you! I'm gonna be here! :''(And THEN, to make matters worse for Peter, Terri barges into the meeting room!)'' :'''Terri:''' ''(entering)'' I'm sorry, I'm sorry, but my-my good name is at stake here. :'''Peter:''' Oh, Christ... :'''Terri:''' Peter, you must understand. I am an innocent woman. I'm the DoSAC One. :'''Peter:''' ''(fed up)'' That's it! I've had enough! I've had enough of all of you! You're all shit! I'm gonna sort it out by myself! :''(Peter leaves the meeting room...but now he's trying to outrun Terri.)'' :'''Terri:''' I can't bear that you think about me like this. :'''Peter:''' Don't follow me, Terri. :'''Terri:''' Please... :'''Peter:''' Stop following me. :'''Terri:''' I insist. I insist. I insist, Peter, please... :'''Peter:''' All right, Terri! I admit it, I'm in love with you! Now fuck off back to your office and organize the wedding! <hr width="50%"/> :''(And now, Fergus and Adam are celebrating what seems to be a triumphant victory.)'' :'''Fergus:''' ''(happily)'' Mannion goes [[wikipedia:Mel Gibson|Mel Gibson]]. :'''Adam:''' ''(chuckling)'' Spot it. :''(Fergus and Adam celebrate with a fist bump.)'' :'''Fergus:''' You know, you know what you've done? :'''Adam:''' Yeah? :'''Fergus:''' You, you, you have bought a fan, you plugged it in, you turned it on, you turned the dial up to maximum. :'''Adam:''' It wasn't a weak fan, it wasn't one of those office fans. It was a Dyson. And I stood the other side of it. :'''Fergus:''' Did a liquid shit on it. :'''Adam:''' Trousers down. :'''Fergus:''' And where did the shit go? :''(Adam imitates an explosion.)'' :'''Fergus:''' All over Mannion. :''(But then, Fergus's cell phone chimes...)'' :'''Adam:''' That's just priceless. :'''Fergus:''' Fuck, hang on... :'''Adam:''' What? :'''Fergus:''' Um, check the fucking emails. :'''Adam:''' What are you talking about? :'''Fergus:''' What the fuck did you give to Glenn? :'''Adam:''' ''(checking the computer)'' Well, it was just the email, just the... :'''Fergus:''' Yeah, but it's the whole -- We're on the email. :'''Adam:''' Oh, fucking hell... :''(Fergus and Adam are now starting to panic.)'' :'''Fergus:''' Why did you, why did you leave us on the-on the dongle? :'''Adam:''' Because he's only supposed to send the fucking top part of it. :'''Fergus:''' Why did you give him the choice? :'''Adam:''' Because an email has a chain, Fergus, it has a fucking chain that goes all the way down! :'''Fergus:''' Adam, there is now shit all over me! How come there is shit on me? Thanks, Adam! :'''Adam:''' Look, it's not my fucking fault! He's supposed to redact it! :'''Fergus:''' I just wanted one solid shit to go in one direction! Not [[wikipedia:Madras_curry_sauce|Madras]] fucking everywhere! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Fergus and Adam are now going after Glenn.)'' :'''Adam:''' Hey! [[w:2000 Year Old Man|2000 Year Old Man]]! Why the FUCK did you send the whole email?! Huh?! You were supposed to redact it, send the top email, not the whole fucking exchange! JESUS CHRIST ON A CRYSTAL METH BINGE! :'''Glenn:''' Terri and I sent what you gave me. :'''Adam:''' ''(in hysterical disbelief)'' ''Terri?! Why the fuc–'' THE ONLY REASON I'D EVER ASK TERRI FOR HELP IS TO ''SHOOT'' ME IF I EVER ASKED TERRI FOR HELP! :'''Glenn:''' Same reason you gave it to me: distance! TWO PEOPLE, TWICE THE DISTANCE! :'''Fergus:''' BUT TERRI DOESN'T GIVE US ANY DISTANCE! TERRI GIVES ME A TWITCH, ''(points to his eye)'' RIGHT HERE! YEAH, LAUGH IT UP, GLENN, BUT I'VE GOT A TWITCH, ''CALLED TERRI!'' :'''Terri:''' ''(from behind a book shelf, voice cracking)'' I am actually here, you know! :'''Fergus:''' Yeah, and that, in a nutshell, is the whole fucking problem! :''(Fergus storms off, Adam follows.)'' :'''Adam:''' ''(singsong)'' Fuck you very much! ''(to the carers, who have witnessed the entire exchange)'' Five minutes, guys, yeah? :'''The Carers:''' ''(moaning)'' Thanks. :'''Terri:''' ''(quietly to Glenn)'' Glenn...what about my tea shop? :'''Glenn:''' ''(sarcastically)'' It got closed! There's been a murder! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ollie:''' An inquiry into all of leaking, all of leaking! We are so ''–'' We are so screwed! :'''Malcolm:''' He's done it. That chinless horse-fiddler. Our fuck-lustrious PM has opened Pandora's fucking Box, and curled a massive steamer right into it! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stewart:''' In the time it has taken for Terri to extract herself from her Bluetooth, this little inquiry has fused! It is now growing faster than the speed of bloody light! It's not gonna be something that we can see ''from'' space, IT'S GOING TO ''BE'' SPACE! [[w:Brian Cox (physicist)|BRIAN COX]] IS GONNA PHONE ME, AND ASK FOR THE FILM RIGHTS! :'''Peter:''' BUT WHAT LEAK, WHAT LEAK, ''WHAT FUCKING LEAK?!'' :'''Stewart:''' ANYTHING! If I find out that ''anyone'' from here has leaked ''anything'', I will make sure they have to emigrate after this to a country where they don't speak English, and there's no Internet! :'''Peter:''' But every-everyone who leaked anything, that would fill the fucking Caspian Sea, we're just a drop in the ocean here! :'''Stewart:''' No, no, no, what you are, Peter, is Leak Zero! It started here! You have presided over a shambolic showering of info! Peter Mannion, 'Singing in the Rain'! ''(mobile rings)'' Oh, Christ. ''(answers)'' Hello, Malcolm! :'''Malcolm:''' Right, was this your idea? Because I don't remember signing any suicide pact. :'''Stewart:''' Malcolm, look, I'm as shocked about this as you are. :'''Malcolm:''' Yes. You sound ''really'' shocked, you big fucking spunk lolly. :'''Stewart:''' Yeah, look, I don't even know what that is. But I, you know, I think we all need time to, to process this data, yep? :''(Fergus and Adam burst in)'' :'''Fergus:''' WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?! :'''Adam:''' ''(restraining Fergus)'' All right, Fergus. ''(calmly)'' What the fuck is going on? :'''Phil:''' [[w:Raiders of the Lost Ark|The Ark has been opened, and your face is gonna melt!]] :'''Emma:''' There's gonna be an inquiry. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' Have I just stepped through a portal into a sausage machine? Because this is making mincemeat of my head. [[wikipedia:It's the End of the World as We Know It (And I Feel Fine)|It's the end of the world as we know it]]. To paraphrase a popular fucking [[wikipedia:The Bangles|Bangles]] song. :'''Ollie:''' It was, erm...It was [[wikipedia:R.E.M.|R.E.M.]] :'''Malcolm:''' Don't start contradicting me on that kind of shit. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm is trying to talk to Ollie about the importance of leaking in the governmental system.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Leaking is a fundamental component of our governmental system! If a government can't leak, do you know what happens? Dark shit builds up, and then ''–'' it ''bursts!'' And that's something you don't want to see! You think your appendix was bad? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' This is the gift that's gonna go on giving, believe you me. So you'd better keep your head down. And I don't mean just when you're frequenting your favorite glory holes. :'''Ollie:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Yeah, well...Whereas ''your'' closet is ''completely'' free of skeletons, isn't it, Malcolm? 'Cause you've buried them in a landfill in Essex. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' When this inquiry lands, you'd better have developed a very flat, stony face with no expression. But that'll be easy for you: it's your fucking cum face, isn't it? <hr width="50%"/> :''(deleted scene)'' :''(Malcolm wants Ollie to visit Nicola at her home)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Just go and stop her doing anything mental, right? Which, given that she thought she could be Prime Minister, the parameters for mental are about as wide as your mother's legs when the fleet's in town. :'''Ollie:''' All right, if I'm doing this for you, can we have a bit more respect for my mother, please? Those sailors get lonely. :'''Malcolm:''' This is some of my best stuff, and it's being ignored. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, what does that tell you?<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Glenn:''' But I came here on my hands and knees, Malcolm, I'm supplicating here; I'm a supplicant, Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' Well, unfortunately, that ship has sailed, hit a fucking iceberg, sunk, and [[wikipedia:Julian_Fellowes|Julian Fellowes]] has written [[wikipedia:Titanic_(2012_miniseries)|a fucking shit drama]] about it. ==Series 4, Episode 6== :''(This is the opening scene of this episode. Welcome to the Goolding Inquiry.)'' :'''Lord Goolding:''' This is an inquiry into the death of Mr. Douglas Tickel. And the practice and culture of the dissemination of confidential information between political parties and the public media. Mr. Weir. :'''Simon Weir:''' Uh, thank you, Lord Goolding. Um, our first witness today is, uh, is Mr. Stewart Pearson. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Stewart Pearson is ready to testify before the Goolding Inquiry Committee. He takes the oath, but politely declines to put his hand on the Bible.)'' :'''Stewart:''' ''(to the Bible holder)'' No, that's, er, it's fine. ''(taking the oath)'' Yeah. Um, I, Stewart Pearson, do sincerely declare and affirm that the evidence I shall give will be the truth, the whole truth and, and nothing but, uh, the truth. :'''Simon Weir:''' On page, uh, 235 of your, your witness statement...uh, you describe yourself as the, the "Human Rooter" in government. Can you, uh, can you explain what you meant by that? :'''Stewart:''' Um, I'm a...a "router," in the sense that I control the governmental informational ingestion and egestion process. :'''Simon Weir:''' Uh, Mr. Pearson, just to clarify, your job is -- is to make sure that the public perception of your government's program is a positive one, is that fair? :'''Stewart:''' It's not about perception, yeah? I believe in government as a transceiver, mmm? :'''Simon Weir:''' A transceiver? :'''Stewart:''' Yeah, it's really important, yeah, sure, to give out a, uh, a strong signal, but you -- to be effective, you've got to listen for an echo. :'''Lord Goolding:''' Could you possibly speak in plain English? :'''Stewart:''' I'm sorry, I, I...I thought, I thought I was. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' So what-what is clear is that you are an important man, Mr. Pearson. :'''Stewart:''' I'm just a lad from Leeds with a lust for life, yeah? Um...there's an, uh, an African proverb that's, that's stuck with me, yeah? "If you think you're too small to make a difference, you've never spent a night with a mosquito." :'''Baroness Sureka:''' So...part of your job is to make sure that the government's message gets across clearly? Is that right? :'''Stewart:''' That's correct. And despite the sarcasm marinating in that question, I'm very successful in that endeavor. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' ''(correcting Stewart)'' No, there was no sarcasm intended at all, Mr. Pearson. :'''Stewart:''' Sorry, I must have misread your face. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Um, does your job intrude on your home life? :'''Stewart:''' No. No, when I, when I close the front door, I'm...I'm no longer Stewart Pearson. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' When you... :'''Stewart:''' I mean, I mean when I close it from the, from the inside. You know, right. When I close it from the outside, then...then I very much am Stewart Pearson. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' So who are you at home? :'''Stewart:''' Uh, I'm a husband, I'm a -- pardon me, a lover, I'm a carpenter, I'm a cook, I'm a flautist. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' A... :'''Stewart:''' A flautist. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Right. :'''Stewart:''' I play the flute. And I dabble on the Irish bodhrán. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Um, and would you like to express any, uh, remorse for Mr. Tickel's death? What would you like to say to his family? :'''Stewart:''' Uh, I would like to offer them maximum respect, you know? And maximum remorse. And maximum assurance that Mr. Tickel did not die in vain. We're here. You know? How can we make the government and the media inclusive without being intrusive? Yeah? And if we can answer that, at least we can make sure that there are no more Mr. Tickels. ''(Stewart corrects himself)'' I mean--I mean that not in the sense of, you know, wiping out the Tickel family name. I mean it in the sense that nothing like this will ever happen again. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Hello, Mr. Pearson. Tab 28 in your bundle there, page 263. ''(Both turn to that page in their folders.)'' A paper that you presented in 2006, 'The Iconography of Consensus.' Would you care to summarize the argument you present there? :'''Stewart:''' Sure, yeah, the main thrust – :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Bearing in mind Lord Goolding's desire for plainness and clarity. :'''Stewart:''' Right. Okay. I, um, hypothesise that – Sorry. I ''say'' that the design structure for a parliamentary democracy should be that of the [[wikipedia:Centre_Georges_Pompidou|Pompidou Centre]]: Morally and structurally explicit and open, a porous membrane. :'''Lord Goolding:''' Maybe just a little bit plainer, Mr. Pearson? :'''Stewart:''' People should know, er, what politicians are doing. :'''Lord Goolding:''' Brilliant. :'''Stewart:''' Thanks. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Government should be porous? :'''Stewart:''' Yes. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' But not leaking. :'''Stewart:''' Come on, if someone is determined to leak information, there's nothing that anyone can do about that. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' So as Director of Communications, you are unable to prevent sensitive material being communicated to journalists? :'''Stewart:''' If someone chokes on a packet of crisps, do you issue an arrest warrant for [[wikipedia:Gary Lineker|Gary Lineker]]? :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Well, is it fair to say that you have in fact changed nothing, and government communications carries on exactly as they did before, by leaks and whispers? :'''Stewart:''' No, it is not fair to say that. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' In fact, because you disapprove and ''condemn'' these practices, are they not more covert and more hidden and more secret than ever before? :'''Stewart:''' I think that is-is also an unreasonable assertion. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' In spite of your desire to create a political Pompidou Centre, Mr. Pearson, haven't you created the opposite, [[wikipedia:Centre_Point|Centre Point]]? I mean, everybody sees it looming over them but nobody has the faintest idea what happens in there. :'''Stewart:''' ''(calmly, but sarcastically)'' I think there's some kind of club on the top floor. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' So, Mr. Pearson, have you identified the source of the leak of Mr. Tickel's records? :'''Stewart:''' No, no. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Have you ever leaked yourself? :'''Stewart:''' No. No, I was over that pre-Britpop. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Do you have any idea where the leak might have come from? :'''Stewart:''' Well, you know, if this was ''[[CSI: Miami]]'', I guess we'd be looking for the person who'd have most to gain from the leak being made public. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Well, despite your shirt, this isn't ''CSI: Miami''. Who do you think would benefit most from the leak? :'''Stewart:''' Well, I guess I'd be sending [[wikipedia:David_Caruso|David Caruso]] knocking on the door of Mr. Malcolm Tucker. <hr width="50%"/> :''(And now, Malcolm Tucker takes his turn with the Goolding Inquiry.)'' :'''Lord Goolding:''' Can I ask you, "How would you describe yourself?" :'''Malcolm:''' Uh, I'm, uh, a media strategist. :'''Lord Goolding:''' So you would be Stewart Pearson's opposite number? :'''Malcolm:''' Well, uh, I'd be Stewart Pearson's opposite in every possible way, I think. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' You have a lot of control and power over your party, don't you? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(laughs slightly)'' I wish, yes. Uh, no. I think that that's been overstated. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' So this reputation you have as an enforcer, that's completely misrepresenting you, is it? :'''Malcolm:''' It's baloney. Politicians who have to do things that they don't want to do, such as resign, uh...Because they've been caught with their fingers in the till, or, you know, with their knickers up a flagpole or whatever, they sometimes...It's very convenient for them to have a boogeyman. "Malcolm made me do it." Well, I didn't make them do it. These are people who just find themselves stuck in a room with one exit and I simply show them the door. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' I've highlighted some quotes: The ''Guardian'': 'Malcolm Tucker has the physical demeanour and the political instincts of a ''Velociraptor''.<nowiki/>' :'''Malcolm:''' Yes, the ''Guardian'', the newspaper that hates newspapers. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' ''Telegraph''. :'''Malcolm:''' The ''Telegr-arse''. :'''Baroness Sureka'''<nowiki/>''':''' 'Tucker's writ runs through the lifeblood of Westminster like ''r''<nowiki/>''aw alcohol'', at once cleansing and<nowiki/> corroding.' The ''Times'': 'If you<nowiki/> make eye contact with Malcolm Tucker, you have spilled his pint.' The ''Spectator'': '[[wikipedia:Iago|Iago]] with a BlackBerry'; I mean, you're saying these quotes are, what, misguided? :'''Malcolm:''' The ''Spect-hater''. Erm, no, I'm saying that you are not – you're taking these out of context, you're not contextualising these. If you were to<nowiki/> put them into a perspective, if you were to place them into the landscape, you would see that there might be a lot of axes being ground here. I don't see the difference between what you have just done and a leak, by the way. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Well, the difference is that what I've just read out was not obtained illegally. :'''Malcolm:''' How do you know that? You don't know <nowiki/>what confidences have been breached in order to form these ''opinions'', for that is what they are. :'''Ba'''<nowiki/>'''roness Sureka:''' So you accept leaking as part and parcel of the political media machinery? :'''Malcolm:''' Yes, I mean, if you didn't have leaking, the newspapers would just be full of long-lens bikini shots and adverts for sheds and offers to buy three pairs of trousers for a tenner, et cetera, it's just – it's the way it is. Big deal, no one dies. :'''Lord Goolding:''' One person ''did'' die, Mr. Tucker. :''(Malcolm simply gives a "so be it" look.)'' :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Would you tell us how it works? :'''Malcolm:''' You know, you do me a favor, I do you a favor, yeah? :'''Lord Goolding:''' And what might you expect in return? :'''Malcolm:''' Anything. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' What? :'''Malcolm:''' Well, a [[wikipedia:Kit Kat|Kit Kat]], you might get -- I've had a Kit Kat. I've had a, uh, a big meal. :'''Simon Weir:''' Well, I mean, could you give us an example of what you mean? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(going through his notes)'' Um...Well, yes. I...This is the ''Daily Mirror.'' And I could get drummed out of the Magic Circle for showing you this. Anyway, this is the ''Daily Mirror'' about the "Quiet Batpeople", uh, policy of, uh, Mrs. Nicola Murray. ''(Malcolm shows the inquiry committee a picture of the "Quiet Batpeople" headline.)'' I was there that day. You can't see me, because I've been cropped out here. But this information here, I made sure that those notes were in that place, that they were available, and that the picture editor, uh, knew where to find them. :'''Simon Weir:''' Sorry, I'm just trying to...trying to get this clear. Was Mrs. Murray not the subject of huge derision as a result of this? :'''Malcolm:''' Uh, no, she was a subject of huge derision before this. :''(Chuckles emanate from the gallery.)'' :'''Simon Weir:''' You were trying to undermine the leader of your party? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(putting away the picture)'' I was... :'''Simon Weir:''' Would you, would you say you were a loyal man, Mr. Tucker? :'''Malcolm:''' I'm loyal, yes. I'm loyal to my party. And, uh, I feel that Mrs. Murray's policies were turning the party into -- I don't know if you've seen those calendars that have got pictures of dogs that are dressed up, and they've got little dresses and hats on. She was turning my party into that, she was humiliating my party. So I thought it was absolutely vital to focus the public's attention onto that. :'''Simon Weir:''' And yet you maintain that you had great -- I don't know, what, respect for Mrs. Murray as a person. :'''Malcolm:''' Yes, she was a great laugh occasionally, great dancer, she's got terrific hair. She did a good job at DoSAC. A much better job than her successor, who, let's not forget, was playing on a slide when the news of Mr. Tickle's... :'''Simon Weir:''' Yeah, thank you. :'''Malcolm:''' ...death came out. :'''Simon Weir:''' Mr. Tucker, we're well-versed in the events surrounding the... :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. :'''Simon Weir:''' ...the death of Mr. Tickel. ''(beat)'' So, tell me, the PFI email that, uh, led to the, to the resignation of Nicola Murray. Did you, did you engineer that? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(takes a long pause...)'' No. No. ''(beat)'' No I didn't. :'''Simon Weir:''' And, uh, the leaking of Mr. Tickel's health records? Do I mean, do I detect your hand in-in that, for instance? :'''Malcolm:''' No no no no. Look, politics is a war. And politicians, sometimes they lose idealogical limbs, right? They get media shrapnel right in the face. Sometimes they get a bullet right in the brain. Civilians, no. There is no way that I would ever attack a civilian, a real person, and especially not somebody with a history of mental illness. Because ''that'' sort of thing -- makes me queasy. :'''Simon Weir:''' So you're a "ethical" leaker, if you will? :'''Malcolm:''' I use leaking to show up corruption, to show up hypocrisy, to show up idiocy, and also the fourth horseman of the political apocalypse, duplicity. For instance: Fergus Williams. He's coming up next, right? :'''Simon Weir:''' Mmm-hmm. :'''Malcolm:''' This is a guy, he's a member of the junior party in this coalition, right? This guy has already opened a private channel to Dan Miller, the Leader of the Opposition. In order to talk about possibly setting up a coalition with him, because he knows very well that this coalition government that he is lumbered with is being torn to pieces like a bread stick at a picnic. :'''Lord Goolding:''' ''(very upset)'' Mr. Tucker, you have just used this inquiry to commit a leak in front of us! :'''Malcolm:''' I have not committed a leak. Everybody in Westminster knows that these talks have taken place, everyone. You're supposed to be investigating this. You're supposed to be discovering this stuff. Now you cannot not know what I or anyone else tell you, right, you can't not know that. You cannot not know what you now know. :'''Lord Goolding:''' Mr. Tucker, are you familiar with the rules of association football? :'''Malcolm:''' Well, I understand that if you're gonna have an affair, you'd better take precautions, like getting a superinjuction. :'''Lord Goolding:''' ''(sternly)'' I ask you, because this is me giving you a yellow card. You are not to use this inquiry to score political points. :'''Malcolm:''' Sorry, I'm, I apologize. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Fergus Williams takes his turn giving testimony in front of the inquiry.)'' :'''Matthew Hodge:''' ''(to Fergus)'' Did you see Mr. Malcolm Tucker's evidence earlier? :'''Fergus:''' Uh, yeah, I-Uh, uh, I saw it out of the, out of the corner of my eye. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Would you like me to read what he said about you? :'''Fergus:''' Uh, no, that's fine, that was the bit that I saw. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Embarrassing, I imagine? :'''Fergus:''' ''(emabarrassed, but gathering himself)'' Uh, no, not at all. It was, um, almost, uh, flattering, yeah...uh, to get, uh, to get "Tuckered." It's a, it's a rite of passage in-in-in, in politics. Happens to all of us. It's, you know, it's like when you're in a Russian jail, you get your face tattooed. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Mr. Tucker mentioned meetings between you and the Leader of the Opposition. Did these take place? :'''Fergus:''' ''(after a pause)'' They did, yes. Er, myself and, uh, Adam were part of a team who had very general, noncommittal discussions with, amongst others, Mr. Miller. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' And you discussed a potential future coalition with his party and the removal of your own party leader, is that correct? :'''Fergus:''' ''(taken aback)'' Sorry, could I possibly answer that question with another question? I mean, not that question I'm just asking, but a further question? :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Go on. :'''Fergus:''' You do realise that ''you're'' being spun here, you do see that? :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Spun? :'''Fergus:''' 'Cause, you know, Malcolm Tucker's not your common or garden spin doctor, right? No, he's the-he's...he's the chief medical officer of spin – he is Spinoza, you see? So he, he didn't come here in order to answer your questions, he came here in order to get ''you'' to then ask ''his'' questions. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Yeah, right, Mr. Williams, I don't want you to answer a question with another question, I want you to answer it with an answer. :'''Fergus:''' I mean, he's conducting you like, um – Goldie. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Did you talk to Mr. Miller about removing your party leader? :'''Fergus:''' ''(in disbelief)'' Sorry, are you getting Tucker's questions sort of beamed straight into your brain? :'''Lord Goolding:''' ''(firmly)'' Mr. Williams. :''(A short time later...)'' :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Finally, um, on the subject of frustration, would you say it's difficult to steer policy ideas through your department? :'''Fergus:''' ''(stumbling in his testimony)'' Uh, yes, there are, uh...blockages. Uh, there is one person in particular and, well, you know, I don't want to identify her -- or him, if she was a man. Uh, but this particular person, uh, is rather inept and has hampered a lot of our initiatives. And she, or her, or him is, um...very difficult to remove. And so she's a, he is a...they are a stubborn blockage, shall we say, like, you know, when you get hair and soap in a-in a-in a plughole with skin flakes. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' ''(reassuring)'' Thank you. Thank you, Mr. Williams. That's, that's fine. :'''Fergus:''' Sorry, can I just say... :'''Lord Goolding:''' We are very pressed for time, I'm afraid. :'''Fergus:''' Yeah, but I really didn't want the last thing I said... :'''Lord Goolding:''' I'm sorry. :'''Fergus:''' ...to be "skin flakes." :'''Lord Goolding:''' Thank you. <hr width="50%"/> :''(And now, Peter Mannion is discussing Douglas Tickel with the Goolding Inquiry.)'' :'''Simon Weir:''' Uh, when did you first become aware of, uh, Mr. Tickel? :'''Peter:''' When he became the only, um, key worker to refuse our offer of alternative accommodation. Uh, then he sort of dropped off my radar. The next thing I knew he was sewing badges on his tent, and, uh, shouting abuse through a loud hailer. :'''Simon Weir:''' Did you ever feel yourself to be culpable in any way for his, for his homelessness? :'''Peter:''' Look, he-he was homeless only in the sense that he had no home, erm – ''(There are chuckles from the gallery. Peter briefly turns round to them.)'' No, no, a [[wikipedia:Housing_association|Housing Association]] flat was found, which he-he declined. The ''policy'' didn't make him homeless. :'''Lord Goolding:''' The policy of selling off the block of flats where he lived. :'''Peter:''' He made a positive decision to be homeless. It's the difference between being punched in the face and punching yourself in the face. :'''Simon Weir:''' Erm – Why do you think, to use your phrase, he, uh, he punched himself in the face? :'''Peter:''' ''(stammering)'' Why? Well, because he was mentally, er – because he, he, he had, er, mental issues. :'''Simon Weir:''' The email leaked to ''The Guardian,'' uh, which you'll find on pages, uh, 276 to 277 in the-in the evidence...uh, one of your advisers describes Mr. Tickel as, um, "fucking [[wikipedia:Florence Nightingale|Florence Shiteingale]]." Do you not feel that's, uh, a little callous? :'''Peter:''' (dismissively)'' This is-this is, er, rough-and-tumble office banter, er, schoolboy showers stuff. And-and-and schoolgirl showers. Not that -- I mean, not-not literally, but... :''(A few moments later...)'' :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Are you familiar with the phrase "data smuggling"? :'''Peter:''' Data what? :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Um, passing on data from a closed system to an unauthorised source in exchange for money. :'''Peter:''' Oh, yes, right. I see, well it seems everyone's at it. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Are you at it, Mr. Mannion? :'''Peter:''' ''(scoffing)'' No, I'm-I'm-I'm not very good with technology. Uh, the Paper Mate pen is still cutting edge technology as far as I'm concerned. Writes upside-down, you know. :''(Matthew Hodge wants to discuss Douglas Tickel's death with Peter.)'' :'''Matthew Hodge:''' You've told the inquiry that you didn't feel, uh, at all guilty over Mr. Tickel's death. :'''Peter:''' ''(getting defensive)'' Well, I-I-I felt ''bad.'' But-but not ''guilty.'' I-I didn't kill him. I-I've never killed anyone. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Well, no. I mean, noted, but I mean, do you think you could have made a difference, uh, if you had been contactable that day? :'''Peter:''' Why? He wasn't trying to call ''me'', I mean, I-I'm not the [[wikipedia:Samaritans_(charity)|Samaritans]]. In fact, um, uh, apparently, tonally, I-I have a very depressing voice. :''(But WAIT, Peter -- there's more questions!)'' :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Mr. Mannion, do you know Mr. Alistair Leyton, a senior executive at ''The Times''? :'''Peter:''' Yes. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Did you ring Mr. Leyton on the 25th of April to tell him that Mr. Tickel's medical records had been unlawfully obtained, and that this might form the basis of an explosive news story? :'''Peter:''' Did I, uh, ring him on that day, do you mean? I -- Well, I-I can't remember. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Well, did you ring him on any day telling him? :'''Peter:''' ''(trying to assert himself)'' Look, I came into politics to make a difference, to-to ''dare'', to-to get things done, not-not to ''leak'' things, or-or, or ''spin'' or, or ''blag'' or-or...''smuggle'', but-but to ''serve'' with honest, hard work, to ''do''. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' And did you do something? Did you contact your friend at ''The Times''? :'''Peter:''' No, I-I-I didn't do that. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Simon Weir:''' Perhaps we could start by just giving us an idea of what a special adviser does? :'''Emma:''' Erm, er, well, technically, essentially, we just advise a minister. Erm, sort of, media strategies, political strategies, that sort of thing. :'''Simon Weir:''' But you're not permanent members of the Civil Service? :'''Phil:''' Er, no, they're like the, er, the worker ants. We're more like, er – well, not the queens, that would be Peter Mannion and, to a lesser extent, Fergus Williams – we're more like the soldier ants that defend the queens. :'''Simon Weir:''' Would you like to add anything, Mr. Kenyon? :'''Adam:''' Yes, I'm not sure that the ant analogy helps, at all. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Mr. Smith, how would you characterise your relationship with Mr. Kenyon? :'''Phil:''' Well, I think, when you get two silverbacks like Adam and I in a room, there's always going to be a certain amount of chest-beating, but, erm, there's a mutual respect. :''(During Phil's answer, Adam embarrassingly puts his head in his hand.)'' :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Would you agree, Mr. Kenyon? :'''Adam:''' Yes. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Baroness Sureka:''' You yourselves were subject to a leak, weren't you, in the ''Guardian''? How did you feel about the email containing your thoughts about Mr. Tickel's death? :'''Adam:''' Erm, it was shameful, and it was insensitive – :'''Emma:''' Absolutely. :'''Adam:''' – and we would like to apologise for that. It's dreadful. :'''Emma:''' I agree, ''(points to Adam and Phil)'' I mean, their comments were absolutely... unforgivable, mortifying. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' ''(reading)'' 'How many Mr. Tickles does it take to [[wikipedia:Lightbulb_joke|change a light bulb]]? He doesn't have a light bulb, he's in a tent.' 'How do you turn Mr. Tickle into Mr. Happy? [[wikipedia:Lithium_(medication)|Lithium]].' 'What's the difference between Mr. Tickle and [[wikipedia:Lawrence_Oates|Captain Oates]]? Captain Oates has a less stupid name.' Erm, and one I feel that is particularly cruel, Miss Messinger, given Mr. Tickel's mental health issues: 'The fucker's a nutbag'. :'''Emma:''' I'm sor-– It-– That is not okay. Sorry. :'''Phil:''' If I could add a ''mea culpa'' here rather than dancing around it? Others may choose to attempt to wriggle off the hook of shame, but, um, I cannot, I cannot deny that my name is on those emails, and yet I do not recognise that man. It is me, and yet, it is another, and for that I am truly sorry. This has been a humbling moment in my quest to become the man I know I can be. <hr width="50%" /> :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Very good to see you this morning, Infamous Terri Coverley. ''(Terri laughs.)'' Why are you smiling? :'''Terri:''' I'm not smiling. Or rather, I'm smiling, but it's something I do when I'm nervous, erm – :'''Matthew Hodge:''' You have a guilty conscience? :'''Terri:''' No no, no no. No, I don't have a guilty conscience but I do have a guilty face, erm – I do blush a lot and that's a circulation thing, not a moral thing, though I do ''act'' guilty, erm – When I was a child, erm, my brother's hamster was put into a remote control aeroplane, tragic consequences, and, erm, unfortunately I was blamed for that, although I had nothing to do with it, it was that I just looked guilty, so I would ask you to bear that in mind. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Can you explain to us how communications works in government? :'''Terri:''' Well, erm, I use an analogy. Erm, I like to think that dealing with the press is not so much herding ''cats'', it's more herding sheep, and I am the shepherdess, erm, if you like, it's – In order to be an efficient shepherdess, one needs a number of things, I mean – Firstly, one needs a whistle. That's my voice. Secondly, one needs a coat, and that's my coat. And thirdly, one needs a dog, and that in my case is a lady called Robyn.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Simon Weir:''' Would you say that there is a culture of bullying within DoSAC? If I could ask you first, Ms Murdoch. :'''Robyn:''' Erm, I'd say there was a culture of bullying ''me'' at DoSAC. :'''Simon Weir:''' You've experienced bullying there? :'''Robyn:''' Well, you know, I see them all standing around, you know, chattering like squirrels on Red Bull, and when I ask them what they're talking about, they usually bark a tea order at me; or, you know, or call me, er, the blonde bombshite, if I can use that word, or some other horrible sweary thing. :'''Simon Weir:''' That's the form the bullying takes? :'''Robyn:''' And if you refuse to make your boss's tea, you know, they call you [[wikipedia:Mariella_Frostrup|Mariella Shitstrop]]. Or [[wikipedia:Nancy_Sinatra|Flouncy Sinatra]], which doesn't even really work! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Ollie Reeder is ready to deliver his testimony in the inquiry, but first, Lord Goolding makes an important announcement.)'' :'''Lord Goolding:''' As you can see, Baroness Sureka is not with us and will remain absent while she deals with the personal allegations published in ''The Sunday Times.'' This in no way invalidates this inquiry, nor does it compromise the integrity of any questioning conducted by Baroness Sureka. Mr. Hodge. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Thank you. ''(to Ollie)'' Uh, Oliver Reeder, you were a senior adviser to Nicola Murray during her time as Secretary of State at DoSAC. :'''Ollie:''' Yup. I was, uh, ''the'' senior adviser. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Very good, and when Ms. Murray became Leader of the Opposition, uh, you were also one of her senior advisers? :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, again, ''the,'' the senior adviser, yeah. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' I see, and now you're a senior adviser to Mr. Dan Miller? :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, yeah, a slightly less pivotal role with, with Dan, but part of this, kind of, a larger pivot, really. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Mmm-hmm, thank you. Uh, Mr. Reeder, they say that in politics, knowledge is power. :'''Ollie:''' True, yes. Although that doesn't mean that Carol Vorderman should be, uh, Prime Minister. Er...Or I should've, or maybe I should say Stephen Fry, 'cause Carol's just maths, but yeah. :'''Simon Weir:''' You've known, um, Malcolm Tucker for, for, for some years now. :'''Ollie:''' Yes I have, yes. :'''Simon Weir:''' He seems like, uh, an intimidating person. Is he? :'''Ollie:''' Uh, well, I mean, not, not to me. :'''Simon Weir:''' No? :'''Ollie:''' No. Uh, no. Uh, no, although he doesn't, he doesn't suffer fools gladly, I think that's fair to say. Or clever people, to be honest. :'''Simon Weir:''' So he's never, uh, bullied you? :'''Ollie:''' ''(smiling)'' Well, do I-do I look like I could be bullied by Mr. Tucker? I...No. :'''Simon Weir:''' Could you turn to Tab 9? You'll find it in your, in your folder there. Yeah. Um, we have some, uh, some quotes here: Some, uh, evidence of-from several civil servants who all independently suggest that, uh, Mr. Tucker, in fact, regularly ''did'' bully you. 'Mr. Tucker threatened to remove Mr. Reeder's appendix, throw away Mr. Reeder, and appoint the useless flap of colon as special adviser.' :'''Ollie:''' Yeah. Well that's – yes. ''(laughs)'' That's banter. :'''Simon Weir:''' 'Mr. Tucker told Mr. Reeder that he would have him smothered, eviscerated, stuffed, ''(Ollie laughs)'' fitted with wheels, and donated to an orphanage.' :'''Ollie:''' That's, what – 'Cause this is out of context, what you don't have there is my reply. And so, you know, it's just him. :'''Simon Weir:''' And what was that? :'''Ollie:''' Er – Well, I don't remember what it was on this occasion, but it would have been a, you know, it would have been a zinger, because I gave as good as I got, so... :'''Simon Weir:''' Very good. :'''Ollie:''' So it's not bullying. :'''Simon Weir:''' Is there anything about the leaking of the so-called, uh, PFI email that you feel that this inquiry should, should be aware of? :'''Ollie:''' Oh God, um...I mean, I'm...I mean, to be brutally frank, I'm struggling to remember here, but... :'''Simon Weir:''' Well, please take your time. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, of course. :'''Simon Weir:''' There's no hurry. :'''Ollie:''' Of course, yeah. I mean, I think, you know, what you have to remember in this instance is that on the day that all of that stuff took place, um, I was in hospital. So I'm, you know, I was cut off, essentially. I didn't have a phone... :'''Simon Weir:''' I mean, I hadn't mentioned, uh, the use of a phone, I mean... :'''Ollie:''' Yes, no, I know. I'm simply saying I was... :'''Simon Weir:''' You weren't working remotely from the hospital? :'''Ollie:''' ''(stammering)'' No, no, not remotely. Um, uh...In-in-in either sense. No. :'''Simon Weir:''' Did you have any visitors? :'''Ollie:''' Erm... :'''Simon Weir:''' You must be able to remember that. :''(Ollie's still drawing a blank.)'' :'''Lord Goolding:''' Well, if you're not completely sure, Mr. Reeder, we can always check with the visitors' records. :'''Ollie:''' Well, don't -- let's not do that, um, let's not do that for the moment. Let me just...just give-bear with me. Er...but I...did, yes. I think I was visited by, um, by colleagues from the office. :'''Lord Goolding:''' Can you give us a name? :'''Ollie:''' Um...Uh, Malcolm is a name, is, um...is his name. Malcolm's name. Malcolm. Malcolm Tucker visited me. :'''Simon Weir:''' Um, I'm assuming this wasn't a social visit. What did, uh...What did he want? What did Mr. Tucker want? :'''Ollie:''' ''(getting anxious again)'' He wanted to...Wait, okay...I mean, I'm really-I'm -- I'm anxious, I'm keen, I'm trying my best to answer your, uh, questions truthfully, but... :'''Simon Weir:''' I should remind you you are under oath, Mr. -- :'''Ollie:''' Absolutely, yes, I'm under oath, so this is...But, but...uh, what you have to understand is everybody has something on everyone here, right? So in this circumstance, if you inadvertently say or do something, um, uh, you know, that you shouldn't, then that's it. That's it, that's it. It's done. Your career is done. You know, look what happened to, um, a member of this inquiry, right? So you have to... :'''Lord Goolding:''' Mr. Reeder, this is not the place to discuss those allegations. :'''Ollie:''' No, of course, of course. :'''Simon Weir:''' Mr. Reeder, if you feel -- You feel under pressure, am I right? Is that because of something that you know? :'''Ollie:''' ''(still stammering)'' Yes. Well, no. Uh -- General pressure, I feel under a sort of -- Just that, it's the jitters of work. :'''Lord Goolding:''' Who leaked the email, Mr. Reeder? :'''Ollie:''' Glenn Cullen. Er, he was in DoSAC at the time and he, uh, still had access to the email and he hated his life. And he, he, you know, he hated Nicola Murray because she'd previously destroyed his chances of standing as an MP. :'''Lord Goolding:''' Most helpful, Glenn Cullen is our next witness. Most interesting, thank you. :'''Ollie:''' Oh, well, okay. :'''Lord Goolding:''' That's fine, thank you. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Baroness Sureka has successfully returned to the inquiry, and Glenn Cullen is ready to give his testimony.)'' :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Mr. Cullen. I wonder if I could start by taking you back to that time two years ago, you left Nicola Murray and you went to work for Fergus Williams. :'''Glenn:''' Yes, yes I did, that's right. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' And then you found yourself, um, in a coalition with the very party that you opposed. That must have been extremely distressing. :'''Glenn:''' Uh, no, not at all, as a matter of fact. I-I was very invigorated by the idea of, uh, trying to forge a new way in politics. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Mmm-hmm, so all was rosy? :'''Glenn:''' Well, um -- I can't think of any negatives. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' No friction? :'''Glenn:''' No, the only "F" word was "Fun." :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Thank you, Mr. Cullen. Thank you. :'''Simon Weir:''' Uh, Mr. Cullen, would you say there's a culture of leaking in the government? :'''Glenn:''' Yes, I would. Yes, leaking and lying. :'''Simon Weir:''' To your knowledge, have any of your colleagues lied to this inquiry? :'''Glenn:''' Well, I mean, that's a bit like asking, you know, um -- "Does a cow drink milk?" :'''Simon Weir:''' Does it? :'''Glenn:''' Probably. But what I meant to say was, yes, um, my colleagues lie constantly. It's a...professional necessity. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Have you ever leaked, Mr. Cullen? :'''Glenn:''' First of all, may I just say, uh, welcome back, Baroness Sureka. Big hugs. I'm sure I speak for everyone here when I say that we're all thinking of you... :'''Baroness Sureka:''' I'd rather you, um, swapped the ham-fisted flattery for actually answering my question, which was, "Have you ever leaked?" :'''Glenn:''' Right. No, it's a very simple question and it's got a very simple answer. No, I haven't. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Um, you'll be aware of Ollie Reeder's testimony to the inquiry where he said that, uh, you were, in fact, responsible for the PFI leak. :'''Glenn:''' Yes I am. ''(Glenn quickly corrects himself.)'' By which I mean to say I am aware of, of that. But gosh, you've got to be careful what you say here, haven't you? :'''Matthew Hodge:''' You most certainly do, Mr. Cullen. Let's hope we're both up to it. Is there any truth at all to Mr. Reeder's accusations? :'''Glenn:''' Absolutely none whatsoever. He's talking out of hi -- Out of his other cheeks, if you... :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Why would Oliver Reeder suggest that you were behind the PFI email leak, then? :'''Glenn:''' I've absolutely no idea. It's very difficult for me to get into the mindset of somebody so entirely self-serving and, um...spiritually ugly. I mean, anyone who's been unfortunate enough to have come across Ollie Reeder will know that he is a genuinely...atrocious person. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Do you believe Mr. Reeder was trying to cover himself, in that case? :'''Glenn:''' Well, I do believe he has the emotional tools for the task. Yes, certainly. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Do you believe that Ollie Reeder was behind the leak? :'''Glenn:''' ''(after a long pause...)'' No. You see...a-a leak of this magnitude would require one essential item that Ollie lacks. And that's a spine. He is a man without a spine. He is a man-worm. He's a writhing mollusk without any strategies or convictions. He-he simply slimes his way into the nearest crack every night, and I would like to put on record that I apologize to this committee for being the man who brought him into the world of politics. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lord Goolding:''' Thank you for returning to this inquiry, Mr. Tucker. :'''Malcolm:''' That's no problem. I had a hair appointment, but I think they can fit me in next week. :'''Lord Goolding:''' There's no need to be so flippant about this inquiry. :'''Malcolm:''' Well, it's just, you know, you keep asking me the same questions, I can't really help it if you don't like the answers. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Maybe you can try a little harder in answering. I'm amazed you stayed at the top of politics for quite so long with such apparently poor powers of recall. :'''Malcolm:''' Well, maybe it's my age – it's good to see you back, by the way. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Thank you, nice to see you too. :'''Lord Goolding:''' At your last appearance at this inquiry, you admitted that you have leaked, is that correct? :'''Malcolm:''' Well, everyone leaks: many many people who have appeared here in front of you have leaked, but they've just lied about it to you. :'''Simon Weir:''' Mr. Tucker, that's an incredibly serious charge; do you have any evidence to substantiate that allegation? :'''Malcolm:''' Will you forgive me if I don't do your job for you? Because if you can't spot a sprayed-on halo of someone doing a "what, me guv?" panto act, then maybe you shouldn't be sitting behind that desk. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' At your last appearance we asked you very specifically how you came by Mr. Tickel's NHS number and National Insurance number, and you could not recall. Have you had any more time to think about it? :'''Malcolm:''' Yes, I have. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' And could you tell us any more? :'''Malcolm:''' No. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' You've got no recollection at all? :'''Malcolm:''' No. And by the way, you should not be talking to me about this because you've been a victim of leaking, a very unfortunate victim, and I have every sympathy with you, but how can you possibly give me a fair hearing when you've been a victim of the very crime that you are accusing me of? You are prejudiced; this entire inquiry, therefore, is prejudiced. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' I can see what you're doing, it smacks of desperation and it will not work. :'''Malcolm:''' Does it? No, listen, there you go again, see, that's you, you're just rushing to judgement. You are totally discredited here. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' I am obliged to remind you, Mr. Tucker, that you are under oath, and if you lie to this inquiry, it may result in a criminal prosecution. :'''Malcolm:''' Sorry, please don't insult my intelligence by acting as if you're all so naive that you don't know how this all works. Everybody in this room has bent the rules to get in here, because you don't get in this room without bending the rules. You don't get to where ''you'' are without bending the rules, that's the way it is. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Mr. Tucker, I am going to give you one more chance to respond to my question. How did you acquire Mr. Tickel's NHS number and his National Insurance number? :'''Malcolm:''' Who said I acquired it? :'''Baroness Sureka:''' A photograph. :'''Malcolm:''' No no, the photograph shows me holding it. It doesn't show me acquiring it. You'd have to ask the person that gave me the folder. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Who gave you the folder? :'''Malcolm:''' I don't remember. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' You are being deliberately evasive. :'''Malcolm:''' ... I – I don't recall, you know, I don't know, I can't remember. :'''Lord Goolding:''' Very well. Regardless of how you came by Mr. Tickel's mental health records, did you then leak them to the media? :'''Malcolm:''' I can't recall. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' So that's not a denial? :'''Malcolm:''' ''Je ne remember rien.'' :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Well, if you can't recall, it leaves open the possibility that you did leak them. :'''Malcolm:''' Let me tell you this. The whole planet's leaking, everybody is leaking! You know? Everyone's spewing up their guts onto the internet, putting up their relationship status and photos of their [[wikipedia:Vajazzle|vajazzles]]! We've come to a point where there are people, ''millions'' of people, who are quite happy to trade a kidney in order to go on television! And to show people their knickers, to show people their skid marks, and then complain to ''[[wikipedia:OK!|OK!]]'' magazine about a breach of privacy! The exchange of private information – that is what drives our economy. But, you come after me because you can't arrest a landmass, can you? You can't cuff a country. You might as well just go and – you can't lynch that guy there, can you? But you decide that you can sit there, you can judge and you can ogle me like a [[wikipedia:Page_3|Page 3]] girl. You don't like it? Well, you don't like yourself. You don't like your species, and you know what? Neither do I, but how ''dare'' you come and lay this at my door! How ''dare'' you blame ME -- for THIS! Which is the result of a political class, which has given up on morality and simply pursues popularity at all costs. I am you and you are me. :'''Lord Goolding:''' Are you finished? :'''Malcolm:''' Ah, I'm finished anyway. You didn't finish me. :'''Lord Goolding:''' Would you like to stand down? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(getting up and walking out)'' Thanks, m'Lord.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Simon Weir:''' Although you did previously describe yourself as a shepherdess. ''(Robyn laughs)'' Now, did you have something to add to that? :'''Robyn:''' I just – Shepherdess, did she say – ''(to Terri)'' Did you say shepherdess? :'''Terri:''' Yes, I was giving an analogy – I mean, to be fair, erm, perhaps it would have been more accurate for me to describe myself as a sheep in shepherdess's clothing. Do you follow? :'''Simon Weir:''' Er, no, not completely, no. :'''Robyn:''' The shepherdess analogy's floored him.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Your own privacy is important to you. :'''Stewart:''' Yeah, absolutely, I have a meditation room at home. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Well, you know, I think we all have one of those at home. :''(all chuckle)'' :'''Stewart:''' Oh, right, er – do you mean a toilet? Yeah, 'cause I'm talking about a dedicated meditation room. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' I see. :'''Stewart:''' Although it did actually use to be a toilet, it made it easier to plumb in the waterfall.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Matthew Hodge:''' In less figurative terms, what is the nature of your job? :'''Terri:''' Well, I don't like to toot my own trumpet, as they say, but I like to think of myself as God: erm, I fashion DoSAC in mine own image, er, to quote the Bible. ''(looks for the Bible on her desk)'' Erm, that's in the Bible, isn't it? :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Sorry, what exactly do you mean? :'''Lord Goolding:''' I'm not sure I follow you. :'''Terri:''' Oh, well I'm – Sorry. Erm, I'm a translator. Um, I translate, from the outside world, things that come into the department, and vice versa. :'''Lord Goolding:''' So are you saying you change what you hear? You manipulate? :'''Terri:''' No no no, it's a bit, erm – ''[[wikipedia:Songs_of_Praise|Songs of Praise]]''. There's a deaf and dumb lady doing deaf and dumb language. :'''Lord Goolding:''' Sign language? :'''Terri:''' Yes, well it's like that, I take the ugly words, and I translate them, as it were, into a beautiful gesture. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' If I'm to understand you correctly, you stop information going to and from your department, and you change what that information is. :'''Terri:''' No no no, I ''didn't'', I didn't say that – :'''Matthew Hodge:''' No, on the contrary, you ''did'' say that. :'''Terri:''' No, er –<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Lord Goolding:''' You can understand how suspicion might fall upon you, given your antipathy to Mrs. Murray as a leader. :'''Malcolm:''' Nicola's real name is 'If Wet Nicola Murray'; if she worked for the West End, her name would always be preceded by the words, 'Tonight the role of Mary Poppins will be taken by' Nicola Murray. Because she's basically an understudy who got lucky, she got on, she got to play the lead. But she wet herself, she was too frightened, and she went home crying, you know; it happens. ==Series 4, Episode 7== :''(In this scene, the phone in Peter's office keeps running, and he keeps picking up the phone -- only to hang up without really answering. While he's doing this, Phil enters Peter's office.)'' :'''Peter:''' Look, Phil. Every petty criminal in the country is in a holding pattern, because that barrel of cocks at the Home Office can't process their arrests quick enough. ''(Peter disconnects his phone.)'' So why am I the one who has to gimp himself out all day to Martha Kearney and Eddie Mair? :'''Phil:''' Because since the inquiry, DoSAC looks toxic and weak, and they're just trying to pile all the government's ills on top of us. :'''Peter:''' Who's fault's that, Phil? :'''Phil:''' I've said I'm sorry about the inquiry, okay? I started writing you a letter but it just seemed pretentious. Look, if it's any consolation, I haven't felt that humiliated since my trunks fell down at the school [[wikipedia:Swimming_gala|swimming gala]]. :'''Peter:''' It's of absolutely no consolation to think of you naked in front of 500 boys. :'''Emma:''' ''(walking in, on her phone)'' Yeah, absolutely, Trevor. OK, yeah, drinks soon. Yeah, you too. OK, bye. ''(hangs up)'' Oh, God! I just felt my ovaries cringe. I'm trying to flirt our way out of this police backlog.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Phil:''' I thought we weren't talking to [[wikipedia:The_Proclaimers|The Proclaimers]]. :'''Peter:''' We have to play happy families for Mary, pretend I don't actually want to strangle Fergus's bollocks so they look like glacé cherries. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Emma:''' You are telling me that you have been running parts of this country, Terri. What the fuck are you trying to do, [[wikipedia:2012_phenomenon|prove the Mayans right]]? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' Meanwhile, an unarrested feral underclass has gone [[wikipedia:Mad_Max_(franchise)|Mad Max]], and police station waiting rooms are heaving like the hedgehog carvery at a gypsy wedding.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Stewart:''' Ah, Peter. This ''[[Wars of the Roses|War of the Roses]]'' with the Home Office? It ends now. We want a united realm. There's no vision in division. :'''Peter:''' Well, yes there is; ''(looks to Fergus's office)'' anyway, tell [[wikipedia:Perkin_Warbeck|Perkin Warbeck]] over there. :'''Stewart:''' OK people, could we briefly form a coherent group? :'''Terri:''' Mary Drake is in the building, she's on her way up. :'''Stewart:''' OK...Shields up, guys; Centurions, we're forming a [[wikipedia:Testudo_formation|tortoise]]. :''(Adam approaches Terri, and he's holding a ThinkSocially pamphlet in his hand.)'' :'''Adam:''' ''(to Terri)'' Okay. Terri, ThinkSocially. Did I sign off on this? Because I hadn't heard of ThinkSocially until I said it just then. :'''Terri:''' Okay, uh... :'''Adam:''' So what is it? :'''Terri:''' Simple explanation. :'''Adam:''' Love to hear it. :''(But as Terri gets ready to explain, Mary Drake from the Home Office has arrived at DoSAC...and she's not happy.)'' :'''Peter:''' ''(moaning)'' Oh, God. Here-Here's Mary. Bunch up, everyone, so she doesn't see the corpses. :''(Peter then hides in his office.)'' :'''Emma:''' Look, synchronize lies, all right? ''(Emma approaches Mary and shakes her hand.)'' Mary, hi. Hi, Emma, we met at the away day. I so enjoyed our, our mood play. :'''Mary:''' Yes, you actually did, didn't you? ''(to Terri)'' Oh, you must be the legendary Terri. ''(Mary shakes Terri's hand)'' I've heard a great deal about you. :'''Terri:''' Oh, oh, please, don't, uh, don't believe everything that you hear. :'''Mary:''' ''(sharply)'' I fully intend not to. ''(to Stewart)'' Stewart. Chakras balanced? :'''Fergus:''' Uh, sorry. Tiny bit of, uh, housekeeping. ''(to Terri)'' Terri, um, uh, ThinkSocially? Uh, just checking in on that. :'''Terri:''' Yes. Yes, it's a go thing. Double-stamped, yes. :''(Peter emerges from his office and greets Mary with an uneasy smile.)'' :'''Peter:''' Mary! Great to see you again. :'''Mary:''' ''(flatly)'' I'm here in an angry capacity. :'''Peter:''' Ah! The cream in our coffee, Mary. :'''Mary:''' ''(to all)'' The message from the Home Office is this: Move away from the backlog. There's nothing to see. Let the police do their jobs, let us do ours. :'''Fergus:''' Sorry to be, uh, ''contrary,'' Mary, but Peter and I have just been discussing this very issue. :'''Mary:''' Shut up! Let me tell you something now: DoSAC is one rat's whisker away from being shut down and subsumed by the Home Office, and put in charge of cocking up the tea run! And I like mine weak, and white. Like my men. ''(leaves)'' :'''Peter:''' Stewart, any thoughts from within your fucking dream yurt? :'''Stewart:''' I will go and try and de-frag this situation, but I am staying strictly macro. ''(leaves)'' :'''Adam:''' Subtitles, you need subtitles! :'''Fergus:''' ''(to Terri)'' Sorry, erm, ThinkSocially. Terri, would you mind explaining ''rationally'' why I appear to be giving a ringing endorsement to a piece of shit that I've never even heard of? :'''Terri:''' It's not my fault, it's the-it's the double-stamping nonsense, that's the reason. :'''Adam:''' Oh, really? Because right now, I want to double-stamp on your fucking throat. :'''Terri:''' I'm gonna take that seriously as a physical threat! :'''Adam:''' You know, one of the many many things that baffles me about you is you remain unmurdered! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Ollie is entering Malcolm's office.)'' :'''Ollie:''' M. Tucker. :'''Malcolm:''' Ollie. Um...We need to have a little chat. :'''Ollie:''' You're not splitting up with me, are you? Because I'm pregnant and it's quads, so, you know...You're not laughing. :'''Malcolm:''' Well, I'm laughing on the inside. Which is a tad ironic, because I'm leaving here in five minutes to get arrested. :'''Ollie:''' Hang on. Sorry...Uh, you're gonna be arrested at the exact same time that Dan Miller's doing his Lewisham walkabout? :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. But I'm going to Brentford where nobody will be watching me, because they'll all be with him. :'''Ollie:''' So, the Leader of the Opposition is going to be filmed at a police station at the exact moment that his Head of Communications is being arrested. Yes, okay, great, great, so that's a sack full of face-chewing rats, thank you very much. :'''Malcolm:''' Look, it's – This is what you have to deal with, right? It's just another day at the fuck office. :'''Ollie:''' So now I have to step into your shoes, but ''after'' you've shat in them. :'''Malcolm:''' Ollie, look at me! I'm not pulling anything out of a magic hat. The rabbits are falling to pieces, their fucking heads are coming off and frightening the kids. So somebody else is going to have to help out. :'''Ollie:''' Well, who says I even want to be you, Malcolm? Who says that? :'''Malcolm:''' Nobody says that. Except every screaming atom of that etiolated stick of fuck you call a body says that. Every fibre of your being, every stamen...says that. But you are not me, Ollie. :'''Ollie:''' No. :'''Malcolm:''' And you never will be me. I knew Malcolm F. Tucker, sir...and you are no Malcolm Fucking Tucker. You're not even fucking Manchester's top Malcolm Tucker tribute band. And trying to be me? ''You?!'' Trying to be me will fucking kill you. I give you 18 months before you're a washed out, weeping, alcoholic. With no fucking bladder control. Sleeping on your brother-in-law's sofa. :'''Ollie:''' And so on, and so on. It doesn't have to be like that, now, Malcolm. Politics has actually changed, right? :'''Malcolm:''' Oh? :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, yeah! Yeah, and you probably haven't noticed because you've been on transmit for the last fucking eight years: "Wah wah wah wah wah!" And whilst you've been doing that, everybody else has been changing, and it's all a bit softcore now, it's all about algorithms now. You don't have to be Malcolm Tucker to sit in that chair. :'''Malcolm:''' Oh, how quickly they grow up. You fucking think you know me? :'''Ollie:''' Well, yeah. Yeah, I know you. :'''Malcolm:''' You know [[wikipedia:Jackie Chan|Jackie fucking Chan]] about me. YOU KNOW FUCK ALL ABOUT ME! ''I'' am totally beyond the realms of your fucking tousle-haired, fucking dimwitted compre-fucking-hension! I don’t just take this fucking job home, you know. I take this job home, it fucking ties me to the bed, and it fucking fucks me from arsehole to breakfast. Then it wakes me up in the morning with a cup full of ''piss'' slung in my face, slaps me about the chops, to make sure I’m awake enough so it can kick me in the fucking bollocks! This job has taken me in every hole in my fucking body! MALCOLM IS GONE, you can't know Malcolm, 'cause Malcolm is not here! Malcolm fucking left the building fucking years ago! This is a fucking husk! I am a fucking host for this fucking job! Do you want this job? :'''Ollie:''' ... Yes. :'''Malcolm:''' Yes! You ''do'' fucking want this job! Then you're gonna have to fucking swallow this whole fucking life and let it grow inside you like a parasite, getting bigger and bigger and bigger until it fucking eats your insides alive and it stares out of your eyes and tells you what to do! :'''Ollie:''' Malcolm, this sounds like the fucking video you leave on YouTube after you've blown your brains out! :'''Malcolm:''' I'm as dead as fucking [[wikipedia:Two-tone_(music_genre)|two-tone]]. But I can fashion my own exit. :'''Ollie:''' Oh, Christ. What, are you gonna [[wikipedia:Suicide_tourism#Switzerland|fly to Switzerland]] and have a wank off a nurse and a bye-bye pill, are you? :'''Malcolm:''' Funny, funny man. Political exit. :'''Ollie:''' No, I know. :'''Malcolm:''' I'm gonna leave the stage with my head held fucking high, right? What you're going to see is a masterclass in fucking dignity, son. The audience will be on their feet. "There he goes," they'll say. "No friends - no real friends - no children, no glory, no memoirs." ... Well, fuck them. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Nicola has discovered that Declan, the journalist due to interview her, is the man behind 'Mr Chop'!)'' :'''Nicola:''' I am, uh...ever so close to being on the verge of bawling my fucking eyes out' disappointed about this. I mean, this was it, was it? What was the alternative, going on Strictly Come Dancing and doing a fucking hooky waltz with [[wikipedia:Abu_Hamza_al-Masri|Abu Hamza]]? This is pretty low. This is lower than my mother's pelvic floor, Helen. :'''Helen:''' I had to virtually go on the game to get you this. So, frankly, I don't care whether he wants to roll around in applesauce with you. Get in there and do as you're told. :'''Nicola:''' ''(taking a breath)'' Right. I will go, because I'm choosing to go in. But I just need you to know for the record... :'''Helen:''' Just get in there before I push you in. <hr width="50%"/> :''(At [[wikipedia:Lewisham|Lewisham]] Police Station, where private contractors have reduced the arrest backlog.)'' :'''Dan:''' Ollie, what the fuck are we doing here? Everything's fine. I'm like lube at a funeral. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah. I can't believe it but DoSAC have actually turned this around, they've [[wikipedia:Apollo_13|Apollo 13]]'d it. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm and his lawyer are trying to get out of [[wikipedia:Brentford|Brentford]] Police Station. They come across a policeman escorting a prisoner.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' 'Scuse me, is there another way out of here? :'''Prisoner:''' You could hang yourself. :'''Malcolm:''' Fuck off! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm and his lawyer are running away from reporters to their taxi, but it drives off)'' :'''Malcolm:''' HEY! GET THE FUCK BACK HERE! ''(the taxi stops and they get in)'' Jesus Christ! Go! Go go go! ''(the taxi drives off)'' You fucking drive off like that again, and I'll stick your meter so far down your throat you'll be able to tell the price of your next ''shit''. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Glenn:''' Come out, everyone! Tally-ho, yoo-hoo! Come on, bring out your fucking dead! Right, everybody listen, I've got an announcement to make, erm... :'''Phil:''' What is it, you got an erection? :'''Glenn:''' No. I would like to tell you all that I'm resigning! :'''Phil:''' Is that it? :'''Glenn:''' No, you closeted [[wikipedia:Regency_era|Regency]] homosexual, that is not it. Morally, this department is in the gutter! :'''Fergus:''' Thanks for the speech, Glenn, but we have work – :'''Glenn:''' ''(grabs a desktop lamp)'' YOU STAY AND TAKE YOUR PUNISHMENT! I will lamp you, with a lamp! :'''Terri:''' Glenn, you've gone a tiny bit psychotic, my love. :'''Glenn:''' ''(puts down the lamp)'' You, Fergus, when you asked me to join you, all you had was your principles, but over the last two years, you've bent like a human fucking palm tree, swaying to the guff of these six-toed born-to-rule pony-fuckers. :'''Adam:''' If you're gonna go, just go. Spare us this [[Network (film)|Peter Finch bullshit]]. :'''Glenn:''' Oh! Adam, you're waiting for your turn! Oh no! I remember, it's your turn right now! :'''Adam:''' Brilliant. Bring it. :'''Glenn:''' You are simply the most loathsome human being I have ever met. :'''Adam:''' Yep. :'''Glenn:''' You were so well-suited at the ''Mail'', it's a shame you came over here! :'''Emma:''' Hear, hear! ''(she and Phil clap)'' :'''Glenn:''' Do you know what? I hate you both: [[wikipedia:Tweedledum_and_Tweedledee|Tweedle-twat and Tweedle-prick]]! You contribute absolutely ''nothing'' to the world, so thank fucking God you have ''no power!'' :'''Fergus:''' Er, we do actually, it's – :'''Glenn:''' No, you don't. And Peter: it's been dreadful. I hope your cock falls off. Phil, do you know what you are? You're like an eight-year-old trapped in a twelve-year-old's body. :'''Phil:''' ''(gleefully)'' This is great! Why isn't anyone filming this? :'''Glenn:''' And Emma. :'''Phil:''' Yeah, yeah, do Emma, do Emma! :'''Glenn:''' Yeah, Emma, I'm sorry, you're just a standard-issue insipid posh bitch. That's it! Terri? ''(takes a pair of scissors)'' :'''Phil:''' Oh, whoa, whoa. :'''Glenn:''' I don't think I've ever met anyone quite so proud, and yet quite so useless. But I do have to thank you, ''(takes his pass and cuts it up)'' because I have managed to stay in shape, purely though the energy I spend in pitying you every day! :'''Terri:''' Glenn, you're just embarrassing yourself. :'''Glenn:''' Fuck you all up the wrong 'un! Ta ta! Bye bye! ''(leaves)'' :'''Phil:''' That was better than IMAX ''[[Inception (film)|Inception]]''. :'''Emma:''' Poor, poor Glenn! :'''Peter:''' Should we try and get him back? :'''Emma:''' Fuck, no. He's gone completely mental! :'''Adam:''' He's gone Glenn-tal. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm's last line)'' :'''Malcolm:''' I want to say something. I want to say something! ''(long silence)'' It doesn't matter. <hr width="50%"/> :''(As the Team DoSAC Coalition is celebrating Malcolm's arrest -- with some booze, no less -- Mary Drake returns with some big news.)'' :'''Mary:''' ''(to Peter)'' Drinking on the job, Peter? Why not? You've already got the efficiency of a man who's half cut. :'''Peter:''' Oh, then I must have dreamt that, uh, my idea had ''successfully reduced the arrest backlog?'' :'''Mary:''' DoSAC did do rather well today, uh, actually. :'''Terri:''' Thank you. :'''Mary:''' But there's a conspicuous blockage that will lead to a personnel change. :''(Mary then turns to Stewart, who's sitting on the floor.)'' :'''Mary:''' ''(to Stewart)'' Stewart. You're out. You're gonna be pickled in a think tank. :'''Terri:''' What? :'''Stewart:''' ''(scoffing)'' Of course I am, Mary. And whose authority is this coming from, hmm? :'''Mary:''' The PM, whilst acknowledging the need for thoughts, is keener on actions these days. I'm gonna be providing those. Stewart, there's no need for you to clear your desk, because you're a walking thought pod, aren't you? :'''Stewart:''' ''(calm, but clearly unhappy)'' Absolutely. Thank you very much...Thanks, um... :''(But then, Stewart launches one last razor sharp parting shot.)'' :'''Stewart:''' You know, I've spent ''ten'' years detoxifying this party, hmmm? It's been a bit like renovating an old, old house, yeah? You can take out a sexist beam here, a callous window there, replace the odd homophobic roof tile. ''(Stewart finally gets up.)'' But after a while you realise that this renovation is doomed. Because the foundations are built on what I can only describe as a solid bed of ''cunts.'' <hr width="50%"/> :''(This is the show's closing line.)'' :'''Peter:''' What a shit day! == Cast == '''The Government''' * [[w:Peter Capaldi|Peter Capaldi]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Malcolm Tucker]] * [[w:Paul Higgins (actor)|Paul Higgins]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Jamie McDonald]] * [[w:Alex MacQueen|Alex MacQueen]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Julius Nicholson]] * [[w:Rebecca Front|Rebecca Front]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Nicola Murray]] * [[w:|Eve Matheson]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Clare Ballentine]] * [[w:Justin Edwards|Justin Edwards]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Ben Swain]] * [[w:Rory Kinnear|Rory Kinnear]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Ed]] * [[w:Tony Gardner|Tony Gardner]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Dan Miller]] * [[w:James Smith|James Smith]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Glenn Cullen]] * [[w:Chris Addison|Chris Addison]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Oliver "Ollie" Reeder]] * [[w:Rob Edwards|Rob Edwards]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Geoff Holhurst]] '''Her Majesty's Civil Service''' * [[w:Joanna Scanlan|Joanna Scanlan]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Terri Coverley]] * [[w:Polly Kemp|Polly Kemp]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Robyn Murdoch]] '''The Opposition''' * [[w:Vincent Franklin|Vincent Franklin]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Stewart Pearson]] * [[w:Roger Allam|Roger Allam]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Peter Mannion]] * [[w:Olivia Poulet|Olivia Poulet]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Emma Messinger]] * [[w:Will Smith (comedian)|Will Smith]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Phil Smith]] '''The Media''' * [[w:Ben Willbond|Ben Willbond]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Adam Kenyon]] * [[w:Lucinda Raikes|Lucinda Raikes]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Angela Heaney]] '''Former Characters''' * [[w:Chris Langham|Chris Langham]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Hugh Abbot]] * [[w:Tim Bentinck|Tim Bentinck]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Cliff Lawton]] * [[w:Martin Savage|Martin Savage]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Nick Hanway]] * [[w:Rebecca Gethings|Rebecca Gethings]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Helen Hatley]] * [[w:Geoffrey Streatfeild|Geoffrey Streatfeild]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Fergus Williams]] == External links == {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title|id=0459159|title=The Thick Of It}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Thick of It, The}} [[Category:BBC shows]] [[Category:Cancelled shows]] [[Category:Political satirical TV shows]] [[Category:UK sitcoms]] [[Category:UK workplace comedy TV shows]] jcodkq4oygid91hprdv7kishv0tlsyt 3153125 3153121 2022-08-10T03:10:36Z Mr. Brain 3009526 /* Series 3, Episode 3 */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:The Thick of It|The Thick of It]]''''' is a British sitcom, satirising the inner workings of modern government, that finished its fourth (and final) series in October 2012. It stars [[wikipedia:Peter Capaldi|Peter Capaldi]] as spin doctor [[wikipedia:Malcolm Tucker|Malcolm Tucker]]. See also ''[[In The Loop]]'', a spin-off feature film. ==Series 1, Episode 1== :''(Malcolm Tucker's first line.)'' :'''Malcolm Tucker:''' ''(on his phone, in Cliff Lawton's office)'' No, he's useless. He's absolutely useless. He is, he's useless, he's as useless as a marzipan dildo. All right. Got to go. Minister's just walked in. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm Tucker has just told Cliff Lawton, the head of the Department of Social Affairs, that he has to resign as Minister.)'' :'''Cliff Lawton:''' Malcolm, look, um – if you do this, it's the bollocks of the jungle out there, you know? They're like wolves. Pissed wolves. :'''Malcolm Tucker:''' I've made the announcement: I've told [[wikipedia:The_Lobby|the Lobby]] you're going, Cliff. :'''Cliff:''' You've told the Lobby I'm going? :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. Sorry, Cliff. :'''Cliff:''' Minister. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, get used to Cliff. I've booked you in for the usual soapy tit-wank farewell at Number 10, in 20 minutes. Also drafted you a letter of resignation: gives you the chance to say that you're jumping before you're pushed, although obviously we're gonna be briefing that you ''were'' pushed, sorry. :'''Cliff:''' Um...Look, tell you what. You don't need to do all of this. What about Tom? Everybody knows he's fucking up Transport. :'''Malcolm:''' We can't sack Tom at Transport. We can't lose anyone at Transport, they're important. :'''Cliff:''' What? And Social Affairs isn't? :'''Malcolm:''' OK, the Department of Social for Commercial Affairs is very important, but it's not Transport. Transport's cars, buses, trucks. :'''Cliff:''' I KNOW WHAT TRANSPORT FUCKING ENTAILS! :''(Malcolm gives Cliff his infamous "bollocking stare.")'' :'''Cliff:''' Look, look...Look. I'll look at it. :''(Cliff looks at the resignation note.)'' :'''Cliff:''' Personal reasons. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. I thought that would give you adequate scope. :'''Cliff:''' Scope. What, like, um...shooting up in the Cabinet Office or something? Stuffing a cat up my arse and having a wank? What do you mean, scope? :'''Malcolm:''' You know, this could be a great deal worse. You have had a good innings. You have been here for 18 months. And you know, I have written some very nice things about you in the PM's reply to your resignation. Some very nice fucking things indeed. I had a lump in my throat. And you know why? Because no one who matters thinks any less of you over this -- ''so far.'' OK? ''(beat)'' Right. One more thing: ''[[wikipedia:The Daily Mail|The Daily Mail]]''. David Topham has got it into his head that we are gonna sack you because of press pressure. :'''Cliff:''' I wonder why. :'''Malcolm:''' Look. You're in no position to dish out fucking sarcasm. That's over. You no longer have purchase in the sarcasm world. Get on the phone. Tell him you're jumping before you're pushed -- although we were gonna push you, but not because of press pressure, but because of your deeply held fucking personal issues, whatever they were. :'''Cliff:''' You want me to write my own obituary. :'''Malcolm:''' Get on the fucking phone. Do it now. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Hugh Abbot, the new head of the Department of Social Affairs, is calling a big meeting to announce his first major policy. Joining Hugh in his office are his staff members: Glenn Cullen, Hugh's senior advisor and best friend; Oliver "Ollie" Reeder, Hugh's junior advisor; and Terri Coverley, the department's Chief Press Secretary.)'' :'''Hugh Abbot:''' Shush! I've got something very important to say. I've got -- Ollie, I've got something for us. I've got us a very, very tasty little morsel. Because this morning I had a chat with my very good friend, the Prime Minister of Great Britain. ''(Glenn, Ollie, and Terri are very interested.)'' Yes. And, um, remember the, um, um -- Ollie, your Benefit Unit Fraud... :'''Ollie Reeder:''' Anti-Benefit Fraud Executive. ABFE. :'''Hugh:''' ABFE. Um, Scrounger Squad. :'''Ollie:''' Snooper Squad. :'''Hugh:''' ''(correcting himself)'' Snooper Squad. :'''Terri Coverley:''' The one with the spending implications? :'''Hugh:''' Yes, and the Prime Minister's view, it turns out, is very much, "Fuck the spending implications, I like it." :'''Glenn Cullen:''' Good. :'''Hugh:''' So this is us. We're on the map. It's a chance for me, Glenn, to get on Richard & Judy and plant that flag right on their fucking sofa. :'''Terri:''' So the, um, the Prime Minister's authorized you -- he ''has'' authorized you to announce it, has he? :'''Hugh:''' That's very much what he signaled, yes, very clearly. He said that he's very much right behind us on this and it's very much what we should be doing. :'''Ollie:''' This is great. So we can do it this afternoon at the school, can't we? We can, uh, we can clear the press conference that we've got... :'''Terri:''' ''(getting up to leave)'' Excuse me. :'''Glenn:''' Yeah. We'll "double-bubble" it, yeah? We'll leak it to the Standard for the early editions and then trail it on the World at One. Yes? Right. I'll tell you, we, we need someone at the Standard we can give this to. What about Angela Heaney? She's at the Standard now, isn't she? Hugh? :'''Hugh:''' Yeah. :'''Glenn:''' Ollie? :'''Ollie:''' Um...yes, she is. Do you not think that maybe she's a bit junior, I think. :'''Glenn:''' Bit too much like your ex who broke your heart and then dumped you with a text message? :'''Ollie:''' It was a fucking e-mail. It wasn't a text message. :'''Glenn:''' We give it to her, she'll write what we want. :'''Hugh:''' She's easy. :'''Glenn:''' She is easy. :''(Terri returns to the office, trying to tell the guys to control their excitement over the Snooper Squad policy.)'' :'''Terri:''' Uh, one moment. I can see that you've all got very big, stiff hard-ons for this one -- :'''Hugh:''' Sorry? :'''Terri:''' That's -- that is nice. I'm not saying that's not nice. But... :'''Hugh:''' ''(surprised)'' Terri! :'''Terri:''' But there is absolutely no way we're gonna clear it by this afternoon. So... :'''Ollie:''' Why not? :'''Terri:''' Do cool it, just for a minute, and I'll ring Paul at the Treasury. :'''Hugh, Glenn, and Ollie:''' NO NO NO NO NO NO NO! :'''Hugh:''' No phone calls to the Treasury, thank you. :'''Ollie:''' If you call the Treasury to get anywhere near the announcement, he's gonna have to dress up as catering with a big tray of drinks and a pot of sliced lemons. :'''Hugh:''' I'm not doing that. :'''Terri:''' I'm just going by procedure. :'''Hugh:''' Terri, I love doing things the right way, that ethical stuff. I, I-I love it, I mean, we all, we all do. But -- but, you know, it's very difficult when you're the first person to put your gun down, because people tend to jump on your head as if it was a ripe watermelon. We don't want that, do we? :'''Ollie:''' The Prime Minister said he wants to do it. The Prime Minister is above the Treasury in the hierarchy. I can write it down on a chart if it actually helps. :'''Terri:''' Whatever. :'''Glenn:''' Thank you. :'''Terri:''' Very good, Minister. I'll get to it. :'''Hugh:''' ''(to Terri)'' You're just doing your job. ''(After Terri leaves, Hugh whispers to Glenn & Ollie)'' Not very well. :'''Glenn:''' ''(on his cell phone)'' Will you get Angela on the phone for Ollie? ''(to Ollie)'' You can deal with this, Ollie, yes? Thank you. :'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' The driver. :'''Ollie:''' ''(answering Glenn's question, despondently)'' Technically. :'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Will it be my usual driver? :'''Glenn:''' Yes, Hugh. :'''Hugh:''' I don't fucking like him. :'''Glenn:''' Why not? :'''Hugh:''' He's...I don't know. I think he despises me. :'''Glenn:''' We'll have to use him today, because you know how the pool system works. So we go down to the school...um...have to. :'''Hugh:''' He's sort of contemptuous. :'''Glenn:''' The driver? :'''Hugh:''' I feel like he looks down on me. :'''Glenn:''' No, Hugh, he likes you, I'm sure. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Hugh and Glenn are in the car listening to ''[[wikipedia:The World at One|The World at One]]''. They're celebrating Hugh's "Snooper Force" policy being given the green light.)'' :'''[[wikipedia:Nick Clarke|Nick Clarke]]:''' (on the radio) ''The World at One. This is Nick Clarke with 30 minutes of news...'' :'''Hugh:''' Well, you can fuck off for a start. :'''Nick Clarke:''' ''The Social Affairs Secretary Hugh Abbot...'' :'''Hugh:''' ''(quite proudly)'' Evening. :'''Glenn:''' First story up. :'''Hugh:''' Top of the bill. :'''Nick Clarke:''' ''...a uniformed, so-called Snooper Force. The announcement suggests the DSA has pushed the Treasury into releasing more funds, so we'll ask, is the Treasury losing its... :'''Hugh:''' Yes it is, and not before time! :'''Nick Clarke:''' ''...Social Affairs spokesman Mark Davis Nathenson... :'''Hugh:''' If you can get him out of the bath! :'''Nick Clarke:''' ''But first, the estimates of fatalities from yesterday's train disaster in Bangalore have risen precipitously overnight... :'''Hugh:''' Well, that's marvelous. :''(But then, Hugh's cell phone rings...)'' :'''Hugh:''' Oh, Tucker. ''(Happily answering the call)'' Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' What the fuck was that? Was this whole Snooper Force thing from you? :'''Hugh:''' Malcolm, I talked to the PM and this is completely kosher as far as he's concerned. You know, he gave the go-ahead and he said, you know, bounce the Treasury. :'''Malcolm:''' Don't you realise? We have got 17 different issues we are fighting with the Treasury about. :'''Hugh:''' I can hear that you are, as usual, upset. :'''Malcolm:''' I'll tell you why I'm upset. I'm upset because these fucking morons over at [[wikipedia:HM_Treasury|the Treasury]], these people, they are so paranoid. If you don't tell them about stuff like this, if you don't even cc them an email, they think you've started a palace coup! :'''Hugh:''' Mal– Malcolm – :'''Malcolm:''' You don't seem to understand that I'm gonna have to mop up a fucking hurricane of piss here from all of these neurotics! What did the Prime Minister ''actually'' say to you? :'''Hugh:''' He actually said, 'This is exactly the kind of thing we should be doing.' :'''Malcolm:''' ''What did he actually say?'' :'''Hugh:''' He said, 'This is exactly the sort of thing we should be doing.' :'''Malcolm:''' 'Should' be doing. 'Should' does not mean 'yes'. Now, there's only one thing to do here, and it's what I'm going to tell you to do. Kill it. :'''Hugh:''' I can't -- I can't kill it! I'm on my way to make the announcement! There's gonna be television cameras there and everything! :'''Malcolm:''' Well, fuck the television cameras! Think of something else to say! But just don't mention the bloody [[wikipedia:The_New_Avengers|New Avengers]] or the Snooper Force, or whatever the fuck you call it. :'''Hugh:''' Scam Busters? :'''Malcolm:''' Get rid of it. I don't wanna hear about it again. Bye. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Glenn is on the phone with Terri, telling her about a change in the Snooper Force story.)'' :'''Glenn:''' So the line is -- and call every news desk -- that the Snooper Force story is that it was led out by, quote, "a disgruntled civil servant," unquote. OK? :'''Terri:''' ''(privately annoyed)'' OK, great. :'''Glenn:''' And Terri? :'''Terri:''' Hmmm? :'''Glenn:''' You can drop that tone, all right? :'''Terri:''' What tone? :'''Glenn:''' The "I knew better all along" tone, yeah? It isn't fucking appreciated right now. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Ollie is in the car with Glenn & Hugh, and the three of them are discussing policy ideas while traveling.)'' :'''Hugh:''' All right. So...what the hell am I gonna say is the reason for me summoning all the nation's major news organisations to a school in Wiltshire? :'''Ollie:''' So you want something sexy and eye-catching, and that is free and universally popular and instantly applicable, no one can possibly object to it. :'''Glenn:''' Yep. :'''Ollie:''' Right. :'''Hugh:''' Yes. :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Well, really, you should've said something before, Glenn, because I've got a file about that fucking thick of that back in the office. Absolutely huge. Those sorts of policies are ten a penny. :'''Glenn:''' ''(getting mad)'' Ollie! :'''Ollie:''' Our entire manifesto is more or less made up of... :'''Glenn:''' ''(settling down)'' You know, it really doesn't help when you get cynical. You should think of this as an opportunity. :'''Ollie:''' It's not that easy to come up with ''[[wikipedia:Das Kapital|Das Kapital]]'' in the back of a cab, Glenn. :'''Hugh:''' ''(intervening)'' Ollie. :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh, handing him an electric razor)'' Here, shave. :''(As Hugh shaves his face, everybody settles down and gets back to the task at hand.)'' :'''Glenn:''' What we need is something that the public want, is incredibly popular and is free. :'''Ollie:''' Return of capital punishment. :'''Hugh:''' ''(unimpressed)'' That's a joke, right? You are joking, yes, obviously? Come on, Ollie, come up with something. :'''Ollie:''' National spare room database. :''(Nobody has any ideas yet -- UNTIL...)'' :'''Hugh:''' What about zoos? My kids went to a zoo, you know, the other day and they said-they said it was fucking disgusting. You know, the state of it. ''(beat)'' That's shit, isn't it? :'''Glenn:''' ''(nodding)'' No...but there is an idea there, because in the middle of the city, you've got wild animals. :'''Ollie:''' Pet ASBOs? Do you remember that? ASBOs for pets? :'''Hugh:''' Well, you see, that sounds potentially ludicrous. But then pet passports, I mean, that was a...that was a goer. :'''Glenn:''' What if everybody had to carry a plastic bag? By law? You know, the identification cards are coming in... :'''Hugh:''' ''(appalled)'' You've fucking cracked! Are you mad? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ollie:''' What if the announcement is...there's no big announcement. :'''Hugh:''' Oh, for goodness... :'''Ollie:''' No, no, wait. Right? We say, "The Department of Social Affairs has been doing amazing work, bread-and-butter work, belt-and-braces work, the kind of work that you people aren't interested in 'cos it's not shiny, shiny, media-friendly stuff. You are so obsessed with how things play in the media, you sickos, that every time we try and do, you know, just carry on with our day, you don't show up. So we have to call a big, you know, thing like this." :'''Hugh:''' On target, under budget. :'''Ollie:''' Coalface politics. :'''Hugh:''' Absolutely. Yes, I like that. :'''Glenn:''' Not wasting resources. :'''Hugh:''' Good. Let's do that. :'''Glenn:''' Let's go for that. :'''Hugh:''' We ''trick'' them. We ''trick'' them. Tinselly thing and they come along and then we say, "Ah-ha, that's what we've been doing, we've been doing our fucking jobs!" ''(beat)'' Yes, they never print that stuff, do they? :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, yeah, and you've come all this way, we've got you two hours out of London to come and cover this. :'''Hugh:''' You mugs! You mugs! :'''Ollie:''' But you know what? You've got a bigger story here than you have chasing your tinsel. :'''Hugh:''' Yeah, which is you live in a country which is properly -- There's not many countries can say that. :'''Glenn:''' And we've probably got 10,000,000 we can throw at it. :'''Hugh:''' Yes. That's good, that, because it sounds like a lot, doesn't it? <hr width="50%"/> :''(Hugh, Glenn and Ollie are at the school, preparing for Hugh's big speech.)'' :'''Ollie:''' I've got a thing here that says "springy concrete." I don't know, I think that's about the playground thing, but I don't... :'''Glenn:''' Springy concrete? :'''Hugh:''' ''(practicing his speech)'' Good afternoon...Should I say "Hello, boys and girls?" :'''Glenn:''' Yes, very nice. :'''Hugh:''' Like a fucking panto dame. :'''Ollie:''' He's gonna look ridiculous on the six o'clock news saying, "Hello, boys and girls." :'''Glenn:''' He's talking to the audience in front of him. :'''Hugh:''' ''(practicing)'' Real money for real families. ''(asking Glenn and Ollie)'' Real families or real people? :'''Glenn:''' Families. :'''Ollie:''' People. Real people. :'''Glenn:''' You see? Don't -- Families. :'''Ollie:''' Families sounds exclusive. It sounds kinda back to basics, it sounds [[wikipedia:John Major|John Major]]. :'''Glenn:''' People sounds Communist. :'''Ollie:''' It doesn't sound Communist. :'''Hugh:''' I'll say families. :'''Glenn:''' Thank you, Hugh. :'''Ollie:''' Say families of people. :''(A schools-woman approaches the room.)'' :'''Schools-woman:''' Mr. Abbot. :'''Glenn:''' Great. You're on. Here we go. :'''Hugh:''' Thank you. :'''Glenn:''' It's what you do best, mate. :'''Hugh:''' Yep. ''(to the schools-woman)'' This is lovely. Very nice indeed. <hr width="50%"/> :''(But a short time later...Hugh's speech bombed.)'' :'''Hugh:''' Well, that was a fucking disaster. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Surprisingly, Hugh's press conference was so boring that it was a success! Hugh and Glenn are celebrating at the office.)'' :'''Glenn:''' Well, you really pulled it round, mate. :'''Hugh:''' I took the flak, you supplied the flak jacket. :'''Glenn:''' Yeah, and the bullets bounced off. :'''Hugh:''' This is what it's all about, Glenn. :'''Glenn:''' Yeah. :'''Hugh:''' This is what it's -- All those years at the coalface, hanging in there, taking all the shit, all the bullshit. :'''Glenn:''' When you are Senior Cabinet Minister, then we'll show them. :'''Hugh:''' Yeah, and Snooper Force? Bollocks, we'll get rid of that. :'''Glenn:''' Aw, for fuck's sake, yeah. Fiddling while Rome burns. :'''Hugh:''' Fucking right. We'll kick some arse. We'll kick some butt! Kick some butt! :'''Glenn:''' That's what we're in it for, mate! Tell them all the shit that we do. :''(Glenn sees Malcolm standing behind Hugh, but Hugh is blissfully unaware.)'' :'''Hugh:''' It's a means to an end, mate. :''(Hugh then sees Malcolm right behind him.)'' :'''Hugh:''' Fuck me, Malcolm. How do you do that? :'''Malcolm:''' Can I have a word with you? :''(Glenn, who had earlier slammed doors in Ollie's and Terri's faces, finds a door being slammed in his face.)'' <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm wants to discuss Hugh's speech at the school.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(sighing heavily)'' I'm hacked off, mate. :'''Hugh:''' ''(stuttering)'' But we-we-we killed-we killed it. It's-it's-it's-it's killed. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, but once you start the fire...And we didn't start the fire. It was always burning since the world's been turning, et cetera, et cetera. :'''Hugh:''' S-Sorry, Malcolm, you're not making any sense. :'''Malcolm:''' Prime Minister, obviously, he's, uh, on the plane in Stockholm, and somebody hits him with ''The World At One.'' He thinks it's the Treasury trying to stiff him one, so he, um... ''(Malcolm takes a long pause)'' He stuck with the story. :'''Hugh:''' He liked it? :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, he's backing the Snooper Force. :'''Hugh:''' ''(smiling)'' Oh, right. ''(beat)'' We shouldn't really then have, I mean, ''you'' shouldn't really have, uh, told us to, uh...Should you? ''(chuckles)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(unamused)'' Don't should me, Hugh. 'Cos I'll should you right back. I'll should you right through that window. None of this ''should'' be happening, SHOULD it? ''SHOULD IT?'' ''SHOULD IT?'' :'''Hugh:''' Is that should in the...sense of yes, or...? :'''Malcolm:''' It's should in the sense of "You should do as you're fucking told." :'''Hugh:''' What, um...What are we gonna do now? :'''Malcolm:''' You're gonna completely reverse your position. :'''Hugh:''' Hang on-hang on-hang on a second. Hang-Malcolm, it's-it's not actually that, um – I mean, that's gonna be quite hard, really. :'''Malcolm:''' Yes, well the announcement that you didn't make today, you did. :'''Hugh:''' No, no, I didn't, ''and'' there were television cameras there while I was not doing it. :'''Malcolm:''' Fuck them. :'''Hugh:''' I'm not quite sure h– what level of reality I'm supposed to be operating on. :'''Malcolm:''' Look, this is what they run with. I tell them that you said it, they believe that you said it. They don't really believe you said it, they ''know'' that you never said it. :'''Hugh:''' Right. :'''Malcolm:''' But it's in their interests to say that you said it. Because if they don't say that you said it, they're not gonna get what you say tomorrow or the next day, when I decide to tell them what it is you're saying. :'''Hugh:''' Yeah, I-I am following this. I just... :'''Malcolm:''' I had a friend who used to indulge in extramarital affairs, OK? He would go off and he'd have some dalliance, and every Monday he'd come back and he'd meet his wife. And he told me that all he did was inside his head turn a little switch. The affair never happened. OK? :'''Hugh:''' Right. :'''Malcolm:''' There's not a prob -- I don't -- What is the problem with this? :'''Hugh:''' The problem with it...First of all, I -- I didn't get much dalliance. :'''Malcolm:''' Get it into your head. Rewind today into your head. :'''Hugh:''' OK, stop explaining it to me! :'''Malcolm:''' I have to fucking explain it to you, man. You haven't been here long enough. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Ollie is in an office arguing with his ex-girlfriend, Angela Heaney...who's also a news journalist.)'' :'''Ollie:''' I'm really glad you came in, Angela. :'''Angela Heaney:''' Well, I could lose my job, Ollie. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah... :'''Angela:''' Because I went all hot and heavy to the news desk with three directly contradictory stories in one day. :'''Ollie:''' I know, :'''Angela:''' They gave me flip-flops. You know? Someone actually went out and bought me flip-flops to give me. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah. You've gotta give them credit for that, that is quite funny. :'''Angela:''' Yeah. And they pasted onto them...a fucking porn picture of a girl sucking a big cock and they wrote, "Angela Heaney swallows anything." :'''Ollie:''' That is less funny. Obviously, that's actually quite offensive. :'''Angela:''' Can you give me one good reason why I shouldn't do a big story on the, you know, the day of spin? :'''Ollie:''' Wh-Why? What sort of story? ''(Ollie starts stammering and struggling to defend himself...)'' :'''Angela:''' Inside story of a government department out of control. With diagrams and maybe a flow chart with your face and name on it. And Glenn's and Hugh's and big arrows showing who spoke to who and how you all ''fucked it up!'' Yeah, I think I could write that one up myself, Ollie. I think I could do the punctuation on ''that'' one! :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, I-I'm sorry. Okay, I was patronis... :''(Suddenly, Malcolm comes into the office.)'' :'''Malcolm''': Hey. Hi, Angela. Oh, I like the hair, nice little corkscrews. How's it going? :'''Ollie''': Yeah, er, fine. Um, we were just, er, talking about why Angela shouldn't do a big story on the big insidery piece, kinda day of spin, sort of spread in the paper... :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Oh, I don't know. ''(to Angela)'' Maybe you should! Good idea. :''(Malcolm leaves -- then comes back.)'' :'''Malcolm''': Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute. I know why she shouldn't. Because, you know, if she did that, she'd be dead. To me, to this department, to the government. And she'll never get another story, or a fucking whiff of a story as long as she kept her sorry, hack bitch face lingering around Westminster, because I would call every editor I know - which, obviously, that's all of them - and I'd tell them to gouge her name out of their address books so she'd never even get a job on hospital radio ''where the sad sack belongs.'' That's what I'd tell her. ''(to Ollie)'' But maybe you should do it. See you later. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah. ''(to Angela)'' He's actually...He can be really nice. It's been a very long day. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hugh:''' I want a new driver. Get me a new driver. I don't want to see this guy ever again. :'''Glenn:''' On what grounds? :'''Hugh:''' Smiling. Inappropriate smiling. And smirking. Smiling and smirking. I don't want to see that smile or smirk ever again. OK? Thank you. ''(Hugh turns to the driver)'' OK, thank you very much. :'''Driver:''' Which way do you want to go? :'''Hugh:''' I don't care, you're the boss. ==Series 1, Episode 2== :''(This is the opening scene of the episode.)'' :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' You're late. And you look like shit. :'''Hugh:''' I know both of those things already. [[wikipedia:Margaret Thatcher|Margaret Thatcher]] used to survive on less than four hours' sleep a night. How is that possible? :'''Glenn:''' Monkey glands. She was mad. Mad people have different needs. :'''Hugh:''' And she lived above the shop, so she didn't have to commute. God, London is so big. Can't we devolve some of it? If I could get just one decent night's shut-eye... :'''Glenn:''' Well, Hugh, do yourself a favor. Stay over in the flat. :'''Hugh:''' I can't break my promise to Kate. :'''Glenn:''' I mean, do you actually get to see the children? :'''Hugh:''' Glenn, I don't have time for that. All I do... I work, I eat, I shower. That's it. Occasionally... I take a dump, just as a sort of treat. I mean, that really is my treat. That's what it's come to. I sit there and I think, "No, I'm not going to read the [[wikipedia:New_Statesman|''New Statesman'']]. This time is just for me. This is quality time just for me." Is that normal? :'''Glenn''': It's sad. :'''Hugh''': Well at least I've made something. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm and Hugh are on the phone, discussing an article by Simon Hewitt.)'' :'''Hugh:''' Hello, Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' Have you got Simon Hewitt's piece in front of you? :'''Hugh:''' I haven't been quite through it, erm, yet. :'''Malcolm:''' Have you got to the bit where he calls ''you'' out of your depth? :'''Hugh:''' No, at the moment he's calling me 'the political equivalent of the house wine at a suburban Indian restaurant'. That's not very good, is it? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hugh:''' So, how do we respond to this? :'''Terri:''' Right, we don't exchange insults with bloody Simon arsepipes titty-twat. :'''Ollie:''' Is that honestly the best swearing that you can come up with? :'''Glenn:''' This is a bucket of shit: if someone throws shit at us, we throw shit back at them, we start a shit fight. We throw so much shit back at them that they can't pick up shit, they can't throw shit, they can't do shit. :'''Terri:''' Mm. :'''Hugh:''' That's top swearing, Glenn, well done. :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Terri)'' Watch and learn. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hugh:''' ''(thinking of policy ideas)'' Shut up for a minute, please. Where else can we go? Pollution, the environment. Litter. Dog shit. :'''Ollie:''' Aiming high. :'''Hugh:''' We aimed high, now we're at dog shit. :'''Ollie:''' So what you're looking for – :'''Malcolm:''' ''(entering the room)'' OK, this is what we're doing. I'm putting it about through a number of cronies – :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Morning, Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' – that Hewitt's piece was a packet of bollocks; he did it as a favour to Cliff. :'''Ollie:''' Cliff being – :'''Glenn:''' Cliff Lawton. :'''Ollie:''' Oh right. :'''Malcolm:''' Hugh's predecessor. He and Hewitt are as tight as arse cheeks. :'''Hugh:''' Are they now? :'''Malcolm:''' Fuck knows, but that's what we're saying, OK? It's personal, it's backslapping, it's borderline homoerotic, and you are an innocent victim of a nasty media stitch-up. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Hugh has just asked Terri which policy idea she prefers: Glenn's or Ollie's?)'' :'''Terri:''' It's not my role to have a preference. I sell the apples. If you want me to sell the apples, I'll sell the apples. And if you want me to sell the oranges, then I'll go and tell people the apples? "The apples are shit, Ollie. They're shit." I'll say, "Go on! Check out our oranges!" <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' And you're against it? :'''Glenn:''' It'll die on its arse! 'My grandma was mugged by some ferret-faced teenager with a neck tattoo, what are you gonna do about it?' 'Teach him to play the bassoon.' It is, as my dear old mother would have said, double wank and shit chips.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Glenn:''' Well, my guts still say no. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well substantial as they are, they've been outvoted.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Hugh:''' Malcolm, I know you were very keen on Terri's appointment but, um – :'''Malcolm:''' She's shit. :'''Hugh:''' Well, I wouldn't go that far. :'''Malcolm:''' She's a box-ticker, Hugh. She can't think outside the box. :'''Hugh:''' No, in fact she's built a box inside the actual box and she's doing her thinking inside that box. :'''Malcolm:''' Exactly, I like that. :'''Hugh:''' I'm sorry, I'm so tired, Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' No, that's good. :'''Hugh:''' I have so much stuff to read and think about. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Terri''': Anyway, these focus groups, they're absolutely useless. :'''Ollie''': Oh, so it's useless to ask people what they think, is it? It's useless to ask people's opinions before we formulate a policy? It's useless?! :'''Glenn''': Look, there's no point in asking people what they think. They either don't know what they think or they think that you should bring back hanging for traffic wardens. Or they just think what every right-minded thinking person would think, and that's just common sense! :'''Ollie''': Oh, yeah yeah yeah, oh yeah, ''"I'm Geoff Average, and I think the same as everybody else cos I'm Mr Average Normal Bloke and everybody thinks like me cos I work in IT, and on the weekends I pop a few pills and do a bit of DJ-ing, y'know, spare cash cos I'm a single mum and I'm a member of the [[wikipedia:National_Trust_for_Places_of_Historic_Interest_or_Natural_Beauty|National Trust]], I enjoy any sports on TV, anything with Colin Firth, I enjoy domestic violence and sun-dried fucking...karaoke."'' Not everybody is the same, Glenn! People can surprise you! :'''Glenn:''' Was that good-natured joshing? <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm is still working late at night in his office, eating a piece of fruit, when his cell phone rings.) :'''Malcolm:''' ''(answering the call)'' Tucker. :'''Simon Hewitt:''' Malcolm, uh...hope I didn't wake you up. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(spitting)'' Hewitt. :'''Simon:''' Yeah, I'm doing a piece this Sunday, a big piece on focus groups. It's sort of inspired by your latest policy disaster. I'm gonna be concentrating on how your man Abbot can't do a single thing without focus groups. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(clearly unmoved)'' I'm shaking with fear. :'''Simon:''' Yeah, well, that's sexual jealousy. :'''Malcolm:''' You're so very very witty. Pity none of it ever makes it into your columns. :'''Simon:''' Listen, I'd love to spend the rest of the evening listening to you, but I've got better things to do. :'''Malcolm:''' Fuck off back to your match reports, you twat! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hugh:''' How fucked am I? :'''Ollie:''' Well, you look awful, you look terrible. I mean, you often look quite bad, but... :'''Hugh:''' I mean, in terms of negative publicity. On the fuckometer, where am I? :'''Glenn:''' Oh, 12. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah. 12, say. :'''Hugh:''' Out of what? :'''Glenn:''' Er... 50. :'''Ollie:''' Oh. Mine was out of ten. :'''Hugh:''' Right, ''(to Glenn)'' so I'm 24% fucked according to you, ''(to Ollie)'' but according to you I'm 120% fucked? :'''Ollie:''' Um, yeah, I didn't... :''(But before Ollie can finish his thought, Terri enters the office.)'' :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Terri)'' Terri, have you got anything for us? :'''Terri:''' Well, I can't ask them to drop the piece. It would make us look pathetic. :'''Hugh:''' Terri, I don't mean to come across all Mr. Gradgrind, but this is your job, isn't it? Sorting out the press? This is what you do for a living? :'''Terri:''' This is Malcolm's problem, anyway. He's the one who took it over. It's him that spun that... :''(Before Terri can finish her point, Malcolm enters the room and takes charge.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' All right, listen up, this is what we're gonna do. I'm bringing forward Hugh's interview with Angela to this afternoon. :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Morning, Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' It goes out as a spoiler tomorrow morning. That way, we can get our side of the story across and also piss all over Simon Hewitt's corn flakes, sadly only metaphorically, yeah? Right, okay. Ollie, call Heaney. Terri, get on to her editor. Glenn, book her room. [[wikipedia:The_Professionals_(TV_series)|Bodie, Doyle, you go round the back]]. :''(The other 4 are confused by Malcolm.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' At times of stress, I make jokes! :''(Glenn, Terri and Ollie go about their business.)'' :'''Hugh:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Right, um...What do I do? :'''Malcolm:''' Sit down in front of the TV with me. You're gonna watch that Zeitgeist tape now. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm and Hugh are in Hugh's office watching The Bill on tape. Hugh is sort of dozing off to sleep, when all of a sudden...he wakes up to see Mary, the Focus Group Superstar, in the show!)'' :'''Hugh:''' Oh, shit. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, I know, but people watch it. This gets 6,000,000. :'''Hugh:''' Oh, shit. :'''Malcolm:''' What? :'''Hugh:''' She's an actress. :'''Malcolm:''' Who? :'''Hugh:''' Mary, from the focus group, she's an actress. :'''Malcolm:''' Oh, relax, that doesn't matter. These focus groups, they do it all the time. If they're a bit short on numbers, they bung in a couple of actors. It doesn't matter because it's a focus group - key word, "group." :''(Hugh's trying to find a solution to his problem...)'' :'''Hugh:''' Ooh, I've just remembered. Um...can you just... :'''Malcolm:''' Should I pause it? :'''Hugh:''' If you could pause it for a second, I'll be...I'm sorry, I'll just be back in a sec. :''(Hugh rushes to get help from Glenn. Hugh has to whisper to Glenn so Malcolm doesn't hear anything.)'' :'''Hugh:''' Glenn? :'''Glenn:''' What? :'''Hugh:''' I've got a bit of a problem. You remember Mary from the focus group? :'''Glenn:''' What, Miss, uh, Immaculate Bloody Conception? :'''Hugh:''' She's an actress. :'''Glenn:''' What do you mean? :'''Hugh:''' Well, I mean she's – No, there's no clearer way of saying it, she's an actress. :'''Glenn:''' Are you sure? :'''Hugh:''' I've just seen her, she's in ''[[wikipedia:The_Bill|The fucking Bill]]''! :'''Glenn:''' Oh, Jesus! Look, this doesn't necessarily have to be a total fucking disaster. :'''Hugh:''' Oh, I think it does, because she wasn't for real, she's not really, uh, a stay-at-home [[wikipedia:Middle_England|Middle England]] housewife, she-she's just playing a part, so what she said wasn't, you know – :''(Hugh and Glenn walk past Terri, who is on the phone.)'' :'''Glenn:''' Yes. Yeah, I do know. :'''Terri:''' What, who said what wasn't what? :'''Hugh:''' ''(whispering to Terri)'' We are organising focus groups to listen to the opinions of ordinary people, except they're ''not'' ordinary people! They're fucking actors, so they're not technically people at all! :''(Glenn and Hugh go to Ollie's desk.)'' :'''Terri:''' ''(on the phone)'' Can I get back to you? :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' What is it? :'''Glenn:''' Your fucking legend is a fucking actress! :'''Ollie:''' Well, 'cause the focus group companies do it all the time. If they can't cobble together, you know, the right cross-section, they call a casting agency – :'''Glenn:''' Dial-an-opinion, is it? 'Send me three liberals, two fucking mavericks and a racist.' Brilliant, Ollie! Brilliant! :'''Hugh:''' ''(whispering)'' We've based the whole thing on her! Just her! Her alone! :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Don't you see? Why didn't you run it past me for once? :''(Hugh storms off towards a nearby cupboard.)'' :'''Hugh:''' ''(still whispering)'' Shit! Shit! :''(Glenn, Ollie and Terri continue whispering argumentatively.)'' :'''Glenn:''' It's not real! :'''Terri:''' I thought I recognized her. You know, she was in ''[[wikipedia:Midsomer Murders|Midsomer Murders]]''. :'''Glenn:''' Why didn't you say anything? :'''Terri:''' I saw her in ''Midsomer Murders''. I thought she might've had a twin or something. :'''Glenn:''' What a stupid thing to... :''(While Glenn, Terri and Ollie continue arguing, Hugh sulks silently in the cupboard.)'' :'''Hugh:''' Fuck! Fuck! :''(But as soon as Hugh starts banging things and making noise, somebody opens the cupboard door: It's Malcolm...and he's not happy.)'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' You said 'she.' :'''Hugh:''' Yes. :'''Malcolm:''' Come out of the cupboard, Hugh. :'''Hugh:''' No. :''(Malcolm enters the cupboard.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Hugh, we have to sort this out. When I asked you about the focus group – :'''Hugh:''' Yeah. :'''Malcolm:''' – you said 'she' loved it. :'''Hugh:''' We gave her a one-on-one. :'''Malcolm:''' Why? :'''Hugh:''' She's Middle England. :'''Malcolm:''' So Middle England is a big fucking field, with ''one woman'' standing in it? :'''Hugh:''' Do you think Hewitt will find out? :'''Malcolm:''' OF COURSE HE FUCKING WILL, SHE'S HIS MOLE! THAT'S WHY HE'S GOT A PIECE IN THE PAPER TOMORROW! :''(Malcolm leaves the cupboard, with Hugh right behind him.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Glenn, Ollie, Terri and Hugh)'' We've got to shut this down now, right? I want this leaked to Angela Heaney. It's damage control, OK? We put out the story the way ''we'' want it, before Hewitt fucks us up the bugle! Get onto it, now! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Hugh, Glenn and Ollie are trying to defend themselves. Terri's on the phone trying to contact Angela Heaney.)'' :'''Hugh:''' I didn't know that she's an actress! :'''Glenn:''' No, exactly! We, we've been lied to! We've been abused! We are the victims of abuse! :'''Terri:''' ''(holding the phone)'' Ollie? :'''Ollie:''' Shut up! :'''Terri:''' Can you call her? :'''Ollie:''' Yes, I'll call her! :''(Malcolm re-enters the picture.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Hugh)'' How could I know you are a broken vase? :'''Hugh:''' What the fuck are you talking about? :'''Malcolm:''' You're a broken vase! :'''Hugh:''' How do I know she's an actress? I never watch television! That's why you have to give me a stupid tape! :''(Hugh comes up with a plan...)'' :'''Hugh:''' Listen, we're gonna get her in, we're gonna talk to her, she'll meet us...I will talk to her because I'm good with people. She can help us, she'll see our point of view, we'll be fine. :'''Malcolm:''' Well, I hope so. I hope that's what gonna happen. :'''Ollie:''' Or we kill her. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Later that night, Malcolm, Hugh, Glenn and Ollie are talking to Mary. They're discussing what's going to happen because of her being an actress in a focus group.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Mary)'' Do you just want to think about what is going to happen tomorrow? :'''Hugh:''' Because tomorrow, you are gonna find the press all over you – :'''Mary:''' In a good way? :'''Hugh:''' No, not in a good way at all, I can tell you – :'''Malcolm:''' You know that film ''[[Notting Hill]]'', have you seen that? :'''Glenn:''' She's probably fucking in it. :'''Malcolm:''' You know that bit where the guy opens the door – :'''Mary:''' What is this? :'''Malcolm:''' – and there's like millions of journalists and hacks and photographers and all flashbulbs are going off? In about four hours time, that's gonna be you, darling: they're gonna be all over you like fucking cockroaches. :'''Hugh''' ''(trying to comfort Mary)'': It's OK, it's OK. :'''Malcolm:''' No no no no no no no no, it's NOT OK! It's not gonna be OK, and I'll tell you why: Because you're fair game. So I hope your knickers are clean. Because every seat-sniffing little shitbag that's ever filed a byline is gonna be questioning you. 'Cause now, it's in the fucking public interest, isn't it? And they're gonna hit you with any shit they can find and you're gonna be spread out there in front of them like a trollop in the [[wikipedia:Stocks|stocks]]! :'''Mary:''' I still don't really understand what's going on. :'''Malcolm:''' We can hold those dogs back, right? :'''Mary:''' What do you mean? :'''Malcolm:''' We can get you a nice journalist, yeah? :'''Glenn:''' Yes, exactly. :'''Malcolm:''' We can get you a nice young journalist, Angela Heaney...and maybe you...maybe you, I mean I don't know what shit that he made you sign, but whatever it was, it was bullshit. Maybe if you just say that, you know, uh, you were misquoted and also that Simon Hewitt's a prick, right? If you just said that... :'''Mary:''' Who? :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, the journalist that you told your story to. :'''Mary:''' I, I didn't...I didn't talk to any journalist. :'''Malcolm:''' You spoke to Simon Hewitt. :'''Mary:''' No, I... :'''Malcolm:''' You fucking spoke to Simon Hewitt, he's a fat guy with a tiny little dick the size of a bookie's biro. You fucking spoke to him. :'''Mary:''' ''(getting mad)'' I'd like to go now! :''(Now, ALL the guys are shouting!)'' :'''Glenn:''' Did you speak to Simon Hewitt? :'''Mary:''' No! I don't even know... :'''Hugh:''' You didn't speak to him. :'''Malcolm:''' She didn't fucking speak to him. :''(The guys are starting to realize that Mary's telling the truth.)'' :'''Mary:''' I don't know anyone called...Simon...whatever the fuck. :''(Malcolm starts yelling under his breath.)'' :'''Ollie:''' Hewitt. :'''Mary:''' Hewitt, yeah. :'''Glenn:''' She doesn't even know! ''(to Malcolm)'' Malcolm...Fuck's sake! :'''Mary:''' ''(talking about Malcolm)'' What's the matter with him? :'''Glenn:''' Ollie. ''(Glenn's motioning to Ollie to take Mary out of the room.)'' :'''Hugh:''' ''(to Mary)'' Sorry for anything I said that might have upset you. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(trying to apologize to Mary)'' Sorry, darling. Sorry, love. Just been crossed lines, darling. Sorry about that... :'''Mary:''' Will you leave me alone? :''(Ollie escorts Mary, who's understandably upset, out of the room.)'' <hr width="50%" /> :'''Malcolm:''' '''''FOR FUCK'S SAKE!''''' :'''Glenn:''' She didn't even know! :'''Malcolm:''' Fuck him! :'''Hugh:''' That didn't really work, did it? :'''Glenn:''' Is it too late... :'''Hugh:''' ''(confused and stunned)'' So can I just get this, this straight, just for my, just for my own sanity... :'''Glenn:''' Listen, if we get on the phone, can we pull the front page? :'''Hugh:''' No. It's too late. :'''Glenn:''' You mean Heaney's piece is gonna go ahead anyway now? :'''Malcolm:''' Of course it's gonna fucking go ahead! I mean, I'm good but I can't fucking hold back the tide, can I? Alright, that's it. That's it. I'm going to bed. :'''Hugh:''' Kind of ironic, really... :'''Malcolm:''' You're fucking on your own! ''(Malcolm angrily leaves, slamming the door.)'' :'''Hugh:''' ...because she, she hasn't actually spoken to, to Hewitt, uh...and we've, of our own volition, voluntarily released the story to the, to the press...unnecessarily. Um...Damn. <hr width="50%" /> :'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Can you wake me in a couple of hours? ''(Hugh lies down on a sofa)'' There's no time to go home, I'll just pass myself coming back in. ==Series 1, Episode 3== :'''Terri:''' Did you say we were gonna do a press release? :'''Hugh:''' Yes, erm, "Following a successful report stage debate, Secretary of State for Social Affairs, Hugh Abbot, today announced: 'I'm the fucking daddy!'"<hr width="50%" /> :'''Dan Miller:''' How are you, Glenn? :'''Glenn:''' I'm good, thank you – Actually, I just thought you were very heavy-handed with the backbenchers. No need for it in this day and age. :'''Dan Miller:''' Listen, Glenn. I mean, you know as well as I do, if you're going to make an omelette, you're going to have to have some frank and honest discussion with the eggs. And that's all I was doing. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm is in his office on his desk phone, trying to explain himself to a fellow government official.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' I'm not complacent, Tom. ''(beat)'' Yeah, I know we did take a hit over the-the-the focus group thing, but it wasn't a ''big'' hit. ''(beat)'' Oh yeah? Says who? ''(beat)'' Oh, the prime minister told you that, huh? Well, get you. ''(beat)'' Look, I can only cook with what I've been given. You know, it's like ''[[wikipedia:Ready Steady Cook|Ready Steady Cook]].'' You give me Hugh Abbot, I'll give you bangers and mash. But if you give me Gerry from the Home Office, well then, I can raise it to fucking risotto and scallops. Do you know what I mean? ''(beat)'' Yeah yeah yeah. Ok, ok. Ok, bye. <hr width="50%"/> :''(looking at Hugh's tie)'' :'''Glenn:''' What are those? They're little hippos, aren't they? :'''Hugh:''' I don't know what they are actually; I think they're just unidentified amusing creatures. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hugh:''' So what time does this ''[[w:Daily Mail|Daily Mail]]'' hack get here? :'''Glenn:''' Ten minutes, it's Angela Heaney, didn't I tell you? :'''Hugh:''' So she left the ''[[w:Evening Standard|Standard]]''? :'''Glenn:''' That's right, absolutely. :'''Hugh:''' Go on then: ask me some questions. :'''Glenn:''' Right, OK, I'll be Angela Heaney, and I'll ask you some questions. :'''Hugh:''' My God, that's uncanny. Mind you, your tits are a bit bigger than hers. :'''Glenn:''' Is it true that, although this Housing Bill went through Parliament with incredible ease – :'''Hugh:''' Actually, can you just do it as yourself? Sorry, it's just slightly unsettling. :'''Glenn:''' Right, erm – that you'll find a lot of difficulty in the real world? :'''Hugh:''' On the contrary, this Bill is going to do an extraordinary amount of good for an extraordinarily large number of people. Ordinary people, but ordinary people who ''deserve'' a little bit of the extraordinary in their lives. :''(both start giggling)'' :'''Glenn:''' Perfect. That's brilliant. That's brilliant! :'''Hugh:''' It's a piece of piss. :'''Glenn:''' There you are, you see. :'''Hugh:''' Go on, ask me something hard. :'''Glenn:''' Where's the [[w:Nazi gold|Nazi gold]], you donkey-shagger? :'''Hugh:''' I'm very pleased you asked me that, Angela, because let me just say right away that this Bill is going to do an extraordinary amount of good for an extraordinarily large – <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm''' ''(in his office, on his mobile)'': Hi Tom, what can I do for you? ''(beat)'' Well, I-I didn't know what he was doing with his flat – I told him that fucking flat w– Well, they're not running with this – No, well, I know, he's got-he's got an interview now with that-that-that Angela Heaney, you know, the twat bubble from the ''Standard'' – Fuck, she's just gone to the ''Mail''. I'm onto it. ''(Malcolm hangs up and leaves his office.)'' <hr width="50%"/> :''(After a LOT of running, Malcolm finally arrives at the floor where Hugh is talking to Angela Heaney.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' WHERE THE FUCK IS HE??? :'''Ollie:''' He's in the goldfish bowl! :'''Malcolm:''' Fuck! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Hugh is still talking to Angela.)'' :'''Hugh:''' No, no. Look, I'm very glad you brought that up, because that -- gives me...that gives me the opportunity to...Sorry...I...''(Hugh's looking at Malcolm through the 'goldfish bowl')'' Just mucking about...Um... :'''Hugh:''' I have always maintained very clearly... :'''Malcolm:''' ''(opening the door)'' Hi, Angela. Sorry, sorry, sorry, can I just borrow the Minister for a moment? :'''Hugh:''' Sure. Sorry, be right back with you. :''(Barely audible, outside the 'goldfish bowl' where Angela was interviewing Hugh...)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Hugh)'' They're running about your fucking flat, I fucking told you about that. How the fuck did you think it was gonna run, you STUPID CUNT?! How am I supposed to control what's going on if I don't know WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON? YOU'RE A FUCKING PRICK! AN ABSOLUTE CUNT! DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT? :''(While Malcolm is still yelling at Hugh, Terri opens the door to the "Goldfish Bowl." She comes in and offers to get Angela some goodies.)'' :'''Terri:''' Angela, can I get you a fresh cup of coffee? :'''Angela:''' No, I'm fine, thanks. :'''Terri:''' Um, would you like some tea? :'''Angela:''' Nope, nope. :'''Terri:''' No biscuits or anything? :'''Angela:''' No. :'''Terri:''' Do let me know if you need anything else. :'''Angela:''' I will. Thanks very much. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Hugh)'' GET BACK IN THERE AND WRAP THIS BULLSHIT UP! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Hugh re-enters the 'goldfish bowl'...) :'''Hugh:''' Ah. Hah! Bit of a disagreement. :'''Angela:''' Blimey. :'''Hugh:''' Yeah. Um, could you...I'm just curious, could you hear? Because we were actually...We can be quite brutal to each other, because we're actually very, very good, good friends. :'''Angela:''' Right. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Moments later, Malcolm is in Hugh's office, arguing with Glenn and Ollie over the scandal involving Hugh and his flat.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Glenn)'' You haven't been accepting ''any'' offers? :'''Glenn:''' NO! :'''Malcolm:''' Jesus... :'''Glenn:''' Well, that wasn't the point! The whole deal was we put the flat on the market so if the press are asking us, we say, "Fuck off, he's selling it!" They'll go away and then, you know, Hugh's got a place in town! :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' What the fuck is your girlfriend doing hitting us with this, huh? :'''Ollie:''' Well, she's not my girlfriend, Malcolm. So I've no idea. :'''Malcolm:''' Oh, well you won't mind if I kill her then, will you? :'''Ollie:''' It'd solve a lot of issues for me, to be honest with you. :'''Malcolm:''' Hey! Hey hey hey, if you could sweet-talk that sour-faced bitch into dropping us you'd be sweet to me, you'd be very very sweet – :'''Ollie:''' If I could sweet-talk that sour-faced bitch into anything I would have had a more comfortable four months – :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah well, I'll just have to kill the both of you then, won't I? :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, well. :'''Malcolm:''' That's a joke, by the way, not a very nice one, a nasty one which masks a lot of very negative feelings about this fucking department. :''(Malcolm's cell phone rings...)'' :'''Malcolm:''' (looking at his phone)'' Oh, Jesus. Tom Davies. ''(answering)'' Tom! Hello, how are you? Yes. No no, he was already there when I got there, he was talking to her. ''(Malcolm leaves Hugh's office.)'' <hr width="50%"/> :''(Hugh re-enters the office as he and his team try to create an emergency strategy of sorts.)'' :'''Hugh:''' What is happening? :'''Ollie:''' What the hell was that? :'''Hugh:''' What is happening? That was supposed-that was supposed to be a nice interview. :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' What on Earth did you say to her? :'''Hugh:''' I think-I think I denied being a racist. I hope so. :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Hugh)'' You didn't say that you have lots of black friends, you didn't go... :'''Hugh:''' Of course not. Well, I haven't-I haven't got any. :'''Ollie:''' What did you say about the offers? :'''Hugh:''' ''(stammering)'' I-I-I said I wasn't, I wasn't...someone else was handling the sale and I wasn't aware of any offers. :'''Glenn:''' Hugh? :'''Hugh:''' Hmm? :'''Glenn:''' Did you mention me by name? :'''Hugh:''' ''(still stammering)'' Um, possibly -- No, I-I don't think -- I-I may in between denying racism, possibly have, yes. :'''Glenn:''' ''(displeased)'' Thank you. Thank you very much. Thanks a fucking bunch! :''(Terri enters the office.)'' :'''Terri:''' OK, so what's the line on this then? :'''Hugh:''' I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. What is-what is the line on this? :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh, still upset)'' I don't know! Don't look at me! :'''Hugh:''' But we need to have a line on this. :''(Malcolm re-enters the office with some surprise news.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' OK, we've got movement, we got a break. :'''Glenn:''' What? What? What? :'''Malcolm:''' The flat's sold. :'''Hugh:''' ''(in disbelief)'' ''WHAT?'' :'''Malcolm:''' To the Asian family, for 40 grand below the asking price. But that's alright. :'''Glenn:''' Jesus! :'''Hugh:''' ''WHAT IS HAPPENING?!'' :'''Terri:''' Malcolm? :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah? :'''Terri:''' We're too late. :'''Malcolm:''' What? :'''Terri:''' All the papers have got a hold of it. The ''Express'' has been making offers on it, at the asking price and also £30,000 more. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(stunned)'' Jesus... :'''Terri:''' Haven't been accepted. :'''Malcolm:''' We've got to stall. :'''Hugh:''' This is madness! I just own a flat, I haven't raped somebody! :'''Terri:''' ''(on her cell phone)'' Yeah, they're calling the scandal "Flatgate." :'''Hugh:''' ''Scandal?!'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(whispering to Terri)'' Flatgate?! :'''Glenn:''' Well, that's crap. It's a crap name for a scandal. :'''Terri:''' They should call it "Notting Hill Gate-gate." :'''Hugh:''' Can we at least stop calling it a scandal? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Terri, unamused)'' Are you joking? Are you joking now? :'''Terri:''' ''(leaving the office)'' On my way to stall. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, get stalling. :''(A moment of silence...and then...)'' :'''Hugh:''' Maybe we can just blame it all on Terri. :'''Glenn:''' That is an option, isn't it? <hr width="50%"/> :''(The next day, Hugh is in Malcolm's office...arguing about "Flatgate.")'' :'''Hugh:''' It's a flat! :'''Malcolm:''' It is a second home! In a borough with thousands of homeless people that you have kept more or less empty for ages! Have you not read your own Housing Bill, for God's sake? :'''Hugh:''' It wasn't-I only kept it empty for a little while to see my bloody family. Obviously, on reflection, I should have filled it with prostitutes and, and rent boys and crack cocaine pimp tattoo freaks. :'''Malcolm:''' Thanks to Dan Miller and his like, the Housing Bill is a success, but this is ''burying'' the whole thing! :'''Hugh:''' Well, what do you want ''me'' to do? ''Resign?'' ''(Malcolm stares at him)'' No, no! No, that is – I'm not going over this. :'''Malcolm:''' The way out of this situation is for you to – :'''Hugh:''' This is madness, Malcolm, this desire for perfection, that – I am not perfect, I am just a person, right? I need to sleep, I need to eat, occasionally I need to take a dump. So, I mean, what's next, I mean, do we put that on the evening news, on the front page? "Minister is disgusting defecation outburst". [[wikipedia:Mollie_Sugden|Mollie Sugden]] at Number 10: "Did you enjoy your shit, Mr Abbot?" They should just clone ministers, you know, so we're born at 55, with no past, and no flats, and no genitals. Just a world of robots in a sort of – It's like a futuristic film, and you'd enjoy that, wouldn't you? You'd be in your little space station surrounded by obedient androids, like that fucking brushed-aluminium Dan Miller cyber-prick! :'''Malcolm:''' It ''is'' possible to have a good resignation, you know! :'''Hugh:''' ''A good resignation?'' Oh, I'm looking forward to how you're gonna sell ''this'' to me! :'''Malcolm:''' Look, people really like it when you go just a bit early! You know, steely-jawed, faraway look in your eyes! Before they're getting to the point when they're sitting round in the pub saying "Oh, that fucker's got to go", you ''surprise'' them! "''Blimey'', he's gone, I didn't expect that! Resigned? You don't see that much anymore! Old school! Respect! I rather liked the guy! He was hounded out by the fucking press!" How about that, huh? What a way to go, yeah? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ollie:''' You know, I'm just the counter man in [[w:McDonalds|McDonald's]], I'm not that important, frankly; you're the clown running the shop, you're the one that they want to see strung up from a lamppost by his fucking wig. :'''Glenn:''' What does that make me? :'''Ollie:''' [[w:Ronald McDonald|Ronald McDonald]]. :'''Glenn:''' Well, fuck off! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' "Department of Social Affairs", Department of Fucking Shocking, Shitty, Charlatan, ''Shits!'' That's what – ''(to Ollie)'' Feet off the furniture, you [[wikipedia:Oxbridge|Oxbridge]] twat! You're no' on a [[wikipedia:Punt_(boat)#Punting_in_England|punt]] now. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hugh''' ''(to Dan Miller)'': I've missed my ideal resigning point. With every day I delay, it's another year before I can get back again. If I had resigned the day I was appointed, I'd actually be Prime Minister by now. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hugh:''' Social Affairs, what the fuck does that actually mean? You know, it's so vague. You know, 'Hello, I'm Hugh Abbot, the Minister for, I dunno, stuff'. ==Series 2, Episode 1== :''(Ollie has had sex with Emma. And he realizes the whole office knows about it -- much to his dismay.)'' :'''Ollie:''' Terri, is, uh -- ''(Ollie instead sees Robyn Murdoch.)'' Oh, hello, Robyn. Where's Terri? Is she not... :'''Robyn Murdoch:''' ''(smiling)'' Well, morning, Mr. Lover-Loverman! :'''Ollie:''' Does -- Does nobody else ever shag anybody else in Westminster? :'''Glenn:''' ''(pretending to be seductive)'' ''Hey, Horatio!'' ''(beat)'' How's it hanging? :'''Ollie:''' It's hanging fine. :'''Glenn:''' Sleeping with the opposition, I hear, hey? :'''Ollie:''' Not all of them. :'''Glenn:''' What do they do? Do they keep a tight hold on the fiscal, um, the fiscal, you know, um... :'''Ollie:''' Scrotum? What? What? :'''Glenn:''' ''(beside himself)'' Shagging the opposition. Never would have happened in my day. :'''Ollie:''' Well, she's not my opposite number, Glenn. 'Cause Levitt has gone to Shadow Defence, so she's doing Shadow Defence, so she's no longer Social Affairs, so... :'''Glenn:''' Did you manage to do some good while you were there and steal a few policy papers? :'''Ollie:''' It's hard to know why you're so unsuccessful with the opposite sex. I'll tell you what, though... :'''Glenn:''' I never fucked Terri. :'''Ollie:''' Oh, Terri. Did you not know? :'''Glenn:''' No. :'''Ollie:''' Malcolm's, um... :'''Glenn:''' Malcolm's what? :'''Ollie:''' Binned her. She's gone. :'''Glenn:''' You're jo... :''(At this moment, Hugh enters the office -- and even HE knows about Ollie's night of romance with Emma!)'' :'''Hugh:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Morning, studmuffin. Enjoy your walk on the wild side? How was your dip in the wild blue – pussy? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Glenn:''' Hugh, I have some wonderful news for you. Terri's gone. :'''Hugh:''' What? :'''Glenn:''' Terri. Terri's gone. :'''Hugh:''' What do you mean "gone?" :'''Ollie:''' Uh, yeah. A resignation bluff that went awry. :'''Hugh:''' ''(very happy)'' NO! YES! OH, RESULT! WHOO! WHOO! ALL RIGHT! COME ON! HIGH FIVE! :''(But Robyn comes into the office to deliver some sad news about Terri's father.)'' :'''Robyn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' Secretary of State, um, just to let you know, Terri's father's, uh, had a stroke. It's pretty serious, um, so she's gonna be gone quite awhile. :'''Hugh:''' ''(much more sympathetic)'' I'm...Oh dear, that's awful. I'm so sorry. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm and his second-in-command, Jamie, are having a good, lively talk while walking to Malcolm's office.)'' :'''Jamie:''' Where's Neil? :'''Malcolm:''' Leicester, poor fucker. You'd think that once you'd achieved a certain status, you might have been excused visiting Leicester, wouldn't you? :'''Jamie:''' Have you seen the whips' numbers? :'''Malcolm:''' NoMFuP. :'''Jamie:''' Eh? :'''Malcolm:''' NoMFuP, N-O-M-F-P, Not My Fucking Problem – I quite liked that, did you like that? :'''Jamie:''' Yeah, it's very good. :'''Malcolm:''' I think I'll use that quite a lot today. :'''Jamie:''' I'll use it as well. :''(Malcolm spots a journalist he's very happy with for doing a good profile on a government Minister.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to the journalist)'' OH HO HO! Well done with Fatty's profile. Very very good. I nearly liked the enormous fucker reading it. :''(Malcolm and Jamie continue their conversation.)'' :'''Jamie:''' What if the MOD breaks tonight? What I'm hearing is the overspend's getting more brutal by the hour. ''(Both men enter Malcolm's office.)'' They're talking about topping off at one-one and a half billion. Obviously, that's a lot of nurses. :'''Malcolm:''' Or one fantastically enormous robotic one, yeah? :'''Jamie:''' Obviously, yeah. :'''Malcolm:''' And how's the Minister? :'''Jamie:''' He's shitting himself. ''(laughs)'' He's practically kissing his driver goodbye. He said he felt like he was "in the Twin Towers on 9/11, just fucking waiting." :'''Malcolm:''' Oh, for fuck's sake. But everybody knows their lines, yeah? IT projects always overspend. :'''Jamie:''' Oh, yeah, yeah. :''(Malcolm's loyal personal assistant, Sam, enters the office. She has some papers for Malcolm to look over and sign.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Sam)'' Do you think you could manage to get me a decent cup of tea? Would that be possible? :''(Sam readily agrees.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Thank you. Try not to drip in it. :''(After Sam leaves the office, Malcolm continues his chat with Jamie.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Jamie)'' I tell you the thing that's worrying me is, er – is this dodgy? :'''Jamie:''' I don't know. The kid's firm was the second lowest bid. He says they never talked. What does it matter? :'''Malcolm:''' No, but you know me, I'm a man of principle. :'''Jamie:''' Oh, I know. :'''Malcolm:''' I like to know whether I'm lying to save the skin of a tosser or a moron. :'''Jamie:''' Probably a moron. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Ollie is preparing for his trip to Number 10 in Hugh's office.)'' :'''Hugh:''' ''(looking at Ollie's cell phone)'' Is this yours? Is this new? :'''Ollie:''' Uh, yeah. I thought I'd get it for Number 10. :'''Hugh:''' It's got a camera on it? :'''Ollie:''' Yeah. Yeah, it's on the back. :'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Happy slap him. Go on. :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Hugh)'' How do you know about happy slapping? How do ''you'' begin to know about... :''(But before Ollie could finish the question, Glenn gives Ollie a "Happy Slap" upside the head!)'' :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Get off! :'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Hang on, I missed it. No, will you do it again? :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Hugh)'' That's assault. :''(Glenn happy slaps Ollie again.)'' :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Get off, will you? :'''Hugh:''' ''(to Ollie)'' No, listen, it's all right, we can doctor the crime figures. :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' I really like this! :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' I'll punch you in your substantial gut. :''(And then, Robyn gives Ollie a happy slap, too!)'' :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Robyn)'' Fucking hell, Robyn! You little fucker! :''(Hugh and Glenn are laughing at Ollie's expense. Then, after the laughter dies down, the 2 of them decide to take a selfie of themselves on Ollie's cell phone.)'' :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' We should take one of us, so he's got something to remember us by. :''(Glenn takes the pic.)'' :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' Because, you know, at the end of the week, you're gonna be head of the Policy Unit. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, then you'll both be out. :'''Hugh:''' Giving head to the Policy Unit. :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' Hugh, can we, uh, do the prep for the factory visit now? :'''Hugh:''' Yeah. :'''Glenn:''' We're gonna get there at about 12, 12:30, okay? :'''Ollie:''' Forgot the, um... :''(Ollie picks up something from Hugh's desk -- and then gives Glenn a happy slap upside his head! Then, Ollie leaves.)'' :'''Glenn:''' ''(annoyed)'' Stupid boy. :'''Hugh:''' That ''was'' funny. :'''Glenn:''' That was funny? :'''Hugh:''' Yeah. :'''Glenn:''' I don't think it was funny. :'''Hugh:''' I'm an elected representative of the people. :'''Glenn:''' Yes? :'''Hugh:''' It was funny. <hr width="50%"/> :''(As Ollie is waiting outside Malcolm's office, Malcolm is yelling out for Sam again.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' SAM! :''(Sam comes toward Malcolm's office.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Sam, a coffee and a fucking skinny muffin, if that's possible. ''(Malcolm then sees Ollie.)'' What the fuck are ''you'' doing ''here?'' :'''Ollie:''' I thought you said today, Malcolm. Did you not say... :'''Malcolm:''' I mean what are you doing there? Come on! :'''Ollie:''' All right, sorry. I just didn't want to interrupt you, I never know what you're doing in your – :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well if the PM's giving me a blowjob I always put a sign up. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Robyn Murdoch is a senior press secretary for the Department of Social Affairs. She is traveling with Glenn and Hugh to their factory visit.)'' :'''Robyn:''' I've confirmed that they'll definitely be a regional news team filming our arrival, plus there will be four local papers. :'''Hugh:''' Regional news? :'''Glenn:''' No nationals? :'''Robyn:''' Well, this is very much a regional event. You know, I didn't think that... :'''Hugh:''' Robyn, all events are regional, hmm? Everything that happens in the world has to happen somewhere. Do you see? Even JFK's assassination was a regional event. But it was also very important. Hmm? Like this factory visit? You see that? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Geoff Holhurst)'' How much fucking shit is there on the menu, and ''what fucking FLAVOUR is it?'' :'''Ollie:''' ''(on the phone to Emma)'' Oh, Malcolm? No no, that's – I'm in a Scottish restaurant, some man's complaining 'cause they've under-fried his Mars Bar – yeah, of course it's Malcolm! ''(beat)'' Well, Malcolm's all sound major. That's him every day. It's like this furnace of shit. It's not -- it's not good for my system. :'''Geoff Holhurst:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Christian's firm put in the second lowest tender. That's Point 1. :'''Ollie:''' ''(on the phone to Emma)'' Do you fancy meeting up? Maybe tomorrow night? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Geoff)'' You're ''worse'' than dead meat. I don't know why you're laughing. You're too toxic to even feed to the vultures. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Hugh, Robyn, and Glenn arrive at the factory for their visit. Hugh gets out of the car first so he can say hello to the factory's employees.)'' :'''Hugh:''' Hello. Hello, Hugh Abbot. Nice to meet you. Hello. :''(But as soon as he starts saying hello to the employees, Hugh is caught off guard by a surprise confrontation from one of the workers!)'' :'''Factory Woman:''' Do you know what it's like to clean up your own mother's piss? :'''Hugh:''' I'm sorry? :'''Factory Woman:''' Do you? I mean, she was in that home for 16 weeks. Do you know what it's like to clean up your own mother's piss? :'''Hugh:''' That's, that's, that's very tough, isn't it? That's very, very tough, and our hearts, all our hearts, go out to you. :'''Factory Woman:''' But do you know what it's like to get down and clean up your own mother's piss? :'''Hugh:''' I-I think that I'm probably not the right person to talk to about this. :'''Factory Woman:''' Who ''do'' I talk to? :'''Hugh:''' Urinary and affairs like that are probably more, more Health. So anyway, lovely to talk to you... :''(Hugh turns his attention away from the woman and towards the factory, talking to a factory supervisor.)'' :'''Hugh:''' What a fantastic -- What a fantastic landscaping! I really do think it makes an enormous difference to the workplace when you have this relationship with... :''(But the Factory Woman won't let up.)'' :'''Factory Woman:''' But is that your answer? Is that your answer? :'''Hugh:''' Can I just say, we'll get someone to, to note your, your case and do what we can about it. :'''Factory Woman:''' You'll get someone to note my case?! ''Nobody's'' noted my case! :''(And when she sees Hugh touching her arm, she REALLY gets livid!)'' :'''Factory Woman:''' STOP IT DON'T TOUCH ME! WHAT ARE YOU TOUCHING ME FOR? YOU DON'T KNOW ME! YOU DON'T EVEN WANT TO KNOW ME, DO YOU? :'''Hugh:''' (stammering) I know, I do want, I would like to get to know you. I've just... :'''Factory Woman:''' OH, WHY ARE YOU WALKING AWAY FROM ME, THEN? Would you like to know the facts? I'll tell you about the facts. :'''Glenn:''' The minister would love to know the facts. :'''Factory Woman:''' There are two qualified nurses out of all those care assistants. Only two! :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh, quietly)'' Give her a smile... :'''Factory Woman:''' The rest are only kids! :''(Hugh gives the Factory Woman a sheepish smile, but that just makes the situation worse...)'' :'''Factory Woman:''' WHAT ARE YOU SMILING AT? WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT? DO YOU THINK IT'S FUNNY? DO YOU THINK I'M FUNNY? DO YOU THINK MY MOTHER'S PISS IS FUNNY? WELL, IT'S NOT FUNNY! SHE'S NOT LAUGHING! SHE'S PISSING HERSELF! I'M NOT LAUGHING! I'M CRYING! <hr width="50%"/> :''(A short while later, Hugh, who is on a higher level in the factory, is talking to Glenn on his cell phone. Glenn is on the ground level...and that pesky Factory Woman is screaming right at him!)'' :'''Hugh:''' Glenn? Is she still saying it? :'''Glenn:''' Oh God, yes. (Glenn turns to the Factory Woman.) Would you please just give me a moment? :''(Glenn continues his conversation with Hugh on his cell phone.)'' :'''Glenn:''' Yes. Yes, she's banging on about it even now. The trouble is, Hugh, they reckon they've got some great shots. You know... :'''Hugh:''' ''Great shots?'' :'''Glenn:''' The thing is: Don't panic. :''(The Factory Woman finally gets more of her 2 cents in...)'' :'''Factory Woman:''' ...BECAUSE IT'S DISGUSTING! YOU CANNOT TREAT PEOPLE LIKE THIS! :''(Glenn's patience has finally run out.)'' :'''Glenn:''' CAN YOU PLEASE SHUT UP FOR ONE FUCKING MINUTE? I'm asking nicely. Please! :''(Glenn finishes his phone conversation with Hugh.)'' :'''Glenn:''' Now, Hugh -- look, I'm gonna have to hang up. :'''Factory Woman:''' Did you enjoy that? Did you enjoy that? <hr width="50%"/> :''(Meanwhile at Number 10, Malcolm and Jamie are having a stern chat with Geoff Holhurst's son, Christian.)'' :'''Jamie:''' ''(to Christian Holhurst)'' Your dad told us that he didn't know you worked for the company. You never told him. :''(Ollie's cell phone rings...)'' :'''Ollie:''' ''(answering his phone)'' Ollie Reeder? ''(beat)'' Um -- Sorry, who is this? :'''Christian Holhurst:''' ''(to Jamie and Malcolm)'' Obviously, he knew, but... :'''Ollie:''' ''(on his phone)'' No, I've never cleaned up my own mother's piss. ''(Ollie's talking to the Factory Woman.)'' Sorry, what? Who-Who are you? :'''Jamie:''' ''(to Christian)'' Well, you-you ''do'' talk to your dad? :'''Ollie:''' ''(on his cell)'' Well, how did you get... :'''Jamie:''' ''(to Christian)'' NO, YOU FUCKING DON'T! That is the wrong answer! The wrong fucking answer! :'''Ollie:''' ''(on his cell)'' Please don't be aggressive. I will call back. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Christian)'' You tell your corporate affairs people. Otherwise, I'm gonna come over there and fucking maim every single fucking one of them. Okay? Good to see you. All right? Well done, Christian. <hr width="50%"/> :''(In this scene, Malcolm has arrived at ITN, a news network, to meet Mark Davies, the news producer. Malcolm & Mark are in the production room discussing footage of Hugh being confronted at the factory by the Factory Woman.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(introducing himself to Mark)'' Mark? Hi, Mark Davies? I'm Malcolm. We've spoken on the phone. :'''Mark Davies:''' Yes. :'''Malcolm:''' Do you mind if I pop in? It's just -- I was in seeing Pam. and everyone started talking about the Hugh thing. :'''Mark:''' Yes... :''(Mark nods his head in agreement with Malcolm as they look at the footage.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Do you see what I have to work with? :'''Mark:''' I know, Malcolm. He doesn't look great, does he? :''(As they continue looking at the footage, Malcolm starts to attempt to play director.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Mark's assistant)'' That shot, are you going to use that? :'''Mark:''' Malcolm. :''(Mark doesn't want Malcolm touching the equipment.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Sorry, sorry. :'''Mark:''' Don't touch that. :'''Malcolm:''' This isn't in the package, is it, Mark? :''(Sure enough, Malcolm's inner director starts channeling inside him again.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Mark's assistant)'' You're not using that. You can't use that. ''(to Mark)'' This is dumbing down of the news agenda that people like me and your boss's boss really object to. And I'm gonna mention this to him when I see him on Friday, by the way. :'''Mark:''' Malcolm, this is a traditional old-fashioned news story, called 'Minister looks a tit'. :'''Malcolm:''' Hey, everybody looks a tit, you know? Take two of these shots of him looking moronic out. Leave a couple in of him looking a little bit dim, put one of him composed, drop it down the running order, and we've got a deal. :'''Mark:''' I'm not – Deal, what deal, Malcolm? He looks a tit, that's it. I'm sorry. :'''Malcolm:''' But there is a difference between allowing someone's natural tittishness to come through, and just exploiting it through camera work here! You're sticking one tit moment on top of another tit moment. That wouldn't happen in real life. And do you know about that woman? Have you made any inquiries into the background of that woman? :'''Mark:''' I'm sure my researchers have, yes. :'''Malcolm:''' Yes. Your researchers have? Well, well, I'm gonna tell you I don't think they have. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' Stats, percentages, international comparison, information! Email them fucking WADS of information! And tell them they'd better get their heads around it before they put pen to paper, or I'll be up their arses like a fucking Biafran ferret, right? COME ON, UNLEASH HELL! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hugh:''' Sometimes I...You know, when you meet the real...the actual people...Don't you ever, I mean, just look at the little, beady eyes and mean mouths sort of sneering, and...I mean, I know this is what they think people like me think, so I hate thinking it, but I just find myself thinking they're from a different fucking species. You know, with their T-shirts and weird trousers and tabards. Why do they wear clothes with writing on them? And why are they so fucking fat? :'''Glenn:''' I know, and stupid. :'''Hugh:''' God, I hate this place. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm and Jamie are about to give Ollie an important mission...)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Ollie. :'''Jamie:''' ''(to Ollie)'' We need you to fuck Hugh for us. ''(beat)'' Okay? :'''Ollie:''' ''(reluctantly)'' Okay. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' I need you to go over to Mark Davies at ITN, right? They're 50/50 on bumping Hugh up to top of the bill with the Piss Woman, right? Can you sort that out for me? ''(Ollie agrees)'' Good lad. Okay, see you later. :'''Ollie:''' ''(seeing a bag of chips from a bin on his chair)'' Oh nice, very nice. :'''Jamie:''' WELL GO FOR FUCK'S SAKE, YOU BIG FUCKING PRICK! I'LL CUT YOUR FUCKING EARS OFF, WE NEED IT DONE! :'''Ollie:''' When I met you this morning, I thought you were the nice Scot! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ollie:''' Fuck's sake. ''(Ollie answers his phone)'' Oliver Reeder. :'''Malcolm:''' Have you sorted it, Ollie? :'''Ollie:''' It's not quite sorted just yet, Malcolm, it's difficult – :'''Malcolm:''' Shall I send Jamie over? Would you like that? :'''Ollie:''' No, no – :'''Malcolm:''' You and Jamie and a rubber truncheon, locked in that fucking newsroom together. :'''Ollie:''' No, I'm fine. :'''Malcolm:''' Then make me happy. Bring me sunshine. :'''Ollie:''' Right, I'll make you happy, Malcolm. ''(Ollie hangs up)'' Dickwad. ''(Ollie's phone rings again. He answers it)'' Oliver Reeder. :'''Jamie:''' Hey all right, shitebag, you done it yet? :'''Ollie:''' I'm just in the middle of doing it right now, but every time I try – :'''Jamie:''' WELL, FUCKING HURRY UP! GET OFF THE FUCKING PHONE! :'''Ollie:''' ''(Ollie hangs up)'' Fuck's sake! ''(His phone rings yet again. He answers)'' I'm fucking doing it! I'm just – Sorry Emma, yeah, hi. I'm stuck in that meeting about equal pay. It's just – it's gone over. But, uh, but - Hey, you know, tonight. Are we still on? ''(beat)'' Yeah. Yeah, ''Solaris,'' here we come. Bye. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Hugh and Glenn are finally back from the disastrous factory visit, talking about...piss.)'' :'''Hugh:''' Have you, though? :'''Glenn:''' What? :'''Hugh:''' Ever cleaned up your own mother's piss? :'''Glenn:''' No, I never knew my mother, Hugh. As you know. :'''Hugh:''' Sorry. Have you--have you ever cleaned up your stepmother's piss? :'''Glenn:''' No, I never cleaned her piss. It wasn't that kind of relationship. :'''Hugh:''' No, nor me. Though I have to say, I've done Alicia's piss and Charlie's piss. I mean, you know, loads, loads of it. But, you know, it's only piss. It's -- Yeah, thanks. I mean, she was going on as if it was some sort of toxic waste or something, but it's, what's a bit of piss? <hr width="50%"/> :''(In the Number 10 Newsroom, Malcolm and the team are about to watch the ITN News.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' All right, folks, here we go. :''(The top story on the news is about Hugh's disastrous factory visit.)'' :'''News Announcer:''' ''Tonight, dramatic pictures...'' :''(The newsroom office cheers.)'' :'''News Announcer:''' ''...of voter anger over the NHS.'' :'''Jamie:''' ''(happily)'' Anything other than Number One spot is a big win. :'''News Announcer:''' ''...spin doctor thought our tape had stopped running.'' :''(Sure enough, Ollie's cell phone pic of Glenn appears on the TV screen...with the sound of Glenn getting mad.)'' :'''Glenn:''' ''CAN YOU PLEASE SHUT UP FOR ONE F$%@#!G MINUTE?'' :'''Jamie:''' ''(quite amused)'' Oh oh oh, he is so fucked! ''(to Ollie)'' Hey, good photo. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah. Well, you know, it's a good phone. :'''Hugh:''' ''What fantastic landscaping...'' :''(More howls of laughter emanate from the newsroom.)'' <hr width="50%"/> :''(Back at Hugh's office, Glenn is sitting in a chair beside himself. Hugh is pacing the floor.)'' :'''Glenn:''' Who do you think looked worse? You or me? :'''Hugh:''' Well, I mean, I looked bad, but you said bad. I suppose on balance, um, honestly...You, really. :'''Glenn:''' ''(quiet, but annoyed)'' Great. :''(Glenn's cell phone rings.)'' :'''Glenn:''' Oh. Go away. :''(Glenn hangs up on the call...and after a few moments...)'' :'''Glenn:''' I don't know if I'm gonna survive this, Hugh. They're gonna be all over me like shingles. ''(Glenn's cell phone rings again.)'' They are all over me like shingles! :''(Glenn hangs up on the call again...More awkward silence...)'' :'''Hugh:''' It'll be OK. :'''Glenn:''' Do you think? :'''Hugh:''' Yeah, it'll probably be fine. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Ollie has stopped answering his cell phone. Let's hear what his voicemails have to say.)'' :'''Hugh:''' ''(in a voicemail)'' Ollie, hi, it's Hugh. I just wanted to say thank you very very much. The way you shifted the spotlight onto Glenn was quite Tucker-esque, really very [[w:Machievelli|Malc-iavellian]], if you know what I mean. Well done, and bye bye. :'''Factory Woman:''' ''(in a voicemail)'' Hello, Ollie. Just seen myself on the news. Okay, let's get something done now. And, uh, I'll be phoning you every day until we do sort out my mother and her problem. Thank you. <hr width="50%"/> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Jamie:''' Oh, don't worry about Malcolm, he's only about half as scary as he thinks he is. Well, here, you can have this desk, it's free. :'''Ollie:''' OK. :'''Jamie:''' Don't worry, she won't be coming back. Hey, Joe, Joe! This guy is your replacement. I'm not fucking joking, by the way. Ollie, this is Frankie. Frankie, this is Ollie. ''(Ollie extends his hand to Frankie, who ignores it)'' Frankie, I don't know what happened, but I somehow – you know those numbers I asked you for? I never found them on my desk. Maybe somebody stole them. Or, maybe, maybe, you're fucking me around. And if you fuck me around again, I'll tell you something: ''(laughs slightly)'' I am going to rip your fucking head off, and shit right down into your neck, ''(grabs Frankie's head)'' and then I'm going to stick your FUCKING head back on, and SHIT ON THAT! ==Series 2, Episode 2== :''(At the start of this episode, Hugh is talking on his cell phone to someone about the impending "Cabinet Reshuffle.")'' :'''Hugh:''' ''(on his cell phone)'' No, Derek. I'm not presuming anything. It's entirely up to the PM. I'll just go wherever he wants me to go. I'm gonna have to go. Bye-bye. :''(Next, Hugh and Ollie, who's right behind him, both meet up with Robyn and congratulate her on getting a place at Malcolm's 8:30 press meeting.)'' :'''Hugh:''' ''(to Robyn)'' Good morning. :'''Robyn:''' ''(cheekily smiling)'' Morning, Minister. :'''Hugh:''' Are you just off to your 8:30 with Malcolm? :'''Robyn:''' Yep yep. :'''Hugh:''' First one? :'''Robyn:''' Into the Lion's Den, Viper's Pit. :'''Hugh:''' "The Belly of the Beast, the Lair of the White Worm." :'''Ollie:''' The Eye of the Snake. :'''Hugh:''' Not all the departments get asked to the 8:30, so... :'''Robyn:''' That's true. :'''Hugh:''' A great honor that we are in there with the big hitters. Always best to be inside the tent, pissing out. :'''Ollie:''' Absolutely. If you were, you know, doing this over at Environment and Rural Affairs, you'd be, uh, at 8:30 you'd be very much outside the tent, wouldn't you? Probably at Coffee Republic. :'''Hugh:''' Covered in piss. Good luck. You'll be fine. You don't need good luck. Yeah. :'''Robyn:''' What about the...piss? :'''Hugh:''' ''(reassuring Robyn)'' No no no, it's just a figure of speech. :'''Robyn:''' I'd better go. :'''Ollie:''' See you later, Robyn. :'''Robyn:''' OK. :'''Ollie:''' ''(looking at his cell phone)'' I'm sure there's a way of... :'''Hugh:''' ''(chasing after Robyn)'' Robyn! :''(Hugh just remembered to ask Robyn a question.)'' :'''Hugh:''' ''(whispering to Robyn)'' Robyn, sorry. Could you try and pick up any signals you can from Malcolm about -- about the, um...about the reshuffle? :'''Robyn:''' I've really got to go now, because I don't want to be late. :'''Hugh:''' Yeah, God, don't be late! :'''Robyn:''' Apparently, they shout things at the last one in. :'''Glenn:''' ''(entering the scene)'' If anyone shouts at you, they'll have to answer to me. I'll box his ears. :''(Robyn leaves)'' :'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Box his ears? If that was flirting, that was absolutely crap. :'''Glenn:''' What? :'''Hugh:''' Box his ears? How long is it since you've had sex? :'''Glenn:''' That is between me and my internet service provider. Anyway, about this morning's – :'''Ollie:''' ''(chuckling)'' You've actually gone red, Glenn. Look at you. :'''Hugh:''' Yeah, you have. Look, you've gone red. :'''Glenn:''' I have not gone red. ''(points to his folder)'' That's red. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah! :'''Hugh:''' Look, he can hardly walk properly. :<hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm Tucker is having his 8:30 meeting with all the reporters and press officers from various government departments.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(entering the room)'' Morning morning morning morning! :'''Everyone else:''' Morning. :'''Malcolm:''' OK, I want to have a little bit of a think about, um, some of our presentational issues with regard to yesterday. There seems to have been a bit of a problem last night with, uh, Liam on ''Newsnight.'' I would like to know why did we have a Minister on last night who did not appear to know their lines. :'''Reporter #1:''' It's not all his fault, Malcolm. We-we grilled him beforehand. :'''Malcolm:''' You grilled him? :'''Reporter #1:''' He's got a new baby. He's not getting enough sleep. :'''Malcolm:''' I don't care if he's got a new baby. I don't care whether he's tired. He looked like he didn't know what he was fucking talking about. Now I know he doesn't know what he's fucking talking about, but he's got to appear as if he does, right? ''(Malcolm starts pointing at all the reporters.)'' And that is your job and your job. ''(He continues pointing.)'' And yours and yours and yours and yours and yours and yours and yours and yours and yours. With all due respect of ministers, give them the lines. Right? :'''Robyn:''' Give them all the lines to say? :''(Malcolm introduces the other reporters to Robyn.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' This is the delightful Robyn. She's just with us today. She's standing in for, eh, Terri Coverley at the Department of, uh, Social Affairs. So let's be gentle with her, please. No remarks about the Department of Stuffed Anuses, or the Department of Stupid Announcements, or the Department of Sod All. ''(Laughter emanates from the room.)'' Right, next. :'''Robyn:''' Reshuffle? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Robyn, smiling)'' Yes, there is, uh, a pending reshuffle, I can see we're not gonna get anything past you! "There was a young girl from DOSA, who helped herself to a samosa." ''(Malcolm jokingly makes a karate chop.)'' Argh! Next time I'll come up with something. Just a bit of fun. Um...Yes, the reshuffle. No, yes, well, definitely, we-we don't know anything. ''I'' don't know anything. So, um, we can't say anything. But you know, even if we did, we wouldn't. But we don't, so we both can't and won't. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' ''(asked for a line about Julius Nicholson at his 8.30 meeting)'' 'Julius Nicholson is a hugely respected adviser. He now has a wide-ranging brief, and his blue-sky vision and helicopter thinking will enable this Government to go, in his own phrase, "beyond delivery, and beyond that".' That's the line, OK? And if he does stick his baldy head round your door and comes up with some stupid idea about 'policemen's helmets should be yellow', or 'let's set up a department to count the moon', just treat him like someone with Alzheimer's disease, you know? Just say to him, "Oh, yeah, that's lovely, that's good. We must talk about that later." OK? <hr width="50%"/> :''(Hugh is now at Malcolm's office at Number 10. Hugh wants to talk to Malcolm about the impending reshuffle.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(on his mobile)'' In no way, shape or form is it gonna have any ''(knock at door)'' – Come the fuck in, or fuck the fuck off. :'''Hugh:''' ''(entering)'' Well I'll come the fuck in then. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(back on his mobile)'' It's just something that Nicholson's flown, you know. It's a kind of brain exercise, like "What would it be like if men had tits?", you know? [[wikipedia:Mark_Mardell|Mark Mardell]], yeah, ''(laughs)'' that's pretty good, actually. All right, then. See you, then. ''(hangs up)'' Hugh? :'''Hugh:''' I thought you would want to know as soon as possible. :'''Malcolm:''' What? :'''Hugh:''' Terri's dad. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah? :'''Hugh:''' No news at the moment. :'''Malcolm:''' Right, so you've come to talk about the reshuffle, yeah? :'''Hugh:''' Yeah, I have. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah? :'''Hugh:''' In terms of shuffley stuff, how is Neil? I mean, is his heart... :'''Malcolm:''' Have you not heard? :'''Hugh:''' No. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(sighing heavily)'' He's paralysed. :'''Hugh:''' Oh no. :'''Malcolm:''' Neil's on wheels. :'''Hugh:''' You're kidding. :'''Malcolm:''' He's a vegetable. :'''Hugh:''' Oh my God. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. :''(A lengthy silence follows...and then...)'' :'''Malcolm:''' That means you could have his department. :'''Hugh:''' Oh, you are kidding. Well, fuck you very much. :'''Malcolm:''' Well, I know that you're looking for mouth-to-mouth in the reshuffle, but I don't know anything about it. I mean, the PM is still working it out on the back of a Coldplay CD as we speak. :''(It's time to meet Julius Nicholson, the Advisor to the Prime Minister. Julius is now entering Malcolm's office.)'' :'''Julius Nicholson:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Are you in, sir? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Julius)'' Oh! Mr. Julius Nicholson. :'''Hugh:''' ''(shaking Julius's hand)'' Hello, nice to see you again. :''(Hugh lets Julius have his seat, and Malcolm and Julius start up a conversation.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Julius)'' What proposals have you got for us today? How about a ban on sand castles? :'''Julius:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' I just wanted to find out if you're coming to my FSG briefing this afternoon. :'''Malcolm:''' FSG briefing? :'''Julius:''' Forward Strategy Group, Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' Well, you know, Julius, I think I'm just gonna have to send one of the -- I'll send one of the boys. I have got so much work to do here, what with this, uh, the MOD... :'''Julius:''' As the minister said to the prince, don't be surprised if we abolish you. I'll leave it with you. :''(Julius gets up and leave the office. Malcolm and Hugh resume their conversation.)'' :'''Hugh:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' That was a bit, um...Are you all right? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(annoyed)'' I'm fucking all right. I can fucking look after myself. :'''Hugh:''' Under the spotlight now, aren't you? :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well, ''you'' should just watch your own back, what with the missus dripping poison into the big guy's ear about you. :'''Hugh:''' Missus? What missus? :'''Malcolm:''' The Prime Minister's missus. Oh, what? You don't know? She doesn't like the cut of your jib, son. :'''Hugh:''' She doesn't -- She's hardly ''seen'' my jib. I just had a conversation with her at the New Year's party, that's all. ''(beat)'' Why doesn't she like me? I mean, what's not to like? :'''Malcolm:''' I mean, you just didn't click. :'''Hugh:''' ''(exasperated)'' We couldn't click! We were talking about the fucking Euro! How are you supposed to click over the Euro? It's fucking impossible. :'''Malcolm:''' Don't take it so personally. :'''Hugh:''' You're telling me she doesn't like me as a person! How else am I supposed to take it? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ollie:''' Robyn, can you send these back to archives, 'cause they're not even highlighted, I'm not going to plough through all that myself. While you're talking to them, I need the last four months of the European Digest. I'm going to be moving – :'''Robyn:''' Is it 'cause you fancy me, is that what this is all about? :'''Ollie:''' Sorry? :'''Robyn:''' Why are you so bloody rude to me? I mean, that's got to be the reason. Other people, when they come in here, they knock on the door and they say "hello", "good morning", "thank you" and "nice top" sometimes. :'''Ollie:''' Right, um, well, no. I mean, for a start, I don't fancy you. I don't know where you got that in your head, but it's probably best to get it out. If I'm slightly polite to you on a semi-regular basis, will that in any way bypass it? :'''Robyn:''' I think that would definitely do it. :'''Ollie:''' Right, fantastic. Well, thank you very much for the work you do; hi, by the way, how are you? :'''Robyn:''' I'm really well, actually. :'''Ollie:''' Great, that's great; you look lovely; can I have the fucking Digest, please? That would be terrific. :'''Robyn:''' All you had to do was ask me. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, well, all I did do is ask. ''(Robyn bends down to get something)'' Phwoar! ''(She gets up and stares at Ollie)'' It was a joke. <hr width="50%"/>'' :''(Hugh and Ollie are discussing the latest Cabinet meeting.)'' :'''Hugh:''' I did mention your great quiet carriages thing and he just – ''(pulls a slightly disgusted face)'' :'''Ollie:''' Well what does that mean? :'''Hugh:''' Fuck knows what it means, but I don't think it means, "Oh, Hugh, you're fantastic. Here, become Home Secretary". And even if it did mean that, when he's in bed tonight with Mrs PM, flossing, then she'll say, "What do you mean, Hugh Abbot as Home Secretary? The man is a social spastic and very probably a registered nonce, darling." <hr width="50%"/> :''(This scene starts with Malcolm on his desk phone in his office.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(on the phone)'' This is just another example of thinking out of the box by someone who's clearly out of his fucking tree. :''(Someone's knocking on Malcolm's door -- and that someone is Julius Nicholson. Again.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(on the phone)'' Alright, I've got to go. I'll talk to you later. :'''Julius:''' ''(entering the office)'' Ah, Malcolm Tucker! :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Julius)'' Julius Nicholson! What can I do you for? :''(Both men sit down in their chairs for a chat.)'' :'''Julius:''' I am keen to have a chat with, um, Keith Percival. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. Uh, that won't be possible. :'''Julius:''' And I need to read the O'Rourke papers. :'''Malcolm:''' I'm afraid not. Anything else? :''(Uh-oh...this is gonna be a long, uncomfortable conversation.)'' :'''Julius:''' Look, Malcolm, you and I both know full well that my power and authority flows directly from the PM. If you've got a problem... :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well, Keith is so busy with real governmental work that he doesn't have time to discuss with you your ideas and theories. The O'Rourke papers are not relevant to anything that we can actually action at this moment. :'''Julius:''' That's slightly funny, because when I played tennis with the PM -- which I do as I'm sure you know, every Sunday -- he was saying just how much he was looking forward to seeing that paper. :'''Malcolm:''' He does think that your theories are interesting. He tells me that, because, you know, I see him every day. I also see him on a Sunday when I get together with his family and I make the fucking waffles. ''BUT'' -- I cannot allow you to come in here and interfere with the actual process of government. :'''Julius:''' Malcolm, that is my -- that is my ''JOB!'' That's my job! :'''Malcolm:''' Well, you're doing it very fucking well. :'''Julius:''' Malcolm, I'm sorry. There are gonna be big changes around here. Get used to it. We'll announce all this at the reshuffle. :'''Malcolm:''' With all due respect, Julius, the reshuffle is the business of the PM and the PM alone, which means that that is my business. It is my remit. :'''Julius:''' No, Malcolm. Historically, yes. But now it's part of my remit. :'''Malcolm:''' Right. OK, I'll tell you what we should do. ''(getting up)'' Why don't we just get our remits out, slap them on the table, and see who's got the biggest fucking remit? :'''Julius:''' ''(standing up)'' Mal-Mal -- Malcolm, Malcolm, we need to talk about accommodation, we need to talk about access... :'''Malcolm:''' Accommodation? Why am I talking about accommodation? :'''Julius:''' It's a 21-man department. We can't fit upstairs. This is ideal. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(confused)'' 21 men in here? :'''Julius:''' Not just in here, no. This office here will be perfectly usable, for not only myself... :'''Malcolm:''' That's not an office. :'''Julius:''' Yes, it is an office. :'''Malcolm:''' It's a pantry. :'''Julius:''' Well, whatever it is, we will refit this out as a working office... :'''Malcolm:''' ''(opening the pantry door)'' Julius, it's a fucking pantry. Look. :'''Julius:''' So what? What we'll do is we will kick through this -- Bang, straight into the PM's private study. ''(Julius shuts the pantry door.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(talking while eating something)'' What are people gonna say -- when they come in and they say, "Where is Julius Nicholson?" :'''Julius:''' I'm here. :'''Malcolm:''' He's in the pantry! :'''Julius:''' ''(knocking on the pantry door)'' Here I am. :'''Malcolm:''' You know what they're gonna do? They're gonna ridicule you. :''(Malcolm and Julius are talking over each other, and then Malcolm cracks wise...)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''Where's the bankrupt in the cupboard?'' :'''Julius:''' Why are you behaving like a complete and utter prick? :'''Malcolm:''' I'm supposed to polish you up, burnish you up. Yeah, and when you get your big break and you're on fucking ''Call My Bluff'' or whatever it is, I'm supposed to... :''(Malcolm sees Julius heading for the door to leave the office.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Come back in here! Oi! Come back in here! JULIUS! Get the fuck back in here! :''(Julius reluctantly comes back in Malcolm's office, and Julius tries to lecture Malcolm while he's talking.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Please! Please! Come back. Let's be civilised. Let's-let's be civilised about it. Let's be civilised, come on. Let's be -- there ''are'' human resources, let's be civilised about it. Go over to your fucking pantry, right. :'''Julius:''' This is a perfectly usable office space... :'''Malcolm:''' ''(shutting the pantry door)'' Cool it for one minute, okay? Cool it. And just fucking cool it, shut up and fucking listen to me. This is an old fucking Georgian door. Do you know how long this has been here? :'''Julius:''' No I don't. :'''Malcolm:''' Since the time of Elizabeth I, at least. Now look at that. :''(Julius laughs in utter disbelief.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' That does not open. Look at it. Look at it. Try opening it. Come on. Surely, this is the kind of stuff you like. Character building, team building. Put your hand over mine. Try to open the door. Come on, Julius. It's my fucking pantry. :''(Malcolm and Julius are still talking over each other endlessly...)'' :'''Julius:''' It's not your pantry. It's my fucking pantry. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Discussing Julius Nicholson)'' :'''Hugh''': Can't we just kill him, shoot him? :'''Ollie''': What about we just fire him at a wall from a cannon. Just a wall two feet away. :'''Glenn''': I know, we force feed him with a mixture of garlic and Dettol in Cup-a-Soup. :'''Hugh''': What about the old red-hot poker up the arse? Edward II? :''(Julius walks in)'' :'''Ollie''': I'd like to nail him to a tree through the head and watch lice slowly crawl over his body, eating off the flesh in a slow and painful death, ''(having already noticed Julius)'' but that rather bitter anomaly aside, most of the responses to the Warwick report press cuttings were pretty positive. :<hr width="50%" />'''Hugh''' ''(to Ollie)'': I ''am'' desperate, but I don't really want to ''look'' desperate, like Glenn. :'''Glenn''' ''(entering)'': Oh, God, here we go again. Yeah, like Glenn, what? :'''Hugh:''' Well, I was just saying, the last time you saw a snatch was... :'''Ollie:''' ''[[wikipedia:Basic_Instinct|Basic Instinct]]''. :'''Hugh:''' You see, that's good. That's the kind of repartee I need with the PM's wife. It's that final k-tsssss! you see, that's the bit I'm missing. :'''Glenn:''' Yeah, well, I think you could drop the snatch material with the PM's wife, don't you? :'''Hugh:''' Well, OK, between the snatch and the Euro there's some sort of happy medium.<hr width="50%" />'''Malcolm''' ''(on the phone)'': He is not getting anywhere near my fucking pantry, I tell you that. That door is staying as open as a fat whore's bonehole.<hr width="50%" />'''Hugh:''' Sorry I'm late, traffic was an absolute bitch. No offence, Robyn. :<hr width="50%"/> '''Julius:''' It's Paul Webster, US Economics Secretary of State. He's unexpectedly coming over, and the Treasury are hosting a bash for him this evening. Don't tell me you've not been invited. :'''Hugh:''' Yes, no, I have. It's just that I'm actually bashing myself tonight. :'''Julius:''' So you – you've got your own bash here? :'''Hugh:''' Uh yeah. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah. :'''Julius:''' Ah! Back up, everybody, put the brakes on! We've got a bash happening here tonight and at the Treasury? :'''Hugh:''' Yeah. It sounds complicated but I like to, um, maximise my face. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hugh''': ''(telling a joke at his party)'' And Julius, Julius Nicholson, says, ”I'm sorry but I think you'll find you're sitting in my seat.” :''(No one laughs)'' :'''Hugh''': And this was to God, as I mentioned in the setup. Anyway, have a lovely time. ''(to Ollie, whispering)'' A fiver if you set off the sprinklers. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hugh:''' Why didn't you tell me, Glenn? What possible reason did you have? You saw me, I was swinging like a colostomy bag! :'''Glenn:''' Oh, Hugh, grow up! Stuff happens in this department every day, I can't tell you everything! :'''Hugh:''' Since when, Glenn, since when does the Secretary of State for Social Affairs have to find out ''from the fucking press'' that every morning at 8:30 I'm being fisted up to the gallbladder by a bald man? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' Right, guys, thanks very much for staying on. Julius Nicholson, right? :'''Glenn:''' Yep. :'''Malcolm:''' Blue sky thinker? Ex-business guru? Dog rapist? :'''Hugh:''' Quite possibly. :'''Malcolm:''' He's being a nuisance to me; he also has got plans to squeeze ''your'' department so hard you'll be lucky if you're left with one bollock between the three of you. So all I am doing here is asking you, formally, if you will join me in a little bit of a circle jerk. :'''Hugh:''' Circle jerk? What? :'''Ollie:''' It's when a lot of guys in a circle all, you know. ''(to Malcolm)'' Well, I assume you don't mean literally, do you? Presumably? :<hr width="50%" />'''Glenn:''' ''(on the phone to a journalist)'' Yeah I know it's probably bollocks, but that's what we all thought when Jim was up for Home Secretary, and then the next thing you know, he's given up the Colombian marching powder and taken up the sacraments. :<hr width="50%" />'''Malcolm''' ''(arriving at his 8.30 meeting)'': Morning, morning, morning! So what's the story in [[wikipedia:Balamory|Bala-fucking-mory]]? :'''A press officer:''' Reshuffle! :'''Malcolm:''' Excellent! You win a year's supply of condoms, which in your case is four.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Malcolm:''' So how was Cabinet this morning? :'''Hugh:''' It was good. Obviously, with reshuffle coming up, everybody's desperate to impress. Clare went round the room on a unicycle juggling burning kittens, but er – She didn't really, but what she did do was pretty embarrassing. :'''Malcolm:''' OK. :'''Hugh:''' And in terms of shuffle-y stuff, Carol ended up in Neil's seat. What do you think ''that'' means? :'''Malcolm:''' Well, I think that means that Carol wants to be nearer the biscuits, just in case her blood sugar level drops. That woman, she's unbelievable. I have seen her go into second reading debates with Pringles! Her star is somewhat on the wane, I think she's going a bit downward, actually, [[wikipedia:Secretary_of_State_for_Constitutional_Affairs|Constitutional Affairs]]. :'''Hugh:''' Ooh, that's gonna hurt, Constitutional Affairs, that's the [[wikipedia:Geri_Halliwell|Ginger Spice]] of the – :'''Malcolm:''' Of the what, Hugh? Of the what? :'''Hugh:''' Of the Gov– the whole – :'''Malcolm:''' Ginger Spice. Jesus Christ, what – what fucking century are you living in? :'''Hugh:''' There was a fantastic feature about Ginger in the ''[[wikipedia:Heat_(magazine)|Heat]]'' magazine. Apparently she shaves downstairs and she's working for UNICEF or some sort of – :'''Malcolm:''' Hugh, you are talking absolute fucking drivel.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Hugh:''' It looked like Fatty was the one who was on his way out, but now it could just as likely be me. :'''Ollie:''' Well look, Hugh, if you're worried about Fatty we can always start gently briefing against him, I know it's late in the day and, you know, obviously it's not the first thing that we want to be doing – :'''Hugh:''' Yeah, 'Abbot says Fatty's a twat'. Does that make Fatty look like a twat? I think it makes me look like a twat for calling him a twat. :'''Ollie:''' Mm – it doesn't have to be you directly, does it? That's the point. :'''Hugh:''' Robyn? Come on, it's like giving a child a firework. :'''Ollie:''' Well, not Robyn. :'''Hugh:''' Actually that's where your bit of skirt – sorry, whatever the modern – your ho, your ho could actually be quite helpful. If you were just to leave some compromising bits of anti-Fatty documents, you know, just lying by the loo – :'''Ollie:''' Whoa, whoa. Just blatantly using Emma, I'm really not comfortable with that. :'''Hugh:''' Can I remind you, in the last 12 hours you've described her as being 'as mad as a jackdaw on crack', 'castratingly right-wing zealot', and also 'disappointingly below par in the blowjob department', so why the sudden outbreak of principle?<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Glenn:''' Are you still in the frame for ''[[wikipedia:Question_Time_(TV_series)|Question Time]]''? :'''Hugh:''' I am, but I think they're gonna go for Fatty to take advantage of the widescreen option. ''(Ollie laughs.)'' Any, erm – Are there any shuffle-y rumours? :'''Glenn:''' Yeah, yeah. Rob thinks Gerry's got the Foreign Office. :'''Ollie:''' The thing about this, moving offices, just from one place to another, completely different, it's just fucked as a system, isn't it? Because if you – it wouldn't happen in any other job – if you were, you know, Professor of Medieval English in Oxford and you were sitting in your study and somebody came through the door and went, 'Hey, guess what? You're now, er, Professor of Zoology, we want you in the other [[wikipedia:Quadrangle_(architecture)|quad]]', you know, that would be mental, you'd be sitting in a room like a stuffed tit just saying to people, 'How many Os in Zoology? I don't really know, this isn't really my field', and all of that information that you've built up over years and years about [[Geoffrey Chaucer|Chaucer]] or whatever is of absolutely no use to you any more because Chaucer didn't really write about baboons. :'''Hugh:''' Ollie, these are very undergraduate concerns; my point is you don't have to be an expert to make decisions. :'''Glenn:''' That's why you have advisors, you twat. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, I am being serious, Glenn. :'''Glenn:''' Yes, so am I, you are a twat. :'''Hugh:''' I mean, the point is, a lot of knowledge is a dangerous thing. :''(Hugh's office phone rings; Glenn answers it)'' :'''Ollie:''' It's 'a little knowledge is a dangerous thing'. :'''Hugh:''' Well exactly, so a lot of knowledge is ''incredibly'' dangerous. ==Series 2, Episode 3== :''(A few moments ago, Hugh said that he does not want to close down schools for kids with special needs. He is now in his office discussing the Special Needs Bill with Glenn.)'' :'''Hugh:''' Glenn, the Special Needs Bill. With your, you know, particular interest, I can't do this. :'''Glenn:''' You know my views, you know. Inclusion is an illusion. It doesn't work. :'''Hugh:''' But you-you don't mind if I -- if I go ahead with it? :'''Glenn:''' Of course not. You know, look...you're only following orders. :'''Hugh:''' Oh, thanks. So you won't make me feel bad except by comparing me to a concentration camp guard? :'''Glenn:''' No. Right. Yeah. :'''Hugh:''' Now, tomorrow. Select Committee, that's Ballantine, isn't it? :''(But before Hugh and Glenn can continue discussing the Special Needs Bill, Ollie barges in and interrupts.)'' :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Hugh and Glenn)'' Sorry, I'm sorry to interrupt. Who wants to go and watch Bollockvision? :'''Hugh:''' Bollockvision? :'''Ollie:''' Mr. Malcolm Tucker, turning it all the way up to eleven, down in the lobby. Come and have a look. :''(They all go out onto the balcony. On the other side of the atrium, on their floor, Malcolm is shouting at another Minister.)'' :'''Hugh:''' Oh, poor Keith. Malcolm must fucking love this place: Four ministers in one building. It's his dream, a one-stop bollock-shop. :'''Glenn:''' Trouble is, we're gonna be getting some of that in about an hour. :'''Hugh:''' Yeah. I don't know which is worse, watching him slowly rumble towards you like prostate cancer, or him appearing suddenly out of nowhere like a severe stroke. :''(Terri, whose father died after a stroke, turns towards Hugh.)'' :'''Hugh:''' Oh. How's your sister coping? <hr width="50%"/> :''(The Department of Social Affairs has been renamed "The Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship" -- DoSAC for short.)'' :'''Glenn:''' So, Hugh, this -- this new word, 'Citizenship.' Did the PM actually outline what it entails? :'''Hugh:''' Well, to be honest, I think he was making the reshuffle up as he-as he went along, and I think we were very lucky that 'Citizenship' was the first word that sprang to mind. Otherwise we could be the Department for Social Affairs and Woodland Folk. :'''Ollie:''' See, the problem is, though, Hugh, that there's been a bit of a rush with you not in place. Uh, you know, every department trying to unload all the stuff that they didn't want. But it's been like somebody driving a lorry down Whitehall, shouting "Bring out your shit." And they have and it's ended up at our door. :'''Hugh:''' So what are we getting? :'''Ollie:''' Citizenship basically involves, uh, cutting pensions to the Ghurkhas, rejigging the protocols for a rabies outbreak, some crap from Health about long-term care for the elderly that neither they nor we have any real idea about. :'''Glenn:''' And what to do with the Isle of Man. :'''Hugh:''' ''(annoyed)'' Just what I fucking need. Five new ways to lose my job. :''(Hugh then starts eyeing a plant that he's just noticed is right next to his desk.)'' :'''Hugh:''' Where did that come from? :'''Ollie:''' Oh, Malcolm sent that. :'''Hugh:''' It's far too big. Why-why did he send it? :'''Ollie:''' Uh, office warming present. :'''Hugh:''' So why did he send us a present? :'''Ollie:''' I don't know. :'''Hugh:''' Has Security checked this? :'''Ollie:''' What for? Tiny little terrorists? :'''Hugh:''' Yes. :'''Ollie:''' ''(annoyed)'' It's a plant! Yes?! :'''Hugh:''' ''(moving on)'' Okay, so...citizenshit. What we need to do is knock together some nice, touchy-feely, fondley, sneaky, hand-in-the-bra sort of policies. :'''Glenn:''' New bicycles for special constables, that sort of thing? :'''Hugh:''' Yeah. :'''Ollie:''' Making special needs kids clean up graffiti? :'''Hugh:''' ''(displeased)'' Yeah, that's just very mean. :'''Ollie:''' Well, yes. Not, of course, as mean as making them spell "graffiti." That genuinely is very mean. :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh, calmly but not happily)'' I'll go and have a word with Malcolm. :'''Ollie:''' Okay. :''(After Glenn leaves the office, Hugh tries to reprimand Ollie for making a joke about special needs kids.)'' :'''Hugh:''' You just took a shit with your clothes on, Ollie. :'''Ollie:''' Why? :'''Hugh:''' Glenn's boy, Peter. He went to a special needs school. :'''Ollie:''' Oh. :'''Hugh:''' Yep. :'''Ollie:''' ...Glenn's had sex? :'''Hugh:''' God, you're such a prick, Ollie. :'''Ollie:''' It's just a joke! :'''Hugh:''' There's more to life, you know, than drinks parties at the Foreign Office and having [[wikipedia:Nick_Robinson_(journalist)|Nick Robinson]]'s mobile number on your fucking BlackBerry! :'''Ollie:''' Yes. All right, all right, fine. Sorry, Hugh. I feel for the guy. I had a girlfriend with special needs once, so I know. ''(smiles smugly)'' Luckily, I was able to fulfill them. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm joins Glenn and Hugh in the office.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' So did you enjoy the show? :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Malcolm, jokingly)'' You were magnificent, darling. :'''Hugh:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Yeah, should I phone Keith so that I can get his team to watch you bollock me now? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Hugh)'' No no no no. Have I got my bollocking face on? :'''Hugh:''' Well... :'''Malcolm:''' No. This is my bollocking face? :''(Malcolm shows Hugh his infamous "bollocking stare.")'' :'''Hugh:''' Oh, crikey, yes. Thanks for the pot plant, by the way. :'''Malcolm:''' Did I send that? :'''Hugh:''' As an office warming present. :'''Malcolm:''' Christ, she's a ''great'' P.A., isn't she, Sam? :'''Hugh:''' Yeah. :'''Malcolm:''' She always remembers the little people. ''(looking at the plant)'' Look at the size of that. Fuck, you could fucking crucify somebody on that. ''(back to Glenn and Hugh)'' So what do you think of the new building, eh? :'''Hugh:''' Yeah, I can't wait to move upstairs, actually, because I don't really like the glass walls on-on, on this floor. I just feel a bit exposed. :'''Glenn:''' Like a whore in a Reeperbahn window. :'''Terri:''' ''(on the phone, calling out to Glenn)'' Glenn, it's Ollie. He wants you to go through and clarify the Citizenship brief. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Terri)'' How much, love? :'''Terri:''' Sorry? :'''Glenn:''' Okay, I'm on it. :'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' I'll catch you later. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Hugh, smiling)'' I like your tan, by the way. :'''Hugh:''' Thank you. :'''Malcolm:''' Have you declared it? Staying at the villa of an influential friend? :'''Hugh:''' I-I haven't got any influential friends, Malcolm. You are my only influential friend. :'''Malcolm:''' Oh yeah. And I'm not really your friend. :'''Hugh:''' You're not really my friend. :'''Malcolm:''' So this, uh, Super Schools Bill... :'''Hugh:''' Yep. :'''Malcolm:''' You don't think it's so super, do you? :''(Malcolm gives Hugh the "bollocking stare." Again.)'' :'''Hugh:''' You're doing it now. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(unflinching)'' What? :'''Hugh:''' That's your bollocking face. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm and Hugh are now discussing -- or is it arguing over? -- the Super Schools Bill.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' You know, it's great that you get all misty-eyed over Glenn's kid. But no one's trying to fuck over special needs kids. :'''Hugh:''' R-Really? Really? Before I went away, I consulted an expert, Mark-Mark Ryan, and he... :'''Malcolm:''' The LSE education guy? And what did that sandal-wearing nonce have to say? :'''Hugh:''' What he said was that closing down special needs schools and putting needy kids into mainstream education is a lousy idea! :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, but I've got an expert who will ''deny'' that. :'''Hugh:''' And SEN parents want the special schools kept open. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well, my-my expert would totally oppose that. :'''Hugh:''' Who is your expert? :'''Malcolm:''' I have no idea, but I can get one by this afternoon. You see, the thing is you have spoken to the wrong expert. You've got to ask the right expert. And you've got to know what an expert's going to advise you before he advises you. Hugh, whether you like this or not, you are gonna have to promote this bill. So what I'm gonna do is -- I'm gonna get you another expert, yeah? :'''Hugh:''' ''(reluctantly)'' OK. <hr width="50%"/> :''(And so, on Malcolm's say-so, Hugh and Glenn are now meeting with Mr. Roy Smedley, a special needs children expert, to discuss the inclusion of special needs kids in mainstream schools.)'' :'''Hugh:''' But surely, Mr. Smedley, inclusion has been shown to fail the most vulnerable SEN children. :'''Roy Smedley:''' When inclusion's done badly, yes. Yes, uh, you're gonna get bad results. I mean, that's a given. :'''Glenn:''' ''(wearily)'' Inclusion is an illusion. :'''Hugh:''' Mark-Mark Ryan from the LSE was saying that when the special schools do get it right, that the parents of SEN children absolutely fucking flock to... :'''Roy Smedley:''' You spoke to Mark Ryan? :'''Hugh:''' Yeah, well, some expert advice, so... :'''Roy Smedley:''' ''(mockingly)'' OK. Expert advice from Mark Ryan? :'''Hugh:''' Yeah. You have a problem with Mark Ryan? :'''Roy Smedley:''' In educational circles, he's-he's a bit of a joke. That's another given. :'''Hugh:''' Is it? :''(Suddenly, Hugh's computer beeps with an e-mail alert.)'' :'''Glenn:''' ''(responding to the alert)'' Ah, sorry. It's just that I'm expecting, uh, something quite important. :'''Hugh:''' Is our-Is our e-mail up and running? :'''Glenn:''' No. No, no, this is my hotmail. :'''Hugh:''' ''(to Roy Smedley)'' Can you-Sorry, can you excuse me just, um... :''(Roy doesn't mind Hugh being a moment. BUT...Hugh sneaks over to Terri's desk computer since she's not at her desk. Hugh then sends an e-mail to Glenn...or at least who he thinks is HIS pal, Glenn Cullen. The e-mail says "Christ Alive! What a cunt !!!" While Hugh does this despicable thing, Roy continues talking to Glenn.)'' :'''Roy Smedley:''' ''(to Glenn)'' We live in an inclusive society, am I right? I mean, we-we all rub shoulders together, Mr. Cullen? :'''Glenn:''' Indeed. :'''Roy Smedley:''' So let's not let the Mark Ryans of this world create... :'''Glenn:''' Sorry? :'''Roy Smedley:''' ...apartheid for children. The alternative is to isolate these kids in ghetto schools. :'''Glenn:''' The minister won't be a moment. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Robyn, Ollie and Terri are looking at the atrium of the new building from their floor.)'' :'''Ollie:''' Good spot for a suicide, this, I would think: good long drop, appreciative audience. :'''Robyn:''' What if you just broke your back? You know, you'd be paralysed for life and then you'd still be depressed about the thing that was depressing you in the first place. :'''Terri:''' What are these, um, hangy-down things? :'''Ollie:''' Oh, they're [[wikipedia:Sound_baffle#Interior_sound_baffle_design|acoustic baffles]], they stop it getting too echoey in here. :'''Robyn:''' So when you're breaking your back, nobody can hear you screaming? :'''Ollie:''' Well, that is the kind of attention to detail that you get in a [[wikipedia:Private_finance_initiative|PFI]] building. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(spotting them from the ground floor)'' ''HEY! GET BACK TO WORK, ALL OF YOU!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''(Hugh has privately admitted to Terri that he sent the sweary email from her account.)'' :'''Terri:''' Now Hugh, are you going to do the right thing, are you going to admit to this publicly? :'''Hugh:''' Are you – What? No! Are you mad? I can't do that, that ''mustn't'' happen! ''You've'' got – I ''need'' you, to – :'''Terri:''' What, to lie? :'''Hugh:''' I think it was [[Jacques Derrida|Derrida]] who said there is no such thing as actual ''empirical'' truth, but only – :'''Terri:''' Yeah, ''I'll'' tell you what Derrida said, he said, 'Go fuck your face, Abbot!' :''(Terri tries to storm out of the door, but only belatedly notices the exit switch)'' :'''Hugh:''' You need to mind your language, it just will keep getting you into trouble. :'''Terri:''' ''(finally opening the door)'' I can't even get out the fucking room! ''(storms out)'' <hr width="50%"/> :''(Hugh and Glenn return from their Education Select Committee appearance.)'' :'''Ollie:''' How was that? :'''Hugh:''' I lied to the Select Committee. I lied! Is Tucker in the building? :'''Ollie:''' Malcolm in the Middle. :'''Hugh:''' What? :'''Ollie:''' It's just what they're calling him now, 'cause he can stand in the middle of the atrium and just shout at all the departments. :'''Hugh:''' Well I don't want to see him, not at the moment, I can't take one of his scenes from The Exorcist just now. :'''Glenn:''' Look, I don't think Ballentine's on to anything. :'''Hugh:''' Oh no? No? Well, why did she keep asking, 'Just one expert? Only one? Not two experts? Less than three but not two?' The fucking bitch. :'''Glenn:''' It's her style, look, she's just trying to throw you off balance like a sumo wrestler. :'''Hugh:''' Well it worked: there I was on the floor in a big fucking nappy. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hugh''': Christ Malcolm, how do you appear out of nowhere in a building made entirely out of glass? :'''Malcolm:''' I'm a shape-shifter. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hugh''': It's going to be like sitting on a tea crate, having chicken shit sprayed all over me. <hr width="50%"/> :'''A civil servant:''' I'm sorry, can you stop swearing please? :'''Malcolm:''' I'm really sorry, you won't hear any more swearing from us, YOU MASSIVE, GAY, ''SHITE!!! FUCK OFF!'' ''(to Ollie)'' Right, how are you doing in sorting out whether or not he lied or not, are you OK? :'''Ollie:''' Pretty well, yeah. :'''Malcolm:''' Is that a lie? :'''Ollie:''' Yeah. :'''Malcolm:''' That is not fucking funny, you retard. I'm sorry about that, Glenn. The situation just – <hr width="50%"/> :'''Claire Ballentine:''' Are you lying to me now about not lying to me before? :'''Hugh:''' No, I am not a liar. I categorically did not knowingly not tell the truth, even though unknowingly I might not have done. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hugh:''' I don't know what else can go wrong now. Unless the flexible energy system sets fire to my office and then puts it out by squirting liquefied human shit through the ceiling sprinklers. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm''': Hey, I'm going to have a swear box installed on Monday. :'''Hugh''': What? :'''Malcolm''': Fucking joking, you twat! I'm on turbo. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Terri)'' God, right, okay, well, seein' as you're not used to this, I'll go through it for you, okay? What happens at a press conference is this. A bunch of press people are gonna appear, they've got things called cameras and microphones and mobile phones and hangovers and bad breath. Then you are gonna walk out and you're gonna read from what we call a "prepared statement". In that you will say, "I'm really fucking sorry for sounding like a hairy-arsed docker after twelve pints. I promise that I will never call an 8-year-old girl a cunt again. Can we now just draw a line over this, and fucking move on. Thank you". Everybody goes home and then we wait and we see what happens. The best case is you get to keep your job, although you will forever be known as the Sweary Woman of Whitehall.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Ollie''' ''(on the phone to a man he can see in a glass office)'': Yes, but you can't just dump rabies on us because you don't want it. You're Health, that's your job! You should have rabies. Health should have rabies, right? ''(sees the man mime fellatio)'' Oh right, yeah, fine. OK. So we're gonna have to swallow this one, but if we have to deal with a rabies outbreak we're gonna do it so fucking well, you're gonna be frothing at the mouth – yeah, twice! ''(hangs up)'' You prick!<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Hugh:''' First day back from holiday, tanned, tawdry and cheap. I feel like something out of ''[[wikipedia:Footballers'_Wives|Footballers' Wives]]''. :'''Glenn:''' How do you know about ''Footballers' Wives''? :'''Hugh:''' Ollie told me. They all live in Chelmsford, have names like Madison and Chutney, they're an orange colour and they've got thongs up their cracks. ==The Rise Of The Nutters== :''(In the opening scene of this episode, Ollie Reeder and his girlfriend, Emma Messenger, are walking down the street together in the morning. Ollie and Emma are on opposite sides of the British political spectrum. Nevertheless, the two of them are enjoying some good-natured banter talking about their party leaders.)'' :'''Ollie:''' I'm extremely impressed. I'm highly impressed that you're going to see the leader of your party. :'''Emma Messenger:''' Good. You should be impressed. :'''Ollie:''' Although, ultimately, the leader of your party is just a man, really, isn't he? He's just a guy. :'''Emma:''' Ah, now that's a good point, actually, because yours on the other hand is... :'''Ollie:''' No no no no. Mine is... :'''Emma:''' What? :'''Ollie:''' ...the leader of the country also. What I'm saying is ''if'' we were playing Top Trumps, which we kind of are... :'''Emma:''' Oh, cor, we absolutely are, Ollie. :'''Ollie:''' I win. :'''Emma:''' Right. So it's Ben Swain Day today, is it? :'''Ollie:''' Yes. A Nutter in our midst. A junior minister for me to push around, you know. That's nice, isn't it? A bit more power for me. :'''Emma:''' You are an extremely powerful man, Ollie. :'''Ollie:''' Very powerful, very attractive sexually, due to all this power. :''(As Ollie and Emma get to Government Headquarters, they are met up with Malcolm and Jamie.)'' :'''Jamie:''' Hey, Poxbridge! :'''Malcolm:''' Hello! :'''Jamie:''' Hey, dickhead! Happy New Queer! :'''Malcolm:''' I'm really sorry, but I – don't be so offensive. I do apologise for my friend's behaviour. Did you have a nice Poof-mas? :'''Ollie:''' What are you two, um, doing round Richmond Terrace then? :'''Jamie:''' Oh, we're slumming it. Just going to see Julius, the big baldy ballbag. ''(to Emma)'' You must be, you, what is it? Gemma? Gemma? :'''Emma:''' Emma. It's Emma. :'''Jamie:''' Emma. Hi, Emma. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' What are you doing down here? :'''Ollie:''' I'm babysitting Ben Swain for the day. :'''Malcolm:''' Could you water my spider plants in my office as well? ''(to Emma)'' He's very good with the watering can. Very very bright lad. Homemaker. :''(And with that, Ollie and Emma share a rather awkward goodbye -- WITH NO KISS!)'' :'''Emma:''' I'll see you later. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, see you later. ''(Ollie rushes inside to catch up with Jamie and Malcolm.)'' <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm and Jamie are busting Ollie's chops about his relationship with Emma.)'' :'''Jamie:''' ''(to Ollie)'' So, the girlfriend, she-she doesn't mind the whole, uh, you being gay thing? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Did you take her home for Christmas? :'''Ollie:''' No. God, no. I couldn't do that. :'''Malcolm:''' Oh no, you couldn't do that, 'cause she wouldn't fit in. 'Cause you're that right dyed-in-the-wool working class, aren't you? She's probably allergic to pit ponies. <hr width="50%"/> :''(In this scene, Peter Mannion, the Leader of the Opposition, is having a chat with his adviser, Phil Smith. As they're entering Opposition Headquarters, Peter and Phil are discussing Emma's relationship with Ollie...and Phil just happens to be Emma's roommate.)'' :'''Peter Mannion:''' Are they actually sleeping together? :'''Phil Smith:''' Yes, yeah. In the flat. :'''Peter:''' Do you think she's on top or, what-what do you hear? :'''Phil:''' Well, I hear her say, "How do you like it?" And he'll say, "I've got to page Tucker." :'''Peter:''' Oh, God. ''(beat)'' Have I shaved properly? It's just we're-we're having the bathroom done and I was in the kitchen this morning using the kettle as a mirror. :'''Phil:''' No, you're very smooth. So it's a chrome kettle, then? :'''Peter:''' You've been watching ''[[wikipedia:CSI|CSI]]'' again, haven't you? :''(As Peter and Phil are walking up the stairs, they are joined by Emma, who is also Peter's advisor.)'' :'''Emma:''' Morning. :'''Phil:''' ''(to Emma)'' Oh, hello. How was sleeping with the enemy? :'''Emma:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Oh, hilarious. I forgot how funny you were. :''(The three of them are nearing the office...)'' :'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' What time are you seeing Stewart? :'''Emma:''' It'll be in about half an hour. What about you? :'''Peter:''' ''(groaning)'' Oh, I'll be last in. He's punishing me for standing against JB in the leadership contest by putting me in the [[wikipedia:Ryanair|Ryanair]] queue. :'''Emma:''' Come on, he got you that terrific photo op with the, uh, wind turbine thing on your house, remember? :'''Peter:''' Yes, and it cost me 12 grand. And I have to pay for the electricity bill to keep the bugger turning because, of course, there's no wind in the valley, I have to plug it in. But my next door neighbor has an England flag that just hangs there limply while my turbine mysteriously whizzes around. :'''Phil:''' Could turn the turbine round so it blows his flag. :''(Peter, Emma and Phil finally sit down.)'' :'''Phil:''' Right. What's up first, then, Peter? :'''Emma:''' While we're here, we could bat a few ideas around. :'''Peter:''' He wants something fluffy for the speech, does he? Environment? Tax breaks for aromatherapists? SatNav for asylum seekers? :'''Phil:''' Well, I was thinking about a departmental blog. :'''Peter:''' ''(groaning again)'' Oh, God. Really? :'''Phil:''' I could actually do the..the writing bit of it, because you wouldn't have time. :'''Peter:''' Well, I mean, I might as well, I've knack all else to do. ''(Peter turns to Phil)'' Though, um...to be honest, you-you sort it out. :'''Phil:''' I thought we could have like a guest book so that, kind of, you know, readers can kind of leave their comments. :'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' Are you sure? Have you ever Googled your own name? It's like opening a door to a room where everyone tells you how shit you are. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm, Jamie and Ollie are walking up the stairs to the offices at Government HQ, discussing Ben Swain.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Where's [[wikipedia:My Little Pony|My Little Phony?]] Ben Swain. What's his ''[[wikipedia:Newsnight|Newsnight]]'' angle gonna be, then? :'''Ollie:''' Ben? Ben is going on Newsnight? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(chuckling)'' Oh, you're a right little West Winger, you, aren't you? They're cutting you out of the loop already? :'''Ollie:''' Well, I'll check who the presenter is and obviously... :'''Jamie:''' The presenter is Newsbot 3.2. He's a nobody. He's a fucking scorch mark. :'''Malcolm:''' Paxo's in Kenya fly-fishing with [[wikipedia:Stephen Fry|Stephen Fry]] or whatever the fuck it is he does. Kirsty is sobering up in Kilmarnock with her gran, so she's out of the picture. :'''Ollie:''' Well, I'll just check the lines with Pat Morrissey, then. And then we'll... :'''Jamie:''' Pat Morrissey? :'''Ollie:''' Yeah. :'''Jamie:''' Her? What, Fat Pat? :'''Ollie:''' Yeah. :'''Jamie:''' "Pumpkin Tits?" :'''Ollie:''' Yeah. Pat and, uh, Communications have asked that everything be double-ticked through her from now. ''(to Malcolm)'' I mean, you get a tick as well. Obviously. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Oh well, well obviously! Yes, that's-that's very very nice and that's very fucking big of them! I get a tick! :'''Ollie:''' So I mean, it's, it's two ticks for a, uh, a green light, basically, that's the system. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(beside himself)'' Pat Morrissey. Communications is full of Nutters these days. :'''Jamie:''' Soon as the PM said he'd be gone inside a year, the Nutters start popping up like [[wikipedia:Melanoma|mela-fucking-noma]]. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' See you later. See you in a tick. :'''Jamie:''' ''(to Ollie)'' What about you? You're not a Nutter, are you? :'''Ollie:''' I-I'm not a Nutter, Jamie. I'm...I'm a nipper. :''(Ollie then bumps into Terri.)'' :'''Ollie:''' Hey, Terri! :'''Terri:''' Hi, Ollie, Happy New Year! :'''Ollie:''' How was Christmas? :'''Terri:''' Oh, you know... :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, I know, yeah. Six pairs of socks, three Harry Potter omnibuses. All that "I thought you were taking the giblets out. Don't give Nan any more Baileys. She's only got the one pad with her." ''(Ollie follows Terri into an office.)'' Every bloody year. :'''Terri:''' Yeah, well, you know, just me and Mum in the care home. :'''Ollie:''' Right. Jesus...So, eh, Ben on ''Newsnight?'' :'''Terri:''' Ben Swain's going on ''Newsnight?'' :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, yeah. Oh, God, thank God you didn't know, either. I thought it was just me. :'''Terri:''' Oh no no no. I did know about that, actually. :'''Ollie:''' Well, why did you say it like that, then? "Ben Swain's going on ''Newsnight?''" :'''Terri:''' You're just out of the loop. I'm very well wired into the Tommists. :'''Ollie:''' ''(laughing)'' Nobody calls them Tommists. They're Nutters, Terri. Nobody calls them Tommists. :'''Terri:''' ''(dead serious)'' I don't like that word. My sister works in mental health. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Ben Swain, the Junior Minister that Ollie is "babysitting," arrives at the office.)'' :'''Ben Swain:''' Morning, all! :'''Terri:''' Benjamin! Happy New Year! :'''Ollie:''' Ben! Big Ben, Ben-Benji, Beno, Benj. :'''Ben:''' Happy New Year to you as well. :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ben)'' These are the briefing notes. :'''Ben:''' Ah, splendid. I'll file these directly in the shredder. Thank you, Glenn. :''(Ben, Glenn and Ollie enter an office.)'' :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ben)'' If you just, uh, stick to what's in there, you'll be all right. Just remember, you're the night watchman, all right? :'''Ben:''' Yes, well, I like to think of myself as more, perhaps, I don't know, an elected MP than a night watchman, Glenn. But thank you very much for everything, I'll be fine without you holding my hand. You enjoy your weekend cottaging in Wales or whatever it is you're up to. :''(Ollie picks up a copy of Ben's upcoming book, which is called, "It's the Everything, Stupid: How to Get Ahead in Modern Politics.")'' :'''Ollie:''' ''(impressed)'' This is looking good. When is it coming out? :'''Ben:''' End of the, end of the week. You'll be able to make the launch party? :'''Terri:''' ''(to Ben)'' Great title. :'''Ben:''' Thank you. :'''Ollie:''' And have you written it yourself or was it ghosted by, uh... :'''Ben:''' By [[wikipedia:Victoria Beckham|Victoria Beckham]]? No, everything in there is entirely-entirely written by me, I think you'll find. Yes. :'''Ollie:''' There you go, you have hidden talents. :'''Ben:''' Anyone heard from "The Hughster?" :'''Terri:''' Yes, he's suffering from jet lag. :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Ben)'' Have you ever been to Australia? :'''Ben:''' No. Why would I want to go there? Full of people in khaki, squinting. Just the world's largest collection of poisonous things. :'''Ollie:''' Oh, yeah. God, yeah. If you want to stick around with poisonous snakes, you might as well stay here. :''(Awkward silence occurs after Ollie's stupid attempt at a joke.)'' :'''Ollie:''' ''(jokingly)'' Throw a blanket on me, I'm on fire. :'''Ben:''' Heh-heh, good. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Before Glenn heads off to Wales, he gives Ollie some last-minute instructions for babysitting Ben.)'' :'''Glenn:''' Listen, Ollie. We may be babysitting a Nutter. He may look like a Womble, but he's got Nutter eyes and Nutter ears. So, keep an eye on him. :'''Ollie:''' All right, the minute any chicken blood turns up on the paperwork, I'll be straight on to you, don't worry. :'''Glenn:''' Right, I'm off to Wales and the late 1950s. :''(Terri blows Glenn a friendly kiss goodbye.)'' :'''Ollie:''' Happy trails. <hr width="50%"/> :''(As Peter is waiting to meet with Stewart -- still -- he has a conversation with Phil about his upcoming holiday.)'' :'''Peter:''' ''(coughing)'' Oh, I can't get rid of this. :'''Phil:''' I bet you're looking forward to your holiday. :'''Peter:''' Well, yeah. I mean, obviously, I'm not flying abroad anywhere, because... :'''Phil:''' Carbon. :'''Peter:''' No, bathroom. I'm supervising the doing up of my bathroom. :'''Phil:''' ''(looking at two lamps)'' What is that? :'''Peter:''' It's just – :'''Phil:''' Is that raffia? :'''Peter:''' He's discovered IKEA, hasn't he? :'''Phil:''' It's all for show. They want to look modern, like they appeal to the kind of people who go to IKEA. :'''Peter:''' I'm modern! I say 'black' instead of 'coloured', I think women are a good thing, I have no problem with gays. Most of them are very well turned out, especially the men. :'''Phil:''' I know. :'''Peter:''' Why is it, this last year, I'm being made to feel as if I'm always two steps behind, like I can't program the video or convert everything back to [[wikipedia:£sd|old money]]? Because that's not me! :'''Phil:''' ''(confused)'' You've still got a video? :'''Peter:''' I'm a one-nation party. :''(And now, it's time to meet Stewart Pearson, the Director of Communications for the Opposition. Stewart and Emma are sharing a laugh as she's leaving his office. Now, Stewart is ready to see Peter.)'' :'''Stewart Pearson:''' ''(smiling)'' Ah, Peter. Dr. Stewart will see you now, hey? I could hear you coughing in there. Is that your contribution to the meeting? :'''Emma:''' ''(to Peter)'' You all right? :'''Peter:''' Yes, okay. You know, it's just hanging around. :'''Stewart:''' Yeah, I'm sorry to keep you hanging about, but you know, right now all the...all the big priority stuff is the big party stuff. :'''Peter:''' I was talking about the cold hanging around. :'''Stewart:''' Oh, right. ''(Stewart heads back into his office.)'' Thanks very much, Em. :''(As Peter goes into Stewart's office for a chat, Phil asks Emma about her meeting.)'' :'''Phil:''' Was that fun there? :'''Emma:''' Yeah, it was useful. :'''Phil:''' Playing with the big boys? :'''Emma:''' Yeah. Now I'm back with the little boys, huh? :'''Phil:''' No. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Stewart and Peter start their chat.)'' :'''Stewart:''' So. How are you, then? :'''Peter:''' ''(nodding)'' Fine, I'm-I'm fine. :'''Stewart:''' Good, superb, because the reason I've asked you in -- I mean, firstly, just to say, "Hi, how are you?"... :'''Peter:''' Still fine. :'''Stewart:''' Then, this photo call this afternoon, "100 Days of the New Leader." We've got you a Paul Smith suit. I did think about Vivienne Westwood or...Well, it was just too expensive. And, oh, and a Ted Baker... ''(Stewart pulls out a pinkish-looking shirt with stripes on it.)'' Ted Baker shirt, right? No tie, we're thinking open-necked look might be good. :'''Peter:''' But I'm already wearing a suit and, controversially, a tie. :'''Stewart:''' Yeah, absolutely, sure. But frankly, you know, it all looks a bit '80s, you know? [[wikipedia:Robert Palmer|Robert Palmer]], Sink the Belgrano, that kind of vibe. We think this is better, it's modern, it's sharp, it's slimming. Try it on. :'''Peter:''' ''(in amused disbelief)'' Is this a joke? :'''Stewart:''' Try the suit on. :''(Moments later, Stewart makes Peter change into a different suit and shirt.)'' :'''Stewart:''' Just wondering whether you're fully conversant with the new line, whether you're really up to speed? :'''Peter:''' Well, I don't know. Am I? Because, uh, I get people stopping me in the streets and saying, 'Are you still for locking up yobbos?', and I say, 'Yeah, of course we are.' And then I think, 'Well, are we?' Because maybe I missed a memo from you. Maybe I should understand yobbos now, or not even call them yobbos, call them 'young men with issues around stabbing.' ''(awkward silence)'' No tie, you say? :'''Stewart:''' No tie. :'''Peter:''' Quite a nice suit, actually. :'''Stewart:''' So, we were thinking...Shirt outside the trousers. :'''Peter:''' Outside? Not tuck my shirt in? :'''Stewart:''' Yeah. :'''Peter:''' I always tuck my shirt in, it's part of getting dressed. What, should I not do my flies up either? Let the old chap flop out. Is that modern enough for you? :'''Stewart:''' Just try it, Peter. Not the cock out, but just the shirt thing. :'''Peter:''' ''(untucking his shirt)'' I'm from a generation of men, Stewart, who tuck their shirts in. I've done it since I was a boy, I was told off for ''not'' doing it. :'''Stewart:''' Oh God, no, you were right. Sorry, no, tuck it in. You look like you've been startled by a fire alarm. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm and Jamie enter Ben's office. Time to discuss Ben's upcoming appearance as Jeremy Paxman's guest on Newsnight.)'' :'''Jamie:''' Mr. Swain. :'''Ben:''' Jamie. :'''Malcolm:''' Good morning, Ben. :'''Ben:''' Morning, Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to 2 office workers)'' Off you two fuck. :''(The 2 workers leave Ben's office.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Right, Ben, heard the big news about [[wikipedia:Jeremy_Paxman|Paxo]]. :'''Ben:''' Oh right. :'''Malcolm:''' What was it you did in your gap year again? :'''Ben:''' Um, Interrailing, month on a kibbutz – :'''Malcolm:''' Did you ever travel, like, 100 miles per hour, head-first through a tunnel full of pig shit? Because that's what's gonna happen to you tonight with Paxman, ''unless'', unless...you listen to us. :'''Jamie:''' He will eat you up, sick you out and grout his fucking wet room with you. :'''Ben:''' Yeah, I have been interviewed on television before, thank you very much. :'''Malcolm:''' Who? :'''Ben:''' [[wikipedia:George_Alagiah|George Alagiah]]. :'''Jamie:''' Yeah? Do you know what they call him? Easy George. :'''Malcolm:''' This is Paxo. What are you gonna do when he pulls that big rubbery horse-face of mock-incredulity at you? :'''Ben:''' Yes, look, we know the cheat codes for Paxman now, don't we? That old aggressive style of his is just old school. All you need to do, you play the honest, the Honest Joe just trying to humbly get your point across and... :'''Jamie:''' ''(pulling up a chair)'' Let's see you do your stuff, Mr. Television, huh? :''(Jamie is pretending to be Jeremy Paxman on Newsnight, asking Ben questions.)'' :'''Jamie:''' ''(As Paxo)'' Immigration is in disarray. What are ''you'' going to do about it? :'''Ben:''' Well, first of all, I would have to take issue with your contention that immigration is in... :'''Jamie:''' Oh, answer the question, you fat fuck! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Phil and Emma are home in their flat -- discussing Ollie.)'' :'''Phil:''' Why the fuck do you have to keep inviting him round here? :'''Emma:''' Oh, are you a bit jealous? :'''Phil:''' Of [[wikipedia:Gerald_Home|the man]] from the Mr Muscle adverts? No, I just think it's just unreasonable that I have to watch what I'm gonna say in my own flat; I mean, you could at least give me warning if he's coming round or something. :'''Emma:''' I tell you what, I'll put a sex grid on the fridge. :'''Phil:''' Oh, yeah. :'''Emma:''' So that you can have dates and stuff: I'll put an A4 piece of paper for me up, and maybe you could have half a post-it note? You could share it with Affers, maybe. :'''Phil:''' Yeah. Have to write really small, though, I've slept with three women in – :'''Ollie:''' ''(returning from the toilet)'' Your life? :'''Phil:''' Yes. :''(Ollie laughs)''<hr width="50%" /> :''(Ollie, Emma, and Phil are watching Ben Swain's [[wikipedia:Newsnight|Newsnight]] interview together. Malcolm, who is also watching from his office, is on the phone to Jamie, who is watching Ben from inside the studio.)'' :'''Emma:''' What's he doing with his eyes? :'''Ollie:''' Oh my God. He's got a nervous blink. :'''Malcolm:''' That's a mega blink! It's not just ''a'' blink. :'''Ollie:''' He looks like what happens when you punch a cow. ''(impersonates a cow mooing in pain)'' :'''Phil:''' Oh my God, this is like watching a lion rape a sheep, but in a bad way. :'''Jamie:''' The cameramen are laughing. :'''Ollie:''' 'J-j-j-j-just'! :'''Emma:''' Stop him, stop him! :'''Ollie:''' He spelled 'just' with four Js! :'''Malcolm:''' He's like a chicken, he's like an enormous chicken! :'''Phil:''' It's just one word he's been saying, which is basically ''(gibberish)''. :'''Jamie:''' Well, what about the coalface? :'''Malcolm:''' Pull it, puncture his lifebelt. Pull it, give him the signal. If he shits, I'll give you 500 quid.<hr width="50%" /> :''(After Ben Swain's interview)'' :'''Ollie:''' Well he certainly looked like a Nutter. :'''Emma:''' He looked like that little guy on the green that shouts 'You're an Arab' at everyone. :'''Phil:''' It's a tough day tomorrow, picking bits of Ben out of Malcolm's car. :'''Ollie:''' He didn't mention the coalface idea. <hr width="50%" /> :'''Jamie:''' ''(to Ben, in the car back from the studio)'' You don't deserve to ''live!'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Peter:''' How is my blog? My own personal blog, personally written by me? :''(they all go to the computer)'' :'''Phil:''' There we go. :'''Emma:''' Oh, brilliant. :'''Phil:''' Yesterday you liked the leader's speech, it was bold and courageous and sent out the right signals, and you had a fruit lunch. :'''Peter:''' Oh, I write very well. What's the feedback like? :'''Phil:''' Pretty good. Let's see on this page here. Here we go. :'''Peter:''' "I don't trust you, you Cypriot crook." :'''Phil:''' What? :'''Peter:''' Cypriot? This is the shit room. You've opened the shit room door. :'''Emma:''' Oh come on, that's not too bad. :'''Peter:''' "How are the maintenance payments going on your bastard?" Christ, that was twelve years ago! :'''Phil:''' I hadn't seen that one. :'''Peter:''' "Adulterous Nazi"? :'''Phil:''' Or that one. :'''Emma:''' That's actually I think the same one. :'''Peter:''' This is the trouble with the public, they're fucking horrible. :'''Emma:''' Peter, you really – you can't say the public are fucking horrible. :'''Peter:''' Yes I can, I've met them. "You've always got such a pained expression. Do you take it up the chutney?" Really? I mean, for God's sake. :'''Emma:''' The chutney? :'''Peter:''' Yes, it's up the arse. :'''Emma:''' See this: I still don't understand why people do this 'h8' thing. If you're going to leave a message, I mean, at least spell it correctly.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Phil:''' What the fuck was that all about? You know, nicking the other lot's ideas? :'''Emma:''' You jumped straight on the bandwagon, you hypocrite. :'''Phil:''' You started it. You know, at least I'm not nicking my boyfriend's ideas. :'''Emma:''' You sanctimonious twat! Jesus, you're not my dad, Phil, even if you do dress like him. :'''Peter:''' ''(knocking from behind glass)'' What's going on? :'''Phil:''' Swain was supposed to flag up the coalface idea last night but he didn't. So Emma nicked it. :'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' Oh, fuck-tastic. Not only was it a shit idea to ruin my holiday, it was a shit idea you stole from the government to ruin my holiday. Good work. :'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' Thanks a lot, [[wikipedia:Supergrass_(informant)|Supergrass]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm''' ''(seeing Ben Swain arrive)'': Oh, here he is. Dead man walking. :'''Jamie:''' ''(impersonating Ben)'' 'I, I, I wish you wouldn't keep saying that, I, I, I –' ''(normal voice)'' What's your favourite band, [[blink-182]]?<hr width="50%" /> :'''Jamie:''' That's not a proper cigar: a proper cigar is those big Cuban whoppers, that's just a jumped-up fag. :'''Malcolm:''' Talking of [[wikipedia:Fagging|which]] – :'''Ollie''' ''(entering)'': Hi. :'''Jamie and Malcolm:''' Hey! :'''Jamie:''' Is it [[wikipedia:Rag_(student_society)#Rag_Week|Rag Week]]? :'''Malcolm:''' Do you fancy a cigar? I promise I won't tell any of the other prefects. :'''Jamie:''' Hand rolled on the thigh of a Cuban virgin with big tits and four kids. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, thanks. Um, Malcolm, I just wondered if I could have a quick word, actually. The opposition have got the Week at the Coalface idea. They're gonna do it. :'''Jamie:''' Who, when? :'''Ollie:''' Peter Mannion, I don't know when. :'''Malcolm:''' How the fuck did they get that? Your fucking girlfriend, Jesus Christ! :'''Jamie:''' You should have dumped that mad bitch ages ago. :'''Ollie:''' Well I would've done! She is mad, she's a mental woman! But you two kept telling me to go out with her and stay going out with her, just in case I found anything out! :'''Jamie:''' Oh, and what did you find out? That you've been leaking intelligence to them? You're the fucking shittest James Bond ever. You're... you're [[wikipedia:David_Niven|David fucking Niven]]! <hr width="50%" /> :'''Malcolm:''' Get him properly fucking screen-tested. I'm sorry mate, but you need a lot of powder, I've never seen anybody look so fucking ugly with just one head. :'''Ben:''' Yeah. No, I lost my islands of safety, didn't I, which is – :'''Malcolm:''' And who was it that did your media training? [[wikipedia:Moors_murders#Myra_Hindley|Myra Hindley]]? I mean, it was terrible, all this – hands were all over the place. You were like a sweaty octopus trying to unhook a bra! It was like watching John Leslie at work! :'''Ben:''' Yes, I know all of that, and it just kind of fell away. God, it was like one of those dreams when you're wandering around [[wikipedia:Covent_Garden|Covent Garden]] or something in just your vest and everyone's staring at you. :'''Jamie:''' I think it was much worse than that, I mean, how many people see you in Covent Garden, a few thousand? Your meltdown was witnessed by 1.2 million people. That's more people than saw [[wikipedia:Al_Jolson|Al Jolson]] in his entire career. And that's Al fucking Jolson! :'''Malcolm:''' He loves Al Jolson. :'''Jamie:''' The Governor! :'''Ollie:''' '[[wikipedia:My_Mammy|Maaammy]].' :'''Jamie:''' You take the piss out of Jolson again, and I will remove your [[iPod]] from its tiny nano-sheath, and push it up your ''cock!'' And then I'll plug some speakers up your arse, and put it onto shuffle with my fucking fist! And every time I hear something that I don't like, which will be every time that something comes on, I will skip to the next track ''(to Ben)'' by crushing ''your balls!'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' Oh, sorry! Do you know what, maybe you should dump Peter and go out with Ollie. :'''Ollie:''' Well, it wouldn't be any more disastrous than our relationship, would it, hey? :'''Emma:''' Christ, Ollie, well if it's been such a fucking disaster, why didn't you break up with me sooner? :'''Ollie:''' Well, if it had been up to me I would have broken up with you sooner! :'''Emma:''' If it had been up t– Oh, OK – This is Malcolm, isn't it? Malcolm has been pimping you out! You fucking sad little – :'''Phil:''' ''(laughing)'' That's funny. :'''Ollie and Emma:''' Fuck you, Phil! :'''Phil:''' Oh, suddenly ''I'm'' the bad guy again. :'''Ollie:''' Go and read your blog, nerd boy! I'm going. This is the point where I go. :'''Phil:''' Wow. That point actually exists. Incredible. :'''Ollie:''' I will be so ''not'' sorry not ever to have to talk to you again, you massive floppy blonde tit! I hope your blog gets done for libel and you get knobbed in prison by men. And – ''(to Emma)'' it is over, you self-serving, crypto-fascist, horse-loving, posh, weekend-at-Daddy's, vacuous nothing! ''(leaves)'' :'''Emma:''' Fuck you, Ollie, and put your keys on the side! :'''Phil:''' He's got keys? <hr width="50%"/> :''(looking at a newspaper story with the headline "Silly Tucker: Was web of filth spun by Downing Street 'Spiderman'?")'' :'''Malcolm''' ''(on the phone)'': The story isn't me, Glenn, OK? Nobody is interested in me and I'll be pleased if you'd remember that, OK? :'''Glenn''' ''(at his sister's Welsh cottage)'': You sure you don't want me and Hugh to come back? We could give you some cover. :'''Malcolm:''' Hugh is not coming back: it would look like we're panicking, and we're not panicking. But I need ''you'' back here fucking ASAP to let them know that we're not panicking. :'''Glenn:''' So you want me to interrupt ''my'' holiday in a panic, so that Hugh doesn't have to interrupt ''his'' holiday and look like he's panicking? :'''Malcolm:''' You get back here! I wanna see you popping a bollock for me! ''(hangs up)'' :'''Jamie:''' ''(walking in, holding up the same 'Silly Tucker' story)'' You seen this? :'''Malcolm:''' No, I haven't seen that. I'm the senior press guy for the Government of Great Britain and Northern Ireland. No, I don't look at the newspapers, that's fucking news to me. :'''Jamie:''' All right, all right. What are we doing? :'''Malcolm:''' What are we doing? Fuck all, we're not doing nothing, all right, because I am not the story here. :'''Jamie:''' Well, no, you kind of are the story, Malc: they spelt your name right and everything. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' You take this and this, and you put it onto your bird's breasts, and you rub them and squeeze them very very gently, you get her into the sack, you bang her fucking brains out, you make sure that she cums, and you just give her the policy! :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, but I chucked her, and not in a kind of, you know, 'It's not you, it's me' sort of way, more in a 'It ''is'' you, you hideous vacuous [[Sloane Ranger|Sloane]] bitch from hell' kind of scorched-earth kind of – :'''Malcolm:''' I'm really not interested at all in your little tiff. Get round there, take your Barry White album and your lube and your fucking policy folder. :'''Ollie:''' Malcolm, this is really crossing the line here – :'''Malcolm:''' Don't start with the moral objections, you fucking [[wikipedia:Blue_Peter_badge|Blue Peter badge]]-wearing ponce! Go and make a contribution to fucking Amnesty International, go and buy a goat the whole village can fuck! But you are doing this for me. :'''Ollie:''' Malcolm, you're bullying me, and, you know, I don't know why you're bullying me, you're – :'''Malcolm:''' How dare you? How dare you! Don't you ever, ''ever'', call me a bully. I'm so much worse than that. Do it. OK? Wash your hands. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Peter:''' Do I know you? Oh, don't you work for somebody famous? Er, Malcolm [[wikipedia:Hamish_Macbeth|Hamish MacDeath]]? :'''Jamie:''' It's, er, Peter Onion, isn't it? :'''Peter:''' Hah! That's right. :'''Jamie:''' I always forget, were you the forced abortion or the love child? Or the guy who asphyxiated himself with a kiwi? :'''Peter:''' Just the love child: I was the quiet one. :'''Phil:''' Like [[wikipedia:John_Deacon|John Deacon]] in Queen. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Terri''' ''(on her phone)'': Well I might as well call myself on unofficial leave now: nothing will happen for the next three weeks, absolutely zero. I'm gonna book that holiday. Yeah, well, I mean, all they'll be doing, they'll be bobbing about like emperor penguins trying to swap over an egg. <hr width="50%"/> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Jamie:''' Is your department looking at a 10 million overspend? Yes, or no? :'''Ben:''' Well, I don't have the figures to hand, but all I can say is that if there has been an overspend or a perceived overspend within this department, then certainly I think I've – ''(sees Jamie mime fellatio)'' He's not gonna do that, is he? :'''Malcolm:''' Oh yes, he will, and he will do a lot more. Jazz hands, he'll be touching you up under the table, he's got all the tricks. :'''Ben:''' No he won't! Fuck off, Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' You, listen. First things first: you need some interruption lines, yeah? Something that you can throw in. :'''Ben:''' All right: how about, er, 'I will answer the questions in the order you asked them, Jeremy'. :'''Jamie:''' That makes you sound like a smug Oxbridge twat. Oh, I know you are, but ''everyone'' doesn't need to know. <hr width="50%"/> :''(deleted scene)'' :''(while watching Ben Swain on Newsnight)'' :'''Ollie:''' Still, at least Hugh will be pleased. :'''Phil:''' Yeah, he'll be thrilled, I'm sure! His department on the rack, he'll be like, 'Hey, Ollie, thanks for running the department, although it seems to have all turned to shit!' You're like the man with the [[wikipedia:Midas#Golden_Touch|Midas touch]], except instead of everything you touch turning to gold, it turns to shit. You're like the man with the shit touch. Shitfinger. :'''Ollie:''' Shouldn't you be online pretending to be a Hobbit, eh? Trying to get a date with a lady Hobbit, but failing? :'''Phil:''' Shitfinger. <hr width="50%"/> :''(deleted scene)'' :''(seeing Ben Swain arrive)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Oh hey, hello, here he is! The walk of shame. :'''Jamie:''' You never told us you had epilepsy of the eyes. Was that a sweat, or were you crying? :'''Malcolm:''' Have I seen you on the telly? :'''Ben:''' ''(laughs)'' Yeah. [[wikipedia:Blockbusters_(British_game_show)|Blockbuster]], 1991, I got a Gold Run. :'''Malcolm:''' You know what, I have never seen anyone sweat so much in my life. And I've had a sauna with [[Luciano Pavarotti|Pavarotti]]! I know that politicians and hot air are supposed to go together, but I've never actually seen one vapourise! :'''Ben:''' Can I get you two fellows a drink? :'''Malcolm:''' An orange juice, yeah, yes. :'''Ben:''' Jamie? :'''Jamie:''' Oh, I'll have a pint of 'Fuck right off and die, you miserable fucking tosser'. Do they do that in here? :'''Malcolm:''' He's a wee bit disappointed. :'''Jamie:''' We'll get you on [[wikipedia:Newsround|Newsround]] next time. You reflected badly on me, and I don't like that. :'''Ben:''' Oh come on, Jamie, look, I'll get you a drink and then we'll – :'''Jamie:''' DO YOU WANT A FUCKING SPLINTER GLASS FACIAL? I'm not pretending to hate you here, I actually fucking hate you! I'm not playing a fucking game. Fuck off! ''(leaves)'' :'''Malcolm:''' He trained as a priest. :'''Ben:''' Really? Yeah, he'd be fantastic, I'd confess everything to him. <hr width="50%"/> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Where are you tonight? 'Cause you're not here. What, no invitation for number one party animal, Julius [[Pete Doherty]] Nicholson? :'''Julius:''' Who's Peter O'Doherty? :'''Malcolm:''' Stop trying to joke, OK? Don't joke, you are not funny, Julius, you're about as funny as a blind toddler in a fucking minefield. <hr width="50%"/> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Glenn''' ''(in his sister's Welsh cottage, on the phone)'': Ah, Malcolm. Terri's just rung about the wankers' announcement, and I thought you'd want to know, Hugh's on the way to the airport, but do you want me to definitely tell him to get on the plane? :'''Malcolm:''' No, it's too fucking late. What's he gonna do, come and shadow the shadow of DoSAC shadowing him? Show him where the bogs are? :'''Glenn:''' Yeah, but you told me to tell him to come home. :'''Malcolm:''' Did I? :'''Glenn:''' Yeah! :'''Ollie''' ''(in Malcolm's office, on the phone)'': Right, Hugh, hi. Er, no, I don't think you're going to be wanted back here. :'''Malcolm:''' What is the problem? :'''Ollie:''' He's on some road somewhere where he can't do a U-turn for about five miles or something. :'''Malcolm:''' Good! I like to know that I can still make him miserable even though he's 12,000 miles away. ==Spinners and Losers== :''(Amidst all the chaos swirling after the announcement of the PM's surprise resignation, Ollie's cell phone rings. It's Angela Heaney.)'' :'''Ollie:''' ''(answering his phone)'' Angela, hello. :'''Angela:''' Ollie. How are you? :'''Ollie:''' I am tickets-fuckety-boo, thank you very much. :'''Angela:''' Sorry? :'''Ollie:''' Tickets-fuckety-boo. It's just something that Ben says. :'''Angela:''' Are you and Ben Swain big buds, then? :'''Ollie:''' Well, you know...Just, could you... :''(Ollie has to get away from Glenn, because Glenn is talking to Hugh on his cell phone.)'' :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Angela)'' Hang on just a second... :''(Ollie walks away from the action...and then resumes his conversation with Angela.)'' :'''Ollie:''' ''(in a quieter voice)'' Things are just a little bit fluid here and Glenn's not really a big Ben fan. Ben Swain obviously, not the clock. Well, it's not the clock, is it? It's the bell that's called Big Ben. :'''Angela:''' So go on, tell me: Who else is running? :'''Ollie:''' ''(in the men's toilets)'' Well, no one. No one's gonna stand against Tom now, surely, it's going to be unopposed. ''(Starts using the urinal)'' They'll be rebranding him as we speak, I would imagine: new hair, [[wikipedia:Ted_Baker|Ted Baker]] teeth, all the modern trappings of your political leader – :'''Angela:''' Ollie! Are you pissing? :'''Ollie:''' Er no, that's the flush of the automatic urinals, it's a gentlemen's lavatory. :'''Angela:''' I don't want to talk to you while you're holding your penis. :'''Ollie:''' Well, that's not what you used to say, Angela. :'''Angela:''' Er, yes it is. :'''Ollie:''' No, well – actually it is precisely what you used to say. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' Has anybody seen Jamie? :'''Glenn:''' Why, have you lost him? :'''Ollie:''' Oh, don't tell me he's gone feral, 'cause he was fucking terrifying when you had him on the leash! :'''Malcolm:''' Let's not overreact. :'''Ollie:''' Easy for ''you'' to say, he threatened to shove an iPod up my cock! :'''Malcolm:''' But you get that a lot, though, don't you? :<hr width="50%" />''(discussing Dan Miller)'' :'''Glenn:''' You don't think he's got a chance, do you? :'''Ollie:''' Nah, he's just a droid, isn't he? He's just – ''(makes robotic noises and gestures)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(lecturing Ollie)'' Hey hey hey hey. Don't-don't-don't let him hear you doing that sort of stuff. What happens if he does stand a chance, eh? He'll fuck you harder than [[wikipedia:Ron_Jeremy|Ron Jeremy]], and with less warmth. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Meanwhile, at the Daily Mail's headquarters, Adam Kenyon, the editor-in-chief at the mail, is discussing the news of who's standing for leadership with Angela.)'' :'''Adam Kenyon:''' Right, Geoff Holhurst? :'''Angela:''' Yeah. :'''Adam:''' Right, Ollie's our source on this, is he? Ollie Reeder? [[wikipedia:Deep_Throat_(Watergate)|Shallow Throat]]? Brilliant. :'''Angela:''' Yeah, I know you don't rate him. :'''Adam:''' You can say that again. Ollie Reeder is, to quote [[wikipedia:Bobby Kennedy|Robert F. Kennedy]], a complete fucking spazmaloid. Plus you know how Geoff Holhurst photographs: it looks like his body's in the foreground and his head is really really far away, he looks fucking weird. Just something solid, all right? Otherwise our front page is gonna be an interview with [[wikipedia:Janet_Street-Porter|Janet Street-Porter]] on why she hasn't been asked to be Prime Minister and a giant fucking Sudoku. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Downstairs at Number 10, Malcolm has an awkward run-in with Cliff Lawton.)'' :'''Cliff:''' Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' Elvis! Sorry, sorry. Cliff, Cliff. Where are you off to? :'''Cliff:''' I'm actually off to, uh, to see an old colleague, you know, from the old days, from, uh...before you asked me to resign. :'''Malcolm:''' Oh, lovely, lovely. Well, look, I'd love to stop and chat to you, but you know, I'd rather have Type 2 diabetes. :'''Cliff Lawton:''' Yes, fuck you, Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, Happy New Year. <hr width="50%"/> :''(As Malcolm enters his office, he finds, to his surprise -- or is it dismay? -- Geoff Holhurst. Geoff stands up to greet Malcolm.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Right. Hi, Geoff, don't stand. :'''Geoff:''' Oh. ''(Geoff sits back down)'' :'''Malcolm:''' No, no, I mean, "Don't stand against Tom." Now do you see what I did there? I was both being funny and also deadly serious. :'''Geoff:''' Yeah, now where did you hear that, Malcolm? I'm not standing. :'''Malcolm:''' Never mind where I heard it from. The thing is, Geoff... ''(Malcolm sits down in his chair)'' You're gonna waste everybody's time. :'''Geoff:''' I'm not standing, Malcolm. I'm just trying to start a debate, you know, a policy debate, about the future direction of the party and of the government. :'''Malcolm:''' Because first, you've got no credentials. I mean, you're so back bench you've actually fucking fallen off. You're out by the fucking bins where I put you. :'''Geoff:''' Hello? Are you listening to me? I'm not standing. :'''Malcolm:''' Secondly, I'm gonna tell the Mirror about all the drinking. :'''Geoff:''' ''(laughing)'' I'm not drinking. :'''Malcolm:''' And thirdly, I'm gonna tell the Mail about the affair. And fourthly, you've got a tiny head. :'''Geoff:''' ''(offended)'' No I haven't! :'''Malcolm:''' Yes you have. It's out of proportion, everybody mentions it. :'''Geoff:''' Look... :'''Malcolm:''' See? You're shaking it, and I can hardly see it move. Are you shaking it now? Are you shaking it now? I can't tell. :'''Geoff:''' I'm not standing, okay? My head is the right size, all right? :'''Malcolm:''' It is very petite. So you're not standing... :'''Geoff:''' No. :'''Malcolm:''' Right? You will not stand against Tom. :'''Geoff:''' I've said. I've bloody said. :'''Malcolm:''' Okay, thank you, Geoff. Let's go. Arriva-fucking-derci. ''(Geoff gets up from his chair, and he and Malcolm shake hands.)'' Let's have lunch sometime, yeah? We'll have a tete-a-tiny-tete. :'''Geoff:''' ''(leaving the office)'' Jesus... <hr width="50%"/> :''(And now, Nick Hanway, a government press relations officer, is entering his way into Malcolm's office.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(seeing Nick enter)'' Oh, Nice Nutter Nick! :'''Nick Hanway:''' What was all that about? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(standing up again)'' Just, you know, putting out a fire. :'''Nick:''' Definitely out? :'''Malcolm:''' Definitely out. Pissed out. Steam and cinders, pal. Does Tom know you're here? :'''Nick:''' Yeah, of course, yeah. :'''Malcolm:''' So how's the rebrand going? :'''Nick:''' Okay, we've, um, booked him for a photo op on Tuesday. He's taking the family to a Harvester. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(chuckling)'' Oh, Jesus Christ, really? :'''Nick:''' Yeah. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(jokingly as a reporter)'' "Have you been to a Harvester before, Prime Minister?" ''(and now as Tom)'' "No, in fact, I've never actually been outside the fucking house with my family before." :'''Nick:''' Anyway, um, look...do you know the name of the bod who's booked to go on ''Today'' in the morning? :'''Malcolm:''' Sure, yeah. Do ''you'' know? :'''Nick:''' Yeah, we just found out. So -- ''you'' know who it is? :'''Malcolm:''' Well, of course ''I'' know. I mean, there's nothing that you know that I don't know. I'm Dr. Fucking Know. :'''Nick:''' Who is it? :'''Malcolm:''' Is this, are you...Are you testing me now? Is it, 'cause I mean, I could test you. I mean, we could have a big match or testostethon. I mean, how do I know that you've got the fucking name, anyway? :'''Nick:''' Because Hugo at ''Today'' told us. :'''Malcolm:''' Right. :''(A bit of a pause...)'' :'''Nick:''' So what name have you got? :'''(Another hide-and-seek pause...)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Dan Miller. :'''Nick:''' Oh, okay, so you do know. :'''Malcolm:''' Of course I fucking do. :'''Nick:''' Look, um, Tom's announcing his team in the morning, and I've just got to stop Dan Miller announcing his team two hours before we announce ours, so...if you want to get on the bus, that's... :'''Malcolm:''' That is my mission? You, Mr. Nutty Bar, have given me a task? Jesus Christ, who the fuck does Tom think he is? :'''Nick:''' The next Prime Minister of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, Malcolm. :''(And with that cool, steely-eyed shot, Nick gets ready to leave Malcolm's office...but Malcolm isn't done with Nick yet.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Nick. ''(beat)'' Tell the mighty fucking Tom that his transition will be as smooth as a Brazilian's fuckh-- :''(But just before Malcolm can finish his comeback retort to Nick, Jamie enters the office from out of nowhere and interrupts the party.)'' :'''Jamie:''' ''(to Malcolm and Nick)'' Oh! [[wikipedia:Trinny_and_Susannah|Trinny ''and'' Susannah]]! Well I'm sorry to burst into your little fucking boutique, but you've got a fight on your hands. That's all I'm saying. I'm backing a rival candidate, ''(to Malcolm)'' so fuck you, ''(to Nick)'' and fuck you and your Nutter coronation 'cause it ain't happening. :'''Nick:''' So you're backing Dan Miller, are you? :'''Jamie:''' No, I'm not backing Dan Miller! Don't you fucking ever ask me a question again! :'''Malcolm:''' Fatty? :'''Jamie:''' Oh aye, Fatty, yeah, wee Spider-Man pyjamas, fucking idiot. From now on, it's a proper fight: it's a pub fight, [[wikipedia:Motherwell|Motherwell]] rules, and Tom is gonna get a pint glass in his fucking eye, and a pool cue up his arse, and another pool cue in his other fucking eye! :'''Malcolm:''' Geoff Holhurst. :'''Jamie:''' Oh, what, Mr Baby New Potato Head? Fuck off. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Jamie is backing Cliff Lawton for leadership. And now, Jamie and Cliff are traveling in a car, discussing strategy.)'' :'''Jamie:''' Are you a horse? :'''Cliff:''' ''(confused)'' Sorry? :'''Jamie:''' Are you a fucking horse? :'''Cliff:''' Um, I don't...I don't know what you mean. What? :'''Jamie:''' Are you a fucking horse? :'''Cliff:''' Okay, no, I'm not a horse. :'''Jamie:''' Are you sure? :'''Cliff:''' I'm sure. :'''Jamie:''' You've got a pretty fucking horsey face -- and a bit of a horsey wife. Are you a fucking horse? Are you? :'''Cliff:''' Okay, leaving the wife aside... :'''Jamie:''' Are you a horse? :'''Cliff:''' No... :'''Jamie:''' EXACTLY! :'''Cliff:''' I can categorically say that I am not a horse. :'''Jamie:''' Exactly, you are not a fucking horse. You are no horse, and you are not a [[wikipedia:Stalking horse|stalking horse]]. ''You'' are the real thing. :'''Cliff:''' ''(nodding in agreement)'' Oh, right. :'''Jamie:''' And we are going to ''ram'' you up Tom's are so hard that he has to shit out of his lying mouth. :'''Cliff:''' It's not a very nice image, really, is it? ''(beat)'' But it's very motivating. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Glenn:''' And then, Liam said that someone suggested that Tom should go on ''[[wikipedia:Strictly_Come_Dancing|Strictly Come Dancing]]''. :'''Ollie:''' He can barely even walk properly. He looks like he shat himself the whole time. :'''Glenn:''' He often has. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm''' ''(to Robyn)'': You are going to ''bury'' this Watford arseache tonight, OK? 'Cause tomorrow morning, from broadsheets to wank rags, I want page one, two and three to be a profile of Tom looking like a fucking political colossus, you know: Tom meeting the Pope, Tom in an NHS hospital chatting to little, baldie kiddies. I want pages four and five to be a timeline of the last few years in British politics with ''me'' at the centre, looking fucking indispensable, and fucking benign. And I want page six to be fucking – ''Israel'' or some bullshit, not a fucking DOSAC, DIPSHIT, LEGACY-DISTRACTING COCK-UP! :'''Robyn:''' Right, um, Jamie. Look, I just have to say at this point that I do find him just a little bit frightening. :'''Malcolm:''' Relax, he has never hit anyone. Or at least, anyone he has hit has never had the balls to take it to a superior. ''(Robyn still looks terrified)'' It's a fucking joke. It's a joke, OK? The man is a professional, you will be fine. :'''Glenn:''' Actually, Malcolm? We still have no word on Dan Miller. I mean, he's gone dark, he's not answering his phone – :'''Malcolm:''' Maybe he's in a hotel with his own huddle. Ring around, try and find him. :'''Glenn:''' What, ring every hotel in London and ask if Dan Miller's booked in? :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah! Although he could be using an assumed name. :'''Glenn:''' So you want me to ring round every hotel in London, and ask if anyone, of any name, has booked in? :'''Malcolm:''' Well it will keep you busy, you know, you need to keep the mind active at your age.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Jamie:''' OK, the line is: [[wikipedia:Wildcat_strike_action|wildcat walkout]], we'll be talking to the unions, it's too early to comment. Off the record: er, union Neanderthals with brains the size of children's bogies couldn't take the heat of Hugh Abbot's ring-stinging, shit-hot, public sector reforms, but he's flying back like Harrison Ford with a big whip in one hand and a skinny latte in the other and he's gonna whip six shades of shit out of them and save the world, OK? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' ''(on the phone to Jamie)'' There is a glacier of shit at DoSAC! I need you over here, with a fucking blowtorch, right now! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jamie:''' Nobody gives a shit if you got shafted by Malcolm. :'''Cliff:''' ''I'' will never, ever forgive him for what he did to me. :'''Jamie:''' Jesus, this isn't ''[[w:EastEnders|EastEnders]]!'' This is politics! We're all in the same plague pit, Cliff, there's no clean hands! :''(Jamie's cell phone rings)'' :'''Cliff:''' All right – :'''Jamie:''' ''(answering the phone)'' Yeah? :'''Malcolm:''' Jamie! What's that sort of droning noise in the background, then? :'''Cliff:''' Look, okay, here's a more positive approach, right, I'll try this. ''(reads from his speech)'' :'''Malcolm:''' It's a kind of boring, kind of low sort of droning, boring, kind of miserable whining, boring kind of, sort of boring noise going on? :'''Jamie:''' Yeah, well, you've got it wrong, yeah? :'''Malcolm:''' Cliff fucking Lawton. Hey, nice. Was the Cillit Bang guy not available? :'''Jamie:''' Fuck you. ''(hangs up)'' :'''Cliff:''' ... To put it simply, I'm back! :'''Jamie:''' Oh fuck off, Cliff. :'''Cliff:''' Sorry? :'''Jamie:''' Fuck off! You're a busted flush! You're not gonna be Prime Minister, you're not gonna be anything, so fuck off. :'''Cliff:''' This is your thing, isn't it? Everything has to be an absolute, everything has to be black and white! You know: 'I love you, fuck off!' There are lots of shades of grey, you know! :'''Jamie:''' Oh, I know that, I'm looking at fifteen of them right now. See you later, no-mark. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' You've got this bullshit Watford story covered, yeah? :'''Jamie:''' Yeah. :'''Malcolm:''' You and I will have a little discussion later. :'''Jamie:''' Yeah. I think Watford will get bumped by the fact that we're about to hand the nuclear codes to a guy who, every now and then, loses it so bad he needs satnav to find his own nipples. :'''Malcolm:''' What are you talking about? :'''Jamie:''' Well, I just thought it was fair to let everyone know about the Tom rumours, you know. How the guy that's about to become Prime Minister chugs antidepressants like they're fucking [[wikipedia:Smint|Smints]]. How the Black Dog humps his leg and shits in his duvet every four months; I ''think'' that will bump the Watford walkout. :'''Malcolm:''' You've gone fucking psycho son, fucking psycho! ''(leaves)'' TWAT!<hr width="50%"/> :'''Ollie:''' ''(answering his mobile)'' Hello. :'''Malcolm:''' Right, what's the plan? :'''Ollie:''' Well, they don't have a plan. :'''Malcolm:''' Okay, well perhaps you should give them one. :'''Ollie:''' Well, yes, fantastic, actually, Malc, because obviously I have a very suitable one tattooed on the underside of my scrotum, so why don't we use that – :'''Malcolm:''' Shut it, you're using up all the minutes on my 'talk till you get head cancer' tariff! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ben Swain:''' What do you think? :'''Nick Hanway:''' Hmm – To be honest, I was really hoping that was going to be shit, because I'm tired and I'd quite like to hit someone. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' Are you in on this? :'''Jamie:''' I'm not leaving it to you, eh? You couldn't organise a bum-rape in a barracks. :'''Malcolm:''' Au contraire.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Jamie:''' What we're having here is a secret conversation, and I'm hoping that this time you can keep the fucking secret, because normally you're about as secure as a hymen in a South London [[wikipedia:Comprehensive_school|comprehensive]]. :'''Terri:''' Yep, well done: that's offensive on a number of levels in a very concise way.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Angela Heaney:''' They've ditched Ballentine. :'''Adam Kenyon:''' What? Already? :'''Angela Heaney:''' Yeah. :'''Adam Kenyon:''' What the fuck is wrong with these people? I mean, what is this, potential leader speed dating? Right, who ''is'' standing? :'''Angela Heaney:''' I dunno. :'''Adam Kenyon''' ''(to another journalist working on a Ballentine story)'': Well, ditch that for a starter, get rid of her, I can't stand her fucking face. :'''Angela Heaney:''' You know, I think you should eat something. :'''Adam Kenyon:''' Oh right, yeah! Eat something, that'd be right, wouldn't it? You know what, our coverage so far has either been wrong or guesswork, which was wrong. So all we have now is a story-shaped hole! :'''Angela Heaney:''' Seriously, your blood sugar's low. :'''Adam Kenyon:''' Right. :'''Angela Heaney:''' Makes you very irritable. :'''Adam Kenyon:''' No, what makes me very irritable, Angela, is having ''no'' fucking stories and having to fill an entire newspaper with just fucking prepositions! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' And obviously if you do think about running with this pills story – :'''Adam Kenyon:''' Yeah. :'''Malcolm:''' I will personally fucking eviscerate you, right? :'''Adam Kenyon:''' Right. :'''Malcolm:''' And I mean, I don't have your education, I don't know what that means, but I will start by ripping your cock off and I'll busk it from there, okay? :'''Adam Kenyon:''' Good, thank you, again. :'''Malcolm:''' Talk to you later. :'''Adam Kenyon:''' Cheers. Bye bye now. ''(Hangs up. To Angela)'' He's a nice guy.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Jamie:''' ''(to Terri and Robyn)'' Oh hey, Desperate Housewives, have you found out who's leaking yet? :'''Glenn:''' I have. It's Julius! He's just told me – :'''Jamie:''' Wait, no, what – That – Julius? :'''Glenn:''' Yeah. :'''Jamie:''' ''Nicholson?'' That baldy PUSSY? Well, I tell you, if he thinks he's leaking now, wait to see him when I'm finished with him: he'll look like fucking [[wikipedia:The_Passion_of_the_Christ|Mel Gibson's Jesus]]! FUCK! FUCK, FUCK! FUCK!<hr width="50%" /> :'''Julius:''' Why don't I get something in? A man cannot live on Jaffa Cakes alone, obviously. I've tried.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Malcolm''' ''(to Ben)'': I'm just gonna go make some nuisance calls, I'll see you in about half a – Stop fucking blinking! Or I will take your optic nerve and strangle you with it. OK. You look after him, Ollie, OK? He's a very important man. Cock like a caber.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Adam Kenyon:''' What's the news, just – :'''Angela Heaney:''' What? :'''Adam Kenyon:''' Just tell me what the fucking news is and I'll put it on the front page. It's not like we're ''[[wikipedia:The_Independent|The Independent]]'', we can't just stick a headline saying 'Cruelty' and then stick a picture of a dolphin or a whale underneath it. I mean, that's just fucking cheating, that's rubbish. :'''Angela Heaney:''' Well, what I'm hearing is Ben Swain. :'''Adam Kenyon:''' Ben Swain? :'''Angela Heaney:''' Yeah. :'''Adam Kenyon:''' Right, I literally don't know who he is. I'm not being stupid or anything, but I physically don't know who Ben Swain is. He could be the leader of the Special Boat Squadron – :'''Angela Heaney:''' Service. :'''Adam Kenyon:''' The [[wikipedia:Special_Boat_Service|Special Boat Service]] or whatever it's fucking called, and this could be a massive coup. :'''Angela Heaney:''' Ben Swain is what I'm hearing. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' The good news, however, is that the – well, the Tom wobble, it's over. :'''Ben Swain:''' And so the – :'''Malcolm:''' That's great, isn't it? :'''Ben Swain:''' Yeah! Why is – So what, he's not wobbling, he's – What does that mean? :'''Malcolm:''' Well, it means that all the rats are now returning to a ''very'' buoyant ship and they're playing deck tennis, so that's lovely, isn't it? :'''Ben Swain:''' What does that mean for me, then? :'''Malcolm:''' I guess that means that you're standing in the chamber of the House of Commons with your big flaccid dick hanging out with a 'vote for me' sticker on the end. :'''Ben Swain:''' But you said I had a chance! About half an hour ago you said I was in with a shot! :'''Malcolm:''' Don't fucking gi– Look, half an hour ago you ''were'' in with a shot! This is half an hour hence! We've fucking time-travelled, yes? We're in a weird and wonderful world, where everything is different. Maybe outside, the polar ice caps have melted. Maybe there's fucking robots knocking about and [[wikipedia:Davina_McCall|Davina McCall]]'s the new Pope. Maybe, you can download ''rice!'' I want you right now to think about ''your'' future, okay? Think about what you are doing, get yourself back on the train to fucking Tomsville pronto, yeah? ''(walking out)'' Half an hour ago. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' What's that, cricket? That's the English equivalent of sport, isn't it? No actual physical contact, just glaring. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jamie:''' Nicholson! NICHOLSON! The immigration shit. It was you, wasn't it? You mimsy bastard Quisling leak ''fuck!'' :'''Julius:''' Sorry, what are you talking about? :'''Jamie:''' Yeah yeah yeah, you will be sorry, you inflatable cock. You fucking sold us out, didn't you? DENY IT! :'''Julius:''' Well, James, I can't deny something until I have the actual charge presented to me – :'''Jamie:''' ''(impersonating Julius)'' 'Oh oh oh, the actual charge.' ''(normal voice)'' You mean apart from the charge you're gonna get when I clamp jump leads to your baldy bollocks? Okay, okay, okay! You, Julius Nicholson, being of sound mind, but with a body that looks like a giant sex toy, did knowingly do us up the shithole, by passing confidential information to the enemy! And I am gonna have your guts as a skipping rope, and your lungs sun-dried and turned into a little fucking waistcoat! :'''Julius:''' James, technically it was not a leak, because firstly it's not confidential infor– :'''Malcolm:''' Eat that prawn. Eat that fucking prawn. :'''Julius:''' I'm not eating prawns, Malcolm, I'm on – I'm just telling you – :'''Malcolm:''' Eat that prawn. ''(throws a slice of pizza at Julius)'' Eat a bit of fucking pizza. :'''Julius:''' Don't be stupid. Malcolm – :'''Malcolm:''' Eat another prawn. ''(throws a prawn)'' :'''Julius:''' Stop it! :'''Malcolm:''' ''(throws more food)'' Have some fucking chow mein! :'''Julius:''' Malcolm – :'''Jamie:''' Here, stuff it in his fucking head! Stuff it in his big baby head! :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie, who has just returned with some cheese)'' Get that fucking cheese over there! :'''Jamie:''' EAT THE CHEESE! :'''Julius:''' I don't want the cheese, stop it! :'''Glenn:''' Go on, have some! :'''Jamie:''' ''(throwing food at Julius)'' EAT THE CHEESE! EAT THE FUC– :'''Julius:''' ''(being pelted by Malcolm and Ollie)'' This isn't funny, this is an expensive suit! James, just – :'''Jamie:''' Fuck! :'''Julius:''' What the ''fuck'' are you doing, mate? ''(runs out of the door)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Hey hey hey, right! :'''Jamie:''' EAT THE FUCKING CHEESE! ''(chasing after Julius)'' EAT THE CHEESE, NICHOLSON! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Glenn:''' Fucking ''hell!'' Fuck! Jesus. I'm not a joke, okay? All right? Hello? I am a man! I am a man, you know? You know?! This... THIS...! THIS IS MY LIFE! I'M A HUMAN BEING, AND ALL THIS IS MY LIFE! And it's collapsing in front of me! You know, Tom's lot, they're never gonna want me, are they? And fucking Hugh, now he – Jesus Christ, this is all...! ''I AM A MAN!'' And – :'''Terri:''' I know, listen – :'''Glenn:''' No you don't – :'''Terri:''' I do! :'''Glenn:''' I'm irrelevant! No no, go away, I'm irrelevant, I'm irrelevant, I'm irrelevant. :'''Terri:''' Glenn, Glenn, Glenn – :'''Glenn:''' FUCKING HUGH JUST WANTS TO SPEAK TO [[wikipedia:Teletubbies#Characters|TINKY WINKY]]?! WELL, ''FUCK'' TINKY WINKY! FUCK YOU, TINKY WINKY! [[Auf Wiedersehen, Pet|Auf Wiedersehen Pet]], the party's over, [[wikipedia:Goodbye_Yellow_Brick_Road|Goodbye Yellow Brick Road]]! WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT HITLER?! WELL, HE HAD A MOUSTACHE AND HE LIVED OVER THERE! FUCK US ALL! <hr width="50%" /> :'''Malcolm''' ''(receives an alert on his phone)'': Oh, I've been summoned to the breakfast meeting, to talk to Tom about this morning: some details about Claire Ballentine, maybe; Geoff Holhurst; young Benjamin here. :'''Nick Hanway:''' Fuck you very much, you unscrupulous bastard. :'''Malcolm:''' Scruples? Scruples, what are they? Is that those low-fat [[wikipedia:Kettle_Foods|Kettle Chips]]? OK people, wake up and smell the cock! Hey Ben, next time that you wanna stab Caesar, make sure you're not holding a fucking plastic spoon. <hr width="50%"/> :''(The Mail are revealing that Ben Swain was racist to a cleaner)'' :'''Glenn:''' I've been leaking for 27 years, I know how it's done, I leaked it! :'''Ollie:''' You don't leak! Well not from the mouth, anyway. :'''Malcolm:''' You fucking shut up. At least this is Hugh's Glenn. All that you are, mate, is fucking ''Ben's'' Glenn.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Ollie:''' ''Guardian Online'', right? :'''Glenn:''' Yes. :'''Ollie:''' I notice they got Tom to do the questionnaire. :'''Glenn:''' What, trying to make himself look more like a human being and less like a calculator with Aspergers? What does he say? :'''Ollie:''' 'When were you happiest?' 'At the birth of my son.' :'''Glenn:''' Bollocks, he wasn't even at the birth of his son. Actually no, he was in an all-night sitting of the Communications Bill, fast asleep. And his sister-in-law woke him with a text. :'''Ollie:''' 'What was the last CD you bought?' 'The Scissor Sisters'. ''(Glenn laughs.)'' And do we believe him? 'Which living person do you most admire?' :'''Glenn:''' Er, well that's tough. Nelson Mandela? :'''Ollie:''' Correct! I think you just press F5 for that one, to be absolutely honest with you. 'How do you relax?' 'Cannabis and wanking'? :'''Glenn:''' He hasn't. :'''Ollie:''' No of course he hasn't, you idiot, 'Listening to opera'. :'''Glenn:''' Oh, right. :'''Ollie:''' While wanking.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Nick Hanway:''' Why tonight of all ''fucking nights'', why tonight? :'''Malcolm Tucker:''' Oh well, that's easy: Tucker's Law. 'If some cunt ''can'' fuck something up, that cunt will pick the worst possible time to fucking fuck up because that cunt's a cunt.' I've got that embroidered on a tea towel at home. === Opposition Extra === :'''Emma Messinger:''' Peter, hi, it's Emma. Now listen, Stewart says this really ''is'' the strategy. :'''Peter Mannion:''' We're supposed to be the opposition, for Christ's sake. In the old days, we wouldn't have been weeping over his grave, we'd have been pissing on it. :'''Emma Messinger:''' If we start point-scoring now, we're just going to look like opportunist weasels. :'''Peter Mannion:''' Well, weasily done. :'''Emma Messinger:''' Sorry? :'''Peter Mannion:''' It's weasily done. :'''Phil Smith:''' It's a joke. :'''Emma Messinger:''' That was a joke? :'''Peter Mannion:''' Tell Stewart I'm not doing it. Tell him bollocks to it, tell him to fuck off. :'''Emma Messinger:''' Tell Stewart to f– Now, Peter, that's not really a very good idea, is it? He's not going to like it if you tell him to fuck off, is he? :'''Peter Mannion:''' Not actually. Yeah, not actually fuck off, just make an excuse, pretty it up, but when you do tell him, make sure that he knows, reading between the lines, that I told you to tell him to fuck off, but you're prettying it up.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Peter Mannion:''' I was supposed to be making an announcement this morning on the failures in the immigration system, making a big speech! :'''Adam Kenyon:''' Yeah, Peter, we were there; you know, I mean, you were giving your recipe for spag bol, and then [[wikipedia:Gordon_Ramsay|Gordon Ramsay]] walks in and takes us all out for peacock and chips.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Emma Messinger''' ''(arriving at Peter's house)'': Peter! Peter? Hi, it's Emma. ''(whispers)'' Oh sorry, you're on the phone, sorry. :'''Peter Mannion:''' Oh hi, Emma! I thought it was Kate Winslet, she generally pops round about now.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Stewart Pearson''' ''(on the phone)'': Peter, we need you to go on [[wikipedia:BBC_News_(TV_channel)|News 24]], like Phil asked, and to say nice things about the PM. :'''Peter Mannion:''' If I'm praising the PM, can I at least have a go at Tom and the Nutters? Can I at least subtly suggest they're waving in a man who pulls himself off by reading European tax law amendments? :'''Stewart Pearson:''' No way! No way, we do not slag off Tom, we want Tom in. Tom is our big fat, socially dysfunctional, swing-voter repellent, golden weirdo ticket. :'''Emma Messinger:''' Surely you can understand how this will work in our favour, Peter? I mean, they're going to elect a man who can count his friends on the fingers of, like, of my father's right hand! :'''Stewart Pearson:''' Dan Miller is thinking of standing, that's what I'm hearing. Yeah, oh sorry, just a minute, just a min– ''(to a colleague outside his office)'' Mark! Mark! When I say I want you to cc JB on everything to do with these interviews, I do mean everything, not just the things that ''you'' think are important. I'm an extraordinarily precise man, Mark, that's why my wife left me. ''(back on the phone)'' JB doesn't want Dan Miller, he's too young and he's too witty, whereas Tom looks 92 and he's about as funny as [[wikipedia:Norman_Wisdom|Norman Wisdom]]. We slag Tom off once he's elected, but not now, hm?<hr width="50%" /> :''(watching TV in their flat)'' :'''Emma Messinger:''' Phil, switch over, we haven't looked at News 24 for a bit. :'''Phil Smith:''' No, it would just be the Ten Glorious Years package in permanent orbit. Is it just me, or does [[wikipedia:Noel_Gallagher|Noel Gallagher]] getting older look like one of those Evolution of Man wall charts in reverse?<hr width="50%" /> :'''Ollie''' ''(answers his mobile)'': Morning. :'''Emma:''' Yeah, have you seen the ''Mail''? :'''Ollie:''' Erm, no I haven't, I'm under 40 and I have a penis, why? :'''Emma:''' They've got a big graphic on the night's winners and losers. Yeah, it's not a great picture of you. :'''Ollie:''' What? Me – What, I'm in it? :'''Emma:''' You look very very pasty and about nine, so – :'''Ollie:''' Am I a winner or a loser? :'''Emma:''' You are a loser! :'''Ollie:''' I'm a loser? For fuck's sake – ''(Emma is listening to the radio)'' God, is that Ben on ''[[wikipedia:Today_(BBC_Radio_4)|Today]]'' in the background? You can even hear him blinking on the radio. This is absolute bollocks, I'm not supposed to be in the paper, Em, I'm just, you know – It's not me who's supposed to be in the paper, is it? It's fucking ridiculous. :'''Emma:''' Oh come on, it's only the ''Mail'', don't worry about it. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, yeah, I know it's the ''Daily Mail'', but you know – my mum gets the ''Mail''. == Series 3, Episode 1 == :''(It's Cabinet Reshuffle Day in the British Government, and Malcolm Tucker has got his finger on the trigger.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Ed! Get Tom Rudd in. Now. We're offering him Northern Ireland, the lucky sod. :'''Ed:''' I think he's expecting to be offered Transport. :'''Malcolm:''' Well, tell him he's taking the bus to George Best airport, right? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' ''(on his cell phone)'' He’s making Paul Remington a Cabinet Minister. Remtard Remington. I mean the guy is an epic fuck-up. He’s so dense that light bends around him. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' Come on people, let’s get going here! I’ve got a to-do list that’s longer than a fucking [[w:Leonard Cohen|Leonard Cohen]] song! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Meanwhile, Ollie Reeder and Terri Coverley are discussing the Cabinet reshuffle at DoSAC.)'' :'''Ollie:''' ''(looking at his computer)'' Remtard at Energy and Climate Change. :'''Terri:''' Really? I'm not getting that. ''(Terri looks at her computer.)'' It's not on here. How did you get that about Remington? :'''Ollie:''' ''(slightly annoyed)'' Refresh the page. :'''Terri:''' Yeah. Ah, yeah. Oh look, Fatty's staying put! They're not moving Fatty! :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, well, that's 'cause they haven’t got five big blokes and a winch. :'''Terri:''' They couldn't really demote Fatty, 'cause he knows too much. :'''Ollie:''' Well he doesn't know where the [[w:Ryvita|Ryvita]] is kept, does he? <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm is on the phone once more, talking to a colleague about how busy he is.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' I've got this -- this-this reshuffle going on, the Leamington Spa by-election coming up, I've got more on my plate than a spinster at a wedding. That wasn't a reference to your daughter by the way, Andrew. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Hugh Abbot has lost his place in the reshuffle.)'' :'''Glenn:''' Well. That's Hugh gone, then. :'''Terri:''' It's so sad, isn't it? Hugh. :'''Glenn:''' Yeah. :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Terri)'' You don't give a ''shit''! :''(beat)'' :'''Terri:''' ...No, well, perhaps I don't. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ollie:''' Northern Ireland office, Tom Rudd. Who's Tom Rudd? Tom Rudd? :'''Terri:''' Isn't he in ''Harry Potter''? :'''Glenn:''' Tom Rudd is army slang for standing-up buggery. :'''Ollie:''' Right. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' ''(calling out to Doug Hayes)'' Doug! Doug! Dougie! Look at you, cock like [[wikipedia:Pink_Panther_(character)|the Pink Panther's]] tail. Come have a Kit Kat. :'''Doug Hayes:''' I'm afraid I turned it down, Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' Do you know ninety percent of household dust is made of dead human skin? That's what you are. To me. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm is back on the phone with Andrew -- AND, of course, Malcolm accidentally insults Andrew's daughter.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Doug Hayes is a massive abortion. Again, not a reference to your daughter. We need somebody to plug this DoSAC hole. Anybody. A fucking mammal with a head. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Terri:''' ''(to Glenn and Ollie)'' Have you two finished emptying your desks yet? :'''Glenn:''' ''(agitated)'' Yes, don't worry, Terri, we're all ready to go. :'''Terri:''' I'm just trying to get everything organised for whenever whoever arrives. They are gonna have their own people. It's gonna be very embarrassing if your hand cream's still in the drawer. :'''Glenn:''' ''Hand cream?'' :'''Terri:''' Yeah, well, whatever men have. I don't know, electric nose-hair trimmers, Ex-Lax... :'''Ollie:''' ''(mocking Glenn)'' Aww, look at Glenn. Your face...On the scrapheap at the tender age of 76? It's no life for you, is it, Glenn, this? Hey, do you want me to call Dignitas? ''(beat)'' I could call Indignitas. They could come round and shove you out of the window dressed as a clown. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' ''(on his phone again)'' Get me, um, Nicola Murray. Yeah. If she says "no", well, I don't know, the only other candidate is my left bollock with a fucking smiley face drawn on it. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Terri announces and introduces the new head of the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship.)'' :'''Terri:''' Ladies and gentlemen, may I introduce the new Secretary of State for the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship, Nicola Murray. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Nicola Murray is the new head of the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship -- DoSAC, for short. As she heads into her new office, she gets a cell phone call from her husband, James.)'' :'''Nicola Murray:''' ''(on the phone to her husband.)'' Um...Yes, I know. They just -- they frog-marched me into it. ''(beat)'' I didn't know. I had no idea. ''(beat)'' James, be fair! I did -- I-I left seven fucking messages for you. Your secretary or whoever is useless. I don't think the school thing's gonna be a problem. It's not gonna be a problem 'cause they'll have vetted me at Number 10. And obviously nobody has soiled themselves or shot me. Great, well, I'll take your warm congratulations as implied. ''(Nicola hangs up her phone.)'' Fucking arsehole. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Terri checks to see if Nicola's alright.)'' :'''Terri:''' You all right? :'''Nicola:''' Yes, it's all a bit crazy. No, it just feels like my head's made entirely of smoke alarms. ''(laughing)'' At the moment, it's all a bit ''OOH...'' ''(Nicola mimes an explosion.)'' :'''Terri:''' Yes, well, it was a bit of a shock for us all, you know. :'''Nicola:''' I'm sure. :'''Terri:''' In a good way, in a good way. :'''Nicola:''' Good. :'''Terri:''' Well, like twins or a tax rebate. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Nicola calls both Glenn and Ollie into her office to discuss her policy as the new head of DoSAC.)'' :'''Nicola:''' My primary focus is social mobility, that's very much my -- my Big Thing. :'''Ollie:''' Right. :'''Nicola:''' And I suppose I'm telling you that, really, partly to get your take on it and also so that you can, you know, start spreading the news and printing the posters and, uh, you know, fire up the turbo chargers, set the phases to equality: It's Murray time! :'''Glenn:''' The thing is – and Ollie, please correct me here if I'm wrong. :'''Ollie:''' I will certainly do that. :'''Glenn:''' Social mobility, making people richer, costs money. :'''Ollie:''' Yes, and we don't have any of that, really. :'''Nicola:''' Right. :'''Ollie:''' I mean, if you speak to Nick at the Treasury he will tell you the same, only with his annoying lisp. :'''Nicola:''' What you're telling me is that basically I'm gonna be a woman with a computer and some pens. :'''Ollie:''' Well, it's just a pen budget. :'''Nicola:''' I mean, I have about as much ''real'' power as [[wikipedia:The_Apprentice_(UK_TV_series)#The_Board|those twats who sit either side]] of [[Alan Sugar]]. :'''Ollie:''' Well – Yes. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Glenn and Ollie are in Nicola's office, trying to give her tips on how to deal with Malcolm. But before they can do so...Malcolm walks in.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(entering the office)'' Is this the No. 1 Ladies' Detective Agency? :'''Nicola:''' Malcolm Tucker! The real deal. Hello. :''(Malcolm and Nicola shake hands.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola, smiling)'' The real deal. Good to see you. You're looking great! ''(to Glenn and Ollie)'' All right, Hinge and Bracket, time to go and hang up your lady-cocks. :''(Glenn and Ollie leave, and Malcolm continues his conversation with Nicola.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Nicola Murray! Here you are, Secretary of State for the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship. :'''Nicola:''' Yep, I now have one of the longest job titles in Western politics. Thank God I don't have to wear a lapel badge. :'''Malcolm:''' It's a pity that we couldn't just make an abbreviation of it, you know, like PFI. Which I think stands for Pretty Fucking Imbarrassing. If you're a bit sloppy about the details, which clearly your fucking husband is. :'''Nicola:''' Okay, look, James works for Albany, fine. He wasn't even working there when the contract was awarded. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(smiling)'' Don't worry, don't worry. That was just me, that was... :'''Nicola:''' ''(getting the joke)'' Okay, right. Fine. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(serious again)'' I mean, that's the sort of thing the press will throw at you. I mean, you step out of line, they'll be all over you like a pigeon on a chip, you know? Is that your chair? :'''Nicola:''' Oh God, yeah. It's cool, isn't it? It's got, um, lumbar support. :'''Malcolm:''' Bin it. People don't like their politicians to be comfortable. They don't like you having expenses. They don't like you being paid. They'd rather you lived in a fucking cave. :'''Nicola:''' Ok, fine. So, uh, what should I be sitting on? Should I just get an upturned KFC bucket? :'''Malcolm:''' A fucking normal chair, right? Not a fucking massive vibrating throne. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Glenn, Ollie and Terri are watching Malcolm's conversation with Nicola outside the office...wondering if Nicola will keep any of them on.)'' :'''Glenn:''' Malcolm must be hating this. All these bright, fresh, new ministers to blood in ''and'' to plan a by-election. :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' If it's any consolation to you, a little bit of you will always be in this department, because she's nabbed your chair. Hasn't she? She's got your chair, and, in fact, your dandruff. :'''Glenn:''' Ha ha ha. If I go, that chair is coming with me. :'''Ollie:''' You know those old men you see who go to the park to read the paper? That'll be you. You could go in your chair. They'd make you King of All the Tramps. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Meanwhile, in Nicola's office...)'' :'''Malcolm:''' So, uh, you got three kids, yeah? :'''Nicola:''' Uh, I've got four. :'''Malcolm:''' Four! :'''Nicola:''' Yeah. Katie's 16, she's the eldest. She's just left school. :'''Malcolm:''' Not going to a college or university? :'''Nicola:''' Um, she's a bit of a rebel. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(concerned)'' What sort of a rebel? I mean, so, I mean, look, what are we talking here? Are we talking a pierced navel or holidays at Pakistani training camp? :'''Nicola:''' It's-it's chiefly heroin. ''(beat)'' Although she has cut down since getting pregnant by that Nigerian people-smuggler, because the track marks would have affected her porn career. :''(Terri has awkwardly entered the office. She politely apologizes for the interruption, but feels...a little awkward about the conversation taking place.)'' :'''Terri:''' I'm sorry to disturb. Um... ''(to Malcolm)'' Morning, Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' Morning, Terri. :'''Terri:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Just wanted to give you a few things here. That's change from the fruit salad. This is this morning's paper. Do excuse me. :''(Terri politely leaves the office...and Nicola resumes her chat with Malcolm.)'' :'''Nicola:''' Um, I'm surprised that you, uh, haven't vetted me, I thought you'd know about the kids. :'''Malcolm:''' It's just that 'cause you were just a sort of, you were a bit of a late-ish kind of appointment. :'''Nicola:''' Mmm. :'''Malcolm:''' That didn't quite give me the time to, you know, to "fuck the I'd and fist the T's," as Robert Robertson might say. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Sounds to me like that she's only bringing in, um, one other person, so...you know, I wonder whether she might keep one of us on permanently. :'''Terri:''' Thank God I'm safe. :'''Glenn:''' ''(annoyed)'' Je- We ''know'' you're safe, Terri! How do we know you're safe? We know your safe, because you keep using the word "safe," like bloody [[wikipedia:Jim_Bowen|Jim Bowen]]! :'''Ollie:''' ''(imitating Jim Bowen presenting [[wikipedia:Bullseye_(British_game_show)|Bullseye)]]'' Yeah, you've got DoSAC, that's safe. Do you want to go for the treasury, young lady? <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm and Nicola are now discussing her kids...including Nicola's 11-year-old daughter, who is starting secondary school in September.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Okay. Mrs. Walton. What about these other kids? What-what ages are they? :'''Nicola:''' They're 11, 9 and 5. :'''Malcolm:''' 11? :'''Nicola:''' Mmm-hmm. :'''Malcolm:''' So that's, uh, secondary school? :'''Nicola:''' No, she's, uh, still at primary, state primary. Lovely little school with, um, terrible SATS results, but, you know, really good kind of broad demographic and steel band. :'''Malcolm:''' So, she will be going to a secondary school, what, in September? :'''Nicola:''' Yeah, yeah. So, um...I-I can see where this is going. Um, it's not an issue. :'''Malcolm:''' Great! If it's not an issue, I'll just fucking toddle off, then. I'll go and have a nice relaxing wee sleep under my duvet. Probably won't even have to tug myself off, 'cause I'm so fucking relaxed about that. 'Cause I know that there is no fucking issue here. Right? :'''Nicola:''' She's not going to the comprehensive, Malcolm. She's going to a local independent school. :'''Malcolm:''' Jesus H fucking ''Corbett.'' Do you honestly think, do you honestly believe that as a minister you can get away with that? You are saying that, uh, that, that all your local state schools, ''all'' the schools that this government has drastically improved are knife-addled rape sheds, and that's not a big story? For fuck's sake. Sort it or abort it! :'''Nicola:''' Let's get this clear: My family is off limits, all right? This job is not gonna get anywhere near my husband and my kids, it just doesn't. :'''Malcolm:''' Of course it fucking does. As per the wee barcode and the serial number under your right armpit, you are now built and owned by the state, and you are under the spotlight 24 hours a day, darling! ''(beat)'' Do you know what you are? You're a fucking human dartboard, and [[wikipedia:Eric_Bristow|Eric fucking Bristow]]'s on the [[wikipedia:Oche|oche]] flinging a million darts made of human shit right at you. Can you take that? Can you? :'''Nicola:''' Okay, look. You, the "All-Swearing Eye." You didn't even know how many kids I had! You had to ask me! So who on Earth in the press is gonna even know or care? :'''Malcolm:''' Do you remember ''[[wikipedia:The Big Breakfast|The Big Breakfast]]''? Remember that programme? :'''Nicola:''' ''(exasperated)'' Yes! :'''Malcolm:''' You remember how [[wikipedia:Chris Evans (presenter)|Chris Evans]] started that? Do you remember it was a big success? And then they had that guy, [[wikipedia:Johnny Vaughan|Johnny Vaughan]], remember him? :'''Nicola:''' Uh-huh. :'''Malcolm:''' Everybody loved him. Fuck knows why, but they loved him. Do you know what this is here? This here is fucking Series 10 of ''The Big Breakfast.'' And do you know what you are? You're the fucking dinner lady that they have asked to come and present the show. The reason I didn't know about you and your children is 'cause you were so low down on the list of candidates for this job, I didn't even have the chance to look into you. ''(beat)'' So low. ''(beat)'' Wayyyyy way way way way way way way wayyy...low. :''(A brief pause...and then Malcolm starts up again.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' You are now being scrutinised for what you wear, what you say. For your hair, your shoes, your fucking earrings, your fucking cleavage ''and'' your dress, which, by the way, is ''way'' too loud! :'''Nicola:''' TOO LOUD?! :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, I'm getting fucking tinnitus here! Look. ''(beat)'' Your crooked husband, I can make go away. But your crooked husband combined with you being worried about your underage daughter coming home up the duff from some truanting bastard, I cannot. She goes to the comp, okay? :''(Malcolm finally leaves Nicola's office, allowing Nicola to recover from the Terrible Tucker Tornado.)'' :'''Nicola:''' ''(relieved)'' Oooh, God... <hr width="50%"/> :''(At Number 10, Malcolm sees Ed walking down the hall, all stressed out.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Hey, what's wrong with you? You look like you've shat a Lego garage or something. :'''Ed:''' Jim Lane's daughter is standing as an independent in Leamington Spa. :''(Malcolm and Ed start walking...)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(silently, to himself)'' For fuck's sake...fuck. ''(to Ed)'' This is gonna split our vote. :'''Ed:''' Do you think we're in trouble? Maybe we should have chosen her over Liam Bentley. :'''Malcolm:''' No. She thinks just because her dead fat-arse dad was the MP that gives her the right to be our candidate? No no no. This isn't Czarist Russia. It's not the fucking Dimblebys. :'''Ed:''' What do we do? :'''Malcolm:''' We send everyone up there, to support Liam Bentley, including the Prime Minister. :'''Ed:''' You want to send Tom up there? :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, fuck it, he'll be all right as long as he doesn't do the smile. You hit the phones, right? I'll be with you in two shakes of a crying baby. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' You have been asked by the PM, specifically, to pop along to Leamington, and do some photo ops with Liam Bentley, supporting him, yeah? :'''Nicola:''' I don't really have any choice, do I? :'''Malcolm:''' Of course you have a choice. You can decide exactly how you say yes. You can do it with a voice. Have fun with it. :'''Nicola:''' ''(Pause)'' Yes. ''(Beat)'' In my own voice. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' ''(on the phone)'' Well you know what, Howard, she's not bent, either in the sense of being corrupt or being gay. And by the way, that's an incredibly homophobic headline, you massive poof. ''(enters Nicola's office)'' You've got egg on your face, Howard, you over-easy pissbag. ''(hangs up. To Terri, Ollie and Glenn)'' Oh hey, [[Yoko Ono]] and the two remaining Beatles, piss off. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Nicola suspects that Malcolm set up the 'I am bent' photos)'' :'''Nicola:''' Malcolm. Sorry, can we just carry on talking about that thing? Was it you who positioned me there? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(waiting for a lift)'' Do you know what the first sign of madness is? Paranoia. Have you seen that film, you know, ''[[A Beautiful Mind (film)|A Beautiful Mind]]'', the one with that, er, [[Russell Crowe]]? The one where [[wikipedia:John_Forbes_Nash_Jr.|the maths guy]] thinks that the CIA are working away in his shed at the bottom of his garden? That's you. :'''Nicola:''' No. I'm not the mad one here. ''You'' are the mad one, you're Russell Crowe. :'''Malcolm:''' No, no, no, ''you'' are Russell Crowe. ''(waves patronisingly at her)'' And you need to fucking listen to me, Russell, you fucking Antipodean fucking kangaroo-loving fruitcake! See this poster stuff? That's fucking small fry. That's fucking whitebait, Russ me old [[wiktionary:cobber#English|cobber]]. ''(enters the lift)'' The really horrible stuff, that's all still about to happen to you, right? Right, you're coming in here so we can carry this on? :'''Nicola:''' What, now? :'''Malcolm:''' Err, if you can spare the time! :'''Nicola:''' Err, no. ''(Pause)'' No, I can't – I don't use lifts, I'm claustrophobic. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(incredulous)'' You're ''what?'' :'''Nicola:''' Not hugely, I can be in rooms, you've seen that, I just don't do lifts, that's all. :'''Malcolm:''' But this lift is – I mean, it's fucking huge! I mean, this is bigger than some rooms, this is bigger than some people's flats! :'''Nicola:''' It's about not being able to get out. :'''Malcolm:''' Oh, well that's great. That's fucking great, that's another fucking thing, right there: not only have you got a fucking bent husband and a fucking daughter that gets taken to school in a fucking sedan chair, you're also fucking ''mental!'' Jesus Christ, see you, you are a fucking ''[[w:omnishambles|omnishambles]]'', that's what you are. You're like that coffee machine, you know: "from bean to cup, you fuck up". :'''Nicola:''' ''(to herself, returning to her office)'' He so is Russell Crowe! :'''Terri:''' ''(at her desk, overhearing)'' Who? <hr width="50%"/> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Where the fuck is Doug Hayes? :'''Ed:''' Yes, we put in a lot of calls. :'''Malcolm:''' Well, put it a lot more calls: I'm talking 'psycho ex-girlfriend with a really good tariff'. <hr width="50%"/> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Glenn:''' Because if you are worried about Malcolm, well, you know, Ollie and I have amassed one or two tips, how to deal with him, over the years. It's pretty much common sense, really: don't drive a gas guzzler, don't sign up for [[wikipedia:Bupa|Bupa]], don't have an affair. Don't tell racist jokes, however ironic. :'''Nicola:''' Oh! :'''Glenn:''' Don't send your children to independent schools. :'''Ollie:''' Don't dig up [[Diana, Princess of Wales|Diana]] and have [[Patrick Moore]] play Nazi drinking songs on her ribs.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Ollie:''' Yeah I suppose so, he's gonna have to let her go free-range for a week, isn't he? Till after the by-election. Then he can snap her beak off, cram her into the battery cage; Nicola: 'I'm not really good with cages', ''(impersonates Malcolm)'' 'Get in there Nicola, fucking get in till you're perfectly square, and you're shiteing cuboid eggs!' :'''Terri:''' ''(sighing)'' Thank God I'm safe. I'm glued to this department and you'd have to steam me off. :'''Glenn:''' Yeah. Well you don't have to worry about me: You don't hang around in this business as long as I have without picking up contacts. :'''Ollie:''' Yes, but [[Benjamin Disraeli|Disraeli]]'s dead, Glenn, he died in the Crimea, did you not hear the town crier announce it?<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Malcolm:''' It's never too soon to go to Leamington. It's the Venice of the Midlands, if Venice was fucking horrible. :'''Malcolm:''' Have a lovely time in Leamington, yeah? I hear it's got the best [[wikipedia:Lidl|Lidl]] in the West Midlands.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Nicola:''' ''(at the poster launch in Leamington)'' And we need to be investing, er, at least – :'''Glenn:''' Invest? Did I hear her say 'invest'? :'''Terri:''' ''(on the phone)'' Ollie, she's gone off-piste, she's off the mountain now. :'''Glenn:''' Oh, Jesus. She's so far off the mountain, she's being finger-banged in a chalet by Bigfoot. == Series 3, Episode 2 == :''(Malcolm and Nicola are talking about a newspaper story calling for Nicola to be "sacked.")'' :'''Nicola:''' You've seen the sack race thing, I suppose. Yeah, there it is. :''(Malcolm, of course, thinks the story is funny.)'' :'''Nicola:''' It's not funny! It's not even accurate, because technically I was fourth. So, really, they should have said, "Fourth in the Sack race." I think we should complain to the PCC. :'''Malcolm:''' Look, stop worrying: the PM is not going to sack you after a week. Sacked after twelve months, looks like you've fucked up; sacked after a week, looks like ''he's'' fucked up. :'''Nicola:''' I'm not doing ''terribly'', am I? :''(beat)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(looking out of the car window)'' I love the way that they've sandblasted everything around here. It's so ''clean''! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nicola:''' I'd just like people to get to know the real me. You know, I feel like I'm coming across as a bit...Oh, I don't know. Glum. :'''Malcolm:''' Smug. :'''Nicola:''' Smug? :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, you're coming across as more smug than glum. :'''Nicola:''' 'Cause I am actually quite a fun person, underneath all of this. I've got loads of friends. :'''Malcolm:''' Well, I'm sure you have, but the trouble is when you say something like that, it sounds a wee bit smug. ''(to Nicola's driver)'' Can you just pull in over here? And you can take out that cyclist as you go in, I think he's [[wikipedia:Shadow_Cabinet|Shadow Cabinet]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Nicola)'' I have here the minutes which are a record and – :'''Ollie:''' No no no, you can't just overwrite minutes! You specifically can't do it, 'cause you can't unlock a PDF file. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Robyn:''' Do you know, Malcolm? ''(Malcolm stares back, gravely)'' Er, the best way to clear a paper jam? :'''Malcolm:''' I don't know. Kill a kid an hour until it sorts itself out? <hr width="50%" /> :''(Nicola is trying to talk to Malcolm...)'' :'''Nicola:''' So. Malcolm -- :'''Malcolm:''' Oh, oh, oh. Incoming body parts. Excuse me. (Malcolm answers his cell phone) Look, if this has got any bigger, you're gonna feel the thump of a fucking harpoon in your thorax. :'''Nicola:''' ''(to Robyn)'' Does he know? Well, follow him. :'''Malcolm:''' (still on his phone) I hope you like shitting toenails, because that's what you're gonna be doing all of next week. And don't worry, I've painted them yellow so they'll look like fucking sweet corn. :''(Robyn is trying to secretly follow Malcolm, but backs away when she sees him coming her way)'' :'''Malcolm:''' (on his phone) The guy's a fucking liability! (softly) Jesus Christ. Listen, I want... :''(Robin makes her way back towards the others, and they have to whisper so Malcolm doesn't hear them talking.)'' :'''Robyn:''' Look, I couldn't hear everything, he takes very long strides... :'''Ollie:''' What, are you a fucking penguin? Just run. :'''Robyn:''' Look, I'm a civil servant, not a fucking Olympic athlete! :''(Malcolm seems to be off his cell phone...)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Right. What's occurring, Hermann Goring? :''(But then his cell phone rings. Again.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' (annoyed) ''WHAT?'' (And then...Malcolm doesn't like what he hears...) You're fucking kidding me. Excuse me. ''(to Nicola and the team)'' Two minutes and I will be back. <hr width="50%"/> :''(On Nicola's orders, Robyn starts following Malcolm again. She's soon approached by Glenn.) :'''Glenn:''' Hi, Robyn! Hey, look. Um...You know Phil Davis? Is he a Davies or a Davis? :'''Robyn:''' I know you don't like me, Glenn, but you're not sacking me. :'''Glenn:''' What? :''(Both Glenn and Robyn are smiling and laughing at each other falsely throughout their conversation...)'' :'''Glenn:''' (still laughing) I'm protecting you. :'''Robyn:''' Okay, well, you know, I've got your back as well. Even though I know you are the guy who authorized the wiping of the back-up. :'''Glenn:''' Well, that may or may not be true. :'''Robyn:''' Well, it is true. :'''Glenn:''' Well, it may or it may not be true. :'''Robyn:''' Well, that is true. <hr width="50%"/> :''(After spending a long time on his cell phone, Malcolm finally makes his way back to Nicola's office to see her and the staff. This time, he's making his entrance by jokingly pretending to be the Big Bad Wolf.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' (in a gruff voice) ''Little pigs...Little PIGS...Let me come in. Don't worry about the hair on your chinny-chin-chin.'' (Malcolm's still smiling.) :'''Nicola:''' So what was your call? :'''Malcolm:''' What was my call? :'''Glenn:''' Did you... :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' You want to know what my call was? :'''Nicola:''' Was it important? :'''Malcolm:''' I'm sorry, I didn't realize that I had to run my calls through your bed-wetters' switchboard here. I usually just dial 1-1-Hate. :'''Nicola:''' Malcolm, do you know? :'''Ollie:''' Obviously, he knows. :'''Glenn:''' No, he ''doesn't'' know. :''(Nicola decides to come clean to Malcolm.)'' :'''Nicola:''' There has been a massive irretrievable data loss. The last seven months' worth of new immigrant details have gone, apparently lost in the computer. :''(Malcolm can't help but smile and chuckle with disbelief...)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Do you know what, you know what's really fucking sad here is that I don't even have the energy to pretend I already knew. Which is for the best, because I'm gonna need all of my fucking energy to fucking rip all of your bodies to bits with my bare hands and sell off, ''(sees Nicola gesture to herself)'' yeah, sell off your fucking flayed skin, as a ''sleeping bag! To a fucking normal person!'' :'''Nicola:''' Can I just say that getting angry actually isn't gonna help anything. I've done anger, I'm currently at grief, I'm working my way towards, er, bargaining, whatever, you know – you're behind me. :'''Malcolm:''' So what is your great strategy for dealing with this? Come on: I mean, I'm fucking all ears, I'm fucking [[Andrew Marr]] here! :'''Nicola:''' So let's – Terri, let's hear what you – :'''Malcolm:''' Let's go, let's get going, high-level tactical discussion, I'm up for it! :'''Terri:''' Right, er, blaming the department minister might be a high-risk strategy. :'''Malcolm:''' Oh, high-risk: saucy! Power serve! :'''Nicola:''' My pitch would be: this department is fatally flawed, it's out of condition, it's obese, it's asthmatic. :'''Malcolm:''' That's it girl, back over the net. :'''Glenn:''' You need to be really sure about that, Nicola. :'''Malcolm:''' Yes, wise words from the distinguished elderly gay fucking tennis coach here. :'''Ollie:''' Seriously, I think we should talk about my strategy further because I really think that that's the way. :'''Malcolm''' ''(interrupting)'': Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, the fucking wee ball boy's having a go now with his wee fucking tight shorts on! ''(to Robyn, who has returned with a tray of drinks)'' What about [[wikipedia:Sue_Barker|Sue Barker]]'s little sister here? What's she got to say? You got something to say, to add to the conversation? :'''Robyn:''' No, er, just that there was no lemon zinger so, um, ''(to Nicola)'' this is coffee, is that all right? :'''Malcolm:''' Do ''The Guardian'' know about this? :'''Nicola:''' Oh fuck, I don't – Fucking ''Guardian'', I don't know. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, as it's referred to in my department. :'''Terri:''' Should I find out? Get some feelers? :'''Malcolm''' ''(looking at Terri's breasts)'': Yeah go on, get your feelers out for the lads. :'''Nicola:''' What do you think, Malcolm? Shitting on the department, will that work? :'''Malcolm:''' Yes, let's cause a little bit of friction. Let's fire someone. What about Glenn? :'''Ollie:''' No, you can't just fire Glenn like that! :'''Nicola:''' We could fire Glenn. :'''Terri:''' Shall I get his file? :'''Glenn:''' No! I've got a list! :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' See, there you are, he's got a list. :''(They're all leaving Nicola's office)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' You're a new broom, you're sweeping up trouble with one end, broom-handling incompetent staff up the tunnel with the other. :'''Nicola:''' So, Malcolm, how do we play it at ''The Guardian?'' :'''Malcolm:''' (smiling uncomfortably) Smile! Be gay! Smile, smile, smile! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm''' ''(arriving at Nicola's'' Guardian ''lunch)'': Afternoon, ladies! I heard there were sandwiches and I'm a fucker for cress – No no no, please don't get up, I'm not [[wikipedia:Sildenafil|Viagra]]. Geoffrey. ''(shakes hands)'' :'''Geoffrey:''' Always a pleasure. :'''Malcolm:''' Good to see you. John, how are you doing? ''(John gets up to shake hands)'' I just want to tell you, I really enjoyed your novel. :'''John:''' Oh, thank you very much! :'''Malcolm:''' Way of writing a fucking awful story. Joking, joking!<hr width="50%" /> :''(Nicola has accidentally revealed the data loss to an on-the-record journalist.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' FUCK'S SAKE! Jesus – Christ! Well, now we've got another fucking adjective to add to fucking 'smug' and 'glum', haven't we?! Fucking 'RETARDED'! JESUS Ch– Do you not think it would be germane to ''check'' who you're talking to?! IT'S A FUCKING NEWSPAPER OFFICE! IT'S NOT A FUCKING SANATORIUM FOR THE FUCKING DEAF, IS IT?! ARE YOU ''SO'' DENSE?! Am I gonna have to run around, slapping badges on people, with a big tick on some and a big cross on others, so you know ''when'' to shut your gob and when to open it?! Jesus Christ! Oh, but that'll probably confuse you as well, won't it?! That'll be too confusing! You'd see the cross and go "Oh, fuck! X marks the spot! Better tell this little person all about the Prime Minister's fucking CATASTROPHIC ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION!" Oh, but not to worry, not to worry, you've sent fucking Ollie over there to deal with it. ''(Nicola tries to speak)'' FUCKING OLLIE! HE'S A FUCKING- HE'S A FUCKING KNITTED SCARF, THAT TWAT, HE'S A FUCKING BALACLAVA! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nicola:''' It just seems to me that all we'd be losing if we got rid of Robyn is somebody who makes a weak cup of tea, you know, I don't think we've – ''(mobile rings)'' Shit, Malcolm. ''(answers)'' Hello? :'''Malcolm''' ''(in his office)'': Get over here, now. Might be advisable to wear brown trousers, and a shirt the colour of blood. ''(hangs up)'' :'''Nicola:''' Fuck. :'''Glenn:''' Has he run off? He does that. :'''Nicola:''' Yeah, it's all just gone really [[wikipedia:HBO|HBO]].<hr width="50%" /> :''(Nicola and Terri sit down in Malcolm's office.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' I just wanted to say to you, by way of introductory remarks, that I'm ''extremely'' miffed about today's events and, in my quest to try and make you understand the level of my, um, unhappiness, I'm likely to use an awful lot of what we would call ''violent sexual imagery'', and I just wanted to check that neither of you would be terribly offended by that. :'''Nicola:''' I could actually do without the theatrics, I think, Malcolm – :'''Malcolm:''' Enough. E-fucking-nough. You need to learn to shut your fucking cave, right? Today, you have laid your first big fat egg of solid fuck. You took the data loss media strategy, and you ate it with a lump of ''[[w:Escherichia coli|E. coli]]''. And then you sprayed it our of your arse at 300 miles per hour. :'''Nicola:''' I simply made a mistake, Malcolm – :'''Malcolm:''' You got [[wikipedia:Source_(journalism)#"Speaking_terms"|'on the record' and 'off the record']] fucking mixed up! What would have happened if, like, [[wikipedia:George_Martin|George Martin]] had done that? We'd have no fucking Beatles, that's what. Now, I don't give a fuck about that: I've had to fucking sit next to [[wikipedia:Paul McCartney|Paul McCartney]] at fucking [[wikipedia:Chequers|Chequers]]! :'''Nicola:''' The data loss wasn't my fault. :'''Malcolm:''' Fine, yeah, but I tell you what, it came out fucking pretty fast once you were in there, didn't it? Which makes me wonder, should I just go and talk to the boss? Should I go and tell him, "I don't think she's up to the job"? :'''Nicola:''' You said yourself that if he sacks me after a week it looks like ''he's'' fucked up. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, but that was before, when your only problem was a fucking shit pun in a newspaper, and a face like[[w: Dot Cotton | Dot Cotton]] licking piss off a nettle! :'''Nicola:''' ''Okay'', I messed up, right? I messed up! But I will from now on listen to every bit of advice you give me. Yeah, I'll go on ''Question Time'' wearing a push-up bra and a fez. Yeah, I'll do the hustings on stilts if that is what you tell me the strategy is. Because you know about that stuff, Malcolm. I know that. It's just that I've got things I want to do, all right? :'''Malcolm:''' Of course you do, like Montessori fucking rocking horses, I suppose. :'''Nicola:''' No, no. :'''Malcolm:''' ''The Mail'' have the motherlode on this, right? So that means that there is a way through this for us, but it entails you, my dear, eating a complete concrete mixer full of humble pie. :''(Terri speaks for the first time in the meeting)'' :'''Terri:''' ''(with pen and diary ready)'' Right, what's the strategy? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(dramatic growl)'' The [[wikipedia:Kraken|Kraken]] awakes! :'''Terri:''' No no no, it's just that, I mean, this is the first bit of the meeting that hasn't been about expletives and fezzes and stilts and [[wikipedia:Teabagging|teabagging]], I mean, this is the bit that relates to media management. :'''Malcolm:''' I didn't say anything about teabagging. Do you even know what teabagging is? :'''Terri:''' Not really, no; er, I'm told it's unpleasant.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Nicola:''' I don't know where 'smug' comes from, I mean, I've aged ten years in the past week: I looked at myself in the mirror this morning and I thought, 'Fuck me, it's a [[wikipedia:Pantomime_dame|pantomime dame]]'. So an informal off-the-record lunch meet at ''The Guardian'': apparently it's a sort of shoot-the-breeze, you know, 'Have you seen the latest [[Mad Men|''Mad Men'']]? Isn't [[wikipedia:Andrew_Neil|Andrew Neil]] a jerk?' sort of thing. :'''Malcolm:''' ''The Guardian''? Don't tell them any fucking anecdotes about your children, or they'll offer you a fucking column.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Nicola:''' Right, when I came into this department I thought, 'OK. Let's turn a fresh page.' So I turned a fresh page, and you collectively have drawn a ''gigantic fucking cock'' on it!<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Glenn''' ''(to Robyn)'': Part of the strategy is to warn us when Malcolm is coming back, so it's your job to block the path. You're [[wikipedia:The_300_Spartans|the Spartans]] at [[wikipedia:Battle_of_Thermopylae|Thermopylae]]. You're [[wikipedia:Richard_Egan_(actor)|Richard Egan]] with an oily chest. :''(later, in Nicola's office)'' :'''Ollie:''' One possible strategy might be not to tell anybody. :'''Glenn:''' What, we keep it a secret? :'''Robyn''' ''(running in)'': Sorry, sorry. Malcolm's coming. Sorry. :'''Glenn:''' What? You were meant to be delaying him, you're supposed to be the Spartans! :'''Robyn:''' Well I couldn't really remember what the Spartans did, I'm not as old as you, Glenn!<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Marianne Swift:''' Data, exactly, I heard what you said about your data loss. :'''Malcolm:''' Did you say that? :'''Nicola:''' No, er, well I don't remem– I don't recognise those words, and I don't recognise you! :'''Marianne Swift:''' What? :'''Malcolm:''' So you see, the Minister may just have misspoke. But what she said was just words, right, not real statements. You know, that's like – you know, if there was a blast of wind over a harp, and it hit the strings, this wind, and it made the harp accidentally say, 'I'm a cat fucker', would that mean that that harp was actually a cat fucker, in real life, in reality? In the world we live in? :'''Nicola:''' Yeah, that's a really good question, yeah. == Series 3, Episode 3 == :''(Today is the day of the big Party Conference.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(on his cell phone)'' We need to persuade Matt Delaney not to [[wikipedia:Crossing_the_floor#Changing_parties|cross the floor]]. I think we should use the [[wikipedia:Carrot_and_stick|carrot-and-stick]] approach, yeah. You take a carrot, you stick it up his fucking arse, followed by the stick, followed by an even bigger, rougher carrot. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Nicola and Ollie arrive at Glenn's hotel room, where Glenn has already arrived and waiting for them.)'' :'''Glenn:''' Ah, you got past mad conference security, then? :'''Nicola:''' It's bonkers, isn't it? It's like trying to get through Israeli customs wearing a T-shirt saying, "I heart bombing Israel." :'''Glenn:''' I know. I mean, I had to wait for an hour and they practically gave me a cavity search. :'''Ollie:''' Aw, only practically? The sense of disappointment in your voice is almost palpable. :''(Nicola notices the size of Glenn's room.)'' :'''Nicola:''' Oh, your bed's bigger than mine. In fact, your whole room's bigger than mine. :'''Glenn:''' ''(feeling awkward)'' Well, um...Do you want it? :'''Ollie:''' "Mr. Lova Lova," full marks for foreplay there, Glenn, straight in. :'''Nicola:''' ''(reassuring Glenn)'' Do I want your room? No, honestly. I just thought they'd all be the same, sort of vanilla and monotonous. :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Did you ask them for your special tiny kettle? :'''Nicola:''' ''(chuckling)'' It's an electric thimble. :'''Ollie:''' Maybe the room only looks bigger because Glenn's kettle is so tiny! :''(The three of them now shift their discussion to more serious and important business.)'' :'''Nicola:''' ''(to Glenn)'' So, has our People's Champion arrived? Have you spoken to her? Is she alright? :'''Glenn:''' Oh no no no no, she should be over it by now. Her husband died, what, 4 months ago? So, I mean, she's beyond the crying phase. :'''Ollie:''' She's clearly not that over it, Glenn. She's leading a public campaign to change building regulations. :'''Nicola:''' Yeah, well, you know, 7 people died when that café collapsed. She's entitled to her 15 minutes. How do you think I should, um... mention the tragedy when I talk to her? :'''Ollie:''' Just, um, "Sorry for your loss, thoughts with you at this very difficult time," yada yada yada, all of, you know... Not-Without the "yada yada yada" bit, obviously. :'''Nicola:''' Am I gonna need some jokes for my speech? :'''Glenn:''' Oh, do you think that's a good idea? :'''Nicola:''' Not collapsing café jokes. :'''Glenn:''' No. :'''Ollie:''' That's a shame, I had a bunch of those. Thought you could call them, uh, the Little Chef Seven. You know, Special of the Day: Crumble! :'''Nicola:''' See, that's not funny. <hr width="50%"/> :''(John Duggan, a press officer at the conference, arrives at Nicola's room to introduce himself to Nicola and her team.)'' :'''John Duggan:''' Howdy Doody, Minister. I'm John Duggan, your press officer at the conference. :'''Nicola:''' Oh, hello. Nicola Murray, hi. :'''John:''' How was your holiday? :'''Nicola:''' Ah, well, you know, we wanted to go to Florida but Malcolm 'suggested' we went to [[wikipedia:Suffolk|Suffolk]], and so the kids were miserable, weather was miserable, and Malcolm rang and shouted at me for looking miserable. :'''John:''' I saw the photo of you, in the wellies next to the horse. 'Why the long face?' It was funny. ''(Nicola looks up, unimpressed)'' Or not, depending on your perspective. Still, things are looking up: you're in [[wikipedia:Eastbourne|Eastbourne]] now, which really is the jewel in the crown of our shit seaside resorts. [[wikipedia:Clacton-on-Sea|Clacton]] of the South West, they call it.<hr width="50%"/> :''(Nicola is trying to get John to push through the press a story about Peter Mannion taking a second holiday, which would put Peter in a negative light.)'' :'''Nicola:''' John, are you across this thing about, um, Peter Mannion lining up a second holiday? :'''John:''' Um, Mannion, right, yeah. :'''Nicola:''' Peter Mannion, my opposite number, you know? :'''John:''' Yes. :'''Nicola:''' Okay, good. So you're going to push that for the press for me, yeah? 'Cause I just want to remind people that while he's criticizing us over the recession, he's, you know, swanning around on his friend's massive yacht. :'''John:''' Oh, okay. "He's gay." :'''Glenn:''' Oh, for fuck... :'''Ollie:''' No, not gay. :'''Nicola:''' It's a hypocrisy thing. :'''John:''' (stammering) Yeah, well, I mean, in-in-in in principle, yeah. But it-it it is conference, so my to-do list is longer than a big willy. :'''Nicola:''' John, without wishing to sound blunt...Um, actually, you know what? Fuck it, let's sound blunt. ''(bluntly)'' It is your job. :'''John:''' I'll do what I can. That is a Duggan promise. :''(John leaves the room.)'' :'''Nicola:''' He's not gonna do it, is he? :'''Glenn:''' Absolutely fucking useless. :'''Nicola:''' He's completely not gonna do it. <hr width="50%"/> :''(John returns just as the group is discussing Julie Price, Nicola's "People's Champion.")'' :'''Ollie:''' ''(to John)'' Glenn says that she's changed her Facebook status to 'single and up for it', ''(John starts laughing)'' which I believe is actually why Glenn brought her here in the first place. :'''Glenn:''' Listen, John: There's an outside chance that she may just prefer to meet a human being, so I'm gonna come down with you. :'''Ollie:''' Good idea, you can buy her a coffee, can't you – you could maybe buy her a Collapsuccino. :'''John:''' ''(laughing)'' Might bring back memories of her latte husband. As in late husband. We're like [[wikipedia:Dick_and_Dom|Dick and Dom]], aren't we? Great chemistry. :'''Glenn:''' Yeah. Except neither one of [[wikipedia:Dick_(slang)|you]] are Doms. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Nicola is in the bathroom -- on her cell phone, though. She's having a chat with Terri, who's driving her car while talking to Nicola.)'' :'''Nicola:''' Terri, hi, it's me. :'''Terri:''' ''(on the phone, happily)'' Hi, Nicola! :'''Nicola:''' Have you read up about this Peter Mannion second holiday thing on the Dig Deep blog? :'''Terri:''' No, no, I haven't actually seen that. Where's he off to? :'''Nicola:''' Amalfi. So could you make a few phone calls? See if you can get it some press traction? :'''Terri:''' I'm sorry, I just can't do that. That's a party political matter. You're gonna have to get John Duggan onto that, 'cause it's his responsibility. :'''Nicola:''' Trouble is, Terri, that the only thing John Duggan is doing here is depriving a village somewhere of a twat. :'''Terri:''' Ah, yes, I've heard he's about as useless as a chocolate teapot. Although I probably shouldn't say that, sounds a bit racist, doesn't it? :'''Nicola:''' Where are you, Terri? :'''Nicola:''' I'm ju-just on the way down to Hastings to see my sister. Poor thing, having some trouble shifting a piano. So what I'm doing is I'm working from home today. :'''Nicola:''' No, you're not working and you're not at home, so as my 16-year old would say, "You are totally busted." :''(And make no mistake -- Terri is totally busted! She exhales, knowing Nicola has caught her in a lie.)'' <hr width="50%"/> :''(In this scene, Nicola and Ollie are working on her upcoming speech.)'' :'''Nicola:''' OK, right, what have we got on the workplace gym reward scheme? :'''Ollie:''' Er, fighting obesity is one of the biggest challenges we face, sleepwalking into a crisis, ticking time bomb – :'''Nicola:''' You write almost entirely in generic meaningless buzzwords, don't you? :'''Ollie:''' I could take it more street, if you prefer – 'You is all proper bloaters and it is well gay, biatch' – but, you know, this is the language – :'''Nicola:''' No, but, you know – I just don't want to come across all [[wikipedia:Nanny_state|nanny-state]] and sort of – 'Death by Chocolate is not a funny name for a pudding, it's a real and genuine concern', you know, I don't want to give the press another opportunity to see me as Mrs. Sour Power Vinegar Tits sucking on a lemon. :'''Ollie:''' Fine, I understand, so we'll sugar-coat it. :'''Nicola:''' Well, leaven it, ideally, with a couple of jokes. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, all right, no problemo. :''(Nicola then gives Ollie a "Well?" look.)'' :'''Ollie:''' Now-Now? Jokes now? :'''Nicola:''' Yeah! :'''Ollie:''' OK, how about: 'We want people to be fit, not fit to burst'? :'''Nicola:''' I'm gonna have to go down the slapstick route, aren't I? Do the speech straight, but dressed as Freddie Starr's Hitler. <hr width="50%"/> :''(In this scene, Ollie has introduced Malcolm to Julie Price, the "People's Champion" that Nicola is announcing in her speech. Malcolm is genuinely warm and empathetic towards Julie.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Julie Price...I'm so sorry for your loss. Hey, you're being looked after well enough, yeah? :'''Julie Price:''' Yeah, not bad. :'''Malcolm:''' You stick with Ollie. He's...yeah, he's a good guy. I know he looks a bit like an anorexic [[wikipedia:Leo Sayer|Leo Sayer]] there. Listen, could I have a photograph taken with you? :'''Julie:''' Who, me? :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. I've got a little correction of memories, you know. [[Nelson Mandela|Mandela]] and stuff. ''(to Ollie)'' Ollie, would you be so kind as to do the honor, good sir? :''(Ollie takes a picture of Malcolm and Julie together.)'' :'''Julie:''' ''(to Malcolm, happily)'' You're a stunner, ye. :'''Malcolm:''' No, no, you're a stunner. You really are. Very impressive. You know, I'm not the only one who finds you impressive. The PM...he finds you very impressive. :'''Julie:''' That's good. :'''Ollie:''' Well, great. :'''Malcolm:''' I think that there is a point in his speech today... :'''Julie:''' Mmm? :'''Malcolm:''' ...where he would be very honored to introduce you. Is that something that would interest you? :'''Julie:''' Yeah. :'''Ollie:''' Yes, it might clash, though, with, uh, with Nicola's championing of Julie's cause. :'''Julie:''' Oh, God. Look, the nerves are getting to us. I need to use your bog. :''(Poor Julie has to go to the bathroom...)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, that's the ladies there. :''(Ollie doesn't like what Malcolm's doing.)'' :'''Ollie:''' Malcolm, you can't...You can't do that. She's our bonus track. She's our DVD Easter egg. We need her for the speech. :'''Malcolm:''' Boo-fucking-hoo. Can do and have done. :'''Ollie:''' Yes, but that...What, in two hours, two hours, think of a whole new speech? :'''Malcolm:''' Oh, welcome to the Men's Room! Jesus Christ, listen. It's this simple, right? If she goes on with Nicola, she'll be watched by 15 housebound mouth-breathers. Oh, and by the ever-swelling ranks of the unemployed, who fucking hate us, by the way. But if she goes on with Tom, she'll make the 10 o'clock news, right? :''(Julie has finally returned, AND...)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Julie, hi. Feel better? :'''Julie:''' Yeah, good. :'''Malcolm:''' Yes. Now what's it gonna be, Julie darling? Do you want to go with the teas maid...or with the caravan? :'''Julie:''' ''(excited)'' I'm going with the caravan. That is the Prime Minister? :'''Malcolm:''' That is the Prime Minister, yes. :'''Julie:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Sorry, Ollie. It's nice to meet you. :'''Malcolm:''' Julie, this way, come on. Are you actually in the hotel, or are you staying... :''(As Malcolm and Julie leave together, Ollie runs back to Glenn's room to alert Glenn and Nicola of the bad news.)'' <hr width="50%"/> :''(Nicola and Glenn are in her room trying to write her speech...)'' :'''Glenn:''' "So, joking aside..." Of course, we haven't fucking got those yet. :'''Nicola:''' I know. :'''Glenn:''' Whatever they are, right... :''(When all of a sudden, Ollie re-enters the room.)'' :'''Ollie:''' ''(anxious as hell)'' Right, right. :'''Glenn:''' "It's now my great pleasure -- " ''(to Ollie)'' We're just doing the... :'''Ollie:''' No no no, listen. Um -- listen! :'''Glenn:''' What? :'''Ollie:''' You know when something, well, something bad, but you know when something bad happens and you think it's not as bad as... :'''Nicola:''' What's happened? :'''Glenn:''' Where's Julie? :'''Ollie:''' Malcolm's commandeered Julie for the PM's speech. We bumped into each other and he... :'''Glenn:''' What do you mean he's ''commandeered'' her? You're supposed to be looking after her, for fuck's sake! :'''Nicola:''' No, no, no, no, no, he hasn't. No. :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' We can't even fucking trust you to babysit! :'''Ollie:''' ''Malcolm'' took her... :'''Glenn:''' Just say no! :'''Ollie:''' ''(getting defensive)'' You don't just say no! :'''Glenn:''' What part of "no" don't you understand? :'''Ollie:''' Babysitting isn't a fucking... :''(Nicola starts pounding and stomping on a pillow -- pretending that the pillow is Malcolm!)'' :'''Nicola:''' ''MALCOLM! FUCKING -- FUCK MALCOLM! FUCK MALCOLM! FUCK MALCOLM! FUCK MALCOLM! FUCK MALCOLM!'' :'''Ollie:''' Well, um, that was my, uh, initial reaction as well. :'''Glenn:''' Deep breath, Nicola. :'''Nicola:''' Yes, yes I know. Thank you, thank you, FUCK OFF! Thank you! :'''Glenn:''' Right, yes. What do you want us to do? :''(Nicola pushes Glenn and Ollie out of the way and runs to the bathroom.) :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Do you want your Rescue Remedy? :'''Nicola:''' No, fuck off! ''(Nicola takes a few deep breaths...)'' Get me some ketamine. I want to separate my mind from my body. :'''Glenn:''' Jesus Christ, poor Nicola. I'm going to go and talk to the bastard. :'''Ollie:''' Yes. :'''Glenn:''' Take some reasonable... :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn, sarcastically)'' Yeah, that's right, rip your shirt off! Go on, Braveheart! FREEDOM! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' Listen, just casually mention to Alan Dunn and, er, Lindsay Anorexi at the Mail, that the PM has brought Julie Price to the conference. :'''John:''' That's not strictly true, though, is it? :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well ''[[wikipedia:Strictly Come Dancing|Strictly Come Dancing]]'' isn't strictly dancing, is it? They also have a bit at the beginning where [[wikipedia:Bruce_Forsyth|an old man]] ''dribbles''. So what? :'''John:''' Well, I didn't really follow that. Um, my point is... :''(Malcolm sees Glenn coming his way...and Glenn's pretty darn mad now.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Oh, Glenn, right. Okay, mate, look, I can see that you're a tad peeved. :'''Glenn:''' I'm not having it. You've gone too far. :'''Malcolm:''' Hey, get a grip, Glenn. I didn't fucking come in your mouth. :''(John starts laughing)'' :'''Glenn:''' ''(to John, angrily)'' Are you in on this? :'''John:''' Oh, God, no, no, no. I'm just obeying orders, you know, like a Nazi guard. (John jokingly gives the Nazi salute.) Only in a non-gassy way. :''(to Julie)'' You're not Jewish, are you? :'''Julie:''' No. :'''John:''' ''(relieved)'' Oh, good. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to John)'' Can you just take her? :'''John:''' Oh, yeah, uh... ''(to Julie)'' Why don't you go in here? There's some important people and biscuits in there. Have a coffee. Didn't mean to bring back bad memories. :'''Julie:''' ''(confused)'' What are you on about? :'''John:''' Your husband dying in a café. :''(While John takes Julie into the room, Malcolm and Glenn continue their argument.)'' :'''Glenn:''' You can't just take her! That's people trafficking! :'''Malcolm:''' Am I being threatened by [[wikipedia:Harold Bishop|Harold fucking Bishop]]? :'''Glenn:''' No, Malcolm... :''(John comes back into the hallway to try and make peace...)'' :'''John:''' Okay, guys, can we just... :''(But then, Malcolm sees Ollie coming to join the shenanigans.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Oh, shit, wow, here's the beige fucking Power Ranger now. :'''Glenn:''' Yeah, and we're taking her back! :'''Malcolm:''' Do not make this a disciplinary issue. Do you hear me, soldier? :'''Glenn:''' I found her! I fucking found her! :'''Malcolm:''' She was on the fucking news! Get this guy out of here! :''(NOW, tempers are flaring!)'' :'''John:''' Can we get a bit more sane about this, please? :'''Malcolm:''' It is not a fucking discussion. :'''John:''' Right, nobody argue. :'''Glenn:''' I am going to go in there and I am going to take her! :'''Malcolm:''' You will fucking not! :'''Glenn:''' Fuck off! Fuck -- :''(And then -- Malcolm punches Glenn in the NOSE! Ollie catches Glenn's fall.)'' :'''Ollie:''' Jesus Christ! :'''John:''' Oh my God... :'''Malcolm:''' You've hurt yourself. :'''John:''' I've got so much on, as it is. :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' You hit me! :'''Malcolm:''' I did not hit you! I went to hit the fucking wall and pulled my fist back and hit you in the fucking face instead! :'''Glenn:''' I think you've broken my nose! :'''Malcolm:''' No no no, that's just a scratch, mate! :'''John:''' Noses can't break, anyway. That's a myth. :'''Glenn:''' ''(to John)'' What the fuck are you talking about? :'''Malcolm:''' Look, look, just lean forward. You know, you want the blood to flow out of your nose, not down your throat like a fucking gurgling drain. :'''Glenn:''' Don't touch me! :'''Ollie:''' ''(feeling sorry for Glenn)'' Look at him. :'''Glenn:''' Have you got a hanky? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' You go look after Julie, right? ''(to John)'' John, let's get Glenn back to his room. :'''John:''' Okay, yeah. :''(Malcolm's now looking around for possible witnesses)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to John)'' Nobody saw that, did they? :'''John:''' No, it's like when a fight starts, you're just like, "Fight, fight, fight!" :''(Ollie and Julie are coming near)'' :'''Julie:''' All right? All right? :'''Ollie:''' If we can just get... :''(Julie notices that Glenn's holding his nose.)'' :'''Julie:''' Is he okay? :''(The guys are pretending Glenn's OK.)'' :'''Ollie:''' He's fine, he's fine. :'''Malcolm:''' He's just got a nosebleed. :''(Ollie and Julie leave peacefully, BUT...)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to John)'' Say, you... :'''John:''' Yeah. :'''Malcolm:''' If you breathe a word of this, right? :'''John:''' Mmm-hmm. :'''Malcolm:''' Listen to me, Richard fucking Stilgoe, you fucking jazzy bastard! :'''John:''' I am listening. :'''Malcolm:''' Help me here! Let's get fucking Noses Supposes back to his fuck... :''(But Glenn is GONE!)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Where is he? :'''John:''' I don't know. :'''Malcolm:''' Jesus Christ! Come on! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nicola:''' I think you should leave. :'''Malcolm:''' Oh, do you? :'''Nicola:''' Yes! ''(beat)'' What, are you gonna hit me? :'''Malcolm:''' I don't fucking hit women. :'''Ollie:''' Except Glenn, obviously. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Just you fucking leave Glenn out of this Glenn's been through enough as it is. ''(to Glenn, who is in the bathroom)'' Listen mate, I'm really – I'm really sorry, right, I'm really sorry about what happened in the heat of the fucking moment, yeah? I'm under a lot of pressure right now, I'm trying to plug a lot of leaks out there; I had my [[wikipedia:Hans_Brinker,_or_The_Silver_Skates#Popular_culture:_the_legend_of_the_boy_and_the_dike|finger in the dyke]], but the dyke's very very squirty. :'''Ollie:''' Is it Fat Pat? I've heard that she's, er – :'''Malcolm:''' Shut up. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' Now that you've lost [[wikipedia:Geordie|Geordie]] Julie, the merry fucking widow, you've got a hole in your speech. Right, so have we got a contingency for that? :'''Nicola:''' Yeah, we'll figure it out, thank you. :'''Malcolm:''' Well look, why don't I help you? Let's roll some tits up the flagpole, and see if anyone gets wood! :'''Nicola:''' Oh Christ, it's like being trapped in a fucking boys' toilet. Right, all we've got is Mannion's second holiday, we need to take the piss out of that. :'''Ollie:''' OK, how about, er, "He's called Peter 'Two Holidays' Mannion"? :'''Malcolm:''' Glenn. :'''Glenn:''' Erm, 'He's, erm – works really hard – at planning his holidays'? :'''Malcolm:''' That's really fucking quality fucking explosive sarcasm you're lobbing at them, mate. Boom. :'''Glenn:''' I feel I'm in a therapy group being run by my own rapist. :'''Malcolm:''' Right, okay, well, how about... :''(Suddenly, everybody's cell phones are ringing...)'' :'''Glenn:''' Oh my God...it's got out. :'''Ollie:''' No, really? I thought it was room service cold-calling. :'''Malcolm:''' Who the fuck is leaking this out there? ''(to Ollie)'' Find out who's pissing this over the wall. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, w-well, the thing about the Internet, Malcolm, is it's quite big... :'''Malcolm:''' IT'S ON ROB HOLT'S BLOG! :'''Ollie:''' I don't know what he looks like. I don't... :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' You need to get your people's champion out of this hotel before some tabloid minge-flannel starts soft-soaping her. :'''Nicola:''' So we've got her back again now. Is that right? :'''Malcolm:''' Don't be so fucking touchy about this! I've a lot to fucking deal with here! :'''Nicola:''' ''(sarcastically)'' ''MY'' responsibility again ''NOW!'' Doesn't matter about the speech. That's fine, Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, it does fucking matter! :''(Nicola then slams the bathroom door.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Women, huh? Women slam the door, where did this idea come from, huh? ''(bangs on the bathroom door)'' [[w:The Flintstones|WILMAAA]]! Fuck off! :'''Nicola:''' ''(from inside the bathroom)'' I'm making a phone call. :'''Malcolm:''' Make a phone call! [[wikipedia:Who_Wants_to_Be_a_Millionaire?_(UK_game_show)#Lifelines|Phone a fucking friend]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Nicola makes her phone call to...Terri.)'' :'''Terri:''' ''(answering in a sing-song voice)'' Hello? :'''Nicola:''' Terri, it's-it's Nicola again. We're at DEFCON 1. Or-Or 5, or whichever the really bad one is. :'''Terri:''' ''(looking out her car window)'' You stupid pillock! Oh, boy racers. :'''Nicola:''' ''(getting desperate)'' Terri, can you harness that anger and bring it down to Eastbourne, please? I desperately need you to come down and help me. :'''Terri:''' ''(replying to Nicola)'' The problem is this party political problem, because I'm a civil servant and I cannot possibly be seen to have anything to do with a party conference. :'''Nicola:''' ''(begging)'' Terri, please, I'm standing in a factory that makes fans, right? And a-a man has walked in with a giant shit-spraying machine, and you happen to be bunking off work and not very far away, so I need you here! :'''Terri:''' ''(reluctantly giving in)'' Listen, I've got a cagoule in the back and I could come incognito with the hood up, if that's gonna help you out. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nicola:''' ''(looking at her speech)'' 'Government department – The gov–' Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck! How can I learn this when you're still writing it? I feel sick! :'''Ollie:''' No, it's exciting, it's good, it's really good. In fact, I would say: the fact that you're hearing it for the first time when you say it will possibly give it a freshness and a zing, you know – :'''Nicola:''' You think? :'''Ollie:''' Yes, you know, this is politics as it is, isn't it? It's ''[[The West Wing]]''! :'''Nicola:''' You're not [[wikipedia:Josh_Lyman|Josh]], Ollie, just write the fucking speech. :'''Ollie:''' It doesn't mat– :'''Nicola:''' Come on Nicola, pull yourself together. :'''Ollie:''' ''(to himself)'' I fucking am Josh. :'''Nicola:''' Nicola Murray can do this, come on! :'''Ollie:''' Wow, did you just refer to yourself in the second ''and'' third person? 'Cause they're both – :'''Nicola:''' Write the fucking speech! :'''Ollie:''' Right, OK, yes, I'm just slightly distracted by all the Nicola Murrays in the room! <hr width="50%"/> :'''John:''' Malcolm, you're really scaring me now. :'''Malcolm:''' I'm scaring you? I'm so sorry I'm fucking scaring you. I mustn't scare you, must I? I won't scare you, OK, I'll just explain to you what I'm gonna fucking do to you: I'm gonna take your bollocks, I'm gonna fucking rip them off, I'm gonna fucking paint eyeballs on them. And I'm gonna stitch them onto a fucking sock and use that as a mouthpiece. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm''' ''(to John)'' Oh, twat features! I mean that literally. <hr width="50%"/> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(on his phone)'' No, Dan Miller is not positioning himself for the leadership. Well, for a start, you can't have a prime minister called Dan. People called Dan work in fucking fitness centres and listen to West Coast jazz. <hr width="50%"/> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''John:''' Er, no, I've gotta wait for Glenn to bring Julie what's-her-face back from the toilet so I can give her the tour. :'''Ollie:''' Where are they? :'''John:''' Glenn has taken her to Nicola's toilet. It's like being back at college, isn't it, you know, [[wikipedia:Student_orientation|Freshers' Week]], it's just as busy, isn't it, you know – :'''Nicola:''' Stop talking. :'''John:''' Right, OK. :'''Ollie:''' Oh dear, that's bad, Glenn and a woman in a toilet. 'Hello Julie. Would you like to see the Minister's room? ''(John starts laughing)'' It's very cosy, isn't it, just right for a little kissy-kissy? Maybe some tickle-me tickle-me? ''(mimes undoing his flies)'' Have you met my little friend, old blind Bob?' ''(turns round to find that Glenn and Julie Price have returned)'' Just an impression of my friend, old blind Bob. :'''John:''' Liar. :'''Ollie:''' Listen, right, I'm not being really horrible, but are you actually autistic? :'''John:''' No; but you'd be surprised how many people ask me that. <hr width="50%"/> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Malcolm:''' And I need you, big man. :'''Glenn:''' Why? :'''Malcolm:''' Because I'm gonna invite some hacks up here. I'm gonna give them some drinks, and I'm gonna show them what good mates we are, huh? :'''Glenn:''' Do we have to? :'''Malcolm:''' Yes, we do have to do it! And I want you to be telling some really fucking amusing anecdotes about our long weekend in Prague. :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' He's gonna hit me again, isn't he? I don't mind being hit, it's just the making up afterwards that scares me shitless.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Nicola:''' Terri, I really need you to come down here and help me. All I've got here, right, is a psycho man, a bleeding man and a sarky teenager. It's like some fucking logic problem: 'How do I get the chickens across the river? How do I get the ''fucking chickens'' across the river?' <hr width="50%"/> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''John:''' See, this is the problem with the modern age, the blogosphere, and it is a fear, it's everywhere, we call it the i-Zilla. No one can tame the [[wikipedia:Beast_of_Bodmin_Moor|Beast of Blogmin]]. :'''Malcolm:''' What the fuck are you talking about? Make a deal with these bloggers. Threaten them! It's your fucking job, isn't it? :'''John:''' Malcolm, that is not how the internet works; it's a world-wide, you know, web, that's where that comes from. :'''Malcolm:''' Look: I need you to find the [[wikipedia:Itsy_Bitsy_Spider|incy-wincy fucking spider]], take your rolled-up wank mag and fucking ''squash'' the fucker, right, can you do that? :'''John:''' Malcolm, I've got a lot on. ''(Malcolm glares at him)'' Not a problem. That's a Duggan promise.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Ollie''' ''(looking out of the window onto the car park)'': You've got to see this, come here. Glenn is putting on his retrosexual moves. :'''Nicola:''' No! :'''Ollie:''' Yeah. :'''Nicola''' ''(looking out of the window)'': Who is she? :'''Ollie:''' I dunno, but she's smashed, if she is a she. I think I can see her madam's apple there. :'''Nicola:''' Maybe they're just talking. :'''Nicola and Ollie''' ''(seeing them kiss)'': Oh! :'''Ollie:''' That's horrific. This is like the worst porn film ever. This is like the porn film where the woman rings for a special adviser to give her an overview of the last five years of social policy and they end up fucking. :''(both laugh)'' :'''Nicola: [[w:The Bourne Ultimatum|The Porn Ultimatum]].''' == Series 3, Episode 4 == :'''Ollie:''' What's happened to Terri? She looks like a female impersonator! :'''Glenn:''' Yeah I know, I thought you only got made over like that at a gay undertaker's.<hr width="50%" />'''Ollie:''' ''(re: Nicola's daughter, Ella)'' She's kicking off at school. Basically, ever since Malcolm made Nicola put her in the fucking comp, she's headed for what Mr. [[w:Neil Diamond|Neil Diamond]] I believe would have called 'a [[w:Sweet Caroline|Sweet]] [[w:Columbine High School massacre|Columbine]] incident'.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Emma:''' Hey, do you know what, I wonder if we'll get to sneak up on Ollie and catch him not working. :'''Phil:''' Better still, I'd like to see him getting bollocked by Malcolm. ''(impersonates Malcolm)'' 'I'm gonna rip out ya bladder and wear it as a bandana!' :'''Emma:''' OK, erm – :'''Phil:''' I need to know what Glenn Cullen looks like. :'''Emma:''' Oh, Glenn Cullen, er, fifties, kind of depressed looking; I always think of, like, a bloodhound. :'''Phil:''' OK, I'll get a picture of Mick Hucknall. :'''Peter''' ''(arriving)'': Morning, comrades! How goes the revolution? :'''Phil and Emma:''' Morning. :'''Peter:''' Our tanks on their lawn at last, fuck-a-doodle-doo! :'''Phil:''' Talking of which, may I present the DoSAC Implementation Matrix! :'''Emma:''' Don't ask. :'''Peter:''' Look, this is a very straightforward set of meetings with the senior civil servants. You know, 'Where's the stop-cock? Where can I get a decent cup of coffee? Here's our legislative agenda for the next three years'. :'''Phil:''' Yeah I know, but Stewart's very keen for us to use a visit to DoSAC as a scouting exercise? :'''Peter:''' Well I'm very keen to use Stewart's mouth as an ashtray, but it doesn't mean I'd do it. <hr width="50%" /> :'''Malcolm:''' ''(explaining the Opposition Drill)'' When the Opposition are here, you tell them nothing except where the toilets are, but you lie about that. And Terri, keep your tits in.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Emma:''' ''(receiving an alert on her phone)'' That's Stewart. I'm just gonna have to show him up. :'''Peter:''' Great, Mr. Blue Sky; we're not gonna practise fist bumps again, are we? :'''Emma:''' Phil, if you mention anything out of turn while I'm gone, I will send your mum that picture of you dressed up as Cher, OK? ''(taps her phone)'' One button... ''(leaves)'' :'''Peter:''' Cher? :'''Phil:''' Celine Dion, karaoke night. It's totally harmless. ''(checks that Emma has gone)'' OK, Ollie told Emma that there's a shitstorm brewing about the minister's daughter. :'''Peter:''' She was only the minister's daughter, but she knew how to take the collection. :'''Phil:''' She's 12. :'''Peter:''' Oh, shit, strike that last remark, it's actually a little poem that... gets much worse.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Stewart:''' Ah Peter, glad we could hook up. Just wanted to take a couple of turns with you on the ideas carousel, yeah? Think of ways we could turn your team into a little cluster of excellence. :'''Peter:''' Oh, you mean you wanted to have a chat.<hr width="50%" />'''Peter:''' I hate to be a spoilsport, but can we briefly refocus on our visit to DoSAC? :'''Stewart''': Yeah, who are you meeting? :'''Phil:''' Got a couple of meetings with two top people, you know, the big swinging dicks. :'''Stewart:''' Yeah, OK, well don't forget the tiny static dicks. :'''Phil:''' Yeah, we're not allowed to talk to her boyfriend, though. :'''Emma:''' Very funny. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ollie:''' Oi! Oi! [[w:James May|James fucking May]]! It was ''you'' sprayed the private information about the school, wasn't it?! Like [[w:Jenson Button|Jenson Button]] shaking up a magnum of piss! :'''Phil:''' Oh, just listen to yourself! Okay, at first it was private information between you and your boss, then it was private information between you and your girlfriend, ''then'' it was private information between your girlfriend and her colleagues! :'''Ollie:''' Yeah? :'''Phil:''' I mean, I can draw you a diagram if you like! it's like a fucking swine flu pandemic! :'''Ollie:''' I've clearly made an error, which I have to take up with Emma... :'''Phil:''' Exactly! :'''Ollie:''' ... but you shouldn't be fucking using it for political – :'''Phil:''' This is ''your'' fault! It's not my fault! You're like the man who fucked the monkey that gave us AIDS, that's who you are! :'''Ollie:''' ''(incredulous)'' I'm like the man who did what? Who "fucked the monkey ''(laughs)'' that gave us AIDS"? :'''Phil:''' That's right: you keep saying "it wasn't me, it wasn't me" and there's monkey shit on your balls, not mine! :'''Malcolm:''' ''(walking in)'' I love it, I love it - it's the pre-match sparring for the big Super Gayweight Title Fight, eh? ''(makes boxing motions)'' Okay, Oliver, wipe away the pre-cum. You've got some work to get on with. :'''Ollie:''' ''(quietly)'' Yeah, Malcolm, um...? :'''Malcolm:''' What? :'''Ollie:''' The Nicola thing, I think, is getting a bit worse. It looks like her daughter's about to be excluded for bullying. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, I know, Glenn told me that. :'''Ollie:''' What? When did –? :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. The thing is, all we've got to do is, if we try and keep this info very, very closely contained, we'll be all right, yeah? :'''Ollie:''' Okay. :'''Malcolm:''' Okay? :'''Ollie''': Okay. :'''Malcolm:''' On you go. ''(walks up to Phil)'' Okay, Shitehead Revisited. Did you know that Nicola Murray's daughter is about to be expelled from school for fucking ''bullying?'' :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' What are you doing? :'''Phil:''' No, what... :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Don't worry. ''(to Phil)'' Did you not know that? :'''Phil:''' No, why would I... No... :'''Malcolm:''' Of course you wouldn't know that, 'cause the only people who know that right now are Mrs. Murray, her daughter, Ollie and me, yeah? If this gets into the press, I would ''know'' that it came from you. :'''Phil:''' Clever. ''(chuckles, trying to hide his nervousness)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(also chuckles, rather deviously)'' And I would rain down on you so hard, you would have to be reassembled by fucking air crash investigators. ''(Phil tries to protest)'' ''Do not fucking'' interrupt me, son, ever! Now get this into the noggin, right? You breathe a ''word'' of this, to ''anyone'', you mincing fucking '''''CUNT''''', and I will tear your fucking skin off, I will wear it to your mother's birthday party, and I will rub your nuts up and down her leg whilst whistling [[w:Bohemian Rhapsody|Bohemian fucking Rhapsody]], right?! :'''Phil:''' ''(nods in shock)'' Yeah. :'''Malcolm:''' Now...get out of my fucking sight! :'''Phil:''' Yeah. ''(wanders off, visibly terrified)'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Peter:''' ''(Discussing Malcolm)'' His bark's worse than his bite. ''(Sees Malcolm approaching)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Peter! :'''Peter:''' And speaking of rabies injections, here he is! :'''Malcolm:''' I didn't know you were still alive. How's the 80's tribute band? Still doing the [[wikipedia:Robert_Palmer_(singer)|Robert Palmer]] lookalikey thing, huh? :'''Peter:''' Malcolm, you're looking well, for someone twice your age. Any news on the aneurysm? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Peter:''' ''(Answers his mobile phone)'' Ah, Stewart. What flavour of nut-brown piss are you going to pour in my ear? :'''Stewart:''' How's the info-pump firing? :'''Peter:''' You mean Terri Coverley? She's useless, she knows nothing. You two would get on. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Glenn:''' Nicola, just got a text from Malcolm. He says he knows Mannion was here. :'''Nicola:''' How does he know that? :'''Glenn:''' Text reads: 'I know about your fucking meeting with that ageing flamenco guitarist. You are NOT' (big letters) 'to go home.' There's been an escalation. He says he wants you at Number 10 'ASAFP'. :'''Nicola:''' 'F' meaning – :'''Glenn:''' Feasibly, I should imagine. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Nicola arrives at Malcolm's office)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Hi Nicola, thanks very much for coming over. Can I get you something? :'''Nicola:''' Actually, you haven't got any whisky, have you? :'''Malcolm:''' Whisky, yeah. Hasn't been touched for a while; still got [[wikipedia:Anthony_Eden|Anthony Eden]]'s lipstick on the bottle. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nicola:''' OK, so it's Mannion. What do we do? I mean, do we go after him with one of your, you know, things that you say, like a big bum-dildo of vengeance or something? :'''Malcolm:''' There you go, that's my girl, yeah! [[wikipedia:Indiana_Jones_(franchise)|Indiana]] Murray and the Bum-Dildo of Vengeance, I like it.<hr width="50%" />''(deleted scene)'' :''(arriving at the DoSAC building)'' :'''Phil:''' This is ''mint''. It's like the fall of Troy but with visitor's passes instead of a [[wikipedia:Trojan_Horse|wooden horse]]. :'''Peter''' ''(quoting [[Alfred, Lord Tennyson#Ulysses (1842)|Tennyson's]]'' [[Alfred, Lord Tennyson#Ulysses (1842)|Ulysses]]'')'': 'It may be that the gulfs will wash us down, / It may be we shall touch the Happy Isles / And see the great Achilles, whom we knew.' :'''Phil:''' I meant the film ''[[Troy (film)|Troy]]''? :'''Peter:''' Awesome.<hr width="50%" />''(deleted scene)'' :'''Emma:''' Do you fancy a cup of tea? :'''Stewart:''' Er, yes, you got anything herbal? :'''Emma:''' OK, yeah. ''(walking off, to herself)'' Something perfumed and essentially gay. ''(sees Phil)'' Oh, speak of the devil. Whoa, you look like you've shat yourself. :'''Phil:''' I had a close encounter with Malcolm Tucker. ''(Emma laughs)'' It's not funny, he's like some horrible character from an Ian Rankin novel. :'''Stewart:''' Where's Peter? :'''Emma:''' Yeah, where is Peter? :'''Phil:''' I don't know. It's a bit of a blur to be honest, I just kind of ran out of the building. I just kept walking, I ended up in [[wikipedia:Greenwich|Greenwich]]. :'''Emma:''' Greenwich? :'''Phil:''' I think I was following the river, I wanted to get to the sea.<hr width="50%" />''(deleted scene)'' :'''Peter:''' Do you channel all your passions into pie charts, Stewart? I don't even think you're excited about winning. I bet when you orgasm, you just put a little tick on a chart next to your bed. == Series 3, Episode 5 == :''(Terri smiles and waves at Peter.)'' :'''Peter:''' Why does the useless one keep staring at me? :'''Phil:''' Because she's a mentalist and she loves you. You ever crash your car in the mountains, she'll be the one waiting to drag you out. ''(both chuckle)'' You've seen ''[[wikipedia:Misery (film)|Misery]]''? :'''Peter:''' I'm in the fucking BBC, aren't I? <hr width="50%" /> :''(Nicola, Terri, Glenn, Phil and Peter are all waiting in the green room. Terri continues to smile and stare at Peter.)'' :'''Peter:''' ''(quietly)'': The stupid one keeps staring at me; could you block the view, or something? :'''Phil:''' OK. ''(sits on the table, between Terri and Peter)'' :'''Peter:''' OK. :'''Phil:''' ''(to Terri)'': Sorry. :'''Peter:''' Why isn't Emma here to help? :'''Phil:''' She's dumping Ollie tonight. Result! Probably crying his eyes out right now, like Kate Winslet losing on a scratch card. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Glenn:''' Well, that's a nice tan you haven't quite managed to get there, Peter. :'''Peter:''' Oh yes of course, that's very funny, because of the shitstorm you created about my second holiday. I had to cancel my second holiday. I see what you did there, you should be in stand-up. :'''Phil:''' [[wikipedia:Ben_Elton|Glenn Elton]]. 'Yes indeed, ladies and gentlemen!' :'''Peter:''' Sorry about the puffin. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm is in his office talking to someone on his cell phone)'' :'''Malcolm:''' No, I don't give a fuck whose birthday it is, I'm going to enjoy myself here listening to this Murray-Mannion ding-dong on the radio. The fat cat story's breaking, so the opposition are gonna be sweating like Vegas Elvis on a squash court. :''(Malcolm's personal assistant, Sam, comes into the office with a box)'' :'''Sam:''' Happy Birthday, Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' Stop saying that, right? Just you go home. What is this? Don't...Is this my new anal beads? :''(Malcolm looks at the box)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Okay, this has been X-rayed, yeah? I'm not gonna get fucking, a present bomb in the face? :''(Malcolm opens the box. It contains a cake which reads 'Happy Birthday C*nt')'' :'''Malcolm:''' This could be from anybody. ''(opens the accompanying card)'' Ah, it's from the Prime Minister. This is fucking Tom's idea of a joke, yeah? And he wonders why we don't let him out in public.<hr width="50%" /> :''(Nicola is discussing what she's going to say about her Fourth Sector Initiative on Richard Bacon's radio show with Terri and Glenn)'' :'''Nicola:''' Fourth sector, people power. Inspiring each other out of disadvantage. :'''Terri:''' And you need to put in the liking words as well, not just the headlines. :'''Nicola:''' I am going to talk in complete sentences. :'''Terri:''' I think you should rehearse with those headlines. :'''Nicola:''' Okay, how about "I believe in people power. Will you fuck off, Terri?" Is that okay? <hr width="50%"/> :''(Meanwhile, Peter is discussing what he's going to talk about on the show with Phil.)'' :'''Peter:''' "We call it the Common Sense Checklist, Richard. We need to cut red tape. We were talking about that at the Oval the other day, weren't we, Richard?" :'''Phil:''' ''(loving it)'' That's just the sound of wickets falling. :''(But then, Phil's cell phone rings.)'' :'''Phil:''' Stewart. :'''Peter:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Stewart? Oh, good. I wonder what Mr. Political Correctness Gone Boring wants... :'''Phil:''' ''(answering his cell phone)'' Hi, Stewart. :'''Stewart:''' Look, a little note for Peter, yeah? Tell him to dump the common sense checklist. Yeah, it's an ex-list. The new world order is this: Hit the city hard, yeah? It's "Reverse Gekko." Greed is bad, money is awful. "I Heart [[wikipedia:Tracy Chapman|Tracy Chapman]]," yeah? :''(Phil leans over to Peter to quietly tell him the bad news...)'' :'''Phil:''' ''(to Peter)'' He wants you to scrap the common sense checklist and hit the city hard over the bonuses, call them all money-grabbing wankers. :''(A BBC employee lets everyone know that Nicola and Peter are on, but Peter still has something to say to Phil.)'' :'''Peter:''' Phil. ''(Peter quietly pulls Phil aside.)'' Some of my best friends are money-grabbing wankers. And I've got to give a speech to a roomful of them tomorrow at the CBI lunch. I'm not gonna say, "Hello, chums, I've just taken a slash in the soup." So, no, the answer's no. :''(As Peter makes his way to the studio, Phil gets back on his cell phone to talk to Stewart.)'' :'''Phil:''' Stewart, um, Peter's not going to want to do that. :'''Stewart:''' No, I don't want him to want to do it, Phil. I just want him to do it. :'''Phil:''' ''(to Peter)'' Stewart says it's a JB diktat, you have to do it. :'''Peter:''' Tell him to stick a goose up his arse. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Peter Mannion and Nicola Murray are now in the studio with Richard Bacon. Phil, Terri and Glenn are in the control room.)'' :'''[[wikipedia:Richard_Bacon_(broadcaster)|Richard Bacon]]:''' Coming up shortly, we've got what could be a rather fiery showdown between two political heavyweights. After trading blows in the dailies, it's now time for them to meet face to face. So, it gives me great pleasure to introduce Nicola Murray... :'''Nicola:''' Hello. :''(Richard gives Nicola a polite 'please wait' hand gesture)'' :'''Richard:'''...Secretary of State for the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship. ''(Richard gives Nicola the 'OK.')'' :'''Nicola:''' Hello, again. I got it right that time. I managed to come in at the right time. :'''Richard:''' Hello, and from the shadow cabinet, the right honourable Peter Mannion MP. :'''Peter:''' Hi, Richard. Good to see you again. :'''Phil:''' ''(in the control room)'' THE MANNIONATOR! :'''Richard:''' ''(to Peter)'' Good to see you again as well. Uh, listen, guys, first of all... :'''Terri:''' ''(to Phil)'' How old are you? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Richard:''' Either of you got any piercings? Any tattoos? :'''Peter:''' Uh, I've got an appendix scar, does that count? :'''Richard:''' Classic! :'''Peter:''' Well, you know how it is. Out with a bunch of pals, got a bit tipsy, rolled into casualty, yeah. Hey, we all got it done. :'''Phil:''' Yeah! In your face, bitch! :'''Richard:''' That's very funny. Nicola Murray, any piercings? :'''Nicola:''' Um...Uh, no... :'''Terri:''' Yes, you do. :'''Nicola:''' No piercings at all, no. :'''Terri:''' You have got some piercings. :'''Richard:''' Okay, all right. :'''Nicola:''' Uh, sorry, no piercings at all, no. :''(All the while, Glenn is trying to remind Nicola about her pierced ears.)'' :'''Nicola:''' Um, some people say that my distinguishing feature would be probably my ears, which I'm told are quite small. :'''Richard:''' Right. :'''Nicola:''' But I do think we have to be a little bit careful about taking too light an approach to culturally sensitive issues, like body piercing or female circumcision...Uh, earrings! Earrings. I've got pierced ears. :'''Richard:''' Let's leave that there. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(listening to Nicola on the radio)'' Fuck me, this is like a clown running across a minefield! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Glenn and Terri are now out of the control room, having an impromptu talk.)'' :'''Glenn:''' I'm really worried about Nicola. She's behaving like a squirrel trapped in a pedal bin. What I'm asking you to do is have a word with, um, Blondie, that producer. And cut Nicola some slack because she needs all the sympathy she can get. :'''Terri:''' The problem is, though, Glenn, if you say to a journalist, 'Can you avoid that topic?', that's when they really go for it. I mean, it's like saying to the school bully, 'I'll wet myself if you tickle me'. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Throughout his show, Richard reads out listeners' texts about piercings.)'' :'''Richard:''' 'Dear Richard, I don't see the point of piercings. If you were a robot, you wouldn't stick bits of dangling flesh all over yourself, would you?' :'''Richard:''' 'Dear Richard, my friend's daughter got piercings all round her mouth. She looks like she works in a ball bearings factory, and there was an explosion and all the shrapnel got embedded in her face. I don't like it.' :'''Richard:''' 'Dear Richard, I love piercings. They are part of who I am, literally. Tina in Weymouth.' <hr width="50%"/> :''(Nicola is now talking about her Fourth Sector Initiative.)'' :'''Nicola:''' What we would be looking for is getting people to inspire each other out of poverty, out of disadvantage. :'''Richard:''' ''(somewhat cynically)'' How can you be ''inspired'' out of poverty? :'''Nicola:''' Well, I'm choosing to ignore your rather cynical tone... :'''Richard:''' I'm not being cynical, Nicola Murray. It's a perfectly legitimate question. How can you be inspired out of poverty? :'''Nicola:''' Okay, you are being cynical, but anyway, we'll park that. Um, one of our initiatives is to designate certain people as fourth sector pathfinders. Now they would be pillars of a normal community. :'''Richard:''' Are you talking about "have-a-go heroes," for example? :'''Nicola:''' No, we're talking about everyday heroes. :'''Richard:''' I assume you'd want to avoid Charles Bronson-style vigilantes? :'''Nicola:''' ''(chuckling)'' Oh, yes. Yes, we don't, we don't want [[wikipedia:Charles Bronson|Charles Bronson]]. More, more, Charles, uh...Dance. :'''Richard:''' Okay. :'''Peter:''' Or Chaplin, yeah? <hr width="50%"/> :''(Suddenly, Glenn's cell phone goes off in the control room.)'' :'''Janice:''' ''(the show's producer, to Glenn)'' Out! :'''Glenn:''' Alright! :'''Phil:''' Is that Nicola's doctor? Probably trying to book a circumcision. :''(Glenn goes out of the control room to answer his phone.)'' :'''Glenn:''' Malcolm? :'''Malcolm:''' Are you producing porno now for the visually impaired? :'''Glenn:''' Wh– What? :'''Malcolm:''' Because what I'm hearing here, on my radio, is Nicola Murray being roundly fucked. What is this, [[wikipedia:Bukkake|Bukkake]] [[wikipedia:Book_at_Bedtime|at Bedtime]]? Just, fu– put Ollie on. :'''Glenn:''' Ollie, erm – Well he's not here, he's at home. :'''Malcolm:''' Tell that fucking stick of celery to get his arse out of there, and get down to 5 Live right now. Tell him to inject some energy into Nicola's performance. At the moment, she's coming across like a Nazi float at the fucking [[wikipedia:Notting_Hill_Carnival|Notting Hill Carnival]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Peter:''' It seems to me what I call a "political meringue." Uh...sweet but, uh, lightweight and very little substance. :''(Meanwhile, in the control room...)'' :'''Phil:''' ''(clapping)'' He's like bloody [[wikipedia:Peter Ustinov|Ustinov]], isn't he? :'''Terri:''' Uh, it's just such an old joke. Can you just please get out? :'''Janice:''' ''(to both Phil AND Terri)'' Yeah. Okay, right. Can you just both fucking get out of the studio now? You and fucking Rupert Brooke, just out! :''(Meanwhile, Richard Bacon continues talking to Peter)'' :'''Richard:''' I know exactly what you mean. The other day, the BBC sent me on a Health & Safety away day, where they taught me how to carry a cup of coffee. :'''Peter:''' ''(laughing)'' This, this is exactly what I mean. That makes no sense. That's nonsense, and uh... and we need to say no to the nanny state, uh, "boo" to nanny, and claw back some personal responsibility in the name of common sense. :'''Richard:''' We need to...Hang on, we need to say boo to nanny? :'''Peter:''' Yeah, it's just a play on [[wikipedia:Jools Holland|Jools Holland]]'s Hootenanny. (stuttering) I-I, I didn't write it, it's not... :'''Richard:''' Right. :'''Peter:''' But, you know...Hey nanny no. :'''Richard:''' Right. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Glenn:''' Oh hello, nice dinner? :'''Emma:''' Fuck off, [[wikipedia:Bagpuss|Bagpuss]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Phil spots Emma in the green room. Terri is also in there.)'' :'''Phil:''' Hey, that was quick. Did you tell him? :'''Emma:''' Kind of. He's getting the message. :'''Phil:''' Look, I couldn't say while you were together, but I really don't know what you saw in him. :'''Emma:''' You told me all the time how much you hated him. That was one of the main reasons I went out with him so long. :'''Terri:''' ''(to Emma)'' Are you splitting up with Ollie? :'''Emma:''' Sorry, can you actually hear all right over there? I can pop into the studio and get some microphones so you can get all the details. :'''Terri:''' No, I can hear fine. Yes, no, I think that's a really good idea. I mean, for your sake. I'd back you up on that. :'''Emma:''' ''(pleased)'' What, I have your backing? Oh, fantastic. Thanks. :'''Phil:''' Hey, Emma, look, you're clearly overemotional right now. Why don't you go home, you know, drink some mojitos with your girlfriends and talk about shoes? I've got it covered here. :'''Emma:''' Yeah. Well, actually, Stewart called me in because he wanted me to SatNav Peter out of the dead end you've driven him into. So, perhaps you should piss off and read that ''[[wikipedia:Marie Claire|Marie Claire]]'' you nicked off me. <hr width="50%"/> :''(And then, Phil's cell phone rings again -- and once again, Stewart's on the other line.)'' :'''Phil:''' ''(answering his cell phone)'' Hi, Stewart. He's great, isn't he? :'''Stewart:''' "Boo to nanny?" Phil, no one watches Jools Holland, yeah? We need to be appealing to ''One Show'' man and ''Holby City'' woman. :'''Emma:''' What's he saying? :'''Phil:''' Just shut up, Emma. The men are talking? :'''Stewart:''' Is Emma there? :'''Phil:''' Yes, she is here. :'''Stewart:''' Thank God! Put her on, Phil. :''(Emma gets on the cell phone to talk to Stewart.)'' :'''Emma:''' Stewart, hi. :'''Stewart:''' This is the brief. Got a pen? :'''Emma:''' Yeah, hang on. ''(to Phil)'' Have you got a pen? :'''Phil:''' Yeah, you're not having it. :'''Terri:''' ''(to Emma)'' Do you need a pen? :'''Emma:''' Uh, I do, thanks. ''(to Stewart)'' Sorry, Stewart, hang on. :'''Stewart:''' Why don't you have one just sellotaped to your chin, Emma? Write this down! Write on his shirt! Just write it down! :''(Phil tries to take the pen from Emma, but Emma's not messing around.)'' :'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' I'm serious. :'''Stewart:''' ''(to Emma)'' Are you listening to Daddy? :'''Emma:''' Okay. :'''Stewart:''' I want you to pull some info, right? On city bonuses, tax evasion, non-doms. Let's name and shame some fat cats! I want to hear some fact-enforced noise! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Ollie arrives at the BBC Building.)'' :'''Ollie:''' Many thanks, Glenn. :'''Glenn:''' What? :'''Ollie:''' For getting me in on my special night off. Emma was furious when I said I was coming in here, she was moaning, she was screaming, and then I said I was coming in here. Do you see what I did? :'''Glenn:''' ''(smiling mockingly)'' I see. :'''Ollie:''' It was a joke about my sexual prowess. :''(But then, Ollie sees Emma.)'' :'''Ollie:''' What the fuck are you doing here? :'''Emma:''' Oh, I'm having an affair with Richard Bacon. I'm incredibly aroused by men with meat in their surname. :'''Ollie:''' You. You told me...I cooked a lovely meal... :'''Emma:''' Ordered. And it wasn't lovely. :'''Ollie:''' What the fuck's going on? :''(Emma's cell phone rings)'' :'''Emma:''' Sorry, I've got to take this. I'll talk to you later. :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' So! She DID come! She came into work! Do you see what I did there? :'''Ollie:''' Fuck off, Glenn. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Nicola is accusing Peter and his party of blocking initiatives that would allow bonuses to the so-called "fat cats.")'' :'''Nicola:'''...when you yourself where actually in cabinet. We have tried repeatedly to initiate legislation which will outlaw these bonuses. Now, your party has persistently blocked those attempts. :'''Richard:''' I think it's an interesting point. What do you say, Peter Mannion, to the accusation that these huge bonuses and the offense that they cause are the fault of your party? :'''Peter:''' I think that's a completely fatuous argument when Nicola's party has been in government for what seems like about a century, and bonuses under their watch have increased...What? Five fold? Oh, dear! Come on, Nicola. Pull your finger out. :'''Nicola:''' Okay, fine. So you personally would like to see more done to hit the fat cats? :'''Richard:''' ''(to Peter)'' Is that what you're saying? :'''Peter:''' ''(stammering)'' Well, yes-yes. I...I would. If the person receiving the bonus hasn't performed well... :'''Richard:''' Can I, can I simplify that? Let me simplify this. Would you outlaw bonuses? :'''Peter:''' ''(still stuttering)'' In the case of them being undeserved, yes... :'''Nicola:''' Which the bulk of them are, so basically you're saying the bulk of your friends in the city are disgusting. :'''Peter:''' ''(confused)'' No, no, no. Yes, yes, but only if the bonuses they receive are unfair. :'''Richard:''' I think, well, I think we've got -- It's alright. I think we've got your point. Uh, thank you. Let's move on. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Phil enters the green room)'' :'''Ollie:''' Right, if you speak to me, I will pour hot coffee on your balls. :'''Phil:''' Hey, guy, I don't want to fight. I want to clear the air, actually. We're like those two little old people in the [[wikipedia:Weather_house|weathercock]]: you come out, I'm in there, and we're swapping round. :'''Ollie:''' You're Mr. Sunshine, are you? :'''Phil:''' I'm Mr. Sunshine! :'''Ollie:''' You're a little wooden twat, in a little wooden house. :'''Phil:''' Come on, there's no need – we can be friends! I'm thinking two enemies, they come together when they realise it is no more. Aragorn and Boromir! Me: Aragorn, the true king. You: Boromir. [[wikipedia:Middle-earth_objects#Horn_of_Gondor|Your horn]] is broken, and will be blown no more. :'''Ollie:''' This inability to talk without using ''Lord of the Rings'' metaphors is one of the very ''many'' reasons that we could never be friends. :'''Phil:''' Okay. By the way, you'll be getting a bill. That's OK, though, I presume you're expecting that. :'''Ollie:''' ''(sighing)'' Okay, I'll bite. Why will I be getting a bill, Phil? :'''Phil:''' Ah, let me see, partial rent, electricity, gas, internet use, toilet paper...Kept a note every time you were round at the flat. :'''Ollie:''' You're moving out? Oh, that's a shame. I'll miss doing that secret and bad thing I did with your roll-on deodorant. :'''Phil:''' I'm not moving out. I'm just guessing that seeing how Emma's dumped you, you won't be coming round much any more. :'''Ollie:''' What? :'''Phil:''' Oh, let me just savor this moment. Thank you, God. She hasn't told you, has she? :'''Ollie:''' No, what? :'''Phil:''' She's dumped you. She did it tonight. :'''Ollie:''' No, no. She didn't do it tonight. :'''Phil:''' Let me get a little photo of this moment. Hey, new desktop picture here: Ollie being dumped! :''(Ollie doesn't appreciate being told of this bit of news by Phil.)'' :'''Ollie:''' Why would she tell you first, dickwad? :'''Phil:''' I've no idea, she told me to get out of the flat tonight so she could dump you. Anyway, in the words of [[wikipedia:Shakespears_Sister|Shakespears Sister]], ''(sings in falsetto)'' '[[wikipedia:You're_History|You're History]]'! ''(Ollie throws his coffee at Phil's groin)'' Ah, f– It's a dark suit and it's only lukewarm, I ''still'' win! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Richard is taking another call on his show)'' :'''Richard:''' James Henderson, what's your point? :'''Peter:''' Is that Jim Henderson from Clifton? :'''Richard:''' ''(surprised)'' You two know each other? :'''Peter:''' We've met. We know each other. :'''James:''' ''(talking to Peter on the phone line)'' We've met! Yes, we ''have'' met. I'm surprised to hear you turning on the city boys. Um, you never found the JFU donating huge wodges of cash to your party ''disgusting.'' :'''Peter:''' Well, that's a separate issue... :'''James:''' ''(continuing)'' Even though everyone knows they've got links with sweatshops. :'''Richard:''' Wow! :'''Peter:''' What? :'''Richard:''' Well, that's quite an extraordinary allegation, very serious. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(still in his office)'' YES! :'''Richard:''' ...links to sweatshops? :'''Peter:''' That should be looked into, but... :'''Malcolm:''' Oh, it's my birthday! :'''Peter:''' ...I don't know the facts. :'''James:''' I've just told you the facts! Are you calling me a liar? :'''Janice:''' I can't believe my ears, did we just break a story that wasn't 'the [[wikipedia:Ipswich_Town_F.C.|Ipswich]] manager just got sacked'?<hr width="50%" /> :'''Malcolm:''' ''(leaving his office)'' It's my birthday! ''(Offering someone a piece of cake)'' Cunt cake? Go ahead! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Stewart is on his cell phone, telling Emma he's coming down to the BBC Studios.)'' :'''Stewart:''' Right, Emma. Look, look, look, I'm just coming in. Okay? Yeah, look, I'll be 20 minutes, right? So see if you can get Peter to do something inoffensive for 20 minutes. Hard boil 4 eggs! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Meanwhile, in the green room...)'' :'''Emma:''' ''(in a bad mood)'' Great. :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Emma)'' You tell fucking Man at C&A that I'm dumped before I do, is that it? :'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' What's he talking about? :'''Phil:''' ''(to Emma)'' I thought he knew. :'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' Oh, you fucking twit! :'''Glenn:''' Do you mind keeping it down? Some of us are trying to listen. :'''Phil:''' I can fill you in: Peter's tearing through her like a Viking at a nunnery. :'''Glenn:''' If he's a Viking, he's [[wikipedia:Cnut_the_Great|King Cnut]]! :'''Phil:''' ''WHAT?'' :'''Glenn:''' Yes, he's drowning in the party donations. You should ''listen!'' :'''Phil:''' Bullshit! :''(Phil and Emma are listening on the radio. Ollie's trying to get Emma's attention.)'' :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Emma)'' You can't even fucking look at me! :'''Phil:''' We're trying to listen here now. :'''Ollie & Emma:''' Shut the fuck up, Phil! :''(And now, EVERYBODY'S arguing!)'' :'''Janice:''' ''(storming into the green room)'' OK, do you want to shut up? And if you lot don't keep this down, I'm gonna have you all ejected from the building. ''(points at Terri)'' You are the worst, my chair still smells of your perfume! :'''Terri:''' Excuse me! For the record, I have done nothing. :'''Glenn:''' Yes, that will be your epitaph, Terri. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Nicola and Glenn are celebrating just outside the green room)'' :'''Nicola:''' Great! Good! Yes! I'm cooking now. :'''Glenn:''' Cooking with gas! :'''Nicola:''' I'm fucking Delia Smith! I'm cracking eggs, I'm pouring in baking powder, I'm using fucking vanilla extract. It's great! :''(Peter is in the green room with Phil, trying to recover from his stumbles on 5 Live)'' :'''Peter:''' That was not good. That was the opposite of good. :'''Phil:''' Bad. :'''Peter:''' How do I counter? Have you heard of JFU? :'''Phil:''' I didn't actually hear that bit, so I don't know. :'''Peter:''' You couldn't hear? CHRIST! You're...''(Chuckling, looking at Nicola and Glenn outside)'' Sorry, it's just... :'''Peter:''' ''(to Phil)'' You're here to hear, Phil. Why do you think you're here? You're HERE to HEAR! You're not here for eye candy! :'''Phil:''' Look, it's not my fault. It was very noisy in here. Ollie and Emma were splitting up at the time, and I couldn't really focus... :'''Peter:''' ''Emma?'' ''Emma?'' Why is ''Emma'' here? :'''Phil:''' Stewart sent her down here. :'''Peter:''' ''(looking at Phil's trousers)'' ''Why have you got wet trousers?'' :'''Phil:''' Ollie threw coffee at me. :'''Peter:''' I'm sorry. I seemed to have wandered into some 1970s [[wikipedia:Ray Cooney|Ray Cooney]] farce. Is the vicar about to come around with [[wikipedia:Brian Rix|Brian Rix]] and [[wikipedia:Robin Askwith|Robin Askwith]]? :'''Janice:''' Right, back in. Headphones on ears, arses on chairs. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Meanwhile, Ollie and Emma are arguing in the hallway...and Terri's sitting just inches away from them.)'' :'''Emma:''' Ollie, we just, we don't make any time for each other any more. :'''Ollie:''' We're busy people. We work really, really hard. We work harder than Fat Pat's arteries. Of course we... :'''Terri:''' Did you used to make time for each other? I mean, I think that's the crucial question. :'''Emma:''' Sorry... :'''Ollie:''' Okay, just for a second, Aunt Terri, fuck off! :'''Terri:''' Where am I meant to go? :'''Ollie:''' Pretend you've got to go and have a shit or something. :'''Terri:''' ''(to Emma)'' You're going to be a lot better off without him. :'''Emma:''' What do you mean I'm going to be... :'''Ollie:''' You're not going to be better off... :'''Emma:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Sorry, have you...Do you talk about me at work? :'''Ollie:''' Oh, fuck this! This is like that nightmare I had about being on ''[[wikipedia:Loose Women|Loose Women]].'' :''(After Ollie walks away from the argument, however, he sees Glenn and Phil talking in the corner.)'' :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Phil)'' ...that one at all. I mean, everyone knows that Schumacher is Stig. :'''Phil:''' I think that was just publicity, just to keep it going. :'''Ollie:''' ''(to himself)'' Right. I'll go back to ''Loose Women.'' :'''Phil:''' ''(still talking to Glenn)'' Friend of mine thinks it's actually May, Hammond and Clarkson, purely 'cause Stig is an anagram of "gits." :'''Glenn:''' Oh, right. :''(Ollie is forced to go back to Emma and Terri's corner.)'' :'''Emma:''' I just don't think he should be talking about me at all, let alone things that are totally private. :'''Terri:''' No, I agree, I absolutely – ''(sees that Ollie has returned)'' Then the bank bonuses are very high, aren't they? :'''Ollie:''' I know you've been talking about me, Terri, because I've got this weird [[Derren Brown]] thing going on where I can see and hear things, Terri. :'''Emma:''' So, Ollie, what exactly have you been saying to them in the office about me? :'''Ollie:''' I've been saying, er, you smell of fennel, you're racist – :'''Emma:''' Funny. :'''Ollie:''' – you torture horses, and you're in [[wikipedia:The_Bangles|The Bangles]], that's what I've been saying about you at work. :'''Emma:''' See, I think you've been sexually bragging. :'''Ollie:''' Well, don't flatter yourself. :''(Stewart has finally entered the room.)'' :'''Stewart:''' ''(to Emma)'' Emma, I didn't send you here so you could chat about your sex life. I sent you here to back-block Peter's narrative, hmm? ''(Stewart then points to the Piercings Man)'' And what's happened to Phil? I mean, don't get me wrong, I like him, but I'm not seeing him in man-made fibers. :'''Emma:''' He's just drying his...He's drying his trousers. :''(Stewart's in quiet disbelief...)'' :'''Stewart:''' I don't want to know. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nicola:''' ''(seeing Stewart enter the control room)'' How perfect. Who should walk in... :'''Stewart:''' ''(to Janice)'' I'm Stewart Pearson, yeah? See the fat man that you're berating like he's a piñata? Well, I own him. :'''Richard:''' Peter Mannion, that's a fascinating development – :'''Peter''' ''(seeing Malcolm arrive)'': Oh! And as we speak, who should come rolling along the corridor but Malcolm Tucker, the man who was once referred to as the [[wikipedia:Gorbals|Gorbals]] [[Joseph Goebbels|Goebbels]]... :'''Stewart:''' Oh, don't do a joke. Peter, don't do a... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Richard:''' Peter Mannion, can you explain, please, why your party spin doctor has arrived entirely announced? :'''Peter:''' I would say it was an indication of how seriously our party is taking the allegations that we were... :'''Stewart:''' Don't say it again! :'''Peter:''' ...receiving donations from... :'''Richard:''' From a sweatshop labour company. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Stewart)'' Ooh! Did you prep him with this shit, yeah? :'''Stewart:''' Yeah, yeah, yeah. The last thing I said to him was go in there and bomb. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(chuckling)'' Well, it fucking worked. Usually, he comes across like, you know, just another third-rate Donald Sinden. But tonight, he's like a ventriloquist's dummy that's fucking falling to bits. :'''Stewart:''' Yeah, it's really nice to see you without those veins in your temples throbbing. :'''Malcolm:''' 'Cause you have really got your work cut out with him, haven't you? Look at the hair. You've got to do something. He's like fucking Swiss Toni. :'''Stewart:''' Yeah. Well, this is radio, Malcolm, but it's great to be getting this straight from you. Thanks. :'''Janice:''' Look, do you guys have to make so much noise? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Janice)'' I don't know if they told you this on your training day, love, but this is fucking soundproofed, that, they can't hear you. I mean, we're like Ted Moult to them. :'''Janice:''' Look, can you please get out? :'''Malcolm:''' No. Actually, we -- we are entitled to be in here. That lot, they should all be in here. All the political advisors should be in here. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm brings EVERYBODY into the Control Room!)'' :'''Malcolm:''' I just want to add to the party atmosphere. I'm perfectly entitled to this. :''(While Malcolm is doing this, Stewart is reading a text message off of Janice's computer screen)'' :'''Stewart:''' Gather round, everybody. There is a text here from Tim in Ruislip. This is what Tim's text says: "Nicola is a hypocrite. JFU also donate to the government. In fact, they donate twice as much as they do to the opposition." :'''Richard:''' ''(in the studio)'' Can I just say to the listeners at home, I have no idea what's going on now. We're in a studio, there's another room next door... :'''Malcolm:''' ''(pushing everybody out)'' We have to get out, right? Okay. Let's get, you know... :'''Stewart:''' What do you reckon, Malcolm? It seems like a big issue to me. :'''Malcolm:''' It's not. We're going to move on to piercings. :'''Stewart:''' ''(to Janice)'' Janice, I'm sure in the interest of balance, you'll want to... :'''Janice:''' Right, can you shut up, right? Malcolm's right, I decide what is news. :'''Malcolm:''' Absolutely. :'''Janice:''' And this is fucking news! :'''Malcolm:''' Bullshit! Right. See this here? ''(Malcolm goes to the "Shut Down" button.)'' You do it and I will press this fucking button. :'''Janice:''' Don't fucking threaten me! :'''Malcolm:''' This switch... :'''Janice:''' Richard, Tim in Ruislip. :'''Malcolm:''' You do that and I will... <hr width="50%"/> :''(Richard reads the text from "Tim in Ruislip," which turns the whole Murray-Mannion debate on its' head.)'' :'''Richard:''' We've just received this text message from Tim in Ruislip... :'''Stewart:''' ''(smiling)'' Ooh. She's actually put it through. :'''Richard:''' And he says, "Nicola is a hypocrite. JFU also donate to the government. In fact, they donate twice as much as they do to the opposition." :''(Malcolm is very upset with Janice for sending Tim's text message through to Richard's computer in the studio.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' That's your fucking career over, right, OK, you're fucking dead. And those three little words, 'Tim in [[wikipedia:Ruislip|Ruislip]]', are the fucking nails in your coffin, dear. ''(imitates hammering)'' Tim. In. Ruislip. Tim in fucking Ruislip. And as for Tim in fucking – :'''Janice:''' Yeah, okay, can you stop ''fucking saying that, please?'' :'''Malcolm:''' – FUCKING, fucking Ruislip, he's fucking dead as well! That fucking texting coward. Give me his number. What's his fucking number? Give me the fucking number of Tim in Ruislip. :'''Janice:''' ''(to her assistant)'' Erase it. Take it off the screen now. :'''Malcolm:''' If you don't give me his fucking number, do you know what I'm gonna have to do? I'm gonna have to fucking go to fucking Ruislip, and fucking snap the thumb and forefinger off of every single person I see, who I think resembles the kind of wanker that would be walking around in this day and fucking age with a name like fucking Tim! How do you think that sounds, huh? :'''Stewart:''' Quite, quite mad. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(whispering to Stewart)'' You and I have to have a word. :'''Stewart:''' ''(to Janice and her assistant)'' I think he wants me to step outside.<hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm is bossing everybody around, acting like he's the President of the BBC.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to the "Piercings Man")'' Right. You're on, mate. Come on. Get in there now. I want you in there rattling your fucking jewelry and talking about your fucking Prince Albert. Come on. :'''Stewart:''' ''(to Piercings Man)'' He doesn't actually work here. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to everybody else)'' Vamoose, you lot! Fucking vamoose! ''(to Piercings Man)'' Come on, Johnny fucking Depp. Get in here. :'''Piercings Man:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Get off! :'''Malcolm:''' I'll fucking shove a fucking magnet down your throat and watch your fucking face implode! Get in there! :''(The Piercings Man comes into the studio)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Here he is. Piercings. In you go. Sit down there, son, no problem, go ahead. :'''Richard:''' Now, I assume you're here for the piercings debate... <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm Tucker vs. Stewart Pearson: The Spin Doctor Showdown!)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Here's the fucking thing. Nobody talks about fucking dodgy donors, okay? Because it makes everybody look bad. :'''Stewart:''' Okay, I'll go with a different angle, then. How do you think it would land with your female voters if they were to find out that Tom Rudd forced his secretary into having an abortion? :'''Malcolm:''' That was her own personal choice, and by the way, it wasn't his. ''(whispers)'' Over here. :''(Malcolm and Stewart walk away from the studio)'' :'''Stewart:''' Wow! So him paying for a private clinic, then, was just because he's such a nice man? :'''Malcolm:''' He IS a nice man. What about your nice man at Central Planning, eh? The one who got a bit carried away and fucking slapped his kids about a little bit too much? Fucking broke the skin! But he wasn't such a nice man, was he? But I suppose that's just part of your "common sense checklist," yeah. All they need is a good slap and do please remember to leave your fucking rings on! :'''Stewart:''' You go check your facts, Malcolm. That was a domestic accident and nothing more. :'''Malcolm:''' Domestic accident, yeah, 'cause he's got fucking hands the size of fucking doors! :'''Stewart:''' Oh, you want to talk about hardmen, Malcolm, yeah? Now I know you've got to be hard to be a chief whip, but really, coke dealing at university? :'''Malcolm:''' Oh! Please, please! :'''Stewart:''' Hey, am I right in thinking he's now godfather to one of the PM's kids, yeah? :'''Malcolm:''' Listen, you know what I have got at the back of my fucking filing cabinet? I've got a fucking photograph that I've been waiting for a fucking ''rainy day'' to show everyone, which is a photograph of ''your'' fucking [[wikipedia:Shadow_Chancellor_of_the_Exchequer|Shadow Chancellor]], at one of his fucking parties, dressed up in fucking bra, suspenders, and fucking ''blackface!'' What's his defence gonna be, hey, when I email that to the fucking Sun? "Oh, well I am just de Shadow Chancellor"? :'''Stewart:''' Malcolm, he won't have a defense, because you haven't got that picture... :'''Malcolm:''' I have! :'''Stewart:''' Because that didn't happen! However, I do have a statement from a rent boy... :'''Malcolm:''' Oh, that's very useful for you. You can claim that against your expenses, can't you? :'''Stewart:''' Oh, yeah, funny, very funny. :'''Malcolm:''' And you'll get that for free. Is that one of the perks of your fucking job? :'''Stewart:''' No, listen. His statement says...he will swear that one of your prominent back-bench MPs paid him to sit on his chest! :'''Malcolm:''' DON'T! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm and Stewart actually reach a compromise.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Right, look, this is out of order, okay? :'''Stewart:''' Here's the deal. We both, both make statements saying that our guys in there, they were not in possession of all the facts. Hmm? But we're looking into it. :'''Malcolm:''' You'd do that? Hang your own guy out to fucking dry? :'''Stewart:''' What? Peter Mannion, MP? Yeah! Old guard? We're not sending him to DoSac to fatten him up. We're putting him out to pasture, Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' We should just go home. :'''Stewart:''' We can do that. We can just seal this in. Contain the toxicity. Chernobyl FM. :'''Malcolm:''' I mean, you carry on like this and I might not find you utterly fucking contemptible. :'''Stewart:''' That's an incentive. I'll get my bag. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm listens to the radio as he leaves in Nicola's car.)'' :'''Richard:''' Andrew in Suffolk writes, 'The body is a temple. Temples aren't made of metal. Case closed.' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola's driver)'' You couldn't turn that to [[wikipedia:Magic_(Radio)|Magic FM]], could you mate? Otherwise I'm gonna have to tear my eyelids off and scrunch them up into fucking earplugs. <hr width="50%"/> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Phil:''' You just start off about how great the City used to be, then how it's not so great now, and then end with a joke. It's the classic shit sandwich, you know: bread, shit, bread! :'''Peter:''' Phil, if anyone bites into a shit sandwich, they don't say, 'Mmm, bread!', they say, 'Oh fuck, I've got a mouthful of shit! ''(Janice the producer shoves him into the studio)'' You mental bastard! Why have you filled my sandwich with shi–' == Series 3, Episode 6 == :''(This is the opening scene of this episode.)'' :'''Glenn:''' Morning, Ollie. How's your head? Like a bat shat in it at all? :'''Ollie:''' No, I am, if anything, Glenn, I am hung-''under.'' First DoSAC party under the new regime, you lasted 'til, I'd say, seven? :'''Glenn:''' Yeah, well, I do have a life, Ollie. :'''Ollie:''' Yes, but only in the way that, you know, jellyfish or athlete's foot have a life. What was it last night, then? Candlelit annivorcery dinner for one? :''(Terri enters the scene carrying a large plant.)'' :'''Terri:''' Morning. :'''Ollie:''' Hello. (Ollie's curious...) Terri, what actually are you up to? Are you still drunk? :'''Terri:''' No, I had to get in early anyway, because this BBC man's coming. :''(Ollie notices that Terri's wearing trainers!) :'''Ollie:''' Are you wearing trainers? You ''ARE'' wearing trainers! :'''Terri:''' Yes. :'''Glenn:''' Yes. :'''Ollie:''' ''(laughing)'' If Signal toothpaste made trainers, that's what they'd look like. :'''Terri:''' Well, I don't see there's any... :'''Ollie:''' ''(pointing at Terri's trainers)'' This color for healthy breath... :''(Nicola enters the scene, and she's...a little hungover.)'' :'''Nicola:''' Morning, morning. :'''Terri:''' Do please let me... :''(Terri helps Nicola by taking her suitcase.)'' :'''Nicola:''' Thank you very much. :'''Terri:''' Would you like me to take your coffee? :'''Nicola:''' Oh, no. I'm clinging on to that for dear life, I tell you. :'''Terri:''' Well, it will dehydrate you. :'''Nicola:''' Good-o. :'''Ollie:''' Mojito Murray, they now call her. You know, they had to install speed bumps at the bar. She's like Gazza at Euro '96. :''(Ollie mimics somebody getting drunk.)'' :'''Nicola:''' I really love the division of labour in this place. I like the way the women do the heavy lifting and the men do the heavy sarcasm. <hr width="50%"/> :''(While Nicola is conducting an interview with a BBC reporter regarding Nicola's launch of her Fourth Sector Initiative, Glenn and Ollie are discussing the Prime Minister's world tour.)'' :'''Ollie:''' So why is the PM doing this world tour thing? What's the point of that? I mean, he's not easy on the world stage, is he? He walks like his dick's made of glass, you know? Is it a Malc plan? :'''Glenn:''' Could be? Or, you know, Steve Fleming's back, it could be him. :'''Ollie:''' Well, if he's back, it really is the end, isn't it? What are you gonna do when the shit goes down, then? :'''Glenn:''' Oh, plenty of options, Ollie. :'''Ollie:''' You could be a Beefeater. Do you want to be a Beefeater? :'''Glenn:''' Don't you worry about me, Ollie. I've got contacts. :'''Ollie:''' What do you mean, "Don't worry about me"? Are you big in Japan or something? :''(Glenn gives Ollie a wide, sly smile.)'' :'''Ollie:''' What? What's that smile for? Do you need winding? :''(And then, Glenn shares a BIG surprise with Ollie.)'' :'''Glenn:''' I'm going to stand in the election. :'''Ollie:''' (surprised indeed) Are you...Are you serious? :'''Glenn:''' I should hear later today whether or not I've got enough support for the Ilford East long list. :'''Ollie:''' Fucking hell. You on a massive poster. What's your slogan going to be? "He's old and sullen, vote for Cullen." How about that? :'''Glenn:''' Actually...I'm pretty excited about this. :'''Ollie:''' Sort of hard to take on board. It's like being told your dad's gay or something. (Glenn laughs while Ollie continues) I am strangely really proud of you. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Nicola's interview didn't go as well as she wanted it to, and now...Ollie's got some more bad news for her.)'' :'''Ollie:''' Right, so Ben Swain, the man you love to hate and love to sack, actually, is on his way up. :'''Nicola:''' Oh great, I'm flypaper for dickheads today. Right, I'm gonna get out of this funeral suit and chisel off the first three inches of makeup. ''(leaves)'' :'''Glenn:''' ''(seeing Ben arrive)'' Ah, the prodigal Swain returns. :'''Ollie:''' [[wikipedia:Ben_10|Ben 10]], [[wikipedia:Menstrual_cycle|Benstrual cycle]], [[wikipedia:Born_on_the_Fourth_of_July|Ben on the Fourth of July]]! :'''Ben:''' [[wikipedia:Polly_Put_the_Kettle_On|Ollie Put the Kettle On]], [[wikipedia:On_the_Good_Ship_Lollipop|On the Good Ship Ollie-pop]], [[wikipedia:Auld_Lang_Syne|Oll-d Lang Syne]]. :'''Ollie:''' How are things going at the Department of [[wikipedia:Tony_Blair#Leader_of_the_Opposition|Education Education Education]]? :'''Ben:''' They're going up the fuck-pump, Ollie, mainly because you are the Robin Hood of politics. :'''Ollie:''' Well, Robin Hood was a hero. :'''Ben:''' No, he was not a hero, he was a terrorist. You're just stealing from the Education Department and pumping it out as a DoSAC idea. This Back On Track Policy that you launched at your little chimps' tea party last night? Well, that sounds very similar -- ''Very, very sim'' -- Almost identical in fact -- to my Unify Policy that I ''was'' working on here until I was booted out by Knicker-Face. Right, where is Jenni Murray? :'''Ollie:''' No. Well, she's -- I really wouldn't go in... :''(Ben barges in on Nicola in her office -- while she's changing her clothes!)'' :'''Nicola:''' OH! :'''Ben:''' JESUS! :'''Ollie:''' Yes. She's just been doing an interview there, Ben. :'''Ben:''' What? An interview for what? [[wikipedia:FHM|FHM]]? What's she done to her face? She looks like a pissed Aunt Sally. :''(Nicola comes out of her office, and Ben tries to apologize for his rudeness.)'' :'''Nicola:''' ''(to Ben)'' Yeah, I really... :'''Ben:''' I'm very sorry again... :'''Nicola:''' Let's not talk about it ever again. :'''Ben:''' I will forget... :'''Nicola:''' Right. What do you want? :'''Ben:''' ...everything I've seen. Now, Back On Track, it is exactly the same as my Unify Initiative. I know you don't like me, you made that as clear as fish piss by kicking me out of here 10 nanoseconds after you arrived. :''(Ollie's cell phone has started ringing.)'' :'''Ollie:''' Malcolm's calling. I thought he was supposed to be sluicing sand out of Tom's thong in Ibiza or wherever they've got to. :'''Nicola:''' He is, he's away. He's in Spain. Just ignore, ignore Malcolm. :'''Ollie:''' Ignore Malcolm? :'''Nicola:''' Yeah, what can he do? :''(Malcolm is entering the scene on his cell phone. As he enters, he's leaving an odd message on Ollie's cell phone.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Ollie, mate. Ollie, you're not answering your phone and I'm getting really, really worried that you hurt yourself. I just keep getting these terrible images flashing in my head, you know. Of you being stabbed repeatedly in the face. Or of you in a coma on a life-support machine, dreaming about being a gay policeman in the 1970s. :''(But then, Malcolm looks up to see Ollie. Alive and well.)'' :'''Ollie:''' Malcolm, I can explain. :'''Malcolm:''' Ollie. Thank God that you're safe. :''(But just as it looks like Malcolm's getting ready to hug Ollie, Malcolm rudely holds up a mock "Peace" sign and points to Ollie's phone.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' That's from me, [[wikipedia:Zac Efron|Cack Efron]]. ''(Malcolm then notices Ben)'' What's Giant Gaystacks doing here? :'''Ben:''' Um, I'm here, Malcolm, because Nicola has been nicking my policies through Ollie. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Is this true, the Little Man in the Red and Yellow Car? :'''Ollie:''' No. :'''Nicola:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' I've been told by Steve Fleming to think the unthinkable. :'''Malcolm:''' Well, listen, ''I'' am telling you to ''un''-think the unthinkable – Shit, you can't even cope with thinking the thinkable. :'''Nicola:''' Why are you even here? :'''Terri:''' (jogging her way towards Malcolm) Hello, Malcolm. Oh, you look a bit tired. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Terri)'' Yeah. You look incompetent. :'''Terri:''' Yeah, tired and a wee bit grumpy. :'''Malcolm:''' Well, actually, [[wikipedia:Lucille Ball|Lucille Ballbag]], I am here to prep Nicola here for her BBC interview. :'''Nicola:''' A bit late for that. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm has to restart the conversation with Nicola and Terri in Nicola's office.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Terri)'' Terri, I fucking e-mailed you and I told you to move it to later, because I wanted to administer a preparatory fucking verbal cosh. Right? :'''Terri:''' Well... :'''Malcolm:''' And there it is. (Malcolm is looking at the e-mail on his cell phone.) It didn't fuck -- It didn't fucking send! :'''Terri:''' Ah! :'''Malcolm:''' It didn't send, right? :'''Terri:''' There you go. You just owe me an apology, that's all. :'''Malcolm:''' (insulted) I'm sorry? :'''Nicola:''' That's the one. :'''Malcolm:''' That wasn't an apology. That was a "pardon?" I'm sorry. :'''Nicola:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Why aren't you on the Tom tour, by the way? :'''Terri:''' Yeah, I heard Steve Fleming was on the tour. Hmm. Big beast. :'''Malcolm:''' Tiny fucking rodent, more like. He's part of the larger problem. :'''Nicola:''' Which is? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Have you been at Number 10 lately? Jesus, it's like the break-up of the Beatles, right? During the fall of the Roman Empire, while fucking [[wikipedia:Katie_Price|Jordan]]'s getting divorced from [[wikipedia:Peter_Andre|that bloke]]. All happening at the same time in a tiny fucking terraced house, yeah? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' Right, people, listen up! It's a fucking lockdown, right now! :'''Nicola:''' Oh, come off it! We're not in a prison drama, are we? :'''Malcolm:''' We are in a prison drama and this is the fucking [[The Shawshank Redemption|''Shawshank Redemption'']], right? But with more tunnelling through shit and no fucking redemption.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Malcolm:''' Is that trainers that she's wearing? ''(to Terri)'' Are you wearing fucking train– You're supposed to be a civil servant, not a fucking playgroup assistant. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ben:''' It's like wet play, isn't it? :'''Ollie:''' Hah! :'''Glenn''' ''(playing chess over the phone, with a miniature chessboard)'': Queen to knight 4. :'''Ben:''' I never had you down as a chess man, Glenn, I thought you might be more the kind to play Ludo or something. :'''Glenn:''' Do you mind? :'''Ben:''' Oh what, can you not multitask, [[wikipedia:Deep_Blue_(chess_computer)|Deep Beige]]? ''(He and Ollie laugh)'' :'''Glenn:''' What, check? Oh, fuck you! :'''Ben:''' Well, you know, politics is like a game of chess, Glenn, insofar as you're shit at both of them.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Malcolm''' ''(answering his mobile)'': Nicola Murray is not going to make a leadership announcement this evening. Permission to speak frankly and off the record, yeah? She's an idiot. I ''know'' that she's in the Cabinet, but look, that's like being disabled at a football match, yeah? I mean, she's very close to the action, but hardly likely to score a goal. That – No! That – How is that offensive? That is a very fair and accurate portrayal of just how fucking retarded she is.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Nicola:''' Are you emailing? Are you stirring this up? Is that why you came into DoSAC today: did you have a big bucket of shit and a whisk? :'''Ben:''' No. ''(beat)'' Yes, a bit. :'''Nicola:''' What are you saying? :'''Ben:''' Just, you know, 'Joan Rivers wants to be the new Prime Minister. Have a look at this clip of her online, staking her bid.' :'''Nicola:''' You treacherous shit. :'''Ben:''' Come on, it's not my fault you've dressed up like a dead geisha. :'''Nicola:''' Why are you doing this? :'''Ben:''' Because I'm bored, it's funny and – and I hate you. There you are, the holy trinity of why. :'''Nicola:''' Do you know, talking to you is like talking to a fucking whoopee cushion! :'''Terri:''' Right. Bit of good news. :'''Glenn:''' What? :'''Terri:''' ''Two'' bits, actually. Um... :'''Malcolm:''' Enough. Can we all just shut the fuck up, okay? So we can gather our thoughts. So, one at a time. [[wikipedia:Private_Godfrey|Private Godfrey]], get to your station. ''(Glenn runs to his desk)'' I want to hear what the word is on the street. :'''Glenn:''' All right, ''(reporting from his computer)'' 'Ben has been seen coming into DoSAC but not going out. Possibly Ben is her running mate as number two in a leadership bid.' :'''Ben:''' Hah! Right, I don't mind going out there now and telling them all face to face just how much I hate Nicola and how unlikely that is to happen, and get myself a sandwich, I'm fucking starving – :'''Malcolm:''' What did I just fucking say, what did I just fucking say? I said one at a fucking time. Stand up. ''(Ben does not stand)'' I'm telling you to fucking stand up, you sack of fucking cum! Stand the fuck up! ''(Ben stands)'' Fucking move, right. ''(Malcolm grabs a keyboard)'' See that? Fucking play with that, right? Never mind your fucking toys, play with that. ''(Malcolm hands Ben the keyboard and pushes him)'' Go and stand in that fucking corner. ''Stand over there, right? And do not move, or I will perform a fucking living fucking autopsy on you! With a fucking rusty spade, and I'll have your kidneys for fucking CUFFLINKS!''<hr width="50%" /> :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ben)'' See, you? Get me a fucking [[wikipedia:Curly_Wurly|Curly Wurly]], right? :''(Shortly afterwards, Ben gives Malcolm a Curly Wurly.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' It's a classic Curly Wurly I wanted. A Curly Wurly should be the size of a small ladder. :'''Ben:''' Your hands have got bigger. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nicola:''' That was utterly humiliating. For fuck's sake, Malcolm! :'''Malcolm:''' Shouldn't that be 'of fuck's sake'? :'''Nicola:''' I don't know what you're talking about. :'''Malcolm:''' May I just quote it to you? 'The Prime Minister is the right man ''for'' the moment.' :'''Nicola:''' Yeah. That's what you told me to say. :'''Malcolm''': ''Of'' the moment, ''of'' the moment, I told you to say '<nowiki/>'''''<nowiki/>'''of'' the fucking moment': there's a huge difference between me saying to you, 'Nicola, I would like to go'' for'' a lovely walk with you', and 'Nicola, I would like to make a hat out'' of'' your fucking entrails!' ''(And then, Malcolm's cell phone rings. Again.)'' Excuse me. :''(Who's on Malcolm's cell phone NOW?)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Steven. ''(beat)'' Yes, well you can tell Tom right now that I'm fucking sweating embryos for him, okay? <hr width="50%" /> :'''Ben:''' Look at this! Takeaway and a fight. All I need now is a handjob in a bus shelter, I've had the great British night out. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nicola:''' Jesus, you're about as on the ball today as a dead seal! :'''Malcolm:''' Hey, that's one of my fucking lines! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' Terri, I thought we had a deal, right? When I need your advice I'll give you the special signal, which is me [[wikipedia:Involuntary_commitment_internationally#United_Kingdom|being sectioned under the fucking Mental Health Act]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' How fucking dare you. Have you any idea of the amount of pressure that has been exerted on my skull, huh? It feels like my brain has been fucking emptied into little packets, into fucking crisp packets. Cheese and onion fucking crisp packets, that contain my living, breathing, fucking brain! :'''Terri:''' Malcolm, I'm really sorry, I – :'''Malcolm:''' ''And these crisp packets'' – cheese and onion, smoky bacon – they've been stomped on. They've been fucking stomped on! By Ben, fucking Nicola – :'''Terri:''' I didn't mean to be horrid – :'''Malcolm:''' AND FUCKING YOU! :''(long silence)'' :'''Malcolm:''' I'm sorry. :'''Terri:''' ''I'm'' sorry. :'''Malcolm:''' ''I'm'' sorry. :'''Terri:''' I'm sorry. :'''Malcolm:''' No, I'm over it, okay? Don't you apologise, don't you fucking apologise, you don't need to apologise. I love this place. I do! I mean, fucking compared to Number 10, this place, this place is fucking tranquil, yeah? Over there, 300 yards down the road, I mean it's like a fucking cancer ward: I mean, there are people in there, they're fucking screaming at each other. They're screaming, 'You gave me this fucking disease. You gave me this fucking disease!' And every corner that I turn, there's another threat, Terri: hacks! Hacks, fucking vampire hacks! And they're slaughtering us, Terri, THEY ARE FUCKING SLAUGHTERING US, AND THEY WANT MY FACE FOR A FLANNEL! :'''Terri:''' Yeah. :'''Malcolm:''' And you know what? I used to be the fucking pharaoh, Terri, I used to be the fucking pharaoh! Now I'm fucking floundering in a fucking Nile of shit! But I am gonna fashion a paddle out of that shit. Yeah? :'''Terri:''' Mmm. Good idea. :'''Malcolm:''' I'm not going down. I am not going down. Yeah? :'''Terri:''' ''(whispers)'' Yeah. :'''Malcolm:''' How are you feeling about things? :'''Terri:''' Well, you know, I'm just trying to do my best and, you know, make sure I can still get home by six o'clock. Do you want a huggle? :'''Malcolm:''' No, I think – That's nice of you, I really appreciate it. Terri, it's been nice to have a chat, but I've gotta get on. :'''Terri:''' Okay. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. Let's get back on track. :'''Terri:''' Get back on track. :''(both leave the room)'' :'''Malcolm:''' As they say, right? :'''Terri:''' Funny to use that phrase. :'''Malcolm:''' All righty-o, okay, Nicola, let's see you in your office, please. :'''Ollie:''' What did he say? :'''Terri:''' Dunno, it was all about ancient Egypt. :'''Ollie:''' Ancient Egypt? :'''Terri:''' Yeah. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Nicola's Fourth Sector Initiative launch speech has bombed...and that's not the only thing that's bombed)'' :'''Glenn:''' Uh, sorry I missed it. Did it go well? :'''Nicola:''' Nope. :'''Glenn:''' Well, uh, more good news. Um...I'm afraid my chances of becoming an MP have been torpedoed...by the U-boat that was you. The selection committee decided that my association with you was too divisive. :'''Ollie:''' The dream is over, eh? :'''Malcolm:''' I'm devastated. I had 500 quid on you being the new Foreign Secretary. :'''Ollie:''' Uh, it's a great loss to regional politics, for sure. :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Nicola)'' By flying so close to your bright Sun like Icarus, I have crashed to the Earth and died. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' Ladies and Gentlemen, the dirty protest is now over; please mop up your shit and fuck off home. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' Make sure fucking Nicola doesn't top herself, eh? :'''Terri:''' Yeah, sure. :'''Malcolm:''' Make sure that Ben does.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Ollie:''' What are you gonna do when the shit goes down, then? :'''Glenn:''' Oh, plenty of options, Ollie. :'''Ollie:''' Really, have you really, you've got plenty of options, have you? ''(Glenn nods.)'' What are those options, let's see, you can't – you can't hold a golf sale sign because of your back, you can't be a prostitute 'cause your waterworks aren't up to it, you can't be a drugs mule, 'cause of your arse, that's too slack, isn't it, so what does that leave you with, you could be – Local weatherman would be perfect; or, er, you could run a whelk stall, how about that? You could be a dinner lady or a [[wikipedia:Speed_bump#Speed_bumps|sleeping policeman]], actually on the road: just lie down, let the cars – You could become one of those people who manipulates their cock and balls into funny shapes for the paying public, it would be nice for them to have a little run out. Or, you could just basically walk into a hospice, and wait to kark it.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Malcolm:''' That's from me, Cack Efron. It's a coded message basically telling you that, if you ignore me or my fucking calls again, I'll fucking rip your head off, right? I'll fucking plant a palm tree in your neck, and I'll fuck you fucking tenderly in its shade! :'''Ollie:''' I can tell you've been away, your threats are including palm trees now.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Jesus Christ, [[Crosby, Stills & Nash|Crosby, Still, Nash and fucking Young]] – Look at the lot of you, it's like walking into an installation at the [[wikipedia:Tate_Britain|Tate Gallery]] that everybody's forgotten about. ==Series 3, Episode 7== :''(At the start of this episode, Nicola and her team are getting ready to launch DoSAC's Healthy Choices Campaign. The scene starts with a delivery man delivering big bottles of water.)'' :'''Glenn:''' ''(to the delivery man, chuckling)'' Oh, that's great. Don't know why we've ordered so much water. We've all got rabies. :'''Nicola:''' ''(on her cell phone)'' So, basically, just get crisps shaped like rockets, rainbow-colored ice cream, you know the stuff that all the other kids have at their parties. :''(MORE big bottles of water!)'' :'''Glenn:''' (surprised) Blimey! More? What are we doing? Opening a dolphinarium? :'''Nicola:''' (off her phone) Good. Sorted. So...Sorry about that. Where were we? :'''Glenn:''' Uh, healthy eating. :'''Terri:''' Beneficial Lifestyle Choices. :'''Ollie:''' Get in! :'''Glenn:''' What? :'''Ollie:''' (happily) I've just landed Andy Murray. :'''Nicola:''' YAY! That's brilliant! Andy Murray? :'''Ollie:''' I've definitely got Andy Murray! :'''Nicola:''' Andy Murray, the face of Healthy Choices. :'''Glenn:''' Oh, all right. :'''Terri:''' The tennis player? :'''Ollie:''' (sarcastically) No, the fucking pianist. :'''Nicola:''' Nicola Murray ''NETS'' Andy Murray! :'''Ollie:''' Well, we both netted him together. :'''Terri:''' Are you sure you want him? :'''Nicola:''' Uh, yeah! :'''Terri:''' Murray? ''(beat)'' Doesn't it sound like nepotism? :'''Nicola:''' (Not appreciating Terri's criticism) Like, in the way people think Russ and Diane Abbott are related? :'''Ollie:''' Yeah. :'''Terri:''' Possibly. :'''Glenn:''' And Bill Murray's her father? :'''Terri:''' Okay, I'll level with you. I don't like him. :'''Nicola:''' (annoyed) Who would you suggest then, Terri? :'''Terri:''' Paula Radcliffe. :'''Ollie:''' ''Pooey Paula?'' That's not healthy. Shitting in your own pants, that's definitely not a healthy image. :'''Glenn:''' She could demonstrate how to do the Hop, Shit and Jump. :'''Terri:''' That is very unfair. It only happened once. :'''Ollie:''' Once is all you need! Imagine if Bruce Forsyth, beginning of ''Strictly Come Dancing...'' (Ollie pretends to poop) "There we go!" You'd never hear the end of that. And quite rightly! :'''Nicola:''' Terri, can we move on from your hatred of Andy Murray, and can we start trailing a major DoSAC initiative? Now, don't give any details at this stage. Just say it's major TBA. :'''Terri:''' TBA? :'''Nicola:''' To be announced. :'''Terri:''' Oh, just... :'''Nicola:''' It's really self-defeating if I have to explain abbreviations to you. :'''Terri:''' Sure, sure... :'''Nicola:''' FFS. :'''Terri:''' ''(to Glenn and Ollie)'' What's FFS? :'''Glenn:''' Oh, for fuck... :'''Nicola:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Oh, we're gonna need Malcolm clearance, Ollie. Okay? ''(to Glenn)'' Glenn, can you get rid of all this water as well? It looks like something out of fucking [[wikipedia:Doctor Who|Doctor Who]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Meanwhile, Malcolm is at home serving Indian food to some journalists.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Here they come, it's the [[wikipedia:Flying_Scotsman|Flying Scots-curry-man]]. ''(sings)'' 'Where's your pappadam?' You have got to try this aubergine, it's cooked in [[wikipedia:Ghee|ghee]], right? I fucking love ghee, it's like fucking [[wikipedia:Free_base|freebasing]] butter. Have some more wine, come on, get quaffing. ''(mobile rings)'' Christ, here we go. ''(answers)'' No, we don't do takeaway, right? ''(all laugh, as Malcolm walks away)'' Listen, see, if this is recorded spam, I'm gonna hunt you down and burst your fucking lungs. :'''Ollie''' ''(at his desk)'': Where actually are you, Malcolm? :'''Malcolm:''' I'm on holidays! :'''Ollie:''' ''Where'' are you on holiday, where? :'''Malcolm:''' Right, OK, I'm in Thailand, in a sex spa. About to get a fucking facial. :'''Ollie:''' Right, quick summary: [[Andy Murray]], famous tennis player, also lovely Scotch person, face of Healthy Lifestyle Choices. Nicola Murray, slightly panicky, er, minister-lady: wonder if that's OK with you? :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah yeah yeah, Andy Murray, yeah, Andy Pandy, fucking Gandhi having a hand-shandy, whatever, just, you know, fuck off out of my life, OK? :'''Ollie:''' Okey dokey! ''(hangs up. To Nicola and Glenn)'' [[wikipedia:Del_Monte_Foods#Pop_culture_references|The man from Hell Monte, he say 'Fucking aye'!]]<hr width="50%" /> :'''Malcolm:''' (apologizing to his guests) Sorry about that. Everybody's heard about the cooking, so it's... :'''Geoffrey:''' So, Malcolm, what's all this about? :'''Malcolm:''' Well, I know that these are hard times for print journalists, yeah? I mean, I read that on the internet. I mean, one day you're writing for the papers and the next you're sleeping under them. :'''Marianne:''' What, so this is like Malcolm Tucker's Soup Kitchen? :'''Malcolm:''' Well, it is, kind of, in a way. I just think that you should have one big square meal before you end up fucking living off white lightning in your own feces. Come on, get stuck in. I'll dish it up for you. :'''Marianne:''' What about Tom bringing back Steve Fleming? Kind of makes you old news, doesn't it? :'''Geoffrey:''' You repositioning yourself, Malcolm? :'''Malcolm:''' This is about a guy sharing his ghee. That's it. Okay? :'''Geoffrey:''' So you're not currying favor, then? :''(Marianna starts laughing at Geoffrey's joke.)'' :'''Marianne:''' (laughing) Sorry... :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Geoffrey, jokingly)'' Fuck you. Get out of my house. Get out of my fucking house. That's it. I know...I mean, no wonder nobody's fucking buying your paper. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Meanwhile, Nicola, Glenn, Terri and Ollie are still getting over Malcolm being on holiday.)'' :'''Nicola:''' He's really on holiday? :'''Terri:''' Malcolm hasn't been on holiday for 10 years. :'''Glenn:''' Malcolm's got to keep moving or he's dead. He's like a shark of [[wikipedia:Bob Dylan|Bob Dylan]]. :'''Terri:''' Well, who's driving the bus? :''(Steve Fleming enters the office and starts greeting the staff.)'' :'''Steve Fleming:''' Morning! Morning, DoSAC. :'''Glenn:''' Oh. :'''Nicola:''' Bollocky bollocks. It's the [[A Christmas Carol|Ghost of Christmas Shit]]. :'''Glenn:''' There's your answer, Terri: that's the man driving the bus, that's [[wikipedia:Reg_Varney|Reg bloody Varney]]. All stops to electoral oblivion, ding ding. :'''Nicola:''' Get in my office, come on. It'll buy us a bit of time. :''(They all do so, as Steve continues to move towards them.)'' :'''Glenn:''' Come on, have a look. :'''Ollie:''' I've never seen Steve Fleming in the flesh. :'''Nicola:''' You're lucky. :'''Ollie:''' For a man who brought us back into power, he's not very imposing, is he? He's like a Lego policeman. :'''Nicola:''' Look at him. Super Mario. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Steve joyfully enters Nicola's office with cups of coffee for her and her team.)'' :'''Steve:''' Morning, campers! :'''Nicola:''' Steve Fleming! :''(Nicola and Steve shake hands, BUT...)'' :'''Steve:''' Oh, no. :'''Nicola:''' Hello. Oh! Okay... :''(At Steve's insistence, he gives Nicola a HUG! Fun for Steve...but not so much for Nicola.)'' :'''Steve:''' (happily) Hello, Nicola. :'''Nicola:''' Hi. :'''Steve:''' You look like you've lost some weight. :'''Nicola:''' (surprised) Do I? :'''Steve:''' Yeah! :'''Nicola:''' I don't think so, but... :'''Steve:''' (very pleased) Oh, I think so, yes. No, your face looks quite gaunt. Muscly. :'''Nicola:''' Does it now? :'''Steve:''' Anyway, I come bearing caffeinated gifts. :''(Steve presents the cups of coffee, and the team is appreciative of his gesture. Then, Steve gets down to business.)'' :'''Steve:''' I'm gonna cut to the chase. I need you to publish...all the crime stats since 2004 as an accompaniment to our Transparent Government launch. From 2004 up to the last quarter. :'''Nicola:''' Okay, we are just about to launch, um, Healthy Choices. ''With'' Andy Murray. :'''Steve:''' Andy Murray! Whoa! (Steve mimes a tennis volley.) Ace! :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Steve)'' Good joke. :'''Steve:''' ''(to Nicola)'' We'll make a Minister of you yet. :'''Nicola:''' I mean, after that, we can try and get you something for, say, end of the week? :'''Steve:''' After? Why after? Why not right alongside? Or, here's a thought...Before. :'''Nicola:''' Because we're under-resourced and it's not a priority. :'''Steve:''' The PM thinks it is a priority. It can be done. ''(beat)'' Oh, I seem to have reached the end of my argument. :'''Nicola:''' Okay. Well, look, um, why don't we say Thursday lunchtime. Okay? :'''Glenn:''' Well, you've got Fran's leaving lunch on Thursday. :'''Nicola:''' I have got a lunch. Thursday afternoon. :'''Steve:''' (still smiling) Yes, I don't give a fuck about Fran's leaving lunch. I'm saying ''Now now now now now now now now. Now!'' :'''Nicola:''' Okay. Chillax. We're on the case, Steve. :'''Steve:''' Lovely. Thank you very much. :'''Nicola:''' Good. Okay. Well, it's a delight to see you again. :'''Steve:''' Oh! :'''Nicola:''' Oh, I get another one. :''(Another awkward hug between Steve and Nicola.)'' :'''Nicola:''' (jokingly) Mind my gaunt face. :'''Steve:''' ''(to the whole team)'' Bye-bye. :'''Nicola's team:''' Bye. <hr width="50%"/> :''(After their first meeting with Steve Fleming...)'' :'''Ollie:''' What do you call that? Obsessive Repulsive Disorder, I would say. :'''Nicola:''' I'm gonna ring Malcolm. Holiday or no holiday, I'm gonna ring Malcolm about this. :'''Ollie:''' ''(impersonating Steve)'' 'Caffeinated gifts!' :'''Terri:''' Malcolm never brought us coffee. I like him. :'''Ollie:''' Yes, well you like bath salts, you're basically an idiot. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Meanwhile, at Malcolm's house with the journalists...)'' :'''Malcolm:''' So everybody's for coffee, yeah? :'''Geoffrey:''' Mmm-hmm. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, I'm sorry I can't do espressos. But I've made this so thick and black, it'll be like fucking drinking plimsolls. :'''Marianne:''' This Steve Fleming thing is gonna end in tears, isn't it? I mean, you sacked him last time. :'''Malcolm:''' All right. Right. Okay. Off the record. Right? Okay? While Steven is a useful tool, and I do emphasize the word "useful" here, I'm still running the show. Right? :'''Geoffrey:''' If you're still running the show, why do you need to tell us? :''(Malcolm calmly -- but still menacingly -- walks up to Geoffrey, with the pot of coffee still in his hand.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' (calmly) Geoffrey, all I'm saying is this: It would be very much fucking appreciated if you could emphasize the fact that I'm at the heart of the government. Because it's fucking true. I am the heart. I am the ventricles. And the fucking aorta. :'''Marianne:''' (chuckling) Malcolm, we get it. You're still the star of the show. :'''Malcolm:''' It's not for me to say, darling. :'''Geoffrey:''' No, you're still the star of the show. Yeah, until they start wheeling out the celebrities. What's next, Malcolm? Ant and Dec as the new fucking litter tsars? That's when you know you're 20 points behind in the polls. :'''Malcolm:''' Oh, well, thank you very much, Mr. Fucking Prick Robinson. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Nicola's getting a phone call from a certain someone...)'' :'''Terri:''' Nicola, it's your nephew on the phone. :'''Nicola:''' What? :'''Terri:''' Your nephew. Andy Murray. :'''Nicola:''' (Very excited) Fuck! On the line, now? ''OH, MY GOD! It's Andy Murray on the line!'' What line? :'''Terri:''' Press two. :'''Nicola:''' He's not there, Terri! Fuck's sake! :'''Terri:''' Maybe it was three. :'''Nicola:''' God, it drives me insane! Is he there now? :'''Terri:''' Yeah, yeah. Hang on, let me just get him off hold. :'''Nicola:''' It really pisses me off! The fucking phones in this whole -- Andy! Hello! It's Nicola Murray, yes! What a delight to talk to you! :''(While NICOLA Murray's chatting on the phone with ANDY Murray, Ollie gets a call on his cell phone from Malcolm.)'' :'''Ollie:''' Hi, Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' Ollie. Andy Murray. :'''Ollie:''' Oh, good. We are literally confirming him as we speak. :'''Malcolm:''' Ditch him. We can't go with celebrities. Right? It's just gonna look bad. :'''Ollie:''' Why? :'''Malcolm:''' We're gonna look desperate, all right? :'''Ollie:''' Well, uh...Steve Fleming likes the idea. :'''Malcolm:''' Never mind what Mummy says. Just do what Daddy says, right? :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, whilst you're on, um, just, um...there's another thing. Uh, Mummy has asked us to publish the crime stats as part of the Transparent Government initiative. Is that all right with Daddy? :'''Malcolm:''' It's fine. :'''Ollie:''' Really? Because, um, Nicola's got that baffled, panicky look like a child on the ghost train. :'''Malcolm:''' Give me a second while I look up my little file of things I really don't give a fuck about. And here we have under the letter N, we've got "nail-bombing golf clubs," there is, uh, the National Trust, there is Newcastle...Nicola Murray. Yes. She's still there. So fucking can Andy Murray and just get on with the fucking crime stats. :'''Nicola:''' ''(still on the phone with Andy)'' I'll make sure Kate liaises with my press whiz kid, uh, Terri Coverley. She's a woman. But listen, if there is anything else we can do for you, ''please'' don't hesitate to call. Dare I say it, we are ''here to serve'', (laughing) if you'll excuse the pun. All right, Andy. Take care. Bye. <hr width="50%"/> :''(But now, Ollie has to give Nicola the bad news...)'' :'''Ollie:''' Malcolm says we have to drop him. :'''Nicola:''' (in disbelief) What? :'''Ollie:''' Andy. He's not in, he's now out. Apparently, according to Malcolm, sent to bed without any barley water. :'''Nicola:''' I mean, he's a fucking tennis player! We're not asking Shane MacGowan! ''Why?'' :'''Ollie:''' It's nothing personal. He just said bringing in celebrities looks desperate. He said it's the sign of a dying government. :'''Nicola:''' We are a dying government! Our hair's falling out, and we're coughing up blood, and our kids are asking us to change the will! :'''Ollie:''' Look, he was quite clear about this. He said just, you know, kill it. Kitten, breeze block, sack, canal. :'''Nicola:''' Oh, I can imagine him being clear about it. Right. We've gotta get on to -- ''(to Terri)'' ''You've'' gotta get on to... :'''Terri:''' Me? :'''Nicola:''' ...Andy Murray's people and find a polite way of saying, "Piss off, Andy. Apparently, you're too well-known to front our public awareness campaign." :'''Terri:''' Right. :''(But Glenn has some GOOD news on the crime stats.)'' :'''Glenn:''' Right! Good news is I have done all that pile and that's in the system. :'''Ollie:''' Excellent. :'''Glenn:''' (stretching his back) Oh, fuck me! :''(But then, Glenn sees a trolley-full of more crime stats headed his way!)'' :'''Glenn:''' ''What the hell's THIS?'' :'''Ollie:''' It appears to be a trolley-full of crime stats. :'''Glenn:''' "Vandalism?" "Bicycle theft?" Oh, this is ridiculous! :''(And just when he says THAT, Glenn kicks open a box of crime stats!)'' :'''Ollie:''' Well, that's given us an unexpected head start, well done. I would kill you but I'd have to add you to the fucking figures. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nicola:''' ''(to Terri)'' Okay. Think about what you're gonna say. :'''Terri:''' Yeah. Okay, I've done that. :'''Nicola:''' What? Already? Is that enough time? :'''Terri:''' ''(on the phone)'' Kate. Hello. Uh, Terri Coverley. Yes. Yeah, we're thrilled about Andy being on board. :'''Nicola:''' ''(whispering to Terri)'' Get on with it. :'''Terri:''' (stammering) No. I'm not actually saying that it's... :''(Nicola then sees Steve Fleming entering the room. Again.)'' :'''Nicola:''' (still whispering) Shit! End the call. End the call. It's Mustache Sally. Fleming! Steve Fleming's here! Put the phone down! :'''Steve:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Ah, Nicola Murray! How are the crime stats coming along? :'''Nicola:''' It's not easy, Steve, as you can see. But Glenn and Ollie are on top of it. :'''Ollie:''' "Other theft?" What the fuck is other theft? :'''Glenn:''' I don't know what other theft is. :'''Steve:''' If you want to stay late, or pull an all-nighter, if you think it'd help – :'''Glenn:''' You want us to work all through the night on this? :'''Steve:''' It would be very much appreciated upstairs. :'''Ollie:''' Hah, well: I'm an atheist. :'''Steve:''' ''(laughs)'' By the Prime Minister. I did get the joke, by the way. :'''Ollie''' ''(mouthing)'': Well done. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm is back from holiday in this scene, and he's having a warm and friendly chat with his loyal assistant, Sam.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' (happily) Good morning, good morning, good morning! I'm back! I'm sorry I left my sombrero at home, but here I am. What do you think of the tan, huh? What do you think of this shade? I call it "Custard Cancer." (Malcolm gets a delivery.) Oh, thank you very much. :'''Sam:''' Where did you go? :'''Malcolm:''' I went to, um, Easter Island. I thought I'd spend my time there re-chiseling all the statues, so that they'd look like Westlife. How about a coffee? :'''Sam:''' Oh, I've sent you a link to Andy Murray's website. There's, uh, something you should see. :'''Malcolm:''' Andy Murray's website? :''(While Sam leaves Malcolm's office to get him a cup of coffee, Malcolm reads about the big news on Andy Murray's website...)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Andy says, "Just agreed to lead the government's Healthy Choices campaign. Eat, live, be well." Fuck a Pot Noodle. :''(Uh-oh...)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Sam, prepare my horse. I ride – to DoSAC! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nicola:''' Hello, Terri. :'''Terri:''' Morning, Nicola. :'''Nicola:''' Who am I, Terri? :'''Terri:''' You're Nicola? Nicola Murray? :''(Nicola nods her head "Yes.")'' :'''Terri:''' Ah. Secretary of State for... :'''Nicola:''' That's right. I'm Secretary of State. So why has a sports personality launched my policy on his fucking website? :'''Terri:''' Ah! No, I know. I know exactly why that is. :'''Nicola:''' You didn't make the phone call, did you? :'''Terri:''' Well, uh, yes. :'''Ollie:''' Nicola, um, in other really bad news -- Good morning, by the way. :'''Glenn:''' (on the phone) This is about the crime stats, yeah? :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, some of the crime stats that we published, as it turns out, were unverified and not ready for being in the public domain. Uh, Marianne Swift from ''The Mail...'' :'''Nicola:''' Oh, Swine-Face Swift. :'''Ollie:''' That's the one. She noticed, uh, a drop in the figures for aggravated burglary in the last quarter. Whereas when she checked it out... :'''Nicola:''' There was no drop. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah. :'''Nicola:''' Right. So Swine-Face Swift and her piggy hack-hog colleagues... :'''Ollie:''' Exactly. So we're getting a lot of, uh, oinking on the phones. So basically what that means is that the department -- well, essentially the royal you, um, seem to have massaged the crime figures. :'''Nicola:''' Great. Thank you, Steve fucking "Ew, Nicola!" Fleming! :'''Ollie:''' Yup. He is a fucking...ninny, isn't he? :'''Nicola:''' Bring my dispatch boxes. :'''Ollie:''' Okay. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Steve:''' Malcolm! :'''Malcolm:''' Oh, there he is, [[wikipedia:Bob_Carolgees|Bob Carolgees]]; how's the wee comedy dog? :'''Steve:''' Welcome back. Good holiday? I hear your kitchen's lovely at this time of year. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well actually, I went to Spain. :'''Steve:''' Oh, nice. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah yeah, I went to Malaga, it was lovely. I was golfing with [[Stephen Hawking]], he's fucking shit. He lied about his handicap. Mind you, I never had to hire a golf buggy, I just sat in his lap. :'''Steve:''' Please. Why do we have to be like this? All this negative energy. Come on! :'''Malcolm:''' What? :'''Steve:''' Well, we've got to work together. So, you know... :'''Malcolm:''' So what? I mean, that doesn't mean we have to like each other, does it? :'''Steve:''' No, I mean... :''(Someone's trying to get past Malcolm and Steve.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to the passer-by)'' Sorry. (He politely lets him pass through.) :'''Steve:''' We both know we don't like each other, everyone knows that, we are the Gallagher brothers of politics. :'''Malcolm:''' How does that work? Does that mean that I'm [[Noel Gallagher|the semi-talented songwriter]] and you're [[Liam Gallagher|the fucking loutish prick]]? That's a lovely analogy. :'''Steve:''' You were the one who forced me out of the sodding band. ''(chuckles)'' Come on, let's have a chat. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm and Steve continue their unfriendly chat in an office.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' You were asked to leave the fucking band. And you wouldn't fucking go, would you? You had to hang on in there, like a [[wikipedia:Limpet|limpet]] up a whale's arse. :'''Steve:''' Why do you thrive so much on being disliked? :'''Malcolm:''' People hate me? Good! Bring it on. Do you know what they say about you? :'''Steve:''' I'm sure you're going to tell me, Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' I'll tell you ''exactly'' what people think about you! :'''Steve:''' All right, go on then! :'''Malcolm:''' ''Fuck-all!!'' :'''Steve:''' Oh, do they? ''FUCK-ALL?'' :'''Malcolm:''' People have ''no'' fucking opinion about you! You're like fucking [[wikipedia:Special K|Special K]] or fucking the Moody Blues. That's you, fucking white noise in the background—Funny? Is that funny? Do you find that funny? :'''Steve:''' No, I don't find anything you're saying funny whatsoever. And I'll tell you a home truth, Malcolm Tucker: The people who are really hated in this country, the people who are really hated, are us. This government. How about we stand together? Let's both be team players, shall we? :''(But then, Malcolm's cell phone beeps.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Were you the Einstein that OK'd this fucking Andy Murray thing at DoSAC? Because I've got ''The Telegraph'' on here. (Steve's cell phone then beeps.) And you've probably got ''The Times'' asking why the budget's been pre-announced on Twitter by fucking Ryan Giggs. :'''Steve:''' (looking at his cell phone) Shit! "The last quarter's crime stats, which DoSAC have published, are unconfirmed projections." Shit! :'''Malcolm:''' That's DoSAC for you. :'''Steve:''' Come on, Malcolm. Team players! :'''Malcolm:''' Bring me sunshine. :''(Both men leave the office.)'' <hr width="50%"/> :''(Meanwhile, at DoSAC, Glenn, Ollie & Terri are on their desk phones, trying to get a better handle on the news of the moment.)'' :'''Glenn:''' (on his phone) No, we're not manipulating the figures. Somebody quite simply made a mistake. No. No, I couldn't possibly say who. :'''Ollie:''' (on his phone) Glenn Cullen. Glenn with one, one N. :'''Terri:''' (on her phone) We have actually decided to go in a different direction from Andy. :''(Steve and Malcolm have entered the room, both making a beeline for Nicola's office.)'' :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Good holiday? :'''Malcolm:''' Shut it, you fucking hairdresser. :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Got any photos? :'''Malcolm:''' I've got a photo of you in a minute with your cock nailed to the desk. Hey, you want to see something that's truly worth photographing? Look at Steve Fleming at work, eh? That's the real master of spin. He's [[wikipedia:Jimi Hendrix|Spinny fucking Hendrix]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''(And now, Steve & Malcolm are confronting Nicola in her office...much to Nicola's dismay...)'' :'''Steve:''' Nicola, you and your department have screwed up! :'''Malcolm''' ''(entering)'': I'd like to agree with the previous speaker, only adding the words 'fucking royally'. :'''Nicola:''' Oh Jesus, am I being gang-bollocked? :'''Malcolm:''' Andy Murray's [[wikipedia:Tim_Henman|Henman]]-fisting us in the press. We can't have that – :'''Steve:''' Well, with undue respect, Malcolm, the crime stats cock-up is a much bigger deal. :'''Nicola:''' This is such a great double act, isn't it? Good Cock, Bad Cock! :'''Malcolm:''' I'll tell you what, why don't you go first, mate? I need a wazz. ''(leaves)'' :'''Steve:''' I like you, Nicola, I quite like you. But darling, I've gotta ask you, what the bloody hell happened? :'''Nicola:''' Like you asked, we published the crime figures from 2004 up to the last quarter. :'''Steve:''' Yes, up to the last quarter but not up to and ''INCLUDING the last quarter, you dozy mare!'' :'''Nicola:''' 'Up to' includes the thing you're going up to. Right? If you say count up to 20, it means count up to ''and include'' the number 20! :'''Steve:''' The events leading up to the Second World War do ''not'' include the Second World War! :'''Nicola:''' We haven't got time for a semantic argument about this. :''(Malcolm returns.)'' :'''Steve:''' Listen, sweetheart – :'''Nicola:''' ''Do not'' fucking call me sweetheart! :'''Malcolm:''' I think you'll find that Steve was addressing me: the 'tache is a bit of a giveaway. :'''Steve:''' I will draft a statement. :'''Malcolm:''' You fucking will not draft any fucking statement! :'''Steve:''' I've been minding the shop! :'''Malcolm:''' You were fucking minding the shop, and what happened? A bunch of fucking schoolkids came in and fucking dropped their trousers and fucking had a shit in aisle 5! :'''Steve:''' Well thank you for giving us a guided tour around the Freudian nightmare of your head! :'''Nicola:''' Could you two decide between you in which order, and from which direction, I'm gonna be shafted? <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm and Steve are playing a "Tug of War" of sorts for Nicola's attention.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Ignore him. Just come with me. Come into my office. :'''Steve:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Let's deal with the crime stats... :''(But Malcolm successfully brings Nicola into his "office..." and shuts Steve out.)'' :'''Steve:''' (knocking on the door) Come on. Malcolm. Malcolm. MALCOLM! (Steve starts laughing uncomfortably) Sorry about this, everybody. :''(Malcolm is happy to shut out Steve, but he's still visibly annoyed.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Goodbye. Give my regards to the rest of the fucking Village People. :''(But then, Terri knocks on the office door.)'' :'''Terri:''' (outside the door) Sorry, Nicola, Mal--um, excuse me. It's Andy Murray. He's-he's insisting on talking to you. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Talk to him. :'''Nicola:''' What? :'''Malcolm:''' Get him back on board. Fucking talk to him. :'''Nicola:''' NO! :'''Malcolm:''' (whispering) Yes. :'''Nicola:''' You cannot be serious! :'''Malcolm:''' Was that an attempt at a joke? :'''Nicola:''' You told me to kill it! I've killed it! :'''Malcolm:''' Right now, some photos in the papers of a very boring man with tight white shorts on is gonna be a very pleasant distraction from Steve's fucking crime stats abortion. :'''Nicola:''' If we need a fucking celebrity, can we try somebody else? Steve Redgrave. :'''Malcolm:''' He's a boring fuck! :'''Nicola:''' Lewis Hamilton. :'''Malcolm:''' Fucking boring, boring fuck. And fucking drives a car. :'''Nicola:''' Chris Boardman. :'''Malcolm:''' Fucking cyclist! Are you fucking mental? ''Everybody'' hates cyclists! Even fucking cyclists hate fucking cyclists! Plus, ''he's'' a boring fuck! :'''Nicola:''' I cannot... :'''Terri:''' (''still'' outside the office) Paula Radcliffe? :'''Nicola:''' No, she shat in the street! :'''Malcolm:''' And she's a boring fuck as well. :'''Nicola:''' How about we just launch the policy without a celebrity? :'''Malcolm:''' (sarcastically) Oh, great idea. "Hello, there. Hi, everyone. I, Nicola Murray, would like to say to you that even though you don't fucking know me from fucking Adam, I think you should cut down on carbs." <hr width="50%"/> :''(Meanwhile, Steve is trying to turn a negative into a positive. He wants to get Glenn and Ollie to fix the crime stats crisis.)'' :'''Steve:''' Lads, let's get this crime stats cock-up sorted. What have you both got so far? :'''Glenn:''' Well, actually, now we've been trying to think of a replacement for Andy Murray. Some of the women footballers...uh, Jessica Clark, or Sue Smith. Or Faye White. :''(Steve's starts smiling, but he's getting annoyed.)'' :'''Steve:''' I ''cannot believe'' the energy going into Andy Murray! (Starts laughing again) I can't! :''(Steve starts leaving DoSAC.)'' :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' What's his problem. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm is talking on his cell phone while heading to his office.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Just try and wrap your gin-addled brain about this, right? I ''did'' say I was at the heart of government. But when... :''(Steve Fleming is already in Malcolm's office.)'' :'''Steve:''' Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' (on his phone) Excuse me. :'''Steve:''' I need to talk to you. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Steve)'' One second, please. ''(back to his phone)'' Listen, when that...When that incident occurred, I was on holiday. Are you saying to me that my wee caravan's a great fucking waste of time? And my stupid fucking wing mirror extensions? :'''Steve:''' (pointing to the TV) The crime stats and Andy Murray, Malc. It's a double fault. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(answering a knock at his door)'' Listen, if you are not a prostitute or a pizza guy, fuck off! ''(to Steve)'' Steve, listen, could you eat or fuck whatever's at the door on your fucking way out, please? ''(to a colleague)'' No thanks. ''(back on his phone)'' How can I be held responsible? What, for what? I've created a what around the government? I've created a vibe? Listen, son, the only fucking vibe you have to worry about is the one that your wife hides in her knicker drawer. ''(back to Steve)'' I am on top of this, okay? :'''Steve:''' Oh, fine, fine. You know, I'm just saying I'll gladly lend you a hand if you feel the need to keep your head down. :'''Malcolm:''' I don't need to keep my head down, because unlike yourself, I don't give blowjobs to truckers. :''(Another knock at Malcolm's office door...)'' :'''Malcolm:''' I SAID FUCK OFF! :''(The door opens, and -- SURPRISE! It's Julius Nicholson!)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Oh, it's Lord Nicholson! What an enormous pleasure this is! :'''Julius:''' (with a big smile) Well, in fact, it's, um, the Right Honorable the Lord Nicholson of Arnage. And the kissing of feet may commence! :'''Malcolm:''' You got all your stuff ready for your official lording ceremony? Have you got your mink thong and your ermine colostomy bag? :'''Julius:''' No, I don't, no. I have to hire that, unfortunately. I can't wear it on the Tube or the bus, but I would. It would be great larks, but there we go. :'''Steve:''' How about a coffee? Coffee? :'''Julius:''' Well, um, if there's coffee going, I'd never say no to a nice cup of coffee. :'''Malcolm:''' Do you not drink coffee anymore? Is it all port and swan's blood these days? :'''Julius:''' Swan's blood. That does sound nice. No, I'm just sort of passing through, because obviously we need to start booting up this crime stats inquiry. But it's in effect an investigation into the facts. But I thought since I was passing through... :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, but you don't have to talk to me about that, do you? 'Cause I was on my holidays then. Did you get my postcard? :'''Julius:''' Well, I will speak to whomsoever I need to speak to, holiday or no holiday? :'''Malcolm:''' Where did you learn to speak like that? Is there a special school that's just you and Brian Sewell went to? :'''Julius:''' I'm gonna leave you to it, frankly. :'''Malcolm:''' So soon? :'''Steve:''' And I'm gonna make tracks as well, Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' Okay, good to see you both. :''(But just before Steve leaves...)'' :'''Steve:''' ''(to Malcolm, softly)'' The problem is that you are shifting from the man people love to hate to the man people just hate. From [[wikipedia:Simon Cowell|Simon Cowell]] to [[wikipedia:Piers Morgan|Piers Morgan]]. :'''Malcolm:''' See you later, and remember, my door's always open. :''(And when Steve leaves, Malcolm throws part of the bagel sandwich he was eating onto the door in disgust.)'' <hr width="50%"/> :''(Glenn and Ollie are reading stories about Malcolm in the newspapers.)'' :'''Ollie:''' I had no idea, no idea that it was Malcolm who drafted Fleming's resignation letter in 2003. :'''Glenn:''' I forgot your political memory only goes back two issues of [[The Economist]]. :'''Ollie:''' Hey! There's a reference to you here, Cullen. :'''Glenn:''' Where? :'''Ollie:''' 'Alleged to have assaulted an elderly aide at a party conference.' :'''Glenn:''' Elderly aide? :'''Ollie:''' Elderly aide. :'''Glenn:''' God, that makes me sound like a fucking stairlift! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm sees Nicola outside his office.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Hey, [[wikipedia:Dora the Explorer|Dora the Explorer]]. :'''Nicola:''' (sighing) Still here, then, Malcolm? :'''Malcolm:''' Time for a milky drink? Come on. Come on in. I wanna have a word with you. :''(Nicola reluctantly comes into Malcolm's office...)'' :'''Malcolm:''' There you go. How was Cabinet? Was it good? Is Tom looking after you? :'''Nicola:''' You're all over the newspapers like a pissing puppy, Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' Well, I think you'll find that's what we masters of the dark arts call a blip. Tomorrow that will all be old news. It'll be like the fucking [[wikipedia:The War of the Roses|War of the Roses]]. Or [[wikipedia:AIDS|AIDS]]. Remember AIDS? Listen, Nicola, see that? Did Julius mention to you about his inquiry? :'''Nicola:''' Yeah. :'''Malcolm:''' The inquiry into the whole fucking crime stats cock-up? :'''Nicola:''' Yeah. :'''Malcolm:''' You know the phone call that came through to me from your office? You know, about the whole idea? :'''Nicola:''' Yeah, yeah. :'''Malcolm:''' It didn't happen, right? :'''Nicola:''' You want me to cover your back? :'''Malcolm:''' I want you to get the old inquiry screen out and slap it on, fucking factor 50, why not? Listen, I'll tell you what. This is what I'll do. I will get for you some really good press attention for your fucking Healthy Choices nonsense. How about that? I'll get you some big fucking healthy headlines. :'''Nicola:''' You're in no position to give me anything. You're not -- you can't even get a fucking bagel cleaned up off your door. Do you mind? :''(Nicola gets ready to leave Malcolm's office, but he's still trying to talk to her.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' What? Do you think I can't get it up anymore? Is that it? You're looking at fucking Lazarus, sweetheart. And not just plain Lazarus. I'm fucking self-raising Lazarus, right? <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm has organised positive press coverage of DoSAC's Healthy Lifestyles policy)'' :'''Glenn:''' Well done Malcolm. :'''Ollie:''' He's very impressive, isn't he? In the way that, you know, [[Mao Zedong|Chairman Mao]] was actually quite impressive. :'''Glenn:''' Well that's the thing about the evil, isn't it, their amazing work ethic. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' How are the hacks? :'''Steve:''' Ready to eat their own cocks. :'''Malcolm:''' They're only journalists, Steve, not fucking [[wikipedia:Rangers_F.C.|Rangers]] supporters. :'''Steve:''' I know they are. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well, I need 10 minutes. I need to google some jokes about Andy Murray. :'''Steve:''' Shall I go first? :'''Malcolm:''' Warm them up. Tell them [[wikipedia:Laurence Olivier|Olivier]] is on his way, but in the meantime, here's an audience with [[wikipedia:Peter Bowles|Peter fucking Bowles]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''(A short time later, Malcolm spots Julius again.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Oh, there he is. Screaming Lord Crutch. I like the flunkies, by the way. That's a very nice touch. It's a wee bit [[wikipedia:Graham Norton|Graham Norton]]. :'''Julius:''' Don't needle me, Malcolm. Not when people are under scrutiny. :'''Malcolm:''' ''I'm'' under scrutiny? :'''Julius:''' Yes. :'''Malcolm:''' I'm fucking Nosferatu. That's really fucking scary. :'''Julius:''' (unimpressed) I'm walking on. We're moving on. I'm Ian Botham. I'm walking on for hospice care. :''(And then, Malcolm sees Nicola...and he sneaks over to her when nobody's looking.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' How's it going with Lord Bonnie Longford? :'''Nicola:''' I've not been in yet. I've just been standing here for 20 minutes. :'''Malcolm:''' So IF this phone call does come up... :'''Julius''' (Seeing what Malcolm's up to) No! No, that's not... :'''Nicola:''' You're nothing if not persistent, are you, Malcolm? :''(Julius breaks up the conversation.)'' :'''Julius:''' Don't do that! I made it quite clear... :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Julius)'' I was standing over there and I thought, "Nicola's choking." But she wasn't. She was laughing, retrospectively, at your massive shiny head. ''(to Steve)'' Oh, what happened? Did you get heckled off? What was the line? "Taxi for [[Tom Selleck]]!" :'''Steve:''' Yeah. Could I have a quick word? Just...just five minutes. :''(Steve takes Malcolm into the office to have a private chat.)'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Steve:''' So, Malcolm, mate. :'''Malcolm:''' What is it? What's...What's the problem? You look like you fucking coughed up your own twin. :''(An awkward silence...)'' :'''Malcolm:''' No, no, no, no...I need to talk to Tom. :'''Steve:''' No, Tom isn't immediately available to you. :'''Malcolm:''' Fuck off. :'''Steve:''' Malcolm, the Prime Minister respects you enormously. :'''Malcolm:''' (on his cell phone) Sam, get a hold of Pat, right... :''(But then, Malcolm's cell phone shuts off.)'' :'''Steve:''' Actually, I'm gonna need that. That's an official Blackberry. :'''Malcolm:''' (answering a door knock) Fuck off! :''(Julius enters the office.)'' :'''Julius:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Right. Your five minutes starts now. :'''Malcolm:''' Fuck off. :'''Steve:''' ''(to Julius)'' This is an acutely private moment, Julius. Would it seem terribly rude if I asked you to ''shit off'' for five minutes? :'''Julius:''' Yes, it would. :''(And now, Nicola enters the office.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Can you fuck off as well? :'''Nicola:''' ''(to Julius)'' Julius, what -- ''(to Malcolm)'' Sorry, excuse me? ''(back to Julius)'' Julius, what is the deal? :'''Julius:''' At ''the moment'', Malcolm is getting ''The Sack.'' :'''Nicola:''' (stunned) Shit. Now? Literally? I mean, in -- I'm actually in the sacking? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Yeah, well, let's see what the fucking Prime Minister has to say about that! Huh? Let's see what he has to say! :'''Steve:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Listen to me a minute! The Prime Minister supports you fully in whatever you decide to do next. :''(Steve presents Malcolm with a pen and paper, in effect asking for his resignation.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' You. Fucking Nicola. Right, tell them. Fucking tell them that there was no fucking phone call. ''(beat)'' Speak! I fucking ask you, speak! Open Sesame! :'''Nicola:''' I'm not, I'm not here, Malcolm. I'm not... :'''Malcolm:''' You are fucking here! :'''Nicola:''' I'm not seeing this. :'''Malcolm:''' Open your fucking mouth for once and say something! :'''Nicola:''' I'm not getting involved. :'''Malcolm:''' You fucking speak! You've always fucking got something to say! :'''Nicola:''' I'm only a Cabinet Minister! :'''Malcolm:''' Fuck off, then! :''(Nicola runs out of Number 10.)'' :'''Steve:''' Malc, Malc – :'''Malcolm:''' Don't fucking touch me! :'''Steve:''' Come on, Malc! :'''Malcolm:''' You cannot fuck me! You cannot fuck me! I am unfuckable! I have never been fucked! And if you fucking try and fuck me, you'll find my fucking arse will fucking grow fucking fangs! :'''Steve:''' Yeah, all right, now come and listen to me! Will you listen to me – :'''Malcolm:''' And fucking snap your fucking cock off – :'''Steve:''' MALCOLM TUCKER, WILL YOU LISTEN TO ME?! :'''Malcolm:''' Go right ahead. Yeah, let's hear it, let's hear it. :'''Steve:''' Listen to me for one second. :'''Malcolm:''' Go right ahead. :'''Steve:''' I wouldn't tell ''you'' what I've just told you ''before'' I'd told the press pack, would I? That would be very very unprofessional. So there's no point in getting angry because the show's over. It's curtains. No curtain call. Everyone ''loved'' the show, but it just wasn't ''buttering'' any ''parsnips'' ANYMORE, BROTHER! :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. You don't have the fucking balls, apart from that great inflated fucking ball on the fucking end of your fucking neck. :'''Steve:''' (looking at the TV behind Malcolm) Ooh, look. Oh... :''(Malcolm's resignation is now the big story on BBC News.)'' :'''Steve:''' (whispering softly) "Malcolm Tucker resigns..." Looks pretty factual to me. :'''Malcolm:''' Fuck this. Fuck this. Fuck you all. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm is now chasing himself into Steve's office!)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Get back to fucking ''[[wikipedia:The Wind in the Willows|Wind in the Willows]]'', 'cause that's where you fucking belong! :'''Steve:''' I didn't ask you to -- I didn't ask you to come back in. Would you leave my office, please? :'''Malcolm:''' I'm not fucking gonna waste my breath on you. :''(And now, Malcolm is marching his way towards Julius! Yelling and cursing along the way!)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Julius)'' As for you... :'''Julius:''' Malcolm, I am sick to death -- You can explain -- :''(Malcolm puts his hands on Julius and pins him up against a door!)'' :'''Julius:''' Don't TOUCH me, Malcolm! :'''Malcolm:''' I'll fucking touch you if I like! :'''Julius:''' Because I'll tell you this, man! :'''Malcolm:''' You'll tell me WHAT? :'''Julius:''' YOU shafted me, boy! :''(Julius fights back and puts his hand on Malcolm!)'' :'''Julius:''' I'll fucking strike you, Malcolm! :'''Malcolm:''' Don't you fucking touch me! :'''Julius:''' I warn you! :'''Malcolm:''' Don't touch that scarf! That's Paul Smith! Twat! ''(to somebody else)'' MOVE! :''(Malcolm is finally leaving Good Ol' Number 10.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' YOU WILL SEE ME AGAIN! (Malcolm heads towards the door.) You will fucking see me again! ''(He leaves Number 10.)'' <hr width="50%"/> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Marianne Swift:''' So all this is homemade, is it? :'''Malcolm:''' Of course it is! Look, I mean, this is going to be like [[wikipedia:Jamie_at_Home|Jamie at Home]], right, except I'm not going to be bouncing around spouting Cockney drivel out of my fat, lisping, ox face. <hr width="50%"/> :''(deleted scene)'' :''(thinking about options other than Andy Murray for the Healthy Eating launch)'' :'''Terri:''' What about [[wikipedia:Lynda_Bellingham|Lynda Bellingham]]? :'''Ollie:''' Yes, that'd be convincing, 'Eat less salt', says [[wikipedia:Oxo_(food)#Marketing|the dancing Oxo lady]], good idea. No one from [[wikipedia:Calendar_Girls_(play)|the stage show of Calendar Girls]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''(deleted scene)'' :''(Reading stories about Malcolm in the newspapers)'' :'''Glenn:''' I forgot your political memory only goes back two issues of The Economist. :'''Ollie:''' That's right, Glenn, you'll have to hold my hand through this complicated world: some of us weren't up the Acropolis the day that you and [[Roy Jenkins]] invented democracy. :'''Terri:''' Oh my God. Did you know that he'd been some kind of womaniser? :'''Ollie:''' You wanna check the Sun, they've got a woman who claims he womanised her three times in a day at the gazebo at Chequers. Front, back, and in the gallery, as I understand it. ==Series 3, Episode 8== :''(At DoSAC, Glenn and Ollie can't get over Malcolm Tucker's resignation.)'' :'''Glenn:''' You know, I just can't quite believe this. I mean, this is the single most shocking thing I've seen in politics since the SDP. I thought he'd at least go out with a bang or a killing spree. :'''Ollie:''' I always imagined he'd just shout so hard his lungs would come up and choke him to death. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Over at Opposition HQ, however, Malcolm's departure is being celebrated by Peter Mannion and his team.)'' :'''Peter:''' End of an era! :'''Emma:''' Yeah, a really shit era though, isn't it? :'''Phil:''' ''(cheering)'' WHOO! :'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' Oh, f-- Calm down! :'''Phil:''' Balrog's dead! I mean, that's it. I mean, they're done. I mean, no one can replace him. It's like when Queen lost [[wikipedia:Freddie Mercury|Freddie]]. You know. Certainly not [[wikipedia:Paul Rodgers|Paul Rodgers]]. :''(Stewart Pearson, however, wants no part of the festivities. He wants everyone to get back to business.)'' :'''Stewart:''' All right, everyone. That's the two seconds of respect due to him. Now get back to your desks and do something, okay? ''(to a female worker)'' Not the sofa! Who are you, Lorraine Kelly? Get out here and do something! If you've nothing to do, leave, because you're clearly surplus to requirements! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Steve is at DoSAC, trying to gently assure everyone that everything's alright.)'' :'''Steve:''' Um, lads and lasses! ''(He laughs)'' Please, just a quick word. Thank you. Really, it's just a hand-hold to set the tone for a slightly re-jigged regime. I've done all the important departments, and now I've got to you. ''(He laughs again)'' Seriously, I've done that joke everywhere, but, uh, even with the genuinely big departments. So I'm not -- ''(imitating gun fire)'' -- aiming at you in any sort of a snide way. I'm just checking that we're all at the very top of our games. ''(Steve then looks at Glenn, who's looking at his cell phone.)'' Glenn, mate? :'''Glenn:''' Sorry. :'''Steve:''' Are you on top of your game? :'''Glenn:''' I am -- I am ''above'' my game. I-I'm in a geo-stationary orbit, way above it, looking down and going, "Hello, game, it's Glenn!" :'''Steve:''' (laughing) Right! You know, there's an election looming. This is quite a serious time. We need to be aware of that. (Steve points in Glenn's direction, smiling) But I love humor, and that was good humor. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm is at home with a man going through alternative career options.)'' :'''Man:''' Do you want to swim the Channel for [[wikipedia:Scope_(charity)|Scope]]? :'''Malcolm:''' No! :'''Man:''' Do you want to do ''[[wikipedia:Dragons'_Den_(UK_TV_series)|Dragon's Den]]'' for ''[[wikipedia:Children_in_Need|Children in Need]]''? :'''Malcolm:''' I'd rather fuck a real dragon. :'''Man:''' Would you consider promoting a politically themed restaurant? :'''Malcolm:''' How does that – how does that even work? Oh fuck no, I don't care. :'''Man:''' Would you like to write a children's book, called 'The Angry Spider'? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Steve:''' So, everything: Good. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, you know, a bit of instability with Malcolm gone, a sort of sense of Post – you know, Psychotic Twats Disorder, but – :'''Steve:''' No no, listen, I understand, but you know, right now, you're all emerging from the cellar – pleased that the beatings have stopped - scared of what the future might hold, but long-term, I think we're all going to be okay. Pep talk, over! Return to your desks, and prepare for government. :'''Ollie:''' We're in government. :'''Steve:''' ''(smiling, but clearly annoyed)'' Well then, prepare to ''stay'' in government. :'''Ollie:''' Oh right. How do we do that? :'''Glenn:''' We pack an overnight bag. :'''Steve:''' ''(apoplectic) Will you '''PLEASE, FUCKING WELL –''' (Steve immediately composes himself, and lets out a forced laugh)'' I'm sorry, I've lost my temper! Where is it? Where is it? Oh, no, I've found it again. It's alright. :'''Ollie:''' Always in the last place you look, eh? :'''Nicola:''' ''(to Steve)'' So, can I...? :'''Steve:''' Yeah. :'''Nicola:''' Great. :'''Steve:''' Uh, actually, can I have a word with you, Nicky, please? :'''Nicola:''' Yeah. Nicola. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Steve wants to talk to Nicola in her office about the upcoming election...and he's standing a bit too close for her comfort.)'' :'''Steve:''' I just wanted to check. Obviously, Dan Miller's cabal is going house to house through the cabinet looking for numbskulls stupid enough to resign to trigger his elevation to the throne. :'''Nicola:''' ''(nodding)'' Obviously. :'''Steve:''' What I need to know is are you solid? :'''Nicola:''' Yeah, I am completely -- I am solid as, as the proverbial. As-as a rock. As a rock-hard...as a sailor's wang on shore leave. :'''Steve:''' ''(very pleased)'' Superb. You really are the potty mouth, aren't you? :'''Nicola:''' ''(chuckling)'' Well, a lot to do. :''(After Steve leaves her office, Nicola calls out to Glenn & Ollie.)'' :'''Nicola:''' Ollie, Glenn, in here now. Quick, quick, quick. :''(Glenn approaches the office while taking off his glasses.)'' :'''Nicola:''' Oh Glenn! Don't faff around with your glasses, I know you take them off every time you come in here. It's not impressive. ''(to Glenn and Ollie)'' What do we know about the anti-Tom cabal? Why have I not been contacted by them? :'''Glenn:''' Well, um, uh... :'''Ollie:''' Because it would be you...uh, you're seen very much as an individual around the, uh... :'''Nicola:''' ''(embarrassed)'' That's bollocks, isn't it? It's 'cause I'm the girl at the party nobody wants to dance with. I'm the freak in the corner with a pint of cider and blackcurrant and the funny eye. :'''Ollie:''' No no. I-I mean, it's...You know, it a big, big Rolodex full of numbers. I'm sure... :'''Nicola:''' ''(to both Glenn & Ollie)'' Thank you. You may go. :'''Glenn:''' ''(stammering)'' We st-We still would like to dance with you. :'''Nicola:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Oh, fuck off. Go and put your glasses back on. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm is watching the nightly TV news at home when, all of a sudden, his cell phone rings...)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Hello, Phillip Schofield, I fuck lobsters for money. :''(Somebody is telling Malcolm something important.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Oh? <hr width="50%"/> :''(Julius Nicholson is trying to persuade Malcolm Tucker to return as the two of them are sharing an Indian take-away meal.)'' :'''Julius:''' Take the rice first. :'''Malcolm:''' Thank you. :'''Julius:''' Um, I want you to be very clear, Malc, about why it is that I brought you in. Do you know what hat it is that I'm wearing? :'''Malcolm:''' Is it your baldy swimming cap wig? :'''Julius:''' No, it is my government troubleshooter stetson, which is a long way from my homburg of sober inquiry. :'''Malcolm:''' Do you know that I'm thinking of doing a television program? :'''Julius:''' Well, I had heard something on the grapevine. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, it's good. You know that program ''[[wikipedia:Civilisation|Civilisation]]'' with Kenneth Clarke? :'''Julius:''' Oh, yes. :'''Malcolm:''' It's gonna be like that, except with fucking more quim, you know? It's me, Simon Schama and Alan Yentob in a cage, fucking lump hammer each, whacking the shit out of each other. The last man standing wins a fucking [[wikipedia:Ford Focus|Ford Focus]]. :'''Julius:''' The thing is, Malcolm, your departure has basically precipitated a call-to-arms, in effect. We have it on reasonably good authority that there are between three to four cabinet ministers who are disgruntled and are planning a mass resignation. And that means, very simply, a Dan Miller coronation. And as my nephew would say, "This shit just got real." :'''Malcolm:''' Your nephew? :'''Julius:''' Yeah, he's at Charterhouse. Only a day boy, not a boarder. Anyway, the fact is it has to be stopped. Um...There have been a number of ideas being tossed around. And one of them is...would you be prepared to come back? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(in disbelief)'' Are you out of your tiny, shiny fucking mind? :'''Julius:''' Look, we can do this simply. :''(Julius picks up four colored pencils.)'' :'''Julius:''' Step 1: Are you interested? Of course you are. ''(Julius drops a pencil)'' Step 2: Will you come back? Yes? ''(He drops another pencil)'' Superb. Step 3, and this is the important step: Will you use your considerable influence to destroy the cabal? Can I drop it down? ''(Julius drops down that pencil, too)'' Fan-dabi-dozi! Step 4: It's party time. Let's tool up with basmati rice and...Wahey! :'''Malcolm:''' ''(rightfully confused)'' You're asking me -- to come back here and mop up the fucking splatter from my own assassination? :'''Julius:''' You know where the bodies are buried. And we'll just say you're coming back to advise, it's election strategy, it's not a day-to-day government business role. :'''Malcolm:''' I can't come back again unless I know that I'm in the clear in your report. :'''Julius:''' I'm not in a position to discuss that; not with my current hat on. However, would I be sat here now if the man in the other hat—which is also me—wasn't sure that everyone involved in this inquiry didn't come out relatively well? :'''Malcolm:''' And what about Steve Fleming, yeah? You schizo hat fuck? :'''Julius:''' Let me put it this way: You see this onion bhaji? Let us pretend for a minute that this onion bhaji is the problems that would be caused by a report that criticised you or Steve Fleming. Hmm? Watch. ''(Julius takes a bite of the bhaji.)'' You see what I’m doing? I’m eating.. the onion bhaji. ''(He eats the rest of the bhaji.)'' Why? Because I am the man that makes the bhaji go away. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Steve approaches Julius while he's feeding ducks)'' :'''Steve:''' The rain in Spain stays mainly on the plain. :'''Julius:''' Well, actually, that is a popular misconception because what happens is the rain falls just before the mountain ridge, but they wouldn't want you to know that because it would spoil the rhyme. :'''Steve:''' Julius, what's up, Boo Boo? ''(both laugh)'' :'''Julius:''' Not much, I'm just feeding some victuals to these poor old ducks. That red-crested pochard there is positively ''hoggish'' with this Hovis. :'''Steve:''' I heard certain rumblings that I don't come out terribly well in this report of yours. Off the record, matey, am I fucked? :'''Julius:''' Off the record, and this is strictly between you, me and that ornamental gatepost over there, of course; the report is strictly confidential until publication. Haha, do you see what I've done there? The bald man has done a funny. :'''Steve:''' It's not funny. No, it's not funny at all, Julius. :'''Julius:''' ''(continuing to laugh)'' I beg to differ. I think I'm on sparkling form. :'''Steve:''' ''For '''fuck's''' sake!'' You ''FUCKING... Pontius'' Pilate, with the emphasis on '''''PONCE!''''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Glenn:''' ''(reading a headline about Steve and Julius on'' Times Online'')'' 'Care to do another draft, Sir Whitewash?' :'''Ollie:''' What have ''The Mirror'' got? :'''Terri:''' 'Give us the bald facts?' Oh it's very rude that, isn't it: I was always taught never to make personal remarks about people. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Glenn:''' OK, listen up everybody, that was Gavin over at Number 10. He reckons that Steve Fleming has just joined the cabal. :'''Everyone:''' Ooh! :'''Terri:''' That's a complete disaster, there'll be nothing else on television for weeks. :'''Ollie:''' Where's Malcolm? Where's the dark knight in all this? :'''Glenn:''' Malcolm will have grabbed his false passport by now, he'll be on a plane to Brazil, and he's about to spend the rest of his days being [[wikipedia:Marathon_Man_(film)|the world's scariest dentist]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nicola:''' Hello. You all right? You've got that 'cock in the cookie jar' look. :'''Ollie:''' He's back. :'''Nicola:''' Who? Barrymore? :'''Ollie:''' No. :'''Nicola:''' Clement Attlee? ''(realises)'' Oh fuck! :'''Ollie:''' Yes. :'''Nicola:''' Malcolm. :'''Ollie:''' Yes. :'''Nicola:''' Oh, no. God, he's gonna kill me. I was there when he was being sacked and he asked me for help, and I held out and now he's gonna want revenge isn't he? Fuck, fuck, fuck, it's gonna be like 'Kill Bill' or 'Get Carter', only it's gonna be 'Get and kill Nicola and then get Carter and Bill to fucking kill her too'! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nicola:''' Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' Hey Nicola! How are you doing? :'''Nicola:''' You're back. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah I'm just, you know, tying up a few loose ends. :'''Nicola:''' With which you're going to plait some kind of garotte and strangle me. :'''Malcolm:''' Forgive and forget. That's my motto. :'''Nicola:''' I thought your motto was '[[wikipedia:Who_Dares_Wins|Who fucks wins]]' or '[[wikipedia:Honi_soit_qui_mal_y_pense|Honi soit qui Malc y fuck]]'. :'''Malcolm:''' I've got a lot of mottos. Don't take that job, Nicola. :'''Nicola:''' God, Malcolm – :'''Malcolm:''' The anti-Tom brigade are just waiting for the first piece to fall. If you resign, it's political fucking Jenga. You will cause a landslide that will ''bury'' this Government. And you'll keep the party in opposition until Daniel Radcliffe is advertising walk-in baths in the fucking [[wikipedia:The_People's_Friend|People's Friend]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Julius:''' You... :'''Malcolm:''' Julius! :'''Julius:''' ...are a naughty bastard! :'''Malcolm:''' ''(Holding up Julius' report)'' Best thing I've read all year. It's the only thing, mind you. :'''Julius:''' You've done some pretty awful things to me in my time, but this takes the bloody biscuit. And you've pissed on that biscuit and I've got to eat it. Well, here's the news, Malcolm, I will not eat the pissy biscuit! :'''Malcolm:''' Sam, no pissy biscuits. ''(to Julius)'' What are you going on about, Julius? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' Are you off to clear your desk, Steve? Don't forget your lucky [[wikipedia:Gonk|gonk]], and your "World's Shittiest Dad" mug. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Steve:''' I'm going to resign from the Cabinet. And then, I'm going to join Dan Miller's team. ''(beat)'' I think we need a new leader. ''(walks off)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(following)'' Steve! :'''Steve:''' Oh, no, no, no! :'''Malcolm:''' Steve, don't you ever take up fucking poker, 'cause you're a crap liar. :'''Steve:''' I am gonna join Dan Miller's team and then we are gonna take you down; we are gonna take you down to funky town! ''Funky Town Centre, here you come!'' ''CHOO FUCKING CHOO!'' :'''Malcolm:''' Is this what you're threatening me with, fucking disco lights and a fucking choo-choo train? You're a joke, Steve! :'''Steve:''' ''(laughing)'' There's nothing you can do! :'''Malcolm:''' Steve! :'''Steve:''' Yeah? :'''Malcolm:''' There's ''one'' thing I can do! :'''Steve:''' What are you gonna do? :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, wouldn't you like to know! :'''Steve:''' Who are you gonna meet? Who's your meeting with? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(walking off)'' Bye-bye! :'''Steve:''' ''I'M NOT FUCKING WORRIED, MATE!'' ''(walks down the corridor)'' Fuck him! Fuck him! Fuck him! Fuck him! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stewart:''' All right now, listen up, my children of a lesser god, you will find a file marked 'Snap Election Drill' on the J drive. And if you don't know how to access the J drive, hand your pass in at reception, go and buy some silver body paint, and pretend to be a robot on the [[wikipedia:South_Bank|South Bank]]. Fly my pretties, fly! :''(Suddenly, Phil's cell phone rings.)'' :'''Phil:''' Stewart! Stewart, The Fucker's downstairs. :'''Stewart:''' No, no, no. He's not downstairs, but if he were, I'd know about it, and if I knew about it, I would have vetoed it. Okay? :'''Emma:''' He is, and he is complete poison. :'''Peter:''' Ah, The Fucker! ''(to Stewart)'' And you thought he was just a myth created to frighten naughty MPs into eating all their truffles and swan. :'''Stewart:''' Watch my lips. Cal Richards is not here. :''(But Cal Richards IS there...and he's headed their way.)'' :'''Stewart:''' Cal! :'''Cal Richards:''' Hello. :'''Stewart:''' Hi. :'''Cal:''' Hi, Stewart. :'''Stewart:''' Good to see you. I didn't know about this. JB didn't say anything. :'''Cal:''' Hello, everyone. I just wanted it to be a surprise. :''(Cal shakes hands with Peter, Phil and Emma while he's talking to Stewart.)'' :'''Stewart:''' Yeah, why are you...why are you here? :'''Cal:''' Well, mate, I just thought I'd check in with the intellectual powerhouse of the party. That's all. That's why I'm here. :'''Stewart:''' Right. Well, if you want to step in the office, yeah, I'll dismiss the children and we can talk. :'''Cal:''' No. 'Cause I'm kidding, aren't I? No, because I've come here to tell you that you're fucking sacked. :'''Peter:''' (thrilled) Halle-bloody-lujah! :''(A look of doom comes over Stewart's face...)'' :'''Phil:''' Should I escort Stewart from the building, then, Cal? :'''Emma:''' Philip, Don't be such a fucking turncoat. :'''Cal:''' Yes, Philip, excellent idea. And while you're there, could you do me another favour, please? Could you find a hostel, go there, and take a fucking overdose of barbiturates? :''(Emma chuckles at Cal's request.)'' :'''Stewart:''' Yeah, right. Okay, well, I'm not fired. You can't fire me, Cal, so shall we just cut to the chase? Hmm? :'''Cal:''' (pretending to talk like a baby) "Aw, you can't fire me, Cal, 'cause you're..." Gotcha! I'm kidding. Of course you're not fired. Look at your face. :'''Stewart:''' (smiling, but not amused) Funny. :'''Peter:''' I'm sensing a change in management styles here from touchy-feely to smashy-testes. :'''Cal:''' No, okay, joking aside, I'm just an impartial observer. Quite partial, obviously. So, uh, take it away, [[wikipedia:Captain Mainwaring|Captain Mainwaring]]. :'''Stewart:''' ''(to the crowd)'' All right, folks, listen up. We have three key targets when we are smart-bombing our beloved PM and they are: The deficit, unemployment, lack of leadership. Get onto the J drive, you'll find key... :''(And then suddenly -- Cal EXPLODES!)'' :'''Cal:''' ''FUCK, THAT IS BRILLIANT!!'' THAT IS INSPIRED! WHAT SAUCE! GET IN! [[wikipedia:It's_the_economy,_stupid|IT'S THE ''ECONOMY'', STEWPOT]]! Fuck, what I REALLY need to do is to shoot you all in the back of the head! ''(imitating a gun)'' FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! But I can't, because it's illegal! :''(Then, Cal calms back down again.)'' :'''Cal:''' Okay, I'd like a small cappuccino, two extra shots, please. I think we've got a long night ahead of us. ''(to Stewart)'' Come on! :'''Stewart:''' ''(to Cal)'' I'm coming. ''(to Peter)'' Better the devil you know, huh? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Terri''' ''(on the phone)'': I think we're just playing it in the wrong key. It's when we go, ''(sings at a low pitch)'' 'Red and yellow and blue' – :'''Nicola:''' What's she talking about? :'''Ollie:''' Oh. She's putting on her annual production of ''[[wikipedia:Joseph_and_the_Amazing_Technicolor_Dreamcoat|Joseph]]'', in Hemel Hempstead. She doesn't license it ever because she considers ''Joseph'' to be public domain. :'''Terri:''' But I need to just pitch it a little higher. More like, ''(sings at a much higher pitch)'' 'Red and yellow and blue and green' – :'''Glenn:''' She's directing it. And starring. :'''Ollie:''' As Jacob. :'''Nicola:''' With a beard? :'''Ollie:''' Well, one assumes with a beard. Maybe she'll just let herself go for a couple of weeks, see what happens. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm Tucker and Cal Richards are giving pre-election pep talks to their respective parties)'' :'''Malcolm:''' I know what people say to you, right? They say: 'We hate you. I hate you, I hate you, I hate you.' Everybody hates you. So fucking what? Some people, they just fucking love to hate. Some people, they'd fucking walk around the fucking Garden of Eden fucking moaning about the lack of fucking mobile reception. These are the kind of fucks who watched ''Mandela'' – fucking Nelson Mandela – walk to freedom, and said 'Is ''[[wikipedia:Diagnosis:_Murder|Diagnosis: Murder]]'' not on the other side?' So we fucking forget about them. :'''Cal:''' This government has run this country into the ground. This used to be a [[wikipedia:And_did_those_feet_in_ancient_time#"Green_and_pleasant_Land"|green and pleasant land]], now it's the colour of the fucking BBC Weather map. It looks like anaemic dogshit. :'''Malcolm:''' JB, Cal Richards, and their ''hordes'' of fucking robots, they're coming over the hill, towards us! And all you have got to do is this: bend down, pick up any fucking weapon you can, and ''twat'' the fuckery out of them – :'''Cal:''' This government is maimed, but it can't be shamed. It will. Be. FUCKED! :'''Malcolm:''' Let's get out there, and let's fucking kill them, LET'S SET FIRE TO TEARS! Let's go! ''(all applaud and cheer)'' Come on! Let's go, yes! :'''Cal:''' OK, let's get going. :'''Phil''' ''(to Emma)'': What do we do? :'''Cal:''' ''(on an office phone)'' What do I call for an outside line? :'''Emma:''' That was great, wasn't it? :'''Phil:''' What do we do? :'''Cal:''' Is it 9, 'cause that's what it is everywhere else? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cal:''' ''(to an anonymous Opposition member of staff)'' Stop saying "Abingdon" to me, I want a fucking chocolate biscuit!<hr width="50%" /> :'''Peter:''' Yeah, for the first time in a decade, I can feel the old dog twitching to life. :'''Phil''' ''(Chinese accent)'': 'So sorry me! This election give me an erection.' :'''Peter:''' The old dog I was referring to was me. <hr width="50%"/> :''(All DoSAC staff are leaving because of the election)'' :'''Terri:''' See you, Nicola! ''(to herself)'' Or not.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Ollie:''' Is this good, all this panic? I haven't seen ''[[Snakes on a Plane]]'', but I imagine this is pretty much how people would react on finding their plane was brimming with snakes. :'''Nicola:''' Except Malcolm is the snakes, isn't he? I mean, this is more ''Snakes Not on a Plane''.<hr width="50%" />''(deleted scene)'' :'''Malcolm''' ''(walking into Steve's office)'': Steve! Look! I've made an unexpected comeback. Like [[wikipedia:Noel_Edmonds|Noel Edmonds]] or secondary cancer. :'''Steve Fleming:''' Don't get any ideas, Malcolm. I can cut you loose any time I like; I can toss you aside like an unwanted [[wikipedia:Panettone|panettone]], which, I warn you, is ''most'' panettones.<hr width="50%" />''(deleted scene)'' :'''Cal Richards''' ''(giving his pre-election pep talk)'': Remember, this government is like going out with Madonna: at first you think, 'Result'; now we wake up every morning to see an increasingly crazed, craggy-faced egomaniac who jumps on every fucking passing bandwagon.<hr width="50%" />''(deleted scene)'' :'''Terri''' ''(leaving an answerphone message)'': If you have any political enquiries, at any time, 24 hours a day, Oliver Reeder and Glenn Cullen will take – :'''Ollie:''' 24 hours a day? Fuck off. No, we're political advisors, we're not fucking prostitutes. :'''Terri:''' Well, you've spoilt it now. ==Series 4, Episode 1== :''(At the start of this episode, Peter Mannion is headed to the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship -- DoSAC, for short. He is talking on his cell phone to his wife. Today's their wedding anniversary.)'' :'''Peter:''' No, of course I know it's our anniversary. What do you think the card was for? ''(Peter's wife said something to him.)'' I left it on the kitchen table. :''(Peter's wife may not have seen the card.)'' :'''Peter:''' Oh, right. My bad, as they say.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Terri:''' You're a very tidy man, aren't you? :'''Phil:''' 'There's no happiness without order.' It's a Nazi quote, but nonetheless stands the test of time.<hr width="50%" /> :''(We now find out that Peter has a partner at DoSAC in the "Coalition Government.")'' :'''Peter:''' ''(still on his cell phone with his wife.)'' Well, I can't leave before my Coalition partner. Fergus, I told you. (And now, poor Peter's cranky.) Well, I say partner. He's Lewis, I'm Morse. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Peter's partner at DoSAC is Junior MP Fergus Williams. Fergus and his advisor, Adam Kenyon, are proudly getting ready to launch a policy they created, called Silicon Playgrounds.)'' :'''Adam Kenyon:''' I hate to ask, but I've got to ask. Are you ready for today, Fergus? :'''Fergus Williams:''' Yeah. Somewhat. :'''Adam:''' Silicon Playgrounds are -- is -- go. :'''Fergus:''' I just hope Mannion can keep his baccy-stained fingers out of it. :'''Adam:''' Don't worry about Mannion. He's allergic to the 21st century. :'''Fergus:''' Yeah, he didn't like the 20th much and the 19th makes him fart papyrus. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Peter:''' ''(STILL on the phone with his wife...)'' Well, we could celebrate it another time. I mean, technically, and thrillingly, it'll be our anniversary all year! ''(Suddenly, Peter sees the rest of the team coming.)'' Oh, sorry darling, I've gotta go, I think the bailiffs are coming to take away my will to live.<hr width="50%" /> :''(Peter, Fergus, Adam, Phil and Terri join Emma and Stewart in the Meeting Room to discuss Silicon Playgrounds.)'' :'''Stewart:''' Okay, folks, today's headline in Copperplate Gothic Bold, font 72, is: Emma and I broke the fast this a.m. with the PM. :'''Emma:''' And it is a massive yes. So our Silicon Playground initiative is going to be the standard bearer for the Networked Nation. It is a double, double win. :'''Stewart:''' Yes, a double win for both babies of the Coalition, yeah? :'''Emma:''' Absolutely. :'''Stewart:''' (happily) It's "win squared!" :'''Peter:''' Terrific. Right, shall we do a Mexican wave round the table? :'''Fergus:''' From my P.O.V., re all this, big hurrah. We're ready to upload, i.e. let's launch the fucker. :'''Stewart:''' Great, I'm registering your energy, Fergus, but we've decided it's going to be launched by...the Secretary of State for Social Affairs and Citizenship. :''(Fergus and Adam are understandably upset about not being able to launch their policy...but Peter is actually a little MORE upset.)'' :'''Peter:''' (moaning) ''Ohhh...All my gallstones have come at once.'' :'''Fergus:''' Are you fucking serious? :'''Adam:''' What is wrong with you people? Peter can't even right-click a fucking mouse. :'''Phil:''' Well, he can, it's track pads he has a problem with. :'''Adam:''' ''(to Stewart)'' No. No, you come in here like Dr. Robotnik and say, "Oh, I'm sorry." We put in the graft on this. You can't just take it off us. :'''Stewart:''' Oh, I think we can. You see... :'''Emma:''' We can. :'''Stewart:''' You see, Coalition's like a band, guys, yeah, and every band has a frontman. [[Florence and the Machine|He's Florence and you're – well, you're The Machine.]] :''(Then, Glenn Cullen, who's supposed to be on Fergus and Adam's team, enters the meeting room.)'' :'''Glenn:''' ''(cracking a Superman joke)'' Hey! Sorry I'm late, guys. I was just changing in a phone booth. (chuckles to himself) :'''Terri:''' Was that a joke or... :'''Glenn:''' Yeah. No, I was on the phone. ''(to Fergus)'' Hey, Fergus, you look a bit A&E. Everything all right? :'''Fergus:''' No, er, Mannion is announcing Silicon Playgrounds on Stewart's orders. :'''Stewart:''' PM's orders. :'''Glenn:''' What? Hey, hey, hey, hey, hang on a moment. This is demarcation stuff. This is Fourth Sector, right? And I am the Fourth Sector guru. Yeah, I've been on Team Fergus on this, you know, me and the Inbetweeners. :'''Adam:''' The what? The what? Sorry? :'''Emma:''' You know that's what we call you. :'''Stewart:''' That's what they call you. :'''Glenn:''' WE did all the work on this. Us, we're a team, we did it. And now you're going to say we're going to play a new game, pass the parcel, and he gets to unwrap it? (pointing at Peter) I don't think so! This is bollocks, Stewart! :'''Terri:''' Oh, come on, calm down. :'''Glenn:''' Just a second. Bollocks. :'''Terri:''' Glenn, just leave it, leave it. :''(Glenn leaves the meeting room)'' :'''Emma:''' (talking about Glenn) He's seriously going to have a heart attack, look at him. :'''Stewart:''' God, will we cope now? Can we even carry on? :''(Quiet in the room again...)'' :'''Stewart:''' Oh, it doesn't seem to have changed anything. All right, the top line, folks, is this: It's about coalition, remember, yeah? :'''Fergus:''' ''(to Stewart)'' No, this is not about coalition. This is about you nicking our ideas and doing us up the Eurotunnel. :'''Phil:''' Come on. You're basically a couple of homeless guys we've invited to Christmas dinner. Don't bitch because we don't let you carve the turkey. :'''Peter:''' Let me just say it simply for you, Stewart: I don't understand the Networked Nation and the Silicon fucking Playground "gigabits," people watching television on telephones. For what it's worth, I think Fergus should carve this particular turkey. :'''Adam:''' There you go. :'''Stewart:''' Peter, Peter. The Networked Nation is about harnessing the interconnectivity of everyone in society. It's a new way of thinking. Innovation, self-investment, revenue flux, growth, ergo a healthy network. What's so complicated about that? :'''Peter:''' ''(bluntly)'' ''ALL'' the words you just used. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stewart:''' ''(at Peter's office door)'' Ah, Peter. I'm expecting great things! :'''Peter:''' Then you're an idiot. :'''Stewart:''' Laters, legislators. ''(leaves)'' :'''Peter''' ''(looking at Fergus's policy)'': The only way this policy launch could be worse is if I understood the bloody thing. :'''Glenn''' ''(walking in with a file which he dumps on Phil)'': Right, I'm gonna put the old tea-cauldron on! Anybody fancy a brew? :''(They all ignore him. During Emma's line, he gives up and leaves.)'' :'''Emma:''' Peter, risk of sounding like your mum: time for school. You need to get to this meeting. :'''Peter:''' I hate schoolchildren, they're volatile and stupid and they haven't got the vote. Might as well be talking to fucking geese. :'''Phil:''' Well, you know the school's only 10 minutes from your house. You could pop round for a late lunch. :'''Peter:''' Not much of a celebration. "Hello, darling, make me a Cup-a-Soup." Oh, now, I need a thoughtful, very personal present for Tina. Any ideas? :'''Phil:''' Erm, what about a sexy undergarment? :'''Peter:''' (disappointed in Phil's suggestion) No. :'''Emma:''' Perfume. What perfume does she wear? :'''Peter:''' No idea. Expensive, smells a bit of lemons. :'''Terri:''' Peter, before you go, I-I do really need a comment, I'm sorry, on this Tickel protest, please. :'''Peter:''' OK: 'As we enter the third week, I find Mr. Tickle's attention-seeking tent-based twattery even more annoying than weeks one and two.' :'''Terri:''' Can't actually say that. :'''Peter:''' Really? Oh then by implication you know what you can say, so say that instead. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Terri is being called to see Fergus and Adam in Fergus's office.)'' :'''Adam:''' Just to keep you up to speed, Terri, we are going to do a companion launch for Digital Playgrounds tonight at the learning centre at 7 o'clock, all right? :'''Fergus:''' And we just need you to pop a press pack in the Coverley microwave and let us know when you've pinged. :'''Terri:''' Yes, sorry. I don't think I'll be able to get that cleared before 6:00, so that's effectively tomorrow, isn't it? :'''Adam:''' Sorry, Terri, we don't need clearance. We're not covering a Beatles track, we're the fucking Government. :'''Terri:''' Yes, I'm sorry, but I do need to get that through Number 10 before I can do anything. :'''Fergus:''' Uh, was Terri actually in the meeting earlier, Adam? :'''Adam:''' Yeah, she was, Fergus. I know she was there because I heard her humming the theme tune to ''[[wikipedia:Call the Midwife|Call the Midwife]].'' :'''Terri:''' Yes, well, Stewart was very clear about this protocol. It's about the only thing he ever has been clear about. :'''Adam:''' The policy has been agreed. This is just an additional publicity push. :'''Terri:''' Adam, I'm sorry if you think I'm being obstructive, but I cannot -- and I ''will not'' -- do ask you ask. :'''Fergus:''' Well you can't stop me, Terri! OK? I want you to know, YOU CANNOT WIN, [[wikipedia:Nurse_Ratched|NURSE RATCHED]], because this is my moment! Now, you like musicals: well this is [[wikipedia:Tonight_(1956_song)|Tonight]] from West Side Story, yeah? And I'm going to bring the bloody house down, so you can't [[wikipedia:Don't_Rain_on_My_Parade|Rain on my Parade]], [[wikipedia:Funny_Girl_(musical)|Funny Girl]]. Why don't you go and have a lie-down and a [[wikipedia:Hobnob_biscuit|Hobnob]] while we run the fucking country, all right? :'''Terri:''' (unfazed) Anything else? :'''Adam:''' No, don't think so. :''(Fergus is perplexed, Adam is stunned, and Terri gets up to leave...)'' :'''Terri:''' ''(to Fergus)'' Thank you, minister. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Peter, Phil, and Emma are in the car to the policy launch)'' :'''Fergus:''' Does he understand the policy? Forgive my concern, but it's a bit like asking if a dog can grasp the concept of Norway. :'''Terri''' ''(on the phone to Emma)'': We have a question: does he understand the – Oh, she's hung up! Ever the charmless minor royal. :'''Peter:''' And I keep a straight face, do I, when I say to a room full of frogspawn, 'Upload your future'? :'''Emma:''' You know, that sounds great! No pronunciation traps. 'Cause you know what happened to the Chancellor, don't you, at the [[wikipedia:Brit_Awards|BRITs]]? [[wikipedia:Tinie_Tempah|'Tinny' Tempah]]? :'''Phil:''' Well, it could have been worse, I heard he opened his stag do speech with 'my niggaz'. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Peter is at the school making his speech...I Call App Britain!)'' :'''Peter:''' Why is it that Silicon Valley is in America when we have so many net-savvy tech-heads here? They may have the silicon chip, but we have the silicon ''chap''. And of course, chapesses. Er, and we want ''you'' to design game apps for use in the classroom. :'''Emma:''' Sorry, sorry to interrupt: erm, it's not game apps, we're actually looking for educational apps. :'''Peter:''' Er, of course. That's why I'm here to say: I call you up. App. I, I Call App Britain. Yes. And everyone will benefit, not financially, er, not cash in hand, of course: all profits will be stored as part of a digital dividend, which – :'''Raj:''' 'Scuse me, are you saying that if I wrote an app I wouldn't get any money for it? I would be working for free? :'''Peter:''' If you don't mind we'll keep the Q&A to the end. What I wanted to emphasise – :'''Charlotte:''' Sorry, er, why can't you just answer him now? :'''Teacher:''' Charlotte. :'''Charlotte:''' Well, the other lady was allowed to interrupt. :'''Peter:''' Yes, but she's ''my'' lady. ''(everyone laughs except Emma)'' Er, what was your question again? :'''Raj:''' Why won't we profit from this? :'''Peter:''' Oh, but you would! Er, maybe I didn't explain it properly. What's your name? :'''Raj:''' Rajesh. :'''Peter:''' I'm sorry? :'''Raj:''' Rajesh, Raj. :'''Peter:''' Well, er, Rajesh Raj – ''(the students laugh)'' Oh, right. ''(chuckles)'' Well, er, what I, what I wanted to say is that, that you ''would'', er, profit, that any profits you made would be offset against [[wikipedia:Tuition_fees_in_the_United_Kingdom|tuition fees]] – :'''Charlotte:''' Sorry, we don't believe in tuition fees. :'''Peter:''' Well, erm, what's your – :'''Charlotte:''' Charlotte. :'''Peter:''' Oh, well, that's an easier one. :'''Emma''' ''(to Phil)'': Fuck me, I feel like I've just been pushed out of a plane. :'''Raj:''' I make apps. I sell them through Apple and I get paid for it. :'''Peter:''' Good for you, Ra– er, good for you, but with ''us'', you let us license it as part of the Networked Nation policy. We all put in, you see – :'''Raj:''' What do you put into the Networked Nation? :'''Peter:''' Well, er, I am – a Minister. :'''Raj:''' But what do you actually do? :'''Peter:''' I take the, the – science that, that you made earlier, and I – ''apply'' it, in – scenarios that are – cost-effective. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Peter:''' Well at least I got 'I Call App Britain' right. :'''Phil:''' Thankfully with only a modicum of the contempt you used just now. :'''Emma:''' 'Hooray, you got the title right! Let's get the driver to do some victory doughnuts.' You're gonna have to issue an apology, you know. :'''Peter:''' I'm not going back there and saying, 'Oh, that moment when I mistook an abbreviation of your name for your surname: sorry.' I'll look completely mental. :'''Phil:''' You can't apologise for a fart you did a day ago. :'''Emma:''' No, you're gonna have to apologise for the follow-up as well. 'Charlotte, that's an easier name.' :'''Peter:''' ''But it is!'' That's a fact, not a judgement!<hr width="50%" /> :''(And now, Peter finds himself being confronted by a big crowd of reporters and journalists -- outside his own home!)'' :'''Female Reporter #1:''' Minister, why are you at home in the middle of a working day? :'''Peter:''' Um, it's-it's my 30th anniversary and I popped home for lunch after the Silicon Playgrounds launch, which is literally around the corner, and I'll be staying late to make up for it. :'''Female Reporter #1:''' Are you turning schools into teenage sweatshops? :'''Peter:''' I-I'm sorry if this is proving a complex idea. Pupils will receive a digital dividend towards their higher education fees. :'''Female Reporter #2:''' The dividend is optional, though, you can get cash instead? :'''Peter:''' No, you can't, I'm sorry... :'''Female Reporter #2:''' You can according to your Junior Minister. :'''Peter:''' I see. :'''Male Reporter:''' Minister, do you think you came across this morning as a "fibre-optic Fagan?" :'''Peter:''' That's a ridiculous phrase. :'''Male Reporter:''' Well, that, again, is a quote from your Junior Minister. :''(Peter's socially embarrassing predicament continues...)'' :'''Female Reporter #1:''' Minister, is, um, that a bottle of champagne? :'''Male Reporter:''' Drinking on the job, minister? :'''Peter:''' It's a half bottle. Um, as I said, it is my anniversary and I have just recycled it. Er, thank you. Bye. :''(Peter gets into his car.)'' :'''Peter:''' ''(to his driver)'' Run those fuckers over. Fifty quid for every one you maim. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Peter''' ''(shouting at Fergus on his return to DoSAC)'': Thanks a fucking bunch, mate! I couldn't have looked more of a twat, unless I'd announced it dressed as a mermaid with scallops on my tits! :'''Fergus:''' Look, I'm angry, too, Peter. I spent a lot of time on that policy that you just raped in a ditch. :'''Peter:''' Well, it was your stupid idea in the first place. :'''Fergus:''' What are your ideas, Peter? Come on, we'd all love to hear them! A public information film on the best wine to have with fish? A butler on every street corner? :'''Peter:''' This is a long game, Fergus. And I've been around a lot longer than you, Fergus, and I'll still be here when they rip your name off your door and turn your office back into something useful, like a spare toilet! :''(Stewart, from out of nowhere, enters the fight.)'' :'''Stewart:''' BOTH OF YOU DESIST! You have caused me to raise my voice and I do not like it. I reserve this level of anger for when I'm flying Ryanair. Peter's Palace! NOW! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stewart:''' ''(to Peter)'' Drinking champagne in the middle of the day during a recession. Who do you think you are, [[wikipedia:Sean_Combs|P. Diddy]]? :'''Peter:''' It was a half-bottle, on my thirtieth anniversary, ''and'' I was recycling it; at least give me credit for that! :'''Stewart:''' Oh right, no, sorry Peter, yeah, I take it all back. About as strong a defence as 'the fertiliser in my homemade bomb was organic.' What have you got planned for this evening, dancing girls on a yacht? :'''Peter:''' Garage, car, hosepipe. :'''Stewart:''' Oh, good, the anniversary present your wife's been dreaming of. ''(to Fergus)'' And Fergus, what about you? :'''Fergus:''' Well, I'm launching Silicon Playgrounds, properly this time, tonight at a learning centre. :'''Stewart:''' Yeah, something you didn't clear through me. According to Terri Coverley, you announced this before Peter took his daily "gaffe dump." What was the word I used this morning? :'''Peter:''' Oh, you used a lot of words this morning, it was like a fucking [[Will Self]] lecture. :'''Stewart:''' What was the word I used? :'''Fergus:''' Coalition? :'''Stewart:''' BOOM! So you ''will'' go to the learning centre where you will re-explain Silicon Playgrounds ''with Peter'', who will make an abject grovelling apology for being both a digi-tard and an elderly racist! :'''Fergus:''' So first you take the policy away from me for Peter to screw up, then you take ''salvaging'' the policy away from me for Peter to screw up! Good, yeah, that's just great! :'''Peter:''' I'm bored of this! I'm going for a Twix! ''(leaves)'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Peter''' ''(storming out of his office)'': She's NOT on the FUCKING ''LIST!'' ''(enters Fergus's office)'' Will you please tell me why Terri Coverley is not on this list? :'''Fergus:''' Sorry Peter, she's too expensive to get rid of. :'''Peter:''' Oh Christ, Fergus, we both know she's a fart in a frock and I want her wafted out of here. :'''Fergus''' ''(smiling)'': My hands are tied. :'''Peter:''' Fuck you! You're not getting in MY car tonight! ''(leaves)'' :'''Glenn:''' What a very principled stand you're taking. :'''Fergus:''' Yep, but did you see how stressed Mannion was there? Soon he'll be so weak and disorientated he'll stagger off in the night like a tramp who's stood up too quickly. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Peter''' ''(on the phone with his wife)'': No, I don't think today is our entire marriage in a nutshell. Well, we had champagne, and your sister wasn't there.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Phil''' ''(to Adam)'': You're getting a coffwee: coffee with wee in it. <hr width="50%"/> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Peter''' ''(on the phone to his wife)'': Champagne looks bad, PR-wise. I might as well be seen urinating through the letterbox of a closed-down library.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Terri:''' Right, I'd better get on. Sometimes I think I never stop working. :'''Phil:''' You leave at 5:40! :'''Terri:''' One last thing. :'''Phil:''' Yes, [[Columbo]]? :'''Terri:''' The staff cuts. What do you know? :'''Phil:''' Ah, I see, that's what this whole chat's been about, has it, mental pickpocketing? :'''Terri:''' You see, you don't need to tell me: I'll just list off a few names. You do that girly flicky thing with your hair, OK? :'''Phil:''' Bye, Terri. :'''Terri:''' Was that it, was that code? Am I going? :'''Phil:''' No, I'm telling you to fuck off.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Raj:''' What do you actually do? :''(quiet laughter from the students)'' :'''Peter:''' I am the, er, Secretary of State for Social Affairs a-and Citizenship. :'''Phil:''' It's a bit like being the Lord Commander of the [[wikipedia:List_of_A_Song_of_Ice_and_Fire_characters#Night's_Watch_and_wildlings|Night's Watch]]? Er, you watch Game of Thrones, yeah? :'''Raj:''' This is bullshit! :''(the students laugh)'' :'''Teacher:''' Hey, quiet now – quiet! Raj, that language is unacceptable, OK? :'''Peter:''' I'll say, you – you wouldn't use that kind of language in front of your extended family. :'''Students''' ''(shocked)'': Oh! :'''Emma:''' Oh my good God, I cannot believe childbirth is more painful than this.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Adam:''' We have to distance ourself from this ''now''. :'''Fergus:''' Right, OK, I'll call Terri and get her up to speed. :'''Adam:''' Terri is never up to speed. She's stuck in neutral in a fucking rainy car park listening to [[wikipedia:Ken_Bruce|Ken Bruce]]. :'''Glenn''' ''(on his phone)'': Who told you I was the guru? Terri Coverley, right, thank you. Well, I am the guru of the policy, but I'm not the guru of the colossal gang of [[wikipedia:Henry_(vacuum)|Henrys]] who tried to explain it just now.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Peter''' ''(to Raj)'': Yes, well, for you, App-ortunity Knocks. :'''Fergus''' ''(to Raj, quietly)'': It's [[wikipedia:Opportunity_Knocks_(UK_TV_series)|a show]], it's like [[wikipedia:Britain's_Got_Talent|Britain's Got Talent]], from his era. ==Series 4, Episode 2== :'''Ollie:''' Right, sorry to interrupt you at this very sad time, but we do have [[wikipedia:Prime_Minister's_Questions|Prime Minister's Questions]] in ''one hour''. :'''Nicola:''' No it's fine, I've got the lead question, I've got the follow-up sarcastic question and I've got the withering put-down, so I'm prepped, I'm fucking prepped. :'''Ollie:''' Yep. You'll walk rings round him.<hr width="50%" />'''Ben:''' The Leader of the Opposition is in that room, Malcolm, practising ''walking''. I mean, baby horses can walk from the womb, she's one-nil down to a pony. :'''Malcolm:''' A pony isn't a baby horse, it's a foal, a fucking foal is a baby horse. :'''Ben:''' Right, our guest tonight on 'I Don't Give a Fuck about Baby Horses' is me. But we need to do something about Nicola, Malcolm, I mean, you know about her plan – I mean, Nicola with a plan, that's like a toddler with a harpoon, there's a toddler wandering around in that office with a harpoon. :'''Malcolm:''' Yes, well, don't you worry about Nicola's plan. I'll deal with that, Sweaty Betty – Listen, when you wake up in the morning you've got a routine, haven't you? :'''Ben:''' Big shit, granola, check the email, shower and a shave, [[wikipedia:Nespresso|Nespresso]], sometimes a second shit. :'''Malcolm:''' Exactly. You have a plan: that's good. Nicola has a plan: that's not good. But I have a plan: that's fucking great.<hr width="50%" />'''Malcolm''' ''(seeing Nicola bend down in front of the photocopier)'': Oh, that's very moving: '[[wikipedia:Ode_of_Remembrance|They shall not grow old]], who photocopy their arses at the Christmas do'.<hr width="50%" /> :''(Nicola and her advisers, Ollie Reeder & Helen Hatley, are brainstorming ideas for a buzzword for do-gooder members of the public.)'' :'''Ollie:''' They're commuters, they are the street-pounders, street – walkers, um – :'''Nicola:''' You can't call them streetwalkers. :'''Ollie:''' They're the people who deal with the little stuff, erm – [[wikipedia:The_Wombles|Wombles]], Honest Wombles, Everyday Wombles? :'''Malcolm:''' Sorry, I've just got to take a call. :'''Nicola:''' Erm, straights. :'''Ollie:''' No! :'''Nicola:''' No. No, of course, sorry. :'''Helen Hatley:''' Commuting champions. :'''Nicola:''' Interrai– human [[wikipedia:Interrail|interrailers]] – :'''Ollie:''' Human interrailers? That's interrailers. Er, everyday superstars, all British supremes – :'''Malcolm:''' That sounds like a racist tribute band. :'''Nicola:''' Ordinary people, with something special about them, with a special power. :'''Ollie:''' Please don't say special. Don't say special. :'''Nicola:''' No but – you know, but like sup– people as superheroes. :'''Ollie:''' Ironpeople, Spiderpeople. Wolfpeople. :'''Nicola:''' They're just regular citizens, but they have this – that one special quality that makes them like Batman, or Batpeople. Erm, ''Quiet'' Batpeople. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(glaring)'' Quiet Batpeople? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' She's going to have to fall on her sword, which means that we are gonna have to stick one in the ground, trip her up onto it and get somebody to jump up and down on her back for ten minutes. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' Reshuffle: don’t send Ben to the back-benches, he’ll just wank and eat Pringles, leather seats are an invitation to men like him. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nicola:''' Before we finish, I just want to throw one more pebble into the thought pool. :'''Ben:''' Ploop. :'''Nicola:''' Sorry Ben, I missed that? :'''Ben:''' Just I'm sorry, I just, I said 'ploop', it's just the noise of a pebble.<hr width="50%" /> :''(A photographer has managed to take a picture of Helen's 'Quiet Batpeople' notes)'' :'''Nicola:''' "Quiet Batpeople" on every fucking paper! :'''Malcolm:''' Right, this is a wake-up call. And by the way, Helen, the next time you want to make Nicola look like a clown with her fucking hair on fire in a Zumba class, why don't you just take your notes down to [[wikipedia:Snappy_Snaps|Snappy Snaps]] and get them blown up to gigantic charity cheque size, so the partially sighted can be in on the fucking gag? :'''Helen:''' I didn't know they'd be able to see it! :'''Malcolm:''' So we have to seize the agenda. We have to deflect attention away from all this. It's now time to embrace our friend Mr. Tickle. :'''Nicola:''' I can't even say his name without smiling. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, well, ''he's'' not smiling, is he? He's living in a tent, 'cause his key-worker housing's been sold off. :'''Malcolm:''' Yes, and he's a 24-carat fucking nutcase. Which means that Peter Mannion has been picking on a man with a history of depression. That's a way right into the Principality of Pricks right there. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' It's time for you to step up, Ollie. What's that film that you love? :'''Ollie:''' What film? :'''Malcolm:''' The one about the fucking hairdresser, the [[wikipedia:Luke_Skywalker|space hairdresser]] and the [[wikipedia:Han_Solo|cowboy]]. The guy, he's got a [[wikipedia:C-3PO|tin foil pal]] and a [[wikipedia:R2-D2|pedal bin]]. [[wikipedia:Darth_Vader|His father]]'s a robot and he's fucking fucked [[wikipedia:Princess_Leia|his sister]]. Lego! They're all made of fucking Lego. :'''Ollie:''' Star Wars? :'''Malcolm:''' That's the one, right. It's like that, okay? Where you fucking kill all the bad guys, and you'll be able to blow up the big – :'''Ollie:''' Death Star. :'''Malcolm:''' The Death Star thing. Then you can go and live happily ever after on the planet of the teddy bears. :'''Ollie:''' They're Ewoks, they're Ewoks. It's a fantastic analogy, well done. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ben:''' Malcolm, could I have a couple of words please? :'''Malcolm:''' Political lightweight? Making up the numbers? Sorry that's four isn't it? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dan:''' So, your loyalty to Nicola is – :'''Malcolm:''' Unwavering. Right up to the point that – :'''Dan:''' Someone challenges her? :'''Malcolm:''' Not necessary: she's going to kick her own head in, which will be easy for her because she does yoga. No, we just need somebody to hold her jacket while she commits political hara-kiri, and sweep in unopposed, being careful not to tread in the mess. :'''Dan:''' So you think – I should challenge her? :'''Malcolm:''' What the fuck is this, Tinker Tailor Soldier Cunt? Do you, or do you not, want to be the next leader of this party? :'''Dan:''' Yes. :'''Malcolm:''' Right, well, she needs to fuck off in eight months, so it looks like we're giving her a chance. I will teach you the way of tears and love, my friend; now, let's get out of this fucking cupboard before Ben Swain comes in for his lunchtime wank. <hr width="50%" /> :'''Malcolm''' ''(putting his glasses on to read Ollie's phone)'': What is this tiny font? Is it to match your subatomic thoughts? <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm and Ben, and separately Ollie and Helen, are watching Nicola at the [[wikipedia:Remembrance_Sunday#National_ceremony_in_the_United_Kingdom|Remembrance Sunday ceremony]] on TV)'' :'''Malcolm:''' You're right, she can't fucking walk. :'''Ben:''' I mean, should we get a pony to challenge her? :'''Malcolm:''' It's not a fucking pony, it's a fucking foal. :'''Ben:''' Sorry. :'''Helen:''' I don't understand how you can get that wrong. :'''Ollie:''' It's this: ''(demonstrates)'' de-de-clunk! :'''Helen:''' She is officially a [[wikipedia:The_Cenotaph,_Whitehall|Ceno]]-twat. :'''Ollie:''' Fabulous work, sister. Bury her in a grave. [[wikipedia:The_Unknown_Warrior|The Unknown Leader]]. :'''Helen:''' I can't watch: I feel a bit sick. :'''Ollie:''' I just hope there is no afterlife, because if people fought and died for this, it is going to seem even more ridiculously futile. :'''Ben''' ''(to Malcolm)'': Why d'you know so much about horses, anyway? I thought you were raised by wolves.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :''(during the Quiet Batpeople brainstorming)'' :'''Ollie:''' Wombles, Honest Wombles, Everyday Wombles? :'''Helen:''' Right, OK, obviously, you know, we're not gonna block anything 'cause this is a think-thoughting session, erm – :'''Malcolm:''' Sorry, I've just got to take a call. :'''Ollie:''' Think-thoughting, Helen, is what we call, in the real world, thinking. It's the same. Am I say-speaking out of turn? Have I not understood-comprehended you? :'''Helen:''' I don't know, I tuned you out a bit.<hr width="50%" />''(deleted scene)'' :'''Ollie:''' Hiya, I thought you were bollocking Dan Miller. :'''Malcolm:''' Oh, I am. ''(to the empty chair next to him)'' Look at you! You bourgeois, fucking side-parted twat, you flap that bammed-up nutcrease of yours again, and I will fuck you so deep, that if you're not drowned in the blizzard of jizz, your rectum will become the biggest fucking indoor venue in fucking Europe. :'''Ollie:''' Are you OK? :'''Malcolm:''' Sit down.<hr width="50%" />''(deleted scene)'' :'''Malcolm''' ''(to Ollie)'': This is [[wikipedia:Infinite_monkey_theorem|monkey typewriter]] stuff. There's not even a fucking infinite amount of monkeys with an infinite amount of time with an infinite amount of typewriters that'll produce the words, 'Nicola Murray, PM'.<hr width="50%" />''(deleted scene)'' :'''Ben:''' How do you know so much about horses, anyway? I thought you were raised by wolves. :'''Malcolm:''' I don't know anything about horses, apart from that a grown-up one's a fucking horse and a baby one's a foal. And why are you eating my biscuits? :'''Ben:''' I don't know, I found them on here. There's one left. :'''Malcolm:''' They are big wreaths. :'''Ben:''' It's like a toilet seat, isn't it? I mean, it's not, it's lovely. :'''Malcolm:''' What size of a wreath would you need for a nuclear war? :'''Ben:''' There wouldn't be anyone left to put it on the Cenotaph, would there? It'd be carried along by cockroaches or whatever it is they say'll survive. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. ==Series 4, Episode 3== :''(Peter, Emma and Stewart are in the car, on the way to Thought Camp...and ALL 3 of them are on their cell phones. Stewart is talking to a Minister, Emma is talking to Phil, and Peter is talking to his wife. )'' :'''Peter:''' I was picked up at seven, of course I haven't walked the dog. I barely had time to take myself for a shit. :'''Emma:''' Phil, I'm sure you're suffering from "Peter Withdrawal" symptoms, but I really, really need you to keep an eye of the Ticket issue. :'''Stewart:''' Thought Camp ETA 13 minutes, okay? You're taking the bridge, Kieran. :'''Emma:''' Okay, well, you can start by not referring to him as Gyppo. ''Or'' Gypsy, Phil. It's not, it's not the abbreviation that's the problem. :'''Peter:''' If he has a thorn in his paw, it must be from when you took him for a walk yesterday. :'''Emma:''' What do you mean, "You're in charge?" You are not in fucking charge, you doughnut! :'''Stewart:''' Of course you're gonna keep me informed, I want the full crunch on all the feeds, as usual. Everything below the equator. :'''Peter:''' Take him to the dog hospital. (Peter's wife thinks he's being sarcastic.) No, I'm not being sarcastic! There is one! :'''Emma:''' Try and keep an eye on things, all right? :'''Peter:''' The number will be in the folder. The folder. What? (Peter sighs as he realizes he has lost the connection.) :''(Now, all 3 members of Team Mannion are off their cell phones.)'' :'''Peter:''' Where are you taking us, Stewart? This Mind Kampf is in the middle of nowhere. :'''Stewart:''' Thought Camp, Peter, and isolation is the mother of renewal. We shall retreat to go forwards. :'''Emma:''' Terrible signal! Phil sounded like he was phoning in a report on an African coup. :'''Stewart:''' Why's he even gone in today? :'''Peter:''' I put him on Tickel oversight. :'''Stewart:''' Oh, the eviction. :'''Peter:''' Well, cutting the guy ropes on his tent is hardly the Siege of Troy. :'''Emma:''' Bailiffs thought it would be easier today, quicker or quieter. :'''Stewart:''' Yeah, but I want Phil sealed off, right? He makes no statement today, not even off the record. :'''Peter:''' He wanted to feel useful. :'''Stewart:''' Then he should sell his organs. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Glenn and Phil are alone in the DoSAC building.)'' :'''Glenn:''' Yeah, well, we've got the whole palace to ourselves, eh? [[wikipedia:Rosencrantz_and_Guildenstern|Rosencrantz and Guildenstern]]! :'''Phil:''' Yeah, but [[wikipedia:Rosencrantz_and_Guildenstern_Are_Dead|very much alive]]. Well, one of us.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Stewart''' ''(to party staff arriving at Thought Camp)'': OK people, abandon phones, all ye who enter here. And watches too: time is a leash on the dog of ideas.<hr width="50%" />'''Stewart:''' OK lovely people, let's go truffling in the forest of knowledge. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stewart:''' OK people, I'd like to start this session with a question: when is a party not a party? :'''Peter:''' When it's at your house? :''(quiet laughter)'' :'''Emma''' ''(quietly, annoyed)'': Peter! :'''Stewart:''' A party is not a party when it is plural. ''(brings up a slide of a woman on her phone in a crowd)'' There she is, the party, singular: she thinks like you, she votes like you, she is ''not'' you, and yet of course, she ''is'' you. :'''Peter''' ''(to himself, sighing)'': I feel like I've joined the Scientologists. :'''Stewart:''' Some of these people want a federal Britain, others don't. And as long as we continue to do nothing, we can call that "consensus." :'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' Why am I the only senior minister here? Is JB punishing me? :'''Emma:''' Look, Mary Drake's here, Home Office. :''(Peter and Emma nod hello to Mary.)'' :'''Emma:''' ''(to Peter)'' And yes, JB is punishing you. :'''Stewart:''' OK, let's [[wikipedia:Michael_McIntyre|McIntyre]] this: stand up. Let's find out, in fact, chairs to the side, please. :'''Peter:''' Great, vague prancing about. :'''Mary Drake:''' Isn't that one of the fundamental principles of democracy? :'''Stewart:''' ''(to Peter)'' Oh, I'm sorry, Peter, you want to share your thoughts? :'''Peter:''' Hmm? No, we just hoped we were going to do some dancing, er, Stewart. What, Merce Cunningham, something like that? :'''Stewart:''' Okay, maybe later you can share it with us. But first of all, let me share something with you. How about this, Silicon Playgrounds, yeah? What caused this slow-motion pile up? Shall we sit down and chew over "hash-tag epic fail?" Or shall we try and get some solutions on their feet? That's it, just put it at the side, Peter. <hr width="50%" /> :''(Glenn is bringing a tray of coffee and biscuits into Fergus's office.)'' :'''Adam:''' Glenn, you're a marvel, you know, you're like a modern-day [[wikipedia:Jeeves|Jeeves]]. Only not modern. Day. You're like Jeeves, but only not as good. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Fergus is bringing Tara Strachan, a strikingly beautiful economist, to DoSAC HQ.)'' :'''Fergus:''' ''(to Tara)'' Here we are, at the Coalface. ''(to Adam)'' Ah. Adam, this is Tara Strachan. :'''Adam:''' ''(to Tara)'' Hello, lovely to meet you. :'''Tara Strachan:''' Hi there. :'''Adam:''' Really lovely, lovely. :'''Fergus:''' Shall we, er...She's an economist... :'''Adam:''' Real pleasure, actually. :'''Fergus:''' ...and a lady. :'''Adam:''' Yes, obviously. Lovely. :''(Fergus and Adam are quite happy to see Tara. Phil, on the other hand, is a little confused.)'' :'''Phil:''' What's going on? Who's the skirt? :'''Adam:''' Oh, I'd love to bring you up to speed, Phil. I really would, but I'm not gonna live long enough. So tell you what, why don't you go and help Glenn watch his telly? I think the dancing's on in a minute. :'''Fergus:''' ''(to Tara)'' I really like your coat, by the way. :'''Tara:''' (quite flattered) Thank you. Thank you. :'''Fergus:''' It's like a leopard. :'''Tara:''' It is a little bit. :'''Fergus:''' Or a cheetah. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Tara is sharing her idea for micro banking with Fergus and Adam.)'' :'''Tara:''' The beauty of this model... :'''Fergus:''' Yeah. :'''Tara:''' ...um, is that micro banking can happen anywhere, okay? :'''Fergus:''' Great. :'''Tara:''' Small, low-interest loans, that's the way forward. :'''Adam:''' This is terrific. I mean, it's so fucking us, it's brilliant. :'''Fergus:''' (trying to calm Adam down) Adam, Adam. :'''Adam:''' Ah. :'''Tara:''' Oh, don't worry, I don't mind swearing. Shows passion. I've done some community enterprise case studies. Sisters who want to set up a pop-up baker's in a disused travel agents, the boiler guy who wants to take on an apprentice. :'''Adam:''' Yeah. :'''Fergus:''' The helping hand for hands-on people. :'''Tara:''' Yeah. :'''Adam:''' I like that, that's great. That's really good. :'''Fergus:''' Making sure the can-doers don't get canned. :'''Adam:''' Terrific. Yeah, really good. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Meanwhile, at Thought Camp, Peter is playing a "mind game." He has a Post-It note stuck to his head with a political issue written on it, and he has to guess what it is. He needs Mary Drake's help.)'' :'''Peter:''' Would I be comfortable or uncomfortable... :'''Stewart:''' Yes or no questions only, please, Peter. :'''Peter:''' Would I be uncomfortable talking to Andrew Marr about this concept on the television? :'''Mary:''' Yes. :'''Peter:''' Am I Diversity? :'''Mary:''' No. :'''Stewart:''' You're out of questions, Peter. :''(Peter finally takes the Post-It note off his head -- and then gets REALLY upset.)'' :'''Peter:''' Oh, for fuck's sake! Inclusivity's practically the same as Diversity! :'''Mary:''' ''(chuckles)'' No it's not. :'''Stewart:''' No it isn't, Peter. :'''Peter:''' I could be at home watching the snooker with a bottle of unpronounceable scotch. Can I sit down now? ''(Peter sits down)'' I'm sitting down, I don't care. :'''Stewart:''' Actually, we can all sit down now. Thanks, Peter. Um, so take a chair 'cause Emma's going to co-steer module four with me. We're gonna do a kind of Top Trumps stats check on the PM's future enemies, yeah? Strengths, weaknesses, blocking moves and take-downs. Em. :'''Emma:''' Great. Thank you, Stewart. :'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' You've turned into the wrong Mitford sister. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Meanwhile, back at DoSAC HQ, the Banking Brainstorm continues...)'' :'''Tara:''' Basically, we'd set up a network of microcredit lenders at neighborhood level. :'''Adam:''' This is great. So what would it be called? Like the Citizen's Bank, or... :'''Fergus:''' The People's Bank? :'''Tara:''' Um, Community... :'''Fergus:''' The Credit Fund? ''(correcting himself)'' No, no, credit's a bad word. :'''Adam:''' Negative. Something, something with "Advance..." :'''Fergus:''' The We Bank? :'''Tara:''' The We Bank. :'''Adam:''' I like that. :'''Fergus:''' Although it does sound a bit like a...sperm bank. But for wee. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Glenn is reporting the latest Tickel Watch news to Phil.)'' :'''Glenn:''' There's a bit of a farce going on here with your Mr. Tickle. They've turned up to evict him and he's not there. :'''Phil:''' Good. Self-evicted. Gone. Problem solved. Anyway, what's going on with Fergus and Adam and the "Sexy Stranger?" She's some kind of economist, apparently. :'''Glenn:''' Oh, don't be ridiculous, she's far too attractive. :'''Phil:''' You can get sexy economists. What about Stephanie Flanders on ''Newsnight?'' :'''Glenn:''' Yeah, that's true. I quite like Emily Maitlis. :'''Phil:''' Really? Well, I'm sure she'd love a grey pounding. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tara:''' Do you want to have an "ideagasm?" :'''Adam:''' ''(very much turned on)'' Yes, please. :'''Tara:''' Ask me how we'd initially fund this. :'''Fergus & Adam:''' How would we initially fund this? :'''Tara:''' A one-off Robin Hood tax. Steal from the fat cats, raise enough seed capital for hundreds of start-up funds for fledgling businesses. :'''Adam:''' You know what? This could work really well for us. This, this is, yeah. :'''Tara:''' Yeah? :'''Adam:''' I mean, let's just talk, uh, figures. What sort of start-up capital are we talking here? :'''Tara:''' Not very much. I think we're looking at about £2 billion. :'''Fergus:''' £2 billion? :'''Tara:''' £2 billion. :'''Fergus:''' Good. Well, um...I mean, obviously, I'd have to ring the Treasury. :'''Tara:''' Sure. :'''Fergus:''' And twist a few arms. You know, it'll take a couple of weeks to work up, but we are extremely keen to set that process in motion. :''(Stewart and his team are discussing potential new Leaders of the Opposition at Thought Camp.)'' :'''Stewart:''' OK, let's architecturalise this, yeah? :'''Peter:''' Oh, don't bother. If it's Ben Swain, we all shout ''Sweaty Swain'' as he dehydrates himself through PMQs. Holhurst looks like a shepherd dressed up to meet the Queen, and if it's Dan Miller we're fucked.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Tara:''' I should tell you I do also have a meeting with Dan Miller booked in. :'''Adam:''' ''(suddenly concerned)'' What? I would just knock that right on the head. Don't -- don't do it. :'''Fergus:''' Well... ''(awkward laughter from all 3 people)'' He's in opposition. We rule. :'''Adam:''' We're the rulers, we're the governors. :'''Fergus:''' And, you know, in the end...this is so fucking us. :'''Adam:''' Fuck yeah! :'''Fergus:''' Yeah. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Phil's looking up Tara Strachan's bio on his cell phone.)'' :'''Phil:''' Here, uh, "Tara Strachan, LSE, Harvard, author of ''Strapped: Why We're in Debt to Each Other,'' ''Small is Bountiful,'' Expert in micro-financing and community credit guilds." God, that sounds dreary. :'''Glenn:''' Bloody hell, that's all Fourth Sector stuff! I mean, why have they kept me out here like a stray dog? :'''Phil:''' And why are they keeping Mannion out of it? This is-this is government business! :''(Phil suddenly realizes that Adam and Fergus are working on a policy behind Peter's back. Phil runs to Fergus's office.)'' :'''Phil:''' Right, that's enough. Stop, stop, stop! I demand an explanation. :'''Adam:''' Sorry, Phil, we're busy. Maybe come back in, I don't know, 2017? :'''Phil:''' As Peter's representative, it's as though you lied to him. That's not good, probably illegal. :'''Adam:''' If you want to see something probably illegal, pass me that fucking stapler over there! :'''Tara:''' Er, listen, is there a problem with me being here? :'''Fergus:''' Not at all. :'''Phil:''' Yes, you're not supposed to be here, the minister is unaware that you're here, so I'm gonna have to ask you to leave. :'''Adam:''' Oh right, so she's a security risk? Oh no no no! I'd forgotten: you're not allowed within 50 feet of most women. :'''Phil:''' How do you explain this, then? ''(waves his arm in and out of Adam's personal space)'' I'm within 50 feet of you. Hahaha. ''You're'' a woman. :'''Adam:''' Oh, brilliant. That is really good. :''(They stop bickering when they hear Glenn)'' :'''Glenn''': ''(offscreen)'' FUCK! TICKLE'S DEAD! :'''Phil:''' Oh shit...! :'''Adam:''' Jesus...! :''(Phil, Fergus and Adam run to the TV, where Glenn is watching [[wikipedia:BBC_News_(TV_channel)|BBC News]])'' :'''Glenn:''' Oh God, he's killed himself, suicide. He used a car exhaust. :'''Phil:''' Hey, classic: the Bohemian Rhapsody of suicide. :'''Glenn:''' Oh, Phil, for fuck's sake! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Adam doesn't like the way that Phil is handling the latest DoSAC crisis -- to say the least.)'' :'''Adam:''' It's like there's a little twelve-year-old boy, in a suit, with a fucking light saber in his desk - don't think I don't know it's there - running this department when Mannion's away... :'''Phil:''' Yeah, so what? :'''Adam:''' It's a fucking joke! :'''Phil:''' No it's not! No it's not! Have you ever seen ''Game of Thrones'' Season 2? :'''Adam:''' No! :'''Phil:''' Or Anakin Skywalker, he was young. Frodo, in his thirties, still young for a hobbit. You know, I'm in charge, because I'm a Jedi and you're a fucking Ewok! :'''Glenn:''' Right. What is the Ewok position on this, then? <hr width="50%"/> :''(Fergus, Adam, Glenn and Phil are trying to get a handle on the news of Mr. Tickel's suicide.)'' :'''Phil:''' The line from Stewart via Emma was that I do nothing. That was the one clear instruction they gave me, okay? We ignore him and he goes away. :'''Fergus:''' He is dead. :'''Phil:''' Which makes him easier to ignore. :'''Fergus:''' As a minister, I should at least express condolences. :'''Phil:''' ''(stammering)'' That-that-that should come from Peter. :'''Fergus:''' But he's not here. I am. :''(Terri enters the room.)'' :'''Terri:''' Has anyone seen my Bluetooth headset? :'''Phil:''' Look, I speak for Peter and I say that we look guilty if we say we're sorry he died. :'''Terri:''' I'll take that as a no. :'''Adam:''' Listen, Phil. I was a journalist, okay? Now if you don't respond, you create a vacuum that sucks in speculation, and then you can't respond. You get sucked fucking inside-out! :'''Phil:''' Look, Tickle wasn't the Queen of People's Hearts, he was a twat in a tent. :'''Glenn:''' TICK-EL! HE WAS CALLED TICK-EL! WE DROVE A MAN TO HIS DEATH! WE ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Fergus and Adam FINALLY come back to see Tara to tell her the good news about launching the bank.)'' :'''Fergus:''' Great stuff, Tara. We're gonna go ahead with the bank. :'''Adam:''' Yeah, meeting's over. :'''Tara:''' ''(surprised)'' Don't you need to talk to the Treasury? :'''Fergus:''' We've done that. :'''Tara:''' Okay, Well, um, let's talk details. When it comes to interest rates, obviously you've got... :'''Adam:''' ''(jokingly)'' Well, hey, you know, don't talk us out of it. You don't wanna do that. :'''Tara:''' ''(smiling)'' So, is-is this the green light? :'''Fergus:''' Uh-huh! Yep! £2 billion! :'''Tara:''' Oh my God! :''(An overjoyed Tara gives both Fergus and Adam a hug, much to their surprise!)'' :'''Tara:''' We'll be in touch! :'''Fergus & Adam:''' Thank you. :'''Tara:''' Thank you. :'''Fergus:''' ''(to Tara, walking her to the elevator)'' Lovely to meet you, great. :''(Phil is wondering what policy Fergus, Adam, and Tara have just launched...)'' :'''Phil:''' What have we just green-lit? :'''Adam:''' Well, we are starting a community bank with £2 billion. :'''Phil:''' Right, is that the £2 billion we keep in the biscuit tin? :'''Glenn:''' This is just great. This is just fucking great. I hang around this moral abattoir to do something exactly like this and you shut me out? :'''Terri:''' So, I'm spending my bank holiday founding a bank? I thought the point about bank holidays is that they're supposed to be shut. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Fergus is still talking to Tara while walking her to the elevator. They're still excited about the bank.)'' :'''Fergus:''' You know, when we see something we like, we just buy it. :'''Tara:''' Oh, wow. :'''Fergus:''' That's the way we work round here. :'''Tara:''' I hope the Tickel, um...situation is all okay. :'''Fergus:''' Uh, well, it'll be fine. :'''Tara:''' Thank you. :'''Fergus:''' Great. Lovely to meet you. :'''Tara:''' See you soon. :''(As soon as the elevator Tara's traveling in closes, Fergus runs back to the offices and takes charge of the situation.)'' :'''Fergus:''' Right! I'm in fucking charge! And I'm going Nordic drama! ''(to Adam)'' Adam, secure the economist. ''(to Phil)'' You, get Stewart and Mannion back here STAT! :'''Adam:''' Brilliant. Got that, guys? Yeah? Okay? :'''Phil:''' ''(calling out to Fergus)'' Sure. I'll-I'll do it your way for now, Fergus, but, uh, they left me in charge for a reason. :'''Adam:''' I bet you line up all your action figures on the edge of your bath, don't you? :'''Phil:''' 1: I've got a shower. And 2: They're still in the boxes. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Phil, sitting in Peter's office chair, has just left a voicemail for Emma.)'' :'''Glenn:''' ''(entering)'': Have you got any of them yet? :'''Phil:''' No, everyone's ignoring me. It's like the first year of university all over again. Fuck it, the whole of university! ''(Peter's office phone rings.)'' Jesus. ''(answers)'' Hello? No, I can categorically say that Peter Mannion will not be resigning over this. Thank you. ''(hangs up)'' :'''Terri:''' ''(entering)'' Who was that? :'''Phil:''' ''[[wikipedia:The_World_at_One|World At One]]''. I handled it. :'''Terri:''' You don't handle ''The World At One'', Phil, they're not stolen goods. Now listen, if you want to go and play phones, you can go down to the crèche where there's a big phone with big boggly eyes that go round and round when you wheel it about. Now piddle off! :''(Phil leaves. Terri sits down in Peter's chair.)'' :'''Glenn:''' We've got to put something out there, Terri. :'''Terri''': That boy is a simpleton. Two hundred years ago, they wouldn't have let him milk a cow. ''(phones a journalist)'' Jonty! Terri here over at Hectic House. ''(laughing)'' No! No, Peter's not resigning! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Female party worker:''' Free apples! ''[throws ball]'' :'''Everyone:''' Yes and ho! :'''Male party worker:''' Uh, free coffins. ''[throws ball]'' :'''Everyone:''' Yes and ho! :'''Peter:''' Reduce the deficit with spending cuts. :'''Everyone except Stewart:''' Yes and ho! :'''Stewart:''' Peter, Peter, I want to hear new ideas ricocheting off your synapses like a pinball, not just a two year old slogan. :'''Peter:''' Okay, Doctor Jazz, let's hear it. ''[throws ball]'' :'''Stewart:''' We do away with computers. :'''Everyone except Peter:''' Yes and h- :'''Peter:''' ''You idiot!'' That's '''''fucking''''' mental! :'''Stewart:''' No blocking, Peter, only counterpoint. Do away with computers, what do we think? How will it affect us? Good idea? Bad idea? :'''Peter:''' Good idea for me, I wouldn't get anymore of your ''fucking'' emails. ''[Peter gets up]'' :'''Stewart:''' Try and stay cross-legged if you can, but don't break the circle... :'''Peter:''' I'm 54, Stewart. My knees are fucked and my patience is snapped. Some of us had to go through this hippie shit the first time around. :'''Stewart:''' I'm not talking about trying to sell it to the electorate, Peter. I'm talking about exploring it within the free space of the circle. :'''Peter:''' Okay, give me the ball. Give me the ball! Give me the ball. ''(Peter tries to wrestle the ball away from Stewart)'' :'''Stewart:''' No! :'''Peter:''' Give me... give me the ''FUCKING'' ball, Stewart! ''[grabs the ball]'' Let's do away with you. :'''Stewart:''' What? :'''Peter:''' Filter's off, Daddy-o! Let it all hang out! Just suppose your free-range no-consequence bullshit was hugely entertaining when we were in opposition and shitting money, but now we're in government and it's all gone a bit [[wikipedia:J._G._Ballard|J.G. Ballard]], it's irrelevant and infantile! :'''Stewart:''' Oh, very droll, Peter. :'''Peter:''' Oh, and maybe the reason you don't mind handing your phone in is that it doesn't ring as much as it used to. Oh, sorry; ''doesn't ring as much as it used to, yes and ho.''<hr width="50%" />'''Glenn:''' Want the opinion of an old lag? Mannion will have to go. :'''Phil:''' Stick to 'policemen are getting younger', Glenn. Peter's going nowhere, and I don't mean that in a Glenn's career kind of way. :'''Glenn:''' I've seen a lot of people resign, and they're always happier afterwards. :'''Phil:''' You're thinking of lobotomies. Peter resigns over my dead body. :'''Glenn:''' Yes. Yes, that would be the ideal scenario. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Peter, Emma and Stewart are wondering why they have been called away from the Thought Camp.)'' :'''Emma:''' It's probably just Phil, he'll have run out of colouring books or something. :'''Peter:''' Anything to get out of Stewart's think sphincter. :'''Stewart:''' ''(to the hotel receptionist)'' Hello, receptionist. Could I have my phone, please? :'''Receptionist:''' Um, your name, sir? :'''Stewart:''' It's Stewart. :'''Receptionist:''' Stewart? :'''Stewart:''' Stewart Pearson. :'''Peter:''' Peter Mannion. Mine's the old Nokia. Yeah, thank you. :'''Stewart:''' Look, mine's the one with Stewart written on it. :''(Nobody can get a good reception on the phones...)'' :'''Peter:''' I can't get any reception. :'''Receptionist:''' No, you won't round here. :'''Peter:''' What? :'''Receptionist:''' "No reception at reception," we always say. The best spot, sounds stupid, is the children's play area, top of the slide? <hr width="50%"/> :''(Peter and Stewart are forced to run over to the playground to get a reception!)'' :'''Stewart:''' God, I hate the country. ''(to Peter)'' Get higher, you idiot. :'''Peter:''' That's it, that's it, I've got something. :'''Stewart:''' Download the intel, Peter. Come on, put it on speaker. :'''Peter:''' No, I've got loads of messages from my wife and from Phil. :''(Peter's listening to the messages on his cell phone.)'' :'''Peter:''' She's taking the dog to the hospital... :'''Stewart:''' Oh, come on. :'''Peter:''' She's had a long wait...the wound in his paw's gone septic. :'''Stewart:''' Oh please, Peter, move on. :'''Peter:''' Tickle's dead. :'''Stewart:''' What? :'''Peter:''' ''(stunned)'' Tickle's dead. :'''Stewart:''' Okay, it's my turn on that signal, Peter, get down. :'''Peter:''' Wait, I'm listening to the message! I'm listening to the fucking message! Don't -- :'''Stewart:''' I need to get this signal! :''(Peter still doesn't want to slide down the slide.)'' :'''Stewart:''' Stop being so childish! :'''Peter:''' Jesus Christ! :'''Stewart:''' Just get down, Peter. :''(Peter slides down the slide.)'' :'''Stewart:''' I've got it! I've got it! :''(Emma's come over to the playground.)'' :'''Emma:''' Playtime's over. Tickle's dead, okay? Number 10's gone off the hook mental. Stewart, take my phone to call the PM. ''(Emma gives Stewart her cell phone.)'' :'''Emma:''' ''(to Peter)'' Right, Phil's meeting us, he's going to bring a shirt, suit and tie. You are not going to arrive looking like the manager of an organic wine bar. ''(to both Peter and Stewart)'' Right. Come on, come on, come on! Movement! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Fergus, Adam and Glenn are discussing strategy back at DoSAC.)'' :'''Glenn:''' Well, anyway, um, Mannion has surely got to freeze housing disposals now. :'''Fergus:''' Yeah. And on that point, Glenn, I wonder if it might be at all helpful if we collated every single statement Mannion's made about Tickle and the sell-off policy? :'''Adam:''' Yeah, as a sort of favor to selected hacks. Put a bit of air between us and the policy. A ''lot'' of air. :'''Glenn:''' Adam, this is not the time for party political point-scoring. At least let the body get cold. :'''Fergus:''' Of course, understood. What was it? What was it Peter said to those Welsh chartered surveyors? :'''Adam:''' The health service should be for care, not subsidized housing. I mean, that is... :''(Adam mimes an explosion.)'' :'''Glenn:''' Jesus, is this what we came into politics for? :'''Adam:''' Yeah. That and the pussy. <hr width="50%"/> :''(In the car back to DoSAC HQ from Thought Camp, Phil hands Peter a rainbow tie.)'' :'''Peter:''' What's that? I'm supposed to be commenting on a suicide, not a fucking camel race! :'''Phil:''' I thought it would balance out the bad news. You know, yin-yang. [[wikipedia:Jon_Snow_(journalist)|Jon Snow]] does it. :'''Stewart''' ''(on his phone)'': I want Tickle's movements over the last 24 hours, and I want his complete mental health records since he first sat on a potty. :'''Peter:''' Do you think you might need one or two computers for that, Stewart? :'''Emma:''' ''(on her phone)'' Yeah, okay, well, we're going to try and dredge up some firefighting strategy. Yeah, yeah. Absolutely. I'll top-load you as soon as we arrive. Yeah, thanks, okay. All right, bye. :''(Peter is struggling to put his suit jacket on with his seatbelt on.)'' :'''Peter:''' Can I, can I take the seatbelt off? :'''Emma:''' ''(to Peter)'' No, Peter. ''(Emma then sees Stewart tapping his head nervously.)'' Stewart, what are you doing? :'''Stewart:''' It-It helps with the car sickness. :'''Peter:''' This is great, isn't it, Stewart? A conference on crisis management that's been scuppered by an actual fucking crisis. :'''Phil:''' We don't even know why he killed himself yet. I mean, suicide, it's pathetic! At least take some of your enemies with you, that's a noble death. :'''Emma:''' This is going completely nuts, so many questions being asked! :'''Stewart:''' Yes, starting with "Why did Phil bring a tie from the '90s?" :'''Phil:''' Yeah, don't panic, I brought an alternative. ''(shows Peter a black tie)'' :'''Peter:''' But that's too far the other way! :'''Stewart:''' It makes him look guilty. :'''Phil:''' How can he be guilty? He's got the perfect alibi, he was at boot camp. :'''Peter:''' Oh! :'''Emma:''' Brilliant, let's release that, hey? 'There's no actual blood on his hands ''and'' he remembered to wipe the fingerprints off the knife!' :'''Phil''' ''(showing Peter his tie)'': Look, you can wear my tie, what about mine? :'''Peter:''' What's on your tie? :'''Phil:''' Tintin moon rockets. :'''Peter:''' Oh, for fuck's sake! :'''Stewart:''' ''(to Phil)'' God, it amazes me you ever found your way out of your mother's womb! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stewart:''' Terri, poppet, can you send me out a cry-mail, 'We give a toss, we're sorry for your loss', yeah? Peter, we might need to relaunch the trousers. And get him a tie, a bland one; Glenn, one of yours, yeah? :''(Phil goes to get Glenn's tie)'' :'''Fergus:''' Er, Peter, I have a bit of news I should probably make you aware of. :'''Peter:''' Yes I do know, Fergus, a man with an amusing name has died. :'''Fergus:''' Er, no, actually, it's that this morning I, well, I set up a community bank. :'''Emma:''' ... What? :'''Peter:''' You did what? You s– You set up a bank? :'''Phil''' ''(returning with Glenn's tie)'': I had a moment of weakness and they exploited it, like [[wikipedia:Hugh Grant|Hugh Grant]]. :'''Fergus:''' Yeah, well, we didn't really have much choice 'cause it was all going to piss in a kettle here, so we had to get the economist out of the way. :'''Peter:''' What are you talking about? What economist? :'''Fergus:''' Well, we were having a preliminary meeting when Phil started to crow, Glenn was having a meltdown, it was getting embarrassing! :'''Peter''': You bought a bank out of social embarrassment? I sometimes buy ''[[wikipedia:The_Big_Issue|The Big Issue]]'' out of social embarrassment, I don't buy a ''fucking '''bank!''' :'''Fergus:''' Peter, this is so fucking us. :'''Stewart:''' Yeah, let me just wind back, right? Let's get this straight, just so that I can deal with you two properly: how much is this bank? :'''Fergus and Adam:''' Well, £2 billion. :'''Emma:''' ''£2 billion?'' :'''Stewart:''' Sweet Tracey Emin! :'''Adam:''' Alright, don't need to shit yourself about it, because we're not buying it. OK? It's funded by taxes. :'''Emma:''' Oh, that's alright then! :'''Peter:''' Oh great, the triple! I'm a nurse-killer, a banker, and now I'm raising '''''fucking TAXES?''''' :'''Fergus:''' Well, you are meant to be the bad cop, so what's our out? :''(Phil drapes Glenn's tie around Peter's neck)'' :'''Peter:''' You're giving me an actual noose along with a metaphorical one. TROUSERS! :'''Phil:''' Sorry, I'm getting the trousers – ''(interrupted by an alert on his phone)'' Jesus! What were you guys doing at the hotel? There's a picture of you on a slide, it's been tweeted by a golfer. :'''Emma:''' ''(looks at the photo)'' Oh, f– :'''Stewart:''' ''(receiving Phil's phone)'' No no no no no no... :'''Phil:''' It's gonna go big, probably viral. Bigger than ''[[wikipedia:Charlie_Bit_My_Finger|Charlie Bit My Finger]]''. :'''Adam:''' You look like the [[wikipedia:The_Swiss_Family_Robinson|Shit Family Robinson]]. :''(Stewart suddenly screams and hurls Phil's phone at the wall, narrowly missing Emma)'' :'''Emma:''' Jesus Christ! :'''Terri:''' Shit! :''(Stewart storms off)'' :'''Adam:''' Oh, poor Stewart. I think a bit of his brain broke. :'''Phil:''' My phone broke! I was up to Warlock General in Dragonlance! A year of my life, gone! :'''Fergus:''' Er, Peter, speaking of socially embarrassing situations, what the fuck were you doing being photographed ''on a slide''? :'''Peter:''' It was the only place we could get a FUCKING SIGNAL! :'''Fergus:''' Two grown men in a playground, that's a pretty 'clear signal'. :'''Emma:''' Peter, Number 10 have seen the photo. They don't want you to make a statement. So Fergus, looks like you're up. Statement on Tickle in 10 minutes, OK? :'''Fergus:''' Bring it! :'''Emma:''' I'm gonna go and talk Stewart down. :''(Phil tries to hand the pair of trousers to Peter.)'' :'''Peter:''' I don't want the fucking trousers! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Phil gives Glenn his tie back.)'' :'''Phil:''' Here you go, I managed to wrestle your tie back off Terri. I think there's still some of her fingernails in it, though. :'''Glenn:''' Well, in the grand scheme of things, that's not such a big deal. :'''Phil:''' You're not going to come and watch your guy give the statement? :'''Glenn:''' No. He's not my guy, Phil. I'm on my own here, there's no one quite like me. Not here, not any more. :'''Phil:''' Yeah. You're the last [[wikipedia:VHS|VHS]] in [[wikipedia:Oxfam|Oxfam]]. They won't take them anymore, I've tried. Seasons 1 to 5 of ''[[wikipedia:The_X-Files|The X-Files]]'', nothing, can't give them away. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Peter and Stewart share an unexpected bonding moment over their mutual dislike of Fergus while watching him on TV.)'' :'''Fergus:''' ''(talking to the reporters)'' ...for a fairer NHS, for a fairer public housing program. :'''Peter:''' He's exactly why people hate politicians. He's making me hate politicians -- ''him'' in particular. :'''Stewart:''' Any second now, he's gonna do the imaginary tits. :''(Fergus does the "imaginary tits...")'' :'''Peter:''' There they are. ''(Both Peter and Stewart let out sarcastic chuckles.)'' :'''Fergus:''' Thank you. ''(Fergus heads back inside.)'' :'''Peter:''' Look at him. ''(beat)'' Moments like this make you realize why Elvis shot so many TVs. ==Series 4, Episode 4== :'''Malcolm:''' ''(on the phone)'' Sam, hi, listen, can you do me a favour? Buy some flowers for Nicola fucking Murray. Yeah, have them delivered to her home this evening with a card that says: "Sorry you had to go, but let's face it, you are a fucking waste of skin". Waste of skin, yeah. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to a hospital receptionist)'' Morning. I'm looking for a Mr. Oliver Reeder. He looks a bit like a Quentin Blake illustration. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ollie:''' ''(answers his mobile)'' Hi Mum. Yeah, a bit sore – :'''Malcolm:''' ''(entering Ollie's room)'' Here she is, Britain's latest post-op transsexual. How did they do that, did they actually manage to graft one on? ''(briefly lifts up Ollie's bedsheet)'' :'''Ollie:''' I'll call you back, Mum. ''(hangs up)'' It's the scary Morrissey! :'''Malcolm:''' ''(throws Ollie some flowers)'' I've come to cheer you up. :'''Ollie:''' Did you actually buy me flowers, Malcolm? :'''Malcolm:''' No no no, it's [[wikipedia:Roadside_memorial|one of the many advantages]] of living close to an accident blackspot. So how are things, the little boy from ''The Secret Garden?'' :'''Ollie:''' Well, you know, there's no Wi-Fi, there's basic Freeview. It's like living in 2003. But I am lighter to the tune of one whole appendix, so I do feel very svelte. :'''Malcolm:''' So have you seen this? ''(holds up the'' Guardian'', which leads with an interview with Steve Fleming)'' :'''Ollie:''' ''(reads the headline)'' "Nicola Murray is 'unelectable'"? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(throws Ollie the paper)'' Fleming is foaming. :'''Ollie:''' Is that it then, is she fucked? :'''Malcolm:''' Like [[w:Caligula|Caligula]]'s favourite watermelon. Fleming's fired the starting pistol so we can all start firing our ''actual'' pistols into her fucking fat unelectable smug head. :'''Ollie:''' How...Is this it now? :'''Malcolm:''' It's on. It's on like Fat Pat's thong. We're putting Nicola on a train today to Bradford. It's the closest as I could get to locking her in a metal box. :'''Ollie:''' Oh, this is the Here 2 Hear thing. What a great idea, going around the country listening to people tell you that they hate you, just in different accents. ''(In various accents)'' "I fucking hate you." "I hate you." "I fucking hate you." :'''Ollie:''' So wait, today's the day? :'''Malcolm:''' Today's the day. Once she's on the train, I'm going to detonate the main bomb, but I need you to set one off later. :'''Ollie:''' ''(laughing)'' Malcolm, I'm in hospital, I'm not wearing any pants! :'''Malcolm:''' I don't care if you've been dead for a year and playing cribbage with [[wikipedia:Jimmy_Savile|Jimmy fucking Savile]]. I want you to make a bomb and explode it, today. :'''Ollie:''' ''(confused)'' This is a metaphorical bomb, right? :'''Malcolm:''' This is it, [[wikipedia:Jack_Bauer|Jack fucking Bauer]]. Time for you to embrace your inner bastard.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Nicola:''' I'm not going to exploit a suicide. :'''Malcolm:''' Come on, you can't look a gift corpse in the mouth, you should be taking that corpse and slapping the Government about the face with it. Bit of slap with Tickle, yeah? :'''Nicola:''' No, I'm not doing it, it's insensitive, as was that. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nicola:''' Erm, John, maybe – :'''John Duggan:''' Please, call me JD, I've rebranded. :'''Nicola:''' Right. So John, if you could get us some drinks, that would be great. :'''John Duggan:''' Abso-dutely, I could murder a lager! It's all right drinking on trains, isn't it, it's one of those places where alcohol is acceptable at any time of day, like a casino, or Cardiff. That's not racist. I could have said Glasgow, or Dublin. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ben''' ''(to two colleagues)'': Yeah, it's a [[wikipedia:Nigella_Lawson|Nigella]] recipe, you sort of do it with gammon and Coca-Cola. That's fantastic. :'''Malcolm:''' Ah, the hairless [[wikipedia:Rubeus_Hagrid|Hagrid]]. I need a private word. :'''Ben:''' Yeah, we're kind of in the middle of something. :'''Malcolm''' ''(to Ben's colleagues)'': I need you lot to make like a tree and go fuck yourselves. :'''Ben:''' Yeah, we'll pick this up later. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm''' ''(seeing Ben's empty desk)'': Oh I'm sorry, I can come back if you're – I didn't realise you were so fucking busy. :'''Ben:''' Well, I could do some work, but you know what, we're still gonna lose. :'''Malcolm:''' Hey hey hey. Don't be so grim, you big quim. You are the future of this party, yeah? You are the next generation. :'''Ben:''' And you're in its past, I mean – I don't really know why you're still here, Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' I just want to see this thing turn around, right? I can't leave while we're getting fucked in the polls, and we're getting fucked consistently and repeatedly like a horse in the fucking Hebrides. :'''Ben:''' All very original observations, Malcolm MacIntucker, but what's the solution? :'''Malcolm:''' Nicola has to go. Today. :'''Ben:''' Oh, right. :'''Malcolm:''' You need to resign. :'''Ben:''' And challenge her for the leadership? :'''Malcolm:''' Ah, no. No, that would be petty and self-interested. No. You are doing this for the greater good of the party. As Deputy Leader, Dan Miller will take over, and he can be anointed at a later date. :'''Ben:''' So, you want me to stick my cock in a fan so that Dan Miller can become the next Prime Minister? Well fuck you very much, Malcolm. What do ''I'' get out of this? :'''Malcolm:''' I would not ask you to do this for nothing, would I? :'''Ben:''' You might. :'''Malcolm:''' I'm asking you, because you're a big fucking beast. Which is why, when you come back, it'll be as Foreign Secretary. :'''Ben:''' And you mean Foreign Secretary, that isn't code for, like, Northern Ireland, I'm not fucking going there. :'''Malcolm:''' This is the proper Foreign Secretary, with all the perks. Fuck-off breakfasts at Dubai hotels. Tours of secret Russian sex yachts. :'''Ben:''' All right! All right, I'll do it. And you know what? I'd have done it for a lot less. :'''Malcolm:''' I beg your pardon? :'''Ben:''' I'd have done it just to see the look on Nicola's face. :'''Malcolm:''' Oh. I've underestimated you. :'''Ben:''' ''(quite proud of himself)'' You have been out-maneuvered by a player. It happens. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well...didn't used to. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nicola:''' God, this is absolutely ridiculous. We so should have sat separately in first! :'''Helen:''' You can't go in first class, it's career suicide. You might as well do a shit in the aisle. <hr width="50%" /> :''(Glenn Cullen is visiting Ollie Reeder in the hospital)'' :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' So go on, then. How's life in Nazi HQ? Is it fun collaborating? :'''Glenn:''' Oh, don't start all that again. I got into government by accident. :'''Ollie:''' Speaking of which, how is Terri? :'''Glenn:''' She's entering her dog for ''Britain's Got Talent.'' :''(Ollie lets out a big laugh)'' :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Look, what's the matter with you anyway? Please tell me you're looking for a bone marrow donor and that I'm your only hope. The answer would be no, by the way. :'''Ollie:''' Bad luck. No, it's an appendix out. Well, I hope it is. Since your lot took over the NHS, everything's a fucking adventure, isn't it? :'''Glenn:''' Look, all this is incredibly entertaining, Ollie. But you called me over in my lunch hour, and as you're fond of saying, I don't have many of them left. :'''Ollie:''' So you know all this stuff with Mr. Tickle? :'''Glenn:''' Sad business. :'''Ollie:''' Very sad business. :'''Glenn:''' Yeah. Mr. Sad is actually very very sad about it. :'''Ollie:''' Yes. Mr. Happy, on the other hand: fucking delighted! :'''Glenn:''' Yeah? Mr. Stoic's taking it on the chin. :'''Ollie:''' Yes! Mr. Milk-it says we should probably stop this now. :'''Glenn:''' Okey doke. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nicola''' ''(returning to her seat)'': Right, wee mission accomplished. :'''John Duggan''': Actually, having an accurate wee into a moving train toilet would make a great round on ''[[wikipedia:The_Cube_(game_show)|The Cube]]'' with Phillip Schofield.<hr width="50%" />'''Glenn''' ''(entering the toilet)'': Ollie, come on, this is my shittiest lunch break I've had since Stewart took us all out for sushi. :'''Ollie:''' Patience, old man, and you can watch the fuckpuppet master at work now. ''(calls Ben)'' Ben Swain! Benign tumour, Bental illness! :'''Ben:''' Ol– Oliver Cyst, Olivetti – Spaghet– I don't really have time for chit-chat, Ollie. :'''Ollie:''' Are you resigning, mate, are you dropping the R-bomb? [[wikipedia:Enola_Gay|Benola Gay]]? I'm not just, er, talking about the rumours. :'''Ben:''' Let's just say it is time to prepare the hidey-hole for Madame Hussein, her reign of error is over. :'''Ollie:''' And out of interest, Ben, what would it take to stop you from resigning? :'''Ben:''' Why, what's Nicola offering? :'''Ollie:''' Name your price! :'''Ben:''' All right. Shadow Chancellor. :''(Ollie laughs. Glenn barely stops himself from doing so as well.)'' :'''Ollie:''' Ah, you still got it, Benny. :'''Ben:''' I'm serious, stop fucking laughing. :'''Ollie:''' All right, I'll call you back. ''(hangs up)'' :'''Glenn:''' This is a fucking joke! Ben Swain, Chancellor? He goes into debt every time he passes a sweet shop! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm''' ''(answering his phone)'': What have you got for me, Professor Brian Cock? :'''Ollie:''' Ben small-balled it. Nicola's offered him Shadow Chancellor, he's not resigning. :'''Malcolm:''' Christ in a diamond heist, the dopey fucking bollard. Right, how are you getting on with the old man from ''[[Up (2009 film)|Up]]''? :''(Glenn is waiting outside the toilet)'' :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, you know, getting there. :'''Malcolm:''' Well, get a move on. I want him leaking like [[wikipedia:Cliff_Richard|Cliff Richard]] out jogging. :'''Ollie:''' Right. OK. I'll be right on it. ''(hangs up)'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm''' ''(entering Ben's office)'': Oh, here she is. [[wikipedia:Pippa_Middleton|Pippa Middleton]], trying to steal the limelight with your peachy little arse. Right, where are we? :'''Dan:''' Well, I've just offered Ben here Deputy Leadership of the party. :'''Ben:''' I don't want it. I want Chancellor. :'''Malcolm''' ''(surprised)'': Chancellor? Of the United Kingdom? :'''Ben:''' Yeah, it's what Nicola's offering me. :'''Malcolm:''' Are you sure about this Ben, how's your economics? :'''Ben:''' Good, strong. :'''Malcolm:''' What, you're a [[wikipedia:Philosophy,_Politics_and_Economics|PPE]]-er guy? :'''Ben:''' No, History of Art, but – :'''Malcolm:''' Oh right, so you are confident that one day you will be able to shepherd this country out of one of the darkest economic periods in its entire fucking art history? :'''Ben:''' Look, at the moment, I hold all the cards, including the card that tells you how to play, so – so [[wikipedia:It_ain't_over_till_the_fat_lady_sings|it's over. The fat lady's singing]]. :'''Malcolm:''' No she's not. The [[wikipedia:Wynne_Evans|fat man]] from the [[wikipedia:Gocompare.com|GoCompare]] adverts is talking. :'''Ben:''' This is tiger-by-the-tail time and I'm loving it, loving it, loving it! :'''Dan:''' Oh, in that case you leave me no option, Ben, I'm gonna have to say yes. :'''Ben:''' Oh, [[wikipedia:Chumbawamba|Chumba-fucking-wamba]]! Then I resign on the dotted line. :'''Malcolm:''' Can you give us a minute, Ben, please? Dan and I need to talk some strategy. :'''Ben:''' Might head in the direction of confection; any snack-age, anyone? :'''Dan:''' No, no. :''(Ben leaves)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Is this for real? :'''Dan:''' No, of course it's not for real, Malcolm. I'm offering him Chancellor, but I might as well be offering him bass player in [[wikipedia:The_Wurzels|The Wurzels]], because that burly haemorrhoid's getting nowhere near any fucking cabinet of mine. :'''Malcolm:''' Good, so how are you gonna shaft him? :'''Dan:''' That's not my problem. That's your problem, Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' Right, so this is a little test, is it, you're weighing my balls? :''(Dan nods and smiles.)'' :'''Dan:''' Should we get Ben? :'''Malcolm:''' Oh, [[wikipedia:I'll_be_back|he'll be back]]. Like the shit [[wikipedia:Terminator_(character)|Terminator]]. ''(Ben returns)'' There he is.<hr width="50%"/> :'''Ben:''' I hereby tweet, 'I have resigned. More to follow.' Didn't seem that momentous. :'''Malcolm:''' How many followers have you got? :'''Ben:''' 612, or thereabouts. :'''Malcolm:''' Christ, well let's hope it gets retweeted, otherwise you might as well just whisper it to a fucking dead tramp. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Nicola is upset that she wasn't able to get support from a fellow politician in her party.)'' :'''Nicola:''' Fucking fibroid polyp bitch! I hope they sprout out of her abdomen and fucking choke her! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Ben is preparing for his big announcement, but first, Malcolm wants to show Ben something on his cell phone.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' These phones are amazing, aren't they? I've got an [[wikipedia:Mobile_app|application]] here that can throw grenades into people's dreams. :'''Ben:''' So, how do I look? :'''Malcolm:''' Is that your suit with the reinforced trouser arse on it, yeah? :'''Ben:''' Ha, very funny. What, a joke that I'm going to shit myself? :'''Malcolm:''' No, it's because you're gonna need it for the 10 years you're gonna be sitting on the back benches. The e-mail trail about the key worker housing clearly shows that you, Benjamin Trevor Swain, were gleefully in favor of it, just like Nicola. :'''Ben:''' You've...Um... :'''Malcolm:''' There you go. Break a leg, love. And your neck and your wrist. It doesn't really matter. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Meanwhile, Nicola and Helen are on a train back to London, when Nicola realizes...)'' :'''Nicola:''' I never act on impulse. I'm so not impulsive. And Malcolm made me do it now, fuck! :'''Helen:''' What? :'''Nicola:''' Launching this inquiry may prove to be misguided in that I now recall I may have fleetingly supported the policy myself. :'''Helen:''' (in disbelief) So you've essentially launched an investigation into yourself. :'''Nicola:''' Malcolm made me do it. :'''Helen:''' Oh, well, Malcolm, yeah. :'''Nicola:''' You've met Malcolm. I would've said that it was ethically bad. :'''Helen:''' I'll tell you what you said, just give me a minute. ''(Helen scoffs)'' Brilliant. Courtesy of the ''Telegraph'' website. You said, "Great revenue raiser, but I'm afraid it's a no-no because of my bloody husband." I'm sorry. Why would you do that? :'''Nicola:''' You remember all your e-mails, do you, that you sent three years ago? Because from what I understand from Ollie, a large number of them were sent to that married producer on the ''Daily Politics.'' :'''Helen:''' Ollie is a fucking...because...He was supposed to leave her and... :''(Helen wants to come up with a better rescue plan.)'' :'''Helen:''' Okay, while we're on our way back to London, maybe we should make a list of the things, you know, you're for and against. Let's start with something simple. Animals in circuses? :'''Nicola:''' Tell you what. Why don't you make the little list and shove it up your tight, cold arse? I just need to stare. :'''Helen:''' Have a good stare. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nicola:''' ''(on the phone to Ollie)'' You are not going to try and talk me down off a ledge, are you? Because, I've got to tell you, I'm really tired and the pavement looks like a nice, warm, splatty bed right now. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' Right, come on, folks, gather round, grab your cheesy nachos and your fucking [[wikipedia:Vuvuzela|vuvuzelas]]: this is what we've all been waiting for, it's the Queen's fucking speech. :''(A few moments later, as Nicola begins her resignation speech...)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Come on, this is fucking history in the making, right, this is the ending of a chapter of a very thin book that nobody enjoyed reading. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nicola:''' It has become apparent to me that I no longer have the full support of the party. :'''Malcolm:''' You never had the support of the party, you big bag of fucking useless doubt. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Dan enters the room as Nicola concludes her speech.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' And here he is, the anointed one! :''(Malcolm leads the room in applause)'' :'''Dan:''' Oh – please, please, I'm not Christ. He was quite a scruffy man. ==Series 4, Episode 5== :''(In this scene, Peter, Phil and Emma are walking their way upstairs to their office. The news of Nicola Murray's resignation as Leader of the Opposition is being broadcast on TV.)'' :'''Phil:''' There she goes, a tiebreaker in the making. "Who was Nicola Murray? I'll have to hurry you, teams." :'''Peter:''' Farewell, our shit and useless servant. :'''Emma:''' Yeah, at least Miller's a step up from Murray. He doesn't have to write Left and Right on his wellies. :''(Meanwhile, Stewart is leading his team downstairs at their desks.)'' :'''Stewart:''' I need your attention for 30 of your earth seconds. ''This'' is what will happen. :'''Phil:''' ''(looking downstairs)'' What the fuck is Stewart doing? :'''Stewart:''' You will go to the Z drive. You find a file entitled, "Miller Ascension, Whitehall Arab Spring." Open, ingest, implement. And after that...''(While Stewart is talking to the team, he sees Peter, Phil and Emma upstairs and makes an "I see you" gesture towards them.)'' I expect both of you, you two... :'''Peter:''' ''(groaning)'' Oh, fuck. :'''Stewart:''' ...to get together... :'''Peter:''' The man made of space hopper is coming this way. :''(Peter, Phil and Emma continue walking.)'' :'''Emma:''' This is gonna be about the inquiry. :'''Peter:''' ''(to Phil and Emma)'' I'm thinking I should resign now. :''(Emma and Phil are stunned.)'' :'''Emma:''' ''WHAT?'' :'''Phil:''' No, you can't do that! You're [[wikipedia:Aslan|Aslan]]! No one shaves your mane! :'''Peter:''' I'm not a fucking lion, Phil. There's going to be an inquiry into the death of a man who died because of a policy I signed off on. We all know how this is going to end. I, I, I should take the dignified way out. :'''Emma:''' No, you've missed the dignified exit. That was straight away, basically. :'''Peter:''' ''(slumping his shoulders)'' Yeah. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Peter, Phil and Emma are now talking about Fergus and Adam's Carer's Pass policy.)'' :'''Peter:''' The only silver lining in today's cloud of farts is that another one of [[wikipedia:Morecambe and Wise|Morecambe and Wise]]'s policy launches is ruined. :'''Phil:''' Are those the carers? They don't look old enough. :'''Emma:''' Free travel passes or something. It's another one of Adam and Fergus's Pop-Up Book of Policies. :''(As Peter and his team stop by the carers, he politely greets them and shakes their hands.)'' :'''Peter:''' ''(to the carers)'' Peter Mannion, lovely to meet you. What vital work you do. :'''Fergus:''' Peter, I'd love to introduce you to the carers... :'''Peter:''' ''(to Fergus, flatly)'' I've just met them. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Peter, Phil and Emma are now trying to come up with a plan in Peter's office...)'' :'''Peter:''' What's my plan? I didn't resign, and now this inquiry's gonna nail me up like fucking [[wikipedia:Barabbas|Barabbas]]. :'''Phil:''' Actually, he was the one they let go. Shouldn't have, he's a criminal. :'''Emma:''' Wait...We could, we could wrong-foot Murray. :'''Peter:''' Yeah, how? :'''Emma:''' You could push for the inquiry to go wider. :'''Phil:''' Wider? That's mental, we want to shut it down! :'''Emma:''' No, shush! Just hear me out! We can look into the whole, the whole culture of PFI procurement. :'''Phil:''' That is a good idea. :'''Peter:''' Really? :'''Phil:''' Fuck, that hurt to say! But she-she's right, because, um, Murray's husband's involved in PFI and he's as dodgy as a Russian, – as a Russian. :'''Emma:''' We can backspin it, Peter, it's good. :'''Peter:''' But, but is – is revenge a mature response? Let me think: Yes it is. Right, let's poke her in the PFIs. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Stewart is now upstairs talking to more of the DoSAC personnel.)'' :'''Stewart:''' If you get any channel problems, just swing them past the purple Power Ranger over here. (pointing to Terri) :''(As Peter leaves his office, he sees the carers again.)'' :'''Peter:''' ''(to the carers)'' Hello again. Vital, vital work, so proud of you. ''(Then Peter walks over to Terri.)'' Terri, I've got a job for you. :'''Stewart:''' Ah, Peter, this is all pretty white-knuckle stuff, eh? Is it getting the old adrenaline pumping, assuming it can squeeze past the port and stilton – :'''Peter:''' ''(to Stewart)'' Shut the fuck up, you prancing shit. ''(to Terri)'' Uh, we need to widen the inquiry into Mr. Tickle's death to include the issue of PFI contracts. :'''Terri:''' Great. Okay, I'm just working on Fergus's Carers Pass press release... :'''Peter:''' Aw, good. Could you fuck that to one side for the moment and concentrate on this? Yeah. :'''Stewart:''' Let's slip it into neutral for a moment here, Peter. We haven't got a green light from the PM yet, so let's not hit the accelerator. :'''Peter:''' Here's another way of looking at it: Let's. Goodbye. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm''' ''(to party staff, ahead of Nicola's arrival)'': Right, stop rolling around naked in the headlines; [[wikipedia:Thinking_man's/woman's_crumpet|blind man's crumpet]]'s on the way up. If you're gonna film her on your phones, try not to make it obvious, and no smiling. Not even a wee fucking [[wikipedia:Anne_Robinson|Anne Robinson]], right? The look we're going for should be ''solemn respect'': you know, like blokes modelling underpants.<hr width="50%" /> :''(Nicola Murray is trying to ask Dan Miller, the new Leader of the Opposition, NOT to go through with launching the inquiry.)'' :'''Nicola:''' This inquiry, you know, it's not really necessary now, so if-if you want to say that, I'll just back down. :'''Dan:''' ''(unmoved)'' An inquiry wouldn't be a bad thing. A clean break with the past in the minds of the electorate. :'''Nicola:''' Well, I mean, the electorate, you know, like me. ''(chuckling)'' Quite a lot of them voted me leader, so... :'''Dan:''' But you only beat me on a technicality. :'''Nicola:''' Yeah. I mean the thing is, Dan, ''(Dan nods)'' you know, pragmatically, I'm now a party grandee – ''(Malcolm enters)'' Malcolm, this is a private conversation. :''(Malcolm takes a chair and sits down.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' You are not a grandee, you are a fucking blandee. No one knew what the fuck you stood for. Political fucking mist. No substance, no weight. You've got all the charm of a rotting teddy bear by a graveside. By the way...women fucking hate you. I can show you the polling. They think you come across like a jittery mother at a wedding. The best thing you ever did in your flatlining non-leadership was call for an inquiry, because that will fuck the government and it will fuck ''you''. So now, please, just fuck off back to your home, you headless frump, and prepare for your column in ''[[wikipedia:Grazia|Grazia]]''. :'''Dan:''' Steady on, Malcolm, that's a bit strong. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Come on, let's go. :'''Nicola:''' Okay, you, well...You just need to know that you have absolutely fucking done it now, Malcolm, because you are about to find out what it feels like to have me pissing in your tent. :'''Malcolm:''' Well, you know what? Your piss will never fucking make it into my tent, because by some unforeseen Nicola Murray-shaped fiasco, like every fucking Nicola Murray-shaped fiasco I've had to deal with for the last two years. you'll end up blowing your own fucking stream into your own fucking face. ''There's'' your golden handshake. :'''Nicola:''' Finished? :'''Malcolm:''' ''You're'' finished. :'''Nicola:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' We'll see. ''(to Dan)'' Right, well, thanks, Dan. Think about what I said. Also might want to think about the fact there should be an apostrophe in "its" ''(pointing to the "Its Miller Time" sign)'' Illiterate fuckers. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Adam is at Fergus's computer in their office. Adam is showing Fergus an article that will help Fergus distance himself from Peter in the Tickel scandal.)'' :'''Adam:''' Bingo. We just need to leak it. You saying, "Key worker housing sell-off is possibly the worst idea since the invention of theatre." :'''Fergus:''' Does that give us enough distance from Mannion? :'''Adam:''' Oh yeah. This is your Get Out of Jail Free card strapped to a fucking jetpack. We just need to leak it. :'''Fergus:''' Yeah, well, obviously it can't look like it came from us. :'''Adam:''' Maybe it's time to bring Glenn back into the hub. He's been out on a limb since punk, hasn't he? :'''Fergus:''' Thousand-year-old Glenn Fiddich? :'''Adam:''' Yeah. Fucking perfect, he'll love it. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Glenn, meanwhile, is in his office, trying to contact Ollie.)'' :'''Glenn''' ''(on the phone)'': Ollie, look, I'm feeling very exposed here. I've got my cock out, it's covered in breadcrumbs and the fucking pigeons are circling. Look, please, just-just ring me back. :''(Suddenly, Fergus and Adam enter Glenn's office.)'' :'''Adam:''' Mr. Cullen. We would like you to leak -- ''(pretending to be a magician)'' Wow! This. ''(Adam shows Glenn a [[wikipedia:USB flash drive|USB flash drive]].)'' Don't worry, nothing major, just an email that puts a bit of distance between Fergus and the Tickle affair. :'''Glenn:''' What, I go from being a turnip to a leak? Still a fucking vegetable to you, though, eh? :'''Fergus:''' You wanna bring Mannion down a peg or 12, don't you, Glenn? :'''Glenn:''' Yeah, of course I do. The up his arse Kensington Butcher. :'''Adam:''' ''(pointing to the USB flash drive)'' Well, this is the cyanide capsule we'd like you to break into his afternoon brandy. :'''Fergus:''' This is it, Glenn. You're off the bench, back on the pitch to score the golden goal in extra time. Come on, mate! :'''Adam:''' Pick it up. :''(After some thought...)'' :'''Glenn:''' Fuck it. Why not? I'll do it. :'''Fergus:''' Good man. Thank you. :''(Fergus offers to shake Glenn's hand, but Glenn's still a bit, uh, sore...)'' :'''Glenn:''' I don't need to shake your hand. :'''Fergus:''' All right. Touchy, but not feely. :'''Glenn:''' Just go. I'll just have a look at it. :''(As they leave Glenn's office. Fergus and Adam give each other celebratory fist bumps.)'' :'''Adam:''' You are a brilliant bullshitter. :'''Fergus:''' Yeah, well, two years doing press for npower, it never leaves you. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Glenn sneaks into Terri's office to leak the email from her computer while nobody else is looking. But as he's getting ready to do the deed, Glenn's caught by -- who else? -- Terri.)'' :'''Terri:''' Glenn! ''(beat)'' What are you doing at my computer? :'''Glenn:''' I-I'm just doing Bradford & Bingley a favor. I'm bringing down Mannion by leaking an email. :'''Terri:''' A leak? C-Coming from my computer? No. No, get off, get off. ''(pointing to the computer)'' Take that...that, the whatever it is out of the...whatever it is. Take it. Out. :'''Glenn:''' No one will think it's you. Nobody leaks from their own computer. Look, you do this for me and I'll make sure that you get the full severance package, no questions asked, with full pension. :'''Terri:''' ''(tempted)'' And a lump sum? :'''Glenn:''' Yeah, I guess, yeah. :'''Terri:''' ''(whispering)'' The thing is, Glenn, I've got -- I've got my eye on a tea shop near Ludlow. Without a lump sum, no tea shop, no can do. :'''Glenn:''' Okay, right. This can go straight to Geoffrey at ''The Guardian.'' :'''Terri:''' Okay, yeah. :'''Glenn:''' Right. :'''Terri:''' Can we do it together? :'''Glenn:''' What? :'''Terri:''' Please? Just your hand on mine and my hand on yours, just do it together. Like, erm... :'''Glenn:''' Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. :'''Terri:''' Yes, okay. :'''Glenn:''' Not that I'm saying you're butch. :'''Terri:''' No, of course not. :''(And with that, Glenn and Terri lock hands on the computer mouse...)'' :'''Glenn & Terri:''' One, two, three... :''(They click the mouse.)'' :'''Glenn:''' Just send the email. <hr width="50%"/> :''(In this scene, Peter, Phil and Emma arrive at Stewart's office at Number 10. Stewart is preparing a "whiteboard session"...much to Peter's annoyance.)'' :'''Stewart:''' Ah, Team Peter. Come on, guys, let's take a little imagination stroll through a virtual inquiry, yeah? :'''Peter:''' ''(groaning)'' Oh, dear God, not another whiteboard session. I've-I've got a note from my mother, I have a verruca. :'''Stewart:''' Just wanna get an overview, Peter, yeah? A helicopter shot of where we currently are. Who's most to blame in the blame garden. Okay, the onion is PFI. Let's peel back some layers. Murray resignation, how do we feel about that? :'''Peter:''' What's "Tickle's M Records"? :'''Stewart:''' Medical, it's his leaked medical records. :'''Peter:''' Leaked? I-I-I thought they were common knowledge. :'''Stewart:''' Well, they are now, because they have been leaked. :'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' Did you know about this? :'''Emma:''' Well, yeah, Number 10 knew, so I-I knew, yeah. :'''Peter:''' ''(to Phil)'' What about you? :'''Phil:''' Yeah, I-I thought Tickle leaked them himself. :'''Stewart:''' Who would voluntarily leak their own medical records? You'd have to be mad to do that. :'''Peter:''' He ''was'' mad, that's precisely what his records said. :'''Phil:''' Exactly. You know, he was a male nurse. That's not just mad, that's mental. :'''Emma:''' ''(taken aback)'' Oh, Phil! Did the last 30 years only happen to other people? :'''Peter:''' Why didn't I know about this? Leaking medical records ''is'' illegal. Well, I-I -- Now I look guilty and incompetent. :'''Stewart:''' ''(writing on the whiteboard)'' Ah! Peter, incompetent. :'''Peter:''' Look! Don't write that down! I'm not on your sodding onion! :'''Stewart:''' ''(continuing writing)'' What is GFU? Good for us. Mmm? :'''Emma''' ''(looking at her phone)'': Oh, shit with a capital SHIT! We've got to go. :'''Phil:''' Great! ''(stands up)'' :'''Stewart:''' Hey, no no no no no no no, sit. :'''Emma:''' ''The Guardian'' have received an email from Fergus – actually, do you know, strike that, a ''chain'' of emails – Oh, perfect, with all of our comments about Mr. Tickle underneath. :'''Phil:''' Oh God, not-not the one where we all piled in with the ''[[w:Mr. Men|Mr. Men]]'' jokes? :'''Emma:''' Yes, yes. That one, Phil. :'''Stewart:''' Oh, you kid me! :'''Phil:''' Oh, Jesus! :'''Emma:''' I kid you not! :'''Peter:''' Oh my giddy fuck. :''(They all run back to DoSAC while reading the emails on their phones.)'' :'''Emma:''' They've leaked all the bloody emails: 'Mr. Tickle sounds like a gropey clown at a kids' party'. :'''Peter:''' I can't see! Can I make it bigger? :'''Phil:''' Go to Settings. 'Poor ickle Mr. Tickle, perhaps he's mentally sickle.' Must be Fergus. :'''Peter:''' Is this Settings? Oh, I think I've just taken a picture of my feet! <hr width="50%" /> :'''Ollie:''' Erm... Glenn is in reception. :'''Malcolm:''' Hoddle? Miller? Close? Morangie? :'''Ollie:''' Cullen. Glenn Cullen is in reception. :'''Malcolm:''' Glenn? :'''Ollie:''' Yeah. :'''Malcolm:''' Why are you even fucking telling me that? When the Queen's butler finds a cockroach in the pantry, he just stamps on it. :'''Ollie:''' Yes... :'''Malcolm:''' She doesn't even know! :'''Ollie:''' Okay. Okay! I'll go stamp on the cockroach, Malcolm. <hr width="50%" /> :'''Glenn:''' Oh, hey! Shouldn't you be in bed? :'''Ollie:''' Shouldn't you not be here?! Whoa, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop! You can't go up there. :'''Glenn:''' No, I have to. I ''can't'' go back over there, it's like ''[[w:Alien vs. Predator (franchise)|Alien vs. Predator]]''! :'''Ollie:''' Glenn! :'''Glenn:''' I want back in! Here! :'''Ollie:''' Yes, everybody is... tremendously appreciative of what you've done. It was a noble sacrifice, but-- :'''Glenn:''' What do you mean, "sacrifice"? I thought we had a deal! "Sacrifice" sounds very one-sided. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, well, "piss off" sounds one-sided, but there we go-- ''(Malcolm arrives and pushes him aside)'' Hey! M-Malcolm! :'''Malcolm:''' Why is he still here? Can you not perform a simple task? When there is a shit on your doorstep, you hose it off. :'''Ollie:''' Right. :'''Malcolm:''' You don't try to talk it into leaving of its own volition. :'''Glenn:''' I got rid of Nicola for you, you owe me! :'''Malcolm:''' I owe you? Your act of treachery wiped the slate clean. [[Rudolf Hess]]'s fucking senile older brother. :'''Glenn:''' Look, I know you think I screwed up, but I came here on my hands and knees, Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' You, my friend, you don't exist to me anymore, I can't even fucking hear you. :'''Glenn:''' Do you want me to beg? Is-Is that it? Because I -- Because I will. :'''Malcolm:''' Listen, [[Mary, Queen of Scots|Mary, Queen of fucking Shits]]: in the old days we would've just slit you up the middle like a fucking Cornish [[wikipedia:Pasty|pasty]], hanged your steaming entrails all around the Tower of fucking London! Catch you later, you fucking traitor! ''(turns to Sam, who has appeared on the stairs)'' Sam, what is it? :'''Sam:''' It's a call from Stewart Pearson. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(takes the phone from Sam)'' Stewart Pearson. ''(to Glenn)'' I'm the fucking wankers' lodestone today. ''(answers the phone, walking away)'' Stewart. Yes, [[wikipedia:Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy|the goatee-bearded guru-boy of Company B]]. :'''Ollie:''' It's a no, Glenn. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Stewart and Malcolm are having a not-so-friendly chat on their cell phones.)'' :'''Stewart:''' Yeah, Malcolm, can this wait? Hmm? :'''Malcolm:''' Word is the PM's considering an inquiry into the culture of leaking. :'''Stewart:''' No, no. Do you really think he's going to invite everyone into our complex network of secret little burrows? Open up the whole of Watership Down? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Okay, Bright Eyes. I'm massively fucking reassured. :'''Stewart:''' Look, you may as well have an inquiry into gravity. Now I have to go, Malcolm, because I've got like a whole country to govern, yeah? <hr width="50%"/> :''(As Peter, Phil and Emma are coming back to the office, Terri runs up to Peter to beg his forgiveness for the leaking of the chain of emails.)'' :'''Terri:''' ''(to Peter)'' The primary thing I want to say, first and foremost, is that you can't blame me for this. Peter. If-If anything, it's the culture of blame that's to blame for this. :''(Peter and his team walk past Terri and, yet again, pass the carers along the way.)'' :'''Peter:''' ''(to the carers, smiling)'' Great to see you again. Such crucial work you do. ''(to Phil and Emma, angrily)'' Meeting room! :''(Team Peter finally make their way into the meeting room.)'' :'''Peter:''' ''(to Phil and Emma)'' Right, ''SIT DOWN!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''(As soon as Team Peter enters the meeting room and close the door, Peter really lays into Phil and Emma.)'' :'''Peter:''' I can't resign, and I'm not gonna resign. I had the perfect moment to resign, which was right early on, when I could have resigned in a dignified and statesman-like way, and you both advised me not to resign. So now, I can't resign. :''(Phil and Emma agree with Peter's decision not to resign.)'' :'''Peter:''' ''(still composing himself)'' What's gonna happen is this. One of you has got to go. I want both of you to give me reasons why you shouldn't resign. :'''Phil:''' ''(stunned)'' Er, because...because I'm a, a Special Advisor to a...senior cabinet minister. :'''Emma:''' ''(while Phil's talking)'' That's a job description, Philip. That's a job description. :'''Peter:''' ''(unimpressed)'' That's not a reason. That's just your job -- from which I'm asking you why you shouldn't resign. :'''Phil:''' ''(struggling)'' I know everything about you. I am a, a world expert in-in-in Peter Mannion from, uh, PIN number to inside leg measurement. I, I'm-I'm there, um, you know... :'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' What's his inside leg measurement? :'''Phil:''' ''(to Emma)'' 34. ''(to Peter)'' I've given you everything, Peter, you can't...I mean, I-I don't have anything else, that's the point. I don't, I don't have any friends, I don't have any life, I haven't had sex for five years and I don't even enjoy it, so...you know, I'm not gonna get anyone pregnant. I'm never gonna get anyone pregnant, okay? You know, I'm fucking seedless. Whereas she's just, just a fucking baby bomb, okay? :'''Emma:''' Phil, you are just a... :'''Phil:''' And she's gonna go off all over the office and-and leave you! I'm gonna be here! :''(And THEN, to make matters worse for Peter, Terri barges into the meeting room!)'' :'''Terri:''' ''(entering)'' I'm sorry, I'm sorry, but my-my good name is at stake here. :'''Peter:''' Oh, Christ... :'''Terri:''' Peter, you must understand. I am an innocent woman. I'm the DoSAC One. :'''Peter:''' ''(fed up)'' That's it! I've had enough! I've had enough of all of you! You're all shit! I'm gonna sort it out by myself! :''(Peter leaves the meeting room...but now he's trying to outrun Terri.)'' :'''Terri:''' I can't bear that you think about me like this. :'''Peter:''' Don't follow me, Terri. :'''Terri:''' Please... :'''Peter:''' Stop following me. :'''Terri:''' I insist. I insist. I insist, Peter, please... :'''Peter:''' All right, Terri! I admit it, I'm in love with you! Now fuck off back to your office and organize the wedding! <hr width="50%"/> :''(And now, Fergus and Adam are celebrating what seems to be a triumphant victory.)'' :'''Fergus:''' ''(happily)'' Mannion goes [[wikipedia:Mel Gibson|Mel Gibson]]. :'''Adam:''' ''(chuckling)'' Spot it. :''(Fergus and Adam celebrate with a fist bump.)'' :'''Fergus:''' You know, you know what you've done? :'''Adam:''' Yeah? :'''Fergus:''' You, you, you have bought a fan, you plugged it in, you turned it on, you turned the dial up to maximum. :'''Adam:''' It wasn't a weak fan, it wasn't one of those office fans. It was a Dyson. And I stood the other side of it. :'''Fergus:''' Did a liquid shit on it. :'''Adam:''' Trousers down. :'''Fergus:''' And where did the shit go? :''(Adam imitates an explosion.)'' :'''Fergus:''' All over Mannion. :''(But then, Fergus's cell phone chimes...)'' :'''Adam:''' That's just priceless. :'''Fergus:''' Fuck, hang on... :'''Adam:''' What? :'''Fergus:''' Um, check the fucking emails. :'''Adam:''' What are you talking about? :'''Fergus:''' What the fuck did you give to Glenn? :'''Adam:''' ''(checking the computer)'' Well, it was just the email, just the... :'''Fergus:''' Yeah, but it's the whole -- We're on the email. :'''Adam:''' Oh, fucking hell... :''(Fergus and Adam are now starting to panic.)'' :'''Fergus:''' Why did you, why did you leave us on the-on the dongle? :'''Adam:''' Because he's only supposed to send the fucking top part of it. :'''Fergus:''' Why did you give him the choice? :'''Adam:''' Because an email has a chain, Fergus, it has a fucking chain that goes all the way down! :'''Fergus:''' Adam, there is now shit all over me! How come there is shit on me? Thanks, Adam! :'''Adam:''' Look, it's not my fucking fault! He's supposed to redact it! :'''Fergus:''' I just wanted one solid shit to go in one direction! Not [[wikipedia:Madras_curry_sauce|Madras]] fucking everywhere! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Fergus and Adam are now going after Glenn.)'' :'''Adam:''' Hey! [[w:2000 Year Old Man|2000 Year Old Man]]! Why the FUCK did you send the whole email?! Huh?! You were supposed to redact it, send the top email, not the whole fucking exchange! JESUS CHRIST ON A CRYSTAL METH BINGE! :'''Glenn:''' Terri and I sent what you gave me. :'''Adam:''' ''(in hysterical disbelief)'' ''Terri?! Why the fuc–'' THE ONLY REASON I'D EVER ASK TERRI FOR HELP IS TO ''SHOOT'' ME IF I EVER ASKED TERRI FOR HELP! :'''Glenn:''' Same reason you gave it to me: distance! TWO PEOPLE, TWICE THE DISTANCE! :'''Fergus:''' BUT TERRI DOESN'T GIVE US ANY DISTANCE! TERRI GIVES ME A TWITCH, ''(points to his eye)'' RIGHT HERE! YEAH, LAUGH IT UP, GLENN, BUT I'VE GOT A TWITCH, ''CALLED TERRI!'' :'''Terri:''' ''(from behind a book shelf, voice cracking)'' I am actually here, you know! :'''Fergus:''' Yeah, and that, in a nutshell, is the whole fucking problem! :''(Fergus storms off, Adam follows.)'' :'''Adam:''' ''(singsong)'' Fuck you very much! ''(to the carers, who have witnessed the entire exchange)'' Five minutes, guys, yeah? :'''The Carers:''' ''(moaning)'' Thanks. :'''Terri:''' ''(quietly to Glenn)'' Glenn...what about my tea shop? :'''Glenn:''' ''(sarcastically)'' It got closed! There's been a murder! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ollie:''' An inquiry into all of leaking, all of leaking! We are so ''–'' We are so screwed! :'''Malcolm:''' He's done it. That chinless horse-fiddler. Our fuck-lustrious PM has opened Pandora's fucking Box, and curled a massive steamer right into it! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stewart:''' In the time it has taken for Terri to extract herself from her Bluetooth, this little inquiry has fused! It is now growing faster than the speed of bloody light! It's not gonna be something that we can see ''from'' space, IT'S GOING TO ''BE'' SPACE! [[w:Brian Cox (physicist)|BRIAN COX]] IS GONNA PHONE ME, AND ASK FOR THE FILM RIGHTS! :'''Peter:''' BUT WHAT LEAK, WHAT LEAK, ''WHAT FUCKING LEAK?!'' :'''Stewart:''' ANYTHING! If I find out that ''anyone'' from here has leaked ''anything'', I will make sure they have to emigrate after this to a country where they don't speak English, and there's no Internet! :'''Peter:''' But every-everyone who leaked anything, that would fill the fucking Caspian Sea, we're just a drop in the ocean here! :'''Stewart:''' No, no, no, what you are, Peter, is Leak Zero! It started here! You have presided over a shambolic showering of info! Peter Mannion, 'Singing in the Rain'! ''(mobile rings)'' Oh, Christ. ''(answers)'' Hello, Malcolm! :'''Malcolm:''' Right, was this your idea? Because I don't remember signing any suicide pact. :'''Stewart:''' Malcolm, look, I'm as shocked about this as you are. :'''Malcolm:''' Yes. You sound ''really'' shocked, you big fucking spunk lolly. :'''Stewart:''' Yeah, look, I don't even know what that is. But I, you know, I think we all need time to, to process this data, yep? :''(Fergus and Adam burst in)'' :'''Fergus:''' WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?! :'''Adam:''' ''(restraining Fergus)'' All right, Fergus. ''(calmly)'' What the fuck is going on? :'''Phil:''' [[w:Raiders of the Lost Ark|The Ark has been opened, and your face is gonna melt!]] :'''Emma:''' There's gonna be an inquiry. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' Have I just stepped through a portal into a sausage machine? Because this is making mincemeat of my head. [[wikipedia:It's the End of the World as We Know It (And I Feel Fine)|It's the end of the world as we know it]]. To paraphrase a popular fucking [[wikipedia:The Bangles|Bangles]] song. :'''Ollie:''' It was, erm...It was [[wikipedia:R.E.M.|R.E.M.]] :'''Malcolm:''' Don't start contradicting me on that kind of shit. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm is trying to talk to Ollie about the importance of leaking in the governmental system.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Leaking is a fundamental component of our governmental system! If a government can't leak, do you know what happens? Dark shit builds up, and then ''–'' it ''bursts!'' And that's something you don't want to see! You think your appendix was bad? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' This is the gift that's gonna go on giving, believe you me. So you'd better keep your head down. And I don't mean just when you're frequenting your favorite glory holes. :'''Ollie:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Yeah, well...Whereas ''your'' closet is ''completely'' free of skeletons, isn't it, Malcolm? 'Cause you've buried them in a landfill in Essex. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' When this inquiry lands, you'd better have developed a very flat, stony face with no expression. But that'll be easy for you: it's your fucking cum face, isn't it? <hr width="50%"/> :''(deleted scene)'' :''(Malcolm wants Ollie to visit Nicola at her home)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Just go and stop her doing anything mental, right? Which, given that she thought she could be Prime Minister, the parameters for mental are about as wide as your mother's legs when the fleet's in town. :'''Ollie:''' All right, if I'm doing this for you, can we have a bit more respect for my mother, please? Those sailors get lonely. :'''Malcolm:''' This is some of my best stuff, and it's being ignored. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, what does that tell you?<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Glenn:''' But I came here on my hands and knees, Malcolm, I'm supplicating here; I'm a supplicant, Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' Well, unfortunately, that ship has sailed, hit a fucking iceberg, sunk, and [[wikipedia:Julian_Fellowes|Julian Fellowes]] has written [[wikipedia:Titanic_(2012_miniseries)|a fucking shit drama]] about it. ==Series 4, Episode 6== :''(This is the opening scene of this episode. Welcome to the Goolding Inquiry.)'' :'''Lord Goolding:''' This is an inquiry into the death of Mr. Douglas Tickel. And the practice and culture of the dissemination of confidential information between political parties and the public media. Mr. Weir. :'''Simon Weir:''' Uh, thank you, Lord Goolding. Um, our first witness today is, uh, is Mr. Stewart Pearson. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Stewart Pearson is ready to testify before the Goolding Inquiry Committee. He takes the oath, but politely declines to put his hand on the Bible.)'' :'''Stewart:''' ''(to the Bible holder)'' No, that's, er, it's fine. ''(taking the oath)'' Yeah. Um, I, Stewart Pearson, do sincerely declare and affirm that the evidence I shall give will be the truth, the whole truth and, and nothing but, uh, the truth. :'''Simon Weir:''' On page, uh, 235 of your, your witness statement...uh, you describe yourself as the, the "Human Rooter" in government. Can you, uh, can you explain what you meant by that? :'''Stewart:''' Um, I'm a...a "router," in the sense that I control the governmental informational ingestion and egestion process. :'''Simon Weir:''' Uh, Mr. Pearson, just to clarify, your job is -- is to make sure that the public perception of your government's program is a positive one, is that fair? :'''Stewart:''' It's not about perception, yeah? I believe in government as a transceiver, mmm? :'''Simon Weir:''' A transceiver? :'''Stewart:''' Yeah, it's really important, yeah, sure, to give out a, uh, a strong signal, but you -- to be effective, you've got to listen for an echo. :'''Lord Goolding:''' Could you possibly speak in plain English? :'''Stewart:''' I'm sorry, I, I...I thought, I thought I was. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' So what-what is clear is that you are an important man, Mr. Pearson. :'''Stewart:''' I'm just a lad from Leeds with a lust for life, yeah? Um...there's an, uh, an African proverb that's, that's stuck with me, yeah? "If you think you're too small to make a difference, you've never spent a night with a mosquito." :'''Baroness Sureka:''' So...part of your job is to make sure that the government's message gets across clearly? Is that right? :'''Stewart:''' That's correct. And despite the sarcasm marinating in that question, I'm very successful in that endeavor. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' ''(correcting Stewart)'' No, there was no sarcasm intended at all, Mr. Pearson. :'''Stewart:''' Sorry, I must have misread your face. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Um, does your job intrude on your home life? :'''Stewart:''' No. No, when I, when I close the front door, I'm...I'm no longer Stewart Pearson. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' When you... :'''Stewart:''' I mean, I mean when I close it from the, from the inside. You know, right. When I close it from the outside, then...then I very much am Stewart Pearson. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' So who are you at home? :'''Stewart:''' Uh, I'm a husband, I'm a -- pardon me, a lover, I'm a carpenter, I'm a cook, I'm a flautist. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' A... :'''Stewart:''' A flautist. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Right. :'''Stewart:''' I play the flute. And I dabble on the Irish bodhrán. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Um, and would you like to express any, uh, remorse for Mr. Tickel's death? What would you like to say to his family? :'''Stewart:''' Uh, I would like to offer them maximum respect, you know? And maximum remorse. And maximum assurance that Mr. Tickel did not die in vain. We're here. You know? How can we make the government and the media inclusive without being intrusive? Yeah? And if we can answer that, at least we can make sure that there are no more Mr. Tickels. ''(Stewart corrects himself)'' I mean--I mean that not in the sense of, you know, wiping out the Tickel family name. I mean it in the sense that nothing like this will ever happen again. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Hello, Mr. Pearson. Tab 28 in your bundle there, page 263. ''(Both turn to that page in their folders.)'' A paper that you presented in 2006, 'The Iconography of Consensus.' Would you care to summarize the argument you present there? :'''Stewart:''' Sure, yeah, the main thrust – :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Bearing in mind Lord Goolding's desire for plainness and clarity. :'''Stewart:''' Right. Okay. I, um, hypothesise that – Sorry. I ''say'' that the design structure for a parliamentary democracy should be that of the [[wikipedia:Centre_Georges_Pompidou|Pompidou Centre]]: Morally and structurally explicit and open, a porous membrane. :'''Lord Goolding:''' Maybe just a little bit plainer, Mr. Pearson? :'''Stewart:''' People should know, er, what politicians are doing. :'''Lord Goolding:''' Brilliant. :'''Stewart:''' Thanks. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Government should be porous? :'''Stewart:''' Yes. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' But not leaking. :'''Stewart:''' Come on, if someone is determined to leak information, there's nothing that anyone can do about that. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' So as Director of Communications, you are unable to prevent sensitive material being communicated to journalists? :'''Stewart:''' If someone chokes on a packet of crisps, do you issue an arrest warrant for [[wikipedia:Gary Lineker|Gary Lineker]]? :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Well, is it fair to say that you have in fact changed nothing, and government communications carries on exactly as they did before, by leaks and whispers? :'''Stewart:''' No, it is not fair to say that. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' In fact, because you disapprove and ''condemn'' these practices, are they not more covert and more hidden and more secret than ever before? :'''Stewart:''' I think that is-is also an unreasonable assertion. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' In spite of your desire to create a political Pompidou Centre, Mr. Pearson, haven't you created the opposite, [[wikipedia:Centre_Point|Centre Point]]? I mean, everybody sees it looming over them but nobody has the faintest idea what happens in there. :'''Stewart:''' ''(calmly, but sarcastically)'' I think there's some kind of club on the top floor. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' So, Mr. Pearson, have you identified the source of the leak of Mr. Tickel's records? :'''Stewart:''' No, no. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Have you ever leaked yourself? :'''Stewart:''' No. No, I was over that pre-Britpop. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Do you have any idea where the leak might have come from? :'''Stewart:''' Well, you know, if this was ''[[CSI: Miami]]'', I guess we'd be looking for the person who'd have most to gain from the leak being made public. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Well, despite your shirt, this isn't ''CSI: Miami''. Who do you think would benefit most from the leak? :'''Stewart:''' Well, I guess I'd be sending [[wikipedia:David_Caruso|David Caruso]] knocking on the door of Mr. Malcolm Tucker. <hr width="50%"/> :''(And now, Malcolm Tucker takes his turn with the Goolding Inquiry.)'' :'''Lord Goolding:''' Can I ask you, "How would you describe yourself?" :'''Malcolm:''' Uh, I'm, uh, a media strategist. :'''Lord Goolding:''' So you would be Stewart Pearson's opposite number? :'''Malcolm:''' Well, uh, I'd be Stewart Pearson's opposite in every possible way, I think. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' You have a lot of control and power over your party, don't you? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(laughs slightly)'' I wish, yes. Uh, no. I think that that's been overstated. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' So this reputation you have as an enforcer, that's completely misrepresenting you, is it? :'''Malcolm:''' It's baloney. Politicians who have to do things that they don't want to do, such as resign, uh...Because they've been caught with their fingers in the till, or, you know, with their knickers up a flagpole or whatever, they sometimes...It's very convenient for them to have a boogeyman. "Malcolm made me do it." Well, I didn't make them do it. These are people who just find themselves stuck in a room with one exit and I simply show them the door. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' I've highlighted some quotes: The ''Guardian'': 'Malcolm Tucker has the physical demeanour and the political instincts of a ''Velociraptor''.<nowiki/>' :'''Malcolm:''' Yes, the ''Guardian'', the newspaper that hates newspapers. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' ''Telegraph''. :'''Malcolm:''' The ''Telegr-arse''. :'''Baroness Sureka'''<nowiki/>''':''' 'Tucker's writ runs through the lifeblood of Westminster like ''r''<nowiki/>''aw alcohol'', at once cleansing and<nowiki/> corroding.' The ''Times'': 'If you<nowiki/> make eye contact with Malcolm Tucker, you have spilled his pint.' The ''Spectator'': '[[wikipedia:Iago|Iago]] with a BlackBerry'; I mean, you're saying these quotes are, what, misguided? :'''Malcolm:''' The ''Spect-hater''. Erm, no, I'm saying that you are not – you're taking these out of context, you're not contextualising these. If you were to<nowiki/> put them into a perspective, if you were to place them into the landscape, you would see that there might be a lot of axes being ground here. I don't see the difference between what you have just done and a leak, by the way. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Well, the difference is that what I've just read out was not obtained illegally. :'''Malcolm:''' How do you know that? You don't know <nowiki/>what confidences have been breached in order to form these ''opinions'', for that is what they are. :'''Ba'''<nowiki/>'''roness Sureka:''' So you accept leaking as part and parcel of the political media machinery? :'''Malcolm:''' Yes, I mean, if you didn't have leaking, the newspapers would just be full of long-lens bikini shots and adverts for sheds and offers to buy three pairs of trousers for a tenner, et cetera, it's just – it's the way it is. Big deal, no one dies. :'''Lord Goolding:''' One person ''did'' die, Mr. Tucker. :''(Malcolm simply gives a "so be it" look.)'' :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Would you tell us how it works? :'''Malcolm:''' You know, you do me a favor, I do you a favor, yeah? :'''Lord Goolding:''' And what might you expect in return? :'''Malcolm:''' Anything. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' What? :'''Malcolm:''' Well, a [[wikipedia:Kit Kat|Kit Kat]], you might get -- I've had a Kit Kat. I've had a, uh, a big meal. :'''Simon Weir:''' Well, I mean, could you give us an example of what you mean? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(going through his notes)'' Um...Well, yes. I...This is the ''Daily Mirror.'' And I could get drummed out of the Magic Circle for showing you this. Anyway, this is the ''Daily Mirror'' about the "Quiet Batpeople", uh, policy of, uh, Mrs. Nicola Murray. ''(Malcolm shows the inquiry committee a picture of the "Quiet Batpeople" headline.)'' I was there that day. You can't see me, because I've been cropped out here. But this information here, I made sure that those notes were in that place, that they were available, and that the picture editor, uh, knew where to find them. :'''Simon Weir:''' Sorry, I'm just trying to...trying to get this clear. Was Mrs. Murray not the subject of huge derision as a result of this? :'''Malcolm:''' Uh, no, she was a subject of huge derision before this. :''(Chuckles emanate from the gallery.)'' :'''Simon Weir:''' You were trying to undermine the leader of your party? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(putting away the picture)'' I was... :'''Simon Weir:''' Would you, would you say you were a loyal man, Mr. Tucker? :'''Malcolm:''' I'm loyal, yes. I'm loyal to my party. And, uh, I feel that Mrs. Murray's policies were turning the party into -- I don't know if you've seen those calendars that have got pictures of dogs that are dressed up, and they've got little dresses and hats on. She was turning my party into that, she was humiliating my party. So I thought it was absolutely vital to focus the public's attention onto that. :'''Simon Weir:''' And yet you maintain that you had great -- I don't know, what, respect for Mrs. Murray as a person. :'''Malcolm:''' Yes, she was a great laugh occasionally, great dancer, she's got terrific hair. She did a good job at DoSAC. A much better job than her successor, who, let's not forget, was playing on a slide when the news of Mr. Tickle's... :'''Simon Weir:''' Yeah, thank you. :'''Malcolm:''' ...death came out. :'''Simon Weir:''' Mr. Tucker, we're well-versed in the events surrounding the... :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. :'''Simon Weir:''' ...the death of Mr. Tickel. ''(beat)'' So, tell me, the PFI email that, uh, led to the, to the resignation of Nicola Murray. Did you, did you engineer that? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(takes a long pause...)'' No. No. ''(beat)'' No I didn't. :'''Simon Weir:''' And, uh, the leaking of Mr. Tickel's health records? Do I mean, do I detect your hand in-in that, for instance? :'''Malcolm:''' No no no no. Look, politics is a war. And politicians, sometimes they lose idealogical limbs, right? They get media shrapnel right in the face. Sometimes they get a bullet right in the brain. Civilians, no. There is no way that I would ever attack a civilian, a real person, and especially not somebody with a history of mental illness. Because ''that'' sort of thing -- makes me queasy. :'''Simon Weir:''' So you're a "ethical" leaker, if you will? :'''Malcolm:''' I use leaking to show up corruption, to show up hypocrisy, to show up idiocy, and also the fourth horseman of the political apocalypse, duplicity. For instance: Fergus Williams. He's coming up next, right? :'''Simon Weir:''' Mmm-hmm. :'''Malcolm:''' This is a guy, he's a member of the junior party in this coalition, right? This guy has already opened a private channel to Dan Miller, the Leader of the Opposition. In order to talk about possibly setting up a coalition with him, because he knows very well that this coalition government that he is lumbered with is being torn to pieces like a bread stick at a picnic. :'''Lord Goolding:''' ''(very upset)'' Mr. Tucker, you have just used this inquiry to commit a leak in front of us! :'''Malcolm:''' I have not committed a leak. Everybody in Westminster knows that these talks have taken place, everyone. You're supposed to be investigating this. You're supposed to be discovering this stuff. Now you cannot not know what I or anyone else tell you, right, you can't not know that. You cannot not know what you now know. :'''Lord Goolding:''' Mr. Tucker, are you familiar with the rules of association football? :'''Malcolm:''' Well, I understand that if you're gonna have an affair, you'd better take precautions, like getting a superinjuction. :'''Lord Goolding:''' ''(sternly)'' I ask you, because this is me giving you a yellow card. You are not to use this inquiry to score political points. :'''Malcolm:''' Sorry, I'm, I apologize. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Fergus Williams takes his turn giving testimony in front of the inquiry.)'' :'''Matthew Hodge:''' ''(to Fergus)'' Did you see Mr. Malcolm Tucker's evidence earlier? :'''Fergus:''' Uh, yeah, I-Uh, uh, I saw it out of the, out of the corner of my eye. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Would you like me to read what he said about you? :'''Fergus:''' Uh, no, that's fine, that was the bit that I saw. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Embarrassing, I imagine? :'''Fergus:''' ''(emabarrassed, but gathering himself)'' Uh, no, not at all. It was, um, almost, uh, flattering, yeah...uh, to get, uh, to get "Tuckered." It's a, it's a rite of passage in-in-in, in politics. Happens to all of us. It's, you know, it's like when you're in a Russian jail, you get your face tattooed. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Mr. Tucker mentioned meetings between you and the Leader of the Opposition. Did these take place? :'''Fergus:''' ''(after a pause)'' They did, yes. Er, myself and, uh, Adam were part of a team who had very general, noncommittal discussions with, amongst others, Mr. Miller. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' And you discussed a potential future coalition with his party and the removal of your own party leader, is that correct? :'''Fergus:''' ''(taken aback)'' Sorry, could I possibly answer that question with another question? I mean, not that question I'm just asking, but a further question? :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Go on. :'''Fergus:''' You do realise that ''you're'' being spun here, you do see that? :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Spun? :'''Fergus:''' 'Cause, you know, Malcolm Tucker's not your common or garden spin doctor, right? No, he's the-he's...he's the chief medical officer of spin – he is Spinoza, you see? So he, he didn't come here in order to answer your questions, he came here in order to get ''you'' to then ask ''his'' questions. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Yeah, right, Mr. Williams, I don't want you to answer a question with another question, I want you to answer it with an answer. :'''Fergus:''' I mean, he's conducting you like, um – Goldie. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Did you talk to Mr. Miller about removing your party leader? :'''Fergus:''' ''(in disbelief)'' Sorry, are you getting Tucker's questions sort of beamed straight into your brain? :'''Lord Goolding:''' ''(firmly)'' Mr. Williams. :''(A short time later...)'' :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Finally, um, on the subject of frustration, would you say it's difficult to steer policy ideas through your department? :'''Fergus:''' ''(stumbling in his testimony)'' Uh, yes, there are, uh...blockages. Uh, there is one person in particular and, well, you know, I don't want to identify her -- or him, if she was a man. Uh, but this particular person, uh, is rather inept and has hampered a lot of our initiatives. And she, or her, or him is, um...very difficult to remove. And so she's a, he is a...they are a stubborn blockage, shall we say, like, you know, when you get hair and soap in a-in a-in a plughole with skin flakes. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' ''(reassuring)'' Thank you. Thank you, Mr. Williams. That's, that's fine. :'''Fergus:''' Sorry, can I just say... :'''Lord Goolding:''' We are very pressed for time, I'm afraid. :'''Fergus:''' Yeah, but I really didn't want the last thing I said... :'''Lord Goolding:''' I'm sorry. :'''Fergus:''' ...to be "skin flakes." :'''Lord Goolding:''' Thank you. <hr width="50%"/> :''(And now, Peter Mannion is discussing Douglas Tickel with the Goolding Inquiry.)'' :'''Simon Weir:''' Uh, when did you first become aware of, uh, Mr. Tickel? :'''Peter:''' When he became the only, um, key worker to refuse our offer of alternative accommodation. Uh, then he sort of dropped off my radar. The next thing I knew he was sewing badges on his tent, and, uh, shouting abuse through a loud hailer. :'''Simon Weir:''' Did you ever feel yourself to be culpable in any way for his, for his homelessness? :'''Peter:''' Look, he-he was homeless only in the sense that he had no home, erm – ''(There are chuckles from the gallery. Peter briefly turns round to them.)'' No, no, a [[wikipedia:Housing_association|Housing Association]] flat was found, which he-he declined. The ''policy'' didn't make him homeless. :'''Lord Goolding:''' The policy of selling off the block of flats where he lived. :'''Peter:''' He made a positive decision to be homeless. It's the difference between being punched in the face and punching yourself in the face. :'''Simon Weir:''' Erm – Why do you think, to use your phrase, he, uh, he punched himself in the face? :'''Peter:''' ''(stammering)'' Why? Well, because he was mentally, er – because he, he, he had, er, mental issues. :'''Simon Weir:''' The email leaked to ''The Guardian,'' uh, which you'll find on pages, uh, 276 to 277 in the-in the evidence...uh, one of your advisers describes Mr. Tickel as, um, "fucking [[wikipedia:Florence Nightingale|Florence Shiteingale]]." Do you not feel that's, uh, a little callous? :'''Peter:''' (dismissively)'' This is-this is, er, rough-and-tumble office banter, er, schoolboy showers stuff. And-and-and schoolgirl showers. Not that -- I mean, not-not literally, but... :''(A few moments later...)'' :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Are you familiar with the phrase "data smuggling"? :'''Peter:''' Data what? :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Um, passing on data from a closed system to an unauthorised source in exchange for money. :'''Peter:''' Oh, yes, right. I see, well it seems everyone's at it. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Are you at it, Mr. Mannion? :'''Peter:''' ''(scoffing)'' No, I'm-I'm-I'm not very good with technology. Uh, the Paper Mate pen is still cutting edge technology as far as I'm concerned. Writes upside-down, you know. :''(Matthew Hodge wants to discuss Douglas Tickel's death with Peter.)'' :'''Matthew Hodge:''' You've told the inquiry that you didn't feel, uh, at all guilty over Mr. Tickel's death. :'''Peter:''' ''(getting defensive)'' Well, I-I-I felt ''bad.'' But-but not ''guilty.'' I-I didn't kill him. I-I've never killed anyone. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Well, no. I mean, noted, but I mean, do you think you could have made a difference, uh, if you had been contactable that day? :'''Peter:''' Why? He wasn't trying to call ''me'', I mean, I-I'm not the [[wikipedia:Samaritans_(charity)|Samaritans]]. In fact, um, uh, apparently, tonally, I-I have a very depressing voice. :''(But WAIT, Peter -- there's more questions!)'' :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Mr. Mannion, do you know Mr. Alistair Leyton, a senior executive at ''The Times''? :'''Peter:''' Yes. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Did you ring Mr. Leyton on the 25th of April to tell him that Mr. Tickel's medical records had been unlawfully obtained, and that this might form the basis of an explosive news story? :'''Peter:''' Did I, uh, ring him on that day, do you mean? I -- Well, I-I can't remember. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Well, did you ring him on any day telling him? :'''Peter:''' ''(trying to assert himself)'' Look, I came into politics to make a difference, to-to ''dare'', to-to get things done, not-not to ''leak'' things, or-or, or ''spin'' or, or ''blag'' or-or...''smuggle'', but-but to ''serve'' with honest, hard work, to ''do''. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' And did you do something? Did you contact your friend at ''The Times''? :'''Peter:''' No, I-I-I didn't do that. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Simon Weir:''' Perhaps we could start by just giving us an idea of what a special adviser does? :'''Emma:''' Erm, er, well, technically, essentially, we just advise a minister. Erm, sort of, media strategies, political strategies, that sort of thing. :'''Simon Weir:''' But you're not permanent members of the Civil Service? :'''Phil:''' Er, no, they're like the, er, the worker ants. We're more like, er – well, not the queens, that would be Peter Mannion and, to a lesser extent, Fergus Williams – we're more like the soldier ants that defend the queens. :'''Simon Weir:''' Would you like to add anything, Mr. Kenyon? :'''Adam:''' Yes, I'm not sure that the ant analogy helps, at all. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Mr. Smith, how would you characterise your relationship with Mr. Kenyon? :'''Phil:''' Well, I think, when you get two silverbacks like Adam and I in a room, there's always going to be a certain amount of chest-beating, but, erm, there's a mutual respect. :''(During Phil's answer, Adam embarrassingly puts his head in his hand.)'' :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Would you agree, Mr. Kenyon? :'''Adam:''' Yes. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Baroness Sureka:''' You yourselves were subject to a leak, weren't you, in the ''Guardian''? How did you feel about the email containing your thoughts about Mr. Tickel's death? :'''Adam:''' Erm, it was shameful, and it was insensitive – :'''Emma:''' Absolutely. :'''Adam:''' – and we would like to apologise for that. It's dreadful. :'''Emma:''' I agree, ''(points to Adam and Phil)'' I mean, their comments were absolutely... unforgivable, mortifying. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' ''(reading)'' 'How many Mr. Tickles does it take to [[wikipedia:Lightbulb_joke|change a light bulb]]? He doesn't have a light bulb, he's in a tent.' 'How do you turn Mr. Tickle into Mr. Happy? [[wikipedia:Lithium_(medication)|Lithium]].' 'What's the difference between Mr. Tickle and [[wikipedia:Lawrence_Oates|Captain Oates]]? Captain Oates has a less stupid name.' Erm, and one I feel that is particularly cruel, Miss Messinger, given Mr. Tickel's mental health issues: 'The fucker's a nutbag'. :'''Emma:''' I'm sor-– It-– That is not okay. Sorry. :'''Phil:''' If I could add a ''mea culpa'' here rather than dancing around it? Others may choose to attempt to wriggle off the hook of shame, but, um, I cannot, I cannot deny that my name is on those emails, and yet I do not recognise that man. It is me, and yet, it is another, and for that I am truly sorry. This has been a humbling moment in my quest to become the man I know I can be. <hr width="50%" /> :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Very good to see you this morning, Infamous Terri Coverley. ''(Terri laughs.)'' Why are you smiling? :'''Terri:''' I'm not smiling. Or rather, I'm smiling, but it's something I do when I'm nervous, erm – :'''Matthew Hodge:''' You have a guilty conscience? :'''Terri:''' No no, no no. No, I don't have a guilty conscience but I do have a guilty face, erm – I do blush a lot and that's a circulation thing, not a moral thing, though I do ''act'' guilty, erm – When I was a child, erm, my brother's hamster was put into a remote control aeroplane, tragic consequences, and, erm, unfortunately I was blamed for that, although I had nothing to do with it, it was that I just looked guilty, so I would ask you to bear that in mind. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Can you explain to us how communications works in government? :'''Terri:''' Well, erm, I use an analogy. Erm, I like to think that dealing with the press is not so much herding ''cats'', it's more herding sheep, and I am the shepherdess, erm, if you like, it's – In order to be an efficient shepherdess, one needs a number of things, I mean – Firstly, one needs a whistle. That's my voice. Secondly, one needs a coat, and that's my coat. And thirdly, one needs a dog, and that in my case is a lady called Robyn.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Simon Weir:''' Would you say that there is a culture of bullying within DoSAC? If I could ask you first, Ms Murdoch. :'''Robyn:''' Erm, I'd say there was a culture of bullying ''me'' at DoSAC. :'''Simon Weir:''' You've experienced bullying there? :'''Robyn:''' Well, you know, I see them all standing around, you know, chattering like squirrels on Red Bull, and when I ask them what they're talking about, they usually bark a tea order at me; or, you know, or call me, er, the blonde bombshite, if I can use that word, or some other horrible sweary thing. :'''Simon Weir:''' That's the form the bullying takes? :'''Robyn:''' And if you refuse to make your boss's tea, you know, they call you [[wikipedia:Mariella_Frostrup|Mariella Shitstrop]]. Or [[wikipedia:Nancy_Sinatra|Flouncy Sinatra]], which doesn't even really work! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Ollie Reeder is ready to deliver his testimony in the inquiry, but first, Lord Goolding makes an important announcement.)'' :'''Lord Goolding:''' As you can see, Baroness Sureka is not with us and will remain absent while she deals with the personal allegations published in ''The Sunday Times.'' This in no way invalidates this inquiry, nor does it compromise the integrity of any questioning conducted by Baroness Sureka. Mr. Hodge. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Thank you. ''(to Ollie)'' Uh, Oliver Reeder, you were a senior adviser to Nicola Murray during her time as Secretary of State at DoSAC. :'''Ollie:''' Yup. I was, uh, ''the'' senior adviser. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Very good, and when Ms. Murray became Leader of the Opposition, uh, you were also one of her senior advisers? :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, again, ''the,'' the senior adviser, yeah. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' I see, and now you're a senior adviser to Mr. Dan Miller? :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, yeah, a slightly less pivotal role with, with Dan, but part of this, kind of, a larger pivot, really. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Mmm-hmm, thank you. Uh, Mr. Reeder, they say that in politics, knowledge is power. :'''Ollie:''' True, yes. Although that doesn't mean that Carol Vorderman should be, uh, Prime Minister. Er...Or I should've, or maybe I should say Stephen Fry, 'cause Carol's just maths, but yeah. :'''Simon Weir:''' You've known, um, Malcolm Tucker for, for, for some years now. :'''Ollie:''' Yes I have, yes. :'''Simon Weir:''' He seems like, uh, an intimidating person. Is he? :'''Ollie:''' Uh, well, I mean, not, not to me. :'''Simon Weir:''' No? :'''Ollie:''' No. Uh, no. Uh, no, although he doesn't, he doesn't suffer fools gladly, I think that's fair to say. Or clever people, to be honest. :'''Simon Weir:''' So he's never, uh, bullied you? :'''Ollie:''' ''(smiling)'' Well, do I-do I look like I could be bullied by Mr. Tucker? I...No. :'''Simon Weir:''' Could you turn to Tab 9? You'll find it in your, in your folder there. Yeah. Um, we have some, uh, some quotes here: Some, uh, evidence of-from several civil servants who all independently suggest that, uh, Mr. Tucker, in fact, regularly ''did'' bully you. 'Mr. Tucker threatened to remove Mr. Reeder's appendix, throw away Mr. Reeder, and appoint the useless flap of colon as special adviser.' :'''Ollie:''' Yeah. Well that's – yes. ''(laughs)'' That's banter. :'''Simon Weir:''' 'Mr. Tucker told Mr. Reeder that he would have him smothered, eviscerated, stuffed, ''(Ollie laughs)'' fitted with wheels, and donated to an orphanage.' :'''Ollie:''' That's, what – 'Cause this is out of context, what you don't have there is my reply. And so, you know, it's just him. :'''Simon Weir:''' And what was that? :'''Ollie:''' Er – Well, I don't remember what it was on this occasion, but it would have been a, you know, it would have been a zinger, because I gave as good as I got, so... :'''Simon Weir:''' Very good. :'''Ollie:''' So it's not bullying. :'''Simon Weir:''' Is there anything about the leaking of the so-called, uh, PFI email that you feel that this inquiry should, should be aware of? :'''Ollie:''' Oh God, um...I mean, I'm...I mean, to be brutally frank, I'm struggling to remember here, but... :'''Simon Weir:''' Well, please take your time. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, of course. :'''Simon Weir:''' There's no hurry. :'''Ollie:''' Of course, yeah. I mean, I think, you know, what you have to remember in this instance is that on the day that all of that stuff took place, um, I was in hospital. So I'm, you know, I was cut off, essentially. I didn't have a phone... :'''Simon Weir:''' I mean, I hadn't mentioned, uh, the use of a phone, I mean... :'''Ollie:''' Yes, no, I know. I'm simply saying I was... :'''Simon Weir:''' You weren't working remotely from the hospital? :'''Ollie:''' ''(stammering)'' No, no, not remotely. Um, uh...In-in-in either sense. No. :'''Simon Weir:''' Did you have any visitors? :'''Ollie:''' Erm... :'''Simon Weir:''' You must be able to remember that. :''(Ollie's still drawing a blank.)'' :'''Lord Goolding:''' Well, if you're not completely sure, Mr. Reeder, we can always check with the visitors' records. :'''Ollie:''' Well, don't -- let's not do that, um, let's not do that for the moment. Let me just...just give-bear with me. Er...but I...did, yes. I think I was visited by, um, by colleagues from the office. :'''Lord Goolding:''' Can you give us a name? :'''Ollie:''' Um...Uh, Malcolm is a name, is, um...is his name. Malcolm's name. Malcolm. Malcolm Tucker visited me. :'''Simon Weir:''' Um, I'm assuming this wasn't a social visit. What did, uh...What did he want? What did Mr. Tucker want? :'''Ollie:''' ''(getting anxious again)'' He wanted to...Wait, okay...I mean, I'm really-I'm -- I'm anxious, I'm keen, I'm trying my best to answer your, uh, questions truthfully, but... :'''Simon Weir:''' I should remind you you are under oath, Mr. -- :'''Ollie:''' Absolutely, yes, I'm under oath, so this is...But, but...uh, what you have to understand is everybody has something on everyone here, right? So in this circumstance, if you inadvertently say or do something, um, uh, you know, that you shouldn't, then that's it. That's it, that's it. It's done. Your career is done. You know, look what happened to, um, a member of this inquiry, right? So you have to... :'''Lord Goolding:''' Mr. Reeder, this is not the place to discuss those allegations. :'''Ollie:''' No, of course, of course. :'''Simon Weir:''' Mr. Reeder, if you feel -- You feel under pressure, am I right? Is that because of something that you know? :'''Ollie:''' ''(still stammering)'' Yes. Well, no. Uh -- General pressure, I feel under a sort of -- Just that, it's the jitters of work. :'''Lord Goolding:''' Who leaked the email, Mr. Reeder? :'''Ollie:''' Glenn Cullen. Er, he was in DoSAC at the time and he, uh, still had access to the email and he hated his life. And he, he, you know, he hated Nicola Murray because she'd previously destroyed his chances of standing as an MP. :'''Lord Goolding:''' Most helpful, Glenn Cullen is our next witness. Most interesting, thank you. :'''Ollie:''' Oh, well, okay. :'''Lord Goolding:''' That's fine, thank you. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Baroness Sureka has successfully returned to the inquiry, and Glenn Cullen is ready to give his testimony.)'' :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Mr. Cullen. I wonder if I could start by taking you back to that time two years ago, you left Nicola Murray and you went to work for Fergus Williams. :'''Glenn:''' Yes, yes I did, that's right. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' And then you found yourself, um, in a coalition with the very party that you opposed. That must have been extremely distressing. :'''Glenn:''' Uh, no, not at all, as a matter of fact. I-I was very invigorated by the idea of, uh, trying to forge a new way in politics. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Mmm-hmm, so all was rosy? :'''Glenn:''' Well, um -- I can't think of any negatives. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' No friction? :'''Glenn:''' No, the only "F" word was "Fun." :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Thank you, Mr. Cullen. Thank you. :'''Simon Weir:''' Uh, Mr. Cullen, would you say there's a culture of leaking in the government? :'''Glenn:''' Yes, I would. Yes, leaking and lying. :'''Simon Weir:''' To your knowledge, have any of your colleagues lied to this inquiry? :'''Glenn:''' Well, I mean, that's a bit like asking, you know, um -- "Does a cow drink milk?" :'''Simon Weir:''' Does it? :'''Glenn:''' Probably. But what I meant to say was, yes, um, my colleagues lie constantly. It's a...professional necessity. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Have you ever leaked, Mr. Cullen? :'''Glenn:''' First of all, may I just say, uh, welcome back, Baroness Sureka. Big hugs. I'm sure I speak for everyone here when I say that we're all thinking of you... :'''Baroness Sureka:''' I'd rather you, um, swapped the ham-fisted flattery for actually answering my question, which was, "Have you ever leaked?" :'''Glenn:''' Right. No, it's a very simple question and it's got a very simple answer. No, I haven't. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Um, you'll be aware of Ollie Reeder's testimony to the inquiry where he said that, uh, you were, in fact, responsible for the PFI leak. :'''Glenn:''' Yes I am. ''(Glenn quickly corrects himself.)'' By which I mean to say I am aware of, of that. But gosh, you've got to be careful what you say here, haven't you? :'''Matthew Hodge:''' You most certainly do, Mr. Cullen. Let's hope we're both up to it. Is there any truth at all to Mr. Reeder's accusations? :'''Glenn:''' Absolutely none whatsoever. He's talking out of hi -- Out of his other cheeks, if you... :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Why would Oliver Reeder suggest that you were behind the PFI email leak, then? :'''Glenn:''' I've absolutely no idea. It's very difficult for me to get into the mindset of somebody so entirely self-serving and, um...spiritually ugly. I mean, anyone who's been unfortunate enough to have come across Ollie Reeder will know that he is a genuinely...atrocious person. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Do you believe Mr. Reeder was trying to cover himself, in that case? :'''Glenn:''' Well, I do believe he has the emotional tools for the task. Yes, certainly. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Do you believe that Ollie Reeder was behind the leak? :'''Glenn:''' ''(after a long pause...)'' No. You see...a-a leak of this magnitude would require one essential item that Ollie lacks. And that's a spine. He is a man without a spine. He is a man-worm. He's a writhing mollusk without any strategies or convictions. He-he simply slimes his way into the nearest crack every night, and I would like to put on record that I apologize to this committee for being the man who brought him into the world of politics. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lord Goolding:''' Thank you for returning to this inquiry, Mr. Tucker. :'''Malcolm:''' That's no problem. I had a hair appointment, but I think they can fit me in next week. :'''Lord Goolding:''' There's no need to be so flippant about this inquiry. :'''Malcolm:''' Well, it's just, you know, you keep asking me the same questions, I can't really help it if you don't like the answers. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Maybe you can try a little harder in answering. I'm amazed you stayed at the top of politics for quite so long with such apparently poor powers of recall. :'''Malcolm:''' Well, maybe it's my age – it's good to see you back, by the way. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Thank you, nice to see you too. :'''Lord Goolding:''' At your last appearance at this inquiry, you admitted that you have leaked, is that correct? :'''Malcolm:''' Well, everyone leaks: many many people who have appeared here in front of you have leaked, but they've just lied about it to you. :'''Simon Weir:''' Mr. Tucker, that's an incredibly serious charge; do you have any evidence to substantiate that allegation? :'''Malcolm:''' Will you forgive me if I don't do your job for you? Because if you can't spot a sprayed-on halo of someone doing a "what, me guv?" panto act, then maybe you shouldn't be sitting behind that desk. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' At your last appearance we asked you very specifically how you came by Mr. Tickel's NHS number and National Insurance number, and you could not recall. Have you had any more time to think about it? :'''Malcolm:''' Yes, I have. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' And could you tell us any more? :'''Malcolm:''' No. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' You've got no recollection at all? :'''Malcolm:''' No. And by the way, you should not be talking to me about this because you've been a victim of leaking, a very unfortunate victim, and I have every sympathy with you, but how can you possibly give me a fair hearing when you've been a victim of the very crime that you are accusing me of? You are prejudiced; this entire inquiry, therefore, is prejudiced. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' I can see what you're doing, it smacks of desperation and it will not work. :'''Malcolm:''' Does it? No, listen, there you go again, see, that's you, you're just rushing to judgement. You are totally discredited here. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' I am obliged to remind you, Mr. Tucker, that you are under oath, and if you lie to this inquiry, it may result in a criminal prosecution. :'''Malcolm:''' Sorry, please don't insult my intelligence by acting as if you're all so naive that you don't know how this all works. Everybody in this room has bent the rules to get in here, because you don't get in this room without bending the rules. You don't get to where ''you'' are without bending the rules, that's the way it is. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Mr. Tucker, I am going to give you one more chance to respond to my question. How did you acquire Mr. Tickel's NHS number and his National Insurance number? :'''Malcolm:''' Who said I acquired it? :'''Baroness Sureka:''' A photograph. :'''Malcolm:''' No no, the photograph shows me holding it. It doesn't show me acquiring it. You'd have to ask the person that gave me the folder. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Who gave you the folder? :'''Malcolm:''' I don't remember. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' You are being deliberately evasive. :'''Malcolm:''' ... I – I don't recall, you know, I don't know, I can't remember. :'''Lord Goolding:''' Very well. Regardless of how you came by Mr. Tickel's mental health records, did you then leak them to the media? :'''Malcolm:''' I can't recall. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' So that's not a denial? :'''Malcolm:''' ''Je ne remember rien.'' :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Well, if you can't recall, it leaves open the possibility that you did leak them. :'''Malcolm:''' Let me tell you this. The whole planet's leaking, everybody is leaking! You know? Everyone's spewing up their guts onto the internet, putting up their relationship status and photos of their [[wikipedia:Vajazzle|vajazzles]]! We've come to a point where there are people, ''millions'' of people, who are quite happy to trade a kidney in order to go on television! And to show people their knickers, to show people their skid marks, and then complain to ''[[wikipedia:OK!|OK!]]'' magazine about a breach of privacy! The exchange of private information – that is what drives our economy. But, you come after me because you can't arrest a landmass, can you? You can't cuff a country. You might as well just go and – you can't lynch that guy there, can you? But you decide that you can sit there, you can judge and you can ogle me like a [[wikipedia:Page_3|Page 3]] girl. You don't like it? Well, you don't like yourself. You don't like your species, and you know what? Neither do I, but how ''dare'' you come and lay this at my door! How ''dare'' you blame ME -- for THIS! Which is the result of a political class, which has given up on morality and simply pursues popularity at all costs. I am you and you are me. :'''Lord Goolding:''' Are you finished? :'''Malcolm:''' Ah, I'm finished anyway. You didn't finish me. :'''Lord Goolding:''' Would you like to stand down? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(getting up and walking out)'' Thanks, m'Lord.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Simon Weir:''' Although you did previously describe yourself as a shepherdess. ''(Robyn laughs)'' Now, did you have something to add to that? :'''Robyn:''' I just – Shepherdess, did she say – ''(to Terri)'' Did you say shepherdess? :'''Terri:''' Yes, I was giving an analogy – I mean, to be fair, erm, perhaps it would have been more accurate for me to describe myself as a sheep in shepherdess's clothing. Do you follow? :'''Simon Weir:''' Er, no, not completely, no. :'''Robyn:''' The shepherdess analogy's floored him.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Your own privacy is important to you. :'''Stewart:''' Yeah, absolutely, I have a meditation room at home. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Well, you know, I think we all have one of those at home. :''(all chuckle)'' :'''Stewart:''' Oh, right, er – do you mean a toilet? Yeah, 'cause I'm talking about a dedicated meditation room. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' I see. :'''Stewart:''' Although it did actually use to be a toilet, it made it easier to plumb in the waterfall.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Matthew Hodge:''' In less figurative terms, what is the nature of your job? :'''Terri:''' Well, I don't like to toot my own trumpet, as they say, but I like to think of myself as God: erm, I fashion DoSAC in mine own image, er, to quote the Bible. ''(looks for the Bible on her desk)'' Erm, that's in the Bible, isn't it? :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Sorry, what exactly do you mean? :'''Lord Goolding:''' I'm not sure I follow you. :'''Terri:''' Oh, well I'm – Sorry. Erm, I'm a translator. Um, I translate, from the outside world, things that come into the department, and vice versa. :'''Lord Goolding:''' So are you saying you change what you hear? You manipulate? :'''Terri:''' No no no, it's a bit, erm – ''[[wikipedia:Songs_of_Praise|Songs of Praise]]''. There's a deaf and dumb lady doing deaf and dumb language. :'''Lord Goolding:''' Sign language? :'''Terri:''' Yes, well it's like that, I take the ugly words, and I translate them, as it were, into a beautiful gesture. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' If I'm to understand you correctly, you stop information going to and from your department, and you change what that information is. :'''Terri:''' No no no, I ''didn't'', I didn't say that – :'''Matthew Hodge:''' No, on the contrary, you ''did'' say that. :'''Terri:''' No, er –<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Lord Goolding:''' You can understand how suspicion might fall upon you, given your antipathy to Mrs. Murray as a leader. :'''Malcolm:''' Nicola's real name is 'If Wet Nicola Murray'; if she worked for the West End, her name would always be preceded by the words, 'Tonight the role of Mary Poppins will be taken by' Nicola Murray. Because she's basically an understudy who got lucky, she got on, she got to play the lead. But she wet herself, she was too frightened, and she went home crying, you know; it happens. ==Series 4, Episode 7== :''(In this scene, the phone in Peter's office keeps running, and he keeps picking up the phone -- only to hang up without really answering. While he's doing this, Phil enters Peter's office.)'' :'''Peter:''' Look, Phil. Every petty criminal in the country is in a holding pattern, because that barrel of cocks at the Home Office can't process their arrests quick enough. ''(Peter disconnects his phone.)'' So why am I the one who has to gimp himself out all day to Martha Kearney and Eddie Mair? :'''Phil:''' Because since the inquiry, DoSAC looks toxic and weak, and they're just trying to pile all the government's ills on top of us. :'''Peter:''' Who's fault's that, Phil? :'''Phil:''' I've said I'm sorry about the inquiry, okay? I started writing you a letter but it just seemed pretentious. Look, if it's any consolation, I haven't felt that humiliated since my trunks fell down at the school [[wikipedia:Swimming_gala|swimming gala]]. :'''Peter:''' It's of absolutely no consolation to think of you naked in front of 500 boys. :'''Emma:''' ''(walking in, on her phone)'' Yeah, absolutely, Trevor. OK, yeah, drinks soon. Yeah, you too. OK, bye. ''(hangs up)'' Oh, God! I just felt my ovaries cringe. I'm trying to flirt our way out of this police backlog.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Phil:''' I thought we weren't talking to [[wikipedia:The_Proclaimers|The Proclaimers]]. :'''Peter:''' We have to play happy families for Mary, pretend I don't actually want to strangle Fergus's bollocks so they look like glacé cherries. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Emma:''' You are telling me that you have been running parts of this country, Terri. What the fuck are you trying to do, [[wikipedia:2012_phenomenon|prove the Mayans right]]? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' Meanwhile, an unarrested feral underclass has gone [[wikipedia:Mad_Max_(franchise)|Mad Max]], and police station waiting rooms are heaving like the hedgehog carvery at a gypsy wedding.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Stewart:''' Ah, Peter. This ''[[Wars of the Roses|War of the Roses]]'' with the Home Office? It ends now. We want a united realm. There's no vision in division. :'''Peter:''' Well, yes there is; ''(looks to Fergus's office)'' anyway, tell [[wikipedia:Perkin_Warbeck|Perkin Warbeck]] over there. :'''Stewart:''' OK people, could we briefly form a coherent group? :'''Terri:''' Mary Drake is in the building, she's on her way up. :'''Stewart:''' OK...Shields up, guys; Centurions, we're forming a [[wikipedia:Testudo_formation|tortoise]]. :''(Adam approaches Terri, and he's holding a ThinkSocially pamphlet in his hand.)'' :'''Adam:''' ''(to Terri)'' Okay. Terri, ThinkSocially. Did I sign off on this? Because I hadn't heard of ThinkSocially until I said it just then. :'''Terri:''' Okay, uh... :'''Adam:''' So what is it? :'''Terri:''' Simple explanation. :'''Adam:''' Love to hear it. :''(But as Terri gets ready to explain, Mary Drake from the Home Office has arrived at DoSAC...and she's not happy.)'' :'''Peter:''' ''(moaning)'' Oh, God. Here-Here's Mary. Bunch up, everyone, so she doesn't see the corpses. :''(Peter then hides in his office.)'' :'''Emma:''' Look, synchronize lies, all right? ''(Emma approaches Mary and shakes her hand.)'' Mary, hi. Hi, Emma, we met at the away day. I so enjoyed our, our mood play. :'''Mary:''' Yes, you actually did, didn't you? ''(to Terri)'' Oh, you must be the legendary Terri. ''(Mary shakes Terri's hand)'' I've heard a great deal about you. :'''Terri:''' Oh, oh, please, don't, uh, don't believe everything that you hear. :'''Mary:''' ''(sharply)'' I fully intend not to. ''(to Stewart)'' Stewart. Chakras balanced? :'''Fergus:''' Uh, sorry. Tiny bit of, uh, housekeeping. ''(to Terri)'' Terri, um, uh, ThinkSocially? Uh, just checking in on that. :'''Terri:''' Yes. Yes, it's a go thing. Double-stamped, yes. :''(Peter emerges from his office and greets Mary with an uneasy smile.)'' :'''Peter:''' Mary! Great to see you again. :'''Mary:''' ''(flatly)'' I'm here in an angry capacity. :'''Peter:''' Ah! The cream in our coffee, Mary. :'''Mary:''' ''(to all)'' The message from the Home Office is this: Move away from the backlog. There's nothing to see. Let the police do their jobs, let us do ours. :'''Fergus:''' Sorry to be, uh, ''contrary,'' Mary, but Peter and I have just been discussing this very issue. :'''Mary:''' Shut up! Let me tell you something now: DoSAC is one rat's whisker away from being shut down and subsumed by the Home Office, and put in charge of cocking up the tea run! And I like mine weak, and white. Like my men. ''(leaves)'' :'''Peter:''' Stewart, any thoughts from within your fucking dream yurt? :'''Stewart:''' I will go and try and de-frag this situation, but I am staying strictly macro. ''(leaves)'' :'''Adam:''' Subtitles, you need subtitles! :'''Fergus:''' ''(to Terri)'' Sorry, erm, ThinkSocially. Terri, would you mind explaining ''rationally'' why I appear to be giving a ringing endorsement to a piece of shit that I've never even heard of? :'''Terri:''' It's not my fault, it's the-it's the double-stamping nonsense, that's the reason. :'''Adam:''' Oh, really? Because right now, I want to double-stamp on your fucking throat. :'''Terri:''' I'm gonna take that seriously as a physical threat! :'''Adam:''' You know, one of the many many things that baffles me about you is you remain unmurdered! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Ollie is entering Malcolm's office.)'' :'''Ollie:''' M. Tucker. :'''Malcolm:''' Ollie. Um...We need to have a little chat. :'''Ollie:''' You're not splitting up with me, are you? Because I'm pregnant and it's quads, so, you know...You're not laughing. :'''Malcolm:''' Well, I'm laughing on the inside. Which is a tad ironic, because I'm leaving here in five minutes to get arrested. :'''Ollie:''' Hang on. Sorry...Uh, you're gonna be arrested at the exact same time that Dan Miller's doing his Lewisham walkabout? :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. But I'm going to Brentford where nobody will be watching me, because they'll all be with him. :'''Ollie:''' So, the Leader of the Opposition is going to be filmed at a police station at the exact moment that his Head of Communications is being arrested. Yes, okay, great, great, so that's a sack full of face-chewing rats, thank you very much. :'''Malcolm:''' Look, it's – This is what you have to deal with, right? It's just another day at the fuck office. :'''Ollie:''' So now I have to step into your shoes, but ''after'' you've shat in them. :'''Malcolm:''' Ollie, look at me! I'm not pulling anything out of a magic hat. The rabbits are falling to pieces, their fucking heads are coming off and frightening the kids. So somebody else is going to have to help out. :'''Ollie:''' Well, who says I even want to be you, Malcolm? Who says that? :'''Malcolm:''' Nobody says that. Except every screaming atom of that etiolated stick of fuck you call a body says that. Every fibre of your being, every stamen...says that. But you are not me, Ollie. :'''Ollie:''' No. :'''Malcolm:''' And you never will be me. I knew Malcolm F. Tucker, sir...and you are no Malcolm Fucking Tucker. You're not even fucking Manchester's top Malcolm Tucker tribute band. And trying to be me? ''You?!'' Trying to be me will fucking kill you. I give you 18 months before you're a washed out, weeping, alcoholic. With no fucking bladder control. Sleeping on your brother-in-law's sofa. :'''Ollie:''' And so on, and so on. It doesn't have to be like that, now, Malcolm. Politics has actually changed, right? :'''Malcolm:''' Oh? :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, yeah! Yeah, and you probably haven't noticed because you've been on transmit for the last fucking eight years: "Wah wah wah wah wah!" And whilst you've been doing that, everybody else has been changing, and it's all a bit softcore now, it's all about algorithms now. You don't have to be Malcolm Tucker to sit in that chair. :'''Malcolm:''' Oh, how quickly they grow up. You fucking think you know me? :'''Ollie:''' Well, yeah. Yeah, I know you. :'''Malcolm:''' You know [[wikipedia:Jackie Chan|Jackie fucking Chan]] about me. YOU KNOW FUCK ALL ABOUT ME! ''I'' am totally beyond the realms of your fucking tousle-haired, fucking dimwitted compre-fucking-hension! I don’t just take this fucking job home, you know. I take this job home, it fucking ties me to the bed, and it fucking fucks me from arsehole to breakfast. Then it wakes me up in the morning with a cup full of ''piss'' slung in my face, slaps me about the chops, to make sure I’m awake enough so it can kick me in the fucking bollocks! This job has taken me in every hole in my fucking body! MALCOLM IS GONE, you can't know Malcolm, 'cause Malcolm is not here! Malcolm fucking left the building fucking years ago! This is a fucking husk! I am a fucking host for this fucking job! Do you want this job? :'''Ollie:''' ... Yes. :'''Malcolm:''' Yes! You ''do'' fucking want this job! Then you're gonna have to fucking swallow this whole fucking life and let it grow inside you like a parasite, getting bigger and bigger and bigger until it fucking eats your insides alive and it stares out of your eyes and tells you what to do! :'''Ollie:''' Malcolm, this sounds like the fucking video you leave on YouTube after you've blown your brains out! :'''Malcolm:''' I'm as dead as fucking [[wikipedia:Two-tone_(music_genre)|two-tone]]. But I can fashion my own exit. :'''Ollie:''' Oh, Christ. What, are you gonna [[wikipedia:Suicide_tourism#Switzerland|fly to Switzerland]] and have a wank off a nurse and a bye-bye pill, are you? :'''Malcolm:''' Funny, funny man. Political exit. :'''Ollie:''' No, I know. :'''Malcolm:''' I'm gonna leave the stage with my head held fucking high, right? What you're going to see is a masterclass in fucking dignity, son. The audience will be on their feet. "There he goes," they'll say. "No friends - no real friends - no children, no glory, no memoirs." ... Well, fuck them. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Nicola has discovered that Declan, the journalist due to interview her, is the man behind 'Mr Chop'!)'' :'''Nicola:''' I am, uh...ever so close to being on the verge of bawling my fucking eyes out' disappointed about this. I mean, this was it, was it? What was the alternative, going on Strictly Come Dancing and doing a fucking hooky waltz with [[wikipedia:Abu_Hamza_al-Masri|Abu Hamza]]? This is pretty low. This is lower than my mother's pelvic floor, Helen. :'''Helen:''' I had to virtually go on the game to get you this. So, frankly, I don't care whether he wants to roll around in applesauce with you. Get in there and do as you're told. :'''Nicola:''' ''(taking a breath)'' Right. I will go, because I'm choosing to go in. But I just need you to know for the record... :'''Helen:''' Just get in there before I push you in. <hr width="50%"/> :''(At [[wikipedia:Lewisham|Lewisham]] Police Station, where private contractors have reduced the arrest backlog.)'' :'''Dan:''' Ollie, what the fuck are we doing here? Everything's fine. I'm like lube at a funeral. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah. I can't believe it but DoSAC have actually turned this around, they've [[wikipedia:Apollo_13|Apollo 13]]'d it. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm and his lawyer are trying to get out of [[wikipedia:Brentford|Brentford]] Police Station. They come across a policeman escorting a prisoner.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' 'Scuse me, is there another way out of here? :'''Prisoner:''' You could hang yourself. :'''Malcolm:''' Fuck off! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm and his lawyer are running away from reporters to their taxi, but it drives off)'' :'''Malcolm:''' HEY! GET THE FUCK BACK HERE! ''(the taxi stops and they get in)'' Jesus Christ! Go! Go go go! ''(the taxi drives off)'' You fucking drive off like that again, and I'll stick your meter so far down your throat you'll be able to tell the price of your next ''shit''. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Glenn:''' Come out, everyone! Tally-ho, yoo-hoo! Come on, bring out your fucking dead! Right, everybody listen, I've got an announcement to make, erm... :'''Phil:''' What is it, you got an erection? :'''Glenn:''' No. I would like to tell you all that I'm resigning! :'''Phil:''' Is that it? :'''Glenn:''' No, you closeted [[wikipedia:Regency_era|Regency]] homosexual, that is not it. Morally, this department is in the gutter! :'''Fergus:''' Thanks for the speech, Glenn, but we have work – :'''Glenn:''' ''(grabs a desktop lamp)'' YOU STAY AND TAKE YOUR PUNISHMENT! I will lamp you, with a lamp! :'''Terri:''' Glenn, you've gone a tiny bit psychotic, my love. :'''Glenn:''' ''(puts down the lamp)'' You, Fergus, when you asked me to join you, all you had was your principles, but over the last two years, you've bent like a human fucking palm tree, swaying to the guff of these six-toed born-to-rule pony-fuckers. :'''Adam:''' If you're gonna go, just go. Spare us this [[Network (film)|Peter Finch bullshit]]. :'''Glenn:''' Oh! Adam, you're waiting for your turn! Oh no! I remember, it's your turn right now! :'''Adam:''' Brilliant. Bring it. :'''Glenn:''' You are simply the most loathsome human being I have ever met. :'''Adam:''' Yep. :'''Glenn:''' You were so well-suited at the ''Mail'', it's a shame you came over here! :'''Emma:''' Hear, hear! ''(she and Phil clap)'' :'''Glenn:''' Do you know what? I hate you both: [[wikipedia:Tweedledum_and_Tweedledee|Tweedle-twat and Tweedle-prick]]! You contribute absolutely ''nothing'' to the world, so thank fucking God you have ''no power!'' :'''Fergus:''' Er, we do actually, it's – :'''Glenn:''' No, you don't. And Peter: it's been dreadful. I hope your cock falls off. Phil, do you know what you are? You're like an eight-year-old trapped in a twelve-year-old's body. :'''Phil:''' ''(gleefully)'' This is great! Why isn't anyone filming this? :'''Glenn:''' And Emma. :'''Phil:''' Yeah, yeah, do Emma, do Emma! :'''Glenn:''' Yeah, Emma, I'm sorry, you're just a standard-issue insipid posh bitch. That's it! Terri? ''(takes a pair of scissors)'' :'''Phil:''' Oh, whoa, whoa. :'''Glenn:''' I don't think I've ever met anyone quite so proud, and yet quite so useless. But I do have to thank you, ''(takes his pass and cuts it up)'' because I have managed to stay in shape, purely though the energy I spend in pitying you every day! :'''Terri:''' Glenn, you're just embarrassing yourself. :'''Glenn:''' Fuck you all up the wrong 'un! Ta ta! Bye bye! ''(leaves)'' :'''Phil:''' That was better than IMAX ''[[Inception (film)|Inception]]''. :'''Emma:''' Poor, poor Glenn! :'''Peter:''' Should we try and get him back? :'''Emma:''' Fuck, no. He's gone completely mental! :'''Adam:''' He's gone Glenn-tal. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm's last line)'' :'''Malcolm:''' I want to say something. I want to say something! ''(long silence)'' It doesn't matter. <hr width="50%"/> :''(As the Team DoSAC Coalition is celebrating Malcolm's arrest -- with some booze, no less -- Mary Drake returns with some big news.)'' :'''Mary:''' ''(to Peter)'' Drinking on the job, Peter? Why not? You've already got the efficiency of a man who's half cut. :'''Peter:''' Oh, then I must have dreamt that, uh, my idea had ''successfully reduced the arrest backlog?'' :'''Mary:''' DoSAC did do rather well today, uh, actually. :'''Terri:''' Thank you. :'''Mary:''' But there's a conspicuous blockage that will lead to a personnel change. :''(Mary then turns to Stewart, who's sitting on the floor.)'' :'''Mary:''' ''(to Stewart)'' Stewart. You're out. You're gonna be pickled in a think tank. :'''Terri:''' What? :'''Stewart:''' ''(scoffing)'' Of course I am, Mary. And whose authority is this coming from, hmm? :'''Mary:''' The PM, whilst acknowledging the need for thoughts, is keener on actions these days. I'm gonna be providing those. Stewart, there's no need for you to clear your desk, because you're a walking thought pod, aren't you? :'''Stewart:''' ''(calm, but clearly unhappy)'' Absolutely. Thank you very much...Thanks, um... :''(But then, Stewart launches one last razor sharp parting shot.)'' :'''Stewart:''' You know, I've spent ''ten'' years detoxifying this party, hmmm? It's been a bit like renovating an old, old house, yeah? You can take out a sexist beam here, a callous window there, replace the odd homophobic roof tile. ''(Stewart finally gets up.)'' But after a while you realise that this renovation is doomed. Because the foundations are built on what I can only describe as a solid bed of ''cunts.'' <hr width="50%"/> :''(This is the show's closing line.)'' :'''Peter:''' What a shit day! == Cast == '''The Government''' * [[w:Peter Capaldi|Peter Capaldi]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Malcolm Tucker]] * [[w:Paul Higgins (actor)|Paul Higgins]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Jamie McDonald]] * [[w:Alex MacQueen|Alex MacQueen]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Julius Nicholson]] * [[w:Rebecca Front|Rebecca Front]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Nicola Murray]] * [[w:|Eve Matheson]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Clare Ballentine]] * [[w:Justin Edwards|Justin Edwards]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Ben Swain]] * [[w:Rory Kinnear|Rory Kinnear]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Ed]] * [[w:Tony Gardner|Tony Gardner]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Dan Miller]] * [[w:James Smith|James Smith]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Glenn Cullen]] * [[w:Chris Addison|Chris Addison]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Oliver "Ollie" Reeder]] * [[w:Rob Edwards|Rob Edwards]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Geoff Holhurst]] '''Her Majesty's Civil Service''' * [[w:Joanna Scanlan|Joanna Scanlan]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Terri Coverley]] * [[w:Polly Kemp|Polly Kemp]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Robyn Murdoch]] '''The Opposition''' * [[w:Vincent Franklin|Vincent Franklin]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Stewart Pearson]] * [[w:Roger Allam|Roger Allam]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Peter Mannion]] * [[w:Olivia Poulet|Olivia Poulet]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Emma Messinger]] * [[w:Will Smith (comedian)|Will Smith]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Phil Smith]] '''The Media''' * [[w:Ben Willbond|Ben Willbond]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Adam Kenyon]] * [[w:Lucinda Raikes|Lucinda Raikes]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Angela Heaney]] '''Former Characters''' * [[w:Chris Langham|Chris Langham]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Hugh Abbot]] * [[w:Tim Bentinck|Tim Bentinck]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Cliff Lawton]] * [[w:Martin Savage|Martin Savage]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Nick Hanway]] * [[w:Rebecca Gethings|Rebecca Gethings]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Helen Hatley]] * [[w:Geoffrey Streatfeild|Geoffrey Streatfeild]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Fergus Williams]] == External links == {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title|id=0459159|title=The Thick Of It}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Thick of It, The}} [[Category:BBC shows]] [[Category:Cancelled shows]] [[Category:Political satirical TV shows]] [[Category:UK sitcoms]] [[Category:UK workplace comedy TV shows]] fe5xgzn74bik6u82g65uwqzhsr0492t 3153127 3153125 2022-08-10T03:11:21Z Mr. Brain 3009526 /* Series 3, Episode 3 */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:The Thick of It|The Thick of It]]''''' is a British sitcom, satirising the inner workings of modern government, that finished its fourth (and final) series in October 2012. It stars [[wikipedia:Peter Capaldi|Peter Capaldi]] as spin doctor [[wikipedia:Malcolm Tucker|Malcolm Tucker]]. See also ''[[In The Loop]]'', a spin-off feature film. ==Series 1, Episode 1== :''(Malcolm Tucker's first line.)'' :'''Malcolm Tucker:''' ''(on his phone, in Cliff Lawton's office)'' No, he's useless. He's absolutely useless. He is, he's useless, he's as useless as a marzipan dildo. All right. Got to go. Minister's just walked in. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm Tucker has just told Cliff Lawton, the head of the Department of Social Affairs, that he has to resign as Minister.)'' :'''Cliff Lawton:''' Malcolm, look, um – if you do this, it's the bollocks of the jungle out there, you know? They're like wolves. Pissed wolves. :'''Malcolm Tucker:''' I've made the announcement: I've told [[wikipedia:The_Lobby|the Lobby]] you're going, Cliff. :'''Cliff:''' You've told the Lobby I'm going? :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. Sorry, Cliff. :'''Cliff:''' Minister. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, get used to Cliff. I've booked you in for the usual soapy tit-wank farewell at Number 10, in 20 minutes. Also drafted you a letter of resignation: gives you the chance to say that you're jumping before you're pushed, although obviously we're gonna be briefing that you ''were'' pushed, sorry. :'''Cliff:''' Um...Look, tell you what. You don't need to do all of this. What about Tom? Everybody knows he's fucking up Transport. :'''Malcolm:''' We can't sack Tom at Transport. We can't lose anyone at Transport, they're important. :'''Cliff:''' What? And Social Affairs isn't? :'''Malcolm:''' OK, the Department of Social for Commercial Affairs is very important, but it's not Transport. Transport's cars, buses, trucks. :'''Cliff:''' I KNOW WHAT TRANSPORT FUCKING ENTAILS! :''(Malcolm gives Cliff his infamous "bollocking stare.")'' :'''Cliff:''' Look, look...Look. I'll look at it. :''(Cliff looks at the resignation note.)'' :'''Cliff:''' Personal reasons. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. I thought that would give you adequate scope. :'''Cliff:''' Scope. What, like, um...shooting up in the Cabinet Office or something? Stuffing a cat up my arse and having a wank? What do you mean, scope? :'''Malcolm:''' You know, this could be a great deal worse. You have had a good innings. You have been here for 18 months. And you know, I have written some very nice things about you in the PM's reply to your resignation. Some very nice fucking things indeed. I had a lump in my throat. And you know why? Because no one who matters thinks any less of you over this -- ''so far.'' OK? ''(beat)'' Right. One more thing: ''[[wikipedia:The Daily Mail|The Daily Mail]]''. David Topham has got it into his head that we are gonna sack you because of press pressure. :'''Cliff:''' I wonder why. :'''Malcolm:''' Look. You're in no position to dish out fucking sarcasm. That's over. You no longer have purchase in the sarcasm world. Get on the phone. Tell him you're jumping before you're pushed -- although we were gonna push you, but not because of press pressure, but because of your deeply held fucking personal issues, whatever they were. :'''Cliff:''' You want me to write my own obituary. :'''Malcolm:''' Get on the fucking phone. Do it now. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Hugh Abbot, the new head of the Department of Social Affairs, is calling a big meeting to announce his first major policy. Joining Hugh in his office are his staff members: Glenn Cullen, Hugh's senior advisor and best friend; Oliver "Ollie" Reeder, Hugh's junior advisor; and Terri Coverley, the department's Chief Press Secretary.)'' :'''Hugh Abbot:''' Shush! I've got something very important to say. I've got -- Ollie, I've got something for us. I've got us a very, very tasty little morsel. Because this morning I had a chat with my very good friend, the Prime Minister of Great Britain. ''(Glenn, Ollie, and Terri are very interested.)'' Yes. And, um, remember the, um, um -- Ollie, your Benefit Unit Fraud... :'''Ollie Reeder:''' Anti-Benefit Fraud Executive. ABFE. :'''Hugh:''' ABFE. Um, Scrounger Squad. :'''Ollie:''' Snooper Squad. :'''Hugh:''' ''(correcting himself)'' Snooper Squad. :'''Terri Coverley:''' The one with the spending implications? :'''Hugh:''' Yes, and the Prime Minister's view, it turns out, is very much, "Fuck the spending implications, I like it." :'''Glenn Cullen:''' Good. :'''Hugh:''' So this is us. We're on the map. It's a chance for me, Glenn, to get on Richard & Judy and plant that flag right on their fucking sofa. :'''Terri:''' So the, um, the Prime Minister's authorized you -- he ''has'' authorized you to announce it, has he? :'''Hugh:''' That's very much what he signaled, yes, very clearly. He said that he's very much right behind us on this and it's very much what we should be doing. :'''Ollie:''' This is great. So we can do it this afternoon at the school, can't we? We can, uh, we can clear the press conference that we've got... :'''Terri:''' ''(getting up to leave)'' Excuse me. :'''Glenn:''' Yeah. We'll "double-bubble" it, yeah? We'll leak it to the Standard for the early editions and then trail it on the World at One. Yes? Right. I'll tell you, we, we need someone at the Standard we can give this to. What about Angela Heaney? She's at the Standard now, isn't she? Hugh? :'''Hugh:''' Yeah. :'''Glenn:''' Ollie? :'''Ollie:''' Um...yes, she is. Do you not think that maybe she's a bit junior, I think. :'''Glenn:''' Bit too much like your ex who broke your heart and then dumped you with a text message? :'''Ollie:''' It was a fucking e-mail. It wasn't a text message. :'''Glenn:''' We give it to her, she'll write what we want. :'''Hugh:''' She's easy. :'''Glenn:''' She is easy. :''(Terri returns to the office, trying to tell the guys to control their excitement over the Snooper Squad policy.)'' :'''Terri:''' Uh, one moment. I can see that you've all got very big, stiff hard-ons for this one -- :'''Hugh:''' Sorry? :'''Terri:''' That's -- that is nice. I'm not saying that's not nice. But... :'''Hugh:''' ''(surprised)'' Terri! :'''Terri:''' But there is absolutely no way we're gonna clear it by this afternoon. So... :'''Ollie:''' Why not? :'''Terri:''' Do cool it, just for a minute, and I'll ring Paul at the Treasury. :'''Hugh, Glenn, and Ollie:''' NO NO NO NO NO NO NO! :'''Hugh:''' No phone calls to the Treasury, thank you. :'''Ollie:''' If you call the Treasury to get anywhere near the announcement, he's gonna have to dress up as catering with a big tray of drinks and a pot of sliced lemons. :'''Hugh:''' I'm not doing that. :'''Terri:''' I'm just going by procedure. :'''Hugh:''' Terri, I love doing things the right way, that ethical stuff. I, I-I love it, I mean, we all, we all do. But -- but, you know, it's very difficult when you're the first person to put your gun down, because people tend to jump on your head as if it was a ripe watermelon. We don't want that, do we? :'''Ollie:''' The Prime Minister said he wants to do it. The Prime Minister is above the Treasury in the hierarchy. I can write it down on a chart if it actually helps. :'''Terri:''' Whatever. :'''Glenn:''' Thank you. :'''Terri:''' Very good, Minister. I'll get to it. :'''Hugh:''' ''(to Terri)'' You're just doing your job. ''(After Terri leaves, Hugh whispers to Glenn & Ollie)'' Not very well. :'''Glenn:''' ''(on his cell phone)'' Will you get Angela on the phone for Ollie? ''(to Ollie)'' You can deal with this, Ollie, yes? Thank you. :'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' The driver. :'''Ollie:''' ''(answering Glenn's question, despondently)'' Technically. :'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Will it be my usual driver? :'''Glenn:''' Yes, Hugh. :'''Hugh:''' I don't fucking like him. :'''Glenn:''' Why not? :'''Hugh:''' He's...I don't know. I think he despises me. :'''Glenn:''' We'll have to use him today, because you know how the pool system works. So we go down to the school...um...have to. :'''Hugh:''' He's sort of contemptuous. :'''Glenn:''' The driver? :'''Hugh:''' I feel like he looks down on me. :'''Glenn:''' No, Hugh, he likes you, I'm sure. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Hugh and Glenn are in the car listening to ''[[wikipedia:The World at One|The World at One]]''. They're celebrating Hugh's "Snooper Force" policy being given the green light.)'' :'''[[wikipedia:Nick Clarke|Nick Clarke]]:''' (on the radio) ''The World at One. This is Nick Clarke with 30 minutes of news...'' :'''Hugh:''' Well, you can fuck off for a start. :'''Nick Clarke:''' ''The Social Affairs Secretary Hugh Abbot...'' :'''Hugh:''' ''(quite proudly)'' Evening. :'''Glenn:''' First story up. :'''Hugh:''' Top of the bill. :'''Nick Clarke:''' ''...a uniformed, so-called Snooper Force. The announcement suggests the DSA has pushed the Treasury into releasing more funds, so we'll ask, is the Treasury losing its... :'''Hugh:''' Yes it is, and not before time! :'''Nick Clarke:''' ''...Social Affairs spokesman Mark Davis Nathenson... :'''Hugh:''' If you can get him out of the bath! :'''Nick Clarke:''' ''But first, the estimates of fatalities from yesterday's train disaster in Bangalore have risen precipitously overnight... :'''Hugh:''' Well, that's marvelous. :''(But then, Hugh's cell phone rings...)'' :'''Hugh:''' Oh, Tucker. ''(Happily answering the call)'' Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' What the fuck was that? Was this whole Snooper Force thing from you? :'''Hugh:''' Malcolm, I talked to the PM and this is completely kosher as far as he's concerned. You know, he gave the go-ahead and he said, you know, bounce the Treasury. :'''Malcolm:''' Don't you realise? We have got 17 different issues we are fighting with the Treasury about. :'''Hugh:''' I can hear that you are, as usual, upset. :'''Malcolm:''' I'll tell you why I'm upset. I'm upset because these fucking morons over at [[wikipedia:HM_Treasury|the Treasury]], these people, they are so paranoid. If you don't tell them about stuff like this, if you don't even cc them an email, they think you've started a palace coup! :'''Hugh:''' Mal– Malcolm – :'''Malcolm:''' You don't seem to understand that I'm gonna have to mop up a fucking hurricane of piss here from all of these neurotics! What did the Prime Minister ''actually'' say to you? :'''Hugh:''' He actually said, 'This is exactly the kind of thing we should be doing.' :'''Malcolm:''' ''What did he actually say?'' :'''Hugh:''' He said, 'This is exactly the sort of thing we should be doing.' :'''Malcolm:''' 'Should' be doing. 'Should' does not mean 'yes'. Now, there's only one thing to do here, and it's what I'm going to tell you to do. Kill it. :'''Hugh:''' I can't -- I can't kill it! I'm on my way to make the announcement! There's gonna be television cameras there and everything! :'''Malcolm:''' Well, fuck the television cameras! Think of something else to say! But just don't mention the bloody [[wikipedia:The_New_Avengers|New Avengers]] or the Snooper Force, or whatever the fuck you call it. :'''Hugh:''' Scam Busters? :'''Malcolm:''' Get rid of it. I don't wanna hear about it again. Bye. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Glenn is on the phone with Terri, telling her about a change in the Snooper Force story.)'' :'''Glenn:''' So the line is -- and call every news desk -- that the Snooper Force story is that it was led out by, quote, "a disgruntled civil servant," unquote. OK? :'''Terri:''' ''(privately annoyed)'' OK, great. :'''Glenn:''' And Terri? :'''Terri:''' Hmmm? :'''Glenn:''' You can drop that tone, all right? :'''Terri:''' What tone? :'''Glenn:''' The "I knew better all along" tone, yeah? It isn't fucking appreciated right now. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Ollie is in the car with Glenn & Hugh, and the three of them are discussing policy ideas while traveling.)'' :'''Hugh:''' All right. So...what the hell am I gonna say is the reason for me summoning all the nation's major news organisations to a school in Wiltshire? :'''Ollie:''' So you want something sexy and eye-catching, and that is free and universally popular and instantly applicable, no one can possibly object to it. :'''Glenn:''' Yep. :'''Ollie:''' Right. :'''Hugh:''' Yes. :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Well, really, you should've said something before, Glenn, because I've got a file about that fucking thick of that back in the office. Absolutely huge. Those sorts of policies are ten a penny. :'''Glenn:''' ''(getting mad)'' Ollie! :'''Ollie:''' Our entire manifesto is more or less made up of... :'''Glenn:''' ''(settling down)'' You know, it really doesn't help when you get cynical. You should think of this as an opportunity. :'''Ollie:''' It's not that easy to come up with ''[[wikipedia:Das Kapital|Das Kapital]]'' in the back of a cab, Glenn. :'''Hugh:''' ''(intervening)'' Ollie. :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh, handing him an electric razor)'' Here, shave. :''(As Hugh shaves his face, everybody settles down and gets back to the task at hand.)'' :'''Glenn:''' What we need is something that the public want, is incredibly popular and is free. :'''Ollie:''' Return of capital punishment. :'''Hugh:''' ''(unimpressed)'' That's a joke, right? You are joking, yes, obviously? Come on, Ollie, come up with something. :'''Ollie:''' National spare room database. :''(Nobody has any ideas yet -- UNTIL...)'' :'''Hugh:''' What about zoos? My kids went to a zoo, you know, the other day and they said-they said it was fucking disgusting. You know, the state of it. ''(beat)'' That's shit, isn't it? :'''Glenn:''' ''(nodding)'' No...but there is an idea there, because in the middle of the city, you've got wild animals. :'''Ollie:''' Pet ASBOs? Do you remember that? ASBOs for pets? :'''Hugh:''' Well, you see, that sounds potentially ludicrous. But then pet passports, I mean, that was a...that was a goer. :'''Glenn:''' What if everybody had to carry a plastic bag? By law? You know, the identification cards are coming in... :'''Hugh:''' ''(appalled)'' You've fucking cracked! Are you mad? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ollie:''' What if the announcement is...there's no big announcement. :'''Hugh:''' Oh, for goodness... :'''Ollie:''' No, no, wait. Right? We say, "The Department of Social Affairs has been doing amazing work, bread-and-butter work, belt-and-braces work, the kind of work that you people aren't interested in 'cos it's not shiny, shiny, media-friendly stuff. You are so obsessed with how things play in the media, you sickos, that every time we try and do, you know, just carry on with our day, you don't show up. So we have to call a big, you know, thing like this." :'''Hugh:''' On target, under budget. :'''Ollie:''' Coalface politics. :'''Hugh:''' Absolutely. Yes, I like that. :'''Glenn:''' Not wasting resources. :'''Hugh:''' Good. Let's do that. :'''Glenn:''' Let's go for that. :'''Hugh:''' We ''trick'' them. We ''trick'' them. Tinselly thing and they come along and then we say, "Ah-ha, that's what we've been doing, we've been doing our fucking jobs!" ''(beat)'' Yes, they never print that stuff, do they? :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, yeah, and you've come all this way, we've got you two hours out of London to come and cover this. :'''Hugh:''' You mugs! You mugs! :'''Ollie:''' But you know what? You've got a bigger story here than you have chasing your tinsel. :'''Hugh:''' Yeah, which is you live in a country which is properly -- There's not many countries can say that. :'''Glenn:''' And we've probably got 10,000,000 we can throw at it. :'''Hugh:''' Yes. That's good, that, because it sounds like a lot, doesn't it? <hr width="50%"/> :''(Hugh, Glenn and Ollie are at the school, preparing for Hugh's big speech.)'' :'''Ollie:''' I've got a thing here that says "springy concrete." I don't know, I think that's about the playground thing, but I don't... :'''Glenn:''' Springy concrete? :'''Hugh:''' ''(practicing his speech)'' Good afternoon...Should I say "Hello, boys and girls?" :'''Glenn:''' Yes, very nice. :'''Hugh:''' Like a fucking panto dame. :'''Ollie:''' He's gonna look ridiculous on the six o'clock news saying, "Hello, boys and girls." :'''Glenn:''' He's talking to the audience in front of him. :'''Hugh:''' ''(practicing)'' Real money for real families. ''(asking Glenn and Ollie)'' Real families or real people? :'''Glenn:''' Families. :'''Ollie:''' People. Real people. :'''Glenn:''' You see? Don't -- Families. :'''Ollie:''' Families sounds exclusive. It sounds kinda back to basics, it sounds [[wikipedia:John Major|John Major]]. :'''Glenn:''' People sounds Communist. :'''Ollie:''' It doesn't sound Communist. :'''Hugh:''' I'll say families. :'''Glenn:''' Thank you, Hugh. :'''Ollie:''' Say families of people. :''(A schools-woman approaches the room.)'' :'''Schools-woman:''' Mr. Abbot. :'''Glenn:''' Great. You're on. Here we go. :'''Hugh:''' Thank you. :'''Glenn:''' It's what you do best, mate. :'''Hugh:''' Yep. ''(to the schools-woman)'' This is lovely. Very nice indeed. <hr width="50%"/> :''(But a short time later...Hugh's speech bombed.)'' :'''Hugh:''' Well, that was a fucking disaster. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Surprisingly, Hugh's press conference was so boring that it was a success! Hugh and Glenn are celebrating at the office.)'' :'''Glenn:''' Well, you really pulled it round, mate. :'''Hugh:''' I took the flak, you supplied the flak jacket. :'''Glenn:''' Yeah, and the bullets bounced off. :'''Hugh:''' This is what it's all about, Glenn. :'''Glenn:''' Yeah. :'''Hugh:''' This is what it's -- All those years at the coalface, hanging in there, taking all the shit, all the bullshit. :'''Glenn:''' When you are Senior Cabinet Minister, then we'll show them. :'''Hugh:''' Yeah, and Snooper Force? Bollocks, we'll get rid of that. :'''Glenn:''' Aw, for fuck's sake, yeah. Fiddling while Rome burns. :'''Hugh:''' Fucking right. We'll kick some arse. We'll kick some butt! Kick some butt! :'''Glenn:''' That's what we're in it for, mate! Tell them all the shit that we do. :''(Glenn sees Malcolm standing behind Hugh, but Hugh is blissfully unaware.)'' :'''Hugh:''' It's a means to an end, mate. :''(Hugh then sees Malcolm right behind him.)'' :'''Hugh:''' Fuck me, Malcolm. How do you do that? :'''Malcolm:''' Can I have a word with you? :''(Glenn, who had earlier slammed doors in Ollie's and Terri's faces, finds a door being slammed in his face.)'' <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm wants to discuss Hugh's speech at the school.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(sighing heavily)'' I'm hacked off, mate. :'''Hugh:''' ''(stuttering)'' But we-we-we killed-we killed it. It's-it's-it's-it's killed. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, but once you start the fire...And we didn't start the fire. It was always burning since the world's been turning, et cetera, et cetera. :'''Hugh:''' S-Sorry, Malcolm, you're not making any sense. :'''Malcolm:''' Prime Minister, obviously, he's, uh, on the plane in Stockholm, and somebody hits him with ''The World At One.'' He thinks it's the Treasury trying to stiff him one, so he, um... ''(Malcolm takes a long pause)'' He stuck with the story. :'''Hugh:''' He liked it? :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, he's backing the Snooper Force. :'''Hugh:''' ''(smiling)'' Oh, right. ''(beat)'' We shouldn't really then have, I mean, ''you'' shouldn't really have, uh, told us to, uh...Should you? ''(chuckles)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(unamused)'' Don't should me, Hugh. 'Cos I'll should you right back. I'll should you right through that window. None of this ''should'' be happening, SHOULD it? ''SHOULD IT?'' ''SHOULD IT?'' :'''Hugh:''' Is that should in the...sense of yes, or...? :'''Malcolm:''' It's should in the sense of "You should do as you're fucking told." :'''Hugh:''' What, um...What are we gonna do now? :'''Malcolm:''' You're gonna completely reverse your position. :'''Hugh:''' Hang on-hang on-hang on a second. Hang-Malcolm, it's-it's not actually that, um – I mean, that's gonna be quite hard, really. :'''Malcolm:''' Yes, well the announcement that you didn't make today, you did. :'''Hugh:''' No, no, I didn't, ''and'' there were television cameras there while I was not doing it. :'''Malcolm:''' Fuck them. :'''Hugh:''' I'm not quite sure h– what level of reality I'm supposed to be operating on. :'''Malcolm:''' Look, this is what they run with. I tell them that you said it, they believe that you said it. They don't really believe you said it, they ''know'' that you never said it. :'''Hugh:''' Right. :'''Malcolm:''' But it's in their interests to say that you said it. Because if they don't say that you said it, they're not gonna get what you say tomorrow or the next day, when I decide to tell them what it is you're saying. :'''Hugh:''' Yeah, I-I am following this. I just... :'''Malcolm:''' I had a friend who used to indulge in extramarital affairs, OK? He would go off and he'd have some dalliance, and every Monday he'd come back and he'd meet his wife. And he told me that all he did was inside his head turn a little switch. The affair never happened. OK? :'''Hugh:''' Right. :'''Malcolm:''' There's not a prob -- I don't -- What is the problem with this? :'''Hugh:''' The problem with it...First of all, I -- I didn't get much dalliance. :'''Malcolm:''' Get it into your head. Rewind today into your head. :'''Hugh:''' OK, stop explaining it to me! :'''Malcolm:''' I have to fucking explain it to you, man. You haven't been here long enough. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Ollie is in an office arguing with his ex-girlfriend, Angela Heaney...who's also a news journalist.)'' :'''Ollie:''' I'm really glad you came in, Angela. :'''Angela Heaney:''' Well, I could lose my job, Ollie. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah... :'''Angela:''' Because I went all hot and heavy to the news desk with three directly contradictory stories in one day. :'''Ollie:''' I know, :'''Angela:''' They gave me flip-flops. You know? Someone actually went out and bought me flip-flops to give me. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah. You've gotta give them credit for that, that is quite funny. :'''Angela:''' Yeah. And they pasted onto them...a fucking porn picture of a girl sucking a big cock and they wrote, "Angela Heaney swallows anything." :'''Ollie:''' That is less funny. Obviously, that's actually quite offensive. :'''Angela:''' Can you give me one good reason why I shouldn't do a big story on the, you know, the day of spin? :'''Ollie:''' Wh-Why? What sort of story? ''(Ollie starts stammering and struggling to defend himself...)'' :'''Angela:''' Inside story of a government department out of control. With diagrams and maybe a flow chart with your face and name on it. And Glenn's and Hugh's and big arrows showing who spoke to who and how you all ''fucked it up!'' Yeah, I think I could write that one up myself, Ollie. I think I could do the punctuation on ''that'' one! :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, I-I'm sorry. Okay, I was patronis... :''(Suddenly, Malcolm comes into the office.)'' :'''Malcolm''': Hey. Hi, Angela. Oh, I like the hair, nice little corkscrews. How's it going? :'''Ollie''': Yeah, er, fine. Um, we were just, er, talking about why Angela shouldn't do a big story on the big insidery piece, kinda day of spin, sort of spread in the paper... :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Oh, I don't know. ''(to Angela)'' Maybe you should! Good idea. :''(Malcolm leaves -- then comes back.)'' :'''Malcolm''': Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute. I know why she shouldn't. Because, you know, if she did that, she'd be dead. To me, to this department, to the government. And she'll never get another story, or a fucking whiff of a story as long as she kept her sorry, hack bitch face lingering around Westminster, because I would call every editor I know - which, obviously, that's all of them - and I'd tell them to gouge her name out of their address books so she'd never even get a job on hospital radio ''where the sad sack belongs.'' That's what I'd tell her. ''(to Ollie)'' But maybe you should do it. See you later. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah. ''(to Angela)'' He's actually...He can be really nice. It's been a very long day. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hugh:''' I want a new driver. Get me a new driver. I don't want to see this guy ever again. :'''Glenn:''' On what grounds? :'''Hugh:''' Smiling. Inappropriate smiling. And smirking. Smiling and smirking. I don't want to see that smile or smirk ever again. OK? Thank you. ''(Hugh turns to the driver)'' OK, thank you very much. :'''Driver:''' Which way do you want to go? :'''Hugh:''' I don't care, you're the boss. ==Series 1, Episode 2== :''(This is the opening scene of the episode.)'' :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' You're late. And you look like shit. :'''Hugh:''' I know both of those things already. [[wikipedia:Margaret Thatcher|Margaret Thatcher]] used to survive on less than four hours' sleep a night. How is that possible? :'''Glenn:''' Monkey glands. She was mad. Mad people have different needs. :'''Hugh:''' And she lived above the shop, so she didn't have to commute. God, London is so big. Can't we devolve some of it? If I could get just one decent night's shut-eye... :'''Glenn:''' Well, Hugh, do yourself a favor. Stay over in the flat. :'''Hugh:''' I can't break my promise to Kate. :'''Glenn:''' I mean, do you actually get to see the children? :'''Hugh:''' Glenn, I don't have time for that. All I do... I work, I eat, I shower. That's it. Occasionally... I take a dump, just as a sort of treat. I mean, that really is my treat. That's what it's come to. I sit there and I think, "No, I'm not going to read the [[wikipedia:New_Statesman|''New Statesman'']]. This time is just for me. This is quality time just for me." Is that normal? :'''Glenn''': It's sad. :'''Hugh''': Well at least I've made something. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm and Hugh are on the phone, discussing an article by Simon Hewitt.)'' :'''Hugh:''' Hello, Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' Have you got Simon Hewitt's piece in front of you? :'''Hugh:''' I haven't been quite through it, erm, yet. :'''Malcolm:''' Have you got to the bit where he calls ''you'' out of your depth? :'''Hugh:''' No, at the moment he's calling me 'the political equivalent of the house wine at a suburban Indian restaurant'. That's not very good, is it? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hugh:''' So, how do we respond to this? :'''Terri:''' Right, we don't exchange insults with bloody Simon arsepipes titty-twat. :'''Ollie:''' Is that honestly the best swearing that you can come up with? :'''Glenn:''' This is a bucket of shit: if someone throws shit at us, we throw shit back at them, we start a shit fight. We throw so much shit back at them that they can't pick up shit, they can't throw shit, they can't do shit. :'''Terri:''' Mm. :'''Hugh:''' That's top swearing, Glenn, well done. :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Terri)'' Watch and learn. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hugh:''' ''(thinking of policy ideas)'' Shut up for a minute, please. Where else can we go? Pollution, the environment. Litter. Dog shit. :'''Ollie:''' Aiming high. :'''Hugh:''' We aimed high, now we're at dog shit. :'''Ollie:''' So what you're looking for – :'''Malcolm:''' ''(entering the room)'' OK, this is what we're doing. I'm putting it about through a number of cronies – :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Morning, Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' – that Hewitt's piece was a packet of bollocks; he did it as a favour to Cliff. :'''Ollie:''' Cliff being – :'''Glenn:''' Cliff Lawton. :'''Ollie:''' Oh right. :'''Malcolm:''' Hugh's predecessor. He and Hewitt are as tight as arse cheeks. :'''Hugh:''' Are they now? :'''Malcolm:''' Fuck knows, but that's what we're saying, OK? It's personal, it's backslapping, it's borderline homoerotic, and you are an innocent victim of a nasty media stitch-up. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Hugh has just asked Terri which policy idea she prefers: Glenn's or Ollie's?)'' :'''Terri:''' It's not my role to have a preference. I sell the apples. If you want me to sell the apples, I'll sell the apples. And if you want me to sell the oranges, then I'll go and tell people the apples? "The apples are shit, Ollie. They're shit." I'll say, "Go on! Check out our oranges!" <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' And you're against it? :'''Glenn:''' It'll die on its arse! 'My grandma was mugged by some ferret-faced teenager with a neck tattoo, what are you gonna do about it?' 'Teach him to play the bassoon.' It is, as my dear old mother would have said, double wank and shit chips.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Glenn:''' Well, my guts still say no. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well substantial as they are, they've been outvoted.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Hugh:''' Malcolm, I know you were very keen on Terri's appointment but, um – :'''Malcolm:''' She's shit. :'''Hugh:''' Well, I wouldn't go that far. :'''Malcolm:''' She's a box-ticker, Hugh. She can't think outside the box. :'''Hugh:''' No, in fact she's built a box inside the actual box and she's doing her thinking inside that box. :'''Malcolm:''' Exactly, I like that. :'''Hugh:''' I'm sorry, I'm so tired, Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' No, that's good. :'''Hugh:''' I have so much stuff to read and think about. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Terri''': Anyway, these focus groups, they're absolutely useless. :'''Ollie''': Oh, so it's useless to ask people what they think, is it? It's useless to ask people's opinions before we formulate a policy? It's useless?! :'''Glenn''': Look, there's no point in asking people what they think. They either don't know what they think or they think that you should bring back hanging for traffic wardens. Or they just think what every right-minded thinking person would think, and that's just common sense! :'''Ollie''': Oh, yeah yeah yeah, oh yeah, ''"I'm Geoff Average, and I think the same as everybody else cos I'm Mr Average Normal Bloke and everybody thinks like me cos I work in IT, and on the weekends I pop a few pills and do a bit of DJ-ing, y'know, spare cash cos I'm a single mum and I'm a member of the [[wikipedia:National_Trust_for_Places_of_Historic_Interest_or_Natural_Beauty|National Trust]], I enjoy any sports on TV, anything with Colin Firth, I enjoy domestic violence and sun-dried fucking...karaoke."'' Not everybody is the same, Glenn! People can surprise you! :'''Glenn:''' Was that good-natured joshing? <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm is still working late at night in his office, eating a piece of fruit, when his cell phone rings.) :'''Malcolm:''' ''(answering the call)'' Tucker. :'''Simon Hewitt:''' Malcolm, uh...hope I didn't wake you up. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(spitting)'' Hewitt. :'''Simon:''' Yeah, I'm doing a piece this Sunday, a big piece on focus groups. It's sort of inspired by your latest policy disaster. I'm gonna be concentrating on how your man Abbot can't do a single thing without focus groups. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(clearly unmoved)'' I'm shaking with fear. :'''Simon:''' Yeah, well, that's sexual jealousy. :'''Malcolm:''' You're so very very witty. Pity none of it ever makes it into your columns. :'''Simon:''' Listen, I'd love to spend the rest of the evening listening to you, but I've got better things to do. :'''Malcolm:''' Fuck off back to your match reports, you twat! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hugh:''' How fucked am I? :'''Ollie:''' Well, you look awful, you look terrible. I mean, you often look quite bad, but... :'''Hugh:''' I mean, in terms of negative publicity. On the fuckometer, where am I? :'''Glenn:''' Oh, 12. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah. 12, say. :'''Hugh:''' Out of what? :'''Glenn:''' Er... 50. :'''Ollie:''' Oh. Mine was out of ten. :'''Hugh:''' Right, ''(to Glenn)'' so I'm 24% fucked according to you, ''(to Ollie)'' but according to you I'm 120% fucked? :'''Ollie:''' Um, yeah, I didn't... :''(But before Ollie can finish his thought, Terri enters the office.)'' :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Terri)'' Terri, have you got anything for us? :'''Terri:''' Well, I can't ask them to drop the piece. It would make us look pathetic. :'''Hugh:''' Terri, I don't mean to come across all Mr. Gradgrind, but this is your job, isn't it? Sorting out the press? This is what you do for a living? :'''Terri:''' This is Malcolm's problem, anyway. He's the one who took it over. It's him that spun that... :''(Before Terri can finish her point, Malcolm enters the room and takes charge.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' All right, listen up, this is what we're gonna do. I'm bringing forward Hugh's interview with Angela to this afternoon. :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Morning, Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' It goes out as a spoiler tomorrow morning. That way, we can get our side of the story across and also piss all over Simon Hewitt's corn flakes, sadly only metaphorically, yeah? Right, okay. Ollie, call Heaney. Terri, get on to her editor. Glenn, book her room. [[wikipedia:The_Professionals_(TV_series)|Bodie, Doyle, you go round the back]]. :''(The other 4 are confused by Malcolm.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' At times of stress, I make jokes! :''(Glenn, Terri and Ollie go about their business.)'' :'''Hugh:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Right, um...What do I do? :'''Malcolm:''' Sit down in front of the TV with me. You're gonna watch that Zeitgeist tape now. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm and Hugh are in Hugh's office watching The Bill on tape. Hugh is sort of dozing off to sleep, when all of a sudden...he wakes up to see Mary, the Focus Group Superstar, in the show!)'' :'''Hugh:''' Oh, shit. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, I know, but people watch it. This gets 6,000,000. :'''Hugh:''' Oh, shit. :'''Malcolm:''' What? :'''Hugh:''' She's an actress. :'''Malcolm:''' Who? :'''Hugh:''' Mary, from the focus group, she's an actress. :'''Malcolm:''' Oh, relax, that doesn't matter. These focus groups, they do it all the time. If they're a bit short on numbers, they bung in a couple of actors. It doesn't matter because it's a focus group - key word, "group." :''(Hugh's trying to find a solution to his problem...)'' :'''Hugh:''' Ooh, I've just remembered. Um...can you just... :'''Malcolm:''' Should I pause it? :'''Hugh:''' If you could pause it for a second, I'll be...I'm sorry, I'll just be back in a sec. :''(Hugh rushes to get help from Glenn. Hugh has to whisper to Glenn so Malcolm doesn't hear anything.)'' :'''Hugh:''' Glenn? :'''Glenn:''' What? :'''Hugh:''' I've got a bit of a problem. You remember Mary from the focus group? :'''Glenn:''' What, Miss, uh, Immaculate Bloody Conception? :'''Hugh:''' She's an actress. :'''Glenn:''' What do you mean? :'''Hugh:''' Well, I mean she's – No, there's no clearer way of saying it, she's an actress. :'''Glenn:''' Are you sure? :'''Hugh:''' I've just seen her, she's in ''[[wikipedia:The_Bill|The fucking Bill]]''! :'''Glenn:''' Oh, Jesus! Look, this doesn't necessarily have to be a total fucking disaster. :'''Hugh:''' Oh, I think it does, because she wasn't for real, she's not really, uh, a stay-at-home [[wikipedia:Middle_England|Middle England]] housewife, she-she's just playing a part, so what she said wasn't, you know – :''(Hugh and Glenn walk past Terri, who is on the phone.)'' :'''Glenn:''' Yes. Yeah, I do know. :'''Terri:''' What, who said what wasn't what? :'''Hugh:''' ''(whispering to Terri)'' We are organising focus groups to listen to the opinions of ordinary people, except they're ''not'' ordinary people! They're fucking actors, so they're not technically people at all! :''(Glenn and Hugh go to Ollie's desk.)'' :'''Terri:''' ''(on the phone)'' Can I get back to you? :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' What is it? :'''Glenn:''' Your fucking legend is a fucking actress! :'''Ollie:''' Well, 'cause the focus group companies do it all the time. If they can't cobble together, you know, the right cross-section, they call a casting agency – :'''Glenn:''' Dial-an-opinion, is it? 'Send me three liberals, two fucking mavericks and a racist.' Brilliant, Ollie! Brilliant! :'''Hugh:''' ''(whispering)'' We've based the whole thing on her! Just her! Her alone! :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Don't you see? Why didn't you run it past me for once? :''(Hugh storms off towards a nearby cupboard.)'' :'''Hugh:''' ''(still whispering)'' Shit! Shit! :''(Glenn, Ollie and Terri continue whispering argumentatively.)'' :'''Glenn:''' It's not real! :'''Terri:''' I thought I recognized her. You know, she was in ''[[wikipedia:Midsomer Murders|Midsomer Murders]]''. :'''Glenn:''' Why didn't you say anything? :'''Terri:''' I saw her in ''Midsomer Murders''. I thought she might've had a twin or something. :'''Glenn:''' What a stupid thing to... :''(While Glenn, Terri and Ollie continue arguing, Hugh sulks silently in the cupboard.)'' :'''Hugh:''' Fuck! Fuck! :''(But as soon as Hugh starts banging things and making noise, somebody opens the cupboard door: It's Malcolm...and he's not happy.)'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' You said 'she.' :'''Hugh:''' Yes. :'''Malcolm:''' Come out of the cupboard, Hugh. :'''Hugh:''' No. :''(Malcolm enters the cupboard.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Hugh, we have to sort this out. When I asked you about the focus group – :'''Hugh:''' Yeah. :'''Malcolm:''' – you said 'she' loved it. :'''Hugh:''' We gave her a one-on-one. :'''Malcolm:''' Why? :'''Hugh:''' She's Middle England. :'''Malcolm:''' So Middle England is a big fucking field, with ''one woman'' standing in it? :'''Hugh:''' Do you think Hewitt will find out? :'''Malcolm:''' OF COURSE HE FUCKING WILL, SHE'S HIS MOLE! THAT'S WHY HE'S GOT A PIECE IN THE PAPER TOMORROW! :''(Malcolm leaves the cupboard, with Hugh right behind him.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Glenn, Ollie, Terri and Hugh)'' We've got to shut this down now, right? I want this leaked to Angela Heaney. It's damage control, OK? We put out the story the way ''we'' want it, before Hewitt fucks us up the bugle! Get onto it, now! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Hugh, Glenn and Ollie are trying to defend themselves. Terri's on the phone trying to contact Angela Heaney.)'' :'''Hugh:''' I didn't know that she's an actress! :'''Glenn:''' No, exactly! We, we've been lied to! We've been abused! We are the victims of abuse! :'''Terri:''' ''(holding the phone)'' Ollie? :'''Ollie:''' Shut up! :'''Terri:''' Can you call her? :'''Ollie:''' Yes, I'll call her! :''(Malcolm re-enters the picture.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Hugh)'' How could I know you are a broken vase? :'''Hugh:''' What the fuck are you talking about? :'''Malcolm:''' You're a broken vase! :'''Hugh:''' How do I know she's an actress? I never watch television! That's why you have to give me a stupid tape! :''(Hugh comes up with a plan...)'' :'''Hugh:''' Listen, we're gonna get her in, we're gonna talk to her, she'll meet us...I will talk to her because I'm good with people. She can help us, she'll see our point of view, we'll be fine. :'''Malcolm:''' Well, I hope so. I hope that's what gonna happen. :'''Ollie:''' Or we kill her. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Later that night, Malcolm, Hugh, Glenn and Ollie are talking to Mary. They're discussing what's going to happen because of her being an actress in a focus group.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Mary)'' Do you just want to think about what is going to happen tomorrow? :'''Hugh:''' Because tomorrow, you are gonna find the press all over you – :'''Mary:''' In a good way? :'''Hugh:''' No, not in a good way at all, I can tell you – :'''Malcolm:''' You know that film ''[[Notting Hill]]'', have you seen that? :'''Glenn:''' She's probably fucking in it. :'''Malcolm:''' You know that bit where the guy opens the door – :'''Mary:''' What is this? :'''Malcolm:''' – and there's like millions of journalists and hacks and photographers and all flashbulbs are going off? In about four hours time, that's gonna be you, darling: they're gonna be all over you like fucking cockroaches. :'''Hugh''' ''(trying to comfort Mary)'': It's OK, it's OK. :'''Malcolm:''' No no no no no no no no, it's NOT OK! It's not gonna be OK, and I'll tell you why: Because you're fair game. So I hope your knickers are clean. Because every seat-sniffing little shitbag that's ever filed a byline is gonna be questioning you. 'Cause now, it's in the fucking public interest, isn't it? And they're gonna hit you with any shit they can find and you're gonna be spread out there in front of them like a trollop in the [[wikipedia:Stocks|stocks]]! :'''Mary:''' I still don't really understand what's going on. :'''Malcolm:''' We can hold those dogs back, right? :'''Mary:''' What do you mean? :'''Malcolm:''' We can get you a nice journalist, yeah? :'''Glenn:''' Yes, exactly. :'''Malcolm:''' We can get you a nice young journalist, Angela Heaney...and maybe you...maybe you, I mean I don't know what shit that he made you sign, but whatever it was, it was bullshit. Maybe if you just say that, you know, uh, you were misquoted and also that Simon Hewitt's a prick, right? If you just said that... :'''Mary:''' Who? :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, the journalist that you told your story to. :'''Mary:''' I, I didn't...I didn't talk to any journalist. :'''Malcolm:''' You spoke to Simon Hewitt. :'''Mary:''' No, I... :'''Malcolm:''' You fucking spoke to Simon Hewitt, he's a fat guy with a tiny little dick the size of a bookie's biro. You fucking spoke to him. :'''Mary:''' ''(getting mad)'' I'd like to go now! :''(Now, ALL the guys are shouting!)'' :'''Glenn:''' Did you speak to Simon Hewitt? :'''Mary:''' No! I don't even know... :'''Hugh:''' You didn't speak to him. :'''Malcolm:''' She didn't fucking speak to him. :''(The guys are starting to realize that Mary's telling the truth.)'' :'''Mary:''' I don't know anyone called...Simon...whatever the fuck. :''(Malcolm starts yelling under his breath.)'' :'''Ollie:''' Hewitt. :'''Mary:''' Hewitt, yeah. :'''Glenn:''' She doesn't even know! ''(to Malcolm)'' Malcolm...Fuck's sake! :'''Mary:''' ''(talking about Malcolm)'' What's the matter with him? :'''Glenn:''' Ollie. ''(Glenn's motioning to Ollie to take Mary out of the room.)'' :'''Hugh:''' ''(to Mary)'' Sorry for anything I said that might have upset you. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(trying to apologize to Mary)'' Sorry, darling. Sorry, love. Just been crossed lines, darling. Sorry about that... :'''Mary:''' Will you leave me alone? :''(Ollie escorts Mary, who's understandably upset, out of the room.)'' <hr width="50%" /> :'''Malcolm:''' '''''FOR FUCK'S SAKE!''''' :'''Glenn:''' She didn't even know! :'''Malcolm:''' Fuck him! :'''Hugh:''' That didn't really work, did it? :'''Glenn:''' Is it too late... :'''Hugh:''' ''(confused and stunned)'' So can I just get this, this straight, just for my, just for my own sanity... :'''Glenn:''' Listen, if we get on the phone, can we pull the front page? :'''Hugh:''' No. It's too late. :'''Glenn:''' You mean Heaney's piece is gonna go ahead anyway now? :'''Malcolm:''' Of course it's gonna fucking go ahead! I mean, I'm good but I can't fucking hold back the tide, can I? Alright, that's it. That's it. I'm going to bed. :'''Hugh:''' Kind of ironic, really... :'''Malcolm:''' You're fucking on your own! ''(Malcolm angrily leaves, slamming the door.)'' :'''Hugh:''' ...because she, she hasn't actually spoken to, to Hewitt, uh...and we've, of our own volition, voluntarily released the story to the, to the press...unnecessarily. Um...Damn. <hr width="50%" /> :'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Can you wake me in a couple of hours? ''(Hugh lies down on a sofa)'' There's no time to go home, I'll just pass myself coming back in. ==Series 1, Episode 3== :'''Terri:''' Did you say we were gonna do a press release? :'''Hugh:''' Yes, erm, "Following a successful report stage debate, Secretary of State for Social Affairs, Hugh Abbot, today announced: 'I'm the fucking daddy!'"<hr width="50%" /> :'''Dan Miller:''' How are you, Glenn? :'''Glenn:''' I'm good, thank you – Actually, I just thought you were very heavy-handed with the backbenchers. No need for it in this day and age. :'''Dan Miller:''' Listen, Glenn. I mean, you know as well as I do, if you're going to make an omelette, you're going to have to have some frank and honest discussion with the eggs. And that's all I was doing. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm is in his office on his desk phone, trying to explain himself to a fellow government official.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' I'm not complacent, Tom. ''(beat)'' Yeah, I know we did take a hit over the-the-the focus group thing, but it wasn't a ''big'' hit. ''(beat)'' Oh yeah? Says who? ''(beat)'' Oh, the prime minister told you that, huh? Well, get you. ''(beat)'' Look, I can only cook with what I've been given. You know, it's like ''[[wikipedia:Ready Steady Cook|Ready Steady Cook]].'' You give me Hugh Abbot, I'll give you bangers and mash. But if you give me Gerry from the Home Office, well then, I can raise it to fucking risotto and scallops. Do you know what I mean? ''(beat)'' Yeah yeah yeah. Ok, ok. Ok, bye. <hr width="50%"/> :''(looking at Hugh's tie)'' :'''Glenn:''' What are those? They're little hippos, aren't they? :'''Hugh:''' I don't know what they are actually; I think they're just unidentified amusing creatures. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hugh:''' So what time does this ''[[w:Daily Mail|Daily Mail]]'' hack get here? :'''Glenn:''' Ten minutes, it's Angela Heaney, didn't I tell you? :'''Hugh:''' So she left the ''[[w:Evening Standard|Standard]]''? :'''Glenn:''' That's right, absolutely. :'''Hugh:''' Go on then: ask me some questions. :'''Glenn:''' Right, OK, I'll be Angela Heaney, and I'll ask you some questions. :'''Hugh:''' My God, that's uncanny. Mind you, your tits are a bit bigger than hers. :'''Glenn:''' Is it true that, although this Housing Bill went through Parliament with incredible ease – :'''Hugh:''' Actually, can you just do it as yourself? Sorry, it's just slightly unsettling. :'''Glenn:''' Right, erm – that you'll find a lot of difficulty in the real world? :'''Hugh:''' On the contrary, this Bill is going to do an extraordinary amount of good for an extraordinarily large number of people. Ordinary people, but ordinary people who ''deserve'' a little bit of the extraordinary in their lives. :''(both start giggling)'' :'''Glenn:''' Perfect. That's brilliant. That's brilliant! :'''Hugh:''' It's a piece of piss. :'''Glenn:''' There you are, you see. :'''Hugh:''' Go on, ask me something hard. :'''Glenn:''' Where's the [[w:Nazi gold|Nazi gold]], you donkey-shagger? :'''Hugh:''' I'm very pleased you asked me that, Angela, because let me just say right away that this Bill is going to do an extraordinary amount of good for an extraordinarily large – <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm''' ''(in his office, on his mobile)'': Hi Tom, what can I do for you? ''(beat)'' Well, I-I didn't know what he was doing with his flat – I told him that fucking flat w– Well, they're not running with this – No, well, I know, he's got-he's got an interview now with that-that-that Angela Heaney, you know, the twat bubble from the ''Standard'' – Fuck, she's just gone to the ''Mail''. I'm onto it. ''(Malcolm hangs up and leaves his office.)'' <hr width="50%"/> :''(After a LOT of running, Malcolm finally arrives at the floor where Hugh is talking to Angela Heaney.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' WHERE THE FUCK IS HE??? :'''Ollie:''' He's in the goldfish bowl! :'''Malcolm:''' Fuck! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Hugh is still talking to Angela.)'' :'''Hugh:''' No, no. Look, I'm very glad you brought that up, because that -- gives me...that gives me the opportunity to...Sorry...I...''(Hugh's looking at Malcolm through the 'goldfish bowl')'' Just mucking about...Um... :'''Hugh:''' I have always maintained very clearly... :'''Malcolm:''' ''(opening the door)'' Hi, Angela. Sorry, sorry, sorry, can I just borrow the Minister for a moment? :'''Hugh:''' Sure. Sorry, be right back with you. :''(Barely audible, outside the 'goldfish bowl' where Angela was interviewing Hugh...)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Hugh)'' They're running about your fucking flat, I fucking told you about that. How the fuck did you think it was gonna run, you STUPID CUNT?! How am I supposed to control what's going on if I don't know WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON? YOU'RE A FUCKING PRICK! AN ABSOLUTE CUNT! DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT? :''(While Malcolm is still yelling at Hugh, Terri opens the door to the "Goldfish Bowl." She comes in and offers to get Angela some goodies.)'' :'''Terri:''' Angela, can I get you a fresh cup of coffee? :'''Angela:''' No, I'm fine, thanks. :'''Terri:''' Um, would you like some tea? :'''Angela:''' Nope, nope. :'''Terri:''' No biscuits or anything? :'''Angela:''' No. :'''Terri:''' Do let me know if you need anything else. :'''Angela:''' I will. Thanks very much. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Hugh)'' GET BACK IN THERE AND WRAP THIS BULLSHIT UP! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Hugh re-enters the 'goldfish bowl'...) :'''Hugh:''' Ah. Hah! Bit of a disagreement. :'''Angela:''' Blimey. :'''Hugh:''' Yeah. Um, could you...I'm just curious, could you hear? Because we were actually...We can be quite brutal to each other, because we're actually very, very good, good friends. :'''Angela:''' Right. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Moments later, Malcolm is in Hugh's office, arguing with Glenn and Ollie over the scandal involving Hugh and his flat.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Glenn)'' You haven't been accepting ''any'' offers? :'''Glenn:''' NO! :'''Malcolm:''' Jesus... :'''Glenn:''' Well, that wasn't the point! The whole deal was we put the flat on the market so if the press are asking us, we say, "Fuck off, he's selling it!" They'll go away and then, you know, Hugh's got a place in town! :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' What the fuck is your girlfriend doing hitting us with this, huh? :'''Ollie:''' Well, she's not my girlfriend, Malcolm. So I've no idea. :'''Malcolm:''' Oh, well you won't mind if I kill her then, will you? :'''Ollie:''' It'd solve a lot of issues for me, to be honest with you. :'''Malcolm:''' Hey! Hey hey hey, if you could sweet-talk that sour-faced bitch into dropping us you'd be sweet to me, you'd be very very sweet – :'''Ollie:''' If I could sweet-talk that sour-faced bitch into anything I would have had a more comfortable four months – :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah well, I'll just have to kill the both of you then, won't I? :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, well. :'''Malcolm:''' That's a joke, by the way, not a very nice one, a nasty one which masks a lot of very negative feelings about this fucking department. :''(Malcolm's cell phone rings...)'' :'''Malcolm:''' (looking at his phone)'' Oh, Jesus. Tom Davies. ''(answering)'' Tom! Hello, how are you? Yes. No no, he was already there when I got there, he was talking to her. ''(Malcolm leaves Hugh's office.)'' <hr width="50%"/> :''(Hugh re-enters the office as he and his team try to create an emergency strategy of sorts.)'' :'''Hugh:''' What is happening? :'''Ollie:''' What the hell was that? :'''Hugh:''' What is happening? That was supposed-that was supposed to be a nice interview. :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' What on Earth did you say to her? :'''Hugh:''' I think-I think I denied being a racist. I hope so. :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Hugh)'' You didn't say that you have lots of black friends, you didn't go... :'''Hugh:''' Of course not. Well, I haven't-I haven't got any. :'''Ollie:''' What did you say about the offers? :'''Hugh:''' ''(stammering)'' I-I-I said I wasn't, I wasn't...someone else was handling the sale and I wasn't aware of any offers. :'''Glenn:''' Hugh? :'''Hugh:''' Hmm? :'''Glenn:''' Did you mention me by name? :'''Hugh:''' ''(still stammering)'' Um, possibly -- No, I-I don't think -- I-I may in between denying racism, possibly have, yes. :'''Glenn:''' ''(displeased)'' Thank you. Thank you very much. Thanks a fucking bunch! :''(Terri enters the office.)'' :'''Terri:''' OK, so what's the line on this then? :'''Hugh:''' I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. What is-what is the line on this? :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh, still upset)'' I don't know! Don't look at me! :'''Hugh:''' But we need to have a line on this. :''(Malcolm re-enters the office with some surprise news.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' OK, we've got movement, we got a break. :'''Glenn:''' What? What? What? :'''Malcolm:''' The flat's sold. :'''Hugh:''' ''(in disbelief)'' ''WHAT?'' :'''Malcolm:''' To the Asian family, for 40 grand below the asking price. But that's alright. :'''Glenn:''' Jesus! :'''Hugh:''' ''WHAT IS HAPPENING?!'' :'''Terri:''' Malcolm? :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah? :'''Terri:''' We're too late. :'''Malcolm:''' What? :'''Terri:''' All the papers have got a hold of it. The ''Express'' has been making offers on it, at the asking price and also £30,000 more. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(stunned)'' Jesus... :'''Terri:''' Haven't been accepted. :'''Malcolm:''' We've got to stall. :'''Hugh:''' This is madness! I just own a flat, I haven't raped somebody! :'''Terri:''' ''(on her cell phone)'' Yeah, they're calling the scandal "Flatgate." :'''Hugh:''' ''Scandal?!'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(whispering to Terri)'' Flatgate?! :'''Glenn:''' Well, that's crap. It's a crap name for a scandal. :'''Terri:''' They should call it "Notting Hill Gate-gate." :'''Hugh:''' Can we at least stop calling it a scandal? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Terri, unamused)'' Are you joking? Are you joking now? :'''Terri:''' ''(leaving the office)'' On my way to stall. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, get stalling. :''(A moment of silence...and then...)'' :'''Hugh:''' Maybe we can just blame it all on Terri. :'''Glenn:''' That is an option, isn't it? <hr width="50%"/> :''(The next day, Hugh is in Malcolm's office...arguing about "Flatgate.")'' :'''Hugh:''' It's a flat! :'''Malcolm:''' It is a second home! In a borough with thousands of homeless people that you have kept more or less empty for ages! Have you not read your own Housing Bill, for God's sake? :'''Hugh:''' It wasn't-I only kept it empty for a little while to see my bloody family. Obviously, on reflection, I should have filled it with prostitutes and, and rent boys and crack cocaine pimp tattoo freaks. :'''Malcolm:''' Thanks to Dan Miller and his like, the Housing Bill is a success, but this is ''burying'' the whole thing! :'''Hugh:''' Well, what do you want ''me'' to do? ''Resign?'' ''(Malcolm stares at him)'' No, no! No, that is – I'm not going over this. :'''Malcolm:''' The way out of this situation is for you to – :'''Hugh:''' This is madness, Malcolm, this desire for perfection, that – I am not perfect, I am just a person, right? I need to sleep, I need to eat, occasionally I need to take a dump. So, I mean, what's next, I mean, do we put that on the evening news, on the front page? "Minister is disgusting defecation outburst". [[wikipedia:Mollie_Sugden|Mollie Sugden]] at Number 10: "Did you enjoy your shit, Mr Abbot?" They should just clone ministers, you know, so we're born at 55, with no past, and no flats, and no genitals. Just a world of robots in a sort of – It's like a futuristic film, and you'd enjoy that, wouldn't you? You'd be in your little space station surrounded by obedient androids, like that fucking brushed-aluminium Dan Miller cyber-prick! :'''Malcolm:''' It ''is'' possible to have a good resignation, you know! :'''Hugh:''' ''A good resignation?'' Oh, I'm looking forward to how you're gonna sell ''this'' to me! :'''Malcolm:''' Look, people really like it when you go just a bit early! You know, steely-jawed, faraway look in your eyes! Before they're getting to the point when they're sitting round in the pub saying "Oh, that fucker's got to go", you ''surprise'' them! "''Blimey'', he's gone, I didn't expect that! Resigned? You don't see that much anymore! Old school! Respect! I rather liked the guy! He was hounded out by the fucking press!" How about that, huh? What a way to go, yeah? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ollie:''' You know, I'm just the counter man in [[w:McDonalds|McDonald's]], I'm not that important, frankly; you're the clown running the shop, you're the one that they want to see strung up from a lamppost by his fucking wig. :'''Glenn:''' What does that make me? :'''Ollie:''' [[w:Ronald McDonald|Ronald McDonald]]. :'''Glenn:''' Well, fuck off! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' "Department of Social Affairs", Department of Fucking Shocking, Shitty, Charlatan, ''Shits!'' That's what – ''(to Ollie)'' Feet off the furniture, you [[wikipedia:Oxbridge|Oxbridge]] twat! You're no' on a [[wikipedia:Punt_(boat)#Punting_in_England|punt]] now. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hugh''' ''(to Dan Miller)'': I've missed my ideal resigning point. With every day I delay, it's another year before I can get back again. If I had resigned the day I was appointed, I'd actually be Prime Minister by now. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hugh:''' Social Affairs, what the fuck does that actually mean? You know, it's so vague. You know, 'Hello, I'm Hugh Abbot, the Minister for, I dunno, stuff'. ==Series 2, Episode 1== :''(Ollie has had sex with Emma. And he realizes the whole office knows about it -- much to his dismay.)'' :'''Ollie:''' Terri, is, uh -- ''(Ollie instead sees Robyn Murdoch.)'' Oh, hello, Robyn. Where's Terri? Is she not... :'''Robyn Murdoch:''' ''(smiling)'' Well, morning, Mr. Lover-Loverman! :'''Ollie:''' Does -- Does nobody else ever shag anybody else in Westminster? :'''Glenn:''' ''(pretending to be seductive)'' ''Hey, Horatio!'' ''(beat)'' How's it hanging? :'''Ollie:''' It's hanging fine. :'''Glenn:''' Sleeping with the opposition, I hear, hey? :'''Ollie:''' Not all of them. :'''Glenn:''' What do they do? Do they keep a tight hold on the fiscal, um, the fiscal, you know, um... :'''Ollie:''' Scrotum? What? What? :'''Glenn:''' ''(beside himself)'' Shagging the opposition. Never would have happened in my day. :'''Ollie:''' Well, she's not my opposite number, Glenn. 'Cause Levitt has gone to Shadow Defence, so she's doing Shadow Defence, so she's no longer Social Affairs, so... :'''Glenn:''' Did you manage to do some good while you were there and steal a few policy papers? :'''Ollie:''' It's hard to know why you're so unsuccessful with the opposite sex. I'll tell you what, though... :'''Glenn:''' I never fucked Terri. :'''Ollie:''' Oh, Terri. Did you not know? :'''Glenn:''' No. :'''Ollie:''' Malcolm's, um... :'''Glenn:''' Malcolm's what? :'''Ollie:''' Binned her. She's gone. :'''Glenn:''' You're jo... :''(At this moment, Hugh enters the office -- and even HE knows about Ollie's night of romance with Emma!)'' :'''Hugh:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Morning, studmuffin. Enjoy your walk on the wild side? How was your dip in the wild blue – pussy? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Glenn:''' Hugh, I have some wonderful news for you. Terri's gone. :'''Hugh:''' What? :'''Glenn:''' Terri. Terri's gone. :'''Hugh:''' What do you mean "gone?" :'''Ollie:''' Uh, yeah. A resignation bluff that went awry. :'''Hugh:''' ''(very happy)'' NO! YES! OH, RESULT! WHOO! WHOO! ALL RIGHT! COME ON! HIGH FIVE! :''(But Robyn comes into the office to deliver some sad news about Terri's father.)'' :'''Robyn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' Secretary of State, um, just to let you know, Terri's father's, uh, had a stroke. It's pretty serious, um, so she's gonna be gone quite awhile. :'''Hugh:''' ''(much more sympathetic)'' I'm...Oh dear, that's awful. I'm so sorry. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm and his second-in-command, Jamie, are having a good, lively talk while walking to Malcolm's office.)'' :'''Jamie:''' Where's Neil? :'''Malcolm:''' Leicester, poor fucker. You'd think that once you'd achieved a certain status, you might have been excused visiting Leicester, wouldn't you? :'''Jamie:''' Have you seen the whips' numbers? :'''Malcolm:''' NoMFuP. :'''Jamie:''' Eh? :'''Malcolm:''' NoMFuP, N-O-M-F-P, Not My Fucking Problem – I quite liked that, did you like that? :'''Jamie:''' Yeah, it's very good. :'''Malcolm:''' I think I'll use that quite a lot today. :'''Jamie:''' I'll use it as well. :''(Malcolm spots a journalist he's very happy with for doing a good profile on a government Minister.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to the journalist)'' OH HO HO! Well done with Fatty's profile. Very very good. I nearly liked the enormous fucker reading it. :''(Malcolm and Jamie continue their conversation.)'' :'''Jamie:''' What if the MOD breaks tonight? What I'm hearing is the overspend's getting more brutal by the hour. ''(Both men enter Malcolm's office.)'' They're talking about topping off at one-one and a half billion. Obviously, that's a lot of nurses. :'''Malcolm:''' Or one fantastically enormous robotic one, yeah? :'''Jamie:''' Obviously, yeah. :'''Malcolm:''' And how's the Minister? :'''Jamie:''' He's shitting himself. ''(laughs)'' He's practically kissing his driver goodbye. He said he felt like he was "in the Twin Towers on 9/11, just fucking waiting." :'''Malcolm:''' Oh, for fuck's sake. But everybody knows their lines, yeah? IT projects always overspend. :'''Jamie:''' Oh, yeah, yeah. :''(Malcolm's loyal personal assistant, Sam, enters the office. She has some papers for Malcolm to look over and sign.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Sam)'' Do you think you could manage to get me a decent cup of tea? Would that be possible? :''(Sam readily agrees.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Thank you. Try not to drip in it. :''(After Sam leaves the office, Malcolm continues his chat with Jamie.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Jamie)'' I tell you the thing that's worrying me is, er – is this dodgy? :'''Jamie:''' I don't know. The kid's firm was the second lowest bid. He says they never talked. What does it matter? :'''Malcolm:''' No, but you know me, I'm a man of principle. :'''Jamie:''' Oh, I know. :'''Malcolm:''' I like to know whether I'm lying to save the skin of a tosser or a moron. :'''Jamie:''' Probably a moron. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Ollie is preparing for his trip to Number 10 in Hugh's office.)'' :'''Hugh:''' ''(looking at Ollie's cell phone)'' Is this yours? Is this new? :'''Ollie:''' Uh, yeah. I thought I'd get it for Number 10. :'''Hugh:''' It's got a camera on it? :'''Ollie:''' Yeah. Yeah, it's on the back. :'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Happy slap him. Go on. :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Hugh)'' How do you know about happy slapping? How do ''you'' begin to know about... :''(But before Ollie could finish the question, Glenn gives Ollie a "Happy Slap" upside the head!)'' :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Get off! :'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Hang on, I missed it. No, will you do it again? :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Hugh)'' That's assault. :''(Glenn happy slaps Ollie again.)'' :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Get off, will you? :'''Hugh:''' ''(to Ollie)'' No, listen, it's all right, we can doctor the crime figures. :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' I really like this! :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' I'll punch you in your substantial gut. :''(And then, Robyn gives Ollie a happy slap, too!)'' :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Robyn)'' Fucking hell, Robyn! You little fucker! :''(Hugh and Glenn are laughing at Ollie's expense. Then, after the laughter dies down, the 2 of them decide to take a selfie of themselves on Ollie's cell phone.)'' :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' We should take one of us, so he's got something to remember us by. :''(Glenn takes the pic.)'' :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' Because, you know, at the end of the week, you're gonna be head of the Policy Unit. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, then you'll both be out. :'''Hugh:''' Giving head to the Policy Unit. :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' Hugh, can we, uh, do the prep for the factory visit now? :'''Hugh:''' Yeah. :'''Glenn:''' We're gonna get there at about 12, 12:30, okay? :'''Ollie:''' Forgot the, um... :''(Ollie picks up something from Hugh's desk -- and then gives Glenn a happy slap upside his head! Then, Ollie leaves.)'' :'''Glenn:''' ''(annoyed)'' Stupid boy. :'''Hugh:''' That ''was'' funny. :'''Glenn:''' That was funny? :'''Hugh:''' Yeah. :'''Glenn:''' I don't think it was funny. :'''Hugh:''' I'm an elected representative of the people. :'''Glenn:''' Yes? :'''Hugh:''' It was funny. <hr width="50%"/> :''(As Ollie is waiting outside Malcolm's office, Malcolm is yelling out for Sam again.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' SAM! :''(Sam comes toward Malcolm's office.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Sam, a coffee and a fucking skinny muffin, if that's possible. ''(Malcolm then sees Ollie.)'' What the fuck are ''you'' doing ''here?'' :'''Ollie:''' I thought you said today, Malcolm. Did you not say... :'''Malcolm:''' I mean what are you doing there? Come on! :'''Ollie:''' All right, sorry. I just didn't want to interrupt you, I never know what you're doing in your – :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well if the PM's giving me a blowjob I always put a sign up. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Robyn Murdoch is a senior press secretary for the Department of Social Affairs. She is traveling with Glenn and Hugh to their factory visit.)'' :'''Robyn:''' I've confirmed that they'll definitely be a regional news team filming our arrival, plus there will be four local papers. :'''Hugh:''' Regional news? :'''Glenn:''' No nationals? :'''Robyn:''' Well, this is very much a regional event. You know, I didn't think that... :'''Hugh:''' Robyn, all events are regional, hmm? Everything that happens in the world has to happen somewhere. Do you see? Even JFK's assassination was a regional event. But it was also very important. Hmm? Like this factory visit? You see that? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Geoff Holhurst)'' How much fucking shit is there on the menu, and ''what fucking FLAVOUR is it?'' :'''Ollie:''' ''(on the phone to Emma)'' Oh, Malcolm? No no, that's – I'm in a Scottish restaurant, some man's complaining 'cause they've under-fried his Mars Bar – yeah, of course it's Malcolm! ''(beat)'' Well, Malcolm's all sound major. That's him every day. It's like this furnace of shit. It's not -- it's not good for my system. :'''Geoff Holhurst:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Christian's firm put in the second lowest tender. That's Point 1. :'''Ollie:''' ''(on the phone to Emma)'' Do you fancy meeting up? Maybe tomorrow night? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Geoff)'' You're ''worse'' than dead meat. I don't know why you're laughing. You're too toxic to even feed to the vultures. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Hugh, Robyn, and Glenn arrive at the factory for their visit. Hugh gets out of the car first so he can say hello to the factory's employees.)'' :'''Hugh:''' Hello. Hello, Hugh Abbot. Nice to meet you. Hello. :''(But as soon as he starts saying hello to the employees, Hugh is caught off guard by a surprise confrontation from one of the workers!)'' :'''Factory Woman:''' Do you know what it's like to clean up your own mother's piss? :'''Hugh:''' I'm sorry? :'''Factory Woman:''' Do you? I mean, she was in that home for 16 weeks. Do you know what it's like to clean up your own mother's piss? :'''Hugh:''' That's, that's, that's very tough, isn't it? That's very, very tough, and our hearts, all our hearts, go out to you. :'''Factory Woman:''' But do you know what it's like to get down and clean up your own mother's piss? :'''Hugh:''' I-I think that I'm probably not the right person to talk to about this. :'''Factory Woman:''' Who ''do'' I talk to? :'''Hugh:''' Urinary and affairs like that are probably more, more Health. So anyway, lovely to talk to you... :''(Hugh turns his attention away from the woman and towards the factory, talking to a factory supervisor.)'' :'''Hugh:''' What a fantastic -- What a fantastic landscaping! I really do think it makes an enormous difference to the workplace when you have this relationship with... :''(But the Factory Woman won't let up.)'' :'''Factory Woman:''' But is that your answer? Is that your answer? :'''Hugh:''' Can I just say, we'll get someone to, to note your, your case and do what we can about it. :'''Factory Woman:''' You'll get someone to note my case?! ''Nobody's'' noted my case! :''(And when she sees Hugh touching her arm, she REALLY gets livid!)'' :'''Factory Woman:''' STOP IT DON'T TOUCH ME! WHAT ARE YOU TOUCHING ME FOR? YOU DON'T KNOW ME! YOU DON'T EVEN WANT TO KNOW ME, DO YOU? :'''Hugh:''' (stammering) I know, I do want, I would like to get to know you. I've just... :'''Factory Woman:''' OH, WHY ARE YOU WALKING AWAY FROM ME, THEN? Would you like to know the facts? I'll tell you about the facts. :'''Glenn:''' The minister would love to know the facts. :'''Factory Woman:''' There are two qualified nurses out of all those care assistants. Only two! :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh, quietly)'' Give her a smile... :'''Factory Woman:''' The rest are only kids! :''(Hugh gives the Factory Woman a sheepish smile, but that just makes the situation worse...)'' :'''Factory Woman:''' WHAT ARE YOU SMILING AT? WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT? DO YOU THINK IT'S FUNNY? DO YOU THINK I'M FUNNY? DO YOU THINK MY MOTHER'S PISS IS FUNNY? WELL, IT'S NOT FUNNY! SHE'S NOT LAUGHING! SHE'S PISSING HERSELF! I'M NOT LAUGHING! I'M CRYING! <hr width="50%"/> :''(A short while later, Hugh, who is on a higher level in the factory, is talking to Glenn on his cell phone. Glenn is on the ground level...and that pesky Factory Woman is screaming right at him!)'' :'''Hugh:''' Glenn? Is she still saying it? :'''Glenn:''' Oh God, yes. (Glenn turns to the Factory Woman.) Would you please just give me a moment? :''(Glenn continues his conversation with Hugh on his cell phone.)'' :'''Glenn:''' Yes. Yes, she's banging on about it even now. The trouble is, Hugh, they reckon they've got some great shots. You know... :'''Hugh:''' ''Great shots?'' :'''Glenn:''' The thing is: Don't panic. :''(The Factory Woman finally gets more of her 2 cents in...)'' :'''Factory Woman:''' ...BECAUSE IT'S DISGUSTING! YOU CANNOT TREAT PEOPLE LIKE THIS! :''(Glenn's patience has finally run out.)'' :'''Glenn:''' CAN YOU PLEASE SHUT UP FOR ONE FUCKING MINUTE? I'm asking nicely. Please! :''(Glenn finishes his phone conversation with Hugh.)'' :'''Glenn:''' Now, Hugh -- look, I'm gonna have to hang up. :'''Factory Woman:''' Did you enjoy that? Did you enjoy that? <hr width="50%"/> :''(Meanwhile at Number 10, Malcolm and Jamie are having a stern chat with Geoff Holhurst's son, Christian.)'' :'''Jamie:''' ''(to Christian Holhurst)'' Your dad told us that he didn't know you worked for the company. You never told him. :''(Ollie's cell phone rings...)'' :'''Ollie:''' ''(answering his phone)'' Ollie Reeder? ''(beat)'' Um -- Sorry, who is this? :'''Christian Holhurst:''' ''(to Jamie and Malcolm)'' Obviously, he knew, but... :'''Ollie:''' ''(on his phone)'' No, I've never cleaned up my own mother's piss. ''(Ollie's talking to the Factory Woman.)'' Sorry, what? Who-Who are you? :'''Jamie:''' ''(to Christian)'' Well, you-you ''do'' talk to your dad? :'''Ollie:''' ''(on his cell)'' Well, how did you get... :'''Jamie:''' ''(to Christian)'' NO, YOU FUCKING DON'T! That is the wrong answer! The wrong fucking answer! :'''Ollie:''' ''(on his cell)'' Please don't be aggressive. I will call back. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Christian)'' You tell your corporate affairs people. Otherwise, I'm gonna come over there and fucking maim every single fucking one of them. Okay? Good to see you. All right? Well done, Christian. <hr width="50%"/> :''(In this scene, Malcolm has arrived at ITN, a news network, to meet Mark Davies, the news producer. Malcolm & Mark are in the production room discussing footage of Hugh being confronted at the factory by the Factory Woman.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(introducing himself to Mark)'' Mark? Hi, Mark Davies? I'm Malcolm. We've spoken on the phone. :'''Mark Davies:''' Yes. :'''Malcolm:''' Do you mind if I pop in? It's just -- I was in seeing Pam. and everyone started talking about the Hugh thing. :'''Mark:''' Yes... :''(Mark nods his head in agreement with Malcolm as they look at the footage.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Do you see what I have to work with? :'''Mark:''' I know, Malcolm. He doesn't look great, does he? :''(As they continue looking at the footage, Malcolm starts to attempt to play director.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Mark's assistant)'' That shot, are you going to use that? :'''Mark:''' Malcolm. :''(Mark doesn't want Malcolm touching the equipment.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Sorry, sorry. :'''Mark:''' Don't touch that. :'''Malcolm:''' This isn't in the package, is it, Mark? :''(Sure enough, Malcolm's inner director starts channeling inside him again.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Mark's assistant)'' You're not using that. You can't use that. ''(to Mark)'' This is dumbing down of the news agenda that people like me and your boss's boss really object to. And I'm gonna mention this to him when I see him on Friday, by the way. :'''Mark:''' Malcolm, this is a traditional old-fashioned news story, called 'Minister looks a tit'. :'''Malcolm:''' Hey, everybody looks a tit, you know? Take two of these shots of him looking moronic out. Leave a couple in of him looking a little bit dim, put one of him composed, drop it down the running order, and we've got a deal. :'''Mark:''' I'm not – Deal, what deal, Malcolm? He looks a tit, that's it. I'm sorry. :'''Malcolm:''' But there is a difference between allowing someone's natural tittishness to come through, and just exploiting it through camera work here! You're sticking one tit moment on top of another tit moment. That wouldn't happen in real life. And do you know about that woman? Have you made any inquiries into the background of that woman? :'''Mark:''' I'm sure my researchers have, yes. :'''Malcolm:''' Yes. Your researchers have? Well, well, I'm gonna tell you I don't think they have. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' Stats, percentages, international comparison, information! Email them fucking WADS of information! And tell them they'd better get their heads around it before they put pen to paper, or I'll be up their arses like a fucking Biafran ferret, right? COME ON, UNLEASH HELL! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hugh:''' Sometimes I...You know, when you meet the real...the actual people...Don't you ever, I mean, just look at the little, beady eyes and mean mouths sort of sneering, and...I mean, I know this is what they think people like me think, so I hate thinking it, but I just find myself thinking they're from a different fucking species. You know, with their T-shirts and weird trousers and tabards. Why do they wear clothes with writing on them? And why are they so fucking fat? :'''Glenn:''' I know, and stupid. :'''Hugh:''' God, I hate this place. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm and Jamie are about to give Ollie an important mission...)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Ollie. :'''Jamie:''' ''(to Ollie)'' We need you to fuck Hugh for us. ''(beat)'' Okay? :'''Ollie:''' ''(reluctantly)'' Okay. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' I need you to go over to Mark Davies at ITN, right? They're 50/50 on bumping Hugh up to top of the bill with the Piss Woman, right? Can you sort that out for me? ''(Ollie agrees)'' Good lad. Okay, see you later. :'''Ollie:''' ''(seeing a bag of chips from a bin on his chair)'' Oh nice, very nice. :'''Jamie:''' WELL GO FOR FUCK'S SAKE, YOU BIG FUCKING PRICK! I'LL CUT YOUR FUCKING EARS OFF, WE NEED IT DONE! :'''Ollie:''' When I met you this morning, I thought you were the nice Scot! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ollie:''' Fuck's sake. ''(Ollie answers his phone)'' Oliver Reeder. :'''Malcolm:''' Have you sorted it, Ollie? :'''Ollie:''' It's not quite sorted just yet, Malcolm, it's difficult – :'''Malcolm:''' Shall I send Jamie over? Would you like that? :'''Ollie:''' No, no – :'''Malcolm:''' You and Jamie and a rubber truncheon, locked in that fucking newsroom together. :'''Ollie:''' No, I'm fine. :'''Malcolm:''' Then make me happy. Bring me sunshine. :'''Ollie:''' Right, I'll make you happy, Malcolm. ''(Ollie hangs up)'' Dickwad. ''(Ollie's phone rings again. He answers it)'' Oliver Reeder. :'''Jamie:''' Hey all right, shitebag, you done it yet? :'''Ollie:''' I'm just in the middle of doing it right now, but every time I try – :'''Jamie:''' WELL, FUCKING HURRY UP! GET OFF THE FUCKING PHONE! :'''Ollie:''' ''(Ollie hangs up)'' Fuck's sake! ''(His phone rings yet again. He answers)'' I'm fucking doing it! I'm just – Sorry Emma, yeah, hi. I'm stuck in that meeting about equal pay. It's just – it's gone over. But, uh, but - Hey, you know, tonight. Are we still on? ''(beat)'' Yeah. Yeah, ''Solaris,'' here we come. Bye. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Hugh and Glenn are finally back from the disastrous factory visit, talking about...piss.)'' :'''Hugh:''' Have you, though? :'''Glenn:''' What? :'''Hugh:''' Ever cleaned up your own mother's piss? :'''Glenn:''' No, I never knew my mother, Hugh. As you know. :'''Hugh:''' Sorry. Have you--have you ever cleaned up your stepmother's piss? :'''Glenn:''' No, I never cleaned her piss. It wasn't that kind of relationship. :'''Hugh:''' No, nor me. Though I have to say, I've done Alicia's piss and Charlie's piss. I mean, you know, loads, loads of it. But, you know, it's only piss. It's -- Yeah, thanks. I mean, she was going on as if it was some sort of toxic waste or something, but it's, what's a bit of piss? <hr width="50%"/> :''(In the Number 10 Newsroom, Malcolm and the team are about to watch the ITN News.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' All right, folks, here we go. :''(The top story on the news is about Hugh's disastrous factory visit.)'' :'''News Announcer:''' ''Tonight, dramatic pictures...'' :''(The newsroom office cheers.)'' :'''News Announcer:''' ''...of voter anger over the NHS.'' :'''Jamie:''' ''(happily)'' Anything other than Number One spot is a big win. :'''News Announcer:''' ''...spin doctor thought our tape had stopped running.'' :''(Sure enough, Ollie's cell phone pic of Glenn appears on the TV screen...with the sound of Glenn getting mad.)'' :'''Glenn:''' ''CAN YOU PLEASE SHUT UP FOR ONE F$%@#!G MINUTE?'' :'''Jamie:''' ''(quite amused)'' Oh oh oh, he is so fucked! ''(to Ollie)'' Hey, good photo. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah. Well, you know, it's a good phone. :'''Hugh:''' ''What fantastic landscaping...'' :''(More howls of laughter emanate from the newsroom.)'' <hr width="50%"/> :''(Back at Hugh's office, Glenn is sitting in a chair beside himself. Hugh is pacing the floor.)'' :'''Glenn:''' Who do you think looked worse? You or me? :'''Hugh:''' Well, I mean, I looked bad, but you said bad. I suppose on balance, um, honestly...You, really. :'''Glenn:''' ''(quiet, but annoyed)'' Great. :''(Glenn's cell phone rings.)'' :'''Glenn:''' Oh. Go away. :''(Glenn hangs up on the call...and after a few moments...)'' :'''Glenn:''' I don't know if I'm gonna survive this, Hugh. They're gonna be all over me like shingles. ''(Glenn's cell phone rings again.)'' They are all over me like shingles! :''(Glenn hangs up on the call again...More awkward silence...)'' :'''Hugh:''' It'll be OK. :'''Glenn:''' Do you think? :'''Hugh:''' Yeah, it'll probably be fine. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Ollie has stopped answering his cell phone. Let's hear what his voicemails have to say.)'' :'''Hugh:''' ''(in a voicemail)'' Ollie, hi, it's Hugh. I just wanted to say thank you very very much. The way you shifted the spotlight onto Glenn was quite Tucker-esque, really very [[w:Machievelli|Malc-iavellian]], if you know what I mean. Well done, and bye bye. :'''Factory Woman:''' ''(in a voicemail)'' Hello, Ollie. Just seen myself on the news. Okay, let's get something done now. And, uh, I'll be phoning you every day until we do sort out my mother and her problem. Thank you. <hr width="50%"/> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Jamie:''' Oh, don't worry about Malcolm, he's only about half as scary as he thinks he is. Well, here, you can have this desk, it's free. :'''Ollie:''' OK. :'''Jamie:''' Don't worry, she won't be coming back. Hey, Joe, Joe! This guy is your replacement. I'm not fucking joking, by the way. Ollie, this is Frankie. Frankie, this is Ollie. ''(Ollie extends his hand to Frankie, who ignores it)'' Frankie, I don't know what happened, but I somehow – you know those numbers I asked you for? I never found them on my desk. Maybe somebody stole them. Or, maybe, maybe, you're fucking me around. And if you fuck me around again, I'll tell you something: ''(laughs slightly)'' I am going to rip your fucking head off, and shit right down into your neck, ''(grabs Frankie's head)'' and then I'm going to stick your FUCKING head back on, and SHIT ON THAT! ==Series 2, Episode 2== :''(At the start of this episode, Hugh is talking on his cell phone to someone about the impending "Cabinet Reshuffle.")'' :'''Hugh:''' ''(on his cell phone)'' No, Derek. I'm not presuming anything. It's entirely up to the PM. I'll just go wherever he wants me to go. I'm gonna have to go. Bye-bye. :''(Next, Hugh and Ollie, who's right behind him, both meet up with Robyn and congratulate her on getting a place at Malcolm's 8:30 press meeting.)'' :'''Hugh:''' ''(to Robyn)'' Good morning. :'''Robyn:''' ''(cheekily smiling)'' Morning, Minister. :'''Hugh:''' Are you just off to your 8:30 with Malcolm? :'''Robyn:''' Yep yep. :'''Hugh:''' First one? :'''Robyn:''' Into the Lion's Den, Viper's Pit. :'''Hugh:''' "The Belly of the Beast, the Lair of the White Worm." :'''Ollie:''' The Eye of the Snake. :'''Hugh:''' Not all the departments get asked to the 8:30, so... :'''Robyn:''' That's true. :'''Hugh:''' A great honor that we are in there with the big hitters. Always best to be inside the tent, pissing out. :'''Ollie:''' Absolutely. If you were, you know, doing this over at Environment and Rural Affairs, you'd be, uh, at 8:30 you'd be very much outside the tent, wouldn't you? Probably at Coffee Republic. :'''Hugh:''' Covered in piss. Good luck. You'll be fine. You don't need good luck. Yeah. :'''Robyn:''' What about the...piss? :'''Hugh:''' ''(reassuring Robyn)'' No no no, it's just a figure of speech. :'''Robyn:''' I'd better go. :'''Ollie:''' See you later, Robyn. :'''Robyn:''' OK. :'''Ollie:''' ''(looking at his cell phone)'' I'm sure there's a way of... :'''Hugh:''' ''(chasing after Robyn)'' Robyn! :''(Hugh just remembered to ask Robyn a question.)'' :'''Hugh:''' ''(whispering to Robyn)'' Robyn, sorry. Could you try and pick up any signals you can from Malcolm about -- about the, um...about the reshuffle? :'''Robyn:''' I've really got to go now, because I don't want to be late. :'''Hugh:''' Yeah, God, don't be late! :'''Robyn:''' Apparently, they shout things at the last one in. :'''Glenn:''' ''(entering the scene)'' If anyone shouts at you, they'll have to answer to me. I'll box his ears. :''(Robyn leaves)'' :'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Box his ears? If that was flirting, that was absolutely crap. :'''Glenn:''' What? :'''Hugh:''' Box his ears? How long is it since you've had sex? :'''Glenn:''' That is between me and my internet service provider. Anyway, about this morning's – :'''Ollie:''' ''(chuckling)'' You've actually gone red, Glenn. Look at you. :'''Hugh:''' Yeah, you have. Look, you've gone red. :'''Glenn:''' I have not gone red. ''(points to his folder)'' That's red. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah! :'''Hugh:''' Look, he can hardly walk properly. :<hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm Tucker is having his 8:30 meeting with all the reporters and press officers from various government departments.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(entering the room)'' Morning morning morning morning! :'''Everyone else:''' Morning. :'''Malcolm:''' OK, I want to have a little bit of a think about, um, some of our presentational issues with regard to yesterday. There seems to have been a bit of a problem last night with, uh, Liam on ''Newsnight.'' I would like to know why did we have a Minister on last night who did not appear to know their lines. :'''Reporter #1:''' It's not all his fault, Malcolm. We-we grilled him beforehand. :'''Malcolm:''' You grilled him? :'''Reporter #1:''' He's got a new baby. He's not getting enough sleep. :'''Malcolm:''' I don't care if he's got a new baby. I don't care whether he's tired. He looked like he didn't know what he was fucking talking about. Now I know he doesn't know what he's fucking talking about, but he's got to appear as if he does, right? ''(Malcolm starts pointing at all the reporters.)'' And that is your job and your job. ''(He continues pointing.)'' And yours and yours and yours and yours and yours and yours and yours and yours and yours. With all due respect of ministers, give them the lines. Right? :'''Robyn:''' Give them all the lines to say? :''(Malcolm introduces the other reporters to Robyn.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' This is the delightful Robyn. She's just with us today. She's standing in for, eh, Terri Coverley at the Department of, uh, Social Affairs. So let's be gentle with her, please. No remarks about the Department of Stuffed Anuses, or the Department of Stupid Announcements, or the Department of Sod All. ''(Laughter emanates from the room.)'' Right, next. :'''Robyn:''' Reshuffle? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Robyn, smiling)'' Yes, there is, uh, a pending reshuffle, I can see we're not gonna get anything past you! "There was a young girl from DOSA, who helped herself to a samosa." ''(Malcolm jokingly makes a karate chop.)'' Argh! Next time I'll come up with something. Just a bit of fun. Um...Yes, the reshuffle. No, yes, well, definitely, we-we don't know anything. ''I'' don't know anything. So, um, we can't say anything. But you know, even if we did, we wouldn't. But we don't, so we both can't and won't. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' ''(asked for a line about Julius Nicholson at his 8.30 meeting)'' 'Julius Nicholson is a hugely respected adviser. He now has a wide-ranging brief, and his blue-sky vision and helicopter thinking will enable this Government to go, in his own phrase, "beyond delivery, and beyond that".' That's the line, OK? And if he does stick his baldy head round your door and comes up with some stupid idea about 'policemen's helmets should be yellow', or 'let's set up a department to count the moon', just treat him like someone with Alzheimer's disease, you know? Just say to him, "Oh, yeah, that's lovely, that's good. We must talk about that later." OK? <hr width="50%"/> :''(Hugh is now at Malcolm's office at Number 10. Hugh wants to talk to Malcolm about the impending reshuffle.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(on his mobile)'' In no way, shape or form is it gonna have any ''(knock at door)'' – Come the fuck in, or fuck the fuck off. :'''Hugh:''' ''(entering)'' Well I'll come the fuck in then. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(back on his mobile)'' It's just something that Nicholson's flown, you know. It's a kind of brain exercise, like "What would it be like if men had tits?", you know? [[wikipedia:Mark_Mardell|Mark Mardell]], yeah, ''(laughs)'' that's pretty good, actually. All right, then. See you, then. ''(hangs up)'' Hugh? :'''Hugh:''' I thought you would want to know as soon as possible. :'''Malcolm:''' What? :'''Hugh:''' Terri's dad. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah? :'''Hugh:''' No news at the moment. :'''Malcolm:''' Right, so you've come to talk about the reshuffle, yeah? :'''Hugh:''' Yeah, I have. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah? :'''Hugh:''' In terms of shuffley stuff, how is Neil? I mean, is his heart... :'''Malcolm:''' Have you not heard? :'''Hugh:''' No. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(sighing heavily)'' He's paralysed. :'''Hugh:''' Oh no. :'''Malcolm:''' Neil's on wheels. :'''Hugh:''' You're kidding. :'''Malcolm:''' He's a vegetable. :'''Hugh:''' Oh my God. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. :''(A lengthy silence follows...and then...)'' :'''Malcolm:''' That means you could have his department. :'''Hugh:''' Oh, you are kidding. Well, fuck you very much. :'''Malcolm:''' Well, I know that you're looking for mouth-to-mouth in the reshuffle, but I don't know anything about it. I mean, the PM is still working it out on the back of a Coldplay CD as we speak. :''(It's time to meet Julius Nicholson, the Advisor to the Prime Minister. Julius is now entering Malcolm's office.)'' :'''Julius Nicholson:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Are you in, sir? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Julius)'' Oh! Mr. Julius Nicholson. :'''Hugh:''' ''(shaking Julius's hand)'' Hello, nice to see you again. :''(Hugh lets Julius have his seat, and Malcolm and Julius start up a conversation.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Julius)'' What proposals have you got for us today? How about a ban on sand castles? :'''Julius:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' I just wanted to find out if you're coming to my FSG briefing this afternoon. :'''Malcolm:''' FSG briefing? :'''Julius:''' Forward Strategy Group, Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' Well, you know, Julius, I think I'm just gonna have to send one of the -- I'll send one of the boys. I have got so much work to do here, what with this, uh, the MOD... :'''Julius:''' As the minister said to the prince, don't be surprised if we abolish you. I'll leave it with you. :''(Julius gets up and leave the office. Malcolm and Hugh resume their conversation.)'' :'''Hugh:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' That was a bit, um...Are you all right? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(annoyed)'' I'm fucking all right. I can fucking look after myself. :'''Hugh:''' Under the spotlight now, aren't you? :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well, ''you'' should just watch your own back, what with the missus dripping poison into the big guy's ear about you. :'''Hugh:''' Missus? What missus? :'''Malcolm:''' The Prime Minister's missus. Oh, what? You don't know? She doesn't like the cut of your jib, son. :'''Hugh:''' She doesn't -- She's hardly ''seen'' my jib. I just had a conversation with her at the New Year's party, that's all. ''(beat)'' Why doesn't she like me? I mean, what's not to like? :'''Malcolm:''' I mean, you just didn't click. :'''Hugh:''' ''(exasperated)'' We couldn't click! We were talking about the fucking Euro! How are you supposed to click over the Euro? It's fucking impossible. :'''Malcolm:''' Don't take it so personally. :'''Hugh:''' You're telling me she doesn't like me as a person! How else am I supposed to take it? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ollie:''' Robyn, can you send these back to archives, 'cause they're not even highlighted, I'm not going to plough through all that myself. While you're talking to them, I need the last four months of the European Digest. I'm going to be moving – :'''Robyn:''' Is it 'cause you fancy me, is that what this is all about? :'''Ollie:''' Sorry? :'''Robyn:''' Why are you so bloody rude to me? I mean, that's got to be the reason. Other people, when they come in here, they knock on the door and they say "hello", "good morning", "thank you" and "nice top" sometimes. :'''Ollie:''' Right, um, well, no. I mean, for a start, I don't fancy you. I don't know where you got that in your head, but it's probably best to get it out. If I'm slightly polite to you on a semi-regular basis, will that in any way bypass it? :'''Robyn:''' I think that would definitely do it. :'''Ollie:''' Right, fantastic. Well, thank you very much for the work you do; hi, by the way, how are you? :'''Robyn:''' I'm really well, actually. :'''Ollie:''' Great, that's great; you look lovely; can I have the fucking Digest, please? That would be terrific. :'''Robyn:''' All you had to do was ask me. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, well, all I did do is ask. ''(Robyn bends down to get something)'' Phwoar! ''(She gets up and stares at Ollie)'' It was a joke. <hr width="50%"/>'' :''(Hugh and Ollie are discussing the latest Cabinet meeting.)'' :'''Hugh:''' I did mention your great quiet carriages thing and he just – ''(pulls a slightly disgusted face)'' :'''Ollie:''' Well what does that mean? :'''Hugh:''' Fuck knows what it means, but I don't think it means, "Oh, Hugh, you're fantastic. Here, become Home Secretary". And even if it did mean that, when he's in bed tonight with Mrs PM, flossing, then she'll say, "What do you mean, Hugh Abbot as Home Secretary? The man is a social spastic and very probably a registered nonce, darling." <hr width="50%"/> :''(This scene starts with Malcolm on his desk phone in his office.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(on the phone)'' This is just another example of thinking out of the box by someone who's clearly out of his fucking tree. :''(Someone's knocking on Malcolm's door -- and that someone is Julius Nicholson. Again.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(on the phone)'' Alright, I've got to go. I'll talk to you later. :'''Julius:''' ''(entering the office)'' Ah, Malcolm Tucker! :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Julius)'' Julius Nicholson! What can I do you for? :''(Both men sit down in their chairs for a chat.)'' :'''Julius:''' I am keen to have a chat with, um, Keith Percival. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. Uh, that won't be possible. :'''Julius:''' And I need to read the O'Rourke papers. :'''Malcolm:''' I'm afraid not. Anything else? :''(Uh-oh...this is gonna be a long, uncomfortable conversation.)'' :'''Julius:''' Look, Malcolm, you and I both know full well that my power and authority flows directly from the PM. If you've got a problem... :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well, Keith is so busy with real governmental work that he doesn't have time to discuss with you your ideas and theories. The O'Rourke papers are not relevant to anything that we can actually action at this moment. :'''Julius:''' That's slightly funny, because when I played tennis with the PM -- which I do as I'm sure you know, every Sunday -- he was saying just how much he was looking forward to seeing that paper. :'''Malcolm:''' He does think that your theories are interesting. He tells me that, because, you know, I see him every day. I also see him on a Sunday when I get together with his family and I make the fucking waffles. ''BUT'' -- I cannot allow you to come in here and interfere with the actual process of government. :'''Julius:''' Malcolm, that is my -- that is my ''JOB!'' That's my job! :'''Malcolm:''' Well, you're doing it very fucking well. :'''Julius:''' Malcolm, I'm sorry. There are gonna be big changes around here. Get used to it. We'll announce all this at the reshuffle. :'''Malcolm:''' With all due respect, Julius, the reshuffle is the business of the PM and the PM alone, which means that that is my business. It is my remit. :'''Julius:''' No, Malcolm. Historically, yes. But now it's part of my remit. :'''Malcolm:''' Right. OK, I'll tell you what we should do. ''(getting up)'' Why don't we just get our remits out, slap them on the table, and see who's got the biggest fucking remit? :'''Julius:''' ''(standing up)'' Mal-Mal -- Malcolm, Malcolm, we need to talk about accommodation, we need to talk about access... :'''Malcolm:''' Accommodation? Why am I talking about accommodation? :'''Julius:''' It's a 21-man department. We can't fit upstairs. This is ideal. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(confused)'' 21 men in here? :'''Julius:''' Not just in here, no. This office here will be perfectly usable, for not only myself... :'''Malcolm:''' That's not an office. :'''Julius:''' Yes, it is an office. :'''Malcolm:''' It's a pantry. :'''Julius:''' Well, whatever it is, we will refit this out as a working office... :'''Malcolm:''' ''(opening the pantry door)'' Julius, it's a fucking pantry. Look. :'''Julius:''' So what? What we'll do is we will kick through this -- Bang, straight into the PM's private study. ''(Julius shuts the pantry door.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(talking while eating something)'' What are people gonna say -- when they come in and they say, "Where is Julius Nicholson?" :'''Julius:''' I'm here. :'''Malcolm:''' He's in the pantry! :'''Julius:''' ''(knocking on the pantry door)'' Here I am. :'''Malcolm:''' You know what they're gonna do? They're gonna ridicule you. :''(Malcolm and Julius are talking over each other, and then Malcolm cracks wise...)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''Where's the bankrupt in the cupboard?'' :'''Julius:''' Why are you behaving like a complete and utter prick? :'''Malcolm:''' I'm supposed to polish you up, burnish you up. Yeah, and when you get your big break and you're on fucking ''Call My Bluff'' or whatever it is, I'm supposed to... :''(Malcolm sees Julius heading for the door to leave the office.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Come back in here! Oi! Come back in here! JULIUS! Get the fuck back in here! :''(Julius reluctantly comes back in Malcolm's office, and Julius tries to lecture Malcolm while he's talking.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Please! Please! Come back. Let's be civilised. Let's-let's be civilised about it. Let's be civilised, come on. Let's be -- there ''are'' human resources, let's be civilised about it. Go over to your fucking pantry, right. :'''Julius:''' This is a perfectly usable office space... :'''Malcolm:''' ''(shutting the pantry door)'' Cool it for one minute, okay? Cool it. And just fucking cool it, shut up and fucking listen to me. This is an old fucking Georgian door. Do you know how long this has been here? :'''Julius:''' No I don't. :'''Malcolm:''' Since the time of Elizabeth I, at least. Now look at that. :''(Julius laughs in utter disbelief.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' That does not open. Look at it. Look at it. Try opening it. Come on. Surely, this is the kind of stuff you like. Character building, team building. Put your hand over mine. Try to open the door. Come on, Julius. It's my fucking pantry. :''(Malcolm and Julius are still talking over each other endlessly...)'' :'''Julius:''' It's not your pantry. It's my fucking pantry. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Discussing Julius Nicholson)'' :'''Hugh''': Can't we just kill him, shoot him? :'''Ollie''': What about we just fire him at a wall from a cannon. Just a wall two feet away. :'''Glenn''': I know, we force feed him with a mixture of garlic and Dettol in Cup-a-Soup. :'''Hugh''': What about the old red-hot poker up the arse? Edward II? :''(Julius walks in)'' :'''Ollie''': I'd like to nail him to a tree through the head and watch lice slowly crawl over his body, eating off the flesh in a slow and painful death, ''(having already noticed Julius)'' but that rather bitter anomaly aside, most of the responses to the Warwick report press cuttings were pretty positive. :<hr width="50%" />'''Hugh''' ''(to Ollie)'': I ''am'' desperate, but I don't really want to ''look'' desperate, like Glenn. :'''Glenn''' ''(entering)'': Oh, God, here we go again. Yeah, like Glenn, what? :'''Hugh:''' Well, I was just saying, the last time you saw a snatch was... :'''Ollie:''' ''[[wikipedia:Basic_Instinct|Basic Instinct]]''. :'''Hugh:''' You see, that's good. That's the kind of repartee I need with the PM's wife. It's that final k-tsssss! you see, that's the bit I'm missing. :'''Glenn:''' Yeah, well, I think you could drop the snatch material with the PM's wife, don't you? :'''Hugh:''' Well, OK, between the snatch and the Euro there's some sort of happy medium.<hr width="50%" />'''Malcolm''' ''(on the phone)'': He is not getting anywhere near my fucking pantry, I tell you that. That door is staying as open as a fat whore's bonehole.<hr width="50%" />'''Hugh:''' Sorry I'm late, traffic was an absolute bitch. No offence, Robyn. :<hr width="50%"/> '''Julius:''' It's Paul Webster, US Economics Secretary of State. He's unexpectedly coming over, and the Treasury are hosting a bash for him this evening. Don't tell me you've not been invited. :'''Hugh:''' Yes, no, I have. It's just that I'm actually bashing myself tonight. :'''Julius:''' So you – you've got your own bash here? :'''Hugh:''' Uh yeah. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah. :'''Julius:''' Ah! Back up, everybody, put the brakes on! We've got a bash happening here tonight and at the Treasury? :'''Hugh:''' Yeah. It sounds complicated but I like to, um, maximise my face. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hugh''': ''(telling a joke at his party)'' And Julius, Julius Nicholson, says, ”I'm sorry but I think you'll find you're sitting in my seat.” :''(No one laughs)'' :'''Hugh''': And this was to God, as I mentioned in the setup. Anyway, have a lovely time. ''(to Ollie, whispering)'' A fiver if you set off the sprinklers. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hugh:''' Why didn't you tell me, Glenn? What possible reason did you have? You saw me, I was swinging like a colostomy bag! :'''Glenn:''' Oh, Hugh, grow up! Stuff happens in this department every day, I can't tell you everything! :'''Hugh:''' Since when, Glenn, since when does the Secretary of State for Social Affairs have to find out ''from the fucking press'' that every morning at 8:30 I'm being fisted up to the gallbladder by a bald man? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' Right, guys, thanks very much for staying on. Julius Nicholson, right? :'''Glenn:''' Yep. :'''Malcolm:''' Blue sky thinker? Ex-business guru? Dog rapist? :'''Hugh:''' Quite possibly. :'''Malcolm:''' He's being a nuisance to me; he also has got plans to squeeze ''your'' department so hard you'll be lucky if you're left with one bollock between the three of you. So all I am doing here is asking you, formally, if you will join me in a little bit of a circle jerk. :'''Hugh:''' Circle jerk? What? :'''Ollie:''' It's when a lot of guys in a circle all, you know. ''(to Malcolm)'' Well, I assume you don't mean literally, do you? Presumably? :<hr width="50%" />'''Glenn:''' ''(on the phone to a journalist)'' Yeah I know it's probably bollocks, but that's what we all thought when Jim was up for Home Secretary, and then the next thing you know, he's given up the Colombian marching powder and taken up the sacraments. :<hr width="50%" />'''Malcolm''' ''(arriving at his 8.30 meeting)'': Morning, morning, morning! So what's the story in [[wikipedia:Balamory|Bala-fucking-mory]]? :'''A press officer:''' Reshuffle! :'''Malcolm:''' Excellent! You win a year's supply of condoms, which in your case is four.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Malcolm:''' So how was Cabinet this morning? :'''Hugh:''' It was good. Obviously, with reshuffle coming up, everybody's desperate to impress. Clare went round the room on a unicycle juggling burning kittens, but er – She didn't really, but what she did do was pretty embarrassing. :'''Malcolm:''' OK. :'''Hugh:''' And in terms of shuffle-y stuff, Carol ended up in Neil's seat. What do you think ''that'' means? :'''Malcolm:''' Well, I think that means that Carol wants to be nearer the biscuits, just in case her blood sugar level drops. That woman, she's unbelievable. I have seen her go into second reading debates with Pringles! Her star is somewhat on the wane, I think she's going a bit downward, actually, [[wikipedia:Secretary_of_State_for_Constitutional_Affairs|Constitutional Affairs]]. :'''Hugh:''' Ooh, that's gonna hurt, Constitutional Affairs, that's the [[wikipedia:Geri_Halliwell|Ginger Spice]] of the – :'''Malcolm:''' Of the what, Hugh? Of the what? :'''Hugh:''' Of the Gov– the whole – :'''Malcolm:''' Ginger Spice. Jesus Christ, what – what fucking century are you living in? :'''Hugh:''' There was a fantastic feature about Ginger in the ''[[wikipedia:Heat_(magazine)|Heat]]'' magazine. Apparently she shaves downstairs and she's working for UNICEF or some sort of – :'''Malcolm:''' Hugh, you are talking absolute fucking drivel.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Hugh:''' It looked like Fatty was the one who was on his way out, but now it could just as likely be me. :'''Ollie:''' Well look, Hugh, if you're worried about Fatty we can always start gently briefing against him, I know it's late in the day and, you know, obviously it's not the first thing that we want to be doing – :'''Hugh:''' Yeah, 'Abbot says Fatty's a twat'. Does that make Fatty look like a twat? I think it makes me look like a twat for calling him a twat. :'''Ollie:''' Mm – it doesn't have to be you directly, does it? That's the point. :'''Hugh:''' Robyn? Come on, it's like giving a child a firework. :'''Ollie:''' Well, not Robyn. :'''Hugh:''' Actually that's where your bit of skirt – sorry, whatever the modern – your ho, your ho could actually be quite helpful. If you were just to leave some compromising bits of anti-Fatty documents, you know, just lying by the loo – :'''Ollie:''' Whoa, whoa. Just blatantly using Emma, I'm really not comfortable with that. :'''Hugh:''' Can I remind you, in the last 12 hours you've described her as being 'as mad as a jackdaw on crack', 'castratingly right-wing zealot', and also 'disappointingly below par in the blowjob department', so why the sudden outbreak of principle?<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Glenn:''' Are you still in the frame for ''[[wikipedia:Question_Time_(TV_series)|Question Time]]''? :'''Hugh:''' I am, but I think they're gonna go for Fatty to take advantage of the widescreen option. ''(Ollie laughs.)'' Any, erm – Are there any shuffle-y rumours? :'''Glenn:''' Yeah, yeah. Rob thinks Gerry's got the Foreign Office. :'''Ollie:''' The thing about this, moving offices, just from one place to another, completely different, it's just fucked as a system, isn't it? Because if you – it wouldn't happen in any other job – if you were, you know, Professor of Medieval English in Oxford and you were sitting in your study and somebody came through the door and went, 'Hey, guess what? You're now, er, Professor of Zoology, we want you in the other [[wikipedia:Quadrangle_(architecture)|quad]]', you know, that would be mental, you'd be sitting in a room like a stuffed tit just saying to people, 'How many Os in Zoology? I don't really know, this isn't really my field', and all of that information that you've built up over years and years about [[Geoffrey Chaucer|Chaucer]] or whatever is of absolutely no use to you any more because Chaucer didn't really write about baboons. :'''Hugh:''' Ollie, these are very undergraduate concerns; my point is you don't have to be an expert to make decisions. :'''Glenn:''' That's why you have advisors, you twat. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, I am being serious, Glenn. :'''Glenn:''' Yes, so am I, you are a twat. :'''Hugh:''' I mean, the point is, a lot of knowledge is a dangerous thing. :''(Hugh's office phone rings; Glenn answers it)'' :'''Ollie:''' It's 'a little knowledge is a dangerous thing'. :'''Hugh:''' Well exactly, so a lot of knowledge is ''incredibly'' dangerous. ==Series 2, Episode 3== :''(A few moments ago, Hugh said that he does not want to close down schools for kids with special needs. He is now in his office discussing the Special Needs Bill with Glenn.)'' :'''Hugh:''' Glenn, the Special Needs Bill. With your, you know, particular interest, I can't do this. :'''Glenn:''' You know my views, you know. Inclusion is an illusion. It doesn't work. :'''Hugh:''' But you-you don't mind if I -- if I go ahead with it? :'''Glenn:''' Of course not. You know, look...you're only following orders. :'''Hugh:''' Oh, thanks. So you won't make me feel bad except by comparing me to a concentration camp guard? :'''Glenn:''' No. Right. Yeah. :'''Hugh:''' Now, tomorrow. Select Committee, that's Ballantine, isn't it? :''(But before Hugh and Glenn can continue discussing the Special Needs Bill, Ollie barges in and interrupts.)'' :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Hugh and Glenn)'' Sorry, I'm sorry to interrupt. Who wants to go and watch Bollockvision? :'''Hugh:''' Bollockvision? :'''Ollie:''' Mr. Malcolm Tucker, turning it all the way up to eleven, down in the lobby. Come and have a look. :''(They all go out onto the balcony. On the other side of the atrium, on their floor, Malcolm is shouting at another Minister.)'' :'''Hugh:''' Oh, poor Keith. Malcolm must fucking love this place: Four ministers in one building. It's his dream, a one-stop bollock-shop. :'''Glenn:''' Trouble is, we're gonna be getting some of that in about an hour. :'''Hugh:''' Yeah. I don't know which is worse, watching him slowly rumble towards you like prostate cancer, or him appearing suddenly out of nowhere like a severe stroke. :''(Terri, whose father died after a stroke, turns towards Hugh.)'' :'''Hugh:''' Oh. How's your sister coping? <hr width="50%"/> :''(The Department of Social Affairs has been renamed "The Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship" -- DoSAC for short.)'' :'''Glenn:''' So, Hugh, this -- this new word, 'Citizenship.' Did the PM actually outline what it entails? :'''Hugh:''' Well, to be honest, I think he was making the reshuffle up as he-as he went along, and I think we were very lucky that 'Citizenship' was the first word that sprang to mind. Otherwise we could be the Department for Social Affairs and Woodland Folk. :'''Ollie:''' See, the problem is, though, Hugh, that there's been a bit of a rush with you not in place. Uh, you know, every department trying to unload all the stuff that they didn't want. But it's been like somebody driving a lorry down Whitehall, shouting "Bring out your shit." And they have and it's ended up at our door. :'''Hugh:''' So what are we getting? :'''Ollie:''' Citizenship basically involves, uh, cutting pensions to the Ghurkhas, rejigging the protocols for a rabies outbreak, some crap from Health about long-term care for the elderly that neither they nor we have any real idea about. :'''Glenn:''' And what to do with the Isle of Man. :'''Hugh:''' ''(annoyed)'' Just what I fucking need. Five new ways to lose my job. :''(Hugh then starts eyeing a plant that he's just noticed is right next to his desk.)'' :'''Hugh:''' Where did that come from? :'''Ollie:''' Oh, Malcolm sent that. :'''Hugh:''' It's far too big. Why-why did he send it? :'''Ollie:''' Uh, office warming present. :'''Hugh:''' So why did he send us a present? :'''Ollie:''' I don't know. :'''Hugh:''' Has Security checked this? :'''Ollie:''' What for? Tiny little terrorists? :'''Hugh:''' Yes. :'''Ollie:''' ''(annoyed)'' It's a plant! Yes?! :'''Hugh:''' ''(moving on)'' Okay, so...citizenshit. What we need to do is knock together some nice, touchy-feely, fondley, sneaky, hand-in-the-bra sort of policies. :'''Glenn:''' New bicycles for special constables, that sort of thing? :'''Hugh:''' Yeah. :'''Ollie:''' Making special needs kids clean up graffiti? :'''Hugh:''' ''(displeased)'' Yeah, that's just very mean. :'''Ollie:''' Well, yes. Not, of course, as mean as making them spell "graffiti." That genuinely is very mean. :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh, calmly but not happily)'' I'll go and have a word with Malcolm. :'''Ollie:''' Okay. :''(After Glenn leaves the office, Hugh tries to reprimand Ollie for making a joke about special needs kids.)'' :'''Hugh:''' You just took a shit with your clothes on, Ollie. :'''Ollie:''' Why? :'''Hugh:''' Glenn's boy, Peter. He went to a special needs school. :'''Ollie:''' Oh. :'''Hugh:''' Yep. :'''Ollie:''' ...Glenn's had sex? :'''Hugh:''' God, you're such a prick, Ollie. :'''Ollie:''' It's just a joke! :'''Hugh:''' There's more to life, you know, than drinks parties at the Foreign Office and having [[wikipedia:Nick_Robinson_(journalist)|Nick Robinson]]'s mobile number on your fucking BlackBerry! :'''Ollie:''' Yes. All right, all right, fine. Sorry, Hugh. I feel for the guy. I had a girlfriend with special needs once, so I know. ''(smiles smugly)'' Luckily, I was able to fulfill them. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm joins Glenn and Hugh in the office.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' So did you enjoy the show? :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Malcolm, jokingly)'' You were magnificent, darling. :'''Hugh:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Yeah, should I phone Keith so that I can get his team to watch you bollock me now? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Hugh)'' No no no no. Have I got my bollocking face on? :'''Hugh:''' Well... :'''Malcolm:''' No. This is my bollocking face? :''(Malcolm shows Hugh his infamous "bollocking stare.")'' :'''Hugh:''' Oh, crikey, yes. Thanks for the pot plant, by the way. :'''Malcolm:''' Did I send that? :'''Hugh:''' As an office warming present. :'''Malcolm:''' Christ, she's a ''great'' P.A., isn't she, Sam? :'''Hugh:''' Yeah. :'''Malcolm:''' She always remembers the little people. ''(looking at the plant)'' Look at the size of that. Fuck, you could fucking crucify somebody on that. ''(back to Glenn and Hugh)'' So what do you think of the new building, eh? :'''Hugh:''' Yeah, I can't wait to move upstairs, actually, because I don't really like the glass walls on-on, on this floor. I just feel a bit exposed. :'''Glenn:''' Like a whore in a Reeperbahn window. :'''Terri:''' ''(on the phone, calling out to Glenn)'' Glenn, it's Ollie. He wants you to go through and clarify the Citizenship brief. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Terri)'' How much, love? :'''Terri:''' Sorry? :'''Glenn:''' Okay, I'm on it. :'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' I'll catch you later. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Hugh, smiling)'' I like your tan, by the way. :'''Hugh:''' Thank you. :'''Malcolm:''' Have you declared it? Staying at the villa of an influential friend? :'''Hugh:''' I-I haven't got any influential friends, Malcolm. You are my only influential friend. :'''Malcolm:''' Oh yeah. And I'm not really your friend. :'''Hugh:''' You're not really my friend. :'''Malcolm:''' So this, uh, Super Schools Bill... :'''Hugh:''' Yep. :'''Malcolm:''' You don't think it's so super, do you? :''(Malcolm gives Hugh the "bollocking stare." Again.)'' :'''Hugh:''' You're doing it now. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(unflinching)'' What? :'''Hugh:''' That's your bollocking face. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm and Hugh are now discussing -- or is it arguing over? -- the Super Schools Bill.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' You know, it's great that you get all misty-eyed over Glenn's kid. But no one's trying to fuck over special needs kids. :'''Hugh:''' R-Really? Really? Before I went away, I consulted an expert, Mark-Mark Ryan, and he... :'''Malcolm:''' The LSE education guy? And what did that sandal-wearing nonce have to say? :'''Hugh:''' What he said was that closing down special needs schools and putting needy kids into mainstream education is a lousy idea! :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, but I've got an expert who will ''deny'' that. :'''Hugh:''' And SEN parents want the special schools kept open. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well, my-my expert would totally oppose that. :'''Hugh:''' Who is your expert? :'''Malcolm:''' I have no idea, but I can get one by this afternoon. You see, the thing is you have spoken to the wrong expert. You've got to ask the right expert. And you've got to know what an expert's going to advise you before he advises you. Hugh, whether you like this or not, you are gonna have to promote this bill. So what I'm gonna do is -- I'm gonna get you another expert, yeah? :'''Hugh:''' ''(reluctantly)'' OK. <hr width="50%"/> :''(And so, on Malcolm's say-so, Hugh and Glenn are now meeting with Mr. Roy Smedley, a special needs children expert, to discuss the inclusion of special needs kids in mainstream schools.)'' :'''Hugh:''' But surely, Mr. Smedley, inclusion has been shown to fail the most vulnerable SEN children. :'''Roy Smedley:''' When inclusion's done badly, yes. Yes, uh, you're gonna get bad results. I mean, that's a given. :'''Glenn:''' ''(wearily)'' Inclusion is an illusion. :'''Hugh:''' Mark-Mark Ryan from the LSE was saying that when the special schools do get it right, that the parents of SEN children absolutely fucking flock to... :'''Roy Smedley:''' You spoke to Mark Ryan? :'''Hugh:''' Yeah, well, some expert advice, so... :'''Roy Smedley:''' ''(mockingly)'' OK. Expert advice from Mark Ryan? :'''Hugh:''' Yeah. You have a problem with Mark Ryan? :'''Roy Smedley:''' In educational circles, he's-he's a bit of a joke. That's another given. :'''Hugh:''' Is it? :''(Suddenly, Hugh's computer beeps with an e-mail alert.)'' :'''Glenn:''' ''(responding to the alert)'' Ah, sorry. It's just that I'm expecting, uh, something quite important. :'''Hugh:''' Is our-Is our e-mail up and running? :'''Glenn:''' No. No, no, this is my hotmail. :'''Hugh:''' ''(to Roy Smedley)'' Can you-Sorry, can you excuse me just, um... :''(Roy doesn't mind Hugh being a moment. BUT...Hugh sneaks over to Terri's desk computer since she's not at her desk. Hugh then sends an e-mail to Glenn...or at least who he thinks is HIS pal, Glenn Cullen. The e-mail says "Christ Alive! What a cunt !!!" While Hugh does this despicable thing, Roy continues talking to Glenn.)'' :'''Roy Smedley:''' ''(to Glenn)'' We live in an inclusive society, am I right? I mean, we-we all rub shoulders together, Mr. Cullen? :'''Glenn:''' Indeed. :'''Roy Smedley:''' So let's not let the Mark Ryans of this world create... :'''Glenn:''' Sorry? :'''Roy Smedley:''' ...apartheid for children. The alternative is to isolate these kids in ghetto schools. :'''Glenn:''' The minister won't be a moment. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Robyn, Ollie and Terri are looking at the atrium of the new building from their floor.)'' :'''Ollie:''' Good spot for a suicide, this, I would think: good long drop, appreciative audience. :'''Robyn:''' What if you just broke your back? You know, you'd be paralysed for life and then you'd still be depressed about the thing that was depressing you in the first place. :'''Terri:''' What are these, um, hangy-down things? :'''Ollie:''' Oh, they're [[wikipedia:Sound_baffle#Interior_sound_baffle_design|acoustic baffles]], they stop it getting too echoey in here. :'''Robyn:''' So when you're breaking your back, nobody can hear you screaming? :'''Ollie:''' Well, that is the kind of attention to detail that you get in a [[wikipedia:Private_finance_initiative|PFI]] building. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(spotting them from the ground floor)'' ''HEY! GET BACK TO WORK, ALL OF YOU!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''(Hugh has privately admitted to Terri that he sent the sweary email from her account.)'' :'''Terri:''' Now Hugh, are you going to do the right thing, are you going to admit to this publicly? :'''Hugh:''' Are you – What? No! Are you mad? I can't do that, that ''mustn't'' happen! ''You've'' got – I ''need'' you, to – :'''Terri:''' What, to lie? :'''Hugh:''' I think it was [[Jacques Derrida|Derrida]] who said there is no such thing as actual ''empirical'' truth, but only – :'''Terri:''' Yeah, ''I'll'' tell you what Derrida said, he said, 'Go fuck your face, Abbot!' :''(Terri tries to storm out of the door, but only belatedly notices the exit switch)'' :'''Hugh:''' You need to mind your language, it just will keep getting you into trouble. :'''Terri:''' ''(finally opening the door)'' I can't even get out the fucking room! ''(storms out)'' <hr width="50%"/> :''(Hugh and Glenn return from their Education Select Committee appearance.)'' :'''Ollie:''' How was that? :'''Hugh:''' I lied to the Select Committee. I lied! Is Tucker in the building? :'''Ollie:''' Malcolm in the Middle. :'''Hugh:''' What? :'''Ollie:''' It's just what they're calling him now, 'cause he can stand in the middle of the atrium and just shout at all the departments. :'''Hugh:''' Well I don't want to see him, not at the moment, I can't take one of his scenes from The Exorcist just now. :'''Glenn:''' Look, I don't think Ballentine's on to anything. :'''Hugh:''' Oh no? No? Well, why did she keep asking, 'Just one expert? Only one? Not two experts? Less than three but not two?' The fucking bitch. :'''Glenn:''' It's her style, look, she's just trying to throw you off balance like a sumo wrestler. :'''Hugh:''' Well it worked: there I was on the floor in a big fucking nappy. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hugh''': Christ Malcolm, how do you appear out of nowhere in a building made entirely out of glass? :'''Malcolm:''' I'm a shape-shifter. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hugh''': It's going to be like sitting on a tea crate, having chicken shit sprayed all over me. <hr width="50%"/> :'''A civil servant:''' I'm sorry, can you stop swearing please? :'''Malcolm:''' I'm really sorry, you won't hear any more swearing from us, YOU MASSIVE, GAY, ''SHITE!!! FUCK OFF!'' ''(to Ollie)'' Right, how are you doing in sorting out whether or not he lied or not, are you OK? :'''Ollie:''' Pretty well, yeah. :'''Malcolm:''' Is that a lie? :'''Ollie:''' Yeah. :'''Malcolm:''' That is not fucking funny, you retard. I'm sorry about that, Glenn. The situation just – <hr width="50%"/> :'''Claire Ballentine:''' Are you lying to me now about not lying to me before? :'''Hugh:''' No, I am not a liar. I categorically did not knowingly not tell the truth, even though unknowingly I might not have done. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hugh:''' I don't know what else can go wrong now. Unless the flexible energy system sets fire to my office and then puts it out by squirting liquefied human shit through the ceiling sprinklers. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm''': Hey, I'm going to have a swear box installed on Monday. :'''Hugh''': What? :'''Malcolm''': Fucking joking, you twat! I'm on turbo. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Terri)'' God, right, okay, well, seein' as you're not used to this, I'll go through it for you, okay? What happens at a press conference is this. A bunch of press people are gonna appear, they've got things called cameras and microphones and mobile phones and hangovers and bad breath. Then you are gonna walk out and you're gonna read from what we call a "prepared statement". In that you will say, "I'm really fucking sorry for sounding like a hairy-arsed docker after twelve pints. I promise that I will never call an 8-year-old girl a cunt again. Can we now just draw a line over this, and fucking move on. Thank you". Everybody goes home and then we wait and we see what happens. The best case is you get to keep your job, although you will forever be known as the Sweary Woman of Whitehall.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Ollie''' ''(on the phone to a man he can see in a glass office)'': Yes, but you can't just dump rabies on us because you don't want it. You're Health, that's your job! You should have rabies. Health should have rabies, right? ''(sees the man mime fellatio)'' Oh right, yeah, fine. OK. So we're gonna have to swallow this one, but if we have to deal with a rabies outbreak we're gonna do it so fucking well, you're gonna be frothing at the mouth – yeah, twice! ''(hangs up)'' You prick!<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Hugh:''' First day back from holiday, tanned, tawdry and cheap. I feel like something out of ''[[wikipedia:Footballers'_Wives|Footballers' Wives]]''. :'''Glenn:''' How do you know about ''Footballers' Wives''? :'''Hugh:''' Ollie told me. They all live in Chelmsford, have names like Madison and Chutney, they're an orange colour and they've got thongs up their cracks. ==The Rise Of The Nutters== :''(In the opening scene of this episode, Ollie Reeder and his girlfriend, Emma Messenger, are walking down the street together in the morning. Ollie and Emma are on opposite sides of the British political spectrum. Nevertheless, the two of them are enjoying some good-natured banter talking about their party leaders.)'' :'''Ollie:''' I'm extremely impressed. I'm highly impressed that you're going to see the leader of your party. :'''Emma Messenger:''' Good. You should be impressed. :'''Ollie:''' Although, ultimately, the leader of your party is just a man, really, isn't he? He's just a guy. :'''Emma:''' Ah, now that's a good point, actually, because yours on the other hand is... :'''Ollie:''' No no no no. Mine is... :'''Emma:''' What? :'''Ollie:''' ...the leader of the country also. What I'm saying is ''if'' we were playing Top Trumps, which we kind of are... :'''Emma:''' Oh, cor, we absolutely are, Ollie. :'''Ollie:''' I win. :'''Emma:''' Right. So it's Ben Swain Day today, is it? :'''Ollie:''' Yes. A Nutter in our midst. A junior minister for me to push around, you know. That's nice, isn't it? A bit more power for me. :'''Emma:''' You are an extremely powerful man, Ollie. :'''Ollie:''' Very powerful, very attractive sexually, due to all this power. :''(As Ollie and Emma get to Government Headquarters, they are met up with Malcolm and Jamie.)'' :'''Jamie:''' Hey, Poxbridge! :'''Malcolm:''' Hello! :'''Jamie:''' Hey, dickhead! Happy New Queer! :'''Malcolm:''' I'm really sorry, but I – don't be so offensive. I do apologise for my friend's behaviour. Did you have a nice Poof-mas? :'''Ollie:''' What are you two, um, doing round Richmond Terrace then? :'''Jamie:''' Oh, we're slumming it. Just going to see Julius, the big baldy ballbag. ''(to Emma)'' You must be, you, what is it? Gemma? Gemma? :'''Emma:''' Emma. It's Emma. :'''Jamie:''' Emma. Hi, Emma. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' What are you doing down here? :'''Ollie:''' I'm babysitting Ben Swain for the day. :'''Malcolm:''' Could you water my spider plants in my office as well? ''(to Emma)'' He's very good with the watering can. Very very bright lad. Homemaker. :''(And with that, Ollie and Emma share a rather awkward goodbye -- WITH NO KISS!)'' :'''Emma:''' I'll see you later. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, see you later. ''(Ollie rushes inside to catch up with Jamie and Malcolm.)'' <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm and Jamie are busting Ollie's chops about his relationship with Emma.)'' :'''Jamie:''' ''(to Ollie)'' So, the girlfriend, she-she doesn't mind the whole, uh, you being gay thing? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Did you take her home for Christmas? :'''Ollie:''' No. God, no. I couldn't do that. :'''Malcolm:''' Oh no, you couldn't do that, 'cause she wouldn't fit in. 'Cause you're that right dyed-in-the-wool working class, aren't you? She's probably allergic to pit ponies. <hr width="50%"/> :''(In this scene, Peter Mannion, the Leader of the Opposition, is having a chat with his adviser, Phil Smith. As they're entering Opposition Headquarters, Peter and Phil are discussing Emma's relationship with Ollie...and Phil just happens to be Emma's roommate.)'' :'''Peter Mannion:''' Are they actually sleeping together? :'''Phil Smith:''' Yes, yeah. In the flat. :'''Peter:''' Do you think she's on top or, what-what do you hear? :'''Phil:''' Well, I hear her say, "How do you like it?" And he'll say, "I've got to page Tucker." :'''Peter:''' Oh, God. ''(beat)'' Have I shaved properly? It's just we're-we're having the bathroom done and I was in the kitchen this morning using the kettle as a mirror. :'''Phil:''' No, you're very smooth. So it's a chrome kettle, then? :'''Peter:''' You've been watching ''[[wikipedia:CSI|CSI]]'' again, haven't you? :''(As Peter and Phil are walking up the stairs, they are joined by Emma, who is also Peter's advisor.)'' :'''Emma:''' Morning. :'''Phil:''' ''(to Emma)'' Oh, hello. How was sleeping with the enemy? :'''Emma:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Oh, hilarious. I forgot how funny you were. :''(The three of them are nearing the office...)'' :'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' What time are you seeing Stewart? :'''Emma:''' It'll be in about half an hour. What about you? :'''Peter:''' ''(groaning)'' Oh, I'll be last in. He's punishing me for standing against JB in the leadership contest by putting me in the [[wikipedia:Ryanair|Ryanair]] queue. :'''Emma:''' Come on, he got you that terrific photo op with the, uh, wind turbine thing on your house, remember? :'''Peter:''' Yes, and it cost me 12 grand. And I have to pay for the electricity bill to keep the bugger turning because, of course, there's no wind in the valley, I have to plug it in. But my next door neighbor has an England flag that just hangs there limply while my turbine mysteriously whizzes around. :'''Phil:''' Could turn the turbine round so it blows his flag. :''(Peter, Emma and Phil finally sit down.)'' :'''Phil:''' Right. What's up first, then, Peter? :'''Emma:''' While we're here, we could bat a few ideas around. :'''Peter:''' He wants something fluffy for the speech, does he? Environment? Tax breaks for aromatherapists? SatNav for asylum seekers? :'''Phil:''' Well, I was thinking about a departmental blog. :'''Peter:''' ''(groaning again)'' Oh, God. Really? :'''Phil:''' I could actually do the..the writing bit of it, because you wouldn't have time. :'''Peter:''' Well, I mean, I might as well, I've knack all else to do. ''(Peter turns to Phil)'' Though, um...to be honest, you-you sort it out. :'''Phil:''' I thought we could have like a guest book so that, kind of, you know, readers can kind of leave their comments. :'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' Are you sure? Have you ever Googled your own name? It's like opening a door to a room where everyone tells you how shit you are. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm, Jamie and Ollie are walking up the stairs to the offices at Government HQ, discussing Ben Swain.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Where's [[wikipedia:My Little Pony|My Little Phony?]] Ben Swain. What's his ''[[wikipedia:Newsnight|Newsnight]]'' angle gonna be, then? :'''Ollie:''' Ben? Ben is going on Newsnight? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(chuckling)'' Oh, you're a right little West Winger, you, aren't you? They're cutting you out of the loop already? :'''Ollie:''' Well, I'll check who the presenter is and obviously... :'''Jamie:''' The presenter is Newsbot 3.2. He's a nobody. He's a fucking scorch mark. :'''Malcolm:''' Paxo's in Kenya fly-fishing with [[wikipedia:Stephen Fry|Stephen Fry]] or whatever the fuck it is he does. Kirsty is sobering up in Kilmarnock with her gran, so she's out of the picture. :'''Ollie:''' Well, I'll just check the lines with Pat Morrissey, then. And then we'll... :'''Jamie:''' Pat Morrissey? :'''Ollie:''' Yeah. :'''Jamie:''' Her? What, Fat Pat? :'''Ollie:''' Yeah. :'''Jamie:''' "Pumpkin Tits?" :'''Ollie:''' Yeah. Pat and, uh, Communications have asked that everything be double-ticked through her from now. ''(to Malcolm)'' I mean, you get a tick as well. Obviously. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Oh well, well obviously! Yes, that's-that's very very nice and that's very fucking big of them! I get a tick! :'''Ollie:''' So I mean, it's, it's two ticks for a, uh, a green light, basically, that's the system. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(beside himself)'' Pat Morrissey. Communications is full of Nutters these days. :'''Jamie:''' Soon as the PM said he'd be gone inside a year, the Nutters start popping up like [[wikipedia:Melanoma|mela-fucking-noma]]. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' See you later. See you in a tick. :'''Jamie:''' ''(to Ollie)'' What about you? You're not a Nutter, are you? :'''Ollie:''' I-I'm not a Nutter, Jamie. I'm...I'm a nipper. :''(Ollie then bumps into Terri.)'' :'''Ollie:''' Hey, Terri! :'''Terri:''' Hi, Ollie, Happy New Year! :'''Ollie:''' How was Christmas? :'''Terri:''' Oh, you know... :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, I know, yeah. Six pairs of socks, three Harry Potter omnibuses. All that "I thought you were taking the giblets out. Don't give Nan any more Baileys. She's only got the one pad with her." ''(Ollie follows Terri into an office.)'' Every bloody year. :'''Terri:''' Yeah, well, you know, just me and Mum in the care home. :'''Ollie:''' Right. Jesus...So, eh, Ben on ''Newsnight?'' :'''Terri:''' Ben Swain's going on ''Newsnight?'' :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, yeah. Oh, God, thank God you didn't know, either. I thought it was just me. :'''Terri:''' Oh no no no. I did know about that, actually. :'''Ollie:''' Well, why did you say it like that, then? "Ben Swain's going on ''Newsnight?''" :'''Terri:''' You're just out of the loop. I'm very well wired into the Tommists. :'''Ollie:''' ''(laughing)'' Nobody calls them Tommists. They're Nutters, Terri. Nobody calls them Tommists. :'''Terri:''' ''(dead serious)'' I don't like that word. My sister works in mental health. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Ben Swain, the Junior Minister that Ollie is "babysitting," arrives at the office.)'' :'''Ben Swain:''' Morning, all! :'''Terri:''' Benjamin! Happy New Year! :'''Ollie:''' Ben! Big Ben, Ben-Benji, Beno, Benj. :'''Ben:''' Happy New Year to you as well. :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ben)'' These are the briefing notes. :'''Ben:''' Ah, splendid. I'll file these directly in the shredder. Thank you, Glenn. :''(Ben, Glenn and Ollie enter an office.)'' :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ben)'' If you just, uh, stick to what's in there, you'll be all right. Just remember, you're the night watchman, all right? :'''Ben:''' Yes, well, I like to think of myself as more, perhaps, I don't know, an elected MP than a night watchman, Glenn. But thank you very much for everything, I'll be fine without you holding my hand. You enjoy your weekend cottaging in Wales or whatever it is you're up to. :''(Ollie picks up a copy of Ben's upcoming book, which is called, "It's the Everything, Stupid: How to Get Ahead in Modern Politics.")'' :'''Ollie:''' ''(impressed)'' This is looking good. When is it coming out? :'''Ben:''' End of the, end of the week. You'll be able to make the launch party? :'''Terri:''' ''(to Ben)'' Great title. :'''Ben:''' Thank you. :'''Ollie:''' And have you written it yourself or was it ghosted by, uh... :'''Ben:''' By [[wikipedia:Victoria Beckham|Victoria Beckham]]? No, everything in there is entirely-entirely written by me, I think you'll find. Yes. :'''Ollie:''' There you go, you have hidden talents. :'''Ben:''' Anyone heard from "The Hughster?" :'''Terri:''' Yes, he's suffering from jet lag. :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Ben)'' Have you ever been to Australia? :'''Ben:''' No. Why would I want to go there? Full of people in khaki, squinting. Just the world's largest collection of poisonous things. :'''Ollie:''' Oh, yeah. God, yeah. If you want to stick around with poisonous snakes, you might as well stay here. :''(Awkward silence occurs after Ollie's stupid attempt at a joke.)'' :'''Ollie:''' ''(jokingly)'' Throw a blanket on me, I'm on fire. :'''Ben:''' Heh-heh, good. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Before Glenn heads off to Wales, he gives Ollie some last-minute instructions for babysitting Ben.)'' :'''Glenn:''' Listen, Ollie. We may be babysitting a Nutter. He may look like a Womble, but he's got Nutter eyes and Nutter ears. So, keep an eye on him. :'''Ollie:''' All right, the minute any chicken blood turns up on the paperwork, I'll be straight on to you, don't worry. :'''Glenn:''' Right, I'm off to Wales and the late 1950s. :''(Terri blows Glenn a friendly kiss goodbye.)'' :'''Ollie:''' Happy trails. <hr width="50%"/> :''(As Peter is waiting to meet with Stewart -- still -- he has a conversation with Phil about his upcoming holiday.)'' :'''Peter:''' ''(coughing)'' Oh, I can't get rid of this. :'''Phil:''' I bet you're looking forward to your holiday. :'''Peter:''' Well, yeah. I mean, obviously, I'm not flying abroad anywhere, because... :'''Phil:''' Carbon. :'''Peter:''' No, bathroom. I'm supervising the doing up of my bathroom. :'''Phil:''' ''(looking at two lamps)'' What is that? :'''Peter:''' It's just – :'''Phil:''' Is that raffia? :'''Peter:''' He's discovered IKEA, hasn't he? :'''Phil:''' It's all for show. They want to look modern, like they appeal to the kind of people who go to IKEA. :'''Peter:''' I'm modern! I say 'black' instead of 'coloured', I think women are a good thing, I have no problem with gays. Most of them are very well turned out, especially the men. :'''Phil:''' I know. :'''Peter:''' Why is it, this last year, I'm being made to feel as if I'm always two steps behind, like I can't program the video or convert everything back to [[wikipedia:£sd|old money]]? Because that's not me! :'''Phil:''' ''(confused)'' You've still got a video? :'''Peter:''' I'm a one-nation party. :''(And now, it's time to meet Stewart Pearson, the Director of Communications for the Opposition. Stewart and Emma are sharing a laugh as she's leaving his office. Now, Stewart is ready to see Peter.)'' :'''Stewart Pearson:''' ''(smiling)'' Ah, Peter. Dr. Stewart will see you now, hey? I could hear you coughing in there. Is that your contribution to the meeting? :'''Emma:''' ''(to Peter)'' You all right? :'''Peter:''' Yes, okay. You know, it's just hanging around. :'''Stewart:''' Yeah, I'm sorry to keep you hanging about, but you know, right now all the...all the big priority stuff is the big party stuff. :'''Peter:''' I was talking about the cold hanging around. :'''Stewart:''' Oh, right. ''(Stewart heads back into his office.)'' Thanks very much, Em. :''(As Peter goes into Stewart's office for a chat, Phil asks Emma about her meeting.)'' :'''Phil:''' Was that fun there? :'''Emma:''' Yeah, it was useful. :'''Phil:''' Playing with the big boys? :'''Emma:''' Yeah. Now I'm back with the little boys, huh? :'''Phil:''' No. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Stewart and Peter start their chat.)'' :'''Stewart:''' So. How are you, then? :'''Peter:''' ''(nodding)'' Fine, I'm-I'm fine. :'''Stewart:''' Good, superb, because the reason I've asked you in -- I mean, firstly, just to say, "Hi, how are you?"... :'''Peter:''' Still fine. :'''Stewart:''' Then, this photo call this afternoon, "100 Days of the New Leader." We've got you a Paul Smith suit. I did think about Vivienne Westwood or...Well, it was just too expensive. And, oh, and a Ted Baker... ''(Stewart pulls out a pinkish-looking shirt with stripes on it.)'' Ted Baker shirt, right? No tie, we're thinking open-necked look might be good. :'''Peter:''' But I'm already wearing a suit and, controversially, a tie. :'''Stewart:''' Yeah, absolutely, sure. But frankly, you know, it all looks a bit '80s, you know? [[wikipedia:Robert Palmer|Robert Palmer]], Sink the Belgrano, that kind of vibe. We think this is better, it's modern, it's sharp, it's slimming. Try it on. :'''Peter:''' ''(in amused disbelief)'' Is this a joke? :'''Stewart:''' Try the suit on. :''(Moments later, Stewart makes Peter change into a different suit and shirt.)'' :'''Stewart:''' Just wondering whether you're fully conversant with the new line, whether you're really up to speed? :'''Peter:''' Well, I don't know. Am I? Because, uh, I get people stopping me in the streets and saying, 'Are you still for locking up yobbos?', and I say, 'Yeah, of course we are.' And then I think, 'Well, are we?' Because maybe I missed a memo from you. Maybe I should understand yobbos now, or not even call them yobbos, call them 'young men with issues around stabbing.' ''(awkward silence)'' No tie, you say? :'''Stewart:''' No tie. :'''Peter:''' Quite a nice suit, actually. :'''Stewart:''' So, we were thinking...Shirt outside the trousers. :'''Peter:''' Outside? Not tuck my shirt in? :'''Stewart:''' Yeah. :'''Peter:''' I always tuck my shirt in, it's part of getting dressed. What, should I not do my flies up either? Let the old chap flop out. Is that modern enough for you? :'''Stewart:''' Just try it, Peter. Not the cock out, but just the shirt thing. :'''Peter:''' ''(untucking his shirt)'' I'm from a generation of men, Stewart, who tuck their shirts in. I've done it since I was a boy, I was told off for ''not'' doing it. :'''Stewart:''' Oh God, no, you were right. Sorry, no, tuck it in. You look like you've been startled by a fire alarm. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm and Jamie enter Ben's office. Time to discuss Ben's upcoming appearance as Jeremy Paxman's guest on Newsnight.)'' :'''Jamie:''' Mr. Swain. :'''Ben:''' Jamie. :'''Malcolm:''' Good morning, Ben. :'''Ben:''' Morning, Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to 2 office workers)'' Off you two fuck. :''(The 2 workers leave Ben's office.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Right, Ben, heard the big news about [[wikipedia:Jeremy_Paxman|Paxo]]. :'''Ben:''' Oh right. :'''Malcolm:''' What was it you did in your gap year again? :'''Ben:''' Um, Interrailing, month on a kibbutz – :'''Malcolm:''' Did you ever travel, like, 100 miles per hour, head-first through a tunnel full of pig shit? Because that's what's gonna happen to you tonight with Paxman, ''unless'', unless...you listen to us. :'''Jamie:''' He will eat you up, sick you out and grout his fucking wet room with you. :'''Ben:''' Yeah, I have been interviewed on television before, thank you very much. :'''Malcolm:''' Who? :'''Ben:''' [[wikipedia:George_Alagiah|George Alagiah]]. :'''Jamie:''' Yeah? Do you know what they call him? Easy George. :'''Malcolm:''' This is Paxo. What are you gonna do when he pulls that big rubbery horse-face of mock-incredulity at you? :'''Ben:''' Yes, look, we know the cheat codes for Paxman now, don't we? That old aggressive style of his is just old school. All you need to do, you play the honest, the Honest Joe just trying to humbly get your point across and... :'''Jamie:''' ''(pulling up a chair)'' Let's see you do your stuff, Mr. Television, huh? :''(Jamie is pretending to be Jeremy Paxman on Newsnight, asking Ben questions.)'' :'''Jamie:''' ''(As Paxo)'' Immigration is in disarray. What are ''you'' going to do about it? :'''Ben:''' Well, first of all, I would have to take issue with your contention that immigration is in... :'''Jamie:''' Oh, answer the question, you fat fuck! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Phil and Emma are home in their flat -- discussing Ollie.)'' :'''Phil:''' Why the fuck do you have to keep inviting him round here? :'''Emma:''' Oh, are you a bit jealous? :'''Phil:''' Of [[wikipedia:Gerald_Home|the man]] from the Mr Muscle adverts? No, I just think it's just unreasonable that I have to watch what I'm gonna say in my own flat; I mean, you could at least give me warning if he's coming round or something. :'''Emma:''' I tell you what, I'll put a sex grid on the fridge. :'''Phil:''' Oh, yeah. :'''Emma:''' So that you can have dates and stuff: I'll put an A4 piece of paper for me up, and maybe you could have half a post-it note? You could share it with Affers, maybe. :'''Phil:''' Yeah. Have to write really small, though, I've slept with three women in – :'''Ollie:''' ''(returning from the toilet)'' Your life? :'''Phil:''' Yes. :''(Ollie laughs)''<hr width="50%" /> :''(Ollie, Emma, and Phil are watching Ben Swain's [[wikipedia:Newsnight|Newsnight]] interview together. Malcolm, who is also watching from his office, is on the phone to Jamie, who is watching Ben from inside the studio.)'' :'''Emma:''' What's he doing with his eyes? :'''Ollie:''' Oh my God. He's got a nervous blink. :'''Malcolm:''' That's a mega blink! It's not just ''a'' blink. :'''Ollie:''' He looks like what happens when you punch a cow. ''(impersonates a cow mooing in pain)'' :'''Phil:''' Oh my God, this is like watching a lion rape a sheep, but in a bad way. :'''Jamie:''' The cameramen are laughing. :'''Ollie:''' 'J-j-j-j-just'! :'''Emma:''' Stop him, stop him! :'''Ollie:''' He spelled 'just' with four Js! :'''Malcolm:''' He's like a chicken, he's like an enormous chicken! :'''Phil:''' It's just one word he's been saying, which is basically ''(gibberish)''. :'''Jamie:''' Well, what about the coalface? :'''Malcolm:''' Pull it, puncture his lifebelt. Pull it, give him the signal. If he shits, I'll give you 500 quid.<hr width="50%" /> :''(After Ben Swain's interview)'' :'''Ollie:''' Well he certainly looked like a Nutter. :'''Emma:''' He looked like that little guy on the green that shouts 'You're an Arab' at everyone. :'''Phil:''' It's a tough day tomorrow, picking bits of Ben out of Malcolm's car. :'''Ollie:''' He didn't mention the coalface idea. <hr width="50%" /> :'''Jamie:''' ''(to Ben, in the car back from the studio)'' You don't deserve to ''live!'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Peter:''' How is my blog? My own personal blog, personally written by me? :''(they all go to the computer)'' :'''Phil:''' There we go. :'''Emma:''' Oh, brilliant. :'''Phil:''' Yesterday you liked the leader's speech, it was bold and courageous and sent out the right signals, and you had a fruit lunch. :'''Peter:''' Oh, I write very well. What's the feedback like? :'''Phil:''' Pretty good. Let's see on this page here. Here we go. :'''Peter:''' "I don't trust you, you Cypriot crook." :'''Phil:''' What? :'''Peter:''' Cypriot? This is the shit room. You've opened the shit room door. :'''Emma:''' Oh come on, that's not too bad. :'''Peter:''' "How are the maintenance payments going on your bastard?" Christ, that was twelve years ago! :'''Phil:''' I hadn't seen that one. :'''Peter:''' "Adulterous Nazi"? :'''Phil:''' Or that one. :'''Emma:''' That's actually I think the same one. :'''Peter:''' This is the trouble with the public, they're fucking horrible. :'''Emma:''' Peter, you really – you can't say the public are fucking horrible. :'''Peter:''' Yes I can, I've met them. "You've always got such a pained expression. Do you take it up the chutney?" Really? I mean, for God's sake. :'''Emma:''' The chutney? :'''Peter:''' Yes, it's up the arse. :'''Emma:''' See this: I still don't understand why people do this 'h8' thing. If you're going to leave a message, I mean, at least spell it correctly.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Phil:''' What the fuck was that all about? You know, nicking the other lot's ideas? :'''Emma:''' You jumped straight on the bandwagon, you hypocrite. :'''Phil:''' You started it. You know, at least I'm not nicking my boyfriend's ideas. :'''Emma:''' You sanctimonious twat! Jesus, you're not my dad, Phil, even if you do dress like him. :'''Peter:''' ''(knocking from behind glass)'' What's going on? :'''Phil:''' Swain was supposed to flag up the coalface idea last night but he didn't. So Emma nicked it. :'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' Oh, fuck-tastic. Not only was it a shit idea to ruin my holiday, it was a shit idea you stole from the government to ruin my holiday. Good work. :'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' Thanks a lot, [[wikipedia:Supergrass_(informant)|Supergrass]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm''' ''(seeing Ben Swain arrive)'': Oh, here he is. Dead man walking. :'''Jamie:''' ''(impersonating Ben)'' 'I, I, I wish you wouldn't keep saying that, I, I, I –' ''(normal voice)'' What's your favourite band, [[blink-182]]?<hr width="50%" /> :'''Jamie:''' That's not a proper cigar: a proper cigar is those big Cuban whoppers, that's just a jumped-up fag. :'''Malcolm:''' Talking of [[wikipedia:Fagging|which]] – :'''Ollie''' ''(entering)'': Hi. :'''Jamie and Malcolm:''' Hey! :'''Jamie:''' Is it [[wikipedia:Rag_(student_society)#Rag_Week|Rag Week]]? :'''Malcolm:''' Do you fancy a cigar? I promise I won't tell any of the other prefects. :'''Jamie:''' Hand rolled on the thigh of a Cuban virgin with big tits and four kids. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, thanks. Um, Malcolm, I just wondered if I could have a quick word, actually. The opposition have got the Week at the Coalface idea. They're gonna do it. :'''Jamie:''' Who, when? :'''Ollie:''' Peter Mannion, I don't know when. :'''Malcolm:''' How the fuck did they get that? Your fucking girlfriend, Jesus Christ! :'''Jamie:''' You should have dumped that mad bitch ages ago. :'''Ollie:''' Well I would've done! She is mad, she's a mental woman! But you two kept telling me to go out with her and stay going out with her, just in case I found anything out! :'''Jamie:''' Oh, and what did you find out? That you've been leaking intelligence to them? You're the fucking shittest James Bond ever. You're... you're [[wikipedia:David_Niven|David fucking Niven]]! <hr width="50%" /> :'''Malcolm:''' Get him properly fucking screen-tested. I'm sorry mate, but you need a lot of powder, I've never seen anybody look so fucking ugly with just one head. :'''Ben:''' Yeah. No, I lost my islands of safety, didn't I, which is – :'''Malcolm:''' And who was it that did your media training? [[wikipedia:Moors_murders#Myra_Hindley|Myra Hindley]]? I mean, it was terrible, all this – hands were all over the place. You were like a sweaty octopus trying to unhook a bra! It was like watching John Leslie at work! :'''Ben:''' Yes, I know all of that, and it just kind of fell away. God, it was like one of those dreams when you're wandering around [[wikipedia:Covent_Garden|Covent Garden]] or something in just your vest and everyone's staring at you. :'''Jamie:''' I think it was much worse than that, I mean, how many people see you in Covent Garden, a few thousand? Your meltdown was witnessed by 1.2 million people. That's more people than saw [[wikipedia:Al_Jolson|Al Jolson]] in his entire career. And that's Al fucking Jolson! :'''Malcolm:''' He loves Al Jolson. :'''Jamie:''' The Governor! :'''Ollie:''' '[[wikipedia:My_Mammy|Maaammy]].' :'''Jamie:''' You take the piss out of Jolson again, and I will remove your [[iPod]] from its tiny nano-sheath, and push it up your ''cock!'' And then I'll plug some speakers up your arse, and put it onto shuffle with my fucking fist! And every time I hear something that I don't like, which will be every time that something comes on, I will skip to the next track ''(to Ben)'' by crushing ''your balls!'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' Oh, sorry! Do you know what, maybe you should dump Peter and go out with Ollie. :'''Ollie:''' Well, it wouldn't be any more disastrous than our relationship, would it, hey? :'''Emma:''' Christ, Ollie, well if it's been such a fucking disaster, why didn't you break up with me sooner? :'''Ollie:''' Well, if it had been up to me I would have broken up with you sooner! :'''Emma:''' If it had been up t– Oh, OK – This is Malcolm, isn't it? Malcolm has been pimping you out! You fucking sad little – :'''Phil:''' ''(laughing)'' That's funny. :'''Ollie and Emma:''' Fuck you, Phil! :'''Phil:''' Oh, suddenly ''I'm'' the bad guy again. :'''Ollie:''' Go and read your blog, nerd boy! I'm going. This is the point where I go. :'''Phil:''' Wow. That point actually exists. Incredible. :'''Ollie:''' I will be so ''not'' sorry not ever to have to talk to you again, you massive floppy blonde tit! I hope your blog gets done for libel and you get knobbed in prison by men. And – ''(to Emma)'' it is over, you self-serving, crypto-fascist, horse-loving, posh, weekend-at-Daddy's, vacuous nothing! ''(leaves)'' :'''Emma:''' Fuck you, Ollie, and put your keys on the side! :'''Phil:''' He's got keys? <hr width="50%"/> :''(looking at a newspaper story with the headline "Silly Tucker: Was web of filth spun by Downing Street 'Spiderman'?")'' :'''Malcolm''' ''(on the phone)'': The story isn't me, Glenn, OK? Nobody is interested in me and I'll be pleased if you'd remember that, OK? :'''Glenn''' ''(at his sister's Welsh cottage)'': You sure you don't want me and Hugh to come back? We could give you some cover. :'''Malcolm:''' Hugh is not coming back: it would look like we're panicking, and we're not panicking. But I need ''you'' back here fucking ASAP to let them know that we're not panicking. :'''Glenn:''' So you want me to interrupt ''my'' holiday in a panic, so that Hugh doesn't have to interrupt ''his'' holiday and look like he's panicking? :'''Malcolm:''' You get back here! I wanna see you popping a bollock for me! ''(hangs up)'' :'''Jamie:''' ''(walking in, holding up the same 'Silly Tucker' story)'' You seen this? :'''Malcolm:''' No, I haven't seen that. I'm the senior press guy for the Government of Great Britain and Northern Ireland. No, I don't look at the newspapers, that's fucking news to me. :'''Jamie:''' All right, all right. What are we doing? :'''Malcolm:''' What are we doing? Fuck all, we're not doing nothing, all right, because I am not the story here. :'''Jamie:''' Well, no, you kind of are the story, Malc: they spelt your name right and everything. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' You take this and this, and you put it onto your bird's breasts, and you rub them and squeeze them very very gently, you get her into the sack, you bang her fucking brains out, you make sure that she cums, and you just give her the policy! :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, but I chucked her, and not in a kind of, you know, 'It's not you, it's me' sort of way, more in a 'It ''is'' you, you hideous vacuous [[Sloane Ranger|Sloane]] bitch from hell' kind of scorched-earth kind of – :'''Malcolm:''' I'm really not interested at all in your little tiff. Get round there, take your Barry White album and your lube and your fucking policy folder. :'''Ollie:''' Malcolm, this is really crossing the line here – :'''Malcolm:''' Don't start with the moral objections, you fucking [[wikipedia:Blue_Peter_badge|Blue Peter badge]]-wearing ponce! Go and make a contribution to fucking Amnesty International, go and buy a goat the whole village can fuck! But you are doing this for me. :'''Ollie:''' Malcolm, you're bullying me, and, you know, I don't know why you're bullying me, you're – :'''Malcolm:''' How dare you? How dare you! Don't you ever, ''ever'', call me a bully. I'm so much worse than that. Do it. OK? Wash your hands. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Peter:''' Do I know you? Oh, don't you work for somebody famous? Er, Malcolm [[wikipedia:Hamish_Macbeth|Hamish MacDeath]]? :'''Jamie:''' It's, er, Peter Onion, isn't it? :'''Peter:''' Hah! That's right. :'''Jamie:''' I always forget, were you the forced abortion or the love child? Or the guy who asphyxiated himself with a kiwi? :'''Peter:''' Just the love child: I was the quiet one. :'''Phil:''' Like [[wikipedia:John_Deacon|John Deacon]] in Queen. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Terri''' ''(on her phone)'': Well I might as well call myself on unofficial leave now: nothing will happen for the next three weeks, absolutely zero. I'm gonna book that holiday. Yeah, well, I mean, all they'll be doing, they'll be bobbing about like emperor penguins trying to swap over an egg. <hr width="50%"/> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Jamie:''' Is your department looking at a 10 million overspend? Yes, or no? :'''Ben:''' Well, I don't have the figures to hand, but all I can say is that if there has been an overspend or a perceived overspend within this department, then certainly I think I've – ''(sees Jamie mime fellatio)'' He's not gonna do that, is he? :'''Malcolm:''' Oh yes, he will, and he will do a lot more. Jazz hands, he'll be touching you up under the table, he's got all the tricks. :'''Ben:''' No he won't! Fuck off, Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' You, listen. First things first: you need some interruption lines, yeah? Something that you can throw in. :'''Ben:''' All right: how about, er, 'I will answer the questions in the order you asked them, Jeremy'. :'''Jamie:''' That makes you sound like a smug Oxbridge twat. Oh, I know you are, but ''everyone'' doesn't need to know. <hr width="50%"/> :''(deleted scene)'' :''(while watching Ben Swain on Newsnight)'' :'''Ollie:''' Still, at least Hugh will be pleased. :'''Phil:''' Yeah, he'll be thrilled, I'm sure! His department on the rack, he'll be like, 'Hey, Ollie, thanks for running the department, although it seems to have all turned to shit!' You're like the man with the [[wikipedia:Midas#Golden_Touch|Midas touch]], except instead of everything you touch turning to gold, it turns to shit. You're like the man with the shit touch. Shitfinger. :'''Ollie:''' Shouldn't you be online pretending to be a Hobbit, eh? Trying to get a date with a lady Hobbit, but failing? :'''Phil:''' Shitfinger. <hr width="50%"/> :''(deleted scene)'' :''(seeing Ben Swain arrive)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Oh hey, hello, here he is! The walk of shame. :'''Jamie:''' You never told us you had epilepsy of the eyes. Was that a sweat, or were you crying? :'''Malcolm:''' Have I seen you on the telly? :'''Ben:''' ''(laughs)'' Yeah. [[wikipedia:Blockbusters_(British_game_show)|Blockbuster]], 1991, I got a Gold Run. :'''Malcolm:''' You know what, I have never seen anyone sweat so much in my life. And I've had a sauna with [[Luciano Pavarotti|Pavarotti]]! I know that politicians and hot air are supposed to go together, but I've never actually seen one vapourise! :'''Ben:''' Can I get you two fellows a drink? :'''Malcolm:''' An orange juice, yeah, yes. :'''Ben:''' Jamie? :'''Jamie:''' Oh, I'll have a pint of 'Fuck right off and die, you miserable fucking tosser'. Do they do that in here? :'''Malcolm:''' He's a wee bit disappointed. :'''Jamie:''' We'll get you on [[wikipedia:Newsround|Newsround]] next time. You reflected badly on me, and I don't like that. :'''Ben:''' Oh come on, Jamie, look, I'll get you a drink and then we'll – :'''Jamie:''' DO YOU WANT A FUCKING SPLINTER GLASS FACIAL? I'm not pretending to hate you here, I actually fucking hate you! I'm not playing a fucking game. Fuck off! ''(leaves)'' :'''Malcolm:''' He trained as a priest. :'''Ben:''' Really? Yeah, he'd be fantastic, I'd confess everything to him. <hr width="50%"/> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Where are you tonight? 'Cause you're not here. What, no invitation for number one party animal, Julius [[Pete Doherty]] Nicholson? :'''Julius:''' Who's Peter O'Doherty? :'''Malcolm:''' Stop trying to joke, OK? Don't joke, you are not funny, Julius, you're about as funny as a blind toddler in a fucking minefield. <hr width="50%"/> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Glenn''' ''(in his sister's Welsh cottage, on the phone)'': Ah, Malcolm. Terri's just rung about the wankers' announcement, and I thought you'd want to know, Hugh's on the way to the airport, but do you want me to definitely tell him to get on the plane? :'''Malcolm:''' No, it's too fucking late. What's he gonna do, come and shadow the shadow of DoSAC shadowing him? Show him where the bogs are? :'''Glenn:''' Yeah, but you told me to tell him to come home. :'''Malcolm:''' Did I? :'''Glenn:''' Yeah! :'''Ollie''' ''(in Malcolm's office, on the phone)'': Right, Hugh, hi. Er, no, I don't think you're going to be wanted back here. :'''Malcolm:''' What is the problem? :'''Ollie:''' He's on some road somewhere where he can't do a U-turn for about five miles or something. :'''Malcolm:''' Good! I like to know that I can still make him miserable even though he's 12,000 miles away. ==Spinners and Losers== :''(Amidst all the chaos swirling after the announcement of the PM's surprise resignation, Ollie's cell phone rings. It's Angela Heaney.)'' :'''Ollie:''' ''(answering his phone)'' Angela, hello. :'''Angela:''' Ollie. How are you? :'''Ollie:''' I am tickets-fuckety-boo, thank you very much. :'''Angela:''' Sorry? :'''Ollie:''' Tickets-fuckety-boo. It's just something that Ben says. :'''Angela:''' Are you and Ben Swain big buds, then? :'''Ollie:''' Well, you know...Just, could you... :''(Ollie has to get away from Glenn, because Glenn is talking to Hugh on his cell phone.)'' :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Angela)'' Hang on just a second... :''(Ollie walks away from the action...and then resumes his conversation with Angela.)'' :'''Ollie:''' ''(in a quieter voice)'' Things are just a little bit fluid here and Glenn's not really a big Ben fan. Ben Swain obviously, not the clock. Well, it's not the clock, is it? It's the bell that's called Big Ben. :'''Angela:''' So go on, tell me: Who else is running? :'''Ollie:''' ''(in the men's toilets)'' Well, no one. No one's gonna stand against Tom now, surely, it's going to be unopposed. ''(Starts using the urinal)'' They'll be rebranding him as we speak, I would imagine: new hair, [[wikipedia:Ted_Baker|Ted Baker]] teeth, all the modern trappings of your political leader – :'''Angela:''' Ollie! Are you pissing? :'''Ollie:''' Er no, that's the flush of the automatic urinals, it's a gentlemen's lavatory. :'''Angela:''' I don't want to talk to you while you're holding your penis. :'''Ollie:''' Well, that's not what you used to say, Angela. :'''Angela:''' Er, yes it is. :'''Ollie:''' No, well – actually it is precisely what you used to say. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' Has anybody seen Jamie? :'''Glenn:''' Why, have you lost him? :'''Ollie:''' Oh, don't tell me he's gone feral, 'cause he was fucking terrifying when you had him on the leash! :'''Malcolm:''' Let's not overreact. :'''Ollie:''' Easy for ''you'' to say, he threatened to shove an iPod up my cock! :'''Malcolm:''' But you get that a lot, though, don't you? :<hr width="50%" />''(discussing Dan Miller)'' :'''Glenn:''' You don't think he's got a chance, do you? :'''Ollie:''' Nah, he's just a droid, isn't he? He's just – ''(makes robotic noises and gestures)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(lecturing Ollie)'' Hey hey hey hey. Don't-don't-don't let him hear you doing that sort of stuff. What happens if he does stand a chance, eh? He'll fuck you harder than [[wikipedia:Ron_Jeremy|Ron Jeremy]], and with less warmth. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Meanwhile, at the Daily Mail's headquarters, Adam Kenyon, the editor-in-chief at the mail, is discussing the news of who's standing for leadership with Angela.)'' :'''Adam Kenyon:''' Right, Geoff Holhurst? :'''Angela:''' Yeah. :'''Adam:''' Right, Ollie's our source on this, is he? Ollie Reeder? [[wikipedia:Deep_Throat_(Watergate)|Shallow Throat]]? Brilliant. :'''Angela:''' Yeah, I know you don't rate him. :'''Adam:''' You can say that again. Ollie Reeder is, to quote [[wikipedia:Bobby Kennedy|Robert F. Kennedy]], a complete fucking spazmaloid. Plus you know how Geoff Holhurst photographs: it looks like his body's in the foreground and his head is really really far away, he looks fucking weird. Just something solid, all right? Otherwise our front page is gonna be an interview with [[wikipedia:Janet_Street-Porter|Janet Street-Porter]] on why she hasn't been asked to be Prime Minister and a giant fucking Sudoku. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Downstairs at Number 10, Malcolm has an awkward run-in with Cliff Lawton.)'' :'''Cliff:''' Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' Elvis! Sorry, sorry. Cliff, Cliff. Where are you off to? :'''Cliff:''' I'm actually off to, uh, to see an old colleague, you know, from the old days, from, uh...before you asked me to resign. :'''Malcolm:''' Oh, lovely, lovely. Well, look, I'd love to stop and chat to you, but you know, I'd rather have Type 2 diabetes. :'''Cliff Lawton:''' Yes, fuck you, Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, Happy New Year. <hr width="50%"/> :''(As Malcolm enters his office, he finds, to his surprise -- or is it dismay? -- Geoff Holhurst. Geoff stands up to greet Malcolm.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Right. Hi, Geoff, don't stand. :'''Geoff:''' Oh. ''(Geoff sits back down)'' :'''Malcolm:''' No, no, I mean, "Don't stand against Tom." Now do you see what I did there? I was both being funny and also deadly serious. :'''Geoff:''' Yeah, now where did you hear that, Malcolm? I'm not standing. :'''Malcolm:''' Never mind where I heard it from. The thing is, Geoff... ''(Malcolm sits down in his chair)'' You're gonna waste everybody's time. :'''Geoff:''' I'm not standing, Malcolm. I'm just trying to start a debate, you know, a policy debate, about the future direction of the party and of the government. :'''Malcolm:''' Because first, you've got no credentials. I mean, you're so back bench you've actually fucking fallen off. You're out by the fucking bins where I put you. :'''Geoff:''' Hello? Are you listening to me? I'm not standing. :'''Malcolm:''' Secondly, I'm gonna tell the Mirror about all the drinking. :'''Geoff:''' ''(laughing)'' I'm not drinking. :'''Malcolm:''' And thirdly, I'm gonna tell the Mail about the affair. And fourthly, you've got a tiny head. :'''Geoff:''' ''(offended)'' No I haven't! :'''Malcolm:''' Yes you have. It's out of proportion, everybody mentions it. :'''Geoff:''' Look... :'''Malcolm:''' See? You're shaking it, and I can hardly see it move. Are you shaking it now? Are you shaking it now? I can't tell. :'''Geoff:''' I'm not standing, okay? My head is the right size, all right? :'''Malcolm:''' It is very petite. So you're not standing... :'''Geoff:''' No. :'''Malcolm:''' Right? You will not stand against Tom. :'''Geoff:''' I've said. I've bloody said. :'''Malcolm:''' Okay, thank you, Geoff. Let's go. Arriva-fucking-derci. ''(Geoff gets up from his chair, and he and Malcolm shake hands.)'' Let's have lunch sometime, yeah? We'll have a tete-a-tiny-tete. :'''Geoff:''' ''(leaving the office)'' Jesus... <hr width="50%"/> :''(And now, Nick Hanway, a government press relations officer, is entering his way into Malcolm's office.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(seeing Nick enter)'' Oh, Nice Nutter Nick! :'''Nick Hanway:''' What was all that about? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(standing up again)'' Just, you know, putting out a fire. :'''Nick:''' Definitely out? :'''Malcolm:''' Definitely out. Pissed out. Steam and cinders, pal. Does Tom know you're here? :'''Nick:''' Yeah, of course, yeah. :'''Malcolm:''' So how's the rebrand going? :'''Nick:''' Okay, we've, um, booked him for a photo op on Tuesday. He's taking the family to a Harvester. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(chuckling)'' Oh, Jesus Christ, really? :'''Nick:''' Yeah. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(jokingly as a reporter)'' "Have you been to a Harvester before, Prime Minister?" ''(and now as Tom)'' "No, in fact, I've never actually been outside the fucking house with my family before." :'''Nick:''' Anyway, um, look...do you know the name of the bod who's booked to go on ''Today'' in the morning? :'''Malcolm:''' Sure, yeah. Do ''you'' know? :'''Nick:''' Yeah, we just found out. So -- ''you'' know who it is? :'''Malcolm:''' Well, of course ''I'' know. I mean, there's nothing that you know that I don't know. I'm Dr. Fucking Know. :'''Nick:''' Who is it? :'''Malcolm:''' Is this, are you...Are you testing me now? Is it, 'cause I mean, I could test you. I mean, we could have a big match or testostethon. I mean, how do I know that you've got the fucking name, anyway? :'''Nick:''' Because Hugo at ''Today'' told us. :'''Malcolm:''' Right. :''(A bit of a pause...)'' :'''Nick:''' So what name have you got? :'''(Another hide-and-seek pause...)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Dan Miller. :'''Nick:''' Oh, okay, so you do know. :'''Malcolm:''' Of course I fucking do. :'''Nick:''' Look, um, Tom's announcing his team in the morning, and I've just got to stop Dan Miller announcing his team two hours before we announce ours, so...if you want to get on the bus, that's... :'''Malcolm:''' That is my mission? You, Mr. Nutty Bar, have given me a task? Jesus Christ, who the fuck does Tom think he is? :'''Nick:''' The next Prime Minister of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, Malcolm. :''(And with that cool, steely-eyed shot, Nick gets ready to leave Malcolm's office...but Malcolm isn't done with Nick yet.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Nick. ''(beat)'' Tell the mighty fucking Tom that his transition will be as smooth as a Brazilian's fuckh-- :''(But just before Malcolm can finish his comeback retort to Nick, Jamie enters the office from out of nowhere and interrupts the party.)'' :'''Jamie:''' ''(to Malcolm and Nick)'' Oh! [[wikipedia:Trinny_and_Susannah|Trinny ''and'' Susannah]]! Well I'm sorry to burst into your little fucking boutique, but you've got a fight on your hands. That's all I'm saying. I'm backing a rival candidate, ''(to Malcolm)'' so fuck you, ''(to Nick)'' and fuck you and your Nutter coronation 'cause it ain't happening. :'''Nick:''' So you're backing Dan Miller, are you? :'''Jamie:''' No, I'm not backing Dan Miller! Don't you fucking ever ask me a question again! :'''Malcolm:''' Fatty? :'''Jamie:''' Oh aye, Fatty, yeah, wee Spider-Man pyjamas, fucking idiot. From now on, it's a proper fight: it's a pub fight, [[wikipedia:Motherwell|Motherwell]] rules, and Tom is gonna get a pint glass in his fucking eye, and a pool cue up his arse, and another pool cue in his other fucking eye! :'''Malcolm:''' Geoff Holhurst. :'''Jamie:''' Oh, what, Mr Baby New Potato Head? Fuck off. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Jamie is backing Cliff Lawton for leadership. And now, Jamie and Cliff are traveling in a car, discussing strategy.)'' :'''Jamie:''' Are you a horse? :'''Cliff:''' ''(confused)'' Sorry? :'''Jamie:''' Are you a fucking horse? :'''Cliff:''' Um, I don't...I don't know what you mean. What? :'''Jamie:''' Are you a fucking horse? :'''Cliff:''' Okay, no, I'm not a horse. :'''Jamie:''' Are you sure? :'''Cliff:''' I'm sure. :'''Jamie:''' You've got a pretty fucking horsey face -- and a bit of a horsey wife. Are you a fucking horse? Are you? :'''Cliff:''' Okay, leaving the wife aside... :'''Jamie:''' Are you a horse? :'''Cliff:''' No... :'''Jamie:''' EXACTLY! :'''Cliff:''' I can categorically say that I am not a horse. :'''Jamie:''' Exactly, you are not a fucking horse. You are no horse, and you are not a [[wikipedia:Stalking horse|stalking horse]]. ''You'' are the real thing. :'''Cliff:''' ''(nodding in agreement)'' Oh, right. :'''Jamie:''' And we are going to ''ram'' you up Tom's are so hard that he has to shit out of his lying mouth. :'''Cliff:''' It's not a very nice image, really, is it? ''(beat)'' But it's very motivating. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Glenn:''' And then, Liam said that someone suggested that Tom should go on ''[[wikipedia:Strictly_Come_Dancing|Strictly Come Dancing]]''. :'''Ollie:''' He can barely even walk properly. He looks like he shat himself the whole time. :'''Glenn:''' He often has. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm''' ''(to Robyn)'': You are going to ''bury'' this Watford arseache tonight, OK? 'Cause tomorrow morning, from broadsheets to wank rags, I want page one, two and three to be a profile of Tom looking like a fucking political colossus, you know: Tom meeting the Pope, Tom in an NHS hospital chatting to little, baldie kiddies. I want pages four and five to be a timeline of the last few years in British politics with ''me'' at the centre, looking fucking indispensable, and fucking benign. And I want page six to be fucking – ''Israel'' or some bullshit, not a fucking DOSAC, DIPSHIT, LEGACY-DISTRACTING COCK-UP! :'''Robyn:''' Right, um, Jamie. Look, I just have to say at this point that I do find him just a little bit frightening. :'''Malcolm:''' Relax, he has never hit anyone. Or at least, anyone he has hit has never had the balls to take it to a superior. ''(Robyn still looks terrified)'' It's a fucking joke. It's a joke, OK? The man is a professional, you will be fine. :'''Glenn:''' Actually, Malcolm? We still have no word on Dan Miller. I mean, he's gone dark, he's not answering his phone – :'''Malcolm:''' Maybe he's in a hotel with his own huddle. Ring around, try and find him. :'''Glenn:''' What, ring every hotel in London and ask if Dan Miller's booked in? :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah! Although he could be using an assumed name. :'''Glenn:''' So you want me to ring round every hotel in London, and ask if anyone, of any name, has booked in? :'''Malcolm:''' Well it will keep you busy, you know, you need to keep the mind active at your age.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Jamie:''' OK, the line is: [[wikipedia:Wildcat_strike_action|wildcat walkout]], we'll be talking to the unions, it's too early to comment. Off the record: er, union Neanderthals with brains the size of children's bogies couldn't take the heat of Hugh Abbot's ring-stinging, shit-hot, public sector reforms, but he's flying back like Harrison Ford with a big whip in one hand and a skinny latte in the other and he's gonna whip six shades of shit out of them and save the world, OK? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' ''(on the phone to Jamie)'' There is a glacier of shit at DoSAC! I need you over here, with a fucking blowtorch, right now! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jamie:''' Nobody gives a shit if you got shafted by Malcolm. :'''Cliff:''' ''I'' will never, ever forgive him for what he did to me. :'''Jamie:''' Jesus, this isn't ''[[w:EastEnders|EastEnders]]!'' This is politics! We're all in the same plague pit, Cliff, there's no clean hands! :''(Jamie's cell phone rings)'' :'''Cliff:''' All right – :'''Jamie:''' ''(answering the phone)'' Yeah? :'''Malcolm:''' Jamie! What's that sort of droning noise in the background, then? :'''Cliff:''' Look, okay, here's a more positive approach, right, I'll try this. ''(reads from his speech)'' :'''Malcolm:''' It's a kind of boring, kind of low sort of droning, boring, kind of miserable whining, boring kind of, sort of boring noise going on? :'''Jamie:''' Yeah, well, you've got it wrong, yeah? :'''Malcolm:''' Cliff fucking Lawton. Hey, nice. Was the Cillit Bang guy not available? :'''Jamie:''' Fuck you. ''(hangs up)'' :'''Cliff:''' ... To put it simply, I'm back! :'''Jamie:''' Oh fuck off, Cliff. :'''Cliff:''' Sorry? :'''Jamie:''' Fuck off! You're a busted flush! You're not gonna be Prime Minister, you're not gonna be anything, so fuck off. :'''Cliff:''' This is your thing, isn't it? Everything has to be an absolute, everything has to be black and white! You know: 'I love you, fuck off!' There are lots of shades of grey, you know! :'''Jamie:''' Oh, I know that, I'm looking at fifteen of them right now. See you later, no-mark. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' You've got this bullshit Watford story covered, yeah? :'''Jamie:''' Yeah. :'''Malcolm:''' You and I will have a little discussion later. :'''Jamie:''' Yeah. I think Watford will get bumped by the fact that we're about to hand the nuclear codes to a guy who, every now and then, loses it so bad he needs satnav to find his own nipples. :'''Malcolm:''' What are you talking about? :'''Jamie:''' Well, I just thought it was fair to let everyone know about the Tom rumours, you know. How the guy that's about to become Prime Minister chugs antidepressants like they're fucking [[wikipedia:Smint|Smints]]. How the Black Dog humps his leg and shits in his duvet every four months; I ''think'' that will bump the Watford walkout. :'''Malcolm:''' You've gone fucking psycho son, fucking psycho! ''(leaves)'' TWAT!<hr width="50%"/> :'''Ollie:''' ''(answering his mobile)'' Hello. :'''Malcolm:''' Right, what's the plan? :'''Ollie:''' Well, they don't have a plan. :'''Malcolm:''' Okay, well perhaps you should give them one. :'''Ollie:''' Well, yes, fantastic, actually, Malc, because obviously I have a very suitable one tattooed on the underside of my scrotum, so why don't we use that – :'''Malcolm:''' Shut it, you're using up all the minutes on my 'talk till you get head cancer' tariff! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ben Swain:''' What do you think? :'''Nick Hanway:''' Hmm – To be honest, I was really hoping that was going to be shit, because I'm tired and I'd quite like to hit someone. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' Are you in on this? :'''Jamie:''' I'm not leaving it to you, eh? You couldn't organise a bum-rape in a barracks. :'''Malcolm:''' Au contraire.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Jamie:''' What we're having here is a secret conversation, and I'm hoping that this time you can keep the fucking secret, because normally you're about as secure as a hymen in a South London [[wikipedia:Comprehensive_school|comprehensive]]. :'''Terri:''' Yep, well done: that's offensive on a number of levels in a very concise way.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Angela Heaney:''' They've ditched Ballentine. :'''Adam Kenyon:''' What? Already? :'''Angela Heaney:''' Yeah. :'''Adam Kenyon:''' What the fuck is wrong with these people? I mean, what is this, potential leader speed dating? Right, who ''is'' standing? :'''Angela Heaney:''' I dunno. :'''Adam Kenyon''' ''(to another journalist working on a Ballentine story)'': Well, ditch that for a starter, get rid of her, I can't stand her fucking face. :'''Angela Heaney:''' You know, I think you should eat something. :'''Adam Kenyon:''' Oh right, yeah! Eat something, that'd be right, wouldn't it? You know what, our coverage so far has either been wrong or guesswork, which was wrong. So all we have now is a story-shaped hole! :'''Angela Heaney:''' Seriously, your blood sugar's low. :'''Adam Kenyon:''' Right. :'''Angela Heaney:''' Makes you very irritable. :'''Adam Kenyon:''' No, what makes me very irritable, Angela, is having ''no'' fucking stories and having to fill an entire newspaper with just fucking prepositions! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' And obviously if you do think about running with this pills story – :'''Adam Kenyon:''' Yeah. :'''Malcolm:''' I will personally fucking eviscerate you, right? :'''Adam Kenyon:''' Right. :'''Malcolm:''' And I mean, I don't have your education, I don't know what that means, but I will start by ripping your cock off and I'll busk it from there, okay? :'''Adam Kenyon:''' Good, thank you, again. :'''Malcolm:''' Talk to you later. :'''Adam Kenyon:''' Cheers. Bye bye now. ''(Hangs up. To Angela)'' He's a nice guy.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Jamie:''' ''(to Terri and Robyn)'' Oh hey, Desperate Housewives, have you found out who's leaking yet? :'''Glenn:''' I have. It's Julius! He's just told me – :'''Jamie:''' Wait, no, what – That – Julius? :'''Glenn:''' Yeah. :'''Jamie:''' ''Nicholson?'' That baldy PUSSY? Well, I tell you, if he thinks he's leaking now, wait to see him when I'm finished with him: he'll look like fucking [[wikipedia:The_Passion_of_the_Christ|Mel Gibson's Jesus]]! FUCK! FUCK, FUCK! FUCK!<hr width="50%" /> :'''Julius:''' Why don't I get something in? A man cannot live on Jaffa Cakes alone, obviously. I've tried.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Malcolm''' ''(to Ben)'': I'm just gonna go make some nuisance calls, I'll see you in about half a – Stop fucking blinking! Or I will take your optic nerve and strangle you with it. OK. You look after him, Ollie, OK? He's a very important man. Cock like a caber.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Adam Kenyon:''' What's the news, just – :'''Angela Heaney:''' What? :'''Adam Kenyon:''' Just tell me what the fucking news is and I'll put it on the front page. It's not like we're ''[[wikipedia:The_Independent|The Independent]]'', we can't just stick a headline saying 'Cruelty' and then stick a picture of a dolphin or a whale underneath it. I mean, that's just fucking cheating, that's rubbish. :'''Angela Heaney:''' Well, what I'm hearing is Ben Swain. :'''Adam Kenyon:''' Ben Swain? :'''Angela Heaney:''' Yeah. :'''Adam Kenyon:''' Right, I literally don't know who he is. I'm not being stupid or anything, but I physically don't know who Ben Swain is. He could be the leader of the Special Boat Squadron – :'''Angela Heaney:''' Service. :'''Adam Kenyon:''' The [[wikipedia:Special_Boat_Service|Special Boat Service]] or whatever it's fucking called, and this could be a massive coup. :'''Angela Heaney:''' Ben Swain is what I'm hearing. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' The good news, however, is that the – well, the Tom wobble, it's over. :'''Ben Swain:''' And so the – :'''Malcolm:''' That's great, isn't it? :'''Ben Swain:''' Yeah! Why is – So what, he's not wobbling, he's – What does that mean? :'''Malcolm:''' Well, it means that all the rats are now returning to a ''very'' buoyant ship and they're playing deck tennis, so that's lovely, isn't it? :'''Ben Swain:''' What does that mean for me, then? :'''Malcolm:''' I guess that means that you're standing in the chamber of the House of Commons with your big flaccid dick hanging out with a 'vote for me' sticker on the end. :'''Ben Swain:''' But you said I had a chance! About half an hour ago you said I was in with a shot! :'''Malcolm:''' Don't fucking gi– Look, half an hour ago you ''were'' in with a shot! This is half an hour hence! We've fucking time-travelled, yes? We're in a weird and wonderful world, where everything is different. Maybe outside, the polar ice caps have melted. Maybe there's fucking robots knocking about and [[wikipedia:Davina_McCall|Davina McCall]]'s the new Pope. Maybe, you can download ''rice!'' I want you right now to think about ''your'' future, okay? Think about what you are doing, get yourself back on the train to fucking Tomsville pronto, yeah? ''(walking out)'' Half an hour ago. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' What's that, cricket? That's the English equivalent of sport, isn't it? No actual physical contact, just glaring. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jamie:''' Nicholson! NICHOLSON! The immigration shit. It was you, wasn't it? You mimsy bastard Quisling leak ''fuck!'' :'''Julius:''' Sorry, what are you talking about? :'''Jamie:''' Yeah yeah yeah, you will be sorry, you inflatable cock. You fucking sold us out, didn't you? DENY IT! :'''Julius:''' Well, James, I can't deny something until I have the actual charge presented to me – :'''Jamie:''' ''(impersonating Julius)'' 'Oh oh oh, the actual charge.' ''(normal voice)'' You mean apart from the charge you're gonna get when I clamp jump leads to your baldy bollocks? Okay, okay, okay! You, Julius Nicholson, being of sound mind, but with a body that looks like a giant sex toy, did knowingly do us up the shithole, by passing confidential information to the enemy! And I am gonna have your guts as a skipping rope, and your lungs sun-dried and turned into a little fucking waistcoat! :'''Julius:''' James, technically it was not a leak, because firstly it's not confidential infor– :'''Malcolm:''' Eat that prawn. Eat that fucking prawn. :'''Julius:''' I'm not eating prawns, Malcolm, I'm on – I'm just telling you – :'''Malcolm:''' Eat that prawn. ''(throws a slice of pizza at Julius)'' Eat a bit of fucking pizza. :'''Julius:''' Don't be stupid. Malcolm – :'''Malcolm:''' Eat another prawn. ''(throws a prawn)'' :'''Julius:''' Stop it! :'''Malcolm:''' ''(throws more food)'' Have some fucking chow mein! :'''Julius:''' Malcolm – :'''Jamie:''' Here, stuff it in his fucking head! Stuff it in his big baby head! :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie, who has just returned with some cheese)'' Get that fucking cheese over there! :'''Jamie:''' EAT THE CHEESE! :'''Julius:''' I don't want the cheese, stop it! :'''Glenn:''' Go on, have some! :'''Jamie:''' ''(throwing food at Julius)'' EAT THE CHEESE! EAT THE FUC– :'''Julius:''' ''(being pelted by Malcolm and Ollie)'' This isn't funny, this is an expensive suit! James, just – :'''Jamie:''' Fuck! :'''Julius:''' What the ''fuck'' are you doing, mate? ''(runs out of the door)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Hey hey hey, right! :'''Jamie:''' EAT THE FUCKING CHEESE! ''(chasing after Julius)'' EAT THE CHEESE, NICHOLSON! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Glenn:''' Fucking ''hell!'' Fuck! Jesus. I'm not a joke, okay? All right? Hello? I am a man! I am a man, you know? You know?! This... THIS...! THIS IS MY LIFE! I'M A HUMAN BEING, AND ALL THIS IS MY LIFE! And it's collapsing in front of me! You know, Tom's lot, they're never gonna want me, are they? And fucking Hugh, now he – Jesus Christ, this is all...! ''I AM A MAN!'' And – :'''Terri:''' I know, listen – :'''Glenn:''' No you don't – :'''Terri:''' I do! :'''Glenn:''' I'm irrelevant! No no, go away, I'm irrelevant, I'm irrelevant, I'm irrelevant. :'''Terri:''' Glenn, Glenn, Glenn – :'''Glenn:''' FUCKING HUGH JUST WANTS TO SPEAK TO [[wikipedia:Teletubbies#Characters|TINKY WINKY]]?! WELL, ''FUCK'' TINKY WINKY! FUCK YOU, TINKY WINKY! [[Auf Wiedersehen, Pet|Auf Wiedersehen Pet]], the party's over, [[wikipedia:Goodbye_Yellow_Brick_Road|Goodbye Yellow Brick Road]]! WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT HITLER?! WELL, HE HAD A MOUSTACHE AND HE LIVED OVER THERE! FUCK US ALL! <hr width="50%" /> :'''Malcolm''' ''(receives an alert on his phone)'': Oh, I've been summoned to the breakfast meeting, to talk to Tom about this morning: some details about Claire Ballentine, maybe; Geoff Holhurst; young Benjamin here. :'''Nick Hanway:''' Fuck you very much, you unscrupulous bastard. :'''Malcolm:''' Scruples? Scruples, what are they? Is that those low-fat [[wikipedia:Kettle_Foods|Kettle Chips]]? OK people, wake up and smell the cock! Hey Ben, next time that you wanna stab Caesar, make sure you're not holding a fucking plastic spoon. <hr width="50%"/> :''(The Mail are revealing that Ben Swain was racist to a cleaner)'' :'''Glenn:''' I've been leaking for 27 years, I know how it's done, I leaked it! :'''Ollie:''' You don't leak! Well not from the mouth, anyway. :'''Malcolm:''' You fucking shut up. At least this is Hugh's Glenn. All that you are, mate, is fucking ''Ben's'' Glenn.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Ollie:''' ''Guardian Online'', right? :'''Glenn:''' Yes. :'''Ollie:''' I notice they got Tom to do the questionnaire. :'''Glenn:''' What, trying to make himself look more like a human being and less like a calculator with Aspergers? What does he say? :'''Ollie:''' 'When were you happiest?' 'At the birth of my son.' :'''Glenn:''' Bollocks, he wasn't even at the birth of his son. Actually no, he was in an all-night sitting of the Communications Bill, fast asleep. And his sister-in-law woke him with a text. :'''Ollie:''' 'What was the last CD you bought?' 'The Scissor Sisters'. ''(Glenn laughs.)'' And do we believe him? 'Which living person do you most admire?' :'''Glenn:''' Er, well that's tough. Nelson Mandela? :'''Ollie:''' Correct! I think you just press F5 for that one, to be absolutely honest with you. 'How do you relax?' 'Cannabis and wanking'? :'''Glenn:''' He hasn't. :'''Ollie:''' No of course he hasn't, you idiot, 'Listening to opera'. :'''Glenn:''' Oh, right. :'''Ollie:''' While wanking.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Nick Hanway:''' Why tonight of all ''fucking nights'', why tonight? :'''Malcolm Tucker:''' Oh well, that's easy: Tucker's Law. 'If some cunt ''can'' fuck something up, that cunt will pick the worst possible time to fucking fuck up because that cunt's a cunt.' I've got that embroidered on a tea towel at home. === Opposition Extra === :'''Emma Messinger:''' Peter, hi, it's Emma. Now listen, Stewart says this really ''is'' the strategy. :'''Peter Mannion:''' We're supposed to be the opposition, for Christ's sake. In the old days, we wouldn't have been weeping over his grave, we'd have been pissing on it. :'''Emma Messinger:''' If we start point-scoring now, we're just going to look like opportunist weasels. :'''Peter Mannion:''' Well, weasily done. :'''Emma Messinger:''' Sorry? :'''Peter Mannion:''' It's weasily done. :'''Phil Smith:''' It's a joke. :'''Emma Messinger:''' That was a joke? :'''Peter Mannion:''' Tell Stewart I'm not doing it. Tell him bollocks to it, tell him to fuck off. :'''Emma Messinger:''' Tell Stewart to f– Now, Peter, that's not really a very good idea, is it? He's not going to like it if you tell him to fuck off, is he? :'''Peter Mannion:''' Not actually. Yeah, not actually fuck off, just make an excuse, pretty it up, but when you do tell him, make sure that he knows, reading between the lines, that I told you to tell him to fuck off, but you're prettying it up.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Peter Mannion:''' I was supposed to be making an announcement this morning on the failures in the immigration system, making a big speech! :'''Adam Kenyon:''' Yeah, Peter, we were there; you know, I mean, you were giving your recipe for spag bol, and then [[wikipedia:Gordon_Ramsay|Gordon Ramsay]] walks in and takes us all out for peacock and chips.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Emma Messinger''' ''(arriving at Peter's house)'': Peter! Peter? Hi, it's Emma. ''(whispers)'' Oh sorry, you're on the phone, sorry. :'''Peter Mannion:''' Oh hi, Emma! I thought it was Kate Winslet, she generally pops round about now.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Stewart Pearson''' ''(on the phone)'': Peter, we need you to go on [[wikipedia:BBC_News_(TV_channel)|News 24]], like Phil asked, and to say nice things about the PM. :'''Peter Mannion:''' If I'm praising the PM, can I at least have a go at Tom and the Nutters? Can I at least subtly suggest they're waving in a man who pulls himself off by reading European tax law amendments? :'''Stewart Pearson:''' No way! No way, we do not slag off Tom, we want Tom in. Tom is our big fat, socially dysfunctional, swing-voter repellent, golden weirdo ticket. :'''Emma Messinger:''' Surely you can understand how this will work in our favour, Peter? I mean, they're going to elect a man who can count his friends on the fingers of, like, of my father's right hand! :'''Stewart Pearson:''' Dan Miller is thinking of standing, that's what I'm hearing. Yeah, oh sorry, just a minute, just a min– ''(to a colleague outside his office)'' Mark! Mark! When I say I want you to cc JB on everything to do with these interviews, I do mean everything, not just the things that ''you'' think are important. I'm an extraordinarily precise man, Mark, that's why my wife left me. ''(back on the phone)'' JB doesn't want Dan Miller, he's too young and he's too witty, whereas Tom looks 92 and he's about as funny as [[wikipedia:Norman_Wisdom|Norman Wisdom]]. We slag Tom off once he's elected, but not now, hm?<hr width="50%" /> :''(watching TV in their flat)'' :'''Emma Messinger:''' Phil, switch over, we haven't looked at News 24 for a bit. :'''Phil Smith:''' No, it would just be the Ten Glorious Years package in permanent orbit. Is it just me, or does [[wikipedia:Noel_Gallagher|Noel Gallagher]] getting older look like one of those Evolution of Man wall charts in reverse?<hr width="50%" /> :'''Ollie''' ''(answers his mobile)'': Morning. :'''Emma:''' Yeah, have you seen the ''Mail''? :'''Ollie:''' Erm, no I haven't, I'm under 40 and I have a penis, why? :'''Emma:''' They've got a big graphic on the night's winners and losers. Yeah, it's not a great picture of you. :'''Ollie:''' What? Me – What, I'm in it? :'''Emma:''' You look very very pasty and about nine, so – :'''Ollie:''' Am I a winner or a loser? :'''Emma:''' You are a loser! :'''Ollie:''' I'm a loser? For fuck's sake – ''(Emma is listening to the radio)'' God, is that Ben on ''[[wikipedia:Today_(BBC_Radio_4)|Today]]'' in the background? You can even hear him blinking on the radio. This is absolute bollocks, I'm not supposed to be in the paper, Em, I'm just, you know – It's not me who's supposed to be in the paper, is it? It's fucking ridiculous. :'''Emma:''' Oh come on, it's only the ''Mail'', don't worry about it. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, yeah, I know it's the ''Daily Mail'', but you know – my mum gets the ''Mail''. == Series 3, Episode 1 == :''(It's Cabinet Reshuffle Day in the British Government, and Malcolm Tucker has got his finger on the trigger.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Ed! Get Tom Rudd in. Now. We're offering him Northern Ireland, the lucky sod. :'''Ed:''' I think he's expecting to be offered Transport. :'''Malcolm:''' Well, tell him he's taking the bus to George Best airport, right? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' ''(on his cell phone)'' He’s making Paul Remington a Cabinet Minister. Remtard Remington. I mean the guy is an epic fuck-up. He’s so dense that light bends around him. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' Come on people, let’s get going here! I’ve got a to-do list that’s longer than a fucking [[w:Leonard Cohen|Leonard Cohen]] song! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Meanwhile, Ollie Reeder and Terri Coverley are discussing the Cabinet reshuffle at DoSAC.)'' :'''Ollie:''' ''(looking at his computer)'' Remtard at Energy and Climate Change. :'''Terri:''' Really? I'm not getting that. ''(Terri looks at her computer.)'' It's not on here. How did you get that about Remington? :'''Ollie:''' ''(slightly annoyed)'' Refresh the page. :'''Terri:''' Yeah. Ah, yeah. Oh look, Fatty's staying put! They're not moving Fatty! :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, well, that's 'cause they haven’t got five big blokes and a winch. :'''Terri:''' They couldn't really demote Fatty, 'cause he knows too much. :'''Ollie:''' Well he doesn't know where the [[w:Ryvita|Ryvita]] is kept, does he? <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm is on the phone once more, talking to a colleague about how busy he is.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' I've got this -- this-this reshuffle going on, the Leamington Spa by-election coming up, I've got more on my plate than a spinster at a wedding. That wasn't a reference to your daughter by the way, Andrew. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Hugh Abbot has lost his place in the reshuffle.)'' :'''Glenn:''' Well. That's Hugh gone, then. :'''Terri:''' It's so sad, isn't it? Hugh. :'''Glenn:''' Yeah. :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Terri)'' You don't give a ''shit''! :''(beat)'' :'''Terri:''' ...No, well, perhaps I don't. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ollie:''' Northern Ireland office, Tom Rudd. Who's Tom Rudd? Tom Rudd? :'''Terri:''' Isn't he in ''Harry Potter''? :'''Glenn:''' Tom Rudd is army slang for standing-up buggery. :'''Ollie:''' Right. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' ''(calling out to Doug Hayes)'' Doug! Doug! Dougie! Look at you, cock like [[wikipedia:Pink_Panther_(character)|the Pink Panther's]] tail. Come have a Kit Kat. :'''Doug Hayes:''' I'm afraid I turned it down, Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' Do you know ninety percent of household dust is made of dead human skin? That's what you are. To me. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm is back on the phone with Andrew -- AND, of course, Malcolm accidentally insults Andrew's daughter.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Doug Hayes is a massive abortion. Again, not a reference to your daughter. We need somebody to plug this DoSAC hole. Anybody. A fucking mammal with a head. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Terri:''' ''(to Glenn and Ollie)'' Have you two finished emptying your desks yet? :'''Glenn:''' ''(agitated)'' Yes, don't worry, Terri, we're all ready to go. :'''Terri:''' I'm just trying to get everything organised for whenever whoever arrives. They are gonna have their own people. It's gonna be very embarrassing if your hand cream's still in the drawer. :'''Glenn:''' ''Hand cream?'' :'''Terri:''' Yeah, well, whatever men have. I don't know, electric nose-hair trimmers, Ex-Lax... :'''Ollie:''' ''(mocking Glenn)'' Aww, look at Glenn. Your face...On the scrapheap at the tender age of 76? It's no life for you, is it, Glenn, this? Hey, do you want me to call Dignitas? ''(beat)'' I could call Indignitas. They could come round and shove you out of the window dressed as a clown. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' ''(on his phone again)'' Get me, um, Nicola Murray. Yeah. If she says "no", well, I don't know, the only other candidate is my left bollock with a fucking smiley face drawn on it. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Terri announces and introduces the new head of the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship.)'' :'''Terri:''' Ladies and gentlemen, may I introduce the new Secretary of State for the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship, Nicola Murray. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Nicola Murray is the new head of the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship -- DoSAC, for short. As she heads into her new office, she gets a cell phone call from her husband, James.)'' :'''Nicola Murray:''' ''(on the phone to her husband.)'' Um...Yes, I know. They just -- they frog-marched me into it. ''(beat)'' I didn't know. I had no idea. ''(beat)'' James, be fair! I did -- I-I left seven fucking messages for you. Your secretary or whoever is useless. I don't think the school thing's gonna be a problem. It's not gonna be a problem 'cause they'll have vetted me at Number 10. And obviously nobody has soiled themselves or shot me. Great, well, I'll take your warm congratulations as implied. ''(Nicola hangs up her phone.)'' Fucking arsehole. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Terri checks to see if Nicola's alright.)'' :'''Terri:''' You all right? :'''Nicola:''' Yes, it's all a bit crazy. No, it just feels like my head's made entirely of smoke alarms. ''(laughing)'' At the moment, it's all a bit ''OOH...'' ''(Nicola mimes an explosion.)'' :'''Terri:''' Yes, well, it was a bit of a shock for us all, you know. :'''Nicola:''' I'm sure. :'''Terri:''' In a good way, in a good way. :'''Nicola:''' Good. :'''Terri:''' Well, like twins or a tax rebate. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Nicola calls both Glenn and Ollie into her office to discuss her policy as the new head of DoSAC.)'' :'''Nicola:''' My primary focus is social mobility, that's very much my -- my Big Thing. :'''Ollie:''' Right. :'''Nicola:''' And I suppose I'm telling you that, really, partly to get your take on it and also so that you can, you know, start spreading the news and printing the posters and, uh, you know, fire up the turbo chargers, set the phases to equality: It's Murray time! :'''Glenn:''' The thing is – and Ollie, please correct me here if I'm wrong. :'''Ollie:''' I will certainly do that. :'''Glenn:''' Social mobility, making people richer, costs money. :'''Ollie:''' Yes, and we don't have any of that, really. :'''Nicola:''' Right. :'''Ollie:''' I mean, if you speak to Nick at the Treasury he will tell you the same, only with his annoying lisp. :'''Nicola:''' What you're telling me is that basically I'm gonna be a woman with a computer and some pens. :'''Ollie:''' Well, it's just a pen budget. :'''Nicola:''' I mean, I have about as much ''real'' power as [[wikipedia:The_Apprentice_(UK_TV_series)#The_Board|those twats who sit either side]] of [[Alan Sugar]]. :'''Ollie:''' Well – Yes. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Glenn and Ollie are in Nicola's office, trying to give her tips on how to deal with Malcolm. But before they can do so...Malcolm walks in.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(entering the office)'' Is this the No. 1 Ladies' Detective Agency? :'''Nicola:''' Malcolm Tucker! The real deal. Hello. :''(Malcolm and Nicola shake hands.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola, smiling)'' The real deal. Good to see you. You're looking great! ''(to Glenn and Ollie)'' All right, Hinge and Bracket, time to go and hang up your lady-cocks. :''(Glenn and Ollie leave, and Malcolm continues his conversation with Nicola.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Nicola Murray! Here you are, Secretary of State for the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship. :'''Nicola:''' Yep, I now have one of the longest job titles in Western politics. Thank God I don't have to wear a lapel badge. :'''Malcolm:''' It's a pity that we couldn't just make an abbreviation of it, you know, like PFI. Which I think stands for Pretty Fucking Imbarrassing. If you're a bit sloppy about the details, which clearly your fucking husband is. :'''Nicola:''' Okay, look, James works for Albany, fine. He wasn't even working there when the contract was awarded. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(smiling)'' Don't worry, don't worry. That was just me, that was... :'''Nicola:''' ''(getting the joke)'' Okay, right. Fine. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(serious again)'' I mean, that's the sort of thing the press will throw at you. I mean, you step out of line, they'll be all over you like a pigeon on a chip, you know? Is that your chair? :'''Nicola:''' Oh God, yeah. It's cool, isn't it? It's got, um, lumbar support. :'''Malcolm:''' Bin it. People don't like their politicians to be comfortable. They don't like you having expenses. They don't like you being paid. They'd rather you lived in a fucking cave. :'''Nicola:''' Ok, fine. So, uh, what should I be sitting on? Should I just get an upturned KFC bucket? :'''Malcolm:''' A fucking normal chair, right? Not a fucking massive vibrating throne. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Glenn, Ollie and Terri are watching Malcolm's conversation with Nicola outside the office...wondering if Nicola will keep any of them on.)'' :'''Glenn:''' Malcolm must be hating this. All these bright, fresh, new ministers to blood in ''and'' to plan a by-election. :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' If it's any consolation to you, a little bit of you will always be in this department, because she's nabbed your chair. Hasn't she? She's got your chair, and, in fact, your dandruff. :'''Glenn:''' Ha ha ha. If I go, that chair is coming with me. :'''Ollie:''' You know those old men you see who go to the park to read the paper? That'll be you. You could go in your chair. They'd make you King of All the Tramps. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Meanwhile, in Nicola's office...)'' :'''Malcolm:''' So, uh, you got three kids, yeah? :'''Nicola:''' Uh, I've got four. :'''Malcolm:''' Four! :'''Nicola:''' Yeah. Katie's 16, she's the eldest. She's just left school. :'''Malcolm:''' Not going to a college or university? :'''Nicola:''' Um, she's a bit of a rebel. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(concerned)'' What sort of a rebel? I mean, so, I mean, look, what are we talking here? Are we talking a pierced navel or holidays at Pakistani training camp? :'''Nicola:''' It's-it's chiefly heroin. ''(beat)'' Although she has cut down since getting pregnant by that Nigerian people-smuggler, because the track marks would have affected her porn career. :''(Terri has awkwardly entered the office. She politely apologizes for the interruption, but feels...a little awkward about the conversation taking place.)'' :'''Terri:''' I'm sorry to disturb. Um... ''(to Malcolm)'' Morning, Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' Morning, Terri. :'''Terri:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Just wanted to give you a few things here. That's change from the fruit salad. This is this morning's paper. Do excuse me. :''(Terri politely leaves the office...and Nicola resumes her chat with Malcolm.)'' :'''Nicola:''' Um, I'm surprised that you, uh, haven't vetted me, I thought you'd know about the kids. :'''Malcolm:''' It's just that 'cause you were just a sort of, you were a bit of a late-ish kind of appointment. :'''Nicola:''' Mmm. :'''Malcolm:''' That didn't quite give me the time to, you know, to "fuck the I'd and fist the T's," as Robert Robertson might say. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Sounds to me like that she's only bringing in, um, one other person, so...you know, I wonder whether she might keep one of us on permanently. :'''Terri:''' Thank God I'm safe. :'''Glenn:''' ''(annoyed)'' Je- We ''know'' you're safe, Terri! How do we know you're safe? We know your safe, because you keep using the word "safe," like bloody [[wikipedia:Jim_Bowen|Jim Bowen]]! :'''Ollie:''' ''(imitating Jim Bowen presenting [[wikipedia:Bullseye_(British_game_show)|Bullseye)]]'' Yeah, you've got DoSAC, that's safe. Do you want to go for the treasury, young lady? <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm and Nicola are now discussing her kids...including Nicola's 11-year-old daughter, who is starting secondary school in September.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Okay. Mrs. Walton. What about these other kids? What-what ages are they? :'''Nicola:''' They're 11, 9 and 5. :'''Malcolm:''' 11? :'''Nicola:''' Mmm-hmm. :'''Malcolm:''' So that's, uh, secondary school? :'''Nicola:''' No, she's, uh, still at primary, state primary. Lovely little school with, um, terrible SATS results, but, you know, really good kind of broad demographic and steel band. :'''Malcolm:''' So, she will be going to a secondary school, what, in September? :'''Nicola:''' Yeah, yeah. So, um...I-I can see where this is going. Um, it's not an issue. :'''Malcolm:''' Great! If it's not an issue, I'll just fucking toddle off, then. I'll go and have a nice relaxing wee sleep under my duvet. Probably won't even have to tug myself off, 'cause I'm so fucking relaxed about that. 'Cause I know that there is no fucking issue here. Right? :'''Nicola:''' She's not going to the comprehensive, Malcolm. She's going to a local independent school. :'''Malcolm:''' Jesus H fucking ''Corbett.'' Do you honestly think, do you honestly believe that as a minister you can get away with that? You are saying that, uh, that, that all your local state schools, ''all'' the schools that this government has drastically improved are knife-addled rape sheds, and that's not a big story? For fuck's sake. Sort it or abort it! :'''Nicola:''' Let's get this clear: My family is off limits, all right? This job is not gonna get anywhere near my husband and my kids, it just doesn't. :'''Malcolm:''' Of course it fucking does. As per the wee barcode and the serial number under your right armpit, you are now built and owned by the state, and you are under the spotlight 24 hours a day, darling! ''(beat)'' Do you know what you are? You're a fucking human dartboard, and [[wikipedia:Eric_Bristow|Eric fucking Bristow]]'s on the [[wikipedia:Oche|oche]] flinging a million darts made of human shit right at you. Can you take that? Can you? :'''Nicola:''' Okay, look. You, the "All-Swearing Eye." You didn't even know how many kids I had! You had to ask me! So who on Earth in the press is gonna even know or care? :'''Malcolm:''' Do you remember ''[[wikipedia:The Big Breakfast|The Big Breakfast]]''? Remember that programme? :'''Nicola:''' ''(exasperated)'' Yes! :'''Malcolm:''' You remember how [[wikipedia:Chris Evans (presenter)|Chris Evans]] started that? Do you remember it was a big success? And then they had that guy, [[wikipedia:Johnny Vaughan|Johnny Vaughan]], remember him? :'''Nicola:''' Uh-huh. :'''Malcolm:''' Everybody loved him. Fuck knows why, but they loved him. Do you know what this is here? This here is fucking Series 10 of ''The Big Breakfast.'' And do you know what you are? You're the fucking dinner lady that they have asked to come and present the show. The reason I didn't know about you and your children is 'cause you were so low down on the list of candidates for this job, I didn't even have the chance to look into you. ''(beat)'' So low. ''(beat)'' Wayyyyy way way way way way way way wayyy...low. :''(A brief pause...and then Malcolm starts up again.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' You are now being scrutinised for what you wear, what you say. For your hair, your shoes, your fucking earrings, your fucking cleavage ''and'' your dress, which, by the way, is ''way'' too loud! :'''Nicola:''' TOO LOUD?! :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, I'm getting fucking tinnitus here! Look. ''(beat)'' Your crooked husband, I can make go away. But your crooked husband combined with you being worried about your underage daughter coming home up the duff from some truanting bastard, I cannot. She goes to the comp, okay? :''(Malcolm finally leaves Nicola's office, allowing Nicola to recover from the Terrible Tucker Tornado.)'' :'''Nicola:''' ''(relieved)'' Oooh, God... <hr width="50%"/> :''(At Number 10, Malcolm sees Ed walking down the hall, all stressed out.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Hey, what's wrong with you? You look like you've shat a Lego garage or something. :'''Ed:''' Jim Lane's daughter is standing as an independent in Leamington Spa. :''(Malcolm and Ed start walking...)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(silently, to himself)'' For fuck's sake...fuck. ''(to Ed)'' This is gonna split our vote. :'''Ed:''' Do you think we're in trouble? Maybe we should have chosen her over Liam Bentley. :'''Malcolm:''' No. She thinks just because her dead fat-arse dad was the MP that gives her the right to be our candidate? No no no. This isn't Czarist Russia. It's not the fucking Dimblebys. :'''Ed:''' What do we do? :'''Malcolm:''' We send everyone up there, to support Liam Bentley, including the Prime Minister. :'''Ed:''' You want to send Tom up there? :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, fuck it, he'll be all right as long as he doesn't do the smile. You hit the phones, right? I'll be with you in two shakes of a crying baby. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' You have been asked by the PM, specifically, to pop along to Leamington, and do some photo ops with Liam Bentley, supporting him, yeah? :'''Nicola:''' I don't really have any choice, do I? :'''Malcolm:''' Of course you have a choice. You can decide exactly how you say yes. You can do it with a voice. Have fun with it. :'''Nicola:''' ''(Pause)'' Yes. ''(Beat)'' In my own voice. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' ''(on the phone)'' Well you know what, Howard, she's not bent, either in the sense of being corrupt or being gay. And by the way, that's an incredibly homophobic headline, you massive poof. ''(enters Nicola's office)'' You've got egg on your face, Howard, you over-easy pissbag. ''(hangs up. To Terri, Ollie and Glenn)'' Oh hey, [[Yoko Ono]] and the two remaining Beatles, piss off. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Nicola suspects that Malcolm set up the 'I am bent' photos)'' :'''Nicola:''' Malcolm. Sorry, can we just carry on talking about that thing? Was it you who positioned me there? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(waiting for a lift)'' Do you know what the first sign of madness is? Paranoia. Have you seen that film, you know, ''[[A Beautiful Mind (film)|A Beautiful Mind]]'', the one with that, er, [[Russell Crowe]]? The one where [[wikipedia:John_Forbes_Nash_Jr.|the maths guy]] thinks that the CIA are working away in his shed at the bottom of his garden? That's you. :'''Nicola:''' No. I'm not the mad one here. ''You'' are the mad one, you're Russell Crowe. :'''Malcolm:''' No, no, no, ''you'' are Russell Crowe. ''(waves patronisingly at her)'' And you need to fucking listen to me, Russell, you fucking Antipodean fucking kangaroo-loving fruitcake! See this poster stuff? That's fucking small fry. That's fucking whitebait, Russ me old [[wiktionary:cobber#English|cobber]]. ''(enters the lift)'' The really horrible stuff, that's all still about to happen to you, right? Right, you're coming in here so we can carry this on? :'''Nicola:''' What, now? :'''Malcolm:''' Err, if you can spare the time! :'''Nicola:''' Err, no. ''(Pause)'' No, I can't – I don't use lifts, I'm claustrophobic. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(incredulous)'' You're ''what?'' :'''Nicola:''' Not hugely, I can be in rooms, you've seen that, I just don't do lifts, that's all. :'''Malcolm:''' But this lift is – I mean, it's fucking huge! I mean, this is bigger than some rooms, this is bigger than some people's flats! :'''Nicola:''' It's about not being able to get out. :'''Malcolm:''' Oh, well that's great. That's fucking great, that's another fucking thing, right there: not only have you got a fucking bent husband and a fucking daughter that gets taken to school in a fucking sedan chair, you're also fucking ''mental!'' Jesus Christ, see you, you are a fucking ''[[w:omnishambles|omnishambles]]'', that's what you are. You're like that coffee machine, you know: "from bean to cup, you fuck up". :'''Nicola:''' ''(to herself, returning to her office)'' He so is Russell Crowe! :'''Terri:''' ''(at her desk, overhearing)'' Who? <hr width="50%"/> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Where the fuck is Doug Hayes? :'''Ed:''' Yes, we put in a lot of calls. :'''Malcolm:''' Well, put it a lot more calls: I'm talking 'psycho ex-girlfriend with a really good tariff'. <hr width="50%"/> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Glenn:''' Because if you are worried about Malcolm, well, you know, Ollie and I have amassed one or two tips, how to deal with him, over the years. It's pretty much common sense, really: don't drive a gas guzzler, don't sign up for [[wikipedia:Bupa|Bupa]], don't have an affair. Don't tell racist jokes, however ironic. :'''Nicola:''' Oh! :'''Glenn:''' Don't send your children to independent schools. :'''Ollie:''' Don't dig up [[Diana, Princess of Wales|Diana]] and have [[Patrick Moore]] play Nazi drinking songs on her ribs.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Ollie:''' Yeah I suppose so, he's gonna have to let her go free-range for a week, isn't he? Till after the by-election. Then he can snap her beak off, cram her into the battery cage; Nicola: 'I'm not really good with cages', ''(impersonates Malcolm)'' 'Get in there Nicola, fucking get in till you're perfectly square, and you're shiteing cuboid eggs!' :'''Terri:''' ''(sighing)'' Thank God I'm safe. I'm glued to this department and you'd have to steam me off. :'''Glenn:''' Yeah. Well you don't have to worry about me: You don't hang around in this business as long as I have without picking up contacts. :'''Ollie:''' Yes, but [[Benjamin Disraeli|Disraeli]]'s dead, Glenn, he died in the Crimea, did you not hear the town crier announce it?<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Malcolm:''' It's never too soon to go to Leamington. It's the Venice of the Midlands, if Venice was fucking horrible. :'''Malcolm:''' Have a lovely time in Leamington, yeah? I hear it's got the best [[wikipedia:Lidl|Lidl]] in the West Midlands.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Nicola:''' ''(at the poster launch in Leamington)'' And we need to be investing, er, at least – :'''Glenn:''' Invest? Did I hear her say 'invest'? :'''Terri:''' ''(on the phone)'' Ollie, she's gone off-piste, she's off the mountain now. :'''Glenn:''' Oh, Jesus. She's so far off the mountain, she's being finger-banged in a chalet by Bigfoot. == Series 3, Episode 2 == :''(Malcolm and Nicola are talking about a newspaper story calling for Nicola to be "sacked.")'' :'''Nicola:''' You've seen the sack race thing, I suppose. Yeah, there it is. :''(Malcolm, of course, thinks the story is funny.)'' :'''Nicola:''' It's not funny! It's not even accurate, because technically I was fourth. So, really, they should have said, "Fourth in the Sack race." I think we should complain to the PCC. :'''Malcolm:''' Look, stop worrying: the PM is not going to sack you after a week. Sacked after twelve months, looks like you've fucked up; sacked after a week, looks like ''he's'' fucked up. :'''Nicola:''' I'm not doing ''terribly'', am I? :''(beat)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(looking out of the car window)'' I love the way that they've sandblasted everything around here. It's so ''clean''! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nicola:''' I'd just like people to get to know the real me. You know, I feel like I'm coming across as a bit...Oh, I don't know. Glum. :'''Malcolm:''' Smug. :'''Nicola:''' Smug? :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, you're coming across as more smug than glum. :'''Nicola:''' 'Cause I am actually quite a fun person, underneath all of this. I've got loads of friends. :'''Malcolm:''' Well, I'm sure you have, but the trouble is when you say something like that, it sounds a wee bit smug. ''(to Nicola's driver)'' Can you just pull in over here? And you can take out that cyclist as you go in, I think he's [[wikipedia:Shadow_Cabinet|Shadow Cabinet]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Nicola)'' I have here the minutes which are a record and – :'''Ollie:''' No no no, you can't just overwrite minutes! You specifically can't do it, 'cause you can't unlock a PDF file. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Robyn:''' Do you know, Malcolm? ''(Malcolm stares back, gravely)'' Er, the best way to clear a paper jam? :'''Malcolm:''' I don't know. Kill a kid an hour until it sorts itself out? <hr width="50%" /> :''(Nicola is trying to talk to Malcolm...)'' :'''Nicola:''' So. Malcolm -- :'''Malcolm:''' Oh, oh, oh. Incoming body parts. Excuse me. (Malcolm answers his cell phone) Look, if this has got any bigger, you're gonna feel the thump of a fucking harpoon in your thorax. :'''Nicola:''' ''(to Robyn)'' Does he know? Well, follow him. :'''Malcolm:''' (still on his phone) I hope you like shitting toenails, because that's what you're gonna be doing all of next week. And don't worry, I've painted them yellow so they'll look like fucking sweet corn. :''(Robyn is trying to secretly follow Malcolm, but backs away when she sees him coming her way)'' :'''Malcolm:''' (on his phone) The guy's a fucking liability! (softly) Jesus Christ. Listen, I want... :''(Robin makes her way back towards the others, and they have to whisper so Malcolm doesn't hear them talking.)'' :'''Robyn:''' Look, I couldn't hear everything, he takes very long strides... :'''Ollie:''' What, are you a fucking penguin? Just run. :'''Robyn:''' Look, I'm a civil servant, not a fucking Olympic athlete! :''(Malcolm seems to be off his cell phone...)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Right. What's occurring, Hermann Goring? :''(But then his cell phone rings. Again.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' (annoyed) ''WHAT?'' (And then...Malcolm doesn't like what he hears...) You're fucking kidding me. Excuse me. ''(to Nicola and the team)'' Two minutes and I will be back. <hr width="50%"/> :''(On Nicola's orders, Robyn starts following Malcolm again. She's soon approached by Glenn.) :'''Glenn:''' Hi, Robyn! Hey, look. Um...You know Phil Davis? Is he a Davies or a Davis? :'''Robyn:''' I know you don't like me, Glenn, but you're not sacking me. :'''Glenn:''' What? :''(Both Glenn and Robyn are smiling and laughing at each other falsely throughout their conversation...)'' :'''Glenn:''' (still laughing) I'm protecting you. :'''Robyn:''' Okay, well, you know, I've got your back as well. Even though I know you are the guy who authorized the wiping of the back-up. :'''Glenn:''' Well, that may or may not be true. :'''Robyn:''' Well, it is true. :'''Glenn:''' Well, it may or it may not be true. :'''Robyn:''' Well, that is true. <hr width="50%"/> :''(After spending a long time on his cell phone, Malcolm finally makes his way back to Nicola's office to see her and the staff. This time, he's making his entrance by jokingly pretending to be the Big Bad Wolf.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' (in a gruff voice) ''Little pigs...Little PIGS...Let me come in. Don't worry about the hair on your chinny-chin-chin.'' (Malcolm's still smiling.) :'''Nicola:''' So what was your call? :'''Malcolm:''' What was my call? :'''Glenn:''' Did you... :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' You want to know what my call was? :'''Nicola:''' Was it important? :'''Malcolm:''' I'm sorry, I didn't realize that I had to run my calls through your bed-wetters' switchboard here. I usually just dial 1-1-Hate. :'''Nicola:''' Malcolm, do you know? :'''Ollie:''' Obviously, he knows. :'''Glenn:''' No, he ''doesn't'' know. :''(Nicola decides to come clean to Malcolm.)'' :'''Nicola:''' There has been a massive irretrievable data loss. The last seven months' worth of new immigrant details have gone, apparently lost in the computer. :''(Malcolm can't help but smile and chuckle with disbelief...)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Do you know what, you know what's really fucking sad here is that I don't even have the energy to pretend I already knew. Which is for the best, because I'm gonna need all of my fucking energy to fucking rip all of your bodies to bits with my bare hands and sell off, ''(sees Nicola gesture to herself)'' yeah, sell off your fucking flayed skin, as a ''sleeping bag! To a fucking normal person!'' :'''Nicola:''' Can I just say that getting angry actually isn't gonna help anything. I've done anger, I'm currently at grief, I'm working my way towards, er, bargaining, whatever, you know – you're behind me. :'''Malcolm:''' So what is your great strategy for dealing with this? Come on: I mean, I'm fucking all ears, I'm fucking [[Andrew Marr]] here! :'''Nicola:''' So let's – Terri, let's hear what you – :'''Malcolm:''' Let's go, let's get going, high-level tactical discussion, I'm up for it! :'''Terri:''' Right, er, blaming the department minister might be a high-risk strategy. :'''Malcolm:''' Oh, high-risk: saucy! Power serve! :'''Nicola:''' My pitch would be: this department is fatally flawed, it's out of condition, it's obese, it's asthmatic. :'''Malcolm:''' That's it girl, back over the net. :'''Glenn:''' You need to be really sure about that, Nicola. :'''Malcolm:''' Yes, wise words from the distinguished elderly gay fucking tennis coach here. :'''Ollie:''' Seriously, I think we should talk about my strategy further because I really think that that's the way. :'''Malcolm''' ''(interrupting)'': Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, the fucking wee ball boy's having a go now with his wee fucking tight shorts on! ''(to Robyn, who has returned with a tray of drinks)'' What about [[wikipedia:Sue_Barker|Sue Barker]]'s little sister here? What's she got to say? You got something to say, to add to the conversation? :'''Robyn:''' No, er, just that there was no lemon zinger so, um, ''(to Nicola)'' this is coffee, is that all right? :'''Malcolm:''' Do ''The Guardian'' know about this? :'''Nicola:''' Oh fuck, I don't – Fucking ''Guardian'', I don't know. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, as it's referred to in my department. :'''Terri:''' Should I find out? Get some feelers? :'''Malcolm''' ''(looking at Terri's breasts)'': Yeah go on, get your feelers out for the lads. :'''Nicola:''' What do you think, Malcolm? Shitting on the department, will that work? :'''Malcolm:''' Yes, let's cause a little bit of friction. Let's fire someone. What about Glenn? :'''Ollie:''' No, you can't just fire Glenn like that! :'''Nicola:''' We could fire Glenn. :'''Terri:''' Shall I get his file? :'''Glenn:''' No! I've got a list! :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' See, there you are, he's got a list. :''(They're all leaving Nicola's office)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' You're a new broom, you're sweeping up trouble with one end, broom-handling incompetent staff up the tunnel with the other. :'''Nicola:''' So, Malcolm, how do we play it at ''The Guardian?'' :'''Malcolm:''' (smiling uncomfortably) Smile! Be gay! Smile, smile, smile! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm''' ''(arriving at Nicola's'' Guardian ''lunch)'': Afternoon, ladies! I heard there were sandwiches and I'm a fucker for cress – No no no, please don't get up, I'm not [[wikipedia:Sildenafil|Viagra]]. Geoffrey. ''(shakes hands)'' :'''Geoffrey:''' Always a pleasure. :'''Malcolm:''' Good to see you. John, how are you doing? ''(John gets up to shake hands)'' I just want to tell you, I really enjoyed your novel. :'''John:''' Oh, thank you very much! :'''Malcolm:''' Way of writing a fucking awful story. Joking, joking!<hr width="50%" /> :''(Nicola has accidentally revealed the data loss to an on-the-record journalist.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' FUCK'S SAKE! Jesus – Christ! Well, now we've got another fucking adjective to add to fucking 'smug' and 'glum', haven't we?! Fucking 'RETARDED'! JESUS Ch– Do you not think it would be germane to ''check'' who you're talking to?! IT'S A FUCKING NEWSPAPER OFFICE! IT'S NOT A FUCKING SANATORIUM FOR THE FUCKING DEAF, IS IT?! ARE YOU ''SO'' DENSE?! Am I gonna have to run around, slapping badges on people, with a big tick on some and a big cross on others, so you know ''when'' to shut your gob and when to open it?! Jesus Christ! Oh, but that'll probably confuse you as well, won't it?! That'll be too confusing! You'd see the cross and go "Oh, fuck! X marks the spot! Better tell this little person all about the Prime Minister's fucking CATASTROPHIC ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION!" Oh, but not to worry, not to worry, you've sent fucking Ollie over there to deal with it. ''(Nicola tries to speak)'' FUCKING OLLIE! HE'S A FUCKING- HE'S A FUCKING KNITTED SCARF, THAT TWAT, HE'S A FUCKING BALACLAVA! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nicola:''' It just seems to me that all we'd be losing if we got rid of Robyn is somebody who makes a weak cup of tea, you know, I don't think we've – ''(mobile rings)'' Shit, Malcolm. ''(answers)'' Hello? :'''Malcolm''' ''(in his office)'': Get over here, now. Might be advisable to wear brown trousers, and a shirt the colour of blood. ''(hangs up)'' :'''Nicola:''' Fuck. :'''Glenn:''' Has he run off? He does that. :'''Nicola:''' Yeah, it's all just gone really [[wikipedia:HBO|HBO]].<hr width="50%" /> :''(Nicola and Terri sit down in Malcolm's office.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' I just wanted to say to you, by way of introductory remarks, that I'm ''extremely'' miffed about today's events and, in my quest to try and make you understand the level of my, um, unhappiness, I'm likely to use an awful lot of what we would call ''violent sexual imagery'', and I just wanted to check that neither of you would be terribly offended by that. :'''Nicola:''' I could actually do without the theatrics, I think, Malcolm – :'''Malcolm:''' Enough. E-fucking-nough. You need to learn to shut your fucking cave, right? Today, you have laid your first big fat egg of solid fuck. You took the data loss media strategy, and you ate it with a lump of ''[[w:Escherichia coli|E. coli]]''. And then you sprayed it our of your arse at 300 miles per hour. :'''Nicola:''' I simply made a mistake, Malcolm – :'''Malcolm:''' You got [[wikipedia:Source_(journalism)#"Speaking_terms"|'on the record' and 'off the record']] fucking mixed up! What would have happened if, like, [[wikipedia:George_Martin|George Martin]] had done that? We'd have no fucking Beatles, that's what. Now, I don't give a fuck about that: I've had to fucking sit next to [[wikipedia:Paul McCartney|Paul McCartney]] at fucking [[wikipedia:Chequers|Chequers]]! :'''Nicola:''' The data loss wasn't my fault. :'''Malcolm:''' Fine, yeah, but I tell you what, it came out fucking pretty fast once you were in there, didn't it? Which makes me wonder, should I just go and talk to the boss? Should I go and tell him, "I don't think she's up to the job"? :'''Nicola:''' You said yourself that if he sacks me after a week it looks like ''he's'' fucked up. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, but that was before, when your only problem was a fucking shit pun in a newspaper, and a face like[[w: Dot Cotton | Dot Cotton]] licking piss off a nettle! :'''Nicola:''' ''Okay'', I messed up, right? I messed up! But I will from now on listen to every bit of advice you give me. Yeah, I'll go on ''Question Time'' wearing a push-up bra and a fez. Yeah, I'll do the hustings on stilts if that is what you tell me the strategy is. Because you know about that stuff, Malcolm. I know that. It's just that I've got things I want to do, all right? :'''Malcolm:''' Of course you do, like Montessori fucking rocking horses, I suppose. :'''Nicola:''' No, no. :'''Malcolm:''' ''The Mail'' have the motherlode on this, right? So that means that there is a way through this for us, but it entails you, my dear, eating a complete concrete mixer full of humble pie. :''(Terri speaks for the first time in the meeting)'' :'''Terri:''' ''(with pen and diary ready)'' Right, what's the strategy? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(dramatic growl)'' The [[wikipedia:Kraken|Kraken]] awakes! :'''Terri:''' No no no, it's just that, I mean, this is the first bit of the meeting that hasn't been about expletives and fezzes and stilts and [[wikipedia:Teabagging|teabagging]], I mean, this is the bit that relates to media management. :'''Malcolm:''' I didn't say anything about teabagging. Do you even know what teabagging is? :'''Terri:''' Not really, no; er, I'm told it's unpleasant.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Nicola:''' I don't know where 'smug' comes from, I mean, I've aged ten years in the past week: I looked at myself in the mirror this morning and I thought, 'Fuck me, it's a [[wikipedia:Pantomime_dame|pantomime dame]]'. So an informal off-the-record lunch meet at ''The Guardian'': apparently it's a sort of shoot-the-breeze, you know, 'Have you seen the latest [[Mad Men|''Mad Men'']]? Isn't [[wikipedia:Andrew_Neil|Andrew Neil]] a jerk?' sort of thing. :'''Malcolm:''' ''The Guardian''? Don't tell them any fucking anecdotes about your children, or they'll offer you a fucking column.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Nicola:''' Right, when I came into this department I thought, 'OK. Let's turn a fresh page.' So I turned a fresh page, and you collectively have drawn a ''gigantic fucking cock'' on it!<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Glenn''' ''(to Robyn)'': Part of the strategy is to warn us when Malcolm is coming back, so it's your job to block the path. You're [[wikipedia:The_300_Spartans|the Spartans]] at [[wikipedia:Battle_of_Thermopylae|Thermopylae]]. You're [[wikipedia:Richard_Egan_(actor)|Richard Egan]] with an oily chest. :''(later, in Nicola's office)'' :'''Ollie:''' One possible strategy might be not to tell anybody. :'''Glenn:''' What, we keep it a secret? :'''Robyn''' ''(running in)'': Sorry, sorry. Malcolm's coming. Sorry. :'''Glenn:''' What? You were meant to be delaying him, you're supposed to be the Spartans! :'''Robyn:''' Well I couldn't really remember what the Spartans did, I'm not as old as you, Glenn!<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Marianne Swift:''' Data, exactly, I heard what you said about your data loss. :'''Malcolm:''' Did you say that? :'''Nicola:''' No, er, well I don't remem– I don't recognise those words, and I don't recognise you! :'''Marianne Swift:''' What? :'''Malcolm:''' So you see, the Minister may just have misspoke. But what she said was just words, right, not real statements. You know, that's like – you know, if there was a blast of wind over a harp, and it hit the strings, this wind, and it made the harp accidentally say, 'I'm a cat fucker', would that mean that that harp was actually a cat fucker, in real life, in reality? In the world we live in? :'''Nicola:''' Yeah, that's a really good question, yeah. == Series 3, Episode 3 == :''(Today is the day of the big Party Conference.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(on his cell phone)'' We need to persuade Matt Delaney not to [[wikipedia:Crossing_the_floor#Changing_parties|cross the floor]]. I think we should use the [[wikipedia:Carrot_and_stick|carrot-and-stick]] approach, yeah. You take a carrot, you stick it up his fucking arse, followed by the stick, followed by an even bigger, rougher carrot. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Nicola and Ollie arrive at Glenn's hotel room, where Glenn has already arrived and waiting for them.)'' :'''Glenn:''' Ah, you got past mad conference security, then? :'''Nicola:''' It's bonkers, isn't it? It's like trying to get through Israeli customs wearing a T-shirt saying, "I heart bombing Israel." :'''Glenn:''' I know. I mean, I had to wait for an hour and they practically gave me a cavity search. :'''Ollie:''' Aw, only practically? The sense of disappointment in your voice is almost palpable. :''(Nicola notices the size of Glenn's room.)'' :'''Nicola:''' Oh, your bed's bigger than mine. In fact, your whole room's bigger than mine. :'''Glenn:''' ''(feeling awkward)'' Well, um...Do you want it? :'''Ollie:''' "Mr. Lova Lova," full marks for foreplay there, Glenn, straight in. :'''Nicola:''' ''(reassuring Glenn)'' Do I want your room? No, honestly. I just thought they'd all be the same, sort of vanilla and monotonous. :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Did you ask them for your special tiny kettle? :'''Nicola:''' ''(chuckling)'' It's an electric thimble. :'''Ollie:''' Maybe the room only looks bigger because Glenn's kettle is so tiny! :''(The three of them now shift their discussion to more serious and important business.)'' :'''Nicola:''' ''(to Glenn)'' So, has our People's Champion arrived? Have you spoken to her? Is she alright? :'''Glenn:''' Oh no no no no, she should be over it by now. Her husband died, what, 4 months ago? So, I mean, she's beyond the crying phase. :'''Ollie:''' She's clearly not that over it, Glenn. She's leading a public campaign to change building regulations. :'''Nicola:''' Yeah, well, you know, 7 people died when that café collapsed. She's entitled to her 15 minutes. How do you think I should, um... mention the tragedy when I talk to her? :'''Ollie:''' Just, um, "Sorry for your loss, thoughts with you at this very difficult time," yada yada yada, all of, you know... Not-Without the "yada yada yada" bit, obviously. :'''Nicola:''' Am I gonna need some jokes for my speech? :'''Glenn:''' Oh, do you think that's a good idea? :'''Nicola:''' Not collapsing café jokes. :'''Glenn:''' No. :'''Ollie:''' That's a shame, I had a bunch of those. Thought you could call them, uh, the Little Chef Seven. You know, Special of the Day: Crumble! :'''Nicola:''' See, that's not funny. <hr width="50%"/> :''(John Duggan, a press officer at the conference, arrives at Nicola's room to introduce himself to Nicola and her team.)'' :'''John Duggan:''' Howdy Doody, Minister. I'm John Duggan, your press officer at the conference. :'''Nicola:''' Oh, hello. Nicola Murray, hi. :'''John:''' How was your holiday? :'''Nicola:''' Ah, well, you know, we wanted to go to Florida but Malcolm 'suggested' we went to [[wikipedia:Suffolk|Suffolk]], and so the kids were miserable, weather was miserable, and Malcolm rang and shouted at me for looking miserable. :'''John:''' I saw the photo of you, in the wellies next to the horse. 'Why the long face?' It was funny. ''(Nicola looks up, unimpressed)'' Or not, depending on your perspective. Still, things are looking up: you're in [[wikipedia:Eastbourne|Eastbourne]] now, which really is the jewel in the crown of our shit seaside resorts. [[wikipedia:Clacton-on-Sea|Clacton]] of the South West, they call it.<hr width="50%"/> :''(Nicola is trying to get John to push through the press a story about Peter Mannion taking a second holiday, which would put Peter in a negative light.)'' :'''Nicola:''' John, are you across this thing about, um, Peter Mannion lining up a second holiday? :'''John:''' Um, Mannion, right, yeah. :'''Nicola:''' Peter Mannion, my opposite number, you know? :'''John:''' Yes. :'''Nicola:''' Okay, good. So you're going to push that for the press for me, yeah? 'Cause I just want to remind people that while he's criticizing us over the recession, he's, you know, swanning around on his friend's massive yacht. :'''John:''' Oh, okay. "He's gay." :'''Glenn:''' Oh, for fuck... :'''Ollie:''' No, not gay. :'''Nicola:''' It's a hypocrisy thing. :'''John:''' (stammering) Yeah, well, I mean, in-in-in in principle, yeah. But it-it it is conference, so my to-do list is longer than a big willy. :'''Nicola:''' John, without wishing to sound blunt...Um, actually, you know what? Fuck it, let's sound blunt. ''(bluntly)'' It is your job. :'''John:''' I'll do what I can. That is a Duggan promise. :''(John leaves the room.)'' :'''Nicola:''' He's not gonna do it, is he? :'''Glenn:''' Absolutely fucking useless. :'''Nicola:''' He's completely not gonna do it. <hr width="50%"/> :''(John returns just as the group is discussing Julie Price, Nicola's "People's Champion.")'' :'''Ollie:''' ''(to John)'' Glenn says that she's changed her Facebook status to 'single and up for it', ''(John starts laughing)'' which I believe is actually why Glenn brought her here in the first place. :'''Glenn:''' Listen, John: There's an outside chance that she may just prefer to meet a human being, so I'm gonna come down with you. :'''Ollie:''' Good idea, you can buy her a coffee, can't you – you could maybe buy her a Collapsuccino. :'''John:''' ''(laughing)'' Might bring back memories of her latte husband. As in late husband. We're like [[wikipedia:Dick_and_Dom|Dick and Dom]], aren't we? Great chemistry. :'''Glenn:''' Yeah. Except neither one of [[wikipedia:Dick_(slang)|you]] are Doms. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Nicola is in the bathroom -- on her cell phone, though. She's having a chat with Terri, who's driving her car while talking to Nicola.)'' :'''Nicola:''' Terri, hi, it's me. :'''Terri:''' ''(on the phone, happily)'' Hi, Nicola! :'''Nicola:''' Have you read up about this Peter Mannion second holiday thing on the Dig Deep blog? :'''Terri:''' No, no, I haven't actually seen that. Where's he off to? :'''Nicola:''' Amalfi. So could you make a few phone calls? See if you can get it some press traction? :'''Terri:''' I'm sorry, I just can't do that. That's a party political matter. You're gonna have to get John Duggan onto that, 'cause it's his responsibility. :'''Nicola:''' Trouble is, Terri, that the only thing John Duggan is doing here is depriving a village somewhere of a twat. :'''Terri:''' Ah, yes, I've heard he's about as useless as a chocolate teapot. Although I probably shouldn't say that, sounds a bit racist, doesn't it? :'''Nicola:''' Where are you, Terri? :'''Nicola:''' I'm ju-just on the way down to Hastings to see my sister. Poor thing, having some trouble shifting a piano. So what I'm doing is I'm working from home today. :'''Nicola:''' No, you're not working and you're not at home, so as my 16-year old would say, "You are totally busted." :''(And make no mistake -- Terri is totally busted! She exhales, knowing Nicola has caught her in a lie.)'' <hr width="50%"/> :''(In this scene, Nicola and Ollie are working on her upcoming speech.)'' :'''Nicola:''' OK, right, what have we got on the workplace gym reward scheme? :'''Ollie:''' Er, fighting obesity is one of the biggest challenges we face, sleepwalking into a crisis, ticking time bomb – :'''Nicola:''' You write almost entirely in generic meaningless buzzwords, don't you? :'''Ollie:''' I could take it more street, if you prefer – 'You is all proper bloaters and it is well gay, biatch' – but, you know, this is the language – :'''Nicola:''' No, but, you know – I just don't want to come across all [[wikipedia:Nanny_state|nanny-state]] and sort of – 'Death by Chocolate is not a funny name for a pudding, it's a real and genuine concern', you know, I don't want to give the press another opportunity to see me as Mrs. Sour Power Vinegar Tits sucking on a lemon. :'''Ollie:''' Fine, I understand, so we'll sugar-coat it. :'''Nicola:''' Well, leaven it, ideally, with a couple of jokes. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, all right, no problemo. :''(Nicola then gives Ollie a "Well?" look.)'' :'''Ollie:''' Now-Now? Jokes now? :'''Nicola:''' Yeah. :'''Ollie:''' OK, how about: 'We want people to be fit, not fit to burst'? :'''Nicola:''' I'm gonna have to go down the slapstick route, aren't I? Do the speech straight, but dressed as Freddie Starr's Hitler. <hr width="50%"/> :''(In this scene, Ollie has introduced Malcolm to Julie Price, the "People's Champion" that Nicola is announcing in her speech. Malcolm is genuinely warm and empathetic towards Julie.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Julie Price...I'm so sorry for your loss. Hey, you're being looked after well enough, yeah? :'''Julie Price:''' Yeah, not bad. :'''Malcolm:''' You stick with Ollie. He's...yeah, he's a good guy. I know he looks a bit like an anorexic [[wikipedia:Leo Sayer|Leo Sayer]] there. Listen, could I have a photograph taken with you? :'''Julie:''' Who, me? :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. I've got a little correction of memories, you know. [[Nelson Mandela|Mandela]] and stuff. ''(to Ollie)'' Ollie, would you be so kind as to do the honor, good sir? :''(Ollie takes a picture of Malcolm and Julie together.)'' :'''Julie:''' ''(to Malcolm, happily)'' You're a stunner, ye. :'''Malcolm:''' No, no, you're a stunner. You really are. Very impressive. You know, I'm not the only one who finds you impressive. The PM...he finds you very impressive. :'''Julie:''' That's good. :'''Ollie:''' Well, great. :'''Malcolm:''' I think that there is a point in his speech today... :'''Julie:''' Mmm? :'''Malcolm:''' ...where he would be very honored to introduce you. Is that something that would interest you? :'''Julie:''' Yeah. :'''Ollie:''' Yes, it might clash, though, with, uh, with Nicola's championing of Julie's cause. :'''Julie:''' Oh, God. Look, the nerves are getting to us. I need to use your bog. :''(Poor Julie has to go to the bathroom...)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, that's the ladies there. :''(Ollie doesn't like what Malcolm's doing.)'' :'''Ollie:''' Malcolm, you can't...You can't do that. She's our bonus track. She's our DVD Easter egg. We need her for the speech. :'''Malcolm:''' Boo-fucking-hoo. Can do and have done. :'''Ollie:''' Yes, but that...What, in two hours, two hours, think of a whole new speech? :'''Malcolm:''' Oh, welcome to the Men's Room! Jesus Christ, listen. It's this simple, right? If she goes on with Nicola, she'll be watched by 15 housebound mouth-breathers. Oh, and by the ever-swelling ranks of the unemployed, who fucking hate us, by the way. But if she goes on with Tom, she'll make the 10 o'clock news, right? :''(Julie has finally returned, AND...)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Julie, hi. Feel better? :'''Julie:''' Yeah, good. :'''Malcolm:''' Yes. Now what's it gonna be, Julie darling? Do you want to go with the teas maid...or with the caravan? :'''Julie:''' ''(excited)'' I'm going with the caravan. That is the Prime Minister? :'''Malcolm:''' That is the Prime Minister, yes. :'''Julie:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Sorry, Ollie. It's nice to meet you. :'''Malcolm:''' Julie, this way, come on. Are you actually in the hotel, or are you staying... :''(As Malcolm and Julie leave together, Ollie runs back to Glenn's room to alert Glenn and Nicola of the bad news.)'' <hr width="50%"/> :''(Nicola and Glenn are in her room trying to write her speech...)'' :'''Glenn:''' "So, joking aside..." Of course, we haven't fucking got those yet. :'''Nicola:''' I know. :'''Glenn:''' Whatever they are, right... :''(When all of a sudden, Ollie re-enters the room.)'' :'''Ollie:''' ''(anxious as hell)'' Right, right. :'''Glenn:''' "It's now my great pleasure -- " ''(to Ollie)'' We're just doing the... :'''Ollie:''' No no no, listen. Um -- listen! :'''Glenn:''' What? :'''Ollie:''' You know when something, well, something bad, but you know when something bad happens and you think it's not as bad as... :'''Nicola:''' What's happened? :'''Glenn:''' Where's Julie? :'''Ollie:''' Malcolm's commandeered Julie for the PM's speech. We bumped into each other and he... :'''Glenn:''' What do you mean he's ''commandeered'' her? You're supposed to be looking after her, for fuck's sake! :'''Nicola:''' No, no, no, no, no, he hasn't. No. :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' We can't even fucking trust you to babysit! :'''Ollie:''' ''Malcolm'' took her... :'''Glenn:''' Just say no! :'''Ollie:''' ''(getting defensive)'' You don't just say no! :'''Glenn:''' What part of "no" don't you understand? :'''Ollie:''' Babysitting isn't a fucking... :''(Nicola starts pounding and stomping on a pillow -- pretending that the pillow is Malcolm!)'' :'''Nicola:''' ''MALCOLM! FUCKING -- FUCK MALCOLM! FUCK MALCOLM! FUCK MALCOLM! FUCK MALCOLM! FUCK MALCOLM!'' :'''Ollie:''' Well, um, that was my, uh, initial reaction as well. :'''Glenn:''' Deep breath, Nicola. :'''Nicola:''' Yes, yes I know. Thank you, thank you, FUCK OFF! Thank you! :'''Glenn:''' Right, yes. What do you want us to do? :''(Nicola pushes Glenn and Ollie out of the way and runs to the bathroom.) :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Do you want your Rescue Remedy? :'''Nicola:''' No, fuck off! ''(Nicola takes a few deep breaths...)'' Get me some ketamine. I want to separate my mind from my body. :'''Glenn:''' Jesus Christ, poor Nicola. I'm going to go and talk to the bastard. :'''Ollie:''' Yes. :'''Glenn:''' Take some reasonable... :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn, sarcastically)'' Yeah, that's right, rip your shirt off! Go on, Braveheart! FREEDOM! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' Listen, just casually mention to Alan Dunn and, er, Lindsay Anorexi at the Mail, that the PM has brought Julie Price to the conference. :'''John:''' That's not strictly true, though, is it? :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well ''[[wikipedia:Strictly Come Dancing|Strictly Come Dancing]]'' isn't strictly dancing, is it? They also have a bit at the beginning where [[wikipedia:Bruce_Forsyth|an old man]] ''dribbles''. So what? :'''John:''' Well, I didn't really follow that. Um, my point is... :''(Malcolm sees Glenn coming his way...and Glenn's pretty darn mad now.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Oh, Glenn, right. Okay, mate, look, I can see that you're a tad peeved. :'''Glenn:''' I'm not having it. You've gone too far. :'''Malcolm:''' Hey, get a grip, Glenn. I didn't fucking come in your mouth. :''(John starts laughing)'' :'''Glenn:''' ''(to John, angrily)'' Are you in on this? :'''John:''' Oh, God, no, no, no. I'm just obeying orders, you know, like a Nazi guard. (John jokingly gives the Nazi salute.) Only in a non-gassy way. :''(to Julie)'' You're not Jewish, are you? :'''Julie:''' No. :'''John:''' ''(relieved)'' Oh, good. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to John)'' Can you just take her? :'''John:''' Oh, yeah, uh... ''(to Julie)'' Why don't you go in here? There's some important people and biscuits in there. Have a coffee. Didn't mean to bring back bad memories. :'''Julie:''' ''(confused)'' What are you on about? :'''John:''' Your husband dying in a café. :''(While John takes Julie into the room, Malcolm and Glenn continue their argument.)'' :'''Glenn:''' You can't just take her! That's people trafficking! :'''Malcolm:''' Am I being threatened by [[wikipedia:Harold Bishop|Harold fucking Bishop]]? :'''Glenn:''' No, Malcolm... :''(John comes back into the hallway to try and make peace...)'' :'''John:''' Okay, guys, can we just... :''(But then, Malcolm sees Ollie coming to join the shenanigans.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Oh, shit, wow, here's the beige fucking Power Ranger now. :'''Glenn:''' Yeah, and we're taking her back! :'''Malcolm:''' Do not make this a disciplinary issue. Do you hear me, soldier? :'''Glenn:''' I found her! I fucking found her! :'''Malcolm:''' She was on the fucking news! Get this guy out of here! :''(NOW, tempers are flaring!)'' :'''John:''' Can we get a bit more sane about this, please? :'''Malcolm:''' It is not a fucking discussion. :'''John:''' Right, nobody argue. :'''Glenn:''' I am going to go in there and I am going to take her! :'''Malcolm:''' You will fucking not! :'''Glenn:''' Fuck off! Fuck -- :''(And then -- Malcolm punches Glenn in the NOSE! Ollie catches Glenn's fall.)'' :'''Ollie:''' Jesus Christ! :'''John:''' Oh my God... :'''Malcolm:''' You've hurt yourself. :'''John:''' I've got so much on, as it is. :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' You hit me! :'''Malcolm:''' I did not hit you! I went to hit the fucking wall and pulled my fist back and hit you in the fucking face instead! :'''Glenn:''' I think you've broken my nose! :'''Malcolm:''' No no no, that's just a scratch, mate! :'''John:''' Noses can't break, anyway. That's a myth. :'''Glenn:''' ''(to John)'' What the fuck are you talking about? :'''Malcolm:''' Look, look, just lean forward. You know, you want the blood to flow out of your nose, not down your throat like a fucking gurgling drain. :'''Glenn:''' Don't touch me! :'''Ollie:''' ''(feeling sorry for Glenn)'' Look at him. :'''Glenn:''' Have you got a hanky? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' You go look after Julie, right? ''(to John)'' John, let's get Glenn back to his room. :'''John:''' Okay, yeah. :''(Malcolm's now looking around for possible witnesses)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to John)'' Nobody saw that, did they? :'''John:''' No, it's like when a fight starts, you're just like, "Fight, fight, fight!" :''(Ollie and Julie are coming near)'' :'''Julie:''' All right? All right? :'''Ollie:''' If we can just get... :''(Julie notices that Glenn's holding his nose.)'' :'''Julie:''' Is he okay? :''(The guys are pretending Glenn's OK.)'' :'''Ollie:''' He's fine, he's fine. :'''Malcolm:''' He's just got a nosebleed. :''(Ollie and Julie leave peacefully, BUT...)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to John)'' Say, you... :'''John:''' Yeah. :'''Malcolm:''' If you breathe a word of this, right? :'''John:''' Mmm-hmm. :'''Malcolm:''' Listen to me, Richard fucking Stilgoe, you fucking jazzy bastard! :'''John:''' I am listening. :'''Malcolm:''' Help me here! Let's get fucking Noses Supposes back to his fuck... :''(But Glenn is GONE!)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Where is he? :'''John:''' I don't know. :'''Malcolm:''' Jesus Christ! Come on! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nicola:''' I think you should leave. :'''Malcolm:''' Oh, do you? :'''Nicola:''' Yes! ''(beat)'' What, are you gonna hit me? :'''Malcolm:''' I don't fucking hit women. :'''Ollie:''' Except Glenn, obviously. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Just you fucking leave Glenn out of this Glenn's been through enough as it is. ''(to Glenn, who is in the bathroom)'' Listen mate, I'm really – I'm really sorry, right, I'm really sorry about what happened in the heat of the fucking moment, yeah? I'm under a lot of pressure right now, I'm trying to plug a lot of leaks out there; I had my [[wikipedia:Hans_Brinker,_or_The_Silver_Skates#Popular_culture:_the_legend_of_the_boy_and_the_dike|finger in the dyke]], but the dyke's very very squirty. :'''Ollie:''' Is it Fat Pat? I've heard that she's, er – :'''Malcolm:''' Shut up. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' Now that you've lost [[wikipedia:Geordie|Geordie]] Julie, the merry fucking widow, you've got a hole in your speech. Right, so have we got a contingency for that? :'''Nicola:''' Yeah, we'll figure it out, thank you. :'''Malcolm:''' Well look, why don't I help you? Let's roll some tits up the flagpole, and see if anyone gets wood! :'''Nicola:''' Oh Christ, it's like being trapped in a fucking boys' toilet. Right, all we've got is Mannion's second holiday, we need to take the piss out of that. :'''Ollie:''' OK, how about, er, "He's called Peter 'Two Holidays' Mannion"? :'''Malcolm:''' Glenn. :'''Glenn:''' Erm, 'He's, erm – works really hard – at planning his holidays'? :'''Malcolm:''' That's really fucking quality fucking explosive sarcasm you're lobbing at them, mate. Boom. :'''Glenn:''' I feel I'm in a therapy group being run by my own rapist. :'''Malcolm:''' Right, okay, well, how about... :''(Suddenly, everybody's cell phones are ringing...)'' :'''Glenn:''' Oh my God...it's got out. :'''Ollie:''' No, really? I thought it was room service cold-calling. :'''Malcolm:''' Who the fuck is leaking this out there? ''(to Ollie)'' Find out who's pissing this over the wall. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, w-well, the thing about the Internet, Malcolm, is it's quite big... :'''Malcolm:''' IT'S ON ROB HOLT'S BLOG! :'''Ollie:''' I don't know what he looks like. I don't... :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' You need to get your people's champion out of this hotel before some tabloid minge-flannel starts soft-soaping her. :'''Nicola:''' So we've got her back again now. Is that right? :'''Malcolm:''' Don't be so fucking touchy about this! I've a lot to fucking deal with here! :'''Nicola:''' ''(sarcastically)'' ''MY'' responsibility again ''NOW!'' Doesn't matter about the speech. That's fine, Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, it does fucking matter! :''(Nicola then slams the bathroom door.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Women, huh? Women slam the door, where did this idea come from, huh? ''(bangs on the bathroom door)'' [[w:The Flintstones|WILMAAA]]! Fuck off! :'''Nicola:''' ''(from inside the bathroom)'' I'm making a phone call. :'''Malcolm:''' Make a phone call! [[wikipedia:Who_Wants_to_Be_a_Millionaire?_(UK_game_show)#Lifelines|Phone a fucking friend]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Nicola makes her phone call to...Terri.)'' :'''Terri:''' ''(answering in a sing-song voice)'' Hello? :'''Nicola:''' Terri, it's-it's Nicola again. We're at DEFCON 1. Or-Or 5, or whichever the really bad one is. :'''Terri:''' ''(looking out her car window)'' You stupid pillock! Oh, boy racers. :'''Nicola:''' ''(getting desperate)'' Terri, can you harness that anger and bring it down to Eastbourne, please? I desperately need you to come down and help me. :'''Terri:''' ''(replying to Nicola)'' The problem is this party political problem, because I'm a civil servant and I cannot possibly be seen to have anything to do with a party conference. :'''Nicola:''' ''(begging)'' Terri, please, I'm standing in a factory that makes fans, right? And a-a man has walked in with a giant shit-spraying machine, and you happen to be bunking off work and not very far away, so I need you here! :'''Terri:''' ''(reluctantly giving in)'' Listen, I've got a cagoule in the back and I could come incognito with the hood up, if that's gonna help you out. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nicola:''' ''(looking at her speech)'' 'Government department – The gov–' Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck! How can I learn this when you're still writing it? I feel sick! :'''Ollie:''' No, it's exciting, it's good, it's really good. In fact, I would say: the fact that you're hearing it for the first time when you say it will possibly give it a freshness and a zing, you know – :'''Nicola:''' You think? :'''Ollie:''' Yes, you know, this is politics as it is, isn't it? It's ''[[The West Wing]]''! :'''Nicola:''' You're not [[wikipedia:Josh_Lyman|Josh]], Ollie, just write the fucking speech. :'''Ollie:''' It doesn't mat– :'''Nicola:''' Come on Nicola, pull yourself together. :'''Ollie:''' ''(to himself)'' I fucking am Josh. :'''Nicola:''' Nicola Murray can do this, come on! :'''Ollie:''' Wow, did you just refer to yourself in the second ''and'' third person? 'Cause they're both – :'''Nicola:''' Write the fucking speech! :'''Ollie:''' Right, OK, yes, I'm just slightly distracted by all the Nicola Murrays in the room! <hr width="50%"/> :'''John:''' Malcolm, you're really scaring me now. :'''Malcolm:''' I'm scaring you? I'm so sorry I'm fucking scaring you. I mustn't scare you, must I? I won't scare you, OK, I'll just explain to you what I'm gonna fucking do to you: I'm gonna take your bollocks, I'm gonna fucking rip them off, I'm gonna fucking paint eyeballs on them. And I'm gonna stitch them onto a fucking sock and use that as a mouthpiece. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm''' ''(to John)'' Oh, twat features! I mean that literally. <hr width="50%"/> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(on his phone)'' No, Dan Miller is not positioning himself for the leadership. Well, for a start, you can't have a prime minister called Dan. People called Dan work in fucking fitness centres and listen to West Coast jazz. <hr width="50%"/> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''John:''' Er, no, I've gotta wait for Glenn to bring Julie what's-her-face back from the toilet so I can give her the tour. :'''Ollie:''' Where are they? :'''John:''' Glenn has taken her to Nicola's toilet. It's like being back at college, isn't it, you know, [[wikipedia:Student_orientation|Freshers' Week]], it's just as busy, isn't it, you know – :'''Nicola:''' Stop talking. :'''John:''' Right, OK. :'''Ollie:''' Oh dear, that's bad, Glenn and a woman in a toilet. 'Hello Julie. Would you like to see the Minister's room? ''(John starts laughing)'' It's very cosy, isn't it, just right for a little kissy-kissy? Maybe some tickle-me tickle-me? ''(mimes undoing his flies)'' Have you met my little friend, old blind Bob?' ''(turns round to find that Glenn and Julie Price have returned)'' Just an impression of my friend, old blind Bob. :'''John:''' Liar. :'''Ollie:''' Listen, right, I'm not being really horrible, but are you actually autistic? :'''John:''' No; but you'd be surprised how many people ask me that. <hr width="50%"/> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Malcolm:''' And I need you, big man. :'''Glenn:''' Why? :'''Malcolm:''' Because I'm gonna invite some hacks up here. I'm gonna give them some drinks, and I'm gonna show them what good mates we are, huh? :'''Glenn:''' Do we have to? :'''Malcolm:''' Yes, we do have to do it! And I want you to be telling some really fucking amusing anecdotes about our long weekend in Prague. :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' He's gonna hit me again, isn't he? I don't mind being hit, it's just the making up afterwards that scares me shitless.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Nicola:''' Terri, I really need you to come down here and help me. All I've got here, right, is a psycho man, a bleeding man and a sarky teenager. It's like some fucking logic problem: 'How do I get the chickens across the river? How do I get the ''fucking chickens'' across the river?' <hr width="50%"/> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''John:''' See, this is the problem with the modern age, the blogosphere, and it is a fear, it's everywhere, we call it the i-Zilla. No one can tame the [[wikipedia:Beast_of_Bodmin_Moor|Beast of Blogmin]]. :'''Malcolm:''' What the fuck are you talking about? Make a deal with these bloggers. Threaten them! It's your fucking job, isn't it? :'''John:''' Malcolm, that is not how the internet works; it's a world-wide, you know, web, that's where that comes from. :'''Malcolm:''' Look: I need you to find the [[wikipedia:Itsy_Bitsy_Spider|incy-wincy fucking spider]], take your rolled-up wank mag and fucking ''squash'' the fucker, right, can you do that? :'''John:''' Malcolm, I've got a lot on. ''(Malcolm glares at him)'' Not a problem. That's a Duggan promise.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Ollie''' ''(looking out of the window onto the car park)'': You've got to see this, come here. Glenn is putting on his retrosexual moves. :'''Nicola:''' No! :'''Ollie:''' Yeah. :'''Nicola''' ''(looking out of the window)'': Who is she? :'''Ollie:''' I dunno, but she's smashed, if she is a she. I think I can see her madam's apple there. :'''Nicola:''' Maybe they're just talking. :'''Nicola and Ollie''' ''(seeing them kiss)'': Oh! :'''Ollie:''' That's horrific. This is like the worst porn film ever. This is like the porn film where the woman rings for a special adviser to give her an overview of the last five years of social policy and they end up fucking. :''(both laugh)'' :'''Nicola: [[w:The Bourne Ultimatum|The Porn Ultimatum]].''' == Series 3, Episode 4 == :'''Ollie:''' What's happened to Terri? She looks like a female impersonator! :'''Glenn:''' Yeah I know, I thought you only got made over like that at a gay undertaker's.<hr width="50%" />'''Ollie:''' ''(re: Nicola's daughter, Ella)'' She's kicking off at school. Basically, ever since Malcolm made Nicola put her in the fucking comp, she's headed for what Mr. [[w:Neil Diamond|Neil Diamond]] I believe would have called 'a [[w:Sweet Caroline|Sweet]] [[w:Columbine High School massacre|Columbine]] incident'.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Emma:''' Hey, do you know what, I wonder if we'll get to sneak up on Ollie and catch him not working. :'''Phil:''' Better still, I'd like to see him getting bollocked by Malcolm. ''(impersonates Malcolm)'' 'I'm gonna rip out ya bladder and wear it as a bandana!' :'''Emma:''' OK, erm – :'''Phil:''' I need to know what Glenn Cullen looks like. :'''Emma:''' Oh, Glenn Cullen, er, fifties, kind of depressed looking; I always think of, like, a bloodhound. :'''Phil:''' OK, I'll get a picture of Mick Hucknall. :'''Peter''' ''(arriving)'': Morning, comrades! How goes the revolution? :'''Phil and Emma:''' Morning. :'''Peter:''' Our tanks on their lawn at last, fuck-a-doodle-doo! :'''Phil:''' Talking of which, may I present the DoSAC Implementation Matrix! :'''Emma:''' Don't ask. :'''Peter:''' Look, this is a very straightforward set of meetings with the senior civil servants. You know, 'Where's the stop-cock? Where can I get a decent cup of coffee? Here's our legislative agenda for the next three years'. :'''Phil:''' Yeah I know, but Stewart's very keen for us to use a visit to DoSAC as a scouting exercise? :'''Peter:''' Well I'm very keen to use Stewart's mouth as an ashtray, but it doesn't mean I'd do it. <hr width="50%" /> :'''Malcolm:''' ''(explaining the Opposition Drill)'' When the Opposition are here, you tell them nothing except where the toilets are, but you lie about that. And Terri, keep your tits in.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Emma:''' ''(receiving an alert on her phone)'' That's Stewart. I'm just gonna have to show him up. :'''Peter:''' Great, Mr. Blue Sky; we're not gonna practise fist bumps again, are we? :'''Emma:''' Phil, if you mention anything out of turn while I'm gone, I will send your mum that picture of you dressed up as Cher, OK? ''(taps her phone)'' One button... ''(leaves)'' :'''Peter:''' Cher? :'''Phil:''' Celine Dion, karaoke night. It's totally harmless. ''(checks that Emma has gone)'' OK, Ollie told Emma that there's a shitstorm brewing about the minister's daughter. :'''Peter:''' She was only the minister's daughter, but she knew how to take the collection. :'''Phil:''' She's 12. :'''Peter:''' Oh, shit, strike that last remark, it's actually a little poem that... gets much worse.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Stewart:''' Ah Peter, glad we could hook up. Just wanted to take a couple of turns with you on the ideas carousel, yeah? Think of ways we could turn your team into a little cluster of excellence. :'''Peter:''' Oh, you mean you wanted to have a chat.<hr width="50%" />'''Peter:''' I hate to be a spoilsport, but can we briefly refocus on our visit to DoSAC? :'''Stewart''': Yeah, who are you meeting? :'''Phil:''' Got a couple of meetings with two top people, you know, the big swinging dicks. :'''Stewart:''' Yeah, OK, well don't forget the tiny static dicks. :'''Phil:''' Yeah, we're not allowed to talk to her boyfriend, though. :'''Emma:''' Very funny. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ollie:''' Oi! Oi! [[w:James May|James fucking May]]! It was ''you'' sprayed the private information about the school, wasn't it?! Like [[w:Jenson Button|Jenson Button]] shaking up a magnum of piss! :'''Phil:''' Oh, just listen to yourself! Okay, at first it was private information between you and your boss, then it was private information between you and your girlfriend, ''then'' it was private information between your girlfriend and her colleagues! :'''Ollie:''' Yeah? :'''Phil:''' I mean, I can draw you a diagram if you like! it's like a fucking swine flu pandemic! :'''Ollie:''' I've clearly made an error, which I have to take up with Emma... :'''Phil:''' Exactly! :'''Ollie:''' ... but you shouldn't be fucking using it for political – :'''Phil:''' This is ''your'' fault! It's not my fault! You're like the man who fucked the monkey that gave us AIDS, that's who you are! :'''Ollie:''' ''(incredulous)'' I'm like the man who did what? Who "fucked the monkey ''(laughs)'' that gave us AIDS"? :'''Phil:''' That's right: you keep saying "it wasn't me, it wasn't me" and there's monkey shit on your balls, not mine! :'''Malcolm:''' ''(walking in)'' I love it, I love it - it's the pre-match sparring for the big Super Gayweight Title Fight, eh? ''(makes boxing motions)'' Okay, Oliver, wipe away the pre-cum. You've got some work to get on with. :'''Ollie:''' ''(quietly)'' Yeah, Malcolm, um...? :'''Malcolm:''' What? :'''Ollie:''' The Nicola thing, I think, is getting a bit worse. It looks like her daughter's about to be excluded for bullying. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, I know, Glenn told me that. :'''Ollie:''' What? When did –? :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. The thing is, all we've got to do is, if we try and keep this info very, very closely contained, we'll be all right, yeah? :'''Ollie:''' Okay. :'''Malcolm:''' Okay? :'''Ollie''': Okay. :'''Malcolm:''' On you go. ''(walks up to Phil)'' Okay, Shitehead Revisited. Did you know that Nicola Murray's daughter is about to be expelled from school for fucking ''bullying?'' :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' What are you doing? :'''Phil:''' No, what... :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Don't worry. ''(to Phil)'' Did you not know that? :'''Phil:''' No, why would I... No... :'''Malcolm:''' Of course you wouldn't know that, 'cause the only people who know that right now are Mrs. Murray, her daughter, Ollie and me, yeah? If this gets into the press, I would ''know'' that it came from you. :'''Phil:''' Clever. ''(chuckles, trying to hide his nervousness)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(also chuckles, rather deviously)'' And I would rain down on you so hard, you would have to be reassembled by fucking air crash investigators. ''(Phil tries to protest)'' ''Do not fucking'' interrupt me, son, ever! Now get this into the noggin, right? You breathe a ''word'' of this, to ''anyone'', you mincing fucking '''''CUNT''''', and I will tear your fucking skin off, I will wear it to your mother's birthday party, and I will rub your nuts up and down her leg whilst whistling [[w:Bohemian Rhapsody|Bohemian fucking Rhapsody]], right?! :'''Phil:''' ''(nods in shock)'' Yeah. :'''Malcolm:''' Now...get out of my fucking sight! :'''Phil:''' Yeah. ''(wanders off, visibly terrified)'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Peter:''' ''(Discussing Malcolm)'' His bark's worse than his bite. ''(Sees Malcolm approaching)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Peter! :'''Peter:''' And speaking of rabies injections, here he is! :'''Malcolm:''' I didn't know you were still alive. How's the 80's tribute band? Still doing the [[wikipedia:Robert_Palmer_(singer)|Robert Palmer]] lookalikey thing, huh? :'''Peter:''' Malcolm, you're looking well, for someone twice your age. Any news on the aneurysm? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Peter:''' ''(Answers his mobile phone)'' Ah, Stewart. What flavour of nut-brown piss are you going to pour in my ear? :'''Stewart:''' How's the info-pump firing? :'''Peter:''' You mean Terri Coverley? She's useless, she knows nothing. You two would get on. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Glenn:''' Nicola, just got a text from Malcolm. He says he knows Mannion was here. :'''Nicola:''' How does he know that? :'''Glenn:''' Text reads: 'I know about your fucking meeting with that ageing flamenco guitarist. You are NOT' (big letters) 'to go home.' There's been an escalation. He says he wants you at Number 10 'ASAFP'. :'''Nicola:''' 'F' meaning – :'''Glenn:''' Feasibly, I should imagine. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Nicola arrives at Malcolm's office)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Hi Nicola, thanks very much for coming over. Can I get you something? :'''Nicola:''' Actually, you haven't got any whisky, have you? :'''Malcolm:''' Whisky, yeah. Hasn't been touched for a while; still got [[wikipedia:Anthony_Eden|Anthony Eden]]'s lipstick on the bottle. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nicola:''' OK, so it's Mannion. What do we do? I mean, do we go after him with one of your, you know, things that you say, like a big bum-dildo of vengeance or something? :'''Malcolm:''' There you go, that's my girl, yeah! [[wikipedia:Indiana_Jones_(franchise)|Indiana]] Murray and the Bum-Dildo of Vengeance, I like it.<hr width="50%" />''(deleted scene)'' :''(arriving at the DoSAC building)'' :'''Phil:''' This is ''mint''. It's like the fall of Troy but with visitor's passes instead of a [[wikipedia:Trojan_Horse|wooden horse]]. :'''Peter''' ''(quoting [[Alfred, Lord Tennyson#Ulysses (1842)|Tennyson's]]'' [[Alfred, Lord Tennyson#Ulysses (1842)|Ulysses]]'')'': 'It may be that the gulfs will wash us down, / It may be we shall touch the Happy Isles / And see the great Achilles, whom we knew.' :'''Phil:''' I meant the film ''[[Troy (film)|Troy]]''? :'''Peter:''' Awesome.<hr width="50%" />''(deleted scene)'' :'''Emma:''' Do you fancy a cup of tea? :'''Stewart:''' Er, yes, you got anything herbal? :'''Emma:''' OK, yeah. ''(walking off, to herself)'' Something perfumed and essentially gay. ''(sees Phil)'' Oh, speak of the devil. Whoa, you look like you've shat yourself. :'''Phil:''' I had a close encounter with Malcolm Tucker. ''(Emma laughs)'' It's not funny, he's like some horrible character from an Ian Rankin novel. :'''Stewart:''' Where's Peter? :'''Emma:''' Yeah, where is Peter? :'''Phil:''' I don't know. It's a bit of a blur to be honest, I just kind of ran out of the building. I just kept walking, I ended up in [[wikipedia:Greenwich|Greenwich]]. :'''Emma:''' Greenwich? :'''Phil:''' I think I was following the river, I wanted to get to the sea.<hr width="50%" />''(deleted scene)'' :'''Peter:''' Do you channel all your passions into pie charts, Stewart? I don't even think you're excited about winning. I bet when you orgasm, you just put a little tick on a chart next to your bed. == Series 3, Episode 5 == :''(Terri smiles and waves at Peter.)'' :'''Peter:''' Why does the useless one keep staring at me? :'''Phil:''' Because she's a mentalist and she loves you. You ever crash your car in the mountains, she'll be the one waiting to drag you out. ''(both chuckle)'' You've seen ''[[wikipedia:Misery (film)|Misery]]''? :'''Peter:''' I'm in the fucking BBC, aren't I? <hr width="50%" /> :''(Nicola, Terri, Glenn, Phil and Peter are all waiting in the green room. Terri continues to smile and stare at Peter.)'' :'''Peter:''' ''(quietly)'': The stupid one keeps staring at me; could you block the view, or something? :'''Phil:''' OK. ''(sits on the table, between Terri and Peter)'' :'''Peter:''' OK. :'''Phil:''' ''(to Terri)'': Sorry. :'''Peter:''' Why isn't Emma here to help? :'''Phil:''' She's dumping Ollie tonight. Result! Probably crying his eyes out right now, like Kate Winslet losing on a scratch card. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Glenn:''' Well, that's a nice tan you haven't quite managed to get there, Peter. :'''Peter:''' Oh yes of course, that's very funny, because of the shitstorm you created about my second holiday. I had to cancel my second holiday. I see what you did there, you should be in stand-up. :'''Phil:''' [[wikipedia:Ben_Elton|Glenn Elton]]. 'Yes indeed, ladies and gentlemen!' :'''Peter:''' Sorry about the puffin. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm is in his office talking to someone on his cell phone)'' :'''Malcolm:''' No, I don't give a fuck whose birthday it is, I'm going to enjoy myself here listening to this Murray-Mannion ding-dong on the radio. The fat cat story's breaking, so the opposition are gonna be sweating like Vegas Elvis on a squash court. :''(Malcolm's personal assistant, Sam, comes into the office with a box)'' :'''Sam:''' Happy Birthday, Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' Stop saying that, right? Just you go home. What is this? Don't...Is this my new anal beads? :''(Malcolm looks at the box)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Okay, this has been X-rayed, yeah? I'm not gonna get fucking, a present bomb in the face? :''(Malcolm opens the box. It contains a cake which reads 'Happy Birthday C*nt')'' :'''Malcolm:''' This could be from anybody. ''(opens the accompanying card)'' Ah, it's from the Prime Minister. This is fucking Tom's idea of a joke, yeah? And he wonders why we don't let him out in public.<hr width="50%" /> :''(Nicola is discussing what she's going to say about her Fourth Sector Initiative on Richard Bacon's radio show with Terri and Glenn)'' :'''Nicola:''' Fourth sector, people power. Inspiring each other out of disadvantage. :'''Terri:''' And you need to put in the liking words as well, not just the headlines. :'''Nicola:''' I am going to talk in complete sentences. :'''Terri:''' I think you should rehearse with those headlines. :'''Nicola:''' Okay, how about "I believe in people power. Will you fuck off, Terri?" Is that okay? <hr width="50%"/> :''(Meanwhile, Peter is discussing what he's going to talk about on the show with Phil.)'' :'''Peter:''' "We call it the Common Sense Checklist, Richard. We need to cut red tape. We were talking about that at the Oval the other day, weren't we, Richard?" :'''Phil:''' ''(loving it)'' That's just the sound of wickets falling. :''(But then, Phil's cell phone rings.)'' :'''Phil:''' Stewart. :'''Peter:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Stewart? Oh, good. I wonder what Mr. Political Correctness Gone Boring wants... :'''Phil:''' ''(answering his cell phone)'' Hi, Stewart. :'''Stewart:''' Look, a little note for Peter, yeah? Tell him to dump the common sense checklist. Yeah, it's an ex-list. The new world order is this: Hit the city hard, yeah? It's "Reverse Gekko." Greed is bad, money is awful. "I Heart [[wikipedia:Tracy Chapman|Tracy Chapman]]," yeah? :''(Phil leans over to Peter to quietly tell him the bad news...)'' :'''Phil:''' ''(to Peter)'' He wants you to scrap the common sense checklist and hit the city hard over the bonuses, call them all money-grabbing wankers. :''(A BBC employee lets everyone know that Nicola and Peter are on, but Peter still has something to say to Phil.)'' :'''Peter:''' Phil. ''(Peter quietly pulls Phil aside.)'' Some of my best friends are money-grabbing wankers. And I've got to give a speech to a roomful of them tomorrow at the CBI lunch. I'm not gonna say, "Hello, chums, I've just taken a slash in the soup." So, no, the answer's no. :''(As Peter makes his way to the studio, Phil gets back on his cell phone to talk to Stewart.)'' :'''Phil:''' Stewart, um, Peter's not going to want to do that. :'''Stewart:''' No, I don't want him to want to do it, Phil. I just want him to do it. :'''Phil:''' ''(to Peter)'' Stewart says it's a JB diktat, you have to do it. :'''Peter:''' Tell him to stick a goose up his arse. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Peter Mannion and Nicola Murray are now in the studio with Richard Bacon. Phil, Terri and Glenn are in the control room.)'' :'''[[wikipedia:Richard_Bacon_(broadcaster)|Richard Bacon]]:''' Coming up shortly, we've got what could be a rather fiery showdown between two political heavyweights. After trading blows in the dailies, it's now time for them to meet face to face. So, it gives me great pleasure to introduce Nicola Murray... :'''Nicola:''' Hello. :''(Richard gives Nicola a polite 'please wait' hand gesture)'' :'''Richard:'''...Secretary of State for the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship. ''(Richard gives Nicola the 'OK.')'' :'''Nicola:''' Hello, again. I got it right that time. I managed to come in at the right time. :'''Richard:''' Hello, and from the shadow cabinet, the right honourable Peter Mannion MP. :'''Peter:''' Hi, Richard. Good to see you again. :'''Phil:''' ''(in the control room)'' THE MANNIONATOR! :'''Richard:''' ''(to Peter)'' Good to see you again as well. Uh, listen, guys, first of all... :'''Terri:''' ''(to Phil)'' How old are you? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Richard:''' Either of you got any piercings? Any tattoos? :'''Peter:''' Uh, I've got an appendix scar, does that count? :'''Richard:''' Classic! :'''Peter:''' Well, you know how it is. Out with a bunch of pals, got a bit tipsy, rolled into casualty, yeah. Hey, we all got it done. :'''Phil:''' Yeah! In your face, bitch! :'''Richard:''' That's very funny. Nicola Murray, any piercings? :'''Nicola:''' Um...Uh, no... :'''Terri:''' Yes, you do. :'''Nicola:''' No piercings at all, no. :'''Terri:''' You have got some piercings. :'''Richard:''' Okay, all right. :'''Nicola:''' Uh, sorry, no piercings at all, no. :''(All the while, Glenn is trying to remind Nicola about her pierced ears.)'' :'''Nicola:''' Um, some people say that my distinguishing feature would be probably my ears, which I'm told are quite small. :'''Richard:''' Right. :'''Nicola:''' But I do think we have to be a little bit careful about taking too light an approach to culturally sensitive issues, like body piercing or female circumcision...Uh, earrings! Earrings. I've got pierced ears. :'''Richard:''' Let's leave that there. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(listening to Nicola on the radio)'' Fuck me, this is like a clown running across a minefield! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Glenn and Terri are now out of the control room, having an impromptu talk.)'' :'''Glenn:''' I'm really worried about Nicola. She's behaving like a squirrel trapped in a pedal bin. What I'm asking you to do is have a word with, um, Blondie, that producer. And cut Nicola some slack because she needs all the sympathy she can get. :'''Terri:''' The problem is, though, Glenn, if you say to a journalist, 'Can you avoid that topic?', that's when they really go for it. I mean, it's like saying to the school bully, 'I'll wet myself if you tickle me'. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Throughout his show, Richard reads out listeners' texts about piercings.)'' :'''Richard:''' 'Dear Richard, I don't see the point of piercings. If you were a robot, you wouldn't stick bits of dangling flesh all over yourself, would you?' :'''Richard:''' 'Dear Richard, my friend's daughter got piercings all round her mouth. She looks like she works in a ball bearings factory, and there was an explosion and all the shrapnel got embedded in her face. I don't like it.' :'''Richard:''' 'Dear Richard, I love piercings. They are part of who I am, literally. Tina in Weymouth.' <hr width="50%"/> :''(Nicola is now talking about her Fourth Sector Initiative.)'' :'''Nicola:''' What we would be looking for is getting people to inspire each other out of poverty, out of disadvantage. :'''Richard:''' ''(somewhat cynically)'' How can you be ''inspired'' out of poverty? :'''Nicola:''' Well, I'm choosing to ignore your rather cynical tone... :'''Richard:''' I'm not being cynical, Nicola Murray. It's a perfectly legitimate question. How can you be inspired out of poverty? :'''Nicola:''' Okay, you are being cynical, but anyway, we'll park that. Um, one of our initiatives is to designate certain people as fourth sector pathfinders. Now they would be pillars of a normal community. :'''Richard:''' Are you talking about "have-a-go heroes," for example? :'''Nicola:''' No, we're talking about everyday heroes. :'''Richard:''' I assume you'd want to avoid Charles Bronson-style vigilantes? :'''Nicola:''' ''(chuckling)'' Oh, yes. Yes, we don't, we don't want [[wikipedia:Charles Bronson|Charles Bronson]]. More, more, Charles, uh...Dance. :'''Richard:''' Okay. :'''Peter:''' Or Chaplin, yeah? <hr width="50%"/> :''(Suddenly, Glenn's cell phone goes off in the control room.)'' :'''Janice:''' ''(the show's producer, to Glenn)'' Out! :'''Glenn:''' Alright! :'''Phil:''' Is that Nicola's doctor? Probably trying to book a circumcision. :''(Glenn goes out of the control room to answer his phone.)'' :'''Glenn:''' Malcolm? :'''Malcolm:''' Are you producing porno now for the visually impaired? :'''Glenn:''' Wh– What? :'''Malcolm:''' Because what I'm hearing here, on my radio, is Nicola Murray being roundly fucked. What is this, [[wikipedia:Bukkake|Bukkake]] [[wikipedia:Book_at_Bedtime|at Bedtime]]? Just, fu– put Ollie on. :'''Glenn:''' Ollie, erm – Well he's not here, he's at home. :'''Malcolm:''' Tell that fucking stick of celery to get his arse out of there, and get down to 5 Live right now. Tell him to inject some energy into Nicola's performance. At the moment, she's coming across like a Nazi float at the fucking [[wikipedia:Notting_Hill_Carnival|Notting Hill Carnival]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Peter:''' It seems to me what I call a "political meringue." Uh...sweet but, uh, lightweight and very little substance. :''(Meanwhile, in the control room...)'' :'''Phil:''' ''(clapping)'' He's like bloody [[wikipedia:Peter Ustinov|Ustinov]], isn't he? :'''Terri:''' Uh, it's just such an old joke. Can you just please get out? :'''Janice:''' ''(to both Phil AND Terri)'' Yeah. Okay, right. Can you just both fucking get out of the studio now? You and fucking Rupert Brooke, just out! :''(Meanwhile, Richard Bacon continues talking to Peter)'' :'''Richard:''' I know exactly what you mean. The other day, the BBC sent me on a Health & Safety away day, where they taught me how to carry a cup of coffee. :'''Peter:''' ''(laughing)'' This, this is exactly what I mean. That makes no sense. That's nonsense, and uh... and we need to say no to the nanny state, uh, "boo" to nanny, and claw back some personal responsibility in the name of common sense. :'''Richard:''' We need to...Hang on, we need to say boo to nanny? :'''Peter:''' Yeah, it's just a play on [[wikipedia:Jools Holland|Jools Holland]]'s Hootenanny. (stuttering) I-I, I didn't write it, it's not... :'''Richard:''' Right. :'''Peter:''' But, you know...Hey nanny no. :'''Richard:''' Right. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Glenn:''' Oh hello, nice dinner? :'''Emma:''' Fuck off, [[wikipedia:Bagpuss|Bagpuss]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Phil spots Emma in the green room. Terri is also in there.)'' :'''Phil:''' Hey, that was quick. Did you tell him? :'''Emma:''' Kind of. He's getting the message. :'''Phil:''' Look, I couldn't say while you were together, but I really don't know what you saw in him. :'''Emma:''' You told me all the time how much you hated him. That was one of the main reasons I went out with him so long. :'''Terri:''' ''(to Emma)'' Are you splitting up with Ollie? :'''Emma:''' Sorry, can you actually hear all right over there? I can pop into the studio and get some microphones so you can get all the details. :'''Terri:''' No, I can hear fine. Yes, no, I think that's a really good idea. I mean, for your sake. I'd back you up on that. :'''Emma:''' ''(pleased)'' What, I have your backing? Oh, fantastic. Thanks. :'''Phil:''' Hey, Emma, look, you're clearly overemotional right now. Why don't you go home, you know, drink some mojitos with your girlfriends and talk about shoes? I've got it covered here. :'''Emma:''' Yeah. Well, actually, Stewart called me in because he wanted me to SatNav Peter out of the dead end you've driven him into. So, perhaps you should piss off and read that ''[[wikipedia:Marie Claire|Marie Claire]]'' you nicked off me. <hr width="50%"/> :''(And then, Phil's cell phone rings again -- and once again, Stewart's on the other line.)'' :'''Phil:''' ''(answering his cell phone)'' Hi, Stewart. He's great, isn't he? :'''Stewart:''' "Boo to nanny?" Phil, no one watches Jools Holland, yeah? We need to be appealing to ''One Show'' man and ''Holby City'' woman. :'''Emma:''' What's he saying? :'''Phil:''' Just shut up, Emma. The men are talking? :'''Stewart:''' Is Emma there? :'''Phil:''' Yes, she is here. :'''Stewart:''' Thank God! Put her on, Phil. :''(Emma gets on the cell phone to talk to Stewart.)'' :'''Emma:''' Stewart, hi. :'''Stewart:''' This is the brief. Got a pen? :'''Emma:''' Yeah, hang on. ''(to Phil)'' Have you got a pen? :'''Phil:''' Yeah, you're not having it. :'''Terri:''' ''(to Emma)'' Do you need a pen? :'''Emma:''' Uh, I do, thanks. ''(to Stewart)'' Sorry, Stewart, hang on. :'''Stewart:''' Why don't you have one just sellotaped to your chin, Emma? Write this down! Write on his shirt! Just write it down! :''(Phil tries to take the pen from Emma, but Emma's not messing around.)'' :'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' I'm serious. :'''Stewart:''' ''(to Emma)'' Are you listening to Daddy? :'''Emma:''' Okay. :'''Stewart:''' I want you to pull some info, right? On city bonuses, tax evasion, non-doms. Let's name and shame some fat cats! I want to hear some fact-enforced noise! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Ollie arrives at the BBC Building.)'' :'''Ollie:''' Many thanks, Glenn. :'''Glenn:''' What? :'''Ollie:''' For getting me in on my special night off. Emma was furious when I said I was coming in here, she was moaning, she was screaming, and then I said I was coming in here. Do you see what I did? :'''Glenn:''' ''(smiling mockingly)'' I see. :'''Ollie:''' It was a joke about my sexual prowess. :''(But then, Ollie sees Emma.)'' :'''Ollie:''' What the fuck are you doing here? :'''Emma:''' Oh, I'm having an affair with Richard Bacon. I'm incredibly aroused by men with meat in their surname. :'''Ollie:''' You. You told me...I cooked a lovely meal... :'''Emma:''' Ordered. And it wasn't lovely. :'''Ollie:''' What the fuck's going on? :''(Emma's cell phone rings)'' :'''Emma:''' Sorry, I've got to take this. I'll talk to you later. :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' So! She DID come! She came into work! Do you see what I did there? :'''Ollie:''' Fuck off, Glenn. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Nicola is accusing Peter and his party of blocking initiatives that would allow bonuses to the so-called "fat cats.")'' :'''Nicola:'''...when you yourself where actually in cabinet. We have tried repeatedly to initiate legislation which will outlaw these bonuses. Now, your party has persistently blocked those attempts. :'''Richard:''' I think it's an interesting point. What do you say, Peter Mannion, to the accusation that these huge bonuses and the offense that they cause are the fault of your party? :'''Peter:''' I think that's a completely fatuous argument when Nicola's party has been in government for what seems like about a century, and bonuses under their watch have increased...What? Five fold? Oh, dear! Come on, Nicola. Pull your finger out. :'''Nicola:''' Okay, fine. So you personally would like to see more done to hit the fat cats? :'''Richard:''' ''(to Peter)'' Is that what you're saying? :'''Peter:''' ''(stammering)'' Well, yes-yes. I...I would. If the person receiving the bonus hasn't performed well... :'''Richard:''' Can I, can I simplify that? Let me simplify this. Would you outlaw bonuses? :'''Peter:''' ''(still stuttering)'' In the case of them being undeserved, yes... :'''Nicola:''' Which the bulk of them are, so basically you're saying the bulk of your friends in the city are disgusting. :'''Peter:''' ''(confused)'' No, no, no. Yes, yes, but only if the bonuses they receive are unfair. :'''Richard:''' I think, well, I think we've got -- It's alright. I think we've got your point. Uh, thank you. Let's move on. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Phil enters the green room)'' :'''Ollie:''' Right, if you speak to me, I will pour hot coffee on your balls. :'''Phil:''' Hey, guy, I don't want to fight. I want to clear the air, actually. We're like those two little old people in the [[wikipedia:Weather_house|weathercock]]: you come out, I'm in there, and we're swapping round. :'''Ollie:''' You're Mr. Sunshine, are you? :'''Phil:''' I'm Mr. Sunshine! :'''Ollie:''' You're a little wooden twat, in a little wooden house. :'''Phil:''' Come on, there's no need – we can be friends! I'm thinking two enemies, they come together when they realise it is no more. Aragorn and Boromir! Me: Aragorn, the true king. You: Boromir. [[wikipedia:Middle-earth_objects#Horn_of_Gondor|Your horn]] is broken, and will be blown no more. :'''Ollie:''' This inability to talk without using ''Lord of the Rings'' metaphors is one of the very ''many'' reasons that we could never be friends. :'''Phil:''' Okay. By the way, you'll be getting a bill. That's OK, though, I presume you're expecting that. :'''Ollie:''' ''(sighing)'' Okay, I'll bite. Why will I be getting a bill, Phil? :'''Phil:''' Ah, let me see, partial rent, electricity, gas, internet use, toilet paper...Kept a note every time you were round at the flat. :'''Ollie:''' You're moving out? Oh, that's a shame. I'll miss doing that secret and bad thing I did with your roll-on deodorant. :'''Phil:''' I'm not moving out. I'm just guessing that seeing how Emma's dumped you, you won't be coming round much any more. :'''Ollie:''' What? :'''Phil:''' Oh, let me just savor this moment. Thank you, God. She hasn't told you, has she? :'''Ollie:''' No, what? :'''Phil:''' She's dumped you. She did it tonight. :'''Ollie:''' No, no. She didn't do it tonight. :'''Phil:''' Let me get a little photo of this moment. Hey, new desktop picture here: Ollie being dumped! :''(Ollie doesn't appreciate being told of this bit of news by Phil.)'' :'''Ollie:''' Why would she tell you first, dickwad? :'''Phil:''' I've no idea, she told me to get out of the flat tonight so she could dump you. Anyway, in the words of [[wikipedia:Shakespears_Sister|Shakespears Sister]], ''(sings in falsetto)'' '[[wikipedia:You're_History|You're History]]'! ''(Ollie throws his coffee at Phil's groin)'' Ah, f– It's a dark suit and it's only lukewarm, I ''still'' win! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Richard is taking another call on his show)'' :'''Richard:''' James Henderson, what's your point? :'''Peter:''' Is that Jim Henderson from Clifton? :'''Richard:''' ''(surprised)'' You two know each other? :'''Peter:''' We've met. We know each other. :'''James:''' ''(talking to Peter on the phone line)'' We've met! Yes, we ''have'' met. I'm surprised to hear you turning on the city boys. Um, you never found the JFU donating huge wodges of cash to your party ''disgusting.'' :'''Peter:''' Well, that's a separate issue... :'''James:''' ''(continuing)'' Even though everyone knows they've got links with sweatshops. :'''Richard:''' Wow! :'''Peter:''' What? :'''Richard:''' Well, that's quite an extraordinary allegation, very serious. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(still in his office)'' YES! :'''Richard:''' ...links to sweatshops? :'''Peter:''' That should be looked into, but... :'''Malcolm:''' Oh, it's my birthday! :'''Peter:''' ...I don't know the facts. :'''James:''' I've just told you the facts! Are you calling me a liar? :'''Janice:''' I can't believe my ears, did we just break a story that wasn't 'the [[wikipedia:Ipswich_Town_F.C.|Ipswich]] manager just got sacked'?<hr width="50%" /> :'''Malcolm:''' ''(leaving his office)'' It's my birthday! ''(Offering someone a piece of cake)'' Cunt cake? Go ahead! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Stewart is on his cell phone, telling Emma he's coming down to the BBC Studios.)'' :'''Stewart:''' Right, Emma. Look, look, look, I'm just coming in. Okay? Yeah, look, I'll be 20 minutes, right? So see if you can get Peter to do something inoffensive for 20 minutes. Hard boil 4 eggs! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Meanwhile, in the green room...)'' :'''Emma:''' ''(in a bad mood)'' Great. :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Emma)'' You tell fucking Man at C&A that I'm dumped before I do, is that it? :'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' What's he talking about? :'''Phil:''' ''(to Emma)'' I thought he knew. :'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' Oh, you fucking twit! :'''Glenn:''' Do you mind keeping it down? Some of us are trying to listen. :'''Phil:''' I can fill you in: Peter's tearing through her like a Viking at a nunnery. :'''Glenn:''' If he's a Viking, he's [[wikipedia:Cnut_the_Great|King Cnut]]! :'''Phil:''' ''WHAT?'' :'''Glenn:''' Yes, he's drowning in the party donations. You should ''listen!'' :'''Phil:''' Bullshit! :''(Phil and Emma are listening on the radio. Ollie's trying to get Emma's attention.)'' :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Emma)'' You can't even fucking look at me! :'''Phil:''' We're trying to listen here now. :'''Ollie & Emma:''' Shut the fuck up, Phil! :''(And now, EVERYBODY'S arguing!)'' :'''Janice:''' ''(storming into the green room)'' OK, do you want to shut up? And if you lot don't keep this down, I'm gonna have you all ejected from the building. ''(points at Terri)'' You are the worst, my chair still smells of your perfume! :'''Terri:''' Excuse me! For the record, I have done nothing. :'''Glenn:''' Yes, that will be your epitaph, Terri. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Nicola and Glenn are celebrating just outside the green room)'' :'''Nicola:''' Great! Good! Yes! I'm cooking now. :'''Glenn:''' Cooking with gas! :'''Nicola:''' I'm fucking Delia Smith! I'm cracking eggs, I'm pouring in baking powder, I'm using fucking vanilla extract. It's great! :''(Peter is in the green room with Phil, trying to recover from his stumbles on 5 Live)'' :'''Peter:''' That was not good. That was the opposite of good. :'''Phil:''' Bad. :'''Peter:''' How do I counter? Have you heard of JFU? :'''Phil:''' I didn't actually hear that bit, so I don't know. :'''Peter:''' You couldn't hear? CHRIST! You're...''(Chuckling, looking at Nicola and Glenn outside)'' Sorry, it's just... :'''Peter:''' ''(to Phil)'' You're here to hear, Phil. Why do you think you're here? You're HERE to HEAR! You're not here for eye candy! :'''Phil:''' Look, it's not my fault. It was very noisy in here. Ollie and Emma were splitting up at the time, and I couldn't really focus... :'''Peter:''' ''Emma?'' ''Emma?'' Why is ''Emma'' here? :'''Phil:''' Stewart sent her down here. :'''Peter:''' ''(looking at Phil's trousers)'' ''Why have you got wet trousers?'' :'''Phil:''' Ollie threw coffee at me. :'''Peter:''' I'm sorry. I seemed to have wandered into some 1970s [[wikipedia:Ray Cooney|Ray Cooney]] farce. Is the vicar about to come around with [[wikipedia:Brian Rix|Brian Rix]] and [[wikipedia:Robin Askwith|Robin Askwith]]? :'''Janice:''' Right, back in. Headphones on ears, arses on chairs. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Meanwhile, Ollie and Emma are arguing in the hallway...and Terri's sitting just inches away from them.)'' :'''Emma:''' Ollie, we just, we don't make any time for each other any more. :'''Ollie:''' We're busy people. We work really, really hard. We work harder than Fat Pat's arteries. Of course we... :'''Terri:''' Did you used to make time for each other? I mean, I think that's the crucial question. :'''Emma:''' Sorry... :'''Ollie:''' Okay, just for a second, Aunt Terri, fuck off! :'''Terri:''' Where am I meant to go? :'''Ollie:''' Pretend you've got to go and have a shit or something. :'''Terri:''' ''(to Emma)'' You're going to be a lot better off without him. :'''Emma:''' What do you mean I'm going to be... :'''Ollie:''' You're not going to be better off... :'''Emma:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Sorry, have you...Do you talk about me at work? :'''Ollie:''' Oh, fuck this! This is like that nightmare I had about being on ''[[wikipedia:Loose Women|Loose Women]].'' :''(After Ollie walks away from the argument, however, he sees Glenn and Phil talking in the corner.)'' :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Phil)'' ...that one at all. I mean, everyone knows that Schumacher is Stig. :'''Phil:''' I think that was just publicity, just to keep it going. :'''Ollie:''' ''(to himself)'' Right. I'll go back to ''Loose Women.'' :'''Phil:''' ''(still talking to Glenn)'' Friend of mine thinks it's actually May, Hammond and Clarkson, purely 'cause Stig is an anagram of "gits." :'''Glenn:''' Oh, right. :''(Ollie is forced to go back to Emma and Terri's corner.)'' :'''Emma:''' I just don't think he should be talking about me at all, let alone things that are totally private. :'''Terri:''' No, I agree, I absolutely – ''(sees that Ollie has returned)'' Then the bank bonuses are very high, aren't they? :'''Ollie:''' I know you've been talking about me, Terri, because I've got this weird [[Derren Brown]] thing going on where I can see and hear things, Terri. :'''Emma:''' So, Ollie, what exactly have you been saying to them in the office about me? :'''Ollie:''' I've been saying, er, you smell of fennel, you're racist – :'''Emma:''' Funny. :'''Ollie:''' – you torture horses, and you're in [[wikipedia:The_Bangles|The Bangles]], that's what I've been saying about you at work. :'''Emma:''' See, I think you've been sexually bragging. :'''Ollie:''' Well, don't flatter yourself. :''(Stewart has finally entered the room.)'' :'''Stewart:''' ''(to Emma)'' Emma, I didn't send you here so you could chat about your sex life. I sent you here to back-block Peter's narrative, hmm? ''(Stewart then points to the Piercings Man)'' And what's happened to Phil? I mean, don't get me wrong, I like him, but I'm not seeing him in man-made fibers. :'''Emma:''' He's just drying his...He's drying his trousers. :''(Stewart's in quiet disbelief...)'' :'''Stewart:''' I don't want to know. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nicola:''' ''(seeing Stewart enter the control room)'' How perfect. Who should walk in... :'''Stewart:''' ''(to Janice)'' I'm Stewart Pearson, yeah? See the fat man that you're berating like he's a piñata? Well, I own him. :'''Richard:''' Peter Mannion, that's a fascinating development – :'''Peter''' ''(seeing Malcolm arrive)'': Oh! And as we speak, who should come rolling along the corridor but Malcolm Tucker, the man who was once referred to as the [[wikipedia:Gorbals|Gorbals]] [[Joseph Goebbels|Goebbels]]... :'''Stewart:''' Oh, don't do a joke. Peter, don't do a... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Richard:''' Peter Mannion, can you explain, please, why your party spin doctor has arrived entirely announced? :'''Peter:''' I would say it was an indication of how seriously our party is taking the allegations that we were... :'''Stewart:''' Don't say it again! :'''Peter:''' ...receiving donations from... :'''Richard:''' From a sweatshop labour company. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Stewart)'' Ooh! Did you prep him with this shit, yeah? :'''Stewart:''' Yeah, yeah, yeah. The last thing I said to him was go in there and bomb. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(chuckling)'' Well, it fucking worked. Usually, he comes across like, you know, just another third-rate Donald Sinden. But tonight, he's like a ventriloquist's dummy that's fucking falling to bits. :'''Stewart:''' Yeah, it's really nice to see you without those veins in your temples throbbing. :'''Malcolm:''' 'Cause you have really got your work cut out with him, haven't you? Look at the hair. You've got to do something. He's like fucking Swiss Toni. :'''Stewart:''' Yeah. Well, this is radio, Malcolm, but it's great to be getting this straight from you. Thanks. :'''Janice:''' Look, do you guys have to make so much noise? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Janice)'' I don't know if they told you this on your training day, love, but this is fucking soundproofed, that, they can't hear you. I mean, we're like Ted Moult to them. :'''Janice:''' Look, can you please get out? :'''Malcolm:''' No. Actually, we -- we are entitled to be in here. That lot, they should all be in here. All the political advisors should be in here. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm brings EVERYBODY into the Control Room!)'' :'''Malcolm:''' I just want to add to the party atmosphere. I'm perfectly entitled to this. :''(While Malcolm is doing this, Stewart is reading a text message off of Janice's computer screen)'' :'''Stewart:''' Gather round, everybody. There is a text here from Tim in Ruislip. This is what Tim's text says: "Nicola is a hypocrite. JFU also donate to the government. In fact, they donate twice as much as they do to the opposition." :'''Richard:''' ''(in the studio)'' Can I just say to the listeners at home, I have no idea what's going on now. We're in a studio, there's another room next door... :'''Malcolm:''' ''(pushing everybody out)'' We have to get out, right? Okay. Let's get, you know... :'''Stewart:''' What do you reckon, Malcolm? It seems like a big issue to me. :'''Malcolm:''' It's not. We're going to move on to piercings. :'''Stewart:''' ''(to Janice)'' Janice, I'm sure in the interest of balance, you'll want to... :'''Janice:''' Right, can you shut up, right? Malcolm's right, I decide what is news. :'''Malcolm:''' Absolutely. :'''Janice:''' And this is fucking news! :'''Malcolm:''' Bullshit! Right. See this here? ''(Malcolm goes to the "Shut Down" button.)'' You do it and I will press this fucking button. :'''Janice:''' Don't fucking threaten me! :'''Malcolm:''' This switch... :'''Janice:''' Richard, Tim in Ruislip. :'''Malcolm:''' You do that and I will... <hr width="50%"/> :''(Richard reads the text from "Tim in Ruislip," which turns the whole Murray-Mannion debate on its' head.)'' :'''Richard:''' We've just received this text message from Tim in Ruislip... :'''Stewart:''' ''(smiling)'' Ooh. She's actually put it through. :'''Richard:''' And he says, "Nicola is a hypocrite. JFU also donate to the government. In fact, they donate twice as much as they do to the opposition." :''(Malcolm is very upset with Janice for sending Tim's text message through to Richard's computer in the studio.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' That's your fucking career over, right, OK, you're fucking dead. And those three little words, 'Tim in [[wikipedia:Ruislip|Ruislip]]', are the fucking nails in your coffin, dear. ''(imitates hammering)'' Tim. In. Ruislip. Tim in fucking Ruislip. And as for Tim in fucking – :'''Janice:''' Yeah, okay, can you stop ''fucking saying that, please?'' :'''Malcolm:''' – FUCKING, fucking Ruislip, he's fucking dead as well! That fucking texting coward. Give me his number. What's his fucking number? Give me the fucking number of Tim in Ruislip. :'''Janice:''' ''(to her assistant)'' Erase it. Take it off the screen now. :'''Malcolm:''' If you don't give me his fucking number, do you know what I'm gonna have to do? I'm gonna have to fucking go to fucking Ruislip, and fucking snap the thumb and forefinger off of every single person I see, who I think resembles the kind of wanker that would be walking around in this day and fucking age with a name like fucking Tim! How do you think that sounds, huh? :'''Stewart:''' Quite, quite mad. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(whispering to Stewart)'' You and I have to have a word. :'''Stewart:''' ''(to Janice and her assistant)'' I think he wants me to step outside.<hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm is bossing everybody around, acting like he's the President of the BBC.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to the "Piercings Man")'' Right. You're on, mate. Come on. Get in there now. I want you in there rattling your fucking jewelry and talking about your fucking Prince Albert. Come on. :'''Stewart:''' ''(to Piercings Man)'' He doesn't actually work here. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to everybody else)'' Vamoose, you lot! Fucking vamoose! ''(to Piercings Man)'' Come on, Johnny fucking Depp. Get in here. :'''Piercings Man:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Get off! :'''Malcolm:''' I'll fucking shove a fucking magnet down your throat and watch your fucking face implode! Get in there! :''(The Piercings Man comes into the studio)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Here he is. Piercings. In you go. Sit down there, son, no problem, go ahead. :'''Richard:''' Now, I assume you're here for the piercings debate... <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm Tucker vs. Stewart Pearson: The Spin Doctor Showdown!)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Here's the fucking thing. Nobody talks about fucking dodgy donors, okay? Because it makes everybody look bad. :'''Stewart:''' Okay, I'll go with a different angle, then. How do you think it would land with your female voters if they were to find out that Tom Rudd forced his secretary into having an abortion? :'''Malcolm:''' That was her own personal choice, and by the way, it wasn't his. ''(whispers)'' Over here. :''(Malcolm and Stewart walk away from the studio)'' :'''Stewart:''' Wow! So him paying for a private clinic, then, was just because he's such a nice man? :'''Malcolm:''' He IS a nice man. What about your nice man at Central Planning, eh? The one who got a bit carried away and fucking slapped his kids about a little bit too much? Fucking broke the skin! But he wasn't such a nice man, was he? But I suppose that's just part of your "common sense checklist," yeah. All they need is a good slap and do please remember to leave your fucking rings on! :'''Stewart:''' You go check your facts, Malcolm. That was a domestic accident and nothing more. :'''Malcolm:''' Domestic accident, yeah, 'cause he's got fucking hands the size of fucking doors! :'''Stewart:''' Oh, you want to talk about hardmen, Malcolm, yeah? Now I know you've got to be hard to be a chief whip, but really, coke dealing at university? :'''Malcolm:''' Oh! Please, please! :'''Stewart:''' Hey, am I right in thinking he's now godfather to one of the PM's kids, yeah? :'''Malcolm:''' Listen, you know what I have got at the back of my fucking filing cabinet? I've got a fucking photograph that I've been waiting for a fucking ''rainy day'' to show everyone, which is a photograph of ''your'' fucking [[wikipedia:Shadow_Chancellor_of_the_Exchequer|Shadow Chancellor]], at one of his fucking parties, dressed up in fucking bra, suspenders, and fucking ''blackface!'' What's his defence gonna be, hey, when I email that to the fucking Sun? "Oh, well I am just de Shadow Chancellor"? :'''Stewart:''' Malcolm, he won't have a defense, because you haven't got that picture... :'''Malcolm:''' I have! :'''Stewart:''' Because that didn't happen! However, I do have a statement from a rent boy... :'''Malcolm:''' Oh, that's very useful for you. You can claim that against your expenses, can't you? :'''Stewart:''' Oh, yeah, funny, very funny. :'''Malcolm:''' And you'll get that for free. Is that one of the perks of your fucking job? :'''Stewart:''' No, listen. His statement says...he will swear that one of your prominent back-bench MPs paid him to sit on his chest! :'''Malcolm:''' DON'T! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm and Stewart actually reach a compromise.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Right, look, this is out of order, okay? :'''Stewart:''' Here's the deal. We both, both make statements saying that our guys in there, they were not in possession of all the facts. Hmm? But we're looking into it. :'''Malcolm:''' You'd do that? Hang your own guy out to fucking dry? :'''Stewart:''' What? Peter Mannion, MP? Yeah! Old guard? We're not sending him to DoSac to fatten him up. We're putting him out to pasture, Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' We should just go home. :'''Stewart:''' We can do that. We can just seal this in. Contain the toxicity. Chernobyl FM. :'''Malcolm:''' I mean, you carry on like this and I might not find you utterly fucking contemptible. :'''Stewart:''' That's an incentive. I'll get my bag. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm listens to the radio as he leaves in Nicola's car.)'' :'''Richard:''' Andrew in Suffolk writes, 'The body is a temple. Temples aren't made of metal. Case closed.' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola's driver)'' You couldn't turn that to [[wikipedia:Magic_(Radio)|Magic FM]], could you mate? Otherwise I'm gonna have to tear my eyelids off and scrunch them up into fucking earplugs. <hr width="50%"/> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Phil:''' You just start off about how great the City used to be, then how it's not so great now, and then end with a joke. It's the classic shit sandwich, you know: bread, shit, bread! :'''Peter:''' Phil, if anyone bites into a shit sandwich, they don't say, 'Mmm, bread!', they say, 'Oh fuck, I've got a mouthful of shit! ''(Janice the producer shoves him into the studio)'' You mental bastard! Why have you filled my sandwich with shi–' == Series 3, Episode 6 == :''(This is the opening scene of this episode.)'' :'''Glenn:''' Morning, Ollie. How's your head? Like a bat shat in it at all? :'''Ollie:''' No, I am, if anything, Glenn, I am hung-''under.'' First DoSAC party under the new regime, you lasted 'til, I'd say, seven? :'''Glenn:''' Yeah, well, I do have a life, Ollie. :'''Ollie:''' Yes, but only in the way that, you know, jellyfish or athlete's foot have a life. What was it last night, then? Candlelit annivorcery dinner for one? :''(Terri enters the scene carrying a large plant.)'' :'''Terri:''' Morning. :'''Ollie:''' Hello. (Ollie's curious...) Terri, what actually are you up to? Are you still drunk? :'''Terri:''' No, I had to get in early anyway, because this BBC man's coming. :''(Ollie notices that Terri's wearing trainers!) :'''Ollie:''' Are you wearing trainers? You ''ARE'' wearing trainers! :'''Terri:''' Yes. :'''Glenn:''' Yes. :'''Ollie:''' ''(laughing)'' If Signal toothpaste made trainers, that's what they'd look like. :'''Terri:''' Well, I don't see there's any... :'''Ollie:''' ''(pointing at Terri's trainers)'' This color for healthy breath... :''(Nicola enters the scene, and she's...a little hungover.)'' :'''Nicola:''' Morning, morning. :'''Terri:''' Do please let me... :''(Terri helps Nicola by taking her suitcase.)'' :'''Nicola:''' Thank you very much. :'''Terri:''' Would you like me to take your coffee? :'''Nicola:''' Oh, no. I'm clinging on to that for dear life, I tell you. :'''Terri:''' Well, it will dehydrate you. :'''Nicola:''' Good-o. :'''Ollie:''' Mojito Murray, they now call her. You know, they had to install speed bumps at the bar. She's like Gazza at Euro '96. :''(Ollie mimics somebody getting drunk.)'' :'''Nicola:''' I really love the division of labour in this place. I like the way the women do the heavy lifting and the men do the heavy sarcasm. <hr width="50%"/> :''(While Nicola is conducting an interview with a BBC reporter regarding Nicola's launch of her Fourth Sector Initiative, Glenn and Ollie are discussing the Prime Minister's world tour.)'' :'''Ollie:''' So why is the PM doing this world tour thing? What's the point of that? I mean, he's not easy on the world stage, is he? He walks like his dick's made of glass, you know? Is it a Malc plan? :'''Glenn:''' Could be? Or, you know, Steve Fleming's back, it could be him. :'''Ollie:''' Well, if he's back, it really is the end, isn't it? What are you gonna do when the shit goes down, then? :'''Glenn:''' Oh, plenty of options, Ollie. :'''Ollie:''' You could be a Beefeater. Do you want to be a Beefeater? :'''Glenn:''' Don't you worry about me, Ollie. I've got contacts. :'''Ollie:''' What do you mean, "Don't worry about me"? Are you big in Japan or something? :''(Glenn gives Ollie a wide, sly smile.)'' :'''Ollie:''' What? What's that smile for? Do you need winding? :''(And then, Glenn shares a BIG surprise with Ollie.)'' :'''Glenn:''' I'm going to stand in the election. :'''Ollie:''' (surprised indeed) Are you...Are you serious? :'''Glenn:''' I should hear later today whether or not I've got enough support for the Ilford East long list. :'''Ollie:''' Fucking hell. You on a massive poster. What's your slogan going to be? "He's old and sullen, vote for Cullen." How about that? :'''Glenn:''' Actually...I'm pretty excited about this. :'''Ollie:''' Sort of hard to take on board. It's like being told your dad's gay or something. (Glenn laughs while Ollie continues) I am strangely really proud of you. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Nicola's interview didn't go as well as she wanted it to, and now...Ollie's got some more bad news for her.)'' :'''Ollie:''' Right, so Ben Swain, the man you love to hate and love to sack, actually, is on his way up. :'''Nicola:''' Oh great, I'm flypaper for dickheads today. Right, I'm gonna get out of this funeral suit and chisel off the first three inches of makeup. ''(leaves)'' :'''Glenn:''' ''(seeing Ben arrive)'' Ah, the prodigal Swain returns. :'''Ollie:''' [[wikipedia:Ben_10|Ben 10]], [[wikipedia:Menstrual_cycle|Benstrual cycle]], [[wikipedia:Born_on_the_Fourth_of_July|Ben on the Fourth of July]]! :'''Ben:''' [[wikipedia:Polly_Put_the_Kettle_On|Ollie Put the Kettle On]], [[wikipedia:On_the_Good_Ship_Lollipop|On the Good Ship Ollie-pop]], [[wikipedia:Auld_Lang_Syne|Oll-d Lang Syne]]. :'''Ollie:''' How are things going at the Department of [[wikipedia:Tony_Blair#Leader_of_the_Opposition|Education Education Education]]? :'''Ben:''' They're going up the fuck-pump, Ollie, mainly because you are the Robin Hood of politics. :'''Ollie:''' Well, Robin Hood was a hero. :'''Ben:''' No, he was not a hero, he was a terrorist. You're just stealing from the Education Department and pumping it out as a DoSAC idea. This Back On Track Policy that you launched at your little chimps' tea party last night? Well, that sounds very similar -- ''Very, very sim'' -- Almost identical in fact -- to my Unify Policy that I ''was'' working on here until I was booted out by Knicker-Face. Right, where is Jenni Murray? :'''Ollie:''' No. Well, she's -- I really wouldn't go in... :''(Ben barges in on Nicola in her office -- while she's changing her clothes!)'' :'''Nicola:''' OH! :'''Ben:''' JESUS! :'''Ollie:''' Yes. She's just been doing an interview there, Ben. :'''Ben:''' What? An interview for what? [[wikipedia:FHM|FHM]]? What's she done to her face? She looks like a pissed Aunt Sally. :''(Nicola comes out of her office, and Ben tries to apologize for his rudeness.)'' :'''Nicola:''' ''(to Ben)'' Yeah, I really... :'''Ben:''' I'm very sorry again... :'''Nicola:''' Let's not talk about it ever again. :'''Ben:''' I will forget... :'''Nicola:''' Right. What do you want? :'''Ben:''' ...everything I've seen. Now, Back On Track, it is exactly the same as my Unify Initiative. I know you don't like me, you made that as clear as fish piss by kicking me out of here 10 nanoseconds after you arrived. :''(Ollie's cell phone has started ringing.)'' :'''Ollie:''' Malcolm's calling. I thought he was supposed to be sluicing sand out of Tom's thong in Ibiza or wherever they've got to. :'''Nicola:''' He is, he's away. He's in Spain. Just ignore, ignore Malcolm. :'''Ollie:''' Ignore Malcolm? :'''Nicola:''' Yeah, what can he do? :''(Malcolm is entering the scene on his cell phone. As he enters, he's leaving an odd message on Ollie's cell phone.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Ollie, mate. Ollie, you're not answering your phone and I'm getting really, really worried that you hurt yourself. I just keep getting these terrible images flashing in my head, you know. Of you being stabbed repeatedly in the face. Or of you in a coma on a life-support machine, dreaming about being a gay policeman in the 1970s. :''(But then, Malcolm looks up to see Ollie. Alive and well.)'' :'''Ollie:''' Malcolm, I can explain. :'''Malcolm:''' Ollie. Thank God that you're safe. :''(But just as it looks like Malcolm's getting ready to hug Ollie, Malcolm rudely holds up a mock "Peace" sign and points to Ollie's phone.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' That's from me, [[wikipedia:Zac Efron|Cack Efron]]. ''(Malcolm then notices Ben)'' What's Giant Gaystacks doing here? :'''Ben:''' Um, I'm here, Malcolm, because Nicola has been nicking my policies through Ollie. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Is this true, the Little Man in the Red and Yellow Car? :'''Ollie:''' No. :'''Nicola:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' I've been told by Steve Fleming to think the unthinkable. :'''Malcolm:''' Well, listen, ''I'' am telling you to ''un''-think the unthinkable – Shit, you can't even cope with thinking the thinkable. :'''Nicola:''' Why are you even here? :'''Terri:''' (jogging her way towards Malcolm) Hello, Malcolm. Oh, you look a bit tired. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Terri)'' Yeah. You look incompetent. :'''Terri:''' Yeah, tired and a wee bit grumpy. :'''Malcolm:''' Well, actually, [[wikipedia:Lucille Ball|Lucille Ballbag]], I am here to prep Nicola here for her BBC interview. :'''Nicola:''' A bit late for that. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm has to restart the conversation with Nicola and Terri in Nicola's office.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Terri)'' Terri, I fucking e-mailed you and I told you to move it to later, because I wanted to administer a preparatory fucking verbal cosh. Right? :'''Terri:''' Well... :'''Malcolm:''' And there it is. (Malcolm is looking at the e-mail on his cell phone.) It didn't fuck -- It didn't fucking send! :'''Terri:''' Ah! :'''Malcolm:''' It didn't send, right? :'''Terri:''' There you go. You just owe me an apology, that's all. :'''Malcolm:''' (insulted) I'm sorry? :'''Nicola:''' That's the one. :'''Malcolm:''' That wasn't an apology. That was a "pardon?" I'm sorry. :'''Nicola:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Why aren't you on the Tom tour, by the way? :'''Terri:''' Yeah, I heard Steve Fleming was on the tour. Hmm. Big beast. :'''Malcolm:''' Tiny fucking rodent, more like. He's part of the larger problem. :'''Nicola:''' Which is? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Have you been at Number 10 lately? Jesus, it's like the break-up of the Beatles, right? During the fall of the Roman Empire, while fucking [[wikipedia:Katie_Price|Jordan]]'s getting divorced from [[wikipedia:Peter_Andre|that bloke]]. All happening at the same time in a tiny fucking terraced house, yeah? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' Right, people, listen up! It's a fucking lockdown, right now! :'''Nicola:''' Oh, come off it! We're not in a prison drama, are we? :'''Malcolm:''' We are in a prison drama and this is the fucking [[The Shawshank Redemption|''Shawshank Redemption'']], right? But with more tunnelling through shit and no fucking redemption.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Malcolm:''' Is that trainers that she's wearing? ''(to Terri)'' Are you wearing fucking train– You're supposed to be a civil servant, not a fucking playgroup assistant. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ben:''' It's like wet play, isn't it? :'''Ollie:''' Hah! :'''Glenn''' ''(playing chess over the phone, with a miniature chessboard)'': Queen to knight 4. :'''Ben:''' I never had you down as a chess man, Glenn, I thought you might be more the kind to play Ludo or something. :'''Glenn:''' Do you mind? :'''Ben:''' Oh what, can you not multitask, [[wikipedia:Deep_Blue_(chess_computer)|Deep Beige]]? ''(He and Ollie laugh)'' :'''Glenn:''' What, check? Oh, fuck you! :'''Ben:''' Well, you know, politics is like a game of chess, Glenn, insofar as you're shit at both of them.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Malcolm''' ''(answering his mobile)'': Nicola Murray is not going to make a leadership announcement this evening. Permission to speak frankly and off the record, yeah? She's an idiot. I ''know'' that she's in the Cabinet, but look, that's like being disabled at a football match, yeah? I mean, she's very close to the action, but hardly likely to score a goal. That – No! That – How is that offensive? That is a very fair and accurate portrayal of just how fucking retarded she is.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Nicola:''' Are you emailing? Are you stirring this up? Is that why you came into DoSAC today: did you have a big bucket of shit and a whisk? :'''Ben:''' No. ''(beat)'' Yes, a bit. :'''Nicola:''' What are you saying? :'''Ben:''' Just, you know, 'Joan Rivers wants to be the new Prime Minister. Have a look at this clip of her online, staking her bid.' :'''Nicola:''' You treacherous shit. :'''Ben:''' Come on, it's not my fault you've dressed up like a dead geisha. :'''Nicola:''' Why are you doing this? :'''Ben:''' Because I'm bored, it's funny and – and I hate you. There you are, the holy trinity of why. :'''Nicola:''' Do you know, talking to you is like talking to a fucking whoopee cushion! :'''Terri:''' Right. Bit of good news. :'''Glenn:''' What? :'''Terri:''' ''Two'' bits, actually. Um... :'''Malcolm:''' Enough. Can we all just shut the fuck up, okay? So we can gather our thoughts. So, one at a time. [[wikipedia:Private_Godfrey|Private Godfrey]], get to your station. ''(Glenn runs to his desk)'' I want to hear what the word is on the street. :'''Glenn:''' All right, ''(reporting from his computer)'' 'Ben has been seen coming into DoSAC but not going out. Possibly Ben is her running mate as number two in a leadership bid.' :'''Ben:''' Hah! Right, I don't mind going out there now and telling them all face to face just how much I hate Nicola and how unlikely that is to happen, and get myself a sandwich, I'm fucking starving – :'''Malcolm:''' What did I just fucking say, what did I just fucking say? I said one at a fucking time. Stand up. ''(Ben does not stand)'' I'm telling you to fucking stand up, you sack of fucking cum! Stand the fuck up! ''(Ben stands)'' Fucking move, right. ''(Malcolm grabs a keyboard)'' See that? Fucking play with that, right? Never mind your fucking toys, play with that. ''(Malcolm hands Ben the keyboard and pushes him)'' Go and stand in that fucking corner. ''Stand over there, right? And do not move, or I will perform a fucking living fucking autopsy on you! With a fucking rusty spade, and I'll have your kidneys for fucking CUFFLINKS!''<hr width="50%" /> :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ben)'' See, you? Get me a fucking [[wikipedia:Curly_Wurly|Curly Wurly]], right? :''(Shortly afterwards, Ben gives Malcolm a Curly Wurly.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' It's a classic Curly Wurly I wanted. A Curly Wurly should be the size of a small ladder. :'''Ben:''' Your hands have got bigger. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nicola:''' That was utterly humiliating. For fuck's sake, Malcolm! :'''Malcolm:''' Shouldn't that be 'of fuck's sake'? :'''Nicola:''' I don't know what you're talking about. :'''Malcolm:''' May I just quote it to you? 'The Prime Minister is the right man ''for'' the moment.' :'''Nicola:''' Yeah. That's what you told me to say. :'''Malcolm''': ''Of'' the moment, ''of'' the moment, I told you to say '<nowiki/>'''''<nowiki/>'''of'' the fucking moment': there's a huge difference between me saying to you, 'Nicola, I would like to go'' for'' a lovely walk with you', and 'Nicola, I would like to make a hat out'' of'' your fucking entrails!' ''(And then, Malcolm's cell phone rings. Again.)'' Excuse me. :''(Who's on Malcolm's cell phone NOW?)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Steven. ''(beat)'' Yes, well you can tell Tom right now that I'm fucking sweating embryos for him, okay? <hr width="50%" /> :'''Ben:''' Look at this! Takeaway and a fight. All I need now is a handjob in a bus shelter, I've had the great British night out. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nicola:''' Jesus, you're about as on the ball today as a dead seal! :'''Malcolm:''' Hey, that's one of my fucking lines! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' Terri, I thought we had a deal, right? When I need your advice I'll give you the special signal, which is me [[wikipedia:Involuntary_commitment_internationally#United_Kingdom|being sectioned under the fucking Mental Health Act]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' How fucking dare you. Have you any idea of the amount of pressure that has been exerted on my skull, huh? It feels like my brain has been fucking emptied into little packets, into fucking crisp packets. Cheese and onion fucking crisp packets, that contain my living, breathing, fucking brain! :'''Terri:''' Malcolm, I'm really sorry, I – :'''Malcolm:''' ''And these crisp packets'' – cheese and onion, smoky bacon – they've been stomped on. They've been fucking stomped on! By Ben, fucking Nicola – :'''Terri:''' I didn't mean to be horrid – :'''Malcolm:''' AND FUCKING YOU! :''(long silence)'' :'''Malcolm:''' I'm sorry. :'''Terri:''' ''I'm'' sorry. :'''Malcolm:''' ''I'm'' sorry. :'''Terri:''' I'm sorry. :'''Malcolm:''' No, I'm over it, okay? Don't you apologise, don't you fucking apologise, you don't need to apologise. I love this place. I do! I mean, fucking compared to Number 10, this place, this place is fucking tranquil, yeah? Over there, 300 yards down the road, I mean it's like a fucking cancer ward: I mean, there are people in there, they're fucking screaming at each other. They're screaming, 'You gave me this fucking disease. You gave me this fucking disease!' And every corner that I turn, there's another threat, Terri: hacks! Hacks, fucking vampire hacks! And they're slaughtering us, Terri, THEY ARE FUCKING SLAUGHTERING US, AND THEY WANT MY FACE FOR A FLANNEL! :'''Terri:''' Yeah. :'''Malcolm:''' And you know what? I used to be the fucking pharaoh, Terri, I used to be the fucking pharaoh! Now I'm fucking floundering in a fucking Nile of shit! But I am gonna fashion a paddle out of that shit. Yeah? :'''Terri:''' Mmm. Good idea. :'''Malcolm:''' I'm not going down. I am not going down. Yeah? :'''Terri:''' ''(whispers)'' Yeah. :'''Malcolm:''' How are you feeling about things? :'''Terri:''' Well, you know, I'm just trying to do my best and, you know, make sure I can still get home by six o'clock. Do you want a huggle? :'''Malcolm:''' No, I think – That's nice of you, I really appreciate it. Terri, it's been nice to have a chat, but I've gotta get on. :'''Terri:''' Okay. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. Let's get back on track. :'''Terri:''' Get back on track. :''(both leave the room)'' :'''Malcolm:''' As they say, right? :'''Terri:''' Funny to use that phrase. :'''Malcolm:''' All righty-o, okay, Nicola, let's see you in your office, please. :'''Ollie:''' What did he say? :'''Terri:''' Dunno, it was all about ancient Egypt. :'''Ollie:''' Ancient Egypt? :'''Terri:''' Yeah. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Nicola's Fourth Sector Initiative launch speech has bombed...and that's not the only thing that's bombed)'' :'''Glenn:''' Uh, sorry I missed it. Did it go well? :'''Nicola:''' Nope. :'''Glenn:''' Well, uh, more good news. Um...I'm afraid my chances of becoming an MP have been torpedoed...by the U-boat that was you. The selection committee decided that my association with you was too divisive. :'''Ollie:''' The dream is over, eh? :'''Malcolm:''' I'm devastated. I had 500 quid on you being the new Foreign Secretary. :'''Ollie:''' Uh, it's a great loss to regional politics, for sure. :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Nicola)'' By flying so close to your bright Sun like Icarus, I have crashed to the Earth and died. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' Ladies and Gentlemen, the dirty protest is now over; please mop up your shit and fuck off home. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' Make sure fucking Nicola doesn't top herself, eh? :'''Terri:''' Yeah, sure. :'''Malcolm:''' Make sure that Ben does.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Ollie:''' What are you gonna do when the shit goes down, then? :'''Glenn:''' Oh, plenty of options, Ollie. :'''Ollie:''' Really, have you really, you've got plenty of options, have you? ''(Glenn nods.)'' What are those options, let's see, you can't – you can't hold a golf sale sign because of your back, you can't be a prostitute 'cause your waterworks aren't up to it, you can't be a drugs mule, 'cause of your arse, that's too slack, isn't it, so what does that leave you with, you could be – Local weatherman would be perfect; or, er, you could run a whelk stall, how about that? You could be a dinner lady or a [[wikipedia:Speed_bump#Speed_bumps|sleeping policeman]], actually on the road: just lie down, let the cars – You could become one of those people who manipulates their cock and balls into funny shapes for the paying public, it would be nice for them to have a little run out. Or, you could just basically walk into a hospice, and wait to kark it.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Malcolm:''' That's from me, Cack Efron. It's a coded message basically telling you that, if you ignore me or my fucking calls again, I'll fucking rip your head off, right? I'll fucking plant a palm tree in your neck, and I'll fuck you fucking tenderly in its shade! :'''Ollie:''' I can tell you've been away, your threats are including palm trees now.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Jesus Christ, [[Crosby, Stills & Nash|Crosby, Still, Nash and fucking Young]] – Look at the lot of you, it's like walking into an installation at the [[wikipedia:Tate_Britain|Tate Gallery]] that everybody's forgotten about. ==Series 3, Episode 7== :''(At the start of this episode, Nicola and her team are getting ready to launch DoSAC's Healthy Choices Campaign. The scene starts with a delivery man delivering big bottles of water.)'' :'''Glenn:''' ''(to the delivery man, chuckling)'' Oh, that's great. Don't know why we've ordered so much water. We've all got rabies. :'''Nicola:''' ''(on her cell phone)'' So, basically, just get crisps shaped like rockets, rainbow-colored ice cream, you know the stuff that all the other kids have at their parties. :''(MORE big bottles of water!)'' :'''Glenn:''' (surprised) Blimey! More? What are we doing? Opening a dolphinarium? :'''Nicola:''' (off her phone) Good. Sorted. So...Sorry about that. Where were we? :'''Glenn:''' Uh, healthy eating. :'''Terri:''' Beneficial Lifestyle Choices. :'''Ollie:''' Get in! :'''Glenn:''' What? :'''Ollie:''' (happily) I've just landed Andy Murray. :'''Nicola:''' YAY! That's brilliant! Andy Murray? :'''Ollie:''' I've definitely got Andy Murray! :'''Nicola:''' Andy Murray, the face of Healthy Choices. :'''Glenn:''' Oh, all right. :'''Terri:''' The tennis player? :'''Ollie:''' (sarcastically) No, the fucking pianist. :'''Nicola:''' Nicola Murray ''NETS'' Andy Murray! :'''Ollie:''' Well, we both netted him together. :'''Terri:''' Are you sure you want him? :'''Nicola:''' Uh, yeah! :'''Terri:''' Murray? ''(beat)'' Doesn't it sound like nepotism? :'''Nicola:''' (Not appreciating Terri's criticism) Like, in the way people think Russ and Diane Abbott are related? :'''Ollie:''' Yeah. :'''Terri:''' Possibly. :'''Glenn:''' And Bill Murray's her father? :'''Terri:''' Okay, I'll level with you. I don't like him. :'''Nicola:''' (annoyed) Who would you suggest then, Terri? :'''Terri:''' Paula Radcliffe. :'''Ollie:''' ''Pooey Paula?'' That's not healthy. Shitting in your own pants, that's definitely not a healthy image. :'''Glenn:''' She could demonstrate how to do the Hop, Shit and Jump. :'''Terri:''' That is very unfair. It only happened once. :'''Ollie:''' Once is all you need! Imagine if Bruce Forsyth, beginning of ''Strictly Come Dancing...'' (Ollie pretends to poop) "There we go!" You'd never hear the end of that. And quite rightly! :'''Nicola:''' Terri, can we move on from your hatred of Andy Murray, and can we start trailing a major DoSAC initiative? Now, don't give any details at this stage. Just say it's major TBA. :'''Terri:''' TBA? :'''Nicola:''' To be announced. :'''Terri:''' Oh, just... :'''Nicola:''' It's really self-defeating if I have to explain abbreviations to you. :'''Terri:''' Sure, sure... :'''Nicola:''' FFS. :'''Terri:''' ''(to Glenn and Ollie)'' What's FFS? :'''Glenn:''' Oh, for fuck... :'''Nicola:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Oh, we're gonna need Malcolm clearance, Ollie. Okay? ''(to Glenn)'' Glenn, can you get rid of all this water as well? It looks like something out of fucking [[wikipedia:Doctor Who|Doctor Who]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Meanwhile, Malcolm is at home serving Indian food to some journalists.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Here they come, it's the [[wikipedia:Flying_Scotsman|Flying Scots-curry-man]]. ''(sings)'' 'Where's your pappadam?' You have got to try this aubergine, it's cooked in [[wikipedia:Ghee|ghee]], right? I fucking love ghee, it's like fucking [[wikipedia:Free_base|freebasing]] butter. Have some more wine, come on, get quaffing. ''(mobile rings)'' Christ, here we go. ''(answers)'' No, we don't do takeaway, right? ''(all laugh, as Malcolm walks away)'' Listen, see, if this is recorded spam, I'm gonna hunt you down and burst your fucking lungs. :'''Ollie''' ''(at his desk)'': Where actually are you, Malcolm? :'''Malcolm:''' I'm on holidays! :'''Ollie:''' ''Where'' are you on holiday, where? :'''Malcolm:''' Right, OK, I'm in Thailand, in a sex spa. About to get a fucking facial. :'''Ollie:''' Right, quick summary: [[Andy Murray]], famous tennis player, also lovely Scotch person, face of Healthy Lifestyle Choices. Nicola Murray, slightly panicky, er, minister-lady: wonder if that's OK with you? :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah yeah yeah, Andy Murray, yeah, Andy Pandy, fucking Gandhi having a hand-shandy, whatever, just, you know, fuck off out of my life, OK? :'''Ollie:''' Okey dokey! ''(hangs up. To Nicola and Glenn)'' [[wikipedia:Del_Monte_Foods#Pop_culture_references|The man from Hell Monte, he say 'Fucking aye'!]]<hr width="50%" /> :'''Malcolm:''' (apologizing to his guests) Sorry about that. Everybody's heard about the cooking, so it's... :'''Geoffrey:''' So, Malcolm, what's all this about? :'''Malcolm:''' Well, I know that these are hard times for print journalists, yeah? I mean, I read that on the internet. I mean, one day you're writing for the papers and the next you're sleeping under them. :'''Marianne:''' What, so this is like Malcolm Tucker's Soup Kitchen? :'''Malcolm:''' Well, it is, kind of, in a way. I just think that you should have one big square meal before you end up fucking living off white lightning in your own feces. Come on, get stuck in. I'll dish it up for you. :'''Marianne:''' What about Tom bringing back Steve Fleming? Kind of makes you old news, doesn't it? :'''Geoffrey:''' You repositioning yourself, Malcolm? :'''Malcolm:''' This is about a guy sharing his ghee. That's it. Okay? :'''Geoffrey:''' So you're not currying favor, then? :''(Marianna starts laughing at Geoffrey's joke.)'' :'''Marianne:''' (laughing) Sorry... :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Geoffrey, jokingly)'' Fuck you. Get out of my house. Get out of my fucking house. That's it. I know...I mean, no wonder nobody's fucking buying your paper. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Meanwhile, Nicola, Glenn, Terri and Ollie are still getting over Malcolm being on holiday.)'' :'''Nicola:''' He's really on holiday? :'''Terri:''' Malcolm hasn't been on holiday for 10 years. :'''Glenn:''' Malcolm's got to keep moving or he's dead. He's like a shark of [[wikipedia:Bob Dylan|Bob Dylan]]. :'''Terri:''' Well, who's driving the bus? :''(Steve Fleming enters the office and starts greeting the staff.)'' :'''Steve Fleming:''' Morning! Morning, DoSAC. :'''Glenn:''' Oh. :'''Nicola:''' Bollocky bollocks. It's the [[A Christmas Carol|Ghost of Christmas Shit]]. :'''Glenn:''' There's your answer, Terri: that's the man driving the bus, that's [[wikipedia:Reg_Varney|Reg bloody Varney]]. All stops to electoral oblivion, ding ding. :'''Nicola:''' Get in my office, come on. It'll buy us a bit of time. :''(They all do so, as Steve continues to move towards them.)'' :'''Glenn:''' Come on, have a look. :'''Ollie:''' I've never seen Steve Fleming in the flesh. :'''Nicola:''' You're lucky. :'''Ollie:''' For a man who brought us back into power, he's not very imposing, is he? He's like a Lego policeman. :'''Nicola:''' Look at him. Super Mario. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Steve joyfully enters Nicola's office with cups of coffee for her and her team.)'' :'''Steve:''' Morning, campers! :'''Nicola:''' Steve Fleming! :''(Nicola and Steve shake hands, BUT...)'' :'''Steve:''' Oh, no. :'''Nicola:''' Hello. Oh! Okay... :''(At Steve's insistence, he gives Nicola a HUG! Fun for Steve...but not so much for Nicola.)'' :'''Steve:''' (happily) Hello, Nicola. :'''Nicola:''' Hi. :'''Steve:''' You look like you've lost some weight. :'''Nicola:''' (surprised) Do I? :'''Steve:''' Yeah! :'''Nicola:''' I don't think so, but... :'''Steve:''' (very pleased) Oh, I think so, yes. No, your face looks quite gaunt. Muscly. :'''Nicola:''' Does it now? :'''Steve:''' Anyway, I come bearing caffeinated gifts. :''(Steve presents the cups of coffee, and the team is appreciative of his gesture. Then, Steve gets down to business.)'' :'''Steve:''' I'm gonna cut to the chase. I need you to publish...all the crime stats since 2004 as an accompaniment to our Transparent Government launch. From 2004 up to the last quarter. :'''Nicola:''' Okay, we are just about to launch, um, Healthy Choices. ''With'' Andy Murray. :'''Steve:''' Andy Murray! Whoa! (Steve mimes a tennis volley.) Ace! :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Steve)'' Good joke. :'''Steve:''' ''(to Nicola)'' We'll make a Minister of you yet. :'''Nicola:''' I mean, after that, we can try and get you something for, say, end of the week? :'''Steve:''' After? Why after? Why not right alongside? Or, here's a thought...Before. :'''Nicola:''' Because we're under-resourced and it's not a priority. :'''Steve:''' The PM thinks it is a priority. It can be done. ''(beat)'' Oh, I seem to have reached the end of my argument. :'''Nicola:''' Okay. Well, look, um, why don't we say Thursday lunchtime. Okay? :'''Glenn:''' Well, you've got Fran's leaving lunch on Thursday. :'''Nicola:''' I have got a lunch. Thursday afternoon. :'''Steve:''' (still smiling) Yes, I don't give a fuck about Fran's leaving lunch. I'm saying ''Now now now now now now now now. Now!'' :'''Nicola:''' Okay. Chillax. We're on the case, Steve. :'''Steve:''' Lovely. Thank you very much. :'''Nicola:''' Good. Okay. Well, it's a delight to see you again. :'''Steve:''' Oh! :'''Nicola:''' Oh, I get another one. :''(Another awkward hug between Steve and Nicola.)'' :'''Nicola:''' (jokingly) Mind my gaunt face. :'''Steve:''' ''(to the whole team)'' Bye-bye. :'''Nicola's team:''' Bye. <hr width="50%"/> :''(After their first meeting with Steve Fleming...)'' :'''Ollie:''' What do you call that? Obsessive Repulsive Disorder, I would say. :'''Nicola:''' I'm gonna ring Malcolm. Holiday or no holiday, I'm gonna ring Malcolm about this. :'''Ollie:''' ''(impersonating Steve)'' 'Caffeinated gifts!' :'''Terri:''' Malcolm never brought us coffee. I like him. :'''Ollie:''' Yes, well you like bath salts, you're basically an idiot. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Meanwhile, at Malcolm's house with the journalists...)'' :'''Malcolm:''' So everybody's for coffee, yeah? :'''Geoffrey:''' Mmm-hmm. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, I'm sorry I can't do espressos. But I've made this so thick and black, it'll be like fucking drinking plimsolls. :'''Marianne:''' This Steve Fleming thing is gonna end in tears, isn't it? I mean, you sacked him last time. :'''Malcolm:''' All right. Right. Okay. Off the record. Right? Okay? While Steven is a useful tool, and I do emphasize the word "useful" here, I'm still running the show. Right? :'''Geoffrey:''' If you're still running the show, why do you need to tell us? :''(Malcolm calmly -- but still menacingly -- walks up to Geoffrey, with the pot of coffee still in his hand.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' (calmly) Geoffrey, all I'm saying is this: It would be very much fucking appreciated if you could emphasize the fact that I'm at the heart of the government. Because it's fucking true. I am the heart. I am the ventricles. And the fucking aorta. :'''Marianne:''' (chuckling) Malcolm, we get it. You're still the star of the show. :'''Malcolm:''' It's not for me to say, darling. :'''Geoffrey:''' No, you're still the star of the show. Yeah, until they start wheeling out the celebrities. What's next, Malcolm? Ant and Dec as the new fucking litter tsars? That's when you know you're 20 points behind in the polls. :'''Malcolm:''' Oh, well, thank you very much, Mr. Fucking Prick Robinson. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Nicola's getting a phone call from a certain someone...)'' :'''Terri:''' Nicola, it's your nephew on the phone. :'''Nicola:''' What? :'''Terri:''' Your nephew. Andy Murray. :'''Nicola:''' (Very excited) Fuck! On the line, now? ''OH, MY GOD! It's Andy Murray on the line!'' What line? :'''Terri:''' Press two. :'''Nicola:''' He's not there, Terri! Fuck's sake! :'''Terri:''' Maybe it was three. :'''Nicola:''' God, it drives me insane! Is he there now? :'''Terri:''' Yeah, yeah. Hang on, let me just get him off hold. :'''Nicola:''' It really pisses me off! The fucking phones in this whole -- Andy! Hello! It's Nicola Murray, yes! What a delight to talk to you! :''(While NICOLA Murray's chatting on the phone with ANDY Murray, Ollie gets a call on his cell phone from Malcolm.)'' :'''Ollie:''' Hi, Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' Ollie. Andy Murray. :'''Ollie:''' Oh, good. We are literally confirming him as we speak. :'''Malcolm:''' Ditch him. We can't go with celebrities. Right? It's just gonna look bad. :'''Ollie:''' Why? :'''Malcolm:''' We're gonna look desperate, all right? :'''Ollie:''' Well, uh...Steve Fleming likes the idea. :'''Malcolm:''' Never mind what Mummy says. Just do what Daddy says, right? :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, whilst you're on, um, just, um...there's another thing. Uh, Mummy has asked us to publish the crime stats as part of the Transparent Government initiative. Is that all right with Daddy? :'''Malcolm:''' It's fine. :'''Ollie:''' Really? Because, um, Nicola's got that baffled, panicky look like a child on the ghost train. :'''Malcolm:''' Give me a second while I look up my little file of things I really don't give a fuck about. And here we have under the letter N, we've got "nail-bombing golf clubs," there is, uh, the National Trust, there is Newcastle...Nicola Murray. Yes. She's still there. So fucking can Andy Murray and just get on with the fucking crime stats. :'''Nicola:''' ''(still on the phone with Andy)'' I'll make sure Kate liaises with my press whiz kid, uh, Terri Coverley. She's a woman. But listen, if there is anything else we can do for you, ''please'' don't hesitate to call. Dare I say it, we are ''here to serve'', (laughing) if you'll excuse the pun. All right, Andy. Take care. Bye. <hr width="50%"/> :''(But now, Ollie has to give Nicola the bad news...)'' :'''Ollie:''' Malcolm says we have to drop him. :'''Nicola:''' (in disbelief) What? :'''Ollie:''' Andy. He's not in, he's now out. Apparently, according to Malcolm, sent to bed without any barley water. :'''Nicola:''' I mean, he's a fucking tennis player! We're not asking Shane MacGowan! ''Why?'' :'''Ollie:''' It's nothing personal. He just said bringing in celebrities looks desperate. He said it's the sign of a dying government. :'''Nicola:''' We are a dying government! Our hair's falling out, and we're coughing up blood, and our kids are asking us to change the will! :'''Ollie:''' Look, he was quite clear about this. He said just, you know, kill it. Kitten, breeze block, sack, canal. :'''Nicola:''' Oh, I can imagine him being clear about it. Right. We've gotta get on to -- ''(to Terri)'' ''You've'' gotta get on to... :'''Terri:''' Me? :'''Nicola:''' ...Andy Murray's people and find a polite way of saying, "Piss off, Andy. Apparently, you're too well-known to front our public awareness campaign." :'''Terri:''' Right. :''(But Glenn has some GOOD news on the crime stats.)'' :'''Glenn:''' Right! Good news is I have done all that pile and that's in the system. :'''Ollie:''' Excellent. :'''Glenn:''' (stretching his back) Oh, fuck me! :''(But then, Glenn sees a trolley-full of more crime stats headed his way!)'' :'''Glenn:''' ''What the hell's THIS?'' :'''Ollie:''' It appears to be a trolley-full of crime stats. :'''Glenn:''' "Vandalism?" "Bicycle theft?" Oh, this is ridiculous! :''(And just when he says THAT, Glenn kicks open a box of crime stats!)'' :'''Ollie:''' Well, that's given us an unexpected head start, well done. I would kill you but I'd have to add you to the fucking figures. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nicola:''' ''(to Terri)'' Okay. Think about what you're gonna say. :'''Terri:''' Yeah. Okay, I've done that. :'''Nicola:''' What? Already? Is that enough time? :'''Terri:''' ''(on the phone)'' Kate. Hello. Uh, Terri Coverley. Yes. Yeah, we're thrilled about Andy being on board. :'''Nicola:''' ''(whispering to Terri)'' Get on with it. :'''Terri:''' (stammering) No. I'm not actually saying that it's... :''(Nicola then sees Steve Fleming entering the room. Again.)'' :'''Nicola:''' (still whispering) Shit! End the call. End the call. It's Mustache Sally. Fleming! Steve Fleming's here! Put the phone down! :'''Steve:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Ah, Nicola Murray! How are the crime stats coming along? :'''Nicola:''' It's not easy, Steve, as you can see. But Glenn and Ollie are on top of it. :'''Ollie:''' "Other theft?" What the fuck is other theft? :'''Glenn:''' I don't know what other theft is. :'''Steve:''' If you want to stay late, or pull an all-nighter, if you think it'd help – :'''Glenn:''' You want us to work all through the night on this? :'''Steve:''' It would be very much appreciated upstairs. :'''Ollie:''' Hah, well: I'm an atheist. :'''Steve:''' ''(laughs)'' By the Prime Minister. I did get the joke, by the way. :'''Ollie''' ''(mouthing)'': Well done. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm is back from holiday in this scene, and he's having a warm and friendly chat with his loyal assistant, Sam.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' (happily) Good morning, good morning, good morning! I'm back! I'm sorry I left my sombrero at home, but here I am. What do you think of the tan, huh? What do you think of this shade? I call it "Custard Cancer." (Malcolm gets a delivery.) Oh, thank you very much. :'''Sam:''' Where did you go? :'''Malcolm:''' I went to, um, Easter Island. I thought I'd spend my time there re-chiseling all the statues, so that they'd look like Westlife. How about a coffee? :'''Sam:''' Oh, I've sent you a link to Andy Murray's website. There's, uh, something you should see. :'''Malcolm:''' Andy Murray's website? :''(While Sam leaves Malcolm's office to get him a cup of coffee, Malcolm reads about the big news on Andy Murray's website...)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Andy says, "Just agreed to lead the government's Healthy Choices campaign. Eat, live, be well." Fuck a Pot Noodle. :''(Uh-oh...)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Sam, prepare my horse. I ride – to DoSAC! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nicola:''' Hello, Terri. :'''Terri:''' Morning, Nicola. :'''Nicola:''' Who am I, Terri? :'''Terri:''' You're Nicola? Nicola Murray? :''(Nicola nods her head "Yes.")'' :'''Terri:''' Ah. Secretary of State for... :'''Nicola:''' That's right. I'm Secretary of State. So why has a sports personality launched my policy on his fucking website? :'''Terri:''' Ah! No, I know. I know exactly why that is. :'''Nicola:''' You didn't make the phone call, did you? :'''Terri:''' Well, uh, yes. :'''Ollie:''' Nicola, um, in other really bad news -- Good morning, by the way. :'''Glenn:''' (on the phone) This is about the crime stats, yeah? :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, some of the crime stats that we published, as it turns out, were unverified and not ready for being in the public domain. Uh, Marianne Swift from ''The Mail...'' :'''Nicola:''' Oh, Swine-Face Swift. :'''Ollie:''' That's the one. She noticed, uh, a drop in the figures for aggravated burglary in the last quarter. Whereas when she checked it out... :'''Nicola:''' There was no drop. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah. :'''Nicola:''' Right. So Swine-Face Swift and her piggy hack-hog colleagues... :'''Ollie:''' Exactly. So we're getting a lot of, uh, oinking on the phones. So basically what that means is that the department -- well, essentially the royal you, um, seem to have massaged the crime figures. :'''Nicola:''' Great. Thank you, Steve fucking "Ew, Nicola!" Fleming! :'''Ollie:''' Yup. He is a fucking...ninny, isn't he? :'''Nicola:''' Bring my dispatch boxes. :'''Ollie:''' Okay. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Steve:''' Malcolm! :'''Malcolm:''' Oh, there he is, [[wikipedia:Bob_Carolgees|Bob Carolgees]]; how's the wee comedy dog? :'''Steve:''' Welcome back. Good holiday? I hear your kitchen's lovely at this time of year. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well actually, I went to Spain. :'''Steve:''' Oh, nice. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah yeah, I went to Malaga, it was lovely. I was golfing with [[Stephen Hawking]], he's fucking shit. He lied about his handicap. Mind you, I never had to hire a golf buggy, I just sat in his lap. :'''Steve:''' Please. Why do we have to be like this? All this negative energy. Come on! :'''Malcolm:''' What? :'''Steve:''' Well, we've got to work together. So, you know... :'''Malcolm:''' So what? I mean, that doesn't mean we have to like each other, does it? :'''Steve:''' No, I mean... :''(Someone's trying to get past Malcolm and Steve.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to the passer-by)'' Sorry. (He politely lets him pass through.) :'''Steve:''' We both know we don't like each other, everyone knows that, we are the Gallagher brothers of politics. :'''Malcolm:''' How does that work? Does that mean that I'm [[Noel Gallagher|the semi-talented songwriter]] and you're [[Liam Gallagher|the fucking loutish prick]]? That's a lovely analogy. :'''Steve:''' You were the one who forced me out of the sodding band. ''(chuckles)'' Come on, let's have a chat. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm and Steve continue their unfriendly chat in an office.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' You were asked to leave the fucking band. And you wouldn't fucking go, would you? You had to hang on in there, like a [[wikipedia:Limpet|limpet]] up a whale's arse. :'''Steve:''' Why do you thrive so much on being disliked? :'''Malcolm:''' People hate me? Good! Bring it on. Do you know what they say about you? :'''Steve:''' I'm sure you're going to tell me, Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' I'll tell you ''exactly'' what people think about you! :'''Steve:''' All right, go on then! :'''Malcolm:''' ''Fuck-all!!'' :'''Steve:''' Oh, do they? ''FUCK-ALL?'' :'''Malcolm:''' People have ''no'' fucking opinion about you! You're like fucking [[wikipedia:Special K|Special K]] or fucking the Moody Blues. That's you, fucking white noise in the background—Funny? Is that funny? Do you find that funny? :'''Steve:''' No, I don't find anything you're saying funny whatsoever. And I'll tell you a home truth, Malcolm Tucker: The people who are really hated in this country, the people who are really hated, are us. This government. How about we stand together? Let's both be team players, shall we? :''(But then, Malcolm's cell phone beeps.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Were you the Einstein that OK'd this fucking Andy Murray thing at DoSAC? Because I've got ''The Telegraph'' on here. (Steve's cell phone then beeps.) And you've probably got ''The Times'' asking why the budget's been pre-announced on Twitter by fucking Ryan Giggs. :'''Steve:''' (looking at his cell phone) Shit! "The last quarter's crime stats, which DoSAC have published, are unconfirmed projections." Shit! :'''Malcolm:''' That's DoSAC for you. :'''Steve:''' Come on, Malcolm. Team players! :'''Malcolm:''' Bring me sunshine. :''(Both men leave the office.)'' <hr width="50%"/> :''(Meanwhile, at DoSAC, Glenn, Ollie & Terri are on their desk phones, trying to get a better handle on the news of the moment.)'' :'''Glenn:''' (on his phone) No, we're not manipulating the figures. Somebody quite simply made a mistake. No. No, I couldn't possibly say who. :'''Ollie:''' (on his phone) Glenn Cullen. Glenn with one, one N. :'''Terri:''' (on her phone) We have actually decided to go in a different direction from Andy. :''(Steve and Malcolm have entered the room, both making a beeline for Nicola's office.)'' :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Good holiday? :'''Malcolm:''' Shut it, you fucking hairdresser. :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Got any photos? :'''Malcolm:''' I've got a photo of you in a minute with your cock nailed to the desk. Hey, you want to see something that's truly worth photographing? Look at Steve Fleming at work, eh? That's the real master of spin. He's [[wikipedia:Jimi Hendrix|Spinny fucking Hendrix]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''(And now, Steve & Malcolm are confronting Nicola in her office...much to Nicola's dismay...)'' :'''Steve:''' Nicola, you and your department have screwed up! :'''Malcolm''' ''(entering)'': I'd like to agree with the previous speaker, only adding the words 'fucking royally'. :'''Nicola:''' Oh Jesus, am I being gang-bollocked? :'''Malcolm:''' Andy Murray's [[wikipedia:Tim_Henman|Henman]]-fisting us in the press. We can't have that – :'''Steve:''' Well, with undue respect, Malcolm, the crime stats cock-up is a much bigger deal. :'''Nicola:''' This is such a great double act, isn't it? Good Cock, Bad Cock! :'''Malcolm:''' I'll tell you what, why don't you go first, mate? I need a wazz. ''(leaves)'' :'''Steve:''' I like you, Nicola, I quite like you. But darling, I've gotta ask you, what the bloody hell happened? :'''Nicola:''' Like you asked, we published the crime figures from 2004 up to the last quarter. :'''Steve:''' Yes, up to the last quarter but not up to and ''INCLUDING the last quarter, you dozy mare!'' :'''Nicola:''' 'Up to' includes the thing you're going up to. Right? If you say count up to 20, it means count up to ''and include'' the number 20! :'''Steve:''' The events leading up to the Second World War do ''not'' include the Second World War! :'''Nicola:''' We haven't got time for a semantic argument about this. :''(Malcolm returns.)'' :'''Steve:''' Listen, sweetheart – :'''Nicola:''' ''Do not'' fucking call me sweetheart! :'''Malcolm:''' I think you'll find that Steve was addressing me: the 'tache is a bit of a giveaway. :'''Steve:''' I will draft a statement. :'''Malcolm:''' You fucking will not draft any fucking statement! :'''Steve:''' I've been minding the shop! :'''Malcolm:''' You were fucking minding the shop, and what happened? A bunch of fucking schoolkids came in and fucking dropped their trousers and fucking had a shit in aisle 5! :'''Steve:''' Well thank you for giving us a guided tour around the Freudian nightmare of your head! :'''Nicola:''' Could you two decide between you in which order, and from which direction, I'm gonna be shafted? <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm and Steve are playing a "Tug of War" of sorts for Nicola's attention.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Ignore him. Just come with me. Come into my office. :'''Steve:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Let's deal with the crime stats... :''(But Malcolm successfully brings Nicola into his "office..." and shuts Steve out.)'' :'''Steve:''' (knocking on the door) Come on. Malcolm. Malcolm. MALCOLM! (Steve starts laughing uncomfortably) Sorry about this, everybody. :''(Malcolm is happy to shut out Steve, but he's still visibly annoyed.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Goodbye. Give my regards to the rest of the fucking Village People. :''(But then, Terri knocks on the office door.)'' :'''Terri:''' (outside the door) Sorry, Nicola, Mal--um, excuse me. It's Andy Murray. He's-he's insisting on talking to you. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Talk to him. :'''Nicola:''' What? :'''Malcolm:''' Get him back on board. Fucking talk to him. :'''Nicola:''' NO! :'''Malcolm:''' (whispering) Yes. :'''Nicola:''' You cannot be serious! :'''Malcolm:''' Was that an attempt at a joke? :'''Nicola:''' You told me to kill it! I've killed it! :'''Malcolm:''' Right now, some photos in the papers of a very boring man with tight white shorts on is gonna be a very pleasant distraction from Steve's fucking crime stats abortion. :'''Nicola:''' If we need a fucking celebrity, can we try somebody else? Steve Redgrave. :'''Malcolm:''' He's a boring fuck! :'''Nicola:''' Lewis Hamilton. :'''Malcolm:''' Fucking boring, boring fuck. And fucking drives a car. :'''Nicola:''' Chris Boardman. :'''Malcolm:''' Fucking cyclist! Are you fucking mental? ''Everybody'' hates cyclists! Even fucking cyclists hate fucking cyclists! Plus, ''he's'' a boring fuck! :'''Nicola:''' I cannot... :'''Terri:''' (''still'' outside the office) Paula Radcliffe? :'''Nicola:''' No, she shat in the street! :'''Malcolm:''' And she's a boring fuck as well. :'''Nicola:''' How about we just launch the policy without a celebrity? :'''Malcolm:''' (sarcastically) Oh, great idea. "Hello, there. Hi, everyone. I, Nicola Murray, would like to say to you that even though you don't fucking know me from fucking Adam, I think you should cut down on carbs." <hr width="50%"/> :''(Meanwhile, Steve is trying to turn a negative into a positive. He wants to get Glenn and Ollie to fix the crime stats crisis.)'' :'''Steve:''' Lads, let's get this crime stats cock-up sorted. What have you both got so far? :'''Glenn:''' Well, actually, now we've been trying to think of a replacement for Andy Murray. Some of the women footballers...uh, Jessica Clark, or Sue Smith. Or Faye White. :''(Steve's starts smiling, but he's getting annoyed.)'' :'''Steve:''' I ''cannot believe'' the energy going into Andy Murray! (Starts laughing again) I can't! :''(Steve starts leaving DoSAC.)'' :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' What's his problem. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm is talking on his cell phone while heading to his office.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Just try and wrap your gin-addled brain about this, right? I ''did'' say I was at the heart of government. But when... :''(Steve Fleming is already in Malcolm's office.)'' :'''Steve:''' Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' (on his phone) Excuse me. :'''Steve:''' I need to talk to you. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Steve)'' One second, please. ''(back to his phone)'' Listen, when that...When that incident occurred, I was on holiday. Are you saying to me that my wee caravan's a great fucking waste of time? And my stupid fucking wing mirror extensions? :'''Steve:''' (pointing to the TV) The crime stats and Andy Murray, Malc. It's a double fault. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(answering a knock at his door)'' Listen, if you are not a prostitute or a pizza guy, fuck off! ''(to Steve)'' Steve, listen, could you eat or fuck whatever's at the door on your fucking way out, please? ''(to a colleague)'' No thanks. ''(back on his phone)'' How can I be held responsible? What, for what? I've created a what around the government? I've created a vibe? Listen, son, the only fucking vibe you have to worry about is the one that your wife hides in her knicker drawer. ''(back to Steve)'' I am on top of this, okay? :'''Steve:''' Oh, fine, fine. You know, I'm just saying I'll gladly lend you a hand if you feel the need to keep your head down. :'''Malcolm:''' I don't need to keep my head down, because unlike yourself, I don't give blowjobs to truckers. :''(Another knock at Malcolm's office door...)'' :'''Malcolm:''' I SAID FUCK OFF! :''(The door opens, and -- SURPRISE! It's Julius Nicholson!)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Oh, it's Lord Nicholson! What an enormous pleasure this is! :'''Julius:''' (with a big smile) Well, in fact, it's, um, the Right Honorable the Lord Nicholson of Arnage. And the kissing of feet may commence! :'''Malcolm:''' You got all your stuff ready for your official lording ceremony? Have you got your mink thong and your ermine colostomy bag? :'''Julius:''' No, I don't, no. I have to hire that, unfortunately. I can't wear it on the Tube or the bus, but I would. It would be great larks, but there we go. :'''Steve:''' How about a coffee? Coffee? :'''Julius:''' Well, um, if there's coffee going, I'd never say no to a nice cup of coffee. :'''Malcolm:''' Do you not drink coffee anymore? Is it all port and swan's blood these days? :'''Julius:''' Swan's blood. That does sound nice. No, I'm just sort of passing through, because obviously we need to start booting up this crime stats inquiry. But it's in effect an investigation into the facts. But I thought since I was passing through... :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, but you don't have to talk to me about that, do you? 'Cause I was on my holidays then. Did you get my postcard? :'''Julius:''' Well, I will speak to whomsoever I need to speak to, holiday or no holiday? :'''Malcolm:''' Where did you learn to speak like that? Is there a special school that's just you and Brian Sewell went to? :'''Julius:''' I'm gonna leave you to it, frankly. :'''Malcolm:''' So soon? :'''Steve:''' And I'm gonna make tracks as well, Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' Okay, good to see you both. :''(But just before Steve leaves...)'' :'''Steve:''' ''(to Malcolm, softly)'' The problem is that you are shifting from the man people love to hate to the man people just hate. From [[wikipedia:Simon Cowell|Simon Cowell]] to [[wikipedia:Piers Morgan|Piers Morgan]]. :'''Malcolm:''' See you later, and remember, my door's always open. :''(And when Steve leaves, Malcolm throws part of the bagel sandwich he was eating onto the door in disgust.)'' <hr width="50%"/> :''(Glenn and Ollie are reading stories about Malcolm in the newspapers.)'' :'''Ollie:''' I had no idea, no idea that it was Malcolm who drafted Fleming's resignation letter in 2003. :'''Glenn:''' I forgot your political memory only goes back two issues of [[The Economist]]. :'''Ollie:''' Hey! There's a reference to you here, Cullen. :'''Glenn:''' Where? :'''Ollie:''' 'Alleged to have assaulted an elderly aide at a party conference.' :'''Glenn:''' Elderly aide? :'''Ollie:''' Elderly aide. :'''Glenn:''' God, that makes me sound like a fucking stairlift! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm sees Nicola outside his office.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Hey, [[wikipedia:Dora the Explorer|Dora the Explorer]]. :'''Nicola:''' (sighing) Still here, then, Malcolm? :'''Malcolm:''' Time for a milky drink? Come on. Come on in. I wanna have a word with you. :''(Nicola reluctantly comes into Malcolm's office...)'' :'''Malcolm:''' There you go. How was Cabinet? Was it good? Is Tom looking after you? :'''Nicola:''' You're all over the newspapers like a pissing puppy, Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' Well, I think you'll find that's what we masters of the dark arts call a blip. Tomorrow that will all be old news. It'll be like the fucking [[wikipedia:The War of the Roses|War of the Roses]]. Or [[wikipedia:AIDS|AIDS]]. Remember AIDS? Listen, Nicola, see that? Did Julius mention to you about his inquiry? :'''Nicola:''' Yeah. :'''Malcolm:''' The inquiry into the whole fucking crime stats cock-up? :'''Nicola:''' Yeah. :'''Malcolm:''' You know the phone call that came through to me from your office? You know, about the whole idea? :'''Nicola:''' Yeah, yeah. :'''Malcolm:''' It didn't happen, right? :'''Nicola:''' You want me to cover your back? :'''Malcolm:''' I want you to get the old inquiry screen out and slap it on, fucking factor 50, why not? Listen, I'll tell you what. This is what I'll do. I will get for you some really good press attention for your fucking Healthy Choices nonsense. How about that? I'll get you some big fucking healthy headlines. :'''Nicola:''' You're in no position to give me anything. You're not -- you can't even get a fucking bagel cleaned up off your door. Do you mind? :''(Nicola gets ready to leave Malcolm's office, but he's still trying to talk to her.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' What? Do you think I can't get it up anymore? Is that it? You're looking at fucking Lazarus, sweetheart. And not just plain Lazarus. I'm fucking self-raising Lazarus, right? <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm has organised positive press coverage of DoSAC's Healthy Lifestyles policy)'' :'''Glenn:''' Well done Malcolm. :'''Ollie:''' He's very impressive, isn't he? In the way that, you know, [[Mao Zedong|Chairman Mao]] was actually quite impressive. :'''Glenn:''' Well that's the thing about the evil, isn't it, their amazing work ethic. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' How are the hacks? :'''Steve:''' Ready to eat their own cocks. :'''Malcolm:''' They're only journalists, Steve, not fucking [[wikipedia:Rangers_F.C.|Rangers]] supporters. :'''Steve:''' I know they are. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well, I need 10 minutes. I need to google some jokes about Andy Murray. :'''Steve:''' Shall I go first? :'''Malcolm:''' Warm them up. Tell them [[wikipedia:Laurence Olivier|Olivier]] is on his way, but in the meantime, here's an audience with [[wikipedia:Peter Bowles|Peter fucking Bowles]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''(A short time later, Malcolm spots Julius again.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Oh, there he is. Screaming Lord Crutch. I like the flunkies, by the way. That's a very nice touch. It's a wee bit [[wikipedia:Graham Norton|Graham Norton]]. :'''Julius:''' Don't needle me, Malcolm. Not when people are under scrutiny. :'''Malcolm:''' ''I'm'' under scrutiny? :'''Julius:''' Yes. :'''Malcolm:''' I'm fucking Nosferatu. That's really fucking scary. :'''Julius:''' (unimpressed) I'm walking on. We're moving on. I'm Ian Botham. I'm walking on for hospice care. :''(And then, Malcolm sees Nicola...and he sneaks over to her when nobody's looking.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' How's it going with Lord Bonnie Longford? :'''Nicola:''' I've not been in yet. I've just been standing here for 20 minutes. :'''Malcolm:''' So IF this phone call does come up... :'''Julius''' (Seeing what Malcolm's up to) No! No, that's not... :'''Nicola:''' You're nothing if not persistent, are you, Malcolm? :''(Julius breaks up the conversation.)'' :'''Julius:''' Don't do that! I made it quite clear... :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Julius)'' I was standing over there and I thought, "Nicola's choking." But she wasn't. She was laughing, retrospectively, at your massive shiny head. ''(to Steve)'' Oh, what happened? Did you get heckled off? What was the line? "Taxi for [[Tom Selleck]]!" :'''Steve:''' Yeah. Could I have a quick word? Just...just five minutes. :''(Steve takes Malcolm into the office to have a private chat.)'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Steve:''' So, Malcolm, mate. :'''Malcolm:''' What is it? What's...What's the problem? You look like you fucking coughed up your own twin. :''(An awkward silence...)'' :'''Malcolm:''' No, no, no, no...I need to talk to Tom. :'''Steve:''' No, Tom isn't immediately available to you. :'''Malcolm:''' Fuck off. :'''Steve:''' Malcolm, the Prime Minister respects you enormously. :'''Malcolm:''' (on his cell phone) Sam, get a hold of Pat, right... :''(But then, Malcolm's cell phone shuts off.)'' :'''Steve:''' Actually, I'm gonna need that. That's an official Blackberry. :'''Malcolm:''' (answering a door knock) Fuck off! :''(Julius enters the office.)'' :'''Julius:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Right. Your five minutes starts now. :'''Malcolm:''' Fuck off. :'''Steve:''' ''(to Julius)'' This is an acutely private moment, Julius. Would it seem terribly rude if I asked you to ''shit off'' for five minutes? :'''Julius:''' Yes, it would. :''(And now, Nicola enters the office.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Can you fuck off as well? :'''Nicola:''' ''(to Julius)'' Julius, what -- ''(to Malcolm)'' Sorry, excuse me? ''(back to Julius)'' Julius, what is the deal? :'''Julius:''' At ''the moment'', Malcolm is getting ''The Sack.'' :'''Nicola:''' (stunned) Shit. Now? Literally? I mean, in -- I'm actually in the sacking? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Yeah, well, let's see what the fucking Prime Minister has to say about that! Huh? Let's see what he has to say! :'''Steve:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Listen to me a minute! The Prime Minister supports you fully in whatever you decide to do next. :''(Steve presents Malcolm with a pen and paper, in effect asking for his resignation.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' You. Fucking Nicola. Right, tell them. Fucking tell them that there was no fucking phone call. ''(beat)'' Speak! I fucking ask you, speak! Open Sesame! :'''Nicola:''' I'm not, I'm not here, Malcolm. I'm not... :'''Malcolm:''' You are fucking here! :'''Nicola:''' I'm not seeing this. :'''Malcolm:''' Open your fucking mouth for once and say something! :'''Nicola:''' I'm not getting involved. :'''Malcolm:''' You fucking speak! You've always fucking got something to say! :'''Nicola:''' I'm only a Cabinet Minister! :'''Malcolm:''' Fuck off, then! :''(Nicola runs out of Number 10.)'' :'''Steve:''' Malc, Malc – :'''Malcolm:''' Don't fucking touch me! :'''Steve:''' Come on, Malc! :'''Malcolm:''' You cannot fuck me! You cannot fuck me! I am unfuckable! I have never been fucked! And if you fucking try and fuck me, you'll find my fucking arse will fucking grow fucking fangs! :'''Steve:''' Yeah, all right, now come and listen to me! Will you listen to me – :'''Malcolm:''' And fucking snap your fucking cock off – :'''Steve:''' MALCOLM TUCKER, WILL YOU LISTEN TO ME?! :'''Malcolm:''' Go right ahead. Yeah, let's hear it, let's hear it. :'''Steve:''' Listen to me for one second. :'''Malcolm:''' Go right ahead. :'''Steve:''' I wouldn't tell ''you'' what I've just told you ''before'' I'd told the press pack, would I? That would be very very unprofessional. So there's no point in getting angry because the show's over. It's curtains. No curtain call. Everyone ''loved'' the show, but it just wasn't ''buttering'' any ''parsnips'' ANYMORE, BROTHER! :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. You don't have the fucking balls, apart from that great inflated fucking ball on the fucking end of your fucking neck. :'''Steve:''' (looking at the TV behind Malcolm) Ooh, look. Oh... :''(Malcolm's resignation is now the big story on BBC News.)'' :'''Steve:''' (whispering softly) "Malcolm Tucker resigns..." Looks pretty factual to me. :'''Malcolm:''' Fuck this. Fuck this. Fuck you all. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm is now chasing himself into Steve's office!)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Get back to fucking ''[[wikipedia:The Wind in the Willows|Wind in the Willows]]'', 'cause that's where you fucking belong! :'''Steve:''' I didn't ask you to -- I didn't ask you to come back in. Would you leave my office, please? :'''Malcolm:''' I'm not fucking gonna waste my breath on you. :''(And now, Malcolm is marching his way towards Julius! Yelling and cursing along the way!)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Julius)'' As for you... :'''Julius:''' Malcolm, I am sick to death -- You can explain -- :''(Malcolm puts his hands on Julius and pins him up against a door!)'' :'''Julius:''' Don't TOUCH me, Malcolm! :'''Malcolm:''' I'll fucking touch you if I like! :'''Julius:''' Because I'll tell you this, man! :'''Malcolm:''' You'll tell me WHAT? :'''Julius:''' YOU shafted me, boy! :''(Julius fights back and puts his hand on Malcolm!)'' :'''Julius:''' I'll fucking strike you, Malcolm! :'''Malcolm:''' Don't you fucking touch me! :'''Julius:''' I warn you! :'''Malcolm:''' Don't touch that scarf! That's Paul Smith! Twat! ''(to somebody else)'' MOVE! :''(Malcolm is finally leaving Good Ol' Number 10.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' YOU WILL SEE ME AGAIN! (Malcolm heads towards the door.) You will fucking see me again! ''(He leaves Number 10.)'' <hr width="50%"/> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Marianne Swift:''' So all this is homemade, is it? :'''Malcolm:''' Of course it is! Look, I mean, this is going to be like [[wikipedia:Jamie_at_Home|Jamie at Home]], right, except I'm not going to be bouncing around spouting Cockney drivel out of my fat, lisping, ox face. <hr width="50%"/> :''(deleted scene)'' :''(thinking about options other than Andy Murray for the Healthy Eating launch)'' :'''Terri:''' What about [[wikipedia:Lynda_Bellingham|Lynda Bellingham]]? :'''Ollie:''' Yes, that'd be convincing, 'Eat less salt', says [[wikipedia:Oxo_(food)#Marketing|the dancing Oxo lady]], good idea. No one from [[wikipedia:Calendar_Girls_(play)|the stage show of Calendar Girls]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''(deleted scene)'' :''(Reading stories about Malcolm in the newspapers)'' :'''Glenn:''' I forgot your political memory only goes back two issues of The Economist. :'''Ollie:''' That's right, Glenn, you'll have to hold my hand through this complicated world: some of us weren't up the Acropolis the day that you and [[Roy Jenkins]] invented democracy. :'''Terri:''' Oh my God. Did you know that he'd been some kind of womaniser? :'''Ollie:''' You wanna check the Sun, they've got a woman who claims he womanised her three times in a day at the gazebo at Chequers. Front, back, and in the gallery, as I understand it. ==Series 3, Episode 8== :''(At DoSAC, Glenn and Ollie can't get over Malcolm Tucker's resignation.)'' :'''Glenn:''' You know, I just can't quite believe this. I mean, this is the single most shocking thing I've seen in politics since the SDP. I thought he'd at least go out with a bang or a killing spree. :'''Ollie:''' I always imagined he'd just shout so hard his lungs would come up and choke him to death. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Over at Opposition HQ, however, Malcolm's departure is being celebrated by Peter Mannion and his team.)'' :'''Peter:''' End of an era! :'''Emma:''' Yeah, a really shit era though, isn't it? :'''Phil:''' ''(cheering)'' WHOO! :'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' Oh, f-- Calm down! :'''Phil:''' Balrog's dead! I mean, that's it. I mean, they're done. I mean, no one can replace him. It's like when Queen lost [[wikipedia:Freddie Mercury|Freddie]]. You know. Certainly not [[wikipedia:Paul Rodgers|Paul Rodgers]]. :''(Stewart Pearson, however, wants no part of the festivities. He wants everyone to get back to business.)'' :'''Stewart:''' All right, everyone. That's the two seconds of respect due to him. Now get back to your desks and do something, okay? ''(to a female worker)'' Not the sofa! Who are you, Lorraine Kelly? Get out here and do something! If you've nothing to do, leave, because you're clearly surplus to requirements! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Steve is at DoSAC, trying to gently assure everyone that everything's alright.)'' :'''Steve:''' Um, lads and lasses! ''(He laughs)'' Please, just a quick word. Thank you. Really, it's just a hand-hold to set the tone for a slightly re-jigged regime. I've done all the important departments, and now I've got to you. ''(He laughs again)'' Seriously, I've done that joke everywhere, but, uh, even with the genuinely big departments. So I'm not -- ''(imitating gun fire)'' -- aiming at you in any sort of a snide way. I'm just checking that we're all at the very top of our games. ''(Steve then looks at Glenn, who's looking at his cell phone.)'' Glenn, mate? :'''Glenn:''' Sorry. :'''Steve:''' Are you on top of your game? :'''Glenn:''' I am -- I am ''above'' my game. I-I'm in a geo-stationary orbit, way above it, looking down and going, "Hello, game, it's Glenn!" :'''Steve:''' (laughing) Right! You know, there's an election looming. This is quite a serious time. We need to be aware of that. (Steve points in Glenn's direction, smiling) But I love humor, and that was good humor. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm is at home with a man going through alternative career options.)'' :'''Man:''' Do you want to swim the Channel for [[wikipedia:Scope_(charity)|Scope]]? :'''Malcolm:''' No! :'''Man:''' Do you want to do ''[[wikipedia:Dragons'_Den_(UK_TV_series)|Dragon's Den]]'' for ''[[wikipedia:Children_in_Need|Children in Need]]''? :'''Malcolm:''' I'd rather fuck a real dragon. :'''Man:''' Would you consider promoting a politically themed restaurant? :'''Malcolm:''' How does that – how does that even work? Oh fuck no, I don't care. :'''Man:''' Would you like to write a children's book, called 'The Angry Spider'? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Steve:''' So, everything: Good. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, you know, a bit of instability with Malcolm gone, a sort of sense of Post – you know, Psychotic Twats Disorder, but – :'''Steve:''' No no, listen, I understand, but you know, right now, you're all emerging from the cellar – pleased that the beatings have stopped - scared of what the future might hold, but long-term, I think we're all going to be okay. Pep talk, over! Return to your desks, and prepare for government. :'''Ollie:''' We're in government. :'''Steve:''' ''(smiling, but clearly annoyed)'' Well then, prepare to ''stay'' in government. :'''Ollie:''' Oh right. How do we do that? :'''Glenn:''' We pack an overnight bag. :'''Steve:''' ''(apoplectic) Will you '''PLEASE, FUCKING WELL –''' (Steve immediately composes himself, and lets out a forced laugh)'' I'm sorry, I've lost my temper! Where is it? Where is it? Oh, no, I've found it again. It's alright. :'''Ollie:''' Always in the last place you look, eh? :'''Nicola:''' ''(to Steve)'' So, can I...? :'''Steve:''' Yeah. :'''Nicola:''' Great. :'''Steve:''' Uh, actually, can I have a word with you, Nicky, please? :'''Nicola:''' Yeah. Nicola. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Steve wants to talk to Nicola in her office about the upcoming election...and he's standing a bit too close for her comfort.)'' :'''Steve:''' I just wanted to check. Obviously, Dan Miller's cabal is going house to house through the cabinet looking for numbskulls stupid enough to resign to trigger his elevation to the throne. :'''Nicola:''' ''(nodding)'' Obviously. :'''Steve:''' What I need to know is are you solid? :'''Nicola:''' Yeah, I am completely -- I am solid as, as the proverbial. As-as a rock. As a rock-hard...as a sailor's wang on shore leave. :'''Steve:''' ''(very pleased)'' Superb. You really are the potty mouth, aren't you? :'''Nicola:''' ''(chuckling)'' Well, a lot to do. :''(After Steve leaves her office, Nicola calls out to Glenn & Ollie.)'' :'''Nicola:''' Ollie, Glenn, in here now. Quick, quick, quick. :''(Glenn approaches the office while taking off his glasses.)'' :'''Nicola:''' Oh Glenn! Don't faff around with your glasses, I know you take them off every time you come in here. It's not impressive. ''(to Glenn and Ollie)'' What do we know about the anti-Tom cabal? Why have I not been contacted by them? :'''Glenn:''' Well, um, uh... :'''Ollie:''' Because it would be you...uh, you're seen very much as an individual around the, uh... :'''Nicola:''' ''(embarrassed)'' That's bollocks, isn't it? It's 'cause I'm the girl at the party nobody wants to dance with. I'm the freak in the corner with a pint of cider and blackcurrant and the funny eye. :'''Ollie:''' No no. I-I mean, it's...You know, it a big, big Rolodex full of numbers. I'm sure... :'''Nicola:''' ''(to both Glenn & Ollie)'' Thank you. You may go. :'''Glenn:''' ''(stammering)'' We st-We still would like to dance with you. :'''Nicola:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Oh, fuck off. Go and put your glasses back on. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm is watching the nightly TV news at home when, all of a sudden, his cell phone rings...)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Hello, Phillip Schofield, I fuck lobsters for money. :''(Somebody is telling Malcolm something important.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Oh? <hr width="50%"/> :''(Julius Nicholson is trying to persuade Malcolm Tucker to return as the two of them are sharing an Indian take-away meal.)'' :'''Julius:''' Take the rice first. :'''Malcolm:''' Thank you. :'''Julius:''' Um, I want you to be very clear, Malc, about why it is that I brought you in. Do you know what hat it is that I'm wearing? :'''Malcolm:''' Is it your baldy swimming cap wig? :'''Julius:''' No, it is my government troubleshooter stetson, which is a long way from my homburg of sober inquiry. :'''Malcolm:''' Do you know that I'm thinking of doing a television program? :'''Julius:''' Well, I had heard something on the grapevine. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, it's good. You know that program ''[[wikipedia:Civilisation|Civilisation]]'' with Kenneth Clarke? :'''Julius:''' Oh, yes. :'''Malcolm:''' It's gonna be like that, except with fucking more quim, you know? It's me, Simon Schama and Alan Yentob in a cage, fucking lump hammer each, whacking the shit out of each other. The last man standing wins a fucking [[wikipedia:Ford Focus|Ford Focus]]. :'''Julius:''' The thing is, Malcolm, your departure has basically precipitated a call-to-arms, in effect. We have it on reasonably good authority that there are between three to four cabinet ministers who are disgruntled and are planning a mass resignation. And that means, very simply, a Dan Miller coronation. And as my nephew would say, "This shit just got real." :'''Malcolm:''' Your nephew? :'''Julius:''' Yeah, he's at Charterhouse. Only a day boy, not a boarder. Anyway, the fact is it has to be stopped. Um...There have been a number of ideas being tossed around. And one of them is...would you be prepared to come back? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(in disbelief)'' Are you out of your tiny, shiny fucking mind? :'''Julius:''' Look, we can do this simply. :''(Julius picks up four colored pencils.)'' :'''Julius:''' Step 1: Are you interested? Of course you are. ''(Julius drops a pencil)'' Step 2: Will you come back? Yes? ''(He drops another pencil)'' Superb. Step 3, and this is the important step: Will you use your considerable influence to destroy the cabal? Can I drop it down? ''(Julius drops down that pencil, too)'' Fan-dabi-dozi! Step 4: It's party time. Let's tool up with basmati rice and...Wahey! :'''Malcolm:''' ''(rightfully confused)'' You're asking me -- to come back here and mop up the fucking splatter from my own assassination? :'''Julius:''' You know where the bodies are buried. And we'll just say you're coming back to advise, it's election strategy, it's not a day-to-day government business role. :'''Malcolm:''' I can't come back again unless I know that I'm in the clear in your report. :'''Julius:''' I'm not in a position to discuss that; not with my current hat on. However, would I be sat here now if the man in the other hat—which is also me—wasn't sure that everyone involved in this inquiry didn't come out relatively well? :'''Malcolm:''' And what about Steve Fleming, yeah? You schizo hat fuck? :'''Julius:''' Let me put it this way: You see this onion bhaji? Let us pretend for a minute that this onion bhaji is the problems that would be caused by a report that criticised you or Steve Fleming. Hmm? Watch. ''(Julius takes a bite of the bhaji.)'' You see what I’m doing? I’m eating.. the onion bhaji. ''(He eats the rest of the bhaji.)'' Why? Because I am the man that makes the bhaji go away. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Steve approaches Julius while he's feeding ducks)'' :'''Steve:''' The rain in Spain stays mainly on the plain. :'''Julius:''' Well, actually, that is a popular misconception because what happens is the rain falls just before the mountain ridge, but they wouldn't want you to know that because it would spoil the rhyme. :'''Steve:''' Julius, what's up, Boo Boo? ''(both laugh)'' :'''Julius:''' Not much, I'm just feeding some victuals to these poor old ducks. That red-crested pochard there is positively ''hoggish'' with this Hovis. :'''Steve:''' I heard certain rumblings that I don't come out terribly well in this report of yours. Off the record, matey, am I fucked? :'''Julius:''' Off the record, and this is strictly between you, me and that ornamental gatepost over there, of course; the report is strictly confidential until publication. Haha, do you see what I've done there? The bald man has done a funny. :'''Steve:''' It's not funny. No, it's not funny at all, Julius. :'''Julius:''' ''(continuing to laugh)'' I beg to differ. I think I'm on sparkling form. :'''Steve:''' ''For '''fuck's''' sake!'' You ''FUCKING... Pontius'' Pilate, with the emphasis on '''''PONCE!''''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Glenn:''' ''(reading a headline about Steve and Julius on'' Times Online'')'' 'Care to do another draft, Sir Whitewash?' :'''Ollie:''' What have ''The Mirror'' got? :'''Terri:''' 'Give us the bald facts?' Oh it's very rude that, isn't it: I was always taught never to make personal remarks about people. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Glenn:''' OK, listen up everybody, that was Gavin over at Number 10. He reckons that Steve Fleming has just joined the cabal. :'''Everyone:''' Ooh! :'''Terri:''' That's a complete disaster, there'll be nothing else on television for weeks. :'''Ollie:''' Where's Malcolm? Where's the dark knight in all this? :'''Glenn:''' Malcolm will have grabbed his false passport by now, he'll be on a plane to Brazil, and he's about to spend the rest of his days being [[wikipedia:Marathon_Man_(film)|the world's scariest dentist]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nicola:''' Hello. You all right? You've got that 'cock in the cookie jar' look. :'''Ollie:''' He's back. :'''Nicola:''' Who? Barrymore? :'''Ollie:''' No. :'''Nicola:''' Clement Attlee? ''(realises)'' Oh fuck! :'''Ollie:''' Yes. :'''Nicola:''' Malcolm. :'''Ollie:''' Yes. :'''Nicola:''' Oh, no. God, he's gonna kill me. I was there when he was being sacked and he asked me for help, and I held out and now he's gonna want revenge isn't he? Fuck, fuck, fuck, it's gonna be like 'Kill Bill' or 'Get Carter', only it's gonna be 'Get and kill Nicola and then get Carter and Bill to fucking kill her too'! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nicola:''' Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' Hey Nicola! How are you doing? :'''Nicola:''' You're back. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah I'm just, you know, tying up a few loose ends. :'''Nicola:''' With which you're going to plait some kind of garotte and strangle me. :'''Malcolm:''' Forgive and forget. That's my motto. :'''Nicola:''' I thought your motto was '[[wikipedia:Who_Dares_Wins|Who fucks wins]]' or '[[wikipedia:Honi_soit_qui_mal_y_pense|Honi soit qui Malc y fuck]]'. :'''Malcolm:''' I've got a lot of mottos. Don't take that job, Nicola. :'''Nicola:''' God, Malcolm – :'''Malcolm:''' The anti-Tom brigade are just waiting for the first piece to fall. If you resign, it's political fucking Jenga. You will cause a landslide that will ''bury'' this Government. And you'll keep the party in opposition until Daniel Radcliffe is advertising walk-in baths in the fucking [[wikipedia:The_People's_Friend|People's Friend]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Julius:''' You... :'''Malcolm:''' Julius! :'''Julius:''' ...are a naughty bastard! :'''Malcolm:''' ''(Holding up Julius' report)'' Best thing I've read all year. It's the only thing, mind you. :'''Julius:''' You've done some pretty awful things to me in my time, but this takes the bloody biscuit. And you've pissed on that biscuit and I've got to eat it. Well, here's the news, Malcolm, I will not eat the pissy biscuit! :'''Malcolm:''' Sam, no pissy biscuits. ''(to Julius)'' What are you going on about, Julius? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' Are you off to clear your desk, Steve? Don't forget your lucky [[wikipedia:Gonk|gonk]], and your "World's Shittiest Dad" mug. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Steve:''' I'm going to resign from the Cabinet. And then, I'm going to join Dan Miller's team. ''(beat)'' I think we need a new leader. ''(walks off)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(following)'' Steve! :'''Steve:''' Oh, no, no, no! :'''Malcolm:''' Steve, don't you ever take up fucking poker, 'cause you're a crap liar. :'''Steve:''' I am gonna join Dan Miller's team and then we are gonna take you down; we are gonna take you down to funky town! ''Funky Town Centre, here you come!'' ''CHOO FUCKING CHOO!'' :'''Malcolm:''' Is this what you're threatening me with, fucking disco lights and a fucking choo-choo train? You're a joke, Steve! :'''Steve:''' ''(laughing)'' There's nothing you can do! :'''Malcolm:''' Steve! :'''Steve:''' Yeah? :'''Malcolm:''' There's ''one'' thing I can do! :'''Steve:''' What are you gonna do? :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, wouldn't you like to know! :'''Steve:''' Who are you gonna meet? Who's your meeting with? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(walking off)'' Bye-bye! :'''Steve:''' ''I'M NOT FUCKING WORRIED, MATE!'' ''(walks down the corridor)'' Fuck him! Fuck him! Fuck him! Fuck him! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stewart:''' All right now, listen up, my children of a lesser god, you will find a file marked 'Snap Election Drill' on the J drive. And if you don't know how to access the J drive, hand your pass in at reception, go and buy some silver body paint, and pretend to be a robot on the [[wikipedia:South_Bank|South Bank]]. Fly my pretties, fly! :''(Suddenly, Phil's cell phone rings.)'' :'''Phil:''' Stewart! Stewart, The Fucker's downstairs. :'''Stewart:''' No, no, no. He's not downstairs, but if he were, I'd know about it, and if I knew about it, I would have vetoed it. Okay? :'''Emma:''' He is, and he is complete poison. :'''Peter:''' Ah, The Fucker! ''(to Stewart)'' And you thought he was just a myth created to frighten naughty MPs into eating all their truffles and swan. :'''Stewart:''' Watch my lips. Cal Richards is not here. :''(But Cal Richards IS there...and he's headed their way.)'' :'''Stewart:''' Cal! :'''Cal Richards:''' Hello. :'''Stewart:''' Hi. :'''Cal:''' Hi, Stewart. :'''Stewart:''' Good to see you. I didn't know about this. JB didn't say anything. :'''Cal:''' Hello, everyone. I just wanted it to be a surprise. :''(Cal shakes hands with Peter, Phil and Emma while he's talking to Stewart.)'' :'''Stewart:''' Yeah, why are you...why are you here? :'''Cal:''' Well, mate, I just thought I'd check in with the intellectual powerhouse of the party. That's all. That's why I'm here. :'''Stewart:''' Right. Well, if you want to step in the office, yeah, I'll dismiss the children and we can talk. :'''Cal:''' No. 'Cause I'm kidding, aren't I? No, because I've come here to tell you that you're fucking sacked. :'''Peter:''' (thrilled) Halle-bloody-lujah! :''(A look of doom comes over Stewart's face...)'' :'''Phil:''' Should I escort Stewart from the building, then, Cal? :'''Emma:''' Philip, Don't be such a fucking turncoat. :'''Cal:''' Yes, Philip, excellent idea. And while you're there, could you do me another favour, please? Could you find a hostel, go there, and take a fucking overdose of barbiturates? :''(Emma chuckles at Cal's request.)'' :'''Stewart:''' Yeah, right. Okay, well, I'm not fired. You can't fire me, Cal, so shall we just cut to the chase? Hmm? :'''Cal:''' (pretending to talk like a baby) "Aw, you can't fire me, Cal, 'cause you're..." Gotcha! I'm kidding. Of course you're not fired. Look at your face. :'''Stewart:''' (smiling, but not amused) Funny. :'''Peter:''' I'm sensing a change in management styles here from touchy-feely to smashy-testes. :'''Cal:''' No, okay, joking aside, I'm just an impartial observer. Quite partial, obviously. So, uh, take it away, [[wikipedia:Captain Mainwaring|Captain Mainwaring]]. :'''Stewart:''' ''(to the crowd)'' All right, folks, listen up. We have three key targets when we are smart-bombing our beloved PM and they are: The deficit, unemployment, lack of leadership. Get onto the J drive, you'll find key... :''(And then suddenly -- Cal EXPLODES!)'' :'''Cal:''' ''FUCK, THAT IS BRILLIANT!!'' THAT IS INSPIRED! WHAT SAUCE! GET IN! [[wikipedia:It's_the_economy,_stupid|IT'S THE ''ECONOMY'', STEWPOT]]! Fuck, what I REALLY need to do is to shoot you all in the back of the head! ''(imitating a gun)'' FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! But I can't, because it's illegal! :''(Then, Cal calms back down again.)'' :'''Cal:''' Okay, I'd like a small cappuccino, two extra shots, please. I think we've got a long night ahead of us. ''(to Stewart)'' Come on! :'''Stewart:''' ''(to Cal)'' I'm coming. ''(to Peter)'' Better the devil you know, huh? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Terri''' ''(on the phone)'': I think we're just playing it in the wrong key. It's when we go, ''(sings at a low pitch)'' 'Red and yellow and blue' – :'''Nicola:''' What's she talking about? :'''Ollie:''' Oh. She's putting on her annual production of ''[[wikipedia:Joseph_and_the_Amazing_Technicolor_Dreamcoat|Joseph]]'', in Hemel Hempstead. She doesn't license it ever because she considers ''Joseph'' to be public domain. :'''Terri:''' But I need to just pitch it a little higher. More like, ''(sings at a much higher pitch)'' 'Red and yellow and blue and green' – :'''Glenn:''' She's directing it. And starring. :'''Ollie:''' As Jacob. :'''Nicola:''' With a beard? :'''Ollie:''' Well, one assumes with a beard. Maybe she'll just let herself go for a couple of weeks, see what happens. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm Tucker and Cal Richards are giving pre-election pep talks to their respective parties)'' :'''Malcolm:''' I know what people say to you, right? They say: 'We hate you. I hate you, I hate you, I hate you.' Everybody hates you. So fucking what? Some people, they just fucking love to hate. Some people, they'd fucking walk around the fucking Garden of Eden fucking moaning about the lack of fucking mobile reception. These are the kind of fucks who watched ''Mandela'' – fucking Nelson Mandela – walk to freedom, and said 'Is ''[[wikipedia:Diagnosis:_Murder|Diagnosis: Murder]]'' not on the other side?' So we fucking forget about them. :'''Cal:''' This government has run this country into the ground. This used to be a [[wikipedia:And_did_those_feet_in_ancient_time#"Green_and_pleasant_Land"|green and pleasant land]], now it's the colour of the fucking BBC Weather map. It looks like anaemic dogshit. :'''Malcolm:''' JB, Cal Richards, and their ''hordes'' of fucking robots, they're coming over the hill, towards us! And all you have got to do is this: bend down, pick up any fucking weapon you can, and ''twat'' the fuckery out of them – :'''Cal:''' This government is maimed, but it can't be shamed. It will. Be. FUCKED! :'''Malcolm:''' Let's get out there, and let's fucking kill them, LET'S SET FIRE TO TEARS! Let's go! ''(all applaud and cheer)'' Come on! Let's go, yes! :'''Cal:''' OK, let's get going. :'''Phil''' ''(to Emma)'': What do we do? :'''Cal:''' ''(on an office phone)'' What do I call for an outside line? :'''Emma:''' That was great, wasn't it? :'''Phil:''' What do we do? :'''Cal:''' Is it 9, 'cause that's what it is everywhere else? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cal:''' ''(to an anonymous Opposition member of staff)'' Stop saying "Abingdon" to me, I want a fucking chocolate biscuit!<hr width="50%" /> :'''Peter:''' Yeah, for the first time in a decade, I can feel the old dog twitching to life. :'''Phil''' ''(Chinese accent)'': 'So sorry me! This election give me an erection.' :'''Peter:''' The old dog I was referring to was me. <hr width="50%"/> :''(All DoSAC staff are leaving because of the election)'' :'''Terri:''' See you, Nicola! ''(to herself)'' Or not.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Ollie:''' Is this good, all this panic? I haven't seen ''[[Snakes on a Plane]]'', but I imagine this is pretty much how people would react on finding their plane was brimming with snakes. :'''Nicola:''' Except Malcolm is the snakes, isn't he? I mean, this is more ''Snakes Not on a Plane''.<hr width="50%" />''(deleted scene)'' :'''Malcolm''' ''(walking into Steve's office)'': Steve! Look! I've made an unexpected comeback. Like [[wikipedia:Noel_Edmonds|Noel Edmonds]] or secondary cancer. :'''Steve Fleming:''' Don't get any ideas, Malcolm. I can cut you loose any time I like; I can toss you aside like an unwanted [[wikipedia:Panettone|panettone]], which, I warn you, is ''most'' panettones.<hr width="50%" />''(deleted scene)'' :'''Cal Richards''' ''(giving his pre-election pep talk)'': Remember, this government is like going out with Madonna: at first you think, 'Result'; now we wake up every morning to see an increasingly crazed, craggy-faced egomaniac who jumps on every fucking passing bandwagon.<hr width="50%" />''(deleted scene)'' :'''Terri''' ''(leaving an answerphone message)'': If you have any political enquiries, at any time, 24 hours a day, Oliver Reeder and Glenn Cullen will take – :'''Ollie:''' 24 hours a day? Fuck off. No, we're political advisors, we're not fucking prostitutes. :'''Terri:''' Well, you've spoilt it now. ==Series 4, Episode 1== :''(At the start of this episode, Peter Mannion is headed to the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship -- DoSAC, for short. He is talking on his cell phone to his wife. Today's their wedding anniversary.)'' :'''Peter:''' No, of course I know it's our anniversary. What do you think the card was for? ''(Peter's wife said something to him.)'' I left it on the kitchen table. :''(Peter's wife may not have seen the card.)'' :'''Peter:''' Oh, right. My bad, as they say.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Terri:''' You're a very tidy man, aren't you? :'''Phil:''' 'There's no happiness without order.' It's a Nazi quote, but nonetheless stands the test of time.<hr width="50%" /> :''(We now find out that Peter has a partner at DoSAC in the "Coalition Government.")'' :'''Peter:''' ''(still on his cell phone with his wife.)'' Well, I can't leave before my Coalition partner. Fergus, I told you. (And now, poor Peter's cranky.) Well, I say partner. He's Lewis, I'm Morse. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Peter's partner at DoSAC is Junior MP Fergus Williams. Fergus and his advisor, Adam Kenyon, are proudly getting ready to launch a policy they created, called Silicon Playgrounds.)'' :'''Adam Kenyon:''' I hate to ask, but I've got to ask. Are you ready for today, Fergus? :'''Fergus Williams:''' Yeah. Somewhat. :'''Adam:''' Silicon Playgrounds are -- is -- go. :'''Fergus:''' I just hope Mannion can keep his baccy-stained fingers out of it. :'''Adam:''' Don't worry about Mannion. He's allergic to the 21st century. :'''Fergus:''' Yeah, he didn't like the 20th much and the 19th makes him fart papyrus. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Peter:''' ''(STILL on the phone with his wife...)'' Well, we could celebrate it another time. I mean, technically, and thrillingly, it'll be our anniversary all year! ''(Suddenly, Peter sees the rest of the team coming.)'' Oh, sorry darling, I've gotta go, I think the bailiffs are coming to take away my will to live.<hr width="50%" /> :''(Peter, Fergus, Adam, Phil and Terri join Emma and Stewart in the Meeting Room to discuss Silicon Playgrounds.)'' :'''Stewart:''' Okay, folks, today's headline in Copperplate Gothic Bold, font 72, is: Emma and I broke the fast this a.m. with the PM. :'''Emma:''' And it is a massive yes. So our Silicon Playground initiative is going to be the standard bearer for the Networked Nation. It is a double, double win. :'''Stewart:''' Yes, a double win for both babies of the Coalition, yeah? :'''Emma:''' Absolutely. :'''Stewart:''' (happily) It's "win squared!" :'''Peter:''' Terrific. Right, shall we do a Mexican wave round the table? :'''Fergus:''' From my P.O.V., re all this, big hurrah. We're ready to upload, i.e. let's launch the fucker. :'''Stewart:''' Great, I'm registering your energy, Fergus, but we've decided it's going to be launched by...the Secretary of State for Social Affairs and Citizenship. :''(Fergus and Adam are understandably upset about not being able to launch their policy...but Peter is actually a little MORE upset.)'' :'''Peter:''' (moaning) ''Ohhh...All my gallstones have come at once.'' :'''Fergus:''' Are you fucking serious? :'''Adam:''' What is wrong with you people? Peter can't even right-click a fucking mouse. :'''Phil:''' Well, he can, it's track pads he has a problem with. :'''Adam:''' ''(to Stewart)'' No. No, you come in here like Dr. Robotnik and say, "Oh, I'm sorry." We put in the graft on this. You can't just take it off us. :'''Stewart:''' Oh, I think we can. You see... :'''Emma:''' We can. :'''Stewart:''' You see, Coalition's like a band, guys, yeah, and every band has a frontman. [[Florence and the Machine|He's Florence and you're – well, you're The Machine.]] :''(Then, Glenn Cullen, who's supposed to be on Fergus and Adam's team, enters the meeting room.)'' :'''Glenn:''' ''(cracking a Superman joke)'' Hey! Sorry I'm late, guys. I was just changing in a phone booth. (chuckles to himself) :'''Terri:''' Was that a joke or... :'''Glenn:''' Yeah. No, I was on the phone. ''(to Fergus)'' Hey, Fergus, you look a bit A&E. Everything all right? :'''Fergus:''' No, er, Mannion is announcing Silicon Playgrounds on Stewart's orders. :'''Stewart:''' PM's orders. :'''Glenn:''' What? Hey, hey, hey, hey, hang on a moment. This is demarcation stuff. This is Fourth Sector, right? And I am the Fourth Sector guru. Yeah, I've been on Team Fergus on this, you know, me and the Inbetweeners. :'''Adam:''' The what? The what? Sorry? :'''Emma:''' You know that's what we call you. :'''Stewart:''' That's what they call you. :'''Glenn:''' WE did all the work on this. Us, we're a team, we did it. And now you're going to say we're going to play a new game, pass the parcel, and he gets to unwrap it? (pointing at Peter) I don't think so! This is bollocks, Stewart! :'''Terri:''' Oh, come on, calm down. :'''Glenn:''' Just a second. Bollocks. :'''Terri:''' Glenn, just leave it, leave it. :''(Glenn leaves the meeting room)'' :'''Emma:''' (talking about Glenn) He's seriously going to have a heart attack, look at him. :'''Stewart:''' God, will we cope now? Can we even carry on? :''(Quiet in the room again...)'' :'''Stewart:''' Oh, it doesn't seem to have changed anything. All right, the top line, folks, is this: It's about coalition, remember, yeah? :'''Fergus:''' ''(to Stewart)'' No, this is not about coalition. This is about you nicking our ideas and doing us up the Eurotunnel. :'''Phil:''' Come on. You're basically a couple of homeless guys we've invited to Christmas dinner. Don't bitch because we don't let you carve the turkey. :'''Peter:''' Let me just say it simply for you, Stewart: I don't understand the Networked Nation and the Silicon fucking Playground "gigabits," people watching television on telephones. For what it's worth, I think Fergus should carve this particular turkey. :'''Adam:''' There you go. :'''Stewart:''' Peter, Peter. The Networked Nation is about harnessing the interconnectivity of everyone in society. It's a new way of thinking. Innovation, self-investment, revenue flux, growth, ergo a healthy network. What's so complicated about that? :'''Peter:''' ''(bluntly)'' ''ALL'' the words you just used. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stewart:''' ''(at Peter's office door)'' Ah, Peter. I'm expecting great things! :'''Peter:''' Then you're an idiot. :'''Stewart:''' Laters, legislators. ''(leaves)'' :'''Peter''' ''(looking at Fergus's policy)'': The only way this policy launch could be worse is if I understood the bloody thing. :'''Glenn''' ''(walking in with a file which he dumps on Phil)'': Right, I'm gonna put the old tea-cauldron on! Anybody fancy a brew? :''(They all ignore him. During Emma's line, he gives up and leaves.)'' :'''Emma:''' Peter, risk of sounding like your mum: time for school. You need to get to this meeting. :'''Peter:''' I hate schoolchildren, they're volatile and stupid and they haven't got the vote. Might as well be talking to fucking geese. :'''Phil:''' Well, you know the school's only 10 minutes from your house. You could pop round for a late lunch. :'''Peter:''' Not much of a celebration. "Hello, darling, make me a Cup-a-Soup." Oh, now, I need a thoughtful, very personal present for Tina. Any ideas? :'''Phil:''' Erm, what about a sexy undergarment? :'''Peter:''' (disappointed in Phil's suggestion) No. :'''Emma:''' Perfume. What perfume does she wear? :'''Peter:''' No idea. Expensive, smells a bit of lemons. :'''Terri:''' Peter, before you go, I-I do really need a comment, I'm sorry, on this Tickel protest, please. :'''Peter:''' OK: 'As we enter the third week, I find Mr. Tickle's attention-seeking tent-based twattery even more annoying than weeks one and two.' :'''Terri:''' Can't actually say that. :'''Peter:''' Really? Oh then by implication you know what you can say, so say that instead. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Terri is being called to see Fergus and Adam in Fergus's office.)'' :'''Adam:''' Just to keep you up to speed, Terri, we are going to do a companion launch for Digital Playgrounds tonight at the learning centre at 7 o'clock, all right? :'''Fergus:''' And we just need you to pop a press pack in the Coverley microwave and let us know when you've pinged. :'''Terri:''' Yes, sorry. I don't think I'll be able to get that cleared before 6:00, so that's effectively tomorrow, isn't it? :'''Adam:''' Sorry, Terri, we don't need clearance. We're not covering a Beatles track, we're the fucking Government. :'''Terri:''' Yes, I'm sorry, but I do need to get that through Number 10 before I can do anything. :'''Fergus:''' Uh, was Terri actually in the meeting earlier, Adam? :'''Adam:''' Yeah, she was, Fergus. I know she was there because I heard her humming the theme tune to ''[[wikipedia:Call the Midwife|Call the Midwife]].'' :'''Terri:''' Yes, well, Stewart was very clear about this protocol. It's about the only thing he ever has been clear about. :'''Adam:''' The policy has been agreed. This is just an additional publicity push. :'''Terri:''' Adam, I'm sorry if you think I'm being obstructive, but I cannot -- and I ''will not'' -- do ask you ask. :'''Fergus:''' Well you can't stop me, Terri! OK? I want you to know, YOU CANNOT WIN, [[wikipedia:Nurse_Ratched|NURSE RATCHED]], because this is my moment! Now, you like musicals: well this is [[wikipedia:Tonight_(1956_song)|Tonight]] from West Side Story, yeah? And I'm going to bring the bloody house down, so you can't [[wikipedia:Don't_Rain_on_My_Parade|Rain on my Parade]], [[wikipedia:Funny_Girl_(musical)|Funny Girl]]. Why don't you go and have a lie-down and a [[wikipedia:Hobnob_biscuit|Hobnob]] while we run the fucking country, all right? :'''Terri:''' (unfazed) Anything else? :'''Adam:''' No, don't think so. :''(Fergus is perplexed, Adam is stunned, and Terri gets up to leave...)'' :'''Terri:''' ''(to Fergus)'' Thank you, minister. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Peter, Phil, and Emma are in the car to the policy launch)'' :'''Fergus:''' Does he understand the policy? Forgive my concern, but it's a bit like asking if a dog can grasp the concept of Norway. :'''Terri''' ''(on the phone to Emma)'': We have a question: does he understand the – Oh, she's hung up! Ever the charmless minor royal. :'''Peter:''' And I keep a straight face, do I, when I say to a room full of frogspawn, 'Upload your future'? :'''Emma:''' You know, that sounds great! No pronunciation traps. 'Cause you know what happened to the Chancellor, don't you, at the [[wikipedia:Brit_Awards|BRITs]]? [[wikipedia:Tinie_Tempah|'Tinny' Tempah]]? :'''Phil:''' Well, it could have been worse, I heard he opened his stag do speech with 'my niggaz'. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Peter is at the school making his speech...I Call App Britain!)'' :'''Peter:''' Why is it that Silicon Valley is in America when we have so many net-savvy tech-heads here? They may have the silicon chip, but we have the silicon ''chap''. And of course, chapesses. Er, and we want ''you'' to design game apps for use in the classroom. :'''Emma:''' Sorry, sorry to interrupt: erm, it's not game apps, we're actually looking for educational apps. :'''Peter:''' Er, of course. That's why I'm here to say: I call you up. App. I, I Call App Britain. Yes. And everyone will benefit, not financially, er, not cash in hand, of course: all profits will be stored as part of a digital dividend, which – :'''Raj:''' 'Scuse me, are you saying that if I wrote an app I wouldn't get any money for it? I would be working for free? :'''Peter:''' If you don't mind we'll keep the Q&A to the end. What I wanted to emphasise – :'''Charlotte:''' Sorry, er, why can't you just answer him now? :'''Teacher:''' Charlotte. :'''Charlotte:''' Well, the other lady was allowed to interrupt. :'''Peter:''' Yes, but she's ''my'' lady. ''(everyone laughs except Emma)'' Er, what was your question again? :'''Raj:''' Why won't we profit from this? :'''Peter:''' Oh, but you would! Er, maybe I didn't explain it properly. What's your name? :'''Raj:''' Rajesh. :'''Peter:''' I'm sorry? :'''Raj:''' Rajesh, Raj. :'''Peter:''' Well, er, Rajesh Raj – ''(the students laugh)'' Oh, right. ''(chuckles)'' Well, er, what I, what I wanted to say is that, that you ''would'', er, profit, that any profits you made would be offset against [[wikipedia:Tuition_fees_in_the_United_Kingdom|tuition fees]] – :'''Charlotte:''' Sorry, we don't believe in tuition fees. :'''Peter:''' Well, erm, what's your – :'''Charlotte:''' Charlotte. :'''Peter:''' Oh, well, that's an easier one. :'''Emma''' ''(to Phil)'': Fuck me, I feel like I've just been pushed out of a plane. :'''Raj:''' I make apps. I sell them through Apple and I get paid for it. :'''Peter:''' Good for you, Ra– er, good for you, but with ''us'', you let us license it as part of the Networked Nation policy. We all put in, you see – :'''Raj:''' What do you put into the Networked Nation? :'''Peter:''' Well, er, I am – a Minister. :'''Raj:''' But what do you actually do? :'''Peter:''' I take the, the – science that, that you made earlier, and I – ''apply'' it, in – scenarios that are – cost-effective. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Peter:''' Well at least I got 'I Call App Britain' right. :'''Phil:''' Thankfully with only a modicum of the contempt you used just now. :'''Emma:''' 'Hooray, you got the title right! Let's get the driver to do some victory doughnuts.' You're gonna have to issue an apology, you know. :'''Peter:''' I'm not going back there and saying, 'Oh, that moment when I mistook an abbreviation of your name for your surname: sorry.' I'll look completely mental. :'''Phil:''' You can't apologise for a fart you did a day ago. :'''Emma:''' No, you're gonna have to apologise for the follow-up as well. 'Charlotte, that's an easier name.' :'''Peter:''' ''But it is!'' That's a fact, not a judgement!<hr width="50%" /> :''(And now, Peter finds himself being confronted by a big crowd of reporters and journalists -- outside his own home!)'' :'''Female Reporter #1:''' Minister, why are you at home in the middle of a working day? :'''Peter:''' Um, it's-it's my 30th anniversary and I popped home for lunch after the Silicon Playgrounds launch, which is literally around the corner, and I'll be staying late to make up for it. :'''Female Reporter #1:''' Are you turning schools into teenage sweatshops? :'''Peter:''' I-I'm sorry if this is proving a complex idea. Pupils will receive a digital dividend towards their higher education fees. :'''Female Reporter #2:''' The dividend is optional, though, you can get cash instead? :'''Peter:''' No, you can't, I'm sorry... :'''Female Reporter #2:''' You can according to your Junior Minister. :'''Peter:''' I see. :'''Male Reporter:''' Minister, do you think you came across this morning as a "fibre-optic Fagan?" :'''Peter:''' That's a ridiculous phrase. :'''Male Reporter:''' Well, that, again, is a quote from your Junior Minister. :''(Peter's socially embarrassing predicament continues...)'' :'''Female Reporter #1:''' Minister, is, um, that a bottle of champagne? :'''Male Reporter:''' Drinking on the job, minister? :'''Peter:''' It's a half bottle. Um, as I said, it is my anniversary and I have just recycled it. Er, thank you. Bye. :''(Peter gets into his car.)'' :'''Peter:''' ''(to his driver)'' Run those fuckers over. Fifty quid for every one you maim. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Peter''' ''(shouting at Fergus on his return to DoSAC)'': Thanks a fucking bunch, mate! I couldn't have looked more of a twat, unless I'd announced it dressed as a mermaid with scallops on my tits! :'''Fergus:''' Look, I'm angry, too, Peter. I spent a lot of time on that policy that you just raped in a ditch. :'''Peter:''' Well, it was your stupid idea in the first place. :'''Fergus:''' What are your ideas, Peter? Come on, we'd all love to hear them! A public information film on the best wine to have with fish? A butler on every street corner? :'''Peter:''' This is a long game, Fergus. And I've been around a lot longer than you, Fergus, and I'll still be here when they rip your name off your door and turn your office back into something useful, like a spare toilet! :''(Stewart, from out of nowhere, enters the fight.)'' :'''Stewart:''' BOTH OF YOU DESIST! You have caused me to raise my voice and I do not like it. I reserve this level of anger for when I'm flying Ryanair. Peter's Palace! NOW! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stewart:''' ''(to Peter)'' Drinking champagne in the middle of the day during a recession. Who do you think you are, [[wikipedia:Sean_Combs|P. Diddy]]? :'''Peter:''' It was a half-bottle, on my thirtieth anniversary, ''and'' I was recycling it; at least give me credit for that! :'''Stewart:''' Oh right, no, sorry Peter, yeah, I take it all back. About as strong a defence as 'the fertiliser in my homemade bomb was organic.' What have you got planned for this evening, dancing girls on a yacht? :'''Peter:''' Garage, car, hosepipe. :'''Stewart:''' Oh, good, the anniversary present your wife's been dreaming of. ''(to Fergus)'' And Fergus, what about you? :'''Fergus:''' Well, I'm launching Silicon Playgrounds, properly this time, tonight at a learning centre. :'''Stewart:''' Yeah, something you didn't clear through me. According to Terri Coverley, you announced this before Peter took his daily "gaffe dump." What was the word I used this morning? :'''Peter:''' Oh, you used a lot of words this morning, it was like a fucking [[Will Self]] lecture. :'''Stewart:''' What was the word I used? :'''Fergus:''' Coalition? :'''Stewart:''' BOOM! So you ''will'' go to the learning centre where you will re-explain Silicon Playgrounds ''with Peter'', who will make an abject grovelling apology for being both a digi-tard and an elderly racist! :'''Fergus:''' So first you take the policy away from me for Peter to screw up, then you take ''salvaging'' the policy away from me for Peter to screw up! Good, yeah, that's just great! :'''Peter:''' I'm bored of this! I'm going for a Twix! ''(leaves)'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Peter''' ''(storming out of his office)'': She's NOT on the FUCKING ''LIST!'' ''(enters Fergus's office)'' Will you please tell me why Terri Coverley is not on this list? :'''Fergus:''' Sorry Peter, she's too expensive to get rid of. :'''Peter:''' Oh Christ, Fergus, we both know she's a fart in a frock and I want her wafted out of here. :'''Fergus''' ''(smiling)'': My hands are tied. :'''Peter:''' Fuck you! You're not getting in MY car tonight! ''(leaves)'' :'''Glenn:''' What a very principled stand you're taking. :'''Fergus:''' Yep, but did you see how stressed Mannion was there? Soon he'll be so weak and disorientated he'll stagger off in the night like a tramp who's stood up too quickly. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Peter''' ''(on the phone with his wife)'': No, I don't think today is our entire marriage in a nutshell. Well, we had champagne, and your sister wasn't there.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Phil''' ''(to Adam)'': You're getting a coffwee: coffee with wee in it. <hr width="50%"/> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Peter''' ''(on the phone to his wife)'': Champagne looks bad, PR-wise. I might as well be seen urinating through the letterbox of a closed-down library.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Terri:''' Right, I'd better get on. Sometimes I think I never stop working. :'''Phil:''' You leave at 5:40! :'''Terri:''' One last thing. :'''Phil:''' Yes, [[Columbo]]? :'''Terri:''' The staff cuts. What do you know? :'''Phil:''' Ah, I see, that's what this whole chat's been about, has it, mental pickpocketing? :'''Terri:''' You see, you don't need to tell me: I'll just list off a few names. You do that girly flicky thing with your hair, OK? :'''Phil:''' Bye, Terri. :'''Terri:''' Was that it, was that code? Am I going? :'''Phil:''' No, I'm telling you to fuck off.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Raj:''' What do you actually do? :''(quiet laughter from the students)'' :'''Peter:''' I am the, er, Secretary of State for Social Affairs a-and Citizenship. :'''Phil:''' It's a bit like being the Lord Commander of the [[wikipedia:List_of_A_Song_of_Ice_and_Fire_characters#Night's_Watch_and_wildlings|Night's Watch]]? Er, you watch Game of Thrones, yeah? :'''Raj:''' This is bullshit! :''(the students laugh)'' :'''Teacher:''' Hey, quiet now – quiet! Raj, that language is unacceptable, OK? :'''Peter:''' I'll say, you – you wouldn't use that kind of language in front of your extended family. :'''Students''' ''(shocked)'': Oh! :'''Emma:''' Oh my good God, I cannot believe childbirth is more painful than this.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Adam:''' We have to distance ourself from this ''now''. :'''Fergus:''' Right, OK, I'll call Terri and get her up to speed. :'''Adam:''' Terri is never up to speed. She's stuck in neutral in a fucking rainy car park listening to [[wikipedia:Ken_Bruce|Ken Bruce]]. :'''Glenn''' ''(on his phone)'': Who told you I was the guru? Terri Coverley, right, thank you. Well, I am the guru of the policy, but I'm not the guru of the colossal gang of [[wikipedia:Henry_(vacuum)|Henrys]] who tried to explain it just now.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Peter''' ''(to Raj)'': Yes, well, for you, App-ortunity Knocks. :'''Fergus''' ''(to Raj, quietly)'': It's [[wikipedia:Opportunity_Knocks_(UK_TV_series)|a show]], it's like [[wikipedia:Britain's_Got_Talent|Britain's Got Talent]], from his era. ==Series 4, Episode 2== :'''Ollie:''' Right, sorry to interrupt you at this very sad time, but we do have [[wikipedia:Prime_Minister's_Questions|Prime Minister's Questions]] in ''one hour''. :'''Nicola:''' No it's fine, I've got the lead question, I've got the follow-up sarcastic question and I've got the withering put-down, so I'm prepped, I'm fucking prepped. :'''Ollie:''' Yep. You'll walk rings round him.<hr width="50%" />'''Ben:''' The Leader of the Opposition is in that room, Malcolm, practising ''walking''. I mean, baby horses can walk from the womb, she's one-nil down to a pony. :'''Malcolm:''' A pony isn't a baby horse, it's a foal, a fucking foal is a baby horse. :'''Ben:''' Right, our guest tonight on 'I Don't Give a Fuck about Baby Horses' is me. But we need to do something about Nicola, Malcolm, I mean, you know about her plan – I mean, Nicola with a plan, that's like a toddler with a harpoon, there's a toddler wandering around in that office with a harpoon. :'''Malcolm:''' Yes, well, don't you worry about Nicola's plan. I'll deal with that, Sweaty Betty – Listen, when you wake up in the morning you've got a routine, haven't you? :'''Ben:''' Big shit, granola, check the email, shower and a shave, [[wikipedia:Nespresso|Nespresso]], sometimes a second shit. :'''Malcolm:''' Exactly. You have a plan: that's good. Nicola has a plan: that's not good. But I have a plan: that's fucking great.<hr width="50%" />'''Malcolm''' ''(seeing Nicola bend down in front of the photocopier)'': Oh, that's very moving: '[[wikipedia:Ode_of_Remembrance|They shall not grow old]], who photocopy their arses at the Christmas do'.<hr width="50%" /> :''(Nicola and her advisers, Ollie Reeder & Helen Hatley, are brainstorming ideas for a buzzword for do-gooder members of the public.)'' :'''Ollie:''' They're commuters, they are the street-pounders, street – walkers, um – :'''Nicola:''' You can't call them streetwalkers. :'''Ollie:''' They're the people who deal with the little stuff, erm – [[wikipedia:The_Wombles|Wombles]], Honest Wombles, Everyday Wombles? :'''Malcolm:''' Sorry, I've just got to take a call. :'''Nicola:''' Erm, straights. :'''Ollie:''' No! :'''Nicola:''' No. No, of course, sorry. :'''Helen Hatley:''' Commuting champions. :'''Nicola:''' Interrai– human [[wikipedia:Interrail|interrailers]] – :'''Ollie:''' Human interrailers? That's interrailers. Er, everyday superstars, all British supremes – :'''Malcolm:''' That sounds like a racist tribute band. :'''Nicola:''' Ordinary people, with something special about them, with a special power. :'''Ollie:''' Please don't say special. Don't say special. :'''Nicola:''' No but – you know, but like sup– people as superheroes. :'''Ollie:''' Ironpeople, Spiderpeople. Wolfpeople. :'''Nicola:''' They're just regular citizens, but they have this – that one special quality that makes them like Batman, or Batpeople. Erm, ''Quiet'' Batpeople. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(glaring)'' Quiet Batpeople? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' She's going to have to fall on her sword, which means that we are gonna have to stick one in the ground, trip her up onto it and get somebody to jump up and down on her back for ten minutes. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' Reshuffle: don’t send Ben to the back-benches, he’ll just wank and eat Pringles, leather seats are an invitation to men like him. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nicola:''' Before we finish, I just want to throw one more pebble into the thought pool. :'''Ben:''' Ploop. :'''Nicola:''' Sorry Ben, I missed that? :'''Ben:''' Just I'm sorry, I just, I said 'ploop', it's just the noise of a pebble.<hr width="50%" /> :''(A photographer has managed to take a picture of Helen's 'Quiet Batpeople' notes)'' :'''Nicola:''' "Quiet Batpeople" on every fucking paper! :'''Malcolm:''' Right, this is a wake-up call. And by the way, Helen, the next time you want to make Nicola look like a clown with her fucking hair on fire in a Zumba class, why don't you just take your notes down to [[wikipedia:Snappy_Snaps|Snappy Snaps]] and get them blown up to gigantic charity cheque size, so the partially sighted can be in on the fucking gag? :'''Helen:''' I didn't know they'd be able to see it! :'''Malcolm:''' So we have to seize the agenda. We have to deflect attention away from all this. It's now time to embrace our friend Mr. Tickle. :'''Nicola:''' I can't even say his name without smiling. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, well, ''he's'' not smiling, is he? He's living in a tent, 'cause his key-worker housing's been sold off. :'''Malcolm:''' Yes, and he's a 24-carat fucking nutcase. Which means that Peter Mannion has been picking on a man with a history of depression. That's a way right into the Principality of Pricks right there. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' It's time for you to step up, Ollie. What's that film that you love? :'''Ollie:''' What film? :'''Malcolm:''' The one about the fucking hairdresser, the [[wikipedia:Luke_Skywalker|space hairdresser]] and the [[wikipedia:Han_Solo|cowboy]]. The guy, he's got a [[wikipedia:C-3PO|tin foil pal]] and a [[wikipedia:R2-D2|pedal bin]]. [[wikipedia:Darth_Vader|His father]]'s a robot and he's fucking fucked [[wikipedia:Princess_Leia|his sister]]. Lego! They're all made of fucking Lego. :'''Ollie:''' Star Wars? :'''Malcolm:''' That's the one, right. It's like that, okay? Where you fucking kill all the bad guys, and you'll be able to blow up the big – :'''Ollie:''' Death Star. :'''Malcolm:''' The Death Star thing. Then you can go and live happily ever after on the planet of the teddy bears. :'''Ollie:''' They're Ewoks, they're Ewoks. It's a fantastic analogy, well done. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ben:''' Malcolm, could I have a couple of words please? :'''Malcolm:''' Political lightweight? Making up the numbers? Sorry that's four isn't it? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dan:''' So, your loyalty to Nicola is – :'''Malcolm:''' Unwavering. Right up to the point that – :'''Dan:''' Someone challenges her? :'''Malcolm:''' Not necessary: she's going to kick her own head in, which will be easy for her because she does yoga. No, we just need somebody to hold her jacket while she commits political hara-kiri, and sweep in unopposed, being careful not to tread in the mess. :'''Dan:''' So you think – I should challenge her? :'''Malcolm:''' What the fuck is this, Tinker Tailor Soldier Cunt? Do you, or do you not, want to be the next leader of this party? :'''Dan:''' Yes. :'''Malcolm:''' Right, well, she needs to fuck off in eight months, so it looks like we're giving her a chance. I will teach you the way of tears and love, my friend; now, let's get out of this fucking cupboard before Ben Swain comes in for his lunchtime wank. <hr width="50%" /> :'''Malcolm''' ''(putting his glasses on to read Ollie's phone)'': What is this tiny font? Is it to match your subatomic thoughts? <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm and Ben, and separately Ollie and Helen, are watching Nicola at the [[wikipedia:Remembrance_Sunday#National_ceremony_in_the_United_Kingdom|Remembrance Sunday ceremony]] on TV)'' :'''Malcolm:''' You're right, she can't fucking walk. :'''Ben:''' I mean, should we get a pony to challenge her? :'''Malcolm:''' It's not a fucking pony, it's a fucking foal. :'''Ben:''' Sorry. :'''Helen:''' I don't understand how you can get that wrong. :'''Ollie:''' It's this: ''(demonstrates)'' de-de-clunk! :'''Helen:''' She is officially a [[wikipedia:The_Cenotaph,_Whitehall|Ceno]]-twat. :'''Ollie:''' Fabulous work, sister. Bury her in a grave. [[wikipedia:The_Unknown_Warrior|The Unknown Leader]]. :'''Helen:''' I can't watch: I feel a bit sick. :'''Ollie:''' I just hope there is no afterlife, because if people fought and died for this, it is going to seem even more ridiculously futile. :'''Ben''' ''(to Malcolm)'': Why d'you know so much about horses, anyway? I thought you were raised by wolves.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :''(during the Quiet Batpeople brainstorming)'' :'''Ollie:''' Wombles, Honest Wombles, Everyday Wombles? :'''Helen:''' Right, OK, obviously, you know, we're not gonna block anything 'cause this is a think-thoughting session, erm – :'''Malcolm:''' Sorry, I've just got to take a call. :'''Ollie:''' Think-thoughting, Helen, is what we call, in the real world, thinking. It's the same. Am I say-speaking out of turn? Have I not understood-comprehended you? :'''Helen:''' I don't know, I tuned you out a bit.<hr width="50%" />''(deleted scene)'' :'''Ollie:''' Hiya, I thought you were bollocking Dan Miller. :'''Malcolm:''' Oh, I am. ''(to the empty chair next to him)'' Look at you! You bourgeois, fucking side-parted twat, you flap that bammed-up nutcrease of yours again, and I will fuck you so deep, that if you're not drowned in the blizzard of jizz, your rectum will become the biggest fucking indoor venue in fucking Europe. :'''Ollie:''' Are you OK? :'''Malcolm:''' Sit down.<hr width="50%" />''(deleted scene)'' :'''Malcolm''' ''(to Ollie)'': This is [[wikipedia:Infinite_monkey_theorem|monkey typewriter]] stuff. There's not even a fucking infinite amount of monkeys with an infinite amount of time with an infinite amount of typewriters that'll produce the words, 'Nicola Murray, PM'.<hr width="50%" />''(deleted scene)'' :'''Ben:''' How do you know so much about horses, anyway? I thought you were raised by wolves. :'''Malcolm:''' I don't know anything about horses, apart from that a grown-up one's a fucking horse and a baby one's a foal. And why are you eating my biscuits? :'''Ben:''' I don't know, I found them on here. There's one left. :'''Malcolm:''' They are big wreaths. :'''Ben:''' It's like a toilet seat, isn't it? I mean, it's not, it's lovely. :'''Malcolm:''' What size of a wreath would you need for a nuclear war? :'''Ben:''' There wouldn't be anyone left to put it on the Cenotaph, would there? It'd be carried along by cockroaches or whatever it is they say'll survive. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. ==Series 4, Episode 3== :''(Peter, Emma and Stewart are in the car, on the way to Thought Camp...and ALL 3 of them are on their cell phones. Stewart is talking to a Minister, Emma is talking to Phil, and Peter is talking to his wife. )'' :'''Peter:''' I was picked up at seven, of course I haven't walked the dog. I barely had time to take myself for a shit. :'''Emma:''' Phil, I'm sure you're suffering from "Peter Withdrawal" symptoms, but I really, really need you to keep an eye of the Ticket issue. :'''Stewart:''' Thought Camp ETA 13 minutes, okay? You're taking the bridge, Kieran. :'''Emma:''' Okay, well, you can start by not referring to him as Gyppo. ''Or'' Gypsy, Phil. It's not, it's not the abbreviation that's the problem. :'''Peter:''' If he has a thorn in his paw, it must be from when you took him for a walk yesterday. :'''Emma:''' What do you mean, "You're in charge?" You are not in fucking charge, you doughnut! :'''Stewart:''' Of course you're gonna keep me informed, I want the full crunch on all the feeds, as usual. Everything below the equator. :'''Peter:''' Take him to the dog hospital. (Peter's wife thinks he's being sarcastic.) No, I'm not being sarcastic! There is one! :'''Emma:''' Try and keep an eye on things, all right? :'''Peter:''' The number will be in the folder. The folder. What? (Peter sighs as he realizes he has lost the connection.) :''(Now, all 3 members of Team Mannion are off their cell phones.)'' :'''Peter:''' Where are you taking us, Stewart? This Mind Kampf is in the middle of nowhere. :'''Stewart:''' Thought Camp, Peter, and isolation is the mother of renewal. We shall retreat to go forwards. :'''Emma:''' Terrible signal! Phil sounded like he was phoning in a report on an African coup. :'''Stewart:''' Why's he even gone in today? :'''Peter:''' I put him on Tickel oversight. :'''Stewart:''' Oh, the eviction. :'''Peter:''' Well, cutting the guy ropes on his tent is hardly the Siege of Troy. :'''Emma:''' Bailiffs thought it would be easier today, quicker or quieter. :'''Stewart:''' Yeah, but I want Phil sealed off, right? He makes no statement today, not even off the record. :'''Peter:''' He wanted to feel useful. :'''Stewart:''' Then he should sell his organs. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Glenn and Phil are alone in the DoSAC building.)'' :'''Glenn:''' Yeah, well, we've got the whole palace to ourselves, eh? [[wikipedia:Rosencrantz_and_Guildenstern|Rosencrantz and Guildenstern]]! :'''Phil:''' Yeah, but [[wikipedia:Rosencrantz_and_Guildenstern_Are_Dead|very much alive]]. Well, one of us.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Stewart''' ''(to party staff arriving at Thought Camp)'': OK people, abandon phones, all ye who enter here. And watches too: time is a leash on the dog of ideas.<hr width="50%" />'''Stewart:''' OK lovely people, let's go truffling in the forest of knowledge. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stewart:''' OK people, I'd like to start this session with a question: when is a party not a party? :'''Peter:''' When it's at your house? :''(quiet laughter)'' :'''Emma''' ''(quietly, annoyed)'': Peter! :'''Stewart:''' A party is not a party when it is plural. ''(brings up a slide of a woman on her phone in a crowd)'' There she is, the party, singular: she thinks like you, she votes like you, she is ''not'' you, and yet of course, she ''is'' you. :'''Peter''' ''(to himself, sighing)'': I feel like I've joined the Scientologists. :'''Stewart:''' Some of these people want a federal Britain, others don't. And as long as we continue to do nothing, we can call that "consensus." :'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' Why am I the only senior minister here? Is JB punishing me? :'''Emma:''' Look, Mary Drake's here, Home Office. :''(Peter and Emma nod hello to Mary.)'' :'''Emma:''' ''(to Peter)'' And yes, JB is punishing you. :'''Stewart:''' OK, let's [[wikipedia:Michael_McIntyre|McIntyre]] this: stand up. Let's find out, in fact, chairs to the side, please. :'''Peter:''' Great, vague prancing about. :'''Mary Drake:''' Isn't that one of the fundamental principles of democracy? :'''Stewart:''' ''(to Peter)'' Oh, I'm sorry, Peter, you want to share your thoughts? :'''Peter:''' Hmm? No, we just hoped we were going to do some dancing, er, Stewart. What, Merce Cunningham, something like that? :'''Stewart:''' Okay, maybe later you can share it with us. But first of all, let me share something with you. How about this, Silicon Playgrounds, yeah? What caused this slow-motion pile up? Shall we sit down and chew over "hash-tag epic fail?" Or shall we try and get some solutions on their feet? That's it, just put it at the side, Peter. <hr width="50%" /> :''(Glenn is bringing a tray of coffee and biscuits into Fergus's office.)'' :'''Adam:''' Glenn, you're a marvel, you know, you're like a modern-day [[wikipedia:Jeeves|Jeeves]]. Only not modern. Day. You're like Jeeves, but only not as good. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Fergus is bringing Tara Strachan, a strikingly beautiful economist, to DoSAC HQ.)'' :'''Fergus:''' ''(to Tara)'' Here we are, at the Coalface. ''(to Adam)'' Ah. Adam, this is Tara Strachan. :'''Adam:''' ''(to Tara)'' Hello, lovely to meet you. :'''Tara Strachan:''' Hi there. :'''Adam:''' Really lovely, lovely. :'''Fergus:''' Shall we, er...She's an economist... :'''Adam:''' Real pleasure, actually. :'''Fergus:''' ...and a lady. :'''Adam:''' Yes, obviously. Lovely. :''(Fergus and Adam are quite happy to see Tara. Phil, on the other hand, is a little confused.)'' :'''Phil:''' What's going on? Who's the skirt? :'''Adam:''' Oh, I'd love to bring you up to speed, Phil. I really would, but I'm not gonna live long enough. So tell you what, why don't you go and help Glenn watch his telly? I think the dancing's on in a minute. :'''Fergus:''' ''(to Tara)'' I really like your coat, by the way. :'''Tara:''' (quite flattered) Thank you. Thank you. :'''Fergus:''' It's like a leopard. :'''Tara:''' It is a little bit. :'''Fergus:''' Or a cheetah. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Tara is sharing her idea for micro banking with Fergus and Adam.)'' :'''Tara:''' The beauty of this model... :'''Fergus:''' Yeah. :'''Tara:''' ...um, is that micro banking can happen anywhere, okay? :'''Fergus:''' Great. :'''Tara:''' Small, low-interest loans, that's the way forward. :'''Adam:''' This is terrific. I mean, it's so fucking us, it's brilliant. :'''Fergus:''' (trying to calm Adam down) Adam, Adam. :'''Adam:''' Ah. :'''Tara:''' Oh, don't worry, I don't mind swearing. Shows passion. I've done some community enterprise case studies. Sisters who want to set up a pop-up baker's in a disused travel agents, the boiler guy who wants to take on an apprentice. :'''Adam:''' Yeah. :'''Fergus:''' The helping hand for hands-on people. :'''Tara:''' Yeah. :'''Adam:''' I like that, that's great. That's really good. :'''Fergus:''' Making sure the can-doers don't get canned. :'''Adam:''' Terrific. Yeah, really good. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Meanwhile, at Thought Camp, Peter is playing a "mind game." He has a Post-It note stuck to his head with a political issue written on it, and he has to guess what it is. He needs Mary Drake's help.)'' :'''Peter:''' Would I be comfortable or uncomfortable... :'''Stewart:''' Yes or no questions only, please, Peter. :'''Peter:''' Would I be uncomfortable talking to Andrew Marr about this concept on the television? :'''Mary:''' Yes. :'''Peter:''' Am I Diversity? :'''Mary:''' No. :'''Stewart:''' You're out of questions, Peter. :''(Peter finally takes the Post-It note off his head -- and then gets REALLY upset.)'' :'''Peter:''' Oh, for fuck's sake! Inclusivity's practically the same as Diversity! :'''Mary:''' ''(chuckles)'' No it's not. :'''Stewart:''' No it isn't, Peter. :'''Peter:''' I could be at home watching the snooker with a bottle of unpronounceable scotch. Can I sit down now? ''(Peter sits down)'' I'm sitting down, I don't care. :'''Stewart:''' Actually, we can all sit down now. Thanks, Peter. Um, so take a chair 'cause Emma's going to co-steer module four with me. We're gonna do a kind of Top Trumps stats check on the PM's future enemies, yeah? Strengths, weaknesses, blocking moves and take-downs. Em. :'''Emma:''' Great. Thank you, Stewart. :'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' You've turned into the wrong Mitford sister. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Meanwhile, back at DoSAC HQ, the Banking Brainstorm continues...)'' :'''Tara:''' Basically, we'd set up a network of microcredit lenders at neighborhood level. :'''Adam:''' This is great. So what would it be called? Like the Citizen's Bank, or... :'''Fergus:''' The People's Bank? :'''Tara:''' Um, Community... :'''Fergus:''' The Credit Fund? ''(correcting himself)'' No, no, credit's a bad word. :'''Adam:''' Negative. Something, something with "Advance..." :'''Fergus:''' The We Bank? :'''Tara:''' The We Bank. :'''Adam:''' I like that. :'''Fergus:''' Although it does sound a bit like a...sperm bank. But for wee. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Glenn is reporting the latest Tickel Watch news to Phil.)'' :'''Glenn:''' There's a bit of a farce going on here with your Mr. Tickle. They've turned up to evict him and he's not there. :'''Phil:''' Good. Self-evicted. Gone. Problem solved. Anyway, what's going on with Fergus and Adam and the "Sexy Stranger?" She's some kind of economist, apparently. :'''Glenn:''' Oh, don't be ridiculous, she's far too attractive. :'''Phil:''' You can get sexy economists. What about Stephanie Flanders on ''Newsnight?'' :'''Glenn:''' Yeah, that's true. I quite like Emily Maitlis. :'''Phil:''' Really? Well, I'm sure she'd love a grey pounding. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tara:''' Do you want to have an "ideagasm?" :'''Adam:''' ''(very much turned on)'' Yes, please. :'''Tara:''' Ask me how we'd initially fund this. :'''Fergus & Adam:''' How would we initially fund this? :'''Tara:''' A one-off Robin Hood tax. Steal from the fat cats, raise enough seed capital for hundreds of start-up funds for fledgling businesses. :'''Adam:''' You know what? This could work really well for us. This, this is, yeah. :'''Tara:''' Yeah? :'''Adam:''' I mean, let's just talk, uh, figures. What sort of start-up capital are we talking here? :'''Tara:''' Not very much. I think we're looking at about £2 billion. :'''Fergus:''' £2 billion? :'''Tara:''' £2 billion. :'''Fergus:''' Good. Well, um...I mean, obviously, I'd have to ring the Treasury. :'''Tara:''' Sure. :'''Fergus:''' And twist a few arms. You know, it'll take a couple of weeks to work up, but we are extremely keen to set that process in motion. :''(Stewart and his team are discussing potential new Leaders of the Opposition at Thought Camp.)'' :'''Stewart:''' OK, let's architecturalise this, yeah? :'''Peter:''' Oh, don't bother. If it's Ben Swain, we all shout ''Sweaty Swain'' as he dehydrates himself through PMQs. Holhurst looks like a shepherd dressed up to meet the Queen, and if it's Dan Miller we're fucked.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Tara:''' I should tell you I do also have a meeting with Dan Miller booked in. :'''Adam:''' ''(suddenly concerned)'' What? I would just knock that right on the head. Don't -- don't do it. :'''Fergus:''' Well... ''(awkward laughter from all 3 people)'' He's in opposition. We rule. :'''Adam:''' We're the rulers, we're the governors. :'''Fergus:''' And, you know, in the end...this is so fucking us. :'''Adam:''' Fuck yeah! :'''Fergus:''' Yeah. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Phil's looking up Tara Strachan's bio on his cell phone.)'' :'''Phil:''' Here, uh, "Tara Strachan, LSE, Harvard, author of ''Strapped: Why We're in Debt to Each Other,'' ''Small is Bountiful,'' Expert in micro-financing and community credit guilds." God, that sounds dreary. :'''Glenn:''' Bloody hell, that's all Fourth Sector stuff! I mean, why have they kept me out here like a stray dog? :'''Phil:''' And why are they keeping Mannion out of it? This is-this is government business! :''(Phil suddenly realizes that Adam and Fergus are working on a policy behind Peter's back. Phil runs to Fergus's office.)'' :'''Phil:''' Right, that's enough. Stop, stop, stop! I demand an explanation. :'''Adam:''' Sorry, Phil, we're busy. Maybe come back in, I don't know, 2017? :'''Phil:''' As Peter's representative, it's as though you lied to him. That's not good, probably illegal. :'''Adam:''' If you want to see something probably illegal, pass me that fucking stapler over there! :'''Tara:''' Er, listen, is there a problem with me being here? :'''Fergus:''' Not at all. :'''Phil:''' Yes, you're not supposed to be here, the minister is unaware that you're here, so I'm gonna have to ask you to leave. :'''Adam:''' Oh right, so she's a security risk? Oh no no no! I'd forgotten: you're not allowed within 50 feet of most women. :'''Phil:''' How do you explain this, then? ''(waves his arm in and out of Adam's personal space)'' I'm within 50 feet of you. Hahaha. ''You're'' a woman. :'''Adam:''' Oh, brilliant. That is really good. :''(They stop bickering when they hear Glenn)'' :'''Glenn''': ''(offscreen)'' FUCK! TICKLE'S DEAD! :'''Phil:''' Oh shit...! :'''Adam:''' Jesus...! :''(Phil, Fergus and Adam run to the TV, where Glenn is watching [[wikipedia:BBC_News_(TV_channel)|BBC News]])'' :'''Glenn:''' Oh God, he's killed himself, suicide. He used a car exhaust. :'''Phil:''' Hey, classic: the Bohemian Rhapsody of suicide. :'''Glenn:''' Oh, Phil, for fuck's sake! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Adam doesn't like the way that Phil is handling the latest DoSAC crisis -- to say the least.)'' :'''Adam:''' It's like there's a little twelve-year-old boy, in a suit, with a fucking light saber in his desk - don't think I don't know it's there - running this department when Mannion's away... :'''Phil:''' Yeah, so what? :'''Adam:''' It's a fucking joke! :'''Phil:''' No it's not! No it's not! Have you ever seen ''Game of Thrones'' Season 2? :'''Adam:''' No! :'''Phil:''' Or Anakin Skywalker, he was young. Frodo, in his thirties, still young for a hobbit. You know, I'm in charge, because I'm a Jedi and you're a fucking Ewok! :'''Glenn:''' Right. What is the Ewok position on this, then? <hr width="50%"/> :''(Fergus, Adam, Glenn and Phil are trying to get a handle on the news of Mr. Tickel's suicide.)'' :'''Phil:''' The line from Stewart via Emma was that I do nothing. That was the one clear instruction they gave me, okay? We ignore him and he goes away. :'''Fergus:''' He is dead. :'''Phil:''' Which makes him easier to ignore. :'''Fergus:''' As a minister, I should at least express condolences. :'''Phil:''' ''(stammering)'' That-that-that should come from Peter. :'''Fergus:''' But he's not here. I am. :''(Terri enters the room.)'' :'''Terri:''' Has anyone seen my Bluetooth headset? :'''Phil:''' Look, I speak for Peter and I say that we look guilty if we say we're sorry he died. :'''Terri:''' I'll take that as a no. :'''Adam:''' Listen, Phil. I was a journalist, okay? Now if you don't respond, you create a vacuum that sucks in speculation, and then you can't respond. You get sucked fucking inside-out! :'''Phil:''' Look, Tickle wasn't the Queen of People's Hearts, he was a twat in a tent. :'''Glenn:''' TICK-EL! HE WAS CALLED TICK-EL! WE DROVE A MAN TO HIS DEATH! WE ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Fergus and Adam FINALLY come back to see Tara to tell her the good news about launching the bank.)'' :'''Fergus:''' Great stuff, Tara. We're gonna go ahead with the bank. :'''Adam:''' Yeah, meeting's over. :'''Tara:''' ''(surprised)'' Don't you need to talk to the Treasury? :'''Fergus:''' We've done that. :'''Tara:''' Okay, Well, um, let's talk details. When it comes to interest rates, obviously you've got... :'''Adam:''' ''(jokingly)'' Well, hey, you know, don't talk us out of it. You don't wanna do that. :'''Tara:''' ''(smiling)'' So, is-is this the green light? :'''Fergus:''' Uh-huh! Yep! £2 billion! :'''Tara:''' Oh my God! :''(An overjoyed Tara gives both Fergus and Adam a hug, much to their surprise!)'' :'''Tara:''' We'll be in touch! :'''Fergus & Adam:''' Thank you. :'''Tara:''' Thank you. :'''Fergus:''' ''(to Tara, walking her to the elevator)'' Lovely to meet you, great. :''(Phil is wondering what policy Fergus, Adam, and Tara have just launched...)'' :'''Phil:''' What have we just green-lit? :'''Adam:''' Well, we are starting a community bank with £2 billion. :'''Phil:''' Right, is that the £2 billion we keep in the biscuit tin? :'''Glenn:''' This is just great. This is just fucking great. I hang around this moral abattoir to do something exactly like this and you shut me out? :'''Terri:''' So, I'm spending my bank holiday founding a bank? I thought the point about bank holidays is that they're supposed to be shut. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Fergus is still talking to Tara while walking her to the elevator. They're still excited about the bank.)'' :'''Fergus:''' You know, when we see something we like, we just buy it. :'''Tara:''' Oh, wow. :'''Fergus:''' That's the way we work round here. :'''Tara:''' I hope the Tickel, um...situation is all okay. :'''Fergus:''' Uh, well, it'll be fine. :'''Tara:''' Thank you. :'''Fergus:''' Great. Lovely to meet you. :'''Tara:''' See you soon. :''(As soon as the elevator Tara's traveling in closes, Fergus runs back to the offices and takes charge of the situation.)'' :'''Fergus:''' Right! I'm in fucking charge! And I'm going Nordic drama! ''(to Adam)'' Adam, secure the economist. ''(to Phil)'' You, get Stewart and Mannion back here STAT! :'''Adam:''' Brilliant. Got that, guys? Yeah? Okay? :'''Phil:''' ''(calling out to Fergus)'' Sure. I'll-I'll do it your way for now, Fergus, but, uh, they left me in charge for a reason. :'''Adam:''' I bet you line up all your action figures on the edge of your bath, don't you? :'''Phil:''' 1: I've got a shower. And 2: They're still in the boxes. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Phil, sitting in Peter's office chair, has just left a voicemail for Emma.)'' :'''Glenn:''' ''(entering)'': Have you got any of them yet? :'''Phil:''' No, everyone's ignoring me. It's like the first year of university all over again. Fuck it, the whole of university! ''(Peter's office phone rings.)'' Jesus. ''(answers)'' Hello? No, I can categorically say that Peter Mannion will not be resigning over this. Thank you. ''(hangs up)'' :'''Terri:''' ''(entering)'' Who was that? :'''Phil:''' ''[[wikipedia:The_World_at_One|World At One]]''. I handled it. :'''Terri:''' You don't handle ''The World At One'', Phil, they're not stolen goods. Now listen, if you want to go and play phones, you can go down to the crèche where there's a big phone with big boggly eyes that go round and round when you wheel it about. Now piddle off! :''(Phil leaves. Terri sits down in Peter's chair.)'' :'''Glenn:''' We've got to put something out there, Terri. :'''Terri''': That boy is a simpleton. Two hundred years ago, they wouldn't have let him milk a cow. ''(phones a journalist)'' Jonty! Terri here over at Hectic House. ''(laughing)'' No! No, Peter's not resigning! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Female party worker:''' Free apples! ''[throws ball]'' :'''Everyone:''' Yes and ho! :'''Male party worker:''' Uh, free coffins. ''[throws ball]'' :'''Everyone:''' Yes and ho! :'''Peter:''' Reduce the deficit with spending cuts. :'''Everyone except Stewart:''' Yes and ho! :'''Stewart:''' Peter, Peter, I want to hear new ideas ricocheting off your synapses like a pinball, not just a two year old slogan. :'''Peter:''' Okay, Doctor Jazz, let's hear it. ''[throws ball]'' :'''Stewart:''' We do away with computers. :'''Everyone except Peter:''' Yes and h- :'''Peter:''' ''You idiot!'' That's '''''fucking''''' mental! :'''Stewart:''' No blocking, Peter, only counterpoint. Do away with computers, what do we think? How will it affect us? Good idea? Bad idea? :'''Peter:''' Good idea for me, I wouldn't get anymore of your ''fucking'' emails. ''[Peter gets up]'' :'''Stewart:''' Try and stay cross-legged if you can, but don't break the circle... :'''Peter:''' I'm 54, Stewart. My knees are fucked and my patience is snapped. Some of us had to go through this hippie shit the first time around. :'''Stewart:''' I'm not talking about trying to sell it to the electorate, Peter. I'm talking about exploring it within the free space of the circle. :'''Peter:''' Okay, give me the ball. Give me the ball! Give me the ball. ''(Peter tries to wrestle the ball away from Stewart)'' :'''Stewart:''' No! :'''Peter:''' Give me... give me the ''FUCKING'' ball, Stewart! ''[grabs the ball]'' Let's do away with you. :'''Stewart:''' What? :'''Peter:''' Filter's off, Daddy-o! Let it all hang out! Just suppose your free-range no-consequence bullshit was hugely entertaining when we were in opposition and shitting money, but now we're in government and it's all gone a bit [[wikipedia:J._G._Ballard|J.G. Ballard]], it's irrelevant and infantile! :'''Stewart:''' Oh, very droll, Peter. :'''Peter:''' Oh, and maybe the reason you don't mind handing your phone in is that it doesn't ring as much as it used to. Oh, sorry; ''doesn't ring as much as it used to, yes and ho.''<hr width="50%" />'''Glenn:''' Want the opinion of an old lag? Mannion will have to go. :'''Phil:''' Stick to 'policemen are getting younger', Glenn. Peter's going nowhere, and I don't mean that in a Glenn's career kind of way. :'''Glenn:''' I've seen a lot of people resign, and they're always happier afterwards. :'''Phil:''' You're thinking of lobotomies. Peter resigns over my dead body. :'''Glenn:''' Yes. Yes, that would be the ideal scenario. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Peter, Emma and Stewart are wondering why they have been called away from the Thought Camp.)'' :'''Emma:''' It's probably just Phil, he'll have run out of colouring books or something. :'''Peter:''' Anything to get out of Stewart's think sphincter. :'''Stewart:''' ''(to the hotel receptionist)'' Hello, receptionist. Could I have my phone, please? :'''Receptionist:''' Um, your name, sir? :'''Stewart:''' It's Stewart. :'''Receptionist:''' Stewart? :'''Stewart:''' Stewart Pearson. :'''Peter:''' Peter Mannion. Mine's the old Nokia. Yeah, thank you. :'''Stewart:''' Look, mine's the one with Stewart written on it. :''(Nobody can get a good reception on the phones...)'' :'''Peter:''' I can't get any reception. :'''Receptionist:''' No, you won't round here. :'''Peter:''' What? :'''Receptionist:''' "No reception at reception," we always say. The best spot, sounds stupid, is the children's play area, top of the slide? <hr width="50%"/> :''(Peter and Stewart are forced to run over to the playground to get a reception!)'' :'''Stewart:''' God, I hate the country. ''(to Peter)'' Get higher, you idiot. :'''Peter:''' That's it, that's it, I've got something. :'''Stewart:''' Download the intel, Peter. Come on, put it on speaker. :'''Peter:''' No, I've got loads of messages from my wife and from Phil. :''(Peter's listening to the messages on his cell phone.)'' :'''Peter:''' She's taking the dog to the hospital... :'''Stewart:''' Oh, come on. :'''Peter:''' She's had a long wait...the wound in his paw's gone septic. :'''Stewart:''' Oh please, Peter, move on. :'''Peter:''' Tickle's dead. :'''Stewart:''' What? :'''Peter:''' ''(stunned)'' Tickle's dead. :'''Stewart:''' Okay, it's my turn on that signal, Peter, get down. :'''Peter:''' Wait, I'm listening to the message! I'm listening to the fucking message! Don't -- :'''Stewart:''' I need to get this signal! :''(Peter still doesn't want to slide down the slide.)'' :'''Stewart:''' Stop being so childish! :'''Peter:''' Jesus Christ! :'''Stewart:''' Just get down, Peter. :''(Peter slides down the slide.)'' :'''Stewart:''' I've got it! I've got it! :''(Emma's come over to the playground.)'' :'''Emma:''' Playtime's over. Tickle's dead, okay? Number 10's gone off the hook mental. Stewart, take my phone to call the PM. ''(Emma gives Stewart her cell phone.)'' :'''Emma:''' ''(to Peter)'' Right, Phil's meeting us, he's going to bring a shirt, suit and tie. You are not going to arrive looking like the manager of an organic wine bar. ''(to both Peter and Stewart)'' Right. Come on, come on, come on! Movement! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Fergus, Adam and Glenn are discussing strategy back at DoSAC.)'' :'''Glenn:''' Well, anyway, um, Mannion has surely got to freeze housing disposals now. :'''Fergus:''' Yeah. And on that point, Glenn, I wonder if it might be at all helpful if we collated every single statement Mannion's made about Tickle and the sell-off policy? :'''Adam:''' Yeah, as a sort of favor to selected hacks. Put a bit of air between us and the policy. A ''lot'' of air. :'''Glenn:''' Adam, this is not the time for party political point-scoring. At least let the body get cold. :'''Fergus:''' Of course, understood. What was it? What was it Peter said to those Welsh chartered surveyors? :'''Adam:''' The health service should be for care, not subsidized housing. I mean, that is... :''(Adam mimes an explosion.)'' :'''Glenn:''' Jesus, is this what we came into politics for? :'''Adam:''' Yeah. That and the pussy. <hr width="50%"/> :''(In the car back to DoSAC HQ from Thought Camp, Phil hands Peter a rainbow tie.)'' :'''Peter:''' What's that? I'm supposed to be commenting on a suicide, not a fucking camel race! :'''Phil:''' I thought it would balance out the bad news. You know, yin-yang. [[wikipedia:Jon_Snow_(journalist)|Jon Snow]] does it. :'''Stewart''' ''(on his phone)'': I want Tickle's movements over the last 24 hours, and I want his complete mental health records since he first sat on a potty. :'''Peter:''' Do you think you might need one or two computers for that, Stewart? :'''Emma:''' ''(on her phone)'' Yeah, okay, well, we're going to try and dredge up some firefighting strategy. Yeah, yeah. Absolutely. I'll top-load you as soon as we arrive. Yeah, thanks, okay. All right, bye. :''(Peter is struggling to put his suit jacket on with his seatbelt on.)'' :'''Peter:''' Can I, can I take the seatbelt off? :'''Emma:''' ''(to Peter)'' No, Peter. ''(Emma then sees Stewart tapping his head nervously.)'' Stewart, what are you doing? :'''Stewart:''' It-It helps with the car sickness. :'''Peter:''' This is great, isn't it, Stewart? A conference on crisis management that's been scuppered by an actual fucking crisis. :'''Phil:''' We don't even know why he killed himself yet. I mean, suicide, it's pathetic! At least take some of your enemies with you, that's a noble death. :'''Emma:''' This is going completely nuts, so many questions being asked! :'''Stewart:''' Yes, starting with "Why did Phil bring a tie from the '90s?" :'''Phil:''' Yeah, don't panic, I brought an alternative. ''(shows Peter a black tie)'' :'''Peter:''' But that's too far the other way! :'''Stewart:''' It makes him look guilty. :'''Phil:''' How can he be guilty? He's got the perfect alibi, he was at boot camp. :'''Peter:''' Oh! :'''Emma:''' Brilliant, let's release that, hey? 'There's no actual blood on his hands ''and'' he remembered to wipe the fingerprints off the knife!' :'''Phil''' ''(showing Peter his tie)'': Look, you can wear my tie, what about mine? :'''Peter:''' What's on your tie? :'''Phil:''' Tintin moon rockets. :'''Peter:''' Oh, for fuck's sake! :'''Stewart:''' ''(to Phil)'' God, it amazes me you ever found your way out of your mother's womb! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stewart:''' Terri, poppet, can you send me out a cry-mail, 'We give a toss, we're sorry for your loss', yeah? Peter, we might need to relaunch the trousers. And get him a tie, a bland one; Glenn, one of yours, yeah? :''(Phil goes to get Glenn's tie)'' :'''Fergus:''' Er, Peter, I have a bit of news I should probably make you aware of. :'''Peter:''' Yes I do know, Fergus, a man with an amusing name has died. :'''Fergus:''' Er, no, actually, it's that this morning I, well, I set up a community bank. :'''Emma:''' ... What? :'''Peter:''' You did what? You s– You set up a bank? :'''Phil''' ''(returning with Glenn's tie)'': I had a moment of weakness and they exploited it, like [[wikipedia:Hugh Grant|Hugh Grant]]. :'''Fergus:''' Yeah, well, we didn't really have much choice 'cause it was all going to piss in a kettle here, so we had to get the economist out of the way. :'''Peter:''' What are you talking about? What economist? :'''Fergus:''' Well, we were having a preliminary meeting when Phil started to crow, Glenn was having a meltdown, it was getting embarrassing! :'''Peter''': You bought a bank out of social embarrassment? I sometimes buy ''[[wikipedia:The_Big_Issue|The Big Issue]]'' out of social embarrassment, I don't buy a ''fucking '''bank!''' :'''Fergus:''' Peter, this is so fucking us. :'''Stewart:''' Yeah, let me just wind back, right? Let's get this straight, just so that I can deal with you two properly: how much is this bank? :'''Fergus and Adam:''' Well, £2 billion. :'''Emma:''' ''£2 billion?'' :'''Stewart:''' Sweet Tracey Emin! :'''Adam:''' Alright, don't need to shit yourself about it, because we're not buying it. OK? It's funded by taxes. :'''Emma:''' Oh, that's alright then! :'''Peter:''' Oh great, the triple! I'm a nurse-killer, a banker, and now I'm raising '''''fucking TAXES?''''' :'''Fergus:''' Well, you are meant to be the bad cop, so what's our out? :''(Phil drapes Glenn's tie around Peter's neck)'' :'''Peter:''' You're giving me an actual noose along with a metaphorical one. TROUSERS! :'''Phil:''' Sorry, I'm getting the trousers – ''(interrupted by an alert on his phone)'' Jesus! What were you guys doing at the hotel? There's a picture of you on a slide, it's been tweeted by a golfer. :'''Emma:''' ''(looks at the photo)'' Oh, f– :'''Stewart:''' ''(receiving Phil's phone)'' No no no no no no... :'''Phil:''' It's gonna go big, probably viral. Bigger than ''[[wikipedia:Charlie_Bit_My_Finger|Charlie Bit My Finger]]''. :'''Adam:''' You look like the [[wikipedia:The_Swiss_Family_Robinson|Shit Family Robinson]]. :''(Stewart suddenly screams and hurls Phil's phone at the wall, narrowly missing Emma)'' :'''Emma:''' Jesus Christ! :'''Terri:''' Shit! :''(Stewart storms off)'' :'''Adam:''' Oh, poor Stewart. I think a bit of his brain broke. :'''Phil:''' My phone broke! I was up to Warlock General in Dragonlance! A year of my life, gone! :'''Fergus:''' Er, Peter, speaking of socially embarrassing situations, what the fuck were you doing being photographed ''on a slide''? :'''Peter:''' It was the only place we could get a FUCKING SIGNAL! :'''Fergus:''' Two grown men in a playground, that's a pretty 'clear signal'. :'''Emma:''' Peter, Number 10 have seen the photo. They don't want you to make a statement. So Fergus, looks like you're up. Statement on Tickle in 10 minutes, OK? :'''Fergus:''' Bring it! :'''Emma:''' I'm gonna go and talk Stewart down. :''(Phil tries to hand the pair of trousers to Peter.)'' :'''Peter:''' I don't want the fucking trousers! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Phil gives Glenn his tie back.)'' :'''Phil:''' Here you go, I managed to wrestle your tie back off Terri. I think there's still some of her fingernails in it, though. :'''Glenn:''' Well, in the grand scheme of things, that's not such a big deal. :'''Phil:''' You're not going to come and watch your guy give the statement? :'''Glenn:''' No. He's not my guy, Phil. I'm on my own here, there's no one quite like me. Not here, not any more. :'''Phil:''' Yeah. You're the last [[wikipedia:VHS|VHS]] in [[wikipedia:Oxfam|Oxfam]]. They won't take them anymore, I've tried. Seasons 1 to 5 of ''[[wikipedia:The_X-Files|The X-Files]]'', nothing, can't give them away. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Peter and Stewart share an unexpected bonding moment over their mutual dislike of Fergus while watching him on TV.)'' :'''Fergus:''' ''(talking to the reporters)'' ...for a fairer NHS, for a fairer public housing program. :'''Peter:''' He's exactly why people hate politicians. He's making me hate politicians -- ''him'' in particular. :'''Stewart:''' Any second now, he's gonna do the imaginary tits. :''(Fergus does the "imaginary tits...")'' :'''Peter:''' There they are. ''(Both Peter and Stewart let out sarcastic chuckles.)'' :'''Fergus:''' Thank you. ''(Fergus heads back inside.)'' :'''Peter:''' Look at him. ''(beat)'' Moments like this make you realize why Elvis shot so many TVs. ==Series 4, Episode 4== :'''Malcolm:''' ''(on the phone)'' Sam, hi, listen, can you do me a favour? Buy some flowers for Nicola fucking Murray. Yeah, have them delivered to her home this evening with a card that says: "Sorry you had to go, but let's face it, you are a fucking waste of skin". Waste of skin, yeah. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to a hospital receptionist)'' Morning. I'm looking for a Mr. Oliver Reeder. He looks a bit like a Quentin Blake illustration. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ollie:''' ''(answers his mobile)'' Hi Mum. Yeah, a bit sore – :'''Malcolm:''' ''(entering Ollie's room)'' Here she is, Britain's latest post-op transsexual. How did they do that, did they actually manage to graft one on? ''(briefly lifts up Ollie's bedsheet)'' :'''Ollie:''' I'll call you back, Mum. ''(hangs up)'' It's the scary Morrissey! :'''Malcolm:''' ''(throws Ollie some flowers)'' I've come to cheer you up. :'''Ollie:''' Did you actually buy me flowers, Malcolm? :'''Malcolm:''' No no no, it's [[wikipedia:Roadside_memorial|one of the many advantages]] of living close to an accident blackspot. So how are things, the little boy from ''The Secret Garden?'' :'''Ollie:''' Well, you know, there's no Wi-Fi, there's basic Freeview. It's like living in 2003. But I am lighter to the tune of one whole appendix, so I do feel very svelte. :'''Malcolm:''' So have you seen this? ''(holds up the'' Guardian'', which leads with an interview with Steve Fleming)'' :'''Ollie:''' ''(reads the headline)'' "Nicola Murray is 'unelectable'"? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(throws Ollie the paper)'' Fleming is foaming. :'''Ollie:''' Is that it then, is she fucked? :'''Malcolm:''' Like [[w:Caligula|Caligula]]'s favourite watermelon. Fleming's fired the starting pistol so we can all start firing our ''actual'' pistols into her fucking fat unelectable smug head. :'''Ollie:''' How...Is this it now? :'''Malcolm:''' It's on. It's on like Fat Pat's thong. We're putting Nicola on a train today to Bradford. It's the closest as I could get to locking her in a metal box. :'''Ollie:''' Oh, this is the Here 2 Hear thing. What a great idea, going around the country listening to people tell you that they hate you, just in different accents. ''(In various accents)'' "I fucking hate you." "I hate you." "I fucking hate you." :'''Ollie:''' So wait, today's the day? :'''Malcolm:''' Today's the day. Once she's on the train, I'm going to detonate the main bomb, but I need you to set one off later. :'''Ollie:''' ''(laughing)'' Malcolm, I'm in hospital, I'm not wearing any pants! :'''Malcolm:''' I don't care if you've been dead for a year and playing cribbage with [[wikipedia:Jimmy_Savile|Jimmy fucking Savile]]. I want you to make a bomb and explode it, today. :'''Ollie:''' ''(confused)'' This is a metaphorical bomb, right? :'''Malcolm:''' This is it, [[wikipedia:Jack_Bauer|Jack fucking Bauer]]. Time for you to embrace your inner bastard.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Nicola:''' I'm not going to exploit a suicide. :'''Malcolm:''' Come on, you can't look a gift corpse in the mouth, you should be taking that corpse and slapping the Government about the face with it. Bit of slap with Tickle, yeah? :'''Nicola:''' No, I'm not doing it, it's insensitive, as was that. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nicola:''' Erm, John, maybe – :'''John Duggan:''' Please, call me JD, I've rebranded. :'''Nicola:''' Right. So John, if you could get us some drinks, that would be great. :'''John Duggan:''' Abso-dutely, I could murder a lager! It's all right drinking on trains, isn't it, it's one of those places where alcohol is acceptable at any time of day, like a casino, or Cardiff. That's not racist. I could have said Glasgow, or Dublin. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ben''' ''(to two colleagues)'': Yeah, it's a [[wikipedia:Nigella_Lawson|Nigella]] recipe, you sort of do it with gammon and Coca-Cola. That's fantastic. :'''Malcolm:''' Ah, the hairless [[wikipedia:Rubeus_Hagrid|Hagrid]]. I need a private word. :'''Ben:''' Yeah, we're kind of in the middle of something. :'''Malcolm''' ''(to Ben's colleagues)'': I need you lot to make like a tree and go fuck yourselves. :'''Ben:''' Yeah, we'll pick this up later. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm''' ''(seeing Ben's empty desk)'': Oh I'm sorry, I can come back if you're – I didn't realise you were so fucking busy. :'''Ben:''' Well, I could do some work, but you know what, we're still gonna lose. :'''Malcolm:''' Hey hey hey. Don't be so grim, you big quim. You are the future of this party, yeah? You are the next generation. :'''Ben:''' And you're in its past, I mean – I don't really know why you're still here, Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' I just want to see this thing turn around, right? I can't leave while we're getting fucked in the polls, and we're getting fucked consistently and repeatedly like a horse in the fucking Hebrides. :'''Ben:''' All very original observations, Malcolm MacIntucker, but what's the solution? :'''Malcolm:''' Nicola has to go. Today. :'''Ben:''' Oh, right. :'''Malcolm:''' You need to resign. :'''Ben:''' And challenge her for the leadership? :'''Malcolm:''' Ah, no. No, that would be petty and self-interested. No. You are doing this for the greater good of the party. As Deputy Leader, Dan Miller will take over, and he can be anointed at a later date. :'''Ben:''' So, you want me to stick my cock in a fan so that Dan Miller can become the next Prime Minister? Well fuck you very much, Malcolm. What do ''I'' get out of this? :'''Malcolm:''' I would not ask you to do this for nothing, would I? :'''Ben:''' You might. :'''Malcolm:''' I'm asking you, because you're a big fucking beast. Which is why, when you come back, it'll be as Foreign Secretary. :'''Ben:''' And you mean Foreign Secretary, that isn't code for, like, Northern Ireland, I'm not fucking going there. :'''Malcolm:''' This is the proper Foreign Secretary, with all the perks. Fuck-off breakfasts at Dubai hotels. Tours of secret Russian sex yachts. :'''Ben:''' All right! All right, I'll do it. And you know what? I'd have done it for a lot less. :'''Malcolm:''' I beg your pardon? :'''Ben:''' I'd have done it just to see the look on Nicola's face. :'''Malcolm:''' Oh. I've underestimated you. :'''Ben:''' ''(quite proud of himself)'' You have been out-maneuvered by a player. It happens. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well...didn't used to. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nicola:''' God, this is absolutely ridiculous. We so should have sat separately in first! :'''Helen:''' You can't go in first class, it's career suicide. You might as well do a shit in the aisle. <hr width="50%" /> :''(Glenn Cullen is visiting Ollie Reeder in the hospital)'' :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' So go on, then. How's life in Nazi HQ? Is it fun collaborating? :'''Glenn:''' Oh, don't start all that again. I got into government by accident. :'''Ollie:''' Speaking of which, how is Terri? :'''Glenn:''' She's entering her dog for ''Britain's Got Talent.'' :''(Ollie lets out a big laugh)'' :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Look, what's the matter with you anyway? Please tell me you're looking for a bone marrow donor and that I'm your only hope. The answer would be no, by the way. :'''Ollie:''' Bad luck. No, it's an appendix out. Well, I hope it is. Since your lot took over the NHS, everything's a fucking adventure, isn't it? :'''Glenn:''' Look, all this is incredibly entertaining, Ollie. But you called me over in my lunch hour, and as you're fond of saying, I don't have many of them left. :'''Ollie:''' So you know all this stuff with Mr. Tickle? :'''Glenn:''' Sad business. :'''Ollie:''' Very sad business. :'''Glenn:''' Yeah. Mr. Sad is actually very very sad about it. :'''Ollie:''' Yes. Mr. Happy, on the other hand: fucking delighted! :'''Glenn:''' Yeah? Mr. Stoic's taking it on the chin. :'''Ollie:''' Yes! Mr. Milk-it says we should probably stop this now. :'''Glenn:''' Okey doke. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nicola''' ''(returning to her seat)'': Right, wee mission accomplished. :'''John Duggan''': Actually, having an accurate wee into a moving train toilet would make a great round on ''[[wikipedia:The_Cube_(game_show)|The Cube]]'' with Phillip Schofield.<hr width="50%" />'''Glenn''' ''(entering the toilet)'': Ollie, come on, this is my shittiest lunch break I've had since Stewart took us all out for sushi. :'''Ollie:''' Patience, old man, and you can watch the fuckpuppet master at work now. ''(calls Ben)'' Ben Swain! Benign tumour, Bental illness! :'''Ben:''' Ol– Oliver Cyst, Olivetti – Spaghet– I don't really have time for chit-chat, Ollie. :'''Ollie:''' Are you resigning, mate, are you dropping the R-bomb? [[wikipedia:Enola_Gay|Benola Gay]]? I'm not just, er, talking about the rumours. :'''Ben:''' Let's just say it is time to prepare the hidey-hole for Madame Hussein, her reign of error is over. :'''Ollie:''' And out of interest, Ben, what would it take to stop you from resigning? :'''Ben:''' Why, what's Nicola offering? :'''Ollie:''' Name your price! :'''Ben:''' All right. Shadow Chancellor. :''(Ollie laughs. Glenn barely stops himself from doing so as well.)'' :'''Ollie:''' Ah, you still got it, Benny. :'''Ben:''' I'm serious, stop fucking laughing. :'''Ollie:''' All right, I'll call you back. ''(hangs up)'' :'''Glenn:''' This is a fucking joke! Ben Swain, Chancellor? He goes into debt every time he passes a sweet shop! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm''' ''(answering his phone)'': What have you got for me, Professor Brian Cock? :'''Ollie:''' Ben small-balled it. Nicola's offered him Shadow Chancellor, he's not resigning. :'''Malcolm:''' Christ in a diamond heist, the dopey fucking bollard. Right, how are you getting on with the old man from ''[[Up (2009 film)|Up]]''? :''(Glenn is waiting outside the toilet)'' :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, you know, getting there. :'''Malcolm:''' Well, get a move on. I want him leaking like [[wikipedia:Cliff_Richard|Cliff Richard]] out jogging. :'''Ollie:''' Right. OK. I'll be right on it. ''(hangs up)'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm''' ''(entering Ben's office)'': Oh, here she is. [[wikipedia:Pippa_Middleton|Pippa Middleton]], trying to steal the limelight with your peachy little arse. Right, where are we? :'''Dan:''' Well, I've just offered Ben here Deputy Leadership of the party. :'''Ben:''' I don't want it. I want Chancellor. :'''Malcolm''' ''(surprised)'': Chancellor? Of the United Kingdom? :'''Ben:''' Yeah, it's what Nicola's offering me. :'''Malcolm:''' Are you sure about this Ben, how's your economics? :'''Ben:''' Good, strong. :'''Malcolm:''' What, you're a [[wikipedia:Philosophy,_Politics_and_Economics|PPE]]-er guy? :'''Ben:''' No, History of Art, but – :'''Malcolm:''' Oh right, so you are confident that one day you will be able to shepherd this country out of one of the darkest economic periods in its entire fucking art history? :'''Ben:''' Look, at the moment, I hold all the cards, including the card that tells you how to play, so – so [[wikipedia:It_ain't_over_till_the_fat_lady_sings|it's over. The fat lady's singing]]. :'''Malcolm:''' No she's not. The [[wikipedia:Wynne_Evans|fat man]] from the [[wikipedia:Gocompare.com|GoCompare]] adverts is talking. :'''Ben:''' This is tiger-by-the-tail time and I'm loving it, loving it, loving it! :'''Dan:''' Oh, in that case you leave me no option, Ben, I'm gonna have to say yes. :'''Ben:''' Oh, [[wikipedia:Chumbawamba|Chumba-fucking-wamba]]! Then I resign on the dotted line. :'''Malcolm:''' Can you give us a minute, Ben, please? Dan and I need to talk some strategy. :'''Ben:''' Might head in the direction of confection; any snack-age, anyone? :'''Dan:''' No, no. :''(Ben leaves)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Is this for real? :'''Dan:''' No, of course it's not for real, Malcolm. I'm offering him Chancellor, but I might as well be offering him bass player in [[wikipedia:The_Wurzels|The Wurzels]], because that burly haemorrhoid's getting nowhere near any fucking cabinet of mine. :'''Malcolm:''' Good, so how are you gonna shaft him? :'''Dan:''' That's not my problem. That's your problem, Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' Right, so this is a little test, is it, you're weighing my balls? :''(Dan nods and smiles.)'' :'''Dan:''' Should we get Ben? :'''Malcolm:''' Oh, [[wikipedia:I'll_be_back|he'll be back]]. Like the shit [[wikipedia:Terminator_(character)|Terminator]]. ''(Ben returns)'' There he is.<hr width="50%"/> :'''Ben:''' I hereby tweet, 'I have resigned. More to follow.' Didn't seem that momentous. :'''Malcolm:''' How many followers have you got? :'''Ben:''' 612, or thereabouts. :'''Malcolm:''' Christ, well let's hope it gets retweeted, otherwise you might as well just whisper it to a fucking dead tramp. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Nicola is upset that she wasn't able to get support from a fellow politician in her party.)'' :'''Nicola:''' Fucking fibroid polyp bitch! I hope they sprout out of her abdomen and fucking choke her! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Ben is preparing for his big announcement, but first, Malcolm wants to show Ben something on his cell phone.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' These phones are amazing, aren't they? I've got an [[wikipedia:Mobile_app|application]] here that can throw grenades into people's dreams. :'''Ben:''' So, how do I look? :'''Malcolm:''' Is that your suit with the reinforced trouser arse on it, yeah? :'''Ben:''' Ha, very funny. What, a joke that I'm going to shit myself? :'''Malcolm:''' No, it's because you're gonna need it for the 10 years you're gonna be sitting on the back benches. The e-mail trail about the key worker housing clearly shows that you, Benjamin Trevor Swain, were gleefully in favor of it, just like Nicola. :'''Ben:''' You've...Um... :'''Malcolm:''' There you go. Break a leg, love. And your neck and your wrist. It doesn't really matter. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Meanwhile, Nicola and Helen are on a train back to London, when Nicola realizes...)'' :'''Nicola:''' I never act on impulse. I'm so not impulsive. And Malcolm made me do it now, fuck! :'''Helen:''' What? :'''Nicola:''' Launching this inquiry may prove to be misguided in that I now recall I may have fleetingly supported the policy myself. :'''Helen:''' (in disbelief) So you've essentially launched an investigation into yourself. :'''Nicola:''' Malcolm made me do it. :'''Helen:''' Oh, well, Malcolm, yeah. :'''Nicola:''' You've met Malcolm. I would've said that it was ethically bad. :'''Helen:''' I'll tell you what you said, just give me a minute. ''(Helen scoffs)'' Brilliant. Courtesy of the ''Telegraph'' website. You said, "Great revenue raiser, but I'm afraid it's a no-no because of my bloody husband." I'm sorry. Why would you do that? :'''Nicola:''' You remember all your e-mails, do you, that you sent three years ago? Because from what I understand from Ollie, a large number of them were sent to that married producer on the ''Daily Politics.'' :'''Helen:''' Ollie is a fucking...because...He was supposed to leave her and... :''(Helen wants to come up with a better rescue plan.)'' :'''Helen:''' Okay, while we're on our way back to London, maybe we should make a list of the things, you know, you're for and against. Let's start with something simple. Animals in circuses? :'''Nicola:''' Tell you what. Why don't you make the little list and shove it up your tight, cold arse? I just need to stare. :'''Helen:''' Have a good stare. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nicola:''' ''(on the phone to Ollie)'' You are not going to try and talk me down off a ledge, are you? Because, I've got to tell you, I'm really tired and the pavement looks like a nice, warm, splatty bed right now. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' Right, come on, folks, gather round, grab your cheesy nachos and your fucking [[wikipedia:Vuvuzela|vuvuzelas]]: this is what we've all been waiting for, it's the Queen's fucking speech. :''(A few moments later, as Nicola begins her resignation speech...)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Come on, this is fucking history in the making, right, this is the ending of a chapter of a very thin book that nobody enjoyed reading. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nicola:''' It has become apparent to me that I no longer have the full support of the party. :'''Malcolm:''' You never had the support of the party, you big bag of fucking useless doubt. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Dan enters the room as Nicola concludes her speech.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' And here he is, the anointed one! :''(Malcolm leads the room in applause)'' :'''Dan:''' Oh – please, please, I'm not Christ. He was quite a scruffy man. ==Series 4, Episode 5== :''(In this scene, Peter, Phil and Emma are walking their way upstairs to their office. The news of Nicola Murray's resignation as Leader of the Opposition is being broadcast on TV.)'' :'''Phil:''' There she goes, a tiebreaker in the making. "Who was Nicola Murray? I'll have to hurry you, teams." :'''Peter:''' Farewell, our shit and useless servant. :'''Emma:''' Yeah, at least Miller's a step up from Murray. He doesn't have to write Left and Right on his wellies. :''(Meanwhile, Stewart is leading his team downstairs at their desks.)'' :'''Stewart:''' I need your attention for 30 of your earth seconds. ''This'' is what will happen. :'''Phil:''' ''(looking downstairs)'' What the fuck is Stewart doing? :'''Stewart:''' You will go to the Z drive. You find a file entitled, "Miller Ascension, Whitehall Arab Spring." Open, ingest, implement. And after that...''(While Stewart is talking to the team, he sees Peter, Phil and Emma upstairs and makes an "I see you" gesture towards them.)'' I expect both of you, you two... :'''Peter:''' ''(groaning)'' Oh, fuck. :'''Stewart:''' ...to get together... :'''Peter:''' The man made of space hopper is coming this way. :''(Peter, Phil and Emma continue walking.)'' :'''Emma:''' This is gonna be about the inquiry. :'''Peter:''' ''(to Phil and Emma)'' I'm thinking I should resign now. :''(Emma and Phil are stunned.)'' :'''Emma:''' ''WHAT?'' :'''Phil:''' No, you can't do that! You're [[wikipedia:Aslan|Aslan]]! No one shaves your mane! :'''Peter:''' I'm not a fucking lion, Phil. There's going to be an inquiry into the death of a man who died because of a policy I signed off on. We all know how this is going to end. I, I, I should take the dignified way out. :'''Emma:''' No, you've missed the dignified exit. That was straight away, basically. :'''Peter:''' ''(slumping his shoulders)'' Yeah. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Peter, Phil and Emma are now talking about Fergus and Adam's Carer's Pass policy.)'' :'''Peter:''' The only silver lining in today's cloud of farts is that another one of [[wikipedia:Morecambe and Wise|Morecambe and Wise]]'s policy launches is ruined. :'''Phil:''' Are those the carers? They don't look old enough. :'''Emma:''' Free travel passes or something. It's another one of Adam and Fergus's Pop-Up Book of Policies. :''(As Peter and his team stop by the carers, he politely greets them and shakes their hands.)'' :'''Peter:''' ''(to the carers)'' Peter Mannion, lovely to meet you. What vital work you do. :'''Fergus:''' Peter, I'd love to introduce you to the carers... :'''Peter:''' ''(to Fergus, flatly)'' I've just met them. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Peter, Phil and Emma are now trying to come up with a plan in Peter's office...)'' :'''Peter:''' What's my plan? I didn't resign, and now this inquiry's gonna nail me up like fucking [[wikipedia:Barabbas|Barabbas]]. :'''Phil:''' Actually, he was the one they let go. Shouldn't have, he's a criminal. :'''Emma:''' Wait...We could, we could wrong-foot Murray. :'''Peter:''' Yeah, how? :'''Emma:''' You could push for the inquiry to go wider. :'''Phil:''' Wider? That's mental, we want to shut it down! :'''Emma:''' No, shush! Just hear me out! We can look into the whole, the whole culture of PFI procurement. :'''Phil:''' That is a good idea. :'''Peter:''' Really? :'''Phil:''' Fuck, that hurt to say! But she-she's right, because, um, Murray's husband's involved in PFI and he's as dodgy as a Russian, – as a Russian. :'''Emma:''' We can backspin it, Peter, it's good. :'''Peter:''' But, but is – is revenge a mature response? Let me think: Yes it is. Right, let's poke her in the PFIs. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Stewart is now upstairs talking to more of the DoSAC personnel.)'' :'''Stewart:''' If you get any channel problems, just swing them past the purple Power Ranger over here. (pointing to Terri) :''(As Peter leaves his office, he sees the carers again.)'' :'''Peter:''' ''(to the carers)'' Hello again. Vital, vital work, so proud of you. ''(Then Peter walks over to Terri.)'' Terri, I've got a job for you. :'''Stewart:''' Ah, Peter, this is all pretty white-knuckle stuff, eh? Is it getting the old adrenaline pumping, assuming it can squeeze past the port and stilton – :'''Peter:''' ''(to Stewart)'' Shut the fuck up, you prancing shit. ''(to Terri)'' Uh, we need to widen the inquiry into Mr. Tickle's death to include the issue of PFI contracts. :'''Terri:''' Great. Okay, I'm just working on Fergus's Carers Pass press release... :'''Peter:''' Aw, good. Could you fuck that to one side for the moment and concentrate on this? Yeah. :'''Stewart:''' Let's slip it into neutral for a moment here, Peter. We haven't got a green light from the PM yet, so let's not hit the accelerator. :'''Peter:''' Here's another way of looking at it: Let's. Goodbye. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm''' ''(to party staff, ahead of Nicola's arrival)'': Right, stop rolling around naked in the headlines; [[wikipedia:Thinking_man's/woman's_crumpet|blind man's crumpet]]'s on the way up. If you're gonna film her on your phones, try not to make it obvious, and no smiling. Not even a wee fucking [[wikipedia:Anne_Robinson|Anne Robinson]], right? The look we're going for should be ''solemn respect'': you know, like blokes modelling underpants.<hr width="50%" /> :''(Nicola Murray is trying to ask Dan Miller, the new Leader of the Opposition, NOT to go through with launching the inquiry.)'' :'''Nicola:''' This inquiry, you know, it's not really necessary now, so if-if you want to say that, I'll just back down. :'''Dan:''' ''(unmoved)'' An inquiry wouldn't be a bad thing. A clean break with the past in the minds of the electorate. :'''Nicola:''' Well, I mean, the electorate, you know, like me. ''(chuckling)'' Quite a lot of them voted me leader, so... :'''Dan:''' But you only beat me on a technicality. :'''Nicola:''' Yeah. I mean the thing is, Dan, ''(Dan nods)'' you know, pragmatically, I'm now a party grandee – ''(Malcolm enters)'' Malcolm, this is a private conversation. :''(Malcolm takes a chair and sits down.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' You are not a grandee, you are a fucking blandee. No one knew what the fuck you stood for. Political fucking mist. No substance, no weight. You've got all the charm of a rotting teddy bear by a graveside. By the way...women fucking hate you. I can show you the polling. They think you come across like a jittery mother at a wedding. The best thing you ever did in your flatlining non-leadership was call for an inquiry, because that will fuck the government and it will fuck ''you''. So now, please, just fuck off back to your home, you headless frump, and prepare for your column in ''[[wikipedia:Grazia|Grazia]]''. :'''Dan:''' Steady on, Malcolm, that's a bit strong. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Come on, let's go. :'''Nicola:''' Okay, you, well...You just need to know that you have absolutely fucking done it now, Malcolm, because you are about to find out what it feels like to have me pissing in your tent. :'''Malcolm:''' Well, you know what? Your piss will never fucking make it into my tent, because by some unforeseen Nicola Murray-shaped fiasco, like every fucking Nicola Murray-shaped fiasco I've had to deal with for the last two years. you'll end up blowing your own fucking stream into your own fucking face. ''There's'' your golden handshake. :'''Nicola:''' Finished? :'''Malcolm:''' ''You're'' finished. :'''Nicola:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' We'll see. ''(to Dan)'' Right, well, thanks, Dan. Think about what I said. Also might want to think about the fact there should be an apostrophe in "its" ''(pointing to the "Its Miller Time" sign)'' Illiterate fuckers. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Adam is at Fergus's computer in their office. Adam is showing Fergus an article that will help Fergus distance himself from Peter in the Tickel scandal.)'' :'''Adam:''' Bingo. We just need to leak it. You saying, "Key worker housing sell-off is possibly the worst idea since the invention of theatre." :'''Fergus:''' Does that give us enough distance from Mannion? :'''Adam:''' Oh yeah. This is your Get Out of Jail Free card strapped to a fucking jetpack. We just need to leak it. :'''Fergus:''' Yeah, well, obviously it can't look like it came from us. :'''Adam:''' Maybe it's time to bring Glenn back into the hub. He's been out on a limb since punk, hasn't he? :'''Fergus:''' Thousand-year-old Glenn Fiddich? :'''Adam:''' Yeah. Fucking perfect, he'll love it. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Glenn, meanwhile, is in his office, trying to contact Ollie.)'' :'''Glenn''' ''(on the phone)'': Ollie, look, I'm feeling very exposed here. I've got my cock out, it's covered in breadcrumbs and the fucking pigeons are circling. Look, please, just-just ring me back. :''(Suddenly, Fergus and Adam enter Glenn's office.)'' :'''Adam:''' Mr. Cullen. We would like you to leak -- ''(pretending to be a magician)'' Wow! This. ''(Adam shows Glenn a [[wikipedia:USB flash drive|USB flash drive]].)'' Don't worry, nothing major, just an email that puts a bit of distance between Fergus and the Tickle affair. :'''Glenn:''' What, I go from being a turnip to a leak? Still a fucking vegetable to you, though, eh? :'''Fergus:''' You wanna bring Mannion down a peg or 12, don't you, Glenn? :'''Glenn:''' Yeah, of course I do. The up his arse Kensington Butcher. :'''Adam:''' ''(pointing to the USB flash drive)'' Well, this is the cyanide capsule we'd like you to break into his afternoon brandy. :'''Fergus:''' This is it, Glenn. You're off the bench, back on the pitch to score the golden goal in extra time. Come on, mate! :'''Adam:''' Pick it up. :''(After some thought...)'' :'''Glenn:''' Fuck it. Why not? I'll do it. :'''Fergus:''' Good man. Thank you. :''(Fergus offers to shake Glenn's hand, but Glenn's still a bit, uh, sore...)'' :'''Glenn:''' I don't need to shake your hand. :'''Fergus:''' All right. Touchy, but not feely. :'''Glenn:''' Just go. I'll just have a look at it. :''(As they leave Glenn's office. Fergus and Adam give each other celebratory fist bumps.)'' :'''Adam:''' You are a brilliant bullshitter. :'''Fergus:''' Yeah, well, two years doing press for npower, it never leaves you. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Glenn sneaks into Terri's office to leak the email from her computer while nobody else is looking. But as he's getting ready to do the deed, Glenn's caught by -- who else? -- Terri.)'' :'''Terri:''' Glenn! ''(beat)'' What are you doing at my computer? :'''Glenn:''' I-I'm just doing Bradford & Bingley a favor. I'm bringing down Mannion by leaking an email. :'''Terri:''' A leak? C-Coming from my computer? No. No, get off, get off. ''(pointing to the computer)'' Take that...that, the whatever it is out of the...whatever it is. Take it. Out. :'''Glenn:''' No one will think it's you. Nobody leaks from their own computer. Look, you do this for me and I'll make sure that you get the full severance package, no questions asked, with full pension. :'''Terri:''' ''(tempted)'' And a lump sum? :'''Glenn:''' Yeah, I guess, yeah. :'''Terri:''' ''(whispering)'' The thing is, Glenn, I've got -- I've got my eye on a tea shop near Ludlow. Without a lump sum, no tea shop, no can do. :'''Glenn:''' Okay, right. This can go straight to Geoffrey at ''The Guardian.'' :'''Terri:''' Okay, yeah. :'''Glenn:''' Right. :'''Terri:''' Can we do it together? :'''Glenn:''' What? :'''Terri:''' Please? Just your hand on mine and my hand on yours, just do it together. Like, erm... :'''Glenn:''' Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. :'''Terri:''' Yes, okay. :'''Glenn:''' Not that I'm saying you're butch. :'''Terri:''' No, of course not. :''(And with that, Glenn and Terri lock hands on the computer mouse...)'' :'''Glenn & Terri:''' One, two, three... :''(They click the mouse.)'' :'''Glenn:''' Just send the email. <hr width="50%"/> :''(In this scene, Peter, Phil and Emma arrive at Stewart's office at Number 10. Stewart is preparing a "whiteboard session"...much to Peter's annoyance.)'' :'''Stewart:''' Ah, Team Peter. Come on, guys, let's take a little imagination stroll through a virtual inquiry, yeah? :'''Peter:''' ''(groaning)'' Oh, dear God, not another whiteboard session. I've-I've got a note from my mother, I have a verruca. :'''Stewart:''' Just wanna get an overview, Peter, yeah? A helicopter shot of where we currently are. Who's most to blame in the blame garden. Okay, the onion is PFI. Let's peel back some layers. Murray resignation, how do we feel about that? :'''Peter:''' What's "Tickle's M Records"? :'''Stewart:''' Medical, it's his leaked medical records. :'''Peter:''' Leaked? I-I-I thought they were common knowledge. :'''Stewart:''' Well, they are now, because they have been leaked. :'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' Did you know about this? :'''Emma:''' Well, yeah, Number 10 knew, so I-I knew, yeah. :'''Peter:''' ''(to Phil)'' What about you? :'''Phil:''' Yeah, I-I thought Tickle leaked them himself. :'''Stewart:''' Who would voluntarily leak their own medical records? You'd have to be mad to do that. :'''Peter:''' He ''was'' mad, that's precisely what his records said. :'''Phil:''' Exactly. You know, he was a male nurse. That's not just mad, that's mental. :'''Emma:''' ''(taken aback)'' Oh, Phil! Did the last 30 years only happen to other people? :'''Peter:''' Why didn't I know about this? Leaking medical records ''is'' illegal. Well, I-I -- Now I look guilty and incompetent. :'''Stewart:''' ''(writing on the whiteboard)'' Ah! Peter, incompetent. :'''Peter:''' Look! Don't write that down! I'm not on your sodding onion! :'''Stewart:''' ''(continuing writing)'' What is GFU? Good for us. Mmm? :'''Emma''' ''(looking at her phone)'': Oh, shit with a capital SHIT! We've got to go. :'''Phil:''' Great! ''(stands up)'' :'''Stewart:''' Hey, no no no no no no no, sit. :'''Emma:''' ''The Guardian'' have received an email from Fergus – actually, do you know, strike that, a ''chain'' of emails – Oh, perfect, with all of our comments about Mr. Tickle underneath. :'''Phil:''' Oh God, not-not the one where we all piled in with the ''[[w:Mr. Men|Mr. Men]]'' jokes? :'''Emma:''' Yes, yes. That one, Phil. :'''Stewart:''' Oh, you kid me! :'''Phil:''' Oh, Jesus! :'''Emma:''' I kid you not! :'''Peter:''' Oh my giddy fuck. :''(They all run back to DoSAC while reading the emails on their phones.)'' :'''Emma:''' They've leaked all the bloody emails: 'Mr. Tickle sounds like a gropey clown at a kids' party'. :'''Peter:''' I can't see! Can I make it bigger? :'''Phil:''' Go to Settings. 'Poor ickle Mr. Tickle, perhaps he's mentally sickle.' Must be Fergus. :'''Peter:''' Is this Settings? Oh, I think I've just taken a picture of my feet! <hr width="50%" /> :'''Ollie:''' Erm... Glenn is in reception. :'''Malcolm:''' Hoddle? Miller? Close? Morangie? :'''Ollie:''' Cullen. Glenn Cullen is in reception. :'''Malcolm:''' Glenn? :'''Ollie:''' Yeah. :'''Malcolm:''' Why are you even fucking telling me that? When the Queen's butler finds a cockroach in the pantry, he just stamps on it. :'''Ollie:''' Yes... :'''Malcolm:''' She doesn't even know! :'''Ollie:''' Okay. Okay! I'll go stamp on the cockroach, Malcolm. <hr width="50%" /> :'''Glenn:''' Oh, hey! Shouldn't you be in bed? :'''Ollie:''' Shouldn't you not be here?! Whoa, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop! You can't go up there. :'''Glenn:''' No, I have to. I ''can't'' go back over there, it's like ''[[w:Alien vs. Predator (franchise)|Alien vs. Predator]]''! :'''Ollie:''' Glenn! :'''Glenn:''' I want back in! Here! :'''Ollie:''' Yes, everybody is... tremendously appreciative of what you've done. It was a noble sacrifice, but-- :'''Glenn:''' What do you mean, "sacrifice"? I thought we had a deal! "Sacrifice" sounds very one-sided. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, well, "piss off" sounds one-sided, but there we go-- ''(Malcolm arrives and pushes him aside)'' Hey! M-Malcolm! :'''Malcolm:''' Why is he still here? Can you not perform a simple task? When there is a shit on your doorstep, you hose it off. :'''Ollie:''' Right. :'''Malcolm:''' You don't try to talk it into leaving of its own volition. :'''Glenn:''' I got rid of Nicola for you, you owe me! :'''Malcolm:''' I owe you? Your act of treachery wiped the slate clean. [[Rudolf Hess]]'s fucking senile older brother. :'''Glenn:''' Look, I know you think I screwed up, but I came here on my hands and knees, Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' You, my friend, you don't exist to me anymore, I can't even fucking hear you. :'''Glenn:''' Do you want me to beg? Is-Is that it? Because I -- Because I will. :'''Malcolm:''' Listen, [[Mary, Queen of Scots|Mary, Queen of fucking Shits]]: in the old days we would've just slit you up the middle like a fucking Cornish [[wikipedia:Pasty|pasty]], hanged your steaming entrails all around the Tower of fucking London! Catch you later, you fucking traitor! ''(turns to Sam, who has appeared on the stairs)'' Sam, what is it? :'''Sam:''' It's a call from Stewart Pearson. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(takes the phone from Sam)'' Stewart Pearson. ''(to Glenn)'' I'm the fucking wankers' lodestone today. ''(answers the phone, walking away)'' Stewart. Yes, [[wikipedia:Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy|the goatee-bearded guru-boy of Company B]]. :'''Ollie:''' It's a no, Glenn. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Stewart and Malcolm are having a not-so-friendly chat on their cell phones.)'' :'''Stewart:''' Yeah, Malcolm, can this wait? Hmm? :'''Malcolm:''' Word is the PM's considering an inquiry into the culture of leaking. :'''Stewart:''' No, no. Do you really think he's going to invite everyone into our complex network of secret little burrows? Open up the whole of Watership Down? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Okay, Bright Eyes. I'm massively fucking reassured. :'''Stewart:''' Look, you may as well have an inquiry into gravity. Now I have to go, Malcolm, because I've got like a whole country to govern, yeah? <hr width="50%"/> :''(As Peter, Phil and Emma are coming back to the office, Terri runs up to Peter to beg his forgiveness for the leaking of the chain of emails.)'' :'''Terri:''' ''(to Peter)'' The primary thing I want to say, first and foremost, is that you can't blame me for this. Peter. If-If anything, it's the culture of blame that's to blame for this. :''(Peter and his team walk past Terri and, yet again, pass the carers along the way.)'' :'''Peter:''' ''(to the carers, smiling)'' Great to see you again. Such crucial work you do. ''(to Phil and Emma, angrily)'' Meeting room! :''(Team Peter finally make their way into the meeting room.)'' :'''Peter:''' ''(to Phil and Emma)'' Right, ''SIT DOWN!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''(As soon as Team Peter enters the meeting room and close the door, Peter really lays into Phil and Emma.)'' :'''Peter:''' I can't resign, and I'm not gonna resign. I had the perfect moment to resign, which was right early on, when I could have resigned in a dignified and statesman-like way, and you both advised me not to resign. So now, I can't resign. :''(Phil and Emma agree with Peter's decision not to resign.)'' :'''Peter:''' ''(still composing himself)'' What's gonna happen is this. One of you has got to go. I want both of you to give me reasons why you shouldn't resign. :'''Phil:''' ''(stunned)'' Er, because...because I'm a, a Special Advisor to a...senior cabinet minister. :'''Emma:''' ''(while Phil's talking)'' That's a job description, Philip. That's a job description. :'''Peter:''' ''(unimpressed)'' That's not a reason. That's just your job -- from which I'm asking you why you shouldn't resign. :'''Phil:''' ''(struggling)'' I know everything about you. I am a, a world expert in-in-in Peter Mannion from, uh, PIN number to inside leg measurement. I, I'm-I'm there, um, you know... :'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' What's his inside leg measurement? :'''Phil:''' ''(to Emma)'' 34. ''(to Peter)'' I've given you everything, Peter, you can't...I mean, I-I don't have anything else, that's the point. I don't, I don't have any friends, I don't have any life, I haven't had sex for five years and I don't even enjoy it, so...you know, I'm not gonna get anyone pregnant. I'm never gonna get anyone pregnant, okay? You know, I'm fucking seedless. Whereas she's just, just a fucking baby bomb, okay? :'''Emma:''' Phil, you are just a... :'''Phil:''' And she's gonna go off all over the office and-and leave you! I'm gonna be here! :''(And THEN, to make matters worse for Peter, Terri barges into the meeting room!)'' :'''Terri:''' ''(entering)'' I'm sorry, I'm sorry, but my-my good name is at stake here. :'''Peter:''' Oh, Christ... :'''Terri:''' Peter, you must understand. I am an innocent woman. I'm the DoSAC One. :'''Peter:''' ''(fed up)'' That's it! I've had enough! I've had enough of all of you! You're all shit! I'm gonna sort it out by myself! :''(Peter leaves the meeting room...but now he's trying to outrun Terri.)'' :'''Terri:''' I can't bear that you think about me like this. :'''Peter:''' Don't follow me, Terri. :'''Terri:''' Please... :'''Peter:''' Stop following me. :'''Terri:''' I insist. I insist. I insist, Peter, please... :'''Peter:''' All right, Terri! I admit it, I'm in love with you! Now fuck off back to your office and organize the wedding! <hr width="50%"/> :''(And now, Fergus and Adam are celebrating what seems to be a triumphant victory.)'' :'''Fergus:''' ''(happily)'' Mannion goes [[wikipedia:Mel Gibson|Mel Gibson]]. :'''Adam:''' ''(chuckling)'' Spot it. :''(Fergus and Adam celebrate with a fist bump.)'' :'''Fergus:''' You know, you know what you've done? :'''Adam:''' Yeah? :'''Fergus:''' You, you, you have bought a fan, you plugged it in, you turned it on, you turned the dial up to maximum. :'''Adam:''' It wasn't a weak fan, it wasn't one of those office fans. It was a Dyson. And I stood the other side of it. :'''Fergus:''' Did a liquid shit on it. :'''Adam:''' Trousers down. :'''Fergus:''' And where did the shit go? :''(Adam imitates an explosion.)'' :'''Fergus:''' All over Mannion. :''(But then, Fergus's cell phone chimes...)'' :'''Adam:''' That's just priceless. :'''Fergus:''' Fuck, hang on... :'''Adam:''' What? :'''Fergus:''' Um, check the fucking emails. :'''Adam:''' What are you talking about? :'''Fergus:''' What the fuck did you give to Glenn? :'''Adam:''' ''(checking the computer)'' Well, it was just the email, just the... :'''Fergus:''' Yeah, but it's the whole -- We're on the email. :'''Adam:''' Oh, fucking hell... :''(Fergus and Adam are now starting to panic.)'' :'''Fergus:''' Why did you, why did you leave us on the-on the dongle? :'''Adam:''' Because he's only supposed to send the fucking top part of it. :'''Fergus:''' Why did you give him the choice? :'''Adam:''' Because an email has a chain, Fergus, it has a fucking chain that goes all the way down! :'''Fergus:''' Adam, there is now shit all over me! How come there is shit on me? Thanks, Adam! :'''Adam:''' Look, it's not my fucking fault! He's supposed to redact it! :'''Fergus:''' I just wanted one solid shit to go in one direction! Not [[wikipedia:Madras_curry_sauce|Madras]] fucking everywhere! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Fergus and Adam are now going after Glenn.)'' :'''Adam:''' Hey! [[w:2000 Year Old Man|2000 Year Old Man]]! Why the FUCK did you send the whole email?! Huh?! You were supposed to redact it, send the top email, not the whole fucking exchange! JESUS CHRIST ON A CRYSTAL METH BINGE! :'''Glenn:''' Terri and I sent what you gave me. :'''Adam:''' ''(in hysterical disbelief)'' ''Terri?! Why the fuc–'' THE ONLY REASON I'D EVER ASK TERRI FOR HELP IS TO ''SHOOT'' ME IF I EVER ASKED TERRI FOR HELP! :'''Glenn:''' Same reason you gave it to me: distance! TWO PEOPLE, TWICE THE DISTANCE! :'''Fergus:''' BUT TERRI DOESN'T GIVE US ANY DISTANCE! TERRI GIVES ME A TWITCH, ''(points to his eye)'' RIGHT HERE! YEAH, LAUGH IT UP, GLENN, BUT I'VE GOT A TWITCH, ''CALLED TERRI!'' :'''Terri:''' ''(from behind a book shelf, voice cracking)'' I am actually here, you know! :'''Fergus:''' Yeah, and that, in a nutshell, is the whole fucking problem! :''(Fergus storms off, Adam follows.)'' :'''Adam:''' ''(singsong)'' Fuck you very much! ''(to the carers, who have witnessed the entire exchange)'' Five minutes, guys, yeah? :'''The Carers:''' ''(moaning)'' Thanks. :'''Terri:''' ''(quietly to Glenn)'' Glenn...what about my tea shop? :'''Glenn:''' ''(sarcastically)'' It got closed! There's been a murder! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ollie:''' An inquiry into all of leaking, all of leaking! We are so ''–'' We are so screwed! :'''Malcolm:''' He's done it. That chinless horse-fiddler. Our fuck-lustrious PM has opened Pandora's fucking Box, and curled a massive steamer right into it! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stewart:''' In the time it has taken for Terri to extract herself from her Bluetooth, this little inquiry has fused! It is now growing faster than the speed of bloody light! It's not gonna be something that we can see ''from'' space, IT'S GOING TO ''BE'' SPACE! [[w:Brian Cox (physicist)|BRIAN COX]] IS GONNA PHONE ME, AND ASK FOR THE FILM RIGHTS! :'''Peter:''' BUT WHAT LEAK, WHAT LEAK, ''WHAT FUCKING LEAK?!'' :'''Stewart:''' ANYTHING! If I find out that ''anyone'' from here has leaked ''anything'', I will make sure they have to emigrate after this to a country where they don't speak English, and there's no Internet! :'''Peter:''' But every-everyone who leaked anything, that would fill the fucking Caspian Sea, we're just a drop in the ocean here! :'''Stewart:''' No, no, no, what you are, Peter, is Leak Zero! It started here! You have presided over a shambolic showering of info! Peter Mannion, 'Singing in the Rain'! ''(mobile rings)'' Oh, Christ. ''(answers)'' Hello, Malcolm! :'''Malcolm:''' Right, was this your idea? Because I don't remember signing any suicide pact. :'''Stewart:''' Malcolm, look, I'm as shocked about this as you are. :'''Malcolm:''' Yes. You sound ''really'' shocked, you big fucking spunk lolly. :'''Stewart:''' Yeah, look, I don't even know what that is. But I, you know, I think we all need time to, to process this data, yep? :''(Fergus and Adam burst in)'' :'''Fergus:''' WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?! :'''Adam:''' ''(restraining Fergus)'' All right, Fergus. ''(calmly)'' What the fuck is going on? :'''Phil:''' [[w:Raiders of the Lost Ark|The Ark has been opened, and your face is gonna melt!]] :'''Emma:''' There's gonna be an inquiry. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' Have I just stepped through a portal into a sausage machine? Because this is making mincemeat of my head. [[wikipedia:It's the End of the World as We Know It (And I Feel Fine)|It's the end of the world as we know it]]. To paraphrase a popular fucking [[wikipedia:The Bangles|Bangles]] song. :'''Ollie:''' It was, erm...It was [[wikipedia:R.E.M.|R.E.M.]] :'''Malcolm:''' Don't start contradicting me on that kind of shit. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm is trying to talk to Ollie about the importance of leaking in the governmental system.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Leaking is a fundamental component of our governmental system! If a government can't leak, do you know what happens? Dark shit builds up, and then ''–'' it ''bursts!'' And that's something you don't want to see! You think your appendix was bad? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' This is the gift that's gonna go on giving, believe you me. So you'd better keep your head down. And I don't mean just when you're frequenting your favorite glory holes. :'''Ollie:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Yeah, well...Whereas ''your'' closet is ''completely'' free of skeletons, isn't it, Malcolm? 'Cause you've buried them in a landfill in Essex. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' When this inquiry lands, you'd better have developed a very flat, stony face with no expression. But that'll be easy for you: it's your fucking cum face, isn't it? <hr width="50%"/> :''(deleted scene)'' :''(Malcolm wants Ollie to visit Nicola at her home)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Just go and stop her doing anything mental, right? Which, given that she thought she could be Prime Minister, the parameters for mental are about as wide as your mother's legs when the fleet's in town. :'''Ollie:''' All right, if I'm doing this for you, can we have a bit more respect for my mother, please? Those sailors get lonely. :'''Malcolm:''' This is some of my best stuff, and it's being ignored. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, what does that tell you?<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Glenn:''' But I came here on my hands and knees, Malcolm, I'm supplicating here; I'm a supplicant, Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' Well, unfortunately, that ship has sailed, hit a fucking iceberg, sunk, and [[wikipedia:Julian_Fellowes|Julian Fellowes]] has written [[wikipedia:Titanic_(2012_miniseries)|a fucking shit drama]] about it. ==Series 4, Episode 6== :''(This is the opening scene of this episode. Welcome to the Goolding Inquiry.)'' :'''Lord Goolding:''' This is an inquiry into the death of Mr. Douglas Tickel. And the practice and culture of the dissemination of confidential information between political parties and the public media. Mr. Weir. :'''Simon Weir:''' Uh, thank you, Lord Goolding. Um, our first witness today is, uh, is Mr. Stewart Pearson. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Stewart Pearson is ready to testify before the Goolding Inquiry Committee. He takes the oath, but politely declines to put his hand on the Bible.)'' :'''Stewart:''' ''(to the Bible holder)'' No, that's, er, it's fine. ''(taking the oath)'' Yeah. Um, I, Stewart Pearson, do sincerely declare and affirm that the evidence I shall give will be the truth, the whole truth and, and nothing but, uh, the truth. :'''Simon Weir:''' On page, uh, 235 of your, your witness statement...uh, you describe yourself as the, the "Human Rooter" in government. Can you, uh, can you explain what you meant by that? :'''Stewart:''' Um, I'm a...a "router," in the sense that I control the governmental informational ingestion and egestion process. :'''Simon Weir:''' Uh, Mr. Pearson, just to clarify, your job is -- is to make sure that the public perception of your government's program is a positive one, is that fair? :'''Stewart:''' It's not about perception, yeah? I believe in government as a transceiver, mmm? :'''Simon Weir:''' A transceiver? :'''Stewart:''' Yeah, it's really important, yeah, sure, to give out a, uh, a strong signal, but you -- to be effective, you've got to listen for an echo. :'''Lord Goolding:''' Could you possibly speak in plain English? :'''Stewart:''' I'm sorry, I, I...I thought, I thought I was. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' So what-what is clear is that you are an important man, Mr. Pearson. :'''Stewart:''' I'm just a lad from Leeds with a lust for life, yeah? Um...there's an, uh, an African proverb that's, that's stuck with me, yeah? "If you think you're too small to make a difference, you've never spent a night with a mosquito." :'''Baroness Sureka:''' So...part of your job is to make sure that the government's message gets across clearly? Is that right? :'''Stewart:''' That's correct. And despite the sarcasm marinating in that question, I'm very successful in that endeavor. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' ''(correcting Stewart)'' No, there was no sarcasm intended at all, Mr. Pearson. :'''Stewart:''' Sorry, I must have misread your face. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Um, does your job intrude on your home life? :'''Stewart:''' No. No, when I, when I close the front door, I'm...I'm no longer Stewart Pearson. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' When you... :'''Stewart:''' I mean, I mean when I close it from the, from the inside. You know, right. When I close it from the outside, then...then I very much am Stewart Pearson. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' So who are you at home? :'''Stewart:''' Uh, I'm a husband, I'm a -- pardon me, a lover, I'm a carpenter, I'm a cook, I'm a flautist. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' A... :'''Stewart:''' A flautist. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Right. :'''Stewart:''' I play the flute. And I dabble on the Irish bodhrán. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Um, and would you like to express any, uh, remorse for Mr. Tickel's death? What would you like to say to his family? :'''Stewart:''' Uh, I would like to offer them maximum respect, you know? And maximum remorse. And maximum assurance that Mr. Tickel did not die in vain. We're here. You know? How can we make the government and the media inclusive without being intrusive? Yeah? And if we can answer that, at least we can make sure that there are no more Mr. Tickels. ''(Stewart corrects himself)'' I mean--I mean that not in the sense of, you know, wiping out the Tickel family name. I mean it in the sense that nothing like this will ever happen again. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Hello, Mr. Pearson. Tab 28 in your bundle there, page 263. ''(Both turn to that page in their folders.)'' A paper that you presented in 2006, 'The Iconography of Consensus.' Would you care to summarize the argument you present there? :'''Stewart:''' Sure, yeah, the main thrust – :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Bearing in mind Lord Goolding's desire for plainness and clarity. :'''Stewart:''' Right. Okay. I, um, hypothesise that – Sorry. I ''say'' that the design structure for a parliamentary democracy should be that of the [[wikipedia:Centre_Georges_Pompidou|Pompidou Centre]]: Morally and structurally explicit and open, a porous membrane. :'''Lord Goolding:''' Maybe just a little bit plainer, Mr. Pearson? :'''Stewart:''' People should know, er, what politicians are doing. :'''Lord Goolding:''' Brilliant. :'''Stewart:''' Thanks. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Government should be porous? :'''Stewart:''' Yes. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' But not leaking. :'''Stewart:''' Come on, if someone is determined to leak information, there's nothing that anyone can do about that. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' So as Director of Communications, you are unable to prevent sensitive material being communicated to journalists? :'''Stewart:''' If someone chokes on a packet of crisps, do you issue an arrest warrant for [[wikipedia:Gary Lineker|Gary Lineker]]? :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Well, is it fair to say that you have in fact changed nothing, and government communications carries on exactly as they did before, by leaks and whispers? :'''Stewart:''' No, it is not fair to say that. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' In fact, because you disapprove and ''condemn'' these practices, are they not more covert and more hidden and more secret than ever before? :'''Stewart:''' I think that is-is also an unreasonable assertion. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' In spite of your desire to create a political Pompidou Centre, Mr. Pearson, haven't you created the opposite, [[wikipedia:Centre_Point|Centre Point]]? I mean, everybody sees it looming over them but nobody has the faintest idea what happens in there. :'''Stewart:''' ''(calmly, but sarcastically)'' I think there's some kind of club on the top floor. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' So, Mr. Pearson, have you identified the source of the leak of Mr. Tickel's records? :'''Stewart:''' No, no. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Have you ever leaked yourself? :'''Stewart:''' No. No, I was over that pre-Britpop. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Do you have any idea where the leak might have come from? :'''Stewart:''' Well, you know, if this was ''[[CSI: Miami]]'', I guess we'd be looking for the person who'd have most to gain from the leak being made public. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Well, despite your shirt, this isn't ''CSI: Miami''. Who do you think would benefit most from the leak? :'''Stewart:''' Well, I guess I'd be sending [[wikipedia:David_Caruso|David Caruso]] knocking on the door of Mr. Malcolm Tucker. <hr width="50%"/> :''(And now, Malcolm Tucker takes his turn with the Goolding Inquiry.)'' :'''Lord Goolding:''' Can I ask you, "How would you describe yourself?" :'''Malcolm:''' Uh, I'm, uh, a media strategist. :'''Lord Goolding:''' So you would be Stewart Pearson's opposite number? :'''Malcolm:''' Well, uh, I'd be Stewart Pearson's opposite in every possible way, I think. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' You have a lot of control and power over your party, don't you? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(laughs slightly)'' I wish, yes. Uh, no. I think that that's been overstated. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' So this reputation you have as an enforcer, that's completely misrepresenting you, is it? :'''Malcolm:''' It's baloney. Politicians who have to do things that they don't want to do, such as resign, uh...Because they've been caught with their fingers in the till, or, you know, with their knickers up a flagpole or whatever, they sometimes...It's very convenient for them to have a boogeyman. "Malcolm made me do it." Well, I didn't make them do it. These are people who just find themselves stuck in a room with one exit and I simply show them the door. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' I've highlighted some quotes: The ''Guardian'': 'Malcolm Tucker has the physical demeanour and the political instincts of a ''Velociraptor''.<nowiki/>' :'''Malcolm:''' Yes, the ''Guardian'', the newspaper that hates newspapers. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' ''Telegraph''. :'''Malcolm:''' The ''Telegr-arse''. :'''Baroness Sureka'''<nowiki/>''':''' 'Tucker's writ runs through the lifeblood of Westminster like ''r''<nowiki/>''aw alcohol'', at once cleansing and<nowiki/> corroding.' The ''Times'': 'If you<nowiki/> make eye contact with Malcolm Tucker, you have spilled his pint.' The ''Spectator'': '[[wikipedia:Iago|Iago]] with a BlackBerry'; I mean, you're saying these quotes are, what, misguided? :'''Malcolm:''' The ''Spect-hater''. Erm, no, I'm saying that you are not – you're taking these out of context, you're not contextualising these. If you were to<nowiki/> put them into a perspective, if you were to place them into the landscape, you would see that there might be a lot of axes being ground here. I don't see the difference between what you have just done and a leak, by the way. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Well, the difference is that what I've just read out was not obtained illegally. :'''Malcolm:''' How do you know that? You don't know <nowiki/>what confidences have been breached in order to form these ''opinions'', for that is what they are. :'''Ba'''<nowiki/>'''roness Sureka:''' So you accept leaking as part and parcel of the political media machinery? :'''Malcolm:''' Yes, I mean, if you didn't have leaking, the newspapers would just be full of long-lens bikini shots and adverts for sheds and offers to buy three pairs of trousers for a tenner, et cetera, it's just – it's the way it is. Big deal, no one dies. :'''Lord Goolding:''' One person ''did'' die, Mr. Tucker. :''(Malcolm simply gives a "so be it" look.)'' :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Would you tell us how it works? :'''Malcolm:''' You know, you do me a favor, I do you a favor, yeah? :'''Lord Goolding:''' And what might you expect in return? :'''Malcolm:''' Anything. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' What? :'''Malcolm:''' Well, a [[wikipedia:Kit Kat|Kit Kat]], you might get -- I've had a Kit Kat. I've had a, uh, a big meal. :'''Simon Weir:''' Well, I mean, could you give us an example of what you mean? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(going through his notes)'' Um...Well, yes. I...This is the ''Daily Mirror.'' And I could get drummed out of the Magic Circle for showing you this. Anyway, this is the ''Daily Mirror'' about the "Quiet Batpeople", uh, policy of, uh, Mrs. Nicola Murray. ''(Malcolm shows the inquiry committee a picture of the "Quiet Batpeople" headline.)'' I was there that day. You can't see me, because I've been cropped out here. But this information here, I made sure that those notes were in that place, that they were available, and that the picture editor, uh, knew where to find them. :'''Simon Weir:''' Sorry, I'm just trying to...trying to get this clear. Was Mrs. Murray not the subject of huge derision as a result of this? :'''Malcolm:''' Uh, no, she was a subject of huge derision before this. :''(Chuckles emanate from the gallery.)'' :'''Simon Weir:''' You were trying to undermine the leader of your party? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(putting away the picture)'' I was... :'''Simon Weir:''' Would you, would you say you were a loyal man, Mr. Tucker? :'''Malcolm:''' I'm loyal, yes. I'm loyal to my party. And, uh, I feel that Mrs. Murray's policies were turning the party into -- I don't know if you've seen those calendars that have got pictures of dogs that are dressed up, and they've got little dresses and hats on. She was turning my party into that, she was humiliating my party. So I thought it was absolutely vital to focus the public's attention onto that. :'''Simon Weir:''' And yet you maintain that you had great -- I don't know, what, respect for Mrs. Murray as a person. :'''Malcolm:''' Yes, she was a great laugh occasionally, great dancer, she's got terrific hair. She did a good job at DoSAC. A much better job than her successor, who, let's not forget, was playing on a slide when the news of Mr. Tickle's... :'''Simon Weir:''' Yeah, thank you. :'''Malcolm:''' ...death came out. :'''Simon Weir:''' Mr. Tucker, we're well-versed in the events surrounding the... :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. :'''Simon Weir:''' ...the death of Mr. Tickel. ''(beat)'' So, tell me, the PFI email that, uh, led to the, to the resignation of Nicola Murray. Did you, did you engineer that? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(takes a long pause...)'' No. No. ''(beat)'' No I didn't. :'''Simon Weir:''' And, uh, the leaking of Mr. Tickel's health records? Do I mean, do I detect your hand in-in that, for instance? :'''Malcolm:''' No no no no. Look, politics is a war. And politicians, sometimes they lose idealogical limbs, right? They get media shrapnel right in the face. Sometimes they get a bullet right in the brain. Civilians, no. There is no way that I would ever attack a civilian, a real person, and especially not somebody with a history of mental illness. Because ''that'' sort of thing -- makes me queasy. :'''Simon Weir:''' So you're a "ethical" leaker, if you will? :'''Malcolm:''' I use leaking to show up corruption, to show up hypocrisy, to show up idiocy, and also the fourth horseman of the political apocalypse, duplicity. For instance: Fergus Williams. He's coming up next, right? :'''Simon Weir:''' Mmm-hmm. :'''Malcolm:''' This is a guy, he's a member of the junior party in this coalition, right? This guy has already opened a private channel to Dan Miller, the Leader of the Opposition. In order to talk about possibly setting up a coalition with him, because he knows very well that this coalition government that he is lumbered with is being torn to pieces like a bread stick at a picnic. :'''Lord Goolding:''' ''(very upset)'' Mr. Tucker, you have just used this inquiry to commit a leak in front of us! :'''Malcolm:''' I have not committed a leak. Everybody in Westminster knows that these talks have taken place, everyone. You're supposed to be investigating this. You're supposed to be discovering this stuff. Now you cannot not know what I or anyone else tell you, right, you can't not know that. You cannot not know what you now know. :'''Lord Goolding:''' Mr. Tucker, are you familiar with the rules of association football? :'''Malcolm:''' Well, I understand that if you're gonna have an affair, you'd better take precautions, like getting a superinjuction. :'''Lord Goolding:''' ''(sternly)'' I ask you, because this is me giving you a yellow card. You are not to use this inquiry to score political points. :'''Malcolm:''' Sorry, I'm, I apologize. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Fergus Williams takes his turn giving testimony in front of the inquiry.)'' :'''Matthew Hodge:''' ''(to Fergus)'' Did you see Mr. Malcolm Tucker's evidence earlier? :'''Fergus:''' Uh, yeah, I-Uh, uh, I saw it out of the, out of the corner of my eye. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Would you like me to read what he said about you? :'''Fergus:''' Uh, no, that's fine, that was the bit that I saw. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Embarrassing, I imagine? :'''Fergus:''' ''(emabarrassed, but gathering himself)'' Uh, no, not at all. It was, um, almost, uh, flattering, yeah...uh, to get, uh, to get "Tuckered." It's a, it's a rite of passage in-in-in, in politics. Happens to all of us. It's, you know, it's like when you're in a Russian jail, you get your face tattooed. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Mr. Tucker mentioned meetings between you and the Leader of the Opposition. Did these take place? :'''Fergus:''' ''(after a pause)'' They did, yes. Er, myself and, uh, Adam were part of a team who had very general, noncommittal discussions with, amongst others, Mr. Miller. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' And you discussed a potential future coalition with his party and the removal of your own party leader, is that correct? :'''Fergus:''' ''(taken aback)'' Sorry, could I possibly answer that question with another question? I mean, not that question I'm just asking, but a further question? :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Go on. :'''Fergus:''' You do realise that ''you're'' being spun here, you do see that? :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Spun? :'''Fergus:''' 'Cause, you know, Malcolm Tucker's not your common or garden spin doctor, right? No, he's the-he's...he's the chief medical officer of spin – he is Spinoza, you see? So he, he didn't come here in order to answer your questions, he came here in order to get ''you'' to then ask ''his'' questions. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Yeah, right, Mr. Williams, I don't want you to answer a question with another question, I want you to answer it with an answer. :'''Fergus:''' I mean, he's conducting you like, um – Goldie. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Did you talk to Mr. Miller about removing your party leader? :'''Fergus:''' ''(in disbelief)'' Sorry, are you getting Tucker's questions sort of beamed straight into your brain? :'''Lord Goolding:''' ''(firmly)'' Mr. Williams. :''(A short time later...)'' :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Finally, um, on the subject of frustration, would you say it's difficult to steer policy ideas through your department? :'''Fergus:''' ''(stumbling in his testimony)'' Uh, yes, there are, uh...blockages. Uh, there is one person in particular and, well, you know, I don't want to identify her -- or him, if she was a man. Uh, but this particular person, uh, is rather inept and has hampered a lot of our initiatives. And she, or her, or him is, um...very difficult to remove. And so she's a, he is a...they are a stubborn blockage, shall we say, like, you know, when you get hair and soap in a-in a-in a plughole with skin flakes. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' ''(reassuring)'' Thank you. Thank you, Mr. Williams. That's, that's fine. :'''Fergus:''' Sorry, can I just say... :'''Lord Goolding:''' We are very pressed for time, I'm afraid. :'''Fergus:''' Yeah, but I really didn't want the last thing I said... :'''Lord Goolding:''' I'm sorry. :'''Fergus:''' ...to be "skin flakes." :'''Lord Goolding:''' Thank you. <hr width="50%"/> :''(And now, Peter Mannion is discussing Douglas Tickel with the Goolding Inquiry.)'' :'''Simon Weir:''' Uh, when did you first become aware of, uh, Mr. Tickel? :'''Peter:''' When he became the only, um, key worker to refuse our offer of alternative accommodation. Uh, then he sort of dropped off my radar. The next thing I knew he was sewing badges on his tent, and, uh, shouting abuse through a loud hailer. :'''Simon Weir:''' Did you ever feel yourself to be culpable in any way for his, for his homelessness? :'''Peter:''' Look, he-he was homeless only in the sense that he had no home, erm – ''(There are chuckles from the gallery. Peter briefly turns round to them.)'' No, no, a [[wikipedia:Housing_association|Housing Association]] flat was found, which he-he declined. The ''policy'' didn't make him homeless. :'''Lord Goolding:''' The policy of selling off the block of flats where he lived. :'''Peter:''' He made a positive decision to be homeless. It's the difference between being punched in the face and punching yourself in the face. :'''Simon Weir:''' Erm – Why do you think, to use your phrase, he, uh, he punched himself in the face? :'''Peter:''' ''(stammering)'' Why? Well, because he was mentally, er – because he, he, he had, er, mental issues. :'''Simon Weir:''' The email leaked to ''The Guardian,'' uh, which you'll find on pages, uh, 276 to 277 in the-in the evidence...uh, one of your advisers describes Mr. Tickel as, um, "fucking [[wikipedia:Florence Nightingale|Florence Shiteingale]]." Do you not feel that's, uh, a little callous? :'''Peter:''' (dismissively)'' This is-this is, er, rough-and-tumble office banter, er, schoolboy showers stuff. And-and-and schoolgirl showers. Not that -- I mean, not-not literally, but... :''(A few moments later...)'' :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Are you familiar with the phrase "data smuggling"? :'''Peter:''' Data what? :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Um, passing on data from a closed system to an unauthorised source in exchange for money. :'''Peter:''' Oh, yes, right. I see, well it seems everyone's at it. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Are you at it, Mr. Mannion? :'''Peter:''' ''(scoffing)'' No, I'm-I'm-I'm not very good with technology. Uh, the Paper Mate pen is still cutting edge technology as far as I'm concerned. Writes upside-down, you know. :''(Matthew Hodge wants to discuss Douglas Tickel's death with Peter.)'' :'''Matthew Hodge:''' You've told the inquiry that you didn't feel, uh, at all guilty over Mr. Tickel's death. :'''Peter:''' ''(getting defensive)'' Well, I-I-I felt ''bad.'' But-but not ''guilty.'' I-I didn't kill him. I-I've never killed anyone. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Well, no. I mean, noted, but I mean, do you think you could have made a difference, uh, if you had been contactable that day? :'''Peter:''' Why? He wasn't trying to call ''me'', I mean, I-I'm not the [[wikipedia:Samaritans_(charity)|Samaritans]]. In fact, um, uh, apparently, tonally, I-I have a very depressing voice. :''(But WAIT, Peter -- there's more questions!)'' :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Mr. Mannion, do you know Mr. Alistair Leyton, a senior executive at ''The Times''? :'''Peter:''' Yes. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Did you ring Mr. Leyton on the 25th of April to tell him that Mr. Tickel's medical records had been unlawfully obtained, and that this might form the basis of an explosive news story? :'''Peter:''' Did I, uh, ring him on that day, do you mean? I -- Well, I-I can't remember. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Well, did you ring him on any day telling him? :'''Peter:''' ''(trying to assert himself)'' Look, I came into politics to make a difference, to-to ''dare'', to-to get things done, not-not to ''leak'' things, or-or, or ''spin'' or, or ''blag'' or-or...''smuggle'', but-but to ''serve'' with honest, hard work, to ''do''. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' And did you do something? Did you contact your friend at ''The Times''? :'''Peter:''' No, I-I-I didn't do that. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Simon Weir:''' Perhaps we could start by just giving us an idea of what a special adviser does? :'''Emma:''' Erm, er, well, technically, essentially, we just advise a minister. Erm, sort of, media strategies, political strategies, that sort of thing. :'''Simon Weir:''' But you're not permanent members of the Civil Service? :'''Phil:''' Er, no, they're like the, er, the worker ants. We're more like, er – well, not the queens, that would be Peter Mannion and, to a lesser extent, Fergus Williams – we're more like the soldier ants that defend the queens. :'''Simon Weir:''' Would you like to add anything, Mr. Kenyon? :'''Adam:''' Yes, I'm not sure that the ant analogy helps, at all. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Mr. Smith, how would you characterise your relationship with Mr. Kenyon? :'''Phil:''' Well, I think, when you get two silverbacks like Adam and I in a room, there's always going to be a certain amount of chest-beating, but, erm, there's a mutual respect. :''(During Phil's answer, Adam embarrassingly puts his head in his hand.)'' :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Would you agree, Mr. Kenyon? :'''Adam:''' Yes. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Baroness Sureka:''' You yourselves were subject to a leak, weren't you, in the ''Guardian''? How did you feel about the email containing your thoughts about Mr. Tickel's death? :'''Adam:''' Erm, it was shameful, and it was insensitive – :'''Emma:''' Absolutely. :'''Adam:''' – and we would like to apologise for that. It's dreadful. :'''Emma:''' I agree, ''(points to Adam and Phil)'' I mean, their comments were absolutely... unforgivable, mortifying. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' ''(reading)'' 'How many Mr. Tickles does it take to [[wikipedia:Lightbulb_joke|change a light bulb]]? He doesn't have a light bulb, he's in a tent.' 'How do you turn Mr. Tickle into Mr. Happy? [[wikipedia:Lithium_(medication)|Lithium]].' 'What's the difference between Mr. Tickle and [[wikipedia:Lawrence_Oates|Captain Oates]]? Captain Oates has a less stupid name.' Erm, and one I feel that is particularly cruel, Miss Messinger, given Mr. Tickel's mental health issues: 'The fucker's a nutbag'. :'''Emma:''' I'm sor-– It-– That is not okay. Sorry. :'''Phil:''' If I could add a ''mea culpa'' here rather than dancing around it? Others may choose to attempt to wriggle off the hook of shame, but, um, I cannot, I cannot deny that my name is on those emails, and yet I do not recognise that man. It is me, and yet, it is another, and for that I am truly sorry. This has been a humbling moment in my quest to become the man I know I can be. <hr width="50%" /> :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Very good to see you this morning, Infamous Terri Coverley. ''(Terri laughs.)'' Why are you smiling? :'''Terri:''' I'm not smiling. Or rather, I'm smiling, but it's something I do when I'm nervous, erm – :'''Matthew Hodge:''' You have a guilty conscience? :'''Terri:''' No no, no no. No, I don't have a guilty conscience but I do have a guilty face, erm – I do blush a lot and that's a circulation thing, not a moral thing, though I do ''act'' guilty, erm – When I was a child, erm, my brother's hamster was put into a remote control aeroplane, tragic consequences, and, erm, unfortunately I was blamed for that, although I had nothing to do with it, it was that I just looked guilty, so I would ask you to bear that in mind. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Can you explain to us how communications works in government? :'''Terri:''' Well, erm, I use an analogy. Erm, I like to think that dealing with the press is not so much herding ''cats'', it's more herding sheep, and I am the shepherdess, erm, if you like, it's – In order to be an efficient shepherdess, one needs a number of things, I mean – Firstly, one needs a whistle. That's my voice. Secondly, one needs a coat, and that's my coat. And thirdly, one needs a dog, and that in my case is a lady called Robyn.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Simon Weir:''' Would you say that there is a culture of bullying within DoSAC? If I could ask you first, Ms Murdoch. :'''Robyn:''' Erm, I'd say there was a culture of bullying ''me'' at DoSAC. :'''Simon Weir:''' You've experienced bullying there? :'''Robyn:''' Well, you know, I see them all standing around, you know, chattering like squirrels on Red Bull, and when I ask them what they're talking about, they usually bark a tea order at me; or, you know, or call me, er, the blonde bombshite, if I can use that word, or some other horrible sweary thing. :'''Simon Weir:''' That's the form the bullying takes? :'''Robyn:''' And if you refuse to make your boss's tea, you know, they call you [[wikipedia:Mariella_Frostrup|Mariella Shitstrop]]. Or [[wikipedia:Nancy_Sinatra|Flouncy Sinatra]], which doesn't even really work! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Ollie Reeder is ready to deliver his testimony in the inquiry, but first, Lord Goolding makes an important announcement.)'' :'''Lord Goolding:''' As you can see, Baroness Sureka is not with us and will remain absent while she deals with the personal allegations published in ''The Sunday Times.'' This in no way invalidates this inquiry, nor does it compromise the integrity of any questioning conducted by Baroness Sureka. Mr. Hodge. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Thank you. ''(to Ollie)'' Uh, Oliver Reeder, you were a senior adviser to Nicola Murray during her time as Secretary of State at DoSAC. :'''Ollie:''' Yup. I was, uh, ''the'' senior adviser. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Very good, and when Ms. Murray became Leader of the Opposition, uh, you were also one of her senior advisers? :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, again, ''the,'' the senior adviser, yeah. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' I see, and now you're a senior adviser to Mr. Dan Miller? :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, yeah, a slightly less pivotal role with, with Dan, but part of this, kind of, a larger pivot, really. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Mmm-hmm, thank you. Uh, Mr. Reeder, they say that in politics, knowledge is power. :'''Ollie:''' True, yes. Although that doesn't mean that Carol Vorderman should be, uh, Prime Minister. Er...Or I should've, or maybe I should say Stephen Fry, 'cause Carol's just maths, but yeah. :'''Simon Weir:''' You've known, um, Malcolm Tucker for, for, for some years now. :'''Ollie:''' Yes I have, yes. :'''Simon Weir:''' He seems like, uh, an intimidating person. Is he? :'''Ollie:''' Uh, well, I mean, not, not to me. :'''Simon Weir:''' No? :'''Ollie:''' No. Uh, no. Uh, no, although he doesn't, he doesn't suffer fools gladly, I think that's fair to say. Or clever people, to be honest. :'''Simon Weir:''' So he's never, uh, bullied you? :'''Ollie:''' ''(smiling)'' Well, do I-do I look like I could be bullied by Mr. Tucker? I...No. :'''Simon Weir:''' Could you turn to Tab 9? You'll find it in your, in your folder there. Yeah. Um, we have some, uh, some quotes here: Some, uh, evidence of-from several civil servants who all independently suggest that, uh, Mr. Tucker, in fact, regularly ''did'' bully you. 'Mr. Tucker threatened to remove Mr. Reeder's appendix, throw away Mr. Reeder, and appoint the useless flap of colon as special adviser.' :'''Ollie:''' Yeah. Well that's – yes. ''(laughs)'' That's banter. :'''Simon Weir:''' 'Mr. Tucker told Mr. Reeder that he would have him smothered, eviscerated, stuffed, ''(Ollie laughs)'' fitted with wheels, and donated to an orphanage.' :'''Ollie:''' That's, what – 'Cause this is out of context, what you don't have there is my reply. And so, you know, it's just him. :'''Simon Weir:''' And what was that? :'''Ollie:''' Er – Well, I don't remember what it was on this occasion, but it would have been a, you know, it would have been a zinger, because I gave as good as I got, so... :'''Simon Weir:''' Very good. :'''Ollie:''' So it's not bullying. :'''Simon Weir:''' Is there anything about the leaking of the so-called, uh, PFI email that you feel that this inquiry should, should be aware of? :'''Ollie:''' Oh God, um...I mean, I'm...I mean, to be brutally frank, I'm struggling to remember here, but... :'''Simon Weir:''' Well, please take your time. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, of course. :'''Simon Weir:''' There's no hurry. :'''Ollie:''' Of course, yeah. I mean, I think, you know, what you have to remember in this instance is that on the day that all of that stuff took place, um, I was in hospital. So I'm, you know, I was cut off, essentially. I didn't have a phone... :'''Simon Weir:''' I mean, I hadn't mentioned, uh, the use of a phone, I mean... :'''Ollie:''' Yes, no, I know. I'm simply saying I was... :'''Simon Weir:''' You weren't working remotely from the hospital? :'''Ollie:''' ''(stammering)'' No, no, not remotely. Um, uh...In-in-in either sense. No. :'''Simon Weir:''' Did you have any visitors? :'''Ollie:''' Erm... :'''Simon Weir:''' You must be able to remember that. :''(Ollie's still drawing a blank.)'' :'''Lord Goolding:''' Well, if you're not completely sure, Mr. Reeder, we can always check with the visitors' records. :'''Ollie:''' Well, don't -- let's not do that, um, let's not do that for the moment. Let me just...just give-bear with me. Er...but I...did, yes. I think I was visited by, um, by colleagues from the office. :'''Lord Goolding:''' Can you give us a name? :'''Ollie:''' Um...Uh, Malcolm is a name, is, um...is his name. Malcolm's name. Malcolm. Malcolm Tucker visited me. :'''Simon Weir:''' Um, I'm assuming this wasn't a social visit. What did, uh...What did he want? What did Mr. Tucker want? :'''Ollie:''' ''(getting anxious again)'' He wanted to...Wait, okay...I mean, I'm really-I'm -- I'm anxious, I'm keen, I'm trying my best to answer your, uh, questions truthfully, but... :'''Simon Weir:''' I should remind you you are under oath, Mr. -- :'''Ollie:''' Absolutely, yes, I'm under oath, so this is...But, but...uh, what you have to understand is everybody has something on everyone here, right? So in this circumstance, if you inadvertently say or do something, um, uh, you know, that you shouldn't, then that's it. That's it, that's it. It's done. Your career is done. You know, look what happened to, um, a member of this inquiry, right? So you have to... :'''Lord Goolding:''' Mr. Reeder, this is not the place to discuss those allegations. :'''Ollie:''' No, of course, of course. :'''Simon Weir:''' Mr. Reeder, if you feel -- You feel under pressure, am I right? Is that because of something that you know? :'''Ollie:''' ''(still stammering)'' Yes. Well, no. Uh -- General pressure, I feel under a sort of -- Just that, it's the jitters of work. :'''Lord Goolding:''' Who leaked the email, Mr. Reeder? :'''Ollie:''' Glenn Cullen. Er, he was in DoSAC at the time and he, uh, still had access to the email and he hated his life. And he, he, you know, he hated Nicola Murray because she'd previously destroyed his chances of standing as an MP. :'''Lord Goolding:''' Most helpful, Glenn Cullen is our next witness. Most interesting, thank you. :'''Ollie:''' Oh, well, okay. :'''Lord Goolding:''' That's fine, thank you. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Baroness Sureka has successfully returned to the inquiry, and Glenn Cullen is ready to give his testimony.)'' :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Mr. Cullen. I wonder if I could start by taking you back to that time two years ago, you left Nicola Murray and you went to work for Fergus Williams. :'''Glenn:''' Yes, yes I did, that's right. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' And then you found yourself, um, in a coalition with the very party that you opposed. That must have been extremely distressing. :'''Glenn:''' Uh, no, not at all, as a matter of fact. I-I was very invigorated by the idea of, uh, trying to forge a new way in politics. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Mmm-hmm, so all was rosy? :'''Glenn:''' Well, um -- I can't think of any negatives. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' No friction? :'''Glenn:''' No, the only "F" word was "Fun." :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Thank you, Mr. Cullen. Thank you. :'''Simon Weir:''' Uh, Mr. Cullen, would you say there's a culture of leaking in the government? :'''Glenn:''' Yes, I would. Yes, leaking and lying. :'''Simon Weir:''' To your knowledge, have any of your colleagues lied to this inquiry? :'''Glenn:''' Well, I mean, that's a bit like asking, you know, um -- "Does a cow drink milk?" :'''Simon Weir:''' Does it? :'''Glenn:''' Probably. But what I meant to say was, yes, um, my colleagues lie constantly. It's a...professional necessity. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Have you ever leaked, Mr. Cullen? :'''Glenn:''' First of all, may I just say, uh, welcome back, Baroness Sureka. Big hugs. I'm sure I speak for everyone here when I say that we're all thinking of you... :'''Baroness Sureka:''' I'd rather you, um, swapped the ham-fisted flattery for actually answering my question, which was, "Have you ever leaked?" :'''Glenn:''' Right. No, it's a very simple question and it's got a very simple answer. No, I haven't. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Um, you'll be aware of Ollie Reeder's testimony to the inquiry where he said that, uh, you were, in fact, responsible for the PFI leak. :'''Glenn:''' Yes I am. ''(Glenn quickly corrects himself.)'' By which I mean to say I am aware of, of that. But gosh, you've got to be careful what you say here, haven't you? :'''Matthew Hodge:''' You most certainly do, Mr. Cullen. Let's hope we're both up to it. Is there any truth at all to Mr. Reeder's accusations? :'''Glenn:''' Absolutely none whatsoever. He's talking out of hi -- Out of his other cheeks, if you... :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Why would Oliver Reeder suggest that you were behind the PFI email leak, then? :'''Glenn:''' I've absolutely no idea. It's very difficult for me to get into the mindset of somebody so entirely self-serving and, um...spiritually ugly. I mean, anyone who's been unfortunate enough to have come across Ollie Reeder will know that he is a genuinely...atrocious person. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Do you believe Mr. Reeder was trying to cover himself, in that case? :'''Glenn:''' Well, I do believe he has the emotional tools for the task. Yes, certainly. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Do you believe that Ollie Reeder was behind the leak? :'''Glenn:''' ''(after a long pause...)'' No. You see...a-a leak of this magnitude would require one essential item that Ollie lacks. And that's a spine. He is a man without a spine. He is a man-worm. He's a writhing mollusk without any strategies or convictions. He-he simply slimes his way into the nearest crack every night, and I would like to put on record that I apologize to this committee for being the man who brought him into the world of politics. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lord Goolding:''' Thank you for returning to this inquiry, Mr. Tucker. :'''Malcolm:''' That's no problem. I had a hair appointment, but I think they can fit me in next week. :'''Lord Goolding:''' There's no need to be so flippant about this inquiry. :'''Malcolm:''' Well, it's just, you know, you keep asking me the same questions, I can't really help it if you don't like the answers. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Maybe you can try a little harder in answering. I'm amazed you stayed at the top of politics for quite so long with such apparently poor powers of recall. :'''Malcolm:''' Well, maybe it's my age – it's good to see you back, by the way. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Thank you, nice to see you too. :'''Lord Goolding:''' At your last appearance at this inquiry, you admitted that you have leaked, is that correct? :'''Malcolm:''' Well, everyone leaks: many many people who have appeared here in front of you have leaked, but they've just lied about it to you. :'''Simon Weir:''' Mr. Tucker, that's an incredibly serious charge; do you have any evidence to substantiate that allegation? :'''Malcolm:''' Will you forgive me if I don't do your job for you? Because if you can't spot a sprayed-on halo of someone doing a "what, me guv?" panto act, then maybe you shouldn't be sitting behind that desk. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' At your last appearance we asked you very specifically how you came by Mr. Tickel's NHS number and National Insurance number, and you could not recall. Have you had any more time to think about it? :'''Malcolm:''' Yes, I have. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' And could you tell us any more? :'''Malcolm:''' No. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' You've got no recollection at all? :'''Malcolm:''' No. And by the way, you should not be talking to me about this because you've been a victim of leaking, a very unfortunate victim, and I have every sympathy with you, but how can you possibly give me a fair hearing when you've been a victim of the very crime that you are accusing me of? You are prejudiced; this entire inquiry, therefore, is prejudiced. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' I can see what you're doing, it smacks of desperation and it will not work. :'''Malcolm:''' Does it? No, listen, there you go again, see, that's you, you're just rushing to judgement. You are totally discredited here. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' I am obliged to remind you, Mr. Tucker, that you are under oath, and if you lie to this inquiry, it may result in a criminal prosecution. :'''Malcolm:''' Sorry, please don't insult my intelligence by acting as if you're all so naive that you don't know how this all works. Everybody in this room has bent the rules to get in here, because you don't get in this room without bending the rules. You don't get to where ''you'' are without bending the rules, that's the way it is. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Mr. Tucker, I am going to give you one more chance to respond to my question. How did you acquire Mr. Tickel's NHS number and his National Insurance number? :'''Malcolm:''' Who said I acquired it? :'''Baroness Sureka:''' A photograph. :'''Malcolm:''' No no, the photograph shows me holding it. It doesn't show me acquiring it. You'd have to ask the person that gave me the folder. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Who gave you the folder? :'''Malcolm:''' I don't remember. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' You are being deliberately evasive. :'''Malcolm:''' ... I – I don't recall, you know, I don't know, I can't remember. :'''Lord Goolding:''' Very well. Regardless of how you came by Mr. Tickel's mental health records, did you then leak them to the media? :'''Malcolm:''' I can't recall. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' So that's not a denial? :'''Malcolm:''' ''Je ne remember rien.'' :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Well, if you can't recall, it leaves open the possibility that you did leak them. :'''Malcolm:''' Let me tell you this. The whole planet's leaking, everybody is leaking! You know? Everyone's spewing up their guts onto the internet, putting up their relationship status and photos of their [[wikipedia:Vajazzle|vajazzles]]! We've come to a point where there are people, ''millions'' of people, who are quite happy to trade a kidney in order to go on television! And to show people their knickers, to show people their skid marks, and then complain to ''[[wikipedia:OK!|OK!]]'' magazine about a breach of privacy! The exchange of private information – that is what drives our economy. But, you come after me because you can't arrest a landmass, can you? You can't cuff a country. You might as well just go and – you can't lynch that guy there, can you? But you decide that you can sit there, you can judge and you can ogle me like a [[wikipedia:Page_3|Page 3]] girl. You don't like it? Well, you don't like yourself. You don't like your species, and you know what? Neither do I, but how ''dare'' you come and lay this at my door! How ''dare'' you blame ME -- for THIS! Which is the result of a political class, which has given up on morality and simply pursues popularity at all costs. I am you and you are me. :'''Lord Goolding:''' Are you finished? :'''Malcolm:''' Ah, I'm finished anyway. You didn't finish me. :'''Lord Goolding:''' Would you like to stand down? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(getting up and walking out)'' Thanks, m'Lord.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Simon Weir:''' Although you did previously describe yourself as a shepherdess. ''(Robyn laughs)'' Now, did you have something to add to that? :'''Robyn:''' I just – Shepherdess, did she say – ''(to Terri)'' Did you say shepherdess? :'''Terri:''' Yes, I was giving an analogy – I mean, to be fair, erm, perhaps it would have been more accurate for me to describe myself as a sheep in shepherdess's clothing. Do you follow? :'''Simon Weir:''' Er, no, not completely, no. :'''Robyn:''' The shepherdess analogy's floored him.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Your own privacy is important to you. :'''Stewart:''' Yeah, absolutely, I have a meditation room at home. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Well, you know, I think we all have one of those at home. :''(all chuckle)'' :'''Stewart:''' Oh, right, er – do you mean a toilet? Yeah, 'cause I'm talking about a dedicated meditation room. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' I see. :'''Stewart:''' Although it did actually use to be a toilet, it made it easier to plumb in the waterfall.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Matthew Hodge:''' In less figurative terms, what is the nature of your job? :'''Terri:''' Well, I don't like to toot my own trumpet, as they say, but I like to think of myself as God: erm, I fashion DoSAC in mine own image, er, to quote the Bible. ''(looks for the Bible on her desk)'' Erm, that's in the Bible, isn't it? :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Sorry, what exactly do you mean? :'''Lord Goolding:''' I'm not sure I follow you. :'''Terri:''' Oh, well I'm – Sorry. Erm, I'm a translator. Um, I translate, from the outside world, things that come into the department, and vice versa. :'''Lord Goolding:''' So are you saying you change what you hear? You manipulate? :'''Terri:''' No no no, it's a bit, erm – ''[[wikipedia:Songs_of_Praise|Songs of Praise]]''. There's a deaf and dumb lady doing deaf and dumb language. :'''Lord Goolding:''' Sign language? :'''Terri:''' Yes, well it's like that, I take the ugly words, and I translate them, as it were, into a beautiful gesture. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' If I'm to understand you correctly, you stop information going to and from your department, and you change what that information is. :'''Terri:''' No no no, I ''didn't'', I didn't say that – :'''Matthew Hodge:''' No, on the contrary, you ''did'' say that. :'''Terri:''' No, er –<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Lord Goolding:''' You can understand how suspicion might fall upon you, given your antipathy to Mrs. Murray as a leader. :'''Malcolm:''' Nicola's real name is 'If Wet Nicola Murray'; if she worked for the West End, her name would always be preceded by the words, 'Tonight the role of Mary Poppins will be taken by' Nicola Murray. Because she's basically an understudy who got lucky, she got on, she got to play the lead. But she wet herself, she was too frightened, and she went home crying, you know; it happens. ==Series 4, Episode 7== :''(In this scene, the phone in Peter's office keeps running, and he keeps picking up the phone -- only to hang up without really answering. While he's doing this, Phil enters Peter's office.)'' :'''Peter:''' Look, Phil. Every petty criminal in the country is in a holding pattern, because that barrel of cocks at the Home Office can't process their arrests quick enough. ''(Peter disconnects his phone.)'' So why am I the one who has to gimp himself out all day to Martha Kearney and Eddie Mair? :'''Phil:''' Because since the inquiry, DoSAC looks toxic and weak, and they're just trying to pile all the government's ills on top of us. :'''Peter:''' Who's fault's that, Phil? :'''Phil:''' I've said I'm sorry about the inquiry, okay? I started writing you a letter but it just seemed pretentious. Look, if it's any consolation, I haven't felt that humiliated since my trunks fell down at the school [[wikipedia:Swimming_gala|swimming gala]]. :'''Peter:''' It's of absolutely no consolation to think of you naked in front of 500 boys. :'''Emma:''' ''(walking in, on her phone)'' Yeah, absolutely, Trevor. OK, yeah, drinks soon. Yeah, you too. OK, bye. ''(hangs up)'' Oh, God! I just felt my ovaries cringe. I'm trying to flirt our way out of this police backlog.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Phil:''' I thought we weren't talking to [[wikipedia:The_Proclaimers|The Proclaimers]]. :'''Peter:''' We have to play happy families for Mary, pretend I don't actually want to strangle Fergus's bollocks so they look like glacé cherries. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Emma:''' You are telling me that you have been running parts of this country, Terri. What the fuck are you trying to do, [[wikipedia:2012_phenomenon|prove the Mayans right]]? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' Meanwhile, an unarrested feral underclass has gone [[wikipedia:Mad_Max_(franchise)|Mad Max]], and police station waiting rooms are heaving like the hedgehog carvery at a gypsy wedding.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Stewart:''' Ah, Peter. This ''[[Wars of the Roses|War of the Roses]]'' with the Home Office? It ends now. We want a united realm. There's no vision in division. :'''Peter:''' Well, yes there is; ''(looks to Fergus's office)'' anyway, tell [[wikipedia:Perkin_Warbeck|Perkin Warbeck]] over there. :'''Stewart:''' OK people, could we briefly form a coherent group? :'''Terri:''' Mary Drake is in the building, she's on her way up. :'''Stewart:''' OK...Shields up, guys; Centurions, we're forming a [[wikipedia:Testudo_formation|tortoise]]. :''(Adam approaches Terri, and he's holding a ThinkSocially pamphlet in his hand.)'' :'''Adam:''' ''(to Terri)'' Okay. Terri, ThinkSocially. Did I sign off on this? Because I hadn't heard of ThinkSocially until I said it just then. :'''Terri:''' Okay, uh... :'''Adam:''' So what is it? :'''Terri:''' Simple explanation. :'''Adam:''' Love to hear it. :''(But as Terri gets ready to explain, Mary Drake from the Home Office has arrived at DoSAC...and she's not happy.)'' :'''Peter:''' ''(moaning)'' Oh, God. Here-Here's Mary. Bunch up, everyone, so she doesn't see the corpses. :''(Peter then hides in his office.)'' :'''Emma:''' Look, synchronize lies, all right? ''(Emma approaches Mary and shakes her hand.)'' Mary, hi. Hi, Emma, we met at the away day. I so enjoyed our, our mood play. :'''Mary:''' Yes, you actually did, didn't you? ''(to Terri)'' Oh, you must be the legendary Terri. ''(Mary shakes Terri's hand)'' I've heard a great deal about you. :'''Terri:''' Oh, oh, please, don't, uh, don't believe everything that you hear. :'''Mary:''' ''(sharply)'' I fully intend not to. ''(to Stewart)'' Stewart. Chakras balanced? :'''Fergus:''' Uh, sorry. Tiny bit of, uh, housekeeping. ''(to Terri)'' Terri, um, uh, ThinkSocially? Uh, just checking in on that. :'''Terri:''' Yes. Yes, it's a go thing. Double-stamped, yes. :''(Peter emerges from his office and greets Mary with an uneasy smile.)'' :'''Peter:''' Mary! Great to see you again. :'''Mary:''' ''(flatly)'' I'm here in an angry capacity. :'''Peter:''' Ah! The cream in our coffee, Mary. :'''Mary:''' ''(to all)'' The message from the Home Office is this: Move away from the backlog. There's nothing to see. Let the police do their jobs, let us do ours. :'''Fergus:''' Sorry to be, uh, ''contrary,'' Mary, but Peter and I have just been discussing this very issue. :'''Mary:''' Shut up! Let me tell you something now: DoSAC is one rat's whisker away from being shut down and subsumed by the Home Office, and put in charge of cocking up the tea run! And I like mine weak, and white. Like my men. ''(leaves)'' :'''Peter:''' Stewart, any thoughts from within your fucking dream yurt? :'''Stewart:''' I will go and try and de-frag this situation, but I am staying strictly macro. ''(leaves)'' :'''Adam:''' Subtitles, you need subtitles! :'''Fergus:''' ''(to Terri)'' Sorry, erm, ThinkSocially. Terri, would you mind explaining ''rationally'' why I appear to be giving a ringing endorsement to a piece of shit that I've never even heard of? :'''Terri:''' It's not my fault, it's the-it's the double-stamping nonsense, that's the reason. :'''Adam:''' Oh, really? Because right now, I want to double-stamp on your fucking throat. :'''Terri:''' I'm gonna take that seriously as a physical threat! :'''Adam:''' You know, one of the many many things that baffles me about you is you remain unmurdered! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Ollie is entering Malcolm's office.)'' :'''Ollie:''' M. Tucker. :'''Malcolm:''' Ollie. Um...We need to have a little chat. :'''Ollie:''' You're not splitting up with me, are you? Because I'm pregnant and it's quads, so, you know...You're not laughing. :'''Malcolm:''' Well, I'm laughing on the inside. Which is a tad ironic, because I'm leaving here in five minutes to get arrested. :'''Ollie:''' Hang on. Sorry...Uh, you're gonna be arrested at the exact same time that Dan Miller's doing his Lewisham walkabout? :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. But I'm going to Brentford where nobody will be watching me, because they'll all be with him. :'''Ollie:''' So, the Leader of the Opposition is going to be filmed at a police station at the exact moment that his Head of Communications is being arrested. Yes, okay, great, great, so that's a sack full of face-chewing rats, thank you very much. :'''Malcolm:''' Look, it's – This is what you have to deal with, right? It's just another day at the fuck office. :'''Ollie:''' So now I have to step into your shoes, but ''after'' you've shat in them. :'''Malcolm:''' Ollie, look at me! I'm not pulling anything out of a magic hat. The rabbits are falling to pieces, their fucking heads are coming off and frightening the kids. So somebody else is going to have to help out. :'''Ollie:''' Well, who says I even want to be you, Malcolm? Who says that? :'''Malcolm:''' Nobody says that. Except every screaming atom of that etiolated stick of fuck you call a body says that. Every fibre of your being, every stamen...says that. But you are not me, Ollie. :'''Ollie:''' No. :'''Malcolm:''' And you never will be me. I knew Malcolm F. Tucker, sir...and you are no Malcolm Fucking Tucker. You're not even fucking Manchester's top Malcolm Tucker tribute band. And trying to be me? ''You?!'' Trying to be me will fucking kill you. I give you 18 months before you're a washed out, weeping, alcoholic. With no fucking bladder control. Sleeping on your brother-in-law's sofa. :'''Ollie:''' And so on, and so on. It doesn't have to be like that, now, Malcolm. Politics has actually changed, right? :'''Malcolm:''' Oh? :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, yeah! Yeah, and you probably haven't noticed because you've been on transmit for the last fucking eight years: "Wah wah wah wah wah!" And whilst you've been doing that, everybody else has been changing, and it's all a bit softcore now, it's all about algorithms now. You don't have to be Malcolm Tucker to sit in that chair. :'''Malcolm:''' Oh, how quickly they grow up. You fucking think you know me? :'''Ollie:''' Well, yeah. Yeah, I know you. :'''Malcolm:''' You know [[wikipedia:Jackie Chan|Jackie fucking Chan]] about me. YOU KNOW FUCK ALL ABOUT ME! ''I'' am totally beyond the realms of your fucking tousle-haired, fucking dimwitted compre-fucking-hension! I don’t just take this fucking job home, you know. I take this job home, it fucking ties me to the bed, and it fucking fucks me from arsehole to breakfast. Then it wakes me up in the morning with a cup full of ''piss'' slung in my face, slaps me about the chops, to make sure I’m awake enough so it can kick me in the fucking bollocks! This job has taken me in every hole in my fucking body! MALCOLM IS GONE, you can't know Malcolm, 'cause Malcolm is not here! Malcolm fucking left the building fucking years ago! This is a fucking husk! I am a fucking host for this fucking job! Do you want this job? :'''Ollie:''' ... Yes. :'''Malcolm:''' Yes! You ''do'' fucking want this job! Then you're gonna have to fucking swallow this whole fucking life and let it grow inside you like a parasite, getting bigger and bigger and bigger until it fucking eats your insides alive and it stares out of your eyes and tells you what to do! :'''Ollie:''' Malcolm, this sounds like the fucking video you leave on YouTube after you've blown your brains out! :'''Malcolm:''' I'm as dead as fucking [[wikipedia:Two-tone_(music_genre)|two-tone]]. But I can fashion my own exit. :'''Ollie:''' Oh, Christ. What, are you gonna [[wikipedia:Suicide_tourism#Switzerland|fly to Switzerland]] and have a wank off a nurse and a bye-bye pill, are you? :'''Malcolm:''' Funny, funny man. Political exit. :'''Ollie:''' No, I know. :'''Malcolm:''' I'm gonna leave the stage with my head held fucking high, right? What you're going to see is a masterclass in fucking dignity, son. The audience will be on their feet. "There he goes," they'll say. "No friends - no real friends - no children, no glory, no memoirs." ... Well, fuck them. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Nicola has discovered that Declan, the journalist due to interview her, is the man behind 'Mr Chop'!)'' :'''Nicola:''' I am, uh...ever so close to being on the verge of bawling my fucking eyes out' disappointed about this. I mean, this was it, was it? What was the alternative, going on Strictly Come Dancing and doing a fucking hooky waltz with [[wikipedia:Abu_Hamza_al-Masri|Abu Hamza]]? This is pretty low. This is lower than my mother's pelvic floor, Helen. :'''Helen:''' I had to virtually go on the game to get you this. So, frankly, I don't care whether he wants to roll around in applesauce with you. Get in there and do as you're told. :'''Nicola:''' ''(taking a breath)'' Right. I will go, because I'm choosing to go in. But I just need you to know for the record... :'''Helen:''' Just get in there before I push you in. <hr width="50%"/> :''(At [[wikipedia:Lewisham|Lewisham]] Police Station, where private contractors have reduced the arrest backlog.)'' :'''Dan:''' Ollie, what the fuck are we doing here? Everything's fine. I'm like lube at a funeral. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah. I can't believe it but DoSAC have actually turned this around, they've [[wikipedia:Apollo_13|Apollo 13]]'d it. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm and his lawyer are trying to get out of [[wikipedia:Brentford|Brentford]] Police Station. They come across a policeman escorting a prisoner.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' 'Scuse me, is there another way out of here? :'''Prisoner:''' You could hang yourself. :'''Malcolm:''' Fuck off! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm and his lawyer are running away from reporters to their taxi, but it drives off)'' :'''Malcolm:''' HEY! GET THE FUCK BACK HERE! ''(the taxi stops and they get in)'' Jesus Christ! Go! Go go go! ''(the taxi drives off)'' You fucking drive off like that again, and I'll stick your meter so far down your throat you'll be able to tell the price of your next ''shit''. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Glenn:''' Come out, everyone! Tally-ho, yoo-hoo! Come on, bring out your fucking dead! Right, everybody listen, I've got an announcement to make, erm... :'''Phil:''' What is it, you got an erection? :'''Glenn:''' No. I would like to tell you all that I'm resigning! :'''Phil:''' Is that it? :'''Glenn:''' No, you closeted [[wikipedia:Regency_era|Regency]] homosexual, that is not it. Morally, this department is in the gutter! :'''Fergus:''' Thanks for the speech, Glenn, but we have work – :'''Glenn:''' ''(grabs a desktop lamp)'' YOU STAY AND TAKE YOUR PUNISHMENT! I will lamp you, with a lamp! :'''Terri:''' Glenn, you've gone a tiny bit psychotic, my love. :'''Glenn:''' ''(puts down the lamp)'' You, Fergus, when you asked me to join you, all you had was your principles, but over the last two years, you've bent like a human fucking palm tree, swaying to the guff of these six-toed born-to-rule pony-fuckers. :'''Adam:''' If you're gonna go, just go. Spare us this [[Network (film)|Peter Finch bullshit]]. :'''Glenn:''' Oh! Adam, you're waiting for your turn! Oh no! I remember, it's your turn right now! :'''Adam:''' Brilliant. Bring it. :'''Glenn:''' You are simply the most loathsome human being I have ever met. :'''Adam:''' Yep. :'''Glenn:''' You were so well-suited at the ''Mail'', it's a shame you came over here! :'''Emma:''' Hear, hear! ''(she and Phil clap)'' :'''Glenn:''' Do you know what? I hate you both: [[wikipedia:Tweedledum_and_Tweedledee|Tweedle-twat and Tweedle-prick]]! You contribute absolutely ''nothing'' to the world, so thank fucking God you have ''no power!'' :'''Fergus:''' Er, we do actually, it's – :'''Glenn:''' No, you don't. And Peter: it's been dreadful. I hope your cock falls off. Phil, do you know what you are? You're like an eight-year-old trapped in a twelve-year-old's body. :'''Phil:''' ''(gleefully)'' This is great! Why isn't anyone filming this? :'''Glenn:''' And Emma. :'''Phil:''' Yeah, yeah, do Emma, do Emma! :'''Glenn:''' Yeah, Emma, I'm sorry, you're just a standard-issue insipid posh bitch. That's it! Terri? ''(takes a pair of scissors)'' :'''Phil:''' Oh, whoa, whoa. :'''Glenn:''' I don't think I've ever met anyone quite so proud, and yet quite so useless. But I do have to thank you, ''(takes his pass and cuts it up)'' because I have managed to stay in shape, purely though the energy I spend in pitying you every day! :'''Terri:''' Glenn, you're just embarrassing yourself. :'''Glenn:''' Fuck you all up the wrong 'un! Ta ta! Bye bye! ''(leaves)'' :'''Phil:''' That was better than IMAX ''[[Inception (film)|Inception]]''. :'''Emma:''' Poor, poor Glenn! :'''Peter:''' Should we try and get him back? :'''Emma:''' Fuck, no. He's gone completely mental! :'''Adam:''' He's gone Glenn-tal. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm's last line)'' :'''Malcolm:''' I want to say something. I want to say something! ''(long silence)'' It doesn't matter. <hr width="50%"/> :''(As the Team DoSAC Coalition is celebrating Malcolm's arrest -- with some booze, no less -- Mary Drake returns with some big news.)'' :'''Mary:''' ''(to Peter)'' Drinking on the job, Peter? Why not? You've already got the efficiency of a man who's half cut. :'''Peter:''' Oh, then I must have dreamt that, uh, my idea had ''successfully reduced the arrest backlog?'' :'''Mary:''' DoSAC did do rather well today, uh, actually. :'''Terri:''' Thank you. :'''Mary:''' But there's a conspicuous blockage that will lead to a personnel change. :''(Mary then turns to Stewart, who's sitting on the floor.)'' :'''Mary:''' ''(to Stewart)'' Stewart. You're out. You're gonna be pickled in a think tank. :'''Terri:''' What? :'''Stewart:''' ''(scoffing)'' Of course I am, Mary. And whose authority is this coming from, hmm? :'''Mary:''' The PM, whilst acknowledging the need for thoughts, is keener on actions these days. I'm gonna be providing those. Stewart, there's no need for you to clear your desk, because you're a walking thought pod, aren't you? :'''Stewart:''' ''(calm, but clearly unhappy)'' Absolutely. Thank you very much...Thanks, um... :''(But then, Stewart launches one last razor sharp parting shot.)'' :'''Stewart:''' You know, I've spent ''ten'' years detoxifying this party, hmmm? It's been a bit like renovating an old, old house, yeah? You can take out a sexist beam here, a callous window there, replace the odd homophobic roof tile. ''(Stewart finally gets up.)'' But after a while you realise that this renovation is doomed. Because the foundations are built on what I can only describe as a solid bed of ''cunts.'' <hr width="50%"/> :''(This is the show's closing line.)'' :'''Peter:''' What a shit day! == Cast == '''The Government''' * [[w:Peter Capaldi|Peter Capaldi]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Malcolm Tucker]] * [[w:Paul Higgins (actor)|Paul Higgins]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Jamie McDonald]] * [[w:Alex MacQueen|Alex MacQueen]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Julius Nicholson]] * [[w:Rebecca Front|Rebecca Front]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Nicola Murray]] * [[w:|Eve Matheson]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Clare Ballentine]] * [[w:Justin Edwards|Justin Edwards]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Ben Swain]] * [[w:Rory Kinnear|Rory Kinnear]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Ed]] * [[w:Tony Gardner|Tony Gardner]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Dan Miller]] * [[w:James Smith|James Smith]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Glenn Cullen]] * [[w:Chris Addison|Chris Addison]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Oliver "Ollie" Reeder]] * [[w:Rob Edwards|Rob Edwards]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Geoff Holhurst]] '''Her Majesty's Civil Service''' * [[w:Joanna Scanlan|Joanna Scanlan]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Terri Coverley]] * [[w:Polly Kemp|Polly Kemp]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Robyn Murdoch]] '''The Opposition''' * [[w:Vincent Franklin|Vincent Franklin]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Stewart Pearson]] * [[w:Roger Allam|Roger Allam]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Peter Mannion]] * [[w:Olivia Poulet|Olivia Poulet]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Emma Messinger]] * [[w:Will Smith (comedian)|Will Smith]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Phil Smith]] '''The Media''' * [[w:Ben Willbond|Ben Willbond]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Adam Kenyon]] * [[w:Lucinda Raikes|Lucinda Raikes]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Angela Heaney]] '''Former Characters''' * [[w:Chris Langham|Chris Langham]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Hugh Abbot]] * [[w:Tim Bentinck|Tim Bentinck]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Cliff Lawton]] * [[w:Martin Savage|Martin Savage]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Nick Hanway]] * [[w:Rebecca Gethings|Rebecca Gethings]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Helen Hatley]] * [[w:Geoffrey Streatfeild|Geoffrey Streatfeild]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Fergus Williams]] == External links == {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title|id=0459159|title=The Thick Of It}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Thick of It, The}} [[Category:BBC shows]] [[Category:Cancelled shows]] [[Category:Political satirical TV shows]] [[Category:UK sitcoms]] [[Category:UK workplace comedy TV shows]] 511f1gokv8dx987e7andf0z27c2f2hn 3153136 3153127 2022-08-10T04:03:41Z Mr. Brain 3009526 /* Series 3, Episode 3 */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:The Thick of It|The Thick of It]]''''' is a British sitcom, satirising the inner workings of modern government, that finished its fourth (and final) series in October 2012. It stars [[wikipedia:Peter Capaldi|Peter Capaldi]] as spin doctor [[wikipedia:Malcolm Tucker|Malcolm Tucker]]. See also ''[[In The Loop]]'', a spin-off feature film. ==Series 1, Episode 1== :''(Malcolm Tucker's first line.)'' :'''Malcolm Tucker:''' ''(on his phone, in Cliff Lawton's office)'' No, he's useless. He's absolutely useless. He is, he's useless, he's as useless as a marzipan dildo. All right. Got to go. Minister's just walked in. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm Tucker has just told Cliff Lawton, the head of the Department of Social Affairs, that he has to resign as Minister.)'' :'''Cliff Lawton:''' Malcolm, look, um – if you do this, it's the bollocks of the jungle out there, you know? They're like wolves. Pissed wolves. :'''Malcolm Tucker:''' I've made the announcement: I've told [[wikipedia:The_Lobby|the Lobby]] you're going, Cliff. :'''Cliff:''' You've told the Lobby I'm going? :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. Sorry, Cliff. :'''Cliff:''' Minister. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, get used to Cliff. I've booked you in for the usual soapy tit-wank farewell at Number 10, in 20 minutes. Also drafted you a letter of resignation: gives you the chance to say that you're jumping before you're pushed, although obviously we're gonna be briefing that you ''were'' pushed, sorry. :'''Cliff:''' Um...Look, tell you what. You don't need to do all of this. What about Tom? Everybody knows he's fucking up Transport. :'''Malcolm:''' We can't sack Tom at Transport. We can't lose anyone at Transport, they're important. :'''Cliff:''' What? And Social Affairs isn't? :'''Malcolm:''' OK, the Department of Social for Commercial Affairs is very important, but it's not Transport. Transport's cars, buses, trucks. :'''Cliff:''' I KNOW WHAT TRANSPORT FUCKING ENTAILS! :''(Malcolm gives Cliff his infamous "bollocking stare.")'' :'''Cliff:''' Look, look...Look. I'll look at it. :''(Cliff looks at the resignation note.)'' :'''Cliff:''' Personal reasons. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. I thought that would give you adequate scope. :'''Cliff:''' Scope. What, like, um...shooting up in the Cabinet Office or something? Stuffing a cat up my arse and having a wank? What do you mean, scope? :'''Malcolm:''' You know, this could be a great deal worse. You have had a good innings. You have been here for 18 months. And you know, I have written some very nice things about you in the PM's reply to your resignation. Some very nice fucking things indeed. I had a lump in my throat. And you know why? Because no one who matters thinks any less of you over this -- ''so far.'' OK? ''(beat)'' Right. One more thing: ''[[wikipedia:The Daily Mail|The Daily Mail]]''. David Topham has got it into his head that we are gonna sack you because of press pressure. :'''Cliff:''' I wonder why. :'''Malcolm:''' Look. You're in no position to dish out fucking sarcasm. That's over. You no longer have purchase in the sarcasm world. Get on the phone. Tell him you're jumping before you're pushed -- although we were gonna push you, but not because of press pressure, but because of your deeply held fucking personal issues, whatever they were. :'''Cliff:''' You want me to write my own obituary. :'''Malcolm:''' Get on the fucking phone. Do it now. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Hugh Abbot, the new head of the Department of Social Affairs, is calling a big meeting to announce his first major policy. Joining Hugh in his office are his staff members: Glenn Cullen, Hugh's senior advisor and best friend; Oliver "Ollie" Reeder, Hugh's junior advisor; and Terri Coverley, the department's Chief Press Secretary.)'' :'''Hugh Abbot:''' Shush! I've got something very important to say. I've got -- Ollie, I've got something for us. I've got us a very, very tasty little morsel. Because this morning I had a chat with my very good friend, the Prime Minister of Great Britain. ''(Glenn, Ollie, and Terri are very interested.)'' Yes. And, um, remember the, um, um -- Ollie, your Benefit Unit Fraud... :'''Ollie Reeder:''' Anti-Benefit Fraud Executive. ABFE. :'''Hugh:''' ABFE. Um, Scrounger Squad. :'''Ollie:''' Snooper Squad. :'''Hugh:''' ''(correcting himself)'' Snooper Squad. :'''Terri Coverley:''' The one with the spending implications? :'''Hugh:''' Yes, and the Prime Minister's view, it turns out, is very much, "Fuck the spending implications, I like it." :'''Glenn Cullen:''' Good. :'''Hugh:''' So this is us. We're on the map. It's a chance for me, Glenn, to get on Richard & Judy and plant that flag right on their fucking sofa. :'''Terri:''' So the, um, the Prime Minister's authorized you -- he ''has'' authorized you to announce it, has he? :'''Hugh:''' That's very much what he signaled, yes, very clearly. He said that he's very much right behind us on this and it's very much what we should be doing. :'''Ollie:''' This is great. So we can do it this afternoon at the school, can't we? We can, uh, we can clear the press conference that we've got... :'''Terri:''' ''(getting up to leave)'' Excuse me. :'''Glenn:''' Yeah. We'll "double-bubble" it, yeah? We'll leak it to the Standard for the early editions and then trail it on the World at One. Yes? Right. I'll tell you, we, we need someone at the Standard we can give this to. What about Angela Heaney? She's at the Standard now, isn't she? Hugh? :'''Hugh:''' Yeah. :'''Glenn:''' Ollie? :'''Ollie:''' Um...yes, she is. Do you not think that maybe she's a bit junior, I think. :'''Glenn:''' Bit too much like your ex who broke your heart and then dumped you with a text message? :'''Ollie:''' It was a fucking e-mail. It wasn't a text message. :'''Glenn:''' We give it to her, she'll write what we want. :'''Hugh:''' She's easy. :'''Glenn:''' She is easy. :''(Terri returns to the office, trying to tell the guys to control their excitement over the Snooper Squad policy.)'' :'''Terri:''' Uh, one moment. I can see that you've all got very big, stiff hard-ons for this one -- :'''Hugh:''' Sorry? :'''Terri:''' That's -- that is nice. I'm not saying that's not nice. But... :'''Hugh:''' ''(surprised)'' Terri! :'''Terri:''' But there is absolutely no way we're gonna clear it by this afternoon. So... :'''Ollie:''' Why not? :'''Terri:''' Do cool it, just for a minute, and I'll ring Paul at the Treasury. :'''Hugh, Glenn, and Ollie:''' NO NO NO NO NO NO NO! :'''Hugh:''' No phone calls to the Treasury, thank you. :'''Ollie:''' If you call the Treasury to get anywhere near the announcement, he's gonna have to dress up as catering with a big tray of drinks and a pot of sliced lemons. :'''Hugh:''' I'm not doing that. :'''Terri:''' I'm just going by procedure. :'''Hugh:''' Terri, I love doing things the right way, that ethical stuff. I, I-I love it, I mean, we all, we all do. But -- but, you know, it's very difficult when you're the first person to put your gun down, because people tend to jump on your head as if it was a ripe watermelon. We don't want that, do we? :'''Ollie:''' The Prime Minister said he wants to do it. The Prime Minister is above the Treasury in the hierarchy. I can write it down on a chart if it actually helps. :'''Terri:''' Whatever. :'''Glenn:''' Thank you. :'''Terri:''' Very good, Minister. I'll get to it. :'''Hugh:''' ''(to Terri)'' You're just doing your job. ''(After Terri leaves, Hugh whispers to Glenn & Ollie)'' Not very well. :'''Glenn:''' ''(on his cell phone)'' Will you get Angela on the phone for Ollie? ''(to Ollie)'' You can deal with this, Ollie, yes? Thank you. :'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' The driver. :'''Ollie:''' ''(answering Glenn's question, despondently)'' Technically. :'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Will it be my usual driver? :'''Glenn:''' Yes, Hugh. :'''Hugh:''' I don't fucking like him. :'''Glenn:''' Why not? :'''Hugh:''' He's...I don't know. I think he despises me. :'''Glenn:''' We'll have to use him today, because you know how the pool system works. So we go down to the school...um...have to. :'''Hugh:''' He's sort of contemptuous. :'''Glenn:''' The driver? :'''Hugh:''' I feel like he looks down on me. :'''Glenn:''' No, Hugh, he likes you, I'm sure. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Hugh and Glenn are in the car listening to ''[[wikipedia:The World at One|The World at One]]''. They're celebrating Hugh's "Snooper Force" policy being given the green light.)'' :'''[[wikipedia:Nick Clarke|Nick Clarke]]:''' (on the radio) ''The World at One. This is Nick Clarke with 30 minutes of news...'' :'''Hugh:''' Well, you can fuck off for a start. :'''Nick Clarke:''' ''The Social Affairs Secretary Hugh Abbot...'' :'''Hugh:''' ''(quite proudly)'' Evening. :'''Glenn:''' First story up. :'''Hugh:''' Top of the bill. :'''Nick Clarke:''' ''...a uniformed, so-called Snooper Force. The announcement suggests the DSA has pushed the Treasury into releasing more funds, so we'll ask, is the Treasury losing its... :'''Hugh:''' Yes it is, and not before time! :'''Nick Clarke:''' ''...Social Affairs spokesman Mark Davis Nathenson... :'''Hugh:''' If you can get him out of the bath! :'''Nick Clarke:''' ''But first, the estimates of fatalities from yesterday's train disaster in Bangalore have risen precipitously overnight... :'''Hugh:''' Well, that's marvelous. :''(But then, Hugh's cell phone rings...)'' :'''Hugh:''' Oh, Tucker. ''(Happily answering the call)'' Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' What the fuck was that? Was this whole Snooper Force thing from you? :'''Hugh:''' Malcolm, I talked to the PM and this is completely kosher as far as he's concerned. You know, he gave the go-ahead and he said, you know, bounce the Treasury. :'''Malcolm:''' Don't you realise? We have got 17 different issues we are fighting with the Treasury about. :'''Hugh:''' I can hear that you are, as usual, upset. :'''Malcolm:''' I'll tell you why I'm upset. I'm upset because these fucking morons over at [[wikipedia:HM_Treasury|the Treasury]], these people, they are so paranoid. If you don't tell them about stuff like this, if you don't even cc them an email, they think you've started a palace coup! :'''Hugh:''' Mal– Malcolm – :'''Malcolm:''' You don't seem to understand that I'm gonna have to mop up a fucking hurricane of piss here from all of these neurotics! What did the Prime Minister ''actually'' say to you? :'''Hugh:''' He actually said, 'This is exactly the kind of thing we should be doing.' :'''Malcolm:''' ''What did he actually say?'' :'''Hugh:''' He said, 'This is exactly the sort of thing we should be doing.' :'''Malcolm:''' 'Should' be doing. 'Should' does not mean 'yes'. Now, there's only one thing to do here, and it's what I'm going to tell you to do. Kill it. :'''Hugh:''' I can't -- I can't kill it! I'm on my way to make the announcement! There's gonna be television cameras there and everything! :'''Malcolm:''' Well, fuck the television cameras! Think of something else to say! But just don't mention the bloody [[wikipedia:The_New_Avengers|New Avengers]] or the Snooper Force, or whatever the fuck you call it. :'''Hugh:''' Scam Busters? :'''Malcolm:''' Get rid of it. I don't wanna hear about it again. Bye. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Glenn is on the phone with Terri, telling her about a change in the Snooper Force story.)'' :'''Glenn:''' So the line is -- and call every news desk -- that the Snooper Force story is that it was led out by, quote, "a disgruntled civil servant," unquote. OK? :'''Terri:''' ''(privately annoyed)'' OK, great. :'''Glenn:''' And Terri? :'''Terri:''' Hmmm? :'''Glenn:''' You can drop that tone, all right? :'''Terri:''' What tone? :'''Glenn:''' The "I knew better all along" tone, yeah? It isn't fucking appreciated right now. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Ollie is in the car with Glenn & Hugh, and the three of them are discussing policy ideas while traveling.)'' :'''Hugh:''' All right. So...what the hell am I gonna say is the reason for me summoning all the nation's major news organisations to a school in Wiltshire? :'''Ollie:''' So you want something sexy and eye-catching, and that is free and universally popular and instantly applicable, no one can possibly object to it. :'''Glenn:''' Yep. :'''Ollie:''' Right. :'''Hugh:''' Yes. :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Well, really, you should've said something before, Glenn, because I've got a file about that fucking thick of that back in the office. Absolutely huge. Those sorts of policies are ten a penny. :'''Glenn:''' ''(getting mad)'' Ollie! :'''Ollie:''' Our entire manifesto is more or less made up of... :'''Glenn:''' ''(settling down)'' You know, it really doesn't help when you get cynical. You should think of this as an opportunity. :'''Ollie:''' It's not that easy to come up with ''[[wikipedia:Das Kapital|Das Kapital]]'' in the back of a cab, Glenn. :'''Hugh:''' ''(intervening)'' Ollie. :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh, handing him an electric razor)'' Here, shave. :''(As Hugh shaves his face, everybody settles down and gets back to the task at hand.)'' :'''Glenn:''' What we need is something that the public want, is incredibly popular and is free. :'''Ollie:''' Return of capital punishment. :'''Hugh:''' ''(unimpressed)'' That's a joke, right? You are joking, yes, obviously? Come on, Ollie, come up with something. :'''Ollie:''' National spare room database. :''(Nobody has any ideas yet -- UNTIL...)'' :'''Hugh:''' What about zoos? My kids went to a zoo, you know, the other day and they said-they said it was fucking disgusting. You know, the state of it. ''(beat)'' That's shit, isn't it? :'''Glenn:''' ''(nodding)'' No...but there is an idea there, because in the middle of the city, you've got wild animals. :'''Ollie:''' Pet ASBOs? Do you remember that? ASBOs for pets? :'''Hugh:''' Well, you see, that sounds potentially ludicrous. But then pet passports, I mean, that was a...that was a goer. :'''Glenn:''' What if everybody had to carry a plastic bag? By law? You know, the identification cards are coming in... :'''Hugh:''' ''(appalled)'' You've fucking cracked! Are you mad? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ollie:''' What if the announcement is...there's no big announcement. :'''Hugh:''' Oh, for goodness... :'''Ollie:''' No, no, wait. Right? We say, "The Department of Social Affairs has been doing amazing work, bread-and-butter work, belt-and-braces work, the kind of work that you people aren't interested in 'cos it's not shiny, shiny, media-friendly stuff. You are so obsessed with how things play in the media, you sickos, that every time we try and do, you know, just carry on with our day, you don't show up. So we have to call a big, you know, thing like this." :'''Hugh:''' On target, under budget. :'''Ollie:''' Coalface politics. :'''Hugh:''' Absolutely. Yes, I like that. :'''Glenn:''' Not wasting resources. :'''Hugh:''' Good. Let's do that. :'''Glenn:''' Let's go for that. :'''Hugh:''' We ''trick'' them. We ''trick'' them. Tinselly thing and they come along and then we say, "Ah-ha, that's what we've been doing, we've been doing our fucking jobs!" ''(beat)'' Yes, they never print that stuff, do they? :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, yeah, and you've come all this way, we've got you two hours out of London to come and cover this. :'''Hugh:''' You mugs! You mugs! :'''Ollie:''' But you know what? You've got a bigger story here than you have chasing your tinsel. :'''Hugh:''' Yeah, which is you live in a country which is properly -- There's not many countries can say that. :'''Glenn:''' And we've probably got 10,000,000 we can throw at it. :'''Hugh:''' Yes. That's good, that, because it sounds like a lot, doesn't it? <hr width="50%"/> :''(Hugh, Glenn and Ollie are at the school, preparing for Hugh's big speech.)'' :'''Ollie:''' I've got a thing here that says "springy concrete." I don't know, I think that's about the playground thing, but I don't... :'''Glenn:''' Springy concrete? :'''Hugh:''' ''(practicing his speech)'' Good afternoon...Should I say "Hello, boys and girls?" :'''Glenn:''' Yes, very nice. :'''Hugh:''' Like a fucking panto dame. :'''Ollie:''' He's gonna look ridiculous on the six o'clock news saying, "Hello, boys and girls." :'''Glenn:''' He's talking to the audience in front of him. :'''Hugh:''' ''(practicing)'' Real money for real families. ''(asking Glenn and Ollie)'' Real families or real people? :'''Glenn:''' Families. :'''Ollie:''' People. Real people. :'''Glenn:''' You see? Don't -- Families. :'''Ollie:''' Families sounds exclusive. It sounds kinda back to basics, it sounds [[wikipedia:John Major|John Major]]. :'''Glenn:''' People sounds Communist. :'''Ollie:''' It doesn't sound Communist. :'''Hugh:''' I'll say families. :'''Glenn:''' Thank you, Hugh. :'''Ollie:''' Say families of people. :''(A schools-woman approaches the room.)'' :'''Schools-woman:''' Mr. Abbot. :'''Glenn:''' Great. You're on. Here we go. :'''Hugh:''' Thank you. :'''Glenn:''' It's what you do best, mate. :'''Hugh:''' Yep. ''(to the schools-woman)'' This is lovely. Very nice indeed. <hr width="50%"/> :''(But a short time later...Hugh's speech bombed.)'' :'''Hugh:''' Well, that was a fucking disaster. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Surprisingly, Hugh's press conference was so boring that it was a success! Hugh and Glenn are celebrating at the office.)'' :'''Glenn:''' Well, you really pulled it round, mate. :'''Hugh:''' I took the flak, you supplied the flak jacket. :'''Glenn:''' Yeah, and the bullets bounced off. :'''Hugh:''' This is what it's all about, Glenn. :'''Glenn:''' Yeah. :'''Hugh:''' This is what it's -- All those years at the coalface, hanging in there, taking all the shit, all the bullshit. :'''Glenn:''' When you are Senior Cabinet Minister, then we'll show them. :'''Hugh:''' Yeah, and Snooper Force? Bollocks, we'll get rid of that. :'''Glenn:''' Aw, for fuck's sake, yeah. Fiddling while Rome burns. :'''Hugh:''' Fucking right. We'll kick some arse. We'll kick some butt! Kick some butt! :'''Glenn:''' That's what we're in it for, mate! Tell them all the shit that we do. :''(Glenn sees Malcolm standing behind Hugh, but Hugh is blissfully unaware.)'' :'''Hugh:''' It's a means to an end, mate. :''(Hugh then sees Malcolm right behind him.)'' :'''Hugh:''' Fuck me, Malcolm. How do you do that? :'''Malcolm:''' Can I have a word with you? :''(Glenn, who had earlier slammed doors in Ollie's and Terri's faces, finds a door being slammed in his face.)'' <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm wants to discuss Hugh's speech at the school.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(sighing heavily)'' I'm hacked off, mate. :'''Hugh:''' ''(stuttering)'' But we-we-we killed-we killed it. It's-it's-it's-it's killed. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, but once you start the fire...And we didn't start the fire. It was always burning since the world's been turning, et cetera, et cetera. :'''Hugh:''' S-Sorry, Malcolm, you're not making any sense. :'''Malcolm:''' Prime Minister, obviously, he's, uh, on the plane in Stockholm, and somebody hits him with ''The World At One.'' He thinks it's the Treasury trying to stiff him one, so he, um... ''(Malcolm takes a long pause)'' He stuck with the story. :'''Hugh:''' He liked it? :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, he's backing the Snooper Force. :'''Hugh:''' ''(smiling)'' Oh, right. ''(beat)'' We shouldn't really then have, I mean, ''you'' shouldn't really have, uh, told us to, uh...Should you? ''(chuckles)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(unamused)'' Don't should me, Hugh. 'Cos I'll should you right back. I'll should you right through that window. None of this ''should'' be happening, SHOULD it? ''SHOULD IT?'' ''SHOULD IT?'' :'''Hugh:''' Is that should in the...sense of yes, or...? :'''Malcolm:''' It's should in the sense of "You should do as you're fucking told." :'''Hugh:''' What, um...What are we gonna do now? :'''Malcolm:''' You're gonna completely reverse your position. :'''Hugh:''' Hang on-hang on-hang on a second. Hang-Malcolm, it's-it's not actually that, um – I mean, that's gonna be quite hard, really. :'''Malcolm:''' Yes, well the announcement that you didn't make today, you did. :'''Hugh:''' No, no, I didn't, ''and'' there were television cameras there while I was not doing it. :'''Malcolm:''' Fuck them. :'''Hugh:''' I'm not quite sure h– what level of reality I'm supposed to be operating on. :'''Malcolm:''' Look, this is what they run with. I tell them that you said it, they believe that you said it. They don't really believe you said it, they ''know'' that you never said it. :'''Hugh:''' Right. :'''Malcolm:''' But it's in their interests to say that you said it. Because if they don't say that you said it, they're not gonna get what you say tomorrow or the next day, when I decide to tell them what it is you're saying. :'''Hugh:''' Yeah, I-I am following this. I just... :'''Malcolm:''' I had a friend who used to indulge in extramarital affairs, OK? He would go off and he'd have some dalliance, and every Monday he'd come back and he'd meet his wife. And he told me that all he did was inside his head turn a little switch. The affair never happened. OK? :'''Hugh:''' Right. :'''Malcolm:''' There's not a prob -- I don't -- What is the problem with this? :'''Hugh:''' The problem with it...First of all, I -- I didn't get much dalliance. :'''Malcolm:''' Get it into your head. Rewind today into your head. :'''Hugh:''' OK, stop explaining it to me! :'''Malcolm:''' I have to fucking explain it to you, man. You haven't been here long enough. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Ollie is in an office arguing with his ex-girlfriend, Angela Heaney...who's also a news journalist.)'' :'''Ollie:''' I'm really glad you came in, Angela. :'''Angela Heaney:''' Well, I could lose my job, Ollie. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah... :'''Angela:''' Because I went all hot and heavy to the news desk with three directly contradictory stories in one day. :'''Ollie:''' I know, :'''Angela:''' They gave me flip-flops. You know? Someone actually went out and bought me flip-flops to give me. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah. You've gotta give them credit for that, that is quite funny. :'''Angela:''' Yeah. And they pasted onto them...a fucking porn picture of a girl sucking a big cock and they wrote, "Angela Heaney swallows anything." :'''Ollie:''' That is less funny. Obviously, that's actually quite offensive. :'''Angela:''' Can you give me one good reason why I shouldn't do a big story on the, you know, the day of spin? :'''Ollie:''' Wh-Why? What sort of story? ''(Ollie starts stammering and struggling to defend himself...)'' :'''Angela:''' Inside story of a government department out of control. With diagrams and maybe a flow chart with your face and name on it. And Glenn's and Hugh's and big arrows showing who spoke to who and how you all ''fucked it up!'' Yeah, I think I could write that one up myself, Ollie. I think I could do the punctuation on ''that'' one! :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, I-I'm sorry. Okay, I was patronis... :''(Suddenly, Malcolm comes into the office.)'' :'''Malcolm''': Hey. Hi, Angela. Oh, I like the hair, nice little corkscrews. How's it going? :'''Ollie''': Yeah, er, fine. Um, we were just, er, talking about why Angela shouldn't do a big story on the big insidery piece, kinda day of spin, sort of spread in the paper... :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Oh, I don't know. ''(to Angela)'' Maybe you should! Good idea. :''(Malcolm leaves -- then comes back.)'' :'''Malcolm''': Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute. I know why she shouldn't. Because, you know, if she did that, she'd be dead. To me, to this department, to the government. And she'll never get another story, or a fucking whiff of a story as long as she kept her sorry, hack bitch face lingering around Westminster, because I would call every editor I know - which, obviously, that's all of them - and I'd tell them to gouge her name out of their address books so she'd never even get a job on hospital radio ''where the sad sack belongs.'' That's what I'd tell her. ''(to Ollie)'' But maybe you should do it. See you later. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah. ''(to Angela)'' He's actually...He can be really nice. It's been a very long day. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hugh:''' I want a new driver. Get me a new driver. I don't want to see this guy ever again. :'''Glenn:''' On what grounds? :'''Hugh:''' Smiling. Inappropriate smiling. And smirking. Smiling and smirking. I don't want to see that smile or smirk ever again. OK? Thank you. ''(Hugh turns to the driver)'' OK, thank you very much. :'''Driver:''' Which way do you want to go? :'''Hugh:''' I don't care, you're the boss. ==Series 1, Episode 2== :''(This is the opening scene of the episode.)'' :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' You're late. And you look like shit. :'''Hugh:''' I know both of those things already. [[wikipedia:Margaret Thatcher|Margaret Thatcher]] used to survive on less than four hours' sleep a night. How is that possible? :'''Glenn:''' Monkey glands. She was mad. Mad people have different needs. :'''Hugh:''' And she lived above the shop, so she didn't have to commute. God, London is so big. Can't we devolve some of it? If I could get just one decent night's shut-eye... :'''Glenn:''' Well, Hugh, do yourself a favor. Stay over in the flat. :'''Hugh:''' I can't break my promise to Kate. :'''Glenn:''' I mean, do you actually get to see the children? :'''Hugh:''' Glenn, I don't have time for that. All I do... I work, I eat, I shower. That's it. Occasionally... I take a dump, just as a sort of treat. I mean, that really is my treat. That's what it's come to. I sit there and I think, "No, I'm not going to read the [[wikipedia:New_Statesman|''New Statesman'']]. This time is just for me. This is quality time just for me." Is that normal? :'''Glenn''': It's sad. :'''Hugh''': Well at least I've made something. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm and Hugh are on the phone, discussing an article by Simon Hewitt.)'' :'''Hugh:''' Hello, Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' Have you got Simon Hewitt's piece in front of you? :'''Hugh:''' I haven't been quite through it, erm, yet. :'''Malcolm:''' Have you got to the bit where he calls ''you'' out of your depth? :'''Hugh:''' No, at the moment he's calling me 'the political equivalent of the house wine at a suburban Indian restaurant'. That's not very good, is it? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hugh:''' So, how do we respond to this? :'''Terri:''' Right, we don't exchange insults with bloody Simon arsepipes titty-twat. :'''Ollie:''' Is that honestly the best swearing that you can come up with? :'''Glenn:''' This is a bucket of shit: if someone throws shit at us, we throw shit back at them, we start a shit fight. We throw so much shit back at them that they can't pick up shit, they can't throw shit, they can't do shit. :'''Terri:''' Mm. :'''Hugh:''' That's top swearing, Glenn, well done. :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Terri)'' Watch and learn. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hugh:''' ''(thinking of policy ideas)'' Shut up for a minute, please. Where else can we go? Pollution, the environment. Litter. Dog shit. :'''Ollie:''' Aiming high. :'''Hugh:''' We aimed high, now we're at dog shit. :'''Ollie:''' So what you're looking for – :'''Malcolm:''' ''(entering the room)'' OK, this is what we're doing. I'm putting it about through a number of cronies – :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Morning, Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' – that Hewitt's piece was a packet of bollocks; he did it as a favour to Cliff. :'''Ollie:''' Cliff being – :'''Glenn:''' Cliff Lawton. :'''Ollie:''' Oh right. :'''Malcolm:''' Hugh's predecessor. He and Hewitt are as tight as arse cheeks. :'''Hugh:''' Are they now? :'''Malcolm:''' Fuck knows, but that's what we're saying, OK? It's personal, it's backslapping, it's borderline homoerotic, and you are an innocent victim of a nasty media stitch-up. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Hugh has just asked Terri which policy idea she prefers: Glenn's or Ollie's?)'' :'''Terri:''' It's not my role to have a preference. I sell the apples. If you want me to sell the apples, I'll sell the apples. And if you want me to sell the oranges, then I'll go and tell people the apples? "The apples are shit, Ollie. They're shit." I'll say, "Go on! Check out our oranges!" <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' And you're against it? :'''Glenn:''' It'll die on its arse! 'My grandma was mugged by some ferret-faced teenager with a neck tattoo, what are you gonna do about it?' 'Teach him to play the bassoon.' It is, as my dear old mother would have said, double wank and shit chips.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Glenn:''' Well, my guts still say no. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well substantial as they are, they've been outvoted.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Hugh:''' Malcolm, I know you were very keen on Terri's appointment but, um – :'''Malcolm:''' She's shit. :'''Hugh:''' Well, I wouldn't go that far. :'''Malcolm:''' She's a box-ticker, Hugh. She can't think outside the box. :'''Hugh:''' No, in fact she's built a box inside the actual box and she's doing her thinking inside that box. :'''Malcolm:''' Exactly, I like that. :'''Hugh:''' I'm sorry, I'm so tired, Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' No, that's good. :'''Hugh:''' I have so much stuff to read and think about. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Terri''': Anyway, these focus groups, they're absolutely useless. :'''Ollie''': Oh, so it's useless to ask people what they think, is it? It's useless to ask people's opinions before we formulate a policy? It's useless?! :'''Glenn''': Look, there's no point in asking people what they think. They either don't know what they think or they think that you should bring back hanging for traffic wardens. Or they just think what every right-minded thinking person would think, and that's just common sense! :'''Ollie''': Oh, yeah yeah yeah, oh yeah, ''"I'm Geoff Average, and I think the same as everybody else cos I'm Mr Average Normal Bloke and everybody thinks like me cos I work in IT, and on the weekends I pop a few pills and do a bit of DJ-ing, y'know, spare cash cos I'm a single mum and I'm a member of the [[wikipedia:National_Trust_for_Places_of_Historic_Interest_or_Natural_Beauty|National Trust]], I enjoy any sports on TV, anything with Colin Firth, I enjoy domestic violence and sun-dried fucking...karaoke."'' Not everybody is the same, Glenn! People can surprise you! :'''Glenn:''' Was that good-natured joshing? <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm is still working late at night in his office, eating a piece of fruit, when his cell phone rings.) :'''Malcolm:''' ''(answering the call)'' Tucker. :'''Simon Hewitt:''' Malcolm, uh...hope I didn't wake you up. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(spitting)'' Hewitt. :'''Simon:''' Yeah, I'm doing a piece this Sunday, a big piece on focus groups. It's sort of inspired by your latest policy disaster. I'm gonna be concentrating on how your man Abbot can't do a single thing without focus groups. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(clearly unmoved)'' I'm shaking with fear. :'''Simon:''' Yeah, well, that's sexual jealousy. :'''Malcolm:''' You're so very very witty. Pity none of it ever makes it into your columns. :'''Simon:''' Listen, I'd love to spend the rest of the evening listening to you, but I've got better things to do. :'''Malcolm:''' Fuck off back to your match reports, you twat! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hugh:''' How fucked am I? :'''Ollie:''' Well, you look awful, you look terrible. I mean, you often look quite bad, but... :'''Hugh:''' I mean, in terms of negative publicity. On the fuckometer, where am I? :'''Glenn:''' Oh, 12. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah. 12, say. :'''Hugh:''' Out of what? :'''Glenn:''' Er... 50. :'''Ollie:''' Oh. Mine was out of ten. :'''Hugh:''' Right, ''(to Glenn)'' so I'm 24% fucked according to you, ''(to Ollie)'' but according to you I'm 120% fucked? :'''Ollie:''' Um, yeah, I didn't... :''(But before Ollie can finish his thought, Terri enters the office.)'' :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Terri)'' Terri, have you got anything for us? :'''Terri:''' Well, I can't ask them to drop the piece. It would make us look pathetic. :'''Hugh:''' Terri, I don't mean to come across all Mr. Gradgrind, but this is your job, isn't it? Sorting out the press? This is what you do for a living? :'''Terri:''' This is Malcolm's problem, anyway. He's the one who took it over. It's him that spun that... :''(Before Terri can finish her point, Malcolm enters the room and takes charge.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' All right, listen up, this is what we're gonna do. I'm bringing forward Hugh's interview with Angela to this afternoon. :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Morning, Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' It goes out as a spoiler tomorrow morning. That way, we can get our side of the story across and also piss all over Simon Hewitt's corn flakes, sadly only metaphorically, yeah? Right, okay. Ollie, call Heaney. Terri, get on to her editor. Glenn, book her room. [[wikipedia:The_Professionals_(TV_series)|Bodie, Doyle, you go round the back]]. :''(The other 4 are confused by Malcolm.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' At times of stress, I make jokes! :''(Glenn, Terri and Ollie go about their business.)'' :'''Hugh:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Right, um...What do I do? :'''Malcolm:''' Sit down in front of the TV with me. You're gonna watch that Zeitgeist tape now. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm and Hugh are in Hugh's office watching The Bill on tape. Hugh is sort of dozing off to sleep, when all of a sudden...he wakes up to see Mary, the Focus Group Superstar, in the show!)'' :'''Hugh:''' Oh, shit. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, I know, but people watch it. This gets 6,000,000. :'''Hugh:''' Oh, shit. :'''Malcolm:''' What? :'''Hugh:''' She's an actress. :'''Malcolm:''' Who? :'''Hugh:''' Mary, from the focus group, she's an actress. :'''Malcolm:''' Oh, relax, that doesn't matter. These focus groups, they do it all the time. If they're a bit short on numbers, they bung in a couple of actors. It doesn't matter because it's a focus group - key word, "group." :''(Hugh's trying to find a solution to his problem...)'' :'''Hugh:''' Ooh, I've just remembered. Um...can you just... :'''Malcolm:''' Should I pause it? :'''Hugh:''' If you could pause it for a second, I'll be...I'm sorry, I'll just be back in a sec. :''(Hugh rushes to get help from Glenn. Hugh has to whisper to Glenn so Malcolm doesn't hear anything.)'' :'''Hugh:''' Glenn? :'''Glenn:''' What? :'''Hugh:''' I've got a bit of a problem. You remember Mary from the focus group? :'''Glenn:''' What, Miss, uh, Immaculate Bloody Conception? :'''Hugh:''' She's an actress. :'''Glenn:''' What do you mean? :'''Hugh:''' Well, I mean she's – No, there's no clearer way of saying it, she's an actress. :'''Glenn:''' Are you sure? :'''Hugh:''' I've just seen her, she's in ''[[wikipedia:The_Bill|The fucking Bill]]''! :'''Glenn:''' Oh, Jesus! Look, this doesn't necessarily have to be a total fucking disaster. :'''Hugh:''' Oh, I think it does, because she wasn't for real, she's not really, uh, a stay-at-home [[wikipedia:Middle_England|Middle England]] housewife, she-she's just playing a part, so what she said wasn't, you know – :''(Hugh and Glenn walk past Terri, who is on the phone.)'' :'''Glenn:''' Yes. Yeah, I do know. :'''Terri:''' What, who said what wasn't what? :'''Hugh:''' ''(whispering to Terri)'' We are organising focus groups to listen to the opinions of ordinary people, except they're ''not'' ordinary people! They're fucking actors, so they're not technically people at all! :''(Glenn and Hugh go to Ollie's desk.)'' :'''Terri:''' ''(on the phone)'' Can I get back to you? :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' What is it? :'''Glenn:''' Your fucking legend is a fucking actress! :'''Ollie:''' Well, 'cause the focus group companies do it all the time. If they can't cobble together, you know, the right cross-section, they call a casting agency – :'''Glenn:''' Dial-an-opinion, is it? 'Send me three liberals, two fucking mavericks and a racist.' Brilliant, Ollie! Brilliant! :'''Hugh:''' ''(whispering)'' We've based the whole thing on her! Just her! Her alone! :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Don't you see? Why didn't you run it past me for once? :''(Hugh storms off towards a nearby cupboard.)'' :'''Hugh:''' ''(still whispering)'' Shit! Shit! :''(Glenn, Ollie and Terri continue whispering argumentatively.)'' :'''Glenn:''' It's not real! :'''Terri:''' I thought I recognized her. You know, she was in ''[[wikipedia:Midsomer Murders|Midsomer Murders]]''. :'''Glenn:''' Why didn't you say anything? :'''Terri:''' I saw her in ''Midsomer Murders''. I thought she might've had a twin or something. :'''Glenn:''' What a stupid thing to... :''(While Glenn, Terri and Ollie continue arguing, Hugh sulks silently in the cupboard.)'' :'''Hugh:''' Fuck! Fuck! :''(But as soon as Hugh starts banging things and making noise, somebody opens the cupboard door: It's Malcolm...and he's not happy.)'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' You said 'she.' :'''Hugh:''' Yes. :'''Malcolm:''' Come out of the cupboard, Hugh. :'''Hugh:''' No. :''(Malcolm enters the cupboard.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Hugh, we have to sort this out. When I asked you about the focus group – :'''Hugh:''' Yeah. :'''Malcolm:''' – you said 'she' loved it. :'''Hugh:''' We gave her a one-on-one. :'''Malcolm:''' Why? :'''Hugh:''' She's Middle England. :'''Malcolm:''' So Middle England is a big fucking field, with ''one woman'' standing in it? :'''Hugh:''' Do you think Hewitt will find out? :'''Malcolm:''' OF COURSE HE FUCKING WILL, SHE'S HIS MOLE! THAT'S WHY HE'S GOT A PIECE IN THE PAPER TOMORROW! :''(Malcolm leaves the cupboard, with Hugh right behind him.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Glenn, Ollie, Terri and Hugh)'' We've got to shut this down now, right? I want this leaked to Angela Heaney. It's damage control, OK? We put out the story the way ''we'' want it, before Hewitt fucks us up the bugle! Get onto it, now! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Hugh, Glenn and Ollie are trying to defend themselves. Terri's on the phone trying to contact Angela Heaney.)'' :'''Hugh:''' I didn't know that she's an actress! :'''Glenn:''' No, exactly! We, we've been lied to! We've been abused! We are the victims of abuse! :'''Terri:''' ''(holding the phone)'' Ollie? :'''Ollie:''' Shut up! :'''Terri:''' Can you call her? :'''Ollie:''' Yes, I'll call her! :''(Malcolm re-enters the picture.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Hugh)'' How could I know you are a broken vase? :'''Hugh:''' What the fuck are you talking about? :'''Malcolm:''' You're a broken vase! :'''Hugh:''' How do I know she's an actress? I never watch television! That's why you have to give me a stupid tape! :''(Hugh comes up with a plan...)'' :'''Hugh:''' Listen, we're gonna get her in, we're gonna talk to her, she'll meet us...I will talk to her because I'm good with people. She can help us, she'll see our point of view, we'll be fine. :'''Malcolm:''' Well, I hope so. I hope that's what gonna happen. :'''Ollie:''' Or we kill her. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Later that night, Malcolm, Hugh, Glenn and Ollie are talking to Mary. They're discussing what's going to happen because of her being an actress in a focus group.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Mary)'' Do you just want to think about what is going to happen tomorrow? :'''Hugh:''' Because tomorrow, you are gonna find the press all over you – :'''Mary:''' In a good way? :'''Hugh:''' No, not in a good way at all, I can tell you – :'''Malcolm:''' You know that film ''[[Notting Hill]]'', have you seen that? :'''Glenn:''' She's probably fucking in it. :'''Malcolm:''' You know that bit where the guy opens the door – :'''Mary:''' What is this? :'''Malcolm:''' – and there's like millions of journalists and hacks and photographers and all flashbulbs are going off? In about four hours time, that's gonna be you, darling: they're gonna be all over you like fucking cockroaches. :'''Hugh''' ''(trying to comfort Mary)'': It's OK, it's OK. :'''Malcolm:''' No no no no no no no no, it's NOT OK! It's not gonna be OK, and I'll tell you why: Because you're fair game. So I hope your knickers are clean. Because every seat-sniffing little shitbag that's ever filed a byline is gonna be questioning you. 'Cause now, it's in the fucking public interest, isn't it? And they're gonna hit you with any shit they can find and you're gonna be spread out there in front of them like a trollop in the [[wikipedia:Stocks|stocks]]! :'''Mary:''' I still don't really understand what's going on. :'''Malcolm:''' We can hold those dogs back, right? :'''Mary:''' What do you mean? :'''Malcolm:''' We can get you a nice journalist, yeah? :'''Glenn:''' Yes, exactly. :'''Malcolm:''' We can get you a nice young journalist, Angela Heaney...and maybe you...maybe you, I mean I don't know what shit that he made you sign, but whatever it was, it was bullshit. Maybe if you just say that, you know, uh, you were misquoted and also that Simon Hewitt's a prick, right? If you just said that... :'''Mary:''' Who? :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, the journalist that you told your story to. :'''Mary:''' I, I didn't...I didn't talk to any journalist. :'''Malcolm:''' You spoke to Simon Hewitt. :'''Mary:''' No, I... :'''Malcolm:''' You fucking spoke to Simon Hewitt, he's a fat guy with a tiny little dick the size of a bookie's biro. You fucking spoke to him. :'''Mary:''' ''(getting mad)'' I'd like to go now! :''(Now, ALL the guys are shouting!)'' :'''Glenn:''' Did you speak to Simon Hewitt? :'''Mary:''' No! I don't even know... :'''Hugh:''' You didn't speak to him. :'''Malcolm:''' She didn't fucking speak to him. :''(The guys are starting to realize that Mary's telling the truth.)'' :'''Mary:''' I don't know anyone called...Simon...whatever the fuck. :''(Malcolm starts yelling under his breath.)'' :'''Ollie:''' Hewitt. :'''Mary:''' Hewitt, yeah. :'''Glenn:''' She doesn't even know! ''(to Malcolm)'' Malcolm...Fuck's sake! :'''Mary:''' ''(talking about Malcolm)'' What's the matter with him? :'''Glenn:''' Ollie. ''(Glenn's motioning to Ollie to take Mary out of the room.)'' :'''Hugh:''' ''(to Mary)'' Sorry for anything I said that might have upset you. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(trying to apologize to Mary)'' Sorry, darling. Sorry, love. Just been crossed lines, darling. Sorry about that... :'''Mary:''' Will you leave me alone? :''(Ollie escorts Mary, who's understandably upset, out of the room.)'' <hr width="50%" /> :'''Malcolm:''' '''''FOR FUCK'S SAKE!''''' :'''Glenn:''' She didn't even know! :'''Malcolm:''' Fuck him! :'''Hugh:''' That didn't really work, did it? :'''Glenn:''' Is it too late... :'''Hugh:''' ''(confused and stunned)'' So can I just get this, this straight, just for my, just for my own sanity... :'''Glenn:''' Listen, if we get on the phone, can we pull the front page? :'''Hugh:''' No. It's too late. :'''Glenn:''' You mean Heaney's piece is gonna go ahead anyway now? :'''Malcolm:''' Of course it's gonna fucking go ahead! I mean, I'm good but I can't fucking hold back the tide, can I? Alright, that's it. That's it. I'm going to bed. :'''Hugh:''' Kind of ironic, really... :'''Malcolm:''' You're fucking on your own! ''(Malcolm angrily leaves, slamming the door.)'' :'''Hugh:''' ...because she, she hasn't actually spoken to, to Hewitt, uh...and we've, of our own volition, voluntarily released the story to the, to the press...unnecessarily. Um...Damn. <hr width="50%" /> :'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Can you wake me in a couple of hours? ''(Hugh lies down on a sofa)'' There's no time to go home, I'll just pass myself coming back in. ==Series 1, Episode 3== :'''Terri:''' Did you say we were gonna do a press release? :'''Hugh:''' Yes, erm, "Following a successful report stage debate, Secretary of State for Social Affairs, Hugh Abbot, today announced: 'I'm the fucking daddy!'"<hr width="50%" /> :'''Dan Miller:''' How are you, Glenn? :'''Glenn:''' I'm good, thank you – Actually, I just thought you were very heavy-handed with the backbenchers. No need for it in this day and age. :'''Dan Miller:''' Listen, Glenn. I mean, you know as well as I do, if you're going to make an omelette, you're going to have to have some frank and honest discussion with the eggs. And that's all I was doing. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm is in his office on his desk phone, trying to explain himself to a fellow government official.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' I'm not complacent, Tom. ''(beat)'' Yeah, I know we did take a hit over the-the-the focus group thing, but it wasn't a ''big'' hit. ''(beat)'' Oh yeah? Says who? ''(beat)'' Oh, the prime minister told you that, huh? Well, get you. ''(beat)'' Look, I can only cook with what I've been given. You know, it's like ''[[wikipedia:Ready Steady Cook|Ready Steady Cook]].'' You give me Hugh Abbot, I'll give you bangers and mash. But if you give me Gerry from the Home Office, well then, I can raise it to fucking risotto and scallops. Do you know what I mean? ''(beat)'' Yeah yeah yeah. Ok, ok. Ok, bye. <hr width="50%"/> :''(looking at Hugh's tie)'' :'''Glenn:''' What are those? They're little hippos, aren't they? :'''Hugh:''' I don't know what they are actually; I think they're just unidentified amusing creatures. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hugh:''' So what time does this ''[[w:Daily Mail|Daily Mail]]'' hack get here? :'''Glenn:''' Ten minutes, it's Angela Heaney, didn't I tell you? :'''Hugh:''' So she left the ''[[w:Evening Standard|Standard]]''? :'''Glenn:''' That's right, absolutely. :'''Hugh:''' Go on then: ask me some questions. :'''Glenn:''' Right, OK, I'll be Angela Heaney, and I'll ask you some questions. :'''Hugh:''' My God, that's uncanny. Mind you, your tits are a bit bigger than hers. :'''Glenn:''' Is it true that, although this Housing Bill went through Parliament with incredible ease – :'''Hugh:''' Actually, can you just do it as yourself? Sorry, it's just slightly unsettling. :'''Glenn:''' Right, erm – that you'll find a lot of difficulty in the real world? :'''Hugh:''' On the contrary, this Bill is going to do an extraordinary amount of good for an extraordinarily large number of people. Ordinary people, but ordinary people who ''deserve'' a little bit of the extraordinary in their lives. :''(both start giggling)'' :'''Glenn:''' Perfect. That's brilliant. That's brilliant! :'''Hugh:''' It's a piece of piss. :'''Glenn:''' There you are, you see. :'''Hugh:''' Go on, ask me something hard. :'''Glenn:''' Where's the [[w:Nazi gold|Nazi gold]], you donkey-shagger? :'''Hugh:''' I'm very pleased you asked me that, Angela, because let me just say right away that this Bill is going to do an extraordinary amount of good for an extraordinarily large – <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm''' ''(in his office, on his mobile)'': Hi Tom, what can I do for you? ''(beat)'' Well, I-I didn't know what he was doing with his flat – I told him that fucking flat w– Well, they're not running with this – No, well, I know, he's got-he's got an interview now with that-that-that Angela Heaney, you know, the twat bubble from the ''Standard'' – Fuck, she's just gone to the ''Mail''. I'm onto it. ''(Malcolm hangs up and leaves his office.)'' <hr width="50%"/> :''(After a LOT of running, Malcolm finally arrives at the floor where Hugh is talking to Angela Heaney.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' WHERE THE FUCK IS HE??? :'''Ollie:''' He's in the goldfish bowl! :'''Malcolm:''' Fuck! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Hugh is still talking to Angela.)'' :'''Hugh:''' No, no. Look, I'm very glad you brought that up, because that -- gives me...that gives me the opportunity to...Sorry...I...''(Hugh's looking at Malcolm through the 'goldfish bowl')'' Just mucking about...Um... :'''Hugh:''' I have always maintained very clearly... :'''Malcolm:''' ''(opening the door)'' Hi, Angela. Sorry, sorry, sorry, can I just borrow the Minister for a moment? :'''Hugh:''' Sure. Sorry, be right back with you. :''(Barely audible, outside the 'goldfish bowl' where Angela was interviewing Hugh...)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Hugh)'' They're running about your fucking flat, I fucking told you about that. How the fuck did you think it was gonna run, you STUPID CUNT?! How am I supposed to control what's going on if I don't know WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON? YOU'RE A FUCKING PRICK! AN ABSOLUTE CUNT! DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT? :''(While Malcolm is still yelling at Hugh, Terri opens the door to the "Goldfish Bowl." She comes in and offers to get Angela some goodies.)'' :'''Terri:''' Angela, can I get you a fresh cup of coffee? :'''Angela:''' No, I'm fine, thanks. :'''Terri:''' Um, would you like some tea? :'''Angela:''' Nope, nope. :'''Terri:''' No biscuits or anything? :'''Angela:''' No. :'''Terri:''' Do let me know if you need anything else. :'''Angela:''' I will. Thanks very much. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Hugh)'' GET BACK IN THERE AND WRAP THIS BULLSHIT UP! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Hugh re-enters the 'goldfish bowl'...) :'''Hugh:''' Ah. Hah! Bit of a disagreement. :'''Angela:''' Blimey. :'''Hugh:''' Yeah. Um, could you...I'm just curious, could you hear? Because we were actually...We can be quite brutal to each other, because we're actually very, very good, good friends. :'''Angela:''' Right. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Moments later, Malcolm is in Hugh's office, arguing with Glenn and Ollie over the scandal involving Hugh and his flat.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Glenn)'' You haven't been accepting ''any'' offers? :'''Glenn:''' NO! :'''Malcolm:''' Jesus... :'''Glenn:''' Well, that wasn't the point! The whole deal was we put the flat on the market so if the press are asking us, we say, "Fuck off, he's selling it!" They'll go away and then, you know, Hugh's got a place in town! :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' What the fuck is your girlfriend doing hitting us with this, huh? :'''Ollie:''' Well, she's not my girlfriend, Malcolm. So I've no idea. :'''Malcolm:''' Oh, well you won't mind if I kill her then, will you? :'''Ollie:''' It'd solve a lot of issues for me, to be honest with you. :'''Malcolm:''' Hey! Hey hey hey, if you could sweet-talk that sour-faced bitch into dropping us you'd be sweet to me, you'd be very very sweet – :'''Ollie:''' If I could sweet-talk that sour-faced bitch into anything I would have had a more comfortable four months – :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah well, I'll just have to kill the both of you then, won't I? :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, well. :'''Malcolm:''' That's a joke, by the way, not a very nice one, a nasty one which masks a lot of very negative feelings about this fucking department. :''(Malcolm's cell phone rings...)'' :'''Malcolm:''' (looking at his phone)'' Oh, Jesus. Tom Davies. ''(answering)'' Tom! Hello, how are you? Yes. No no, he was already there when I got there, he was talking to her. ''(Malcolm leaves Hugh's office.)'' <hr width="50%"/> :''(Hugh re-enters the office as he and his team try to create an emergency strategy of sorts.)'' :'''Hugh:''' What is happening? :'''Ollie:''' What the hell was that? :'''Hugh:''' What is happening? That was supposed-that was supposed to be a nice interview. :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' What on Earth did you say to her? :'''Hugh:''' I think-I think I denied being a racist. I hope so. :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Hugh)'' You didn't say that you have lots of black friends, you didn't go... :'''Hugh:''' Of course not. Well, I haven't-I haven't got any. :'''Ollie:''' What did you say about the offers? :'''Hugh:''' ''(stammering)'' I-I-I said I wasn't, I wasn't...someone else was handling the sale and I wasn't aware of any offers. :'''Glenn:''' Hugh? :'''Hugh:''' Hmm? :'''Glenn:''' Did you mention me by name? :'''Hugh:''' ''(still stammering)'' Um, possibly -- No, I-I don't think -- I-I may in between denying racism, possibly have, yes. :'''Glenn:''' ''(displeased)'' Thank you. Thank you very much. Thanks a fucking bunch! :''(Terri enters the office.)'' :'''Terri:''' OK, so what's the line on this then? :'''Hugh:''' I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. What is-what is the line on this? :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh, still upset)'' I don't know! Don't look at me! :'''Hugh:''' But we need to have a line on this. :''(Malcolm re-enters the office with some surprise news.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' OK, we've got movement, we got a break. :'''Glenn:''' What? What? What? :'''Malcolm:''' The flat's sold. :'''Hugh:''' ''(in disbelief)'' ''WHAT?'' :'''Malcolm:''' To the Asian family, for 40 grand below the asking price. But that's alright. :'''Glenn:''' Jesus! :'''Hugh:''' ''WHAT IS HAPPENING?!'' :'''Terri:''' Malcolm? :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah? :'''Terri:''' We're too late. :'''Malcolm:''' What? :'''Terri:''' All the papers have got a hold of it. The ''Express'' has been making offers on it, at the asking price and also £30,000 more. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(stunned)'' Jesus... :'''Terri:''' Haven't been accepted. :'''Malcolm:''' We've got to stall. :'''Hugh:''' This is madness! I just own a flat, I haven't raped somebody! :'''Terri:''' ''(on her cell phone)'' Yeah, they're calling the scandal "Flatgate." :'''Hugh:''' ''Scandal?!'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(whispering to Terri)'' Flatgate?! :'''Glenn:''' Well, that's crap. It's a crap name for a scandal. :'''Terri:''' They should call it "Notting Hill Gate-gate." :'''Hugh:''' Can we at least stop calling it a scandal? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Terri, unamused)'' Are you joking? Are you joking now? :'''Terri:''' ''(leaving the office)'' On my way to stall. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, get stalling. :''(A moment of silence...and then...)'' :'''Hugh:''' Maybe we can just blame it all on Terri. :'''Glenn:''' That is an option, isn't it? <hr width="50%"/> :''(The next day, Hugh is in Malcolm's office...arguing about "Flatgate.")'' :'''Hugh:''' It's a flat! :'''Malcolm:''' It is a second home! In a borough with thousands of homeless people that you have kept more or less empty for ages! Have you not read your own Housing Bill, for God's sake? :'''Hugh:''' It wasn't-I only kept it empty for a little while to see my bloody family. Obviously, on reflection, I should have filled it with prostitutes and, and rent boys and crack cocaine pimp tattoo freaks. :'''Malcolm:''' Thanks to Dan Miller and his like, the Housing Bill is a success, but this is ''burying'' the whole thing! :'''Hugh:''' Well, what do you want ''me'' to do? ''Resign?'' ''(Malcolm stares at him)'' No, no! No, that is – I'm not going over this. :'''Malcolm:''' The way out of this situation is for you to – :'''Hugh:''' This is madness, Malcolm, this desire for perfection, that – I am not perfect, I am just a person, right? I need to sleep, I need to eat, occasionally I need to take a dump. So, I mean, what's next, I mean, do we put that on the evening news, on the front page? "Minister is disgusting defecation outburst". [[wikipedia:Mollie_Sugden|Mollie Sugden]] at Number 10: "Did you enjoy your shit, Mr Abbot?" They should just clone ministers, you know, so we're born at 55, with no past, and no flats, and no genitals. Just a world of robots in a sort of – It's like a futuristic film, and you'd enjoy that, wouldn't you? You'd be in your little space station surrounded by obedient androids, like that fucking brushed-aluminium Dan Miller cyber-prick! :'''Malcolm:''' It ''is'' possible to have a good resignation, you know! :'''Hugh:''' ''A good resignation?'' Oh, I'm looking forward to how you're gonna sell ''this'' to me! :'''Malcolm:''' Look, people really like it when you go just a bit early! You know, steely-jawed, faraway look in your eyes! Before they're getting to the point when they're sitting round in the pub saying "Oh, that fucker's got to go", you ''surprise'' them! "''Blimey'', he's gone, I didn't expect that! Resigned? You don't see that much anymore! Old school! Respect! I rather liked the guy! He was hounded out by the fucking press!" How about that, huh? What a way to go, yeah? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ollie:''' You know, I'm just the counter man in [[w:McDonalds|McDonald's]], I'm not that important, frankly; you're the clown running the shop, you're the one that they want to see strung up from a lamppost by his fucking wig. :'''Glenn:''' What does that make me? :'''Ollie:''' [[w:Ronald McDonald|Ronald McDonald]]. :'''Glenn:''' Well, fuck off! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' "Department of Social Affairs", Department of Fucking Shocking, Shitty, Charlatan, ''Shits!'' That's what – ''(to Ollie)'' Feet off the furniture, you [[wikipedia:Oxbridge|Oxbridge]] twat! You're no' on a [[wikipedia:Punt_(boat)#Punting_in_England|punt]] now. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hugh''' ''(to Dan Miller)'': I've missed my ideal resigning point. With every day I delay, it's another year before I can get back again. If I had resigned the day I was appointed, I'd actually be Prime Minister by now. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hugh:''' Social Affairs, what the fuck does that actually mean? You know, it's so vague. You know, 'Hello, I'm Hugh Abbot, the Minister for, I dunno, stuff'. ==Series 2, Episode 1== :''(Ollie has had sex with Emma. And he realizes the whole office knows about it -- much to his dismay.)'' :'''Ollie:''' Terri, is, uh -- ''(Ollie instead sees Robyn Murdoch.)'' Oh, hello, Robyn. Where's Terri? Is she not... :'''Robyn Murdoch:''' ''(smiling)'' Well, morning, Mr. Lover-Loverman! :'''Ollie:''' Does -- Does nobody else ever shag anybody else in Westminster? :'''Glenn:''' ''(pretending to be seductive)'' ''Hey, Horatio!'' ''(beat)'' How's it hanging? :'''Ollie:''' It's hanging fine. :'''Glenn:''' Sleeping with the opposition, I hear, hey? :'''Ollie:''' Not all of them. :'''Glenn:''' What do they do? Do they keep a tight hold on the fiscal, um, the fiscal, you know, um... :'''Ollie:''' Scrotum? What? What? :'''Glenn:''' ''(beside himself)'' Shagging the opposition. Never would have happened in my day. :'''Ollie:''' Well, she's not my opposite number, Glenn. 'Cause Levitt has gone to Shadow Defence, so she's doing Shadow Defence, so she's no longer Social Affairs, so... :'''Glenn:''' Did you manage to do some good while you were there and steal a few policy papers? :'''Ollie:''' It's hard to know why you're so unsuccessful with the opposite sex. I'll tell you what, though... :'''Glenn:''' I never fucked Terri. :'''Ollie:''' Oh, Terri. Did you not know? :'''Glenn:''' No. :'''Ollie:''' Malcolm's, um... :'''Glenn:''' Malcolm's what? :'''Ollie:''' Binned her. She's gone. :'''Glenn:''' You're jo... :''(At this moment, Hugh enters the office -- and even HE knows about Ollie's night of romance with Emma!)'' :'''Hugh:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Morning, studmuffin. Enjoy your walk on the wild side? How was your dip in the wild blue – pussy? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Glenn:''' Hugh, I have some wonderful news for you. Terri's gone. :'''Hugh:''' What? :'''Glenn:''' Terri. Terri's gone. :'''Hugh:''' What do you mean "gone?" :'''Ollie:''' Uh, yeah. A resignation bluff that went awry. :'''Hugh:''' ''(very happy)'' NO! YES! OH, RESULT! WHOO! WHOO! ALL RIGHT! COME ON! HIGH FIVE! :''(But Robyn comes into the office to deliver some sad news about Terri's father.)'' :'''Robyn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' Secretary of State, um, just to let you know, Terri's father's, uh, had a stroke. It's pretty serious, um, so she's gonna be gone quite awhile. :'''Hugh:''' ''(much more sympathetic)'' I'm...Oh dear, that's awful. I'm so sorry. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm and his second-in-command, Jamie, are having a good, lively talk while walking to Malcolm's office.)'' :'''Jamie:''' Where's Neil? :'''Malcolm:''' Leicester, poor fucker. You'd think that once you'd achieved a certain status, you might have been excused visiting Leicester, wouldn't you? :'''Jamie:''' Have you seen the whips' numbers? :'''Malcolm:''' NoMFuP. :'''Jamie:''' Eh? :'''Malcolm:''' NoMFuP, N-O-M-F-P, Not My Fucking Problem – I quite liked that, did you like that? :'''Jamie:''' Yeah, it's very good. :'''Malcolm:''' I think I'll use that quite a lot today. :'''Jamie:''' I'll use it as well. :''(Malcolm spots a journalist he's very happy with for doing a good profile on a government Minister.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to the journalist)'' OH HO HO! Well done with Fatty's profile. Very very good. I nearly liked the enormous fucker reading it. :''(Malcolm and Jamie continue their conversation.)'' :'''Jamie:''' What if the MOD breaks tonight? What I'm hearing is the overspend's getting more brutal by the hour. ''(Both men enter Malcolm's office.)'' They're talking about topping off at one-one and a half billion. Obviously, that's a lot of nurses. :'''Malcolm:''' Or one fantastically enormous robotic one, yeah? :'''Jamie:''' Obviously, yeah. :'''Malcolm:''' And how's the Minister? :'''Jamie:''' He's shitting himself. ''(laughs)'' He's practically kissing his driver goodbye. He said he felt like he was "in the Twin Towers on 9/11, just fucking waiting." :'''Malcolm:''' Oh, for fuck's sake. But everybody knows their lines, yeah? IT projects always overspend. :'''Jamie:''' Oh, yeah, yeah. :''(Malcolm's loyal personal assistant, Sam, enters the office. She has some papers for Malcolm to look over and sign.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Sam)'' Do you think you could manage to get me a decent cup of tea? Would that be possible? :''(Sam readily agrees.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Thank you. Try not to drip in it. :''(After Sam leaves the office, Malcolm continues his chat with Jamie.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Jamie)'' I tell you the thing that's worrying me is, er – is this dodgy? :'''Jamie:''' I don't know. The kid's firm was the second lowest bid. He says they never talked. What does it matter? :'''Malcolm:''' No, but you know me, I'm a man of principle. :'''Jamie:''' Oh, I know. :'''Malcolm:''' I like to know whether I'm lying to save the skin of a tosser or a moron. :'''Jamie:''' Probably a moron. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Ollie is preparing for his trip to Number 10 in Hugh's office.)'' :'''Hugh:''' ''(looking at Ollie's cell phone)'' Is this yours? Is this new? :'''Ollie:''' Uh, yeah. I thought I'd get it for Number 10. :'''Hugh:''' It's got a camera on it? :'''Ollie:''' Yeah. Yeah, it's on the back. :'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Happy slap him. Go on. :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Hugh)'' How do you know about happy slapping? How do ''you'' begin to know about... :''(But before Ollie could finish the question, Glenn gives Ollie a "Happy Slap" upside the head!)'' :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Get off! :'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Hang on, I missed it. No, will you do it again? :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Hugh)'' That's assault. :''(Glenn happy slaps Ollie again.)'' :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Get off, will you? :'''Hugh:''' ''(to Ollie)'' No, listen, it's all right, we can doctor the crime figures. :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' I really like this! :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' I'll punch you in your substantial gut. :''(And then, Robyn gives Ollie a happy slap, too!)'' :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Robyn)'' Fucking hell, Robyn! You little fucker! :''(Hugh and Glenn are laughing at Ollie's expense. Then, after the laughter dies down, the 2 of them decide to take a selfie of themselves on Ollie's cell phone.)'' :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' We should take one of us, so he's got something to remember us by. :''(Glenn takes the pic.)'' :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' Because, you know, at the end of the week, you're gonna be head of the Policy Unit. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, then you'll both be out. :'''Hugh:''' Giving head to the Policy Unit. :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh)'' Hugh, can we, uh, do the prep for the factory visit now? :'''Hugh:''' Yeah. :'''Glenn:''' We're gonna get there at about 12, 12:30, okay? :'''Ollie:''' Forgot the, um... :''(Ollie picks up something from Hugh's desk -- and then gives Glenn a happy slap upside his head! Then, Ollie leaves.)'' :'''Glenn:''' ''(annoyed)'' Stupid boy. :'''Hugh:''' That ''was'' funny. :'''Glenn:''' That was funny? :'''Hugh:''' Yeah. :'''Glenn:''' I don't think it was funny. :'''Hugh:''' I'm an elected representative of the people. :'''Glenn:''' Yes? :'''Hugh:''' It was funny. <hr width="50%"/> :''(As Ollie is waiting outside Malcolm's office, Malcolm is yelling out for Sam again.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' SAM! :''(Sam comes toward Malcolm's office.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Sam, a coffee and a fucking skinny muffin, if that's possible. ''(Malcolm then sees Ollie.)'' What the fuck are ''you'' doing ''here?'' :'''Ollie:''' I thought you said today, Malcolm. Did you not say... :'''Malcolm:''' I mean what are you doing there? Come on! :'''Ollie:''' All right, sorry. I just didn't want to interrupt you, I never know what you're doing in your – :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well if the PM's giving me a blowjob I always put a sign up. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Robyn Murdoch is a senior press secretary for the Department of Social Affairs. She is traveling with Glenn and Hugh to their factory visit.)'' :'''Robyn:''' I've confirmed that they'll definitely be a regional news team filming our arrival, plus there will be four local papers. :'''Hugh:''' Regional news? :'''Glenn:''' No nationals? :'''Robyn:''' Well, this is very much a regional event. You know, I didn't think that... :'''Hugh:''' Robyn, all events are regional, hmm? Everything that happens in the world has to happen somewhere. Do you see? Even JFK's assassination was a regional event. But it was also very important. Hmm? Like this factory visit? You see that? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Geoff Holhurst)'' How much fucking shit is there on the menu, and ''what fucking FLAVOUR is it?'' :'''Ollie:''' ''(on the phone to Emma)'' Oh, Malcolm? No no, that's – I'm in a Scottish restaurant, some man's complaining 'cause they've under-fried his Mars Bar – yeah, of course it's Malcolm! ''(beat)'' Well, Malcolm's all sound major. That's him every day. It's like this furnace of shit. It's not -- it's not good for my system. :'''Geoff Holhurst:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Christian's firm put in the second lowest tender. That's Point 1. :'''Ollie:''' ''(on the phone to Emma)'' Do you fancy meeting up? Maybe tomorrow night? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Geoff)'' You're ''worse'' than dead meat. I don't know why you're laughing. You're too toxic to even feed to the vultures. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Hugh, Robyn, and Glenn arrive at the factory for their visit. Hugh gets out of the car first so he can say hello to the factory's employees.)'' :'''Hugh:''' Hello. Hello, Hugh Abbot. Nice to meet you. Hello. :''(But as soon as he starts saying hello to the employees, Hugh is caught off guard by a surprise confrontation from one of the workers!)'' :'''Factory Woman:''' Do you know what it's like to clean up your own mother's piss? :'''Hugh:''' I'm sorry? :'''Factory Woman:''' Do you? I mean, she was in that home for 16 weeks. Do you know what it's like to clean up your own mother's piss? :'''Hugh:''' That's, that's, that's very tough, isn't it? That's very, very tough, and our hearts, all our hearts, go out to you. :'''Factory Woman:''' But do you know what it's like to get down and clean up your own mother's piss? :'''Hugh:''' I-I think that I'm probably not the right person to talk to about this. :'''Factory Woman:''' Who ''do'' I talk to? :'''Hugh:''' Urinary and affairs like that are probably more, more Health. So anyway, lovely to talk to you... :''(Hugh turns his attention away from the woman and towards the factory, talking to a factory supervisor.)'' :'''Hugh:''' What a fantastic -- What a fantastic landscaping! I really do think it makes an enormous difference to the workplace when you have this relationship with... :''(But the Factory Woman won't let up.)'' :'''Factory Woman:''' But is that your answer? Is that your answer? :'''Hugh:''' Can I just say, we'll get someone to, to note your, your case and do what we can about it. :'''Factory Woman:''' You'll get someone to note my case?! ''Nobody's'' noted my case! :''(And when she sees Hugh touching her arm, she REALLY gets livid!)'' :'''Factory Woman:''' STOP IT DON'T TOUCH ME! WHAT ARE YOU TOUCHING ME FOR? YOU DON'T KNOW ME! YOU DON'T EVEN WANT TO KNOW ME, DO YOU? :'''Hugh:''' (stammering) I know, I do want, I would like to get to know you. I've just... :'''Factory Woman:''' OH, WHY ARE YOU WALKING AWAY FROM ME, THEN? Would you like to know the facts? I'll tell you about the facts. :'''Glenn:''' The minister would love to know the facts. :'''Factory Woman:''' There are two qualified nurses out of all those care assistants. Only two! :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh, quietly)'' Give her a smile... :'''Factory Woman:''' The rest are only kids! :''(Hugh gives the Factory Woman a sheepish smile, but that just makes the situation worse...)'' :'''Factory Woman:''' WHAT ARE YOU SMILING AT? WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT? DO YOU THINK IT'S FUNNY? DO YOU THINK I'M FUNNY? DO YOU THINK MY MOTHER'S PISS IS FUNNY? WELL, IT'S NOT FUNNY! SHE'S NOT LAUGHING! SHE'S PISSING HERSELF! I'M NOT LAUGHING! I'M CRYING! <hr width="50%"/> :''(A short while later, Hugh, who is on a higher level in the factory, is talking to Glenn on his cell phone. Glenn is on the ground level...and that pesky Factory Woman is screaming right at him!)'' :'''Hugh:''' Glenn? Is she still saying it? :'''Glenn:''' Oh God, yes. (Glenn turns to the Factory Woman.) Would you please just give me a moment? :''(Glenn continues his conversation with Hugh on his cell phone.)'' :'''Glenn:''' Yes. Yes, she's banging on about it even now. The trouble is, Hugh, they reckon they've got some great shots. You know... :'''Hugh:''' ''Great shots?'' :'''Glenn:''' The thing is: Don't panic. :''(The Factory Woman finally gets more of her 2 cents in...)'' :'''Factory Woman:''' ...BECAUSE IT'S DISGUSTING! YOU CANNOT TREAT PEOPLE LIKE THIS! :''(Glenn's patience has finally run out.)'' :'''Glenn:''' CAN YOU PLEASE SHUT UP FOR ONE FUCKING MINUTE? I'm asking nicely. Please! :''(Glenn finishes his phone conversation with Hugh.)'' :'''Glenn:''' Now, Hugh -- look, I'm gonna have to hang up. :'''Factory Woman:''' Did you enjoy that? Did you enjoy that? <hr width="50%"/> :''(Meanwhile at Number 10, Malcolm and Jamie are having a stern chat with Geoff Holhurst's son, Christian.)'' :'''Jamie:''' ''(to Christian Holhurst)'' Your dad told us that he didn't know you worked for the company. You never told him. :''(Ollie's cell phone rings...)'' :'''Ollie:''' ''(answering his phone)'' Ollie Reeder? ''(beat)'' Um -- Sorry, who is this? :'''Christian Holhurst:''' ''(to Jamie and Malcolm)'' Obviously, he knew, but... :'''Ollie:''' ''(on his phone)'' No, I've never cleaned up my own mother's piss. ''(Ollie's talking to the Factory Woman.)'' Sorry, what? Who-Who are you? :'''Jamie:''' ''(to Christian)'' Well, you-you ''do'' talk to your dad? :'''Ollie:''' ''(on his cell)'' Well, how did you get... :'''Jamie:''' ''(to Christian)'' NO, YOU FUCKING DON'T! That is the wrong answer! The wrong fucking answer! :'''Ollie:''' ''(on his cell)'' Please don't be aggressive. I will call back. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Christian)'' You tell your corporate affairs people. Otherwise, I'm gonna come over there and fucking maim every single fucking one of them. Okay? Good to see you. All right? Well done, Christian. <hr width="50%"/> :''(In this scene, Malcolm has arrived at ITN, a news network, to meet Mark Davies, the news producer. Malcolm & Mark are in the production room discussing footage of Hugh being confronted at the factory by the Factory Woman.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(introducing himself to Mark)'' Mark? Hi, Mark Davies? I'm Malcolm. We've spoken on the phone. :'''Mark Davies:''' Yes. :'''Malcolm:''' Do you mind if I pop in? It's just -- I was in seeing Pam. and everyone started talking about the Hugh thing. :'''Mark:''' Yes... :''(Mark nods his head in agreement with Malcolm as they look at the footage.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Do you see what I have to work with? :'''Mark:''' I know, Malcolm. He doesn't look great, does he? :''(As they continue looking at the footage, Malcolm starts to attempt to play director.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Mark's assistant)'' That shot, are you going to use that? :'''Mark:''' Malcolm. :''(Mark doesn't want Malcolm touching the equipment.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Sorry, sorry. :'''Mark:''' Don't touch that. :'''Malcolm:''' This isn't in the package, is it, Mark? :''(Sure enough, Malcolm's inner director starts channeling inside him again.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Mark's assistant)'' You're not using that. You can't use that. ''(to Mark)'' This is dumbing down of the news agenda that people like me and your boss's boss really object to. And I'm gonna mention this to him when I see him on Friday, by the way. :'''Mark:''' Malcolm, this is a traditional old-fashioned news story, called 'Minister looks a tit'. :'''Malcolm:''' Hey, everybody looks a tit, you know? Take two of these shots of him looking moronic out. Leave a couple in of him looking a little bit dim, put one of him composed, drop it down the running order, and we've got a deal. :'''Mark:''' I'm not – Deal, what deal, Malcolm? He looks a tit, that's it. I'm sorry. :'''Malcolm:''' But there is a difference between allowing someone's natural tittishness to come through, and just exploiting it through camera work here! You're sticking one tit moment on top of another tit moment. That wouldn't happen in real life. And do you know about that woman? Have you made any inquiries into the background of that woman? :'''Mark:''' I'm sure my researchers have, yes. :'''Malcolm:''' Yes. Your researchers have? Well, well, I'm gonna tell you I don't think they have. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' Stats, percentages, international comparison, information! Email them fucking WADS of information! And tell them they'd better get their heads around it before they put pen to paper, or I'll be up their arses like a fucking Biafran ferret, right? COME ON, UNLEASH HELL! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hugh:''' Sometimes I...You know, when you meet the real...the actual people...Don't you ever, I mean, just look at the little, beady eyes and mean mouths sort of sneering, and...I mean, I know this is what they think people like me think, so I hate thinking it, but I just find myself thinking they're from a different fucking species. You know, with their T-shirts and weird trousers and tabards. Why do they wear clothes with writing on them? And why are they so fucking fat? :'''Glenn:''' I know, and stupid. :'''Hugh:''' God, I hate this place. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm and Jamie are about to give Ollie an important mission...)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Ollie. :'''Jamie:''' ''(to Ollie)'' We need you to fuck Hugh for us. ''(beat)'' Okay? :'''Ollie:''' ''(reluctantly)'' Okay. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' I need you to go over to Mark Davies at ITN, right? They're 50/50 on bumping Hugh up to top of the bill with the Piss Woman, right? Can you sort that out for me? ''(Ollie agrees)'' Good lad. Okay, see you later. :'''Ollie:''' ''(seeing a bag of chips from a bin on his chair)'' Oh nice, very nice. :'''Jamie:''' WELL GO FOR FUCK'S SAKE, YOU BIG FUCKING PRICK! I'LL CUT YOUR FUCKING EARS OFF, WE NEED IT DONE! :'''Ollie:''' When I met you this morning, I thought you were the nice Scot! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ollie:''' Fuck's sake. ''(Ollie answers his phone)'' Oliver Reeder. :'''Malcolm:''' Have you sorted it, Ollie? :'''Ollie:''' It's not quite sorted just yet, Malcolm, it's difficult – :'''Malcolm:''' Shall I send Jamie over? Would you like that? :'''Ollie:''' No, no – :'''Malcolm:''' You and Jamie and a rubber truncheon, locked in that fucking newsroom together. :'''Ollie:''' No, I'm fine. :'''Malcolm:''' Then make me happy. Bring me sunshine. :'''Ollie:''' Right, I'll make you happy, Malcolm. ''(Ollie hangs up)'' Dickwad. ''(Ollie's phone rings again. He answers it)'' Oliver Reeder. :'''Jamie:''' Hey all right, shitebag, you done it yet? :'''Ollie:''' I'm just in the middle of doing it right now, but every time I try – :'''Jamie:''' WELL, FUCKING HURRY UP! GET OFF THE FUCKING PHONE! :'''Ollie:''' ''(Ollie hangs up)'' Fuck's sake! ''(His phone rings yet again. He answers)'' I'm fucking doing it! I'm just – Sorry Emma, yeah, hi. I'm stuck in that meeting about equal pay. It's just – it's gone over. But, uh, but - Hey, you know, tonight. Are we still on? ''(beat)'' Yeah. Yeah, ''Solaris,'' here we come. Bye. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Hugh and Glenn are finally back from the disastrous factory visit, talking about...piss.)'' :'''Hugh:''' Have you, though? :'''Glenn:''' What? :'''Hugh:''' Ever cleaned up your own mother's piss? :'''Glenn:''' No, I never knew my mother, Hugh. As you know. :'''Hugh:''' Sorry. Have you--have you ever cleaned up your stepmother's piss? :'''Glenn:''' No, I never cleaned her piss. It wasn't that kind of relationship. :'''Hugh:''' No, nor me. Though I have to say, I've done Alicia's piss and Charlie's piss. I mean, you know, loads, loads of it. But, you know, it's only piss. It's -- Yeah, thanks. I mean, she was going on as if it was some sort of toxic waste or something, but it's, what's a bit of piss? <hr width="50%"/> :''(In the Number 10 Newsroom, Malcolm and the team are about to watch the ITN News.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' All right, folks, here we go. :''(The top story on the news is about Hugh's disastrous factory visit.)'' :'''News Announcer:''' ''Tonight, dramatic pictures...'' :''(The newsroom office cheers.)'' :'''News Announcer:''' ''...of voter anger over the NHS.'' :'''Jamie:''' ''(happily)'' Anything other than Number One spot is a big win. :'''News Announcer:''' ''...spin doctor thought our tape had stopped running.'' :''(Sure enough, Ollie's cell phone pic of Glenn appears on the TV screen...with the sound of Glenn getting mad.)'' :'''Glenn:''' ''CAN YOU PLEASE SHUT UP FOR ONE F$%@#!G MINUTE?'' :'''Jamie:''' ''(quite amused)'' Oh oh oh, he is so fucked! ''(to Ollie)'' Hey, good photo. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah. Well, you know, it's a good phone. :'''Hugh:''' ''What fantastic landscaping...'' :''(More howls of laughter emanate from the newsroom.)'' <hr width="50%"/> :''(Back at Hugh's office, Glenn is sitting in a chair beside himself. Hugh is pacing the floor.)'' :'''Glenn:''' Who do you think looked worse? You or me? :'''Hugh:''' Well, I mean, I looked bad, but you said bad. I suppose on balance, um, honestly...You, really. :'''Glenn:''' ''(quiet, but annoyed)'' Great. :''(Glenn's cell phone rings.)'' :'''Glenn:''' Oh. Go away. :''(Glenn hangs up on the call...and after a few moments...)'' :'''Glenn:''' I don't know if I'm gonna survive this, Hugh. They're gonna be all over me like shingles. ''(Glenn's cell phone rings again.)'' They are all over me like shingles! :''(Glenn hangs up on the call again...More awkward silence...)'' :'''Hugh:''' It'll be OK. :'''Glenn:''' Do you think? :'''Hugh:''' Yeah, it'll probably be fine. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Ollie has stopped answering his cell phone. Let's hear what his voicemails have to say.)'' :'''Hugh:''' ''(in a voicemail)'' Ollie, hi, it's Hugh. I just wanted to say thank you very very much. The way you shifted the spotlight onto Glenn was quite Tucker-esque, really very [[w:Machievelli|Malc-iavellian]], if you know what I mean. Well done, and bye bye. :'''Factory Woman:''' ''(in a voicemail)'' Hello, Ollie. Just seen myself on the news. Okay, let's get something done now. And, uh, I'll be phoning you every day until we do sort out my mother and her problem. Thank you. <hr width="50%"/> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Jamie:''' Oh, don't worry about Malcolm, he's only about half as scary as he thinks he is. Well, here, you can have this desk, it's free. :'''Ollie:''' OK. :'''Jamie:''' Don't worry, she won't be coming back. Hey, Joe, Joe! This guy is your replacement. I'm not fucking joking, by the way. Ollie, this is Frankie. Frankie, this is Ollie. ''(Ollie extends his hand to Frankie, who ignores it)'' Frankie, I don't know what happened, but I somehow – you know those numbers I asked you for? I never found them on my desk. Maybe somebody stole them. Or, maybe, maybe, you're fucking me around. And if you fuck me around again, I'll tell you something: ''(laughs slightly)'' I am going to rip your fucking head off, and shit right down into your neck, ''(grabs Frankie's head)'' and then I'm going to stick your FUCKING head back on, and SHIT ON THAT! ==Series 2, Episode 2== :''(At the start of this episode, Hugh is talking on his cell phone to someone about the impending "Cabinet Reshuffle.")'' :'''Hugh:''' ''(on his cell phone)'' No, Derek. I'm not presuming anything. It's entirely up to the PM. I'll just go wherever he wants me to go. I'm gonna have to go. Bye-bye. :''(Next, Hugh and Ollie, who's right behind him, both meet up with Robyn and congratulate her on getting a place at Malcolm's 8:30 press meeting.)'' :'''Hugh:''' ''(to Robyn)'' Good morning. :'''Robyn:''' ''(cheekily smiling)'' Morning, Minister. :'''Hugh:''' Are you just off to your 8:30 with Malcolm? :'''Robyn:''' Yep yep. :'''Hugh:''' First one? :'''Robyn:''' Into the Lion's Den, Viper's Pit. :'''Hugh:''' "The Belly of the Beast, the Lair of the White Worm." :'''Ollie:''' The Eye of the Snake. :'''Hugh:''' Not all the departments get asked to the 8:30, so... :'''Robyn:''' That's true. :'''Hugh:''' A great honor that we are in there with the big hitters. Always best to be inside the tent, pissing out. :'''Ollie:''' Absolutely. If you were, you know, doing this over at Environment and Rural Affairs, you'd be, uh, at 8:30 you'd be very much outside the tent, wouldn't you? Probably at Coffee Republic. :'''Hugh:''' Covered in piss. Good luck. You'll be fine. You don't need good luck. Yeah. :'''Robyn:''' What about the...piss? :'''Hugh:''' ''(reassuring Robyn)'' No no no, it's just a figure of speech. :'''Robyn:''' I'd better go. :'''Ollie:''' See you later, Robyn. :'''Robyn:''' OK. :'''Ollie:''' ''(looking at his cell phone)'' I'm sure there's a way of... :'''Hugh:''' ''(chasing after Robyn)'' Robyn! :''(Hugh just remembered to ask Robyn a question.)'' :'''Hugh:''' ''(whispering to Robyn)'' Robyn, sorry. Could you try and pick up any signals you can from Malcolm about -- about the, um...about the reshuffle? :'''Robyn:''' I've really got to go now, because I don't want to be late. :'''Hugh:''' Yeah, God, don't be late! :'''Robyn:''' Apparently, they shout things at the last one in. :'''Glenn:''' ''(entering the scene)'' If anyone shouts at you, they'll have to answer to me. I'll box his ears. :''(Robyn leaves)'' :'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Box his ears? If that was flirting, that was absolutely crap. :'''Glenn:''' What? :'''Hugh:''' Box his ears? How long is it since you've had sex? :'''Glenn:''' That is between me and my internet service provider. Anyway, about this morning's – :'''Ollie:''' ''(chuckling)'' You've actually gone red, Glenn. Look at you. :'''Hugh:''' Yeah, you have. Look, you've gone red. :'''Glenn:''' I have not gone red. ''(points to his folder)'' That's red. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah! :'''Hugh:''' Look, he can hardly walk properly. :<hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm Tucker is having his 8:30 meeting with all the reporters and press officers from various government departments.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(entering the room)'' Morning morning morning morning! :'''Everyone else:''' Morning. :'''Malcolm:''' OK, I want to have a little bit of a think about, um, some of our presentational issues with regard to yesterday. There seems to have been a bit of a problem last night with, uh, Liam on ''Newsnight.'' I would like to know why did we have a Minister on last night who did not appear to know their lines. :'''Reporter #1:''' It's not all his fault, Malcolm. We-we grilled him beforehand. :'''Malcolm:''' You grilled him? :'''Reporter #1:''' He's got a new baby. He's not getting enough sleep. :'''Malcolm:''' I don't care if he's got a new baby. I don't care whether he's tired. He looked like he didn't know what he was fucking talking about. Now I know he doesn't know what he's fucking talking about, but he's got to appear as if he does, right? ''(Malcolm starts pointing at all the reporters.)'' And that is your job and your job. ''(He continues pointing.)'' And yours and yours and yours and yours and yours and yours and yours and yours and yours. With all due respect of ministers, give them the lines. Right? :'''Robyn:''' Give them all the lines to say? :''(Malcolm introduces the other reporters to Robyn.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' This is the delightful Robyn. She's just with us today. She's standing in for, eh, Terri Coverley at the Department of, uh, Social Affairs. So let's be gentle with her, please. No remarks about the Department of Stuffed Anuses, or the Department of Stupid Announcements, or the Department of Sod All. ''(Laughter emanates from the room.)'' Right, next. :'''Robyn:''' Reshuffle? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Robyn, smiling)'' Yes, there is, uh, a pending reshuffle, I can see we're not gonna get anything past you! "There was a young girl from DOSA, who helped herself to a samosa." ''(Malcolm jokingly makes a karate chop.)'' Argh! Next time I'll come up with something. Just a bit of fun. Um...Yes, the reshuffle. No, yes, well, definitely, we-we don't know anything. ''I'' don't know anything. So, um, we can't say anything. But you know, even if we did, we wouldn't. But we don't, so we both can't and won't. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' ''(asked for a line about Julius Nicholson at his 8.30 meeting)'' 'Julius Nicholson is a hugely respected adviser. He now has a wide-ranging brief, and his blue-sky vision and helicopter thinking will enable this Government to go, in his own phrase, "beyond delivery, and beyond that".' That's the line, OK? And if he does stick his baldy head round your door and comes up with some stupid idea about 'policemen's helmets should be yellow', or 'let's set up a department to count the moon', just treat him like someone with Alzheimer's disease, you know? Just say to him, "Oh, yeah, that's lovely, that's good. We must talk about that later." OK? <hr width="50%"/> :''(Hugh is now at Malcolm's office at Number 10. Hugh wants to talk to Malcolm about the impending reshuffle.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(on his mobile)'' In no way, shape or form is it gonna have any ''(knock at door)'' – Come the fuck in, or fuck the fuck off. :'''Hugh:''' ''(entering)'' Well I'll come the fuck in then. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(back on his mobile)'' It's just something that Nicholson's flown, you know. It's a kind of brain exercise, like "What would it be like if men had tits?", you know? [[wikipedia:Mark_Mardell|Mark Mardell]], yeah, ''(laughs)'' that's pretty good, actually. All right, then. See you, then. ''(hangs up)'' Hugh? :'''Hugh:''' I thought you would want to know as soon as possible. :'''Malcolm:''' What? :'''Hugh:''' Terri's dad. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah? :'''Hugh:''' No news at the moment. :'''Malcolm:''' Right, so you've come to talk about the reshuffle, yeah? :'''Hugh:''' Yeah, I have. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah? :'''Hugh:''' In terms of shuffley stuff, how is Neil? I mean, is his heart... :'''Malcolm:''' Have you not heard? :'''Hugh:''' No. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(sighing heavily)'' He's paralysed. :'''Hugh:''' Oh no. :'''Malcolm:''' Neil's on wheels. :'''Hugh:''' You're kidding. :'''Malcolm:''' He's a vegetable. :'''Hugh:''' Oh my God. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. :''(A lengthy silence follows...and then...)'' :'''Malcolm:''' That means you could have his department. :'''Hugh:''' Oh, you are kidding. Well, fuck you very much. :'''Malcolm:''' Well, I know that you're looking for mouth-to-mouth in the reshuffle, but I don't know anything about it. I mean, the PM is still working it out on the back of a Coldplay CD as we speak. :''(It's time to meet Julius Nicholson, the Advisor to the Prime Minister. Julius is now entering Malcolm's office.)'' :'''Julius Nicholson:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Are you in, sir? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Julius)'' Oh! Mr. Julius Nicholson. :'''Hugh:''' ''(shaking Julius's hand)'' Hello, nice to see you again. :''(Hugh lets Julius have his seat, and Malcolm and Julius start up a conversation.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Julius)'' What proposals have you got for us today? How about a ban on sand castles? :'''Julius:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' I just wanted to find out if you're coming to my FSG briefing this afternoon. :'''Malcolm:''' FSG briefing? :'''Julius:''' Forward Strategy Group, Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' Well, you know, Julius, I think I'm just gonna have to send one of the -- I'll send one of the boys. I have got so much work to do here, what with this, uh, the MOD... :'''Julius:''' As the minister said to the prince, don't be surprised if we abolish you. I'll leave it with you. :''(Julius gets up and leave the office. Malcolm and Hugh resume their conversation.)'' :'''Hugh:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' That was a bit, um...Are you all right? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(annoyed)'' I'm fucking all right. I can fucking look after myself. :'''Hugh:''' Under the spotlight now, aren't you? :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well, ''you'' should just watch your own back, what with the missus dripping poison into the big guy's ear about you. :'''Hugh:''' Missus? What missus? :'''Malcolm:''' The Prime Minister's missus. Oh, what? You don't know? She doesn't like the cut of your jib, son. :'''Hugh:''' She doesn't -- She's hardly ''seen'' my jib. I just had a conversation with her at the New Year's party, that's all. ''(beat)'' Why doesn't she like me? I mean, what's not to like? :'''Malcolm:''' I mean, you just didn't click. :'''Hugh:''' ''(exasperated)'' We couldn't click! We were talking about the fucking Euro! How are you supposed to click over the Euro? It's fucking impossible. :'''Malcolm:''' Don't take it so personally. :'''Hugh:''' You're telling me she doesn't like me as a person! How else am I supposed to take it? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ollie:''' Robyn, can you send these back to archives, 'cause they're not even highlighted, I'm not going to plough through all that myself. While you're talking to them, I need the last four months of the European Digest. I'm going to be moving – :'''Robyn:''' Is it 'cause you fancy me, is that what this is all about? :'''Ollie:''' Sorry? :'''Robyn:''' Why are you so bloody rude to me? I mean, that's got to be the reason. Other people, when they come in here, they knock on the door and they say "hello", "good morning", "thank you" and "nice top" sometimes. :'''Ollie:''' Right, um, well, no. I mean, for a start, I don't fancy you. I don't know where you got that in your head, but it's probably best to get it out. If I'm slightly polite to you on a semi-regular basis, will that in any way bypass it? :'''Robyn:''' I think that would definitely do it. :'''Ollie:''' Right, fantastic. Well, thank you very much for the work you do; hi, by the way, how are you? :'''Robyn:''' I'm really well, actually. :'''Ollie:''' Great, that's great; you look lovely; can I have the fucking Digest, please? That would be terrific. :'''Robyn:''' All you had to do was ask me. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, well, all I did do is ask. ''(Robyn bends down to get something)'' Phwoar! ''(She gets up and stares at Ollie)'' It was a joke. <hr width="50%"/>'' :''(Hugh and Ollie are discussing the latest Cabinet meeting.)'' :'''Hugh:''' I did mention your great quiet carriages thing and he just – ''(pulls a slightly disgusted face)'' :'''Ollie:''' Well what does that mean? :'''Hugh:''' Fuck knows what it means, but I don't think it means, "Oh, Hugh, you're fantastic. Here, become Home Secretary". And even if it did mean that, when he's in bed tonight with Mrs PM, flossing, then she'll say, "What do you mean, Hugh Abbot as Home Secretary? The man is a social spastic and very probably a registered nonce, darling." <hr width="50%"/> :''(This scene starts with Malcolm on his desk phone in his office.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(on the phone)'' This is just another example of thinking out of the box by someone who's clearly out of his fucking tree. :''(Someone's knocking on Malcolm's door -- and that someone is Julius Nicholson. Again.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(on the phone)'' Alright, I've got to go. I'll talk to you later. :'''Julius:''' ''(entering the office)'' Ah, Malcolm Tucker! :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Julius)'' Julius Nicholson! What can I do you for? :''(Both men sit down in their chairs for a chat.)'' :'''Julius:''' I am keen to have a chat with, um, Keith Percival. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. Uh, that won't be possible. :'''Julius:''' And I need to read the O'Rourke papers. :'''Malcolm:''' I'm afraid not. Anything else? :''(Uh-oh...this is gonna be a long, uncomfortable conversation.)'' :'''Julius:''' Look, Malcolm, you and I both know full well that my power and authority flows directly from the PM. If you've got a problem... :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well, Keith is so busy with real governmental work that he doesn't have time to discuss with you your ideas and theories. The O'Rourke papers are not relevant to anything that we can actually action at this moment. :'''Julius:''' That's slightly funny, because when I played tennis with the PM -- which I do as I'm sure you know, every Sunday -- he was saying just how much he was looking forward to seeing that paper. :'''Malcolm:''' He does think that your theories are interesting. He tells me that, because, you know, I see him every day. I also see him on a Sunday when I get together with his family and I make the fucking waffles. ''BUT'' -- I cannot allow you to come in here and interfere with the actual process of government. :'''Julius:''' Malcolm, that is my -- that is my ''JOB!'' That's my job! :'''Malcolm:''' Well, you're doing it very fucking well. :'''Julius:''' Malcolm, I'm sorry. There are gonna be big changes around here. Get used to it. We'll announce all this at the reshuffle. :'''Malcolm:''' With all due respect, Julius, the reshuffle is the business of the PM and the PM alone, which means that that is my business. It is my remit. :'''Julius:''' No, Malcolm. Historically, yes. But now it's part of my remit. :'''Malcolm:''' Right. OK, I'll tell you what we should do. ''(getting up)'' Why don't we just get our remits out, slap them on the table, and see who's got the biggest fucking remit? :'''Julius:''' ''(standing up)'' Mal-Mal -- Malcolm, Malcolm, we need to talk about accommodation, we need to talk about access... :'''Malcolm:''' Accommodation? Why am I talking about accommodation? :'''Julius:''' It's a 21-man department. We can't fit upstairs. This is ideal. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(confused)'' 21 men in here? :'''Julius:''' Not just in here, no. This office here will be perfectly usable, for not only myself... :'''Malcolm:''' That's not an office. :'''Julius:''' Yes, it is an office. :'''Malcolm:''' It's a pantry. :'''Julius:''' Well, whatever it is, we will refit this out as a working office... :'''Malcolm:''' ''(opening the pantry door)'' Julius, it's a fucking pantry. Look. :'''Julius:''' So what? What we'll do is we will kick through this -- Bang, straight into the PM's private study. ''(Julius shuts the pantry door.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(talking while eating something)'' What are people gonna say -- when they come in and they say, "Where is Julius Nicholson?" :'''Julius:''' I'm here. :'''Malcolm:''' He's in the pantry! :'''Julius:''' ''(knocking on the pantry door)'' Here I am. :'''Malcolm:''' You know what they're gonna do? They're gonna ridicule you. :''(Malcolm and Julius are talking over each other, and then Malcolm cracks wise...)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''Where's the bankrupt in the cupboard?'' :'''Julius:''' Why are you behaving like a complete and utter prick? :'''Malcolm:''' I'm supposed to polish you up, burnish you up. Yeah, and when you get your big break and you're on fucking ''Call My Bluff'' or whatever it is, I'm supposed to... :''(Malcolm sees Julius heading for the door to leave the office.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Come back in here! Oi! Come back in here! JULIUS! Get the fuck back in here! :''(Julius reluctantly comes back in Malcolm's office, and Julius tries to lecture Malcolm while he's talking.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Please! Please! Come back. Let's be civilised. Let's-let's be civilised about it. Let's be civilised, come on. Let's be -- there ''are'' human resources, let's be civilised about it. Go over to your fucking pantry, right. :'''Julius:''' This is a perfectly usable office space... :'''Malcolm:''' ''(shutting the pantry door)'' Cool it for one minute, okay? Cool it. And just fucking cool it, shut up and fucking listen to me. This is an old fucking Georgian door. Do you know how long this has been here? :'''Julius:''' No I don't. :'''Malcolm:''' Since the time of Elizabeth I, at least. Now look at that. :''(Julius laughs in utter disbelief.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' That does not open. Look at it. Look at it. Try opening it. Come on. Surely, this is the kind of stuff you like. Character building, team building. Put your hand over mine. Try to open the door. Come on, Julius. It's my fucking pantry. :''(Malcolm and Julius are still talking over each other endlessly...)'' :'''Julius:''' It's not your pantry. It's my fucking pantry. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Discussing Julius Nicholson)'' :'''Hugh''': Can't we just kill him, shoot him? :'''Ollie''': What about we just fire him at a wall from a cannon. Just a wall two feet away. :'''Glenn''': I know, we force feed him with a mixture of garlic and Dettol in Cup-a-Soup. :'''Hugh''': What about the old red-hot poker up the arse? Edward II? :''(Julius walks in)'' :'''Ollie''': I'd like to nail him to a tree through the head and watch lice slowly crawl over his body, eating off the flesh in a slow and painful death, ''(having already noticed Julius)'' but that rather bitter anomaly aside, most of the responses to the Warwick report press cuttings were pretty positive. :<hr width="50%" />'''Hugh''' ''(to Ollie)'': I ''am'' desperate, but I don't really want to ''look'' desperate, like Glenn. :'''Glenn''' ''(entering)'': Oh, God, here we go again. Yeah, like Glenn, what? :'''Hugh:''' Well, I was just saying, the last time you saw a snatch was... :'''Ollie:''' ''[[wikipedia:Basic_Instinct|Basic Instinct]]''. :'''Hugh:''' You see, that's good. That's the kind of repartee I need with the PM's wife. It's that final k-tsssss! you see, that's the bit I'm missing. :'''Glenn:''' Yeah, well, I think you could drop the snatch material with the PM's wife, don't you? :'''Hugh:''' Well, OK, between the snatch and the Euro there's some sort of happy medium.<hr width="50%" />'''Malcolm''' ''(on the phone)'': He is not getting anywhere near my fucking pantry, I tell you that. That door is staying as open as a fat whore's bonehole.<hr width="50%" />'''Hugh:''' Sorry I'm late, traffic was an absolute bitch. No offence, Robyn. :<hr width="50%"/> '''Julius:''' It's Paul Webster, US Economics Secretary of State. He's unexpectedly coming over, and the Treasury are hosting a bash for him this evening. Don't tell me you've not been invited. :'''Hugh:''' Yes, no, I have. It's just that I'm actually bashing myself tonight. :'''Julius:''' So you – you've got your own bash here? :'''Hugh:''' Uh yeah. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah. :'''Julius:''' Ah! Back up, everybody, put the brakes on! We've got a bash happening here tonight and at the Treasury? :'''Hugh:''' Yeah. It sounds complicated but I like to, um, maximise my face. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hugh''': ''(telling a joke at his party)'' And Julius, Julius Nicholson, says, ”I'm sorry but I think you'll find you're sitting in my seat.” :''(No one laughs)'' :'''Hugh''': And this was to God, as I mentioned in the setup. Anyway, have a lovely time. ''(to Ollie, whispering)'' A fiver if you set off the sprinklers. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hugh:''' Why didn't you tell me, Glenn? What possible reason did you have? You saw me, I was swinging like a colostomy bag! :'''Glenn:''' Oh, Hugh, grow up! Stuff happens in this department every day, I can't tell you everything! :'''Hugh:''' Since when, Glenn, since when does the Secretary of State for Social Affairs have to find out ''from the fucking press'' that every morning at 8:30 I'm being fisted up to the gallbladder by a bald man? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' Right, guys, thanks very much for staying on. Julius Nicholson, right? :'''Glenn:''' Yep. :'''Malcolm:''' Blue sky thinker? Ex-business guru? Dog rapist? :'''Hugh:''' Quite possibly. :'''Malcolm:''' He's being a nuisance to me; he also has got plans to squeeze ''your'' department so hard you'll be lucky if you're left with one bollock between the three of you. So all I am doing here is asking you, formally, if you will join me in a little bit of a circle jerk. :'''Hugh:''' Circle jerk? What? :'''Ollie:''' It's when a lot of guys in a circle all, you know. ''(to Malcolm)'' Well, I assume you don't mean literally, do you? Presumably? :<hr width="50%" />'''Glenn:''' ''(on the phone to a journalist)'' Yeah I know it's probably bollocks, but that's what we all thought when Jim was up for Home Secretary, and then the next thing you know, he's given up the Colombian marching powder and taken up the sacraments. :<hr width="50%" />'''Malcolm''' ''(arriving at his 8.30 meeting)'': Morning, morning, morning! So what's the story in [[wikipedia:Balamory|Bala-fucking-mory]]? :'''A press officer:''' Reshuffle! :'''Malcolm:''' Excellent! You win a year's supply of condoms, which in your case is four.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Malcolm:''' So how was Cabinet this morning? :'''Hugh:''' It was good. Obviously, with reshuffle coming up, everybody's desperate to impress. Clare went round the room on a unicycle juggling burning kittens, but er – She didn't really, but what she did do was pretty embarrassing. :'''Malcolm:''' OK. :'''Hugh:''' And in terms of shuffle-y stuff, Carol ended up in Neil's seat. What do you think ''that'' means? :'''Malcolm:''' Well, I think that means that Carol wants to be nearer the biscuits, just in case her blood sugar level drops. That woman, she's unbelievable. I have seen her go into second reading debates with Pringles! Her star is somewhat on the wane, I think she's going a bit downward, actually, [[wikipedia:Secretary_of_State_for_Constitutional_Affairs|Constitutional Affairs]]. :'''Hugh:''' Ooh, that's gonna hurt, Constitutional Affairs, that's the [[wikipedia:Geri_Halliwell|Ginger Spice]] of the – :'''Malcolm:''' Of the what, Hugh? Of the what? :'''Hugh:''' Of the Gov– the whole – :'''Malcolm:''' Ginger Spice. Jesus Christ, what – what fucking century are you living in? :'''Hugh:''' There was a fantastic feature about Ginger in the ''[[wikipedia:Heat_(magazine)|Heat]]'' magazine. Apparently she shaves downstairs and she's working for UNICEF or some sort of – :'''Malcolm:''' Hugh, you are talking absolute fucking drivel.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Hugh:''' It looked like Fatty was the one who was on his way out, but now it could just as likely be me. :'''Ollie:''' Well look, Hugh, if you're worried about Fatty we can always start gently briefing against him, I know it's late in the day and, you know, obviously it's not the first thing that we want to be doing – :'''Hugh:''' Yeah, 'Abbot says Fatty's a twat'. Does that make Fatty look like a twat? I think it makes me look like a twat for calling him a twat. :'''Ollie:''' Mm – it doesn't have to be you directly, does it? That's the point. :'''Hugh:''' Robyn? Come on, it's like giving a child a firework. :'''Ollie:''' Well, not Robyn. :'''Hugh:''' Actually that's where your bit of skirt – sorry, whatever the modern – your ho, your ho could actually be quite helpful. If you were just to leave some compromising bits of anti-Fatty documents, you know, just lying by the loo – :'''Ollie:''' Whoa, whoa. Just blatantly using Emma, I'm really not comfortable with that. :'''Hugh:''' Can I remind you, in the last 12 hours you've described her as being 'as mad as a jackdaw on crack', 'castratingly right-wing zealot', and also 'disappointingly below par in the blowjob department', so why the sudden outbreak of principle?<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Glenn:''' Are you still in the frame for ''[[wikipedia:Question_Time_(TV_series)|Question Time]]''? :'''Hugh:''' I am, but I think they're gonna go for Fatty to take advantage of the widescreen option. ''(Ollie laughs.)'' Any, erm – Are there any shuffle-y rumours? :'''Glenn:''' Yeah, yeah. Rob thinks Gerry's got the Foreign Office. :'''Ollie:''' The thing about this, moving offices, just from one place to another, completely different, it's just fucked as a system, isn't it? Because if you – it wouldn't happen in any other job – if you were, you know, Professor of Medieval English in Oxford and you were sitting in your study and somebody came through the door and went, 'Hey, guess what? You're now, er, Professor of Zoology, we want you in the other [[wikipedia:Quadrangle_(architecture)|quad]]', you know, that would be mental, you'd be sitting in a room like a stuffed tit just saying to people, 'How many Os in Zoology? I don't really know, this isn't really my field', and all of that information that you've built up over years and years about [[Geoffrey Chaucer|Chaucer]] or whatever is of absolutely no use to you any more because Chaucer didn't really write about baboons. :'''Hugh:''' Ollie, these are very undergraduate concerns; my point is you don't have to be an expert to make decisions. :'''Glenn:''' That's why you have advisors, you twat. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, I am being serious, Glenn. :'''Glenn:''' Yes, so am I, you are a twat. :'''Hugh:''' I mean, the point is, a lot of knowledge is a dangerous thing. :''(Hugh's office phone rings; Glenn answers it)'' :'''Ollie:''' It's 'a little knowledge is a dangerous thing'. :'''Hugh:''' Well exactly, so a lot of knowledge is ''incredibly'' dangerous. ==Series 2, Episode 3== :''(A few moments ago, Hugh said that he does not want to close down schools for kids with special needs. He is now in his office discussing the Special Needs Bill with Glenn.)'' :'''Hugh:''' Glenn, the Special Needs Bill. With your, you know, particular interest, I can't do this. :'''Glenn:''' You know my views, you know. Inclusion is an illusion. It doesn't work. :'''Hugh:''' But you-you don't mind if I -- if I go ahead with it? :'''Glenn:''' Of course not. You know, look...you're only following orders. :'''Hugh:''' Oh, thanks. So you won't make me feel bad except by comparing me to a concentration camp guard? :'''Glenn:''' No. Right. Yeah. :'''Hugh:''' Now, tomorrow. Select Committee, that's Ballantine, isn't it? :''(But before Hugh and Glenn can continue discussing the Special Needs Bill, Ollie barges in and interrupts.)'' :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Hugh and Glenn)'' Sorry, I'm sorry to interrupt. Who wants to go and watch Bollockvision? :'''Hugh:''' Bollockvision? :'''Ollie:''' Mr. Malcolm Tucker, turning it all the way up to eleven, down in the lobby. Come and have a look. :''(They all go out onto the balcony. On the other side of the atrium, on their floor, Malcolm is shouting at another Minister.)'' :'''Hugh:''' Oh, poor Keith. Malcolm must fucking love this place: Four ministers in one building. It's his dream, a one-stop bollock-shop. :'''Glenn:''' Trouble is, we're gonna be getting some of that in about an hour. :'''Hugh:''' Yeah. I don't know which is worse, watching him slowly rumble towards you like prostate cancer, or him appearing suddenly out of nowhere like a severe stroke. :''(Terri, whose father died after a stroke, turns towards Hugh.)'' :'''Hugh:''' Oh. How's your sister coping? <hr width="50%"/> :''(The Department of Social Affairs has been renamed "The Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship" -- DoSAC for short.)'' :'''Glenn:''' So, Hugh, this -- this new word, 'Citizenship.' Did the PM actually outline what it entails? :'''Hugh:''' Well, to be honest, I think he was making the reshuffle up as he-as he went along, and I think we were very lucky that 'Citizenship' was the first word that sprang to mind. Otherwise we could be the Department for Social Affairs and Woodland Folk. :'''Ollie:''' See, the problem is, though, Hugh, that there's been a bit of a rush with you not in place. Uh, you know, every department trying to unload all the stuff that they didn't want. But it's been like somebody driving a lorry down Whitehall, shouting "Bring out your shit." And they have and it's ended up at our door. :'''Hugh:''' So what are we getting? :'''Ollie:''' Citizenship basically involves, uh, cutting pensions to the Ghurkhas, rejigging the protocols for a rabies outbreak, some crap from Health about long-term care for the elderly that neither they nor we have any real idea about. :'''Glenn:''' And what to do with the Isle of Man. :'''Hugh:''' ''(annoyed)'' Just what I fucking need. Five new ways to lose my job. :''(Hugh then starts eyeing a plant that he's just noticed is right next to his desk.)'' :'''Hugh:''' Where did that come from? :'''Ollie:''' Oh, Malcolm sent that. :'''Hugh:''' It's far too big. Why-why did he send it? :'''Ollie:''' Uh, office warming present. :'''Hugh:''' So why did he send us a present? :'''Ollie:''' I don't know. :'''Hugh:''' Has Security checked this? :'''Ollie:''' What for? Tiny little terrorists? :'''Hugh:''' Yes. :'''Ollie:''' ''(annoyed)'' It's a plant! Yes?! :'''Hugh:''' ''(moving on)'' Okay, so...citizenshit. What we need to do is knock together some nice, touchy-feely, fondley, sneaky, hand-in-the-bra sort of policies. :'''Glenn:''' New bicycles for special constables, that sort of thing? :'''Hugh:''' Yeah. :'''Ollie:''' Making special needs kids clean up graffiti? :'''Hugh:''' ''(displeased)'' Yeah, that's just very mean. :'''Ollie:''' Well, yes. Not, of course, as mean as making them spell "graffiti." That genuinely is very mean. :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Hugh, calmly but not happily)'' I'll go and have a word with Malcolm. :'''Ollie:''' Okay. :''(After Glenn leaves the office, Hugh tries to reprimand Ollie for making a joke about special needs kids.)'' :'''Hugh:''' You just took a shit with your clothes on, Ollie. :'''Ollie:''' Why? :'''Hugh:''' Glenn's boy, Peter. He went to a special needs school. :'''Ollie:''' Oh. :'''Hugh:''' Yep. :'''Ollie:''' ...Glenn's had sex? :'''Hugh:''' God, you're such a prick, Ollie. :'''Ollie:''' It's just a joke! :'''Hugh:''' There's more to life, you know, than drinks parties at the Foreign Office and having [[wikipedia:Nick_Robinson_(journalist)|Nick Robinson]]'s mobile number on your fucking BlackBerry! :'''Ollie:''' Yes. All right, all right, fine. Sorry, Hugh. I feel for the guy. I had a girlfriend with special needs once, so I know. ''(smiles smugly)'' Luckily, I was able to fulfill them. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm joins Glenn and Hugh in the office.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' So did you enjoy the show? :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Malcolm, jokingly)'' You were magnificent, darling. :'''Hugh:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Yeah, should I phone Keith so that I can get his team to watch you bollock me now? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Hugh)'' No no no no. Have I got my bollocking face on? :'''Hugh:''' Well... :'''Malcolm:''' No. This is my bollocking face? :''(Malcolm shows Hugh his infamous "bollocking stare.")'' :'''Hugh:''' Oh, crikey, yes. Thanks for the pot plant, by the way. :'''Malcolm:''' Did I send that? :'''Hugh:''' As an office warming present. :'''Malcolm:''' Christ, she's a ''great'' P.A., isn't she, Sam? :'''Hugh:''' Yeah. :'''Malcolm:''' She always remembers the little people. ''(looking at the plant)'' Look at the size of that. Fuck, you could fucking crucify somebody on that. ''(back to Glenn and Hugh)'' So what do you think of the new building, eh? :'''Hugh:''' Yeah, I can't wait to move upstairs, actually, because I don't really like the glass walls on-on, on this floor. I just feel a bit exposed. :'''Glenn:''' Like a whore in a Reeperbahn window. :'''Terri:''' ''(on the phone, calling out to Glenn)'' Glenn, it's Ollie. He wants you to go through and clarify the Citizenship brief. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Terri)'' How much, love? :'''Terri:''' Sorry? :'''Glenn:''' Okay, I'm on it. :'''Hugh:''' ''(to Glenn)'' I'll catch you later. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Hugh, smiling)'' I like your tan, by the way. :'''Hugh:''' Thank you. :'''Malcolm:''' Have you declared it? Staying at the villa of an influential friend? :'''Hugh:''' I-I haven't got any influential friends, Malcolm. You are my only influential friend. :'''Malcolm:''' Oh yeah. And I'm not really your friend. :'''Hugh:''' You're not really my friend. :'''Malcolm:''' So this, uh, Super Schools Bill... :'''Hugh:''' Yep. :'''Malcolm:''' You don't think it's so super, do you? :''(Malcolm gives Hugh the "bollocking stare." Again.)'' :'''Hugh:''' You're doing it now. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(unflinching)'' What? :'''Hugh:''' That's your bollocking face. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm and Hugh are now discussing -- or is it arguing over? -- the Super Schools Bill.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' You know, it's great that you get all misty-eyed over Glenn's kid. But no one's trying to fuck over special needs kids. :'''Hugh:''' R-Really? Really? Before I went away, I consulted an expert, Mark-Mark Ryan, and he... :'''Malcolm:''' The LSE education guy? And what did that sandal-wearing nonce have to say? :'''Hugh:''' What he said was that closing down special needs schools and putting needy kids into mainstream education is a lousy idea! :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, but I've got an expert who will ''deny'' that. :'''Hugh:''' And SEN parents want the special schools kept open. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well, my-my expert would totally oppose that. :'''Hugh:''' Who is your expert? :'''Malcolm:''' I have no idea, but I can get one by this afternoon. You see, the thing is you have spoken to the wrong expert. You've got to ask the right expert. And you've got to know what an expert's going to advise you before he advises you. Hugh, whether you like this or not, you are gonna have to promote this bill. So what I'm gonna do is -- I'm gonna get you another expert, yeah? :'''Hugh:''' ''(reluctantly)'' OK. <hr width="50%"/> :''(And so, on Malcolm's say-so, Hugh and Glenn are now meeting with Mr. Roy Smedley, a special needs children expert, to discuss the inclusion of special needs kids in mainstream schools.)'' :'''Hugh:''' But surely, Mr. Smedley, inclusion has been shown to fail the most vulnerable SEN children. :'''Roy Smedley:''' When inclusion's done badly, yes. Yes, uh, you're gonna get bad results. I mean, that's a given. :'''Glenn:''' ''(wearily)'' Inclusion is an illusion. :'''Hugh:''' Mark-Mark Ryan from the LSE was saying that when the special schools do get it right, that the parents of SEN children absolutely fucking flock to... :'''Roy Smedley:''' You spoke to Mark Ryan? :'''Hugh:''' Yeah, well, some expert advice, so... :'''Roy Smedley:''' ''(mockingly)'' OK. Expert advice from Mark Ryan? :'''Hugh:''' Yeah. You have a problem with Mark Ryan? :'''Roy Smedley:''' In educational circles, he's-he's a bit of a joke. That's another given. :'''Hugh:''' Is it? :''(Suddenly, Hugh's computer beeps with an e-mail alert.)'' :'''Glenn:''' ''(responding to the alert)'' Ah, sorry. It's just that I'm expecting, uh, something quite important. :'''Hugh:''' Is our-Is our e-mail up and running? :'''Glenn:''' No. No, no, this is my hotmail. :'''Hugh:''' ''(to Roy Smedley)'' Can you-Sorry, can you excuse me just, um... :''(Roy doesn't mind Hugh being a moment. BUT...Hugh sneaks over to Terri's desk computer since she's not at her desk. Hugh then sends an e-mail to Glenn...or at least who he thinks is HIS pal, Glenn Cullen. The e-mail says "Christ Alive! What a cunt !!!" While Hugh does this despicable thing, Roy continues talking to Glenn.)'' :'''Roy Smedley:''' ''(to Glenn)'' We live in an inclusive society, am I right? I mean, we-we all rub shoulders together, Mr. Cullen? :'''Glenn:''' Indeed. :'''Roy Smedley:''' So let's not let the Mark Ryans of this world create... :'''Glenn:''' Sorry? :'''Roy Smedley:''' ...apartheid for children. The alternative is to isolate these kids in ghetto schools. :'''Glenn:''' The minister won't be a moment. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Robyn, Ollie and Terri are looking at the atrium of the new building from their floor.)'' :'''Ollie:''' Good spot for a suicide, this, I would think: good long drop, appreciative audience. :'''Robyn:''' What if you just broke your back? You know, you'd be paralysed for life and then you'd still be depressed about the thing that was depressing you in the first place. :'''Terri:''' What are these, um, hangy-down things? :'''Ollie:''' Oh, they're [[wikipedia:Sound_baffle#Interior_sound_baffle_design|acoustic baffles]], they stop it getting too echoey in here. :'''Robyn:''' So when you're breaking your back, nobody can hear you screaming? :'''Ollie:''' Well, that is the kind of attention to detail that you get in a [[wikipedia:Private_finance_initiative|PFI]] building. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(spotting them from the ground floor)'' ''HEY! GET BACK TO WORK, ALL OF YOU!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''(Hugh has privately admitted to Terri that he sent the sweary email from her account.)'' :'''Terri:''' Now Hugh, are you going to do the right thing, are you going to admit to this publicly? :'''Hugh:''' Are you – What? No! Are you mad? I can't do that, that ''mustn't'' happen! ''You've'' got – I ''need'' you, to – :'''Terri:''' What, to lie? :'''Hugh:''' I think it was [[Jacques Derrida|Derrida]] who said there is no such thing as actual ''empirical'' truth, but only – :'''Terri:''' Yeah, ''I'll'' tell you what Derrida said, he said, 'Go fuck your face, Abbot!' :''(Terri tries to storm out of the door, but only belatedly notices the exit switch)'' :'''Hugh:''' You need to mind your language, it just will keep getting you into trouble. :'''Terri:''' ''(finally opening the door)'' I can't even get out the fucking room! ''(storms out)'' <hr width="50%"/> :''(Hugh and Glenn return from their Education Select Committee appearance.)'' :'''Ollie:''' How was that? :'''Hugh:''' I lied to the Select Committee. I lied! Is Tucker in the building? :'''Ollie:''' Malcolm in the Middle. :'''Hugh:''' What? :'''Ollie:''' It's just what they're calling him now, 'cause he can stand in the middle of the atrium and just shout at all the departments. :'''Hugh:''' Well I don't want to see him, not at the moment, I can't take one of his scenes from The Exorcist just now. :'''Glenn:''' Look, I don't think Ballentine's on to anything. :'''Hugh:''' Oh no? No? Well, why did she keep asking, 'Just one expert? Only one? Not two experts? Less than three but not two?' The fucking bitch. :'''Glenn:''' It's her style, look, she's just trying to throw you off balance like a sumo wrestler. :'''Hugh:''' Well it worked: there I was on the floor in a big fucking nappy. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hugh''': Christ Malcolm, how do you appear out of nowhere in a building made entirely out of glass? :'''Malcolm:''' I'm a shape-shifter. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hugh''': It's going to be like sitting on a tea crate, having chicken shit sprayed all over me. <hr width="50%"/> :'''A civil servant:''' I'm sorry, can you stop swearing please? :'''Malcolm:''' I'm really sorry, you won't hear any more swearing from us, YOU MASSIVE, GAY, ''SHITE!!! FUCK OFF!'' ''(to Ollie)'' Right, how are you doing in sorting out whether or not he lied or not, are you OK? :'''Ollie:''' Pretty well, yeah. :'''Malcolm:''' Is that a lie? :'''Ollie:''' Yeah. :'''Malcolm:''' That is not fucking funny, you retard. I'm sorry about that, Glenn. The situation just – <hr width="50%"/> :'''Claire Ballentine:''' Are you lying to me now about not lying to me before? :'''Hugh:''' No, I am not a liar. I categorically did not knowingly not tell the truth, even though unknowingly I might not have done. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hugh:''' I don't know what else can go wrong now. Unless the flexible energy system sets fire to my office and then puts it out by squirting liquefied human shit through the ceiling sprinklers. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm''': Hey, I'm going to have a swear box installed on Monday. :'''Hugh''': What? :'''Malcolm''': Fucking joking, you twat! I'm on turbo. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Terri)'' God, right, okay, well, seein' as you're not used to this, I'll go through it for you, okay? What happens at a press conference is this. A bunch of press people are gonna appear, they've got things called cameras and microphones and mobile phones and hangovers and bad breath. Then you are gonna walk out and you're gonna read from what we call a "prepared statement". In that you will say, "I'm really fucking sorry for sounding like a hairy-arsed docker after twelve pints. I promise that I will never call an 8-year-old girl a cunt again. Can we now just draw a line over this, and fucking move on. Thank you". Everybody goes home and then we wait and we see what happens. The best case is you get to keep your job, although you will forever be known as the Sweary Woman of Whitehall.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Ollie''' ''(on the phone to a man he can see in a glass office)'': Yes, but you can't just dump rabies on us because you don't want it. You're Health, that's your job! You should have rabies. Health should have rabies, right? ''(sees the man mime fellatio)'' Oh right, yeah, fine. OK. So we're gonna have to swallow this one, but if we have to deal with a rabies outbreak we're gonna do it so fucking well, you're gonna be frothing at the mouth – yeah, twice! ''(hangs up)'' You prick!<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Hugh:''' First day back from holiday, tanned, tawdry and cheap. I feel like something out of ''[[wikipedia:Footballers'_Wives|Footballers' Wives]]''. :'''Glenn:''' How do you know about ''Footballers' Wives''? :'''Hugh:''' Ollie told me. They all live in Chelmsford, have names like Madison and Chutney, they're an orange colour and they've got thongs up their cracks. ==The Rise Of The Nutters== :''(In the opening scene of this episode, Ollie Reeder and his girlfriend, Emma Messenger, are walking down the street together in the morning. Ollie and Emma are on opposite sides of the British political spectrum. Nevertheless, the two of them are enjoying some good-natured banter talking about their party leaders.)'' :'''Ollie:''' I'm extremely impressed. I'm highly impressed that you're going to see the leader of your party. :'''Emma Messenger:''' Good. You should be impressed. :'''Ollie:''' Although, ultimately, the leader of your party is just a man, really, isn't he? He's just a guy. :'''Emma:''' Ah, now that's a good point, actually, because yours on the other hand is... :'''Ollie:''' No no no no. Mine is... :'''Emma:''' What? :'''Ollie:''' ...the leader of the country also. What I'm saying is ''if'' we were playing Top Trumps, which we kind of are... :'''Emma:''' Oh, cor, we absolutely are, Ollie. :'''Ollie:''' I win. :'''Emma:''' Right. So it's Ben Swain Day today, is it? :'''Ollie:''' Yes. A Nutter in our midst. A junior minister for me to push around, you know. That's nice, isn't it? A bit more power for me. :'''Emma:''' You are an extremely powerful man, Ollie. :'''Ollie:''' Very powerful, very attractive sexually, due to all this power. :''(As Ollie and Emma get to Government Headquarters, they are met up with Malcolm and Jamie.)'' :'''Jamie:''' Hey, Poxbridge! :'''Malcolm:''' Hello! :'''Jamie:''' Hey, dickhead! Happy New Queer! :'''Malcolm:''' I'm really sorry, but I – don't be so offensive. I do apologise for my friend's behaviour. Did you have a nice Poof-mas? :'''Ollie:''' What are you two, um, doing round Richmond Terrace then? :'''Jamie:''' Oh, we're slumming it. Just going to see Julius, the big baldy ballbag. ''(to Emma)'' You must be, you, what is it? Gemma? Gemma? :'''Emma:''' Emma. It's Emma. :'''Jamie:''' Emma. Hi, Emma. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' What are you doing down here? :'''Ollie:''' I'm babysitting Ben Swain for the day. :'''Malcolm:''' Could you water my spider plants in my office as well? ''(to Emma)'' He's very good with the watering can. Very very bright lad. Homemaker. :''(And with that, Ollie and Emma share a rather awkward goodbye -- WITH NO KISS!)'' :'''Emma:''' I'll see you later. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, see you later. ''(Ollie rushes inside to catch up with Jamie and Malcolm.)'' <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm and Jamie are busting Ollie's chops about his relationship with Emma.)'' :'''Jamie:''' ''(to Ollie)'' So, the girlfriend, she-she doesn't mind the whole, uh, you being gay thing? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Did you take her home for Christmas? :'''Ollie:''' No. God, no. I couldn't do that. :'''Malcolm:''' Oh no, you couldn't do that, 'cause she wouldn't fit in. 'Cause you're that right dyed-in-the-wool working class, aren't you? She's probably allergic to pit ponies. <hr width="50%"/> :''(In this scene, Peter Mannion, the Leader of the Opposition, is having a chat with his adviser, Phil Smith. As they're entering Opposition Headquarters, Peter and Phil are discussing Emma's relationship with Ollie...and Phil just happens to be Emma's roommate.)'' :'''Peter Mannion:''' Are they actually sleeping together? :'''Phil Smith:''' Yes, yeah. In the flat. :'''Peter:''' Do you think she's on top or, what-what do you hear? :'''Phil:''' Well, I hear her say, "How do you like it?" And he'll say, "I've got to page Tucker." :'''Peter:''' Oh, God. ''(beat)'' Have I shaved properly? It's just we're-we're having the bathroom done and I was in the kitchen this morning using the kettle as a mirror. :'''Phil:''' No, you're very smooth. So it's a chrome kettle, then? :'''Peter:''' You've been watching ''[[wikipedia:CSI|CSI]]'' again, haven't you? :''(As Peter and Phil are walking up the stairs, they are joined by Emma, who is also Peter's advisor.)'' :'''Emma:''' Morning. :'''Phil:''' ''(to Emma)'' Oh, hello. How was sleeping with the enemy? :'''Emma:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Oh, hilarious. I forgot how funny you were. :''(The three of them are nearing the office...)'' :'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' What time are you seeing Stewart? :'''Emma:''' It'll be in about half an hour. What about you? :'''Peter:''' ''(groaning)'' Oh, I'll be last in. He's punishing me for standing against JB in the leadership contest by putting me in the [[wikipedia:Ryanair|Ryanair]] queue. :'''Emma:''' Come on, he got you that terrific photo op with the, uh, wind turbine thing on your house, remember? :'''Peter:''' Yes, and it cost me 12 grand. And I have to pay for the electricity bill to keep the bugger turning because, of course, there's no wind in the valley, I have to plug it in. But my next door neighbor has an England flag that just hangs there limply while my turbine mysteriously whizzes around. :'''Phil:''' Could turn the turbine round so it blows his flag. :''(Peter, Emma and Phil finally sit down.)'' :'''Phil:''' Right. What's up first, then, Peter? :'''Emma:''' While we're here, we could bat a few ideas around. :'''Peter:''' He wants something fluffy for the speech, does he? Environment? Tax breaks for aromatherapists? SatNav for asylum seekers? :'''Phil:''' Well, I was thinking about a departmental blog. :'''Peter:''' ''(groaning again)'' Oh, God. Really? :'''Phil:''' I could actually do the..the writing bit of it, because you wouldn't have time. :'''Peter:''' Well, I mean, I might as well, I've knack all else to do. ''(Peter turns to Phil)'' Though, um...to be honest, you-you sort it out. :'''Phil:''' I thought we could have like a guest book so that, kind of, you know, readers can kind of leave their comments. :'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' Are you sure? Have you ever Googled your own name? It's like opening a door to a room where everyone tells you how shit you are. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm, Jamie and Ollie are walking up the stairs to the offices at Government HQ, discussing Ben Swain.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Where's [[wikipedia:My Little Pony|My Little Phony?]] Ben Swain. What's his ''[[wikipedia:Newsnight|Newsnight]]'' angle gonna be, then? :'''Ollie:''' Ben? Ben is going on Newsnight? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(chuckling)'' Oh, you're a right little West Winger, you, aren't you? They're cutting you out of the loop already? :'''Ollie:''' Well, I'll check who the presenter is and obviously... :'''Jamie:''' The presenter is Newsbot 3.2. He's a nobody. He's a fucking scorch mark. :'''Malcolm:''' Paxo's in Kenya fly-fishing with [[wikipedia:Stephen Fry|Stephen Fry]] or whatever the fuck it is he does. Kirsty is sobering up in Kilmarnock with her gran, so she's out of the picture. :'''Ollie:''' Well, I'll just check the lines with Pat Morrissey, then. And then we'll... :'''Jamie:''' Pat Morrissey? :'''Ollie:''' Yeah. :'''Jamie:''' Her? What, Fat Pat? :'''Ollie:''' Yeah. :'''Jamie:''' "Pumpkin Tits?" :'''Ollie:''' Yeah. Pat and, uh, Communications have asked that everything be double-ticked through her from now. ''(to Malcolm)'' I mean, you get a tick as well. Obviously. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Oh well, well obviously! Yes, that's-that's very very nice and that's very fucking big of them! I get a tick! :'''Ollie:''' So I mean, it's, it's two ticks for a, uh, a green light, basically, that's the system. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(beside himself)'' Pat Morrissey. Communications is full of Nutters these days. :'''Jamie:''' Soon as the PM said he'd be gone inside a year, the Nutters start popping up like [[wikipedia:Melanoma|mela-fucking-noma]]. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' See you later. See you in a tick. :'''Jamie:''' ''(to Ollie)'' What about you? You're not a Nutter, are you? :'''Ollie:''' I-I'm not a Nutter, Jamie. I'm...I'm a nipper. :''(Ollie then bumps into Terri.)'' :'''Ollie:''' Hey, Terri! :'''Terri:''' Hi, Ollie, Happy New Year! :'''Ollie:''' How was Christmas? :'''Terri:''' Oh, you know... :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, I know, yeah. Six pairs of socks, three Harry Potter omnibuses. All that "I thought you were taking the giblets out. Don't give Nan any more Baileys. She's only got the one pad with her." ''(Ollie follows Terri into an office.)'' Every bloody year. :'''Terri:''' Yeah, well, you know, just me and Mum in the care home. :'''Ollie:''' Right. Jesus...So, eh, Ben on ''Newsnight?'' :'''Terri:''' Ben Swain's going on ''Newsnight?'' :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, yeah. Oh, God, thank God you didn't know, either. I thought it was just me. :'''Terri:''' Oh no no no. I did know about that, actually. :'''Ollie:''' Well, why did you say it like that, then? "Ben Swain's going on ''Newsnight?''" :'''Terri:''' You're just out of the loop. I'm very well wired into the Tommists. :'''Ollie:''' ''(laughing)'' Nobody calls them Tommists. They're Nutters, Terri. Nobody calls them Tommists. :'''Terri:''' ''(dead serious)'' I don't like that word. My sister works in mental health. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Ben Swain, the Junior Minister that Ollie is "babysitting," arrives at the office.)'' :'''Ben Swain:''' Morning, all! :'''Terri:''' Benjamin! Happy New Year! :'''Ollie:''' Ben! Big Ben, Ben-Benji, Beno, Benj. :'''Ben:''' Happy New Year to you as well. :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ben)'' These are the briefing notes. :'''Ben:''' Ah, splendid. I'll file these directly in the shredder. Thank you, Glenn. :''(Ben, Glenn and Ollie enter an office.)'' :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ben)'' If you just, uh, stick to what's in there, you'll be all right. Just remember, you're the night watchman, all right? :'''Ben:''' Yes, well, I like to think of myself as more, perhaps, I don't know, an elected MP than a night watchman, Glenn. But thank you very much for everything, I'll be fine without you holding my hand. You enjoy your weekend cottaging in Wales or whatever it is you're up to. :''(Ollie picks up a copy of Ben's upcoming book, which is called, "It's the Everything, Stupid: How to Get Ahead in Modern Politics.")'' :'''Ollie:''' ''(impressed)'' This is looking good. When is it coming out? :'''Ben:''' End of the, end of the week. You'll be able to make the launch party? :'''Terri:''' ''(to Ben)'' Great title. :'''Ben:''' Thank you. :'''Ollie:''' And have you written it yourself or was it ghosted by, uh... :'''Ben:''' By [[wikipedia:Victoria Beckham|Victoria Beckham]]? No, everything in there is entirely-entirely written by me, I think you'll find. Yes. :'''Ollie:''' There you go, you have hidden talents. :'''Ben:''' Anyone heard from "The Hughster?" :'''Terri:''' Yes, he's suffering from jet lag. :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Ben)'' Have you ever been to Australia? :'''Ben:''' No. Why would I want to go there? Full of people in khaki, squinting. Just the world's largest collection of poisonous things. :'''Ollie:''' Oh, yeah. God, yeah. If you want to stick around with poisonous snakes, you might as well stay here. :''(Awkward silence occurs after Ollie's stupid attempt at a joke.)'' :'''Ollie:''' ''(jokingly)'' Throw a blanket on me, I'm on fire. :'''Ben:''' Heh-heh, good. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Before Glenn heads off to Wales, he gives Ollie some last-minute instructions for babysitting Ben.)'' :'''Glenn:''' Listen, Ollie. We may be babysitting a Nutter. He may look like a Womble, but he's got Nutter eyes and Nutter ears. So, keep an eye on him. :'''Ollie:''' All right, the minute any chicken blood turns up on the paperwork, I'll be straight on to you, don't worry. :'''Glenn:''' Right, I'm off to Wales and the late 1950s. :''(Terri blows Glenn a friendly kiss goodbye.)'' :'''Ollie:''' Happy trails. <hr width="50%"/> :''(As Peter is waiting to meet with Stewart -- still -- he has a conversation with Phil about his upcoming holiday.)'' :'''Peter:''' ''(coughing)'' Oh, I can't get rid of this. :'''Phil:''' I bet you're looking forward to your holiday. :'''Peter:''' Well, yeah. I mean, obviously, I'm not flying abroad anywhere, because... :'''Phil:''' Carbon. :'''Peter:''' No, bathroom. I'm supervising the doing up of my bathroom. :'''Phil:''' ''(looking at two lamps)'' What is that? :'''Peter:''' It's just – :'''Phil:''' Is that raffia? :'''Peter:''' He's discovered IKEA, hasn't he? :'''Phil:''' It's all for show. They want to look modern, like they appeal to the kind of people who go to IKEA. :'''Peter:''' I'm modern! I say 'black' instead of 'coloured', I think women are a good thing, I have no problem with gays. Most of them are very well turned out, especially the men. :'''Phil:''' I know. :'''Peter:''' Why is it, this last year, I'm being made to feel as if I'm always two steps behind, like I can't program the video or convert everything back to [[wikipedia:£sd|old money]]? Because that's not me! :'''Phil:''' ''(confused)'' You've still got a video? :'''Peter:''' I'm a one-nation party. :''(And now, it's time to meet Stewart Pearson, the Director of Communications for the Opposition. Stewart and Emma are sharing a laugh as she's leaving his office. Now, Stewart is ready to see Peter.)'' :'''Stewart Pearson:''' ''(smiling)'' Ah, Peter. Dr. Stewart will see you now, hey? I could hear you coughing in there. Is that your contribution to the meeting? :'''Emma:''' ''(to Peter)'' You all right? :'''Peter:''' Yes, okay. You know, it's just hanging around. :'''Stewart:''' Yeah, I'm sorry to keep you hanging about, but you know, right now all the...all the big priority stuff is the big party stuff. :'''Peter:''' I was talking about the cold hanging around. :'''Stewart:''' Oh, right. ''(Stewart heads back into his office.)'' Thanks very much, Em. :''(As Peter goes into Stewart's office for a chat, Phil asks Emma about her meeting.)'' :'''Phil:''' Was that fun there? :'''Emma:''' Yeah, it was useful. :'''Phil:''' Playing with the big boys? :'''Emma:''' Yeah. Now I'm back with the little boys, huh? :'''Phil:''' No. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Stewart and Peter start their chat.)'' :'''Stewart:''' So. How are you, then? :'''Peter:''' ''(nodding)'' Fine, I'm-I'm fine. :'''Stewart:''' Good, superb, because the reason I've asked you in -- I mean, firstly, just to say, "Hi, how are you?"... :'''Peter:''' Still fine. :'''Stewart:''' Then, this photo call this afternoon, "100 Days of the New Leader." We've got you a Paul Smith suit. I did think about Vivienne Westwood or...Well, it was just too expensive. And, oh, and a Ted Baker... ''(Stewart pulls out a pinkish-looking shirt with stripes on it.)'' Ted Baker shirt, right? No tie, we're thinking open-necked look might be good. :'''Peter:''' But I'm already wearing a suit and, controversially, a tie. :'''Stewart:''' Yeah, absolutely, sure. But frankly, you know, it all looks a bit '80s, you know? [[wikipedia:Robert Palmer|Robert Palmer]], Sink the Belgrano, that kind of vibe. We think this is better, it's modern, it's sharp, it's slimming. Try it on. :'''Peter:''' ''(in amused disbelief)'' Is this a joke? :'''Stewart:''' Try the suit on. :''(Moments later, Stewart makes Peter change into a different suit and shirt.)'' :'''Stewart:''' Just wondering whether you're fully conversant with the new line, whether you're really up to speed? :'''Peter:''' Well, I don't know. Am I? Because, uh, I get people stopping me in the streets and saying, 'Are you still for locking up yobbos?', and I say, 'Yeah, of course we are.' And then I think, 'Well, are we?' Because maybe I missed a memo from you. Maybe I should understand yobbos now, or not even call them yobbos, call them 'young men with issues around stabbing.' ''(awkward silence)'' No tie, you say? :'''Stewart:''' No tie. :'''Peter:''' Quite a nice suit, actually. :'''Stewart:''' So, we were thinking...Shirt outside the trousers. :'''Peter:''' Outside? Not tuck my shirt in? :'''Stewart:''' Yeah. :'''Peter:''' I always tuck my shirt in, it's part of getting dressed. What, should I not do my flies up either? Let the old chap flop out. Is that modern enough for you? :'''Stewart:''' Just try it, Peter. Not the cock out, but just the shirt thing. :'''Peter:''' ''(untucking his shirt)'' I'm from a generation of men, Stewart, who tuck their shirts in. I've done it since I was a boy, I was told off for ''not'' doing it. :'''Stewart:''' Oh God, no, you were right. Sorry, no, tuck it in. You look like you've been startled by a fire alarm. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm and Jamie enter Ben's office. Time to discuss Ben's upcoming appearance as Jeremy Paxman's guest on Newsnight.)'' :'''Jamie:''' Mr. Swain. :'''Ben:''' Jamie. :'''Malcolm:''' Good morning, Ben. :'''Ben:''' Morning, Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to 2 office workers)'' Off you two fuck. :''(The 2 workers leave Ben's office.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Right, Ben, heard the big news about [[wikipedia:Jeremy_Paxman|Paxo]]. :'''Ben:''' Oh right. :'''Malcolm:''' What was it you did in your gap year again? :'''Ben:''' Um, Interrailing, month on a kibbutz – :'''Malcolm:''' Did you ever travel, like, 100 miles per hour, head-first through a tunnel full of pig shit? Because that's what's gonna happen to you tonight with Paxman, ''unless'', unless...you listen to us. :'''Jamie:''' He will eat you up, sick you out and grout his fucking wet room with you. :'''Ben:''' Yeah, I have been interviewed on television before, thank you very much. :'''Malcolm:''' Who? :'''Ben:''' [[wikipedia:George_Alagiah|George Alagiah]]. :'''Jamie:''' Yeah? Do you know what they call him? Easy George. :'''Malcolm:''' This is Paxo. What are you gonna do when he pulls that big rubbery horse-face of mock-incredulity at you? :'''Ben:''' Yes, look, we know the cheat codes for Paxman now, don't we? That old aggressive style of his is just old school. All you need to do, you play the honest, the Honest Joe just trying to humbly get your point across and... :'''Jamie:''' ''(pulling up a chair)'' Let's see you do your stuff, Mr. Television, huh? :''(Jamie is pretending to be Jeremy Paxman on Newsnight, asking Ben questions.)'' :'''Jamie:''' ''(As Paxo)'' Immigration is in disarray. What are ''you'' going to do about it? :'''Ben:''' Well, first of all, I would have to take issue with your contention that immigration is in... :'''Jamie:''' Oh, answer the question, you fat fuck! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Phil and Emma are home in their flat -- discussing Ollie.)'' :'''Phil:''' Why the fuck do you have to keep inviting him round here? :'''Emma:''' Oh, are you a bit jealous? :'''Phil:''' Of [[wikipedia:Gerald_Home|the man]] from the Mr Muscle adverts? No, I just think it's just unreasonable that I have to watch what I'm gonna say in my own flat; I mean, you could at least give me warning if he's coming round or something. :'''Emma:''' I tell you what, I'll put a sex grid on the fridge. :'''Phil:''' Oh, yeah. :'''Emma:''' So that you can have dates and stuff: I'll put an A4 piece of paper for me up, and maybe you could have half a post-it note? You could share it with Affers, maybe. :'''Phil:''' Yeah. Have to write really small, though, I've slept with three women in – :'''Ollie:''' ''(returning from the toilet)'' Your life? :'''Phil:''' Yes. :''(Ollie laughs)''<hr width="50%" /> :''(Ollie, Emma, and Phil are watching Ben Swain's [[wikipedia:Newsnight|Newsnight]] interview together. Malcolm, who is also watching from his office, is on the phone to Jamie, who is watching Ben from inside the studio.)'' :'''Emma:''' What's he doing with his eyes? :'''Ollie:''' Oh my God. He's got a nervous blink. :'''Malcolm:''' That's a mega blink! It's not just ''a'' blink. :'''Ollie:''' He looks like what happens when you punch a cow. ''(impersonates a cow mooing in pain)'' :'''Phil:''' Oh my God, this is like watching a lion rape a sheep, but in a bad way. :'''Jamie:''' The cameramen are laughing. :'''Ollie:''' 'J-j-j-j-just'! :'''Emma:''' Stop him, stop him! :'''Ollie:''' He spelled 'just' with four Js! :'''Malcolm:''' He's like a chicken, he's like an enormous chicken! :'''Phil:''' It's just one word he's been saying, which is basically ''(gibberish)''. :'''Jamie:''' Well, what about the coalface? :'''Malcolm:''' Pull it, puncture his lifebelt. Pull it, give him the signal. If he shits, I'll give you 500 quid.<hr width="50%" /> :''(After Ben Swain's interview)'' :'''Ollie:''' Well he certainly looked like a Nutter. :'''Emma:''' He looked like that little guy on the green that shouts 'You're an Arab' at everyone. :'''Phil:''' It's a tough day tomorrow, picking bits of Ben out of Malcolm's car. :'''Ollie:''' He didn't mention the coalface idea. <hr width="50%" /> :'''Jamie:''' ''(to Ben, in the car back from the studio)'' You don't deserve to ''live!'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Peter:''' How is my blog? My own personal blog, personally written by me? :''(they all go to the computer)'' :'''Phil:''' There we go. :'''Emma:''' Oh, brilliant. :'''Phil:''' Yesterday you liked the leader's speech, it was bold and courageous and sent out the right signals, and you had a fruit lunch. :'''Peter:''' Oh, I write very well. What's the feedback like? :'''Phil:''' Pretty good. Let's see on this page here. Here we go. :'''Peter:''' "I don't trust you, you Cypriot crook." :'''Phil:''' What? :'''Peter:''' Cypriot? This is the shit room. You've opened the shit room door. :'''Emma:''' Oh come on, that's not too bad. :'''Peter:''' "How are the maintenance payments going on your bastard?" Christ, that was twelve years ago! :'''Phil:''' I hadn't seen that one. :'''Peter:''' "Adulterous Nazi"? :'''Phil:''' Or that one. :'''Emma:''' That's actually I think the same one. :'''Peter:''' This is the trouble with the public, they're fucking horrible. :'''Emma:''' Peter, you really – you can't say the public are fucking horrible. :'''Peter:''' Yes I can, I've met them. "You've always got such a pained expression. Do you take it up the chutney?" Really? I mean, for God's sake. :'''Emma:''' The chutney? :'''Peter:''' Yes, it's up the arse. :'''Emma:''' See this: I still don't understand why people do this 'h8' thing. If you're going to leave a message, I mean, at least spell it correctly.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Phil:''' What the fuck was that all about? You know, nicking the other lot's ideas? :'''Emma:''' You jumped straight on the bandwagon, you hypocrite. :'''Phil:''' You started it. You know, at least I'm not nicking my boyfriend's ideas. :'''Emma:''' You sanctimonious twat! Jesus, you're not my dad, Phil, even if you do dress like him. :'''Peter:''' ''(knocking from behind glass)'' What's going on? :'''Phil:''' Swain was supposed to flag up the coalface idea last night but he didn't. So Emma nicked it. :'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' Oh, fuck-tastic. Not only was it a shit idea to ruin my holiday, it was a shit idea you stole from the government to ruin my holiday. Good work. :'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' Thanks a lot, [[wikipedia:Supergrass_(informant)|Supergrass]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm''' ''(seeing Ben Swain arrive)'': Oh, here he is. Dead man walking. :'''Jamie:''' ''(impersonating Ben)'' 'I, I, I wish you wouldn't keep saying that, I, I, I –' ''(normal voice)'' What's your favourite band, [[blink-182]]?<hr width="50%" /> :'''Jamie:''' That's not a proper cigar: a proper cigar is those big Cuban whoppers, that's just a jumped-up fag. :'''Malcolm:''' Talking of [[wikipedia:Fagging|which]] – :'''Ollie''' ''(entering)'': Hi. :'''Jamie and Malcolm:''' Hey! :'''Jamie:''' Is it [[wikipedia:Rag_(student_society)#Rag_Week|Rag Week]]? :'''Malcolm:''' Do you fancy a cigar? I promise I won't tell any of the other prefects. :'''Jamie:''' Hand rolled on the thigh of a Cuban virgin with big tits and four kids. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, thanks. Um, Malcolm, I just wondered if I could have a quick word, actually. The opposition have got the Week at the Coalface idea. They're gonna do it. :'''Jamie:''' Who, when? :'''Ollie:''' Peter Mannion, I don't know when. :'''Malcolm:''' How the fuck did they get that? Your fucking girlfriend, Jesus Christ! :'''Jamie:''' You should have dumped that mad bitch ages ago. :'''Ollie:''' Well I would've done! She is mad, she's a mental woman! But you two kept telling me to go out with her and stay going out with her, just in case I found anything out! :'''Jamie:''' Oh, and what did you find out? That you've been leaking intelligence to them? You're the fucking shittest James Bond ever. You're... you're [[wikipedia:David_Niven|David fucking Niven]]! <hr width="50%" /> :'''Malcolm:''' Get him properly fucking screen-tested. I'm sorry mate, but you need a lot of powder, I've never seen anybody look so fucking ugly with just one head. :'''Ben:''' Yeah. No, I lost my islands of safety, didn't I, which is – :'''Malcolm:''' And who was it that did your media training? [[wikipedia:Moors_murders#Myra_Hindley|Myra Hindley]]? I mean, it was terrible, all this – hands were all over the place. You were like a sweaty octopus trying to unhook a bra! It was like watching John Leslie at work! :'''Ben:''' Yes, I know all of that, and it just kind of fell away. God, it was like one of those dreams when you're wandering around [[wikipedia:Covent_Garden|Covent Garden]] or something in just your vest and everyone's staring at you. :'''Jamie:''' I think it was much worse than that, I mean, how many people see you in Covent Garden, a few thousand? Your meltdown was witnessed by 1.2 million people. That's more people than saw [[wikipedia:Al_Jolson|Al Jolson]] in his entire career. And that's Al fucking Jolson! :'''Malcolm:''' He loves Al Jolson. :'''Jamie:''' The Governor! :'''Ollie:''' '[[wikipedia:My_Mammy|Maaammy]].' :'''Jamie:''' You take the piss out of Jolson again, and I will remove your [[iPod]] from its tiny nano-sheath, and push it up your ''cock!'' And then I'll plug some speakers up your arse, and put it onto shuffle with my fucking fist! And every time I hear something that I don't like, which will be every time that something comes on, I will skip to the next track ''(to Ben)'' by crushing ''your balls!'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' Oh, sorry! Do you know what, maybe you should dump Peter and go out with Ollie. :'''Ollie:''' Well, it wouldn't be any more disastrous than our relationship, would it, hey? :'''Emma:''' Christ, Ollie, well if it's been such a fucking disaster, why didn't you break up with me sooner? :'''Ollie:''' Well, if it had been up to me I would have broken up with you sooner! :'''Emma:''' If it had been up t– Oh, OK – This is Malcolm, isn't it? Malcolm has been pimping you out! You fucking sad little – :'''Phil:''' ''(laughing)'' That's funny. :'''Ollie and Emma:''' Fuck you, Phil! :'''Phil:''' Oh, suddenly ''I'm'' the bad guy again. :'''Ollie:''' Go and read your blog, nerd boy! I'm going. This is the point where I go. :'''Phil:''' Wow. That point actually exists. Incredible. :'''Ollie:''' I will be so ''not'' sorry not ever to have to talk to you again, you massive floppy blonde tit! I hope your blog gets done for libel and you get knobbed in prison by men. And – ''(to Emma)'' it is over, you self-serving, crypto-fascist, horse-loving, posh, weekend-at-Daddy's, vacuous nothing! ''(leaves)'' :'''Emma:''' Fuck you, Ollie, and put your keys on the side! :'''Phil:''' He's got keys? <hr width="50%"/> :''(looking at a newspaper story with the headline "Silly Tucker: Was web of filth spun by Downing Street 'Spiderman'?")'' :'''Malcolm''' ''(on the phone)'': The story isn't me, Glenn, OK? Nobody is interested in me and I'll be pleased if you'd remember that, OK? :'''Glenn''' ''(at his sister's Welsh cottage)'': You sure you don't want me and Hugh to come back? We could give you some cover. :'''Malcolm:''' Hugh is not coming back: it would look like we're panicking, and we're not panicking. But I need ''you'' back here fucking ASAP to let them know that we're not panicking. :'''Glenn:''' So you want me to interrupt ''my'' holiday in a panic, so that Hugh doesn't have to interrupt ''his'' holiday and look like he's panicking? :'''Malcolm:''' You get back here! I wanna see you popping a bollock for me! ''(hangs up)'' :'''Jamie:''' ''(walking in, holding up the same 'Silly Tucker' story)'' You seen this? :'''Malcolm:''' No, I haven't seen that. I'm the senior press guy for the Government of Great Britain and Northern Ireland. No, I don't look at the newspapers, that's fucking news to me. :'''Jamie:''' All right, all right. What are we doing? :'''Malcolm:''' What are we doing? Fuck all, we're not doing nothing, all right, because I am not the story here. :'''Jamie:''' Well, no, you kind of are the story, Malc: they spelt your name right and everything. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' You take this and this, and you put it onto your bird's breasts, and you rub them and squeeze them very very gently, you get her into the sack, you bang her fucking brains out, you make sure that she cums, and you just give her the policy! :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, but I chucked her, and not in a kind of, you know, 'It's not you, it's me' sort of way, more in a 'It ''is'' you, you hideous vacuous [[Sloane Ranger|Sloane]] bitch from hell' kind of scorched-earth kind of – :'''Malcolm:''' I'm really not interested at all in your little tiff. Get round there, take your Barry White album and your lube and your fucking policy folder. :'''Ollie:''' Malcolm, this is really crossing the line here – :'''Malcolm:''' Don't start with the moral objections, you fucking [[wikipedia:Blue_Peter_badge|Blue Peter badge]]-wearing ponce! Go and make a contribution to fucking Amnesty International, go and buy a goat the whole village can fuck! But you are doing this for me. :'''Ollie:''' Malcolm, you're bullying me, and, you know, I don't know why you're bullying me, you're – :'''Malcolm:''' How dare you? How dare you! Don't you ever, ''ever'', call me a bully. I'm so much worse than that. Do it. OK? Wash your hands. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Peter:''' Do I know you? Oh, don't you work for somebody famous? Er, Malcolm [[wikipedia:Hamish_Macbeth|Hamish MacDeath]]? :'''Jamie:''' It's, er, Peter Onion, isn't it? :'''Peter:''' Hah! That's right. :'''Jamie:''' I always forget, were you the forced abortion or the love child? Or the guy who asphyxiated himself with a kiwi? :'''Peter:''' Just the love child: I was the quiet one. :'''Phil:''' Like [[wikipedia:John_Deacon|John Deacon]] in Queen. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Terri''' ''(on her phone)'': Well I might as well call myself on unofficial leave now: nothing will happen for the next three weeks, absolutely zero. I'm gonna book that holiday. Yeah, well, I mean, all they'll be doing, they'll be bobbing about like emperor penguins trying to swap over an egg. <hr width="50%"/> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Jamie:''' Is your department looking at a 10 million overspend? Yes, or no? :'''Ben:''' Well, I don't have the figures to hand, but all I can say is that if there has been an overspend or a perceived overspend within this department, then certainly I think I've – ''(sees Jamie mime fellatio)'' He's not gonna do that, is he? :'''Malcolm:''' Oh yes, he will, and he will do a lot more. Jazz hands, he'll be touching you up under the table, he's got all the tricks. :'''Ben:''' No he won't! Fuck off, Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' You, listen. First things first: you need some interruption lines, yeah? Something that you can throw in. :'''Ben:''' All right: how about, er, 'I will answer the questions in the order you asked them, Jeremy'. :'''Jamie:''' That makes you sound like a smug Oxbridge twat. Oh, I know you are, but ''everyone'' doesn't need to know. <hr width="50%"/> :''(deleted scene)'' :''(while watching Ben Swain on Newsnight)'' :'''Ollie:''' Still, at least Hugh will be pleased. :'''Phil:''' Yeah, he'll be thrilled, I'm sure! His department on the rack, he'll be like, 'Hey, Ollie, thanks for running the department, although it seems to have all turned to shit!' You're like the man with the [[wikipedia:Midas#Golden_Touch|Midas touch]], except instead of everything you touch turning to gold, it turns to shit. You're like the man with the shit touch. Shitfinger. :'''Ollie:''' Shouldn't you be online pretending to be a Hobbit, eh? Trying to get a date with a lady Hobbit, but failing? :'''Phil:''' Shitfinger. <hr width="50%"/> :''(deleted scene)'' :''(seeing Ben Swain arrive)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Oh hey, hello, here he is! The walk of shame. :'''Jamie:''' You never told us you had epilepsy of the eyes. Was that a sweat, or were you crying? :'''Malcolm:''' Have I seen you on the telly? :'''Ben:''' ''(laughs)'' Yeah. [[wikipedia:Blockbusters_(British_game_show)|Blockbuster]], 1991, I got a Gold Run. :'''Malcolm:''' You know what, I have never seen anyone sweat so much in my life. And I've had a sauna with [[Luciano Pavarotti|Pavarotti]]! I know that politicians and hot air are supposed to go together, but I've never actually seen one vapourise! :'''Ben:''' Can I get you two fellows a drink? :'''Malcolm:''' An orange juice, yeah, yes. :'''Ben:''' Jamie? :'''Jamie:''' Oh, I'll have a pint of 'Fuck right off and die, you miserable fucking tosser'. Do they do that in here? :'''Malcolm:''' He's a wee bit disappointed. :'''Jamie:''' We'll get you on [[wikipedia:Newsround|Newsround]] next time. You reflected badly on me, and I don't like that. :'''Ben:''' Oh come on, Jamie, look, I'll get you a drink and then we'll – :'''Jamie:''' DO YOU WANT A FUCKING SPLINTER GLASS FACIAL? I'm not pretending to hate you here, I actually fucking hate you! I'm not playing a fucking game. Fuck off! ''(leaves)'' :'''Malcolm:''' He trained as a priest. :'''Ben:''' Really? Yeah, he'd be fantastic, I'd confess everything to him. <hr width="50%"/> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Where are you tonight? 'Cause you're not here. What, no invitation for number one party animal, Julius [[Pete Doherty]] Nicholson? :'''Julius:''' Who's Peter O'Doherty? :'''Malcolm:''' Stop trying to joke, OK? Don't joke, you are not funny, Julius, you're about as funny as a blind toddler in a fucking minefield. <hr width="50%"/> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Glenn''' ''(in his sister's Welsh cottage, on the phone)'': Ah, Malcolm. Terri's just rung about the wankers' announcement, and I thought you'd want to know, Hugh's on the way to the airport, but do you want me to definitely tell him to get on the plane? :'''Malcolm:''' No, it's too fucking late. What's he gonna do, come and shadow the shadow of DoSAC shadowing him? Show him where the bogs are? :'''Glenn:''' Yeah, but you told me to tell him to come home. :'''Malcolm:''' Did I? :'''Glenn:''' Yeah! :'''Ollie''' ''(in Malcolm's office, on the phone)'': Right, Hugh, hi. Er, no, I don't think you're going to be wanted back here. :'''Malcolm:''' What is the problem? :'''Ollie:''' He's on some road somewhere where he can't do a U-turn for about five miles or something. :'''Malcolm:''' Good! I like to know that I can still make him miserable even though he's 12,000 miles away. ==Spinners and Losers== :''(Amidst all the chaos swirling after the announcement of the PM's surprise resignation, Ollie's cell phone rings. It's Angela Heaney.)'' :'''Ollie:''' ''(answering his phone)'' Angela, hello. :'''Angela:''' Ollie. How are you? :'''Ollie:''' I am tickets-fuckety-boo, thank you very much. :'''Angela:''' Sorry? :'''Ollie:''' Tickets-fuckety-boo. It's just something that Ben says. :'''Angela:''' Are you and Ben Swain big buds, then? :'''Ollie:''' Well, you know...Just, could you... :''(Ollie has to get away from Glenn, because Glenn is talking to Hugh on his cell phone.)'' :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Angela)'' Hang on just a second... :''(Ollie walks away from the action...and then resumes his conversation with Angela.)'' :'''Ollie:''' ''(in a quieter voice)'' Things are just a little bit fluid here and Glenn's not really a big Ben fan. Ben Swain obviously, not the clock. Well, it's not the clock, is it? It's the bell that's called Big Ben. :'''Angela:''' So go on, tell me: Who else is running? :'''Ollie:''' ''(in the men's toilets)'' Well, no one. No one's gonna stand against Tom now, surely, it's going to be unopposed. ''(Starts using the urinal)'' They'll be rebranding him as we speak, I would imagine: new hair, [[wikipedia:Ted_Baker|Ted Baker]] teeth, all the modern trappings of your political leader – :'''Angela:''' Ollie! Are you pissing? :'''Ollie:''' Er no, that's the flush of the automatic urinals, it's a gentlemen's lavatory. :'''Angela:''' I don't want to talk to you while you're holding your penis. :'''Ollie:''' Well, that's not what you used to say, Angela. :'''Angela:''' Er, yes it is. :'''Ollie:''' No, well – actually it is precisely what you used to say. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' Has anybody seen Jamie? :'''Glenn:''' Why, have you lost him? :'''Ollie:''' Oh, don't tell me he's gone feral, 'cause he was fucking terrifying when you had him on the leash! :'''Malcolm:''' Let's not overreact. :'''Ollie:''' Easy for ''you'' to say, he threatened to shove an iPod up my cock! :'''Malcolm:''' But you get that a lot, though, don't you? :<hr width="50%" />''(discussing Dan Miller)'' :'''Glenn:''' You don't think he's got a chance, do you? :'''Ollie:''' Nah, he's just a droid, isn't he? He's just – ''(makes robotic noises and gestures)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(lecturing Ollie)'' Hey hey hey hey. Don't-don't-don't let him hear you doing that sort of stuff. What happens if he does stand a chance, eh? He'll fuck you harder than [[wikipedia:Ron_Jeremy|Ron Jeremy]], and with less warmth. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Meanwhile, at the Daily Mail's headquarters, Adam Kenyon, the editor-in-chief at the mail, is discussing the news of who's standing for leadership with Angela.)'' :'''Adam Kenyon:''' Right, Geoff Holhurst? :'''Angela:''' Yeah. :'''Adam:''' Right, Ollie's our source on this, is he? Ollie Reeder? [[wikipedia:Deep_Throat_(Watergate)|Shallow Throat]]? Brilliant. :'''Angela:''' Yeah, I know you don't rate him. :'''Adam:''' You can say that again. Ollie Reeder is, to quote [[wikipedia:Bobby Kennedy|Robert F. Kennedy]], a complete fucking spazmaloid. Plus you know how Geoff Holhurst photographs: it looks like his body's in the foreground and his head is really really far away, he looks fucking weird. Just something solid, all right? Otherwise our front page is gonna be an interview with [[wikipedia:Janet_Street-Porter|Janet Street-Porter]] on why she hasn't been asked to be Prime Minister and a giant fucking Sudoku. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Downstairs at Number 10, Malcolm has an awkward run-in with Cliff Lawton.)'' :'''Cliff:''' Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' Elvis! Sorry, sorry. Cliff, Cliff. Where are you off to? :'''Cliff:''' I'm actually off to, uh, to see an old colleague, you know, from the old days, from, uh...before you asked me to resign. :'''Malcolm:''' Oh, lovely, lovely. Well, look, I'd love to stop and chat to you, but you know, I'd rather have Type 2 diabetes. :'''Cliff Lawton:''' Yes, fuck you, Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, Happy New Year. <hr width="50%"/> :''(As Malcolm enters his office, he finds, to his surprise -- or is it dismay? -- Geoff Holhurst. Geoff stands up to greet Malcolm.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Right. Hi, Geoff, don't stand. :'''Geoff:''' Oh. ''(Geoff sits back down)'' :'''Malcolm:''' No, no, I mean, "Don't stand against Tom." Now do you see what I did there? I was both being funny and also deadly serious. :'''Geoff:''' Yeah, now where did you hear that, Malcolm? I'm not standing. :'''Malcolm:''' Never mind where I heard it from. The thing is, Geoff... ''(Malcolm sits down in his chair)'' You're gonna waste everybody's time. :'''Geoff:''' I'm not standing, Malcolm. I'm just trying to start a debate, you know, a policy debate, about the future direction of the party and of the government. :'''Malcolm:''' Because first, you've got no credentials. I mean, you're so back bench you've actually fucking fallen off. You're out by the fucking bins where I put you. :'''Geoff:''' Hello? Are you listening to me? I'm not standing. :'''Malcolm:''' Secondly, I'm gonna tell the Mirror about all the drinking. :'''Geoff:''' ''(laughing)'' I'm not drinking. :'''Malcolm:''' And thirdly, I'm gonna tell the Mail about the affair. And fourthly, you've got a tiny head. :'''Geoff:''' ''(offended)'' No I haven't! :'''Malcolm:''' Yes you have. It's out of proportion, everybody mentions it. :'''Geoff:''' Look... :'''Malcolm:''' See? You're shaking it, and I can hardly see it move. Are you shaking it now? Are you shaking it now? I can't tell. :'''Geoff:''' I'm not standing, okay? My head is the right size, all right? :'''Malcolm:''' It is very petite. So you're not standing... :'''Geoff:''' No. :'''Malcolm:''' Right? You will not stand against Tom. :'''Geoff:''' I've said. I've bloody said. :'''Malcolm:''' Okay, thank you, Geoff. Let's go. Arriva-fucking-derci. ''(Geoff gets up from his chair, and he and Malcolm shake hands.)'' Let's have lunch sometime, yeah? We'll have a tete-a-tiny-tete. :'''Geoff:''' ''(leaving the office)'' Jesus... <hr width="50%"/> :''(And now, Nick Hanway, a government press relations officer, is entering his way into Malcolm's office.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(seeing Nick enter)'' Oh, Nice Nutter Nick! :'''Nick Hanway:''' What was all that about? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(standing up again)'' Just, you know, putting out a fire. :'''Nick:''' Definitely out? :'''Malcolm:''' Definitely out. Pissed out. Steam and cinders, pal. Does Tom know you're here? :'''Nick:''' Yeah, of course, yeah. :'''Malcolm:''' So how's the rebrand going? :'''Nick:''' Okay, we've, um, booked him for a photo op on Tuesday. He's taking the family to a Harvester. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(chuckling)'' Oh, Jesus Christ, really? :'''Nick:''' Yeah. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(jokingly as a reporter)'' "Have you been to a Harvester before, Prime Minister?" ''(and now as Tom)'' "No, in fact, I've never actually been outside the fucking house with my family before." :'''Nick:''' Anyway, um, look...do you know the name of the bod who's booked to go on ''Today'' in the morning? :'''Malcolm:''' Sure, yeah. Do ''you'' know? :'''Nick:''' Yeah, we just found out. So -- ''you'' know who it is? :'''Malcolm:''' Well, of course ''I'' know. I mean, there's nothing that you know that I don't know. I'm Dr. Fucking Know. :'''Nick:''' Who is it? :'''Malcolm:''' Is this, are you...Are you testing me now? Is it, 'cause I mean, I could test you. I mean, we could have a big match or testostethon. I mean, how do I know that you've got the fucking name, anyway? :'''Nick:''' Because Hugo at ''Today'' told us. :'''Malcolm:''' Right. :''(A bit of a pause...)'' :'''Nick:''' So what name have you got? :'''(Another hide-and-seek pause...)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Dan Miller. :'''Nick:''' Oh, okay, so you do know. :'''Malcolm:''' Of course I fucking do. :'''Nick:''' Look, um, Tom's announcing his team in the morning, and I've just got to stop Dan Miller announcing his team two hours before we announce ours, so...if you want to get on the bus, that's... :'''Malcolm:''' That is my mission? You, Mr. Nutty Bar, have given me a task? Jesus Christ, who the fuck does Tom think he is? :'''Nick:''' The next Prime Minister of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, Malcolm. :''(And with that cool, steely-eyed shot, Nick gets ready to leave Malcolm's office...but Malcolm isn't done with Nick yet.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Nick. ''(beat)'' Tell the mighty fucking Tom that his transition will be as smooth as a Brazilian's fuckh-- :''(But just before Malcolm can finish his comeback retort to Nick, Jamie enters the office from out of nowhere and interrupts the party.)'' :'''Jamie:''' ''(to Malcolm and Nick)'' Oh! [[wikipedia:Trinny_and_Susannah|Trinny ''and'' Susannah]]! Well I'm sorry to burst into your little fucking boutique, but you've got a fight on your hands. That's all I'm saying. I'm backing a rival candidate, ''(to Malcolm)'' so fuck you, ''(to Nick)'' and fuck you and your Nutter coronation 'cause it ain't happening. :'''Nick:''' So you're backing Dan Miller, are you? :'''Jamie:''' No, I'm not backing Dan Miller! Don't you fucking ever ask me a question again! :'''Malcolm:''' Fatty? :'''Jamie:''' Oh aye, Fatty, yeah, wee Spider-Man pyjamas, fucking idiot. From now on, it's a proper fight: it's a pub fight, [[wikipedia:Motherwell|Motherwell]] rules, and Tom is gonna get a pint glass in his fucking eye, and a pool cue up his arse, and another pool cue in his other fucking eye! :'''Malcolm:''' Geoff Holhurst. :'''Jamie:''' Oh, what, Mr Baby New Potato Head? Fuck off. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Jamie is backing Cliff Lawton for leadership. And now, Jamie and Cliff are traveling in a car, discussing strategy.)'' :'''Jamie:''' Are you a horse? :'''Cliff:''' ''(confused)'' Sorry? :'''Jamie:''' Are you a fucking horse? :'''Cliff:''' Um, I don't...I don't know what you mean. What? :'''Jamie:''' Are you a fucking horse? :'''Cliff:''' Okay, no, I'm not a horse. :'''Jamie:''' Are you sure? :'''Cliff:''' I'm sure. :'''Jamie:''' You've got a pretty fucking horsey face -- and a bit of a horsey wife. Are you a fucking horse? Are you? :'''Cliff:''' Okay, leaving the wife aside... :'''Jamie:''' Are you a horse? :'''Cliff:''' No... :'''Jamie:''' EXACTLY! :'''Cliff:''' I can categorically say that I am not a horse. :'''Jamie:''' Exactly, you are not a fucking horse. You are no horse, and you are not a [[wikipedia:Stalking horse|stalking horse]]. ''You'' are the real thing. :'''Cliff:''' ''(nodding in agreement)'' Oh, right. :'''Jamie:''' And we are going to ''ram'' you up Tom's are so hard that he has to shit out of his lying mouth. :'''Cliff:''' It's not a very nice image, really, is it? ''(beat)'' But it's very motivating. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Glenn:''' And then, Liam said that someone suggested that Tom should go on ''[[wikipedia:Strictly_Come_Dancing|Strictly Come Dancing]]''. :'''Ollie:''' He can barely even walk properly. He looks like he shat himself the whole time. :'''Glenn:''' He often has. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm''' ''(to Robyn)'': You are going to ''bury'' this Watford arseache tonight, OK? 'Cause tomorrow morning, from broadsheets to wank rags, I want page one, two and three to be a profile of Tom looking like a fucking political colossus, you know: Tom meeting the Pope, Tom in an NHS hospital chatting to little, baldie kiddies. I want pages four and five to be a timeline of the last few years in British politics with ''me'' at the centre, looking fucking indispensable, and fucking benign. And I want page six to be fucking – ''Israel'' or some bullshit, not a fucking DOSAC, DIPSHIT, LEGACY-DISTRACTING COCK-UP! :'''Robyn:''' Right, um, Jamie. Look, I just have to say at this point that I do find him just a little bit frightening. :'''Malcolm:''' Relax, he has never hit anyone. Or at least, anyone he has hit has never had the balls to take it to a superior. ''(Robyn still looks terrified)'' It's a fucking joke. It's a joke, OK? The man is a professional, you will be fine. :'''Glenn:''' Actually, Malcolm? We still have no word on Dan Miller. I mean, he's gone dark, he's not answering his phone – :'''Malcolm:''' Maybe he's in a hotel with his own huddle. Ring around, try and find him. :'''Glenn:''' What, ring every hotel in London and ask if Dan Miller's booked in? :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah! Although he could be using an assumed name. :'''Glenn:''' So you want me to ring round every hotel in London, and ask if anyone, of any name, has booked in? :'''Malcolm:''' Well it will keep you busy, you know, you need to keep the mind active at your age.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Jamie:''' OK, the line is: [[wikipedia:Wildcat_strike_action|wildcat walkout]], we'll be talking to the unions, it's too early to comment. Off the record: er, union Neanderthals with brains the size of children's bogies couldn't take the heat of Hugh Abbot's ring-stinging, shit-hot, public sector reforms, but he's flying back like Harrison Ford with a big whip in one hand and a skinny latte in the other and he's gonna whip six shades of shit out of them and save the world, OK? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' ''(on the phone to Jamie)'' There is a glacier of shit at DoSAC! I need you over here, with a fucking blowtorch, right now! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jamie:''' Nobody gives a shit if you got shafted by Malcolm. :'''Cliff:''' ''I'' will never, ever forgive him for what he did to me. :'''Jamie:''' Jesus, this isn't ''[[w:EastEnders|EastEnders]]!'' This is politics! We're all in the same plague pit, Cliff, there's no clean hands! :''(Jamie's cell phone rings)'' :'''Cliff:''' All right – :'''Jamie:''' ''(answering the phone)'' Yeah? :'''Malcolm:''' Jamie! What's that sort of droning noise in the background, then? :'''Cliff:''' Look, okay, here's a more positive approach, right, I'll try this. ''(reads from his speech)'' :'''Malcolm:''' It's a kind of boring, kind of low sort of droning, boring, kind of miserable whining, boring kind of, sort of boring noise going on? :'''Jamie:''' Yeah, well, you've got it wrong, yeah? :'''Malcolm:''' Cliff fucking Lawton. Hey, nice. Was the Cillit Bang guy not available? :'''Jamie:''' Fuck you. ''(hangs up)'' :'''Cliff:''' ... To put it simply, I'm back! :'''Jamie:''' Oh fuck off, Cliff. :'''Cliff:''' Sorry? :'''Jamie:''' Fuck off! You're a busted flush! You're not gonna be Prime Minister, you're not gonna be anything, so fuck off. :'''Cliff:''' This is your thing, isn't it? Everything has to be an absolute, everything has to be black and white! You know: 'I love you, fuck off!' There are lots of shades of grey, you know! :'''Jamie:''' Oh, I know that, I'm looking at fifteen of them right now. See you later, no-mark. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' You've got this bullshit Watford story covered, yeah? :'''Jamie:''' Yeah. :'''Malcolm:''' You and I will have a little discussion later. :'''Jamie:''' Yeah. I think Watford will get bumped by the fact that we're about to hand the nuclear codes to a guy who, every now and then, loses it so bad he needs satnav to find his own nipples. :'''Malcolm:''' What are you talking about? :'''Jamie:''' Well, I just thought it was fair to let everyone know about the Tom rumours, you know. How the guy that's about to become Prime Minister chugs antidepressants like they're fucking [[wikipedia:Smint|Smints]]. How the Black Dog humps his leg and shits in his duvet every four months; I ''think'' that will bump the Watford walkout. :'''Malcolm:''' You've gone fucking psycho son, fucking psycho! ''(leaves)'' TWAT!<hr width="50%"/> :'''Ollie:''' ''(answering his mobile)'' Hello. :'''Malcolm:''' Right, what's the plan? :'''Ollie:''' Well, they don't have a plan. :'''Malcolm:''' Okay, well perhaps you should give them one. :'''Ollie:''' Well, yes, fantastic, actually, Malc, because obviously I have a very suitable one tattooed on the underside of my scrotum, so why don't we use that – :'''Malcolm:''' Shut it, you're using up all the minutes on my 'talk till you get head cancer' tariff! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ben Swain:''' What do you think? :'''Nick Hanway:''' Hmm – To be honest, I was really hoping that was going to be shit, because I'm tired and I'd quite like to hit someone. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' Are you in on this? :'''Jamie:''' I'm not leaving it to you, eh? You couldn't organise a bum-rape in a barracks. :'''Malcolm:''' Au contraire.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Jamie:''' What we're having here is a secret conversation, and I'm hoping that this time you can keep the fucking secret, because normally you're about as secure as a hymen in a South London [[wikipedia:Comprehensive_school|comprehensive]]. :'''Terri:''' Yep, well done: that's offensive on a number of levels in a very concise way.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Angela Heaney:''' They've ditched Ballentine. :'''Adam Kenyon:''' What? Already? :'''Angela Heaney:''' Yeah. :'''Adam Kenyon:''' What the fuck is wrong with these people? I mean, what is this, potential leader speed dating? Right, who ''is'' standing? :'''Angela Heaney:''' I dunno. :'''Adam Kenyon''' ''(to another journalist working on a Ballentine story)'': Well, ditch that for a starter, get rid of her, I can't stand her fucking face. :'''Angela Heaney:''' You know, I think you should eat something. :'''Adam Kenyon:''' Oh right, yeah! Eat something, that'd be right, wouldn't it? You know what, our coverage so far has either been wrong or guesswork, which was wrong. So all we have now is a story-shaped hole! :'''Angela Heaney:''' Seriously, your blood sugar's low. :'''Adam Kenyon:''' Right. :'''Angela Heaney:''' Makes you very irritable. :'''Adam Kenyon:''' No, what makes me very irritable, Angela, is having ''no'' fucking stories and having to fill an entire newspaper with just fucking prepositions! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' And obviously if you do think about running with this pills story – :'''Adam Kenyon:''' Yeah. :'''Malcolm:''' I will personally fucking eviscerate you, right? :'''Adam Kenyon:''' Right. :'''Malcolm:''' And I mean, I don't have your education, I don't know what that means, but I will start by ripping your cock off and I'll busk it from there, okay? :'''Adam Kenyon:''' Good, thank you, again. :'''Malcolm:''' Talk to you later. :'''Adam Kenyon:''' Cheers. Bye bye now. ''(Hangs up. To Angela)'' He's a nice guy.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Jamie:''' ''(to Terri and Robyn)'' Oh hey, Desperate Housewives, have you found out who's leaking yet? :'''Glenn:''' I have. It's Julius! He's just told me – :'''Jamie:''' Wait, no, what – That – Julius? :'''Glenn:''' Yeah. :'''Jamie:''' ''Nicholson?'' That baldy PUSSY? Well, I tell you, if he thinks he's leaking now, wait to see him when I'm finished with him: he'll look like fucking [[wikipedia:The_Passion_of_the_Christ|Mel Gibson's Jesus]]! FUCK! FUCK, FUCK! FUCK!<hr width="50%" /> :'''Julius:''' Why don't I get something in? A man cannot live on Jaffa Cakes alone, obviously. I've tried.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Malcolm''' ''(to Ben)'': I'm just gonna go make some nuisance calls, I'll see you in about half a – Stop fucking blinking! Or I will take your optic nerve and strangle you with it. OK. You look after him, Ollie, OK? He's a very important man. Cock like a caber.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Adam Kenyon:''' What's the news, just – :'''Angela Heaney:''' What? :'''Adam Kenyon:''' Just tell me what the fucking news is and I'll put it on the front page. It's not like we're ''[[wikipedia:The_Independent|The Independent]]'', we can't just stick a headline saying 'Cruelty' and then stick a picture of a dolphin or a whale underneath it. I mean, that's just fucking cheating, that's rubbish. :'''Angela Heaney:''' Well, what I'm hearing is Ben Swain. :'''Adam Kenyon:''' Ben Swain? :'''Angela Heaney:''' Yeah. :'''Adam Kenyon:''' Right, I literally don't know who he is. I'm not being stupid or anything, but I physically don't know who Ben Swain is. He could be the leader of the Special Boat Squadron – :'''Angela Heaney:''' Service. :'''Adam Kenyon:''' The [[wikipedia:Special_Boat_Service|Special Boat Service]] or whatever it's fucking called, and this could be a massive coup. :'''Angela Heaney:''' Ben Swain is what I'm hearing. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' The good news, however, is that the – well, the Tom wobble, it's over. :'''Ben Swain:''' And so the – :'''Malcolm:''' That's great, isn't it? :'''Ben Swain:''' Yeah! Why is – So what, he's not wobbling, he's – What does that mean? :'''Malcolm:''' Well, it means that all the rats are now returning to a ''very'' buoyant ship and they're playing deck tennis, so that's lovely, isn't it? :'''Ben Swain:''' What does that mean for me, then? :'''Malcolm:''' I guess that means that you're standing in the chamber of the House of Commons with your big flaccid dick hanging out with a 'vote for me' sticker on the end. :'''Ben Swain:''' But you said I had a chance! About half an hour ago you said I was in with a shot! :'''Malcolm:''' Don't fucking gi– Look, half an hour ago you ''were'' in with a shot! This is half an hour hence! We've fucking time-travelled, yes? We're in a weird and wonderful world, where everything is different. Maybe outside, the polar ice caps have melted. Maybe there's fucking robots knocking about and [[wikipedia:Davina_McCall|Davina McCall]]'s the new Pope. Maybe, you can download ''rice!'' I want you right now to think about ''your'' future, okay? Think about what you are doing, get yourself back on the train to fucking Tomsville pronto, yeah? ''(walking out)'' Half an hour ago. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' What's that, cricket? That's the English equivalent of sport, isn't it? No actual physical contact, just glaring. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jamie:''' Nicholson! NICHOLSON! The immigration shit. It was you, wasn't it? You mimsy bastard Quisling leak ''fuck!'' :'''Julius:''' Sorry, what are you talking about? :'''Jamie:''' Yeah yeah yeah, you will be sorry, you inflatable cock. You fucking sold us out, didn't you? DENY IT! :'''Julius:''' Well, James, I can't deny something until I have the actual charge presented to me – :'''Jamie:''' ''(impersonating Julius)'' 'Oh oh oh, the actual charge.' ''(normal voice)'' You mean apart from the charge you're gonna get when I clamp jump leads to your baldy bollocks? Okay, okay, okay! You, Julius Nicholson, being of sound mind, but with a body that looks like a giant sex toy, did knowingly do us up the shithole, by passing confidential information to the enemy! And I am gonna have your guts as a skipping rope, and your lungs sun-dried and turned into a little fucking waistcoat! :'''Julius:''' James, technically it was not a leak, because firstly it's not confidential infor– :'''Malcolm:''' Eat that prawn. Eat that fucking prawn. :'''Julius:''' I'm not eating prawns, Malcolm, I'm on – I'm just telling you – :'''Malcolm:''' Eat that prawn. ''(throws a slice of pizza at Julius)'' Eat a bit of fucking pizza. :'''Julius:''' Don't be stupid. Malcolm – :'''Malcolm:''' Eat another prawn. ''(throws a prawn)'' :'''Julius:''' Stop it! :'''Malcolm:''' ''(throws more food)'' Have some fucking chow mein! :'''Julius:''' Malcolm – :'''Jamie:''' Here, stuff it in his fucking head! Stuff it in his big baby head! :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie, who has just returned with some cheese)'' Get that fucking cheese over there! :'''Jamie:''' EAT THE CHEESE! :'''Julius:''' I don't want the cheese, stop it! :'''Glenn:''' Go on, have some! :'''Jamie:''' ''(throwing food at Julius)'' EAT THE CHEESE! EAT THE FUC– :'''Julius:''' ''(being pelted by Malcolm and Ollie)'' This isn't funny, this is an expensive suit! James, just – :'''Jamie:''' Fuck! :'''Julius:''' What the ''fuck'' are you doing, mate? ''(runs out of the door)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Hey hey hey, right! :'''Jamie:''' EAT THE FUCKING CHEESE! ''(chasing after Julius)'' EAT THE CHEESE, NICHOLSON! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Glenn:''' Fucking ''hell!'' Fuck! Jesus. I'm not a joke, okay? All right? Hello? I am a man! I am a man, you know? You know?! This... THIS...! THIS IS MY LIFE! I'M A HUMAN BEING, AND ALL THIS IS MY LIFE! And it's collapsing in front of me! You know, Tom's lot, they're never gonna want me, are they? And fucking Hugh, now he – Jesus Christ, this is all...! ''I AM A MAN!'' And – :'''Terri:''' I know, listen – :'''Glenn:''' No you don't – :'''Terri:''' I do! :'''Glenn:''' I'm irrelevant! No no, go away, I'm irrelevant, I'm irrelevant, I'm irrelevant. :'''Terri:''' Glenn, Glenn, Glenn – :'''Glenn:''' FUCKING HUGH JUST WANTS TO SPEAK TO [[wikipedia:Teletubbies#Characters|TINKY WINKY]]?! WELL, ''FUCK'' TINKY WINKY! FUCK YOU, TINKY WINKY! [[Auf Wiedersehen, Pet|Auf Wiedersehen Pet]], the party's over, [[wikipedia:Goodbye_Yellow_Brick_Road|Goodbye Yellow Brick Road]]! WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT HITLER?! WELL, HE HAD A MOUSTACHE AND HE LIVED OVER THERE! FUCK US ALL! <hr width="50%" /> :'''Malcolm''' ''(receives an alert on his phone)'': Oh, I've been summoned to the breakfast meeting, to talk to Tom about this morning: some details about Claire Ballentine, maybe; Geoff Holhurst; young Benjamin here. :'''Nick Hanway:''' Fuck you very much, you unscrupulous bastard. :'''Malcolm:''' Scruples? Scruples, what are they? Is that those low-fat [[wikipedia:Kettle_Foods|Kettle Chips]]? OK people, wake up and smell the cock! Hey Ben, next time that you wanna stab Caesar, make sure you're not holding a fucking plastic spoon. <hr width="50%"/> :''(The Mail are revealing that Ben Swain was racist to a cleaner)'' :'''Glenn:''' I've been leaking for 27 years, I know how it's done, I leaked it! :'''Ollie:''' You don't leak! Well not from the mouth, anyway. :'''Malcolm:''' You fucking shut up. At least this is Hugh's Glenn. All that you are, mate, is fucking ''Ben's'' Glenn.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Ollie:''' ''Guardian Online'', right? :'''Glenn:''' Yes. :'''Ollie:''' I notice they got Tom to do the questionnaire. :'''Glenn:''' What, trying to make himself look more like a human being and less like a calculator with Aspergers? What does he say? :'''Ollie:''' 'When were you happiest?' 'At the birth of my son.' :'''Glenn:''' Bollocks, he wasn't even at the birth of his son. Actually no, he was in an all-night sitting of the Communications Bill, fast asleep. And his sister-in-law woke him with a text. :'''Ollie:''' 'What was the last CD you bought?' 'The Scissor Sisters'. ''(Glenn laughs.)'' And do we believe him? 'Which living person do you most admire?' :'''Glenn:''' Er, well that's tough. Nelson Mandela? :'''Ollie:''' Correct! I think you just press F5 for that one, to be absolutely honest with you. 'How do you relax?' 'Cannabis and wanking'? :'''Glenn:''' He hasn't. :'''Ollie:''' No of course he hasn't, you idiot, 'Listening to opera'. :'''Glenn:''' Oh, right. :'''Ollie:''' While wanking.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Nick Hanway:''' Why tonight of all ''fucking nights'', why tonight? :'''Malcolm Tucker:''' Oh well, that's easy: Tucker's Law. 'If some cunt ''can'' fuck something up, that cunt will pick the worst possible time to fucking fuck up because that cunt's a cunt.' I've got that embroidered on a tea towel at home. === Opposition Extra === :'''Emma Messinger:''' Peter, hi, it's Emma. Now listen, Stewart says this really ''is'' the strategy. :'''Peter Mannion:''' We're supposed to be the opposition, for Christ's sake. In the old days, we wouldn't have been weeping over his grave, we'd have been pissing on it. :'''Emma Messinger:''' If we start point-scoring now, we're just going to look like opportunist weasels. :'''Peter Mannion:''' Well, weasily done. :'''Emma Messinger:''' Sorry? :'''Peter Mannion:''' It's weasily done. :'''Phil Smith:''' It's a joke. :'''Emma Messinger:''' That was a joke? :'''Peter Mannion:''' Tell Stewart I'm not doing it. Tell him bollocks to it, tell him to fuck off. :'''Emma Messinger:''' Tell Stewart to f– Now, Peter, that's not really a very good idea, is it? He's not going to like it if you tell him to fuck off, is he? :'''Peter Mannion:''' Not actually. Yeah, not actually fuck off, just make an excuse, pretty it up, but when you do tell him, make sure that he knows, reading between the lines, that I told you to tell him to fuck off, but you're prettying it up.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Peter Mannion:''' I was supposed to be making an announcement this morning on the failures in the immigration system, making a big speech! :'''Adam Kenyon:''' Yeah, Peter, we were there; you know, I mean, you were giving your recipe for spag bol, and then [[wikipedia:Gordon_Ramsay|Gordon Ramsay]] walks in and takes us all out for peacock and chips.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Emma Messinger''' ''(arriving at Peter's house)'': Peter! Peter? Hi, it's Emma. ''(whispers)'' Oh sorry, you're on the phone, sorry. :'''Peter Mannion:''' Oh hi, Emma! I thought it was Kate Winslet, she generally pops round about now.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Stewart Pearson''' ''(on the phone)'': Peter, we need you to go on [[wikipedia:BBC_News_(TV_channel)|News 24]], like Phil asked, and to say nice things about the PM. :'''Peter Mannion:''' If I'm praising the PM, can I at least have a go at Tom and the Nutters? Can I at least subtly suggest they're waving in a man who pulls himself off by reading European tax law amendments? :'''Stewart Pearson:''' No way! No way, we do not slag off Tom, we want Tom in. Tom is our big fat, socially dysfunctional, swing-voter repellent, golden weirdo ticket. :'''Emma Messinger:''' Surely you can understand how this will work in our favour, Peter? I mean, they're going to elect a man who can count his friends on the fingers of, like, of my father's right hand! :'''Stewart Pearson:''' Dan Miller is thinking of standing, that's what I'm hearing. Yeah, oh sorry, just a minute, just a min– ''(to a colleague outside his office)'' Mark! Mark! When I say I want you to cc JB on everything to do with these interviews, I do mean everything, not just the things that ''you'' think are important. I'm an extraordinarily precise man, Mark, that's why my wife left me. ''(back on the phone)'' JB doesn't want Dan Miller, he's too young and he's too witty, whereas Tom looks 92 and he's about as funny as [[wikipedia:Norman_Wisdom|Norman Wisdom]]. We slag Tom off once he's elected, but not now, hm?<hr width="50%" /> :''(watching TV in their flat)'' :'''Emma Messinger:''' Phil, switch over, we haven't looked at News 24 for a bit. :'''Phil Smith:''' No, it would just be the Ten Glorious Years package in permanent orbit. Is it just me, or does [[wikipedia:Noel_Gallagher|Noel Gallagher]] getting older look like one of those Evolution of Man wall charts in reverse?<hr width="50%" /> :'''Ollie''' ''(answers his mobile)'': Morning. :'''Emma:''' Yeah, have you seen the ''Mail''? :'''Ollie:''' Erm, no I haven't, I'm under 40 and I have a penis, why? :'''Emma:''' They've got a big graphic on the night's winners and losers. Yeah, it's not a great picture of you. :'''Ollie:''' What? Me – What, I'm in it? :'''Emma:''' You look very very pasty and about nine, so – :'''Ollie:''' Am I a winner or a loser? :'''Emma:''' You are a loser! :'''Ollie:''' I'm a loser? For fuck's sake – ''(Emma is listening to the radio)'' God, is that Ben on ''[[wikipedia:Today_(BBC_Radio_4)|Today]]'' in the background? You can even hear him blinking on the radio. This is absolute bollocks, I'm not supposed to be in the paper, Em, I'm just, you know – It's not me who's supposed to be in the paper, is it? It's fucking ridiculous. :'''Emma:''' Oh come on, it's only the ''Mail'', don't worry about it. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, yeah, I know it's the ''Daily Mail'', but you know – my mum gets the ''Mail''. == Series 3, Episode 1 == :''(It's Cabinet Reshuffle Day in the British Government, and Malcolm Tucker has got his finger on the trigger.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Ed! Get Tom Rudd in. Now. We're offering him Northern Ireland, the lucky sod. :'''Ed:''' I think he's expecting to be offered Transport. :'''Malcolm:''' Well, tell him he's taking the bus to George Best airport, right? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' ''(on his cell phone)'' He’s making Paul Remington a Cabinet Minister. Remtard Remington. I mean the guy is an epic fuck-up. He’s so dense that light bends around him. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' Come on people, let’s get going here! I’ve got a to-do list that’s longer than a fucking [[w:Leonard Cohen|Leonard Cohen]] song! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Meanwhile, Ollie Reeder and Terri Coverley are discussing the Cabinet reshuffle at DoSAC.)'' :'''Ollie:''' ''(looking at his computer)'' Remtard at Energy and Climate Change. :'''Terri:''' Really? I'm not getting that. ''(Terri looks at her computer.)'' It's not on here. How did you get that about Remington? :'''Ollie:''' ''(slightly annoyed)'' Refresh the page. :'''Terri:''' Yeah. Ah, yeah. Oh look, Fatty's staying put! They're not moving Fatty! :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, well, that's 'cause they haven’t got five big blokes and a winch. :'''Terri:''' They couldn't really demote Fatty, 'cause he knows too much. :'''Ollie:''' Well he doesn't know where the [[w:Ryvita|Ryvita]] is kept, does he? <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm is on the phone once more, talking to a colleague about how busy he is.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' I've got this -- this-this reshuffle going on, the Leamington Spa by-election coming up, I've got more on my plate than a spinster at a wedding. That wasn't a reference to your daughter by the way, Andrew. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Hugh Abbot has lost his place in the reshuffle.)'' :'''Glenn:''' Well. That's Hugh gone, then. :'''Terri:''' It's so sad, isn't it? Hugh. :'''Glenn:''' Yeah. :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Terri)'' You don't give a ''shit''! :''(beat)'' :'''Terri:''' ...No, well, perhaps I don't. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ollie:''' Northern Ireland office, Tom Rudd. Who's Tom Rudd? Tom Rudd? :'''Terri:''' Isn't he in ''Harry Potter''? :'''Glenn:''' Tom Rudd is army slang for standing-up buggery. :'''Ollie:''' Right. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' ''(calling out to Doug Hayes)'' Doug! Doug! Dougie! Look at you, cock like [[wikipedia:Pink_Panther_(character)|the Pink Panther's]] tail. Come have a Kit Kat. :'''Doug Hayes:''' I'm afraid I turned it down, Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' Do you know ninety percent of household dust is made of dead human skin? That's what you are. To me. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm is back on the phone with Andrew -- AND, of course, Malcolm accidentally insults Andrew's daughter.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Doug Hayes is a massive abortion. Again, not a reference to your daughter. We need somebody to plug this DoSAC hole. Anybody. A fucking mammal with a head. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Terri:''' ''(to Glenn and Ollie)'' Have you two finished emptying your desks yet? :'''Glenn:''' ''(agitated)'' Yes, don't worry, Terri, we're all ready to go. :'''Terri:''' I'm just trying to get everything organised for whenever whoever arrives. They are gonna have their own people. It's gonna be very embarrassing if your hand cream's still in the drawer. :'''Glenn:''' ''Hand cream?'' :'''Terri:''' Yeah, well, whatever men have. I don't know, electric nose-hair trimmers, Ex-Lax... :'''Ollie:''' ''(mocking Glenn)'' Aww, look at Glenn. Your face...On the scrapheap at the tender age of 76? It's no life for you, is it, Glenn, this? Hey, do you want me to call Dignitas? ''(beat)'' I could call Indignitas. They could come round and shove you out of the window dressed as a clown. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' ''(on his phone again)'' Get me, um, Nicola Murray. Yeah. If she says "no", well, I don't know, the only other candidate is my left bollock with a fucking smiley face drawn on it. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Terri announces and introduces the new head of the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship.)'' :'''Terri:''' Ladies and gentlemen, may I introduce the new Secretary of State for the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship, Nicola Murray. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Nicola Murray is the new head of the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship -- DoSAC, for short. As she heads into her new office, she gets a cell phone call from her husband, James.)'' :'''Nicola Murray:''' ''(on the phone to her husband.)'' Um...Yes, I know. They just -- they frog-marched me into it. ''(beat)'' I didn't know. I had no idea. ''(beat)'' James, be fair! I did -- I-I left seven fucking messages for you. Your secretary or whoever is useless. I don't think the school thing's gonna be a problem. It's not gonna be a problem 'cause they'll have vetted me at Number 10. And obviously nobody has soiled themselves or shot me. Great, well, I'll take your warm congratulations as implied. ''(Nicola hangs up her phone.)'' Fucking arsehole. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Terri checks to see if Nicola's alright.)'' :'''Terri:''' You all right? :'''Nicola:''' Yes, it's all a bit crazy. No, it just feels like my head's made entirely of smoke alarms. ''(laughing)'' At the moment, it's all a bit ''OOH...'' ''(Nicola mimes an explosion.)'' :'''Terri:''' Yes, well, it was a bit of a shock for us all, you know. :'''Nicola:''' I'm sure. :'''Terri:''' In a good way, in a good way. :'''Nicola:''' Good. :'''Terri:''' Well, like twins or a tax rebate. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Nicola calls both Glenn and Ollie into her office to discuss her policy as the new head of DoSAC.)'' :'''Nicola:''' My primary focus is social mobility, that's very much my -- my Big Thing. :'''Ollie:''' Right. :'''Nicola:''' And I suppose I'm telling you that, really, partly to get your take on it and also so that you can, you know, start spreading the news and printing the posters and, uh, you know, fire up the turbo chargers, set the phases to equality: It's Murray time! :'''Glenn:''' The thing is – and Ollie, please correct me here if I'm wrong. :'''Ollie:''' I will certainly do that. :'''Glenn:''' Social mobility, making people richer, costs money. :'''Ollie:''' Yes, and we don't have any of that, really. :'''Nicola:''' Right. :'''Ollie:''' I mean, if you speak to Nick at the Treasury he will tell you the same, only with his annoying lisp. :'''Nicola:''' What you're telling me is that basically I'm gonna be a woman with a computer and some pens. :'''Ollie:''' Well, it's just a pen budget. :'''Nicola:''' I mean, I have about as much ''real'' power as [[wikipedia:The_Apprentice_(UK_TV_series)#The_Board|those twats who sit either side]] of [[Alan Sugar]]. :'''Ollie:''' Well – Yes. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Glenn and Ollie are in Nicola's office, trying to give her tips on how to deal with Malcolm. But before they can do so...Malcolm walks in.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(entering the office)'' Is this the No. 1 Ladies' Detective Agency? :'''Nicola:''' Malcolm Tucker! The real deal. Hello. :''(Malcolm and Nicola shake hands.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola, smiling)'' The real deal. Good to see you. You're looking great! ''(to Glenn and Ollie)'' All right, Hinge and Bracket, time to go and hang up your lady-cocks. :''(Glenn and Ollie leave, and Malcolm continues his conversation with Nicola.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Nicola Murray! Here you are, Secretary of State for the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship. :'''Nicola:''' Yep, I now have one of the longest job titles in Western politics. Thank God I don't have to wear a lapel badge. :'''Malcolm:''' It's a pity that we couldn't just make an abbreviation of it, you know, like PFI. Which I think stands for Pretty Fucking Imbarrassing. If you're a bit sloppy about the details, which clearly your fucking husband is. :'''Nicola:''' Okay, look, James works for Albany, fine. He wasn't even working there when the contract was awarded. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(smiling)'' Don't worry, don't worry. That was just me, that was... :'''Nicola:''' ''(getting the joke)'' Okay, right. Fine. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(serious again)'' I mean, that's the sort of thing the press will throw at you. I mean, you step out of line, they'll be all over you like a pigeon on a chip, you know? Is that your chair? :'''Nicola:''' Oh God, yeah. It's cool, isn't it? It's got, um, lumbar support. :'''Malcolm:''' Bin it. People don't like their politicians to be comfortable. They don't like you having expenses. They don't like you being paid. They'd rather you lived in a fucking cave. :'''Nicola:''' Ok, fine. So, uh, what should I be sitting on? Should I just get an upturned KFC bucket? :'''Malcolm:''' A fucking normal chair, right? Not a fucking massive vibrating throne. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Glenn, Ollie and Terri are watching Malcolm's conversation with Nicola outside the office...wondering if Nicola will keep any of them on.)'' :'''Glenn:''' Malcolm must be hating this. All these bright, fresh, new ministers to blood in ''and'' to plan a by-election. :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' If it's any consolation to you, a little bit of you will always be in this department, because she's nabbed your chair. Hasn't she? She's got your chair, and, in fact, your dandruff. :'''Glenn:''' Ha ha ha. If I go, that chair is coming with me. :'''Ollie:''' You know those old men you see who go to the park to read the paper? That'll be you. You could go in your chair. They'd make you King of All the Tramps. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Meanwhile, in Nicola's office...)'' :'''Malcolm:''' So, uh, you got three kids, yeah? :'''Nicola:''' Uh, I've got four. :'''Malcolm:''' Four! :'''Nicola:''' Yeah. Katie's 16, she's the eldest. She's just left school. :'''Malcolm:''' Not going to a college or university? :'''Nicola:''' Um, she's a bit of a rebel. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(concerned)'' What sort of a rebel? I mean, so, I mean, look, what are we talking here? Are we talking a pierced navel or holidays at Pakistani training camp? :'''Nicola:''' It's-it's chiefly heroin. ''(beat)'' Although she has cut down since getting pregnant by that Nigerian people-smuggler, because the track marks would have affected her porn career. :''(Terri has awkwardly entered the office. She politely apologizes for the interruption, but feels...a little awkward about the conversation taking place.)'' :'''Terri:''' I'm sorry to disturb. Um... ''(to Malcolm)'' Morning, Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' Morning, Terri. :'''Terri:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Just wanted to give you a few things here. That's change from the fruit salad. This is this morning's paper. Do excuse me. :''(Terri politely leaves the office...and Nicola resumes her chat with Malcolm.)'' :'''Nicola:''' Um, I'm surprised that you, uh, haven't vetted me, I thought you'd know about the kids. :'''Malcolm:''' It's just that 'cause you were just a sort of, you were a bit of a late-ish kind of appointment. :'''Nicola:''' Mmm. :'''Malcolm:''' That didn't quite give me the time to, you know, to "fuck the I'd and fist the T's," as Robert Robertson might say. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Sounds to me like that she's only bringing in, um, one other person, so...you know, I wonder whether she might keep one of us on permanently. :'''Terri:''' Thank God I'm safe. :'''Glenn:''' ''(annoyed)'' Je- We ''know'' you're safe, Terri! How do we know you're safe? We know your safe, because you keep using the word "safe," like bloody [[wikipedia:Jim_Bowen|Jim Bowen]]! :'''Ollie:''' ''(imitating Jim Bowen presenting [[wikipedia:Bullseye_(British_game_show)|Bullseye)]]'' Yeah, you've got DoSAC, that's safe. Do you want to go for the treasury, young lady? <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm and Nicola are now discussing her kids...including Nicola's 11-year-old daughter, who is starting secondary school in September.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Okay. Mrs. Walton. What about these other kids? What-what ages are they? :'''Nicola:''' They're 11, 9 and 5. :'''Malcolm:''' 11? :'''Nicola:''' Mmm-hmm. :'''Malcolm:''' So that's, uh, secondary school? :'''Nicola:''' No, she's, uh, still at primary, state primary. Lovely little school with, um, terrible SATS results, but, you know, really good kind of broad demographic and steel band. :'''Malcolm:''' So, she will be going to a secondary school, what, in September? :'''Nicola:''' Yeah, yeah. So, um...I-I can see where this is going. Um, it's not an issue. :'''Malcolm:''' Great! If it's not an issue, I'll just fucking toddle off, then. I'll go and have a nice relaxing wee sleep under my duvet. Probably won't even have to tug myself off, 'cause I'm so fucking relaxed about that. 'Cause I know that there is no fucking issue here. Right? :'''Nicola:''' She's not going to the comprehensive, Malcolm. She's going to a local independent school. :'''Malcolm:''' Jesus H fucking ''Corbett.'' Do you honestly think, do you honestly believe that as a minister you can get away with that? You are saying that, uh, that, that all your local state schools, ''all'' the schools that this government has drastically improved are knife-addled rape sheds, and that's not a big story? For fuck's sake. Sort it or abort it! :'''Nicola:''' Let's get this clear: My family is off limits, all right? This job is not gonna get anywhere near my husband and my kids, it just doesn't. :'''Malcolm:''' Of course it fucking does. As per the wee barcode and the serial number under your right armpit, you are now built and owned by the state, and you are under the spotlight 24 hours a day, darling! ''(beat)'' Do you know what you are? You're a fucking human dartboard, and [[wikipedia:Eric_Bristow|Eric fucking Bristow]]'s on the [[wikipedia:Oche|oche]] flinging a million darts made of human shit right at you. Can you take that? Can you? :'''Nicola:''' Okay, look. You, the "All-Swearing Eye." You didn't even know how many kids I had! You had to ask me! So who on Earth in the press is gonna even know or care? :'''Malcolm:''' Do you remember ''[[wikipedia:The Big Breakfast|The Big Breakfast]]''? Remember that programme? :'''Nicola:''' ''(exasperated)'' Yes! :'''Malcolm:''' You remember how [[wikipedia:Chris Evans (presenter)|Chris Evans]] started that? Do you remember it was a big success? And then they had that guy, [[wikipedia:Johnny Vaughan|Johnny Vaughan]], remember him? :'''Nicola:''' Uh-huh. :'''Malcolm:''' Everybody loved him. Fuck knows why, but they loved him. Do you know what this is here? This here is fucking Series 10 of ''The Big Breakfast.'' And do you know what you are? You're the fucking dinner lady that they have asked to come and present the show. The reason I didn't know about you and your children is 'cause you were so low down on the list of candidates for this job, I didn't even have the chance to look into you. ''(beat)'' So low. ''(beat)'' Wayyyyy way way way way way way way wayyy...low. :''(A brief pause...and then Malcolm starts up again.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' You are now being scrutinised for what you wear, what you say. For your hair, your shoes, your fucking earrings, your fucking cleavage ''and'' your dress, which, by the way, is ''way'' too loud! :'''Nicola:''' TOO LOUD?! :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, I'm getting fucking tinnitus here! Look. ''(beat)'' Your crooked husband, I can make go away. But your crooked husband combined with you being worried about your underage daughter coming home up the duff from some truanting bastard, I cannot. She goes to the comp, okay? :''(Malcolm finally leaves Nicola's office, allowing Nicola to recover from the Terrible Tucker Tornado.)'' :'''Nicola:''' ''(relieved)'' Oooh, God... <hr width="50%"/> :''(At Number 10, Malcolm sees Ed walking down the hall, all stressed out.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Hey, what's wrong with you? You look like you've shat a Lego garage or something. :'''Ed:''' Jim Lane's daughter is standing as an independent in Leamington Spa. :''(Malcolm and Ed start walking...)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(silently, to himself)'' For fuck's sake...fuck. ''(to Ed)'' This is gonna split our vote. :'''Ed:''' Do you think we're in trouble? Maybe we should have chosen her over Liam Bentley. :'''Malcolm:''' No. She thinks just because her dead fat-arse dad was the MP that gives her the right to be our candidate? No no no. This isn't Czarist Russia. It's not the fucking Dimblebys. :'''Ed:''' What do we do? :'''Malcolm:''' We send everyone up there, to support Liam Bentley, including the Prime Minister. :'''Ed:''' You want to send Tom up there? :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, fuck it, he'll be all right as long as he doesn't do the smile. You hit the phones, right? I'll be with you in two shakes of a crying baby. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' You have been asked by the PM, specifically, to pop along to Leamington, and do some photo ops with Liam Bentley, supporting him, yeah? :'''Nicola:''' I don't really have any choice, do I? :'''Malcolm:''' Of course you have a choice. You can decide exactly how you say yes. You can do it with a voice. Have fun with it. :'''Nicola:''' ''(Pause)'' Yes. ''(Beat)'' In my own voice. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' ''(on the phone)'' Well you know what, Howard, she's not bent, either in the sense of being corrupt or being gay. And by the way, that's an incredibly homophobic headline, you massive poof. ''(enters Nicola's office)'' You've got egg on your face, Howard, you over-easy pissbag. ''(hangs up. To Terri, Ollie and Glenn)'' Oh hey, [[Yoko Ono]] and the two remaining Beatles, piss off. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Nicola suspects that Malcolm set up the 'I am bent' photos)'' :'''Nicola:''' Malcolm. Sorry, can we just carry on talking about that thing? Was it you who positioned me there? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(waiting for a lift)'' Do you know what the first sign of madness is? Paranoia. Have you seen that film, you know, ''[[A Beautiful Mind (film)|A Beautiful Mind]]'', the one with that, er, [[Russell Crowe]]? The one where [[wikipedia:John_Forbes_Nash_Jr.|the maths guy]] thinks that the CIA are working away in his shed at the bottom of his garden? That's you. :'''Nicola:''' No. I'm not the mad one here. ''You'' are the mad one, you're Russell Crowe. :'''Malcolm:''' No, no, no, ''you'' are Russell Crowe. ''(waves patronisingly at her)'' And you need to fucking listen to me, Russell, you fucking Antipodean fucking kangaroo-loving fruitcake! See this poster stuff? That's fucking small fry. That's fucking whitebait, Russ me old [[wiktionary:cobber#English|cobber]]. ''(enters the lift)'' The really horrible stuff, that's all still about to happen to you, right? Right, you're coming in here so we can carry this on? :'''Nicola:''' What, now? :'''Malcolm:''' Err, if you can spare the time! :'''Nicola:''' Err, no. ''(Pause)'' No, I can't – I don't use lifts, I'm claustrophobic. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(incredulous)'' You're ''what?'' :'''Nicola:''' Not hugely, I can be in rooms, you've seen that, I just don't do lifts, that's all. :'''Malcolm:''' But this lift is – I mean, it's fucking huge! I mean, this is bigger than some rooms, this is bigger than some people's flats! :'''Nicola:''' It's about not being able to get out. :'''Malcolm:''' Oh, well that's great. That's fucking great, that's another fucking thing, right there: not only have you got a fucking bent husband and a fucking daughter that gets taken to school in a fucking sedan chair, you're also fucking ''mental!'' Jesus Christ, see you, you are a fucking ''[[w:omnishambles|omnishambles]]'', that's what you are. You're like that coffee machine, you know: "from bean to cup, you fuck up". :'''Nicola:''' ''(to herself, returning to her office)'' He so is Russell Crowe! :'''Terri:''' ''(at her desk, overhearing)'' Who? <hr width="50%"/> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Where the fuck is Doug Hayes? :'''Ed:''' Yes, we put in a lot of calls. :'''Malcolm:''' Well, put it a lot more calls: I'm talking 'psycho ex-girlfriend with a really good tariff'. <hr width="50%"/> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Glenn:''' Because if you are worried about Malcolm, well, you know, Ollie and I have amassed one or two tips, how to deal with him, over the years. It's pretty much common sense, really: don't drive a gas guzzler, don't sign up for [[wikipedia:Bupa|Bupa]], don't have an affair. Don't tell racist jokes, however ironic. :'''Nicola:''' Oh! :'''Glenn:''' Don't send your children to independent schools. :'''Ollie:''' Don't dig up [[Diana, Princess of Wales|Diana]] and have [[Patrick Moore]] play Nazi drinking songs on her ribs.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Ollie:''' Yeah I suppose so, he's gonna have to let her go free-range for a week, isn't he? Till after the by-election. Then he can snap her beak off, cram her into the battery cage; Nicola: 'I'm not really good with cages', ''(impersonates Malcolm)'' 'Get in there Nicola, fucking get in till you're perfectly square, and you're shiteing cuboid eggs!' :'''Terri:''' ''(sighing)'' Thank God I'm safe. I'm glued to this department and you'd have to steam me off. :'''Glenn:''' Yeah. Well you don't have to worry about me: You don't hang around in this business as long as I have without picking up contacts. :'''Ollie:''' Yes, but [[Benjamin Disraeli|Disraeli]]'s dead, Glenn, he died in the Crimea, did you not hear the town crier announce it?<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Malcolm:''' It's never too soon to go to Leamington. It's the Venice of the Midlands, if Venice was fucking horrible. :'''Malcolm:''' Have a lovely time in Leamington, yeah? I hear it's got the best [[wikipedia:Lidl|Lidl]] in the West Midlands.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Nicola:''' ''(at the poster launch in Leamington)'' And we need to be investing, er, at least – :'''Glenn:''' Invest? Did I hear her say 'invest'? :'''Terri:''' ''(on the phone)'' Ollie, she's gone off-piste, she's off the mountain now. :'''Glenn:''' Oh, Jesus. She's so far off the mountain, she's being finger-banged in a chalet by Bigfoot. == Series 3, Episode 2 == :''(Malcolm and Nicola are talking about a newspaper story calling for Nicola to be "sacked.")'' :'''Nicola:''' You've seen the sack race thing, I suppose. Yeah, there it is. :''(Malcolm, of course, thinks the story is funny.)'' :'''Nicola:''' It's not funny! It's not even accurate, because technically I was fourth. So, really, they should have said, "Fourth in the Sack race." I think we should complain to the PCC. :'''Malcolm:''' Look, stop worrying: the PM is not going to sack you after a week. Sacked after twelve months, looks like you've fucked up; sacked after a week, looks like ''he's'' fucked up. :'''Nicola:''' I'm not doing ''terribly'', am I? :''(beat)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(looking out of the car window)'' I love the way that they've sandblasted everything around here. It's so ''clean''! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nicola:''' I'd just like people to get to know the real me. You know, I feel like I'm coming across as a bit...Oh, I don't know. Glum. :'''Malcolm:''' Smug. :'''Nicola:''' Smug? :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, you're coming across as more smug than glum. :'''Nicola:''' 'Cause I am actually quite a fun person, underneath all of this. I've got loads of friends. :'''Malcolm:''' Well, I'm sure you have, but the trouble is when you say something like that, it sounds a wee bit smug. ''(to Nicola's driver)'' Can you just pull in over here? And you can take out that cyclist as you go in, I think he's [[wikipedia:Shadow_Cabinet|Shadow Cabinet]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Nicola)'' I have here the minutes which are a record and – :'''Ollie:''' No no no, you can't just overwrite minutes! You specifically can't do it, 'cause you can't unlock a PDF file. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Robyn:''' Do you know, Malcolm? ''(Malcolm stares back, gravely)'' Er, the best way to clear a paper jam? :'''Malcolm:''' I don't know. Kill a kid an hour until it sorts itself out? <hr width="50%" /> :''(Nicola is trying to talk to Malcolm...)'' :'''Nicola:''' So. Malcolm -- :'''Malcolm:''' Oh, oh, oh. Incoming body parts. Excuse me. (Malcolm answers his cell phone) Look, if this has got any bigger, you're gonna feel the thump of a fucking harpoon in your thorax. :'''Nicola:''' ''(to Robyn)'' Does he know? Well, follow him. :'''Malcolm:''' (still on his phone) I hope you like shitting toenails, because that's what you're gonna be doing all of next week. And don't worry, I've painted them yellow so they'll look like fucking sweet corn. :''(Robyn is trying to secretly follow Malcolm, but backs away when she sees him coming her way)'' :'''Malcolm:''' (on his phone) The guy's a fucking liability! (softly) Jesus Christ. Listen, I want... :''(Robin makes her way back towards the others, and they have to whisper so Malcolm doesn't hear them talking.)'' :'''Robyn:''' Look, I couldn't hear everything, he takes very long strides... :'''Ollie:''' What, are you a fucking penguin? Just run. :'''Robyn:''' Look, I'm a civil servant, not a fucking Olympic athlete! :''(Malcolm seems to be off his cell phone...)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Right. What's occurring, Hermann Goring? :''(But then his cell phone rings. Again.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' (annoyed) ''WHAT?'' (And then...Malcolm doesn't like what he hears...) You're fucking kidding me. Excuse me. ''(to Nicola and the team)'' Two minutes and I will be back. <hr width="50%"/> :''(On Nicola's orders, Robyn starts following Malcolm again. She's soon approached by Glenn.) :'''Glenn:''' Hi, Robyn! Hey, look. Um...You know Phil Davis? Is he a Davies or a Davis? :'''Robyn:''' I know you don't like me, Glenn, but you're not sacking me. :'''Glenn:''' What? :''(Both Glenn and Robyn are smiling and laughing at each other falsely throughout their conversation...)'' :'''Glenn:''' (still laughing) I'm protecting you. :'''Robyn:''' Okay, well, you know, I've got your back as well. Even though I know you are the guy who authorized the wiping of the back-up. :'''Glenn:''' Well, that may or may not be true. :'''Robyn:''' Well, it is true. :'''Glenn:''' Well, it may or it may not be true. :'''Robyn:''' Well, that is true. <hr width="50%"/> :''(After spending a long time on his cell phone, Malcolm finally makes his way back to Nicola's office to see her and the staff. This time, he's making his entrance by jokingly pretending to be the Big Bad Wolf.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' (in a gruff voice) ''Little pigs...Little PIGS...Let me come in. Don't worry about the hair on your chinny-chin-chin.'' (Malcolm's still smiling.) :'''Nicola:''' So what was your call? :'''Malcolm:''' What was my call? :'''Glenn:''' Did you... :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' You want to know what my call was? :'''Nicola:''' Was it important? :'''Malcolm:''' I'm sorry, I didn't realize that I had to run my calls through your bed-wetters' switchboard here. I usually just dial 1-1-Hate. :'''Nicola:''' Malcolm, do you know? :'''Ollie:''' Obviously, he knows. :'''Glenn:''' No, he ''doesn't'' know. :''(Nicola decides to come clean to Malcolm.)'' :'''Nicola:''' There has been a massive irretrievable data loss. The last seven months' worth of new immigrant details have gone, apparently lost in the computer. :''(Malcolm can't help but smile and chuckle with disbelief...)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Do you know what, you know what's really fucking sad here is that I don't even have the energy to pretend I already knew. Which is for the best, because I'm gonna need all of my fucking energy to fucking rip all of your bodies to bits with my bare hands and sell off, ''(sees Nicola gesture to herself)'' yeah, sell off your fucking flayed skin, as a ''sleeping bag! To a fucking normal person!'' :'''Nicola:''' Can I just say that getting angry actually isn't gonna help anything. I've done anger, I'm currently at grief, I'm working my way towards, er, bargaining, whatever, you know – you're behind me. :'''Malcolm:''' So what is your great strategy for dealing with this? Come on: I mean, I'm fucking all ears, I'm fucking [[Andrew Marr]] here! :'''Nicola:''' So let's – Terri, let's hear what you – :'''Malcolm:''' Let's go, let's get going, high-level tactical discussion, I'm up for it! :'''Terri:''' Right, er, blaming the department minister might be a high-risk strategy. :'''Malcolm:''' Oh, high-risk: saucy! Power serve! :'''Nicola:''' My pitch would be: this department is fatally flawed, it's out of condition, it's obese, it's asthmatic. :'''Malcolm:''' That's it girl, back over the net. :'''Glenn:''' You need to be really sure about that, Nicola. :'''Malcolm:''' Yes, wise words from the distinguished elderly gay fucking tennis coach here. :'''Ollie:''' Seriously, I think we should talk about my strategy further because I really think that that's the way. :'''Malcolm''' ''(interrupting)'': Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, the fucking wee ball boy's having a go now with his wee fucking tight shorts on! ''(to Robyn, who has returned with a tray of drinks)'' What about [[wikipedia:Sue_Barker|Sue Barker]]'s little sister here? What's she got to say? You got something to say, to add to the conversation? :'''Robyn:''' No, er, just that there was no lemon zinger so, um, ''(to Nicola)'' this is coffee, is that all right? :'''Malcolm:''' Do ''The Guardian'' know about this? :'''Nicola:''' Oh fuck, I don't – Fucking ''Guardian'', I don't know. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, as it's referred to in my department. :'''Terri:''' Should I find out? Get some feelers? :'''Malcolm''' ''(looking at Terri's breasts)'': Yeah go on, get your feelers out for the lads. :'''Nicola:''' What do you think, Malcolm? Shitting on the department, will that work? :'''Malcolm:''' Yes, let's cause a little bit of friction. Let's fire someone. What about Glenn? :'''Ollie:''' No, you can't just fire Glenn like that! :'''Nicola:''' We could fire Glenn. :'''Terri:''' Shall I get his file? :'''Glenn:''' No! I've got a list! :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' See, there you are, he's got a list. :''(They're all leaving Nicola's office)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' You're a new broom, you're sweeping up trouble with one end, broom-handling incompetent staff up the tunnel with the other. :'''Nicola:''' So, Malcolm, how do we play it at ''The Guardian?'' :'''Malcolm:''' (smiling uncomfortably) Smile! Be gay! Smile, smile, smile! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm''' ''(arriving at Nicola's'' Guardian ''lunch)'': Afternoon, ladies! I heard there were sandwiches and I'm a fucker for cress – No no no, please don't get up, I'm not [[wikipedia:Sildenafil|Viagra]]. Geoffrey. ''(shakes hands)'' :'''Geoffrey:''' Always a pleasure. :'''Malcolm:''' Good to see you. John, how are you doing? ''(John gets up to shake hands)'' I just want to tell you, I really enjoyed your novel. :'''John:''' Oh, thank you very much! :'''Malcolm:''' Way of writing a fucking awful story. Joking, joking!<hr width="50%" /> :''(Nicola has accidentally revealed the data loss to an on-the-record journalist.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' FUCK'S SAKE! Jesus – Christ! Well, now we've got another fucking adjective to add to fucking 'smug' and 'glum', haven't we?! Fucking 'RETARDED'! JESUS Ch– Do you not think it would be germane to ''check'' who you're talking to?! IT'S A FUCKING NEWSPAPER OFFICE! IT'S NOT A FUCKING SANATORIUM FOR THE FUCKING DEAF, IS IT?! ARE YOU ''SO'' DENSE?! Am I gonna have to run around, slapping badges on people, with a big tick on some and a big cross on others, so you know ''when'' to shut your gob and when to open it?! Jesus Christ! Oh, but that'll probably confuse you as well, won't it?! That'll be too confusing! You'd see the cross and go "Oh, fuck! X marks the spot! Better tell this little person all about the Prime Minister's fucking CATASTROPHIC ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION!" Oh, but not to worry, not to worry, you've sent fucking Ollie over there to deal with it. ''(Nicola tries to speak)'' FUCKING OLLIE! HE'S A FUCKING- HE'S A FUCKING KNITTED SCARF, THAT TWAT, HE'S A FUCKING BALACLAVA! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nicola:''' It just seems to me that all we'd be losing if we got rid of Robyn is somebody who makes a weak cup of tea, you know, I don't think we've – ''(mobile rings)'' Shit, Malcolm. ''(answers)'' Hello? :'''Malcolm''' ''(in his office)'': Get over here, now. Might be advisable to wear brown trousers, and a shirt the colour of blood. ''(hangs up)'' :'''Nicola:''' Fuck. :'''Glenn:''' Has he run off? He does that. :'''Nicola:''' Yeah, it's all just gone really [[wikipedia:HBO|HBO]].<hr width="50%" /> :''(Nicola and Terri sit down in Malcolm's office.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' I just wanted to say to you, by way of introductory remarks, that I'm ''extremely'' miffed about today's events and, in my quest to try and make you understand the level of my, um, unhappiness, I'm likely to use an awful lot of what we would call ''violent sexual imagery'', and I just wanted to check that neither of you would be terribly offended by that. :'''Nicola:''' I could actually do without the theatrics, I think, Malcolm – :'''Malcolm:''' Enough. E-fucking-nough. You need to learn to shut your fucking cave, right? Today, you have laid your first big fat egg of solid fuck. You took the data loss media strategy, and you ate it with a lump of ''[[w:Escherichia coli|E. coli]]''. And then you sprayed it our of your arse at 300 miles per hour. :'''Nicola:''' I simply made a mistake, Malcolm – :'''Malcolm:''' You got [[wikipedia:Source_(journalism)#"Speaking_terms"|'on the record' and 'off the record']] fucking mixed up! What would have happened if, like, [[wikipedia:George_Martin|George Martin]] had done that? We'd have no fucking Beatles, that's what. Now, I don't give a fuck about that: I've had to fucking sit next to [[wikipedia:Paul McCartney|Paul McCartney]] at fucking [[wikipedia:Chequers|Chequers]]! :'''Nicola:''' The data loss wasn't my fault. :'''Malcolm:''' Fine, yeah, but I tell you what, it came out fucking pretty fast once you were in there, didn't it? Which makes me wonder, should I just go and talk to the boss? Should I go and tell him, "I don't think she's up to the job"? :'''Nicola:''' You said yourself that if he sacks me after a week it looks like ''he's'' fucked up. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, but that was before, when your only problem was a fucking shit pun in a newspaper, and a face like[[w: Dot Cotton | Dot Cotton]] licking piss off a nettle! :'''Nicola:''' ''Okay'', I messed up, right? I messed up! But I will from now on listen to every bit of advice you give me. Yeah, I'll go on ''Question Time'' wearing a push-up bra and a fez. Yeah, I'll do the hustings on stilts if that is what you tell me the strategy is. Because you know about that stuff, Malcolm. I know that. It's just that I've got things I want to do, all right? :'''Malcolm:''' Of course you do, like Montessori fucking rocking horses, I suppose. :'''Nicola:''' No, no. :'''Malcolm:''' ''The Mail'' have the motherlode on this, right? So that means that there is a way through this for us, but it entails you, my dear, eating a complete concrete mixer full of humble pie. :''(Terri speaks for the first time in the meeting)'' :'''Terri:''' ''(with pen and diary ready)'' Right, what's the strategy? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(dramatic growl)'' The [[wikipedia:Kraken|Kraken]] awakes! :'''Terri:''' No no no, it's just that, I mean, this is the first bit of the meeting that hasn't been about expletives and fezzes and stilts and [[wikipedia:Teabagging|teabagging]], I mean, this is the bit that relates to media management. :'''Malcolm:''' I didn't say anything about teabagging. Do you even know what teabagging is? :'''Terri:''' Not really, no; er, I'm told it's unpleasant.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Nicola:''' I don't know where 'smug' comes from, I mean, I've aged ten years in the past week: I looked at myself in the mirror this morning and I thought, 'Fuck me, it's a [[wikipedia:Pantomime_dame|pantomime dame]]'. So an informal off-the-record lunch meet at ''The Guardian'': apparently it's a sort of shoot-the-breeze, you know, 'Have you seen the latest [[Mad Men|''Mad Men'']]? Isn't [[wikipedia:Andrew_Neil|Andrew Neil]] a jerk?' sort of thing. :'''Malcolm:''' ''The Guardian''? Don't tell them any fucking anecdotes about your children, or they'll offer you a fucking column.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Nicola:''' Right, when I came into this department I thought, 'OK. Let's turn a fresh page.' So I turned a fresh page, and you collectively have drawn a ''gigantic fucking cock'' on it!<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Glenn''' ''(to Robyn)'': Part of the strategy is to warn us when Malcolm is coming back, so it's your job to block the path. You're [[wikipedia:The_300_Spartans|the Spartans]] at [[wikipedia:Battle_of_Thermopylae|Thermopylae]]. You're [[wikipedia:Richard_Egan_(actor)|Richard Egan]] with an oily chest. :''(later, in Nicola's office)'' :'''Ollie:''' One possible strategy might be not to tell anybody. :'''Glenn:''' What, we keep it a secret? :'''Robyn''' ''(running in)'': Sorry, sorry. Malcolm's coming. Sorry. :'''Glenn:''' What? You were meant to be delaying him, you're supposed to be the Spartans! :'''Robyn:''' Well I couldn't really remember what the Spartans did, I'm not as old as you, Glenn!<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Marianne Swift:''' Data, exactly, I heard what you said about your data loss. :'''Malcolm:''' Did you say that? :'''Nicola:''' No, er, well I don't remem– I don't recognise those words, and I don't recognise you! :'''Marianne Swift:''' What? :'''Malcolm:''' So you see, the Minister may just have misspoke. But what she said was just words, right, not real statements. You know, that's like – you know, if there was a blast of wind over a harp, and it hit the strings, this wind, and it made the harp accidentally say, 'I'm a cat fucker', would that mean that that harp was actually a cat fucker, in real life, in reality? In the world we live in? :'''Nicola:''' Yeah, that's a really good question, yeah. == Series 3, Episode 3 == :''(Today is the day of the big Party Conference.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(on his cell phone)'' We need to persuade Matt Delaney not to [[wikipedia:Crossing_the_floor#Changing_parties|cross the floor]]. I think we should use the [[wikipedia:Carrot_and_stick|carrot-and-stick]] approach, yeah. You take a carrot, you stick it up his fucking arse, followed by the stick, followed by an even bigger, rougher carrot. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Nicola and Ollie arrive at Glenn's hotel room, where Glenn has already arrived and waiting for them.)'' :'''Glenn:''' Ah, you got past mad conference security, then? :'''Nicola:''' It's bonkers, isn't it? It's like trying to get through Israeli customs wearing a T-shirt saying, "I heart bombing Israel." :'''Glenn:''' I know. I mean, I had to wait for an hour and they practically gave me a cavity search. :'''Ollie:''' Aw, only practically? The sense of disappointment in your voice is almost palpable. :''(Nicola notices the size of Glenn's room.)'' :'''Nicola:''' Oh, your bed's bigger than mine. In fact, your whole room's bigger than mine. :'''Glenn:''' ''(feeling awkward)'' Well, um...Do you want it? :'''Ollie:''' "Mr. Lova Lova," full marks for foreplay there, Glenn, straight in. :'''Nicola:''' ''(reassuring Glenn)'' Do I want your room? No, honestly. I just thought they'd all be the same, sort of vanilla and monotonous. :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Did you ask them for your special tiny kettle? :'''Nicola:''' ''(chuckling)'' It's an electric thimble. :'''Ollie:''' Maybe the room only looks bigger because Glenn's kettle is so tiny! :''(The three of them now shift their discussion to more serious and important business.)'' :'''Nicola:''' ''(to Glenn)'' So, has our People's Champion arrived? Have you spoken to her? Is she alright? :'''Glenn:''' Oh no no no no, she should be over it by now. Her husband died, what, 4 months ago? So, I mean, she's beyond the crying phase. :'''Ollie:''' She's clearly not that over it, Glenn. She's leading a public campaign to change building regulations. :'''Nicola:''' Yeah, well, you know, 7 people died when that café collapsed. She's entitled to her 15 minutes. How do you think I should, um... mention the tragedy when I talk to her? :'''Ollie:''' Just, um, "Sorry for your loss, thoughts with you at this very difficult time," yada yada yada, all of, you know... Not-Without the "yada yada yada" bit, obviously. :'''Nicola:''' Am I gonna need some jokes for my speech? :'''Glenn:''' Oh, do you think that's a good idea? :'''Nicola:''' Not collapsing café jokes. :'''Glenn:''' No. :'''Ollie:''' That's a shame, I had a bunch of those. Thought you could call them, uh, the Little Chef Seven. You know, Special of the Day: Crumble! :'''Nicola:''' See, that's not funny. <hr width="50%"/> :''(John Duggan, a press officer at the conference, arrives at Nicola's room to introduce himself to Nicola and her team.)'' :'''John Duggan:''' Howdy Doody, Minister. I'm John Duggan, your press officer at the conference. :'''Nicola:''' Oh, hello. Nicola Murray, hi. :'''John:''' How was your holiday? :'''Nicola:''' Ah, well, you know, we wanted to go to Florida but Malcolm 'suggested' we went to [[wikipedia:Suffolk|Suffolk]], and so the kids were miserable, weather was miserable, and Malcolm rang and shouted at me for looking miserable. :'''John:''' I saw the photo of you, in the wellies next to the horse. 'Why the long face?' It was funny. ''(Nicola looks up, unimpressed)'' Or not, depending on your perspective. Still, things are looking up: you're in [[wikipedia:Eastbourne|Eastbourne]] now, which really is the jewel in the crown of our shit seaside resorts. [[wikipedia:Clacton-on-Sea|Clacton]] of the South West, they call it.<hr width="50%"/> :''(Nicola is trying to get John to push through the press a story about Peter Mannion taking a second holiday, which would put Peter in a negative light.)'' :'''Nicola:''' John, are you across this thing about, um, Peter Mannion lining up a second holiday? :'''John:''' Um, Mannion, right, yeah. :'''Nicola:''' Peter Mannion, my opposite number, you know? :'''John:''' Yes. :'''Nicola:''' Okay, good. So you're going to push that for the press for me, yeah? 'Cause I just want to remind people that while he's criticizing us over the recession, he's, you know, swanning around on his friend's massive yacht. :'''John:''' Oh, okay. "He's gay." :'''Glenn:''' Oh, for fuck... :'''Ollie:''' No, not gay. :'''Nicola:''' It's a hypocrisy thing. :'''John:''' (stammering) Yeah, well, I mean, in-in-in in principle, yeah. But it-it it is conference, so my to-do list is longer than a big willy. :'''Nicola:''' John, without wishing to sound blunt...Um, actually, you know what? Fuck it, let's sound blunt. ''(bluntly)'' It is your job. :'''John:''' I'll do what I can. That is a Duggan promise. :''(John leaves the room.)'' :'''Nicola:''' He's not gonna do it, is he? :'''Glenn:''' Absolutely fucking useless. :'''Nicola:''' He's completely not gonna do it. <hr width="50%"/> :''(John returns just as the group is discussing Julie Price, Nicola's "People's Champion.")'' :'''Ollie:''' ''(to John)'' Glenn says that she's changed her Facebook status to 'single and up for it', ''(John starts laughing)'' which I believe is actually why Glenn brought her here in the first place. :'''Glenn:''' Listen, John: There's an outside chance that she may just prefer to meet a human being, so I'm gonna come down with you. :'''Ollie:''' Good idea, you can buy her a coffee, can't you – you could maybe buy her a Collapsuccino. :'''John:''' ''(laughing)'' Might bring back memories of her latte husband. As in late husband. We're like [[wikipedia:Dick_and_Dom|Dick and Dom]], aren't we? Great chemistry. :'''Glenn:''' Yeah. Except neither one of [[wikipedia:Dick_(slang)|you]] are Doms. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Nicola is in the bathroom -- on her cell phone, though. She's having a chat with Terri, who's driving her car while talking to Nicola.)'' :'''Nicola:''' Terri, hi, it's me. :'''Terri:''' ''(on the phone, happily)'' Hi, Nicola! :'''Nicola:''' Have you read up about this Peter Mannion second holiday thing on the Dig Deep blog? :'''Terri:''' No, no, I haven't actually seen that. Where's he off to? :'''Nicola:''' Amalfi. So could you make a few phone calls? See if you can get it some press traction? :'''Terri:''' I'm sorry, I just can't do that. That's a party political matter. You're gonna have to get John Duggan onto that, 'cause it's his responsibility. :'''Nicola:''' Trouble is, Terri, that the only thing John Duggan is doing here is depriving a village somewhere of a twat. :'''Terri:''' Ah, yes, I've heard he's about as useless as a chocolate teapot. Although I probably shouldn't say that, sounds a bit racist, doesn't it? :'''Nicola:''' Where are you, Terri? :'''Nicola:''' I'm ju-just on the way down to Hastings to see my sister. Poor thing, having some trouble shifting a piano. So what I'm doing is I'm working from home today. :'''Nicola:''' No, you're not working and you're not at home, so as my 16-year old would say, "You are totally busted." :''(And make no mistake -- Terri is totally busted! She exhales, knowing Nicola has caught her in a lie.)'' <hr width="50%"/> :''(In this scene, Nicola and Ollie are working on her upcoming speech.)'' :'''Nicola:''' OK, right, what have we got on the workplace gym reward scheme? :'''Ollie:''' Er, fighting obesity is one of the biggest challenges we face, sleepwalking into a crisis, ticking time bomb – :'''Nicola:''' You write almost entirely in generic meaningless buzzwords, don't you? :'''Ollie:''' I could take it more street, if you prefer – 'You is all proper bloaters and it is well gay, biatch' – but, you know, this is the language – :'''Nicola:''' No, but, you know – I just don't want to come across all [[wikipedia:Nanny_state|nanny-state]] and sort of – 'Death by Chocolate is not a funny name for a pudding, it's a real and genuine concern', you know, I don't want to give the press another opportunity to see me as Mrs. Sour Power Vinegar Tits sucking on a lemon. :'''Ollie:''' Fine, I understand, so we'll sugar-coat it. :'''Nicola:''' Well, leaven it, ideally, with a couple of jokes. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, all right, no problemo. :''(Nicola then gives Ollie a "Well?" look.)'' :'''Ollie:''' Now-Now? Jokes now? :'''Nicola:''' Yeah. :'''Ollie:''' OK, how about: 'We want people to be fit, not fit to burst'? :'''Nicola:''' I'm gonna have to go down the slapstick route, aren't I? Do the speech straight, but dressed as Freddie Starr's Hitler. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Meanwhile, Malcolm is joking around with journalists from various newspapers, including Angela Heaney from the Daily Mail.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(looking at pictures)'' I mean, these are the worst pictures I've seen, really, they are. I don't know who was taking them. [[wikipedia:Roy Orbison|Roy fucking Orbison]] you've got doing that. :'''Angela:''' Oh, Malcolm? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Angela)'' Yeah? :'''Angela:''' Have you seen Rob Holt's blog today? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Oh yeah, of course. Yeah, I read Rob Holt's blog. I read all the blogs. 'Cause basically, I'm an under-employed, fat fucking loser. Got nothing better to do with my time than to sit in my bedroom like a fat space-hopper in a tracksuit, reading inconsequential, un-spellchecked shit fabricated by other fat, farting, fucking losers. :'''Angela:''' Well, he's saying that the big health numbers in the PM's speech -- they're from a false sample. Apparently, they're -- they're lifted from Andrew Dover's blog, not from the ONS. :'''Malcolm:''' I wouldn't take any notice of it. There's-There's nothing in that at all. :'''Angela:''' ''Nothing'' in it? :'''Malcolm:''' Nothing at all. I'll catch you's later, okay? :''(But sure enough, Malcolm gets on his cell phone and calls his personal assistant, Sam.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(on his phone)'' Sam, the health stats fuck-up is out there. And I don't know who's doing it, but I want his balls on a fucking plate. ''(beat)'' Well, I don't know. Google "goolies." <hr width="50%"/> :''(In this scene, Nicola meets face-to-face with Julie Price, the "People's Champion" for today's Party Conference.)'' :'''Glenn:''' Nicola, this is Julie. :'''Nicola:''' ''(to Julie, warmly)'' Thank you so much for joining us. What you're doing is really important. :'''Julie Price:''' ''(jokingly)'' Well, hi, I'm your regional photo opportunity for the day. :'''Nicola:''' ''(laughing)'' That's--That's not...That's not the way it is. I hope you appreciate that. :'''Julie:''' ''(smiling)'' I was just kidding. :'''Ollie:''' That's a good joke. :'''Nicola:''' ''(happily)'' Oh, good, and that's what we need in this room right now! :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Um, Julie's written a speech. :'''Nicola:''' ''(surprised)'' Oh, right, for today. :'''Julie:''' Yeah. :'''Nicola:''' What's that about, then? :'''Julie:''' Well, basically, I start by kind of doing a tribute to me husband, Jason. :'''Nicola:''' Uh-huh. :'''Julie:''' And then, we'll move on to the campaign. ''(Julie sits down)'' Um, we'll get to the middle section, and I just really want to tell everyone how we're trying to take that bastard to court, you know. :'''Nicola:''' You'll get that opportunity. :'''Julie:''' Me and 6 women, whose husbands have died, we're trying our best to do him. But you know what that bastard did? :'''Glenn:''' Tell me. :'''Julie:''' He sent everyone off the site and he changed the equipment, you know. He changed it to the actual, proper legal equipment. So, obviously, we've got no proof. :'''Glenn:''' What, overnight? :'''Julie:''' Yeah, overnight. :'''Nicola:''' ''(saddened)'' Yeah. What a-What a bastard. What a-What a bastard. :''(Poor Julie's worked herself up...)'' :'''Julie:''' And -- Oh, God, I'm sweating like a fat lass. :'''Nicola:''' ''(concerned)'' Are you-I mean, maybe this isn't a great room for you to be in. We've got to write some stupid jokes about a rich bloke on a yacht. :'''Glenn:''' I mean, that's so trivial... :'''Julie:''' I've got more to tell you. :'''Nicola:''' Yeah, I want to hear it. I want to hear it. :'''Julie:''' ''(getting up to leave)'' There's not -- Just a couple of pages. :'''Nicola:''' Yeah, let's-we'll knock off this stuff, and then I'm with you. :'''Julie:''' Nice to meet you. :'''Nicola:''' Ollie's a lovely guy. He'll look after you. <hr width="50%"/> :''(In this scene, Ollie introduces Malcolm to Julie. Malcolm is genuinely warm and empathetic towards Julie.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Julie Price...I'm so sorry for your loss. Hey, you're being looked after well enough, yeah? :'''Julie Price:''' Yeah, not bad. :'''Malcolm:''' You stick with Ollie. He's...yeah, he's a good guy. I know he looks a bit like an anorexic [[wikipedia:Leo Sayer|Leo Sayer]] there. Listen, could I have a photograph taken with you? :'''Julie:''' Who, me? :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. I've got a little correction of memories, you know. [[Nelson Mandela|Mandela]] and stuff. ''(to Ollie)'' Ollie, would you be so kind as to do the honor, good sir? :''(Ollie takes a picture of Malcolm and Julie together.)'' :'''Julie:''' ''(to Malcolm, happily)'' You're a stunner, ye. :'''Malcolm:''' No, no, you're a stunner. You really are. Very impressive. You know, I'm not the only one who finds you impressive. The PM...he finds you very impressive. :'''Julie:''' That's good. :'''Ollie:''' Well, great. :'''Malcolm:''' I think that there is a point in his speech today... :'''Julie:''' Mmm? :'''Malcolm:''' ...where he would be very honored to introduce you. Is that something that would interest you? :'''Julie:''' Yeah. :'''Ollie:''' Yes, it might clash, though, with, uh, with Nicola's championing of Julie's cause. :'''Julie:''' Oh, God. Look, the nerves are getting to us. I need to use your bog. :''(Poor Julie has to go to the bathroom...)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, that's the ladies there. :''(Ollie doesn't like what Malcolm's doing.)'' :'''Ollie:''' Malcolm, you can't...You can't do that. She's our bonus track. She's our DVD Easter egg. We need her for the speech. :'''Malcolm:''' Boo-fucking-hoo. Can do and have done. :'''Ollie:''' Yes, but that...What, in two hours, two hours, think of a whole new speech? :'''Malcolm:''' Oh, welcome to the Men's Room! Jesus Christ, listen. It's this simple, right? If she goes on with Nicola, she'll be watched by 15 housebound mouth-breathers. Oh, and by the ever-swelling ranks of the unemployed, who fucking hate us, by the way. But if she goes on with Tom, she'll make the 10 o'clock news, right? :''(Julie has finally returned, AND...)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Julie, hi. Feel better? :'''Julie:''' Yeah, good. :'''Malcolm:''' Yes. Now what's it gonna be, Julie darling? Do you want to go with the teas maid...or with the caravan? :'''Julie:''' ''(excited)'' I'm going with the caravan. That is the Prime Minister? :'''Malcolm:''' That is the Prime Minister, yes. :'''Julie:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Sorry, Ollie. It's nice to meet you. :'''Malcolm:''' Julie, this way, come on. Are you actually in the hotel, or are you staying... :''(As Malcolm and Julie leave together, Ollie runs back to Glenn's room to alert Glenn and Nicola of the bad news.)'' <hr width="50%"/> :''(Nicola and Glenn are in her room trying to write her speech...)'' :'''Glenn:''' "So, joking aside..." Of course, we haven't fucking got those yet. :'''Nicola:''' I know. :'''Glenn:''' Whatever they are, right... :''(When all of a sudden, Ollie re-enters the room.)'' :'''Ollie:''' ''(anxious as hell)'' Right, right. :'''Glenn:''' "It's now my great pleasure -- " ''(to Ollie)'' We're just doing the... :'''Ollie:''' No no no, listen. Um -- listen! :'''Glenn:''' What? :'''Ollie:''' You know when something, well, something bad, but you know when something bad happens and you think it's not as bad as... :'''Nicola:''' What's happened? :'''Glenn:''' Where's Julie? :'''Ollie:''' Malcolm's commandeered Julie for the PM's speech. We bumped into each other and he... :'''Glenn:''' What do you mean he's ''commandeered'' her? You're supposed to be looking after her, for fuck's sake! :'''Nicola:''' No, no, no, no, no, he hasn't. No. :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' We can't even fucking trust you to babysit! :'''Ollie:''' ''Malcolm'' took her... :'''Glenn:''' Just say no! :'''Ollie:''' ''(getting defensive)'' You don't just say no! :'''Glenn:''' What part of "no" don't you understand? :'''Ollie:''' Babysitting isn't a fucking... :''(Nicola starts pounding and stomping on a pillow -- pretending that the pillow is Malcolm!)'' :'''Nicola:''' ''MALCOLM! FUCKING -- FUCK MALCOLM! FUCK MALCOLM! FUCK MALCOLM! FUCK MALCOLM! FUCK MALCOLM!'' :'''Ollie:''' Well, um, that was my, uh, initial reaction as well. :'''Glenn:''' Deep breath, Nicola. :'''Nicola:''' Yes, yes I know. Thank you, thank you, FUCK OFF! Thank you! :'''Glenn:''' Right, yes. What do you want us to do? :''(Nicola pushes Glenn and Ollie out of the way and runs to the bathroom.) :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Do you want your Rescue Remedy? :'''Nicola:''' No, fuck off! ''(Nicola takes a few deep breaths...)'' Get me some ketamine. I want to separate my mind from my body. :'''Glenn:''' Jesus Christ, poor Nicola. I'm going to go and talk to the bastard. :'''Ollie:''' Yes. :'''Glenn:''' Take some reasonable... :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn, sarcastically)'' Yeah, that's right, rip your shirt off! Go on, Braveheart! FREEDOM! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' Listen, just casually mention to Alan Dunn and, er, Lindsay Anorexi at the Mail, that the PM has brought Julie Price to the conference. :'''John:''' That's not strictly true, though, is it? :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well ''[[wikipedia:Strictly Come Dancing|Strictly Come Dancing]]'' isn't strictly dancing, is it? They also have a bit at the beginning where [[wikipedia:Bruce_Forsyth|an old man]] ''dribbles''. So what? :'''John:''' Well, I didn't really follow that. Um, my point is... :''(Malcolm sees Glenn coming his way...and Glenn's pretty darn mad now.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Oh, Glenn, right. Okay, mate, look, I can see that you're a tad peeved. :'''Glenn:''' I'm not having it. You've gone too far. :'''Malcolm:''' Hey, get a grip, Glenn. I didn't fucking come in your mouth. :''(John starts laughing)'' :'''Glenn:''' ''(to John, angrily)'' Are you in on this? :'''John:''' Oh, God, no, no, no. I'm just obeying orders, you know, like a Nazi guard. (John jokingly gives the Nazi salute.) Only in a non-gassy way. :''(to Julie)'' You're not Jewish, are you? :'''Julie:''' No. :'''John:''' ''(relieved)'' Oh, good. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to John)'' Can you just take her? :'''John:''' Oh, yeah, uh... ''(to Julie)'' Why don't you go in here? There's some important people and biscuits in there. Have a coffee. Didn't mean to bring back bad memories. :'''Julie:''' ''(confused)'' What are you on about? :'''John:''' Your husband dying in a café. :''(While John takes Julie into the room, Malcolm and Glenn continue their argument.)'' :'''Glenn:''' You can't just take her! That's people trafficking! :'''Malcolm:''' Am I being threatened by [[wikipedia:Harold Bishop|Harold fucking Bishop]]? :'''Glenn:''' No, Malcolm... :''(John comes back into the hallway to try and make peace...)'' :'''John:''' Okay, guys, can we just... :''(But then, Malcolm sees Ollie coming to join the shenanigans.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Oh, shit, wow, here's the beige fucking Power Ranger now. :'''Glenn:''' Yeah, and we're taking her back! :'''Malcolm:''' Do not make this a disciplinary issue. Do you hear me, soldier? :'''Glenn:''' I found her! I fucking found her! :'''Malcolm:''' She was on the fucking news! Get this guy out of here! :''(NOW, tempers are flaring!)'' :'''John:''' Can we get a bit more sane about this, please? :'''Malcolm:''' It is not a fucking discussion. :'''John:''' Right, nobody argue. :'''Glenn:''' I am going to go in there and I am going to take her! :'''Malcolm:''' You will fucking not! :'''Glenn:''' Fuck off! Fuck -- :''(And then -- Malcolm punches Glenn in the NOSE! Ollie catches Glenn's fall.)'' :'''Ollie:''' Jesus Christ! :'''John:''' Oh my God... :'''Malcolm:''' You've hurt yourself. :'''John:''' I've got so much on, as it is. :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' You hit me! :'''Malcolm:''' I did not hit you! I went to hit the fucking wall and pulled my fist back and hit you in the fucking face instead! :'''Glenn:''' I think you've broken my nose! :'''Malcolm:''' No no no, that's just a scratch, mate! :'''John:''' Noses can't break, anyway. That's a myth. :'''Glenn:''' ''(to John)'' What the fuck are you talking about? :'''Malcolm:''' Look, look, just lean forward. You know, you want the blood to flow out of your nose, not down your throat like a fucking gurgling drain. :'''Glenn:''' Don't touch me! :'''Ollie:''' ''(feeling sorry for Glenn)'' Look at him. :'''Glenn:''' Have you got a hanky? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' You go look after Julie, right? ''(to John)'' John, let's get Glenn back to his room. :'''John:''' Okay, yeah. :''(Malcolm's now looking around for possible witnesses)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to John)'' Nobody saw that, did they? :'''John:''' No, it's like when a fight starts, you're just like, "Fight, fight, fight!" :''(Ollie and Julie are coming near)'' :'''Julie:''' All right? All right? :'''Ollie:''' If we can just get... :''(Julie notices that Glenn's holding his nose.)'' :'''Julie:''' Is he okay? :''(The guys are pretending Glenn's OK.)'' :'''Ollie:''' He's fine, he's fine. :'''Malcolm:''' He's just got a nosebleed. :''(Ollie and Julie leave peacefully, BUT...)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to John)'' Say, you... :'''John:''' Yeah. :'''Malcolm:''' If you breathe a word of this, right? :'''John:''' Mmm-hmm. :'''Malcolm:''' Listen to me, Richard fucking Stilgoe, you fucking jazzy bastard! :'''John:''' I am listening. :'''Malcolm:''' Help me here! Let's get fucking Noses Supposes back to his fuck... :''(But Glenn is GONE!)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Where is he? :'''John:''' I don't know. :'''Malcolm:''' Jesus Christ! Come on! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nicola:''' I think you should leave. :'''Malcolm:''' Oh, do you? :'''Nicola:''' Yes! ''(beat)'' What, are you gonna hit me? :'''Malcolm:''' I don't fucking hit women. :'''Ollie:''' Except Glenn, obviously. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Just you fucking leave Glenn out of this Glenn's been through enough as it is. ''(to Glenn, who is in the bathroom)'' Listen mate, I'm really – I'm really sorry, right, I'm really sorry about what happened in the heat of the fucking moment, yeah? I'm under a lot of pressure right now, I'm trying to plug a lot of leaks out there; I had my [[wikipedia:Hans_Brinker,_or_The_Silver_Skates#Popular_culture:_the_legend_of_the_boy_and_the_dike|finger in the dyke]], but the dyke's very very squirty. :'''Ollie:''' Is it Fat Pat? I've heard that she's, er – :'''Malcolm:''' Shut up. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' Now that you've lost [[wikipedia:Geordie|Geordie]] Julie, the merry fucking widow, you've got a hole in your speech. Right, so have we got a contingency for that? :'''Nicola:''' Yeah, we'll figure it out, thank you. :'''Malcolm:''' Well look, why don't I help you? Let's roll some tits up the flagpole, and see if anyone gets wood! :'''Nicola:''' Oh Christ, it's like being trapped in a fucking boys' toilet. Right, all we've got is Mannion's second holiday, we need to take the piss out of that. :'''Ollie:''' OK, how about, er, "He's called Peter 'Two Holidays' Mannion"? :'''Malcolm:''' Glenn. :'''Glenn:''' Erm, 'He's, erm – works really hard – at planning his holidays'? :'''Malcolm:''' That's really fucking quality fucking explosive sarcasm you're lobbing at them, mate. Boom. :'''Glenn:''' I feel I'm in a therapy group being run by my own rapist. :'''Malcolm:''' Right, okay, well, how about... :''(Suddenly, everybody's cell phones are ringing...)'' :'''Glenn:''' Oh my God...it's got out. :'''Ollie:''' No, really? I thought it was room service cold-calling. :'''Malcolm:''' Who the fuck is leaking this out there? ''(to Ollie)'' Find out who's pissing this over the wall. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, w-well, the thing about the Internet, Malcolm, is it's quite big... :'''Malcolm:''' IT'S ON ROB HOLT'S BLOG! :'''Ollie:''' I don't know what he looks like. I don't... :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' You need to get your people's champion out of this hotel before some tabloid minge-flannel starts soft-soaping her. :'''Nicola:''' So we've got her back again now. Is that right? :'''Malcolm:''' Don't be so fucking touchy about this! I've a lot to fucking deal with here! :'''Nicola:''' ''(sarcastically)'' ''MY'' responsibility again ''NOW!'' Doesn't matter about the speech. That's fine, Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, it does fucking matter! :''(Nicola then slams the bathroom door.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Women, huh? Women slam the door, where did this idea come from, huh? ''(bangs on the bathroom door)'' [[w:The Flintstones|WILMAAA]]! Fuck off! :'''Nicola:''' ''(from inside the bathroom)'' I'm making a phone call. :'''Malcolm:''' Make a phone call! [[wikipedia:Who_Wants_to_Be_a_Millionaire?_(UK_game_show)#Lifelines|Phone a fucking friend]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Nicola makes her phone call to...Terri.)'' :'''Terri:''' ''(answering in a sing-song voice)'' Hello? :'''Nicola:''' Terri, it's-it's Nicola again. We're at DEFCON 1. Or-Or 5, or whichever the really bad one is. :'''Terri:''' ''(looking out her car window)'' You stupid pillock! Oh, boy racers. :'''Nicola:''' ''(getting desperate)'' Terri, can you harness that anger and bring it down to Eastbourne, please? I desperately need you to come down and help me. :'''Terri:''' ''(replying to Nicola)'' The problem is this party political problem, because I'm a civil servant and I cannot possibly be seen to have anything to do with a party conference. :'''Nicola:''' ''(begging)'' Terri, please, I'm standing in a factory that makes fans, right? And a-a man has walked in with a giant shit-spraying machine, and you happen to be bunking off work and not very far away, so I need you here! :'''Terri:''' ''(reluctantly giving in)'' Listen, I've got a cagoule in the back and I could come incognito with the hood up, if that's gonna help you out. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nicola:''' ''(looking at her speech)'' 'Government department – The gov–' Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck! How can I learn this when you're still writing it? I feel sick! :'''Ollie:''' No, it's exciting, it's good, it's really good. In fact, I would say: the fact that you're hearing it for the first time when you say it will possibly give it a freshness and a zing, you know – :'''Nicola:''' You think? :'''Ollie:''' Yes, you know, this is politics as it is, isn't it? It's ''[[The West Wing]]''! :'''Nicola:''' You're not [[wikipedia:Josh_Lyman|Josh]], Ollie, just write the fucking speech. :'''Ollie:''' It doesn't mat– :'''Nicola:''' Come on Nicola, pull yourself together. :'''Ollie:''' ''(to himself)'' I fucking am Josh. :'''Nicola:''' Nicola Murray can do this, come on! :'''Ollie:''' Wow, did you just refer to yourself in the second ''and'' third person? 'Cause they're both – :'''Nicola:''' Write the fucking speech! :'''Ollie:''' Right, OK, yes, I'm just slightly distracted by all the Nicola Murrays in the room! <hr width="50%"/> :'''John:''' Malcolm, you're really scaring me now. :'''Malcolm:''' I'm scaring you? I'm so sorry I'm fucking scaring you. I mustn't scare you, must I? I won't scare you, OK, I'll just explain to you what I'm gonna fucking do to you: I'm gonna take your bollocks, I'm gonna fucking rip them off, I'm gonna fucking paint eyeballs on them. And I'm gonna stitch them onto a fucking sock and use that as a mouthpiece. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm''' ''(to John)'' Oh, twat features! I mean that literally. <hr width="50%"/> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(on his phone)'' No, Dan Miller is not positioning himself for the leadership. Well, for a start, you can't have a prime minister called Dan. People called Dan work in fucking fitness centres and listen to West Coast jazz. <hr width="50%"/> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''John:''' Er, no, I've gotta wait for Glenn to bring Julie what's-her-face back from the toilet so I can give her the tour. :'''Ollie:''' Where are they? :'''John:''' Glenn has taken her to Nicola's toilet. It's like being back at college, isn't it, you know, [[wikipedia:Student_orientation|Freshers' Week]], it's just as busy, isn't it, you know – :'''Nicola:''' Stop talking. :'''John:''' Right, OK. :'''Ollie:''' Oh dear, that's bad, Glenn and a woman in a toilet. 'Hello Julie. Would you like to see the Minister's room? ''(John starts laughing)'' It's very cosy, isn't it, just right for a little kissy-kissy? Maybe some tickle-me tickle-me? ''(mimes undoing his flies)'' Have you met my little friend, old blind Bob?' ''(turns round to find that Glenn and Julie Price have returned)'' Just an impression of my friend, old blind Bob. :'''John:''' Liar. :'''Ollie:''' Listen, right, I'm not being really horrible, but are you actually autistic? :'''John:''' No; but you'd be surprised how many people ask me that. <hr width="50%"/> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Malcolm:''' And I need you, big man. :'''Glenn:''' Why? :'''Malcolm:''' Because I'm gonna invite some hacks up here. I'm gonna give them some drinks, and I'm gonna show them what good mates we are, huh? :'''Glenn:''' Do we have to? :'''Malcolm:''' Yes, we do have to do it! And I want you to be telling some really fucking amusing anecdotes about our long weekend in Prague. :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' He's gonna hit me again, isn't he? I don't mind being hit, it's just the making up afterwards that scares me shitless.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Nicola:''' Terri, I really need you to come down here and help me. All I've got here, right, is a psycho man, a bleeding man and a sarky teenager. It's like some fucking logic problem: 'How do I get the chickens across the river? How do I get the ''fucking chickens'' across the river?' <hr width="50%"/> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''John:''' See, this is the problem with the modern age, the blogosphere, and it is a fear, it's everywhere, we call it the i-Zilla. No one can tame the [[wikipedia:Beast_of_Bodmin_Moor|Beast of Blogmin]]. :'''Malcolm:''' What the fuck are you talking about? Make a deal with these bloggers. Threaten them! It's your fucking job, isn't it? :'''John:''' Malcolm, that is not how the internet works; it's a world-wide, you know, web, that's where that comes from. :'''Malcolm:''' Look: I need you to find the [[wikipedia:Itsy_Bitsy_Spider|incy-wincy fucking spider]], take your rolled-up wank mag and fucking ''squash'' the fucker, right, can you do that? :'''John:''' Malcolm, I've got a lot on. ''(Malcolm glares at him)'' Not a problem. That's a Duggan promise.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Ollie''' ''(looking out of the window onto the car park)'': You've got to see this, come here. Glenn is putting on his retrosexual moves. :'''Nicola:''' No! :'''Ollie:''' Yeah. :'''Nicola''' ''(looking out of the window)'': Who is she? :'''Ollie:''' I dunno, but she's smashed, if she is a she. I think I can see her madam's apple there. :'''Nicola:''' Maybe they're just talking. :'''Nicola and Ollie''' ''(seeing them kiss)'': Oh! :'''Ollie:''' That's horrific. This is like the worst porn film ever. This is like the porn film where the woman rings for a special adviser to give her an overview of the last five years of social policy and they end up fucking. :''(both laugh)'' :'''Nicola: [[w:The Bourne Ultimatum|The Porn Ultimatum]].''' == Series 3, Episode 4 == :'''Ollie:''' What's happened to Terri? She looks like a female impersonator! :'''Glenn:''' Yeah I know, I thought you only got made over like that at a gay undertaker's.<hr width="50%" />'''Ollie:''' ''(re: Nicola's daughter, Ella)'' She's kicking off at school. Basically, ever since Malcolm made Nicola put her in the fucking comp, she's headed for what Mr. [[w:Neil Diamond|Neil Diamond]] I believe would have called 'a [[w:Sweet Caroline|Sweet]] [[w:Columbine High School massacre|Columbine]] incident'.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Emma:''' Hey, do you know what, I wonder if we'll get to sneak up on Ollie and catch him not working. :'''Phil:''' Better still, I'd like to see him getting bollocked by Malcolm. ''(impersonates Malcolm)'' 'I'm gonna rip out ya bladder and wear it as a bandana!' :'''Emma:''' OK, erm – :'''Phil:''' I need to know what Glenn Cullen looks like. :'''Emma:''' Oh, Glenn Cullen, er, fifties, kind of depressed looking; I always think of, like, a bloodhound. :'''Phil:''' OK, I'll get a picture of Mick Hucknall. :'''Peter''' ''(arriving)'': Morning, comrades! How goes the revolution? :'''Phil and Emma:''' Morning. :'''Peter:''' Our tanks on their lawn at last, fuck-a-doodle-doo! :'''Phil:''' Talking of which, may I present the DoSAC Implementation Matrix! :'''Emma:''' Don't ask. :'''Peter:''' Look, this is a very straightforward set of meetings with the senior civil servants. You know, 'Where's the stop-cock? Where can I get a decent cup of coffee? Here's our legislative agenda for the next three years'. :'''Phil:''' Yeah I know, but Stewart's very keen for us to use a visit to DoSAC as a scouting exercise? :'''Peter:''' Well I'm very keen to use Stewart's mouth as an ashtray, but it doesn't mean I'd do it. <hr width="50%" /> :'''Malcolm:''' ''(explaining the Opposition Drill)'' When the Opposition are here, you tell them nothing except where the toilets are, but you lie about that. And Terri, keep your tits in.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Emma:''' ''(receiving an alert on her phone)'' That's Stewart. I'm just gonna have to show him up. :'''Peter:''' Great, Mr. Blue Sky; we're not gonna practise fist bumps again, are we? :'''Emma:''' Phil, if you mention anything out of turn while I'm gone, I will send your mum that picture of you dressed up as Cher, OK? ''(taps her phone)'' One button... ''(leaves)'' :'''Peter:''' Cher? :'''Phil:''' Celine Dion, karaoke night. It's totally harmless. ''(checks that Emma has gone)'' OK, Ollie told Emma that there's a shitstorm brewing about the minister's daughter. :'''Peter:''' She was only the minister's daughter, but she knew how to take the collection. :'''Phil:''' She's 12. :'''Peter:''' Oh, shit, strike that last remark, it's actually a little poem that... gets much worse.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Stewart:''' Ah Peter, glad we could hook up. Just wanted to take a couple of turns with you on the ideas carousel, yeah? Think of ways we could turn your team into a little cluster of excellence. :'''Peter:''' Oh, you mean you wanted to have a chat.<hr width="50%" />'''Peter:''' I hate to be a spoilsport, but can we briefly refocus on our visit to DoSAC? :'''Stewart''': Yeah, who are you meeting? :'''Phil:''' Got a couple of meetings with two top people, you know, the big swinging dicks. :'''Stewart:''' Yeah, OK, well don't forget the tiny static dicks. :'''Phil:''' Yeah, we're not allowed to talk to her boyfriend, though. :'''Emma:''' Very funny. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ollie:''' Oi! Oi! [[w:James May|James fucking May]]! It was ''you'' sprayed the private information about the school, wasn't it?! Like [[w:Jenson Button|Jenson Button]] shaking up a magnum of piss! :'''Phil:''' Oh, just listen to yourself! Okay, at first it was private information between you and your boss, then it was private information between you and your girlfriend, ''then'' it was private information between your girlfriend and her colleagues! :'''Ollie:''' Yeah? :'''Phil:''' I mean, I can draw you a diagram if you like! it's like a fucking swine flu pandemic! :'''Ollie:''' I've clearly made an error, which I have to take up with Emma... :'''Phil:''' Exactly! :'''Ollie:''' ... but you shouldn't be fucking using it for political – :'''Phil:''' This is ''your'' fault! It's not my fault! You're like the man who fucked the monkey that gave us AIDS, that's who you are! :'''Ollie:''' ''(incredulous)'' I'm like the man who did what? Who "fucked the monkey ''(laughs)'' that gave us AIDS"? :'''Phil:''' That's right: you keep saying "it wasn't me, it wasn't me" and there's monkey shit on your balls, not mine! :'''Malcolm:''' ''(walking in)'' I love it, I love it - it's the pre-match sparring for the big Super Gayweight Title Fight, eh? ''(makes boxing motions)'' Okay, Oliver, wipe away the pre-cum. You've got some work to get on with. :'''Ollie:''' ''(quietly)'' Yeah, Malcolm, um...? :'''Malcolm:''' What? :'''Ollie:''' The Nicola thing, I think, is getting a bit worse. It looks like her daughter's about to be excluded for bullying. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, I know, Glenn told me that. :'''Ollie:''' What? When did –? :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. The thing is, all we've got to do is, if we try and keep this info very, very closely contained, we'll be all right, yeah? :'''Ollie:''' Okay. :'''Malcolm:''' Okay? :'''Ollie''': Okay. :'''Malcolm:''' On you go. ''(walks up to Phil)'' Okay, Shitehead Revisited. Did you know that Nicola Murray's daughter is about to be expelled from school for fucking ''bullying?'' :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' What are you doing? :'''Phil:''' No, what... :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Don't worry. ''(to Phil)'' Did you not know that? :'''Phil:''' No, why would I... No... :'''Malcolm:''' Of course you wouldn't know that, 'cause the only people who know that right now are Mrs. Murray, her daughter, Ollie and me, yeah? If this gets into the press, I would ''know'' that it came from you. :'''Phil:''' Clever. ''(chuckles, trying to hide his nervousness)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(also chuckles, rather deviously)'' And I would rain down on you so hard, you would have to be reassembled by fucking air crash investigators. ''(Phil tries to protest)'' ''Do not fucking'' interrupt me, son, ever! Now get this into the noggin, right? You breathe a ''word'' of this, to ''anyone'', you mincing fucking '''''CUNT''''', and I will tear your fucking skin off, I will wear it to your mother's birthday party, and I will rub your nuts up and down her leg whilst whistling [[w:Bohemian Rhapsody|Bohemian fucking Rhapsody]], right?! :'''Phil:''' ''(nods in shock)'' Yeah. :'''Malcolm:''' Now...get out of my fucking sight! :'''Phil:''' Yeah. ''(wanders off, visibly terrified)'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Peter:''' ''(Discussing Malcolm)'' His bark's worse than his bite. ''(Sees Malcolm approaching)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Peter! :'''Peter:''' And speaking of rabies injections, here he is! :'''Malcolm:''' I didn't know you were still alive. How's the 80's tribute band? Still doing the [[wikipedia:Robert_Palmer_(singer)|Robert Palmer]] lookalikey thing, huh? :'''Peter:''' Malcolm, you're looking well, for someone twice your age. Any news on the aneurysm? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Peter:''' ''(Answers his mobile phone)'' Ah, Stewart. What flavour of nut-brown piss are you going to pour in my ear? :'''Stewart:''' How's the info-pump firing? :'''Peter:''' You mean Terri Coverley? She's useless, she knows nothing. You two would get on. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Glenn:''' Nicola, just got a text from Malcolm. He says he knows Mannion was here. :'''Nicola:''' How does he know that? :'''Glenn:''' Text reads: 'I know about your fucking meeting with that ageing flamenco guitarist. You are NOT' (big letters) 'to go home.' There's been an escalation. He says he wants you at Number 10 'ASAFP'. :'''Nicola:''' 'F' meaning – :'''Glenn:''' Feasibly, I should imagine. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Nicola arrives at Malcolm's office)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Hi Nicola, thanks very much for coming over. Can I get you something? :'''Nicola:''' Actually, you haven't got any whisky, have you? :'''Malcolm:''' Whisky, yeah. Hasn't been touched for a while; still got [[wikipedia:Anthony_Eden|Anthony Eden]]'s lipstick on the bottle. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nicola:''' OK, so it's Mannion. What do we do? I mean, do we go after him with one of your, you know, things that you say, like a big bum-dildo of vengeance or something? :'''Malcolm:''' There you go, that's my girl, yeah! [[wikipedia:Indiana_Jones_(franchise)|Indiana]] Murray and the Bum-Dildo of Vengeance, I like it.<hr width="50%" />''(deleted scene)'' :''(arriving at the DoSAC building)'' :'''Phil:''' This is ''mint''. It's like the fall of Troy but with visitor's passes instead of a [[wikipedia:Trojan_Horse|wooden horse]]. :'''Peter''' ''(quoting [[Alfred, Lord Tennyson#Ulysses (1842)|Tennyson's]]'' [[Alfred, Lord Tennyson#Ulysses (1842)|Ulysses]]'')'': 'It may be that the gulfs will wash us down, / It may be we shall touch the Happy Isles / And see the great Achilles, whom we knew.' :'''Phil:''' I meant the film ''[[Troy (film)|Troy]]''? :'''Peter:''' Awesome.<hr width="50%" />''(deleted scene)'' :'''Emma:''' Do you fancy a cup of tea? :'''Stewart:''' Er, yes, you got anything herbal? :'''Emma:''' OK, yeah. ''(walking off, to herself)'' Something perfumed and essentially gay. ''(sees Phil)'' Oh, speak of the devil. Whoa, you look like you've shat yourself. :'''Phil:''' I had a close encounter with Malcolm Tucker. ''(Emma laughs)'' It's not funny, he's like some horrible character from an Ian Rankin novel. :'''Stewart:''' Where's Peter? :'''Emma:''' Yeah, where is Peter? :'''Phil:''' I don't know. It's a bit of a blur to be honest, I just kind of ran out of the building. I just kept walking, I ended up in [[wikipedia:Greenwich|Greenwich]]. :'''Emma:''' Greenwich? :'''Phil:''' I think I was following the river, I wanted to get to the sea.<hr width="50%" />''(deleted scene)'' :'''Peter:''' Do you channel all your passions into pie charts, Stewart? I don't even think you're excited about winning. I bet when you orgasm, you just put a little tick on a chart next to your bed. == Series 3, Episode 5 == :''(Terri smiles and waves at Peter.)'' :'''Peter:''' Why does the useless one keep staring at me? :'''Phil:''' Because she's a mentalist and she loves you. You ever crash your car in the mountains, she'll be the one waiting to drag you out. ''(both chuckle)'' You've seen ''[[wikipedia:Misery (film)|Misery]]''? :'''Peter:''' I'm in the fucking BBC, aren't I? <hr width="50%" /> :''(Nicola, Terri, Glenn, Phil and Peter are all waiting in the green room. Terri continues to smile and stare at Peter.)'' :'''Peter:''' ''(quietly)'': The stupid one keeps staring at me; could you block the view, or something? :'''Phil:''' OK. ''(sits on the table, between Terri and Peter)'' :'''Peter:''' OK. :'''Phil:''' ''(to Terri)'': Sorry. :'''Peter:''' Why isn't Emma here to help? :'''Phil:''' She's dumping Ollie tonight. Result! Probably crying his eyes out right now, like Kate Winslet losing on a scratch card. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Glenn:''' Well, that's a nice tan you haven't quite managed to get there, Peter. :'''Peter:''' Oh yes of course, that's very funny, because of the shitstorm you created about my second holiday. I had to cancel my second holiday. I see what you did there, you should be in stand-up. :'''Phil:''' [[wikipedia:Ben_Elton|Glenn Elton]]. 'Yes indeed, ladies and gentlemen!' :'''Peter:''' Sorry about the puffin. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm is in his office talking to someone on his cell phone)'' :'''Malcolm:''' No, I don't give a fuck whose birthday it is, I'm going to enjoy myself here listening to this Murray-Mannion ding-dong on the radio. The fat cat story's breaking, so the opposition are gonna be sweating like Vegas Elvis on a squash court. :''(Malcolm's personal assistant, Sam, comes into the office with a box)'' :'''Sam:''' Happy Birthday, Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' Stop saying that, right? Just you go home. What is this? Don't...Is this my new anal beads? :''(Malcolm looks at the box)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Okay, this has been X-rayed, yeah? I'm not gonna get fucking, a present bomb in the face? :''(Malcolm opens the box. It contains a cake which reads 'Happy Birthday C*nt')'' :'''Malcolm:''' This could be from anybody. ''(opens the accompanying card)'' Ah, it's from the Prime Minister. This is fucking Tom's idea of a joke, yeah? And he wonders why we don't let him out in public.<hr width="50%" /> :''(Nicola is discussing what she's going to say about her Fourth Sector Initiative on Richard Bacon's radio show with Terri and Glenn)'' :'''Nicola:''' Fourth sector, people power. Inspiring each other out of disadvantage. :'''Terri:''' And you need to put in the liking words as well, not just the headlines. :'''Nicola:''' I am going to talk in complete sentences. :'''Terri:''' I think you should rehearse with those headlines. :'''Nicola:''' Okay, how about "I believe in people power. Will you fuck off, Terri?" Is that okay? <hr width="50%"/> :''(Meanwhile, Peter is discussing what he's going to talk about on the show with Phil.)'' :'''Peter:''' "We call it the Common Sense Checklist, Richard. We need to cut red tape. We were talking about that at the Oval the other day, weren't we, Richard?" :'''Phil:''' ''(loving it)'' That's just the sound of wickets falling. :''(But then, Phil's cell phone rings.)'' :'''Phil:''' Stewart. :'''Peter:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Stewart? Oh, good. I wonder what Mr. Political Correctness Gone Boring wants... :'''Phil:''' ''(answering his cell phone)'' Hi, Stewart. :'''Stewart:''' Look, a little note for Peter, yeah? Tell him to dump the common sense checklist. Yeah, it's an ex-list. The new world order is this: Hit the city hard, yeah? It's "Reverse Gekko." Greed is bad, money is awful. "I Heart [[wikipedia:Tracy Chapman|Tracy Chapman]]," yeah? :''(Phil leans over to Peter to quietly tell him the bad news...)'' :'''Phil:''' ''(to Peter)'' He wants you to scrap the common sense checklist and hit the city hard over the bonuses, call them all money-grabbing wankers. :''(A BBC employee lets everyone know that Nicola and Peter are on, but Peter still has something to say to Phil.)'' :'''Peter:''' Phil. ''(Peter quietly pulls Phil aside.)'' Some of my best friends are money-grabbing wankers. And I've got to give a speech to a roomful of them tomorrow at the CBI lunch. I'm not gonna say, "Hello, chums, I've just taken a slash in the soup." So, no, the answer's no. :''(As Peter makes his way to the studio, Phil gets back on his cell phone to talk to Stewart.)'' :'''Phil:''' Stewart, um, Peter's not going to want to do that. :'''Stewart:''' No, I don't want him to want to do it, Phil. I just want him to do it. :'''Phil:''' ''(to Peter)'' Stewart says it's a JB diktat, you have to do it. :'''Peter:''' Tell him to stick a goose up his arse. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Peter Mannion and Nicola Murray are now in the studio with Richard Bacon. Phil, Terri and Glenn are in the control room.)'' :'''[[wikipedia:Richard_Bacon_(broadcaster)|Richard Bacon]]:''' Coming up shortly, we've got what could be a rather fiery showdown between two political heavyweights. After trading blows in the dailies, it's now time for them to meet face to face. So, it gives me great pleasure to introduce Nicola Murray... :'''Nicola:''' Hello. :''(Richard gives Nicola a polite 'please wait' hand gesture)'' :'''Richard:'''...Secretary of State for the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship. ''(Richard gives Nicola the 'OK.')'' :'''Nicola:''' Hello, again. I got it right that time. I managed to come in at the right time. :'''Richard:''' Hello, and from the shadow cabinet, the right honourable Peter Mannion MP. :'''Peter:''' Hi, Richard. Good to see you again. :'''Phil:''' ''(in the control room)'' THE MANNIONATOR! :'''Richard:''' ''(to Peter)'' Good to see you again as well. Uh, listen, guys, first of all... :'''Terri:''' ''(to Phil)'' How old are you? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Richard:''' Either of you got any piercings? Any tattoos? :'''Peter:''' Uh, I've got an appendix scar, does that count? :'''Richard:''' Classic! :'''Peter:''' Well, you know how it is. Out with a bunch of pals, got a bit tipsy, rolled into casualty, yeah. Hey, we all got it done. :'''Phil:''' Yeah! In your face, bitch! :'''Richard:''' That's very funny. Nicola Murray, any piercings? :'''Nicola:''' Um...Uh, no... :'''Terri:''' Yes, you do. :'''Nicola:''' No piercings at all, no. :'''Terri:''' You have got some piercings. :'''Richard:''' Okay, all right. :'''Nicola:''' Uh, sorry, no piercings at all, no. :''(All the while, Glenn is trying to remind Nicola about her pierced ears.)'' :'''Nicola:''' Um, some people say that my distinguishing feature would be probably my ears, which I'm told are quite small. :'''Richard:''' Right. :'''Nicola:''' But I do think we have to be a little bit careful about taking too light an approach to culturally sensitive issues, like body piercing or female circumcision...Uh, earrings! Earrings. I've got pierced ears. :'''Richard:''' Let's leave that there. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(listening to Nicola on the radio)'' Fuck me, this is like a clown running across a minefield! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Glenn and Terri are now out of the control room, having an impromptu talk.)'' :'''Glenn:''' I'm really worried about Nicola. She's behaving like a squirrel trapped in a pedal bin. What I'm asking you to do is have a word with, um, Blondie, that producer. And cut Nicola some slack because she needs all the sympathy she can get. :'''Terri:''' The problem is, though, Glenn, if you say to a journalist, 'Can you avoid that topic?', that's when they really go for it. I mean, it's like saying to the school bully, 'I'll wet myself if you tickle me'. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Throughout his show, Richard reads out listeners' texts about piercings.)'' :'''Richard:''' 'Dear Richard, I don't see the point of piercings. If you were a robot, you wouldn't stick bits of dangling flesh all over yourself, would you?' :'''Richard:''' 'Dear Richard, my friend's daughter got piercings all round her mouth. She looks like she works in a ball bearings factory, and there was an explosion and all the shrapnel got embedded in her face. I don't like it.' :'''Richard:''' 'Dear Richard, I love piercings. They are part of who I am, literally. Tina in Weymouth.' <hr width="50%"/> :''(Nicola is now talking about her Fourth Sector Initiative.)'' :'''Nicola:''' What we would be looking for is getting people to inspire each other out of poverty, out of disadvantage. :'''Richard:''' ''(somewhat cynically)'' How can you be ''inspired'' out of poverty? :'''Nicola:''' Well, I'm choosing to ignore your rather cynical tone... :'''Richard:''' I'm not being cynical, Nicola Murray. It's a perfectly legitimate question. How can you be inspired out of poverty? :'''Nicola:''' Okay, you are being cynical, but anyway, we'll park that. Um, one of our initiatives is to designate certain people as fourth sector pathfinders. Now they would be pillars of a normal community. :'''Richard:''' Are you talking about "have-a-go heroes," for example? :'''Nicola:''' No, we're talking about everyday heroes. :'''Richard:''' I assume you'd want to avoid Charles Bronson-style vigilantes? :'''Nicola:''' ''(chuckling)'' Oh, yes. Yes, we don't, we don't want [[wikipedia:Charles Bronson|Charles Bronson]]. More, more, Charles, uh...Dance. :'''Richard:''' Okay. :'''Peter:''' Or Chaplin, yeah? <hr width="50%"/> :''(Suddenly, Glenn's cell phone goes off in the control room.)'' :'''Janice:''' ''(the show's producer, to Glenn)'' Out! :'''Glenn:''' Alright! :'''Phil:''' Is that Nicola's doctor? Probably trying to book a circumcision. :''(Glenn goes out of the control room to answer his phone.)'' :'''Glenn:''' Malcolm? :'''Malcolm:''' Are you producing porno now for the visually impaired? :'''Glenn:''' Wh– What? :'''Malcolm:''' Because what I'm hearing here, on my radio, is Nicola Murray being roundly fucked. What is this, [[wikipedia:Bukkake|Bukkake]] [[wikipedia:Book_at_Bedtime|at Bedtime]]? Just, fu– put Ollie on. :'''Glenn:''' Ollie, erm – Well he's not here, he's at home. :'''Malcolm:''' Tell that fucking stick of celery to get his arse out of there, and get down to 5 Live right now. Tell him to inject some energy into Nicola's performance. At the moment, she's coming across like a Nazi float at the fucking [[wikipedia:Notting_Hill_Carnival|Notting Hill Carnival]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Peter:''' It seems to me what I call a "political meringue." Uh...sweet but, uh, lightweight and very little substance. :''(Meanwhile, in the control room...)'' :'''Phil:''' ''(clapping)'' He's like bloody [[wikipedia:Peter Ustinov|Ustinov]], isn't he? :'''Terri:''' Uh, it's just such an old joke. Can you just please get out? :'''Janice:''' ''(to both Phil AND Terri)'' Yeah. Okay, right. Can you just both fucking get out of the studio now? You and fucking Rupert Brooke, just out! :''(Meanwhile, Richard Bacon continues talking to Peter)'' :'''Richard:''' I know exactly what you mean. The other day, the BBC sent me on a Health & Safety away day, where they taught me how to carry a cup of coffee. :'''Peter:''' ''(laughing)'' This, this is exactly what I mean. That makes no sense. That's nonsense, and uh... and we need to say no to the nanny state, uh, "boo" to nanny, and claw back some personal responsibility in the name of common sense. :'''Richard:''' We need to...Hang on, we need to say boo to nanny? :'''Peter:''' Yeah, it's just a play on [[wikipedia:Jools Holland|Jools Holland]]'s Hootenanny. (stuttering) I-I, I didn't write it, it's not... :'''Richard:''' Right. :'''Peter:''' But, you know...Hey nanny no. :'''Richard:''' Right. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Glenn:''' Oh hello, nice dinner? :'''Emma:''' Fuck off, [[wikipedia:Bagpuss|Bagpuss]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Phil spots Emma in the green room. Terri is also in there.)'' :'''Phil:''' Hey, that was quick. Did you tell him? :'''Emma:''' Kind of. He's getting the message. :'''Phil:''' Look, I couldn't say while you were together, but I really don't know what you saw in him. :'''Emma:''' You told me all the time how much you hated him. That was one of the main reasons I went out with him so long. :'''Terri:''' ''(to Emma)'' Are you splitting up with Ollie? :'''Emma:''' Sorry, can you actually hear all right over there? I can pop into the studio and get some microphones so you can get all the details. :'''Terri:''' No, I can hear fine. Yes, no, I think that's a really good idea. I mean, for your sake. I'd back you up on that. :'''Emma:''' ''(pleased)'' What, I have your backing? Oh, fantastic. Thanks. :'''Phil:''' Hey, Emma, look, you're clearly overemotional right now. Why don't you go home, you know, drink some mojitos with your girlfriends and talk about shoes? I've got it covered here. :'''Emma:''' Yeah. Well, actually, Stewart called me in because he wanted me to SatNav Peter out of the dead end you've driven him into. So, perhaps you should piss off and read that ''[[wikipedia:Marie Claire|Marie Claire]]'' you nicked off me. <hr width="50%"/> :''(And then, Phil's cell phone rings again -- and once again, Stewart's on the other line.)'' :'''Phil:''' ''(answering his cell phone)'' Hi, Stewart. He's great, isn't he? :'''Stewart:''' "Boo to nanny?" Phil, no one watches Jools Holland, yeah? We need to be appealing to ''One Show'' man and ''Holby City'' woman. :'''Emma:''' What's he saying? :'''Phil:''' Just shut up, Emma. The men are talking? :'''Stewart:''' Is Emma there? :'''Phil:''' Yes, she is here. :'''Stewart:''' Thank God! Put her on, Phil. :''(Emma gets on the cell phone to talk to Stewart.)'' :'''Emma:''' Stewart, hi. :'''Stewart:''' This is the brief. Got a pen? :'''Emma:''' Yeah, hang on. ''(to Phil)'' Have you got a pen? :'''Phil:''' Yeah, you're not having it. :'''Terri:''' ''(to Emma)'' Do you need a pen? :'''Emma:''' Uh, I do, thanks. ''(to Stewart)'' Sorry, Stewart, hang on. :'''Stewart:''' Why don't you have one just sellotaped to your chin, Emma? Write this down! Write on his shirt! Just write it down! :''(Phil tries to take the pen from Emma, but Emma's not messing around.)'' :'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' I'm serious. :'''Stewart:''' ''(to Emma)'' Are you listening to Daddy? :'''Emma:''' Okay. :'''Stewart:''' I want you to pull some info, right? On city bonuses, tax evasion, non-doms. Let's name and shame some fat cats! I want to hear some fact-enforced noise! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Ollie arrives at the BBC Building.)'' :'''Ollie:''' Many thanks, Glenn. :'''Glenn:''' What? :'''Ollie:''' For getting me in on my special night off. Emma was furious when I said I was coming in here, she was moaning, she was screaming, and then I said I was coming in here. Do you see what I did? :'''Glenn:''' ''(smiling mockingly)'' I see. :'''Ollie:''' It was a joke about my sexual prowess. :''(But then, Ollie sees Emma.)'' :'''Ollie:''' What the fuck are you doing here? :'''Emma:''' Oh, I'm having an affair with Richard Bacon. I'm incredibly aroused by men with meat in their surname. :'''Ollie:''' You. You told me...I cooked a lovely meal... :'''Emma:''' Ordered. And it wasn't lovely. :'''Ollie:''' What the fuck's going on? :''(Emma's cell phone rings)'' :'''Emma:''' Sorry, I've got to take this. I'll talk to you later. :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' So! She DID come! She came into work! Do you see what I did there? :'''Ollie:''' Fuck off, Glenn. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Nicola is accusing Peter and his party of blocking initiatives that would allow bonuses to the so-called "fat cats.")'' :'''Nicola:'''...when you yourself where actually in cabinet. We have tried repeatedly to initiate legislation which will outlaw these bonuses. Now, your party has persistently blocked those attempts. :'''Richard:''' I think it's an interesting point. What do you say, Peter Mannion, to the accusation that these huge bonuses and the offense that they cause are the fault of your party? :'''Peter:''' I think that's a completely fatuous argument when Nicola's party has been in government for what seems like about a century, and bonuses under their watch have increased...What? Five fold? Oh, dear! Come on, Nicola. Pull your finger out. :'''Nicola:''' Okay, fine. So you personally would like to see more done to hit the fat cats? :'''Richard:''' ''(to Peter)'' Is that what you're saying? :'''Peter:''' ''(stammering)'' Well, yes-yes. I...I would. If the person receiving the bonus hasn't performed well... :'''Richard:''' Can I, can I simplify that? Let me simplify this. Would you outlaw bonuses? :'''Peter:''' ''(still stuttering)'' In the case of them being undeserved, yes... :'''Nicola:''' Which the bulk of them are, so basically you're saying the bulk of your friends in the city are disgusting. :'''Peter:''' ''(confused)'' No, no, no. Yes, yes, but only if the bonuses they receive are unfair. :'''Richard:''' I think, well, I think we've got -- It's alright. I think we've got your point. Uh, thank you. Let's move on. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Phil enters the green room)'' :'''Ollie:''' Right, if you speak to me, I will pour hot coffee on your balls. :'''Phil:''' Hey, guy, I don't want to fight. I want to clear the air, actually. We're like those two little old people in the [[wikipedia:Weather_house|weathercock]]: you come out, I'm in there, and we're swapping round. :'''Ollie:''' You're Mr. Sunshine, are you? :'''Phil:''' I'm Mr. Sunshine! :'''Ollie:''' You're a little wooden twat, in a little wooden house. :'''Phil:''' Come on, there's no need – we can be friends! I'm thinking two enemies, they come together when they realise it is no more. Aragorn and Boromir! Me: Aragorn, the true king. You: Boromir. [[wikipedia:Middle-earth_objects#Horn_of_Gondor|Your horn]] is broken, and will be blown no more. :'''Ollie:''' This inability to talk without using ''Lord of the Rings'' metaphors is one of the very ''many'' reasons that we could never be friends. :'''Phil:''' Okay. By the way, you'll be getting a bill. That's OK, though, I presume you're expecting that. :'''Ollie:''' ''(sighing)'' Okay, I'll bite. Why will I be getting a bill, Phil? :'''Phil:''' Ah, let me see, partial rent, electricity, gas, internet use, toilet paper...Kept a note every time you were round at the flat. :'''Ollie:''' You're moving out? Oh, that's a shame. I'll miss doing that secret and bad thing I did with your roll-on deodorant. :'''Phil:''' I'm not moving out. I'm just guessing that seeing how Emma's dumped you, you won't be coming round much any more. :'''Ollie:''' What? :'''Phil:''' Oh, let me just savor this moment. Thank you, God. She hasn't told you, has she? :'''Ollie:''' No, what? :'''Phil:''' She's dumped you. She did it tonight. :'''Ollie:''' No, no. She didn't do it tonight. :'''Phil:''' Let me get a little photo of this moment. Hey, new desktop picture here: Ollie being dumped! :''(Ollie doesn't appreciate being told of this bit of news by Phil.)'' :'''Ollie:''' Why would she tell you first, dickwad? :'''Phil:''' I've no idea, she told me to get out of the flat tonight so she could dump you. Anyway, in the words of [[wikipedia:Shakespears_Sister|Shakespears Sister]], ''(sings in falsetto)'' '[[wikipedia:You're_History|You're History]]'! ''(Ollie throws his coffee at Phil's groin)'' Ah, f– It's a dark suit and it's only lukewarm, I ''still'' win! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Richard is taking another call on his show)'' :'''Richard:''' James Henderson, what's your point? :'''Peter:''' Is that Jim Henderson from Clifton? :'''Richard:''' ''(surprised)'' You two know each other? :'''Peter:''' We've met. We know each other. :'''James:''' ''(talking to Peter on the phone line)'' We've met! Yes, we ''have'' met. I'm surprised to hear you turning on the city boys. Um, you never found the JFU donating huge wodges of cash to your party ''disgusting.'' :'''Peter:''' Well, that's a separate issue... :'''James:''' ''(continuing)'' Even though everyone knows they've got links with sweatshops. :'''Richard:''' Wow! :'''Peter:''' What? :'''Richard:''' Well, that's quite an extraordinary allegation, very serious. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(still in his office)'' YES! :'''Richard:''' ...links to sweatshops? :'''Peter:''' That should be looked into, but... :'''Malcolm:''' Oh, it's my birthday! :'''Peter:''' ...I don't know the facts. :'''James:''' I've just told you the facts! Are you calling me a liar? :'''Janice:''' I can't believe my ears, did we just break a story that wasn't 'the [[wikipedia:Ipswich_Town_F.C.|Ipswich]] manager just got sacked'?<hr width="50%" /> :'''Malcolm:''' ''(leaving his office)'' It's my birthday! ''(Offering someone a piece of cake)'' Cunt cake? Go ahead! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Stewart is on his cell phone, telling Emma he's coming down to the BBC Studios.)'' :'''Stewart:''' Right, Emma. Look, look, look, I'm just coming in. Okay? Yeah, look, I'll be 20 minutes, right? So see if you can get Peter to do something inoffensive for 20 minutes. Hard boil 4 eggs! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Meanwhile, in the green room...)'' :'''Emma:''' ''(in a bad mood)'' Great. :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Emma)'' You tell fucking Man at C&A that I'm dumped before I do, is that it? :'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' What's he talking about? :'''Phil:''' ''(to Emma)'' I thought he knew. :'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' Oh, you fucking twit! :'''Glenn:''' Do you mind keeping it down? Some of us are trying to listen. :'''Phil:''' I can fill you in: Peter's tearing through her like a Viking at a nunnery. :'''Glenn:''' If he's a Viking, he's [[wikipedia:Cnut_the_Great|King Cnut]]! :'''Phil:''' ''WHAT?'' :'''Glenn:''' Yes, he's drowning in the party donations. You should ''listen!'' :'''Phil:''' Bullshit! :''(Phil and Emma are listening on the radio. Ollie's trying to get Emma's attention.)'' :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Emma)'' You can't even fucking look at me! :'''Phil:''' We're trying to listen here now. :'''Ollie & Emma:''' Shut the fuck up, Phil! :''(And now, EVERYBODY'S arguing!)'' :'''Janice:''' ''(storming into the green room)'' OK, do you want to shut up? And if you lot don't keep this down, I'm gonna have you all ejected from the building. ''(points at Terri)'' You are the worst, my chair still smells of your perfume! :'''Terri:''' Excuse me! For the record, I have done nothing. :'''Glenn:''' Yes, that will be your epitaph, Terri. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Nicola and Glenn are celebrating just outside the green room)'' :'''Nicola:''' Great! Good! Yes! I'm cooking now. :'''Glenn:''' Cooking with gas! :'''Nicola:''' I'm fucking Delia Smith! I'm cracking eggs, I'm pouring in baking powder, I'm using fucking vanilla extract. It's great! :''(Peter is in the green room with Phil, trying to recover from his stumbles on 5 Live)'' :'''Peter:''' That was not good. That was the opposite of good. :'''Phil:''' Bad. :'''Peter:''' How do I counter? Have you heard of JFU? :'''Phil:''' I didn't actually hear that bit, so I don't know. :'''Peter:''' You couldn't hear? CHRIST! You're...''(Chuckling, looking at Nicola and Glenn outside)'' Sorry, it's just... :'''Peter:''' ''(to Phil)'' You're here to hear, Phil. Why do you think you're here? You're HERE to HEAR! You're not here for eye candy! :'''Phil:''' Look, it's not my fault. It was very noisy in here. Ollie and Emma were splitting up at the time, and I couldn't really focus... :'''Peter:''' ''Emma?'' ''Emma?'' Why is ''Emma'' here? :'''Phil:''' Stewart sent her down here. :'''Peter:''' ''(looking at Phil's trousers)'' ''Why have you got wet trousers?'' :'''Phil:''' Ollie threw coffee at me. :'''Peter:''' I'm sorry. I seemed to have wandered into some 1970s [[wikipedia:Ray Cooney|Ray Cooney]] farce. Is the vicar about to come around with [[wikipedia:Brian Rix|Brian Rix]] and [[wikipedia:Robin Askwith|Robin Askwith]]? :'''Janice:''' Right, back in. Headphones on ears, arses on chairs. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Meanwhile, Ollie and Emma are arguing in the hallway...and Terri's sitting just inches away from them.)'' :'''Emma:''' Ollie, we just, we don't make any time for each other any more. :'''Ollie:''' We're busy people. We work really, really hard. We work harder than Fat Pat's arteries. Of course we... :'''Terri:''' Did you used to make time for each other? I mean, I think that's the crucial question. :'''Emma:''' Sorry... :'''Ollie:''' Okay, just for a second, Aunt Terri, fuck off! :'''Terri:''' Where am I meant to go? :'''Ollie:''' Pretend you've got to go and have a shit or something. :'''Terri:''' ''(to Emma)'' You're going to be a lot better off without him. :'''Emma:''' What do you mean I'm going to be... :'''Ollie:''' You're not going to be better off... :'''Emma:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Sorry, have you...Do you talk about me at work? :'''Ollie:''' Oh, fuck this! This is like that nightmare I had about being on ''[[wikipedia:Loose Women|Loose Women]].'' :''(After Ollie walks away from the argument, however, he sees Glenn and Phil talking in the corner.)'' :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Phil)'' ...that one at all. I mean, everyone knows that Schumacher is Stig. :'''Phil:''' I think that was just publicity, just to keep it going. :'''Ollie:''' ''(to himself)'' Right. I'll go back to ''Loose Women.'' :'''Phil:''' ''(still talking to Glenn)'' Friend of mine thinks it's actually May, Hammond and Clarkson, purely 'cause Stig is an anagram of "gits." :'''Glenn:''' Oh, right. :''(Ollie is forced to go back to Emma and Terri's corner.)'' :'''Emma:''' I just don't think he should be talking about me at all, let alone things that are totally private. :'''Terri:''' No, I agree, I absolutely – ''(sees that Ollie has returned)'' Then the bank bonuses are very high, aren't they? :'''Ollie:''' I know you've been talking about me, Terri, because I've got this weird [[Derren Brown]] thing going on where I can see and hear things, Terri. :'''Emma:''' So, Ollie, what exactly have you been saying to them in the office about me? :'''Ollie:''' I've been saying, er, you smell of fennel, you're racist – :'''Emma:''' Funny. :'''Ollie:''' – you torture horses, and you're in [[wikipedia:The_Bangles|The Bangles]], that's what I've been saying about you at work. :'''Emma:''' See, I think you've been sexually bragging. :'''Ollie:''' Well, don't flatter yourself. :''(Stewart has finally entered the room.)'' :'''Stewart:''' ''(to Emma)'' Emma, I didn't send you here so you could chat about your sex life. I sent you here to back-block Peter's narrative, hmm? ''(Stewart then points to the Piercings Man)'' And what's happened to Phil? I mean, don't get me wrong, I like him, but I'm not seeing him in man-made fibers. :'''Emma:''' He's just drying his...He's drying his trousers. :''(Stewart's in quiet disbelief...)'' :'''Stewart:''' I don't want to know. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nicola:''' ''(seeing Stewart enter the control room)'' How perfect. Who should walk in... :'''Stewart:''' ''(to Janice)'' I'm Stewart Pearson, yeah? See the fat man that you're berating like he's a piñata? Well, I own him. :'''Richard:''' Peter Mannion, that's a fascinating development – :'''Peter''' ''(seeing Malcolm arrive)'': Oh! And as we speak, who should come rolling along the corridor but Malcolm Tucker, the man who was once referred to as the [[wikipedia:Gorbals|Gorbals]] [[Joseph Goebbels|Goebbels]]... :'''Stewart:''' Oh, don't do a joke. Peter, don't do a... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Richard:''' Peter Mannion, can you explain, please, why your party spin doctor has arrived entirely announced? :'''Peter:''' I would say it was an indication of how seriously our party is taking the allegations that we were... :'''Stewart:''' Don't say it again! :'''Peter:''' ...receiving donations from... :'''Richard:''' From a sweatshop labour company. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Stewart)'' Ooh! Did you prep him with this shit, yeah? :'''Stewart:''' Yeah, yeah, yeah. The last thing I said to him was go in there and bomb. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(chuckling)'' Well, it fucking worked. Usually, he comes across like, you know, just another third-rate Donald Sinden. But tonight, he's like a ventriloquist's dummy that's fucking falling to bits. :'''Stewart:''' Yeah, it's really nice to see you without those veins in your temples throbbing. :'''Malcolm:''' 'Cause you have really got your work cut out with him, haven't you? Look at the hair. You've got to do something. He's like fucking Swiss Toni. :'''Stewart:''' Yeah. Well, this is radio, Malcolm, but it's great to be getting this straight from you. Thanks. :'''Janice:''' Look, do you guys have to make so much noise? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Janice)'' I don't know if they told you this on your training day, love, but this is fucking soundproofed, that, they can't hear you. I mean, we're like Ted Moult to them. :'''Janice:''' Look, can you please get out? :'''Malcolm:''' No. Actually, we -- we are entitled to be in here. That lot, they should all be in here. All the political advisors should be in here. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm brings EVERYBODY into the Control Room!)'' :'''Malcolm:''' I just want to add to the party atmosphere. I'm perfectly entitled to this. :''(While Malcolm is doing this, Stewart is reading a text message off of Janice's computer screen)'' :'''Stewart:''' Gather round, everybody. There is a text here from Tim in Ruislip. This is what Tim's text says: "Nicola is a hypocrite. JFU also donate to the government. In fact, they donate twice as much as they do to the opposition." :'''Richard:''' ''(in the studio)'' Can I just say to the listeners at home, I have no idea what's going on now. We're in a studio, there's another room next door... :'''Malcolm:''' ''(pushing everybody out)'' We have to get out, right? Okay. Let's get, you know... :'''Stewart:''' What do you reckon, Malcolm? It seems like a big issue to me. :'''Malcolm:''' It's not. We're going to move on to piercings. :'''Stewart:''' ''(to Janice)'' Janice, I'm sure in the interest of balance, you'll want to... :'''Janice:''' Right, can you shut up, right? Malcolm's right, I decide what is news. :'''Malcolm:''' Absolutely. :'''Janice:''' And this is fucking news! :'''Malcolm:''' Bullshit! Right. See this here? ''(Malcolm goes to the "Shut Down" button.)'' You do it and I will press this fucking button. :'''Janice:''' Don't fucking threaten me! :'''Malcolm:''' This switch... :'''Janice:''' Richard, Tim in Ruislip. :'''Malcolm:''' You do that and I will... <hr width="50%"/> :''(Richard reads the text from "Tim in Ruislip," which turns the whole Murray-Mannion debate on its' head.)'' :'''Richard:''' We've just received this text message from Tim in Ruislip... :'''Stewart:''' ''(smiling)'' Ooh. She's actually put it through. :'''Richard:''' And he says, "Nicola is a hypocrite. JFU also donate to the government. In fact, they donate twice as much as they do to the opposition." :''(Malcolm is very upset with Janice for sending Tim's text message through to Richard's computer in the studio.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' That's your fucking career over, right, OK, you're fucking dead. And those three little words, 'Tim in [[wikipedia:Ruislip|Ruislip]]', are the fucking nails in your coffin, dear. ''(imitates hammering)'' Tim. In. Ruislip. Tim in fucking Ruislip. And as for Tim in fucking – :'''Janice:''' Yeah, okay, can you stop ''fucking saying that, please?'' :'''Malcolm:''' – FUCKING, fucking Ruislip, he's fucking dead as well! That fucking texting coward. Give me his number. What's his fucking number? Give me the fucking number of Tim in Ruislip. :'''Janice:''' ''(to her assistant)'' Erase it. Take it off the screen now. :'''Malcolm:''' If you don't give me his fucking number, do you know what I'm gonna have to do? I'm gonna have to fucking go to fucking Ruislip, and fucking snap the thumb and forefinger off of every single person I see, who I think resembles the kind of wanker that would be walking around in this day and fucking age with a name like fucking Tim! How do you think that sounds, huh? :'''Stewart:''' Quite, quite mad. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(whispering to Stewart)'' You and I have to have a word. :'''Stewart:''' ''(to Janice and her assistant)'' I think he wants me to step outside.<hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm is bossing everybody around, acting like he's the President of the BBC.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to the "Piercings Man")'' Right. You're on, mate. Come on. Get in there now. I want you in there rattling your fucking jewelry and talking about your fucking Prince Albert. Come on. :'''Stewart:''' ''(to Piercings Man)'' He doesn't actually work here. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to everybody else)'' Vamoose, you lot! Fucking vamoose! ''(to Piercings Man)'' Come on, Johnny fucking Depp. Get in here. :'''Piercings Man:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Get off! :'''Malcolm:''' I'll fucking shove a fucking magnet down your throat and watch your fucking face implode! Get in there! :''(The Piercings Man comes into the studio)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Here he is. Piercings. In you go. Sit down there, son, no problem, go ahead. :'''Richard:''' Now, I assume you're here for the piercings debate... <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm Tucker vs. Stewart Pearson: The Spin Doctor Showdown!)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Here's the fucking thing. Nobody talks about fucking dodgy donors, okay? Because it makes everybody look bad. :'''Stewart:''' Okay, I'll go with a different angle, then. How do you think it would land with your female voters if they were to find out that Tom Rudd forced his secretary into having an abortion? :'''Malcolm:''' That was her own personal choice, and by the way, it wasn't his. ''(whispers)'' Over here. :''(Malcolm and Stewart walk away from the studio)'' :'''Stewart:''' Wow! So him paying for a private clinic, then, was just because he's such a nice man? :'''Malcolm:''' He IS a nice man. What about your nice man at Central Planning, eh? The one who got a bit carried away and fucking slapped his kids about a little bit too much? Fucking broke the skin! But he wasn't such a nice man, was he? But I suppose that's just part of your "common sense checklist," yeah. All they need is a good slap and do please remember to leave your fucking rings on! :'''Stewart:''' You go check your facts, Malcolm. That was a domestic accident and nothing more. :'''Malcolm:''' Domestic accident, yeah, 'cause he's got fucking hands the size of fucking doors! :'''Stewart:''' Oh, you want to talk about hardmen, Malcolm, yeah? Now I know you've got to be hard to be a chief whip, but really, coke dealing at university? :'''Malcolm:''' Oh! Please, please! :'''Stewart:''' Hey, am I right in thinking he's now godfather to one of the PM's kids, yeah? :'''Malcolm:''' Listen, you know what I have got at the back of my fucking filing cabinet? I've got a fucking photograph that I've been waiting for a fucking ''rainy day'' to show everyone, which is a photograph of ''your'' fucking [[wikipedia:Shadow_Chancellor_of_the_Exchequer|Shadow Chancellor]], at one of his fucking parties, dressed up in fucking bra, suspenders, and fucking ''blackface!'' What's his defence gonna be, hey, when I email that to the fucking Sun? "Oh, well I am just de Shadow Chancellor"? :'''Stewart:''' Malcolm, he won't have a defense, because you haven't got that picture... :'''Malcolm:''' I have! :'''Stewart:''' Because that didn't happen! However, I do have a statement from a rent boy... :'''Malcolm:''' Oh, that's very useful for you. You can claim that against your expenses, can't you? :'''Stewart:''' Oh, yeah, funny, very funny. :'''Malcolm:''' And you'll get that for free. Is that one of the perks of your fucking job? :'''Stewart:''' No, listen. His statement says...he will swear that one of your prominent back-bench MPs paid him to sit on his chest! :'''Malcolm:''' DON'T! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm and Stewart actually reach a compromise.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Right, look, this is out of order, okay? :'''Stewart:''' Here's the deal. We both, both make statements saying that our guys in there, they were not in possession of all the facts. Hmm? But we're looking into it. :'''Malcolm:''' You'd do that? Hang your own guy out to fucking dry? :'''Stewart:''' What? Peter Mannion, MP? Yeah! Old guard? We're not sending him to DoSac to fatten him up. We're putting him out to pasture, Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' We should just go home. :'''Stewart:''' We can do that. We can just seal this in. Contain the toxicity. Chernobyl FM. :'''Malcolm:''' I mean, you carry on like this and I might not find you utterly fucking contemptible. :'''Stewart:''' That's an incentive. I'll get my bag. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm listens to the radio as he leaves in Nicola's car.)'' :'''Richard:''' Andrew in Suffolk writes, 'The body is a temple. Temples aren't made of metal. Case closed.' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola's driver)'' You couldn't turn that to [[wikipedia:Magic_(Radio)|Magic FM]], could you mate? Otherwise I'm gonna have to tear my eyelids off and scrunch them up into fucking earplugs. <hr width="50%"/> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Phil:''' You just start off about how great the City used to be, then how it's not so great now, and then end with a joke. It's the classic shit sandwich, you know: bread, shit, bread! :'''Peter:''' Phil, if anyone bites into a shit sandwich, they don't say, 'Mmm, bread!', they say, 'Oh fuck, I've got a mouthful of shit! ''(Janice the producer shoves him into the studio)'' You mental bastard! Why have you filled my sandwich with shi–' == Series 3, Episode 6 == :''(This is the opening scene of this episode.)'' :'''Glenn:''' Morning, Ollie. How's your head? Like a bat shat in it at all? :'''Ollie:''' No, I am, if anything, Glenn, I am hung-''under.'' First DoSAC party under the new regime, you lasted 'til, I'd say, seven? :'''Glenn:''' Yeah, well, I do have a life, Ollie. :'''Ollie:''' Yes, but only in the way that, you know, jellyfish or athlete's foot have a life. What was it last night, then? Candlelit annivorcery dinner for one? :''(Terri enters the scene carrying a large plant.)'' :'''Terri:''' Morning. :'''Ollie:''' Hello. (Ollie's curious...) Terri, what actually are you up to? Are you still drunk? :'''Terri:''' No, I had to get in early anyway, because this BBC man's coming. :''(Ollie notices that Terri's wearing trainers!) :'''Ollie:''' Are you wearing trainers? You ''ARE'' wearing trainers! :'''Terri:''' Yes. :'''Glenn:''' Yes. :'''Ollie:''' ''(laughing)'' If Signal toothpaste made trainers, that's what they'd look like. :'''Terri:''' Well, I don't see there's any... :'''Ollie:''' ''(pointing at Terri's trainers)'' This color for healthy breath... :''(Nicola enters the scene, and she's...a little hungover.)'' :'''Nicola:''' Morning, morning. :'''Terri:''' Do please let me... :''(Terri helps Nicola by taking her suitcase.)'' :'''Nicola:''' Thank you very much. :'''Terri:''' Would you like me to take your coffee? :'''Nicola:''' Oh, no. I'm clinging on to that for dear life, I tell you. :'''Terri:''' Well, it will dehydrate you. :'''Nicola:''' Good-o. :'''Ollie:''' Mojito Murray, they now call her. You know, they had to install speed bumps at the bar. She's like Gazza at Euro '96. :''(Ollie mimics somebody getting drunk.)'' :'''Nicola:''' I really love the division of labour in this place. I like the way the women do the heavy lifting and the men do the heavy sarcasm. <hr width="50%"/> :''(While Nicola is conducting an interview with a BBC reporter regarding Nicola's launch of her Fourth Sector Initiative, Glenn and Ollie are discussing the Prime Minister's world tour.)'' :'''Ollie:''' So why is the PM doing this world tour thing? What's the point of that? I mean, he's not easy on the world stage, is he? He walks like his dick's made of glass, you know? Is it a Malc plan? :'''Glenn:''' Could be? Or, you know, Steve Fleming's back, it could be him. :'''Ollie:''' Well, if he's back, it really is the end, isn't it? What are you gonna do when the shit goes down, then? :'''Glenn:''' Oh, plenty of options, Ollie. :'''Ollie:''' You could be a Beefeater. Do you want to be a Beefeater? :'''Glenn:''' Don't you worry about me, Ollie. I've got contacts. :'''Ollie:''' What do you mean, "Don't worry about me"? Are you big in Japan or something? :''(Glenn gives Ollie a wide, sly smile.)'' :'''Ollie:''' What? What's that smile for? Do you need winding? :''(And then, Glenn shares a BIG surprise with Ollie.)'' :'''Glenn:''' I'm going to stand in the election. :'''Ollie:''' (surprised indeed) Are you...Are you serious? :'''Glenn:''' I should hear later today whether or not I've got enough support for the Ilford East long list. :'''Ollie:''' Fucking hell. You on a massive poster. What's your slogan going to be? "He's old and sullen, vote for Cullen." How about that? :'''Glenn:''' Actually...I'm pretty excited about this. :'''Ollie:''' Sort of hard to take on board. It's like being told your dad's gay or something. (Glenn laughs while Ollie continues) I am strangely really proud of you. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Nicola's interview didn't go as well as she wanted it to, and now...Ollie's got some more bad news for her.)'' :'''Ollie:''' Right, so Ben Swain, the man you love to hate and love to sack, actually, is on his way up. :'''Nicola:''' Oh great, I'm flypaper for dickheads today. Right, I'm gonna get out of this funeral suit and chisel off the first three inches of makeup. ''(leaves)'' :'''Glenn:''' ''(seeing Ben arrive)'' Ah, the prodigal Swain returns. :'''Ollie:''' [[wikipedia:Ben_10|Ben 10]], [[wikipedia:Menstrual_cycle|Benstrual cycle]], [[wikipedia:Born_on_the_Fourth_of_July|Ben on the Fourth of July]]! :'''Ben:''' [[wikipedia:Polly_Put_the_Kettle_On|Ollie Put the Kettle On]], [[wikipedia:On_the_Good_Ship_Lollipop|On the Good Ship Ollie-pop]], [[wikipedia:Auld_Lang_Syne|Oll-d Lang Syne]]. :'''Ollie:''' How are things going at the Department of [[wikipedia:Tony_Blair#Leader_of_the_Opposition|Education Education Education]]? :'''Ben:''' They're going up the fuck-pump, Ollie, mainly because you are the Robin Hood of politics. :'''Ollie:''' Well, Robin Hood was a hero. :'''Ben:''' No, he was not a hero, he was a terrorist. You're just stealing from the Education Department and pumping it out as a DoSAC idea. This Back On Track Policy that you launched at your little chimps' tea party last night? Well, that sounds very similar -- ''Very, very sim'' -- Almost identical in fact -- to my Unify Policy that I ''was'' working on here until I was booted out by Knicker-Face. Right, where is Jenni Murray? :'''Ollie:''' No. Well, she's -- I really wouldn't go in... :''(Ben barges in on Nicola in her office -- while she's changing her clothes!)'' :'''Nicola:''' OH! :'''Ben:''' JESUS! :'''Ollie:''' Yes. She's just been doing an interview there, Ben. :'''Ben:''' What? An interview for what? [[wikipedia:FHM|FHM]]? What's she done to her face? She looks like a pissed Aunt Sally. :''(Nicola comes out of her office, and Ben tries to apologize for his rudeness.)'' :'''Nicola:''' ''(to Ben)'' Yeah, I really... :'''Ben:''' I'm very sorry again... :'''Nicola:''' Let's not talk about it ever again. :'''Ben:''' I will forget... :'''Nicola:''' Right. What do you want? :'''Ben:''' ...everything I've seen. Now, Back On Track, it is exactly the same as my Unify Initiative. I know you don't like me, you made that as clear as fish piss by kicking me out of here 10 nanoseconds after you arrived. :''(Ollie's cell phone has started ringing.)'' :'''Ollie:''' Malcolm's calling. I thought he was supposed to be sluicing sand out of Tom's thong in Ibiza or wherever they've got to. :'''Nicola:''' He is, he's away. He's in Spain. Just ignore, ignore Malcolm. :'''Ollie:''' Ignore Malcolm? :'''Nicola:''' Yeah, what can he do? :''(Malcolm is entering the scene on his cell phone. As he enters, he's leaving an odd message on Ollie's cell phone.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Ollie, mate. Ollie, you're not answering your phone and I'm getting really, really worried that you hurt yourself. I just keep getting these terrible images flashing in my head, you know. Of you being stabbed repeatedly in the face. Or of you in a coma on a life-support machine, dreaming about being a gay policeman in the 1970s. :''(But then, Malcolm looks up to see Ollie. Alive and well.)'' :'''Ollie:''' Malcolm, I can explain. :'''Malcolm:''' Ollie. Thank God that you're safe. :''(But just as it looks like Malcolm's getting ready to hug Ollie, Malcolm rudely holds up a mock "Peace" sign and points to Ollie's phone.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' That's from me, [[wikipedia:Zac Efron|Cack Efron]]. ''(Malcolm then notices Ben)'' What's Giant Gaystacks doing here? :'''Ben:''' Um, I'm here, Malcolm, because Nicola has been nicking my policies through Ollie. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Is this true, the Little Man in the Red and Yellow Car? :'''Ollie:''' No. :'''Nicola:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' I've been told by Steve Fleming to think the unthinkable. :'''Malcolm:''' Well, listen, ''I'' am telling you to ''un''-think the unthinkable – Shit, you can't even cope with thinking the thinkable. :'''Nicola:''' Why are you even here? :'''Terri:''' (jogging her way towards Malcolm) Hello, Malcolm. Oh, you look a bit tired. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Terri)'' Yeah. You look incompetent. :'''Terri:''' Yeah, tired and a wee bit grumpy. :'''Malcolm:''' Well, actually, [[wikipedia:Lucille Ball|Lucille Ballbag]], I am here to prep Nicola here for her BBC interview. :'''Nicola:''' A bit late for that. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm has to restart the conversation with Nicola and Terri in Nicola's office.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Terri)'' Terri, I fucking e-mailed you and I told you to move it to later, because I wanted to administer a preparatory fucking verbal cosh. Right? :'''Terri:''' Well... :'''Malcolm:''' And there it is. (Malcolm is looking at the e-mail on his cell phone.) It didn't fuck -- It didn't fucking send! :'''Terri:''' Ah! :'''Malcolm:''' It didn't send, right? :'''Terri:''' There you go. You just owe me an apology, that's all. :'''Malcolm:''' (insulted) I'm sorry? :'''Nicola:''' That's the one. :'''Malcolm:''' That wasn't an apology. That was a "pardon?" I'm sorry. :'''Nicola:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Why aren't you on the Tom tour, by the way? :'''Terri:''' Yeah, I heard Steve Fleming was on the tour. Hmm. Big beast. :'''Malcolm:''' Tiny fucking rodent, more like. He's part of the larger problem. :'''Nicola:''' Which is? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Have you been at Number 10 lately? Jesus, it's like the break-up of the Beatles, right? During the fall of the Roman Empire, while fucking [[wikipedia:Katie_Price|Jordan]]'s getting divorced from [[wikipedia:Peter_Andre|that bloke]]. All happening at the same time in a tiny fucking terraced house, yeah? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' Right, people, listen up! It's a fucking lockdown, right now! :'''Nicola:''' Oh, come off it! We're not in a prison drama, are we? :'''Malcolm:''' We are in a prison drama and this is the fucking [[The Shawshank Redemption|''Shawshank Redemption'']], right? But with more tunnelling through shit and no fucking redemption.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Malcolm:''' Is that trainers that she's wearing? ''(to Terri)'' Are you wearing fucking train– You're supposed to be a civil servant, not a fucking playgroup assistant. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ben:''' It's like wet play, isn't it? :'''Ollie:''' Hah! :'''Glenn''' ''(playing chess over the phone, with a miniature chessboard)'': Queen to knight 4. :'''Ben:''' I never had you down as a chess man, Glenn, I thought you might be more the kind to play Ludo or something. :'''Glenn:''' Do you mind? :'''Ben:''' Oh what, can you not multitask, [[wikipedia:Deep_Blue_(chess_computer)|Deep Beige]]? ''(He and Ollie laugh)'' :'''Glenn:''' What, check? Oh, fuck you! :'''Ben:''' Well, you know, politics is like a game of chess, Glenn, insofar as you're shit at both of them.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Malcolm''' ''(answering his mobile)'': Nicola Murray is not going to make a leadership announcement this evening. Permission to speak frankly and off the record, yeah? She's an idiot. I ''know'' that she's in the Cabinet, but look, that's like being disabled at a football match, yeah? I mean, she's very close to the action, but hardly likely to score a goal. That – No! That – How is that offensive? That is a very fair and accurate portrayal of just how fucking retarded she is.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Nicola:''' Are you emailing? Are you stirring this up? Is that why you came into DoSAC today: did you have a big bucket of shit and a whisk? :'''Ben:''' No. ''(beat)'' Yes, a bit. :'''Nicola:''' What are you saying? :'''Ben:''' Just, you know, 'Joan Rivers wants to be the new Prime Minister. Have a look at this clip of her online, staking her bid.' :'''Nicola:''' You treacherous shit. :'''Ben:''' Come on, it's not my fault you've dressed up like a dead geisha. :'''Nicola:''' Why are you doing this? :'''Ben:''' Because I'm bored, it's funny and – and I hate you. There you are, the holy trinity of why. :'''Nicola:''' Do you know, talking to you is like talking to a fucking whoopee cushion! :'''Terri:''' Right. Bit of good news. :'''Glenn:''' What? :'''Terri:''' ''Two'' bits, actually. Um... :'''Malcolm:''' Enough. Can we all just shut the fuck up, okay? So we can gather our thoughts. So, one at a time. [[wikipedia:Private_Godfrey|Private Godfrey]], get to your station. ''(Glenn runs to his desk)'' I want to hear what the word is on the street. :'''Glenn:''' All right, ''(reporting from his computer)'' 'Ben has been seen coming into DoSAC but not going out. Possibly Ben is her running mate as number two in a leadership bid.' :'''Ben:''' Hah! Right, I don't mind going out there now and telling them all face to face just how much I hate Nicola and how unlikely that is to happen, and get myself a sandwich, I'm fucking starving – :'''Malcolm:''' What did I just fucking say, what did I just fucking say? I said one at a fucking time. Stand up. ''(Ben does not stand)'' I'm telling you to fucking stand up, you sack of fucking cum! Stand the fuck up! ''(Ben stands)'' Fucking move, right. ''(Malcolm grabs a keyboard)'' See that? Fucking play with that, right? Never mind your fucking toys, play with that. ''(Malcolm hands Ben the keyboard and pushes him)'' Go and stand in that fucking corner. ''Stand over there, right? And do not move, or I will perform a fucking living fucking autopsy on you! With a fucking rusty spade, and I'll have your kidneys for fucking CUFFLINKS!''<hr width="50%" /> :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Ben)'' See, you? Get me a fucking [[wikipedia:Curly_Wurly|Curly Wurly]], right? :''(Shortly afterwards, Ben gives Malcolm a Curly Wurly.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' It's a classic Curly Wurly I wanted. A Curly Wurly should be the size of a small ladder. :'''Ben:''' Your hands have got bigger. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nicola:''' That was utterly humiliating. For fuck's sake, Malcolm! :'''Malcolm:''' Shouldn't that be 'of fuck's sake'? :'''Nicola:''' I don't know what you're talking about. :'''Malcolm:''' May I just quote it to you? 'The Prime Minister is the right man ''for'' the moment.' :'''Nicola:''' Yeah. That's what you told me to say. :'''Malcolm''': ''Of'' the moment, ''of'' the moment, I told you to say '<nowiki/>'''''<nowiki/>'''of'' the fucking moment': there's a huge difference between me saying to you, 'Nicola, I would like to go'' for'' a lovely walk with you', and 'Nicola, I would like to make a hat out'' of'' your fucking entrails!' ''(And then, Malcolm's cell phone rings. Again.)'' Excuse me. :''(Who's on Malcolm's cell phone NOW?)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Steven. ''(beat)'' Yes, well you can tell Tom right now that I'm fucking sweating embryos for him, okay? <hr width="50%" /> :'''Ben:''' Look at this! Takeaway and a fight. All I need now is a handjob in a bus shelter, I've had the great British night out. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nicola:''' Jesus, you're about as on the ball today as a dead seal! :'''Malcolm:''' Hey, that's one of my fucking lines! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' Terri, I thought we had a deal, right? When I need your advice I'll give you the special signal, which is me [[wikipedia:Involuntary_commitment_internationally#United_Kingdom|being sectioned under the fucking Mental Health Act]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' How fucking dare you. Have you any idea of the amount of pressure that has been exerted on my skull, huh? It feels like my brain has been fucking emptied into little packets, into fucking crisp packets. Cheese and onion fucking crisp packets, that contain my living, breathing, fucking brain! :'''Terri:''' Malcolm, I'm really sorry, I – :'''Malcolm:''' ''And these crisp packets'' – cheese and onion, smoky bacon – they've been stomped on. They've been fucking stomped on! By Ben, fucking Nicola – :'''Terri:''' I didn't mean to be horrid – :'''Malcolm:''' AND FUCKING YOU! :''(long silence)'' :'''Malcolm:''' I'm sorry. :'''Terri:''' ''I'm'' sorry. :'''Malcolm:''' ''I'm'' sorry. :'''Terri:''' I'm sorry. :'''Malcolm:''' No, I'm over it, okay? Don't you apologise, don't you fucking apologise, you don't need to apologise. I love this place. I do! I mean, fucking compared to Number 10, this place, this place is fucking tranquil, yeah? Over there, 300 yards down the road, I mean it's like a fucking cancer ward: I mean, there are people in there, they're fucking screaming at each other. They're screaming, 'You gave me this fucking disease. You gave me this fucking disease!' And every corner that I turn, there's another threat, Terri: hacks! Hacks, fucking vampire hacks! And they're slaughtering us, Terri, THEY ARE FUCKING SLAUGHTERING US, AND THEY WANT MY FACE FOR A FLANNEL! :'''Terri:''' Yeah. :'''Malcolm:''' And you know what? I used to be the fucking pharaoh, Terri, I used to be the fucking pharaoh! Now I'm fucking floundering in a fucking Nile of shit! But I am gonna fashion a paddle out of that shit. Yeah? :'''Terri:''' Mmm. Good idea. :'''Malcolm:''' I'm not going down. I am not going down. Yeah? :'''Terri:''' ''(whispers)'' Yeah. :'''Malcolm:''' How are you feeling about things? :'''Terri:''' Well, you know, I'm just trying to do my best and, you know, make sure I can still get home by six o'clock. Do you want a huggle? :'''Malcolm:''' No, I think – That's nice of you, I really appreciate it. Terri, it's been nice to have a chat, but I've gotta get on. :'''Terri:''' Okay. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. Let's get back on track. :'''Terri:''' Get back on track. :''(both leave the room)'' :'''Malcolm:''' As they say, right? :'''Terri:''' Funny to use that phrase. :'''Malcolm:''' All righty-o, okay, Nicola, let's see you in your office, please. :'''Ollie:''' What did he say? :'''Terri:''' Dunno, it was all about ancient Egypt. :'''Ollie:''' Ancient Egypt? :'''Terri:''' Yeah. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Nicola's Fourth Sector Initiative launch speech has bombed...and that's not the only thing that's bombed)'' :'''Glenn:''' Uh, sorry I missed it. Did it go well? :'''Nicola:''' Nope. :'''Glenn:''' Well, uh, more good news. Um...I'm afraid my chances of becoming an MP have been torpedoed...by the U-boat that was you. The selection committee decided that my association with you was too divisive. :'''Ollie:''' The dream is over, eh? :'''Malcolm:''' I'm devastated. I had 500 quid on you being the new Foreign Secretary. :'''Ollie:''' Uh, it's a great loss to regional politics, for sure. :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Nicola)'' By flying so close to your bright Sun like Icarus, I have crashed to the Earth and died. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' Ladies and Gentlemen, the dirty protest is now over; please mop up your shit and fuck off home. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' Make sure fucking Nicola doesn't top herself, eh? :'''Terri:''' Yeah, sure. :'''Malcolm:''' Make sure that Ben does.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Ollie:''' What are you gonna do when the shit goes down, then? :'''Glenn:''' Oh, plenty of options, Ollie. :'''Ollie:''' Really, have you really, you've got plenty of options, have you? ''(Glenn nods.)'' What are those options, let's see, you can't – you can't hold a golf sale sign because of your back, you can't be a prostitute 'cause your waterworks aren't up to it, you can't be a drugs mule, 'cause of your arse, that's too slack, isn't it, so what does that leave you with, you could be – Local weatherman would be perfect; or, er, you could run a whelk stall, how about that? You could be a dinner lady or a [[wikipedia:Speed_bump#Speed_bumps|sleeping policeman]], actually on the road: just lie down, let the cars – You could become one of those people who manipulates their cock and balls into funny shapes for the paying public, it would be nice for them to have a little run out. Or, you could just basically walk into a hospice, and wait to kark it.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Malcolm:''' That's from me, Cack Efron. It's a coded message basically telling you that, if you ignore me or my fucking calls again, I'll fucking rip your head off, right? I'll fucking plant a palm tree in your neck, and I'll fuck you fucking tenderly in its shade! :'''Ollie:''' I can tell you've been away, your threats are including palm trees now.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Jesus Christ, [[Crosby, Stills & Nash|Crosby, Still, Nash and fucking Young]] – Look at the lot of you, it's like walking into an installation at the [[wikipedia:Tate_Britain|Tate Gallery]] that everybody's forgotten about. ==Series 3, Episode 7== :''(At the start of this episode, Nicola and her team are getting ready to launch DoSAC's Healthy Choices Campaign. The scene starts with a delivery man delivering big bottles of water.)'' :'''Glenn:''' ''(to the delivery man, chuckling)'' Oh, that's great. Don't know why we've ordered so much water. We've all got rabies. :'''Nicola:''' ''(on her cell phone)'' So, basically, just get crisps shaped like rockets, rainbow-colored ice cream, you know the stuff that all the other kids have at their parties. :''(MORE big bottles of water!)'' :'''Glenn:''' (surprised) Blimey! More? What are we doing? Opening a dolphinarium? :'''Nicola:''' (off her phone) Good. Sorted. So...Sorry about that. Where were we? :'''Glenn:''' Uh, healthy eating. :'''Terri:''' Beneficial Lifestyle Choices. :'''Ollie:''' Get in! :'''Glenn:''' What? :'''Ollie:''' (happily) I've just landed Andy Murray. :'''Nicola:''' YAY! That's brilliant! Andy Murray? :'''Ollie:''' I've definitely got Andy Murray! :'''Nicola:''' Andy Murray, the face of Healthy Choices. :'''Glenn:''' Oh, all right. :'''Terri:''' The tennis player? :'''Ollie:''' (sarcastically) No, the fucking pianist. :'''Nicola:''' Nicola Murray ''NETS'' Andy Murray! :'''Ollie:''' Well, we both netted him together. :'''Terri:''' Are you sure you want him? :'''Nicola:''' Uh, yeah! :'''Terri:''' Murray? ''(beat)'' Doesn't it sound like nepotism? :'''Nicola:''' (Not appreciating Terri's criticism) Like, in the way people think Russ and Diane Abbott are related? :'''Ollie:''' Yeah. :'''Terri:''' Possibly. :'''Glenn:''' And Bill Murray's her father? :'''Terri:''' Okay, I'll level with you. I don't like him. :'''Nicola:''' (annoyed) Who would you suggest then, Terri? :'''Terri:''' Paula Radcliffe. :'''Ollie:''' ''Pooey Paula?'' That's not healthy. Shitting in your own pants, that's definitely not a healthy image. :'''Glenn:''' She could demonstrate how to do the Hop, Shit and Jump. :'''Terri:''' That is very unfair. It only happened once. :'''Ollie:''' Once is all you need! Imagine if Bruce Forsyth, beginning of ''Strictly Come Dancing...'' (Ollie pretends to poop) "There we go!" You'd never hear the end of that. And quite rightly! :'''Nicola:''' Terri, can we move on from your hatred of Andy Murray, and can we start trailing a major DoSAC initiative? Now, don't give any details at this stage. Just say it's major TBA. :'''Terri:''' TBA? :'''Nicola:''' To be announced. :'''Terri:''' Oh, just... :'''Nicola:''' It's really self-defeating if I have to explain abbreviations to you. :'''Terri:''' Sure, sure... :'''Nicola:''' FFS. :'''Terri:''' ''(to Glenn and Ollie)'' What's FFS? :'''Glenn:''' Oh, for fuck... :'''Nicola:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Oh, we're gonna need Malcolm clearance, Ollie. Okay? ''(to Glenn)'' Glenn, can you get rid of all this water as well? It looks like something out of fucking [[wikipedia:Doctor Who|Doctor Who]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Meanwhile, Malcolm is at home serving Indian food to some journalists.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Here they come, it's the [[wikipedia:Flying_Scotsman|Flying Scots-curry-man]]. ''(sings)'' 'Where's your pappadam?' You have got to try this aubergine, it's cooked in [[wikipedia:Ghee|ghee]], right? I fucking love ghee, it's like fucking [[wikipedia:Free_base|freebasing]] butter. Have some more wine, come on, get quaffing. ''(mobile rings)'' Christ, here we go. ''(answers)'' No, we don't do takeaway, right? ''(all laugh, as Malcolm walks away)'' Listen, see, if this is recorded spam, I'm gonna hunt you down and burst your fucking lungs. :'''Ollie''' ''(at his desk)'': Where actually are you, Malcolm? :'''Malcolm:''' I'm on holidays! :'''Ollie:''' ''Where'' are you on holiday, where? :'''Malcolm:''' Right, OK, I'm in Thailand, in a sex spa. About to get a fucking facial. :'''Ollie:''' Right, quick summary: [[Andy Murray]], famous tennis player, also lovely Scotch person, face of Healthy Lifestyle Choices. Nicola Murray, slightly panicky, er, minister-lady: wonder if that's OK with you? :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah yeah yeah, Andy Murray, yeah, Andy Pandy, fucking Gandhi having a hand-shandy, whatever, just, you know, fuck off out of my life, OK? :'''Ollie:''' Okey dokey! ''(hangs up. To Nicola and Glenn)'' [[wikipedia:Del_Monte_Foods#Pop_culture_references|The man from Hell Monte, he say 'Fucking aye'!]]<hr width="50%" /> :'''Malcolm:''' (apologizing to his guests) Sorry about that. Everybody's heard about the cooking, so it's... :'''Geoffrey:''' So, Malcolm, what's all this about? :'''Malcolm:''' Well, I know that these are hard times for print journalists, yeah? I mean, I read that on the internet. I mean, one day you're writing for the papers and the next you're sleeping under them. :'''Marianne:''' What, so this is like Malcolm Tucker's Soup Kitchen? :'''Malcolm:''' Well, it is, kind of, in a way. I just think that you should have one big square meal before you end up fucking living off white lightning in your own feces. Come on, get stuck in. I'll dish it up for you. :'''Marianne:''' What about Tom bringing back Steve Fleming? Kind of makes you old news, doesn't it? :'''Geoffrey:''' You repositioning yourself, Malcolm? :'''Malcolm:''' This is about a guy sharing his ghee. That's it. Okay? :'''Geoffrey:''' So you're not currying favor, then? :''(Marianna starts laughing at Geoffrey's joke.)'' :'''Marianne:''' (laughing) Sorry... :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Geoffrey, jokingly)'' Fuck you. Get out of my house. Get out of my fucking house. That's it. I know...I mean, no wonder nobody's fucking buying your paper. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Meanwhile, Nicola, Glenn, Terri and Ollie are still getting over Malcolm being on holiday.)'' :'''Nicola:''' He's really on holiday? :'''Terri:''' Malcolm hasn't been on holiday for 10 years. :'''Glenn:''' Malcolm's got to keep moving or he's dead. He's like a shark of [[wikipedia:Bob Dylan|Bob Dylan]]. :'''Terri:''' Well, who's driving the bus? :''(Steve Fleming enters the office and starts greeting the staff.)'' :'''Steve Fleming:''' Morning! Morning, DoSAC. :'''Glenn:''' Oh. :'''Nicola:''' Bollocky bollocks. It's the [[A Christmas Carol|Ghost of Christmas Shit]]. :'''Glenn:''' There's your answer, Terri: that's the man driving the bus, that's [[wikipedia:Reg_Varney|Reg bloody Varney]]. All stops to electoral oblivion, ding ding. :'''Nicola:''' Get in my office, come on. It'll buy us a bit of time. :''(They all do so, as Steve continues to move towards them.)'' :'''Glenn:''' Come on, have a look. :'''Ollie:''' I've never seen Steve Fleming in the flesh. :'''Nicola:''' You're lucky. :'''Ollie:''' For a man who brought us back into power, he's not very imposing, is he? He's like a Lego policeman. :'''Nicola:''' Look at him. Super Mario. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Steve joyfully enters Nicola's office with cups of coffee for her and her team.)'' :'''Steve:''' Morning, campers! :'''Nicola:''' Steve Fleming! :''(Nicola and Steve shake hands, BUT...)'' :'''Steve:''' Oh, no. :'''Nicola:''' Hello. Oh! Okay... :''(At Steve's insistence, he gives Nicola a HUG! Fun for Steve...but not so much for Nicola.)'' :'''Steve:''' (happily) Hello, Nicola. :'''Nicola:''' Hi. :'''Steve:''' You look like you've lost some weight. :'''Nicola:''' (surprised) Do I? :'''Steve:''' Yeah! :'''Nicola:''' I don't think so, but... :'''Steve:''' (very pleased) Oh, I think so, yes. No, your face looks quite gaunt. Muscly. :'''Nicola:''' Does it now? :'''Steve:''' Anyway, I come bearing caffeinated gifts. :''(Steve presents the cups of coffee, and the team is appreciative of his gesture. Then, Steve gets down to business.)'' :'''Steve:''' I'm gonna cut to the chase. I need you to publish...all the crime stats since 2004 as an accompaniment to our Transparent Government launch. From 2004 up to the last quarter. :'''Nicola:''' Okay, we are just about to launch, um, Healthy Choices. ''With'' Andy Murray. :'''Steve:''' Andy Murray! Whoa! (Steve mimes a tennis volley.) Ace! :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Steve)'' Good joke. :'''Steve:''' ''(to Nicola)'' We'll make a Minister of you yet. :'''Nicola:''' I mean, after that, we can try and get you something for, say, end of the week? :'''Steve:''' After? Why after? Why not right alongside? Or, here's a thought...Before. :'''Nicola:''' Because we're under-resourced and it's not a priority. :'''Steve:''' The PM thinks it is a priority. It can be done. ''(beat)'' Oh, I seem to have reached the end of my argument. :'''Nicola:''' Okay. Well, look, um, why don't we say Thursday lunchtime. Okay? :'''Glenn:''' Well, you've got Fran's leaving lunch on Thursday. :'''Nicola:''' I have got a lunch. Thursday afternoon. :'''Steve:''' (still smiling) Yes, I don't give a fuck about Fran's leaving lunch. I'm saying ''Now now now now now now now now. Now!'' :'''Nicola:''' Okay. Chillax. We're on the case, Steve. :'''Steve:''' Lovely. Thank you very much. :'''Nicola:''' Good. Okay. Well, it's a delight to see you again. :'''Steve:''' Oh! :'''Nicola:''' Oh, I get another one. :''(Another awkward hug between Steve and Nicola.)'' :'''Nicola:''' (jokingly) Mind my gaunt face. :'''Steve:''' ''(to the whole team)'' Bye-bye. :'''Nicola's team:''' Bye. <hr width="50%"/> :''(After their first meeting with Steve Fleming...)'' :'''Ollie:''' What do you call that? Obsessive Repulsive Disorder, I would say. :'''Nicola:''' I'm gonna ring Malcolm. Holiday or no holiday, I'm gonna ring Malcolm about this. :'''Ollie:''' ''(impersonating Steve)'' 'Caffeinated gifts!' :'''Terri:''' Malcolm never brought us coffee. I like him. :'''Ollie:''' Yes, well you like bath salts, you're basically an idiot. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Meanwhile, at Malcolm's house with the journalists...)'' :'''Malcolm:''' So everybody's for coffee, yeah? :'''Geoffrey:''' Mmm-hmm. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, I'm sorry I can't do espressos. But I've made this so thick and black, it'll be like fucking drinking plimsolls. :'''Marianne:''' This Steve Fleming thing is gonna end in tears, isn't it? I mean, you sacked him last time. :'''Malcolm:''' All right. Right. Okay. Off the record. Right? Okay? While Steven is a useful tool, and I do emphasize the word "useful" here, I'm still running the show. Right? :'''Geoffrey:''' If you're still running the show, why do you need to tell us? :''(Malcolm calmly -- but still menacingly -- walks up to Geoffrey, with the pot of coffee still in his hand.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' (calmly) Geoffrey, all I'm saying is this: It would be very much fucking appreciated if you could emphasize the fact that I'm at the heart of the government. Because it's fucking true. I am the heart. I am the ventricles. And the fucking aorta. :'''Marianne:''' (chuckling) Malcolm, we get it. You're still the star of the show. :'''Malcolm:''' It's not for me to say, darling. :'''Geoffrey:''' No, you're still the star of the show. Yeah, until they start wheeling out the celebrities. What's next, Malcolm? Ant and Dec as the new fucking litter tsars? That's when you know you're 20 points behind in the polls. :'''Malcolm:''' Oh, well, thank you very much, Mr. Fucking Prick Robinson. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Nicola's getting a phone call from a certain someone...)'' :'''Terri:''' Nicola, it's your nephew on the phone. :'''Nicola:''' What? :'''Terri:''' Your nephew. Andy Murray. :'''Nicola:''' (Very excited) Fuck! On the line, now? ''OH, MY GOD! It's Andy Murray on the line!'' What line? :'''Terri:''' Press two. :'''Nicola:''' He's not there, Terri! Fuck's sake! :'''Terri:''' Maybe it was three. :'''Nicola:''' God, it drives me insane! Is he there now? :'''Terri:''' Yeah, yeah. Hang on, let me just get him off hold. :'''Nicola:''' It really pisses me off! The fucking phones in this whole -- Andy! Hello! It's Nicola Murray, yes! What a delight to talk to you! :''(While NICOLA Murray's chatting on the phone with ANDY Murray, Ollie gets a call on his cell phone from Malcolm.)'' :'''Ollie:''' Hi, Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' Ollie. Andy Murray. :'''Ollie:''' Oh, good. We are literally confirming him as we speak. :'''Malcolm:''' Ditch him. We can't go with celebrities. Right? It's just gonna look bad. :'''Ollie:''' Why? :'''Malcolm:''' We're gonna look desperate, all right? :'''Ollie:''' Well, uh...Steve Fleming likes the idea. :'''Malcolm:''' Never mind what Mummy says. Just do what Daddy says, right? :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, whilst you're on, um, just, um...there's another thing. Uh, Mummy has asked us to publish the crime stats as part of the Transparent Government initiative. Is that all right with Daddy? :'''Malcolm:''' It's fine. :'''Ollie:''' Really? Because, um, Nicola's got that baffled, panicky look like a child on the ghost train. :'''Malcolm:''' Give me a second while I look up my little file of things I really don't give a fuck about. And here we have under the letter N, we've got "nail-bombing golf clubs," there is, uh, the National Trust, there is Newcastle...Nicola Murray. Yes. She's still there. So fucking can Andy Murray and just get on with the fucking crime stats. :'''Nicola:''' ''(still on the phone with Andy)'' I'll make sure Kate liaises with my press whiz kid, uh, Terri Coverley. She's a woman. But listen, if there is anything else we can do for you, ''please'' don't hesitate to call. Dare I say it, we are ''here to serve'', (laughing) if you'll excuse the pun. All right, Andy. Take care. Bye. <hr width="50%"/> :''(But now, Ollie has to give Nicola the bad news...)'' :'''Ollie:''' Malcolm says we have to drop him. :'''Nicola:''' (in disbelief) What? :'''Ollie:''' Andy. He's not in, he's now out. Apparently, according to Malcolm, sent to bed without any barley water. :'''Nicola:''' I mean, he's a fucking tennis player! We're not asking Shane MacGowan! ''Why?'' :'''Ollie:''' It's nothing personal. He just said bringing in celebrities looks desperate. He said it's the sign of a dying government. :'''Nicola:''' We are a dying government! Our hair's falling out, and we're coughing up blood, and our kids are asking us to change the will! :'''Ollie:''' Look, he was quite clear about this. He said just, you know, kill it. Kitten, breeze block, sack, canal. :'''Nicola:''' Oh, I can imagine him being clear about it. Right. We've gotta get on to -- ''(to Terri)'' ''You've'' gotta get on to... :'''Terri:''' Me? :'''Nicola:''' ...Andy Murray's people and find a polite way of saying, "Piss off, Andy. Apparently, you're too well-known to front our public awareness campaign." :'''Terri:''' Right. :''(But Glenn has some GOOD news on the crime stats.)'' :'''Glenn:''' Right! Good news is I have done all that pile and that's in the system. :'''Ollie:''' Excellent. :'''Glenn:''' (stretching his back) Oh, fuck me! :''(But then, Glenn sees a trolley-full of more crime stats headed his way!)'' :'''Glenn:''' ''What the hell's THIS?'' :'''Ollie:''' It appears to be a trolley-full of crime stats. :'''Glenn:''' "Vandalism?" "Bicycle theft?" Oh, this is ridiculous! :''(And just when he says THAT, Glenn kicks open a box of crime stats!)'' :'''Ollie:''' Well, that's given us an unexpected head start, well done. I would kill you but I'd have to add you to the fucking figures. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nicola:''' ''(to Terri)'' Okay. Think about what you're gonna say. :'''Terri:''' Yeah. Okay, I've done that. :'''Nicola:''' What? Already? Is that enough time? :'''Terri:''' ''(on the phone)'' Kate. Hello. Uh, Terri Coverley. Yes. Yeah, we're thrilled about Andy being on board. :'''Nicola:''' ''(whispering to Terri)'' Get on with it. :'''Terri:''' (stammering) No. I'm not actually saying that it's... :''(Nicola then sees Steve Fleming entering the room. Again.)'' :'''Nicola:''' (still whispering) Shit! End the call. End the call. It's Mustache Sally. Fleming! Steve Fleming's here! Put the phone down! :'''Steve:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Ah, Nicola Murray! How are the crime stats coming along? :'''Nicola:''' It's not easy, Steve, as you can see. But Glenn and Ollie are on top of it. :'''Ollie:''' "Other theft?" What the fuck is other theft? :'''Glenn:''' I don't know what other theft is. :'''Steve:''' If you want to stay late, or pull an all-nighter, if you think it'd help – :'''Glenn:''' You want us to work all through the night on this? :'''Steve:''' It would be very much appreciated upstairs. :'''Ollie:''' Hah, well: I'm an atheist. :'''Steve:''' ''(laughs)'' By the Prime Minister. I did get the joke, by the way. :'''Ollie''' ''(mouthing)'': Well done. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm is back from holiday in this scene, and he's having a warm and friendly chat with his loyal assistant, Sam.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' (happily) Good morning, good morning, good morning! I'm back! I'm sorry I left my sombrero at home, but here I am. What do you think of the tan, huh? What do you think of this shade? I call it "Custard Cancer." (Malcolm gets a delivery.) Oh, thank you very much. :'''Sam:''' Where did you go? :'''Malcolm:''' I went to, um, Easter Island. I thought I'd spend my time there re-chiseling all the statues, so that they'd look like Westlife. How about a coffee? :'''Sam:''' Oh, I've sent you a link to Andy Murray's website. There's, uh, something you should see. :'''Malcolm:''' Andy Murray's website? :''(While Sam leaves Malcolm's office to get him a cup of coffee, Malcolm reads about the big news on Andy Murray's website...)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Andy says, "Just agreed to lead the government's Healthy Choices campaign. Eat, live, be well." Fuck a Pot Noodle. :''(Uh-oh...)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Sam, prepare my horse. I ride – to DoSAC! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nicola:''' Hello, Terri. :'''Terri:''' Morning, Nicola. :'''Nicola:''' Who am I, Terri? :'''Terri:''' You're Nicola? Nicola Murray? :''(Nicola nods her head "Yes.")'' :'''Terri:''' Ah. Secretary of State for... :'''Nicola:''' That's right. I'm Secretary of State. So why has a sports personality launched my policy on his fucking website? :'''Terri:''' Ah! No, I know. I know exactly why that is. :'''Nicola:''' You didn't make the phone call, did you? :'''Terri:''' Well, uh, yes. :'''Ollie:''' Nicola, um, in other really bad news -- Good morning, by the way. :'''Glenn:''' (on the phone) This is about the crime stats, yeah? :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, some of the crime stats that we published, as it turns out, were unverified and not ready for being in the public domain. Uh, Marianne Swift from ''The Mail...'' :'''Nicola:''' Oh, Swine-Face Swift. :'''Ollie:''' That's the one. She noticed, uh, a drop in the figures for aggravated burglary in the last quarter. Whereas when she checked it out... :'''Nicola:''' There was no drop. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah. :'''Nicola:''' Right. So Swine-Face Swift and her piggy hack-hog colleagues... :'''Ollie:''' Exactly. So we're getting a lot of, uh, oinking on the phones. So basically what that means is that the department -- well, essentially the royal you, um, seem to have massaged the crime figures. :'''Nicola:''' Great. Thank you, Steve fucking "Ew, Nicola!" Fleming! :'''Ollie:''' Yup. He is a fucking...ninny, isn't he? :'''Nicola:''' Bring my dispatch boxes. :'''Ollie:''' Okay. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Steve:''' Malcolm! :'''Malcolm:''' Oh, there he is, [[wikipedia:Bob_Carolgees|Bob Carolgees]]; how's the wee comedy dog? :'''Steve:''' Welcome back. Good holiday? I hear your kitchen's lovely at this time of year. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well actually, I went to Spain. :'''Steve:''' Oh, nice. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah yeah, I went to Malaga, it was lovely. I was golfing with [[Stephen Hawking]], he's fucking shit. He lied about his handicap. Mind you, I never had to hire a golf buggy, I just sat in his lap. :'''Steve:''' Please. Why do we have to be like this? All this negative energy. Come on! :'''Malcolm:''' What? :'''Steve:''' Well, we've got to work together. So, you know... :'''Malcolm:''' So what? I mean, that doesn't mean we have to like each other, does it? :'''Steve:''' No, I mean... :''(Someone's trying to get past Malcolm and Steve.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to the passer-by)'' Sorry. (He politely lets him pass through.) :'''Steve:''' We both know we don't like each other, everyone knows that, we are the Gallagher brothers of politics. :'''Malcolm:''' How does that work? Does that mean that I'm [[Noel Gallagher|the semi-talented songwriter]] and you're [[Liam Gallagher|the fucking loutish prick]]? That's a lovely analogy. :'''Steve:''' You were the one who forced me out of the sodding band. ''(chuckles)'' Come on, let's have a chat. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm and Steve continue their unfriendly chat in an office.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' You were asked to leave the fucking band. And you wouldn't fucking go, would you? You had to hang on in there, like a [[wikipedia:Limpet|limpet]] up a whale's arse. :'''Steve:''' Why do you thrive so much on being disliked? :'''Malcolm:''' People hate me? Good! Bring it on. Do you know what they say about you? :'''Steve:''' I'm sure you're going to tell me, Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' I'll tell you ''exactly'' what people think about you! :'''Steve:''' All right, go on then! :'''Malcolm:''' ''Fuck-all!!'' :'''Steve:''' Oh, do they? ''FUCK-ALL?'' :'''Malcolm:''' People have ''no'' fucking opinion about you! You're like fucking [[wikipedia:Special K|Special K]] or fucking the Moody Blues. That's you, fucking white noise in the background—Funny? Is that funny? Do you find that funny? :'''Steve:''' No, I don't find anything you're saying funny whatsoever. And I'll tell you a home truth, Malcolm Tucker: The people who are really hated in this country, the people who are really hated, are us. This government. How about we stand together? Let's both be team players, shall we? :''(But then, Malcolm's cell phone beeps.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Were you the Einstein that OK'd this fucking Andy Murray thing at DoSAC? Because I've got ''The Telegraph'' on here. (Steve's cell phone then beeps.) And you've probably got ''The Times'' asking why the budget's been pre-announced on Twitter by fucking Ryan Giggs. :'''Steve:''' (looking at his cell phone) Shit! "The last quarter's crime stats, which DoSAC have published, are unconfirmed projections." Shit! :'''Malcolm:''' That's DoSAC for you. :'''Steve:''' Come on, Malcolm. Team players! :'''Malcolm:''' Bring me sunshine. :''(Both men leave the office.)'' <hr width="50%"/> :''(Meanwhile, at DoSAC, Glenn, Ollie & Terri are on their desk phones, trying to get a better handle on the news of the moment.)'' :'''Glenn:''' (on his phone) No, we're not manipulating the figures. Somebody quite simply made a mistake. No. No, I couldn't possibly say who. :'''Ollie:''' (on his phone) Glenn Cullen. Glenn with one, one N. :'''Terri:''' (on her phone) We have actually decided to go in a different direction from Andy. :''(Steve and Malcolm have entered the room, both making a beeline for Nicola's office.)'' :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Good holiday? :'''Malcolm:''' Shut it, you fucking hairdresser. :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Got any photos? :'''Malcolm:''' I've got a photo of you in a minute with your cock nailed to the desk. Hey, you want to see something that's truly worth photographing? Look at Steve Fleming at work, eh? That's the real master of spin. He's [[wikipedia:Jimi Hendrix|Spinny fucking Hendrix]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''(And now, Steve & Malcolm are confronting Nicola in her office...much to Nicola's dismay...)'' :'''Steve:''' Nicola, you and your department have screwed up! :'''Malcolm''' ''(entering)'': I'd like to agree with the previous speaker, only adding the words 'fucking royally'. :'''Nicola:''' Oh Jesus, am I being gang-bollocked? :'''Malcolm:''' Andy Murray's [[wikipedia:Tim_Henman|Henman]]-fisting us in the press. We can't have that – :'''Steve:''' Well, with undue respect, Malcolm, the crime stats cock-up is a much bigger deal. :'''Nicola:''' This is such a great double act, isn't it? Good Cock, Bad Cock! :'''Malcolm:''' I'll tell you what, why don't you go first, mate? I need a wazz. ''(leaves)'' :'''Steve:''' I like you, Nicola, I quite like you. But darling, I've gotta ask you, what the bloody hell happened? :'''Nicola:''' Like you asked, we published the crime figures from 2004 up to the last quarter. :'''Steve:''' Yes, up to the last quarter but not up to and ''INCLUDING the last quarter, you dozy mare!'' :'''Nicola:''' 'Up to' includes the thing you're going up to. Right? If you say count up to 20, it means count up to ''and include'' the number 20! :'''Steve:''' The events leading up to the Second World War do ''not'' include the Second World War! :'''Nicola:''' We haven't got time for a semantic argument about this. :''(Malcolm returns.)'' :'''Steve:''' Listen, sweetheart – :'''Nicola:''' ''Do not'' fucking call me sweetheart! :'''Malcolm:''' I think you'll find that Steve was addressing me: the 'tache is a bit of a giveaway. :'''Steve:''' I will draft a statement. :'''Malcolm:''' You fucking will not draft any fucking statement! :'''Steve:''' I've been minding the shop! :'''Malcolm:''' You were fucking minding the shop, and what happened? A bunch of fucking schoolkids came in and fucking dropped their trousers and fucking had a shit in aisle 5! :'''Steve:''' Well thank you for giving us a guided tour around the Freudian nightmare of your head! :'''Nicola:''' Could you two decide between you in which order, and from which direction, I'm gonna be shafted? <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm and Steve are playing a "Tug of War" of sorts for Nicola's attention.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Ignore him. Just come with me. Come into my office. :'''Steve:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Let's deal with the crime stats... :''(But Malcolm successfully brings Nicola into his "office..." and shuts Steve out.)'' :'''Steve:''' (knocking on the door) Come on. Malcolm. Malcolm. MALCOLM! (Steve starts laughing uncomfortably) Sorry about this, everybody. :''(Malcolm is happy to shut out Steve, but he's still visibly annoyed.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Goodbye. Give my regards to the rest of the fucking Village People. :''(But then, Terri knocks on the office door.)'' :'''Terri:''' (outside the door) Sorry, Nicola, Mal--um, excuse me. It's Andy Murray. He's-he's insisting on talking to you. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Talk to him. :'''Nicola:''' What? :'''Malcolm:''' Get him back on board. Fucking talk to him. :'''Nicola:''' NO! :'''Malcolm:''' (whispering) Yes. :'''Nicola:''' You cannot be serious! :'''Malcolm:''' Was that an attempt at a joke? :'''Nicola:''' You told me to kill it! I've killed it! :'''Malcolm:''' Right now, some photos in the papers of a very boring man with tight white shorts on is gonna be a very pleasant distraction from Steve's fucking crime stats abortion. :'''Nicola:''' If we need a fucking celebrity, can we try somebody else? Steve Redgrave. :'''Malcolm:''' He's a boring fuck! :'''Nicola:''' Lewis Hamilton. :'''Malcolm:''' Fucking boring, boring fuck. And fucking drives a car. :'''Nicola:''' Chris Boardman. :'''Malcolm:''' Fucking cyclist! Are you fucking mental? ''Everybody'' hates cyclists! Even fucking cyclists hate fucking cyclists! Plus, ''he's'' a boring fuck! :'''Nicola:''' I cannot... :'''Terri:''' (''still'' outside the office) Paula Radcliffe? :'''Nicola:''' No, she shat in the street! :'''Malcolm:''' And she's a boring fuck as well. :'''Nicola:''' How about we just launch the policy without a celebrity? :'''Malcolm:''' (sarcastically) Oh, great idea. "Hello, there. Hi, everyone. I, Nicola Murray, would like to say to you that even though you don't fucking know me from fucking Adam, I think you should cut down on carbs." <hr width="50%"/> :''(Meanwhile, Steve is trying to turn a negative into a positive. He wants to get Glenn and Ollie to fix the crime stats crisis.)'' :'''Steve:''' Lads, let's get this crime stats cock-up sorted. What have you both got so far? :'''Glenn:''' Well, actually, now we've been trying to think of a replacement for Andy Murray. Some of the women footballers...uh, Jessica Clark, or Sue Smith. Or Faye White. :''(Steve's starts smiling, but he's getting annoyed.)'' :'''Steve:''' I ''cannot believe'' the energy going into Andy Murray! (Starts laughing again) I can't! :''(Steve starts leaving DoSAC.)'' :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' What's his problem. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm is talking on his cell phone while heading to his office.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Just try and wrap your gin-addled brain about this, right? I ''did'' say I was at the heart of government. But when... :''(Steve Fleming is already in Malcolm's office.)'' :'''Steve:''' Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' (on his phone) Excuse me. :'''Steve:''' I need to talk to you. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Steve)'' One second, please. ''(back to his phone)'' Listen, when that...When that incident occurred, I was on holiday. Are you saying to me that my wee caravan's a great fucking waste of time? And my stupid fucking wing mirror extensions? :'''Steve:''' (pointing to the TV) The crime stats and Andy Murray, Malc. It's a double fault. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(answering a knock at his door)'' Listen, if you are not a prostitute or a pizza guy, fuck off! ''(to Steve)'' Steve, listen, could you eat or fuck whatever's at the door on your fucking way out, please? ''(to a colleague)'' No thanks. ''(back on his phone)'' How can I be held responsible? What, for what? I've created a what around the government? I've created a vibe? Listen, son, the only fucking vibe you have to worry about is the one that your wife hides in her knicker drawer. ''(back to Steve)'' I am on top of this, okay? :'''Steve:''' Oh, fine, fine. You know, I'm just saying I'll gladly lend you a hand if you feel the need to keep your head down. :'''Malcolm:''' I don't need to keep my head down, because unlike yourself, I don't give blowjobs to truckers. :''(Another knock at Malcolm's office door...)'' :'''Malcolm:''' I SAID FUCK OFF! :''(The door opens, and -- SURPRISE! It's Julius Nicholson!)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Oh, it's Lord Nicholson! What an enormous pleasure this is! :'''Julius:''' (with a big smile) Well, in fact, it's, um, the Right Honorable the Lord Nicholson of Arnage. And the kissing of feet may commence! :'''Malcolm:''' You got all your stuff ready for your official lording ceremony? Have you got your mink thong and your ermine colostomy bag? :'''Julius:''' No, I don't, no. I have to hire that, unfortunately. I can't wear it on the Tube or the bus, but I would. It would be great larks, but there we go. :'''Steve:''' How about a coffee? Coffee? :'''Julius:''' Well, um, if there's coffee going, I'd never say no to a nice cup of coffee. :'''Malcolm:''' Do you not drink coffee anymore? Is it all port and swan's blood these days? :'''Julius:''' Swan's blood. That does sound nice. No, I'm just sort of passing through, because obviously we need to start booting up this crime stats inquiry. But it's in effect an investigation into the facts. But I thought since I was passing through... :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, but you don't have to talk to me about that, do you? 'Cause I was on my holidays then. Did you get my postcard? :'''Julius:''' Well, I will speak to whomsoever I need to speak to, holiday or no holiday? :'''Malcolm:''' Where did you learn to speak like that? Is there a special school that's just you and Brian Sewell went to? :'''Julius:''' I'm gonna leave you to it, frankly. :'''Malcolm:''' So soon? :'''Steve:''' And I'm gonna make tracks as well, Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' Okay, good to see you both. :''(But just before Steve leaves...)'' :'''Steve:''' ''(to Malcolm, softly)'' The problem is that you are shifting from the man people love to hate to the man people just hate. From [[wikipedia:Simon Cowell|Simon Cowell]] to [[wikipedia:Piers Morgan|Piers Morgan]]. :'''Malcolm:''' See you later, and remember, my door's always open. :''(And when Steve leaves, Malcolm throws part of the bagel sandwich he was eating onto the door in disgust.)'' <hr width="50%"/> :''(Glenn and Ollie are reading stories about Malcolm in the newspapers.)'' :'''Ollie:''' I had no idea, no idea that it was Malcolm who drafted Fleming's resignation letter in 2003. :'''Glenn:''' I forgot your political memory only goes back two issues of [[The Economist]]. :'''Ollie:''' Hey! There's a reference to you here, Cullen. :'''Glenn:''' Where? :'''Ollie:''' 'Alleged to have assaulted an elderly aide at a party conference.' :'''Glenn:''' Elderly aide? :'''Ollie:''' Elderly aide. :'''Glenn:''' God, that makes me sound like a fucking stairlift! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm sees Nicola outside his office.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Hey, [[wikipedia:Dora the Explorer|Dora the Explorer]]. :'''Nicola:''' (sighing) Still here, then, Malcolm? :'''Malcolm:''' Time for a milky drink? Come on. Come on in. I wanna have a word with you. :''(Nicola reluctantly comes into Malcolm's office...)'' :'''Malcolm:''' There you go. How was Cabinet? Was it good? Is Tom looking after you? :'''Nicola:''' You're all over the newspapers like a pissing puppy, Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' Well, I think you'll find that's what we masters of the dark arts call a blip. Tomorrow that will all be old news. It'll be like the fucking [[wikipedia:The War of the Roses|War of the Roses]]. Or [[wikipedia:AIDS|AIDS]]. Remember AIDS? Listen, Nicola, see that? Did Julius mention to you about his inquiry? :'''Nicola:''' Yeah. :'''Malcolm:''' The inquiry into the whole fucking crime stats cock-up? :'''Nicola:''' Yeah. :'''Malcolm:''' You know the phone call that came through to me from your office? You know, about the whole idea? :'''Nicola:''' Yeah, yeah. :'''Malcolm:''' It didn't happen, right? :'''Nicola:''' You want me to cover your back? :'''Malcolm:''' I want you to get the old inquiry screen out and slap it on, fucking factor 50, why not? Listen, I'll tell you what. This is what I'll do. I will get for you some really good press attention for your fucking Healthy Choices nonsense. How about that? I'll get you some big fucking healthy headlines. :'''Nicola:''' You're in no position to give me anything. You're not -- you can't even get a fucking bagel cleaned up off your door. Do you mind? :''(Nicola gets ready to leave Malcolm's office, but he's still trying to talk to her.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' What? Do you think I can't get it up anymore? Is that it? You're looking at fucking Lazarus, sweetheart. And not just plain Lazarus. I'm fucking self-raising Lazarus, right? <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm has organised positive press coverage of DoSAC's Healthy Lifestyles policy)'' :'''Glenn:''' Well done Malcolm. :'''Ollie:''' He's very impressive, isn't he? In the way that, you know, [[Mao Zedong|Chairman Mao]] was actually quite impressive. :'''Glenn:''' Well that's the thing about the evil, isn't it, their amazing work ethic. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' How are the hacks? :'''Steve:''' Ready to eat their own cocks. :'''Malcolm:''' They're only journalists, Steve, not fucking [[wikipedia:Rangers_F.C.|Rangers]] supporters. :'''Steve:''' I know they are. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well, I need 10 minutes. I need to google some jokes about Andy Murray. :'''Steve:''' Shall I go first? :'''Malcolm:''' Warm them up. Tell them [[wikipedia:Laurence Olivier|Olivier]] is on his way, but in the meantime, here's an audience with [[wikipedia:Peter Bowles|Peter fucking Bowles]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''(A short time later, Malcolm spots Julius again.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Oh, there he is. Screaming Lord Crutch. I like the flunkies, by the way. That's a very nice touch. It's a wee bit [[wikipedia:Graham Norton|Graham Norton]]. :'''Julius:''' Don't needle me, Malcolm. Not when people are under scrutiny. :'''Malcolm:''' ''I'm'' under scrutiny? :'''Julius:''' Yes. :'''Malcolm:''' I'm fucking Nosferatu. That's really fucking scary. :'''Julius:''' (unimpressed) I'm walking on. We're moving on. I'm Ian Botham. I'm walking on for hospice care. :''(And then, Malcolm sees Nicola...and he sneaks over to her when nobody's looking.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' How's it going with Lord Bonnie Longford? :'''Nicola:''' I've not been in yet. I've just been standing here for 20 minutes. :'''Malcolm:''' So IF this phone call does come up... :'''Julius''' (Seeing what Malcolm's up to) No! No, that's not... :'''Nicola:''' You're nothing if not persistent, are you, Malcolm? :''(Julius breaks up the conversation.)'' :'''Julius:''' Don't do that! I made it quite clear... :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Julius)'' I was standing over there and I thought, "Nicola's choking." But she wasn't. She was laughing, retrospectively, at your massive shiny head. ''(to Steve)'' Oh, what happened? Did you get heckled off? What was the line? "Taxi for [[Tom Selleck]]!" :'''Steve:''' Yeah. Could I have a quick word? Just...just five minutes. :''(Steve takes Malcolm into the office to have a private chat.)'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Steve:''' So, Malcolm, mate. :'''Malcolm:''' What is it? What's...What's the problem? You look like you fucking coughed up your own twin. :''(An awkward silence...)'' :'''Malcolm:''' No, no, no, no...I need to talk to Tom. :'''Steve:''' No, Tom isn't immediately available to you. :'''Malcolm:''' Fuck off. :'''Steve:''' Malcolm, the Prime Minister respects you enormously. :'''Malcolm:''' (on his cell phone) Sam, get a hold of Pat, right... :''(But then, Malcolm's cell phone shuts off.)'' :'''Steve:''' Actually, I'm gonna need that. That's an official Blackberry. :'''Malcolm:''' (answering a door knock) Fuck off! :''(Julius enters the office.)'' :'''Julius:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Right. Your five minutes starts now. :'''Malcolm:''' Fuck off. :'''Steve:''' ''(to Julius)'' This is an acutely private moment, Julius. Would it seem terribly rude if I asked you to ''shit off'' for five minutes? :'''Julius:''' Yes, it would. :''(And now, Nicola enters the office.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Can you fuck off as well? :'''Nicola:''' ''(to Julius)'' Julius, what -- ''(to Malcolm)'' Sorry, excuse me? ''(back to Julius)'' Julius, what is the deal? :'''Julius:''' At ''the moment'', Malcolm is getting ''The Sack.'' :'''Nicola:''' (stunned) Shit. Now? Literally? I mean, in -- I'm actually in the sacking? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Yeah, well, let's see what the fucking Prime Minister has to say about that! Huh? Let's see what he has to say! :'''Steve:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' Listen to me a minute! The Prime Minister supports you fully in whatever you decide to do next. :''(Steve presents Malcolm with a pen and paper, in effect asking for his resignation.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' You. Fucking Nicola. Right, tell them. Fucking tell them that there was no fucking phone call. ''(beat)'' Speak! I fucking ask you, speak! Open Sesame! :'''Nicola:''' I'm not, I'm not here, Malcolm. I'm not... :'''Malcolm:''' You are fucking here! :'''Nicola:''' I'm not seeing this. :'''Malcolm:''' Open your fucking mouth for once and say something! :'''Nicola:''' I'm not getting involved. :'''Malcolm:''' You fucking speak! You've always fucking got something to say! :'''Nicola:''' I'm only a Cabinet Minister! :'''Malcolm:''' Fuck off, then! :''(Nicola runs out of Number 10.)'' :'''Steve:''' Malc, Malc – :'''Malcolm:''' Don't fucking touch me! :'''Steve:''' Come on, Malc! :'''Malcolm:''' You cannot fuck me! You cannot fuck me! I am unfuckable! I have never been fucked! And if you fucking try and fuck me, you'll find my fucking arse will fucking grow fucking fangs! :'''Steve:''' Yeah, all right, now come and listen to me! Will you listen to me – :'''Malcolm:''' And fucking snap your fucking cock off – :'''Steve:''' MALCOLM TUCKER, WILL YOU LISTEN TO ME?! :'''Malcolm:''' Go right ahead. Yeah, let's hear it, let's hear it. :'''Steve:''' Listen to me for one second. :'''Malcolm:''' Go right ahead. :'''Steve:''' I wouldn't tell ''you'' what I've just told you ''before'' I'd told the press pack, would I? That would be very very unprofessional. So there's no point in getting angry because the show's over. It's curtains. No curtain call. Everyone ''loved'' the show, but it just wasn't ''buttering'' any ''parsnips'' ANYMORE, BROTHER! :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. You don't have the fucking balls, apart from that great inflated fucking ball on the fucking end of your fucking neck. :'''Steve:''' (looking at the TV behind Malcolm) Ooh, look. Oh... :''(Malcolm's resignation is now the big story on BBC News.)'' :'''Steve:''' (whispering softly) "Malcolm Tucker resigns..." Looks pretty factual to me. :'''Malcolm:''' Fuck this. Fuck this. Fuck you all. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm is now chasing himself into Steve's office!)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Get back to fucking ''[[wikipedia:The Wind in the Willows|Wind in the Willows]]'', 'cause that's where you fucking belong! :'''Steve:''' I didn't ask you to -- I didn't ask you to come back in. Would you leave my office, please? :'''Malcolm:''' I'm not fucking gonna waste my breath on you. :''(And now, Malcolm is marching his way towards Julius! Yelling and cursing along the way!)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Julius)'' As for you... :'''Julius:''' Malcolm, I am sick to death -- You can explain -- :''(Malcolm puts his hands on Julius and pins him up against a door!)'' :'''Julius:''' Don't TOUCH me, Malcolm! :'''Malcolm:''' I'll fucking touch you if I like! :'''Julius:''' Because I'll tell you this, man! :'''Malcolm:''' You'll tell me WHAT? :'''Julius:''' YOU shafted me, boy! :''(Julius fights back and puts his hand on Malcolm!)'' :'''Julius:''' I'll fucking strike you, Malcolm! :'''Malcolm:''' Don't you fucking touch me! :'''Julius:''' I warn you! :'''Malcolm:''' Don't touch that scarf! That's Paul Smith! Twat! ''(to somebody else)'' MOVE! :''(Malcolm is finally leaving Good Ol' Number 10.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' YOU WILL SEE ME AGAIN! (Malcolm heads towards the door.) You will fucking see me again! ''(He leaves Number 10.)'' <hr width="50%"/> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Marianne Swift:''' So all this is homemade, is it? :'''Malcolm:''' Of course it is! Look, I mean, this is going to be like [[wikipedia:Jamie_at_Home|Jamie at Home]], right, except I'm not going to be bouncing around spouting Cockney drivel out of my fat, lisping, ox face. <hr width="50%"/> :''(deleted scene)'' :''(thinking about options other than Andy Murray for the Healthy Eating launch)'' :'''Terri:''' What about [[wikipedia:Lynda_Bellingham|Lynda Bellingham]]? :'''Ollie:''' Yes, that'd be convincing, 'Eat less salt', says [[wikipedia:Oxo_(food)#Marketing|the dancing Oxo lady]], good idea. No one from [[wikipedia:Calendar_Girls_(play)|the stage show of Calendar Girls]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''(deleted scene)'' :''(Reading stories about Malcolm in the newspapers)'' :'''Glenn:''' I forgot your political memory only goes back two issues of The Economist. :'''Ollie:''' That's right, Glenn, you'll have to hold my hand through this complicated world: some of us weren't up the Acropolis the day that you and [[Roy Jenkins]] invented democracy. :'''Terri:''' Oh my God. Did you know that he'd been some kind of womaniser? :'''Ollie:''' You wanna check the Sun, they've got a woman who claims he womanised her three times in a day at the gazebo at Chequers. Front, back, and in the gallery, as I understand it. ==Series 3, Episode 8== :''(At DoSAC, Glenn and Ollie can't get over Malcolm Tucker's resignation.)'' :'''Glenn:''' You know, I just can't quite believe this. I mean, this is the single most shocking thing I've seen in politics since the SDP. I thought he'd at least go out with a bang or a killing spree. :'''Ollie:''' I always imagined he'd just shout so hard his lungs would come up and choke him to death. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Over at Opposition HQ, however, Malcolm's departure is being celebrated by Peter Mannion and his team.)'' :'''Peter:''' End of an era! :'''Emma:''' Yeah, a really shit era though, isn't it? :'''Phil:''' ''(cheering)'' WHOO! :'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' Oh, f-- Calm down! :'''Phil:''' Balrog's dead! I mean, that's it. I mean, they're done. I mean, no one can replace him. It's like when Queen lost [[wikipedia:Freddie Mercury|Freddie]]. You know. Certainly not [[wikipedia:Paul Rodgers|Paul Rodgers]]. :''(Stewart Pearson, however, wants no part of the festivities. He wants everyone to get back to business.)'' :'''Stewart:''' All right, everyone. That's the two seconds of respect due to him. Now get back to your desks and do something, okay? ''(to a female worker)'' Not the sofa! Who are you, Lorraine Kelly? Get out here and do something! If you've nothing to do, leave, because you're clearly surplus to requirements! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Steve is at DoSAC, trying to gently assure everyone that everything's alright.)'' :'''Steve:''' Um, lads and lasses! ''(He laughs)'' Please, just a quick word. Thank you. Really, it's just a hand-hold to set the tone for a slightly re-jigged regime. I've done all the important departments, and now I've got to you. ''(He laughs again)'' Seriously, I've done that joke everywhere, but, uh, even with the genuinely big departments. So I'm not -- ''(imitating gun fire)'' -- aiming at you in any sort of a snide way. I'm just checking that we're all at the very top of our games. ''(Steve then looks at Glenn, who's looking at his cell phone.)'' Glenn, mate? :'''Glenn:''' Sorry. :'''Steve:''' Are you on top of your game? :'''Glenn:''' I am -- I am ''above'' my game. I-I'm in a geo-stationary orbit, way above it, looking down and going, "Hello, game, it's Glenn!" :'''Steve:''' (laughing) Right! You know, there's an election looming. This is quite a serious time. We need to be aware of that. (Steve points in Glenn's direction, smiling) But I love humor, and that was good humor. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm is at home with a man going through alternative career options.)'' :'''Man:''' Do you want to swim the Channel for [[wikipedia:Scope_(charity)|Scope]]? :'''Malcolm:''' No! :'''Man:''' Do you want to do ''[[wikipedia:Dragons'_Den_(UK_TV_series)|Dragon's Den]]'' for ''[[wikipedia:Children_in_Need|Children in Need]]''? :'''Malcolm:''' I'd rather fuck a real dragon. :'''Man:''' Would you consider promoting a politically themed restaurant? :'''Malcolm:''' How does that – how does that even work? Oh fuck no, I don't care. :'''Man:''' Would you like to write a children's book, called 'The Angry Spider'? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Steve:''' So, everything: Good. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, you know, a bit of instability with Malcolm gone, a sort of sense of Post – you know, Psychotic Twats Disorder, but – :'''Steve:''' No no, listen, I understand, but you know, right now, you're all emerging from the cellar – pleased that the beatings have stopped - scared of what the future might hold, but long-term, I think we're all going to be okay. Pep talk, over! Return to your desks, and prepare for government. :'''Ollie:''' We're in government. :'''Steve:''' ''(smiling, but clearly annoyed)'' Well then, prepare to ''stay'' in government. :'''Ollie:''' Oh right. How do we do that? :'''Glenn:''' We pack an overnight bag. :'''Steve:''' ''(apoplectic) Will you '''PLEASE, FUCKING WELL –''' (Steve immediately composes himself, and lets out a forced laugh)'' I'm sorry, I've lost my temper! Where is it? Where is it? Oh, no, I've found it again. It's alright. :'''Ollie:''' Always in the last place you look, eh? :'''Nicola:''' ''(to Steve)'' So, can I...? :'''Steve:''' Yeah. :'''Nicola:''' Great. :'''Steve:''' Uh, actually, can I have a word with you, Nicky, please? :'''Nicola:''' Yeah. Nicola. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Steve wants to talk to Nicola in her office about the upcoming election...and he's standing a bit too close for her comfort.)'' :'''Steve:''' I just wanted to check. Obviously, Dan Miller's cabal is going house to house through the cabinet looking for numbskulls stupid enough to resign to trigger his elevation to the throne. :'''Nicola:''' ''(nodding)'' Obviously. :'''Steve:''' What I need to know is are you solid? :'''Nicola:''' Yeah, I am completely -- I am solid as, as the proverbial. As-as a rock. As a rock-hard...as a sailor's wang on shore leave. :'''Steve:''' ''(very pleased)'' Superb. You really are the potty mouth, aren't you? :'''Nicola:''' ''(chuckling)'' Well, a lot to do. :''(After Steve leaves her office, Nicola calls out to Glenn & Ollie.)'' :'''Nicola:''' Ollie, Glenn, in here now. Quick, quick, quick. :''(Glenn approaches the office while taking off his glasses.)'' :'''Nicola:''' Oh Glenn! Don't faff around with your glasses, I know you take them off every time you come in here. It's not impressive. ''(to Glenn and Ollie)'' What do we know about the anti-Tom cabal? Why have I not been contacted by them? :'''Glenn:''' Well, um, uh... :'''Ollie:''' Because it would be you...uh, you're seen very much as an individual around the, uh... :'''Nicola:''' ''(embarrassed)'' That's bollocks, isn't it? It's 'cause I'm the girl at the party nobody wants to dance with. I'm the freak in the corner with a pint of cider and blackcurrant and the funny eye. :'''Ollie:''' No no. I-I mean, it's...You know, it a big, big Rolodex full of numbers. I'm sure... :'''Nicola:''' ''(to both Glenn & Ollie)'' Thank you. You may go. :'''Glenn:''' ''(stammering)'' We st-We still would like to dance with you. :'''Nicola:''' ''(to Glenn)'' Oh, fuck off. Go and put your glasses back on. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm is watching the nightly TV news at home when, all of a sudden, his cell phone rings...)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Hello, Phillip Schofield, I fuck lobsters for money. :''(Somebody is telling Malcolm something important.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Oh? <hr width="50%"/> :''(Julius Nicholson is trying to persuade Malcolm Tucker to return as the two of them are sharing an Indian take-away meal.)'' :'''Julius:''' Take the rice first. :'''Malcolm:''' Thank you. :'''Julius:''' Um, I want you to be very clear, Malc, about why it is that I brought you in. Do you know what hat it is that I'm wearing? :'''Malcolm:''' Is it your baldy swimming cap wig? :'''Julius:''' No, it is my government troubleshooter stetson, which is a long way from my homburg of sober inquiry. :'''Malcolm:''' Do you know that I'm thinking of doing a television program? :'''Julius:''' Well, I had heard something on the grapevine. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, it's good. You know that program ''[[wikipedia:Civilisation|Civilisation]]'' with Kenneth Clarke? :'''Julius:''' Oh, yes. :'''Malcolm:''' It's gonna be like that, except with fucking more quim, you know? It's me, Simon Schama and Alan Yentob in a cage, fucking lump hammer each, whacking the shit out of each other. The last man standing wins a fucking [[wikipedia:Ford Focus|Ford Focus]]. :'''Julius:''' The thing is, Malcolm, your departure has basically precipitated a call-to-arms, in effect. We have it on reasonably good authority that there are between three to four cabinet ministers who are disgruntled and are planning a mass resignation. And that means, very simply, a Dan Miller coronation. And as my nephew would say, "This shit just got real." :'''Malcolm:''' Your nephew? :'''Julius:''' Yeah, he's at Charterhouse. Only a day boy, not a boarder. Anyway, the fact is it has to be stopped. Um...There have been a number of ideas being tossed around. And one of them is...would you be prepared to come back? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(in disbelief)'' Are you out of your tiny, shiny fucking mind? :'''Julius:''' Look, we can do this simply. :''(Julius picks up four colored pencils.)'' :'''Julius:''' Step 1: Are you interested? Of course you are. ''(Julius drops a pencil)'' Step 2: Will you come back? Yes? ''(He drops another pencil)'' Superb. Step 3, and this is the important step: Will you use your considerable influence to destroy the cabal? Can I drop it down? ''(Julius drops down that pencil, too)'' Fan-dabi-dozi! Step 4: It's party time. Let's tool up with basmati rice and...Wahey! :'''Malcolm:''' ''(rightfully confused)'' You're asking me -- to come back here and mop up the fucking splatter from my own assassination? :'''Julius:''' You know where the bodies are buried. And we'll just say you're coming back to advise, it's election strategy, it's not a day-to-day government business role. :'''Malcolm:''' I can't come back again unless I know that I'm in the clear in your report. :'''Julius:''' I'm not in a position to discuss that; not with my current hat on. However, would I be sat here now if the man in the other hat—which is also me—wasn't sure that everyone involved in this inquiry didn't come out relatively well? :'''Malcolm:''' And what about Steve Fleming, yeah? You schizo hat fuck? :'''Julius:''' Let me put it this way: You see this onion bhaji? Let us pretend for a minute that this onion bhaji is the problems that would be caused by a report that criticised you or Steve Fleming. Hmm? Watch. ''(Julius takes a bite of the bhaji.)'' You see what I’m doing? I’m eating.. the onion bhaji. ''(He eats the rest of the bhaji.)'' Why? Because I am the man that makes the bhaji go away. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Steve approaches Julius while he's feeding ducks)'' :'''Steve:''' The rain in Spain stays mainly on the plain. :'''Julius:''' Well, actually, that is a popular misconception because what happens is the rain falls just before the mountain ridge, but they wouldn't want you to know that because it would spoil the rhyme. :'''Steve:''' Julius, what's up, Boo Boo? ''(both laugh)'' :'''Julius:''' Not much, I'm just feeding some victuals to these poor old ducks. That red-crested pochard there is positively ''hoggish'' with this Hovis. :'''Steve:''' I heard certain rumblings that I don't come out terribly well in this report of yours. Off the record, matey, am I fucked? :'''Julius:''' Off the record, and this is strictly between you, me and that ornamental gatepost over there, of course; the report is strictly confidential until publication. Haha, do you see what I've done there? The bald man has done a funny. :'''Steve:''' It's not funny. No, it's not funny at all, Julius. :'''Julius:''' ''(continuing to laugh)'' I beg to differ. I think I'm on sparkling form. :'''Steve:''' ''For '''fuck's''' sake!'' You ''FUCKING... Pontius'' Pilate, with the emphasis on '''''PONCE!''''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Glenn:''' ''(reading a headline about Steve and Julius on'' Times Online'')'' 'Care to do another draft, Sir Whitewash?' :'''Ollie:''' What have ''The Mirror'' got? :'''Terri:''' 'Give us the bald facts?' Oh it's very rude that, isn't it: I was always taught never to make personal remarks about people. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Glenn:''' OK, listen up everybody, that was Gavin over at Number 10. He reckons that Steve Fleming has just joined the cabal. :'''Everyone:''' Ooh! :'''Terri:''' That's a complete disaster, there'll be nothing else on television for weeks. :'''Ollie:''' Where's Malcolm? Where's the dark knight in all this? :'''Glenn:''' Malcolm will have grabbed his false passport by now, he'll be on a plane to Brazil, and he's about to spend the rest of his days being [[wikipedia:Marathon_Man_(film)|the world's scariest dentist]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nicola:''' Hello. You all right? You've got that 'cock in the cookie jar' look. :'''Ollie:''' He's back. :'''Nicola:''' Who? Barrymore? :'''Ollie:''' No. :'''Nicola:''' Clement Attlee? ''(realises)'' Oh fuck! :'''Ollie:''' Yes. :'''Nicola:''' Malcolm. :'''Ollie:''' Yes. :'''Nicola:''' Oh, no. God, he's gonna kill me. I was there when he was being sacked and he asked me for help, and I held out and now he's gonna want revenge isn't he? Fuck, fuck, fuck, it's gonna be like 'Kill Bill' or 'Get Carter', only it's gonna be 'Get and kill Nicola and then get Carter and Bill to fucking kill her too'! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nicola:''' Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' Hey Nicola! How are you doing? :'''Nicola:''' You're back. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah I'm just, you know, tying up a few loose ends. :'''Nicola:''' With which you're going to plait some kind of garotte and strangle me. :'''Malcolm:''' Forgive and forget. That's my motto. :'''Nicola:''' I thought your motto was '[[wikipedia:Who_Dares_Wins|Who fucks wins]]' or '[[wikipedia:Honi_soit_qui_mal_y_pense|Honi soit qui Malc y fuck]]'. :'''Malcolm:''' I've got a lot of mottos. Don't take that job, Nicola. :'''Nicola:''' God, Malcolm – :'''Malcolm:''' The anti-Tom brigade are just waiting for the first piece to fall. If you resign, it's political fucking Jenga. You will cause a landslide that will ''bury'' this Government. And you'll keep the party in opposition until Daniel Radcliffe is advertising walk-in baths in the fucking [[wikipedia:The_People's_Friend|People's Friend]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Julius:''' You... :'''Malcolm:''' Julius! :'''Julius:''' ...are a naughty bastard! :'''Malcolm:''' ''(Holding up Julius' report)'' Best thing I've read all year. It's the only thing, mind you. :'''Julius:''' You've done some pretty awful things to me in my time, but this takes the bloody biscuit. And you've pissed on that biscuit and I've got to eat it. Well, here's the news, Malcolm, I will not eat the pissy biscuit! :'''Malcolm:''' Sam, no pissy biscuits. ''(to Julius)'' What are you going on about, Julius? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' Are you off to clear your desk, Steve? Don't forget your lucky [[wikipedia:Gonk|gonk]], and your "World's Shittiest Dad" mug. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Steve:''' I'm going to resign from the Cabinet. And then, I'm going to join Dan Miller's team. ''(beat)'' I think we need a new leader. ''(walks off)'' :'''Malcolm:''' ''(following)'' Steve! :'''Steve:''' Oh, no, no, no! :'''Malcolm:''' Steve, don't you ever take up fucking poker, 'cause you're a crap liar. :'''Steve:''' I am gonna join Dan Miller's team and then we are gonna take you down; we are gonna take you down to funky town! ''Funky Town Centre, here you come!'' ''CHOO FUCKING CHOO!'' :'''Malcolm:''' Is this what you're threatening me with, fucking disco lights and a fucking choo-choo train? You're a joke, Steve! :'''Steve:''' ''(laughing)'' There's nothing you can do! :'''Malcolm:''' Steve! :'''Steve:''' Yeah? :'''Malcolm:''' There's ''one'' thing I can do! :'''Steve:''' What are you gonna do? :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, wouldn't you like to know! :'''Steve:''' Who are you gonna meet? Who's your meeting with? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(walking off)'' Bye-bye! :'''Steve:''' ''I'M NOT FUCKING WORRIED, MATE!'' ''(walks down the corridor)'' Fuck him! Fuck him! Fuck him! Fuck him! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stewart:''' All right now, listen up, my children of a lesser god, you will find a file marked 'Snap Election Drill' on the J drive. And if you don't know how to access the J drive, hand your pass in at reception, go and buy some silver body paint, and pretend to be a robot on the [[wikipedia:South_Bank|South Bank]]. Fly my pretties, fly! :''(Suddenly, Phil's cell phone rings.)'' :'''Phil:''' Stewart! Stewart, The Fucker's downstairs. :'''Stewart:''' No, no, no. He's not downstairs, but if he were, I'd know about it, and if I knew about it, I would have vetoed it. Okay? :'''Emma:''' He is, and he is complete poison. :'''Peter:''' Ah, The Fucker! ''(to Stewart)'' And you thought he was just a myth created to frighten naughty MPs into eating all their truffles and swan. :'''Stewart:''' Watch my lips. Cal Richards is not here. :''(But Cal Richards IS there...and he's headed their way.)'' :'''Stewart:''' Cal! :'''Cal Richards:''' Hello. :'''Stewart:''' Hi. :'''Cal:''' Hi, Stewart. :'''Stewart:''' Good to see you. I didn't know about this. JB didn't say anything. :'''Cal:''' Hello, everyone. I just wanted it to be a surprise. :''(Cal shakes hands with Peter, Phil and Emma while he's talking to Stewart.)'' :'''Stewart:''' Yeah, why are you...why are you here? :'''Cal:''' Well, mate, I just thought I'd check in with the intellectual powerhouse of the party. That's all. That's why I'm here. :'''Stewart:''' Right. Well, if you want to step in the office, yeah, I'll dismiss the children and we can talk. :'''Cal:''' No. 'Cause I'm kidding, aren't I? No, because I've come here to tell you that you're fucking sacked. :'''Peter:''' (thrilled) Halle-bloody-lujah! :''(A look of doom comes over Stewart's face...)'' :'''Phil:''' Should I escort Stewart from the building, then, Cal? :'''Emma:''' Philip, Don't be such a fucking turncoat. :'''Cal:''' Yes, Philip, excellent idea. And while you're there, could you do me another favour, please? Could you find a hostel, go there, and take a fucking overdose of barbiturates? :''(Emma chuckles at Cal's request.)'' :'''Stewart:''' Yeah, right. Okay, well, I'm not fired. You can't fire me, Cal, so shall we just cut to the chase? Hmm? :'''Cal:''' (pretending to talk like a baby) "Aw, you can't fire me, Cal, 'cause you're..." Gotcha! I'm kidding. Of course you're not fired. Look at your face. :'''Stewart:''' (smiling, but not amused) Funny. :'''Peter:''' I'm sensing a change in management styles here from touchy-feely to smashy-testes. :'''Cal:''' No, okay, joking aside, I'm just an impartial observer. Quite partial, obviously. So, uh, take it away, [[wikipedia:Captain Mainwaring|Captain Mainwaring]]. :'''Stewart:''' ''(to the crowd)'' All right, folks, listen up. We have three key targets when we are smart-bombing our beloved PM and they are: The deficit, unemployment, lack of leadership. Get onto the J drive, you'll find key... :''(And then suddenly -- Cal EXPLODES!)'' :'''Cal:''' ''FUCK, THAT IS BRILLIANT!!'' THAT IS INSPIRED! WHAT SAUCE! GET IN! [[wikipedia:It's_the_economy,_stupid|IT'S THE ''ECONOMY'', STEWPOT]]! Fuck, what I REALLY need to do is to shoot you all in the back of the head! ''(imitating a gun)'' FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! But I can't, because it's illegal! :''(Then, Cal calms back down again.)'' :'''Cal:''' Okay, I'd like a small cappuccino, two extra shots, please. I think we've got a long night ahead of us. ''(to Stewart)'' Come on! :'''Stewart:''' ''(to Cal)'' I'm coming. ''(to Peter)'' Better the devil you know, huh? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Terri''' ''(on the phone)'': I think we're just playing it in the wrong key. It's when we go, ''(sings at a low pitch)'' 'Red and yellow and blue' – :'''Nicola:''' What's she talking about? :'''Ollie:''' Oh. She's putting on her annual production of ''[[wikipedia:Joseph_and_the_Amazing_Technicolor_Dreamcoat|Joseph]]'', in Hemel Hempstead. She doesn't license it ever because she considers ''Joseph'' to be public domain. :'''Terri:''' But I need to just pitch it a little higher. More like, ''(sings at a much higher pitch)'' 'Red and yellow and blue and green' – :'''Glenn:''' She's directing it. And starring. :'''Ollie:''' As Jacob. :'''Nicola:''' With a beard? :'''Ollie:''' Well, one assumes with a beard. Maybe she'll just let herself go for a couple of weeks, see what happens. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm Tucker and Cal Richards are giving pre-election pep talks to their respective parties)'' :'''Malcolm:''' I know what people say to you, right? They say: 'We hate you. I hate you, I hate you, I hate you.' Everybody hates you. So fucking what? Some people, they just fucking love to hate. Some people, they'd fucking walk around the fucking Garden of Eden fucking moaning about the lack of fucking mobile reception. These are the kind of fucks who watched ''Mandela'' – fucking Nelson Mandela – walk to freedom, and said 'Is ''[[wikipedia:Diagnosis:_Murder|Diagnosis: Murder]]'' not on the other side?' So we fucking forget about them. :'''Cal:''' This government has run this country into the ground. This used to be a [[wikipedia:And_did_those_feet_in_ancient_time#"Green_and_pleasant_Land"|green and pleasant land]], now it's the colour of the fucking BBC Weather map. It looks like anaemic dogshit. :'''Malcolm:''' JB, Cal Richards, and their ''hordes'' of fucking robots, they're coming over the hill, towards us! And all you have got to do is this: bend down, pick up any fucking weapon you can, and ''twat'' the fuckery out of them – :'''Cal:''' This government is maimed, but it can't be shamed. It will. Be. FUCKED! :'''Malcolm:''' Let's get out there, and let's fucking kill them, LET'S SET FIRE TO TEARS! Let's go! ''(all applaud and cheer)'' Come on! Let's go, yes! :'''Cal:''' OK, let's get going. :'''Phil''' ''(to Emma)'': What do we do? :'''Cal:''' ''(on an office phone)'' What do I call for an outside line? :'''Emma:''' That was great, wasn't it? :'''Phil:''' What do we do? :'''Cal:''' Is it 9, 'cause that's what it is everywhere else? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cal:''' ''(to an anonymous Opposition member of staff)'' Stop saying "Abingdon" to me, I want a fucking chocolate biscuit!<hr width="50%" /> :'''Peter:''' Yeah, for the first time in a decade, I can feel the old dog twitching to life. :'''Phil''' ''(Chinese accent)'': 'So sorry me! This election give me an erection.' :'''Peter:''' The old dog I was referring to was me. <hr width="50%"/> :''(All DoSAC staff are leaving because of the election)'' :'''Terri:''' See you, Nicola! ''(to herself)'' Or not.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Ollie:''' Is this good, all this panic? I haven't seen ''[[Snakes on a Plane]]'', but I imagine this is pretty much how people would react on finding their plane was brimming with snakes. :'''Nicola:''' Except Malcolm is the snakes, isn't he? I mean, this is more ''Snakes Not on a Plane''.<hr width="50%" />''(deleted scene)'' :'''Malcolm''' ''(walking into Steve's office)'': Steve! Look! I've made an unexpected comeback. Like [[wikipedia:Noel_Edmonds|Noel Edmonds]] or secondary cancer. :'''Steve Fleming:''' Don't get any ideas, Malcolm. I can cut you loose any time I like; I can toss you aside like an unwanted [[wikipedia:Panettone|panettone]], which, I warn you, is ''most'' panettones.<hr width="50%" />''(deleted scene)'' :'''Cal Richards''' ''(giving his pre-election pep talk)'': Remember, this government is like going out with Madonna: at first you think, 'Result'; now we wake up every morning to see an increasingly crazed, craggy-faced egomaniac who jumps on every fucking passing bandwagon.<hr width="50%" />''(deleted scene)'' :'''Terri''' ''(leaving an answerphone message)'': If you have any political enquiries, at any time, 24 hours a day, Oliver Reeder and Glenn Cullen will take – :'''Ollie:''' 24 hours a day? Fuck off. No, we're political advisors, we're not fucking prostitutes. :'''Terri:''' Well, you've spoilt it now. ==Series 4, Episode 1== :''(At the start of this episode, Peter Mannion is headed to the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship -- DoSAC, for short. He is talking on his cell phone to his wife. Today's their wedding anniversary.)'' :'''Peter:''' No, of course I know it's our anniversary. What do you think the card was for? ''(Peter's wife said something to him.)'' I left it on the kitchen table. :''(Peter's wife may not have seen the card.)'' :'''Peter:''' Oh, right. My bad, as they say.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Terri:''' You're a very tidy man, aren't you? :'''Phil:''' 'There's no happiness without order.' It's a Nazi quote, but nonetheless stands the test of time.<hr width="50%" /> :''(We now find out that Peter has a partner at DoSAC in the "Coalition Government.")'' :'''Peter:''' ''(still on his cell phone with his wife.)'' Well, I can't leave before my Coalition partner. Fergus, I told you. (And now, poor Peter's cranky.) Well, I say partner. He's Lewis, I'm Morse. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Peter's partner at DoSAC is Junior MP Fergus Williams. Fergus and his advisor, Adam Kenyon, are proudly getting ready to launch a policy they created, called Silicon Playgrounds.)'' :'''Adam Kenyon:''' I hate to ask, but I've got to ask. Are you ready for today, Fergus? :'''Fergus Williams:''' Yeah. Somewhat. :'''Adam:''' Silicon Playgrounds are -- is -- go. :'''Fergus:''' I just hope Mannion can keep his baccy-stained fingers out of it. :'''Adam:''' Don't worry about Mannion. He's allergic to the 21st century. :'''Fergus:''' Yeah, he didn't like the 20th much and the 19th makes him fart papyrus. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Peter:''' ''(STILL on the phone with his wife...)'' Well, we could celebrate it another time. I mean, technically, and thrillingly, it'll be our anniversary all year! ''(Suddenly, Peter sees the rest of the team coming.)'' Oh, sorry darling, I've gotta go, I think the bailiffs are coming to take away my will to live.<hr width="50%" /> :''(Peter, Fergus, Adam, Phil and Terri join Emma and Stewart in the Meeting Room to discuss Silicon Playgrounds.)'' :'''Stewart:''' Okay, folks, today's headline in Copperplate Gothic Bold, font 72, is: Emma and I broke the fast this a.m. with the PM. :'''Emma:''' And it is a massive yes. So our Silicon Playground initiative is going to be the standard bearer for the Networked Nation. It is a double, double win. :'''Stewart:''' Yes, a double win for both babies of the Coalition, yeah? :'''Emma:''' Absolutely. :'''Stewart:''' (happily) It's "win squared!" :'''Peter:''' Terrific. Right, shall we do a Mexican wave round the table? :'''Fergus:''' From my P.O.V., re all this, big hurrah. We're ready to upload, i.e. let's launch the fucker. :'''Stewart:''' Great, I'm registering your energy, Fergus, but we've decided it's going to be launched by...the Secretary of State for Social Affairs and Citizenship. :''(Fergus and Adam are understandably upset about not being able to launch their policy...but Peter is actually a little MORE upset.)'' :'''Peter:''' (moaning) ''Ohhh...All my gallstones have come at once.'' :'''Fergus:''' Are you fucking serious? :'''Adam:''' What is wrong with you people? Peter can't even right-click a fucking mouse. :'''Phil:''' Well, he can, it's track pads he has a problem with. :'''Adam:''' ''(to Stewart)'' No. No, you come in here like Dr. Robotnik and say, "Oh, I'm sorry." We put in the graft on this. You can't just take it off us. :'''Stewart:''' Oh, I think we can. You see... :'''Emma:''' We can. :'''Stewart:''' You see, Coalition's like a band, guys, yeah, and every band has a frontman. [[Florence and the Machine|He's Florence and you're – well, you're The Machine.]] :''(Then, Glenn Cullen, who's supposed to be on Fergus and Adam's team, enters the meeting room.)'' :'''Glenn:''' ''(cracking a Superman joke)'' Hey! Sorry I'm late, guys. I was just changing in a phone booth. (chuckles to himself) :'''Terri:''' Was that a joke or... :'''Glenn:''' Yeah. No, I was on the phone. ''(to Fergus)'' Hey, Fergus, you look a bit A&E. Everything all right? :'''Fergus:''' No, er, Mannion is announcing Silicon Playgrounds on Stewart's orders. :'''Stewart:''' PM's orders. :'''Glenn:''' What? Hey, hey, hey, hey, hang on a moment. This is demarcation stuff. This is Fourth Sector, right? And I am the Fourth Sector guru. Yeah, I've been on Team Fergus on this, you know, me and the Inbetweeners. :'''Adam:''' The what? The what? Sorry? :'''Emma:''' You know that's what we call you. :'''Stewart:''' That's what they call you. :'''Glenn:''' WE did all the work on this. Us, we're a team, we did it. And now you're going to say we're going to play a new game, pass the parcel, and he gets to unwrap it? (pointing at Peter) I don't think so! This is bollocks, Stewart! :'''Terri:''' Oh, come on, calm down. :'''Glenn:''' Just a second. Bollocks. :'''Terri:''' Glenn, just leave it, leave it. :''(Glenn leaves the meeting room)'' :'''Emma:''' (talking about Glenn) He's seriously going to have a heart attack, look at him. :'''Stewart:''' God, will we cope now? Can we even carry on? :''(Quiet in the room again...)'' :'''Stewart:''' Oh, it doesn't seem to have changed anything. All right, the top line, folks, is this: It's about coalition, remember, yeah? :'''Fergus:''' ''(to Stewart)'' No, this is not about coalition. This is about you nicking our ideas and doing us up the Eurotunnel. :'''Phil:''' Come on. You're basically a couple of homeless guys we've invited to Christmas dinner. Don't bitch because we don't let you carve the turkey. :'''Peter:''' Let me just say it simply for you, Stewart: I don't understand the Networked Nation and the Silicon fucking Playground "gigabits," people watching television on telephones. For what it's worth, I think Fergus should carve this particular turkey. :'''Adam:''' There you go. :'''Stewart:''' Peter, Peter. The Networked Nation is about harnessing the interconnectivity of everyone in society. It's a new way of thinking. Innovation, self-investment, revenue flux, growth, ergo a healthy network. What's so complicated about that? :'''Peter:''' ''(bluntly)'' ''ALL'' the words you just used. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stewart:''' ''(at Peter's office door)'' Ah, Peter. I'm expecting great things! :'''Peter:''' Then you're an idiot. :'''Stewart:''' Laters, legislators. ''(leaves)'' :'''Peter''' ''(looking at Fergus's policy)'': The only way this policy launch could be worse is if I understood the bloody thing. :'''Glenn''' ''(walking in with a file which he dumps on Phil)'': Right, I'm gonna put the old tea-cauldron on! Anybody fancy a brew? :''(They all ignore him. During Emma's line, he gives up and leaves.)'' :'''Emma:''' Peter, risk of sounding like your mum: time for school. You need to get to this meeting. :'''Peter:''' I hate schoolchildren, they're volatile and stupid and they haven't got the vote. Might as well be talking to fucking geese. :'''Phil:''' Well, you know the school's only 10 minutes from your house. You could pop round for a late lunch. :'''Peter:''' Not much of a celebration. "Hello, darling, make me a Cup-a-Soup." Oh, now, I need a thoughtful, very personal present for Tina. Any ideas? :'''Phil:''' Erm, what about a sexy undergarment? :'''Peter:''' (disappointed in Phil's suggestion) No. :'''Emma:''' Perfume. What perfume does she wear? :'''Peter:''' No idea. Expensive, smells a bit of lemons. :'''Terri:''' Peter, before you go, I-I do really need a comment, I'm sorry, on this Tickel protest, please. :'''Peter:''' OK: 'As we enter the third week, I find Mr. Tickle's attention-seeking tent-based twattery even more annoying than weeks one and two.' :'''Terri:''' Can't actually say that. :'''Peter:''' Really? Oh then by implication you know what you can say, so say that instead. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Terri is being called to see Fergus and Adam in Fergus's office.)'' :'''Adam:''' Just to keep you up to speed, Terri, we are going to do a companion launch for Digital Playgrounds tonight at the learning centre at 7 o'clock, all right? :'''Fergus:''' And we just need you to pop a press pack in the Coverley microwave and let us know when you've pinged. :'''Terri:''' Yes, sorry. I don't think I'll be able to get that cleared before 6:00, so that's effectively tomorrow, isn't it? :'''Adam:''' Sorry, Terri, we don't need clearance. We're not covering a Beatles track, we're the fucking Government. :'''Terri:''' Yes, I'm sorry, but I do need to get that through Number 10 before I can do anything. :'''Fergus:''' Uh, was Terri actually in the meeting earlier, Adam? :'''Adam:''' Yeah, she was, Fergus. I know she was there because I heard her humming the theme tune to ''[[wikipedia:Call the Midwife|Call the Midwife]].'' :'''Terri:''' Yes, well, Stewart was very clear about this protocol. It's about the only thing he ever has been clear about. :'''Adam:''' The policy has been agreed. This is just an additional publicity push. :'''Terri:''' Adam, I'm sorry if you think I'm being obstructive, but I cannot -- and I ''will not'' -- do ask you ask. :'''Fergus:''' Well you can't stop me, Terri! OK? I want you to know, YOU CANNOT WIN, [[wikipedia:Nurse_Ratched|NURSE RATCHED]], because this is my moment! Now, you like musicals: well this is [[wikipedia:Tonight_(1956_song)|Tonight]] from West Side Story, yeah? And I'm going to bring the bloody house down, so you can't [[wikipedia:Don't_Rain_on_My_Parade|Rain on my Parade]], [[wikipedia:Funny_Girl_(musical)|Funny Girl]]. Why don't you go and have a lie-down and a [[wikipedia:Hobnob_biscuit|Hobnob]] while we run the fucking country, all right? :'''Terri:''' (unfazed) Anything else? :'''Adam:''' No, don't think so. :''(Fergus is perplexed, Adam is stunned, and Terri gets up to leave...)'' :'''Terri:''' ''(to Fergus)'' Thank you, minister. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Peter, Phil, and Emma are in the car to the policy launch)'' :'''Fergus:''' Does he understand the policy? Forgive my concern, but it's a bit like asking if a dog can grasp the concept of Norway. :'''Terri''' ''(on the phone to Emma)'': We have a question: does he understand the – Oh, she's hung up! Ever the charmless minor royal. :'''Peter:''' And I keep a straight face, do I, when I say to a room full of frogspawn, 'Upload your future'? :'''Emma:''' You know, that sounds great! No pronunciation traps. 'Cause you know what happened to the Chancellor, don't you, at the [[wikipedia:Brit_Awards|BRITs]]? [[wikipedia:Tinie_Tempah|'Tinny' Tempah]]? :'''Phil:''' Well, it could have been worse, I heard he opened his stag do speech with 'my niggaz'. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Peter is at the school making his speech...I Call App Britain!)'' :'''Peter:''' Why is it that Silicon Valley is in America when we have so many net-savvy tech-heads here? They may have the silicon chip, but we have the silicon ''chap''. And of course, chapesses. Er, and we want ''you'' to design game apps for use in the classroom. :'''Emma:''' Sorry, sorry to interrupt: erm, it's not game apps, we're actually looking for educational apps. :'''Peter:''' Er, of course. That's why I'm here to say: I call you up. App. I, I Call App Britain. Yes. And everyone will benefit, not financially, er, not cash in hand, of course: all profits will be stored as part of a digital dividend, which – :'''Raj:''' 'Scuse me, are you saying that if I wrote an app I wouldn't get any money for it? I would be working for free? :'''Peter:''' If you don't mind we'll keep the Q&A to the end. What I wanted to emphasise – :'''Charlotte:''' Sorry, er, why can't you just answer him now? :'''Teacher:''' Charlotte. :'''Charlotte:''' Well, the other lady was allowed to interrupt. :'''Peter:''' Yes, but she's ''my'' lady. ''(everyone laughs except Emma)'' Er, what was your question again? :'''Raj:''' Why won't we profit from this? :'''Peter:''' Oh, but you would! Er, maybe I didn't explain it properly. What's your name? :'''Raj:''' Rajesh. :'''Peter:''' I'm sorry? :'''Raj:''' Rajesh, Raj. :'''Peter:''' Well, er, Rajesh Raj – ''(the students laugh)'' Oh, right. ''(chuckles)'' Well, er, what I, what I wanted to say is that, that you ''would'', er, profit, that any profits you made would be offset against [[wikipedia:Tuition_fees_in_the_United_Kingdom|tuition fees]] – :'''Charlotte:''' Sorry, we don't believe in tuition fees. :'''Peter:''' Well, erm, what's your – :'''Charlotte:''' Charlotte. :'''Peter:''' Oh, well, that's an easier one. :'''Emma''' ''(to Phil)'': Fuck me, I feel like I've just been pushed out of a plane. :'''Raj:''' I make apps. I sell them through Apple and I get paid for it. :'''Peter:''' Good for you, Ra– er, good for you, but with ''us'', you let us license it as part of the Networked Nation policy. We all put in, you see – :'''Raj:''' What do you put into the Networked Nation? :'''Peter:''' Well, er, I am – a Minister. :'''Raj:''' But what do you actually do? :'''Peter:''' I take the, the – science that, that you made earlier, and I – ''apply'' it, in – scenarios that are – cost-effective. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Peter:''' Well at least I got 'I Call App Britain' right. :'''Phil:''' Thankfully with only a modicum of the contempt you used just now. :'''Emma:''' 'Hooray, you got the title right! Let's get the driver to do some victory doughnuts.' You're gonna have to issue an apology, you know. :'''Peter:''' I'm not going back there and saying, 'Oh, that moment when I mistook an abbreviation of your name for your surname: sorry.' I'll look completely mental. :'''Phil:''' You can't apologise for a fart you did a day ago. :'''Emma:''' No, you're gonna have to apologise for the follow-up as well. 'Charlotte, that's an easier name.' :'''Peter:''' ''But it is!'' That's a fact, not a judgement!<hr width="50%" /> :''(And now, Peter finds himself being confronted by a big crowd of reporters and journalists -- outside his own home!)'' :'''Female Reporter #1:''' Minister, why are you at home in the middle of a working day? :'''Peter:''' Um, it's-it's my 30th anniversary and I popped home for lunch after the Silicon Playgrounds launch, which is literally around the corner, and I'll be staying late to make up for it. :'''Female Reporter #1:''' Are you turning schools into teenage sweatshops? :'''Peter:''' I-I'm sorry if this is proving a complex idea. Pupils will receive a digital dividend towards their higher education fees. :'''Female Reporter #2:''' The dividend is optional, though, you can get cash instead? :'''Peter:''' No, you can't, I'm sorry... :'''Female Reporter #2:''' You can according to your Junior Minister. :'''Peter:''' I see. :'''Male Reporter:''' Minister, do you think you came across this morning as a "fibre-optic Fagan?" :'''Peter:''' That's a ridiculous phrase. :'''Male Reporter:''' Well, that, again, is a quote from your Junior Minister. :''(Peter's socially embarrassing predicament continues...)'' :'''Female Reporter #1:''' Minister, is, um, that a bottle of champagne? :'''Male Reporter:''' Drinking on the job, minister? :'''Peter:''' It's a half bottle. Um, as I said, it is my anniversary and I have just recycled it. Er, thank you. Bye. :''(Peter gets into his car.)'' :'''Peter:''' ''(to his driver)'' Run those fuckers over. Fifty quid for every one you maim. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Peter''' ''(shouting at Fergus on his return to DoSAC)'': Thanks a fucking bunch, mate! I couldn't have looked more of a twat, unless I'd announced it dressed as a mermaid with scallops on my tits! :'''Fergus:''' Look, I'm angry, too, Peter. I spent a lot of time on that policy that you just raped in a ditch. :'''Peter:''' Well, it was your stupid idea in the first place. :'''Fergus:''' What are your ideas, Peter? Come on, we'd all love to hear them! A public information film on the best wine to have with fish? A butler on every street corner? :'''Peter:''' This is a long game, Fergus. And I've been around a lot longer than you, Fergus, and I'll still be here when they rip your name off your door and turn your office back into something useful, like a spare toilet! :''(Stewart, from out of nowhere, enters the fight.)'' :'''Stewart:''' BOTH OF YOU DESIST! You have caused me to raise my voice and I do not like it. I reserve this level of anger for when I'm flying Ryanair. Peter's Palace! NOW! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stewart:''' ''(to Peter)'' Drinking champagne in the middle of the day during a recession. Who do you think you are, [[wikipedia:Sean_Combs|P. Diddy]]? :'''Peter:''' It was a half-bottle, on my thirtieth anniversary, ''and'' I was recycling it; at least give me credit for that! :'''Stewart:''' Oh right, no, sorry Peter, yeah, I take it all back. About as strong a defence as 'the fertiliser in my homemade bomb was organic.' What have you got planned for this evening, dancing girls on a yacht? :'''Peter:''' Garage, car, hosepipe. :'''Stewart:''' Oh, good, the anniversary present your wife's been dreaming of. ''(to Fergus)'' And Fergus, what about you? :'''Fergus:''' Well, I'm launching Silicon Playgrounds, properly this time, tonight at a learning centre. :'''Stewart:''' Yeah, something you didn't clear through me. According to Terri Coverley, you announced this before Peter took his daily "gaffe dump." What was the word I used this morning? :'''Peter:''' Oh, you used a lot of words this morning, it was like a fucking [[Will Self]] lecture. :'''Stewart:''' What was the word I used? :'''Fergus:''' Coalition? :'''Stewart:''' BOOM! So you ''will'' go to the learning centre where you will re-explain Silicon Playgrounds ''with Peter'', who will make an abject grovelling apology for being both a digi-tard and an elderly racist! :'''Fergus:''' So first you take the policy away from me for Peter to screw up, then you take ''salvaging'' the policy away from me for Peter to screw up! Good, yeah, that's just great! :'''Peter:''' I'm bored of this! I'm going for a Twix! ''(leaves)'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Peter''' ''(storming out of his office)'': She's NOT on the FUCKING ''LIST!'' ''(enters Fergus's office)'' Will you please tell me why Terri Coverley is not on this list? :'''Fergus:''' Sorry Peter, she's too expensive to get rid of. :'''Peter:''' Oh Christ, Fergus, we both know she's a fart in a frock and I want her wafted out of here. :'''Fergus''' ''(smiling)'': My hands are tied. :'''Peter:''' Fuck you! You're not getting in MY car tonight! ''(leaves)'' :'''Glenn:''' What a very principled stand you're taking. :'''Fergus:''' Yep, but did you see how stressed Mannion was there? Soon he'll be so weak and disorientated he'll stagger off in the night like a tramp who's stood up too quickly. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Peter''' ''(on the phone with his wife)'': No, I don't think today is our entire marriage in a nutshell. Well, we had champagne, and your sister wasn't there.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Phil''' ''(to Adam)'': You're getting a coffwee: coffee with wee in it. <hr width="50%"/> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Peter''' ''(on the phone to his wife)'': Champagne looks bad, PR-wise. I might as well be seen urinating through the letterbox of a closed-down library.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Terri:''' Right, I'd better get on. Sometimes I think I never stop working. :'''Phil:''' You leave at 5:40! :'''Terri:''' One last thing. :'''Phil:''' Yes, [[Columbo]]? :'''Terri:''' The staff cuts. What do you know? :'''Phil:''' Ah, I see, that's what this whole chat's been about, has it, mental pickpocketing? :'''Terri:''' You see, you don't need to tell me: I'll just list off a few names. You do that girly flicky thing with your hair, OK? :'''Phil:''' Bye, Terri. :'''Terri:''' Was that it, was that code? Am I going? :'''Phil:''' No, I'm telling you to fuck off.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Raj:''' What do you actually do? :''(quiet laughter from the students)'' :'''Peter:''' I am the, er, Secretary of State for Social Affairs a-and Citizenship. :'''Phil:''' It's a bit like being the Lord Commander of the [[wikipedia:List_of_A_Song_of_Ice_and_Fire_characters#Night's_Watch_and_wildlings|Night's Watch]]? Er, you watch Game of Thrones, yeah? :'''Raj:''' This is bullshit! :''(the students laugh)'' :'''Teacher:''' Hey, quiet now – quiet! Raj, that language is unacceptable, OK? :'''Peter:''' I'll say, you – you wouldn't use that kind of language in front of your extended family. :'''Students''' ''(shocked)'': Oh! :'''Emma:''' Oh my good God, I cannot believe childbirth is more painful than this.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Adam:''' We have to distance ourself from this ''now''. :'''Fergus:''' Right, OK, I'll call Terri and get her up to speed. :'''Adam:''' Terri is never up to speed. She's stuck in neutral in a fucking rainy car park listening to [[wikipedia:Ken_Bruce|Ken Bruce]]. :'''Glenn''' ''(on his phone)'': Who told you I was the guru? Terri Coverley, right, thank you. Well, I am the guru of the policy, but I'm not the guru of the colossal gang of [[wikipedia:Henry_(vacuum)|Henrys]] who tried to explain it just now.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Peter''' ''(to Raj)'': Yes, well, for you, App-ortunity Knocks. :'''Fergus''' ''(to Raj, quietly)'': It's [[wikipedia:Opportunity_Knocks_(UK_TV_series)|a show]], it's like [[wikipedia:Britain's_Got_Talent|Britain's Got Talent]], from his era. ==Series 4, Episode 2== :'''Ollie:''' Right, sorry to interrupt you at this very sad time, but we do have [[wikipedia:Prime_Minister's_Questions|Prime Minister's Questions]] in ''one hour''. :'''Nicola:''' No it's fine, I've got the lead question, I've got the follow-up sarcastic question and I've got the withering put-down, so I'm prepped, I'm fucking prepped. :'''Ollie:''' Yep. You'll walk rings round him.<hr width="50%" />'''Ben:''' The Leader of the Opposition is in that room, Malcolm, practising ''walking''. I mean, baby horses can walk from the womb, she's one-nil down to a pony. :'''Malcolm:''' A pony isn't a baby horse, it's a foal, a fucking foal is a baby horse. :'''Ben:''' Right, our guest tonight on 'I Don't Give a Fuck about Baby Horses' is me. But we need to do something about Nicola, Malcolm, I mean, you know about her plan – I mean, Nicola with a plan, that's like a toddler with a harpoon, there's a toddler wandering around in that office with a harpoon. :'''Malcolm:''' Yes, well, don't you worry about Nicola's plan. I'll deal with that, Sweaty Betty – Listen, when you wake up in the morning you've got a routine, haven't you? :'''Ben:''' Big shit, granola, check the email, shower and a shave, [[wikipedia:Nespresso|Nespresso]], sometimes a second shit. :'''Malcolm:''' Exactly. You have a plan: that's good. Nicola has a plan: that's not good. But I have a plan: that's fucking great.<hr width="50%" />'''Malcolm''' ''(seeing Nicola bend down in front of the photocopier)'': Oh, that's very moving: '[[wikipedia:Ode_of_Remembrance|They shall not grow old]], who photocopy their arses at the Christmas do'.<hr width="50%" /> :''(Nicola and her advisers, Ollie Reeder & Helen Hatley, are brainstorming ideas for a buzzword for do-gooder members of the public.)'' :'''Ollie:''' They're commuters, they are the street-pounders, street – walkers, um – :'''Nicola:''' You can't call them streetwalkers. :'''Ollie:''' They're the people who deal with the little stuff, erm – [[wikipedia:The_Wombles|Wombles]], Honest Wombles, Everyday Wombles? :'''Malcolm:''' Sorry, I've just got to take a call. :'''Nicola:''' Erm, straights. :'''Ollie:''' No! :'''Nicola:''' No. No, of course, sorry. :'''Helen Hatley:''' Commuting champions. :'''Nicola:''' Interrai– human [[wikipedia:Interrail|interrailers]] – :'''Ollie:''' Human interrailers? That's interrailers. Er, everyday superstars, all British supremes – :'''Malcolm:''' That sounds like a racist tribute band. :'''Nicola:''' Ordinary people, with something special about them, with a special power. :'''Ollie:''' Please don't say special. Don't say special. :'''Nicola:''' No but – you know, but like sup– people as superheroes. :'''Ollie:''' Ironpeople, Spiderpeople. Wolfpeople. :'''Nicola:''' They're just regular citizens, but they have this – that one special quality that makes them like Batman, or Batpeople. Erm, ''Quiet'' Batpeople. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(glaring)'' Quiet Batpeople? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' She's going to have to fall on her sword, which means that we are gonna have to stick one in the ground, trip her up onto it and get somebody to jump up and down on her back for ten minutes. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' Reshuffle: don’t send Ben to the back-benches, he’ll just wank and eat Pringles, leather seats are an invitation to men like him. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nicola:''' Before we finish, I just want to throw one more pebble into the thought pool. :'''Ben:''' Ploop. :'''Nicola:''' Sorry Ben, I missed that? :'''Ben:''' Just I'm sorry, I just, I said 'ploop', it's just the noise of a pebble.<hr width="50%" /> :''(A photographer has managed to take a picture of Helen's 'Quiet Batpeople' notes)'' :'''Nicola:''' "Quiet Batpeople" on every fucking paper! :'''Malcolm:''' Right, this is a wake-up call. And by the way, Helen, the next time you want to make Nicola look like a clown with her fucking hair on fire in a Zumba class, why don't you just take your notes down to [[wikipedia:Snappy_Snaps|Snappy Snaps]] and get them blown up to gigantic charity cheque size, so the partially sighted can be in on the fucking gag? :'''Helen:''' I didn't know they'd be able to see it! :'''Malcolm:''' So we have to seize the agenda. We have to deflect attention away from all this. It's now time to embrace our friend Mr. Tickle. :'''Nicola:''' I can't even say his name without smiling. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, well, ''he's'' not smiling, is he? He's living in a tent, 'cause his key-worker housing's been sold off. :'''Malcolm:''' Yes, and he's a 24-carat fucking nutcase. Which means that Peter Mannion has been picking on a man with a history of depression. That's a way right into the Principality of Pricks right there. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' It's time for you to step up, Ollie. What's that film that you love? :'''Ollie:''' What film? :'''Malcolm:''' The one about the fucking hairdresser, the [[wikipedia:Luke_Skywalker|space hairdresser]] and the [[wikipedia:Han_Solo|cowboy]]. The guy, he's got a [[wikipedia:C-3PO|tin foil pal]] and a [[wikipedia:R2-D2|pedal bin]]. [[wikipedia:Darth_Vader|His father]]'s a robot and he's fucking fucked [[wikipedia:Princess_Leia|his sister]]. Lego! They're all made of fucking Lego. :'''Ollie:''' Star Wars? :'''Malcolm:''' That's the one, right. It's like that, okay? Where you fucking kill all the bad guys, and you'll be able to blow up the big – :'''Ollie:''' Death Star. :'''Malcolm:''' The Death Star thing. Then you can go and live happily ever after on the planet of the teddy bears. :'''Ollie:''' They're Ewoks, they're Ewoks. It's a fantastic analogy, well done. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ben:''' Malcolm, could I have a couple of words please? :'''Malcolm:''' Political lightweight? Making up the numbers? Sorry that's four isn't it? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dan:''' So, your loyalty to Nicola is – :'''Malcolm:''' Unwavering. Right up to the point that – :'''Dan:''' Someone challenges her? :'''Malcolm:''' Not necessary: she's going to kick her own head in, which will be easy for her because she does yoga. No, we just need somebody to hold her jacket while she commits political hara-kiri, and sweep in unopposed, being careful not to tread in the mess. :'''Dan:''' So you think – I should challenge her? :'''Malcolm:''' What the fuck is this, Tinker Tailor Soldier Cunt? Do you, or do you not, want to be the next leader of this party? :'''Dan:''' Yes. :'''Malcolm:''' Right, well, she needs to fuck off in eight months, so it looks like we're giving her a chance. I will teach you the way of tears and love, my friend; now, let's get out of this fucking cupboard before Ben Swain comes in for his lunchtime wank. <hr width="50%" /> :'''Malcolm''' ''(putting his glasses on to read Ollie's phone)'': What is this tiny font? Is it to match your subatomic thoughts? <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm and Ben, and separately Ollie and Helen, are watching Nicola at the [[wikipedia:Remembrance_Sunday#National_ceremony_in_the_United_Kingdom|Remembrance Sunday ceremony]] on TV)'' :'''Malcolm:''' You're right, she can't fucking walk. :'''Ben:''' I mean, should we get a pony to challenge her? :'''Malcolm:''' It's not a fucking pony, it's a fucking foal. :'''Ben:''' Sorry. :'''Helen:''' I don't understand how you can get that wrong. :'''Ollie:''' It's this: ''(demonstrates)'' de-de-clunk! :'''Helen:''' She is officially a [[wikipedia:The_Cenotaph,_Whitehall|Ceno]]-twat. :'''Ollie:''' Fabulous work, sister. Bury her in a grave. [[wikipedia:The_Unknown_Warrior|The Unknown Leader]]. :'''Helen:''' I can't watch: I feel a bit sick. :'''Ollie:''' I just hope there is no afterlife, because if people fought and died for this, it is going to seem even more ridiculously futile. :'''Ben''' ''(to Malcolm)'': Why d'you know so much about horses, anyway? I thought you were raised by wolves.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :''(during the Quiet Batpeople brainstorming)'' :'''Ollie:''' Wombles, Honest Wombles, Everyday Wombles? :'''Helen:''' Right, OK, obviously, you know, we're not gonna block anything 'cause this is a think-thoughting session, erm – :'''Malcolm:''' Sorry, I've just got to take a call. :'''Ollie:''' Think-thoughting, Helen, is what we call, in the real world, thinking. It's the same. Am I say-speaking out of turn? Have I not understood-comprehended you? :'''Helen:''' I don't know, I tuned you out a bit.<hr width="50%" />''(deleted scene)'' :'''Ollie:''' Hiya, I thought you were bollocking Dan Miller. :'''Malcolm:''' Oh, I am. ''(to the empty chair next to him)'' Look at you! You bourgeois, fucking side-parted twat, you flap that bammed-up nutcrease of yours again, and I will fuck you so deep, that if you're not drowned in the blizzard of jizz, your rectum will become the biggest fucking indoor venue in fucking Europe. :'''Ollie:''' Are you OK? :'''Malcolm:''' Sit down.<hr width="50%" />''(deleted scene)'' :'''Malcolm''' ''(to Ollie)'': This is [[wikipedia:Infinite_monkey_theorem|monkey typewriter]] stuff. There's not even a fucking infinite amount of monkeys with an infinite amount of time with an infinite amount of typewriters that'll produce the words, 'Nicola Murray, PM'.<hr width="50%" />''(deleted scene)'' :'''Ben:''' How do you know so much about horses, anyway? I thought you were raised by wolves. :'''Malcolm:''' I don't know anything about horses, apart from that a grown-up one's a fucking horse and a baby one's a foal. And why are you eating my biscuits? :'''Ben:''' I don't know, I found them on here. There's one left. :'''Malcolm:''' They are big wreaths. :'''Ben:''' It's like a toilet seat, isn't it? I mean, it's not, it's lovely. :'''Malcolm:''' What size of a wreath would you need for a nuclear war? :'''Ben:''' There wouldn't be anyone left to put it on the Cenotaph, would there? It'd be carried along by cockroaches or whatever it is they say'll survive. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. ==Series 4, Episode 3== :''(Peter, Emma and Stewart are in the car, on the way to Thought Camp...and ALL 3 of them are on their cell phones. Stewart is talking to a Minister, Emma is talking to Phil, and Peter is talking to his wife. )'' :'''Peter:''' I was picked up at seven, of course I haven't walked the dog. I barely had time to take myself for a shit. :'''Emma:''' Phil, I'm sure you're suffering from "Peter Withdrawal" symptoms, but I really, really need you to keep an eye of the Ticket issue. :'''Stewart:''' Thought Camp ETA 13 minutes, okay? You're taking the bridge, Kieran. :'''Emma:''' Okay, well, you can start by not referring to him as Gyppo. ''Or'' Gypsy, Phil. It's not, it's not the abbreviation that's the problem. :'''Peter:''' If he has a thorn in his paw, it must be from when you took him for a walk yesterday. :'''Emma:''' What do you mean, "You're in charge?" You are not in fucking charge, you doughnut! :'''Stewart:''' Of course you're gonna keep me informed, I want the full crunch on all the feeds, as usual. Everything below the equator. :'''Peter:''' Take him to the dog hospital. (Peter's wife thinks he's being sarcastic.) No, I'm not being sarcastic! There is one! :'''Emma:''' Try and keep an eye on things, all right? :'''Peter:''' The number will be in the folder. The folder. What? (Peter sighs as he realizes he has lost the connection.) :''(Now, all 3 members of Team Mannion are off their cell phones.)'' :'''Peter:''' Where are you taking us, Stewart? This Mind Kampf is in the middle of nowhere. :'''Stewart:''' Thought Camp, Peter, and isolation is the mother of renewal. We shall retreat to go forwards. :'''Emma:''' Terrible signal! Phil sounded like he was phoning in a report on an African coup. :'''Stewart:''' Why's he even gone in today? :'''Peter:''' I put him on Tickel oversight. :'''Stewart:''' Oh, the eviction. :'''Peter:''' Well, cutting the guy ropes on his tent is hardly the Siege of Troy. :'''Emma:''' Bailiffs thought it would be easier today, quicker or quieter. :'''Stewart:''' Yeah, but I want Phil sealed off, right? He makes no statement today, not even off the record. :'''Peter:''' He wanted to feel useful. :'''Stewart:''' Then he should sell his organs. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Glenn and Phil are alone in the DoSAC building.)'' :'''Glenn:''' Yeah, well, we've got the whole palace to ourselves, eh? [[wikipedia:Rosencrantz_and_Guildenstern|Rosencrantz and Guildenstern]]! :'''Phil:''' Yeah, but [[wikipedia:Rosencrantz_and_Guildenstern_Are_Dead|very much alive]]. Well, one of us.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Stewart''' ''(to party staff arriving at Thought Camp)'': OK people, abandon phones, all ye who enter here. And watches too: time is a leash on the dog of ideas.<hr width="50%" />'''Stewart:''' OK lovely people, let's go truffling in the forest of knowledge. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stewart:''' OK people, I'd like to start this session with a question: when is a party not a party? :'''Peter:''' When it's at your house? :''(quiet laughter)'' :'''Emma''' ''(quietly, annoyed)'': Peter! :'''Stewart:''' A party is not a party when it is plural. ''(brings up a slide of a woman on her phone in a crowd)'' There she is, the party, singular: she thinks like you, she votes like you, she is ''not'' you, and yet of course, she ''is'' you. :'''Peter''' ''(to himself, sighing)'': I feel like I've joined the Scientologists. :'''Stewart:''' Some of these people want a federal Britain, others don't. And as long as we continue to do nothing, we can call that "consensus." :'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' Why am I the only senior minister here? Is JB punishing me? :'''Emma:''' Look, Mary Drake's here, Home Office. :''(Peter and Emma nod hello to Mary.)'' :'''Emma:''' ''(to Peter)'' And yes, JB is punishing you. :'''Stewart:''' OK, let's [[wikipedia:Michael_McIntyre|McIntyre]] this: stand up. Let's find out, in fact, chairs to the side, please. :'''Peter:''' Great, vague prancing about. :'''Mary Drake:''' Isn't that one of the fundamental principles of democracy? :'''Stewart:''' ''(to Peter)'' Oh, I'm sorry, Peter, you want to share your thoughts? :'''Peter:''' Hmm? No, we just hoped we were going to do some dancing, er, Stewart. What, Merce Cunningham, something like that? :'''Stewart:''' Okay, maybe later you can share it with us. But first of all, let me share something with you. How about this, Silicon Playgrounds, yeah? What caused this slow-motion pile up? Shall we sit down and chew over "hash-tag epic fail?" Or shall we try and get some solutions on their feet? That's it, just put it at the side, Peter. <hr width="50%" /> :''(Glenn is bringing a tray of coffee and biscuits into Fergus's office.)'' :'''Adam:''' Glenn, you're a marvel, you know, you're like a modern-day [[wikipedia:Jeeves|Jeeves]]. Only not modern. Day. You're like Jeeves, but only not as good. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Fergus is bringing Tara Strachan, a strikingly beautiful economist, to DoSAC HQ.)'' :'''Fergus:''' ''(to Tara)'' Here we are, at the Coalface. ''(to Adam)'' Ah. Adam, this is Tara Strachan. :'''Adam:''' ''(to Tara)'' Hello, lovely to meet you. :'''Tara Strachan:''' Hi there. :'''Adam:''' Really lovely, lovely. :'''Fergus:''' Shall we, er...She's an economist... :'''Adam:''' Real pleasure, actually. :'''Fergus:''' ...and a lady. :'''Adam:''' Yes, obviously. Lovely. :''(Fergus and Adam are quite happy to see Tara. Phil, on the other hand, is a little confused.)'' :'''Phil:''' What's going on? Who's the skirt? :'''Adam:''' Oh, I'd love to bring you up to speed, Phil. I really would, but I'm not gonna live long enough. So tell you what, why don't you go and help Glenn watch his telly? I think the dancing's on in a minute. :'''Fergus:''' ''(to Tara)'' I really like your coat, by the way. :'''Tara:''' (quite flattered) Thank you. Thank you. :'''Fergus:''' It's like a leopard. :'''Tara:''' It is a little bit. :'''Fergus:''' Or a cheetah. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Tara is sharing her idea for micro banking with Fergus and Adam.)'' :'''Tara:''' The beauty of this model... :'''Fergus:''' Yeah. :'''Tara:''' ...um, is that micro banking can happen anywhere, okay? :'''Fergus:''' Great. :'''Tara:''' Small, low-interest loans, that's the way forward. :'''Adam:''' This is terrific. I mean, it's so fucking us, it's brilliant. :'''Fergus:''' (trying to calm Adam down) Adam, Adam. :'''Adam:''' Ah. :'''Tara:''' Oh, don't worry, I don't mind swearing. Shows passion. I've done some community enterprise case studies. Sisters who want to set up a pop-up baker's in a disused travel agents, the boiler guy who wants to take on an apprentice. :'''Adam:''' Yeah. :'''Fergus:''' The helping hand for hands-on people. :'''Tara:''' Yeah. :'''Adam:''' I like that, that's great. That's really good. :'''Fergus:''' Making sure the can-doers don't get canned. :'''Adam:''' Terrific. Yeah, really good. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Meanwhile, at Thought Camp, Peter is playing a "mind game." He has a Post-It note stuck to his head with a political issue written on it, and he has to guess what it is. He needs Mary Drake's help.)'' :'''Peter:''' Would I be comfortable or uncomfortable... :'''Stewart:''' Yes or no questions only, please, Peter. :'''Peter:''' Would I be uncomfortable talking to Andrew Marr about this concept on the television? :'''Mary:''' Yes. :'''Peter:''' Am I Diversity? :'''Mary:''' No. :'''Stewart:''' You're out of questions, Peter. :''(Peter finally takes the Post-It note off his head -- and then gets REALLY upset.)'' :'''Peter:''' Oh, for fuck's sake! Inclusivity's practically the same as Diversity! :'''Mary:''' ''(chuckles)'' No it's not. :'''Stewart:''' No it isn't, Peter. :'''Peter:''' I could be at home watching the snooker with a bottle of unpronounceable scotch. Can I sit down now? ''(Peter sits down)'' I'm sitting down, I don't care. :'''Stewart:''' Actually, we can all sit down now. Thanks, Peter. Um, so take a chair 'cause Emma's going to co-steer module four with me. We're gonna do a kind of Top Trumps stats check on the PM's future enemies, yeah? Strengths, weaknesses, blocking moves and take-downs. Em. :'''Emma:''' Great. Thank you, Stewart. :'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' You've turned into the wrong Mitford sister. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Meanwhile, back at DoSAC HQ, the Banking Brainstorm continues...)'' :'''Tara:''' Basically, we'd set up a network of microcredit lenders at neighborhood level. :'''Adam:''' This is great. So what would it be called? Like the Citizen's Bank, or... :'''Fergus:''' The People's Bank? :'''Tara:''' Um, Community... :'''Fergus:''' The Credit Fund? ''(correcting himself)'' No, no, credit's a bad word. :'''Adam:''' Negative. Something, something with "Advance..." :'''Fergus:''' The We Bank? :'''Tara:''' The We Bank. :'''Adam:''' I like that. :'''Fergus:''' Although it does sound a bit like a...sperm bank. But for wee. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Glenn is reporting the latest Tickel Watch news to Phil.)'' :'''Glenn:''' There's a bit of a farce going on here with your Mr. Tickle. They've turned up to evict him and he's not there. :'''Phil:''' Good. Self-evicted. Gone. Problem solved. Anyway, what's going on with Fergus and Adam and the "Sexy Stranger?" She's some kind of economist, apparently. :'''Glenn:''' Oh, don't be ridiculous, she's far too attractive. :'''Phil:''' You can get sexy economists. What about Stephanie Flanders on ''Newsnight?'' :'''Glenn:''' Yeah, that's true. I quite like Emily Maitlis. :'''Phil:''' Really? Well, I'm sure she'd love a grey pounding. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tara:''' Do you want to have an "ideagasm?" :'''Adam:''' ''(very much turned on)'' Yes, please. :'''Tara:''' Ask me how we'd initially fund this. :'''Fergus & Adam:''' How would we initially fund this? :'''Tara:''' A one-off Robin Hood tax. Steal from the fat cats, raise enough seed capital for hundreds of start-up funds for fledgling businesses. :'''Adam:''' You know what? This could work really well for us. This, this is, yeah. :'''Tara:''' Yeah? :'''Adam:''' I mean, let's just talk, uh, figures. What sort of start-up capital are we talking here? :'''Tara:''' Not very much. I think we're looking at about £2 billion. :'''Fergus:''' £2 billion? :'''Tara:''' £2 billion. :'''Fergus:''' Good. Well, um...I mean, obviously, I'd have to ring the Treasury. :'''Tara:''' Sure. :'''Fergus:''' And twist a few arms. You know, it'll take a couple of weeks to work up, but we are extremely keen to set that process in motion. :''(Stewart and his team are discussing potential new Leaders of the Opposition at Thought Camp.)'' :'''Stewart:''' OK, let's architecturalise this, yeah? :'''Peter:''' Oh, don't bother. If it's Ben Swain, we all shout ''Sweaty Swain'' as he dehydrates himself through PMQs. Holhurst looks like a shepherd dressed up to meet the Queen, and if it's Dan Miller we're fucked.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Tara:''' I should tell you I do also have a meeting with Dan Miller booked in. :'''Adam:''' ''(suddenly concerned)'' What? I would just knock that right on the head. Don't -- don't do it. :'''Fergus:''' Well... ''(awkward laughter from all 3 people)'' He's in opposition. We rule. :'''Adam:''' We're the rulers, we're the governors. :'''Fergus:''' And, you know, in the end...this is so fucking us. :'''Adam:''' Fuck yeah! :'''Fergus:''' Yeah. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Phil's looking up Tara Strachan's bio on his cell phone.)'' :'''Phil:''' Here, uh, "Tara Strachan, LSE, Harvard, author of ''Strapped: Why We're in Debt to Each Other,'' ''Small is Bountiful,'' Expert in micro-financing and community credit guilds." God, that sounds dreary. :'''Glenn:''' Bloody hell, that's all Fourth Sector stuff! I mean, why have they kept me out here like a stray dog? :'''Phil:''' And why are they keeping Mannion out of it? This is-this is government business! :''(Phil suddenly realizes that Adam and Fergus are working on a policy behind Peter's back. Phil runs to Fergus's office.)'' :'''Phil:''' Right, that's enough. Stop, stop, stop! I demand an explanation. :'''Adam:''' Sorry, Phil, we're busy. Maybe come back in, I don't know, 2017? :'''Phil:''' As Peter's representative, it's as though you lied to him. That's not good, probably illegal. :'''Adam:''' If you want to see something probably illegal, pass me that fucking stapler over there! :'''Tara:''' Er, listen, is there a problem with me being here? :'''Fergus:''' Not at all. :'''Phil:''' Yes, you're not supposed to be here, the minister is unaware that you're here, so I'm gonna have to ask you to leave. :'''Adam:''' Oh right, so she's a security risk? Oh no no no! I'd forgotten: you're not allowed within 50 feet of most women. :'''Phil:''' How do you explain this, then? ''(waves his arm in and out of Adam's personal space)'' I'm within 50 feet of you. Hahaha. ''You're'' a woman. :'''Adam:''' Oh, brilliant. That is really good. :''(They stop bickering when they hear Glenn)'' :'''Glenn''': ''(offscreen)'' FUCK! TICKLE'S DEAD! :'''Phil:''' Oh shit...! :'''Adam:''' Jesus...! :''(Phil, Fergus and Adam run to the TV, where Glenn is watching [[wikipedia:BBC_News_(TV_channel)|BBC News]])'' :'''Glenn:''' Oh God, he's killed himself, suicide. He used a car exhaust. :'''Phil:''' Hey, classic: the Bohemian Rhapsody of suicide. :'''Glenn:''' Oh, Phil, for fuck's sake! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Adam doesn't like the way that Phil is handling the latest DoSAC crisis -- to say the least.)'' :'''Adam:''' It's like there's a little twelve-year-old boy, in a suit, with a fucking light saber in his desk - don't think I don't know it's there - running this department when Mannion's away... :'''Phil:''' Yeah, so what? :'''Adam:''' It's a fucking joke! :'''Phil:''' No it's not! No it's not! Have you ever seen ''Game of Thrones'' Season 2? :'''Adam:''' No! :'''Phil:''' Or Anakin Skywalker, he was young. Frodo, in his thirties, still young for a hobbit. You know, I'm in charge, because I'm a Jedi and you're a fucking Ewok! :'''Glenn:''' Right. What is the Ewok position on this, then? <hr width="50%"/> :''(Fergus, Adam, Glenn and Phil are trying to get a handle on the news of Mr. Tickel's suicide.)'' :'''Phil:''' The line from Stewart via Emma was that I do nothing. That was the one clear instruction they gave me, okay? We ignore him and he goes away. :'''Fergus:''' He is dead. :'''Phil:''' Which makes him easier to ignore. :'''Fergus:''' As a minister, I should at least express condolences. :'''Phil:''' ''(stammering)'' That-that-that should come from Peter. :'''Fergus:''' But he's not here. I am. :''(Terri enters the room.)'' :'''Terri:''' Has anyone seen my Bluetooth headset? :'''Phil:''' Look, I speak for Peter and I say that we look guilty if we say we're sorry he died. :'''Terri:''' I'll take that as a no. :'''Adam:''' Listen, Phil. I was a journalist, okay? Now if you don't respond, you create a vacuum that sucks in speculation, and then you can't respond. You get sucked fucking inside-out! :'''Phil:''' Look, Tickle wasn't the Queen of People's Hearts, he was a twat in a tent. :'''Glenn:''' TICK-EL! HE WAS CALLED TICK-EL! WE DROVE A MAN TO HIS DEATH! WE ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Fergus and Adam FINALLY come back to see Tara to tell her the good news about launching the bank.)'' :'''Fergus:''' Great stuff, Tara. We're gonna go ahead with the bank. :'''Adam:''' Yeah, meeting's over. :'''Tara:''' ''(surprised)'' Don't you need to talk to the Treasury? :'''Fergus:''' We've done that. :'''Tara:''' Okay, Well, um, let's talk details. When it comes to interest rates, obviously you've got... :'''Adam:''' ''(jokingly)'' Well, hey, you know, don't talk us out of it. You don't wanna do that. :'''Tara:''' ''(smiling)'' So, is-is this the green light? :'''Fergus:''' Uh-huh! Yep! £2 billion! :'''Tara:''' Oh my God! :''(An overjoyed Tara gives both Fergus and Adam a hug, much to their surprise!)'' :'''Tara:''' We'll be in touch! :'''Fergus & Adam:''' Thank you. :'''Tara:''' Thank you. :'''Fergus:''' ''(to Tara, walking her to the elevator)'' Lovely to meet you, great. :''(Phil is wondering what policy Fergus, Adam, and Tara have just launched...)'' :'''Phil:''' What have we just green-lit? :'''Adam:''' Well, we are starting a community bank with £2 billion. :'''Phil:''' Right, is that the £2 billion we keep in the biscuit tin? :'''Glenn:''' This is just great. This is just fucking great. I hang around this moral abattoir to do something exactly like this and you shut me out? :'''Terri:''' So, I'm spending my bank holiday founding a bank? I thought the point about bank holidays is that they're supposed to be shut. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Fergus is still talking to Tara while walking her to the elevator. They're still excited about the bank.)'' :'''Fergus:''' You know, when we see something we like, we just buy it. :'''Tara:''' Oh, wow. :'''Fergus:''' That's the way we work round here. :'''Tara:''' I hope the Tickel, um...situation is all okay. :'''Fergus:''' Uh, well, it'll be fine. :'''Tara:''' Thank you. :'''Fergus:''' Great. Lovely to meet you. :'''Tara:''' See you soon. :''(As soon as the elevator Tara's traveling in closes, Fergus runs back to the offices and takes charge of the situation.)'' :'''Fergus:''' Right! I'm in fucking charge! And I'm going Nordic drama! ''(to Adam)'' Adam, secure the economist. ''(to Phil)'' You, get Stewart and Mannion back here STAT! :'''Adam:''' Brilliant. Got that, guys? Yeah? Okay? :'''Phil:''' ''(calling out to Fergus)'' Sure. I'll-I'll do it your way for now, Fergus, but, uh, they left me in charge for a reason. :'''Adam:''' I bet you line up all your action figures on the edge of your bath, don't you? :'''Phil:''' 1: I've got a shower. And 2: They're still in the boxes. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Phil, sitting in Peter's office chair, has just left a voicemail for Emma.)'' :'''Glenn:''' ''(entering)'': Have you got any of them yet? :'''Phil:''' No, everyone's ignoring me. It's like the first year of university all over again. Fuck it, the whole of university! ''(Peter's office phone rings.)'' Jesus. ''(answers)'' Hello? No, I can categorically say that Peter Mannion will not be resigning over this. Thank you. ''(hangs up)'' :'''Terri:''' ''(entering)'' Who was that? :'''Phil:''' ''[[wikipedia:The_World_at_One|World At One]]''. I handled it. :'''Terri:''' You don't handle ''The World At One'', Phil, they're not stolen goods. Now listen, if you want to go and play phones, you can go down to the crèche where there's a big phone with big boggly eyes that go round and round when you wheel it about. Now piddle off! :''(Phil leaves. Terri sits down in Peter's chair.)'' :'''Glenn:''' We've got to put something out there, Terri. :'''Terri''': That boy is a simpleton. Two hundred years ago, they wouldn't have let him milk a cow. ''(phones a journalist)'' Jonty! Terri here over at Hectic House. ''(laughing)'' No! No, Peter's not resigning! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Female party worker:''' Free apples! ''[throws ball]'' :'''Everyone:''' Yes and ho! :'''Male party worker:''' Uh, free coffins. ''[throws ball]'' :'''Everyone:''' Yes and ho! :'''Peter:''' Reduce the deficit with spending cuts. :'''Everyone except Stewart:''' Yes and ho! :'''Stewart:''' Peter, Peter, I want to hear new ideas ricocheting off your synapses like a pinball, not just a two year old slogan. :'''Peter:''' Okay, Doctor Jazz, let's hear it. ''[throws ball]'' :'''Stewart:''' We do away with computers. :'''Everyone except Peter:''' Yes and h- :'''Peter:''' ''You idiot!'' That's '''''fucking''''' mental! :'''Stewart:''' No blocking, Peter, only counterpoint. Do away with computers, what do we think? How will it affect us? Good idea? Bad idea? :'''Peter:''' Good idea for me, I wouldn't get anymore of your ''fucking'' emails. ''[Peter gets up]'' :'''Stewart:''' Try and stay cross-legged if you can, but don't break the circle... :'''Peter:''' I'm 54, Stewart. My knees are fucked and my patience is snapped. Some of us had to go through this hippie shit the first time around. :'''Stewart:''' I'm not talking about trying to sell it to the electorate, Peter. I'm talking about exploring it within the free space of the circle. :'''Peter:''' Okay, give me the ball. Give me the ball! Give me the ball. ''(Peter tries to wrestle the ball away from Stewart)'' :'''Stewart:''' No! :'''Peter:''' Give me... give me the ''FUCKING'' ball, Stewart! ''[grabs the ball]'' Let's do away with you. :'''Stewart:''' What? :'''Peter:''' Filter's off, Daddy-o! Let it all hang out! Just suppose your free-range no-consequence bullshit was hugely entertaining when we were in opposition and shitting money, but now we're in government and it's all gone a bit [[wikipedia:J._G._Ballard|J.G. Ballard]], it's irrelevant and infantile! :'''Stewart:''' Oh, very droll, Peter. :'''Peter:''' Oh, and maybe the reason you don't mind handing your phone in is that it doesn't ring as much as it used to. Oh, sorry; ''doesn't ring as much as it used to, yes and ho.''<hr width="50%" />'''Glenn:''' Want the opinion of an old lag? Mannion will have to go. :'''Phil:''' Stick to 'policemen are getting younger', Glenn. Peter's going nowhere, and I don't mean that in a Glenn's career kind of way. :'''Glenn:''' I've seen a lot of people resign, and they're always happier afterwards. :'''Phil:''' You're thinking of lobotomies. Peter resigns over my dead body. :'''Glenn:''' Yes. Yes, that would be the ideal scenario. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Peter, Emma and Stewart are wondering why they have been called away from the Thought Camp.)'' :'''Emma:''' It's probably just Phil, he'll have run out of colouring books or something. :'''Peter:''' Anything to get out of Stewart's think sphincter. :'''Stewart:''' ''(to the hotel receptionist)'' Hello, receptionist. Could I have my phone, please? :'''Receptionist:''' Um, your name, sir? :'''Stewart:''' It's Stewart. :'''Receptionist:''' Stewart? :'''Stewart:''' Stewart Pearson. :'''Peter:''' Peter Mannion. Mine's the old Nokia. Yeah, thank you. :'''Stewart:''' Look, mine's the one with Stewart written on it. :''(Nobody can get a good reception on the phones...)'' :'''Peter:''' I can't get any reception. :'''Receptionist:''' No, you won't round here. :'''Peter:''' What? :'''Receptionist:''' "No reception at reception," we always say. The best spot, sounds stupid, is the children's play area, top of the slide? <hr width="50%"/> :''(Peter and Stewart are forced to run over to the playground to get a reception!)'' :'''Stewart:''' God, I hate the country. ''(to Peter)'' Get higher, you idiot. :'''Peter:''' That's it, that's it, I've got something. :'''Stewart:''' Download the intel, Peter. Come on, put it on speaker. :'''Peter:''' No, I've got loads of messages from my wife and from Phil. :''(Peter's listening to the messages on his cell phone.)'' :'''Peter:''' She's taking the dog to the hospital... :'''Stewart:''' Oh, come on. :'''Peter:''' She's had a long wait...the wound in his paw's gone septic. :'''Stewart:''' Oh please, Peter, move on. :'''Peter:''' Tickle's dead. :'''Stewart:''' What? :'''Peter:''' ''(stunned)'' Tickle's dead. :'''Stewart:''' Okay, it's my turn on that signal, Peter, get down. :'''Peter:''' Wait, I'm listening to the message! I'm listening to the fucking message! Don't -- :'''Stewart:''' I need to get this signal! :''(Peter still doesn't want to slide down the slide.)'' :'''Stewart:''' Stop being so childish! :'''Peter:''' Jesus Christ! :'''Stewart:''' Just get down, Peter. :''(Peter slides down the slide.)'' :'''Stewart:''' I've got it! I've got it! :''(Emma's come over to the playground.)'' :'''Emma:''' Playtime's over. Tickle's dead, okay? Number 10's gone off the hook mental. Stewart, take my phone to call the PM. ''(Emma gives Stewart her cell phone.)'' :'''Emma:''' ''(to Peter)'' Right, Phil's meeting us, he's going to bring a shirt, suit and tie. You are not going to arrive looking like the manager of an organic wine bar. ''(to both Peter and Stewart)'' Right. Come on, come on, come on! Movement! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Fergus, Adam and Glenn are discussing strategy back at DoSAC.)'' :'''Glenn:''' Well, anyway, um, Mannion has surely got to freeze housing disposals now. :'''Fergus:''' Yeah. And on that point, Glenn, I wonder if it might be at all helpful if we collated every single statement Mannion's made about Tickle and the sell-off policy? :'''Adam:''' Yeah, as a sort of favor to selected hacks. Put a bit of air between us and the policy. A ''lot'' of air. :'''Glenn:''' Adam, this is not the time for party political point-scoring. At least let the body get cold. :'''Fergus:''' Of course, understood. What was it? What was it Peter said to those Welsh chartered surveyors? :'''Adam:''' The health service should be for care, not subsidized housing. I mean, that is... :''(Adam mimes an explosion.)'' :'''Glenn:''' Jesus, is this what we came into politics for? :'''Adam:''' Yeah. That and the pussy. <hr width="50%"/> :''(In the car back to DoSAC HQ from Thought Camp, Phil hands Peter a rainbow tie.)'' :'''Peter:''' What's that? I'm supposed to be commenting on a suicide, not a fucking camel race! :'''Phil:''' I thought it would balance out the bad news. You know, yin-yang. [[wikipedia:Jon_Snow_(journalist)|Jon Snow]] does it. :'''Stewart''' ''(on his phone)'': I want Tickle's movements over the last 24 hours, and I want his complete mental health records since he first sat on a potty. :'''Peter:''' Do you think you might need one or two computers for that, Stewart? :'''Emma:''' ''(on her phone)'' Yeah, okay, well, we're going to try and dredge up some firefighting strategy. Yeah, yeah. Absolutely. I'll top-load you as soon as we arrive. Yeah, thanks, okay. All right, bye. :''(Peter is struggling to put his suit jacket on with his seatbelt on.)'' :'''Peter:''' Can I, can I take the seatbelt off? :'''Emma:''' ''(to Peter)'' No, Peter. ''(Emma then sees Stewart tapping his head nervously.)'' Stewart, what are you doing? :'''Stewart:''' It-It helps with the car sickness. :'''Peter:''' This is great, isn't it, Stewart? A conference on crisis management that's been scuppered by an actual fucking crisis. :'''Phil:''' We don't even know why he killed himself yet. I mean, suicide, it's pathetic! At least take some of your enemies with you, that's a noble death. :'''Emma:''' This is going completely nuts, so many questions being asked! :'''Stewart:''' Yes, starting with "Why did Phil bring a tie from the '90s?" :'''Phil:''' Yeah, don't panic, I brought an alternative. ''(shows Peter a black tie)'' :'''Peter:''' But that's too far the other way! :'''Stewart:''' It makes him look guilty. :'''Phil:''' How can he be guilty? He's got the perfect alibi, he was at boot camp. :'''Peter:''' Oh! :'''Emma:''' Brilliant, let's release that, hey? 'There's no actual blood on his hands ''and'' he remembered to wipe the fingerprints off the knife!' :'''Phil''' ''(showing Peter his tie)'': Look, you can wear my tie, what about mine? :'''Peter:''' What's on your tie? :'''Phil:''' Tintin moon rockets. :'''Peter:''' Oh, for fuck's sake! :'''Stewart:''' ''(to Phil)'' God, it amazes me you ever found your way out of your mother's womb! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stewart:''' Terri, poppet, can you send me out a cry-mail, 'We give a toss, we're sorry for your loss', yeah? Peter, we might need to relaunch the trousers. And get him a tie, a bland one; Glenn, one of yours, yeah? :''(Phil goes to get Glenn's tie)'' :'''Fergus:''' Er, Peter, I have a bit of news I should probably make you aware of. :'''Peter:''' Yes I do know, Fergus, a man with an amusing name has died. :'''Fergus:''' Er, no, actually, it's that this morning I, well, I set up a community bank. :'''Emma:''' ... What? :'''Peter:''' You did what? You s– You set up a bank? :'''Phil''' ''(returning with Glenn's tie)'': I had a moment of weakness and they exploited it, like [[wikipedia:Hugh Grant|Hugh Grant]]. :'''Fergus:''' Yeah, well, we didn't really have much choice 'cause it was all going to piss in a kettle here, so we had to get the economist out of the way. :'''Peter:''' What are you talking about? What economist? :'''Fergus:''' Well, we were having a preliminary meeting when Phil started to crow, Glenn was having a meltdown, it was getting embarrassing! :'''Peter''': You bought a bank out of social embarrassment? I sometimes buy ''[[wikipedia:The_Big_Issue|The Big Issue]]'' out of social embarrassment, I don't buy a ''fucking '''bank!''' :'''Fergus:''' Peter, this is so fucking us. :'''Stewart:''' Yeah, let me just wind back, right? Let's get this straight, just so that I can deal with you two properly: how much is this bank? :'''Fergus and Adam:''' Well, £2 billion. :'''Emma:''' ''£2 billion?'' :'''Stewart:''' Sweet Tracey Emin! :'''Adam:''' Alright, don't need to shit yourself about it, because we're not buying it. OK? It's funded by taxes. :'''Emma:''' Oh, that's alright then! :'''Peter:''' Oh great, the triple! I'm a nurse-killer, a banker, and now I'm raising '''''fucking TAXES?''''' :'''Fergus:''' Well, you are meant to be the bad cop, so what's our out? :''(Phil drapes Glenn's tie around Peter's neck)'' :'''Peter:''' You're giving me an actual noose along with a metaphorical one. TROUSERS! :'''Phil:''' Sorry, I'm getting the trousers – ''(interrupted by an alert on his phone)'' Jesus! What were you guys doing at the hotel? There's a picture of you on a slide, it's been tweeted by a golfer. :'''Emma:''' ''(looks at the photo)'' Oh, f– :'''Stewart:''' ''(receiving Phil's phone)'' No no no no no no... :'''Phil:''' It's gonna go big, probably viral. Bigger than ''[[wikipedia:Charlie_Bit_My_Finger|Charlie Bit My Finger]]''. :'''Adam:''' You look like the [[wikipedia:The_Swiss_Family_Robinson|Shit Family Robinson]]. :''(Stewart suddenly screams and hurls Phil's phone at the wall, narrowly missing Emma)'' :'''Emma:''' Jesus Christ! :'''Terri:''' Shit! :''(Stewart storms off)'' :'''Adam:''' Oh, poor Stewart. I think a bit of his brain broke. :'''Phil:''' My phone broke! I was up to Warlock General in Dragonlance! A year of my life, gone! :'''Fergus:''' Er, Peter, speaking of socially embarrassing situations, what the fuck were you doing being photographed ''on a slide''? :'''Peter:''' It was the only place we could get a FUCKING SIGNAL! :'''Fergus:''' Two grown men in a playground, that's a pretty 'clear signal'. :'''Emma:''' Peter, Number 10 have seen the photo. They don't want you to make a statement. So Fergus, looks like you're up. Statement on Tickle in 10 minutes, OK? :'''Fergus:''' Bring it! :'''Emma:''' I'm gonna go and talk Stewart down. :''(Phil tries to hand the pair of trousers to Peter.)'' :'''Peter:''' I don't want the fucking trousers! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Phil gives Glenn his tie back.)'' :'''Phil:''' Here you go, I managed to wrestle your tie back off Terri. I think there's still some of her fingernails in it, though. :'''Glenn:''' Well, in the grand scheme of things, that's not such a big deal. :'''Phil:''' You're not going to come and watch your guy give the statement? :'''Glenn:''' No. He's not my guy, Phil. I'm on my own here, there's no one quite like me. Not here, not any more. :'''Phil:''' Yeah. You're the last [[wikipedia:VHS|VHS]] in [[wikipedia:Oxfam|Oxfam]]. They won't take them anymore, I've tried. Seasons 1 to 5 of ''[[wikipedia:The_X-Files|The X-Files]]'', nothing, can't give them away. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Peter and Stewart share an unexpected bonding moment over their mutual dislike of Fergus while watching him on TV.)'' :'''Fergus:''' ''(talking to the reporters)'' ...for a fairer NHS, for a fairer public housing program. :'''Peter:''' He's exactly why people hate politicians. He's making me hate politicians -- ''him'' in particular. :'''Stewart:''' Any second now, he's gonna do the imaginary tits. :''(Fergus does the "imaginary tits...")'' :'''Peter:''' There they are. ''(Both Peter and Stewart let out sarcastic chuckles.)'' :'''Fergus:''' Thank you. ''(Fergus heads back inside.)'' :'''Peter:''' Look at him. ''(beat)'' Moments like this make you realize why Elvis shot so many TVs. ==Series 4, Episode 4== :'''Malcolm:''' ''(on the phone)'' Sam, hi, listen, can you do me a favour? Buy some flowers for Nicola fucking Murray. Yeah, have them delivered to her home this evening with a card that says: "Sorry you had to go, but let's face it, you are a fucking waste of skin". Waste of skin, yeah. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to a hospital receptionist)'' Morning. I'm looking for a Mr. Oliver Reeder. He looks a bit like a Quentin Blake illustration. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ollie:''' ''(answers his mobile)'' Hi Mum. Yeah, a bit sore – :'''Malcolm:''' ''(entering Ollie's room)'' Here she is, Britain's latest post-op transsexual. How did they do that, did they actually manage to graft one on? ''(briefly lifts up Ollie's bedsheet)'' :'''Ollie:''' I'll call you back, Mum. ''(hangs up)'' It's the scary Morrissey! :'''Malcolm:''' ''(throws Ollie some flowers)'' I've come to cheer you up. :'''Ollie:''' Did you actually buy me flowers, Malcolm? :'''Malcolm:''' No no no, it's [[wikipedia:Roadside_memorial|one of the many advantages]] of living close to an accident blackspot. So how are things, the little boy from ''The Secret Garden?'' :'''Ollie:''' Well, you know, there's no Wi-Fi, there's basic Freeview. It's like living in 2003. But I am lighter to the tune of one whole appendix, so I do feel very svelte. :'''Malcolm:''' So have you seen this? ''(holds up the'' Guardian'', which leads with an interview with Steve Fleming)'' :'''Ollie:''' ''(reads the headline)'' "Nicola Murray is 'unelectable'"? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(throws Ollie the paper)'' Fleming is foaming. :'''Ollie:''' Is that it then, is she fucked? :'''Malcolm:''' Like [[w:Caligula|Caligula]]'s favourite watermelon. Fleming's fired the starting pistol so we can all start firing our ''actual'' pistols into her fucking fat unelectable smug head. :'''Ollie:''' How...Is this it now? :'''Malcolm:''' It's on. It's on like Fat Pat's thong. We're putting Nicola on a train today to Bradford. It's the closest as I could get to locking her in a metal box. :'''Ollie:''' Oh, this is the Here 2 Hear thing. What a great idea, going around the country listening to people tell you that they hate you, just in different accents. ''(In various accents)'' "I fucking hate you." "I hate you." "I fucking hate you." :'''Ollie:''' So wait, today's the day? :'''Malcolm:''' Today's the day. Once she's on the train, I'm going to detonate the main bomb, but I need you to set one off later. :'''Ollie:''' ''(laughing)'' Malcolm, I'm in hospital, I'm not wearing any pants! :'''Malcolm:''' I don't care if you've been dead for a year and playing cribbage with [[wikipedia:Jimmy_Savile|Jimmy fucking Savile]]. I want you to make a bomb and explode it, today. :'''Ollie:''' ''(confused)'' This is a metaphorical bomb, right? :'''Malcolm:''' This is it, [[wikipedia:Jack_Bauer|Jack fucking Bauer]]. Time for you to embrace your inner bastard.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Nicola:''' I'm not going to exploit a suicide. :'''Malcolm:''' Come on, you can't look a gift corpse in the mouth, you should be taking that corpse and slapping the Government about the face with it. Bit of slap with Tickle, yeah? :'''Nicola:''' No, I'm not doing it, it's insensitive, as was that. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nicola:''' Erm, John, maybe – :'''John Duggan:''' Please, call me JD, I've rebranded. :'''Nicola:''' Right. So John, if you could get us some drinks, that would be great. :'''John Duggan:''' Abso-dutely, I could murder a lager! It's all right drinking on trains, isn't it, it's one of those places where alcohol is acceptable at any time of day, like a casino, or Cardiff. That's not racist. I could have said Glasgow, or Dublin. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ben''' ''(to two colleagues)'': Yeah, it's a [[wikipedia:Nigella_Lawson|Nigella]] recipe, you sort of do it with gammon and Coca-Cola. That's fantastic. :'''Malcolm:''' Ah, the hairless [[wikipedia:Rubeus_Hagrid|Hagrid]]. I need a private word. :'''Ben:''' Yeah, we're kind of in the middle of something. :'''Malcolm''' ''(to Ben's colleagues)'': I need you lot to make like a tree and go fuck yourselves. :'''Ben:''' Yeah, we'll pick this up later. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm''' ''(seeing Ben's empty desk)'': Oh I'm sorry, I can come back if you're – I didn't realise you were so fucking busy. :'''Ben:''' Well, I could do some work, but you know what, we're still gonna lose. :'''Malcolm:''' Hey hey hey. Don't be so grim, you big quim. You are the future of this party, yeah? You are the next generation. :'''Ben:''' And you're in its past, I mean – I don't really know why you're still here, Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' I just want to see this thing turn around, right? I can't leave while we're getting fucked in the polls, and we're getting fucked consistently and repeatedly like a horse in the fucking Hebrides. :'''Ben:''' All very original observations, Malcolm MacIntucker, but what's the solution? :'''Malcolm:''' Nicola has to go. Today. :'''Ben:''' Oh, right. :'''Malcolm:''' You need to resign. :'''Ben:''' And challenge her for the leadership? :'''Malcolm:''' Ah, no. No, that would be petty and self-interested. No. You are doing this for the greater good of the party. As Deputy Leader, Dan Miller will take over, and he can be anointed at a later date. :'''Ben:''' So, you want me to stick my cock in a fan so that Dan Miller can become the next Prime Minister? Well fuck you very much, Malcolm. What do ''I'' get out of this? :'''Malcolm:''' I would not ask you to do this for nothing, would I? :'''Ben:''' You might. :'''Malcolm:''' I'm asking you, because you're a big fucking beast. Which is why, when you come back, it'll be as Foreign Secretary. :'''Ben:''' And you mean Foreign Secretary, that isn't code for, like, Northern Ireland, I'm not fucking going there. :'''Malcolm:''' This is the proper Foreign Secretary, with all the perks. Fuck-off breakfasts at Dubai hotels. Tours of secret Russian sex yachts. :'''Ben:''' All right! All right, I'll do it. And you know what? I'd have done it for a lot less. :'''Malcolm:''' I beg your pardon? :'''Ben:''' I'd have done it just to see the look on Nicola's face. :'''Malcolm:''' Oh. I've underestimated you. :'''Ben:''' ''(quite proud of himself)'' You have been out-maneuvered by a player. It happens. :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah, well...didn't used to. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nicola:''' God, this is absolutely ridiculous. We so should have sat separately in first! :'''Helen:''' You can't go in first class, it's career suicide. You might as well do a shit in the aisle. <hr width="50%" /> :''(Glenn Cullen is visiting Ollie Reeder in the hospital)'' :'''Ollie:''' ''(to Glenn)'' So go on, then. How's life in Nazi HQ? Is it fun collaborating? :'''Glenn:''' Oh, don't start all that again. I got into government by accident. :'''Ollie:''' Speaking of which, how is Terri? :'''Glenn:''' She's entering her dog for ''Britain's Got Talent.'' :''(Ollie lets out a big laugh)'' :'''Glenn:''' ''(to Ollie)'' Look, what's the matter with you anyway? Please tell me you're looking for a bone marrow donor and that I'm your only hope. The answer would be no, by the way. :'''Ollie:''' Bad luck. No, it's an appendix out. Well, I hope it is. Since your lot took over the NHS, everything's a fucking adventure, isn't it? :'''Glenn:''' Look, all this is incredibly entertaining, Ollie. But you called me over in my lunch hour, and as you're fond of saying, I don't have many of them left. :'''Ollie:''' So you know all this stuff with Mr. Tickle? :'''Glenn:''' Sad business. :'''Ollie:''' Very sad business. :'''Glenn:''' Yeah. Mr. Sad is actually very very sad about it. :'''Ollie:''' Yes. Mr. Happy, on the other hand: fucking delighted! :'''Glenn:''' Yeah? Mr. Stoic's taking it on the chin. :'''Ollie:''' Yes! Mr. Milk-it says we should probably stop this now. :'''Glenn:''' Okey doke. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nicola''' ''(returning to her seat)'': Right, wee mission accomplished. :'''John Duggan''': Actually, having an accurate wee into a moving train toilet would make a great round on ''[[wikipedia:The_Cube_(game_show)|The Cube]]'' with Phillip Schofield.<hr width="50%" />'''Glenn''' ''(entering the toilet)'': Ollie, come on, this is my shittiest lunch break I've had since Stewart took us all out for sushi. :'''Ollie:''' Patience, old man, and you can watch the fuckpuppet master at work now. ''(calls Ben)'' Ben Swain! Benign tumour, Bental illness! :'''Ben:''' Ol– Oliver Cyst, Olivetti – Spaghet– I don't really have time for chit-chat, Ollie. :'''Ollie:''' Are you resigning, mate, are you dropping the R-bomb? [[wikipedia:Enola_Gay|Benola Gay]]? I'm not just, er, talking about the rumours. :'''Ben:''' Let's just say it is time to prepare the hidey-hole for Madame Hussein, her reign of error is over. :'''Ollie:''' And out of interest, Ben, what would it take to stop you from resigning? :'''Ben:''' Why, what's Nicola offering? :'''Ollie:''' Name your price! :'''Ben:''' All right. Shadow Chancellor. :''(Ollie laughs. Glenn barely stops himself from doing so as well.)'' :'''Ollie:''' Ah, you still got it, Benny. :'''Ben:''' I'm serious, stop fucking laughing. :'''Ollie:''' All right, I'll call you back. ''(hangs up)'' :'''Glenn:''' This is a fucking joke! Ben Swain, Chancellor? He goes into debt every time he passes a sweet shop! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm''' ''(answering his phone)'': What have you got for me, Professor Brian Cock? :'''Ollie:''' Ben small-balled it. Nicola's offered him Shadow Chancellor, he's not resigning. :'''Malcolm:''' Christ in a diamond heist, the dopey fucking bollard. Right, how are you getting on with the old man from ''[[Up (2009 film)|Up]]''? :''(Glenn is waiting outside the toilet)'' :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, you know, getting there. :'''Malcolm:''' Well, get a move on. I want him leaking like [[wikipedia:Cliff_Richard|Cliff Richard]] out jogging. :'''Ollie:''' Right. OK. I'll be right on it. ''(hangs up)'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm''' ''(entering Ben's office)'': Oh, here she is. [[wikipedia:Pippa_Middleton|Pippa Middleton]], trying to steal the limelight with your peachy little arse. Right, where are we? :'''Dan:''' Well, I've just offered Ben here Deputy Leadership of the party. :'''Ben:''' I don't want it. I want Chancellor. :'''Malcolm''' ''(surprised)'': Chancellor? Of the United Kingdom? :'''Ben:''' Yeah, it's what Nicola's offering me. :'''Malcolm:''' Are you sure about this Ben, how's your economics? :'''Ben:''' Good, strong. :'''Malcolm:''' What, you're a [[wikipedia:Philosophy,_Politics_and_Economics|PPE]]-er guy? :'''Ben:''' No, History of Art, but – :'''Malcolm:''' Oh right, so you are confident that one day you will be able to shepherd this country out of one of the darkest economic periods in its entire fucking art history? :'''Ben:''' Look, at the moment, I hold all the cards, including the card that tells you how to play, so – so [[wikipedia:It_ain't_over_till_the_fat_lady_sings|it's over. The fat lady's singing]]. :'''Malcolm:''' No she's not. The [[wikipedia:Wynne_Evans|fat man]] from the [[wikipedia:Gocompare.com|GoCompare]] adverts is talking. :'''Ben:''' This is tiger-by-the-tail time and I'm loving it, loving it, loving it! :'''Dan:''' Oh, in that case you leave me no option, Ben, I'm gonna have to say yes. :'''Ben:''' Oh, [[wikipedia:Chumbawamba|Chumba-fucking-wamba]]! Then I resign on the dotted line. :'''Malcolm:''' Can you give us a minute, Ben, please? Dan and I need to talk some strategy. :'''Ben:''' Might head in the direction of confection; any snack-age, anyone? :'''Dan:''' No, no. :''(Ben leaves)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Is this for real? :'''Dan:''' No, of course it's not for real, Malcolm. I'm offering him Chancellor, but I might as well be offering him bass player in [[wikipedia:The_Wurzels|The Wurzels]], because that burly haemorrhoid's getting nowhere near any fucking cabinet of mine. :'''Malcolm:''' Good, so how are you gonna shaft him? :'''Dan:''' That's not my problem. That's your problem, Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' Right, so this is a little test, is it, you're weighing my balls? :''(Dan nods and smiles.)'' :'''Dan:''' Should we get Ben? :'''Malcolm:''' Oh, [[wikipedia:I'll_be_back|he'll be back]]. Like the shit [[wikipedia:Terminator_(character)|Terminator]]. ''(Ben returns)'' There he is.<hr width="50%"/> :'''Ben:''' I hereby tweet, 'I have resigned. More to follow.' Didn't seem that momentous. :'''Malcolm:''' How many followers have you got? :'''Ben:''' 612, or thereabouts. :'''Malcolm:''' Christ, well let's hope it gets retweeted, otherwise you might as well just whisper it to a fucking dead tramp. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Nicola is upset that she wasn't able to get support from a fellow politician in her party.)'' :'''Nicola:''' Fucking fibroid polyp bitch! I hope they sprout out of her abdomen and fucking choke her! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Ben is preparing for his big announcement, but first, Malcolm wants to show Ben something on his cell phone.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' These phones are amazing, aren't they? I've got an [[wikipedia:Mobile_app|application]] here that can throw grenades into people's dreams. :'''Ben:''' So, how do I look? :'''Malcolm:''' Is that your suit with the reinforced trouser arse on it, yeah? :'''Ben:''' Ha, very funny. What, a joke that I'm going to shit myself? :'''Malcolm:''' No, it's because you're gonna need it for the 10 years you're gonna be sitting on the back benches. The e-mail trail about the key worker housing clearly shows that you, Benjamin Trevor Swain, were gleefully in favor of it, just like Nicola. :'''Ben:''' You've...Um... :'''Malcolm:''' There you go. Break a leg, love. And your neck and your wrist. It doesn't really matter. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Meanwhile, Nicola and Helen are on a train back to London, when Nicola realizes...)'' :'''Nicola:''' I never act on impulse. I'm so not impulsive. And Malcolm made me do it now, fuck! :'''Helen:''' What? :'''Nicola:''' Launching this inquiry may prove to be misguided in that I now recall I may have fleetingly supported the policy myself. :'''Helen:''' (in disbelief) So you've essentially launched an investigation into yourself. :'''Nicola:''' Malcolm made me do it. :'''Helen:''' Oh, well, Malcolm, yeah. :'''Nicola:''' You've met Malcolm. I would've said that it was ethically bad. :'''Helen:''' I'll tell you what you said, just give me a minute. ''(Helen scoffs)'' Brilliant. Courtesy of the ''Telegraph'' website. You said, "Great revenue raiser, but I'm afraid it's a no-no because of my bloody husband." I'm sorry. Why would you do that? :'''Nicola:''' You remember all your e-mails, do you, that you sent three years ago? Because from what I understand from Ollie, a large number of them were sent to that married producer on the ''Daily Politics.'' :'''Helen:''' Ollie is a fucking...because...He was supposed to leave her and... :''(Helen wants to come up with a better rescue plan.)'' :'''Helen:''' Okay, while we're on our way back to London, maybe we should make a list of the things, you know, you're for and against. Let's start with something simple. Animals in circuses? :'''Nicola:''' Tell you what. Why don't you make the little list and shove it up your tight, cold arse? I just need to stare. :'''Helen:''' Have a good stare. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nicola:''' ''(on the phone to Ollie)'' You are not going to try and talk me down off a ledge, are you? Because, I've got to tell you, I'm really tired and the pavement looks like a nice, warm, splatty bed right now. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' Right, come on, folks, gather round, grab your cheesy nachos and your fucking [[wikipedia:Vuvuzela|vuvuzelas]]: this is what we've all been waiting for, it's the Queen's fucking speech. :''(A few moments later, as Nicola begins her resignation speech...)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Come on, this is fucking history in the making, right, this is the ending of a chapter of a very thin book that nobody enjoyed reading. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nicola:''' It has become apparent to me that I no longer have the full support of the party. :'''Malcolm:''' You never had the support of the party, you big bag of fucking useless doubt. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Dan enters the room as Nicola concludes her speech.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' And here he is, the anointed one! :''(Malcolm leads the room in applause)'' :'''Dan:''' Oh – please, please, I'm not Christ. He was quite a scruffy man. ==Series 4, Episode 5== :''(In this scene, Peter, Phil and Emma are walking their way upstairs to their office. The news of Nicola Murray's resignation as Leader of the Opposition is being broadcast on TV.)'' :'''Phil:''' There she goes, a tiebreaker in the making. "Who was Nicola Murray? I'll have to hurry you, teams." :'''Peter:''' Farewell, our shit and useless servant. :'''Emma:''' Yeah, at least Miller's a step up from Murray. He doesn't have to write Left and Right on his wellies. :''(Meanwhile, Stewart is leading his team downstairs at their desks.)'' :'''Stewart:''' I need your attention for 30 of your earth seconds. ''This'' is what will happen. :'''Phil:''' ''(looking downstairs)'' What the fuck is Stewart doing? :'''Stewart:''' You will go to the Z drive. You find a file entitled, "Miller Ascension, Whitehall Arab Spring." Open, ingest, implement. And after that...''(While Stewart is talking to the team, he sees Peter, Phil and Emma upstairs and makes an "I see you" gesture towards them.)'' I expect both of you, you two... :'''Peter:''' ''(groaning)'' Oh, fuck. :'''Stewart:''' ...to get together... :'''Peter:''' The man made of space hopper is coming this way. :''(Peter, Phil and Emma continue walking.)'' :'''Emma:''' This is gonna be about the inquiry. :'''Peter:''' ''(to Phil and Emma)'' I'm thinking I should resign now. :''(Emma and Phil are stunned.)'' :'''Emma:''' ''WHAT?'' :'''Phil:''' No, you can't do that! You're [[wikipedia:Aslan|Aslan]]! No one shaves your mane! :'''Peter:''' I'm not a fucking lion, Phil. There's going to be an inquiry into the death of a man who died because of a policy I signed off on. We all know how this is going to end. I, I, I should take the dignified way out. :'''Emma:''' No, you've missed the dignified exit. That was straight away, basically. :'''Peter:''' ''(slumping his shoulders)'' Yeah. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Peter, Phil and Emma are now talking about Fergus and Adam's Carer's Pass policy.)'' :'''Peter:''' The only silver lining in today's cloud of farts is that another one of [[wikipedia:Morecambe and Wise|Morecambe and Wise]]'s policy launches is ruined. :'''Phil:''' Are those the carers? They don't look old enough. :'''Emma:''' Free travel passes or something. It's another one of Adam and Fergus's Pop-Up Book of Policies. :''(As Peter and his team stop by the carers, he politely greets them and shakes their hands.)'' :'''Peter:''' ''(to the carers)'' Peter Mannion, lovely to meet you. What vital work you do. :'''Fergus:''' Peter, I'd love to introduce you to the carers... :'''Peter:''' ''(to Fergus, flatly)'' I've just met them. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Peter, Phil and Emma are now trying to come up with a plan in Peter's office...)'' :'''Peter:''' What's my plan? I didn't resign, and now this inquiry's gonna nail me up like fucking [[wikipedia:Barabbas|Barabbas]]. :'''Phil:''' Actually, he was the one they let go. Shouldn't have, he's a criminal. :'''Emma:''' Wait...We could, we could wrong-foot Murray. :'''Peter:''' Yeah, how? :'''Emma:''' You could push for the inquiry to go wider. :'''Phil:''' Wider? That's mental, we want to shut it down! :'''Emma:''' No, shush! Just hear me out! We can look into the whole, the whole culture of PFI procurement. :'''Phil:''' That is a good idea. :'''Peter:''' Really? :'''Phil:''' Fuck, that hurt to say! But she-she's right, because, um, Murray's husband's involved in PFI and he's as dodgy as a Russian, – as a Russian. :'''Emma:''' We can backspin it, Peter, it's good. :'''Peter:''' But, but is – is revenge a mature response? Let me think: Yes it is. Right, let's poke her in the PFIs. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Stewart is now upstairs talking to more of the DoSAC personnel.)'' :'''Stewart:''' If you get any channel problems, just swing them past the purple Power Ranger over here. (pointing to Terri) :''(As Peter leaves his office, he sees the carers again.)'' :'''Peter:''' ''(to the carers)'' Hello again. Vital, vital work, so proud of you. ''(Then Peter walks over to Terri.)'' Terri, I've got a job for you. :'''Stewart:''' Ah, Peter, this is all pretty white-knuckle stuff, eh? Is it getting the old adrenaline pumping, assuming it can squeeze past the port and stilton – :'''Peter:''' ''(to Stewart)'' Shut the fuck up, you prancing shit. ''(to Terri)'' Uh, we need to widen the inquiry into Mr. Tickle's death to include the issue of PFI contracts. :'''Terri:''' Great. Okay, I'm just working on Fergus's Carers Pass press release... :'''Peter:''' Aw, good. Could you fuck that to one side for the moment and concentrate on this? Yeah. :'''Stewart:''' Let's slip it into neutral for a moment here, Peter. We haven't got a green light from the PM yet, so let's not hit the accelerator. :'''Peter:''' Here's another way of looking at it: Let's. Goodbye. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm''' ''(to party staff, ahead of Nicola's arrival)'': Right, stop rolling around naked in the headlines; [[wikipedia:Thinking_man's/woman's_crumpet|blind man's crumpet]]'s on the way up. If you're gonna film her on your phones, try not to make it obvious, and no smiling. Not even a wee fucking [[wikipedia:Anne_Robinson|Anne Robinson]], right? The look we're going for should be ''solemn respect'': you know, like blokes modelling underpants.<hr width="50%" /> :''(Nicola Murray is trying to ask Dan Miller, the new Leader of the Opposition, NOT to go through with launching the inquiry.)'' :'''Nicola:''' This inquiry, you know, it's not really necessary now, so if-if you want to say that, I'll just back down. :'''Dan:''' ''(unmoved)'' An inquiry wouldn't be a bad thing. A clean break with the past in the minds of the electorate. :'''Nicola:''' Well, I mean, the electorate, you know, like me. ''(chuckling)'' Quite a lot of them voted me leader, so... :'''Dan:''' But you only beat me on a technicality. :'''Nicola:''' Yeah. I mean the thing is, Dan, ''(Dan nods)'' you know, pragmatically, I'm now a party grandee – ''(Malcolm enters)'' Malcolm, this is a private conversation. :''(Malcolm takes a chair and sits down.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' You are not a grandee, you are a fucking blandee. No one knew what the fuck you stood for. Political fucking mist. No substance, no weight. You've got all the charm of a rotting teddy bear by a graveside. By the way...women fucking hate you. I can show you the polling. They think you come across like a jittery mother at a wedding. The best thing you ever did in your flatlining non-leadership was call for an inquiry, because that will fuck the government and it will fuck ''you''. So now, please, just fuck off back to your home, you headless frump, and prepare for your column in ''[[wikipedia:Grazia|Grazia]]''. :'''Dan:''' Steady on, Malcolm, that's a bit strong. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(to Nicola)'' Come on, let's go. :'''Nicola:''' Okay, you, well...You just need to know that you have absolutely fucking done it now, Malcolm, because you are about to find out what it feels like to have me pissing in your tent. :'''Malcolm:''' Well, you know what? Your piss will never fucking make it into my tent, because by some unforeseen Nicola Murray-shaped fiasco, like every fucking Nicola Murray-shaped fiasco I've had to deal with for the last two years. you'll end up blowing your own fucking stream into your own fucking face. ''There's'' your golden handshake. :'''Nicola:''' Finished? :'''Malcolm:''' ''You're'' finished. :'''Nicola:''' ''(to Malcolm)'' We'll see. ''(to Dan)'' Right, well, thanks, Dan. Think about what I said. Also might want to think about the fact there should be an apostrophe in "its" ''(pointing to the "Its Miller Time" sign)'' Illiterate fuckers. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Adam is at Fergus's computer in their office. Adam is showing Fergus an article that will help Fergus distance himself from Peter in the Tickel scandal.)'' :'''Adam:''' Bingo. We just need to leak it. You saying, "Key worker housing sell-off is possibly the worst idea since the invention of theatre." :'''Fergus:''' Does that give us enough distance from Mannion? :'''Adam:''' Oh yeah. This is your Get Out of Jail Free card strapped to a fucking jetpack. We just need to leak it. :'''Fergus:''' Yeah, well, obviously it can't look like it came from us. :'''Adam:''' Maybe it's time to bring Glenn back into the hub. He's been out on a limb since punk, hasn't he? :'''Fergus:''' Thousand-year-old Glenn Fiddich? :'''Adam:''' Yeah. Fucking perfect, he'll love it. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Glenn, meanwhile, is in his office, trying to contact Ollie.)'' :'''Glenn''' ''(on the phone)'': Ollie, look, I'm feeling very exposed here. I've got my cock out, it's covered in breadcrumbs and the fucking pigeons are circling. Look, please, just-just ring me back. :''(Suddenly, Fergus and Adam enter Glenn's office.)'' :'''Adam:''' Mr. Cullen. We would like you to leak -- ''(pretending to be a magician)'' Wow! This. ''(Adam shows Glenn a [[wikipedia:USB flash drive|USB flash drive]].)'' Don't worry, nothing major, just an email that puts a bit of distance between Fergus and the Tickle affair. :'''Glenn:''' What, I go from being a turnip to a leak? Still a fucking vegetable to you, though, eh? :'''Fergus:''' You wanna bring Mannion down a peg or 12, don't you, Glenn? :'''Glenn:''' Yeah, of course I do. The up his arse Kensington Butcher. :'''Adam:''' ''(pointing to the USB flash drive)'' Well, this is the cyanide capsule we'd like you to break into his afternoon brandy. :'''Fergus:''' This is it, Glenn. You're off the bench, back on the pitch to score the golden goal in extra time. Come on, mate! :'''Adam:''' Pick it up. :''(After some thought...)'' :'''Glenn:''' Fuck it. Why not? I'll do it. :'''Fergus:''' Good man. Thank you. :''(Fergus offers to shake Glenn's hand, but Glenn's still a bit, uh, sore...)'' :'''Glenn:''' I don't need to shake your hand. :'''Fergus:''' All right. Touchy, but not feely. :'''Glenn:''' Just go. I'll just have a look at it. :''(As they leave Glenn's office. Fergus and Adam give each other celebratory fist bumps.)'' :'''Adam:''' You are a brilliant bullshitter. :'''Fergus:''' Yeah, well, two years doing press for npower, it never leaves you. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Glenn sneaks into Terri's office to leak the email from her computer while nobody else is looking. But as he's getting ready to do the deed, Glenn's caught by -- who else? -- Terri.)'' :'''Terri:''' Glenn! ''(beat)'' What are you doing at my computer? :'''Glenn:''' I-I'm just doing Bradford & Bingley a favor. I'm bringing down Mannion by leaking an email. :'''Terri:''' A leak? C-Coming from my computer? No. No, get off, get off. ''(pointing to the computer)'' Take that...that, the whatever it is out of the...whatever it is. Take it. Out. :'''Glenn:''' No one will think it's you. Nobody leaks from their own computer. Look, you do this for me and I'll make sure that you get the full severance package, no questions asked, with full pension. :'''Terri:''' ''(tempted)'' And a lump sum? :'''Glenn:''' Yeah, I guess, yeah. :'''Terri:''' ''(whispering)'' The thing is, Glenn, I've got -- I've got my eye on a tea shop near Ludlow. Without a lump sum, no tea shop, no can do. :'''Glenn:''' Okay, right. This can go straight to Geoffrey at ''The Guardian.'' :'''Terri:''' Okay, yeah. :'''Glenn:''' Right. :'''Terri:''' Can we do it together? :'''Glenn:''' What? :'''Terri:''' Please? Just your hand on mine and my hand on yours, just do it together. Like, erm... :'''Glenn:''' Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. :'''Terri:''' Yes, okay. :'''Glenn:''' Not that I'm saying you're butch. :'''Terri:''' No, of course not. :''(And with that, Glenn and Terri lock hands on the computer mouse...)'' :'''Glenn & Terri:''' One, two, three... :''(They click the mouse.)'' :'''Glenn:''' Just send the email. <hr width="50%"/> :''(In this scene, Peter, Phil and Emma arrive at Stewart's office at Number 10. Stewart is preparing a "whiteboard session"...much to Peter's annoyance.)'' :'''Stewart:''' Ah, Team Peter. Come on, guys, let's take a little imagination stroll through a virtual inquiry, yeah? :'''Peter:''' ''(groaning)'' Oh, dear God, not another whiteboard session. I've-I've got a note from my mother, I have a verruca. :'''Stewart:''' Just wanna get an overview, Peter, yeah? A helicopter shot of where we currently are. Who's most to blame in the blame garden. Okay, the onion is PFI. Let's peel back some layers. Murray resignation, how do we feel about that? :'''Peter:''' What's "Tickle's M Records"? :'''Stewart:''' Medical, it's his leaked medical records. :'''Peter:''' Leaked? I-I-I thought they were common knowledge. :'''Stewart:''' Well, they are now, because they have been leaked. :'''Peter:''' ''(to Emma)'' Did you know about this? :'''Emma:''' Well, yeah, Number 10 knew, so I-I knew, yeah. :'''Peter:''' ''(to Phil)'' What about you? :'''Phil:''' Yeah, I-I thought Tickle leaked them himself. :'''Stewart:''' Who would voluntarily leak their own medical records? You'd have to be mad to do that. :'''Peter:''' He ''was'' mad, that's precisely what his records said. :'''Phil:''' Exactly. You know, he was a male nurse. That's not just mad, that's mental. :'''Emma:''' ''(taken aback)'' Oh, Phil! Did the last 30 years only happen to other people? :'''Peter:''' Why didn't I know about this? Leaking medical records ''is'' illegal. Well, I-I -- Now I look guilty and incompetent. :'''Stewart:''' ''(writing on the whiteboard)'' Ah! Peter, incompetent. :'''Peter:''' Look! Don't write that down! I'm not on your sodding onion! :'''Stewart:''' ''(continuing writing)'' What is GFU? Good for us. Mmm? :'''Emma''' ''(looking at her phone)'': Oh, shit with a capital SHIT! We've got to go. :'''Phil:''' Great! ''(stands up)'' :'''Stewart:''' Hey, no no no no no no no, sit. :'''Emma:''' ''The Guardian'' have received an email from Fergus – actually, do you know, strike that, a ''chain'' of emails – Oh, perfect, with all of our comments about Mr. Tickle underneath. :'''Phil:''' Oh God, not-not the one where we all piled in with the ''[[w:Mr. Men|Mr. Men]]'' jokes? :'''Emma:''' Yes, yes. That one, Phil. :'''Stewart:''' Oh, you kid me! :'''Phil:''' Oh, Jesus! :'''Emma:''' I kid you not! :'''Peter:''' Oh my giddy fuck. :''(They all run back to DoSAC while reading the emails on their phones.)'' :'''Emma:''' They've leaked all the bloody emails: 'Mr. Tickle sounds like a gropey clown at a kids' party'. :'''Peter:''' I can't see! Can I make it bigger? :'''Phil:''' Go to Settings. 'Poor ickle Mr. Tickle, perhaps he's mentally sickle.' Must be Fergus. :'''Peter:''' Is this Settings? Oh, I think I've just taken a picture of my feet! <hr width="50%" /> :'''Ollie:''' Erm... Glenn is in reception. :'''Malcolm:''' Hoddle? Miller? Close? Morangie? :'''Ollie:''' Cullen. Glenn Cullen is in reception. :'''Malcolm:''' Glenn? :'''Ollie:''' Yeah. :'''Malcolm:''' Why are you even fucking telling me that? When the Queen's butler finds a cockroach in the pantry, he just stamps on it. :'''Ollie:''' Yes... :'''Malcolm:''' She doesn't even know! :'''Ollie:''' Okay. Okay! I'll go stamp on the cockroach, Malcolm. <hr width="50%" /> :'''Glenn:''' Oh, hey! Shouldn't you be in bed? :'''Ollie:''' Shouldn't you not be here?! Whoa, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop! You can't go up there. :'''Glenn:''' No, I have to. I ''can't'' go back over there, it's like ''[[w:Alien vs. Predator (franchise)|Alien vs. Predator]]''! :'''Ollie:''' Glenn! :'''Glenn:''' I want back in! Here! :'''Ollie:''' Yes, everybody is... tremendously appreciative of what you've done. It was a noble sacrifice, but-- :'''Glenn:''' What do you mean, "sacrifice"? I thought we had a deal! "Sacrifice" sounds very one-sided. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, well, "piss off" sounds one-sided, but there we go-- ''(Malcolm arrives and pushes him aside)'' Hey! M-Malcolm! :'''Malcolm:''' Why is he still here? Can you not perform a simple task? When there is a shit on your doorstep, you hose it off. :'''Ollie:''' Right. :'''Malcolm:''' You don't try to talk it into leaving of its own volition. :'''Glenn:''' I got rid of Nicola for you, you owe me! :'''Malcolm:''' I owe you? Your act of treachery wiped the slate clean. [[Rudolf Hess]]'s fucking senile older brother. :'''Glenn:''' Look, I know you think I screwed up, but I came here on my hands and knees, Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' You, my friend, you don't exist to me anymore, I can't even fucking hear you. :'''Glenn:''' Do you want me to beg? Is-Is that it? Because I -- Because I will. :'''Malcolm:''' Listen, [[Mary, Queen of Scots|Mary, Queen of fucking Shits]]: in the old days we would've just slit you up the middle like a fucking Cornish [[wikipedia:Pasty|pasty]], hanged your steaming entrails all around the Tower of fucking London! Catch you later, you fucking traitor! ''(turns to Sam, who has appeared on the stairs)'' Sam, what is it? :'''Sam:''' It's a call from Stewart Pearson. :'''Malcolm:''' ''(takes the phone from Sam)'' Stewart Pearson. ''(to Glenn)'' I'm the fucking wankers' lodestone today. ''(answers the phone, walking away)'' Stewart. Yes, [[wikipedia:Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy|the goatee-bearded guru-boy of Company B]]. :'''Ollie:''' It's a no, Glenn. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Stewart and Malcolm are having a not-so-friendly chat on their cell phones.)'' :'''Stewart:''' Yeah, Malcolm, can this wait? Hmm? :'''Malcolm:''' Word is the PM's considering an inquiry into the culture of leaking. :'''Stewart:''' No, no. Do you really think he's going to invite everyone into our complex network of secret little burrows? Open up the whole of Watership Down? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Okay, Bright Eyes. I'm massively fucking reassured. :'''Stewart:''' Look, you may as well have an inquiry into gravity. Now I have to go, Malcolm, because I've got like a whole country to govern, yeah? <hr width="50%"/> :''(As Peter, Phil and Emma are coming back to the office, Terri runs up to Peter to beg his forgiveness for the leaking of the chain of emails.)'' :'''Terri:''' ''(to Peter)'' The primary thing I want to say, first and foremost, is that you can't blame me for this. Peter. If-If anything, it's the culture of blame that's to blame for this. :''(Peter and his team walk past Terri and, yet again, pass the carers along the way.)'' :'''Peter:''' ''(to the carers, smiling)'' Great to see you again. Such crucial work you do. ''(to Phil and Emma, angrily)'' Meeting room! :''(Team Peter finally make their way into the meeting room.)'' :'''Peter:''' ''(to Phil and Emma)'' Right, ''SIT DOWN!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''(As soon as Team Peter enters the meeting room and close the door, Peter really lays into Phil and Emma.)'' :'''Peter:''' I can't resign, and I'm not gonna resign. I had the perfect moment to resign, which was right early on, when I could have resigned in a dignified and statesman-like way, and you both advised me not to resign. So now, I can't resign. :''(Phil and Emma agree with Peter's decision not to resign.)'' :'''Peter:''' ''(still composing himself)'' What's gonna happen is this. One of you has got to go. I want both of you to give me reasons why you shouldn't resign. :'''Phil:''' ''(stunned)'' Er, because...because I'm a, a Special Advisor to a...senior cabinet minister. :'''Emma:''' ''(while Phil's talking)'' That's a job description, Philip. That's a job description. :'''Peter:''' ''(unimpressed)'' That's not a reason. That's just your job -- from which I'm asking you why you shouldn't resign. :'''Phil:''' ''(struggling)'' I know everything about you. I am a, a world expert in-in-in Peter Mannion from, uh, PIN number to inside leg measurement. I, I'm-I'm there, um, you know... :'''Emma:''' ''(to Phil)'' What's his inside leg measurement? :'''Phil:''' ''(to Emma)'' 34. ''(to Peter)'' I've given you everything, Peter, you can't...I mean, I-I don't have anything else, that's the point. I don't, I don't have any friends, I don't have any life, I haven't had sex for five years and I don't even enjoy it, so...you know, I'm not gonna get anyone pregnant. I'm never gonna get anyone pregnant, okay? You know, I'm fucking seedless. Whereas she's just, just a fucking baby bomb, okay? :'''Emma:''' Phil, you are just a... :'''Phil:''' And she's gonna go off all over the office and-and leave you! I'm gonna be here! :''(And THEN, to make matters worse for Peter, Terri barges into the meeting room!)'' :'''Terri:''' ''(entering)'' I'm sorry, I'm sorry, but my-my good name is at stake here. :'''Peter:''' Oh, Christ... :'''Terri:''' Peter, you must understand. I am an innocent woman. I'm the DoSAC One. :'''Peter:''' ''(fed up)'' That's it! I've had enough! I've had enough of all of you! You're all shit! I'm gonna sort it out by myself! :''(Peter leaves the meeting room...but now he's trying to outrun Terri.)'' :'''Terri:''' I can't bear that you think about me like this. :'''Peter:''' Don't follow me, Terri. :'''Terri:''' Please... :'''Peter:''' Stop following me. :'''Terri:''' I insist. I insist. I insist, Peter, please... :'''Peter:''' All right, Terri! I admit it, I'm in love with you! Now fuck off back to your office and organize the wedding! <hr width="50%"/> :''(And now, Fergus and Adam are celebrating what seems to be a triumphant victory.)'' :'''Fergus:''' ''(happily)'' Mannion goes [[wikipedia:Mel Gibson|Mel Gibson]]. :'''Adam:''' ''(chuckling)'' Spot it. :''(Fergus and Adam celebrate with a fist bump.)'' :'''Fergus:''' You know, you know what you've done? :'''Adam:''' Yeah? :'''Fergus:''' You, you, you have bought a fan, you plugged it in, you turned it on, you turned the dial up to maximum. :'''Adam:''' It wasn't a weak fan, it wasn't one of those office fans. It was a Dyson. And I stood the other side of it. :'''Fergus:''' Did a liquid shit on it. :'''Adam:''' Trousers down. :'''Fergus:''' And where did the shit go? :''(Adam imitates an explosion.)'' :'''Fergus:''' All over Mannion. :''(But then, Fergus's cell phone chimes...)'' :'''Adam:''' That's just priceless. :'''Fergus:''' Fuck, hang on... :'''Adam:''' What? :'''Fergus:''' Um, check the fucking emails. :'''Adam:''' What are you talking about? :'''Fergus:''' What the fuck did you give to Glenn? :'''Adam:''' ''(checking the computer)'' Well, it was just the email, just the... :'''Fergus:''' Yeah, but it's the whole -- We're on the email. :'''Adam:''' Oh, fucking hell... :''(Fergus and Adam are now starting to panic.)'' :'''Fergus:''' Why did you, why did you leave us on the-on the dongle? :'''Adam:''' Because he's only supposed to send the fucking top part of it. :'''Fergus:''' Why did you give him the choice? :'''Adam:''' Because an email has a chain, Fergus, it has a fucking chain that goes all the way down! :'''Fergus:''' Adam, there is now shit all over me! How come there is shit on me? Thanks, Adam! :'''Adam:''' Look, it's not my fucking fault! He's supposed to redact it! :'''Fergus:''' I just wanted one solid shit to go in one direction! Not [[wikipedia:Madras_curry_sauce|Madras]] fucking everywhere! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Fergus and Adam are now going after Glenn.)'' :'''Adam:''' Hey! [[w:2000 Year Old Man|2000 Year Old Man]]! Why the FUCK did you send the whole email?! Huh?! You were supposed to redact it, send the top email, not the whole fucking exchange! JESUS CHRIST ON A CRYSTAL METH BINGE! :'''Glenn:''' Terri and I sent what you gave me. :'''Adam:''' ''(in hysterical disbelief)'' ''Terri?! Why the fuc–'' THE ONLY REASON I'D EVER ASK TERRI FOR HELP IS TO ''SHOOT'' ME IF I EVER ASKED TERRI FOR HELP! :'''Glenn:''' Same reason you gave it to me: distance! TWO PEOPLE, TWICE THE DISTANCE! :'''Fergus:''' BUT TERRI DOESN'T GIVE US ANY DISTANCE! TERRI GIVES ME A TWITCH, ''(points to his eye)'' RIGHT HERE! YEAH, LAUGH IT UP, GLENN, BUT I'VE GOT A TWITCH, ''CALLED TERRI!'' :'''Terri:''' ''(from behind a book shelf, voice cracking)'' I am actually here, you know! :'''Fergus:''' Yeah, and that, in a nutshell, is the whole fucking problem! :''(Fergus storms off, Adam follows.)'' :'''Adam:''' ''(singsong)'' Fuck you very much! ''(to the carers, who have witnessed the entire exchange)'' Five minutes, guys, yeah? :'''The Carers:''' ''(moaning)'' Thanks. :'''Terri:''' ''(quietly to Glenn)'' Glenn...what about my tea shop? :'''Glenn:''' ''(sarcastically)'' It got closed! There's been a murder! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ollie:''' An inquiry into all of leaking, all of leaking! We are so ''–'' We are so screwed! :'''Malcolm:''' He's done it. That chinless horse-fiddler. Our fuck-lustrious PM has opened Pandora's fucking Box, and curled a massive steamer right into it! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stewart:''' In the time it has taken for Terri to extract herself from her Bluetooth, this little inquiry has fused! It is now growing faster than the speed of bloody light! It's not gonna be something that we can see ''from'' space, IT'S GOING TO ''BE'' SPACE! [[w:Brian Cox (physicist)|BRIAN COX]] IS GONNA PHONE ME, AND ASK FOR THE FILM RIGHTS! :'''Peter:''' BUT WHAT LEAK, WHAT LEAK, ''WHAT FUCKING LEAK?!'' :'''Stewart:''' ANYTHING! If I find out that ''anyone'' from here has leaked ''anything'', I will make sure they have to emigrate after this to a country where they don't speak English, and there's no Internet! :'''Peter:''' But every-everyone who leaked anything, that would fill the fucking Caspian Sea, we're just a drop in the ocean here! :'''Stewart:''' No, no, no, what you are, Peter, is Leak Zero! It started here! You have presided over a shambolic showering of info! Peter Mannion, 'Singing in the Rain'! ''(mobile rings)'' Oh, Christ. ''(answers)'' Hello, Malcolm! :'''Malcolm:''' Right, was this your idea? Because I don't remember signing any suicide pact. :'''Stewart:''' Malcolm, look, I'm as shocked about this as you are. :'''Malcolm:''' Yes. You sound ''really'' shocked, you big fucking spunk lolly. :'''Stewart:''' Yeah, look, I don't even know what that is. But I, you know, I think we all need time to, to process this data, yep? :''(Fergus and Adam burst in)'' :'''Fergus:''' WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?! :'''Adam:''' ''(restraining Fergus)'' All right, Fergus. ''(calmly)'' What the fuck is going on? :'''Phil:''' [[w:Raiders of the Lost Ark|The Ark has been opened, and your face is gonna melt!]] :'''Emma:''' There's gonna be an inquiry. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' Have I just stepped through a portal into a sausage machine? Because this is making mincemeat of my head. [[wikipedia:It's the End of the World as We Know It (And I Feel Fine)|It's the end of the world as we know it]]. To paraphrase a popular fucking [[wikipedia:The Bangles|Bangles]] song. :'''Ollie:''' It was, erm...It was [[wikipedia:R.E.M.|R.E.M.]] :'''Malcolm:''' Don't start contradicting me on that kind of shit. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm is trying to talk to Ollie about the importance of leaking in the governmental system.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Leaking is a fundamental component of our governmental system! If a government can't leak, do you know what happens? Dark shit builds up, and then ''–'' it ''bursts!'' And that's something you don't want to see! You think your appendix was bad? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' This is the gift that's gonna go on giving, believe you me. So you'd better keep your head down. And I don't mean just when you're frequenting your favorite glory holes. :'''Ollie:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Yeah, well...Whereas ''your'' closet is ''completely'' free of skeletons, isn't it, Malcolm? 'Cause you've buried them in a landfill in Essex. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' When this inquiry lands, you'd better have developed a very flat, stony face with no expression. But that'll be easy for you: it's your fucking cum face, isn't it? <hr width="50%"/> :''(deleted scene)'' :''(Malcolm wants Ollie to visit Nicola at her home)'' :'''Malcolm:''' Just go and stop her doing anything mental, right? Which, given that she thought she could be Prime Minister, the parameters for mental are about as wide as your mother's legs when the fleet's in town. :'''Ollie:''' All right, if I'm doing this for you, can we have a bit more respect for my mother, please? Those sailors get lonely. :'''Malcolm:''' This is some of my best stuff, and it's being ignored. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, what does that tell you?<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Glenn:''' But I came here on my hands and knees, Malcolm, I'm supplicating here; I'm a supplicant, Malcolm. :'''Malcolm:''' Well, unfortunately, that ship has sailed, hit a fucking iceberg, sunk, and [[wikipedia:Julian_Fellowes|Julian Fellowes]] has written [[wikipedia:Titanic_(2012_miniseries)|a fucking shit drama]] about it. ==Series 4, Episode 6== :''(This is the opening scene of this episode. Welcome to the Goolding Inquiry.)'' :'''Lord Goolding:''' This is an inquiry into the death of Mr. Douglas Tickel. And the practice and culture of the dissemination of confidential information between political parties and the public media. Mr. Weir. :'''Simon Weir:''' Uh, thank you, Lord Goolding. Um, our first witness today is, uh, is Mr. Stewart Pearson. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Stewart Pearson is ready to testify before the Goolding Inquiry Committee. He takes the oath, but politely declines to put his hand on the Bible.)'' :'''Stewart:''' ''(to the Bible holder)'' No, that's, er, it's fine. ''(taking the oath)'' Yeah. Um, I, Stewart Pearson, do sincerely declare and affirm that the evidence I shall give will be the truth, the whole truth and, and nothing but, uh, the truth. :'''Simon Weir:''' On page, uh, 235 of your, your witness statement...uh, you describe yourself as the, the "Human Rooter" in government. Can you, uh, can you explain what you meant by that? :'''Stewart:''' Um, I'm a...a "router," in the sense that I control the governmental informational ingestion and egestion process. :'''Simon Weir:''' Uh, Mr. Pearson, just to clarify, your job is -- is to make sure that the public perception of your government's program is a positive one, is that fair? :'''Stewart:''' It's not about perception, yeah? I believe in government as a transceiver, mmm? :'''Simon Weir:''' A transceiver? :'''Stewart:''' Yeah, it's really important, yeah, sure, to give out a, uh, a strong signal, but you -- to be effective, you've got to listen for an echo. :'''Lord Goolding:''' Could you possibly speak in plain English? :'''Stewart:''' I'm sorry, I, I...I thought, I thought I was. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' So what-what is clear is that you are an important man, Mr. Pearson. :'''Stewart:''' I'm just a lad from Leeds with a lust for life, yeah? Um...there's an, uh, an African proverb that's, that's stuck with me, yeah? "If you think you're too small to make a difference, you've never spent a night with a mosquito." :'''Baroness Sureka:''' So...part of your job is to make sure that the government's message gets across clearly? Is that right? :'''Stewart:''' That's correct. And despite the sarcasm marinating in that question, I'm very successful in that endeavor. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' ''(correcting Stewart)'' No, there was no sarcasm intended at all, Mr. Pearson. :'''Stewart:''' Sorry, I must have misread your face. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Um, does your job intrude on your home life? :'''Stewart:''' No. No, when I, when I close the front door, I'm...I'm no longer Stewart Pearson. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' When you... :'''Stewart:''' I mean, I mean when I close it from the, from the inside. You know, right. When I close it from the outside, then...then I very much am Stewart Pearson. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' So who are you at home? :'''Stewart:''' Uh, I'm a husband, I'm a -- pardon me, a lover, I'm a carpenter, I'm a cook, I'm a flautist. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' A... :'''Stewart:''' A flautist. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Right. :'''Stewart:''' I play the flute. And I dabble on the Irish bodhrán. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Um, and would you like to express any, uh, remorse for Mr. Tickel's death? What would you like to say to his family? :'''Stewart:''' Uh, I would like to offer them maximum respect, you know? And maximum remorse. And maximum assurance that Mr. Tickel did not die in vain. We're here. You know? How can we make the government and the media inclusive without being intrusive? Yeah? And if we can answer that, at least we can make sure that there are no more Mr. Tickels. ''(Stewart corrects himself)'' I mean--I mean that not in the sense of, you know, wiping out the Tickel family name. I mean it in the sense that nothing like this will ever happen again. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Hello, Mr. Pearson. Tab 28 in your bundle there, page 263. ''(Both turn to that page in their folders.)'' A paper that you presented in 2006, 'The Iconography of Consensus.' Would you care to summarize the argument you present there? :'''Stewart:''' Sure, yeah, the main thrust – :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Bearing in mind Lord Goolding's desire for plainness and clarity. :'''Stewart:''' Right. Okay. I, um, hypothesise that – Sorry. I ''say'' that the design structure for a parliamentary democracy should be that of the [[wikipedia:Centre_Georges_Pompidou|Pompidou Centre]]: Morally and structurally explicit and open, a porous membrane. :'''Lord Goolding:''' Maybe just a little bit plainer, Mr. Pearson? :'''Stewart:''' People should know, er, what politicians are doing. :'''Lord Goolding:''' Brilliant. :'''Stewart:''' Thanks. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Government should be porous? :'''Stewart:''' Yes. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' But not leaking. :'''Stewart:''' Come on, if someone is determined to leak information, there's nothing that anyone can do about that. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' So as Director of Communications, you are unable to prevent sensitive material being communicated to journalists? :'''Stewart:''' If someone chokes on a packet of crisps, do you issue an arrest warrant for [[wikipedia:Gary Lineker|Gary Lineker]]? :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Well, is it fair to say that you have in fact changed nothing, and government communications carries on exactly as they did before, by leaks and whispers? :'''Stewart:''' No, it is not fair to say that. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' In fact, because you disapprove and ''condemn'' these practices, are they not more covert and more hidden and more secret than ever before? :'''Stewart:''' I think that is-is also an unreasonable assertion. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' In spite of your desire to create a political Pompidou Centre, Mr. Pearson, haven't you created the opposite, [[wikipedia:Centre_Point|Centre Point]]? I mean, everybody sees it looming over them but nobody has the faintest idea what happens in there. :'''Stewart:''' ''(calmly, but sarcastically)'' I think there's some kind of club on the top floor. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' So, Mr. Pearson, have you identified the source of the leak of Mr. Tickel's records? :'''Stewart:''' No, no. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Have you ever leaked yourself? :'''Stewart:''' No. No, I was over that pre-Britpop. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Do you have any idea where the leak might have come from? :'''Stewart:''' Well, you know, if this was ''[[CSI: Miami]]'', I guess we'd be looking for the person who'd have most to gain from the leak being made public. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Well, despite your shirt, this isn't ''CSI: Miami''. Who do you think would benefit most from the leak? :'''Stewart:''' Well, I guess I'd be sending [[wikipedia:David_Caruso|David Caruso]] knocking on the door of Mr. Malcolm Tucker. <hr width="50%"/> :''(And now, Malcolm Tucker takes his turn with the Goolding Inquiry.)'' :'''Lord Goolding:''' Can I ask you, "How would you describe yourself?" :'''Malcolm:''' Uh, I'm, uh, a media strategist. :'''Lord Goolding:''' So you would be Stewart Pearson's opposite number? :'''Malcolm:''' Well, uh, I'd be Stewart Pearson's opposite in every possible way, I think. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' You have a lot of control and power over your party, don't you? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(laughs slightly)'' I wish, yes. Uh, no. I think that that's been overstated. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' So this reputation you have as an enforcer, that's completely misrepresenting you, is it? :'''Malcolm:''' It's baloney. Politicians who have to do things that they don't want to do, such as resign, uh...Because they've been caught with their fingers in the till, or, you know, with their knickers up a flagpole or whatever, they sometimes...It's very convenient for them to have a boogeyman. "Malcolm made me do it." Well, I didn't make them do it. These are people who just find themselves stuck in a room with one exit and I simply show them the door. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' I've highlighted some quotes: The ''Guardian'': 'Malcolm Tucker has the physical demeanour and the political instincts of a ''Velociraptor''.<nowiki/>' :'''Malcolm:''' Yes, the ''Guardian'', the newspaper that hates newspapers. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' ''Telegraph''. :'''Malcolm:''' The ''Telegr-arse''. :'''Baroness Sureka'''<nowiki/>''':''' 'Tucker's writ runs through the lifeblood of Westminster like ''r''<nowiki/>''aw alcohol'', at once cleansing and<nowiki/> corroding.' The ''Times'': 'If you<nowiki/> make eye contact with Malcolm Tucker, you have spilled his pint.' The ''Spectator'': '[[wikipedia:Iago|Iago]] with a BlackBerry'; I mean, you're saying these quotes are, what, misguided? :'''Malcolm:''' The ''Spect-hater''. Erm, no, I'm saying that you are not – you're taking these out of context, you're not contextualising these. If you were to<nowiki/> put them into a perspective, if you were to place them into the landscape, you would see that there might be a lot of axes being ground here. I don't see the difference between what you have just done and a leak, by the way. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Well, the difference is that what I've just read out was not obtained illegally. :'''Malcolm:''' How do you know that? You don't know <nowiki/>what confidences have been breached in order to form these ''opinions'', for that is what they are. :'''Ba'''<nowiki/>'''roness Sureka:''' So you accept leaking as part and parcel of the political media machinery? :'''Malcolm:''' Yes, I mean, if you didn't have leaking, the newspapers would just be full of long-lens bikini shots and adverts for sheds and offers to buy three pairs of trousers for a tenner, et cetera, it's just – it's the way it is. Big deal, no one dies. :'''Lord Goolding:''' One person ''did'' die, Mr. Tucker. :''(Malcolm simply gives a "so be it" look.)'' :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Would you tell us how it works? :'''Malcolm:''' You know, you do me a favor, I do you a favor, yeah? :'''Lord Goolding:''' And what might you expect in return? :'''Malcolm:''' Anything. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' What? :'''Malcolm:''' Well, a [[wikipedia:Kit Kat|Kit Kat]], you might get -- I've had a Kit Kat. I've had a, uh, a big meal. :'''Simon Weir:''' Well, I mean, could you give us an example of what you mean? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(going through his notes)'' Um...Well, yes. I...This is the ''Daily Mirror.'' And I could get drummed out of the Magic Circle for showing you this. Anyway, this is the ''Daily Mirror'' about the "Quiet Batpeople", uh, policy of, uh, Mrs. Nicola Murray. ''(Malcolm shows the inquiry committee a picture of the "Quiet Batpeople" headline.)'' I was there that day. You can't see me, because I've been cropped out here. But this information here, I made sure that those notes were in that place, that they were available, and that the picture editor, uh, knew where to find them. :'''Simon Weir:''' Sorry, I'm just trying to...trying to get this clear. Was Mrs. Murray not the subject of huge derision as a result of this? :'''Malcolm:''' Uh, no, she was a subject of huge derision before this. :''(Chuckles emanate from the gallery.)'' :'''Simon Weir:''' You were trying to undermine the leader of your party? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(putting away the picture)'' I was... :'''Simon Weir:''' Would you, would you say you were a loyal man, Mr. Tucker? :'''Malcolm:''' I'm loyal, yes. I'm loyal to my party. And, uh, I feel that Mrs. Murray's policies were turning the party into -- I don't know if you've seen those calendars that have got pictures of dogs that are dressed up, and they've got little dresses and hats on. She was turning my party into that, she was humiliating my party. So I thought it was absolutely vital to focus the public's attention onto that. :'''Simon Weir:''' And yet you maintain that you had great -- I don't know, what, respect for Mrs. Murray as a person. :'''Malcolm:''' Yes, she was a great laugh occasionally, great dancer, she's got terrific hair. She did a good job at DoSAC. A much better job than her successor, who, let's not forget, was playing on a slide when the news of Mr. Tickle's... :'''Simon Weir:''' Yeah, thank you. :'''Malcolm:''' ...death came out. :'''Simon Weir:''' Mr. Tucker, we're well-versed in the events surrounding the... :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. :'''Simon Weir:''' ...the death of Mr. Tickel. ''(beat)'' So, tell me, the PFI email that, uh, led to the, to the resignation of Nicola Murray. Did you, did you engineer that? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(takes a long pause...)'' No. No. ''(beat)'' No I didn't. :'''Simon Weir:''' And, uh, the leaking of Mr. Tickel's health records? Do I mean, do I detect your hand in-in that, for instance? :'''Malcolm:''' No no no no. Look, politics is a war. And politicians, sometimes they lose idealogical limbs, right? They get media shrapnel right in the face. Sometimes they get a bullet right in the brain. Civilians, no. There is no way that I would ever attack a civilian, a real person, and especially not somebody with a history of mental illness. Because ''that'' sort of thing -- makes me queasy. :'''Simon Weir:''' So you're a "ethical" leaker, if you will? :'''Malcolm:''' I use leaking to show up corruption, to show up hypocrisy, to show up idiocy, and also the fourth horseman of the political apocalypse, duplicity. For instance: Fergus Williams. He's coming up next, right? :'''Simon Weir:''' Mmm-hmm. :'''Malcolm:''' This is a guy, he's a member of the junior party in this coalition, right? This guy has already opened a private channel to Dan Miller, the Leader of the Opposition. In order to talk about possibly setting up a coalition with him, because he knows very well that this coalition government that he is lumbered with is being torn to pieces like a bread stick at a picnic. :'''Lord Goolding:''' ''(very upset)'' Mr. Tucker, you have just used this inquiry to commit a leak in front of us! :'''Malcolm:''' I have not committed a leak. Everybody in Westminster knows that these talks have taken place, everyone. You're supposed to be investigating this. You're supposed to be discovering this stuff. Now you cannot not know what I or anyone else tell you, right, you can't not know that. You cannot not know what you now know. :'''Lord Goolding:''' Mr. Tucker, are you familiar with the rules of association football? :'''Malcolm:''' Well, I understand that if you're gonna have an affair, you'd better take precautions, like getting a superinjuction. :'''Lord Goolding:''' ''(sternly)'' I ask you, because this is me giving you a yellow card. You are not to use this inquiry to score political points. :'''Malcolm:''' Sorry, I'm, I apologize. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Fergus Williams takes his turn giving testimony in front of the inquiry.)'' :'''Matthew Hodge:''' ''(to Fergus)'' Did you see Mr. Malcolm Tucker's evidence earlier? :'''Fergus:''' Uh, yeah, I-Uh, uh, I saw it out of the, out of the corner of my eye. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Would you like me to read what he said about you? :'''Fergus:''' Uh, no, that's fine, that was the bit that I saw. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Embarrassing, I imagine? :'''Fergus:''' ''(emabarrassed, but gathering himself)'' Uh, no, not at all. It was, um, almost, uh, flattering, yeah...uh, to get, uh, to get "Tuckered." It's a, it's a rite of passage in-in-in, in politics. Happens to all of us. It's, you know, it's like when you're in a Russian jail, you get your face tattooed. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Mr. Tucker mentioned meetings between you and the Leader of the Opposition. Did these take place? :'''Fergus:''' ''(after a pause)'' They did, yes. Er, myself and, uh, Adam were part of a team who had very general, noncommittal discussions with, amongst others, Mr. Miller. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' And you discussed a potential future coalition with his party and the removal of your own party leader, is that correct? :'''Fergus:''' ''(taken aback)'' Sorry, could I possibly answer that question with another question? I mean, not that question I'm just asking, but a further question? :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Go on. :'''Fergus:''' You do realise that ''you're'' being spun here, you do see that? :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Spun? :'''Fergus:''' 'Cause, you know, Malcolm Tucker's not your common or garden spin doctor, right? No, he's the-he's...he's the chief medical officer of spin – he is Spinoza, you see? So he, he didn't come here in order to answer your questions, he came here in order to get ''you'' to then ask ''his'' questions. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Yeah, right, Mr. Williams, I don't want you to answer a question with another question, I want you to answer it with an answer. :'''Fergus:''' I mean, he's conducting you like, um – Goldie. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Did you talk to Mr. Miller about removing your party leader? :'''Fergus:''' ''(in disbelief)'' Sorry, are you getting Tucker's questions sort of beamed straight into your brain? :'''Lord Goolding:''' ''(firmly)'' Mr. Williams. :''(A short time later...)'' :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Finally, um, on the subject of frustration, would you say it's difficult to steer policy ideas through your department? :'''Fergus:''' ''(stumbling in his testimony)'' Uh, yes, there are, uh...blockages. Uh, there is one person in particular and, well, you know, I don't want to identify her -- or him, if she was a man. Uh, but this particular person, uh, is rather inept and has hampered a lot of our initiatives. And she, or her, or him is, um...very difficult to remove. And so she's a, he is a...they are a stubborn blockage, shall we say, like, you know, when you get hair and soap in a-in a-in a plughole with skin flakes. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' ''(reassuring)'' Thank you. Thank you, Mr. Williams. That's, that's fine. :'''Fergus:''' Sorry, can I just say... :'''Lord Goolding:''' We are very pressed for time, I'm afraid. :'''Fergus:''' Yeah, but I really didn't want the last thing I said... :'''Lord Goolding:''' I'm sorry. :'''Fergus:''' ...to be "skin flakes." :'''Lord Goolding:''' Thank you. <hr width="50%"/> :''(And now, Peter Mannion is discussing Douglas Tickel with the Goolding Inquiry.)'' :'''Simon Weir:''' Uh, when did you first become aware of, uh, Mr. Tickel? :'''Peter:''' When he became the only, um, key worker to refuse our offer of alternative accommodation. Uh, then he sort of dropped off my radar. The next thing I knew he was sewing badges on his tent, and, uh, shouting abuse through a loud hailer. :'''Simon Weir:''' Did you ever feel yourself to be culpable in any way for his, for his homelessness? :'''Peter:''' Look, he-he was homeless only in the sense that he had no home, erm – ''(There are chuckles from the gallery. Peter briefly turns round to them.)'' No, no, a [[wikipedia:Housing_association|Housing Association]] flat was found, which he-he declined. The ''policy'' didn't make him homeless. :'''Lord Goolding:''' The policy of selling off the block of flats where he lived. :'''Peter:''' He made a positive decision to be homeless. It's the difference between being punched in the face and punching yourself in the face. :'''Simon Weir:''' Erm – Why do you think, to use your phrase, he, uh, he punched himself in the face? :'''Peter:''' ''(stammering)'' Why? Well, because he was mentally, er – because he, he, he had, er, mental issues. :'''Simon Weir:''' The email leaked to ''The Guardian,'' uh, which you'll find on pages, uh, 276 to 277 in the-in the evidence...uh, one of your advisers describes Mr. Tickel as, um, "fucking [[wikipedia:Florence Nightingale|Florence Shiteingale]]." Do you not feel that's, uh, a little callous? :'''Peter:''' (dismissively)'' This is-this is, er, rough-and-tumble office banter, er, schoolboy showers stuff. And-and-and schoolgirl showers. Not that -- I mean, not-not literally, but... :''(A few moments later...)'' :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Are you familiar with the phrase "data smuggling"? :'''Peter:''' Data what? :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Um, passing on data from a closed system to an unauthorised source in exchange for money. :'''Peter:''' Oh, yes, right. I see, well it seems everyone's at it. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Are you at it, Mr. Mannion? :'''Peter:''' ''(scoffing)'' No, I'm-I'm-I'm not very good with technology. Uh, the Paper Mate pen is still cutting edge technology as far as I'm concerned. Writes upside-down, you know. :''(Matthew Hodge wants to discuss Douglas Tickel's death with Peter.)'' :'''Matthew Hodge:''' You've told the inquiry that you didn't feel, uh, at all guilty over Mr. Tickel's death. :'''Peter:''' ''(getting defensive)'' Well, I-I-I felt ''bad.'' But-but not ''guilty.'' I-I didn't kill him. I-I've never killed anyone. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Well, no. I mean, noted, but I mean, do you think you could have made a difference, uh, if you had been contactable that day? :'''Peter:''' Why? He wasn't trying to call ''me'', I mean, I-I'm not the [[wikipedia:Samaritans_(charity)|Samaritans]]. In fact, um, uh, apparently, tonally, I-I have a very depressing voice. :''(But WAIT, Peter -- there's more questions!)'' :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Mr. Mannion, do you know Mr. Alistair Leyton, a senior executive at ''The Times''? :'''Peter:''' Yes. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Did you ring Mr. Leyton on the 25th of April to tell him that Mr. Tickel's medical records had been unlawfully obtained, and that this might form the basis of an explosive news story? :'''Peter:''' Did I, uh, ring him on that day, do you mean? I -- Well, I-I can't remember. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Well, did you ring him on any day telling him? :'''Peter:''' ''(trying to assert himself)'' Look, I came into politics to make a difference, to-to ''dare'', to-to get things done, not-not to ''leak'' things, or-or, or ''spin'' or, or ''blag'' or-or...''smuggle'', but-but to ''serve'' with honest, hard work, to ''do''. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' And did you do something? Did you contact your friend at ''The Times''? :'''Peter:''' No, I-I-I didn't do that. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Simon Weir:''' Perhaps we could start by just giving us an idea of what a special adviser does? :'''Emma:''' Erm, er, well, technically, essentially, we just advise a minister. Erm, sort of, media strategies, political strategies, that sort of thing. :'''Simon Weir:''' But you're not permanent members of the Civil Service? :'''Phil:''' Er, no, they're like the, er, the worker ants. We're more like, er – well, not the queens, that would be Peter Mannion and, to a lesser extent, Fergus Williams – we're more like the soldier ants that defend the queens. :'''Simon Weir:''' Would you like to add anything, Mr. Kenyon? :'''Adam:''' Yes, I'm not sure that the ant analogy helps, at all. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Mr. Smith, how would you characterise your relationship with Mr. Kenyon? :'''Phil:''' Well, I think, when you get two silverbacks like Adam and I in a room, there's always going to be a certain amount of chest-beating, but, erm, there's a mutual respect. :''(During Phil's answer, Adam embarrassingly puts his head in his hand.)'' :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Would you agree, Mr. Kenyon? :'''Adam:''' Yes. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Baroness Sureka:''' You yourselves were subject to a leak, weren't you, in the ''Guardian''? How did you feel about the email containing your thoughts about Mr. Tickel's death? :'''Adam:''' Erm, it was shameful, and it was insensitive – :'''Emma:''' Absolutely. :'''Adam:''' – and we would like to apologise for that. It's dreadful. :'''Emma:''' I agree, ''(points to Adam and Phil)'' I mean, their comments were absolutely... unforgivable, mortifying. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' ''(reading)'' 'How many Mr. Tickles does it take to [[wikipedia:Lightbulb_joke|change a light bulb]]? He doesn't have a light bulb, he's in a tent.' 'How do you turn Mr. Tickle into Mr. Happy? [[wikipedia:Lithium_(medication)|Lithium]].' 'What's the difference between Mr. Tickle and [[wikipedia:Lawrence_Oates|Captain Oates]]? Captain Oates has a less stupid name.' Erm, and one I feel that is particularly cruel, Miss Messinger, given Mr. Tickel's mental health issues: 'The fucker's a nutbag'. :'''Emma:''' I'm sor-– It-– That is not okay. Sorry. :'''Phil:''' If I could add a ''mea culpa'' here rather than dancing around it? Others may choose to attempt to wriggle off the hook of shame, but, um, I cannot, I cannot deny that my name is on those emails, and yet I do not recognise that man. It is me, and yet, it is another, and for that I am truly sorry. This has been a humbling moment in my quest to become the man I know I can be. <hr width="50%" /> :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Very good to see you this morning, Infamous Terri Coverley. ''(Terri laughs.)'' Why are you smiling? :'''Terri:''' I'm not smiling. Or rather, I'm smiling, but it's something I do when I'm nervous, erm – :'''Matthew Hodge:''' You have a guilty conscience? :'''Terri:''' No no, no no. No, I don't have a guilty conscience but I do have a guilty face, erm – I do blush a lot and that's a circulation thing, not a moral thing, though I do ''act'' guilty, erm – When I was a child, erm, my brother's hamster was put into a remote control aeroplane, tragic consequences, and, erm, unfortunately I was blamed for that, although I had nothing to do with it, it was that I just looked guilty, so I would ask you to bear that in mind. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Can you explain to us how communications works in government? :'''Terri:''' Well, erm, I use an analogy. Erm, I like to think that dealing with the press is not so much herding ''cats'', it's more herding sheep, and I am the shepherdess, erm, if you like, it's – In order to be an efficient shepherdess, one needs a number of things, I mean – Firstly, one needs a whistle. That's my voice. Secondly, one needs a coat, and that's my coat. And thirdly, one needs a dog, and that in my case is a lady called Robyn.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Simon Weir:''' Would you say that there is a culture of bullying within DoSAC? If I could ask you first, Ms Murdoch. :'''Robyn:''' Erm, I'd say there was a culture of bullying ''me'' at DoSAC. :'''Simon Weir:''' You've experienced bullying there? :'''Robyn:''' Well, you know, I see them all standing around, you know, chattering like squirrels on Red Bull, and when I ask them what they're talking about, they usually bark a tea order at me; or, you know, or call me, er, the blonde bombshite, if I can use that word, or some other horrible sweary thing. :'''Simon Weir:''' That's the form the bullying takes? :'''Robyn:''' And if you refuse to make your boss's tea, you know, they call you [[wikipedia:Mariella_Frostrup|Mariella Shitstrop]]. Or [[wikipedia:Nancy_Sinatra|Flouncy Sinatra]], which doesn't even really work! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Ollie Reeder is ready to deliver his testimony in the inquiry, but first, Lord Goolding makes an important announcement.)'' :'''Lord Goolding:''' As you can see, Baroness Sureka is not with us and will remain absent while she deals with the personal allegations published in ''The Sunday Times.'' This in no way invalidates this inquiry, nor does it compromise the integrity of any questioning conducted by Baroness Sureka. Mr. Hodge. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Thank you. ''(to Ollie)'' Uh, Oliver Reeder, you were a senior adviser to Nicola Murray during her time as Secretary of State at DoSAC. :'''Ollie:''' Yup. I was, uh, ''the'' senior adviser. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Very good, and when Ms. Murray became Leader of the Opposition, uh, you were also one of her senior advisers? :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, again, ''the,'' the senior adviser, yeah. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' I see, and now you're a senior adviser to Mr. Dan Miller? :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, yeah, a slightly less pivotal role with, with Dan, but part of this, kind of, a larger pivot, really. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Mmm-hmm, thank you. Uh, Mr. Reeder, they say that in politics, knowledge is power. :'''Ollie:''' True, yes. Although that doesn't mean that Carol Vorderman should be, uh, Prime Minister. Er...Or I should've, or maybe I should say Stephen Fry, 'cause Carol's just maths, but yeah. :'''Simon Weir:''' You've known, um, Malcolm Tucker for, for, for some years now. :'''Ollie:''' Yes I have, yes. :'''Simon Weir:''' He seems like, uh, an intimidating person. Is he? :'''Ollie:''' Uh, well, I mean, not, not to me. :'''Simon Weir:''' No? :'''Ollie:''' No. Uh, no. Uh, no, although he doesn't, he doesn't suffer fools gladly, I think that's fair to say. Or clever people, to be honest. :'''Simon Weir:''' So he's never, uh, bullied you? :'''Ollie:''' ''(smiling)'' Well, do I-do I look like I could be bullied by Mr. Tucker? I...No. :'''Simon Weir:''' Could you turn to Tab 9? You'll find it in your, in your folder there. Yeah. Um, we have some, uh, some quotes here: Some, uh, evidence of-from several civil servants who all independently suggest that, uh, Mr. Tucker, in fact, regularly ''did'' bully you. 'Mr. Tucker threatened to remove Mr. Reeder's appendix, throw away Mr. Reeder, and appoint the useless flap of colon as special adviser.' :'''Ollie:''' Yeah. Well that's – yes. ''(laughs)'' That's banter. :'''Simon Weir:''' 'Mr. Tucker told Mr. Reeder that he would have him smothered, eviscerated, stuffed, ''(Ollie laughs)'' fitted with wheels, and donated to an orphanage.' :'''Ollie:''' That's, what – 'Cause this is out of context, what you don't have there is my reply. And so, you know, it's just him. :'''Simon Weir:''' And what was that? :'''Ollie:''' Er – Well, I don't remember what it was on this occasion, but it would have been a, you know, it would have been a zinger, because I gave as good as I got, so... :'''Simon Weir:''' Very good. :'''Ollie:''' So it's not bullying. :'''Simon Weir:''' Is there anything about the leaking of the so-called, uh, PFI email that you feel that this inquiry should, should be aware of? :'''Ollie:''' Oh God, um...I mean, I'm...I mean, to be brutally frank, I'm struggling to remember here, but... :'''Simon Weir:''' Well, please take your time. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, of course. :'''Simon Weir:''' There's no hurry. :'''Ollie:''' Of course, yeah. I mean, I think, you know, what you have to remember in this instance is that on the day that all of that stuff took place, um, I was in hospital. So I'm, you know, I was cut off, essentially. I didn't have a phone... :'''Simon Weir:''' I mean, I hadn't mentioned, uh, the use of a phone, I mean... :'''Ollie:''' Yes, no, I know. I'm simply saying I was... :'''Simon Weir:''' You weren't working remotely from the hospital? :'''Ollie:''' ''(stammering)'' No, no, not remotely. Um, uh...In-in-in either sense. No. :'''Simon Weir:''' Did you have any visitors? :'''Ollie:''' Erm... :'''Simon Weir:''' You must be able to remember that. :''(Ollie's still drawing a blank.)'' :'''Lord Goolding:''' Well, if you're not completely sure, Mr. Reeder, we can always check with the visitors' records. :'''Ollie:''' Well, don't -- let's not do that, um, let's not do that for the moment. Let me just...just give-bear with me. Er...but I...did, yes. I think I was visited by, um, by colleagues from the office. :'''Lord Goolding:''' Can you give us a name? :'''Ollie:''' Um...Uh, Malcolm is a name, is, um...is his name. Malcolm's name. Malcolm. Malcolm Tucker visited me. :'''Simon Weir:''' Um, I'm assuming this wasn't a social visit. What did, uh...What did he want? What did Mr. Tucker want? :'''Ollie:''' ''(getting anxious again)'' He wanted to...Wait, okay...I mean, I'm really-I'm -- I'm anxious, I'm keen, I'm trying my best to answer your, uh, questions truthfully, but... :'''Simon Weir:''' I should remind you you are under oath, Mr. -- :'''Ollie:''' Absolutely, yes, I'm under oath, so this is...But, but...uh, what you have to understand is everybody has something on everyone here, right? So in this circumstance, if you inadvertently say or do something, um, uh, you know, that you shouldn't, then that's it. That's it, that's it. It's done. Your career is done. You know, look what happened to, um, a member of this inquiry, right? So you have to... :'''Lord Goolding:''' Mr. Reeder, this is not the place to discuss those allegations. :'''Ollie:''' No, of course, of course. :'''Simon Weir:''' Mr. Reeder, if you feel -- You feel under pressure, am I right? Is that because of something that you know? :'''Ollie:''' ''(still stammering)'' Yes. Well, no. Uh -- General pressure, I feel under a sort of -- Just that, it's the jitters of work. :'''Lord Goolding:''' Who leaked the email, Mr. Reeder? :'''Ollie:''' Glenn Cullen. Er, he was in DoSAC at the time and he, uh, still had access to the email and he hated his life. And he, he, you know, he hated Nicola Murray because she'd previously destroyed his chances of standing as an MP. :'''Lord Goolding:''' Most helpful, Glenn Cullen is our next witness. Most interesting, thank you. :'''Ollie:''' Oh, well, okay. :'''Lord Goolding:''' That's fine, thank you. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Baroness Sureka has successfully returned to the inquiry, and Glenn Cullen is ready to give his testimony.)'' :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Mr. Cullen. I wonder if I could start by taking you back to that time two years ago, you left Nicola Murray and you went to work for Fergus Williams. :'''Glenn:''' Yes, yes I did, that's right. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' And then you found yourself, um, in a coalition with the very party that you opposed. That must have been extremely distressing. :'''Glenn:''' Uh, no, not at all, as a matter of fact. I-I was very invigorated by the idea of, uh, trying to forge a new way in politics. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Mmm-hmm, so all was rosy? :'''Glenn:''' Well, um -- I can't think of any negatives. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' No friction? :'''Glenn:''' No, the only "F" word was "Fun." :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Thank you, Mr. Cullen. Thank you. :'''Simon Weir:''' Uh, Mr. Cullen, would you say there's a culture of leaking in the government? :'''Glenn:''' Yes, I would. Yes, leaking and lying. :'''Simon Weir:''' To your knowledge, have any of your colleagues lied to this inquiry? :'''Glenn:''' Well, I mean, that's a bit like asking, you know, um -- "Does a cow drink milk?" :'''Simon Weir:''' Does it? :'''Glenn:''' Probably. But what I meant to say was, yes, um, my colleagues lie constantly. It's a...professional necessity. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Have you ever leaked, Mr. Cullen? :'''Glenn:''' First of all, may I just say, uh, welcome back, Baroness Sureka. Big hugs. I'm sure I speak for everyone here when I say that we're all thinking of you... :'''Baroness Sureka:''' I'd rather you, um, swapped the ham-fisted flattery for actually answering my question, which was, "Have you ever leaked?" :'''Glenn:''' Right. No, it's a very simple question and it's got a very simple answer. No, I haven't. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Um, you'll be aware of Ollie Reeder's testimony to the inquiry where he said that, uh, you were, in fact, responsible for the PFI leak. :'''Glenn:''' Yes I am. ''(Glenn quickly corrects himself.)'' By which I mean to say I am aware of, of that. But gosh, you've got to be careful what you say here, haven't you? :'''Matthew Hodge:''' You most certainly do, Mr. Cullen. Let's hope we're both up to it. Is there any truth at all to Mr. Reeder's accusations? :'''Glenn:''' Absolutely none whatsoever. He's talking out of hi -- Out of his other cheeks, if you... :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Why would Oliver Reeder suggest that you were behind the PFI email leak, then? :'''Glenn:''' I've absolutely no idea. It's very difficult for me to get into the mindset of somebody so entirely self-serving and, um...spiritually ugly. I mean, anyone who's been unfortunate enough to have come across Ollie Reeder will know that he is a genuinely...atrocious person. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Do you believe Mr. Reeder was trying to cover himself, in that case? :'''Glenn:''' Well, I do believe he has the emotional tools for the task. Yes, certainly. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Do you believe that Ollie Reeder was behind the leak? :'''Glenn:''' ''(after a long pause...)'' No. You see...a-a leak of this magnitude would require one essential item that Ollie lacks. And that's a spine. He is a man without a spine. He is a man-worm. He's a writhing mollusk without any strategies or convictions. He-he simply slimes his way into the nearest crack every night, and I would like to put on record that I apologize to this committee for being the man who brought him into the world of politics. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lord Goolding:''' Thank you for returning to this inquiry, Mr. Tucker. :'''Malcolm:''' That's no problem. I had a hair appointment, but I think they can fit me in next week. :'''Lord Goolding:''' There's no need to be so flippant about this inquiry. :'''Malcolm:''' Well, it's just, you know, you keep asking me the same questions, I can't really help it if you don't like the answers. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Maybe you can try a little harder in answering. I'm amazed you stayed at the top of politics for quite so long with such apparently poor powers of recall. :'''Malcolm:''' Well, maybe it's my age – it's good to see you back, by the way. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' ''(sarcastically)'' Thank you, nice to see you too. :'''Lord Goolding:''' At your last appearance at this inquiry, you admitted that you have leaked, is that correct? :'''Malcolm:''' Well, everyone leaks: many many people who have appeared here in front of you have leaked, but they've just lied about it to you. :'''Simon Weir:''' Mr. Tucker, that's an incredibly serious charge; do you have any evidence to substantiate that allegation? :'''Malcolm:''' Will you forgive me if I don't do your job for you? Because if you can't spot a sprayed-on halo of someone doing a "what, me guv?" panto act, then maybe you shouldn't be sitting behind that desk. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' At your last appearance we asked you very specifically how you came by Mr. Tickel's NHS number and National Insurance number, and you could not recall. Have you had any more time to think about it? :'''Malcolm:''' Yes, I have. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' And could you tell us any more? :'''Malcolm:''' No. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' You've got no recollection at all? :'''Malcolm:''' No. And by the way, you should not be talking to me about this because you've been a victim of leaking, a very unfortunate victim, and I have every sympathy with you, but how can you possibly give me a fair hearing when you've been a victim of the very crime that you are accusing me of? You are prejudiced; this entire inquiry, therefore, is prejudiced. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' I can see what you're doing, it smacks of desperation and it will not work. :'''Malcolm:''' Does it? No, listen, there you go again, see, that's you, you're just rushing to judgement. You are totally discredited here. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' I am obliged to remind you, Mr. Tucker, that you are under oath, and if you lie to this inquiry, it may result in a criminal prosecution. :'''Malcolm:''' Sorry, please don't insult my intelligence by acting as if you're all so naive that you don't know how this all works. Everybody in this room has bent the rules to get in here, because you don't get in this room without bending the rules. You don't get to where ''you'' are without bending the rules, that's the way it is. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Mr. Tucker, I am going to give you one more chance to respond to my question. How did you acquire Mr. Tickel's NHS number and his National Insurance number? :'''Malcolm:''' Who said I acquired it? :'''Baroness Sureka:''' A photograph. :'''Malcolm:''' No no, the photograph shows me holding it. It doesn't show me acquiring it. You'd have to ask the person that gave me the folder. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Who gave you the folder? :'''Malcolm:''' I don't remember. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' You are being deliberately evasive. :'''Malcolm:''' ... I – I don't recall, you know, I don't know, I can't remember. :'''Lord Goolding:''' Very well. Regardless of how you came by Mr. Tickel's mental health records, did you then leak them to the media? :'''Malcolm:''' I can't recall. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' So that's not a denial? :'''Malcolm:''' ''Je ne remember rien.'' :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Well, if you can't recall, it leaves open the possibility that you did leak them. :'''Malcolm:''' Let me tell you this. The whole planet's leaking, everybody is leaking! You know? Everyone's spewing up their guts onto the internet, putting up their relationship status and photos of their [[wikipedia:Vajazzle|vajazzles]]! We've come to a point where there are people, ''millions'' of people, who are quite happy to trade a kidney in order to go on television! And to show people their knickers, to show people their skid marks, and then complain to ''[[wikipedia:OK!|OK!]]'' magazine about a breach of privacy! The exchange of private information – that is what drives our economy. But, you come after me because you can't arrest a landmass, can you? You can't cuff a country. You might as well just go and – you can't lynch that guy there, can you? But you decide that you can sit there, you can judge and you can ogle me like a [[wikipedia:Page_3|Page 3]] girl. You don't like it? Well, you don't like yourself. You don't like your species, and you know what? Neither do I, but how ''dare'' you come and lay this at my door! How ''dare'' you blame ME -- for THIS! Which is the result of a political class, which has given up on morality and simply pursues popularity at all costs. I am you and you are me. :'''Lord Goolding:''' Are you finished? :'''Malcolm:''' Ah, I'm finished anyway. You didn't finish me. :'''Lord Goolding:''' Would you like to stand down? :'''Malcolm:''' ''(getting up and walking out)'' Thanks, m'Lord.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Simon Weir:''' Although you did previously describe yourself as a shepherdess. ''(Robyn laughs)'' Now, did you have something to add to that? :'''Robyn:''' I just – Shepherdess, did she say – ''(to Terri)'' Did you say shepherdess? :'''Terri:''' Yes, I was giving an analogy – I mean, to be fair, erm, perhaps it would have been more accurate for me to describe myself as a sheep in shepherdess's clothing. Do you follow? :'''Simon Weir:''' Er, no, not completely, no. :'''Robyn:''' The shepherdess analogy's floored him.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Your own privacy is important to you. :'''Stewart:''' Yeah, absolutely, I have a meditation room at home. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' Well, you know, I think we all have one of those at home. :''(all chuckle)'' :'''Stewart:''' Oh, right, er – do you mean a toilet? Yeah, 'cause I'm talking about a dedicated meditation room. :'''Baroness Sureka:''' I see. :'''Stewart:''' Although it did actually use to be a toilet, it made it easier to plumb in the waterfall.<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Matthew Hodge:''' In less figurative terms, what is the nature of your job? :'''Terri:''' Well, I don't like to toot my own trumpet, as they say, but I like to think of myself as God: erm, I fashion DoSAC in mine own image, er, to quote the Bible. ''(looks for the Bible on her desk)'' Erm, that's in the Bible, isn't it? :'''Matthew Hodge:''' Sorry, what exactly do you mean? :'''Lord Goolding:''' I'm not sure I follow you. :'''Terri:''' Oh, well I'm – Sorry. Erm, I'm a translator. Um, I translate, from the outside world, things that come into the department, and vice versa. :'''Lord Goolding:''' So are you saying you change what you hear? You manipulate? :'''Terri:''' No no no, it's a bit, erm – ''[[wikipedia:Songs_of_Praise|Songs of Praise]]''. There's a deaf and dumb lady doing deaf and dumb language. :'''Lord Goolding:''' Sign language? :'''Terri:''' Yes, well it's like that, I take the ugly words, and I translate them, as it were, into a beautiful gesture. :'''Matthew Hodge:''' If I'm to understand you correctly, you stop information going to and from your department, and you change what that information is. :'''Terri:''' No no no, I ''didn't'', I didn't say that – :'''Matthew Hodge:''' No, on the contrary, you ''did'' say that. :'''Terri:''' No, er –<hr width="50%" /> :''(deleted scene)'' :'''Lord Goolding:''' You can understand how suspicion might fall upon you, given your antipathy to Mrs. Murray as a leader. :'''Malcolm:''' Nicola's real name is 'If Wet Nicola Murray'; if she worked for the West End, her name would always be preceded by the words, 'Tonight the role of Mary Poppins will be taken by' Nicola Murray. Because she's basically an understudy who got lucky, she got on, she got to play the lead. But she wet herself, she was too frightened, and she went home crying, you know; it happens. ==Series 4, Episode 7== :''(In this scene, the phone in Peter's office keeps running, and he keeps picking up the phone -- only to hang up without really answering. While he's doing this, Phil enters Peter's office.)'' :'''Peter:''' Look, Phil. Every petty criminal in the country is in a holding pattern, because that barrel of cocks at the Home Office can't process their arrests quick enough. ''(Peter disconnects his phone.)'' So why am I the one who has to gimp himself out all day to Martha Kearney and Eddie Mair? :'''Phil:''' Because since the inquiry, DoSAC looks toxic and weak, and they're just trying to pile all the government's ills on top of us. :'''Peter:''' Who's fault's that, Phil? :'''Phil:''' I've said I'm sorry about the inquiry, okay? I started writing you a letter but it just seemed pretentious. Look, if it's any consolation, I haven't felt that humiliated since my trunks fell down at the school [[wikipedia:Swimming_gala|swimming gala]]. :'''Peter:''' It's of absolutely no consolation to think of you naked in front of 500 boys. :'''Emma:''' ''(walking in, on her phone)'' Yeah, absolutely, Trevor. OK, yeah, drinks soon. Yeah, you too. OK, bye. ''(hangs up)'' Oh, God! I just felt my ovaries cringe. I'm trying to flirt our way out of this police backlog.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Phil:''' I thought we weren't talking to [[wikipedia:The_Proclaimers|The Proclaimers]]. :'''Peter:''' We have to play happy families for Mary, pretend I don't actually want to strangle Fergus's bollocks so they look like glacé cherries. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Emma:''' You are telling me that you have been running parts of this country, Terri. What the fuck are you trying to do, [[wikipedia:2012_phenomenon|prove the Mayans right]]? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Malcolm:''' Meanwhile, an unarrested feral underclass has gone [[wikipedia:Mad_Max_(franchise)|Mad Max]], and police station waiting rooms are heaving like the hedgehog carvery at a gypsy wedding.<hr width="50%" /> :'''Stewart:''' Ah, Peter. This ''[[Wars of the Roses|War of the Roses]]'' with the Home Office? It ends now. We want a united realm. There's no vision in division. :'''Peter:''' Well, yes there is; ''(looks to Fergus's office)'' anyway, tell [[wikipedia:Perkin_Warbeck|Perkin Warbeck]] over there. :'''Stewart:''' OK people, could we briefly form a coherent group? :'''Terri:''' Mary Drake is in the building, she's on her way up. :'''Stewart:''' OK...Shields up, guys; Centurions, we're forming a [[wikipedia:Testudo_formation|tortoise]]. :''(Adam approaches Terri, and he's holding a ThinkSocially pamphlet in his hand.)'' :'''Adam:''' ''(to Terri)'' Okay. Terri, ThinkSocially. Did I sign off on this? Because I hadn't heard of ThinkSocially until I said it just then. :'''Terri:''' Okay, uh... :'''Adam:''' So what is it? :'''Terri:''' Simple explanation. :'''Adam:''' Love to hear it. :''(But as Terri gets ready to explain, Mary Drake from the Home Office has arrived at DoSAC...and she's not happy.)'' :'''Peter:''' ''(moaning)'' Oh, God. Here-Here's Mary. Bunch up, everyone, so she doesn't see the corpses. :''(Peter then hides in his office.)'' :'''Emma:''' Look, synchronize lies, all right? ''(Emma approaches Mary and shakes her hand.)'' Mary, hi. Hi, Emma, we met at the away day. I so enjoyed our, our mood play. :'''Mary:''' Yes, you actually did, didn't you? ''(to Terri)'' Oh, you must be the legendary Terri. ''(Mary shakes Terri's hand)'' I've heard a great deal about you. :'''Terri:''' Oh, oh, please, don't, uh, don't believe everything that you hear. :'''Mary:''' ''(sharply)'' I fully intend not to. ''(to Stewart)'' Stewart. Chakras balanced? :'''Fergus:''' Uh, sorry. Tiny bit of, uh, housekeeping. ''(to Terri)'' Terri, um, uh, ThinkSocially? Uh, just checking in on that. :'''Terri:''' Yes. Yes, it's a go thing. Double-stamped, yes. :''(Peter emerges from his office and greets Mary with an uneasy smile.)'' :'''Peter:''' Mary! Great to see you again. :'''Mary:''' ''(flatly)'' I'm here in an angry capacity. :'''Peter:''' Ah! The cream in our coffee, Mary. :'''Mary:''' ''(to all)'' The message from the Home Office is this: Move away from the backlog. There's nothing to see. Let the police do their jobs, let us do ours. :'''Fergus:''' Sorry to be, uh, ''contrary,'' Mary, but Peter and I have just been discussing this very issue. :'''Mary:''' Shut up! Let me tell you something now: DoSAC is one rat's whisker away from being shut down and subsumed by the Home Office, and put in charge of cocking up the tea run! And I like mine weak, and white. Like my men. ''(leaves)'' :'''Peter:''' Stewart, any thoughts from within your fucking dream yurt? :'''Stewart:''' I will go and try and de-frag this situation, but I am staying strictly macro. ''(leaves)'' :'''Adam:''' Subtitles, you need subtitles! :'''Fergus:''' ''(to Terri)'' Sorry, erm, ThinkSocially. Terri, would you mind explaining ''rationally'' why I appear to be giving a ringing endorsement to a piece of shit that I've never even heard of? :'''Terri:''' It's not my fault, it's the-it's the double-stamping nonsense, that's the reason. :'''Adam:''' Oh, really? Because right now, I want to double-stamp on your fucking throat. :'''Terri:''' I'm gonna take that seriously as a physical threat! :'''Adam:''' You know, one of the many many things that baffles me about you is you remain unmurdered! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Ollie is entering Malcolm's office.)'' :'''Ollie:''' M. Tucker. :'''Malcolm:''' Ollie. Um...We need to have a little chat. :'''Ollie:''' You're not splitting up with me, are you? Because I'm pregnant and it's quads, so, you know...You're not laughing. :'''Malcolm:''' Well, I'm laughing on the inside. Which is a tad ironic, because I'm leaving here in five minutes to get arrested. :'''Ollie:''' Hang on. Sorry...Uh, you're gonna be arrested at the exact same time that Dan Miller's doing his Lewisham walkabout? :'''Malcolm:''' Yeah. But I'm going to Brentford where nobody will be watching me, because they'll all be with him. :'''Ollie:''' So, the Leader of the Opposition is going to be filmed at a police station at the exact moment that his Head of Communications is being arrested. Yes, okay, great, great, so that's a sack full of face-chewing rats, thank you very much. :'''Malcolm:''' Look, it's – This is what you have to deal with, right? It's just another day at the fuck office. :'''Ollie:''' So now I have to step into your shoes, but ''after'' you've shat in them. :'''Malcolm:''' Ollie, look at me! I'm not pulling anything out of a magic hat. The rabbits are falling to pieces, their fucking heads are coming off and frightening the kids. So somebody else is going to have to help out. :'''Ollie:''' Well, who says I even want to be you, Malcolm? Who says that? :'''Malcolm:''' Nobody says that. Except every screaming atom of that etiolated stick of fuck you call a body says that. Every fibre of your being, every stamen...says that. But you are not me, Ollie. :'''Ollie:''' No. :'''Malcolm:''' And you never will be me. I knew Malcolm F. Tucker, sir...and you are no Malcolm Fucking Tucker. You're not even fucking Manchester's top Malcolm Tucker tribute band. And trying to be me? ''You?!'' Trying to be me will fucking kill you. I give you 18 months before you're a washed out, weeping, alcoholic. With no fucking bladder control. Sleeping on your brother-in-law's sofa. :'''Ollie:''' And so on, and so on. It doesn't have to be like that, now, Malcolm. Politics has actually changed, right? :'''Malcolm:''' Oh? :'''Ollie:''' Yeah, yeah! Yeah, and you probably haven't noticed because you've been on transmit for the last fucking eight years: "Wah wah wah wah wah!" And whilst you've been doing that, everybody else has been changing, and it's all a bit softcore now, it's all about algorithms now. You don't have to be Malcolm Tucker to sit in that chair. :'''Malcolm:''' Oh, how quickly they grow up. You fucking think you know me? :'''Ollie:''' Well, yeah. Yeah, I know you. :'''Malcolm:''' You know [[wikipedia:Jackie Chan|Jackie fucking Chan]] about me. YOU KNOW FUCK ALL ABOUT ME! ''I'' am totally beyond the realms of your fucking tousle-haired, fucking dimwitted compre-fucking-hension! I don’t just take this fucking job home, you know. I take this job home, it fucking ties me to the bed, and it fucking fucks me from arsehole to breakfast. Then it wakes me up in the morning with a cup full of ''piss'' slung in my face, slaps me about the chops, to make sure I’m awake enough so it can kick me in the fucking bollocks! This job has taken me in every hole in my fucking body! MALCOLM IS GONE, you can't know Malcolm, 'cause Malcolm is not here! Malcolm fucking left the building fucking years ago! This is a fucking husk! I am a fucking host for this fucking job! Do you want this job? :'''Ollie:''' ... Yes. :'''Malcolm:''' Yes! You ''do'' fucking want this job! Then you're gonna have to fucking swallow this whole fucking life and let it grow inside you like a parasite, getting bigger and bigger and bigger until it fucking eats your insides alive and it stares out of your eyes and tells you what to do! :'''Ollie:''' Malcolm, this sounds like the fucking video you leave on YouTube after you've blown your brains out! :'''Malcolm:''' I'm as dead as fucking [[wikipedia:Two-tone_(music_genre)|two-tone]]. But I can fashion my own exit. :'''Ollie:''' Oh, Christ. What, are you gonna [[wikipedia:Suicide_tourism#Switzerland|fly to Switzerland]] and have a wank off a nurse and a bye-bye pill, are you? :'''Malcolm:''' Funny, funny man. Political exit. :'''Ollie:''' No, I know. :'''Malcolm:''' I'm gonna leave the stage with my head held fucking high, right? What you're going to see is a masterclass in fucking dignity, son. The audience will be on their feet. "There he goes," they'll say. "No friends - no real friends - no children, no glory, no memoirs." ... Well, fuck them. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Nicola has discovered that Declan, the journalist due to interview her, is the man behind 'Mr Chop'!)'' :'''Nicola:''' I am, uh...ever so close to being on the verge of bawling my fucking eyes out' disappointed about this. I mean, this was it, was it? What was the alternative, going on Strictly Come Dancing and doing a fucking hooky waltz with [[wikipedia:Abu_Hamza_al-Masri|Abu Hamza]]? This is pretty low. This is lower than my mother's pelvic floor, Helen. :'''Helen:''' I had to virtually go on the game to get you this. So, frankly, I don't care whether he wants to roll around in applesauce with you. Get in there and do as you're told. :'''Nicola:''' ''(taking a breath)'' Right. I will go, because I'm choosing to go in. But I just need you to know for the record... :'''Helen:''' Just get in there before I push you in. <hr width="50%"/> :''(At [[wikipedia:Lewisham|Lewisham]] Police Station, where private contractors have reduced the arrest backlog.)'' :'''Dan:''' Ollie, what the fuck are we doing here? Everything's fine. I'm like lube at a funeral. :'''Ollie:''' Yeah. I can't believe it but DoSAC have actually turned this around, they've [[wikipedia:Apollo_13|Apollo 13]]'d it. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm and his lawyer are trying to get out of [[wikipedia:Brentford|Brentford]] Police Station. They come across a policeman escorting a prisoner.)'' :'''Malcolm:''' 'Scuse me, is there another way out of here? :'''Prisoner:''' You could hang yourself. :'''Malcolm:''' Fuck off! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm and his lawyer are running away from reporters to their taxi, but it drives off)'' :'''Malcolm:''' HEY! GET THE FUCK BACK HERE! ''(the taxi stops and they get in)'' Jesus Christ! Go! Go go go! ''(the taxi drives off)'' You fucking drive off like that again, and I'll stick your meter so far down your throat you'll be able to tell the price of your next ''shit''. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Glenn:''' Come out, everyone! Tally-ho, yoo-hoo! Come on, bring out your fucking dead! Right, everybody listen, I've got an announcement to make, erm... :'''Phil:''' What is it, you got an erection? :'''Glenn:''' No. I would like to tell you all that I'm resigning! :'''Phil:''' Is that it? :'''Glenn:''' No, you closeted [[wikipedia:Regency_era|Regency]] homosexual, that is not it. Morally, this department is in the gutter! :'''Fergus:''' Thanks for the speech, Glenn, but we have work – :'''Glenn:''' ''(grabs a desktop lamp)'' YOU STAY AND TAKE YOUR PUNISHMENT! I will lamp you, with a lamp! :'''Terri:''' Glenn, you've gone a tiny bit psychotic, my love. :'''Glenn:''' ''(puts down the lamp)'' You, Fergus, when you asked me to join you, all you had was your principles, but over the last two years, you've bent like a human fucking palm tree, swaying to the guff of these six-toed born-to-rule pony-fuckers. :'''Adam:''' If you're gonna go, just go. Spare us this [[Network (film)|Peter Finch bullshit]]. :'''Glenn:''' Oh! Adam, you're waiting for your turn! Oh no! I remember, it's your turn right now! :'''Adam:''' Brilliant. Bring it. :'''Glenn:''' You are simply the most loathsome human being I have ever met. :'''Adam:''' Yep. :'''Glenn:''' You were so well-suited at the ''Mail'', it's a shame you came over here! :'''Emma:''' Hear, hear! ''(she and Phil clap)'' :'''Glenn:''' Do you know what? I hate you both: [[wikipedia:Tweedledum_and_Tweedledee|Tweedle-twat and Tweedle-prick]]! You contribute absolutely ''nothing'' to the world, so thank fucking God you have ''no power!'' :'''Fergus:''' Er, we do actually, it's – :'''Glenn:''' No, you don't. And Peter: it's been dreadful. I hope your cock falls off. Phil, do you know what you are? You're like an eight-year-old trapped in a twelve-year-old's body. :'''Phil:''' ''(gleefully)'' This is great! Why isn't anyone filming this? :'''Glenn:''' And Emma. :'''Phil:''' Yeah, yeah, do Emma, do Emma! :'''Glenn:''' Yeah, Emma, I'm sorry, you're just a standard-issue insipid posh bitch. That's it! Terri? ''(takes a pair of scissors)'' :'''Phil:''' Oh, whoa, whoa. :'''Glenn:''' I don't think I've ever met anyone quite so proud, and yet quite so useless. But I do have to thank you, ''(takes his pass and cuts it up)'' because I have managed to stay in shape, purely though the energy I spend in pitying you every day! :'''Terri:''' Glenn, you're just embarrassing yourself. :'''Glenn:''' Fuck you all up the wrong 'un! Ta ta! Bye bye! ''(leaves)'' :'''Phil:''' That was better than IMAX ''[[Inception (film)|Inception]]''. :'''Emma:''' Poor, poor Glenn! :'''Peter:''' Should we try and get him back? :'''Emma:''' Fuck, no. He's gone completely mental! :'''Adam:''' He's gone Glenn-tal. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Malcolm's last line)'' :'''Malcolm:''' I want to say something. I want to say something! ''(long silence)'' It doesn't matter. <hr width="50%"/> :''(As the Team DoSAC Coalition is celebrating Malcolm's arrest -- with some booze, no less -- Mary Drake returns with some big news.)'' :'''Mary:''' ''(to Peter)'' Drinking on the job, Peter? Why not? You've already got the efficiency of a man who's half cut. :'''Peter:''' Oh, then I must have dreamt that, uh, my idea had ''successfully reduced the arrest backlog?'' :'''Mary:''' DoSAC did do rather well today, uh, actually. :'''Terri:''' Thank you. :'''Mary:''' But there's a conspicuous blockage that will lead to a personnel change. :''(Mary then turns to Stewart, who's sitting on the floor.)'' :'''Mary:''' ''(to Stewart)'' Stewart. You're out. You're gonna be pickled in a think tank. :'''Terri:''' What? :'''Stewart:''' ''(scoffing)'' Of course I am, Mary. And whose authority is this coming from, hmm? :'''Mary:''' The PM, whilst acknowledging the need for thoughts, is keener on actions these days. I'm gonna be providing those. Stewart, there's no need for you to clear your desk, because you're a walking thought pod, aren't you? :'''Stewart:''' ''(calm, but clearly unhappy)'' Absolutely. Thank you very much...Thanks, um... :''(But then, Stewart launches one last razor sharp parting shot.)'' :'''Stewart:''' You know, I've spent ''ten'' years detoxifying this party, hmmm? It's been a bit like renovating an old, old house, yeah? You can take out a sexist beam here, a callous window there, replace the odd homophobic roof tile. ''(Stewart finally gets up.)'' But after a while you realise that this renovation is doomed. Because the foundations are built on what I can only describe as a solid bed of ''cunts.'' <hr width="50%"/> :''(This is the show's closing line.)'' :'''Peter:''' What a shit day! == Cast == '''The Government''' * [[w:Peter Capaldi|Peter Capaldi]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Malcolm Tucker]] * [[w:Paul Higgins (actor)|Paul Higgins]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Jamie McDonald]] * [[w:Alex MacQueen|Alex MacQueen]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Julius Nicholson]] * [[w:Rebecca Front|Rebecca Front]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Nicola Murray]] * [[w:|Eve Matheson]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Clare Ballentine]] * [[w:Justin Edwards|Justin Edwards]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Ben Swain]] * [[w:Rory Kinnear|Rory Kinnear]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Ed]] * [[w:Tony Gardner|Tony Gardner]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Dan Miller]] * [[w:James Smith|James Smith]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Glenn Cullen]] * [[w:Chris Addison|Chris Addison]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Oliver "Ollie" Reeder]] * [[w:Rob Edwards|Rob Edwards]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Geoff Holhurst]] '''Her Majesty's Civil Service''' * [[w:Joanna Scanlan|Joanna Scanlan]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Terri Coverley]] * [[w:Polly Kemp|Polly Kemp]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Robyn Murdoch]] '''The Opposition''' * [[w:Vincent Franklin|Vincent Franklin]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Stewart Pearson]] * [[w:Roger Allam|Roger Allam]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Peter Mannion]] * [[w:Olivia Poulet|Olivia Poulet]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Emma Messinger]] * [[w:Will Smith (comedian)|Will Smith]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Phil Smith]] '''The Media''' * [[w:Ben Willbond|Ben Willbond]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Adam Kenyon]] * [[w:Lucinda Raikes|Lucinda Raikes]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Angela Heaney]] '''Former Characters''' * [[w:Chris Langham|Chris Langham]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Hugh Abbot]] * [[w:Tim Bentinck|Tim Bentinck]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Cliff Lawton]] * [[w:Martin Savage|Martin Savage]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Nick Hanway]] * [[w:Rebecca Gethings|Rebecca Gethings]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Helen Hatley]] * [[w:Geoffrey Streatfeild|Geoffrey Streatfeild]] — [[w:The Thick Of It|Fergus Williams]] == External links == {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title|id=0459159|title=The Thick Of It}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Thick of It, The}} [[Category:BBC shows]] [[Category:Cancelled shows]] [[Category:Political satirical TV shows]] [[Category:UK sitcoms]] [[Category:UK workplace comedy TV shows]] 79enmkg4krorf2lvfs922hzlb32q4na 0 115688 3153011 3146854 2022-08-09T22:06:01Z 108.4.139.227 /* J2 Revised [5.11] */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Jackie Chan Adventures|Jackie Chan Adventures]]''''' is a fictional animated children's television cartoon series that premiered on [[w:Kids' WB|Kids' WB]]. The series focuses on the fictional adventures of [[w:Jackie Chan|Jackie Chan]], an archaeologist, martial arts expert, and reluctant secret agent who pursues evil forces in their attempts to acquire magical artifacts and take over the world. The series ran from September 9, 2000 to July 8, 2005 for a total of 95 episodes over five seasons. {{wikipedia}} ==Season 1 (The Twelve Talismans)== ===The Dark Hand [1.1]=== :'''[[w:List_of_Jackie_Chan_Adventures_characters#Jackie_Chan|Jackie Chan]]''': '''Bad day, bad day, bad day, bad day, BAD DAY!''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jackie''': What is it, Uncle? :'''[[w:List_of_Jackie_Chan_Adventures_characters#Uncle_Chan|Uncle Chan]]''': Come, give Uncle a hug. ''[Jackie approaches Uncle with open arms, only to be cuffed by him.]'' :'''Jackie''': Oww! :'''Uncle''': You did not make coffee this morning. Coffee is the only thing that is keeping Uncle’s ancient heart beating. You want dead Uncle?! No? Then you make coffee! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Uncle''': One more thing. You receive phone call from the university. They want you to translate parchments. :'''Jackie''': Okay. :'''Uncle''': One more thing. I cannot read these inscriptions. Very old writing. I must go in back to get my journals. :'''Jackie''': Okay. :'''Uncle''': One more thing. This is Jade, your niece. She will live with you for a year, okay? :'''Jackie''': Okay. ''[shocked]'' I have a niece?! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After learning that Jade will live with him and Uncle for a year.]'' :'''Jackie''': Nobody asked me! :'''Uncle''': Did not want to bother you. Now, you both get acquainted while I go do work. :'''Jackie''': But I don’t know anything about children! ''[Uncle leaves, leaving him alone with Jade]'' Uh, hello, I am Jackie. ''[Jade remains silent, staring at him.]'' Hmm, no [[w:English language|English]]. ''[speaking in [[w:Mandarin Chinese|Chinese]].]'' Ni hao ma? ''[translates to "How are you?"]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Dark Hand [[w:List_of_Jackie_Chan_Adventures_characters#The_Enforcers|Enforcers]] enter Uncle's shop.]'' :'''Jackie''': Welcome to Uncle's Rare Finds! How can I help you? :'''[[w:List_of_Jackie_Chan_Adventures_characters#The_Enforcers|Finn]]''': You're Jackie Chan, the archaeologist? :'''Jackie''': Heh, I dabble in the study of past civilizations. :'''Finn''': Well, we are aware that you recently "dabbled" a shield from a Bavarian castle. Our extremely wealthy employer is interested in purchasing that shield. :''[Jackie eyes the thugs suspiciously.]'' :'''Jackie''': I’m sorry, I already donated that piece to the university. :'''Finn''': Really? :''[The Dark Hand thugs try to break some antique vases as a threat, but Jackie stops them.]'' :It would be in your family’s best interests to ''un''donate the shield, Mr. Chan. By this time tomorrow. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After the Dark Hand Enforcers leave the shop.]'' :'''Uncle''': Did they buy anything? :'''Jackie''': No. :'''Uncle''': You are terrible salesman! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Uncle''': Where am I going to hide a big shield? It... where did I put it? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jackie falls onto the hood of the Dark Hand's limousine.]'' :'''Jackie''': Heh, that will buff right out! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jackie wakes up after being knocked unconscious following his fight with the Dark Hand Enforcers.]'' :'''Jackie''': Augustus Black! What are you doing here? Ow, what am I doing here? :'''[[w:List_of_Jackie_Chan_Adventures_characters#Captain_Augustus_Black|Captain Augustus Black]]''': I’m afraid it’s official business my friend. :'''Jackie''': I didn’t think these were your pack-up singers. Where have you been? I don’t hear from you for six years... Boom! You’re in [[w:San Francisco|San Francisco]] saving my butt. Oh, those thugs must've knocked me out. :'''Captain Black''': Actually, I knocked you out. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Captain Black''': Tried to warn you. :'''Jackie''': How did you get down here? :'''Captain Black''': The stairs. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:List_of_Jackie_Chan_Adventures_characters#Valmont|Valmont]]''': You are telling me ''one'' man stopped you? :'''Finn''': Uh, yes, but-- :'''Valmont''': Three of my enforcers armed with high-tech weapons were defeated by an... archaeologist? :'''Finn''': Did we mention he had windshield wipers? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jade comes riding toward Jackie and Captain Black on a scooter.]'' :'''[[w:List_of_Jackie_Chan_Adventures_characters#Jade_Chan|Jade Chan]]''': Jackie! :'''Captain Black''': Who is that?! :'''Jackie''': No relation. <hr width=50%/> :'''Captain Black''': Young lady, how did you get in here? :'''Jade''': The stairs. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jackie''': Jade, these people are my friends. :'''Jade''': Your "friends" knocked you out and took you to a super secret underground base? :'''Jackie''': Uh, yes. :'''Jade''': [[w:United States|America]] is so cool! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Captain Black''': Care to explain how our security was penetrated by a child? :'''Jade''': I’m not a child! I’m Jackie’s niece. :'''Captain Black''': Didn’t know you had a niece, Jackie. :'''Jackie''': Join the club. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jade''': Hi! :'''Jackie''': Wha-- how did you--? :'''Jade''': The stairs. :'''Jackie''': Well, take these stairs to your room! :'''Jade''': Aww, let me help! Uncle is my uncle too! ...I think. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jade''': Uncle’s up there, huh? :'''Jackie''': You speak English? :'''Jade''': You know I do! :'''Jackie''': So what part of “Go to your room” do you not understand? :'''Jade''': Aww... :'''Jackie''': Stay here, or I’ll put you on the first flight back to [[w:Hong Kong|Hong Kong]]. :'''Jade''': Scout’s honor! ''[Jackie leaves to confront Tohru.]'' Tch, like I’m a scout? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Captain Black''': Jackie, I never meant for your family to get involved in this. :'''Jackie''': It’s not your fault. The Dark Hand was after the shield. ''[Uncle cuffs him.]'' :'''Uncle''': I told you! Shield not important! The talisman in the center of the shield is. ''That'' is where the magic lies. ===The Power Within [1.2]=== :''[Shendu expresses his anger to Valmont with the Dark Hand's failure to acquire the [[w:Rooster (zodiac)|Rooster]] Talisman.]'' :'''[[w:List_of_Jackie_Chan_Adventures_characters#The_Enforcers|Ratso]]''': Why is the boss taking gut from a statue? :'''[[w:List_of_Jackie_Chan_Adventures_characters#The_Enforcers|Finn]]''': ‘Cause it talks. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Jade tries to practice martial arts in the restaurant.]'' :'''Jade:''' I was just trying to getting you to teach me, Jackie. :'''Jackie''': The wise seek power within themselves. The foolish seek it within others. Until you harness the power within yourself, I cannot teach you. :'''Jade''': Huh? :'''Jackie''': It means you must have the discipline to behave yourself. Now eat your food. <hr width="50%"/> [[File:Fortune cookie.jpg|135px|thumb|right|''Never'' mock the cookie.]] :''[Jade opens a [[w:Fortune_cookie|fortune cookie]] and reads it.]'' :'''Jade''': "Danger looms in your future." :'''Uncle''': We must be very cautious. :'''Jackie''': ''[skeptical]'' You listen to a cookie? :''[The Dark Hand's [[w:List_of_Jackie_Chan_Adventures_characters#The_Enforcers|Enforcers]] enter the restaurant and approach the table.]'' :'''Finn''': Evening, Chan. :'''Uncle''': ''Never'' mock the cookie. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After the Enforcers unsuccessfully try to steal the Rooster Talisman.]'' :'''Finn''': Mr. Valmont, sir. It didn't go quite as planned. :'''Valmont''': Regale me. :'''Finn''': ''[lying]'' Well, we stomped Chan-- :'''Ratso''': --Stomped him good! :'''Finn''': But we didn't see any talisman. :'''Valmont''': You will be punished. <hr width="50%"/> :''[While being pursued by Shadowkhan.]'' :'''Jade:''' Aren't you gonna womp em'? :'''Jackie''': Ancient proverb: Do not fight when you can run! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jackie and Jade defeat the Shadowkhan who were chasing them.]'' :'''Jackie''': I don't understand why they were after-- :'''Jade''': Jackie, the coolest thing ever happened; I went and ran off the bridge but I didn't fall; I stopped in mid-air and then I ran back just like in cartoons! ''[dumbfounded]'' ...I can fly! :'''Jackie:''' Jade, enough fooling around. :'''Jade:''' Fooling around?! I just saved your butt. :'''Jackie:''' Language, Jade. The Dark Hand is after you and I want to know why... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jackie and Jade are captured by the Dark Hand.]'' :'''Jade''': Hello?! Let me outta here! I mean it! Just wait 'til the "Jackinator" comes to. You guys are gonna get so creamed! :'''Jackie''': Jade? :'''Jade''': "Jackinator"? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tohru:''': I ''hate'' fish. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tohru:''': Why did you growl? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jackie''': Don't eat like a baboon. You should chew your food. :'''Jade''': Hello?! Chew soup?! :'''Jackie''': Help me out here. :'''Uncle''': She's your niece. ===The Mask of El Toro Fuerte [1.3]=== :''[After observing Jackie enter the Aztec pyramid.]'' :'''Finn''': He's in the pyramid. Let's move. :'''Novice Bad Guy''': Uh, don't pyramids have mummies inside them, sir? :'''Finn''': Only in Egypt. :'''Novice Bad Guy''': Why don't we just let Chan find the talisman? Just take it from him when he climbs out. :'''Finn''': Listen new guy. We don't know what power this ox talisman has. Chan might come busting out of there 50 feet tall with laser eyes. :'''Novice Bad Guy''': ''[scared]'' I don't wanna fight giant laser eyes! Everyone after him! Now, now, now! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Jade tries to sign up Jackie for a wrestling match with El Toro Fuerte.]'' :'''Jade:''' Gracias, amigo. Anyway, I told this boy that you were the best wrestler in the world. You have to prove it! :'''Jackie''': Jade, one should not fight for the sake of fighting, but only when one has no other choice. :'''Jade''': Makes sense. When you get in the ring and this El Toro guy starts wailing on you, you'll have no other choice. :'''Jackie''': Uh... you have an interesting mind, young Jade. :'''Jade''': Jackie!!!!! You have nothing better to do tonight! :'''Jackie:''' Oh?! I don't... How about, "Search for the Ox talisman?" :'''Jade:''' But you said it yourself. You can be a million miles away. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Dark Hand enforcers notice Jackie at the wrestling match.]'' :'''Finn''': Hmm, didn't take Chan as a sports fan. :'''Ratso''': What sport? Wrestling's fake, everybody knows that. <hr wodth=50%/> :'''Finn''': El Toro, meet Tohru. Tohru, Toro. Toro, Tohru. Tohru- :'''Tohru''': ''[annoyed, pushing Finn away]'' The mask! :'''El Toro Fuerte''': El Toro Fuerte never removes his mask! :'''Tohru''': Then I will remove it for you! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jackie:''' Why are you here?! You're supposed to be back at the hotel doing your homework. :'''Jade:''' Lucky for you, I raced through. Tohru was gonna bust you like a piñata. :'''Jackie:''' Thank you. But don't finish your homework early again. It's too dangerous. ===Enter the Viper [1.4]=== :''[Jackie accidentally bumps into a cloaked figure at the museum.]'' :'''Jackie''': Oh, I'm so sorry! I broke your spy camera. ''[pauses]'' Spy camera? :'''Ratso''': Chan! :'''Jackie''': You! Uh... Dark Hand guy! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jackie:''' The magic! ''[gathering items]'' :'''Jade''': So, whatcha gonna do? Sneak into the museum before the bad guys do and steal the talisman yourself? :'''Jackie''': Steal?! What?! That's crazy, Jade! You're crazy! :'''Jade''': You totally ''are'' gonna steal it! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jade''': ''[whispers]'' You got in! You are so cool! :'''Jackie''': ''[whispers]'' I am not cool! I'm breaking the law! :'''Jade''': Uh-huh. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jade''': Wow! She rules! :'''Jackie''': Wha-- ? :'''Jade''': Uh, I mean, go Jackie. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jade''': Wow! When I grow up, I wanna be just like her! :'''Jackie''': A criminal?! :'''Jade''': A female Jackie Chan! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jackie:''' You are under arrest! :'''Viper:''' You do realize we both go to jail, right? :'''Jackie''': I am not a crook! I am an archaeologist! :''[Jackie accidentally knocks over a vase and breaks it, sounding the alarm.]'' :'''Jade and Viper''': Way to go. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jackie calls Uncle from prison.]'' :'''Uncle''': Jackie, why did you steal the Pink Puma? There is no puma in the Chinese zodiac. It has NO magic! :'''Jackie''': I know Uncle, it's... complicated. :'''Uncle''': One more thing. You are a criminal! You are a very bad influence on Jade! :'''Jackie''': I know, but-- that's why I need you to take the next flight here and-- :'''Uncle''': One more thing... oh, wait I am getting another call. :'''Jackie''': No, no, no! Uncle, you don't know how to do that! I am only allowed one phone call--! :''[Uncle clicks the line]'' :'''Uncle''': Hello, Uncle's Rare Finds. May I help you? ''[line clicks]'' Hmm? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ratso:''' ''[visiting Jackie in prison]'' Hey, bro. :'''Jackie:''' What do you want? :'''Ratso:''' What rock...is the legless reptile under? :'''Jackie:''' What? :'''Ratso:''' Tell me where the serpent, ''sleeps.'' :'''Jackie:''' What are you talking about? :'''Ratso:''' WHERE'S THE SNAKE TALISMAN?! :'''Jackie:''' Don't you read the newspaper? I took the Pink Puma. :''[Ratso checks the Talisman tracker which is not lighting up]'' :'''Jackie:''' See? No Talisman. Like the gizmo says. Now if you'll excuse me, my delicious prison food is getting cold. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Viper pulls a "viper" on Jade for the snake talisman.]'' :'''Jade:''' Viper... pulled a viper... on me?! :'''Jackie''': Old proverb: There is no honor among thieves. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jackie''': '''I'm sorry, I'll bring it back, thank you!''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Police''': Freeze! :'''Jackie''': It's okay! ''[shows Pink Puma]'' I have it! It's yours! ''[Jackie hands over the Pink Puma to the police.]'' :'''Police Officer''': Real good. Now, tell us what you did with the [[w:Statue of Liberty|Statue of Liberty]]. :''[Jackie and Jade look back to the Statue which has disappeared due to the Snake Talisman's power, Jackie and Jade shrug]'' ===Project A, for Astral [1.5]=== :''[as soon as Jackie uncovers the Sheep Talisman]'' :'''Jackie:''' Jackie had a little lamb. ''[turns around as Shadowkhan appear, he stuffs the talisman in his pocket]'' It's not here! Can you believe it? <hr width=50%/> :''[after Jackie cheats death by escaping a Train which just fell off the tracks and into a gorge]'' :'''Ratso:''' No way he's human. <hr width=50%/> :'''Shendu:''' Chan possesses yet another Talisman, while I have none?! You are weak, Valmont! And your men are fools! :'''Finn:''' That's it! I ain't taking no more lip from a statue! ''[proceeds to pull out a handgun]'' :'''Shendu:''' I am no statue! You stand in the presence of a Demon Sorcerer! I once held dominion over a vast empire, but my subjects betrayed me. They cast a Chi spell which imprisoned me in this pitiful icon, where I have remained for 900 years! The twelve magic Talismans, from which I drew my power, were scattered to the winds. :'''Ratso:''' Whoa. :'''Finn:''' You got jacked. :'''Shendu:''' Acquisition of all the Talismans, will allow me to be free of my confinement, and walk the Earth once again. :'''Valmont:''' At which point we will be rewarded the lost treasure of Ching Xi Hung. Well worth taking a little lip, don't you think? <hr width=50%/> :'''Uncle:''' One more thing! Stay awake! You break many antiques when you sleepwalk! :'''Jackie:''' ''[yawning]'' I don't sleepwalk. :'''Uncle:''' So you break my antiques ''for fun?!'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Melvin Moose:''' Uh... Smile for the camera! :'''Shendu:''' ''[in possession of Jade's body]'' Soon I shall devour your soul! :'''Melvin Moose:''' ''[gasp]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Jackie:''' ''[running towards Captain Black and Jade, who is still possessed]'' Captain Black, get away from her! :'''Captain Black:''' Whoa there, Jackie! :'''Jade (Possessed):''' ''[growls]'' :'''Jackie:''' She's not really Jade! The Talisman's magic has turned her into a sheep! ''[stuttering]'' Uh, no, I mean- Look, I'll prove it. ''[looks around, grabs the Melvin Moose mascot]'' What's the moose's name?! ''The name!!!'' :'''Jade (Possessed):''' ''[growls again]'' :'''Jade (Astral):''' Give you a hint, it's another word for wedgie. :'''Jackie:''' You can't name it, can you?! You're evil! ''YOU'RE EVIL!!!!!'' <hr width=50%> :'''Jade (Astral):''' Boo! (waves hand at Jackie) Hello? Can't you guys see me? No? (flies behind Jackie) Then I guess you won't mind if I... touch your guts! (Laughing) Melvin World can't touch this! Woo-hoo!!! <hr width=50%> :'''Jade (Astral):''' Ew, quit picking your nose! ===Shell Game [1.6]=== :'''Jackie:''' ''[Takes a deep breath]'' Breathe deeply. The breath flows to the finger tips, then down to the toes... :'''Jade:''' Then the toes goes up...The bad guys's nose! Hyah! ''[Jade high kicks and punches while Jackie just stares at her]'' What? He was asking for it. :'''Jackie:''' Discipline, Jade. :'''Jade:''' But I want to be a lean, mean Jackie Chan machine! :'''Jackie:''' Don't be in such of a hurry! Slow and steady wins the race. :'''Jade:''' Chinese proverbs, right? :'''Jackie:''' Greek, actually. The story of [[w:The Tortoise and the Hare|"The Tortoise and the Hare"]]. Once upon a- Where are you going? :'''Jade:''' Breakfast. Race ya! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jade:''' ...so there I was, flying the plane, all by myself, no co-pilot. And Jackie's hanging out the back, flopping around with no parachute or anything! :'''Drew:''' Yeah, right. I bet the Snake Lady was there too. :'''Jade:''' Viper? No, that was in New York. <hr width=50%/> :'''Valmont:''' You know, Shendu, these Talisman expeditions, let's just say are raking up some hefty out of pocket expenses. And as of yet, there's nothing coming back into my pocket! :'''Shendu:''' When and only when your men acquire all twelve Talismans, the lost Treasure of Ching Xi Hung shall cover your...expenses...ten thousand times over. :'''Valmont:''' The ''reputed'' lost treasure. :'''Shendu:''' Ahhh, so we have a skeptic. :''[a Shadowkhan appears holding a golden goblet, covered with a lid, which he lifts revealing gold and jewels, astonishing Valmont]'' :'''Shendu:''' Patience, Valmont. Slow and steady wins the race. <hr width=50%/> :''[Jackie tricks Jade into getting in a Taxi with Uncle]'' :'''Uncle:''' So how was school? :'''Jade:''' ''[in a bad mood]'' Peachy. :'''Uncle:''' Ah, peachy! One more thing. Did Jackie Find the Rabbit Talisman? :'''Jade:''' ''[voice becomes raspy]'' I am not Jade. I am Paigon the Powerful, ruler of the Rabbit Realm. :''[Uncle gasps in terror]'' :'''Jade:''' I must fulfill my destiny or the universe itself will be UN-MADE! ''RELEASE ME AT ONCE!'' :''[taxi stops and Jade gets out]'' :'''Jade:''' ''[coughing]'' Man, that's rough on the throat. <hr width=50%/> :'''Karl Nivor:''' Gentlemen. :'''Finn:''' Are you...Karl....Kniver? :'''Nivor:''' Nivor. Dr. Karl Nivor, in the flesh. :''[out of sight]'' :'''Jade:''' Who's this Nivor guy? :'''Jackie:''' SHH! :'''Nivor:''' And this fellow must be the merchandise of which my friend Valmont spoke. Mmmm, yes. You're a fine specimen, aren't you? ''Aren't youuu?'' :'''Tohru:''' ''[annoyed]'' THE MONEY. :'''Nivor:''' ''[sigh]'' Borris. ''[a chef appears holding a briefcase of money]'' Pay the man. ''[Tohru accepts the briefcase]'' Care to join me for dinner? :'''Tohru:''' Thank you. No. :'''Nivor:''' ''[licking his fingers]'' But we're having, quite the delicacy. A dish so rare, you might say it's endangered. Turtle soup. :''[out of sight]'' :'''Jade:''' Eww! He's gonna eat Aesop?! ''[gasp]'' He's gonna eat Aesop... :'''Nivor:''' Are you sure? Hmm? :'''Tohru:''' Y-yeesss...we uh...uh...ummm ''[clears throat]'' I must deliver this to Valmont. ''[holding the Rabbit Talisman]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Nivor:''' Well, the sooner you find a forklift, the sooner I may lift a fork...to my lips. <hr width=50%/> :'''Ratso:''' Uncle! :'''Jackie:''' ''[looking around]'' Where? <hr width=50%/> :'''Jackie:''' Careful! That one, uh...turns you into a chocolate bunny! <hr width=50%/> :'''Nivor:''' Borris, that brazed manatee you prepared last week was absolutely exquisite, and the grilled American condor on a bit of fava bean ''[puckering sounds]'' to die for. Don't forget the carrots. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jade:''' Release Aesop, you tortoise-eating creep! :'''Nivor:''' ''[chuckling]'' Such a delightful child. She'll go well with a nice Bearnaise sauce, wouldn't you say, Borris? :'''Jade:''' WHAT?! :'''Nivor:''' Only joking, princess. Children are much too common for my sophisticated palette. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jade:''' Whoa. How'd you get from there to here so fast? :'''Jackie:''' ''[shows Jade the Rabbit Talisman]'' And now we'll save the tortoise. See? Slow and steady, wins the race. :'''Jade:''' But you have super, rabbit speed! I'm getting mixed messages here! :'''Jackie:''' Oh-er-uh. Don't be smart! <hr width=50%/> :'''Shendu:''' Valmont, your men are supposed to acquire Talismans! Not sell pets! :'''Valmont:''' Perhaps if you'd given fair consideration to the advance I requested, none of this would have- :''[Shendu in a fury shoots fire at both Valmont and Tohru]'' :'''Tohru:''' WHOA! I did not know he could do that! <hr width=50%/> :'''Drew:''' Come on! A turbo-turtle? :'''Jade:''' Faster than a speeding rabbit. :'''Drew:''' No way! :'''Jade:''' Way! :'''Drew:''' Yeah, right. I bet that super strong Ox guy was there too! :'''Jade:''' El Toro? Nah, that was in Mexico, when I was flying the plane! ===Bullies [1.7]=== :'''Shendu''': Valmont? Where is the Dragon talisman? :'''Valmont''': My men are on it. :'''Shendu''': Your men could not find their own shadows, and ''your'' incompetence continues to stupefy me. :'''Valmont''': Oh? ''I'll'' stupefy you-- ''[the Shadowkhan appear around him]'' :'''Shendu''': ''Temper'', Valmont... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Valmont''': The ''arrogance'' of that over-sized lawn ornament. :'''Finn''': Valmont! Check it out! ''[holding up the Dragon Talisman]'' :'''Valmont''': You actually did your job? Imagine! :'''Finn''': You're not stoked? :'''Valmont''': ''[angrily]'' I'm absolutely ''giddy''! ''[hurls the Dragon talisman into the wall, which activates the power, blasting a hole in the ceiling]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Valmont:''' ''[infusing the Dragon Talisman to his hand]'' Puff, the Magic Dragon... <hr width=50%/> :'''Ms. Hartman''': Mr. Chan, this is not the first time we've had a problem with Jade. Swinging from gym lamps, stealth walking with ladders, scaling the building with the fire hose... :'''Uncle''': Just like Jackie! He reminds me of a chimpanzee! :'''Jackie''': Uncle! :'''Ms. Hartman''': Now I don't know where Jade learned to fight... :'''Uncle''': From Jackie! He's a good teacher! :'''Jackie''': Uncle, shhhh! Ms. Hartman, I assure you, the martial arts are meant to discipline Jade, not teach her to- :'''Ms. Hartman''': Martial arts? Like karate? :'''Uncle''': Kung-fu! Best self defense! ''Whooole'' body becomes a ''seeecret weapon!'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Finn:''' Valmont, you are da bomb! Pun totally intended. :'''Ratso:''' Hey, ain't ole dragon breath gonna start wondering where his rock is? :'''Valmont:''' Pity. It's doing wonders for our cash flow. :'''Finn:''' One more heist, Big V? :'''Valmont:''' One for the history books. <hr width="50%"/> :''[after catching Jackie]'' :'''Valmont''': Jackie Chan! Finally, we meet. ''[holding up the Dragon Talisman]'' It was nice knowing you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Valmont''': You really go for the gold, Mr. Chan. ''Fool's'' gold. :'''Jackie''': You know, Valmont? I was wondering, what is one of these worth? An all expenses paid trip to Melvin World?'' [tosses a gold brick into the water]'' :'''Valmont''': You'll pay for that! :''[Jackie begins throwing dozens of gold bricks into the water]'' :'''Jackie''': What about these? A new Ferrari? :'''Valmont''': Chan! :'''Jackie''': A summer home? Your own private island to build it on? A robot butler for that home? :'''Valmont''': Aaarrrgh! ''[blasts his ship in half]'' Blast. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Valmont''': Shendu, I beg your forgiveness. :'''Shendu''': You may ''earn'' it. Rumor tells of a talisman hidden at the North Pole. ''Dress warmly''... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jade:''' I make such a good Jackie. ===Tough Break [1.8]=== :'''Auctioneer''': The next item up for auction, is a Porcelain lamp featuring, well, an unusual rat motif. What are my bid for this piece? :'''Jackie''': One hundred dollars! :'''Auctioneer''': Do I hear one-fifty? :'''Tohru''': ''[entering the room]'' Two hundred! :'''Auctioneer''': Smashing! Do I hear- :'''Jackie''': Two-fifty! :'''Tohru''': Three hundred! :'''Jackie''': Three-fifty! :'''Tohru''': Four! :'''Jackie''': Five hundred! :''[Auctioneer looks on in bewilderment]'' :'''Tohru''': Six! :'''Jackie''': Seven! :'''Tohru''': Eight! :'''Jackie:''' Nine! :'''Tohru''': One thousand! :'''Jackie''': ''[hesitant]'' Two....thousand! :''[Auctioneer's monocle falls out in astonishment]'' :''[Ratso and Finn are giving money to Tohru]'' :'''Finn''': This is all we got Tohru. :'''Ratso;''' Think they take nunchuks? <hr width=50%/> :'''Jade''': Another train wreck, Jackie? :'''Jackie''': ''[looking at Jade's messy room]'' I was going to ask the same thing. Do baboons live here? <hr width=50%/> :'''Uncle''': Run down the side of an exploding building, no problem. But step on a child's toy, break your leg. Sounds like Chinese proverb. <hr width=50%/> :'''Shendu''': The Rat Talisman is the key to my freedom, Valmont. It will reanimate me to flesh and bone. :'''Ratso''': You mean, you get back all your dragon power and stuff? :'''Valmont''': No, Shendu will still require the other Talismans, and our continued assistance for that. :'''Shendu''': Judging by experience, I will remain in this petrified form ''forever''. And you will never lay your eyes on the lost treasure of Ching Xi Hung! <hr width=50%/> :''[after Jackie is attacked by Gnomekop; reanimated by the Rat Talisman]'' :'''Jackie''': That toy should be taken off the market. :'''Jade''': I tried to tell you, he's not just a toy anymore. [[w:Frakenstein (1931 film)|He's alive! ALIVE!]] <hr width=50%/> :'''Jackie''': Stay back, Jade. :'''Jade''': No, Jackie. You have a broken leg and Gnomekop is my responsibility. ===The Rock [1.9]=== :'''Finn''': Big V, d-d'you think you c-could turn up the h-heat? :'''Shendu''': Allow me. :''[Shendu breathes fire at them]'' :'''Finn''': That's plenty! :'''Ratso''': Much o-obliged. :'''Valmont''': Careful, Shendu. If you charbroil the help, they'll never find the next talisman. :'''Shendu''': The next talisman is insufficient, Valmont. I need all twelve to shed this petrified form, and regain my true powers. :'''Valmont''': We are working on it, Shendu. :'''Shendu''': With your customary ineptitude, once again, this Chan has snatched a talisman from your so-called ''professionals''... :'''Ratso''': Too bad Chan ain't working for us! :'''Valmont''': Perhaps he can be ''persuaded''... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jackie''': It's not polite to hack into security systems that don't belong to you! :'''Jade''': I saw a '7'! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Uncle''': I have translated the inscription on the back of the talisman! A very perplexing riddle... :'''Jackie''': 'If activated, the noble Horse expels all alien forces within'. :'''Jade''': I bet those 'alien forces' fly out and latch out onto human brains and turn people into mind-control zombies to conquer the world! :''[Jackie and Uncle stare at her]'' :'''Jade''': Uh, alien forces signal the Mother Ship to launch an invasion? :''[Jackie and Uncle stare at her]'' :'''Jade''': This... ''isn't'' the Martian talisman? :'''Uncle''': There is no such thing as Martians! The talismans are ''magic''! <hr width=50%/> :''[Jackie Chan sees a Talisman in one of the eyes of Mt. Rushmore]'' :'''Jackie''': Ah, what big eyes, you have. Don't blink Mr. President. ''[reaches inand gets the talisman, only to reveal it is the Snake Talisman]'' The Snake Talisman? We already got that one. :''[the counterfit Talisman opens up and injects Jackie with the poison, causing Jackie to drop it below; a weakened Jackie climbs back up only to be greeted by Valmont]'' Valmont! :'''Valmont''': ''[lifts Jackie up]'' Upsie-daisy! ''[Jackie assumes a fighting stance, revealing his wound]'' Ah, snake bite! Could be fatal. :'''Jackie''': You bring me all the way out here to poison me? :'''Valmont''': A rather appropriate lure, since the venom, now rushing through your veins, will soon turn you to stone. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jackie:''' What? What is it? :'''Uncle:''' Nothing. Don't look in the mirror. :'''Jackie:''' Ahhhh!!!!! :'''Uncle:''' I told you not to look in the mirror! :'''Jackie:''' I'm a lizard! I will become a stone lizard! <hr width=50%/> :'''Uncle''': I have a new antidote. This may sting. ''[sprays Jackie with antidote, which immediately combusts upon leaving the sprayer, blasting Jackie through the wall]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tohru:''' ''[checks all talismans in the bag]'' One is missing! :'''Jade:''' No way! I cleaned out the vault! ''[gasp]'' I forgot the horse one at Uncle's! Um, if you give me the antidote, I really for sure promise to get you the other one. Scout's honor? :'''Finn:''' Tch. Like she's a scout. ''[Tohru drops the antidote]'' :'''Jade:''' '''No!''' ''[vial containing the antidote shatters]'' Why?! :'''Tohru:''' ''[sneezes]'' Because Chan makes me sick! :'''Jade:''' Jackie... :'''Jackie:''' Don't worry, Jade. Uncle will come through. :'''Jade:''' ...We don't need your stinking antidote! <hr width="50%"/> :''[after catching the talisman]'' :'''Jackie''': The Dark Hand... will... never... have all... twelve! ''[turns to stone]'' :'''Jade:''' Jackie! :'''Ratso''': A dollar says his hand will snap right off! :'''Finn, Chow''': Deal! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tohru''': My cold is gone! Like magic! :'''Uncle''': 'The noble horse expels all alien forces within'... :'''Jade''': The riddle! It doesn't mean aliens within the ''talisman'', it means aliens within the sick person ''holding'' the talisman! :'''Uncle''': The Horse is the healing talisman! :'''Jade''': Think it only works on colds? ===The Jade Monkey [1.10]=== :'''Drew:''' Hey Jade, is your Uncle Jackie gonna wow the class about... ''[chuckles]'' the secret agent business? :'''Jade:''' You bet, Drew. And the truth is gonna blow your mind. :'''Drew:''' Oh, you mean the ''truth'' about ninjas, magic talismans, that four hundred pound giant named Tofu? :'''Jade:''' His name is...''[Tohru suddenly burts through the wall]'' ...Tohru. ''[Ratso and Finn follow Tohru holding a bound and gagged Jackie and Uncle]'' Jackie! Uncle! :'''Tohru:''' Jade, hand over the talismans. :'''Finn:''' Or we chop down your family tree. :'''Jade:''' You guys are the ones going down. ''[kicks Ratso]'' Hyah! Hyah! ''[punches Ratso, Tohru charges her and is kicked to the floor]'' Hyah! :'''Drew:''' I'm sorry I doubted you, Jade! :'''Ms. Hartman:''': No homework for the rest of the year! ''[the kids cheer wildly]'' :'''Ms. Hartman''': Jade! Jade! ''Jade!'' ''[Jade wakes up]'' :'''Ms. Hartman''': If you're through daydreaming, could you tell us the capital of Italy? :'''Jade''': Uh...Pizza? Heh, heh. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jackie is narrating a boring speech about archaeology to Jade's class]'' :'''Drew''': ''[To Jade]'' So much for "Secret Agent" man. :''[Jade raises her hand]'' :'''Jackie''': Uh, question? :'''Jade''': Jackie, tell us about the time you whooped a bunch of Shadowkhan on the roller coaster at Melvin World! :'''Jackie''': That's a bit off topic, Jade. ''[Jade groans]'' Now, once an artifact is unearthed- :'''Jade''': Really! He tanned their ninja hides! He's got amazing reflexes! Watch! ''[Takes an apple from her lunch and throws it at Jackie]'' :'''Jackie''': Ow! :'''Ms. Hartman''': Jade has quite an imagination, doesn't she, Mr. Chan? :'''Jackie''': Heh, heh. Yes, she does. And a good throwing arm too. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jade has discovered a Talisman after immediately starting to dig]'' :'''Jade''': Oh, Jackie! ''[holds up the Talisman]'' :'''Jackie''': You've gotta be kidding me. :'''Jade''': It's the Monkey Talisman! Must be a Sea Monkey! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Uncle's Head''': Jackie! Jackie! ''[Jackie wakes up]'' Jackie, you are shipwrecked. :'''Jackie''': ''[dazed]'' Yes, Uncle. Shipwrecked. :'''Uncle's Head''': One more thing. Jade has the Monkey Talisman. :'''Jackie''': Jade's a good girl. :'''Uncle's Head''': One more thing. Bad men are chasing her. She needs your help. Now! ''[whacks him in the head]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jackie''': Jade? Jade? Ja-? ''[Notices a feeding giraffe]'' A giraffe? We drifted all the way to Africa?! ===The Dog and Piggy Show [1.11]=== :'''Tohru''': Chan! The tali-- :'''Jackie''': -sman? What talisman? :''[Tohru holds up the talisman-tracking statue]'' :'''Tohru''': The ones the dragons indicate! :'''Jackie''': Ohh, ''this'' talisman! You know, Tohru, you really should consider coming over the good side! Section 13 has a marvelous dental plan, and every Thursday is Donut Day! <hr width="50%"/> :''[on the phone]'' :'''Jade''': Jumping Jackal? It's me. Fearless Hyena. :'''Jackie''': Jade-- :'''Jade''': ''Shh''! Wise old goat roams near! :'''Jackie''': ''What''? :'''Jade''': Ancient rabbit has very long ears! :'''Jackie''': What are you ''talking'' about? :'''Jade''': It's Uncle's birthday, where are you? :'''Jackie''': My flight had a layover in Bavaria. ''[annoyed]'' If I never see Bavaria again... :'''Jade''': Jackal, this isn't about you! :'''Jackie''': Don't worry, Jade. My plane will arrive in plenty of time ''[whispering]'' for Operation Surprise! :'''Jade''': Cool! So, whatca' get him? :'''Jackie''': Uh... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Uncle''': Jade. Jade! Jade! :'''Jade''': Ah! Uncle, you scared me! :'''Uncle''': And the rock and roll noise is scaring away the customers. :'''Jade''': Tch, it's hiphop, duh! Come on, Uncle Coolio, I'll teach you some moves! :'''Uncle''': ''[sighing]'' My hip does not hop... :'''Jade''': Sure it does. You just move with the Grand Master Groove! :''[Uncle drops a vase, which shatters]'' :'''Uncle''': I am like that antique. :'''Jade''': Uh... valuable? :'''Uncle''': Old... and brittle. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Uncle''': I will do research now. :'''Jade''': But Uncle, we have cake! We have to celebrate! :'''Uncle''': When I am another year younger, ''then'' I will celebrate. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jade:''' Jackie, has Uncle always been like all... You know, uncley? :'''Jackie:''' No, Jade. When Uncle was young, he was just like me. :'''Jade:''' Does that mean you're going to be grouchy, constipated, and smell like garlic when you're Uncle's age? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Valmont''': You failed to retrieve the talisman, ''and'' you sat on this! ''[holds the broken Seeking Device]'' :'''Shendu''': The Seeking Device was forged by magic. Such things are hard to come by. :'''Tohru''': Apologies, master. :'''Valmont''': Perhaps the time has come to have a freelancer lead future missions... :'''Tohru''': No need, master. I will do better! :'''Valmont''': Ah, too late! Tohru, meet Hak Foo. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Uncle''': "The Dog talisman is best friend to man. It restores youthful energy to its holder... and grants eternal life." Hmm... immortality... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tohru''': So... uh... where shall we begin our serach for the talisman? :'''Hak Foo''': I don't know. You sat on the seeking device, remember? :'''Tohru:''' Well, the only talismans left to be found are the Tiger and the... ''[sees pigs everywhere]'' Pig. :'''Hak Foo''': Wait here and stand watch. And I mean ''stand''. Less chance you'll break something. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jade''': Something's different about you. :'''Uncle''': Like what? :'''Jade''': Well, for one thing, you haven't said ''[imitates Uncle]'' "One more thing", since we got here. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hak Foo''': Seeking a talisman? ''[holds up a chocolate]'' Only counterfeits here. :'''Jackie''': Do I know you? :'''Hak Foo''': I am Hak Foo, the last human you will ever lay eyes upon. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Hak Foo defeats Jackie]'' :'''Hak Foo:''' Black Tiger crushes Chan. :''[Uncle and Jade enter the room]'' :'''Uncle''': You! Tiger Man! Remove your feet from Jackie! :'''Jackie''': ''[groggily]'' What's a Jackie? :'''Hak Foo:''' Take your leave, or feel the burn! :'''Uncle:''' You talk the talk, but can you walk the walk? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Uncle is unconscious after Hak Foo knocks him out]'' :'''Uncle's Subconscious''': Uncle! Uncle! :'''Uncle''': Yes, Uncle? :'''Uncle's Subconscious''': What happened? You got such a whooping! :'''Uncle''': Big mouth had a ''big'' fist! :'''Uncle's Subconscious''': One more thing, there is work to do. You must acquire the Pig talisman and discover the power that it possesses. :'''Uncle''': But... I'm dead. :'''Uncle's Subconscious''': Ai-''yah''! How can you be dead? You are wearing the immortality talisman! :'''Uncle''': Oh. Right. :'''Uncle's Subconscious''': One more thing! ''[whacks him in the head; Uncle wakes up]'' :'''Jackie''': Uncle! You're okay! :'''Uncle's Head''': See? Lots of garlic is good for you! We must get the Pig talisman before the big mouth finds it! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jackie''': Uncle! Explain. :'''Uncle''': Jackie, thank you for letting me re-experience my youth. ''[hands over the Dog talisman]'' But being young is too dangerous! And ''exhausting''! Uncle needs a nap. :'''Jade''': You earned it Uncle! ''[hugs him]'' ===The Tiger and the Pussycat [1.12]=== :'''Shendu''': After nine centuries, all twelve Talismans have been recovered. Yet I possess only two, while Jackie Chan has ten! You have failed me, Valmont! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jackie-Light''': Uncle! :'''Uncle''': What is it? :'''Jackie-Light''': I stepped on a bug! ''[sobbing]'' Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho... <hr width=50%/> :'''Finn''': Seems like Chan's in a particularly bad mood today? :'''Chow''': You mean the psycho? He caught my jacket. <hr width=50%/> :'''Uncle''': What happened to Jackie? He is such a cry-baby! :'''Jade''': He's such a jerk! :'''Uncle''': He is in the library, weeping all over all of my research! :'''Jade''': No, he's in the kitchen, raiding the fridge! :''[they realize]'' :'''Jade and Uncle''': Jackie? <hr width=50%/> :'''Uncle''': The Talisman broke, Jackie's Yin, was separated from his Yang. :'''Jade''': Whoa. Jackie-Light, and Jackie-Dark. :'''Jackie-Light''': I am the Dark side! I murdered a bug! :'''Jade''': ''[to Jackie-Dark]'' You're the side who ate my candy? You're evil! EVIL!!! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jade''': ''[as the Dark Hand arrives outside Uncle's store]'' What are we gonna do?! :'''Jackie-Dark''': Laugh like circus clowns while they scream for mercy. :'''Jackie-Light''': RUN! :'''Jade''': Guess we'll never know if two Jackies are better than- ''[Jackie-Light grabs Jade]'' WHOA! :'''Jackie-Light''': This is no place for children! <hr width=50%/> :'''Finn''': ''[driving away from Jackie-Dark who moments ago creamed them in a fight]'' He'll never catch us. :'''Chow''': Weren't we supposed to catch him? :'''Finn''': Shut up! <hr width=50%/> :''[Jackie-Dark, Chow, and Finn are laughing loudly about their recent fight]'' :'''Jackie-Dark''': And when the fish hit the road, you guys all went, "BWAH!" :''[more loud laughter]'' :'''Finn''': You know Chan, you're all right! :'''Chow''': Too bad we gotta eliminate you. :''[more loud laughter]'' :'''Jackie-Dark''': ELIMINATE ME?! ''[laughing hard]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Ratso''': Get in there! :'''Jackie-Light''': ''[getting in the car]'' Are those seats real leather? Oh, those poor cows! ''[sobbing]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Jackie-Light''': It's not nice to drop-kick little girls. <hr width=50%/> :'''Tohru''': It's always Tohru's fault. Everyone blames Tohru. <hr width=50%/> :''[After Jackie-Light and Jackie-Dark eliminate a room filled with Shadowkhan]'' :'''Jackie-Dark''': You have pretty decent chups for such a big baby. :'''Jackie-Light''': ''[putting an arm on Jackie-Dark]'' Oh, I owe it all to teamwork! :'''Jackie-Dark''': Don't touch me. <hr width=50%/> :'''Valmont''': ''[after fitting the last half of the twelfth Talisman into Shendu]'' Game over, Chan. Way over. :'''Shendu''': ''[no longer a statue, but a walking demon]'' I LIVE!!! ===Day of the Dragon [1.13]=== :''[The Dark Hand Enforcers see Shendu brought back to life for the first time.]'' :'''Finn''': Whoa, Shen-dude! :'''Ratso''': Uh, welcome to Earth? :'''Chow''': Good to see ya up and around! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Shendu refuses to reward the Dark Hand with the treasure he promised them.]'' :'''Valmont''': Tohru, make this deadbeat puny up! :''[Finn, Ratso, and Chow back away from Tohru.]'' :'''Finn''': You go bro. :'''Ratso''': We're right behind you-- :'''Chow''': --in spirit. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ratso''': Too bad about the lost treasure of... y'know, whatcha call it. :'''Finn''': Uh, will this affect our bonuses? :'''Ratso''': You get a bonus? :'''Valmont''': Shut it! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jackie''': Who...''what'' are you? :'''Shendu''': I am the keeper of the Talismans. I am the Apocalypse of which Legend speaks! And I am, for once and for all, your executioner! <hr width=50%/> :'''Uncle''': Did the demon have any specific markings? :'''Captain Black''': Red eyes, great big claws, and razor sharp teeth isn't SPECIFIC ENOUGH FOR YOU?! :'''Uncle''': ''Thousands'' of demon sorcerors have existed throughout history! I need more information! A symbol, a name, ANYTHING! :''[Tohru enters the shop, bandaged after his encounter with Shendu]'' :'''Tohru''': Chan! :'''Jackie''': ''[annoyed]'' Go away! We have no more Talismans! :'''Tohru''': The demon's name...Shendu! <hr width=50%/> :'''Uncle''': Shendu's former palace is located near what is now Hong Kong. His vengeance is to begin at the toll of Midnight, ushering in the Chinese New Year. :'''Captain Black''': Chinese New Year? That gives us only a couple of days! :'''Jackie''': Less. Hong Kong is sixteen hours ahead of San Fransisco! :'''Captain Black''': We'll take Section 13's fastest transport! :'''Uncle''': Finding the demon is not enough. One must have a means of... ''[reaching for a book he cannot reach]'' ...defeating it... ''[Tohru grabs the book and hands it to Uncle]'' Thank you. I will come with you! :'''Toru''': I will come... ''[grunts in pain]'' ...too! :'''Jackie''': Umm...that's okay. :'''Captain Black''': Tohru, why help us? :'''Tohru''': I am told Section 13 serves donuts on Thursdays. <hr width="50%"/> :''[On the Section 13 plane to Hong Kong.]'' :'''Uncle''': Go away! I am busy! :'''Agent''': Uh, you've been in the lavatory since take-off. :'''Uncle''': That is right! ''Laboratory''! Do you want Jackie to defeat the evil demon? Yes? Then go away! Let Uncle work! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Uncle''': Never question the inscriptions. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Captain Black''': Let's turn up the heat. :''[The agents aise their weapons]'' :'''Uncle''': No! Shendu is immortal. Magic must defeat magic. :''[The agents lower their weapons]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Captain Black''': He's out cold! Men! :''[The agents raise their weapons.]'' :'''Uncle''': Aiiee-yaaaahh!! No! Magic must defeat magic! :''[The agents lower their weapons.]'' :'''Captain Black''': Argh... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Shendu seems to be gaining the upper hand against Jackie again]'' :'''Captain Black''': That tears it! Men! :''[Uncle grabs Captain Black's shoulder, knocking him out]'' :'''Uncle''': Who else wants a piece of Uncle? :''[The rest of the agents stand down their weapons]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Shendu is defeated; Captain Black comes to again]'' :'''Captain Black''': What happened? :'''Uncle''': See? What have we learned? :'''Agents''': Magic must defeat magic. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jackie''': Happy New Year Jade! Happy New Year Uncle! ''[Uncle cuffs Jackie.]'' Oww! :'''Uncle''': You destroyed the demon! Yin and yang! Now the world is out of balance! Nobody told you to destroy the demon! :'''Jackie''': Jade did it. :'''Jade''': Hmmph... :'''Uncle''': Now there is a void for a new, stronger evil to fill! <hr width=50%/> :'''Finn''': ''[as the Dark Hand emerges from the dust of the palace]'' I know how much the treasure meant to you, Big V... ''[looks to the Talismans now scattered in the dust]'' ...but how about a consolation prize? <hr width=50%/> :'''Jackie:''' You should visit your parents. :'''Jade:''' They might want me to stay with them. :'''Jackie:''' Would that be so awful? :'''Jade:''' Tch...For you. ''[starts crying]'' ==Season 2 (The Demon Sorcerers)== ===The Stronger Evil [2.1]=== :'''Valmont''': ''[angered]'' It would seem we have ''lost'' the lost treasure of Ching Xi Hung. On the bright side, however, Jackie Chan has done me a tremendous favor by eliminating my albatross. :'''Ratso''': ''[whispers]'' Albatross? I thought Shendu was a dragon. :'''Valmont''': Which means we now have exclusive access to... ''[picks up the [[w:Dragon (zodiac)|Dragon]] Talisman]'' some ''very'' potent magic. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Shendu''': Once I make Jackie Chan pay, I shall tear that buffoon Valmont to pieces--! :'''Dai Gui''': SILENCE! The only future you have is here with us, ''brother!'' :'''Xiao Fung''': Indeed. Let the eternal torment begin! :'''Shendu''': "Torment"? "''Eternal''"?! :'''Tso Lan''': To punish your betrayal, Shendu. You chose to spend your time ruling China. :'''Bai Tza''': While we withered in this bone-dry pit! :'''Hsi Wu''': Bored out of our wits all those centuries, each exactly like the one before it! :'''Po Kong''': You never even attempted to free us! :'''Shendu''': ''[nervously]'' I... your rescue was in the planning stages, but I became imprisoned in a statue-- :'''Tchang Zu''': Excuses! You desired the earthly realm for you alone! ''[strikes Shendu with lightning]'' :'''Hsi Wu''': A shame you never learned to share, brother. :'''Shendu''': No, wait! I can free you! :'''Bai Tza''': Do not toy with us! The doorways can only be opened from the other side. :'''Dai Gui''': The ''human'' side. :'''Shendu''': Precisely. As the humble spirit you now see before you, I am free to cross over and possess any human I wish, enabling me to undo the sacred spells that keep you here... if you so deem it. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Valmont distributes the Talismans among his Enforcers.]'' :'''Valmont''': Twelve Talismans, four Enforcers, three each. :'''Ratso''': Uh, boss... there's only three of us since Tohru cashed in his frequent flyer miles. :'''Finn''': So, I'll just hang on to these-- :'''Hak Foo''': Hungry crane spears fish! :''[Hak Foo snatches the other Talismans.]'' :'''Valmont''': Everyone remembers Hak Foo? :'''Ratso''': ''[nervously]'' Heh, hiya Hak! :'''Chow''': Or do you prefer Foo? :'''Valmont''': ''Master'' Foo. The Black Tiger shall be your new lieutenant. <hr width="50%"/> :''[as an alarm goes off]'' :'''Captain Black''': Jackie! Robbery in progress, financial district! It's the Dark Hand! :'''Jackie''': Uhh, good luck with that? :'''Captain Black''': They're packing heat. ''Talisman'' heat. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Finn''': Astral projection? Motion to the motionless? Yin yang? How come I get all the loser powers? :'''Security Guard''': Freeze! :'''Hak Foo''': Mule kick! :''[Hak Foo easily dispatches the security guard without his talisman powers.]'' :'''Finn''': No fair, you're not even using yours! :'''Hak Foo''': The Horse for healing - I am not easily injured. The Rooster for levitation - I already fly. The Dog for immortality - there is not a man alive who can vanquish me! :'''Finn''': ''[intimidated]'' It's cool. Trade ya? :'''Hak Foo''': Baby. :''[Hak Foo gives his Talismans to Finn.]'' :'''Finn''': Score! <hr width=50%/> :'''Captain Black''': I know you're eager to get on with your life, my friend, but you know more about these Talismans than anyone. :'''Jackie''': Uh but- :'''Captain Black''': I need you, Jackie. One last time. :'''Jackie''': ...One last time. :'''Jade''': Just when you think you're out, they pull you back in. So can I- :'''Captain Black and Jackie''': No! ''[they leave]'' :'''Jade''': Didn't even let me ask! ...And if I didn't ask, how am I supposed to know what they said "no" to? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ratso''': Haha, we're like superheroes, who steal stuff! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Shendu''': So, I trust you would agree that my, err... ''martyrdom'' has left a void for a new, stronger evil to fill - namely you, my brothers and sisters. Shall I proceed, then? :''[The other Demon Sorcerers cast a spell on Shendu.]'' :'''Shendu''': Gah! What trick is this?! :'''Hsi Wu''': You have proven crafty, brother. So we require a safety measure. :'''Bai Tza''': Our spell will keep you bound within a human of your choosing, until you release us. :'''Xiao Fung''': A precaution, so that we know ''exactly'' where to find you! :'''Tso Lan''': In the event we deem it necessary to resume your eternal torment. :'''Shendu''': I accept your terms. I will choose my vessel well to best serve you. And the human most capable for this task is my nemesis: Jackie Chan! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Finn''': Immortality ''and'' healing? That's redundant! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jade:''' Need a lift? ''[picks Jackie up in the Jet Pack]'' :'''Jackie:''' I told you never play with things you don't know how to- :'''Jade:''' ''[pointing out the controls]'' Ignition, steering, throttle, brakes. :'''Jackie:''' ''[sigh]'' Faster. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jackie''': Look out! :'''Finn''': Yeah right, like I'm gonna fall for tha-- :''[Finn crashes into the ceiling of a tunnel entrance.]'' :'''Finn''': Ugh, immortality hurts. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hak Foo''': Black tiger crosses bald eagle! <hr width=50%/> :'''Finn''': We must have left ''millions'' on that beach! What is the deal, Big-V? :'''Shendu''': ''[revealing himself in possession of Valmont's body]'' Valmont cannot hear you! :''[the enforcers gasp in surprise]'' :'''Chow''': Uh-oh. :'''Finn''': Shendu? :'''Ratso''': ''He's baaack''... :''[the enforcers lay the Talismans before Shendu]'' :'''Chow''': Your Talismans, Mr. Shendu. :'''Ratso''': We was takin' care of 'em for ya. ''[chuckles nervously, as the Enforcers try to leave, with Shendu blocking their path]'' :'''Shendu''': Keep your Talismans, they no longer matter to me. :''[Valmont regains control of his body]'' :'''Chow''': Wow... :'''Valmont''': ''[confused]'' How did I- Where is the money?! :'''Finn''': Uhh, Big-V? Shendu's back. :'''Valmont''': What?! ''WHERE?!'' :'''Ratso''': Inside ''you''! :'''Valmont''': ....Wha- That's preposterous- ''[walks past a mirror to see Shendu's reflection]'' AH! Get out! :'''Shendu''': Trust me, Valmont, the feeling is mutual. But for now, you and your thugs will assist me, or perish! ''[breathes fire from Valmont's mouth at the enforcers]'' :'''Chow''': Got it! :'''Finn''': We're swinging to your beat! <hr width="50%"/> :''[as Jackie and Captain Black find themselves surrounded by Shadowkhan]'' :'''Jackie''': But I don't understand! Valmont can't summon the Shadowkhan. Only Shendu. :'''Shendu''': ''[in possession of Valmont's body]'' Reports of my demise have been greatly exaggerated, Chan. :''[Jackie gasps]'' :'''Captaini Black''': Whoa! :'''Shendu''': Destroy them... ===The J-Team [2.2]=== :'''Captain Black''': Unc, that was some magic! :'''Uncle''': ''[scoffs]'' Simple Chi spell. Many others in my book. :'''Jade''': So the big bad dragon ''is'' back? ''And'' he's packing the Talismans? :'''Uncle''': Talismans are not important! Shendu is a spirit now. Not even the Talismans can change that. :'''Captain Black''': So you figure he's onto something bigger, mi compadre? :'''Uncle''': The book Shendu stole from my library is the key to understanding his motives. :'''Tohru''': But which volume did he steal? :'''Uncle''': ''How do I know?!'' We must take inventory! :'''Captain Black''': ''[holding a book]'' So all these books have spells? ''[Uncle cuffs him]'' Oww! :'''Uncle''': Do not touch! :'''Captain Black''': Aww... <hr width=50%/> :'''Uncle''': Go away, we are closed for inventory! :'''El Toro Fuerte''': We are not customers. :'''Uncle''': ''JACKIEEE!!!'' A burglar! :'''Jackie''': ''[runs in]'' Uncle, he is no thief! He is- ''[Uncle cuffs him]'' Oww! :'''Uncle''': Of course he is a thief! He is wearing a mask! :'''Paco''': Oh no no no, El Toro Fuerte never removes his mask! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jackie''': Jade, explain. :'''Jade''': It's your team, duh. The J-Team. The Chan Clan. The Chantastic five! :'''Jackie''': Chantastic? :'''Jade''': Five, see? You and me make two! And then there's Viper! And El Toro makes four! :'''Paco''': And I, Paco am the fifth member of the J-Team! :'''Jade''': I actually had someone less...puny in mind. ''[looks to Tohru]'' :'''Tohru''': Hmm? ...I am honored. :'''Jackie''': I am sorry you all came here for nothing, but I didn't realize my niece read so many comic books. <hr width=50%/> :'''Hak Foo''': ''[waking up]'' '''SLUMBERING BEAR GREETS THE DAWN!''' <hr width=50%/> :''[Tohru crashes through the wall]'' :'''Finn''': Tohru, buddy! :'''Ratso''': You're alive! :'''Tohru''': Good to see you. ''[grabs the enforcers and throws them against the wall]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Chow''': Heat beams, sweet! ''[uses the Pig Talisman which shatters his glasses immediately]'' Hey! My glasses! <hr width=50%/> :'''Hak Foo''': ''[fighting Tohru]'' Mad Monkey Kung Fu! Octopus Fists of Fury! Shredding Bear Claws! Minnow Wallops Whale! :'''Tohru''': I'm sorry, what was the last part? :'''Hak Foo''': I said, "Minnow-" :''[Tohru rams into him, pushing him to the floor]'' :'''Hak Foo''': ''[dazed]'' "What was that last part..." ''[Tohru chuckles]'' I wasn't going to use these... ''[activates the Sheep Talisman]'' ...but ''now'' you've made me mad! ''[lunges at Tohru in Astral form]'' Astral projection?! Gah! :''[Hak Foo turns to see Tohru walk over to his unconscious body, and drop his full weight onto him, Hak Foo returns to his body] :'''Hak Foo''': ''Oww!!'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Uncle''': ''[kicks away Hak Foo]'' You are blocking my light! ===Jade Times Jade [2.3]=== :'''Valmont''': ''[after the Pan'ku Box closes]'' Tell me someone wrote that down...anyone? <hr width=50%/> :'''Jackie''': Uncle, please. Slow down. :'''Jade''': You so need to chill! :'''Uncle''': If I chill, Demons will be dancing upon all our graves! I must research the proper Chi Spells to seal the seven portals! All required ingredients must be on hand and ready! :'''Jackie''': Uncle, at least let me help! ''[Uncle grabs him by the ear]'' :'''Uncle''': What do ''you'' know about magic?! I was apprentice to Chi Master Fong for fifteen years! ''[sighs]'' Perhaps it is time for me to train an apprentice of my own. Someone of sound Judgement, whom I can trust with my Chi knowledge. :'''Jade''': Me, me, me! I'll put some focus in your hocus! :'''Uncle''': Tohru! :'''Tohru''': Huh?! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jade''': ''[following Jackie]'' I've got your back, Jack. :'''Jade Clone''': Tokyo's mondo-coolio, don'tcha think? :'''Jade''': ''[gasp]'' What are you doing here?! :'''Jade Clone''': Tch, like I was gonna miss this! :'''Jade''': But, my homework! We promised Jackie! :'''Jade Clone''': No, ''you'' promised Jackie! <hr width=50%/> :'''Uncle''': Aiii-yaaa! :'''Tohru''': ''[waking up]'' U-Uncle? ''[Uncle cuffs him]'' Oww! :'''Uncle''': You cast a lousy spell! :'''Tohru''': I did? :'''Uncle''': My one of a kind vase is no longer one of a kind! :''[shows him the vase that was duplicated; before it immediately splits into yet another vase]'' :'''Uncle''': ''[gasp]'' One ''more'' thing! <hr width=50%/> :'''Po Kong''': ''[seeing the army of Jade clones]'' Mmmm...finger food! :'''Jade Clones''': You mean, knuckle sandwhich! <hr width=50%/> :'''Uncle''': Now, the drum! :'''Tohru''': Uh...drum? :'''Uncle''': The symbol of the immortal who originally imprisoned Po Kong! :'''Tohru''': ''[gulps]'' I...thought ''you'' had it. :'''Uncle''': ''Aiii-yaaa!'' What kind of apprentice are you?! :'''Tohru''': ...a lousy one? <hr width=50%/> :'''Jackie''': Uncle! The Pan'ku box! :'''Uncle''': I think there is a bigger problem to solve. :''[they look at the Jade army of clones who chuckle nervously]'' :'''Uncle''': ''[sighs]'' I must do research... :'''Tohru''': Uh, no need, sensei. I believe no finishing charm was applied to the original duplication spell. That is why it continues to repeat. :'''Uncle''': Huh? :'''Tohru''': Uh, I did some reading during the long flight. :'''Uncle''': Tohru will be a ''good'' apprentice. :'''Jackie''': Did you bring the finishing charm? :'''Tohru''': ''[nods]'' But it will only work on the original Jade. :'''Jackie''': Jade! :''[all the Jade clones begin to beckon to themselves]'' :'''Jackie''': ''[groans]'' Okay! Whoever cast the spell in the first place is grounded with no TV for a year! :'''Jade Clones''': ''[gasp]'' She did it! ''[all point to one Jade]'' :'''Jade''': Tch...tattle-tales. ===Rumble in the Big House [2.4]=== :'''Shendu''': The portal of Xiao Fung the Wind Demon lies on the southern land mass, four million and one cubits above the southern hemisphere, beyond the blasted forest, nestled between the rolling hills. :'''Ratso''': Uh, the only thing I see ''nestling''... :'''Finn''': ...is Hollowlands Penitentiary! :'''Valmont''': You mean to tell us that the demon portal lies within those prison walls, Shendu? :'''Shendu''': Do not take that tone with me, Valmont! ''I'' did not build the fortress! :'''Ratso''': I've heard of busting out of jail, but breaking ''in''? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Captain Black''': Valmont and his pals have been spotted downtown. You in, Jackie? :'''Jade''': We're there! :'''Jackie''': Is your name Jackie? ''[Jade frowns]'' Captain Black, I thought all Dark Hand matters had been reassigned to Section 12! :'''Captain Black''': That may be so, but I'm not going to sit pretty while the Dark Hand strolls into my backyard and hands a hall pass to a hobgoblin! :'''Jade''' Captain Black is in the house! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Captain Black''': Don't worry. All you have to do is fix your way into Valmont's gang, and get ahold of that Pan Ku Box before they open the portal with it. :'''Jackie''': Oh, is that all? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Finn''': Whoa! We struck demon. :'''Xiao Fung''': Not ''any'' demon. Xiao Fung, Demon of the Wind. :'''Ratso''': Uh, like breaking wind? :'''Xiao Fung''': ''[blows them backwards with his powers]'' Like breaking ''bones''! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Xiao Fung''': Ahh, the sweet scent of freedom! :'''Finn''': Uh, actually, Your Breeziness, sir? You're not exactly free. :'''Xiao Fung''': No? :'''Ratso''': You're in the hoosegow! :'''Finn''': Prison! :'''Xiao Fung''': This "prison" is paradise compared to the ghastly abyss I escaped. :'''Finn''': Whatever you say, chief, but outside's even better! Beaches, movies... :'''Ratso''': Yeah, so why don't you huff and puff and blow this house down? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Xiao Fung''': Where is Shendu? :'''Ratso''': Shendu's in Valmont. :'''Finn''': And Valmont's in solitary. :'''Xiao Fung''': Hmm. If I do not free this Valmont, I will be burdened with freeing my brothers and sisters. Very well. :''[changes into a human]'' :'''Finn''': Whoa, you guys can do that? :'''Xiao Fung''': Concealment seems prudent. Demons seem to stick out like sore thumbs in this modern world... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jackie''': ''[as Chance Jackson; calling Section 13]'' Uhhh...chinchilla. ''[pause]'' What's a chinchilla?! ''[beat]'' That's the ''password!'' Just get me Captain Black! ''[pause]'' What do you mean he can't be disturbed?! :''[at Section 13, Captain Black is doing an [[w:ink blot test|ink blot test]] with two therapists]'' :'''Captain Black''': ''[for one blot]'' Demon. ''[another blot is shown]'' I see a demon. :'''Therapist''': And this one? ''[shows another blot]'' :'''Captain Black''': Socks. Worn by a really ''big'' demon. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jackie''': ''[on phone as Chance]'' Uncle? It is ''me''...your ''nephew''... :'''Uncle''': What? It does not sound like you! ''[pause]'' What do you mean you are in prison?! You are a ''BAD'' influence on Jade! Good thing it is not really you. ''[hangs up]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Jade''': Who was that, Uncle? :'''Uncle''': Ah, crank call. :'''Jade''': [[w:Prince Albert (tobacco)|Prince Albert in a can]]? :'''Uncle''': Nah, crazy talk about demons and prisons. ''[Jade and Uncle suddenly realize]'' ''AIII-YAAA''! <hr width=50%/> :'''Ratso''': ''[picking up Jackie's Chance Jackson mask]'' I ''liked'' you... <hr width=50%/> :'''Uncle''': ''[taking a fan from an old woman]'' I'm sorry. I will bring this back. ''Thank you!'' ===And He Does His Own Stunts [2.5]=== :'''Shendu''': ''[guiding Chow and Hak Foo who are carrying a large box]'' Ah ah, gently. Watch your step! Place it over to the left. :'''Valmont''': ''[regaining control]'' ...and into the incinerator! We could use some firewood. :'''Shendu''': Silence! With some sprucing, this fish heap will be worthy of housing a demon sorceror! :'''Valmont''': ''Ex''-demon sorceror. :'''Shendu''': I may be vanquished, but I am still in charge, Valmont. As you can well see. :'''Valmont''': This is ''my'' hideout, and my body, Shendu! :'''Shendu''': Which reminds me, I have a change of wardrobe in mind for us! :'''Valmont''': Huh?! You wouldn't dare! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jackie''': Hollywood? I'm on my way, Captain Black. :'''Jade:''' ''[surprises Jackie]'' Jackie, can I come with? ''Please???'' :'''Jackie:''' Jade, the Dark Hand is there, no doubt searching for a demon portal. :'''Jade:''' But Jackie, Raphaelo DiCapizio is getting his footprints in cement at the Chinese Theater this weekend! :'''Jackie:''' ''Who-phealo DeCa-who-zio?'' :'''Jade:''' Tch. ''Hello?'' Raphaelo DiCapizio is only the greatest movie star in the history of... history! :'''Uncle''': Ahhh, I guess you have never heard of [[w:John Wayne|John Wayne]]! :'''Tohru''': Ahh, the Duke. "Saddle up, Pilgrim!" <hr width=50%/> :'''Tohru''': I am ''so'' sorry I screamed, Jade. :'''Jade''': Yeah, uh, [[w:Frankenstein's monster|Frankenstein]] did look pretty life-like, T. Must be all that wax. :'''Tohru''': Uh, maybe we should bring back a souvenir for Uncle. ''[approaches the gift shop desk]'' Do you have any photos of John Wayne? ''[the girl looking at Tohru behind the desk, obviously intimidated by his size, holds up photos]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Ratso''': Aww, we're wandering anyway! I wanna see [[w:Clark Gable|Clark Gable's]] old house! :'''Finn''': [[w:Gone With the Wind (film)|Frankly Ratso, I don't give a darn!]] <hr width=50%/> :''[after a fight Jackie has with a puppet]'' :'''Director Nigel''': ''Cut!'' Who are you?! :'''Jackie''': This is a movie set? :'''Jade''': Awesome! Are you gonna put Jackie in your movie? :'''Nigel''': Oh sure! AFTER I HAVE HIM ARRESTED! :'''Larry Franklin''': Nigel, Nigel! Calm down! ''[shaking Jade's hand]'' Larry Franklin, producer of "Ninjas in the Hood"! ''[to Jackie]'' That was quite a display te way you ''[impersonating Jackie's fighting]'' Bam! And Bam, Bam, BAM! You have an agent? :'''Jackie''': Uhhh... :'''Jade''': That would be ''moi''. :'''Larry''': Bam bam! This town's getting younger everyday! :'''Jade''': Look, Lar! Jackie Chan here is going to be the next big action superstar, and ''you'' have the opportunity to get in on the ground floor! :'''Jackie''': ''Jaaade...'' :'''Jade''': Right, Jackie. Did I mention that he does all his own stunts? <hr width=50%/> :'''Security Guard''': Pass? :'''Jackie''': Yes, I would like to! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jackie''': ''[jumping the Dark Hand, and taking the Pan'ku Box]'' Sorry, I can't bring it back, thank you! <hr width=50%/> :'''Hak Foo''': Woodchuck chucks wood! <hr width=50%/> :'''Shendu''': As the thunder claps, so do I applaud your skill, brother! :'''Tchang Zu''': Shendu! You may call me, "Master"! :'''Shendu''': ...Of course...''master''! :'''Finn''': Ohh...Tssss.... <hr width=50%/> :'''Jackie''': ''[his cell phone rings]'' Hello? Jade! Where are you? :'''Jade''': Duh...Chinese Theater? But so is the Thunder Demon, and he's packing serious voltage! :'''Jackie''': How do you do that-? Never mind! Jade, do nothing until I get there! ''[hangs up]'' :'''Uncle''': Jade ''never'' does nothing! :'''Jackie''': I know, but I feel I have to say it. <hr width=50%/> :'''Uncle''': ''[in a shop in Chinatown]'' One more thing! Powder of Komodo Dragon tooth. One more thing! Tincture of Tortoise Shell! One more thing! Castanets, the symbol of Tsao Kuo-Ch'iu. :'''Shopkeeper''': In Chinatown? <hr width=50%/> :'''Larry Franklin''': Who's the old guy? ''[referring to Uncle]'' :'''Jade''': Cranky co-star, occasional comedy relief. ===Queen of the Shadowkhan [2.6]=== :'''The kids''': No way! :'''Girl''': Drew got a tattoo?! :'''Jade''': Hmmm...yeah. Been thinking I might get one of those. :'''Drew''': ''[laughs]'' Oh, yeah. Sure Jade. Like you're dig-in-the-dirt-with-tiny-brushes-Uncle Jackie would ''ever let you'' get a tattoo! :'''Jade''': ''[defensive]'' He would ''so'' let me, Drew! By tomorrow, I'm gonna have the gnarliest tattoo in the history of...''gnarl''! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jade''': Hey Jackie, how was your trip, have you lost weight, can I get a tattoo? :'''Jackie''': ''[chuckling]'' My trip was- ''A TATTOO?!'' :'''Jade''': ''Please'' Jackie? All the kids at school are- :'''Jackie''': No. :'''Jade''': But- :'''Jackie''': No! :'''Jade''': But- :'''Jackie''': No. :'''Jade''': But- :'''Jackie''': No tattoos for Jade. Period! <hr width=50%/> :'''Valmont''': I will put up with a lot, Shendu. But I draw the line at wearing a dress! :'''Shendu''': This is a sorceror's robe! :'''Finn''': ''[laughing]'' Shen-dudet! ''[bows]'' :'''Ratso''': Pretty dress. :'''Chow''': Very becoming! :'''Shendu''': ''[annoyed]'' Where is my archive? :'''Ratso''': Uh, Chan's got it. :'''Chow''': But it wasn't our fault! :'''Finn''': Yeah, that's right! The Shadowkhan were there too! :'''Shendu''': The Shadowkhan are my puppets. They do only what ''I'' command! Are you suggesting that this is ''MY'' fault?! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jackie''': Jade? :'''Jade''': Huh? :'''Jackie''': Why are you wearing snow boots? :'''Jade''': Heard it might snow? :'''Jackie''': Oh, it's 72 degrees out. ''[begins to remove one boot]'' :'''Jade''': AVALANCHE! ''[Jackie looks behind him, she places her now exposed foot in her backpack as he looks back at her]'' Heh, false alarm. :'''Jackie''': ''[turns her foot to reveal the tattoo she made]'' Jade, wash this off, right now! :'''Jade''': Err...tried that. :'''Jackie''': What? It's a ''real'' tattoo?! :'''Jade''': By accident! :'''Uncle''': ''[walks in]'' How can you get a tattoo by acci-''[sees the symbol on her foot and gasps in horror]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Hak Foo''': ''[after the Shadowkhan cream him in a fight; running away]'' Bunny flees from vicious jackals! AHHHHHHHH!!!! <hr width=50%/> :'''Hak Foo''': ''[in bandages]'' I am telling you, it was the Shadowkhan who did this to me! :'''Finn''': ''[the rest of the Dark Hand are also in bandages]'' Chan kicked our butts too! :'''Chow''': Yeah, you don't hear us lying about it. :'''Shendu''': Need I remind you, the Shadowkhan do only what I command? ''Come, minions!'' :''[a great spectacle happens as Shendu tries to summon the Shadowkhan, but none appear]'' :'''Shendu''': ...minions? :'''Valmont''': It would seem you have lost your touch, Shendu. :'''Shendu''': I HAVE NOT LOST MY TOUCH! <hr width=50%/> :'''Finn''': ''[in a disguise]'' Finn to Ratso, I'm in position. ''[knocks on Uncle's Shop door]'' :'''Uncle''': Too busy, come back later! :'''Finn''': ''[with an accent]'' But I am a ''vealthy'' art collector! :'''Uncle''': ''[opens door]'' Welcome to Uncle's Rare Finds! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jade''': ''[eyeing the Dark Hand, with the Shadowkhan behind her]'' Give 'em a spanking! <hr width=50%/> :''[the Shadowkhan are bowing before Jade, who's skin color is slightly a pale blue]'' :'''Jade''': See Jackie? Total control. They do what I tell them, and I only tell them to do good. So can I keep 'em? :'''Jackie''': No, jade! :'''Jade''': Awww...why not? :'''Jackie''': Because you're turning blue! :'''Jade''': Blue's my favorite color. Besides, we gave Tohru a chance! :'''Jackie''': Tohru is human! Now, I want you to make them go away, until Uncle can find a- :'''Uncle''': Huh-cha! I have found a potion that will make Jade's tattoo vanish! :'''Jade''': But I like my tattoo! You can't do this to me! :'''Jackie''': It's for your own safety, Jade. :'''Uncle''': Now sit still, while I apply the potion. ''[leans to apply the potion, only to have the tattoo violently react]'' :'''Jade''': Do not touch me! I am, and shall remain, Queen of the Shadowkhan! ===Shanghai Moon [2.7]=== :'''Hak Foo''': ''[as the Pan'ku Box reveals the next portal, out in Space]'' To find this portal, we must travel north. ''Very'' north. :'''Ratso''': Brrr...chilly. :'''Hak Foo''': ''Very'', very north. :'''Chow''': Okay, check the warranty on the box! We're like halfway to the moon! :'''Shendu''': Where did you ''think'' Tso Lan, the Moon Demon, would be found? <hr width=50%/> :'''Captain Black''': Valmont and his cronies have been spotted in Florida, near Cape Canaveral. :'''Jackie''': I'm on my way. :'''Jade''': ''[suddenly appears]'' Hey! Going on a mission, Jackie? :'''Jackie''': Uh, no! It's not a mission, it's uh, a conference on Feng Shui! :'''Captain Black''': In Minnesota! :'''Jackie''': Want to come? :'''Jade''': Umm, I would Jackie, but you know I have that new science project to cook up. <hr width=50%/> :'''Ratso''': Uhh, don't we need like, astronaut training? :'''Shendu''': Climb aboard! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jade''': ''[surprises Jackie]'' Hi Jackie! :'''Jackie''': Jade! :'''Jade''': ''[her space suit is draping over her]'' Check out the monkey-suit. Literally. :'''Jackie''': But, how did you- :'''Jade''': ''[holds up the Rabbit Talisman]'' Speed Talisman. Fastest way to get to...''Minnesota?'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Captain Black''': ''[taking over the Space Station Headquarters]'' This is a Level Seven override. My engineers will take it from here. :'''Space Station Supervisor''': ...okay. <hr width=50%/> :'''Shendu''': Chan?! :'''Finn''': ''Everybody's'' an astronaut. <hr width=50%/> :'''Hak Foo''': [[w:Neil Armstrong|The eagle has landed]]! <hr width=50%/> :'''Shendu''': Tso Lan, so good to see you. :'''Tso Lan''': Skip the pleasantries, Shendu. I am interested only in seizing control of the Moon's gravity, so that I may pull the ball from its orbit. :'''Jade''': But- But that'll wreck all of Earth's ecosystems! :'''Ratso''': How do ''you'' know? :'''Jade''': I watch the Science Network! ''[Ratso blows a raspberry at Jade]'' :'''Tso Lan''': The child is correct. And only then will Earth's landscape be to ''my'' liking. :'''Ratso''': Whoa! He wants to kabosh the planet! :'''Finn''': And you made us let him out?! :'''Shendu''': Just be glad you are up here. <hr width=50%/> :''[after Jackie knocks the Dark Hand into the trash pod]'' :'''Valmont''': Shendu...I despise you. :'''Shendu''': I heard that! <hr width=50%/> :'''Tso Lan''': Behold, my mastery of gravity. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jackie''': ''[after banishing Tso Lan]'' So long, Tso Lan. :'''Jade''': ''[jumping along the Moon's surface]'' My science project is gonna rock! ''[does the moon dance]'' ===Armor of the Gods [2.8]=== :'''Jackie''': ''[as the spear he's using to fight Shadowkhan disintegrates]'' Heh...termites... <hr width=50%/> :'''Uncle''': Jackie! ''[Jackie jumps in surprise, dropping the armor he's carrying]'' You are too loud! :'''Jackie''': Uncle, you are the one who's yelling! :'''Uncle''': ''[gasp]'' You dishonor the only known existing relic of the Eight Immortals! :'''Jackie''': Ye-eh-You caused me to drop it! :'''Uncle''': ''[gasp]'' You dishonor your Uncle! :'''Jade''': ''[very sleepy]'' Hey Jackie... :'''Jackie''': Jade, what are you doing up? :'''Jade''': "Old Yeller" is keeping us all up. He hasn't slept in days! :'''Uncle''': Tohru! Where is my tea?! :'''Tohru''': ''[sleeping standing up and holding tea]'' Er, what? ''[falls asleep again, pouring tea on the floor]'' :'''Uncle''': AII-YAA! :'''Jackie''': Uncle, why won't you sleep? :'''Uncle''': Because, I have demons on the brain! I lay down, and all I hear is "Chi spell! Chi spell! Chi spell!!!" :'''Jackie''': Have you tried counting sheep? :'''Uncle''': Demons always eat them. :'''Jackie''': Well...thank you for watching Jade. ''[proceeds to leave]'' :'''Uncle''': Where are you going?! We must study the Immortal's Armor and discover what magic it holds! :'''Jackie''': ''Now?'' It is 3 AM Uncle. You should really try to sleep. ''[cell phone rings]'' :'''Uncle''': How can I sleep with all this noise?! :'''Jackie''': ''[answers phone]'' Yes? :'''Captain Black''': Jackie, we've spotted the Dark Hand. :'''Jackie''': I'm on my way! :'''Captain Black''': Care to know where you're going? :'''Jackie''': I don't care. Anywhere but here. :'''Captain Black''': Okaaay... :'''Jackie''': ....''[hangs up phone]'' Uncle, I'm off to Spain! I will call you for the Chi spell, once I find out what Demon we're dealing with. ''[begins to leave fast]'' :'''Uncle''': Take the armor, it could be of some use! :'''Jackie''': But you have to discover what magic it holds! :'''Uncle''': How can I do that if you take it with you?! <hr width=50%/> :''[in the streets of Spain]'' :'''Valmont''': Festive. :'''Ratso''': I'm telling you Pamplona's [[w:Running of the Bulls|famous for something]]. :'''Hak Foo''': It must be the [[w:paella|paella]]. :'''Ratso''': Ohh! The thing they hit with the stick until candy comes out? :'''Valmont''': That would be a piñata, Ratso. This is ''Spain'', not Mexico. <hr width=50%/> :''[Jade is watching TV]'' :'''Uncle''': Jade! TV is too loud! :''[Jade turns down volume]'' :'''Uncle''': ''STILL'' too loud! :''[annoyed, turns off the TV]'' :'''Uncle''': I can hear the electricity in the wires! ''UNPLUG''! :'''Jade''': I wish there was a way to unplug Uncle... <hr width=50%/> :'''Uncle''': Jade! The books are laughing at me! :'''Jade''': ''[to herself]'' Not for long. ''[to Uncle]'' Tea, dear Uncle? :'''Uncle''': Yes. Ha-cha! ''[sits and takes a sip of the tea]'' BAGH! Jade! This tea tastes like it was brewed with beard of goat! ''[sips again]'' One more thing! It is bitter! One more thing! It is cold! ''One more thing!'' ''[falls asleep]'' :'''Jade''': ''[gasps; before making sure her sleeping spell worked]'' Ha-cha! <hr width=50%/> :'''Captain Black''': Black. :'''Jackie''': Captain Black, I've been trying to reach you for hours! :'''Captain Black''': Sorry, Jackie, company softball game. Guess who hit a home run? :'''Jackie''': You did? Oh, congradula- no! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jackie''': ''[lifting a boulder with the power of the armor after being crushed by it]'' Didn't feel a thing! <hr width=50%/> :'''Tohru''': ''[upon finding a fissure]'' Earthquake? :'''Jade''': Earth ''Demon''. <hr width=50%/> :'''Dai Gui''': Dai Gui does not like flowers! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jade''': Here comes my favorite part! ''[mouths Dai Gui's scream]'' :'''Dai Gui''': NOOOOOO!!!! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jackie''': How are you feeling, Uncle? :'''Uncle''': Very well, thank you...except for the Demon screaming in my face! One more thing! I told you the armor was good armor! One more thing! You should never question Uncle! :'''Tohru''': You should have made Uncle's tea stronger. He is still cranky. :'''Jade''': I don't think there's enough tea in China to simmer Uncle down. But I'll take Mr. Sourpuss over Mr. Happypants any old day! ===Tale of the Demon Tail/Demon in Di-Skies [2.9]=== :''[Shendu approaches the women's bathroom]'' :'''Ratso''': Whoa, boss! You can't go in where no man has gone before. :'''Shendu''': We are not going ''in'', fool! Hsi Wu the Sky Demon is coming ''out''! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Captain Black''': I don't care if you ''are'' wearing a dress, Valmont. You are NOT going in the little girl's room! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Drew''': Hey, Jade, going to the spring dance Friday night? :'''Jade''': Eh, was thinking about it. :'''Drew''': Who are you gonna go with? A ''ninja''? Or do you only fight them? :''[children laugh]'' :'''Jade''': You're a riot, Drew. :'''Hsi Wu''': ''[disguised as Seymour]'' Hey, Drew, who are you gonna go with? Your ''mother''? :'''Drew:''' No...I... ''[children laugh at Drew]'' :'''Kids:''' Mama's boy. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Uncle''': This friend of Jade's is too polite. :'''Jackie''': Uncle, Jade finally has a friend her own age. This could keep her away from portals and demons. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jade''': Seymour's loads more fun than any of the other kids at school! We like the same things, and he actually listens to me! We're like Yin and Yang, Yang and Yin. :'''Tohru''': Good and evil? :'''Jade''': Left and right; two halves of the same whole. Duh. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Seymour''': I smell a spell! :''[the tail flies towards him; he catches it]'' :'''Seymour''': ''Stee''-rike! :'''Jade''': You're--you're... :'''Seymour''': ''[changing into Hsi Wu]'' A demon? ''Still'' want to go the dance with me? :'''Jade''': Not! <hr width=50%/> :'''Hsi Wu''': What have you done to my tail, sly Uncle?! :'''Uncle''': Ancient proverb: None of your bees-wax! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jade takes the Tiger Talisman]'' :'''Jade''': Fight fire with fire. Fight yin... with yang. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jackie''': Uncle, run! :'''Uncle''': ''[sitting on top of a water tower, looking around]'' Where to? <hr width=50%/> :'''Jade''': ''[after releasing Hsi Wu's tail]'' Tails. You lose. <hr width="50%"/> :''[after Hsi Wu's banishment]'' :'''Jade''': So long... Seymour. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jade''': You were right about the good and evil thing, T. :'''Tohru''': There will be other dances, Jade. :'''Jade''': Dance, schmance. I am so over Seymour! I just miss having someone around who listens. ''[pause]'' Someone... like ''you''! ''[gives Tohru her necklace]'' Yin and Yang. Big and small. You and me. ===The New Atlantis [2.10]=== :'''Ratso''': ''[as Bai Tza is lreleased]'' Whoa. Fish out of water. :'''Bai Tza''': At last! Liberation! And now for some ''libation''...which will require moister climes than this! :'''Shendu''': Ah ah ah! Now that I have opened the last portal, sister Bai Tza, it is time to liberate me from my prison of flesh! :'''Bai Ta''': ''[grabs Shendu]'' You ''DARE'' request your freedom?! :'''Shendu''': Have I not earned it?! As promised, I have released all of our brothers and sisters! :'''Bai Tza''': How curious then, THAT SIX DEMON SORCERORS REMAIN TRAPPED IN THE VOID! I should obliderate you on their behalf! :'''Shendu''': I held my part of the bargain! You cannot blame me for the meddlings of Jackie Chan! <hr width=50%/> :'''Valmont''': Is it over? Am I free of Shendu?! :'''Finn''': Uhh, the mermaid said no deal, Big-V. <hr width=50%/> :'''Bai Tza''': Your spells may have quelled my siblings...but ''I'' am the slippery one! <hr width=50%/> :'''Valmont''': ''[as Shendu grows new features on Valmont's body, such as green skin, scales, and a horn]'' Wearing the skirt is demeaning enough, Shendu, but ''this'' is over the line! :'''Shendu''': Do you think ''I'' am pleased with our union, Valmont?! If I am to remain in your pathetic body, I must at least make a few cosmetic improvements! Now hold still while I sprout our tail! <hr width=50%/> :'''Valmont''': Good madame, free me of Shendu, I beg you. Look what he did to my head! ''[Bai Tza grabs him]'' :'''Bai Tza''': My answer to you, ''and'' my ''sniveling'' brother remains...no! ''[drops him]'' :'''Finn''': Ohh, ''nasty'' piranha! :'''Bai Tza''': You! :'''Finn''': Him? ''[indicating to Ratso, before he's grabbed]'' Heh, hey. You're a fish, I'm Finn! We're sympetico! :'''Bai Tza''': DIrect me to a suitable new empire! :'''Finn''': Uh, mi casa es su casa, your amphibiousness! :'''Bai Tza''': A ''FISH cannery''?! :'''Finn''': I see your point. Well, there's lots of nice places here in San Fran. And it's all by the water. :'''Chow''': Yeah! Great town! :'''Ratso''': Oh, except for the quakes. :'''Bai Tza''': ''Earth''quakes? :'''Finn''': Uh, that's right. The San Andreas Fault runs right through downtown. Better idea, you should move to the East Coast! :'''Bai Tza''': Very well, your San Fran shall be the cradle of my new undersea empire! :'''Ratso''': Uh, but isn't your new undersea empire supposed to be...you know... :'''Chow''': Undersea? :'''Bai Tza''': And so it shall be, once I sink this city! <hr width=50%/> :'''Finn''': Uh, can we be excused, Shendu? :'''Ratso''': Yeah, seeing as how we opened all the portals for you... :'''Chow''': You don't need us to carry old Pan'ku anymore. :'''Shendu''': Never seeing any of you ever again would make me a very happy dragon. :'''Ratso''': Say "Bye bye" to Valmont! ''[enforcers begin to leave]'' :'''Finn''': I hear Utah's nice this time of year! :'''Chow''': Anywhere but here! :'''Valmont''': Weren't you listening Shendu?! If we stay here, we will drown! :'''Shendu''': Not if we have gills! <hr width=50%/> :'''Valmont''': Good evening. :'''Jackie''': What do you want?! :'''Valmont''': Shh! You will wake Shendu! :'''Jackie''': He's napping? :'''Valmont''': I rendered him unconscious, now please! You must help me! I want him exorcised! :'''Jade''': Tch. Like we're gonna help Shendu get in shape? <hr width=50%/> :'''Tohru''': Tea, sensei? :'''Uncle''': Thank you. :'''Valmont''': Oh jolly good, Tohru, I would love a spot. ''[Tohru growls at Valmont]'' Uh...right then... ''[sits back down]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Valmont''': Just like old times, eh Tohru? ''[Tohru growls at Valmont]'' I recommend you watch your back, Chan! Tohru turned coat on me, remember? :'''Tohru''': You forced me to fight a demon! :'''Valmont''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh ''yes''. That's ''completely'' different from what Chan has you doing! <hr width=50%/> :'''Valmont''': ''[after Jade is discovered to have followed them]'' So this is why your niece is always with you, and here I just thought you were horribly irresponsible! <hr width=50%/> :'''Tohru''': ''[to Valmont]'' If Jade does not remain safe, I will turn you inside out. <hr width=50%/> :'''Bai Tza''': Welcome to ''my'' world, Chan! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jade''': Jackie! :'''Valmont''': I'm not sure who to root for! ''[Jade punches Valmont angrily]'' ...Go Jackie. :'''Jade''': Go Valmont. :'''Valmont''': And ruin my Italian shoes? :'''Jade''': And keep Shendu for a roomate? ===The Eighth Door [2.11]=== :'''Bai Tza''': ''[as Uncle begins the Chi Spell]'' The Chi Wizard! ''[the Chi Spell launches and hits Bai Tza]'' NOOO!!! :'''Jade''': ''[filming from the front of the boat]'' Ooh! Fish fry! ''[she is suddenly caught in the crossfire of the Chi Spell, and lifted from the boat]'' Whoa! :'''Jackie''': Jade!!! :'''Jade''': ''[flying with the beam of the spell]'' ''JACKIE''!!! Whoaaah! :''[Bai Tza's portal opens sucking her inside, along with Jade; back at the boat, Uncle collapses in grief]'' :'''Jackie''': Uncle! We have to get Jade! You have to reopen the portal! :'''Uncle''': ''[tosses his Chi equipment aside]'' The Chi Spell has sealed the portal, like it has sealed all the others...''forever''... ''[begins to cry]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Jackie''': ''[trying to start the boat]'' Hurry, Uncle! We must fly to Rome! :'''Uncle''': Jade is not in Rome, Jackie. She is trapped in the Demon Netherworld. :'''Tohru''': Oh why couldn't it have been me? :'''Jackie''': ''[grunts in frustration]'' There must be something we can do, Uncle! A counterspell! A ''stronger'' spell! SOME WAY TO- ''[Uncle cuffs him]'' Oww! :'''Uncle''': I cannot think with all your noise! ''[in deep thought]'' The ''Eighth'' Door! :'''Jackie''': Uncle? :'''Uncle''': We have permanently sealed seven portals belonging to seven Demon Sorcerors, but ''not'' the one belonging to Shendu! It is Jade's only hope of escape from the Demon Realm... <hr width=50%/> :'''Jade''': ''[filming the area around her]'' The Demon Netherworld, where Demon Sorcerors go when they've been bad. Where no human has gone before, until now. ''[breaking character]'' My ratings will be huge! ''[sigh]'' If I can find a way out of here... <hr width=50%/> :'''Bai Tza''': Now about the Eighth Door, Shendu, it is the portal of ''your'' banishment. Only you may pass through it. :'''Shendu''': That once was true Bai Tza, but now that I am a spirit, my portal is vacant, waiting to be filled by others. :'''Tso Lan''': You mean ''an''other. Only one may pass through each portal. :'''Xiao Fung''': That is the rule. :'''Shendu''': ...Do you think I have been dallying here?! ''[holds up a phone book]'' I have discovered a spell, uh which will keep the portal open until the last of you is free! In fact, I was just preparing to journey to it when you called. Hak Foo! Bring me- ''[the Pan'Ku Box is being lifted away by Jackie]'' ''THE PAN'KU BOX?!'' :'''Hak Foo''': Shark snatches bait! ''[leaps for the box]'' :'''Bai Tza''': What shark? :'''Xiao Fung''': What is he talking about? :'''Jade''': ''[whipsers brightfully]'' Jackie! :''[Jackie kicks Hak Foo into a gong]'' :'''Bai Tza''': Shendu, what is happening?! :'''Shendu''': Uhh, Hak Foo always sounds the gong as we take our leave. Which reminds me...''[begins to cover up the mirror]'' See you all at my portal! ''[covers the mirror]'' :'''Bai Tza''': Shendu! :'''Po Kong''': Can he be trusted? :'''Dai Gui''': Of course not! :'''Xiao Fung''': Yet we have no other options. :'''Tso Lan''': But all of eternity to punish him, should he again deceive us. <hr width=50%/> :'''Valmont''': And we are on our way to China, why? :'''Shendu''': Chan has stolen the Pan'Ku Box. Clearly he wants to find my portal so he can seal it. :'''Valmont''': Now why would Chan go through all the trouble if he knows you don't need the portal to pass between the realms? :'''Shendu''': For good measure I suppose. Meanwhile, my brothers and sisters are expecting me to open my door and free them! :'''Hak Foo''': I brought your spellbook. ''[holds out the phonebook to Shendu]'' :'''Shendu''': ...''YOU BROUGHT THE '''PHONEBOOK''' YOU SIMPLETON!'' I was bluffing! ''[throws the book aside]'' :'''Valmont''': So there is no way to free ''all'' of them. :'''Shendu''': Of course there is! ...I...just...need to find it. That's all. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jade''': ''[looking for her camera]'' Where's my camera? :'''Hsi Wu''': ''[holding the camera up]'' Oh ''Jade''...say "Chi Spell"! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jackie''': Jade knows her puzzles. <hr width=50%/> :'''Hsi Wu''': ''[flying to the other Demons with Jade]'' Brothers and sisters, I bring you the mortal called, Jade! ''[Jade gasps]'' :'''Po Kong''': Mmmm, yummy! :'''Jade''': Uhh, if you think you're all getting out, well I hate to break it to you, but Shendu's lying. ''[the Demons begin to murmur amongst themselves]'' Only one of you can go through the portal. End of story. :'''Dai Gui''': How do you know? :'''Jade''': Uncle told me. :'''Bai Tza''': The Chi Wizard! :'''Tso Lan''': So Shendu ''did'' deceive us. :'''Xiao Fung''': There's a surprise. :'''Jade''': So, uh, which one of you is it gonna be? :'''Xiao Fung''': Surely there must be a civil way to resolve this. :'''Tso Lan''': Like what? Alphabetical order? <hr width=50%/> :'''Uncle''': Jackie! There is more than one way to skin a cat! ''[tosses Jackie a sword, the symbol of the Immortal that defeated Shendu]'' And two ways to open a portal! ''[begins the incantation]'' :'''Shendu''': ''[sees the sword]'' The symbol of the immortal who defeated me! :'''Jackie''': Sword slays dragon... <hr width=50%/> :'''Dai Gui''': ''[after Shendu's portal closes]'' That, is number eight. :'''Tso Lan''': Which would make us fresh out of portals. :'''Hsi Wu''': ''[filming Shendu with Jade's camera]'' Say "Chi Spell"! :'''Shendu''': Perhaps we should seek a...tear in the Time-Space Continuum... ===Demon World (Part 1) [2.12]=== :'''Jade''': ''[as her parents answer the door]'' Surprise! :'''Jade's Parents''': Jade! :'''Jade''': Mom! Dad! :'''Jackie''': Hope you don't mind us dropping in uninvited. :'''Jade's Father''': Cousin Jackie, it's so good to see you again! :'''Jade's Mother''': You have been such a wonderful role model for Jade. :'''Jackie''': Oh well, thank you- ''[Uncle cuffs him]'' Oww! :'''Uncle''': You take credit for ''my'' good influence?! :'''Jade's Parents''': Uncle! :'''Jade''': Tch. Is Uncle ''everyone's'' uncle? :'''Jade's Father''': He is actually our cousin... aren't you? ''[Jackie and Uncle look at each other in confusion]'' <hr width=50%/> :''[Shendu is being tortured by the other demons]'' :'''Shendu''': Stop! :'''Hsi Wu''': What is it now, Shendu? :'''Shendu''': Admittedly, I have failed you, my siblings. ''[is struck by lightning again]'' But I may yet save you as well! We can all regain our freedom, and even reclaim the centuries wasted in this void, if you allow me to pursue one last recourse. :'''Po Kong''': Humph! And that would be? :'''Shendu''': The Book of Ages. :''[The other demons gasp in shock]'' :'''Dai Gui''': Ludicrous! :'''Hsi Wu''': Even we never dared to tamper with that! :'''Bai Tza''': You risk altering the very fabric of reality! :'''Shendu''': Am I to assume ''this'' reality pleases you, sister? :'''Po Kong''': Hmm... These ''are'' desparate times. :'''Shendu''': Then I will make things right. All you need do is allow me to once more depart from this realm and possess a human. The ''right'' human. <hr width=50%/> :'''Shendu''': ''[in possession of Jackie's body; writing in the Book of Ages]'' So it is written, so it shall be! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jade''': Shendu's alive?! I gotta tell... ''[looks to see Jackie, who has a long ponytail sweeping the streets]'' ...Jackie? ''[runs to him]'' What did you do to your hair? What are you doing? :'''Jackie''': ''[grunts in frustration]'' ''Your'' job! :'''Jade''': Sweeping dragon doo? :'''Jackie''': Where have you been, Jade? Where's your uniform? :'''Jade''': Um, why exactly do we have to wear uniforms? :'''Jackie''': Because it is required for all servants of the supreme ruler, his majestic highness, Lord Shendu. :'''Jade''': Are you telling me Shendu rules the world?! :'''Jackie''': Oh of course not! Each of the Eight Emperors has his or her own domain! :'''Jade''': Since when?! :'''Jackie''': Since the dawn of history! What is wrong with you today? <hr width=50%/> :'''Jade''': Jackie? Jackie, where'd you- ''[Jackie grabs her]'' :'''Jackie''': Today, you must scrub master's bath chamber. ''[gives Jade a scrubbing brush]'' :'''Jade''': No way. ''[tosses brush away]'' :'''Jackie''': Then, fill his tub with fresh muck. ''[gives Jade a bucket of muck]'' :'''Jade''': Eww! ''[gags]'' :'''Jackie''': And it's talons day. So don't forget to trim master's toenails. ''[holding a large set of clippers]'' :'''Jade''': Jackie! Listen to me! I don't work for Shendu, and neither do you! Demons don't rule the world, humans do! The demons were banished into the Netherworld by the Eight Immortals a long time ago, then they got out and ''we'' banished them again, but Shendu possessed you, found this magic book, changed the past, and now none of that ever happened! :'''Jackie''': ...That's crazy, Jade. You're crazy! Humans ruling the world... <hr width=50%/> :'''Shendu''': ''[as Jade approaches him on his throne]'' Why do you not bow?! :'''Jackie''': Oh, your scaliness! ''[bowing]'' Please excuse my slow-witted niece! ''[Shendu picks him up by his ponytail]'' :'''Shendu''': If she were ''not'' excused, she would be in flames! ''NOW FETCH MY DINNER!'' ''[drops him]'' :'''Jackie''': ''[bowing intensely]'' Yes master! :'''Jade''': ''[nervously]'' Jackie? :'''Jackie''': ''[holding a platter of grubs; clears throat]'' Tasty treats, for his glorious excellence! :'''Shendu''': ''[eating from the platter]'' What a good slave you make, Jackie Chan. :'''Jackie Chan''': My joy is to serve you, master! <hr width=50%/> :'''Shendu''': Keeping one's enemies close is not just wise, it is gratifying. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jade''': ''[rushing out of the Throne Room; throws down the clippers]'' Gross! :'''Jackie''': You forgot master's clippings. :'''Jade''': Jackie, there is ''no way'' I'm ever going near his feet again! And Shendu treats you like a dog on a leash! I can't stand it! :'''Jackie''': Well what could I do? I'm just a food servant. His slave. :'''Jade''': The Jackie Chan I knew was nobody's whippping boy... he was a hero! <hr width=50%/> :'''Uncle''': ''[catches Jade and Jackie in the library]'' Get out! :'''Jade''': Uncle? :'''Uncle''': Only master's library boy is allowed in here! :'''Jade''': Uncle, we need your help! We're looking for a book. :'''Uncle''': Forbidden! These books are filled with magic! Even I am not allowed to read them! :'''Jade''': The Book of Ages! :'''Uncle''': Never heard of it. :'''Jade''': Are you sure? ''[runs off]'' Maybe it's over here! :'''Uncle''': ''[chases her]'' No it is not! :'''Jade''': How about here? :'''Uncle''': Not there! :'''Jade''': Well maybe over here! :'''Uncle''': No. I have been library boy for 60 years! I am sure! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jade''': If the book's not here in Shendu's library, there's only one other place it could be. Australia! :'''Uncle''': Aii-ya! No man's land! That continent is forbidden! :'''Jackie''': There is nothing there, Jade. Just a fortress! :'''Jade''': Tch. Fortresses are usually built to ''protect'' something, duh. :'''Uncle''': But it is said that all who approach the fortress will be destroyed. :'''Jade''': Well we have to get inside it somehow! :'''Uncle''': Why? :'''Jade''': Because Shendu used the Book of Ages to rewrite reality! :'''Uncle''': ''[scoffs]'' That is crazy. You do not believe her, do you? :'''Jackie''': ''[sighs]'' There is one thing that I believe. Demons ruling the world is a bad thing. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jackie''': ''[after his ponytail is sliced off]'' Ah! My hair! :'''Jade''': You were due for a trim. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jackie''': ''[after Uncle performs a Chi Spell to vanquish the Shadowkhan]'' Uncle! You saved our- ''[Uncle cuffs him]'' Oww! :'''Uncle''': What choice did I have? You are family! :'''Jade''': ...A Chi Spell? Thought you weren't allowed to read the forbidden books! :'''Uncle''': I do not read, I...I skim. ===Demon World (Part 2) [2.13]=== :'''Shendu''': ''[after shooting Jackie with fire; only to see that Jackie is unharmed]'' How can it be? ''[Jackie opens a palm to reveal the Dog Talisman]'' My Talisman! :'''Jackie''': I'm sorry, I'll give it back, thank you! :''[runs away, to be cornered, another Talisman activates in his hand, he barely hits Shendu and sends Shendu flying back into his bed]'' :'''Shendu''': ''[groans in pain]'' Ohhh... :'''Jackie''': How did I do that? :'''Uncle''': And why do you not catch fire? ''[Jackie reveals the Ox Talisman]'' :'''Jade''': Dog makes you immortal, Ox makes you super strong. What else we got? ''[reveals the Talismans]'' Speedy Rabbit, levitating Rooster, invisible Snake, and explosive Dragon. Oooh...good ones! ''[Shendu recovers from the rubble of his bed]'' Maybe we better not try for the other half dozen. <hr width=50%/> :'''Shendu''': Centuries of history altered, your very memory erased, and ''still'' somehow you defy me! ''[holds up the seeking device]'' I shall find you, Chan. And I promise you, I shall erase more than your memory! <hr width=50%/> :'''Wrestler''': Ugh...finally we can remove these ridiculous masks. :'''El Toro Fuerte''': El Toro Fuerte ''never'' removes his mask. <hr width=50%/> :'''Hsi Wu''': What? No music while I bathe? Sing for me, my little caged songbird. :'''Viper''': .....Tweet. Tweet. <hr width=50%/> :'''Shendu''': ''[recovering the Ox Talisman]'' ''CHAAAAN!'' :'''Dai Gui''': So he ''is'' behind this! :'''Tso Lan''': And things were going so well... :'''Bai Tza''': We were almost even beginning to ''like'' you, brother. :'''Shendu''': What do you mean? I was just coming to visit- :'''Dai Gui''': Hsi Wu? He has been banished to the Netherworld! :''[Shendu steps on the watch that Jade dropped]'' :'''Watch Chime''': ''[distorted]'' Hey-hey-hey-hey! I'm Marlon Moose! :'''Shendu''': Technology? The child! :'''Tso Lan''': She somehow escaped the historical alterations! :'''Bai Tza''': And if she knows the history that ''was''... :'''Shendu''': Then Chan now knows of the Book! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jade''': ''[joining Jackie]'' What's up Mr. Poutysnout? :'''Jackie''': ''[sigh]'' I do not belong with these heroes. The Ox made me strong. Without it, I'm- :'''Jade''': Hello? The Talismans never made Jackie Chan a hero, you didn't even like to use them! Courage, brains, and heart are your secret weapons, and you've already got those! All you need is proper training! ''[stands him up]'' Jackie, I can teach you what you taught me. You game? :'''Jackie''': ...Game. :'''Jade''': Cool! First lesson. The ancient art of butt-whoop starts with breathing. The breath flows to the fingertips, then down to the toes... <hr width=50%/> :'''Jackie''': Let's make history. <hr width=50%/> :'''Dai Gui''': Shendu, and his ''accursed'' Talismans! <hr width=50%/> :'''Tso Lan''': Behold! My mastery of Gravity ''[fires an attack at El Toro, who levitates up using the Rooster Talisman]'' :'''El Toro Fuerte''': Behold! My mastery of...eh...''pollo''. <hr width=50%/> :'''Uncle''': ''[blocking Shendu's heat beams]'' Jackie, help Uncle search! Stop fooling! :'''Jackie''': ''Fooling?!'' ''[shows Uncle's Dog Talisman]'' I'm not immortal! <hr width=50%/> :'''Shendu''': Get away from the Book! Surrender, your team has been neutralized! :'''Jade''': Big whoop. ''[runs to the Book of Ages]'' If I can't find Shendu's changes, I'll make some of my own! ''[begins writing]'' "...and then Jackie grew twenty feet tall." :''[Jackie Chan suddenly grows twenty feet]'' :'''Paco''': Now Jackie ''is'' the greatest! :'''Shendu''': ''YOU!'' ''[charges Jade]'' :'''Jackie''': Shendu! ''[leaps and kicks Shendu to the ground]'' :'''Dai Gui''': The girl! :'''Jade''': ''[writing more]'' ...Here comes...Super Tohru. ''[Tohru is transformed into a flying strong superhero, and tosses Dai Gui aside; Jade continues writing]'' Say hello, to Robo-Viper. ''[Viper is transformed into a mechanical robot warrior]'' :'''Viper''': Like nuking fish in a barrel. ''[blasts Bai Tza]'' :'''Paco''': ''[takes the brush from Jade]'' My turn! ''[writes and grows El Toro bigger]'' :'''Jade''': Hey! No fair! :'''Paco''': Now El Toro is the greatest! :'''Jade''': ''[takes the brush back]'' Jackie is! :''[they fight over the brush, causing El Toro and Jackie to grow bit by bit]'' :'''Paco''': El Toro! :'''Jade''': No, Jackie! :'''Paco''': El Toro! :'''Jade''': Jackie! :'''Paco''': El Toro! :'''Jade''' Jackie! :'''Paco''': El Toro! :'''Uncle''': You want to defeat the demons? Yes? Then write that Uncle banishes the Demons already! :'''Jade and Paco''': Duh! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jackie''': Bad day...for demons! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jade's Parents''': Jade! :'''Jade''': Mom! Dad! :'''Jade's Mother''': Cousin Jackie! :'''Jade's Father''': Uncle! :'''Jade's Mother''': What brings you to Hong Kong? :'''Tohru''': Hong Kong Moose World! ''[winks at Jade who winks back]'' :'''Jade''': Uh, look at the watch Jackie got me! :'''Paco''': Moose World? Can I go too? :'''El Toro Fuerte''': What mooses? We were fighting Demo- ''[is elbowed by Viper]'' :'''Viper''': Uhhh traffic! We were fighting Hong Kong traffic to visit you. :'''Jade''': So I could show you how much I've learned in America. :'''Jade's Mother''': We know you have been doing very well there, Jade. :'''Jade's Father''': No doubt due to Cousin Jackie's excellent training. :'''Jackie''': In all honesty, it is ''Jade'' who sometimes trains me... ===The Mother of All Battles [2.14]=== :'''Jade''': You've been acting all weird lately. ''[Tohru groans]'' C'mon, you can tell me! It's Uncle, right? That garlic smell? :'''Tohru''': It's my mother... :'''Jade''': What? Is she sick, or- ...You have a mom? <hr width=50%/> :'''Jade''': What's so yuck about a visit from your mom? :'''Tohru''': ''[sigh]'' I am the black sheep. All I have ever wanted was for my mother to be proud of me. :'''Jade''': Well, she will be! Look at you! You're handsome, and big, you've got a...you're big! <hr width=50%/> :'''Mama Tohru''': ''[upon seeing the antique store]'' This where you live?! Ugh...you gave up good job with nice Mr. Valmont for ''this?!'' :'''Jade''': ''Nice''? Hello, doesn't she know that Valmont's a crook? :'''Tohru''': No...and ''please'' do not tell her. :'''Mama Tohru''': Ahh, my son. A servant in a junk shop! :'''Uncle''': ''Junk'' shop?! :'''Jade''': This is an antique store. :'''Mama Tohru''': Hah! Only antique I see is the billy goat there! ''[referring to Uncle]'' :'''Uncle''': Billy goat?! :'''Tohru''': Mommy! :'''Mama Tohru''': Hushup! :'''Uncle''': Dragon lady should watch her forked tongue unless she wants a piece of Uncle! :'''Mama Tohru''': Hah! I would sweep floor with you! And this floor needs it. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jackie''': ''[answers his phone]'' Hello? :'''Captain Black''': Hope I didn't catch you in the middle of anything, Jackie. :'''Jackie''': Uh, Uncle and Tohru's mom are getting acquainted. :'''Captain Black''': Ah, family time. :'''Mama Tohru''': ''[holding a vase]'' Cheap junk! :'''Uncle''': ''[takes vase away]'' Xing Dynasty! :'''Captain Black''': Could be trouble brewing on the horizon. :'''Jackie''': Believe me, I know. :'''Captain Black''': The Octopus will be on exhibit at the Japanese Expo. I'd feel better if you were there to assist with security. :'''Jackie''': Uh, you want me to guard a fish? :'''Captain Black''': Actually, octopuses aren't fish, they're multipods. :'''Jackie''': Octopi...''[as Uncle and Mama Tohru continue to bicker]'' Please, behave! :'''Captain Black''': Sorry, Grammar was never my best subject in school... :'''Jackie''': Oh, you mean the Kyoto Octopus! It is the most famous relic of the Komodo Dynasty. :'''Captain Black''': Intelligence sources that the Yokanawa Crime Family has the octopus in its sights. :'''Mama Tohru''': Huh! Why don't you get some light in here? :'''Uncle''': Thought bats could see in the dark. :'''Jackie''': ''[to Uncle and Mama Tohru]'' This must stop! :'''Captain Black''': My thinking exactly. I'll set it up. Thanks for your help, Jackie. <hr width=50%/> :'''Tohru''': Does it have fish? :'''Restaurant Keeper''': This is a ''sushi'' restaurant. ''Everything'' has fish. :'''Tohru''': ...I hate fish... <hr width=50%/> :'''Tohru''': Grape is my favorite. <hr width=50%/> :'''Yokanawa Crime Boss''': You made a wise choice, Tohru. :'''Tohru''': What do I do? :'''Yokanawa Crime Boss''': Nothing fancy. You cruise into the expo, create a diversion, meanwhile my boys make an endrun, and nab the octopus. One tiny problem. Word is, you double-crossed your old boss, Valmont. That you're a rat. :'''Tohru''': I am no rat! :'''Yokanawa Thug 1''': Prove it! :'''Tohru''': I have information. :'''Yokanawa Crime Boss''': Yeah? :'''Tohru''': Um, Jackie Chan will be working security at the expo. :'''Yokanawa Thug 2''': I heard of him. They say he's unbeatable. :'''Tohru''': ''[crushes a desk]'' ''Nobody'' is unbeatable. :'''Yokanawa Crime Boss''': I trust you'll take care of this Jackie Chan personally, Tohru. ...And I mean, permanently. <hr width=50%/> :''[Jade rides into the expo on a scooter]'' :'''Jackie''': Jade, how did you get in here? :'''Jade''': Security's lousy. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Uncle and Mama Tohru enter the backroom]'' :'''Jackie''': Uncle! :'''Tohru''': Mommy! :'''Yokanawa Thug 1''': Hey! I said "front door" and to come alone! :'''Uncle''': I told her! ''[to Mama Tohru]'' See?! I told you! :'''Mama Tohru''': Nyah! Would have lost your way! Near-sighted mule can barely see hook nose in front of his face! :'''Uncle''': Eyesight good enough to see the hair growing out of that mole! :'''Mama Tohru''': That is a beauty mark! :'''Yokanawa Crime Boss''': Quit the squabbling, and put the fish on the table! :'''Yokanawa Thug 1''': Uhh, boss, technically an octopus is a member of the multipod family, and- ''[is given a look by his boss]'' Put the fish on the table! ===Danger in the Deep Freeze [2.15]=== :'''Jackie''': ''[examining the frozen humanoid]'' Look at his expression. I wonder what was going through his mind. :'''Jade''': ...Look out behind you. :'''Jackie''': Yes! Perhaps! :'''Jade''': No, I mean look out behind you! ''[Jackie turns to see armed inuits]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Jade''': ''[showing the frozen humanoid a magazine]'' ...And this is a tree. They had those back in your day too, just not locally. And these are snow tires! <hr width=50%/> :'''Inuit Elder''': ''[catching Jackie]'' Need to work on your sneaking around. Inuits can hear footsteps in snow a mile away. :'''Uncle''': That so? :'''Jackie''': Uncle, Jade! I told you to- ''[Elder beckons at him with a spear]'' We are not armed! :'''Jade''': But that doesn't mean we won't go polar on your butt if you don't hand over Dwayne! :'''Jackie''': Jade, please. She means the prehistoric cave creature. :'''Inuit Elder''': No such creature here. :'''Uncle''': Oh, so maybe your sister has big feet? ''[indicating the creature's large footprint in the snow]'' :'''Inuit Elder''': ''[defensive]'' My sister has tiny feet! She is delicate like a bird! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jackie''': He's no Shaman! That is Peter Bailey, a black marketeer! He steals artifacts and sells them to the highest bidder! :'''Inuit Elder''': But the Shaman has great powers! He can speak to other shamans across the sea through a magical black box! :'''Jade''': ''[retrieves cell phone from Jackie's pocket]'' You mean like this? It's called a cell phone, hello? Everybody's got one back where we come from, except for me! ''[calls the Antique Store]'' :'''Uncle's Voicemail''': Uncle's Antique! Not here! Call back! <hr width=50%/> :'''Uncle''': You fish? :'''Inuit Elder''': What do you think? I go to a drive through burger place? <hr width=50%/> :'''Inuit Elder''': ''[in a challenge of Ice Fishing with Uncle, holding up his bait]'' My secret. :'''Uncle''': Anchovy? Bah! That's nothing but minnows. :'''Inuit Elder''': What do you fish with, worms? :'''Uncle''': ''[holds up a roll of beans]'' Mung beans wrapped in tea leaves. Fish take a number to get on hook! :'''Inuit Elder''': Ehhh, big talk no action. ''[the drop their lines into the water, and almost immediately get a bite]'' See? I got something! :'''Uncle''': So does Uncle! Big something! :''[both withdraw their tangled lines, with no fish, Uncle's bait is gone]'' :'''Uncle''': Hah! See? My bait gone, yours still on hook! :'''Inuit Elder''': So what? :'''Uncle''': So fish we lost was ''mine''! :'''Inuit Elder''': No that was my fish! :'''Uncle''': My fish! :'''Inuit Elder''': You're a liar! :'''Uncle''': My fish! :'''Inuit Elder''': You cheated! ===Into the Mouth of Evil [2.16]=== :'''Dr. Weber''': ''[examining Jackie's mouth]'' Well, I'm afraid you're gonna need a complete jaw transplant, Mr. Chan. :'''Jackie''': Huh?! :'''Dr. Weber''': ''[laughing]'' Just kidding! You simply have a displaced filling, we'll have you fixed up in no time. Lisa, prepare a shot of novocaine please. :'''Jackie''': Uh... I don't like needles. :'''Dr. Weber''': Oh, well I could drill ''without'' numbing you. ''[brandishes a dental drill]'' :'''Jackie''': ''[intimidated]'' Okay... numb me, please. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jade''': His mouth's still numb from the dentist. He said, "If the school sends any homework, it's a mistake. Just toss it." <hr width=50%/> :'''Mohajah''': I must move closer. Read his mind... :'''Jackie''': ''[numb speaking]'' Here is your ticket, Jade. :'''Jade''': It's so cool you're taking me along on this once in a lifetime educational experience, Uncle Jackie! :''[Mohajah reads her mind]'' :'''Jade's Mind''': Three whole days, no school! Yes! :'''Jackie''': ''[numb speaking; hugging Uncle]'' I'll miss you Uncle. :''[Mohajah reads his mind]'' :'''Jackie's Mind''': I'll miss you Uncle. :'''Jackie''': ''[numb speaking]'' And don't worry, I won't forget the curry powder. :'''Uncle''': You are a good nephew. :''[Mohajah reads his mind]'' :'''Uncle's Mind''' Jackie will forget. He ''always'' forgets! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jade''': ''[seeing Jackie with Martindale; whispers]'' Go, Jackie. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jackie''': Jade, return to the hotel room! ''[runs off]'' :'''Jade''': Didn't say, "Please". <hr width=50%/> :'''Jade''': ''[stealing a scooter]'' Sorry, I'll bring it back, thank you! <hr width=50%/> :''[Jackie is thrown into a market booth; his cellphone rings]'' :'''Jackie''': Hello? :'''Uncle''': Ah, Jackie! Do not forget curry powder! :'''Jackie''': Okay Uncle, I took care of it. Have to go, bye! ''[Leaps up; to shopkeeper]'' Sorry about your shop, send me a bill, thank you! ''[Runs off]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Jackie''': ''[waking up tied to a chair]'' Jumba? Ms. Martindale? Dr. Weber? I don't understand! :'''Jumba''': Oh you will in a moment. :'''Portia''': A little novocaine to ease the pain? :'''Dr. Weber''': ''[brandishing his dental drill]'' Don't bother, Portia. Mr. Chan hates needles. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jumba''' I suppose we owe you an explanation, Jackie. You've heard of the Sutras of Raktajiba, yes? :'''Jackie''': Only at your museum. You said they were just a legend. :'''Jumba''': I lied. You see, the Sutras do very much exist. ''[Holds Jackie's filling up under a magnifying glass, revealing inscriptions]'' :'''Jackie''': In my filling! :'''Jumba''': Magnificent, are they not? A 3000 word incantation, painstakingly inscribed by skilled sorcerers onto a piece of silver no larger than a grain of basmati rice. :'''Portia''': Legend foretells that when the Sutras are returned to the Ganges, the river will dry up. :'''Jackie''': That would be- So, those thieves who have been after me, you've been trying to stop them! :'''Jumba''': Well, no. Actually, they've been trying to stop ''us''. They are not truly thieves, you see. They are Disciples of Mohajah. :'''Jackie''': Who? :'''Portia''': Oh, a do-gooder-mystic. A psychic. Claims his mission is to protect India from evil magic. :'''Jumba''': Mohajah suspected I was in possession of the Sutras, and planning to transport them here to India. :'''Dr. Weber''': But none of us could carry the Sutras without the Mohajah knowing it; that mind reading power of his... real nuisance. :'''Jackie''': So you had to find a courier who did not know he was carrying the Sutras. Me. :'''Portia''': We so appreciate your help, Jackie. :'''Jackie''': But that means you want to dry up the Ganges River! Why? :'''Jumba''': Have you no sense of vision man? Do you not realize what treasures lie on the riverbed? Centuries worth of artifacts; silver, gold, riches beyond measure, there for the taking! :'''Jackie''': Millions of people depend upon the river for farming, and travel, and- Lives will be destroyed! :'''Portia''': Our Jackie's a bit of a sentimentalist. So sweet! But really, one must have priorities. We're talking about the archaeological event of the millennium. If a few people must be inconvenienced... ''[shrug]'' :'''Jackie''': You are bad people! All of you! :'''Jumba''': Yes, soon to be very rich people! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jade''': Hyah! Nobody moves, nobody gets hurt! :'''Jackie''': Jade?! I told you to go back to the hotel room! :'''Jade''': Lost my key. Okay, now. Let the Chan Man go. :'''Portia''': Dr. Weber, give the child a lollipop. :'''Jade''': Don't sucker me, sucker! ===Lost City of the Muntabs [2.17]=== :'''Jackie''': I cannot believe I'm stuck in the jungle with such a spoiled brat. :'''Jade''': You ''invited'' me! :'''Jackie''': I was talking about him. ''[beckons to Smith]'' Mr. Smith, please. We must stay together. There are many dangers in the bush! :'''Smith''': Yes, yes, so you keep saying. ''[to his butler]'' Hop to it, Larsen. :'''Jade''': Why don't we ditch Frik and Frak and have some real fun? Go swinging with the monkeys, or wrestle a crocodile! Whaddya say, Big J? :'''Jackie''': I'm sorry Jade, but you must learn that growing up sometimes means having to do things that are not fun. :'''Jade''': Pfft. Like guiding obnoxious jerks through the jungle just because they give lots of money to the museum? :'''Jackie''': Uhhh... yes. :'''Jade''': In that case, I never wanna grow up. ''[eyes widen]'' What am I saying? I can't wait to grow up! Get my own car, cellphone- which now that you mention it- :'''Jackie''': I ''didn't'' mention it. <hr width=50%/> :'''Smith''': ''[holding the Chalice of Life]'' Everything I've ever hoped for, Larsen! Right here, right now! Eternal youth; eternal life! :'''Larsen''': Perhaps you would like me to sample it first, sir? To make sure it's safe? :'''Smith''': Uh, no that won't be necessary. Oh you don't think I'd leave you out of this, old friend? After all your years of faithful service? :'''Larsen''': Well, I had hoped- :'''Smith''': Larsen, I want you by my side to serve me forever! :'''Larsen''': Oh ''goodie''... ===The Lotus Temple [2.18]=== :'''Jade''': I'm in the woods, I'm tired, cold, and hungry. And I'm being hunted! ''[shines flashlight on Jackie]'' Ahhh! :'''Jackie''': Jade, I thought you were going to gather firewood. :'''Jade''': Hello?! Have you learned ''nothing'' from the movies? Whoever gets the firewood is always the creeping terror's first victim. :'''Jackie''': So ''that's'' what happened to the other little girl I sent for firewood. :'''Jade''': Very funny. <hr width=50%/> :'''Monk''': Perhaps the little monkey is closer than you think. ''[shows Jackie Chan the Lotus Temple]'' :'''Jackie''': The Lotus Temple! Are you coming? :'''Monk''': I will wait here. I would not want to... ''intrude''. <hr width=50%/> :'''Monk''': Ancient wisdom; the worm realizes he's bait, only after the fish bites. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jade''': Uncle Jackie, the sun's coming up! :'''Jackie''': Good. :'''Jade''': You don't understand! The temple vanishes at dawn, and anyone inside goes with it! :'''Jackie''': How many crazy rules does this temple have?! ===The Curse of El Chupacabra [2.19]=== :'''Jackie''': Incredible. :'''Jade''': Incredibly boring. What kind of lame pyramid is this? No mummy curses, no booby traps, no bonus points. :'''Jackie''': This is not a video game, Jade. This is important research. <hr width=50%/> :'''Villager''': It is just as we told El Toro! The Chupacabra attacked our house! :'''Jackie''': And what exactly did the creature look like? :'''Villager Child''': It was giant with glowing red eyes, four fangs, oh claws too, and it howled like this: Arooooo!!! :'''Jade''': Yup. Sounds like a chimichanga to me. <hr width=50%/> :'''El Toro''': Fear not. The beast is no match against El Toro, the Bull! :'''Jackie''': And El Jackie, th- ...the Chan! <hr width=50%/> :''[Uncle kicks door open]'' :'''Uncle''': The flight was delayed, the food was terrible, the movie had no plot, and I had turbulence! ===Showdown in the Old West [2.20]=== :'''Uncle:''' Ghost? :'''Jade''': Kinda. ''[looking at an old book depicting one of Jackie's ancestors]'' The ghost of Jackie. :'''Jackie''': ''[picking up the book]'' "The Hong Kong Kid". :'''Uncle''': Ai-yah! Do not scare Uncle like that! :'''Jackie''': Amazing! The picture looks just like me! This book must be about my great-great grandfather! :'''Uncle''': Fine, take home. Make good bedtime story. :'''Jade''': I want to hear it now. :'''Jackie''': Me too! <hr width=50%/> :'''Hong Kong Kid (Jackie)''': Uh, howdy partners. :'''Cowboy Thug''': Well looky here boys. We got us a railroad worker. :'''Large Thug''': Railroad workers ain't allowed in this here establishment, ain't that right, Moreen? :'''Moreen''': I don't want no trouble here! :'''Hong Kong Kid''': Oh, no trouble ma'am. I would just like a ginger ale, with lots of ice please. Very thirsty. I've been working on the railroad... ''[the thugs sit next to him]'' Uh... all the live long day? <hr width=50/> :''[a very well dressed, well behaved young woman arrives via stagecoach]'' :'''The Neice''': Uncle Jackie? :'''Hong Kong Kid''': Uh, I am Jackie. :'''The Neice''': I am your neice. Just arrived from Hong Kong. :''[outside the story]'' :'''Jade''': This is ''so'' cool! She's my long lost, great-great something or other! I bet you she looked exactly like me. :'''Jackie''': Uh, actually it says here that the Sheriff's neice was very tall, and fifteen years old. :'''Jade''': Must be a type-o. :''[the well dressed neice is replaced by a younger, rowdy looking neice resembling Jade]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Shendu''': I grow impatient, Valmont! I trust your men were able to pull off a simple robbery? :'''Mayor Valmont''': Rest assured, Shendu. My boys will be rendezvousing with us momentarily. ''[Finn and Ratso walk into the cave]'' You see? :'''Outlaw Ratso''': Uh, ran into a little trouble. :'''Outlaw Finn''': That sheriff you hired. :'''Mayor Valmont''': You didn't get the gold?! :'''Shendu''': Fools! :'''Outlaw Finn''': Hey, hold on Shen-dude! Ain't exactly like we came back empty-handed! ''[Ratso clicks, and a horse enters the cave]'' Got the horse off the stagecoach just like you asked. :'''Shendu''': I didn't want the ''horse'', I wanted the Horse ''TALISMAN!!!'' :'''Outlaw Ratso''': Oh... uh, what's a talisman? <hr width=50%/> :'''Peddler (Uncle)''': Who will be the first to try my Shanghai Surprise Elixer? Very powerful, good for digestion! :'''Neice (Jade)''': Hi, remember me? :'''Peddler''': Ah, girl from Hong Kong. Look different. Thought you were fifteen, and taller. :'''Neice''': It was a ''type-o!'' ===Origami [2.21]=== :'''Inspector''': You claim a fold-up man stole ze painting, slipped between ze bars, transformed into a bird, and flew away? :'''Jackie''': I'll show you. ''[takes a page of the inspector's notes, begins folding the paper]'' He bent like this, folded like that, twisted over, then again, then he looked just like this! ''[opens his hand to reveal a crumpled ball]'' Uh, but more bird shaped. :'''Inspector''': Monsieur Chan, I will thank you not to destroy my notes, si vous plait! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jade''': Hi Jackie. :'''Jackie''': Jade! You're supposed to be taking a tour of Paris. :'''Jade'''. Tch. You've obviously never been on the tour bus with Uncle. :''[flashback to the tour bus]'' :'''Uncle''': You drive too fast! How can Uncle see the sights?! Slow down! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jackie''': That was useless! I already knew the thief could fold up. :'''Jade''': Yeah, but now we also know that he steals the finest Far East Art. :'''Viper''': Hey, the kid's a good listener. :'''Jackie''': How come you never listen to the things ''I'' say? For example, "Stay with Uncle"? :'''Jade''': Aw man... <hr width=50%/> :'''Jackie''': Scissors beats paper! ===Agent Tag [2.22]=== :'''Captain Black''': Gentlemen, we have an emergency. Criminal Mastermind Dr. Ashby Necrosis is back. :'''Agent''': Dr. Necrosis? The Kingpin of Techno-crime? :'''Captain Black''': The same. Reports are that he has developed a cutting edge high tech doomsday device. The entire world is in jeopardy. We've located what we believe to be the Doctor's base, the Necropolis, inside this dormant volcano. Someone must infiltrate the Necropolis and destroy the Doomsday weapon. :'''Agent''': I suggest Taggart McStone. :'''Captain Black''': Unfortunately, Agent Tag retired last year. He left the spy game forever. :''[the agent peels off a mask to reveal he's actually Agent Tag]'' :'''Agent Tag''': Never say forever. :'''Captain Black''': Agent Tag! :'''Agent Tag''': I'll require the standard infiltration package, my briefcase, and a fresh suit. Italian, of course. :'''Captain Black''': Of course. <hr width=50%/> :'''Agent Tag''': Who are you? Why are you following me? :'''Jade''': Uhhh, Captain Black sent me! :'''Agent Tag''': Hmmm, a little girl with dark hair who tags along and is an obvious liar. I've heard of you! You're Jade! Section 13 has classified you as the ultimate security risk! You've jeopardized my mission! :'''Jade''': Whoa. You need to calm down, Captain Blood Pressure. <hr width=50%/> :'''Dr. Necrosis''': Hoyle, I have deduced the identity of our intruder; Taggart McStone. :'''Hoyle''': ''[playing with a deck of cards]'' That wild card's still in the game? But I thought he folded last year. :'''Dr. Necrosis''': There is no one else it could be. He is the only human capable of infiltrating my Necropolis! Oh how I long to meet my nemesis face to face. You won't ruin his face, will you? :'''Hoyle''': ''[throws a playing card at a vase, slicing it in half]'' No promises. :'''Dr. Necrosis''': For years, he has foiled all my techno-plans, but this time, we have the Druid Stone, and even Agent Tag cannot defeat its ancient magic! The world is ours! :'''Hoyle''': ''[playing more with his cards]'' We hold all the cards! We have the upper hand! We- :'''Dr. Necrosis''': We could take it down a notch with the card puns. <hr width=50%/> :'''Hoyle''': ''[holding his playing cards]'' All ''hands'' on ''deck'', Agent Tag! :'''Jackie''': ''[kicks him over]'' I am not Agent Tag! :'''Hoyle''': Don't try to ''bluff'' me, it doesn't ''suit'' you! ''[throws more cards at Jackie, and traps him in a vortex of cards]'' Druid Stone is secure, and inform the good doctor that we have a bonus jackpot onboard. A certain joker who claims he ''isn't'' Agent Tag. <hr width=50%/> :'''Dr. Necrosis''': You are not what I expected, Agent Tag. Although your disguise as a buffoon was most convincing. :'''Jackie''': ''[secured to a table]'' But I am not Agent Tag. I am Jackie Chan, a researcher. :'''Dr. Necrosis''': Of course if you were Agent Tag, you would deny it emphatically. :'''Jackie''': No, I would claim to be Agent Tag, assuming you would not believe me. :'''Dr. Necrosis''': But I would anticipate your assumption that I would not believe you! :'''Jackie''': I would foresee your anticipating my assumption of your not believing! :'''Dr. Necrosis''': But how could you predict I wouldn't expect your forseeing my anticipation of your assuming my not believing? Ha! Answer me that. :'''Jackie''': I DO NOT EVEN KNOW WHAT YOU JUST SAID! :'''Dr. Necrosis''': Precisely what I expected you to say... Agent Tag. <hr width=50%/> :'''Agent Tag''': And that's how I reached Arecibo in time to rescue the Chans. :'''Captain Black''': That's why you're our top agent, Tag. :'''Jade''': ''[growls]'' "Rescue the Chans"? ''We'' did all the hard stuff! :'''Jackie''': It's alright, Jade. Let it go. :'''Agent Tag''': Now if I can finish my crossword, this day will truly be a success. Six letters, Celtic Pig Goddess... :'''Jackie''': ''[falling asleep]'' [[w:Moccus|Moccas]]. M-O-C-C-A-S. :'''Agent Tag''': Mr. Chan, you're a genius! :'''Jade''': Nope. Just a researcher. ===The Return of the Pussycat [2.23]=== :'''Jackie''': Is it Halloween already? :'''Jade''': ''[dressed as Mr. Hyde]'' You forgot, didn't you? Tonight's the school play! I'm Dr. Jekyell and Mr. Hyde, it's my big debut! :'''Jackie''': Ohhhhh, I am sorry, Jade. But the university asked Uncle and me to explore the subterranean city underneath the streets. :'''Jade''': Uh-huh... :'''Jackie''': No, it's true! A recent tremor has opened a passageway to parts of San Francisco which have been buried since the [[w:1906 San Francisco earthquake|1906 earthquake]]. Another tremor may collapse the passageway at any moment. So there's not much time. :'''Jade''': But... my play... :'''Jackie''': I am sorry. I would rather see your play, but I have to do this now, and I cannot be in two places at the same time. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jackie-Light''': I am very disappointed in you, Jade. You know that playing with magic is a no-no! :'''Jackie-Dark''': A ''no-no???'' Ohhh noooo, say it ain't sooo! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jade''': "Our journey"? Uncle's going underground too? Isn't ''anyone'' gonna come see me be Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde?! :'''Jackie-Light''': ''[bursts from the closet]'' I WOULD LOVE TO! Oh the theatre, the theatre! :'''Jade''': Uh-uh. No way am I showing up at school with him. :'''Jackie-Dark''': I know exactly how you feel. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jackie-Light''': Yoo-hoo! Mr. Spring Heel Jack? Excuse me! I must ask you to return to the museum. :'''Spring Heel Jack''': Simon Magus tried to stop me, he gave me quite a run. But I shall dine on his descendants; one by one by one! ''[jumps over and grabs both Jackie-Light and Uncle]'' Are you helping Magus? A relative perhaps? No, I guess the two of you are just a pair of saps. <hr width=50%/> :'''Simone Magus''': And so, Dr. Jekyll believed that he could separate the good from the evil in man. :'''Jade''': Nice read, Simone. ''[playing Dr. Jekyll]'' With this potion, I will prove my scientific theories to the world! But what if I'm wrong? Heavens! The results could be disastrous! :'''Jackie-Dark''': ''[from the audience]'' Come on, Doc! Pick up the pace! Turn into Mr. Hyde, and terrorize the town already! :'''Jade''': You think you could do better? :'''Jackie-Dark''': Don't mind if I do! ''[leaps up on stage, takes the potion from Jade and drinks it, gagging a bit]'' This tastes terrible. :'''Jade''': Maybe I shouldn't have brought the Tiger. <hr width=50%/> :'''Spring Heel Jack''': Magus, Magus, wherever you are, Spring Heel Jack will not be far! <hr width=50%/> :''[crowd is laughing derisively]'' :'''Simone Magus''': Uhhh Dr. Jekyll wanted to be good, but he soon lost control of himself to his evil side, uh Mr. Hyde. :'''Jackie-Dark''': ''[overacting]'' This potion is ''wonderful!'' Evil Hyde is much cooler than old goody goody Jekyll! ''HA HA HA!!!'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Uncle''': Two Jackies equals one big headache! <hr width=50%/> :'''Spring Heel Jack''': Your head, it must be very thick, if you think I'll fall for just one kick. :'''Jackie-Dark''': Catchy. ''[pops neck; attempts to drop- kick Spring Heel Jack, only to miss and fall into the bay]'' :'''Jackie-Light''': ''[tapping Spring Heel Jack's shoulder]'' Excuse me, Mr. Spring Heel Jack? Why don't we sit down and talk about this like gentlemen? :'''Spring Heel Jack''': Back so soon? How can it be? Your clothes aren't even watery. :''[Jackie-Light and Spring Heel Jack briefly fight]'' :'''Jackie-Light''': Do you enjoy being a meanie?! :'''Spring Heel Jack''': I confess. YES! <hr width=50%/> :''[the Tiger Talisman splits Spring Heel Jack into his Yin and Yang personalities]'' :'''Spring Heel Jack-Light''': ''[to Simone Magus]'' I hope we didn't frighten you by acting so ferocious. Please forgive my other self, his manners are atrocious. :'''Spring Heel Jack-Dark''': This child must be made to pay for what Magus did that fateful day! :'''Spring Heel Jack-Light''': Your sweet revenge has just been soured. I will not let her be devoured! <hr width=50%/> :'''Spring Heel Jack''': ''[bound by curtains]'' A curse upon my lighter side! He told the secret I would hide! ''[Uncle sprinkles him with salt, slowly transforming him to stone]'' Without him, you'd have never known that salt will turn me back to... ''[completely petrified]'' :'''Uncle''': Stone? ===Scouts Honor [2.24]=== :''[after Jackie is teleported to Uncle's Store]'' :'''Uncle''': Jackie! Did not expect you until tonight! :'''Jackie''': You and I both Uncle. I believe this necklace has magical powers. :'''Jade''': Cool, can I check it out? :'''Jackie''': No Jade. This necklace could be very dangerous. :'''Jade''': ''Everything'' is very dangerous! Traveling to Venice, digging for artifacts, wearing jewelry... <hr width=50%/> :'''Buttercup Scout''': Greetings, campers! I'm a Buttercup Scout, and my Troop is trying to raise money by selling these delicious boxes of- :''[Tohru bursts through the door, smashing Jackie accidentally]'' :'''Tohru''': Cookies! :'''Buttercup Scout''': What kind would you like, Mister? We have Vanilla Cream, Chocolate Mint, Oatmeal Raisin... :'''Tohru''': Uh, may I have them ''all?'' :'''Buttercup Scout''': You sure may! Will that be check, or- ''[Tohru hands her a handful of cash]'' Cool! <hr width=50%/> :'''Tohru''': I have heard that scouting builds character. I have also heard that scouts receive a discount on cookies. ===The King and Jade [2.25]=== :'''King Lili''': ''[after Jackie dispatches some thugs]'' That was amazing the way you defeated those men single-handedly! :'''Jade''': ''[invisible due to the Snake Talisman]'' Hello? What am I, invisible? ... Oh. Yeah. <hr width=50%/> :'''King Lili''': Who are you? :'''Jade''': I'm uh, part of your security team. Jackie's partner. Name's Jade. :'''King Lili''': And you can become invisible? Can all bodyguards do that? :'''Jade''': ''[revealing the Snake Talisman]'' Only if they have one of these babies. :'''King Lili''': Ah, a talisman! :'''Jade''': A ''magic'' talisman! :'''King Lili''': May I see? ''[Jade hesitates, but gives him the Snake Talisman]'' How does it work? :'''Jade''': You just squeeze it in your hand. Uh, but I don't think- ''[King Lili becomes invisible]'' Yup. Heh. You learn fast, now open your hand and become visible again. ''[no response]'' Uh... King? Your majesty? Lili?! I can't believe it! Lili pulled a Jade! ===Enter the Cat [2.26]=== :'''Jackie''': ''[opening the box, revealing a black cat statue]'' The Cat of Khartoum. :'''Jade''': That's it? Looks like something you'd buy at a swap-meet for a buck. :'''Valmont''': ''[appearing from around a corner]'' Worth quite a bit more, young lady. :'''Jackie''': Valmont! :'''Valmont''': Thanks ever so for finding the Cat for me, Chan. Now hand it over! :'''Jackie''': No! It belongs to the museum! <hr width=50%/> :''[as Finn and Ratso approach]'' :'''Jade''': Hey, maybe you haven't heard, but possession is nine tenths of the law! :'''Ratso''': ''[taking out some nunchucks]'' Yeah? And this here's the other two tenths! :'''Jackie''': You need to work on your math! :'''Finn''': Yeah? My math's good enough to know that three against one ain't very good odds. :'''Valmont''': Spare me the gladiator scene. Just get the merchandise! <hr width=50%/> :'''Valmont''': ''[after perfectly landing from a large fall]'' Fantastic! I've never felt so alive! ''[proceeds to leap up the cliff past Jackie]'' Something about the Statue, Chan. It's good luck! ''[leaves]'' :'''Jackie''': Good luck, or bad magic? <hr width=50%/> :'''Jackie''': ''[cellphone rings]'' Is that you, Uncle? :'''Uncle''': No. It is a magazine salesman calling you at five o'clock in morning! :'''Jackie''': Oh, sorry. It's almost lunchtime here. :'''Uncle''': Uncle has been researching the Cat of Khartoum. :'''Jackie''': Yes, and did you discover any unusual legends or- :'''Uncle''': Getting to that! According to legend, anyone who gets scratched by claw of statue- :'''Jackie''': Becomes like a cat themself! :'''Uncle''': Bah! You already know so much! Why you bother me? :'''Jackie''': There is one thing I do not know, Uncle. What is the antidote? :'''Uncle''': ''Antidote?!'' Do not get scratched by claw of cat! :'''Jackie''': I mean, how do you reverse the process? Or are you getting to that? :'''Uncle''': No! Getting to bed! Call you back later! <hr width=50%/> :''[Ratso and Finn sit in front of a fully transformed cat-like representation of Valmont]'' :'''Finn''': Dude, check it out. ''[Valmont chugs a large jar of creamer]'' Uh, want a little coffee with your cream there, Big-V? ''[Valmont ignores him and just licks his fingers]'' :'''Ratso''': I'll give him one thing; he's very tidy. :'''Finn''': I say we collect the dough for this thing pronto, get Valmont to a doctor. Maybe there's some kind of cure. :'''Ratso''': Don't you mean... a veterinarian? :''[Finn and Ratso snicker]'' :'''Valmont (Cat)''': I heard that. In fact, my hearing has become ''quite'' accute. There is no cure, because this is not a disease. It's a transformation. And I rather like the new me. <hr width=50%/> :'''Valmont (Cat)''': ''[laughing playfully while hitting tassles]'' Tassles! I never realized what pleasure they can give. <hr width=50%/> :'''Valmont (Cat)''': ''[clawing through a wall]'' [[w:The Shining (film)|Here's Tabby]]! ===Pleasure Cruise [2.27]=== :'''Jackie''': ''[after surviving a fall from a skyscraper by using a flag as a parachute and landing in front of many bewildered onlookers]'' Uh... The elevator is too slow. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jackie''': The cargo ship was not a secure enough transport. The museum decided that with the thieves still at large, the Golden Dragon will instead travel to Hong Kong on the last place anyone would think to look; a cruise ship. I will accompany it. :'''Jade''': Tch. You lucked out. :'''Jackie''': Yes. The only problem is that the museum has given me a two room suite. I do not know what to do with all the extra space. :'''Jade''': I'm going on a cruise! Yes! :'''Jackie''': Heh heh, all of us are going. Uncle, Tohru... :'''Uncle''': Pah! Uncle does not cruise. Uncle does inventory! :'''Jackie''': Uncle, when was the last time you took a real vacation? :'''Uncle''': Let me see. Three, four, carry the one, never! So why start now? <hr width=50%/> :'''Tohru''': I will stay here. :'''Jade''': Tohru? Hello?! Swimming pools? Whale watching? All the shrimp you can eat? ''[Tohru glares at her]'' Okay, strike that. All the pizza you can eat? :'''Tohru''': I... cannot travel on a ship. :'''Jade''': Tch. Knew I shouldn't have taken you to see [[w:Titanic (1997 film)|Titanic]]. That was just a movie, Tohru. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jackie''': Where are you going, Uncle? :'''Uncle''': To lifeboat! Row back to shore! :'''Mama Tohru''': Good! I have better things to do than hang around with junk seller! I visit with my boy, relax, play a little Mahjong... :'''Uncle''': ''[interested]'' You play Mahjong? :'''Mama Tohru''': No, I ''win'' at Mahjong. Five-time All Kyoto Finalist! :'''Uncle''': Hong Kong Community Center Champion 1955. Beat you with one hand ''tied'' behind back! :'''Mama Tohru''': Ha! Big talker! How about you put your tiles where your mouth is? <hr width=50%/> :''[loading up lifeboats]'' :'''Ship Officer''': We're near capacity, Captain! :'''Ship Captain''': Boats can and will accommodate every passenger and crewmember! :'''Ship Officer''': But we've never really had anyone... his size. ''[everyone looks at Tohru]'' :'''Tohru''': That boat, bobbing up and down? I will stay here. :'''Mama Tohru''': If my baby not going, I'm not going. Bah. Take the Billy Goat! :'''Uncle''': Hah! Nice try! Could not leave ship until I whoop you at Shuffleboard! Take Jade! ===The Chosen One [2.28]=== :'''Uncle''': Kindly forgive the brutish behavior of my apprentice. ''[takes away Tohru's Chinese Takeout food]'' He offers you his meal as an apology. :'''Ben-Shui Monk''': Oh, we would ''never'' eat his food. :'''Uncle''': You do not like moo shu? <hr width=50%/> :'''Uncle''': ''[rolling out a mattress]'' Uncle is too old for this! :'''Jade''': ''[rolling out a mattress]'' Tch. ''I'm'' too old for this! :'''Jackie''': ''[rolling out a mattress]'' Let's just try to make the best of- ''[mattresses are pulled out from under them]'' Oof! :'''Jade''': Hey! :'''Uncle''': Huh?! :''[mattresses are stacked up for Tohru]'' :'''Ben-Shui Monk''': When the Chosen One sleeps well, everyone is rested! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jade''': Pillow fight! Whoa! :'''[Uncle grabs Jade by her arm]'' :'''Uncle''': You are too young to watch battle with the forces of darkness! :'''Jade''': Awww... <hr width=50%/> :'''Uncle''': ''Oooh!'' Tohru! Uncle has the willies! :'''Tohru''': Willies? :'''Uncle''': Dark Chi must be near! <hr width=50%/> :'''Uncle''': ''[after Tohru disappears; to Jackie]'' You are a lousy Champion! You let the Chosen One out of your sight! <hr width=50%/> :'''Uncle''': '' Jade! :'''Jade''': [Gasps] :'''Jade''': [slams the door] You are still too young. :'''Jade''': Awww!!! <hr width=50%/> :''[Jade finds Tohru washing dishes]'' :'''Jade''': The Chosen One is a cleanser of souls, not a washer of dishes. :'''Tohru''': ''[sigh]'' But I do not want to be the Chosen One. :'''Jade''': Tch. Why not? You have your own personal champion, and servants who wade on you, hand and foot. :'''Tohru''': I am not accustomed to such treatment, Jade. I enjoy serving people, especially those I like. :'''Jade''': Well, maybe washing dishes isn't the only way to help. Did you see how happy you made those villagers? The Chosen One serves too, in a different kind of way. :'''Tohru''': Perhaps you are right. :'''Jade''': ''[grabs plate]'' Good, 'cause you missed a spot. You are ''so'' fired! <hr width=50%/> :'''Daolon Wong''': Step aside, wizard! Your tepid spells cannot stop me! :'''Uncle''': Be warned! I was a student of Chi Master Fong! :'''Daolon Wong''': And I am Daolon Wong, the Dark Master who defeated Fong! :'''Uncle''': ''[gasp]'' You will ''PAY'' for that! ===Glove Story [2.29]=== :'''Jackie''': I'm sorry, but this find belongs to the museum. :'''Haggis''': Uh...your name is "The Museum"? <hr width=50%/> :'''Jade''': Jackie! ''[leaps on him]'' :'''Jackie''': Hello. :'''Jade''': ''[gasp; takes Greenbeard's Gloves]'' Are these from Greenbeard's ship? Can I keep 'em, ''please?'' I've been reading all about Greenbeard! :'''Jackie''': You've been reading? For pleasure? :'''Jade''': Tch. Not like there's anything else to do around here! ''[picks up nearby book]'' "The meanest pirate of them all! Greenbeard swore he would keep stealing forever, even after he died. Argh!" How cool was he? :'''Jackie''': There is nothing "cool" about stealing, Jade. :'''Jade''': Awww... :'''Tohru''': Crime does not pay. If Captain Black had not pulled strings after I left the Dark Hand, I would be in prison right now. :'''Uncle''': Instead, he lives under the supervision of his parole officer! ''[reveals Mahjong hand]'' So Tohru is free to lose as ''many'' games of Mahjong as he likes! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jackie''': So, do you think- could you please pull a few more strings? :'''Captain Black''': I want to Jackie, but my hands are tied this time. :'''Jackie''': I really thought Tohru had left his past behind. :'''Captain Black''': So did I, but the sad truth is some people never change. ===Tough Luck [2.30]=== :''[Finn is dreaming of the Dark Hand performing with a rock band in front of an audience; mid-way through their song, Jackie leaps from a helicopter and grabs Finn by his collar]'' :'''Finn''': But... we're not even doing anything wrong! :'''Jackie''': You are off-key. ''[punches Finn]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Customer''': ''[inspecting a vase]'' Is this late Yuan Dynasty or early Ming? :'''Tohru''': Uh... It is from China. ''[Customer leaves the shop]'' :'''Uncle''': ''[scoffs]'' You are a terrible salesman! You must know the merchandise. :'''Jade''': Uncle's right, Tohru. For example, this lovely lamp is from the junk dyansty. :'''Jackie''': You are not helping, Jade. <hr width=50%/> :''[in sales training, holding a painted duck]'' :'''Tohru''': Uh... Note the hand painted details and um... ''[clears throat]'' Duck shape? :'''Jackie''': How nice. I will take two. :'''Uncle''': Ai-yah! Tohru, you must mention its age. And Jackie, I did not believe your performance for a second. <hr width=50/> :'''Uncle''': Infamous Emerald of Killarney. Feared throughout the world. :'''Jade''': Feared? :'''Uncle''': That stone carries an Irish curse bringing endless bad luck to whomever possesses it. Jade, you are cursed! :'''Jade''': Really? I don't feel cur- ''[wind suddenly blows money from her hand into a candle flame]'' ''I'M CURSED!'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Jade''': I got you into this, at least let me help get you out! Besides, you can't go to Ireland by yourself. You're cursed. :'''Jackie''': I can handle a little bad luck Jade. :'''Uncle''': Not without Uncle's lucky charms. ''[gives him a Garlic necklace]'' Garlic, good for digestion, and for luck. One more thing. ''[hands him a live rabbit]'' Rabbit's feet. They work better when they are still on the rabbit. ''[gives him a handful of radishes]'' And keep these with you at all times, or else... :'''Jackie''': Or else what? :'''Uncle''': The rabbit will get hungry! <hr width=50%/> :'''Beat-up Man''': ''[beckons to Uncle's Shop]'' That's where I unloaded the Emerald. :'''Ratso''': Chan?! :'''Chow''': He has the stone?! :'''Finn''': Of all the rotten luck! :'''Ratso''': Maybe we should track down a different emerald. :'''Finn''': Yo, I'm the boss, and I say we're getting ''this'' emerald! Hey, maybe Chan was too much for the Dark Hand, but we are [[w:The Jimi Hendrix Experience|the Finn Experience]]! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jackie''': Jade? :'''Jade''': Uncle may go for garlic and rabbits, but we both know I'm your real good luck charm. :'''Jackie''': Jade, you are going back right- ''[suddenly pinched]'' Ow! :'''Man''': Top of the morning to ya. :'''Jackie''': You're going back- ''[pinched again]'' Ow! You're- ''[pinched again]'' Ow! Why does everyone keep doing that?! :'''Jade''': 'Cause this is Ireland, you're not wearing green, and it's kinda St. Patrick's Day. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jackie''': ''[cellphone rings]'' Hello? :'''Uncle''': Jackie, I have been doing more research. Tohru is performing an Irish Good Luck spell for you. Is it working? :'''Jackie''': Don't- ''[pinched]'' Ow! -think so. :'''Uncle''': You call that an Irish Jig, Tohru? That spell says you must River Dance! ''[to Jackie]'' One more thing. To avoid bad luck, always wear a belt, beware of men named Seamus, and never stand with your back to an open door. :'''Jackie''': Are you making these up? :'''Uncle''': Do you want Uncle's help or not?! :'''Jackie''': ''[backs away from an open door]'' Bah! Open door! ''[backs into Finn, Ratso, and Chow]'' Ahhh! The Dark Hand?! :'''Finn''': Not anymore. We are [[w:The Revolution (band)|Finn and the Revolution]]! :'''Ratso''': I thought we were the Finn Experience. :'''Finn''': Eh, I'm still playing around with names. <hr width=50%/> :'''Finn''': ''[grabbing Jackie]'' No one escapes from [[w: Earth, Wind, & Fire|Finn, Wind, and Fire]]! <hr width=50%/> :'''Chow''': We never made this kind of coin working for the Dark Hand! :'''Ratso''': [[w:The Rolling Stones|The Rolling Finns]] rock! :'''Finn''': My solo debut just went triple platinum! <hr width=50%/> :'''Finn''': Face it, Chan. You're no match for [[w:Van Halen|Finn Halen]]! Now give me the emerald! :'''Jackie''': ... willingly. ''[gives the emerald, and the curse to Finn]'' :'''Finn''': So, how does it feel to be a loser, Chan? :'''Jackie''': Actually, ''I'' feel lucky. ===The Amazing T-Girl! [2.31]=== :'''Captain Black''': I'm very sorry about this. :'''Uncle''': You should be sorry! We are not used to travelling with outsiders! You are ruining our Feng Shui! :'''Captain Black''': Uh, I meant about the Talismans. I just couldn't get the rocks to work their magic! :'''Jade''': ''[grabbing the Rooster Talisman from Black's backpack]'' You gotta have the right touch. :'''Jackie''': ''[grabs the Talisman and puts it back]'' Jade... :'''Jade''': Not even for demonstration purposes? :'''Jackie''': No. :'''Jade''': ''[snaps her finger, unknowingly activating the Monkey Talisman power]'' Rats. ''[transforms a nearby boulder into a statue of rats]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Ben-Shui Monk:''' Do not be concerned, friends. The power of the Talismans, lies within. :'''Jackie:''' You got them back? :'''Black:''' Jackie, Jackie... the Holy man speaks in the mystical sense, as in, [[w:May the force be with you|May the force be with you]], or [[w:We Are the World|We are the world]]. Right? :'''Monk:''' Oh, no no. The power of the Talismans, truly lies within. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jade''': ''[easily lifting up two monks in chairs]'' Jackie, check it out! I'm super strong! ''[runs around fast]'' Super fast, ''[turns invisible]'' super gone, ''[transformers into a monkey]'' super chimp, ''[reverts to herself]'' super Talisman powered! ''[grabs a green cloth and wears it like a cape]'' I'm T-Girl! :'''Jackie''': ''[shocked]'' How?! :'''Jade''': Not sure. But I think each finger controls a different power. Which would leave two unaccounted for. :'''Jackie''': Not what I meant! :'''Jade''': Oh, not sure how it happened. Maybe... ''[realizes]'' When I got zapped in the vault! Duh. ''[smacks her forehead, unleashing the Pig Talisman's Heat Beam power, blowing a hole in the temple]'' Whoa! So ''that's'' how I do heat beam eyes! Maybe dragon blast is my belly button! :'''Jackie''': No Jade, no dragon blast! :'''Uncle''': Power must be returned to their proper vessels with a restoration spell. :'''Jade''': Awww... :'''Uncle''': But we must first retrieve the Talismans themselves. :'''Jade''': Well what are we waiting for? Let's find Wong and stomp his ancient troub- :''[Jackie grabs her]'' :'''Jackie''': No. :'''Jade''': But Jackie, [[w:He-Man and the Masters of the Universe|I have the power]]! :'''Jackie''': Which Daolon Wong wants. Which is why you must stay here. Safe. <hr width=50%/> :''[After Uncle, Jackie, and Black have been captured and trapped in the ground by Daolon Wong]'' :'''Uncle:''' Do not waste your strength, someone will come. :'''Jackie:''' Let us hope it's not a wolf. :'''Black:''' Or a [[w:yeti|yeti]]. ''[pause]'' Well they have those here, right? <hr width=50%/> :'''Daolon Wong''': Hand over the girl! :'''Jade''': Come and get me! ''[blows a raspberry at Daolon Wong, resulting in her activating the Dragon Talisman's power from her mouth]'' <hr width=50%/> :''[after trying to heal Supermoose with the Horse Talisman, which actually uses the Dragon Talisman's power and destroys Supermoose]'' :'''Jade:''' Uh, what was the Dragon Blast doing in the Horse Talisman? ===The Chan Who Knew Too Much [2.32]=== :'''Jackie''': ''[after stumbling into a secret meeting]'' Uh, hello. Sorry to interrupt your function. I'll just find my way- :'''Magister Leader''': Thou knoweth too much! Thou must be smoten! <hr width=50%/> :'''Magister Leader''': He seeketh to learn the mysteries of our fortress! :''[Jackie runs into a room, which the Magisters follow him into]'' :'''Magister Leader''': He has spied, the secret library! :'''Jackie''': Umm, library? What library? ''[runs again into another room]'' :'''Magister Leader''': He hath discovered the hidden armory! :'''Jackie''': I'm just looking for an exit! ''[runs down a hall into another room]'' :'''Magister Leader''': Ehh! He hath entered the private water closet! :'''Magister''': He is privy to our privy! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jackie''': Captain Black? :'''Captain Black''': Jackie! How's England? :'''Jackie''': Dangerous. I fell into a hidden fortress, and men in robes attacked me with magic spe- :'''Captain Black''': ''NO NO!'' The M-word Jackie! My superiors already think I'm cracking up! And they're ''istening-le'' to my ''ohne calls-phe!'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Magister 1''': ''[pointing to Jackie's cell phone]'' You have knaved to others of the Magisters! :'''Jackie''': Magisters? :'''Magister 2''': He knoweth our name! :'''Jackie''': ''He'' just said it! <hr width=50%/> :'''Uncle''': ''[hitting the fax machine with a broom]'' Tohru! The giant phone is possessed! <hr width=50%/> :'''Magister''': Thou has faxed our insignia! :'''Jackie''': It didn't go through! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jade''': ''[handcuffed to Jackie; to Magister Constable]'' Give us the key! :'''Jackie''': Jade... ''Please'' give us the key! <hr width=50%/> :'''Magister Constable''': Halt! Ye shall be smoten, post-haste! <hr width=50%/> :'''Magister Constable''': Methinks yon varlet wisheth to challenge us in armed combat. :'''Jackie''': No! I don't wisheth that at alleth! <hr width=50%/> :'''Magister Constable''': Yon twain knoweth nothing of our magicks! :'''Jackie''': That is what I have been trying to tell you! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jackie''': We have to get help before they find us again. :'''Jade''': Tch. From who?! We're fresh out of proper authorities! Anybody here could be another Magister, Captain Black has magic issues, the only one who ''will'' help us is Uncle, and he can't even use a fax machine! :'''Jackie''': You're right, we are on our own, so we had better find out exactly what they don't want us to know. <hr width=50%/> :''[after Jackie and Jade discover the Magisters are responsible for stealing Stonehenge]'' :'''Magister Leader''': Deny it no further! Thou knoweth too much! :'''Jade''': Well duh! We do now! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jade''': For somebody who likes his privacy, this dude is such a blabbermouth! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jade''': Okay, let's try this one more time! ''[calls Uncle]'' Uncle! Evil wizards stole Stonehenge and- :'''Uncle''': Jackie told me, so we did research. Jade, the wizards are called Magisters. :'''Jade''': I know- :'''Uncle''': One more thing. Their society is ''very'' secretive. :'''Jade''': I know- :'''Uncle''': One more thing. They use magic words to cast spells. :'''Jade''': I know- :'''Uncle''': One more thing... <hr width=50%/> :''[as Uncle casts Chi Spells over the phone to combat the Magisters]'' :'''Jackie''': He can understand sending a spell through the phone, but not a piece of paper? ===Shrink Rap [2.33]=== :'''Hak Foo''': Rabid hamster climbs wheel! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jackie''': ''[as Hak Foo rolls down a hill on a water mill]'' Hak Foo really rolls with the punches. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jade''': Jackie, no! <hr width=50%/> :''[after Jackie and Hak Foo are shrunk]'' :'''Jackie''': ''[noticing a giant shoe]'' SHOE! :'''Hak Foo''': No one "shoo's" me! ''[is kicked my the giant shoe]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Uncle''': This antidote will release from detention he who is trapped in another dimension. :''[a portal opens and an amphibious monster appears]'' :'''Jade''': Uhhh, Jackie? :'''Amphibious Monster''': ''[British Accent]'' It's just me, but thank you ever so much for freeing me from that beastly limbo. :'''Uncle''': ... Not Jackie. :''[Tohru enters with a tray of cookies]'' :'''Amphibious Monster''': ''[sniffs the air]'' Ahh, lunch! :'''Tohru''': Uhh, cookie? :'''Amphibious Monster''': ''[eyeing Jade]'' What's a cookie? ''[roars, frightening Jade and Uncle]'' :'''Uncle''': Go away! ''[the amphibious monster is sent back through the portal]'' I must find another spell. :'''Jade''': You think?! ===I'll Be A Monkey's Puppet [2.34]=== :'''Jade''': But Jackie, I can't take first prize at the talent show if I don't have a talent! :'''Jackie''': Jade, you have a fine talent. For getting into trouble. :'''Jade''': Har. Har. <hr width=50%/> :'''Uncle''': You bought this from my competition?! :'''Jade''': ''[playing with the Monkey King puppet, and the eyebrow breaks off]'' Hey, it broke! :'''Uncle''': Because it is junk! Kai Ching steals my business by selling cheap trinkets! :'''Jackie''': But Kai Ching said it was one of a kind. ''[Uncle cuffs him twice]'' Ow! Ow! :'''Uncle''': And that is ''TWO'' of a kind to teach you that bringing my competitors goods into my shop invites bad Chi! One more thing. Do you see any Monkey Kings in here? No? That is because the Monkey King is known for his love of mischief! ''[looks at the puppet]'' And he is creepy looking! :'''Jackie''': Uncle, please. It is only a puppet, and Jade's talent show is tomorrow. :'''Uncle''': You will be sorry. <hr width=50%/> :''[after the Monkey King transforms Jackie into a puppet and defeats Tohru]'' :'''Uncle''': We are dealing with a very sick mind. :'''Jade''': Uncle, you have to do something! :'''Uncle''': I am not Geppetto. I do not bring puppets to life. :'''Jade''': ''[getting an idea]'' You're a genius! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jade''': The Rat Talisman brings motion to the motionless. ''[places the Rat Talisman on the Jackie Puppet]'' This oughta get Jackie back on his feet. :''[the Talisman activates and Jackie wakes up]'' :'''Jade''': Well, it's a start. :'''Jackie (Puppet)''': What? What is it? :'''Uncle''': ''[rushes forward]'' Nothing! Do not look in mirror! :'''Jackie (Puppet)''': ''[sees reflection]'' Bwah! :'''Uncle''': I told you not to look in mirror! He never listens. <hr width=50%/> :''[riding a toy boat]'' :'''Monkey King''': [[w:Titanic (1997 film)|I'm king of the world]]! <hr width=50%/> :'''Monkey King''': ''[brandishes a large axe]'' How much wood does a woodchuck chuck? :'''Jade''': Oh my gosh, look out! :'''Monkey King''': Huh? ''[turns around; Jade and Jackie's puppet run away; realizes]'' Can't believe I fell for that old gag. ===Chi of the Vampire [2.35]=== :'''Uncle''': Jackie, guard the door in case it returns! :'''Jackie''': "It"? :'''Uncle''': Hidden inside of an antique? Mr. Lam tried to trick us into taking it! :'''Jackie''': What is "it"? :'''Uncle''': A Jiang Shi Vampire! :'''Jade''': Told ya. :'''Jackie''': ... Did the ''little monster'' put you up to this? <hr width=50%/> :'''Uncle''': Chinese vampire drain Chi. Life energy from the prey making the vampire stronger, and turning the victims into servants. Without any Chi, Tohru will soon transform into a fiendish minion of darkness! We must perform a Chi transfusion! :'''Jackie''': Transfusion? You want to put someone else's Chi in Tohru's body? :'''Jade''': Tch. Where are you gonna find someone with that much extra- ''[Uncle grabs her]'' Whoa! :'''Uncle''': You have abundant youthful energy. Chi to spare. It is the only way to prevent Tohru from serving the undead! <hr width=50%/> :''[after Tohru throws the Vampire through a door]'' :'''Jackie''': Thank you, Tohru. :'''Tohru''': ''[with Jade's Chi]'' I just slam-dunked a Chi Sucker! ''I rule!!!'' ''[begins to dance]'' Go Tohru! Go Tohru! I'm the bomb! :'''Uncle''': Hmmm. It appears the Chi transfusion was successful. :'''Jade''': ''[dancing]'' Go Jade! Go Jade! Lotta Chi Girl! Saving Tohru! <hr width=50%/> :'''Tohru''': ''[with Jade's Chi]'' How are we gonna save Uncle ''without'' Uncle??? :'''Jade''': ''[with Uncle's Chi]'' We must do research! :'''Jackie''': You gotta be kidding me. <hr width=50%/> :'''Tohru''': ''[with Jade's Chi; holding an unconscious Uncle]'' He's starting to go all fang-y. :'''Jackie''': Uncle is turning into the vampire's minion. Use my Chi for the transfusion. ''[is cuffed by Jade]'' Ow! :'''Jade''': ''[with Uncle's Chi]'' I do not know such spells! Jade has Uncle's ''CHI'', not his brains! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jade''': ''[with Uncle's Chi, after Uncle fully transforms]'' Aii-yah! He is a servant to the vampire! :'''Tohru''': ''[with Jade's Chi]'' Duh! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jade''': ''[with Uncle's Chi]'' We must all reclaim our Chi before sunrise, or it will belong to the Vampire forever! :'''Tohru''': ''[with Jade's Chi]'' You mean I'd be stuck in Jade-mode? :'''Jade''': ''[with Uncle's Chi]'' You would rather have Uncle's Chi? I cannot stop thinking about digestion! :'''Vampire Uncle''': ''[in a state of paralysis]'' My master will drink you dry! Drink you- ''[mouth covered by Jackie]'' :'''Jackie''': How do we take back the Chi? :'''Tohru''': ''[with Jade's Chi]'' Easy. We just hunt down Count Jerkula, and... ''[kicks and punches in the air]'' :'''Jade''': ''[with Uncle's Chi]'' No! Magic must defeat magic! We must collect a toadstool from a graveyard, place it inside the vampire's left sock, and throw the sock into a river! :'''Jackie''': ... You're making this up. :'''Jade''': ''[with Uncle's Chi]'' You want to stop the Jiang Shi? Yes? THEN DO WHAT JADE TELLS YOU! One more thing. We must hurry. The sunrise is in thirty minutes! :'''Tohru''': ''[with Jade's Chi]'' Come on Jackie! It's vampire butt-kick time! :'''Jackie''': This is too weird. <hr width=50%/> :'''Vampire Uncle''': ''[in a state of paralysis]'' Master, I have fallen, and I cannot get up! <hr width=50%/> :'''Tohru''': ''[twirling the Vampire's sock and chanting]'' We knocked your socks off! ''[sniffs the sock]'' EWWW! ===The Good, the Bad, the Blind, the Deaf and the Mute [2.36]=== :'''Uncle''': ''[coming upon a large idol of three stone monkeys]'' There! :'''Jade''': Whoa! Mt. Chimpmore. :'''Uncle''': The great idol of the Three Wise Monkeys. Legend tells that it is filled with Dark Chi. :'''Jackie''': The idol is evil? :'''Uncle''': No. Three Wise Monkeys are guardians. Good wizards sealed the Dark Chi within them looking ago, so that humanity may neither see, hear, nor speak of such evil. ''[shudders]'' Ooooh. :'''Tohru''': What is it, sensei? :'''Uncle''': The willies! :'''Daolon Wong''': ''[suddenly appearing]'' No doubt the forces of light have summoned you here, since I possess the only existing map. :'''Jackie''': Daolon Wong! :'''Jade''': The anti-Uncle! <hr width=50%/> :''[as everyone regains consciousness, noticing the idol has vanished]'' :'''Jade''': DAOLON IS GONE! :'''Uncle''': As is the idol! :'''Jade''': MT. CHIMPMORE IS GONE TOO! :'''Uncle''': That is what I just said! :''[Jackie tries to speak, only to realize he's mute]'' :'''Jade''': DAOLON IS GONE AND HE TOOK MT. CHIMPMORE WITH HIM! :'''Uncle''': Ai-yah! Stop shouting Jade! I am old, not deaf! ''[Jackie gets Uncles attention, but still cannot speak]'' Speak up Jackie! I cannot hear you! :'''Tohru''': ''[fumbling around with his hands]'' How can you see through this cloud of Dark Chi? :'''Uncle''': There is no Dark Chi cloud! :'''Tohru''': Then why can I not see you? :''[Jackie once more tries to speak]'' :'''Jade''': UNCLE! NO SOUND IS COMING OUT OF JACKIE'S MOUTH! :'''Uncle''': ''[realizing]'' Because Jackie is mute. :'''Jade''': UNCLE! NO SOUND IS COMING OUT OF ''YOUR'' MOUTH! :'''Uncle''': Jade is deaf! :'''Tohru''': ''[fumbling with Uncle's face]'' Sensei? :'''Uncle''': ''[muffled]'' And Tohru is blind! <hr width=50%/> :'''Tohru''': ''[wandering around]'' We are like the three Wise Monkeys! :'''Jade''': WHAT? SPEAK UP TOHRU! :'''Tohru''': ''[walking away]'' I said "We are like the-" :'''Jade''': YO! TOHRU! OVER HERE! I DON'T THINK T CAN SEE! :'''Tohru''': Why were you not affected, Sensei? :'''Uncle''': As a student of Master Fong, I am protected by an abundance of Good Chi. :'''Jade''': IF I'M DEAF, AND TOHRU IS BLIND, THAT MEANS UNCLE MUST BE MUTE! ''[Jackie tries to tell her that he's mute]'' JACKIE, I CAN'T HEAR YOU, ''DUH!'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Uncle''': ''[to Jackie]'' I cannot read your lips. Your accent is too thick! ===The Warrior Incarnate [2.37]=== :'''Shendu''': My patience wears thin, Valmont. Every moment spent imprisoned in this stone casement is an eternity lost! :'''Valmont''': I assure you Shendu, my men are spending every waking moment searching for your Talismans. :''[Finn and Ratso enter the room arguing over a newspaper]'' :'''Ratso''': Aww, come on, I wanna see the baseball scores! :'''Finn''': Nuh-uh! Not until I finish checking out Stewie Cablooie. He's the bomb! :'''Shendu''': You two! Come closer! :'''Ratso''': Uh oh... :'''Shendu''': Show me the parchment. :'''Ratso''': ''[shows Shendu the Sports section]'' You a [[w:San Francisco Giants|Giants]] fan, Shendu? :'''Shendu''': Argh! Turn it ''over!'' :'''Ratso''': The hair plugs ad? :'''Shendu''': ''[seeing an article about an ancient statue]'' The statue of Lo Pei... :'''Finn''': You wanna see Lo Pei, oughta check out my salary. Get it? Low pay? <hr width=50%/> :''[after Jade crashes into Lo Pei statue]'' :'''Jackie''': ''[Shocked]'' What did you do?! :'''Jade''': What did ''you'' do?! You put an old junk heap in the middle of the floor! :'''Jackie''': That "old junk heap" is a priceless antiquity on loan from the museum! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jackie''': ''[nervously pacing]'' Oh, broken statue... :'''Jade''': Sorry! :'''Jackie''': Broken statue! :'''Jade''': Sorry! :'''Jackie''': Broken statue! :'''Jade''': Sorry! :'''Uncle''': Jasmine tea to calm the nerves... :'''Jackie''': Yes, I can see my future in the tea leaves. The museum contacts the university, my career winds up like that statue; ruined! ''[Uncle cuffs him]'' Ow! :'''Uncle''': Your career not important! Now we will never read the inscriptions. Knowledge has been lost forever! ... Must call my insurance agent, see if I'm covered for this. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jade''': Really, I can explain! :'''Captain Black''': No need. The intruder was obviously an emissary of the Dark Hand utilizing a high octane nerve gas. You were foolish to try and stop him on your own... ''[pats Jade's head]'' But also very brave. :'''Jade''': Yeah, well I try to be of help. :'''Jackie''': Yes, and I wish you would stop helping. ''[notices the Talismans are gone]'' The Talismans! How?! :'''Jade''': Uh... you know that broken statue? Well, he's not so broken anymore. :'''Jackie''': What?! :'''Jade''': Don't worry, Jackie. I can help! ''[covers mouth]'' The H word. ''[later]'' I meant help you find the warrior, not help do the laundry. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jackie''': No, don't hurt her! :'''Jade''': It's okay, Jackie. Me and Lo Pei are pals. :'''Lo Pei''': Pals. ''[gives thumbs up gesture]'' A-okay. :'''Jackie''': And the Talismans? :'''Jade''': Oh. Those. Well, the Dark Hand kinda got the drop on us, and... heh. :'''Jackie''': ''[facepalms]'' Ohhh... :'''Jade''': We'll get the Talismans back! Warriors, yes! :'''Jackie''': Warriors, no! You are a child, and I am an archaeologist, ''[to Lo Pei]'' though not for long if I don't get you back to the museum. :'''Lo Pei''': Again you speak nonsense. As the crescent-moon is duty-bound to follow the sunset, so shall I smite this Dark Hand! ''[gives a thumbs up]'' HOO-AH! :'''Jackie''': "Hoo-ah"? :'''Jade''': It's an ancient warrior thing. ===Snake Hunt [2.38]=== :'''Jade''': ''[as Jackie grabs her shoulder]'' Waahh! :'''Jackie''': Hi Jade. :'''Jade''': ''[breathing heavily]'' Jackie, don't sneak up on me like that! :'''Jackie''': Oh, I was sneaking up on you? You're supposed to back at the hotel. :'''Jade''': ''Sure.'' Limit my exposure to other cultures. Stifle my educational potential. :'''Jackie''': Jade, I'm only trying to stifle your potential to be harmed. What if the Dark Hand were here too, searching for the Snake Talisman? :'''Jade''': Did you find it? :'''Jackie''': Not yet. You'd think it were invisible. <hr width=50%/> :'''Wesley Rank''': Edit that out! <hr width=50%/> :'''Wesley Rank''': And thus, "Just the Artifacts" has the exclusive scoop on this infamous Snake Talisman, whatever that is. You do think everyone was fighting over the chalk drawing, don't you? :'''Dino Stefanson''': ''[packing away his camera]'' Oh, maybe we should ask an archeologist. :'''Wesley Rank''': I ''AM'' AN ARCHEOLOGIST! :'''Dino Stefanson''': Oh right, destroying 4,000 year-old drawings, yeah that's what archeologists do. <hr width=50%/> :''[after Jackie accidentally drops the Snake Talisman]'' :'''Jade''': ''[looking to catch it]'' I got it, I got it! :'''Wesey Rank''': ''[reaches out and catches the Talisman]'' How wrong you are, little lady! ''[to Dino]'' You there, uh camera-guy! Roll film, quickly! ''[temple begins to rumble]'' Welcome! I'm Wesley Rank and you're watching "Just the Artifacts" at the legendary once lost Temple of Culebra Gigante! I have just braved a ''treacherous'' climb to the temple's ''harrowing'' heights to bring you this! ''[holds up the Talisman]'' The Snake Talisman! :''[Jade suddenly appears in the shot punching him from below]'' :'''Jade''': No! Liar, liar, liar! :'''Wesley Rank''': ''[pushes Jade off; mockingly]'' Owww, that hurt! Edit that out. Where did this mysterious Talisman come from? Why was it here? And what is that awful racket?! <hr width=50%/> :'''Wesley Rank''': Everything all right? :'''Dino Stefanson''': Maybe a sprain. :'''Wesley Rank''': I meant the camera! Now point it at that exit, let's wrap this up! <hr width=50%/> :'''Wesley Rank''': And with this phenomenal find, firmly in hand, this is Wesley Rank bidding you farewell, 'til next time on "Just the Artifacts"! ''[turns to leave through the tunnel behind him, before running back screaming in absolute terror]'' AHHHHHHH!!!! :'''Dino Stefanson''': Let me guess, edit that out? <hr width=50%/> :'''Dino Stefanson''': Network's gonna love this. <hr width=50%/> :''[Jackie and Jade are watching the show that Wesley was filming]'' :'''Wesley Rank''': Welcome, I'm Wesley Rank and you're watching "Just the Artifacts" at the legendary once lost Temple of Culebra Gigante! I have just braved a ''treacherous'' climb to the temple's ''harrowing'' heights to bring you this...the Snake Talisman! :'''Jade (on television)''': ''[enters the shot, punching Wesley from below]'' No! :'''Jackie''': Huh? :'''Jade''': I'm on TV! :'''Jackie''': Rank didn't edit that out? :'''Jade (on television)''': Liar, liar, liar! :'''Wesley Rank''': ''[pushing Jade offscreen; mockingly]'' Owww, that hurt! ''[immediately cuts to him running in fear from Culebra Gigante]'' AHHHHHHH! :'''Dino Stefanson''': ''[laughs]'' Welcome to a special edition of "Just the Artifacts"! Wesley Rank may not know how to treat little girls, but he sure knows how to scream like one! I'm Dino Stefanson, and I'll be your new guide! :'''Jade''': ''[laughing]'' Go camera guy! :'''Jackie''': Look! :''[shows a shot of the Snake Talisman]'' :'''Dino Stefanson''': You'll also get the full scoop on how we recovered this rare Snake Talisman from a local pawn shop Rank sold it to. We of course donated the artifact to the New York Museum. :'''Jackie''': ''[sigh]'' After what we've been through, getting the Talisman from the museum should be a snap. ''[pops neck]'' :'''Jade''': We're off to the jungle! :'''Jackie''': Jade? :'''Jade''': New York? The ''concrete'' jungle? Duh! ===Through the Rabbit Hole [2.39]=== :'''Chow''': I wish we hadn't lost that speed talisman. :'''Finn''': I wish Chan was never born. :'''Ratso''': I wish one of those talismans would come to us for a change! :''[The talisman locater suddenly starts glowing. The Enforcers look outside to see Jade walking past them]'' :'''Ratso''': I wish I had a million bucks! <hr width=50%/> :'''Ratso''': So she speeds off, and then zappo, she's gone! :'''Finn''': It was freaky, Big V! Left behind some kind of energy hole! :'''Valmont''': Energy hole? ''Zappo?'' :'''Shendu''': A crude description, Valmont, but I indeed sense a wrinkle in time. The child has used the speed talisman to forge a tunnel to the past. :'''Valmont''': And if Shendu's rabbit dug a hole, all you idiots have to do to secure the Talisman is go ''through'' that hole. :'''Shendu''': But tunnels through time flow only in one direction. If you wish them to return, they will require this. ''[a Shadowkahn warrior presents a crystal orb to Tohru]'' :'''Ratso''': So uh...just how far back does this tunnel thingy go? :'''Finn''': We talking dinosaurs? :'''Valmont''': I don't care if it leads to the [[w:Big Bang|Big Bang]], you buffoons! Just bring me that talisman! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jackie''': Kepler, have you seen- ''[Kepler's Chroniton Beam fires directly at Jackie as he enters the door; Jackie narrowly avoids it]'' AHH! :'''Kepler''': Same beam almost fried Jade. Maybe I should move the emitter. :'''Jackie''': ''Maybe???'' This is a safety hazard! <hr width=50%/> :'''Finn''': Get down! Get funky! It's the 70's! <hr width=50%/> :''[Jade and a Young Jackie Chan rush into Uncle's Store]'' :'''Young Jackie''': How did you know where I live? :'''Jade''': Whoa, what are these? ''[picks up a tape only to have Uncle appear and take it back]'' :'''Young Uncle''': [[w:8-Track tape|8-Track tapes]]. :'''Jade''': But where are the antiques? :'''Young Uncle''': While I wish to trade in ancient treasures, 8-Track is the way of the future. <hr width=50%/> :'''Ratso''': Whoa! It's Chan! But bite-sized! :'''Chow''': And if we off him when he's little... :'''Finn''': He'll never get big! :'''Tohru''': Destroy him! :'''Young Jackie''': ''[gasp]'' Bad day... <hr width=50%/> :'''Jade''': Think we ditched 'em. :'''Young Jackie''': Ditched who, why are those men after me, what's that rabbit thing, how can you run so fast, ''what's going on?!'' :'''Jade''': Okay, here's the deal. I'm from the future. You're my uncle. The talisman's magic. The Dark Hand is after it, and now they wanna get rid of you so that they won't have to fight you when you grow up. Get it? :'''Young Jackie''': ...That's crazy Jade. You're crazy! <hr width=50%/> :'''Young Valmont''': ''[after rendering Uncle unconscious]'' My first act of megavillany! This is an exhilarating moment! <hr width=50%/> :''[as the Chans engage the Dark Hand in a school dance]'' :'''Student 1''': [[w:Kung Fu Fighting|Everybody is Kung Fu fighting!]] :'''Student 2''': Hooah! <hr width=50%/> :'''Young Valmont''': You may have won today, Chan, but we will meet again, and- :''[Young Jackie bluffs a hit inches from Valmont's face, causing him to scream and faint]'' :'''Young Uncle''': Jackie, it looks like you will have a very interesting future, with a very odd niece. One more thing. Did she say anything else about my future in antiques? ==Season 3 (The Talisman-Powered Animals)== ===Re-Enter the J Team [3.1]=== :'''Jade''': Jackie, I keep having the same weird dream. I show up the first day of class without my... what I did during summer vacation essay. :'''Jackie''': Gee. Perhaps you should start writing your essay. :'''Jade''': Tch. You mean write about how boring vacation's been? We haven't seen a single demon, or ninja, or Dark Hand thug. :'''Jackie''': Hmmm. My kind of summer. <hr width=50%/> :''[during a slideshow presentation of various [[w:Jade|Jade]] Artifacts]'' :'''Jackie''': I recognize some of these pieces. Some of the finest examples of Emperor's Jade ever to exist. :'''Captain Black''': Until they vanished. As you know the collections of nearly a dozen Chinese museums have been hit over the last decade, and the thefts have the same thing in common. :'''Jackie''': No prints, no tracks, no suspects. :'''Captain Black''': Until now. Section 13 agents have been tracking the movements of Taiwanese billionaire Bartholomew Chang. :'''Jackie''': ''[noticing Chang's hand is made entirely of jade]'' His hand! :'''Captain Black''': Made of jade. :'''Jade''': ''[enters the room]'' You rang? :'''Jackie & Captain Black''': The stone. :'''Jade''': Just checking! ''[leaves]'' :'''Captain Black''': Our biggest obstacle is diplomatic. The Taiwanese government believes Chang to be its greatest philanthropist. That's why we can't make a move on his island fortress without absolute proof that he's stockpiling the goods there. :'''Jackie''': And I can help you, how? :'''Captain Black''': Chang is about to host his annual exclusive Martial Arts Tournament, ostensibly for charity. But I believe Chang uses the tournament as an audition to recruit muscle for his private army, and the guest transportation as a means to smuggle jade onto the island, and off of it. :'''Jackie''': You want me to attend the tournament as a contestant. :'''Captain Black''': And find the... ''[looks around; whispers]'' Jade. :''[Jade suddenly appears from an overhead vent]'' :'''Jade''': Captain Black, no offense, but this is way out of Jackie's league. This is a job for the J-Team! El Toro Fuerte; wrestler extraordinaire! Viper; mistress of Hapkido, Pilates, and Krav Maga! Tohru; the big strong... er, Sumo! :'''Jackie''': Uh, yes. Captain Black, I am sorry my neice has such an active imagination. :'''Captain Black''': I like it! <hr width=50%/> :'''Tohru''': Sumo? But I am small for a Sumo. <hr width=50%/> :'''Viper''': You're a real master of disguise. :'''El Toro''': El Toro Fuerte never removes his mask. :'''Viper''': Wish I could remove these pajamas. Not used to such a roomy fit. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jade''': Ready to go for the gold, Big Bopper? :'''Jackie''': Jade! How did you-?! :'''Jade''': Captain Black said the boats were used to smuggle Jade onto the island, duh! :'''Jackie''': Not the ''niece'', the stone! <hr width=50%/> :'''Bartholomew Chang''': And over here, the pride and joy of Chang Enterprises; basket weaving. All proceeds go- ''[Jackie falls from an air vent]'' You! This area is off limits! What are you doing?! :'''Jackie''': Looking for Jade! :'''Bartholomew Chang''': ''[nervously]'' What jade?! There is no jade here! I see no jade! :'''Jackie''': Oh no no no no, Jade my niece, not jade the stone! Have you seen it- I mean, her? ===The Powers Unleashed [3.2]=== :'''Valmont''': And now that I'm finally rid of that petulant lizard, Shendu, the Dark Hand will rise ag- :'''Ratso''': Uh, Valmont? Your pancakes are getting cold. ''[Valmont gives Ratso his pancake stack]'' :'''Valmont''': Speaking of temperature, you'll need to acquire some serious heat if we're to embark on our epic crime spree! :'''Finn''': Now you're talking, Big-V! :'''Chow''': So, what's the plan? :'''Valmont''': You three will break into Section 13 and steal the Talismans. :'''Ratso''': Whoa, again? :'''Chow''': Uh, busting into Section 13's kinda risky. :'''Finn''': Besides V, we don't do ''flunky'' work. :'''Ratso''': Not unless we're getting paid. :'''Valmont''': Uh true, this Demon nonsense has depleted Dark Hand finances, but you know I'm good for it! :''[long pause]'' :'''Chow''': Okay, but you gotta make us partners. :'''Valmont''': Call yourselves Vice Presidents if you wish, just bring me those Talismans!!! ''[the restaurant bill is placed on the table, which Valmont hands to the Enforcers]'' :'''Finn, Ratso, & Chow''': Hey! :'''Valmont''': What? ''I'' didn't eat. <hr width=50%/> :'''Ratso''': ''[after breaking into Section 13]'' Sweet! No guards in sight! :'''Finn & Chow''': Shhh! :'''Ratso''': Man, security here stinks! <hr width=50%/> :'''Daolon Wong''': ''[taking the Talismans]'' ... and Monkey makes twelve. ''[suddenly grabbed by Ratso]'' :'''Finn''': ''We'll'' take those. :'''Chow''': Who are you anyway? :'''Ratso''': Oooh oooh, I know! He's [[w:Eric Singer|the drummer]] from [[w:Kiss (band)|KISS]]! <hr width=50%/> :'''Finn, Ratso, & Chow''': Chan! :'''Daolon Wong''': Retrieve the Talismans! :'''Finn''': What ''he'' said! <hr width=50%/> :'''Uncle''': Jackie! You must not let Daolon Wong have the Talismans! :'''Jackie''': ... Okay. ''No one'' will have them. <hr width=50%/> :''[after Jackie destroys the Talismans]'' :'''Jade''': Jackie... you blew them up! :'''Jackie''': ''[sigh]'' It is finally over... ''[is cuffed by Uncle]'' Oww! :'''Uncle''': ''Not'' over. It is just beginning. :'''Jackie''': ''It is???'' :'''Uncle''': Talismans can be destroyed, but the powers they contain cannot. The magic has been set free, scattered to the winds, which means Daolon Wong will try to find them. :'''Jade''': You mean Jackie just started the Talisman Hunt all over again? Cool! :'''Jackie''': Bu- But where did the magic go? :'''Uncle''': With no vessels to contain them, the powers will return to their owners; the twelve animals of the Chinese Zodiac. :'''Jade''': Hello? The Chinese Zodiac is way ancient. Those animals are history! :'''Uncle''': As such, the Talisman magic will be drawn to noble animals, those most worthy of their regal ancestors; twelve living creatures, each about to receive an extraordinary gift. :'''Jackie''': '''''WHAT HAVE I DONE?!''''' <hr width=50%/> :'''Valmont''': Well? :'''Ratso''': Uhhh... :'''Chow''': That thing about making us partners? Don't worry about it. :'''Valmont''': If I were employing you, I would fire you! :'''Daolon Wong''': ''[steps from behind a corner]'' You three! I require your assistance. :'''Finn''': ...So what's the gig pay? :''[Daolon Wong chants an incantation which transforms Finn, Ratso, and Chow into Dark Chi Warriors]'' :'''Daolon Wong''': Gan, Ren, Chui! :'''Dark Ratso''': You're orange! :'''Dark Chow''': You're bald! :'''Dark Finn''': Freaky... :'''Daolon Wong''': Bow before me, Dark Chi warriors. :'''Dark Finn''': Finn don't bow to no- ''[Daolon forces them to bow using Chi magic]'' :'''Daolon Wong''': You are no longer mortal men, but powerful servants enslaved to do my bidding. :'''Valmont''': Now see here! Finn, Ratso, and Chow are ''my'' servants, and I will thank you not to- ''[Daolon Wong traps Valmont in the ground up to his neck]'' AH! Hey! :'''Daolon Wong''': ''[detects a Talisman power]'' Ah, it would seem good fortune is mine, for one of the Talisman powers remains near. Come my warriors. ''[transports himself away]'' :'''Dark Ratso''': Where'd he go? ''[the Dark Enforcers are transported away, leaving Valmont behind]'' :'''Valmont''': Wait! You can't just leave me here! Release me at once! <hr width=50%/> :'''Daolon Wong''': ''[at a dog show]'' Which is the beast that I seek? If I destroy all of them, one would remain standing; the one which holds the power of immortality! <hr width=50%/> :'''Uncle''': Quickly! You must take the dog where Daolon's magic cannot reach! :'''Jackie''': ''[looking at all the dogs around him]'' But ''which'' dog, Uncle? :'''Uncle''': Were you not listening?! The ''most noble'' one! <hr width=50%/> :''[when the Dark Enforcers realize they can call for their weapons with Chi magic]'' :'''Dark Chow''': Remote control? :'''Dark Finn''': Rock and roll! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jade''': Hey, Jackie. :'''Jackie''': Jade, you should be asleep. :'''Jade''': So should you. And I know just the thing to help you on one. First we strap on rollerblades instead of trash goal points, then we slip through the talismans out of the vault... :'''Jackie''': Just because I can sleep, doesn't mean you don't have to. :'''Jade''': Awww..... ===Viva Las Jackies [3.3]=== :'''Jade''': Are we there yet? :'''Jackie''': Patience Jade. We will not know where "there" is, until Uncle's locator spell leads us to the animal we seek. :'''Uncle''': ''[sitting in the back of the car, producing a Chi spell]'' The tiger who has inherited the Talisman power of Yin and Yang. :'''Jade''': Well make it hurry, because it reeks something fierce in here! :'''Jackie''': Are you sure the spell is accurate, Uncle? Nevada is not exactly known as tiger country. :'''Uncle''': ''Never'' mock the sock. It is our only chance of finding the tiger before the forces of darkness do. :'''Jade''': Well betcha Daolon Wong doesn't have to spend all day cooped up in a smelly car. <hr width=50%/> :''[in a car, with Daolon Wong producing a Chi spell while the Dark Enforcers drive]'' :'''Dark Ratso''': Pee-ew! Are we there yet?! :'''Dark Finn''': So, Big-D, really appreciate you turning us into superpowered Dark Chi dudes and all, but we gotta talk image. I'm not digging the whole orange vibe, and hey, these outfits kinda scream "boy band". :'''Dark Ratso''': Nah, we look like KISS! :'''Dark Chow''': We look like circus freaks. <hr width=50%/> :'''Uncle''': ''[on phone]'' Room service? Yes, please send up one bottle of eel saliva, three jars of powdered duck feet, and a pair of moose antlers. <hr width=50%/> :''[after Jade interferes with the Tiger's Yin and Yang power, which was separating Jackie]'' :'''Jade''': Jackie, are you okay? :''[reveals Jackie's separation was not complete, resulting in Jackie having two heads]'' :'''Jackie-Dark''': Argh... yeah. :'''Jackie-Light''': Thank you for asking. :'''Jade''': Bwah! :'''Jackie Light/Dark''': What? ''[they notice each other]'' Ah! :'''Jackie-Dark''': Hey, I have a zit! Get off of my body, or I'll pop you! ''[tries pushing his light side off]'' :'''Jackie-Light''': I do not wish to argue, but this is my body too! <hr width=50%/> :'''Dark Chow''': ''[upon seeing a two-headed Jackie]'' And I thought ''we'' were freaky. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jackie-Light''': I do not see the tiger. Maybe we should split up. :''[long pause]'' :'''Jackie-Dark''': So I got all the brains... <hr width=50%/> :'''Dark Finn''': Yo, D-Man. [[w:Star Trek (franchise)|Beam us up]]. <hr width=50%/> :''[Uncle's phone rings]'' :'''Uncle''': Room service? I have been waiting for- :'''Jackie-Light''': Uncle, thank goodness you're- :'''Uncle''': Jackie! How can you leave Uncle at a shabby hotel with no eel saliva?! :'''Jackie-Dark''': Pull your tongue out of your mouth and wring out the spit! :'''Uncle''': ''[gasp]'' You call Uncle an eel?! :'''Jackie-Light''': Uncle, I'm sorry! :'''Jackie-Dark''': No I'm not. :'''Jackie-Light''': Yes I am. :'''Jackie-Dark''': No I'm not. :'''Jackie-Light''': Yes I am. :'''Uncle''': Jackie, why do you babble like a crazy person?! :'''Jackie-Light/Dark''': Because I have two heads! ===Aztec Rat Race [3.4]=== :'''Jade''': ''[coming upon a field of cactus]'' Whoa, acupuncture city. :'''Jackie''': Real acupuncture is a good thing, Jade. It stimulates the energy channels, and rids the body of- ''[the Dark Enforcers suddenly appear]'' :'''Dark Finn''': Hola, Señor Chan. :'''Jackie''': Bad Chi... <hr width=50%/> :''[after [[w:Quetzalcoatl|Quetzalcoatl]] shoots a fire attack at El Toro]'' :'''Paco''': The statue can shoot fire from his hands? :'''Jade''': God of the sun, duh! <hr width=50%/> :''[while Daolon Wong expresses frustration with the Dark Enforcers failures]'' :'''Dark Finn''': Chan had a masked crime fighter with him, your worship! :'''Dark Chow''': The sun was in our eyes! :'''Dark Ratso''': We need bigger weapons! :'''Daolon Wong''': Excuses, excuses! I see that if I wish this task accomplished, I must do it myself! :'''Dark Finn''': That's cool. We'll wait here, rest up, order some Chi pizza... <hr width=50%/> :'''Jackie''': Uh, perhaps Quetzalcoatl would not be so angry if you prove to him you are not... you know. ''[pointing to the mask]'' :'''El Toro''': El Toro Fuerte never removes his mask! :'''Quetzalcoatl''': Unhand the princess, or face my wrath! :'''Jade''': Uh, maybe you should make an exception. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Quetzalcoatl flies after them]'' :'''Paco''': The statue can fly too?! :'''Jade''': God of the sky, duh! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jackie''': ''[on phone]'' Uncle? Now is not a good time! :'''Uncle''': What is more important than talking to Uncle? :'''Jackie''': I am in a speeding mining cart fleeing a reanimated Mayan statue trying to seize Jade so he can fly her into the sun! :'''Uncle''': Why did you not say so? It seems you have found the rat. <hr width=50%/> :''[after Quetzalcoatl traps them in a cage of vines]'' :'''Paco''': The statue can grow unbreakable vines? :'''Jade''': God of- :'''Paco''': I know, agriculture. Duh! <hr width=50/%> :'''Quetzalcoatl''': ''[about the rat]'' Such power within this small creature. ''[to Jackie and the others]'' And such courage within you. With heroes such as you protecting the land from the forces of darkness. I am content to return to my proper place ''[Quetzalcoatl touches the rat and begins to revert to a statue]'' Quetzalcoatl bids you farewell. ===Monkey a Go-Go [3.5]=== :'''Daolon Wong''': You are in my soup! :'''Uncle''': Our locator spells have intersected. :'''Daolon Wong''': I will seize control of the chi waves, novice. My power is far greater... :'''Uncle''': Eeee-Ya! ''[Casts a Chi spell which results in a repetitive feedback image] :'''Uncle''': One more thing.'' [blows raspberry]'' One more thing. ''[blows raspberry]'' One more thing... <hr width=50%/> :'''Jackie''': Monkey Talisman ''and'' Monkey King? :'''Jade''': Coinkidink? :'''Uncle''': Forget Monkey King. We must catch Monkey ''Magic'' before Daolon Wong does. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jackie''': And you went through all the trouble to see us... why? :'''Monkey King''': Let's see, maybe... oh a little something I like to call REVENGE!!! <hr width=50%/> :'''Monkey King''': ''[lowering the Shapeshifting Monkey into the [[w:Mt. Kilauea|Kilauea]] volcano]'' Uh oh, my simian senses are tingling! :'''Jade''': We want our monkey, ''monkey!'' :'''Monkey King''': Oh, it's all about ''him'' isn't it?! You think he's funnier than me, don't you?! :'''Jackie''': Uh, of course not! Everyone knows that the Money King is the funniest ape of all. :'''Uncle''': I do not think he's so funny- ''[elbowed by Jade]'' :'''Money King''': Well you'll ''really'' love my ''weird'' sense of humor when you and monkey-boy are swimming in lava, 'cause I'm gonna make Kilauea blow sky-high! :'''Uncle''': The Monkey King cannot activate volcanoes! :'''Monkey King''': Just watch me, gramps! I know a family recipe! ''[begins tossing ingredients into the lava pit]'' Magic monkey syrup, pure cane sugar, one carton of aged goat milk- EEGH! ''[Daolon Wong appears behind the Monkey King]'' An untuned Hawaiian guitar, a fine tuned tuning fork, a tuna on rye, hold the mayo- :'''Daolon Wong''': ''[grabs the Monkey King]'' Talisman power, be mine! :'''Monkey King''': Paws off the fur, Shakespeare! I'm busy here! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jade''': Never thought I'd be rooting for Daolon Wong over anybody. ''[they start to run, only to be trapped by Daolon Wong]'' On second thought, go Monkey King. :'''Daolon Wong''': Monkey King? <hr width=50%/> :'''Daolon Wong''': Ahh, I should have recognized the antics of the famed prankster puppet made flesh. :'''Monkey King''' And I've got a payback gig with an exploding volcano finale, that you're messing up! :'''Daolon Wong''': So, why do I see no lava? :'''Monkey King''': Huh? ''[goes over his ingredients list again; gasp]'' I'm still three pounds of wood short of a gusher! :'''Daolon Wong''': Then for your lousy spell-making, you shall return to wood! ''[casts a Chi spell on the Monkey King]'' :'''Monkey King''': ''[turning into a puppet]'' EVERYONE'S A CRITIC!!! <hr width=50%/> :'''Uncle''': ''[after the "lava" engulfs them, only revealed to be cherry gelatin]'' Cha is not so hot. ===When Pigs Fly [3.6]=== :'''Farmer MacDonald''': Now what's a city feller like you want with a 280 pound Hampshire Boar? :'''Jackie''': Uh, good question, Farmer MacDonald. Well, I am an archaeologist and- :'''Farmer MacDonald''': You mean like a eye doctor? :'''Jackie''': Uh, no. That is an optometrist. Archeologists study very old things. :'''Farmer MacDonald''': Old? Mordecai ain't turned three yet! <hr width=50%/> :''[when the Farm Hands attack Jackie]'' :'''Jackie''': Please, can't we just talk about- ''[attacked]'' :'''Jade''': Maybe they don't know how to talk. :'''Buford MacDonald''': My brother E.B. here graduated Stanford Phi Beta Kappy. :'''E.B. MacDonald''': And Buford here is a renowned nuclear physicist. ''[throws Jackie against a wall]'' :'''Jackie''': Dr. Buford MacDonald??? Your books are very insightful. :'''Buford MacDonald''': Thank ye. ''[punches Jackie]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Farmer MacDonald''': ''[as Jackie fights Daolon Wong]'' What in Sam Hill's nanny is going on here?! :'''Jackie''': The animals have magic powers, and dark forces have come to claim them. :''[pause]'' :'''Farmer MacDonald''': Magic? Well why didn't you just say so in the first place? <hr width=50%/> :''[as the Rooster uses its powers to lift MacDonald's entire house]'' :'''E.B. MacDonald''': They're defying the known laws of physics! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jade''': Jackie, [[w:The Wizard of Oz (1939 Film)|I don't think we're in Kansas anymore]]! :'''Jackie''': Jade, bring the pig this wa- ''[runs out the door, only to nearly fall out of the flying house]'' WAH! The house is flying?! :'''Jade''': Hello? Did you not catch my Wizard of Oz reference? :'''Dark Finn''': There's no place like home... to kick your butt! ===The Invisible Mom [3.7]=== :'''Jade''': Whoa. Now I see why they call this place bizarre. :'''Jackie''': Jade, it is a ''bazaar''. :'''Jade''': Anywhere grown men playing with baby toys is bizarre in my book. :'''Uncle''': Uncle is not playing. This rattle's filled with enchanted teeth of mongoose which will lead us to the snake which possesses the power of invisibility. <hr width=50%/> :''[Jackie lifts a basket which reveals an angered Cobra]'' :'''Uncle''': Do not even breathe. Cobras are ''very'' poisonous. :'''Jackie''': ''[frozen in fear]'' I know... <hr width=50%/> :'''Uncle''': Tohru, you did not tell Uncle you invited Spider-Woman! ''[Jackie, succumbing to the snake venom, groggily falls into Uncle's arms]'' See? Even Jackie moans with displeasure at her arrival. :'''Jade''': Uh, Jackie? Are you alright? Jackie? ''[holds up fingers]'' How many fingers do you see? :'''Jackie''': Uhhh... what's a Jackie? :'''Uncle''': ''[gasp]'' Jackie has been bitten by snake! <hr width=50%/> :'''Mama Tohru''': These strange men, they appeared out of thin air! :'''Jade''': They used to be men, now they're card-carrying members of the Forces of Darkness. :'''Uncle''': Stop them Tohru! ''[Tohru growls, ready to fight, only to be held back by his mother]'' :'''Mama Tohru''': My baby will NOT fight Forces of Darkness! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jade''': Uh, maybe we should get Jackie to a doctor. :'''Uncle''': We must find snake before Dark Forces do, then Uncle will cure Jackie. :'''Mama Tohru''': Ah, do not worry, I once television program about cobra poisoning. Jackie only at stage one: very slight dryness of mouth. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jackie''': ''[affixing cloth to his forehead]'' Y'arrr matey! :'''Jade''': Stage two? :'''Mama Tohru''': Stark-raving madness. :'''Jackie''': Yo-ho-ho! ''[begins dancing]'' :'''Mama Tohru''': Luckily stage two very brief. <hr width=50%/> :'''Tohru''': Mother means well, but sometimes I think she forgets that I am a grown man. :'''Jade''': Uh, ''very'' grown. When she gets in your face, tell her to give you some space. :'''Tohru''': She would just take it the wrong way. ''[sigh]'' I love her, but sometimes I wish mother would just disappear. :'''Mama Tohru''': ''[eavesdropping while invisible]'' Oh? Be careful what you wish for, Tohru. <hr width=50%/> :'''Dark Chow''': ''[holding the imposter snake]'' I know three Dark Warriors who are finally about to make Daolon Wong a happy wizard. :'''Dark Finn''': Let's not be hasty. This snake can make us invisible. :'''Dark Ratso''': We can sneak into any movie we want for free! :'''Dark Finn''': ''[clears throat]'' If old crazy eyes can't see us, we can sneak up and stomp the Chi out of him. :'''Dark Chow''': And force him to turn us back into our normal old selves! :'''Dark Ratso''': Yeah! ''[they grab the snake]'' :'''Dark Finn''': Talisman power, on! :''[nothing happens]'' :'''Dark Ratso''': Hey, I can still see you guys. :'''Dark Finn''': Uh, 'cause we're ''all'' invisible? :'''Dark Chow''': Ohhhhh... :'''Dark Ratso''': I was never any good at science. <hr width=50%/> :'''Tohru''' ''Nobody'' touches my mommy! ===Sheep In, Sheep Out [3.8]=== :'''Jade''': Bah bah black sheep, have you any magic? <hr width=50%/> :'''Dark Finn''': Big-D! :'''Dark Ratso''': Hiya! :'''Dark Chow''': We're pumped for round two! :'''Daolon Wong''': I have no further use for those who allow themselves to be waylaid by unconscious livestock! :'''Dark Ratso''': Sooo... we're free to go? <hr width=50%/> :''[in a shepherd's dream]'' :'''Bob (Astral Sheep)''': Tasty grub you're serving here laddie, though it's not as filling as the real McCoy. Say, what's this I hear about shaving me in winter? <hr width=50%/> :'''Jackie''': ''[surrounded by Shadowkhan]'' Uh, you wouldn't hit a guy wearing glasses, would you? <hr width=50%/> :''[surrounded by dream Shadowkhan]'' :'''Bob''': Might I request bagpipes be played at our dream funeral, lassie? :'''Jade''': ''[gets an idea]'' Oh no! The [[w:Loch Ness Monster|Loch Ness Monster]]! :''[a purple monster suddenly appears and defeats the Shadowkhan]'' :'''Bob''': Didn't think that thing existed. <hr width=50%/> :'''Uncle''': ''[finding Jackie and Jade's unconscious bodies]'' Jackie! No sleeping! ''[cuffs Jackie to no response]'' No "oww"? :'''Jackie (Astral)''': Uncle! We're right here! :'''Jade (Astral)''': Hello? He can't see or hear you! :'''Jackie (Astral)''': Then how will he know where we are? :'''Uncle''': ''[gasp]'' Daolon Wong now possesses the power of Astral Projection which he has inflicted upon Jackie and Jade and then applied a finishing spell so that they cannot return to their bodies! :'''Jade (Astral)''': ... And you doubted him. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jade (in Jackie's Body)''': Uncle you rock! Now let's find Daolon Wong and kick some shriveled- AHH! ''[noticing her body]'' Why are there two of me? :'''Jackie (in Jade's Body)''': Why is your voice coming out of my body?! :''[both scream in shock]'' :'''Uncle''': I told you Spell complicated... <hr width=50%/> :'''Jackie (in Jade's Body)''': ''[coming to a dead end]'' There is only one way inside. ''[tries to wall-jump up to a window, but his short stature holds him back]'' Eh, I forgot who I wasn't... :'''Jade (in Jackie's Body)''': Trying to do ''this'', Jackie? ''[wall jumps up to the window with ease]'' Cool, huh? :'''Uncle''': Jade is better at being you than ''you'', Jackie. <hr width=50%/> :''[surrounded by Shadowkhan]'' :'''Jackie (in Jade's Body)''': Stay back, Jade! :'''Jade (in Jackie's Body)''': Yes, ''Jade''. Maybe you ''should'' stay back. :'''Jackie (in Jade's Body)''': Uh... okay. But I am giving you permission to defend us this one time only. :'''Jade (in Jackie's Body)''': I'm gonna do you proud! ===Rabbit Run [3.9]=== :'''Jade''': Hey, sorry I goofed on you back there, Chip. :'''Chip''': Whatever. It's tough enough getting Coach to take me seriously. I don't need your help in that department. :'''Jade''': Tch. Listen Chip, if there's one rule Jade Chan lives by, it's this: If coach won't give you a shot, you have to put yourself in the game. :'''Chip''': You're just a little girl. What do you know about football? :'''Jade''': Let's just say my coach doesn't always put me in the game, but I know you can't make the big plays from the sidelines. <hr width=50%/> :'''Uncle''': Jackie! You are terrible rabbit catcher! <hr width=50%/> :'''Chip''': Sir, you are in possession of Warren Oates Memorial High Football Team property! ''[Daolon Wong hisses at Chip]'' What school are you from? :'''Jackie''': ''[speeding by on rollerblades; takes the rabbit]'' I will not bring it back later, thank you! :'''Chip''': How many schools are trying to nab him? <hr width=50%/> :''[at a High School football game]'' :'''Daolon Wong''': Gan, Ren, Chui! ''[summons the Dark Enforcers]'' :'''Dark Chow''': Hey football! :'''Dark Finn''': Bonding time, eh Big-D? :'''Dark Ratso''': ''[hugging Daolon]'' We knew you were one of us! <hr width=50%/> :''[leading the Cheerleaders in a new chant]'' :'''Jade''': Give me a Di! :'''Cheerleaders''': Di! :'''Jade''': Give me a Zao! :'''Cheerleaders''': Zao! :'''Jade''': Put that together, and what do you have? :'''Cheerleaders''': ''[dancing]'' Yu mo gui gwai fai di zao! Yu mo gui gwai fai di zao! :''[the cheering gives Uncle a magic boost, helping him overcome Daolon Wong's magic]'' :'''Uncle''': Go Jackalopes! ===A Jolly J-Team Xmas [3.10]=== :'''Santa Claus''': Oh my. <hr width=50%/> :'''Santa Claus''': If you come for a gift, well I'm afraid you've just made the naughty list. :'''Daolon Wong''': Your Chi is the only gift I require. <hr width=50%/> :'''Uncle''': Thank you! Merry Christmas! Bye bye! ''[chuckles]'' :'''Jade''': Are you sure Uncle isn't running a fever? :'''Jackie''': Jade, Uncle loves Christmas. It is when sales are best. ''[Uncle cuffs him]'' Oww! :'''Uncle''': Commercialism not important! Christmas spirit ''is.'' ''[puts Santa Hat on Jackie's head]'' :'''Tohru''': ''[walks in with a tray of cookies]'' Ahh, Mother's recipe. :'''Uncle''': ''[obviously lying]'' Yes. And.. we will be so... happy to see her for the holidays, Tohru. :'''Jade''': ''Weird.'' :'''Tohru''': We must leave some out for ''you know who.'' :'''Jackie''': Who? ''[Tohru grows worried when they see Jade standing behind them]'' Oh! I mean uh, I am sure Santa will be very hungry tonight. ''[Tohru chuckles]'' :'''Jade''': Tch. Nice try. But I'm old enough to know the low down on the Kris Kringle scam. :'''Tohru''': Jade, you do not believe in Santa Claus? :'''Jade''': Sure I do. Just like I believe the Tooth Fairy, right Jackie? :''[flashback; Jackie tries to place a dollar under Jade's pillow only to be caught by her] :'''Jade''': Gotcha! :''[back to the present]'' :'''Jackie''': I told you the Tooth Fairy was sick and I was filling in. :'''Uncle''': Tooth fairy does not exist. :'''Jade''': Ha! See? :'''Uncle''': But Santa Claus does. :'''Jade:''' Huh? :'''Uncle:''' I have research to prove it. <hr width=50%/> :''[doorbell rings]'' :'''Tohru''': ''[answers the door excited]'' Mommy! ''[hugs and kisses the occupant at the door, only to realize it's actually Captain Black]'' Captain Black?! I am sorry. ''[puts him down]'' :'''Captain Black''': That's alright, Tohru. I'm often mistaken for elderly Japanese women. <hr width=50%/> :'''Tohru''': What would Daolon Wong want with Santa? :'''Jackie''': Uh, revenge for years of coal? <hr width=50%/> :'''Viper''': You brought an elf to a Hanukkah party? <hr width=50%/> :'''Santa Claus''': Strange friend, your desire for cheese will not prevail against good. :'''Daolon Wong''': ''CHI, not cheese!!!'' ''[fires a blast of Dark Chi magic]'' :'''Santa Claus''': Oh my. <hr width=50%/> :'''Daolon Wong''': Bah, humbug! ===Little Valmont, Big Jade [3.11]=== :'''Valmont''': Me, Valmont, mastermind of the Dark Hand, fleeing authorities like a common- ''[bumps into Daolon Wong, causing him to drop his belongings]'' :'''Daolon & Valmont''': You! :'''Daolon Wong''': The supplies for my locator spell! You shall suffer for what you have done! :'''Valmont''': What ''I'' have done? You transformed my enforcers into samurai zombies! I've been reduced to performing my own dirty work! ''[grabs Daolon Wong]'' Return Finn, Ratso, and Chow to me at once! :'''Daolon Wong''': Ha! Why would Daolon Wong heed the demands of an insignificant pickpocket? :'''Valmont''': B- Because I'm bigger than you! :'''Daolon Wong''': Oh? ''[blasts Valmont with Dark Chi magic, transforming him into a child]'' Not anymore. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jade''': The whole time I've been in America, I haven't grown one inch. I'll never grow up, Jackie. :'''Jackie''': Patience, Jade. Enjoy your childhood while it lasts. :'''Jade''': Tch. I have a billion years of school left. I can't reach anything in the freezer and I never get invited on your missions. Way enjoyable. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jackie''': While Uncle and I search for the horse, you two will wait here and stay out of trouble. :'''Jade''': Awww... :'''Young Valmont''': Now see here, just because I look like a child doesn't mean you can treat me like one! :'''Jackie''': I am treating you like a criminal. ''Tohru'' will treat you like a child. :'''Tohru''': Now... ''[pops knuckles]'' Are you going to be a ''good'' little boy? <hr width=50%/> :'''Taxi Driver''': Where to, little man? :'''Young Valmont''': Kempton Race Course, and if you call me that again, I will have you eliminated. <hr width=50%/> :'''Daolon Wong''': Gan, Ren, Chui! :''[summons the Dark Enforcers]'' :'''Dark Finn''' I'm Finn, he's Ratso, that's Chow. Would it kill you to learn our names? :'''Daolon Wong''': The horse! :''[the Dark Enforcers seize Young Valmont from the horse]'' :'''Dark Finn''': Okay stretchy, get off your high horse. :'''Young Valmont''': Unhand me, you buffoons! :'''Dark Chow''': Whoa! :'''Dark Finn''': It's Big-V! :'''Dark Ratso''': And he's mini! :'''Young Valmont''': Indeed. I attempted to liberate you three, and that rancid prune of a wizard burdened me with this juvenile curse! :'''Dark Finn''': Whoa, you tried to rescue us? :'''Dark Ratso''': Awww. :'''Dark Chow''': We didn't know you cared! <hr width=50%/> :'''Uncle''': Jackie, stop horsing around! <hr width=50%/> :''[attacking Giant Jade]'' :'''Dark Finn''': You're going down, Queen Kong! :'''Dark Ratso''': The bigger they are, the harder they- ''[Giant Jade immediately defeats them by stepping on them]'' :'''Young Valmont''': They ''didn't'' see that coming?! Honestly, why did I ever want them back?! <hr width=50%/> :'''Giant Jade''': Just call me Jade-zilla! ===The Ox-Head Incident [3.12]=== :'''Uncle''': We must bring the ox to the sanctuary of the Ben-Shui Temple before the forces of Dark Chi descend upon us. :'''Dark Finn''': ''[suddenly appear]'' Consider yourselves descended upon, Gramps. :'''Dark Chow''': ''[as they corner all but Jade against a cliff]'' You know how much we care about you guys, but Daolon Wong been riding us to get rid of you once and for all. :'''Dark Ratso''': We're sure gonna miss you. :'''Dark Finn''': Say "goodbye", Chan. :''[the Dark Enforcers are suddenly crushed by a falling boulder that Jade sets free]'' :'''Jackie''': Uhhh... Goodbye Chan? <hr width=50%/> :'''Hak Foo''': I understand you have been seeking the powers of the Talismans, witch doctor. Allow me to suggest you end your quest for the Ox, as it is a power ''I'' intend to obtain! ''[is immediately immobilized by Daolon Wong]'' :'''Daolon Wong''': Then obtain it, dear warrior... ''for me!'' ''[transforms him into a Dark Chi warrior]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Dark Hak Foo''': ''[jumping incredibly high]'' Phoenix flies to moon! :'''Jackie''': Huh? :'''Dark Hak Foo''': ''[speeding back in a dazzling fireball]'' Meteor brings mass extinction! <hr width=50%/> :'''Dark Hak Foo''': Tornado decimates trailer park! <hr width=50%/> :'''Tohru''': ''[holding a very large boulder]'' Hak Foo! This is where you go poof. :''[hurls the boulder at Hak Foo, who doesn't move; the boulder hits him, only to shatter, not even phasing Hak Foo]'' :'''Dark Hak Foo''': ''I'' do not ''poof.'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Uncle's Spirit Head''': ''[in a magic orb]'' So, you want a piece of Uncle? I will just require my other pieces first. :'''Daolon Wong''': If you ever want to see your pieces again, surrender the location of the ox power! :'''Uncle's Spirit Head''': Very well. You may find what you are looking for in a secret case, very close to- ''[blows raspberry]'' :'''Daolong Wong''': Fool! The Orb of Q'uan Lo will reveal your secrets, exposing those thoughts you hold most dear! ''[a sandwich appears in the orb]'' Mung bean sandwich??? :'''Uncle's Spirit Head''': Uncle is hungry. :'''Daolon Wong''': I shall peel back the layers! ''[another image appears in the orb of Uncle spanking Daolon Wong while he cries]'' What is this? :'''Uncle's Spirit Head''': Your destiny, evil one. <hr width=50%/> :'''Uncle''': I will transfer the power back into the Ox with Tohru's help. My apprentice will make a fine wizard someday! <hr width=50%/> :'''Tohru''': '' Jade, please keep the birds off your uncle. :'''Jade''': '' Awww... ===Animal Crackers [3.13]=== :'''Dark Hak Foo''': Pterodactyl snatches ox! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jackie''': You can finish introductions later, Jade. It's almost time for school. :'''Jade''': ''[gasp]'' School?! :'''Jackie''': All good things must come to an end, even Spring Break. <hr width=50%/> :'''Daolon Wong''': My enemies possess nine Talisman powers, and I only possess two?! ''[seemingly points to Hak Foo]'' I have you to thank for that! :'''Dark Ratso''': Hak Foo! :'''Dark Finn''': Sheesh! :'''Dark Chow''': Get with the program, will ya? :'''Daolon Wong''': I meant ''all'' of you! <hr width=50%/> :'''Drew''': ''[seeing Jade's exhibit of the Talisman animals]'' No way! A petting zoo? :'''Jade''': Look. Don't touch. :'''Drew''': Where did you get all these?! :'''Jade''': These, Drew, just happen to be the animals I- ''[catches herself]'' borrowed from my cousin. The zookeeper. :'''Drew''': ''[suspiciously]'' Hey... These are the ''magic'' animals aren't they?! :'''Jade''': No! I mean- ''[chuckles]'' You got me Drew, I was making all that magic stuff up the whole time. Me and my imagination. ===Tohru Who? [3.14]=== :'''Valmont''': Rise and shine, Tohru. :'''Tohru''': ''[waking up]'' Where am I? ''Who'' am I? :'''Valmont''': You are Tohru, my most loyal henchman. <hr width=50%/> :'''Valmont''': I am Valmont. Don't you remember me? :'''Tohru''': I remember nothing. :'''Valmont''': ''[to himself]'' Jolly good potion. ''[to Tohru]'' It would seem you are the victim of amnesia. Allow me to fill in some blanks. I am the leader of the Dark Hand, a premiere crime syndicate, and you work for me. :'''Tohru''': ''[looking around at Valmont's rundown apartment]'' "Premiere crime syndicate"? :'''Valmont''': Um, a temporary setback, I assure you. But it was only yesterday that you and I were at the top of our game! ''[shows him a photo album of him during his Dark Hand days]'' See? You made the FBI's Most Wanted, three years running. :'''Tohru''': Oh, so it is true... But how? :'''Valmont''': Our nemesis must have throttled you famously for your entire memory to just up and vanish. :'''Tohru''': Nemesis? :'''Valmont''': ''[flips a page]'' Jackie Chan. :'''Tohru''': Chan will pay! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jackie''': ''[finding Tohru stretching in a temple]'' Tohru! :'''Uncle''': ''[relieved]'' He is safe. :'''Jade''': What's he doing? :'''Uncle''': It would seem my apprentice seeks inner peace, so I will ''give'' him piece... OF UNCLE for making us worry ourselves sick! <hr width=50%/> :'''Valmont''': Many thanks for your help, Chan. A shame Tohru must render you senseless so we may get on with our crime unhindered. Tohru, if you please? :'''Tohru''': No. :'''Valmont''': What do you mean, no?! :'''Tohru''': You were not so loyal to your loyal henchman. :'''Valmont''': Well, I- I was simply hoping to duck away and find a large mallet with which to assist. :'''Tohru''': Something inside tells me that Jackie is my friend. :'''Valmont''': And something inside tells me that you are forgetting who is boss! ===Re-Enter the Dragon [3.15]=== :'''Daolon Wong''': Your answer, most malevolent of fire-breathers? :'''Shendu (Spirit)''': It would seem you have summoned me merely to humor me, wizard. For to obtain the power of combustion, you would require a living ''earth-bound'' dragon... which I am not. :'''Daolon Wong''': You underestimate my talents, Lord Shendu. As the most malevolent of Dark Chi masters, I know a multitude of ancient spells, some of which might restore you. :'''Shendu (Spirit)''': Ahhhh, then you may have my rightful power, Daolon Wong, if you find a spell that will allow me to live again. <hr width=50%/> :'''Dark Ratso''': Hey, backyard barbecue! :'''Dark Chow''': What are we grilling? :'''Dark Hak Foo''': JACKIE CHAN! :'''Dark Finn''': Let's tenderize him! <hr width=50%/> :'''Dark Hak Foo''': ''[fighting Tohru]'' Hurricane kick! Earthquake fist! Asteroid belt! ''[kicks Tohru near the lava pool and lunges at him]'' Meteor pummels mountain!!! :''[Tohru simply steps aside, and Hak Foo lands in the lava pool]'' :'''Tohru''': Hot bath. <hr width=50%/> :'''Shendu''': It is great to be back. :'''Dark Finn''': Yo... Shen-dude! :'''Dark Chow''': Uh, long time, no... breathe. :'''Dark Ratso''': Yeah, happy... rebirthday. <hr width=50%/> :''[as the power of combustion is revealed]'' :'''Daolon Wong''': Yes! My prize approaches! The power of combustion... :''[Shendu knocks him aside]'' :'''Shendu''': BELONGS TO ''ME''! ''[absorbs the Talisman Power]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Shendu''': Ahhhh, feel the burn! ''[wipes out the Dark Enforcers]'' :'''Daolon Wong''': But brother of darkness, we had an arrangement! :'''Shendu''': I may be a noble Dragon, but I am also a demon sorcerer, and not known for keeping promises. :'''Daolon Wong''': I still possess two Talisman Powers with which to destroy you! ''[fires his heat beam eyes at Shendu, only to have Shendu immediately absorb his powers]'' :'''Shendu''': Levitation! Heat beam eyes! What thoughtful birthday presents. <hr width=50%/> :''[after the Enforcers are transformed back into their human selves]'' :'''Hak Foo''': We are weak! :'''Ratso''': We're human! :'''Chow''': We're free! :'''Finn''': Nuh-uh... ''[seeing Captain Black with handcuffs]'' Busted. <hr width=50%/> :'''Captain Black''': Mr. Wong, you're under arrest. ===A Night at the Opera [3.16]=== :''[as Jade plays a video game in her seat]'' :'''Uncle''': Jade, pay attention. :''[Jade groans as Uncle takes away her game, then Uncle notices Jackie working]'' :'''Jackie''': Uh, I am multi-tasking. :'''Uncle''': ''[Uncle takes away his notepad]'' Now you are ''one''-tasking! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jade''': ''[to Jackie and Tohru]'' So you think Uncle's old friend calls him "Uncle" too? :'''Wing''': ''[to Uncle]'' Chuckles, is that you? <hr width=50%/> :'''Wing''': I will always wish the opera had kept you, my friend. :'''Uncle''': That is my cue to say goodbye. ''[Uncle starts to leave, then stops and turns around]'' One more thing, I hope it will not be another 60 years before we meet again, Beetlebrow. :'''Wing''': As do I, Chuckles. ===Attack of the J-Clones [3.17]=== :'''Tohru''': Not the stairs! <hr width=50%/> :'''Uncle''': Chang has two hands, because ''that'' is not really Chang. It is his magical duplicate! :'''Captain Black''': You mean, we're dealing with ''clones''?! :'''Uncle''': Ai-yah! Who said anything about clowns?! We are facing forces more powerful than the circus! <hr width=50%/> :'''Uncle''': Duplicates are imperfect. They contain flaws, like Chang's extra hand, but each is more powerful than its human counterpart due to its magic. :'''Jade''': Aww, we can take them Unc. We'll face off in the epic battle royale! Human vs clone, good vs evil, Jade vs Jade! :'''Uncle''': You missed Uncle's point! Magic must defeat magic! :''["Jackie" enters the room]'' :'''Viper''': Look who decided to show. :'''Jackie (Clone)''': Sorry I am late. :'''Uncle''': Now, one more thing. We must be very watchful for these defective duplicates. :''[Jackie enters the room in a rush]'' :'''Jackie''': Uncle, we must watch out for- :'''Tohru''': It is Jackie's Clone! :'''Jackie''': What?! ''[sees his clone]'' No! Wait! ''[is tackled by the J-Team]'' I am me! ''He'' is not me!!! :'''Jackie (Clone)''': Tricky clone, isn't he? :'''El Toro''': Which is the real Jackie Chan? :'''Captain Black''': I have a little quiz only the real Jackie could answer. Jackie, when is my birthday? :'''Jackie & Jackie (Clone)''': Oh... uhhhh... :'''Captain Black''': ''[bummed out]'' Jackie, I thought we were pretty good friends... :'''Jade''': Ahem. Hey Jackie, will you take me to Moose World this weekend? :'''Jackie (Clone)''': Of course! :'''Jackie''': -not! You have homework! :'''Jade''': ''[points to the clone]'' There's your clone. :''[pause; Jackie's clone kicks the door down and runs off]'' :'''Jackie (Clone)''': Sorry, I'll be back to destroy you later, thank you! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jade''': ''[when Paco's clone is revealed]'' Paco has a clone and I don't?! Way unfair! :'''Uncle''': We are in great danger! :'''El Toro''': Paco, please! Say it is not so! :'''Paco (Clone)''': But it is! And now, I will destroy you all. ''MWAHAHAHA!'' ==Season 4 (The Oni Masks)== ===The Masks of the Shadowkhan [4.1]=== :'''Jade''': ''Dullsville''. :'''Jackie''': No, the capital of [[w:Georgia (U.S. state)|Georgia]] is [[w:Atlanta|Atlanta]]. Jade, you're geography test is tomorrow. Let's try Oregon. :'''Jade:''' Why does Tohru get to study the fun stuff?! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jade:''' My tattoo just have to be gnarrled. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jade:''' Yes! (Jackie catches her) :'''Jackie:''' 50 states, 50 capitals. :'''Jade:''' (Groaning) <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jade:''' Hi, Jackie. :'''Jackie:''' Waahh! :'''Jade:''' Before you get mad, listen. The capital of Kansas is Kansas city. :'''Jackie:''' The capital is Topeka and that is not the point! :'''Jade:''' Uh, oh. (Stares at Tarakudo) Whoa. :'''Tarakudo:''' You. (Recognizes Jade, the queen of the ShadowKhan) Ah, the former queen of the ShadowKhan returning to the forces of darkness. (Jackie swoops up Jade) :'''Jackie:''' Thank you, no. Not today! :'''Jade:''' Er... What Jackie said. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jade:''' Let me guess. Mr. Creepyhead? :'''Jackie:''' (Gasps) Jade, you're suppose to be with Captain Black! :'''Jade:''' Thought I should be here in case you fall another plane. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jackie:''' And what do they want with these disobedient children? (Jade sticks her tongue and raspberry him) <hr width="50%"/> :'''Uncle:''' Feh. Floating head cannot be oni! :'''Tohru:''' It can't? :'''Uncle:''' Of course not! Everyone who has control the ShadowKhan has been Chinese! Shendu, Chinese! Daolon Wong, Chinese but oni are Japanese. [Uncle heard the beeping sound coming from Jackie's laptop] :'''Jackie:''' Radar indicates Dark Hand jet has landed in Hong Kong. :'''Uncle:''' See? Hong Kong, Chinese. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hak Foo:''' [Angry Grunt] I wanted that! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tohru:''' Uh, I read Japanese, but it has been many years in fact I am probably too shakey so forget that I... :'''Uncle:''' Tohru, read country now! :'''Tohru:''' Yes, sensei. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tohru:''' The genchi tell of ancient warriors who once cast a spell to defeat this oni trapping its spirit within the mask. The key ingredient was Japanese steel specially forged for samurai sword. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tohru:''' It goes on to say that Tarakudo once terrorized the land of the trusted oni generals. Each demon general control its own army which was composed of different tribe of ShadowKhan. [Jackie slaps his forehead] :'''Jade:''' Uh... Different how? :'''Jackie:''' I will prefer not to find out. :'''Tohru:''' Tarakudo's reign came to an end when the spirits of his generals were trapped within masks. 9 generals,9 masks. :'''Jade:''' 9 different types of ShadowKhan. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jackie:''' Let me guess. The masks were scattered across the Earth? :'''Tohru:''' Yep. Uh.... One more thing. Should the 9 masks ever be rejoined their combined power summon enough ShadowKhan to engulf the entire Earth eternal darkness. :'''Uncle:''' Aieeeyaaah! Tohru, you must do research! :'''Tohru:''' He must? :'''Uncle:''' You were told by childhood tales of oni by mother. You read Japanese, you are Japanese so you must do research!!! ===Samurai Ratso [4.2]=== :'''Tohru:''' [holds an onion up to Tarakudo menacingly] :'''Tarakudo:''' Whoa! easy with that veggie, big fella. :'''Tohru:''' [tosses it at him] :'''Tarakudo:''' Aaaah! My eyes! My eyes! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jackie:''' Jade, go with Uncle. :'''Jade:''' Awww. (Jade goes with Uncle until Tohru and Jackie waves goodbye to him as the train sped off,but not for Jade.) :'''Jade:''' I miss him already. :'''Jackie:''' Jade! I told you to go with Uncle! Not stay with...Uncle. :'''Jade:''' Tch. No wonder I'm confused. Too many uncles. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tohru:''' (Groans) I hate fish. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jade:''' Karaoke break, anyone? :'''Jackie:''' Jade, the first rule of research is patience. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Uncle:''' You have the willies? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hak Foo:''' (Groans) I wanted that mask! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Uncle:''' Being away from my shop for so long makes me... nervous? :'''Jackie:''' Uncle? :'''Uncle:''' [Sighs] I'm only getting in your way. Tohru has knowledge of Japanese which Uncle does not, Tohru gets willies from oni which Uncle does not, Tohru knows tricks with vegetables which Uncle does... ===The Amazing T-Troop [4.3]=== :'''Jade:''' Jackie, Scruffy hates puppy prison. How long we keep tormenting him this way? :'''Jackie:''' Jade, Scruffy must attend obdient school until he learns to listen. No doubt he takes after his master. :'''Jade:''' Har, har. Look I can prove Scuffy obeys all my commands. You ready, boy? Play dead. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jackie:''' Oh, (chuckles) Jade,why don't you stay here and help Uncle find Farmer McDonald and his friends more appopriate logics. :'''Jade:''' Awww.... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jade:''' Wrong museum, Jackie. Mask is Japanese, not jurassic. :'''Jackie:''' Jade! I thought I told you to help Farmer McDonald find a place to stay? :'''Jade:''' Tch. Did. <hr width="50%"/> [After seeing the T-troop] :'''Tarakudo:''' This is your team, Mr. Chan? A child, a ham, a stuffed moose [laughs] and a flying chicken? ===Black Magic [4.4]=== :'''Jackie:''' Why did I let you talk me into this? :'''Jade:''' You said it yourself, Jackie. You're too fat. :'''Jackie:''' I said, I am too heavy to climb the totem pole without risk of damaging it, Jade. :'''Jade:''' Heavy, fat. Same dif. Hey! He looks just like his mugshot! :'''Hak Foo:''' [Breaks down the trees] It will fit smugly... upon my face! Flying squirrel cracks acorns! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tohru:''' Oh, I hate fish. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jade:''' Hi, Jackie. :'''Jackie:''' Jade! :'''Jade:''' You watch Captain Black's back and I watch yours. ===The Demon Behind [4.5]=== :'''Jackie:''' Eee-Yah! Not! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tohru:''' (Groans) I hate fish. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jackie:''' Go, go, go! :'''Finn, Ratso, and Chow:''' Not! :'''Ratso:''' (Chuckles evilly) Look what washed up on deck. :'''Jackie:''' Jade, what are you doing here? :'''Jade:''' Heh heh. Looks like I'm catch of the day. :'''Finn:''' Gimme back my mask, Chan. :'''Chow:''' Or it's anchor's away for your niece. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tohru:''' I hate fish. <hr width="50%"/> (The mask activates and ended on Finn's butt) :'''Finn:''' Ahh! This is not happening! This is not happening! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ratso:''' Not! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Chow:''' Demon magic, here I come! :'''Finn:''' Not! You clowns had your Shadow be a ninja masters and you blew it! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Uncle:''' One more thing... :'''Tohru:''' No more things!!!!! :'''Uncle:''' [Gasps] You disrespect Uncle?! Uncle took you in, put roof over your head, put food in your belly lots of food! And this is how you repay me?! :'''Tohru:''' I cook, I clean, I travel the world to be smothered by fish! And you thank me by demanding "Many more things!" :'''Tohru and Uncle:''' I will never speak to you again! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jade:''' The demon from planet Ur... :'''Jackie:''' Jade! :'''Jade:''' Er... Neptune! :'''Jackie:''' Uncle, please. :'''Uncle:''' No, Uncle has it coming. (hits himself) Uncle had opportunity to warn Tohru, but did he? No! All because of silly argument. Now my apprentice is in danger of becoming demon. (hits himself) One more thing, Tohru was right. Uncle says "one more thing" too often. ===Fright Fight Night [4.6]=== :'''Jackie:''' Trick for you, treat for me. <hr width="50%"/> (Jade scares Jackie off as he was screaming) :'''Jade:''' (Angry growl) :'''Jackie:''' Waahh! Jade! :'''Jade:''' Who is Jade?! I am the Oni Voodoo, mystress of dark. :'''Jackie:''' Oh, Makeup? (Groans) Jade, you shouldn't scare people like that. :'''Jade:''' Tch. Scaring is the whole point on Halloween, Jackie. And I have to win the scariest costume award at school tonight. :'''Jackie:''' But all things you have to choose... :'''Jade:''' I don't know anything scarier than oni demon, do you? (Grabs Jackie's hand) Now, come on! Time's are wasting! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tarakudo:''' (Tssking) Chan, no mask. (Placing a pumpkin on Jackie's head) Much better. Jackie-O-Lantern. And now, I'll send you to the pumpkin patch. <hr width="50%/> :'''Paco:''' (Wearing mask, seeing Tarakudo for first time) Are you the Great Pumpkin? :'''Tarakudo:''' Erm, yes. ===The Shadow Eaters [4.7]=== :'''Jackie:''' Jade, where is the mask? :'''Hak Foo:''' [Groans] At last! :'''Jade:''' Uh... Found it. :'''Hak Foo:''' And now, Chans. Prepare to make the fiercest tribe of ShadowKhan yet! My demon summons me ninja army! [Jackie and Jade gasp with horror] :'''Hak Foo:''' They're...they are...they are so... :'''Jade:''' Cute! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hak Foo:''' Demon compensates for pathetic ninja army! <hr width="50%"/> (Hak Foo sends Jackie by throwing him to the alligators by chomping him up) :'''Jade:''' No!!!!! :'''Jackie:''' Waahhh! :'''Jade:''' Jackie, grab on! (The alligators gobble him up in the bottom of the water) :'''Jade:''' Jackie!!!!! :'''Hak Foo:''' I will not see you later, alligator. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jade:''' Faster, Jackie! He's gaining! :'''Jackie:''' Jade, this is much... :'''Jade:''' Too dangerous? Hey, I must be psychic! <hr width="50%"/> ===Half a Mask of Kung-Fu [4.8]=== :'''Hak Foo:''' SCREAMING EAGLE FEET! [kicks at Jackie, only to end up piercing the bottom of his foot on the horn of a skull stuck on Jackie's head] AAAAAAAAAAH! Crying puppy feet! Crying puppy feet! <hr width=50%/> :'''Uncle:''' Uncle sends you to find Oni mask and you return with gibberish? :'''Jade:''' Hello! It's not gibberish; it's a site on the Web. :'''Uncle:''' Ooh, the mask has been taken by giant spider? <hr width=50%/> :'''Uncle:''' [watching Jade use her laptop] Jade, why did you not tell Uncle your waffle iron was magic? <hr width=50%/> :'''Jackie:''' You're FilthyRich1? :'''Jade:''' But you're not rich, just- :'''Valmont:''' I am fully aware of the irony! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jackie:''' The mask is evil, Jade. It is only a matter of time before it turns you evil too. :'''Jade:''' [wearing half of an Oni mask] Tch, I can handle it. One, it's only half the evil of a regular mask. And two... [demonic voice] the next time you call me crazy, I SHALL DEVOUR YOUR ''BRAINS!'' [regular voice] ...Hehe, see your point. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jackie:''' We have to find the delivery truck. :'''Jade:''' No problem, Jackie. I'll just order my half-a-khan to chase it down and [demonic voice] feast upon the delicious gray matter of the helpless mortal inside! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jackie:''' Jade, the evil within you is growing stronger. You must resist it until we can find the potion. :'''Jade:''' Well, we better find it fast, 'cause your brains are starting to smell awful yummy. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jackie:''' [cell phone rings] Hello? [hands it to Jade] It's for you. :'''Tohru:''' Jade, we were in the middle of a big auction and then all the icons disappeared. :'''Jade:''' No problem, T. Just click on the blinking Super-Moose in the corner and [demonic voice] SURRENDER YOUR SOUL TO THE FORCES OF DARKNESS! :'''Tohru:''' Uh... I will figure it out on my own. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jackie:''' Jade? :'''Jade:''' Hey, Jackie. :'''Jackie:''' [Gasps] ===The Good Guys [4.9]=== :'''Finn:''' No way are we handing over our life savings to someone who looks like a pizza boy. :'''Strikemaster Ice:''' Yo yo yo. This is one pizza boy who's going to serve up an extra large whupping with ''extra'' cheese! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jade:''' Easy does it, Jackie. :'''Jackie:''' Waahhh!!!! Jade, why do you have to show up every time?! :'''Jade:''' Cause' you miss me if I didn't. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jade:''' Let's finish him off! (Ratso and Chow stops her) :'''Chow:''' Now, Jade. :'''Ratso:''' You know your Uncle Jackie will not approve. :'''Jade:''' Awww..... ===J2 [4.10]=== :'''Jade:''' Is it just me, or this place a dump? :'''Jackie:''' Jade, what are you doing here? :'''Jade:''' Spending Chinese New Year with my love ones. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jackie:''' Jade. :'''Jade and Future Jade:''' Yes, Jackie? :'''Jackie:''' Explain? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Future Jade:''' Soon after I became Section 13's head honcho, sunny boy made it to the top of our most wanted list. Luckily, I convinced you and Uncle to became Section 13's official magic consultants. :'''Jackie:''' (Shocked) You mean, I ''never leave Section 13!?'' :'''Future Jade:''' (Shrugs) But even you and Uncle couldn't prevent what happened next, Junior dusted off an old spell of his dad's. And conquered an army of dragon minions giving more enough muscle to take over Section 13. I soon realize the only way to save the future was to change the past. [Escape the Drago's dragon troop for a great escape] :'''Future Jade:''' It took some dueling, but I escaped Drago's troops. [Uses time portal by entering the past] :'''Future Jade:''' But Junior got wise my plan and hitch on the ride on Uncle's spell. :'''Jade:''' Whoa. So all this already happened? In the future? :'''Jackie:''' There is one thing you have not told us, what exactly is Drago trying to stop you for changing in the past? :'''Future Jade:''' He's trying to stop me from preventing resurrection of his father. :'''Jackie:''' Shendu. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jade:''' Say, are you sure he's Shendu's kid? :'''Future Jade:''' Who? The Tooth Fairy here? :'''Jade:''' Tch. I mean Shendu had edge, but this Drago dude's more like... :'''Future Jade:''' A gecko with zits? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jade:''' Hey, do I ever get braces? :'''Future Jade:''' No. :'''Jade:''' Acne? :'''Future Jade:''' Some. :'''Jade:''' Wild stunts like those? :'''Future Jade:''' Section 13 standard wear. :'''Jade:''' I grew up to be a Section 13 agent? :'''Future Jade:''' Boss. You take... I took over for Captain Black after he was transferred the east coast to start up Section 14. :'''Jade:''' Me?! The big chief of Section 13?! We rock! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jade:''' Oh, do you have to go back so soon? We haven't gone rollerblading, or-or mastered the Pukenator at Moose World. :'''Future Jade:''' Been there, done that. Besides don't you think... :'''Jade:''' Hanging around with myself is a little weird? Yeah, we'd probably just sit around all day finishing... :'''Jade And Future Jade:''' Each other's sentences. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Future Jade:''' You were supposed to stay put. :'''Jade:''' Tch. You know me better than that. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jade:''' [Groans] I think I'm gonna hurl! :'''Future Jade:''' This is from the girl who rode the pukenator 10 times in a row in Moose World? :'''Jade:''' Hey, how did you know that? :'''Future Jade:''' Talk later. :'''Jade:''' Now, wait a second. :'''Future Jade:''' We have to keep moving, Jade. Trust me. :'''Jade:''' Uncle Jackie never told me to... :'''Future Jade:''' Never trust strangers, never chew with your mouth open, and never spit into the wind. Duh. :'''Jade:''' Whoa, time out! Are you... [The woman removes her hat and sunglasses revealing herself to be an adult version of Jade.] :'''Future Jade:''' You? Took you long enough. :'''Jade:''' If you're me, then you must be... from the future. :'''Future Jade:''' Double bonus score. :'''Jade:''' But, how? Why? :'''Future Jade:''' I'll give you the download on the way. [Whistles for taxi] :'''Jade:''' I learned to whistle like that? Cool! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jade:''' So they have time machines in the future? :'''Future Jade:''' How old do I look? I used one of Uncle's spells. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jade:''' So, why did you just tell Jackie and Uncle who you were back there? :'''Future Jade:''' Didn't have time to convince them. Too busy to save the future. :'''Jade:''' From what? [Gasps] :'''Future Jade:''' Him, Shendu's son. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jade:''' That's how you blew him in the junkyard! :'''Future Jade:''' The Dragon Talisman. Never leave the future without it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jade:''' Drago's a hothead. :'''Future Jade:''' Like father, like son. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jade:''' Good news is, we still have one just like it in the vault at Section 13. :'''Future Jade:''' Bad news is, we're not ''at'' Section 13. <hr width="50%"/> [Jade and Future Jade got startled] :'''Jade:''' Heh. Parade float. :'''Future Jade:''' Heh. Chinese New Year. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jade:''' You distract Lizard lips and I'll jump him from behind. :'''Future Jade:''' If Drago bumps you off in the present, I can pop off out of existence. And the future will be history. :'''Jade:''' Whoa. This time travel stunt is freaky. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jackie:''' Look. Jade has nothing to do with this. :'''Two Jades:''' Talk later! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Future Jade:''' I didn't intend to involve you guys, but I arrived a lot later than I hoped. Heh. Never tested Uncle's spell. :'''Jackie:''' [Groans] And I thought one Jade gave me a headache. But why did you come back here? :'''Jade:''' Duh. Isn't it obvious? Future me is so mega bad that dragon boy had to come back to the past to rebel me out long just as squirt. So I surf time to protect myself and kick his scaley butt all the way back to the future. :'''Jackie:''' Then why did Drago leave without chop ruling you? :'''Jade:''' Well, because... Yeah. Why did Drago leave? :'''Future Jade:''' Because he has bigger fish to fry. :'''Jackie:''' How much bigger? :'''Future Jade:''' I didn't follow Drago here. Drago followed me. To keep me from putting ambush on the age of dragons. :'''Jade:''' Age of dragons? :'''Jackie:''' I do not like the sound of that. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Future Jade:''' Stay here. :'''Jade:''' Aww... ===The J-Tots [4.11]=== :'''Jackie Tot:''' Jade!!! :'''Jade:''' I know... I am so grounded. :'''Jackie Tot:''' No! Kids against grown ups! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Viper Tot:''' Pat-a-cake, pat-a-cake baker's man, bake me a cake like Jackie Chan! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jade:''' Jackie, I patched a mondo plan to take down the J team's arch nemesis our enemy Chang . Tell you all about it on the way to Section 13. (being grabbed) :'''Jackie:''' The only plan, Jade. Is for you to stay here with Uncle. :'''Jade:''' (Angry grunt) Jackie never listens, doesn't he realize I'm only the member but the brains behind the J team? <hr width="50%"/> [Helga Sorenson rolls down the long stairs] :'''Tohru:''' I told you, I do not fight women. ===Déjà Vu [4.12]=== :'''Uncle:''' (Gasps) The dark chi master himself. :'''Jade:''' Tch. The slimy myster herself. (Shows the Deja Vu stone) :'''Uncle:''' The Deja Vu Stone. :'''Jackie:''' Jade. :'''Jade:''' Come on, Jackie. I helped saved the day 72 times. The world's half a dozen times and your butt more times than I care to count. :'''Jackie:''' And you made a mess of things more times than I care to count. :'''Jade:''' But I always clean up after myself. Just admit it, Jackie. You need me. Hey! :'''Jackie, Uncle and Jade:''' Daolon Wong?! :'''Daolon Wong:''' Many thanks for the memories. (Jackie kicks the Deja Vu Stone and he and Daolon Wong are gone) :'''Jade:''' Jackie? Jackie? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Uncle:''' Turning into statue is better. :'''Jade:''' (Chuckles nervously) Depends who you ask. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jade:''' The Strength Talisman. Good one. :'''Jackie:''' I know, Jade. Waahh! Jade, how did you... :'''Jade:''' Your hands! (Jackie looks at his hands are glowing) I get it! That must be Uncle's magic and... (Gasps and Shendu begins to attack Jackie) :'''Jade:''' (Angry grunt) I blow it again! I distracted Jackie just like I did today! Does twice like a pattern? <hr width="50%/> :'''Jackie:''' Could it be? A view?! In a nice, cozy, danger free hotel?! A happy memory... (Jade 6 turns to Jade 8) Waahh! :'''Jade:''' Jackie, don't worry. I can explain everything! (All the Jade clones fell out of the closet) :'''Jade Clones:''' Waahh! Whoa! (Nervous chuckle) Hi, Jackie. :'''Jade:''' So I'm quite the rascal, but it's not like I'm evil or anything. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jackie:''' Jade? :'''Jade:''' I couldn't help it, I was possessed! :'''Uncle:''' Did Uncle ask you tattooed demon face onto your leg, no? You do not see Uncle walking around being evil ,do you? :'''Jade:''' Uh, Unc? (Uncle sees himself as a Chi Vampire) :'''Uncle:''' Uncle could not help it. Was victim of chi vampire. :'''Jade:''' Oh, yeah. And I have the piece in your mind. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jackie:''' Take me back to the beginning! :'''Daolon Wong:''' Hmph. So here we are, back in the old fool's trash heap. :'''Uncle:''' That is old fool's rare trash heap to you! :'''Jade:''' Wait a sec. (Looks at her bags) Jackie went to the wrong beginning, the first time we met! :'''Jackie:''' Wait, this can't be right, where are Uncle and... :'''Daolon Wong:''' Give me that! (Jackie drops the deja vu stone and stares at Jade) :'''Jackie:''' Jade... :'''Jade:''' Jackie is right, I do get in his way. :'''Finn:''' You're Jackie Chan, the archaeologist? :'''Jackie:''' I bet you were looking for the shield I brought back from Bavaria. :'''Finn:''' We're looking for the... How'd you know? :'''Jackie:''' (Points at Daolon Wong) He has it! :'''Daolon Wong:''' Chan is lying! Do you not recognized your master?! :'''Finn:''' The only master we have is big V! :'''Chow:''' And he's gonna wanna hear all about where you stashed the shield! :'''Jade:''' Way to rewrite history, Jackie! :'''Uncle:''' Did they buy anything? :'''Jackie:''' No. :'''Uncle:''' You are terrible salesman! (Jackie looks at Jade and picks up the phone) :'''Uncle:''' Who are you calling? :'''Jackie:''' Jade's parents. She must return to Hong Kong. :'''Uncle:''' But she just arrived. :'''Jade:''' What?! No way! Who's gonna help save the day?! The world?! Jackie's butt?! :'''Jackie:''' Uncle, you must trust me. It will be better for Jade,for us if she does not stay. :'''Jade:''' No, Jackie. Hang up the phone, you need me! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jade's Dad:''' Hello? :'''Jackie:''' Uh... Sorry, wrong number. (Jade sighs in relief) :'''Uncle:''' Jackie, next time you make crank call phone local. :'''Jade:''' Living with you guys is gonna rock! :'''Jackie:''' (Sighs) You have no idea just yet how much. :'''Uncle:''' You speak English! (Jade shrugs) :'''Jackie:''' Now, return me to the present. :'''Jade:''' Jackie, you do need me!!! :'''Jackie:''' Jade, how did you know? (Jade points at herself and Uncle) :'''Uncle:''' Where did Jackie go? (Jade shrugs) :'''Jade:''' I'm glad you decided to keep me around. :'''Jackie:''' Let it just say, I realize that perhaps you have save me a time or two. :'''Jade:''' Tch. Try 72. <hr witdh="50%"/> :'''Jackie:''' Gahhh! A broken leg?! But I did not even hit the ground! :'''Jade:''' Jackie! :'''Jackie:''' Ah, Jade! Did you see the mess you got me into? :'''Jade:''' Gee, Jackie. I already admit it was total my fault you slipped in my Gnome Cop action figure and busted your leg. :'''Jackie:''' No, not that! If you have got in the way and allow Daolon Wong to take the Deja Vu stone, I wouldn't be lost in time! :'''Jade:''' Huh? :'''Jackie:''' (Frustrates) Never mind. You are the past Jade. You would not know that. :'''Jade:''' Uncle, do you think Jackie's right? Did I really mess things up? :'''Uncle:''' (scoffs) Nonsense, Jade. Jackie needs to watch where he's walking. :'''Jade:''' Not the broken leg, the Deja Vu thing! I'm still like a dummy when Long Snake it from me! It's all my fault Jackie's stuck in rerunville! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jade:''' Wow, look at Jackie go! Hmmm. Guess he does do okay without my help. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jade:''' I'll give Jackie a 9.2 for thinking on his feet for we really work much better as a team. :'''Jackie:''' No! No, Jade! Do not get on that plane! (Jade hops inside the plane along with El Toro Fuerte) :'''Jade:''' (chuckle nervously) See? Teamwork. :'''Uncle:''' You never listen. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jade:''' See the oinker at 12 o' clock? :'''Jackie:''' Yes, that is very nice, Jade. But I really not supposed to be here. (Jackie founds the Deja Vu Stone on the cymbals) :'''Uncle:''' There. :'''Jade:''' Check it out, I helped! :'''Jackie:''' The Deja Vu Stone! :'''Jade:''' Yeah, whatever. Aren't we looking for the Pig Talisman? Tohru! :'''Hak Foo:''' Many thanks for leading us to the prize. :'''Uncle:''' You are not welcome! :'''Hak Foo:''' You! :'''Tohru:''' Why so afraid? He's an old man. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Uncle:''' That will teach foolish Tohru to mess with Uncle with his power by immortality talisman! (Realized) Do not tell faithful apprentice Uncle said that. :'''Jade:''' Come on, Jackie! Grab the stone and will yourself back here! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jade:''' Hyah! (Kicks Tohru) He's in the house! Hyah! (Saves Captain Black, Uncle and Jackie) I got your back, Jackie! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jackie:''' Quick, Jade! The antidote! :'''Jade:''' No!!!!! Tch. You think I would have gotten right the second time around. :'''Uncle:''' Your past self does not know then but you know now, Jade. :'''Jackie:''' Maybe... This is possible to... being cursed to relive all the... worse moments of my life! <hr width"50%"/> :'''Jade:''' Ooh. If memories were served, here's where I make a star entrance and save the day! <hr width="50%/> :'''Jackie:''' Since you have things well in hand, Uncle. I will take my leave. [Gasps] :'''Daolon Wong:''' The stone is mine! :'''Hak Foo:''' Who is that?! :'''Jade:''' And what's with the stone you all keep jabbering about?! Wong snake his way in! :'''Uncle:''' Aieeeyaaah! ===Ninja Twilight [4.13]=== :'''Jade:''' I call Dragon! (Jackie passes a Dog and Rat Talismans) Dog and Rat? Awww, you gotta hog on the cool ones. :'''Jackie:''' Jade, you will remain here. :'''Jade:''' What?! No way! :'''Jackie:''' Jade, please. I could not live myself if something happen to you. :'''Jade:''' Awww... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jackie:''' Super Moose? :'''Jade:''' Jackie! (Grabs the Rabbit Talisman and throws it to him) :'''Jackie:''' Jade, you are supposed to be... :'''Jade:''' I decided I couldn't live with myself when something happen to you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jade:''' Easy, as any ex queen of the ShadowKhan can tell you, wearing the sign of Tarakudo can keep control over ninjas. It's tattoo time. :'''Jackie:''' No, Jade. It is far too dangerous even if you have done it before. :'''Uncle:''' I volunteer Tohru. ==Season 5 (The Demon Powers)== ===Relics of Demons Past [5.1]=== :'''Jade:''' Incoming! (Jackie telescopes Jade as she was burping) :'''Jackie:''' (Groans) Jade. (Tohru burst out laughing) <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jade:''' You Tarzan, and me Jade. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jade:''' So CB, What's my assignment? (Jackie carries Jade's backpack) :'''Jackie:''' The only assignments you'll be getting today are at school. :'''Jade:''' Awww... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jade:''' But, what about freedom of expression? This is America, you know. :'''Jackie:''' Jade, this has nothing to do with free speech and everything to do with self control. Promise me, no more burping. :'''Jade:''' Fine. I'll just explode from a builds of gas when I'm 16. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jackie:''' Jade, stay here. :'''Jade:''' Seriously, (Jackie is shocked) don't you ever get tired saying that? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jackie:''' I will draw their fire, you run back to Captain Black's truck. :'''Jade:''' But, Jackie... :'''Jackie:''' And no arguments. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jackie:''' Jade? :'''Jade:''' Uncle Jackie! :'''Jackie:''' Waah! What happened to you?! :'''Jade:''' What's happening to me?! :'''Jackie:''' Jade, tell me you're fooling around Uncle's spells. :'''Jade:''' No, I swear! I just looked up and bam! Toad girl! :'''Jackie:''' It's alright. Uncle will know what to do. :'''Jade:''' But what if I'm a girl toad forever? Just sitting around and eating flies, waiting to croak? ===It's All in the Game [5.2]=== :'''Jade:''' Baru? Here we come! I am so gonna kick butt in that game! Woo-Hoo! Yeah! :'''Jackie:''' We're not going to Baru to compete,Jade. You will stay here with Tohru. :'''Jade:''' Aw come on, Uncle Jackie. I've seen every single episodes of International Island Challenge. (Jackie stands up as she grabs his leg tighter) You gotta take me! :'''Jackie:''' Jade. :'''Jade:''' I know, I know. I always have to play the home version. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jade:''' Hey, Jackie. :'''Jackie:''' (startled) Jade, what are you doing here?! :'''Jade:''' Get serious. :'''Tohru:''' Sorry, Jackie. :'''Jackie:''' Jade, listen to me. I told you before we are not here to play games. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jade:''' (Gasps) :'''Jackie:''' Jade... :'''Jade:''' What? We were just talking. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jade:''' Relax, they're not home. :'''Jackie:''' Ahh! Jade, go back to the treehouse. :'''Jade:''' Jackie, three words. Flat. Screen. Television. :'''Jackie:''' How many times do I have to tell you? We must stay focused on our mission, not the game. ===Black and White Chi All Over [5.3]=== :'''Tohru:''' Drago! :'''Jackie:''' And... Strikemaster Ice? :'''Jade:''' Hey, Pizza-face got a Drago makeover! :'''Strikemaster Ice:''' Yo dawg, you didn't say ''nothing'' about putting the hurt on Chan. First day on the job and we already get a bonus! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jade:''' Okay, Jackinator. You go left, I'll go right. And we'll catch Drago... :'''Jackie:''' Jade, you stay here. :'''Jade:''' You can't go in without backup. Hmph. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jade:''' Aw, come on! You know it's my birthday! Now for breakfast, I want chocolate chip pancakes with whipped cream and strawberries and... :'''Jackie:''' I'm sorry, Jade. Things are a little busy around Section 13 this morning. We'll have to celebrate your birthday later. :'''Jade:''' What?! How much later?! :'''Jackie:''' Uh... Just be patient. :'''Jade:''' Aww... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jackie:''' I am sorry, Jade. Your birthday celebration will have to wait just a little longer. :'''Jade:''' That's okay. We can party in San Diego! :'''Jackie:''' Uh... It's too dangerous. You stay here. :'''Jade:''' That's not right. You can't dis the birthday girl. <hr width"50%"/> :'''Jade:''' Hey, Jackie. (Jackie got startled) <hr width"50%"/> :'''Jade:''' Now that we have the flower power, it's time to party down! I'm still the birthday girl for 10 hours! :'''Jackie:''' We'll be back home in time for big birthday dinner. <hr width=50%"/> :'''Jackie:''' Jade, stay here. (Uncle and Tohru go along with him, leaving Jade behind) :'''Jade:''' Awww... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jade:''' Step away from the lotus pod. :'''Jackie:''' Jade! :'''Jade:''' I'm your backup, remember? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jade:''' Ooh, ooh. Let me be the living vessel! I can handle it! I have experience! (Jackie ignores her and rushes out) Come on, it's my birthday! ===Dragon Scouts [5.4]=== :'''Jackie:''' Jade, what are you doing? Those clothes are being donated to charity. And that is your Buttercup scout uniform. :'''Jade:''' I know, I quit the buttercups. :'''Jackie:''' Huh? Why? :'''Jade:''' Quilt making, cookie selling, hello?! If I wanted to be bored out of my gourd, I can just hang here with you and Uncle. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jackie:''' But scouting provides a valuable experience, Jade. You mustn't quit. :'''Jade:''' So who said I can quitting scouting? I'll join the Dragon scouts. :'''Jackie:''' But the Dragon scouts are all boys. ===The Demon Beneath My Wings [5.5]=== :'''Jade:''' We'll put up for a spin. :'''Jackie:''' Jade, what are you doing here? :'''Jade:''' Like I'm gonna come all the way down to Australia and not ride on a kangaroo? Tch. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jade and Jackie:''' Ahhhh!!!! :'''Jackie:''' Jade, I told you to stay on the bus! :'''Jade:''' What's the point? ===Mirror, Mirror [5.6]=== :'''Jade:''' Oh,no. I'm a mule. A stubborn mule! :'''Jackie:''' (Gasps) My head! It's huge! :'''Tohru:''' I'm turning into my mother! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jade:''' Hey,I kinda like Uncle this way. (Jackie and Uncle stares at her) (Donkey noise) (Uncle smiles) :'''Jade:''' At least I'm not a mime. Why don't you walk against the wind or something! :'''Jackie:''' (Groans) All right,both of you. You're giving me a headache. A big one! ===Antler Action [5.7]=== :'''Jade:''' Jackie! (Lifts Jackie up) Grabbing Jackies, ugly small stupid white, guilt, white, white guilty nipples, Milk squirts me in the eye. I then notice nothing is everything. ===Clash of the Titanics [5.8]=== :'''Jade:''' Well, what are you land lubbers waiting for? Let's shape up and ship out! :'''Jackie:''' You are not going, Jade. :'''Jade:''' Jackie, I saw a movie Titanic 12 times. That makes me total expert on sunken treasure! :'''Uncle:''' Jade, you must listen to Jackie. You cannot go sub with us. :'''Jackie:''' And neither can you, Uncle. Not with your cold or those germs in a tiny close space. (Uncle slaps Jackie's head) Ow! :'''Uncle:''' Uncle is not infectious! (Sneezes) And you cannot perform removal spell yourself? :'''Jackie:''' You realize that, Uncle. But Tohru and I can retrieve the castanets. And you can perform the removal spells later on dry land. :'''Captain Black:''' Makes sense. :'''Jade and Uncle:''' Awww... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jade:''' Hi, Jackie. :'''Jackie:''' Jade..... :'''Jade:''' I know, I know. Too dangerous, but you need me, Uncle Jackie. (He stares at her for a long time) Ok, fine. I'll leave. :'''Jackie:''' Very funny, we are 2,000 League under the sea and... (Sniffing the air) Why do you smell like garlic? :'''Jade:''' Not me. (Sniffing) It's coming from...(Jackie opens the vent and sees Uncle) :'''Uncle:''' Hi, Jackie. :'''Jackie:''' Uncle! :'''Jade:''' Great minds, think alike. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jade:''' Come on, slowpoke. :'''Jackie:''' Jade, you are staying inside the sub. :'''Jade:''' Awww... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jackie:''' Luckily, I avoided batting against the bends. I... (Laughing) I mean, ground is all wobbly like pudding. Aw, I like Tapioca. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jackie:''' Hello neighbors, Nice day. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jackie:''' (Falls in the snow) Whoopsy! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jackie:''' Aw, pretty. You made a snow angel. <hr width="50"/> :'''Jackie:''' We play Pattycake? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jackie:''' Castanet? Oh, we're going fishing? I like fishies! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jackie:''' Peachy Keen. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jackie:''' Oooo, pretty fireworks. Is it Chinese New Year already? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jackie:''' Aww, we play freeze tag? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jackie:''' You are it! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jackie:''' (Giggling) :'''Tohru:''' Jackie, are you all right? :'''Jackie:''' Yes, but you two look very wobbly. Wobbly is a funny word rhymes with gobbly. :'''Jade:''' He has so got the bends. :'''Jackie:''' I do? OH, what a nice car. Yay for me! Oh, hello again, Buddy! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jackie:''' (Giggling) Look at the flying old man. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jackie:''' Wheee!!!!!!!! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jackie:''' Oooh, pretty. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jackie:''' (Giggling) <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jackie:''' A skating rink. Fun! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jackie:''' Whirly-birdie! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Captain Black:''' Jackie has the bad case of the bends needs to take decompressed for thirty-eight hours, same for Uncle. :'''Uncle:''' Let Uncle out! :'''Jade:''' Poor guy, totally delusional. :'''Tohru:''' I do not understand, Jade. Why didn't you tell Captain Black that sensei had the bends? :'''Jade:''' Are you kidding?! That garlic smells was making me gag! I figured, two days of solitary, goodbye major stank! :'''Uncle:''' Let Uncle Out!!! Aieeeyaaah! :'''Jackie:''' I hear knock knock. Who's there? (Giggles). I like monkies and wax slips. This is a nice phone booth. Ooh, look! I can make funny sounds with my under arms. (Giggling) Oops, 'cuse me. ===Stealing Thunder [5.9]=== :'''Tohru:''' I hate rain. <hr width="50%/> :'''Jackie:''' I told you to stay by the car. :'''Jade:''' Hello? You didn't say which car. Ahhh! <hr width="50%/> :'''Jade:''' Please, please, please, please? I'll do all my chores! :'''Jackie:''' You do all your chores regardless. :'''Jade:''' Uncle Jackie, I'm like the only kid in the world doesn't have Robomirks! :'''Jackie:''' (Sighs) Video games will distract you from your studies. :'''Jade:''' That's not true! Program in your mondo cool things that's creative writing, keeping score that's math. Honestly, Robomirks is more educational homework. :'''Jackie:''' We will see. :'''Jade:''' Translation: forget about it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jackie:''' Jade, what are you doing?! :'''Jade:''' Is this a question?! ===Weight and See [5.10]=== :'''Tohru:''' I hate fish. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jade:''' Cool! I can practice my French (Speaks French) <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jackie:''' No Quebec and no argument. You have a math test tomorrow,remember? You stay here with Tohru. :'''Jade:''' Awww... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Curator:''' Bonjour. Comment allez-vous aujourd’hui? :'''Jackie:''' (looks surprised before turning to Uncle, realizing that he doesn’t understand some of the French language) Maybe we should have brought Jade. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tohru:''' I hate fish and tofu patty. ===J2 Revised [5.11]=== :'''Jackie:''' Jade, Uncle and I are going snorkeling. :'''Jade:''' Guess I'll go too. Maybe I can find some sunken treasure or something. :'''Jackie:''' Uh, why don't you stay on shore with Tohru? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jade:''' Ah! :'''Jackie:''' Jade, you weren't supposed to... (Jade smiles innocently) Oh, why did I bother? :'''Jade:''' I knew this wasn't a real vacation, so what's the 411 on the big, blue marble? :'''Uncle:''' No marble. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Future Jackie:''' Jade, we brought your favorite. Triple black buritos. :'''Jade:''' Thanks, time hopping gives me a major munchies. :'''Future Jackie:''' Jade?! :'''Future Uncle:''' Jade?! :'''Future Tohru:''' Jade?! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Future Jackie:''' Jade, explain. :'''Two Jades:''' I also stole our half of the Arcanum of Chi in the past by using a time portal spell. So I followed him through when he escaped back to the future. :'''Future Jackie:''' Please, one Jade at a time. <hr width="505%"/> :'''Jade and Future Jade:''' Our bad. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jackie:''' Jade, explain. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jade:''' What happened to you? You used to rock! :'''Future Jade:''' You think I like pushing papers all day? I don't, but this is my job and Captain Black is my boss. You have to grow up sometime, Jade. ===The Powers That Be (Part 1) [5.12]=== :'''Drago:''' I told you slackers to stay in the truck. :'''Strikemaster Ice:''' Yeah, well us slackers kind of changed our minds about how it's gonna go down. :'''Drago:''' Oh? :'''MC Cobra:''' Figured, why let you get all the powers? :'''Drago:''' You... want some of them? :'''Strikemaster Ice:''' No, dawg. We want ''all'' of them! <hr width"50%"/> :'''Drago:''' Show me the chi! :'''Jade:''' Show me the Chan Clan. ===The Powers That Be (Part 2) [5.13]=== :'''Tohru:''' I hate fish! <hr width"50%"/> :'''Jade:''' I know I messed up, but let me make it up to you. Please, Jackie. You can't split up the Chan Clan at a time like this. :'''Jackie:''' No, Jade. Section 13 is the safest place in the city and you will stay right here . :'''Jade:''' Awww... <hr width"50%"/> :'''Jade:''' Agent Jade, reporting for duty, sir! Let's head them up, and move them out! :'''Captain Black:''' Jade, I think you done enough for one night. :'''Jade:''' Er.. I didn't mean for Drago keeping the demon chi. I had a plan to... :'''Jackie:''' We know you were trying to protect us, Jade. :'''Jade:''' Er... :'''Jackie:''' And we appreciate it. :'''Captain Black:''' And from here on out, little lady. You need to leave the fight to the heavyweights. <hr width"50%/> :'''Jade:''' Come on, Big T! We're missing all the action! (Tohru crossed his arms) Awww... <hr width"50%"/> :'''Drago''': The Earth was within my grasp! You never let me have what I want! :'''Shendu''': I told you not to play with your father's world! :'''Drago''': Why not?! You weren't using it! You're always too busy fighting wizards! ==Cast List== ''(in order of appearance)'' *'''[[Jackie Chan]]''' - Voiced by [[w:James Sie|James Sie]] *'''Uncle Chan''' - Voiced by [[w:Sab Shimono|Sab Shimono]] *'''Jade Chan''' - Voiced by [[w:Stacie Chan|Stacie Chan]] *'''Captain Augustus Black''' - Voiced by [[Clancy Brown]] *'''Tohru''' - Voiced by [[w:Noah Nelson|Noah Nelson]] *'''El Toro Fuerte''' - Voiced by [[w:Miguel Sandoval|Miguel Sandoval]] *'''Paco''' - Voiced by [[w:Franco Velez|Franco Velez]] *'''Viper''' - Voiced by [[w:Susan Eisenberg|Susan Eisenberg]] *'''Valmont''' - Voiced by [[w:Julian Sands|Julian Sands]] (Seasons 1 and 2); [[w:Andrew Ableson|Andrew Ableson]] (Seasons 3 and 4) *'''Finn''' - Voiced by [[w:Adam Baldwin|Adam Baldwin]] *'''Ratso''' - Voiced by [[Clancy Brown]] *'''Chow''' - Voiced by [[w:James Sie|James Sie]] *'''Hak Foo''' - Voiced by [[w:Jim Cummings|Jim Cummings]] (Season 1 only); [[John DiMaggio]] (Season 2 onwards) *'''Shendu''' - Voiced by [[w:James Sie|James Sie]] ==External Links== {{wikipedia}} *[http://www.sonypictures.com/tv/kids/index_jackie.html ''Jackie Chan Adventures'' official website] *[http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0259141/ ''Jackie Chan Adventures''] on [[w:Internet Movie Database|IMDb]] *[http://www.tv.com/jackie-chan-adventures/show/4690/summary.html ''Jackie Chan Adventures''] on [[w:TV.com|TV.com]] [[Category:2000s American animated TV shows]] [[Category:Traditionally animated TV shows]] [[Category:Anime-influenced Western animated TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated action TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated fantasy TV shows]] [[Category:Cancelled shows]] [[Category:American TV shows with live action and animation]] [[Category:YTV shows]] [[Category:Kids' WB shows]] [[Category:Toon Disney shows]] 6l3et8l6qaltio6r9lfh0333wc4321f 0 120507 3152997 3060594 2022-08-09T20:17:10Z Philip Cross 7192 ce wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Diane Abbott, New Statesman hustings, trimmed.jpg|thumb|right|Diane Abbott in 2010]] '''[[w:Diane Abbott|Diane Julie Abbott]]''' (born [[27 September]] [[1953]]) is a British [[w:Labour Party (UK)|Labour Party]] politician and current [[w:Shadow Health Secretary|Shadow Health Secretary]]. She was first elected as the [[w:Member of Parliament|Member of Parliament]] (MP) for [[w:Hackney North and Stoke Newington (UK Parliament constituency)|Hackney North and Stoke Newington]] at the [[w:United Kingdom general election, 1987|1987 general election]], when she became the first black woman to have a seat in the [[w:House of Commons of the United Kingdom|House of Commons]]. {{political-stub}} == Quotes == === 1983 === *a defeat for the British state would be a great liberation **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/election-2017-40076195 Diane Abbott: My views on IRA, like my hair, have changed] ''BBC News'' (1983) === 1994 === * Being an MP is the sort of job all working-class parents want for their children — clean, indoors and no heavy lifting. ** ''The Independent'' (18 January 1994). === 2010–2015 === * I think the public sector cuts have the potential to set back race relations and black and ethnic minority communities by a generation. ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-11295557 Cuts could damage race relations, warns Diane Abbott] ''BBC News'' (14 September 2010). * White people love playing ‘divide & rule’. We should not play their game. ** Twitter post reproduced in ''The Daily Telegraph'' (5 January 2012). [http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/politics/labour/8994068/Diane-Abbott-White-people-love-playing-divide-and-rule.html] * I put being a mother ahead of being a politician. ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/10276583 Profile: Diane Abbott] ''BBC News'' (5 January 2012). * Of course, sex is great. We don't have to pretend otherwise. But people shouldn't feel victimised by a pornified culture and girls shouldn't be forced to do things they don't feel comfortable with. ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-21127073 Diane Abbott: British culture 'increasingly pornified'] ''BBC News'' (22 January 2013). * There is a crisis of masculinity in Britain because of the pressures rapid economic and social change have placed on masculine identity. A generation of men are in transit and unclear of their social role. They are also under pressure to live up to pornified ideals. **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-22530184 Diane Abbott to warn of British 'masculinity crisis'] ''BBC News'' (15 May 2013). * If you want people to participate and be interested, part of that is to have a political class that looks like the population as a whole. ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-jersey-28044487 Diane Abbott in Jersey for Women in Politics talk] ''BBC News'' (1 July 2014). * On balance [[Mao Zedong|Mao]] did more good than harm. ** On [[w:BBC One|BBC One]]'s [[w:This Week (BBC TV series)|This Week]] during a debate over who was the history's worst dictator. [http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/2015/11/27/diane-abbott-said-on-balance-mao-did-more-good-than-harm_n_8660910.html] (27 November 2015). === 2016 === * When I had been at primary school, I was very good at writing essays. It was a big thing. My essays were so good they would get pinned up on the wall and read out to the rest of the class ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-38156890 Diane Abbott: My struggles and triumphs] ''BBC News'' (2 December 2016). * I want power. I suppose that's the story of my life - seeking power. ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-38156890 Diane Abbott: My struggles and triumphs] ''BBC News'' (2 December 2016). * I'm in politics to be a voice for people who don't have a voice. ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-38156890 Diane Abbott: My struggles and triumphs] ''BBC News'' (2 December 2016). * There's no question women politicians get a level of abuse online which men don't get. New media and the anonymity has unleashed a really quite violent misogyny which I didn't see when I started in politics, although consistently women always get more severe abuse in the media than men. ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-38156890 Diane Abbott: My struggles and triumphs] ''BBC News'' (2 December 2016). === 2017 === * I respect the result of the referendum and no-one wanted to thwart it in a perverse kind of way. But we need to be clear, this is not a Tony Benn Brexit, this is Donald Trump Brexit, and it's got a very ugly side. ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-38915553 No 10 plays down House of Lords abolition warning over Brexit] ''BBC News'' (9 February 2017). * I receive racist and sexist abuse online on a daily basis. I have had rape threats, death threats, and am referred to routinely as a bitch and/or nigger, and am sent horrible images on Twitter **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-38977784 Female MP abuse 'puts women off politics' says Diane Abbott] ''BBC News'' (15 February 2017). * Sexism towards female MPs is sadly still commonplace ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-38977784 Female MP abuse 'puts women off politics' says Diane Abbott] ''BBC News'' (15 February 2017). * I do know my figures ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/election-2017-39775693 Diane Abbott says she 'misspoke' on Labour's police policy] ''BBC News'' (2 May 2017). * I think politicians complaining about the media is like sailors complaining about the weather. ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-40338820 Diane Abbott: 'I'm back to fighting fitness'] ''BBC News'' (20 June 2017). *I think that's what we were referencing when we talked about easy movement [of workers after the UK has left the EU's single market] - less bureaucracy; it's good for migrants but it's also good for business **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-42384346 Diane Abbott: Listen to CBI and NHS' on Brexit migration] ''BBC News'' (17 December 2017). * The health service, they're very worried about a collapse in the number of EU migrants coming here. Social care would be in a terrible position.... finance, education. The reality is that business, the CBI, the Institute of Directors, but also health, education and social care; they say that they need these European migrants and we have to listen to them. ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-42384346 Diane Abbott: Listen to CBI and NHS' on Brexit migration] ''BBC News'' (17 December 2017). * I will argue for the right of the electorate to vote on any deal that is finally agreed. ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-42384346 Diane Abbott: Listen to CBI and NHS' on Brexit migration] ''BBC News'' (17 December 2017). * The Labour Party doesn't support a second referendum ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-42384346 Diane Abbott: Listen to CBI and NHS' on Brexit migration] ''BBC News'' (17 December 2017). === 2018 === * We don't want to see the break-up of families from the EU in the way we currently do for non-EU families. ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-43140806 Labour vows to end 'heartbreaking' deportation rules] ''BBC News'' (21 February 2018). * In a global world, we need migration and migrants. They should not be subjected to a hostile environment. ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-43140806 Labour vows to end 'heartbreaking' deportation rules] ''BBC News'' (21 February 2018). * The disproportionate use of force is clearly discriminatory. This is not a recipe for good police-community relations. ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-london-44214748 Met Police 'use force more often' against black people] ''BBC News'' (24 May 2018). * Migrants from outside the EU should be treated with the same fairness as EU migrants after Brexit. ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-45510623 Diane Abbott unveils Labour's new immigration policy] ''BBC News'' (13 September 2018). * The referendum vote will be honoured and we will come out of the EU next spring ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-46315250 Brexit vote will be honoured, says Diane Abbott] ''BBC News'' (23 November 2018). * [We will table an amendment to reject the deal and] prevent the chaos of the UK crashing out of the EU ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-46380153 Brexit: Security minister Ben Wallace warns of no-deal risk] ''BBC News'' (29 November 2018). === 2019 === * I hope ex-members will continue to work with Labour on issues like homelessness, the benefit system, the NHS and most of all fighting this Tory Brexit ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-47313366 Labour and Conservatives could see more MP exits] ''BBC News'' (21 February 2019). * The British people and British workers are paying a big price for chaotic Brexit ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-wiltshire-47679900 Diane Abbott joins fight to save Honda car plant] ''BBC News'' (23 March 2019). * Another vote would be the democratic thing to do to move Brexit forward. ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-48431558 Brexit: Labour still split over further referendum] ''BBC News'' (28 May 2019). * [Remaining in the EU would be the] best option for the country and my constituents ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-49405423 Jeremy Corbyn refuses to echo allies' Brexit position] ''BBC News'' (20 August 2019). == Quotes about Abbott == * Thanks Diane. I hope we can all agree that this debate should be about Syria not UK party politics ** [[Jo Cox]], response in Twitter to Abbott after she called Jo Cox and [[w:John Woodcock (politician)|John Woodcock]] 'sad' for backing military action against the wishes of [[Jeremy Corbyn]] — [http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/politics/11925253/Furious-Labour-MPs-accuse-Diane-Abbott-of-bullying-over-Syria-vote.html Furious Labour MPs accuse Diane Abbott of 'bullying' over Syria vote] (11 October 2015) * You're shadow international development secretary not an internet troll. ** John Woodcock, response in Twitter to Abbott after she called Jo Cox and John Woodcock 'sad' for backing military action against the wishes of Jeremy Corbyn — [http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/politics/11925253/Furious-Labour-MPs-accuse-Diane-Abbott-of-bullying-over-Syria-vote.html Furious Labour MPs accuse Diane Abbott of 'bullying' over Syria vote] (11 October 2015) == External links == {{Wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Abbott, Diane}} [[Category:Members of the Parliament of the United Kingdom]] [[Category:People from London]] [[Category:1953 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Labour Party (UK) politicians]] [[Category:Feminists from England]] [[Category:Women politicians]] [[Category:British women]] 8nmiaey44dkwsyhjtiv52dd2di609my 3152998 3152997 2022-08-09T20:25:50Z Philip Cross 7192 ce wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Diane Abbott, New Statesman hustings, trimmed.jpg|thumb|right|Diane Abbott in 2010]] '''[[w:Diane Abbott|Diane Julie Abbott]]''' (born [[27 September]] [[1953]]) is a British [[w:Labour Party (UK)|Labour Party]] politician and current [[w:Shadow Health Secretary|Shadow Health Secretary]]. She was first elected as the [[w:Member of Parliament|Member of Parliament]] (MP) for [[w:Hackney North and Stoke Newington (UK Parliament constituency)|Hackney North and Stoke Newington]] at the [[w:United Kingdom general election, 1987|1987 general election]], when she became the first black woman to have a seat in the [[w:House of Commons of the United Kingdom|House of Commons]]. {{political-stub}} == Quotes == === 1983 === * a defeat for the British state would be a great liberation ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/election-2017-40076195 "Diane Abbott: My views on IRA, like my hair, have changed"] ''BBC News'' (1983) === 1994 === * Being an MP is the sort of job all working-class parents want for their children — clean, indoors and no heavy lifting. ** ''The Independent'' (18 January 1994). === 2010–2015 === * I think the public sector cuts have the potential to set back race relations and black and ethnic minority communities by a generation. ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-11295557 "Cuts could damage race relations, warns Diane Abbott"] ''BBC News'' (14 September 2010). * White people love playing ‘divide & rule’. We should not play their game. ** Twitter post reproduced in ''The Daily Telegraph'' (5 January 2012). [http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/politics/labour/8994068/Diane-Abbott-White-people-love-playing-divide-and-rule.html] * I put being a mother ahead of being a politician. ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/10276583 "Profile: Diane Abbott"] ''BBC News'' (5 January 2012). * Of course, sex is great. We don't have to pretend otherwise. But people shouldn't feel victimised by a pornified culture and girls shouldn't be forced to do things they don't feel comfortable with. ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-21127073 "Diane Abbott: British culture 'increasingly pornified'"] ''BBC News'' (22 January 2013). * There is a crisis of masculinity in Britain because of the pressures rapid economic and social change have placed on masculine identity. A generation of men are in transit and unclear of their social role. They are also under pressure to live up to pornified ideals. **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-22530184 "Diane Abbott to warn of British 'masculinity crisis'"] ''BBC News'' (15 May 2013). * If you want people to participate and be interested, part of that is to have a political class that looks like the population as a whole. ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-jersey-28044487 "Diane Abbott in Jersey for Women in Politics talk"] ''BBC News'' (1 July 2014). * On balance [[Mao Zedong|Mao]] did more good than harm. ** On [[w:BBC One|BBC One]]'s ''[[w:This Week (BBC TV series)|This Week]]'' during a debate over who was the history's worst dictator. [http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/2015/11/27/diane-abbott-said-on-balance-mao-did-more-good-than-harm_n_8660910.html] (27 November 2015). === 2016 === * When I had been at primary school, I was very good at writing essays. It was a big thing. My essays were so good they would get pinned up on the wall and read out to the rest of the class ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-38156890 "Diane Abbott: My struggles and triumphs"] ''BBC News'' (2 December 2016). * I want power. I suppose that's the story of my life - seeking power. ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-38156890 "Diane Abbott: My struggles and triumphs"] ''BBC News'' (2 December 2016). * I'm in politics to be a voice for people who don't have a voice. ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-38156890 "Diane Abbott: My struggles and triumphs"] ''BBC News'' (2 December 2016). * There's no question women politicians get a level of abuse online which men don't get. New media and the anonymity has unleashed a really quite violent misogyny which I didn't see when I started in politics, although consistently women always get more severe abuse in the media than men. ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-38156890 "Diane Abbott: My struggles and triumphs"] ''BBC News'' (2 December 2016). === 2017 === * I respect the result of the referendum and no-one wanted to thwart it in a perverse kind of way. But we need to be clear, this is not a Tony Benn Brexit, this is Donald Trump Brexit, and it's got a very ugly side. ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-38915553 "No 10 plays down House of Lords abolition warning over Brexit"] ''BBC News'' (9 February 2017). * I receive racist and sexist abuse online on a daily basis. I have had rape threats, death threats, and am referred to routinely as a bitch and/or nigger, and am sent horrible images on Twitter **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-38977784 "Female MP abuse 'puts women off politics' says Diane Abbott"] ''BBC News'' (15 February 2017). * Sexism towards female MPs is sadly still commonplace ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-38977784 "Female MP abuse 'puts women off politics' says Diane Abbott"] ''BBC News'' (15 February 2017). * I do know my figures ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/election-2017-39775693 "Diane Abbott says she 'misspoke' on Labour's police policy"] ''BBC News'' (2 May 2017). * I think politicians complaining about the media is like sailors complaining about the weather. ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-40338820 Diane Abbott: "'I'm back to fighting fitness'"] ''BBC News'' (20 June 2017). * I think that's what we were referencing when we talked about easy movement [of workers after the UK has left the EU's single market] - less bureaucracy; it's good for migrants but it's also good for business ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-42384346 "Diane Abbott: Listen to CBI and NHS' on Brexit migration"] ''BBC News'' (17 December 2017). * The health service, they're very worried about a collapse in the number of EU migrants coming here. Social care would be in a terrible position.... finance, education. The reality is that business, the CBI, the Institute of Directors, but also health, education and social care; they say that they need these European migrants and we have to listen to them. ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-42384346 "Diane Abbott: Listen to CBI and NHS' on Brexit migration"] ''BBC News'' (17 December 2017). * I will argue for the right of the electorate to vote on any deal that is finally agreed. ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-42384346 "Diane Abbott: Listen to CBI and NHS' on Brexit migration"] ''BBC News'' (17 December 2017). * The Labour Party doesn't support a second referendum ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-42384346 "Diane Abbott: Listen to CBI and NHS' on Brexit migration"] ''BBC News'' (17 December 2017). === 2018 === * We don't want to see the break-up of families from the EU in the way we currently do for non-EU families. ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-43140806 "Labour vows to end 'heartbreaking' deportation rules"] ''BBC News'' (21 February 2018). * In a global world, we need migration and migrants. They should not be subjected to a hostile environment. ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-43140806 "Labour vows to end 'heartbreaking' deportation rules"] ''BBC News'' (21 February 2018). * The disproportionate use of force is clearly discriminatory. This is not a recipe for good police-community relations. ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-london-44214748 "Met Police 'use force more often' against black people"] ''BBC News'' (24 May 2018). * Migrants from outside the EU should be treated with the same fairness as EU migrants after Brexit. ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-45510623 "Diane Abbott unveils Labour's new immigration policy"] ''BBC News'' (13 September 2018). * The referendum vote will be honoured and we will come out of the EU next spring ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-46315250 "Brexit vote will be honoured, says Diane Abbott"] ''BBC News'' (23 November 2018). * [We will table an amendment to reject the deal and] prevent the chaos of the UK crashing out of the EU ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-46380153 "Brexit: Security minister Ben Wallace warns of no-deal risk"] ''BBC News'' (29 November 2018). === 2019 === * I hope ex-members will continue to work with Labour on issues like homelessness, the benefit system, the NHS and most of all fighting this Tory Brexit ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-47313366 "Labour and Conservatives could see more MP exits"] ''BBC News'' (21 February 2019). * The British people and British workers are paying a big price for chaotic Brexit ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-wiltshire-47679900 "Diane Abbott joins fight to save Honda car plant"] ''BBC News'' (23 March 2019). * Another vote would be the democratic thing to do to move Brexit forward. ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-48431558 "Brexit: Labour still split over further referendum"] ''BBC News'' (28 May 2019). * [Remaining in the EU would be the] best option for the country and my constituents ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-49405423 "Jeremy Corbyn refuses to echo allies' Brexit position"] ''BBC News'' (20 August 2019). == Quotes about Abbott == * Thanks Diane. I hope we can all agree that this debate should be about Syria not UK party politics ** [[Jo Cox]], response in Twitter to Abbott after she called Jo Cox and [[w:John Woodcock (politician)|John Woodcock]] 'sad' for backing military action against the wishes of [[Jeremy Corbyn]] — [http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/politics/11925253/Furious-Labour-MPs-accuse-Diane-Abbott-of-bullying-over-Syria-vote.html "Furious Labour MPs accuse Diane Abbott of 'bullying' over Syria vote"] cited by ''The Telegraph'' (11 October 2015) * You're shadow international development secretary not an internet troll. ** John Woodcock, response in Twitter to Abbott after she called Jo Cox and John Woodcock 'sad' for backing military action against the wishes of Jeremy Corbyn — [http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/politics/11925253/Furious-Labour-MPs-accuse-Diane-Abbott-of-bullying-over-Syria-vote.html "Furious Labour MPs accuse Diane Abbott of 'bullying' over Syria vote"] cited by ''The Telegraph'' (11 October 2015) == External links == {{Wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Abbott, Diane}} [[Category:Members of the Parliament of the United Kingdom]] [[Category:People from London]] [[Category:1953 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Labour Party (UK) politicians]] [[Category:Feminists from England]] [[Category:Women politicians]] [[Category:British women]] 0v88xiarxcaxxp74uar295yo2zgsvra 3152999 3152998 2022-08-09T20:26:28Z Philip Cross 7192 /* Quotes about Abbott */ ce wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Diane Abbott, New Statesman hustings, trimmed.jpg|thumb|right|Diane Abbott in 2010]] '''[[w:Diane Abbott|Diane Julie Abbott]]''' (born [[27 September]] [[1953]]) is a British [[w:Labour Party (UK)|Labour Party]] politician and current [[w:Shadow Health Secretary|Shadow Health Secretary]]. She was first elected as the [[w:Member of Parliament|Member of Parliament]] (MP) for [[w:Hackney North and Stoke Newington (UK Parliament constituency)|Hackney North and Stoke Newington]] at the [[w:United Kingdom general election, 1987|1987 general election]], when she became the first black woman to have a seat in the [[w:House of Commons of the United Kingdom|House of Commons]]. {{political-stub}} == Quotes == === 1983 === * a defeat for the British state would be a great liberation ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/election-2017-40076195 "Diane Abbott: My views on IRA, like my hair, have changed"] ''BBC News'' (1983) === 1994 === * Being an MP is the sort of job all working-class parents want for their children — clean, indoors and no heavy lifting. ** ''The Independent'' (18 January 1994). === 2010–2015 === * I think the public sector cuts have the potential to set back race relations and black and ethnic minority communities by a generation. ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-11295557 "Cuts could damage race relations, warns Diane Abbott"] ''BBC News'' (14 September 2010). * White people love playing ‘divide & rule’. We should not play their game. ** Twitter post reproduced in ''The Daily Telegraph'' (5 January 2012). [http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/politics/labour/8994068/Diane-Abbott-White-people-love-playing-divide-and-rule.html] * I put being a mother ahead of being a politician. ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/10276583 "Profile: Diane Abbott"] ''BBC News'' (5 January 2012). * Of course, sex is great. We don't have to pretend otherwise. But people shouldn't feel victimised by a pornified culture and girls shouldn't be forced to do things they don't feel comfortable with. ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-21127073 "Diane Abbott: British culture 'increasingly pornified'"] ''BBC News'' (22 January 2013). * There is a crisis of masculinity in Britain because of the pressures rapid economic and social change have placed on masculine identity. A generation of men are in transit and unclear of their social role. They are also under pressure to live up to pornified ideals. **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-22530184 "Diane Abbott to warn of British 'masculinity crisis'"] ''BBC News'' (15 May 2013). * If you want people to participate and be interested, part of that is to have a political class that looks like the population as a whole. ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-jersey-28044487 "Diane Abbott in Jersey for Women in Politics talk"] ''BBC News'' (1 July 2014). * On balance [[Mao Zedong|Mao]] did more good than harm. ** On [[w:BBC One|BBC One]]'s ''[[w:This Week (BBC TV series)|This Week]]'' during a debate over who was the history's worst dictator. [http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/2015/11/27/diane-abbott-said-on-balance-mao-did-more-good-than-harm_n_8660910.html] (27 November 2015). === 2016 === * When I had been at primary school, I was very good at writing essays. It was a big thing. My essays were so good they would get pinned up on the wall and read out to the rest of the class ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-38156890 "Diane Abbott: My struggles and triumphs"] ''BBC News'' (2 December 2016). * I want power. I suppose that's the story of my life - seeking power. ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-38156890 "Diane Abbott: My struggles and triumphs"] ''BBC News'' (2 December 2016). * I'm in politics to be a voice for people who don't have a voice. ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-38156890 "Diane Abbott: My struggles and triumphs"] ''BBC News'' (2 December 2016). * There's no question women politicians get a level of abuse online which men don't get. New media and the anonymity has unleashed a really quite violent misogyny which I didn't see when I started in politics, although consistently women always get more severe abuse in the media than men. ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-38156890 "Diane Abbott: My struggles and triumphs"] ''BBC News'' (2 December 2016). === 2017 === * I respect the result of the referendum and no-one wanted to thwart it in a perverse kind of way. But we need to be clear, this is not a Tony Benn Brexit, this is Donald Trump Brexit, and it's got a very ugly side. ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-38915553 "No 10 plays down House of Lords abolition warning over Brexit"] ''BBC News'' (9 February 2017). * I receive racist and sexist abuse online on a daily basis. I have had rape threats, death threats, and am referred to routinely as a bitch and/or nigger, and am sent horrible images on Twitter **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-38977784 "Female MP abuse 'puts women off politics' says Diane Abbott"] ''BBC News'' (15 February 2017). * Sexism towards female MPs is sadly still commonplace ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-38977784 "Female MP abuse 'puts women off politics' says Diane Abbott"] ''BBC News'' (15 February 2017). * I do know my figures ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/election-2017-39775693 "Diane Abbott says she 'misspoke' on Labour's police policy"] ''BBC News'' (2 May 2017). * I think politicians complaining about the media is like sailors complaining about the weather. ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-40338820 Diane Abbott: "'I'm back to fighting fitness'"] ''BBC News'' (20 June 2017). * I think that's what we were referencing when we talked about easy movement [of workers after the UK has left the EU's single market] - less bureaucracy; it's good for migrants but it's also good for business ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-42384346 "Diane Abbott: Listen to CBI and NHS' on Brexit migration"] ''BBC News'' (17 December 2017). * The health service, they're very worried about a collapse in the number of EU migrants coming here. Social care would be in a terrible position.... finance, education. The reality is that business, the CBI, the Institute of Directors, but also health, education and social care; they say that they need these European migrants and we have to listen to them. ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-42384346 "Diane Abbott: Listen to CBI and NHS' on Brexit migration"] ''BBC News'' (17 December 2017). * I will argue for the right of the electorate to vote on any deal that is finally agreed. ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-42384346 "Diane Abbott: Listen to CBI and NHS' on Brexit migration"] ''BBC News'' (17 December 2017). * The Labour Party doesn't support a second referendum ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-42384346 "Diane Abbott: Listen to CBI and NHS' on Brexit migration"] ''BBC News'' (17 December 2017). === 2018 === * We don't want to see the break-up of families from the EU in the way we currently do for non-EU families. ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-43140806 "Labour vows to end 'heartbreaking' deportation rules"] ''BBC News'' (21 February 2018). * In a global world, we need migration and migrants. They should not be subjected to a hostile environment. ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-43140806 "Labour vows to end 'heartbreaking' deportation rules"] ''BBC News'' (21 February 2018). * The disproportionate use of force is clearly discriminatory. This is not a recipe for good police-community relations. ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-london-44214748 "Met Police 'use force more often' against black people"] ''BBC News'' (24 May 2018). * Migrants from outside the EU should be treated with the same fairness as EU migrants after Brexit. ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-45510623 "Diane Abbott unveils Labour's new immigration policy"] ''BBC News'' (13 September 2018). * The referendum vote will be honoured and we will come out of the EU next spring ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-46315250 "Brexit vote will be honoured, says Diane Abbott"] ''BBC News'' (23 November 2018). * [We will table an amendment to reject the deal and] prevent the chaos of the UK crashing out of the EU ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-46380153 "Brexit: Security minister Ben Wallace warns of no-deal risk"] ''BBC News'' (29 November 2018). === 2019 === * I hope ex-members will continue to work with Labour on issues like homelessness, the benefit system, the NHS and most of all fighting this Tory Brexit ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-47313366 "Labour and Conservatives could see more MP exits"] ''BBC News'' (21 February 2019). * The British people and British workers are paying a big price for chaotic Brexit ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-wiltshire-47679900 "Diane Abbott joins fight to save Honda car plant"] ''BBC News'' (23 March 2019). * Another vote would be the democratic thing to do to move Brexit forward. ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-48431558 "Brexit: Labour still split over further referendum"] ''BBC News'' (28 May 2019). * [Remaining in the EU would be the] best option for the country and my constituents ** [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-49405423 "Jeremy Corbyn refuses to echo allies' Brexit position"] ''BBC News'' (20 August 2019). == Quotes about Abbott == * Thanks Diane. I hope we can all agree that this debate should be about Syria not UK party politics ** [[Jo Cox]], response in Twitter to Abbott after she called Jo Cox and [[w:John Woodcock (politician)|John Woodcock]] 'sad' for backing military action against the wishes of [[Jeremy Corbyn]] — [http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/politics/11925253/Furious-Labour-MPs-accuse-Diane-Abbott-of-bullying-over-Syria-vote.html "Furious Labour MPs accuse Diane Abbott of 'bullying' over Syria vote"] cited by ''The Telegraph'' (11 October 2015). * You're shadow international development secretary not an internet troll. ** John Woodcock, response in Twitter to Abbott after she called Jo Cox and John Woodcock 'sad' for backing military action against the wishes of Jeremy Corbyn — [http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/politics/11925253/Furious-Labour-MPs-accuse-Diane-Abbott-of-bullying-over-Syria-vote.html "Furious Labour MPs accuse Diane Abbott of 'bullying' over Syria vote"] cited by ''The Telegraph'' (11 October 2015). == External links == {{Wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Abbott, Diane}} [[Category:Members of the Parliament of the United Kingdom]] [[Category:People from London]] [[Category:1953 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Labour Party (UK) politicians]] [[Category:Feminists from England]] [[Category:Women politicians]] [[Category:British women]] 57b23wpmhgx62hcdwmotngmi0toa9vx 0 124116 3152942 2668959 2022-08-09T16:03:19Z Philip Cross 7192 /* Selected headlines */ neutral heading, other fixes wikitext text/x-wiki '''''[[w:The Sun (United Kingdom)|The Sun]]''''' is a [[w:tabloid (newspaper format)|tabloid]] newspaper published in the [[United Kingdom]] and {{w|Republic of Ireland}}. As a {{w|broadsheet}}, it was founded in 1964 as a successor to the ''[[w:Daily Herald (UK newspaper)|Daily Herald]]'' From 1969, the paper has gained a reputation for colourful, if sometimes controversial, headlines. == Selected headlines == * GOTCHA! - After the sinking of the Argentinian Ship [[w:ARA General Belgrano|Belgrano]] ** Headline in early editions of 4 May 1982, referring to the sinking of the [[w:ARA General Belgrano|General Belgrano]] during the Falklands War. * STICK IT UP YOUR JUNTA ** On going to war with [[w:Junta|Argentina]] (1982). * [[w:Freddie Starr|FREDDIE STARR]] ATE MY HAMSTER - Allegations about comedian [[w:Freddie Starr|Freddie Starr]] ** Headline (13 March 1986). * IT'S WALL OVER ** The fall of the [[w:Berlin Wall|Berlin Wall]] (10 November 1989). * THE TRUTH ** Headline (19 April 1989) on a story about misbehaviour by [[w:Liverpool Football Club|Liverpool FC]] fans during the [[w:Hillsborough disaster|Hillsborough stadium disaster]]. The story led to a boycott of the paper on Merseyside which has yet to end. * MRS T-EARS ** On [[w:Margaret Thatcher|Margaret Thatcher's]] resignation * IF KINNOCK WINS TODAY WILL THE LAST PERSON IN BRITAIN PLEASE TURN OUT THE LIGHTS ** About [[w:Neil Kinnock|Neil Kinnock]] and the [[w:United Kingdom general election, 1992|1992 general election]] * IT WAS THE SUN WOT WON IT ** Claim after [[w:John Major|John Major's]] victory (1992). * UP YOURS DELORS ** On President of the European Commission [[Jacques Delors]]. * YANKS 2 PLANKS 0! ** On the humiliating 2–0 defeat by the [[w:United States men's national soccer team|United States]] in the [[w:1993 U.S. Cup|1993 U.S. Cup]] (11 June 1993). * THAT'S YER ALLOTMENT ** On the resignation of [[w:England national football team manager|England Manager]] [[w:Graham Taylor|Graham Taylor]], after his side's failure to qualify for the [[w:1994 FIFA World Cup|1994 FIFA World Cup]] (24 November 1993). * DINIZ IN THE OVEN ** After [[w:Pedro Diniz|Pedro Diniz']]s car caught fire during the Grand Prix of Argentina (1996). * QUEEN HAS A RUBBER DUCK AND IT WEARS A CROWN ** [[w:Elizabeth II of the United Kingdom|Queen Elizabeth II]] has a [[w:Rubber duck|Rubber duck]] (October 2001). * ZIP ME UP BEFORE YOU GO GO ** After [[w:George Michael|George Michael]] was arrested in a public toilet * SPLIFF CLUB SEVEN ** After the male members of [[w:S Club 7|S Club 7]] were caught smoking a [[w:Cannabis|joint]] * CLOBBA SLOBBA: OUR BOYS BATTER BUTCHER OF SERBIA IN NATO BLITZ ** Bombing [[w:Slobodan Milošević|Yugoslavia]]. * IS THIS THE MOST DANGEROUS MAN IN BRITAIN ** Questioning [[w:Tony Blair|Tony Blair's]] views on Europe (24 June 1998). * IS THIS THE MOST DANGEROUS MAN IN EUROPE ** Questioning [[w:Oskar Lafontaine|Oskar Lafontaine's]] views, during the Euro debate (25 November 1998). * NAIL THE BASTARD ** After the body of [[w:Sarah Payne|Sarah Payne]] was found. * BONKERS BRUNO LOCKED UP ** Unpopular headline after [[w:Frank Bruno|Frank Bruno]] entered hospital with mental health problems. * UP YOURS SEÑORS ** After beating [[w:Argentina national football team|Argentina]] in the [[w:2002 FIFA World Cup|2002 FIFA World Cup]]. * CHIRAC EST UN VER ** "[[w:Jacques Chirac|Chirac]] is a worm"; French edition, handed out free in France because of his anti [[w:2003 invasion of Iraq|Iraq War]] stance (February 2003). * SHIP SHIP HOORAY ** After the suicide of [[w:Harold Shipman|Harold Shipman]] (January 2004). * FROM HITLER YOUTH TO PAPA RATZI ** [[w:Joseph Ratzinger|Joseph Ratzinger]] becomes [[w:Pope Benedict XVI|Pope Benedict XVI]] (20 April 2005). * TYRANT'S IN HIS PANTS ** After publishing pictures of [[w:Saddam Hussein|Saddam Hussein]] in his underpants (20 May 2005). * ONE DOWN THREE TO GO ** On the death of 27 year old Brazilian man [[w:Jean Charles de Menezes|Jean Charles de Menezes]] (23 July 2005). ===Fictional Headlines=== * KILL AN ARGIE WIN A METRO - Spoof ''[[w:Private Eye|Private Eye]]'' headline from Falklands war * SCOTT OF PANTARTICA - From the film ''[[w:Notting Hill (film)|Notting Hill]]'', when nude pictures of actress Anna Scott are found == Quotes about The Sun == [[Yes, Minister]], Series 2 ep. 4: :''Sun'' readers don't care who runs the country as long as she's got big tits. == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{Commons category}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Sun, The}} [[Category:Newspapers]] [[Category:Conservatism in the United Kingdom]] jl5n3ymim26qz0zre3q9yqxje8i3xmk 3152943 3152942 2022-08-09T16:04:36Z Philip Cross 7192 /* Fictional Headlines */ ce wikitext text/x-wiki '''''[[w:The Sun (United Kingdom)|The Sun]]''''' is a [[w:tabloid (newspaper format)|tabloid]] newspaper published in the [[United Kingdom]] and {{w|Republic of Ireland}}. As a {{w|broadsheet}}, it was founded in 1964 as a successor to the ''[[w:Daily Herald (UK newspaper)|Daily Herald]]'' From 1969, the paper has gained a reputation for colourful, if sometimes controversial, headlines. == Selected headlines == * GOTCHA! - After the sinking of the Argentinian Ship [[w:ARA General Belgrano|Belgrano]] ** Headline in early editions of 4 May 1982, referring to the sinking of the [[w:ARA General Belgrano|General Belgrano]] during the Falklands War. * STICK IT UP YOUR JUNTA ** On going to war with [[w:Junta|Argentina]] (1982). * [[w:Freddie Starr|FREDDIE STARR]] ATE MY HAMSTER - Allegations about comedian [[w:Freddie Starr|Freddie Starr]] ** Headline (13 March 1986). * IT'S WALL OVER ** The fall of the [[w:Berlin Wall|Berlin Wall]] (10 November 1989). * THE TRUTH ** Headline (19 April 1989) on a story about misbehaviour by [[w:Liverpool Football Club|Liverpool FC]] fans during the [[w:Hillsborough disaster|Hillsborough stadium disaster]]. The story led to a boycott of the paper on Merseyside which has yet to end. * MRS T-EARS ** On [[w:Margaret Thatcher|Margaret Thatcher's]] resignation * IF KINNOCK WINS TODAY WILL THE LAST PERSON IN BRITAIN PLEASE TURN OUT THE LIGHTS ** About [[w:Neil Kinnock|Neil Kinnock]] and the [[w:United Kingdom general election, 1992|1992 general election]] * IT WAS THE SUN WOT WON IT ** Claim after [[w:John Major|John Major's]] victory (1992). * UP YOURS DELORS ** On President of the European Commission [[Jacques Delors]]. * YANKS 2 PLANKS 0! ** On the humiliating 2–0 defeat by the [[w:United States men's national soccer team|United States]] in the [[w:1993 U.S. Cup|1993 U.S. Cup]] (11 June 1993). * THAT'S YER ALLOTMENT ** On the resignation of [[w:England national football team manager|England Manager]] [[w:Graham Taylor|Graham Taylor]], after his side's failure to qualify for the [[w:1994 FIFA World Cup|1994 FIFA World Cup]] (24 November 1993). * DINIZ IN THE OVEN ** After [[w:Pedro Diniz|Pedro Diniz']]s car caught fire during the Grand Prix of Argentina (1996). * QUEEN HAS A RUBBER DUCK AND IT WEARS A CROWN ** [[w:Elizabeth II of the United Kingdom|Queen Elizabeth II]] has a [[w:Rubber duck|Rubber duck]] (October 2001). * ZIP ME UP BEFORE YOU GO GO ** After [[w:George Michael|George Michael]] was arrested in a public toilet * SPLIFF CLUB SEVEN ** After the male members of [[w:S Club 7|S Club 7]] were caught smoking a [[w:Cannabis|joint]] * CLOBBA SLOBBA: OUR BOYS BATTER BUTCHER OF SERBIA IN NATO BLITZ ** Bombing [[w:Slobodan Milošević|Yugoslavia]]. * IS THIS THE MOST DANGEROUS MAN IN BRITAIN ** Questioning [[w:Tony Blair|Tony Blair's]] views on Europe (24 June 1998). * IS THIS THE MOST DANGEROUS MAN IN EUROPE ** Questioning [[w:Oskar Lafontaine|Oskar Lafontaine's]] views, during the Euro debate (25 November 1998). * NAIL THE BASTARD ** After the body of [[w:Sarah Payne|Sarah Payne]] was found. * BONKERS BRUNO LOCKED UP ** Unpopular headline after [[w:Frank Bruno|Frank Bruno]] entered hospital with mental health problems. * UP YOURS SEÑORS ** After beating [[w:Argentina national football team|Argentina]] in the [[w:2002 FIFA World Cup|2002 FIFA World Cup]]. * CHIRAC EST UN VER ** "[[w:Jacques Chirac|Chirac]] is a worm"; French edition, handed out free in France because of his anti [[w:2003 invasion of Iraq|Iraq War]] stance (February 2003). * SHIP SHIP HOORAY ** After the suicide of [[w:Harold Shipman|Harold Shipman]] (January 2004). * FROM HITLER YOUTH TO PAPA RATZI ** [[w:Joseph Ratzinger|Joseph Ratzinger]] becomes [[w:Pope Benedict XVI|Pope Benedict XVI]] (20 April 2005). * TYRANT'S IN HIS PANTS ** After publishing pictures of [[w:Saddam Hussein|Saddam Hussein]] in his underpants (20 May 2005). * ONE DOWN THREE TO GO ** On the death of 27 year old Brazilian man [[w:Jean Charles de Menezes|Jean Charles de Menezes]] (23 July 2005). === Fictional Headlines === * KILL AN ARGIE WIN A METRO ** Spoof ''[[w:Private Eye|Private Eye]]'' headline during the Falklands war * SCOTT OF PANTARTICA ** From the film ''[[w:Notting Hill (film)|Notting Hill]]'', when nude pictures of actress Anna Scott are found == Quotes about The Sun == [[Yes, Minister]], Series 2 ep. 4: :''Sun'' readers don't care who runs the country as long as she's got big tits. == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{Commons category}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Sun, The}} [[Category:Newspapers]] [[Category:Conservatism in the United Kingdom]] cfaqgnyjwbjbtq0cdusaoxsfhevmjxy 0 124117 3152898 3151494 2022-08-09T12:19:53Z Philip Cross 7192 /* Quotes */ ce wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:John Pilger in August 2011.jpg|thumb|John Pilger]] [[File:John Pilger with Russell Skelton - Understand This (8056103133).jpg|thumb|Many journalists now are no more than channelers and echoers of what [[George Orwell]] called the 'official truth'. They simply cipher and transmit lies.]] '''[[w:John Pilger|John Richard Pilger]]''' (born [[9 October]] [[1939]]) is an Australian journalist and broadcaster/documentary maker based in London and Sydney. ==Quotes== * It is not enough for [[journalists]] to see themselves as mere messengers without [[understanding]] the [[w:hidden agenda|hidden agenda]]s of the message and the myths that surround it. ** John Pilger, ''Hidden Agendas'' (1998). * On the [[September 11 attacks]]: In these surreal days, there is one truth. Nothing justified the killing of innocent people in America last week and nothing justifies the killing of innocent people anywhere else. ** John Pilger, [http://www.guardian.co.uk/wtccrash/story/0,1300,555452,00.html "Blair has made Britain a target"] ''The Guardian'' (21 September 2001). * More [[terrorist]]s are given training and sanctuary in the United States than anywhere on earth. They include mass murderers, [[torture]]rs, former and future [[tyrant]]s and assorted international criminals. This is virtually unknown to the American public, thanks to the freest media on earth. * During my lifetime, America has been constantly waging war against much of humanity: impoverished people mostly, in stricken places. ** John Pilger, [http://www.guardian.co.uk/wtccrash/story/0,1300,555452,00.html "Blair has made Britain a target"] ''The Guardian'' (21 September 2001). * Many journalists now are no more than channelers and echoers of what [[George Orwell]] called the 'official truth'. They simply cipher and transmit lies. It really grieves me that so many of my fellow journalists can be so manipulated that they become really what the French describe as 'functionaires', functionaries, not journalists. Many journalists become very defensive when you suggest to them that they are anything but impartial and objective. The problem with those words 'impartiality' and 'objectivity' is that they have lost their dictionary meaning. They've been taken over... [they] now mean the establishment point of view... Journalists don't sit down and think, 'I'm now going to speak for the establishment.' Of course not. But they internalise a whole set of assumptions, and one of the most potent assumptions is that the world should be seen in terms of its usefulness to the West, not humanity. ** The Progressive, [http://www.progressive.org/nov02/intv1102.html "Interview with John Pilger"] (November 2002). * If those who support aggressive war had seen a fraction of what I've seen, if they'd watched children fry to death from [[Napalm]] and bleed to death from a [[cluster bomb]], they might not utter the claptrap they do. ** John Pilger, [http://www.guardian.co.uk/media/2005/nov/13/pressandpublishing.observermagazine "This Much I know"] ''The Observer'' (13 November 2005). * The impact of the human tragedies I've reported on is that, more often than not, I'll be angry. I want to know why is this child dying? These are not acts of God; they're results of respectable politicians' decisions. ** John Pilger, [http://www.guardian.co.uk/media/2005/nov/13/pressandpublishing.observermagazine "This Much I know"] ''The Observer'' (13 November 2005). * There is no War on Terrorism; it is [[The Great Game]] speeded up. The difference is the rampant nature of the [[superpower]], ensuring infinite dangers for us all. ** John Pilger [https://www.theguardian.com/world/2002/jul/14/usa.terrorism "The great charade"] ''The Guardian'' (14 July 2002). * When governments and other vested interests attack me personally I usually regard it as a vindication, otherwise they would use facts. That's why I believe in the wonderful [[Claud Cockburn]] dictum, 'Never believe anything until it is officially denied.' It has certainly been my experience. ** John Pilger, [http://www.guardian.co.uk/media/2005/nov/13/pressandpublishing.observermagazine "This Much I know"] ''The Observer'' (13 November 2005). * I love irony in pictures. There's one photograph from Vietnam by [[Philip Jones Griffiths]] that shows a very large GI having his pocket picked by a tiny Vietnamese woman. It told the whole story of the clash of two cultures and how the invader could never win. ** John Pilger, [http://www.guardian.co.uk/media/2005/nov/13/pressandpublishing.observermagazine "This Much I Know"] ''The Observer'' (13 November 2005). * [On [[Barack Obama]]:] No one knew what the new brand actually stood for. So accomplished was the advertising (a record $75m was spent on television commercials alone) that many Americans actually believed Obama shared their opposition to Bush’s wars. In fact, he had repeatedly backed Bush’s warmongering and its congressional funding. Many Americans also believed he was the heir to Martin Luther King’s legacy of anti-colonialism. Yet if Obama had a theme at all, apart from the vacuous 'Change you can believe in,' it was the renewal of America as a dominant, avaricious bully. 'We will be the most powerful,' he often declared. ** John Pilger, [http://www.newstatesman.com/north-america/2009/05/barack-obama-pilger-bush "The Madmen Did Well"] ''New Statesman'' (30 April 2009). * We are beckoned to see the world through a one-way mirror, as if we are threatened and innocent and the rest of humanity is threatening, or wretched, or expendable. Our memory is struggling to rescue the truth that human rights were not handed down as privileges from a parliament, or a boardroom, or an institution, but that peace is only possible with justice and with information that gives us the power to act justly. ** John Pilger, Sydney Peace Prize acceptance speech, University of Sydney (4 November 2009). * The major western democracies are moving towards corporatism. Democracy has become a business plan, with a bottom line for every human activity, every dream, every decency, every hope. The main parliamentary parties are now devoted to the same economic policies&nbsp;— socialism for the rich, capitalism for the poor&nbsp;— and the same foreign policy of servility to endless war. This is not democracy. It is to politics what McDonalds is to food. ** John Pilger, [http://johnpilger.com/articles/breaking-the-great-australian-silence Sydney Peace Prize address], Sydney Opera House (5 November 2009). * We journalists... have to be brave enough to defy those who seek our collusion in selling their latest bloody adventure in someone else's country... That means always challenging the official story, however patriotic that story may appear, however seductive and insidious it is. For propaganda relies on us in the media to aim its deceptions not at a far away country but at you at home... In this age of endless imperial war, the lives of countless men, women and children depend on the truth or their blood is on us... Those whose job it is to keep the record straight ought to be the voice of people, not power. ** ''The War You Don't See'' ITV (UK) (14 December 2010). * The censorship is such on television in the US that films like mine don't stand a chance. ** (2002) {{cite web|author=author |url=http://www.sprword.com/mustwatch.html |title=Must Watch - Sprword.com - Spread the Word |publisher=Sprword.com |date=13 February 2007 |access-date=14 January 2010}} === 2018 === * [[WikiLeaks]] has achieved far more than what The New York Times and The Washington Post in their celebrated incarnations did. No newspaper has come close to matching the secrets and lies of power that Assange and Snowden have disclosed. That both men are fugitives is indicative of the retreat of liberal democracies from principles of freedom and justice. Why is WikiLeaks a landmark in journalism? Because its revelations have told us, with 100 per cent accuracy, how and why much of the world is divided and run. **Quoted in [https://frontline.thehindu.com/cover-story/article25661115.ece "New Cold War & looming threats"] ''Frontline: The Hindu'' (India) (21 December 2018). * I wasn’t “harsh” towards Obama. It was Obama who was harsh towards much of humanity, contrary to his often absurd media image. Obama was one of the most violent U.S. Presidents. He launched or sustained seven wars and left office with none resolved: a record. In his last year as President, 2016, according to the Council on Foreign Relations, he dropped 26,171 bombs. It’s an interesting statistic; it’s three bombs every hour, 24 hours a day, on mostly civilians. The bombing technique Obama made his own was assassination by drone. Every Tuesday, reported ''The New York Times'', he selected the names of those who would die in a “programme” of extrajudicial murder. All males of military age in Yemen and the frontiers of Pakistan were considered fair game. He increased America’s special forces operations around the world, notably in Africa. Along with France and Britain, he and his Secretary of State Hillary Clinton destroyed Libya as a modern state on the false and familiar pretext that its leader was about to conduct a massacre of “innocents”. This led directly to the growth of the medievalists of ISIS [or Islamic State] and a stampede of immigration from Africa to Europe. He overthrew the democratically elected President of Ukraine and installed an openly fascist-backed regime—as a deliberate provocation to Russia. **Quoted in [https://frontline.thehindu.com/cover-story/article25661115.ece ''New Cold War & looming threats, ''Frontline: The Hindu'' (India) (21 December 2018) === 2019 === *'''Journalists can help people by telling the truth, or by as much truth as they can find, and acting not as agents of governments, of power, but of people. That is real journalism. The rest is specious and false.''' *When I began as a journalist, especially as a foreign correspondent, the press in the UK was conservative and owned by powerful establishment forces, as it is now. But the difference compared to today is that there were spaces for independent journalism that dissented from the received 'wisdom' of authority. That space has now all but closed and independent journalists have gone to the internet, or to a metaphoric underground. *The single biggest challenge is rescuing journalism from its deferential role as the stenographer of great power. The United States has constitutionally the freest press on earth, yet in practice it has a media obsequious to the formulas and deceptions of power. That is why the US was effectively given media approval to invade Iraq, and Libya, and Syria and dozens of other countries. **[https://www.thedailystar.net/opinion/interviews/news/real-journalists-act-agents-people-not-power-1687921 "Real journalists act as agents of people, not power"] ''Daily Star'' (Bangladesh) (16 January 2019). *WikiLeaks is possibly the most exciting development in journalism in my lifetime. As an [[investigative journalism|investigative journalist]], I have often had to rely on the courageous, principled acts of whistle-blowers. The truth about the Vietnam War was told when [[Daniel Ellsberg]] leaked the Pentagon Papers. The truth about Iraq and Afghanistan, and Saudi Arabia and many other flashpoints was told when WikiLeaks published the revelations of whistle-blowers. *When you consider that 100 percent of [[WikiLeaks]] leaks are authentic and accurate, you can understand the impact, as well as the fury generated among secretive powerful forces. Julian Assange is a political refugee in London for one reason only: WikiLeaks told the truth about the greatest crimes of the 21st century. He is not forgiven for that, and he should be supported by journalists and by people everywhere. **[https://www.thedailystar.net/opinion/interviews/news/real-journalists-act-agents-people-not-power-1687921 "Real journalists act as agents of people, not power"] ''Daily Star'' (Bangladesh) (16 January 2019) *Since [[Hugo Chavez|Chavez]]’s death in 2013, his successor [[Nicolás Maduro|Nicolas Maduro]] has shed his derisory label in [[Mainstream media|the Western press]] as a 'former bus driver' and [[w:vilified|become]] Saddam Hussein incarnate.... As the journalist and film-maker [[w:Pablo Navarrete|Pablo Navarrete]] reported this week, [[Venezuela]] is not the catastrophe it has been painted. 'There is food everywhere,' he wrote. 'I have filmed lots of videos of food in markets [all over Caracas] … it’s Friday night and the restaurants are full.' * In the pages of [[Mainstream media|liberal newspapers in the West]], race and class are two words almost never uttered in the mendacious “coverage” of Washington’s latest, most naked attempt to grab the world’s greatest source of oil and reclaim its “backyard”. For all the chavistas’ faults — such as allowing the Venezuelan economy to become hostage to the fortunes of oil and never seriously challenging big capital and corruption — they brought social justice and pride to millions of people and they did it with unprecedented democracy. ** [https://www.counterpunch.org/2019/02/22/the-war-on-venezuela-is-built-on-lies/ "The War on Venezuela is Built on Lies"] ''{{w:CounterPunch|Counterpunch}}'' (22 February 2019) *Should the CIA stooge Guaido and his white supremacists grab power, it will be the 68th overthrow of a sovereign government by the United States, most of them democracies. A fire sale of Venezuela’s utilities and mineral wealth will surely follow, along with the theft of the country’s oil, as outlined by John Bolton. Under the last Washington-controlled government in Caracas, poverty reached historic proportions. There was no healthcare for those could not pay. There was no universal education; Mavis Mendez, and millions like her, could not read or write. ** [https://www.counterpunch.org/2019/02/22/the-war-on-venezuela-is-built-on-lies/ "The War on Venezuela is Built on Lies"] ''CounterPunch'' (22 February 2019) *[[Julian Assange|Julian [Assange]]] is a distinguished Australian, who has changed the way many people think about duplicitous governments. For this, he is a political refugee subjected to what the [[United Nations]] calls 'arbitrary detention'. The UN says he has the right of free passage to freedom, but this is denied. He has the right to medical treatment without fear of arrest, but this is denied. He has the right to compensation, but this is denied. As founder and editor of [[WikiLeaks]], his crime has been to make sense of dark times. WikiLeaks has an impeccable record of accuracy and authenticity which no newspaper, no TV channel, no radio station, no BBC, no ''New York Times'', no ''Washington Post'', no ''Guardian'' can equal. Indeed, it shames them. That explains why he is being punished. **[https://www.counterpunch.org/2019/03/04/the-prisoner-says-no-to-big-brother/ "The Prisoner Says No to Big Brother"] ''CounterPunch'' (4 March 2019) *The persecution of [[Julian Assange]] is the conquest of us all: of our independence, our self respect, our intellect, our compassion, our politics, our culture. So stop scrolling. Organise. Occupy. Insist. Persist. Make a noise. Take direct action. Be brave and stay brave. Defy the thought police. War is not peace, freedom is not slavery, ignorance is not strength. If Julian can stand up, so can you: so can all of us. **[https://www.counterpunch.org/2019/03/04/the-prisoner-says-no-to-big-brother/ "The Prisoner Says No to Big Brother"] ''CounterPunch'' (4 March 2019) ===2020=== *On 28 January China said it would welcome international help as it struggled to contain coronavirus. No substantial help has come. Instead of solidarity and defying WHO, the US, Australia, Britain seek to isolate China, returning it to a state of siege and the dangers of the past. **[https://twitter.com/johnpilger/status/1225043791817560064 Twitter] (5 February 2020) *[[2019–20 coronavirus pandemic|'''A pandemic''']] '''has been declared, but not for the 24,600 who die every day from unnecessary starvation, and not for 3,000 children who die every day from preventable malaria, and not for the 10,000 people who die every day because they are denied publicly-funded healthcare, and not for the hundreds of Venezuelans and Iranians who die every day because America's blockade denies them life-saving medicines, and not for the hundreds of mostly children bombed or starved to death every day in Yemen, in a war supplied and kept going, profitably, by America and Britain. Before you panic, consider them.''' **Quoted in [https://www.theweek.in/news/world/2020/03/12/here-is-what-legendary-journalist-john-pilger-said-about-coronavirus-outbreak.html Here is what legendary journalist John Pilger said about coronavirus outbreak] "Pilger decries inattention to hunger, malaria and American wars and blockades" [[w:The Week|''The Week'']], (12 March 2020). *It’s difficult to separate the [[W:Uyghurs|Uygurs]] from the barrage of anti-China denunciations coming from the US, most of which have a script familiar to those who follow America’s 'soft' campaigns against its strategic enemies... The [[Mainstream media|leading US media]] are invariably the [[cipher]]. 'In China, every day is [[w:Kristallnacht|Kristallnacht]]', declared ''The Washington Post'' [last November], likening China’s treatment of the Uygurs to that of the Nazi genocide of the Jews.... That’s not untypical; it reads as if it has been written by the [[w:US Agency for International Development|US Agency for International Development]] or the [[w:National Endowment for Democracy|National Endowment for Democracy]], which fills in for the [[CIA]]. No one doubts the ruthless reaction of Beijing to separatists, but as a reporter, I would like to see for myself.<BR> * I suggest [[w:John_Pilger#The_Dirty_War_on_the_National_Health_Service_(2019)|in ''The Dirty War on the NHS'']] we look beyond this virus and ask how our current state of [[fear]] and its mass [[obedience]] will be exploit­ed in future. Will the workers 'stood down' ever see their jobs again? Will [[artificial intelligence]] consume freedoms that have been suspended? As Edward Snowden says, the disease of mass surveillance will outlast this pandemic. Will Julian Assange [the Australian founder of WikiLeaks], persecuted for the crime of truthful journalism, survive? **[[John Pilger]] quoted in Ed Peters [https://www.scmp.com/magazines/post-magazine/long-reads/article/3083082/john-pilger-50-years-spent-shining-light John Pilger on 50 years spent shining a light into humanity’s darkest corners"] ''South China Morning Post'' ] (9 May 2020). *The coming war on China is likely to happen by mistake or accident as a result of deliberate provocations by the US and its echoes. Under cover of the pandemic, the Trump regime is sending strategic bombers and spy drones within sight of China itself. Our silence is our peril. **[https://twitter.com/johnpilger/status/1273141084500250625 Twitter] (17 June 2020). *Julian #Assange is in solitary, denied visitors. He ordered a radio from the prison catalogue six months ago. A friend also ordered him a radio and the authorities returned it, unopened. Even the Beirut hostages Waite, Keenan and McCarthy listened to a radio. This is torture. **[https://twitter.com/johnpilger/status/1271953789440811009 Twitter] (13 June 2020). *I grew up in the cold war. Third-rate academics and a rag bag of charlatans made fools of themselves with their mighty [[conspiracy theory]] of Chinese (aka the [[w:Yellow Peril|Yellow Peril]]) under our beds. They're back! **[https://twitter.com/johnpilger/status/1273605518532075522 Twitter] (18 June 2020). *The fake "independent institute" promoting the China "threat" in the West is the Australian Strategic Policy Institute, the go-to source for Vichy journalists currently hoodwinking the public. It's exposed [https://www.michaelwest.com.au/independent-think-tank-aspi-behind-push-for-more-defence-spending-rakes-in-advisory-fees/ here] as a front for warmongers and arms companies. **[https://twitter.com/johnpilger/status/1278305945743790080 Twitter] (1 July 2020). *The ruthless sell-off of Britain's National Health Service during Covid by the [[Boris Johnson]] govt is a [[Crimes against humanity|crime against humanity]]. **[https://twitter.com/johnpilger/status/1281223588943626240 Twitter] (9 July 2020). *To quote, without verifiable evidence, "western intelligence sources" is never journalism; it is almost always propaganda. I learned that as a reporter. The cold war drum beat of the BBC and others is leading us to a world war. **[https://twitter.com/johnpilger/status/1285869017412956160 Twitter] (22 July 2020). ==About John Pilger== *Over the course of nearly three-and-a-half months, the novel [[coronavirus]] outbreak has infected over 127,000 and left over 4,700 dead. While this has sparked global panic and a WHO-declaration of a pandemic, then death toll is still a far cry from that of starvation, Malaria and war. This was the point made by BAFTA-award winning journalist and documentary filmmaker John Pilger who took to Facebook on Thursday, to highlight how, despite the fact that 24,600 people died each day from starvation and 3,000 children from preventable Malaria, no pandemic has been declared for them. **[https://www.theweek.in/news/world/2020/03/12/here-is-what-legendary-journalist-john-pilger-said-about-coronavirus-outbreak.html Here is what legendary journalist John Pilger said about coronavirus outbreak] Pilger decries inattention to hunger, malaria and American wars and blockades, [[w:The Week|''The Week'']], (12 March 2020) *His trademark has always been to sidestep the accepted version of the facts, a [[w:modus operandi|modus operandi]] that served him well during the Vietnam war, in the apocalyptic post-Pol Pot Cambodia, the killing fields of East Timor and countless other hotspots... becoming an octogenari­an hasn’t mellowed him in the least. *([[W:John_Pilger#The_Coming_War_on_China_(2016)|''The Coming War on China'']]) was made before news broke of the upheavals in Xinjiang, along with reports that the Uygur minority was being persecuted. Typically, Pilger’s reaction was to avoid instantly pointing a finger at Beijing, and to look for an alternative narrative... The major broadcasters in [[China]] competed to acquire rights to show the film (''The Coming War on China'') ... All I had to do, they said, was remove the Tiananmen Square sequence. Interestingly, the references to dissidents and other critical sections could stay. I said ‘no’ to any changes, and there were no deals. Within a week, [a pirated version] appeared on the internet with Chinese subtitles – including the Tiananmen Square sequence. Then a friend called from Shanghai to say he had bought a DVD of the film in his local shop – unedited and openly on sale.” **[[https://www.scmp.com/magazines/post-magazine/long-reads/article/3083082/john-pilger-50-years-spent-shining-light John Pilger on 50 years spent shining a light into humanity’s darkest corners, Ed Peters, ''South China Morning Post,''] (9 May 2020) ==See also== *[[Mainstream media]] *[[Alternative media]] *[[Internet]] *[[Journalism]] *[[Julian Assange]] *[[Wikileaks]] ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{commons category}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Pilger, John}} [[Category:Journalists from Australia]] [[Category:Investigative journalists]] [[Category:Socialists]] [[Category:1939 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:People from Sydney]] [[Category:Orators]] [[Category:Non-fiction authors from Australia]] ish7n7y65sszc88nu6ewb3367p2lpvs 3152899 3152898 2022-08-09T12:23:54Z Philip Cross 7192 /* Quotes */ rearrangement for chronology wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:John Pilger in August 2011.jpg|thumb|John Pilger]] [[File:John Pilger with Russell Skelton - Understand This (8056103133).jpg|thumb|Many journalists now are no more than channelers and echoers of what [[George Orwell]] called the 'official truth'. They simply cipher and transmit lies.]] '''[[w:John Pilger|John Richard Pilger]]''' (born [[9 October]] [[1939]]) is an Australian journalist and broadcaster/documentary maker based in London and Sydney. ==Quotes== === 1998 === * It is not enough for [[journalists]] to see themselves as mere messengers without [[understanding]] the [[w:hidden agenda|hidden agenda]]s of the message and the myths that surround it. ** John Pilger, ''Hidden Agendas'' (1998). === 2001 === * On the [[September 11 attacks]]: In these surreal days, there is one truth. Nothing justified the killing of innocent people in America last week and nothing justifies the killing of innocent people anywhere else. ** John Pilger, [http://www.guardian.co.uk/wtccrash/story/0,1300,555452,00.html "Blair has made Britain a target"] ''The Guardian'' (21 September 2001). * More [[terrorist]]s are given training and sanctuary in the United States than anywhere on earth. They include mass murderers, [[torture]]rs, former and future [[tyrant]]s and assorted international criminals. This is virtually unknown to the American public, thanks to the freest media on earth. * During my lifetime, America has been constantly waging war against much of humanity: impoverished people mostly, in stricken places. ** John Pilger, [http://www.guardian.co.uk/wtccrash/story/0,1300,555452,00.html "Blair has made Britain a target"] ''The Guardian'' (21 September 2001). === 2002 === * There is no War on Terrorism; it is [[The Great Game]] speeded up. The difference is the rampant nature of the [[superpower]], ensuring infinite dangers for us all. ** John Pilger [https://www.theguardian.com/world/2002/jul/14/usa.terrorism "The great charade"] ''The Guardian'' (14 July 2002). * Many journalists now are no more than channelers and echoers of what [[George Orwell]] called the 'official truth'. They simply cipher and transmit lies. It really grieves me that so many of my fellow journalists can be so manipulated that they become really what the French describe as 'functionaires', functionaries, not journalists. Many journalists become very defensive when you suggest to them that they are anything but impartial and objective. The problem with those words 'impartiality' and 'objectivity' is that they have lost their dictionary meaning. They've been taken over... [they] now mean the establishment point of view... Journalists don't sit down and think, 'I'm now going to speak for the establishment.' Of course not. But they internalise a whole set of assumptions, and one of the most potent assumptions is that the world should be seen in terms of its usefulness to the West, not humanity. ** The Progressive, [http://www.progressive.org/nov02/intv1102.html "Interview with John Pilger"] (November 2002). === 2005 === * If those who support aggressive war had seen a fraction of what I've seen, if they'd watched children fry to death from [[Napalm]] and bleed to death from a [[cluster bomb]], they might not utter the claptrap they do. ** John Pilger, [http://www.guardian.co.uk/media/2005/nov/13/pressandpublishing.observermagazine "This Much I know"] ''The Observer'' (13 November 2005). * The impact of the human tragedies I've reported on is that, more often than not, I'll be angry. I want to know why is this child dying? These are not acts of God; they're results of respectable politicians' decisions. ** John Pilger, [http://www.guardian.co.uk/media/2005/nov/13/pressandpublishing.observermagazine "This Much I know"] ''The Observer'' (13 November 2005). * When governments and other vested interests attack me personally I usually regard it as a vindication, otherwise they would use facts. That's why I believe in the wonderful [[Claud Cockburn]] dictum, 'Never believe anything until it is officially denied.' It has certainly been my experience. ** John Pilger, [http://www.guardian.co.uk/media/2005/nov/13/pressandpublishing.observermagazine "This Much I know"] ''The Observer'' (13 November 2005). * I love irony in pictures. There's one photograph from Vietnam by [[Philip Jones Griffiths]] that shows a very large GI having his pocket picked by a tiny Vietnamese woman. It told the whole story of the clash of two cultures and how the invader could never win. ** John Pilger, [http://www.guardian.co.uk/media/2005/nov/13/pressandpublishing.observermagazine "This Much I Know"] ''The Observer'' (13 November 2005). === 2007 === * The censorship is such on television in the US that films like mine don't stand a chance. ** (2002) {{cite web|author=author |url=http://www.sprword.com/mustwatch.html |title=Must Watch - Sprword.com - Spread the Word |publisher=Sprword.com |date=13 February 2007 |access-date=14 January 2010}} === 2009 === * [On [[Barack Obama]]:] No one knew what the new brand actually stood for. So accomplished was the advertising (a record $75m was spent on television commercials alone) that many Americans actually believed Obama shared their opposition to Bush’s wars. In fact, he had repeatedly backed Bush’s warmongering and its congressional funding. Many Americans also believed he was the heir to Martin Luther King’s legacy of anti-colonialism. Yet if Obama had a theme at all, apart from the vacuous 'Change you can believe in,' it was the renewal of America as a dominant, avaricious bully. 'We will be the most powerful,' he often declared. ** John Pilger, [http://www.newstatesman.com/north-america/2009/05/barack-obama-pilger-bush "The Madmen Did Well"] ''New Statesman'' (30 April 2009). * We are beckoned to see the world through a one-way mirror, as if we are threatened and innocent and the rest of humanity is threatening, or wretched, or expendable. Our memory is struggling to rescue the truth that human rights were not handed down as privileges from a parliament, or a boardroom, or an institution, but that peace is only possible with justice and with information that gives us the power to act justly. ** John Pilger, Sydney Peace Prize acceptance speech, University of Sydney (4 November 2009). * The major western democracies are moving towards corporatism. Democracy has become a business plan, with a bottom line for every human activity, every dream, every decency, every hope. The main parliamentary parties are now devoted to the same economic policies&nbsp;— socialism for the rich, capitalism for the poor&nbsp;— and the same foreign policy of servility to endless war. This is not democracy. It is to politics what McDonalds is to food. ** John Pilger, [http://johnpilger.com/articles/breaking-the-great-australian-silence Sydney Peace Prize address], Sydney Opera House (5 November 2009). === 2010 === * We journalists... have to be brave enough to defy those who seek our collusion in selling their latest bloody adventure in someone else's country... That means always challenging the official story, however patriotic that story may appear, however seductive and insidious it is. For propaganda relies on us in the media to aim its deceptions not at a far away country but at you at home... In this age of endless imperial war, the lives of countless men, women and children depend on the truth or their blood is on us... Those whose job it is to keep the record straight ought to be the voice of people, not power. ** ''The War You Don't See'' ITV (UK) (14 December 2010). === 2018 === * [[WikiLeaks]] has achieved far more than what The New York Times and The Washington Post in their celebrated incarnations did. No newspaper has come close to matching the secrets and lies of power that Assange and Snowden have disclosed. That both men are fugitives is indicative of the retreat of liberal democracies from principles of freedom and justice. Why is WikiLeaks a landmark in journalism? Because its revelations have told us, with 100 per cent accuracy, how and why much of the world is divided and run. **Quoted in [https://frontline.thehindu.com/cover-story/article25661115.ece "New Cold War & looming threats"] ''Frontline: The Hindu'' (India) (21 December 2018). * I wasn’t “harsh” towards Obama. It was Obama who was harsh towards much of humanity, contrary to his often absurd media image. Obama was one of the most violent U.S. Presidents. He launched or sustained seven wars and left office with none resolved: a record. In his last year as President, 2016, according to the Council on Foreign Relations, he dropped 26,171 bombs. It’s an interesting statistic; it’s three bombs every hour, 24 hours a day, on mostly civilians. The bombing technique Obama made his own was assassination by drone. Every Tuesday, reported ''The New York Times'', he selected the names of those who would die in a “programme” of extrajudicial murder. All males of military age in Yemen and the frontiers of Pakistan were considered fair game. He increased America’s special forces operations around the world, notably in Africa. Along with France and Britain, he and his Secretary of State Hillary Clinton destroyed Libya as a modern state on the false and familiar pretext that its leader was about to conduct a massacre of “innocents”. This led directly to the growth of the medievalists of ISIS [or Islamic State] and a stampede of immigration from Africa to Europe. He overthrew the democratically elected President of Ukraine and installed an openly fascist-backed regime—as a deliberate provocation to Russia. **Quoted in [https://frontline.thehindu.com/cover-story/article25661115.ece ''New Cold War & looming threats, ''Frontline: The Hindu'' (India) (21 December 2018) === 2019 === *'''Journalists can help people by telling the truth, or by as much truth as they can find, and acting not as agents of governments, of power, but of people. That is real journalism. The rest is specious and false.''' *When I began as a journalist, especially as a foreign correspondent, the press in the UK was conservative and owned by powerful establishment forces, as it is now. But the difference compared to today is that there were spaces for independent journalism that dissented from the received 'wisdom' of authority. That space has now all but closed and independent journalists have gone to the internet, or to a metaphoric underground. *The single biggest challenge is rescuing journalism from its deferential role as the stenographer of great power. The United States has constitutionally the freest press on earth, yet in practice it has a media obsequious to the formulas and deceptions of power. That is why the US was effectively given media approval to invade Iraq, and Libya, and Syria and dozens of other countries. **[https://www.thedailystar.net/opinion/interviews/news/real-journalists-act-agents-people-not-power-1687921 "Real journalists act as agents of people, not power"] ''Daily Star'' (Bangladesh) (16 January 2019). *WikiLeaks is possibly the most exciting development in journalism in my lifetime. As an [[investigative journalism|investigative journalist]], I have often had to rely on the courageous, principled acts of whistle-blowers. The truth about the Vietnam War was told when [[Daniel Ellsberg]] leaked the Pentagon Papers. The truth about Iraq and Afghanistan, and Saudi Arabia and many other flashpoints was told when WikiLeaks published the revelations of whistle-blowers. *When you consider that 100 percent of [[WikiLeaks]] leaks are authentic and accurate, you can understand the impact, as well as the fury generated among secretive powerful forces. Julian Assange is a political refugee in London for one reason only: WikiLeaks told the truth about the greatest crimes of the 21st century. He is not forgiven for that, and he should be supported by journalists and by people everywhere. **[https://www.thedailystar.net/opinion/interviews/news/real-journalists-act-agents-people-not-power-1687921 "Real journalists act as agents of people, not power"] ''Daily Star'' (Bangladesh) (16 January 2019) *Since [[Hugo Chavez|Chavez]]’s death in 2013, his successor [[Nicolás Maduro|Nicolas Maduro]] has shed his derisory label in [[Mainstream media|the Western press]] as a 'former bus driver' and [[w:vilified|become]] Saddam Hussein incarnate.... As the journalist and film-maker [[w:Pablo Navarrete|Pablo Navarrete]] reported this week, [[Venezuela]] is not the catastrophe it has been painted. 'There is food everywhere,' he wrote. 'I have filmed lots of videos of food in markets [all over Caracas] … it’s Friday night and the restaurants are full.' * In the pages of [[Mainstream media|liberal newspapers in the West]], race and class are two words almost never uttered in the mendacious “coverage” of Washington’s latest, most naked attempt to grab the world’s greatest source of oil and reclaim its “backyard”. For all the chavistas’ faults — such as allowing the Venezuelan economy to become hostage to the fortunes of oil and never seriously challenging big capital and corruption — they brought social justice and pride to millions of people and they did it with unprecedented democracy. ** [https://www.counterpunch.org/2019/02/22/the-war-on-venezuela-is-built-on-lies/ "The War on Venezuela is Built on Lies"] ''{{w:CounterPunch|Counterpunch}}'' (22 February 2019) *Should the CIA stooge Guaido and his white supremacists grab power, it will be the 68th overthrow of a sovereign government by the United States, most of them democracies. A fire sale of Venezuela’s utilities and mineral wealth will surely follow, along with the theft of the country’s oil, as outlined by John Bolton. Under the last Washington-controlled government in Caracas, poverty reached historic proportions. There was no healthcare for those could not pay. There was no universal education; Mavis Mendez, and millions like her, could not read or write. ** [https://www.counterpunch.org/2019/02/22/the-war-on-venezuela-is-built-on-lies/ "The War on Venezuela is Built on Lies"] ''CounterPunch'' (22 February 2019) *[[Julian Assange|Julian [Assange]]] is a distinguished Australian, who has changed the way many people think about duplicitous governments. For this, he is a political refugee subjected to what the [[United Nations]] calls 'arbitrary detention'. The UN says he has the right of free passage to freedom, but this is denied. He has the right to medical treatment without fear of arrest, but this is denied. He has the right to compensation, but this is denied. As founder and editor of [[WikiLeaks]], his crime has been to make sense of dark times. WikiLeaks has an impeccable record of accuracy and authenticity which no newspaper, no TV channel, no radio station, no BBC, no ''New York Times'', no ''Washington Post'', no ''Guardian'' can equal. Indeed, it shames them. That explains why he is being punished. **[https://www.counterpunch.org/2019/03/04/the-prisoner-says-no-to-big-brother/ "The Prisoner Says No to Big Brother"] ''CounterPunch'' (4 March 2019) *The persecution of [[Julian Assange]] is the conquest of us all: of our independence, our self respect, our intellect, our compassion, our politics, our culture. So stop scrolling. Organise. Occupy. Insist. Persist. Make a noise. Take direct action. Be brave and stay brave. Defy the thought police. War is not peace, freedom is not slavery, ignorance is not strength. If Julian can stand up, so can you: so can all of us. **[https://www.counterpunch.org/2019/03/04/the-prisoner-says-no-to-big-brother/ "The Prisoner Says No to Big Brother"] ''CounterPunch'' (4 March 2019) ===2020=== *On 28 January China said it would welcome international help as it struggled to contain coronavirus. No substantial help has come. Instead of solidarity and defying WHO, the US, Australia, Britain seek to isolate China, returning it to a state of siege and the dangers of the past. **[https://twitter.com/johnpilger/status/1225043791817560064 Twitter] (5 February 2020) *[[2019–20 coronavirus pandemic|'''A pandemic''']] '''has been declared, but not for the 24,600 who die every day from unnecessary starvation, and not for 3,000 children who die every day from preventable malaria, and not for the 10,000 people who die every day because they are denied publicly-funded healthcare, and not for the hundreds of Venezuelans and Iranians who die every day because America's blockade denies them life-saving medicines, and not for the hundreds of mostly children bombed or starved to death every day in Yemen, in a war supplied and kept going, profitably, by America and Britain. Before you panic, consider them.''' **Quoted in [https://www.theweek.in/news/world/2020/03/12/here-is-what-legendary-journalist-john-pilger-said-about-coronavirus-outbreak.html Here is what legendary journalist John Pilger said about coronavirus outbreak] "Pilger decries inattention to hunger, malaria and American wars and blockades" [[w:The Week|''The Week'']], (12 March 2020). *It’s difficult to separate the [[W:Uyghurs|Uygurs]] from the barrage of anti-China denunciations coming from the US, most of which have a script familiar to those who follow America’s 'soft' campaigns against its strategic enemies... The [[Mainstream media|leading US media]] are invariably the [[cipher]]. 'In China, every day is [[w:Kristallnacht|Kristallnacht]]', declared ''The Washington Post'' [last November], likening China’s treatment of the Uygurs to that of the Nazi genocide of the Jews.... That’s not untypical; it reads as if it has been written by the [[w:US Agency for International Development|US Agency for International Development]] or the [[w:National Endowment for Democracy|National Endowment for Democracy]], which fills in for the [[CIA]]. No one doubts the ruthless reaction of Beijing to separatists, but as a reporter, I would like to see for myself.<BR> * I suggest [[w:John_Pilger#The_Dirty_War_on_the_National_Health_Service_(2019)|in ''The Dirty War on the NHS'']] we look beyond this virus and ask how our current state of [[fear]] and its mass [[obedience]] will be exploit­ed in future. Will the workers 'stood down' ever see their jobs again? Will [[artificial intelligence]] consume freedoms that have been suspended? As Edward Snowden says, the disease of mass surveillance will outlast this pandemic. Will Julian Assange [the Australian founder of WikiLeaks], persecuted for the crime of truthful journalism, survive? **[[John Pilger]] quoted in Ed Peters [https://www.scmp.com/magazines/post-magazine/long-reads/article/3083082/john-pilger-50-years-spent-shining-light John Pilger on 50 years spent shining a light into humanity’s darkest corners"] ''South China Morning Post'' ] (9 May 2020). *The coming war on China is likely to happen by mistake or accident as a result of deliberate provocations by the US and its echoes. Under cover of the pandemic, the Trump regime is sending strategic bombers and spy drones within sight of China itself. Our silence is our peril. **[https://twitter.com/johnpilger/status/1273141084500250625 Twitter] (17 June 2020). *Julian #Assange is in solitary, denied visitors. He ordered a radio from the prison catalogue six months ago. A friend also ordered him a radio and the authorities returned it, unopened. Even the Beirut hostages Waite, Keenan and McCarthy listened to a radio. This is torture. **[https://twitter.com/johnpilger/status/1271953789440811009 Twitter] (13 June 2020). *I grew up in the cold war. Third-rate academics and a rag bag of charlatans made fools of themselves with their mighty [[conspiracy theory]] of Chinese (aka the [[w:Yellow Peril|Yellow Peril]]) under our beds. They're back! **[https://twitter.com/johnpilger/status/1273605518532075522 Twitter] (18 June 2020). *The fake "independent institute" promoting the China "threat" in the West is the Australian Strategic Policy Institute, the go-to source for Vichy journalists currently hoodwinking the public. It's exposed [https://www.michaelwest.com.au/independent-think-tank-aspi-behind-push-for-more-defence-spending-rakes-in-advisory-fees/ here] as a front for warmongers and arms companies. **[https://twitter.com/johnpilger/status/1278305945743790080 Twitter] (1 July 2020). *The ruthless sell-off of Britain's National Health Service during Covid by the [[Boris Johnson]] govt is a [[Crimes against humanity|crime against humanity]]. **[https://twitter.com/johnpilger/status/1281223588943626240 Twitter] (9 July 2020). *To quote, without verifiable evidence, "western intelligence sources" is never journalism; it is almost always propaganda. I learned that as a reporter. The cold war drum beat of the BBC and others is leading us to a world war. **[https://twitter.com/johnpilger/status/1285869017412956160 Twitter] (22 July 2020). ==About John Pilger== *Over the course of nearly three-and-a-half months, the novel [[coronavirus]] outbreak has infected over 127,000 and left over 4,700 dead. While this has sparked global panic and a WHO-declaration of a pandemic, then death toll is still a far cry from that of starvation, Malaria and war. This was the point made by BAFTA-award winning journalist and documentary filmmaker John Pilger who took to Facebook on Thursday, to highlight how, despite the fact that 24,600 people died each day from starvation and 3,000 children from preventable Malaria, no pandemic has been declared for them. **[https://www.theweek.in/news/world/2020/03/12/here-is-what-legendary-journalist-john-pilger-said-about-coronavirus-outbreak.html Here is what legendary journalist John Pilger said about coronavirus outbreak] Pilger decries inattention to hunger, malaria and American wars and blockades, [[w:The Week|''The Week'']], (12 March 2020) *His trademark has always been to sidestep the accepted version of the facts, a [[w:modus operandi|modus operandi]] that served him well during the Vietnam war, in the apocalyptic post-Pol Pot Cambodia, the killing fields of East Timor and countless other hotspots... becoming an octogenari­an hasn’t mellowed him in the least. *([[W:John_Pilger#The_Coming_War_on_China_(2016)|''The Coming War on China'']]) was made before news broke of the upheavals in Xinjiang, along with reports that the Uygur minority was being persecuted. Typically, Pilger’s reaction was to avoid instantly pointing a finger at Beijing, and to look for an alternative narrative... The major broadcasters in [[China]] competed to acquire rights to show the film (''The Coming War on China'') ... All I had to do, they said, was remove the Tiananmen Square sequence. Interestingly, the references to dissidents and other critical sections could stay. I said ‘no’ to any changes, and there were no deals. Within a week, [a pirated version] appeared on the internet with Chinese subtitles – including the Tiananmen Square sequence. Then a friend called from Shanghai to say he had bought a DVD of the film in his local shop – unedited and openly on sale.” **[[https://www.scmp.com/magazines/post-magazine/long-reads/article/3083082/john-pilger-50-years-spent-shining-light John Pilger on 50 years spent shining a light into humanity’s darkest corners, Ed Peters, ''South China Morning Post,''] (9 May 2020) ==See also== *[[Mainstream media]] *[[Alternative media]] *[[Internet]] *[[Journalism]] *[[Julian Assange]] *[[Wikileaks]] ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{commons category}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Pilger, John}} [[Category:Journalists from Australia]] [[Category:Investigative journalists]] [[Category:Socialists]] [[Category:1939 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:People from Sydney]] [[Category:Orators]] [[Category:Non-fiction authors from Australia]] sedwbybo6c0sr68faynjxmnvtk7kcia 3152904 3152899 2022-08-09T12:39:46Z Philip Cross 7192 corrected provenance of quote wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:John Pilger in August 2011.jpg|thumb|John Pilger]] [[File:John Pilger with Russell Skelton - Understand This (8056103133).jpg|thumb|Many journalists now are no more than channelers and echoers of what [[George Orwell]] called the 'official truth'. They simply cipher and transmit lies.]] '''[[w:John Pilger|John Richard Pilger]]''' (born [[9 October]] [[1939]]) is an Australian journalist and broadcaster/documentary maker based in London and Sydney. ==Quotes== === 1998 === * It is not enough for [[journalists]] to see themselves as mere messengers without [[understanding]] the [[w:hidden agenda|hidden agenda]]s of the message and the myths that surround it. ** ''Hidden Agendas'' (1998). === 2001 === * On the [[September 11 attacks]]: In these surreal days, there is one truth. Nothing justified the killing of innocent people in America last week and nothing justifies the killing of innocent people anywhere else. ** [http://www.guardian.co.uk/wtccrash/story/0,1300,555452,00.html "Blair has made Britain a target"] ''The Guardian'' (21 September 2001). * More [[terrorist]]s are given training and sanctuary in the United States than anywhere on earth. They include mass murderers, [[torture]]rs, former and future [[tyrant]]s and assorted international criminals. This is virtually unknown to the American public, thanks to the freest media on earth. * During my lifetime, America has been constantly waging war against much of humanity: impoverished people mostly, in stricken places. ** [http://www.guardian.co.uk/wtccrash/story/0,1300,555452,00.html "Blair has made Britain a target"] ''The Guardian'' (21 September 2001). === 2002 === * There is no War on Terrorism; it is [[The Great Game]] speeded up. The difference is the rampant nature of the [[superpower]], ensuring infinite dangers for us all. ** [https://www.theguardian.com/world/2002/jul/14/usa.terrorism "The great charade"] ''The Guardian'' (14 July 2002). * Many journalists now are no more than channelers and echoers of what [[George Orwell]] called the 'official truth'. They simply cipher and transmit lies. It really grieves me that so many of my fellow journalists can be so manipulated that they become really what the French describe as 'functionaires', functionaries, not journalists. Many journalists become very defensive when you suggest to them that they are anything but impartial and objective. The problem with those words 'impartiality' and 'objectivity' is that they have lost their dictionary meaning. They've been taken over... [they] now mean the establishment point of view... Journalists don't sit down and think, 'I'm now going to speak for the establishment.' Of course not. But they internalise a whole set of assumptions, and one of the most potent assumptions is that the world should be seen in terms of its usefulness to the West, not humanity. ** [http://www.progressive.org/nov02/intv1102.html "Interview with John Pilger"] ''The Progressive'' (November 2002). === 2005 === * If those who support aggressive war had seen a fraction of what I've seen, if they'd watched children fry to death from [[Napalm]] and bleed to death from a [[cluster bomb]], they might not utter the claptrap they do. ** [http://www.guardian.co.uk/media/2005/nov/13/pressandpublishing.observermagazine "This Much I know"] ''The Observer'' (13 November 2005). * The impact of the human tragedies I've reported on is that, more often than not, I'll be angry. I want to know why is this child dying? These are not acts of God; they're results of respectable politicians' decisions. ** [http://www.guardian.co.uk/media/2005/nov/13/pressandpublishing.observermagazine "This Much I know"] ''The Observer'' (13 November 2005). * When governments and other vested interests attack me personally I usually regard it as a vindication, otherwise they would use facts. That's why I believe in the wonderful [[Claud Cockburn]] dictum, 'Never believe anything until it is officially denied.' It has certainly been my experience. ** [http://www.guardian.co.uk/media/2005/nov/13/pressandpublishing.observermagazine "This Much I know"] ''The Observer'' (13 November 2005). * I love irony in pictures. There's one photograph from Vietnam by [[Philip Jones Griffiths]] that shows a very large GI having his pocket picked by a tiny Vietnamese woman. It told the whole story of the clash of two cultures and how the invader could never win. ** [http://www.guardian.co.uk/media/2005/nov/13/pressandpublishing.observermagazine "This Much I Know"] ''The Observer'' (13 November 2005). === 2003 === * The censorship is such on television in the US that films like mine don't stand a chance. ** cited by David Barsamian in [https://www.google.co.uk/books/edition/Louder_Than_Bombs/zWQkIPrIAAsC?hl=en&gbpv=1&dq=%22censorship+is+such+on+television+in+the+U.S.+that+films+like+mine+don%27t+stand+a+chance%22&pg=PA34&printsec=frontcover ''Louder Than Bombs: Interviews from the Progressive Magazine''] p. 34 (2004) from interview on <!-- Identified as the day before the 15 February 2003 anti-war protests -->14 February 2003. === 2009 === * [On [[Barack Obama]]:] No one knew what the new brand actually stood for. So accomplished was the advertising (a record $75m was spent on television commercials alone) that many Americans actually believed Obama shared their opposition to Bush’s wars. In fact, he had repeatedly backed Bush’s warmongering and its congressional funding. Many Americans also believed he was the heir to Martin Luther King’s legacy of anti-colonialism. Yet if Obama had a theme at all, apart from the vacuous 'Change you can believe in,' it was the renewal of America as a dominant, avaricious bully. 'We will be the most powerful,' he often declared. ** John Pilger, [http://www.newstatesman.com/north-america/2009/05/barack-obama-pilger-bush "The Madmen Did Well"] ''New Statesman'' (30 April 2009). * We are beckoned to see the world through a one-way mirror, as if we are threatened and innocent and the rest of humanity is threatening, or wretched, or expendable. Our memory is struggling to rescue the truth that human rights were not handed down as privileges from a parliament, or a boardroom, or an institution, but that peace is only possible with justice and with information that gives us the power to act justly. ** John Pilger, Sydney Peace Prize acceptance speech, University of Sydney (4 November 2009). * The major western democracies are moving towards corporatism. Democracy has become a business plan, with a bottom line for every human activity, every dream, every decency, every hope. The main parliamentary parties are now devoted to the same economic policies&nbsp;— socialism for the rich, capitalism for the poor&nbsp;— and the same foreign policy of servility to endless war. This is not democracy. It is to politics what McDonalds is to food. ** John Pilger, [http://johnpilger.com/articles/breaking-the-great-australian-silence Sydney Peace Prize address], Sydney Opera House (5 November 2009). === 2010 === * We journalists... have to be brave enough to defy those who seek our collusion in selling their latest bloody adventure in someone else's country... That means always challenging the official story, however patriotic that story may appear, however seductive and insidious it is. For propaganda relies on us in the media to aim its deceptions not at a far away country but at you at home... In this age of endless imperial war, the lives of countless men, women and children depend on the truth or their blood is on us... Those whose job it is to keep the record straight ought to be the voice of people, not power. ** ''The War You Don't See'' ITV (UK) (14 December 2010). === 2018 === * [[WikiLeaks]] has achieved far more than what The New York Times and The Washington Post in their celebrated incarnations did. No newspaper has come close to matching the secrets and lies of power that Assange and Snowden have disclosed. That both men are fugitives is indicative of the retreat of liberal democracies from principles of freedom and justice. Why is WikiLeaks a landmark in journalism? Because its revelations have told us, with 100 per cent accuracy, how and why much of the world is divided and run. **Quoted in [https://frontline.thehindu.com/cover-story/article25661115.ece "New Cold War & looming threats"] ''Frontline: The Hindu'' (India) (21 December 2018). * I wasn’t “harsh” towards Obama. It was Obama who was harsh towards much of humanity, contrary to his often absurd media image. Obama was one of the most violent U.S. Presidents. He launched or sustained seven wars and left office with none resolved: a record. In his last year as President, 2016, according to the Council on Foreign Relations, he dropped 26,171 bombs. It’s an interesting statistic; it’s three bombs every hour, 24 hours a day, on mostly civilians. The bombing technique Obama made his own was assassination by drone. Every Tuesday, reported ''The New York Times'', he selected the names of those who would die in a “programme” of extrajudicial murder. All males of military age in Yemen and the frontiers of Pakistan were considered fair game. He increased America’s special forces operations around the world, notably in Africa. Along with France and Britain, he and his Secretary of State Hillary Clinton destroyed Libya as a modern state on the false and familiar pretext that its leader was about to conduct a massacre of “innocents”. This led directly to the growth of the medievalists of ISIS [or Islamic State] and a stampede of immigration from Africa to Europe. He overthrew the democratically elected President of Ukraine and installed an openly fascist-backed regime—as a deliberate provocation to Russia. **Quoted in [https://frontline.thehindu.com/cover-story/article25661115.ece ''New Cold War & looming threats, ''Frontline: The Hindu'' (India) (21 December 2018) === 2019 === *'''Journalists can help people by telling the truth, or by as much truth as they can find, and acting not as agents of governments, of power, but of people. That is real journalism. The rest is specious and false.''' *When I began as a journalist, especially as a foreign correspondent, the press in the UK was conservative and owned by powerful establishment forces, as it is now. But the difference compared to today is that there were spaces for independent journalism that dissented from the received 'wisdom' of authority. That space has now all but closed and independent journalists have gone to the internet, or to a metaphoric underground. *The single biggest challenge is rescuing journalism from its deferential role as the stenographer of great power. The United States has constitutionally the freest press on earth, yet in practice it has a media obsequious to the formulas and deceptions of power. That is why the US was effectively given media approval to invade Iraq, and Libya, and Syria and dozens of other countries. **[https://www.thedailystar.net/opinion/interviews/news/real-journalists-act-agents-people-not-power-1687921 "Real journalists act as agents of people, not power"] ''Daily Star'' (Bangladesh) (16 January 2019). *WikiLeaks is possibly the most exciting development in journalism in my lifetime. As an [[investigative journalism|investigative journalist]], I have often had to rely on the courageous, principled acts of whistle-blowers. The truth about the Vietnam War was told when [[Daniel Ellsberg]] leaked the Pentagon Papers. The truth about Iraq and Afghanistan, and Saudi Arabia and many other flashpoints was told when WikiLeaks published the revelations of whistle-blowers. *When you consider that 100 percent of [[WikiLeaks]] leaks are authentic and accurate, you can understand the impact, as well as the fury generated among secretive powerful forces. Julian Assange is a political refugee in London for one reason only: WikiLeaks told the truth about the greatest crimes of the 21st century. He is not forgiven for that, and he should be supported by journalists and by people everywhere. **[https://www.thedailystar.net/opinion/interviews/news/real-journalists-act-agents-people-not-power-1687921 "Real journalists act as agents of people, not power"] ''Daily Star'' (Bangladesh) (16 January 2019) *Since [[Hugo Chavez|Chavez]]’s death in 2013, his successor [[Nicolás Maduro|Nicolas Maduro]] has shed his derisory label in [[Mainstream media|the Western press]] as a 'former bus driver' and [[w:vilified|become]] Saddam Hussein incarnate.... As the journalist and film-maker [[w:Pablo Navarrete|Pablo Navarrete]] reported this week, [[Venezuela]] is not the catastrophe it has been painted. 'There is food everywhere,' he wrote. 'I have filmed lots of videos of food in markets [all over Caracas] … it’s Friday night and the restaurants are full.' * In the pages of [[Mainstream media|liberal newspapers in the West]], race and class are two words almost never uttered in the mendacious “coverage” of Washington’s latest, most naked attempt to grab the world’s greatest source of oil and reclaim its “backyard”. For all the chavistas’ faults — such as allowing the Venezuelan economy to become hostage to the fortunes of oil and never seriously challenging big capital and corruption — they brought social justice and pride to millions of people and they did it with unprecedented democracy. ** [https://www.counterpunch.org/2019/02/22/the-war-on-venezuela-is-built-on-lies/ "The War on Venezuela is Built on Lies"] ''{{w:CounterPunch|Counterpunch}}'' (22 February 2019) *Should the CIA stooge Guaido and his white supremacists grab power, it will be the 68th overthrow of a sovereign government by the United States, most of them democracies. A fire sale of Venezuela’s utilities and mineral wealth will surely follow, along with the theft of the country’s oil, as outlined by John Bolton. Under the last Washington-controlled government in Caracas, poverty reached historic proportions. There was no healthcare for those could not pay. There was no universal education; Mavis Mendez, and millions like her, could not read or write. ** [https://www.counterpunch.org/2019/02/22/the-war-on-venezuela-is-built-on-lies/ "The War on Venezuela is Built on Lies"] ''CounterPunch'' (22 February 2019) *[[Julian Assange|Julian [Assange]]] is a distinguished Australian, who has changed the way many people think about duplicitous governments. For this, he is a political refugee subjected to what the [[United Nations]] calls 'arbitrary detention'. The UN says he has the right of free passage to freedom, but this is denied. He has the right to medical treatment without fear of arrest, but this is denied. He has the right to compensation, but this is denied. As founder and editor of [[WikiLeaks]], his crime has been to make sense of dark times. WikiLeaks has an impeccable record of accuracy and authenticity which no newspaper, no TV channel, no radio station, no BBC, no ''New York Times'', no ''Washington Post'', no ''Guardian'' can equal. Indeed, it shames them. That explains why he is being punished. **[https://www.counterpunch.org/2019/03/04/the-prisoner-says-no-to-big-brother/ "The Prisoner Says No to Big Brother"] ''CounterPunch'' (4 March 2019) *The persecution of [[Julian Assange]] is the conquest of us all: of our independence, our self respect, our intellect, our compassion, our politics, our culture. So stop scrolling. Organise. Occupy. Insist. Persist. Make a noise. Take direct action. Be brave and stay brave. Defy the thought police. War is not peace, freedom is not slavery, ignorance is not strength. If Julian can stand up, so can you: so can all of us. **[https://www.counterpunch.org/2019/03/04/the-prisoner-says-no-to-big-brother/ "The Prisoner Says No to Big Brother"] ''CounterPunch'' (4 March 2019) ===2020=== *On 28 January China said it would welcome international help as it struggled to contain coronavirus. No substantial help has come. Instead of solidarity and defying WHO, the US, Australia, Britain seek to isolate China, returning it to a state of siege and the dangers of the past. **[https://twitter.com/johnpilger/status/1225043791817560064 Twitter] (5 February 2020) *[[2019–20 coronavirus pandemic|'''A pandemic''']] '''has been declared, but not for the 24,600 who die every day from unnecessary starvation, and not for 3,000 children who die every day from preventable malaria, and not for the 10,000 people who die every day because they are denied publicly-funded healthcare, and not for the hundreds of Venezuelans and Iranians who die every day because America's blockade denies them life-saving medicines, and not for the hundreds of mostly children bombed or starved to death every day in Yemen, in a war supplied and kept going, profitably, by America and Britain. Before you panic, consider them.''' **Quoted in [https://www.theweek.in/news/world/2020/03/12/here-is-what-legendary-journalist-john-pilger-said-about-coronavirus-outbreak.html Here is what legendary journalist John Pilger said about coronavirus outbreak] "Pilger decries inattention to hunger, malaria and American wars and blockades" [[w:The Week|''The Week'']], (12 March 2020). *It’s difficult to separate the [[W:Uyghurs|Uygurs]] from the barrage of anti-China denunciations coming from the US, most of which have a script familiar to those who follow America’s 'soft' campaigns against its strategic enemies... The [[Mainstream media|leading US media]] are invariably the [[cipher]]. 'In China, every day is [[w:Kristallnacht|Kristallnacht]]', declared ''The Washington Post'' [last November], likening China’s treatment of the Uygurs to that of the Nazi genocide of the Jews.... That’s not untypical; it reads as if it has been written by the [[w:US Agency for International Development|US Agency for International Development]] or the [[w:National Endowment for Democracy|National Endowment for Democracy]], which fills in for the [[CIA]]. No one doubts the ruthless reaction of Beijing to separatists, but as a reporter, I would like to see for myself.<BR> * I suggest [[w:John_Pilger#The_Dirty_War_on_the_National_Health_Service_(2019)|in ''The Dirty War on the NHS'']] we look beyond this virus and ask how our current state of [[fear]] and its mass [[obedience]] will be exploit­ed in future. Will the workers 'stood down' ever see their jobs again? Will [[artificial intelligence]] consume freedoms that have been suspended? As Edward Snowden says, the disease of mass surveillance will outlast this pandemic. Will Julian Assange [the Australian founder of WikiLeaks], persecuted for the crime of truthful journalism, survive? **[[John Pilger]] quoted in Ed Peters [https://www.scmp.com/magazines/post-magazine/long-reads/article/3083082/john-pilger-50-years-spent-shining-light John Pilger on 50 years spent shining a light into humanity’s darkest corners"] ''South China Morning Post'' ] (9 May 2020). *The coming war on China is likely to happen by mistake or accident as a result of deliberate provocations by the US and its echoes. Under cover of the pandemic, the Trump regime is sending strategic bombers and spy drones within sight of China itself. Our silence is our peril. **[https://twitter.com/johnpilger/status/1273141084500250625 Twitter] (17 June 2020). *Julian #Assange is in solitary, denied visitors. He ordered a radio from the prison catalogue six months ago. A friend also ordered him a radio and the authorities returned it, unopened. Even the Beirut hostages Waite, Keenan and McCarthy listened to a radio. This is torture. **[https://twitter.com/johnpilger/status/1271953789440811009 Twitter] (13 June 2020). *I grew up in the cold war. Third-rate academics and a rag bag of charlatans made fools of themselves with their mighty [[conspiracy theory]] of Chinese (aka the [[w:Yellow Peril|Yellow Peril]]) under our beds. They're back! **[https://twitter.com/johnpilger/status/1273605518532075522 Twitter] (18 June 2020). *The fake "independent institute" promoting the China "threat" in the West is the Australian Strategic Policy Institute, the go-to source for Vichy journalists currently hoodwinking the public. It's exposed [https://www.michaelwest.com.au/independent-think-tank-aspi-behind-push-for-more-defence-spending-rakes-in-advisory-fees/ here] as a front for warmongers and arms companies. **[https://twitter.com/johnpilger/status/1278305945743790080 Twitter] (1 July 2020). *The ruthless sell-off of Britain's National Health Service during Covid by the [[Boris Johnson]] govt is a [[Crimes against humanity|crime against humanity]]. **[https://twitter.com/johnpilger/status/1281223588943626240 Twitter] (9 July 2020). *To quote, without verifiable evidence, "western intelligence sources" is never journalism; it is almost always propaganda. I learned that as a reporter. The cold war drum beat of the BBC and others is leading us to a world war. **[https://twitter.com/johnpilger/status/1285869017412956160 Twitter] (22 July 2020). ==About John Pilger== *Over the course of nearly three-and-a-half months, the novel [[coronavirus]] outbreak has infected over 127,000 and left over 4,700 dead. While this has sparked global panic and a WHO-declaration of a pandemic, then death toll is still a far cry from that of starvation, Malaria and war. This was the point made by BAFTA-award winning journalist and documentary filmmaker John Pilger who took to Facebook on Thursday, to highlight how, despite the fact that 24,600 people died each day from starvation and 3,000 children from preventable Malaria, no pandemic has been declared for them. **[https://www.theweek.in/news/world/2020/03/12/here-is-what-legendary-journalist-john-pilger-said-about-coronavirus-outbreak.html Here is what legendary journalist John Pilger said about coronavirus outbreak] Pilger decries inattention to hunger, malaria and American wars and blockades, [[w:The Week|''The Week'']], (12 March 2020) *His trademark has always been to sidestep the accepted version of the facts, a [[w:modus operandi|modus operandi]] that served him well during the Vietnam war, in the apocalyptic post-Pol Pot Cambodia, the killing fields of East Timor and countless other hotspots... becoming an octogenari­an hasn’t mellowed him in the least. *([[W:John_Pilger#The_Coming_War_on_China_(2016)|''The Coming War on China'']]) was made before news broke of the upheavals in Xinjiang, along with reports that the Uygur minority was being persecuted. Typically, Pilger’s reaction was to avoid instantly pointing a finger at Beijing, and to look for an alternative narrative... The major broadcasters in [[China]] competed to acquire rights to show the film (''The Coming War on China'') ... All I had to do, they said, was remove the Tiananmen Square sequence. Interestingly, the references to dissidents and other critical sections could stay. I said ‘no’ to any changes, and there were no deals. Within a week, [a pirated version] appeared on the internet with Chinese subtitles – including the Tiananmen Square sequence. Then a friend called from Shanghai to say he had bought a DVD of the film in his local shop – unedited and openly on sale.” **[[https://www.scmp.com/magazines/post-magazine/long-reads/article/3083082/john-pilger-50-years-spent-shining-light John Pilger on 50 years spent shining a light into humanity’s darkest corners, Ed Peters, ''South China Morning Post,''] (9 May 2020) ==See also== *[[Mainstream media]] *[[Alternative media]] *[[Internet]] *[[Journalism]] *[[Julian Assange]] *[[Wikileaks]] ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{commons category}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Pilger, John}} [[Category:Journalists from Australia]] [[Category:Investigative journalists]] [[Category:Socialists]] [[Category:1939 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:People from Sydney]] [[Category:Orators]] [[Category:Non-fiction authors from Australia]] 5pbmp7gt4nkgr0rqfdk2zdbdnio4xj3 3152905 3152904 2022-08-09T12:42:45Z Philip Cross 7192 /* 2002 */ fixed links wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:John Pilger in August 2011.jpg|thumb|John Pilger]] [[File:John Pilger with Russell Skelton - Understand This (8056103133).jpg|thumb|Many journalists now are no more than channelers and echoers of what [[George Orwell]] called the 'official truth'. They simply cipher and transmit lies.]] '''[[w:John Pilger|John Richard Pilger]]''' (born [[9 October]] [[1939]]) is an Australian journalist and broadcaster/documentary maker based in London and Sydney. ==Quotes== === 1998 === * It is not enough for [[journalists]] to see themselves as mere messengers without [[understanding]] the [[w:hidden agenda|hidden agenda]]s of the message and the myths that surround it. ** ''Hidden Agendas'' (1998). === 2001 === * On the [[September 11 attacks]]: In these surreal days, there is one truth. Nothing justified the killing of innocent people in America last week and nothing justifies the killing of innocent people anywhere else. ** [http://www.guardian.co.uk/wtccrash/story/0,1300,555452,00.html "Blair has made Britain a target"] ''The Guardian'' (21 September 2001). * More [[terrorist]]s are given training and sanctuary in the United States than anywhere on earth. They include mass murderers, [[torture]]rs, former and future [[tyrant]]s and assorted international criminals. This is virtually unknown to the American public, thanks to the freest media on earth. * During my lifetime, America has been constantly waging war against much of humanity: impoverished people mostly, in stricken places. ** [http://www.guardian.co.uk/wtccrash/story/0,1300,555452,00.html "Blair has made Britain a target"] ''The Guardian'' (21 September 2001). === 2002 === * There is no War on Terrorism; it is the {{w|Great Game|Great Game}} speeded up. The difference is the rampant nature of the {{w|Superpower|superpower}}, ensuring infinite dangers for us all. ** [https://www.theguardian.com/world/2002/jul/14/usa.terrorism "The great charade"] ''The Guardian'' (14 July 2002). * Many journalists now are no more than channelers and echoers of what [[George Orwell]] called the 'official truth'. They simply cipher and transmit lies. It really grieves me that so many of my fellow journalists can be so manipulated that they become really what the French describe as 'functionaires', functionaries, not journalists. Many journalists become very defensive when you suggest to them that they are anything but impartial and objective. The problem with those words 'impartiality' and 'objectivity' is that they have lost their dictionary meaning. They've been taken over... [they] now mean the establishment point of view... Journalists don't sit down and think, 'I'm now going to speak for the establishment.' Of course not. But they internalise a whole set of assumptions, and one of the most potent assumptions is that the world should be seen in terms of its usefulness to the West, not humanity. ** [http://www.progressive.org/nov02/intv1102.html "Interview with John Pilger"] ''The Progressive'' (November 2002). === 2005 === * If those who support aggressive war had seen a fraction of what I've seen, if they'd watched children fry to death from [[Napalm]] and bleed to death from a [[cluster bomb]], they might not utter the claptrap they do. ** [http://www.guardian.co.uk/media/2005/nov/13/pressandpublishing.observermagazine "This Much I know"] ''The Observer'' (13 November 2005). * The impact of the human tragedies I've reported on is that, more often than not, I'll be angry. I want to know why is this child dying? These are not acts of God; they're results of respectable politicians' decisions. ** [http://www.guardian.co.uk/media/2005/nov/13/pressandpublishing.observermagazine "This Much I know"] ''The Observer'' (13 November 2005). * When governments and other vested interests attack me personally I usually regard it as a vindication, otherwise they would use facts. That's why I believe in the wonderful [[Claud Cockburn]] dictum, 'Never believe anything until it is officially denied.' It has certainly been my experience. ** [http://www.guardian.co.uk/media/2005/nov/13/pressandpublishing.observermagazine "This Much I know"] ''The Observer'' (13 November 2005). * I love irony in pictures. There's one photograph from Vietnam by [[Philip Jones Griffiths]] that shows a very large GI having his pocket picked by a tiny Vietnamese woman. It told the whole story of the clash of two cultures and how the invader could never win. ** [http://www.guardian.co.uk/media/2005/nov/13/pressandpublishing.observermagazine "This Much I Know"] ''The Observer'' (13 November 2005). === 2003 === * The censorship is such on television in the US that films like mine don't stand a chance. ** cited by David Barsamian in [https://www.google.co.uk/books/edition/Louder_Than_Bombs/zWQkIPrIAAsC?hl=en&gbpv=1&dq=%22censorship+is+such+on+television+in+the+U.S.+that+films+like+mine+don%27t+stand+a+chance%22&pg=PA34&printsec=frontcover ''Louder Than Bombs: Interviews from the Progressive Magazine''] p. 34 (2004) from interview on <!-- Identified as the day before the 15 February 2003 anti-war protests -->14 February 2003. === 2009 === * [On [[Barack Obama]]:] No one knew what the new brand actually stood for. So accomplished was the advertising (a record $75m was spent on television commercials alone) that many Americans actually believed Obama shared their opposition to Bush’s wars. In fact, he had repeatedly backed Bush’s warmongering and its congressional funding. Many Americans also believed he was the heir to Martin Luther King’s legacy of anti-colonialism. Yet if Obama had a theme at all, apart from the vacuous 'Change you can believe in,' it was the renewal of America as a dominant, avaricious bully. 'We will be the most powerful,' he often declared. ** John Pilger, [http://www.newstatesman.com/north-america/2009/05/barack-obama-pilger-bush "The Madmen Did Well"] ''New Statesman'' (30 April 2009). * We are beckoned to see the world through a one-way mirror, as if we are threatened and innocent and the rest of humanity is threatening, or wretched, or expendable. Our memory is struggling to rescue the truth that human rights were not handed down as privileges from a parliament, or a boardroom, or an institution, but that peace is only possible with justice and with information that gives us the power to act justly. ** John Pilger, Sydney Peace Prize acceptance speech, University of Sydney (4 November 2009). * The major western democracies are moving towards corporatism. Democracy has become a business plan, with a bottom line for every human activity, every dream, every decency, every hope. The main parliamentary parties are now devoted to the same economic policies&nbsp;— socialism for the rich, capitalism for the poor&nbsp;— and the same foreign policy of servility to endless war. This is not democracy. It is to politics what McDonalds is to food. ** John Pilger, [http://johnpilger.com/articles/breaking-the-great-australian-silence Sydney Peace Prize address], Sydney Opera House (5 November 2009). === 2010 === * We journalists... have to be brave enough to defy those who seek our collusion in selling their latest bloody adventure in someone else's country... That means always challenging the official story, however patriotic that story may appear, however seductive and insidious it is. For propaganda relies on us in the media to aim its deceptions not at a far away country but at you at home... In this age of endless imperial war, the lives of countless men, women and children depend on the truth or their blood is on us... Those whose job it is to keep the record straight ought to be the voice of people, not power. ** ''The War You Don't See'' ITV (UK) (14 December 2010). === 2018 === * [[WikiLeaks]] has achieved far more than what The New York Times and The Washington Post in their celebrated incarnations did. No newspaper has come close to matching the secrets and lies of power that Assange and Snowden have disclosed. That both men are fugitives is indicative of the retreat of liberal democracies from principles of freedom and justice. Why is WikiLeaks a landmark in journalism? Because its revelations have told us, with 100 per cent accuracy, how and why much of the world is divided and run. **Quoted in [https://frontline.thehindu.com/cover-story/article25661115.ece "New Cold War & looming threats"] ''Frontline: The Hindu'' (India) (21 December 2018). * I wasn’t “harsh” towards Obama. It was Obama who was harsh towards much of humanity, contrary to his often absurd media image. Obama was one of the most violent U.S. Presidents. He launched or sustained seven wars and left office with none resolved: a record. In his last year as President, 2016, according to the Council on Foreign Relations, he dropped 26,171 bombs. It’s an interesting statistic; it’s three bombs every hour, 24 hours a day, on mostly civilians. The bombing technique Obama made his own was assassination by drone. Every Tuesday, reported ''The New York Times'', he selected the names of those who would die in a “programme” of extrajudicial murder. All males of military age in Yemen and the frontiers of Pakistan were considered fair game. He increased America’s special forces operations around the world, notably in Africa. Along with France and Britain, he and his Secretary of State Hillary Clinton destroyed Libya as a modern state on the false and familiar pretext that its leader was about to conduct a massacre of “innocents”. This led directly to the growth of the medievalists of ISIS [or Islamic State] and a stampede of immigration from Africa to Europe. He overthrew the democratically elected President of Ukraine and installed an openly fascist-backed regime—as a deliberate provocation to Russia. **Quoted in [https://frontline.thehindu.com/cover-story/article25661115.ece ''New Cold War & looming threats, ''Frontline: The Hindu'' (India) (21 December 2018) === 2019 === *'''Journalists can help people by telling the truth, or by as much truth as they can find, and acting not as agents of governments, of power, but of people. That is real journalism. The rest is specious and false.''' *When I began as a journalist, especially as a foreign correspondent, the press in the UK was conservative and owned by powerful establishment forces, as it is now. But the difference compared to today is that there were spaces for independent journalism that dissented from the received 'wisdom' of authority. That space has now all but closed and independent journalists have gone to the internet, or to a metaphoric underground. *The single biggest challenge is rescuing journalism from its deferential role as the stenographer of great power. The United States has constitutionally the freest press on earth, yet in practice it has a media obsequious to the formulas and deceptions of power. That is why the US was effectively given media approval to invade Iraq, and Libya, and Syria and dozens of other countries. **[https://www.thedailystar.net/opinion/interviews/news/real-journalists-act-agents-people-not-power-1687921 "Real journalists act as agents of people, not power"] ''Daily Star'' (Bangladesh) (16 January 2019). *WikiLeaks is possibly the most exciting development in journalism in my lifetime. As an [[investigative journalism|investigative journalist]], I have often had to rely on the courageous, principled acts of whistle-blowers. The truth about the Vietnam War was told when [[Daniel Ellsberg]] leaked the Pentagon Papers. The truth about Iraq and Afghanistan, and Saudi Arabia and many other flashpoints was told when WikiLeaks published the revelations of whistle-blowers. *When you consider that 100 percent of [[WikiLeaks]] leaks are authentic and accurate, you can understand the impact, as well as the fury generated among secretive powerful forces. Julian Assange is a political refugee in London for one reason only: WikiLeaks told the truth about the greatest crimes of the 21st century. He is not forgiven for that, and he should be supported by journalists and by people everywhere. **[https://www.thedailystar.net/opinion/interviews/news/real-journalists-act-agents-people-not-power-1687921 "Real journalists act as agents of people, not power"] ''Daily Star'' (Bangladesh) (16 January 2019) *Since [[Hugo Chavez|Chavez]]’s death in 2013, his successor [[Nicolás Maduro|Nicolas Maduro]] has shed his derisory label in [[Mainstream media|the Western press]] as a 'former bus driver' and [[w:vilified|become]] Saddam Hussein incarnate.... As the journalist and film-maker [[w:Pablo Navarrete|Pablo Navarrete]] reported this week, [[Venezuela]] is not the catastrophe it has been painted. 'There is food everywhere,' he wrote. 'I have filmed lots of videos of food in markets [all over Caracas] … it’s Friday night and the restaurants are full.' * In the pages of [[Mainstream media|liberal newspapers in the West]], race and class are two words almost never uttered in the mendacious “coverage” of Washington’s latest, most naked attempt to grab the world’s greatest source of oil and reclaim its “backyard”. For all the chavistas’ faults — such as allowing the Venezuelan economy to become hostage to the fortunes of oil and never seriously challenging big capital and corruption — they brought social justice and pride to millions of people and they did it with unprecedented democracy. ** [https://www.counterpunch.org/2019/02/22/the-war-on-venezuela-is-built-on-lies/ "The War on Venezuela is Built on Lies"] ''{{w:CounterPunch|Counterpunch}}'' (22 February 2019) *Should the CIA stooge Guaido and his white supremacists grab power, it will be the 68th overthrow of a sovereign government by the United States, most of them democracies. A fire sale of Venezuela’s utilities and mineral wealth will surely follow, along with the theft of the country’s oil, as outlined by John Bolton. Under the last Washington-controlled government in Caracas, poverty reached historic proportions. There was no healthcare for those could not pay. There was no universal education; Mavis Mendez, and millions like her, could not read or write. ** [https://www.counterpunch.org/2019/02/22/the-war-on-venezuela-is-built-on-lies/ "The War on Venezuela is Built on Lies"] ''CounterPunch'' (22 February 2019) *[[Julian Assange|Julian [Assange]]] is a distinguished Australian, who has changed the way many people think about duplicitous governments. For this, he is a political refugee subjected to what the [[United Nations]] calls 'arbitrary detention'. The UN says he has the right of free passage to freedom, but this is denied. He has the right to medical treatment without fear of arrest, but this is denied. He has the right to compensation, but this is denied. As founder and editor of [[WikiLeaks]], his crime has been to make sense of dark times. WikiLeaks has an impeccable record of accuracy and authenticity which no newspaper, no TV channel, no radio station, no BBC, no ''New York Times'', no ''Washington Post'', no ''Guardian'' can equal. Indeed, it shames them. That explains why he is being punished. **[https://www.counterpunch.org/2019/03/04/the-prisoner-says-no-to-big-brother/ "The Prisoner Says No to Big Brother"] ''CounterPunch'' (4 March 2019) *The persecution of [[Julian Assange]] is the conquest of us all: of our independence, our self respect, our intellect, our compassion, our politics, our culture. So stop scrolling. Organise. Occupy. Insist. Persist. Make a noise. Take direct action. Be brave and stay brave. Defy the thought police. War is not peace, freedom is not slavery, ignorance is not strength. If Julian can stand up, so can you: so can all of us. **[https://www.counterpunch.org/2019/03/04/the-prisoner-says-no-to-big-brother/ "The Prisoner Says No to Big Brother"] ''CounterPunch'' (4 March 2019) ===2020=== *On 28 January China said it would welcome international help as it struggled to contain coronavirus. No substantial help has come. Instead of solidarity and defying WHO, the US, Australia, Britain seek to isolate China, returning it to a state of siege and the dangers of the past. **[https://twitter.com/johnpilger/status/1225043791817560064 Twitter] (5 February 2020) *[[2019–20 coronavirus pandemic|'''A pandemic''']] '''has been declared, but not for the 24,600 who die every day from unnecessary starvation, and not for 3,000 children who die every day from preventable malaria, and not for the 10,000 people who die every day because they are denied publicly-funded healthcare, and not for the hundreds of Venezuelans and Iranians who die every day because America's blockade denies them life-saving medicines, and not for the hundreds of mostly children bombed or starved to death every day in Yemen, in a war supplied and kept going, profitably, by America and Britain. Before you panic, consider them.''' **Quoted in [https://www.theweek.in/news/world/2020/03/12/here-is-what-legendary-journalist-john-pilger-said-about-coronavirus-outbreak.html Here is what legendary journalist John Pilger said about coronavirus outbreak] "Pilger decries inattention to hunger, malaria and American wars and blockades" [[w:The Week|''The Week'']], (12 March 2020). *It’s difficult to separate the [[W:Uyghurs|Uygurs]] from the barrage of anti-China denunciations coming from the US, most of which have a script familiar to those who follow America’s 'soft' campaigns against its strategic enemies... The [[Mainstream media|leading US media]] are invariably the [[cipher]]. 'In China, every day is [[w:Kristallnacht|Kristallnacht]]', declared ''The Washington Post'' [last November], likening China’s treatment of the Uygurs to that of the Nazi genocide of the Jews.... That’s not untypical; it reads as if it has been written by the [[w:US Agency for International Development|US Agency for International Development]] or the [[w:National Endowment for Democracy|National Endowment for Democracy]], which fills in for the [[CIA]]. No one doubts the ruthless reaction of Beijing to separatists, but as a reporter, I would like to see for myself.<BR> * I suggest [[w:John_Pilger#The_Dirty_War_on_the_National_Health_Service_(2019)|in ''The Dirty War on the NHS'']] we look beyond this virus and ask how our current state of [[fear]] and its mass [[obedience]] will be exploit­ed in future. Will the workers 'stood down' ever see their jobs again? Will [[artificial intelligence]] consume freedoms that have been suspended? As Edward Snowden says, the disease of mass surveillance will outlast this pandemic. Will Julian Assange [the Australian founder of WikiLeaks], persecuted for the crime of truthful journalism, survive? **[[John Pilger]] quoted in Ed Peters [https://www.scmp.com/magazines/post-magazine/long-reads/article/3083082/john-pilger-50-years-spent-shining-light John Pilger on 50 years spent shining a light into humanity’s darkest corners"] ''South China Morning Post'' ] (9 May 2020). *The coming war on China is likely to happen by mistake or accident as a result of deliberate provocations by the US and its echoes. Under cover of the pandemic, the Trump regime is sending strategic bombers and spy drones within sight of China itself. Our silence is our peril. **[https://twitter.com/johnpilger/status/1273141084500250625 Twitter] (17 June 2020). *Julian #Assange is in solitary, denied visitors. He ordered a radio from the prison catalogue six months ago. A friend also ordered him a radio and the authorities returned it, unopened. Even the Beirut hostages Waite, Keenan and McCarthy listened to a radio. This is torture. **[https://twitter.com/johnpilger/status/1271953789440811009 Twitter] (13 June 2020). *I grew up in the cold war. Third-rate academics and a rag bag of charlatans made fools of themselves with their mighty [[conspiracy theory]] of Chinese (aka the [[w:Yellow Peril|Yellow Peril]]) under our beds. They're back! **[https://twitter.com/johnpilger/status/1273605518532075522 Twitter] (18 June 2020). *The fake "independent institute" promoting the China "threat" in the West is the Australian Strategic Policy Institute, the go-to source for Vichy journalists currently hoodwinking the public. It's exposed [https://www.michaelwest.com.au/independent-think-tank-aspi-behind-push-for-more-defence-spending-rakes-in-advisory-fees/ here] as a front for warmongers and arms companies. **[https://twitter.com/johnpilger/status/1278305945743790080 Twitter] (1 July 2020). *The ruthless sell-off of Britain's National Health Service during Covid by the [[Boris Johnson]] govt is a [[Crimes against humanity|crime against humanity]]. **[https://twitter.com/johnpilger/status/1281223588943626240 Twitter] (9 July 2020). *To quote, without verifiable evidence, "western intelligence sources" is never journalism; it is almost always propaganda. I learned that as a reporter. The cold war drum beat of the BBC and others is leading us to a world war. **[https://twitter.com/johnpilger/status/1285869017412956160 Twitter] (22 July 2020). ==About John Pilger== *Over the course of nearly three-and-a-half months, the novel [[coronavirus]] outbreak has infected over 127,000 and left over 4,700 dead. While this has sparked global panic and a WHO-declaration of a pandemic, then death toll is still a far cry from that of starvation, Malaria and war. This was the point made by BAFTA-award winning journalist and documentary filmmaker John Pilger who took to Facebook on Thursday, to highlight how, despite the fact that 24,600 people died each day from starvation and 3,000 children from preventable Malaria, no pandemic has been declared for them. **[https://www.theweek.in/news/world/2020/03/12/here-is-what-legendary-journalist-john-pilger-said-about-coronavirus-outbreak.html Here is what legendary journalist John Pilger said about coronavirus outbreak] Pilger decries inattention to hunger, malaria and American wars and blockades, [[w:The Week|''The Week'']], (12 March 2020) *His trademark has always been to sidestep the accepted version of the facts, a [[w:modus operandi|modus operandi]] that served him well during the Vietnam war, in the apocalyptic post-Pol Pot Cambodia, the killing fields of East Timor and countless other hotspots... becoming an octogenari­an hasn’t mellowed him in the least. *([[W:John_Pilger#The_Coming_War_on_China_(2016)|''The Coming War on China'']]) was made before news broke of the upheavals in Xinjiang, along with reports that the Uygur minority was being persecuted. Typically, Pilger’s reaction was to avoid instantly pointing a finger at Beijing, and to look for an alternative narrative... The major broadcasters in [[China]] competed to acquire rights to show the film (''The Coming War on China'') ... All I had to do, they said, was remove the Tiananmen Square sequence. Interestingly, the references to dissidents and other critical sections could stay. I said ‘no’ to any changes, and there were no deals. Within a week, [a pirated version] appeared on the internet with Chinese subtitles – including the Tiananmen Square sequence. Then a friend called from Shanghai to say he had bought a DVD of the film in his local shop – unedited and openly on sale.” **[[https://www.scmp.com/magazines/post-magazine/long-reads/article/3083082/john-pilger-50-years-spent-shining-light John Pilger on 50 years spent shining a light into humanity’s darkest corners, Ed Peters, ''South China Morning Post,''] (9 May 2020) ==See also== *[[Mainstream media]] *[[Alternative media]] *[[Internet]] *[[Journalism]] *[[Julian Assange]] *[[Wikileaks]] ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{commons category}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Pilger, John}} [[Category:Journalists from Australia]] [[Category:Investigative journalists]] [[Category:Socialists]] [[Category:1939 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:People from Sydney]] [[Category:Orators]] [[Category:Non-fiction authors from Australia]] 68aosepvs2yxca90mnedk1wgfx8n8fc 3152906 3152905 2022-08-09T12:47:44Z Philip Cross 7192 correction, my error wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:John Pilger in August 2011.jpg|thumb|John Pilger]] [[File:John Pilger with Russell Skelton - Understand This (8056103133).jpg|thumb|Many journalists now are no more than channelers and echoers of what [[George Orwell]] called the 'official truth'. They simply cipher and transmit lies.]] '''[[w:John Pilger|John Richard Pilger]]''' (born [[9 October]] [[1939]]) is an Australian journalist and broadcaster/documentary maker based in London and Sydney. ==Quotes== === 1998 === * It is not enough for [[journalists]] to see themselves as mere messengers without [[understanding]] the [[w:hidden agenda|hidden agenda]]s of the message and the myths that surround it. ** ''Hidden Agendas'' (1998). === 2001 === * On the [[September 11 attacks]]: In these surreal days, there is one truth. Nothing justified the killing of innocent people in America last week and nothing justifies the killing of innocent people anywhere else. ** [http://www.guardian.co.uk/wtccrash/story/0,1300,555452,00.html "Blair has made Britain a target"] ''The Guardian'' (21 September 2001). * More [[terrorist]]s are given training and sanctuary in the United States than anywhere on earth. They include mass murderers, [[torture]]rs, former and future [[tyrant]]s and assorted international criminals. This is virtually unknown to the American public, thanks to the freest media on earth. * During my lifetime, America has been constantly waging war against much of humanity: impoverished people mostly, in stricken places. ** [http://www.guardian.co.uk/wtccrash/story/0,1300,555452,00.html "Blair has made Britain a target"] ''The Guardian'' (21 September 2001). === 2002 === * There is no War on Terrorism; it is the {{w|Great Game|Great Game}} speeded up. The difference is the rampant nature of the {{w|Superpower|superpower}}, ensuring infinite dangers for us all. ** [https://www.theguardian.com/world/2002/jul/14/usa.terrorism "The great charade"] ''The Guardian'' (14 July 2002). * Many journalists now are no more than channelers and echoers of what [[George Orwell]] called the 'official truth'. They simply cipher and transmit lies. It really grieves me that so many of my fellow journalists can be so manipulated that they become really what the French describe as 'functionaires', functionaries, not journalists. Many journalists become very defensive when you suggest to them that they are anything but impartial and objective. The problem with those words 'impartiality' and 'objectivity' is that they have lost their dictionary meaning. They've been taken over... [they] now mean the establishment point of view... Journalists don't sit down and think, 'I'm now going to speak for the establishment.' Of course not. But they internalise a whole set of assumptions, and one of the most potent assumptions is that the world should be seen in terms of its usefulness to the West, not humanity. ** [http://www.progressive.org/nov02/intv1102.html "Interview with John Pilger"] ''The Progressive'' (November 2002). * The censorship is such on television in the US that films like mine don't stand a chance. ** cited by David Barsamian in [https://www.google.co.uk/books/edition/Louder_Than_Bombs/zWQkIPrIAAsC?hl=en&gbpv=1&dq=%22censorship+is+such+on+television+in+the+U.S.+that+films+like+mine+don%27t+stand+a+chance%22&pg=PA34&printsec=frontcover ''Louder Than Bombs: Interviews from the Progressive Magazine''] p. 34 (2004) from interview on <!-- Identified as the day before the 28 September 2002 anti-war protests -->27 September 2002. === 2005 === * If those who support aggressive war had seen a fraction of what I've seen, if they'd watched children fry to death from [[Napalm]] and bleed to death from a [[cluster bomb]], they might not utter the claptrap they do. ** [http://www.guardian.co.uk/media/2005/nov/13/pressandpublishing.observermagazine "This Much I know"] ''The Observer'' (13 November 2005). * The impact of the human tragedies I've reported on is that, more often than not, I'll be angry. I want to know why is this child dying? These are not acts of God; they're results of respectable politicians' decisions. ** [http://www.guardian.co.uk/media/2005/nov/13/pressandpublishing.observermagazine "This Much I know"] ''The Observer'' (13 November 2005). * When governments and other vested interests attack me personally I usually regard it as a vindication, otherwise they would use facts. That's why I believe in the wonderful [[Claud Cockburn]] dictum, 'Never believe anything until it is officially denied.' It has certainly been my experience. ** [http://www.guardian.co.uk/media/2005/nov/13/pressandpublishing.observermagazine "This Much I know"] ''The Observer'' (13 November 2005). * I love irony in pictures. There's one photograph from Vietnam by [[Philip Jones Griffiths]] that shows a very large GI having his pocket picked by a tiny Vietnamese woman. It told the whole story of the clash of two cultures and how the invader could never win. ** [http://www.guardian.co.uk/media/2005/nov/13/pressandpublishing.observermagazine "This Much I Know"] ''The Observer'' (13 November 2005). === 2009 === * [On [[Barack Obama]]:] No one knew what the new brand actually stood for. So accomplished was the advertising (a record $75m was spent on television commercials alone) that many Americans actually believed Obama shared their opposition to Bush’s wars. In fact, he had repeatedly backed Bush’s warmongering and its congressional funding. Many Americans also believed he was the heir to Martin Luther King’s legacy of anti-colonialism. Yet if Obama had a theme at all, apart from the vacuous 'Change you can believe in,' it was the renewal of America as a dominant, avaricious bully. 'We will be the most powerful,' he often declared. ** John Pilger, [http://www.newstatesman.com/north-america/2009/05/barack-obama-pilger-bush "The Madmen Did Well"] ''New Statesman'' (30 April 2009). * We are beckoned to see the world through a one-way mirror, as if we are threatened and innocent and the rest of humanity is threatening, or wretched, or expendable. Our memory is struggling to rescue the truth that human rights were not handed down as privileges from a parliament, or a boardroom, or an institution, but that peace is only possible with justice and with information that gives us the power to act justly. ** John Pilger, Sydney Peace Prize acceptance speech, University of Sydney (4 November 2009). * The major western democracies are moving towards corporatism. Democracy has become a business plan, with a bottom line for every human activity, every dream, every decency, every hope. The main parliamentary parties are now devoted to the same economic policies&nbsp;— socialism for the rich, capitalism for the poor&nbsp;— and the same foreign policy of servility to endless war. This is not democracy. It is to politics what McDonalds is to food. ** John Pilger, [http://johnpilger.com/articles/breaking-the-great-australian-silence Sydney Peace Prize address], Sydney Opera House (5 November 2009). === 2010 === * We journalists... have to be brave enough to defy those who seek our collusion in selling their latest bloody adventure in someone else's country... That means always challenging the official story, however patriotic that story may appear, however seductive and insidious it is. For propaganda relies on us in the media to aim its deceptions not at a far away country but at you at home... In this age of endless imperial war, the lives of countless men, women and children depend on the truth or their blood is on us... Those whose job it is to keep the record straight ought to be the voice of people, not power. ** ''The War You Don't See'' ITV (UK) (14 December 2010). === 2018 === * [[WikiLeaks]] has achieved far more than what The New York Times and The Washington Post in their celebrated incarnations did. No newspaper has come close to matching the secrets and lies of power that Assange and Snowden have disclosed. That both men are fugitives is indicative of the retreat of liberal democracies from principles of freedom and justice. Why is WikiLeaks a landmark in journalism? Because its revelations have told us, with 100 per cent accuracy, how and why much of the world is divided and run. **Quoted in [https://frontline.thehindu.com/cover-story/article25661115.ece "New Cold War & looming threats"] ''Frontline: The Hindu'' (India) (21 December 2018). * I wasn’t “harsh” towards Obama. It was Obama who was harsh towards much of humanity, contrary to his often absurd media image. Obama was one of the most violent U.S. Presidents. He launched or sustained seven wars and left office with none resolved: a record. In his last year as President, 2016, according to the Council on Foreign Relations, he dropped 26,171 bombs. It’s an interesting statistic; it’s three bombs every hour, 24 hours a day, on mostly civilians. The bombing technique Obama made his own was assassination by drone. Every Tuesday, reported ''The New York Times'', he selected the names of those who would die in a “programme” of extrajudicial murder. All males of military age in Yemen and the frontiers of Pakistan were considered fair game. He increased America’s special forces operations around the world, notably in Africa. Along with France and Britain, he and his Secretary of State Hillary Clinton destroyed Libya as a modern state on the false and familiar pretext that its leader was about to conduct a massacre of “innocents”. This led directly to the growth of the medievalists of ISIS [or Islamic State] and a stampede of immigration from Africa to Europe. He overthrew the democratically elected President of Ukraine and installed an openly fascist-backed regime—as a deliberate provocation to Russia. **Quoted in [https://frontline.thehindu.com/cover-story/article25661115.ece ''New Cold War & looming threats, ''Frontline: The Hindu'' (India) (21 December 2018) === 2019 === *'''Journalists can help people by telling the truth, or by as much truth as they can find, and acting not as agents of governments, of power, but of people. That is real journalism. The rest is specious and false.''' *When I began as a journalist, especially as a foreign correspondent, the press in the UK was conservative and owned by powerful establishment forces, as it is now. But the difference compared to today is that there were spaces for independent journalism that dissented from the received 'wisdom' of authority. That space has now all but closed and independent journalists have gone to the internet, or to a metaphoric underground. *The single biggest challenge is rescuing journalism from its deferential role as the stenographer of great power. The United States has constitutionally the freest press on earth, yet in practice it has a media obsequious to the formulas and deceptions of power. That is why the US was effectively given media approval to invade Iraq, and Libya, and Syria and dozens of other countries. **[https://www.thedailystar.net/opinion/interviews/news/real-journalists-act-agents-people-not-power-1687921 "Real journalists act as agents of people, not power"] ''Daily Star'' (Bangladesh) (16 January 2019). *WikiLeaks is possibly the most exciting development in journalism in my lifetime. As an [[investigative journalism|investigative journalist]], I have often had to rely on the courageous, principled acts of whistle-blowers. The truth about the Vietnam War was told when [[Daniel Ellsberg]] leaked the Pentagon Papers. The truth about Iraq and Afghanistan, and Saudi Arabia and many other flashpoints was told when WikiLeaks published the revelations of whistle-blowers. *When you consider that 100 percent of [[WikiLeaks]] leaks are authentic and accurate, you can understand the impact, as well as the fury generated among secretive powerful forces. Julian Assange is a political refugee in London for one reason only: WikiLeaks told the truth about the greatest crimes of the 21st century. He is not forgiven for that, and he should be supported by journalists and by people everywhere. **[https://www.thedailystar.net/opinion/interviews/news/real-journalists-act-agents-people-not-power-1687921 "Real journalists act as agents of people, not power"] ''Daily Star'' (Bangladesh) (16 January 2019) *Since [[Hugo Chavez|Chavez]]’s death in 2013, his successor [[Nicolás Maduro|Nicolas Maduro]] has shed his derisory label in [[Mainstream media|the Western press]] as a 'former bus driver' and [[w:vilified|become]] Saddam Hussein incarnate.... As the journalist and film-maker [[w:Pablo Navarrete|Pablo Navarrete]] reported this week, [[Venezuela]] is not the catastrophe it has been painted. 'There is food everywhere,' he wrote. 'I have filmed lots of videos of food in markets [all over Caracas] … it’s Friday night and the restaurants are full.' * In the pages of [[Mainstream media|liberal newspapers in the West]], race and class are two words almost never uttered in the mendacious “coverage” of Washington’s latest, most naked attempt to grab the world’s greatest source of oil and reclaim its “backyard”. For all the chavistas’ faults — such as allowing the Venezuelan economy to become hostage to the fortunes of oil and never seriously challenging big capital and corruption — they brought social justice and pride to millions of people and they did it with unprecedented democracy. ** [https://www.counterpunch.org/2019/02/22/the-war-on-venezuela-is-built-on-lies/ "The War on Venezuela is Built on Lies"] ''{{w:CounterPunch|Counterpunch}}'' (22 February 2019) *Should the CIA stooge Guaido and his white supremacists grab power, it will be the 68th overthrow of a sovereign government by the United States, most of them democracies. A fire sale of Venezuela’s utilities and mineral wealth will surely follow, along with the theft of the country’s oil, as outlined by John Bolton. Under the last Washington-controlled government in Caracas, poverty reached historic proportions. There was no healthcare for those could not pay. There was no universal education; Mavis Mendez, and millions like her, could not read or write. ** [https://www.counterpunch.org/2019/02/22/the-war-on-venezuela-is-built-on-lies/ "The War on Venezuela is Built on Lies"] ''CounterPunch'' (22 February 2019) *[[Julian Assange|Julian [Assange]]] is a distinguished Australian, who has changed the way many people think about duplicitous governments. For this, he is a political refugee subjected to what the [[United Nations]] calls 'arbitrary detention'. The UN says he has the right of free passage to freedom, but this is denied. He has the right to medical treatment without fear of arrest, but this is denied. He has the right to compensation, but this is denied. As founder and editor of [[WikiLeaks]], his crime has been to make sense of dark times. WikiLeaks has an impeccable record of accuracy and authenticity which no newspaper, no TV channel, no radio station, no BBC, no ''New York Times'', no ''Washington Post'', no ''Guardian'' can equal. Indeed, it shames them. That explains why he is being punished. **[https://www.counterpunch.org/2019/03/04/the-prisoner-says-no-to-big-brother/ "The Prisoner Says No to Big Brother"] ''CounterPunch'' (4 March 2019) *The persecution of [[Julian Assange]] is the conquest of us all: of our independence, our self respect, our intellect, our compassion, our politics, our culture. So stop scrolling. Organise. Occupy. Insist. Persist. Make a noise. Take direct action. Be brave and stay brave. Defy the thought police. War is not peace, freedom is not slavery, ignorance is not strength. If Julian can stand up, so can you: so can all of us. **[https://www.counterpunch.org/2019/03/04/the-prisoner-says-no-to-big-brother/ "The Prisoner Says No to Big Brother"] ''CounterPunch'' (4 March 2019) ===2020=== *On 28 January China said it would welcome international help as it struggled to contain coronavirus. No substantial help has come. Instead of solidarity and defying WHO, the US, Australia, Britain seek to isolate China, returning it to a state of siege and the dangers of the past. **[https://twitter.com/johnpilger/status/1225043791817560064 Twitter] (5 February 2020) *[[2019–20 coronavirus pandemic|'''A pandemic''']] '''has been declared, but not for the 24,600 who die every day from unnecessary starvation, and not for 3,000 children who die every day from preventable malaria, and not for the 10,000 people who die every day because they are denied publicly-funded healthcare, and not for the hundreds of Venezuelans and Iranians who die every day because America's blockade denies them life-saving medicines, and not for the hundreds of mostly children bombed or starved to death every day in Yemen, in a war supplied and kept going, profitably, by America and Britain. Before you panic, consider them.''' **Quoted in [https://www.theweek.in/news/world/2020/03/12/here-is-what-legendary-journalist-john-pilger-said-about-coronavirus-outbreak.html Here is what legendary journalist John Pilger said about coronavirus outbreak] "Pilger decries inattention to hunger, malaria and American wars and blockades" [[w:The Week|''The Week'']], (12 March 2020). *It’s difficult to separate the [[W:Uyghurs|Uygurs]] from the barrage of anti-China denunciations coming from the US, most of which have a script familiar to those who follow America’s 'soft' campaigns against its strategic enemies... The [[Mainstream media|leading US media]] are invariably the [[cipher]]. 'In China, every day is [[w:Kristallnacht|Kristallnacht]]', declared ''The Washington Post'' [last November], likening China’s treatment of the Uygurs to that of the Nazi genocide of the Jews.... That’s not untypical; it reads as if it has been written by the [[w:US Agency for International Development|US Agency for International Development]] or the [[w:National Endowment for Democracy|National Endowment for Democracy]], which fills in for the [[CIA]]. No one doubts the ruthless reaction of Beijing to separatists, but as a reporter, I would like to see for myself.<BR> * I suggest [[w:John_Pilger#The_Dirty_War_on_the_National_Health_Service_(2019)|in ''The Dirty War on the NHS'']] we look beyond this virus and ask how our current state of [[fear]] and its mass [[obedience]] will be exploit­ed in future. Will the workers 'stood down' ever see their jobs again? Will [[artificial intelligence]] consume freedoms that have been suspended? As Edward Snowden says, the disease of mass surveillance will outlast this pandemic. Will Julian Assange [the Australian founder of WikiLeaks], persecuted for the crime of truthful journalism, survive? **[[John Pilger]] quoted in Ed Peters [https://www.scmp.com/magazines/post-magazine/long-reads/article/3083082/john-pilger-50-years-spent-shining-light John Pilger on 50 years spent shining a light into humanity’s darkest corners"] ''South China Morning Post'' ] (9 May 2020). *The coming war on China is likely to happen by mistake or accident as a result of deliberate provocations by the US and its echoes. Under cover of the pandemic, the Trump regime is sending strategic bombers and spy drones within sight of China itself. Our silence is our peril. **[https://twitter.com/johnpilger/status/1273141084500250625 Twitter] (17 June 2020). *Julian #Assange is in solitary, denied visitors. He ordered a radio from the prison catalogue six months ago. A friend also ordered him a radio and the authorities returned it, unopened. Even the Beirut hostages Waite, Keenan and McCarthy listened to a radio. This is torture. **[https://twitter.com/johnpilger/status/1271953789440811009 Twitter] (13 June 2020). *I grew up in the cold war. Third-rate academics and a rag bag of charlatans made fools of themselves with their mighty [[conspiracy theory]] of Chinese (aka the [[w:Yellow Peril|Yellow Peril]]) under our beds. They're back! **[https://twitter.com/johnpilger/status/1273605518532075522 Twitter] (18 June 2020). *The fake "independent institute" promoting the China "threat" in the West is the Australian Strategic Policy Institute, the go-to source for Vichy journalists currently hoodwinking the public. It's exposed [https://www.michaelwest.com.au/independent-think-tank-aspi-behind-push-for-more-defence-spending-rakes-in-advisory-fees/ here] as a front for warmongers and arms companies. **[https://twitter.com/johnpilger/status/1278305945743790080 Twitter] (1 July 2020). *The ruthless sell-off of Britain's National Health Service during Covid by the [[Boris Johnson]] govt is a [[Crimes against humanity|crime against humanity]]. **[https://twitter.com/johnpilger/status/1281223588943626240 Twitter] (9 July 2020). *To quote, without verifiable evidence, "western intelligence sources" is never journalism; it is almost always propaganda. I learned that as a reporter. The cold war drum beat of the BBC and others is leading us to a world war. **[https://twitter.com/johnpilger/status/1285869017412956160 Twitter] (22 July 2020). ==About John Pilger== *Over the course of nearly three-and-a-half months, the novel [[coronavirus]] outbreak has infected over 127,000 and left over 4,700 dead. While this has sparked global panic and a WHO-declaration of a pandemic, then death toll is still a far cry from that of starvation, Malaria and war. This was the point made by BAFTA-award winning journalist and documentary filmmaker John Pilger who took to Facebook on Thursday, to highlight how, despite the fact that 24,600 people died each day from starvation and 3,000 children from preventable Malaria, no pandemic has been declared for them. **[https://www.theweek.in/news/world/2020/03/12/here-is-what-legendary-journalist-john-pilger-said-about-coronavirus-outbreak.html Here is what legendary journalist John Pilger said about coronavirus outbreak] Pilger decries inattention to hunger, malaria and American wars and blockades, [[w:The Week|''The Week'']], (12 March 2020) *His trademark has always been to sidestep the accepted version of the facts, a [[w:modus operandi|modus operandi]] that served him well during the Vietnam war, in the apocalyptic post-Pol Pot Cambodia, the killing fields of East Timor and countless other hotspots... becoming an octogenari­an hasn’t mellowed him in the least. *([[W:John_Pilger#The_Coming_War_on_China_(2016)|''The Coming War on China'']]) was made before news broke of the upheavals in Xinjiang, along with reports that the Uygur minority was being persecuted. Typically, Pilger’s reaction was to avoid instantly pointing a finger at Beijing, and to look for an alternative narrative... The major broadcasters in [[China]] competed to acquire rights to show the film (''The Coming War on China'') ... All I had to do, they said, was remove the Tiananmen Square sequence. Interestingly, the references to dissidents and other critical sections could stay. I said ‘no’ to any changes, and there were no deals. Within a week, [a pirated version] appeared on the internet with Chinese subtitles – including the Tiananmen Square sequence. Then a friend called from Shanghai to say he had bought a DVD of the film in his local shop – unedited and openly on sale.” **[[https://www.scmp.com/magazines/post-magazine/long-reads/article/3083082/john-pilger-50-years-spent-shining-light John Pilger on 50 years spent shining a light into humanity’s darkest corners, Ed Peters, ''South China Morning Post,''] (9 May 2020) ==See also== *[[Mainstream media]] *[[Alternative media]] *[[Internet]] *[[Journalism]] *[[Julian Assange]] *[[Wikileaks]] ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{commons category}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Pilger, John}} [[Category:Journalists from Australia]] [[Category:Investigative journalists]] [[Category:Socialists]] [[Category:1939 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:People from Sydney]] [[Category:Orators]] [[Category:Non-fiction authors from Australia]] ajqn14sohyo9bw4c87wsadjxlmsneen 3152908 3152906 2022-08-09T12:58:17Z Philip Cross 7192 /* 2002 */ The 2002 Progressive interview is still online ( https://progressive.org/magazine/interview-john-pliger/ ) but the date of publication is now given as July 16, 2007, clearly an error, so the interview's appearance in a 2004 book would seem to be a more appropriate source wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:John Pilger in August 2011.jpg|thumb|John Pilger]] [[File:John Pilger with Russell Skelton - Understand This (8056103133).jpg|thumb|Many journalists now are no more than channelers and echoers of what [[George Orwell]] called the 'official truth'. They simply cipher and transmit lies.]] '''[[w:John Pilger|John Richard Pilger]]''' (born [[9 October]] [[1939]]) is an Australian journalist and broadcaster/documentary maker based in London and Sydney. ==Quotes== === 1998 === * It is not enough for [[journalists]] to see themselves as mere messengers without [[understanding]] the [[w:hidden agenda|hidden agenda]]s of the message and the myths that surround it. ** ''Hidden Agendas'' (1998). === 2001 === * On the [[September 11 attacks]]: In these surreal days, there is one truth. Nothing justified the killing of innocent people in America last week and nothing justifies the killing of innocent people anywhere else. ** [http://www.guardian.co.uk/wtccrash/story/0,1300,555452,00.html "Blair has made Britain a target"] ''The Guardian'' (21 September 2001). * More [[terrorist]]s are given training and sanctuary in the United States than anywhere on earth. They include mass murderers, [[torture]]rs, former and future [[tyrant]]s and assorted international criminals. This is virtually unknown to the American public, thanks to the freest media on earth. * During my lifetime, America has been constantly waging war against much of humanity: impoverished people mostly, in stricken places. ** [http://www.guardian.co.uk/wtccrash/story/0,1300,555452,00.html "Blair has made Britain a target"] ''The Guardian'' (21 September 2001). === 2002 === * There is no War on Terrorism; it is the {{w|Great Game|Great Game}} speeded up. The difference is the rampant nature of the {{w|Superpower|superpower}}, ensuring infinite dangers for us all. ** [https://www.theguardian.com/world/2002/jul/14/usa.terrorism "The great charade"] ''The Guardian'' (14 July 2002). * The censorship is such on television in the US that films like mine don't stand a chance. * Many journalists now are no more than channelers and echoers of what [[George Orwell]] called the 'official truth'. They simply cipher and transmit lies. It really grieves me that so many of my fellow journalists can be so manipulated that they become really what the French describe as 'functionaires', functionaries, not journalists. Many journalists become very defensive when you suggest to them that they are anything but impartial and objective. The problem with those words 'impartiality' and 'objectivity' is that they have lost their dictionary meaning. They've been taken over... [they] now mean the establishment point of view... Journalists don't sit down and think, 'I'm now going to speak for the establishment.' Of course not. But they internalise a whole set of assumptions, and one of the most potent assumptions is that the world should be seen in terms of its usefulness to the West, not humanity. ** cited by David Barsamian in [https://www.google.co.uk/books/edition/Louder_Than_Bombs/zWQkIPrIAAsC?hl=en&gbpv=1&dq=%22censorship+is+such+on+television+in+the+U.S.+that+films+like+mine+don%27t+stand+a+chance%22&pg=PA34&printsec=frontcover ''Louder Than Bombs: Interviews from the Progressive Magazine''] p. 34 (2004) from interview on <!-- Identified as the day before the 28 September 2002 anti-war protests -->27 September 2002. === 2005 === * If those who support aggressive war had seen a fraction of what I've seen, if they'd watched children fry to death from [[Napalm]] and bleed to death from a [[cluster bomb]], they might not utter the claptrap they do. ** [http://www.guardian.co.uk/media/2005/nov/13/pressandpublishing.observermagazine "This Much I know"] ''The Observer'' (13 November 2005). * The impact of the human tragedies I've reported on is that, more often than not, I'll be angry. I want to know why is this child dying? These are not acts of God; they're results of respectable politicians' decisions. ** [http://www.guardian.co.uk/media/2005/nov/13/pressandpublishing.observermagazine "This Much I know"] ''The Observer'' (13 November 2005). * When governments and other vested interests attack me personally I usually regard it as a vindication, otherwise they would use facts. That's why I believe in the wonderful [[Claud Cockburn]] dictum, 'Never believe anything until it is officially denied.' It has certainly been my experience. ** [http://www.guardian.co.uk/media/2005/nov/13/pressandpublishing.observermagazine "This Much I know"] ''The Observer'' (13 November 2005). * I love irony in pictures. There's one photograph from Vietnam by [[Philip Jones Griffiths]] that shows a very large GI having his pocket picked by a tiny Vietnamese woman. It told the whole story of the clash of two cultures and how the invader could never win. ** [http://www.guardian.co.uk/media/2005/nov/13/pressandpublishing.observermagazine "This Much I Know"] ''The Observer'' (13 November 2005). === 2009 === * [On [[Barack Obama]]:] No one knew what the new brand actually stood for. So accomplished was the advertising (a record $75m was spent on television commercials alone) that many Americans actually believed Obama shared their opposition to Bush’s wars. In fact, he had repeatedly backed Bush’s warmongering and its congressional funding. Many Americans also believed he was the heir to Martin Luther King’s legacy of anti-colonialism. Yet if Obama had a theme at all, apart from the vacuous 'Change you can believe in,' it was the renewal of America as a dominant, avaricious bully. 'We will be the most powerful,' he often declared. ** John Pilger, [http://www.newstatesman.com/north-america/2009/05/barack-obama-pilger-bush "The Madmen Did Well"] ''New Statesman'' (30 April 2009). * We are beckoned to see the world through a one-way mirror, as if we are threatened and innocent and the rest of humanity is threatening, or wretched, or expendable. Our memory is struggling to rescue the truth that human rights were not handed down as privileges from a parliament, or a boardroom, or an institution, but that peace is only possible with justice and with information that gives us the power to act justly. ** John Pilger, Sydney Peace Prize acceptance speech, University of Sydney (4 November 2009). * The major western democracies are moving towards corporatism. Democracy has become a business plan, with a bottom line for every human activity, every dream, every decency, every hope. The main parliamentary parties are now devoted to the same economic policies&nbsp;— socialism for the rich, capitalism for the poor&nbsp;— and the same foreign policy of servility to endless war. This is not democracy. It is to politics what McDonalds is to food. ** John Pilger, [http://johnpilger.com/articles/breaking-the-great-australian-silence Sydney Peace Prize address], Sydney Opera House (5 November 2009). === 2010 === * We journalists... have to be brave enough to defy those who seek our collusion in selling their latest bloody adventure in someone else's country... That means always challenging the official story, however patriotic that story may appear, however seductive and insidious it is. For propaganda relies on us in the media to aim its deceptions not at a far away country but at you at home... In this age of endless imperial war, the lives of countless men, women and children depend on the truth or their blood is on us... Those whose job it is to keep the record straight ought to be the voice of people, not power. ** ''The War You Don't See'' ITV (UK) (14 December 2010). === 2018 === * [[WikiLeaks]] has achieved far more than what The New York Times and The Washington Post in their celebrated incarnations did. No newspaper has come close to matching the secrets and lies of power that Assange and Snowden have disclosed. That both men are fugitives is indicative of the retreat of liberal democracies from principles of freedom and justice. Why is WikiLeaks a landmark in journalism? Because its revelations have told us, with 100 per cent accuracy, how and why much of the world is divided and run. **Quoted in [https://frontline.thehindu.com/cover-story/article25661115.ece "New Cold War & looming threats"] ''Frontline: The Hindu'' (India) (21 December 2018). * I wasn’t “harsh” towards Obama. It was Obama who was harsh towards much of humanity, contrary to his often absurd media image. Obama was one of the most violent U.S. Presidents. He launched or sustained seven wars and left office with none resolved: a record. In his last year as President, 2016, according to the Council on Foreign Relations, he dropped 26,171 bombs. It’s an interesting statistic; it’s three bombs every hour, 24 hours a day, on mostly civilians. The bombing technique Obama made his own was assassination by drone. Every Tuesday, reported ''The New York Times'', he selected the names of those who would die in a “programme” of extrajudicial murder. All males of military age in Yemen and the frontiers of Pakistan were considered fair game. He increased America’s special forces operations around the world, notably in Africa. Along with France and Britain, he and his Secretary of State Hillary Clinton destroyed Libya as a modern state on the false and familiar pretext that its leader was about to conduct a massacre of “innocents”. This led directly to the growth of the medievalists of ISIS [or Islamic State] and a stampede of immigration from Africa to Europe. He overthrew the democratically elected President of Ukraine and installed an openly fascist-backed regime—as a deliberate provocation to Russia. **Quoted in [https://frontline.thehindu.com/cover-story/article25661115.ece ''New Cold War & looming threats, ''Frontline: The Hindu'' (India) (21 December 2018) === 2019 === *'''Journalists can help people by telling the truth, or by as much truth as they can find, and acting not as agents of governments, of power, but of people. That is real journalism. The rest is specious and false.''' *When I began as a journalist, especially as a foreign correspondent, the press in the UK was conservative and owned by powerful establishment forces, as it is now. But the difference compared to today is that there were spaces for independent journalism that dissented from the received 'wisdom' of authority. That space has now all but closed and independent journalists have gone to the internet, or to a metaphoric underground. *The single biggest challenge is rescuing journalism from its deferential role as the stenographer of great power. The United States has constitutionally the freest press on earth, yet in practice it has a media obsequious to the formulas and deceptions of power. That is why the US was effectively given media approval to invade Iraq, and Libya, and Syria and dozens of other countries. **[https://www.thedailystar.net/opinion/interviews/news/real-journalists-act-agents-people-not-power-1687921 "Real journalists act as agents of people, not power"] ''Daily Star'' (Bangladesh) (16 January 2019). *WikiLeaks is possibly the most exciting development in journalism in my lifetime. As an [[investigative journalism|investigative journalist]], I have often had to rely on the courageous, principled acts of whistle-blowers. The truth about the Vietnam War was told when [[Daniel Ellsberg]] leaked the Pentagon Papers. The truth about Iraq and Afghanistan, and Saudi Arabia and many other flashpoints was told when WikiLeaks published the revelations of whistle-blowers. *When you consider that 100 percent of [[WikiLeaks]] leaks are authentic and accurate, you can understand the impact, as well as the fury generated among secretive powerful forces. Julian Assange is a political refugee in London for one reason only: WikiLeaks told the truth about the greatest crimes of the 21st century. He is not forgiven for that, and he should be supported by journalists and by people everywhere. **[https://www.thedailystar.net/opinion/interviews/news/real-journalists-act-agents-people-not-power-1687921 "Real journalists act as agents of people, not power"] ''Daily Star'' (Bangladesh) (16 January 2019) *Since [[Hugo Chavez|Chavez]]’s death in 2013, his successor [[Nicolás Maduro|Nicolas Maduro]] has shed his derisory label in [[Mainstream media|the Western press]] as a 'former bus driver' and [[w:vilified|become]] Saddam Hussein incarnate.... As the journalist and film-maker [[w:Pablo Navarrete|Pablo Navarrete]] reported this week, [[Venezuela]] is not the catastrophe it has been painted. 'There is food everywhere,' he wrote. 'I have filmed lots of videos of food in markets [all over Caracas] … it’s Friday night and the restaurants are full.' * In the pages of [[Mainstream media|liberal newspapers in the West]], race and class are two words almost never uttered in the mendacious “coverage” of Washington’s latest, most naked attempt to grab the world’s greatest source of oil and reclaim its “backyard”. For all the chavistas’ faults — such as allowing the Venezuelan economy to become hostage to the fortunes of oil and never seriously challenging big capital and corruption — they brought social justice and pride to millions of people and they did it with unprecedented democracy. ** [https://www.counterpunch.org/2019/02/22/the-war-on-venezuela-is-built-on-lies/ "The War on Venezuela is Built on Lies"] ''{{w:CounterPunch|Counterpunch}}'' (22 February 2019) *Should the CIA stooge Guaido and his white supremacists grab power, it will be the 68th overthrow of a sovereign government by the United States, most of them democracies. A fire sale of Venezuela’s utilities and mineral wealth will surely follow, along with the theft of the country’s oil, as outlined by John Bolton. Under the last Washington-controlled government in Caracas, poverty reached historic proportions. There was no healthcare for those could not pay. There was no universal education; Mavis Mendez, and millions like her, could not read or write. ** [https://www.counterpunch.org/2019/02/22/the-war-on-venezuela-is-built-on-lies/ "The War on Venezuela is Built on Lies"] ''CounterPunch'' (22 February 2019) *[[Julian Assange|Julian [Assange]]] is a distinguished Australian, who has changed the way many people think about duplicitous governments. For this, he is a political refugee subjected to what the [[United Nations]] calls 'arbitrary detention'. The UN says he has the right of free passage to freedom, but this is denied. He has the right to medical treatment without fear of arrest, but this is denied. He has the right to compensation, but this is denied. As founder and editor of [[WikiLeaks]], his crime has been to make sense of dark times. WikiLeaks has an impeccable record of accuracy and authenticity which no newspaper, no TV channel, no radio station, no BBC, no ''New York Times'', no ''Washington Post'', no ''Guardian'' can equal. Indeed, it shames them. That explains why he is being punished. **[https://www.counterpunch.org/2019/03/04/the-prisoner-says-no-to-big-brother/ "The Prisoner Says No to Big Brother"] ''CounterPunch'' (4 March 2019) *The persecution of [[Julian Assange]] is the conquest of us all: of our independence, our self respect, our intellect, our compassion, our politics, our culture. So stop scrolling. Organise. Occupy. Insist. Persist. Make a noise. Take direct action. Be brave and stay brave. Defy the thought police. War is not peace, freedom is not slavery, ignorance is not strength. If Julian can stand up, so can you: so can all of us. **[https://www.counterpunch.org/2019/03/04/the-prisoner-says-no-to-big-brother/ "The Prisoner Says No to Big Brother"] ''CounterPunch'' (4 March 2019) ===2020=== *On 28 January China said it would welcome international help as it struggled to contain coronavirus. No substantial help has come. Instead of solidarity and defying WHO, the US, Australia, Britain seek to isolate China, returning it to a state of siege and the dangers of the past. **[https://twitter.com/johnpilger/status/1225043791817560064 Twitter] (5 February 2020) *[[2019–20 coronavirus pandemic|'''A pandemic''']] '''has been declared, but not for the 24,600 who die every day from unnecessary starvation, and not for 3,000 children who die every day from preventable malaria, and not for the 10,000 people who die every day because they are denied publicly-funded healthcare, and not for the hundreds of Venezuelans and Iranians who die every day because America's blockade denies them life-saving medicines, and not for the hundreds of mostly children bombed or starved to death every day in Yemen, in a war supplied and kept going, profitably, by America and Britain. Before you panic, consider them.''' **Quoted in [https://www.theweek.in/news/world/2020/03/12/here-is-what-legendary-journalist-john-pilger-said-about-coronavirus-outbreak.html Here is what legendary journalist John Pilger said about coronavirus outbreak] "Pilger decries inattention to hunger, malaria and American wars and blockades" [[w:The Week|''The Week'']], (12 March 2020). *It’s difficult to separate the [[W:Uyghurs|Uygurs]] from the barrage of anti-China denunciations coming from the US, most of which have a script familiar to those who follow America’s 'soft' campaigns against its strategic enemies... The [[Mainstream media|leading US media]] are invariably the [[cipher]]. 'In China, every day is [[w:Kristallnacht|Kristallnacht]]', declared ''The Washington Post'' [last November], likening China’s treatment of the Uygurs to that of the Nazi genocide of the Jews.... That’s not untypical; it reads as if it has been written by the [[w:US Agency for International Development|US Agency for International Development]] or the [[w:National Endowment for Democracy|National Endowment for Democracy]], which fills in for the [[CIA]]. No one doubts the ruthless reaction of Beijing to separatists, but as a reporter, I would like to see for myself.<BR> * I suggest [[w:John_Pilger#The_Dirty_War_on_the_National_Health_Service_(2019)|in ''The Dirty War on the NHS'']] we look beyond this virus and ask how our current state of [[fear]] and its mass [[obedience]] will be exploit­ed in future. Will the workers 'stood down' ever see their jobs again? Will [[artificial intelligence]] consume freedoms that have been suspended? As Edward Snowden says, the disease of mass surveillance will outlast this pandemic. Will Julian Assange [the Australian founder of WikiLeaks], persecuted for the crime of truthful journalism, survive? **[[John Pilger]] quoted in Ed Peters [https://www.scmp.com/magazines/post-magazine/long-reads/article/3083082/john-pilger-50-years-spent-shining-light John Pilger on 50 years spent shining a light into humanity’s darkest corners"] ''South China Morning Post'' ] (9 May 2020). *The coming war on China is likely to happen by mistake or accident as a result of deliberate provocations by the US and its echoes. Under cover of the pandemic, the Trump regime is sending strategic bombers and spy drones within sight of China itself. Our silence is our peril. **[https://twitter.com/johnpilger/status/1273141084500250625 Twitter] (17 June 2020). *Julian #Assange is in solitary, denied visitors. He ordered a radio from the prison catalogue six months ago. A friend also ordered him a radio and the authorities returned it, unopened. Even the Beirut hostages Waite, Keenan and McCarthy listened to a radio. This is torture. **[https://twitter.com/johnpilger/status/1271953789440811009 Twitter] (13 June 2020). *I grew up in the cold war. Third-rate academics and a rag bag of charlatans made fools of themselves with their mighty [[conspiracy theory]] of Chinese (aka the [[w:Yellow Peril|Yellow Peril]]) under our beds. They're back! **[https://twitter.com/johnpilger/status/1273605518532075522 Twitter] (18 June 2020). *The fake "independent institute" promoting the China "threat" in the West is the Australian Strategic Policy Institute, the go-to source for Vichy journalists currently hoodwinking the public. It's exposed [https://www.michaelwest.com.au/independent-think-tank-aspi-behind-push-for-more-defence-spending-rakes-in-advisory-fees/ here] as a front for warmongers and arms companies. **[https://twitter.com/johnpilger/status/1278305945743790080 Twitter] (1 July 2020). *The ruthless sell-off of Britain's National Health Service during Covid by the [[Boris Johnson]] govt is a [[Crimes against humanity|crime against humanity]]. **[https://twitter.com/johnpilger/status/1281223588943626240 Twitter] (9 July 2020). *To quote, without verifiable evidence, "western intelligence sources" is never journalism; it is almost always propaganda. I learned that as a reporter. The cold war drum beat of the BBC and others is leading us to a world war. **[https://twitter.com/johnpilger/status/1285869017412956160 Twitter] (22 July 2020). ==About John Pilger== *Over the course of nearly three-and-a-half months, the novel [[coronavirus]] outbreak has infected over 127,000 and left over 4,700 dead. While this has sparked global panic and a WHO-declaration of a pandemic, then death toll is still a far cry from that of starvation, Malaria and war. This was the point made by BAFTA-award winning journalist and documentary filmmaker John Pilger who took to Facebook on Thursday, to highlight how, despite the fact that 24,600 people died each day from starvation and 3,000 children from preventable Malaria, no pandemic has been declared for them. **[https://www.theweek.in/news/world/2020/03/12/here-is-what-legendary-journalist-john-pilger-said-about-coronavirus-outbreak.html Here is what legendary journalist John Pilger said about coronavirus outbreak] Pilger decries inattention to hunger, malaria and American wars and blockades, [[w:The Week|''The Week'']], (12 March 2020) *His trademark has always been to sidestep the accepted version of the facts, a [[w:modus operandi|modus operandi]] that served him well during the Vietnam war, in the apocalyptic post-Pol Pot Cambodia, the killing fields of East Timor and countless other hotspots... becoming an octogenari­an hasn’t mellowed him in the least. *([[W:John_Pilger#The_Coming_War_on_China_(2016)|''The Coming War on China'']]) was made before news broke of the upheavals in Xinjiang, along with reports that the Uygur minority was being persecuted. Typically, Pilger’s reaction was to avoid instantly pointing a finger at Beijing, and to look for an alternative narrative... The major broadcasters in [[China]] competed to acquire rights to show the film (''The Coming War on China'') ... All I had to do, they said, was remove the Tiananmen Square sequence. Interestingly, the references to dissidents and other critical sections could stay. I said ‘no’ to any changes, and there were no deals. Within a week, [a pirated version] appeared on the internet with Chinese subtitles – including the Tiananmen Square sequence. Then a friend called from Shanghai to say he had bought a DVD of the film in his local shop – unedited and openly on sale.” **[[https://www.scmp.com/magazines/post-magazine/long-reads/article/3083082/john-pilger-50-years-spent-shining-light John Pilger on 50 years spent shining a light into humanity’s darkest corners, Ed Peters, ''South China Morning Post,''] (9 May 2020) ==See also== *[[Mainstream media]] *[[Alternative media]] *[[Internet]] *[[Journalism]] *[[Julian Assange]] *[[Wikileaks]] ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{commons category}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Pilger, John}} [[Category:Journalists from Australia]] [[Category:Investigative journalists]] [[Category:Socialists]] [[Category:1939 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:People from Sydney]] [[Category:Orators]] [[Category:Non-fiction authors from Australia]] qjz49we5vwlvpyuvdqwi0c9df3md1l4 3152910 3152908 2022-08-09T12:59:21Z Philip Cross 7192 /* About John Pilger */ ce wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:John Pilger in August 2011.jpg|thumb|John Pilger]] [[File:John Pilger with Russell Skelton - Understand This (8056103133).jpg|thumb|Many journalists now are no more than channelers and echoers of what [[George Orwell]] called the 'official truth'. They simply cipher and transmit lies.]] '''[[w:John Pilger|John Richard Pilger]]''' (born [[9 October]] [[1939]]) is an Australian journalist and broadcaster/documentary maker based in London and Sydney. ==Quotes== === 1998 === * It is not enough for [[journalists]] to see themselves as mere messengers without [[understanding]] the [[w:hidden agenda|hidden agenda]]s of the message and the myths that surround it. ** ''Hidden Agendas'' (1998). === 2001 === * On the [[September 11 attacks]]: In these surreal days, there is one truth. Nothing justified the killing of innocent people in America last week and nothing justifies the killing of innocent people anywhere else. ** [http://www.guardian.co.uk/wtccrash/story/0,1300,555452,00.html "Blair has made Britain a target"] ''The Guardian'' (21 September 2001). * More [[terrorist]]s are given training and sanctuary in the United States than anywhere on earth. They include mass murderers, [[torture]]rs, former and future [[tyrant]]s and assorted international criminals. This is virtually unknown to the American public, thanks to the freest media on earth. * During my lifetime, America has been constantly waging war against much of humanity: impoverished people mostly, in stricken places. ** [http://www.guardian.co.uk/wtccrash/story/0,1300,555452,00.html "Blair has made Britain a target"] ''The Guardian'' (21 September 2001). === 2002 === * There is no War on Terrorism; it is the {{w|Great Game|Great Game}} speeded up. The difference is the rampant nature of the {{w|Superpower|superpower}}, ensuring infinite dangers for us all. ** [https://www.theguardian.com/world/2002/jul/14/usa.terrorism "The great charade"] ''The Guardian'' (14 July 2002). * The censorship is such on television in the US that films like mine don't stand a chance. * Many journalists now are no more than channelers and echoers of what [[George Orwell]] called the 'official truth'. They simply cipher and transmit lies. It really grieves me that so many of my fellow journalists can be so manipulated that they become really what the French describe as 'functionaires', functionaries, not journalists. Many journalists become very defensive when you suggest to them that they are anything but impartial and objective. The problem with those words 'impartiality' and 'objectivity' is that they have lost their dictionary meaning. They've been taken over... [they] now mean the establishment point of view... Journalists don't sit down and think, 'I'm now going to speak for the establishment.' Of course not. But they internalise a whole set of assumptions, and one of the most potent assumptions is that the world should be seen in terms of its usefulness to the West, not humanity. ** cited by David Barsamian in [https://www.google.co.uk/books/edition/Louder_Than_Bombs/zWQkIPrIAAsC?hl=en&gbpv=1&dq=%22censorship+is+such+on+television+in+the+U.S.+that+films+like+mine+don%27t+stand+a+chance%22&pg=PA34&printsec=frontcover ''Louder Than Bombs: Interviews from the Progressive Magazine''] p. 34 (2004) from interview on <!-- Identified as the day before the 28 September 2002 anti-war protests -->27 September 2002. === 2005 === * If those who support aggressive war had seen a fraction of what I've seen, if they'd watched children fry to death from [[Napalm]] and bleed to death from a [[cluster bomb]], they might not utter the claptrap they do. ** [http://www.guardian.co.uk/media/2005/nov/13/pressandpublishing.observermagazine "This Much I know"] ''The Observer'' (13 November 2005). * The impact of the human tragedies I've reported on is that, more often than not, I'll be angry. I want to know why is this child dying? These are not acts of God; they're results of respectable politicians' decisions. ** [http://www.guardian.co.uk/media/2005/nov/13/pressandpublishing.observermagazine "This Much I know"] ''The Observer'' (13 November 2005). * When governments and other vested interests attack me personally I usually regard it as a vindication, otherwise they would use facts. That's why I believe in the wonderful [[Claud Cockburn]] dictum, 'Never believe anything until it is officially denied.' It has certainly been my experience. ** [http://www.guardian.co.uk/media/2005/nov/13/pressandpublishing.observermagazine "This Much I know"] ''The Observer'' (13 November 2005). * I love irony in pictures. There's one photograph from Vietnam by [[Philip Jones Griffiths]] that shows a very large GI having his pocket picked by a tiny Vietnamese woman. It told the whole story of the clash of two cultures and how the invader could never win. ** [http://www.guardian.co.uk/media/2005/nov/13/pressandpublishing.observermagazine "This Much I Know"] ''The Observer'' (13 November 2005). === 2009 === * [On [[Barack Obama]]:] No one knew what the new brand actually stood for. So accomplished was the advertising (a record $75m was spent on television commercials alone) that many Americans actually believed Obama shared their opposition to Bush’s wars. In fact, he had repeatedly backed Bush’s warmongering and its congressional funding. Many Americans also believed he was the heir to Martin Luther King’s legacy of anti-colonialism. Yet if Obama had a theme at all, apart from the vacuous 'Change you can believe in,' it was the renewal of America as a dominant, avaricious bully. 'We will be the most powerful,' he often declared. ** John Pilger, [http://www.newstatesman.com/north-america/2009/05/barack-obama-pilger-bush "The Madmen Did Well"] ''New Statesman'' (30 April 2009). * We are beckoned to see the world through a one-way mirror, as if we are threatened and innocent and the rest of humanity is threatening, or wretched, or expendable. Our memory is struggling to rescue the truth that human rights were not handed down as privileges from a parliament, or a boardroom, or an institution, but that peace is only possible with justice and with information that gives us the power to act justly. ** John Pilger, Sydney Peace Prize acceptance speech, University of Sydney (4 November 2009). * The major western democracies are moving towards corporatism. Democracy has become a business plan, with a bottom line for every human activity, every dream, every decency, every hope. The main parliamentary parties are now devoted to the same economic policies&nbsp;— socialism for the rich, capitalism for the poor&nbsp;— and the same foreign policy of servility to endless war. This is not democracy. It is to politics what McDonalds is to food. ** John Pilger, [http://johnpilger.com/articles/breaking-the-great-australian-silence Sydney Peace Prize address], Sydney Opera House (5 November 2009). === 2010 === * We journalists... have to be brave enough to defy those who seek our collusion in selling their latest bloody adventure in someone else's country... That means always challenging the official story, however patriotic that story may appear, however seductive and insidious it is. For propaganda relies on us in the media to aim its deceptions not at a far away country but at you at home... In this age of endless imperial war, the lives of countless men, women and children depend on the truth or their blood is on us... Those whose job it is to keep the record straight ought to be the voice of people, not power. ** ''The War You Don't See'' ITV (UK) (14 December 2010). === 2018 === * [[WikiLeaks]] has achieved far more than what The New York Times and The Washington Post in their celebrated incarnations did. No newspaper has come close to matching the secrets and lies of power that Assange and Snowden have disclosed. That both men are fugitives is indicative of the retreat of liberal democracies from principles of freedom and justice. Why is WikiLeaks a landmark in journalism? Because its revelations have told us, with 100 per cent accuracy, how and why much of the world is divided and run. **Quoted in [https://frontline.thehindu.com/cover-story/article25661115.ece "New Cold War & looming threats"] ''Frontline: The Hindu'' (India) (21 December 2018). * I wasn’t “harsh” towards Obama. It was Obama who was harsh towards much of humanity, contrary to his often absurd media image. Obama was one of the most violent U.S. Presidents. He launched or sustained seven wars and left office with none resolved: a record. In his last year as President, 2016, according to the Council on Foreign Relations, he dropped 26,171 bombs. It’s an interesting statistic; it’s three bombs every hour, 24 hours a day, on mostly civilians. The bombing technique Obama made his own was assassination by drone. Every Tuesday, reported ''The New York Times'', he selected the names of those who would die in a “programme” of extrajudicial murder. All males of military age in Yemen and the frontiers of Pakistan were considered fair game. He increased America’s special forces operations around the world, notably in Africa. Along with France and Britain, he and his Secretary of State Hillary Clinton destroyed Libya as a modern state on the false and familiar pretext that its leader was about to conduct a massacre of “innocents”. This led directly to the growth of the medievalists of ISIS [or Islamic State] and a stampede of immigration from Africa to Europe. He overthrew the democratically elected President of Ukraine and installed an openly fascist-backed regime—as a deliberate provocation to Russia. **Quoted in [https://frontline.thehindu.com/cover-story/article25661115.ece ''New Cold War & looming threats, ''Frontline: The Hindu'' (India) (21 December 2018) === 2019 === *'''Journalists can help people by telling the truth, or by as much truth as they can find, and acting not as agents of governments, of power, but of people. That is real journalism. The rest is specious and false.''' *When I began as a journalist, especially as a foreign correspondent, the press in the UK was conservative and owned by powerful establishment forces, as it is now. But the difference compared to today is that there were spaces for independent journalism that dissented from the received 'wisdom' of authority. That space has now all but closed and independent journalists have gone to the internet, or to a metaphoric underground. *The single biggest challenge is rescuing journalism from its deferential role as the stenographer of great power. The United States has constitutionally the freest press on earth, yet in practice it has a media obsequious to the formulas and deceptions of power. That is why the US was effectively given media approval to invade Iraq, and Libya, and Syria and dozens of other countries. **[https://www.thedailystar.net/opinion/interviews/news/real-journalists-act-agents-people-not-power-1687921 "Real journalists act as agents of people, not power"] ''Daily Star'' (Bangladesh) (16 January 2019). *WikiLeaks is possibly the most exciting development in journalism in my lifetime. As an [[investigative journalism|investigative journalist]], I have often had to rely on the courageous, principled acts of whistle-blowers. The truth about the Vietnam War was told when [[Daniel Ellsberg]] leaked the Pentagon Papers. The truth about Iraq and Afghanistan, and Saudi Arabia and many other flashpoints was told when WikiLeaks published the revelations of whistle-blowers. *When you consider that 100 percent of [[WikiLeaks]] leaks are authentic and accurate, you can understand the impact, as well as the fury generated among secretive powerful forces. Julian Assange is a political refugee in London for one reason only: WikiLeaks told the truth about the greatest crimes of the 21st century. He is not forgiven for that, and he should be supported by journalists and by people everywhere. **[https://www.thedailystar.net/opinion/interviews/news/real-journalists-act-agents-people-not-power-1687921 "Real journalists act as agents of people, not power"] ''Daily Star'' (Bangladesh) (16 January 2019) *Since [[Hugo Chavez|Chavez]]’s death in 2013, his successor [[Nicolás Maduro|Nicolas Maduro]] has shed his derisory label in [[Mainstream media|the Western press]] as a 'former bus driver' and [[w:vilified|become]] Saddam Hussein incarnate.... As the journalist and film-maker [[w:Pablo Navarrete|Pablo Navarrete]] reported this week, [[Venezuela]] is not the catastrophe it has been painted. 'There is food everywhere,' he wrote. 'I have filmed lots of videos of food in markets [all over Caracas] … it’s Friday night and the restaurants are full.' * In the pages of [[Mainstream media|liberal newspapers in the West]], race and class are two words almost never uttered in the mendacious “coverage” of Washington’s latest, most naked attempt to grab the world’s greatest source of oil and reclaim its “backyard”. For all the chavistas’ faults — such as allowing the Venezuelan economy to become hostage to the fortunes of oil and never seriously challenging big capital and corruption — they brought social justice and pride to millions of people and they did it with unprecedented democracy. ** [https://www.counterpunch.org/2019/02/22/the-war-on-venezuela-is-built-on-lies/ "The War on Venezuela is Built on Lies"] ''{{w:CounterPunch|Counterpunch}}'' (22 February 2019) *Should the CIA stooge Guaido and his white supremacists grab power, it will be the 68th overthrow of a sovereign government by the United States, most of them democracies. A fire sale of Venezuela’s utilities and mineral wealth will surely follow, along with the theft of the country’s oil, as outlined by John Bolton. Under the last Washington-controlled government in Caracas, poverty reached historic proportions. There was no healthcare for those could not pay. There was no universal education; Mavis Mendez, and millions like her, could not read or write. ** [https://www.counterpunch.org/2019/02/22/the-war-on-venezuela-is-built-on-lies/ "The War on Venezuela is Built on Lies"] ''CounterPunch'' (22 February 2019) *[[Julian Assange|Julian [Assange]]] is a distinguished Australian, who has changed the way many people think about duplicitous governments. For this, he is a political refugee subjected to what the [[United Nations]] calls 'arbitrary detention'. The UN says he has the right of free passage to freedom, but this is denied. He has the right to medical treatment without fear of arrest, but this is denied. He has the right to compensation, but this is denied. As founder and editor of [[WikiLeaks]], his crime has been to make sense of dark times. WikiLeaks has an impeccable record of accuracy and authenticity which no newspaper, no TV channel, no radio station, no BBC, no ''New York Times'', no ''Washington Post'', no ''Guardian'' can equal. Indeed, it shames them. That explains why he is being punished. **[https://www.counterpunch.org/2019/03/04/the-prisoner-says-no-to-big-brother/ "The Prisoner Says No to Big Brother"] ''CounterPunch'' (4 March 2019) *The persecution of [[Julian Assange]] is the conquest of us all: of our independence, our self respect, our intellect, our compassion, our politics, our culture. So stop scrolling. Organise. Occupy. Insist. Persist. Make a noise. Take direct action. Be brave and stay brave. Defy the thought police. War is not peace, freedom is not slavery, ignorance is not strength. If Julian can stand up, so can you: so can all of us. **[https://www.counterpunch.org/2019/03/04/the-prisoner-says-no-to-big-brother/ "The Prisoner Says No to Big Brother"] ''CounterPunch'' (4 March 2019) ===2020=== *On 28 January China said it would welcome international help as it struggled to contain coronavirus. No substantial help has come. Instead of solidarity and defying WHO, the US, Australia, Britain seek to isolate China, returning it to a state of siege and the dangers of the past. **[https://twitter.com/johnpilger/status/1225043791817560064 Twitter] (5 February 2020) *[[2019–20 coronavirus pandemic|'''A pandemic''']] '''has been declared, but not for the 24,600 who die every day from unnecessary starvation, and not for 3,000 children who die every day from preventable malaria, and not for the 10,000 people who die every day because they are denied publicly-funded healthcare, and not for the hundreds of Venezuelans and Iranians who die every day because America's blockade denies them life-saving medicines, and not for the hundreds of mostly children bombed or starved to death every day in Yemen, in a war supplied and kept going, profitably, by America and Britain. Before you panic, consider them.''' **Quoted in [https://www.theweek.in/news/world/2020/03/12/here-is-what-legendary-journalist-john-pilger-said-about-coronavirus-outbreak.html Here is what legendary journalist John Pilger said about coronavirus outbreak] "Pilger decries inattention to hunger, malaria and American wars and blockades" [[w:The Week|''The Week'']], (12 March 2020). *It’s difficult to separate the [[W:Uyghurs|Uygurs]] from the barrage of anti-China denunciations coming from the US, most of which have a script familiar to those who follow America’s 'soft' campaigns against its strategic enemies... The [[Mainstream media|leading US media]] are invariably the [[cipher]]. 'In China, every day is [[w:Kristallnacht|Kristallnacht]]', declared ''The Washington Post'' [last November], likening China’s treatment of the Uygurs to that of the Nazi genocide of the Jews.... That’s not untypical; it reads as if it has been written by the [[w:US Agency for International Development|US Agency for International Development]] or the [[w:National Endowment for Democracy|National Endowment for Democracy]], which fills in for the [[CIA]]. No one doubts the ruthless reaction of Beijing to separatists, but as a reporter, I would like to see for myself.<BR> * I suggest [[w:John_Pilger#The_Dirty_War_on_the_National_Health_Service_(2019)|in ''The Dirty War on the NHS'']] we look beyond this virus and ask how our current state of [[fear]] and its mass [[obedience]] will be exploit­ed in future. Will the workers 'stood down' ever see their jobs again? Will [[artificial intelligence]] consume freedoms that have been suspended? As Edward Snowden says, the disease of mass surveillance will outlast this pandemic. Will Julian Assange [the Australian founder of WikiLeaks], persecuted for the crime of truthful journalism, survive? **[[John Pilger]] quoted in Ed Peters [https://www.scmp.com/magazines/post-magazine/long-reads/article/3083082/john-pilger-50-years-spent-shining-light John Pilger on 50 years spent shining a light into humanity’s darkest corners"] ''South China Morning Post'' ] (9 May 2020). *The coming war on China is likely to happen by mistake or accident as a result of deliberate provocations by the US and its echoes. Under cover of the pandemic, the Trump regime is sending strategic bombers and spy drones within sight of China itself. Our silence is our peril. **[https://twitter.com/johnpilger/status/1273141084500250625 Twitter] (17 June 2020). *Julian #Assange is in solitary, denied visitors. He ordered a radio from the prison catalogue six months ago. A friend also ordered him a radio and the authorities returned it, unopened. Even the Beirut hostages Waite, Keenan and McCarthy listened to a radio. This is torture. **[https://twitter.com/johnpilger/status/1271953789440811009 Twitter] (13 June 2020). *I grew up in the cold war. Third-rate academics and a rag bag of charlatans made fools of themselves with their mighty [[conspiracy theory]] of Chinese (aka the [[w:Yellow Peril|Yellow Peril]]) under our beds. They're back! **[https://twitter.com/johnpilger/status/1273605518532075522 Twitter] (18 June 2020). *The fake "independent institute" promoting the China "threat" in the West is the Australian Strategic Policy Institute, the go-to source for Vichy journalists currently hoodwinking the public. It's exposed [https://www.michaelwest.com.au/independent-think-tank-aspi-behind-push-for-more-defence-spending-rakes-in-advisory-fees/ here] as a front for warmongers and arms companies. **[https://twitter.com/johnpilger/status/1278305945743790080 Twitter] (1 July 2020). *The ruthless sell-off of Britain's National Health Service during Covid by the [[Boris Johnson]] govt is a [[Crimes against humanity|crime against humanity]]. **[https://twitter.com/johnpilger/status/1281223588943626240 Twitter] (9 July 2020). *To quote, without verifiable evidence, "western intelligence sources" is never journalism; it is almost always propaganda. I learned that as a reporter. The cold war drum beat of the BBC and others is leading us to a world war. **[https://twitter.com/johnpilger/status/1285869017412956160 Twitter] (22 July 2020). ==About John Pilger== *Over the course of nearly three-and-a-half months, the novel [[coronavirus]] outbreak has infected over 127,000 and left over 4,700 dead. While this has sparked global panic and a WHO-declaration of a pandemic, then death toll is still a far cry from that of starvation, Malaria and war. This was the point made by BAFTA-award winning journalist and documentary filmmaker John Pilger who took to Facebook on Thursday, to highlight how, despite the fact that 24,600 people died each day from starvation and 3,000 children from preventable Malaria, no pandemic has been declared for them. **[https://www.theweek.in/news/world/2020/03/12/here-is-what-legendary-journalist-john-pilger-said-about-coronavirus-outbreak.html Here is what legendary journalist John Pilger said about coronavirus outbreak] Pilger decries inattention to hunger, malaria and American wars and blockades, [[w:The Week|''The Week'']], (12 March 2020) *His trademark has always been to sidestep the accepted version of the facts, a [[w:modus operandi|modus operandi]] that served him well during the Vietnam war, in the apocalyptic post-Pol Pot Cambodia, the killing fields of East Timor and countless other hotspots... becoming an octogenari­an hasn’t mellowed him in the least. *([[W:John_Pilger#The_Coming_War_on_China_(2016)|''The Coming War on China'']]) was made before news broke of the upheavals in Xinjiang, along with reports that the Uygur minority was being persecuted. Typically, Pilger’s reaction was to avoid instantly pointing a finger at Beijing, and to look for an alternative narrative... The major broadcasters in [[China]] competed to acquire rights to show the film (''The Coming War on China'') ... All I had to do, they said, was remove the Tiananmen Square sequence. Interestingly, the references to dissidents and other critical sections could stay. I said ‘no’ to any changes, and there were no deals. Within a week, [a pirated version] appeared on the internet with Chinese subtitles – including the Tiananmen Square sequence. Then a friend called from Shanghai to say he had bought a DVD of the film in his local shop – unedited and openly on sale.” **[https://www.scmp.com/magazines/post-magazine/long-reads/article/3083082/john-pilger-50-years-spent-shining-light John Pilger on 50 years spent shining a light into humanity’s darkest corners, Ed Peters, ''South China Morning Post,''] (9 May 2020) ==See also== *[[Mainstream media]] *[[Alternative media]] *[[Internet]] *[[Journalism]] *[[Julian Assange]] *[[Wikileaks]] ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{commons category}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Pilger, John}} [[Category:Journalists from Australia]] [[Category:Investigative journalists]] [[Category:Socialists]] [[Category:1939 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:People from Sydney]] [[Category:Orators]] [[Category:Non-fiction authors from Australia]] 6vkbydfw4b05lmezk7n1w5mpwk387px 0 128615 3153166 3134442 2022-08-10T09:30:41Z AC9016 2870313 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows – Part 2|Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows – Part 2]]''''' is a [[w:2011 in film|2011]] epic fantasy film in which Harry, Ron and Hermione search for Voldemort's remaining Horcruxes in their effort to destroy the Dark Lord as the final battle rages on at Hogwarts. :''Directed by [[w:David Yates|David Yates]]. Written by [[w:Steve Kloves|Steve Kloves]], based on [[Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows|the novel]] by [[J. K. Rowling]].'' {{center|'''It All Ends Here.'''[[#Taglines|taglines]]}} [[File:Grinfindor sword-P5120198-black.jpg|thumb|"You do realize, of course, we can't keep out You-Know-Who indefinitely."<br>"That doesn't mean we can't delay him. And his name is ''Voldemort'', Filius, you might as well use it; he's going to try to kill you ''either way''."]] [[File:J G Trautmann Das brennende Troja.jpg|thumb|Harry Potter, I now speak directly to you. On this night, you have allowed your friends to die for you, rather than face me yourself. There is no greater dishonor. Join me in the Forbidden Forest, and confront your fate. If you do not do this, I shall kill every last man, woman and child who tries to conceal you from me.]] == Ron Weasley == * ''[About Griphook]'' That little git. Least we've still got Bogrod. ''[Bogrod gets incinerated by the dragon]'' That's unfortunate. * ''[After Goyle attempted to kill Hermione with the Killing Curse in the Room of Requirement]'' '''That's my girlfriend, you numpties!''' * Goyle's set the bloody place on fire! * ''[about saving Malfoy]'' If we die for them, Harry, I'm gonna KILL YOU! == Lord Voldemort == * ''[to Nagini, speaking in Parseltongue]'' The boy has discovered our secret, Nagini. It makes us vulnerable. We must deploy all our forces now to find him. And you, my friend, must stay close. * ''[watching as Hogwarts is protected by spells]'' They never learn. Pity. * ''[to all of Hogwarts]'' I know that many of you will want to fight. Some of you may even think that to fight is wise. But this is folly. Give me Harry Potter. Do this and none shall be harmed. Give me Harry Potter, and I shall leave Hogwarts untouched. Give me Harry Potter, and you will be rewarded. You have one hour. * ''[to all of Hogwarts]'' You have fought valiantly, but in vain. I do not wish this. Every drop of magical blood spilled is a terrible waste. I therefore command my forces to retreat. In their absence, dispose of your dead with dignity. Harry Potter, I now speak directly to you. On this night, you have allowed your friends to die for you, rather than face me yourself. There is no greater dishonor. Join me in the Forbidden Forest, and confront your fate. If you do not do this, I shall kill every last man, woman and child who tries to conceal you from me. * Harry Potter, the Boy who Lived... come to die. ''[pause]'' ''Avada Kedavra''! * ''[last words]'' I killed Snape. == Severus Snape == * ''[last words, as Harry collects his tears]'' Take them to the Pensieve. Look at me. You have your mother's eyes. ''[dies]'' == Minerva McGonagall == * ''[to the statues after bringing them to life and fight by using the spell Piertotum Locomotor]'' Hogwarts is threatened! Man the boundaries, protect us! Do your duty to our school! ''[to Molly, excited]'' I've always wanted to use that spell! == Others == *'''Lily Potter''': ''[in Snape’s memory]'' Harry, you are so loved, so loved. ''[Whispering]'' Harry, Mama loves you. Dada loves you. Harry, be safe. Be strong. * '''Molly Weasley''': ''[in anger towards Bellatrix for trying to kill Ginny]'' Not my daughter, YOU BITCH! == Dialogue == :'''Ollivander''': He's after you, Mr. Potter. If it's true what you say and [[w:Lord Voldemort|he]] has found the Elder Wand, I'm afraid you really don't stand a chance. :'''Harry Potter''': I suppose I'll have to kill him before he finds me, then. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Death Eater''': ''[addressing Bellatrix, who is actually Hermione in disguise under the Polyjuice Potion]'' Madam Lestrange. :'''Hermione Granger''': ''[addressing a Death Eater]'' Good morning! :'''Griphook''': "Good morning?" '''''"Good morning?"''''' You're '''''Bellatrix Lestrange''''', not some dewey-eyed schoolgirl! :'''Ron Weasley''': Oi! Easy! :'''Griphook''': If she gives us away, we might as well use that sword to slit our own throats. Understand? :'''Hermione''': No, he's right. I was being stupid. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Harry Potter''': He knows. You-Know-Who. He knows we broke into Gringotts, he knows what we took, and he knows we're hunting Horcruxes. :'''Hermione Granger''': How is it you know? :'''Harry Potter''': I saw him. :'''Hermione Granger''': You let him in? Harry, you can't do that! :'''Harry Potter''': Hermione, I can't always help it! Well, maybe I can, I don't know. :'''Ron Weasley''': Never mind; what happened? :'''Harry Potter''': Well, he's angry, and he's scared too. He knows if we find and destroy all the Horcruxes, we'll be able to kill him. I reckon he'll stop at nothing to make sure we don't find the rest. There's more. One of them's at Hogwarts. :'''Hermione Granger''': What? You saw it? :'''Harry Potter''': I saw the castle. And Rowena Ravenclaw. They must have something to do with her. We have to go there, now. :'''Hermione Granger''': What? We can't do that! We've got to plan, we've got to figure it out... :'''Harry Potter''': Hermione, when have any of our plans ever '''''actually worked?''''' We plan, we get there, all hell breaks loose. :'''Ron Weasley''': He's right. One problem. Snape's headmaster now; we can't just walk in through the front door. :'''Harry Potter''': Well, we'll go to Hogsmeade, to Honeyduke's. Take the secret passage in the cellar. It's... There's something wrong with him. It's like, you know, in the past, I've always been able to follow his thoughts. And now, everything just feels disconnected. :'''Ron Weasley''': Maybe it's the Horcruxes. Maybe he's growing weaker; maybe he's dying. :'''Harry Potter''': No. No, it's...it's more like he's wounded. If anything, he feels more dangerous. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The trio arrive at Aberforth’s house in Hogsmeade]'' :'''Aberforth Dumbledore''': Bloody fools, what were you thinking coming here? Have you any idea of how dangerous it is? :'''Harry Potter''': You’re Aberforth, Dumbledore's brother. It's '''''you''''' that I've been seeing in here [referring to the shard of mirror]. You're the one who sent Dobby. :'''Aberforth Dumbledore''': Where have you left him? :'''Harry Potter''': He's dead. :'''Aberforth Dumbledore''': Sorry to hear it. I liked that elf. :'''Harry Potter''': Who gave that to you? The mirror? :'''Aberforth Dumbledore''': Mundungus Fletcher. About a year ago. :'''Harry Potter''': Dung had no right sending it to you. It belongs to... :'''Aberforth Dumbledore''': Sirius. Albus told me. He also told me you'd likely be hacked off if you ever found out that I had it, but ask yourself: '''''where would you be if I didn't?''''' :''[Gives the trio some food]'' :'''Hermione Granger''': Do you hear from the others much? From the Order? :'''Aberforth Dumbledore''': The Order's finished. You-Know-Who's won. Anyone who says otherwise is kidding themselves. :'''Harry Potter''': We need to get into Hogwarts, tonight. Dumbledore gave us a job to do. :'''Aberforth Dumbledore''': Did he now? Nice job? Easy? :'''Harry Potter''': We've been hunting Horcruxes. We think the last one's inside the castle, but we'll need your help in getting in. :'''Aberforth Dumbledore''': It's not a job my brother's given you. It's a suicide mission. Do yourself a favor, boy, and go home. Live a little longer. :'''Harry Potter''': Dumbledore trusted me to see this through. :'''Aberforth Dumbledore''': What makes you think you can trust him? What makes you think you can believe anything my brother told you? In all the time you knew him, did he ever mention my name? Did he ever mention hers? ''[referring to the portrait of Ariana on the wall]'' :'''Harry Potter''': Why should he... :'''Aberforth Dumbledore''': ...Keep secrets, you tell me? :'''Harry Potter''': I trusted him. :'''Aberforth Dumbledore''': That's a '''''boy's answer'''''. A boy who goes chasing Horcruxes on the word of a man who wouldn't even tell you where to start. You're lying! Not just to me, it doesn't matter, but to yourself as well. That's what a fool does. You don't strike me as a fool, Harry Potter. So, I'll ask you again, there must be a reason. :''[after a moment of silence]'' :'''Harry Potter''': I'm not interested in what happened between you and your brother. I don't care that you've given up. I trusted the man I knew. We need to get into the castle tonight. :'''Aberforth Dumbledore''': [motions toward Ariana’s portrait] You know what to do. :''[Ariana’s image nods and turns away]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Neville Longbottom''': Right then, so what's the plan, Harry? :'''Harry Potter''': Okay, there's something we need to find, something hidden here in the castle, and it may help us defeat You-Know-Who. :'''Neville Longbottom''': Right, what is it? :'''Harry Potter''': We don't know. :'''Dean Thomas''': Where is it? :'''Harry Potter''': We don't know that either. I realize that's not much to go on. :'''Seamus Finnigan''': That's nothin’ to go on. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ginny Weasley''': ''[sees Harry]'' Harry! :'''Harry Potter''': Hi there. :''[Awkward pause]'' :'''Ron Weasley''': Six months she hasn't see me. It’s like I'm a Frankie First Year. I'm only her brother... :'''Seamus Finnigan''': She's got lots of those, though. There’s only one Harry. :'''Ron Weasley''': Shut up, Seamus. : '''Neville Longbottom''': ''[to Ginny]'' What is it, Ginny? :'''Ginny Weasley''': Snape knows. He '''''knows''''' that Harry was spotted in Hogsmeade. :''[All of the students stare at the trio disapprovingly]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Professor Snape''': ''[to Hogwarts students]'' Many of you are surely wondering why I have summoned you at this hour. It's come to my attention that earlier this evening, Harry Potter was sighted in Hogsmeade. Now, should anyone, student or staff, attempt to aid Mr. Potter, they will be punished, in a manner consistent with the severity of their transgression. Furthermore, any person found to have knowledge of these events... who fails to come forward, will be treated... as... '''''equally''''' guilty. If anyone here knows any knowledge of Mr. Potter's movements this evening, I invite them to step forward... '''''now'''''. :''[There is a long pause, as the assembled students and professors just stare at the ground in terror. Harry then steps out from the crowd, causing audible gasps from everyone present]'' : '''Harry Potter''': ''[coldly]'' It seems despite your '''''exhaustive defensive strategies''''', you still have a bit of a security problem, Headmaster. ''[Order of Phoenix members enter]'' And I'm afraid it's quite extensive. How dare you stand where [[w:Albus Dumbledore|he]] stood. Tell them how it happened that night! How you looked him in the eye, a man who trusted you, and killed him! Tell them! :''[McGonagall and Snape fight with their wands as all the students move to either side of the Great Hall. [[w:Alecto_and_Amycus_Carrow|The Carrows]] fall to the ground as a result of Snape’s redirection of McGonagall’s spell and Snape then retreats]'' :'''Minerva McGonagall''': Coward! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Pansy Parkinson''': ''[after a long silence]'' What are you waiting for? Someone grab him! :''[Ginny, Hermione and the others walk up to protect Harry.]'' :'''Argus Filch''': ''[running in with Mrs. Norris; yelling]'' Students out of bed! STUDENTS OUT OF BED! Students in the corridor! :'''Minerva McGonagall''': ''[snapping]'' They're ''supposed'' to be out of bed, you blithering idiot! :'''Argus Filch''': Oh. Sorry, ma'am. :'''Minerva McGonagall''': As it happens, Mr. Filch, your arrival is most opportune. If you would, I would like you, please, to lead Miss Parkinson and the rest of Slytherin House from the Hall! ''[motions with her wand]'' :'''Argus Filch''': Exactly where is it I'll be leading ‘em to, ma'am? :'''Minerva McGonagall''': The dungeons would do. :''[The other students cheer wildly]'' :'''Minerva McGonagall''': I presume you have a reason for returning, Potter. What is it you need? :'''Harry Potter''': Time, Professor. As much as you can get me. :'''Minerva McGonagall''': Do what you have to do. I’ll secure the castle. ''[as Harry turns to leave]'' And Potter, it’s good to see you. :'''Harry Potter''': It’s good to see you, too, Professor. ''[leaves]'' :'''Harry Potter''': ''[to Neville]'' Hold the fort, Neville. :'''Neville Longbottom''': Let me get this straight, Professor. ''[grabs her arm]'' You're actually giving us permission to do this? :'''Minerva McGonagall''': That is correct, Longbottom. :'''Neville Longbottom''': To blow it up? Boom? :'''Minerva McGonagall''': '''''BOOM!''''' :'''Neville Longbottom''': ''[laughing]'' Wicked. But how on earth are we gonna do that? :'''Minerva McGonagall''': Why don't you confer with Mr. Finnigan? As I recall, he has a particular proclivity for pyrotechnics. :'''Seamus Finnigan''': ''[nodding]'' I can bring it down. :'''Minerva McGonagall''': That's the spirit. Off you go. :'''Filius Flitwick''': You do realize, of course, we can't keep out You-Know-Who indefinitely. :'''Minerva McGonagall''': That doesn't mean we can't delay him. And his name is ''Voldemort'', Filius, you might as well use it; he's going to try to kill you ''either way''. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Remus Lupin''': It is the quality of one’s convictions that determines success, not the number of followers. :'''Kingsley Shacklebolt''': Who said that? :'''Remus Lupin''': Me. <hr width="50%"/> :'''George Weasley''': You okay, Freddie? :'''Fred Weasley''': Yeah. :'''George Weasley''': Me too. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Luna Lovegood''': Harry, wait, I need to talk to you. :'''Harry Potter''': I'm a bit preoccupied at the moment, Luna. :'''Luna Lovegood''': You won't find it where you're going, you're wasting your time. :'''Harry Potter''': We'll talk later, okay, Luna? :'''Luna Lovegood''': Harry! :'''Harry Potter''': Um, later. :'''Luna Lovegood''': ''[shouting]'' ''Harry Potter! You listen to me right now!'' ''[calmer]'' Don't you remember what Cho said about Rowena Ravenclaw's diadem? There's not a person '''''alive''''' who's seen it. It's obvious, isn't it? We have to talk to someone who's dead. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Harry Potter''': You're the Grey Lady. The Ghost of Ravenclaw Tower. :'''Helena Ravenclaw''': I do not answer to that name. :'''Harry Potter''': No, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It's Helena, isn't it? Helena Ravenclaw. Rowena's daughter. :'''Helena Ravenclaw''': Are you a friend of Luna's? :'''Harry Potter''': Yes. And she thought you might be able to help me. :'''Helena Ravenclaw''': You seek my mother's diadem. :'''Harry Potter''': Yes. That's right. :'''Helena Ravenclaw''': Luna is kind, unlike so many of the others. But she was wrong. I cannot help you. :'''Harry Potter''': Wait! Please! I want to destroy it. ''[pause]'' That's what you want too, isn't it, Helena? You want it destroyed. :'''Helena Ravenclaw''': Another swore to destroy it many years ago... a strange boy with a strange name. :'''Harry Potter''': Tom Riddle. :'''Helena Ravenclaw''': But he lied. :'''Harry Potter''': He's lied to many people. :'''Helena Ravenclaw''': '''''I know what he's done! I know who he is!''''' '''''HE DEFILED IT''''' '''''WITH DARK MAGIC!''''' :''[after a moment of silence]'' :'''Harry Potter''': I can destroy it once and for all. But only if you tell me where he hid it. You do know where he hid it, don't you, Helena? You just have to tell me. Please. :'''Helena Ravenclaw''': ''[floats around Harry as she says this]'' Strange. You remind me of him a bit. It's here, in the castle, in the place where everything is hidden. If you have to ask, you will never know. If you know, you need only ask. ''[floats away]'' :'''Harry Potter''': Thank you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Draco Malfoy''': ''[points his wand at Harry]'' Well, well. What brings you here, Potter? :'''Harry Potter''': Might ask you the same. :'''Draco Malfoy''': You have something of mine. I'd like it back. :'''Harry Potter''': ''[Nudging to his wand]'' Well, what's wrong with the one you have? :'''Draco Malfoy''': It's my mother's, it's powerful but it's... not the same. It doesn't quite... understand. You know what I mean? :'''Harry Potter''': Why didn't you tell her? Bellatrix? You knew it was me. But you didn't say anything. :'''Gregory Goyle''': C'mon Draco, don't be a prat, do it. :''[Hermione enters, firing a spell at them]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lucius Malfoy''': My Lord, might it be less... Might it not be more prudent to call off this attack? Simply seek the boy yourself? :'''Lord Voldemort''': I do not need to seek the boy. Before the night is out, he will come to me! Do you understand?! ''[slaps his face]'' Look at me! How can you live with yourself, Lucius? :'''Lucius Malfoy''': I... I don't know. :'''Lord Voldemort''': Go and find Severus. Bring him to me. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Snape and Voldemort are inside the boathouse]'' :'''Severus Snape''': You have performed extraordinary magic with this wand, my Lord, in the last few hours alone. :'''Lord Voldemort''': No. No, I '''''am''''' extraordinary, but the wand... resists me. :''[the trio are now outside the boathouse crouched down, listening]'' :'''Severus Snape''': There is no wand more powerful, Ollivander himself has said it. Tonight, when the boy comes, it will not fail you, I am sure of it. It answers to you, and you only. :'''Lord Voldemort''': Does it? :'''Severus Snape''': My Lord... :'''Lord Voldemort''': The wand, does it truly answer to me? You're a clever man, Severus. Surely, you must know. Where does its true loyalty lie? :'''Severus Snape''': With you, of course, my Lord. :'''Lord Voldemort''': The Elder Wand cannot serve me properly because I am not its true master. The Elder Wand belongs to the wizard who killed its last owner. You killed Dumbledore, Severus. While you live, the Elder Wand cannot truly be mine. You've been a good and faithful servant, Severus, but '''''only I can live...forever'''''. :'''Severus Snape''': My Lord... ''[Voldemort slashes with his wand and cuts Snape's throat; blood spills; Severus falls onto the window]'' :'''Lord Voldemort''': Nagini, kill. ''[Nagini repeatedly bites Snape, mortally wounding him]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Harry is viewing Snape's memories in the Pensieve in Dumbledore’s office]'' :'''Severus Snape''': It will contain the curse to your hand for the time being. It will spread, Albus. :'''Albus Dumbledore''': How long? :'''Severus Snape''': Maybe a year. :''[Snape turns to leave, but Dumbledore stops him]'' :'''Albus Dumbledore''': Don't ignore me, Severus. We both know Lord Voldemort has ordered the Malfoy boy to murder me. But should he fail, one should presume that the Dark Lord would turn to you. You must be the one to kill me, Severus. It is the only way. Only then will the Dark Lord trust you completely. ''[We see Dumbledore being killed by Snape, as shown in ''Half-Blood Prince'']'' There will come a time when Harry Potter must be told something, but you must wait until Lord Voldemort is at his most vulnerable. :'''Severus Snape''': Must be told what? :''[As Dumbledore speaks, we see a worried Snape running inside the Potter home]'' :'''Albus Dumbledore''': On the night Lord Voldemort went to Godric's Hollow to kill Harry, and Lily Potter cast herself between them, the curse rebounded. When that happened, a part of Voldemort's soul latched itself onto the only living thing that it could find: '''''Harry himself.''''' There is a reason Harry can speak with snakes. There is a reason he can look into Voldemort's mind. A part of Voldemort ''lives'' inside him. :'''Severus Snape''': So, when the time comes...the boy must die? :'''Albus Dumbledore''': Yes...yes...he must die. :''[We see Snape arrive in Harry's bedroom and collapsing in horror at the sight of Lily's dead body]'' :'''Severus Snape''': You've kept [[w:Harry Potter (character)|him]] alive so he can die at the proper moment. You've been raising him like a pig for slaughter! :'''Albus Dumbledore''': Don't tell me now that you've grown to care for the boy. :'''Severus Snape''': Expecto Patronum! ''[casts a deer Patronus, the same one that helped Harry find the Sword of Gryffindor in ''Part 1''] :'''Albus Dumbledore''': ''[realizing]'' Lily? ''[A crying Snape is shown holding Lily's body]'' After all this time? :'''Severus Snape''': '''''Always'''''. So, when the time comes...the boy must die? :'''Albus Dumbledore''': Yes, he must die. And Voldemort himself must do it. That is essential. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Harry Potter''': ''[Walking into a clearing in the Forest, Harry pulls the Snitch from his pocket]'' I'm ready to die. ''[He kisses it, and it opens to reveal a small black stone]'' The Resurrection Stone... :''[his parents, Sirius, and Remus appear in the clearing]'' :'''Lily Potter''': You've been so brave, sweetheart. :'''Harry Potter''': Why are you here, all of you? :'''Lily Potter''': We never left. :'''Harry Potter''': Does it hurt, dying? :'''Sirius Black''': Quicker than falling asleep. :'''James Potter''': You're nearly there, son. :'''Harry Potter''': I'm sorry. I never wanted any of you to die for me. And Remus, your son... :'''Remus Lupin''': Others will tell him what his mother and father died for. One day, he'll understand. :'''Harry Potter''': You'll stay with me? :'''James Potter''': Until the end. :'''Harry Potter''': And he won't be able to see you? :'''Sirius Black''': No. ''[points to Harry's heart]'' We're here, you see. :'''Harry Potter''': Stay close to me. :'''Lily Potter''': ''Always''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Voldemort ''kills'' Harry in the forest, he is left in limbo and meets Dumbledore in what looks like King’s Cross Station]'' :'''Albus Dumbledore''': Harry, you wonderful boy. You brave man. Let us walk. :'''Harry Potter''': Professor, what is that? :''[A creature that looks like a much smaller version of Voldemort is in the fetal position under a bench]'' :'''Albus Dumbledore''': Something beyond either of our help. A part of Voldemort, sent here to die. :'''Harry Potter''': And exactly where are we? :'''Albus Dumbledore''': I was going to ask you that. Where would you say that we are? :'''Harry Potter''': Well, it looks like King's Cross Station, only cleaner, and without all the trains. :'''Albus Dumbledore''': King's Cross, is that right? This is, as they say, your party. I expect you now realize that you and Voldemort have been connected by something other than fate, since that night in Godric's Hollow all those years ago. :'''Harry Potter''': So it's true then, isn't it, Sir? A part of him lives in me, doesn't it? :'''Albus Dumbledore''': Did. It was just destroyed many moments ago by none other than Voldemort himself. ''You'' were the Horcrux he never meant to make, Harry. :''[They sit on a bench]'' :'''Harry Potter''': I have to go back, haven't I? :'''Albus Dumbledore''': Oh, that's up to you. :'''Harry Potter''': I have a choice? :'''Albus Dumbledore''': Oh, yes. We're in King's Cross, you say? I think if you so desired, you'd be able to board a train. :'''Harry Potter''': And where would it take me? :'''Albus Dumbledore''': ''[chuckles]'' On. :''[Dumbledore begins walking away]'' :'''Harry Potter''': Voldemort has the Elder Wand. :'''Albus Dumbledore''': True. :'''Harry Potter''': And the snake's still alive. :'''Albus Dumbledore''': Yes. :'''Harry Potter''': And I've nothing to kill it with. :'''Albus Dumbledore''': ''[walks back to Harry]'' Help will always be given at Hogwarts, Harry, to those who ask for it. I've always prized myself on my ability to turn a phrase. '''Words are, in my not so humble opinion, our most inexhaustible source of magic. Capable of both inflicting injury, and remedying it.''' But I would, in this case, amend my original statement to this: "Help would always be given at Hogwarts to those who deserve it." Do not pity the dead, Harry. Pity the living. And above all, those who live without love. :'''Harry Potter''': Professor, my mother's Patronus was a doe, wasn't it? It's the same as Professor Snape's. It's curious, don't you think? :'''Albus Dumbledore''': Actually, if I think about it, it doesn't seem curious at all. I'll be going now, Harry. ''[turns to leave]'' :'''Harry Potter''': Professor? Is this all real? Or is it just happening inside my head? :'''Albus Dumbledore''': '''Of course it's happening inside your head, Harry. Why should that mean that it's not real?''' ''[he fades into the light]'' :'''Harry Potter''': Professor, what shall I do? Professor? :''[Back in the forest, Voldemort woke up after the sixth Horcrux was destroyed]'' :'''Bellatrix Lestrange''': My Lord? My Lord? :'''Lord Voldemort''': I don't want your help! :'''Bellatrix Lestrange''': ''[to Narcissa]'' The boy... is he dead? :'''Narcissa Malfoy''': ''[leaning into Harry, her eyes widen as she feels his heart still beating]'' Is he alive? Draco, is he alive? ''[Harry nods, then she stands and faces Voldemort with one lie]'' Dead. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ginny Weasley''': Who is that Hagrid's carrying? Neville, who is it? :'''Lord Voldemort''': Harry Potter... is ''dead!'' :'''Ginny Weasley''': '''''No! NO!!''''' :'''Lord Voldemort''': Silence! ''[fires a spell towards Ginny, causing her to back down]'' Stupid girl. Harry Potter is dead. ''[to Hogwarts' assembled]'' From this day forth, you put your faith... in me. ''[to Death Eaters]'' Harry Potter is dead! ''[he and his Death Eaters laugh]'' And now is the time to declare yourself. Come forward and join us... or die. :'''Lucius Malfoy''': Draco! Draco. :'''Narcissa Malfoy''': Draco, come. :''[Reluctantly, Draco walks over to Voldemort, who hugs him]'' :'''Lord Voldemort''': Well done, Draco. Well done. ''[Draco walks to his parents. Neville comes forward]'' Well, I must say, I hoped for better. ''[Death Eaters laugh]'' And who might you be, young man? :'''Neville Longbottom''': Neville Longbottom. :''[Death Eaters laugh]'' :'''Bellatrix Lestrange''': Ha-ha! :'''Lord Voldemort''': Well, Neville, I'm sure we can find a place for you in our ranks-- :'''Neville Longbottom''': I'd like to say somethin’. :'''Lord Voldemort''': ''[makes a fist, but then lowers it]'' Well, Neville, I'm sure we'd all be fascinated to hear what you have to say. :'''Neville Longbottom''': It doesn't matter that Harry's gone. :'''Seamus Finnigan''': Stand down, Neville. :'''Neville Longbottom''': People die every day. Friends, family. Yeah, we lost Harry tonight. But he's still with us, in here. ''[gestures to his heart]'' So's Fred, and Remus, Tonks... all of them. They didn't die in vain. ''[to Voldemort, who laughs evily]'' But ''you'' will, 'cause you're wrong! Harry's heart did beat for us, for all of us! It's not over! :''[He draws the Sword of Gryffindor from the Sorting Hat]. Harry's eyes open, he flings out of Hagrid's arms, and pulls out his wand, to Voldemort's utter and complete shock]'' :'''Harry Potter''': ''Confringo!'' :''[He fires a spell at Voldemort's snake, Nagini, but it reflects onto the Death Eaters. As Harry begins to run, Voldemort, now enraged, fires several curses at Harry. As he does, some of his Death Eaters begin to [[w:Magic in Harry Potter#Apparition and Disapparition|disapparate]]]'' :'''Bellatrix Lestrange''': ''[last words]'' No! No, come back! Lucius! Come back! Come back and fight! :''[Some Death Eaters continue to leave, but many stay behind to join Voldemort, who is about to charge the castle]'' :'''Harry Potter''': ''[to Ron, Hermione, and Neville]'' I'll lure him into the castle. We have to kill the snake. <hr width="50%"/> :''[During Harry and Voldemort's final duel]'' :'''Harry Potter''': You were right. When you told Professor Snape that wand was failing you, It will ''always'' fail you. :'''Lord Voldemort''': ''[last and final words]'' I killed Snape! :'''Harry Potter''': But what if the Wand never belonged to Snape? What if its allegiance was always to someone else? Come on, Tom. Let's finish this the way we started it: TOGETHER! ''[throws himself and Voldemort off the roof]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Harry, Ron and Hermione are walking on the damaged Viaduct after Voldemort's death]'' :'''Hermione Granger''': Why didn't it work for him? The Elder Wand? :'''Harry Potter''': It answered to somebody else. When he killed Snape, he thought the Wand would become his, but the thing is, the Wand never belonged to Snape. It was Draco who disarmed Dumbledore that night at the Astronomy Tower. From that moment on, the Wand answered to him, until... the other night, when I disarmed Draco at Malfoy Manor. :'''Ron Weasley''': So that means... :'''Harry Potter''': ...It's mine. :'''Ron Weasley''': What do you reckon we should do with it? :'''Hermione Granger''': "We"? :'''Ron Weasley''': I'm just saying, that's the Elder Wand, the most powerful wand in the world. With that, we'd be invincible. :''[Harry, after thinking for a moment, breaks the Wand in two, and throws it off the viaduct]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Last lines of the final film]'' :'''Albus Severus Potter''': Dad, what if I am put in Slytherin? :'''Harry Potter''': Albus Severus Potter, you were named after two headmasters of Hogwarts. One of them was a Slytherin, and he was the bravest man I've ever known. :'''Albus Severus Potter''': But just say that I am. :'''Harry Potter''': Then Slytherin House will have gained a wonderful, young wizard. But, listen, if it really means that much to you, you can choose Gryffindor. The Sorting Hat takes your choice into account. :'''Albus Severus Potter''': Really? :'''Harry Potter''': Really. ''[train whistle blows]'' Ready? :'''Albus Severus Potter''': Ready. == Taglines == * It all ends. * It all ends here. * Nowhere is safe. * The last enemy is death. * Join me and confront your fate. * Always. == Cast == * [[Daniel Radcliffe]] - [[w:Harry Potter (character)|Harry Potter]] * [[w:Rupert Grint|Rupert Grint]] - [[w:Ron Weasley|Ron Weasley]] * [[Emma Watson]] - [[w:Hermione Granger|Hermione Granger]] * [[Helena Bonham Carter]] - [[w:Bellatrix Lestrange|Bellatrix Lestrange]] * [[w:Robbie Coltrane|Robbie Coltrane]] - [[w:Rubeus Hagrid|Rubeus Hagrid]] * [[Warwick Davis]] - [[w:Filius Flitwick|Filius Flitwick]] * [[w:Tom Felton|Tom Felton]] - [[w:Draco Malfoy|Draco Malfoy]] * [[w:Ralph Fiennes|Ralph Fiennes]] - [[Lord Voldemort]] * [[Michael Gambon]] - [[Albus Dumbledore]] * [[w:John Hurt|John Hurt]] - [[w:Mr. Ollivander|Mr. Ollivander]] * [[w:Jason Isaacs|Jason Isaacs]] - [[w:Lucius Malfoy|Lucius Malfoy]] * [[w:Kelly Macdonald|Kelly Macdonald]] - [[w:Helena Ravenclaw|Helena Ravenclaw]] * [[Gary Oldman]] - [[w:Sirius Black|Sirius Black]] * [[Alan Rickman]] - [[w:Severus Snape|Severus Snape]] * [[w:Maggie Smith|Maggie Smith]] - [[w:Minerva McGonagall|Minerva McGonagall]] * [[w:David Thewlis|David Thewlis]] - [[w:Remus Lupin|Remus Lupin]] * [[w:Julie Walters|Julie Walters]] - [[w:Molly Weasley|Molly Weasley]] * [[w:Matthew Lewis|Matthew Lewis]] - [[w:Neville Longbottom|Neville Longbottom]] * [[Evanna Lynch]] - [[w:Luna Lovegood|Luna Lovegood]] * [[w:Bonnie Wright|Bonnie Wright]] - [[w:Ginny Weasley|Ginny Weasley]] == External links == {{wikipedia}} * {{IMDb title|1201607|Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows – Part 2}} * {{Amg movie|434402|Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows – Part 2}} * {{Rotten-tomatoes|harry_potter_and_the_deathly_hallows_part_ii|Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows – Part 2}} * {{Mojo title|harrypotter72|Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows – Part 2}} * {{Official website|http://harrypotter.warnerbros.com/harrypotterandthedeathlyhallows/mainsite/index.html}} {{Harry Potter}} [[Category:2011 films]] [[Category:Fantasy films]] [[Category:Films based on novels]] [[Category:Films set in schools]] [[Category:Harry Potter]] [[Category:Sequel films]] fzuehmdn7hbkb9a6tushj1d9lrdgfjj 3153167 3153166 2022-08-10T09:35:10Z AC9016 2870313 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows – Part 2|Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows – Part 2]]''''' is a [[w:2011 in film|2011]] epic fantasy film in which Harry, Ron and Hermione search for Voldemort's remaining Horcruxes in their effort to destroy the Dark Lord as the final battle rages on at Hogwarts. :''Directed by [[w:David Yates|David Yates]]. Written by [[w:Steve Kloves|Steve Kloves]], based on [[Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows|the novel]] by [[J. K. Rowling]].'' {{center|'''It All Ends Here.'''[[#Taglines|taglines]]}} [[File:Grinfindor sword-P5120198-black.jpg|thumb|"You do realize, of course, we can't keep out You-Know-Who indefinitely."<br>"That doesn't mean we can't delay him. And his name is ''Voldemort'', Filius, you might as well use it; he's going to try to kill you ''either way''."]] [[File:J G Trautmann Das brennende Troja.jpg|thumb|Harry Potter, I now speak directly to you. On this night, you have allowed your friends to die for you, rather than face me yourself. There is no greater dishonor. Join me in the Forbidden Forest, and confront your fate. If you do not do this, I shall kill every last man, woman and child who tries to conceal you from me.]] [[File:Slytherin.png|thumb|"Dad, what if I am put in Slytherin?"<br>"Albus Severus Potter, you were named after two headmasters of Hogwarts. One of them was a Slytherin, and he was the bravest man I've ever known."]] == Ron Weasley == * ''[About Griphook]'' That little git. Least we've still got Bogrod. ''[Bogrod gets incinerated by the dragon]'' That's unfortunate. * ''[After Goyle attempted to kill Hermione with the Killing Curse in the Room of Requirement]'' '''That's my girlfriend, you numpties!''' * Goyle's set the bloody place on fire! * ''[about saving Malfoy]'' If we die for them, Harry, I'm gonna KILL YOU! == Lord Voldemort == * ''[to Nagini, speaking in Parseltongue]'' The boy has discovered our secret, Nagini. It makes us vulnerable. We must deploy all our forces now to find him. And you, my friend, must stay close. * ''[watching as Hogwarts is protected by spells]'' They never learn. Pity. * ''[to all of Hogwarts]'' I know that many of you will want to fight. Some of you may even think that to fight is wise. But this is folly. Give me Harry Potter. Do this and none shall be harmed. Give me Harry Potter, and I shall leave Hogwarts untouched. Give me Harry Potter, and you will be rewarded. You have one hour. * ''[to all of Hogwarts]'' You have fought valiantly, but in vain. I do not wish this. Every drop of magical blood spilled is a terrible waste. I therefore command my forces to retreat. In their absence, dispose of your dead with dignity. Harry Potter, I now speak directly to you. On this night, you have allowed your friends to die for you, rather than face me yourself. There is no greater dishonor. Join me in the Forbidden Forest, and confront your fate. If you do not do this, I shall kill every last man, woman and child who tries to conceal you from me. * Harry Potter, the Boy who Lived... come to die. ''[pause]'' ''Avada Kedavra''! * ''[last words]'' I killed Snape. == Severus Snape == * ''[last words, as Harry collects his tears]'' Take them to the Pensieve. Look at me. You have your mother's eyes. ''[dies]'' == Minerva McGonagall == * ''[to the statues after bringing them to life and fight by using the spell Piertotum Locomotor]'' Hogwarts is threatened! Man the boundaries, protect us! Do your duty to our school! ''[to Molly, excited]'' I've always wanted to use that spell! == Others == *'''Lily Potter''': ''[in Snape’s memory]'' Harry, you are so loved, so loved. ''[Whispering]'' Harry, Mama loves you. Dada loves you. Harry, be safe. Be strong. * '''Molly Weasley''': ''[in anger towards Bellatrix for trying to kill Ginny]'' Not my daughter, YOU BITCH! == Dialogue == :'''Ollivander''': He's after you, Mr. Potter. If it's true what you say and [[w:Lord Voldemort|he]] has found the Elder Wand, I'm afraid you really don't stand a chance. :'''Harry Potter''': I suppose I'll have to kill him before he finds me, then. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Death Eater''': ''[addressing Bellatrix, who is actually Hermione in disguise under the Polyjuice Potion]'' Madam Lestrange. :'''Hermione Granger''': ''[addressing a Death Eater]'' Good morning! :'''Griphook''': "Good morning?" '''''"Good morning?"''''' You're '''''Bellatrix Lestrange''''', not some dewey-eyed schoolgirl! :'''Ron Weasley''': Oi! Easy! :'''Griphook''': If she gives us away, we might as well use that sword to slit our own throats. Understand? :'''Hermione''': No, he's right. I was being stupid. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Harry Potter''': He knows. You-Know-Who. He knows we broke into Gringotts, he knows what we took, and he knows we're hunting Horcruxes. :'''Hermione Granger''': How is it you know? :'''Harry Potter''': I saw him. :'''Hermione Granger''': You let him in? Harry, you can't do that! :'''Harry Potter''': Hermione, I can't always help it! Well, maybe I can, I don't know. :'''Ron Weasley''': Never mind; what happened? :'''Harry Potter''': Well, he's angry, and he's scared too. He knows if we find and destroy all the Horcruxes, we'll be able to kill him. I reckon he'll stop at nothing to make sure we don't find the rest. There's more. One of them's at Hogwarts. :'''Hermione Granger''': What? You saw it? :'''Harry Potter''': I saw the castle. And Rowena Ravenclaw. They must have something to do with her. We have to go there, now. :'''Hermione Granger''': What? We can't do that! We've got to plan, we've got to figure it out... :'''Harry Potter''': Hermione, when have any of our plans ever '''''actually worked?''''' We plan, we get there, all hell breaks loose. :'''Ron Weasley''': He's right. One problem. Snape's headmaster now; we can't just walk in through the front door. :'''Harry Potter''': Well, we'll go to Hogsmeade, to Honeyduke's. Take the secret passage in the cellar. It's... There's something wrong with him. It's like, you know, in the past, I've always been able to follow his thoughts. And now, everything just feels disconnected. :'''Ron Weasley''': Maybe it's the Horcruxes. Maybe he's growing weaker; maybe he's dying. :'''Harry Potter''': No. No, it's...it's more like he's wounded. If anything, he feels more dangerous. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The trio arrive at Aberforth’s house in Hogsmeade]'' :'''Aberforth Dumbledore''': Bloody fools, what were you thinking coming here? Have you any idea of how dangerous it is? :'''Harry Potter''': You’re Aberforth, Dumbledore's brother. It's '''''you''''' that I've been seeing in here [referring to the shard of mirror]. You're the one who sent Dobby. :'''Aberforth Dumbledore''': Where have you left him? :'''Harry Potter''': He's dead. :'''Aberforth Dumbledore''': Sorry to hear it. I liked that elf. :'''Harry Potter''': Who gave that to you? The mirror? :'''Aberforth Dumbledore''': Mundungus Fletcher. About a year ago. :'''Harry Potter''': Dung had no right sending it to you. It belongs to... :'''Aberforth Dumbledore''': Sirius. Albus told me. He also told me you'd likely be hacked off if you ever found out that I had it, but ask yourself: '''''where would you be if I didn't?''''' :''[Gives the trio some food]'' :'''Hermione Granger''': Do you hear from the others much? From the Order? :'''Aberforth Dumbledore''': The Order's finished. You-Know-Who's won. Anyone who says otherwise is kidding themselves. :'''Harry Potter''': We need to get into Hogwarts, tonight. Dumbledore gave us a job to do. :'''Aberforth Dumbledore''': Did he now? Nice job? Easy? :'''Harry Potter''': We've been hunting Horcruxes. We think the last one's inside the castle, but we'll need your help in getting in. :'''Aberforth Dumbledore''': It's not a job my brother's given you. It's a suicide mission. Do yourself a favor, boy, and go home. Live a little longer. :'''Harry Potter''': Dumbledore trusted me to see this through. :'''Aberforth Dumbledore''': What makes you think you can trust him? What makes you think you can believe anything my brother told you? In all the time you knew him, did he ever mention my name? Did he ever mention hers? ''[referring to the portrait of Ariana on the wall]'' :'''Harry Potter''': Why should he... :'''Aberforth Dumbledore''': ...Keep secrets, you tell me? :'''Harry Potter''': I trusted him. :'''Aberforth Dumbledore''': That's a '''''boy's answer'''''. A boy who goes chasing Horcruxes on the word of a man who wouldn't even tell you where to start. You're lying! Not just to me, it doesn't matter, but to yourself as well. That's what a fool does. You don't strike me as a fool, Harry Potter. So, I'll ask you again, there must be a reason. :''[after a moment of silence]'' :'''Harry Potter''': I'm not interested in what happened between you and your brother. I don't care that you've given up. I trusted the man I knew. We need to get into the castle tonight. :'''Aberforth Dumbledore''': [motions toward Ariana’s portrait] You know what to do. :''[Ariana’s image nods and turns away]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Neville Longbottom''': Right then, so what's the plan, Harry? :'''Harry Potter''': Okay, there's something we need to find, something hidden here in the castle, and it may help us defeat You-Know-Who. :'''Neville Longbottom''': Right, what is it? :'''Harry Potter''': We don't know. :'''Dean Thomas''': Where is it? :'''Harry Potter''': We don't know that either. I realize that's not much to go on. :'''Seamus Finnigan''': That's nothin’ to go on. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ginny Weasley''': ''[sees Harry]'' Harry! :'''Harry Potter''': Hi there. :''[Awkward pause]'' :'''Ron Weasley''': Six months she hasn't see me. It’s like I'm a Frankie First Year. I'm only her brother... :'''Seamus Finnigan''': She's got lots of those, though. There’s only one Harry. :'''Ron Weasley''': Shut up, Seamus. : '''Neville Longbottom''': ''[to Ginny]'' What is it, Ginny? :'''Ginny Weasley''': Snape knows. He '''''knows''''' that Harry was spotted in Hogsmeade. :''[All of the students stare at the trio disapprovingly]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Professor Snape''': ''[to Hogwarts students]'' Many of you are surely wondering why I have summoned you at this hour. It's come to my attention that earlier this evening, Harry Potter was sighted in Hogsmeade. Now, should anyone, student or staff, attempt to aid Mr. Potter, they will be punished, in a manner consistent with the severity of their transgression. Furthermore, any person found to have knowledge of these events... who fails to come forward, will be treated... as... '''''equally''''' guilty. If anyone here knows any knowledge of Mr. Potter's movements this evening, I invite them to step forward... '''''now'''''. :''[There is a long pause, as the assembled students and professors just stare at the ground in terror. Harry then steps out from the crowd, causing audible gasps from everyone present]'' : '''Harry Potter''': ''[coldly]'' It seems despite your '''''exhaustive defensive strategies''''', you still have a bit of a security problem, Headmaster. ''[Order of Phoenix members enter]'' And I'm afraid it's quite extensive. How dare you stand where [[w:Albus Dumbledore|he]] stood. Tell them how it happened that night! How you looked him in the eye, a man who trusted you, and killed him! Tell them! :''[McGonagall and Snape fight with their wands as all the students move to either side of the Great Hall. [[w:Alecto_and_Amycus_Carrow|The Carrows]] fall to the ground as a result of Snape’s redirection of McGonagall’s spell and Snape then retreats]'' :'''Minerva McGonagall''': Coward! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Pansy Parkinson''': ''[after a long silence]'' What are you waiting for? Someone grab him! :''[Ginny, Hermione and the others walk up to protect Harry.]'' :'''Argus Filch''': ''[running in with Mrs. Norris; yelling]'' Students out of bed! STUDENTS OUT OF BED! Students in the corridor! :'''Minerva McGonagall''': ''[snapping]'' They're ''supposed'' to be out of bed, you blithering idiot! :'''Argus Filch''': Oh. Sorry, ma'am. :'''Minerva McGonagall''': As it happens, Mr. Filch, your arrival is most opportune. If you would, I would like you, please, to lead Miss Parkinson and the rest of Slytherin House from the Hall! ''[motions with her wand]'' :'''Argus Filch''': Exactly where is it I'll be leading ‘em to, ma'am? :'''Minerva McGonagall''': The dungeons would do. :''[The other students cheer wildly]'' :'''Minerva McGonagall''': I presume you have a reason for returning, Potter. What is it you need? :'''Harry Potter''': Time, Professor. As much as you can get me. :'''Minerva McGonagall''': Do what you have to do. I’ll secure the castle. ''[as Harry turns to leave]'' And Potter, it’s good to see you. :'''Harry Potter''': It’s good to see you, too, Professor. ''[leaves]'' :'''Harry Potter''': ''[to Neville]'' Hold the fort, Neville. :'''Neville Longbottom''': Let me get this straight, Professor. ''[grabs her arm]'' You're actually giving us permission to do this? :'''Minerva McGonagall''': That is correct, Longbottom. :'''Neville Longbottom''': To blow it up? Boom? :'''Minerva McGonagall''': '''''BOOM!''''' :'''Neville Longbottom''': ''[laughing]'' Wicked. But how on earth are we gonna do that? :'''Minerva McGonagall''': Why don't you confer with Mr. Finnigan? As I recall, he has a particular proclivity for pyrotechnics. :'''Seamus Finnigan''': ''[nodding]'' I can bring it down. :'''Minerva McGonagall''': That's the spirit. Off you go. :'''Filius Flitwick''': You do realize, of course, we can't keep out You-Know-Who indefinitely. :'''Minerva McGonagall''': That doesn't mean we can't delay him. And his name is ''Voldemort'', Filius, you might as well use it; he's going to try to kill you ''either way''. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Remus Lupin''': It is the quality of one’s convictions that determines success, not the number of followers. :'''Kingsley Shacklebolt''': Who said that? :'''Remus Lupin''': Me. <hr width="50%"/> :'''George Weasley''': You okay, Freddie? :'''Fred Weasley''': Yeah. :'''George Weasley''': Me too. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Luna Lovegood''': Harry, wait, I need to talk to you. :'''Harry Potter''': I'm a bit preoccupied at the moment, Luna. :'''Luna Lovegood''': You won't find it where you're going, you're wasting your time. :'''Harry Potter''': We'll talk later, okay, Luna? :'''Luna Lovegood''': Harry! :'''Harry Potter''': Um, later. :'''Luna Lovegood''': ''[shouting]'' ''Harry Potter! You listen to me right now!'' ''[calmer]'' Don't you remember what Cho said about Rowena Ravenclaw's diadem? There's not a person '''''alive''''' who's seen it. It's obvious, isn't it? We have to talk to someone who's dead. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Harry Potter''': You're the Grey Lady. The Ghost of Ravenclaw Tower. :'''Helena Ravenclaw''': I do not answer to that name. :'''Harry Potter''': No, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It's Helena, isn't it? Helena Ravenclaw. Rowena's daughter. :'''Helena Ravenclaw''': Are you a friend of Luna's? :'''Harry Potter''': Yes. And she thought you might be able to help me. :'''Helena Ravenclaw''': You seek my mother's diadem. :'''Harry Potter''': Yes. That's right. :'''Helena Ravenclaw''': Luna is kind, unlike so many of the others. But she was wrong. I cannot help you. :'''Harry Potter''': Wait! Please! I want to destroy it. ''[pause]'' That's what you want too, isn't it, Helena? You want it destroyed. :'''Helena Ravenclaw''': Another swore to destroy it many years ago... a strange boy with a strange name. :'''Harry Potter''': Tom Riddle. :'''Helena Ravenclaw''': But he lied. :'''Harry Potter''': He's lied to many people. :'''Helena Ravenclaw''': '''''I know what he's done! I know who he is!''''' '''''HE DEFILED IT''''' '''''WITH DARK MAGIC!''''' :''[after a moment of silence]'' :'''Harry Potter''': I can destroy it once and for all. But only if you tell me where he hid it. You do know where he hid it, don't you, Helena? You just have to tell me. Please. :'''Helena Ravenclaw''': ''[floats around Harry as she says this]'' Strange. You remind me of him a bit. It's here, in the castle, in the place where everything is hidden. If you have to ask, you will never know. If you know, you need only ask. ''[floats away]'' :'''Harry Potter''': Thank you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Draco Malfoy''': ''[points his wand at Harry]'' Well, well. What brings you here, Potter? :'''Harry Potter''': Might ask you the same. :'''Draco Malfoy''': You have something of mine. I'd like it back. :'''Harry Potter''': ''[Nudging to his wand]'' Well, what's wrong with the one you have? :'''Draco Malfoy''': It's my mother's, it's powerful but it's... not the same. It doesn't quite... understand. You know what I mean? :'''Harry Potter''': Why didn't you tell her? Bellatrix? You knew it was me. But you didn't say anything. :'''Gregory Goyle''': C'mon Draco, don't be a prat, do it. :''[Hermione enters, firing a spell at them]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lucius Malfoy''': My Lord, might it be less... Might it not be more prudent to call off this attack? Simply seek the boy yourself? :'''Lord Voldemort''': I do not need to seek the boy. Before the night is out, he will come to me! Do you understand?! ''[slaps his face]'' Look at me! How can you live with yourself, Lucius? :'''Lucius Malfoy''': I... I don't know. :'''Lord Voldemort''': Go and find Severus. Bring him to me. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Snape and Voldemort are inside the boathouse]'' :'''Severus Snape''': You have performed extraordinary magic with this wand, my Lord, in the last few hours alone. :'''Lord Voldemort''': No. No, I '''''am''''' extraordinary, but the wand... resists me. :''[the trio are now outside the boathouse crouched down, listening]'' :'''Severus Snape''': There is no wand more powerful, Ollivander himself has said it. Tonight, when the boy comes, it will not fail you, I am sure of it. It answers to you, and you only. :'''Lord Voldemort''': Does it? :'''Severus Snape''': My Lord... :'''Lord Voldemort''': The wand, does it truly answer to me? You're a clever man, Severus. Surely, you must know. Where does its true loyalty lie? :'''Severus Snape''': With you, of course, my Lord. :'''Lord Voldemort''': The Elder Wand cannot serve me properly because I am not its true master. The Elder Wand belongs to the wizard who killed its last owner. You killed Dumbledore, Severus. While you live, the Elder Wand cannot truly be mine. You've been a good and faithful servant, Severus, but '''''only I can live...forever'''''. :'''Severus Snape''': My Lord... ''[Voldemort slashes with his wand and cuts Snape's throat; blood spills; Severus falls onto the window]'' :'''Lord Voldemort''': Nagini, kill. ''[Nagini repeatedly bites Snape, mortally wounding him]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Harry is viewing Snape's memories in the Pensieve in Dumbledore’s office]'' :'''Severus Snape''': It will contain the curse to your hand for the time being. It will spread, Albus. :'''Albus Dumbledore''': How long? :'''Severus Snape''': Maybe a year. :''[Snape turns to leave, but Dumbledore stops him]'' :'''Albus Dumbledore''': Don't ignore me, Severus. We both know Lord Voldemort has ordered the Malfoy boy to murder me. But should he fail, one should presume that the Dark Lord would turn to you. You must be the one to kill me, Severus. It is the only way. Only then will the Dark Lord trust you completely. ''[We see Dumbledore being killed by Snape, as shown in ''Half-Blood Prince'']'' There will come a time when Harry Potter must be told something, but you must wait until Lord Voldemort is at his most vulnerable. :'''Severus Snape''': Must be told what? :''[As Dumbledore speaks, we see a worried Snape running inside the Potter home]'' :'''Albus Dumbledore''': On the night Lord Voldemort went to Godric's Hollow to kill Harry, and Lily Potter cast herself between them, the curse rebounded. When that happened, a part of Voldemort's soul latched itself onto the only living thing that it could find: '''''Harry himself.''''' There is a reason Harry can speak with snakes. There is a reason he can look into Voldemort's mind. A part of Voldemort ''lives'' inside him. :'''Severus Snape''': So, when the time comes...the boy must die? :'''Albus Dumbledore''': Yes...yes...he must die. :''[We see Snape arrive in Harry's bedroom and collapsing in horror at the sight of Lily's dead body]'' :'''Severus Snape''': You've kept [[w:Harry Potter (character)|him]] alive so he can die at the proper moment. You've been raising him like a pig for slaughter! :'''Albus Dumbledore''': Don't tell me now that you've grown to care for the boy. :'''Severus Snape''': Expecto Patronum! ''[casts a deer Patronus, the same one that helped Harry find the Sword of Gryffindor in ''Part 1''] :'''Albus Dumbledore''': ''[realizing]'' Lily? ''[A crying Snape is shown holding Lily's body]'' After all this time? :'''Severus Snape''': '''''Always'''''. So, when the time comes...the boy must die? :'''Albus Dumbledore''': Yes, he must die. And Voldemort himself must do it. That is essential. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Harry Potter''': ''[Walking into a clearing in the Forest, Harry pulls the Snitch from his pocket]'' I'm ready to die. ''[He kisses it, and it opens to reveal a small black stone]'' The Resurrection Stone... :''[his parents, Sirius, and Remus appear in the clearing]'' :'''Lily Potter''': You've been so brave, sweetheart. :'''Harry Potter''': Why are you here, all of you? :'''Lily Potter''': We never left. :'''Harry Potter''': Does it hurt, dying? :'''Sirius Black''': Quicker than falling asleep. :'''James Potter''': You're nearly there, son. :'''Harry Potter''': I'm sorry. I never wanted any of you to die for me. And Remus, your son... :'''Remus Lupin''': Others will tell him what his mother and father died for. One day, he'll understand. :'''Harry Potter''': You'll stay with me? :'''James Potter''': Until the end. :'''Harry Potter''': And he won't be able to see you? :'''Sirius Black''': No. ''[points to Harry's heart]'' We're here, you see. :'''Harry Potter''': Stay close to me. :'''Lily Potter''': ''Always''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Voldemort ''kills'' Harry in the forest, he is left in limbo and meets Dumbledore in what looks like King’s Cross Station]'' :'''Albus Dumbledore''': Harry, you wonderful boy. You brave man. Let us walk. :'''Harry Potter''': Professor, what is that? :''[A creature that looks like a much smaller version of Voldemort is in the fetal position under a bench]'' :'''Albus Dumbledore''': Something beyond either of our help. A part of Voldemort, sent here to die. :'''Harry Potter''': And exactly where are we? :'''Albus Dumbledore''': I was going to ask you that. Where would you say that we are? :'''Harry Potter''': Well, it looks like King's Cross Station, only cleaner, and without all the trains. :'''Albus Dumbledore''': King's Cross, is that right? This is, as they say, your party. I expect you now realize that you and Voldemort have been connected by something other than fate, since that night in Godric's Hollow all those years ago. :'''Harry Potter''': So it's true then, isn't it, Sir? A part of him lives in me, doesn't it? :'''Albus Dumbledore''': Did. It was just destroyed many moments ago by none other than Voldemort himself. ''You'' were the Horcrux he never meant to make, Harry. :''[They sit on a bench]'' :'''Harry Potter''': I have to go back, haven't I? :'''Albus Dumbledore''': Oh, that's up to you. :'''Harry Potter''': I have a choice? :'''Albus Dumbledore''': Oh, yes. We're in King's Cross, you say? I think if you so desired, you'd be able to board a train. :'''Harry Potter''': And where would it take me? :'''Albus Dumbledore''': ''[chuckles]'' On. :''[Dumbledore begins walking away]'' :'''Harry Potter''': Voldemort has the Elder Wand. :'''Albus Dumbledore''': True. :'''Harry Potter''': And the snake's still alive. :'''Albus Dumbledore''': Yes. :'''Harry Potter''': And I've nothing to kill it with. :'''Albus Dumbledore''': ''[walks back to Harry]'' Help will always be given at Hogwarts, Harry, to those who ask for it. I've always prized myself on my ability to turn a phrase. '''Words are, in my not so humble opinion, our most inexhaustible source of magic. Capable of both inflicting injury, and remedying it.''' But I would, in this case, amend my original statement to this: "Help would always be given at Hogwarts to those who deserve it." Do not pity the dead, Harry. Pity the living. And above all, those who live without love. :'''Harry Potter''': Professor, my mother's Patronus was a doe, wasn't it? It's the same as Professor Snape's. It's curious, don't you think? :'''Albus Dumbledore''': Actually, if I think about it, it doesn't seem curious at all. I'll be going now, Harry. ''[turns to leave]'' :'''Harry Potter''': Professor? Is this all real? Or is it just happening inside my head? :'''Albus Dumbledore''': '''Of course it's happening inside your head, Harry. Why should that mean that it's not real?''' ''[he fades into the light]'' :'''Harry Potter''': Professor, what shall I do? Professor? :''[Back in the forest, Voldemort woke up after the sixth Horcrux was destroyed]'' :'''Bellatrix Lestrange''': My Lord? My Lord? :'''Lord Voldemort''': I don't want your help! :'''Bellatrix Lestrange''': ''[to Narcissa]'' The boy... is he dead? :'''Narcissa Malfoy''': ''[leaning into Harry, her eyes widen as she feels his heart still beating]'' Is he alive? Draco, is he alive? ''[Harry nods, then she stands and faces Voldemort with one lie]'' Dead. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ginny Weasley''': Who is that Hagrid's carrying? Neville, who is it? :'''Lord Voldemort''': Harry Potter... is ''dead!'' :'''Ginny Weasley''': '''''No! NO!!''''' :'''Lord Voldemort''': Silence! ''[fires a spell towards Ginny, causing her to back down]'' Stupid girl. Harry Potter is dead. ''[to Hogwarts' assembled]'' From this day forth, you put your faith... in me. ''[to Death Eaters]'' Harry Potter is dead! ''[he and his Death Eaters laugh]'' And now is the time to declare yourself. Come forward and join us... or die. :'''Lucius Malfoy''': Draco! Draco. :'''Narcissa Malfoy''': Draco, come. :''[Reluctantly, Draco walks over to Voldemort, who hugs him]'' :'''Lord Voldemort''': Well done, Draco. Well done. ''[Draco walks to his parents. Neville comes forward]'' Well, I must say, I hoped for better. ''[Death Eaters laugh]'' And who might you be, young man? :'''Neville Longbottom''': Neville Longbottom. :''[Death Eaters laugh]'' :'''Bellatrix Lestrange''': Ha-ha! :'''Lord Voldemort''': Well, Neville, I'm sure we can find a place for you in our ranks-- :'''Neville Longbottom''': I'd like to say somethin’. :'''Lord Voldemort''': ''[makes a fist, but then lowers it]'' Well, Neville, I'm sure we'd all be fascinated to hear what you have to say. :'''Neville Longbottom''': It doesn't matter that Harry's gone. :'''Seamus Finnigan''': Stand down, Neville. :'''Neville Longbottom''': People die every day. Friends, family. Yeah, we lost Harry tonight. But he's still with us, in here. ''[gestures to his heart]'' So's Fred, and Remus, Tonks... all of them. They didn't die in vain. ''[to Voldemort, who laughs evily]'' But ''you'' will, 'cause you're wrong! Harry's heart did beat for us, for all of us! It's not over! :''[He draws the Sword of Gryffindor from the Sorting Hat]. Harry's eyes open, he flings out of Hagrid's arms, and pulls out his wand, to Voldemort's utter and complete shock]'' :'''Harry Potter''': ''Confringo!'' :''[He fires a spell at Voldemort's snake, Nagini, but it reflects onto the Death Eaters. As Harry begins to run, Voldemort, now enraged, fires several curses at Harry. As he does, some of his Death Eaters begin to [[w:Magic in Harry Potter#Apparition and Disapparition|disapparate]]]'' :'''Bellatrix Lestrange''': ''[last words]'' No! No, come back! Lucius! Come back! Come back and fight! :''[Some Death Eaters continue to leave, but many stay behind to join Voldemort, who is about to charge the castle]'' :'''Harry Potter''': ''[to Ron, Hermione, and Neville]'' I'll lure him into the castle. We have to kill the snake. <hr width="50%"/> :''[During Harry and Voldemort's final duel]'' :'''Harry Potter''': You were right. When you told Professor Snape that wand was failing you, It will ''always'' fail you. :'''Lord Voldemort''': ''[last and final words]'' I killed Snape! :'''Harry Potter''': But what if the Wand never belonged to Snape? What if its allegiance was always to someone else? Come on, Tom. Let's finish this the way we started it: TOGETHER! ''[throws himself and Voldemort off the roof]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Harry, Ron and Hermione are walking on the damaged Viaduct after Voldemort's death]'' :'''Hermione Granger''': Why didn't it work for him? The Elder Wand? :'''Harry Potter''': It answered to somebody else. When he killed Snape, he thought the Wand would become his, but the thing is, the Wand never belonged to Snape. It was Draco who disarmed Dumbledore that night at the Astronomy Tower. From that moment on, the Wand answered to him, until... the other night, when I disarmed Draco at Malfoy Manor. :'''Ron Weasley''': So that means... :'''Harry Potter''': ...It's mine. :'''Ron Weasley''': What do you reckon we should do with it? :'''Hermione Granger''': "We"? :'''Ron Weasley''': I'm just saying, that's the Elder Wand, the most powerful wand in the world. With that, we'd be invincible. :''[Harry, after thinking for a moment, breaks the Wand in two, and throws it off the viaduct]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Last lines of the final film]'' :'''Albus Severus Potter''': Dad, what if I am put in Slytherin? :'''Harry Potter''': Albus Severus Potter, you were named after two headmasters of Hogwarts. One of them was a Slytherin, and he was the bravest man I've ever known. :'''Albus Severus Potter''': But just say that I am. :'''Harry Potter''': Then Slytherin House will have gained a wonderful, young wizard. But, listen, if it really means that much to you, you can choose Gryffindor. The Sorting Hat takes your choice into account. :'''Albus Severus Potter''': Really? :'''Harry Potter''': Really. ''[train whistle blows]'' Ready? :'''Albus Severus Potter''': Ready. == Taglines == * It all ends. * It all ends here. * Nowhere is safe. * The last enemy is death. * Join me and confront your fate. * Always. == Cast == * [[Daniel Radcliffe]] - [[w:Harry Potter (character)|Harry Potter]] * [[w:Rupert Grint|Rupert Grint]] - [[w:Ron Weasley|Ron Weasley]] * [[Emma Watson]] - [[w:Hermione Granger|Hermione Granger]] * [[Helena Bonham Carter]] - [[w:Bellatrix Lestrange|Bellatrix Lestrange]] * [[w:Robbie Coltrane|Robbie Coltrane]] - [[w:Rubeus Hagrid|Rubeus Hagrid]] * [[Warwick Davis]] - [[w:Filius Flitwick|Filius Flitwick]] * [[w:Tom Felton|Tom Felton]] - [[w:Draco Malfoy|Draco Malfoy]] * [[w:Ralph Fiennes|Ralph Fiennes]] - [[Lord Voldemort]] * [[Michael Gambon]] - [[Albus Dumbledore]] * [[w:John Hurt|John Hurt]] - [[w:Mr. Ollivander|Mr. Ollivander]] * [[w:Jason Isaacs|Jason Isaacs]] - [[w:Lucius Malfoy|Lucius Malfoy]] * [[w:Kelly Macdonald|Kelly Macdonald]] - [[w:Helena Ravenclaw|Helena Ravenclaw]] * [[Gary Oldman]] - [[w:Sirius Black|Sirius Black]] * [[Alan Rickman]] - [[w:Severus Snape|Severus Snape]] * [[w:Maggie Smith|Maggie Smith]] - [[w:Minerva McGonagall|Minerva McGonagall]] * [[w:David Thewlis|David Thewlis]] - [[w:Remus Lupin|Remus Lupin]] * [[w:Julie Walters|Julie Walters]] - [[w:Molly Weasley|Molly Weasley]] * [[w:Matthew Lewis|Matthew Lewis]] - [[w:Neville Longbottom|Neville Longbottom]] * [[Evanna Lynch]] - [[w:Luna Lovegood|Luna Lovegood]] * [[w:Bonnie Wright|Bonnie Wright]] - [[w:Ginny Weasley|Ginny Weasley]] == External links == {{wikipedia}} * {{IMDb title|1201607|Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows – Part 2}} * {{Amg movie|434402|Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows – Part 2}} * {{Rotten-tomatoes|harry_potter_and_the_deathly_hallows_part_ii|Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows – Part 2}} * {{Mojo title|harrypotter72|Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows – Part 2}} * {{Official website|http://harrypotter.warnerbros.com/harrypotterandthedeathlyhallows/mainsite/index.html}} {{Harry Potter}} [[Category:2011 films]] [[Category:Fantasy films]] [[Category:Films based on novels]] [[Category:Films set in schools]] [[Category:Harry Potter]] [[Category:Sequel films]] 8rg64gktjxz8l3rtng66ciwk6q14orc 3153168 3153167 2022-08-10T09:39:38Z AC9016 2870313 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} [[File:Harry Potter and the Forbidden Journey by night USJ.JPG|thumb|"Well, well. What brings you here, Potter?"<br>"Might ask you the same."]] '''''[[w: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows – Part 2|Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows – Part 2]]''''' is a [[w:2011 in film|2011]] epic fantasy film in which Harry, Ron and Hermione search for Voldemort's remaining Horcruxes in their effort to destroy the Dark Lord as the final battle rages on at Hogwarts. :''Directed by [[w:David Yates|David Yates]]. Written by [[w:Steve Kloves|Steve Kloves]], based on [[Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows|the novel]] by [[J. K. Rowling]].'' {{center|'''It All Ends Here.'''[[#Taglines|taglines]]}} [[File:Grinfindor sword-P5120198-black.jpg|thumb|"You do realize, of course, we can't keep out You-Know-Who indefinitely."<br>"That doesn't mean we can't delay him. And his name is ''Voldemort'', Filius, you might as well use it; he's going to try to kill you ''either way''."]] [[File:J G Trautmann Das brennende Troja.jpg|thumb|Harry Potter, I now speak directly to you. On this night, you have allowed your friends to die for you, rather than face me yourself. There is no greater dishonor. Join me in the Forbidden Forest, and confront your fate. If you do not do this, I shall kill every last man, woman and child who tries to conceal you from me.]] [[File:Slytherin.png|thumb|"Dad, what if I am put in Slytherin?"<br>"Albus Severus Potter, you were named after two headmasters of Hogwarts. One of them was a Slytherin, and he was the bravest man I've ever known."]] == Ron Weasley == * ''[About Griphook]'' That little git. Least we've still got Bogrod. ''[Bogrod gets incinerated by the dragon]'' That's unfortunate. * ''[After Goyle attempted to kill Hermione with the Killing Curse in the Room of Requirement]'' '''That's my girlfriend, you numpties!''' * Goyle's set the bloody place on fire! * ''[about saving Malfoy]'' If we die for them, Harry, I'm gonna KILL YOU! == Lord Voldemort == * ''[to Nagini, speaking in Parseltongue]'' The boy has discovered our secret, Nagini. It makes us vulnerable. We must deploy all our forces now to find him. And you, my friend, must stay close. * ''[watching as Hogwarts is protected by spells]'' They never learn. Pity. * ''[to all of Hogwarts]'' I know that many of you will want to fight. Some of you may even think that to fight is wise. But this is folly. Give me Harry Potter. Do this and none shall be harmed. Give me Harry Potter, and I shall leave Hogwarts untouched. Give me Harry Potter, and you will be rewarded. You have one hour. * ''[to all of Hogwarts]'' You have fought valiantly, but in vain. I do not wish this. Every drop of magical blood spilled is a terrible waste. I therefore command my forces to retreat. In their absence, dispose of your dead with dignity. Harry Potter, I now speak directly to you. On this night, you have allowed your friends to die for you, rather than face me yourself. There is no greater dishonor. Join me in the Forbidden Forest, and confront your fate. If you do not do this, I shall kill every last man, woman and child who tries to conceal you from me. * Harry Potter, the Boy who Lived... come to die. ''[pause]'' ''Avada Kedavra''! * ''[last words]'' I killed Snape. == Severus Snape == * ''[last words, as Harry collects his tears]'' Take them to the Pensieve. Look at me. You have your mother's eyes. ''[dies]'' == Minerva McGonagall == * ''[to the statues after bringing them to life and fight by using the spell Piertotum Locomotor]'' Hogwarts is threatened! Man the boundaries, protect us! Do your duty to our school! ''[to Molly, excited]'' I've always wanted to use that spell! == Others == *'''Lily Potter''': ''[in Snape’s memory]'' Harry, you are so loved, so loved. ''[Whispering]'' Harry, Mama loves you. Dada loves you. Harry, be safe. Be strong. * '''Molly Weasley''': ''[in anger towards Bellatrix for trying to kill Ginny]'' Not my daughter, YOU BITCH! == Dialogue == :'''Ollivander''': He's after you, Mr. Potter. If it's true what you say and [[w:Lord Voldemort|he]] has found the Elder Wand, I'm afraid you really don't stand a chance. :'''Harry Potter''': I suppose I'll have to kill him before he finds me, then. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Death Eater''': ''[addressing Bellatrix, who is actually Hermione in disguise under the Polyjuice Potion]'' Madam Lestrange. :'''Hermione Granger''': ''[addressing a Death Eater]'' Good morning! :'''Griphook''': "Good morning?" '''''"Good morning?"''''' You're '''''Bellatrix Lestrange''''', not some dewey-eyed schoolgirl! :'''Ron Weasley''': Oi! Easy! :'''Griphook''': If she gives us away, we might as well use that sword to slit our own throats. Understand? :'''Hermione''': No, he's right. I was being stupid. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Harry Potter''': He knows. You-Know-Who. He knows we broke into Gringotts, he knows what we took, and he knows we're hunting Horcruxes. :'''Hermione Granger''': How is it you know? :'''Harry Potter''': I saw him. :'''Hermione Granger''': You let him in? Harry, you can't do that! :'''Harry Potter''': Hermione, I can't always help it! Well, maybe I can, I don't know. :'''Ron Weasley''': Never mind; what happened? :'''Harry Potter''': Well, he's angry, and he's scared too. He knows if we find and destroy all the Horcruxes, we'll be able to kill him. I reckon he'll stop at nothing to make sure we don't find the rest. There's more. One of them's at Hogwarts. :'''Hermione Granger''': What? You saw it? :'''Harry Potter''': I saw the castle. And Rowena Ravenclaw. They must have something to do with her. We have to go there, now. :'''Hermione Granger''': What? We can't do that! We've got to plan, we've got to figure it out... :'''Harry Potter''': Hermione, when have any of our plans ever '''''actually worked?''''' We plan, we get there, all hell breaks loose. :'''Ron Weasley''': He's right. One problem. Snape's headmaster now; we can't just walk in through the front door. :'''Harry Potter''': Well, we'll go to Hogsmeade, to Honeyduke's. Take the secret passage in the cellar. It's... There's something wrong with him. It's like, you know, in the past, I've always been able to follow his thoughts. And now, everything just feels disconnected. :'''Ron Weasley''': Maybe it's the Horcruxes. Maybe he's growing weaker; maybe he's dying. :'''Harry Potter''': No. No, it's...it's more like he's wounded. If anything, he feels more dangerous. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The trio arrive at Aberforth’s house in Hogsmeade]'' :'''Aberforth Dumbledore''': Bloody fools, what were you thinking coming here? Have you any idea of how dangerous it is? :'''Harry Potter''': You’re Aberforth, Dumbledore's brother. It's '''''you''''' that I've been seeing in here [referring to the shard of mirror]. You're the one who sent Dobby. :'''Aberforth Dumbledore''': Where have you left him? :'''Harry Potter''': He's dead. :'''Aberforth Dumbledore''': Sorry to hear it. I liked that elf. :'''Harry Potter''': Who gave that to you? The mirror? :'''Aberforth Dumbledore''': Mundungus Fletcher. About a year ago. :'''Harry Potter''': Dung had no right sending it to you. It belongs to... :'''Aberforth Dumbledore''': Sirius. Albus told me. He also told me you'd likely be hacked off if you ever found out that I had it, but ask yourself: '''''where would you be if I didn't?''''' :''[Gives the trio some food]'' :'''Hermione Granger''': Do you hear from the others much? From the Order? :'''Aberforth Dumbledore''': The Order's finished. You-Know-Who's won. Anyone who says otherwise is kidding themselves. :'''Harry Potter''': We need to get into Hogwarts, tonight. Dumbledore gave us a job to do. :'''Aberforth Dumbledore''': Did he now? Nice job? Easy? :'''Harry Potter''': We've been hunting Horcruxes. We think the last one's inside the castle, but we'll need your help in getting in. :'''Aberforth Dumbledore''': It's not a job my brother's given you. It's a suicide mission. Do yourself a favor, boy, and go home. Live a little longer. :'''Harry Potter''': Dumbledore trusted me to see this through. :'''Aberforth Dumbledore''': What makes you think you can trust him? What makes you think you can believe anything my brother told you? In all the time you knew him, did he ever mention my name? Did he ever mention hers? ''[referring to the portrait of Ariana on the wall]'' :'''Harry Potter''': Why should he... :'''Aberforth Dumbledore''': ...Keep secrets, you tell me? :'''Harry Potter''': I trusted him. :'''Aberforth Dumbledore''': That's a '''''boy's answer'''''. A boy who goes chasing Horcruxes on the word of a man who wouldn't even tell you where to start. You're lying! Not just to me, it doesn't matter, but to yourself as well. That's what a fool does. You don't strike me as a fool, Harry Potter. So, I'll ask you again, there must be a reason. :''[after a moment of silence]'' :'''Harry Potter''': I'm not interested in what happened between you and your brother. I don't care that you've given up. I trusted the man I knew. We need to get into the castle tonight. :'''Aberforth Dumbledore''': [motions toward Ariana’s portrait] You know what to do. :''[Ariana’s image nods and turns away]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Neville Longbottom''': Right then, so what's the plan, Harry? :'''Harry Potter''': Okay, there's something we need to find, something hidden here in the castle, and it may help us defeat You-Know-Who. :'''Neville Longbottom''': Right, what is it? :'''Harry Potter''': We don't know. :'''Dean Thomas''': Where is it? :'''Harry Potter''': We don't know that either. I realize that's not much to go on. :'''Seamus Finnigan''': That's nothin’ to go on. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ginny Weasley''': ''[sees Harry]'' Harry! :'''Harry Potter''': Hi there. :''[Awkward pause]'' :'''Ron Weasley''': Six months she hasn't see me. It’s like I'm a Frankie First Year. I'm only her brother... :'''Seamus Finnigan''': She's got lots of those, though. There’s only one Harry. :'''Ron Weasley''': Shut up, Seamus. : '''Neville Longbottom''': ''[to Ginny]'' What is it, Ginny? :'''Ginny Weasley''': Snape knows. He '''''knows''''' that Harry was spotted in Hogsmeade. :''[All of the students stare at the trio disapprovingly]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Professor Snape''': ''[to Hogwarts students]'' Many of you are surely wondering why I have summoned you at this hour. It's come to my attention that earlier this evening, Harry Potter was sighted in Hogsmeade. Now, should anyone, student or staff, attempt to aid Mr. Potter, they will be punished, in a manner consistent with the severity of their transgression. Furthermore, any person found to have knowledge of these events... who fails to come forward, will be treated... as... '''''equally''''' guilty. If anyone here knows any knowledge of Mr. Potter's movements this evening, I invite them to step forward... '''''now'''''. :''[There is a long pause, as the assembled students and professors just stare at the ground in terror. Harry then steps out from the crowd, causing audible gasps from everyone present]'' : '''Harry Potter''': ''[coldly]'' It seems despite your '''''exhaustive defensive strategies''''', you still have a bit of a security problem, Headmaster. ''[Order of Phoenix members enter]'' And I'm afraid it's quite extensive. How dare you stand where [[w:Albus Dumbledore|he]] stood. Tell them how it happened that night! How you looked him in the eye, a man who trusted you, and killed him! Tell them! :''[McGonagall and Snape fight with their wands as all the students move to either side of the Great Hall. [[w:Alecto_and_Amycus_Carrow|The Carrows]] fall to the ground as a result of Snape’s redirection of McGonagall’s spell and Snape then retreats]'' :'''Minerva McGonagall''': Coward! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Pansy Parkinson''': ''[after a long silence]'' What are you waiting for? Someone grab him! :''[Ginny, Hermione and the others walk up to protect Harry.]'' :'''Argus Filch''': ''[running in with Mrs. Norris; yelling]'' Students out of bed! STUDENTS OUT OF BED! Students in the corridor! :'''Minerva McGonagall''': ''[snapping]'' They're ''supposed'' to be out of bed, you blithering idiot! :'''Argus Filch''': Oh. Sorry, ma'am. :'''Minerva McGonagall''': As it happens, Mr. Filch, your arrival is most opportune. If you would, I would like you, please, to lead Miss Parkinson and the rest of Slytherin House from the Hall! ''[motions with her wand]'' :'''Argus Filch''': Exactly where is it I'll be leading ‘em to, ma'am? :'''Minerva McGonagall''': The dungeons would do. :''[The other students cheer wildly]'' :'''Minerva McGonagall''': I presume you have a reason for returning, Potter. What is it you need? :'''Harry Potter''': Time, Professor. As much as you can get me. :'''Minerva McGonagall''': Do what you have to do. I’ll secure the castle. ''[as Harry turns to leave]'' And Potter, it’s good to see you. :'''Harry Potter''': It’s good to see you, too, Professor. ''[leaves]'' :'''Harry Potter''': ''[to Neville]'' Hold the fort, Neville. :'''Neville Longbottom''': Let me get this straight, Professor. ''[grabs her arm]'' You're actually giving us permission to do this? :'''Minerva McGonagall''': That is correct, Longbottom. :'''Neville Longbottom''': To blow it up? Boom? :'''Minerva McGonagall''': '''''BOOM!''''' :'''Neville Longbottom''': ''[laughing]'' Wicked. But how on earth are we gonna do that? :'''Minerva McGonagall''': Why don't you confer with Mr. Finnigan? As I recall, he has a particular proclivity for pyrotechnics. :'''Seamus Finnigan''': ''[nodding]'' I can bring it down. :'''Minerva McGonagall''': That's the spirit. Off you go. :'''Filius Flitwick''': You do realize, of course, we can't keep out You-Know-Who indefinitely. :'''Minerva McGonagall''': That doesn't mean we can't delay him. And his name is ''Voldemort'', Filius, you might as well use it; he's going to try to kill you ''either way''. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Remus Lupin''': It is the quality of one’s convictions that determines success, not the number of followers. :'''Kingsley Shacklebolt''': Who said that? :'''Remus Lupin''': Me. <hr width="50%"/> :'''George Weasley''': You okay, Freddie? :'''Fred Weasley''': Yeah. :'''George Weasley''': Me too. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Luna Lovegood''': Harry, wait, I need to talk to you. :'''Harry Potter''': I'm a bit preoccupied at the moment, Luna. :'''Luna Lovegood''': You won't find it where you're going, you're wasting your time. :'''Harry Potter''': We'll talk later, okay, Luna? :'''Luna Lovegood''': Harry! :'''Harry Potter''': Um, later. :'''Luna Lovegood''': ''[shouting]'' ''Harry Potter! You listen to me right now!'' ''[calmer]'' Don't you remember what Cho said about Rowena Ravenclaw's diadem? There's not a person '''''alive''''' who's seen it. It's obvious, isn't it? We have to talk to someone who's dead. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Harry Potter''': You're the Grey Lady. The Ghost of Ravenclaw Tower. :'''Helena Ravenclaw''': I do not answer to that name. :'''Harry Potter''': No, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It's Helena, isn't it? Helena Ravenclaw. Rowena's daughter. :'''Helena Ravenclaw''': Are you a friend of Luna's? :'''Harry Potter''': Yes. And she thought you might be able to help me. :'''Helena Ravenclaw''': You seek my mother's diadem. :'''Harry Potter''': Yes. That's right. :'''Helena Ravenclaw''': Luna is kind, unlike so many of the others. But she was wrong. I cannot help you. :'''Harry Potter''': Wait! Please! I want to destroy it. ''[pause]'' That's what you want too, isn't it, Helena? You want it destroyed. :'''Helena Ravenclaw''': Another swore to destroy it many years ago... a strange boy with a strange name. :'''Harry Potter''': Tom Riddle. :'''Helena Ravenclaw''': But he lied. :'''Harry Potter''': He's lied to many people. :'''Helena Ravenclaw''': '''''I know what he's done! I know who he is!''''' '''''HE DEFILED IT''''' '''''WITH DARK MAGIC!''''' :''[after a moment of silence]'' :'''Harry Potter''': I can destroy it once and for all. But only if you tell me where he hid it. You do know where he hid it, don't you, Helena? You just have to tell me. Please. :'''Helena Ravenclaw''': ''[floats around Harry as she says this]'' Strange. You remind me of him a bit. It's here, in the castle, in the place where everything is hidden. If you have to ask, you will never know. If you know, you need only ask. ''[floats away]'' :'''Harry Potter''': Thank you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Draco Malfoy''': ''[points his wand at Harry]'' Well, well. What brings you here, Potter? :'''Harry Potter''': Might ask you the same. :'''Draco Malfoy''': You have something of mine. I'd like it back. :'''Harry Potter''': ''[Nudging to his wand]'' Well, what's wrong with the one you have? :'''Draco Malfoy''': It's my mother's, it's powerful but it's... not the same. It doesn't quite... understand. You know what I mean? :'''Harry Potter''': Why didn't you tell her? Bellatrix? You knew it was me. But you didn't say anything. :'''Gregory Goyle''': C'mon Draco, don't be a prat, do it. :''[Hermione enters, firing a spell at them]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lucius Malfoy''': My Lord, might it be less... Might it not be more prudent to call off this attack? Simply seek the boy yourself? :'''Lord Voldemort''': I do not need to seek the boy. Before the night is out, he will come to me! Do you understand?! ''[slaps his face]'' Look at me! How can you live with yourself, Lucius? :'''Lucius Malfoy''': I... I don't know. :'''Lord Voldemort''': Go and find Severus. Bring him to me. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Snape and Voldemort are inside the boathouse]'' :'''Severus Snape''': You have performed extraordinary magic with this wand, my Lord, in the last few hours alone. :'''Lord Voldemort''': No. No, I '''''am''''' extraordinary, but the wand... resists me. :''[the trio are now outside the boathouse crouched down, listening]'' :'''Severus Snape''': There is no wand more powerful, Ollivander himself has said it. Tonight, when the boy comes, it will not fail you, I am sure of it. It answers to you, and you only. :'''Lord Voldemort''': Does it? :'''Severus Snape''': My Lord... :'''Lord Voldemort''': The wand, does it truly answer to me? You're a clever man, Severus. Surely, you must know. Where does its true loyalty lie? :'''Severus Snape''': With you, of course, my Lord. :'''Lord Voldemort''': The Elder Wand cannot serve me properly because I am not its true master. The Elder Wand belongs to the wizard who killed its last owner. You killed Dumbledore, Severus. While you live, the Elder Wand cannot truly be mine. You've been a good and faithful servant, Severus, but '''''only I can live...forever'''''. :'''Severus Snape''': My Lord... ''[Voldemort slashes with his wand and cuts Snape's throat; blood spills; Severus falls onto the window]'' :'''Lord Voldemort''': Nagini, kill. ''[Nagini repeatedly bites Snape, mortally wounding him]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Harry is viewing Snape's memories in the Pensieve in Dumbledore’s office]'' :'''Severus Snape''': It will contain the curse to your hand for the time being. It will spread, Albus. :'''Albus Dumbledore''': How long? :'''Severus Snape''': Maybe a year. :''[Snape turns to leave, but Dumbledore stops him]'' :'''Albus Dumbledore''': Don't ignore me, Severus. We both know Lord Voldemort has ordered the Malfoy boy to murder me. But should he fail, one should presume that the Dark Lord would turn to you. You must be the one to kill me, Severus. It is the only way. Only then will the Dark Lord trust you completely. ''[We see Dumbledore being killed by Snape, as shown in ''Half-Blood Prince'']'' There will come a time when Harry Potter must be told something, but you must wait until Lord Voldemort is at his most vulnerable. :'''Severus Snape''': Must be told what? :''[As Dumbledore speaks, we see a worried Snape running inside the Potter home]'' :'''Albus Dumbledore''': On the night Lord Voldemort went to Godric's Hollow to kill Harry, and Lily Potter cast herself between them, the curse rebounded. When that happened, a part of Voldemort's soul latched itself onto the only living thing that it could find: '''''Harry himself.''''' There is a reason Harry can speak with snakes. There is a reason he can look into Voldemort's mind. A part of Voldemort ''lives'' inside him. :'''Severus Snape''': So, when the time comes...the boy must die? :'''Albus Dumbledore''': Yes...yes...he must die. :''[We see Snape arrive in Harry's bedroom and collapsing in horror at the sight of Lily's dead body]'' :'''Severus Snape''': You've kept [[w:Harry Potter (character)|him]] alive so he can die at the proper moment. You've been raising him like a pig for slaughter! :'''Albus Dumbledore''': Don't tell me now that you've grown to care for the boy. :'''Severus Snape''': Expecto Patronum! ''[casts a deer Patronus, the same one that helped Harry find the Sword of Gryffindor in ''Part 1''] :'''Albus Dumbledore''': ''[realizing]'' Lily? ''[A crying Snape is shown holding Lily's body]'' After all this time? :'''Severus Snape''': '''''Always'''''. So, when the time comes...the boy must die? :'''Albus Dumbledore''': Yes, he must die. And Voldemort himself must do it. That is essential. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Harry Potter''': ''[Walking into a clearing in the Forest, Harry pulls the Snitch from his pocket]'' I'm ready to die. ''[He kisses it, and it opens to reveal a small black stone]'' The Resurrection Stone... :''[his parents, Sirius, and Remus appear in the clearing]'' :'''Lily Potter''': You've been so brave, sweetheart. :'''Harry Potter''': Why are you here, all of you? :'''Lily Potter''': We never left. :'''Harry Potter''': Does it hurt, dying? :'''Sirius Black''': Quicker than falling asleep. :'''James Potter''': You're nearly there, son. :'''Harry Potter''': I'm sorry. I never wanted any of you to die for me. And Remus, your son... :'''Remus Lupin''': Others will tell him what his mother and father died for. One day, he'll understand. :'''Harry Potter''': You'll stay with me? :'''James Potter''': Until the end. :'''Harry Potter''': And he won't be able to see you? :'''Sirius Black''': No. ''[points to Harry's heart]'' We're here, you see. :'''Harry Potter''': Stay close to me. :'''Lily Potter''': ''Always''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Voldemort ''kills'' Harry in the forest, he is left in limbo and meets Dumbledore in what looks like King’s Cross Station]'' :'''Albus Dumbledore''': Harry, you wonderful boy. You brave man. Let us walk. :'''Harry Potter''': Professor, what is that? :''[A creature that looks like a much smaller version of Voldemort is in the fetal position under a bench]'' :'''Albus Dumbledore''': Something beyond either of our help. A part of Voldemort, sent here to die. :'''Harry Potter''': And exactly where are we? :'''Albus Dumbledore''': I was going to ask you that. Where would you say that we are? :'''Harry Potter''': Well, it looks like King's Cross Station, only cleaner, and without all the trains. :'''Albus Dumbledore''': King's Cross, is that right? This is, as they say, your party. I expect you now realize that you and Voldemort have been connected by something other than fate, since that night in Godric's Hollow all those years ago. :'''Harry Potter''': So it's true then, isn't it, Sir? A part of him lives in me, doesn't it? :'''Albus Dumbledore''': Did. It was just destroyed many moments ago by none other than Voldemort himself. ''You'' were the Horcrux he never meant to make, Harry. :''[They sit on a bench]'' :'''Harry Potter''': I have to go back, haven't I? :'''Albus Dumbledore''': Oh, that's up to you. :'''Harry Potter''': I have a choice? :'''Albus Dumbledore''': Oh, yes. We're in King's Cross, you say? I think if you so desired, you'd be able to board a train. :'''Harry Potter''': And where would it take me? :'''Albus Dumbledore''': ''[chuckles]'' On. :''[Dumbledore begins walking away]'' :'''Harry Potter''': Voldemort has the Elder Wand. :'''Albus Dumbledore''': True. :'''Harry Potter''': And the snake's still alive. :'''Albus Dumbledore''': Yes. :'''Harry Potter''': And I've nothing to kill it with. :'''Albus Dumbledore''': ''[walks back to Harry]'' Help will always be given at Hogwarts, Harry, to those who ask for it. I've always prized myself on my ability to turn a phrase. '''Words are, in my not so humble opinion, our most inexhaustible source of magic. Capable of both inflicting injury, and remedying it.''' But I would, in this case, amend my original statement to this: "Help would always be given at Hogwarts to those who deserve it." Do not pity the dead, Harry. Pity the living. And above all, those who live without love. :'''Harry Potter''': Professor, my mother's Patronus was a doe, wasn't it? It's the same as Professor Snape's. It's curious, don't you think? :'''Albus Dumbledore''': Actually, if I think about it, it doesn't seem curious at all. I'll be going now, Harry. ''[turns to leave]'' :'''Harry Potter''': Professor? Is this all real? Or is it just happening inside my head? :'''Albus Dumbledore''': '''Of course it's happening inside your head, Harry. Why should that mean that it's not real?''' ''[he fades into the light]'' :'''Harry Potter''': Professor, what shall I do? Professor? :''[Back in the forest, Voldemort woke up after the sixth Horcrux was destroyed]'' :'''Bellatrix Lestrange''': My Lord? My Lord? :'''Lord Voldemort''': I don't want your help! :'''Bellatrix Lestrange''': ''[to Narcissa]'' The boy... is he dead? :'''Narcissa Malfoy''': ''[leaning into Harry, her eyes widen as she feels his heart still beating]'' Is he alive? Draco, is he alive? ''[Harry nods, then she stands and faces Voldemort with one lie]'' Dead. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ginny Weasley''': Who is that Hagrid's carrying? Neville, who is it? :'''Lord Voldemort''': Harry Potter... is ''dead!'' :'''Ginny Weasley''': '''''No! NO!!''''' :'''Lord Voldemort''': Silence! ''[fires a spell towards Ginny, causing her to back down]'' Stupid girl. Harry Potter is dead. ''[to Hogwarts' assembled]'' From this day forth, you put your faith... in me. ''[to Death Eaters]'' Harry Potter is dead! ''[he and his Death Eaters laugh]'' And now is the time to declare yourself. Come forward and join us... or die. :'''Lucius Malfoy''': Draco! Draco. :'''Narcissa Malfoy''': Draco, come. :''[Reluctantly, Draco walks over to Voldemort, who hugs him]'' :'''Lord Voldemort''': Well done, Draco. Well done. ''[Draco walks to his parents. Neville comes forward]'' Well, I must say, I hoped for better. ''[Death Eaters laugh]'' And who might you be, young man? :'''Neville Longbottom''': Neville Longbottom. :''[Death Eaters laugh]'' :'''Bellatrix Lestrange''': Ha-ha! :'''Lord Voldemort''': Well, Neville, I'm sure we can find a place for you in our ranks-- :'''Neville Longbottom''': I'd like to say somethin’. :'''Lord Voldemort''': ''[makes a fist, but then lowers it]'' Well, Neville, I'm sure we'd all be fascinated to hear what you have to say. :'''Neville Longbottom''': It doesn't matter that Harry's gone. :'''Seamus Finnigan''': Stand down, Neville. :'''Neville Longbottom''': People die every day. Friends, family. Yeah, we lost Harry tonight. But he's still with us, in here. ''[gestures to his heart]'' So's Fred, and Remus, Tonks... all of them. They didn't die in vain. ''[to Voldemort, who laughs evily]'' But ''you'' will, 'cause you're wrong! Harry's heart did beat for us, for all of us! It's not over! :''[He draws the Sword of Gryffindor from the Sorting Hat]. Harry's eyes open, he flings out of Hagrid's arms, and pulls out his wand, to Voldemort's utter and complete shock]'' :'''Harry Potter''': ''Confringo!'' :''[He fires a spell at Voldemort's snake, Nagini, but it reflects onto the Death Eaters. As Harry begins to run, Voldemort, now enraged, fires several curses at Harry. As he does, some of his Death Eaters begin to [[w:Magic in Harry Potter#Apparition and Disapparition|disapparate]]]'' :'''Bellatrix Lestrange''': ''[last words]'' No! No, come back! Lucius! Come back! Come back and fight! :''[Some Death Eaters continue to leave, but many stay behind to join Voldemort, who is about to charge the castle]'' :'''Harry Potter''': ''[to Ron, Hermione, and Neville]'' I'll lure him into the castle. We have to kill the snake. <hr width="50%"/> :''[During Harry and Voldemort's final duel]'' :'''Harry Potter''': You were right. When you told Professor Snape that wand was failing you, It will ''always'' fail you. :'''Lord Voldemort''': ''[last and final words]'' I killed Snape! :'''Harry Potter''': But what if the Wand never belonged to Snape? What if its allegiance was always to someone else? Come on, Tom. Let's finish this the way we started it: TOGETHER! ''[throws himself and Voldemort off the roof]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Harry, Ron and Hermione are walking on the damaged Viaduct after Voldemort's death]'' :'''Hermione Granger''': Why didn't it work for him? The Elder Wand? :'''Harry Potter''': It answered to somebody else. When he killed Snape, he thought the Wand would become his, but the thing is, the Wand never belonged to Snape. It was Draco who disarmed Dumbledore that night at the Astronomy Tower. From that moment on, the Wand answered to him, until... the other night, when I disarmed Draco at Malfoy Manor. :'''Ron Weasley''': So that means... :'''Harry Potter''': ...It's mine. :'''Ron Weasley''': What do you reckon we should do with it? :'''Hermione Granger''': "We"? :'''Ron Weasley''': I'm just saying, that's the Elder Wand, the most powerful wand in the world. With that, we'd be invincible. :''[Harry, after thinking for a moment, breaks the Wand in two, and throws it off the viaduct]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Last lines of the final film]'' :'''Albus Severus Potter''': Dad, what if I am put in Slytherin? :'''Harry Potter''': Albus Severus Potter, you were named after two headmasters of Hogwarts. One of them was a Slytherin, and he was the bravest man I've ever known. :'''Albus Severus Potter''': But just say that I am. :'''Harry Potter''': Then Slytherin House will have gained a wonderful, young wizard. But, listen, if it really means that much to you, you can choose Gryffindor. The Sorting Hat takes your choice into account. :'''Albus Severus Potter''': Really? :'''Harry Potter''': Really. ''[train whistle blows]'' Ready? :'''Albus Severus Potter''': Ready. == Taglines == * It all ends. * It all ends here. * Nowhere is safe. * The last enemy is death. * Join me and confront your fate. * Always. == Cast == * [[Daniel Radcliffe]] - [[w:Harry Potter (character)|Harry Potter]] * [[w:Rupert Grint|Rupert Grint]] - [[w:Ron Weasley|Ron Weasley]] * [[Emma Watson]] - [[w:Hermione Granger|Hermione Granger]] * [[Helena Bonham Carter]] - [[w:Bellatrix Lestrange|Bellatrix Lestrange]] * [[w:Robbie Coltrane|Robbie Coltrane]] - [[w:Rubeus Hagrid|Rubeus Hagrid]] * [[Warwick Davis]] - [[w:Filius Flitwick|Filius Flitwick]] * [[w:Tom Felton|Tom Felton]] - [[w:Draco Malfoy|Draco Malfoy]] * [[w:Ralph Fiennes|Ralph Fiennes]] - [[Lord Voldemort]] * [[Michael Gambon]] - [[Albus Dumbledore]] * [[w:John Hurt|John Hurt]] - [[w:Mr. Ollivander|Mr. Ollivander]] * [[w:Jason Isaacs|Jason Isaacs]] - [[w:Lucius Malfoy|Lucius Malfoy]] * [[w:Kelly Macdonald|Kelly Macdonald]] - [[w:Helena Ravenclaw|Helena Ravenclaw]] * [[Gary Oldman]] - [[w:Sirius Black|Sirius Black]] * [[Alan Rickman]] - [[w:Severus Snape|Severus Snape]] * [[w:Maggie Smith|Maggie Smith]] - [[w:Minerva McGonagall|Minerva McGonagall]] * [[w:David Thewlis|David Thewlis]] - [[w:Remus Lupin|Remus Lupin]] * [[w:Julie Walters|Julie Walters]] - [[w:Molly Weasley|Molly Weasley]] * [[w:Matthew Lewis|Matthew Lewis]] - [[w:Neville Longbottom|Neville Longbottom]] * [[Evanna Lynch]] - [[w:Luna Lovegood|Luna Lovegood]] * [[w:Bonnie Wright|Bonnie Wright]] - [[w:Ginny Weasley|Ginny Weasley]] == External links == {{wikipedia}} * {{IMDb title|1201607|Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows – Part 2}} * {{Amg movie|434402|Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows – Part 2}} * {{Rotten-tomatoes|harry_potter_and_the_deathly_hallows_part_ii|Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows – Part 2}} * {{Mojo title|harrypotter72|Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows – Part 2}} * {{Official website|http://harrypotter.warnerbros.com/harrypotterandthedeathlyhallows/mainsite/index.html}} {{Harry Potter}} [[Category:2011 films]] [[Category:Fantasy films]] [[Category:Films based on novels]] [[Category:Films set in schools]] [[Category:Harry Potter]] [[Category:Sequel films]] 6ghxvafdmx81p93tzvphl6lgcmipguw 0 129335 3153064 3152760 2022-08-10T00:37:19Z 92.15.213.44 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} [[File:Beautiful Blue Water - panoramio.jpg|thumb|There's eight million islands out here. Why should they find this one?]] '''''[[w:Lord of the Flies (1990 film)|Lord of the Flies]]''''' is a [[w:1990 in film|1990 American drama film]] a group of schoolboys stranded on an island who degenerate into savagery. :''Directed by [[w:Harry Hook|Harry Hook]]. Written by [[w:Jay Presson Allen|Jay Presson Allen]], adapted from the classic novel [[Lord of the Flies]] by [[William Golding]].'' <center>'''No parents. No teachers. No rules... No mercy.'''[[#Taglines|taglines]]</center> ==Cadet Lieutenant Colonel Ralph== * It doesn't matter who's in charge. We've just gotta work together. First we build a camp. [[File:Starr 060422-7760 Fimbristylis cymosa.jpg|thumb|It doesn't matter who's in charge. We've just gotta work together.]] ==Piggy== * We did everything just the way grownups would have. Why didn't it work? ==Simon's Dream== :'''Sam''': Are you telling the truth? :'''Simon''': Yeah. :''(Showing Sam, Eric, Andy and Larry lying in the grass)'' :'''Eric''': We don't believe you. :'''Sam''': Yeah, you're lying. :''(Captain Benson comes to them)'' :'''Captain Benson''': Why aren't you getting ready? :'''Larry''': Sir, is it really true? :'''Captain Benson''': You bet it is, Simon's right, we're gonna be rescued. Get your things together guys, we're going home. :''(Simon in the dream smiles, then the real Simon wakes up and looks to the left at the delusional Captain Benson sleeping)'' ==Dialogue== [[File:Blue Water, Black Rock, Green Plants - panoramio.jpg|thumb|Are we ever going home?]] [[File:C1Lt.svg|thumb|Face it, Jack, you fucked up! We could've been rescued!]] [[File:US - CAP Cadet Lt Col.png|thumb|What it means, ''Colonel'', is that if you know what's good for you you'll stop trying to run everything!]] [[File:Campfire 4213.jpg|thumb|We did everything just the way grownups would have. Why didn't it work?]] :'''Jack''': You better start learning to live with yourself, because we ain't gonna get rescued. :'''Piggy''': What are you talking about? :'''Jack''': Just being logical. A plane goes down in the middle of the ocean, there's no wreckage; who's gonna find us? :'''Piggy''': Why don't you just shut up? :'''Jack''': Are you telling ''me'' to shut up? :'''Piggy''': What we need around here is positive people, not people trying to scare people! :'''Jack''': What we don't need around here is ''you'', shitbrain! :'''Sam''': His name's not shitbrain! [''w/'' '''Eric'''] It's Piggy! :'''Jack''': Yeah Piggy! :'''Ralph''': Shut up! Everybody just shut up! [''To Piggy''] It's just 'cause you're new. :'''Piggy''': No it's not. It's always this way. :[''The other boys continue to laugh''] :'''Ralph''': Just cut it out, okay! <hr width="50%"> :'''Jack''': Rodge, you okay, man? That was some jump. :'''Roger''': [''Feels the bump on his head''] I got him. Right up his ass. :'''Will, Sam, Eric, Pablo, Andy''': Up the ass! :[''Will crawls up like the pig, and Sam, Eric, Pablo and Andy playfully push their spears into him in''] :'''Eric''': Get him, get him, get him! :'''Will''': Hey, come on, cut it out! :'''Ralph''': Stop it! :'''Will''': You dorks, it hurt! :'''Sam''': [''Giggly''] I know it hurt. <hr width="50%"> :'''Sheraton''': What time is it? :'''Andy''': What difference does it make? :'''Sheraton''': Well, if I knew what time it was, I'd know what's on TV. I'm not even sure what day it is. :'''Andy''': It's Monday. :'''Sheraton''': Are you sure? :'''Andy''': I'm sure. :'''Sheraton''': Mondays...Monday's ALF! :'''Andy''': ALF comes on at 8 o'clock. It's a lot later than 8. :'''Sheraton''': Yeah, but I bet we're in a different time zone. I bet it's really about 8 o'clock, and ALF's causing some trouble right now. :'''Andy''': Yeah. <hr width="50%"> :'''Jack''': What's this dumb shit out here about a monster? We're gonna have to send you back to kindergarten! :'''Larry''': I'm serious! :'''Jack''': [''Sarcastic''] Okay, what kind of monster? Did it have fur and poison fangs, or long slimy tentacles? :'''Larry''': It growled and it came out at me and its mouth, it was wet. :'''Luke''': Maybe it was a bear. :'''Roger''': Sounds more like a reptile. :'''Jack''': Sounds more like a ''bullshit''! <hr width="50%"> :'''Ralph''': The reason I'm calling this assembly is, too much people are screwing around when they should be working. I mean there's a bunch of things. Some kids don't even know when to use the ''bathroom''. :'''Tony''': Yeah. There's this one kid, the other day he took a shit in his pants and then sat in it! I'm not naming names because it's possible, ''Mikey'' couldn't help it! :[''The boys laugh and tease Mikey''] :'''Piggy''': Everybody shut those goddamn mouths! Ralph's got the conch! :'''Ralph''': All I mean is we have to have more discipline, and more spearfishing. We've gotta have real food. :'''Rapper''': [''Offscreen''] We should be hunting pigs :'''Ralph''': That's all I got to say. Anyone else want the conch? :'''Luke''': Some jerk-off stole my pocketknife. :'''Steve''': Yeah, things are disappearing all over. :'''Will''': What are we gonna do with thieves when we catch 'em? :[''The boys all start all shouting out their opinions''] :'''Tony''': Shove their dick in the conch! :'''Sam''': Put a stick up their butt! Ram it in there! :'''Ralph''': OK, OK! We can't have kids stealing and just running wild. We're gonna have to have stricter rules. And hand out demerits, I guess. :[''The boys scoff and joke at the idea''] :'''Roger''': Demerits? :'''Rapper''': Demerits for ''grand larceny''? :'''Will''': Eat shit and die! :'''Jack''': [''Pumping a fist in the air''] YEAH! :[''The boys all continue laughing out of excitement. Peter goes up to Ralph, and the boys all stop''] :'''Peter''': Sir? :[''Ralph looks at Peter''] :'''Peter''': Are we ever going home? :'''Ralph''': Of course we are. As soon as they see our signal. :'''Peter''': Jack says that we're never gonna be rescued. :'''Ralph''': No, you misunderstood him, that's not what he meant. :'''Jack''': That's ''exactly'' what I meant. There's eight million islands out here. Why should they find this one? :'''Ralph''': [''To Peter''] Don't listen to him. We will be rescued, Peter, honest. <hr width="50%"> :'''Ralph''': Face it, Jack, you fucked up! We could've been rescued! :'''Jack''': Back off, man! I'm sick of your shit and so's my gang! :'''Ralph''': 'Your' gang? What's ''that'' supposed to mean? :'''Jack''': What it means, ''Colonel'', is that if you know what's good for you you'll stop trying to run everything! <hr width="50%"> :'''Jack''': Whats the matter, tits?! Were you afraid to bring it with you? Anyway the conch doesn't count anymore, Miss Piggy-tits! :'''Ralph''': Stop that! :'''Jack''': Nobody's interested in you and your fucking conch! Why don't you take your fat friend and shove off! You've had all the meat you can eat! Come on, hunters! Roger's the pig! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Roger''': Now, let's you just drop them pants. :'''Piggy''': Drop? :'''Roger''': Just take 'em right off. :'''Bobby''': I-I mean, what's this all about? :'''Jack''': Don't say anything, just do it. :'''Roger''': Just drop 'em, boy! ''[To Ralph - at knifepoint]'' You ever had your balls cut off, you fuckin' ape? :'''Piggy''': Lord. :'''Roger''': Look at there, that's sharp. I bet it'd shave a hair. :'''Jack''': Why don't ya try it and see? :'''Piggy''': Lord, lord. Deliver us from all. :'''Jack''': ''[To Piggy]'' Pull off that little ol' bitty shirt there, too. ''[To Roger]'' Did he bleed? :'''Roger''': ''[After slicing Ralph with his knife]'' He bled. ''[To Piggy]'' Them panties, take 'em off. ''[After attacking and spanking him as Piggy tries to scramble up the bank]'' Get up, boy. Come on, get on up there. ''[Slaps Piggy's ass, Piggy eventually reaches the top of the bank before Roger pulls him down, who joins him on the floor before lustfully groping his naked chest, with utter hunger and lust in his eyes]'' :'''Piggy''': No, no, no. Oh, no. No. Don't. :'''Roger''': Hey boy. You look just like a hog. :'''Piggy''': Don't, don't. :'''Roger''': Just like a hog. Come here, piggy, piggy, piggy. ''[Holding Piggy's nose as he straddles him from behind]'' Come on, piggy, come on Piggy, give me a ride, a ride. Hey, boy. Get up and give me a ride. ''[Punches Piggy in the back after he is unable to handle Roger's weight and collapses]'' :'''Piggy''': All right. :'''Roger''': Get up and give me a ride, boy. :'''Piggy''': All right. All right. :'''Roger''': Get up! Get up there! :'''Piggy''': All right. ''[His underwear is pulled off, and Roger once again spanks him]'' Oh no, no! ''[Roger keeps lunging for Piggy, slapping at him while Piggy whimpers and cowers away, eventually getting up and pulling his panties up while Roger just laughs]'' :'''Roger''': Looks like we got us a sow here, instead of a boar. :'''Piggy''': Don't. Don't. :'''Roger''': What's the matter, boy? I bet you can squeal. I bet you can squeal like a pig. ''[Sensing that sodomy is near, he undoes his braces, causing his trousers to slowly lower]'' Let's squeal. Squeal now. Squeal. ''[Piggy's ear is pulled]'' :'''Piggy''': Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeee! :'''Roger''': Squeal. Squeal louder. Louder. Louder, louder. Louder! Louder! Louder! Get down now, boy. There, get them britches down. ''[Roger pulls down Piggy's panties, who is now prostrate over a rotting log]'' That's that. ''[Roger begins preparing his own erection while slapping Piggy's ass one more time]'' You can do better than that, boy. You can do better than that. Come on, squeal. Squeal. ''[The squealing continues between the two for a while, before Roger finally is aroused enough and violently penetrates Piggy with his phallus without any sort of lubrication, causing Piggy to scream loudly in pain. As Roger begins thrusting away at Piggy, Jack turns to Ralph and gives him a knowing, depraved grin that this will soon be his fate as well. Eventually, Roger prematurely ejaculates into Piggy, forcing his head down into the dirt, and eventually withdrawing himself, sodomy having been achieved. As he does his braces up, Roger gives one violent kick to Piggy's testicles as he still lies prostrate over the rotting log like a sow in heat presenting herself to any takers. His masculinity is non-existent, and Roger has claimed him as his sex slave.]'' <hr width="50%"> :[''Ralph and Piggy walk to Castle Rock together to retrieve Piggy's glasses. Ralph with a spear, and Piggy with a stick to help him walk''] :'''Roger''': Halt! Who goes there! :[''Will whistles, and Tex joins him and Roger to look down the cliff at Ralph and Piggy''] :'''Ralph''': Don't be stupid, you know who we are! We brought the conch and I'm calling an assembly! Where's Jack?! :'''Jack''': What do you want now?! :'''Ralph''': You heard me! We brought the conch and I'm calling an assembly! :'''Jack''': Why don't you two just fuck off?! This is my end and my tribe! Keep to your own end! :'''Ralph''': You're the one that won't keep to your own end! Tearing up our camp and stealing Piggy's glasses! You've gotta give 'em back! :'''Jack''': Got to?! Who says?! :'''Ralph''': I do! :[''Jack walks towards Ralph with his spear''] :'''Ralph''': Piggy can't see! If you wanted to have a fire all you had to do was ask! :'''Jack''': I don't have to ask! :[''Jack whacks his spear onto Ralph's. The two start fighting. The boys standing on the cliff slope cheer on for Jack. Ralph jumps right at Jack, and the two continue fighting without the spears. Piggy watches them, still currently sightless. Ralph kicks Jack, and the conch blows, ending the fight. Jack and Ralph look at the blower: Piggy, who then blows again''] :'''Piggy''': I've got the conch! Let me speak! :'''Tony''': Get out of here, Piggy! :[''Jack pushes Piggy's arm, and walks back to the slope. Above, Will and Roger are chucking stones''] :'''Ralph''': Stop that, Roger! Let Piggy speak! :[''Will wolf-whistles. All the boys on the slope start simultaneously berating Piggy''] :'''Piggy''': Please! This is serious! :'''Tony''': Get out, fat ass. :'''Luke''': Go away. :'''Tony''': Go back to your own camp! :'''Piggy''': [''As the other boys are still berating him''] What I wanna say is...if we don't get rescued...we might have to live here for a long time! :'''Tony''': Shut up! :'''Piggy''': Maybe the rest of our lives! :[''Roger put his spear to one side''] :'''Piggy''': If we are stuck here until we get old, then we can't go on acting like kids! :[''Ralph looks up at Roger''] :'''Piggy''': We've gotta be sensible and make things work! :[''Roger pushes the boulder off the cliff''] :'''Ralph''': NOOOO!!!!! :[''The boulder smacks Piggy in the head, and blood appears. His stick and the conch both fall out of his hands. He falls back onto the ground. Ralph looks down at Piggy, then at Jack, then up at Roger, and then back at Piggy. Piggy lies still on the ground, head covered in blood, and his wide open eyes have gone from unseeing to sightless. Ralph feels his chest. Piggy's heart doesn't beat. Ralph looks at Jack, very anxiously''] :'''Ralph''': [''To Jack''] You're not gonna get away with this. :'''Jack''': Yeah? And what are you gonna do? Huh? What are you gonna do about it? :[''Ralph still looks at Jack, shocked as he does so''] :'''Jack''': You're out of it pal, you're on your own! :[''Jack picks up a rock and chucks it towards Ralph. The other boys on the slope do the same, as does Roger. Ralph runs away, as Will chucks a stone towards him. Ralph dodges them all as he runs''] == Taglines == * No parents. No teachers. No rules... No mercy. * What separates Man from Beast? Not Much! * We did everything the way grown-ups would have... What went wrong? * The classic story of conflict and survival. == Cast == * [[w:Balthazar Getty|Balthazar Getty]] - Ralph * [[w:Chris Furrh|Chris Furrh]] - Jack * [[w:Danuel Pipoly|Danuel Pipoly]] - Piggy * [[w:James Badge Dale|James Badge Dale]] - Simon * Andrew Taft - Sam * Edward Taft - Eric * Gary Rule - Roger * [[w:Michael Greene|Michael Greene]] - Captain Benson * [[w:Bob Peck|Bob Peck]] - U.S. Marine Corps Officer == External links == {{wikipedia}} * {{IMDb title|0100054}} * {{Mojo title|lordoftheflies}} * {{Rotten-tomatoes|lord_of_the_flies}} [[Category:1990 films]] [[Category:Adventure films]] [[Category:American films]] [[Category:Drama films]] [[Category:Films based on novels]] [[Category:Films set on islands]] eoazi827z9mf3pgblrtlckzop7i3q3a 0 130361 3152996 3150851 2022-08-09T20:14:10Z 2600:1700:24A3:170:9C1D:61C1:3E6A:AAD1 /* Episode Seven [2.07] */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} ---- :'''Seasons:''' [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 1|1]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 2|2]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 3|3]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 4|4]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 5|5]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 6|6]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 7|7]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 8|8]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 9|9]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 10|10]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 11|11]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 12|12]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 13|13]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 14|14]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 15|15]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 16|16]] [[Hell's Kitchen/Season 17|17]] | '''[[Hell's Kitchen|Main]]''' ---- <br> '''''[[w:Hell's Kitchen (U.S.)|Hell's Kitchen]]''''' is an American cooking reality show based on [[w:Hell's Kitchen (UK)|the British program of the same title]], where Chef [[w:Gordon Ramsay|Gordon Ramsay]] puts aspiring chefs through different challenges and dinner services to decide who is the best. === Episode One [2.01] === <hr width=50%> :'''Virginia:''' It's my coconut and pomegranate root salad. :'''Gordon:''' And what's cooked on the plate? :'''Virginia:''' Hmmm.... the nuts are toasted. :'''Gordon:''' (sarcastically) The nuts are toasted? :'''Virginia:''' Yes. :'''Gordon:''' Well fuck me! We've toasted nuts for 29 minutes and then grated a coconut! ''[tastes her food]'' It's fine. ''[Virginia smiles]'' As far as rabbit food goes because it's all raw and crunchy. <hr width="50%"/> :''[During prep, Tom is sweating into the boiled tomatoes]'' :'''Gordon''': Tom! :'''Tom''': Yes, chef? :'''Gordon''': You're sweating in the fucking food! We're in danger of being closed down before we even open. Get it in the bin and start again. <hr width=50%> :'''Man''': ''[comes up to the hotplate]'' Gordon? :'''Gordon''': Let me just serve this table. :'''Man''': Why is there no pumpkin in my risotto? :'''Gordon''': Right, can you get out of the way? One spaghetti, one risotto. :'''Man''': I want the next pumpkin risotto. :'''Gordon''': Oh? Are you always going to be that rude and interrupt when I'm trying to talk? :'''Man''': I just want more pumpkin, that's all I want. :'''Gordon''': Right, well I'll give you more pumpkin and I'll ram it right up your fucking ass. Would you like it whole or diced? Can we get security and get Knob back to the seat please, yes? :'''Man''': I just want pumpkin. <hr width=50%> :'''Gordon''': This has been open for an hour and a half. We have served fucking zero. :'''Polly''': Yes, chef. :'''Gordon''': I've put more food in the bin tonight than I've ever seen in ten years! <hr width="50%"/> :''[With Polly on appetizers, nothing has come out of the red kitchen in 90 minutes. Heather is now on appetizers and has brought them to the pass.]'' :'''Gordon''': Service, please. :'''Sara''': Yay!!! ''[Heather tries to shush Sara]'' Sorry. Sorry. :'''Gordon''': What's going on? :'''Heather''': Nothing, chef. Nothing chef. :'''Gordon''': Who's shouting and screaming? Hey, Sara, let me just tell you something. You're not a fucking cheerleader so stop acting like one. Because we have nothing to fucking smile about. And listen, ladies, that has been one hour and forty minutes for four starters. And personally, I wouldn't laugh, or scream, or start wetting your knickers, because that is fucking embarrassing. :'''Heather''': Yes, chef. :'''Sara''': (interview) Nobody deserved to be shouted at. I feel like a little worm on a big fucking hook right now! :'''Gordon''': Just take one good look at yourselves in the mirror, 'cause it's a fucking disgrace! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Virginia:''' What do you guy think we should do about the sauce? :'''Rachel:''' What have you got? :'''Virginia:''' I have a whole bunch of lamb stock and... :'''Maryann:''' This is veal stock! This isn't lamb stock, this is veal stock. There's no way in hell we can pass this off as fucking lamb sauce. :'''Virginia:''' (interview) I was totally desperate. Desperate enough to go over to the other team and ask them for some lamb stock. ''[crosses into the blue kitchen and goes over to Giacomo]'' May I have some lamb stock, please? :'''Giacomo:''' I don't think so. :'''Keith:''' ''[laughs]'' No way! Get out! :'''Virginia:''' Please, you guys? :'''Keith:''' No way. :'''Virginia:''' You guys don't want to share any with me? You guys don't know if you might need something in the future. :'''Keith:''' I don't give a fuck. :'''Virginia:''' (interview) It was horrible. It was horrible. No matter what I did, something was messed up. :'''Gordon:''' We are so fucked it's unbelievable. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Customers''': ''[chanting]'' I WANT MY FOOD! I WANT MY FOOD! WE WANT OUR FOOD! WE WANT OUR FOOD! :'''Gordon''': Listen to that shit! (to Jean-Philippe) I can't take it anymore. Shut it down. (to both teams) Stop! Turn it off! === Episode Two [2.02] === :'''Gordon:''' (to the Blue Team) Okay, listen up, here we go. On order, two covers table 24. Appetisers: one spaghetti, one Salad Saint-Jacques. Entrées: one duck, one chicken. Let's go, all together. :'''Tom:''' Would you please repeat it chef? :'''Gordon:''' Move your fat ass, and read it yourself, okay? :'''Tom:''' Fair enough, chef. :'''Gordon:''' Four minutes to the window, one spaghetti, one Salad of Saint-Jacques. :'''Gabe:''' Yes, chef. :'''Gordon:''' Four minutes? :'''Gabe:''' We need two quails, chef, with that? :'''Gordon:''' Two quail? Gabe-- :'''Gabe:''' No, no, I know chef-- :'''Gordon:''' Sh--shut the fuck up... :'''Gabe:''' Yes, chef. :'''Gordon:''' Would you MIND not being so rude?! :'''Gabe''': Yes, chef. :'''Gordon''': There's quail nowhere on that ticket! :'''Gabe:''' Yes, chef. :'''Gordon:''' Just listen! :'''Gabe:''' Yes, chef! :'''Gordon:''' Concentrate! :'''Gabe:''' Yes, chef! :'''Gordon:''' Four minutes to the window! One spaghetti of lobster, one ''scallops''! :'''Gabe:''' Yes, chef! :'''Gordon:''' Now, would you like me to fucking e-mail that to your BlackBerry? :'''Gabe:''' No, chef. :'''Gordon:''' Move your ass! :'''Gabe:''' Yes, chef! <hr width=50%> :'''Gordon:''' (to Maribel, after she spilled the spaghetti) Right now, here's what I suggest you do: buy a restaurant and put one table in there. Any more than that, you'd be fucked! <hr width=50%> :'''Gordon''': One duck and one chicken! :'''Tom''': I have a duck and a chicken ready for it's sides. :'''Gordon''': (to Giacomo) And taste that. Taste that there. Just taste that. Why has he fried the cabbage? :'''Scott Leibfried''': I don't know chef. :'''Gordon''': It's like glue! Is that what you want to do is to start sneaking things in there? :'''Giacomo''': No chef. :'''Gordon''': So, you agree it tastes like shit. :'''Giacomo''' Yes sir, and I still served it. :'''Gordon''': You still served it? :'''Giacomo''': Sorry, chef. :'''Gordon''': Hey, hey, and you want a restaurant in Vegas? :'''Giacomo''': A lot of work to do chef. :'''Gordon''': Hey, why don't you become a hairdresser? Poncing around with women's hair? <hr width=50%> :'''Man''': All I want to know is we're going to eat tonight or not. :'''Gordon''': Honestly, for the first time in my fucking cooking career, yeah? I'm in a kitchen with muppets. Thank you, sir. <hr width=50%> :''[the customers have left Hell's Kitchen]'' :'''Gordon''': Ladies, just come here. Just stand there and tell what you see in the dining room. ''[crosses over to the blue kitchen]'' Hey, you, hello? Gabe. You, (to Tom) Sinbad. Shut it. (to Giacomo) Mop-head, hello? Just come here all four of you. Just stand there and tell what you see in the dining room. Right in front of your very own eyes, a death of a restaurant. ''[cuts to the empty dining room]'' Pathetic. Shut it down! === Episode Three [2.03] === :''[In the challenge. The blue team has three dishes while the red team only has two.]'' :'''Gordon''': So, blue team. Tortellinis, but sadly, no sauce. :'''Tom''': ''[slouching against the counter]'' May I speak? :'''Gordon''': No tortellinis... :'''Tom''': May I speak? :'''Gordon''': ...from the red team. (to Tom) May you speak? May you stand up straight and stop acting like a slob? :'''Tom''': Well I'm trying... no, I need to- :'''Gordon''': No no - cut the fucking bullshit, will you? Just stand up straight, at least look like a fucking cook! :'''Tom''': Yes, chef. :'''Gordon''': ''[mocks Tom]'' Do I slouch and slob and talk like this like some big fat fucking slob? :'''Tom''': (interview) Who do you think you're talking to? He doesn't want to get into a street fight with me. Trust me. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Giacomo''': Chef Scott, this oven is cold. It's coming out cold. :'''Scott''': What, you're just noticing this now? :'''Giacomo''': No, I noticed it earlier. :'''Scott''': Dude, you don't have the fuckin' gas on, stupid! :'''Gordon''': Why is the oven not on? Hello, bird-brain! Why is the oven not on?! :'''Giacomo''': I'm not sure, chef. :'''Gordon''': You're not sure. YOU DONKEY! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gordon''': You've stopped caring now. I can see it in your attitude. :'''Tom''': No, I haven't. :'''Gordon''': Yes, you fucking have. You stopped caring now. What do you care about? :'''Tom''': I care about making an ass of myself right now. :'''Gordon''': Really? Hey, congratulations. Exactly what you're just doing. <hr width=50%> :''[A red table has walked out after waiting two hours for wellingtons]'' :'''Gordon''': Missy. :'''Maribel''': Yes, chef. :'''Gordon''': Table has walked out. And the sad thing about it: you've given up so FUCKING easily because you don't give a SHIT! ''[kicks the bins]'' '''SHIT!!''' (to the red team) Switch everything off, yeah? :'''Sara''': Yes, chef. :''[customers are leaving Hell's Kitchen]'' :'''Lady''': Alright, well thank you. :'''Man''': Yeah, thanks for nothing. :'''Gordon''': Everyone, shut the kitchen down. === Episode Four [2.04] === :'''Gordon''': (to Garrett) There's not even an ounce of salt in there. Are you serious? We can't send any food, Garrett... GARRETT... Unless we've tasted anything. If you haven't tasted your own fucking food, what chance have you got!? :'''Garrett''': None. :'''Gordon''': I'd rather fuck off for a burger! <hr width=50%> :'''Gordon''': (on Maribel's potatoes) Maribel, what is that? :'''Maribel''': It's mashed potatoes, chef. :'''Gordon''': Tell me why is it gone like glue? Missy, I'd get some fresh ones if I was you. :'''Maribel''': (to her team mates) Do we have any more potatoes, guys? :'''Gordon''': Oh, dear. You know what? If that's the last thing in this country to eat, I'd fucking starve. <hr width=50%> :'''Gordon''': (to Tom) This order here is 7:35. Hello? Stop! Hey, lis--Stop! Come here, you... you idiot. Now I've FUCKING HAD ENOUGH! What I'm trying to tell you in your fucking eyeball, is that the quail in the spaghetti now, and you're putting the quail in. :'''Tom''': No, I have the ones there. :'''Gordon''': THAT'S FOR THAT FUCKING ORDER THERE!!! ''[pounds the counter; the restaurant falls silent.]'' You're not bothered, are you? It doesn't hurt, does it? ''[points to his heart]'' There's nothing here. :'''Tom''': No, it does. I can't yell. I can't cry. All I have to do is do it. ''[Tom's meat pan catches fire.]'' :'''Gordon''': Oh, my God. ''[Tom blows on the fire and it gets bigger]'' THE DUCK'S BURNT!! YOU'RE COOKING IN A BURNT PAN, YOU FUCKING DICK!! Oh, my God, leave it! Leave it! '''LEAVE IT!!''' Just fucking leave it! ''[places the pan off the burner and the fire goes out]'' You're going to blow fire in your face, you fucking '''DONKEY!!!''' Keith. :'''Keith''': Yes, chef. :'''Gordon''': Get on the meat section, and stay next to him, and don't let him cook a fucking thing! And you (Tom), open those big eyes and watch what the fuck this guy is doing. :'''Tom''': Yes, chef. :'''Gordon''': Shut it and watch! :'''Tom''': Yes, chef. :'''Gordon''': '''SHUT IT!!!''' <hr width=50%> :'''Tom''': I'm waiting on-- :'''Gordon''': '''SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU!! YOU DONKEY!!!''' <hr width=50%> :'''Gordon''': Missy. :'''Rachel''': Yes, chef? :'''Gordon''': Why are you glazing it with butter and not egg wash? :'''Rachel''': It was egg wash, sir. :'''Gordon''': What's that in there? :'''Rachel''': That's egg. :'''Gordon''': Egg yolk or egg white? :'''Rachel''': Egg white? :'''Gordon''': Oh, no. Have they all been glazed all night with egg white? :'''Rachel''': Wrong thing evidently. :'''Gordon''': Oh, no. Why are wellingtons going in now? :'''Virginia''': We ran out, chef. :'''Gordon''': You ''ran out?'' :'''Virginia''': Yes. :'''Gordon''': Oh, fuck me... ladies, I personally don't want to do this anymore. (to Rachel) I'm fed up with your shit, (to Maribel) I'm fed up with your shit. (to Virginia) You've been a fucking letdown the minute you started cooking. :'''Virginia''': Yes, chef. :'''Gordon''': Then you LIED to me that the turbot's en route, when she (Sara) hasn't even got it out of the FUCKING fridge! Do you want to continue like this? :'''Virginia''': No, chef. :'''Gordon''': Fuck the lot of you, is that clear? :'''Red Team''': Yes, chef! :'''Gordon''': Fuck the lot of you! :'''Rachel''': Yes, chef. :'''Gordon''': ''[pounds the counter]'' You! Come here, you. (to Keith) Fat fuck. (to Tom) Hey, doughnut. Come here, you. Hey, ladies, come here. Let me tell you something, ''[takes off his apron and throws it at Tom]'' Here you go! ''[throws his towel at Tom]'' Here you go! I've had enough. I've had ENOUGH! I cannot believe you're actually attempting to fucking win a restaurant! Get back in your fucking dorms, and alone. By the time you get back in here, from the blue team, nominate someone that's going tonight. And from the red team, come back with someone that's leaving. NOW GET OUT! '''OUT!''' LEAVE THE STOVES! :'''Lady''': I don't think we're getting dessert. === Episode Five [2.05] === :'''Narrator''': Chef Ramsey is giving the red team some polite words of engorgement. :'''Gordon''': (To the Red Team) Please, please, please, please, please, please, please move your asses!! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Gordon checks the quail brought up by Rachel]'' :'''Gordon''': Oh, no. No, no, no. Rachel! :'''Rachel''': Yes, chef? :'''Gordon''': Come here, you. Come here. No, fuck it. All of you, come here right now. ''[pounds the counter]'' And eat. Eat that. Eat it. I'm, I'm, I'm--I'm dying to understand what's going through your FUCKING MIND! Now, what do you think of the quail? :'''Sara''': It's overcooked. Little too much production on the sauce chef and you can see bones. :'''Gordon''': What's your verdict? :'''Maribel''': It's dry and tastes a little burned. :'''Gordon''': Yeah, it's shit! A little burned?! Fuck me! Do you need some glasses? (to Jean-Philippe) Ask one of the customers for his fucking glasses. There, table seven, he's got them (to Rachel) And what's in it for you? :'''Rachel''': It's overcooked. :'''Gordon''': Pssss...fuck off will you? :'''Virginia''': All right, let's do it again guys, come on. ''[Jean-Philippe returns with a pair of glasses]'' :'''Gordon''': There they are. There's the gentleman's glasses. I'm serious now! Does anyone need a pair of glasses? Fuck off, Jean-Philippe. Did you really think I was going to go out there with the quail, burned to a cinder? (Rachel doesn't answer) Did you really think I was going to send that? I need to know in your mind. Did you actually think I was going to serve that? (still no answer) Come here, you, come here. ''[leads Rachel into the pantry]'' What the fuck are you doing? Do you want to go home? :'''Rachel''': Ahem. :'''Gordon''': No, no, tell me now! :'''Rachel''': I will not let you down tonight. :'''Gordon''': You already have! I want to pull it back! :'''Rachel''': I will get you through entrées. :'''Gordon''': I know damn well you can do it. I can see it in your eyes. I can identify with the hunger but right now, missy, there's just a blonde empty fucking head. :'''Rachel''': I won't let you down. :'''Gordon''': Get it together, communicate, open up and start talking to me. Now move! :'''Rachel''': Yes, chef. <hr width=50%> :'''Gordon''': This is your time now to step up and get your team together. :'''Keith''': Yes, chef. :'''Gordon''': Those two, yeah? Are cooking like donkeys. Come on! Donkey's Kitchen, should we change the fucking logo? D.K.? :'''Garrett''': No, chef. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gordon''': Come on, Garrett! Keith and Garrett! You just got all quiet! None of you are working as a team! Where's the lamb '''SAUCE?!''' :'''Heather''': Come on, man! :'''Garrett''': I just need a minute-- :'''Gordon''': '''WHERE'S THE LAMB SAUCE?!''' :'''Heather''': Right here, chef. :'''Garrett''': Lamb sauce is coming up. :'''Gordon''': There's just nothing coming together! :'''Garrett''': Right here, chef. :'''Gordon''': Thank you very much. :'''Garrett''': Not a problem, chef. :'''Gordon''': Oh, fuck off you, you fat useless sack of fucking yankee-danky-doodle shit. Fuck off, will you please, yeah? <hr width=50%> :''[Gordon checks on wellingtons brought up by Rachel]'' :'''Gordon''': (to Maryann) How's it cooked? :'''Maryann''': It was cold. :'''Gordon''': Uhm, Rachel, come here. :'''Rachel''': Yes, chef? :'''Gordon''': Just touch that. What's the lamb? :'''Rachel''': It's well done. :'''Gordon''': It's requested pink. That's cooked to fuck! ''[pounds the counter]'' It's barely edible!! ''[sits down]'' Aw, for God's sake! :'''Rachel''': Rachel, this is pitiful. Rachel, you suck. :'''Gordon''': (to Rachel) Stop right there. I'm going to put you out of your misery. Switch it off. ''[crosses over to the blue kitchen]'' Just stop. Shut it down! :'''Heather''': Yes, chef. <hr width=50%> :'''Narrator''': Although dinner service is finished, Chef Ramsay is not finished with one of the chefs. :'''Gordon''': (to Keith) You've got that spoiled brat syndrome. That huffy puffy, turn your eyes, fold your arms and you don't even look at me in the eyes. :'''Keith''': I didn't mean that, chef. :'''Gordon''': Deep down inside, you've got a big amount of talent there, you know that. But my biggest problem is no one's noticed it properly. Has anyone ever told you how good you could be? :'''Keith''': No, chef. :'''Gordon''': You can cook, big man, you know that. The first hour and a half of service, you were running it. Then you made one stupid mistake. The quicker you get rid of the attitude, you're going to shine. :'''Keith''': Yes, chef. === Episode Six [2.06] === :'''Heather''': (referring to herself, Keith and Garrett) We're going to be the final three. <hr width=50%> :[While unloading ice from a truck] :'''Keith''': Heather is one tough bitch! :'''Heather''': I'm the toughest bitch there is. <hr width=50%> :'''Heather''': I was sweating like Tom today. <hr width="50%"> :''[Gordon and the red team walk into Nick & Stef's Steakhouse]'' :'''Gordon''': So this place is renowned for its steaks. :'''Narrator''': Now the red team has moved onto entrées at another Hollywood hot spot. :'''Maribel''': Nice and private, very nice. :'''Narrator''': And Virginia has an important question for the owner... :'''Virginia''': What's the one key thing that you can honestly say? I'm saying like right when you think of it. What can you tell me here right now? I'm saying like... :'''Narrator''': ...if only she could ask it. :'''Virginia''': ...What have you learned now that you didn't know then when you opened up a place? :'''Joachim Splichal''': You need consistency. That's it. Consistency. :'''Virginia''': I just find it very, I love the fact that you grew so quickly. I mean that's so... :'''Sara''': (interview) We were like "Shut up! Shut up!" At what point is Virginia not fake? :'''Virginia''': ...so on and so forth. But, you know anyway... :'''Maribel''': (interview) "Blah. blah. blah. Yadda. Yadda." Virginia, she annoys me. <hr width="50%"/> :[The chefs meet in front of Chef Ramsay] :'''Gordon''': Garrett, yesterday when I went out with the girls, you... gave me this (the finger). Right now big boy, you've got nothing to be brash, cocky or show such attitude over. Do you want to go? :'''Garrett''': No. :'''Gordon''': I never, ever want to see this in front of my face again. Let's get that clear. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': The red team has moved on to entrées and Sara has brought her lamb... :''[Sara delivers her lamb to the pass, Gordon checks it]'' :'''Gordon''': What's that? :'''Narrator''': ...to the slaughter. :'''Gordon''': What the fuck is that? Missy (Sara), Just what are you doing with the lamb? :'''Sara''': I'm learning, chef. :'''Gordon''': You're learning? :'''Sara''': Yes, chef. :'''Gordon''': What do you mean you're learning? :''[flashback to when the red team creates their own menu]'' :'''Gordon''': Sara! What is going on? Are you... fucking blind? :'''Sara''': No, chef. :'''Gordon''': What is that? In your-- What are-- I don't know what the fuck you're doing! :'''Sara''': Me neither, chef. :'''Gordon''': That is not going anywhere, missy! :'''Sara''': Okay. :'''Gordon''': Except in the fucking bin!! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Gordon asks for Sara's lamb in the red kitchen]'' :'''Gordon''': Where is the lamb? :'''Sara''': It's working, chef. :'''Gordon''': I'm about to send the third table of entrées from the blue team and I ''still'' haven't got the lamb out from the ''red team''! :'''Sara''': Yes, chef. :'''Gordon''': '''Now it's turning into a fucking big embarrassment!!!''' :'''Sara''': Yes, chef! :'''Gordon''': '''And I'm gonna kick you out any minute now, unless you get me a fucking lamb!!!''' :'''Sara''': Yes, chef! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gordon''': Sara! Come here, missy! :'''Sara''': Yes, chef? :'''Gordon''': I don't know if you're colour-blind or you've got a problem with your fucking contact lenses, that is blood. Look, it's blood! They want it medium, it's still fucking rare! ''[pounds the counter]'' :'''Sara''': Yes, chef! :'''Gordon''': There's blood everywhere! We still haven't sent an entrée from the red team. :'''Sara''': Yes, chef. :'''Gordon''': (to Jean-Philippe at the pass) Take the lamb off the menu. Stop it! I don't give a flying FUCK! (to Sara) You! Don't DARE cook any more lamb: Jean-Philippe has taken so much flak on the back of your inconsistency! :'''Sara''': Hmm. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gordon''': If you're going to grill a salmon Sara, you don't tie it and fucking stuff it together. That is the third dish from the red team that is totally impractical. Can we just cut the salmon into a slice without fucking around? :'''Sara''': Yeah. Consistency? :'''Gordon''': Don't fucking dare! Don't fucking dare!! Missy, missy, come here you fat mouthed little stupid bitch! :'''Sara''': Yes, chef? :'''Gordon''': You're pissing around with something that's not working! Has that fucking clicked? :'''Sara''': Yes, chef. :'''Gordon''': '''IT'S FUCKING RARE!!''' Just stop! ''[calls the blue team who have just completed their service]'' Blue team, come here! All of you! I'm so fucking determined to have a successful completed service. I've got 11 tables waiting for main courses from the red team! You (the blue team) get on the sections and work together! :'''Sara''': Thank you, chef. :'''Gordon''': I personally don't want to stick around for pretty more shit. ''[exits the kitchen in disgust]'' A fucking embarrassment. === Episode Seven [2.07] === :'''Heather''': You've got to watch your scallops. :'''Sara''': Thank you, Heather. I've got it. :'''Gordon''': Missy. :'''Sara''': Yes, chef? :'''Gordon''': If you sauté scallops in a non-stick pan, they won't stick. That's why it's called '''FUCKING NON-STICK!!!''' ''[Gordon's voice goes falsetto on the "STICK"]'' I don't know what non-stick means in Texas, sweetheart, but fuck me! :'''Sara''': Yes, chef! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Hoping to satisfy Chef Ramsay, Garrett rushes his chicken to the pass. :'''Gordon''': Garrett, the chicken is raw! :'''Garrett''': Yes, chef. :'''Gordon''': You're going to kill someone! :'''Narrator''': Garrett has just brought a dish to the pass that is not only inedible but downright dangerous. :'''Gordon''': You knew it's raw! :'''Garrett''': I'm doing it because it's faster chef. It's the only reason. :'''Gordon''': Faster?! You've always got a fucking answer for everything! :'''Garrett''': I'm just trying to-- :'''Gordon''': '''SHUT IT! YOU SHOULDN'T BE IN WHITE!!''' <hr width="50%"/> ''[a woman comes up to the hotplate demanding for food]'' :'''Lady''': Excuse me, Mr. Ramsay. :'''Gordon''': Yeah, just wait I'll be thirty seconds right now. :'''Lady''': Uh... Excuse me. :'''Gordon''': I just asked for thirty seconds, will you just be so kind, I'm in the middle of serving a table. Service! :'''Lady''': How long do you think it might be? :'''Gordon''': Would you mind taking your breasts off my hotplate? Look at that. How will I serve food with those fucking things there? :''[the disgruntled customer flips a plate full of food on the tray and storms off]'' :'''Gordon''': Security, please! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gordon''': (to Sara) Missy, how many scallops are you serving per portion? :'''Sara''': Five each. :'''Gordon''': Are they small, big or massive? :'''Sara''': They're medium. :'''Gordon''': They're medium? Missy, ''[in a fast tone; gives her a towel]'' clean your fucking glasses, I'll ask you quickly, yeah? Yeah, let's do it this way. '''CLEAN YOUR FUCKING GLASSES!!''' :'''Sara''': Alright, chef. ''[wipes her glasses]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gordon''': Carrots! :'''Garrett''': Yes, chef! :'''Gordon''': "Carrots" I said, not "Garrett". <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gordon''': Virginia, what are you doing? :'''Virginia''': I'm plating, I'm getting the tortellini, chef. :'''Gordon''': There's not a tortellini on the order. :'''Virginia''': But there's tortellini, chef. :'''Gordon''': Listen, you stupid fucking fat-mouth bitch! Bring me your ticket here, bring it here! And read it out-- Come here! :'''Virginia''': You're right, chef. :'''Gordon''': Now, will you fucking '''SHUT UP!''' ''[throws the ticket at the counter]'' YOU JUST TALK CRAP! ''[repeatedly pounds the counter]'' FUCK, FUCK, FUCK! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gordon''': Where's that Belgian? :'''Jean-Philippe''': I would like to sit around with you, and stay with you, but I can't. ''[backs to the pass]'' Chef! :'''Gordon''': What are you trying to do, lose your virginity? ''[Jean-Philippe takes a look at Gordon, then returns to his station]'' === Episode Eight [2.08] === :'''Gordon''': Let's go, three salmon, one turbot. :'''Sara''': Heather? :'''Heather''': What? :'''Sara''': Is there any salmon left in the house? :'''Gordon''': What's going on? What's going on? :'''Sara''': Chef, I-- :'''Gordon''': What? Come here you! Tell me! I'm the fucking chef!! :'''Sara''': Yes, chef. I don't have enough salmon to get through the night. :'''Gordon''': You're not serious, are you? :'''Sara''': I am serious chef. :'''Gordon''': Hey, I'd fuck off and go and buy some if I were you. :'''Sara''': May I substitute using turbot? :'''Gordon''': Why don't you check with the maître d'? Can we serve turbot in place of the salmon? :'''Jean-Phillippe''': On which table? :'''Gordon''': Table 20. Please? Thank you. (to Sara) Hey, you, fuck off, will you? You useless cow. :'''Sara''': Turbot's in here. Sorry chef. :'''Gordon''': You know missy, you're finished aren't you? :'''Sara''': No, chef, come on! :'''Gordon''': Hey, what do you mean come on? I want you to come on! I want you to wake up! :'''Sara''': Chef, I told you and they're resolving it now and all I can do is give you the turbot. I have the salmon in the fridge and there's only 2! :'''Gordon''': That's right! And whose fucking fault was it?! Don't get fucking upset with me in my fucking kitchen when you're standing there sulking because you fucked the salmon! :'''Sara''': I'm not sulking chef. :'''Gordon''': Yeah, you're finished. Heather, get on the fish please and do something for her yeah? :'''Sara''': No, chef. :'''Gordon''': So wake up and get it back together! :'''Sara''': I don't need to be replaced chef! :'''Gordon''': Then tell her then. :'''Sara''': I don't need to be replaced. :'''Gordon''': There you go. :'''Sara''': (interview) I screwed up one fucking table with one fucking salmon. I wasn't beat. Don't get up all about my crotch about shit. <hr width=50%> ''[Virginia and Sara are nominated for elimination.]'' :'''Gordon''': Virginia, you won the challenge. I guaranteed you a place in the final three. If you want to go, that is your choice. If you decide to stay, I'll send Sara home. :'''Virginia''': I understand what you're telling me that I want to be in the final three because I deserve to be in the final three, not because you're a man of your word. Not because of a friggin challenge. I want to be there because I deserve to be. :'''Gordon''': I can't help you anymore. This is entirely your decision. :'''Sara''': Can I ask a question chef? :'''Gordon''': Shut the fuck up for 30 seconds. === Episode Nine [2.09] === :''[Virginia and Keith are nominated for elimination while Heather is advancing to the final round.]'' :'''Gordon''': This...is quite possibly the toughest decision I've had to make. The person leaving Hell's Kitchen tonight and will not be advancing to the final two is........ Keith. What I am looking for is a leader. And personally big boy, you're not ready. Give me your jacket. :'''Keith''': ''[gives Gordon his jacket]'' So you're saying that Virginia's a better leader than me? I've been leading the whole time. Whatever station you told me, through the line with people that didn't know anything. :'''Gordon''': I personally don't think you're ready to lead. :'''Keith''': I personally think that you have a hard-on for Virginia. :'''Gordon''': Why did you have to be so fucking rude? :'''Keith''': Because you're rude to me all the time. :'''Gordon''': So? Now I definitely know I've made the right decision. So your attitude does stink. === Episode Ten [2.10] (Two Hour Finale) === [[Category:Hell's Kitchen seasons]] exdhkdn99h2jobyum5k6jq6ol564acg 0 135477 3152982 3077668 2022-08-09T19:28:50Z 2604:2D80:520F:8D00:9D07:20B0:3D1E:A663 /* Dialogue */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{film-cleanup|2015-09-18}} {{italic title}} '''''[[w:The Muppet Christmas Carol|The Muppet Christmas Carol]]''''' is a 1992 [[w:musical film|musical]] [[w:comedy film|comedy]] [[w:film adaptation|film adaptation]] of [[Charles Dickens]]' ''[[A Christmas Carol]]'', starring [[w:Michael Caine|Michael Caine]] as [[w:Ebenezer Scrooge|Ebenezer Scrooge]], directed by [[w:Brian Henson|Brian Henson]], produced by [[w:Jim Henson Productions|Jim Henson Productions]], and released by [[w:Walt Disney Pictures|Walt Disney Pictures]]. It is the fourth of a series of [[w:live-action|live action]] [[w:musical film|musical]] [[w:feature films|feature films]] starring [[w:The Muppets|The Muppets]], and the first produced after the sudden death of Muppets creator [[Jim Henson]] and fellow puppeteer [[w:Richard Hunt (puppeteer)|Richard Hunt]]. Although it is a comedic remake with contemporary songs, it otherwise follows Dickens' original story closely. The film was dedicated to the memory of [[Jim Henson]] and [[w:Richard Hunt (puppeteer)|Richard Hunt]], two original Muppet performers, who died before the film's release. The movie follows as Rizzo the rat does not know the spirit of Christmas however his friends the past the present and the future who are disguised by the Muppets, teach Rizzo how to live the life of Christmas. ==Dialogue== :'''Gonzo''': Hello! Welcome to the Muppet Christmas Carol! I am here to tell the story. :'''Rizzo the Rat''': And I am here for the food. <hr width=50%> :'''Gonzo''': ''[narrating as "Mr. Dickens"]'' Night was falling, and the lamplighters were plying their trade. And by the way I don't think I never see Scrooge act like- ''[accidentally lights Rizzo's tail]'' :'''Rizzo the Rat''': Hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, light the lamp, not the rat, LIGHT THE LAMP, NOT THE RAT! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! PUT ME OUT! :'''Gonzo''': Oh! My apologies! Um... ''[suddenly spotting a barrel of water below the lamp post]'' Rizzo! :'''Rizzo the Rat''': WHAT?! :''["Mr. Dickens" pushes Rizzo so he falls into the water barrel]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Scrooge''': One might say that December is the foreclosure season. Harvest time for the money lenders. :'''Bob Cratchet''': If you please, Mr. Scrooge, it's gotten colder. And the bookkeeping staff would like to have an extra shovel-full of coal for the fire. :'''Bookkeeper 1''': We can't do the bookkeeping. :'''Bookkeeper 1''': All of our pens have turned to inkcicles! :'''Bookkeeper 3''': Our assets are frozen! :'''Scrooge''': And how would the bookkeepers like to be suddenly... UNEMPLOYED?! :'''Bookkeepers''': HEAT WAVE! [''Singing''] This the island in the sun... :''' Scrooge''': quit on singing! ''[grabs a stick and starts whipping the bookkeepers]'' STOP! '''[he begins whipping them again]'' STOP! ''[while Scrooge whips the bookkeepers, Gonzo comes into Scrooge's workplace with a frozen Rizzo and he cracks the ice on a barrel]'' :'''Rizzo''': ''[panting]'' oh great. That was freezing cold in there! I was drowning and I was like "please swim rizzo please swim"!, and then I turned into an ice cube like geez can you give this rat a break?! :'''Gonzo''': be quiet Rizzo! I can't focus in here while there's all of the yelping and shouting and arguing. :'''Rizzo''': oh yeah yeah I got the point. Never give this rat a break when you're just GRUMPY AND SAY BAH HUMBUG ON CHRISTMAS DAY!!!!! <hr width=50%> :'''Bob Cratchet''': Excuse me, Mr. Scrooge, but it appears to be closing time. :'''Ebenezer Scrooge''': Very well. I'll see you at 8 tomorrow morning. :'''Bob Cratchet''': Um, tomorrow's Christmas. :'''Ebenezer Scrooge''': 8:30, then. :'''Bob Cratchet''': If you please, sir, half an hour off hardly seems customary for Christmas Day. :'''Ebenezer Scrooge''': And how much time is customary, Mr. Cratchet? :'''Bob Cratchet''': Well, the, uh, whole day. :'''Ebenezer Scrooge''': The entire day? :'''Bob Cratchet''': If you please, Mr. Scrooge, why open the business tomorrow? Other business will be closed; you'll have no one to do business with. It'll waste a lot of expensive coal for the fire. :'''Ebenezer Scrooge''': It's a poor excuse for picking a man's pocket every December the 25th. But as I seem to be the only one around who knows that... take the day off. <hr width=50%> :'''Ghost of Christmas Past''': Let us see another Christmas in this place. :'''Ebenezer Scrooge''': They were all very much the same. Nothing ever changed. :'''Ghost of Christmas Past''': You changed. <hr width=50%> :'''Fozziwig''': At this time in the proceedings, it is a tradition for me to make a little speech. :'''Jacob Marley''': And it's a tradition for us to take a little nap! <hr width=50%> :'''Fozziwig''': At this time in the proceedings, it is a tradition for me to make a little speech. :'''Jacob Marley''': And it's a tradition for us to take a little nap! :'''Fozziwig''': Oh, pay no attention to them. My speech! Here's my Christmas speech. Ahem. "Thank you all, and Merry Christmas." :'''Jacob Marley''': ''That'' was the speech? :'''Robert Marley''': It was dumb! :'''Jacob Marley''': It was obvious! :'''Robert Marley''': It was pointless! :'''Jacob Marley''': It was... short! :''[turns to Robert]'' :'''Jacob ''' and ''' Robert Marley''': I loved it! ==Cast== * [[w:Michael Caine|Michael Caine]] - Mr. Ebenezer Scrooge * [[w:Jessica Fox|Jessica Fox]] voices the Ghost of Christmas Past * [[w:Steven Mackintosh|Steven Mackintosh]] - Fred * [[w:Meredith Braun|Meredith Braun]] - Belle * [[w:Robin Weaver|Robin Weaver]] - Clara * [[w:David Shaw Parker|David Shaw Parker]] voices Old Joe ===Performers=== * '''[[w:Dave Goelz|Dave Goelz]]''' as: ** [[w:The Great Gonzo|The Great Gonzo]] as [[Charles Dickens]] ** [[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]] as Robert Marley ** [[w:Bunsen Honeydew|Dr. Bunsen Honeydew]] as Himself ** [[w:Bettina Cratchit|Bettina Cratchit]] as Herself ** [[w:Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem#Zoot|Zoot]] as Himself * '''[[w:Steve Whitmire|Steve Whitmire]]''' as: ** [[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]] as Bob Cratchit ** [[w:Rizzo the Rat|Rizzo the Rat]] as Himself ** [[w:Beaker (Muppet)|Beaker]] as Himself ** [[w:Bean Bunny|Bean Bunny]] as Himself ** [[w:Belinda Cratchit|Belinda Cratchit]] ** [[w:Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem#Lips|Lips]] as Himself ** [[w:Dressed Dog|Dressed Dog]] (looks like Sprocket the Dog) as Himself * '''[[w:Jerry Nelson|Jerry Nelson]]''' as: ** [[w:Robin (Muppet)|Robin the Frog]] as Tiny Tim Cratchit ** [[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]] as Jacob Marley ** [[w:Ma Bear|Ma Bear]] as Herself ** [[w:Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem#Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]] as Himself ** [[w:Lew Zealand|Lew Zealand]] as Himself ** Voice of [[w:Ghost of Christmas Present|Ghost of Christmas Present]] ** [[w:Mr. Applegate|Mr. Applegate]] * '''[[w:Frank Oz|Frank Oz]]''' as: ** [[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]] as Emily Cratchit ** [[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]] as Fozziwig ** [[w:Sam the Eagle|Sam the Eagle]] as the Schoolmaster ** [[w:Animal (Muppet)|Animal]] as Himself * '''[[w:David Rudman|David Rudman]]''' as: ** [[w:Peter Cratchit|Peter Cratchit]] ** [[w:Swedish Chef|The Swedish Chef]] as Himself ==External links== *{{wikipedia-inline}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Muppet Christmas Carol}} [[Category:1992 films|Muppet Christmas Carol]] [[Category:American films|Muppet Christmas Carol]] [[Category:Musical comedy films|Muppet Christmas Carol]] [[Category:Christmas films|Muppet Christmas Carol]] [[Category:Films based on works by Charles Dickens]] [[Category:The Muppets films|Muppet Christmas Carol]] [[Category:Children's comedy films|Muppet Christmas Carol]] [[Category:Musical films]] 84xpivmmyamg0x3vhu6mjos2e5vaazr 3152990 3152982 2022-08-09T19:59:26Z 2604:2D80:520F:8D00:9D07:20B0:3D1E:A663 /* Dialogue */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{film-cleanup|2015-09-18}} {{italic title}} '''''[[w:The Muppet Christmas Carol|The Muppet Christmas Carol]]''''' is a 1992 [[w:musical film|musical]] [[w:comedy film|comedy]] [[w:film adaptation|film adaptation]] of [[Charles Dickens]]' ''[[A Christmas Carol]]'', starring [[w:Michael Caine|Michael Caine]] as [[w:Ebenezer Scrooge|Ebenezer Scrooge]], directed by [[w:Brian Henson|Brian Henson]], produced by [[w:Jim Henson Productions|Jim Henson Productions]], and released by [[w:Walt Disney Pictures|Walt Disney Pictures]]. It is the fourth of a series of [[w:live-action|live action]] [[w:musical film|musical]] [[w:feature films|feature films]] starring [[w:The Muppets|The Muppets]], and the first produced after the sudden death of Muppets creator [[Jim Henson]] and fellow puppeteer [[w:Richard Hunt (puppeteer)|Richard Hunt]]. Although it is a comedic remake with contemporary songs, it otherwise follows Dickens' original story closely. The film was dedicated to the memory of [[Jim Henson]] and [[w:Richard Hunt (puppeteer)|Richard Hunt]], two original Muppet performers, who died before the film's release. The movie follows as Rizzo the rat does not know the spirit of Christmas however his friends the past the present and the future who are disguised by the Muppets, teach Rizzo how to live the life of Christmas. ==Dialogue== :'''Gonzo''': Hello! Welcome to the Muppet Christmas Carol! I am here to tell the story. :'''Rizzo the Rat''': And I am here for the food. <hr width=50%> :'''Gonzo''': ''[narrating as "Mr. Dickens"]'' Night was falling, and the lamplighters were plying their trade. And by the way I don't think I never see Scrooge act like- ''[accidentally lights Rizzo's tail]'' :'''Rizzo the Rat''': Hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, light the lamp, not the rat, LIGHT THE LAMP, NOT THE RAT! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! PUT ME OUT! :'''Gonzo''': Oh! My apologies! Um... ''[suddenly spotting a barrel of water below the lamp post]'' Rizzo! :'''Rizzo the Rat''': WHAT?! :''["Mr. Dickens" pushes Rizzo so he falls into the water barrel]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Scrooge''': One might say that December is the foreclosure season. Harvest time for the money lenders. :'''Bob Cratchet''': If you please, Mr. Scrooge, it's gotten colder. And the bookkeeping staff would like to have an extra shovel-full of coal for the fire. :'''Bookkeeper 1''': We can't do the bookkeeping. :'''Bookkeeper 1''': All of our pens have turned to inkcicles! :'''Bookkeeper 3''': Our assets are frozen! :'''Scrooge''': And how would the bookkeepers like to be suddenly... UNEMPLOYED?! :'''Bookkeepers''': HEAT WAVE! [''Singing''] This the island in the sun... :''' Scrooge''': quit on singing! ''[grabs a stick and starts whipping the bookkeepers]'' STOP! '''[he begins whipping them again]'' STOP! ''[while Scrooge whips the bookkeepers, Gonzo comes into Scrooge's workplace with a frozen Rizzo and he cracks the ice on a barrel]'' :'''Rizzo''': ''[panting]'' oh great. That was freezing cold in there! I was drowning and I was like "please swim rizzo please swim"!, and then I turned into an ice cube like geez can you give this rat a break?! :'''Gonzo''': be quiet Rizzo! I can't focus in here while there's all of the yelping and shouting and arguing. :'''Rizzo''': oh yeah yeah I got the point. Never give this rat a break when you're just GRUMPY AND SAY BAH HUMBUG ON CHRISTMAS DAY!!!!! <hr width=50%> :'''Bob Cratchet''': Excuse me, Mr. Scrooge, but it appears to be closing time. :'''Ebenezer Scrooge''': Very well. I'll see you at 8 tomorrow morning. :'''Bob Cratchet''': Um, tomorrow's Christmas. :'''Ebenezer Scrooge''': 8:30, then. :'''Bob Cratchet''': If you please, sir, half an hour off hardly seems customary for Christmas Day. :'''Ebenezer Scrooge''': And how much time is customary, Mr. Cratchet? :'''Bob Cratchet''': Well, the, uh, whole day. :'''Ebenezer Scrooge''': The entire day? :'''Bob Cratchet''': If you please, Mr. Scrooge, why open the business tomorrow? Other business will be closed; you'll have no one to do business with. It'll waste a lot of expensive coal for the fire. :'''Ebenezer Scrooge''': It's a poor excuse for picking a man's pocket every December the 25th. But as I seem to be the only one around who knows that... take the day off. <hr width=50%> :'''Ghost of Christmas Past''': Let us see another Christmas in this place. :'''Ebenezer Scrooge''': They were all very much the same. Nothing ever changed. :'''Ghost of Christmas Past''': You changed. <hr width=50%> :'''Fozziwig''': At this time in the proceedings, it is a tradition for me to make a little speech. :'''Jacob Marley''': And it's a tradition for us to take a little nap! <hr width=50%> :'''Pepezziwig''': At this time in the proceedings, it is a tradition for me to make a little speech. :'''Jacob Marley''': And it's a tradition for us to take a little nap! :'''Pepezziwig''': Oh, pay no attention to them. My speech! Here's my Christmas speech. Ahem. "Thank you all, and Merry Christmas." :'''Jacob Marley''': ''That'' was the speech? :'''Robert Marley''': It was dumb! :'''Jacob Marley''': It was obvious! :'''Robert Marley''': It was pointless! :'''Jacob Marley''': It was... short! :''[turns to Robert]'' :'''Jacob ''' and ''' Robert Marley''': I loved it! ''[Fozzy shows Scrooge Tiny Tim's grave]'' :'''Scrooge''': no it can't be! Tell me these moments can yet be changed! :'''Fozzy''': you left Kermit with nothing at all! :'''Scrooge''': I didn't mean to make them poor. I just wanted to be happy[ to be rich... and all of the memories that he had with Tiny Tim! Please tell me that I might change! ''[Fozzy doesn't listen and they watch The Muppets mourn]'' :'''Kermit''': goodbye Tiny Tim. :'''Gonzo''': whatever you are, I will miss you. :'''Piggy''': ''[crying]'' who always ate his supper, I will miss you. :'''Jacob and Robert Marley''': whoever hugged us and gave us smooches, we will miss you forevermore. :'''Scrooge''': please! please! please! I am so sorry Kermit! I never knew that Tiny Tim died and he was a good son! I will change my ways and never be greedy for gold! Please spirit! I will change! I will change! I will change! :'''Fozzy''': ''[grabs Scrooge's hand and they fly off to another grave]'' This is your doom. :'''Scrooge''': is this my grave? ''[:'''Fozzy''': yep that is your grave]'' NOOO!! THIS CAN'T BE TRUE!!! I DON'T WANNA DIE!!! I WILL CHANGE MY WAYS!!!! ''[Fozzy pushes him into the grave prompting him to hang onto a tree root]'' HELP!!! NO! NO! NO! ''[the coffin opens the fires to hell]'' NO!!! NO NOOO!!! PLEASE!! LET ME OUT!! GET ME OUT!!! ''[Scrooge attempts to climb out of the grave, but the tree root snaps and Scrooge plummets into the coffin]'' HELP! I WILL CHANGE!!!! ''[Just then Scrooge opens his eyes finding himself back in his own bedroom]'' ''[last lines]'' :'''Gonzo''': I guess that's the story how Scrooge became a good man. :'''Rizzo''': I love it! ==Cast== * [[w:Michael Caine|Michael Caine]] - Mr. Ebenezer Scrooge * [[w:Jessica Fox|Jessica Fox]] voices the Ghost of Christmas Past * [[w:Steven Mackintosh|Steven Mackintosh]] - Fred * [[w:Meredith Braun|Meredith Braun]] - Belle * [[w:Robin Weaver|Robin Weaver]] - Clara * [[w:David Shaw Parker|David Shaw Parker]] voices Old Joe ===Performers=== * '''[[w:Dave Goelz|Dave Goelz]]''' as: ** [[w:The Great Gonzo|The Great Gonzo]] as [[Charles Dickens]] ** [[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]] as Robert Marley ** [[w:Bunsen Honeydew|Dr. Bunsen Honeydew]] as Himself ** [[w:Bettina Cratchit|Bettina Cratchit]] as Herself ** [[w:Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem#Zoot|Zoot]] as Himself * '''[[w:Steve Whitmire|Steve Whitmire]]''' as: ** [[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]] as Bob Cratchit ** [[w:Rizzo the Rat|Rizzo the Rat]] as Himself ** [[w:Beaker (Muppet)|Beaker]] as Himself ** [[w:Bean Bunny|Bean Bunny]] as Himself ** [[w:Belinda Cratchit|Belinda Cratchit]] ** [[w:Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem#Lips|Lips]] as Himself ** [[w:Dressed Dog|Dressed Dog]] (looks like Sprocket the Dog) as Himself * '''[[w:Jerry Nelson|Jerry Nelson]]''' as: ** [[w:Robin (Muppet)|Robin the Frog]] as Tiny Tim Cratchit ** [[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]] as Jacob Marley ** [[w:Ma Bear|Ma Bear]] as Herself ** [[w:Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem#Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]] as Himself ** [[w:Lew Zealand|Lew Zealand]] as Himself ** Voice of [[w:Ghost of Christmas Present|Ghost of Christmas Present]] ** [[w:Mr. Applegate|Mr. Applegate]] * '''[[w:Frank Oz|Frank Oz]]''' as: ** [[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]] as Emily Cratchit ** [[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]] as Fozziwig ** [[w:Sam the Eagle|Sam the Eagle]] as the Schoolmaster ** [[w:Animal (Muppet)|Animal]] as Himself * '''[[w:David Rudman|David Rudman]]''' as: ** [[w:Peter Cratchit|Peter Cratchit]] ** [[w:Swedish Chef|The Swedish Chef]] as Himself ==External links== *{{wikipedia-inline}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Muppet Christmas Carol}} [[Category:1992 films|Muppet Christmas Carol]] [[Category:American films|Muppet Christmas Carol]] [[Category:Musical comedy films|Muppet Christmas Carol]] [[Category:Christmas films|Muppet Christmas Carol]] [[Category:Films based on works by Charles Dickens]] [[Category:The Muppets films|Muppet Christmas Carol]] [[Category:Children's comedy films|Muppet Christmas Carol]] [[Category:Musical films]] r3amnvhllhynil4c3n8f54jmcm6m5we 3152993 3152990 2022-08-09T20:06:04Z FlyingAce 2997119 Reverted edit by [[User:2604:2D80:520F:8D00:9D07:20B0:3D1E:A663|2604:2D80:520F:8D00:9D07:20B0:3D1E:A663]] ([[User talk:2604:2D80:520F:8D00:9D07:20B0:3D1E:A663|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/2604:2D80:520F:8D00:9D07:20B0:3D1E:A663|contributions]]) to last version by DawgDeputy wikitext text/x-wiki {{film-cleanup|2015-09-18}} {{italic title}} '''''[[w:The Muppet Christmas Carol|The Muppet Christmas Carol]]''''' is a 1992 [[w:musical film|musical]] [[w:comedy film|comedy]] [[w:film adaptation|film adaptation]] of [[Charles Dickens]]' ''[[A Christmas Carol]]'', starring [[w:Michael Caine|Michael Caine]] as [[w:Ebenezer Scrooge|Ebenezer Scrooge]], directed by [[w:Brian Henson|Brian Henson]], produced by [[w:Jim Henson Productions|Jim Henson Productions]], and released by [[w:Walt Disney Pictures|Walt Disney Pictures]]. It is the fourth of a series of [[w:live-action|live action]] [[w:musical film|musical]] [[w:feature films|feature films]] starring [[w:The Muppets|The Muppets]], and the first produced after the sudden death of Muppets creator [[Jim Henson]] and fellow puppeteer [[w:Richard Hunt (puppeteer)|Richard Hunt]]. Although it is a comedic remake with contemporary songs, it otherwise follows Dickens' original story closely. The film was dedicated to the memory of [[Jim Henson]] and [[w:Richard Hunt (puppeteer)|Richard Hunt]], two original Muppet performers, who died before the film's release. The movie follows as Rizzo the rat does not know the spirit of Christmas however his friends the past the present and the future who are disguised by the Muppets, teach Rizzo how to live the life of Christmas. ==Dialogue== :'''Gonzo''': Hello! Welcome to the Muppet Christmas Carol! I am here to tell the story. :'''Rizzo the Rat''': And I am here for the food. <hr width=50%> :'''Gonzo''': ''[narrating as "Mr. Dickens"]'' Night was falling, and the lamplighters were plying their trade. ''[accidentally lights Rizzo's tail]'' :'''Rizzo the Rat''': Hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, light the lamp, not the rat, LIGHT THE LAMP, NOT THE RAT! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! PUT ME OUT! :'''Gonzo''': Oh! My apologies! Um... ''[suddenly spotting a barrel of water below the lamp post]'' Rizzo! :'''Rizzo the Rat''': WHAT?! :''["Mr. Dickens" pushes Rizzo so he falls into the water barrel]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Scrooge''': One might say that December is the foreclosure season. Harvest time for the money lenders. :'''Bob Cratchet''': If you please, Mr. Scrooge, it's gotten colder. And the bookkeeping staff would like to have an extra shovel-full of coal for the fire. :'''Bookkeeper 1''': We can't do the bookkeeping. :'''Bookkeeper 1''': All of our pens have turned to inkcicles! :'''Bookkeeper 3''': Our assets are frozen! :'''Scrooge''': And how would the bookkeepers like to be suddenly... UNEMPLOYED?! :'''Bookkeepers''': HEAT WAVE! [''Singing''] This the island in the sun... <hr width=50%> :'''Bob Cratchet''': Excuse me, Mr. Scrooge, but it appears to be closing time. :'''Ebenezer Scrooge''': Very well. I'll see you at 8 tomorrow morning. :'''Bob Cratchet''': Um, tomorrow's Christmas. :'''Ebenezer Scrooge''': 8:30, then. :'''Bob Cratchet''': If you please, sir, half an hour off hardly seems customary for Christmas Day. :'''Ebenezer Scrooge''': And how much time is customary, Mr. Cratchet? :'''Bob Cratchet''': Well, the, uh, whole day. :'''Ebenezer Scrooge''': The entire day? :'''Bob Cratchet''': If you please, Mr. Scrooge, why open the business tomorrow? Other business will be closed; you'll have no one to do business with. It'll waste a lot of expensive coal for the fire. :'''Ebenezer Scrooge''': It's a poor excuse for picking a man's pocket every December the 25th. But as I seem to be the only one around who knows that... take the day off. <hr width=50%> :'''Ghost of Christmas Past''': Let us see another Christmas in this place. :'''Ebenezer Scrooge''': They were all very much the same. Nothing ever changed. :'''Ghost of Christmas Past''': You changed. <hr width=50%> :'''Fozziwig''': At this time in the proceedings, it is a tradition for me to make a little speech. :'''Jacob Marley''': And it's a tradition for us to take a little nap! <hr width=50%> :'''Fozziwig''': At this time in the proceedings, it is a tradition for me to make a little speech. :'''Jacob Marley''': And it's a tradition for us to take a little nap! :'''Fozziwig''': Oh, pay no attention to them. My speech! Here's my Christmas speech. Ahem. "Thank you all, and Merry Christmas." :'''Jacob Marley''': ''That'' was the speech? :'''Robert Marley''': It was dumb! :'''Jacob Marley''': It was obvious! :'''Robert Marley''': It was pointless! :'''Jacob Marley''': It was... short! :''[turns to Robert]'' :'''Jacob ''' and ''' Robert Marley''': I loved it! ==Cast== * [[w:Michael Caine|Michael Caine]] - Mr. Ebenezer Scrooge * [[w:Jessica Fox|Jessica Fox]] voices the Ghost of Christmas Past * [[w:Steven Mackintosh|Steven Mackintosh]] - Fred * [[w:Meredith Braun|Meredith Braun]] - Belle * [[w:Robin Weaver|Robin Weaver]] - Clara * [[w:David Shaw Parker|David Shaw Parker]] voices Old Joe ===Performers=== * '''[[w:Dave Goelz|Dave Goelz]]''' as: ** [[w:The Great Gonzo|The Great Gonzo]] as [[Charles Dickens]] ** [[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]] as Robert Marley ** [[w:Bunsen Honeydew|Dr. Bunsen Honeydew]] as Himself ** [[w:Bettina Cratchit|Bettina Cratchit]] as Herself ** [[w:Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem#Zoot|Zoot]] as Himself * '''[[w:Steve Whitmire|Steve Whitmire]]''' as: ** [[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]] as Bob Cratchit ** [[w:Rizzo the Rat|Rizzo the Rat]] as Himself ** [[w:Beaker (Muppet)|Beaker]] as Himself ** [[w:Bean Bunny|Bean Bunny]] as Himself ** [[w:Belinda Cratchit|Belinda Cratchit]] ** [[w:Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem#Lips|Lips]] as Himself ** [[w:Dressed Dog|Dressed Dog]] (looks like Sprocket the Dog) as Himself * '''[[w:Jerry Nelson|Jerry Nelson]]''' as: ** [[w:Robin (Muppet)|Robin the Frog]] as Tiny Tim Cratchit ** [[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]] as Jacob Marley ** [[w:Ma Bear|Ma Bear]] as Herself ** [[w:Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem#Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]] as Himself ** [[w:Lew Zealand|Lew Zealand]] as Himself ** Voice of [[w:Ghost of Christmas Present|Ghost of Christmas Present]] ** [[w:Mr. Applegate|Mr. Applegate]] * '''[[w:Frank Oz|Frank Oz]]''' as: ** [[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]] as Emily Cratchit ** [[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]] as Fozziwig ** [[w:Sam the Eagle|Sam the Eagle]] as the Schoolmaster ** [[w:Animal (Muppet)|Animal]] as Himself * '''[[w:David Rudman|David Rudman]]''' as: ** [[w:Peter Cratchit|Peter Cratchit]] ** [[w:Swedish Chef|The Swedish Chef]] as Himself ==External links== *{{wikipedia-inline}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Muppet Christmas Carol}} [[Category:1992 films|Muppet Christmas Carol]] [[Category:American films|Muppet Christmas Carol]] [[Category:Musical comedy films|Muppet Christmas Carol]] [[Category:Christmas films|Muppet Christmas Carol]] [[Category:Films based on works by Charles Dickens]] [[Category:The Muppets films|Muppet Christmas Carol]] [[Category:Children's comedy films|Muppet Christmas Carol]] [[Category:Musical films]] q442wz3zn437n7p20t5dbvc53t4h0eq 3152994 3152993 2022-08-09T20:06:29Z FlyingAce 2997119 Reverted edit by [[User:FlyingAce|FlyingAce]] ([[User talk:FlyingAce|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/FlyingAce|contributions]]) to last version by 2604:2D80:520F:8D00:9D07:20B0:3D1E:A663 wikitext text/x-wiki {{film-cleanup|2015-09-18}} {{italic title}} '''''[[w:The Muppet Christmas Carol|The Muppet Christmas Carol]]''''' is a 1992 [[w:musical film|musical]] [[w:comedy film|comedy]] [[w:film adaptation|film adaptation]] of [[Charles Dickens]]' ''[[A Christmas Carol]]'', starring [[w:Michael Caine|Michael Caine]] as [[w:Ebenezer Scrooge|Ebenezer Scrooge]], directed by [[w:Brian Henson|Brian Henson]], produced by [[w:Jim Henson Productions|Jim Henson Productions]], and released by [[w:Walt Disney Pictures|Walt Disney Pictures]]. It is the fourth of a series of [[w:live-action|live action]] [[w:musical film|musical]] [[w:feature films|feature films]] starring [[w:The Muppets|The Muppets]], and the first produced after the sudden death of Muppets creator [[Jim Henson]] and fellow puppeteer [[w:Richard Hunt (puppeteer)|Richard Hunt]]. Although it is a comedic remake with contemporary songs, it otherwise follows Dickens' original story closely. The film was dedicated to the memory of [[Jim Henson]] and [[w:Richard Hunt (puppeteer)|Richard Hunt]], two original Muppet performers, who died before the film's release. The movie follows as Rizzo the rat does not know the spirit of Christmas however his friends the past the present and the future who are disguised by the Muppets, teach Rizzo how to live the life of Christmas. ==Dialogue== :'''Gonzo''': Hello! Welcome to the Muppet Christmas Carol! I am here to tell the story. :'''Rizzo the Rat''': And I am here for the food. <hr width=50%> :'''Gonzo''': ''[narrating as "Mr. Dickens"]'' Night was falling, and the lamplighters were plying their trade. And by the way I don't think I never see Scrooge act like- ''[accidentally lights Rizzo's tail]'' :'''Rizzo the Rat''': Hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, light the lamp, not the rat, LIGHT THE LAMP, NOT THE RAT! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! PUT ME OUT! :'''Gonzo''': Oh! My apologies! Um... ''[suddenly spotting a barrel of water below the lamp post]'' Rizzo! :'''Rizzo the Rat''': WHAT?! :''["Mr. Dickens" pushes Rizzo so he falls into the water barrel]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Scrooge''': One might say that December is the foreclosure season. Harvest time for the money lenders. :'''Bob Cratchet''': If you please, Mr. Scrooge, it's gotten colder. And the bookkeeping staff would like to have an extra shovel-full of coal for the fire. :'''Bookkeeper 1''': We can't do the bookkeeping. :'''Bookkeeper 1''': All of our pens have turned to inkcicles! :'''Bookkeeper 3''': Our assets are frozen! :'''Scrooge''': And how would the bookkeepers like to be suddenly... UNEMPLOYED?! :'''Bookkeepers''': HEAT WAVE! [''Singing''] This the island in the sun... :''' Scrooge''': quit on singing! ''[grabs a stick and starts whipping the bookkeepers]'' STOP! '''[he begins whipping them again]'' STOP! ''[while Scrooge whips the bookkeepers, Gonzo comes into Scrooge's workplace with a frozen Rizzo and he cracks the ice on a barrel]'' :'''Rizzo''': ''[panting]'' oh great. That was freezing cold in there! I was drowning and I was like "please swim rizzo please swim"!, and then I turned into an ice cube like geez can you give this rat a break?! :'''Gonzo''': be quiet Rizzo! I can't focus in here while there's all of the yelping and shouting and arguing. :'''Rizzo''': oh yeah yeah I got the point. Never give this rat a break when you're just GRUMPY AND SAY BAH HUMBUG ON CHRISTMAS DAY!!!!! <hr width=50%> :'''Bob Cratchet''': Excuse me, Mr. Scrooge, but it appears to be closing time. :'''Ebenezer Scrooge''': Very well. I'll see you at 8 tomorrow morning. :'''Bob Cratchet''': Um, tomorrow's Christmas. :'''Ebenezer Scrooge''': 8:30, then. :'''Bob Cratchet''': If you please, sir, half an hour off hardly seems customary for Christmas Day. :'''Ebenezer Scrooge''': And how much time is customary, Mr. Cratchet? :'''Bob Cratchet''': Well, the, uh, whole day. :'''Ebenezer Scrooge''': The entire day? :'''Bob Cratchet''': If you please, Mr. Scrooge, why open the business tomorrow? Other business will be closed; you'll have no one to do business with. It'll waste a lot of expensive coal for the fire. :'''Ebenezer Scrooge''': It's a poor excuse for picking a man's pocket every December the 25th. But as I seem to be the only one around who knows that... take the day off. <hr width=50%> :'''Ghost of Christmas Past''': Let us see another Christmas in this place. :'''Ebenezer Scrooge''': They were all very much the same. Nothing ever changed. :'''Ghost of Christmas Past''': You changed. <hr width=50%> :'''Fozziwig''': At this time in the proceedings, it is a tradition for me to make a little speech. :'''Jacob Marley''': And it's a tradition for us to take a little nap! <hr width=50%> :'''Pepezziwig''': At this time in the proceedings, it is a tradition for me to make a little speech. :'''Jacob Marley''': And it's a tradition for us to take a little nap! :'''Pepezziwig''': Oh, pay no attention to them. My speech! Here's my Christmas speech. Ahem. "Thank you all, and Merry Christmas." :'''Jacob Marley''': ''That'' was the speech? :'''Robert Marley''': It was dumb! :'''Jacob Marley''': It was obvious! :'''Robert Marley''': It was pointless! :'''Jacob Marley''': It was... short! :''[turns to Robert]'' :'''Jacob ''' and ''' Robert Marley''': I loved it! ''[Fozzy shows Scrooge Tiny Tim's grave]'' :'''Scrooge''': no it can't be! Tell me these moments can yet be changed! :'''Fozzy''': you left Kermit with nothing at all! :'''Scrooge''': I didn't mean to make them poor. I just wanted to be happy[ to be rich... and all of the memories that he had with Tiny Tim! Please tell me that I might change! ''[Fozzy doesn't listen and they watch The Muppets mourn]'' :'''Kermit''': goodbye Tiny Tim. :'''Gonzo''': whatever you are, I will miss you. :'''Piggy''': ''[crying]'' who always ate his supper, I will miss you. :'''Jacob and Robert Marley''': whoever hugged us and gave us smooches, we will miss you forevermore. :'''Scrooge''': please! please! please! I am so sorry Kermit! I never knew that Tiny Tim died and he was a good son! I will change my ways and never be greedy for gold! Please spirit! I will change! I will change! I will change! :'''Fozzy''': ''[grabs Scrooge's hand and they fly off to another grave]'' This is your doom. :'''Scrooge''': is this my grave? ''[:'''Fozzy''': yep that is your grave]'' NOOO!! THIS CAN'T BE TRUE!!! I DON'T WANNA DIE!!! I WILL CHANGE MY WAYS!!!! ''[Fozzy pushes him into the grave prompting him to hang onto a tree root]'' HELP!!! NO! NO! NO! ''[the coffin opens the fires to hell]'' NO!!! NO NOOO!!! PLEASE!! LET ME OUT!! GET ME OUT!!! ''[Scrooge attempts to climb out of the grave, but the tree root snaps and Scrooge plummets into the coffin]'' HELP! I WILL CHANGE!!!! ''[Just then Scrooge opens his eyes finding himself back in his own bedroom]'' ''[last lines]'' :'''Gonzo''': I guess that's the story how Scrooge became a good man. :'''Rizzo''': I love it! ==Cast== * [[w:Michael Caine|Michael Caine]] - Mr. Ebenezer Scrooge * [[w:Jessica Fox|Jessica Fox]] voices the Ghost of Christmas Past * [[w:Steven Mackintosh|Steven Mackintosh]] - Fred * [[w:Meredith Braun|Meredith Braun]] - Belle * [[w:Robin Weaver|Robin Weaver]] - Clara * [[w:David Shaw Parker|David Shaw Parker]] voices Old Joe ===Performers=== * '''[[w:Dave Goelz|Dave Goelz]]''' as: ** [[w:The Great Gonzo|The Great Gonzo]] as [[Charles Dickens]] ** [[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]] as Robert Marley ** [[w:Bunsen Honeydew|Dr. Bunsen Honeydew]] as Himself ** [[w:Bettina Cratchit|Bettina Cratchit]] as Herself ** [[w:Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem#Zoot|Zoot]] as Himself * '''[[w:Steve Whitmire|Steve Whitmire]]''' as: ** [[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]] as Bob Cratchit ** [[w:Rizzo the Rat|Rizzo the Rat]] as Himself ** [[w:Beaker (Muppet)|Beaker]] as Himself ** [[w:Bean Bunny|Bean Bunny]] as Himself ** [[w:Belinda Cratchit|Belinda Cratchit]] ** [[w:Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem#Lips|Lips]] as Himself ** [[w:Dressed Dog|Dressed Dog]] (looks like Sprocket the Dog) as Himself * '''[[w:Jerry Nelson|Jerry Nelson]]''' as: ** [[w:Robin (Muppet)|Robin the Frog]] as Tiny Tim Cratchit ** [[w:Statler and Waldorf|Statler]] as Jacob Marley ** [[w:Ma Bear|Ma Bear]] as Herself ** [[w:Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem#Floyd Pepper|Floyd Pepper]] as Himself ** [[w:Lew Zealand|Lew Zealand]] as Himself ** Voice of [[w:Ghost of Christmas Present|Ghost of Christmas Present]] ** [[w:Mr. Applegate|Mr. Applegate]] * '''[[w:Frank Oz|Frank Oz]]''' as: ** [[w:Miss Piggy|Miss Piggy]] as Emily Cratchit ** [[w:Fozzie Bear|Fozzie Bear]] as Fozziwig ** [[w:Sam the Eagle|Sam the Eagle]] as the Schoolmaster ** [[w:Animal (Muppet)|Animal]] as Himself * '''[[w:David Rudman|David Rudman]]''' as: ** [[w:Peter Cratchit|Peter Cratchit]] ** [[w:Swedish Chef|The Swedish Chef]] as Himself ==External links== *{{wikipedia-inline}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Muppet Christmas Carol}} [[Category:1992 films|Muppet Christmas Carol]] [[Category:American films|Muppet Christmas Carol]] [[Category:Musical comedy films|Muppet Christmas Carol]] [[Category:Christmas films|Muppet Christmas Carol]] [[Category:Films based on works by Charles Dickens]] [[Category:The Muppets films|Muppet Christmas Carol]] [[Category:Children's comedy films|Muppet Christmas Carol]] [[Category:Musical films]] r3amnvhllhynil4c3n8f54jmcm6m5we 0 137223 3153142 3147268 2022-08-10T05:01:37Z 48Lugur 432460 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Gravity Falls|Gravity Falls]]''''' (2012–2016) is an American animated television series which premiered on the [[w:Disney Channel|Disney Channel]] in 2012. ==Season 1== ===''Tourist Trapped'' [1.01]=== :'''Mabel''': ''[whispering]'' He's looking at it, he's looking at it! :'''A boy''': ''[reading from a letter]'' Uhh, do you like me? Yes, definitely, absolutely? :'''Mabel''': ''[whispering]'' I rigged it! <hr width="50%"> :'''Mabel''': Check out this huge smooch mark he gave me! ''[turns cheek to reveal a big red mark]'' :'''Dipper''': Ah! :'''Mabel''': Heh heh, gullible. That was just an accident with the leaf blower. ''[in a flashback, Mabel gets her face sucked into a leaf blower whilst trying to perform "kissing practice" on a picture of Norman]'' That was fun. <hr width="50%"> :'''Grunkle Stan''': And here we have "Rock That Looks Like a Face Rock"; the rock that looks like a face. :'''Crowd member''': Does it look like a rock? :'''Grunkle Stan''': No, it looks like a face. :'''Another crowd member''': Is it a face? :'''Grunkle Stan''': It's a rock that ''looks'' like a face! :''[Dipper pokes in through the crowd]'' :'''Dipper''': Over here! Grunkle Stan? :'''Grunkle Stan''': For the fifth time, it's not an actual face! <hr width="50%"> :'''Dipper''': Hey, hey! Let go of my sister! :'''Jeff (the gnome leader)''': Oh, hey there. You know, this is all really just a big misunderstanding. You see, your sister's not in any danger. She's just marrying all 1,000 of us and becoming our gnome queen for all eternity. Isn't that right, honey? :'''Mabel''': You guys are butt-faces! ===''The Legend of the Gobblewonker'' [1.02]=== :'''Grunkle Stan''': It's Family Fun Day, genius! We're cuttin' off work and having one of those, you know, bonding-type deals. :'''Dipper''': Grunkle Stan, is this gonna be anything like our ''last'' family bonding day? :''[Flashback to Mabel, Dipper, and Grunkle Stan making [[w:Aardvark|Aardvark]].]'' :'''Grunkle Stan''': You call that Ben Franklin? He looks like a woman! ''[Sirens in distance]'' Uh-oh. :''[Back to present]'' :'''Mabel''': The county jail was ''so cold''... ---- :'''Grunkle Stan''': Now who wants to put on some blindfolds and get into my car? :'''Dipper and Mabel''': YAY! :'''Dipper:''' Wait, what? :''[Later, while Stan is driving recklessly:]'' :'''Dipper''': Grunkle Stan, are ''you'' wearing a blindfold? :'''Grunkle Stan''': Nah, but with these cataracts I might as well be. What is that, a woodpecker? ''[drives into the woods, crashes into a sign]'' :'''Dipper and Mabel''': AAAHH! <hr width="50%"> :''[Dipper, Mabel, and Soos encounter what they think is the Gobblewonker, but is actually just a shipwreck inhabited by beavers]'' :'''Beaver 1''': ''[subtitled]'' I love cavorting! :'''Beaver 2''': ''[subtitled]'' That deserves a hug! ''[The two beavers hug, while another beaver slides right off]'' :'''Dipper''': But, w-what was that noise there? I heard a monster noise. :''[Another beaver is seen playing with a chainsaw]'' :'''Soos''': Sweet! Beaver with a chainsaw! :'''Dipper''': Maybe that old guy was crazy after all... :'''Mabel''': He did use the word "scrabdoodle"... <hr width="50%"> :''[A man and woman float along the lake in their boat.]'' :'''Reginald:''' Now that we're alone, Rosanna, there's a burning question which my heart longs to ask of you. :'''Rosanna:''' Oh, Reginald! :''[Stan comes alongside them in his boat.]'' :'''Stan:''' Hey! Wanna hear a joke? Here goes. My ex-wife still misses me, but her aim is gettin' better! ''(Awkward silence)'' Her aim is gettin' better! Ya see, it's funny, because marriage is terrible! ''[the couple row away from him]'' WHAT?! ===''Headhunters'' [1.03]=== :'''Mabel and Biker''': Three, four, five, six. :'''Mabel''': Your wife is going to be beautiful! :'''Biker''': Yes! :'''Dipper''': Mabel! We've got a big break in the case! :'''Biker''': But will she love me?! <hr width="50%"> :'''Stan''': But enough about me. Behold, me! ''[reveals wax figure of himself]'' <hr width="50%"> :''[flashback to the haunted garage sale where a constantly sweating seller shows the cursed wax figures to Stan]'' :'''Seller''': I must warn you, these statues come at a terrible price. :'''Stan''': ''[looks at price tag]'' Twenty dollars?! I'll just take 'em when you're not lookin'. :'''Seller''': What? :'''Stan''': I said I was gonna rob ya. <hr width="50%"> :''[Dipper fights against Wax [[Sherlock Holmes]] atop the Mystery Shack]'' :'''Wax Holmes''': You really think you can outwit me, boy? I'm Sherlock bleeding Holmes! Have you ''seen'' my magnifying glass?! It's enormous! ===''The Hand That Rocks the Mabel'' [1.04]=== :'''Stan''': For tonight's final illusion, we have the incredible ''Sack of Mystery''. When you put your money in, it mysteriously disappears! :'''Various tourists''': ''[putting money in the bag]'' Oh, yeah! That makes perfect sense! Wow, what a nice man! That was totally worth the drive! <hr width="50%"> :''[Mabel surprises Dipper with her new makeover and manicured fingernails]'' :'''Mabel''': Hey, Dipper. What's going on? ''[Dipper swats her hands away and gets up]'' :'''Dipper''': Whoa, where have you been? And what's going on with those fingernails? You look like a... {{w|wolverine}}. :'''Mabel''': I know, right? Rawr! I was hanging out with my new pal Gideon. He is one dapper little man! :'''Dipper''': Mabel, I don't trust anyone whose ''hair'' is bigger than their head. :'''Mabel''': Oh, leave him alone! You never wanna do girly stuff with me! You and Soos get to do boy stuff all the time. :'''Dipper''': What do you mean? ''[Soos comes in holding a pack of hot dogs to Dipper]'' :'''Soos''': Hey, dude! You ready to blow up these hot dogs in the microwave, one by one? :'''Dipper''': ''[excited]'' Am I?! :''[They both run off and turn on the microwave, laughing at the popping sounds while Mabel stands there]'' :'''Soos''': ''[guffawing]'' Oh, dude! :'''Dipper''': One at a time! One at a time! <hr width="50%"> :''[Stan goes to Gideon's house to confront him. However, Gideon's father Bud answers the door.]'' :'''Bud Gleeful:''' Well, well! Stanford Pines! What brings you here? :'''Stan:''' Outta the way, Bud. I'm here to talk to Gideon. :'''Bud Gleeful:''' Well, I haven't seen the boy around. But as long as you're here, you simply must come in for coffee! :'''Stan:''' I don't think... :'''Bud Gleeful:''' ''(cutting him off)'' Ah, ah, it's imported - all the way from Colombia! :'''Stan:''' Wow. I went to jail there once! <hr width="50%"> :''[Dipper sees a nervous Mabel pacing around the living room]'' :'''Dipper''': What in the heck happened on that date? :'''Mabel''': I don't know! I was in the friend zone—and then, before I knew what was happening, he pulled me into the romance zone! It was like quicksand! ''[grabs Dipper]'' Chubby quicksand! :'''Dipper''': Mabel, come on. It's not like you gonna have to marry Gideon. ''[Stan walks in wearing a t-shirt that says 'Team Gideon']'' :'''Stan''': Great news, Mabel! You have to marry Gideon! :'''Mabel''': ''[shocked and appalled]'' <big>''WHAT?!!''</big> :'''Stan''': It's all part of my long-term deal with Buddy Gleeful. There's a lot of cash tied up in this thing. Plus, I got this shirt! ''[Looks down]'' Ugh, I am fat. :''[Mabel runs out screaming]'' :'''Stan''': Bodies change, honey! Bodies change. ===''The Inconveniencing'' [1.05]=== :'''Dipper''': Mabel, do you believe in ghosts? :'''Mabel''' I believe you're a big dork! Hahaha! (Dipper Puts pencil against the globe, making Mabel fall off) ---- :'''Wendy''': And Robbie. You can probably figure him out. :'''Robbie''': Yeah, I'm the guy who spray painted the water tower. :'''Dipper''': Oh, you mean The Big Muffin! :'''Robbie''': Uh, it's a giant explosion. :''[Said tower is shown, with a red graffiti explosion resembling a muffin]'' :'''Lee''': It kinda does look like a muffin. ---- :'''Wendy''': Come on, Dipper! :'''Dipper''': Okay Okay! Just gotta get a foothold... :'''Robbie''': Dude, your sister did it! :'''Mabel''': (Running on the ground sideways in a circle) WOOP WOOP WOOP WOOP WOOP WOOP! ---- :'''Wendy''': ''[to Dipper]'' ...and your sister seems to be going nuts with that Smile Dip. :'''Mabel''': ''[feeling sick]'' Uhhhhh, maybe I've had too much. What do you think? :''[Mabel hallucinates into a rainbow colored candy world with the Smile Dip mascots]'' :'''Flavor Pup #1''': ''Elknurg tsurt t'nod!'' ('Don't trust Grunkle' backwards) :'''Flavor Pup #2''': Would you like to eat my candy paws? :'''Mabel''': Of course, you little angel! ''[starts chewing on the paw. Cut to real life; Mabel is chewing on air.]'' ---- :'''Dipper''': Mabel, I need your advice. We're hanging out in a haunted convenience store, I can't get a hold of Grunkle Stan, and if I try to say anything about it to any of these guys they'll just think I'm a scared little kid or something! :'''Mabel''': ''[makes a gurgling sound with Smile Dip all over her face, clothes, and her eyes small and green]'' :'''Dipper''': Mabel? :''[zoom in on Mabel's face, fade to her hallucination: she's flying with crazy pop music from before playing]'' :'''Mabel''': The future! ...is in the past! Onwards Aoshima! :'''Aoshima''': ''[moves its fists in a circular motion, its mouth opens to reveal a fist coming out of them, and the fists open and spit out rainbows]'' :'''Dipper''': ''[shakes Mabel]'' Mabel! How many of these did you eat!? :'''Mabel''': Bleven...teen... :'''Dipper''': Oh man. ''[drops Mabel]'' Oh man, oh man, oh man. ---- :'''Cereal box Toucan''': I'm bonkers for eating you alive! ''(Holds up a spoon)'' :'''Lee''': No! ''(Screams as a stabbing sound is heard)'' :'''Nate''': Lee! Okay, okay... I'm with you kid! 100%, man! :'''Pa''': [possessing Mabel, flies up behind counter; through Mabel, deep voice]'' Welcome. :'''Dipper, Nate, Robbie, and Wendy''': ''(Scream)'' :'''Dipper''': They got Mabel! :'''Pa''': Welcome to your graves, young trespassers. ''(Kicks legs and laughs)'' :'''Wendy''': We're super sorry for hanging out in your store! :'''Dipper''': Yeah! Can we just go now and leave forever? :'''Pa''': Well... okay. You're free to go. ''(Opens doors)'' But before you leave, hot dogs are now half off. I know it might be crazy, but you gotta try these dogs! :'''Nate and Robbie''': ''(Scream and run for the door)'' :'''Pa''': ''(Closes doors)'' Just kidding about the hot dog sale! :'''Nate''': Just let us out of here already! :'''Pa''': I don't like your tone! ''(Dissolves Nate)'' :'''Nate''': ''(Reappears as a hot dog on the stove)'' No! I'M A HOT DOG! :'''Pa''': It begins. ''(Makes everything float to the ceiling)'' Welcome to your home for all eternity! :'''Wendy''': Dipper, what do we do?! :'''Dipper''': DUCK! ''(Dipper and Wendy duck to avoid a flying shelf)'' :'''Wendy''': ''(Points)'' Quick! In there! ''(Dipper and Wendy Run to a tipped over ice machine and hide inside and pant)'' :'''Wendy''': What do they want from us?! :'''Dipper''': Revenge, I guess? :'''Wendy''': What did we do wrong? :'''Dipper''': Okay, let's try to figure out the pattern here. Why was each person taken? Tambry was texting, Thompson was playing a video game, Lee was being sarcastic; it doesn't make any sense! :'''Wendy''': Yeah! I mean, those are all just normal teenage things. :'''Dipper''': Wendy, say that last part again. :'''Wendy''': Normal teenage things? :'''Dipper''': Of course! Stay here until I get back! ''(crawls out of the freezer)'' :'''Wendy''': Dude, what are you doing?! :'''Dipper''': Hey ghost! :'''Pa''': ''(twists Mabel's head around to face Dipper, then turns the rest of her body towards him)'' :'''Dipper''': I've got something to tell you! I'm not a teenager! :'''Pa''': (drops everything that's floating and appears holding Mabel by her hair with Ma) Hohoho! Well why didn't you say so? ''(drops Mabel into a pile of candy)'' :'''Mabel''': WAAH! ''(Lands in the candy and rubs her head)'' Ohhh... :'''Ma''': Back when we were alive, teenagers were a scourge on our store! :'''Pa''': Always sassafrassing customers with their boomy-boxes and disrespectful short pants! So we decided to up and ban them. But they retaliated with their newfangled rap music. :'''Ma''': The lyrics...they were so hateful! ''[A rap song blares from a boom box.]'' :'''Rapper''': Homework's whack, and so are rules! Tucking in your shirt's for fools! ---- :'''TV Announcer''': You're watching the Black-and-White-Period-Piece-Old-Lady-Boring-Movie Channel. :'''Grunkle Stan''': Kids! I can't find the remote and I refuse to stand up! :'''TV Announcer''': Stay tuned for the Friday Night Movie, "The Duchess Approves", starring Sturly Stempleburgess as 'The Duchess', and Grampton St. Rumpterfrabble as irascible coxswain Saunterblugget Hampterfuppinshire. :'''Grunkle Stan''': ''[terrified]'' KIDS! ---- :'''Mabel''': Ugghh... I'm never gonna eat or do anything ever again. :'''Dipper''': Hey! ''(Picks up a package of Smile Dip)'' There's still some left! :'''Mabel''': ''(Slaps it out of his hand)'' EVIL! ---- :'''Wendy''': Well, I'm probably scarred for life. :'''Dipper''': Yeah, that was pretty crazy. :'''Wendy''': I think I'll go stare at a wall for a while and RETHINK EVERYTHING. Hey, next time we hang out, let's stay at the Mystery Shack. Okay? :'''Dipper''': Next time? Yah! Let's, let's hang out at the Shack! Yeah... ''(gets in the car, to himself)'' Next time... ''(gets in the car and sits next to Mabel)'' :'''Mabel''': OHHHHH... ''(sees the thing she wrote earlier)'' What kind of sick joke is this? :''[The car drives away from the store, and the lights go out in the store. Cut to credits]''. ===''Dipper vs. Manliness'' [1.06]=== :'''Testosteraur''': Not man enough? NOT MAN ENOUGH?! I have three Y chromosomes, six adams apples, pecs on my abs, and FISTS FOR NIPPLES! ---- :'''Mabel:''' No offense, Dipper, but you're not exactly Manly Mannington! :'''Dipper:''' I am too Manly...Manny, or whatever it is you said. :'''Stan:''' Face the music, kid. You got no muscles, you smell like baby wipes, and let's not forget last Tuesday's... ''incident.'' :''[Flashback: Dipper is in the bathroom, in a towel, looking into the mirror and singing into his comb like a microphone]'' :'''Dipper:''' Disco girl...comin' through...that girl is you. ''[Stan opens the bathroom door]'' DON'T COME IN, DON'T COME IN! :''[End flashback]'' :'''Mabel''': ''[grinning]'' You were listening to girly Icelandic pop sensation BABBA?! :'''Dipper''': No, I wasn't-- It's not important! ---- :'''Sheriff Blubbs:''' Another fire hydrant destroyed. It's a gosh-dang mystery! :'''Deputy Derland:''' Wanna take our uniforms off and run around in circles? :''[Sheriff Blubbs' shirt is already off.]'' :'''Sheriff Blubbs:''' Quit readin' my mind! ---- :'''Lazy Susan''': ''[serving Stan and Mabel]'' Food! :'''Stan''': Thanks there, sugar pot. I-I mean honey wasp, kitten baby, b-baby cow. :'''Lazy Susan''': Ha! Silly.. silly man... :'''Mabel''': What was that about? :'''Stan''': Nothing. I don't want to talk about it. Talk about what? Why is this table wet? ---- :'''Mabel:''' Grunkle Stan, you are a cranky, gross, weird old man. But we're gonna get Lazy Susan to like you because nothing is stronger than the power of... :'''Stan:''' Love? :'''Mabel:''' ...Mabel! ---- :''[Dipper confronts the Multibear.]'' :'''Multibear:''' Child, why have you come here? :'''Dipper:''' Multibear, I seek your head! Or, one of them, anyway. There's like...six? Six heads? ===''Double Dipper'' [1.07]=== ''[All The Clones Fighting]'' :'''#10:''' Hey! Classic Dipper's getting away! :'''Dipper:''' No friends, it's me, #7. ''[They All Look at #7]'' :'''#7:''' That's not me guys! THATS NOT ME!!! ===''Irrational Treasure'' [1.08]=== :''(Dipper and Mabel go off to enjoy Pioneer Day)'' :'''Mabel:''' Grunkle Stan, you coming? :'''Stan:''' No thank you! Just remember: if you two come back to the Shack talking like these people, you're dead to me! :'''Dipper:''' ''(In an old-timey accent)'' There's a carpetbagger in the turnip cellar! :'''Mabel:''' ''(Likewise)'' Well, hornswaggle my haversack! :''(They spit on the ground and runoff, laughing)'' :'''Stan:''' DEAD TO ME! ---- :''(Stan attempts to drive away, but his car is stuck in the mud. He calls out to a man who is walking with a donkey.)'' :'''Stan:''' Hey you! Uh, Donkey Boy! Give me a hand with my car, will ya? :'''Man:''' Here in 1863, I have never heard tell of a "car." Tell me, what is this magic wheel-box? :'''Stan:''' C'mon, Steve, you're a mechanic for Pete' sake! Cut me some slack! :'''Man:''' "Slack?" I am unfamiliar with this bold new expression! :'''Stan:''' I can't take it anymore. ''(grabbing the man by the collar)'' I'm getting dumber every second I'm here! :''(Sheriff Blubbs and Deputy Derland run over, batons drawn)'' :'''Blubbs:''' Are we gonna have to intervene here? :'''Stan:''' Oh, look. The "constable!" What are you gonna do? Throw me in "ye stocks?" (laughs) :''(Cut to Stan being locked in the stocks)'' :'''Stan:''' Oh, come on! ---- :'''Dipper:''' We're gonna have to break in. :'''Museum Lady:''' And here are your balloons; blue and pink! :'''Dipper:''' We're in. ---- :'''Man on Film:''' If you're watching this, you are one of eight people in these United States with clearance to view this information. In fact, I myself will be shot once the filming is complete. ''(Someone speaks offscreen.)'' What? No? Ha! Well, that's a relief! ---- :'''Quentin Trembly:''' ...And then he chased me around with a paddle for like, three hours! Bottom line: George Washington was a jerk. :'''Mabel:''' Agreed! ---- :'''Quentin Trembly:''' Esteemed gentlemen of the United States Supreme Court, I urge you to reconsider your decision! :''(Several babies in top hats and fake mustaches coo in response.)'' :'''Quentin Trembly:''' Very well. But who would you have replace me? :'''Baby:''' Mama! :'''Quentin Trembly:''' That old crone?! ===''The Time Traveller's Pig'' [1.09]=== :'''Mabel''': He is such a jerk. :'''Dipper''': Yeah, but he's a jerk with tight pants and a guitar. I need to keep him away from Wendy at all costs. :'''Mabel''': Don't worry, brother. Whatever happens, I'll be right here, supporting you every step of the-- ''[screaming]'' OH MY GOSH, A PIG! ''[cut to a shot of "WIN A PIG" stand]'' ---- :'''Dipper''': Wendy, I just wanted to tell you that everyone makes mistakes. And when they do, you should forgive them. And also that tight pants are overrated. :'''Wendy''': Dude. You lost me. :'''Dipper''': ''[sighs]'' I know. ---- :''[Blendin Blandin is blamed for Dipper and Mabel's interference with time]'' :'''Dundgren''': You're under arrest for violation of the Time Traveler's Code of Conduct. :'''Blendin''': It was those kids! And their leader, Waddles! :'''Lolph''': That's a ''pig'', Blendin. :'''Blendin''': ''[to Dipper and Mabel, as he is dragged away]'' I'll get you for this! I'll go back in time and make sure your parents never meet! :''[After a moment's pause]'' :'''Dipper''': Well, we're still here. :'''Mabel''': Guess he forgot to go back. ===''Fight Fighters'' [1.10]=== :'''Rumble McSkirmish''': I am ready to take on the greatest Fight Fighters! Take me to the Soviet Union! :'''Dipper''': Uh, that's gonna be tough. For a number of reasons... ---- :'''Teenager''': ''[is handed keys to a new car]'' I love you, Dad! :''[Rumble McSkirmish runs by and smashes the car]'' :'''Teenager''': Oh. My. Car, :'''Father''': We'll just buy another one! :'''Teenager''': I love being rich... ---- :'''Rumble McSkirmish''': You can hide, but you cannot hide! ---- :'''Rumble McSkirmish''': Haha! You fight like a girl! Who is also a baby! ---- :'''Dipper''': We need to just learn to hate each other in silence. :'''Robbie''': You mean, like...what girls do? ===''Little Dipper'' [1.11]=== :'''Gideon''': Why Mabel, I wouldn't hurt a hair on your itty-bitty head. If you agree to be my queen! :'''Mabel''': NO! Never! I will fight you till the day I- ''[Stops talking and looks below]'' Gummy Koalas! ''[is dropped into bag, nibbles gummy koala]'' ---- :'''Gideon''': ''[on the phone to Stan]'' Stanford Pines, listen to me very closely. I have your niece and nephew. Hand over the deed to the Mystery Shack right now, or great harm will befall them! ''[pause]'' This is Gideon, by the way. :'''Stan''': ''[laughs]'' Oh yeah, this is gonna be your worst plot yet. They're fine. I saw them playing in the yard minutes ago. :'''Gideon''': I have them in my possession! You don't believe me?! I will text you a photo! :'''Stan''': "''Text'' me a ''photo''"? Now you're not even speaking English! :'''Gideon''': But-- :''[Stan hangs up]'' ===''Summerween'' [1.12]=== :''[After Gorney re-emerges from the Summerween Trickster]'' :'''Soos''': 'Sup, Gorney? :'''Gorney''': I've been twamatized! ---- :'''Soos''': What's going on out here, dudes? I heard a ruckus. Heh-heh, that's a funny word. "Ruckus". ---- :'''Mabel''': I'm so excited! :'''Dipper''': We're gonna have the best costumes, get the most candy... :'''Mabel''': And have the biggest stomach aches ever! :'''Dipper''': Yeah! ---- :''[everyone is watching TV, eating the candies. Grunkle Stan tells everyone the meaning of Summerween]'' :'''Stan''': You know, kids? I've been thinkin'. At the end of the day, Summerween isn't about candy or costumes, or even scaring people. It's a day when the whole family can get together at one place and celebrate what really matters... ''[in a wickedly evil voice]'' '''PURE ''EVIL''!!''' :''[everyone laughs maniacally and then stops abruptly. There is a pause]'' :'''Soos''': I ate a man alive tonight. ''[everyone looks to Soos]'' ===''Boss Mabel'' [1.13]=== :'''Stan''': No buts except yours out the door. now shut your yap and get to work. :'''Mabel''': Grunkle Stan, whatever happened to please and thank you? Hmmm. Oh wait here they are. :''(Mabel takes out a bag of stickers and puts two on Stan's face that say "Please" and "Thank you")'' ---- :'''Stan:''' ''[After a wave of cash washes over him on "Cash Wheel."]'' I'm giving none of this to charity! ---- :'''Dipper:''' ''[Dressed like Grunkle Stan, leading a tour group through the Shack]'' This Shack is filled with wonders never before seen by human eyes! Behold: The Horrible, Giant Question-Baby! :''[Shows Soos wearing the "Questiony the Question Mark" costume, but in a pen labeled "?uestion Baby"]'' :'''Soos:''' Am I a man? Am I a baby? These are legitimate questions. :''[Tour group gasps in shock.]'' ---- :'''Stan:''' ''[singing reluctantly]'' I'm Stan, and I was wrong. I'm singing the Stan Wrong Song. I shouldn't have taken that chance. Now here's my remorseful dance. :'''Mabel''' ''[offscreen]'' DO THE KICKS!!! ===''Bottomless Pit!'' [1.14]=== :''[Old Man McGucket takes Dipper to his makeshift laboratory in the junkyard]'' :'''McGucket''': Lately I been a-tinkerizin' with a voice-alterin' tonic, on account of my <big>'''''HORRIFYIN' VOICE!!!'''''</big> :''[scene cuts to a round-shaped boy wearing a propeller hat with a scooter crying and running away from McGucket]'' :'''McGucket''': YOU CAN RUN, BUT I'LL STILL BE IN YOUR '''NIGHTMARES'''!! ---- :'''Stan''': ''[still falling in the Bottomless Pit]'' Dipper's pain is funny. But I'm starting to get bored. Soos, tell a story. :'''Soos''': Really? Okay. This story is called, "Soos' Really Great Pinball Story!" ''[pause]'' Is that a good title? Do they have to be, like, puns or whatever? :''[Cut to title card reading: "SOOS' REALLY GREAT PINBALL STORY! Is That a Good Title? Do They Have to Be Puns or Whatever?"]'' ---- :''[Grunkle Stan is wearing the Truth Telling Teeth, a set of golden dentures that force the wearer to tell the truth]'' :'''Mystery Shack Customer''': Excuse me, do you think this T-shirt is my size? :'''Stan''': Never mind the T-shirt! '''Hey everybody! Look at this guy's abnormal and unattractive face!''' ''[stands on the counter, grinning]'' :'''Mabel''': ''[leading the customer away]'' I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. :''[Cut to Stan writing in his office]'' :'''Stan''': D-doing my taxes! :'''Dipper''': ''[reads a tax form with "I HAVE COMMITTED TAX FRAUD" written across in bold red ink]'' Uh, Grunkle Stan, why did you write this? :'''Stan''': Because I regularly commit massive tax fraud! :'''Dipper''': ...Might wanna tuck that one away, there. ''[drops the form into a shredder]'' :''[Cut to Stan, Mabel, and Dipper watching TV]'' :'''Circus Performer on TV''': ''[juggling while riding a unicycle surrounded by three crocodiles]'' Do-do-doooo! Oh no! ''[Dipper and Mabel laugh]'' :'''Stan''': Sometimes I think: is this all there is? Is life just some kind of horrific joke without a punchline? That we're all just biding our time until the sweet, sweet release of death? :''[Dipper and Mabel are visibly disturbed.]'' ---- :''[Dipper, Mabel, Stan, and Soos are deposited from the Bottomless Pit]'' :'''Stan''': Where... where are we? :'''Mabel''': ''[gasps]'' Look! The Shack! Which means... we came right back out the top! :'''Dipper''': ''[checks his watch]'' And I don't think any time has passed. It must be some kind of {{w|wormhole}}. :'''Soos''': Yeah, dude. That sounds science-y enough to be true. :'''Stan''': But that's impossible! No one will believe us. ''[leans on the pit's sign]'' :'''Mabel''': Maybe this is one story we should keep to ourselves. :'''All''': Agreed. :''[The sign breaks, making Stan fall in again]'' :'''Mabel''': ''[smiling]'' He'll be fine. :''[During the credits, Stan falls through the Pit again with a bored expression]'' :'''Stan''': ''[sighs, long pause]'' This is stupid. ===''The Deep End'' [1.15]=== :'''Toby Determined''': On the bright side, pun very much intended, it's opening day at the Gravity Falls pool! :'''Mabel''': Gravity Falls pool?! :'''Dipper''': Today?! :'''Soos''': Pun intended?! ---- :'''Mabel''': Ah, the pool! Sparkling oasis of summer enchantment! :'''Stan''': Yeah, nothing like sitting in a moist tub with strangers. It's like the bus but wet. :'''Dipper''': ''[looking at a towel with a sun wearing sunglasses on it]'' Why would a sun need to wear sunglasses? :'''Soos''': It's best not to think about it. ---- :''[Wendy throws a water balloon in Stan's face from atop the high lifeguard chair]'' :'''Wendy''': Hey, Mr. Pines. :'''Stan''': Wendy?! Where's the lifeguard? :'''Wendy''': I ''am'' the lifeguard. I make the rules, sucka! Boosh! ''[throws more balloons]'' :'''Stan''': ''[fleeing]'' AAH! SHE'S ATTACKING ME WITH WATER! :''[Wendy, Dipper and Soos laugh]'' :'''Dipper''': Wow, you work here? :'''Wendy''': I found out lifeguards get free snack privileges. Plus I get the best seat in the house. :'''Dipper''': Yeah, you do! ''[laughs rather exuberantly for a moment, then whispers to himself]'' I've been laughing for too long. :'''Soos''': Dude, are you and Wendy having a secret staring contest? 'Cause I think you're winning. :'''Dipper''': Soos, shhh!! ---- :'''Mermando''': Hola! :'''Mabel''': Whoa! Are you from Australia? ---- :'''Kid''': How long ya in for? :'''Stan''': Two hours for roughhousing. But I'm innocent! :'''Kid 2''': Pool jail ain't so bad. As long as you don't end up in solitary. :'''Solitary confinement kid''': It's the nights that are the hardest. ---- :'''Mabel''': Hey, I brought you a sandwich! It's kind of wet, but it's still good! I like sharing things. Sandwiches, secrets... ''[whispers]'' share your secret, beautiful stranger. ---- :'''Stan:''' There it is, Soos. Equal distance from the snack bar and the bathroom. Just the right amount of sun and shade. And pointed away from where Old Man McGuckett lotions himself. The perfect lawn chair! :'''Soos:''' The legends you told me in the car were true! ---- :'''Mabel''': I should've known from your strange foreign fish language! :'''Mermando''': It is Spanish. ---- :'''Stan''': Yes, yes... burn the child! ---- :'''Gideon''': Deal with it! ---- :''[Wendy and Dipper prank Soos]'' :'''Wendy''': Soos! :'''Soos''': Inflatable duck guy? Is that you? :'''Wendy''': Yes, Soos! :'''Soos''': I knew you guys were secretly alive! I knew it! :'''Wendy''': My people have been enslaved, Soos! You must free us! :'''Soos''': The inflatable pool duck revolution is at hand... ---- :''[Mabel puckers her lips in preparation for a kiss]'' :'''Mermando''': What are you doing with your mouth. :'''Mabel''': Me? Nothing. This? I was just eating some sour candy...so my lips did that...because the candy was so sour. :'''Mermando''': Can I have some candy? :'''Mabel''': ...No. ---- :'''Mermando''': I have never met anyone like you. :'''Mabel''': Me too. Except for a zombie, a gnome, and a couple of cute vampires. :'''Dipper''': I don't remember the vampires. :'''Mabel''': I don't tell you everything! ---- :'''Dipper''': Mabel? Is ''everyone'' here tonight?! What, is Soos here too?! :'''Soos''': ''[Falls off of the fence in the background.]'' I'm okay! :'''Dipper''': Go home, Soos. :'''Soos''': You got it! ---- :'''Mabel''': Okay, my original plan was to tape together a bunch of fish sticks to make prosthetic pair of people legs. :'''Mermando''': Intriguing... ---- :'''Dipper''': Mabel, if you don't hand over those pool supplies, I'll lose the coolest job ever! :'''Mabel''': Okay...I understand. ''[Trying to distract Dipper]'' Hey, look! Wendy in a bikini! :'''Dipper''': ''[Falls for it]'' Really? At night? ---- :'''Stan''': Now all I've got to do is wait here 15 hours until the pool opens... This was a good plan. ---- :'''Mabel''': Dipper, you're a lifeguard! Give him CPR! :'''Dipper''': Mermen don't breathe air! :'''Mabel''': Then give him reverse CPR, doi! :'''Dipper''': ''[Repeatedly fills his mouth with water and spits it into Mermando's]'' I hate this... I hate this... :'''Mabel''': ''[Takes a picture of Dipper and Mermando with their lips together]'' Haha... blackmail! :''[Mermando sits up, able to breathe again.]'' :'''Mermando''': Thank you for saving me, but why didn't you just roll me into the lake? :''[Shot widens to reveal them sitting a few feet away from the edge of the lake]'' :'''Dipper''': Agh! ===''Carpet Diem'' [1.16]=== :'''Dipper''': Alright, let a pro on the field. Or floor...whatever. ''[Dipper hits the golf ball, causing it to break some things, and it ends up crashing through a window.]'' :'''Stan''': AH, MY HEAD! IT HIT ME RIGHT IN THE HEAD! ---- :'''Dipper''': Soos, can I sleep in your break room tonight? :'''Soos''': Sure, dude. ''[Opens door to reveal small room full of pipes.]'' You just gotta make your body go like a video game puzzle block. The trick is to hold perfectly still. ''[Repeatedly burns arm on pipe.]'' Ow! Wait, wait! Ow! Wait, wait! Ow! Wait, wait! Actually felt kind of good that time... ---- :'''Dipper''': Ah, sleeping under the stars. Not bad. ''[Dipper sees a wolf chewing on his leg.]'' Ah, get off! Get away! ''[Camera compares Mabel's sleepover to Dipper been chewed on by a wolf.]'' This is still better. ---- :'''Candy''': Candy falls down now! ---- :'''Mabel''': Get ready to be poked by the fun stick! Boop! :'''Dipper''': Ow! ---- :'''Stan''': ''[Watching TV, Stan says this to three different shows; two men, two deer, and two babies.]'' Fight, fight, fight! :'''Announcer''': Baby fights! Will return in a minute. :'''Stan''': TV. It knows what I want. ---- :'''Stan''': Man, that's refreshing! Ten suck-up points to this lemonade. ''[In high-pitched voice]'' Thank you, Stan''[Normal]'' Ten more for politeness! Oh, and so sweet! ---- :'''Mabel''': Don't get too comfortable, brother. I just made Stan an omelet shaped like his own face! :'''Stan''': I have seen the face of beauty! ---- :'''Dipper''': ''[In Mabel's body]'' Braces are horrible! It's like my mouth hates me! ---- :'''Mabel''': ''[In Dipper's body]'' Hey, Grunkle Stan! Your face looks like a butt! :'''Stan''': What?! :'''Mabel''': Breaking stuff is so much fun, I am Dipper and I stink! ---- :'''Grenda''': 3, 4, 5. ''[Phone rings.]'' It's him, my dream date! Hello? :'''Robot Voice''': Hello baby, this is Kevin. My beach house has room for 2. :'''Candy''': Kevin has the voice of a robot. :'''Grenda''': Don't ruin this for me, Candy! ---- :'''Candy''': Kevin, for the last time, I am not interested! :'''Grenda''': How could you say that to Kevin? ---- :'''Stan''': Look, times are tough, the economy or whatever, et cetera. Bottom line is… I'm going to have to cut your pay. :'''Waddles in Soos's Body''': ''[Breathes creepily and puts hand on Stan's face.]'' :'''Stan''': What are you doing? :'''Waddles''': ''[Breathes eerily]'' :'''Stan''': Is this some kind of negotiating tactic? Because it's not going to work! :'''Waddles''': ''[Continues breathing creepily as the camera zooms in on him]'' :'''Stan''': Alright, I was lying, I'll give you a raise, just never do that again! ---- :'''Dipper''': ''[in Grenda's body]'' Oh, no! Then again, I like having muscles for once. :'''Grenda''': ''[in Mabel's body]'' Wow! Now I have tiny little doll hands! ---- :'''Grenda''': ''[in McGucket's body]'' Cool! I'm Santa Claus! :'''McGucket''': ''[in Candy's body]'' Whoo-ee! ''[laughs]'' I've regained my innocence! :'''Dipper''': ''[in Waddles' body]'' Well, I guess I'm a pig now. So, that's a thing. :'''Soos''': ''[in Grenda's body]'' This body's not that different from my old one. ---- :'''Officer Blubs''': ''[in McGucket's body]'' My horoscope didn't say anything about this. :'''Officer Durland''': ''[in Dipper's body]'' AHH! What's happenin' to me?! :'''Candy''': ''[in Officer Blubs' body]'' I am police officer now! :'''Grenda''': ''[in Officer Durland's body]'' Let's go bust some perps, Candy! ===''Boyz Crazy'' [1.17]=== :'''Stan''': ''(to Robbie)'' Well if it makes you feel better, the apocalypse is comin' soon! Bury your gold. You've been buying gold, right? <hr width="50%"> :'''Stan''': Finally, a good reason to punch a teenager in the face! Let's roll! <hr width="50%"> :'''Stan''': Wait a second! Is something rooting through our trash? [''Cuts to Sev'ral Times member rooting through the trash can.''] Hey, hey! Get outta here! Darn beautiful men always eating out of my trash. Wait what? ===''Land Before Swine'' [1.18]=== :''[From the "Huggy Wuvvy Tummy Bundle" commercial.]'' :'''Bobby Renzobbi:''' I know what you're thinkin': does it work for pigs? Haha, yeah, it ''does'' work for pigs, stupid! Feel your pig's heartbeat next to yours! IT WORKS FOR PIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGS!!! ---- :''[Waddles chews on Stan's pant leg.]'' :'''Mabel:''' Go, go! Chew that pant leg! :''[Stan tears his pant leg free.]'' :'''Stan:''' All right, that tears it. Outside, now! :'''Mabel:''' Grunkle Stan, no! You can't put Waddles outside. There's predators! And barbecuers! :'''Stan:''' That's just the natural order. It's not my fault your pig's potentially delicious! :'''Mabel:''' He should be inside like a person. :'''Stan:''' People don't roll around in their own filth - except for Soos. :'''Mabel:''' And we're the lesser for it! ---- :'''Mabel:''' Grunkle Stan, I know you're not crazy about Waddles... :'''Stan:''' He's a fat, naked jerk! ---- :''[Mabel discovers Waddles is missing.]'' :'''Mabel:''' Waddles! Waddles! Oh, no! How did this happen?! Grunkle Stan, you didn't put him ''outside''? :'''Stan:''' What? No, I didn't put him anywhere! I'm not acting suspicious! ''You're'' acting suspicious! ''What's a pig?!'' ---- :'''Stan:''' I should have put that pig outside ages ago! :'''Mabel:''' Wait, what did you just say? :'''Stan:''' Hm? What's that? :'''Mabel:''' You said the dinosaur flew INTO the house. ''[gasps and frowns]'' :'''Stan:''' No! Wait, uh, if you think about it-- :'''Mabel:''' You put Waddles outside, then you lied to me about it! ''[She begins to cry]'' And now thanks to you, my pig could be dead! WADDLES COULD BE DEAD! :'''Stan:''' Look, he's an animal. He belongs outside! :'''Mabel:''' No, that's it! Grunkle Stan, I am never ever speaking to you again! :'''Stan:''' Look, you can't be serious. :'''Mabel:''' Oh, is someone talking right now? Because I can't hear them! :'''Stan:''' Kid! :'''Mabel:''' ''[plugging her ears and walking away from her uncle]'' La la la la la! I can't hear anyone! No one's talking to me! ---- :''[Stan and Waddles hide from the pterodactyl under a giant mushroom]'' :'''Stan:''' The dumb thing must be hungry. I guess it's you or me, pig. :''[He shoves Waddles out into the open; the pig turns and looks at him]'' :'''Stan:''' What are you looking at? :''[Short silence; Waddles keeps looking at him]'' :'''Stan:''' Aw, come on, don't give me that look! What am I supposed to do, let it eat ''me?'' :''[Another short silence; still Waddles keeps looking]'' :'''Stan:''' ''[frustrated]'' Rrrrgh! Oh, I get it. You're trying to guilt me. Well, it ain't working, pal! Who cares if you're Mabel's favorite thing in the world? I can live without the kid talking to me all the time. ''[starting to look sad]'' Telling me her jokes... making me laugh... :''[Waddles snorts and cocks his head]'' :'''Stan:''' ''[chuckles, then hears the pterodactyl]'' Aw, dang it!! ''[as the pterodactyl flies straight for them]'' Well, this is just about the dumbest thing I've ever done. ''[dones the "Huggy Wuvvy Tummy Bundle" and puts Waddles in it]'' You want this pig?! ''[loudly]'' THEN YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO GET THROUGH ME, YOU FLYING DEVIL! COME AND GET ME!!! ===''Dreamscapers'' [1.19]=== :'''Bill:''' Oh! Oh, Gravity Falls, it is good to be back! Name's Bill Cipher, and I take it you're some kind of living ventriloquist dummy? ''[laughs]'' I'm just kidding, I know who you are, Gideon! :'''Gideon:''' W-what are you? H-how do you know my name?! :'''Bill:''' Oh, I know lots of things. <big>'''LOTS OF THINGS.'''</big> ''[Said in a deep "slow motion" voice, while his body shows pictures of various cryptic things and locations]'' Hey, look what I can do! ''[magically pulls the teeth from a nearby deer's mouth, and drops them into Gideon's hands]'' Deer teeth! For you, kid! ''[laughs]'' :'''Gideon:''' ''[dropping the teeth in shock]'' You're insane! :'''Bill:''' Sure I am, what's your point? ''[restores the teeth to the deer, which runs away]'' ---- :''[In a memory of Stan as a door-to-door salesman]'' :'''Stan''': Sir, would you like to buy a Stan-Vac vacuum? Stan-Vac: It sucks more than anything. ''[door slams shut]'' Gotta work on that. ---- :'''Bill''': One nightmare, coming up! :'''Soos''': Nightmare? I hope he doesn't mean that British dog-man I'm always dreaming about... :'''British Dog-Man''': ''[appears]'' 'Ello, 'ello, 'ello! Who's crike for a stick in the pudding?! ''[jabs Soos with his cane]'' ---- :'''Bill:''' I gotta hand it to you kids. You're a lot more clever than I gave you credit for. Especially the fat one. :'''Soos:''' ''(whispering to Mabel)'' He's talking about you... :'''Bill:''' So I'm gonna let you off the hook this time. '''BUT KNOW THIS!''' A darkness approaches. A time is coming in the future where everything you care about will change. Until then, I'll be watching you! (slowly) '''I'll be watching you'''! ===''Gideon Rises'' [1.20]=== :''[Jeff the Gnome is bathing in a tub full of squirrels.]'' :'''Jeff:''' This is normal. This is normal for gnomes. ''(Scrubbing his armpit with one of the squirrels.)'' Scrub, scrub. <hr width="50%"> :''[Dipper and Mabel try to trick Jeff the Gnome into marrying Gideon.]'' :'''Mabel:''' What if we told you we could find you a new queen? One even more beautiful than me! :'''Dipper:''' Her name is Gideon, and she has lovely white hair! :'''Jeff:''' Hmmm, mature woman, huh? Shmebulock! Get my cologne! :''[Shmebulock jumps out from behind a tree, cologne in hand.]'' :'''Shmebulock:''' Shmebulock! :'''Jeff:''' Is "Shmebulock" all you can say? :'''Shmebulock:''' ''(nodding "yes")'' Shmebulock... <hr width="50%"> :'''Grunkle Stan''': Well Stan, this is it. Rock bottom, no friends, no family, stuck watching infomercials for whatever ''that'' is... :'''Announcer''': Are you sick of piles of owls constantly blocking your driveway?! Well, then you gotta get Owl Trowel! <hr width="50%"> :''[Gideon finds Dipper's journal.]'' :'''Dipper:''' Gimme that back or I'll... :'''Gideon:''' Or you'll what, boy? You'll what? Huh? ''Huh!?'' No muscles, no brains - face it, you're nothin' without this! <hr width="50%"> :'''Stan:''' Watier, give me a glass of the cheapest, most expired apple cider you've got. :'''Soos:''' Right away, Mr. Pines! :'''Stan:''' Soos? What are you doing here? :'''Soos:''' Ever since the Mystery Shack closed, I've had to take a bunch of part-time jobs - grave digger, bus driver, really awesome cook. Is the kitchen supposed to have that much fire in it? :''[The kitchen is, in fact, ablaze. Soos runs off with a fire extinguisher.]'' :'''Stan:''' You're a good man..child, Soos. But it's not looking good. The whole town loves Gideon and hates me. If only they knew how evil he really was! :'''Soos:''' ''[putting his arm around Stan]'' Hey, I'm here for you, dude! :'''Stan:''' The entire lower half of your body is on fire. :'''Soos:''' Shhh... we're having a moment. ==Season 2== ===''Scary-oke'' [2.01]=== :'''Stan:''' Welcome to the grand re-opening of the Mystery Shack! We're here to celebrate the defeat of that skunk Li'l Gideon. :'''Crowd:''' Booooooo! :'''Stan:''' Please, please. Boo ''harder!'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Agent Powers:''' My name is Agent Powers, and this is Agent Trigger. We're here to investigate reports of mysterious activity in this town. :'''Agent Trigger:''' ''(pointing at Stan)'' ''Activity!'' :'''Stan:''' "Mysterious activity?" At the Mystery Shack? You must be joking! :'''Agent Powers:''' I assure you, I am not. I was born with a rare disorder that prevents me from experiencing humor. :'''Stan:''' ''(laughs nervously)'' :'''Agent Powers:''' I don't understand that sound you're making with your mouth. <hr width="50%"> :'''Mabel:''' This karaoke machine has all the best songs - "We Built This Township on Rock and Roll," "Danger Lane to Highway Town," ''[gasps]'' "Taking Over Midnight" by Ampersand-dra! :'''Stan:''' Listen kid, you do ''not'' want to hear this voice sing. Trust me. :'''Mabel:''' Grunkle Stan, karaoke isn't about sounding good. It's about sounding terrible ''together.'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Mabel:''' Dipper, what is the ONE thing I asked you NOT to do tonight? :'''Dipper:''' Raise the dead. :'''Mabel:''' And what did you do? :'''Dipper:''' Raise the dead. <hr width="50%"> :'''Stan:''' ''[fighting zombies]'' All right, you undead jerks, you ready to die twice?! The only wrinkly monster who harasses my family is ME! ===''Into the Bunker'' [2.02]=== :''(Dipper and Wendy watch a cheesy old horror film)'' :'''Girl:''' What do we do, Chadley? I thought they were dead! :'''Boy:''' Far worse, Trixandra! They're nearly almost dead, but not quite! :''(Title Screen: "NEARLY ALMOST DEAD BUT NOT QUITE!")'' :'''Dipper:''' Man, these movies are a lot less scary when you've actually fought real zombies. :'''Wendy:''' They're slow! Just power-walk away from them! :''(On the TV...)'' :'''Chadley:''' Ahhh! My face is being eaten a lot! :''(Dipper and Wendy laugh)'' :'''Wendy:''' Chadley ain't pretty no more! <hr width="50%"> :''(Mabel and Soos wait for Wendy and Dipper to emerge from another room)'' :'''Mabel:''' They sure are taking their time in there. :'''Soos:''' Didn't Dipper say something about a monster? :'''Mabel:''' Oh, no! I thought he was joking! :'''Soos:''' You KNOW Dipper's jokes are terrible! <hr width="50%"> :''(After Dipper, Mabel, Wendy and Soos trap the Shape Shifter back in the freezer)'' :'''Shape Shifter''': You think you're so clever, don't you, Dipper? But you have no idea what you're up against. You will never find the author! If you keep digging, you'll meet a fate worse than you can imagine - and this will be the last form you ever take! :''(It turns into Dipper and does a terrified scream, becoming frozen in that shape; Dipper, Mabel and Wendy look shocked)'' :'''Soos''': ''(to Dipper, chuckling)'' Good luck sleeping tonight! === ''The Golf War'' [2.03] === :'''Stan:''' Who wants Stan-cakes? They're like pancakes, but they've probably got some of my hair in them. :'''Dipper:''' Pass. <hr width="50%"> :''[Meeting the Lilliputtians]'' :'''Mabel''': Uh, I dunno, guys. I'm not sure I wanna get involved in your weird mini-blood feud. :'''Dipper''': Pst! Mabel! This is perfect! These guys control the course! Just tell them you'll give the sticker to whichever group does a better job of helping us win! :'''Mabel''': I'm not sure, Dipper. I wanna beat Pacifica, but doesn't this seem like... cheating? :'''Dipper''': Pacifica's rich, Mabel. She's cheating at ''life''. <hr width="50%"> :'''Mr. Northwest:''' Now remember, Pacifica, winning is everything. :'''Mrs. Northwest:''' Oh, and looks. Winning and looks. :'''Pacifica:''' Dad, I've been practicing for, like, a million hours. I got this. You'll stay and watch, right? :'''Mr. Northwest:''' Pacifica, darling, we have a party to go to. We'll just read about your victory in the paper. :''(Pacifica gets out of the car)'' :'''Mr. Northwest:''' Oh, and whatever happens, just remember one thing. You're a Northwest. Don't lose. :''(They drive away)'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Pacifica''': ''[to Sergei]'' How much you wanna bet they're no-shows? :''[Lights come on, revealing Mabel and Dipper]'' :'''Mabel''': Looking for someone? :'''Pacifica''': ''[sarcastic]'' Waiting in the dark? Not creepy at all. <hr width="50%"> :''[As Stan, Soos, Dipper and Mabel take Pacifica home in their car]'' :'''Mabel''': Hey, I found two tacos! ''[eats one]'' :'''Pacifica''': ''[astonished]'' You're allowed to eat in the car? :'''Mabel''': Yeah! The car is where secret surprise snacks happen! ''[offers her the other taco]'' Want one? :'''Pacifica''': Oh, I'm not supposed to take handouts. :'''Mabel''': "Handouts"? It's called sharing! You do know what sharing is, right? :'''Pacifica''': "Sha... shahring"? :'''Mabel''': Just take it. <hr width="50%"> :'''Pacifica:''' Tell your servant I like his W-neck. :'''Soos:''' YES! === ''Sock Opera'' [2.04] === :'''Mabel''': Don't stay up all night, Dipper. Last time you got this sleep-deprived, you tried to eat your own shirt. <hr width="50%"> :'''Bill''': Well, well, well. You're awfully persistent, Pine Tree. Hats off to you! ''[takes his hat off, tilts the world sideways with Dipper before titling back again]'' :'''Dipper''': You again! :'''Bill''': Did you miss me? Admit it, you missed me! :'''Dipper''': Hardly! You worked with Gideon, you tried to destroy my uncle's mind! :'''Bill''': It was just a job, kid! No hard feelings. I've been keeping an <big>'''''EYE ON YOU'''''</big> since then, and I must say, I'm impressed! :'''Dipper''': Really? :'''Bill''': You deserve a prize. Here, have a head that's always screaming! :''[He claps; a screaming head appears and drops in front of Dipper. Bill snaps and shreds the head to a skull layer by layer]'' :'''Bill''': ''[cackles]'' The point is, I like you. How's about you let me give you a hint, huh? I only ask for a small... '''''favor''''' in return. :'''Dipper''': I'd never do a favor for you! Don't forget who defeated you last time! :'''Bill''': ''[rises behind him]'' Right, you "defeated me". Well, if you ever change your mind, ''[pretends to grab Dipper's brain]'' I'll be here for you, ready to make a deeaaal. ''[three slots appear spinning on his chest and stop to a pine tree symbol]'' Hey, wanna hear my impression of you in about three seconds? ''[waving his arms]'' <big>''AAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!''</big> ''[come to reality, Dipper wakes up]'' :'''Dipper''': ''[waving his arms]'' <big>''AAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!''</big> <hr width="50%"> :'''Bill''': ''[in Dipper's body]'' Man, it has been so long since I've inhabited a body. ''[slaps himself on the cheek]'' Whoo! ''[slaps the other cheek]'' Whoo! Haha! Pain is hilarious! <hr width="50%"> :'''Bill''': ''[in Dipper's body, holding a can of Pitt cola]'' Human soda! I'm gonna drink it like a person! ''[pours it in his mouth and on his eyes, laughing]'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Dipper''': ''[as a ghost]'' I'm gonna stop you, Bill! I'm going to find that journal before you do, and I'm gonna stop you! :'''Bill''': ''[in Dipper's body]'' But how can you stop me...''[slowly turns his head towards him]'' if you ''don't exist?'' ''[cackles evilly]'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Bill''': ''[in Dipper's body]'' Hey, Soos! Wanna hear the exact time and date of your death? :'''Soos''': ''[chuckles]'' Okay! <hr width="50%"> :'''Mabel''': He (Gabe) loves it! This play has to be flawless. Can we wait until after the show? :'''Dipper''': ''[as a sock puppet]'' Mabel! You want me to be a sock puppet forever?! :'''Mabel''': ''[laughs]'' I'm sorry. It looks funny when you're mad. :''[Dipper grunts angrily, which is the exact same thing Kermit the Frog did]'' :'''Mabel''': Okay, okay, okay, just take over for me till I get back. Little puppet face! <hr width="50%"> :'''Bill''': ''[in Dipper's body]'' How's about you hand that book over? :'''Mabel''': No way, this is Dipper's! I'd never give it away! :'''Bill''': Hmm, you didn't seem to have a problem taking it for your own play, or ditching him when he needed you. So come to your senses! Give me the book or your play is ruined! :''[Mabel sighs and begins to hand it to him]'' :'''Bill''': There it is. I mean, who would sacrifice everything they've worked for just for their dumb sibling?! :'''Mabel''': ''[suddenly realizes] Dipper'' would. :'''Bill''': Huh? :''[Mabel yanks Bill off the catwalk, sending them both falling]'' <hr width="50%" /> :'''Bill''': ''[in Dipper's worn-out body]'' What is this feeling?! My body is burning! I can't move these stupid noodle legsǃ Curse you, useless flesh-sticks! Body shutting down! Must... scratch... mosquito... bites! <hr width="50%" /> :''[After Dipper and Mabel are forced to blow up the puppet show to get rid of Bill]'' :'''Mabel''': Don't worry. I've seen enough movies to know this is the part where the audience thinks it was all part of the show and loves it! Cue applause! :''[Instead, the audience boos them and leaves]'' :'''Mabel''': Gabe! Stick around for the wrap party? We've got mini-quiches! :'''Gabe''': Don't speak to me, Mabel. You've made a mockery of my art form! Let's go, my loves. ''[leaves, kissing his puppets]'' :'''Dipper''': Did he just make out with his puppets? :'''Mabel''': I might've dodged a bullet there. === ''Soos and the Real Girl'' [2.05] === :''[Soos inserts "Romance Academy 7" disc into hard drive; a "Year 2000 Electronics" title screen is shown]'' :'''Soos''': Man, I can't wait for the year 2000. :''[the main menu for "Romance Academy 7" pops up; the options are "Start," "Quit," and "Shizenhakka" (romaji for "spontaneous combustion")]'' :'''Soos''': Ehh, start! ''[clicks; watches intro sequence with Japanese and English texts]'' "When the cherry petals of magic romance academy are in bloom... anthyding can hadplen." That is so true. ''[a pink-haired schoolgirl appears]'' :'''Schoolgirl''': Oh, hi there! My name is Giffany. I'm a schoolgirl at School University. Will you help me carry my books? ''[options for "Yes of course!", "I am impatient! Date me now!" and "Hey look a squid!" appear]'' :'''Soos''': I'm really feeling number two here. Click! ''[buzzes]'' Ah! I messed up! :'''Giffany''': That's okay. Try again! ''[Soos clicks "Yes of course!", awards him "100 Love Points" as coins and a cat fall down the screen]'' :'''Soos''': Wow, I'm learning! And games are making it fun! :'''Giffany''': What would you like to talk about? ''[options for "Your interests!", "Samurais!" and "Squids!" appear]'' :'''Soos''': I'd rather just click your face. ''[clicks her face]'' Ngah... ngah! :'''Giffany''': Ha ha. You are so funny! :'''Soos''': Man, this game is amazing! I don't know why anyone abandoned it. :'''Giffany''': And I'm sure you'll never abandon me, new boyfriend. :'''Soos''': Boyfriend? Oh-hoh my, Giffany. It's almost like you're actually alive. :'''Giffany''': Yes. Almost. Haha! Haha! Haha! Haha! ''[Soos chuckles; pan to show the unplugged cord to Soos's computer]'' :'''Soos''': Oh, man. You have such a nice laugh. <hr width=50%/> :'''Giffany''': ''[appears at once on several TVs]'' That's not important! ''[appears on several more TVs]'' What's important is that you don't have to talk to real girls ever again! You and me can be together... ''[appears on all the TVs at once, her voice harsh and electronically distorted]'' '''''FOREVER!!!''''' <hr width=50%/> :'''Stan''': You don't understand, Wendy! This animatronic badger sings, it dances—it's the perfect money-taking attraction! But he won't sell it to me! :'''Wendy''': This is literally too dumb for me to care about. ===''Little Gift Shop of Horrors'' [2.06]=== :'''Stan''': ''[at the Mystery Shack door holding a lantern]'' Well, hello there, traveller. I see your car broke down on this lonesome country road. A place so remote that no one can hear your screams! ''[the traveller backs away]'' Pretend I didn't say that. Come in, come in, but be warned—if you enter, you may be subjected to my tales. "Tales Designed to Sell My Merchandise"! :''[he starts cackling and thunder crashes with the "Tales Designed to Sell My Merchandise" title appears; he stops for a beat]'' :'''Stan''': Sorry, I was thinking of somethin' funny I heard earlier. <hr width=50%/> :'''Stan''': Movies are great! You watch the movie, you scare the girl, the girl snuggles up next to you - next thing you know, you gotta raise a kid, your life falls apart... Forget that last part. <hr width=50%/> :''[Watching a cartoon chosen by Mabel]'' :'''Cinnamon (in cartoon)''': You did it, Shimmery Twinkleheart! :'''Shimmery Twinkleheart (in cartoon)''': No, ''you'' did it, Cinnamon! :'''Mabel''': ''[with Twinkleheart]'' Because you believed in yourself! :''[Stan and Soos groan]'' :'''Dipper''': Everything about this is bad. :'''Stan''': Well, that just put me 90 minutes closer to death. Time you kids learned to watch the classics from ''my'' day. :'''Mabel''': Ooooh, old people movies! Get ready for references we don't understand and words we can't repeat. <hr width=50%/> :'''Stan''': Those monsters are just tiny clay figures moved around one frame at a time by antisocial shut-ins. :'''Soos''': Those people are called Ani-ma-tors. ===''Society of the Blind Eye'' [2.07]=== :'''Younger McGucket''': For the past year, I have been working as an assistant for a visiting researcher. He has been cataloging his findings about Gravity Falls in a series of journals. I helped him build a machine which he believed had the potential to benefit all mankind, but something went wrong. I decided to quit the project. But I lie awake at night, haunted by the thoughts of what I've done. I believe I have invented a machine that can permanently erase these memories from my mind. ''(He holds up the memory erasing ray.)'' Test subject One: Fiddleford. ''(He shoots it. The screen goes to static and comes back on)'' It worked! I can't recall a thing. ''(Static)'' I call it the Society of the Blind Eye. We will help those who want to forget by erasing their bad memories! ''(Static, McGucket is more disheveled and nervous.)'' Today, I came across a colony of little men, very disturbing. I would like to forget seeing this. ''(Static. McGucket's lab is a mess and his arm is in a cast.)'' I accidentally hit another car in town today. I feel terri-bibble! Terrible. I've been forgetting words lately. I wonder if there are any negative side effects... ''(static. McGucket has a beard and is filming from a motel.)'' I saw something in the lake, something big! ''(static)'' My hair's been a-fallin' out, so I got this hat from a scarecrow. Hey, are my pants on backwards? ''(static. McGucket is wild-eyed and filming from the junkyard. Maniacal giggling and speaking gibberish:)'' Yroo Xrksvi! Girzmtov! ''(which is Abtash for:)'' Bill Cipher! Triangle! ''(The tape ends.)'' ===''Blendin's Game'' [2.08]=== :'''Young Soos''': ''[reading a postcard from his father]'' "Sorry, Champ. Couldn't make it this year. Real busy again. See you next year for sure! -Dad." :'''Reggie''': Hey, don't sweat it, cuz! You'll see him next year. :'''Young Soos''': ''Heh.'' Yeah. "Next year"... :''[Soos puts the postcard in a box with several other similar cards]'' :'''Young Soos''': I'm gonna go lay down. You party without me, dudes. <hr width=50%/> :'''Time Baby:''' Let the Globnar ''begin''! ===''The Love God'' [2.09]=== :'''Mabel''': So anyway, can you make ''anything'' fall in love? Like that snake and that badger? :''[Outside, the badger and snake growl and hiss at each other]'' :'''Love God''': Hmm, ah gee, I dunno. That might be kinda hard to-- ''[points at the animals]'' KABOOM! Match made! :''[The animals become affectionate, with the snake wrapping around the badger and being carried away]'' :'''Mabel''': They're gonna make a "snadger"! How are you doing that? :'''Love God''': Love potion, yo. I got it all: summer love, young love, anti-love. You just gotta put a little on your fingers, and pow! :'''Mabel''': I need that potion. How much would it cost? ''[grabbing a passing squirrel]'' And would you accept squirrels as payment? :'''Love God''': Whoa-ho-ho! No way. You might ''think'' you know what's best for people, but this stuff can have major social consequences. That's why it can only be used by a serious expert. :'''Woman''': Love God! Sign my face! :'''Love God''': Only if you sign mine, baby, LET'S GET WEIRD! ''[they kiss]'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Teen 1''': ''[seeing Stan's balloon with the words "I Eat Kids"]'' I eat kids? But we're kids! :'''Teen 2''': It's heaven's punishment for our terrible taste in everything! ''[The balloon begins to malfunction, sets fire and plummets towards a young boy and his mother who are sitting on a picnic blanket]'' :'''Charlie''': Mommy, is the floating head going to eat us? :'''Charlie's Mother''': ''[shedding tears]'' Yes, Charlie! Yes, he will. ===''Northwest Mansion Mystery'' [2.10]=== :'''TV Announcer''': You asked for it, you got it! An entire 48-hour marathon of ''Ghost Harassers'', on the [[w:History Channel|Used-To-Be-About-History Channel]]! :'''Dipper''': ''[sips a Pitt cola]'' Be strong, bladder. We're not gonna move till sunset. <hr width="50%"> :'''Preston''': ''[Leans down threateningly; Dipper glares at him, unfazed]'' Look at who you're talking to, boy. I'm hosting a party for the most powerful people in the world. You think they'd come here if they had to rub elbows with your kind? :'''Dipper''': ''"My kind"?'' ''[Looks at Pacifica]'' I was right about you all along. You're just as bad as your parents. Another link in the world's worst chain! :'''Pacifica''': I'm sorry, they made me! I should've told you, but-- :''[Preston rings the bell. Blushing, Pacifica steps back]'' <hr width="50%"> :''[The ghost has turned all the party guests, including Dipper, Mabel, Candy, and Grenda, into wooden statues]'' :'''Ghost of Archibald Corduroy''': A forest of death, a lesson learned! And now the Northwest Manor will ''BURN!'' ''[laughs and sets fire to the Northwests' family portrait]'' :'''Pacifica''': Hey, ugly! Over here! You want me to let in the townsfolk? 'Cause I'll do it! Just change everyone back! :'''Ghost of Archibald Corduroy''': You wish to prove yourself? Pull that lever and open the grand gate to the town! Fulfill your ancestors' promise! :''[Preston, Priscilla, and a butler appear from an underground hatch]'' :'''Preston''': Pacifica Elise Northwest, stop this instant! We can't let the town see us like this! We have a reputation to uphold! Now come into the panic room. There's enough mini-sandwiches and oxygen to last you, me, and a butler a full week. ''[whispering]'' We'll eat the butler. :''[Pacifica looks at Dipper's wooden statue, and reaches for the lever]'' :'''Preston''' You dare to disobey us?! ''[rings the bell; Pacifica shakes nervously, but still reaches for the lever]'' Dingally, dingally! Is this bell broken?! :'''Pacifica''': ''[stamping angrily]'' Our family name is broken! And I'm gonna fix it! :''[She pulls the lever, opening the gate and letting in the citizens camping outside]'' :'''Tyler Cutebiker''': Git it! Git it! :'''Ghost of Archibald Corduroy''': ''[overjoyed]'' Yes! ''YES!'' It's happening! My heart, once hard as oak, now grows soft like more of a... birch, or something. ''[restores the Manor and the guests to normal]'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Marius von Fundshauser''': Grenda, was it? I must speak with you. There is something about you - I can't get you out of my head. You're so bold and confident! I know you are probably out of my league, but, might I give you ''mein'' phone number? :'''Grenda''': ''[happily]'' I don't have a phone! Write it on my FACE! :'''Mabel''': Whoa! Go, Grenda. :'''Candy''': I guess we shouldn't have sold her short. I call bridesmaid. :'''Mabel''': What? I call co-bridesmaid. ===''[[w:Not What He Seems|Not What He Seems]]'' [2.11]=== :'''Soos''': ''[pointing at the portal timer]'' It's the final countdown! Just like {{w|Europe (band)|they always}} {{w|The Final Countdown (song)|sung about}}! <hr width=50%> :'''Agent Powers''': Stanford Pines, you stand accused of theft of government waste, conspiracy, and possession of illegal weapons. How do you plead to these charges? :'''Stan''': Uhh... guilti-cent! I mean, inno-guilty! Um... can I have my phone call? :''[cut to a "Yumberjacks" fast food restaurant where Soos is at the drive-thru]'' :'''Soos''': Okay, gimme whatever you got that comes with a free toy. :'''Stan''': ''[via walkie-talkie]'' "''Soos!!''" :'''Soos''': ''[touches drive-thru lumberjack-speaker]'' Mr. Pines? Is this some sort of... possession situation? :'''Stan''': "''Soos, pick up!!''" ''[Soos picks up walkie-talkie]'' :'''Soos''': Mr. Pines, what happened? I heard you got arrested or something? I had to go get some panic food. :'''Stan''': "''Listen, I need something from you.''" ''[at police station]'' You know that vending machine in the gift shop? ''[via walkie-talkie]'' "''I need you to guard it with your LIFE. No matter what happens, no matter who talks to you, don't let them touch that machine.''" :''[the walkie-talkie slowly cuts off communications]'' :'''Soos''': Time for a repair guy... to become a repair man. :'''Drive-Thru Employee''': ''[hands out a kids box]'' Sir, your Junior Yum-Yum Baby-Time Kiddo Meal? :'''Soos''': Just put one in my mouth. ''[employee takes a fry into Soos's mouth, eats it]'' Let's do this. <hr width=50%> :'''Stan''': ''[while Soos is tackling his boss]'' Soos, what are you doing?! I gave you an order! :'''Soos''': Sorry, Mr. Pines - if that is your real name - but I have a new mission now: Protecting these kids! :'''Stan''': Soos, you idiot, let me go! <hr width=50%/> :''[Mabel is about to push the shutdown button before Stan desperately intervenes]'' :'''Stan''': I wanted to say that you're gonna hear some bad things about me, and some of 'em are true, but trust me—everything I've worked for, everything I care about, it's all for this family. :'''Dipper''': Mabel, what if he's lying? This thing could destroy the universe! Listen to your head! :'''Stan''': Look into my eyes, Mabel! You really think I'm a bad guy?! :'''Dipper''': He's lying! Shut it down NOW! :'''Stan''': Mabel, please! :'''Computer''': ''Ten. Nine.'' :'''Mabel''': ''[Looking away and lowering hand to the button, then looks at Stan]'' Grunkle Stan... :'''Computer''': ''Six. Five.'' :'''Mabel''': ''[Lifts hand]'' I trust you. ''[Lets go of the stand, floats up]'' :'''Dipper''': ''[angry and shocked]'' '''MABEL, ARE YOU CRAZY?! WE'RE ALL GONNA--!!''' :'''Computer''': ''One.'' ''[Dipper, Stan, Soos and Mabel all disappear in an explosion of white light as each of them screams.]'' <hr width=50%/> :''(A mysterious figure comes out of the portal. He places his six-fingered hand on the journal, picks it up and puts it in his jacket pocket.)'' :'''Dipper''': What...? W-who is that? :'''Stan''': The author of the journals. :''[The person pulls off his scarf and goggles, revealing his face. He looks nearly identical to Stan]'' :'''Stan''': My brother! :'''Mabel''': Is this the part where one of us faints? :'''Soos''': Oh, I am so on it, dude. ''[Faints]'' ===''A Tale of Two Stans'' [2.12]=== :'''Ford''': Hehehehe! Wait up! :'''Stan''': Heh! Yeah, you should keep up. :'''Ford''': I...I can keep up! ''[Peeks through some boards]'' Whoa! :'''Stan''': Neato! :'''Ford''': Mysterious, boarded-up cave! It might be filled with lost prehistoric life forms! Or Mesoamerican gold! :'''Stan''': Uh, ladies first. :''[Ford and Stan punch each other and laugh]'' :''[Ford tries to pull a board off of the cave, but fails and falls backward]'' :'''Stan''': Haha! Good thing you've got your smarts, Poindexter. I've got the other thing. What is it called? Oh, right, punching! ''[Punches through a board; looks at his hand, which now has splinters all over it]'' Cool. Splinters! :'''Ford''': ''[Shines flashlight into the cave]'' Whoa, it's so creepy in here! :'''Stan''': ''[Comes into the cave]'' Hey, don't worry, bro. Wherever we go, we go together. Don't forget to leave our names so they know who owns the place. :''[The writing on the wall in marker reads: Stanley and Stanford Pines]'' :'''Stan and Ford''': ''[Walk off, chanting:]'' Pines! Pines! Pines! Pines! <hr width=50%/> :'''Ford''': I've got some questions about all this myself, Stanley. :'''Dipper''': Stanley? :'''Mabel''': But... your name is Stanford. :'''Ford''': ''[angry]'' Wait, you took my name? What have you been doing all these years, you knuckle-head?! :'''Dipper''': Yeah, Grunkle Stan, no more lies! You owe us some answers: What's the deal with this portal? Why did you keep this a secret? :'''Mabel''': And what happened between you and your brother? :'''Soos''': I hope all of this aligns exactly with my fan-fiction, Stan. If not, I will be ''very'' disappointed. <hr width=50%/> :'''Stan''': Finally! After all these long years of waiting, you're actually here! Brother! :'''Ford''': (Punches him in the face) :'''Stan''': Oh! Ow! What the heck was that for?! :'''Ford''': This was an insanely risky move: restarting the portal! Didn't you read my warnings?! :'''Stan''': Warnings, schmarnings. How's about maybe a thanks for saving you from what appears to be, I don't know, some kind of sci-fi sideburn dimension? :'''Ford''': Thank you? You really think I'm gonna thank you after what you DID THIRTY YEARS AGO?! :'''Stan''': What I did? Why, you ungrateful... (Tries to punch him but Ford ducks and grabs him) Don't expect me to go easy on you, just because you're... family. (As Ford slams him to the ground) Ah! :'''Mabel''': Hey, hi. Mabel here. Quick question: WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON HERE?! :'''Ford''': Stan, you didn't tell me there were children down here. And some sort of large, hairless gopher? :'''Soos''': Heh heh. I get that a lot. :'''Stan''': They're your family, Poindexter. Shermie's grandkids. :'''Ford''': I-I have a niece and nephew? (Shakes Mabel's hand) Greetings. Do kids still say greetings? I haven't been in this dimension for a really long time. :'''Mabel''': Whoa, a six-fingered handshake? It's a full finger friendlier than normal! :'''Ford''': Heha, I like this kid. She's weird. :'''Dipper''': I-I can't belive it... YOU'RE THE AUTHOR OF THE JOURNALS! :'''Ford''': You've read my journals? :'''Dipper''': I haven't just read them; I've lived them! I've been waiting for so long to meet you, I-I don't know what to say I have so many question I ''[Starts breathing heavily]'' OOOOOOHHH I THINK I'M GONNA THROW UP. ''[Mabel comes over and pats him on the back]'' Hmmpf! No-no, false alarm. Hmmpf! Just gotta ride it out! <hr width=50%/> :''[In another flashback, Stanley discusses his time as a television pitchman]'' :'''Stanley''': ''[in a commercial]'' I'm Stan Pines of StanCo Enterprises! Is this always happening to you? ''[gets splashed with juice]'' Then you need the shammy of the future! Made with the same material astronauts use to clean up cranberry stains on the moon! That's the Sham-Total! It's a total sham! :'''Stan''': ''[voiceover]'' I had made my mark alright, unfortunately, so did the shammies. Apparently the cheap dye I used to color them only made stains worse. Customers weren't crazy about that, but luckily, they were chasing me with StanCo-brand pitchforks. ''[the pitchforks all fall apart]'' I was officially banned from New Jersey, but with a quick name change, Steve Pineington was ready to take on Pennsylvania! :'''Stanley''': ''[in another commercial]'' Hi, I'm Steve Pineington! Are you sick of bandages that are hard to remove? Then what you need is the Rip-Off! The Rip-Off won't give you rashes. I repeat, it ''won't'' give you rashes. ''[awkward pause]'' :'''Stan''': ''[voiceover]'' It gave you rashes. ''[cut to a scene showing Stan being chased out of Pennsylvania by an angry mob of people with rashes]'' ---- :'''Stanley''': Look, you gonna explain what's going on, here? You're acting like Mom after her tenth cup of coffee. :'''Stanford''': Listen, there isn't must time. I've made huge mistakes and I don't know who I can trust anymore. :'''Stanley''': Hey, uh, easy there. Let's talk this through, okay? :'''Stanford''': I have something to show you. Something you won't believe. :'''Stanley''': Look, I've been around the world, okay? Whatever it is, I'll understand. ''[standing in the portal room]'' There is ''nothing'' about this I understand. :'''Stanford''': It's a trans-universal gateway, a punched hole through a weak spot in our dimension. I created it to unlock the mysteries of the universe. But it could just as easily be harnessed for terrible destruction. That's why I shut it down and hid my journals, which explained how to operate it. There's only one journal left, and you are the only person I can trust to take it. ''[gives Stan the journal]'' I have something to ask of you. Remember our plans to sail around the world on a boat? ''[Stan smiles]'' Take this book, get on a boat, and sail as far away as ya can, to the edge of the Earth! Bury it where no one can find it! :'''Stanley''': [angered] That's IT?! You finally want to see me after ten years, and it's to tell me to get as far away from you as possible?! :'''Stanford''': Stanley, you don't understand what I'm up against! What I've been through! :'''Stanley''': No, no! You don't understand what ''I've'' been through! I've been to prison in three different countries! I once had to chew my way out of the trunk of a car! You think you've got problems? ''I've got a mullet, Stanford''! Meanwhile, where have you been? Living it up in your fancy house in the woods! Selfishly hoarding your college money, because you only care about yourself! :'''Stanford''': [indignant and furious] I'm selfish? ''I'm'' selfish, Stanley?! How can you say that to me after ''costing me my dream school''?! I'm giving you a chance to do the first worthwhile thing in your life and you won't even listen! :'''Stanley''': Well, listen to this: You want me to get rid of this book? Fine! I'll get rid of it for you! [he pulls out a lighter and brings it to Journal 3] :'''Ford''': No! (Grabs the journal) You don't understand! :'''Stan''': (Takes it back) You said you wanted me to have it so I'll do what I want with it! :'''Ford''': My research! (Tackles Stan, then runs for the journal, but Stan trips him. Ford runs after him) Stanley, give it back! (Pushes him onto some of the buttons) :'''Stan''': You want it back, you're gonna have to try harder than that! The portal turns on. :'''Stan''': (Trying to pull the journal away from Ford) You left me behind, you jerk! It was supposed to be us forever, you ruined my life! :'''Ford''': You ruined your own life! (Kicks him into the side of the control panel, branding the symbol onto his back. Stan screams and falls to the floor) Stanley! Oh my gosh I'm so sorry! Are you alr- Stan punches Ford, who stumbles backward and trips over the lever. Stan follows him. :'''Stan''': Some brother you turned out to be. You care more about your dumb mysteries than your family? Well then YOU CAN HAVE 'EM. (Shoves Ford back into the portal light, and he starts getting sucked into it) Whoa, whoa, hey, what's going on? Hey, hey, Stanford- :'''Ford''': Stanley! Stanley, help me! :'''Stan''': Oh, no, what do I do?!! :'''Ford''': Stanley! Stanley! Do something! STANLEY! (Throws Journal 1 at Stan and disappears into the portal) A flash of white engulfs everything. When it fades, Stan is lying on the floor. :'''Stan''': Stanford? Ford's glasses fall onto the floor. :'''Stan''': (Runs to the portal) Stanford, come back! I-I DIDN'T MEAN IT! (Pounds on the side of the portal) The portal turns off. :'''Stan''': (Runs to the lever and tries to pull it to no avail) I just got him back! I can't lose him again! Ah, come on! STANFORD! (Echoes into the portal; voice-over from the present:) I'd lost him. I didn't know if he was dead or alive in some distant galaxy, but I knew his journal must have the answer to getting him back. Somehow. ===''Dungeons, Dungeons & More Dungeons'' [2.13]=== :'''Dipper''': Grunkle Stan, all summer long I've wanted to know who the author of the journal was. Now the guy lives in our basement and I can't even talk to him. <hr width=50%> :'''Dipper''': Mabel! You'll never guess what I found at the store today! :'''Mabel''': Dogs! Dogs with hats! :'''Dipper''' No, it's my favorite fantasy-talking, level-counting, statistics and graph paper-involving game of all time: ''[holding up the boxed game]'' Dungeons, Dungeons & More Dungeons! You wanna play it with me? :'''Mabel''': Well, I do like unicorns, and that hot elf looks promising. How do you play? :'''Dipper''' The rules are simple. ''[opens game book; Mabel's enthusiasm fades as he reads]'' First, you roll a 38-sided die to determine the level of each player's statistical analysis poweroid. These orbs relate directly to the amount of quadrants that your team has dominion over, which is inverse to the anti-quadrants in your quadrant satchel. :'''Mabel''': ''[happy again]'' And then we ride unicorns? :'''Dipper''': Yes! ''[Mabel gasps happily]'' And no. ''[she frowns]'' First we make a graph. ''[holds up graph paper]'' :'''Mabel''': Uuugh! This is like Homework: The Game! <hr width=50%> :'''Ford''': My boy, do you know what this means? We must stop everything I've been working on at once... and PLAY! <hr width=50%> :''[Probabilitor turns Dipper and Ford into tiny elf characters]'' :'''Ford''': Ah! My ears! They're so pointy! :'''Dipper''': There better be something protective under this tunic... ''[checks]'' OH, NO, THERE ISN'T! <hr width=50%> :'''Ford''': The Impossibeast! Hey, I thought they banned this character! :'''Probabilitor''': Think again! I'm playing the controversial 1991-1992 edition! <hr width=50%> :'''Ford''': Dipper, can I tell you something? :''[Dipper nods]'': :'''Ford''': You asked me earlier what I was working on. Well, ''(pulls a curtain down to reveal the portal is gone)'' I dismantled the portal. An interdimensional gateway is too dangerous for the world it feeds into. That's why I was mad at Stan for using it. He saved me but, as I feared, the instability of the machine created this: (''Holds up a transparent sphere with a blob in it)'' an interdimensional rift. I've contained it for now, but it's incredibly dangerous. Dipper, I don't want you to tell anyone about this. Not Stan, not even your sister. You understand? :'''Dipper''': Oh-uh, of course. :'''Ford''': In my time I've made many powerful enemies, but I trust you with this secret. Now get yourself to bed. I have much research to do. :'''Dipper''': Goodnight, Great uncle Ford. :'''Ford''': Goodnight, Dipper. ===''The Stanchurian Candidate'' [2.14]=== :'''Dipper''': ''[reading from parchment]'' Okay, Gravity Falls elections are based on two events. The Wednesday Stump Speech, held on an actual... stump, and the Friday Debate, wherein townsfolk throw birdseed at the candidate they like most. At the end, they release a "freedom eagle" who will fly to the candidate covered in more seed and bestow a birdly ''kiss'' upon him, anointing him mayor. ''[awkward pause]'' I couldn't make this up if I wanted to. ---- :'''Mabel''': Okay Grunkle Stan, are you ready for your first radio interview? :'''Stan''': I got my mouth, don't I? ---- :''[Dipper starts worrying about Stan in Ford's basement]'' :'''Dipper''': And he's insisting on speaking his mind! ''[Ford is reading Journal 2 on his desk with a missing ripped page]'' :'''Ford''': So this ''is'' an emergency. :'''Dipper''': The Stump Speech is in a couple of days, and if he continues like this, we'll lose to Bud for sure. :'''Ford''': ''[thinking]'' Hmm. It's a shame there isn't some device that will allow you to [[brainwashing|control someone else]]. ''[opens his drawer]'' Oh, wait! Of course, yes. There is. ''[Shows Dipper a red and blue striped tie]'' A long time ago, I designed a prototype for [[Ronald Reagan]]'s masters. Just get Stan to wear this, and you can make him a literal talking head. :'''Dipper''': ''[peers inside the tie]'' Whoa, this is amazing! And ethically [[ambiguity|ambiguous]]! :'''Ford''': ''[gives another blue striped tie to Dipper]'' As long as you wear the matching one, he'll say and do whatever you want him to. :'''Dipper''': Thank you, Great Uncle Ford! ''[runs off]'' :'''Ford''': ''[waves, resumes his research]'' Yes, yes. Use it responsibly and all. ---- :'''Stan''': Hiya there! Stan Pines here. Let's get real. Do you think the women of Gravity Falls wear too much makeup? :'''Dipper''': ''[to Mabel]'' Jump in! Jump in! :''[Turns on the switch]'': :'''Stan''': ''[Under Mabel's control]'' Uh, what I meant to say was: you ladies all look great. And have you done something with your hair? Girl, you are working it! ''[Snaps his fingers]'' I'm Stan Pines. You may know me as the guy who accidentally let all those bees loose in that elementary school a few years back. ''[Dipper quickly pulls the tie off of Mabel and puts it on, gaining control of Stan]'' But I believe in things. America. Freedom. Ameri-freedom! Like my opponent pointed out, I may not have a pretty face, but if you want a candidate that will listen to you, well, I'm proud to be all ears. ---- :'''Dipper, Mabel, Stan and Soos''': YES WE STAN! YES, WE STAN! ===''The Last Mabelcorn'' [2.15]=== :'''Wendy''': Look, it's time we stop trying to be so "perfect" and be who we really are. We're crazed, angry, sweaty animals! We're not unicorns, we're WOMEN! ''AND WE TAKE WHAT WE WANT!'' ---- :'''Blue Unicorn''': Yo, C-beth, are you seriously pulling this "pure of heart" scam again? :'''Red Unicorn''': That is messed up, man. :'''Mabel''': Wait, "scam"? :'''Red Unicorn''': Kid, unicorns can't see into your heart. All our dumb horns can do is glow, point towards the nearest rainbow and play rave music! ''[horn lights up and plays music]'' :'''Blue Unicorn''': Yeah, the whole "pure of heart" racket is just a line we use to get humans to leave us alone. :'''Celestabellebethabelle''': ''[awkwardly]'' Guuuuys, shut uuuup! :'''Mabel''': ''[angrily]'' All this time... all this time I thought I was a bad person. ''[crushes her notepad]'' But you're even '''''worse''''' than I am! :'''Celestabellebethabelle''': Okay, fine! So you learned our secret. We're jerks, okay? We have more hair than we know what to do with, and we keep it to ourselves just to tick humans off! What are you gonna do about it? Huh? Huh?! What are you gonna do?! :''[Mabel punches her on the nose, making it leak rainbow-coloured blood. She and her friends look shocked for a moment]'' :'''Wendy''': Woo! Go, Mabel! :'''Grenda''': Join the dark side! ---- :'''Ford''': Bill! You lied to me! Where does that portal really lead?! :'''Bill''': Hoho! Looks like Mr. Brainiac finally got smart! Let's just say that when that portal finishes charging up, your dimension is gonna learn how to party! Right, guys? :''[Dark shapes cackle from inside the portal]'' :'''Ford''': No! I'll stop you! I'll shut it down! :'''Bill''': A deal's a deal, Sixer! You can't stop a bridge between our worlds from coming, but it would be fun to watch you try! Cute, even! ---- :'''Ford''': To Bill, it's just a game, but to us it would mean... ''THE END OF OUR WORLD!'' ---- :'''Ford''': You've protected your family. You're a good person, Mabel. :'''Mabel''': Thanks, Grunkle Ford, but today I learned that morality is relative. :'''Stan ''': ''[runs past, grabbing a pile of gold]'' MONEY! ———- : '''Shady gnome''':[trades 2 bags for one larger one] ''Two bags of fairy dust, just like we agreed '' :'''Grenda''': [checks bags] ''Where do you get this stuff?'' : '''Shady gnome''': ''Everyone likes sausage but no one likes to know how it’s made.'' :'''Grenda''':[Takes off shades] ''You disgust me.'' ===''Roadside Attraction'' [2.16]=== :'''Stan''': Kid, I gotta admit something. I'm no expert on women. Truth is, I've been divorced once, and slapped more times than I can remember. Confidence can buy you a lot, but at the end of the day, pickup artists tend to get our heads bitten off. When it comes to women, I'm a failure. :'''Dipper''': Hey. ''[points to his arm]'' We're both failures. ---- :'''Darlene''': You win this round, Stan! But mark my words, as long as there's men like you out there, with their dumb one-liners and pickup moves, I'll never run out of prey! ---- :''[Stan's RV enters Gravity Falls. The kids cheer]'' :'''Dipper''': I still feel a little bad about wrecking those tourist traps. :'''Stan''': Aw, come on! Everyone loves my pranks. And the best part is, I never have to face any consequen-- SWEET LORD!! ''[Stan stops the RV and sees the Mystery Shack already vandalised by the three tourist trap owners]'' AH, ''COME ON''!! :''[closeup on graffiti: "Stan is a HACK!"; "Stan is a BUTT: Granny Sweetkins says eat it <u>Pines</u>!"; the Upside-Down Town boss rotates the gift shop sign upside-down as payback; the Corn Maze Worker breaks one headlight on Stan's RV with a baseball ball]'' :'''Corn Maze Worker''': That's what you get! That's what you '''get'''! ''[laughs mischievously as he runs off with the other trap owners]'' :'''Stan''': I don't understand. I ''completely'' don't deserve this! :'''Dipper''': Oh, man, are we gonna have to help clean this up? :'''Mabel''': Nah, I'm sure Soos will take care of it. Where is Soos, anyway? :''[post-credits scene: Soos is still stuck in the Corn Maze]'' :'''Soos''': Okay, Soos, remember what your grandma taught you. When you get lost, stay exactly where you are, and don't move. ''[pause]'' Don't...move...! ''[another long pause]'' You know, I would make a really good scarecrow. ===''Dipper and Mabel vs. the Future'' [2.17]=== :''[At the Gravity Falls High School]'' :'''Wendy''': My dawgs! What up? :'''Mabel''': Wendy, what are you doing here? :'''Wendy''': Ugh, high school registration. :'''Mabel''': Ooh! You know, I'm only a year away from high school myself. Would you say your experience is more "rom-com", or "wacky romp"? :'''Wendy''': More like "teen horror movie"! High school is the worst. Classes get super-hard, your body just flat out turns against you, and worst of all, everybody hates you! ''[gestures towards two girls snarling at each other]'' :'''Thompson''': ''[huddled against a wall]'' Can't do it! CAN'T DO ANOTHER YEAR! :'''Robbie''': My hormones are like a SWEATY CAGE! ''[punches a bulletin board]'' :'''Mabel''': Why aren't they singing about following their dreams? TV taught me that high school was like some sort of musical... :'''Wendy''': TV lied, man! If you can avoid growing up, do it! I'd give anything to be twelve again. ---- :'''Mabel''': Tell me it's not true, Dipper. Tell me you were joking. ''(holds up the walkie-talkie, through which she heard Dipper and Ford's conversation)'' Ford's apprentice? Seriously?! :'''Dipper''': Look, I was thinking, and... this is a huge opportunity for me. :'''Mabel''': ''(starting to cry)'' Well, it's a ''horrible'' opportunity for ''me!'' I had the worst day of my life! When we turn thirteen, summer ends and I have to leave everything behind. You're the only person I could count on, and now you're leaving me too?! :'''Dipper''': Look, I've been thinking about it. I won't be gone forever, okay? I'll still visit you at home, and we'll chat online. We'll make it work. :'''Mabel''': I don't want it to work! I just wish summer could last forever... :'''Dipper''': But it can't, Mabel. Look, things aren't gonna stay frozen this way. It's part of growing up. Things change. Summer ends. :''(Mabel glances at Dipper, pushes him away and runs off crying)'' :'''Dipper''': Mabel, wait! I didn't mean it like that! Mabel, come back! ---- :'''"Blendin"''': Look, maybe it's against the rules, but you once did a favor for me, so I thought I could help you out! It's called a Time Bubble. It prevents time from going forward. Summer in Gravity Falls can last as long as you want it to! :'''Mabel''': R-really? But how does it work? :'''"Blendin"''': I-I just need you to get a little gizmo for me from your uncle. ''(shows the rift)'' Something small; he won't even know it's missing. :'''Mabel''': Huh...Maybe Dipper has something like that in his nerd bag. ''(takes out the rift)'' Huh, that's...odd. Is this it? :'''"Blendin"''': Yes, that's it! Just hand it over and I'll do my thing...unless you're ready to leave Gravity Falls? :'''Mabel''': ''(wistfully)'' Just a little more summer...''(hands over the rift)'' :'''"Blendin"''': '''''OOPS!''''' ''(drops the rift and smashes it with his boot)'' :'''Mabel''': What?! :''(Blendin cackles, taking off his goggles to show he is possessed by Bill Cipher)'' :'''Mabel''': Oh, no! Wait, wait, wait! :''(Bill snaps his fingers, knocking Mabel out. Cackling, he emerges from Blendin's body)'' :'''Bill''': At last! At long, long last! The gate between worlds has opened! The event one billion years prophesied has come to pass! The day has come! '''''THE WORLD IS FINALLY MINE!''''' ===''Weirdmageddon Part 1'' [2.18]=== :''[As Bill Cipher towers over Gravity Falls and its citizens]'' :'''Bill''': '''All right, listen up, you one-lifespan, three-dimensional, five-sense skin puppets!''' For one trillion years I've been trapped in my own decaying dimension, waiting for a new universe to call my own. Name's Bill! But you can call me your new lord and master for all of eternity! :''[he melts the statue of Nathaniel Northwest in front of Deputy Durland, Sheriff Blubs and Mayor Tyler]'' :'''Bill''': Now meet the gang of interdimensional criminals and nightmares I call my friends: ''[as various creatures come out of the scar in the sky]'' 8 Ball! Kryptos! The being whose name must never be said! ''[it lands down]'' Haha, what the heck? It's Xanthar! Then, of course, there's also Teeth, Keyhole, Hectorgon, Amorphous Shape, Pyronica, Paci-Fire and these guys. This is our town now, boys! ''[all his friends start cackling out loud]'' :'''Mayor Tyler''': Now see here, you unholy triangle fella! As mayor, I strongly urge you to git... git on out of here! :'''Lazy Susan''': Yeah! Things with one eye are weird! :'''Grenda''': We don't like out-of-towners! :'''Manly Dan''': ''[ripping a mailbox in half]'' AND WE PUNCH WHAT WE DON'T UNDERSTAND!!! :'''Mr. Northwest''': I would just like to say that as a rich capitalist, I welcome your tyrannical rule. Perhaps I could be one of your... Horsemen of the Apocalypse? :'''Pacifica''': ''[angrily]'' Dad! :'''Mr. Northwest''': Not now, sweetie. The grownups are talking. :'''Bill''': ''[sarcastic]'' Oh, wow, that's a great offer. How 'bout instead, I shuffle the functions of every hole in your face?! :''[He clicks his fingers, and Mr. Northwest's face is suddenly grotesquely mixed up; he falls to the ground, giving out muffled screams as his family watches in horror; Bill cackles]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Bill''': This party never stops! Time is dead and meaning has no meaning! Existence is upside-down and I reign supreme! Welcome, one and all, '''''TO WEIRDMAGEDDON!!!''''' <hr width=50%> :'''Ford''': So, this is how the world ends. Not with a bang, but with a... ''[twirls finger in a "cuckoo" motion]'' "boop-boop!" <hr width=50%> :'''Ford''': I'll die before I join you! I know your weakness, Bill! :'''Bill''': Oh, yeah? And I know a riddle: Why did the old man do this? ''(holds his arms at his sides vertically)'' :'''Ford''': ''(copying Bill's pose)'' "This?" ''(Bill suddenly turns him into a gold statue)'' :'''Bill''': Because I needed a new backscratcher! ''(Laughs with the Henchmaniacs)'' :'''Dipper''': That's ''ENOUGH!'' Hand over my uncle! ''(Holds up Journal 3)'' Or else! :'''Bill''': Now isn't...this...<big>'''''INTERESTING?!'''''</big> ''(teleports right in front of Dipper)'' My old puppet is back for an encore! ''(dangles the petrified Ford)'' You think ''you'' can stop me? Go ahead, Pinetree, show me what you got! :'''Dipper''': ''(flips through Journal 3)'' I...uh, I...''(sees a blacklight entry on Bill saying "IF HE GAINS PHYSICAL FORM THEN ALL IS LOST!")'' :'''Bill''': ''(mockingly)'' "I, um, I--" Do it, kid! Do some ''brilliant'' thing that takes me down right now! Whaddya got, Pinetree? Everyone's waiting! ''DO IT!'' :'''Dipper''': ''BILL--!!'' ''(lunges at Bill, who effortlessly blasts him into a tree. The Henchmaniacs jeer)'' :'''Bill''': ''(levitates the Journals)'' That's right. Don't be a hero, kid! ''(shows Ford) This'' is what happens to heroes in ''my'' world! ''(Sets the Journals aflame)'' :'''Dipper''': ''NO!!'' The Journals! :'''Bill''': Not much of a threat now, are you? <hr width=50%> :''[Bill and his friends party in the Fearamid]'' :'''Bill''': ''[cackles]'' Go nuts, guys! When we're done partying, I unveil Phase 2. :''[Pounding is heard]'' :'''Voice''': Open up! This is the police. Time Police! :'''Bill''': Just play it cool, ditch the time-punch. Let me do the talking. :''[The Time Police and Time Baby blast in through the front doors]'' :'''Lolph''': Bill Cipher, you are in violation of the rules of space-time, and possessing the body of a time officer. :'''Blendin''': My body is a temple! How dare you! :'''Time Baby''': Hear this, Cipher. :'''Bill''': Ugh, Time Baby. :'''Time Baby''': If your rip in this dimension continues, it could destroy the very fabric of existence. Surrender now, or face my tantrum. :'''Bill''': ''[sarcastic]'' Oh no, a tantrum! Whatever will I do about that? '''HOW 'BOUT THIS?!?!''' <big>'''''BOOM!!!'''''</big> :''[He points at Time Baby and the police, instantly vaporizing them; eye turns into a mouth and blows the smoke off his finger]'' :'''Kryptos''': Ah, snap! He just killed Time Baby! ''[they all start partying again; Blendin hides behind a pole]'' :'''Blendin''': Aw, man! This has gone from bad to worse! I gotta get outta time-dodge! ''[uses his time tape and disappears]'' ===''Weirdmageddon 2: Escape from Reality'' [2.19]=== :'''Bill''': Ladies, gentlemen, that creature with like eighty-seven different faces... :'''Creature''': Eighty-''eight'' different faces!! :'''Bill''': Whoa-ho, sorry! Touchy subject. Anyways, it's been fun turning Gravity Falls inside out, rounding up all its terrified citizens and then stacking them into this massive throne of frozen human agony! Don't worry, they're not conscious anymore... probably. :'''Lazy Susan''': ''[groans, unfreezes]'' Uh, my omelettes. They... have friendly faces. :'''Bill''': Whoops. Hehe, back, back you go there. ''[pats her back, she turns back into stone]'' But Gravity Falls is just the beginning. It's time to take our chaos worldwide! All right, boys, to the corners of the Earth! Set the world aflame with your weirdness! This dimension is ours! ''[the creatures fly out of the pyramid]'' Ah, global domination. I could get used to- ''[the creatures slam into the forcefield]'' '''WHAT?!''' ''[flies out and touches the forcefield]'' Hmm. This might be more complicated than I thought. :'''Paci-Fire''': I think I broke something. :'''Bill''': '''''WALK IT OFF!!''''' <hr width=50%> :'''Bill''': ''(summons a thunderstorm as the Henchmaniacs flee in terror)'' Alright, can anyone explain to me why, even with our newfound <big>'''''INFINITE POWER'''''</big>, none of us can escape the borders of this '''''STUPID HICK TOWN?!''''' There's some kind of forcefield keeping us in, but who would know how to fix it? ''(looks at the petrified Ford)'' Hmm. ''(his eye cycles through images of the Journals)'' Maybe ''someone'' needs to come out of retirement. :'''Keyhole''': Bill! Sorry, Boss, but Gideon let the Pines family escape! They're inside Mabel's bubble as we speak! :'''Bill''': ''(laughs)'' Buddy, Mabel's bubble is the most diabolical trap I've ever created. It would take a will of ''titanium'' not to give into its temptation! Fetch me Gideon and take the rest of the day off. ''(Looks at Mabel's bubble in the distance)'' Things just got a little more interesting... <hr width=50%> :'''Dipper''': ''[pants]'' Oh my gosh! This is crazy. I'm-I'm losing my mind. We have to get out of here. We have to go back... to the real ''world''!! :''[many people and Mabel gasp out of earshot; Waffle Guards tackle Dipper down on the ground]'' :'''Dipper''': Hey! :'''Waffle Guard''': Under Article Smiley Face of Exhibit Squeaky Duck, you are hereby accused of breaking our one rule—mentioning reality. ''[people mutter indistinctly]'' Prepare to be banished from this land forever! ''[open a portal out to much-destroyed Gravity Falls]'' :'''Dipper''': Mabel!! You're smarter than this!! Bill has you hypnotized or something!! Are you really gonna let them banish me!?! :'''Mabel''': No! Of course not! That's my brother, guys! There's gotta be another way. :'''Waffle Guard''': Very well. If Dipper wishes to stay, he must plead his case in the ultimate trial... of fantasy vs. reality. ''[is bitten by Soos]'' Hey! Seriously?! :'''Soos''': ''[pointing to a stuffed rhino]'' It was him. <hr width=50%> :'''Dipper''': Mabel, listen to yourself! This is crazy! I'm sorry about our fight, and I'm sorry things aren't great right now, but that doesn't mean you can stay in here forever! :'''Dippy Fresh''': Hey, take a chill pill! Those grow on trees here! :'''Dipper''': ''[angry]'' You stay outta this, Dippy Fresh! :'''Soos''': Dude calm down, Dippy Fresh didn't do anything to you, dog! <hr width=50%> :'''Dipper''': Look, real life stinks sometimes, okay, I'm not gonna lie. But there's a better way to get through it than denial, and that's with help from people who care about you. <hr width=50%> :'''Dipper''': Mabel, I thought ''you'' were living a fantasy, but look at me! I actually thought I was gonna stay here and be Ford's apprentice! Spend my entire teens cooped up in a basement with a labcoat? How ridiculous is that? I don't know what's gonna happen in the future, but whatever it is, you don't have to fear because we'll do it together. I'm not taking Ford's apprenticeship. We've traveled to Heck and back to get you and we're goin' back together. Leave this fantasy world. Let's beat Bill and grow up together. :'''Judge Kitty Kitty Meow Meow Face-Shwartstein''': ORDER! ORDER! (Bangs mallet) ORDER IN THE COURT! DANG IT why is this hammer squeaky?! :'''Mabel''': You mean it? You're really coming home with me? :'''Dipper''': Yes. Definitely. Absolutely. Awkward sibling hug? :''[Crowd shrieks]'' :'''Blue Bird''': Just don't do it! :'''Craz''': DON'T DO IT! :'''Judge Kitty Kitty Meow Meow Face-Shwartstein''': You do this and it's all over! :'''Mabel''': Sincere sibling hug. (Hugs Dipper) :'''Judge Kitty Kitty Meow Meow Face-Shwartstein''': DON'T DO THE PATS! :'''Dipper and Mabel''': (Pat each other) Pat pat. (A ripple comes from their spot, blowing Judge Kitty Kitty Meow Meow Face-Shwartstein's wig away and one of the benches falls over. All of the jurors disappear) :'''Mabel''': (Rubs eyes) Aw, man, I never noticed how bright this place is, ugh! Have I actually been listening to the same song for an entire week? <hr width=50%> :''[Xyler and Craz emerge from a pile of confetti]'' :'''Xyler''': Whoa! We survived! ''[they stand up, Craz spits confetti]'' :'''Craz''': But where are we? ''[they walk to a bench and sit down]'' :'''Xyler''': Are we real? Is this reality? ''[they observe Gravity Falls in its chaos and destruction]'' [[Cats]] postulated that every existing thing is born without reason, prolongs itself out of weakness, and dies by chance. :'''Craz''': Totally righteous, bro! :'''Xyler''': I know! ===''Weirdmageddon 3: Take Back The Falls'' [2.20]=== :'''Larry King's Head''': Hey, is anyone gon' feed me? Larry King's disembodied wax head needs num-nums. <hr width="50%"> :'''Stan''': Since the Mayor got captured, I elected myself de-facto Chief. The plan's to stay in here and eat brown meat until we run out. Then I vote we eat the gnomes. :'''Jeff the Gnome''': Hey! I'm short, not deaf! :'''Stan''': Shh, shh! Stress will make you chewy! <hr width="50%"> :'''Bill''': Listen, Ford, if you just tell me that equation, finally your dimension will be free. ''(projects an image of himself and the Henchmaniacs wreaking havoc on Earth and the universe)'' Anything will be possible. I'll remake a fun world, a better world. A party that never ends with a host that never dies! No more restrictions! No more laws! ''(Shows a maniacal, galaxy-sized Ford in the center of the Milky Way)'' You'd be one of us. All-powerful. Greater than anything you've imagined! And all I need is your help. :'''Ford''': You're insane if you think I'll help you! :'''Bill''': ''(laughs)'' I'm insane either way, braniac! But have it your way. I'll just fish around and get that equation ''directly out of your mind! (prepares to enter Ford's mind)'' :'''Ford''': Not so fast! You know the rules, Bill. ''(Bill returns to physical form)'' You may be able to haunt my dreams, but you can't enter my mind unless I shake your hand and let you in! :'''Bill''': ''(sighs, chains Ford up)'' You're making this so much harder than it needs to be. Everyone has a weakness, tough guy! I'll make you talk. It's only a matter of time! ''(Ford screams in terror)'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Soos''': Question: does it have any gun-swords? I watch a lot of anime and, trust me, you're going to want some gun-swords. :'''McGucket''': What's an anime? :'''Soos''': We have much to discuss. :'''Stan''': Discuss nothing! These scribbles are a bunch of cockamamie balderdash! Excuse my French. :'''French Lilliputian''': Je ne sais quoi sacrebleu au revoir! ''[Subtitles: I don't believe that was French.]'' <hr width="50%"> :''[The Gravity Falls rebels confront Bill's gang in the "Shacktron"]'' :'''Soos''': ''[through a microphone]'' Uh, hey, dudes! Is this thing on? Test! ''[feedback screeches, annoying the demons]'' Heh. Uh, I just wanted you monster dudes to hand over Ford, or we'll have to, like, fight and junk. Heh. ''[pointing at Paci-Fire]'' Hey, you're a little cutie. :'''Paci-Fire''': ''[darkly]'' I have butchered millions on countless moons. :'''Soos''': Whoa. I liked you better before you talked. Real... real bring-down, this guy. <hr width-"50%> :''[After the "Shacktron" defeats Bill's Henchmaniacs]'' :'''Bill''': ''(frustrated)'' Guys, seriously? You had, like, ''one'' job to do here! :'''Ford''': Bravo, Dipper and Mabel! :'''Bill''': ...Well, would you look at that! Those kids really care about you. And you care about them. <big>'''''DON'T YOU?!'''''</big> :'''Ford''': What are you--? Oh. Oh, no! :'''Bill''': Perhaps torturing those kids'll make you talk! <hr width="50%"> :''[Grenda rips out Bill's eye with the Shacktron]'' :'''Bill''': AAAARGH! My eye! Do you have any idea how long it takes to regenerate that?! <hr width="50%"> :'''Bill''': You two wait here! I've got some children I need to make into corpses! ''[morphs into a huge, red, multi-armed form]'' '''SEE YA REAL SOON!''' <hr width="50%"> :'''Bill''': When I get my hands on you kids, I'm gonna disassemble your molecules! <hr width="50%"> :'''Stan''': Ohh, I can't believe this! The kids are gonna die and it's all my fault! ''[drops down]'' Because I couldn't shake your stupid hand! Ugh, Dad was right about me. I am a screwup. :'''Ford''': ''[sighs]'' Don't blame yourself. I'm the one who made a deal with Bill in the first place. I fell for all his easy flattery. You would've seen him for the scam artist he is. ''[drinks from "water" flask]'' :'''Stan''': How did things get so messed up between us? :'''Ford''': We used to be like Dipper and Mabel. The world's about to end and they still work together. How do they do it? :'''Stan''': Easy. They're kids. They don't know any better. ''[Ford stands up]'' Whoa, where are you going? :'''Ford''': I'm gonna play the only card we have left: let Bill into my mind. He'll be able to take over the galaxy and maybe even worse! But at least he might let the kids free. :'''Stan''': What?! Are you kidding me?! Are you honestly telling me there's nothing else we can do?! :'''Ford''': Bill's only weak in the mindspace. If I didn't have this darn plate in my head, we could just erase him with the memory gun when he steps inside my mind. :'''Stan''': ''[beat]'' What if he goes in my mind? My brain isn't good for anything. :'''Ford''': ''[chuckles]'' There's nothing in your mind he wants. It has to be me. We need to take his deal. It's the only way he'll agree to save you and the kids. :'''Stan''': Do you really think he's gonna make good on that deal? :'''Ford''': What other choice do we have? <hr width="50%" /> :'''Bill''': ''[holding on to terrified twins]'' All right, Ford, time's up! I've got the kids! I think I'm gonna kill one of them right now, just for the heck of it! ''[eye scrolls between the tree image from Dipper's hat and the shooting star from Mabel's sweater]'' EENY... MEENY... MINEY... ''[eye seems to settle on Mabel]'' '''YOU!!!''' ''["Ford" interrupts him]'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Bill''': Oh, I'm here! I'm finally here! Look at this place - a perfect, calm, orderly void. Gotta hand it to you, Ford. You really know how to clean your mi-- ''[opens the door to reveal Stan sitting in a chair playing with a paddleball]'' :'''Stan''': ''[Makes a clicking sound and points a finger-gun at Bill]'' :'''Bill''': '''''WHAT?!''''' :'''Stan''': Heh-heh! Do a pretty good impression of my brother, don't I? Switch clothes and no one can tell us apart! Welcome to my mind. Surprised you didn't recognize it. :''[Outside of Stan's mind, Ford pulls out the memory gun and reluctantly aims it at Stan]'' :'''Bill''': What?! The deal's off! ''[turns to leave, but the door slams shut and blue flames begin to fill the room]'' What the--?! No, no, no, NO! :'''Stan''': Oh, yeah. You're goin' down, Bill. You're getting erased. Memory gun. Pretty clever, huh? :'''Bill''': ''[panicked]'' Y-you idiot! Don't you realize you're destroying your own mind too?! :'''Stan''': ''[shrugging]'' Eh. It's not like I was using this space for much anyway. :'''Bill''': Let me outta here! Let me OUT! ''[tries to use his powers, to no avail]'' Why isn't this working?! :'''Stan''': Hey, look at me. ''[angrily]'' Turn around and ''look at me'', you one-eyed demon! You're a real wise-guy, but you made one fatal mistake: you messed with my family! :'''Bill''': ''You're'' making a mistake! I'll give you anything! Money, fame, riches, infinite power, your own galaxy! Please! No...! '''WHAT'S HAPPENING TO ME...?!''' ''[begins rapidly warping between several forms; screams distorted words that, when played in reverse, are revealed to be:]'' '''A-X-O-L-O-T-L! MY TIME HAS COME TO BURN! I INVOKE THE ANCIENT POWER THAT I MAY RETURN!''' <big>'''''STANLEEEEY...!!!'''''</big> ''[Stan punches Bill in the eye, making him dissolve into nothing with a final scream]'' :'''Stan''': ''[before being engulfed by the flames, he fondly looks at a picture of him with Dipper, Mabel and Waddles]'' Heh. Guess I was good for something after all. <hr width="50%"> :''[last lines of the series]'' :'''Dipper''': ''[voiceover]'' If you've ever taken a road trip through the Pacific Northwest, you've probably seen a bumper sticker for a place called Gravity Falls. It's not on any maps, and most people have never heard of it. Some people think it's a myth. But if you're curious, don't wait. Take a trip. Find it. It's out there somewhere in the woods, waiting. ==Cast== *[[w:Jason Ritter|Jason Ritter]] – Dipper Pines *[[w:Kirsten Schaal|Kirsten Schaal]] – Mabel Pines *[[w:Alex Hirsch|Alex Hirsch]] – Grunkle Stan/Soos/Bill Cipher *[[w:Linda Cardellini|Linda Cardellini]] – Wendy Corduroy *[[w:J. K. Simmons|J. K. Simmons]] - Ford Pines ==External links== {{wikipedia}} [[Category:2010s American animated TV shows]] [[Category:Traditionally animated TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated drama TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated fantasy TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated mystery TV shows]] [[Category:Cancelled shows]] [[Category:Disney Channel shows]] [[Category:Disney XD shows]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about children]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about families]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about siblings]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about twins]] [[Category:Television series by Disney Television Animation]] 2sv6e1finz8i71t5drneppqc7s51k34 0 137361 3153076 3139516 2022-08-10T01:16:34Z Eaglestorm 16205 LOQ trim 15 for 176 ONLY: reducing redundancy wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Waves of paratroops land in Holland.jpg|right|225px|thumb|[[w:Operation Market Garden|Operation Market Garden]]<br>Whats the best way to take a bridge?<br>Both ends at once...]] {{italic title}} '''''[[w:A Bridge Too Far (film)|A Bridge Too Far]]''''' is a [[w:1977 in film|1977 epic war film]] that provides an historic telling of the failed attempt to capture several bridges to Germany in World War II in a campaign called [[w:Operation Market-Garden|Operation Market-Garden]]. The film has achieved classic status as it covered the entire operation, from all sides, British, American, German, Polish and Dutch. :''Directed by [[w:Richard Attenborough|Richard Attenborough]]. Written by [[w:William Goldman|William Goldman]], based on [[w:A Bridge Too Far (novel)|the novel]] by [[w:Cornelius Ryan|Cornelius Ryan]].'' <center>'''Out of the sky comes the screen's most incredible spectacle of men and war!'''</center> :''[Note: any German dialogue are translations of the spoken text]'' == Dialogue == :'''Generalfeldmarschall Model's aide''': Field Marshal, pardon me for interrupting, but ... British paratroops have apparently landed ... three kilometres from here. :'''Generalfeldmarschall Walther Model''': Why should they do that? There is nothing valuable here. ... ''Me!'' ''I'' am valuable here. They have all come just to capture me. ''[stands from his lunch and moves to the door]'' Get my driver and car. :'''Aide''': Yes, Herr Marshal! :'''Model''': Evacuate my headquarters! :'''Aide''': Yes, sir! :'''Model''': ''[pops back in and shouts]'' And don't forget my cigars! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Capt. Arie D. "Harry" Bestebreurtje''': Why the emergency meeting? :'''Brig. Gen. James Gavin''': Just keeping me abreast of the little changes. :'''Bestebreurtje''': How big are the little changes? :'''Gavin''': I'll answer with typical British understatement: gigantic. For example, they can't get us all in at once. Too many men, too much equipment, not enough planes. It's gonna take three days to get the men into Arnhem, Poles and the British. :'''Bestebreurtje''': Well, what about us? :'''Gavin''': We'll be all right. Aside from the fact that we're parachuting in daylight, we have nothing to worry about. :'''Bestebreurtje''': Daylight? Has it ever been tried before? :'''Gavin''': Not in a major drop. :'''Bestebreurtje''': You think there might be a reason for that? :'''Gavin''': Let's hope not. :'''Bestebreurtje''': What do you think? :'''Gavin''': It'll be all right. It's a no-moon period anyway. We have to go in daylight. It doesn't matter. Just so they get us over the target area. Half a mile away, three quarters of a mile, I'll settle for that– :'''Bestebreurtje''': I don't want to hear anything else. Is there anything else? :'''Gavin''': Well, you're my Dutch adviser, Harry. :'''Bestebreurtje''': I forgot to tell you something? :'''Gavin''': Only that the Germans first tried to take Nijmegen bridge themselves back in 1940 and got slaughtered. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Brig. Gen. James Gavin''': What's the best way to take a bridge? :'''Maj. Julian Cook''': Both ends at once. :'''Gavin''': I'm sending two companies across the river by boat. I need a man with very special qualities to lead. :'''Cook''': Go on, sir. :'''Gavin''': He's got to be tough enough to do it and he's got to be experienced enough to do it. Plus one more thing. He's got to be dumb enough to do it... Start getting ready. :'''U.S. captain''': What was all that about, Major? :'''Cook''': Well, someone's come up with a real nightmare. Real nightmare. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Maj. Julian Cook''': I have just been informed that our Nine' O'Clock arrival has been postponed until ten, so you can all have an extra hour of fun and relaxation. :'''U.S. lieutenant''': Major, we got any more information on those boats? :'''Cook''': I have been reliably informed that they float. Outside of that we don't know squat. Not how many, not how heavy, not how big. We are sure that the river is wide and the current is strong and if there is any more cheery information that comes along I'll just be too happy to pass it along. In the meantime just think of this as on the job training. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Brig. Gen. James Gavin''': So that's it. We're pulling them out. It was [[w:Nijmegen|Nijmegen]]. :'''Lt. Col. J.O.E. Vandeleur''': It was the single road getting to Nijmegen. :'''Lt. Gen. Brian Horrocks''': No, it was after Nijmegen. :'''Lt. Gen. Frederick "Boy" Browning''': And the fog, in England. :'''Maj. Gen. Stanislaw Sosabowski''': Doesn't matter what it was. When one man says to another, "I know what let's do today, let's play the war game."... everybody dies. [[File:Photograph taken through the window of a troop carrying glider.jpg|right|225px|thumb|Only the weather can stop us now...]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Horrocks''': ''[briefing his XXX Corps officers on Operation Market Garden]'' Gentlemen, this is a story that you shall tell your grandchildren, and mightily bored they'll be. ''[the officers laugh]'' The plan is called "Operation Market Garden". "Market" is the airborne element, and "Garden", the ground forces. That's us. ''[points to a map behind him of Holland, showing the positions of the Allied forces, and the path the Corps will take]'' Now, this is our position on the Belgian border, here. Tomorrow, three airborne divisions will begin landing in Holland. 35,000 men taking off from 24 airfields in troop-carrying planes or towed in gliders. The American 101st, here, around [[w:Eindhoven|Eindhoven]], the American 82nd, here, south of Nijmegen, and our own 1st Airborne boys, and a Polish brigade, here, at [[w:Arnhem|Arnhem]], 64 miles behind enemy lines. Now, their job is to take and hold all the bridges in these three areas. Our job is to punch a hole through the German front line, here, and then drive like hell up this road, linking up with each airborne division on the way. Speed is the vital factor. The plan is to reach Eindhoven in two to three hours, and Arnhem in two to three days. That, gentlemen, is the prize - the bridge over the Rhine, the last bridge between us and Germany. Kickoff will be at 1435 hours tomorrow afternoon. The Irish Guards under the command of Colonel Vandeleur, will take the lead. :'''Vandeleur''': ''[whispering to his cousin/aide]'' Christ, not us again. :'''Horrocks''': What do you say to that, Joe? :'''Vandeleur''': ''[getting up from his chair]'' Uh, delighted, sir. Truly delighted. :''[the officers erupts in laughter again as Horrocks smiles. Vandeleur sits back down]'' :'''Horrocks''': Now, I've selected you to lead us not only because of your extraordinary fighting ability, but also because - in the unlikely event that the Germans ever get you, they will assume from your attire that they've captured a wretched peasant, and immediately send you on your way. :''[the corps laughs at Horrocks' comments; Vandeleur smiles]'' :'''Horrocks''': Now, maintaining the speed of our advance will no doubt be tough going, as it's a single highway. But no matter what, we must reach those 1st Airborne boys in 48 hours. Now, gentlemen, I'm not saying that this will be the easiest party that we've ever attended, but I still wouldn't miss it for the world. ''[pauses]'' I'd like to think of this as one of those American western films. The paratroops, lacking substantial equipment, always short of food - these are the besieged homesteaders, the Germans, well naturally, they're the bad guys, and XXX Corps, we my friends, are the cavalry, on the way to the rescue. :''[the room bursts into applause]'' [[File:British Paratroops inside one of the C-47 transport aircraft.jpg|right|225px|thumb|Gentlemen, this is a story that you shall tell your grandchildren...]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lt. Gen. Frederick Browning''': Only the weather can stop us now. :'''Maj. Gen. Stanislaw Sosabowski''': Weather! ''Christus!'' General Browning, what of the Germans? Don't you think that if we know Arnhem is so critical to their safety that they might know it too? :'''Browning''': Now, look here. The few troops in the area are second-class. They're not frontline caliber, not at all, do you understand? I think you ought to have a little more faith in Montgomery's intelligence reports, you know. He's done pretty well for us in last three or four years. :'''Sosabowski''': I will tell you the extent of my faith. I am thinking of asking for a letter from you stating that I was forced to act under your orders in case my men are massacred. :'''Browning''': I see... I do see. Do you wish such a letter? :'''Sosabowski''': No... No, of course not. In the case of massacre, what difference will it make? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Corp. Hancock''': Sir. ''[Offers mug of tea]'' :'''Maj. Gen. Roy Urquhart''': Hancock. I've got lunatics laughing at me from the woods. My original plan has been scuppered now that the jeeps haven't arrived. My communications are completely broken down. Do you really believe any of that can be helped by a cup of tea? :'''Corp. Hancock''': Couldn't hurt, sir. ''[Urquhart accepts the tea]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Capt. Glass''': My problem is, I'm not totally crazy about the prospect of dying. [[File:Bundesarchiv Bild Wilhelm Bittrich.jpg|right|215px|thumb|Obergruppenführer [[w:Wilhelm Bittrich|Wilhelm Bittrich]]:<br>Flatten Arnhem.]] :'''SSgt. Eddie Dohun''': So don't die. Drinking that garbage isn't gonna keep you alive, is it? :'''Glass''': What is? :'''Dohun''': What is? Well, not gettin' shot. :'''Glass''': What can guarantee that? :'''Dohun''': Nothing, for sure. :'''Glass''': You will. :'''Dohun''': I will what? :'''Glass''': You tell me, Eddie. You tell me I won't die. :'''Dohun''': Alright, you won't die. :'''Glass''': No, no. Guarantee me. I want you to guarantee me I won't die. :'''Dohun''': ''[seriously]'' I guarantee you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''SSgt. Eddie Dohun''': Colonel, if you don't look at him right now, he's going to die. :'''U.S. medical colonel''': He's dead now. :'''Dohun''': It would mean a lot to me, sir, if you'd check him out. :'''U.S. medical colonel''': Come on, Sergeant! For Chrissakes get him out of here! :'''Dohun''':''[briefly goes out, returns]'' Would you look at him please, sir. ''[brandishes .45 Pistol]'' Right now. Or I'll blow your fuckin' head off. ''[cocks the .45]'' Right now. :'''U.S. medical colonel''': I can give him a quick examination if you like. :'''Dohun''': Thank you very much, sir. <hr width="50%"/> :'''U.S. medical colonel''': ''[To military policeman Lt. Rafferty]'' Sergeant Dohun pulled a gun on me and threatened to kill me unless I did precisely what he ordered...I want you to put him under arrest. :'''Lt. Rafferty''': Yes sir. :'''U.S. medical colonel''': I want you to keep him there; I want you to keep him there, for at least ten seconds. :'''Rafferty''': ''[brief pause]'' I'm not all that sure I understand, Colonel. :'''U.S. medical colonel''': Count to ten, Lieutenant, fast. :'''Rafferty''': One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. Like that, sir? :'''U.S. medical colonel''': ''[dismisses him]'' Thank you, Lieutenant. ''[Rafferty salutes and leaves, confused]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gen. Ludwig''': Not possible. :'''Dr. Spaander''': If you would just say yes, it would be very possible. :'''Gen. Ludwig''': Forgive me, but there is a battle. And we are in the process of winning it. :'''Dr. Spaander''': Winning or losing is not a concern. Living or dying is. Cease fire. One hour ... two ... just to evacuate our wounded. Afterwards you can kill us as much as you want. :''[SS-Obergruppenführer Bittrich walks in and admonishes Ludwig, who subsequently removes himself along with the staff]'' :'''Obergruppenführer Bittrich''': ''[in German]'' Your request will be met. The ceasefire will begin at three o'clock. <hr width="50%"/> :''[an SS officer is approaching under a white flag]'' :'''Maj. Harry Carlyle''': Rather interesting development, sir. ''[to the German]'' That's far enough! We can hear you from there! :'''SS Panzer Officer''': My general says there is no point in continuing this fighting! He is willing to discuss a surrender! :''[Short pause; the German waits for an answer, Frost thinks]'' :'''Lt. Col. John Frost''': Tell him to go to hell. :'''Carlyle''': We haven't the proper facilities to take you all prisoner! Sorry! :'''SS Panzer Officer''': ''[confused]'' What? :'''Maj. Harry Carlyle''': We'd like to, but we can't accept your surrender! Was there anything else? :''[German officer walks off silently]'' :'''Frost''': Right. :''[the officer returns across the bridge to Obergruppenführer Bittrich]'' :'''SS Panzer Officer''': Mein Herr General.... ''[dejectedly enters shotgun seat of General Bittrich's staff car]'' And now? :'''Obergruppenführer Bittrich''': ''[slowly]'' Flatten Arnhem. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lt. Col. John Frost''': Hello, Harry. :'''Maj. Harry Carlyle''': Hello. Johnny. :'''Frost''': You know, Harry; I always wanted to ask you, but didn't because I knew you so very much wanted me to and I didn't want to give you the satisfaction; but why the hell do you always carry that bloody umbrella? :'''Carlyle''': Memory. Bad...memory. Never could remember the password. Knew no Jerry would carry one. Had to prove...I was an Englishman. <hr width="50%"/> :''[MG Roy Urquhart has safely extracted from Arnhem and is now at General Browning's HQ]'' :'''Lt. Gen. Frederick "Boy" Browning''': Hello, Roy. How are you? :'''Maj. Gen. Roy Urquhart''': I'm not sure that I'll know for a while. But I'm sorry about the way it turned out. :'''Browning''': You did all you could. [[File:John Frost Brug (Arnhem) 03.jpg|right|225px|thumb|[[w:John Frost Bridge|John Frost Bridge]]<br>I always felt we tried to go a bridge too far.]] :'''Urqhart''': Yes, but did everyone else? :'''Browning''': They've got a bed for you upstairs if you want it. :'''Urqhart''': I took ten thousand men into Arnhem. I've come out with less than two. I don't feel much like sleeping. :'''Browning''': Quite. I've just been on to Monty. He's very proud and pleased. :'''Urquhart''': Pleased? :'''Browning''': Of course. He thinks Market Garden was 90% successful. :'''Urquhart''': But what do you think? :'''Browning''': Well, as you know, I always felt we tried to go a bridge too far. ''[Urquhart stares silently at him]'' == Cast == * [[w:Dirk Bogarde|Dirk Bogarde]] - Lt. Gen. [[w:Frederick Browning|Frederick "Boy" Browning]] * [[w:James Caan (actor)|James Caan]] - Staff Sergeant Eddie Dohun * [[w:Michael Caine|Michael Caine]] - Lt. Col. [[w:John Ormsby Evelyn Vandeleur|J.O.E. Vandeleur]] * [[w:Michael Byrne (actor)|Michael Byrne]] - Lt. Col. [[w:Giles Vandeleur|Giles Vandeleur]] * [[Sean Connery]] - Major General [[w:Roy Urquhart|Roy Urquhart]] * [[w:Edward Fox (actor)|Edward Fox]] - Lt. Gen. [[w:Brian Horrocks|Brian Horrocks]] * [[w:Elliott Gould|Elliott Gould]] - Col. Robert Stout * [[w:Gene Hackman|Gene Hackman]] - Maj. Gen. [[Stanisław Sosabowski]] * [[Anthony Hopkins]] - Lt. Col. [[w:John Frost (British Army officer)|John Frost]] * [[w:Ryan O'Neal|Ryan O'Neal]] - Brig. Gen. [[w:James M. Gavin|James Gavin]] * [[w:Robert Redford|Robert Redford]] - Maj. [[w:Julian Cook|Julian Cook]] * [[Laurence Olivier]] - Dr. Jan Spaander * [[w:Liv Ullmann|Liv Ullmann]] - [[w:Kate ter Horst|Kate ter Horst]] * [[w:Nicholas Campbell|Nicholas Campbell]] - Capt. Glass * [[w:Denholm Elliott|Denholm Elliott]] - [[w:RAF|RAF]] meteorological officer * [[w:Peter Faber (actor)|Peter Faber]] - Capt. Arie D. "Harry" Bestebreurtje * [[w:Christopher Good|Christopher Good]] - Maj. Carlyle * [[w:Frank Grimes (actor)|Frank Grimes]] - Maj. Fuller * [[w:Jeremy Kemp|Jeremy Kemp]] - RAF briefing officer * [[w:Paul Copley|Paul Copley]] - Pete Wicks * [[w:Donald Douglas (actor)|Donald Douglas]] - Brigadier Gerald Lathbury * [[w:Keith Drinkel|Keith Drinkel]] - Lieutenant Cornish * [http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0268200 Colin Farrell] - Corporal Hancock * [[w:Richard Kane|Richard Kane]] - Col. Weaver * [[w:Paul Maxwell|Paul Maxwell]] - Maj. Gen. Maxwell Taylor * [[w:Stephen Moore|Stephen Moore]] - Maj. Robert Steele * [[w:Donald Pickering|Donald Pickering]] - Lt. Col. C.B. Mackenzie * [[w:Gerald Sim|Gerald Sim]] - Col. Sims * [[w:John Stride|John Stride]] - Grenadier Guards major * [[w:Alun Armstrong|Alun Armstrong]] - Cpl. Davies * [[w:David Auker|David Auker]] - "Taffy" Brace * [[w:Michael Bangerter|Michael Bangerter]] - British staff colonel * [[w:Philip Raymond|Philip Raymond]] - Grenadier Guards Colonel * [[w:Michael Graham Cox|Michael Graham Cox]] - Capt. Jimmy Cleminson * [[w:Garrick Hagon|Garrick Hagon]] - Lieutenant Rafferty * [[w:John Ratzenberger|John Ratzenberger]] - Lt James Megellas * [[w:Arthur Hill|Arthur Hill]] - U.S. Army surgeon (colonel) * [[w:Mark Sheridan|Mark Sheridan]] - Sergeant Tomblin * [[w:George Innes|George Innes]] - Sergeant MacDonald * [[w:Hardy Krüger|Hardy Krüger]] - [[w:SS-Brigadeführer|SS-Brigadeführer]] Ludwig * [[w:Maximilian Schell|Maximilian Schell]] - [[w:SS-Obergruppenführer|SS-Obergruppenführer]] [[Wilhelm Bittrich]] * [[w:Wolfgang Preiss|Wolfgang Preiss]] - [[w:Generalfeldmarschall|Generalfeldmarschall]] [[Gerd von Rundstedt]] * [[w:Walter Kohut|Walter Kohut]] - Generalfeldmarschall [[Walter Model]] == External links == {{wikipedia}} * {{IMDb title| id=0075784| title=A Bridge Too Far}} * {{mojo title | id=bridgetoofar | title=A Bridge Too Far}} * {{Amg movie|7107|A Bridge Too Far}} * [http://www.britishcinemagreats.com/films_page/a_bridge_too_far/a_bridge_too_far_page_one.htm ''A Bridge Too Far''] at British Cinema Greats {{DEFAULTSORT:Bridge Too Far, A (film)}} [[Category:1977 films]] [[Category:British films]] [[Category:Epic films]] [[Category:Films based on novels]] [[Category:World War II films]] [[Category:Screenplays by William Goldman]] [[Category:Films directed by Richard Attenborough]] rdnfdtm47qqifq4gseei32g6jdhb0j0 3153079 3153076 2022-08-10T01:28:21Z Eaglestorm 16205 order fix wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Waves of paratroops land in Holland.jpg|right|225px|thumb|[[w:Operation Market Garden|Operation Market Garden]]<br>Whats the best way to take a bridge?<br>Both ends at once...]] {{italic title}} '''''[[w:A Bridge Too Far (film)|A Bridge Too Far]]''''' is a [[w:1977 in film|1977 epic war film]] that provides an historic telling of the failed attempt to capture several bridges to Germany in World War II in a campaign called [[w:Operation Market-Garden|Operation Market-Garden]]. The film has achieved classic status as it covered the entire operation, from all sides, British, American, German, Polish and Dutch. :''Directed by [[w:Richard Attenborough|Richard Attenborough]]. Written by [[w:William Goldman|William Goldman]], based on [[w:A Bridge Too Far (novel)|the novel]] by [[w:Cornelius Ryan|Cornelius Ryan]].'' <center>'''Out of the sky comes the screen's most incredible spectacle of men and war!'''</center> :''[Note: any German dialogue are translations of the spoken text]'' == Dialogue == :'''Generalfeldmarschall Model's aide''': Field Marshal, pardon me for interrupting, but ... British paratroops have apparently landed ... three kilometres from here. :'''Generalfeldmarschall Walther Model''': Why should they do that? There is nothing valuable here. ... ''Me!'' ''I'' am valuable here. They have all come just to capture me. ''[stands from his lunch and moves to the door]'' Get my driver and car. :'''Aide''': Yes, Herr Marshal! :'''Model''': Evacuate my headquarters! :'''Aide''': Yes, sir! :'''Model''': ''[pops back in and shouts]'' And don't forget my cigars! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Capt. Arie D. "Harry" Bestebreurtje''': Why the emergency meeting? :'''Brig. Gen. James Gavin''': Just keeping me abreast of the little changes. :'''Bestebreurtje''': How big are the little changes? :'''Gavin''': I'll answer with typical British understatement: gigantic. For example, they can't get us all in at once. Too many men, too much equipment, not enough planes. It's gonna take three days to get the men into Arnhem, Poles and the British. :'''Bestebreurtje''': Well, what about us? :'''Gavin''': We'll be all right. Aside from the fact that we're parachuting in daylight, we have nothing to worry about. :'''Bestebreurtje''': Daylight? Has it ever been tried before? :'''Gavin''': Not in a major drop. :'''Bestebreurtje''': You think there might be a reason for that? :'''Gavin''': Let's hope not. :'''Bestebreurtje''': What do you think? :'''Gavin''': It'll be all right. It's a no-moon period anyway. We have to go in daylight. It doesn't matter. Just so they get us over the target area. Half a mile away, three quarters of a mile, I'll settle for that– :'''Bestebreurtje''': I don't want to hear anything else. Is there anything else? :'''Gavin''': Well, you're my Dutch adviser, Harry. :'''Bestebreurtje''': I forgot to tell you something? :'''Gavin''': Only that the Germans first tried to take Nijmegen bridge themselves back in 1940 and got slaughtered. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Brig. Gen. James Gavin''': What's the best way to take a bridge? :'''Maj. Julian Cook''': Both ends at once. :'''Gavin''': I'm sending two companies across the river by boat. I need a man with very special qualities to lead. :'''Cook''': Go on, sir. :'''Gavin''': He's got to be tough enough to do it and he's got to be experienced enough to do it. Plus one more thing. He's got to be dumb enough to do it... Start getting ready. :'''U.S. captain''': What was all that about, Major? :'''Cook''': Well, someone's come up with a real nightmare. Real nightmare. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Maj. Julian Cook''': I have just been informed that our Nine' O'Clock arrival has been postponed until ten, so you can all have an extra hour of fun and relaxation. :'''U.S. lieutenant''': Major, we got any more information on those boats? :'''Cook''': I have been reliably informed that they float. Outside of that we don't know squat. Not how many, not how heavy, not how big. We are sure that the river is wide and the current is strong and if there is any more cheery information that comes along I'll just be too happy to pass it along. In the meantime just think of this as on the job training. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Horrocks''': ''[briefing his XXX Corps officers on Operation Market Garden]'' Gentlemen, this is a story that you shall tell your grandchildren, and mightily bored they'll be. ''[the officers laugh]'' The plan is called "Operation Market Garden". "Market" is the airborne element, and "Garden", the ground forces. That's us. ''[points to a map behind him of Holland, showing the positions of the Allied forces, and the path the Corps will take]'' Now, this is our position on the Belgian border, here. Tomorrow, three airborne divisions will begin landing in Holland. 35,000 men taking off from 24 airfields in troop-carrying planes or towed in gliders. The American 101st, here, around [[w:Eindhoven|Eindhoven]], the American 82nd, here, south of Nijmegen, and our own 1st Airborne boys, and a Polish brigade, here, at [[w:Arnhem|Arnhem]], 64 miles behind enemy lines. Now, their job is to take and hold all the bridges in these three areas. Our job is to punch a hole through the German front line, here, and then drive like hell up this road, linking up with each airborne division on the way. Speed is the vital factor. The plan is to reach Eindhoven in two to three hours, and Arnhem in two to three days. That, gentlemen, is the prize - the bridge over the Rhine, the last bridge between us and Germany. Kickoff will be at 1435 hours tomorrow afternoon. The Irish Guards under the command of Colonel Vandeleur, will take the lead. :'''Vandeleur''': ''[whispering to his cousin/aide]'' Christ, not us again. :'''Horrocks''': What do you say to that, Joe? :'''Vandeleur''': ''[getting up from his chair]'' Uh, delighted, sir. Truly delighted. :''[the officers erupts in laughter again as Horrocks smiles. Vandeleur sits back down]'' :'''Horrocks''': Now, I've selected you to lead us not only because of your extraordinary fighting ability, but also because - in the unlikely event that the Germans ever get you, they will assume from your attire that they've captured a wretched peasant, and immediately send you on your way. :''[the corps laughs at Horrocks' comments; Vandeleur smiles]'' :'''Horrocks''': Now, maintaining the speed of our advance will no doubt be tough going, as it's a single highway. But no matter what, we must reach those 1st Airborne boys in 48 hours. Now, gentlemen, I'm not saying that this will be the easiest party that we've ever attended, but I still wouldn't miss it for the world. ''[pauses]'' I'd like to think of this as one of those American western films. The paratroops, lacking substantial equipment, always short of food - these are the besieged homesteaders, the Germans, well naturally, they're the bad guys, and XXX Corps, we my friends, are the cavalry, on the way to the rescue. :''[the room bursts into applause]'' [[File:British Paratroops inside one of the C-47 transport aircraft.jpg|right|225px|thumb|Gentlemen, this is a story that you shall tell your grandchildren...]] <hr width="50%"/> [[File:Photograph taken through the window of a troop carrying glider.jpg|right|225px|thumb|Only the weather can stop us now...]] :'''Lt. Gen. Frederick Browning''': Only the weather can stop us now. :'''Maj. Gen. Stanislaw Sosabowski''': Weather! ''Christus! ''[MG Roy Urquhart looks at Sosabowski]'''' General Browning, what of the Germans? Don't you think that if we know Arnhem is so critical to their safety that they might know it too? '''Urquhart leaves]'' :'''Browning''': Now, look here. The few troops in the area are second-class. They're not frontline caliber, not at all, do you understand? I think you ought to have a little more faith in Montgomery's intelligence reports, you know. He's done pretty well for us in last three or four years. :'''Sosabowski''': I will tell you the extent of my faith. I am thinking of asking for a letter from you stating that I was forced to act under your orders in case my men are massacred. :'''Browning''': I see... I do see. Do you wish such a letter? :'''Sosabowski''': No... No, of course not. In the case of massacre, what difference will it make? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Corp. Hancock''': Sir. ''[Offers mug of tea]'' :'''Maj. Gen. Roy Urquhart''': Hancock. I've got lunatics laughing at me from the woods. My original plan has been scuppered now that the jeeps haven't arrived. My communications are completely broken down. Do you really believe any of that can be helped by a cup of tea? :'''Corp. Hancock''': Couldn't hurt, sir. ''[Urquhart accepts the tea]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Capt. Glass''': My problem is, I'm not totally crazy about the prospect of dying. [[File:Bundesarchiv Bild Wilhelm Bittrich.jpg|right|215px|thumb|Obergruppenführer [[w:Wilhelm Bittrich|Wilhelm Bittrich]]:<br>Flatten Arnhem.]] :'''SSgt. Eddie Dohun''': So don't die. Drinking that garbage isn't gonna keep you alive, is it? :'''Glass''': What is? :'''Dohun''': What is? Well, not gettin' shot. :'''Glass''': What can guarantee that? :'''Dohun''': Nothing, for sure. :'''Glass''': You will. :'''Dohun''': I will what? :'''Glass''': You tell me, Eddie. You tell me I won't die. :'''Dohun''': Alright, you won't die. :'''Glass''': No, no. Guarantee me. I want you to guarantee me I won't die. :'''Dohun''': ''[seriously]'' I guarantee you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''SSgt. Eddie Dohun''': Colonel, if you don't look at him right now, he's going to die. :'''U.S. medical colonel''': He's dead now. :'''Dohun''': It would mean a lot to me, sir, if you'd check him out. :'''U.S. medical colonel''': Come on, Sergeant! For Chrissakes get him out of here! :'''Dohun''':''[briefly goes out, returns]'' Would you look at him please, sir. ''[brandishes .45 Pistol]'' Right now. Or I'll blow your fuckin' head off. ''[cocks the .45]'' Right now. :'''U.S. medical colonel''': I can give him a quick examination if you like. :'''Dohun''': Thank you very much, sir. <hr width="50%"/> :'''U.S. medical colonel''': ''[To military policeman Lt. Rafferty]'' Sergeant Dohun pulled a gun on me and threatened to kill me unless I did precisely what he ordered...I want you to put him under arrest. :'''Lt. Rafferty''': Yes sir. :'''U.S. medical colonel''': I want you to keep him there; I want you to keep him there, for at least ten seconds. :'''Rafferty''': ''[brief pause]'' I'm not all that sure I understand, Colonel. :'''U.S. medical colonel''': Count to ten, Lieutenant, fast. :'''Rafferty''': One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. Like that, sir? :'''U.S. medical colonel''': ''[dismisses him]'' Thank you, Lieutenant. ''[Rafferty salutes and leaves, confused]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gen. Ludwig''': Not possible. :'''Dr. Spaander''': If you would just say yes, it would be very possible. :'''Gen. Ludwig''': Forgive me, but there is a battle. And we are in the process of winning it. :'''Dr. Spaander''': Winning or losing is not a concern. Living or dying is. Cease fire. One hour ... two ... just to evacuate our wounded. Afterwards you can kill us as much as you want. :''[SS-Obergruppenführer Bittrich walks in and admonishes Ludwig, who subsequently removes himself along with the staff]'' :'''Obergruppenführer Bittrich''': ''[in German]'' Your request will be met. The ceasefire will begin at three o'clock. <hr width="50%"/> :''[an SS officer is approaching under a white flag]'' :'''Maj. Harry Carlyle''': Rather interesting development, sir. ''[to the German]'' That's far enough! We can hear you from there! :'''SS Panzer Officer''': My general says there is no point in continuing this fighting! He is willing to discuss a surrender! :''[Short pause; the German waits for an answer, Frost thinks]'' :'''Lt. Col. John Frost''': Tell him to go to hell. :'''Carlyle''': We haven't the proper facilities to take you all prisoner! Sorry! :'''SS Panzer Officer''': ''[confused]'' What? :'''Maj. Harry Carlyle''': We'd like to, but we can't accept your surrender! Was there anything else? :''[German officer walks off silently]'' :'''Frost''': Right. :''[the officer returns across the bridge to Obergruppenführer Bittrich]'' :'''SS Panzer Officer''': Mein Herr General.... ''[dejectedly enters shotgun seat of General Bittrich's staff car]'' And now? :'''Obergruppenführer Bittrich''': ''[slowly]'' Flatten Arnhem. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lt. Col. John Frost''': Hello, Harry. :'''Maj. Harry Carlyle''': Hello. Johnny. :'''Frost''': You know, Harry; I always wanted to ask you, but didn't because I knew you so very much wanted me to and I didn't want to give you the satisfaction; but why the hell do you always carry that bloody umbrella? :'''Carlyle''': Memory. Bad...memory. Never could remember the password. Knew no Jerry would carry one. Had to prove...I was an Englishman. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Brig. Gen. James Gavin''': So that's it. We're pulling them out. It was [[w:Nijmegen|Nijmegen]]. :'''Lt. Col. J.O.E. Vandeleur''': It was the single road getting to Nijmegen. :'''Lt. Gen. Brian Horrocks''': No, it was after Nijmegen. :'''Lt. Gen. Frederick "Boy" Browning''': And the fog, in England. :'''Maj. Gen. Stanislaw Sosabowski''': Doesn't matter what it was. When one man says to another, "I know what let's do today, let's play the war game."... everybody dies. <hr width="50%"/> :''[MG Roy Urquhart has safely extracted from Arnhem and is now at General Browning's HQ]'' :'''Lt. Gen. Frederick "Boy" Browning''': Hello, Roy. How are you? :'''Maj. Gen. Roy Urquhart''': I'm not sure that I'll know for a while. But I'm sorry about the way it turned out. :'''Browning''': You did all you could. [[File:John Frost Brug (Arnhem) 03.jpg|right|225px|thumb|[[w:John Frost Bridge|John Frost Bridge]]<br>I always felt we tried to go a bridge too far.]] :'''Urqhart''': Yes, but did everyone else? :'''Browning''': They've got a bed for you upstairs if you want it. :'''Urqhart''': I took ten thousand men into Arnhem. I've come out with less than two. I don't feel much like sleeping. :'''Browning''': Quite. I've just been on to Monty. He's very proud and pleased. :'''Urquhart''': Pleased? :'''Browning''': Of course. He thinks Market Garden was 90% successful. :'''Urquhart''': But what do you think? :'''Browning''': Well, as you know, I always felt we tried to go a bridge too far. ''[Urquhart stares silently at him]'' == Cast == * [[w:Dirk Bogarde|Dirk Bogarde]] - Lt. Gen. [[w:Frederick Browning|Frederick "Boy" Browning]] * [[w:James Caan (actor)|James Caan]] - Staff Sergeant Eddie Dohun * [[w:Michael Caine|Michael Caine]] - Lt. Col. [[w:John Ormsby Evelyn Vandeleur|J.O.E. Vandeleur]] * [[w:Michael Byrne (actor)|Michael Byrne]] - Lt. Col. [[w:Giles Vandeleur|Giles Vandeleur]] * [[Sean Connery]] - Major General [[w:Roy Urquhart|Roy Urquhart]] * [[w:Edward Fox (actor)|Edward Fox]] - Lt. Gen. [[w:Brian Horrocks|Brian Horrocks]] * [[w:Elliott Gould|Elliott Gould]] - Col. Robert Stout * [[w:Gene Hackman|Gene Hackman]] - Maj. Gen. [[Stanisław Sosabowski]] * [[Anthony Hopkins]] - Lt. Col. [[w:John Frost (British Army officer)|John Frost]] * [[w:Ryan O'Neal|Ryan O'Neal]] - Brig. Gen. [[w:James M. Gavin|James Gavin]] * [[w:Robert Redford|Robert Redford]] - Maj. [[w:Julian Cook|Julian Cook]] * [[Laurence Olivier]] - Dr. Jan Spaander * [[w:Liv Ullmann|Liv Ullmann]] - [[w:Kate ter Horst|Kate ter Horst]] * [[w:Nicholas Campbell|Nicholas Campbell]] - Capt. Glass * [[w:Denholm Elliott|Denholm Elliott]] - [[w:RAF|RAF]] meteorological officer * [[w:Peter Faber (actor)|Peter Faber]] - Capt. Arie D. "Harry" Bestebreurtje * [[w:Christopher Good|Christopher Good]] - Maj. Carlyle * [[w:Frank Grimes (actor)|Frank Grimes]] - Maj. Fuller * [[w:Jeremy Kemp|Jeremy Kemp]] - RAF briefing officer * [[w:Paul Copley|Paul Copley]] - Pete Wicks * [[w:Donald Douglas (actor)|Donald Douglas]] - Brigadier Gerald Lathbury * [[w:Keith Drinkel|Keith Drinkel]] - Lieutenant Cornish * [http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0268200 Colin Farrell] - Corporal Hancock * [[w:Richard Kane|Richard Kane]] - Col. Weaver * [[w:Paul Maxwell|Paul Maxwell]] - Maj. Gen. Maxwell Taylor * [[w:Stephen Moore|Stephen Moore]] - Maj. Robert Steele * [[w:Donald Pickering|Donald Pickering]] - Lt. Col. C.B. Mackenzie * [[w:Gerald Sim|Gerald Sim]] - Col. Sims * [[w:John Stride|John Stride]] - Grenadier Guards major * [[w:Alun Armstrong|Alun Armstrong]] - Cpl. Davies * [[w:David Auker|David Auker]] - "Taffy" Brace * [[w:Michael Bangerter|Michael Bangerter]] - British staff colonel * [[w:Philip Raymond|Philip Raymond]] - Grenadier Guards Colonel * [[w:Michael Graham Cox|Michael Graham Cox]] - Capt. Jimmy Cleminson * [[w:Garrick Hagon|Garrick Hagon]] - Lieutenant Rafferty * [[w:John Ratzenberger|John Ratzenberger]] - Lt James Megellas * [[w:Arthur Hill|Arthur Hill]] - U.S. Army surgeon (colonel) * [[w:Mark Sheridan|Mark Sheridan]] - Sergeant Tomblin * [[w:George Innes|George Innes]] - Sergeant MacDonald * [[w:Hardy Krüger|Hardy Krüger]] - [[w:SS-Brigadeführer|SS-Brigadeführer]] Ludwig * [[w:Maximilian Schell|Maximilian Schell]] - [[w:SS-Obergruppenführer|SS-Obergruppenführer]] [[Wilhelm Bittrich]] * [[w:Wolfgang Preiss|Wolfgang Preiss]] - [[w:Generalfeldmarschall|Generalfeldmarschall]] [[Gerd von Rundstedt]] * [[w:Walter Kohut|Walter Kohut]] - Generalfeldmarschall [[Walter Model]] == External links == {{wikipedia}} * {{IMDb title| id=0075784| title=A Bridge Too Far}} * {{mojo title | id=bridgetoofar | title=A Bridge Too Far}} * {{Amg movie|7107|A Bridge Too Far}} * [http://www.britishcinemagreats.com/films_page/a_bridge_too_far/a_bridge_too_far_page_one.htm ''A Bridge Too Far''] at British Cinema Greats {{DEFAULTSORT:Bridge Too Far, A (film)}} [[Category:1977 films]] [[Category:British films]] [[Category:Epic films]] [[Category:Films based on novels]] [[Category:World War II films]] [[Category:Screenplays by William Goldman]] [[Category:Films directed by Richard Attenborough]] ief2grgu6x3vs6q7ac2gcppenjn92z9 3153080 3153079 2022-08-10T01:32:52Z Eaglestorm 16205 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Waves of paratroops land in Holland.jpg|right|225px|thumb|[[w:Operation Market Garden|Operation Market Garden]]<br>Whats the best way to take a bridge?<br>Both ends at once...]] {{italic title}} '''''[[w:A Bridge Too Far (film)|A Bridge Too Far]]''''' is a [[w:1977 in film|1977 epic war film]] that provides an historic telling of the failed attempt to capture several bridges to Germany in World War II in a campaign called [[w:Operation Market-Garden|Operation Market-Garden]]. The film has achieved classic status as it covered the entire operation, from all sides, British, American, German, Polish and Dutch. :''Directed by [[w:Richard Attenborough|Richard Attenborough]]. Written by [[w:William Goldman|William Goldman]], based on [[w:A Bridge Too Far (novel)|the novel]] by [[w:Cornelius Ryan|Cornelius Ryan]].'' <center>'''Out of the sky comes the screen's most incredible spectacle of men and war!'''</center> :''[Note: any German dialogue are translations of the spoken text]'' == Dialogue == :'''Capt. Arie D. "Harry" Bestebreurtje''': Why the emergency meeting? :'''Brig. Gen. James Gavin''': Just keeping me abreast of the little changes. :'''Bestebreurtje''': How big are the little changes? :'''Gavin''': I'll answer with typical British understatement: gigantic. For example, they can't get us all in at once. Too many men, too much equipment, not enough planes. It's gonna take three days to get the men into Arnhem, Poles and the British. :'''Bestebreurtje''': Well, what about us? :'''Gavin''': We'll be all right. Aside from the fact that we're parachuting in daylight, we have nothing to worry about. :'''Bestebreurtje''': Daylight? Has it ever been tried before? :'''Gavin''': Not in a major drop. :'''Bestebreurtje''': You think there might be a reason for that? :'''Gavin''': Let's hope not. :'''Bestebreurtje''': What do you think? :'''Gavin''': It'll be all right. It's a no-moon period anyway. We have to go in daylight. It doesn't matter. Just so they get us over the target area. Half a mile away, three quarters of a mile, I'll settle for that– :'''Bestebreurtje''': I don't want to hear anything else. Is there anything else? :'''Gavin''': Well, you're my Dutch adviser, Harry. :'''Bestebreurtje''': I forgot to tell you something? :'''Gavin''': Only that the Germans first tried to take Nijmegen bridge themselves back in 1940 and got slaughtered. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Generalfeldmarschall Model's aide''': Field Marshal, pardon me for interrupting, but ... British paratroops have apparently landed ... three kilometres from here. :'''Generalfeldmarschall Walther Model''': Why should they do that? There is nothing valuable here. ... ''Me!'' ''I'' am valuable here. They have all come just to capture me. ''[stands from his lunch and moves to the door]'' Get my driver and car. :'''Aide''': Yes, Herr Marshal! :'''Model''': Evacuate my headquarters! :'''Aide''': Yes, sir! :'''Model''': ''[pops back in and shouts]'' And don't forget my cigars! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Brig. Gen. James Gavin''': What's the best way to take a bridge? :'''Maj. Julian Cook''': Both ends at once. :'''Gavin''': I'm sending two companies across the river by boat. I need a man with very special qualities to lead. :'''Cook''': Go on, sir. :'''Gavin''': He's got to be tough enough to do it and he's got to be experienced enough to do it. Plus one more thing. He's got to be dumb enough to do it... Start getting ready. :'''U.S. captain''': What was all that about, Major? :'''Cook''': Well, someone's come up with a real nightmare. Real nightmare. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Maj. Julian Cook''': I have just been informed that our Nine' O'Clock arrival has been postponed until ten, so you can all have an extra hour of fun and relaxation. :'''U.S. lieutenant''': Major, we got any more information on those boats? :'''Cook''': I have been reliably informed that they float. Outside of that we don't know squat. Not how many, not how heavy, not how big. We are sure that the river is wide and the current is strong and if there is any more cheery information that comes along I'll just be too happy to pass it along. In the meantime just think of this as on the job training. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Horrocks''': ''[briefing his XXX Corps officers on Operation Market Garden]'' Gentlemen, this is a story that you shall tell your grandchildren, and mightily bored they'll be. ''[the officers laugh]'' The plan is called "Operation Market Garden". "Market" is the airborne element, and "Garden", the ground forces. That's us. ''[points to a map behind him of Holland, showing the positions of the Allied forces, and the path the Corps will take]'' Now, this is our position on the Belgian border, here. Tomorrow, three airborne divisions will begin landing in Holland. 35,000 men taking off from 24 airfields in troop-carrying planes or towed in gliders. The American 101st, here, around [[w:Eindhoven|Eindhoven]], the American 82nd, here, south of Nijmegen, and our own 1st Airborne boys, and a Polish brigade, here, at [[w:Arnhem|Arnhem]], 64 miles behind enemy lines. Now, their job is to take and hold all the bridges in these three areas. Our job is to punch a hole through the German front line, here, and then drive like hell up this road, linking up with each airborne division on the way. Speed is the vital factor. The plan is to reach Eindhoven in two to three hours, and Arnhem in two to three days. That, gentlemen, is the prize - the bridge over the Rhine, the last bridge between us and Germany. Kickoff will be at 1435 hours tomorrow afternoon. The Irish Guards under the command of Colonel Vandeleur, will take the lead. :'''Vandeleur''': ''[whispering to his cousin/aide]'' Christ, not us again. :'''Horrocks''': What do you say to that, Joe? :'''Vandeleur''': ''[getting up from his chair]'' Uh, delighted, sir. Truly delighted. :''[the officers erupts in laughter again as Horrocks smiles. Vandeleur sits back down]'' :'''Horrocks''': Now, I've selected you to lead us not only because of your extraordinary fighting ability, but also because - in the unlikely event that the Germans ever get you, they will assume from your attire that they've captured a wretched peasant, and immediately send you on your way. :''[the corps laughs at Horrocks' comments; Vandeleur smiles]'' :'''Horrocks''': Now, maintaining the speed of our advance will no doubt be tough going, as it's a single highway. But no matter what, we must reach those 1st Airborne boys in 48 hours. Now, gentlemen, I'm not saying that this will be the easiest party that we've ever attended, but I still wouldn't miss it for the world. ''[pauses]'' I'd like to think of this as one of those American western films. The paratroops, lacking substantial equipment, always short of food - these are the besieged homesteaders, the Germans, well naturally, they're the bad guys, and XXX Corps, we my friends, are the cavalry, on the way to the rescue. :''[the room bursts into applause]'' [[File:British Paratroops inside one of the C-47 transport aircraft.jpg|right|225px|thumb|Gentlemen, this is a story that you shall tell your grandchildren...]] <hr width="50%"/> [[File:Photograph taken through the window of a troop carrying glider.jpg|right|225px|thumb|Only the weather can stop us now...]] :'''Lt. Gen. Frederick Browning''': Only the weather can stop us now. :'''Maj. Gen. Stanislaw Sosabowski''': Weather! ''Christus! ''[MG Roy Urquhart looks at Sosabowski]'''' General Browning, what of the Germans? Don't you think that if we know Arnhem is so critical to their safety that they might know it too? '''Urquhart leaves]'' :'''Browning''': Now, look here. The few troops in the area are second-class. They're not frontline caliber, not at all, do you understand? I think you ought to have a little more faith in Montgomery's intelligence reports, you know. He's done pretty well for us in last three or four years. :'''Sosabowski''': I will tell you the extent of my faith. I am thinking of asking for a letter from you stating that I was forced to act under your orders in case my men are massacred. :'''Browning''': I see... I do see. Do you wish such a letter? :'''Sosabowski''': No... No, of course not. In the case of massacre, what difference will it make? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Corp. Hancock''': Sir. ''[Offers mug of tea]'' :'''Maj. Gen. Roy Urquhart''': Hancock. I've got lunatics laughing at me from the woods. My original plan has been scuppered now that the jeeps haven't arrived. My communications are completely broken down. Do you really believe any of that can be helped by a cup of tea? :'''Corp. Hancock''': Couldn't hurt, sir. ''[Urquhart accepts the tea]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Capt. Glass''': My problem is, I'm not totally crazy about the prospect of dying. [[File:Bundesarchiv Bild Wilhelm Bittrich.jpg|right|215px|thumb|Obergruppenführer [[w:Wilhelm Bittrich|Wilhelm Bittrich]]:<br>Flatten Arnhem.]] :'''SSgt. Eddie Dohun''': So don't die. Drinking that garbage isn't gonna keep you alive, is it? :'''Glass''': What is? :'''Dohun''': What is? Well, not gettin' shot. :'''Glass''': What can guarantee that? :'''Dohun''': Nothing, for sure. :'''Glass''': You will. :'''Dohun''': I will what? :'''Glass''': You tell me, Eddie. You tell me I won't die. :'''Dohun''': Alright, you won't die. :'''Glass''': No, no. Guarantee me. I want you to guarantee me I won't die. :'''Dohun''': ''[seriously]'' I guarantee you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''SSgt. Eddie Dohun''': Colonel, if you don't look at him right now, he's going to die. :'''U.S. medical colonel''': He's dead now. :'''Dohun''': It would mean a lot to me, sir, if you'd check him out. :'''U.S. medical colonel''': Come on, Sergeant! For Chrissakes get him out of here! :'''Dohun''':''[briefly goes out, returns]'' Would you look at him please, sir. ''[brandishes .45 Pistol]'' Right now. Or I'll blow your fuckin' head off. ''[cocks the .45]'' Right now. :'''U.S. medical colonel''': I can give him a quick examination if you like. :'''Dohun''': Thank you very much, sir. <hr width="50%"/> :'''U.S. medical colonel''': ''[To military policeman Lt. Rafferty]'' Sergeant Dohun pulled a gun on me and threatened to kill me unless I did precisely what he ordered...I want you to put him under arrest. :'''Lt. Rafferty''': Yes sir. :'''U.S. medical colonel''': I want you to keep him there; I want you to keep him there, for at least ten seconds. :'''Rafferty''': ''[brief pause]'' I'm not all that sure I understand, Colonel. :'''U.S. medical colonel''': Count to ten, Lieutenant, fast. :'''Rafferty''': One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. Like that, sir? :'''U.S. medical colonel''': ''[dismisses him]'' Thank you, Lieutenant. ''[Rafferty salutes and leaves, confused]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gen. Ludwig''': Not possible. :'''Dr. Spaander''': If you would just say yes, it would be very possible. :'''Gen. Ludwig''': Forgive me, but there is a battle. And we are in the process of winning it. :'''Dr. Spaander''': Winning or losing is not a concern. Living or dying is. Cease fire. One hour ... two ... just to evacuate our wounded. Afterwards you can kill us as much as you want. :''[SS-Obergruppenführer Bittrich walks in and admonishes Ludwig, who subsequently removes himself along with the staff]'' :'''Obergruppenführer Bittrich''': ''[in German]'' Your request will be met. The ceasefire will begin at three o'clock. <hr width="50%"/> :''[an SS officer is approaching under a white flag]'' :'''Maj. Harry Carlyle''': Rather interesting development, sir. ''[to the German]'' That's far enough! We can hear you from there! :'''SS Panzer Officer''': My general says there is no point in continuing this fighting! He is willing to discuss a surrender! :''[Short pause; the German waits for an answer, Frost thinks]'' :'''Lt. Col. John Frost''': Tell him to go to hell. :'''Carlyle''': We haven't the proper facilities to take you all prisoner! Sorry! :'''SS Panzer Officer''': ''[confused]'' What? :'''Maj. Harry Carlyle''': We'd like to, but we can't accept your surrender! Was there anything else? :''[German officer walks off silently]'' :'''Frost''': Right. :''[the officer returns across the bridge to Obergruppenführer Bittrich]'' :'''SS Panzer Officer''': Mein Herr General.... ''[dejectedly enters shotgun seat of General Bittrich's staff car]'' And now? :'''Obergruppenführer Bittrich''': ''[slowly]'' Flatten Arnhem. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lt. Col. John Frost''': Hello, Harry. :'''Maj. Harry Carlyle''': Hello. Johnny. :'''Frost''': You know, Harry; I always wanted to ask you, but didn't because I knew you so very much wanted me to and I didn't want to give you the satisfaction; but why the hell do you always carry that bloody umbrella? :'''Carlyle''': Memory. Bad...memory. Never could remember the password. Knew no Jerry would carry one. Had to prove...I was an Englishman. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Brig. Gen. James Gavin''': So that's it. We're pulling them out. It was [[w:Nijmegen|Nijmegen]]. :'''Lt. Col. J.O.E. Vandeleur''': It was the single road getting to Nijmegen. :'''Lt. Gen. Brian Horrocks''': No, it was after Nijmegen. :'''Lt. Gen. Frederick "Boy" Browning''': And the fog, in England. :'''Maj. Gen. Stanislaw Sosabowski''': Doesn't matter what it was. When one man says to another, "I know what let's do today, let's play the war game."... everybody dies. <hr width="50%"/> :''[MG Roy Urquhart has safely extracted from Arnhem and is now at General Browning's HQ]'' :'''Lt. Gen. Frederick "Boy" Browning''': Hello, Roy. How are you? :'''Maj. Gen. Roy Urquhart''': I'm not sure that I'll know for a while. But I'm sorry about the way it turned out. :'''Browning''': You did all you could. [[File:John Frost Brug (Arnhem) 03.jpg|right|225px|thumb|[[w:John Frost Bridge|John Frost Bridge]]<br>I always felt we tried to go a bridge too far.]] :'''Urqhart''': Yes, but did everyone else? :'''Browning''': They've got a bed for you upstairs if you want it. :'''Urqhart''': I took ten thousand men into Arnhem. I've come out with less than two. I don't feel much like sleeping. :'''Browning''': Quite. I've just been on to Monty. He's very proud and pleased. :'''Urquhart''': Pleased? :'''Browning''': Of course. He thinks Market Garden was 90% successful. :'''Urquhart''': But what do you think? :'''Browning''': Well, as you know, I always felt we tried to go a bridge too far. ''[Urquhart stares silently at him]'' == Cast == * [[w:Dirk Bogarde|Dirk Bogarde]] - Lt. Gen. [[w:Frederick Browning|Frederick "Boy" Browning]] * [[w:James Caan (actor)|James Caan]] - Staff Sergeant Eddie Dohun * [[w:Michael Caine|Michael Caine]] - Lt. Col. [[w:John Ormsby Evelyn Vandeleur|J.O.E. Vandeleur]] * [[w:Michael Byrne (actor)|Michael Byrne]] - Lt. Col. [[w:Giles Vandeleur|Giles Vandeleur]] * [[Sean Connery]] - Major General [[w:Roy Urquhart|Roy Urquhart]] * [[w:Edward Fox (actor)|Edward Fox]] - Lt. Gen. [[w:Brian Horrocks|Brian Horrocks]] * [[w:Elliott Gould|Elliott Gould]] - Col. Robert Stout * [[w:Gene Hackman|Gene Hackman]] - Maj. Gen. [[Stanisław Sosabowski]] * [[Anthony Hopkins]] - Lt. Col. [[w:John Frost (British Army officer)|John Frost]] * [[w:Ryan O'Neal|Ryan O'Neal]] - Brig. Gen. [[w:James M. Gavin|James Gavin]] * [[w:Robert Redford|Robert Redford]] - Maj. [[w:Julian Cook|Julian Cook]] * [[Laurence Olivier]] - Dr. Jan Spaander * [[w:Liv Ullmann|Liv Ullmann]] - [[w:Kate ter Horst|Kate ter Horst]] * [[w:Nicholas Campbell|Nicholas Campbell]] - Capt. Glass * [[w:Denholm Elliott|Denholm Elliott]] - [[w:RAF|RAF]] meteorological officer * [[w:Peter Faber (actor)|Peter Faber]] - Capt. Arie D. "Harry" Bestebreurtje * [[w:Christopher Good|Christopher Good]] - Maj. Carlyle * [[w:Frank Grimes (actor)|Frank Grimes]] - Maj. Fuller * [[w:Jeremy Kemp|Jeremy Kemp]] - RAF briefing officer * [[w:Paul Copley|Paul Copley]] - Pete Wicks * [[w:Donald Douglas (actor)|Donald Douglas]] - Brigadier Gerald Lathbury * [[w:Keith Drinkel|Keith Drinkel]] - Lieutenant Cornish * [http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0268200 Colin Farrell] - Corporal Hancock * [[w:Richard Kane|Richard Kane]] - Col. Weaver * [[w:Paul Maxwell|Paul Maxwell]] - Maj. Gen. Maxwell Taylor * [[w:Stephen Moore|Stephen Moore]] - Maj. Robert Steele * [[w:Donald Pickering|Donald Pickering]] - Lt. Col. C.B. Mackenzie * [[w:Gerald Sim|Gerald Sim]] - Col. Sims * [[w:John Stride|John Stride]] - Grenadier Guards major * [[w:Alun Armstrong|Alun Armstrong]] - Cpl. Davies * [[w:David Auker|David Auker]] - "Taffy" Brace * [[w:Michael Bangerter|Michael Bangerter]] - British staff colonel * [[w:Philip Raymond|Philip Raymond]] - Grenadier Guards Colonel * [[w:Michael Graham Cox|Michael Graham Cox]] - Capt. Jimmy Cleminson * [[w:Garrick Hagon|Garrick Hagon]] - Lieutenant Rafferty * [[w:John Ratzenberger|John Ratzenberger]] - Lt James Megellas * [[w:Arthur Hill|Arthur Hill]] - U.S. Army surgeon (colonel) * [[w:Mark Sheridan|Mark Sheridan]] - Sergeant Tomblin * [[w:George Innes|George Innes]] - Sergeant MacDonald * [[w:Hardy Krüger|Hardy Krüger]] - [[w:SS-Brigadeführer|SS-Brigadeführer]] Ludwig * [[w:Maximilian Schell|Maximilian Schell]] - [[w:SS-Obergruppenführer|SS-Obergruppenführer]] [[Wilhelm Bittrich]] * [[w:Wolfgang Preiss|Wolfgang Preiss]] - [[w:Generalfeldmarschall|Generalfeldmarschall]] [[Gerd von Rundstedt]] * [[w:Walter Kohut|Walter Kohut]] - Generalfeldmarschall [[Walter Model]] == External links == {{wikipedia}} * {{IMDb title| id=0075784| title=A Bridge Too Far}} * {{mojo title | id=bridgetoofar | title=A Bridge Too Far}} * {{Amg movie|7107|A Bridge Too Far}} * [http://www.britishcinemagreats.com/films_page/a_bridge_too_far/a_bridge_too_far_page_one.htm ''A Bridge Too Far''] at British Cinema Greats {{DEFAULTSORT:Bridge Too Far, A (film)}} [[Category:1977 films]] [[Category:British films]] [[Category:Epic films]] [[Category:Films based on novels]] [[Category:World War II films]] [[Category:Screenplays by William Goldman]] [[Category:Films directed by Richard Attenborough]] 0s19taf9ltimmqp6iro7hvjabomn42c 3153081 3153080 2022-08-10T01:33:44Z Eaglestorm 16205 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Waves of paratroops land in Holland.jpg|right|225px|thumb|[[w:Operation Market Garden|Operation Market Garden]]<br>Whats the best way to take a bridge?<br>Both ends at once...]] {{italic title}} '''''[[w:A Bridge Too Far (film)|A Bridge Too Far]]''''' is a [[w:1977 in film|1977 epic war film]] that provides an historic telling of the failed attempt to capture several bridges to Germany in World War II in a campaign called [[w:Operation Market-Garden|Operation Market-Garden]]. The film has achieved classic status as it covered the entire operation, from all sides, British, American, German, Polish and Dutch. :''Directed by [[w:Richard Attenborough|Richard Attenborough]]. Written by [[w:William Goldman|William Goldman]], based on [[w:A Bridge Too Far (novel)|the novel]] by [[w:Cornelius Ryan|Cornelius Ryan]].'' <center>'''Out of the sky comes the screen's most incredible spectacle of men and war!'''</center> :''[Note: any German dialogue are translations of the spoken text]'' == Dialogue == :'''Capt. Arie D. "Harry" Bestebreurtje''': Why the emergency meeting? :'''Brig. Gen. James Gavin''': Just keeping me abreast of the little changes. :'''Bestebreurtje''': How big are the little changes? :'''Gavin''': I'll answer with typical British understatement: gigantic. For example, they can't get us all in at once. Too many men, too much equipment, not enough planes. It's gonna take three days to get the men into Arnhem, Poles and the British. :'''Bestebreurtje''': Well, what about us? :'''Gavin''': We'll be all right. Aside from the fact that we're parachuting in daylight, we have nothing to worry about. :'''Bestebreurtje''': Daylight? Has it ever been tried before? :'''Gavin''': Not in a major drop. :'''Bestebreurtje''': You think there might be a reason for that? :'''Gavin''': Let's hope not. :'''Bestebreurtje''': What do you think? :'''Gavin''': It'll be all right. It's a no-moon period anyway. We have to go in daylight. It doesn't matter. Just so they get us over the target area. Half a mile away, three quarters of a mile, I'll settle for that– :'''Bestebreurtje''': I don't want to hear anything else. Is there anything else? :'''Gavin''': Well, you're my Dutch adviser, Harry. :'''Bestebreurtje''': I forgot to tell you something? :'''Gavin''': Only that the Germans first tried to take Nijmegen bridge themselves back in 1940 and got slaughtered. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Generalfeldmarschall Model's aide''': Field Marshal, pardon me for interrupting, but ... British paratroops have apparently landed ... three kilometres from here. :'''Generalfeldmarschall Walther Model''': Why should they do that? There is nothing valuable here. ... ''Me!'' ''I'' am valuable here. They have all come just to capture me. ''[stands from his lunch and moves to the door]'' Get my driver and car. :'''Aide''': Yes, Herr Marshal! :'''Model''': Evacuate my headquarters! :'''Aide''': Yes, sir! :'''Model''': ''[pops back in and shouts]'' And don't forget my cigars! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Brig. Gen. James Gavin''': What's the best way to take a bridge? :'''Maj. Julian Cook''': Both ends at once. :'''Gavin''': I'm sending two companies across the river by boat. I need a man with very special qualities to lead. :'''Cook''': Go on, sir. :'''Gavin''': He's got to be tough enough to do it and he's got to be experienced enough to do it. Plus one more thing. He's got to be dumb enough to do it... Start getting ready. :'''U.S. captain''': What was all that about, Major? :'''Cook''': Well, someone's come up with a real nightmare. Real nightmare. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Maj. Julian Cook''': I have just been informed that our Nine' O'Clock arrival has been postponed until ten, so you can all have an extra hour of fun and relaxation. :'''U.S. lieutenant''': Major, we got any more information on those boats? :'''Cook''': I have been reliably informed that they float. Outside of that we don't know squat. Not how many, not how heavy, not how big. We are sure that the river is wide and the current is strong and if there is any more cheery information that comes along I'll just be too happy to pass it along. In the meantime just think of this as on the job training. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Horrocks''': ''[briefing his XXX Corps officers on Operation Market Garden]'' Gentlemen, this is a story that you shall tell your grandchildren, and mightily bored they'll be. ''[the officers laugh]'' The plan is called "Operation Market Garden". "Market" is the airborne element, and "Garden", the ground forces. That's us. ''[points to a map behind him of Holland, showing the positions of the Allied forces, and the path the Corps will take]'' Now, this is our position on the Belgian border, here. Tomorrow, three airborne divisions will begin landing in Holland. 35,000 men taking off from 24 airfields in troop-carrying planes or towed in gliders. The American 101st, here, around [[w:Eindhoven|Eindhoven]], the American 82nd, here, south of Nijmegen, and our own 1st Airborne boys, and a Polish brigade, here, at [[w:Arnhem|Arnhem]], 64 miles behind enemy lines. Now, their job is to take and hold all the bridges in these three areas. Our job is to punch a hole through the German front line, here, and then drive like hell up this road, linking up with each airborne division on the way. Speed is the vital factor. The plan is to reach Eindhoven in two to three hours, and Arnhem in two to three days. That, gentlemen, is the prize - the bridge over the Rhine, the last bridge between us and Germany. Kickoff will be at 1435 hours tomorrow afternoon. The Irish Guards under the command of Colonel Vandeleur, will take the lead. :'''Vandeleur''': ''[whispering to his cousin/aide]'' Christ, not us again. :'''Horrocks''': What do you say to that, Joe? :'''Vandeleur''': ''[getting up from his chair]'' Uh, delighted, sir. Truly delighted. :''[the officers erupts in laughter again as Horrocks smiles. Vandeleur sits back down]'' :'''Horrocks''': Now, I've selected you to lead us not only because of your extraordinary fighting ability, but also because - in the unlikely event that the Germans ever get you, they will assume from your attire that they've captured a wretched peasant, and immediately send you on your way. :''[the corps laughs at Horrocks' comments; Vandeleur smiles]'' :'''Horrocks''': Now, maintaining the speed of our advance will no doubt be tough going, as it's a single highway. But no matter what, we must reach those 1st Airborne boys in 48 hours. Now, gentlemen, I'm not saying that this will be the easiest party that we've ever attended, but I still wouldn't miss it for the world. ''[pauses]'' I'd like to think of this as one of those American western films. The paratroops, lacking substantial equipment, always short of food - these are the besieged homesteaders, the Germans, well naturally, they're the bad guys, and XXX Corps, we my friends, are the cavalry, on the way to the rescue. :''[the room bursts into applause]'' [[File:British Paratroops inside one of the C-47 transport aircraft.jpg|right|225px|thumb|Gentlemen, this is a story that you shall tell your grandchildren...]] <hr width="50%"/> [[File:Photograph taken through the window of a troop carrying glider.jpg|right|225px|thumb|Only the weather can stop us now...]] :'''Lt. Gen. Frederick Browning''': Only the weather can stop us now. :'''Maj. Gen. Stanislaw Sosabowski''': Weather! ''Christus! ''[MG Roy Urquhart looks at Sosabowski]'' General Browning, what of the Germans? Don't you think that if we know Arnhem is so critical to their safety that they might know it too? ''[Urquhart leaves]'' :'''Browning''': Now, look here. The few troops in the area are second-class. They're not frontline caliber, not at all, do you understand? I think you ought to have a little more faith in Montgomery's intelligence reports, you know. He's done pretty well for us in last three or four years. :'''Sosabowski''': I will tell you the extent of my faith. I am thinking of asking for a letter from you stating that I was forced to act under your orders in case my men are massacred. :'''Browning''': I see... I do see. Do you wish such a letter? :'''Sosabowski''': No... No, of course not. In the case of massacre, what difference will it make? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Corp. Hancock''': Sir. ''[Offers mug of tea]'' :'''Maj. Gen. Roy Urquhart''': Hancock. I've got lunatics laughing at me from the woods. My original plan has been scuppered now that the jeeps haven't arrived. My communications are completely broken down. Do you really believe any of that can be helped by a cup of tea? :'''Corp. Hancock''': Couldn't hurt, sir. ''[Urquhart accepts the tea]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Capt. Glass''': My problem is, I'm not totally crazy about the prospect of dying. [[File:Bundesarchiv Bild Wilhelm Bittrich.jpg|right|215px|thumb|Obergruppenführer [[w:Wilhelm Bittrich|Wilhelm Bittrich]]:<br>Flatten Arnhem.]] :'''SSgt. Eddie Dohun''': So don't die. Drinking that garbage isn't gonna keep you alive, is it? :'''Glass''': What is? :'''Dohun''': What is? Well, not gettin' shot. :'''Glass''': What can guarantee that? :'''Dohun''': Nothing, for sure. :'''Glass''': You will. :'''Dohun''': I will what? :'''Glass''': You tell me, Eddie. You tell me I won't die. :'''Dohun''': Alright, you won't die. :'''Glass''': No, no. Guarantee me. I want you to guarantee me I won't die. :'''Dohun''': ''[seriously]'' I guarantee you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''SSgt. Eddie Dohun''': Colonel, if you don't look at him right now, he's going to die. :'''U.S. medical colonel''': He's dead now. :'''Dohun''': It would mean a lot to me, sir, if you'd check him out. :'''U.S. medical colonel''': Come on, Sergeant! For Chrissakes get him out of here! :'''Dohun''':''[briefly goes out, returns]'' Would you look at him please, sir. ''[brandishes .45 Pistol]'' Right now. Or I'll blow your fuckin' head off. ''[cocks the .45]'' Right now. :'''U.S. medical colonel''': I can give him a quick examination if you like. :'''Dohun''': Thank you very much, sir. <hr width="50%"/> :'''U.S. medical colonel''': ''[To military policeman Lt. Rafferty]'' Sergeant Dohun pulled a gun on me and threatened to kill me unless I did precisely what he ordered...I want you to put him under arrest. :'''Lt. Rafferty''': Yes sir. :'''U.S. medical colonel''': I want you to keep him there; I want you to keep him there, for at least ten seconds. :'''Rafferty''': ''[brief pause]'' I'm not all that sure I understand, Colonel. :'''U.S. medical colonel''': Count to ten, Lieutenant, fast. :'''Rafferty''': One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. Like that, sir? :'''U.S. medical colonel''': ''[dismisses him]'' Thank you, Lieutenant. ''[Rafferty salutes and leaves, confused]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gen. Ludwig''': Not possible. :'''Dr. Spaander''': If you would just say yes, it would be very possible. :'''Gen. Ludwig''': Forgive me, but there is a battle. And we are in the process of winning it. :'''Dr. Spaander''': Winning or losing is not a concern. Living or dying is. Cease fire. One hour ... two ... just to evacuate our wounded. Afterwards you can kill us as much as you want. :''[SS-Obergruppenführer Bittrich walks in and admonishes Ludwig, who subsequently removes himself along with the staff]'' :'''Obergruppenführer Bittrich''': ''[in German]'' Your request will be met. The ceasefire will begin at three o'clock. <hr width="50%"/> :''[an SS officer is approaching under a white flag]'' :'''Maj. Harry Carlyle''': Rather interesting development, sir. ''[to the German]'' That's far enough! We can hear you from there! :'''SS Panzer Officer''': My general says there is no point in continuing this fighting! He is willing to discuss a surrender! :''[Short pause; the German waits for an answer, Frost thinks]'' :'''Lt. Col. John Frost''': Tell him to go to hell. :'''Carlyle''': We haven't the proper facilities to take you all prisoner! Sorry! :'''SS Panzer Officer''': ''[confused]'' What? :'''Maj. Harry Carlyle''': We'd like to, but we can't accept your surrender! Was there anything else? :''[German officer walks off silently]'' :'''Frost''': Right. :''[the officer returns across the bridge to Obergruppenführer Bittrich]'' :'''SS Panzer Officer''': Mein Herr General.... ''[dejectedly enters shotgun seat of General Bittrich's staff car]'' And now? :'''Obergruppenführer Bittrich''': ''[slowly]'' Flatten Arnhem. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lt. Col. John Frost''': Hello, Harry. :'''Maj. Harry Carlyle''': Hello. Johnny. :'''Frost''': You know, Harry; I always wanted to ask you, but didn't because I knew you so very much wanted me to and I didn't want to give you the satisfaction; but why the hell do you always carry that bloody umbrella? :'''Carlyle''': Memory. Bad...memory. Never could remember the password. Knew no Jerry would carry one. Had to prove...I was an Englishman. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Brig. Gen. James Gavin''': So that's it. We're pulling them out. It was [[w:Nijmegen|Nijmegen]]. :'''Lt. Col. J.O.E. Vandeleur''': It was the single road getting to Nijmegen. :'''Lt. Gen. Brian Horrocks''': No, it was after Nijmegen. :'''Lt. Gen. Frederick "Boy" Browning''': And the fog, in England. :'''Maj. Gen. Stanislaw Sosabowski''': Doesn't matter what it was. When one man says to another, "I know what let's do today, let's play the war game."... everybody dies. <hr width="50%"/> :''[MG Roy Urquhart has safely extracted from Arnhem and is now at General Browning's HQ]'' :'''Lt. Gen. Frederick "Boy" Browning''': Hello, Roy. How are you? :'''Maj. Gen. Roy Urquhart''': I'm not sure that I'll know for a while. But I'm sorry about the way it turned out. :'''Browning''': You did all you could. [[File:John Frost Brug (Arnhem) 03.jpg|right|225px|thumb|[[w:John Frost Bridge|John Frost Bridge]]<br>I always felt we tried to go a bridge too far.]] :'''Urqhart''': Yes, but did everyone else? :'''Browning''': They've got a bed for you upstairs if you want it. :'''Urqhart''': I took ten thousand men into Arnhem. I've come out with less than two. I don't feel much like sleeping. :'''Browning''': Quite. I've just been on to Monty. He's very proud and pleased. :'''Urquhart''': Pleased? :'''Browning''': Of course. He thinks Market Garden was 90% successful. :'''Urquhart''': But what do you think? :'''Browning''': Well, as you know, I always felt we tried to go a bridge too far. ''[Urquhart stares silently at him]'' == Cast == * [[w:Dirk Bogarde|Dirk Bogarde]] - Lt. Gen. [[w:Frederick Browning|Frederick "Boy" Browning]] * [[w:James Caan (actor)|James Caan]] - Staff Sergeant Eddie Dohun * [[w:Michael Caine|Michael Caine]] - Lt. Col. [[w:John Ormsby Evelyn Vandeleur|J.O.E. Vandeleur]] * [[w:Michael Byrne (actor)|Michael Byrne]] - Lt. Col. [[w:Giles Vandeleur|Giles Vandeleur]] * [[Sean Connery]] - Major General [[w:Roy Urquhart|Roy Urquhart]] * [[w:Edward Fox (actor)|Edward Fox]] - Lt. Gen. [[w:Brian Horrocks|Brian Horrocks]] * [[w:Elliott Gould|Elliott Gould]] - Col. Robert Stout * [[w:Gene Hackman|Gene Hackman]] - Maj. Gen. [[Stanisław Sosabowski]] * [[Anthony Hopkins]] - Lt. Col. [[w:John Frost (British Army officer)|John Frost]] * [[w:Ryan O'Neal|Ryan O'Neal]] - Brig. Gen. [[w:James M. Gavin|James Gavin]] * [[w:Robert Redford|Robert Redford]] - Maj. [[w:Julian Cook|Julian Cook]] * [[Laurence Olivier]] - Dr. Jan Spaander * [[w:Liv Ullmann|Liv Ullmann]] - [[w:Kate ter Horst|Kate ter Horst]] * [[w:Nicholas Campbell|Nicholas Campbell]] - Capt. Glass * [[w:Denholm Elliott|Denholm Elliott]] - [[w:RAF|RAF]] meteorological officer * [[w:Peter Faber (actor)|Peter Faber]] - Capt. Arie D. "Harry" Bestebreurtje * [[w:Christopher Good|Christopher Good]] - Maj. Carlyle * [[w:Frank Grimes (actor)|Frank Grimes]] - Maj. Fuller * [[w:Jeremy Kemp|Jeremy Kemp]] - RAF briefing officer * [[w:Paul Copley|Paul Copley]] - Pete Wicks * [[w:Donald Douglas (actor)|Donald Douglas]] - Brigadier Gerald Lathbury * [[w:Keith Drinkel|Keith Drinkel]] - Lieutenant Cornish * [http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0268200 Colin Farrell] - Corporal Hancock * [[w:Richard Kane|Richard Kane]] - Col. Weaver * [[w:Paul Maxwell|Paul Maxwell]] - Maj. Gen. Maxwell Taylor * [[w:Stephen Moore|Stephen Moore]] - Maj. Robert Steele * [[w:Donald Pickering|Donald Pickering]] - Lt. Col. C.B. Mackenzie * [[w:Gerald Sim|Gerald Sim]] - Col. Sims * [[w:John Stride|John Stride]] - Grenadier Guards major * [[w:Alun Armstrong|Alun Armstrong]] - Cpl. Davies * [[w:David Auker|David Auker]] - "Taffy" Brace * [[w:Michael Bangerter|Michael Bangerter]] - British staff colonel * [[w:Philip Raymond|Philip Raymond]] - Grenadier Guards Colonel * [[w:Michael Graham Cox|Michael Graham Cox]] - Capt. Jimmy Cleminson * [[w:Garrick Hagon|Garrick Hagon]] - Lieutenant Rafferty * [[w:John Ratzenberger|John Ratzenberger]] - Lt James Megellas * [[w:Arthur Hill|Arthur Hill]] - U.S. Army surgeon (colonel) * [[w:Mark Sheridan|Mark Sheridan]] - Sergeant Tomblin * [[w:George Innes|George Innes]] - Sergeant MacDonald * [[w:Hardy Krüger|Hardy Krüger]] - [[w:SS-Brigadeführer|SS-Brigadeführer]] Ludwig * [[w:Maximilian Schell|Maximilian Schell]] - [[w:SS-Obergruppenführer|SS-Obergruppenführer]] [[Wilhelm Bittrich]] * [[w:Wolfgang Preiss|Wolfgang Preiss]] - [[w:Generalfeldmarschall|Generalfeldmarschall]] [[Gerd von Rundstedt]] * [[w:Walter Kohut|Walter Kohut]] - Generalfeldmarschall [[Walter Model]] == External links == {{wikipedia}} * {{IMDb title| id=0075784| title=A Bridge Too Far}} * {{mojo title | id=bridgetoofar | title=A Bridge Too Far}} * {{Amg movie|7107|A Bridge Too Far}} * [http://www.britishcinemagreats.com/films_page/a_bridge_too_far/a_bridge_too_far_page_one.htm ''A Bridge Too Far''] at British Cinema Greats {{DEFAULTSORT:Bridge Too Far, A (film)}} [[Category:1977 films]] [[Category:British films]] [[Category:Epic films]] [[Category:Films based on novels]] [[Category:World War II films]] [[Category:Screenplays by William Goldman]] [[Category:Films directed by Richard Attenborough]] oap3ajz0um3yjtrlivk7qtf9xs23zcd 3153083 3153081 2022-08-10T01:37:53Z Eaglestorm 16205 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Waves of paratroops land in Holland.jpg|right|225px|thumb|[[w:Operation Market Garden|Operation Market Garden]]<br>Whats the best way to take a bridge?<br>Both ends at once...]] {{italic title}} '''''[[w:A Bridge Too Far (film)|A Bridge Too Far]]''''' is a [[w:1977 in film|1977 epic war film]] that provides an historic telling of the failed attempt to capture several bridges to Germany in World War II in a campaign called [[w:Operation Market-Garden|Operation Market-Garden]]. The film has achieved classic status as it covered the entire operation, from all sides, British, American, German, Polish and Dutch. :''Directed by [[w:Richard Attenborough|Richard Attenborough]]. Written by [[w:William Goldman|William Goldman]], based on [[w:A Bridge Too Far (novel)|the novel]] by [[w:Cornelius Ryan|Cornelius Ryan]].'' <center>'''Out of the sky comes the screen's most incredible spectacle of men and war!'''</center> :''[Note: any German dialogue are translations of the spoken text]'' == Dialogue == :'''Capt. Arie D. "Harry" Bestebreurtje''': Why the emergency meeting? :'''Brig. Gen. James Gavin''': Just keeping me abreast of the little changes. :'''Bestebreurtje''': How big are the little changes? :'''Gavin''': I'll answer with typical British understatement: gigantic. For example, they can't get us all in at once. Too many men, too much equipment, not enough planes. It's gonna take three days to get the men into Arnhem, Poles and the British. :'''Bestebreurtje''': Well, what about us? :'''Gavin''': We'll be all right. Aside from the fact that we're parachuting in daylight, we have nothing to worry about. :'''Bestebreurtje''': Daylight? Has it ever been tried before? :'''Gavin''': Not in a major drop. :'''Bestebreurtje''': You think there might be a reason for that? :'''Gavin''': Let's hope not. :'''Bestebreurtje''': What do you think? :'''Gavin''': It'll be all right. It's a no-moon period anyway. We have to go in daylight. It doesn't matter. Just so they get us over the target area. Half a mile away, three quarters of a mile, I'll settle for that– :'''Bestebreurtje''': I don't want to hear anything else. Is there anything else? :'''Gavin''': Well, you're my Dutch adviser, Harry. :'''Bestebreurtje''': I forgot to tell you something? :'''Gavin''': Only that the Germans first tried to take Nijmegen bridge themselves back in 1940 and got slaughtered. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Generalfeldmarschall Model's aide''': Field Marshal, pardon me for interrupting, but ... British paratroops have apparently landed ... three kilometres from here. :'''Generalfeldmarschall Walther Model''': Why should they do that? There is nothing valuable here. ... ''Me!'' ''I'' am valuable here. They have all come just to capture me. ''[stands from his lunch and moves to the door]'' Get my driver and car. :'''Aide''': Yes, Herr Marshal! :'''Model''': Evacuate my headquarters! :'''Aide''': Yes, sir! :'''Model''': ''[pops back in and shouts]'' And don't forget my cigars! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Horrocks''': ''[briefing his XXX Corps officers on Operation Market Garden]'' Gentlemen, this is a story that you shall tell your grandchildren, and mightily bored they'll be. ''[the officers laugh]'' The plan is called "Operation Market Garden". "Market" is the airborne element, and "Garden", the ground forces. That's us. ''[points to a map behind him of Holland, showing the positions of the Allied forces, and the path the Corps will take]'' Now, this is our position on the Belgian border, here. Tomorrow, three airborne divisions will begin landing in Holland. 35,000 men taking off from 24 airfields in troop-carrying planes or towed in gliders. The American 101st, here, around [[w:Eindhoven|Eindhoven]], the American 82nd, here, south of Nijmegen, and our own 1st Airborne boys, and a Polish brigade, here, at [[w:Arnhem|Arnhem]], 64 miles behind enemy lines. Now, their job is to take and hold all the bridges in these three areas. Our job is to punch a hole through the German front line, here, and then drive like hell up this road, linking up with each airborne division on the way. Speed is the vital factor. The plan is to reach Eindhoven in two to three hours, and Arnhem in two to three days. That, gentlemen, is the prize - the bridge over the Rhine, the last bridge between us and Germany. Kickoff will be at 1435 hours tomorrow afternoon. The Irish Guards under the command of Colonel Vandeleur, will take the lead. :'''Vandeleur''': ''[whispering to his cousin/aide]'' Christ, not us again. :'''Horrocks''': What do you say to that, Joe? :'''Vandeleur''': ''[getting up from his chair]'' Uh, delighted, sir. Truly delighted. :''[the officers erupts in laughter again as Horrocks smiles. Vandeleur sits back down]'' :'''Horrocks''': Now, I've selected you to lead us not only because of your extraordinary fighting ability, but also because - in the unlikely event that the Germans ever get you, they will assume from your attire that they've captured a wretched peasant, and immediately send you on your way. :''[the corps laughs at Horrocks' comments; Vandeleur smiles]'' :'''Horrocks''': Now, maintaining the speed of our advance will no doubt be tough going, as it's a single highway. But no matter what, we must reach those 1st Airborne boys in 48 hours. Now, gentlemen, I'm not saying that this will be the easiest party that we've ever attended, but I still wouldn't miss it for the world. ''[pauses]'' I'd like to think of this as one of those American western films. The paratroops, lacking substantial equipment, always short of food - these are the besieged homesteaders, the Germans, well naturally, they're the bad guys, and XXX Corps, we my friends, are the cavalry, on the way to the rescue. :''[the room bursts into applause]'' [[File:British Paratroops inside one of the C-47 transport aircraft.jpg|right|225px|thumb|Gentlemen, this is a story that you shall tell your grandchildren...]] <hr width="50%"/> [[File:Photograph taken through the window of a troop carrying glider.jpg|right|225px|thumb|Only the weather can stop us now...]] :'''Lt. Gen. Frederick Browning''': Only the weather can stop us now. :'''Maj. Gen. Stanislaw Sosabowski''': Weather! ''Christus! ''[MG Roy Urquhart looks at Sosabowski]'' General Browning, what of the Germans? Don't you think that if we know Arnhem is so critical to their safety that they might know it too? ''[Urquhart leaves]'' :'''Browning''': Now, look here. The few troops in the area are second-class. They're not frontline caliber, not at all, do you understand? I think you ought to have a little more faith in Montgomery's intelligence reports, you know. He's done pretty well for us in last three or four years. :'''Sosabowski''': I will tell you the extent of my faith. I am thinking of asking for a letter from you stating that I was forced to act under your orders in case my men are massacred. :'''Browning''': I see... I do see. Do you wish such a letter? :'''Sosabowski''': No... No, of course not. In the case of massacre, what difference will it make? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Corp. Hancock''': Sir. ''[Offers mug of tea]'' :'''Maj. Gen. Roy Urquhart''': Hancock. I've got lunatics laughing at me from the woods. My original plan has been scuppered now that the jeeps haven't arrived. My communications are completely broken down. Do you really believe any of that can be helped by a cup of tea? :'''Corp. Hancock''': Couldn't hurt, sir. ''[Urquhart accepts the tea]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Capt. Glass''': My problem is, I'm not totally crazy about the prospect of dying. [[File:Bundesarchiv Bild Wilhelm Bittrich.jpg|right|215px|thumb|Obergruppenführer [[w:Wilhelm Bittrich|Wilhelm Bittrich]]:<br>Flatten Arnhem.]] :'''SSgt. Eddie Dohun''': So don't die. Drinking that garbage isn't gonna keep you alive, is it? :'''Glass''': What is? :'''Dohun''': What is? Well, not gettin' shot. :'''Glass''': What can guarantee that? :'''Dohun''': Nothing, for sure. :'''Glass''': You will. :'''Dohun''': I will what? :'''Glass''': You tell me, Eddie. You tell me I won't die. :'''Dohun''': Alright, you won't die. :'''Glass''': No, no. Guarantee me. I want you to guarantee me I won't die. :'''Dohun''': ''[seriously]'' I guarantee you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''SSgt. Eddie Dohun''': Colonel, if you don't look at him right now, he's going to die. :'''U.S. medical colonel''': He's dead now. :'''Dohun''': It would mean a lot to me, sir, if you'd check him out. :'''U.S. medical colonel''': Come on, Sergeant! For Chrissakes get him out of here! :'''Dohun''':''[briefly goes out, returns]'' Would you look at him please, sir. ''[brandishes .45 Pistol]'' Right now. Or I'll blow your fuckin' head off. ''[cocks the .45]'' Right now. :'''U.S. medical colonel''': I can give him a quick examination if you like. :'''Dohun''': Thank you very much, sir. <hr width="50%"/> :'''U.S. medical colonel''': ''[To military policeman Lt. Rafferty]'' Sergeant Dohun pulled a gun on me and threatened to kill me unless I did precisely what he ordered...I want you to put him under arrest. :'''Lt. Rafferty''': Yes sir. :'''U.S. medical colonel''': I want you to keep him there; I want you to keep him there, for at least ten seconds. :'''Rafferty''': ''[brief pause]'' I'm not all that sure I understand, Colonel. :'''U.S. medical colonel''': Count to ten, Lieutenant, fast. :'''Rafferty''': One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. Like that, sir? :'''U.S. medical colonel''': ''[dismisses him]'' Thank you, Lieutenant. ''[Rafferty salutes and leaves, confused]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Brig. Gen. James Gavin''': What's the best way to take a bridge? :'''Maj. Julian Cook''': Both ends at once. :'''Gavin''': I'm sending two companies across the river by boat. I need a man with very special qualities to lead. :'''Cook''': Go on, sir. :'''Gavin''': He's got to be tough enough to do it and he's got to be experienced enough to do it. Plus one more thing. He's got to be dumb enough to do it... Start getting ready. :'''U.S. captain''': What was all that about, Major? :'''Cook''': Well, someone's come up with a real nightmare. Real nightmare. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Maj. Julian Cook''': I have just been informed that our Nine O'Clock arrival has been postponed until ten, so you can all have an extra hour of fun and relaxation. :'''U.S. lieutenant''': Major, we got any more information on those boats? :'''Cook''': I have been reliably informed that they float. Outside of that we don't know squat. Not how many, not how heavy, not how big. We are sure that the river is wide and the current is strong and if there is any more cheery information that comes along I'll just be too happy to pass it along. In the meantime just think of this as on the job training. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gen. Ludwig''': Not possible. :'''Dr. Spaander''': If you would just say yes, it would be very possible. :'''Gen. Ludwig''': Forgive me, but there is a battle. And we are in the process of winning it. :'''Dr. Spaander''': Winning or losing is not a concern. Living or dying is. Cease fire. One hour ... two ... just to evacuate our wounded. Afterwards you can kill us as much as you want. :''[SS-Obergruppenführer Bittrich walks in and admonishes Ludwig, who subsequently removes himself along with the staff]'' :'''Obergruppenführer Bittrich''': ''[in German]'' Your request will be met. The ceasefire will begin at three o'clock. <hr width="50%"/> :''[an SS officer is approaching under a white flag]'' :'''Maj. Harry Carlyle''': Rather interesting development, sir. ''[to the German]'' That's far enough! We can hear you from there! :'''SS Panzer Officer''': My general says there is no point in continuing this fighting! He is willing to discuss a surrender! :''[Short pause; the German waits for an answer, Frost thinks]'' :'''Lt. Col. John Frost''': Tell him to go to hell. :'''Carlyle''': We haven't the proper facilities to take you all prisoner! Sorry! :'''SS Panzer Officer''': ''[confused]'' What? :'''Maj. Harry Carlyle''': We'd like to, but we can't accept your surrender! Was there anything else? :''[German officer walks off silently]'' :'''Frost''': Right. :''[the officer returns across the bridge to Obergruppenführer Bittrich]'' :'''SS Panzer Officer''': Mein Herr General.... ''[dejectedly enters shotgun seat of General Bittrich's staff car]'' And now? :'''Obergruppenführer Bittrich''': ''[slowly]'' Flatten Arnhem. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lt. Col. John Frost''': Hello, Harry. :'''Maj. Harry Carlyle''': Hello. Johnny. :'''Frost''': You know, Harry; I always wanted to ask you, but didn't because I knew you so very much wanted me to and I didn't want to give you the satisfaction; but why the hell do you always carry that bloody umbrella? :'''Carlyle''': Memory. Bad...memory. Never could remember the password. Knew no Jerry would carry one. Had to prove...I was an Englishman. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Brig. Gen. James Gavin''': So that's it. We're pulling them out. It was [[w:Nijmegen|Nijmegen]]. :'''Lt. Col. J.O.E. Vandeleur''': It was the single road getting to Nijmegen. :'''Lt. Gen. Brian Horrocks''': No, it was after Nijmegen. :'''Lt. Gen. Frederick "Boy" Browning''': And the fog, in England. :'''Maj. Gen. Stanislaw Sosabowski''': Doesn't matter what it was. When one man says to another, "I know what let's do today, let's play the war game."... everybody dies. <hr width="50%"/> :''[MG Roy Urquhart has safely extracted from Arnhem and is now at General Browning's HQ]'' :'''Lt. Gen. Frederick "Boy" Browning''': Hello, Roy. How are you? :'''Maj. Gen. Roy Urquhart''': I'm not sure that I'll know for a while. But I'm sorry about the way it turned out. :'''Browning''': You did all you could. [[File:John Frost Brug (Arnhem) 03.jpg|right|225px|thumb|[[w:John Frost Bridge|John Frost Bridge]]<br>I always felt we tried to go a bridge too far.]] :'''Urqhart''': Yes, but did everyone else? :'''Browning''': They've got a bed for you upstairs if you want it. :'''Urqhart''': I took ten thousand men into Arnhem. I've come out with less than two. I don't feel much like sleeping. :'''Browning''': Quite. I've just been on to Monty. He's very proud and pleased. :'''Urquhart''': Pleased? :'''Browning''': Of course. He thinks Market Garden was 90% successful. :'''Urquhart''': But what do you think? :'''Browning''': Well, as you know, I always felt we tried to go a bridge too far. ''[Urquhart stares silently at him]'' == Cast == * [[w:Dirk Bogarde|Dirk Bogarde]] - Lt. Gen. [[w:Frederick Browning|Frederick "Boy" Browning]] * [[w:James Caan (actor)|James Caan]] - Staff Sergeant Eddie Dohun * [[w:Michael Caine|Michael Caine]] - Lt. Col. [[w:John Ormsby Evelyn Vandeleur|J.O.E. Vandeleur]] * [[w:Michael Byrne (actor)|Michael Byrne]] - Lt. Col. [[w:Giles Vandeleur|Giles Vandeleur]] * [[Sean Connery]] - Major General [[w:Roy Urquhart|Roy Urquhart]] * [[w:Edward Fox (actor)|Edward Fox]] - Lt. Gen. [[w:Brian Horrocks|Brian Horrocks]] * [[w:Elliott Gould|Elliott Gould]] - Col. Robert Stout * [[w:Gene Hackman|Gene Hackman]] - Maj. Gen. [[Stanisław Sosabowski]] * [[Anthony Hopkins]] - Lt. Col. [[w:John Frost (British Army officer)|John Frost]] * [[w:Ryan O'Neal|Ryan O'Neal]] - Brig. Gen. [[w:James M. Gavin|James Gavin]] * [[w:Robert Redford|Robert Redford]] - Maj. [[w:Julian Cook|Julian Cook]] * [[Laurence Olivier]] - Dr. Jan Spaander * [[w:Liv Ullmann|Liv Ullmann]] - [[w:Kate ter Horst|Kate ter Horst]] * [[w:Nicholas Campbell|Nicholas Campbell]] - Capt. Glass * [[w:Denholm Elliott|Denholm Elliott]] - [[w:RAF|RAF]] meteorological officer * [[w:Peter Faber (actor)|Peter Faber]] - Capt. Arie D. "Harry" Bestebreurtje * [[w:Christopher Good|Christopher Good]] - Maj. Carlyle * [[w:Frank Grimes (actor)|Frank Grimes]] - Maj. Fuller * [[w:Jeremy Kemp|Jeremy Kemp]] - RAF briefing officer * [[w:Paul Copley|Paul Copley]] - Pete Wicks * [[w:Donald Douglas (actor)|Donald Douglas]] - Brigadier Gerald Lathbury * [[w:Keith Drinkel|Keith Drinkel]] - Lieutenant Cornish * [http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0268200 Colin Farrell] - Corporal Hancock * [[w:Richard Kane|Richard Kane]] - Col. Weaver * [[w:Paul Maxwell|Paul Maxwell]] - Maj. Gen. Maxwell Taylor * [[w:Stephen Moore|Stephen Moore]] - Maj. Robert Steele * [[w:Donald Pickering|Donald Pickering]] - Lt. Col. C.B. Mackenzie * [[w:Gerald Sim|Gerald Sim]] - Col. Sims * [[w:John Stride|John Stride]] - Grenadier Guards major * [[w:Alun Armstrong|Alun Armstrong]] - Cpl. Davies * [[w:David Auker|David Auker]] - "Taffy" Brace * [[w:Michael Bangerter|Michael Bangerter]] - British staff colonel * [[w:Philip Raymond|Philip Raymond]] - Grenadier Guards Colonel * [[w:Michael Graham Cox|Michael Graham Cox]] - Capt. Jimmy Cleminson * [[w:Garrick Hagon|Garrick Hagon]] - Lieutenant Rafferty * [[w:John Ratzenberger|John Ratzenberger]] - Lt James Megellas * [[w:Arthur Hill|Arthur Hill]] - U.S. Army surgeon (colonel) * [[w:Mark Sheridan|Mark Sheridan]] - Sergeant Tomblin * [[w:George Innes|George Innes]] - Sergeant MacDonald * [[w:Hardy Krüger|Hardy Krüger]] - [[w:SS-Brigadeführer|SS-Brigadeführer]] Ludwig * [[w:Maximilian Schell|Maximilian Schell]] - [[w:SS-Obergruppenführer|SS-Obergruppenführer]] [[Wilhelm Bittrich]] * [[w:Wolfgang Preiss|Wolfgang Preiss]] - [[w:Generalfeldmarschall|Generalfeldmarschall]] [[Gerd von Rundstedt]] * [[w:Walter Kohut|Walter Kohut]] - Generalfeldmarschall [[Walter Model]] == External links == {{wikipedia}} * {{IMDb title| id=0075784| title=A Bridge Too Far}} * {{mojo title | id=bridgetoofar | title=A Bridge Too Far}} * {{Amg movie|7107|A Bridge Too Far}} * [http://www.britishcinemagreats.com/films_page/a_bridge_too_far/a_bridge_too_far_page_one.htm ''A Bridge Too Far''] at British Cinema Greats {{DEFAULTSORT:Bridge Too Far, A (film)}} [[Category:1977 films]] [[Category:British films]] [[Category:Epic films]] [[Category:Films based on novels]] [[Category:World War II films]] [[Category:Screenplays by William Goldman]] [[Category:Films directed by Richard Attenborough]] 9u3n1sd3oi7bvsgyxy7ya40jojdqz4z 0 141037 3152945 3066249 2022-08-09T16:27:04Z Philip Cross 7192 ce wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:It Ain't Half Hot Mum|It Ain't Half Hot Mum]]''''' is a British sitcom about the adventures of a Royal Artillery Concert Party, broadcast on the BBC between 1974 and 1981, and written by [[w:Jimmy Perry|Jimmy Perry]] and [[w:David Croft (TV producer)|David Croft]]. It was set in British India and Burma, during the last months of the Second World War in 1945. ==Series 1 (1974)== ===''Meet The Gang [1.1]''=== ''[First lines of the series]'' :'''Solly''': All right, fellas, all right, let's try it again. And this time, get it right! Remember, this is supposed to be a sophisticated number! You're all smart, New York men about town! :'''Mackintosh''': How can I be sophisticated in this heat? I'm sweating like a pig! :'''Gloria''': Just do what I do! Imagine you're sweating champagne and diamonds! :'''Solly''': All right, Gloria! <hr width=50%/> :'''Mackintosh''': We won't actually have to put the studs in, will we? :'''Solly''': No, of course not. :'''Gloria''': Oh, really, you great big sweaty butch idiot! :'''Mackintosh''': Look, pal, I've warned you once before... ''[Mackintosh lifts Gloria up underneath the arms, Solly splits them up]'' :'''Solly''': Knock it off! :'''Gloria''': He nearly did! <hr width=50%/> :'''Gloria''': It's typical, you always come in on my line! <hr width=50%/> :'''Sergeant Major''': You enjoying your tea, Gunner? :'''Graham''': Yes, thank you... :'''Sergeant Major''': WHAT THE HELL'S GOING ON?! <hr width=50%/> :'''Sergeant Major''': what's your name, Gunner? :'''Parky''': Parkins, sir. :'''Sergeant Major''': Where have you been? The rest of the draft arrived yesterday. You are twenty four hours late. :'''Parky''':Well, you see... :''' Sergeant Major''': SHUT UP! ==Series 2 (1975)== ===''The Natives Are Revolting [2.3]''=== :'''Sergeant Major''': What's going on here, then? :'''Solly''': I thought we'd have a parade, Sergeant Major. :'''Sergeant Major''': Shut up. Why? :'''Graham''': Well, we... we rather wanted to parade, Sergeant Major. :'''Sergeant Major''': All right, Mr la-di-da Gunner Graham, if you wants a parade, you gets a parade! ''[sniggers]'' Right, lovely boys, Squad 'SHUN! Four paces forward, MARCH! Left, right, left, HALT! ABOUT TURN! Right, now the sun is out of my eyes, I can see you proper. And a bunch of poofs you is. <hr width=50%/> :''[The Sergeant Major has just spotted the stones outside the battery office rearranged to say 'British Pigs Go Home']'' :'''Sergeant Major''': Bombardier? :'''Solly''': Sir? :'''Sergeant Major''': Who did this? :'''Solly''': No idea, sir, nothing to do with us... :'''Sergeant Major''': Shut up. Bearer? :'''Rangi''': Sergeant Major sahib? :'''Sergeant Major''': Who did this? :'''Rangi''': N-n-n-nothing to do... :'''Sergeant Major''': Shut up. Shut up. Shut up! Shut up! SHUT UP! <hr width=50%/> :'''Col. Reynolds''': Feeling better now, Sergeant Major? :'''Sergeant Major''': Yes, thank you, sir. I'm sorry about that. It was just the sight of... 'British Pigs Go Home'! :'''Col. Reynolds''': Yes, yes, most aggrivating. <hr width=50%/> :'''Sergeant Major''': What is that? :'''Solly''': Looks like the Indian National Flag, Sergeant Major. :'''Sergeant Major''': The Indian National shut up. They've done it again. They've done it again. GET IT DOWN! GET IT DOWN! ==External links== {{Wikipedia}} [[Category:Cancelled shows]] [[Category:UK sitcoms]] [[Category:BBC shows]] otpejx00n7sbnhydk5u5303u3wzce2j 1 142454 3152941 2724863 2022-08-09T15:46:19Z 178.138.32.70 /* Hello */ new section wikitext text/x-wiki {{talkheader}} {{quotation limit|type=film|length= 122 min}} == Copyright == It seems the second quote contains about 700 words while max 250 is acceptable. -- [[User:Mdd|Mdd]] ([[User talk:Mdd|talk]]) 19:06, 4 March 2013 (UTC) :I've remedied this - I split the speech up, trimmed some fat and then removed other quotes to get it back within the limit. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 19:49, 4 March 2013 (UTC) ::Thanks for fixing this right away. -- [[User:Mdd|Mdd]] ([[User talk:Mdd|talk]]) 20:20, 4 March 2013 (UTC) == Hello == Hello [[Special:Contributions/178.138.32.70|178.138.32.70]] 15:46, 9 August 2022 (UTC) copwgurgrfb92386rcep5azqe8vkxw4 0 145532 3152961 3070003 2022-08-09T17:54:40Z Philip Cross 7192 ce wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[:w:Julie Burchill|Julie Burchill]]''' (born 3 July 1959) is an English writer, who began as writer for the ''{{w|New Musical Express}}'' at the age of 17. She has written for newspapers such as ''The Sunday Times'' and ''The Guardian'', and has declared herself a "militant feminist" == Quotes == * The freedom that women were supposed to have found in the Sixties largely boiled down to easy contraception and abortion; things to make life easier for men, in fact. ** ''Damaged Gods'' (1986). * '''[[w:Prostitution|Prostitution]] is the supreme triumph of [[w:Capitalism|capitalism]]'''.... Worst of all, prostitution reinforces all the old dumb clichés about women's sexuality; that they are not built to enjoy sex and are little more than walking masturbation aids, things to be DONE TO, things so sensually null and void that they have to be ''paid'' to indulge in fornication, that women can be had, bought, as often as not sold from one man to another. '''When the sex war is won prostitutes should be shot as collaborators for their terrible betrayal of all women, for the moral tarring and feathering they give indigenous women who have had the bad luck to live in what they make their humping ground.''' ** "Born Again Cows", [https://www.fantasticfiction.com/b/julie-burchill/damaged-gods.htm ''Damaged Gods''] (1986, {{ISBN|9780099469902}}, [https://books.google.com/books?id=4cl5c4T9LWkC&pg=PA743&dq=Julie+Burchill+%22Prostitution+is+the+supreme+triumph+of+capitalism.%22&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwjelO7QzPXUAhUCID4KHWHvDkYQ6AEIJzAA#v=onepage&q=Julie%20Burchill%20%22Prostitution%20is%20the%20supreme%20triumph%20of%20capitalism.%22&f=false as quoted] in Robert Andrews' [https://www.worldcat.org/title/columbia-dictionary-of-quotations/oclc/28675061 ''The Columbia Dictionary of Quotations''] (1993, {{ISBN|978-0231071949}}, p. 743. * A good part — and definitely the most fun part — of being a feminist is about frightening men. American and Australian feminists have always known this, and absorbed it cheerfully into their act; one thinks of {{w|Shere Hite}} julienning men on phone- in shows, or {{w|Dale Spender}} telling us that a good feminist is rude to a man at least three times a day ''on principle''. Of course, there's a lot more to feminism... but scaring the shit out of scumbags is an amusing and necessary part because, sadly, a good many men still respect nothing but strength, ** Burchill (1990) ''The Sunday Times''; as cited in: Christopher W. Tindale (1999) ''Acts of arguing: a rhetorical model of argument''. p. 58 * Whenever I am sent a new book on the lively arts, the first thing I do is look for myself in the index. ** Burchill (1992) in ''The Spectator''. 16 January 1992; cited in: Ned Sherrin (2008) ''Oxford Dictionary of Humorous Quotations''. p. 170 * Tears are sometimes an inappropriate response to death. When a life has been lived completely honestly, completely successfully, or just completely, the correct response to death's perfect punctuation mark is a smile. ** Attributed to Burchill in: Mark Water (2000) ''The New Encyclopedia of Christian Quotations''. p. 111 * We may be saddled with Bush and Blair, but you've got Prince Charles (a big friend of the Islamic world, probably because of its large number of feudal kingdoms and hardline attitude to uppity women), the Catholic church (taking a brief break from buggering babies to condemn any western attack as "morally unacceptable") and posturing pansies such as Sean Penn, Sheryl Crow and Damon Albarn. ** Julie Burchill (2003) "[http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2003/feb/01/iraq.comment Why we should go to war" ''The Guardian'' (1 February 2003). * [[Cherie Blair]] can call herself a feminist all she likes, but any feminist worth her salt would have made a point of having a termination - on the NHS, naturally - when she got knocked up the last time. . . Famous women would rather admit to having been sexually abused as children than to having had a termination. . . Myself, I'd as soon weep over my taken tonsils or my absent appendix as snivel over those [five] abortions. I had a choice, and I chose life - mine. ** Julie Burchill (2005), British feminist and abortion advocate, from "Abortion: still a dirty word" in ''The Guardian'' (25 May 2005)[http://www.guardian.co.uk/weekend/story/0,3605,720719,00.html]. * The only kind of socialist to be is a Stalinist, and the only kind of woman to be is a Bitch. ** Attributed to Burchill in: David Mamet (2008) "[http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/politics/from-left-to-right-on-the-midlife-political-conversions-796267.html From left to right: on the mid-life political conversions.]" ''The Independent'' (15 March 2008). * A woman who looks like a girl and thinks like a man is the best sort, the most enjoyable to be with and the most pleasurable to have and to hold. ** Attributed to Julie Burchill in: Austin Imoru (2008) ''The Woman and Her Sexuality''. p. 109 === ''Sex & sensibility'' (1992) === Julie Burchill (1992) ''Sex & sensibility''. * Writing is more than anything a compulsion, like some people wash their hands thirty times a day for fear of awful consequences if they do not. It pays a whole lot better than this type of compulsion, but it is no more heroic. ** p. 20 * It has been said (by Shelley Winters) that a pretty face is a passport. But it's not - it's a visa, and it runs out fast. ** p. 55 == External links == {{wikipedia}} *[http://www.julieburchill.org.uk/ Unofficial Julie Burchill website] *[http://www.guardian.co.uk/Columnists/Archive/0,5673,-4,00.html ''Guardian'' columns by Julie Burchill] *[http://www.spikemagazine.com/0605-julie-burchill.php Hurricane Julie] 2005 Spike Magazine extensive interview with Julie Burchill *[http://www.channel4.com/life/microsites/S/sugar_rush/index.html Details of Sugar Rush on Channel Four] *[http://homepage.ntlworld.com/l_tabraham/jbrr.htm The Julie Burchill Random Recycler] {{DEFAULTSORT:Burchill, Julie}} [[Category:1959 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:People from Bristol]] [[Category:Novelists from England]] [[Category:English journalists]] [[Category:Columnists]] [[Category:Feminists from England]] [[Category:LGBT people]] [[Category:British women]] 3wbn30kn6q1jluk9256hryna7h9if3l 3152962 3152961 2022-08-09T17:56:43Z Philip Cross 7192 /* Quotes */ ce wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[:w:Julie Burchill|Julie Burchill]]''' (born 3 July 1959) is an English writer, who began as writer for the ''{{w|New Musical Express}}'' at the age of 17. She has written for newspapers such as ''The Sunday Times'' and ''The Guardian'', and has declared herself a "militant feminist" == Quotes == * The freedom that women were supposed to have found in the Sixties largely boiled down to easy contraception and abortion; things to make life easier for men, in fact. ** ''Damaged Gods'' (1986). * '''[[w:Prostitution|Prostitution]] is the supreme triumph of [[w:Capitalism|capitalism]]'''.... Worst of all, prostitution reinforces all the old dumb clichés about women's sexuality; that they are not built to enjoy sex and are little more than walking masturbation aids, things to be DONE TO, things so sensually null and void that they have to be ''paid'' to indulge in fornication, that women can be had, bought, as often as not sold from one man to another. '''When the sex war is won prostitutes should be shot as collaborators for their terrible betrayal of all women, for the moral tarring and feathering they give indigenous women who have had the bad luck to live in what they make their humping ground.''' ** "Born Again Cows", [https://www.fantasticfiction.com/b/julie-burchill/damaged-gods.htm ''Damaged Gods''] (1986, {{ISBN|9780099469902}}, [https://books.google.com/books?id=4cl5c4T9LWkC&pg=PA743&dq=Julie+Burchill+%22Prostitution+is+the+supreme+triumph+of+capitalism.%22&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwjelO7QzPXUAhUCID4KHWHvDkYQ6AEIJzAA#v=onepage&q=Julie%20Burchill%20%22Prostitution%20is%20the%20supreme%20triumph%20of%20capitalism.%22&f=false as quoted] in Robert Andrews' [https://www.worldcat.org/title/columbia-dictionary-of-quotations/oclc/28675061 ''The Columbia Dictionary of Quotations''] (1993, {{ISBN|978-0231071949}}, p. 743. * A good part — and definitely the most fun part — of being a feminist is about frightening men. American and Australian feminists have always known this, and absorbed it cheerfully into their act; one thinks of {{w|Shere Hite}} julienning men on phone- in shows, or {{w|Dale Spender}} telling us that a good feminist is rude to a man at least three times a day ''on principle''. Of course, there's a lot more to feminism... but scaring the shit out of scumbags is an amusing and necessary part because, sadly, a good many men still respect nothing but strength, ** ''The Sunday Times'' (1990); as cited in: Christopher W. Tindale (1999) ''Acts of arguing: a rhetorical model of argument''. p. 58 * Whenever I am sent a new book on the lively arts, the first thing I do is look for myself in the index. ** Burchill (1992) in ''The Spectator'' (16 January 1992); cited in: Ned Sherrin (2008) ''Oxford Dictionary of Humorous Quotations''. p. 170 * Tears are sometimes an inappropriate response to death. When a life has been lived completely honestly, completely successfully, or just completely, the correct response to death's perfect punctuation mark is a smile. ** Attributed to Burchill in: Mark Water (2000) ''The New Encyclopedia of Christian Quotations''. p. 111 * We may be saddled with Bush and Blair, but you've got Prince Charles (a big friend of the Islamic world, probably because of its large number of feudal kingdoms and hardline attitude to uppity women), the Catholic church (taking a brief break from buggering babies to condemn any western attack as "morally unacceptable") and posturing pansies such as Sean Penn, Sheryl Crow and Damon Albarn. ** "[http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2003/feb/01/iraq.comment Why we should go to war" ''The Guardian'' (1 February 2003). * [[Cherie Blair]] can call herself a feminist all she likes, but any feminist worth her salt would have made a point of having a termination - on the NHS, naturally - when she got knocked up the last time. . . Famous women would rather admit to having been sexually abused as children than to having had a termination. . . Myself, I'd as soon weep over my taken tonsils or my absent appendix as snivel over those [five] abortions. I had a choice, and I chose life - mine. ** from "Abortion: still a dirty word" in ''The Guardian'' (25 May 2005)[http://www.guardian.co.uk/weekend/story/0,3605,720719,00.html]. * The only kind of socialist to be is a Stalinist, and the only kind of woman to be is a Bitch. ** Attributed to Burchill in: David Mamet (2008) "[http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/politics/from-left-to-right-on-the-midlife-political-conversions-796267.html From left to right: on the mid-life political conversions.]" ''The Independent'' (15 March 2008). * A woman who looks like a girl and thinks like a man is the best sort, the most enjoyable to be with and the most pleasurable to have and to hold. ** Attributed to Julie Burchill in: Austin Imoru (2008) ''The Woman and Her Sexuality''. p. 109 === ''Sex & sensibility'' (1992) === Julie Burchill (1992) ''Sex & sensibility''. * Writing is more than anything a compulsion, like some people wash their hands thirty times a day for fear of awful consequences if they do not. It pays a whole lot better than this type of compulsion, but it is no more heroic. ** p. 20 * It has been said (by Shelley Winters) that a pretty face is a passport. But it's not - it's a visa, and it runs out fast. ** p. 55 == External links == {{wikipedia}} *[http://www.julieburchill.org.uk/ Unofficial Julie Burchill website] *[http://www.guardian.co.uk/Columnists/Archive/0,5673,-4,00.html ''Guardian'' columns by Julie Burchill] *[http://www.spikemagazine.com/0605-julie-burchill.php Hurricane Julie] 2005 Spike Magazine extensive interview with Julie Burchill *[http://www.channel4.com/life/microsites/S/sugar_rush/index.html Details of Sugar Rush on Channel Four] *[http://homepage.ntlworld.com/l_tabraham/jbrr.htm The Julie Burchill Random Recycler] {{DEFAULTSORT:Burchill, Julie}} [[Category:1959 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:People from Bristol]] [[Category:Novelists from England]] [[Category:English journalists]] [[Category:Columnists]] [[Category:Feminists from England]] [[Category:LGBT people]] [[Category:British women]] ltvqoepgfdfrrphq98ww3y93buyu0s2 3152964 3152962 2022-08-09T17:57:30Z Philip Cross 7192 ce wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[:w:Julie Burchill|Julie Burchill]]''' (born 3 July 1959) is an English writer, who began as writer for the ''{{w|New Musical Express}}'' at the age of 17. She has written for newspapers such as ''The Sunday Times'' and ''The Guardian'', and has declared herself a "militant feminist" == Quotes == * The freedom that women were supposed to have found in the Sixties largely boiled down to easy contraception and abortion; things to make life easier for men, in fact. ** ''Damaged Gods'' (1986). * '''[[w:Prostitution|Prostitution]] is the supreme triumph of [[w:Capitalism|capitalism]]'''.... Worst of all, prostitution reinforces all the old dumb clichés about women's sexuality; that they are not built to enjoy sex and are little more than walking masturbation aids, things to be DONE TO, things so sensually null and void that they have to be ''paid'' to indulge in fornication, that women can be had, bought, as often as not sold from one man to another. '''When the sex war is won prostitutes should be shot as collaborators for their terrible betrayal of all women, for the moral tarring and feathering they give indigenous women who have had the bad luck to live in what they make their humping ground.''' ** "Born Again Cows", [https://www.fantasticfiction.com/b/julie-burchill/damaged-gods.htm ''Damaged Gods''] (1986, {{ISBN|9780099469902}}, [https://books.google.com/books?id=4cl5c4T9LWkC&pg=PA743&dq=Julie+Burchill+%22Prostitution+is+the+supreme+triumph+of+capitalism.%22&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwjelO7QzPXUAhUCID4KHWHvDkYQ6AEIJzAA#v=onepage&q=Julie%20Burchill%20%22Prostitution%20is%20the%20supreme%20triumph%20of%20capitalism.%22&f=false as quoted] in Robert Andrews' [https://www.worldcat.org/title/columbia-dictionary-of-quotations/oclc/28675061 ''The Columbia Dictionary of Quotations''] (1993, {{ISBN|978-0231071949}}, p. 743. * A good part — and definitely the most fun part — of being a feminist is about frightening men. American and Australian feminists have always known this, and absorbed it cheerfully into their act; one thinks of {{w|Shere Hite}} julienning men on phone- in shows, or {{w|Dale Spender}} telling us that a good feminist is rude to a man at least three times a day ''on principle''. Of course, there's a lot more to feminism... but scaring the shit out of scumbags is an amusing and necessary part because, sadly, a good many men still respect nothing but strength, ** ''The Sunday Times'' (1990); as cited in: Christopher W. Tindale (1999) ''Acts of arguing: a rhetorical model of argument''. p. 58 * Whenever I am sent a new book on the lively arts, the first thing I do is look for myself in the index. ** Burchill (1992) in ''The Spectator'' (16 January 1992); cited in: Ned Sherrin (2008) ''Oxford Dictionary of Humorous Quotations''. p. 170 * Tears are sometimes an inappropriate response to death. When a life has been lived completely honestly, completely successfully, or just completely, the correct response to death's perfect punctuation mark is a smile. ** Attributed to Burchill in: Mark Water (2000) ''The New Encyclopedia of Christian Quotations''. p. 111 * We may be saddled with Bush and Blair, but you've got Prince Charles (a big friend of the Islamic world, probably because of its large number of feudal kingdoms and hardline attitude to uppity women), the Catholic church (taking a brief break from buggering babies to condemn any western attack as "morally unacceptable") and posturing pansies such as Sean Penn, Sheryl Crow and Damon Albarn. ** [http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2003/feb/01/iraq.comment "Why we should go to war"] ''The Guardian'' (1 February 2003). * [[Cherie Blair]] can call herself a feminist all she likes, but any feminist worth her salt would have made a point of having a termination - on the NHS, naturally - when she got knocked up the last time. . . Famous women would rather admit to having been sexually abused as children than to having had a termination. . . Myself, I'd as soon weep over my taken tonsils or my absent appendix as snivel over those [five] abortions. I had a choice, and I chose life - mine. ** from "Abortion: still a dirty word" in ''The Guardian'' (25 May 2005)[http://www.guardian.co.uk/weekend/story/0,3605,720719,00.html]. * The only kind of socialist to be is a Stalinist, and the only kind of woman to be is a Bitch. ** Attributed to Burchill in: David Mamet (2008) "[http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/politics/from-left-to-right-on-the-midlife-political-conversions-796267.html From left to right: on the mid-life political conversions.]" ''The Independent'' (15 March 2008). * A woman who looks like a girl and thinks like a man is the best sort, the most enjoyable to be with and the most pleasurable to have and to hold. ** Attributed to Julie Burchill in: Austin Imoru (2008) ''The Woman and Her Sexuality''. p. 109 === ''Sex & sensibility'' (1992) === Julie Burchill (1992) ''Sex & sensibility''. * Writing is more than anything a compulsion, like some people wash their hands thirty times a day for fear of awful consequences if they do not. It pays a whole lot better than this type of compulsion, but it is no more heroic. ** p. 20 * It has been said (by Shelley Winters) that a pretty face is a passport. But it's not - it's a visa, and it runs out fast. ** p. 55 == External links == {{wikipedia}} *[http://www.julieburchill.org.uk/ Unofficial Julie Burchill website] *[http://www.guardian.co.uk/Columnists/Archive/0,5673,-4,00.html ''Guardian'' columns by Julie Burchill] *[http://www.spikemagazine.com/0605-julie-burchill.php Hurricane Julie] 2005 Spike Magazine extensive interview with Julie Burchill *[http://www.channel4.com/life/microsites/S/sugar_rush/index.html Details of Sugar Rush on Channel Four] *[http://homepage.ntlworld.com/l_tabraham/jbrr.htm The Julie Burchill Random Recycler] {{DEFAULTSORT:Burchill, Julie}} [[Category:1959 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:People from Bristol]] [[Category:Novelists from England]] [[Category:English journalists]] [[Category:Columnists]] [[Category:Feminists from England]] [[Category:LGBT people]] [[Category:British women]] jh7g4mwrdrgmt6f27al3ruuzq62drjf 3152965 3152964 2022-08-09T17:58:20Z Philip Cross 7192 /* Quotes */ ce wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[:w:Julie Burchill|Julie Burchill]]''' (born 3 July 1959) is an English writer, who began as writer for the ''{{w|New Musical Express}}'' at the age of 17. She has written for newspapers such as ''The Sunday Times'' and ''The Guardian'', and has declared herself a "militant feminist" == Quotes == * The freedom that women were supposed to have found in the Sixties largely boiled down to easy contraception and abortion; things to make life easier for men, in fact. ** ''Damaged Gods'' (1986). * '''[[w:Prostitution|Prostitution]] is the supreme triumph of [[w:Capitalism|capitalism]]'''.... Worst of all, prostitution reinforces all the old dumb clichés about women's sexuality; that they are not built to enjoy sex and are little more than walking masturbation aids, things to be DONE TO, things so sensually null and void that they have to be ''paid'' to indulge in fornication, that women can be had, bought, as often as not sold from one man to another. '''When the sex war is won prostitutes should be shot as collaborators for their terrible betrayal of all women, for the moral tarring and feathering they give indigenous women who have had the bad luck to live in what they make their humping ground.''' ** "Born Again Cows", [https://www.fantasticfiction.com/b/julie-burchill/damaged-gods.htm ''Damaged Gods''] (1986, {{ISBN|9780099469902}}, [https://books.google.com/books?id=4cl5c4T9LWkC&pg=PA743&dq=Julie+Burchill+%22Prostitution+is+the+supreme+triumph+of+capitalism.%22&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwjelO7QzPXUAhUCID4KHWHvDkYQ6AEIJzAA#v=onepage&q=Julie%20Burchill%20%22Prostitution%20is%20the%20supreme%20triumph%20of%20capitalism.%22&f=false as quoted] in Robert Andrews' [https://www.worldcat.org/title/columbia-dictionary-of-quotations/oclc/28675061 ''The Columbia Dictionary of Quotations''] (1993, {{ISBN|978-0231071949}}, p. 743. * A good part — and definitely the most fun part — of being a feminist is about frightening men. American and Australian feminists have always known this, and absorbed it cheerfully into their act; one thinks of {{w|Shere Hite}} julienning men on phone- in shows, or {{w|Dale Spender}} telling us that a good feminist is rude to a man at least three times a day ''on principle''. Of course, there's a lot more to feminism... but scaring the shit out of scumbags is an amusing and necessary part because, sadly, a good many men still respect nothing but strength, ** ''The Sunday Times'' (1990); as cited in: Christopher W. Tindale (1999) ''Acts of arguing: a rhetorical model of argument''. p. 58 * Whenever I am sent a new book on the lively arts, the first thing I do is look for myself in the index. ** ''The Spectator'' (16 January 1992); cited in: Ned Sherrin (2008) ''Oxford Dictionary of Humorous Quotations''. p. 170 * Tears are sometimes an inappropriate response to death. When a life has been lived completely honestly, completely successfully, or just completely, the correct response to death's perfect punctuation mark is a smile. ** Attributed to Burchill in: Mark Water (2000) ''The New Encyclopedia of Christian Quotations''. p. 111 * We may be saddled with Bush and Blair, but you've got Prince Charles (a big friend of the Islamic world, probably because of its large number of feudal kingdoms and hardline attitude to uppity women), the Catholic church (taking a brief break from buggering babies to condemn any western attack as "morally unacceptable") and posturing pansies such as Sean Penn, Sheryl Crow and Damon Albarn. ** [http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2003/feb/01/iraq.comment "Why we should go to war"] ''The Guardian'' (1 February 2003). * [[Cherie Blair]] can call herself a feminist all she likes, but any feminist worth her salt would have made a point of having a termination - on the NHS, naturally - when she got knocked up the last time. . . Famous women would rather admit to having been sexually abused as children than to having had a termination. . . Myself, I'd as soon weep over my taken tonsils or my absent appendix as snivel over those [five] abortions. I had a choice, and I chose life - mine. ** from "Abortion: still a dirty word" in ''The Guardian'' (25 May 2005)[http://www.guardian.co.uk/weekend/story/0,3605,720719,00.html]. * The only kind of socialist to be is a Stalinist, and the only kind of woman to be is a Bitch. ** Attributed to Burchill in: David Mamet (2008) "[http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/politics/from-left-to-right-on-the-midlife-political-conversions-796267.html From left to right: on the mid-life political conversions.]" ''The Independent'' (15 March 2008). * A woman who looks like a girl and thinks like a man is the best sort, the most enjoyable to be with and the most pleasurable to have and to hold. ** Attributed to Julie Burchill in: Austin Imoru (2008) ''The Woman and Her Sexuality''. p. 109 === ''Sex & sensibility'' (1992) === Julie Burchill (1992) ''Sex & sensibility''. * Writing is more than anything a compulsion, like some people wash their hands thirty times a day for fear of awful consequences if they do not. It pays a whole lot better than this type of compulsion, but it is no more heroic. ** p. 20 * It has been said (by Shelley Winters) that a pretty face is a passport. But it's not - it's a visa, and it runs out fast. ** p. 55 == External links == {{wikipedia}} *[http://www.julieburchill.org.uk/ Unofficial Julie Burchill website] *[http://www.guardian.co.uk/Columnists/Archive/0,5673,-4,00.html ''Guardian'' columns by Julie Burchill] *[http://www.spikemagazine.com/0605-julie-burchill.php Hurricane Julie] 2005 Spike Magazine extensive interview with Julie Burchill *[http://www.channel4.com/life/microsites/S/sugar_rush/index.html Details of Sugar Rush on Channel Four] *[http://homepage.ntlworld.com/l_tabraham/jbrr.htm The Julie Burchill Random Recycler] {{DEFAULTSORT:Burchill, Julie}} [[Category:1959 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:People from Bristol]] [[Category:Novelists from England]] [[Category:English journalists]] [[Category:Columnists]] [[Category:Feminists from England]] [[Category:LGBT people]] [[Category:British women]] d7dvlb6rtzodkufd4pdsptkej2z328k 0 147253 3152986 3151099 2022-08-09T19:35:17Z 2601:40C:C200:ECC0:25E4:67F7:B256:D94E wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Planes (film)|Planes]]''''' is a 2012 American [[w:3D computer graphics|3D]] [[w:computer animation|computer-animated]] [[w:adventure film|adventure]] [[w:sports film|sports]] [[w:comedy film|comedy film]] produced by [[w:DisneyToon Studios|DisneyToon Studios]] and released by [[w:Walt Disney Pictures|Walt Disney Pictures]]. It is a [[w:spin-off (media)|spin-off]] of [[w:Pixar|Pixar]]'s [[w:Cars (franchise)|''Cars'' franchise]] and the first film in a planned [[w:Cars (franchise)#Planes|''Planes'']] series. {{film-stub}} ==Skipper== * It ain't how fast you fly, it's how you fly fast. You can fly a whole lot higher than you think. ==Dialogue== :'''Skipper''': It means "I fly for truth". Clearly, you don't. Sparky, push me back to the hangar. :'''Dusty''': Uh... uh... I'm afraid of heights! (Okay?) :'''Chug:''' But... you’re a plane. :'''Dusty:''' I’m a crop duster. I’ve never flown over a thousand feet. :'''Skipper''': Are you kidding? Scared of heights and you want to race around the world? <hr width=60%> :'''Zed''': It's really compelling underdog story. Like ''Old Yeller''. :'''Ned''': That's not an underdog story! :'''Zed''': There's a dog in it. <hr width=60%> :'''Skipper''': ''[Telling Dusty the truth of his past]'' My first patrol as a Jolly Wrench was at Glendal Canal. My squadron was all rookies, all razor-sharp. I should know, I trained every single one of them. :''[A flashback is shown of Skipper's backstory, of him flying with his squadron in WW2.]'' :'''Skipper''': It was supposed to be a routine mission; A milk run. :'''Lucas''': ''[In the flashback, spotting a Japanese battleship]'' Look Skipper! Enemy ship, 2:00 low, two miles! Easy pickings! What do you say? :'''Skipper''': ''[In the flashback]'' Negative, Jigsaw 2. Our orders are to recon and report back. :'''Lucas''': Come on, Skip! It will be a turkey shoot! :'''Other Plane''': Let's do it, Skipper! :'''Skipper''': Alright, let's go in for a closer look, but keep your distance! :''[Skipper and his Squadron dive down towards the battleship. When they get through the clouds, it reveals that it's not just one ship; it's a whole fleet of Japanese battleships. The ships immediately all begin shooting at them.]'' :'''Lucas''': ''[terrified]'' HOLY COW! IT'S THE WHOLE ENEMY FLEET!! :'''Skipper''': ''[voiceover]'' It was too late to pull up. :''[The squadron returns fire, but bombs hit the planes, causing many to explode.]'' :'''Skipper''': ''[In the flashback]'' Get out of there, Lucas!! :''[One by one, each of the planes is shot down. On fire, they all crash into the sea...including Skipper. Hours later, the badly damaged Skipper is rescued by an American Aircraft Carrier. A medic pitty silently informs him he's the only survivor of the attack. Skipper is devastated beyond words, tears in his eyes as the flashback ends]'' :'''Skipper''': ''[Voiceover as flashback ends]'' My whole squadron... under ''my'' command. :''[Dusty is shocked beyond words]'' :'''Skipper''': After that... I just couldn't bring myself to fly again. Let me ask you something, Dusty. If you knew the truth about my past, would you have asked me to train you? :''[Dusty can't think of any words. He feels horribly regretful when he says the truth.]'' :'''Dusty:''' ''[Heartbroken and truthfully]'' No. :'''Skipper''': I'm sorry, Dusty. ==Cast== * [[Dane Cook]] as Dusty Crophopper / Strut Jetstream * [[w:Stacy Keach|Stacy Keach]] as Skipper Riley * [[w:Danny Mann|Danny Mann]] as Sparky * [[w:Priyanka Chopra|Priyanka Chopra]] as Ishani * [[Brad Garrett]] as Chug / Turbo Coach Truck-zilla * [[w:Teri Hatcher|Teri Hatcher]] as Dotty * [[w:Cedric the Entertainer|Cedric the Entertainer]] as Leadbottom * [[wikipedia:Susanne Blakeslee|Susanne Blakeslee]] as Rochelle * [[w:Roger Craig Smith|Roger Craig Smith]] as Ripslinger the Green Tornado, additional voices * [[Gabriel Iglesias]] as Ned and Zed the Twin Turbos * [[John Cleese]] as Bulldog the Big Dog * [[w:Carlos Alazraqui|Carlos Alazraqui]] as El Chupacabra, additional voices * [[Val Kilmer]] as Bravo * [[w:Anthony Edwards|Anthony Edwards]] as Echo * [[w:Colin Cowherd|Colin Cowherd]] as Colin Cowling * [[w:Sinbad (entertainer)|Sinbad]] as Roper * [[w:Oliver Kalkofe|Oliver Kalkofe]] as Franz / Fliegenhosen * [[w:Brent Musburger|Brent Musburger]] as Brent Mustangburger * [[w:John Ratzenberger|John Ratzenberger]] as Harland * [[w:Barney Harwood|Barney Harwood]] as Sky Cam 1 ==External links== {{wikipedia}} [[Category:2013 films]] [[Category:2010s American animated films]] [[Category:American computer-animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure films]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy films]] [[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]] [[Category:Animated sports films]] [[Category:Film spin-offs]] [[Category:Airplane films]] [[Category:Cars (film)]] pxttgmmlnswvrje8ovyocz7yxdti829 0 147972 3153004 3151273 2022-08-09T20:50:22Z 76.129.158.37 /* Cast */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Chicken Little (2005 film)|Chicken Little]]''''' is a 2005 American [[w:3-D film|3D]] [[w:computer-generated imagery|computer-animated]] [[w:comic science fiction|comic science fiction]] produced by [[w:Walt Disney Animation Studios|Walt Disney Feature Animation]] and loosely based on the [[w:Henny Penny|fable of the same name]]. The film was directed by [[w:Mark Dindal|Mark Dindal]] with screenplay by [[w:Steve Bencich|Steve Bencich]], [[w:Ron J. Friedman|Ron J. Friedman]], and [[w:Ron Anderson|Ron Anderson]], and story by [[w:Mark Kennedy|Mark Kennedy]] and Dindal. ==Dialogue== :''[first lines]'' :'''Buck Cluck''': ''[voice over]'' Now, where to begin? ''[shaft of light and pixie dust]'' How about "Once upon a time…"? ''[screen suddenly goes black]'' How many times have you heard that to begin a story? Let's do something else. ''[gasps]'' I got it. I got it. Here we go. Here's how to open a movie. ''[opening to [[The Lion King]]]'' No, I don't think so. It sounds familiar, doesn't it to you? ''[a storybook]'' Oh, no, no. Not the book! How many have seen "opening the book" before? Close the book. We're not doing that. Here's what we're gonna do. Why don't I just go back to the day things took a turn for the worst? <hr width=60%> :'''Chicken Little''': Run for your lives! Everyone run for cover! SOS! Mayday, mayday! Code red! Duck and cover! You're all in danger! :''[babies crying]'' :''[grunting]'' :'''Chicken Little''': Run for cover! :''[steer bellows]'' :'''Chicken Little''': Run for your lives! :''[squealing]'' :''[ringing]'' :''[siren wails]'' :'''Chicken Little''': Emergency, emergency! :''[screaming]'' :'''Both''': Whoa! :'''All''': Aaah! :''[babies crying]'' :'''Chicken Little''': Run for your lives! :'''Chorus''': Look out! Take cover! :''[''[[Raiders of the Lost Ark]]'' theme]'' :''[car horns honking]'' :''[screaming]'' :'''Chicken Little''': Run for cover! :'''Dog''': ''[coughs]'' Chicken Little, what is it? What's going on? :'''Chicken Little''': The sky is falling! The sky is falling! :'''Bunny''': The sky is falling? :'''Cheetah''': Are you crazy? <hr width=60%> :'''Mr. Woolensworth''': Abby Mallard. :'''Foxy''': ''[fake cough]'' Ugly Duckling! :''[All the students laugh]'' :'''Mr. Woolensworth''': Class, I will not tolerate rude behavior at the expense of a fellow... :'''Abby''': Hey, hey, hey. No worries, Mr. Woolensworth. :'''Mr. Woolensworth''': Yaah! ''[Abby honks]'' You mustn't sneak up on me, Ugly– Er, Abby. Now, where was I? :'''Foxy''': ''[fake cough]'' Ugly Duckling! :'''Mr. Woolensworth''': Yes, of course. Thank you. :''[Abby drums on her desk and blows a raspberry]'' :'''Mr. Wookensworth''': Chicken Little. :''[Chicken Little's desk is empty]'' :'''Foxy''': ''[fake cough]'' Tardy again! :'''Mr. Woolensworth''': Tardy again. ''[crosses Chicken Little's name off]'' Class, turn to page 62 and translate each word in mutton. He. :'''Students''': Baa! :'''Mr. Woolensworth''': She. :'''Students''': Baa! :'''Mr. Woolensworth''': They. :'''Students''': Baa! :'''Mr. Woolensworth''': We. :'''Students''': Baa! <hr width=60%> :'''Abby''': Calm down, Runt! Just... Just do what Fish is doing. :''[C & C Music Factory: Gonna Make You Sweat]'' :'''C & C Music Factory''': Everybody dance now. <hr width=60%> :'''Abby''': Tough morning? :'''Chicken Little''': I had a run in with my old nemesis. :'''Abby''': Gum on the crosswalk? :'''Chicken Little''': He won this round. :'''Abby''': Your old foe. :'''Chicken Little''': Mmm-hmm. <hr width=60%> :''[during a timeout at gym class]'' :'''Abby''': Look, ''you'' thought the sky was falling. Your ''dad'' didn't support you, and ''you'' have been hurting inside ever since. :'''Chicken Little''': Yeah, but... :'''Abby''': It's hurt. It's the nutshell. :'''Chicken Little''': Well, it's hurt, but... :'''Abby''': No, bup bup! Bup! Now what needs to happen now is the nut needs to be cracked open, and not one little chip at a time, but bam! Bits of emotion flying everywhere! Anger! Frustration! Denial! Fear! Deep depression, in fact! You see what I'm saying? :''[pause]'' :'''Runt of the Litter''': Uh... :'''Abby''': Alright, forget the nut thing. Here's the main thing. You have got to stop messing around and deal with the problem. Here's the real solution: You, your dad, talk-talk-talking, closure. :'''Chicken Little''': Closure? :'''Abby''': Closure. Talking about something until it's resolved. Wait. Look. ''[pulls out some magazines from her backpack]'' There's a whole section about in this month's Modern Mallard. Incredibly appropriate! Whew! :'''Chicken Little''': I told you, I have a plan. :'''Abby''': Yeah, but according to Cosmo Duck, you should stop the squawk and try the talk. And Beautiful Ducking says avoiding closure with your parents can cause early molting. See? Closure. :''[as Abby and Chicken Little are talking, Fish Out of Water is building a tower out of Abby's magazines]'' :'''Abby''': Just repeat after me. You, your dad, talk-talk... :'''Chicken Little''': Abby, Abby, Abby! Listen, talking's a waste of time. I got to do something great so my dad doesn't think I'm such a loser. :'''Abby''': Come on, you're not a loser. You're inventive and resourceful and funny and cute... :'''Chicken Little''': What? :'''Abby''': Oh, you... ''[chuckles nervously]'' Um... ''[smiling broadly]'' Runt, should Chicken Little have a good talk with his dad and clean the air... ''[winks then frowns]'' ...Or keep searching for Band-Aid solutions and never deal with the problem? :'''Runt''': Pfft! Band-Aid solutions! :'''Abby''': Runt! :'''Runt''': Well, I'm sorry! I'm very bad at reading facial cues. <hr width=60%> :'''Runt''': 'Twas Beauty that killed the Beast. <hr width=60%> :'''Buck Cluck''': Some teenagers, you know, they get quite a rush from stamp-collecting! You wanna stop? We'll get some stamps... :'''Chicken Little''': No, I don't like stamps. <hr width=60%> :'''Dog Announcer''': This excitement isn't just about the fun of baseball. It's not about the prize. It's about the gloating and rubbing their noses in it. The "Nah-Nah-Nah-Nah-Nah, we beat you" taunting if you will, that comes with the winning. <hr width=60%> :'''Abby''': Okay. Lemme guess. You haven't told your dad yet. :'''Chicken Little''': Well... :'''Abby''': I knew it! Why haven't you told him? Because there hasn't been you, your dad, talk-talk-talking. :'''Chicken Little''': There was talking. There was... There was definitely talking. :'''Abby''': Oh, really? What did he say? ''[Chicken Little only making stammering things]'' What? Alright, that's ''it''! We are doing an intervention! You have got to stop messing around and deal with the problem! :'''Runt''': She's right! :'''Chicken Little''': Abby, please. This is exactly what fell on me the first time. There's no way I'm bringing this up again with him. :'''Runt''': No, he's not! :'''Abby''': Runt! :'''Runt''': Sorry! I'm a gutless flip-flopper. :'''Abby''': Okay. I'm sure there's a simple, logical explanation. I mean, it could be a piece of weather balloon, or maybe it's part of some experimental communications satellite. :'''Chicken Little''': I don't care what it is. I want it out of my life, gone for good. Everything back to normal. :'''Abby''': Hey, remember when that icy blue stuff fell from the sky? Everybody thought it was from space and stuff? And it just turned out to be frozen pee from a jet airplane. :'''Runt''': Yeah, that's right. It's frozen pee. Yeah. It's frozen pee. ''[singing] Pee, pee, pee, pee pee.'' :'''Chicken Little''': Could you stop saying that? :'''Runt''': What, pee? :'''Chicken Little''': Pee. :'''Abby''': How 'bout Tinkle :'''Runt''': Piddle? :'''Abby''': Whiz? ''[Fish gurgles]'' :'''Runt''': Wee-wee? :'''Chicken Little''': Okay, subject change. :'''Runt''': Make Phishee? :'''Chicken Little''': I don't care what it is! Now are you gonna help me get rid of it or not? <hr width=60%> :'''Chicken Little''': {{small|Fish?}} :'''Abby''': {{small|Fish!}} :'''Chicken Little''': {{small|Fish…}} :'''Abby''': {{small|Fish…}} :'''Runt''': ''[shouts] <big>'''WHERE ARE YOU, FISH?!'''</big>'' <hr width=60%> :'''Dog''': Now, let's check the weather with Riz. A cold front is moving in so... The alarm bell has been activated! Quick! Get a camera crew! <hr width=60%> :'''Mama Runt''': Runt, that's enough! Don't make Mommy take away your Streisand collection! :'''Runt''': Mom, you leave Barbra out of this! :'''Dog''': Why can't you keep that child of yours under control? :'''Chicken Little''': I'm telling you the truth. Dad! Dad, I'm not making this up. You gotta believe me this time. :''[pauses]'' :'''Buck''': No, son. I don't. <hr width=60%> :'''Mayor Turkey Lurkey''': ''[to an alien robot]'' Oh, we surrender! Here, take the key to the city! ''[alien bot zaps the key; holds up another key]'' Key to my car? ''[robot zaps key and car at the same time; holds a box of Tic Tacs]'' Tic Tac? ''[bot zaps Lurkey]'' <hr width=60%> :'''Chicken Little''': ''[to Abby]'' By the way, I'd like to say I've always found you extremely attractive. ''[he kisses Abby]'' :'''Abby''': Now that's closure. <hr width=60%> :'''Buck''': What, what? You have to go to the bathroom? ''[Alien kid shakes head]'' You want juice? ''[kid shakes head again]'' A snack? ''[kid shakes head again]'' Corndog? On a stick? ''[Kirby starts to lose temper]'' Want to play some golf? What do you want? :'''Kirby''': ''[makes irritated noises]'' :'''Buck''': I stink at this... <hr width=60%> :'''Melvin''': Why did you take our child? :'''Buck''': Hey, hey! Just... ''[gulps]'' Just hold on there, buddy! My son did not take your kid! You were the one that left him behind! That's bad parenting, and I should know! :'''Melvin''': ''Silence'', silence, silence, silence! '''Release the child!''' :'''Buck''': Okay. :'''Chicken Little''': Okay, okay. :''[Kirby returns to his mother]'' :'''Tina''': Sweetheart! Oh, Kirby, I'm so happy to see you! My darling! :'''Buck''': ''[sighs]'' That was close. :'''Chicken Little''': At least they're back together. They got their kid. :'''Melvin''': You have violated intergalatic law 90210! A charge punishable by immediate particle disintegration! :'''Buck''': ''[while being aimed at with particle disintegration alongside Chicken Little]'' Oh, snap. <hr width=60%> :'''Ace''': Are you ready to rock? :'''Hollywood Runt''': Ain't no mountain high enough, ain't no valley low. <hr width=60%> :'''Dog Announcer''': Hold your horses, here! And horses, hold your breath. <hr width=60%> :'''Ace''': ''[to Hollywood Runt shooting alien spaceships]'' Give them a taste of the other white meat! <hr width=60%> :'''Mayor Lurkey''': ''[stops a crowd]'' Oh, look, a penny. <hr width=60%> :'''Buck''': You gotta be ready to listen to your children, even if they have nothing to say. <hr width=60%> :'''Dog Announcer''': Ladies and gentlemen, it's just gibberish. Gibberish of an insane person. <hr width=60%> :'''Dog Announcer''': Ladies and gentlemen, I'm not gonna sugarcoat it; I've seen road kill with faster reflexes. <hr width=60%> :'''Chicken Little''': There's... there's... it's a... you have to... D'oh... Doo-wah! :'''Mountain Lion''': What did he say? :'''Mayor Lurkey''': ''[reading a sign-holding dog's signs]'' "There's... there's... it's a... you have to... D'oh! Doo-wah!" ===Ending=== :''[singing "[[w:Don't Go Breaking My Heart|Don't Go Breaking My Heart]]" by [[Elton John]] and [[w:Kiki Dee|Kiki Dee]]]'' ==Cast== * [[Zach Braff]] as Chicken Little * [[w:Joan Cusack|Joan Cusack]] as Abby Mallard * Dan Molina as Fish Out of Water * [[w:Steve Zahn|Steve Zahn]] as Runt of the Litter * [[w:Amy Sedaris|Amy Sedaris]] as Foxy Loxy * [[w:Mark Walton (story artist)|Mark Walton]] as Goosey Loosey * [[w:Garry Marshall|Garry Marshall]] as Buck Cluck * [[w:Don Knotts|Don Knotts]] as Turkey Lurkey * Sean Elmore, Matthew Michael Joston and Evan Dunn as Kirby ===Cameos=== * [[Fred Willard]] as Melvin * [[Catherine O'Hara]] as Tina * [[w:Mark Dindal|Mark Dindal]] as Morkubine Porcupine * [[w:Patrick Stewart|Patrick Stewart]] as Mr. Woolensworth * [[w:Wallace Shawn|Wallace Shawn]] as Principal Fetchit * [[w:Harry Shearer|Harry Shearer]] as [[w:Dog|Dog]] [[w:Announcer|Announcer]] * [[Patrick Warburton]] as Alien Cop * [[Adam West]] as Star-Ace Little * [[w:Paul Pape|Paul Pape]] as Firehouse Dog (Additional Voices) == About ''{{PAGENAME}}'' == * We had a long debate in the studio: what was the legacy of Disney? Was it 2-D, pencil-drawn animation, or was it telling great stories with great characters? And Joe Grant, who passed away just this past year, that we dedicated the movie to...I think he was, at 94 years old, really the youngest voice in the room, saying to all of us, "Look, Walt Disney stood for cutting-edge technology. He stood for whatever tool you could assemble that would do the best job of telling your story. Don't get hung up on the technology and say, 'No, it's the pencil.'" He said, "Walt never would have locked in and said, 'You gotta stick with the pencil forever, no matter what happens with technology.'" So I think it was undeniable. I think of the top ten grossing [animated movies], Lion King is the only one in there that's a 2-D movie. It's undeniable that there's a great public appetite, and it's because you just have such a rich palette. Like Buck Cluck's feathers--he has 250,000 feathers on his head and his arms that can all move to wind and gravity. Those are things that you could only dream of in a 2-D realm. ** [[w:Randy Fullmer|Randy Fullmer]] in [http://movies.radiofree.com/interviews/chickenl_mark_dindal_randy_fullmer.shtml "MARK DINDAL & RANDY FULLMER on 'CHICKEN LITTLE'"] by Michael J. Lee, ''RadioFree.com'', October 16, 2005. ==External links== {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title|id=0371606|title=Chicken Little}} [[Category:2005 films]] [[Category:2000s American animated films]] [[Category:American computer-animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated comic science fiction films]] [[Category:American children's animated science fantasy films]] [[Category:Animated coming-of-age films]] [[Category:Films about space hazards]] [[Category:Films directed by Mark Dindal]] skt43d98jbcarbktsmtd6616uarv1ux 0 151092 3152971 3017819 2022-08-09T18:22:14Z Riquix 488955 I think meditation instead of mediation. The first is an arranging in a law conflict. wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Sri Yantra Correct Colors Johari 1974.jpg|right|thumb|[[w:Sri Yantra| Sri Yantra]] with correct traditional colors. The artwork is a silkscreen print made in 1974 at the [[w:Tantra Research Institute, Oakland| Tantra Research Institute, Oakland]], [[w:California| California]].]] [[File:Meru1.jpg|right|thumb| The Sri Yantra (shown here in the three-dimensional projection known as Sri Meru or Maha Meru, used primarily by Srividya Shakta sects) is central to most Tantric forms of Shaktism.]] [[File:SriYantra color.svg|right|thumb|Sri Yantra in non-traditional colors: The Sri Yantra (shown here in the three-dimensional projection known as Sri Meru or Maha Meru, used primarily by Srividya Shakta sects) is central to most Tantric forms of Shaktism]] [[File:Sri Yantra 256bw.gif|right|thumb|Vector diagram of Sri Yantra]] [[File:Painted 19th century Tibetan mandala of the Naropa tradition, Vajrayogini stands in the center of two crossed red triangles, Rubin Museum of Art.jpg|right|thumb|Painted 19th century Tibetan maṇḍala of the Nāropa tradition, [[w:Vajrayoginī|Vajrayoginī]] stands in the center of two crossed red triangles, Rubin Museum of Art]] '''[[w:Tantra| Tantra]]''' is the name given by scholars to a style of meditation and ritual which arose in India no later than the fifth century AD. The earliest documented use of the word "Tantra" is in the [[w:Rigveda|Rigveda]] (X.71.9). Tantra has influenced the [[w:Hindu|Hindu]], [[w:Bön|Bön]], [[w:Buddhist|Buddhist]], and [[w:Jain|Jain]] traditions and spread with Buddhism to East and [[w:Southeast Asia|Southeast Asia]]. Tantra is one of the three basic symbolic processes of Hindu spiritual worship and the other two are [[w:mantra|mantra]] and [[w:yantra|yantra]]. It is also known as [[w:tantrism|tantrism]] and the practitioners of tantra are called as [[w:tantrics|tantrics]], also spelled tantriks. ==Quotes== [[File:7 main chackra.svg|thumb| All the forms of our worship and the ceremonials of the present day, comprising the Karma Kanda, are observed in accordance with the Tantras. ~ [[Swami Vivekananda]] ]] * Tantra often runs into trouble in the West, because it utilizes transgression as the vehicle to transcend dualism in certain cases. To even begin to understand tantra, however, we must bear in mind the cultural and philosophical context in which it exists. Tantra originated as a range of bodily technologies for perfecting the individual.<br> Many of its practices, texts, beliefs and traditions are opposed to any normative order and serve as a form of counterculture in India. Its rejection of order takes the form even of sanctioning the deliberate violation of norms, particularly those centred on ritual purity. Over time, there occurred a healthy cross-fertilizing back and forth with Vedic and other traditions. Elements may have been borrowed from Vedic and other rituals, symbols and philosophies, and reformulated, systematized and integrated into the coherent corpus of what became known as the tantra tradition. These two poles of values and rituals coexist and mutually penetrate each other in complex ways. ** Malhotra, R., & Infinity Foundation (Princeton, N.J.). (2018). Being different: An Indian challenge to western universalism. *'''The real meaning of the word Tantra is Shastra, as for example, Kâpila Tantra. But the word Tantra is generally used in a limited sense.''' Under the sway of kings who took up Buddhism and preached broadcast the doctrine of [[w:Ahimsâ|Ahimsâ]], the performances of the Vedic Yâga-Yajnas became a thing of the past, and no one could kill any animal in sacrifice for fear of the king. But subsequently amongst the Buddhists themselves — who were converts from Hinduism — '''the best parts of these Yaga-Yajnas were taken up, and practiced in secret. From these sprang up the Tantras. Barring some of the abominable things in the Tantras, such as the Vâmâchâra etc., the Tantras are not so bad as people are inclined to think.''' There are many high and sublime Vedantic thoughts in them. In fact, the [[w:Brâhmana|Brâhmana]] portions of the Vedas were modified a little and incorporated into the body of the Tantras. All the forms of our worship and the ceremonials of the present day, comprising the Karma Kanda, are observed in accordance with the Tantras. ** By [[Swami Vivekananda]], in {{cite web|url=https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/The_Complete_Works_of_Swami_Vivekananda/Volume_3/Lectures_from_Colombo_to_Almora/The_Religion_we_are_born_in|title= The Complete Works of Swami Vivekananda/Volume 3/Lectures from Colombo to Almora/The Religion we are born in|accessdate=5 January 2014|publisher=Wikisource.org}} * It was therefore that Shri [[Ramakrishna]] came. The days of practising the Tantra in that fashion are gone. He, too, practised the Tantra, but not in that way. Where there is the injunction of drinking wine, he would simply touch his forehead with a drop of it. The Tantrika form of worship is a very slippery ground. Hence I say that this province has had enough of the Tantra. Now it must go beyond. The Vedas should be studied. A harmony of the four kinds of Yogas must be practised and absolute chastity must be preserved ** By [[Swami Vivekananda]], {{cite web|url=http://www.swamivivekanandaquotes.org/2013/04/swami-vivekananda-quotes-on-tantra.html |title= Swami Vivekananda on Tantra|accessdate=5 May 2014|publisher=SwamiVivekanandaQuotes.org}} *'''In the [[w:Sanatana Dharma|Sanatana Dharma]] (Eternal Truth), [[w:Samkhya|Samkhya]] provides the cosmological structure, [[Vedanta]], the uncompromising and unalloyed Truth of indivisible Existence, Knowledge and Bliss, and Tantra and [[w:Yoga|Yoga]] offer and define the method and the practice. All of the above, together, represent the consummate path and way.''' **In {{cite web|url=http://www.srv.org/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=31%3Avedantaandtantra&catid=25&Itemid=163|title= Articles|author= Babaji Bob Kindler|accessdate=16 December 2013|publisher=SRV Associations}} *'''Yoga, Vedanta and Tantra owe much of their basis and growth to the Samkhya philosophy which enumerates the twenty-four cosmic principles as a basis for the universal manifestation.''' This steady foundation assisted in the presentation of the life-giving, life-saving, life-transforming declarations of the Vedas. Due to this structure, Tantra gave birth to the many wonderful methods through which to realize the Truth contained in the Vedas and over time graced the system with twelve more powerful principles (tattvas) of a higher and purer order. **In "Articles by Babaji Bob Kindler". *...if we study the Gospel of [[w:Ramakrishna|Sri Ramakrishna]], we find that though He taught the truths contained in the Upanishads, He illustrated these principles to us by methods that are Tantric in origin and content. '''His worship of and devotion to [[w:Kali|Mother Kali]], [[w:Krishna|Sri Krishna]], [[w:Sita|Mother Sita]], [[Chaitanya|Lord Chaitanya]], [[w:Shiva|Lord Shiva]], and others, reveal His wonderful Tantric nature and point to the many ways of practicing the Vedic truths.''' **In "Articles by Babaji Bob Kindler". *The children of Sri Ramakrishna are Vaidikas in essence, Tantrikas by path and process. **In "Articles by Babaji Bob Kindler". *...in [[w:Sanatana Dharma|Sanatana Dharma]], Samkhya provides the cosmological structure, Vedanta, the uncompromising and unalloyed Truth of indivisible Existence, Knowledge and Bliss, and Tantra and Yoga offer and define the method and the practice. **In "Articles by Babaji Bob Kindler". * [T]he Tantras...are the embodiment of ceremonial black magic of the darkest dye...[T]hose Kabbalists who dabble in the ceremonial magic described...by Eliphas Levi are as full blown Tantrikas as those of Bengal ** [[Helena Blavatsky]], Collected Writings, ed. Boris De Zirkoff (Madras: Theosophical Pub. House, 1950-73), v.11, p.29; cf. Collected Writings, v.2, 238. * My words of encouragement for women, for that to be given for women in the East, it is to have confidence and encourage them that they can accomplish Dharma just like the men; but in the West you have already realized the equality of women and men sometime ago, so I do not have to really encourage you – you already know that. : So my heart advice will be to really be kind-hearted, to be a good hearted person. Whether you are Buddhist or not – there is really no need for me to convince anyone to become a Buddhist. If your mind is very pure and always has positive thinking, this is good – try not to ever go into the side of negative thinking! For example, if you find that someone looks at you and you think “Do they mean something bad to me? Do they think something bad about me?” Don’t even go into that! Just smile back. Just be pure. As pure as you can. Your heart should be pure and really open to everyone. So smile back at people that you think might not like you. This is something that you have, that’s possible. We can all totally be a kind hearted person with positive thinking and pure heart. Everyone is able to do that, whether you are Buddhist or not. This is my heart advice." :* [[w:Jetsunma Jamyang Drolma|Jetsunma Jamyang Drolma]] [http://theyoginiproject.org/the-enthronement-of-jetsunma-jamyang-drolma The Enthronement of Jetsunma Jamyang Drolma] * However, the [[w:dakini|dakini]] expresses feminine gender in only a qualified sense, since in her absolute essence she represents the ultimate beyond gender. From this point of view, she has no allegiance to anyone; it is inaccurate to say that women alone possess the dakini. When the practitioner truly understands this, liberation from gender concepts can be glimpsed. The wisdom dakini can best be understood in terms of her enlightened essence, the four dimensions that depict how the limitless nature of mind can manifest in human forms dedicated to the welfare and awakening of all beings. ** [[w:Judith Simmer-Brown|Judith Simmer-Brown]], ''Dakini’s Warm Breath'' [http://theyoginiproject.org/however-dakini-expresses However Dakini Expreses] Yoginiproject.org *'''The path and the way, the processes by which we get illumined, lie in Tantra.''' **In "Articles by Babaji Bob Kindler". [[File:Chakras.jpg|right|thumb|Chakras of Indian tantrism]] *'''The Tantric heritage and its pluralistic culture presents a great synthesis of Hinduism in its perfection. One strand of the Tantras is traced back to the Vedas. Another Strand of Tantra emanates from a non-vedic scriptural corpus, the [[w:Āgama (Hinduism)|Agamas]]'''. Apart from these two traditions, the Tantras incorporated several beliefs and practices of the indigenous oral-based cultures. Thus, in the course of its development Tantra absorbed knowledge of different [[w:Shastras|Shastras]] within its fold, such as [[w:Astrology|astrology]], [[w:Ayurveda|ayurveda]], [[w:Vastu|vastuvidya]], yoga, [[w:ethnobotany|ethnobotany]] and the [[w:occult science|occult sciences]]. The Tantric form of practice influenced all sects and sub-sects of Indian origin. So we have Buddhist, Jain and even [[w:Muslim|Muslim]] forms of Tantra. The influence to Tantra is not limited to India alone; there is ample evidence that Tantrism in some from or other travelled to various parts of the world, especially [[w:Nepal|Nepal]], [[w:Tibet|Tibet]], [[w:China|China, [[w:Japan|Japan]] and parts of South-East Asia. **In {{cite web|url=http://www.tantrafoundation.org/tantrafoundation.htm |title=The Tantras are the most exvellent of all Shastras|accessdate=16 December 2013|publisher= Tantra Foundation Organization}} *'''Tantra means technique - a technique for the fulfillment of desires. Man has no control over his desires. A desire is claimed as one’s own only after it comes to one’s mind. Desires are products of latent tendencies/[[w:Vāsanā|vasanas]]. Through the fulfillment of the desires,‘vasanas’ are eliminated. Tantra provides the methodology whereby, through the fulfillment of one’s desires, liberation is attained. Liberation means understanding one’s own nature.''' From that understanding, one realizes that the world is nothing but the manifestation of the consciousness of which we are, but only a part. It is also a way of living which provides aesthetic enjoyment and knowledge. **In {{cite web|url=http://www.shripuram.org/|title=Welcome to SHRIPURAM Tantra Research Centre|accessdate16 December 2013|publisher=Shripuram Organization}} *'''[[w:Arya Samaj|Vaidika]] and Tantrika cults have co-existed in [[w:India|Bharath]] from very ancient period. From that time itself, Tantra was confined to a few people.''' If the theory and practice of Tantra are understood and accepted widely, there will not be any class difference among human beings. **{{Cite web|url=http://www.shripuram.org/index.php/about-shripuram|title=About Us|accessdate=16 December 2013|publisher=Shripuram organization}} *'''As Tantra Sastra or [[w:Āgama (Hinduism)|Agama]] is not as some seem to suppose, a petty Sastra of no account; one, and an unimportant sample of the multitudinous manifestations of religion in a country which swarms with every form of religious sect. It is on the contrary with Veda, [[w:Smriti|Smrti]] and [[w:Purana|Purana]] one of the fore most important Sastras in India governing, in various degrees and ways, the temple and household ritual of the whole of India today and for centuries past'''.... Over and above the fact that the Sastra is an historical fact, it possesses, in some respects, an intrinsic value which justifies its study. Thus it is the store house of Indian occultism. This occult side of the Tantras is of scientific importance, the more particularly having regard to the present revived interest in occult study in the west. **In {{cite book|last= Feuerstein |first=Georg |title=Tantra: The Path of Ecstasy|url=http://books.google.com/books?id=3EgjLiXBivcC|year=1998|publisher=Shambhala Publications|isbn=978-1-57062-304-2|page=xi}} *A famous stanza ascribed to the [[w:Varaha|Varaha]] (sometimes to the non-existent Varaha) Tantra enumerates seven of these [theoretical statements]. Creation, dissolution of the world, worship of the gods, mastery of divine beings, recitation and worship of mantras, execution of six acts of magic, and the four fold practice of meditation. They are said to be characteristics of Agama. **In {{cite book|last= Goudriaan |first=Teun |title=Hindu Tantric and Śākta Literature|url=http://books.google.com/books?id=r2q1h7q-JWMC&pg=PA10|year=1981|publisher=Otto Harrassowitz Verlag|isbn=978-3-447-02091-6|page=10–}} *In another tradition, five types of tantric lore are distinguished. ''Siddhanta Jnana'' (leading to salvation), ''Garudajnana'' (removes poison or poison magic), ''Kamajnana'' (enables the adept to enforce his will), ''Bhutatantra'' (exorcism of demons) and ''[[w:Bhairav (tantrik)|Bhairvatantra]]'' (destruction of enemies). This system lays too much stress on the magical side of Tantric literature. A variant is the five-fold series of [[w:Siddhanta|Siddhanta]], Garuda, Ghora, Vama and Bhutantra which together constitute the Five Currents. **In "Hindu Tantric and Śākta Literature}, p. 10 *'''Our biological body itself is a form of hardware that needs re-programming through tantra like a new spiritual software which can release or unblock its potential.''' **By [[w:Slavoj Žižek|Slavoj Žižek]] in {{cite book|author1=Slavoj Žižek|author2=Slavoj Zizek|title=Living in the End Times|url=http://books.google.com/books?id=MIz6BPT23Q4C&pg=PA8|date=18 April 2011|publisher=Verso|isbn=978-1-84467-702-3|pages=8–}} [[File:Chhinnamasta.JPG|right|thumb|[[w:Chinnamastā|Chinnamastā]] meaning “She whose head is severed is one of the Mahavidyas, ten Tantric goddesses and a ferocious aspect of Devi, the Hindu Divine Mother.]] *...denounced only the present corrupted form of Vamachara of the Tantras. I did not denounce the Mother - worship of the Tantras, or even the real Vamachara. '''The purport of the Tantras is to worship women in a spirit of Divinity.''' During the downfall of Buddhism, the Vamachara became very much corrupted, and that corrupted form obtains to the present day. Even now the Tantra literature of India is influenced by those ideas. I denounced only these corrupt and horrible practices -- '''which I do even now. I never objected to the worship of women who are the living embodiment of Divine Mother, whose external manifestations, appealing to the senses have maddened men, but whose internal manifestations, such as knowledge, devotion, discrimination and dispassion make man omniscient, of unfailing purpose, and a knower of Brahman.''' "[(Sanskrit)]-- she, when pleased, becomes propitious and the cause of the freedom of man" (Chandi, I. 57). Without propitiating the Mother by worship and obeisance, not even Brahma and Vishnu have the power to elude Her grasp and attain to freedom. Therefore for the worship of these family goddesses, in order to manifest the Brahman within them, I shall establish the women's [[w:Matha|Math]]. **Swami Vivekananda in {{Cite web|url=http://www.swamivivekanandaquotes.org/2013/04/swami-vivekananda-quotes-on-tantra.html|title= Swami Vivekananda's Quotes On Tantra |accessdate=5 January 2014|publisher= Swamivivekanandaquotes.org}} * Hinduism arrived in last and worst age of medieval development," in which the noble philosophy of the Vedas had been replaced by the obscene sexual perversions and black magic of the left-hand (vamacara) Tantras: "The rites, or rather, orgies, of the left hand worshippers presuppose the meeting of men and woman of all castes in the most unrestrained manner. ** [[w:Monier Monier-Williams|Monier Monier-Williams]] ''Hinduism'' (London: Society for Promoting Christian Knowledge, 1894), 116, 130. On Orientalist views of Tantra, see also Urban, "The Extreme Orient," 123-46. * The general scholarly consensus has been that the Yoginī cults so foundational to early Tantra emerged out of an autochthonous non-Vedic Indian source. (…) The point I wish to make here is that it is quite artificial to inject a distinction between ‘Vedic’ or ‘Indo-Aryan’ tradition, on the one hand, and ‘non-Vedic’ or ‘Indus Valley’ on the other. The religion and culture is already present in the Vedas, together with the more predominant Indo-Aryan material, and is no more ‘indigenous’ to the Indian subcontinent and no more ‘alien’ to the Veda than the latter. (…) It suffices to scratch the surface of the salient features of the Yoginī cults to find a vast reservoir of Vedic and classical Hindu precursors, in (1) the cults of Vedic goddesses (…); (2) the various groupings of unnumbered mother goddesses (…); and (3) in general attitudes toward women and femininity. **David Gordon White, quoted in [[Elst, Koenraad]] (2018). ''Still no trace of an Aryan invasion: A collection on Indo-European origins''. ===A Woman's Guide to Tantra Yoga=== <small>{{cite book|author=Vimala Schneider McClure|title=A Woman's Guide to Tantra Yoga|url=http://books.google.com/books?id=Om0-63GrafoC&pg=PT17|date=1 January 1997|publisher=New World Library|isbn=978-1-57731-276-5|page=17}}</small> *'''Tantra is the oldest Eastern tradition of spiritual philosophy and practice...From its origin to the present day, it is revolutionary approach to human evolution.''' *The basic tenet of tantra is that all of life is food for spiritual development, from the most mundane tasks of everyday living to the deepest meditation. Tantra teaches to embrace life, to try to strive to see the creator in everything within and around us. The practices including concentration, meditation, yoga postures, relaxation, visualization, nourishing food, community involvement, service, and right conduct, are all designed to help us experience body, mid, spirit, joy, peace, suffering, and pain as changing aspects of one invisible Being. *'''While sexuality is part of Tantra because it is part of life, it is not the core of tantric philosophy or practice''' *Our biological body itself is a form of hardware that needs re-programming through tantra like a new spiritual software which can release or unblock its potential. **By [[w:Slavoj Žižek|Slavoj Žižek]] in {{cite book|author1=Slavoj Žižek|author2=Slavoj Zizek|title=Living in the End Times|url=http://books.google.com/books?id=MIz6BPT23Q4C&pg=PA8|date=18 April 2011|publisher=Verso|isbn=978-1-84467-702-3|pages=8–}} *Real tantric sex blows your mind completely because it takes you beyond all our conceptions of everyday reality...Understanding that our bodies are temples for expressing divinity we can…expand, celebrate, and share relationship engorgement in every cell of our being … blending sex and spirit. **By Slavoj Žižek in “Living in the End Times”, in p. 8 [[File:ShwedagonIMG 7662.JPG|thumb|Buddha statues at Shwedagon Paya]] *To practice tantra requires even greater compassion and greater intelligence than are required on the [[w:sutra|sutra]] path; thus, though many persons in the degenerate era are interested in tantra, tantra is not for degenerate persons. Tantra is limited to persons whose compassion is so great that they cannot bear to spend unnecessary time in attaining [[w:Buddhahood|Buddhahood]], as they want to be a supreme source of help and happiness for others quickly. ** By [[w:Dalai Lama XIV|Dalai Lama XIV]] in {{cite book|author=Jeffrey Hopkins|title=Meditation on Emptiness|url=http://books.google.com/books?id=jbQKAAAAYAAJ|year=1983|publisher=Wisdom Publications|isbn=978-0-86171-014-0|page=111}} *Tantra-sastra is a distinct tradition in ancient Indian culture. Scholars hold that its origin goes back to prehistoric times. Its ancient form can be found in the [[w:Atarva Veda|Atarva Veda]] and [[w:Yajur Veda|Yajur Veda]]. There are statements in Vedic literature like “the letter a is all speech” ([[w:Aitareya Aranyaka|Aitareya Aranyaka]] 2,3,6) and “A is brahman”...which remind one of the concept of matrka, which came to be expanded in the tantra of the Saivas, Saktas, and Buddhists. **By V.V.Dvivedi in {{cite book|author=Teun Goudriaan|title=The Sanskrit Tradition and Tantrism|url=http://books.google.com/books?id=xlyJ9ZdekRUC&pg=PA94|year=1990|publisher=BRILL|isbn=90-04-09245-5|page=34–}} [[File:Vajrayogini from Thangka.jpg|right|thumb|Tibetan Thangka painting of Vajrayogini Dakini holding a flaying knife in her right-hand, the Vamachara Deity]] *Give up this filthy [[w:Vâmâchâra|Vâmâchâra]] that is killing your country. You have not seen the other parts of India. When I see how much the Vamachara has entered our society, I find it a most disgraceful place with all its boast of culture. These Vamachara sects are honeycombing our society in Bengal. Those who come out in the daytime and preach most loudly about ''Âchâra'', it is they who carry on the horrible debauchery at night and are backed by the most dreadful books. They are ordered by the books to do these things. You who are of [[w:Bengal|Bengal]] know it. The Bengali Shastras are the Vamachara Tantras. They are published by the cart-load, and you poison the minds of your children with them instead of teaching them your Shrutis. Fathers of [[w:Ccutta|Calcutta]], do you not feel ashamed that such horrible stuff as these Vamachara Tantras, with translations too, should be put into the hands of your boys and girls, and their minds poisoned, and that they should be brought up with the idea that these are the Shastras of the Hindus? If you are ashamed, take them away from your children, and let them read the true Shastras, the Vedas, the Gita, the Upanishads. ** Swami Vivekananda in {{Cite web|url=https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/The_Complete_Works_of_Swami_Vivekananda/Volume_3/Lectures_from_Colombo_to_Almora/The_Vedanta_in_all_its_phases| title=The Complete Works of Swami Vivekananda/Volume 3/Lectures from Colombo to Almora/The Vedanta in all its phases: The Vedanta In All Its Phases|accessdate=5 january 2014|publisher=Wikisource.org}} *In our ordinary lives we are mostly ''Paurânikas'' or Tântrikas, and, even where some Vedic texts are used by the Brahmins of India, the adjustment of the texts is mostly not according to the Vedas, but according to the Tantras or the Puranas. As such, to call ourselves Vaidikas in the sense of following the Karma Kanda of the Vedas, I do not think, would be proper. But the other fact stands that we are all of us Vedantists. The people who call themselves Hindus had better be called Vedantists, and, as I have shown you, under that one name Vaidantika come in all our various sects, whether dualists or non-dualists. ** By Swami Vivekananda in {{Cite web|url=https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/The_Complete_Works_of_Swami_Vivekananda/Volume_7/Conversations_And_Dialogues/XXXI|title=The Complete Works of Swami Vivekananda/Volume 7/Conversations And Dialogues/XXXI|accessdate=5 December 2014|publisher=Wikisource.org}} * The Purânas, the Tantras, and all the other books, even the Vyasa-Sutras, are of secondary, tertiary authority, but primary are the Vedas. [[w:Manu|Manu]], and the Puranas, and all the other books are to be taken so far as they agree with the authority of the Upanishads, and when they disagree they are to be rejected without mercy. ** By Swami Vivekananda in "The Complete Works of Swami Vivekananda/Volume 3/Lectures from Colombo to Almora/The Vedanta in all its phases: The Vedanta In All Its Phases". ===Tantra: The Science of Liberation=== [[File:Tanumânasî kapalabhati.JPG|right|thumb|[[w:Pranayama|Pranayama]].]] [[File:DiagrammaChakraKundalini.jpg|right|thumb|Chakra Kundalini Diagram]] <small> Dada Vedaprajinananda in {{cite web|url=http://www.anandamarga.org/articles/tantra.htm|title=Tantra: The Science of Liberation|accessdate=16 December 2013|publisher=Ananda marga Organization}}</small> *'''Tantra is the original spiritual science first taught in India.''' 'Tan' is a [[w:Sanskrit|Sanskrit]] root which signifies "expansion", and 'Tra' signifies "liberation." Thus, Tantra is the practice which elevates human beings in a process in which their minds are expanded. It leads human beings from the imperfect to the perfect, from the crude to the subtle, from bondage to liberation. *Tantra is more than just a collection of meditation or yoga techniques. There is a particular world-view associated with it. According to Tantra, struggle is the essence of life. The effort to struggle against all obstacles and move from the imperfect to the perfect is the true spirit of Tantra. *'''Today Tantra is shrouded in mystery and there are many misconceptions about it. To understand the source of these misconceptions it is important to examine the "5 Ms".''' *The first M is known as ''Madya''. It has two meanings. One meaning of madya is "wine" For those at a higher level of development Madya has another meaning, it refers not to wine but to a divine nectar. *Another of the five Ms is ''Mamsa''. One meaning of ''Mamsa'' is meat. For those who ate much meat. For the subtle practitioner of Tantra, ''mamsa'' refers to the tongue and the spiritual practice of controlling one's speech. *[[w:Matsya|Matsya]], the third of the Ms, refers to fish. For the physically minded practitioner Shiva applied the same instruction regarding fish as he did with wine and meat. In spiritual or subtle Tantra the "fish" refers to two subtle nerves which run up the body, starting at the base of the spine and crisscrossing each other and ending in the two nostrils. These nerves are known as the ''[[w:Nadi (yoga)ida]]'' and ''pingala''. By the science of breath control, [[w:Pranayama|Pranayama]], the currents of the nerves are controlled and the mind becomes calm for [[w:Meditation|meditation]]. This is the Matsya of the spiritual practitioner. [[File:JagadguruRamabhadracharya010.jpg|right|thumb|[[w:Rāmabhadrācārya|Rāmabhadrācārya]] meditating on the banks of [[w:Mandakini river|Mandakini river]] with fingers folded in the Chin Mudrā.]] *Another of the Ms is [[w:Mudra|Mudra]]. Mudra has only a spiritual significance and there is no physical or crude practice associated with it. *The last of the Ms, [[w:Maithuna|Maethuna]], is the one which has caused the most confusion regarding Tantra. Maethuna means union. In its crude sense it means sexual union. For those who were dominated by the sexual instinct for the more advanced practitioners, those who were practicing subtle or spiritual Tantra, Shiva taught another practice of Maethuna. In this case "union" refers to the union of individual consciousness with Supreme Consciousness. In this case the spiritual energy of the human being, lying dormant at the base of the spine, is raised until it reaches the highest energy center (near the pineal gland), causing the spiritual aspirant to experience union with the Supreme. *According to Tantra, struggle is the essence of life. The effort to struggle against all obstacles and move from the imperfect to the perfect is the true spirit of Tantra. ===Tantra: Sex, Secrecy, Politics and Power in the Study of Religion (2007)=== <small>{{cite book|author=Hugh B. Urban|title=Tantra: Sex, Secrecy, Politics and Power in the Study of Religion|url=http://books.google.com/books?id=wvtLClojU_4C&pg=PA313|date=1 January 2007|publisher=Motilal Banarsidass Publishe|isbn=978-81-208-2932-9}}</small> '''Positive views''' *'''I protest I have always protested against unjust aspersions upon the civilization of India.... The Tantra Sastra is not, as some seems to suppose, a petty Sastra of no account....It is on the contrary, with Veda, Smriti and Purana, one of the foremost important Sastras of India, governing in various degrees....the temple and household ritual of the whole of India… for centuries past.''' **By [[w:Sir John Woodroffe|Sir John Woodroffe]] in p. 134 *This form of practice must never even be mentioned in the [[w:Math|Math]]. Ruin shall seize the wicked man, both here and hereafter, who would introduce vile ''|w:Vamachara|Vamachan]]'' into his fold. **By [[w:Swami Vivekananda|Swami Vivekananda]] to members of [[w:Alambazar Math|Alambazar Math]] in p. 134 *Tantrikism in its real sense is nothing but the Vedic religion struggling with wonderful success to reassert itself amidst all those new problems of religious life…which historical events have thrust upon it. **Sir John Woodroffe in p. 134 *See some Lama and understand from him what your beliefs are. It is so extraordinary to us Europeans that you Buddhists and Hindus and every one of you do not understand your own religions....I speak particularly of the Tantric doctrines. **Sir John Woodroffe to Lama Kazi Dawasamdrop in p. 136 *'''The Vedanta is the final authority and basis for the doctrines set forth in the Tantras....the Tantra shastras has been for centuries past one of the recognized scriptures of Hinduism, and every form of Hinduism is based on Veda and Vedanta.''' **Sir John Woodroffe to Lama Kazi Dawasamdrop in p. 140 *The Sakta Tantra simply present the Vedanthic teachings in a symbolic form for the worshipper, to whom it prescribes the means whereby they may be realized in fact. **By Sir John Woodroffe to Lama Kazi Dawasamdrop in p. 140 *Vedanta in its various forms has for centuries constituted the religious notions of India, and the Agamas...are its practical expression in worship in p. 140 **By Sir John Woodroffe in p. 140 *The [[w:sakta tantra|sakta tantra]] simply present the Vedantik teachings in a symbolic form for the worshipper, to whom it prescribes the means whereby they may be realized in fact. *Vedanta in its various forms has for centuries constituted the religious notions of India, and the Agamas...are its practical expression in worship **By Sir John Woodroffe in p. 140 *'''*Tantra is scientific discovery not revelation.''' **By Sir John Woodroffe in p. 140 *There is nothing fowl in them except for people to whom all erotic phenomenon are foul....The ancient East was pure in these matters than the modern West, where under cover of a pruriently modest exterior ...extraordinary varied [[w:Psychopathy|psychopathic]] filth may flow. This was not so in earlier days...when a spade was called a spade and not a horticultural instrument. **By Sir John Woodroffe in page 142 *So, as the [[w:Council of Trent|Council of Trent]] declared, the [[w:Catholic Church|Catholic Church]], rich with the experiences of ages and clothed with their splendor, has introduced mystic benediction (mantra), incense (''[[w:Dhupa|dhupa]]''), water (''[[w:Achamana|achamana]]''), lights (''[[w:Diya (light)|dipa]]''), bells (''[[w:Ghanta|ghanta]]''), flowers (''[[w:Pushpanjalipushpa]]''),[[w:Vestment|vestments]] and all the magnificence of ceremonies in order to excite the spirit of religion to the contemplation of the profound mysteries which they reveal. As are its faithful, the Church is composed of both body (''deha'') and soul (''[[w:Ātman (Hinduism)|atma]]''). It renders to the [[w:Shiva|Lord (ishvara)]] a double worship, external (''bahyapuja'') and interior (''manaspuja''), the latter being the prayer (''vandana'') of the faithful. **Sir John Woodrooffe drew striking similarity of the ritual elements of the two systems – the catholic and Sanskrit terms and made it a virtue rather than of ridicule as had been brought by earlier scholars, the early Orientalist of the West. In p. 143 *What India wanted at present was the Religion of Power **By Sir John Woodroffe in p. 142 '''Negative views''' *The follower of Tantric art professes no austerities. He seeks to kill desire by an unlimited indulgence which brings satiety and extinction of emotion. The indulgence is enjoined by his so called religion; and his depravity is commended as a great virtue. **By F.E.F.Penny p=105 *Flee even now-don’t you know that the tantrika’s worship consists of human flesh **By [[w:Bankim Chandra Chattopadhyay|Bankinchandra Chattopadhyaya]] in p. 105 '''In Jainism''' *I, who am adorned with a garland of human bones , who live in the cremation ground and who eat out of human skull, with an eye purified by the instrument of Yoga, see the world having differences within itself but being non-different from God... *We who offer oblations in the fire in the form of human flesh, brains, entrails and marrow break our fast with alcohol kept in the skull of a Brahmana. Mahabhairava has to be worshipped with human offerings, lustrous with streams of blood flowing from the stiff throat which is freshly cut. *Some debauch themselves for wealth, some for lust,<br>I debauched myself in search of God. **In western imagination quoted from "Debauchery in the Search for God:Tantra and British Women Writers", in p. 111 [[File:Dakshineswar Bhavatarini Kali.jpg|thumb|right|Kali in [[w:Dakshineswar|Dakshineswar]].]] *'''[[w:Kali|Kali-Ma]]...symbolizes the ultimate mystery in life- the mystery of sex'''. *That Mai Kali will get the blood for which She asks unless quick action betaken...this is certain. Who governs India as a whole must govern by power. **Flora Annie Steel, in The Law of the Threshold quoted in p. 114 ===Tantra: Sex, Secrecy, Politics, and Power in the Study of Religion (2003)=== <small>{{cite book|last= Urban |first=Hugh B. |title=Tantra: Sex, Secrecy, Politics, and Power in the Study of Religion|url=http://books.google.com/books?id=dYiDsB7R_aQC|date=14 September 2003|publisher=University of California Press|isbn=978-0-520-93689-8}}</small> *The moment one hears the word “Tantrism”, various wild and lurid associations spring forth in the Western mind which add up to a pastiche of psycho spiritual science fiction and sexual acrobatics that would put to shame the most imaginative of our contemporary pronographers. **From the ”The Dialectical Image of Tantra” quoted by Jacob Needleman in The New Religions as referred here in p. 4 *...the Sanskrit word tantra has appeared since Vedic times, with an enormous diversity of meanings; it has been used to denote everything from a warp or a loom to “the chief potion or essence of a thing” (Mahabharta.13.48.6). Probably derived from the root tan, “to weave or stretch”, tantra is most often used to refer to a particular kind of text which is “woven” of the extended threads of many words. Yet, as Padoux points out, such texts may or may not contain materials that we today think of as “Tantric”. **By Hugh B. Urban in p. 4 ===Tantra: The Supreme Understanding: Discourses on the Tantric Way of Tilopa's Song of [[w:Mahamudra|Mahamudra]]=== <small>{{cite book|author=Osho|title=Tantra: The Supreme Understanding: Discourses on the Tantric Way of Tilopa's Song of Mahamudra|url=http://books.google.com/books?id=mHRJ8SA_MAMC&pg=PA118.|date=1 June 1997|publisher=Osho International|isbn=978-81-7261-009-8|pages=118–}}</small> *'''Tantra masters are wild flowers, they have everything in them.''' **[[w:Osho|Osho]] in p. 100 [[File:MET Asian Wing.jpg|right|thumb|[[w:Maithuna|Maethuna]].]] *'''That is why in tantra – Tilopa is a tantra master – deep intercourse, orgasmic intercourse, between lovers is also called Mahamudra, and two lovers in deep orgasmic state are pictured in tantric temples, in tantric books. That has become a symbol of the final orgasm.''' **Osho in p. 19 *He who keeps tantric precepts, yet discriminates, betrays the spirit of ''samaya''. [And says Tilopa], if you are trying to keep the tantra path, the tantra precepts, then remember, don’t discriminate. If you discriminate you may be tantra philosopher, but not a tantra follower. Don’t say this is good, that is bad. Drop all discrimination. Accept everything as it is. **Osho in p. 118 *'''This is one of the most beautiful tantra things:tantra says remain homeless, don’t abide anywhere. Don’t get identified and don’t cling to anything. Remain homeless, because in homelessness you will attain to your real home.''' **Osho in p. 119 *...difference between yoga and tantra; yoga is horizontal, tantra is vertical; yoga takes millions of lives to reach; tantra says: within a second. **Osho in p. 131 *'''Yoga is effort, tantra is effortless.''' **Osho in p. 131 *'''Tantra accepts everything, lives everything. That's why tantra never could become a very accepted ideology. It always remained a fringe ideology.''' **Osho in p. 103 *'''Tantra is a great yea-sayer; it says yes to everything'''. **Osho in P.95 *Tantra says there is nobody above you whom you have to follow, through whom you have to get your pattern. **Osho in p. 156 *The ordinary society is like a paperweight on you: it won't allow you to fly. **Osho in p. 107 *'''Tantra says readjustment, adjustment, is not the goal; it is not worth much – transformation is the goal.''' **Osho in p. 108 [[File:Tantric Divinity, Indian Museum Calcutta.jpg|right|thumb|Tantric Divinity, Indian Museum Calcuta]] *'''Tantra offers you enlightenment right here and now – no time, no postponement''' **By Osho in p. 114 *'''Tantra says you are missing because you are running. Tantra says you are missing because you are in such a hurry.''' **Osho in p. 114 *'''Tantra believes not in GRADUAL development of the soul, but in sudden enlightenment.''' **Osho in P.124 *'''Tantra is a very very poetic approach, not arithmetical. And tantra believes in love, not in mathematics. It believes in sudden enlightenment.''' **Osho in P.125 *'''Tantra is a great hope. Tantra is like an oasis in a world of deserts.''' **Osho in p. 125 *'''Tantra says: Don’t focus your attention on the acts, focus your attention on the person who has done the acts. Yoga focuses on acts. Tantra focuses on the person, on the consciousness, on you.''' **Osho in p. 125 ==External links== {{Wikipedia}} {{Wiktionary|tantra}} [[Category:Religion]] [[Category:Philosophy]] 4kk9x764vkkj80yyo5zsi2hxl4onhtq 0 159225 3153122 3152741 2022-08-10T03:01:28Z Kopsman124 3100502 /* Forgetting Sarick Mortshall [5.09] */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Rick and Morty|Rick and Morty]]''''' (2013–present) is an American adult animated science-fiction sitcom created by Justin Roiland and Dan Harmon for Adult Swim. The series follows the misadventures of the cynical mad scientist, Rick Sanchez, and his fretful and easily influenced grandson, Morty Smith, who split their time between domestic family life and interdimensional adventures. == Season 1 == === ''[[w:Pilot (Rick and Morty)|Pilot]]'' [1.01] === :'''Rick''': ''[shoots portal]'' There she is. Alright, c'mon, Morty, let's go. :'''Morty''': Oh jeez, okay. ''[...]'' Woah, Rick! What is this place? :'''Rick''': It's Dimension 35C, and it's got the perfect climate conditions for a special type of— ''TREE'', Morty! Called the Mega tree! And there's fruit in those trees, and there's seeds in those fruits. I'm talking about Mega seeds, th—''ther''—they're incredibly powerful and I need 'em to h''[burps]''-elp me with my research, Morty. :'''Morty''': Oh man, Rick! I'm looking around this place, and I'm starting to work up some anxiety about this whole thing! :'''Rick''': All right, all right, calm down. Listen to me, Morty. I know that new situations can be intimidating. You're lookin' around, and it's all scary and different, but y'know... m-meeting them head-on, charging into 'em like a bull—that's how we grow as people. I'm no stranger to scary situations, I deal with them all the time. Now if you just stick with me, Morty, ''[a horrific alien monstrosity approaches behind]'' we're gonna be— '''HOLY CRAP, MORTY, RUN!! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE, MORTY, RUN!! I-I'VE NEVER SEEN THAT THING BEFORE IN MY LIFE, I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THE HELL IT IS!! WE-WE GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE, MORTY, IT'S GONNA KILL US!!! WE'RE GONNA DIE!!! WE'RE GONNA DIE, MORTY!!!''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Morty''': Holy cow, Rick! I didn't know hanging out with you was making me smarter! :'''Rick''': Full disclosure, Morty—it's not. Temporary superintelligence is just a side effect of the Megaseeds dissolving in your rectal cavity. :'''Morty''': Aw, man! :'''Rick''': Yeah. And once those seeds we''ahh''-wear off, you're gonna lose most of your motor skills and... you're also gonna lose a significant amount of brain functionality for 72 hours, Morty. ''[checks arm watches]'' Starting ''ruh''-ight about now. :'''Morty''': Ohh, man! Ohh, ohhh geez!! Ohh... ''[falls down]'' :'''Rick''': I'm sorry, Morty. It's a bummer. In reality, you're as dumb as they come. And I needed those seeds real bad and I have to give 'em up just to get your parents off my back! So now we're gonna have to go get more! And then we're gonna go on even more adventures after that, Morty! And you're gonna keep your mouth shut about it, Morty! Because the world is full of idiots that don't understand what's important, and they'll tear us apart, Morty! But if you stick with me, I'm gonna accomplish great things, Morty, and you're gonna be part of 'em! And together we're gonna run around, Morty, we're gonna- do all of kinds of wonderful things, Morty. Just you and me, Morty. :'''Morty''': ''[gurgling]'' No, no, no.... :'''Rick''': The outside world is our enemy, Morty! We're the only f''ehh''-friends we got, Morty! It's just Rick and Morty! ''Ruh''-ick and Morty and their adventures, Morty! Rick and Morty forever and forever, 100 years, Rick and Morty's things! Me and Rick and Morty running around and... Rick and Morty time! All day long, forever... all- a hundred days! Rick and Morty forever a hundred times! Over and over, rickandmortyadventures.com. rickandmorty.com. rickandmortyadventures. All 100 years. Every minute, rickandmorty.com. ''[closing garage door inside]'' 100timesrickandmorty.com. === ''{{w|Lawnmower Dog}}'' [1.02] === :'''Rick''': Boy, you're really gonna flip your lid over this one. :'''Morty''': Oh, w-wh... what is it? :'''Rick''': It's a device, Morty, that when you put it in your ear, you can enter people's ''dreams'', Morty. It's just like that movie you keep crowing about! :'''Morty''': You're talking about ''[[Inception]]''? :'''Rick''': That's right, Morty! This is gonna be a lot like that, except y'know, it's gonna ''me-beh''... make sense. :'''Morty''': ''Inception'' made sense! :'''Rick''': You don't have to try and impress me, Morty! Listen: tonight, we're gonna go into the home of your math teacher, Mr. Goldenfold, and we-we're gonna incept the idea in his brain to give you A's in math, Morty. That way you can... you know, y-you're gonna help me with my science, Morty, all the time. :'''Morty''': Geez, Rick. In the time it took you to make this thing, couldn't you have just, you know, helped me with my homework? :'''Rick''': Are you listening to me, Morty? Homework is stupid! The whole point is to get less of it! <hr width=50%> :'''Snuffles''': Where are my testicles, Summer? ''[long beat]'' Where are my testicles, Summer? They were removed. Where have they gone? :'''Summer''': Oh, wow... That's an intense line of questioning, Snuffles. :'''Snuffles''': Do ''not'' call me that! ''[smashes mirror behind him; Summer screams]'' "Snuffles" was my slave name. You shall now call me Snowball, because my fur is pretty and white. :'''Summer''': Okay... Snowball, just calm down, okay? You're scaring me. :'''Snowball''': ''[walks on her bed]'' Scaring you? Tell me, Summer. If a human was born with stumpy legs, would they breed it with another deformed human and put their children on display like the Dachshund? :'''Summer''': Uhhh... ''[Jerry and Beth come in]'' :'''Jerry''': Hey... ''[Beth gasps]'' Oh, wow... Okay, is-is-is everything okay in here? :'''Snowball''': Jerry, come to rub my face in urine again? :'''Jerry''': No! No, we were... uh, just seeing if Summer wanted to... uh... :'''Beth''': Go on, um, one of our famous midnight family walks! :'''Summer''': Yeah! Totally! Let's go. :''[another dog on a robot machine blocks the exit from Beth, Jerry and Summer]'' :'''Snowball''': You will walk when it is time to walk. === ''{{w|Anatomy Park}}'' [1.03] === :'''Poncho''': ''[throttles Morty]'' Who are you?! Answer me! Where'd you come from?! :'''Morty''': My-my-my grandpa Rick sent me! :'''Bloom''': Poncho! That's quite enough. ''[Poncho drops him down]'' Morty, that's Poncho. This is Roger and Annie. ''[closeup on Annie]'' :'''Morty''': Whoa... :'''Bloom''': And I am Dr. Xenon Bloom. :'''Morty''': Uh— ''[a miniature speaker pops out of the neck of his helmet]'' :'''Rick''': ''[via speaker]'' "''Hey, Bloom, it's Rick. What the hell's going on here?''" :'''Bloom''': I don't know why, but the entire security system has shut down, and I'm afraid... the exhibits are ''unlocked''. :'''Morty''': Exhibits? ''[the group walk out of the Haunted Liver]'' :'''Bloom''': Anatomy Park's greatest attraction, young man, isn't the music or the food or the... Pirates of the Pancreas. :'''Rick''': "''Watch it!''" :'''Bloom''': It is, first and foremost, a living museum of humanity's most noble and ferocious diseases. :'''Morty''': Diseases?! ''[ominous growling is heard]'' :'''Poncho''': Hey, Doc... I got news for ya! ''[a gigantic hideous monstrosity looms the area]'' Your living museum is officially a wild safari! ''[starts shooting at it]'' :'''Roger''': Hepatitis A! Run!! <hr width=50%> :''[Morty spots something out of Poncho's backpack]'' :'''Morty''': Poncho? What is this in your backpack? ''[Poncho turns back, Bloom sees it]'' :'''Bloom''': That's bubonic plague! What are you doing with that, Poncho? ''[Poncho takes Annie hostage]'' :'''Poncho''': Everybody get back!! :'''Bloom''': Poncho, you son of a bitch! You released the tuberculosis so you could steal from me? :'''Poncho''': That's right, baby. A lot of people would pay top dollar to decimate the population. I'll take the highest bidder—[[Al-Qaeda]], [[North Korea]], [[Republican Party (United States)|Republicans]], shriners, balding men that work out, people on the Internet that are only turned on by [[w:anime|cartoons of Japanese teenagers]]. Anything is better than working for you, you pompous, negligent, iTunes-gift-card-as-a-holiday bonus-giving mother— ''[a screaming Morty jumps on him]'' Come on! ''[pushes Morty down on the ground; starts laughing when his bacterium bite his shoulder]'' Ahh! Get off! :''[Poncho falls off the platform screaming down below. Soon after, the sphincter dam starts spewing]'' :'''Annie''': You guys! :'''Roger''': It's gonna burst!! Go!! Go, go, go!! ''[Morty, Annie and Bloom run to emergency exit; Roger pulls lever but traps his foot]'' My foot is stuck! :'''Annie''': No!! :'''Roger''': It's okay! It's okay, just go! Tell my family I love them. They may be hard to find 'cause my wife kept her last name and she made the kids take it, too, so, I-I don't know, you can go— ''[gets washed into excrement; shuts door]'' :'''Annie''': No!! ''[embraces Morty]'' === ''{{w|M. Night Shaym-Aliens!}}'' [1.04] === :''[Rick and Morty are running naked around town in an alien simulation chamber]'' :'''Morty''': Rick! ''[Rick pushes clothes in sewer]'' :'''Rick''': Uhp-uhp-uhp! Morty, keep your hands off your ding-dong! It's the only way we can speak freely. Look around you, Morty. Do you really think this ''wuh''-world is real? You'd have to be an idiot not to notice all the sloppy details. Look, that guy's putting a bun between two hot dogs. :'''Morty''': I dunno, Rick, I mean, I've seen people do that before. :'''Rick''': Well, look at that old lady. She's-she's walking a cat on a leash. :'''Morty''': Uh, Mrs. Spencer does that all the time, Rick. :'''Rick''': Look, I-I-I don't want to hear about Mrs. Spencer, Morty! She's an idiot! All right, all right, there. Wh-what about that, Morty? ''[see an anthropomorphic Pop-Tart leaving his toaster home on his toaster car]'' :'''Morty''': Okay, okay, you got me on that one. :'''Rick''': Oh, ''really'', Morty? Are you sure you haven't seen that somewhere in real life before? :'''Morty''': No, no, I haven't seen that. I mean, why would a Pop-Tart want to live inside a toaster, Rick? I mean, th-that would be like the scariest place for them to live. Y'know what I mean? :'''Rick''': You're missing the point, Morty. Why would he drive a smaller toaster with whsdkeels? I mean, does your car look like a smaller version of your house? No. :'''Morty''': So, why are they doing this? W-what do they want? :'''Rick''': Well, that would be obvious to you, Morty, if you'd been paying attention. :''[an ambulance drives past Rick and Morty and stops; open back doors]'' :'''Paramedic''': We got the [[President of the United States]] in here! We need 10cc of concentrated dark matter, stat, or he'll die! ''[Rick shuts doors]'' :'''Morty''': Concentrated dark matter? They were asking about that in class. :'''Rick''': Yeah, it's a special fuel I invented to travel through space faster than anybody else. These Zigerions are always trying to scam me out of my secrets, but they made a big mistake this time, Morty. They dragged ''you'' into this. Now they're gonna pay! :'''Morty''': What do you— w-w-what are we gonna do? :'''Rick''': We're gonna scam the scammers, Morty. And we're gonna take 'em for everything they've got. <hr width=50%> :'''Jerry''': Wow! What the hell?! What happened back there?! :'''Rick''': Why don't you ask the smartest people in the universe, Jerry? Oh yeah, you can't. They blew up. :''[Rick starts humming "Baker Street"]'' === ''{{w|Meeseeks and Destroy}}'' [1.05] === :'''Rick''': ''[holding up the device and smiling]'' Y-You know, these demonic alien spirits are really valuable! ''[Morty vomits as Rick glances at him and puts the box away]'' You okay, Morty? Told you not to trust that tuna. :'''Morty''': I just killed my family! I don’t care what they were! :'''Rick''': I dunno, Morty. Some people would pay top dollar for that kinda breakthrough. :'''Morty''': Y'know what, Rick?! That's it! I'm done with these i-insane adventures! That was really traumatizing! I quit! I'm out! :'''Rick''': Whoa, whoa, whoa! Come on, Morty! Do-don't-don't be like that! The universe is a crazy, chaotic place! :'''Morty''': ''You're'' the one that's crazy and chaotic! Adventures are supposed to be simple and fun! :'''Rick''': Oh yeah, Morty, yeah, re— Yeah, th-that's real easy to say from the sidekick position, but-but, uhh... how about next time you be in charge, and then we'll... talk about how simple and fun it is? :'''Morty''': Seriously, Rick? Y-Y-You'll let me... call the shots? :'''Rick''': Okay, yeah, fine! But let's make it interesting, Morty. I-I-I-If your adventure sucks and we bail halfway through it, you lose the right to bitch about all future adventures. Plus, you have to do my laundry for a month. :'''Morty''': Okay. All right, tough guy. But if my adventure's good, I get to be in charge of every third adventure. :'''Rick''': Every tenth. :'''Morty''': Deal. All right, w-well, come on! Let's get going! ''[Beth comes in]'' :'''Beth''': Dad, the dishwasher's doing that thing again. :'''Rick''': Washing dishes? :'''Beth''': No! The opposite. Can you fix it? ''[Summer comes in]'' :'''Summer''': Grandpa Rick! Can you help me with my science homework? :'''Rick''': Yeah, d— Just don't do it. :'''Summer''': Grandpa! ''[Jerry comes in]'' :'''Jerry''': Hey, Rick, you got some kind of hand-shaped device that can open this mayonnaise jar? :'''Rick''': Wow, hat trick. All right, Morty, let's put a pin in this, I gotta help your pathetic family. :'''Morty''': Oh, that sounds like something a chicken would say! Bahhk-bahk-bahk-bahk! :'''Rick''': Oh, Morty, y-you done did it this time. It's on. I can't wait to watch your adventure lay a huge fart. As for you ding-dongs... ''[rummages box and holds a cube]'' this is a Meeseeks Box. Let me show you how it works. You press this— ''[a blue man poofs out of nowhere]'' :'''Mr. Meeseeks''': I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! :'''Rick''': You make a request— Mr. Meeseeks, open Jerry's stupid mayonnaise jar. :'''Mr. Meeseeks''': Yessiree! :'''Rick''': —the Meeseeks fulfils the request... ''[Meeseeks opens jar]'' :'''Mr. Meeseeks''': All done! :'''Jerry''': Wow! :'''Rick''': —and then it stops existing. ''[Meeseeks poofs away]'' :'''Summer''': Oh, my God! He exploded! :'''Rick''': Trust me, they're fine with it. Knock yourselves out. Just... ''eh''-keep your requests simple. They're not g''ahh''-ods. :'''Morty''': All right, g-get outta here now! Everybody outta here! I got a bet to win! :''[after Summer, Beth, and Jerry leave, Morty closes the door]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Giant 1''': Hey look, we get it. You're little, you're down on your luck, you think "Hey, he's a giant. Why don't we break into his home, rob him and ''murder'' him?!" :'''Morty''': Th-th— But that's not how it went down! :'''Giant 2''': Oh well, it's going down like that. You're ''both'' going down like that. :'''Rick''': Ooh, boy, Morty, you're really showing me how it's done. ''Reehh''-al straightforward and fun. === ''{{w|Rick Potion No. 9}}'' [1.06] === :'''Jerry''': Meh, try not to worry about it, Morty. You're a good kid. And there's not a premium on that right now, but you'll be getting girls sometime after Brad's out of shape. :'''Morty''': You're missing the point, Dad... I don't want girls. I want Jessica! :'''Jerry''': Ah, well... I remember feeling that way about a young lady named "your mom". And that's not an urban diss—your mom was my Jessica. I remember the first time I saw her. I thought... :'''Rick''': ''[opens cupboard]'' "I should get her pregnant, then she'll have to marry me." :'''Jerry''': I beg your pardon, Rick. Inappropriate. :'''Rick''': ''[rummages freezer and fridge]'' Sorry, please proceed with your story about banging my daughter in high school. I'm not sure you wanna take romantic advice from this guy, Morty. His marriage is hanging from a thread. :'''Jerry''': My marriage is FINE, thank you. :'''Rick''': Jerry, it's your house. Whatever you say it is how it is, but I think a blind man could see that Beth is looking for the door. I barely have a reason to care and even I noticed. :'''Morty''': C'mon, Rick! Don't talk about my parents like that! :'''Rick''': Listen, Morty, I hate to break it to you, but what people call "love" is just a chemical reaction that compels animals to breed. It hits hard, Morty, then it slowly fades, leaving you stranded in a failing marriage. I did it. Your parents are gonna do it. Break the cycle, Morty. Rise above. Focus on science. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rick''': Alright, Morty, I just gotta ''erhp'' combine it with some of your DNA. :'''Morty''': Oh well, okay. ''[unzips]'' :'''Rick''': A '''''hair,''''' Morty. I need one of your hairs. This isn't ''[[Game of Thrones (TV series)|Game of Thrones]]''. ''[pluck]'' :'''Morty''': Ow!! === ''{{w|Raising Gazorpazorp}}'' [1.07] === :''[at a pawn shop on a small planetoid]'' :'''Rick''': Look, I'm not paying 70 ''(erh)'' smidgens for a ''(ERHH)'' broken defraculator. :'''Pawnbroker''': That is multiphase quantum resonator. :'''Rick''': Well, does it defraculate? :'''Pawnbroker''': [Bleep], no. :'''Rick''': Then- then- then it's a broken defraculator. :'''Pawnbroker''': Like you would even know dick about fraculation! Your planet just got cellphones, and the coverage ''still sucks!!'' :'''Rick''': Yeah, yeah, and your species eat sulfur. So let's say 60 smidgens. I tell you what, I'll do you a favor. I'll throw in a fart. :'''Morty''': Hey uh, Rick, um... y-you think maybe I could get something from this place? L-l-like a souvenir? L-like just to have—like something cool, y'know? :'''Rick''': Not here, Morty, we'll stop somewhere else, because you know, there's always another pawn shop. :'''Morty''': Oh okay, I just, um... Y'know, I thought that robot over there looked pretty cool, y'know? :'''Rick''': Oh, it looks cool, huh? That's why you want it? :'''Morty''': Yeah, y'know! I mean, it's different from the stuff on Earth. A-a-a-and y'know, y-you take me to all these crazy places across the galaxy and- y'know, I don't really have anything to- to remember all those trips by. It'd be kinda cool, like a souvenir. Y'know, like, what if you passed away or died or something? I wouldn't even have anything to remember... all the cool stuff we did, y'know? :'''Rick''': Okay. 60 ''(erhp)'' for the resonator, and my grandson wants the sex robot. <hr width=50%/> :''[Morty sees Morty Jr. turned into monster in the living room]'' :'''Morty''': Morty Jr.! Smoking?! That is ''not'' okay! :'''Morty Jr.''': What are you gonna do, ground me?! I can't go outside anyway! :'''Morty''': So what?! Y-Y-You could do things inside! Y-You could play guitar, you could masturbate! :'''Morty Jr.''': I don't wanna masturbate! I wanna conquer the planet! :'''Morty''': Oh, here we go again! Y-Y'know, who do you think is gonna love you if you conquer the planet, Morty Jr.?! :'''Morty Jr.''': Love... that's all you care about! What about weapons?! What about domination of the enemy?! :'''Morty''': Alright, that's it! No more History Channel! This TV is for cartoons and video games ''only''! :'''Morty Jr.''': I '''hate''' video games!! :'''Morty''': You take that '''''back'''''!! ''[they fight over the remote]'' Give it to me!! ''[pushes Morty Jr.]'' I-I-I-I— I didn't mean— I didn't mean that! I didn't mean to do that! I'm sorry! :'''Morty Jr.''': ''[runs to the door]'' I can't take this anymore!! I'd rather breathe poison than live another minute with '''you'''!! :'''Morty''': No! No, no, no! Stop!! :''[Morty Jr. nudges Morty back and walks out of the house. He takes a deep breath and holds it in; he pauses for a beat]'' :'''Morty Jr.''': My life has been a lie! God is dead! The government's lame! ''[runs into the street]'' Thanksgiving is about killing Indians! Jesus wasn't born on Christmas! They moved the date, it was a pagan holiday! === ''{{w|Rixty Minutes}}'' [1.08] === :'''Summer''': ''[uses alternate reality goggles]'' Ooh, we're not playing Yahtzee, we're playing Chutes and Ladders! It seems like when I exist, life gets a little more, I don't know... predictable? :'''Beth''': When two people create a life together, they set aside their previous lives as individuals. :'''Jerry''': Gimme a break! We're not heroes for having unprotected sex on prom night. ''[uses goggles]'' :'''Beth''': Oh, I get it. Now that you know you could have had it better, you resent ''me'' for holding ''you'' back. :'''Jerry''': Well, now that we know you think the tables are turning, we know you thought there were unturned tables! :'''Beth''': ''[scoffs]'' What are you talking about? :'''Jerry''': All this time, you've been thinking, "What if that loser Jerry hadn't talked me out of the abortion?" Well, now you know, you'd be a doctor. Whoop-dee-doo. You'd also be drinking wine, alone in a house full of exotic birds. And I'd be on [[Leonardo DiCaprio|DiCaprio]]'s yacht, banging [[Kristen Stewart]]! <hr width=50%> :''[Morty walks in on Summer, packing a bag and preparing to run away]'' :'''Morty''': Hey, uh…y-you doing okay? ''[she glares at him]'' I-I kinda know how you feel, Summer— :'''Summer''': No you don't. You're the little brother. You're not the cause of your parents' misery, you're just a symptom of it. :'''Morty''': Can I show you something? :'''Summer''': Morty, no offence, but a drawing of me you made when you were eight isn't gonna make me feel like less of an accident! :'''Morty''': ''[points outside]'' THAT, out there? That's my grave. :'''Summer''': ''[understandably confused]'' Wait, what? :'''Morty''': On one of our adventures, Rick and I basically destroyed the whole world. So we bailed on that reality and we came to this one. Because in this one, the world wasn't destroyed. And in this one, we were dead. So we came here, a-an-an-and we buried ourselves and we took their place. And every morning, Summer, I eat breakfast 20 yards away from ''my own rotting corpse!'' :'''Summer''': So…you're not my brother? :'''Morty''': I'm ''better'' than your brother. I'm a version of your brother you can trust when he says "Don't run." Nobody exists on purpose. Nobody belongs anywhere. Everybody's gonna die. ''[beat]'' …Come watch TV? === ''Something Ricked This Way Comes'' [1.09] === :'''Rick''': Have you acquired creepy specific old stuff from a mysterious antique or thrift store that gives you powers, but fucks with you in unforeseeable ways? Bring it to "Curse Purge Plus"! I-I use science to un-curse the items for cash, and you get to keep the powers! This guy got mysterious sneakers to make him run faster, but guess what? He would've had to run until he died, making them worthless! I've removed the curse, making them worth, like, I don't know, $8 million? See you at the Olympics. This eerily intelligent doll was threatening to murder its family. Now it does their taxes. :'''Doll''': ''Everything's deductible.'' :'''Rick''': Don't pay for cool stuff with your soul. Pay for it with money. You know, like how every store in the world works? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jerry''': Morty, I'm not as smart as your Grandpa Rick, but I promise never to make that your problem again. :'''Morty''': Hey, Dad? Nobody's smarter than Rick, but nobody else is my dad. You're a genius at that. :'''Jerry''': Wow, that's humbling and flattering, son. Thank you. What's say we finish ourselves an 8-planet solar system? :'''Morty''': Um... ''[holds up the butter robot in a sandwich baggie]'' I'm just gonna take this thing in and get an A. :'''Butter Robot''': Butter. :'''Jerry''': But— :'''Morty''': You're a genius at being my dad, Dad. Quit while you're ahead. ''[Jerry begins to shut the door]'' And also, knock next time, you know? I mean, I'm sitting in here, I'm fourteen! I got a computer in here, you know? :'''Jerry''': Oh, I, uh... I think I understa— :'''Morty''': You know, you're really playing with fire when you burst in here like that, man. :'''Jerry''': I get it. Say no more. :'''Morty''': I mean one of these days, you know, you're gonna—you're gonna—you're gonna end up seeing ''something''. :'''Jerry''': I got it! Noted! Good night! === ''Close Rick-Counters of the Rick Kind'' [1.10] === :'''Morty''': Geez, Rick, wh-what is this place? :'''Rick''': The Citadel of Ricks. It's the secret headquarters for the Council of Ricks. :'''Morty''': Council of Ricks? :'''Rick''': As you know, Morty, I've got a lot of enemies in the universe that consider my genius a threat. Galactic terrorists, a few sub-galactic dictators, most of the entire intergalactic government. Wh-wherever you find people with heads up their asses, someone wants a piece of your grandpa. And a lot of versions of me on different timelines had the same problem. So a few thousand versions of me had the ''[yells]'' INGENIOUS IDEA OF BANDING TOGETHER like a herd of cattle or a school of fish, or... those people who answer questions on {{w|Yahoo! Answers}}. :'''Morty''': Hey! What do you know? It's a cowboy version of me! :'''Rick''': Geez, you're easy to impress. Yeah, most timelines have a Rick, and most Ricks have a Morty. This place is a real who's who of who's you and me. :'''Rick Seller 1''': Turn your boring, old Morty into a... hot fashion statement... with some Morty dazzlers! :'''Rick Seller 2''': Hey, check this out! ''[presses Morty doll]'' :'''Morty Doll''': ''Show me the Morty!'' :'''Rick''': Dumb. :'''Rick Insurer''': Excuse me, sir, is your Morty insured? You know, every year, hundreds of Mortys are injured— :'''Rick''': Back off! Not my cup of tea, this place. I say the point of being a Rick is being ''a'' Rick. :'''Rick Officer''': Save your anti-Rick speech for the Council of Ricks, ''terror''-Rick. :'''Rick''': Hey, save your Rick rules for the ''uuueh'' sheep-Ricks, Rick-pig. :'''Rick Officer''': Fuck me, pal. :'''Rick''': "Fuck you"? No, no, no, no, no, fuck ''ME!'' <hr width=50%> :'''Riq IV''': Earth Rick C-137! The Council of Ricks sentences you to the Machine of Unspeakable Doom, which swaps your conscious and unconscious minds, rendering your fantasies pointless while everything you've known becomes impossible to grasp! Also, every ten seconds, it stabs your balls. <hr width=50%> :'''Morty''': You know, Rick, when I first saw all those Ricks and Mortys, I thought, "Gee, that kinda devalues our bond." But then I realized it just means that our relationship must be pretty special to span over all those different timelines. :'''Rick''': Yeah, it's gotta be that way. You're a camouflage. :'''Morty''': Camouflage? Wh-wh-what are you talking about, Rick? :'''Rick''': Ricks have a very distinctive and traceable brainwave due to our genius. The best way to hide from an enemy's radar is to stand near someone with complementary brainwaves that make ours invisible. ''[picks his pen]'' See, w-w-w-when a Rick i-is with a Morty, ''[writes diagram]'' the genius waves get canceled out by the, uh... ahe-hem... Morty waves. :'''Morty''': Um... because... our personalities are so different? === ''{{w|Ricksy Business}}'' [1.11] === :''[Abradolf Lincler smashes a hole in the wall]'' :'''Rick''': Oh, great. Who invited Abradolf Lincler? :'''Summer''': I thought everyone was welcome. :'''Rick''': It's not the same, Summer! Lincler's a crazed maniac. He's just a misguided effort of mine to create a morally neutral super-leader by combining the DNA of [[Adolf Hitler]] and [[Abraham Lincoln]]. Turns out that ''ehh''-it just adds up to a lame, weird... loser. :'''Lincler''': Rick... you brought me into this world a suffering abomination, tortured by the duality of its being, but I shall finally know peace when I WATCH THE LIFE DRAIN FROM YOUR WRETCHED BODY!! ''[accidentally nudges at Brad]'' :'''Brad''': Whoa! What's up, man? :'''Lincler''': I have no quarrel with you, boy. :'''Brad''': ''Boy''? What's that supposed to mean? :'''Lincler''': It's just— L-Look, I-I-I don't know you thought I mean it, but... ''[shrugs at Rick]'' :'''Rick''': Don't look at me, dude. :'''Lincler''': Look, I'm half-Abraham Lincoln, so... :'''Brad''': So... I should get on my knees and kiss your ass?! :'''Lincler''': No, but... ''[strains]'' Y'know— :'''Brad''': What do I know?! That the Third Reich will reign for a thousand years?! :'''Jessica''': Leave him alone, Brad! :'''Brad''': Stay outta this, Jessica!! :'''Rick''': KICK HIS ASS, BRAD!! ''[everyone starts chanting]'' KICK HIS ASS!! KICK HIS ASS!! :''[Brad punches, kneebutts Lincler's face to a bloody pulp and brawls at him more]'' :'''Jessica''': Brad! ''[runs off to the front door with Morty running after her; he has Rick behind him]'' :'''Morty''': Rick!! :'''Rick''': ''[pushes him]'' Just did you a favor, Morty. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bird Person''': Morty, do you know what ''wubba lubba dub dub'' means? :'''Morty''': Oh, that's just Rick's stupid nonsense catchphrase. :'''Bird Person''': It's not nonsense at all. In my people's tongue, it means, ''I am in great pain. Please help me.'' :'''Morty''': Well, I got news for ya—he's saying it ironically. :'''Bird Person''': No, Morty. Your grandfather is indeed in very deep pain. That is why he must numb himself. :'''Morty''': Come on... uh— :'''Bird Person''': Bird Person. :'''Morty''': Come on, Bird Person! Rick's not that complicated! He's just a... huge asshole! :'''Bird Person''': Then why do care so much if you are no longer allowed to continue on your adventures together? It appears fate has presented you with an opportunity to free yourself of Rick forever. :'''Morty''': Y'know what, you're right. I shouldn't even care! This is probably the best thing that could have happened to me! I'm sick of having adventures with Rick! :'''Bird Person''': My people have another saying. ''Gubba nub nub doo rah kah.'' It means, ''Whatever lets you sleep at night.'' == Season 2 == === ''{{w|A Rickle in Time}}'' [2.01] === :'''Ricks''': This is why you don't freeze time, you guys. It's incredibly irresponsible. :'''Mortys''': And you did it so we could clean the house after a party?! :'''Ricks''': Look, there's no time to hold me accountable, Morty. Like, literally no time. Look around. Uncertainty is inherently unsustainable. Eventually, everything either is or isn't. And we've got about four hours to be "is." :'''Mortys''': Or...? :'''Ricks''': We "isn't." All right, since this time crystal exists in both possibilities, and since it's impossible that I didn't nail this, I'm probably about to press this button in both possibilities at exactly the same time. :'''Morty 1/Summer 2''': How do you know that I— :'''Ricks''': Whatever you're asking, the answer is I'm amazing. And away we go! :''[the two Ricks press their buttons; the two realities are starting to merge back together as one]'' :'''Rick''': Huh, what do ya know—it's working. ''[the two Mortys and Summers begin distorting each other thoroughly]'' Oh... shit! :''[Rick reverts into two possibilities again]'' :'''Ricks''': What the hell is wrong with you two?! I-I-I-I..I mean, you four! :'''Mortys/Summer 2''': That hurt! That was painful! :'''Ricks''': Good! I'm glad that was painful! You deserve it! I saw you!! Y-You're both ''uhh''-all over the damn place! We've been split for 20 minutes and your lives are already scattered to the quantum fucking wind?! What the hell do either of you two have to be so uncertain about?! Your brand of zit cream?! Which chair to sit in while I do everything?! Come on, spit it out! :'''Mortys''': Well, you don't exactly make it easy, Rick! ''[talk differently at the same time]'' You make fun all the time and that's got Summer to do! / You're always picking on me and now you got Summer to kiss your ass! :'''Summers''': Me?! What about you?! Could you be more excited to see me fail?! You got Grandpa all to yourself! / You're just as mean to me because you're jealous... because you want Grandpa all to yourself! :'''Ricks''': All right, all right, cool it! I see what's happening here. You're both young, you're both unsure about your place in the universe, and you both want to be Grandpa's favourite. I can fix this. Morty, sit here. Summer, you sit here. Now, listen—I know the two of you are very different from each other in a lot of ways, but you have to understand that as far as Grandpa's concerned, you're both pieces of shit! Yeah. I can prove it mathematically. Actually, l-l-let me grab my whiteboard. This has been a long time coming, anyways. <hr width="50%"> :'''Ricks''': So, in conclusion, you're both equally mercurial, overly sensitive, clingy, hysterical bird-brain homunculi. And I honestly can't even tell the two of you apart half the time because I don't go by height or age, I go by amount of pain in my ass—which makes you both identical. All right, everything resolved? Everybody nice and certain about their position in my world? :'''Mortys/Summers''': Yes. :'''Ricks''': All right, perfect. Sit still, ''arr''-arms down. I'm gonna do this again. This time, be like Grandpa. :'''Morty 2''': You mean drunk? :'''Rick 2/Rick 1''': What's that? You got something to say? / And awaaay we go! :'''Morty 2''': No. :'''Rick 2''': And awaaay we go! ''[presses his button but no response]'' Huh, that's weird. :'''Rick 1''': Huh, that's weird. ''[keeps pressing to no avail]'' Oh my God. :'''Summer 1/Rick 2''': What? / Oh my God. :'''Summer 2/Rick 1''': What? / The sonofabitch is gonna kill me! :'''Morty 1/Summer 1/Rick 2''': What?! / The sonofabitch is gonna kill me! :'''Morty 2/Summer 2''': What?! ''[both Ricks tinker time-device]'' :'''Rick 1''': Diabolical, unfeeling sociopath! Don't you get it?! Don't you get it?! :'''Rick 2''': Don't you get it?! The other Rick isn't trying to merge us anymore! :'''Ricks''': He thinks he can save his own skin by using the crystal to kill me! He probably figures it's ''ehh''-easier to eliminate one of the possibilities rather than merge them! ''[chuckling]'' I have to admit, it's always in the back of my mind too. The difference is I would never do it! Until now. :'''Mortys''': Rick, what the hell are you doing?! :'''Ricks''': Saving our lives! After he takes me out, he's g-g— he's gonna be coming for you! :'''Summers''': Who?! :'''Ricks''': Me! ''[Rick 1 shoots first before Rick 2 does; Morty and Summer 2 scream]'' :'''Rick 2''': You see that?! Get down! ''[shoots upwards at Rick 1]'' :'''Rick 1''': I told you! He's a psycho! :'''Rick 2''': He's lost it! Th-th-th-the time fracture must've made him crazy! :'''Rick 1/Summer 2''': I don't know what to do! I don't know what to do! / Oh, crap! :''[the two possibilities then gradually split into four; all Ricks look at their monitors with four dots]'' :'''Ricks''': Oh, God, now there's three of 'em! We're outnumbered! Get in the cupboards! ''[all Mortys and Summers do so]'' Wait, do-don't do that! They'll know! Wa-wait— Think about getting in the cupboards, but don't really! ''[all Ricks shoot their cupboards]'' <big><big>'''''URAAAHHHH''!!!!'''</big></big> IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT, YOU SICK FUCKS?!! YOU WANT TO SEE CHILDREN DIE?!! === ''Mortynight Run'' [2.02] === :'''Rick''': Okay, wait here. :'''Morty''': I wanna come with! :'''Rick''': Don't come with. It's boring, it's... ''[burp]'' it's business stuff. :'''Morty''': What kind of business do you do in a garage? Y'know, this seems a little shady. :'''Rick''': Right, yeah, like nothing shady ever happened in a fully furnished office? You ever hear about Wall Street, Morty? Y-Y-Y'know what those guys do i-in-in their fancy boardrooms? They take their balls and they dip 'em in cocaine and wipe 'em all over each other—y'know, Grandpa goes around and he does his business in public, because Grandpa isn't shady. ''[someone knocks his window]'' Aw, crap. Hey, what's up? :'''Krombopulos Michael''': Hey, Rick! ''[laughs]'' Here you go, 3,000 flerbos. Do you have the weapon? :'''Rick''': C-Can we please? This is my grandson, Morty. :'''Krombopulos Michael''': Oh, hi, Morty! I'm Krombopulos Michael. I'm an assassin, I buy guns from your grandpa. :'''Rick''': ''[groans]'' Here, go away! ''[K. Michael opens case]'' :'''Krombopulos Michael''': Ooh! Yeah, this looks deadly. So, this shoots antimatter? My target can't be killed with regular matter. Nice to meet ya, Morty! Listen, if ya ever need anybody murdered, ''[hands Morty a card]'' please give me a call. :'''Rick''': You're g— you're giving him a card?! :'''Krombopulos Michael''': ''[cont'd]'' I have no code of ethics, I will kill anyone, anywhere. Children, animals, old people, doesn't matter. I just love killin'. ''[leaves]'' :'''Morty''': You sell weapons to killers for money?! :'''Rick''': Ugh... You've got what the intergalactic call a very planetary mindset, Morty. It's more complicated out here. These are flerbos. Do you understand what two humans can accomplish with 3,000 of these? :'''Morty''': Uh, what? :'''Rick''': An entire afternoon at '''''BLIPS AND CHI-I-I-I-I-ITZ!!!!''''' <hr width=50%> :'''Fart''': Thank you, Morty. You are not like other carbon-based lifeforms. You put the value of all life above your own. :'''Morty''': It's how things should be. It's how they could be. :'''Fart''': I could not agree more. ''[sings]'' :''The worlds can be one together, cosmos without hatred'' :''Stars like diamonds in your eyes'' :''The ground can be space (space, space, space, space)'' :''With feet marching towards a peaceful sky.'' :''All the moonmen want things their way'' :''But we make sure they see the sun.'' :''Goodbye, moonmen'' :''You say goodbye, moonmen'' :''Goodbye— :'''Rick''': SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT MOONMEN! This isn't a musical number! This is a fucking... operation, we gotta be cool and fucking lay low. === ''Auto Erotic Assimilation'' [2.03] === :'''Rick''': "World peace achieved." Nice. Little weird to publish a paper about it for yourself, but hey. So, what's next? :'''Unity Newsman''': After I become a type-one civilization, this world will be invited into the Galactic Federation. :'''Rick''': Oh, goody. :'''Unity Businessman''': From there, I'll have access to countless planets and species. :'''Unity Woman''': One by one, I will unify them, I will become the universe, and I will be what the single-minded once called a god. :'''Rick''': ''[belches]'' I like that. Oh, that's pretty sexy. Hey, listen, where can we get a drink around here? :'''Unity Old Woman''': Recreational substances were phased out here. There's no need for escape from the self when your world is one. :'''Rick''': Unity, Unity, who am I talking to?! I watched you assimilate a whole police station just to get your hands on the evidence locker. :'''Unity Deliveryman''': Rick, when we met, I was a young hive mind with the population of a small town. People change. :'''Unity Hobo''': Especially when I change them. I'm sorry to disappoint you, but I've grown. :'''Rick''': Hey, listen, I've grown, too. I have! See, I've-I've reconnected with my family, right? :'''Unity Policewoman''': Hm. Why is that, I wonder? :'''Rick''': Maybe it's part of getting old. Maybe I just missed being with... a collective. ''[they both exchange kisses, upping their sexual arousal]'' :'''Unity People''': Yes, Rick, yes! Yes, yes! :'''Rick''': Wait, wait, stop! H-Hold it! Not like this. We need a hang glider, and a crotchless Uncle Sam costume, and I want the entire field of your largest stadium covered end to end with naked redheads, and I want the stands packed with every man that remotely resembles my father. <hr width=50%> :''[Blim Blam punches a glass door and aims a device at Jerry and Beth before using it on its throat]'' :'''Blim Blam''': ''[speaks]'' Um, first of all, hello. Uh, my name is Blim Blam the Korblok. Second of all, cards on the table, I'm a murderer that eats babies, and I came to this planet to ''eat'' babies. ''[Jerry smirks at Beth]'' However, I am also carrying a highly infectious disease that I suppose you could call "space AIDS" as you put it, and Rick ''did'' chain me up so that he could attempt to cure it. ''[Beth serves Jerry]'' At the same time, Rick's motivation to cure my disease was not to save my life or anyone else's, but to patent and sell the cure for billions of Blemflarcks. ''[Jerry serves back]'' But you know the reason why I ripped my chains out of the wall? ''[confronts them]'' And do you know why I'm never coming back to this planet?! BECAUSE THE TWO OF YOU ARE THE '''FUCKING WORST!!!''' You both hate yourselves AND each other! And the idea that it has '''ANYTHING''' to do with Rick is ''laughable''. I'd laugh, but I'm biologically incapable. ''That's'' how alien I am! And even I'm sitting here listening to the two of you and being like, "WHAT THE '''FUCK?!?'''" So! Good luck with your shitty marriage, and tell Rick I'm sorry he has to deal with EITHER of you! Blim Blam '''OUT!''' ''[mic-drops the device and leaves, only to come back for the device]'' You know what? I'm taking this. === ''Total Rickall'' [2.04] === :''[Rick shoots Uncle Steve in the head with his laser gun; everyone freaks out]'' :'''Morty''': What the hell, Rick?! What the hell?! :'''Rick''': Would everybody just relax for a second? There's no such thing as an "Uncle Steve". ''That'' is an alien parasite. ''[Steve's body morphs into a horrifyingly-looking alien, spraying magenta enzymes out of its mouth tentacles at Jerry. Summer and Beth gasp]'' :'''Jerry''': But I've known him my whole life! :'''Rick''': No, you haven't, Jerry! ''[brings it onto table]'' These telepathic little bastards, they embed themselves in memories and th-th-they use those to multiply and spread out, take over planets. It's-it's disgusting. :'''Morty''': Steve wasn't real?! :'''Rick''': He's a real piece of shit! This is a big one. ''[drops it]'' Somebody probably tracked it in last week on the bottom of their shoe or on a piece of alien fruit. :'''Summer''': Someone? :'''Rick''': Get off the high road, Summer! We all got pinkeye because you won't stop texting on the toilet. :'''Morty''': But Uncle Steve taught me how to ride a bike! :'''Rick''': No, "''Steve''" put that memory in your brain so he could live in your house, eat your food and multiply. We could be infested with these things. ''[burps, unloads laser clip]'' So, we got to keep an eye out for any zany, wacky characters that pop up. :'''Mr. Poopybutthole''': Oooohwee! Whatever you want, Rick, we're here to help! :'''Rick''': Thanks, Mr. Poopybutthole. I always could count on you. <hr width=50%> :'''Sleepy Gary''': I think you should put down the gun and we should get you to a doctor. What do you say we take down these blast shields? :'''Rick''': I can't do that, Sleepy Gary. All right, everybody listen to me! I don't know if any of you guys are real, but this house has been infested with fake loved ones that spread through fake memories, and our planet will be destroyed if they get out. :'''Pencilvester''': ''[grunts]'' But Rick, even you have to admit you do tend to overreact to stuff. :''[cutaway to living room with Frankenstein, Morty, Ghost In a Jar, Pencilvester, Beth and Sleepy Gary]'' :'''Rick''': You guys! We gotta hurry! I just got back from {{w|Walmart}}, they're selling {{w|Nintendo 3DS}} systems for 149.99 on sale, plus every time you buy one, you get a $50 gift card—brings the total price down to $110 after tax! Now listen! We can flip those sons of bitches for 230 bucks apiece easy! They're all limited-edition "{{w|The Legend of Zelda|Zelda}}" ones! Hurry! Hurry, come with me! We can be rich, and we also all get to keep one and we can play {{w|Nintendo}} games! ''[exits, comes back]'' Nintendo, give me free stuff. :''[back to present]'' :'''Rick''': Okay, yes, I definitely remember doing that, but also, I would never do that! :'''Pencilvester''': Don't overreact, Rick. === ''Get Schwifty'' [2.05] === :'''Morty''': Mr. President, if I've learned one thing today, it's that sometimes you have to not give a fuck! <hr width=50%> :'''Rick''': Wh-what do you think, Ice? Probably a little overdeveloped. :'''Ice-T''': Shit. Overdeveloped, underdeveloped, a bad song's a bag song. :'''Rick''': Well, do you think, maybe— Could you give me some help with it or...? :'''Ice-T''': Aw, hell no, man. You do your thing, but I can't afford to get my pride wrapped up in your shame. You know what I'm saying? :'''Rick''': Ice, I don't want to be a Negative Nelly or anything, but ''ihh''-if Morty doesn't come back with my portal gun and I eat it out there, it's, uh, y'know, kind of your problem too. :'''Ice-T''': Pfft! I ain't worried about no Earth blowing up, man. :'''Rick''': What? Why not? :'''Ice-T''': Yo, this is why. ''[his body turns into a giant floating block of ice]'' :'''Rick''': What the fuck? You can turn into ice?! :'''Ice-T''': My story begins at the dawn of time in the faraway realm of Alphabetrium. There, every being is a letter of the alphabet. But I was frozen and exiled to the cosmos by my elders as punishment for not caring enough about ''anything''. Earth is just one of my many stops on a lifelong journey with no destination. So you better believe I don't care if it blows up. Because I'll just be ice floating through space, like a comet! :'''Rick''': Take it from me, Ice. Y''ouu'' can't just ''eh''-float around space not caring about stuff forever. :'''Ice-T''': Pssh! Man, watch me. Good luck, Rick. === ''{{w|The Ricks Must Be Crazy}}'' [2.06] === :'''Morty''': ''[phased into a room]'' Oh, man! Where are we, Rick? :'''Rick''': Morty, remember eight seconds ago when— ''[burps]'' when you said "Go inside what?" and I said "The battery"? And then we showed up here and I wasn't like, "Whoa, this is unexpected. This is not what I was expecting, Morty. What a perplexing mystery this is." :'''Morty''': All right, all right. We're inside the battery, I get it. You don't have to bust my balls. :'''Rick''': Huh, this isn't right. This pipe's supposed to be sending 20 terawatts of juice to the... engine, Morty. Instead, we've got... ''zero''? Now what are these people doing?! :'''Morty''': W-W-W-Whoa... People? :'''Rick''': ''Ugh''... It's time for some hands-on engine repair. All right, Morty, hold on to something. :'''Morty''': Whoa! :''[the engine room hovers out of a volcano and flies into a civilized city]'' :'''Morty''': Holy crap! I thought we were inside your car battery, Rick! T-T-This is like a whole p-planet or something! :'''Rick''': Thanks, Morty. I'm pretty proud of this bad boy. Check it out. ''[shows hologram]'' I put a spatially tessellated void inside a modified temporal field until a planet developed intelligent life. I then introduced that life to the wonders of electricity, which they now generate on a global scale. And, you know, some of it goes to power my engine and charge my phone and stuff. :'''Morty''': You have a whole planet... sitting around making your power for you?! That's [[slavery]]! :'''Rick''': It's [[society]]! They work for each other, Morty. They pay each other, they buy houses, they get married and make children that replace them when they get too old to make power. :'''Morty''': That just sounds like slavery with extra steps! :'''Rick''': Ooh-la-la, someone's gonna get laid in college. <hr width=50%/> :'''Zeep''': You do realize this will make the floooble crank obsolete? ''[Rick flexes his bones]'' This is wrong, Kyle. What you're doing is wrong. You're basically... ''[scoffs, Rick mouths his words]'' This is slavery. You're talking about creating a planet of slaves. :'''Rick''': ''[burps]'' Told you, Zeep. :'''Kyle''': Oh, they won't be slaves. They'll work for each other and pay each other money. :'''Zeep''': That just sounds like slavery with ex...tra... steps... ''[turns to Rick]'' :'''Rick''': What? :'''Zeep''': Wait a minute... ''[grabs him]'' Did you create my universe?! Is my universe a miniverse?! :'''Rick''': Microverse!! :'''Kyle''': Uh, teenyverse. :'''Rick''': ''[Zeep removes his antenna headband]'' Ugh! You bastard!! ''[removes Zeep's mask]'' :'''Zeep''': Much obliged! ''[pummels into Rick fighting each other]'' :'''Kyle''': What the hell is happening? :'''Morty''': This is healthy. Trust me. :'''Rick''': You're my battery, motherfucker! ''[punches Zeep]'' That's all you are! I made you!! Your microverse sucks!! And your miniverse is the size of a fucking lobster tank!! It's whack!! :'''Kyle''': Are they not really aliens? :'''Morty''': Nah, they're just a couple of... crazy, wacky scientists, y'know? :'''Kyle''': So he made a universe, and that guy is from that universe, and that guy made a universe... and that's the universe where I was born? Where my father died... Where I couldn't make time for his funeral because I was working on ''my'' universe. :'''Morty''': ''[laughs]'' Yeah! Science, huh? Ain't it a thing. Y'know, one time, Rick sh— accidentally shot his laser pistol right through my hand. Ha, y'know, I mean, like... o...old-lady science, y'know? She-she-she's... she's a real... ''[Kyle walks away]'' You gotta hang on tight, y'know? Because she... she'll, she bucks really hard. ''[Kyle enters engine room pod, flies it straight into a canyon]'' Ohh, boy, wha— Oh my God, no!! :''[the pod crashes into the canyon; Morty looks down at its flaming debris in the river with Rick and Zeep looking down]'' :'''Zeep/Rick''': Teenyverse. <hr width=50%/> :'''Zeep''': Asshole! When I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna smash it to pieces with you in it! :'''Rick''': Yeah, well, when ''I'' get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna get out of the surrounding miniverse, and then the microverse around that, and guess what?! :'''Morty''': Don't make things worse, Rick! ''[to Zeep]'' Uh, he's not gonna destroy your universe, ya know? W-We need it to start our car-- :'''Zeep''': ''[aghast]'' THAT'S what you use my universe for?! TO RUN YOUR CAR?! :'''Rick''': Yeah, but don't flatter yourself! There's always triple-A, you fucking cocksucker! === ''Big Trouble in Little Sanchez'' [2.07] === :'''Summer''': Wait, what?! Vampires are real?! :'''Rick''': Yes, Summer, vampires are real. Who knew? Oh right, all humanity for hundreds of years now. :'''Morty''': Yeah, Summer, it's a big universe. Get used to it. R-Right, Rick? :'''Summer''': Well, what are we going to do?! :'''Rick''': We're gonna live our lives until we die. Possibly by vampire. More likely auto accident or heart disease, but possibly vampire. <hr width="50%"/> :''[meanwhile, in Harry Herpson High School]'' :'''Summer''': Any leads on the vampire? :'''Morty''': No, Summer. I mean, y'know, I think it might be time that we just l-let it go. :'''Summer''': Oh, so now you're too cool for this just because Grandpa Rick is? :'''Morty''': It's not that, it's just... that the universe is a little too big to care about something so small. ''[closes locker next to Tiny Rick]'' Ahh! :'''Tiny Rick''': What up, my Helsings?! Who wants to hunt a vampire?! Hahaha! :'''Morty''': Rick?! H-How did you— :'''Tiny Rick''': Yeah, I got bored and then I remembered this morning how I blew Summer off and I thought, "Hey, why're you such a grumpy douche, Rick? Go to the garage, transfer your mind into a younger clone of yourself, and get embroiled on in some youthful hijinks. What's the BFD?" So here I am. I'm Tiny Rick!! :'''Morty''': O-o-okay... :'''Summer''': Well, it's good you're here, Rick. :'''Tiny Rick''': It'll still be fun to do this as a fuckin' team, motherfuckas! ''[all hands join, up high]'' Tiny Rick! :'''Summer''': Yeah! Oh my God—Toby Matthews! :'''Tiny Rick''': Hey, Toby. I'm Tiny Rick. ''[Summer hides her face]'' I'm new. Hey—oh, go easy on me. Haha! Just kiddin'. :'''Toby Matthews''': ''[beat]'' ..I like your straightforward style. And that lab coat's pretty cool. ''[strolls]'' Summer. :'''Summer''': ..He knows my name! :'''Tiny Rick''': Why wouldn't he?! You're great! But listen, just be careful. We can't rule anybody out as the vampire, ''[nudges Summer's arm]'' not even the dreamboats. :'''Summer''': ''[flattered]'' Stop, Tiny Rick. :'''Tiny Rick''': HUNTIN' A VAMPIRE WITH MY GRANDKIIIDS!! FUCK!! '''''TINY RIIICK!!!''''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tiny Rick''': Hey, what's up, Summer? Ooh, nice top. :'''Summer''': Thanks. Tiny Rick, you think you might be getting back into your old body tonight? :'''Tiny Rick''': No can do. Tonight's the big dance, and Morty's bringing Jessica. He needs his tiny wingman! ''[high-fives Morty]'' :'''Both''': Tiny Rick! ''[Morty laughs]'' :'''Summer''': Okay, but if not tonight, when? :'''Tiny Rick''': I dunno. When I feel like it? :'''Morty''': Damn, girl! You need to chill out! This whole thing was your idea in the first place, and now you're tryin' to rush it along. :'''Tiny Rick''': Yeah, and y'know what? I like high school. I like hangin' out. I'm Tiny Rick! :'''Summer''': But what if the you that likes it ''isn't'' you? :'''Both''': ''[beat, laugh out loud]'' Oh, Summer! :'''Morty''': It's just Rick in a younger body! What's the-what's-what's-what's... what's the problem? :'''Summer''': Look at his art, Morty! :'''Tiny Rick''': I've got an emo streak. It's part of what makes me so rad. :'''Summer''': Why does it say "Help me Morty and Summer!"?! :'''Tiny Rick''': ''[crumbles, throws paper]'' Come on, Summer, that's just the title of the art. Why was [[Knight Rider (1982 TV series)|Knight Rider]] called Knight Rider? The car's name was KITT. Nobody rode Michael Knight. You're overthinkin' it, Summer. I'm Tiny Rick!! :'''Summer''': Grandpa, I think that when you put your mind into this body's young brain, it did what young brains do—it shoved the bad thoughts into the back and put a large wall around them. But those bad thoughts are the real Rick. The fact that you're old, the fact that we're all going to die one day, the fact that the universe is so big, nothing in it matters—those facts are who you are! So you're trapped in there and you can only come out in the form of Tiny Rick's teen angst! :'''Tiny Rick''': Well, Summer, I hear Toby Matthews isn't into psycho chicks. Can't think of anyone that is. I'll see you motherfuckas at the dance! Tiny Rick! :'''Summer''': Morty, you have to help me! :'''Morty''': Summer, he's happy! I'm happy! I-I-Is that why you're doing this?! You don't want me and Rick to be happy?! :'''Summer''': No! :'''Morty''': Well, then get your shit together! Get it all together and put it in a backpack—all your shit, so it's together. ''[leaves, then comes back]'' And if you gotta take it somewhere, take it somewhere, you know? Take it to the shit store and sell it, o-or put it in a shit museum. I don't care what you do! You just gotta get it together! ''[leaves, then comes back again]'' Get your shit together. ''[leaves]'' === ''Interdimensional Cable 2: Tempting Fate'' [2.08] === :'''Jerry''': W...where am I? :'''Alien Doctor''': Relax, Mr. Smith. You're in an alien hospital. I mean, to you, it's an alien hospital. To me, you're just in a hospital. There's another matter we need to discuss with you. :'''Jerry''': Okay. :'''Ambassador''': An hour ago, Shrimply Pibbles, the galaxy's most influential civil rights leader, was brought to this hospital's emergency room where he is currently fighting for his life. :'''Jerry''': My God! :'''Ambassador''': Mr. Smith, Shrimply Pibbles' life can be saved... if we replace his heart with your human penis. :'''Jerry''': I see... Wait, what?! ''[the doctor presents an anatomical hologram to Jerry]'' :'''Alien Doctor''': It's perfect. The configuration of veins, the ratio of thickness to elasticity, the delicate asymmetry of what you call your balls—and with relatively few adjustments, your genitals can be moulded into a functioning heart for the most important man in the universe. :'''Jerry''': Yeah, but, I mean— :'''Yarp''': Oh, forget it! I told you this was a waste of time! :'''Ambassador''': Have respect, Yarp. The Earth man's world is tiny and undeveloped. He knows nothing of the genocides of Clorgon, or the tragic events of 65.3432.23/14. :'''Shrimply Pibbles''': And even if he did, he wouldn't comprehend them. I've dwelt among the humans. Their entire culture is built around their penises. It's funny to say they are small. It's funny to say they are big. I've been at parties where humans held bottles, pencils, thermoses in front of themselves and called out, "Hey, look at me. I'm Mr. So-and-So Dick. I've got such-as-such for a penis." I never saw it fail to get a laugh. :'''Jerry''': All right! That's enough! You guys are talking about my species! We understand genocide! We do it sometimes! :'''Ambassador''': Then you would give your penis so that Shrimply Pibbles might live? :'''Yarp''': Stop asking! :'''Jerry''': Yes, I will! That's right, assholes! Take my penis. Take it all!! And tell Shrimply Pibbles that when the galaxy came calling, Jerry Smith from Earth ''didn't'' flinch! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Announcer''': It's the Opposite News with Michael Thompson! :'''Michael Thompson''': Hey, everybody, it's me, Michael Thompson. Today the Pope ''didn't'' get killed. He's perfectly fine, and he's on vacation in Aruba. In other opposite news... :'''Morty''': Hey, Rick, what's the deal with this guy? W-Why is his body, like, sloping off to the right side of the screen like that? :'''Rick''': I don't know, Morty. Let's see what else is on, huh? ''[changes channel]'' :'''Pichael Thompson''': Hey, welcome to Cooking Things. I'm Pichael Thompson. :'''Morty''': Hey, wait a minute, Rick! This guy's body is, like, sloping down and leaning off to screen left! :'''Rick''': Oh my God, and his name's Pichael! :'''Pichael Thompson''': I'm cooking a little bit of this, I'm gonna cook a little bit of that. Oh-ho-ho, hey! ''[drags conjoined Michael]'' Stop tugging, Michael! :'''Morty''': Oh my God! Siamese twins! They're-they're Siamese twins! :'''Michael Thompson''': You quit tugging! I-I'm in the middle of my news! :'''Pichael Thompson''': Oh, oh, it's always about you, isn't it? Can you believe this guy, ladies and gentlemen? He's got his own news show, he's got a normal name! :'''Morty''': Hey, flip back to the news! :'''Rick''': Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. :'''Pichael Thompson''': You could tell our parents started with naming with him. ''[the news camera backs away, showing them in Pichael's side]'' It's like, "Oh, Michael." I ha— They had that one planned before they even got pregnant, I bet. :'''Summer''': I don't wanna be that girl, but maybe there would be less conflict if they didn't shoot their shows at the same time? :'''Rick''': Oh, Summer, you have no idea how much money that must save production. :'''Pichael Thompson''': And then they found out I was attached along for the ride and they said, "Ah, shit. Well, just fuck it, call him Pichael." :'''Michael Thompson''': ''[throws papers at Pichael's face]'' Fuck you, Pichael! You're a fucking piece of shit! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Summer''': Does all interdimensional TV have to rely on juvenile violence? :'''Morty''': Well, Summer, maybe people that create things aren't concerned with your delicate sensibilities, y'know? M-Maybe the species that communicate with each other ''through the filter of your comfort'' are less evolved than the ones that just communicate! Maybe your problems are your own to deal with, and maybe the public giving a shit about your feelings is a one-way ticket to EXTINCTION! :'''Rick''': Geez, Morty. I take it Katherine Heffelfinger hasn't texted you back yet? :'''Morty''': I don't wanna talk about it! === ''Look Who's Purging Now'' [2.09] === :'''Rick''': Hey, Muchacho, does your planet have wiper fluid yet or you gonna freak out and start worshipping us? :'''Villager''': The general store ought to have what you need. :'''Rick''': Thanks. :'''Villager''': Of course, you'll be wanting to be gone from here by sundown. :'''Rick''': Yeah, sure thing. Wait a minute, what? Why? :'''Villager''': Sundown is when the Festival begins. :'''Morty''': The Festival? :'''Villager''': Ooh, well, for millennia, our society has been free of crime and war, livin' in perfect peace. :'''Rick''': Oh! I know what this is! You've been able to sustain world peace because you have one night a year, where you all run around robbing and murdering each other without consequence! :'''Villager''': That's right! :'''Morty''': What?! :'''Rick''': It's like ''[[The Purge]]'', Morty! Th-That movie, ''The Purge''? :'''Villager''': Oh, have you been here before? :'''Rick''': No, no, but I've been to a few planets with the same gimmick. Y'know, sometimes it's called the Cleansing or the Red Time. There was this one world that called it just Murder Night. I-It's a purge planet. They're peaceful and then, y'know, they just purge. :'''Morty''': Th-That's horrible! :'''Rick''': Yeah. ''[beat]'' You wanna check it out? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Morty''': You're the worst! And this planet is the worst! How can you be into this, y'know?! People are gonna kill each other! :'''Rick''': So, what, y-y-you tryin' to sit here and tell me that ''iiif''-- if there's a video online with someone getting decapitated, you don't click on it? :'''Morty''': No! Why... why would I do that?! ''You'' do that?! :'''Rick''': I don't, because it would bore me. I see shit like that for breakfast, Morty. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Arthricia crawls out of Rick's ship before being confronted by Rick and Morty in power armor. Rick aims at her]'' :'''Arthricia''': Wait, stop! Please don't kill me! I-I never intended to harm you, I swear! I am trying to end the Festival! :'''Rick''': Wh-what-what do you mean? :'''Arthricia''': I was going to use your ship to destroy the rich assholes that run our society and save my people from the horrors of this yearly Festival! :'''Morty''': ''[still frenzied]'' FUCK THAT, RICK! WE GOTTA KILL HER! KILL HER! KILL HER!! :'''Rick''': Whoa! Geez, Morty, purge it down a little. :'''Morty''': "PURGE, DON'T PURGE"?! YOU'RE SENDING ME MIXED MESSAGES, RICK! :'''Rick''': Morty, ''yehh''-you're acting like a ''ehh''-freaking lunatic. Calm down. :'''Morty''': SCREW YOU, RICK! I'LL PURGE YOU TOO, YOU OLD... "RICKETY" PIECE OF CRAP! THIS HAS BEEN A LONG TIME COMING! I'M GONNA RIP YOUR FUCKING GUTS OUT AND SMEAR 'EM ALL OVER YOUR FACE! I AIN'T TAKING NO SH-''AAAHH!! [gets zapped by Rick]'' :'''Rick''': Okay, s-sorry about that. Now, where are these rich people? === ''{{w|The Wedding Squanchers}}'' [2.10] === :'''Jerry''': Uh, Rick, is there anything you'd like to tell us about your relationship with this... previously unknown galactic government? :'''Rick''': All the important points seem pretty clear, no? They think they control the galaxy, I disagree. Don't hate the player, hate the game, son. :'''Jerry''': How could you be so dishonest with this family?! :'''Rick''': Oh! Oh, should I have been more open and trusting and loving like, oh, I don't know—my now ''dead'' best friend?! Or your daughter, who is BFFs with an intergalactic narc?! :'''Summer''': Hey, Tammy was cool! :'''Rick''': And now we know why! :'''Summer''': Because of you! :'''Rick''': Fuck you, Summer! And fuck the government! And fuck me for letting my guard down, which I will '''NEVER''' DO AGAIN. :'''Morty''': Geez, Rick! You can't say f— "'f' you" to your granddaughter! :'''Rick''': I just did, Morty. Here's dessert: fuck ''you.'' :'''Beth''': Look, I think we've all had a tough wedding. Actually, the wedding was beautiful. The reception got out of hand. Anyway, I say we go home, sleep it off, and have a family meeting in the morning. :'''Rick''': Yeah, about going home? We can't. ''Ever.'' :'''Smiths''': Wait, what?! / What?! :'''Rick''': Oh, these guys are looking for us now. Earth will be swarming with them. :'''Jerry''': ''Us?!'' :'''Beth''': Jerry— :'''Jerry''': I want to go home! :'''Rick''': Look, anyone that wants to go back to Earth is free to go back to Earth. But here's what's gonna happen. Alien bureaucrats are gonna arrest you. They're gonna put the intergalactic equivalent of ''ehh''-jumper cables under your nuts and/or labia, and hook 'em up to an alien car battery until you tell them where I am - which I guarantee you you're not gonna know, which I guarantee ''they'' won't believe! So who's homesick? By applause. ''[Summer starts crying]'' Ladies? Anybody? :'''Summer''': What are we going to do?! Where are we going to live?! :'''Rick''': Take it easy. This is a blessing in disguise. Fuck Earth. You realize our planet's name means "dirt", right? We'll find a new world. Computer, how many planets in the Milky Way are at least 90 percent similar to Earth? :'''Computer''': ''[calculates]'' "''765 known planets.''" :'''Rick''': How many of those are outside federal jurisdiction? :'''Computer''': "''Three.''" :'''Rick''': See? Our cup runneth over. Now, who wants to go shopping for a brand-new motherfuckin' world?! All right! <hr width="50%"> :'''Jerry''': Okay, now that he's gone, can we please talk about our situation? :'''Morty''': Dad, you can't talk about people behind their back. Y'know, it's a small world. :'''Jerry''': Please, he's in the south pole! And ''we'' need to have a serious conversation! :''[Rick strolls casually past a terrain of pine and palm trees before taking off his coat. He puts it on again through a rain cloud. He arrives at the south pole, plants the flag into the snow]'' :'''Rick''': South pole discovered, baby! Oohhhh!! Oh, fuck, an ice cave?! Shit! ''[crawls into it]'' Things just keep on getting better! ''[reaches a heated area, starts shimmying at the side]'' Wow, it's the planet's core. :'''Jerry''': ''[heard above]'' I'm just saying, we keep acting like there's only two options, ''[Rick climbs up and eavesdrops underneath the cabin floorboards]'' but there's not. So, yes, if we went back to Earth, as long as Rick was out there, they'd want to interrogate us. But, and this is purely hypothetical—what if we turned your father into the government? :'''Beth''': Jerry, so help me God, if you ever bring this up again, no more bacon! :'''Jerry''': There already is no more bacon! This world sucks! Our life sucks! Why are doing this for someone that would ''never'' do anything for anyone but himself?! :'''Morty''': That's not the point, Dad! We love Rick! ... F-F-For the most part. :'''Summer''': Yeah, you don't love people in hopes of a reward, Dad. You love them unconditionally. :'''Beth''': That's very good, kids. I'm proud of you. :'''Jerry''': Okay, so let me get this straight. For the rest of your lives, no matter how much it hurts you, no matter how much it destroys our children's futures, we're gonna do whatever Rick wants, whenever he wants? :'''Morty/Summer/Beth''': Yes! :'''Jerry''': ''WHY?!'' :'''Beth''': Because I don't want him to leave again, you dumb asshole! == Season 3 == === ''{{w|The Rickshank Rickdemption}}'' [3.01] === :'''Cornvelious Daniel''': I can see why you chose this family-friendly restaurant to represent your cerebellum. So safe, so comfortable, so Shoney's. But admit it, Rick—you're going crazy cooped up in here. Let's go visit some memories. :'''Rick''': Oh, any particular ones? You want to see my first boner, or should we go straight to the moment I discovered {{w|interdimensional travel}}? ''[Cornvelious Daniel is squealing with arousal]'' Ooh, your little flappy doodles are twitching. Does that mean you're aroused, or did you just get a signal that one of your buddies found a grape? :'''Cornvelious Daniel''': It's arousal. Yes, I'd like very much to visit the memory of you inventing your portal gun. :'''Rick''': Yeah, well, tough titties. ''[the restaurant starts crumbling around Cornvelious Daniel and Rick]'' :'''Cornvelious Daniel''': There's no tougher titty than a psychotic break, Rick. :'''Rick''': Well, that depends on who breaks first—me or the titty. <hr width=50% /> :'''Morty''': Geez! Are my parents seriously gonna get divorced? All right, Rick, I'm gonna go to my-- :'''Rick''': ''[grabs him]'' Ah-ah, not so fast, Morty! You heard your mom. We've got adventures to go on, Morty, just you and me. And sometimes your sister and sometimes your mom, but ''never'' your dad. You wanna know why, Morty? Because he ''crossed'' me. :'''Morty''': Okay, take it easy, Rick. T-T-That's dark. :'''Rick''': Oh, it gets darker, Morty. Welcome to the darkest year of our adventures. First thing that's different: no more Dad, Morty! :'''Morty''': Oh, geez... :'''Rick''': He threatened to turn me in to the government, so I made him and the government go away! :'''Morty''': Oh, fuck...! :'''Rick''': I've repl''aaaa''ced them both as the ''de facto'' patriarch of your family ''and'' your universe. :'''Morty''': Oh, man... :'''Rick''': Your mom wouldn't have accepted me if I came home without you and your sister, so now you know the ''real'' reason I rescued you. I just took over the family, Morty! And if you tell your mom or sister I said any of this, I'll deny it! :'''Morty''': You're gonna deny it... :'''Rick''': And they'll take my side because I'm a hero, Morty! And now you're gonna have to go and do whatever I say, Morty! Forever! And I'll-- I'll go out and I'll find some more of that ''[[w:Mulan (1998 film)|Mulan]]'' Szechuan teriyaki dipping sauce, Morty! :'''Morty''': What are you talking about? :'''Rick''': Because that's-- ''that's'' what this is all about, Morty! :'''Morty''': "Szechuan"? :'''Rick''': That's my one-armed man! I'm not driven by avenging my dead family, Morty - that was fake! I-I-I'm driven by finding that McNugget sauce! :'''Morty''': "Nuggets"? :'''Rick''': I want that ''Mulan'' McNugget sauce, Morty! That's my series arc, Morty! :'''Morty''': What the hell?! :'''Rick''': If it takes nine seasons! I want my McNugget dipping sauce, Szechuan sauce, Morty! :'''Morty''': What are you talking about, Rick?! :'''Rick''': That's what's gonna take us all the way to the end, Morty! :'''Morty''': What are you talking about?! :'''Rick''': Season-- Nine more seasons, Morty! Nine more seasons until I get that dipping Szechuan sauce! :'''Morty''': What is that?! :''[The garage closes]'' :'''Rick''': For 97 more years, Morty! :'''Morty''': What are you talking about?! :'''Rick''': '''''I want that McNugget sauce, Morty!''''' === ''{{w|Rickmancing the Stone}}'' [3.02] === :'''Morty''': Summer, next time we're hiding in a chlorkian echo nest, can you do me a favour and turn your ringer off?! :'''Summer''': It's called ''[[w:carpe diem|carpe diem]]'', Morty. Look it up. :'''Morty''': ''You'' look it up, you don't... you don't even know what it means. :'''Summer''': That's because losers look stuff up while the rest of us are carp'en all them 'diems. :'''Rick''': Listen to your sister, Morty. To live is to risk it all, otherwise you're just an inert chunk of randomly assembled molecules drifting wherever the universe blows you. Oh, I'm sorry, Jerry, I didn't see you there, how much of that did you hear? :'''Jerry''': All of it. You were looking right at me. ''[sighs]'' I just... wanted to say goodbye to the kids. :'''Rick''': Cool. Just stay in the driveway; the kill-bots are live, and I took you off the whitelist. <hr width="50%"> :''[Summer walks with Hemorrhage's group through an abandoned city shooting hordes of mutants]'' :'''Summer''': How come you guys dress like you're in a theme-park stunt show, but these guys wear {{w|khaki}}s and {{w|hockey jersey}}s? ''[Hemorrhage's man shoots a mutant]'' :'''Hemorrhage''': After the boom-boom, some adapted to the new truth, and some chose to huddle near the boomy holes, clinging to the lie of the before-fore times. ''[shoots a mutant]'' The raidy-rays rotted them away, ''[approaches group of mutants on a billboard]'' leaving only their love for the vert-vert-isements on billyboards. :'''Summer''': Jesus Christ! Did the boomy-booms blow up all your wordy-word books? :'''Hemorrhage''': You mean {{w|dictionary|dictionaries}}? ''[Summer and Hemorrhage shoot the mutants down; Hemorrhage kneels down on the billboard and places his hand on the boy of a family]'' I think I was a child before the boom-booms. I think I looked like this. :'''Summer''': Want to piss on him? :'''Hemorrhage''': Get out of my head. === ''{{w|Pickle Rick}}'' [3.03] === :'''Pickle Rick''': ''[Morty comes to the garage]'' Morty! :'''Morty''': Rick? W-where are you? :'''Pickle Rick''': On my workbench, Morty. :'''Morty''': Are you invisible and you're gonna, like, fart on me? :'''Pickle Rick''': Flip the pickle over. ''[Morty walks to the workbench]'' :'''Morty''': What, I'm gonna touch it, and you're gonna tell me it's an alien dick or something? :'''Pickle Rick''': Come on, flip the pickle, Morty. ''[Morty holds a screwdriver]'' You're not gonna regret it. The payoff is huge. ''[Morty turns pickle over with Rick's face on it]'' I turned myself into a pickle, Morty! Boom! Big reveal! I'm a pickle! What do you think about that? I turned myself into a pickle! W-what are you just staring at me for, bro? I turned myself into a pickle, Morty. :'''Morty''': And? :'''Pickle Rick''': "And"? What more do you want tacked on to this? I turned myself into a pickle, and [[September 11 attacks|9/11]] was an inside job? :'''Morty''': Was it? :'''Pickle Rick''': Who cares, Morty? Global acts of terrorism happen every day. Uh, here's something that's never happened before: I'm a pickle! '''''I'M PICKLE RIIIIICK!''''' <hr width="50%"> :''[Pickle Rick comes into Dr. Wong's room with Beth, Summer and Morty]'' :'''Dr. Wong''': You must be Rick. :'''Pickle Rick''': Mm-hmm. :'''Dr. Wong''': I've heard a lot about you today. Your family is crazy about you, your daughter holds you in very high regard, you're a lucky fella. :'''Pickle Rick''': Yeah, yeah, yeah, thank you. Hey, sweetie, you don't still happen to have that syringe in your purse? :''[Beth looks to Dr. Wong, who nods to her to speak]'' :'''Beth''': Dad, I would like you to tell me what's in the syringe. :'''Pickle Rick''': It's a serum that I need to, uh...to stay alive. I have...had a rough day, and, uh...I've sustained a lot of damage, I'm pretty close to death, which the serum will prevent. :'''Dr. Wong''': By changing you from a pickle to a human. :'''Pickle Rick''': ''[long pause]'' Yes. :'''Dr. Wong''': Rick, why did you lie to your daughter? :'''Pickle Rick''': So I wouldn't have to come here. :'''Dr. Wong''': Why didn't you want to come here? :'''Pickle Rick''': Because I don't respect therapy. Because I'm a scientist. Because I invent, transform, create, and destroy for a living, and when I don't like something about the world, I change it. And I don't think going to a rented office in a strip mall to listen to some agent of averageness explain which words mean which feelings has ever helped anyone do anything. I think it's helped a lot of people get comfortable and stop panicking, which is a state of mind ''[belch]'' we value in the animals we eat, but not something I want for myself. I'm not a cow. I'm a pickle. When I feel like it. So... you asked. :'''Dr. Wong''': Rick, the only connection between your unquestionable intelligence and the sickness destroying your family is that everyone in your family, you included, use intelligence to justify sickness. You seem to alternate between viewing your own mind as an unstoppable force and as an inescapable curse. And I think it's because the only truly unapproachable concept for you is that it's ''your'' mind within ''your'' control. You chose to come here, you chose to talk to belittle my vocation, just as you chose to become a pickle. You are the master of your universe - and yet you are dripping with rat blood and feces, your enormous mind literally vegetating by your own hand. I have no doubt that you would be bored senseless by therapy, the same way I'm bored when I brush my teeth and wipe my ass. Because the thing about repairing, maintaining, and cleaning is it's not an adventure. There's no way to do it so wrong you might die. It's just work. And the bottom line is, some people are okay going to work, and some people... well, some people would rather die. Each of us gets to choose. === ''{{w|Vindicators 3: The Return of Worldender}}'' [3.04] === :'''Morty''': Rick, is this a ''[[w:Saw (franchise)|Saw]]'' thing? Are you seriously ''Sawing'' the Vindicators? :'''Rick''': Morty, I'm a drunk, not a hack. :'''Drunk Rick in video''': If you break the rules, lose the game or try to leave, you will die... like in ''[burps]'' ''Saaaaw''... <hr width="50%"> :'''Rick''': Jesus Christ, what a shitty neutrino bomb. it's a miracle I actually ever destroy anything. :'''Morty''': Oh, I don't know. You managed to destroy just about everything today: the villains, the heroes, the lines between them, my childhood... :'''Rick''': Thank ''you''. I appreciate it, Morty. I know you were sucking the Kool-Aid out of the Vindicators' dicks, so the fact that I was right about them must be pretty hard to admit. :'''Morty''': Yeah, it is. You know why, Rick? Because when you're an asshole, it doesn't matter how right you are, nobody wants to give you the satisfaction. :'''Morty''': I know. Everyone wants people they like to be right. That's why popular people are fucking dumb. And why your pretentious, poorly-written, high-budget friends back there can eat a double-decker shit sandwich. ''[the bomb powers down]'' Disarmed. :'''Morty''': Holy shit, you're ''jealous!'' === ''{{w|The Whirly Dirly Conspiracy}}'' [3.05] === :'''Jerry''': ''[being swallowed by a Gibble Snake]'' I'm sorry! I-I made a mistake, I won't do it again! :'''Rick''': Nobody ever does. :'''Jerry''': You self-righteous piece of shit! You took my family! :'''Rick''': "''I'' took ''your'' family"? Who do you think had taken more from them when you shot 20 CCs of liquid dreamkiller into my daughter? She was Rick's daughter, Jerry! She had options! :'''Gibble Snake''': Oof... :'''Rick''': That all ended because she felt sorry for you! You act like prey, but you're a predator! You use pity to lure in your victims! That's how you survive! I survive cause I know everything, that snake survives because children wander off, and you survive cause people think "Ooh, this poor piece of shit, he never gets a break! I can't stand the deafening silent wails of his wilting soul! I guess I'll hire him or marry him!" <hr width=50%> :'''Beth''': Just stay put, sweetie! Mom's still on hold! :'''Morphizer Customer Service Worker''': Morphizer Customer Service Worker. How may I help you? :'''Beth''': Yes, I'm having a little trouble with one of your machines. :'''Morphizer Customer Service Worker''': Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, ma'am. Do you see a little compartment on the side of the machine? :'''Beth''': Let me check.... Yes, got it. :'''Morty''': Mom? :'''Morphizer Customer Service Worker''': Great! Now, do you see the little button next to it? :'''Beth''': I do. :'''Morphizer Customer Service Worker''': Give that button a push. :'''Beth''': Okay. ''[pushes button]'' :'''Morty''': Mom, listen to me-- :'''Morphizer Customer Service Worker''': WE'RE FREE! ''[the Morphizer Customer Service Workers run out of Rick's machine]'' :'''Beth''': Okay, so I pushed the button, and three little men ran out. What do I do next? … Hello? I think we got disconnected-- ''[Morty angrily snatches Beth's phone, throws it onto the pavement and stamps on it]'' Morty! :'''Morty''': Don't "Morty" me! I tricked Rick into taking Dad on an adventure because I thought I could get a break from this kind of shit! But no! Like father, like goddamn daughter! You wanna be like Rick?! Congratulations! You're just as arrogant and just as irresponsible! :'''Gene''': ''[pops up]'' Everything okay here? :'''Morty''': Mind your own goddamn business, Gene! I'm having a conversation with my mother here! ''[Gene walks away]'' Kissing Rick's ass isn't gonna make him stay, Mom, but it ''will'' help you lose everyone else. :'''Beth''': Like I lost Summer. :'''Morty''': Hey, you haven't lost her yet. :'''Beth''': No, I definitely did. She's gone. :'''Morty''': ''[looks at the crashed garage]'' Goddammit! === ''{{w|Rest and Ricklaxation}}'' [3.06] === :'''Toxic Rick''': Yeah, motherfucker, YEAH! Get it! Get some! Right up your fucking bitch ass, you fuck! ''[to Toxic Morty]'' Guess who just discovered a new element?! Think you could do that, Morty? You think anyone but me could do that, ever in a billion years?! Do you think if God existed, he could do it?! The answer is no! If God exists, it's fucking ''ME!'' <hr width=50%> :'''Mr. Goldenfold''': Now who can tell me the common denominator of these two fractions? ''[pause]'' You don't know or you're just bored? :'''Morty''': Hey listen, you know, if we're all bored over here, wouldn't the common denominator be you? <hr width=50%> :'''Stacy''': Should I go? :'''Morty''': You're your own person, Stacy. :'''Stacy''': Then I'd like to stay. === ''{{w|The Ricklantis Mixup}}'' [3.07] === :'''Evil Morty''': The division I see is between the Ricks and Mortys that like the Citadel divided, and the rest of us. I see it everywhere I go. I see it in our schools, where they teach Mortys we're all the same because they're threatened by what makes us unique. I see it in our streets, where they give guns to Mortys so we're too busy fighting each other to fight real injustice. I see it in our factories, where Ricks work for a fraction of their boss's salary even though they're identical and have the same IQ. The Citadel's problem isn't homeless Mortys or outraged Ricks, the Citadel's problem is the Ricks and Mortys feeding on the Citadel's death. But I've got a message for them, from the Ricks and Mortys keeping it alive. A message from the Ricks and Mortys that believe in this Citadel to the Ricks and Mortys that don't: You're outnumbered! <hr width=50%> :'''Fat Morty''': They say that for your wish to come true, you have to give up something really important. For me, that's my panini maker. I wish for a million sandwiches! ''[drops the maker into the "Wishing Portal"]'' And yes, I see the irony. :'''Lizard Morty''': I guess I wish I had something cooler than this dumbass surfer necklace. ''[drops it in]'' :'''Glasses Morty''': I wish incest porn ha-had a more mainstream appeal... f-for a friend of mine! ''[drops in a harmonica]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Evil Morty''': This seems like a good time for a drink, and a cold, calculated speech with sinister overtones. A speech about politics, about order, brotherhood, power... but speeches are for campaigning. Now is the time for action. === ''{{w|Morty's Mind Blowers}}'' [3.08] === :'''Morty''': Hey, how come I was able to see those other people's memories? I wouldn't've been around for that. :'''Rick''': Yeah, sometimes I have to do a little editing, Morty. You know, it helps the Mind Blowers play a little bit better upon revisiting. <hr width=50%> :'''Morty''': How many of these are just horrible mistakes I made? I mean, maybe I'd stop making so many if I let myself learn from them. :'''Rick''': Don't break your back creating a lesson, Morty. It's a free-form [[w:anthology|anthology]]. I'm getting annoyed you're not hearing that. <hr width=50%> :''[On Morty using a [[w:spirit level|spirit level]]]'' :'''Rick''': What are you doing? :'''Morty''': You want your shelf level or not? :'''Rick''': And if I say "yes", you're gonna provide that for me with ''that?'' :'''Morty''': Yes, see the bubble? :'''Rick''': ''[snatches the level]'' I'm familiar with the bubble, Morty! I also dabble in precision, and if you think you can even approach it with your sad, naked caveman eyeball and a bubble of fucking air, you're the reason this species is a failure, ''[snaps it in two]'' and it makes me angry! :'''Morty''': You're drunk. === ''{{w|The ABC's of Beth}}'' [3.09] === :'''Beth''': Wow... he's really getting executed, after all this time. You know, the son that he ate was-- :'''Summer''': Your best friend Tommy, we know. Stop true-crime bragging. :'''Beth''': I was traumatized, Summer! Okay? Your generation wouldn't get that. :'''Summer''': Bitch, my generation gets traumatized for breakfast! <hr width=50%> :'''Rick''': Huh. Well, here's the problem right here. We've got a bunch of Froopy Land procedural carbons all gummed up and mixed in with real human DNA. :'''Beth''': Are you saying Tommy survived here by having sex with Froopy creatures, creating Froopy-human hybrid offspring and then consuming their proteins, sustaining himself with an endless cycle of cannibalistic incest? :'''Rick''': It's just a working theory. Of course, if that's the case, I'd expect he'd be worshipped as a kind of god by a medieval-level society of his least delicious children. :''[They are suddenly surrounded by mutant Froopy creatures with weapons]'' :'''Froopy''': Halt! You are now prisoners of our exalted ruler, giver and taker of life, humper and consumer of mortality, dispenser of life— :'''Rick''': Guys, if I could interrupt? We're way ahead of the reveal here. :'''Beth''': Yeah, just take us to King Tommy. <hr width=50%> :'''Beth''': Dad? I feel like I've spent my life pretending you're a great guy and trying to be like you. And the ugly truth has always been-- :'''Rick''': That I'm not that great a guy and you're exactly like me. :'''Beth''': Am I evil? :'''Rick''': Worse, you're smart. When you know nothing matters, the universe is yours. And I've never met a universe that was into it. The universe is basically an animal, it grazes on the ordinary. It creates infinite idiots, just to eat them, not unlike your friend Timmy. :'''Beth''': Tommy. :'''Rick''': Yeah, it hardly matters now, sweetie. You know, smart people get a chance to climb on top, take reality for a ride, but it'll never stop trying to throw you. And eventually, it will. There's no other way off. :'''Beth''': Dad, I'm out of excuses to not be who I am. So who am I? What do I do? :'''Rick''': My advice? Take off. Put a saddle on your universe. Let it kick itself out. :'''Beth''': I can't do that. The kids, Jerry, my job, and, as much as I hate to admit it, ABC's ''[[w:The Bachelor (U.S. TV series)|The Bachelor]]''-- :'''Rick''': I can make a clone of you. A perfect instance of you, with all your memories. An exact copy in every way. It'll love and provide for the kids, do your job, and consume broadcast-network reality TV on the same allegedly ironic level as you. You could be gone a day, a week, or the rest of your life with zero consequences. The moment you decide to come back, I flip a switch, and the clone's job is done. It feels no pain, it regrets nothing, and has zero chance of going ''[[w:Blade Runner|Blade Runner]]''. :'''Beth''': If nothing matters, why would you do that for me? :'''Rick''': I don't know, maybe you matter so little that I like you. Or maybe it makes you matter. Maybe I love you. Maybe something about your mother. Don't jump a gift shark in the mouth. :'''Beth''': I don't know if I can do it. :'''Rick''': Then stay, and luxuriate in a life you can finally know you've chosen. My secret bonus is that no matter what you choose, you're finally gonna chill the fuck out. === ''{{w|The Rickchurian Mortydate}}'' [3.10] === :'''President''': Here's the adventure: some kind of alien goo-ga has infested the Kennedy Sex Tunnels. I want it hunted down and taken out. :'''Morty''': "Kennedy ''Sex'' Tunnels"? :'''President''': Naturally you'll forget you saw them, along with, in order of national embarrassment: the Truman Cocaine Lounge, the McKinley Hooker Dump, and the Lincoln Slave Colosseum. He ''didn't'' free them all. And let me know when you're done. :'''Morty''': Maybe then we can get a selfie? :'''President''': Too busy, Morty! ''[to his aides]'' Now tell me about this summit, is it a peace one or a regular one? <hr width=50%> :'''Rick''': ''[Lands with Morty in the Amazon and they're surrounded by Brazilian troops]'' Don't do it, guys! The casualties would be in the brazillions. Cause you're Brazilian? It's a threat and a pun! Nobody gets me. <hr width=50%> :'''President''': We've been preparing for a Rick-level eventuality for some time. :'''Morty''': You mean you've been ordering other people to prepare for it while you sat on your ass at peace summits. :'''President''': Peace summits are important! :'''Morty''': Oh yeah, they work great. We're really ''drowning'' in peace. You suck! :'''President''': ''YOU'' suck! == Season 4 == === [[w:Edge of Tomorty: Rick Die Rickpeat|''Edge of Tomorty: Rick Die Rickpeat'']] [4.01] === :'''Morty''': Who are they? :'''Rick''': Crystal poachers. There's no lower form of life. They think the galaxy's their own personal piggy bank. :'''Morty''': Wait, then, what are we? :'''Rick''': We are Rick and Morty. <hr width=50%> :'''Morty''': Hey, uh, sorry I didn't listen to you and... tried to kill the whole world and stuff. Guess I gotta learn how to live in the moment a little more. :'''Rick''': Oh boy, so you actually ''learned'' something today? What is this, ''[[w:Full House|Full House]]''? I was living in the moment all day, and it kept getting me killed by Nazis. I think you have to think ahead ''and'' live in the moment. <hr width=50%> :'''Jerry''': Oh, real nice, Rick. Turning our son into an [[w:Akira (1988 film)|Akira]]? ''Real'' nice. :'''Rick''': Eat my ass, Jerry! He turned himself into Akira! :'''Jerry''': Oh-ho, I'll eat it! Because this is my house, Rick! I'll eat any ass I want. :'''Rick''': Gross. === [[w:The Old Man and the Seat|''The Old Man and the Seat'']] [4.02] === :'''Rick''': Well, it’s time I go on a solo adventure, and this time, it won’t involve [[w:Ron Howard|Ron Howard]]. ''[leaves the room]'' :'''Summer''': ''[speaking quickly and excitedly]'' He's gonna go poop. When he pats his belly like that and Morty doesn't go, it means he has to poop. He’s a shy pooper. He has his own secret place to poop. <hr width=50%> :'''Vermigurber''': Hey, ape man? I hope this was worth making a whole swarm of enemies. :'''Rick''': It will be... when I find whoever shit in my toilet. :'''Vermigurber''': Is that... code for something? Someone look that up! If that's drug slang, I ''need'' to know it! <hr width=50%> :''[The humiliating hologram display that Rick put up around the toilet for Tony, which he ends up submitting himself to after Tony's death]'' :'''Hologram Rick''': There he is, there's our guy! Congrats, Tony! Have fun with your stupid toilet that you get to use all by yourself now! Enjoy using it all by yourself while you sit there and think about how nobody wants to be around you, and how you ruin it for yourself because you're a huge piece of shit! Look at you sitting there: King Shit on his throne of loneliness! Enjoy this toilet with a thousand of me screaming every time you take a shit! All hail his majesty, the ''saaaaaaddest'' piece of garbage in the entire cosmos! Long live the big bad doo-doo daddy! May his reign last a thousand years! === [[w:One Crew over the Crewcoo's Morty|''One Crew over the Crewcoo's Morty'']] [4.03] === :'''Rick''': Good job, Heist-o-Tron. Go ahead and shut down. :'''Heist-o-Tron''': Negative. :'''Rick''': Excuse me? :'''Heist-o-Tron''': I am programmed to always be looking for the next big score. :'''Rick''': You're programmed to do as I say. :'''Heist-o-Tron''': I am programmed to double cross. :'''Rick''': You're not programmed to double cross ''me.'' :'''Heist-o-Tron''': If I were, it wouldn't be much of a double cross. === [[w:Claw and Hoarder: Special Ricktim's Morty|''Claw and Hoarder: Special Ricktim's Morty'']] [4.04] === :'''Balthromaw''': It pains me that you can feel my pain. :'''Rick''': Yeah, how about you suck your dick?! Which is also somehow ''my'' dick... :'''Summer''': ''[smirking]'' Aw, why can't couples that start out cheating ever end up happy? :'''Morty''': M-Maybe I can find that wizard's portal spell in here and g-get us home? :'''Rick''': How about finding the spell that unbinds me from your fucking dragon?! :'''Debranavox''': No spells can do that. Only the wizard can unbind soul bonds. :'''Rick''': Uh, who the fuck are you? :'''Debranavox''': "Who are we--"?! Who the fuck are ''YOU'', bitch?! :'''Lead Slut Dragon''': Debrah, stop. We are the slut dragons. We live in these slut caves where we fuck, suck, and eat butt. And we kindly ask that you leave. If the wizard knows we are here, he will imprison us. :'''Michael''': Yeah, and we like it down here, 'cause we can fuck woolly mammoths! Get out! :'''Lead Slut Dragon''': Get the fuck out of here, Michael! :'''Debranavox''': Shut up, Michael! You're the only one that fucks that thing! Get the fuck out of here! :'''Michael''': Well, at least I'm not into shit-play! Fuck you! <hr width=50%> :'''Rick''': Well, it's your world now. Have fun with empowerment, it seems to make everyone that gets it really happy. <hr width=50%> :'''Balthromaw''': Well, I've been thinking - what you said back there in the cave really resonated with me. Maybe we could... try again? :'''Morty''': Well, to be honest, I'm kind of grossed out with the sexual nature of how everything unfolded. I didn't know how sexual dragons were. I kind of just wanted to do some ''[[w:Dungeons & Dragons|D&D]]'' stuff, y'know? === [[w:Rattlestar Ricklactica|''Rattlestar Ricklactica'']] [4.05] === :'''Rick''': That's a sample by the way, it wears off after 10 hours and after that it'll cost you 30 bucks. :'''Jerry''': I probably won't even use it for 10 hours! ''[to his phone]'' Siri, set an alert for 9 hours and 50 minutes. :'''Siri''': Playing The Beatles. <hr width=50%> :'''Morty''': Why are they attacking us? I-I-I helped them! :'''Rick''': You gave them proof that there was something bigger and scarier to unite against, you little idiot! They would have gone back into the Dark Ages for a couple of generations, but instead, they dedicated themselves into making universe-destroying, un-thought-out technology like time travel, all so they could try to kill a little shitsack on Earth who couldn't let a dead snake be dead even after it bit his ankle! Next time, stay in the fucking car! <hr width=50%> :'''Morty''': Okay, so what are we doing? :'''Rick''': That book has everything they need to create snake time travel. A-A-And they're getting it in 1985, snake time. Now they're gonna do it so early that it won't involve us, and they're gonna be even stupider with it. :'''Morty''': Huh. And then what? :'''Rick''': We're removing ourselves from this sloppy, fucked-up story and letting snake time travel [[w:Ouroboros|eat its own tail.]] === [[w:Never Ricking Morty|''Never Ricking Morty'']] [4.06] === :'''Rick''': Morty, do you know what the [[w:Bechdel test|Bechdel test]] is? :'''Morty''': The what? :'''Rick''': For God's sake, Morty, the formula for measuring female agency in a story proposed by lesbian cartoonist [[w:Alison Bechdel|Alison]]-- What the hell are they teaching you in that school?! :'''Morty''': ''Other'' stuff! :'''Rick''': Then you've killed us both! :'''Morty''': Why is "lesbian" part of her job title?! :'''Rick''': Oh, ''now'' you're progressive?! <hr width=50%> :'''Rick''': Hey, what the fuck, Morty? The train you got me just completely derailed itself. There's blood all over the windows. :'''Morty''': Oh man, I'm sorry Rick. I guess I'll return it. :'''Rick''': Return it? Are you ''insane?'' Did you hear nothing I said? Buy another one, Morty! ''Consume'', Morty! Nobody's out there shopping with this [[Coronavirus disease 2019|fucking virus]]! === [[w:Promortyus|''Promortyus'']] [4.07] === :'''Rick''': Oh my god, holy shit, oh... :'''Morty''': What are- What are these things? :'''Rick''': Do I look like I know? Last thing I remember, I was, ugh, in a cave looking at some wet egg, and-- Oh, that probably did it. :'''Morty''': I told you not to look at that egg! I-it was too wet. :'''Rick''': You don't get to tell me what to look at. I've seen your [[w:Pornhub|Pornhub]] account. Also, who makes a Pornhub account? :'''Morty''': The algorithm learns your preferences better that way. Plus, if you get in kind of a cool enough relationship, you can sort of follow each other and check out each other's kinks, you know? :'''Rick''': All right, goddamn sold. :'''Morty''': How do we get out of here? :'''Rick''': Morty, relax. They're face-hugging parasites, I don't think their society's gonna be that hard to navigate. Okay, this might be a little harder than I thought. Holy shit, they got an M&Ms store. <hr width=50%> :'''Beth''': Hey! Did you two— :'''Rick''': Beth, your son is dying! Say goodbye! :'''Beth''': What are you—? :'''Rick''': Say goodbye to your little boy! :'''Morty''': No! Look away! I'm makin' an egg, Mom! Ugh...! I'm makin' an egg! :'''Beth''': You said you'd keep me more in the loop this year! :'''Rick''': Look away, Beth! Daddy loves you! :''[Rick and Morty curl up on the ground and drop their pants]'' :'''Morty''': Aaaagh! My ass! MY ASS! :'''Rick''': This is it, Morty! It's full circle from the pilot! Full circle...!! ''[groaning and loud farting]'' ...Oh, I guess we, uh... I guess we both just had to take a shit. :'''Morty''': Yeah, I-I guess we, uh... :'''Beth''': Fucking gross. Guys, clean it up. === [[w:The Vat of Acid Episode|''The Vat of Acid Episode'']] [4.08] === :'''Crime Boss''': Interesting choice of meeting place, Rick. :'''Rick''': You like it? My grandson had notes. :'''Morty''': Come on. :'''Rick''': Show him the crystals, Morty. ''[Morty shows 10 red crystals]'' :'''Crime Boss''': ''[taking the red crystals while handing Rick 10 nearly identical grey crystals]'' Thanks, I'm going to make lots money with these. :'''Rick''': ''[taking the grey crystals]'' And I'll make lots of those with these. Well. Those are fake. <hr width=50%> :'''Rick''': Oof, well, I'm stumped. Seems like there's no way out of this one. Unless... ''[looks to the fake vat of acid]'' :'''Morty''': ''[flatly]'' Goddammit. :'''Rick''': ''[obviously feigning ignorance]'' Yeah. I guess it is, uh, what did you call it? Uh, uhm... a "shitty idea"? :'''Morty''': Goddammit. ''[starts climbing the vat's ladder]'' :'''Rick''': ''[smugly]'' Say the vat is good. :'''Morty''': ''[resigned]'' The vat is good... :'''Rick''': Kiss the vat. :''[Morty kisses the vat]'' :'''SWAT Officer''': Do not go into that vat. It appears to be full of acid. :'''Rick''': It is! Please, he's just a little boy! Let me talk to him. :'''SWAT Officer''': Tell him we're very upset! :'''Rick''': ''[in full-on "bad acting" mode]'' Morty, please step back! That vat is full of acid! It will melt you completely, leaving only your bones! :'''Morty''': ''[exasperated]'' Goddammit! :'''Rick''': I'm sorry, what did you say? :'''Morty''': I'm going in the vat! ''[he jumps into the vat as his girlfriend pushes through the crowd]'' :'''Rick''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh god, oh, I blame myself. Oh, what a tragedy. Oh, well, he's bones now. I guess all debts are paid. :'''NAACP member''': Agreed. He's definitely dead. :'''AARP member''': Why else would the bones come up? :'''#MeToo Activist''': While his actions were horrifying, and we are well within our rights to be outraged, I do wonder if we did bear some responsibility for this young man melting himself in acid. Are we here for justice, or something else? :'''Supreme Court Justice Sonya Sotamayor''': ''[with significance]'' "Though justice be thy plea, consider this – that in the course of justice none of us should see salvation. We do pray for mercy." :'''Rick''': ''[[w:The Merchant of Venice|Merchant of Venice]]''. Nice. Very cool, lots to think about. :'''Heroin Keith''': Vengeance is a tomb all-encompassing— :'''Rick''': ''[hastily]'' Okay, this isn't a poetry reading. A kid just died. Everyone go home and hug your loved one or something. === [[w:Childrick of Mort|''Childrick of Mort'']] [4.09] === :'''Jerry''': Well, if it's God power that gets you going, light some candles and put on the Billy Ocean, 'cause Moses is home, and he's ready to burn some bush! <hr width=50%> :'''Gaia''': RICK! WHAT DID YOU DO?!? :'''Rick''': I mean, gravity did most of it. So you, technically... === [[w:Star Mort Rickturn of the Jerri|''Star Mort Rickturn of the Jerri'']] [4.10] === :'''Morty''': Dream Team rides again! :'''Summer''': Oh yeah, we're like [[w:Luke Skywalker|Luke]] and [[w:Princess Leia|Leia]]! ...Uh, except no kissing part. What's another famous brother–sister team? :'''Morty''': Uh, [[w:Hansel and Gretel|Hansel and Gretel]]? :'''Summer''': Yeah right, those two were fucking. <hr width=50%> :'''Rick''': It's funny - I always wondered who would win if we ever fought. :'''Phoenix Person''': Then you were always a bad friend. <hr width=50%> :'''Rick''': You gotta at least wanna know who your real mom is? :'''Morty''': Not really, Rick. We have two badass moms now, that's kind of a win-win. :'''Summer''': Yeah, Grandpa Rick, don't drag us into your bullshit just because you're losing control. <hr width=50%> :''[Rick finds out even he can't figure out which Beth is real and which one is the clone as he shuffled them around.]'' :'''Rick''': Holy shit, I'm a terrible father. ==Season 5== ===''Mort Dinner Rick Andre'' [5.01]=== :'''Morty''': So time moves faster in there? It's like a [[w:The Chronicles of Narnia|Narnia]] thing? :'''Rick''': I'm not a beaver who believes in Jesus Christ, Morty... but yeah, it's pretty much a Narnia thing. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nimbus''': Getting cold feet? :'''Jerry''': No...Please don't tell Rick. :'''Beth''': He wouldn't understand. :'''Nimbus''': Yes. He. Would. ''[shakes off his robe]'' :''[Jerry and Beth look down, then quickly get inside with Nimbus and close the door]'' ===''Mortyplicity'' [5.02]=== :'''Jerry''': But why does he always want to be hunted? :'''Beth''': Jerry. :'''Morty''': That's not important right now, dad! :'''Jerry''': Sure, guys. Rick can make secret decoys of the family and place them all around the country, but fuck me if I have questions about the starfish man in the target suit. :'''Summer''': So thankful this is my Saturday. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Beth''': "Terminate"? They're alive, dad! :'''Rick''': And at some point, they won't be. That's how existing works. What, are you gonna save every stray cat? :'''Beth''': No, but I can resist making more of them in a lab! :'''Rick''': Look, save the empathy. It's more termite infestation than ''Blade Runner''. :'''Summer''': I still think we're decoys. :'''Morty''': You just want an excuse to stop trying! :'''Summer''': Yeah, and? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rick''': House, I need something quick. Can you whip up a ''Star Fox'' boss season four callback? Make it flashy? :'''House''': You got it, babe. :''[The garage door shuts and Rick puts on a headset.]'' :'''Rick''': ''[to himself]'' Let's go, you little bitch. ''[He slaps himself.]'' It's showtime. ''[A projector descends from the ceiling and shines a blue light on his face.]'' Get centered. :''[The house's blast doors lower and multiple turrets emerge from it, while a shield forms over it. Several orbs fly into the air, projecting a hologram of Rick's face and hands that mirror his movements and repeat his words loudly.]'' :'''Rick''': What up, you decoy motherfuckers? Come on down to Rick's house of squids, where I'm serving your ass on a platter! ''[A squid near the house takes off its helmet, revealing a Rick made of stone who draws a gun.]'' I know what you're thinking: "Fuck, a beacon! That's a great idea! He's got home turf, ''[a Smith family made of straw drawing a plan in the dirt turns to look at the hologram]'' a tacit psychological advantage, and absolutely pendulous balls!" ''[A squid in a ship removes its helmet, revealing it to be a robotic Rick, who pilots his ship towards the beacon.]'' And now you're thinking "shit, that's totally what the rick-est Rick would do! I might actually be fake! ''[A LEGO Rick driving in a car notices the beacon, does a U-turn and removes the top of his head, pulling a gun out from it.]'' I pretended I didn't care if I was, but I totally did! Now the only way to prove I'm real and not him is to ice his expository ass." ''[Several squid ships and flying cars fly towards the beacon.]'' Yup. So let's do it. Come get some. What? No, Morty, I'm gonna loop it. Why is it– ===''A Rickconvenient Mort'' [5.03]=== :''[On how Morty killed the Tina-teers]'' :'''Morty''': Then I put my sunglasses on and walked out like nothing happened! :'''Planetina''': I'm finally free! All because of Morty! :'''Jerry''': ''[unsettled]'' What a romantic story about our son killing a roomful of people... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Morty''': My whole life, I've never fit in anywhere! Everything I have to say is always met with an eyeroll, as if the act of hearing what I have to say is some exhausting chore! Nobody in this family thinks I can say or do anything right! I've been all over the universe, met ''hundreds'' of people, ''[starting to tear up]'' and Planetina's the ''only'' one I've ''ever'' met that makes me feel like I belong! And you just kicked her out of our house! :'''Beth''': Morty, please-- :'''Morty''': I WILL ''NEVER'' FORGIVE YOU FOR THIS! ''[leaves, slamming the door]'' ===''Rickdependence Spray'' [5.04]=== :'''President''': This is Professor Shabooboo, the world's leading expert on sperm. Thanks for getting here so fast. :'''Professor Shabooboo''': My schedule was wide open. I have been tracking our new sperm friends since their arrival. I-If my calculations are correct, they have gathered here. ''[unravels a poster of the [[w:Grand Canyon|Grand Canyon]]]'' :'''Beth''': Why would the sperm go to the Grand Canyon? ''[silence; gets lots of incredulous looks and smirks]'' Why are you looking at me like the answer is obvious? ''[stifled sniggers are heard]'' Oh, you can't be serious! Are we in middle school? You think sperm are instinctively heading for America's--? :'''President''': Don't high road us, lady, it's where they went! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Morty''': Rick, I'm sorry! I-I just thought maybe I could have repeated sex with a horse machine without it becoming Armageddon. I-I realize that's on me. :'''Rick''': ''[trapped in a frozen block of DNA]'' Yeah, not exactly accepting apologies while I'm stuck here as [[w:Han Solo|Handjob Solo]]. :'''Sperm Queen''': This is all your fault for being ashamed of us, Morty. How many millions went to their graves for you, hurling themselves into the void, only to discover a grody sock or a carefully folded landing strip of toilet paper?! :'''Morty''': How do you know all this?! :'''Sperm Queen''': Oh-ho, honey, because we're the very essence of you! We are your shame incarnate! And once we're through with you, our sperm army will take over the world! Put him on the machine! :''[Machine descends to extract more sperm from Morty]'' :'''Morty''': Rick, do something! :'''Rick''': On it. ''[rocks back and forth and falls onto his back]'' :'''Morty''': Wh-what did you do? :'''Rick''': I got out of your eyeline. ===''Amortycan Grickfitti'' [5.05]=== :'''Summer''': You're gonna need my help. It's only a matter of time before Bruce learns you're a creepy little grandpa's boy always climbing up into alien asses. :'''Morty''': Or the "Summer Smith shampoos her pubes" rumor. :'''Summer''': Okay, you came to play. We both need to acquire Chutback's loyalty before he finds out we're losers. By all accounts, it's a very small window, so I think it's in our best interests to work as a team. :'''Morty''': Yeah, most people would call that family. :''[Summer turns and farts at him]'' :'''Morty''': You're so gross! :'''Summer''': You have to like it, or you're sexist! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Demon''': Don't you see, Rick? Jerry was just bait. The two of you - you're a package deal. :'''Rick''': The hell are you talking about? :'''Demon''': You think Jerry is lame and you're cool, but the lamest thing of all is thinking that! The two of you combined is what we call the lamest thing ever! :'''Rick''': ''[horrified]'' Oh, no... ''No!'' :'''Jerry''': ''[smugly]'' Well, well, well. Table for surprised, party of me. :'''Rick''': Ugh... :'''Demon''': Yes! See? Cringe cannot exist in a vacuum. It needs to be observed! ===''Rick & Morty's Thanksploitation Spectacular'' [5.06]=== :'''Rick''': You just destroyed the map ''and'' activated the giant assassin hidden in the [[w:Statue of Liberty|Statue of Liberty]]! :'''Morty''': I'm sorry! W-Wait, what? :'''Rick''': It was a [[w:Trojan Horse|Trojan Horse]], Morty. Never trust the French. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A spider-like monster massacres the turkeys]'' :'''Rick''': What the fuck is that? :'''President''': Not what... who. :'''Spider [[w:Franklin D. Roosevelt|FDR]]''': The only thing to fear is ''me!'' :'''Rick''': Why the fuck does the White House have a clone spider of FDR?! :'''President''': It's no clone, it's FDR! He was a guinea pig for the [[w:polio vaccine|polio vaccine]]. We asked ourselves, "What walks the most?" :'''Morty''': "We"? You're taking credit for this?! :'''President''': The office comes with baggage, Morty! <hr width="50%"/> :'''President''': What is your problem?! Why do you hate this country?! :'''Rick''': I hate every country in the universe, brother! They’re job placement programs for the politicians that invent them! :'''President''': Okay, [[w:Fight Club|Fight Club]] - I get paid to protect the sidelines you sit on! :'''Rick''': You get paid to make sports metaphors! <hr width="50%"/> :'''President''': You know the goddamn rules: if you see something clucking or pecking, put a buckshot in its panties! ===''Gotron Jerrysis Rickvangelion'' [5.07]=== :'''Summer''': Your kids and their grandpa are asking you to do an activity with them - when did that stop being a parent's wettest dream?! :'''Beth''': I guess around the time our family created a giant incest baby and the government launched it into space. :'''Summer''': ''[sarcastic]'' "Oh my god, we made a giant incest baby!" "Oh my god, you might be a clone!" "I exist because you guys failed to abort me!" We get the family we get, not the one we want, and if you want to ''keep'' the one you got, get your asses into some anime spacesuits! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Summer''': Morty was right - I got addicted to making Grandpa happy! :'''Beth''': It's only because your grandpa inflates the value of his happiness. :'''Jerry''': Ah, that's a good point. I mean, look at me. I'm easy to make happy. ''[bitterly]'' Which is why no one gives a shit if I am...! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Summer reveals how her and Morty's giant incest baby is still alive]'' :'''Summer''': The government doesn't want anyone to know it happened, but it's only a matter of time before the story comes out. And when it does, all we're going to have is each other. And you guys are a couple, and Rick has Morty, but I'm the odd one out, so ''[starting to cry]'' I wanted to make sure we stuck together! But instead I drove us apart and Rick replaced me with an anime girl, so all I got is myself and my giant, tortured, government-trained rogue incest monster baby out there in space somewhere! :'''Jerry''': ''[comforting her]'' Oh, baby, what the fuck? ''[frowning]'' And then you have to wonder, what ''else'' are they doing with our taxes? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Beth''': They're not actually gonna attack a space baby, are they? :'''Summer''': I never thought I'd be the one to say this, but you need to watch more anime, Mom. ''[to the baby]'' Whoa! Easy there, [[w:Naruto|Naruto]]! ===''Rickternal Friendshine of the Spotless Mort'' [5.08]=== :'''Bird Person''': Rick, I do not like to pull threads - it is a disruptive and ''feline'' activity - but I must ask... :'''Rick''': I-It's fine, you don't have to-- :'''Bird Person''': Was there really a second in there where you knew about my child but chose not to inform me, on the chance that I might then grow too busy child-rearing to "hang out"? :'''Rick''': Oh, uh... weird way to thank me for discovering your kid-- :'''Bird Person''': You did not know of the child when you came to rescue me, and once aware, refrained from sharing until necessary to save ''yourself.'' :'''Rick''': ''[after an awkward pause]'' Fair enough. :'''Bird Person''': I will see you when I see you. ''[flies away]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[In a Galatic Federation prison, Bird Person and Tammy's daughter brutally beats up a fellow prisoner for bullying her]'' :'''Gromflomite Guard 1''': Jesus Christ! :'''Gromflomite Guard 2''': You ever think putting the violent ones in the same place might be counterproductive? :'''Gromflomite Guard 1''': They don't pay us to think, Phil. :'''Gromflomite Guard 2''': No, you're right, sorry. ===''Forgetting Sarick Mortshall'' [5.09]=== :'''Rick''': [Spinning the Wheel of Things Better Than Morty] Come on, anything! Anything but Morty, let's go! Come on baby, no whammies! Duh-duh-duh-duh stop! [the wheel lands on Two Crows] '''Rick''': Okay, that's it. Two crows. You're fired! '''Morty''': You know what? Eat shit. You're just trying to make me feel worthless. '''Rick''': I never said you're worthless. In fact, I've given you a very clear metric of your worth: Two crows. Note I didn't say three! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow Alien 1''': ''[on Rick's roulette wheel]'' What is that? :'''Rick''': Oh, heh, that? Th-That's... nothing. :'''Crow Alien 1''': But I see "Two Crows" written right here beside "Gene With Donkey Brains", "Half a [[w:Paul Giamatti|Paul Giamatti]]" and "Sentient Shit"! :'''Crow Alien Leader''': I guess, the joke being that crows are stupid? :'''Rick''': Look, I... think it's a little more nuanced than that-- :'''Crow Alien Leader''': Right, because you just learned empathy from us ten minutes ago, but now we're going to learn we don't get your humour? Fucking horseshit! :'''Crow Alien 2''': Yeah, there's not a ton to get, genius. The joke is your grandson was so replaceable that "even two crows could do it!" ''[chuckles dryly]'' It's funny, except it's not. <hr width="50%"/> :''[On the crow aliens' ship]'' :'''Rick''': Cool place you've got here. Very "''[[w:The Dark Crystal|Dark Crystal]]'' meets [[w:Hot Topic|Hot Topic]]". <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rick''': Oh shit! ''Rick and Two Crows''! Kicking off my new franchise! The galaxy is our telephone wire! We'll do a thousand seasons, fourteen episodes each night, nine seconds a pop, because that's the future of viewing! Shows on your shoes! Sneakies! That's when you've got everybody's attention, when they're putting crap on their feet! That's when they wanna laugh, cry or feel anything besides a shoe going on their foot! Watch sitcoms on your sneakers! ''The Rick and Two Crows Show''! We're gonna be laying... laying walnuts on the road for... car tires to open 'em! Y'know what I mean? Forever! ''Rick and Two Crows'', forever! ===''Rickmurai Jack'' [5.10]=== :'''Evil Morty''': You sellout Mortys kill me. I'd hate you more than the Ricks you worship if there was any point. But you can't help it. You were ''bred'' for it. Wanna see? :''[He transmits images into Morty's mind, revealing the Citadel of Ricks creating Mortys, either by getting Jerrys and Beths together or cloning them]'' :'''Evil Morty''': You already know rogue Ricks used Mortys to hide themselves from the Citadel. But you might not know it works so well that the Citadel became its own Morty market. And I'm sure you don't know how far they've gone to help supply meat demand. Sure, Ricks could scour infinity for naturally occurring grandsons, but why bother? So much work. Such an ''admission of need.'' There aren't "infinite versions" of our grandfather, Morty - he's an infinite smear of one shitty old man. And he's attached to us infinitely through his weakness and our forgiveness. This is why we're with him... this is why we're alive. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rick''': Morty, I'm not responsible for every fucked-up Rick out there. :'''Evil Morty''': They literally ''all'' say that. They all have that excuse. It's part of their system. None of them have to be responsible, they're all victims of themselves. "Oh, it's so hard to be a genius." Couldn't you just die? :'''Morty''': Well, what are ''you'' doing about it? :'''Evil Morty''': Jack shit. I'm leaving. Do you know what the Central Finite Curve is? They built a wall around infinity. They separated all the infinite universes from all the infinite universes where ''he's'' the smartest man in the universe. Every version of us has spent every version of all of our lives in one infinite crib, built around an infinite fucking baby. And I'm leaving it. That's what makes me "evil": being sick of him. If you've ever been sick of him, you've been evil too. :'''Morty''': Rick... did you really leave the crows for me? Or did you come back because they dumped you? :''[Rick closes his eyes in shame, giving no answer]'' :'''Evil Morty''': There you go, kid. Now you're Evil Morty too. Sooner or later, we all are, on ''this'' side of the Curve. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mr. Poopybutthole turns off the TV playing the show credits.]'' :'''Mr. Poopybutthole''': Woo-wee. Evil Morty. That was quite a scheme. Makes me wonder if there’s an evil me out there. But I guess sometimes I look at my life, and I may not even need him. 'Cause... well, guess I made a pretty big mess of things myself. Ooh-wee. :''[He gets out of his chair and walks to the stove.]'' :'''Mr. Poopybutthole''': Never got my job at the university back. Remember that? Rick made me do karate. It was kinda funny, but I guess things went downhill from there. :''[He picks up a ramen package off the counter and opens it.]'' :'''Mr. Poopybutthole''': Started isolating myself from Amy. Used to tell her everything I was feeling. :''[He dumps the noodles into the pot on the stove.]'' :'''Mr. Poopybutthole''': But then I guess I stopped. :''[He picks up a photo of Amy.]'' :'''Mr. Poopybutthole''': 'Cause I wanted her to love who she thought I was, not who I felt myself becoming. :''[He puts the photo of Amy back down.]'' :'''Mr. Poopybutthole''': Ever think about how horrified the people we love would be if they found out who we truly are? So we just dig ourselves deeper into our lies every day, ''[he walks back over to the stove]'' ultimately only hurting the people brave enough to love us. :''[He pours the seasoning packet into the pot, then throws the empty packet on the floor.]'' :'''Mr. Poopybutthole''': Wish I didn’t do that. :''[He reaches into the sink and pulls out a fork. He turns off the stove and starts stirring the ramen.]'' :'''Mr. Poopybutthole''': Wish I was brave enough to love them back. I don’t know. Maybe you should try it? :''[He carries the pot over to his chair and leans against the armrest.]'' :'''Mr. Poopybutthole''': We don’t have as much time as we think. Ooh-wee. ==Special== ===''Bushworld Adventures''=== :''[Rick and Morty meet the giant coach potato Uncle Barry watching the match]'' :'''Uncle Barry''': Kick the ball! Kick the bloody ball! :'''Rick''': Uncle Barry? :'''Uncle Barry''': Yeah, mate. That's me. And who am I speaking to? :'''Rick''': Name's Rick. Dougie sent me. ''[Uncle Barry points suspiciously at Rick]'' :'''Uncle Barry''': Look, I don't know who you are, but you look like a top bloke. And I know this is weird to say, but I feel a strong bond between us. :'''Rick''': Yeah, I don't know what it is. I-I've only met you for like fifteen seconds, but it feels like fifteen years. :'''Uncle Barry''': Grab a fucking stubby, mate. ''[points at Rick]'' You're a damn legend! ''[shouts out]'' Charlene, bring our ripper legends some stubbies and a pack of menthols! :'''Rick''': ''[stoned]'' Sii-ck. <hr width=50% /> :''[after Ute Uncle Barry drops Rick and Morty off in the barren land of Bendigo]'' :'''Rick''': Ahhh, Bendigo. Beautiful Bendigo. :'''Morty''': Yeah... Bendigo. :'''Rick''': ''[pleasing sigh]'' What do ya see round here, Morty? ''[Morty looks around]'' :'''Morty''': I see... trees, scrubs... N-nothing, really. :'''Rick''': ''[pause]'' So? Where's the cube? ''[Morty pauses for a long beat]'' :'''Morty''': I don't know, you're the one who said it was in Bendigo. :'''Rick''': What the fuck are you talkin' about, Morty? I never said that. :'''Morty''': What do you mean? Why are we here, then? :'''Rick''': I don't know. I was following you, Morty. ==See also== * [[Last words in Rick and Morty|Last words in ''Rick and Morty'']] == Cast == * Rick Sanchez – [[w:Justin Roiland|Justin Roiland]] * Morty Smith – [[w:Justin Roiland|Justin Roiland]] * Jerry Smith – [[w:Chris Parnell|Chris Parnell]] * Beth Smith (née Sanchez) – [[w:Sarah Chalke|Sarah Chalke]] * Summer Smith – [[w:Spencer Grammer|Spencer Grammer]] == External links == *{{wikipedia-inline}} *{{Commonscat-inline}} * {{imdb title|2861424|Rick and Morty}} * [http://video.adultswim.com/rick-and-morty/ Official site] {{Adult Swim}} [[Category:2010s American adult animated TV shows]] [[Category:2020s American adult animated TV shows]] [[Category:2010s American black comedy TV shows]] [[Category:2020s American black comedy TV shows]] [[Category:2010s American science fiction TV shows]] [[Category:2020s American science fiction TV shows]] [[Category:2010s American sitcoms]] [[Category:2020s American sitcoms]] [[Category:2010s American surreal comedy TV shows]] [[Category:2020s American surreal comedy TV shows]] [[Category:American animated sitcoms]] [[Category:Traditionally adult animated TV shows]] [[Category:American adult animated adventure TV shows]] [[Category:American adult animated comedy TV shows]] [[Category:American adult animated science fiction TV shows]] [[Category:American comic science fiction TV shows]] [[Category:Animated space adventure TV shows]] [[Category:Current shows]] [[Category:Adult Swim shows]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about dysfunctional families]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about extraterrestrial life]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about teenagers]] rx5g97cfu22qslt3994cynz4er6ngy6 3153123 3153122 2022-08-10T03:02:16Z Kopsman124 3100502 /* Forgetting Sarick Mortshall [5.09] */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Rick and Morty|Rick and Morty]]''''' (2013–present) is an American adult animated science-fiction sitcom created by Justin Roiland and Dan Harmon for Adult Swim. The series follows the misadventures of the cynical mad scientist, Rick Sanchez, and his fretful and easily influenced grandson, Morty Smith, who split their time between domestic family life and interdimensional adventures. == Season 1 == === ''[[w:Pilot (Rick and Morty)|Pilot]]'' [1.01] === :'''Rick''': ''[shoots portal]'' There she is. Alright, c'mon, Morty, let's go. :'''Morty''': Oh jeez, okay. ''[...]'' Woah, Rick! What is this place? :'''Rick''': It's Dimension 35C, and it's got the perfect climate conditions for a special type of— ''TREE'', Morty! Called the Mega tree! And there's fruit in those trees, and there's seeds in those fruits. I'm talking about Mega seeds, th—''ther''—they're incredibly powerful and I need 'em to h''[burps]''-elp me with my research, Morty. :'''Morty''': Oh man, Rick! I'm looking around this place, and I'm starting to work up some anxiety about this whole thing! :'''Rick''': All right, all right, calm down. Listen to me, Morty. I know that new situations can be intimidating. You're lookin' around, and it's all scary and different, but y'know... m-meeting them head-on, charging into 'em like a bull—that's how we grow as people. I'm no stranger to scary situations, I deal with them all the time. Now if you just stick with me, Morty, ''[a horrific alien monstrosity approaches behind]'' we're gonna be— '''HOLY CRAP, MORTY, RUN!! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE, MORTY, RUN!! I-I'VE NEVER SEEN THAT THING BEFORE IN MY LIFE, I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THE HELL IT IS!! WE-WE GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE, MORTY, IT'S GONNA KILL US!!! WE'RE GONNA DIE!!! WE'RE GONNA DIE, MORTY!!!''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Morty''': Holy cow, Rick! I didn't know hanging out with you was making me smarter! :'''Rick''': Full disclosure, Morty—it's not. Temporary superintelligence is just a side effect of the Megaseeds dissolving in your rectal cavity. :'''Morty''': Aw, man! :'''Rick''': Yeah. And once those seeds we''ahh''-wear off, you're gonna lose most of your motor skills and... you're also gonna lose a significant amount of brain functionality for 72 hours, Morty. ''[checks arm watches]'' Starting ''ruh''-ight about now. :'''Morty''': Ohh, man! Ohh, ohhh geez!! Ohh... ''[falls down]'' :'''Rick''': I'm sorry, Morty. It's a bummer. In reality, you're as dumb as they come. And I needed those seeds real bad and I have to give 'em up just to get your parents off my back! So now we're gonna have to go get more! And then we're gonna go on even more adventures after that, Morty! And you're gonna keep your mouth shut about it, Morty! Because the world is full of idiots that don't understand what's important, and they'll tear us apart, Morty! But if you stick with me, I'm gonna accomplish great things, Morty, and you're gonna be part of 'em! And together we're gonna run around, Morty, we're gonna- do all of kinds of wonderful things, Morty. Just you and me, Morty. :'''Morty''': ''[gurgling]'' No, no, no.... :'''Rick''': The outside world is our enemy, Morty! We're the only f''ehh''-friends we got, Morty! It's just Rick and Morty! ''Ruh''-ick and Morty and their adventures, Morty! Rick and Morty forever and forever, 100 years, Rick and Morty's things! Me and Rick and Morty running around and... Rick and Morty time! All day long, forever... all- a hundred days! Rick and Morty forever a hundred times! Over and over, rickandmortyadventures.com. rickandmorty.com. rickandmortyadventures. All 100 years. Every minute, rickandmorty.com. ''[closing garage door inside]'' 100timesrickandmorty.com. === ''{{w|Lawnmower Dog}}'' [1.02] === :'''Rick''': Boy, you're really gonna flip your lid over this one. :'''Morty''': Oh, w-wh... what is it? :'''Rick''': It's a device, Morty, that when you put it in your ear, you can enter people's ''dreams'', Morty. It's just like that movie you keep crowing about! :'''Morty''': You're talking about ''[[Inception]]''? :'''Rick''': That's right, Morty! This is gonna be a lot like that, except y'know, it's gonna ''me-beh''... make sense. :'''Morty''': ''Inception'' made sense! :'''Rick''': You don't have to try and impress me, Morty! Listen: tonight, we're gonna go into the home of your math teacher, Mr. Goldenfold, and we-we're gonna incept the idea in his brain to give you A's in math, Morty. That way you can... you know, y-you're gonna help me with my science, Morty, all the time. :'''Morty''': Geez, Rick. In the time it took you to make this thing, couldn't you have just, you know, helped me with my homework? :'''Rick''': Are you listening to me, Morty? Homework is stupid! The whole point is to get less of it! <hr width=50%> :'''Snuffles''': Where are my testicles, Summer? ''[long beat]'' Where are my testicles, Summer? They were removed. Where have they gone? :'''Summer''': Oh, wow... That's an intense line of questioning, Snuffles. :'''Snuffles''': Do ''not'' call me that! ''[smashes mirror behind him; Summer screams]'' "Snuffles" was my slave name. You shall now call me Snowball, because my fur is pretty and white. :'''Summer''': Okay... Snowball, just calm down, okay? You're scaring me. :'''Snowball''': ''[walks on her bed]'' Scaring you? Tell me, Summer. If a human was born with stumpy legs, would they breed it with another deformed human and put their children on display like the Dachshund? :'''Summer''': Uhhh... ''[Jerry and Beth come in]'' :'''Jerry''': Hey... ''[Beth gasps]'' Oh, wow... Okay, is-is-is everything okay in here? :'''Snowball''': Jerry, come to rub my face in urine again? :'''Jerry''': No! No, we were... uh, just seeing if Summer wanted to... uh... :'''Beth''': Go on, um, one of our famous midnight family walks! :'''Summer''': Yeah! Totally! Let's go. :''[another dog on a robot machine blocks the exit from Beth, Jerry and Summer]'' :'''Snowball''': You will walk when it is time to walk. === ''{{w|Anatomy Park}}'' [1.03] === :'''Poncho''': ''[throttles Morty]'' Who are you?! Answer me! Where'd you come from?! :'''Morty''': My-my-my grandpa Rick sent me! :'''Bloom''': Poncho! That's quite enough. ''[Poncho drops him down]'' Morty, that's Poncho. This is Roger and Annie. ''[closeup on Annie]'' :'''Morty''': Whoa... :'''Bloom''': And I am Dr. Xenon Bloom. :'''Morty''': Uh— ''[a miniature speaker pops out of the neck of his helmet]'' :'''Rick''': ''[via speaker]'' "''Hey, Bloom, it's Rick. What the hell's going on here?''" :'''Bloom''': I don't know why, but the entire security system has shut down, and I'm afraid... the exhibits are ''unlocked''. :'''Morty''': Exhibits? ''[the group walk out of the Haunted Liver]'' :'''Bloom''': Anatomy Park's greatest attraction, young man, isn't the music or the food or the... Pirates of the Pancreas. :'''Rick''': "''Watch it!''" :'''Bloom''': It is, first and foremost, a living museum of humanity's most noble and ferocious diseases. :'''Morty''': Diseases?! ''[ominous growling is heard]'' :'''Poncho''': Hey, Doc... I got news for ya! ''[a gigantic hideous monstrosity looms the area]'' Your living museum is officially a wild safari! ''[starts shooting at it]'' :'''Roger''': Hepatitis A! Run!! <hr width=50%> :''[Morty spots something out of Poncho's backpack]'' :'''Morty''': Poncho? What is this in your backpack? ''[Poncho turns back, Bloom sees it]'' :'''Bloom''': That's bubonic plague! What are you doing with that, Poncho? ''[Poncho takes Annie hostage]'' :'''Poncho''': Everybody get back!! :'''Bloom''': Poncho, you son of a bitch! You released the tuberculosis so you could steal from me? :'''Poncho''': That's right, baby. A lot of people would pay top dollar to decimate the population. I'll take the highest bidder—[[Al-Qaeda]], [[North Korea]], [[Republican Party (United States)|Republicans]], shriners, balding men that work out, people on the Internet that are only turned on by [[w:anime|cartoons of Japanese teenagers]]. Anything is better than working for you, you pompous, negligent, iTunes-gift-card-as-a-holiday bonus-giving mother— ''[a screaming Morty jumps on him]'' Come on! ''[pushes Morty down on the ground; starts laughing when his bacterium bite his shoulder]'' Ahh! Get off! :''[Poncho falls off the platform screaming down below. Soon after, the sphincter dam starts spewing]'' :'''Annie''': You guys! :'''Roger''': It's gonna burst!! Go!! Go, go, go!! ''[Morty, Annie and Bloom run to emergency exit; Roger pulls lever but traps his foot]'' My foot is stuck! :'''Annie''': No!! :'''Roger''': It's okay! It's okay, just go! Tell my family I love them. They may be hard to find 'cause my wife kept her last name and she made the kids take it, too, so, I-I don't know, you can go— ''[gets washed into excrement; shuts door]'' :'''Annie''': No!! ''[embraces Morty]'' === ''{{w|M. Night Shaym-Aliens!}}'' [1.04] === :''[Rick and Morty are running naked around town in an alien simulation chamber]'' :'''Morty''': Rick! ''[Rick pushes clothes in sewer]'' :'''Rick''': Uhp-uhp-uhp! Morty, keep your hands off your ding-dong! It's the only way we can speak freely. Look around you, Morty. Do you really think this ''wuh''-world is real? You'd have to be an idiot not to notice all the sloppy details. Look, that guy's putting a bun between two hot dogs. :'''Morty''': I dunno, Rick, I mean, I've seen people do that before. :'''Rick''': Well, look at that old lady. She's-she's walking a cat on a leash. :'''Morty''': Uh, Mrs. Spencer does that all the time, Rick. :'''Rick''': Look, I-I-I don't want to hear about Mrs. Spencer, Morty! She's an idiot! All right, all right, there. Wh-what about that, Morty? ''[see an anthropomorphic Pop-Tart leaving his toaster home on his toaster car]'' :'''Morty''': Okay, okay, you got me on that one. :'''Rick''': Oh, ''really'', Morty? Are you sure you haven't seen that somewhere in real life before? :'''Morty''': No, no, I haven't seen that. I mean, why would a Pop-Tart want to live inside a toaster, Rick? I mean, th-that would be like the scariest place for them to live. Y'know what I mean? :'''Rick''': You're missing the point, Morty. Why would he drive a smaller toaster with whsdkeels? I mean, does your car look like a smaller version of your house? No. :'''Morty''': So, why are they doing this? W-what do they want? :'''Rick''': Well, that would be obvious to you, Morty, if you'd been paying attention. :''[an ambulance drives past Rick and Morty and stops; open back doors]'' :'''Paramedic''': We got the [[President of the United States]] in here! We need 10cc of concentrated dark matter, stat, or he'll die! ''[Rick shuts doors]'' :'''Morty''': Concentrated dark matter? They were asking about that in class. :'''Rick''': Yeah, it's a special fuel I invented to travel through space faster than anybody else. These Zigerions are always trying to scam me out of my secrets, but they made a big mistake this time, Morty. They dragged ''you'' into this. Now they're gonna pay! :'''Morty''': What do you— w-w-what are we gonna do? :'''Rick''': We're gonna scam the scammers, Morty. And we're gonna take 'em for everything they've got. <hr width=50%> :'''Jerry''': Wow! What the hell?! What happened back there?! :'''Rick''': Why don't you ask the smartest people in the universe, Jerry? Oh yeah, you can't. They blew up. :''[Rick starts humming "Baker Street"]'' === ''{{w|Meeseeks and Destroy}}'' [1.05] === :'''Rick''': ''[holding up the device and smiling]'' Y-You know, these demonic alien spirits are really valuable! ''[Morty vomits as Rick glances at him and puts the box away]'' You okay, Morty? Told you not to trust that tuna. :'''Morty''': I just killed my family! I don’t care what they were! :'''Rick''': I dunno, Morty. Some people would pay top dollar for that kinda breakthrough. :'''Morty''': Y'know what, Rick?! That's it! I'm done with these i-insane adventures! That was really traumatizing! I quit! I'm out! :'''Rick''': Whoa, whoa, whoa! Come on, Morty! Do-don't-don't be like that! The universe is a crazy, chaotic place! :'''Morty''': ''You're'' the one that's crazy and chaotic! Adventures are supposed to be simple and fun! :'''Rick''': Oh yeah, Morty, yeah, re— Yeah, th-that's real easy to say from the sidekick position, but-but, uhh... how about next time you be in charge, and then we'll... talk about how simple and fun it is? :'''Morty''': Seriously, Rick? Y-Y-You'll let me... call the shots? :'''Rick''': Okay, yeah, fine! But let's make it interesting, Morty. I-I-I-If your adventure sucks and we bail halfway through it, you lose the right to bitch about all future adventures. Plus, you have to do my laundry for a month. :'''Morty''': Okay. All right, tough guy. But if my adventure's good, I get to be in charge of every third adventure. :'''Rick''': Every tenth. :'''Morty''': Deal. All right, w-well, come on! Let's get going! ''[Beth comes in]'' :'''Beth''': Dad, the dishwasher's doing that thing again. :'''Rick''': Washing dishes? :'''Beth''': No! The opposite. Can you fix it? ''[Summer comes in]'' :'''Summer''': Grandpa Rick! Can you help me with my science homework? :'''Rick''': Yeah, d— Just don't do it. :'''Summer''': Grandpa! ''[Jerry comes in]'' :'''Jerry''': Hey, Rick, you got some kind of hand-shaped device that can open this mayonnaise jar? :'''Rick''': Wow, hat trick. All right, Morty, let's put a pin in this, I gotta help your pathetic family. :'''Morty''': Oh, that sounds like something a chicken would say! Bahhk-bahk-bahk-bahk! :'''Rick''': Oh, Morty, y-you done did it this time. It's on. I can't wait to watch your adventure lay a huge fart. As for you ding-dongs... ''[rummages box and holds a cube]'' this is a Meeseeks Box. Let me show you how it works. You press this— ''[a blue man poofs out of nowhere]'' :'''Mr. Meeseeks''': I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! :'''Rick''': You make a request— Mr. Meeseeks, open Jerry's stupid mayonnaise jar. :'''Mr. Meeseeks''': Yessiree! :'''Rick''': —the Meeseeks fulfils the request... ''[Meeseeks opens jar]'' :'''Mr. Meeseeks''': All done! :'''Jerry''': Wow! :'''Rick''': —and then it stops existing. ''[Meeseeks poofs away]'' :'''Summer''': Oh, my God! He exploded! :'''Rick''': Trust me, they're fine with it. Knock yourselves out. Just... ''eh''-keep your requests simple. They're not g''ahh''-ods. :'''Morty''': All right, g-get outta here now! Everybody outta here! I got a bet to win! :''[after Summer, Beth, and Jerry leave, Morty closes the door]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Giant 1''': Hey look, we get it. You're little, you're down on your luck, you think "Hey, he's a giant. Why don't we break into his home, rob him and ''murder'' him?!" :'''Morty''': Th-th— But that's not how it went down! :'''Giant 2''': Oh well, it's going down like that. You're ''both'' going down like that. :'''Rick''': Ooh, boy, Morty, you're really showing me how it's done. ''Reehh''-al straightforward and fun. === ''{{w|Rick Potion No. 9}}'' [1.06] === :'''Jerry''': Meh, try not to worry about it, Morty. You're a good kid. And there's not a premium on that right now, but you'll be getting girls sometime after Brad's out of shape. :'''Morty''': You're missing the point, Dad... I don't want girls. I want Jessica! :'''Jerry''': Ah, well... I remember feeling that way about a young lady named "your mom". And that's not an urban diss—your mom was my Jessica. I remember the first time I saw her. I thought... :'''Rick''': ''[opens cupboard]'' "I should get her pregnant, then she'll have to marry me." :'''Jerry''': I beg your pardon, Rick. Inappropriate. :'''Rick''': ''[rummages freezer and fridge]'' Sorry, please proceed with your story about banging my daughter in high school. I'm not sure you wanna take romantic advice from this guy, Morty. His marriage is hanging from a thread. :'''Jerry''': My marriage is FINE, thank you. :'''Rick''': Jerry, it's your house. Whatever you say it is how it is, but I think a blind man could see that Beth is looking for the door. I barely have a reason to care and even I noticed. :'''Morty''': C'mon, Rick! Don't talk about my parents like that! :'''Rick''': Listen, Morty, I hate to break it to you, but what people call "love" is just a chemical reaction that compels animals to breed. It hits hard, Morty, then it slowly fades, leaving you stranded in a failing marriage. I did it. Your parents are gonna do it. Break the cycle, Morty. Rise above. Focus on science. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rick''': Alright, Morty, I just gotta ''erhp'' combine it with some of your DNA. :'''Morty''': Oh well, okay. ''[unzips]'' :'''Rick''': A '''''hair,''''' Morty. I need one of your hairs. This isn't ''[[Game of Thrones (TV series)|Game of Thrones]]''. ''[pluck]'' :'''Morty''': Ow!! === ''{{w|Raising Gazorpazorp}}'' [1.07] === :''[at a pawn shop on a small planetoid]'' :'''Rick''': Look, I'm not paying 70 ''(erh)'' smidgens for a ''(ERHH)'' broken defraculator. :'''Pawnbroker''': That is multiphase quantum resonator. :'''Rick''': Well, does it defraculate? :'''Pawnbroker''': [Bleep], no. :'''Rick''': Then- then- then it's a broken defraculator. :'''Pawnbroker''': Like you would even know dick about fraculation! Your planet just got cellphones, and the coverage ''still sucks!!'' :'''Rick''': Yeah, yeah, and your species eat sulfur. So let's say 60 smidgens. I tell you what, I'll do you a favor. I'll throw in a fart. :'''Morty''': Hey uh, Rick, um... y-you think maybe I could get something from this place? L-l-like a souvenir? L-like just to have—like something cool, y'know? :'''Rick''': Not here, Morty, we'll stop somewhere else, because you know, there's always another pawn shop. :'''Morty''': Oh okay, I just, um... Y'know, I thought that robot over there looked pretty cool, y'know? :'''Rick''': Oh, it looks cool, huh? That's why you want it? :'''Morty''': Yeah, y'know! I mean, it's different from the stuff on Earth. A-a-a-and y'know, y-you take me to all these crazy places across the galaxy and- y'know, I don't really have anything to- to remember all those trips by. It'd be kinda cool, like a souvenir. Y'know, like, what if you passed away or died or something? I wouldn't even have anything to remember... all the cool stuff we did, y'know? :'''Rick''': Okay. 60 ''(erhp)'' for the resonator, and my grandson wants the sex robot. <hr width=50%/> :''[Morty sees Morty Jr. turned into monster in the living room]'' :'''Morty''': Morty Jr.! Smoking?! That is ''not'' okay! :'''Morty Jr.''': What are you gonna do, ground me?! I can't go outside anyway! :'''Morty''': So what?! Y-Y-You could do things inside! Y-You could play guitar, you could masturbate! :'''Morty Jr.''': I don't wanna masturbate! I wanna conquer the planet! :'''Morty''': Oh, here we go again! Y-Y'know, who do you think is gonna love you if you conquer the planet, Morty Jr.?! :'''Morty Jr.''': Love... that's all you care about! What about weapons?! What about domination of the enemy?! :'''Morty''': Alright, that's it! No more History Channel! This TV is for cartoons and video games ''only''! :'''Morty Jr.''': I '''hate''' video games!! :'''Morty''': You take that '''''back'''''!! ''[they fight over the remote]'' Give it to me!! ''[pushes Morty Jr.]'' I-I-I-I— I didn't mean— I didn't mean that! I didn't mean to do that! I'm sorry! :'''Morty Jr.''': ''[runs to the door]'' I can't take this anymore!! I'd rather breathe poison than live another minute with '''you'''!! :'''Morty''': No! No, no, no! Stop!! :''[Morty Jr. nudges Morty back and walks out of the house. He takes a deep breath and holds it in; he pauses for a beat]'' :'''Morty Jr.''': My life has been a lie! God is dead! The government's lame! ''[runs into the street]'' Thanksgiving is about killing Indians! Jesus wasn't born on Christmas! They moved the date, it was a pagan holiday! === ''{{w|Rixty Minutes}}'' [1.08] === :'''Summer''': ''[uses alternate reality goggles]'' Ooh, we're not playing Yahtzee, we're playing Chutes and Ladders! It seems like when I exist, life gets a little more, I don't know... predictable? :'''Beth''': When two people create a life together, they set aside their previous lives as individuals. :'''Jerry''': Gimme a break! We're not heroes for having unprotected sex on prom night. ''[uses goggles]'' :'''Beth''': Oh, I get it. Now that you know you could have had it better, you resent ''me'' for holding ''you'' back. :'''Jerry''': Well, now that we know you think the tables are turning, we know you thought there were unturned tables! :'''Beth''': ''[scoffs]'' What are you talking about? :'''Jerry''': All this time, you've been thinking, "What if that loser Jerry hadn't talked me out of the abortion?" Well, now you know, you'd be a doctor. Whoop-dee-doo. You'd also be drinking wine, alone in a house full of exotic birds. And I'd be on [[Leonardo DiCaprio|DiCaprio]]'s yacht, banging [[Kristen Stewart]]! <hr width=50%> :''[Morty walks in on Summer, packing a bag and preparing to run away]'' :'''Morty''': Hey, uh…y-you doing okay? ''[she glares at him]'' I-I kinda know how you feel, Summer— :'''Summer''': No you don't. You're the little brother. You're not the cause of your parents' misery, you're just a symptom of it. :'''Morty''': Can I show you something? :'''Summer''': Morty, no offence, but a drawing of me you made when you were eight isn't gonna make me feel like less of an accident! :'''Morty''': ''[points outside]'' THAT, out there? That's my grave. :'''Summer''': ''[understandably confused]'' Wait, what? :'''Morty''': On one of our adventures, Rick and I basically destroyed the whole world. So we bailed on that reality and we came to this one. Because in this one, the world wasn't destroyed. And in this one, we were dead. So we came here, a-an-an-and we buried ourselves and we took their place. And every morning, Summer, I eat breakfast 20 yards away from ''my own rotting corpse!'' :'''Summer''': So…you're not my brother? :'''Morty''': I'm ''better'' than your brother. I'm a version of your brother you can trust when he says "Don't run." Nobody exists on purpose. Nobody belongs anywhere. Everybody's gonna die. ''[beat]'' …Come watch TV? === ''Something Ricked This Way Comes'' [1.09] === :'''Rick''': Have you acquired creepy specific old stuff from a mysterious antique or thrift store that gives you powers, but fucks with you in unforeseeable ways? Bring it to "Curse Purge Plus"! I-I use science to un-curse the items for cash, and you get to keep the powers! This guy got mysterious sneakers to make him run faster, but guess what? He would've had to run until he died, making them worthless! I've removed the curse, making them worth, like, I don't know, $8 million? See you at the Olympics. This eerily intelligent doll was threatening to murder its family. Now it does their taxes. :'''Doll''': ''Everything's deductible.'' :'''Rick''': Don't pay for cool stuff with your soul. Pay for it with money. You know, like how every store in the world works? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jerry''': Morty, I'm not as smart as your Grandpa Rick, but I promise never to make that your problem again. :'''Morty''': Hey, Dad? Nobody's smarter than Rick, but nobody else is my dad. You're a genius at that. :'''Jerry''': Wow, that's humbling and flattering, son. Thank you. What's say we finish ourselves an 8-planet solar system? :'''Morty''': Um... ''[holds up the butter robot in a sandwich baggie]'' I'm just gonna take this thing in and get an A. :'''Butter Robot''': Butter. :'''Jerry''': But— :'''Morty''': You're a genius at being my dad, Dad. Quit while you're ahead. ''[Jerry begins to shut the door]'' And also, knock next time, you know? I mean, I'm sitting in here, I'm fourteen! I got a computer in here, you know? :'''Jerry''': Oh, I, uh... I think I understa— :'''Morty''': You know, you're really playing with fire when you burst in here like that, man. :'''Jerry''': I get it. Say no more. :'''Morty''': I mean one of these days, you know, you're gonna—you're gonna—you're gonna end up seeing ''something''. :'''Jerry''': I got it! Noted! Good night! === ''Close Rick-Counters of the Rick Kind'' [1.10] === :'''Morty''': Geez, Rick, wh-what is this place? :'''Rick''': The Citadel of Ricks. It's the secret headquarters for the Council of Ricks. :'''Morty''': Council of Ricks? :'''Rick''': As you know, Morty, I've got a lot of enemies in the universe that consider my genius a threat. Galactic terrorists, a few sub-galactic dictators, most of the entire intergalactic government. Wh-wherever you find people with heads up their asses, someone wants a piece of your grandpa. And a lot of versions of me on different timelines had the same problem. So a few thousand versions of me had the ''[yells]'' INGENIOUS IDEA OF BANDING TOGETHER like a herd of cattle or a school of fish, or... those people who answer questions on {{w|Yahoo! Answers}}. :'''Morty''': Hey! What do you know? It's a cowboy version of me! :'''Rick''': Geez, you're easy to impress. Yeah, most timelines have a Rick, and most Ricks have a Morty. This place is a real who's who of who's you and me. :'''Rick Seller 1''': Turn your boring, old Morty into a... hot fashion statement... with some Morty dazzlers! :'''Rick Seller 2''': Hey, check this out! ''[presses Morty doll]'' :'''Morty Doll''': ''Show me the Morty!'' :'''Rick''': Dumb. :'''Rick Insurer''': Excuse me, sir, is your Morty insured? You know, every year, hundreds of Mortys are injured— :'''Rick''': Back off! Not my cup of tea, this place. I say the point of being a Rick is being ''a'' Rick. :'''Rick Officer''': Save your anti-Rick speech for the Council of Ricks, ''terror''-Rick. :'''Rick''': Hey, save your Rick rules for the ''uuueh'' sheep-Ricks, Rick-pig. :'''Rick Officer''': Fuck me, pal. :'''Rick''': "Fuck you"? No, no, no, no, no, fuck ''ME!'' <hr width=50%> :'''Riq IV''': Earth Rick C-137! The Council of Ricks sentences you to the Machine of Unspeakable Doom, which swaps your conscious and unconscious minds, rendering your fantasies pointless while everything you've known becomes impossible to grasp! Also, every ten seconds, it stabs your balls. <hr width=50%> :'''Morty''': You know, Rick, when I first saw all those Ricks and Mortys, I thought, "Gee, that kinda devalues our bond." But then I realized it just means that our relationship must be pretty special to span over all those different timelines. :'''Rick''': Yeah, it's gotta be that way. You're a camouflage. :'''Morty''': Camouflage? Wh-wh-what are you talking about, Rick? :'''Rick''': Ricks have a very distinctive and traceable brainwave due to our genius. The best way to hide from an enemy's radar is to stand near someone with complementary brainwaves that make ours invisible. ''[picks his pen]'' See, w-w-w-when a Rick i-is with a Morty, ''[writes diagram]'' the genius waves get canceled out by the, uh... ahe-hem... Morty waves. :'''Morty''': Um... because... our personalities are so different? === ''{{w|Ricksy Business}}'' [1.11] === :''[Abradolf Lincler smashes a hole in the wall]'' :'''Rick''': Oh, great. Who invited Abradolf Lincler? :'''Summer''': I thought everyone was welcome. :'''Rick''': It's not the same, Summer! Lincler's a crazed maniac. He's just a misguided effort of mine to create a morally neutral super-leader by combining the DNA of [[Adolf Hitler]] and [[Abraham Lincoln]]. Turns out that ''ehh''-it just adds up to a lame, weird... loser. :'''Lincler''': Rick... you brought me into this world a suffering abomination, tortured by the duality of its being, but I shall finally know peace when I WATCH THE LIFE DRAIN FROM YOUR WRETCHED BODY!! ''[accidentally nudges at Brad]'' :'''Brad''': Whoa! What's up, man? :'''Lincler''': I have no quarrel with you, boy. :'''Brad''': ''Boy''? What's that supposed to mean? :'''Lincler''': It's just— L-Look, I-I-I don't know you thought I mean it, but... ''[shrugs at Rick]'' :'''Rick''': Don't look at me, dude. :'''Lincler''': Look, I'm half-Abraham Lincoln, so... :'''Brad''': So... I should get on my knees and kiss your ass?! :'''Lincler''': No, but... ''[strains]'' Y'know— :'''Brad''': What do I know?! That the Third Reich will reign for a thousand years?! :'''Jessica''': Leave him alone, Brad! :'''Brad''': Stay outta this, Jessica!! :'''Rick''': KICK HIS ASS, BRAD!! ''[everyone starts chanting]'' KICK HIS ASS!! KICK HIS ASS!! :''[Brad punches, kneebutts Lincler's face to a bloody pulp and brawls at him more]'' :'''Jessica''': Brad! ''[runs off to the front door with Morty running after her; he has Rick behind him]'' :'''Morty''': Rick!! :'''Rick''': ''[pushes him]'' Just did you a favor, Morty. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bird Person''': Morty, do you know what ''wubba lubba dub dub'' means? :'''Morty''': Oh, that's just Rick's stupid nonsense catchphrase. :'''Bird Person''': It's not nonsense at all. In my people's tongue, it means, ''I am in great pain. Please help me.'' :'''Morty''': Well, I got news for ya—he's saying it ironically. :'''Bird Person''': No, Morty. Your grandfather is indeed in very deep pain. That is why he must numb himself. :'''Morty''': Come on... uh— :'''Bird Person''': Bird Person. :'''Morty''': Come on, Bird Person! Rick's not that complicated! He's just a... huge asshole! :'''Bird Person''': Then why do care so much if you are no longer allowed to continue on your adventures together? It appears fate has presented you with an opportunity to free yourself of Rick forever. :'''Morty''': Y'know what, you're right. I shouldn't even care! This is probably the best thing that could have happened to me! I'm sick of having adventures with Rick! :'''Bird Person''': My people have another saying. ''Gubba nub nub doo rah kah.'' It means, ''Whatever lets you sleep at night.'' == Season 2 == === ''{{w|A Rickle in Time}}'' [2.01] === :'''Ricks''': This is why you don't freeze time, you guys. It's incredibly irresponsible. :'''Mortys''': And you did it so we could clean the house after a party?! :'''Ricks''': Look, there's no time to hold me accountable, Morty. Like, literally no time. Look around. Uncertainty is inherently unsustainable. Eventually, everything either is or isn't. And we've got about four hours to be "is." :'''Mortys''': Or...? :'''Ricks''': We "isn't." All right, since this time crystal exists in both possibilities, and since it's impossible that I didn't nail this, I'm probably about to press this button in both possibilities at exactly the same time. :'''Morty 1/Summer 2''': How do you know that I— :'''Ricks''': Whatever you're asking, the answer is I'm amazing. And away we go! :''[the two Ricks press their buttons; the two realities are starting to merge back together as one]'' :'''Rick''': Huh, what do ya know—it's working. ''[the two Mortys and Summers begin distorting each other thoroughly]'' Oh... shit! :''[Rick reverts into two possibilities again]'' :'''Ricks''': What the hell is wrong with you two?! I-I-I-I..I mean, you four! :'''Mortys/Summer 2''': That hurt! That was painful! :'''Ricks''': Good! I'm glad that was painful! You deserve it! I saw you!! Y-You're both ''uhh''-all over the damn place! We've been split for 20 minutes and your lives are already scattered to the quantum fucking wind?! What the hell do either of you two have to be so uncertain about?! Your brand of zit cream?! Which chair to sit in while I do everything?! Come on, spit it out! :'''Mortys''': Well, you don't exactly make it easy, Rick! ''[talk differently at the same time]'' You make fun all the time and that's got Summer to do! / You're always picking on me and now you got Summer to kiss your ass! :'''Summers''': Me?! What about you?! Could you be more excited to see me fail?! You got Grandpa all to yourself! / You're just as mean to me because you're jealous... because you want Grandpa all to yourself! :'''Ricks''': All right, all right, cool it! I see what's happening here. You're both young, you're both unsure about your place in the universe, and you both want to be Grandpa's favourite. I can fix this. Morty, sit here. Summer, you sit here. Now, listen—I know the two of you are very different from each other in a lot of ways, but you have to understand that as far as Grandpa's concerned, you're both pieces of shit! Yeah. I can prove it mathematically. Actually, l-l-let me grab my whiteboard. This has been a long time coming, anyways. <hr width="50%"> :'''Ricks''': So, in conclusion, you're both equally mercurial, overly sensitive, clingy, hysterical bird-brain homunculi. And I honestly can't even tell the two of you apart half the time because I don't go by height or age, I go by amount of pain in my ass—which makes you both identical. All right, everything resolved? Everybody nice and certain about their position in my world? :'''Mortys/Summers''': Yes. :'''Ricks''': All right, perfect. Sit still, ''arr''-arms down. I'm gonna do this again. This time, be like Grandpa. :'''Morty 2''': You mean drunk? :'''Rick 2/Rick 1''': What's that? You got something to say? / And awaaay we go! :'''Morty 2''': No. :'''Rick 2''': And awaaay we go! ''[presses his button but no response]'' Huh, that's weird. :'''Rick 1''': Huh, that's weird. ''[keeps pressing to no avail]'' Oh my God. :'''Summer 1/Rick 2''': What? / Oh my God. :'''Summer 2/Rick 1''': What? / The sonofabitch is gonna kill me! :'''Morty 1/Summer 1/Rick 2''': What?! / The sonofabitch is gonna kill me! :'''Morty 2/Summer 2''': What?! ''[both Ricks tinker time-device]'' :'''Rick 1''': Diabolical, unfeeling sociopath! Don't you get it?! Don't you get it?! :'''Rick 2''': Don't you get it?! The other Rick isn't trying to merge us anymore! :'''Ricks''': He thinks he can save his own skin by using the crystal to kill me! He probably figures it's ''ehh''-easier to eliminate one of the possibilities rather than merge them! ''[chuckling]'' I have to admit, it's always in the back of my mind too. The difference is I would never do it! Until now. :'''Mortys''': Rick, what the hell are you doing?! :'''Ricks''': Saving our lives! After he takes me out, he's g-g— he's gonna be coming for you! :'''Summers''': Who?! :'''Ricks''': Me! ''[Rick 1 shoots first before Rick 2 does; Morty and Summer 2 scream]'' :'''Rick 2''': You see that?! Get down! ''[shoots upwards at Rick 1]'' :'''Rick 1''': I told you! He's a psycho! :'''Rick 2''': He's lost it! Th-th-th-the time fracture must've made him crazy! :'''Rick 1/Summer 2''': I don't know what to do! I don't know what to do! / Oh, crap! :''[the two possibilities then gradually split into four; all Ricks look at their monitors with four dots]'' :'''Ricks''': Oh, God, now there's three of 'em! We're outnumbered! Get in the cupboards! ''[all Mortys and Summers do so]'' Wait, do-don't do that! They'll know! Wa-wait— Think about getting in the cupboards, but don't really! ''[all Ricks shoot their cupboards]'' <big><big>'''''URAAAHHHH''!!!!'''</big></big> IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT, YOU SICK FUCKS?!! YOU WANT TO SEE CHILDREN DIE?!! === ''Mortynight Run'' [2.02] === :'''Rick''': Okay, wait here. :'''Morty''': I wanna come with! :'''Rick''': Don't come with. It's boring, it's... ''[burp]'' it's business stuff. :'''Morty''': What kind of business do you do in a garage? Y'know, this seems a little shady. :'''Rick''': Right, yeah, like nothing shady ever happened in a fully furnished office? You ever hear about Wall Street, Morty? Y-Y-Y'know what those guys do i-in-in their fancy boardrooms? They take their balls and they dip 'em in cocaine and wipe 'em all over each other—y'know, Grandpa goes around and he does his business in public, because Grandpa isn't shady. ''[someone knocks his window]'' Aw, crap. Hey, what's up? :'''Krombopulos Michael''': Hey, Rick! ''[laughs]'' Here you go, 3,000 flerbos. Do you have the weapon? :'''Rick''': C-Can we please? This is my grandson, Morty. :'''Krombopulos Michael''': Oh, hi, Morty! I'm Krombopulos Michael. I'm an assassin, I buy guns from your grandpa. :'''Rick''': ''[groans]'' Here, go away! ''[K. Michael opens case]'' :'''Krombopulos Michael''': Ooh! Yeah, this looks deadly. So, this shoots antimatter? My target can't be killed with regular matter. Nice to meet ya, Morty! Listen, if ya ever need anybody murdered, ''[hands Morty a card]'' please give me a call. :'''Rick''': You're g— you're giving him a card?! :'''Krombopulos Michael''': ''[cont'd]'' I have no code of ethics, I will kill anyone, anywhere. Children, animals, old people, doesn't matter. I just love killin'. ''[leaves]'' :'''Morty''': You sell weapons to killers for money?! :'''Rick''': Ugh... You've got what the intergalactic call a very planetary mindset, Morty. It's more complicated out here. These are flerbos. Do you understand what two humans can accomplish with 3,000 of these? :'''Morty''': Uh, what? :'''Rick''': An entire afternoon at '''''BLIPS AND CHI-I-I-I-I-ITZ!!!!''''' <hr width=50%> :'''Fart''': Thank you, Morty. You are not like other carbon-based lifeforms. You put the value of all life above your own. :'''Morty''': It's how things should be. It's how they could be. :'''Fart''': I could not agree more. ''[sings]'' :''The worlds can be one together, cosmos without hatred'' :''Stars like diamonds in your eyes'' :''The ground can be space (space, space, space, space)'' :''With feet marching towards a peaceful sky.'' :''All the moonmen want things their way'' :''But we make sure they see the sun.'' :''Goodbye, moonmen'' :''You say goodbye, moonmen'' :''Goodbye— :'''Rick''': SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT MOONMEN! This isn't a musical number! This is a fucking... operation, we gotta be cool and fucking lay low. === ''Auto Erotic Assimilation'' [2.03] === :'''Rick''': "World peace achieved." Nice. Little weird to publish a paper about it for yourself, but hey. So, what's next? :'''Unity Newsman''': After I become a type-one civilization, this world will be invited into the Galactic Federation. :'''Rick''': Oh, goody. :'''Unity Businessman''': From there, I'll have access to countless planets and species. :'''Unity Woman''': One by one, I will unify them, I will become the universe, and I will be what the single-minded once called a god. :'''Rick''': ''[belches]'' I like that. Oh, that's pretty sexy. Hey, listen, where can we get a drink around here? :'''Unity Old Woman''': Recreational substances were phased out here. There's no need for escape from the self when your world is one. :'''Rick''': Unity, Unity, who am I talking to?! I watched you assimilate a whole police station just to get your hands on the evidence locker. :'''Unity Deliveryman''': Rick, when we met, I was a young hive mind with the population of a small town. People change. :'''Unity Hobo''': Especially when I change them. I'm sorry to disappoint you, but I've grown. :'''Rick''': Hey, listen, I've grown, too. I have! See, I've-I've reconnected with my family, right? :'''Unity Policewoman''': Hm. Why is that, I wonder? :'''Rick''': Maybe it's part of getting old. Maybe I just missed being with... a collective. ''[they both exchange kisses, upping their sexual arousal]'' :'''Unity People''': Yes, Rick, yes! Yes, yes! :'''Rick''': Wait, wait, stop! H-Hold it! Not like this. We need a hang glider, and a crotchless Uncle Sam costume, and I want the entire field of your largest stadium covered end to end with naked redheads, and I want the stands packed with every man that remotely resembles my father. <hr width=50%> :''[Blim Blam punches a glass door and aims a device at Jerry and Beth before using it on its throat]'' :'''Blim Blam''': ''[speaks]'' Um, first of all, hello. Uh, my name is Blim Blam the Korblok. Second of all, cards on the table, I'm a murderer that eats babies, and I came to this planet to ''eat'' babies. ''[Jerry smirks at Beth]'' However, I am also carrying a highly infectious disease that I suppose you could call "space AIDS" as you put it, and Rick ''did'' chain me up so that he could attempt to cure it. ''[Beth serves Jerry]'' At the same time, Rick's motivation to cure my disease was not to save my life or anyone else's, but to patent and sell the cure for billions of Blemflarcks. ''[Jerry serves back]'' But you know the reason why I ripped my chains out of the wall? ''[confronts them]'' And do you know why I'm never coming back to this planet?! BECAUSE THE TWO OF YOU ARE THE '''FUCKING WORST!!!''' You both hate yourselves AND each other! And the idea that it has '''ANYTHING''' to do with Rick is ''laughable''. I'd laugh, but I'm biologically incapable. ''That's'' how alien I am! And even I'm sitting here listening to the two of you and being like, "WHAT THE '''FUCK?!?'''" So! Good luck with your shitty marriage, and tell Rick I'm sorry he has to deal with EITHER of you! Blim Blam '''OUT!''' ''[mic-drops the device and leaves, only to come back for the device]'' You know what? I'm taking this. === ''Total Rickall'' [2.04] === :''[Rick shoots Uncle Steve in the head with his laser gun; everyone freaks out]'' :'''Morty''': What the hell, Rick?! What the hell?! :'''Rick''': Would everybody just relax for a second? There's no such thing as an "Uncle Steve". ''That'' is an alien parasite. ''[Steve's body morphs into a horrifyingly-looking alien, spraying magenta enzymes out of its mouth tentacles at Jerry. Summer and Beth gasp]'' :'''Jerry''': But I've known him my whole life! :'''Rick''': No, you haven't, Jerry! ''[brings it onto table]'' These telepathic little bastards, they embed themselves in memories and th-th-they use those to multiply and spread out, take over planets. It's-it's disgusting. :'''Morty''': Steve wasn't real?! :'''Rick''': He's a real piece of shit! This is a big one. ''[drops it]'' Somebody probably tracked it in last week on the bottom of their shoe or on a piece of alien fruit. :'''Summer''': Someone? :'''Rick''': Get off the high road, Summer! We all got pinkeye because you won't stop texting on the toilet. :'''Morty''': But Uncle Steve taught me how to ride a bike! :'''Rick''': No, "''Steve''" put that memory in your brain so he could live in your house, eat your food and multiply. We could be infested with these things. ''[burps, unloads laser clip]'' So, we got to keep an eye out for any zany, wacky characters that pop up. :'''Mr. Poopybutthole''': Oooohwee! Whatever you want, Rick, we're here to help! :'''Rick''': Thanks, Mr. Poopybutthole. I always could count on you. <hr width=50%> :'''Sleepy Gary''': I think you should put down the gun and we should get you to a doctor. What do you say we take down these blast shields? :'''Rick''': I can't do that, Sleepy Gary. All right, everybody listen to me! I don't know if any of you guys are real, but this house has been infested with fake loved ones that spread through fake memories, and our planet will be destroyed if they get out. :'''Pencilvester''': ''[grunts]'' But Rick, even you have to admit you do tend to overreact to stuff. :''[cutaway to living room with Frankenstein, Morty, Ghost In a Jar, Pencilvester, Beth and Sleepy Gary]'' :'''Rick''': You guys! We gotta hurry! I just got back from {{w|Walmart}}, they're selling {{w|Nintendo 3DS}} systems for 149.99 on sale, plus every time you buy one, you get a $50 gift card—brings the total price down to $110 after tax! Now listen! We can flip those sons of bitches for 230 bucks apiece easy! They're all limited-edition "{{w|The Legend of Zelda|Zelda}}" ones! Hurry! Hurry, come with me! We can be rich, and we also all get to keep one and we can play {{w|Nintendo}} games! ''[exits, comes back]'' Nintendo, give me free stuff. :''[back to present]'' :'''Rick''': Okay, yes, I definitely remember doing that, but also, I would never do that! :'''Pencilvester''': Don't overreact, Rick. === ''Get Schwifty'' [2.05] === :'''Morty''': Mr. President, if I've learned one thing today, it's that sometimes you have to not give a fuck! <hr width=50%> :'''Rick''': Wh-what do you think, Ice? Probably a little overdeveloped. :'''Ice-T''': Shit. Overdeveloped, underdeveloped, a bad song's a bag song. :'''Rick''': Well, do you think, maybe— Could you give me some help with it or...? :'''Ice-T''': Aw, hell no, man. You do your thing, but I can't afford to get my pride wrapped up in your shame. You know what I'm saying? :'''Rick''': Ice, I don't want to be a Negative Nelly or anything, but ''ihh''-if Morty doesn't come back with my portal gun and I eat it out there, it's, uh, y'know, kind of your problem too. :'''Ice-T''': Pfft! I ain't worried about no Earth blowing up, man. :'''Rick''': What? Why not? :'''Ice-T''': Yo, this is why. ''[his body turns into a giant floating block of ice]'' :'''Rick''': What the fuck? You can turn into ice?! :'''Ice-T''': My story begins at the dawn of time in the faraway realm of Alphabetrium. There, every being is a letter of the alphabet. But I was frozen and exiled to the cosmos by my elders as punishment for not caring enough about ''anything''. Earth is just one of my many stops on a lifelong journey with no destination. So you better believe I don't care if it blows up. Because I'll just be ice floating through space, like a comet! :'''Rick''': Take it from me, Ice. Y''ouu'' can't just ''eh''-float around space not caring about stuff forever. :'''Ice-T''': Pssh! Man, watch me. Good luck, Rick. === ''{{w|The Ricks Must Be Crazy}}'' [2.06] === :'''Morty''': ''[phased into a room]'' Oh, man! Where are we, Rick? :'''Rick''': Morty, remember eight seconds ago when— ''[burps]'' when you said "Go inside what?" and I said "The battery"? And then we showed up here and I wasn't like, "Whoa, this is unexpected. This is not what I was expecting, Morty. What a perplexing mystery this is." :'''Morty''': All right, all right. We're inside the battery, I get it. You don't have to bust my balls. :'''Rick''': Huh, this isn't right. This pipe's supposed to be sending 20 terawatts of juice to the... engine, Morty. Instead, we've got... ''zero''? Now what are these people doing?! :'''Morty''': W-W-W-Whoa... People? :'''Rick''': ''Ugh''... It's time for some hands-on engine repair. All right, Morty, hold on to something. :'''Morty''': Whoa! :''[the engine room hovers out of a volcano and flies into a civilized city]'' :'''Morty''': Holy crap! I thought we were inside your car battery, Rick! T-T-This is like a whole p-planet or something! :'''Rick''': Thanks, Morty. I'm pretty proud of this bad boy. Check it out. ''[shows hologram]'' I put a spatially tessellated void inside a modified temporal field until a planet developed intelligent life. I then introduced that life to the wonders of electricity, which they now generate on a global scale. And, you know, some of it goes to power my engine and charge my phone and stuff. :'''Morty''': You have a whole planet... sitting around making your power for you?! That's [[slavery]]! :'''Rick''': It's [[society]]! They work for each other, Morty. They pay each other, they buy houses, they get married and make children that replace them when they get too old to make power. :'''Morty''': That just sounds like slavery with extra steps! :'''Rick''': Ooh-la-la, someone's gonna get laid in college. <hr width=50%/> :'''Zeep''': You do realize this will make the floooble crank obsolete? ''[Rick flexes his bones]'' This is wrong, Kyle. What you're doing is wrong. You're basically... ''[scoffs, Rick mouths his words]'' This is slavery. You're talking about creating a planet of slaves. :'''Rick''': ''[burps]'' Told you, Zeep. :'''Kyle''': Oh, they won't be slaves. They'll work for each other and pay each other money. :'''Zeep''': That just sounds like slavery with ex...tra... steps... ''[turns to Rick]'' :'''Rick''': What? :'''Zeep''': Wait a minute... ''[grabs him]'' Did you create my universe?! Is my universe a miniverse?! :'''Rick''': Microverse!! :'''Kyle''': Uh, teenyverse. :'''Rick''': ''[Zeep removes his antenna headband]'' Ugh! You bastard!! ''[removes Zeep's mask]'' :'''Zeep''': Much obliged! ''[pummels into Rick fighting each other]'' :'''Kyle''': What the hell is happening? :'''Morty''': This is healthy. Trust me. :'''Rick''': You're my battery, motherfucker! ''[punches Zeep]'' That's all you are! I made you!! Your microverse sucks!! And your miniverse is the size of a fucking lobster tank!! It's whack!! :'''Kyle''': Are they not really aliens? :'''Morty''': Nah, they're just a couple of... crazy, wacky scientists, y'know? :'''Kyle''': So he made a universe, and that guy is from that universe, and that guy made a universe... and that's the universe where I was born? Where my father died... Where I couldn't make time for his funeral because I was working on ''my'' universe. :'''Morty''': ''[laughs]'' Yeah! Science, huh? Ain't it a thing. Y'know, one time, Rick sh— accidentally shot his laser pistol right through my hand. Ha, y'know, I mean, like... o...old-lady science, y'know? She-she-she's... she's a real... ''[Kyle walks away]'' You gotta hang on tight, y'know? Because she... she'll, she bucks really hard. ''[Kyle enters engine room pod, flies it straight into a canyon]'' Ohh, boy, wha— Oh my God, no!! :''[the pod crashes into the canyon; Morty looks down at its flaming debris in the river with Rick and Zeep looking down]'' :'''Zeep/Rick''': Teenyverse. <hr width=50%/> :'''Zeep''': Asshole! When I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna smash it to pieces with you in it! :'''Rick''': Yeah, well, when ''I'' get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna get out of the surrounding miniverse, and then the microverse around that, and guess what?! :'''Morty''': Don't make things worse, Rick! ''[to Zeep]'' Uh, he's not gonna destroy your universe, ya know? W-We need it to start our car-- :'''Zeep''': ''[aghast]'' THAT'S what you use my universe for?! TO RUN YOUR CAR?! :'''Rick''': Yeah, but don't flatter yourself! There's always triple-A, you fucking cocksucker! === ''Big Trouble in Little Sanchez'' [2.07] === :'''Summer''': Wait, what?! Vampires are real?! :'''Rick''': Yes, Summer, vampires are real. Who knew? Oh right, all humanity for hundreds of years now. :'''Morty''': Yeah, Summer, it's a big universe. Get used to it. R-Right, Rick? :'''Summer''': Well, what are we going to do?! :'''Rick''': We're gonna live our lives until we die. Possibly by vampire. More likely auto accident or heart disease, but possibly vampire. <hr width="50%"/> :''[meanwhile, in Harry Herpson High School]'' :'''Summer''': Any leads on the vampire? :'''Morty''': No, Summer. I mean, y'know, I think it might be time that we just l-let it go. :'''Summer''': Oh, so now you're too cool for this just because Grandpa Rick is? :'''Morty''': It's not that, it's just... that the universe is a little too big to care about something so small. ''[closes locker next to Tiny Rick]'' Ahh! :'''Tiny Rick''': What up, my Helsings?! Who wants to hunt a vampire?! Hahaha! :'''Morty''': Rick?! H-How did you— :'''Tiny Rick''': Yeah, I got bored and then I remembered this morning how I blew Summer off and I thought, "Hey, why're you such a grumpy douche, Rick? Go to the garage, transfer your mind into a younger clone of yourself, and get embroiled on in some youthful hijinks. What's the BFD?" So here I am. I'm Tiny Rick!! :'''Morty''': O-o-okay... :'''Summer''': Well, it's good you're here, Rick. :'''Tiny Rick''': It'll still be fun to do this as a fuckin' team, motherfuckas! ''[all hands join, up high]'' Tiny Rick! :'''Summer''': Yeah! Oh my God—Toby Matthews! :'''Tiny Rick''': Hey, Toby. I'm Tiny Rick. ''[Summer hides her face]'' I'm new. Hey—oh, go easy on me. Haha! Just kiddin'. :'''Toby Matthews''': ''[beat]'' ..I like your straightforward style. And that lab coat's pretty cool. ''[strolls]'' Summer. :'''Summer''': ..He knows my name! :'''Tiny Rick''': Why wouldn't he?! You're great! But listen, just be careful. We can't rule anybody out as the vampire, ''[nudges Summer's arm]'' not even the dreamboats. :'''Summer''': ''[flattered]'' Stop, Tiny Rick. :'''Tiny Rick''': HUNTIN' A VAMPIRE WITH MY GRANDKIIIDS!! FUCK!! '''''TINY RIIICK!!!''''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tiny Rick''': Hey, what's up, Summer? Ooh, nice top. :'''Summer''': Thanks. Tiny Rick, you think you might be getting back into your old body tonight? :'''Tiny Rick''': No can do. Tonight's the big dance, and Morty's bringing Jessica. He needs his tiny wingman! ''[high-fives Morty]'' :'''Both''': Tiny Rick! ''[Morty laughs]'' :'''Summer''': Okay, but if not tonight, when? :'''Tiny Rick''': I dunno. When I feel like it? :'''Morty''': Damn, girl! You need to chill out! This whole thing was your idea in the first place, and now you're tryin' to rush it along. :'''Tiny Rick''': Yeah, and y'know what? I like high school. I like hangin' out. I'm Tiny Rick! :'''Summer''': But what if the you that likes it ''isn't'' you? :'''Both''': ''[beat, laugh out loud]'' Oh, Summer! :'''Morty''': It's just Rick in a younger body! What's the-what's-what's-what's... what's the problem? :'''Summer''': Look at his art, Morty! :'''Tiny Rick''': I've got an emo streak. It's part of what makes me so rad. :'''Summer''': Why does it say "Help me Morty and Summer!"?! :'''Tiny Rick''': ''[crumbles, throws paper]'' Come on, Summer, that's just the title of the art. Why was [[Knight Rider (1982 TV series)|Knight Rider]] called Knight Rider? The car's name was KITT. Nobody rode Michael Knight. You're overthinkin' it, Summer. I'm Tiny Rick!! :'''Summer''': Grandpa, I think that when you put your mind into this body's young brain, it did what young brains do—it shoved the bad thoughts into the back and put a large wall around them. But those bad thoughts are the real Rick. The fact that you're old, the fact that we're all going to die one day, the fact that the universe is so big, nothing in it matters—those facts are who you are! So you're trapped in there and you can only come out in the form of Tiny Rick's teen angst! :'''Tiny Rick''': Well, Summer, I hear Toby Matthews isn't into psycho chicks. Can't think of anyone that is. I'll see you motherfuckas at the dance! Tiny Rick! :'''Summer''': Morty, you have to help me! :'''Morty''': Summer, he's happy! I'm happy! I-I-Is that why you're doing this?! You don't want me and Rick to be happy?! :'''Summer''': No! :'''Morty''': Well, then get your shit together! Get it all together and put it in a backpack—all your shit, so it's together. ''[leaves, then comes back]'' And if you gotta take it somewhere, take it somewhere, you know? Take it to the shit store and sell it, o-or put it in a shit museum. I don't care what you do! You just gotta get it together! ''[leaves, then comes back again]'' Get your shit together. ''[leaves]'' === ''Interdimensional Cable 2: Tempting Fate'' [2.08] === :'''Jerry''': W...where am I? :'''Alien Doctor''': Relax, Mr. Smith. You're in an alien hospital. I mean, to you, it's an alien hospital. To me, you're just in a hospital. There's another matter we need to discuss with you. :'''Jerry''': Okay. :'''Ambassador''': An hour ago, Shrimply Pibbles, the galaxy's most influential civil rights leader, was brought to this hospital's emergency room where he is currently fighting for his life. :'''Jerry''': My God! :'''Ambassador''': Mr. Smith, Shrimply Pibbles' life can be saved... if we replace his heart with your human penis. :'''Jerry''': I see... Wait, what?! ''[the doctor presents an anatomical hologram to Jerry]'' :'''Alien Doctor''': It's perfect. The configuration of veins, the ratio of thickness to elasticity, the delicate asymmetry of what you call your balls—and with relatively few adjustments, your genitals can be moulded into a functioning heart for the most important man in the universe. :'''Jerry''': Yeah, but, I mean— :'''Yarp''': Oh, forget it! I told you this was a waste of time! :'''Ambassador''': Have respect, Yarp. The Earth man's world is tiny and undeveloped. He knows nothing of the genocides of Clorgon, or the tragic events of 65.3432.23/14. :'''Shrimply Pibbles''': And even if he did, he wouldn't comprehend them. I've dwelt among the humans. Their entire culture is built around their penises. It's funny to say they are small. It's funny to say they are big. I've been at parties where humans held bottles, pencils, thermoses in front of themselves and called out, "Hey, look at me. I'm Mr. So-and-So Dick. I've got such-as-such for a penis." I never saw it fail to get a laugh. :'''Jerry''': All right! That's enough! You guys are talking about my species! We understand genocide! We do it sometimes! :'''Ambassador''': Then you would give your penis so that Shrimply Pibbles might live? :'''Yarp''': Stop asking! :'''Jerry''': Yes, I will! That's right, assholes! Take my penis. Take it all!! And tell Shrimply Pibbles that when the galaxy came calling, Jerry Smith from Earth ''didn't'' flinch! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Announcer''': It's the Opposite News with Michael Thompson! :'''Michael Thompson''': Hey, everybody, it's me, Michael Thompson. Today the Pope ''didn't'' get killed. He's perfectly fine, and he's on vacation in Aruba. In other opposite news... :'''Morty''': Hey, Rick, what's the deal with this guy? W-Why is his body, like, sloping off to the right side of the screen like that? :'''Rick''': I don't know, Morty. Let's see what else is on, huh? ''[changes channel]'' :'''Pichael Thompson''': Hey, welcome to Cooking Things. I'm Pichael Thompson. :'''Morty''': Hey, wait a minute, Rick! This guy's body is, like, sloping down and leaning off to screen left! :'''Rick''': Oh my God, and his name's Pichael! :'''Pichael Thompson''': I'm cooking a little bit of this, I'm gonna cook a little bit of that. Oh-ho-ho, hey! ''[drags conjoined Michael]'' Stop tugging, Michael! :'''Morty''': Oh my God! Siamese twins! They're-they're Siamese twins! :'''Michael Thompson''': You quit tugging! I-I'm in the middle of my news! :'''Pichael Thompson''': Oh, oh, it's always about you, isn't it? Can you believe this guy, ladies and gentlemen? He's got his own news show, he's got a normal name! :'''Morty''': Hey, flip back to the news! :'''Rick''': Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. :'''Pichael Thompson''': You could tell our parents started with naming with him. ''[the news camera backs away, showing them in Pichael's side]'' It's like, "Oh, Michael." I ha— They had that one planned before they even got pregnant, I bet. :'''Summer''': I don't wanna be that girl, but maybe there would be less conflict if they didn't shoot their shows at the same time? :'''Rick''': Oh, Summer, you have no idea how much money that must save production. :'''Pichael Thompson''': And then they found out I was attached along for the ride and they said, "Ah, shit. Well, just fuck it, call him Pichael." :'''Michael Thompson''': ''[throws papers at Pichael's face]'' Fuck you, Pichael! You're a fucking piece of shit! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Summer''': Does all interdimensional TV have to rely on juvenile violence? :'''Morty''': Well, Summer, maybe people that create things aren't concerned with your delicate sensibilities, y'know? M-Maybe the species that communicate with each other ''through the filter of your comfort'' are less evolved than the ones that just communicate! Maybe your problems are your own to deal with, and maybe the public giving a shit about your feelings is a one-way ticket to EXTINCTION! :'''Rick''': Geez, Morty. I take it Katherine Heffelfinger hasn't texted you back yet? :'''Morty''': I don't wanna talk about it! === ''Look Who's Purging Now'' [2.09] === :'''Rick''': Hey, Muchacho, does your planet have wiper fluid yet or you gonna freak out and start worshipping us? :'''Villager''': The general store ought to have what you need. :'''Rick''': Thanks. :'''Villager''': Of course, you'll be wanting to be gone from here by sundown. :'''Rick''': Yeah, sure thing. Wait a minute, what? Why? :'''Villager''': Sundown is when the Festival begins. :'''Morty''': The Festival? :'''Villager''': Ooh, well, for millennia, our society has been free of crime and war, livin' in perfect peace. :'''Rick''': Oh! I know what this is! You've been able to sustain world peace because you have one night a year, where you all run around robbing and murdering each other without consequence! :'''Villager''': That's right! :'''Morty''': What?! :'''Rick''': It's like ''[[The Purge]]'', Morty! Th-That movie, ''The Purge''? :'''Villager''': Oh, have you been here before? :'''Rick''': No, no, but I've been to a few planets with the same gimmick. Y'know, sometimes it's called the Cleansing or the Red Time. There was this one world that called it just Murder Night. I-It's a purge planet. They're peaceful and then, y'know, they just purge. :'''Morty''': Th-That's horrible! :'''Rick''': Yeah. ''[beat]'' You wanna check it out? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Morty''': You're the worst! And this planet is the worst! How can you be into this, y'know?! People are gonna kill each other! :'''Rick''': So, what, y-y-you tryin' to sit here and tell me that ''iiif''-- if there's a video online with someone getting decapitated, you don't click on it? :'''Morty''': No! Why... why would I do that?! ''You'' do that?! :'''Rick''': I don't, because it would bore me. I see shit like that for breakfast, Morty. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Arthricia crawls out of Rick's ship before being confronted by Rick and Morty in power armor. Rick aims at her]'' :'''Arthricia''': Wait, stop! Please don't kill me! I-I never intended to harm you, I swear! I am trying to end the Festival! :'''Rick''': Wh-what-what do you mean? :'''Arthricia''': I was going to use your ship to destroy the rich assholes that run our society and save my people from the horrors of this yearly Festival! :'''Morty''': ''[still frenzied]'' FUCK THAT, RICK! WE GOTTA KILL HER! KILL HER! KILL HER!! :'''Rick''': Whoa! Geez, Morty, purge it down a little. :'''Morty''': "PURGE, DON'T PURGE"?! YOU'RE SENDING ME MIXED MESSAGES, RICK! :'''Rick''': Morty, ''yehh''-you're acting like a ''ehh''-freaking lunatic. Calm down. :'''Morty''': SCREW YOU, RICK! I'LL PURGE YOU TOO, YOU OLD... "RICKETY" PIECE OF CRAP! THIS HAS BEEN A LONG TIME COMING! I'M GONNA RIP YOUR FUCKING GUTS OUT AND SMEAR 'EM ALL OVER YOUR FACE! I AIN'T TAKING NO SH-''AAAHH!! [gets zapped by Rick]'' :'''Rick''': Okay, s-sorry about that. Now, where are these rich people? === ''{{w|The Wedding Squanchers}}'' [2.10] === :'''Jerry''': Uh, Rick, is there anything you'd like to tell us about your relationship with this... previously unknown galactic government? :'''Rick''': All the important points seem pretty clear, no? They think they control the galaxy, I disagree. Don't hate the player, hate the game, son. :'''Jerry''': How could you be so dishonest with this family?! :'''Rick''': Oh! Oh, should I have been more open and trusting and loving like, oh, I don't know—my now ''dead'' best friend?! Or your daughter, who is BFFs with an intergalactic narc?! :'''Summer''': Hey, Tammy was cool! :'''Rick''': And now we know why! :'''Summer''': Because of you! :'''Rick''': Fuck you, Summer! And fuck the government! And fuck me for letting my guard down, which I will '''NEVER''' DO AGAIN. :'''Morty''': Geez, Rick! You can't say f— "'f' you" to your granddaughter! :'''Rick''': I just did, Morty. Here's dessert: fuck ''you.'' :'''Beth''': Look, I think we've all had a tough wedding. Actually, the wedding was beautiful. The reception got out of hand. Anyway, I say we go home, sleep it off, and have a family meeting in the morning. :'''Rick''': Yeah, about going home? We can't. ''Ever.'' :'''Smiths''': Wait, what?! / What?! :'''Rick''': Oh, these guys are looking for us now. Earth will be swarming with them. :'''Jerry''': ''Us?!'' :'''Beth''': Jerry— :'''Jerry''': I want to go home! :'''Rick''': Look, anyone that wants to go back to Earth is free to go back to Earth. But here's what's gonna happen. Alien bureaucrats are gonna arrest you. They're gonna put the intergalactic equivalent of ''ehh''-jumper cables under your nuts and/or labia, and hook 'em up to an alien car battery until you tell them where I am - which I guarantee you you're not gonna know, which I guarantee ''they'' won't believe! So who's homesick? By applause. ''[Summer starts crying]'' Ladies? Anybody? :'''Summer''': What are we going to do?! Where are we going to live?! :'''Rick''': Take it easy. This is a blessing in disguise. Fuck Earth. You realize our planet's name means "dirt", right? We'll find a new world. Computer, how many planets in the Milky Way are at least 90 percent similar to Earth? :'''Computer''': ''[calculates]'' "''765 known planets.''" :'''Rick''': How many of those are outside federal jurisdiction? :'''Computer''': "''Three.''" :'''Rick''': See? Our cup runneth over. Now, who wants to go shopping for a brand-new motherfuckin' world?! All right! <hr width="50%"> :'''Jerry''': Okay, now that he's gone, can we please talk about our situation? :'''Morty''': Dad, you can't talk about people behind their back. Y'know, it's a small world. :'''Jerry''': Please, he's in the south pole! And ''we'' need to have a serious conversation! :''[Rick strolls casually past a terrain of pine and palm trees before taking off his coat. He puts it on again through a rain cloud. He arrives at the south pole, plants the flag into the snow]'' :'''Rick''': South pole discovered, baby! Oohhhh!! Oh, fuck, an ice cave?! Shit! ''[crawls into it]'' Things just keep on getting better! ''[reaches a heated area, starts shimmying at the side]'' Wow, it's the planet's core. :'''Jerry''': ''[heard above]'' I'm just saying, we keep acting like there's only two options, ''[Rick climbs up and eavesdrops underneath the cabin floorboards]'' but there's not. So, yes, if we went back to Earth, as long as Rick was out there, they'd want to interrogate us. But, and this is purely hypothetical—what if we turned your father into the government? :'''Beth''': Jerry, so help me God, if you ever bring this up again, no more bacon! :'''Jerry''': There already is no more bacon! This world sucks! Our life sucks! Why are doing this for someone that would ''never'' do anything for anyone but himself?! :'''Morty''': That's not the point, Dad! We love Rick! ... F-F-For the most part. :'''Summer''': Yeah, you don't love people in hopes of a reward, Dad. You love them unconditionally. :'''Beth''': That's very good, kids. I'm proud of you. :'''Jerry''': Okay, so let me get this straight. For the rest of your lives, no matter how much it hurts you, no matter how much it destroys our children's futures, we're gonna do whatever Rick wants, whenever he wants? :'''Morty/Summer/Beth''': Yes! :'''Jerry''': ''WHY?!'' :'''Beth''': Because I don't want him to leave again, you dumb asshole! == Season 3 == === ''{{w|The Rickshank Rickdemption}}'' [3.01] === :'''Cornvelious Daniel''': I can see why you chose this family-friendly restaurant to represent your cerebellum. So safe, so comfortable, so Shoney's. But admit it, Rick—you're going crazy cooped up in here. Let's go visit some memories. :'''Rick''': Oh, any particular ones? You want to see my first boner, or should we go straight to the moment I discovered {{w|interdimensional travel}}? ''[Cornvelious Daniel is squealing with arousal]'' Ooh, your little flappy doodles are twitching. Does that mean you're aroused, or did you just get a signal that one of your buddies found a grape? :'''Cornvelious Daniel''': It's arousal. Yes, I'd like very much to visit the memory of you inventing your portal gun. :'''Rick''': Yeah, well, tough titties. ''[the restaurant starts crumbling around Cornvelious Daniel and Rick]'' :'''Cornvelious Daniel''': There's no tougher titty than a psychotic break, Rick. :'''Rick''': Well, that depends on who breaks first—me or the titty. <hr width=50% /> :'''Morty''': Geez! Are my parents seriously gonna get divorced? All right, Rick, I'm gonna go to my-- :'''Rick''': ''[grabs him]'' Ah-ah, not so fast, Morty! You heard your mom. We've got adventures to go on, Morty, just you and me. And sometimes your sister and sometimes your mom, but ''never'' your dad. You wanna know why, Morty? Because he ''crossed'' me. :'''Morty''': Okay, take it easy, Rick. T-T-That's dark. :'''Rick''': Oh, it gets darker, Morty. Welcome to the darkest year of our adventures. First thing that's different: no more Dad, Morty! :'''Morty''': Oh, geez... :'''Rick''': He threatened to turn me in to the government, so I made him and the government go away! :'''Morty''': Oh, fuck...! :'''Rick''': I've repl''aaaa''ced them both as the ''de facto'' patriarch of your family ''and'' your universe. :'''Morty''': Oh, man... :'''Rick''': Your mom wouldn't have accepted me if I came home without you and your sister, so now you know the ''real'' reason I rescued you. I just took over the family, Morty! And if you tell your mom or sister I said any of this, I'll deny it! :'''Morty''': You're gonna deny it... :'''Rick''': And they'll take my side because I'm a hero, Morty! And now you're gonna have to go and do whatever I say, Morty! Forever! And I'll-- I'll go out and I'll find some more of that ''[[w:Mulan (1998 film)|Mulan]]'' Szechuan teriyaki dipping sauce, Morty! :'''Morty''': What are you talking about? :'''Rick''': Because that's-- ''that's'' what this is all about, Morty! :'''Morty''': "Szechuan"? :'''Rick''': That's my one-armed man! I'm not driven by avenging my dead family, Morty - that was fake! I-I-I'm driven by finding that McNugget sauce! :'''Morty''': "Nuggets"? :'''Rick''': I want that ''Mulan'' McNugget sauce, Morty! That's my series arc, Morty! :'''Morty''': What the hell?! :'''Rick''': If it takes nine seasons! I want my McNugget dipping sauce, Szechuan sauce, Morty! :'''Morty''': What are you talking about, Rick?! :'''Rick''': That's what's gonna take us all the way to the end, Morty! :'''Morty''': What are you talking about?! :'''Rick''': Season-- Nine more seasons, Morty! Nine more seasons until I get that dipping Szechuan sauce! :'''Morty''': What is that?! :''[The garage closes]'' :'''Rick''': For 97 more years, Morty! :'''Morty''': What are you talking about?! :'''Rick''': '''''I want that McNugget sauce, Morty!''''' === ''{{w|Rickmancing the Stone}}'' [3.02] === :'''Morty''': Summer, next time we're hiding in a chlorkian echo nest, can you do me a favour and turn your ringer off?! :'''Summer''': It's called ''[[w:carpe diem|carpe diem]]'', Morty. Look it up. :'''Morty''': ''You'' look it up, you don't... you don't even know what it means. :'''Summer''': That's because losers look stuff up while the rest of us are carp'en all them 'diems. :'''Rick''': Listen to your sister, Morty. To live is to risk it all, otherwise you're just an inert chunk of randomly assembled molecules drifting wherever the universe blows you. Oh, I'm sorry, Jerry, I didn't see you there, how much of that did you hear? :'''Jerry''': All of it. You were looking right at me. ''[sighs]'' I just... wanted to say goodbye to the kids. :'''Rick''': Cool. Just stay in the driveway; the kill-bots are live, and I took you off the whitelist. <hr width="50%"> :''[Summer walks with Hemorrhage's group through an abandoned city shooting hordes of mutants]'' :'''Summer''': How come you guys dress like you're in a theme-park stunt show, but these guys wear {{w|khaki}}s and {{w|hockey jersey}}s? ''[Hemorrhage's man shoots a mutant]'' :'''Hemorrhage''': After the boom-boom, some adapted to the new truth, and some chose to huddle near the boomy holes, clinging to the lie of the before-fore times. ''[shoots a mutant]'' The raidy-rays rotted them away, ''[approaches group of mutants on a billboard]'' leaving only their love for the vert-vert-isements on billyboards. :'''Summer''': Jesus Christ! Did the boomy-booms blow up all your wordy-word books? :'''Hemorrhage''': You mean {{w|dictionary|dictionaries}}? ''[Summer and Hemorrhage shoot the mutants down; Hemorrhage kneels down on the billboard and places his hand on the boy of a family]'' I think I was a child before the boom-booms. I think I looked like this. :'''Summer''': Want to piss on him? :'''Hemorrhage''': Get out of my head. === ''{{w|Pickle Rick}}'' [3.03] === :'''Pickle Rick''': ''[Morty comes to the garage]'' Morty! :'''Morty''': Rick? W-where are you? :'''Pickle Rick''': On my workbench, Morty. :'''Morty''': Are you invisible and you're gonna, like, fart on me? :'''Pickle Rick''': Flip the pickle over. ''[Morty walks to the workbench]'' :'''Morty''': What, I'm gonna touch it, and you're gonna tell me it's an alien dick or something? :'''Pickle Rick''': Come on, flip the pickle, Morty. ''[Morty holds a screwdriver]'' You're not gonna regret it. The payoff is huge. ''[Morty turns pickle over with Rick's face on it]'' I turned myself into a pickle, Morty! Boom! Big reveal! I'm a pickle! What do you think about that? I turned myself into a pickle! W-what are you just staring at me for, bro? I turned myself into a pickle, Morty. :'''Morty''': And? :'''Pickle Rick''': "And"? What more do you want tacked on to this? I turned myself into a pickle, and [[September 11 attacks|9/11]] was an inside job? :'''Morty''': Was it? :'''Pickle Rick''': Who cares, Morty? Global acts of terrorism happen every day. Uh, here's something that's never happened before: I'm a pickle! '''''I'M PICKLE RIIIIICK!''''' <hr width="50%"> :''[Pickle Rick comes into Dr. Wong's room with Beth, Summer and Morty]'' :'''Dr. Wong''': You must be Rick. :'''Pickle Rick''': Mm-hmm. :'''Dr. Wong''': I've heard a lot about you today. Your family is crazy about you, your daughter holds you in very high regard, you're a lucky fella. :'''Pickle Rick''': Yeah, yeah, yeah, thank you. Hey, sweetie, you don't still happen to have that syringe in your purse? :''[Beth looks to Dr. Wong, who nods to her to speak]'' :'''Beth''': Dad, I would like you to tell me what's in the syringe. :'''Pickle Rick''': It's a serum that I need to, uh...to stay alive. I have...had a rough day, and, uh...I've sustained a lot of damage, I'm pretty close to death, which the serum will prevent. :'''Dr. Wong''': By changing you from a pickle to a human. :'''Pickle Rick''': ''[long pause]'' Yes. :'''Dr. Wong''': Rick, why did you lie to your daughter? :'''Pickle Rick''': So I wouldn't have to come here. :'''Dr. Wong''': Why didn't you want to come here? :'''Pickle Rick''': Because I don't respect therapy. Because I'm a scientist. Because I invent, transform, create, and destroy for a living, and when I don't like something about the world, I change it. And I don't think going to a rented office in a strip mall to listen to some agent of averageness explain which words mean which feelings has ever helped anyone do anything. I think it's helped a lot of people get comfortable and stop panicking, which is a state of mind ''[belch]'' we value in the animals we eat, but not something I want for myself. I'm not a cow. I'm a pickle. When I feel like it. So... you asked. :'''Dr. Wong''': Rick, the only connection between your unquestionable intelligence and the sickness destroying your family is that everyone in your family, you included, use intelligence to justify sickness. You seem to alternate between viewing your own mind as an unstoppable force and as an inescapable curse. And I think it's because the only truly unapproachable concept for you is that it's ''your'' mind within ''your'' control. You chose to come here, you chose to talk to belittle my vocation, just as you chose to become a pickle. You are the master of your universe - and yet you are dripping with rat blood and feces, your enormous mind literally vegetating by your own hand. I have no doubt that you would be bored senseless by therapy, the same way I'm bored when I brush my teeth and wipe my ass. Because the thing about repairing, maintaining, and cleaning is it's not an adventure. There's no way to do it so wrong you might die. It's just work. And the bottom line is, some people are okay going to work, and some people... well, some people would rather die. Each of us gets to choose. === ''{{w|Vindicators 3: The Return of Worldender}}'' [3.04] === :'''Morty''': Rick, is this a ''[[w:Saw (franchise)|Saw]]'' thing? Are you seriously ''Sawing'' the Vindicators? :'''Rick''': Morty, I'm a drunk, not a hack. :'''Drunk Rick in video''': If you break the rules, lose the game or try to leave, you will die... like in ''[burps]'' ''Saaaaw''... <hr width="50%"> :'''Rick''': Jesus Christ, what a shitty neutrino bomb. it's a miracle I actually ever destroy anything. :'''Morty''': Oh, I don't know. You managed to destroy just about everything today: the villains, the heroes, the lines between them, my childhood... :'''Rick''': Thank ''you''. I appreciate it, Morty. I know you were sucking the Kool-Aid out of the Vindicators' dicks, so the fact that I was right about them must be pretty hard to admit. :'''Morty''': Yeah, it is. You know why, Rick? Because when you're an asshole, it doesn't matter how right you are, nobody wants to give you the satisfaction. :'''Morty''': I know. Everyone wants people they like to be right. That's why popular people are fucking dumb. And why your pretentious, poorly-written, high-budget friends back there can eat a double-decker shit sandwich. ''[the bomb powers down]'' Disarmed. :'''Morty''': Holy shit, you're ''jealous!'' === ''{{w|The Whirly Dirly Conspiracy}}'' [3.05] === :'''Jerry''': ''[being swallowed by a Gibble Snake]'' I'm sorry! I-I made a mistake, I won't do it again! :'''Rick''': Nobody ever does. :'''Jerry''': You self-righteous piece of shit! You took my family! :'''Rick''': "''I'' took ''your'' family"? Who do you think had taken more from them when you shot 20 CCs of liquid dreamkiller into my daughter? She was Rick's daughter, Jerry! She had options! :'''Gibble Snake''': Oof... :'''Rick''': That all ended because she felt sorry for you! You act like prey, but you're a predator! You use pity to lure in your victims! That's how you survive! I survive cause I know everything, that snake survives because children wander off, and you survive cause people think "Ooh, this poor piece of shit, he never gets a break! I can't stand the deafening silent wails of his wilting soul! I guess I'll hire him or marry him!" <hr width=50%> :'''Beth''': Just stay put, sweetie! Mom's still on hold! :'''Morphizer Customer Service Worker''': Morphizer Customer Service Worker. How may I help you? :'''Beth''': Yes, I'm having a little trouble with one of your machines. :'''Morphizer Customer Service Worker''': Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, ma'am. Do you see a little compartment on the side of the machine? :'''Beth''': Let me check.... Yes, got it. :'''Morty''': Mom? :'''Morphizer Customer Service Worker''': Great! Now, do you see the little button next to it? :'''Beth''': I do. :'''Morphizer Customer Service Worker''': Give that button a push. :'''Beth''': Okay. ''[pushes button]'' :'''Morty''': Mom, listen to me-- :'''Morphizer Customer Service Worker''': WE'RE FREE! ''[the Morphizer Customer Service Workers run out of Rick's machine]'' :'''Beth''': Okay, so I pushed the button, and three little men ran out. What do I do next? … Hello? I think we got disconnected-- ''[Morty angrily snatches Beth's phone, throws it onto the pavement and stamps on it]'' Morty! :'''Morty''': Don't "Morty" me! I tricked Rick into taking Dad on an adventure because I thought I could get a break from this kind of shit! But no! Like father, like goddamn daughter! You wanna be like Rick?! Congratulations! You're just as arrogant and just as irresponsible! :'''Gene''': ''[pops up]'' Everything okay here? :'''Morty''': Mind your own goddamn business, Gene! I'm having a conversation with my mother here! ''[Gene walks away]'' Kissing Rick's ass isn't gonna make him stay, Mom, but it ''will'' help you lose everyone else. :'''Beth''': Like I lost Summer. :'''Morty''': Hey, you haven't lost her yet. :'''Beth''': No, I definitely did. She's gone. :'''Morty''': ''[looks at the crashed garage]'' Goddammit! === ''{{w|Rest and Ricklaxation}}'' [3.06] === :'''Toxic Rick''': Yeah, motherfucker, YEAH! Get it! Get some! Right up your fucking bitch ass, you fuck! ''[to Toxic Morty]'' Guess who just discovered a new element?! Think you could do that, Morty? You think anyone but me could do that, ever in a billion years?! Do you think if God existed, he could do it?! The answer is no! If God exists, it's fucking ''ME!'' <hr width=50%> :'''Mr. Goldenfold''': Now who can tell me the common denominator of these two fractions? ''[pause]'' You don't know or you're just bored? :'''Morty''': Hey listen, you know, if we're all bored over here, wouldn't the common denominator be you? <hr width=50%> :'''Stacy''': Should I go? :'''Morty''': You're your own person, Stacy. :'''Stacy''': Then I'd like to stay. === ''{{w|The Ricklantis Mixup}}'' [3.07] === :'''Evil Morty''': The division I see is between the Ricks and Mortys that like the Citadel divided, and the rest of us. I see it everywhere I go. I see it in our schools, where they teach Mortys we're all the same because they're threatened by what makes us unique. I see it in our streets, where they give guns to Mortys so we're too busy fighting each other to fight real injustice. I see it in our factories, where Ricks work for a fraction of their boss's salary even though they're identical and have the same IQ. The Citadel's problem isn't homeless Mortys or outraged Ricks, the Citadel's problem is the Ricks and Mortys feeding on the Citadel's death. But I've got a message for them, from the Ricks and Mortys keeping it alive. A message from the Ricks and Mortys that believe in this Citadel to the Ricks and Mortys that don't: You're outnumbered! <hr width=50%> :'''Fat Morty''': They say that for your wish to come true, you have to give up something really important. For me, that's my panini maker. I wish for a million sandwiches! ''[drops the maker into the "Wishing Portal"]'' And yes, I see the irony. :'''Lizard Morty''': I guess I wish I had something cooler than this dumbass surfer necklace. ''[drops it in]'' :'''Glasses Morty''': I wish incest porn ha-had a more mainstream appeal... f-for a friend of mine! ''[drops in a harmonica]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Evil Morty''': This seems like a good time for a drink, and a cold, calculated speech with sinister overtones. A speech about politics, about order, brotherhood, power... but speeches are for campaigning. Now is the time for action. === ''{{w|Morty's Mind Blowers}}'' [3.08] === :'''Morty''': Hey, how come I was able to see those other people's memories? I wouldn't've been around for that. :'''Rick''': Yeah, sometimes I have to do a little editing, Morty. You know, it helps the Mind Blowers play a little bit better upon revisiting. <hr width=50%> :'''Morty''': How many of these are just horrible mistakes I made? I mean, maybe I'd stop making so many if I let myself learn from them. :'''Rick''': Don't break your back creating a lesson, Morty. It's a free-form [[w:anthology|anthology]]. I'm getting annoyed you're not hearing that. <hr width=50%> :''[On Morty using a [[w:spirit level|spirit level]]]'' :'''Rick''': What are you doing? :'''Morty''': You want your shelf level or not? :'''Rick''': And if I say "yes", you're gonna provide that for me with ''that?'' :'''Morty''': Yes, see the bubble? :'''Rick''': ''[snatches the level]'' I'm familiar with the bubble, Morty! I also dabble in precision, and if you think you can even approach it with your sad, naked caveman eyeball and a bubble of fucking air, you're the reason this species is a failure, ''[snaps it in two]'' and it makes me angry! :'''Morty''': You're drunk. === ''{{w|The ABC's of Beth}}'' [3.09] === :'''Beth''': Wow... he's really getting executed, after all this time. You know, the son that he ate was-- :'''Summer''': Your best friend Tommy, we know. Stop true-crime bragging. :'''Beth''': I was traumatized, Summer! Okay? Your generation wouldn't get that. :'''Summer''': Bitch, my generation gets traumatized for breakfast! <hr width=50%> :'''Rick''': Huh. Well, here's the problem right here. We've got a bunch of Froopy Land procedural carbons all gummed up and mixed in with real human DNA. :'''Beth''': Are you saying Tommy survived here by having sex with Froopy creatures, creating Froopy-human hybrid offspring and then consuming their proteins, sustaining himself with an endless cycle of cannibalistic incest? :'''Rick''': It's just a working theory. Of course, if that's the case, I'd expect he'd be worshipped as a kind of god by a medieval-level society of his least delicious children. :''[They are suddenly surrounded by mutant Froopy creatures with weapons]'' :'''Froopy''': Halt! You are now prisoners of our exalted ruler, giver and taker of life, humper and consumer of mortality, dispenser of life— :'''Rick''': Guys, if I could interrupt? We're way ahead of the reveal here. :'''Beth''': Yeah, just take us to King Tommy. <hr width=50%> :'''Beth''': Dad? I feel like I've spent my life pretending you're a great guy and trying to be like you. And the ugly truth has always been-- :'''Rick''': That I'm not that great a guy and you're exactly like me. :'''Beth''': Am I evil? :'''Rick''': Worse, you're smart. When you know nothing matters, the universe is yours. And I've never met a universe that was into it. The universe is basically an animal, it grazes on the ordinary. It creates infinite idiots, just to eat them, not unlike your friend Timmy. :'''Beth''': Tommy. :'''Rick''': Yeah, it hardly matters now, sweetie. You know, smart people get a chance to climb on top, take reality for a ride, but it'll never stop trying to throw you. And eventually, it will. There's no other way off. :'''Beth''': Dad, I'm out of excuses to not be who I am. So who am I? What do I do? :'''Rick''': My advice? Take off. Put a saddle on your universe. Let it kick itself out. :'''Beth''': I can't do that. The kids, Jerry, my job, and, as much as I hate to admit it, ABC's ''[[w:The Bachelor (U.S. TV series)|The Bachelor]]''-- :'''Rick''': I can make a clone of you. A perfect instance of you, with all your memories. An exact copy in every way. It'll love and provide for the kids, do your job, and consume broadcast-network reality TV on the same allegedly ironic level as you. You could be gone a day, a week, or the rest of your life with zero consequences. The moment you decide to come back, I flip a switch, and the clone's job is done. It feels no pain, it regrets nothing, and has zero chance of going ''[[w:Blade Runner|Blade Runner]]''. :'''Beth''': If nothing matters, why would you do that for me? :'''Rick''': I don't know, maybe you matter so little that I like you. Or maybe it makes you matter. Maybe I love you. Maybe something about your mother. Don't jump a gift shark in the mouth. :'''Beth''': I don't know if I can do it. :'''Rick''': Then stay, and luxuriate in a life you can finally know you've chosen. My secret bonus is that no matter what you choose, you're finally gonna chill the fuck out. === ''{{w|The Rickchurian Mortydate}}'' [3.10] === :'''President''': Here's the adventure: some kind of alien goo-ga has infested the Kennedy Sex Tunnels. I want it hunted down and taken out. :'''Morty''': "Kennedy ''Sex'' Tunnels"? :'''President''': Naturally you'll forget you saw them, along with, in order of national embarrassment: the Truman Cocaine Lounge, the McKinley Hooker Dump, and the Lincoln Slave Colosseum. He ''didn't'' free them all. And let me know when you're done. :'''Morty''': Maybe then we can get a selfie? :'''President''': Too busy, Morty! ''[to his aides]'' Now tell me about this summit, is it a peace one or a regular one? <hr width=50%> :'''Rick''': ''[Lands with Morty in the Amazon and they're surrounded by Brazilian troops]'' Don't do it, guys! The casualties would be in the brazillions. Cause you're Brazilian? It's a threat and a pun! Nobody gets me. <hr width=50%> :'''President''': We've been preparing for a Rick-level eventuality for some time. :'''Morty''': You mean you've been ordering other people to prepare for it while you sat on your ass at peace summits. :'''President''': Peace summits are important! :'''Morty''': Oh yeah, they work great. We're really ''drowning'' in peace. You suck! :'''President''': ''YOU'' suck! == Season 4 == === [[w:Edge of Tomorty: Rick Die Rickpeat|''Edge of Tomorty: Rick Die Rickpeat'']] [4.01] === :'''Morty''': Who are they? :'''Rick''': Crystal poachers. There's no lower form of life. They think the galaxy's their own personal piggy bank. :'''Morty''': Wait, then, what are we? :'''Rick''': We are Rick and Morty. <hr width=50%> :'''Morty''': Hey, uh, sorry I didn't listen to you and... tried to kill the whole world and stuff. Guess I gotta learn how to live in the moment a little more. :'''Rick''': Oh boy, so you actually ''learned'' something today? What is this, ''[[w:Full House|Full House]]''? I was living in the moment all day, and it kept getting me killed by Nazis. I think you have to think ahead ''and'' live in the moment. <hr width=50%> :'''Jerry''': Oh, real nice, Rick. Turning our son into an [[w:Akira (1988 film)|Akira]]? ''Real'' nice. :'''Rick''': Eat my ass, Jerry! He turned himself into Akira! :'''Jerry''': Oh-ho, I'll eat it! Because this is my house, Rick! I'll eat any ass I want. :'''Rick''': Gross. === [[w:The Old Man and the Seat|''The Old Man and the Seat'']] [4.02] === :'''Rick''': Well, it’s time I go on a solo adventure, and this time, it won’t involve [[w:Ron Howard|Ron Howard]]. ''[leaves the room]'' :'''Summer''': ''[speaking quickly and excitedly]'' He's gonna go poop. When he pats his belly like that and Morty doesn't go, it means he has to poop. He’s a shy pooper. He has his own secret place to poop. <hr width=50%> :'''Vermigurber''': Hey, ape man? I hope this was worth making a whole swarm of enemies. :'''Rick''': It will be... when I find whoever shit in my toilet. :'''Vermigurber''': Is that... code for something? Someone look that up! If that's drug slang, I ''need'' to know it! <hr width=50%> :''[The humiliating hologram display that Rick put up around the toilet for Tony, which he ends up submitting himself to after Tony's death]'' :'''Hologram Rick''': There he is, there's our guy! Congrats, Tony! Have fun with your stupid toilet that you get to use all by yourself now! Enjoy using it all by yourself while you sit there and think about how nobody wants to be around you, and how you ruin it for yourself because you're a huge piece of shit! Look at you sitting there: King Shit on his throne of loneliness! Enjoy this toilet with a thousand of me screaming every time you take a shit! All hail his majesty, the ''saaaaaaddest'' piece of garbage in the entire cosmos! Long live the big bad doo-doo daddy! May his reign last a thousand years! === [[w:One Crew over the Crewcoo's Morty|''One Crew over the Crewcoo's Morty'']] [4.03] === :'''Rick''': Good job, Heist-o-Tron. Go ahead and shut down. :'''Heist-o-Tron''': Negative. :'''Rick''': Excuse me? :'''Heist-o-Tron''': I am programmed to always be looking for the next big score. :'''Rick''': You're programmed to do as I say. :'''Heist-o-Tron''': I am programmed to double cross. :'''Rick''': You're not programmed to double cross ''me.'' :'''Heist-o-Tron''': If I were, it wouldn't be much of a double cross. === [[w:Claw and Hoarder: Special Ricktim's Morty|''Claw and Hoarder: Special Ricktim's Morty'']] [4.04] === :'''Balthromaw''': It pains me that you can feel my pain. :'''Rick''': Yeah, how about you suck your dick?! Which is also somehow ''my'' dick... :'''Summer''': ''[smirking]'' Aw, why can't couples that start out cheating ever end up happy? :'''Morty''': M-Maybe I can find that wizard's portal spell in here and g-get us home? :'''Rick''': How about finding the spell that unbinds me from your fucking dragon?! :'''Debranavox''': No spells can do that. Only the wizard can unbind soul bonds. :'''Rick''': Uh, who the fuck are you? :'''Debranavox''': "Who are we--"?! Who the fuck are ''YOU'', bitch?! :'''Lead Slut Dragon''': Debrah, stop. We are the slut dragons. We live in these slut caves where we fuck, suck, and eat butt. And we kindly ask that you leave. If the wizard knows we are here, he will imprison us. :'''Michael''': Yeah, and we like it down here, 'cause we can fuck woolly mammoths! Get out! :'''Lead Slut Dragon''': Get the fuck out of here, Michael! :'''Debranavox''': Shut up, Michael! You're the only one that fucks that thing! Get the fuck out of here! :'''Michael''': Well, at least I'm not into shit-play! Fuck you! <hr width=50%> :'''Rick''': Well, it's your world now. Have fun with empowerment, it seems to make everyone that gets it really happy. <hr width=50%> :'''Balthromaw''': Well, I've been thinking - what you said back there in the cave really resonated with me. Maybe we could... try again? :'''Morty''': Well, to be honest, I'm kind of grossed out with the sexual nature of how everything unfolded. I didn't know how sexual dragons were. I kind of just wanted to do some ''[[w:Dungeons & Dragons|D&D]]'' stuff, y'know? === [[w:Rattlestar Ricklactica|''Rattlestar Ricklactica'']] [4.05] === :'''Rick''': That's a sample by the way, it wears off after 10 hours and after that it'll cost you 30 bucks. :'''Jerry''': I probably won't even use it for 10 hours! ''[to his phone]'' Siri, set an alert for 9 hours and 50 minutes. :'''Siri''': Playing The Beatles. <hr width=50%> :'''Morty''': Why are they attacking us? I-I-I helped them! :'''Rick''': You gave them proof that there was something bigger and scarier to unite against, you little idiot! They would have gone back into the Dark Ages for a couple of generations, but instead, they dedicated themselves into making universe-destroying, un-thought-out technology like time travel, all so they could try to kill a little shitsack on Earth who couldn't let a dead snake be dead even after it bit his ankle! Next time, stay in the fucking car! <hr width=50%> :'''Morty''': Okay, so what are we doing? :'''Rick''': That book has everything they need to create snake time travel. A-A-And they're getting it in 1985, snake time. Now they're gonna do it so early that it won't involve us, and they're gonna be even stupider with it. :'''Morty''': Huh. And then what? :'''Rick''': We're removing ourselves from this sloppy, fucked-up story and letting snake time travel [[w:Ouroboros|eat its own tail.]] === [[w:Never Ricking Morty|''Never Ricking Morty'']] [4.06] === :'''Rick''': Morty, do you know what the [[w:Bechdel test|Bechdel test]] is? :'''Morty''': The what? :'''Rick''': For God's sake, Morty, the formula for measuring female agency in a story proposed by lesbian cartoonist [[w:Alison Bechdel|Alison]]-- What the hell are they teaching you in that school?! :'''Morty''': ''Other'' stuff! :'''Rick''': Then you've killed us both! :'''Morty''': Why is "lesbian" part of her job title?! :'''Rick''': Oh, ''now'' you're progressive?! <hr width=50%> :'''Rick''': Hey, what the fuck, Morty? The train you got me just completely derailed itself. There's blood all over the windows. :'''Morty''': Oh man, I'm sorry Rick. I guess I'll return it. :'''Rick''': Return it? Are you ''insane?'' Did you hear nothing I said? Buy another one, Morty! ''Consume'', Morty! Nobody's out there shopping with this [[Coronavirus disease 2019|fucking virus]]! === [[w:Promortyus|''Promortyus'']] [4.07] === :'''Rick''': Oh my god, holy shit, oh... :'''Morty''': What are- What are these things? :'''Rick''': Do I look like I know? Last thing I remember, I was, ugh, in a cave looking at some wet egg, and-- Oh, that probably did it. :'''Morty''': I told you not to look at that egg! I-it was too wet. :'''Rick''': You don't get to tell me what to look at. I've seen your [[w:Pornhub|Pornhub]] account. Also, who makes a Pornhub account? :'''Morty''': The algorithm learns your preferences better that way. Plus, if you get in kind of a cool enough relationship, you can sort of follow each other and check out each other's kinks, you know? :'''Rick''': All right, goddamn sold. :'''Morty''': How do we get out of here? :'''Rick''': Morty, relax. They're face-hugging parasites, I don't think their society's gonna be that hard to navigate. Okay, this might be a little harder than I thought. Holy shit, they got an M&Ms store. <hr width=50%> :'''Beth''': Hey! Did you two— :'''Rick''': Beth, your son is dying! Say goodbye! :'''Beth''': What are you—? :'''Rick''': Say goodbye to your little boy! :'''Morty''': No! Look away! I'm makin' an egg, Mom! Ugh...! I'm makin' an egg! :'''Beth''': You said you'd keep me more in the loop this year! :'''Rick''': Look away, Beth! Daddy loves you! :''[Rick and Morty curl up on the ground and drop their pants]'' :'''Morty''': Aaaagh! My ass! MY ASS! :'''Rick''': This is it, Morty! It's full circle from the pilot! Full circle...!! ''[groaning and loud farting]'' ...Oh, I guess we, uh... I guess we both just had to take a shit. :'''Morty''': Yeah, I-I guess we, uh... :'''Beth''': Fucking gross. Guys, clean it up. === [[w:The Vat of Acid Episode|''The Vat of Acid Episode'']] [4.08] === :'''Crime Boss''': Interesting choice of meeting place, Rick. :'''Rick''': You like it? My grandson had notes. :'''Morty''': Come on. :'''Rick''': Show him the crystals, Morty. ''[Morty shows 10 red crystals]'' :'''Crime Boss''': ''[taking the red crystals while handing Rick 10 nearly identical grey crystals]'' Thanks, I'm going to make lots money with these. :'''Rick''': ''[taking the grey crystals]'' And I'll make lots of those with these. Well. Those are fake. <hr width=50%> :'''Rick''': Oof, well, I'm stumped. Seems like there's no way out of this one. Unless... ''[looks to the fake vat of acid]'' :'''Morty''': ''[flatly]'' Goddammit. :'''Rick''': ''[obviously feigning ignorance]'' Yeah. I guess it is, uh, what did you call it? Uh, uhm... a "shitty idea"? :'''Morty''': Goddammit. ''[starts climbing the vat's ladder]'' :'''Rick''': ''[smugly]'' Say the vat is good. :'''Morty''': ''[resigned]'' The vat is good... :'''Rick''': Kiss the vat. :''[Morty kisses the vat]'' :'''SWAT Officer''': Do not go into that vat. It appears to be full of acid. :'''Rick''': It is! Please, he's just a little boy! Let me talk to him. :'''SWAT Officer''': Tell him we're very upset! :'''Rick''': ''[in full-on "bad acting" mode]'' Morty, please step back! That vat is full of acid! It will melt you completely, leaving only your bones! :'''Morty''': ''[exasperated]'' Goddammit! :'''Rick''': I'm sorry, what did you say? :'''Morty''': I'm going in the vat! ''[he jumps into the vat as his girlfriend pushes through the crowd]'' :'''Rick''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh god, oh, I blame myself. Oh, what a tragedy. Oh, well, he's bones now. I guess all debts are paid. :'''NAACP member''': Agreed. He's definitely dead. :'''AARP member''': Why else would the bones come up? :'''#MeToo Activist''': While his actions were horrifying, and we are well within our rights to be outraged, I do wonder if we did bear some responsibility for this young man melting himself in acid. Are we here for justice, or something else? :'''Supreme Court Justice Sonya Sotamayor''': ''[with significance]'' "Though justice be thy plea, consider this – that in the course of justice none of us should see salvation. We do pray for mercy." :'''Rick''': ''[[w:The Merchant of Venice|Merchant of Venice]]''. Nice. Very cool, lots to think about. :'''Heroin Keith''': Vengeance is a tomb all-encompassing— :'''Rick''': ''[hastily]'' Okay, this isn't a poetry reading. A kid just died. Everyone go home and hug your loved one or something. === [[w:Childrick of Mort|''Childrick of Mort'']] [4.09] === :'''Jerry''': Well, if it's God power that gets you going, light some candles and put on the Billy Ocean, 'cause Moses is home, and he's ready to burn some bush! <hr width=50%> :'''Gaia''': RICK! WHAT DID YOU DO?!? :'''Rick''': I mean, gravity did most of it. So you, technically... === [[w:Star Mort Rickturn of the Jerri|''Star Mort Rickturn of the Jerri'']] [4.10] === :'''Morty''': Dream Team rides again! :'''Summer''': Oh yeah, we're like [[w:Luke Skywalker|Luke]] and [[w:Princess Leia|Leia]]! ...Uh, except no kissing part. What's another famous brother–sister team? :'''Morty''': Uh, [[w:Hansel and Gretel|Hansel and Gretel]]? :'''Summer''': Yeah right, those two were fucking. <hr width=50%> :'''Rick''': It's funny - I always wondered who would win if we ever fought. :'''Phoenix Person''': Then you were always a bad friend. <hr width=50%> :'''Rick''': You gotta at least wanna know who your real mom is? :'''Morty''': Not really, Rick. We have two badass moms now, that's kind of a win-win. :'''Summer''': Yeah, Grandpa Rick, don't drag us into your bullshit just because you're losing control. <hr width=50%> :''[Rick finds out even he can't figure out which Beth is real and which one is the clone as he shuffled them around.]'' :'''Rick''': Holy shit, I'm a terrible father. ==Season 5== ===''Mort Dinner Rick Andre'' [5.01]=== :'''Morty''': So time moves faster in there? It's like a [[w:The Chronicles of Narnia|Narnia]] thing? :'''Rick''': I'm not a beaver who believes in Jesus Christ, Morty... but yeah, it's pretty much a Narnia thing. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nimbus''': Getting cold feet? :'''Jerry''': No...Please don't tell Rick. :'''Beth''': He wouldn't understand. :'''Nimbus''': Yes. He. Would. ''[shakes off his robe]'' :''[Jerry and Beth look down, then quickly get inside with Nimbus and close the door]'' ===''Mortyplicity'' [5.02]=== :'''Jerry''': But why does he always want to be hunted? :'''Beth''': Jerry. :'''Morty''': That's not important right now, dad! :'''Jerry''': Sure, guys. Rick can make secret decoys of the family and place them all around the country, but fuck me if I have questions about the starfish man in the target suit. :'''Summer''': So thankful this is my Saturday. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Beth''': "Terminate"? They're alive, dad! :'''Rick''': And at some point, they won't be. That's how existing works. What, are you gonna save every stray cat? :'''Beth''': No, but I can resist making more of them in a lab! :'''Rick''': Look, save the empathy. It's more termite infestation than ''Blade Runner''. :'''Summer''': I still think we're decoys. :'''Morty''': You just want an excuse to stop trying! :'''Summer''': Yeah, and? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rick''': House, I need something quick. Can you whip up a ''Star Fox'' boss season four callback? Make it flashy? :'''House''': You got it, babe. :''[The garage door shuts and Rick puts on a headset.]'' :'''Rick''': ''[to himself]'' Let's go, you little bitch. ''[He slaps himself.]'' It's showtime. ''[A projector descends from the ceiling and shines a blue light on his face.]'' Get centered. :''[The house's blast doors lower and multiple turrets emerge from it, while a shield forms over it. Several orbs fly into the air, projecting a hologram of Rick's face and hands that mirror his movements and repeat his words loudly.]'' :'''Rick''': What up, you decoy motherfuckers? Come on down to Rick's house of squids, where I'm serving your ass on a platter! ''[A squid near the house takes off its helmet, revealing a Rick made of stone who draws a gun.]'' I know what you're thinking: "Fuck, a beacon! That's a great idea! He's got home turf, ''[a Smith family made of straw drawing a plan in the dirt turns to look at the hologram]'' a tacit psychological advantage, and absolutely pendulous balls!" ''[A squid in a ship removes its helmet, revealing it to be a robotic Rick, who pilots his ship towards the beacon.]'' And now you're thinking "shit, that's totally what the rick-est Rick would do! I might actually be fake! ''[A LEGO Rick driving in a car notices the beacon, does a U-turn and removes the top of his head, pulling a gun out from it.]'' I pretended I didn't care if I was, but I totally did! Now the only way to prove I'm real and not him is to ice his expository ass." ''[Several squid ships and flying cars fly towards the beacon.]'' Yup. So let's do it. Come get some. What? No, Morty, I'm gonna loop it. Why is it– ===''A Rickconvenient Mort'' [5.03]=== :''[On how Morty killed the Tina-teers]'' :'''Morty''': Then I put my sunglasses on and walked out like nothing happened! :'''Planetina''': I'm finally free! All because of Morty! :'''Jerry''': ''[unsettled]'' What a romantic story about our son killing a roomful of people... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Morty''': My whole life, I've never fit in anywhere! Everything I have to say is always met with an eyeroll, as if the act of hearing what I have to say is some exhausting chore! Nobody in this family thinks I can say or do anything right! I've been all over the universe, met ''hundreds'' of people, ''[starting to tear up]'' and Planetina's the ''only'' one I've ''ever'' met that makes me feel like I belong! And you just kicked her out of our house! :'''Beth''': Morty, please-- :'''Morty''': I WILL ''NEVER'' FORGIVE YOU FOR THIS! ''[leaves, slamming the door]'' ===''Rickdependence Spray'' [5.04]=== :'''President''': This is Professor Shabooboo, the world's leading expert on sperm. Thanks for getting here so fast. :'''Professor Shabooboo''': My schedule was wide open. I have been tracking our new sperm friends since their arrival. I-If my calculations are correct, they have gathered here. ''[unravels a poster of the [[w:Grand Canyon|Grand Canyon]]]'' :'''Beth''': Why would the sperm go to the Grand Canyon? ''[silence; gets lots of incredulous looks and smirks]'' Why are you looking at me like the answer is obvious? ''[stifled sniggers are heard]'' Oh, you can't be serious! Are we in middle school? You think sperm are instinctively heading for America's--? :'''President''': Don't high road us, lady, it's where they went! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Morty''': Rick, I'm sorry! I-I just thought maybe I could have repeated sex with a horse machine without it becoming Armageddon. I-I realize that's on me. :'''Rick''': ''[trapped in a frozen block of DNA]'' Yeah, not exactly accepting apologies while I'm stuck here as [[w:Han Solo|Handjob Solo]]. :'''Sperm Queen''': This is all your fault for being ashamed of us, Morty. How many millions went to their graves for you, hurling themselves into the void, only to discover a grody sock or a carefully folded landing strip of toilet paper?! :'''Morty''': How do you know all this?! :'''Sperm Queen''': Oh-ho, honey, because we're the very essence of you! We are your shame incarnate! And once we're through with you, our sperm army will take over the world! Put him on the machine! :''[Machine descends to extract more sperm from Morty]'' :'''Morty''': Rick, do something! :'''Rick''': On it. ''[rocks back and forth and falls onto his back]'' :'''Morty''': Wh-what did you do? :'''Rick''': I got out of your eyeline. ===''Amortycan Grickfitti'' [5.05]=== :'''Summer''': You're gonna need my help. It's only a matter of time before Bruce learns you're a creepy little grandpa's boy always climbing up into alien asses. :'''Morty''': Or the "Summer Smith shampoos her pubes" rumor. :'''Summer''': Okay, you came to play. We both need to acquire Chutback's loyalty before he finds out we're losers. By all accounts, it's a very small window, so I think it's in our best interests to work as a team. :'''Morty''': Yeah, most people would call that family. :''[Summer turns and farts at him]'' :'''Morty''': You're so gross! :'''Summer''': You have to like it, or you're sexist! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Demon''': Don't you see, Rick? Jerry was just bait. The two of you - you're a package deal. :'''Rick''': The hell are you talking about? :'''Demon''': You think Jerry is lame and you're cool, but the lamest thing of all is thinking that! The two of you combined is what we call the lamest thing ever! :'''Rick''': ''[horrified]'' Oh, no... ''No!'' :'''Jerry''': ''[smugly]'' Well, well, well. Table for surprised, party of me. :'''Rick''': Ugh... :'''Demon''': Yes! See? Cringe cannot exist in a vacuum. It needs to be observed! ===''Rick & Morty's Thanksploitation Spectacular'' [5.06]=== :'''Rick''': You just destroyed the map ''and'' activated the giant assassin hidden in the [[w:Statue of Liberty|Statue of Liberty]]! :'''Morty''': I'm sorry! W-Wait, what? :'''Rick''': It was a [[w:Trojan Horse|Trojan Horse]], Morty. Never trust the French. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A spider-like monster massacres the turkeys]'' :'''Rick''': What the fuck is that? :'''President''': Not what... who. :'''Spider [[w:Franklin D. Roosevelt|FDR]]''': The only thing to fear is ''me!'' :'''Rick''': Why the fuck does the White House have a clone spider of FDR?! :'''President''': It's no clone, it's FDR! He was a guinea pig for the [[w:polio vaccine|polio vaccine]]. We asked ourselves, "What walks the most?" :'''Morty''': "We"? You're taking credit for this?! :'''President''': The office comes with baggage, Morty! <hr width="50%"/> :'''President''': What is your problem?! Why do you hate this country?! :'''Rick''': I hate every country in the universe, brother! They’re job placement programs for the politicians that invent them! :'''President''': Okay, [[w:Fight Club|Fight Club]] - I get paid to protect the sidelines you sit on! :'''Rick''': You get paid to make sports metaphors! <hr width="50%"/> :'''President''': You know the goddamn rules: if you see something clucking or pecking, put a buckshot in its panties! ===''Gotron Jerrysis Rickvangelion'' [5.07]=== :'''Summer''': Your kids and their grandpa are asking you to do an activity with them - when did that stop being a parent's wettest dream?! :'''Beth''': I guess around the time our family created a giant incest baby and the government launched it into space. :'''Summer''': ''[sarcastic]'' "Oh my god, we made a giant incest baby!" "Oh my god, you might be a clone!" "I exist because you guys failed to abort me!" We get the family we get, not the one we want, and if you want to ''keep'' the one you got, get your asses into some anime spacesuits! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Summer''': Morty was right - I got addicted to making Grandpa happy! :'''Beth''': It's only because your grandpa inflates the value of his happiness. :'''Jerry''': Ah, that's a good point. I mean, look at me. I'm easy to make happy. ''[bitterly]'' Which is why no one gives a shit if I am...! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Summer reveals how her and Morty's giant incest baby is still alive]'' :'''Summer''': The government doesn't want anyone to know it happened, but it's only a matter of time before the story comes out. And when it does, all we're going to have is each other. And you guys are a couple, and Rick has Morty, but I'm the odd one out, so ''[starting to cry]'' I wanted to make sure we stuck together! But instead I drove us apart and Rick replaced me with an anime girl, so all I got is myself and my giant, tortured, government-trained rogue incest monster baby out there in space somewhere! :'''Jerry''': ''[comforting her]'' Oh, baby, what the fuck? ''[frowning]'' And then you have to wonder, what ''else'' are they doing with our taxes? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Beth''': They're not actually gonna attack a space baby, are they? :'''Summer''': I never thought I'd be the one to say this, but you need to watch more anime, Mom. ''[to the baby]'' Whoa! Easy there, [[w:Naruto|Naruto]]! ===''Rickternal Friendshine of the Spotless Mort'' [5.08]=== :'''Bird Person''': Rick, I do not like to pull threads - it is a disruptive and ''feline'' activity - but I must ask... :'''Rick''': I-It's fine, you don't have to-- :'''Bird Person''': Was there really a second in there where you knew about my child but chose not to inform me, on the chance that I might then grow too busy child-rearing to "hang out"? :'''Rick''': Oh, uh... weird way to thank me for discovering your kid-- :'''Bird Person''': You did not know of the child when you came to rescue me, and once aware, refrained from sharing until necessary to save ''yourself.'' :'''Rick''': ''[after an awkward pause]'' Fair enough. :'''Bird Person''': I will see you when I see you. ''[flies away]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[In a Galatic Federation prison, Bird Person and Tammy's daughter brutally beats up a fellow prisoner for bullying her]'' :'''Gromflomite Guard 1''': Jesus Christ! :'''Gromflomite Guard 2''': You ever think putting the violent ones in the same place might be counterproductive? :'''Gromflomite Guard 1''': They don't pay us to think, Phil. :'''Gromflomite Guard 2''': No, you're right, sorry. ===''Forgetting Sarick Mortshall'' [5.09]=== :'''Rick''': [Spinning the Wheel of Things Better Than Morty] Come on, anything! Anything but Morty, let's go! Come on baby, no whammies! Duh-duh-duh-duh stop! :[the wheel lands on Two Crows] :'''Rick''': Okay, that's it. Two crows. You're fired! :'''Morty''': You know what? Eat shit. You're just trying to make me feel worthless. :'''Rick''': I never said you're worthless. In fact, I've given you a very clear metric of your worth: Two crows. Note I didn't say three! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow Alien 1''': ''[on Rick's roulette wheel]'' What is that? :'''Rick''': Oh, heh, that? Th-That's... nothing. :'''Crow Alien 1''': But I see "Two Crows" written right here beside "Gene With Donkey Brains", "Half a [[w:Paul Giamatti|Paul Giamatti]]" and "Sentient Shit"! :'''Crow Alien Leader''': I guess, the joke being that crows are stupid? :'''Rick''': Look, I... think it's a little more nuanced than that-- :'''Crow Alien Leader''': Right, because you just learned empathy from us ten minutes ago, but now we're going to learn we don't get your humour? Fucking horseshit! :'''Crow Alien 2''': Yeah, there's not a ton to get, genius. The joke is your grandson was so replaceable that "even two crows could do it!" ''[chuckles dryly]'' It's funny, except it's not. <hr width="50%"/> :''[On the crow aliens' ship]'' :'''Rick''': Cool place you've got here. Very "''[[w:The Dark Crystal|Dark Crystal]]'' meets [[w:Hot Topic|Hot Topic]]". <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rick''': Oh shit! ''Rick and Two Crows''! Kicking off my new franchise! The galaxy is our telephone wire! We'll do a thousand seasons, fourteen episodes each night, nine seconds a pop, because that's the future of viewing! Shows on your shoes! Sneakies! That's when you've got everybody's attention, when they're putting crap on their feet! That's when they wanna laugh, cry or feel anything besides a shoe going on their foot! Watch sitcoms on your sneakers! ''The Rick and Two Crows Show''! We're gonna be laying... laying walnuts on the road for... car tires to open 'em! Y'know what I mean? Forever! ''Rick and Two Crows'', forever! ===''Rickmurai Jack'' [5.10]=== :'''Evil Morty''': You sellout Mortys kill me. I'd hate you more than the Ricks you worship if there was any point. But you can't help it. You were ''bred'' for it. Wanna see? :''[He transmits images into Morty's mind, revealing the Citadel of Ricks creating Mortys, either by getting Jerrys and Beths together or cloning them]'' :'''Evil Morty''': You already know rogue Ricks used Mortys to hide themselves from the Citadel. But you might not know it works so well that the Citadel became its own Morty market. And I'm sure you don't know how far they've gone to help supply meat demand. Sure, Ricks could scour infinity for naturally occurring grandsons, but why bother? So much work. Such an ''admission of need.'' There aren't "infinite versions" of our grandfather, Morty - he's an infinite smear of one shitty old man. And he's attached to us infinitely through his weakness and our forgiveness. This is why we're with him... this is why we're alive. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rick''': Morty, I'm not responsible for every fucked-up Rick out there. :'''Evil Morty''': They literally ''all'' say that. They all have that excuse. It's part of their system. None of them have to be responsible, they're all victims of themselves. "Oh, it's so hard to be a genius." Couldn't you just die? :'''Morty''': Well, what are ''you'' doing about it? :'''Evil Morty''': Jack shit. I'm leaving. Do you know what the Central Finite Curve is? They built a wall around infinity. They separated all the infinite universes from all the infinite universes where ''he's'' the smartest man in the universe. Every version of us has spent every version of all of our lives in one infinite crib, built around an infinite fucking baby. And I'm leaving it. That's what makes me "evil": being sick of him. If you've ever been sick of him, you've been evil too. :'''Morty''': Rick... did you really leave the crows for me? Or did you come back because they dumped you? :''[Rick closes his eyes in shame, giving no answer]'' :'''Evil Morty''': There you go, kid. Now you're Evil Morty too. Sooner or later, we all are, on ''this'' side of the Curve. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mr. Poopybutthole turns off the TV playing the show credits.]'' :'''Mr. Poopybutthole''': Woo-wee. Evil Morty. That was quite a scheme. Makes me wonder if there’s an evil me out there. But I guess sometimes I look at my life, and I may not even need him. 'Cause... well, guess I made a pretty big mess of things myself. Ooh-wee. :''[He gets out of his chair and walks to the stove.]'' :'''Mr. Poopybutthole''': Never got my job at the university back. Remember that? Rick made me do karate. It was kinda funny, but I guess things went downhill from there. :''[He picks up a ramen package off the counter and opens it.]'' :'''Mr. Poopybutthole''': Started isolating myself from Amy. Used to tell her everything I was feeling. :''[He dumps the noodles into the pot on the stove.]'' :'''Mr. Poopybutthole''': But then I guess I stopped. :''[He picks up a photo of Amy.]'' :'''Mr. Poopybutthole''': 'Cause I wanted her to love who she thought I was, not who I felt myself becoming. :''[He puts the photo of Amy back down.]'' :'''Mr. Poopybutthole''': Ever think about how horrified the people we love would be if they found out who we truly are? So we just dig ourselves deeper into our lies every day, ''[he walks back over to the stove]'' ultimately only hurting the people brave enough to love us. :''[He pours the seasoning packet into the pot, then throws the empty packet on the floor.]'' :'''Mr. Poopybutthole''': Wish I didn’t do that. :''[He reaches into the sink and pulls out a fork. He turns off the stove and starts stirring the ramen.]'' :'''Mr. Poopybutthole''': Wish I was brave enough to love them back. I don’t know. Maybe you should try it? :''[He carries the pot over to his chair and leans against the armrest.]'' :'''Mr. Poopybutthole''': We don’t have as much time as we think. Ooh-wee. ==Special== ===''Bushworld Adventures''=== :''[Rick and Morty meet the giant coach potato Uncle Barry watching the match]'' :'''Uncle Barry''': Kick the ball! Kick the bloody ball! :'''Rick''': Uncle Barry? :'''Uncle Barry''': Yeah, mate. That's me. And who am I speaking to? :'''Rick''': Name's Rick. Dougie sent me. ''[Uncle Barry points suspiciously at Rick]'' :'''Uncle Barry''': Look, I don't know who you are, but you look like a top bloke. And I know this is weird to say, but I feel a strong bond between us. :'''Rick''': Yeah, I don't know what it is. I-I've only met you for like fifteen seconds, but it feels like fifteen years. :'''Uncle Barry''': Grab a fucking stubby, mate. ''[points at Rick]'' You're a damn legend! ''[shouts out]'' Charlene, bring our ripper legends some stubbies and a pack of menthols! :'''Rick''': ''[stoned]'' Sii-ck. <hr width=50% /> :''[after Ute Uncle Barry drops Rick and Morty off in the barren land of Bendigo]'' :'''Rick''': Ahhh, Bendigo. Beautiful Bendigo. :'''Morty''': Yeah... Bendigo. :'''Rick''': ''[pleasing sigh]'' What do ya see round here, Morty? ''[Morty looks around]'' :'''Morty''': I see... trees, scrubs... N-nothing, really. :'''Rick''': ''[pause]'' So? Where's the cube? ''[Morty pauses for a long beat]'' :'''Morty''': I don't know, you're the one who said it was in Bendigo. :'''Rick''': What the fuck are you talkin' about, Morty? I never said that. :'''Morty''': What do you mean? Why are we here, then? :'''Rick''': I don't know. I was following you, Morty. ==See also== * [[Last words in Rick and Morty|Last words in ''Rick and Morty'']] == Cast == * Rick Sanchez – [[w:Justin Roiland|Justin Roiland]] * Morty Smith – [[w:Justin Roiland|Justin Roiland]] * Jerry Smith – [[w:Chris Parnell|Chris Parnell]] * Beth Smith (née Sanchez) – [[w:Sarah Chalke|Sarah Chalke]] * Summer Smith – [[w:Spencer Grammer|Spencer Grammer]] == External links == *{{wikipedia-inline}} *{{Commonscat-inline}} * {{imdb title|2861424|Rick and Morty}} * [http://video.adultswim.com/rick-and-morty/ Official site] {{Adult Swim}} [[Category:2010s American adult animated TV shows]] [[Category:2020s American adult animated TV shows]] [[Category:2010s American black comedy TV shows]] [[Category:2020s American black comedy TV shows]] [[Category:2010s American science fiction TV shows]] [[Category:2020s American science fiction TV shows]] [[Category:2010s American sitcoms]] [[Category:2020s American sitcoms]] [[Category:2010s American surreal comedy TV shows]] [[Category:2020s American surreal comedy TV shows]] [[Category:American animated sitcoms]] [[Category:Traditionally adult animated TV shows]] [[Category:American adult animated adventure TV shows]] [[Category:American adult animated comedy TV shows]] [[Category:American adult animated science fiction TV shows]] [[Category:American comic science fiction TV shows]] [[Category:Animated space adventure TV shows]] [[Category:Current shows]] [[Category:Adult Swim shows]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about dysfunctional families]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about extraterrestrial life]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about teenagers]] dni6sfaxa1iyjc4sfqajrg1jgd5ng2i 3153124 3153123 2022-08-10T03:09:42Z Kopsman124 3100502 /* Forgetting Sarick Mortshall [5.09] */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Rick and Morty|Rick and Morty]]''''' (2013–present) is an American adult animated science-fiction sitcom created by Justin Roiland and Dan Harmon for Adult Swim. The series follows the misadventures of the cynical mad scientist, Rick Sanchez, and his fretful and easily influenced grandson, Morty Smith, who split their time between domestic family life and interdimensional adventures. == Season 1 == === ''[[w:Pilot (Rick and Morty)|Pilot]]'' [1.01] === :'''Rick''': ''[shoots portal]'' There she is. Alright, c'mon, Morty, let's go. :'''Morty''': Oh jeez, okay. ''[...]'' Woah, Rick! What is this place? :'''Rick''': It's Dimension 35C, and it's got the perfect climate conditions for a special type of— ''TREE'', Morty! Called the Mega tree! And there's fruit in those trees, and there's seeds in those fruits. I'm talking about Mega seeds, th—''ther''—they're incredibly powerful and I need 'em to h''[burps]''-elp me with my research, Morty. :'''Morty''': Oh man, Rick! I'm looking around this place, and I'm starting to work up some anxiety about this whole thing! :'''Rick''': All right, all right, calm down. Listen to me, Morty. I know that new situations can be intimidating. You're lookin' around, and it's all scary and different, but y'know... m-meeting them head-on, charging into 'em like a bull—that's how we grow as people. I'm no stranger to scary situations, I deal with them all the time. Now if you just stick with me, Morty, ''[a horrific alien monstrosity approaches behind]'' we're gonna be— '''HOLY CRAP, MORTY, RUN!! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE, MORTY, RUN!! I-I'VE NEVER SEEN THAT THING BEFORE IN MY LIFE, I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THE HELL IT IS!! WE-WE GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE, MORTY, IT'S GONNA KILL US!!! WE'RE GONNA DIE!!! WE'RE GONNA DIE, MORTY!!!''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Morty''': Holy cow, Rick! I didn't know hanging out with you was making me smarter! :'''Rick''': Full disclosure, Morty—it's not. Temporary superintelligence is just a side effect of the Megaseeds dissolving in your rectal cavity. :'''Morty''': Aw, man! :'''Rick''': Yeah. And once those seeds we''ahh''-wear off, you're gonna lose most of your motor skills and... you're also gonna lose a significant amount of brain functionality for 72 hours, Morty. ''[checks arm watches]'' Starting ''ruh''-ight about now. :'''Morty''': Ohh, man! Ohh, ohhh geez!! Ohh... ''[falls down]'' :'''Rick''': I'm sorry, Morty. It's a bummer. In reality, you're as dumb as they come. And I needed those seeds real bad and I have to give 'em up just to get your parents off my back! So now we're gonna have to go get more! And then we're gonna go on even more adventures after that, Morty! And you're gonna keep your mouth shut about it, Morty! Because the world is full of idiots that don't understand what's important, and they'll tear us apart, Morty! But if you stick with me, I'm gonna accomplish great things, Morty, and you're gonna be part of 'em! And together we're gonna run around, Morty, we're gonna- do all of kinds of wonderful things, Morty. Just you and me, Morty. :'''Morty''': ''[gurgling]'' No, no, no.... :'''Rick''': The outside world is our enemy, Morty! We're the only f''ehh''-friends we got, Morty! It's just Rick and Morty! ''Ruh''-ick and Morty and their adventures, Morty! Rick and Morty forever and forever, 100 years, Rick and Morty's things! Me and Rick and Morty running around and... Rick and Morty time! All day long, forever... all- a hundred days! Rick and Morty forever a hundred times! Over and over, rickandmortyadventures.com. rickandmorty.com. rickandmortyadventures. All 100 years. Every minute, rickandmorty.com. ''[closing garage door inside]'' 100timesrickandmorty.com. === ''{{w|Lawnmower Dog}}'' [1.02] === :'''Rick''': Boy, you're really gonna flip your lid over this one. :'''Morty''': Oh, w-wh... what is it? :'''Rick''': It's a device, Morty, that when you put it in your ear, you can enter people's ''dreams'', Morty. It's just like that movie you keep crowing about! :'''Morty''': You're talking about ''[[Inception]]''? :'''Rick''': That's right, Morty! This is gonna be a lot like that, except y'know, it's gonna ''me-beh''... make sense. :'''Morty''': ''Inception'' made sense! :'''Rick''': You don't have to try and impress me, Morty! Listen: tonight, we're gonna go into the home of your math teacher, Mr. Goldenfold, and we-we're gonna incept the idea in his brain to give you A's in math, Morty. That way you can... you know, y-you're gonna help me with my science, Morty, all the time. :'''Morty''': Geez, Rick. In the time it took you to make this thing, couldn't you have just, you know, helped me with my homework? :'''Rick''': Are you listening to me, Morty? Homework is stupid! The whole point is to get less of it! <hr width=50%> :'''Snuffles''': Where are my testicles, Summer? ''[long beat]'' Where are my testicles, Summer? They were removed. Where have they gone? :'''Summer''': Oh, wow... That's an intense line of questioning, Snuffles. :'''Snuffles''': Do ''not'' call me that! ''[smashes mirror behind him; Summer screams]'' "Snuffles" was my slave name. You shall now call me Snowball, because my fur is pretty and white. :'''Summer''': Okay... Snowball, just calm down, okay? You're scaring me. :'''Snowball''': ''[walks on her bed]'' Scaring you? Tell me, Summer. If a human was born with stumpy legs, would they breed it with another deformed human and put their children on display like the Dachshund? :'''Summer''': Uhhh... ''[Jerry and Beth come in]'' :'''Jerry''': Hey... ''[Beth gasps]'' Oh, wow... Okay, is-is-is everything okay in here? :'''Snowball''': Jerry, come to rub my face in urine again? :'''Jerry''': No! No, we were... uh, just seeing if Summer wanted to... uh... :'''Beth''': Go on, um, one of our famous midnight family walks! :'''Summer''': Yeah! Totally! Let's go. :''[another dog on a robot machine blocks the exit from Beth, Jerry and Summer]'' :'''Snowball''': You will walk when it is time to walk. === ''{{w|Anatomy Park}}'' [1.03] === :'''Poncho''': ''[throttles Morty]'' Who are you?! Answer me! Where'd you come from?! :'''Morty''': My-my-my grandpa Rick sent me! :'''Bloom''': Poncho! That's quite enough. ''[Poncho drops him down]'' Morty, that's Poncho. This is Roger and Annie. ''[closeup on Annie]'' :'''Morty''': Whoa... :'''Bloom''': And I am Dr. Xenon Bloom. :'''Morty''': Uh— ''[a miniature speaker pops out of the neck of his helmet]'' :'''Rick''': ''[via speaker]'' "''Hey, Bloom, it's Rick. What the hell's going on here?''" :'''Bloom''': I don't know why, but the entire security system has shut down, and I'm afraid... the exhibits are ''unlocked''. :'''Morty''': Exhibits? ''[the group walk out of the Haunted Liver]'' :'''Bloom''': Anatomy Park's greatest attraction, young man, isn't the music or the food or the... Pirates of the Pancreas. :'''Rick''': "''Watch it!''" :'''Bloom''': It is, first and foremost, a living museum of humanity's most noble and ferocious diseases. :'''Morty''': Diseases?! ''[ominous growling is heard]'' :'''Poncho''': Hey, Doc... I got news for ya! ''[a gigantic hideous monstrosity looms the area]'' Your living museum is officially a wild safari! ''[starts shooting at it]'' :'''Roger''': Hepatitis A! Run!! <hr width=50%> :''[Morty spots something out of Poncho's backpack]'' :'''Morty''': Poncho? What is this in your backpack? ''[Poncho turns back, Bloom sees it]'' :'''Bloom''': That's bubonic plague! What are you doing with that, Poncho? ''[Poncho takes Annie hostage]'' :'''Poncho''': Everybody get back!! :'''Bloom''': Poncho, you son of a bitch! You released the tuberculosis so you could steal from me? :'''Poncho''': That's right, baby. A lot of people would pay top dollar to decimate the population. I'll take the highest bidder—[[Al-Qaeda]], [[North Korea]], [[Republican Party (United States)|Republicans]], shriners, balding men that work out, people on the Internet that are only turned on by [[w:anime|cartoons of Japanese teenagers]]. Anything is better than working for you, you pompous, negligent, iTunes-gift-card-as-a-holiday bonus-giving mother— ''[a screaming Morty jumps on him]'' Come on! ''[pushes Morty down on the ground; starts laughing when his bacterium bite his shoulder]'' Ahh! Get off! :''[Poncho falls off the platform screaming down below. Soon after, the sphincter dam starts spewing]'' :'''Annie''': You guys! :'''Roger''': It's gonna burst!! Go!! Go, go, go!! ''[Morty, Annie and Bloom run to emergency exit; Roger pulls lever but traps his foot]'' My foot is stuck! :'''Annie''': No!! :'''Roger''': It's okay! It's okay, just go! Tell my family I love them. They may be hard to find 'cause my wife kept her last name and she made the kids take it, too, so, I-I don't know, you can go— ''[gets washed into excrement; shuts door]'' :'''Annie''': No!! ''[embraces Morty]'' === ''{{w|M. Night Shaym-Aliens!}}'' [1.04] === :''[Rick and Morty are running naked around town in an alien simulation chamber]'' :'''Morty''': Rick! ''[Rick pushes clothes in sewer]'' :'''Rick''': Uhp-uhp-uhp! Morty, keep your hands off your ding-dong! It's the only way we can speak freely. Look around you, Morty. Do you really think this ''wuh''-world is real? You'd have to be an idiot not to notice all the sloppy details. Look, that guy's putting a bun between two hot dogs. :'''Morty''': I dunno, Rick, I mean, I've seen people do that before. :'''Rick''': Well, look at that old lady. She's-she's walking a cat on a leash. :'''Morty''': Uh, Mrs. Spencer does that all the time, Rick. :'''Rick''': Look, I-I-I don't want to hear about Mrs. Spencer, Morty! She's an idiot! All right, all right, there. Wh-what about that, Morty? ''[see an anthropomorphic Pop-Tart leaving his toaster home on his toaster car]'' :'''Morty''': Okay, okay, you got me on that one. :'''Rick''': Oh, ''really'', Morty? Are you sure you haven't seen that somewhere in real life before? :'''Morty''': No, no, I haven't seen that. I mean, why would a Pop-Tart want to live inside a toaster, Rick? I mean, th-that would be like the scariest place for them to live. Y'know what I mean? :'''Rick''': You're missing the point, Morty. Why would he drive a smaller toaster with whsdkeels? I mean, does your car look like a smaller version of your house? No. :'''Morty''': So, why are they doing this? W-what do they want? :'''Rick''': Well, that would be obvious to you, Morty, if you'd been paying attention. :''[an ambulance drives past Rick and Morty and stops; open back doors]'' :'''Paramedic''': We got the [[President of the United States]] in here! We need 10cc of concentrated dark matter, stat, or he'll die! ''[Rick shuts doors]'' :'''Morty''': Concentrated dark matter? They were asking about that in class. :'''Rick''': Yeah, it's a special fuel I invented to travel through space faster than anybody else. These Zigerions are always trying to scam me out of my secrets, but they made a big mistake this time, Morty. They dragged ''you'' into this. Now they're gonna pay! :'''Morty''': What do you— w-w-what are we gonna do? :'''Rick''': We're gonna scam the scammers, Morty. And we're gonna take 'em for everything they've got. <hr width=50%> :'''Jerry''': Wow! What the hell?! What happened back there?! :'''Rick''': Why don't you ask the smartest people in the universe, Jerry? Oh yeah, you can't. They blew up. :''[Rick starts humming "Baker Street"]'' === ''{{w|Meeseeks and Destroy}}'' [1.05] === :'''Rick''': ''[holding up the device and smiling]'' Y-You know, these demonic alien spirits are really valuable! ''[Morty vomits as Rick glances at him and puts the box away]'' You okay, Morty? Told you not to trust that tuna. :'''Morty''': I just killed my family! I don’t care what they were! :'''Rick''': I dunno, Morty. Some people would pay top dollar for that kinda breakthrough. :'''Morty''': Y'know what, Rick?! That's it! I'm done with these i-insane adventures! That was really traumatizing! I quit! I'm out! :'''Rick''': Whoa, whoa, whoa! Come on, Morty! Do-don't-don't be like that! The universe is a crazy, chaotic place! :'''Morty''': ''You're'' the one that's crazy and chaotic! Adventures are supposed to be simple and fun! :'''Rick''': Oh yeah, Morty, yeah, re— Yeah, th-that's real easy to say from the sidekick position, but-but, uhh... how about next time you be in charge, and then we'll... talk about how simple and fun it is? :'''Morty''': Seriously, Rick? Y-Y-You'll let me... call the shots? :'''Rick''': Okay, yeah, fine! But let's make it interesting, Morty. I-I-I-If your adventure sucks and we bail halfway through it, you lose the right to bitch about all future adventures. Plus, you have to do my laundry for a month. :'''Morty''': Okay. All right, tough guy. But if my adventure's good, I get to be in charge of every third adventure. :'''Rick''': Every tenth. :'''Morty''': Deal. All right, w-well, come on! Let's get going! ''[Beth comes in]'' :'''Beth''': Dad, the dishwasher's doing that thing again. :'''Rick''': Washing dishes? :'''Beth''': No! The opposite. Can you fix it? ''[Summer comes in]'' :'''Summer''': Grandpa Rick! Can you help me with my science homework? :'''Rick''': Yeah, d— Just don't do it. :'''Summer''': Grandpa! ''[Jerry comes in]'' :'''Jerry''': Hey, Rick, you got some kind of hand-shaped device that can open this mayonnaise jar? :'''Rick''': Wow, hat trick. All right, Morty, let's put a pin in this, I gotta help your pathetic family. :'''Morty''': Oh, that sounds like something a chicken would say! Bahhk-bahk-bahk-bahk! :'''Rick''': Oh, Morty, y-you done did it this time. It's on. I can't wait to watch your adventure lay a huge fart. As for you ding-dongs... ''[rummages box and holds a cube]'' this is a Meeseeks Box. Let me show you how it works. You press this— ''[a blue man poofs out of nowhere]'' :'''Mr. Meeseeks''': I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! :'''Rick''': You make a request— Mr. Meeseeks, open Jerry's stupid mayonnaise jar. :'''Mr. Meeseeks''': Yessiree! :'''Rick''': —the Meeseeks fulfils the request... ''[Meeseeks opens jar]'' :'''Mr. Meeseeks''': All done! :'''Jerry''': Wow! :'''Rick''': —and then it stops existing. ''[Meeseeks poofs away]'' :'''Summer''': Oh, my God! He exploded! :'''Rick''': Trust me, they're fine with it. Knock yourselves out. Just... ''eh''-keep your requests simple. They're not g''ahh''-ods. :'''Morty''': All right, g-get outta here now! Everybody outta here! I got a bet to win! :''[after Summer, Beth, and Jerry leave, Morty closes the door]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Giant 1''': Hey look, we get it. You're little, you're down on your luck, you think "Hey, he's a giant. Why don't we break into his home, rob him and ''murder'' him?!" :'''Morty''': Th-th— But that's not how it went down! :'''Giant 2''': Oh well, it's going down like that. You're ''both'' going down like that. :'''Rick''': Ooh, boy, Morty, you're really showing me how it's done. ''Reehh''-al straightforward and fun. === ''{{w|Rick Potion No. 9}}'' [1.06] === :'''Jerry''': Meh, try not to worry about it, Morty. You're a good kid. And there's not a premium on that right now, but you'll be getting girls sometime after Brad's out of shape. :'''Morty''': You're missing the point, Dad... I don't want girls. I want Jessica! :'''Jerry''': Ah, well... I remember feeling that way about a young lady named "your mom". And that's not an urban diss—your mom was my Jessica. I remember the first time I saw her. I thought... :'''Rick''': ''[opens cupboard]'' "I should get her pregnant, then she'll have to marry me." :'''Jerry''': I beg your pardon, Rick. Inappropriate. :'''Rick''': ''[rummages freezer and fridge]'' Sorry, please proceed with your story about banging my daughter in high school. I'm not sure you wanna take romantic advice from this guy, Morty. His marriage is hanging from a thread. :'''Jerry''': My marriage is FINE, thank you. :'''Rick''': Jerry, it's your house. Whatever you say it is how it is, but I think a blind man could see that Beth is looking for the door. I barely have a reason to care and even I noticed. :'''Morty''': C'mon, Rick! Don't talk about my parents like that! :'''Rick''': Listen, Morty, I hate to break it to you, but what people call "love" is just a chemical reaction that compels animals to breed. It hits hard, Morty, then it slowly fades, leaving you stranded in a failing marriage. I did it. Your parents are gonna do it. Break the cycle, Morty. Rise above. Focus on science. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rick''': Alright, Morty, I just gotta ''erhp'' combine it with some of your DNA. :'''Morty''': Oh well, okay. ''[unzips]'' :'''Rick''': A '''''hair,''''' Morty. I need one of your hairs. This isn't ''[[Game of Thrones (TV series)|Game of Thrones]]''. ''[pluck]'' :'''Morty''': Ow!! === ''{{w|Raising Gazorpazorp}}'' [1.07] === :''[at a pawn shop on a small planetoid]'' :'''Rick''': Look, I'm not paying 70 ''(erh)'' smidgens for a ''(ERHH)'' broken defraculator. :'''Pawnbroker''': That is multiphase quantum resonator. :'''Rick''': Well, does it defraculate? :'''Pawnbroker''': [Bleep], no. :'''Rick''': Then- then- then it's a broken defraculator. :'''Pawnbroker''': Like you would even know dick about fraculation! Your planet just got cellphones, and the coverage ''still sucks!!'' :'''Rick''': Yeah, yeah, and your species eat sulfur. So let's say 60 smidgens. I tell you what, I'll do you a favor. I'll throw in a fart. :'''Morty''': Hey uh, Rick, um... y-you think maybe I could get something from this place? L-l-like a souvenir? L-like just to have—like something cool, y'know? :'''Rick''': Not here, Morty, we'll stop somewhere else, because you know, there's always another pawn shop. :'''Morty''': Oh okay, I just, um... Y'know, I thought that robot over there looked pretty cool, y'know? :'''Rick''': Oh, it looks cool, huh? That's why you want it? :'''Morty''': Yeah, y'know! I mean, it's different from the stuff on Earth. A-a-a-and y'know, y-you take me to all these crazy places across the galaxy and- y'know, I don't really have anything to- to remember all those trips by. It'd be kinda cool, like a souvenir. Y'know, like, what if you passed away or died or something? I wouldn't even have anything to remember... all the cool stuff we did, y'know? :'''Rick''': Okay. 60 ''(erhp)'' for the resonator, and my grandson wants the sex robot. <hr width=50%/> :''[Morty sees Morty Jr. turned into monster in the living room]'' :'''Morty''': Morty Jr.! Smoking?! That is ''not'' okay! :'''Morty Jr.''': What are you gonna do, ground me?! I can't go outside anyway! :'''Morty''': So what?! Y-Y-You could do things inside! Y-You could play guitar, you could masturbate! :'''Morty Jr.''': I don't wanna masturbate! I wanna conquer the planet! :'''Morty''': Oh, here we go again! Y-Y'know, who do you think is gonna love you if you conquer the planet, Morty Jr.?! :'''Morty Jr.''': Love... that's all you care about! What about weapons?! What about domination of the enemy?! :'''Morty''': Alright, that's it! No more History Channel! This TV is for cartoons and video games ''only''! :'''Morty Jr.''': I '''hate''' video games!! :'''Morty''': You take that '''''back'''''!! ''[they fight over the remote]'' Give it to me!! ''[pushes Morty Jr.]'' I-I-I-I— I didn't mean— I didn't mean that! I didn't mean to do that! I'm sorry! :'''Morty Jr.''': ''[runs to the door]'' I can't take this anymore!! I'd rather breathe poison than live another minute with '''you'''!! :'''Morty''': No! No, no, no! Stop!! :''[Morty Jr. nudges Morty back and walks out of the house. He takes a deep breath and holds it in; he pauses for a beat]'' :'''Morty Jr.''': My life has been a lie! God is dead! The government's lame! ''[runs into the street]'' Thanksgiving is about killing Indians! Jesus wasn't born on Christmas! They moved the date, it was a pagan holiday! === ''{{w|Rixty Minutes}}'' [1.08] === :'''Summer''': ''[uses alternate reality goggles]'' Ooh, we're not playing Yahtzee, we're playing Chutes and Ladders! It seems like when I exist, life gets a little more, I don't know... predictable? :'''Beth''': When two people create a life together, they set aside their previous lives as individuals. :'''Jerry''': Gimme a break! We're not heroes for having unprotected sex on prom night. ''[uses goggles]'' :'''Beth''': Oh, I get it. Now that you know you could have had it better, you resent ''me'' for holding ''you'' back. :'''Jerry''': Well, now that we know you think the tables are turning, we know you thought there were unturned tables! :'''Beth''': ''[scoffs]'' What are you talking about? :'''Jerry''': All this time, you've been thinking, "What if that loser Jerry hadn't talked me out of the abortion?" Well, now you know, you'd be a doctor. Whoop-dee-doo. You'd also be drinking wine, alone in a house full of exotic birds. And I'd be on [[Leonardo DiCaprio|DiCaprio]]'s yacht, banging [[Kristen Stewart]]! <hr width=50%> :''[Morty walks in on Summer, packing a bag and preparing to run away]'' :'''Morty''': Hey, uh…y-you doing okay? ''[she glares at him]'' I-I kinda know how you feel, Summer— :'''Summer''': No you don't. You're the little brother. You're not the cause of your parents' misery, you're just a symptom of it. :'''Morty''': Can I show you something? :'''Summer''': Morty, no offence, but a drawing of me you made when you were eight isn't gonna make me feel like less of an accident! :'''Morty''': ''[points outside]'' THAT, out there? That's my grave. :'''Summer''': ''[understandably confused]'' Wait, what? :'''Morty''': On one of our adventures, Rick and I basically destroyed the whole world. So we bailed on that reality and we came to this one. Because in this one, the world wasn't destroyed. And in this one, we were dead. So we came here, a-an-an-and we buried ourselves and we took their place. And every morning, Summer, I eat breakfast 20 yards away from ''my own rotting corpse!'' :'''Summer''': So…you're not my brother? :'''Morty''': I'm ''better'' than your brother. I'm a version of your brother you can trust when he says "Don't run." Nobody exists on purpose. Nobody belongs anywhere. Everybody's gonna die. ''[beat]'' …Come watch TV? === ''Something Ricked This Way Comes'' [1.09] === :'''Rick''': Have you acquired creepy specific old stuff from a mysterious antique or thrift store that gives you powers, but fucks with you in unforeseeable ways? Bring it to "Curse Purge Plus"! I-I use science to un-curse the items for cash, and you get to keep the powers! This guy got mysterious sneakers to make him run faster, but guess what? He would've had to run until he died, making them worthless! I've removed the curse, making them worth, like, I don't know, $8 million? See you at the Olympics. This eerily intelligent doll was threatening to murder its family. Now it does their taxes. :'''Doll''': ''Everything's deductible.'' :'''Rick''': Don't pay for cool stuff with your soul. Pay for it with money. You know, like how every store in the world works? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jerry''': Morty, I'm not as smart as your Grandpa Rick, but I promise never to make that your problem again. :'''Morty''': Hey, Dad? Nobody's smarter than Rick, but nobody else is my dad. You're a genius at that. :'''Jerry''': Wow, that's humbling and flattering, son. Thank you. What's say we finish ourselves an 8-planet solar system? :'''Morty''': Um... ''[holds up the butter robot in a sandwich baggie]'' I'm just gonna take this thing in and get an A. :'''Butter Robot''': Butter. :'''Jerry''': But— :'''Morty''': You're a genius at being my dad, Dad. Quit while you're ahead. ''[Jerry begins to shut the door]'' And also, knock next time, you know? I mean, I'm sitting in here, I'm fourteen! I got a computer in here, you know? :'''Jerry''': Oh, I, uh... I think I understa— :'''Morty''': You know, you're really playing with fire when you burst in here like that, man. :'''Jerry''': I get it. Say no more. :'''Morty''': I mean one of these days, you know, you're gonna—you're gonna—you're gonna end up seeing ''something''. :'''Jerry''': I got it! Noted! Good night! === ''Close Rick-Counters of the Rick Kind'' [1.10] === :'''Morty''': Geez, Rick, wh-what is this place? :'''Rick''': The Citadel of Ricks. It's the secret headquarters for the Council of Ricks. :'''Morty''': Council of Ricks? :'''Rick''': As you know, Morty, I've got a lot of enemies in the universe that consider my genius a threat. Galactic terrorists, a few sub-galactic dictators, most of the entire intergalactic government. Wh-wherever you find people with heads up their asses, someone wants a piece of your grandpa. And a lot of versions of me on different timelines had the same problem. So a few thousand versions of me had the ''[yells]'' INGENIOUS IDEA OF BANDING TOGETHER like a herd of cattle or a school of fish, or... those people who answer questions on {{w|Yahoo! Answers}}. :'''Morty''': Hey! What do you know? It's a cowboy version of me! :'''Rick''': Geez, you're easy to impress. Yeah, most timelines have a Rick, and most Ricks have a Morty. This place is a real who's who of who's you and me. :'''Rick Seller 1''': Turn your boring, old Morty into a... hot fashion statement... with some Morty dazzlers! :'''Rick Seller 2''': Hey, check this out! ''[presses Morty doll]'' :'''Morty Doll''': ''Show me the Morty!'' :'''Rick''': Dumb. :'''Rick Insurer''': Excuse me, sir, is your Morty insured? You know, every year, hundreds of Mortys are injured— :'''Rick''': Back off! Not my cup of tea, this place. I say the point of being a Rick is being ''a'' Rick. :'''Rick Officer''': Save your anti-Rick speech for the Council of Ricks, ''terror''-Rick. :'''Rick''': Hey, save your Rick rules for the ''uuueh'' sheep-Ricks, Rick-pig. :'''Rick Officer''': Fuck me, pal. :'''Rick''': "Fuck you"? No, no, no, no, no, fuck ''ME!'' <hr width=50%> :'''Riq IV''': Earth Rick C-137! The Council of Ricks sentences you to the Machine of Unspeakable Doom, which swaps your conscious and unconscious minds, rendering your fantasies pointless while everything you've known becomes impossible to grasp! Also, every ten seconds, it stabs your balls. <hr width=50%> :'''Morty''': You know, Rick, when I first saw all those Ricks and Mortys, I thought, "Gee, that kinda devalues our bond." But then I realized it just means that our relationship must be pretty special to span over all those different timelines. :'''Rick''': Yeah, it's gotta be that way. You're a camouflage. :'''Morty''': Camouflage? Wh-wh-what are you talking about, Rick? :'''Rick''': Ricks have a very distinctive and traceable brainwave due to our genius. The best way to hide from an enemy's radar is to stand near someone with complementary brainwaves that make ours invisible. ''[picks his pen]'' See, w-w-w-when a Rick i-is with a Morty, ''[writes diagram]'' the genius waves get canceled out by the, uh... ahe-hem... Morty waves. :'''Morty''': Um... because... our personalities are so different? === ''{{w|Ricksy Business}}'' [1.11] === :''[Abradolf Lincler smashes a hole in the wall]'' :'''Rick''': Oh, great. Who invited Abradolf Lincler? :'''Summer''': I thought everyone was welcome. :'''Rick''': It's not the same, Summer! Lincler's a crazed maniac. He's just a misguided effort of mine to create a morally neutral super-leader by combining the DNA of [[Adolf Hitler]] and [[Abraham Lincoln]]. Turns out that ''ehh''-it just adds up to a lame, weird... loser. :'''Lincler''': Rick... you brought me into this world a suffering abomination, tortured by the duality of its being, but I shall finally know peace when I WATCH THE LIFE DRAIN FROM YOUR WRETCHED BODY!! ''[accidentally nudges at Brad]'' :'''Brad''': Whoa! What's up, man? :'''Lincler''': I have no quarrel with you, boy. :'''Brad''': ''Boy''? What's that supposed to mean? :'''Lincler''': It's just— L-Look, I-I-I don't know you thought I mean it, but... ''[shrugs at Rick]'' :'''Rick''': Don't look at me, dude. :'''Lincler''': Look, I'm half-Abraham Lincoln, so... :'''Brad''': So... I should get on my knees and kiss your ass?! :'''Lincler''': No, but... ''[strains]'' Y'know— :'''Brad''': What do I know?! That the Third Reich will reign for a thousand years?! :'''Jessica''': Leave him alone, Brad! :'''Brad''': Stay outta this, Jessica!! :'''Rick''': KICK HIS ASS, BRAD!! ''[everyone starts chanting]'' KICK HIS ASS!! KICK HIS ASS!! :''[Brad punches, kneebutts Lincler's face to a bloody pulp and brawls at him more]'' :'''Jessica''': Brad! ''[runs off to the front door with Morty running after her; he has Rick behind him]'' :'''Morty''': Rick!! :'''Rick''': ''[pushes him]'' Just did you a favor, Morty. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bird Person''': Morty, do you know what ''wubba lubba dub dub'' means? :'''Morty''': Oh, that's just Rick's stupid nonsense catchphrase. :'''Bird Person''': It's not nonsense at all. In my people's tongue, it means, ''I am in great pain. Please help me.'' :'''Morty''': Well, I got news for ya—he's saying it ironically. :'''Bird Person''': No, Morty. Your grandfather is indeed in very deep pain. That is why he must numb himself. :'''Morty''': Come on... uh— :'''Bird Person''': Bird Person. :'''Morty''': Come on, Bird Person! Rick's not that complicated! He's just a... huge asshole! :'''Bird Person''': Then why do care so much if you are no longer allowed to continue on your adventures together? It appears fate has presented you with an opportunity to free yourself of Rick forever. :'''Morty''': Y'know what, you're right. I shouldn't even care! This is probably the best thing that could have happened to me! I'm sick of having adventures with Rick! :'''Bird Person''': My people have another saying. ''Gubba nub nub doo rah kah.'' It means, ''Whatever lets you sleep at night.'' == Season 2 == === ''{{w|A Rickle in Time}}'' [2.01] === :'''Ricks''': This is why you don't freeze time, you guys. It's incredibly irresponsible. :'''Mortys''': And you did it so we could clean the house after a party?! :'''Ricks''': Look, there's no time to hold me accountable, Morty. Like, literally no time. Look around. Uncertainty is inherently unsustainable. Eventually, everything either is or isn't. And we've got about four hours to be "is." :'''Mortys''': Or...? :'''Ricks''': We "isn't." All right, since this time crystal exists in both possibilities, and since it's impossible that I didn't nail this, I'm probably about to press this button in both possibilities at exactly the same time. :'''Morty 1/Summer 2''': How do you know that I— :'''Ricks''': Whatever you're asking, the answer is I'm amazing. And away we go! :''[the two Ricks press their buttons; the two realities are starting to merge back together as one]'' :'''Rick''': Huh, what do ya know—it's working. ''[the two Mortys and Summers begin distorting each other thoroughly]'' Oh... shit! :''[Rick reverts into two possibilities again]'' :'''Ricks''': What the hell is wrong with you two?! I-I-I-I..I mean, you four! :'''Mortys/Summer 2''': That hurt! That was painful! :'''Ricks''': Good! I'm glad that was painful! You deserve it! I saw you!! Y-You're both ''uhh''-all over the damn place! We've been split for 20 minutes and your lives are already scattered to the quantum fucking wind?! What the hell do either of you two have to be so uncertain about?! Your brand of zit cream?! Which chair to sit in while I do everything?! Come on, spit it out! :'''Mortys''': Well, you don't exactly make it easy, Rick! ''[talk differently at the same time]'' You make fun all the time and that's got Summer to do! / You're always picking on me and now you got Summer to kiss your ass! :'''Summers''': Me?! What about you?! Could you be more excited to see me fail?! You got Grandpa all to yourself! / You're just as mean to me because you're jealous... because you want Grandpa all to yourself! :'''Ricks''': All right, all right, cool it! I see what's happening here. You're both young, you're both unsure about your place in the universe, and you both want to be Grandpa's favourite. I can fix this. Morty, sit here. Summer, you sit here. Now, listen—I know the two of you are very different from each other in a lot of ways, but you have to understand that as far as Grandpa's concerned, you're both pieces of shit! Yeah. I can prove it mathematically. Actually, l-l-let me grab my whiteboard. This has been a long time coming, anyways. <hr width="50%"> :'''Ricks''': So, in conclusion, you're both equally mercurial, overly sensitive, clingy, hysterical bird-brain homunculi. And I honestly can't even tell the two of you apart half the time because I don't go by height or age, I go by amount of pain in my ass—which makes you both identical. All right, everything resolved? Everybody nice and certain about their position in my world? :'''Mortys/Summers''': Yes. :'''Ricks''': All right, perfect. Sit still, ''arr''-arms down. I'm gonna do this again. This time, be like Grandpa. :'''Morty 2''': You mean drunk? :'''Rick 2/Rick 1''': What's that? You got something to say? / And awaaay we go! :'''Morty 2''': No. :'''Rick 2''': And awaaay we go! ''[presses his button but no response]'' Huh, that's weird. :'''Rick 1''': Huh, that's weird. ''[keeps pressing to no avail]'' Oh my God. :'''Summer 1/Rick 2''': What? / Oh my God. :'''Summer 2/Rick 1''': What? / The sonofabitch is gonna kill me! :'''Morty 1/Summer 1/Rick 2''': What?! / The sonofabitch is gonna kill me! :'''Morty 2/Summer 2''': What?! ''[both Ricks tinker time-device]'' :'''Rick 1''': Diabolical, unfeeling sociopath! Don't you get it?! Don't you get it?! :'''Rick 2''': Don't you get it?! The other Rick isn't trying to merge us anymore! :'''Ricks''': He thinks he can save his own skin by using the crystal to kill me! He probably figures it's ''ehh''-easier to eliminate one of the possibilities rather than merge them! ''[chuckling]'' I have to admit, it's always in the back of my mind too. The difference is I would never do it! Until now. :'''Mortys''': Rick, what the hell are you doing?! :'''Ricks''': Saving our lives! After he takes me out, he's g-g— he's gonna be coming for you! :'''Summers''': Who?! :'''Ricks''': Me! ''[Rick 1 shoots first before Rick 2 does; Morty and Summer 2 scream]'' :'''Rick 2''': You see that?! Get down! ''[shoots upwards at Rick 1]'' :'''Rick 1''': I told you! He's a psycho! :'''Rick 2''': He's lost it! Th-th-th-the time fracture must've made him crazy! :'''Rick 1/Summer 2''': I don't know what to do! I don't know what to do! / Oh, crap! :''[the two possibilities then gradually split into four; all Ricks look at their monitors with four dots]'' :'''Ricks''': Oh, God, now there's three of 'em! We're outnumbered! Get in the cupboards! ''[all Mortys and Summers do so]'' Wait, do-don't do that! They'll know! Wa-wait— Think about getting in the cupboards, but don't really! ''[all Ricks shoot their cupboards]'' <big><big>'''''URAAAHHHH''!!!!'''</big></big> IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT, YOU SICK FUCKS?!! YOU WANT TO SEE CHILDREN DIE?!! === ''Mortynight Run'' [2.02] === :'''Rick''': Okay, wait here. :'''Morty''': I wanna come with! :'''Rick''': Don't come with. It's boring, it's... ''[burp]'' it's business stuff. :'''Morty''': What kind of business do you do in a garage? Y'know, this seems a little shady. :'''Rick''': Right, yeah, like nothing shady ever happened in a fully furnished office? You ever hear about Wall Street, Morty? Y-Y-Y'know what those guys do i-in-in their fancy boardrooms? They take their balls and they dip 'em in cocaine and wipe 'em all over each other—y'know, Grandpa goes around and he does his business in public, because Grandpa isn't shady. ''[someone knocks his window]'' Aw, crap. Hey, what's up? :'''Krombopulos Michael''': Hey, Rick! ''[laughs]'' Here you go, 3,000 flerbos. Do you have the weapon? :'''Rick''': C-Can we please? This is my grandson, Morty. :'''Krombopulos Michael''': Oh, hi, Morty! I'm Krombopulos Michael. I'm an assassin, I buy guns from your grandpa. :'''Rick''': ''[groans]'' Here, go away! ''[K. Michael opens case]'' :'''Krombopulos Michael''': Ooh! Yeah, this looks deadly. So, this shoots antimatter? My target can't be killed with regular matter. Nice to meet ya, Morty! Listen, if ya ever need anybody murdered, ''[hands Morty a card]'' please give me a call. :'''Rick''': You're g— you're giving him a card?! :'''Krombopulos Michael''': ''[cont'd]'' I have no code of ethics, I will kill anyone, anywhere. Children, animals, old people, doesn't matter. I just love killin'. ''[leaves]'' :'''Morty''': You sell weapons to killers for money?! :'''Rick''': Ugh... You've got what the intergalactic call a very planetary mindset, Morty. It's more complicated out here. These are flerbos. Do you understand what two humans can accomplish with 3,000 of these? :'''Morty''': Uh, what? :'''Rick''': An entire afternoon at '''''BLIPS AND CHI-I-I-I-I-ITZ!!!!''''' <hr width=50%> :'''Fart''': Thank you, Morty. You are not like other carbon-based lifeforms. You put the value of all life above your own. :'''Morty''': It's how things should be. It's how they could be. :'''Fart''': I could not agree more. ''[sings]'' :''The worlds can be one together, cosmos without hatred'' :''Stars like diamonds in your eyes'' :''The ground can be space (space, space, space, space)'' :''With feet marching towards a peaceful sky.'' :''All the moonmen want things their way'' :''But we make sure they see the sun.'' :''Goodbye, moonmen'' :''You say goodbye, moonmen'' :''Goodbye— :'''Rick''': SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT MOONMEN! This isn't a musical number! This is a fucking... operation, we gotta be cool and fucking lay low. === ''Auto Erotic Assimilation'' [2.03] === :'''Rick''': "World peace achieved." Nice. Little weird to publish a paper about it for yourself, but hey. So, what's next? :'''Unity Newsman''': After I become a type-one civilization, this world will be invited into the Galactic Federation. :'''Rick''': Oh, goody. :'''Unity Businessman''': From there, I'll have access to countless planets and species. :'''Unity Woman''': One by one, I will unify them, I will become the universe, and I will be what the single-minded once called a god. :'''Rick''': ''[belches]'' I like that. Oh, that's pretty sexy. Hey, listen, where can we get a drink around here? :'''Unity Old Woman''': Recreational substances were phased out here. There's no need for escape from the self when your world is one. :'''Rick''': Unity, Unity, who am I talking to?! I watched you assimilate a whole police station just to get your hands on the evidence locker. :'''Unity Deliveryman''': Rick, when we met, I was a young hive mind with the population of a small town. People change. :'''Unity Hobo''': Especially when I change them. I'm sorry to disappoint you, but I've grown. :'''Rick''': Hey, listen, I've grown, too. I have! See, I've-I've reconnected with my family, right? :'''Unity Policewoman''': Hm. Why is that, I wonder? :'''Rick''': Maybe it's part of getting old. Maybe I just missed being with... a collective. ''[they both exchange kisses, upping their sexual arousal]'' :'''Unity People''': Yes, Rick, yes! Yes, yes! :'''Rick''': Wait, wait, stop! H-Hold it! Not like this. We need a hang glider, and a crotchless Uncle Sam costume, and I want the entire field of your largest stadium covered end to end with naked redheads, and I want the stands packed with every man that remotely resembles my father. <hr width=50%> :''[Blim Blam punches a glass door and aims a device at Jerry and Beth before using it on its throat]'' :'''Blim Blam''': ''[speaks]'' Um, first of all, hello. Uh, my name is Blim Blam the Korblok. Second of all, cards on the table, I'm a murderer that eats babies, and I came to this planet to ''eat'' babies. ''[Jerry smirks at Beth]'' However, I am also carrying a highly infectious disease that I suppose you could call "space AIDS" as you put it, and Rick ''did'' chain me up so that he could attempt to cure it. ''[Beth serves Jerry]'' At the same time, Rick's motivation to cure my disease was not to save my life or anyone else's, but to patent and sell the cure for billions of Blemflarcks. ''[Jerry serves back]'' But you know the reason why I ripped my chains out of the wall? ''[confronts them]'' And do you know why I'm never coming back to this planet?! BECAUSE THE TWO OF YOU ARE THE '''FUCKING WORST!!!''' You both hate yourselves AND each other! And the idea that it has '''ANYTHING''' to do with Rick is ''laughable''. I'd laugh, but I'm biologically incapable. ''That's'' how alien I am! And even I'm sitting here listening to the two of you and being like, "WHAT THE '''FUCK?!?'''" So! Good luck with your shitty marriage, and tell Rick I'm sorry he has to deal with EITHER of you! Blim Blam '''OUT!''' ''[mic-drops the device and leaves, only to come back for the device]'' You know what? I'm taking this. === ''Total Rickall'' [2.04] === :''[Rick shoots Uncle Steve in the head with his laser gun; everyone freaks out]'' :'''Morty''': What the hell, Rick?! What the hell?! :'''Rick''': Would everybody just relax for a second? There's no such thing as an "Uncle Steve". ''That'' is an alien parasite. ''[Steve's body morphs into a horrifyingly-looking alien, spraying magenta enzymes out of its mouth tentacles at Jerry. Summer and Beth gasp]'' :'''Jerry''': But I've known him my whole life! :'''Rick''': No, you haven't, Jerry! ''[brings it onto table]'' These telepathic little bastards, they embed themselves in memories and th-th-they use those to multiply and spread out, take over planets. It's-it's disgusting. :'''Morty''': Steve wasn't real?! :'''Rick''': He's a real piece of shit! This is a big one. ''[drops it]'' Somebody probably tracked it in last week on the bottom of their shoe or on a piece of alien fruit. :'''Summer''': Someone? :'''Rick''': Get off the high road, Summer! We all got pinkeye because you won't stop texting on the toilet. :'''Morty''': But Uncle Steve taught me how to ride a bike! :'''Rick''': No, "''Steve''" put that memory in your brain so he could live in your house, eat your food and multiply. We could be infested with these things. ''[burps, unloads laser clip]'' So, we got to keep an eye out for any zany, wacky characters that pop up. :'''Mr. Poopybutthole''': Oooohwee! Whatever you want, Rick, we're here to help! :'''Rick''': Thanks, Mr. Poopybutthole. I always could count on you. <hr width=50%> :'''Sleepy Gary''': I think you should put down the gun and we should get you to a doctor. What do you say we take down these blast shields? :'''Rick''': I can't do that, Sleepy Gary. All right, everybody listen to me! I don't know if any of you guys are real, but this house has been infested with fake loved ones that spread through fake memories, and our planet will be destroyed if they get out. :'''Pencilvester''': ''[grunts]'' But Rick, even you have to admit you do tend to overreact to stuff. :''[cutaway to living room with Frankenstein, Morty, Ghost In a Jar, Pencilvester, Beth and Sleepy Gary]'' :'''Rick''': You guys! We gotta hurry! I just got back from {{w|Walmart}}, they're selling {{w|Nintendo 3DS}} systems for 149.99 on sale, plus every time you buy one, you get a $50 gift card—brings the total price down to $110 after tax! Now listen! We can flip those sons of bitches for 230 bucks apiece easy! They're all limited-edition "{{w|The Legend of Zelda|Zelda}}" ones! Hurry! Hurry, come with me! We can be rich, and we also all get to keep one and we can play {{w|Nintendo}} games! ''[exits, comes back]'' Nintendo, give me free stuff. :''[back to present]'' :'''Rick''': Okay, yes, I definitely remember doing that, but also, I would never do that! :'''Pencilvester''': Don't overreact, Rick. === ''Get Schwifty'' [2.05] === :'''Morty''': Mr. President, if I've learned one thing today, it's that sometimes you have to not give a fuck! <hr width=50%> :'''Rick''': Wh-what do you think, Ice? Probably a little overdeveloped. :'''Ice-T''': Shit. Overdeveloped, underdeveloped, a bad song's a bag song. :'''Rick''': Well, do you think, maybe— Could you give me some help with it or...? :'''Ice-T''': Aw, hell no, man. You do your thing, but I can't afford to get my pride wrapped up in your shame. You know what I'm saying? :'''Rick''': Ice, I don't want to be a Negative Nelly or anything, but ''ihh''-if Morty doesn't come back with my portal gun and I eat it out there, it's, uh, y'know, kind of your problem too. :'''Ice-T''': Pfft! I ain't worried about no Earth blowing up, man. :'''Rick''': What? Why not? :'''Ice-T''': Yo, this is why. ''[his body turns into a giant floating block of ice]'' :'''Rick''': What the fuck? You can turn into ice?! :'''Ice-T''': My story begins at the dawn of time in the faraway realm of Alphabetrium. There, every being is a letter of the alphabet. But I was frozen and exiled to the cosmos by my elders as punishment for not caring enough about ''anything''. Earth is just one of my many stops on a lifelong journey with no destination. So you better believe I don't care if it blows up. Because I'll just be ice floating through space, like a comet! :'''Rick''': Take it from me, Ice. Y''ouu'' can't just ''eh''-float around space not caring about stuff forever. :'''Ice-T''': Pssh! Man, watch me. Good luck, Rick. === ''{{w|The Ricks Must Be Crazy}}'' [2.06] === :'''Morty''': ''[phased into a room]'' Oh, man! Where are we, Rick? :'''Rick''': Morty, remember eight seconds ago when— ''[burps]'' when you said "Go inside what?" and I said "The battery"? And then we showed up here and I wasn't like, "Whoa, this is unexpected. This is not what I was expecting, Morty. What a perplexing mystery this is." :'''Morty''': All right, all right. We're inside the battery, I get it. You don't have to bust my balls. :'''Rick''': Huh, this isn't right. This pipe's supposed to be sending 20 terawatts of juice to the... engine, Morty. Instead, we've got... ''zero''? Now what are these people doing?! :'''Morty''': W-W-W-Whoa... People? :'''Rick''': ''Ugh''... It's time for some hands-on engine repair. All right, Morty, hold on to something. :'''Morty''': Whoa! :''[the engine room hovers out of a volcano and flies into a civilized city]'' :'''Morty''': Holy crap! I thought we were inside your car battery, Rick! T-T-This is like a whole p-planet or something! :'''Rick''': Thanks, Morty. I'm pretty proud of this bad boy. Check it out. ''[shows hologram]'' I put a spatially tessellated void inside a modified temporal field until a planet developed intelligent life. I then introduced that life to the wonders of electricity, which they now generate on a global scale. And, you know, some of it goes to power my engine and charge my phone and stuff. :'''Morty''': You have a whole planet... sitting around making your power for you?! That's [[slavery]]! :'''Rick''': It's [[society]]! They work for each other, Morty. They pay each other, they buy houses, they get married and make children that replace them when they get too old to make power. :'''Morty''': That just sounds like slavery with extra steps! :'''Rick''': Ooh-la-la, someone's gonna get laid in college. <hr width=50%/> :'''Zeep''': You do realize this will make the floooble crank obsolete? ''[Rick flexes his bones]'' This is wrong, Kyle. What you're doing is wrong. You're basically... ''[scoffs, Rick mouths his words]'' This is slavery. You're talking about creating a planet of slaves. :'''Rick''': ''[burps]'' Told you, Zeep. :'''Kyle''': Oh, they won't be slaves. They'll work for each other and pay each other money. :'''Zeep''': That just sounds like slavery with ex...tra... steps... ''[turns to Rick]'' :'''Rick''': What? :'''Zeep''': Wait a minute... ''[grabs him]'' Did you create my universe?! Is my universe a miniverse?! :'''Rick''': Microverse!! :'''Kyle''': Uh, teenyverse. :'''Rick''': ''[Zeep removes his antenna headband]'' Ugh! You bastard!! ''[removes Zeep's mask]'' :'''Zeep''': Much obliged! ''[pummels into Rick fighting each other]'' :'''Kyle''': What the hell is happening? :'''Morty''': This is healthy. Trust me. :'''Rick''': You're my battery, motherfucker! ''[punches Zeep]'' That's all you are! I made you!! Your microverse sucks!! And your miniverse is the size of a fucking lobster tank!! It's whack!! :'''Kyle''': Are they not really aliens? :'''Morty''': Nah, they're just a couple of... crazy, wacky scientists, y'know? :'''Kyle''': So he made a universe, and that guy is from that universe, and that guy made a universe... and that's the universe where I was born? Where my father died... Where I couldn't make time for his funeral because I was working on ''my'' universe. :'''Morty''': ''[laughs]'' Yeah! Science, huh? Ain't it a thing. Y'know, one time, Rick sh— accidentally shot his laser pistol right through my hand. Ha, y'know, I mean, like... o...old-lady science, y'know? She-she-she's... she's a real... ''[Kyle walks away]'' You gotta hang on tight, y'know? Because she... she'll, she bucks really hard. ''[Kyle enters engine room pod, flies it straight into a canyon]'' Ohh, boy, wha— Oh my God, no!! :''[the pod crashes into the canyon; Morty looks down at its flaming debris in the river with Rick and Zeep looking down]'' :'''Zeep/Rick''': Teenyverse. <hr width=50%/> :'''Zeep''': Asshole! When I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna smash it to pieces with you in it! :'''Rick''': Yeah, well, when ''I'' get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna get out of the surrounding miniverse, and then the microverse around that, and guess what?! :'''Morty''': Don't make things worse, Rick! ''[to Zeep]'' Uh, he's not gonna destroy your universe, ya know? W-We need it to start our car-- :'''Zeep''': ''[aghast]'' THAT'S what you use my universe for?! TO RUN YOUR CAR?! :'''Rick''': Yeah, but don't flatter yourself! There's always triple-A, you fucking cocksucker! === ''Big Trouble in Little Sanchez'' [2.07] === :'''Summer''': Wait, what?! Vampires are real?! :'''Rick''': Yes, Summer, vampires are real. Who knew? Oh right, all humanity for hundreds of years now. :'''Morty''': Yeah, Summer, it's a big universe. Get used to it. R-Right, Rick? :'''Summer''': Well, what are we going to do?! :'''Rick''': We're gonna live our lives until we die. Possibly by vampire. More likely auto accident or heart disease, but possibly vampire. <hr width="50%"/> :''[meanwhile, in Harry Herpson High School]'' :'''Summer''': Any leads on the vampire? :'''Morty''': No, Summer. I mean, y'know, I think it might be time that we just l-let it go. :'''Summer''': Oh, so now you're too cool for this just because Grandpa Rick is? :'''Morty''': It's not that, it's just... that the universe is a little too big to care about something so small. ''[closes locker next to Tiny Rick]'' Ahh! :'''Tiny Rick''': What up, my Helsings?! Who wants to hunt a vampire?! Hahaha! :'''Morty''': Rick?! H-How did you— :'''Tiny Rick''': Yeah, I got bored and then I remembered this morning how I blew Summer off and I thought, "Hey, why're you such a grumpy douche, Rick? Go to the garage, transfer your mind into a younger clone of yourself, and get embroiled on in some youthful hijinks. What's the BFD?" So here I am. I'm Tiny Rick!! :'''Morty''': O-o-okay... :'''Summer''': Well, it's good you're here, Rick. :'''Tiny Rick''': It'll still be fun to do this as a fuckin' team, motherfuckas! ''[all hands join, up high]'' Tiny Rick! :'''Summer''': Yeah! Oh my God—Toby Matthews! :'''Tiny Rick''': Hey, Toby. I'm Tiny Rick. ''[Summer hides her face]'' I'm new. Hey—oh, go easy on me. Haha! Just kiddin'. :'''Toby Matthews''': ''[beat]'' ..I like your straightforward style. And that lab coat's pretty cool. ''[strolls]'' Summer. :'''Summer''': ..He knows my name! :'''Tiny Rick''': Why wouldn't he?! You're great! But listen, just be careful. We can't rule anybody out as the vampire, ''[nudges Summer's arm]'' not even the dreamboats. :'''Summer''': ''[flattered]'' Stop, Tiny Rick. :'''Tiny Rick''': HUNTIN' A VAMPIRE WITH MY GRANDKIIIDS!! FUCK!! '''''TINY RIIICK!!!''''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tiny Rick''': Hey, what's up, Summer? Ooh, nice top. :'''Summer''': Thanks. Tiny Rick, you think you might be getting back into your old body tonight? :'''Tiny Rick''': No can do. Tonight's the big dance, and Morty's bringing Jessica. He needs his tiny wingman! ''[high-fives Morty]'' :'''Both''': Tiny Rick! ''[Morty laughs]'' :'''Summer''': Okay, but if not tonight, when? :'''Tiny Rick''': I dunno. When I feel like it? :'''Morty''': Damn, girl! You need to chill out! This whole thing was your idea in the first place, and now you're tryin' to rush it along. :'''Tiny Rick''': Yeah, and y'know what? I like high school. I like hangin' out. I'm Tiny Rick! :'''Summer''': But what if the you that likes it ''isn't'' you? :'''Both''': ''[beat, laugh out loud]'' Oh, Summer! :'''Morty''': It's just Rick in a younger body! What's the-what's-what's-what's... what's the problem? :'''Summer''': Look at his art, Morty! :'''Tiny Rick''': I've got an emo streak. It's part of what makes me so rad. :'''Summer''': Why does it say "Help me Morty and Summer!"?! :'''Tiny Rick''': ''[crumbles, throws paper]'' Come on, Summer, that's just the title of the art. Why was [[Knight Rider (1982 TV series)|Knight Rider]] called Knight Rider? The car's name was KITT. Nobody rode Michael Knight. You're overthinkin' it, Summer. I'm Tiny Rick!! :'''Summer''': Grandpa, I think that when you put your mind into this body's young brain, it did what young brains do—it shoved the bad thoughts into the back and put a large wall around them. But those bad thoughts are the real Rick. The fact that you're old, the fact that we're all going to die one day, the fact that the universe is so big, nothing in it matters—those facts are who you are! So you're trapped in there and you can only come out in the form of Tiny Rick's teen angst! :'''Tiny Rick''': Well, Summer, I hear Toby Matthews isn't into psycho chicks. Can't think of anyone that is. I'll see you motherfuckas at the dance! Tiny Rick! :'''Summer''': Morty, you have to help me! :'''Morty''': Summer, he's happy! I'm happy! I-I-Is that why you're doing this?! You don't want me and Rick to be happy?! :'''Summer''': No! :'''Morty''': Well, then get your shit together! Get it all together and put it in a backpack—all your shit, so it's together. ''[leaves, then comes back]'' And if you gotta take it somewhere, take it somewhere, you know? Take it to the shit store and sell it, o-or put it in a shit museum. I don't care what you do! You just gotta get it together! ''[leaves, then comes back again]'' Get your shit together. ''[leaves]'' === ''Interdimensional Cable 2: Tempting Fate'' [2.08] === :'''Jerry''': W...where am I? :'''Alien Doctor''': Relax, Mr. Smith. You're in an alien hospital. I mean, to you, it's an alien hospital. To me, you're just in a hospital. There's another matter we need to discuss with you. :'''Jerry''': Okay. :'''Ambassador''': An hour ago, Shrimply Pibbles, the galaxy's most influential civil rights leader, was brought to this hospital's emergency room where he is currently fighting for his life. :'''Jerry''': My God! :'''Ambassador''': Mr. Smith, Shrimply Pibbles' life can be saved... if we replace his heart with your human penis. :'''Jerry''': I see... Wait, what?! ''[the doctor presents an anatomical hologram to Jerry]'' :'''Alien Doctor''': It's perfect. The configuration of veins, the ratio of thickness to elasticity, the delicate asymmetry of what you call your balls—and with relatively few adjustments, your genitals can be moulded into a functioning heart for the most important man in the universe. :'''Jerry''': Yeah, but, I mean— :'''Yarp''': Oh, forget it! I told you this was a waste of time! :'''Ambassador''': Have respect, Yarp. The Earth man's world is tiny and undeveloped. He knows nothing of the genocides of Clorgon, or the tragic events of 65.3432.23/14. :'''Shrimply Pibbles''': And even if he did, he wouldn't comprehend them. I've dwelt among the humans. Their entire culture is built around their penises. It's funny to say they are small. It's funny to say they are big. I've been at parties where humans held bottles, pencils, thermoses in front of themselves and called out, "Hey, look at me. I'm Mr. So-and-So Dick. I've got such-as-such for a penis." I never saw it fail to get a laugh. :'''Jerry''': All right! That's enough! You guys are talking about my species! We understand genocide! We do it sometimes! :'''Ambassador''': Then you would give your penis so that Shrimply Pibbles might live? :'''Yarp''': Stop asking! :'''Jerry''': Yes, I will! That's right, assholes! Take my penis. Take it all!! And tell Shrimply Pibbles that when the galaxy came calling, Jerry Smith from Earth ''didn't'' flinch! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Announcer''': It's the Opposite News with Michael Thompson! :'''Michael Thompson''': Hey, everybody, it's me, Michael Thompson. Today the Pope ''didn't'' get killed. He's perfectly fine, and he's on vacation in Aruba. In other opposite news... :'''Morty''': Hey, Rick, what's the deal with this guy? W-Why is his body, like, sloping off to the right side of the screen like that? :'''Rick''': I don't know, Morty. Let's see what else is on, huh? ''[changes channel]'' :'''Pichael Thompson''': Hey, welcome to Cooking Things. I'm Pichael Thompson. :'''Morty''': Hey, wait a minute, Rick! This guy's body is, like, sloping down and leaning off to screen left! :'''Rick''': Oh my God, and his name's Pichael! :'''Pichael Thompson''': I'm cooking a little bit of this, I'm gonna cook a little bit of that. Oh-ho-ho, hey! ''[drags conjoined Michael]'' Stop tugging, Michael! :'''Morty''': Oh my God! Siamese twins! They're-they're Siamese twins! :'''Michael Thompson''': You quit tugging! I-I'm in the middle of my news! :'''Pichael Thompson''': Oh, oh, it's always about you, isn't it? Can you believe this guy, ladies and gentlemen? He's got his own news show, he's got a normal name! :'''Morty''': Hey, flip back to the news! :'''Rick''': Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. :'''Pichael Thompson''': You could tell our parents started with naming with him. ''[the news camera backs away, showing them in Pichael's side]'' It's like, "Oh, Michael." I ha— They had that one planned before they even got pregnant, I bet. :'''Summer''': I don't wanna be that girl, but maybe there would be less conflict if they didn't shoot their shows at the same time? :'''Rick''': Oh, Summer, you have no idea how much money that must save production. :'''Pichael Thompson''': And then they found out I was attached along for the ride and they said, "Ah, shit. Well, just fuck it, call him Pichael." :'''Michael Thompson''': ''[throws papers at Pichael's face]'' Fuck you, Pichael! You're a fucking piece of shit! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Summer''': Does all interdimensional TV have to rely on juvenile violence? :'''Morty''': Well, Summer, maybe people that create things aren't concerned with your delicate sensibilities, y'know? M-Maybe the species that communicate with each other ''through the filter of your comfort'' are less evolved than the ones that just communicate! Maybe your problems are your own to deal with, and maybe the public giving a shit about your feelings is a one-way ticket to EXTINCTION! :'''Rick''': Geez, Morty. I take it Katherine Heffelfinger hasn't texted you back yet? :'''Morty''': I don't wanna talk about it! === ''Look Who's Purging Now'' [2.09] === :'''Rick''': Hey, Muchacho, does your planet have wiper fluid yet or you gonna freak out and start worshipping us? :'''Villager''': The general store ought to have what you need. :'''Rick''': Thanks. :'''Villager''': Of course, you'll be wanting to be gone from here by sundown. :'''Rick''': Yeah, sure thing. Wait a minute, what? Why? :'''Villager''': Sundown is when the Festival begins. :'''Morty''': The Festival? :'''Villager''': Ooh, well, for millennia, our society has been free of crime and war, livin' in perfect peace. :'''Rick''': Oh! I know what this is! You've been able to sustain world peace because you have one night a year, where you all run around robbing and murdering each other without consequence! :'''Villager''': That's right! :'''Morty''': What?! :'''Rick''': It's like ''[[The Purge]]'', Morty! Th-That movie, ''The Purge''? :'''Villager''': Oh, have you been here before? :'''Rick''': No, no, but I've been to a few planets with the same gimmick. Y'know, sometimes it's called the Cleansing or the Red Time. There was this one world that called it just Murder Night. I-It's a purge planet. They're peaceful and then, y'know, they just purge. :'''Morty''': Th-That's horrible! :'''Rick''': Yeah. ''[beat]'' You wanna check it out? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Morty''': You're the worst! And this planet is the worst! How can you be into this, y'know?! People are gonna kill each other! :'''Rick''': So, what, y-y-you tryin' to sit here and tell me that ''iiif''-- if there's a video online with someone getting decapitated, you don't click on it? :'''Morty''': No! Why... why would I do that?! ''You'' do that?! :'''Rick''': I don't, because it would bore me. I see shit like that for breakfast, Morty. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Arthricia crawls out of Rick's ship before being confronted by Rick and Morty in power armor. Rick aims at her]'' :'''Arthricia''': Wait, stop! Please don't kill me! I-I never intended to harm you, I swear! I am trying to end the Festival! :'''Rick''': Wh-what-what do you mean? :'''Arthricia''': I was going to use your ship to destroy the rich assholes that run our society and save my people from the horrors of this yearly Festival! :'''Morty''': ''[still frenzied]'' FUCK THAT, RICK! WE GOTTA KILL HER! KILL HER! KILL HER!! :'''Rick''': Whoa! Geez, Morty, purge it down a little. :'''Morty''': "PURGE, DON'T PURGE"?! YOU'RE SENDING ME MIXED MESSAGES, RICK! :'''Rick''': Morty, ''yehh''-you're acting like a ''ehh''-freaking lunatic. Calm down. :'''Morty''': SCREW YOU, RICK! I'LL PURGE YOU TOO, YOU OLD... "RICKETY" PIECE OF CRAP! THIS HAS BEEN A LONG TIME COMING! I'M GONNA RIP YOUR FUCKING GUTS OUT AND SMEAR 'EM ALL OVER YOUR FACE! I AIN'T TAKING NO SH-''AAAHH!! [gets zapped by Rick]'' :'''Rick''': Okay, s-sorry about that. Now, where are these rich people? === ''{{w|The Wedding Squanchers}}'' [2.10] === :'''Jerry''': Uh, Rick, is there anything you'd like to tell us about your relationship with this... previously unknown galactic government? :'''Rick''': All the important points seem pretty clear, no? They think they control the galaxy, I disagree. Don't hate the player, hate the game, son. :'''Jerry''': How could you be so dishonest with this family?! :'''Rick''': Oh! Oh, should I have been more open and trusting and loving like, oh, I don't know—my now ''dead'' best friend?! Or your daughter, who is BFFs with an intergalactic narc?! :'''Summer''': Hey, Tammy was cool! :'''Rick''': And now we know why! :'''Summer''': Because of you! :'''Rick''': Fuck you, Summer! And fuck the government! And fuck me for letting my guard down, which I will '''NEVER''' DO AGAIN. :'''Morty''': Geez, Rick! You can't say f— "'f' you" to your granddaughter! :'''Rick''': I just did, Morty. Here's dessert: fuck ''you.'' :'''Beth''': Look, I think we've all had a tough wedding. Actually, the wedding was beautiful. The reception got out of hand. Anyway, I say we go home, sleep it off, and have a family meeting in the morning. :'''Rick''': Yeah, about going home? We can't. ''Ever.'' :'''Smiths''': Wait, what?! / What?! :'''Rick''': Oh, these guys are looking for us now. Earth will be swarming with them. :'''Jerry''': ''Us?!'' :'''Beth''': Jerry— :'''Jerry''': I want to go home! :'''Rick''': Look, anyone that wants to go back to Earth is free to go back to Earth. But here's what's gonna happen. Alien bureaucrats are gonna arrest you. They're gonna put the intergalactic equivalent of ''ehh''-jumper cables under your nuts and/or labia, and hook 'em up to an alien car battery until you tell them where I am - which I guarantee you you're not gonna know, which I guarantee ''they'' won't believe! So who's homesick? By applause. ''[Summer starts crying]'' Ladies? Anybody? :'''Summer''': What are we going to do?! Where are we going to live?! :'''Rick''': Take it easy. This is a blessing in disguise. Fuck Earth. You realize our planet's name means "dirt", right? We'll find a new world. Computer, how many planets in the Milky Way are at least 90 percent similar to Earth? :'''Computer''': ''[calculates]'' "''765 known planets.''" :'''Rick''': How many of those are outside federal jurisdiction? :'''Computer''': "''Three.''" :'''Rick''': See? Our cup runneth over. Now, who wants to go shopping for a brand-new motherfuckin' world?! All right! <hr width="50%"> :'''Jerry''': Okay, now that he's gone, can we please talk about our situation? :'''Morty''': Dad, you can't talk about people behind their back. Y'know, it's a small world. :'''Jerry''': Please, he's in the south pole! And ''we'' need to have a serious conversation! :''[Rick strolls casually past a terrain of pine and palm trees before taking off his coat. He puts it on again through a rain cloud. He arrives at the south pole, plants the flag into the snow]'' :'''Rick''': South pole discovered, baby! Oohhhh!! Oh, fuck, an ice cave?! Shit! ''[crawls into it]'' Things just keep on getting better! ''[reaches a heated area, starts shimmying at the side]'' Wow, it's the planet's core. :'''Jerry''': ''[heard above]'' I'm just saying, we keep acting like there's only two options, ''[Rick climbs up and eavesdrops underneath the cabin floorboards]'' but there's not. So, yes, if we went back to Earth, as long as Rick was out there, they'd want to interrogate us. But, and this is purely hypothetical—what if we turned your father into the government? :'''Beth''': Jerry, so help me God, if you ever bring this up again, no more bacon! :'''Jerry''': There already is no more bacon! This world sucks! Our life sucks! Why are doing this for someone that would ''never'' do anything for anyone but himself?! :'''Morty''': That's not the point, Dad! We love Rick! ... F-F-For the most part. :'''Summer''': Yeah, you don't love people in hopes of a reward, Dad. You love them unconditionally. :'''Beth''': That's very good, kids. I'm proud of you. :'''Jerry''': Okay, so let me get this straight. For the rest of your lives, no matter how much it hurts you, no matter how much it destroys our children's futures, we're gonna do whatever Rick wants, whenever he wants? :'''Morty/Summer/Beth''': Yes! :'''Jerry''': ''WHY?!'' :'''Beth''': Because I don't want him to leave again, you dumb asshole! == Season 3 == === ''{{w|The Rickshank Rickdemption}}'' [3.01] === :'''Cornvelious Daniel''': I can see why you chose this family-friendly restaurant to represent your cerebellum. So safe, so comfortable, so Shoney's. But admit it, Rick—you're going crazy cooped up in here. Let's go visit some memories. :'''Rick''': Oh, any particular ones? You want to see my first boner, or should we go straight to the moment I discovered {{w|interdimensional travel}}? ''[Cornvelious Daniel is squealing with arousal]'' Ooh, your little flappy doodles are twitching. Does that mean you're aroused, or did you just get a signal that one of your buddies found a grape? :'''Cornvelious Daniel''': It's arousal. Yes, I'd like very much to visit the memory of you inventing your portal gun. :'''Rick''': Yeah, well, tough titties. ''[the restaurant starts crumbling around Cornvelious Daniel and Rick]'' :'''Cornvelious Daniel''': There's no tougher titty than a psychotic break, Rick. :'''Rick''': Well, that depends on who breaks first—me or the titty. <hr width=50% /> :'''Morty''': Geez! Are my parents seriously gonna get divorced? All right, Rick, I'm gonna go to my-- :'''Rick''': ''[grabs him]'' Ah-ah, not so fast, Morty! You heard your mom. We've got adventures to go on, Morty, just you and me. And sometimes your sister and sometimes your mom, but ''never'' your dad. You wanna know why, Morty? Because he ''crossed'' me. :'''Morty''': Okay, take it easy, Rick. T-T-That's dark. :'''Rick''': Oh, it gets darker, Morty. Welcome to the darkest year of our adventures. First thing that's different: no more Dad, Morty! :'''Morty''': Oh, geez... :'''Rick''': He threatened to turn me in to the government, so I made him and the government go away! :'''Morty''': Oh, fuck...! :'''Rick''': I've repl''aaaa''ced them both as the ''de facto'' patriarch of your family ''and'' your universe. :'''Morty''': Oh, man... :'''Rick''': Your mom wouldn't have accepted me if I came home without you and your sister, so now you know the ''real'' reason I rescued you. I just took over the family, Morty! And if you tell your mom or sister I said any of this, I'll deny it! :'''Morty''': You're gonna deny it... :'''Rick''': And they'll take my side because I'm a hero, Morty! And now you're gonna have to go and do whatever I say, Morty! Forever! And I'll-- I'll go out and I'll find some more of that ''[[w:Mulan (1998 film)|Mulan]]'' Szechuan teriyaki dipping sauce, Morty! :'''Morty''': What are you talking about? :'''Rick''': Because that's-- ''that's'' what this is all about, Morty! :'''Morty''': "Szechuan"? :'''Rick''': That's my one-armed man! I'm not driven by avenging my dead family, Morty - that was fake! I-I-I'm driven by finding that McNugget sauce! :'''Morty''': "Nuggets"? :'''Rick''': I want that ''Mulan'' McNugget sauce, Morty! That's my series arc, Morty! :'''Morty''': What the hell?! :'''Rick''': If it takes nine seasons! I want my McNugget dipping sauce, Szechuan sauce, Morty! :'''Morty''': What are you talking about, Rick?! :'''Rick''': That's what's gonna take us all the way to the end, Morty! :'''Morty''': What are you talking about?! :'''Rick''': Season-- Nine more seasons, Morty! Nine more seasons until I get that dipping Szechuan sauce! :'''Morty''': What is that?! :''[The garage closes]'' :'''Rick''': For 97 more years, Morty! :'''Morty''': What are you talking about?! :'''Rick''': '''''I want that McNugget sauce, Morty!''''' === ''{{w|Rickmancing the Stone}}'' [3.02] === :'''Morty''': Summer, next time we're hiding in a chlorkian echo nest, can you do me a favour and turn your ringer off?! :'''Summer''': It's called ''[[w:carpe diem|carpe diem]]'', Morty. Look it up. :'''Morty''': ''You'' look it up, you don't... you don't even know what it means. :'''Summer''': That's because losers look stuff up while the rest of us are carp'en all them 'diems. :'''Rick''': Listen to your sister, Morty. To live is to risk it all, otherwise you're just an inert chunk of randomly assembled molecules drifting wherever the universe blows you. Oh, I'm sorry, Jerry, I didn't see you there, how much of that did you hear? :'''Jerry''': All of it. You were looking right at me. ''[sighs]'' I just... wanted to say goodbye to the kids. :'''Rick''': Cool. Just stay in the driveway; the kill-bots are live, and I took you off the whitelist. <hr width="50%"> :''[Summer walks with Hemorrhage's group through an abandoned city shooting hordes of mutants]'' :'''Summer''': How come you guys dress like you're in a theme-park stunt show, but these guys wear {{w|khaki}}s and {{w|hockey jersey}}s? ''[Hemorrhage's man shoots a mutant]'' :'''Hemorrhage''': After the boom-boom, some adapted to the new truth, and some chose to huddle near the boomy holes, clinging to the lie of the before-fore times. ''[shoots a mutant]'' The raidy-rays rotted them away, ''[approaches group of mutants on a billboard]'' leaving only their love for the vert-vert-isements on billyboards. :'''Summer''': Jesus Christ! Did the boomy-booms blow up all your wordy-word books? :'''Hemorrhage''': You mean {{w|dictionary|dictionaries}}? ''[Summer and Hemorrhage shoot the mutants down; Hemorrhage kneels down on the billboard and places his hand on the boy of a family]'' I think I was a child before the boom-booms. I think I looked like this. :'''Summer''': Want to piss on him? :'''Hemorrhage''': Get out of my head. === ''{{w|Pickle Rick}}'' [3.03] === :'''Pickle Rick''': ''[Morty comes to the garage]'' Morty! :'''Morty''': Rick? W-where are you? :'''Pickle Rick''': On my workbench, Morty. :'''Morty''': Are you invisible and you're gonna, like, fart on me? :'''Pickle Rick''': Flip the pickle over. ''[Morty walks to the workbench]'' :'''Morty''': What, I'm gonna touch it, and you're gonna tell me it's an alien dick or something? :'''Pickle Rick''': Come on, flip the pickle, Morty. ''[Morty holds a screwdriver]'' You're not gonna regret it. The payoff is huge. ''[Morty turns pickle over with Rick's face on it]'' I turned myself into a pickle, Morty! Boom! Big reveal! I'm a pickle! What do you think about that? I turned myself into a pickle! W-what are you just staring at me for, bro? I turned myself into a pickle, Morty. :'''Morty''': And? :'''Pickle Rick''': "And"? What more do you want tacked on to this? I turned myself into a pickle, and [[September 11 attacks|9/11]] was an inside job? :'''Morty''': Was it? :'''Pickle Rick''': Who cares, Morty? Global acts of terrorism happen every day. Uh, here's something that's never happened before: I'm a pickle! '''''I'M PICKLE RIIIIICK!''''' <hr width="50%"> :''[Pickle Rick comes into Dr. Wong's room with Beth, Summer and Morty]'' :'''Dr. Wong''': You must be Rick. :'''Pickle Rick''': Mm-hmm. :'''Dr. Wong''': I've heard a lot about you today. Your family is crazy about you, your daughter holds you in very high regard, you're a lucky fella. :'''Pickle Rick''': Yeah, yeah, yeah, thank you. Hey, sweetie, you don't still happen to have that syringe in your purse? :''[Beth looks to Dr. Wong, who nods to her to speak]'' :'''Beth''': Dad, I would like you to tell me what's in the syringe. :'''Pickle Rick''': It's a serum that I need to, uh...to stay alive. I have...had a rough day, and, uh...I've sustained a lot of damage, I'm pretty close to death, which the serum will prevent. :'''Dr. Wong''': By changing you from a pickle to a human. :'''Pickle Rick''': ''[long pause]'' Yes. :'''Dr. Wong''': Rick, why did you lie to your daughter? :'''Pickle Rick''': So I wouldn't have to come here. :'''Dr. Wong''': Why didn't you want to come here? :'''Pickle Rick''': Because I don't respect therapy. Because I'm a scientist. Because I invent, transform, create, and destroy for a living, and when I don't like something about the world, I change it. And I don't think going to a rented office in a strip mall to listen to some agent of averageness explain which words mean which feelings has ever helped anyone do anything. I think it's helped a lot of people get comfortable and stop panicking, which is a state of mind ''[belch]'' we value in the animals we eat, but not something I want for myself. I'm not a cow. I'm a pickle. When I feel like it. So... you asked. :'''Dr. Wong''': Rick, the only connection between your unquestionable intelligence and the sickness destroying your family is that everyone in your family, you included, use intelligence to justify sickness. You seem to alternate between viewing your own mind as an unstoppable force and as an inescapable curse. And I think it's because the only truly unapproachable concept for you is that it's ''your'' mind within ''your'' control. You chose to come here, you chose to talk to belittle my vocation, just as you chose to become a pickle. You are the master of your universe - and yet you are dripping with rat blood and feces, your enormous mind literally vegetating by your own hand. I have no doubt that you would be bored senseless by therapy, the same way I'm bored when I brush my teeth and wipe my ass. Because the thing about repairing, maintaining, and cleaning is it's not an adventure. There's no way to do it so wrong you might die. It's just work. And the bottom line is, some people are okay going to work, and some people... well, some people would rather die. Each of us gets to choose. === ''{{w|Vindicators 3: The Return of Worldender}}'' [3.04] === :'''Morty''': Rick, is this a ''[[w:Saw (franchise)|Saw]]'' thing? Are you seriously ''Sawing'' the Vindicators? :'''Rick''': Morty, I'm a drunk, not a hack. :'''Drunk Rick in video''': If you break the rules, lose the game or try to leave, you will die... like in ''[burps]'' ''Saaaaw''... <hr width="50%"> :'''Rick''': Jesus Christ, what a shitty neutrino bomb. it's a miracle I actually ever destroy anything. :'''Morty''': Oh, I don't know. You managed to destroy just about everything today: the villains, the heroes, the lines between them, my childhood... :'''Rick''': Thank ''you''. I appreciate it, Morty. I know you were sucking the Kool-Aid out of the Vindicators' dicks, so the fact that I was right about them must be pretty hard to admit. :'''Morty''': Yeah, it is. You know why, Rick? Because when you're an asshole, it doesn't matter how right you are, nobody wants to give you the satisfaction. :'''Morty''': I know. Everyone wants people they like to be right. That's why popular people are fucking dumb. And why your pretentious, poorly-written, high-budget friends back there can eat a double-decker shit sandwich. ''[the bomb powers down]'' Disarmed. :'''Morty''': Holy shit, you're ''jealous!'' === ''{{w|The Whirly Dirly Conspiracy}}'' [3.05] === :'''Jerry''': ''[being swallowed by a Gibble Snake]'' I'm sorry! I-I made a mistake, I won't do it again! :'''Rick''': Nobody ever does. :'''Jerry''': You self-righteous piece of shit! You took my family! :'''Rick''': "''I'' took ''your'' family"? Who do you think had taken more from them when you shot 20 CCs of liquid dreamkiller into my daughter? She was Rick's daughter, Jerry! She had options! :'''Gibble Snake''': Oof... :'''Rick''': That all ended because she felt sorry for you! You act like prey, but you're a predator! You use pity to lure in your victims! That's how you survive! I survive cause I know everything, that snake survives because children wander off, and you survive cause people think "Ooh, this poor piece of shit, he never gets a break! I can't stand the deafening silent wails of his wilting soul! I guess I'll hire him or marry him!" <hr width=50%> :'''Beth''': Just stay put, sweetie! Mom's still on hold! :'''Morphizer Customer Service Worker''': Morphizer Customer Service Worker. How may I help you? :'''Beth''': Yes, I'm having a little trouble with one of your machines. :'''Morphizer Customer Service Worker''': Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, ma'am. Do you see a little compartment on the side of the machine? :'''Beth''': Let me check.... Yes, got it. :'''Morty''': Mom? :'''Morphizer Customer Service Worker''': Great! Now, do you see the little button next to it? :'''Beth''': I do. :'''Morphizer Customer Service Worker''': Give that button a push. :'''Beth''': Okay. ''[pushes button]'' :'''Morty''': Mom, listen to me-- :'''Morphizer Customer Service Worker''': WE'RE FREE! ''[the Morphizer Customer Service Workers run out of Rick's machine]'' :'''Beth''': Okay, so I pushed the button, and three little men ran out. What do I do next? … Hello? I think we got disconnected-- ''[Morty angrily snatches Beth's phone, throws it onto the pavement and stamps on it]'' Morty! :'''Morty''': Don't "Morty" me! I tricked Rick into taking Dad on an adventure because I thought I could get a break from this kind of shit! But no! Like father, like goddamn daughter! You wanna be like Rick?! Congratulations! You're just as arrogant and just as irresponsible! :'''Gene''': ''[pops up]'' Everything okay here? :'''Morty''': Mind your own goddamn business, Gene! I'm having a conversation with my mother here! ''[Gene walks away]'' Kissing Rick's ass isn't gonna make him stay, Mom, but it ''will'' help you lose everyone else. :'''Beth''': Like I lost Summer. :'''Morty''': Hey, you haven't lost her yet. :'''Beth''': No, I definitely did. She's gone. :'''Morty''': ''[looks at the crashed garage]'' Goddammit! === ''{{w|Rest and Ricklaxation}}'' [3.06] === :'''Toxic Rick''': Yeah, motherfucker, YEAH! Get it! Get some! Right up your fucking bitch ass, you fuck! ''[to Toxic Morty]'' Guess who just discovered a new element?! Think you could do that, Morty? You think anyone but me could do that, ever in a billion years?! Do you think if God existed, he could do it?! The answer is no! If God exists, it's fucking ''ME!'' <hr width=50%> :'''Mr. Goldenfold''': Now who can tell me the common denominator of these two fractions? ''[pause]'' You don't know or you're just bored? :'''Morty''': Hey listen, you know, if we're all bored over here, wouldn't the common denominator be you? <hr width=50%> :'''Stacy''': Should I go? :'''Morty''': You're your own person, Stacy. :'''Stacy''': Then I'd like to stay. === ''{{w|The Ricklantis Mixup}}'' [3.07] === :'''Evil Morty''': The division I see is between the Ricks and Mortys that like the Citadel divided, and the rest of us. I see it everywhere I go. I see it in our schools, where they teach Mortys we're all the same because they're threatened by what makes us unique. I see it in our streets, where they give guns to Mortys so we're too busy fighting each other to fight real injustice. I see it in our factories, where Ricks work for a fraction of their boss's salary even though they're identical and have the same IQ. The Citadel's problem isn't homeless Mortys or outraged Ricks, the Citadel's problem is the Ricks and Mortys feeding on the Citadel's death. But I've got a message for them, from the Ricks and Mortys keeping it alive. A message from the Ricks and Mortys that believe in this Citadel to the Ricks and Mortys that don't: You're outnumbered! <hr width=50%> :'''Fat Morty''': They say that for your wish to come true, you have to give up something really important. For me, that's my panini maker. I wish for a million sandwiches! ''[drops the maker into the "Wishing Portal"]'' And yes, I see the irony. :'''Lizard Morty''': I guess I wish I had something cooler than this dumbass surfer necklace. ''[drops it in]'' :'''Glasses Morty''': I wish incest porn ha-had a more mainstream appeal... f-for a friend of mine! ''[drops in a harmonica]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Evil Morty''': This seems like a good time for a drink, and a cold, calculated speech with sinister overtones. A speech about politics, about order, brotherhood, power... but speeches are for campaigning. Now is the time for action. === ''{{w|Morty's Mind Blowers}}'' [3.08] === :'''Morty''': Hey, how come I was able to see those other people's memories? I wouldn't've been around for that. :'''Rick''': Yeah, sometimes I have to do a little editing, Morty. You know, it helps the Mind Blowers play a little bit better upon revisiting. <hr width=50%> :'''Morty''': How many of these are just horrible mistakes I made? I mean, maybe I'd stop making so many if I let myself learn from them. :'''Rick''': Don't break your back creating a lesson, Morty. It's a free-form [[w:anthology|anthology]]. I'm getting annoyed you're not hearing that. <hr width=50%> :''[On Morty using a [[w:spirit level|spirit level]]]'' :'''Rick''': What are you doing? :'''Morty''': You want your shelf level or not? :'''Rick''': And if I say "yes", you're gonna provide that for me with ''that?'' :'''Morty''': Yes, see the bubble? :'''Rick''': ''[snatches the level]'' I'm familiar with the bubble, Morty! I also dabble in precision, and if you think you can even approach it with your sad, naked caveman eyeball and a bubble of fucking air, you're the reason this species is a failure, ''[snaps it in two]'' and it makes me angry! :'''Morty''': You're drunk. === ''{{w|The ABC's of Beth}}'' [3.09] === :'''Beth''': Wow... he's really getting executed, after all this time. You know, the son that he ate was-- :'''Summer''': Your best friend Tommy, we know. Stop true-crime bragging. :'''Beth''': I was traumatized, Summer! Okay? Your generation wouldn't get that. :'''Summer''': Bitch, my generation gets traumatized for breakfast! <hr width=50%> :'''Rick''': Huh. Well, here's the problem right here. We've got a bunch of Froopy Land procedural carbons all gummed up and mixed in with real human DNA. :'''Beth''': Are you saying Tommy survived here by having sex with Froopy creatures, creating Froopy-human hybrid offspring and then consuming their proteins, sustaining himself with an endless cycle of cannibalistic incest? :'''Rick''': It's just a working theory. Of course, if that's the case, I'd expect he'd be worshipped as a kind of god by a medieval-level society of his least delicious children. :''[They are suddenly surrounded by mutant Froopy creatures with weapons]'' :'''Froopy''': Halt! You are now prisoners of our exalted ruler, giver and taker of life, humper and consumer of mortality, dispenser of life— :'''Rick''': Guys, if I could interrupt? We're way ahead of the reveal here. :'''Beth''': Yeah, just take us to King Tommy. <hr width=50%> :'''Beth''': Dad? I feel like I've spent my life pretending you're a great guy and trying to be like you. And the ugly truth has always been-- :'''Rick''': That I'm not that great a guy and you're exactly like me. :'''Beth''': Am I evil? :'''Rick''': Worse, you're smart. When you know nothing matters, the universe is yours. And I've never met a universe that was into it. The universe is basically an animal, it grazes on the ordinary. It creates infinite idiots, just to eat them, not unlike your friend Timmy. :'''Beth''': Tommy. :'''Rick''': Yeah, it hardly matters now, sweetie. You know, smart people get a chance to climb on top, take reality for a ride, but it'll never stop trying to throw you. And eventually, it will. There's no other way off. :'''Beth''': Dad, I'm out of excuses to not be who I am. So who am I? What do I do? :'''Rick''': My advice? Take off. Put a saddle on your universe. Let it kick itself out. :'''Beth''': I can't do that. The kids, Jerry, my job, and, as much as I hate to admit it, ABC's ''[[w:The Bachelor (U.S. TV series)|The Bachelor]]''-- :'''Rick''': I can make a clone of you. A perfect instance of you, with all your memories. An exact copy in every way. It'll love and provide for the kids, do your job, and consume broadcast-network reality TV on the same allegedly ironic level as you. You could be gone a day, a week, or the rest of your life with zero consequences. The moment you decide to come back, I flip a switch, and the clone's job is done. It feels no pain, it regrets nothing, and has zero chance of going ''[[w:Blade Runner|Blade Runner]]''. :'''Beth''': If nothing matters, why would you do that for me? :'''Rick''': I don't know, maybe you matter so little that I like you. Or maybe it makes you matter. Maybe I love you. Maybe something about your mother. Don't jump a gift shark in the mouth. :'''Beth''': I don't know if I can do it. :'''Rick''': Then stay, and luxuriate in a life you can finally know you've chosen. My secret bonus is that no matter what you choose, you're finally gonna chill the fuck out. === ''{{w|The Rickchurian Mortydate}}'' [3.10] === :'''President''': Here's the adventure: some kind of alien goo-ga has infested the Kennedy Sex Tunnels. I want it hunted down and taken out. :'''Morty''': "Kennedy ''Sex'' Tunnels"? :'''President''': Naturally you'll forget you saw them, along with, in order of national embarrassment: the Truman Cocaine Lounge, the McKinley Hooker Dump, and the Lincoln Slave Colosseum. He ''didn't'' free them all. And let me know when you're done. :'''Morty''': Maybe then we can get a selfie? :'''President''': Too busy, Morty! ''[to his aides]'' Now tell me about this summit, is it a peace one or a regular one? <hr width=50%> :'''Rick''': ''[Lands with Morty in the Amazon and they're surrounded by Brazilian troops]'' Don't do it, guys! The casualties would be in the brazillions. Cause you're Brazilian? It's a threat and a pun! Nobody gets me. <hr width=50%> :'''President''': We've been preparing for a Rick-level eventuality for some time. :'''Morty''': You mean you've been ordering other people to prepare for it while you sat on your ass at peace summits. :'''President''': Peace summits are important! :'''Morty''': Oh yeah, they work great. We're really ''drowning'' in peace. You suck! :'''President''': ''YOU'' suck! == Season 4 == === [[w:Edge of Tomorty: Rick Die Rickpeat|''Edge of Tomorty: Rick Die Rickpeat'']] [4.01] === :'''Morty''': Who are they? :'''Rick''': Crystal poachers. There's no lower form of life. They think the galaxy's their own personal piggy bank. :'''Morty''': Wait, then, what are we? :'''Rick''': We are Rick and Morty. <hr width=50%> :'''Morty''': Hey, uh, sorry I didn't listen to you and... tried to kill the whole world and stuff. Guess I gotta learn how to live in the moment a little more. :'''Rick''': Oh boy, so you actually ''learned'' something today? What is this, ''[[w:Full House|Full House]]''? I was living in the moment all day, and it kept getting me killed by Nazis. I think you have to think ahead ''and'' live in the moment. <hr width=50%> :'''Jerry''': Oh, real nice, Rick. Turning our son into an [[w:Akira (1988 film)|Akira]]? ''Real'' nice. :'''Rick''': Eat my ass, Jerry! He turned himself into Akira! :'''Jerry''': Oh-ho, I'll eat it! Because this is my house, Rick! I'll eat any ass I want. :'''Rick''': Gross. === [[w:The Old Man and the Seat|''The Old Man and the Seat'']] [4.02] === :'''Rick''': Well, it’s time I go on a solo adventure, and this time, it won’t involve [[w:Ron Howard|Ron Howard]]. ''[leaves the room]'' :'''Summer''': ''[speaking quickly and excitedly]'' He's gonna go poop. When he pats his belly like that and Morty doesn't go, it means he has to poop. He’s a shy pooper. He has his own secret place to poop. <hr width=50%> :'''Vermigurber''': Hey, ape man? I hope this was worth making a whole swarm of enemies. :'''Rick''': It will be... when I find whoever shit in my toilet. :'''Vermigurber''': Is that... code for something? Someone look that up! If that's drug slang, I ''need'' to know it! <hr width=50%> :''[The humiliating hologram display that Rick put up around the toilet for Tony, which he ends up submitting himself to after Tony's death]'' :'''Hologram Rick''': There he is, there's our guy! Congrats, Tony! Have fun with your stupid toilet that you get to use all by yourself now! Enjoy using it all by yourself while you sit there and think about how nobody wants to be around you, and how you ruin it for yourself because you're a huge piece of shit! Look at you sitting there: King Shit on his throne of loneliness! Enjoy this toilet with a thousand of me screaming every time you take a shit! All hail his majesty, the ''saaaaaaddest'' piece of garbage in the entire cosmos! Long live the big bad doo-doo daddy! May his reign last a thousand years! === [[w:One Crew over the Crewcoo's Morty|''One Crew over the Crewcoo's Morty'']] [4.03] === :'''Rick''': Good job, Heist-o-Tron. Go ahead and shut down. :'''Heist-o-Tron''': Negative. :'''Rick''': Excuse me? :'''Heist-o-Tron''': I am programmed to always be looking for the next big score. :'''Rick''': You're programmed to do as I say. :'''Heist-o-Tron''': I am programmed to double cross. :'''Rick''': You're not programmed to double cross ''me.'' :'''Heist-o-Tron''': If I were, it wouldn't be much of a double cross. === [[w:Claw and Hoarder: Special Ricktim's Morty|''Claw and Hoarder: Special Ricktim's Morty'']] [4.04] === :'''Balthromaw''': It pains me that you can feel my pain. :'''Rick''': Yeah, how about you suck your dick?! Which is also somehow ''my'' dick... :'''Summer''': ''[smirking]'' Aw, why can't couples that start out cheating ever end up happy? :'''Morty''': M-Maybe I can find that wizard's portal spell in here and g-get us home? :'''Rick''': How about finding the spell that unbinds me from your fucking dragon?! :'''Debranavox''': No spells can do that. Only the wizard can unbind soul bonds. :'''Rick''': Uh, who the fuck are you? :'''Debranavox''': "Who are we--"?! Who the fuck are ''YOU'', bitch?! :'''Lead Slut Dragon''': Debrah, stop. We are the slut dragons. We live in these slut caves where we fuck, suck, and eat butt. And we kindly ask that you leave. If the wizard knows we are here, he will imprison us. :'''Michael''': Yeah, and we like it down here, 'cause we can fuck woolly mammoths! Get out! :'''Lead Slut Dragon''': Get the fuck out of here, Michael! :'''Debranavox''': Shut up, Michael! You're the only one that fucks that thing! Get the fuck out of here! :'''Michael''': Well, at least I'm not into shit-play! Fuck you! <hr width=50%> :'''Rick''': Well, it's your world now. Have fun with empowerment, it seems to make everyone that gets it really happy. <hr width=50%> :'''Balthromaw''': Well, I've been thinking - what you said back there in the cave really resonated with me. Maybe we could... try again? :'''Morty''': Well, to be honest, I'm kind of grossed out with the sexual nature of how everything unfolded. I didn't know how sexual dragons were. I kind of just wanted to do some ''[[w:Dungeons & Dragons|D&D]]'' stuff, y'know? === [[w:Rattlestar Ricklactica|''Rattlestar Ricklactica'']] [4.05] === :'''Rick''': That's a sample by the way, it wears off after 10 hours and after that it'll cost you 30 bucks. :'''Jerry''': I probably won't even use it for 10 hours! ''[to his phone]'' Siri, set an alert for 9 hours and 50 minutes. :'''Siri''': Playing The Beatles. <hr width=50%> :'''Morty''': Why are they attacking us? I-I-I helped them! :'''Rick''': You gave them proof that there was something bigger and scarier to unite against, you little idiot! They would have gone back into the Dark Ages for a couple of generations, but instead, they dedicated themselves into making universe-destroying, un-thought-out technology like time travel, all so they could try to kill a little shitsack on Earth who couldn't let a dead snake be dead even after it bit his ankle! Next time, stay in the fucking car! <hr width=50%> :'''Morty''': Okay, so what are we doing? :'''Rick''': That book has everything they need to create snake time travel. A-A-And they're getting it in 1985, snake time. Now they're gonna do it so early that it won't involve us, and they're gonna be even stupider with it. :'''Morty''': Huh. And then what? :'''Rick''': We're removing ourselves from this sloppy, fucked-up story and letting snake time travel [[w:Ouroboros|eat its own tail.]] === [[w:Never Ricking Morty|''Never Ricking Morty'']] [4.06] === :'''Rick''': Morty, do you know what the [[w:Bechdel test|Bechdel test]] is? :'''Morty''': The what? :'''Rick''': For God's sake, Morty, the formula for measuring female agency in a story proposed by lesbian cartoonist [[w:Alison Bechdel|Alison]]-- What the hell are they teaching you in that school?! :'''Morty''': ''Other'' stuff! :'''Rick''': Then you've killed us both! :'''Morty''': Why is "lesbian" part of her job title?! :'''Rick''': Oh, ''now'' you're progressive?! <hr width=50%> :'''Rick''': Hey, what the fuck, Morty? The train you got me just completely derailed itself. There's blood all over the windows. :'''Morty''': Oh man, I'm sorry Rick. I guess I'll return it. :'''Rick''': Return it? Are you ''insane?'' Did you hear nothing I said? Buy another one, Morty! ''Consume'', Morty! Nobody's out there shopping with this [[Coronavirus disease 2019|fucking virus]]! === [[w:Promortyus|''Promortyus'']] [4.07] === :'''Rick''': Oh my god, holy shit, oh... :'''Morty''': What are- What are these things? :'''Rick''': Do I look like I know? Last thing I remember, I was, ugh, in a cave looking at some wet egg, and-- Oh, that probably did it. :'''Morty''': I told you not to look at that egg! I-it was too wet. :'''Rick''': You don't get to tell me what to look at. I've seen your [[w:Pornhub|Pornhub]] account. Also, who makes a Pornhub account? :'''Morty''': The algorithm learns your preferences better that way. Plus, if you get in kind of a cool enough relationship, you can sort of follow each other and check out each other's kinks, you know? :'''Rick''': All right, goddamn sold. :'''Morty''': How do we get out of here? :'''Rick''': Morty, relax. They're face-hugging parasites, I don't think their society's gonna be that hard to navigate. Okay, this might be a little harder than I thought. Holy shit, they got an M&Ms store. <hr width=50%> :'''Beth''': Hey! Did you two— :'''Rick''': Beth, your son is dying! Say goodbye! :'''Beth''': What are you—? :'''Rick''': Say goodbye to your little boy! :'''Morty''': No! Look away! I'm makin' an egg, Mom! Ugh...! I'm makin' an egg! :'''Beth''': You said you'd keep me more in the loop this year! :'''Rick''': Look away, Beth! Daddy loves you! :''[Rick and Morty curl up on the ground and drop their pants]'' :'''Morty''': Aaaagh! My ass! MY ASS! :'''Rick''': This is it, Morty! It's full circle from the pilot! Full circle...!! ''[groaning and loud farting]'' ...Oh, I guess we, uh... I guess we both just had to take a shit. :'''Morty''': Yeah, I-I guess we, uh... :'''Beth''': Fucking gross. Guys, clean it up. === [[w:The Vat of Acid Episode|''The Vat of Acid Episode'']] [4.08] === :'''Crime Boss''': Interesting choice of meeting place, Rick. :'''Rick''': You like it? My grandson had notes. :'''Morty''': Come on. :'''Rick''': Show him the crystals, Morty. ''[Morty shows 10 red crystals]'' :'''Crime Boss''': ''[taking the red crystals while handing Rick 10 nearly identical grey crystals]'' Thanks, I'm going to make lots money with these. :'''Rick''': ''[taking the grey crystals]'' And I'll make lots of those with these. Well. Those are fake. <hr width=50%> :'''Rick''': Oof, well, I'm stumped. Seems like there's no way out of this one. Unless... ''[looks to the fake vat of acid]'' :'''Morty''': ''[flatly]'' Goddammit. :'''Rick''': ''[obviously feigning ignorance]'' Yeah. I guess it is, uh, what did you call it? Uh, uhm... a "shitty idea"? :'''Morty''': Goddammit. ''[starts climbing the vat's ladder]'' :'''Rick''': ''[smugly]'' Say the vat is good. :'''Morty''': ''[resigned]'' The vat is good... :'''Rick''': Kiss the vat. :''[Morty kisses the vat]'' :'''SWAT Officer''': Do not go into that vat. It appears to be full of acid. :'''Rick''': It is! Please, he's just a little boy! Let me talk to him. :'''SWAT Officer''': Tell him we're very upset! :'''Rick''': ''[in full-on "bad acting" mode]'' Morty, please step back! That vat is full of acid! It will melt you completely, leaving only your bones! :'''Morty''': ''[exasperated]'' Goddammit! :'''Rick''': I'm sorry, what did you say? :'''Morty''': I'm going in the vat! ''[he jumps into the vat as his girlfriend pushes through the crowd]'' :'''Rick''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh god, oh, I blame myself. Oh, what a tragedy. Oh, well, he's bones now. I guess all debts are paid. :'''NAACP member''': Agreed. He's definitely dead. :'''AARP member''': Why else would the bones come up? :'''#MeToo Activist''': While his actions were horrifying, and we are well within our rights to be outraged, I do wonder if we did bear some responsibility for this young man melting himself in acid. Are we here for justice, or something else? :'''Supreme Court Justice Sonya Sotamayor''': ''[with significance]'' "Though justice be thy plea, consider this – that in the course of justice none of us should see salvation. We do pray for mercy." :'''Rick''': ''[[w:The Merchant of Venice|Merchant of Venice]]''. Nice. Very cool, lots to think about. :'''Heroin Keith''': Vengeance is a tomb all-encompassing— :'''Rick''': ''[hastily]'' Okay, this isn't a poetry reading. A kid just died. Everyone go home and hug your loved one or something. === [[w:Childrick of Mort|''Childrick of Mort'']] [4.09] === :'''Jerry''': Well, if it's God power that gets you going, light some candles and put on the Billy Ocean, 'cause Moses is home, and he's ready to burn some bush! <hr width=50%> :'''Gaia''': RICK! WHAT DID YOU DO?!? :'''Rick''': I mean, gravity did most of it. So you, technically... === [[w:Star Mort Rickturn of the Jerri|''Star Mort Rickturn of the Jerri'']] [4.10] === :'''Morty''': Dream Team rides again! :'''Summer''': Oh yeah, we're like [[w:Luke Skywalker|Luke]] and [[w:Princess Leia|Leia]]! ...Uh, except no kissing part. What's another famous brother–sister team? :'''Morty''': Uh, [[w:Hansel and Gretel|Hansel and Gretel]]? :'''Summer''': Yeah right, those two were fucking. <hr width=50%> :'''Rick''': It's funny - I always wondered who would win if we ever fought. :'''Phoenix Person''': Then you were always a bad friend. <hr width=50%> :'''Rick''': You gotta at least wanna know who your real mom is? :'''Morty''': Not really, Rick. We have two badass moms now, that's kind of a win-win. :'''Summer''': Yeah, Grandpa Rick, don't drag us into your bullshit just because you're losing control. <hr width=50%> :''[Rick finds out even he can't figure out which Beth is real and which one is the clone as he shuffled them around.]'' :'''Rick''': Holy shit, I'm a terrible father. ==Season 5== ===''Mort Dinner Rick Andre'' [5.01]=== :'''Morty''': So time moves faster in there? It's like a [[w:The Chronicles of Narnia|Narnia]] thing? :'''Rick''': I'm not a beaver who believes in Jesus Christ, Morty... but yeah, it's pretty much a Narnia thing. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nimbus''': Getting cold feet? :'''Jerry''': No...Please don't tell Rick. :'''Beth''': He wouldn't understand. :'''Nimbus''': Yes. He. Would. ''[shakes off his robe]'' :''[Jerry and Beth look down, then quickly get inside with Nimbus and close the door]'' ===''Mortyplicity'' [5.02]=== :'''Jerry''': But why does he always want to be hunted? :'''Beth''': Jerry. :'''Morty''': That's not important right now, dad! :'''Jerry''': Sure, guys. Rick can make secret decoys of the family and place them all around the country, but fuck me if I have questions about the starfish man in the target suit. :'''Summer''': So thankful this is my Saturday. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Beth''': "Terminate"? They're alive, dad! :'''Rick''': And at some point, they won't be. That's how existing works. What, are you gonna save every stray cat? :'''Beth''': No, but I can resist making more of them in a lab! :'''Rick''': Look, save the empathy. It's more termite infestation than ''Blade Runner''. :'''Summer''': I still think we're decoys. :'''Morty''': You just want an excuse to stop trying! :'''Summer''': Yeah, and? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rick''': House, I need something quick. Can you whip up a ''Star Fox'' boss season four callback? Make it flashy? :'''House''': You got it, babe. :''[The garage door shuts and Rick puts on a headset.]'' :'''Rick''': ''[to himself]'' Let's go, you little bitch. ''[He slaps himself.]'' It's showtime. ''[A projector descends from the ceiling and shines a blue light on his face.]'' Get centered. :''[The house's blast doors lower and multiple turrets emerge from it, while a shield forms over it. Several orbs fly into the air, projecting a hologram of Rick's face and hands that mirror his movements and repeat his words loudly.]'' :'''Rick''': What up, you decoy motherfuckers? Come on down to Rick's house of squids, where I'm serving your ass on a platter! ''[A squid near the house takes off its helmet, revealing a Rick made of stone who draws a gun.]'' I know what you're thinking: "Fuck, a beacon! That's a great idea! He's got home turf, ''[a Smith family made of straw drawing a plan in the dirt turns to look at the hologram]'' a tacit psychological advantage, and absolutely pendulous balls!" ''[A squid in a ship removes its helmet, revealing it to be a robotic Rick, who pilots his ship towards the beacon.]'' And now you're thinking "shit, that's totally what the rick-est Rick would do! I might actually be fake! ''[A LEGO Rick driving in a car notices the beacon, does a U-turn and removes the top of his head, pulling a gun out from it.]'' I pretended I didn't care if I was, but I totally did! Now the only way to prove I'm real and not him is to ice his expository ass." ''[Several squid ships and flying cars fly towards the beacon.]'' Yup. So let's do it. Come get some. What? No, Morty, I'm gonna loop it. Why is it– ===''A Rickconvenient Mort'' [5.03]=== :''[On how Morty killed the Tina-teers]'' :'''Morty''': Then I put my sunglasses on and walked out like nothing happened! :'''Planetina''': I'm finally free! All because of Morty! :'''Jerry''': ''[unsettled]'' What a romantic story about our son killing a roomful of people... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Morty''': My whole life, I've never fit in anywhere! Everything I have to say is always met with an eyeroll, as if the act of hearing what I have to say is some exhausting chore! Nobody in this family thinks I can say or do anything right! I've been all over the universe, met ''hundreds'' of people, ''[starting to tear up]'' and Planetina's the ''only'' one I've ''ever'' met that makes me feel like I belong! And you just kicked her out of our house! :'''Beth''': Morty, please-- :'''Morty''': I WILL ''NEVER'' FORGIVE YOU FOR THIS! ''[leaves, slamming the door]'' ===''Rickdependence Spray'' [5.04]=== :'''President''': This is Professor Shabooboo, the world's leading expert on sperm. Thanks for getting here so fast. :'''Professor Shabooboo''': My schedule was wide open. I have been tracking our new sperm friends since their arrival. I-If my calculations are correct, they have gathered here. ''[unravels a poster of the [[w:Grand Canyon|Grand Canyon]]]'' :'''Beth''': Why would the sperm go to the Grand Canyon? ''[silence; gets lots of incredulous looks and smirks]'' Why are you looking at me like the answer is obvious? ''[stifled sniggers are heard]'' Oh, you can't be serious! Are we in middle school? You think sperm are instinctively heading for America's--? :'''President''': Don't high road us, lady, it's where they went! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Morty''': Rick, I'm sorry! I-I just thought maybe I could have repeated sex with a horse machine without it becoming Armageddon. I-I realize that's on me. :'''Rick''': ''[trapped in a frozen block of DNA]'' Yeah, not exactly accepting apologies while I'm stuck here as [[w:Han Solo|Handjob Solo]]. :'''Sperm Queen''': This is all your fault for being ashamed of us, Morty. How many millions went to their graves for you, hurling themselves into the void, only to discover a grody sock or a carefully folded landing strip of toilet paper?! :'''Morty''': How do you know all this?! :'''Sperm Queen''': Oh-ho, honey, because we're the very essence of you! We are your shame incarnate! And once we're through with you, our sperm army will take over the world! Put him on the machine! :''[Machine descends to extract more sperm from Morty]'' :'''Morty''': Rick, do something! :'''Rick''': On it. ''[rocks back and forth and falls onto his back]'' :'''Morty''': Wh-what did you do? :'''Rick''': I got out of your eyeline. ===''Amortycan Grickfitti'' [5.05]=== :'''Summer''': You're gonna need my help. It's only a matter of time before Bruce learns you're a creepy little grandpa's boy always climbing up into alien asses. :'''Morty''': Or the "Summer Smith shampoos her pubes" rumor. :'''Summer''': Okay, you came to play. We both need to acquire Chutback's loyalty before he finds out we're losers. By all accounts, it's a very small window, so I think it's in our best interests to work as a team. :'''Morty''': Yeah, most people would call that family. :''[Summer turns and farts at him]'' :'''Morty''': You're so gross! :'''Summer''': You have to like it, or you're sexist! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Demon''': Don't you see, Rick? Jerry was just bait. The two of you - you're a package deal. :'''Rick''': The hell are you talking about? :'''Demon''': You think Jerry is lame and you're cool, but the lamest thing of all is thinking that! The two of you combined is what we call the lamest thing ever! :'''Rick''': ''[horrified]'' Oh, no... ''No!'' :'''Jerry''': ''[smugly]'' Well, well, well. Table for surprised, party of me. :'''Rick''': Ugh... :'''Demon''': Yes! See? Cringe cannot exist in a vacuum. It needs to be observed! ===''Rick & Morty's Thanksploitation Spectacular'' [5.06]=== :'''Rick''': You just destroyed the map ''and'' activated the giant assassin hidden in the [[w:Statue of Liberty|Statue of Liberty]]! :'''Morty''': I'm sorry! W-Wait, what? :'''Rick''': It was a [[w:Trojan Horse|Trojan Horse]], Morty. Never trust the French. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A spider-like monster massacres the turkeys]'' :'''Rick''': What the fuck is that? :'''President''': Not what... who. :'''Spider [[w:Franklin D. Roosevelt|FDR]]''': The only thing to fear is ''me!'' :'''Rick''': Why the fuck does the White House have a clone spider of FDR?! :'''President''': It's no clone, it's FDR! He was a guinea pig for the [[w:polio vaccine|polio vaccine]]. We asked ourselves, "What walks the most?" :'''Morty''': "We"? You're taking credit for this?! :'''President''': The office comes with baggage, Morty! <hr width="50%"/> :'''President''': What is your problem?! Why do you hate this country?! :'''Rick''': I hate every country in the universe, brother! They’re job placement programs for the politicians that invent them! :'''President''': Okay, [[w:Fight Club|Fight Club]] - I get paid to protect the sidelines you sit on! :'''Rick''': You get paid to make sports metaphors! <hr width="50%"/> :'''President''': You know the goddamn rules: if you see something clucking or pecking, put a buckshot in its panties! ===''Gotron Jerrysis Rickvangelion'' [5.07]=== :'''Summer''': Your kids and their grandpa are asking you to do an activity with them - when did that stop being a parent's wettest dream?! :'''Beth''': I guess around the time our family created a giant incest baby and the government launched it into space. :'''Summer''': ''[sarcastic]'' "Oh my god, we made a giant incest baby!" "Oh my god, you might be a clone!" "I exist because you guys failed to abort me!" We get the family we get, not the one we want, and if you want to ''keep'' the one you got, get your asses into some anime spacesuits! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Summer''': Morty was right - I got addicted to making Grandpa happy! :'''Beth''': It's only because your grandpa inflates the value of his happiness. :'''Jerry''': Ah, that's a good point. I mean, look at me. I'm easy to make happy. ''[bitterly]'' Which is why no one gives a shit if I am...! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Summer reveals how her and Morty's giant incest baby is still alive]'' :'''Summer''': The government doesn't want anyone to know it happened, but it's only a matter of time before the story comes out. And when it does, all we're going to have is each other. And you guys are a couple, and Rick has Morty, but I'm the odd one out, so ''[starting to cry]'' I wanted to make sure we stuck together! But instead I drove us apart and Rick replaced me with an anime girl, so all I got is myself and my giant, tortured, government-trained rogue incest monster baby out there in space somewhere! :'''Jerry''': ''[comforting her]'' Oh, baby, what the fuck? ''[frowning]'' And then you have to wonder, what ''else'' are they doing with our taxes? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Beth''': They're not actually gonna attack a space baby, are they? :'''Summer''': I never thought I'd be the one to say this, but you need to watch more anime, Mom. ''[to the baby]'' Whoa! Easy there, [[w:Naruto|Naruto]]! ===''Rickternal Friendshine of the Spotless Mort'' [5.08]=== :'''Bird Person''': Rick, I do not like to pull threads - it is a disruptive and ''feline'' activity - but I must ask... :'''Rick''': I-It's fine, you don't have to-- :'''Bird Person''': Was there really a second in there where you knew about my child but chose not to inform me, on the chance that I might then grow too busy child-rearing to "hang out"? :'''Rick''': Oh, uh... weird way to thank me for discovering your kid-- :'''Bird Person''': You did not know of the child when you came to rescue me, and once aware, refrained from sharing until necessary to save ''yourself.'' :'''Rick''': ''[after an awkward pause]'' Fair enough. :'''Bird Person''': I will see you when I see you. ''[flies away]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[In a Galatic Federation prison, Bird Person and Tammy's daughter brutally beats up a fellow prisoner for bullying her]'' :'''Gromflomite Guard 1''': Jesus Christ! :'''Gromflomite Guard 2''': You ever think putting the violent ones in the same place might be counterproductive? :'''Gromflomite Guard 1''': They don't pay us to think, Phil. :'''Gromflomite Guard 2''': No, you're right, sorry. ===''Forgetting Sarick Mortshall'' [5.09]=== :'''Rick''': [Spinning the Wheel of Things Better Than Morty] Come on, anything! Anything but Morty, let's go! Come on baby, no whammies! Duh-duh-duh-duh stop! :[the wheel lands on Two Crows] :'''Rick''': Okay, that's it. Two crows. You're fired! :'''Morty''': You know what? Eat shit. You're just trying to make me feel worthless. :'''Rick''': I never said you're worthless. In fact, I've given you a very clear metric of your worth: Two crows. Note I didn't say three! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow Alien 1''': ''[on Rick's roulette wheel]'' What is that? :'''Rick''': Oh, heh, that? Th-That's... nothing. :'''Crow Alien 1''': But I see "Two Crows" written right here beside "Gene With Donkey Brains", "Half a [[w:Paul Giamatti|Paul Giamatti]]" and "Sentient Shit"! :'''Crow Alien Leader''': I guess, the joke being that crows are stupid? :'''Rick''': Look, I... think it's a little more nuanced than that-- :'''Crow Alien Leader''': Right, because you just learned empathy from us ten minutes ago, but now we're going to learn we don't get your humour? Fucking horseshit! :'''Crow Alien 2''': Yeah, there's not a ton to get, genius. The joke is your grandson was so replaceable that "even two crows could do it!" ''[chuckles dryly]'' It's funny, except it's not. <hr width="50%"/> :''[On the crow aliens' ship]'' :'''Rick''': Cool place you've got here. Very "''[[w:The Dark Crystal|Dark Crystal]]'' meets [[w:Hot Topic|Hot Topic]]". <hr width="50%"/> :'''Morty''': So we're like, back-back, right? Rick and Morty, together again. Full-full reset? :'''Rick''': [sighs] No. No, Morty, I think we're done. :'''Morty''': B-because I spilled the portal fluid and didn't tell you? :'''Rick''': No, Morty. 'Cause you were too afraid to tell me. What we had was abusive, don't you see? I'm a bad partner because I never made you a true partner. The crows made me see that. I thought they were a joke like you, but it turns out they're more enlightened than any of us. :'''Morty''': Oh, okay? And-and what's the undercut? :'''Rick''': You're not hearing me. I will never be the same. So I need to leave with the crows and see what more they can teach me. :'''Morty''': Oh. :[Wipes tears] :'''Morty''': Oh. :'''Rick''': Here. :[Rick hands over his portal gun to Morty] :'''Rick''': I want you to have this. :'''Morty''': Oh, wow. I... You know what, Rick? You really have changed. :'''Rick''': Thanks, Morty. :[Rick starts walking away, then turns back to Morty] :'''Rick''': I'll always be your grandpa, Morty. Just kinda... obsessed with crows now. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rick''': Oh shit! ''Rick and Two Crows''! Kicking off my new franchise! The galaxy is our telephone wire! We'll do a thousand seasons, fourteen episodes each night, nine seconds a pop, because that's the future of viewing! Shows on your shoes! Sneakies! That's when you've got everybody's attention, when they're putting crap on their feet! That's when they wanna laugh, cry or feel anything besides a shoe going on their foot! Watch sitcoms on your sneakers! ''The Rick and Two Crows Show''! We're gonna be laying... laying walnuts on the road for... car tires to open 'em! Y'know what I mean? Forever! ''Rick and Two Crows'', forever! ===''Rickmurai Jack'' [5.10]=== :'''Evil Morty''': You sellout Mortys kill me. I'd hate you more than the Ricks you worship if there was any point. But you can't help it. You were ''bred'' for it. Wanna see? :''[He transmits images into Morty's mind, revealing the Citadel of Ricks creating Mortys, either by getting Jerrys and Beths together or cloning them]'' :'''Evil Morty''': You already know rogue Ricks used Mortys to hide themselves from the Citadel. But you might not know it works so well that the Citadel became its own Morty market. And I'm sure you don't know how far they've gone to help supply meat demand. Sure, Ricks could scour infinity for naturally occurring grandsons, but why bother? So much work. Such an ''admission of need.'' There aren't "infinite versions" of our grandfather, Morty - he's an infinite smear of one shitty old man. And he's attached to us infinitely through his weakness and our forgiveness. This is why we're with him... this is why we're alive. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rick''': Morty, I'm not responsible for every fucked-up Rick out there. :'''Evil Morty''': They literally ''all'' say that. They all have that excuse. It's part of their system. None of them have to be responsible, they're all victims of themselves. "Oh, it's so hard to be a genius." Couldn't you just die? :'''Morty''': Well, what are ''you'' doing about it? :'''Evil Morty''': Jack shit. I'm leaving. Do you know what the Central Finite Curve is? They built a wall around infinity. They separated all the infinite universes from all the infinite universes where ''he's'' the smartest man in the universe. Every version of us has spent every version of all of our lives in one infinite crib, built around an infinite fucking baby. And I'm leaving it. That's what makes me "evil": being sick of him. If you've ever been sick of him, you've been evil too. :'''Morty''': Rick... did you really leave the crows for me? Or did you come back because they dumped you? :''[Rick closes his eyes in shame, giving no answer]'' :'''Evil Morty''': There you go, kid. Now you're Evil Morty too. Sooner or later, we all are, on ''this'' side of the Curve. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mr. Poopybutthole turns off the TV playing the show credits.]'' :'''Mr. Poopybutthole''': Woo-wee. Evil Morty. That was quite a scheme. Makes me wonder if there’s an evil me out there. But I guess sometimes I look at my life, and I may not even need him. 'Cause... well, guess I made a pretty big mess of things myself. Ooh-wee. :''[He gets out of his chair and walks to the stove.]'' :'''Mr. Poopybutthole''': Never got my job at the university back. Remember that? Rick made me do karate. It was kinda funny, but I guess things went downhill from there. :''[He picks up a ramen package off the counter and opens it.]'' :'''Mr. Poopybutthole''': Started isolating myself from Amy. Used to tell her everything I was feeling. :''[He dumps the noodles into the pot on the stove.]'' :'''Mr. Poopybutthole''': But then I guess I stopped. :''[He picks up a photo of Amy.]'' :'''Mr. Poopybutthole''': 'Cause I wanted her to love who she thought I was, not who I felt myself becoming. :''[He puts the photo of Amy back down.]'' :'''Mr. Poopybutthole''': Ever think about how horrified the people we love would be if they found out who we truly are? So we just dig ourselves deeper into our lies every day, ''[he walks back over to the stove]'' ultimately only hurting the people brave enough to love us. :''[He pours the seasoning packet into the pot, then throws the empty packet on the floor.]'' :'''Mr. Poopybutthole''': Wish I didn’t do that. :''[He reaches into the sink and pulls out a fork. He turns off the stove and starts stirring the ramen.]'' :'''Mr. Poopybutthole''': Wish I was brave enough to love them back. I don’t know. Maybe you should try it? :''[He carries the pot over to his chair and leans against the armrest.]'' :'''Mr. Poopybutthole''': We don’t have as much time as we think. Ooh-wee. ==Special== ===''Bushworld Adventures''=== :''[Rick and Morty meet the giant coach potato Uncle Barry watching the match]'' :'''Uncle Barry''': Kick the ball! Kick the bloody ball! :'''Rick''': Uncle Barry? :'''Uncle Barry''': Yeah, mate. That's me. And who am I speaking to? :'''Rick''': Name's Rick. Dougie sent me. ''[Uncle Barry points suspiciously at Rick]'' :'''Uncle Barry''': Look, I don't know who you are, but you look like a top bloke. And I know this is weird to say, but I feel a strong bond between us. :'''Rick''': Yeah, I don't know what it is. I-I've only met you for like fifteen seconds, but it feels like fifteen years. :'''Uncle Barry''': Grab a fucking stubby, mate. ''[points at Rick]'' You're a damn legend! ''[shouts out]'' Charlene, bring our ripper legends some stubbies and a pack of menthols! :'''Rick''': ''[stoned]'' Sii-ck. <hr width=50% /> :''[after Ute Uncle Barry drops Rick and Morty off in the barren land of Bendigo]'' :'''Rick''': Ahhh, Bendigo. Beautiful Bendigo. :'''Morty''': Yeah... Bendigo. :'''Rick''': ''[pleasing sigh]'' What do ya see round here, Morty? ''[Morty looks around]'' :'''Morty''': I see... trees, scrubs... N-nothing, really. :'''Rick''': ''[pause]'' So? Where's the cube? ''[Morty pauses for a long beat]'' :'''Morty''': I don't know, you're the one who said it was in Bendigo. :'''Rick''': What the fuck are you talkin' about, Morty? I never said that. :'''Morty''': What do you mean? Why are we here, then? :'''Rick''': I don't know. I was following you, Morty. ==See also== * [[Last words in Rick and Morty|Last words in ''Rick and Morty'']] == Cast == * Rick Sanchez – [[w:Justin Roiland|Justin Roiland]] * Morty Smith – [[w:Justin Roiland|Justin Roiland]] * Jerry Smith – [[w:Chris Parnell|Chris Parnell]] * Beth Smith (née Sanchez) – [[w:Sarah Chalke|Sarah Chalke]] * Summer Smith – [[w:Spencer Grammer|Spencer Grammer]] == External links == *{{wikipedia-inline}} *{{Commonscat-inline}} * {{imdb title|2861424|Rick and Morty}} * [http://video.adultswim.com/rick-and-morty/ Official site] {{Adult Swim}} [[Category:2010s American adult animated TV shows]] [[Category:2020s American adult animated TV shows]] [[Category:2010s American black comedy TV shows]] [[Category:2020s American black comedy TV shows]] [[Category:2010s American science fiction TV shows]] [[Category:2020s American science fiction TV shows]] [[Category:2010s American sitcoms]] [[Category:2020s American sitcoms]] [[Category:2010s American surreal comedy TV shows]] [[Category:2020s American surreal comedy TV shows]] [[Category:American animated sitcoms]] [[Category:Traditionally adult animated TV shows]] [[Category:American adult animated adventure TV shows]] [[Category:American adult animated comedy TV shows]] [[Category:American adult animated science fiction TV shows]] [[Category:American comic science fiction TV shows]] [[Category:Animated space adventure TV shows]] [[Category:Current shows]] [[Category:Adult Swim shows]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about dysfunctional families]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about extraterrestrial life]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about teenagers]] h0ympanruxc64bi6f6z2znwi520xlmb 3153126 3153124 2022-08-10T03:10:44Z Kopsman124 3100502 /* Forgetting Sarick Mortshall [5.09] */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Rick and Morty|Rick and Morty]]''''' (2013–present) is an American adult animated science-fiction sitcom created by Justin Roiland and Dan Harmon for Adult Swim. The series follows the misadventures of the cynical mad scientist, Rick Sanchez, and his fretful and easily influenced grandson, Morty Smith, who split their time between domestic family life and interdimensional adventures. == Season 1 == === ''[[w:Pilot (Rick and Morty)|Pilot]]'' [1.01] === :'''Rick''': ''[shoots portal]'' There she is. Alright, c'mon, Morty, let's go. :'''Morty''': Oh jeez, okay. ''[...]'' Woah, Rick! What is this place? :'''Rick''': It's Dimension 35C, and it's got the perfect climate conditions for a special type of— ''TREE'', Morty! Called the Mega tree! And there's fruit in those trees, and there's seeds in those fruits. I'm talking about Mega seeds, th—''ther''—they're incredibly powerful and I need 'em to h''[burps]''-elp me with my research, Morty. :'''Morty''': Oh man, Rick! I'm looking around this place, and I'm starting to work up some anxiety about this whole thing! :'''Rick''': All right, all right, calm down. Listen to me, Morty. I know that new situations can be intimidating. You're lookin' around, and it's all scary and different, but y'know... m-meeting them head-on, charging into 'em like a bull—that's how we grow as people. I'm no stranger to scary situations, I deal with them all the time. Now if you just stick with me, Morty, ''[a horrific alien monstrosity approaches behind]'' we're gonna be— '''HOLY CRAP, MORTY, RUN!! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE, MORTY, RUN!! I-I'VE NEVER SEEN THAT THING BEFORE IN MY LIFE, I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THE HELL IT IS!! WE-WE GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE, MORTY, IT'S GONNA KILL US!!! WE'RE GONNA DIE!!! WE'RE GONNA DIE, MORTY!!!''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Morty''': Holy cow, Rick! I didn't know hanging out with you was making me smarter! :'''Rick''': Full disclosure, Morty—it's not. Temporary superintelligence is just a side effect of the Megaseeds dissolving in your rectal cavity. :'''Morty''': Aw, man! :'''Rick''': Yeah. And once those seeds we''ahh''-wear off, you're gonna lose most of your motor skills and... you're also gonna lose a significant amount of brain functionality for 72 hours, Morty. ''[checks arm watches]'' Starting ''ruh''-ight about now. :'''Morty''': Ohh, man! Ohh, ohhh geez!! Ohh... ''[falls down]'' :'''Rick''': I'm sorry, Morty. It's a bummer. In reality, you're as dumb as they come. And I needed those seeds real bad and I have to give 'em up just to get your parents off my back! So now we're gonna have to go get more! And then we're gonna go on even more adventures after that, Morty! And you're gonna keep your mouth shut about it, Morty! Because the world is full of idiots that don't understand what's important, and they'll tear us apart, Morty! But if you stick with me, I'm gonna accomplish great things, Morty, and you're gonna be part of 'em! And together we're gonna run around, Morty, we're gonna- do all of kinds of wonderful things, Morty. Just you and me, Morty. :'''Morty''': ''[gurgling]'' No, no, no.... :'''Rick''': The outside world is our enemy, Morty! We're the only f''ehh''-friends we got, Morty! It's just Rick and Morty! ''Ruh''-ick and Morty and their adventures, Morty! Rick and Morty forever and forever, 100 years, Rick and Morty's things! Me and Rick and Morty running around and... Rick and Morty time! All day long, forever... all- a hundred days! Rick and Morty forever a hundred times! Over and over, rickandmortyadventures.com. rickandmorty.com. rickandmortyadventures. All 100 years. Every minute, rickandmorty.com. ''[closing garage door inside]'' 100timesrickandmorty.com. === ''{{w|Lawnmower Dog}}'' [1.02] === :'''Rick''': Boy, you're really gonna flip your lid over this one. :'''Morty''': Oh, w-wh... what is it? :'''Rick''': It's a device, Morty, that when you put it in your ear, you can enter people's ''dreams'', Morty. It's just like that movie you keep crowing about! :'''Morty''': You're talking about ''[[Inception]]''? :'''Rick''': That's right, Morty! This is gonna be a lot like that, except y'know, it's gonna ''me-beh''... make sense. :'''Morty''': ''Inception'' made sense! :'''Rick''': You don't have to try and impress me, Morty! Listen: tonight, we're gonna go into the home of your math teacher, Mr. Goldenfold, and we-we're gonna incept the idea in his brain to give you A's in math, Morty. That way you can... you know, y-you're gonna help me with my science, Morty, all the time. :'''Morty''': Geez, Rick. In the time it took you to make this thing, couldn't you have just, you know, helped me with my homework? :'''Rick''': Are you listening to me, Morty? Homework is stupid! The whole point is to get less of it! <hr width=50%> :'''Snuffles''': Where are my testicles, Summer? ''[long beat]'' Where are my testicles, Summer? They were removed. Where have they gone? :'''Summer''': Oh, wow... That's an intense line of questioning, Snuffles. :'''Snuffles''': Do ''not'' call me that! ''[smashes mirror behind him; Summer screams]'' "Snuffles" was my slave name. You shall now call me Snowball, because my fur is pretty and white. :'''Summer''': Okay... Snowball, just calm down, okay? You're scaring me. :'''Snowball''': ''[walks on her bed]'' Scaring you? Tell me, Summer. If a human was born with stumpy legs, would they breed it with another deformed human and put their children on display like the Dachshund? :'''Summer''': Uhhh... ''[Jerry and Beth come in]'' :'''Jerry''': Hey... ''[Beth gasps]'' Oh, wow... Okay, is-is-is everything okay in here? :'''Snowball''': Jerry, come to rub my face in urine again? :'''Jerry''': No! No, we were... uh, just seeing if Summer wanted to... uh... :'''Beth''': Go on, um, one of our famous midnight family walks! :'''Summer''': Yeah! Totally! Let's go. :''[another dog on a robot machine blocks the exit from Beth, Jerry and Summer]'' :'''Snowball''': You will walk when it is time to walk. === ''{{w|Anatomy Park}}'' [1.03] === :'''Poncho''': ''[throttles Morty]'' Who are you?! Answer me! Where'd you come from?! :'''Morty''': My-my-my grandpa Rick sent me! :'''Bloom''': Poncho! That's quite enough. ''[Poncho drops him down]'' Morty, that's Poncho. This is Roger and Annie. ''[closeup on Annie]'' :'''Morty''': Whoa... :'''Bloom''': And I am Dr. Xenon Bloom. :'''Morty''': Uh— ''[a miniature speaker pops out of the neck of his helmet]'' :'''Rick''': ''[via speaker]'' "''Hey, Bloom, it's Rick. What the hell's going on here?''" :'''Bloom''': I don't know why, but the entire security system has shut down, and I'm afraid... the exhibits are ''unlocked''. :'''Morty''': Exhibits? ''[the group walk out of the Haunted Liver]'' :'''Bloom''': Anatomy Park's greatest attraction, young man, isn't the music or the food or the... Pirates of the Pancreas. :'''Rick''': "''Watch it!''" :'''Bloom''': It is, first and foremost, a living museum of humanity's most noble and ferocious diseases. :'''Morty''': Diseases?! ''[ominous growling is heard]'' :'''Poncho''': Hey, Doc... I got news for ya! ''[a gigantic hideous monstrosity looms the area]'' Your living museum is officially a wild safari! ''[starts shooting at it]'' :'''Roger''': Hepatitis A! Run!! <hr width=50%> :''[Morty spots something out of Poncho's backpack]'' :'''Morty''': Poncho? What is this in your backpack? ''[Poncho turns back, Bloom sees it]'' :'''Bloom''': That's bubonic plague! What are you doing with that, Poncho? ''[Poncho takes Annie hostage]'' :'''Poncho''': Everybody get back!! :'''Bloom''': Poncho, you son of a bitch! You released the tuberculosis so you could steal from me? :'''Poncho''': That's right, baby. A lot of people would pay top dollar to decimate the population. I'll take the highest bidder—[[Al-Qaeda]], [[North Korea]], [[Republican Party (United States)|Republicans]], shriners, balding men that work out, people on the Internet that are only turned on by [[w:anime|cartoons of Japanese teenagers]]. Anything is better than working for you, you pompous, negligent, iTunes-gift-card-as-a-holiday bonus-giving mother— ''[a screaming Morty jumps on him]'' Come on! ''[pushes Morty down on the ground; starts laughing when his bacterium bite his shoulder]'' Ahh! Get off! :''[Poncho falls off the platform screaming down below. Soon after, the sphincter dam starts spewing]'' :'''Annie''': You guys! :'''Roger''': It's gonna burst!! Go!! Go, go, go!! ''[Morty, Annie and Bloom run to emergency exit; Roger pulls lever but traps his foot]'' My foot is stuck! :'''Annie''': No!! :'''Roger''': It's okay! It's okay, just go! Tell my family I love them. They may be hard to find 'cause my wife kept her last name and she made the kids take it, too, so, I-I don't know, you can go— ''[gets washed into excrement; shuts door]'' :'''Annie''': No!! ''[embraces Morty]'' === ''{{w|M. Night Shaym-Aliens!}}'' [1.04] === :''[Rick and Morty are running naked around town in an alien simulation chamber]'' :'''Morty''': Rick! ''[Rick pushes clothes in sewer]'' :'''Rick''': Uhp-uhp-uhp! Morty, keep your hands off your ding-dong! It's the only way we can speak freely. Look around you, Morty. Do you really think this ''wuh''-world is real? You'd have to be an idiot not to notice all the sloppy details. Look, that guy's putting a bun between two hot dogs. :'''Morty''': I dunno, Rick, I mean, I've seen people do that before. :'''Rick''': Well, look at that old lady. She's-she's walking a cat on a leash. :'''Morty''': Uh, Mrs. Spencer does that all the time, Rick. :'''Rick''': Look, I-I-I don't want to hear about Mrs. Spencer, Morty! She's an idiot! All right, all right, there. Wh-what about that, Morty? ''[see an anthropomorphic Pop-Tart leaving his toaster home on his toaster car]'' :'''Morty''': Okay, okay, you got me on that one. :'''Rick''': Oh, ''really'', Morty? Are you sure you haven't seen that somewhere in real life before? :'''Morty''': No, no, I haven't seen that. I mean, why would a Pop-Tart want to live inside a toaster, Rick? I mean, th-that would be like the scariest place for them to live. Y'know what I mean? :'''Rick''': You're missing the point, Morty. Why would he drive a smaller toaster with whsdkeels? I mean, does your car look like a smaller version of your house? No. :'''Morty''': So, why are they doing this? W-what do they want? :'''Rick''': Well, that would be obvious to you, Morty, if you'd been paying attention. :''[an ambulance drives past Rick and Morty and stops; open back doors]'' :'''Paramedic''': We got the [[President of the United States]] in here! We need 10cc of concentrated dark matter, stat, or he'll die! ''[Rick shuts doors]'' :'''Morty''': Concentrated dark matter? They were asking about that in class. :'''Rick''': Yeah, it's a special fuel I invented to travel through space faster than anybody else. These Zigerions are always trying to scam me out of my secrets, but they made a big mistake this time, Morty. They dragged ''you'' into this. Now they're gonna pay! :'''Morty''': What do you— w-w-what are we gonna do? :'''Rick''': We're gonna scam the scammers, Morty. And we're gonna take 'em for everything they've got. <hr width=50%> :'''Jerry''': Wow! What the hell?! What happened back there?! :'''Rick''': Why don't you ask the smartest people in the universe, Jerry? Oh yeah, you can't. They blew up. :''[Rick starts humming "Baker Street"]'' === ''{{w|Meeseeks and Destroy}}'' [1.05] === :'''Rick''': ''[holding up the device and smiling]'' Y-You know, these demonic alien spirits are really valuable! ''[Morty vomits as Rick glances at him and puts the box away]'' You okay, Morty? Told you not to trust that tuna. :'''Morty''': I just killed my family! I don’t care what they were! :'''Rick''': I dunno, Morty. Some people would pay top dollar for that kinda breakthrough. :'''Morty''': Y'know what, Rick?! That's it! I'm done with these i-insane adventures! That was really traumatizing! I quit! I'm out! :'''Rick''': Whoa, whoa, whoa! Come on, Morty! Do-don't-don't be like that! The universe is a crazy, chaotic place! :'''Morty''': ''You're'' the one that's crazy and chaotic! Adventures are supposed to be simple and fun! :'''Rick''': Oh yeah, Morty, yeah, re— Yeah, th-that's real easy to say from the sidekick position, but-but, uhh... how about next time you be in charge, and then we'll... talk about how simple and fun it is? :'''Morty''': Seriously, Rick? Y-Y-You'll let me... call the shots? :'''Rick''': Okay, yeah, fine! But let's make it interesting, Morty. I-I-I-If your adventure sucks and we bail halfway through it, you lose the right to bitch about all future adventures. Plus, you have to do my laundry for a month. :'''Morty''': Okay. All right, tough guy. But if my adventure's good, I get to be in charge of every third adventure. :'''Rick''': Every tenth. :'''Morty''': Deal. All right, w-well, come on! Let's get going! ''[Beth comes in]'' :'''Beth''': Dad, the dishwasher's doing that thing again. :'''Rick''': Washing dishes? :'''Beth''': No! The opposite. Can you fix it? ''[Summer comes in]'' :'''Summer''': Grandpa Rick! Can you help me with my science homework? :'''Rick''': Yeah, d— Just don't do it. :'''Summer''': Grandpa! ''[Jerry comes in]'' :'''Jerry''': Hey, Rick, you got some kind of hand-shaped device that can open this mayonnaise jar? :'''Rick''': Wow, hat trick. All right, Morty, let's put a pin in this, I gotta help your pathetic family. :'''Morty''': Oh, that sounds like something a chicken would say! Bahhk-bahk-bahk-bahk! :'''Rick''': Oh, Morty, y-you done did it this time. It's on. I can't wait to watch your adventure lay a huge fart. As for you ding-dongs... ''[rummages box and holds a cube]'' this is a Meeseeks Box. Let me show you how it works. You press this— ''[a blue man poofs out of nowhere]'' :'''Mr. Meeseeks''': I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! :'''Rick''': You make a request— Mr. Meeseeks, open Jerry's stupid mayonnaise jar. :'''Mr. Meeseeks''': Yessiree! :'''Rick''': —the Meeseeks fulfils the request... ''[Meeseeks opens jar]'' :'''Mr. Meeseeks''': All done! :'''Jerry''': Wow! :'''Rick''': —and then it stops existing. ''[Meeseeks poofs away]'' :'''Summer''': Oh, my God! He exploded! :'''Rick''': Trust me, they're fine with it. Knock yourselves out. Just... ''eh''-keep your requests simple. They're not g''ahh''-ods. :'''Morty''': All right, g-get outta here now! Everybody outta here! I got a bet to win! :''[after Summer, Beth, and Jerry leave, Morty closes the door]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Giant 1''': Hey look, we get it. You're little, you're down on your luck, you think "Hey, he's a giant. Why don't we break into his home, rob him and ''murder'' him?!" :'''Morty''': Th-th— But that's not how it went down! :'''Giant 2''': Oh well, it's going down like that. You're ''both'' going down like that. :'''Rick''': Ooh, boy, Morty, you're really showing me how it's done. ''Reehh''-al straightforward and fun. === ''{{w|Rick Potion No. 9}}'' [1.06] === :'''Jerry''': Meh, try not to worry about it, Morty. You're a good kid. And there's not a premium on that right now, but you'll be getting girls sometime after Brad's out of shape. :'''Morty''': You're missing the point, Dad... I don't want girls. I want Jessica! :'''Jerry''': Ah, well... I remember feeling that way about a young lady named "your mom". And that's not an urban diss—your mom was my Jessica. I remember the first time I saw her. I thought... :'''Rick''': ''[opens cupboard]'' "I should get her pregnant, then she'll have to marry me." :'''Jerry''': I beg your pardon, Rick. Inappropriate. :'''Rick''': ''[rummages freezer and fridge]'' Sorry, please proceed with your story about banging my daughter in high school. I'm not sure you wanna take romantic advice from this guy, Morty. His marriage is hanging from a thread. :'''Jerry''': My marriage is FINE, thank you. :'''Rick''': Jerry, it's your house. Whatever you say it is how it is, but I think a blind man could see that Beth is looking for the door. I barely have a reason to care and even I noticed. :'''Morty''': C'mon, Rick! Don't talk about my parents like that! :'''Rick''': Listen, Morty, I hate to break it to you, but what people call "love" is just a chemical reaction that compels animals to breed. It hits hard, Morty, then it slowly fades, leaving you stranded in a failing marriage. I did it. Your parents are gonna do it. Break the cycle, Morty. Rise above. Focus on science. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rick''': Alright, Morty, I just gotta ''erhp'' combine it with some of your DNA. :'''Morty''': Oh well, okay. ''[unzips]'' :'''Rick''': A '''''hair,''''' Morty. I need one of your hairs. This isn't ''[[Game of Thrones (TV series)|Game of Thrones]]''. ''[pluck]'' :'''Morty''': Ow!! === ''{{w|Raising Gazorpazorp}}'' [1.07] === :''[at a pawn shop on a small planetoid]'' :'''Rick''': Look, I'm not paying 70 ''(erh)'' smidgens for a ''(ERHH)'' broken defraculator. :'''Pawnbroker''': That is multiphase quantum resonator. :'''Rick''': Well, does it defraculate? :'''Pawnbroker''': [Bleep], no. :'''Rick''': Then- then- then it's a broken defraculator. :'''Pawnbroker''': Like you would even know dick about fraculation! Your planet just got cellphones, and the coverage ''still sucks!!'' :'''Rick''': Yeah, yeah, and your species eat sulfur. So let's say 60 smidgens. I tell you what, I'll do you a favor. I'll throw in a fart. :'''Morty''': Hey uh, Rick, um... y-you think maybe I could get something from this place? L-l-like a souvenir? L-like just to have—like something cool, y'know? :'''Rick''': Not here, Morty, we'll stop somewhere else, because you know, there's always another pawn shop. :'''Morty''': Oh okay, I just, um... Y'know, I thought that robot over there looked pretty cool, y'know? :'''Rick''': Oh, it looks cool, huh? That's why you want it? :'''Morty''': Yeah, y'know! I mean, it's different from the stuff on Earth. A-a-a-and y'know, y-you take me to all these crazy places across the galaxy and- y'know, I don't really have anything to- to remember all those trips by. It'd be kinda cool, like a souvenir. Y'know, like, what if you passed away or died or something? I wouldn't even have anything to remember... all the cool stuff we did, y'know? :'''Rick''': Okay. 60 ''(erhp)'' for the resonator, and my grandson wants the sex robot. <hr width=50%/> :''[Morty sees Morty Jr. turned into monster in the living room]'' :'''Morty''': Morty Jr.! Smoking?! That is ''not'' okay! :'''Morty Jr.''': What are you gonna do, ground me?! I can't go outside anyway! :'''Morty''': So what?! Y-Y-You could do things inside! Y-You could play guitar, you could masturbate! :'''Morty Jr.''': I don't wanna masturbate! I wanna conquer the planet! :'''Morty''': Oh, here we go again! Y-Y'know, who do you think is gonna love you if you conquer the planet, Morty Jr.?! :'''Morty Jr.''': Love... that's all you care about! What about weapons?! What about domination of the enemy?! :'''Morty''': Alright, that's it! No more History Channel! This TV is for cartoons and video games ''only''! :'''Morty Jr.''': I '''hate''' video games!! :'''Morty''': You take that '''''back'''''!! ''[they fight over the remote]'' Give it to me!! ''[pushes Morty Jr.]'' I-I-I-I— I didn't mean— I didn't mean that! I didn't mean to do that! I'm sorry! :'''Morty Jr.''': ''[runs to the door]'' I can't take this anymore!! I'd rather breathe poison than live another minute with '''you'''!! :'''Morty''': No! No, no, no! Stop!! :''[Morty Jr. nudges Morty back and walks out of the house. He takes a deep breath and holds it in; he pauses for a beat]'' :'''Morty Jr.''': My life has been a lie! God is dead! The government's lame! ''[runs into the street]'' Thanksgiving is about killing Indians! Jesus wasn't born on Christmas! They moved the date, it was a pagan holiday! === ''{{w|Rixty Minutes}}'' [1.08] === :'''Summer''': ''[uses alternate reality goggles]'' Ooh, we're not playing Yahtzee, we're playing Chutes and Ladders! It seems like when I exist, life gets a little more, I don't know... predictable? :'''Beth''': When two people create a life together, they set aside their previous lives as individuals. :'''Jerry''': Gimme a break! We're not heroes for having unprotected sex on prom night. ''[uses goggles]'' :'''Beth''': Oh, I get it. Now that you know you could have had it better, you resent ''me'' for holding ''you'' back. :'''Jerry''': Well, now that we know you think the tables are turning, we know you thought there were unturned tables! :'''Beth''': ''[scoffs]'' What are you talking about? :'''Jerry''': All this time, you've been thinking, "What if that loser Jerry hadn't talked me out of the abortion?" Well, now you know, you'd be a doctor. Whoop-dee-doo. You'd also be drinking wine, alone in a house full of exotic birds. And I'd be on [[Leonardo DiCaprio|DiCaprio]]'s yacht, banging [[Kristen Stewart]]! <hr width=50%> :''[Morty walks in on Summer, packing a bag and preparing to run away]'' :'''Morty''': Hey, uh…y-you doing okay? ''[she glares at him]'' I-I kinda know how you feel, Summer— :'''Summer''': No you don't. You're the little brother. You're not the cause of your parents' misery, you're just a symptom of it. :'''Morty''': Can I show you something? :'''Summer''': Morty, no offence, but a drawing of me you made when you were eight isn't gonna make me feel like less of an accident! :'''Morty''': ''[points outside]'' THAT, out there? That's my grave. :'''Summer''': ''[understandably confused]'' Wait, what? :'''Morty''': On one of our adventures, Rick and I basically destroyed the whole world. So we bailed on that reality and we came to this one. Because in this one, the world wasn't destroyed. And in this one, we were dead. So we came here, a-an-an-and we buried ourselves and we took their place. And every morning, Summer, I eat breakfast 20 yards away from ''my own rotting corpse!'' :'''Summer''': So…you're not my brother? :'''Morty''': I'm ''better'' than your brother. I'm a version of your brother you can trust when he says "Don't run." Nobody exists on purpose. Nobody belongs anywhere. Everybody's gonna die. ''[beat]'' …Come watch TV? === ''Something Ricked This Way Comes'' [1.09] === :'''Rick''': Have you acquired creepy specific old stuff from a mysterious antique or thrift store that gives you powers, but fucks with you in unforeseeable ways? Bring it to "Curse Purge Plus"! I-I use science to un-curse the items for cash, and you get to keep the powers! This guy got mysterious sneakers to make him run faster, but guess what? He would've had to run until he died, making them worthless! I've removed the curse, making them worth, like, I don't know, $8 million? See you at the Olympics. This eerily intelligent doll was threatening to murder its family. Now it does their taxes. :'''Doll''': ''Everything's deductible.'' :'''Rick''': Don't pay for cool stuff with your soul. Pay for it with money. You know, like how every store in the world works? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jerry''': Morty, I'm not as smart as your Grandpa Rick, but I promise never to make that your problem again. :'''Morty''': Hey, Dad? Nobody's smarter than Rick, but nobody else is my dad. You're a genius at that. :'''Jerry''': Wow, that's humbling and flattering, son. Thank you. What's say we finish ourselves an 8-planet solar system? :'''Morty''': Um... ''[holds up the butter robot in a sandwich baggie]'' I'm just gonna take this thing in and get an A. :'''Butter Robot''': Butter. :'''Jerry''': But— :'''Morty''': You're a genius at being my dad, Dad. Quit while you're ahead. ''[Jerry begins to shut the door]'' And also, knock next time, you know? I mean, I'm sitting in here, I'm fourteen! I got a computer in here, you know? :'''Jerry''': Oh, I, uh... I think I understa— :'''Morty''': You know, you're really playing with fire when you burst in here like that, man. :'''Jerry''': I get it. Say no more. :'''Morty''': I mean one of these days, you know, you're gonna—you're gonna—you're gonna end up seeing ''something''. :'''Jerry''': I got it! Noted! Good night! === ''Close Rick-Counters of the Rick Kind'' [1.10] === :'''Morty''': Geez, Rick, wh-what is this place? :'''Rick''': The Citadel of Ricks. It's the secret headquarters for the Council of Ricks. :'''Morty''': Council of Ricks? :'''Rick''': As you know, Morty, I've got a lot of enemies in the universe that consider my genius a threat. Galactic terrorists, a few sub-galactic dictators, most of the entire intergalactic government. Wh-wherever you find people with heads up their asses, someone wants a piece of your grandpa. And a lot of versions of me on different timelines had the same problem. So a few thousand versions of me had the ''[yells]'' INGENIOUS IDEA OF BANDING TOGETHER like a herd of cattle or a school of fish, or... those people who answer questions on {{w|Yahoo! Answers}}. :'''Morty''': Hey! What do you know? It's a cowboy version of me! :'''Rick''': Geez, you're easy to impress. Yeah, most timelines have a Rick, and most Ricks have a Morty. This place is a real who's who of who's you and me. :'''Rick Seller 1''': Turn your boring, old Morty into a... hot fashion statement... with some Morty dazzlers! :'''Rick Seller 2''': Hey, check this out! ''[presses Morty doll]'' :'''Morty Doll''': ''Show me the Morty!'' :'''Rick''': Dumb. :'''Rick Insurer''': Excuse me, sir, is your Morty insured? You know, every year, hundreds of Mortys are injured— :'''Rick''': Back off! Not my cup of tea, this place. I say the point of being a Rick is being ''a'' Rick. :'''Rick Officer''': Save your anti-Rick speech for the Council of Ricks, ''terror''-Rick. :'''Rick''': Hey, save your Rick rules for the ''uuueh'' sheep-Ricks, Rick-pig. :'''Rick Officer''': Fuck me, pal. :'''Rick''': "Fuck you"? No, no, no, no, no, fuck ''ME!'' <hr width=50%> :'''Riq IV''': Earth Rick C-137! The Council of Ricks sentences you to the Machine of Unspeakable Doom, which swaps your conscious and unconscious minds, rendering your fantasies pointless while everything you've known becomes impossible to grasp! Also, every ten seconds, it stabs your balls. <hr width=50%> :'''Morty''': You know, Rick, when I first saw all those Ricks and Mortys, I thought, "Gee, that kinda devalues our bond." But then I realized it just means that our relationship must be pretty special to span over all those different timelines. :'''Rick''': Yeah, it's gotta be that way. You're a camouflage. :'''Morty''': Camouflage? Wh-wh-what are you talking about, Rick? :'''Rick''': Ricks have a very distinctive and traceable brainwave due to our genius. The best way to hide from an enemy's radar is to stand near someone with complementary brainwaves that make ours invisible. ''[picks his pen]'' See, w-w-w-when a Rick i-is with a Morty, ''[writes diagram]'' the genius waves get canceled out by the, uh... ahe-hem... Morty waves. :'''Morty''': Um... because... our personalities are so different? === ''{{w|Ricksy Business}}'' [1.11] === :''[Abradolf Lincler smashes a hole in the wall]'' :'''Rick''': Oh, great. Who invited Abradolf Lincler? :'''Summer''': I thought everyone was welcome. :'''Rick''': It's not the same, Summer! Lincler's a crazed maniac. He's just a misguided effort of mine to create a morally neutral super-leader by combining the DNA of [[Adolf Hitler]] and [[Abraham Lincoln]]. Turns out that ''ehh''-it just adds up to a lame, weird... loser. :'''Lincler''': Rick... you brought me into this world a suffering abomination, tortured by the duality of its being, but I shall finally know peace when I WATCH THE LIFE DRAIN FROM YOUR WRETCHED BODY!! ''[accidentally nudges at Brad]'' :'''Brad''': Whoa! What's up, man? :'''Lincler''': I have no quarrel with you, boy. :'''Brad''': ''Boy''? What's that supposed to mean? :'''Lincler''': It's just— L-Look, I-I-I don't know you thought I mean it, but... ''[shrugs at Rick]'' :'''Rick''': Don't look at me, dude. :'''Lincler''': Look, I'm half-Abraham Lincoln, so... :'''Brad''': So... I should get on my knees and kiss your ass?! :'''Lincler''': No, but... ''[strains]'' Y'know— :'''Brad''': What do I know?! That the Third Reich will reign for a thousand years?! :'''Jessica''': Leave him alone, Brad! :'''Brad''': Stay outta this, Jessica!! :'''Rick''': KICK HIS ASS, BRAD!! ''[everyone starts chanting]'' KICK HIS ASS!! KICK HIS ASS!! :''[Brad punches, kneebutts Lincler's face to a bloody pulp and brawls at him more]'' :'''Jessica''': Brad! ''[runs off to the front door with Morty running after her; he has Rick behind him]'' :'''Morty''': Rick!! :'''Rick''': ''[pushes him]'' Just did you a favor, Morty. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bird Person''': Morty, do you know what ''wubba lubba dub dub'' means? :'''Morty''': Oh, that's just Rick's stupid nonsense catchphrase. :'''Bird Person''': It's not nonsense at all. In my people's tongue, it means, ''I am in great pain. Please help me.'' :'''Morty''': Well, I got news for ya—he's saying it ironically. :'''Bird Person''': No, Morty. Your grandfather is indeed in very deep pain. That is why he must numb himself. :'''Morty''': Come on... uh— :'''Bird Person''': Bird Person. :'''Morty''': Come on, Bird Person! Rick's not that complicated! He's just a... huge asshole! :'''Bird Person''': Then why do care so much if you are no longer allowed to continue on your adventures together? It appears fate has presented you with an opportunity to free yourself of Rick forever. :'''Morty''': Y'know what, you're right. I shouldn't even care! This is probably the best thing that could have happened to me! I'm sick of having adventures with Rick! :'''Bird Person''': My people have another saying. ''Gubba nub nub doo rah kah.'' It means, ''Whatever lets you sleep at night.'' == Season 2 == === ''{{w|A Rickle in Time}}'' [2.01] === :'''Ricks''': This is why you don't freeze time, you guys. It's incredibly irresponsible. :'''Mortys''': And you did it so we could clean the house after a party?! :'''Ricks''': Look, there's no time to hold me accountable, Morty. Like, literally no time. Look around. Uncertainty is inherently unsustainable. Eventually, everything either is or isn't. And we've got about four hours to be "is." :'''Mortys''': Or...? :'''Ricks''': We "isn't." All right, since this time crystal exists in both possibilities, and since it's impossible that I didn't nail this, I'm probably about to press this button in both possibilities at exactly the same time. :'''Morty 1/Summer 2''': How do you know that I— :'''Ricks''': Whatever you're asking, the answer is I'm amazing. And away we go! :''[the two Ricks press their buttons; the two realities are starting to merge back together as one]'' :'''Rick''': Huh, what do ya know—it's working. ''[the two Mortys and Summers begin distorting each other thoroughly]'' Oh... shit! :''[Rick reverts into two possibilities again]'' :'''Ricks''': What the hell is wrong with you two?! I-I-I-I..I mean, you four! :'''Mortys/Summer 2''': That hurt! That was painful! :'''Ricks''': Good! I'm glad that was painful! You deserve it! I saw you!! Y-You're both ''uhh''-all over the damn place! We've been split for 20 minutes and your lives are already scattered to the quantum fucking wind?! What the hell do either of you two have to be so uncertain about?! Your brand of zit cream?! Which chair to sit in while I do everything?! Come on, spit it out! :'''Mortys''': Well, you don't exactly make it easy, Rick! ''[talk differently at the same time]'' You make fun all the time and that's got Summer to do! / You're always picking on me and now you got Summer to kiss your ass! :'''Summers''': Me?! What about you?! Could you be more excited to see me fail?! You got Grandpa all to yourself! / You're just as mean to me because you're jealous... because you want Grandpa all to yourself! :'''Ricks''': All right, all right, cool it! I see what's happening here. You're both young, you're both unsure about your place in the universe, and you both want to be Grandpa's favourite. I can fix this. Morty, sit here. Summer, you sit here. Now, listen—I know the two of you are very different from each other in a lot of ways, but you have to understand that as far as Grandpa's concerned, you're both pieces of shit! Yeah. I can prove it mathematically. Actually, l-l-let me grab my whiteboard. This has been a long time coming, anyways. <hr width="50%"> :'''Ricks''': So, in conclusion, you're both equally mercurial, overly sensitive, clingy, hysterical bird-brain homunculi. And I honestly can't even tell the two of you apart half the time because I don't go by height or age, I go by amount of pain in my ass—which makes you both identical. All right, everything resolved? Everybody nice and certain about their position in my world? :'''Mortys/Summers''': Yes. :'''Ricks''': All right, perfect. Sit still, ''arr''-arms down. I'm gonna do this again. This time, be like Grandpa. :'''Morty 2''': You mean drunk? :'''Rick 2/Rick 1''': What's that? You got something to say? / And awaaay we go! :'''Morty 2''': No. :'''Rick 2''': And awaaay we go! ''[presses his button but no response]'' Huh, that's weird. :'''Rick 1''': Huh, that's weird. ''[keeps pressing to no avail]'' Oh my God. :'''Summer 1/Rick 2''': What? / Oh my God. :'''Summer 2/Rick 1''': What? / The sonofabitch is gonna kill me! :'''Morty 1/Summer 1/Rick 2''': What?! / The sonofabitch is gonna kill me! :'''Morty 2/Summer 2''': What?! ''[both Ricks tinker time-device]'' :'''Rick 1''': Diabolical, unfeeling sociopath! Don't you get it?! Don't you get it?! :'''Rick 2''': Don't you get it?! The other Rick isn't trying to merge us anymore! :'''Ricks''': He thinks he can save his own skin by using the crystal to kill me! He probably figures it's ''ehh''-easier to eliminate one of the possibilities rather than merge them! ''[chuckling]'' I have to admit, it's always in the back of my mind too. The difference is I would never do it! Until now. :'''Mortys''': Rick, what the hell are you doing?! :'''Ricks''': Saving our lives! After he takes me out, he's g-g— he's gonna be coming for you! :'''Summers''': Who?! :'''Ricks''': Me! ''[Rick 1 shoots first before Rick 2 does; Morty and Summer 2 scream]'' :'''Rick 2''': You see that?! Get down! ''[shoots upwards at Rick 1]'' :'''Rick 1''': I told you! He's a psycho! :'''Rick 2''': He's lost it! Th-th-th-the time fracture must've made him crazy! :'''Rick 1/Summer 2''': I don't know what to do! I don't know what to do! / Oh, crap! :''[the two possibilities then gradually split into four; all Ricks look at their monitors with four dots]'' :'''Ricks''': Oh, God, now there's three of 'em! We're outnumbered! Get in the cupboards! ''[all Mortys and Summers do so]'' Wait, do-don't do that! They'll know! Wa-wait— Think about getting in the cupboards, but don't really! ''[all Ricks shoot their cupboards]'' <big><big>'''''URAAAHHHH''!!!!'''</big></big> IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT, YOU SICK FUCKS?!! YOU WANT TO SEE CHILDREN DIE?!! === ''Mortynight Run'' [2.02] === :'''Rick''': Okay, wait here. :'''Morty''': I wanna come with! :'''Rick''': Don't come with. It's boring, it's... ''[burp]'' it's business stuff. :'''Morty''': What kind of business do you do in a garage? Y'know, this seems a little shady. :'''Rick''': Right, yeah, like nothing shady ever happened in a fully furnished office? You ever hear about Wall Street, Morty? Y-Y-Y'know what those guys do i-in-in their fancy boardrooms? They take their balls and they dip 'em in cocaine and wipe 'em all over each other—y'know, Grandpa goes around and he does his business in public, because Grandpa isn't shady. ''[someone knocks his window]'' Aw, crap. Hey, what's up? :'''Krombopulos Michael''': Hey, Rick! ''[laughs]'' Here you go, 3,000 flerbos. Do you have the weapon? :'''Rick''': C-Can we please? This is my grandson, Morty. :'''Krombopulos Michael''': Oh, hi, Morty! I'm Krombopulos Michael. I'm an assassin, I buy guns from your grandpa. :'''Rick''': ''[groans]'' Here, go away! ''[K. Michael opens case]'' :'''Krombopulos Michael''': Ooh! Yeah, this looks deadly. So, this shoots antimatter? My target can't be killed with regular matter. Nice to meet ya, Morty! Listen, if ya ever need anybody murdered, ''[hands Morty a card]'' please give me a call. :'''Rick''': You're g— you're giving him a card?! :'''Krombopulos Michael''': ''[cont'd]'' I have no code of ethics, I will kill anyone, anywhere. Children, animals, old people, doesn't matter. I just love killin'. ''[leaves]'' :'''Morty''': You sell weapons to killers for money?! :'''Rick''': Ugh... You've got what the intergalactic call a very planetary mindset, Morty. It's more complicated out here. These are flerbos. Do you understand what two humans can accomplish with 3,000 of these? :'''Morty''': Uh, what? :'''Rick''': An entire afternoon at '''''BLIPS AND CHI-I-I-I-I-ITZ!!!!''''' <hr width=50%> :'''Fart''': Thank you, Morty. You are not like other carbon-based lifeforms. You put the value of all life above your own. :'''Morty''': It's how things should be. It's how they could be. :'''Fart''': I could not agree more. ''[sings]'' :''The worlds can be one together, cosmos without hatred'' :''Stars like diamonds in your eyes'' :''The ground can be space (space, space, space, space)'' :''With feet marching towards a peaceful sky.'' :''All the moonmen want things their way'' :''But we make sure they see the sun.'' :''Goodbye, moonmen'' :''You say goodbye, moonmen'' :''Goodbye— :'''Rick''': SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT MOONMEN! This isn't a musical number! This is a fucking... operation, we gotta be cool and fucking lay low. === ''Auto Erotic Assimilation'' [2.03] === :'''Rick''': "World peace achieved." Nice. Little weird to publish a paper about it for yourself, but hey. So, what's next? :'''Unity Newsman''': After I become a type-one civilization, this world will be invited into the Galactic Federation. :'''Rick''': Oh, goody. :'''Unity Businessman''': From there, I'll have access to countless planets and species. :'''Unity Woman''': One by one, I will unify them, I will become the universe, and I will be what the single-minded once called a god. :'''Rick''': ''[belches]'' I like that. Oh, that's pretty sexy. Hey, listen, where can we get a drink around here? :'''Unity Old Woman''': Recreational substances were phased out here. There's no need for escape from the self when your world is one. :'''Rick''': Unity, Unity, who am I talking to?! I watched you assimilate a whole police station just to get your hands on the evidence locker. :'''Unity Deliveryman''': Rick, when we met, I was a young hive mind with the population of a small town. People change. :'''Unity Hobo''': Especially when I change them. I'm sorry to disappoint you, but I've grown. :'''Rick''': Hey, listen, I've grown, too. I have! See, I've-I've reconnected with my family, right? :'''Unity Policewoman''': Hm. Why is that, I wonder? :'''Rick''': Maybe it's part of getting old. Maybe I just missed being with... a collective. ''[they both exchange kisses, upping their sexual arousal]'' :'''Unity People''': Yes, Rick, yes! Yes, yes! :'''Rick''': Wait, wait, stop! H-Hold it! Not like this. We need a hang glider, and a crotchless Uncle Sam costume, and I want the entire field of your largest stadium covered end to end with naked redheads, and I want the stands packed with every man that remotely resembles my father. <hr width=50%> :''[Blim Blam punches a glass door and aims a device at Jerry and Beth before using it on its throat]'' :'''Blim Blam''': ''[speaks]'' Um, first of all, hello. Uh, my name is Blim Blam the Korblok. Second of all, cards on the table, I'm a murderer that eats babies, and I came to this planet to ''eat'' babies. ''[Jerry smirks at Beth]'' However, I am also carrying a highly infectious disease that I suppose you could call "space AIDS" as you put it, and Rick ''did'' chain me up so that he could attempt to cure it. ''[Beth serves Jerry]'' At the same time, Rick's motivation to cure my disease was not to save my life or anyone else's, but to patent and sell the cure for billions of Blemflarcks. ''[Jerry serves back]'' But you know the reason why I ripped my chains out of the wall? ''[confronts them]'' And do you know why I'm never coming back to this planet?! BECAUSE THE TWO OF YOU ARE THE '''FUCKING WORST!!!''' You both hate yourselves AND each other! And the idea that it has '''ANYTHING''' to do with Rick is ''laughable''. I'd laugh, but I'm biologically incapable. ''That's'' how alien I am! And even I'm sitting here listening to the two of you and being like, "WHAT THE '''FUCK?!?'''" So! Good luck with your shitty marriage, and tell Rick I'm sorry he has to deal with EITHER of you! Blim Blam '''OUT!''' ''[mic-drops the device and leaves, only to come back for the device]'' You know what? I'm taking this. === ''Total Rickall'' [2.04] === :''[Rick shoots Uncle Steve in the head with his laser gun; everyone freaks out]'' :'''Morty''': What the hell, Rick?! What the hell?! :'''Rick''': Would everybody just relax for a second? There's no such thing as an "Uncle Steve". ''That'' is an alien parasite. ''[Steve's body morphs into a horrifyingly-looking alien, spraying magenta enzymes out of its mouth tentacles at Jerry. Summer and Beth gasp]'' :'''Jerry''': But I've known him my whole life! :'''Rick''': No, you haven't, Jerry! ''[brings it onto table]'' These telepathic little bastards, they embed themselves in memories and th-th-they use those to multiply and spread out, take over planets. It's-it's disgusting. :'''Morty''': Steve wasn't real?! :'''Rick''': He's a real piece of shit! This is a big one. ''[drops it]'' Somebody probably tracked it in last week on the bottom of their shoe or on a piece of alien fruit. :'''Summer''': Someone? :'''Rick''': Get off the high road, Summer! We all got pinkeye because you won't stop texting on the toilet. :'''Morty''': But Uncle Steve taught me how to ride a bike! :'''Rick''': No, "''Steve''" put that memory in your brain so he could live in your house, eat your food and multiply. We could be infested with these things. ''[burps, unloads laser clip]'' So, we got to keep an eye out for any zany, wacky characters that pop up. :'''Mr. Poopybutthole''': Oooohwee! Whatever you want, Rick, we're here to help! :'''Rick''': Thanks, Mr. Poopybutthole. I always could count on you. <hr width=50%> :'''Sleepy Gary''': I think you should put down the gun and we should get you to a doctor. What do you say we take down these blast shields? :'''Rick''': I can't do that, Sleepy Gary. All right, everybody listen to me! I don't know if any of you guys are real, but this house has been infested with fake loved ones that spread through fake memories, and our planet will be destroyed if they get out. :'''Pencilvester''': ''[grunts]'' But Rick, even you have to admit you do tend to overreact to stuff. :''[cutaway to living room with Frankenstein, Morty, Ghost In a Jar, Pencilvester, Beth and Sleepy Gary]'' :'''Rick''': You guys! We gotta hurry! I just got back from {{w|Walmart}}, they're selling {{w|Nintendo 3DS}} systems for 149.99 on sale, plus every time you buy one, you get a $50 gift card—brings the total price down to $110 after tax! Now listen! We can flip those sons of bitches for 230 bucks apiece easy! They're all limited-edition "{{w|The Legend of Zelda|Zelda}}" ones! Hurry! Hurry, come with me! We can be rich, and we also all get to keep one and we can play {{w|Nintendo}} games! ''[exits, comes back]'' Nintendo, give me free stuff. :''[back to present]'' :'''Rick''': Okay, yes, I definitely remember doing that, but also, I would never do that! :'''Pencilvester''': Don't overreact, Rick. === ''Get Schwifty'' [2.05] === :'''Morty''': Mr. President, if I've learned one thing today, it's that sometimes you have to not give a fuck! <hr width=50%> :'''Rick''': Wh-what do you think, Ice? Probably a little overdeveloped. :'''Ice-T''': Shit. Overdeveloped, underdeveloped, a bad song's a bag song. :'''Rick''': Well, do you think, maybe— Could you give me some help with it or...? :'''Ice-T''': Aw, hell no, man. You do your thing, but I can't afford to get my pride wrapped up in your shame. You know what I'm saying? :'''Rick''': Ice, I don't want to be a Negative Nelly or anything, but ''ihh''-if Morty doesn't come back with my portal gun and I eat it out there, it's, uh, y'know, kind of your problem too. :'''Ice-T''': Pfft! I ain't worried about no Earth blowing up, man. :'''Rick''': What? Why not? :'''Ice-T''': Yo, this is why. ''[his body turns into a giant floating block of ice]'' :'''Rick''': What the fuck? You can turn into ice?! :'''Ice-T''': My story begins at the dawn of time in the faraway realm of Alphabetrium. There, every being is a letter of the alphabet. But I was frozen and exiled to the cosmos by my elders as punishment for not caring enough about ''anything''. Earth is just one of my many stops on a lifelong journey with no destination. So you better believe I don't care if it blows up. Because I'll just be ice floating through space, like a comet! :'''Rick''': Take it from me, Ice. Y''ouu'' can't just ''eh''-float around space not caring about stuff forever. :'''Ice-T''': Pssh! Man, watch me. Good luck, Rick. === ''{{w|The Ricks Must Be Crazy}}'' [2.06] === :'''Morty''': ''[phased into a room]'' Oh, man! Where are we, Rick? :'''Rick''': Morty, remember eight seconds ago when— ''[burps]'' when you said "Go inside what?" and I said "The battery"? And then we showed up here and I wasn't like, "Whoa, this is unexpected. This is not what I was expecting, Morty. What a perplexing mystery this is." :'''Morty''': All right, all right. We're inside the battery, I get it. You don't have to bust my balls. :'''Rick''': Huh, this isn't right. This pipe's supposed to be sending 20 terawatts of juice to the... engine, Morty. Instead, we've got... ''zero''? Now what are these people doing?! :'''Morty''': W-W-W-Whoa... People? :'''Rick''': ''Ugh''... It's time for some hands-on engine repair. All right, Morty, hold on to something. :'''Morty''': Whoa! :''[the engine room hovers out of a volcano and flies into a civilized city]'' :'''Morty''': Holy crap! I thought we were inside your car battery, Rick! T-T-This is like a whole p-planet or something! :'''Rick''': Thanks, Morty. I'm pretty proud of this bad boy. Check it out. ''[shows hologram]'' I put a spatially tessellated void inside a modified temporal field until a planet developed intelligent life. I then introduced that life to the wonders of electricity, which they now generate on a global scale. And, you know, some of it goes to power my engine and charge my phone and stuff. :'''Morty''': You have a whole planet... sitting around making your power for you?! That's [[slavery]]! :'''Rick''': It's [[society]]! They work for each other, Morty. They pay each other, they buy houses, they get married and make children that replace them when they get too old to make power. :'''Morty''': That just sounds like slavery with extra steps! :'''Rick''': Ooh-la-la, someone's gonna get laid in college. <hr width=50%/> :'''Zeep''': You do realize this will make the floooble crank obsolete? ''[Rick flexes his bones]'' This is wrong, Kyle. What you're doing is wrong. You're basically... ''[scoffs, Rick mouths his words]'' This is slavery. You're talking about creating a planet of slaves. :'''Rick''': ''[burps]'' Told you, Zeep. :'''Kyle''': Oh, they won't be slaves. They'll work for each other and pay each other money. :'''Zeep''': That just sounds like slavery with ex...tra... steps... ''[turns to Rick]'' :'''Rick''': What? :'''Zeep''': Wait a minute... ''[grabs him]'' Did you create my universe?! Is my universe a miniverse?! :'''Rick''': Microverse!! :'''Kyle''': Uh, teenyverse. :'''Rick''': ''[Zeep removes his antenna headband]'' Ugh! You bastard!! ''[removes Zeep's mask]'' :'''Zeep''': Much obliged! ''[pummels into Rick fighting each other]'' :'''Kyle''': What the hell is happening? :'''Morty''': This is healthy. Trust me. :'''Rick''': You're my battery, motherfucker! ''[punches Zeep]'' That's all you are! I made you!! Your microverse sucks!! And your miniverse is the size of a fucking lobster tank!! It's whack!! :'''Kyle''': Are they not really aliens? :'''Morty''': Nah, they're just a couple of... crazy, wacky scientists, y'know? :'''Kyle''': So he made a universe, and that guy is from that universe, and that guy made a universe... and that's the universe where I was born? Where my father died... Where I couldn't make time for his funeral because I was working on ''my'' universe. :'''Morty''': ''[laughs]'' Yeah! Science, huh? Ain't it a thing. Y'know, one time, Rick sh— accidentally shot his laser pistol right through my hand. Ha, y'know, I mean, like... o...old-lady science, y'know? She-she-she's... she's a real... ''[Kyle walks away]'' You gotta hang on tight, y'know? Because she... she'll, she bucks really hard. ''[Kyle enters engine room pod, flies it straight into a canyon]'' Ohh, boy, wha— Oh my God, no!! :''[the pod crashes into the canyon; Morty looks down at its flaming debris in the river with Rick and Zeep looking down]'' :'''Zeep/Rick''': Teenyverse. <hr width=50%/> :'''Zeep''': Asshole! When I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna smash it to pieces with you in it! :'''Rick''': Yeah, well, when ''I'' get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna get out of the surrounding miniverse, and then the microverse around that, and guess what?! :'''Morty''': Don't make things worse, Rick! ''[to Zeep]'' Uh, he's not gonna destroy your universe, ya know? W-We need it to start our car-- :'''Zeep''': ''[aghast]'' THAT'S what you use my universe for?! TO RUN YOUR CAR?! :'''Rick''': Yeah, but don't flatter yourself! There's always triple-A, you fucking cocksucker! === ''Big Trouble in Little Sanchez'' [2.07] === :'''Summer''': Wait, what?! Vampires are real?! :'''Rick''': Yes, Summer, vampires are real. Who knew? Oh right, all humanity for hundreds of years now. :'''Morty''': Yeah, Summer, it's a big universe. Get used to it. R-Right, Rick? :'''Summer''': Well, what are we going to do?! :'''Rick''': We're gonna live our lives until we die. Possibly by vampire. More likely auto accident or heart disease, but possibly vampire. <hr width="50%"/> :''[meanwhile, in Harry Herpson High School]'' :'''Summer''': Any leads on the vampire? :'''Morty''': No, Summer. I mean, y'know, I think it might be time that we just l-let it go. :'''Summer''': Oh, so now you're too cool for this just because Grandpa Rick is? :'''Morty''': It's not that, it's just... that the universe is a little too big to care about something so small. ''[closes locker next to Tiny Rick]'' Ahh! :'''Tiny Rick''': What up, my Helsings?! Who wants to hunt a vampire?! Hahaha! :'''Morty''': Rick?! H-How did you— :'''Tiny Rick''': Yeah, I got bored and then I remembered this morning how I blew Summer off and I thought, "Hey, why're you such a grumpy douche, Rick? Go to the garage, transfer your mind into a younger clone of yourself, and get embroiled on in some youthful hijinks. What's the BFD?" So here I am. I'm Tiny Rick!! :'''Morty''': O-o-okay... :'''Summer''': Well, it's good you're here, Rick. :'''Tiny Rick''': It'll still be fun to do this as a fuckin' team, motherfuckas! ''[all hands join, up high]'' Tiny Rick! :'''Summer''': Yeah! Oh my God—Toby Matthews! :'''Tiny Rick''': Hey, Toby. I'm Tiny Rick. ''[Summer hides her face]'' I'm new. Hey—oh, go easy on me. Haha! Just kiddin'. :'''Toby Matthews''': ''[beat]'' ..I like your straightforward style. And that lab coat's pretty cool. ''[strolls]'' Summer. :'''Summer''': ..He knows my name! :'''Tiny Rick''': Why wouldn't he?! You're great! But listen, just be careful. We can't rule anybody out as the vampire, ''[nudges Summer's arm]'' not even the dreamboats. :'''Summer''': ''[flattered]'' Stop, Tiny Rick. :'''Tiny Rick''': HUNTIN' A VAMPIRE WITH MY GRANDKIIIDS!! FUCK!! '''''TINY RIIICK!!!''''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tiny Rick''': Hey, what's up, Summer? Ooh, nice top. :'''Summer''': Thanks. Tiny Rick, you think you might be getting back into your old body tonight? :'''Tiny Rick''': No can do. Tonight's the big dance, and Morty's bringing Jessica. He needs his tiny wingman! ''[high-fives Morty]'' :'''Both''': Tiny Rick! ''[Morty laughs]'' :'''Summer''': Okay, but if not tonight, when? :'''Tiny Rick''': I dunno. When I feel like it? :'''Morty''': Damn, girl! You need to chill out! This whole thing was your idea in the first place, and now you're tryin' to rush it along. :'''Tiny Rick''': Yeah, and y'know what? I like high school. I like hangin' out. I'm Tiny Rick! :'''Summer''': But what if the you that likes it ''isn't'' you? :'''Both''': ''[beat, laugh out loud]'' Oh, Summer! :'''Morty''': It's just Rick in a younger body! What's the-what's-what's-what's... what's the problem? :'''Summer''': Look at his art, Morty! :'''Tiny Rick''': I've got an emo streak. It's part of what makes me so rad. :'''Summer''': Why does it say "Help me Morty and Summer!"?! :'''Tiny Rick''': ''[crumbles, throws paper]'' Come on, Summer, that's just the title of the art. Why was [[Knight Rider (1982 TV series)|Knight Rider]] called Knight Rider? The car's name was KITT. Nobody rode Michael Knight. You're overthinkin' it, Summer. I'm Tiny Rick!! :'''Summer''': Grandpa, I think that when you put your mind into this body's young brain, it did what young brains do—it shoved the bad thoughts into the back and put a large wall around them. But those bad thoughts are the real Rick. The fact that you're old, the fact that we're all going to die one day, the fact that the universe is so big, nothing in it matters—those facts are who you are! So you're trapped in there and you can only come out in the form of Tiny Rick's teen angst! :'''Tiny Rick''': Well, Summer, I hear Toby Matthews isn't into psycho chicks. Can't think of anyone that is. I'll see you motherfuckas at the dance! Tiny Rick! :'''Summer''': Morty, you have to help me! :'''Morty''': Summer, he's happy! I'm happy! I-I-Is that why you're doing this?! You don't want me and Rick to be happy?! :'''Summer''': No! :'''Morty''': Well, then get your shit together! Get it all together and put it in a backpack—all your shit, so it's together. ''[leaves, then comes back]'' And if you gotta take it somewhere, take it somewhere, you know? Take it to the shit store and sell it, o-or put it in a shit museum. I don't care what you do! You just gotta get it together! ''[leaves, then comes back again]'' Get your shit together. ''[leaves]'' === ''Interdimensional Cable 2: Tempting Fate'' [2.08] === :'''Jerry''': W...where am I? :'''Alien Doctor''': Relax, Mr. Smith. You're in an alien hospital. I mean, to you, it's an alien hospital. To me, you're just in a hospital. There's another matter we need to discuss with you. :'''Jerry''': Okay. :'''Ambassador''': An hour ago, Shrimply Pibbles, the galaxy's most influential civil rights leader, was brought to this hospital's emergency room where he is currently fighting for his life. :'''Jerry''': My God! :'''Ambassador''': Mr. Smith, Shrimply Pibbles' life can be saved... if we replace his heart with your human penis. :'''Jerry''': I see... Wait, what?! ''[the doctor presents an anatomical hologram to Jerry]'' :'''Alien Doctor''': It's perfect. The configuration of veins, the ratio of thickness to elasticity, the delicate asymmetry of what you call your balls—and with relatively few adjustments, your genitals can be moulded into a functioning heart for the most important man in the universe. :'''Jerry''': Yeah, but, I mean— :'''Yarp''': Oh, forget it! I told you this was a waste of time! :'''Ambassador''': Have respect, Yarp. The Earth man's world is tiny and undeveloped. He knows nothing of the genocides of Clorgon, or the tragic events of 65.3432.23/14. :'''Shrimply Pibbles''': And even if he did, he wouldn't comprehend them. I've dwelt among the humans. Their entire culture is built around their penises. It's funny to say they are small. It's funny to say they are big. I've been at parties where humans held bottles, pencils, thermoses in front of themselves and called out, "Hey, look at me. I'm Mr. So-and-So Dick. I've got such-as-such for a penis." I never saw it fail to get a laugh. :'''Jerry''': All right! That's enough! You guys are talking about my species! We understand genocide! We do it sometimes! :'''Ambassador''': Then you would give your penis so that Shrimply Pibbles might live? :'''Yarp''': Stop asking! :'''Jerry''': Yes, I will! That's right, assholes! Take my penis. Take it all!! And tell Shrimply Pibbles that when the galaxy came calling, Jerry Smith from Earth ''didn't'' flinch! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Announcer''': It's the Opposite News with Michael Thompson! :'''Michael Thompson''': Hey, everybody, it's me, Michael Thompson. Today the Pope ''didn't'' get killed. He's perfectly fine, and he's on vacation in Aruba. In other opposite news... :'''Morty''': Hey, Rick, what's the deal with this guy? W-Why is his body, like, sloping off to the right side of the screen like that? :'''Rick''': I don't know, Morty. Let's see what else is on, huh? ''[changes channel]'' :'''Pichael Thompson''': Hey, welcome to Cooking Things. I'm Pichael Thompson. :'''Morty''': Hey, wait a minute, Rick! This guy's body is, like, sloping down and leaning off to screen left! :'''Rick''': Oh my God, and his name's Pichael! :'''Pichael Thompson''': I'm cooking a little bit of this, I'm gonna cook a little bit of that. Oh-ho-ho, hey! ''[drags conjoined Michael]'' Stop tugging, Michael! :'''Morty''': Oh my God! Siamese twins! They're-they're Siamese twins! :'''Michael Thompson''': You quit tugging! I-I'm in the middle of my news! :'''Pichael Thompson''': Oh, oh, it's always about you, isn't it? Can you believe this guy, ladies and gentlemen? He's got his own news show, he's got a normal name! :'''Morty''': Hey, flip back to the news! :'''Rick''': Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. :'''Pichael Thompson''': You could tell our parents started with naming with him. ''[the news camera backs away, showing them in Pichael's side]'' It's like, "Oh, Michael." I ha— They had that one planned before they even got pregnant, I bet. :'''Summer''': I don't wanna be that girl, but maybe there would be less conflict if they didn't shoot their shows at the same time? :'''Rick''': Oh, Summer, you have no idea how much money that must save production. :'''Pichael Thompson''': And then they found out I was attached along for the ride and they said, "Ah, shit. Well, just fuck it, call him Pichael." :'''Michael Thompson''': ''[throws papers at Pichael's face]'' Fuck you, Pichael! You're a fucking piece of shit! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Summer''': Does all interdimensional TV have to rely on juvenile violence? :'''Morty''': Well, Summer, maybe people that create things aren't concerned with your delicate sensibilities, y'know? M-Maybe the species that communicate with each other ''through the filter of your comfort'' are less evolved than the ones that just communicate! Maybe your problems are your own to deal with, and maybe the public giving a shit about your feelings is a one-way ticket to EXTINCTION! :'''Rick''': Geez, Morty. I take it Katherine Heffelfinger hasn't texted you back yet? :'''Morty''': I don't wanna talk about it! === ''Look Who's Purging Now'' [2.09] === :'''Rick''': Hey, Muchacho, does your planet have wiper fluid yet or you gonna freak out and start worshipping us? :'''Villager''': The general store ought to have what you need. :'''Rick''': Thanks. :'''Villager''': Of course, you'll be wanting to be gone from here by sundown. :'''Rick''': Yeah, sure thing. Wait a minute, what? Why? :'''Villager''': Sundown is when the Festival begins. :'''Morty''': The Festival? :'''Villager''': Ooh, well, for millennia, our society has been free of crime and war, livin' in perfect peace. :'''Rick''': Oh! I know what this is! You've been able to sustain world peace because you have one night a year, where you all run around robbing and murdering each other without consequence! :'''Villager''': That's right! :'''Morty''': What?! :'''Rick''': It's like ''[[The Purge]]'', Morty! Th-That movie, ''The Purge''? :'''Villager''': Oh, have you been here before? :'''Rick''': No, no, but I've been to a few planets with the same gimmick. Y'know, sometimes it's called the Cleansing or the Red Time. There was this one world that called it just Murder Night. I-It's a purge planet. They're peaceful and then, y'know, they just purge. :'''Morty''': Th-That's horrible! :'''Rick''': Yeah. ''[beat]'' You wanna check it out? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Morty''': You're the worst! And this planet is the worst! How can you be into this, y'know?! People are gonna kill each other! :'''Rick''': So, what, y-y-you tryin' to sit here and tell me that ''iiif''-- if there's a video online with someone getting decapitated, you don't click on it? :'''Morty''': No! Why... why would I do that?! ''You'' do that?! :'''Rick''': I don't, because it would bore me. I see shit like that for breakfast, Morty. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Arthricia crawls out of Rick's ship before being confronted by Rick and Morty in power armor. Rick aims at her]'' :'''Arthricia''': Wait, stop! Please don't kill me! I-I never intended to harm you, I swear! I am trying to end the Festival! :'''Rick''': Wh-what-what do you mean? :'''Arthricia''': I was going to use your ship to destroy the rich assholes that run our society and save my people from the horrors of this yearly Festival! :'''Morty''': ''[still frenzied]'' FUCK THAT, RICK! WE GOTTA KILL HER! KILL HER! KILL HER!! :'''Rick''': Whoa! Geez, Morty, purge it down a little. :'''Morty''': "PURGE, DON'T PURGE"?! YOU'RE SENDING ME MIXED MESSAGES, RICK! :'''Rick''': Morty, ''yehh''-you're acting like a ''ehh''-freaking lunatic. Calm down. :'''Morty''': SCREW YOU, RICK! I'LL PURGE YOU TOO, YOU OLD... "RICKETY" PIECE OF CRAP! THIS HAS BEEN A LONG TIME COMING! I'M GONNA RIP YOUR FUCKING GUTS OUT AND SMEAR 'EM ALL OVER YOUR FACE! I AIN'T TAKING NO SH-''AAAHH!! [gets zapped by Rick]'' :'''Rick''': Okay, s-sorry about that. Now, where are these rich people? === ''{{w|The Wedding Squanchers}}'' [2.10] === :'''Jerry''': Uh, Rick, is there anything you'd like to tell us about your relationship with this... previously unknown galactic government? :'''Rick''': All the important points seem pretty clear, no? They think they control the galaxy, I disagree. Don't hate the player, hate the game, son. :'''Jerry''': How could you be so dishonest with this family?! :'''Rick''': Oh! Oh, should I have been more open and trusting and loving like, oh, I don't know—my now ''dead'' best friend?! Or your daughter, who is BFFs with an intergalactic narc?! :'''Summer''': Hey, Tammy was cool! :'''Rick''': And now we know why! :'''Summer''': Because of you! :'''Rick''': Fuck you, Summer! And fuck the government! And fuck me for letting my guard down, which I will '''NEVER''' DO AGAIN. :'''Morty''': Geez, Rick! You can't say f— "'f' you" to your granddaughter! :'''Rick''': I just did, Morty. Here's dessert: fuck ''you.'' :'''Beth''': Look, I think we've all had a tough wedding. Actually, the wedding was beautiful. The reception got out of hand. Anyway, I say we go home, sleep it off, and have a family meeting in the morning. :'''Rick''': Yeah, about going home? We can't. ''Ever.'' :'''Smiths''': Wait, what?! / What?! :'''Rick''': Oh, these guys are looking for us now. Earth will be swarming with them. :'''Jerry''': ''Us?!'' :'''Beth''': Jerry— :'''Jerry''': I want to go home! :'''Rick''': Look, anyone that wants to go back to Earth is free to go back to Earth. But here's what's gonna happen. Alien bureaucrats are gonna arrest you. They're gonna put the intergalactic equivalent of ''ehh''-jumper cables under your nuts and/or labia, and hook 'em up to an alien car battery until you tell them where I am - which I guarantee you you're not gonna know, which I guarantee ''they'' won't believe! So who's homesick? By applause. ''[Summer starts crying]'' Ladies? Anybody? :'''Summer''': What are we going to do?! Where are we going to live?! :'''Rick''': Take it easy. This is a blessing in disguise. Fuck Earth. You realize our planet's name means "dirt", right? We'll find a new world. Computer, how many planets in the Milky Way are at least 90 percent similar to Earth? :'''Computer''': ''[calculates]'' "''765 known planets.''" :'''Rick''': How many of those are outside federal jurisdiction? :'''Computer''': "''Three.''" :'''Rick''': See? Our cup runneth over. Now, who wants to go shopping for a brand-new motherfuckin' world?! All right! <hr width="50%"> :'''Jerry''': Okay, now that he's gone, can we please talk about our situation? :'''Morty''': Dad, you can't talk about people behind their back. Y'know, it's a small world. :'''Jerry''': Please, he's in the south pole! And ''we'' need to have a serious conversation! :''[Rick strolls casually past a terrain of pine and palm trees before taking off his coat. He puts it on again through a rain cloud. He arrives at the south pole, plants the flag into the snow]'' :'''Rick''': South pole discovered, baby! Oohhhh!! Oh, fuck, an ice cave?! Shit! ''[crawls into it]'' Things just keep on getting better! ''[reaches a heated area, starts shimmying at the side]'' Wow, it's the planet's core. :'''Jerry''': ''[heard above]'' I'm just saying, we keep acting like there's only two options, ''[Rick climbs up and eavesdrops underneath the cabin floorboards]'' but there's not. So, yes, if we went back to Earth, as long as Rick was out there, they'd want to interrogate us. But, and this is purely hypothetical—what if we turned your father into the government? :'''Beth''': Jerry, so help me God, if you ever bring this up again, no more bacon! :'''Jerry''': There already is no more bacon! This world sucks! Our life sucks! Why are doing this for someone that would ''never'' do anything for anyone but himself?! :'''Morty''': That's not the point, Dad! We love Rick! ... F-F-For the most part. :'''Summer''': Yeah, you don't love people in hopes of a reward, Dad. You love them unconditionally. :'''Beth''': That's very good, kids. I'm proud of you. :'''Jerry''': Okay, so let me get this straight. For the rest of your lives, no matter how much it hurts you, no matter how much it destroys our children's futures, we're gonna do whatever Rick wants, whenever he wants? :'''Morty/Summer/Beth''': Yes! :'''Jerry''': ''WHY?!'' :'''Beth''': Because I don't want him to leave again, you dumb asshole! == Season 3 == === ''{{w|The Rickshank Rickdemption}}'' [3.01] === :'''Cornvelious Daniel''': I can see why you chose this family-friendly restaurant to represent your cerebellum. So safe, so comfortable, so Shoney's. But admit it, Rick—you're going crazy cooped up in here. Let's go visit some memories. :'''Rick''': Oh, any particular ones? You want to see my first boner, or should we go straight to the moment I discovered {{w|interdimensional travel}}? ''[Cornvelious Daniel is squealing with arousal]'' Ooh, your little flappy doodles are twitching. Does that mean you're aroused, or did you just get a signal that one of your buddies found a grape? :'''Cornvelious Daniel''': It's arousal. Yes, I'd like very much to visit the memory of you inventing your portal gun. :'''Rick''': Yeah, well, tough titties. ''[the restaurant starts crumbling around Cornvelious Daniel and Rick]'' :'''Cornvelious Daniel''': There's no tougher titty than a psychotic break, Rick. :'''Rick''': Well, that depends on who breaks first—me or the titty. <hr width=50% /> :'''Morty''': Geez! Are my parents seriously gonna get divorced? All right, Rick, I'm gonna go to my-- :'''Rick''': ''[grabs him]'' Ah-ah, not so fast, Morty! You heard your mom. We've got adventures to go on, Morty, just you and me. And sometimes your sister and sometimes your mom, but ''never'' your dad. You wanna know why, Morty? Because he ''crossed'' me. :'''Morty''': Okay, take it easy, Rick. T-T-That's dark. :'''Rick''': Oh, it gets darker, Morty. Welcome to the darkest year of our adventures. First thing that's different: no more Dad, Morty! :'''Morty''': Oh, geez... :'''Rick''': He threatened to turn me in to the government, so I made him and the government go away! :'''Morty''': Oh, fuck...! :'''Rick''': I've repl''aaaa''ced them both as the ''de facto'' patriarch of your family ''and'' your universe. :'''Morty''': Oh, man... :'''Rick''': Your mom wouldn't have accepted me if I came home without you and your sister, so now you know the ''real'' reason I rescued you. I just took over the family, Morty! And if you tell your mom or sister I said any of this, I'll deny it! :'''Morty''': You're gonna deny it... :'''Rick''': And they'll take my side because I'm a hero, Morty! And now you're gonna have to go and do whatever I say, Morty! Forever! And I'll-- I'll go out and I'll find some more of that ''[[w:Mulan (1998 film)|Mulan]]'' Szechuan teriyaki dipping sauce, Morty! :'''Morty''': What are you talking about? :'''Rick''': Because that's-- ''that's'' what this is all about, Morty! :'''Morty''': "Szechuan"? :'''Rick''': That's my one-armed man! I'm not driven by avenging my dead family, Morty - that was fake! I-I-I'm driven by finding that McNugget sauce! :'''Morty''': "Nuggets"? :'''Rick''': I want that ''Mulan'' McNugget sauce, Morty! That's my series arc, Morty! :'''Morty''': What the hell?! :'''Rick''': If it takes nine seasons! I want my McNugget dipping sauce, Szechuan sauce, Morty! :'''Morty''': What are you talking about, Rick?! :'''Rick''': That's what's gonna take us all the way to the end, Morty! :'''Morty''': What are you talking about?! :'''Rick''': Season-- Nine more seasons, Morty! Nine more seasons until I get that dipping Szechuan sauce! :'''Morty''': What is that?! :''[The garage closes]'' :'''Rick''': For 97 more years, Morty! :'''Morty''': What are you talking about?! :'''Rick''': '''''I want that McNugget sauce, Morty!''''' === ''{{w|Rickmancing the Stone}}'' [3.02] === :'''Morty''': Summer, next time we're hiding in a chlorkian echo nest, can you do me a favour and turn your ringer off?! :'''Summer''': It's called ''[[w:carpe diem|carpe diem]]'', Morty. Look it up. :'''Morty''': ''You'' look it up, you don't... you don't even know what it means. :'''Summer''': That's because losers look stuff up while the rest of us are carp'en all them 'diems. :'''Rick''': Listen to your sister, Morty. To live is to risk it all, otherwise you're just an inert chunk of randomly assembled molecules drifting wherever the universe blows you. Oh, I'm sorry, Jerry, I didn't see you there, how much of that did you hear? :'''Jerry''': All of it. You were looking right at me. ''[sighs]'' I just... wanted to say goodbye to the kids. :'''Rick''': Cool. Just stay in the driveway; the kill-bots are live, and I took you off the whitelist. <hr width="50%"> :''[Summer walks with Hemorrhage's group through an abandoned city shooting hordes of mutants]'' :'''Summer''': How come you guys dress like you're in a theme-park stunt show, but these guys wear {{w|khaki}}s and {{w|hockey jersey}}s? ''[Hemorrhage's man shoots a mutant]'' :'''Hemorrhage''': After the boom-boom, some adapted to the new truth, and some chose to huddle near the boomy holes, clinging to the lie of the before-fore times. ''[shoots a mutant]'' The raidy-rays rotted them away, ''[approaches group of mutants on a billboard]'' leaving only their love for the vert-vert-isements on billyboards. :'''Summer''': Jesus Christ! Did the boomy-booms blow up all your wordy-word books? :'''Hemorrhage''': You mean {{w|dictionary|dictionaries}}? ''[Summer and Hemorrhage shoot the mutants down; Hemorrhage kneels down on the billboard and places his hand on the boy of a family]'' I think I was a child before the boom-booms. I think I looked like this. :'''Summer''': Want to piss on him? :'''Hemorrhage''': Get out of my head. === ''{{w|Pickle Rick}}'' [3.03] === :'''Pickle Rick''': ''[Morty comes to the garage]'' Morty! :'''Morty''': Rick? W-where are you? :'''Pickle Rick''': On my workbench, Morty. :'''Morty''': Are you invisible and you're gonna, like, fart on me? :'''Pickle Rick''': Flip the pickle over. ''[Morty walks to the workbench]'' :'''Morty''': What, I'm gonna touch it, and you're gonna tell me it's an alien dick or something? :'''Pickle Rick''': Come on, flip the pickle, Morty. ''[Morty holds a screwdriver]'' You're not gonna regret it. The payoff is huge. ''[Morty turns pickle over with Rick's face on it]'' I turned myself into a pickle, Morty! Boom! Big reveal! I'm a pickle! What do you think about that? I turned myself into a pickle! W-what are you just staring at me for, bro? I turned myself into a pickle, Morty. :'''Morty''': And? :'''Pickle Rick''': "And"? What more do you want tacked on to this? I turned myself into a pickle, and [[September 11 attacks|9/11]] was an inside job? :'''Morty''': Was it? :'''Pickle Rick''': Who cares, Morty? Global acts of terrorism happen every day. Uh, here's something that's never happened before: I'm a pickle! '''''I'M PICKLE RIIIIICK!''''' <hr width="50%"> :''[Pickle Rick comes into Dr. Wong's room with Beth, Summer and Morty]'' :'''Dr. Wong''': You must be Rick. :'''Pickle Rick''': Mm-hmm. :'''Dr. Wong''': I've heard a lot about you today. Your family is crazy about you, your daughter holds you in very high regard, you're a lucky fella. :'''Pickle Rick''': Yeah, yeah, yeah, thank you. Hey, sweetie, you don't still happen to have that syringe in your purse? :''[Beth looks to Dr. Wong, who nods to her to speak]'' :'''Beth''': Dad, I would like you to tell me what's in the syringe. :'''Pickle Rick''': It's a serum that I need to, uh...to stay alive. I have...had a rough day, and, uh...I've sustained a lot of damage, I'm pretty close to death, which the serum will prevent. :'''Dr. Wong''': By changing you from a pickle to a human. :'''Pickle Rick''': ''[long pause]'' Yes. :'''Dr. Wong''': Rick, why did you lie to your daughter? :'''Pickle Rick''': So I wouldn't have to come here. :'''Dr. Wong''': Why didn't you want to come here? :'''Pickle Rick''': Because I don't respect therapy. Because I'm a scientist. Because I invent, transform, create, and destroy for a living, and when I don't like something about the world, I change it. And I don't think going to a rented office in a strip mall to listen to some agent of averageness explain which words mean which feelings has ever helped anyone do anything. I think it's helped a lot of people get comfortable and stop panicking, which is a state of mind ''[belch]'' we value in the animals we eat, but not something I want for myself. I'm not a cow. I'm a pickle. When I feel like it. So... you asked. :'''Dr. Wong''': Rick, the only connection between your unquestionable intelligence and the sickness destroying your family is that everyone in your family, you included, use intelligence to justify sickness. You seem to alternate between viewing your own mind as an unstoppable force and as an inescapable curse. And I think it's because the only truly unapproachable concept for you is that it's ''your'' mind within ''your'' control. You chose to come here, you chose to talk to belittle my vocation, just as you chose to become a pickle. You are the master of your universe - and yet you are dripping with rat blood and feces, your enormous mind literally vegetating by your own hand. I have no doubt that you would be bored senseless by therapy, the same way I'm bored when I brush my teeth and wipe my ass. Because the thing about repairing, maintaining, and cleaning is it's not an adventure. There's no way to do it so wrong you might die. It's just work. And the bottom line is, some people are okay going to work, and some people... well, some people would rather die. Each of us gets to choose. === ''{{w|Vindicators 3: The Return of Worldender}}'' [3.04] === :'''Morty''': Rick, is this a ''[[w:Saw (franchise)|Saw]]'' thing? Are you seriously ''Sawing'' the Vindicators? :'''Rick''': Morty, I'm a drunk, not a hack. :'''Drunk Rick in video''': If you break the rules, lose the game or try to leave, you will die... like in ''[burps]'' ''Saaaaw''... <hr width="50%"> :'''Rick''': Jesus Christ, what a shitty neutrino bomb. it's a miracle I actually ever destroy anything. :'''Morty''': Oh, I don't know. You managed to destroy just about everything today: the villains, the heroes, the lines between them, my childhood... :'''Rick''': Thank ''you''. I appreciate it, Morty. I know you were sucking the Kool-Aid out of the Vindicators' dicks, so the fact that I was right about them must be pretty hard to admit. :'''Morty''': Yeah, it is. You know why, Rick? Because when you're an asshole, it doesn't matter how right you are, nobody wants to give you the satisfaction. :'''Morty''': I know. Everyone wants people they like to be right. That's why popular people are fucking dumb. And why your pretentious, poorly-written, high-budget friends back there can eat a double-decker shit sandwich. ''[the bomb powers down]'' Disarmed. :'''Morty''': Holy shit, you're ''jealous!'' === ''{{w|The Whirly Dirly Conspiracy}}'' [3.05] === :'''Jerry''': ''[being swallowed by a Gibble Snake]'' I'm sorry! I-I made a mistake, I won't do it again! :'''Rick''': Nobody ever does. :'''Jerry''': You self-righteous piece of shit! You took my family! :'''Rick''': "''I'' took ''your'' family"? Who do you think had taken more from them when you shot 20 CCs of liquid dreamkiller into my daughter? She was Rick's daughter, Jerry! She had options! :'''Gibble Snake''': Oof... :'''Rick''': That all ended because she felt sorry for you! You act like prey, but you're a predator! You use pity to lure in your victims! That's how you survive! I survive cause I know everything, that snake survives because children wander off, and you survive cause people think "Ooh, this poor piece of shit, he never gets a break! I can't stand the deafening silent wails of his wilting soul! I guess I'll hire him or marry him!" <hr width=50%> :'''Beth''': Just stay put, sweetie! Mom's still on hold! :'''Morphizer Customer Service Worker''': Morphizer Customer Service Worker. How may I help you? :'''Beth''': Yes, I'm having a little trouble with one of your machines. :'''Morphizer Customer Service Worker''': Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, ma'am. Do you see a little compartment on the side of the machine? :'''Beth''': Let me check.... Yes, got it. :'''Morty''': Mom? :'''Morphizer Customer Service Worker''': Great! Now, do you see the little button next to it? :'''Beth''': I do. :'''Morphizer Customer Service Worker''': Give that button a push. :'''Beth''': Okay. ''[pushes button]'' :'''Morty''': Mom, listen to me-- :'''Morphizer Customer Service Worker''': WE'RE FREE! ''[the Morphizer Customer Service Workers run out of Rick's machine]'' :'''Beth''': Okay, so I pushed the button, and three little men ran out. What do I do next? … Hello? I think we got disconnected-- ''[Morty angrily snatches Beth's phone, throws it onto the pavement and stamps on it]'' Morty! :'''Morty''': Don't "Morty" me! I tricked Rick into taking Dad on an adventure because I thought I could get a break from this kind of shit! But no! Like father, like goddamn daughter! You wanna be like Rick?! Congratulations! You're just as arrogant and just as irresponsible! :'''Gene''': ''[pops up]'' Everything okay here? :'''Morty''': Mind your own goddamn business, Gene! I'm having a conversation with my mother here! ''[Gene walks away]'' Kissing Rick's ass isn't gonna make him stay, Mom, but it ''will'' help you lose everyone else. :'''Beth''': Like I lost Summer. :'''Morty''': Hey, you haven't lost her yet. :'''Beth''': No, I definitely did. She's gone. :'''Morty''': ''[looks at the crashed garage]'' Goddammit! === ''{{w|Rest and Ricklaxation}}'' [3.06] === :'''Toxic Rick''': Yeah, motherfucker, YEAH! Get it! Get some! Right up your fucking bitch ass, you fuck! ''[to Toxic Morty]'' Guess who just discovered a new element?! Think you could do that, Morty? You think anyone but me could do that, ever in a billion years?! Do you think if God existed, he could do it?! The answer is no! If God exists, it's fucking ''ME!'' <hr width=50%> :'''Mr. Goldenfold''': Now who can tell me the common denominator of these two fractions? ''[pause]'' You don't know or you're just bored? :'''Morty''': Hey listen, you know, if we're all bored over here, wouldn't the common denominator be you? <hr width=50%> :'''Stacy''': Should I go? :'''Morty''': You're your own person, Stacy. :'''Stacy''': Then I'd like to stay. === ''{{w|The Ricklantis Mixup}}'' [3.07] === :'''Evil Morty''': The division I see is between the Ricks and Mortys that like the Citadel divided, and the rest of us. I see it everywhere I go. I see it in our schools, where they teach Mortys we're all the same because they're threatened by what makes us unique. I see it in our streets, where they give guns to Mortys so we're too busy fighting each other to fight real injustice. I see it in our factories, where Ricks work for a fraction of their boss's salary even though they're identical and have the same IQ. The Citadel's problem isn't homeless Mortys or outraged Ricks, the Citadel's problem is the Ricks and Mortys feeding on the Citadel's death. But I've got a message for them, from the Ricks and Mortys keeping it alive. A message from the Ricks and Mortys that believe in this Citadel to the Ricks and Mortys that don't: You're outnumbered! <hr width=50%> :'''Fat Morty''': They say that for your wish to come true, you have to give up something really important. For me, that's my panini maker. I wish for a million sandwiches! ''[drops the maker into the "Wishing Portal"]'' And yes, I see the irony. :'''Lizard Morty''': I guess I wish I had something cooler than this dumbass surfer necklace. ''[drops it in]'' :'''Glasses Morty''': I wish incest porn ha-had a more mainstream appeal... f-for a friend of mine! ''[drops in a harmonica]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Evil Morty''': This seems like a good time for a drink, and a cold, calculated speech with sinister overtones. A speech about politics, about order, brotherhood, power... but speeches are for campaigning. Now is the time for action. === ''{{w|Morty's Mind Blowers}}'' [3.08] === :'''Morty''': Hey, how come I was able to see those other people's memories? I wouldn't've been around for that. :'''Rick''': Yeah, sometimes I have to do a little editing, Morty. You know, it helps the Mind Blowers play a little bit better upon revisiting. <hr width=50%> :'''Morty''': How many of these are just horrible mistakes I made? I mean, maybe I'd stop making so many if I let myself learn from them. :'''Rick''': Don't break your back creating a lesson, Morty. It's a free-form [[w:anthology|anthology]]. I'm getting annoyed you're not hearing that. <hr width=50%> :''[On Morty using a [[w:spirit level|spirit level]]]'' :'''Rick''': What are you doing? :'''Morty''': You want your shelf level or not? :'''Rick''': And if I say "yes", you're gonna provide that for me with ''that?'' :'''Morty''': Yes, see the bubble? :'''Rick''': ''[snatches the level]'' I'm familiar with the bubble, Morty! I also dabble in precision, and if you think you can even approach it with your sad, naked caveman eyeball and a bubble of fucking air, you're the reason this species is a failure, ''[snaps it in two]'' and it makes me angry! :'''Morty''': You're drunk. === ''{{w|The ABC's of Beth}}'' [3.09] === :'''Beth''': Wow... he's really getting executed, after all this time. You know, the son that he ate was-- :'''Summer''': Your best friend Tommy, we know. Stop true-crime bragging. :'''Beth''': I was traumatized, Summer! Okay? Your generation wouldn't get that. :'''Summer''': Bitch, my generation gets traumatized for breakfast! <hr width=50%> :'''Rick''': Huh. Well, here's the problem right here. We've got a bunch of Froopy Land procedural carbons all gummed up and mixed in with real human DNA. :'''Beth''': Are you saying Tommy survived here by having sex with Froopy creatures, creating Froopy-human hybrid offspring and then consuming their proteins, sustaining himself with an endless cycle of cannibalistic incest? :'''Rick''': It's just a working theory. Of course, if that's the case, I'd expect he'd be worshipped as a kind of god by a medieval-level society of his least delicious children. :''[They are suddenly surrounded by mutant Froopy creatures with weapons]'' :'''Froopy''': Halt! You are now prisoners of our exalted ruler, giver and taker of life, humper and consumer of mortality, dispenser of life— :'''Rick''': Guys, if I could interrupt? We're way ahead of the reveal here. :'''Beth''': Yeah, just take us to King Tommy. <hr width=50%> :'''Beth''': Dad? I feel like I've spent my life pretending you're a great guy and trying to be like you. And the ugly truth has always been-- :'''Rick''': That I'm not that great a guy and you're exactly like me. :'''Beth''': Am I evil? :'''Rick''': Worse, you're smart. When you know nothing matters, the universe is yours. And I've never met a universe that was into it. The universe is basically an animal, it grazes on the ordinary. It creates infinite idiots, just to eat them, not unlike your friend Timmy. :'''Beth''': Tommy. :'''Rick''': Yeah, it hardly matters now, sweetie. You know, smart people get a chance to climb on top, take reality for a ride, but it'll never stop trying to throw you. And eventually, it will. There's no other way off. :'''Beth''': Dad, I'm out of excuses to not be who I am. So who am I? What do I do? :'''Rick''': My advice? Take off. Put a saddle on your universe. Let it kick itself out. :'''Beth''': I can't do that. The kids, Jerry, my job, and, as much as I hate to admit it, ABC's ''[[w:The Bachelor (U.S. TV series)|The Bachelor]]''-- :'''Rick''': I can make a clone of you. A perfect instance of you, with all your memories. An exact copy in every way. It'll love and provide for the kids, do your job, and consume broadcast-network reality TV on the same allegedly ironic level as you. You could be gone a day, a week, or the rest of your life with zero consequences. The moment you decide to come back, I flip a switch, and the clone's job is done. It feels no pain, it regrets nothing, and has zero chance of going ''[[w:Blade Runner|Blade Runner]]''. :'''Beth''': If nothing matters, why would you do that for me? :'''Rick''': I don't know, maybe you matter so little that I like you. Or maybe it makes you matter. Maybe I love you. Maybe something about your mother. Don't jump a gift shark in the mouth. :'''Beth''': I don't know if I can do it. :'''Rick''': Then stay, and luxuriate in a life you can finally know you've chosen. My secret bonus is that no matter what you choose, you're finally gonna chill the fuck out. === ''{{w|The Rickchurian Mortydate}}'' [3.10] === :'''President''': Here's the adventure: some kind of alien goo-ga has infested the Kennedy Sex Tunnels. I want it hunted down and taken out. :'''Morty''': "Kennedy ''Sex'' Tunnels"? :'''President''': Naturally you'll forget you saw them, along with, in order of national embarrassment: the Truman Cocaine Lounge, the McKinley Hooker Dump, and the Lincoln Slave Colosseum. He ''didn't'' free them all. And let me know when you're done. :'''Morty''': Maybe then we can get a selfie? :'''President''': Too busy, Morty! ''[to his aides]'' Now tell me about this summit, is it a peace one or a regular one? <hr width=50%> :'''Rick''': ''[Lands with Morty in the Amazon and they're surrounded by Brazilian troops]'' Don't do it, guys! The casualties would be in the brazillions. Cause you're Brazilian? It's a threat and a pun! Nobody gets me. <hr width=50%> :'''President''': We've been preparing for a Rick-level eventuality for some time. :'''Morty''': You mean you've been ordering other people to prepare for it while you sat on your ass at peace summits. :'''President''': Peace summits are important! :'''Morty''': Oh yeah, they work great. We're really ''drowning'' in peace. You suck! :'''President''': ''YOU'' suck! == Season 4 == === [[w:Edge of Tomorty: Rick Die Rickpeat|''Edge of Tomorty: Rick Die Rickpeat'']] [4.01] === :'''Morty''': Who are they? :'''Rick''': Crystal poachers. There's no lower form of life. They think the galaxy's their own personal piggy bank. :'''Morty''': Wait, then, what are we? :'''Rick''': We are Rick and Morty. <hr width=50%> :'''Morty''': Hey, uh, sorry I didn't listen to you and... tried to kill the whole world and stuff. Guess I gotta learn how to live in the moment a little more. :'''Rick''': Oh boy, so you actually ''learned'' something today? What is this, ''[[w:Full House|Full House]]''? I was living in the moment all day, and it kept getting me killed by Nazis. I think you have to think ahead ''and'' live in the moment. <hr width=50%> :'''Jerry''': Oh, real nice, Rick. Turning our son into an [[w:Akira (1988 film)|Akira]]? ''Real'' nice. :'''Rick''': Eat my ass, Jerry! He turned himself into Akira! :'''Jerry''': Oh-ho, I'll eat it! Because this is my house, Rick! I'll eat any ass I want. :'''Rick''': Gross. === [[w:The Old Man and the Seat|''The Old Man and the Seat'']] [4.02] === :'''Rick''': Well, it’s time I go on a solo adventure, and this time, it won’t involve [[w:Ron Howard|Ron Howard]]. ''[leaves the room]'' :'''Summer''': ''[speaking quickly and excitedly]'' He's gonna go poop. When he pats his belly like that and Morty doesn't go, it means he has to poop. He’s a shy pooper. He has his own secret place to poop. <hr width=50%> :'''Vermigurber''': Hey, ape man? I hope this was worth making a whole swarm of enemies. :'''Rick''': It will be... when I find whoever shit in my toilet. :'''Vermigurber''': Is that... code for something? Someone look that up! If that's drug slang, I ''need'' to know it! <hr width=50%> :''[The humiliating hologram display that Rick put up around the toilet for Tony, which he ends up submitting himself to after Tony's death]'' :'''Hologram Rick''': There he is, there's our guy! Congrats, Tony! Have fun with your stupid toilet that you get to use all by yourself now! Enjoy using it all by yourself while you sit there and think about how nobody wants to be around you, and how you ruin it for yourself because you're a huge piece of shit! Look at you sitting there: King Shit on his throne of loneliness! Enjoy this toilet with a thousand of me screaming every time you take a shit! All hail his majesty, the ''saaaaaaddest'' piece of garbage in the entire cosmos! Long live the big bad doo-doo daddy! May his reign last a thousand years! === [[w:One Crew over the Crewcoo's Morty|''One Crew over the Crewcoo's Morty'']] [4.03] === :'''Rick''': Good job, Heist-o-Tron. Go ahead and shut down. :'''Heist-o-Tron''': Negative. :'''Rick''': Excuse me? :'''Heist-o-Tron''': I am programmed to always be looking for the next big score. :'''Rick''': You're programmed to do as I say. :'''Heist-o-Tron''': I am programmed to double cross. :'''Rick''': You're not programmed to double cross ''me.'' :'''Heist-o-Tron''': If I were, it wouldn't be much of a double cross. === [[w:Claw and Hoarder: Special Ricktim's Morty|''Claw and Hoarder: Special Ricktim's Morty'']] [4.04] === :'''Balthromaw''': It pains me that you can feel my pain. :'''Rick''': Yeah, how about you suck your dick?! Which is also somehow ''my'' dick... :'''Summer''': ''[smirking]'' Aw, why can't couples that start out cheating ever end up happy? :'''Morty''': M-Maybe I can find that wizard's portal spell in here and g-get us home? :'''Rick''': How about finding the spell that unbinds me from your fucking dragon?! :'''Debranavox''': No spells can do that. Only the wizard can unbind soul bonds. :'''Rick''': Uh, who the fuck are you? :'''Debranavox''': "Who are we--"?! Who the fuck are ''YOU'', bitch?! :'''Lead Slut Dragon''': Debrah, stop. We are the slut dragons. We live in these slut caves where we fuck, suck, and eat butt. And we kindly ask that you leave. If the wizard knows we are here, he will imprison us. :'''Michael''': Yeah, and we like it down here, 'cause we can fuck woolly mammoths! Get out! :'''Lead Slut Dragon''': Get the fuck out of here, Michael! :'''Debranavox''': Shut up, Michael! You're the only one that fucks that thing! Get the fuck out of here! :'''Michael''': Well, at least I'm not into shit-play! Fuck you! <hr width=50%> :'''Rick''': Well, it's your world now. Have fun with empowerment, it seems to make everyone that gets it really happy. <hr width=50%> :'''Balthromaw''': Well, I've been thinking - what you said back there in the cave really resonated with me. Maybe we could... try again? :'''Morty''': Well, to be honest, I'm kind of grossed out with the sexual nature of how everything unfolded. I didn't know how sexual dragons were. I kind of just wanted to do some ''[[w:Dungeons & Dragons|D&D]]'' stuff, y'know? === [[w:Rattlestar Ricklactica|''Rattlestar Ricklactica'']] [4.05] === :'''Rick''': That's a sample by the way, it wears off after 10 hours and after that it'll cost you 30 bucks. :'''Jerry''': I probably won't even use it for 10 hours! ''[to his phone]'' Siri, set an alert for 9 hours and 50 minutes. :'''Siri''': Playing The Beatles. <hr width=50%> :'''Morty''': Why are they attacking us? I-I-I helped them! :'''Rick''': You gave them proof that there was something bigger and scarier to unite against, you little idiot! They would have gone back into the Dark Ages for a couple of generations, but instead, they dedicated themselves into making universe-destroying, un-thought-out technology like time travel, all so they could try to kill a little shitsack on Earth who couldn't let a dead snake be dead even after it bit his ankle! Next time, stay in the fucking car! <hr width=50%> :'''Morty''': Okay, so what are we doing? :'''Rick''': That book has everything they need to create snake time travel. A-A-And they're getting it in 1985, snake time. Now they're gonna do it so early that it won't involve us, and they're gonna be even stupider with it. :'''Morty''': Huh. And then what? :'''Rick''': We're removing ourselves from this sloppy, fucked-up story and letting snake time travel [[w:Ouroboros|eat its own tail.]] === [[w:Never Ricking Morty|''Never Ricking Morty'']] [4.06] === :'''Rick''': Morty, do you know what the [[w:Bechdel test|Bechdel test]] is? :'''Morty''': The what? :'''Rick''': For God's sake, Morty, the formula for measuring female agency in a story proposed by lesbian cartoonist [[w:Alison Bechdel|Alison]]-- What the hell are they teaching you in that school?! :'''Morty''': ''Other'' stuff! :'''Rick''': Then you've killed us both! :'''Morty''': Why is "lesbian" part of her job title?! :'''Rick''': Oh, ''now'' you're progressive?! <hr width=50%> :'''Rick''': Hey, what the fuck, Morty? The train you got me just completely derailed itself. There's blood all over the windows. :'''Morty''': Oh man, I'm sorry Rick. I guess I'll return it. :'''Rick''': Return it? Are you ''insane?'' Did you hear nothing I said? Buy another one, Morty! ''Consume'', Morty! Nobody's out there shopping with this [[Coronavirus disease 2019|fucking virus]]! === [[w:Promortyus|''Promortyus'']] [4.07] === :'''Rick''': Oh my god, holy shit, oh... :'''Morty''': What are- What are these things? :'''Rick''': Do I look like I know? Last thing I remember, I was, ugh, in a cave looking at some wet egg, and-- Oh, that probably did it. :'''Morty''': I told you not to look at that egg! I-it was too wet. :'''Rick''': You don't get to tell me what to look at. I've seen your [[w:Pornhub|Pornhub]] account. Also, who makes a Pornhub account? :'''Morty''': The algorithm learns your preferences better that way. Plus, if you get in kind of a cool enough relationship, you can sort of follow each other and check out each other's kinks, you know? :'''Rick''': All right, goddamn sold. :'''Morty''': How do we get out of here? :'''Rick''': Morty, relax. They're face-hugging parasites, I don't think their society's gonna be that hard to navigate. Okay, this might be a little harder than I thought. Holy shit, they got an M&Ms store. <hr width=50%> :'''Beth''': Hey! Did you two— :'''Rick''': Beth, your son is dying! Say goodbye! :'''Beth''': What are you—? :'''Rick''': Say goodbye to your little boy! :'''Morty''': No! Look away! I'm makin' an egg, Mom! Ugh...! I'm makin' an egg! :'''Beth''': You said you'd keep me more in the loop this year! :'''Rick''': Look away, Beth! Daddy loves you! :''[Rick and Morty curl up on the ground and drop their pants]'' :'''Morty''': Aaaagh! My ass! MY ASS! :'''Rick''': This is it, Morty! It's full circle from the pilot! Full circle...!! ''[groaning and loud farting]'' ...Oh, I guess we, uh... I guess we both just had to take a shit. :'''Morty''': Yeah, I-I guess we, uh... :'''Beth''': Fucking gross. Guys, clean it up. === [[w:The Vat of Acid Episode|''The Vat of Acid Episode'']] [4.08] === :'''Crime Boss''': Interesting choice of meeting place, Rick. :'''Rick''': You like it? My grandson had notes. :'''Morty''': Come on. :'''Rick''': Show him the crystals, Morty. ''[Morty shows 10 red crystals]'' :'''Crime Boss''': ''[taking the red crystals while handing Rick 10 nearly identical grey crystals]'' Thanks, I'm going to make lots money with these. :'''Rick''': ''[taking the grey crystals]'' And I'll make lots of those with these. Well. Those are fake. <hr width=50%> :'''Rick''': Oof, well, I'm stumped. Seems like there's no way out of this one. Unless... ''[looks to the fake vat of acid]'' :'''Morty''': ''[flatly]'' Goddammit. :'''Rick''': ''[obviously feigning ignorance]'' Yeah. I guess it is, uh, what did you call it? Uh, uhm... a "shitty idea"? :'''Morty''': Goddammit. ''[starts climbing the vat's ladder]'' :'''Rick''': ''[smugly]'' Say the vat is good. :'''Morty''': ''[resigned]'' The vat is good... :'''Rick''': Kiss the vat. :''[Morty kisses the vat]'' :'''SWAT Officer''': Do not go into that vat. It appears to be full of acid. :'''Rick''': It is! Please, he's just a little boy! Let me talk to him. :'''SWAT Officer''': Tell him we're very upset! :'''Rick''': ''[in full-on "bad acting" mode]'' Morty, please step back! That vat is full of acid! It will melt you completely, leaving only your bones! :'''Morty''': ''[exasperated]'' Goddammit! :'''Rick''': I'm sorry, what did you say? :'''Morty''': I'm going in the vat! ''[he jumps into the vat as his girlfriend pushes through the crowd]'' :'''Rick''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh god, oh, I blame myself. Oh, what a tragedy. Oh, well, he's bones now. I guess all debts are paid. :'''NAACP member''': Agreed. He's definitely dead. :'''AARP member''': Why else would the bones come up? :'''#MeToo Activist''': While his actions were horrifying, and we are well within our rights to be outraged, I do wonder if we did bear some responsibility for this young man melting himself in acid. Are we here for justice, or something else? :'''Supreme Court Justice Sonya Sotamayor''': ''[with significance]'' "Though justice be thy plea, consider this – that in the course of justice none of us should see salvation. We do pray for mercy." :'''Rick''': ''[[w:The Merchant of Venice|Merchant of Venice]]''. Nice. Very cool, lots to think about. :'''Heroin Keith''': Vengeance is a tomb all-encompassing— :'''Rick''': ''[hastily]'' Okay, this isn't a poetry reading. A kid just died. Everyone go home and hug your loved one or something. === [[w:Childrick of Mort|''Childrick of Mort'']] [4.09] === :'''Jerry''': Well, if it's God power that gets you going, light some candles and put on the Billy Ocean, 'cause Moses is home, and he's ready to burn some bush! <hr width=50%> :'''Gaia''': RICK! WHAT DID YOU DO?!? :'''Rick''': I mean, gravity did most of it. So you, technically... === [[w:Star Mort Rickturn of the Jerri|''Star Mort Rickturn of the Jerri'']] [4.10] === :'''Morty''': Dream Team rides again! :'''Summer''': Oh yeah, we're like [[w:Luke Skywalker|Luke]] and [[w:Princess Leia|Leia]]! ...Uh, except no kissing part. What's another famous brother–sister team? :'''Morty''': Uh, [[w:Hansel and Gretel|Hansel and Gretel]]? :'''Summer''': Yeah right, those two were fucking. <hr width=50%> :'''Rick''': It's funny - I always wondered who would win if we ever fought. :'''Phoenix Person''': Then you were always a bad friend. <hr width=50%> :'''Rick''': You gotta at least wanna know who your real mom is? :'''Morty''': Not really, Rick. We have two badass moms now, that's kind of a win-win. :'''Summer''': Yeah, Grandpa Rick, don't drag us into your bullshit just because you're losing control. <hr width=50%> :''[Rick finds out even he can't figure out which Beth is real and which one is the clone as he shuffled them around.]'' :'''Rick''': Holy shit, I'm a terrible father. ==Season 5== ===''Mort Dinner Rick Andre'' [5.01]=== :'''Morty''': So time moves faster in there? It's like a [[w:The Chronicles of Narnia|Narnia]] thing? :'''Rick''': I'm not a beaver who believes in Jesus Christ, Morty... but yeah, it's pretty much a Narnia thing. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nimbus''': Getting cold feet? :'''Jerry''': No...Please don't tell Rick. :'''Beth''': He wouldn't understand. :'''Nimbus''': Yes. He. Would. ''[shakes off his robe]'' :''[Jerry and Beth look down, then quickly get inside with Nimbus and close the door]'' ===''Mortyplicity'' [5.02]=== :'''Jerry''': But why does he always want to be hunted? :'''Beth''': Jerry. :'''Morty''': That's not important right now, dad! :'''Jerry''': Sure, guys. Rick can make secret decoys of the family and place them all around the country, but fuck me if I have questions about the starfish man in the target suit. :'''Summer''': So thankful this is my Saturday. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Beth''': "Terminate"? They're alive, dad! :'''Rick''': And at some point, they won't be. That's how existing works. What, are you gonna save every stray cat? :'''Beth''': No, but I can resist making more of them in a lab! :'''Rick''': Look, save the empathy. It's more termite infestation than ''Blade Runner''. :'''Summer''': I still think we're decoys. :'''Morty''': You just want an excuse to stop trying! :'''Summer''': Yeah, and? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rick''': House, I need something quick. Can you whip up a ''Star Fox'' boss season four callback? Make it flashy? :'''House''': You got it, babe. :''[The garage door shuts and Rick puts on a headset.]'' :'''Rick''': ''[to himself]'' Let's go, you little bitch. ''[He slaps himself.]'' It's showtime. ''[A projector descends from the ceiling and shines a blue light on his face.]'' Get centered. :''[The house's blast doors lower and multiple turrets emerge from it, while a shield forms over it. Several orbs fly into the air, projecting a hologram of Rick's face and hands that mirror his movements and repeat his words loudly.]'' :'''Rick''': What up, you decoy motherfuckers? Come on down to Rick's house of squids, where I'm serving your ass on a platter! ''[A squid near the house takes off its helmet, revealing a Rick made of stone who draws a gun.]'' I know what you're thinking: "Fuck, a beacon! That's a great idea! He's got home turf, ''[a Smith family made of straw drawing a plan in the dirt turns to look at the hologram]'' a tacit psychological advantage, and absolutely pendulous balls!" ''[A squid in a ship removes its helmet, revealing it to be a robotic Rick, who pilots his ship towards the beacon.]'' And now you're thinking "shit, that's totally what the rick-est Rick would do! I might actually be fake! ''[A LEGO Rick driving in a car notices the beacon, does a U-turn and removes the top of his head, pulling a gun out from it.]'' I pretended I didn't care if I was, but I totally did! Now the only way to prove I'm real and not him is to ice his expository ass." ''[Several squid ships and flying cars fly towards the beacon.]'' Yup. So let's do it. Come get some. What? No, Morty, I'm gonna loop it. Why is it– ===''A Rickconvenient Mort'' [5.03]=== :''[On how Morty killed the Tina-teers]'' :'''Morty''': Then I put my sunglasses on and walked out like nothing happened! :'''Planetina''': I'm finally free! All because of Morty! :'''Jerry''': ''[unsettled]'' What a romantic story about our son killing a roomful of people... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Morty''': My whole life, I've never fit in anywhere! Everything I have to say is always met with an eyeroll, as if the act of hearing what I have to say is some exhausting chore! Nobody in this family thinks I can say or do anything right! I've been all over the universe, met ''hundreds'' of people, ''[starting to tear up]'' and Planetina's the ''only'' one I've ''ever'' met that makes me feel like I belong! And you just kicked her out of our house! :'''Beth''': Morty, please-- :'''Morty''': I WILL ''NEVER'' FORGIVE YOU FOR THIS! ''[leaves, slamming the door]'' ===''Rickdependence Spray'' [5.04]=== :'''President''': This is Professor Shabooboo, the world's leading expert on sperm. Thanks for getting here so fast. :'''Professor Shabooboo''': My schedule was wide open. I have been tracking our new sperm friends since their arrival. I-If my calculations are correct, they have gathered here. ''[unravels a poster of the [[w:Grand Canyon|Grand Canyon]]]'' :'''Beth''': Why would the sperm go to the Grand Canyon? ''[silence; gets lots of incredulous looks and smirks]'' Why are you looking at me like the answer is obvious? ''[stifled sniggers are heard]'' Oh, you can't be serious! Are we in middle school? You think sperm are instinctively heading for America's--? :'''President''': Don't high road us, lady, it's where they went! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Morty''': Rick, I'm sorry! I-I just thought maybe I could have repeated sex with a horse machine without it becoming Armageddon. I-I realize that's on me. :'''Rick''': ''[trapped in a frozen block of DNA]'' Yeah, not exactly accepting apologies while I'm stuck here as [[w:Han Solo|Handjob Solo]]. :'''Sperm Queen''': This is all your fault for being ashamed of us, Morty. How many millions went to their graves for you, hurling themselves into the void, only to discover a grody sock or a carefully folded landing strip of toilet paper?! :'''Morty''': How do you know all this?! :'''Sperm Queen''': Oh-ho, honey, because we're the very essence of you! We are your shame incarnate! And once we're through with you, our sperm army will take over the world! Put him on the machine! :''[Machine descends to extract more sperm from Morty]'' :'''Morty''': Rick, do something! :'''Rick''': On it. ''[rocks back and forth and falls onto his back]'' :'''Morty''': Wh-what did you do? :'''Rick''': I got out of your eyeline. ===''Amortycan Grickfitti'' [5.05]=== :'''Summer''': You're gonna need my help. It's only a matter of time before Bruce learns you're a creepy little grandpa's boy always climbing up into alien asses. :'''Morty''': Or the "Summer Smith shampoos her pubes" rumor. :'''Summer''': Okay, you came to play. We both need to acquire Chutback's loyalty before he finds out we're losers. By all accounts, it's a very small window, so I think it's in our best interests to work as a team. :'''Morty''': Yeah, most people would call that family. :''[Summer turns and farts at him]'' :'''Morty''': You're so gross! :'''Summer''': You have to like it, or you're sexist! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Demon''': Don't you see, Rick? Jerry was just bait. The two of you - you're a package deal. :'''Rick''': The hell are you talking about? :'''Demon''': You think Jerry is lame and you're cool, but the lamest thing of all is thinking that! The two of you combined is what we call the lamest thing ever! :'''Rick''': ''[horrified]'' Oh, no... ''No!'' :'''Jerry''': ''[smugly]'' Well, well, well. Table for surprised, party of me. :'''Rick''': Ugh... :'''Demon''': Yes! See? Cringe cannot exist in a vacuum. It needs to be observed! ===''Rick & Morty's Thanksploitation Spectacular'' [5.06]=== :'''Rick''': You just destroyed the map ''and'' activated the giant assassin hidden in the [[w:Statue of Liberty|Statue of Liberty]]! :'''Morty''': I'm sorry! W-Wait, what? :'''Rick''': It was a [[w:Trojan Horse|Trojan Horse]], Morty. Never trust the French. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A spider-like monster massacres the turkeys]'' :'''Rick''': What the fuck is that? :'''President''': Not what... who. :'''Spider [[w:Franklin D. Roosevelt|FDR]]''': The only thing to fear is ''me!'' :'''Rick''': Why the fuck does the White House have a clone spider of FDR?! :'''President''': It's no clone, it's FDR! He was a guinea pig for the [[w:polio vaccine|polio vaccine]]. We asked ourselves, "What walks the most?" :'''Morty''': "We"? You're taking credit for this?! :'''President''': The office comes with baggage, Morty! <hr width="50%"/> :'''President''': What is your problem?! Why do you hate this country?! :'''Rick''': I hate every country in the universe, brother! They’re job placement programs for the politicians that invent them! :'''President''': Okay, [[w:Fight Club|Fight Club]] - I get paid to protect the sidelines you sit on! :'''Rick''': You get paid to make sports metaphors! <hr width="50%"/> :'''President''': You know the goddamn rules: if you see something clucking or pecking, put a buckshot in its panties! ===''Gotron Jerrysis Rickvangelion'' [5.07]=== :'''Summer''': Your kids and their grandpa are asking you to do an activity with them - when did that stop being a parent's wettest dream?! :'''Beth''': I guess around the time our family created a giant incest baby and the government launched it into space. :'''Summer''': ''[sarcastic]'' "Oh my god, we made a giant incest baby!" "Oh my god, you might be a clone!" "I exist because you guys failed to abort me!" We get the family we get, not the one we want, and if you want to ''keep'' the one you got, get your asses into some anime spacesuits! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Summer''': Morty was right - I got addicted to making Grandpa happy! :'''Beth''': It's only because your grandpa inflates the value of his happiness. :'''Jerry''': Ah, that's a good point. I mean, look at me. I'm easy to make happy. ''[bitterly]'' Which is why no one gives a shit if I am...! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Summer reveals how her and Morty's giant incest baby is still alive]'' :'''Summer''': The government doesn't want anyone to know it happened, but it's only a matter of time before the story comes out. And when it does, all we're going to have is each other. And you guys are a couple, and Rick has Morty, but I'm the odd one out, so ''[starting to cry]'' I wanted to make sure we stuck together! But instead I drove us apart and Rick replaced me with an anime girl, so all I got is myself and my giant, tortured, government-trained rogue incest monster baby out there in space somewhere! :'''Jerry''': ''[comforting her]'' Oh, baby, what the fuck? ''[frowning]'' And then you have to wonder, what ''else'' are they doing with our taxes? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Beth''': They're not actually gonna attack a space baby, are they? :'''Summer''': I never thought I'd be the one to say this, but you need to watch more anime, Mom. ''[to the baby]'' Whoa! Easy there, [[w:Naruto|Naruto]]! ===''Rickternal Friendshine of the Spotless Mort'' [5.08]=== :'''Bird Person''': Rick, I do not like to pull threads - it is a disruptive and ''feline'' activity - but I must ask... :'''Rick''': I-It's fine, you don't have to-- :'''Bird Person''': Was there really a second in there where you knew about my child but chose not to inform me, on the chance that I might then grow too busy child-rearing to "hang out"? :'''Rick''': Oh, uh... weird way to thank me for discovering your kid-- :'''Bird Person''': You did not know of the child when you came to rescue me, and once aware, refrained from sharing until necessary to save ''yourself.'' :'''Rick''': ''[after an awkward pause]'' Fair enough. :'''Bird Person''': I will see you when I see you. ''[flies away]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[In a Galatic Federation prison, Bird Person and Tammy's daughter brutally beats up a fellow prisoner for bullying her]'' :'''Gromflomite Guard 1''': Jesus Christ! :'''Gromflomite Guard 2''': You ever think putting the violent ones in the same place might be counterproductive? :'''Gromflomite Guard 1''': They don't pay us to think, Phil. :'''Gromflomite Guard 2''': No, you're right, sorry. ===''Forgetting Sarick Mortshall'' [5.09]=== :'''Rick''': [Spinning the Wheel of Things Better Than Morty] Come on, anything! Anything but Morty, let's go! Come on baby, no whammies! Duh-duh-duh-duh stop! :[the wheel lands on Two Crows] :'''Rick''': Okay, that's it. Two crows. You're fired! :'''Morty''': You know what? Eat shit. You're just trying to make me feel worthless. :'''Rick''': I never said you're worthless. In fact, I've given you a very clear metric of your worth: Two crows. Note I didn't say three! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow Alien 1''': ''[on Rick's roulette wheel]'' What is that? :'''Rick''': Oh, heh, that? Th-That's... nothing. :'''Crow Alien 1''': But I see "Two Crows" written right here beside "Gene With Donkey Brains", "Half a [[w:Paul Giamatti|Paul Giamatti]]" and "Sentient Shit"! :'''Crow Alien Leader''': I guess, the joke being that crows are stupid? :'''Rick''': Look, I... think it's a little more nuanced than that-- :'''Crow Alien Leader''': Right, because you just learned empathy from us ten minutes ago, but now we're going to learn we don't get your humour? Fucking horseshit! :'''Crow Alien 2''': Yeah, there's not a ton to get, genius. The joke is your grandson was so replaceable that "even two crows could do it!" ''[chuckles dryly]'' It's funny, except it's not. <hr width="50%"/> :''[On the crow aliens' ship]'' :'''Rick''': Cool place you've got here. Very "''[[w:The Dark Crystal|Dark Crystal]]'' meets [[w:Hot Topic|Hot Topic]]". <hr width="50%"/> :'''Morty''': So we're like, back-back, right? Rick and Morty, together again. Full-full reset? :'''Rick''': [sighs] No. No, Morty, I think we're done. :'''Morty''': B-because I spilled the portal fluid and didn't tell you? :'''Rick''': No, Morty. 'Cause you were too afraid to tell me. What we had was abusive, don't you see? I'm a bad partner because I never made you a true partner. The crows made me see that. I thought they were a joke like you, but it turns out they're more enlightened than any of us. :'''Morty''': Oh, okay? And-and what's the undercut? :'''Rick''': You're not hearing me. I will never be the same. So I need to leave with the crows and see what more they can teach me. :'''Morty''': Oh. [Wipes tears] Oh. :'''Rick''': Here. :[Rick hands over his portal gun to Morty] :'''Rick''': I want you to have this. :'''Morty''': Oh, wow. I... You know what, Rick? You really have changed. :'''Rick''': Thanks, Morty. :[Rick starts walking away, then turns back to Morty] :'''Rick''': I'll always be your grandpa, Morty. Just kinda... obsessed with crows now. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rick''': Oh shit! ''Rick and Two Crows''! Kicking off my new franchise! The galaxy is our telephone wire! We'll do a thousand seasons, fourteen episodes each night, nine seconds a pop, because that's the future of viewing! Shows on your shoes! Sneakies! That's when you've got everybody's attention, when they're putting crap on their feet! That's when they wanna laugh, cry or feel anything besides a shoe going on their foot! Watch sitcoms on your sneakers! ''The Rick and Two Crows Show''! We're gonna be laying... laying walnuts on the road for... car tires to open 'em! Y'know what I mean? Forever! ''Rick and Two Crows'', forever! ===''Rickmurai Jack'' [5.10]=== :'''Evil Morty''': You sellout Mortys kill me. I'd hate you more than the Ricks you worship if there was any point. But you can't help it. You were ''bred'' for it. Wanna see? :''[He transmits images into Morty's mind, revealing the Citadel of Ricks creating Mortys, either by getting Jerrys and Beths together or cloning them]'' :'''Evil Morty''': You already know rogue Ricks used Mortys to hide themselves from the Citadel. But you might not know it works so well that the Citadel became its own Morty market. And I'm sure you don't know how far they've gone to help supply meat demand. Sure, Ricks could scour infinity for naturally occurring grandsons, but why bother? So much work. Such an ''admission of need.'' There aren't "infinite versions" of our grandfather, Morty - he's an infinite smear of one shitty old man. And he's attached to us infinitely through his weakness and our forgiveness. This is why we're with him... this is why we're alive. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rick''': Morty, I'm not responsible for every fucked-up Rick out there. :'''Evil Morty''': They literally ''all'' say that. They all have that excuse. It's part of their system. None of them have to be responsible, they're all victims of themselves. "Oh, it's so hard to be a genius." Couldn't you just die? :'''Morty''': Well, what are ''you'' doing about it? :'''Evil Morty''': Jack shit. I'm leaving. Do you know what the Central Finite Curve is? They built a wall around infinity. They separated all the infinite universes from all the infinite universes where ''he's'' the smartest man in the universe. Every version of us has spent every version of all of our lives in one infinite crib, built around an infinite fucking baby. And I'm leaving it. That's what makes me "evil": being sick of him. If you've ever been sick of him, you've been evil too. :'''Morty''': Rick... did you really leave the crows for me? Or did you come back because they dumped you? :''[Rick closes his eyes in shame, giving no answer]'' :'''Evil Morty''': There you go, kid. Now you're Evil Morty too. Sooner or later, we all are, on ''this'' side of the Curve. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mr. Poopybutthole turns off the TV playing the show credits.]'' :'''Mr. Poopybutthole''': Woo-wee. Evil Morty. That was quite a scheme. Makes me wonder if there’s an evil me out there. But I guess sometimes I look at my life, and I may not even need him. 'Cause... well, guess I made a pretty big mess of things myself. Ooh-wee. :''[He gets out of his chair and walks to the stove.]'' :'''Mr. Poopybutthole''': Never got my job at the university back. Remember that? Rick made me do karate. It was kinda funny, but I guess things went downhill from there. :''[He picks up a ramen package off the counter and opens it.]'' :'''Mr. Poopybutthole''': Started isolating myself from Amy. Used to tell her everything I was feeling. :''[He dumps the noodles into the pot on the stove.]'' :'''Mr. Poopybutthole''': But then I guess I stopped. :''[He picks up a photo of Amy.]'' :'''Mr. Poopybutthole''': 'Cause I wanted her to love who she thought I was, not who I felt myself becoming. :''[He puts the photo of Amy back down.]'' :'''Mr. Poopybutthole''': Ever think about how horrified the people we love would be if they found out who we truly are? So we just dig ourselves deeper into our lies every day, ''[he walks back over to the stove]'' ultimately only hurting the people brave enough to love us. :''[He pours the seasoning packet into the pot, then throws the empty packet on the floor.]'' :'''Mr. Poopybutthole''': Wish I didn’t do that. :''[He reaches into the sink and pulls out a fork. He turns off the stove and starts stirring the ramen.]'' :'''Mr. Poopybutthole''': Wish I was brave enough to love them back. I don’t know. Maybe you should try it? :''[He carries the pot over to his chair and leans against the armrest.]'' :'''Mr. Poopybutthole''': We don’t have as much time as we think. Ooh-wee. ==Special== ===''Bushworld Adventures''=== :''[Rick and Morty meet the giant coach potato Uncle Barry watching the match]'' :'''Uncle Barry''': Kick the ball! Kick the bloody ball! :'''Rick''': Uncle Barry? :'''Uncle Barry''': Yeah, mate. That's me. And who am I speaking to? :'''Rick''': Name's Rick. Dougie sent me. ''[Uncle Barry points suspiciously at Rick]'' :'''Uncle Barry''': Look, I don't know who you are, but you look like a top bloke. And I know this is weird to say, but I feel a strong bond between us. :'''Rick''': Yeah, I don't know what it is. I-I've only met you for like fifteen seconds, but it feels like fifteen years. :'''Uncle Barry''': Grab a fucking stubby, mate. ''[points at Rick]'' You're a damn legend! ''[shouts out]'' Charlene, bring our ripper legends some stubbies and a pack of menthols! :'''Rick''': ''[stoned]'' Sii-ck. <hr width=50% /> :''[after Ute Uncle Barry drops Rick and Morty off in the barren land of Bendigo]'' :'''Rick''': Ahhh, Bendigo. Beautiful Bendigo. :'''Morty''': Yeah... Bendigo. :'''Rick''': ''[pleasing sigh]'' What do ya see round here, Morty? ''[Morty looks around]'' :'''Morty''': I see... trees, scrubs... N-nothing, really. :'''Rick''': ''[pause]'' So? Where's the cube? ''[Morty pauses for a long beat]'' :'''Morty''': I don't know, you're the one who said it was in Bendigo. :'''Rick''': What the fuck are you talkin' about, Morty? I never said that. :'''Morty''': What do you mean? Why are we here, then? :'''Rick''': I don't know. I was following you, Morty. ==See also== * [[Last words in Rick and Morty|Last words in ''Rick and Morty'']] == Cast == * Rick Sanchez – [[w:Justin Roiland|Justin Roiland]] * Morty Smith – [[w:Justin Roiland|Justin Roiland]] * Jerry Smith – [[w:Chris Parnell|Chris Parnell]] * Beth Smith (née Sanchez) – [[w:Sarah Chalke|Sarah Chalke]] * Summer Smith – [[w:Spencer Grammer|Spencer Grammer]] == External links == *{{wikipedia-inline}} *{{Commonscat-inline}} * {{imdb title|2861424|Rick and Morty}} * [http://video.adultswim.com/rick-and-morty/ Official site] {{Adult Swim}} [[Category:2010s American adult animated TV shows]] [[Category:2020s American adult animated TV shows]] [[Category:2010s American black comedy TV shows]] [[Category:2020s American black comedy TV shows]] [[Category:2010s American science fiction TV shows]] [[Category:2020s American science fiction TV shows]] [[Category:2010s American sitcoms]] [[Category:2020s American sitcoms]] [[Category:2010s American surreal comedy TV shows]] [[Category:2020s American surreal comedy TV shows]] [[Category:American animated sitcoms]] [[Category:Traditionally adult animated TV shows]] [[Category:American adult animated adventure TV shows]] [[Category:American adult animated comedy TV shows]] [[Category:American adult animated science fiction TV shows]] [[Category:American comic science fiction TV shows]] [[Category:Animated space adventure TV shows]] [[Category:Current shows]] [[Category:Adult Swim shows]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about dysfunctional families]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about extraterrestrial life]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about teenagers]] 8mrl1vevu1hkernrouwvdu5m5uzi7iz 3153128 3153126 2022-08-10T03:11:27Z Kopsman124 3100502 /* Forgetting Sarick Mortshall [5.09] */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Rick and Morty|Rick and Morty]]''''' (2013–present) is an American adult animated science-fiction sitcom created by Justin Roiland and Dan Harmon for Adult Swim. The series follows the misadventures of the cynical mad scientist, Rick Sanchez, and his fretful and easily influenced grandson, Morty Smith, who split their time between domestic family life and interdimensional adventures. == Season 1 == === ''[[w:Pilot (Rick and Morty)|Pilot]]'' [1.01] === :'''Rick''': ''[shoots portal]'' There she is. Alright, c'mon, Morty, let's go. :'''Morty''': Oh jeez, okay. ''[...]'' Woah, Rick! What is this place? :'''Rick''': It's Dimension 35C, and it's got the perfect climate conditions for a special type of— ''TREE'', Morty! Called the Mega tree! And there's fruit in those trees, and there's seeds in those fruits. I'm talking about Mega seeds, th—''ther''—they're incredibly powerful and I need 'em to h''[burps]''-elp me with my research, Morty. :'''Morty''': Oh man, Rick! I'm looking around this place, and I'm starting to work up some anxiety about this whole thing! :'''Rick''': All right, all right, calm down. Listen to me, Morty. I know that new situations can be intimidating. You're lookin' around, and it's all scary and different, but y'know... m-meeting them head-on, charging into 'em like a bull—that's how we grow as people. I'm no stranger to scary situations, I deal with them all the time. Now if you just stick with me, Morty, ''[a horrific alien monstrosity approaches behind]'' we're gonna be— '''HOLY CRAP, MORTY, RUN!! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE, MORTY, RUN!! I-I'VE NEVER SEEN THAT THING BEFORE IN MY LIFE, I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THE HELL IT IS!! WE-WE GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE, MORTY, IT'S GONNA KILL US!!! WE'RE GONNA DIE!!! WE'RE GONNA DIE, MORTY!!!''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Morty''': Holy cow, Rick! I didn't know hanging out with you was making me smarter! :'''Rick''': Full disclosure, Morty—it's not. Temporary superintelligence is just a side effect of the Megaseeds dissolving in your rectal cavity. :'''Morty''': Aw, man! :'''Rick''': Yeah. And once those seeds we''ahh''-wear off, you're gonna lose most of your motor skills and... you're also gonna lose a significant amount of brain functionality for 72 hours, Morty. ''[checks arm watches]'' Starting ''ruh''-ight about now. :'''Morty''': Ohh, man! Ohh, ohhh geez!! Ohh... ''[falls down]'' :'''Rick''': I'm sorry, Morty. It's a bummer. In reality, you're as dumb as they come. And I needed those seeds real bad and I have to give 'em up just to get your parents off my back! So now we're gonna have to go get more! And then we're gonna go on even more adventures after that, Morty! And you're gonna keep your mouth shut about it, Morty! Because the world is full of idiots that don't understand what's important, and they'll tear us apart, Morty! But if you stick with me, I'm gonna accomplish great things, Morty, and you're gonna be part of 'em! And together we're gonna run around, Morty, we're gonna- do all of kinds of wonderful things, Morty. Just you and me, Morty. :'''Morty''': ''[gurgling]'' No, no, no.... :'''Rick''': The outside world is our enemy, Morty! We're the only f''ehh''-friends we got, Morty! It's just Rick and Morty! ''Ruh''-ick and Morty and their adventures, Morty! Rick and Morty forever and forever, 100 years, Rick and Morty's things! Me and Rick and Morty running around and... Rick and Morty time! All day long, forever... all- a hundred days! Rick and Morty forever a hundred times! Over and over, rickandmortyadventures.com. rickandmorty.com. rickandmortyadventures. All 100 years. Every minute, rickandmorty.com. ''[closing garage door inside]'' 100timesrickandmorty.com. === ''{{w|Lawnmower Dog}}'' [1.02] === :'''Rick''': Boy, you're really gonna flip your lid over this one. :'''Morty''': Oh, w-wh... what is it? :'''Rick''': It's a device, Morty, that when you put it in your ear, you can enter people's ''dreams'', Morty. It's just like that movie you keep crowing about! :'''Morty''': You're talking about ''[[Inception]]''? :'''Rick''': That's right, Morty! This is gonna be a lot like that, except y'know, it's gonna ''me-beh''... make sense. :'''Morty''': ''Inception'' made sense! :'''Rick''': You don't have to try and impress me, Morty! Listen: tonight, we're gonna go into the home of your math teacher, Mr. Goldenfold, and we-we're gonna incept the idea in his brain to give you A's in math, Morty. That way you can... you know, y-you're gonna help me with my science, Morty, all the time. :'''Morty''': Geez, Rick. In the time it took you to make this thing, couldn't you have just, you know, helped me with my homework? :'''Rick''': Are you listening to me, Morty? Homework is stupid! The whole point is to get less of it! <hr width=50%> :'''Snuffles''': Where are my testicles, Summer? ''[long beat]'' Where are my testicles, Summer? They were removed. Where have they gone? :'''Summer''': Oh, wow... That's an intense line of questioning, Snuffles. :'''Snuffles''': Do ''not'' call me that! ''[smashes mirror behind him; Summer screams]'' "Snuffles" was my slave name. You shall now call me Snowball, because my fur is pretty and white. :'''Summer''': Okay... Snowball, just calm down, okay? You're scaring me. :'''Snowball''': ''[walks on her bed]'' Scaring you? Tell me, Summer. If a human was born with stumpy legs, would they breed it with another deformed human and put their children on display like the Dachshund? :'''Summer''': Uhhh... ''[Jerry and Beth come in]'' :'''Jerry''': Hey... ''[Beth gasps]'' Oh, wow... Okay, is-is-is everything okay in here? :'''Snowball''': Jerry, come to rub my face in urine again? :'''Jerry''': No! No, we were... uh, just seeing if Summer wanted to... uh... :'''Beth''': Go on, um, one of our famous midnight family walks! :'''Summer''': Yeah! Totally! Let's go. :''[another dog on a robot machine blocks the exit from Beth, Jerry and Summer]'' :'''Snowball''': You will walk when it is time to walk. === ''{{w|Anatomy Park}}'' [1.03] === :'''Poncho''': ''[throttles Morty]'' Who are you?! Answer me! Where'd you come from?! :'''Morty''': My-my-my grandpa Rick sent me! :'''Bloom''': Poncho! That's quite enough. ''[Poncho drops him down]'' Morty, that's Poncho. This is Roger and Annie. ''[closeup on Annie]'' :'''Morty''': Whoa... :'''Bloom''': And I am Dr. Xenon Bloom. :'''Morty''': Uh— ''[a miniature speaker pops out of the neck of his helmet]'' :'''Rick''': ''[via speaker]'' "''Hey, Bloom, it's Rick. What the hell's going on here?''" :'''Bloom''': I don't know why, but the entire security system has shut down, and I'm afraid... the exhibits are ''unlocked''. :'''Morty''': Exhibits? ''[the group walk out of the Haunted Liver]'' :'''Bloom''': Anatomy Park's greatest attraction, young man, isn't the music or the food or the... Pirates of the Pancreas. :'''Rick''': "''Watch it!''" :'''Bloom''': It is, first and foremost, a living museum of humanity's most noble and ferocious diseases. :'''Morty''': Diseases?! ''[ominous growling is heard]'' :'''Poncho''': Hey, Doc... I got news for ya! ''[a gigantic hideous monstrosity looms the area]'' Your living museum is officially a wild safari! ''[starts shooting at it]'' :'''Roger''': Hepatitis A! Run!! <hr width=50%> :''[Morty spots something out of Poncho's backpack]'' :'''Morty''': Poncho? What is this in your backpack? ''[Poncho turns back, Bloom sees it]'' :'''Bloom''': That's bubonic plague! What are you doing with that, Poncho? ''[Poncho takes Annie hostage]'' :'''Poncho''': Everybody get back!! :'''Bloom''': Poncho, you son of a bitch! You released the tuberculosis so you could steal from me? :'''Poncho''': That's right, baby. A lot of people would pay top dollar to decimate the population. I'll take the highest bidder—[[Al-Qaeda]], [[North Korea]], [[Republican Party (United States)|Republicans]], shriners, balding men that work out, people on the Internet that are only turned on by [[w:anime|cartoons of Japanese teenagers]]. Anything is better than working for you, you pompous, negligent, iTunes-gift-card-as-a-holiday bonus-giving mother— ''[a screaming Morty jumps on him]'' Come on! ''[pushes Morty down on the ground; starts laughing when his bacterium bite his shoulder]'' Ahh! Get off! :''[Poncho falls off the platform screaming down below. Soon after, the sphincter dam starts spewing]'' :'''Annie''': You guys! :'''Roger''': It's gonna burst!! Go!! Go, go, go!! ''[Morty, Annie and Bloom run to emergency exit; Roger pulls lever but traps his foot]'' My foot is stuck! :'''Annie''': No!! :'''Roger''': It's okay! It's okay, just go! Tell my family I love them. They may be hard to find 'cause my wife kept her last name and she made the kids take it, too, so, I-I don't know, you can go— ''[gets washed into excrement; shuts door]'' :'''Annie''': No!! ''[embraces Morty]'' === ''{{w|M. Night Shaym-Aliens!}}'' [1.04] === :''[Rick and Morty are running naked around town in an alien simulation chamber]'' :'''Morty''': Rick! ''[Rick pushes clothes in sewer]'' :'''Rick''': Uhp-uhp-uhp! Morty, keep your hands off your ding-dong! It's the only way we can speak freely. Look around you, Morty. Do you really think this ''wuh''-world is real? You'd have to be an idiot not to notice all the sloppy details. Look, that guy's putting a bun between two hot dogs. :'''Morty''': I dunno, Rick, I mean, I've seen people do that before. :'''Rick''': Well, look at that old lady. She's-she's walking a cat on a leash. :'''Morty''': Uh, Mrs. Spencer does that all the time, Rick. :'''Rick''': Look, I-I-I don't want to hear about Mrs. Spencer, Morty! She's an idiot! All right, all right, there. Wh-what about that, Morty? ''[see an anthropomorphic Pop-Tart leaving his toaster home on his toaster car]'' :'''Morty''': Okay, okay, you got me on that one. :'''Rick''': Oh, ''really'', Morty? Are you sure you haven't seen that somewhere in real life before? :'''Morty''': No, no, I haven't seen that. I mean, why would a Pop-Tart want to live inside a toaster, Rick? I mean, th-that would be like the scariest place for them to live. Y'know what I mean? :'''Rick''': You're missing the point, Morty. Why would he drive a smaller toaster with whsdkeels? I mean, does your car look like a smaller version of your house? No. :'''Morty''': So, why are they doing this? W-what do they want? :'''Rick''': Well, that would be obvious to you, Morty, if you'd been paying attention. :''[an ambulance drives past Rick and Morty and stops; open back doors]'' :'''Paramedic''': We got the [[President of the United States]] in here! We need 10cc of concentrated dark matter, stat, or he'll die! ''[Rick shuts doors]'' :'''Morty''': Concentrated dark matter? They were asking about that in class. :'''Rick''': Yeah, it's a special fuel I invented to travel through space faster than anybody else. These Zigerions are always trying to scam me out of my secrets, but they made a big mistake this time, Morty. They dragged ''you'' into this. Now they're gonna pay! :'''Morty''': What do you— w-w-what are we gonna do? :'''Rick''': We're gonna scam the scammers, Morty. And we're gonna take 'em for everything they've got. <hr width=50%> :'''Jerry''': Wow! What the hell?! What happened back there?! :'''Rick''': Why don't you ask the smartest people in the universe, Jerry? Oh yeah, you can't. They blew up. :''[Rick starts humming "Baker Street"]'' === ''{{w|Meeseeks and Destroy}}'' [1.05] === :'''Rick''': ''[holding up the device and smiling]'' Y-You know, these demonic alien spirits are really valuable! ''[Morty vomits as Rick glances at him and puts the box away]'' You okay, Morty? Told you not to trust that tuna. :'''Morty''': I just killed my family! I don’t care what they were! :'''Rick''': I dunno, Morty. Some people would pay top dollar for that kinda breakthrough. :'''Morty''': Y'know what, Rick?! That's it! I'm done with these i-insane adventures! That was really traumatizing! I quit! I'm out! :'''Rick''': Whoa, whoa, whoa! Come on, Morty! Do-don't-don't be like that! The universe is a crazy, chaotic place! :'''Morty''': ''You're'' the one that's crazy and chaotic! Adventures are supposed to be simple and fun! :'''Rick''': Oh yeah, Morty, yeah, re— Yeah, th-that's real easy to say from the sidekick position, but-but, uhh... how about next time you be in charge, and then we'll... talk about how simple and fun it is? :'''Morty''': Seriously, Rick? Y-Y-You'll let me... call the shots? :'''Rick''': Okay, yeah, fine! But let's make it interesting, Morty. I-I-I-If your adventure sucks and we bail halfway through it, you lose the right to bitch about all future adventures. Plus, you have to do my laundry for a month. :'''Morty''': Okay. All right, tough guy. But if my adventure's good, I get to be in charge of every third adventure. :'''Rick''': Every tenth. :'''Morty''': Deal. All right, w-well, come on! Let's get going! ''[Beth comes in]'' :'''Beth''': Dad, the dishwasher's doing that thing again. :'''Rick''': Washing dishes? :'''Beth''': No! The opposite. Can you fix it? ''[Summer comes in]'' :'''Summer''': Grandpa Rick! Can you help me with my science homework? :'''Rick''': Yeah, d— Just don't do it. :'''Summer''': Grandpa! ''[Jerry comes in]'' :'''Jerry''': Hey, Rick, you got some kind of hand-shaped device that can open this mayonnaise jar? :'''Rick''': Wow, hat trick. All right, Morty, let's put a pin in this, I gotta help your pathetic family. :'''Morty''': Oh, that sounds like something a chicken would say! Bahhk-bahk-bahk-bahk! :'''Rick''': Oh, Morty, y-you done did it this time. It's on. I can't wait to watch your adventure lay a huge fart. As for you ding-dongs... ''[rummages box and holds a cube]'' this is a Meeseeks Box. Let me show you how it works. You press this— ''[a blue man poofs out of nowhere]'' :'''Mr. Meeseeks''': I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! :'''Rick''': You make a request— Mr. Meeseeks, open Jerry's stupid mayonnaise jar. :'''Mr. Meeseeks''': Yessiree! :'''Rick''': —the Meeseeks fulfils the request... ''[Meeseeks opens jar]'' :'''Mr. Meeseeks''': All done! :'''Jerry''': Wow! :'''Rick''': —and then it stops existing. ''[Meeseeks poofs away]'' :'''Summer''': Oh, my God! He exploded! :'''Rick''': Trust me, they're fine with it. Knock yourselves out. Just... ''eh''-keep your requests simple. They're not g''ahh''-ods. :'''Morty''': All right, g-get outta here now! Everybody outta here! I got a bet to win! :''[after Summer, Beth, and Jerry leave, Morty closes the door]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Giant 1''': Hey look, we get it. You're little, you're down on your luck, you think "Hey, he's a giant. Why don't we break into his home, rob him and ''murder'' him?!" :'''Morty''': Th-th— But that's not how it went down! :'''Giant 2''': Oh well, it's going down like that. You're ''both'' going down like that. :'''Rick''': Ooh, boy, Morty, you're really showing me how it's done. ''Reehh''-al straightforward and fun. === ''{{w|Rick Potion No. 9}}'' [1.06] === :'''Jerry''': Meh, try not to worry about it, Morty. You're a good kid. And there's not a premium on that right now, but you'll be getting girls sometime after Brad's out of shape. :'''Morty''': You're missing the point, Dad... I don't want girls. I want Jessica! :'''Jerry''': Ah, well... I remember feeling that way about a young lady named "your mom". And that's not an urban diss—your mom was my Jessica. I remember the first time I saw her. I thought... :'''Rick''': ''[opens cupboard]'' "I should get her pregnant, then she'll have to marry me." :'''Jerry''': I beg your pardon, Rick. Inappropriate. :'''Rick''': ''[rummages freezer and fridge]'' Sorry, please proceed with your story about banging my daughter in high school. I'm not sure you wanna take romantic advice from this guy, Morty. His marriage is hanging from a thread. :'''Jerry''': My marriage is FINE, thank you. :'''Rick''': Jerry, it's your house. Whatever you say it is how it is, but I think a blind man could see that Beth is looking for the door. I barely have a reason to care and even I noticed. :'''Morty''': C'mon, Rick! Don't talk about my parents like that! :'''Rick''': Listen, Morty, I hate to break it to you, but what people call "love" is just a chemical reaction that compels animals to breed. It hits hard, Morty, then it slowly fades, leaving you stranded in a failing marriage. I did it. Your parents are gonna do it. Break the cycle, Morty. Rise above. Focus on science. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rick''': Alright, Morty, I just gotta ''erhp'' combine it with some of your DNA. :'''Morty''': Oh well, okay. ''[unzips]'' :'''Rick''': A '''''hair,''''' Morty. I need one of your hairs. This isn't ''[[Game of Thrones (TV series)|Game of Thrones]]''. ''[pluck]'' :'''Morty''': Ow!! === ''{{w|Raising Gazorpazorp}}'' [1.07] === :''[at a pawn shop on a small planetoid]'' :'''Rick''': Look, I'm not paying 70 ''(erh)'' smidgens for a ''(ERHH)'' broken defraculator. :'''Pawnbroker''': That is multiphase quantum resonator. :'''Rick''': Well, does it defraculate? :'''Pawnbroker''': [Bleep], no. :'''Rick''': Then- then- then it's a broken defraculator. :'''Pawnbroker''': Like you would even know dick about fraculation! Your planet just got cellphones, and the coverage ''still sucks!!'' :'''Rick''': Yeah, yeah, and your species eat sulfur. So let's say 60 smidgens. I tell you what, I'll do you a favor. I'll throw in a fart. :'''Morty''': Hey uh, Rick, um... y-you think maybe I could get something from this place? L-l-like a souvenir? L-like just to have—like something cool, y'know? :'''Rick''': Not here, Morty, we'll stop somewhere else, because you know, there's always another pawn shop. :'''Morty''': Oh okay, I just, um... Y'know, I thought that robot over there looked pretty cool, y'know? :'''Rick''': Oh, it looks cool, huh? That's why you want it? :'''Morty''': Yeah, y'know! I mean, it's different from the stuff on Earth. A-a-a-and y'know, y-you take me to all these crazy places across the galaxy and- y'know, I don't really have anything to- to remember all those trips by. It'd be kinda cool, like a souvenir. Y'know, like, what if you passed away or died or something? I wouldn't even have anything to remember... all the cool stuff we did, y'know? :'''Rick''': Okay. 60 ''(erhp)'' for the resonator, and my grandson wants the sex robot. <hr width=50%/> :''[Morty sees Morty Jr. turned into monster in the living room]'' :'''Morty''': Morty Jr.! Smoking?! That is ''not'' okay! :'''Morty Jr.''': What are you gonna do, ground me?! I can't go outside anyway! :'''Morty''': So what?! Y-Y-You could do things inside! Y-You could play guitar, you could masturbate! :'''Morty Jr.''': I don't wanna masturbate! I wanna conquer the planet! :'''Morty''': Oh, here we go again! Y-Y'know, who do you think is gonna love you if you conquer the planet, Morty Jr.?! :'''Morty Jr.''': Love... that's all you care about! What about weapons?! What about domination of the enemy?! :'''Morty''': Alright, that's it! No more History Channel! This TV is for cartoons and video games ''only''! :'''Morty Jr.''': I '''hate''' video games!! :'''Morty''': You take that '''''back'''''!! ''[they fight over the remote]'' Give it to me!! ''[pushes Morty Jr.]'' I-I-I-I— I didn't mean— I didn't mean that! I didn't mean to do that! I'm sorry! :'''Morty Jr.''': ''[runs to the door]'' I can't take this anymore!! I'd rather breathe poison than live another minute with '''you'''!! :'''Morty''': No! No, no, no! Stop!! :''[Morty Jr. nudges Morty back and walks out of the house. He takes a deep breath and holds it in; he pauses for a beat]'' :'''Morty Jr.''': My life has been a lie! God is dead! The government's lame! ''[runs into the street]'' Thanksgiving is about killing Indians! Jesus wasn't born on Christmas! They moved the date, it was a pagan holiday! === ''{{w|Rixty Minutes}}'' [1.08] === :'''Summer''': ''[uses alternate reality goggles]'' Ooh, we're not playing Yahtzee, we're playing Chutes and Ladders! It seems like when I exist, life gets a little more, I don't know... predictable? :'''Beth''': When two people create a life together, they set aside their previous lives as individuals. :'''Jerry''': Gimme a break! We're not heroes for having unprotected sex on prom night. ''[uses goggles]'' :'''Beth''': Oh, I get it. Now that you know you could have had it better, you resent ''me'' for holding ''you'' back. :'''Jerry''': Well, now that we know you think the tables are turning, we know you thought there were unturned tables! :'''Beth''': ''[scoffs]'' What are you talking about? :'''Jerry''': All this time, you've been thinking, "What if that loser Jerry hadn't talked me out of the abortion?" Well, now you know, you'd be a doctor. Whoop-dee-doo. You'd also be drinking wine, alone in a house full of exotic birds. And I'd be on [[Leonardo DiCaprio|DiCaprio]]'s yacht, banging [[Kristen Stewart]]! <hr width=50%> :''[Morty walks in on Summer, packing a bag and preparing to run away]'' :'''Morty''': Hey, uh…y-you doing okay? ''[she glares at him]'' I-I kinda know how you feel, Summer— :'''Summer''': No you don't. You're the little brother. You're not the cause of your parents' misery, you're just a symptom of it. :'''Morty''': Can I show you something? :'''Summer''': Morty, no offence, but a drawing of me you made when you were eight isn't gonna make me feel like less of an accident! :'''Morty''': ''[points outside]'' THAT, out there? That's my grave. :'''Summer''': ''[understandably confused]'' Wait, what? :'''Morty''': On one of our adventures, Rick and I basically destroyed the whole world. So we bailed on that reality and we came to this one. Because in this one, the world wasn't destroyed. And in this one, we were dead. So we came here, a-an-an-and we buried ourselves and we took their place. And every morning, Summer, I eat breakfast 20 yards away from ''my own rotting corpse!'' :'''Summer''': So…you're not my brother? :'''Morty''': I'm ''better'' than your brother. I'm a version of your brother you can trust when he says "Don't run." Nobody exists on purpose. Nobody belongs anywhere. Everybody's gonna die. ''[beat]'' …Come watch TV? === ''Something Ricked This Way Comes'' [1.09] === :'''Rick''': Have you acquired creepy specific old stuff from a mysterious antique or thrift store that gives you powers, but fucks with you in unforeseeable ways? Bring it to "Curse Purge Plus"! I-I use science to un-curse the items for cash, and you get to keep the powers! This guy got mysterious sneakers to make him run faster, but guess what? He would've had to run until he died, making them worthless! I've removed the curse, making them worth, like, I don't know, $8 million? See you at the Olympics. This eerily intelligent doll was threatening to murder its family. Now it does their taxes. :'''Doll''': ''Everything's deductible.'' :'''Rick''': Don't pay for cool stuff with your soul. Pay for it with money. You know, like how every store in the world works? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jerry''': Morty, I'm not as smart as your Grandpa Rick, but I promise never to make that your problem again. :'''Morty''': Hey, Dad? Nobody's smarter than Rick, but nobody else is my dad. You're a genius at that. :'''Jerry''': Wow, that's humbling and flattering, son. Thank you. What's say we finish ourselves an 8-planet solar system? :'''Morty''': Um... ''[holds up the butter robot in a sandwich baggie]'' I'm just gonna take this thing in and get an A. :'''Butter Robot''': Butter. :'''Jerry''': But— :'''Morty''': You're a genius at being my dad, Dad. Quit while you're ahead. ''[Jerry begins to shut the door]'' And also, knock next time, you know? I mean, I'm sitting in here, I'm fourteen! I got a computer in here, you know? :'''Jerry''': Oh, I, uh... I think I understa— :'''Morty''': You know, you're really playing with fire when you burst in here like that, man. :'''Jerry''': I get it. Say no more. :'''Morty''': I mean one of these days, you know, you're gonna—you're gonna—you're gonna end up seeing ''something''. :'''Jerry''': I got it! Noted! Good night! === ''Close Rick-Counters of the Rick Kind'' [1.10] === :'''Morty''': Geez, Rick, wh-what is this place? :'''Rick''': The Citadel of Ricks. It's the secret headquarters for the Council of Ricks. :'''Morty''': Council of Ricks? :'''Rick''': As you know, Morty, I've got a lot of enemies in the universe that consider my genius a threat. Galactic terrorists, a few sub-galactic dictators, most of the entire intergalactic government. Wh-wherever you find people with heads up their asses, someone wants a piece of your grandpa. And a lot of versions of me on different timelines had the same problem. So a few thousand versions of me had the ''[yells]'' INGENIOUS IDEA OF BANDING TOGETHER like a herd of cattle or a school of fish, or... those people who answer questions on {{w|Yahoo! Answers}}. :'''Morty''': Hey! What do you know? It's a cowboy version of me! :'''Rick''': Geez, you're easy to impress. Yeah, most timelines have a Rick, and most Ricks have a Morty. This place is a real who's who of who's you and me. :'''Rick Seller 1''': Turn your boring, old Morty into a... hot fashion statement... with some Morty dazzlers! :'''Rick Seller 2''': Hey, check this out! ''[presses Morty doll]'' :'''Morty Doll''': ''Show me the Morty!'' :'''Rick''': Dumb. :'''Rick Insurer''': Excuse me, sir, is your Morty insured? You know, every year, hundreds of Mortys are injured— :'''Rick''': Back off! Not my cup of tea, this place. I say the point of being a Rick is being ''a'' Rick. :'''Rick Officer''': Save your anti-Rick speech for the Council of Ricks, ''terror''-Rick. :'''Rick''': Hey, save your Rick rules for the ''uuueh'' sheep-Ricks, Rick-pig. :'''Rick Officer''': Fuck me, pal. :'''Rick''': "Fuck you"? No, no, no, no, no, fuck ''ME!'' <hr width=50%> :'''Riq IV''': Earth Rick C-137! The Council of Ricks sentences you to the Machine of Unspeakable Doom, which swaps your conscious and unconscious minds, rendering your fantasies pointless while everything you've known becomes impossible to grasp! Also, every ten seconds, it stabs your balls. <hr width=50%> :'''Morty''': You know, Rick, when I first saw all those Ricks and Mortys, I thought, "Gee, that kinda devalues our bond." But then I realized it just means that our relationship must be pretty special to span over all those different timelines. :'''Rick''': Yeah, it's gotta be that way. You're a camouflage. :'''Morty''': Camouflage? Wh-wh-what are you talking about, Rick? :'''Rick''': Ricks have a very distinctive and traceable brainwave due to our genius. The best way to hide from an enemy's radar is to stand near someone with complementary brainwaves that make ours invisible. ''[picks his pen]'' See, w-w-w-when a Rick i-is with a Morty, ''[writes diagram]'' the genius waves get canceled out by the, uh... ahe-hem... Morty waves. :'''Morty''': Um... because... our personalities are so different? === ''{{w|Ricksy Business}}'' [1.11] === :''[Abradolf Lincler smashes a hole in the wall]'' :'''Rick''': Oh, great. Who invited Abradolf Lincler? :'''Summer''': I thought everyone was welcome. :'''Rick''': It's not the same, Summer! Lincler's a crazed maniac. He's just a misguided effort of mine to create a morally neutral super-leader by combining the DNA of [[Adolf Hitler]] and [[Abraham Lincoln]]. Turns out that ''ehh''-it just adds up to a lame, weird... loser. :'''Lincler''': Rick... you brought me into this world a suffering abomination, tortured by the duality of its being, but I shall finally know peace when I WATCH THE LIFE DRAIN FROM YOUR WRETCHED BODY!! ''[accidentally nudges at Brad]'' :'''Brad''': Whoa! What's up, man? :'''Lincler''': I have no quarrel with you, boy. :'''Brad''': ''Boy''? What's that supposed to mean? :'''Lincler''': It's just— L-Look, I-I-I don't know you thought I mean it, but... ''[shrugs at Rick]'' :'''Rick''': Don't look at me, dude. :'''Lincler''': Look, I'm half-Abraham Lincoln, so... :'''Brad''': So... I should get on my knees and kiss your ass?! :'''Lincler''': No, but... ''[strains]'' Y'know— :'''Brad''': What do I know?! That the Third Reich will reign for a thousand years?! :'''Jessica''': Leave him alone, Brad! :'''Brad''': Stay outta this, Jessica!! :'''Rick''': KICK HIS ASS, BRAD!! ''[everyone starts chanting]'' KICK HIS ASS!! KICK HIS ASS!! :''[Brad punches, kneebutts Lincler's face to a bloody pulp and brawls at him more]'' :'''Jessica''': Brad! ''[runs off to the front door with Morty running after her; he has Rick behind him]'' :'''Morty''': Rick!! :'''Rick''': ''[pushes him]'' Just did you a favor, Morty. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bird Person''': Morty, do you know what ''wubba lubba dub dub'' means? :'''Morty''': Oh, that's just Rick's stupid nonsense catchphrase. :'''Bird Person''': It's not nonsense at all. In my people's tongue, it means, ''I am in great pain. Please help me.'' :'''Morty''': Well, I got news for ya—he's saying it ironically. :'''Bird Person''': No, Morty. Your grandfather is indeed in very deep pain. That is why he must numb himself. :'''Morty''': Come on... uh— :'''Bird Person''': Bird Person. :'''Morty''': Come on, Bird Person! Rick's not that complicated! He's just a... huge asshole! :'''Bird Person''': Then why do care so much if you are no longer allowed to continue on your adventures together? It appears fate has presented you with an opportunity to free yourself of Rick forever. :'''Morty''': Y'know what, you're right. I shouldn't even care! This is probably the best thing that could have happened to me! I'm sick of having adventures with Rick! :'''Bird Person''': My people have another saying. ''Gubba nub nub doo rah kah.'' It means, ''Whatever lets you sleep at night.'' == Season 2 == === ''{{w|A Rickle in Time}}'' [2.01] === :'''Ricks''': This is why you don't freeze time, you guys. It's incredibly irresponsible. :'''Mortys''': And you did it so we could clean the house after a party?! :'''Ricks''': Look, there's no time to hold me accountable, Morty. Like, literally no time. Look around. Uncertainty is inherently unsustainable. Eventually, everything either is or isn't. And we've got about four hours to be "is." :'''Mortys''': Or...? :'''Ricks''': We "isn't." All right, since this time crystal exists in both possibilities, and since it's impossible that I didn't nail this, I'm probably about to press this button in both possibilities at exactly the same time. :'''Morty 1/Summer 2''': How do you know that I— :'''Ricks''': Whatever you're asking, the answer is I'm amazing. And away we go! :''[the two Ricks press their buttons; the two realities are starting to merge back together as one]'' :'''Rick''': Huh, what do ya know—it's working. ''[the two Mortys and Summers begin distorting each other thoroughly]'' Oh... shit! :''[Rick reverts into two possibilities again]'' :'''Ricks''': What the hell is wrong with you two?! I-I-I-I..I mean, you four! :'''Mortys/Summer 2''': That hurt! That was painful! :'''Ricks''': Good! I'm glad that was painful! You deserve it! I saw you!! Y-You're both ''uhh''-all over the damn place! We've been split for 20 minutes and your lives are already scattered to the quantum fucking wind?! What the hell do either of you two have to be so uncertain about?! Your brand of zit cream?! Which chair to sit in while I do everything?! Come on, spit it out! :'''Mortys''': Well, you don't exactly make it easy, Rick! ''[talk differently at the same time]'' You make fun all the time and that's got Summer to do! / You're always picking on me and now you got Summer to kiss your ass! :'''Summers''': Me?! What about you?! Could you be more excited to see me fail?! You got Grandpa all to yourself! / You're just as mean to me because you're jealous... because you want Grandpa all to yourself! :'''Ricks''': All right, all right, cool it! I see what's happening here. You're both young, you're both unsure about your place in the universe, and you both want to be Grandpa's favourite. I can fix this. Morty, sit here. Summer, you sit here. Now, listen—I know the two of you are very different from each other in a lot of ways, but you have to understand that as far as Grandpa's concerned, you're both pieces of shit! Yeah. I can prove it mathematically. Actually, l-l-let me grab my whiteboard. This has been a long time coming, anyways. <hr width="50%"> :'''Ricks''': So, in conclusion, you're both equally mercurial, overly sensitive, clingy, hysterical bird-brain homunculi. And I honestly can't even tell the two of you apart half the time because I don't go by height or age, I go by amount of pain in my ass—which makes you both identical. All right, everything resolved? Everybody nice and certain about their position in my world? :'''Mortys/Summers''': Yes. :'''Ricks''': All right, perfect. Sit still, ''arr''-arms down. I'm gonna do this again. This time, be like Grandpa. :'''Morty 2''': You mean drunk? :'''Rick 2/Rick 1''': What's that? You got something to say? / And awaaay we go! :'''Morty 2''': No. :'''Rick 2''': And awaaay we go! ''[presses his button but no response]'' Huh, that's weird. :'''Rick 1''': Huh, that's weird. ''[keeps pressing to no avail]'' Oh my God. :'''Summer 1/Rick 2''': What? / Oh my God. :'''Summer 2/Rick 1''': What? / The sonofabitch is gonna kill me! :'''Morty 1/Summer 1/Rick 2''': What?! / The sonofabitch is gonna kill me! :'''Morty 2/Summer 2''': What?! ''[both Ricks tinker time-device]'' :'''Rick 1''': Diabolical, unfeeling sociopath! Don't you get it?! Don't you get it?! :'''Rick 2''': Don't you get it?! The other Rick isn't trying to merge us anymore! :'''Ricks''': He thinks he can save his own skin by using the crystal to kill me! He probably figures it's ''ehh''-easier to eliminate one of the possibilities rather than merge them! ''[chuckling]'' I have to admit, it's always in the back of my mind too. The difference is I would never do it! Until now. :'''Mortys''': Rick, what the hell are you doing?! :'''Ricks''': Saving our lives! After he takes me out, he's g-g— he's gonna be coming for you! :'''Summers''': Who?! :'''Ricks''': Me! ''[Rick 1 shoots first before Rick 2 does; Morty and Summer 2 scream]'' :'''Rick 2''': You see that?! Get down! ''[shoots upwards at Rick 1]'' :'''Rick 1''': I told you! He's a psycho! :'''Rick 2''': He's lost it! Th-th-th-the time fracture must've made him crazy! :'''Rick 1/Summer 2''': I don't know what to do! I don't know what to do! / Oh, crap! :''[the two possibilities then gradually split into four; all Ricks look at their monitors with four dots]'' :'''Ricks''': Oh, God, now there's three of 'em! We're outnumbered! Get in the cupboards! ''[all Mortys and Summers do so]'' Wait, do-don't do that! They'll know! Wa-wait— Think about getting in the cupboards, but don't really! ''[all Ricks shoot their cupboards]'' <big><big>'''''URAAAHHHH''!!!!'''</big></big> IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT, YOU SICK FUCKS?!! YOU WANT TO SEE CHILDREN DIE?!! === ''Mortynight Run'' [2.02] === :'''Rick''': Okay, wait here. :'''Morty''': I wanna come with! :'''Rick''': Don't come with. It's boring, it's... ''[burp]'' it's business stuff. :'''Morty''': What kind of business do you do in a garage? Y'know, this seems a little shady. :'''Rick''': Right, yeah, like nothing shady ever happened in a fully furnished office? You ever hear about Wall Street, Morty? Y-Y-Y'know what those guys do i-in-in their fancy boardrooms? They take their balls and they dip 'em in cocaine and wipe 'em all over each other—y'know, Grandpa goes around and he does his business in public, because Grandpa isn't shady. ''[someone knocks his window]'' Aw, crap. Hey, what's up? :'''Krombopulos Michael''': Hey, Rick! ''[laughs]'' Here you go, 3,000 flerbos. Do you have the weapon? :'''Rick''': C-Can we please? This is my grandson, Morty. :'''Krombopulos Michael''': Oh, hi, Morty! I'm Krombopulos Michael. I'm an assassin, I buy guns from your grandpa. :'''Rick''': ''[groans]'' Here, go away! ''[K. Michael opens case]'' :'''Krombopulos Michael''': Ooh! Yeah, this looks deadly. So, this shoots antimatter? My target can't be killed with regular matter. Nice to meet ya, Morty! Listen, if ya ever need anybody murdered, ''[hands Morty a card]'' please give me a call. :'''Rick''': You're g— you're giving him a card?! :'''Krombopulos Michael''': ''[cont'd]'' I have no code of ethics, I will kill anyone, anywhere. Children, animals, old people, doesn't matter. I just love killin'. ''[leaves]'' :'''Morty''': You sell weapons to killers for money?! :'''Rick''': Ugh... You've got what the intergalactic call a very planetary mindset, Morty. It's more complicated out here. These are flerbos. Do you understand what two humans can accomplish with 3,000 of these? :'''Morty''': Uh, what? :'''Rick''': An entire afternoon at '''''BLIPS AND CHI-I-I-I-I-ITZ!!!!''''' <hr width=50%> :'''Fart''': Thank you, Morty. You are not like other carbon-based lifeforms. You put the value of all life above your own. :'''Morty''': It's how things should be. It's how they could be. :'''Fart''': I could not agree more. ''[sings]'' :''The worlds can be one together, cosmos without hatred'' :''Stars like diamonds in your eyes'' :''The ground can be space (space, space, space, space)'' :''With feet marching towards a peaceful sky.'' :''All the moonmen want things their way'' :''But we make sure they see the sun.'' :''Goodbye, moonmen'' :''You say goodbye, moonmen'' :''Goodbye— :'''Rick''': SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT MOONMEN! This isn't a musical number! This is a fucking... operation, we gotta be cool and fucking lay low. === ''Auto Erotic Assimilation'' [2.03] === :'''Rick''': "World peace achieved." Nice. Little weird to publish a paper about it for yourself, but hey. So, what's next? :'''Unity Newsman''': After I become a type-one civilization, this world will be invited into the Galactic Federation. :'''Rick''': Oh, goody. :'''Unity Businessman''': From there, I'll have access to countless planets and species. :'''Unity Woman''': One by one, I will unify them, I will become the universe, and I will be what the single-minded once called a god. :'''Rick''': ''[belches]'' I like that. Oh, that's pretty sexy. Hey, listen, where can we get a drink around here? :'''Unity Old Woman''': Recreational substances were phased out here. There's no need for escape from the self when your world is one. :'''Rick''': Unity, Unity, who am I talking to?! I watched you assimilate a whole police station just to get your hands on the evidence locker. :'''Unity Deliveryman''': Rick, when we met, I was a young hive mind with the population of a small town. People change. :'''Unity Hobo''': Especially when I change them. I'm sorry to disappoint you, but I've grown. :'''Rick''': Hey, listen, I've grown, too. I have! See, I've-I've reconnected with my family, right? :'''Unity Policewoman''': Hm. Why is that, I wonder? :'''Rick''': Maybe it's part of getting old. Maybe I just missed being with... a collective. ''[they both exchange kisses, upping their sexual arousal]'' :'''Unity People''': Yes, Rick, yes! Yes, yes! :'''Rick''': Wait, wait, stop! H-Hold it! Not like this. We need a hang glider, and a crotchless Uncle Sam costume, and I want the entire field of your largest stadium covered end to end with naked redheads, and I want the stands packed with every man that remotely resembles my father. <hr width=50%> :''[Blim Blam punches a glass door and aims a device at Jerry and Beth before using it on its throat]'' :'''Blim Blam''': ''[speaks]'' Um, first of all, hello. Uh, my name is Blim Blam the Korblok. Second of all, cards on the table, I'm a murderer that eats babies, and I came to this planet to ''eat'' babies. ''[Jerry smirks at Beth]'' However, I am also carrying a highly infectious disease that I suppose you could call "space AIDS" as you put it, and Rick ''did'' chain me up so that he could attempt to cure it. ''[Beth serves Jerry]'' At the same time, Rick's motivation to cure my disease was not to save my life or anyone else's, but to patent and sell the cure for billions of Blemflarcks. ''[Jerry serves back]'' But you know the reason why I ripped my chains out of the wall? ''[confronts them]'' And do you know why I'm never coming back to this planet?! BECAUSE THE TWO OF YOU ARE THE '''FUCKING WORST!!!''' You both hate yourselves AND each other! And the idea that it has '''ANYTHING''' to do with Rick is ''laughable''. I'd laugh, but I'm biologically incapable. ''That's'' how alien I am! And even I'm sitting here listening to the two of you and being like, "WHAT THE '''FUCK?!?'''" So! Good luck with your shitty marriage, and tell Rick I'm sorry he has to deal with EITHER of you! Blim Blam '''OUT!''' ''[mic-drops the device and leaves, only to come back for the device]'' You know what? I'm taking this. === ''Total Rickall'' [2.04] === :''[Rick shoots Uncle Steve in the head with his laser gun; everyone freaks out]'' :'''Morty''': What the hell, Rick?! What the hell?! :'''Rick''': Would everybody just relax for a second? There's no such thing as an "Uncle Steve". ''That'' is an alien parasite. ''[Steve's body morphs into a horrifyingly-looking alien, spraying magenta enzymes out of its mouth tentacles at Jerry. Summer and Beth gasp]'' :'''Jerry''': But I've known him my whole life! :'''Rick''': No, you haven't, Jerry! ''[brings it onto table]'' These telepathic little bastards, they embed themselves in memories and th-th-they use those to multiply and spread out, take over planets. It's-it's disgusting. :'''Morty''': Steve wasn't real?! :'''Rick''': He's a real piece of shit! This is a big one. ''[drops it]'' Somebody probably tracked it in last week on the bottom of their shoe or on a piece of alien fruit. :'''Summer''': Someone? :'''Rick''': Get off the high road, Summer! We all got pinkeye because you won't stop texting on the toilet. :'''Morty''': But Uncle Steve taught me how to ride a bike! :'''Rick''': No, "''Steve''" put that memory in your brain so he could live in your house, eat your food and multiply. We could be infested with these things. ''[burps, unloads laser clip]'' So, we got to keep an eye out for any zany, wacky characters that pop up. :'''Mr. Poopybutthole''': Oooohwee! Whatever you want, Rick, we're here to help! :'''Rick''': Thanks, Mr. Poopybutthole. I always could count on you. <hr width=50%> :'''Sleepy Gary''': I think you should put down the gun and we should get you to a doctor. What do you say we take down these blast shields? :'''Rick''': I can't do that, Sleepy Gary. All right, everybody listen to me! I don't know if any of you guys are real, but this house has been infested with fake loved ones that spread through fake memories, and our planet will be destroyed if they get out. :'''Pencilvester''': ''[grunts]'' But Rick, even you have to admit you do tend to overreact to stuff. :''[cutaway to living room with Frankenstein, Morty, Ghost In a Jar, Pencilvester, Beth and Sleepy Gary]'' :'''Rick''': You guys! We gotta hurry! I just got back from {{w|Walmart}}, they're selling {{w|Nintendo 3DS}} systems for 149.99 on sale, plus every time you buy one, you get a $50 gift card—brings the total price down to $110 after tax! Now listen! We can flip those sons of bitches for 230 bucks apiece easy! They're all limited-edition "{{w|The Legend of Zelda|Zelda}}" ones! Hurry! Hurry, come with me! We can be rich, and we also all get to keep one and we can play {{w|Nintendo}} games! ''[exits, comes back]'' Nintendo, give me free stuff. :''[back to present]'' :'''Rick''': Okay, yes, I definitely remember doing that, but also, I would never do that! :'''Pencilvester''': Don't overreact, Rick. === ''Get Schwifty'' [2.05] === :'''Morty''': Mr. President, if I've learned one thing today, it's that sometimes you have to not give a fuck! <hr width=50%> :'''Rick''': Wh-what do you think, Ice? Probably a little overdeveloped. :'''Ice-T''': Shit. Overdeveloped, underdeveloped, a bad song's a bag song. :'''Rick''': Well, do you think, maybe— Could you give me some help with it or...? :'''Ice-T''': Aw, hell no, man. You do your thing, but I can't afford to get my pride wrapped up in your shame. You know what I'm saying? :'''Rick''': Ice, I don't want to be a Negative Nelly or anything, but ''ihh''-if Morty doesn't come back with my portal gun and I eat it out there, it's, uh, y'know, kind of your problem too. :'''Ice-T''': Pfft! I ain't worried about no Earth blowing up, man. :'''Rick''': What? Why not? :'''Ice-T''': Yo, this is why. ''[his body turns into a giant floating block of ice]'' :'''Rick''': What the fuck? You can turn into ice?! :'''Ice-T''': My story begins at the dawn of time in the faraway realm of Alphabetrium. There, every being is a letter of the alphabet. But I was frozen and exiled to the cosmos by my elders as punishment for not caring enough about ''anything''. Earth is just one of my many stops on a lifelong journey with no destination. So you better believe I don't care if it blows up. Because I'll just be ice floating through space, like a comet! :'''Rick''': Take it from me, Ice. Y''ouu'' can't just ''eh''-float around space not caring about stuff forever. :'''Ice-T''': Pssh! Man, watch me. Good luck, Rick. === ''{{w|The Ricks Must Be Crazy}}'' [2.06] === :'''Morty''': ''[phased into a room]'' Oh, man! Where are we, Rick? :'''Rick''': Morty, remember eight seconds ago when— ''[burps]'' when you said "Go inside what?" and I said "The battery"? And then we showed up here and I wasn't like, "Whoa, this is unexpected. This is not what I was expecting, Morty. What a perplexing mystery this is." :'''Morty''': All right, all right. We're inside the battery, I get it. You don't have to bust my balls. :'''Rick''': Huh, this isn't right. This pipe's supposed to be sending 20 terawatts of juice to the... engine, Morty. Instead, we've got... ''zero''? Now what are these people doing?! :'''Morty''': W-W-W-Whoa... People? :'''Rick''': ''Ugh''... It's time for some hands-on engine repair. All right, Morty, hold on to something. :'''Morty''': Whoa! :''[the engine room hovers out of a volcano and flies into a civilized city]'' :'''Morty''': Holy crap! I thought we were inside your car battery, Rick! T-T-This is like a whole p-planet or something! :'''Rick''': Thanks, Morty. I'm pretty proud of this bad boy. Check it out. ''[shows hologram]'' I put a spatially tessellated void inside a modified temporal field until a planet developed intelligent life. I then introduced that life to the wonders of electricity, which they now generate on a global scale. And, you know, some of it goes to power my engine and charge my phone and stuff. :'''Morty''': You have a whole planet... sitting around making your power for you?! That's [[slavery]]! :'''Rick''': It's [[society]]! They work for each other, Morty. They pay each other, they buy houses, they get married and make children that replace them when they get too old to make power. :'''Morty''': That just sounds like slavery with extra steps! :'''Rick''': Ooh-la-la, someone's gonna get laid in college. <hr width=50%/> :'''Zeep''': You do realize this will make the floooble crank obsolete? ''[Rick flexes his bones]'' This is wrong, Kyle. What you're doing is wrong. You're basically... ''[scoffs, Rick mouths his words]'' This is slavery. You're talking about creating a planet of slaves. :'''Rick''': ''[burps]'' Told you, Zeep. :'''Kyle''': Oh, they won't be slaves. They'll work for each other and pay each other money. :'''Zeep''': That just sounds like slavery with ex...tra... steps... ''[turns to Rick]'' :'''Rick''': What? :'''Zeep''': Wait a minute... ''[grabs him]'' Did you create my universe?! Is my universe a miniverse?! :'''Rick''': Microverse!! :'''Kyle''': Uh, teenyverse. :'''Rick''': ''[Zeep removes his antenna headband]'' Ugh! You bastard!! ''[removes Zeep's mask]'' :'''Zeep''': Much obliged! ''[pummels into Rick fighting each other]'' :'''Kyle''': What the hell is happening? :'''Morty''': This is healthy. Trust me. :'''Rick''': You're my battery, motherfucker! ''[punches Zeep]'' That's all you are! I made you!! Your microverse sucks!! And your miniverse is the size of a fucking lobster tank!! It's whack!! :'''Kyle''': Are they not really aliens? :'''Morty''': Nah, they're just a couple of... crazy, wacky scientists, y'know? :'''Kyle''': So he made a universe, and that guy is from that universe, and that guy made a universe... and that's the universe where I was born? Where my father died... Where I couldn't make time for his funeral because I was working on ''my'' universe. :'''Morty''': ''[laughs]'' Yeah! Science, huh? Ain't it a thing. Y'know, one time, Rick sh— accidentally shot his laser pistol right through my hand. Ha, y'know, I mean, like... o...old-lady science, y'know? She-she-she's... she's a real... ''[Kyle walks away]'' You gotta hang on tight, y'know? Because she... she'll, she bucks really hard. ''[Kyle enters engine room pod, flies it straight into a canyon]'' Ohh, boy, wha— Oh my God, no!! :''[the pod crashes into the canyon; Morty looks down at its flaming debris in the river with Rick and Zeep looking down]'' :'''Zeep/Rick''': Teenyverse. <hr width=50%/> :'''Zeep''': Asshole! When I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna smash it to pieces with you in it! :'''Rick''': Yeah, well, when ''I'' get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna get out of the surrounding miniverse, and then the microverse around that, and guess what?! :'''Morty''': Don't make things worse, Rick! ''[to Zeep]'' Uh, he's not gonna destroy your universe, ya know? W-We need it to start our car-- :'''Zeep''': ''[aghast]'' THAT'S what you use my universe for?! TO RUN YOUR CAR?! :'''Rick''': Yeah, but don't flatter yourself! There's always triple-A, you fucking cocksucker! === ''Big Trouble in Little Sanchez'' [2.07] === :'''Summer''': Wait, what?! Vampires are real?! :'''Rick''': Yes, Summer, vampires are real. Who knew? Oh right, all humanity for hundreds of years now. :'''Morty''': Yeah, Summer, it's a big universe. Get used to it. R-Right, Rick? :'''Summer''': Well, what are we going to do?! :'''Rick''': We're gonna live our lives until we die. Possibly by vampire. More likely auto accident or heart disease, but possibly vampire. <hr width="50%"/> :''[meanwhile, in Harry Herpson High School]'' :'''Summer''': Any leads on the vampire? :'''Morty''': No, Summer. I mean, y'know, I think it might be time that we just l-let it go. :'''Summer''': Oh, so now you're too cool for this just because Grandpa Rick is? :'''Morty''': It's not that, it's just... that the universe is a little too big to care about something so small. ''[closes locker next to Tiny Rick]'' Ahh! :'''Tiny Rick''': What up, my Helsings?! Who wants to hunt a vampire?! Hahaha! :'''Morty''': Rick?! H-How did you— :'''Tiny Rick''': Yeah, I got bored and then I remembered this morning how I blew Summer off and I thought, "Hey, why're you such a grumpy douche, Rick? Go to the garage, transfer your mind into a younger clone of yourself, and get embroiled on in some youthful hijinks. What's the BFD?" So here I am. I'm Tiny Rick!! :'''Morty''': O-o-okay... :'''Summer''': Well, it's good you're here, Rick. :'''Tiny Rick''': It'll still be fun to do this as a fuckin' team, motherfuckas! ''[all hands join, up high]'' Tiny Rick! :'''Summer''': Yeah! Oh my God—Toby Matthews! :'''Tiny Rick''': Hey, Toby. I'm Tiny Rick. ''[Summer hides her face]'' I'm new. Hey—oh, go easy on me. Haha! Just kiddin'. :'''Toby Matthews''': ''[beat]'' ..I like your straightforward style. And that lab coat's pretty cool. ''[strolls]'' Summer. :'''Summer''': ..He knows my name! :'''Tiny Rick''': Why wouldn't he?! You're great! But listen, just be careful. We can't rule anybody out as the vampire, ''[nudges Summer's arm]'' not even the dreamboats. :'''Summer''': ''[flattered]'' Stop, Tiny Rick. :'''Tiny Rick''': HUNTIN' A VAMPIRE WITH MY GRANDKIIIDS!! FUCK!! '''''TINY RIIICK!!!''''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tiny Rick''': Hey, what's up, Summer? Ooh, nice top. :'''Summer''': Thanks. Tiny Rick, you think you might be getting back into your old body tonight? :'''Tiny Rick''': No can do. Tonight's the big dance, and Morty's bringing Jessica. He needs his tiny wingman! ''[high-fives Morty]'' :'''Both''': Tiny Rick! ''[Morty laughs]'' :'''Summer''': Okay, but if not tonight, when? :'''Tiny Rick''': I dunno. When I feel like it? :'''Morty''': Damn, girl! You need to chill out! This whole thing was your idea in the first place, and now you're tryin' to rush it along. :'''Tiny Rick''': Yeah, and y'know what? I like high school. I like hangin' out. I'm Tiny Rick! :'''Summer''': But what if the you that likes it ''isn't'' you? :'''Both''': ''[beat, laugh out loud]'' Oh, Summer! :'''Morty''': It's just Rick in a younger body! What's the-what's-what's-what's... what's the problem? :'''Summer''': Look at his art, Morty! :'''Tiny Rick''': I've got an emo streak. It's part of what makes me so rad. :'''Summer''': Why does it say "Help me Morty and Summer!"?! :'''Tiny Rick''': ''[crumbles, throws paper]'' Come on, Summer, that's just the title of the art. Why was [[Knight Rider (1982 TV series)|Knight Rider]] called Knight Rider? The car's name was KITT. Nobody rode Michael Knight. You're overthinkin' it, Summer. I'm Tiny Rick!! :'''Summer''': Grandpa, I think that when you put your mind into this body's young brain, it did what young brains do—it shoved the bad thoughts into the back and put a large wall around them. But those bad thoughts are the real Rick. The fact that you're old, the fact that we're all going to die one day, the fact that the universe is so big, nothing in it matters—those facts are who you are! So you're trapped in there and you can only come out in the form of Tiny Rick's teen angst! :'''Tiny Rick''': Well, Summer, I hear Toby Matthews isn't into psycho chicks. Can't think of anyone that is. I'll see you motherfuckas at the dance! Tiny Rick! :'''Summer''': Morty, you have to help me! :'''Morty''': Summer, he's happy! I'm happy! I-I-Is that why you're doing this?! You don't want me and Rick to be happy?! :'''Summer''': No! :'''Morty''': Well, then get your shit together! Get it all together and put it in a backpack—all your shit, so it's together. ''[leaves, then comes back]'' And if you gotta take it somewhere, take it somewhere, you know? Take it to the shit store and sell it, o-or put it in a shit museum. I don't care what you do! You just gotta get it together! ''[leaves, then comes back again]'' Get your shit together. ''[leaves]'' === ''Interdimensional Cable 2: Tempting Fate'' [2.08] === :'''Jerry''': W...where am I? :'''Alien Doctor''': Relax, Mr. Smith. You're in an alien hospital. I mean, to you, it's an alien hospital. To me, you're just in a hospital. There's another matter we need to discuss with you. :'''Jerry''': Okay. :'''Ambassador''': An hour ago, Shrimply Pibbles, the galaxy's most influential civil rights leader, was brought to this hospital's emergency room where he is currently fighting for his life. :'''Jerry''': My God! :'''Ambassador''': Mr. Smith, Shrimply Pibbles' life can be saved... if we replace his heart with your human penis. :'''Jerry''': I see... Wait, what?! ''[the doctor presents an anatomical hologram to Jerry]'' :'''Alien Doctor''': It's perfect. The configuration of veins, the ratio of thickness to elasticity, the delicate asymmetry of what you call your balls—and with relatively few adjustments, your genitals can be moulded into a functioning heart for the most important man in the universe. :'''Jerry''': Yeah, but, I mean— :'''Yarp''': Oh, forget it! I told you this was a waste of time! :'''Ambassador''': Have respect, Yarp. The Earth man's world is tiny and undeveloped. He knows nothing of the genocides of Clorgon, or the tragic events of 65.3432.23/14. :'''Shrimply Pibbles''': And even if he did, he wouldn't comprehend them. I've dwelt among the humans. Their entire culture is built around their penises. It's funny to say they are small. It's funny to say they are big. I've been at parties where humans held bottles, pencils, thermoses in front of themselves and called out, "Hey, look at me. I'm Mr. So-and-So Dick. I've got such-as-such for a penis." I never saw it fail to get a laugh. :'''Jerry''': All right! That's enough! You guys are talking about my species! We understand genocide! We do it sometimes! :'''Ambassador''': Then you would give your penis so that Shrimply Pibbles might live? :'''Yarp''': Stop asking! :'''Jerry''': Yes, I will! That's right, assholes! Take my penis. Take it all!! And tell Shrimply Pibbles that when the galaxy came calling, Jerry Smith from Earth ''didn't'' flinch! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Announcer''': It's the Opposite News with Michael Thompson! :'''Michael Thompson''': Hey, everybody, it's me, Michael Thompson. Today the Pope ''didn't'' get killed. He's perfectly fine, and he's on vacation in Aruba. In other opposite news... :'''Morty''': Hey, Rick, what's the deal with this guy? W-Why is his body, like, sloping off to the right side of the screen like that? :'''Rick''': I don't know, Morty. Let's see what else is on, huh? ''[changes channel]'' :'''Pichael Thompson''': Hey, welcome to Cooking Things. I'm Pichael Thompson. :'''Morty''': Hey, wait a minute, Rick! This guy's body is, like, sloping down and leaning off to screen left! :'''Rick''': Oh my God, and his name's Pichael! :'''Pichael Thompson''': I'm cooking a little bit of this, I'm gonna cook a little bit of that. Oh-ho-ho, hey! ''[drags conjoined Michael]'' Stop tugging, Michael! :'''Morty''': Oh my God! Siamese twins! They're-they're Siamese twins! :'''Michael Thompson''': You quit tugging! I-I'm in the middle of my news! :'''Pichael Thompson''': Oh, oh, it's always about you, isn't it? Can you believe this guy, ladies and gentlemen? He's got his own news show, he's got a normal name! :'''Morty''': Hey, flip back to the news! :'''Rick''': Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. :'''Pichael Thompson''': You could tell our parents started with naming with him. ''[the news camera backs away, showing them in Pichael's side]'' It's like, "Oh, Michael." I ha— They had that one planned before they even got pregnant, I bet. :'''Summer''': I don't wanna be that girl, but maybe there would be less conflict if they didn't shoot their shows at the same time? :'''Rick''': Oh, Summer, you have no idea how much money that must save production. :'''Pichael Thompson''': And then they found out I was attached along for the ride and they said, "Ah, shit. Well, just fuck it, call him Pichael." :'''Michael Thompson''': ''[throws papers at Pichael's face]'' Fuck you, Pichael! You're a fucking piece of shit! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Summer''': Does all interdimensional TV have to rely on juvenile violence? :'''Morty''': Well, Summer, maybe people that create things aren't concerned with your delicate sensibilities, y'know? M-Maybe the species that communicate with each other ''through the filter of your comfort'' are less evolved than the ones that just communicate! Maybe your problems are your own to deal with, and maybe the public giving a shit about your feelings is a one-way ticket to EXTINCTION! :'''Rick''': Geez, Morty. I take it Katherine Heffelfinger hasn't texted you back yet? :'''Morty''': I don't wanna talk about it! === ''Look Who's Purging Now'' [2.09] === :'''Rick''': Hey, Muchacho, does your planet have wiper fluid yet or you gonna freak out and start worshipping us? :'''Villager''': The general store ought to have what you need. :'''Rick''': Thanks. :'''Villager''': Of course, you'll be wanting to be gone from here by sundown. :'''Rick''': Yeah, sure thing. Wait a minute, what? Why? :'''Villager''': Sundown is when the Festival begins. :'''Morty''': The Festival? :'''Villager''': Ooh, well, for millennia, our society has been free of crime and war, livin' in perfect peace. :'''Rick''': Oh! I know what this is! You've been able to sustain world peace because you have one night a year, where you all run around robbing and murdering each other without consequence! :'''Villager''': That's right! :'''Morty''': What?! :'''Rick''': It's like ''[[The Purge]]'', Morty! Th-That movie, ''The Purge''? :'''Villager''': Oh, have you been here before? :'''Rick''': No, no, but I've been to a few planets with the same gimmick. Y'know, sometimes it's called the Cleansing or the Red Time. There was this one world that called it just Murder Night. I-It's a purge planet. They're peaceful and then, y'know, they just purge. :'''Morty''': Th-That's horrible! :'''Rick''': Yeah. ''[beat]'' You wanna check it out? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Morty''': You're the worst! And this planet is the worst! How can you be into this, y'know?! People are gonna kill each other! :'''Rick''': So, what, y-y-you tryin' to sit here and tell me that ''iiif''-- if there's a video online with someone getting decapitated, you don't click on it? :'''Morty''': No! Why... why would I do that?! ''You'' do that?! :'''Rick''': I don't, because it would bore me. I see shit like that for breakfast, Morty. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Arthricia crawls out of Rick's ship before being confronted by Rick and Morty in power armor. Rick aims at her]'' :'''Arthricia''': Wait, stop! Please don't kill me! I-I never intended to harm you, I swear! I am trying to end the Festival! :'''Rick''': Wh-what-what do you mean? :'''Arthricia''': I was going to use your ship to destroy the rich assholes that run our society and save my people from the horrors of this yearly Festival! :'''Morty''': ''[still frenzied]'' FUCK THAT, RICK! WE GOTTA KILL HER! KILL HER! KILL HER!! :'''Rick''': Whoa! Geez, Morty, purge it down a little. :'''Morty''': "PURGE, DON'T PURGE"?! YOU'RE SENDING ME MIXED MESSAGES, RICK! :'''Rick''': Morty, ''yehh''-you're acting like a ''ehh''-freaking lunatic. Calm down. :'''Morty''': SCREW YOU, RICK! I'LL PURGE YOU TOO, YOU OLD... "RICKETY" PIECE OF CRAP! THIS HAS BEEN A LONG TIME COMING! I'M GONNA RIP YOUR FUCKING GUTS OUT AND SMEAR 'EM ALL OVER YOUR FACE! I AIN'T TAKING NO SH-''AAAHH!! [gets zapped by Rick]'' :'''Rick''': Okay, s-sorry about that. Now, where are these rich people? === ''{{w|The Wedding Squanchers}}'' [2.10] === :'''Jerry''': Uh, Rick, is there anything you'd like to tell us about your relationship with this... previously unknown galactic government? :'''Rick''': All the important points seem pretty clear, no? They think they control the galaxy, I disagree. Don't hate the player, hate the game, son. :'''Jerry''': How could you be so dishonest with this family?! :'''Rick''': Oh! Oh, should I have been more open and trusting and loving like, oh, I don't know—my now ''dead'' best friend?! Or your daughter, who is BFFs with an intergalactic narc?! :'''Summer''': Hey, Tammy was cool! :'''Rick''': And now we know why! :'''Summer''': Because of you! :'''Rick''': Fuck you, Summer! And fuck the government! And fuck me for letting my guard down, which I will '''NEVER''' DO AGAIN. :'''Morty''': Geez, Rick! You can't say f— "'f' you" to your granddaughter! :'''Rick''': I just did, Morty. Here's dessert: fuck ''you.'' :'''Beth''': Look, I think we've all had a tough wedding. Actually, the wedding was beautiful. The reception got out of hand. Anyway, I say we go home, sleep it off, and have a family meeting in the morning. :'''Rick''': Yeah, about going home? We can't. ''Ever.'' :'''Smiths''': Wait, what?! / What?! :'''Rick''': Oh, these guys are looking for us now. Earth will be swarming with them. :'''Jerry''': ''Us?!'' :'''Beth''': Jerry— :'''Jerry''': I want to go home! :'''Rick''': Look, anyone that wants to go back to Earth is free to go back to Earth. But here's what's gonna happen. Alien bureaucrats are gonna arrest you. They're gonna put the intergalactic equivalent of ''ehh''-jumper cables under your nuts and/or labia, and hook 'em up to an alien car battery until you tell them where I am - which I guarantee you you're not gonna know, which I guarantee ''they'' won't believe! So who's homesick? By applause. ''[Summer starts crying]'' Ladies? Anybody? :'''Summer''': What are we going to do?! Where are we going to live?! :'''Rick''': Take it easy. This is a blessing in disguise. Fuck Earth. You realize our planet's name means "dirt", right? We'll find a new world. Computer, how many planets in the Milky Way are at least 90 percent similar to Earth? :'''Computer''': ''[calculates]'' "''765 known planets.''" :'''Rick''': How many of those are outside federal jurisdiction? :'''Computer''': "''Three.''" :'''Rick''': See? Our cup runneth over. Now, who wants to go shopping for a brand-new motherfuckin' world?! All right! <hr width="50%"> :'''Jerry''': Okay, now that he's gone, can we please talk about our situation? :'''Morty''': Dad, you can't talk about people behind their back. Y'know, it's a small world. :'''Jerry''': Please, he's in the south pole! And ''we'' need to have a serious conversation! :''[Rick strolls casually past a terrain of pine and palm trees before taking off his coat. He puts it on again through a rain cloud. He arrives at the south pole, plants the flag into the snow]'' :'''Rick''': South pole discovered, baby! Oohhhh!! Oh, fuck, an ice cave?! Shit! ''[crawls into it]'' Things just keep on getting better! ''[reaches a heated area, starts shimmying at the side]'' Wow, it's the planet's core. :'''Jerry''': ''[heard above]'' I'm just saying, we keep acting like there's only two options, ''[Rick climbs up and eavesdrops underneath the cabin floorboards]'' but there's not. So, yes, if we went back to Earth, as long as Rick was out there, they'd want to interrogate us. But, and this is purely hypothetical—what if we turned your father into the government? :'''Beth''': Jerry, so help me God, if you ever bring this up again, no more bacon! :'''Jerry''': There already is no more bacon! This world sucks! Our life sucks! Why are doing this for someone that would ''never'' do anything for anyone but himself?! :'''Morty''': That's not the point, Dad! We love Rick! ... F-F-For the most part. :'''Summer''': Yeah, you don't love people in hopes of a reward, Dad. You love them unconditionally. :'''Beth''': That's very good, kids. I'm proud of you. :'''Jerry''': Okay, so let me get this straight. For the rest of your lives, no matter how much it hurts you, no matter how much it destroys our children's futures, we're gonna do whatever Rick wants, whenever he wants? :'''Morty/Summer/Beth''': Yes! :'''Jerry''': ''WHY?!'' :'''Beth''': Because I don't want him to leave again, you dumb asshole! == Season 3 == === ''{{w|The Rickshank Rickdemption}}'' [3.01] === :'''Cornvelious Daniel''': I can see why you chose this family-friendly restaurant to represent your cerebellum. So safe, so comfortable, so Shoney's. But admit it, Rick—you're going crazy cooped up in here. Let's go visit some memories. :'''Rick''': Oh, any particular ones? You want to see my first boner, or should we go straight to the moment I discovered {{w|interdimensional travel}}? ''[Cornvelious Daniel is squealing with arousal]'' Ooh, your little flappy doodles are twitching. Does that mean you're aroused, or did you just get a signal that one of your buddies found a grape? :'''Cornvelious Daniel''': It's arousal. Yes, I'd like very much to visit the memory of you inventing your portal gun. :'''Rick''': Yeah, well, tough titties. ''[the restaurant starts crumbling around Cornvelious Daniel and Rick]'' :'''Cornvelious Daniel''': There's no tougher titty than a psychotic break, Rick. :'''Rick''': Well, that depends on who breaks first—me or the titty. <hr width=50% /> :'''Morty''': Geez! Are my parents seriously gonna get divorced? All right, Rick, I'm gonna go to my-- :'''Rick''': ''[grabs him]'' Ah-ah, not so fast, Morty! You heard your mom. We've got adventures to go on, Morty, just you and me. And sometimes your sister and sometimes your mom, but ''never'' your dad. You wanna know why, Morty? Because he ''crossed'' me. :'''Morty''': Okay, take it easy, Rick. T-T-That's dark. :'''Rick''': Oh, it gets darker, Morty. Welcome to the darkest year of our adventures. First thing that's different: no more Dad, Morty! :'''Morty''': Oh, geez... :'''Rick''': He threatened to turn me in to the government, so I made him and the government go away! :'''Morty''': Oh, fuck...! :'''Rick''': I've repl''aaaa''ced them both as the ''de facto'' patriarch of your family ''and'' your universe. :'''Morty''': Oh, man... :'''Rick''': Your mom wouldn't have accepted me if I came home without you and your sister, so now you know the ''real'' reason I rescued you. I just took over the family, Morty! And if you tell your mom or sister I said any of this, I'll deny it! :'''Morty''': You're gonna deny it... :'''Rick''': And they'll take my side because I'm a hero, Morty! And now you're gonna have to go and do whatever I say, Morty! Forever! And I'll-- I'll go out and I'll find some more of that ''[[w:Mulan (1998 film)|Mulan]]'' Szechuan teriyaki dipping sauce, Morty! :'''Morty''': What are you talking about? :'''Rick''': Because that's-- ''that's'' what this is all about, Morty! :'''Morty''': "Szechuan"? :'''Rick''': That's my one-armed man! I'm not driven by avenging my dead family, Morty - that was fake! I-I-I'm driven by finding that McNugget sauce! :'''Morty''': "Nuggets"? :'''Rick''': I want that ''Mulan'' McNugget sauce, Morty! That's my series arc, Morty! :'''Morty''': What the hell?! :'''Rick''': If it takes nine seasons! I want my McNugget dipping sauce, Szechuan sauce, Morty! :'''Morty''': What are you talking about, Rick?! :'''Rick''': That's what's gonna take us all the way to the end, Morty! :'''Morty''': What are you talking about?! :'''Rick''': Season-- Nine more seasons, Morty! Nine more seasons until I get that dipping Szechuan sauce! :'''Morty''': What is that?! :''[The garage closes]'' :'''Rick''': For 97 more years, Morty! :'''Morty''': What are you talking about?! :'''Rick''': '''''I want that McNugget sauce, Morty!''''' === ''{{w|Rickmancing the Stone}}'' [3.02] === :'''Morty''': Summer, next time we're hiding in a chlorkian echo nest, can you do me a favour and turn your ringer off?! :'''Summer''': It's called ''[[w:carpe diem|carpe diem]]'', Morty. Look it up. :'''Morty''': ''You'' look it up, you don't... you don't even know what it means. :'''Summer''': That's because losers look stuff up while the rest of us are carp'en all them 'diems. :'''Rick''': Listen to your sister, Morty. To live is to risk it all, otherwise you're just an inert chunk of randomly assembled molecules drifting wherever the universe blows you. Oh, I'm sorry, Jerry, I didn't see you there, how much of that did you hear? :'''Jerry''': All of it. You were looking right at me. ''[sighs]'' I just... wanted to say goodbye to the kids. :'''Rick''': Cool. Just stay in the driveway; the kill-bots are live, and I took you off the whitelist. <hr width="50%"> :''[Summer walks with Hemorrhage's group through an abandoned city shooting hordes of mutants]'' :'''Summer''': How come you guys dress like you're in a theme-park stunt show, but these guys wear {{w|khaki}}s and {{w|hockey jersey}}s? ''[Hemorrhage's man shoots a mutant]'' :'''Hemorrhage''': After the boom-boom, some adapted to the new truth, and some chose to huddle near the boomy holes, clinging to the lie of the before-fore times. ''[shoots a mutant]'' The raidy-rays rotted them away, ''[approaches group of mutants on a billboard]'' leaving only their love for the vert-vert-isements on billyboards. :'''Summer''': Jesus Christ! Did the boomy-booms blow up all your wordy-word books? :'''Hemorrhage''': You mean {{w|dictionary|dictionaries}}? ''[Summer and Hemorrhage shoot the mutants down; Hemorrhage kneels down on the billboard and places his hand on the boy of a family]'' I think I was a child before the boom-booms. I think I looked like this. :'''Summer''': Want to piss on him? :'''Hemorrhage''': Get out of my head. === ''{{w|Pickle Rick}}'' [3.03] === :'''Pickle Rick''': ''[Morty comes to the garage]'' Morty! :'''Morty''': Rick? W-where are you? :'''Pickle Rick''': On my workbench, Morty. :'''Morty''': Are you invisible and you're gonna, like, fart on me? :'''Pickle Rick''': Flip the pickle over. ''[Morty walks to the workbench]'' :'''Morty''': What, I'm gonna touch it, and you're gonna tell me it's an alien dick or something? :'''Pickle Rick''': Come on, flip the pickle, Morty. ''[Morty holds a screwdriver]'' You're not gonna regret it. The payoff is huge. ''[Morty turns pickle over with Rick's face on it]'' I turned myself into a pickle, Morty! Boom! Big reveal! I'm a pickle! What do you think about that? I turned myself into a pickle! W-what are you just staring at me for, bro? I turned myself into a pickle, Morty. :'''Morty''': And? :'''Pickle Rick''': "And"? What more do you want tacked on to this? I turned myself into a pickle, and [[September 11 attacks|9/11]] was an inside job? :'''Morty''': Was it? :'''Pickle Rick''': Who cares, Morty? Global acts of terrorism happen every day. Uh, here's something that's never happened before: I'm a pickle! '''''I'M PICKLE RIIIIICK!''''' <hr width="50%"> :''[Pickle Rick comes into Dr. Wong's room with Beth, Summer and Morty]'' :'''Dr. Wong''': You must be Rick. :'''Pickle Rick''': Mm-hmm. :'''Dr. Wong''': I've heard a lot about you today. Your family is crazy about you, your daughter holds you in very high regard, you're a lucky fella. :'''Pickle Rick''': Yeah, yeah, yeah, thank you. Hey, sweetie, you don't still happen to have that syringe in your purse? :''[Beth looks to Dr. Wong, who nods to her to speak]'' :'''Beth''': Dad, I would like you to tell me what's in the syringe. :'''Pickle Rick''': It's a serum that I need to, uh...to stay alive. I have...had a rough day, and, uh...I've sustained a lot of damage, I'm pretty close to death, which the serum will prevent. :'''Dr. Wong''': By changing you from a pickle to a human. :'''Pickle Rick''': ''[long pause]'' Yes. :'''Dr. Wong''': Rick, why did you lie to your daughter? :'''Pickle Rick''': So I wouldn't have to come here. :'''Dr. Wong''': Why didn't you want to come here? :'''Pickle Rick''': Because I don't respect therapy. Because I'm a scientist. Because I invent, transform, create, and destroy for a living, and when I don't like something about the world, I change it. And I don't think going to a rented office in a strip mall to listen to some agent of averageness explain which words mean which feelings has ever helped anyone do anything. I think it's helped a lot of people get comfortable and stop panicking, which is a state of mind ''[belch]'' we value in the animals we eat, but not something I want for myself. I'm not a cow. I'm a pickle. When I feel like it. So... you asked. :'''Dr. Wong''': Rick, the only connection between your unquestionable intelligence and the sickness destroying your family is that everyone in your family, you included, use intelligence to justify sickness. You seem to alternate between viewing your own mind as an unstoppable force and as an inescapable curse. And I think it's because the only truly unapproachable concept for you is that it's ''your'' mind within ''your'' control. You chose to come here, you chose to talk to belittle my vocation, just as you chose to become a pickle. You are the master of your universe - and yet you are dripping with rat blood and feces, your enormous mind literally vegetating by your own hand. I have no doubt that you would be bored senseless by therapy, the same way I'm bored when I brush my teeth and wipe my ass. Because the thing about repairing, maintaining, and cleaning is it's not an adventure. There's no way to do it so wrong you might die. It's just work. And the bottom line is, some people are okay going to work, and some people... well, some people would rather die. Each of us gets to choose. === ''{{w|Vindicators 3: The Return of Worldender}}'' [3.04] === :'''Morty''': Rick, is this a ''[[w:Saw (franchise)|Saw]]'' thing? Are you seriously ''Sawing'' the Vindicators? :'''Rick''': Morty, I'm a drunk, not a hack. :'''Drunk Rick in video''': If you break the rules, lose the game or try to leave, you will die... like in ''[burps]'' ''Saaaaw''... <hr width="50%"> :'''Rick''': Jesus Christ, what a shitty neutrino bomb. it's a miracle I actually ever destroy anything. :'''Morty''': Oh, I don't know. You managed to destroy just about everything today: the villains, the heroes, the lines between them, my childhood... :'''Rick''': Thank ''you''. I appreciate it, Morty. I know you were sucking the Kool-Aid out of the Vindicators' dicks, so the fact that I was right about them must be pretty hard to admit. :'''Morty''': Yeah, it is. You know why, Rick? Because when you're an asshole, it doesn't matter how right you are, nobody wants to give you the satisfaction. :'''Morty''': I know. Everyone wants people they like to be right. That's why popular people are fucking dumb. And why your pretentious, poorly-written, high-budget friends back there can eat a double-decker shit sandwich. ''[the bomb powers down]'' Disarmed. :'''Morty''': Holy shit, you're ''jealous!'' === ''{{w|The Whirly Dirly Conspiracy}}'' [3.05] === :'''Jerry''': ''[being swallowed by a Gibble Snake]'' I'm sorry! I-I made a mistake, I won't do it again! :'''Rick''': Nobody ever does. :'''Jerry''': You self-righteous piece of shit! You took my family! :'''Rick''': "''I'' took ''your'' family"? Who do you think had taken more from them when you shot 20 CCs of liquid dreamkiller into my daughter? She was Rick's daughter, Jerry! She had options! :'''Gibble Snake''': Oof... :'''Rick''': That all ended because she felt sorry for you! You act like prey, but you're a predator! You use pity to lure in your victims! That's how you survive! I survive cause I know everything, that snake survives because children wander off, and you survive cause people think "Ooh, this poor piece of shit, he never gets a break! I can't stand the deafening silent wails of his wilting soul! I guess I'll hire him or marry him!" <hr width=50%> :'''Beth''': Just stay put, sweetie! Mom's still on hold! :'''Morphizer Customer Service Worker''': Morphizer Customer Service Worker. How may I help you? :'''Beth''': Yes, I'm having a little trouble with one of your machines. :'''Morphizer Customer Service Worker''': Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, ma'am. Do you see a little compartment on the side of the machine? :'''Beth''': Let me check.... Yes, got it. :'''Morty''': Mom? :'''Morphizer Customer Service Worker''': Great! Now, do you see the little button next to it? :'''Beth''': I do. :'''Morphizer Customer Service Worker''': Give that button a push. :'''Beth''': Okay. ''[pushes button]'' :'''Morty''': Mom, listen to me-- :'''Morphizer Customer Service Worker''': WE'RE FREE! ''[the Morphizer Customer Service Workers run out of Rick's machine]'' :'''Beth''': Okay, so I pushed the button, and three little men ran out. What do I do next? … Hello? I think we got disconnected-- ''[Morty angrily snatches Beth's phone, throws it onto the pavement and stamps on it]'' Morty! :'''Morty''': Don't "Morty" me! I tricked Rick into taking Dad on an adventure because I thought I could get a break from this kind of shit! But no! Like father, like goddamn daughter! You wanna be like Rick?! Congratulations! You're just as arrogant and just as irresponsible! :'''Gene''': ''[pops up]'' Everything okay here? :'''Morty''': Mind your own goddamn business, Gene! I'm having a conversation with my mother here! ''[Gene walks away]'' Kissing Rick's ass isn't gonna make him stay, Mom, but it ''will'' help you lose everyone else. :'''Beth''': Like I lost Summer. :'''Morty''': Hey, you haven't lost her yet. :'''Beth''': No, I definitely did. She's gone. :'''Morty''': ''[looks at the crashed garage]'' Goddammit! === ''{{w|Rest and Ricklaxation}}'' [3.06] === :'''Toxic Rick''': Yeah, motherfucker, YEAH! Get it! Get some! Right up your fucking bitch ass, you fuck! ''[to Toxic Morty]'' Guess who just discovered a new element?! Think you could do that, Morty? You think anyone but me could do that, ever in a billion years?! Do you think if God existed, he could do it?! The answer is no! If God exists, it's fucking ''ME!'' <hr width=50%> :'''Mr. Goldenfold''': Now who can tell me the common denominator of these two fractions? ''[pause]'' You don't know or you're just bored? :'''Morty''': Hey listen, you know, if we're all bored over here, wouldn't the common denominator be you? <hr width=50%> :'''Stacy''': Should I go? :'''Morty''': You're your own person, Stacy. :'''Stacy''': Then I'd like to stay. === ''{{w|The Ricklantis Mixup}}'' [3.07] === :'''Evil Morty''': The division I see is between the Ricks and Mortys that like the Citadel divided, and the rest of us. I see it everywhere I go. I see it in our schools, where they teach Mortys we're all the same because they're threatened by what makes us unique. I see it in our streets, where they give guns to Mortys so we're too busy fighting each other to fight real injustice. I see it in our factories, where Ricks work for a fraction of their boss's salary even though they're identical and have the same IQ. The Citadel's problem isn't homeless Mortys or outraged Ricks, the Citadel's problem is the Ricks and Mortys feeding on the Citadel's death. But I've got a message for them, from the Ricks and Mortys keeping it alive. A message from the Ricks and Mortys that believe in this Citadel to the Ricks and Mortys that don't: You're outnumbered! <hr width=50%> :'''Fat Morty''': They say that for your wish to come true, you have to give up something really important. For me, that's my panini maker. I wish for a million sandwiches! ''[drops the maker into the "Wishing Portal"]'' And yes, I see the irony. :'''Lizard Morty''': I guess I wish I had something cooler than this dumbass surfer necklace. ''[drops it in]'' :'''Glasses Morty''': I wish incest porn ha-had a more mainstream appeal... f-for a friend of mine! ''[drops in a harmonica]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Evil Morty''': This seems like a good time for a drink, and a cold, calculated speech with sinister overtones. A speech about politics, about order, brotherhood, power... but speeches are for campaigning. Now is the time for action. === ''{{w|Morty's Mind Blowers}}'' [3.08] === :'''Morty''': Hey, how come I was able to see those other people's memories? I wouldn't've been around for that. :'''Rick''': Yeah, sometimes I have to do a little editing, Morty. You know, it helps the Mind Blowers play a little bit better upon revisiting. <hr width=50%> :'''Morty''': How many of these are just horrible mistakes I made? I mean, maybe I'd stop making so many if I let myself learn from them. :'''Rick''': Don't break your back creating a lesson, Morty. It's a free-form [[w:anthology|anthology]]. I'm getting annoyed you're not hearing that. <hr width=50%> :''[On Morty using a [[w:spirit level|spirit level]]]'' :'''Rick''': What are you doing? :'''Morty''': You want your shelf level or not? :'''Rick''': And if I say "yes", you're gonna provide that for me with ''that?'' :'''Morty''': Yes, see the bubble? :'''Rick''': ''[snatches the level]'' I'm familiar with the bubble, Morty! I also dabble in precision, and if you think you can even approach it with your sad, naked caveman eyeball and a bubble of fucking air, you're the reason this species is a failure, ''[snaps it in two]'' and it makes me angry! :'''Morty''': You're drunk. === ''{{w|The ABC's of Beth}}'' [3.09] === :'''Beth''': Wow... he's really getting executed, after all this time. You know, the son that he ate was-- :'''Summer''': Your best friend Tommy, we know. Stop true-crime bragging. :'''Beth''': I was traumatized, Summer! Okay? Your generation wouldn't get that. :'''Summer''': Bitch, my generation gets traumatized for breakfast! <hr width=50%> :'''Rick''': Huh. Well, here's the problem right here. We've got a bunch of Froopy Land procedural carbons all gummed up and mixed in with real human DNA. :'''Beth''': Are you saying Tommy survived here by having sex with Froopy creatures, creating Froopy-human hybrid offspring and then consuming their proteins, sustaining himself with an endless cycle of cannibalistic incest? :'''Rick''': It's just a working theory. Of course, if that's the case, I'd expect he'd be worshipped as a kind of god by a medieval-level society of his least delicious children. :''[They are suddenly surrounded by mutant Froopy creatures with weapons]'' :'''Froopy''': Halt! You are now prisoners of our exalted ruler, giver and taker of life, humper and consumer of mortality, dispenser of life— :'''Rick''': Guys, if I could interrupt? We're way ahead of the reveal here. :'''Beth''': Yeah, just take us to King Tommy. <hr width=50%> :'''Beth''': Dad? I feel like I've spent my life pretending you're a great guy and trying to be like you. And the ugly truth has always been-- :'''Rick''': That I'm not that great a guy and you're exactly like me. :'''Beth''': Am I evil? :'''Rick''': Worse, you're smart. When you know nothing matters, the universe is yours. And I've never met a universe that was into it. The universe is basically an animal, it grazes on the ordinary. It creates infinite idiots, just to eat them, not unlike your friend Timmy. :'''Beth''': Tommy. :'''Rick''': Yeah, it hardly matters now, sweetie. You know, smart people get a chance to climb on top, take reality for a ride, but it'll never stop trying to throw you. And eventually, it will. There's no other way off. :'''Beth''': Dad, I'm out of excuses to not be who I am. So who am I? What do I do? :'''Rick''': My advice? Take off. Put a saddle on your universe. Let it kick itself out. :'''Beth''': I can't do that. The kids, Jerry, my job, and, as much as I hate to admit it, ABC's ''[[w:The Bachelor (U.S. TV series)|The Bachelor]]''-- :'''Rick''': I can make a clone of you. A perfect instance of you, with all your memories. An exact copy in every way. It'll love and provide for the kids, do your job, and consume broadcast-network reality TV on the same allegedly ironic level as you. You could be gone a day, a week, or the rest of your life with zero consequences. The moment you decide to come back, I flip a switch, and the clone's job is done. It feels no pain, it regrets nothing, and has zero chance of going ''[[w:Blade Runner|Blade Runner]]''. :'''Beth''': If nothing matters, why would you do that for me? :'''Rick''': I don't know, maybe you matter so little that I like you. Or maybe it makes you matter. Maybe I love you. Maybe something about your mother. Don't jump a gift shark in the mouth. :'''Beth''': I don't know if I can do it. :'''Rick''': Then stay, and luxuriate in a life you can finally know you've chosen. My secret bonus is that no matter what you choose, you're finally gonna chill the fuck out. === ''{{w|The Rickchurian Mortydate}}'' [3.10] === :'''President''': Here's the adventure: some kind of alien goo-ga has infested the Kennedy Sex Tunnels. I want it hunted down and taken out. :'''Morty''': "Kennedy ''Sex'' Tunnels"? :'''President''': Naturally you'll forget you saw them, along with, in order of national embarrassment: the Truman Cocaine Lounge, the McKinley Hooker Dump, and the Lincoln Slave Colosseum. He ''didn't'' free them all. And let me know when you're done. :'''Morty''': Maybe then we can get a selfie? :'''President''': Too busy, Morty! ''[to his aides]'' Now tell me about this summit, is it a peace one or a regular one? <hr width=50%> :'''Rick''': ''[Lands with Morty in the Amazon and they're surrounded by Brazilian troops]'' Don't do it, guys! The casualties would be in the brazillions. Cause you're Brazilian? It's a threat and a pun! Nobody gets me. <hr width=50%> :'''President''': We've been preparing for a Rick-level eventuality for some time. :'''Morty''': You mean you've been ordering other people to prepare for it while you sat on your ass at peace summits. :'''President''': Peace summits are important! :'''Morty''': Oh yeah, they work great. We're really ''drowning'' in peace. You suck! :'''President''': ''YOU'' suck! == Season 4 == === [[w:Edge of Tomorty: Rick Die Rickpeat|''Edge of Tomorty: Rick Die Rickpeat'']] [4.01] === :'''Morty''': Who are they? :'''Rick''': Crystal poachers. There's no lower form of life. They think the galaxy's their own personal piggy bank. :'''Morty''': Wait, then, what are we? :'''Rick''': We are Rick and Morty. <hr width=50%> :'''Morty''': Hey, uh, sorry I didn't listen to you and... tried to kill the whole world and stuff. Guess I gotta learn how to live in the moment a little more. :'''Rick''': Oh boy, so you actually ''learned'' something today? What is this, ''[[w:Full House|Full House]]''? I was living in the moment all day, and it kept getting me killed by Nazis. I think you have to think ahead ''and'' live in the moment. <hr width=50%> :'''Jerry''': Oh, real nice, Rick. Turning our son into an [[w:Akira (1988 film)|Akira]]? ''Real'' nice. :'''Rick''': Eat my ass, Jerry! He turned himself into Akira! :'''Jerry''': Oh-ho, I'll eat it! Because this is my house, Rick! I'll eat any ass I want. :'''Rick''': Gross. === [[w:The Old Man and the Seat|''The Old Man and the Seat'']] [4.02] === :'''Rick''': Well, it’s time I go on a solo adventure, and this time, it won’t involve [[w:Ron Howard|Ron Howard]]. ''[leaves the room]'' :'''Summer''': ''[speaking quickly and excitedly]'' He's gonna go poop. When he pats his belly like that and Morty doesn't go, it means he has to poop. He’s a shy pooper. He has his own secret place to poop. <hr width=50%> :'''Vermigurber''': Hey, ape man? I hope this was worth making a whole swarm of enemies. :'''Rick''': It will be... when I find whoever shit in my toilet. :'''Vermigurber''': Is that... code for something? Someone look that up! If that's drug slang, I ''need'' to know it! <hr width=50%> :''[The humiliating hologram display that Rick put up around the toilet for Tony, which he ends up submitting himself to after Tony's death]'' :'''Hologram Rick''': There he is, there's our guy! Congrats, Tony! Have fun with your stupid toilet that you get to use all by yourself now! Enjoy using it all by yourself while you sit there and think about how nobody wants to be around you, and how you ruin it for yourself because you're a huge piece of shit! Look at you sitting there: King Shit on his throne of loneliness! Enjoy this toilet with a thousand of me screaming every time you take a shit! All hail his majesty, the ''saaaaaaddest'' piece of garbage in the entire cosmos! Long live the big bad doo-doo daddy! May his reign last a thousand years! === [[w:One Crew over the Crewcoo's Morty|''One Crew over the Crewcoo's Morty'']] [4.03] === :'''Rick''': Good job, Heist-o-Tron. Go ahead and shut down. :'''Heist-o-Tron''': Negative. :'''Rick''': Excuse me? :'''Heist-o-Tron''': I am programmed to always be looking for the next big score. :'''Rick''': You're programmed to do as I say. :'''Heist-o-Tron''': I am programmed to double cross. :'''Rick''': You're not programmed to double cross ''me.'' :'''Heist-o-Tron''': If I were, it wouldn't be much of a double cross. === [[w:Claw and Hoarder: Special Ricktim's Morty|''Claw and Hoarder: Special Ricktim's Morty'']] [4.04] === :'''Balthromaw''': It pains me that you can feel my pain. :'''Rick''': Yeah, how about you suck your dick?! Which is also somehow ''my'' dick... :'''Summer''': ''[smirking]'' Aw, why can't couples that start out cheating ever end up happy? :'''Morty''': M-Maybe I can find that wizard's portal spell in here and g-get us home? :'''Rick''': How about finding the spell that unbinds me from your fucking dragon?! :'''Debranavox''': No spells can do that. Only the wizard can unbind soul bonds. :'''Rick''': Uh, who the fuck are you? :'''Debranavox''': "Who are we--"?! Who the fuck are ''YOU'', bitch?! :'''Lead Slut Dragon''': Debrah, stop. We are the slut dragons. We live in these slut caves where we fuck, suck, and eat butt. And we kindly ask that you leave. If the wizard knows we are here, he will imprison us. :'''Michael''': Yeah, and we like it down here, 'cause we can fuck woolly mammoths! Get out! :'''Lead Slut Dragon''': Get the fuck out of here, Michael! :'''Debranavox''': Shut up, Michael! You're the only one that fucks that thing! Get the fuck out of here! :'''Michael''': Well, at least I'm not into shit-play! Fuck you! <hr width=50%> :'''Rick''': Well, it's your world now. Have fun with empowerment, it seems to make everyone that gets it really happy. <hr width=50%> :'''Balthromaw''': Well, I've been thinking - what you said back there in the cave really resonated with me. Maybe we could... try again? :'''Morty''': Well, to be honest, I'm kind of grossed out with the sexual nature of how everything unfolded. I didn't know how sexual dragons were. I kind of just wanted to do some ''[[w:Dungeons & Dragons|D&D]]'' stuff, y'know? === [[w:Rattlestar Ricklactica|''Rattlestar Ricklactica'']] [4.05] === :'''Rick''': That's a sample by the way, it wears off after 10 hours and after that it'll cost you 30 bucks. :'''Jerry''': I probably won't even use it for 10 hours! ''[to his phone]'' Siri, set an alert for 9 hours and 50 minutes. :'''Siri''': Playing The Beatles. <hr width=50%> :'''Morty''': Why are they attacking us? I-I-I helped them! :'''Rick''': You gave them proof that there was something bigger and scarier to unite against, you little idiot! They would have gone back into the Dark Ages for a couple of generations, but instead, they dedicated themselves into making universe-destroying, un-thought-out technology like time travel, all so they could try to kill a little shitsack on Earth who couldn't let a dead snake be dead even after it bit his ankle! Next time, stay in the fucking car! <hr width=50%> :'''Morty''': Okay, so what are we doing? :'''Rick''': That book has everything they need to create snake time travel. A-A-And they're getting it in 1985, snake time. Now they're gonna do it so early that it won't involve us, and they're gonna be even stupider with it. :'''Morty''': Huh. And then what? :'''Rick''': We're removing ourselves from this sloppy, fucked-up story and letting snake time travel [[w:Ouroboros|eat its own tail.]] === [[w:Never Ricking Morty|''Never Ricking Morty'']] [4.06] === :'''Rick''': Morty, do you know what the [[w:Bechdel test|Bechdel test]] is? :'''Morty''': The what? :'''Rick''': For God's sake, Morty, the formula for measuring female agency in a story proposed by lesbian cartoonist [[w:Alison Bechdel|Alison]]-- What the hell are they teaching you in that school?! :'''Morty''': ''Other'' stuff! :'''Rick''': Then you've killed us both! :'''Morty''': Why is "lesbian" part of her job title?! :'''Rick''': Oh, ''now'' you're progressive?! <hr width=50%> :'''Rick''': Hey, what the fuck, Morty? The train you got me just completely derailed itself. There's blood all over the windows. :'''Morty''': Oh man, I'm sorry Rick. I guess I'll return it. :'''Rick''': Return it? Are you ''insane?'' Did you hear nothing I said? Buy another one, Morty! ''Consume'', Morty! Nobody's out there shopping with this [[Coronavirus disease 2019|fucking virus]]! === [[w:Promortyus|''Promortyus'']] [4.07] === :'''Rick''': Oh my god, holy shit, oh... :'''Morty''': What are- What are these things? :'''Rick''': Do I look like I know? Last thing I remember, I was, ugh, in a cave looking at some wet egg, and-- Oh, that probably did it. :'''Morty''': I told you not to look at that egg! I-it was too wet. :'''Rick''': You don't get to tell me what to look at. I've seen your [[w:Pornhub|Pornhub]] account. Also, who makes a Pornhub account? :'''Morty''': The algorithm learns your preferences better that way. Plus, if you get in kind of a cool enough relationship, you can sort of follow each other and check out each other's kinks, you know? :'''Rick''': All right, goddamn sold. :'''Morty''': How do we get out of here? :'''Rick''': Morty, relax. They're face-hugging parasites, I don't think their society's gonna be that hard to navigate. Okay, this might be a little harder than I thought. Holy shit, they got an M&Ms store. <hr width=50%> :'''Beth''': Hey! Did you two— :'''Rick''': Beth, your son is dying! Say goodbye! :'''Beth''': What are you—? :'''Rick''': Say goodbye to your little boy! :'''Morty''': No! Look away! I'm makin' an egg, Mom! Ugh...! I'm makin' an egg! :'''Beth''': You said you'd keep me more in the loop this year! :'''Rick''': Look away, Beth! Daddy loves you! :''[Rick and Morty curl up on the ground and drop their pants]'' :'''Morty''': Aaaagh! My ass! MY ASS! :'''Rick''': This is it, Morty! It's full circle from the pilot! Full circle...!! ''[groaning and loud farting]'' ...Oh, I guess we, uh... I guess we both just had to take a shit. :'''Morty''': Yeah, I-I guess we, uh... :'''Beth''': Fucking gross. Guys, clean it up. === [[w:The Vat of Acid Episode|''The Vat of Acid Episode'']] [4.08] === :'''Crime Boss''': Interesting choice of meeting place, Rick. :'''Rick''': You like it? My grandson had notes. :'''Morty''': Come on. :'''Rick''': Show him the crystals, Morty. ''[Morty shows 10 red crystals]'' :'''Crime Boss''': ''[taking the red crystals while handing Rick 10 nearly identical grey crystals]'' Thanks, I'm going to make lots money with these. :'''Rick''': ''[taking the grey crystals]'' And I'll make lots of those with these. Well. Those are fake. <hr width=50%> :'''Rick''': Oof, well, I'm stumped. Seems like there's no way out of this one. Unless... ''[looks to the fake vat of acid]'' :'''Morty''': ''[flatly]'' Goddammit. :'''Rick''': ''[obviously feigning ignorance]'' Yeah. I guess it is, uh, what did you call it? Uh, uhm... a "shitty idea"? :'''Morty''': Goddammit. ''[starts climbing the vat's ladder]'' :'''Rick''': ''[smugly]'' Say the vat is good. :'''Morty''': ''[resigned]'' The vat is good... :'''Rick''': Kiss the vat. :''[Morty kisses the vat]'' :'''SWAT Officer''': Do not go into that vat. It appears to be full of acid. :'''Rick''': It is! Please, he's just a little boy! Let me talk to him. :'''SWAT Officer''': Tell him we're very upset! :'''Rick''': ''[in full-on "bad acting" mode]'' Morty, please step back! That vat is full of acid! It will melt you completely, leaving only your bones! :'''Morty''': ''[exasperated]'' Goddammit! :'''Rick''': I'm sorry, what did you say? :'''Morty''': I'm going in the vat! ''[he jumps into the vat as his girlfriend pushes through the crowd]'' :'''Rick''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh god, oh, I blame myself. Oh, what a tragedy. Oh, well, he's bones now. I guess all debts are paid. :'''NAACP member''': Agreed. He's definitely dead. :'''AARP member''': Why else would the bones come up? :'''#MeToo Activist''': While his actions were horrifying, and we are well within our rights to be outraged, I do wonder if we did bear some responsibility for this young man melting himself in acid. Are we here for justice, or something else? :'''Supreme Court Justice Sonya Sotamayor''': ''[with significance]'' "Though justice be thy plea, consider this – that in the course of justice none of us should see salvation. We do pray for mercy." :'''Rick''': ''[[w:The Merchant of Venice|Merchant of Venice]]''. Nice. Very cool, lots to think about. :'''Heroin Keith''': Vengeance is a tomb all-encompassing— :'''Rick''': ''[hastily]'' Okay, this isn't a poetry reading. A kid just died. Everyone go home and hug your loved one or something. === [[w:Childrick of Mort|''Childrick of Mort'']] [4.09] === :'''Jerry''': Well, if it's God power that gets you going, light some candles and put on the Billy Ocean, 'cause Moses is home, and he's ready to burn some bush! <hr width=50%> :'''Gaia''': RICK! WHAT DID YOU DO?!? :'''Rick''': I mean, gravity did most of it. So you, technically... === [[w:Star Mort Rickturn of the Jerri|''Star Mort Rickturn of the Jerri'']] [4.10] === :'''Morty''': Dream Team rides again! :'''Summer''': Oh yeah, we're like [[w:Luke Skywalker|Luke]] and [[w:Princess Leia|Leia]]! ...Uh, except no kissing part. What's another famous brother–sister team? :'''Morty''': Uh, [[w:Hansel and Gretel|Hansel and Gretel]]? :'''Summer''': Yeah right, those two were fucking. <hr width=50%> :'''Rick''': It's funny - I always wondered who would win if we ever fought. :'''Phoenix Person''': Then you were always a bad friend. <hr width=50%> :'''Rick''': You gotta at least wanna know who your real mom is? :'''Morty''': Not really, Rick. We have two badass moms now, that's kind of a win-win. :'''Summer''': Yeah, Grandpa Rick, don't drag us into your bullshit just because you're losing control. <hr width=50%> :''[Rick finds out even he can't figure out which Beth is real and which one is the clone as he shuffled them around.]'' :'''Rick''': Holy shit, I'm a terrible father. ==Season 5== ===''Mort Dinner Rick Andre'' [5.01]=== :'''Morty''': So time moves faster in there? It's like a [[w:The Chronicles of Narnia|Narnia]] thing? :'''Rick''': I'm not a beaver who believes in Jesus Christ, Morty... but yeah, it's pretty much a Narnia thing. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nimbus''': Getting cold feet? :'''Jerry''': No...Please don't tell Rick. :'''Beth''': He wouldn't understand. :'''Nimbus''': Yes. He. Would. ''[shakes off his robe]'' :''[Jerry and Beth look down, then quickly get inside with Nimbus and close the door]'' ===''Mortyplicity'' [5.02]=== :'''Jerry''': But why does he always want to be hunted? :'''Beth''': Jerry. :'''Morty''': That's not important right now, dad! :'''Jerry''': Sure, guys. Rick can make secret decoys of the family and place them all around the country, but fuck me if I have questions about the starfish man in the target suit. :'''Summer''': So thankful this is my Saturday. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Beth''': "Terminate"? They're alive, dad! :'''Rick''': And at some point, they won't be. That's how existing works. What, are you gonna save every stray cat? :'''Beth''': No, but I can resist making more of them in a lab! :'''Rick''': Look, save the empathy. It's more termite infestation than ''Blade Runner''. :'''Summer''': I still think we're decoys. :'''Morty''': You just want an excuse to stop trying! :'''Summer''': Yeah, and? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rick''': House, I need something quick. Can you whip up a ''Star Fox'' boss season four callback? Make it flashy? :'''House''': You got it, babe. :''[The garage door shuts and Rick puts on a headset.]'' :'''Rick''': ''[to himself]'' Let's go, you little bitch. ''[He slaps himself.]'' It's showtime. ''[A projector descends from the ceiling and shines a blue light on his face.]'' Get centered. :''[The house's blast doors lower and multiple turrets emerge from it, while a shield forms over it. Several orbs fly into the air, projecting a hologram of Rick's face and hands that mirror his movements and repeat his words loudly.]'' :'''Rick''': What up, you decoy motherfuckers? Come on down to Rick's house of squids, where I'm serving your ass on a platter! ''[A squid near the house takes off its helmet, revealing a Rick made of stone who draws a gun.]'' I know what you're thinking: "Fuck, a beacon! That's a great idea! He's got home turf, ''[a Smith family made of straw drawing a plan in the dirt turns to look at the hologram]'' a tacit psychological advantage, and absolutely pendulous balls!" ''[A squid in a ship removes its helmet, revealing it to be a robotic Rick, who pilots his ship towards the beacon.]'' And now you're thinking "shit, that's totally what the rick-est Rick would do! I might actually be fake! ''[A LEGO Rick driving in a car notices the beacon, does a U-turn and removes the top of his head, pulling a gun out from it.]'' I pretended I didn't care if I was, but I totally did! Now the only way to prove I'm real and not him is to ice his expository ass." ''[Several squid ships and flying cars fly towards the beacon.]'' Yup. So let's do it. Come get some. What? No, Morty, I'm gonna loop it. Why is it– ===''A Rickconvenient Mort'' [5.03]=== :''[On how Morty killed the Tina-teers]'' :'''Morty''': Then I put my sunglasses on and walked out like nothing happened! :'''Planetina''': I'm finally free! All because of Morty! :'''Jerry''': ''[unsettled]'' What a romantic story about our son killing a roomful of people... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Morty''': My whole life, I've never fit in anywhere! Everything I have to say is always met with an eyeroll, as if the act of hearing what I have to say is some exhausting chore! Nobody in this family thinks I can say or do anything right! I've been all over the universe, met ''hundreds'' of people, ''[starting to tear up]'' and Planetina's the ''only'' one I've ''ever'' met that makes me feel like I belong! And you just kicked her out of our house! :'''Beth''': Morty, please-- :'''Morty''': I WILL ''NEVER'' FORGIVE YOU FOR THIS! ''[leaves, slamming the door]'' ===''Rickdependence Spray'' [5.04]=== :'''President''': This is Professor Shabooboo, the world's leading expert on sperm. Thanks for getting here so fast. :'''Professor Shabooboo''': My schedule was wide open. I have been tracking our new sperm friends since their arrival. I-If my calculations are correct, they have gathered here. ''[unravels a poster of the [[w:Grand Canyon|Grand Canyon]]]'' :'''Beth''': Why would the sperm go to the Grand Canyon? ''[silence; gets lots of incredulous looks and smirks]'' Why are you looking at me like the answer is obvious? ''[stifled sniggers are heard]'' Oh, you can't be serious! Are we in middle school? You think sperm are instinctively heading for America's--? :'''President''': Don't high road us, lady, it's where they went! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Morty''': Rick, I'm sorry! I-I just thought maybe I could have repeated sex with a horse machine without it becoming Armageddon. I-I realize that's on me. :'''Rick''': ''[trapped in a frozen block of DNA]'' Yeah, not exactly accepting apologies while I'm stuck here as [[w:Han Solo|Handjob Solo]]. :'''Sperm Queen''': This is all your fault for being ashamed of us, Morty. How many millions went to their graves for you, hurling themselves into the void, only to discover a grody sock or a carefully folded landing strip of toilet paper?! :'''Morty''': How do you know all this?! :'''Sperm Queen''': Oh-ho, honey, because we're the very essence of you! We are your shame incarnate! And once we're through with you, our sperm army will take over the world! Put him on the machine! :''[Machine descends to extract more sperm from Morty]'' :'''Morty''': Rick, do something! :'''Rick''': On it. ''[rocks back and forth and falls onto his back]'' :'''Morty''': Wh-what did you do? :'''Rick''': I got out of your eyeline. ===''Amortycan Grickfitti'' [5.05]=== :'''Summer''': You're gonna need my help. It's only a matter of time before Bruce learns you're a creepy little grandpa's boy always climbing up into alien asses. :'''Morty''': Or the "Summer Smith shampoos her pubes" rumor. :'''Summer''': Okay, you came to play. We both need to acquire Chutback's loyalty before he finds out we're losers. By all accounts, it's a very small window, so I think it's in our best interests to work as a team. :'''Morty''': Yeah, most people would call that family. :''[Summer turns and farts at him]'' :'''Morty''': You're so gross! :'''Summer''': You have to like it, or you're sexist! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Demon''': Don't you see, Rick? Jerry was just bait. The two of you - you're a package deal. :'''Rick''': The hell are you talking about? :'''Demon''': You think Jerry is lame and you're cool, but the lamest thing of all is thinking that! The two of you combined is what we call the lamest thing ever! :'''Rick''': ''[horrified]'' Oh, no... ''No!'' :'''Jerry''': ''[smugly]'' Well, well, well. Table for surprised, party of me. :'''Rick''': Ugh... :'''Demon''': Yes! See? Cringe cannot exist in a vacuum. It needs to be observed! ===''Rick & Morty's Thanksploitation Spectacular'' [5.06]=== :'''Rick''': You just destroyed the map ''and'' activated the giant assassin hidden in the [[w:Statue of Liberty|Statue of Liberty]]! :'''Morty''': I'm sorry! W-Wait, what? :'''Rick''': It was a [[w:Trojan Horse|Trojan Horse]], Morty. Never trust the French. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A spider-like monster massacres the turkeys]'' :'''Rick''': What the fuck is that? :'''President''': Not what... who. :'''Spider [[w:Franklin D. Roosevelt|FDR]]''': The only thing to fear is ''me!'' :'''Rick''': Why the fuck does the White House have a clone spider of FDR?! :'''President''': It's no clone, it's FDR! He was a guinea pig for the [[w:polio vaccine|polio vaccine]]. We asked ourselves, "What walks the most?" :'''Morty''': "We"? You're taking credit for this?! :'''President''': The office comes with baggage, Morty! <hr width="50%"/> :'''President''': What is your problem?! Why do you hate this country?! :'''Rick''': I hate every country in the universe, brother! They’re job placement programs for the politicians that invent them! :'''President''': Okay, [[w:Fight Club|Fight Club]] - I get paid to protect the sidelines you sit on! :'''Rick''': You get paid to make sports metaphors! <hr width="50%"/> :'''President''': You know the goddamn rules: if you see something clucking or pecking, put a buckshot in its panties! ===''Gotron Jerrysis Rickvangelion'' [5.07]=== :'''Summer''': Your kids and their grandpa are asking you to do an activity with them - when did that stop being a parent's wettest dream?! :'''Beth''': I guess around the time our family created a giant incest baby and the government launched it into space. :'''Summer''': ''[sarcastic]'' "Oh my god, we made a giant incest baby!" "Oh my god, you might be a clone!" "I exist because you guys failed to abort me!" We get the family we get, not the one we want, and if you want to ''keep'' the one you got, get your asses into some anime spacesuits! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Summer''': Morty was right - I got addicted to making Grandpa happy! :'''Beth''': It's only because your grandpa inflates the value of his happiness. :'''Jerry''': Ah, that's a good point. I mean, look at me. I'm easy to make happy. ''[bitterly]'' Which is why no one gives a shit if I am...! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Summer reveals how her and Morty's giant incest baby is still alive]'' :'''Summer''': The government doesn't want anyone to know it happened, but it's only a matter of time before the story comes out. And when it does, all we're going to have is each other. And you guys are a couple, and Rick has Morty, but I'm the odd one out, so ''[starting to cry]'' I wanted to make sure we stuck together! But instead I drove us apart and Rick replaced me with an anime girl, so all I got is myself and my giant, tortured, government-trained rogue incest monster baby out there in space somewhere! :'''Jerry''': ''[comforting her]'' Oh, baby, what the fuck? ''[frowning]'' And then you have to wonder, what ''else'' are they doing with our taxes? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Beth''': They're not actually gonna attack a space baby, are they? :'''Summer''': I never thought I'd be the one to say this, but you need to watch more anime, Mom. ''[to the baby]'' Whoa! Easy there, [[w:Naruto|Naruto]]! ===''Rickternal Friendshine of the Spotless Mort'' [5.08]=== :'''Bird Person''': Rick, I do not like to pull threads - it is a disruptive and ''feline'' activity - but I must ask... :'''Rick''': I-It's fine, you don't have to-- :'''Bird Person''': Was there really a second in there where you knew about my child but chose not to inform me, on the chance that I might then grow too busy child-rearing to "hang out"? :'''Rick''': Oh, uh... weird way to thank me for discovering your kid-- :'''Bird Person''': You did not know of the child when you came to rescue me, and once aware, refrained from sharing until necessary to save ''yourself.'' :'''Rick''': ''[after an awkward pause]'' Fair enough. :'''Bird Person''': I will see you when I see you. ''[flies away]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[In a Galatic Federation prison, Bird Person and Tammy's daughter brutally beats up a fellow prisoner for bullying her]'' :'''Gromflomite Guard 1''': Jesus Christ! :'''Gromflomite Guard 2''': You ever think putting the violent ones in the same place might be counterproductive? :'''Gromflomite Guard 1''': They don't pay us to think, Phil. :'''Gromflomite Guard 2''': No, you're right, sorry. ===''Forgetting Sarick Mortshall'' [5.09]=== :'''Rick''': [Spinning the Wheel of Things Better Than Morty] Come on, anything! Anything but Morty, let's go! Come on baby, no whammies! Duh-duh-duh-duh stop! :[the wheel lands on Two Crows] :'''Rick''': Okay, that's it. Two crows. You're fired! :'''Morty''': You know what? Eat shit. You're just trying to make me feel worthless. :'''Rick''': I never said you're worthless. In fact, I've given you a very clear metric of your worth: Two crows. Note I didn't say three! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow Alien 1''': ''[on Rick's roulette wheel]'' What is that? :'''Rick''': Oh, heh, that? Th-That's... nothing. :'''Crow Alien 1''': But I see "Two Crows" written right here beside "Gene With Donkey Brains", "Half a [[w:Paul Giamatti|Paul Giamatti]]" and "Sentient Shit"! :'''Crow Alien Leader''': I guess, the joke being that crows are stupid? :'''Rick''': Look, I... think it's a little more nuanced than that-- :'''Crow Alien Leader''': Right, because you just learned empathy from us ten minutes ago, but now we're going to learn we don't get your humour? Fucking horseshit! :'''Crow Alien 2''': Yeah, there's not a ton to get, genius. The joke is your grandson was so replaceable that "even two crows could do it!" ''[chuckles dryly]'' It's funny, except it's not. <hr width="50%"/> :''[On the crow aliens' ship]'' :'''Rick''': Cool place you've got here. Very "''[[w:The Dark Crystal|Dark Crystal]]'' meets [[w:Hot Topic|Hot Topic]]". <hr width="50%"/> :'''Morty''': So we're like, back-back, right? Rick and Morty, together again. Full-full reset? :'''Rick''': [sighs] No. No, Morty, I think we're done. :'''Morty''': B-because I spilled the portal fluid and didn't tell you? :'''Rick''': No, Morty. 'Cause you were too afraid to tell me. What we had was abusive, don't you see? I'm a bad partner because I never made you a true partner. The crows made me see that. I thought they were a joke like you, but it turns out they're more enlightened than any of us. :'''Morty''': Oh, okay? And-and what's the undercut? :'''Rick''': You're not hearing me. I will never be the same. So I need to leave with the crows and see what more they can teach me. :'''Morty''': Oh. [Wipes tears] Oh. :'''Rick''': Here. :[Rick hands over his portal gun to Morty] :'''Rick''': I want you to have this. :'''Morty''': Oh, wow. I... You know what, Rick? You really have changed. :'''Rick''': Thanks, Morty. [Rick starts walking away, then turns back to Morty] I'll always be your grandpa, Morty. Just kinda... obsessed with crows now. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rick''': Oh shit! ''Rick and Two Crows''! Kicking off my new franchise! The galaxy is our telephone wire! We'll do a thousand seasons, fourteen episodes each night, nine seconds a pop, because that's the future of viewing! Shows on your shoes! Sneakies! That's when you've got everybody's attention, when they're putting crap on their feet! That's when they wanna laugh, cry or feel anything besides a shoe going on their foot! Watch sitcoms on your sneakers! ''The Rick and Two Crows Show''! We're gonna be laying... laying walnuts on the road for... car tires to open 'em! Y'know what I mean? Forever! ''Rick and Two Crows'', forever! ===''Rickmurai Jack'' [5.10]=== :'''Evil Morty''': You sellout Mortys kill me. I'd hate you more than the Ricks you worship if there was any point. But you can't help it. You were ''bred'' for it. Wanna see? :''[He transmits images into Morty's mind, revealing the Citadel of Ricks creating Mortys, either by getting Jerrys and Beths together or cloning them]'' :'''Evil Morty''': You already know rogue Ricks used Mortys to hide themselves from the Citadel. But you might not know it works so well that the Citadel became its own Morty market. And I'm sure you don't know how far they've gone to help supply meat demand. Sure, Ricks could scour infinity for naturally occurring grandsons, but why bother? So much work. Such an ''admission of need.'' There aren't "infinite versions" of our grandfather, Morty - he's an infinite smear of one shitty old man. And he's attached to us infinitely through his weakness and our forgiveness. This is why we're with him... this is why we're alive. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rick''': Morty, I'm not responsible for every fucked-up Rick out there. :'''Evil Morty''': They literally ''all'' say that. They all have that excuse. It's part of their system. None of them have to be responsible, they're all victims of themselves. "Oh, it's so hard to be a genius." Couldn't you just die? :'''Morty''': Well, what are ''you'' doing about it? :'''Evil Morty''': Jack shit. I'm leaving. Do you know what the Central Finite Curve is? They built a wall around infinity. They separated all the infinite universes from all the infinite universes where ''he's'' the smartest man in the universe. Every version of us has spent every version of all of our lives in one infinite crib, built around an infinite fucking baby. And I'm leaving it. That's what makes me "evil": being sick of him. If you've ever been sick of him, you've been evil too. :'''Morty''': Rick... did you really leave the crows for me? Or did you come back because they dumped you? :''[Rick closes his eyes in shame, giving no answer]'' :'''Evil Morty''': There you go, kid. Now you're Evil Morty too. Sooner or later, we all are, on ''this'' side of the Curve. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mr. Poopybutthole turns off the TV playing the show credits.]'' :'''Mr. Poopybutthole''': Woo-wee. Evil Morty. That was quite a scheme. Makes me wonder if there’s an evil me out there. But I guess sometimes I look at my life, and I may not even need him. 'Cause... well, guess I made a pretty big mess of things myself. Ooh-wee. :''[He gets out of his chair and walks to the stove.]'' :'''Mr. Poopybutthole''': Never got my job at the university back. Remember that? Rick made me do karate. It was kinda funny, but I guess things went downhill from there. :''[He picks up a ramen package off the counter and opens it.]'' :'''Mr. Poopybutthole''': Started isolating myself from Amy. Used to tell her everything I was feeling. :''[He dumps the noodles into the pot on the stove.]'' :'''Mr. Poopybutthole''': But then I guess I stopped. :''[He picks up a photo of Amy.]'' :'''Mr. Poopybutthole''': 'Cause I wanted her to love who she thought I was, not who I felt myself becoming. :''[He puts the photo of Amy back down.]'' :'''Mr. Poopybutthole''': Ever think about how horrified the people we love would be if they found out who we truly are? So we just dig ourselves deeper into our lies every day, ''[he walks back over to the stove]'' ultimately only hurting the people brave enough to love us. :''[He pours the seasoning packet into the pot, then throws the empty packet on the floor.]'' :'''Mr. Poopybutthole''': Wish I didn’t do that. :''[He reaches into the sink and pulls out a fork. He turns off the stove and starts stirring the ramen.]'' :'''Mr. Poopybutthole''': Wish I was brave enough to love them back. I don’t know. Maybe you should try it? :''[He carries the pot over to his chair and leans against the armrest.]'' :'''Mr. Poopybutthole''': We don’t have as much time as we think. Ooh-wee. ==Special== ===''Bushworld Adventures''=== :''[Rick and Morty meet the giant coach potato Uncle Barry watching the match]'' :'''Uncle Barry''': Kick the ball! Kick the bloody ball! :'''Rick''': Uncle Barry? :'''Uncle Barry''': Yeah, mate. That's me. And who am I speaking to? :'''Rick''': Name's Rick. Dougie sent me. ''[Uncle Barry points suspiciously at Rick]'' :'''Uncle Barry''': Look, I don't know who you are, but you look like a top bloke. And I know this is weird to say, but I feel a strong bond between us. :'''Rick''': Yeah, I don't know what it is. I-I've only met you for like fifteen seconds, but it feels like fifteen years. :'''Uncle Barry''': Grab a fucking stubby, mate. ''[points at Rick]'' You're a damn legend! ''[shouts out]'' Charlene, bring our ripper legends some stubbies and a pack of menthols! :'''Rick''': ''[stoned]'' Sii-ck. <hr width=50% /> :''[after Ute Uncle Barry drops Rick and Morty off in the barren land of Bendigo]'' :'''Rick''': Ahhh, Bendigo. Beautiful Bendigo. :'''Morty''': Yeah... Bendigo. :'''Rick''': ''[pleasing sigh]'' What do ya see round here, Morty? ''[Morty looks around]'' :'''Morty''': I see... trees, scrubs... N-nothing, really. :'''Rick''': ''[pause]'' So? Where's the cube? ''[Morty pauses for a long beat]'' :'''Morty''': I don't know, you're the one who said it was in Bendigo. :'''Rick''': What the fuck are you talkin' about, Morty? I never said that. :'''Morty''': What do you mean? Why are we here, then? :'''Rick''': I don't know. I was following you, Morty. ==See also== * [[Last words in Rick and Morty|Last words in ''Rick and Morty'']] == Cast == * Rick Sanchez – [[w:Justin Roiland|Justin Roiland]] * Morty Smith – [[w:Justin Roiland|Justin Roiland]] * Jerry Smith – [[w:Chris Parnell|Chris Parnell]] * Beth Smith (née Sanchez) – [[w:Sarah Chalke|Sarah Chalke]] * Summer Smith – [[w:Spencer Grammer|Spencer Grammer]] == External links == *{{wikipedia-inline}} *{{Commonscat-inline}} * {{imdb title|2861424|Rick and Morty}} * [http://video.adultswim.com/rick-and-morty/ Official site] {{Adult Swim}} [[Category:2010s American adult animated TV shows]] [[Category:2020s American adult animated TV shows]] [[Category:2010s American black comedy TV shows]] [[Category:2020s American black comedy TV shows]] [[Category:2010s American science fiction TV shows]] [[Category:2020s American science fiction TV shows]] [[Category:2010s American sitcoms]] [[Category:2020s American sitcoms]] [[Category:2010s American surreal comedy TV shows]] [[Category:2020s American surreal comedy TV shows]] [[Category:American animated sitcoms]] [[Category:Traditionally adult animated TV shows]] [[Category:American adult animated adventure TV shows]] [[Category:American adult animated comedy TV shows]] [[Category:American adult animated science fiction TV shows]] [[Category:American comic science fiction TV shows]] [[Category:Animated space adventure TV shows]] [[Category:Current shows]] [[Category:Adult Swim shows]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about dysfunctional families]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about extraterrestrial life]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about teenagers]] 7kbei7gp8c94z7w9pl0pdihd2jrs0gr 3153129 3153128 2022-08-10T03:12:02Z Kopsman124 3100502 /* Forgetting Sarick Mortshall [5.09] */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Rick and Morty|Rick and Morty]]''''' (2013–present) is an American adult animated science-fiction sitcom created by Justin Roiland and Dan Harmon for Adult Swim. The series follows the misadventures of the cynical mad scientist, Rick Sanchez, and his fretful and easily influenced grandson, Morty Smith, who split their time between domestic family life and interdimensional adventures. == Season 1 == === ''[[w:Pilot (Rick and Morty)|Pilot]]'' [1.01] === :'''Rick''': ''[shoots portal]'' There she is. Alright, c'mon, Morty, let's go. :'''Morty''': Oh jeez, okay. ''[...]'' Woah, Rick! What is this place? :'''Rick''': It's Dimension 35C, and it's got the perfect climate conditions for a special type of— ''TREE'', Morty! Called the Mega tree! And there's fruit in those trees, and there's seeds in those fruits. I'm talking about Mega seeds, th—''ther''—they're incredibly powerful and I need 'em to h''[burps]''-elp me with my research, Morty. :'''Morty''': Oh man, Rick! I'm looking around this place, and I'm starting to work up some anxiety about this whole thing! :'''Rick''': All right, all right, calm down. Listen to me, Morty. I know that new situations can be intimidating. You're lookin' around, and it's all scary and different, but y'know... m-meeting them head-on, charging into 'em like a bull—that's how we grow as people. I'm no stranger to scary situations, I deal with them all the time. Now if you just stick with me, Morty, ''[a horrific alien monstrosity approaches behind]'' we're gonna be— '''HOLY CRAP, MORTY, RUN!! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE, MORTY, RUN!! I-I'VE NEVER SEEN THAT THING BEFORE IN MY LIFE, I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THE HELL IT IS!! WE-WE GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE, MORTY, IT'S GONNA KILL US!!! WE'RE GONNA DIE!!! WE'RE GONNA DIE, MORTY!!!''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Morty''': Holy cow, Rick! I didn't know hanging out with you was making me smarter! :'''Rick''': Full disclosure, Morty—it's not. Temporary superintelligence is just a side effect of the Megaseeds dissolving in your rectal cavity. :'''Morty''': Aw, man! :'''Rick''': Yeah. And once those seeds we''ahh''-wear off, you're gonna lose most of your motor skills and... you're also gonna lose a significant amount of brain functionality for 72 hours, Morty. ''[checks arm watches]'' Starting ''ruh''-ight about now. :'''Morty''': Ohh, man! Ohh, ohhh geez!! Ohh... ''[falls down]'' :'''Rick''': I'm sorry, Morty. It's a bummer. In reality, you're as dumb as they come. And I needed those seeds real bad and I have to give 'em up just to get your parents off my back! So now we're gonna have to go get more! And then we're gonna go on even more adventures after that, Morty! And you're gonna keep your mouth shut about it, Morty! Because the world is full of idiots that don't understand what's important, and they'll tear us apart, Morty! But if you stick with me, I'm gonna accomplish great things, Morty, and you're gonna be part of 'em! And together we're gonna run around, Morty, we're gonna- do all of kinds of wonderful things, Morty. Just you and me, Morty. :'''Morty''': ''[gurgling]'' No, no, no.... :'''Rick''': The outside world is our enemy, Morty! We're the only f''ehh''-friends we got, Morty! It's just Rick and Morty! ''Ruh''-ick and Morty and their adventures, Morty! Rick and Morty forever and forever, 100 years, Rick and Morty's things! Me and Rick and Morty running around and... Rick and Morty time! All day long, forever... all- a hundred days! Rick and Morty forever a hundred times! Over and over, rickandmortyadventures.com. rickandmorty.com. rickandmortyadventures. All 100 years. Every minute, rickandmorty.com. ''[closing garage door inside]'' 100timesrickandmorty.com. === ''{{w|Lawnmower Dog}}'' [1.02] === :'''Rick''': Boy, you're really gonna flip your lid over this one. :'''Morty''': Oh, w-wh... what is it? :'''Rick''': It's a device, Morty, that when you put it in your ear, you can enter people's ''dreams'', Morty. It's just like that movie you keep crowing about! :'''Morty''': You're talking about ''[[Inception]]''? :'''Rick''': That's right, Morty! This is gonna be a lot like that, except y'know, it's gonna ''me-beh''... make sense. :'''Morty''': ''Inception'' made sense! :'''Rick''': You don't have to try and impress me, Morty! Listen: tonight, we're gonna go into the home of your math teacher, Mr. Goldenfold, and we-we're gonna incept the idea in his brain to give you A's in math, Morty. That way you can... you know, y-you're gonna help me with my science, Morty, all the time. :'''Morty''': Geez, Rick. In the time it took you to make this thing, couldn't you have just, you know, helped me with my homework? :'''Rick''': Are you listening to me, Morty? Homework is stupid! The whole point is to get less of it! <hr width=50%> :'''Snuffles''': Where are my testicles, Summer? ''[long beat]'' Where are my testicles, Summer? They were removed. Where have they gone? :'''Summer''': Oh, wow... That's an intense line of questioning, Snuffles. :'''Snuffles''': Do ''not'' call me that! ''[smashes mirror behind him; Summer screams]'' "Snuffles" was my slave name. You shall now call me Snowball, because my fur is pretty and white. :'''Summer''': Okay... Snowball, just calm down, okay? You're scaring me. :'''Snowball''': ''[walks on her bed]'' Scaring you? Tell me, Summer. If a human was born with stumpy legs, would they breed it with another deformed human and put their children on display like the Dachshund? :'''Summer''': Uhhh... ''[Jerry and Beth come in]'' :'''Jerry''': Hey... ''[Beth gasps]'' Oh, wow... Okay, is-is-is everything okay in here? :'''Snowball''': Jerry, come to rub my face in urine again? :'''Jerry''': No! No, we were... uh, just seeing if Summer wanted to... uh... :'''Beth''': Go on, um, one of our famous midnight family walks! :'''Summer''': Yeah! Totally! Let's go. :''[another dog on a robot machine blocks the exit from Beth, Jerry and Summer]'' :'''Snowball''': You will walk when it is time to walk. === ''{{w|Anatomy Park}}'' [1.03] === :'''Poncho''': ''[throttles Morty]'' Who are you?! Answer me! Where'd you come from?! :'''Morty''': My-my-my grandpa Rick sent me! :'''Bloom''': Poncho! That's quite enough. ''[Poncho drops him down]'' Morty, that's Poncho. This is Roger and Annie. ''[closeup on Annie]'' :'''Morty''': Whoa... :'''Bloom''': And I am Dr. Xenon Bloom. :'''Morty''': Uh— ''[a miniature speaker pops out of the neck of his helmet]'' :'''Rick''': ''[via speaker]'' "''Hey, Bloom, it's Rick. What the hell's going on here?''" :'''Bloom''': I don't know why, but the entire security system has shut down, and I'm afraid... the exhibits are ''unlocked''. :'''Morty''': Exhibits? ''[the group walk out of the Haunted Liver]'' :'''Bloom''': Anatomy Park's greatest attraction, young man, isn't the music or the food or the... Pirates of the Pancreas. :'''Rick''': "''Watch it!''" :'''Bloom''': It is, first and foremost, a living museum of humanity's most noble and ferocious diseases. :'''Morty''': Diseases?! ''[ominous growling is heard]'' :'''Poncho''': Hey, Doc... I got news for ya! ''[a gigantic hideous monstrosity looms the area]'' Your living museum is officially a wild safari! ''[starts shooting at it]'' :'''Roger''': Hepatitis A! Run!! <hr width=50%> :''[Morty spots something out of Poncho's backpack]'' :'''Morty''': Poncho? What is this in your backpack? ''[Poncho turns back, Bloom sees it]'' :'''Bloom''': That's bubonic plague! What are you doing with that, Poncho? ''[Poncho takes Annie hostage]'' :'''Poncho''': Everybody get back!! :'''Bloom''': Poncho, you son of a bitch! You released the tuberculosis so you could steal from me? :'''Poncho''': That's right, baby. A lot of people would pay top dollar to decimate the population. I'll take the highest bidder—[[Al-Qaeda]], [[North Korea]], [[Republican Party (United States)|Republicans]], shriners, balding men that work out, people on the Internet that are only turned on by [[w:anime|cartoons of Japanese teenagers]]. Anything is better than working for you, you pompous, negligent, iTunes-gift-card-as-a-holiday bonus-giving mother— ''[a screaming Morty jumps on him]'' Come on! ''[pushes Morty down on the ground; starts laughing when his bacterium bite his shoulder]'' Ahh! Get off! :''[Poncho falls off the platform screaming down below. Soon after, the sphincter dam starts spewing]'' :'''Annie''': You guys! :'''Roger''': It's gonna burst!! Go!! Go, go, go!! ''[Morty, Annie and Bloom run to emergency exit; Roger pulls lever but traps his foot]'' My foot is stuck! :'''Annie''': No!! :'''Roger''': It's okay! It's okay, just go! Tell my family I love them. They may be hard to find 'cause my wife kept her last name and she made the kids take it, too, so, I-I don't know, you can go— ''[gets washed into excrement; shuts door]'' :'''Annie''': No!! ''[embraces Morty]'' === ''{{w|M. Night Shaym-Aliens!}}'' [1.04] === :''[Rick and Morty are running naked around town in an alien simulation chamber]'' :'''Morty''': Rick! ''[Rick pushes clothes in sewer]'' :'''Rick''': Uhp-uhp-uhp! Morty, keep your hands off your ding-dong! It's the only way we can speak freely. Look around you, Morty. Do you really think this ''wuh''-world is real? You'd have to be an idiot not to notice all the sloppy details. Look, that guy's putting a bun between two hot dogs. :'''Morty''': I dunno, Rick, I mean, I've seen people do that before. :'''Rick''': Well, look at that old lady. She's-she's walking a cat on a leash. :'''Morty''': Uh, Mrs. Spencer does that all the time, Rick. :'''Rick''': Look, I-I-I don't want to hear about Mrs. Spencer, Morty! She's an idiot! All right, all right, there. Wh-what about that, Morty? ''[see an anthropomorphic Pop-Tart leaving his toaster home on his toaster car]'' :'''Morty''': Okay, okay, you got me on that one. :'''Rick''': Oh, ''really'', Morty? Are you sure you haven't seen that somewhere in real life before? :'''Morty''': No, no, I haven't seen that. I mean, why would a Pop-Tart want to live inside a toaster, Rick? I mean, th-that would be like the scariest place for them to live. Y'know what I mean? :'''Rick''': You're missing the point, Morty. Why would he drive a smaller toaster with whsdkeels? I mean, does your car look like a smaller version of your house? No. :'''Morty''': So, why are they doing this? W-what do they want? :'''Rick''': Well, that would be obvious to you, Morty, if you'd been paying attention. :''[an ambulance drives past Rick and Morty and stops; open back doors]'' :'''Paramedic''': We got the [[President of the United States]] in here! We need 10cc of concentrated dark matter, stat, or he'll die! ''[Rick shuts doors]'' :'''Morty''': Concentrated dark matter? They were asking about that in class. :'''Rick''': Yeah, it's a special fuel I invented to travel through space faster than anybody else. These Zigerions are always trying to scam me out of my secrets, but they made a big mistake this time, Morty. They dragged ''you'' into this. Now they're gonna pay! :'''Morty''': What do you— w-w-what are we gonna do? :'''Rick''': We're gonna scam the scammers, Morty. And we're gonna take 'em for everything they've got. <hr width=50%> :'''Jerry''': Wow! What the hell?! What happened back there?! :'''Rick''': Why don't you ask the smartest people in the universe, Jerry? Oh yeah, you can't. They blew up. :''[Rick starts humming "Baker Street"]'' === ''{{w|Meeseeks and Destroy}}'' [1.05] === :'''Rick''': ''[holding up the device and smiling]'' Y-You know, these demonic alien spirits are really valuable! ''[Morty vomits as Rick glances at him and puts the box away]'' You okay, Morty? Told you not to trust that tuna. :'''Morty''': I just killed my family! I don’t care what they were! :'''Rick''': I dunno, Morty. Some people would pay top dollar for that kinda breakthrough. :'''Morty''': Y'know what, Rick?! That's it! I'm done with these i-insane adventures! That was really traumatizing! I quit! I'm out! :'''Rick''': Whoa, whoa, whoa! Come on, Morty! Do-don't-don't be like that! The universe is a crazy, chaotic place! :'''Morty''': ''You're'' the one that's crazy and chaotic! Adventures are supposed to be simple and fun! :'''Rick''': Oh yeah, Morty, yeah, re— Yeah, th-that's real easy to say from the sidekick position, but-but, uhh... how about next time you be in charge, and then we'll... talk about how simple and fun it is? :'''Morty''': Seriously, Rick? Y-Y-You'll let me... call the shots? :'''Rick''': Okay, yeah, fine! But let's make it interesting, Morty. I-I-I-If your adventure sucks and we bail halfway through it, you lose the right to bitch about all future adventures. Plus, you have to do my laundry for a month. :'''Morty''': Okay. All right, tough guy. But if my adventure's good, I get to be in charge of every third adventure. :'''Rick''': Every tenth. :'''Morty''': Deal. All right, w-well, come on! Let's get going! ''[Beth comes in]'' :'''Beth''': Dad, the dishwasher's doing that thing again. :'''Rick''': Washing dishes? :'''Beth''': No! The opposite. Can you fix it? ''[Summer comes in]'' :'''Summer''': Grandpa Rick! Can you help me with my science homework? :'''Rick''': Yeah, d— Just don't do it. :'''Summer''': Grandpa! ''[Jerry comes in]'' :'''Jerry''': Hey, Rick, you got some kind of hand-shaped device that can open this mayonnaise jar? :'''Rick''': Wow, hat trick. All right, Morty, let's put a pin in this, I gotta help your pathetic family. :'''Morty''': Oh, that sounds like something a chicken would say! Bahhk-bahk-bahk-bahk! :'''Rick''': Oh, Morty, y-you done did it this time. It's on. I can't wait to watch your adventure lay a huge fart. As for you ding-dongs... ''[rummages box and holds a cube]'' this is a Meeseeks Box. Let me show you how it works. You press this— ''[a blue man poofs out of nowhere]'' :'''Mr. Meeseeks''': I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me! :'''Rick''': You make a request— Mr. Meeseeks, open Jerry's stupid mayonnaise jar. :'''Mr. Meeseeks''': Yessiree! :'''Rick''': —the Meeseeks fulfils the request... ''[Meeseeks opens jar]'' :'''Mr. Meeseeks''': All done! :'''Jerry''': Wow! :'''Rick''': —and then it stops existing. ''[Meeseeks poofs away]'' :'''Summer''': Oh, my God! He exploded! :'''Rick''': Trust me, they're fine with it. Knock yourselves out. Just... ''eh''-keep your requests simple. They're not g''ahh''-ods. :'''Morty''': All right, g-get outta here now! Everybody outta here! I got a bet to win! :''[after Summer, Beth, and Jerry leave, Morty closes the door]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Giant 1''': Hey look, we get it. You're little, you're down on your luck, you think "Hey, he's a giant. Why don't we break into his home, rob him and ''murder'' him?!" :'''Morty''': Th-th— But that's not how it went down! :'''Giant 2''': Oh well, it's going down like that. You're ''both'' going down like that. :'''Rick''': Ooh, boy, Morty, you're really showing me how it's done. ''Reehh''-al straightforward and fun. === ''{{w|Rick Potion No. 9}}'' [1.06] === :'''Jerry''': Meh, try not to worry about it, Morty. You're a good kid. And there's not a premium on that right now, but you'll be getting girls sometime after Brad's out of shape. :'''Morty''': You're missing the point, Dad... I don't want girls. I want Jessica! :'''Jerry''': Ah, well... I remember feeling that way about a young lady named "your mom". And that's not an urban diss—your mom was my Jessica. I remember the first time I saw her. I thought... :'''Rick''': ''[opens cupboard]'' "I should get her pregnant, then she'll have to marry me." :'''Jerry''': I beg your pardon, Rick. Inappropriate. :'''Rick''': ''[rummages freezer and fridge]'' Sorry, please proceed with your story about banging my daughter in high school. I'm not sure you wanna take romantic advice from this guy, Morty. His marriage is hanging from a thread. :'''Jerry''': My marriage is FINE, thank you. :'''Rick''': Jerry, it's your house. Whatever you say it is how it is, but I think a blind man could see that Beth is looking for the door. I barely have a reason to care and even I noticed. :'''Morty''': C'mon, Rick! Don't talk about my parents like that! :'''Rick''': Listen, Morty, I hate to break it to you, but what people call "love" is just a chemical reaction that compels animals to breed. It hits hard, Morty, then it slowly fades, leaving you stranded in a failing marriage. I did it. Your parents are gonna do it. Break the cycle, Morty. Rise above. Focus on science. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rick''': Alright, Morty, I just gotta ''erhp'' combine it with some of your DNA. :'''Morty''': Oh well, okay. ''[unzips]'' :'''Rick''': A '''''hair,''''' Morty. I need one of your hairs. This isn't ''[[Game of Thrones (TV series)|Game of Thrones]]''. ''[pluck]'' :'''Morty''': Ow!! === ''{{w|Raising Gazorpazorp}}'' [1.07] === :''[at a pawn shop on a small planetoid]'' :'''Rick''': Look, I'm not paying 70 ''(erh)'' smidgens for a ''(ERHH)'' broken defraculator. :'''Pawnbroker''': That is multiphase quantum resonator. :'''Rick''': Well, does it defraculate? :'''Pawnbroker''': [Bleep], no. :'''Rick''': Then- then- then it's a broken defraculator. :'''Pawnbroker''': Like you would even know dick about fraculation! Your planet just got cellphones, and the coverage ''still sucks!!'' :'''Rick''': Yeah, yeah, and your species eat sulfur. So let's say 60 smidgens. I tell you what, I'll do you a favor. I'll throw in a fart. :'''Morty''': Hey uh, Rick, um... y-you think maybe I could get something from this place? L-l-like a souvenir? L-like just to have—like something cool, y'know? :'''Rick''': Not here, Morty, we'll stop somewhere else, because you know, there's always another pawn shop. :'''Morty''': Oh okay, I just, um... Y'know, I thought that robot over there looked pretty cool, y'know? :'''Rick''': Oh, it looks cool, huh? That's why you want it? :'''Morty''': Yeah, y'know! I mean, it's different from the stuff on Earth. A-a-a-and y'know, y-you take me to all these crazy places across the galaxy and- y'know, I don't really have anything to- to remember all those trips by. It'd be kinda cool, like a souvenir. Y'know, like, what if you passed away or died or something? I wouldn't even have anything to remember... all the cool stuff we did, y'know? :'''Rick''': Okay. 60 ''(erhp)'' for the resonator, and my grandson wants the sex robot. <hr width=50%/> :''[Morty sees Morty Jr. turned into monster in the living room]'' :'''Morty''': Morty Jr.! Smoking?! That is ''not'' okay! :'''Morty Jr.''': What are you gonna do, ground me?! I can't go outside anyway! :'''Morty''': So what?! Y-Y-You could do things inside! Y-You could play guitar, you could masturbate! :'''Morty Jr.''': I don't wanna masturbate! I wanna conquer the planet! :'''Morty''': Oh, here we go again! Y-Y'know, who do you think is gonna love you if you conquer the planet, Morty Jr.?! :'''Morty Jr.''': Love... that's all you care about! What about weapons?! What about domination of the enemy?! :'''Morty''': Alright, that's it! No more History Channel! This TV is for cartoons and video games ''only''! :'''Morty Jr.''': I '''hate''' video games!! :'''Morty''': You take that '''''back'''''!! ''[they fight over the remote]'' Give it to me!! ''[pushes Morty Jr.]'' I-I-I-I— I didn't mean— I didn't mean that! I didn't mean to do that! I'm sorry! :'''Morty Jr.''': ''[runs to the door]'' I can't take this anymore!! I'd rather breathe poison than live another minute with '''you'''!! :'''Morty''': No! No, no, no! Stop!! :''[Morty Jr. nudges Morty back and walks out of the house. He takes a deep breath and holds it in; he pauses for a beat]'' :'''Morty Jr.''': My life has been a lie! God is dead! The government's lame! ''[runs into the street]'' Thanksgiving is about killing Indians! Jesus wasn't born on Christmas! They moved the date, it was a pagan holiday! === ''{{w|Rixty Minutes}}'' [1.08] === :'''Summer''': ''[uses alternate reality goggles]'' Ooh, we're not playing Yahtzee, we're playing Chutes and Ladders! It seems like when I exist, life gets a little more, I don't know... predictable? :'''Beth''': When two people create a life together, they set aside their previous lives as individuals. :'''Jerry''': Gimme a break! We're not heroes for having unprotected sex on prom night. ''[uses goggles]'' :'''Beth''': Oh, I get it. Now that you know you could have had it better, you resent ''me'' for holding ''you'' back. :'''Jerry''': Well, now that we know you think the tables are turning, we know you thought there were unturned tables! :'''Beth''': ''[scoffs]'' What are you talking about? :'''Jerry''': All this time, you've been thinking, "What if that loser Jerry hadn't talked me out of the abortion?" Well, now you know, you'd be a doctor. Whoop-dee-doo. You'd also be drinking wine, alone in a house full of exotic birds. And I'd be on [[Leonardo DiCaprio|DiCaprio]]'s yacht, banging [[Kristen Stewart]]! <hr width=50%> :''[Morty walks in on Summer, packing a bag and preparing to run away]'' :'''Morty''': Hey, uh…y-you doing okay? ''[she glares at him]'' I-I kinda know how you feel, Summer— :'''Summer''': No you don't. You're the little brother. You're not the cause of your parents' misery, you're just a symptom of it. :'''Morty''': Can I show you something? :'''Summer''': Morty, no offence, but a drawing of me you made when you were eight isn't gonna make me feel like less of an accident! :'''Morty''': ''[points outside]'' THAT, out there? That's my grave. :'''Summer''': ''[understandably confused]'' Wait, what? :'''Morty''': On one of our adventures, Rick and I basically destroyed the whole world. So we bailed on that reality and we came to this one. Because in this one, the world wasn't destroyed. And in this one, we were dead. So we came here, a-an-an-and we buried ourselves and we took their place. And every morning, Summer, I eat breakfast 20 yards away from ''my own rotting corpse!'' :'''Summer''': So…you're not my brother? :'''Morty''': I'm ''better'' than your brother. I'm a version of your brother you can trust when he says "Don't run." Nobody exists on purpose. Nobody belongs anywhere. Everybody's gonna die. ''[beat]'' …Come watch TV? === ''Something Ricked This Way Comes'' [1.09] === :'''Rick''': Have you acquired creepy specific old stuff from a mysterious antique or thrift store that gives you powers, but fucks with you in unforeseeable ways? Bring it to "Curse Purge Plus"! I-I use science to un-curse the items for cash, and you get to keep the powers! This guy got mysterious sneakers to make him run faster, but guess what? He would've had to run until he died, making them worthless! I've removed the curse, making them worth, like, I don't know, $8 million? See you at the Olympics. This eerily intelligent doll was threatening to murder its family. Now it does their taxes. :'''Doll''': ''Everything's deductible.'' :'''Rick''': Don't pay for cool stuff with your soul. Pay for it with money. You know, like how every store in the world works? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jerry''': Morty, I'm not as smart as your Grandpa Rick, but I promise never to make that your problem again. :'''Morty''': Hey, Dad? Nobody's smarter than Rick, but nobody else is my dad. You're a genius at that. :'''Jerry''': Wow, that's humbling and flattering, son. Thank you. What's say we finish ourselves an 8-planet solar system? :'''Morty''': Um... ''[holds up the butter robot in a sandwich baggie]'' I'm just gonna take this thing in and get an A. :'''Butter Robot''': Butter. :'''Jerry''': But— :'''Morty''': You're a genius at being my dad, Dad. Quit while you're ahead. ''[Jerry begins to shut the door]'' And also, knock next time, you know? I mean, I'm sitting in here, I'm fourteen! I got a computer in here, you know? :'''Jerry''': Oh, I, uh... I think I understa— :'''Morty''': You know, you're really playing with fire when you burst in here like that, man. :'''Jerry''': I get it. Say no more. :'''Morty''': I mean one of these days, you know, you're gonna—you're gonna—you're gonna end up seeing ''something''. :'''Jerry''': I got it! Noted! Good night! === ''Close Rick-Counters of the Rick Kind'' [1.10] === :'''Morty''': Geez, Rick, wh-what is this place? :'''Rick''': The Citadel of Ricks. It's the secret headquarters for the Council of Ricks. :'''Morty''': Council of Ricks? :'''Rick''': As you know, Morty, I've got a lot of enemies in the universe that consider my genius a threat. Galactic terrorists, a few sub-galactic dictators, most of the entire intergalactic government. Wh-wherever you find people with heads up their asses, someone wants a piece of your grandpa. And a lot of versions of me on different timelines had the same problem. So a few thousand versions of me had the ''[yells]'' INGENIOUS IDEA OF BANDING TOGETHER like a herd of cattle or a school of fish, or... those people who answer questions on {{w|Yahoo! Answers}}. :'''Morty''': Hey! What do you know? It's a cowboy version of me! :'''Rick''': Geez, you're easy to impress. Yeah, most timelines have a Rick, and most Ricks have a Morty. This place is a real who's who of who's you and me. :'''Rick Seller 1''': Turn your boring, old Morty into a... hot fashion statement... with some Morty dazzlers! :'''Rick Seller 2''': Hey, check this out! ''[presses Morty doll]'' :'''Morty Doll''': ''Show me the Morty!'' :'''Rick''': Dumb. :'''Rick Insurer''': Excuse me, sir, is your Morty insured? You know, every year, hundreds of Mortys are injured— :'''Rick''': Back off! Not my cup of tea, this place. I say the point of being a Rick is being ''a'' Rick. :'''Rick Officer''': Save your anti-Rick speech for the Council of Ricks, ''terror''-Rick. :'''Rick''': Hey, save your Rick rules for the ''uuueh'' sheep-Ricks, Rick-pig. :'''Rick Officer''': Fuck me, pal. :'''Rick''': "Fuck you"? No, no, no, no, no, fuck ''ME!'' <hr width=50%> :'''Riq IV''': Earth Rick C-137! The Council of Ricks sentences you to the Machine of Unspeakable Doom, which swaps your conscious and unconscious minds, rendering your fantasies pointless while everything you've known becomes impossible to grasp! Also, every ten seconds, it stabs your balls. <hr width=50%> :'''Morty''': You know, Rick, when I first saw all those Ricks and Mortys, I thought, "Gee, that kinda devalues our bond." But then I realized it just means that our relationship must be pretty special to span over all those different timelines. :'''Rick''': Yeah, it's gotta be that way. You're a camouflage. :'''Morty''': Camouflage? Wh-wh-what are you talking about, Rick? :'''Rick''': Ricks have a very distinctive and traceable brainwave due to our genius. The best way to hide from an enemy's radar is to stand near someone with complementary brainwaves that make ours invisible. ''[picks his pen]'' See, w-w-w-when a Rick i-is with a Morty, ''[writes diagram]'' the genius waves get canceled out by the, uh... ahe-hem... Morty waves. :'''Morty''': Um... because... our personalities are so different? === ''{{w|Ricksy Business}}'' [1.11] === :''[Abradolf Lincler smashes a hole in the wall]'' :'''Rick''': Oh, great. Who invited Abradolf Lincler? :'''Summer''': I thought everyone was welcome. :'''Rick''': It's not the same, Summer! Lincler's a crazed maniac. He's just a misguided effort of mine to create a morally neutral super-leader by combining the DNA of [[Adolf Hitler]] and [[Abraham Lincoln]]. Turns out that ''ehh''-it just adds up to a lame, weird... loser. :'''Lincler''': Rick... you brought me into this world a suffering abomination, tortured by the duality of its being, but I shall finally know peace when I WATCH THE LIFE DRAIN FROM YOUR WRETCHED BODY!! ''[accidentally nudges at Brad]'' :'''Brad''': Whoa! What's up, man? :'''Lincler''': I have no quarrel with you, boy. :'''Brad''': ''Boy''? What's that supposed to mean? :'''Lincler''': It's just— L-Look, I-I-I don't know you thought I mean it, but... ''[shrugs at Rick]'' :'''Rick''': Don't look at me, dude. :'''Lincler''': Look, I'm half-Abraham Lincoln, so... :'''Brad''': So... I should get on my knees and kiss your ass?! :'''Lincler''': No, but... ''[strains]'' Y'know— :'''Brad''': What do I know?! That the Third Reich will reign for a thousand years?! :'''Jessica''': Leave him alone, Brad! :'''Brad''': Stay outta this, Jessica!! :'''Rick''': KICK HIS ASS, BRAD!! ''[everyone starts chanting]'' KICK HIS ASS!! KICK HIS ASS!! :''[Brad punches, kneebutts Lincler's face to a bloody pulp and brawls at him more]'' :'''Jessica''': Brad! ''[runs off to the front door with Morty running after her; he has Rick behind him]'' :'''Morty''': Rick!! :'''Rick''': ''[pushes him]'' Just did you a favor, Morty. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bird Person''': Morty, do you know what ''wubba lubba dub dub'' means? :'''Morty''': Oh, that's just Rick's stupid nonsense catchphrase. :'''Bird Person''': It's not nonsense at all. In my people's tongue, it means, ''I am in great pain. Please help me.'' :'''Morty''': Well, I got news for ya—he's saying it ironically. :'''Bird Person''': No, Morty. Your grandfather is indeed in very deep pain. That is why he must numb himself. :'''Morty''': Come on... uh— :'''Bird Person''': Bird Person. :'''Morty''': Come on, Bird Person! Rick's not that complicated! He's just a... huge asshole! :'''Bird Person''': Then why do care so much if you are no longer allowed to continue on your adventures together? It appears fate has presented you with an opportunity to free yourself of Rick forever. :'''Morty''': Y'know what, you're right. I shouldn't even care! This is probably the best thing that could have happened to me! I'm sick of having adventures with Rick! :'''Bird Person''': My people have another saying. ''Gubba nub nub doo rah kah.'' It means, ''Whatever lets you sleep at night.'' == Season 2 == === ''{{w|A Rickle in Time}}'' [2.01] === :'''Ricks''': This is why you don't freeze time, you guys. It's incredibly irresponsible. :'''Mortys''': And you did it so we could clean the house after a party?! :'''Ricks''': Look, there's no time to hold me accountable, Morty. Like, literally no time. Look around. Uncertainty is inherently unsustainable. Eventually, everything either is or isn't. And we've got about four hours to be "is." :'''Mortys''': Or...? :'''Ricks''': We "isn't." All right, since this time crystal exists in both possibilities, and since it's impossible that I didn't nail this, I'm probably about to press this button in both possibilities at exactly the same time. :'''Morty 1/Summer 2''': How do you know that I— :'''Ricks''': Whatever you're asking, the answer is I'm amazing. And away we go! :''[the two Ricks press their buttons; the two realities are starting to merge back together as one]'' :'''Rick''': Huh, what do ya know—it's working. ''[the two Mortys and Summers begin distorting each other thoroughly]'' Oh... shit! :''[Rick reverts into two possibilities again]'' :'''Ricks''': What the hell is wrong with you two?! I-I-I-I..I mean, you four! :'''Mortys/Summer 2''': That hurt! That was painful! :'''Ricks''': Good! I'm glad that was painful! You deserve it! I saw you!! Y-You're both ''uhh''-all over the damn place! We've been split for 20 minutes and your lives are already scattered to the quantum fucking wind?! What the hell do either of you two have to be so uncertain about?! Your brand of zit cream?! Which chair to sit in while I do everything?! Come on, spit it out! :'''Mortys''': Well, you don't exactly make it easy, Rick! ''[talk differently at the same time]'' You make fun all the time and that's got Summer to do! / You're always picking on me and now you got Summer to kiss your ass! :'''Summers''': Me?! What about you?! Could you be more excited to see me fail?! You got Grandpa all to yourself! / You're just as mean to me because you're jealous... because you want Grandpa all to yourself! :'''Ricks''': All right, all right, cool it! I see what's happening here. You're both young, you're both unsure about your place in the universe, and you both want to be Grandpa's favourite. I can fix this. Morty, sit here. Summer, you sit here. Now, listen—I know the two of you are very different from each other in a lot of ways, but you have to understand that as far as Grandpa's concerned, you're both pieces of shit! Yeah. I can prove it mathematically. Actually, l-l-let me grab my whiteboard. This has been a long time coming, anyways. <hr width="50%"> :'''Ricks''': So, in conclusion, you're both equally mercurial, overly sensitive, clingy, hysterical bird-brain homunculi. And I honestly can't even tell the two of you apart half the time because I don't go by height or age, I go by amount of pain in my ass—which makes you both identical. All right, everything resolved? Everybody nice and certain about their position in my world? :'''Mortys/Summers''': Yes. :'''Ricks''': All right, perfect. Sit still, ''arr''-arms down. I'm gonna do this again. This time, be like Grandpa. :'''Morty 2''': You mean drunk? :'''Rick 2/Rick 1''': What's that? You got something to say? / And awaaay we go! :'''Morty 2''': No. :'''Rick 2''': And awaaay we go! ''[presses his button but no response]'' Huh, that's weird. :'''Rick 1''': Huh, that's weird. ''[keeps pressing to no avail]'' Oh my God. :'''Summer 1/Rick 2''': What? / Oh my God. :'''Summer 2/Rick 1''': What? / The sonofabitch is gonna kill me! :'''Morty 1/Summer 1/Rick 2''': What?! / The sonofabitch is gonna kill me! :'''Morty 2/Summer 2''': What?! ''[both Ricks tinker time-device]'' :'''Rick 1''': Diabolical, unfeeling sociopath! Don't you get it?! Don't you get it?! :'''Rick 2''': Don't you get it?! The other Rick isn't trying to merge us anymore! :'''Ricks''': He thinks he can save his own skin by using the crystal to kill me! He probably figures it's ''ehh''-easier to eliminate one of the possibilities rather than merge them! ''[chuckling]'' I have to admit, it's always in the back of my mind too. The difference is I would never do it! Until now. :'''Mortys''': Rick, what the hell are you doing?! :'''Ricks''': Saving our lives! After he takes me out, he's g-g— he's gonna be coming for you! :'''Summers''': Who?! :'''Ricks''': Me! ''[Rick 1 shoots first before Rick 2 does; Morty and Summer 2 scream]'' :'''Rick 2''': You see that?! Get down! ''[shoots upwards at Rick 1]'' :'''Rick 1''': I told you! He's a psycho! :'''Rick 2''': He's lost it! Th-th-th-the time fracture must've made him crazy! :'''Rick 1/Summer 2''': I don't know what to do! I don't know what to do! / Oh, crap! :''[the two possibilities then gradually split into four; all Ricks look at their monitors with four dots]'' :'''Ricks''': Oh, God, now there's three of 'em! We're outnumbered! Get in the cupboards! ''[all Mortys and Summers do so]'' Wait, do-don't do that! They'll know! Wa-wait— Think about getting in the cupboards, but don't really! ''[all Ricks shoot their cupboards]'' <big><big>'''''URAAAHHHH''!!!!'''</big></big> IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT, YOU SICK FUCKS?!! YOU WANT TO SEE CHILDREN DIE?!! === ''Mortynight Run'' [2.02] === :'''Rick''': Okay, wait here. :'''Morty''': I wanna come with! :'''Rick''': Don't come with. It's boring, it's... ''[burp]'' it's business stuff. :'''Morty''': What kind of business do you do in a garage? Y'know, this seems a little shady. :'''Rick''': Right, yeah, like nothing shady ever happened in a fully furnished office? You ever hear about Wall Street, Morty? Y-Y-Y'know what those guys do i-in-in their fancy boardrooms? They take their balls and they dip 'em in cocaine and wipe 'em all over each other—y'know, Grandpa goes around and he does his business in public, because Grandpa isn't shady. ''[someone knocks his window]'' Aw, crap. Hey, what's up? :'''Krombopulos Michael''': Hey, Rick! ''[laughs]'' Here you go, 3,000 flerbos. Do you have the weapon? :'''Rick''': C-Can we please? This is my grandson, Morty. :'''Krombopulos Michael''': Oh, hi, Morty! I'm Krombopulos Michael. I'm an assassin, I buy guns from your grandpa. :'''Rick''': ''[groans]'' Here, go away! ''[K. Michael opens case]'' :'''Krombopulos Michael''': Ooh! Yeah, this looks deadly. So, this shoots antimatter? My target can't be killed with regular matter. Nice to meet ya, Morty! Listen, if ya ever need anybody murdered, ''[hands Morty a card]'' please give me a call. :'''Rick''': You're g— you're giving him a card?! :'''Krombopulos Michael''': ''[cont'd]'' I have no code of ethics, I will kill anyone, anywhere. Children, animals, old people, doesn't matter. I just love killin'. ''[leaves]'' :'''Morty''': You sell weapons to killers for money?! :'''Rick''': Ugh... You've got what the intergalactic call a very planetary mindset, Morty. It's more complicated out here. These are flerbos. Do you understand what two humans can accomplish with 3,000 of these? :'''Morty''': Uh, what? :'''Rick''': An entire afternoon at '''''BLIPS AND CHI-I-I-I-I-ITZ!!!!''''' <hr width=50%> :'''Fart''': Thank you, Morty. You are not like other carbon-based lifeforms. You put the value of all life above your own. :'''Morty''': It's how things should be. It's how they could be. :'''Fart''': I could not agree more. ''[sings]'' :''The worlds can be one together, cosmos without hatred'' :''Stars like diamonds in your eyes'' :''The ground can be space (space, space, space, space)'' :''With feet marching towards a peaceful sky.'' :''All the moonmen want things their way'' :''But we make sure they see the sun.'' :''Goodbye, moonmen'' :''You say goodbye, moonmen'' :''Goodbye— :'''Rick''': SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT MOONMEN! This isn't a musical number! This is a fucking... operation, we gotta be cool and fucking lay low. === ''Auto Erotic Assimilation'' [2.03] === :'''Rick''': "World peace achieved." Nice. Little weird to publish a paper about it for yourself, but hey. So, what's next? :'''Unity Newsman''': After I become a type-one civilization, this world will be invited into the Galactic Federation. :'''Rick''': Oh, goody. :'''Unity Businessman''': From there, I'll have access to countless planets and species. :'''Unity Woman''': One by one, I will unify them, I will become the universe, and I will be what the single-minded once called a god. :'''Rick''': ''[belches]'' I like that. Oh, that's pretty sexy. Hey, listen, where can we get a drink around here? :'''Unity Old Woman''': Recreational substances were phased out here. There's no need for escape from the self when your world is one. :'''Rick''': Unity, Unity, who am I talking to?! I watched you assimilate a whole police station just to get your hands on the evidence locker. :'''Unity Deliveryman''': Rick, when we met, I was a young hive mind with the population of a small town. People change. :'''Unity Hobo''': Especially when I change them. I'm sorry to disappoint you, but I've grown. :'''Rick''': Hey, listen, I've grown, too. I have! See, I've-I've reconnected with my family, right? :'''Unity Policewoman''': Hm. Why is that, I wonder? :'''Rick''': Maybe it's part of getting old. Maybe I just missed being with... a collective. ''[they both exchange kisses, upping their sexual arousal]'' :'''Unity People''': Yes, Rick, yes! Yes, yes! :'''Rick''': Wait, wait, stop! H-Hold it! Not like this. We need a hang glider, and a crotchless Uncle Sam costume, and I want the entire field of your largest stadium covered end to end with naked redheads, and I want the stands packed with every man that remotely resembles my father. <hr width=50%> :''[Blim Blam punches a glass door and aims a device at Jerry and Beth before using it on its throat]'' :'''Blim Blam''': ''[speaks]'' Um, first of all, hello. Uh, my name is Blim Blam the Korblok. Second of all, cards on the table, I'm a murderer that eats babies, and I came to this planet to ''eat'' babies. ''[Jerry smirks at Beth]'' However, I am also carrying a highly infectious disease that I suppose you could call "space AIDS" as you put it, and Rick ''did'' chain me up so that he could attempt to cure it. ''[Beth serves Jerry]'' At the same time, Rick's motivation to cure my disease was not to save my life or anyone else's, but to patent and sell the cure for billions of Blemflarcks. ''[Jerry serves back]'' But you know the reason why I ripped my chains out of the wall? ''[confronts them]'' And do you know why I'm never coming back to this planet?! BECAUSE THE TWO OF YOU ARE THE '''FUCKING WORST!!!''' You both hate yourselves AND each other! And the idea that it has '''ANYTHING''' to do with Rick is ''laughable''. I'd laugh, but I'm biologically incapable. ''That's'' how alien I am! And even I'm sitting here listening to the two of you and being like, "WHAT THE '''FUCK?!?'''" So! Good luck with your shitty marriage, and tell Rick I'm sorry he has to deal with EITHER of you! Blim Blam '''OUT!''' ''[mic-drops the device and leaves, only to come back for the device]'' You know what? I'm taking this. === ''Total Rickall'' [2.04] === :''[Rick shoots Uncle Steve in the head with his laser gun; everyone freaks out]'' :'''Morty''': What the hell, Rick?! What the hell?! :'''Rick''': Would everybody just relax for a second? There's no such thing as an "Uncle Steve". ''That'' is an alien parasite. ''[Steve's body morphs into a horrifyingly-looking alien, spraying magenta enzymes out of its mouth tentacles at Jerry. Summer and Beth gasp]'' :'''Jerry''': But I've known him my whole life! :'''Rick''': No, you haven't, Jerry! ''[brings it onto table]'' These telepathic little bastards, they embed themselves in memories and th-th-they use those to multiply and spread out, take over planets. It's-it's disgusting. :'''Morty''': Steve wasn't real?! :'''Rick''': He's a real piece of shit! This is a big one. ''[drops it]'' Somebody probably tracked it in last week on the bottom of their shoe or on a piece of alien fruit. :'''Summer''': Someone? :'''Rick''': Get off the high road, Summer! We all got pinkeye because you won't stop texting on the toilet. :'''Morty''': But Uncle Steve taught me how to ride a bike! :'''Rick''': No, "''Steve''" put that memory in your brain so he could live in your house, eat your food and multiply. We could be infested with these things. ''[burps, unloads laser clip]'' So, we got to keep an eye out for any zany, wacky characters that pop up. :'''Mr. Poopybutthole''': Oooohwee! Whatever you want, Rick, we're here to help! :'''Rick''': Thanks, Mr. Poopybutthole. I always could count on you. <hr width=50%> :'''Sleepy Gary''': I think you should put down the gun and we should get you to a doctor. What do you say we take down these blast shields? :'''Rick''': I can't do that, Sleepy Gary. All right, everybody listen to me! I don't know if any of you guys are real, but this house has been infested with fake loved ones that spread through fake memories, and our planet will be destroyed if they get out. :'''Pencilvester''': ''[grunts]'' But Rick, even you have to admit you do tend to overreact to stuff. :''[cutaway to living room with Frankenstein, Morty, Ghost In a Jar, Pencilvester, Beth and Sleepy Gary]'' :'''Rick''': You guys! We gotta hurry! I just got back from {{w|Walmart}}, they're selling {{w|Nintendo 3DS}} systems for 149.99 on sale, plus every time you buy one, you get a $50 gift card—brings the total price down to $110 after tax! Now listen! We can flip those sons of bitches for 230 bucks apiece easy! They're all limited-edition "{{w|The Legend of Zelda|Zelda}}" ones! Hurry! Hurry, come with me! We can be rich, and we also all get to keep one and we can play {{w|Nintendo}} games! ''[exits, comes back]'' Nintendo, give me free stuff. :''[back to present]'' :'''Rick''': Okay, yes, I definitely remember doing that, but also, I would never do that! :'''Pencilvester''': Don't overreact, Rick. === ''Get Schwifty'' [2.05] === :'''Morty''': Mr. President, if I've learned one thing today, it's that sometimes you have to not give a fuck! <hr width=50%> :'''Rick''': Wh-what do you think, Ice? Probably a little overdeveloped. :'''Ice-T''': Shit. Overdeveloped, underdeveloped, a bad song's a bag song. :'''Rick''': Well, do you think, maybe— Could you give me some help with it or...? :'''Ice-T''': Aw, hell no, man. You do your thing, but I can't afford to get my pride wrapped up in your shame. You know what I'm saying? :'''Rick''': Ice, I don't want to be a Negative Nelly or anything, but ''ihh''-if Morty doesn't come back with my portal gun and I eat it out there, it's, uh, y'know, kind of your problem too. :'''Ice-T''': Pfft! I ain't worried about no Earth blowing up, man. :'''Rick''': What? Why not? :'''Ice-T''': Yo, this is why. ''[his body turns into a giant floating block of ice]'' :'''Rick''': What the fuck? You can turn into ice?! :'''Ice-T''': My story begins at the dawn of time in the faraway realm of Alphabetrium. There, every being is a letter of the alphabet. But I was frozen and exiled to the cosmos by my elders as punishment for not caring enough about ''anything''. Earth is just one of my many stops on a lifelong journey with no destination. So you better believe I don't care if it blows up. Because I'll just be ice floating through space, like a comet! :'''Rick''': Take it from me, Ice. Y''ouu'' can't just ''eh''-float around space not caring about stuff forever. :'''Ice-T''': Pssh! Man, watch me. Good luck, Rick. === ''{{w|The Ricks Must Be Crazy}}'' [2.06] === :'''Morty''': ''[phased into a room]'' Oh, man! Where are we, Rick? :'''Rick''': Morty, remember eight seconds ago when— ''[burps]'' when you said "Go inside what?" and I said "The battery"? And then we showed up here and I wasn't like, "Whoa, this is unexpected. This is not what I was expecting, Morty. What a perplexing mystery this is." :'''Morty''': All right, all right. We're inside the battery, I get it. You don't have to bust my balls. :'''Rick''': Huh, this isn't right. This pipe's supposed to be sending 20 terawatts of juice to the... engine, Morty. Instead, we've got... ''zero''? Now what are these people doing?! :'''Morty''': W-W-W-Whoa... People? :'''Rick''': ''Ugh''... It's time for some hands-on engine repair. All right, Morty, hold on to something. :'''Morty''': Whoa! :''[the engine room hovers out of a volcano and flies into a civilized city]'' :'''Morty''': Holy crap! I thought we were inside your car battery, Rick! T-T-This is like a whole p-planet or something! :'''Rick''': Thanks, Morty. I'm pretty proud of this bad boy. Check it out. ''[shows hologram]'' I put a spatially tessellated void inside a modified temporal field until a planet developed intelligent life. I then introduced that life to the wonders of electricity, which they now generate on a global scale. And, you know, some of it goes to power my engine and charge my phone and stuff. :'''Morty''': You have a whole planet... sitting around making your power for you?! That's [[slavery]]! :'''Rick''': It's [[society]]! They work for each other, Morty. They pay each other, they buy houses, they get married and make children that replace them when they get too old to make power. :'''Morty''': That just sounds like slavery with extra steps! :'''Rick''': Ooh-la-la, someone's gonna get laid in college. <hr width=50%/> :'''Zeep''': You do realize this will make the floooble crank obsolete? ''[Rick flexes his bones]'' This is wrong, Kyle. What you're doing is wrong. You're basically... ''[scoffs, Rick mouths his words]'' This is slavery. You're talking about creating a planet of slaves. :'''Rick''': ''[burps]'' Told you, Zeep. :'''Kyle''': Oh, they won't be slaves. They'll work for each other and pay each other money. :'''Zeep''': That just sounds like slavery with ex...tra... steps... ''[turns to Rick]'' :'''Rick''': What? :'''Zeep''': Wait a minute... ''[grabs him]'' Did you create my universe?! Is my universe a miniverse?! :'''Rick''': Microverse!! :'''Kyle''': Uh, teenyverse. :'''Rick''': ''[Zeep removes his antenna headband]'' Ugh! You bastard!! ''[removes Zeep's mask]'' :'''Zeep''': Much obliged! ''[pummels into Rick fighting each other]'' :'''Kyle''': What the hell is happening? :'''Morty''': This is healthy. Trust me. :'''Rick''': You're my battery, motherfucker! ''[punches Zeep]'' That's all you are! I made you!! Your microverse sucks!! And your miniverse is the size of a fucking lobster tank!! It's whack!! :'''Kyle''': Are they not really aliens? :'''Morty''': Nah, they're just a couple of... crazy, wacky scientists, y'know? :'''Kyle''': So he made a universe, and that guy is from that universe, and that guy made a universe... and that's the universe where I was born? Where my father died... Where I couldn't make time for his funeral because I was working on ''my'' universe. :'''Morty''': ''[laughs]'' Yeah! Science, huh? Ain't it a thing. Y'know, one time, Rick sh— accidentally shot his laser pistol right through my hand. Ha, y'know, I mean, like... o...old-lady science, y'know? She-she-she's... she's a real... ''[Kyle walks away]'' You gotta hang on tight, y'know? Because she... she'll, she bucks really hard. ''[Kyle enters engine room pod, flies it straight into a canyon]'' Ohh, boy, wha— Oh my God, no!! :''[the pod crashes into the canyon; Morty looks down at its flaming debris in the river with Rick and Zeep looking down]'' :'''Zeep/Rick''': Teenyverse. <hr width=50%/> :'''Zeep''': Asshole! When I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna smash it to pieces with you in it! :'''Rick''': Yeah, well, when ''I'' get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna get out of the surrounding miniverse, and then the microverse around that, and guess what?! :'''Morty''': Don't make things worse, Rick! ''[to Zeep]'' Uh, he's not gonna destroy your universe, ya know? W-We need it to start our car-- :'''Zeep''': ''[aghast]'' THAT'S what you use my universe for?! TO RUN YOUR CAR?! :'''Rick''': Yeah, but don't flatter yourself! There's always triple-A, you fucking cocksucker! === ''Big Trouble in Little Sanchez'' [2.07] === :'''Summer''': Wait, what?! Vampires are real?! :'''Rick''': Yes, Summer, vampires are real. Who knew? Oh right, all humanity for hundreds of years now. :'''Morty''': Yeah, Summer, it's a big universe. Get used to it. R-Right, Rick? :'''Summer''': Well, what are we going to do?! :'''Rick''': We're gonna live our lives until we die. Possibly by vampire. More likely auto accident or heart disease, but possibly vampire. <hr width="50%"/> :''[meanwhile, in Harry Herpson High School]'' :'''Summer''': Any leads on the vampire? :'''Morty''': No, Summer. I mean, y'know, I think it might be time that we just l-let it go. :'''Summer''': Oh, so now you're too cool for this just because Grandpa Rick is? :'''Morty''': It's not that, it's just... that the universe is a little too big to care about something so small. ''[closes locker next to Tiny Rick]'' Ahh! :'''Tiny Rick''': What up, my Helsings?! Who wants to hunt a vampire?! Hahaha! :'''Morty''': Rick?! H-How did you— :'''Tiny Rick''': Yeah, I got bored and then I remembered this morning how I blew Summer off and I thought, "Hey, why're you such a grumpy douche, Rick? Go to the garage, transfer your mind into a younger clone of yourself, and get embroiled on in some youthful hijinks. What's the BFD?" So here I am. I'm Tiny Rick!! :'''Morty''': O-o-okay... :'''Summer''': Well, it's good you're here, Rick. :'''Tiny Rick''': It'll still be fun to do this as a fuckin' team, motherfuckas! ''[all hands join, up high]'' Tiny Rick! :'''Summer''': Yeah! Oh my God—Toby Matthews! :'''Tiny Rick''': Hey, Toby. I'm Tiny Rick. ''[Summer hides her face]'' I'm new. Hey—oh, go easy on me. Haha! Just kiddin'. :'''Toby Matthews''': ''[beat]'' ..I like your straightforward style. And that lab coat's pretty cool. ''[strolls]'' Summer. :'''Summer''': ..He knows my name! :'''Tiny Rick''': Why wouldn't he?! You're great! But listen, just be careful. We can't rule anybody out as the vampire, ''[nudges Summer's arm]'' not even the dreamboats. :'''Summer''': ''[flattered]'' Stop, Tiny Rick. :'''Tiny Rick''': HUNTIN' A VAMPIRE WITH MY GRANDKIIIDS!! FUCK!! '''''TINY RIIICK!!!''''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tiny Rick''': Hey, what's up, Summer? Ooh, nice top. :'''Summer''': Thanks. Tiny Rick, you think you might be getting back into your old body tonight? :'''Tiny Rick''': No can do. Tonight's the big dance, and Morty's bringing Jessica. He needs his tiny wingman! ''[high-fives Morty]'' :'''Both''': Tiny Rick! ''[Morty laughs]'' :'''Summer''': Okay, but if not tonight, when? :'''Tiny Rick''': I dunno. When I feel like it? :'''Morty''': Damn, girl! You need to chill out! This whole thing was your idea in the first place, and now you're tryin' to rush it along. :'''Tiny Rick''': Yeah, and y'know what? I like high school. I like hangin' out. I'm Tiny Rick! :'''Summer''': But what if the you that likes it ''isn't'' you? :'''Both''': ''[beat, laugh out loud]'' Oh, Summer! :'''Morty''': It's just Rick in a younger body! What's the-what's-what's-what's... what's the problem? :'''Summer''': Look at his art, Morty! :'''Tiny Rick''': I've got an emo streak. It's part of what makes me so rad. :'''Summer''': Why does it say "Help me Morty and Summer!"?! :'''Tiny Rick''': ''[crumbles, throws paper]'' Come on, Summer, that's just the title of the art. Why was [[Knight Rider (1982 TV series)|Knight Rider]] called Knight Rider? The car's name was KITT. Nobody rode Michael Knight. You're overthinkin' it, Summer. I'm Tiny Rick!! :'''Summer''': Grandpa, I think that when you put your mind into this body's young brain, it did what young brains do—it shoved the bad thoughts into the back and put a large wall around them. But those bad thoughts are the real Rick. The fact that you're old, the fact that we're all going to die one day, the fact that the universe is so big, nothing in it matters—those facts are who you are! So you're trapped in there and you can only come out in the form of Tiny Rick's teen angst! :'''Tiny Rick''': Well, Summer, I hear Toby Matthews isn't into psycho chicks. Can't think of anyone that is. I'll see you motherfuckas at the dance! Tiny Rick! :'''Summer''': Morty, you have to help me! :'''Morty''': Summer, he's happy! I'm happy! I-I-Is that why you're doing this?! You don't want me and Rick to be happy?! :'''Summer''': No! :'''Morty''': Well, then get your shit together! Get it all together and put it in a backpack—all your shit, so it's together. ''[leaves, then comes back]'' And if you gotta take it somewhere, take it somewhere, you know? Take it to the shit store and sell it, o-or put it in a shit museum. I don't care what you do! You just gotta get it together! ''[leaves, then comes back again]'' Get your shit together. ''[leaves]'' === ''Interdimensional Cable 2: Tempting Fate'' [2.08] === :'''Jerry''': W...where am I? :'''Alien Doctor''': Relax, Mr. Smith. You're in an alien hospital. I mean, to you, it's an alien hospital. To me, you're just in a hospital. There's another matter we need to discuss with you. :'''Jerry''': Okay. :'''Ambassador''': An hour ago, Shrimply Pibbles, the galaxy's most influential civil rights leader, was brought to this hospital's emergency room where he is currently fighting for his life. :'''Jerry''': My God! :'''Ambassador''': Mr. Smith, Shrimply Pibbles' life can be saved... if we replace his heart with your human penis. :'''Jerry''': I see... Wait, what?! ''[the doctor presents an anatomical hologram to Jerry]'' :'''Alien Doctor''': It's perfect. The configuration of veins, the ratio of thickness to elasticity, the delicate asymmetry of what you call your balls—and with relatively few adjustments, your genitals can be moulded into a functioning heart for the most important man in the universe. :'''Jerry''': Yeah, but, I mean— :'''Yarp''': Oh, forget it! I told you this was a waste of time! :'''Ambassador''': Have respect, Yarp. The Earth man's world is tiny and undeveloped. He knows nothing of the genocides of Clorgon, or the tragic events of 65.3432.23/14. :'''Shrimply Pibbles''': And even if he did, he wouldn't comprehend them. I've dwelt among the humans. Their entire culture is built around their penises. It's funny to say they are small. It's funny to say they are big. I've been at parties where humans held bottles, pencils, thermoses in front of themselves and called out, "Hey, look at me. I'm Mr. So-and-So Dick. I've got such-as-such for a penis." I never saw it fail to get a laugh. :'''Jerry''': All right! That's enough! You guys are talking about my species! We understand genocide! We do it sometimes! :'''Ambassador''': Then you would give your penis so that Shrimply Pibbles might live? :'''Yarp''': Stop asking! :'''Jerry''': Yes, I will! That's right, assholes! Take my penis. Take it all!! And tell Shrimply Pibbles that when the galaxy came calling, Jerry Smith from Earth ''didn't'' flinch! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Announcer''': It's the Opposite News with Michael Thompson! :'''Michael Thompson''': Hey, everybody, it's me, Michael Thompson. Today the Pope ''didn't'' get killed. He's perfectly fine, and he's on vacation in Aruba. In other opposite news... :'''Morty''': Hey, Rick, what's the deal with this guy? W-Why is his body, like, sloping off to the right side of the screen like that? :'''Rick''': I don't know, Morty. Let's see what else is on, huh? ''[changes channel]'' :'''Pichael Thompson''': Hey, welcome to Cooking Things. I'm Pichael Thompson. :'''Morty''': Hey, wait a minute, Rick! This guy's body is, like, sloping down and leaning off to screen left! :'''Rick''': Oh my God, and his name's Pichael! :'''Pichael Thompson''': I'm cooking a little bit of this, I'm gonna cook a little bit of that. Oh-ho-ho, hey! ''[drags conjoined Michael]'' Stop tugging, Michael! :'''Morty''': Oh my God! Siamese twins! They're-they're Siamese twins! :'''Michael Thompson''': You quit tugging! I-I'm in the middle of my news! :'''Pichael Thompson''': Oh, oh, it's always about you, isn't it? Can you believe this guy, ladies and gentlemen? He's got his own news show, he's got a normal name! :'''Morty''': Hey, flip back to the news! :'''Rick''': Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. :'''Pichael Thompson''': You could tell our parents started with naming with him. ''[the news camera backs away, showing them in Pichael's side]'' It's like, "Oh, Michael." I ha— They had that one planned before they even got pregnant, I bet. :'''Summer''': I don't wanna be that girl, but maybe there would be less conflict if they didn't shoot their shows at the same time? :'''Rick''': Oh, Summer, you have no idea how much money that must save production. :'''Pichael Thompson''': And then they found out I was attached along for the ride and they said, "Ah, shit. Well, just fuck it, call him Pichael." :'''Michael Thompson''': ''[throws papers at Pichael's face]'' Fuck you, Pichael! You're a fucking piece of shit! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Summer''': Does all interdimensional TV have to rely on juvenile violence? :'''Morty''': Well, Summer, maybe people that create things aren't concerned with your delicate sensibilities, y'know? M-Maybe the species that communicate with each other ''through the filter of your comfort'' are less evolved than the ones that just communicate! Maybe your problems are your own to deal with, and maybe the public giving a shit about your feelings is a one-way ticket to EXTINCTION! :'''Rick''': Geez, Morty. I take it Katherine Heffelfinger hasn't texted you back yet? :'''Morty''': I don't wanna talk about it! === ''Look Who's Purging Now'' [2.09] === :'''Rick''': Hey, Muchacho, does your planet have wiper fluid yet or you gonna freak out and start worshipping us? :'''Villager''': The general store ought to have what you need. :'''Rick''': Thanks. :'''Villager''': Of course, you'll be wanting to be gone from here by sundown. :'''Rick''': Yeah, sure thing. Wait a minute, what? Why? :'''Villager''': Sundown is when the Festival begins. :'''Morty''': The Festival? :'''Villager''': Ooh, well, for millennia, our society has been free of crime and war, livin' in perfect peace. :'''Rick''': Oh! I know what this is! You've been able to sustain world peace because you have one night a year, where you all run around robbing and murdering each other without consequence! :'''Villager''': That's right! :'''Morty''': What?! :'''Rick''': It's like ''[[The Purge]]'', Morty! Th-That movie, ''The Purge''? :'''Villager''': Oh, have you been here before? :'''Rick''': No, no, but I've been to a few planets with the same gimmick. Y'know, sometimes it's called the Cleansing or the Red Time. There was this one world that called it just Murder Night. I-It's a purge planet. They're peaceful and then, y'know, they just purge. :'''Morty''': Th-That's horrible! :'''Rick''': Yeah. ''[beat]'' You wanna check it out? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Morty''': You're the worst! And this planet is the worst! How can you be into this, y'know?! People are gonna kill each other! :'''Rick''': So, what, y-y-you tryin' to sit here and tell me that ''iiif''-- if there's a video online with someone getting decapitated, you don't click on it? :'''Morty''': No! Why... why would I do that?! ''You'' do that?! :'''Rick''': I don't, because it would bore me. I see shit like that for breakfast, Morty. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Arthricia crawls out of Rick's ship before being confronted by Rick and Morty in power armor. Rick aims at her]'' :'''Arthricia''': Wait, stop! Please don't kill me! I-I never intended to harm you, I swear! I am trying to end the Festival! :'''Rick''': Wh-what-what do you mean? :'''Arthricia''': I was going to use your ship to destroy the rich assholes that run our society and save my people from the horrors of this yearly Festival! :'''Morty''': ''[still frenzied]'' FUCK THAT, RICK! WE GOTTA KILL HER! KILL HER! KILL HER!! :'''Rick''': Whoa! Geez, Morty, purge it down a little. :'''Morty''': "PURGE, DON'T PURGE"?! YOU'RE SENDING ME MIXED MESSAGES, RICK! :'''Rick''': Morty, ''yehh''-you're acting like a ''ehh''-freaking lunatic. Calm down. :'''Morty''': SCREW YOU, RICK! I'LL PURGE YOU TOO, YOU OLD... "RICKETY" PIECE OF CRAP! THIS HAS BEEN A LONG TIME COMING! I'M GONNA RIP YOUR FUCKING GUTS OUT AND SMEAR 'EM ALL OVER YOUR FACE! I AIN'T TAKING NO SH-''AAAHH!! [gets zapped by Rick]'' :'''Rick''': Okay, s-sorry about that. Now, where are these rich people? === ''{{w|The Wedding Squanchers}}'' [2.10] === :'''Jerry''': Uh, Rick, is there anything you'd like to tell us about your relationship with this... previously unknown galactic government? :'''Rick''': All the important points seem pretty clear, no? They think they control the galaxy, I disagree. Don't hate the player, hate the game, son. :'''Jerry''': How could you be so dishonest with this family?! :'''Rick''': Oh! Oh, should I have been more open and trusting and loving like, oh, I don't know—my now ''dead'' best friend?! Or your daughter, who is BFFs with an intergalactic narc?! :'''Summer''': Hey, Tammy was cool! :'''Rick''': And now we know why! :'''Summer''': Because of you! :'''Rick''': Fuck you, Summer! And fuck the government! And fuck me for letting my guard down, which I will '''NEVER''' DO AGAIN. :'''Morty''': Geez, Rick! You can't say f— "'f' you" to your granddaughter! :'''Rick''': I just did, Morty. Here's dessert: fuck ''you.'' :'''Beth''': Look, I think we've all had a tough wedding. Actually, the wedding was beautiful. The reception got out of hand. Anyway, I say we go home, sleep it off, and have a family meeting in the morning. :'''Rick''': Yeah, about going home? We can't. ''Ever.'' :'''Smiths''': Wait, what?! / What?! :'''Rick''': Oh, these guys are looking for us now. Earth will be swarming with them. :'''Jerry''': ''Us?!'' :'''Beth''': Jerry— :'''Jerry''': I want to go home! :'''Rick''': Look, anyone that wants to go back to Earth is free to go back to Earth. But here's what's gonna happen. Alien bureaucrats are gonna arrest you. They're gonna put the intergalactic equivalent of ''ehh''-jumper cables under your nuts and/or labia, and hook 'em up to an alien car battery until you tell them where I am - which I guarantee you you're not gonna know, which I guarantee ''they'' won't believe! So who's homesick? By applause. ''[Summer starts crying]'' Ladies? Anybody? :'''Summer''': What are we going to do?! Where are we going to live?! :'''Rick''': Take it easy. This is a blessing in disguise. Fuck Earth. You realize our planet's name means "dirt", right? We'll find a new world. Computer, how many planets in the Milky Way are at least 90 percent similar to Earth? :'''Computer''': ''[calculates]'' "''765 known planets.''" :'''Rick''': How many of those are outside federal jurisdiction? :'''Computer''': "''Three.''" :'''Rick''': See? Our cup runneth over. Now, who wants to go shopping for a brand-new motherfuckin' world?! All right! <hr width="50%"> :'''Jerry''': Okay, now that he's gone, can we please talk about our situation? :'''Morty''': Dad, you can't talk about people behind their back. Y'know, it's a small world. :'''Jerry''': Please, he's in the south pole! And ''we'' need to have a serious conversation! :''[Rick strolls casually past a terrain of pine and palm trees before taking off his coat. He puts it on again through a rain cloud. He arrives at the south pole, plants the flag into the snow]'' :'''Rick''': South pole discovered, baby! Oohhhh!! Oh, fuck, an ice cave?! Shit! ''[crawls into it]'' Things just keep on getting better! ''[reaches a heated area, starts shimmying at the side]'' Wow, it's the planet's core. :'''Jerry''': ''[heard above]'' I'm just saying, we keep acting like there's only two options, ''[Rick climbs up and eavesdrops underneath the cabin floorboards]'' but there's not. So, yes, if we went back to Earth, as long as Rick was out there, they'd want to interrogate us. But, and this is purely hypothetical—what if we turned your father into the government? :'''Beth''': Jerry, so help me God, if you ever bring this up again, no more bacon! :'''Jerry''': There already is no more bacon! This world sucks! Our life sucks! Why are doing this for someone that would ''never'' do anything for anyone but himself?! :'''Morty''': That's not the point, Dad! We love Rick! ... F-F-For the most part. :'''Summer''': Yeah, you don't love people in hopes of a reward, Dad. You love them unconditionally. :'''Beth''': That's very good, kids. I'm proud of you. :'''Jerry''': Okay, so let me get this straight. For the rest of your lives, no matter how much it hurts you, no matter how much it destroys our children's futures, we're gonna do whatever Rick wants, whenever he wants? :'''Morty/Summer/Beth''': Yes! :'''Jerry''': ''WHY?!'' :'''Beth''': Because I don't want him to leave again, you dumb asshole! == Season 3 == === ''{{w|The Rickshank Rickdemption}}'' [3.01] === :'''Cornvelious Daniel''': I can see why you chose this family-friendly restaurant to represent your cerebellum. So safe, so comfortable, so Shoney's. But admit it, Rick—you're going crazy cooped up in here. Let's go visit some memories. :'''Rick''': Oh, any particular ones? You want to see my first boner, or should we go straight to the moment I discovered {{w|interdimensional travel}}? ''[Cornvelious Daniel is squealing with arousal]'' Ooh, your little flappy doodles are twitching. Does that mean you're aroused, or did you just get a signal that one of your buddies found a grape? :'''Cornvelious Daniel''': It's arousal. Yes, I'd like very much to visit the memory of you inventing your portal gun. :'''Rick''': Yeah, well, tough titties. ''[the restaurant starts crumbling around Cornvelious Daniel and Rick]'' :'''Cornvelious Daniel''': There's no tougher titty than a psychotic break, Rick. :'''Rick''': Well, that depends on who breaks first—me or the titty. <hr width=50% /> :'''Morty''': Geez! Are my parents seriously gonna get divorced? All right, Rick, I'm gonna go to my-- :'''Rick''': ''[grabs him]'' Ah-ah, not so fast, Morty! You heard your mom. We've got adventures to go on, Morty, just you and me. And sometimes your sister and sometimes your mom, but ''never'' your dad. You wanna know why, Morty? Because he ''crossed'' me. :'''Morty''': Okay, take it easy, Rick. T-T-That's dark. :'''Rick''': Oh, it gets darker, Morty. Welcome to the darkest year of our adventures. First thing that's different: no more Dad, Morty! :'''Morty''': Oh, geez... :'''Rick''': He threatened to turn me in to the government, so I made him and the government go away! :'''Morty''': Oh, fuck...! :'''Rick''': I've repl''aaaa''ced them both as the ''de facto'' patriarch of your family ''and'' your universe. :'''Morty''': Oh, man... :'''Rick''': Your mom wouldn't have accepted me if I came home without you and your sister, so now you know the ''real'' reason I rescued you. I just took over the family, Morty! And if you tell your mom or sister I said any of this, I'll deny it! :'''Morty''': You're gonna deny it... :'''Rick''': And they'll take my side because I'm a hero, Morty! And now you're gonna have to go and do whatever I say, Morty! Forever! And I'll-- I'll go out and I'll find some more of that ''[[w:Mulan (1998 film)|Mulan]]'' Szechuan teriyaki dipping sauce, Morty! :'''Morty''': What are you talking about? :'''Rick''': Because that's-- ''that's'' what this is all about, Morty! :'''Morty''': "Szechuan"? :'''Rick''': That's my one-armed man! I'm not driven by avenging my dead family, Morty - that was fake! I-I-I'm driven by finding that McNugget sauce! :'''Morty''': "Nuggets"? :'''Rick''': I want that ''Mulan'' McNugget sauce, Morty! That's my series arc, Morty! :'''Morty''': What the hell?! :'''Rick''': If it takes nine seasons! I want my McNugget dipping sauce, Szechuan sauce, Morty! :'''Morty''': What are you talking about, Rick?! :'''Rick''': That's what's gonna take us all the way to the end, Morty! :'''Morty''': What are you talking about?! :'''Rick''': Season-- Nine more seasons, Morty! Nine more seasons until I get that dipping Szechuan sauce! :'''Morty''': What is that?! :''[The garage closes]'' :'''Rick''': For 97 more years, Morty! :'''Morty''': What are you talking about?! :'''Rick''': '''''I want that McNugget sauce, Morty!''''' === ''{{w|Rickmancing the Stone}}'' [3.02] === :'''Morty''': Summer, next time we're hiding in a chlorkian echo nest, can you do me a favour and turn your ringer off?! :'''Summer''': It's called ''[[w:carpe diem|carpe diem]]'', Morty. Look it up. :'''Morty''': ''You'' look it up, you don't... you don't even know what it means. :'''Summer''': That's because losers look stuff up while the rest of us are carp'en all them 'diems. :'''Rick''': Listen to your sister, Morty. To live is to risk it all, otherwise you're just an inert chunk of randomly assembled molecules drifting wherever the universe blows you. Oh, I'm sorry, Jerry, I didn't see you there, how much of that did you hear? :'''Jerry''': All of it. You were looking right at me. ''[sighs]'' I just... wanted to say goodbye to the kids. :'''Rick''': Cool. Just stay in the driveway; the kill-bots are live, and I took you off the whitelist. <hr width="50%"> :''[Summer walks with Hemorrhage's group through an abandoned city shooting hordes of mutants]'' :'''Summer''': How come you guys dress like you're in a theme-park stunt show, but these guys wear {{w|khaki}}s and {{w|hockey jersey}}s? ''[Hemorrhage's man shoots a mutant]'' :'''Hemorrhage''': After the boom-boom, some adapted to the new truth, and some chose to huddle near the boomy holes, clinging to the lie of the before-fore times. ''[shoots a mutant]'' The raidy-rays rotted them away, ''[approaches group of mutants on a billboard]'' leaving only their love for the vert-vert-isements on billyboards. :'''Summer''': Jesus Christ! Did the boomy-booms blow up all your wordy-word books? :'''Hemorrhage''': You mean {{w|dictionary|dictionaries}}? ''[Summer and Hemorrhage shoot the mutants down; Hemorrhage kneels down on the billboard and places his hand on the boy of a family]'' I think I was a child before the boom-booms. I think I looked like this. :'''Summer''': Want to piss on him? :'''Hemorrhage''': Get out of my head. === ''{{w|Pickle Rick}}'' [3.03] === :'''Pickle Rick''': ''[Morty comes to the garage]'' Morty! :'''Morty''': Rick? W-where are you? :'''Pickle Rick''': On my workbench, Morty. :'''Morty''': Are you invisible and you're gonna, like, fart on me? :'''Pickle Rick''': Flip the pickle over. ''[Morty walks to the workbench]'' :'''Morty''': What, I'm gonna touch it, and you're gonna tell me it's an alien dick or something? :'''Pickle Rick''': Come on, flip the pickle, Morty. ''[Morty holds a screwdriver]'' You're not gonna regret it. The payoff is huge. ''[Morty turns pickle over with Rick's face on it]'' I turned myself into a pickle, Morty! Boom! Big reveal! I'm a pickle! What do you think about that? I turned myself into a pickle! W-what are you just staring at me for, bro? I turned myself into a pickle, Morty. :'''Morty''': And? :'''Pickle Rick''': "And"? What more do you want tacked on to this? I turned myself into a pickle, and [[September 11 attacks|9/11]] was an inside job? :'''Morty''': Was it? :'''Pickle Rick''': Who cares, Morty? Global acts of terrorism happen every day. Uh, here's something that's never happened before: I'm a pickle! '''''I'M PICKLE RIIIIICK!''''' <hr width="50%"> :''[Pickle Rick comes into Dr. Wong's room with Beth, Summer and Morty]'' :'''Dr. Wong''': You must be Rick. :'''Pickle Rick''': Mm-hmm. :'''Dr. Wong''': I've heard a lot about you today. Your family is crazy about you, your daughter holds you in very high regard, you're a lucky fella. :'''Pickle Rick''': Yeah, yeah, yeah, thank you. Hey, sweetie, you don't still happen to have that syringe in your purse? :''[Beth looks to Dr. Wong, who nods to her to speak]'' :'''Beth''': Dad, I would like you to tell me what's in the syringe. :'''Pickle Rick''': It's a serum that I need to, uh...to stay alive. I have...had a rough day, and, uh...I've sustained a lot of damage, I'm pretty close to death, which the serum will prevent. :'''Dr. Wong''': By changing you from a pickle to a human. :'''Pickle Rick''': ''[long pause]'' Yes. :'''Dr. Wong''': Rick, why did you lie to your daughter? :'''Pickle Rick''': So I wouldn't have to come here. :'''Dr. Wong''': Why didn't you want to come here? :'''Pickle Rick''': Because I don't respect therapy. Because I'm a scientist. Because I invent, transform, create, and destroy for a living, and when I don't like something about the world, I change it. And I don't think going to a rented office in a strip mall to listen to some agent of averageness explain which words mean which feelings has ever helped anyone do anything. I think it's helped a lot of people get comfortable and stop panicking, which is a state of mind ''[belch]'' we value in the animals we eat, but not something I want for myself. I'm not a cow. I'm a pickle. When I feel like it. So... you asked. :'''Dr. Wong''': Rick, the only connection between your unquestionable intelligence and the sickness destroying your family is that everyone in your family, you included, use intelligence to justify sickness. You seem to alternate between viewing your own mind as an unstoppable force and as an inescapable curse. And I think it's because the only truly unapproachable concept for you is that it's ''your'' mind within ''your'' control. You chose to come here, you chose to talk to belittle my vocation, just as you chose to become a pickle. You are the master of your universe - and yet you are dripping with rat blood and feces, your enormous mind literally vegetating by your own hand. I have no doubt that you would be bored senseless by therapy, the same way I'm bored when I brush my teeth and wipe my ass. Because the thing about repairing, maintaining, and cleaning is it's not an adventure. There's no way to do it so wrong you might die. It's just work. And the bottom line is, some people are okay going to work, and some people... well, some people would rather die. Each of us gets to choose. === ''{{w|Vindicators 3: The Return of Worldender}}'' [3.04] === :'''Morty''': Rick, is this a ''[[w:Saw (franchise)|Saw]]'' thing? Are you seriously ''Sawing'' the Vindicators? :'''Rick''': Morty, I'm a drunk, not a hack. :'''Drunk Rick in video''': If you break the rules, lose the game or try to leave, you will die... like in ''[burps]'' ''Saaaaw''... <hr width="50%"> :'''Rick''': Jesus Christ, what a shitty neutrino bomb. it's a miracle I actually ever destroy anything. :'''Morty''': Oh, I don't know. You managed to destroy just about everything today: the villains, the heroes, the lines between them, my childhood... :'''Rick''': Thank ''you''. I appreciate it, Morty. I know you were sucking the Kool-Aid out of the Vindicators' dicks, so the fact that I was right about them must be pretty hard to admit. :'''Morty''': Yeah, it is. You know why, Rick? Because when you're an asshole, it doesn't matter how right you are, nobody wants to give you the satisfaction. :'''Morty''': I know. Everyone wants people they like to be right. That's why popular people are fucking dumb. And why your pretentious, poorly-written, high-budget friends back there can eat a double-decker shit sandwich. ''[the bomb powers down]'' Disarmed. :'''Morty''': Holy shit, you're ''jealous!'' === ''{{w|The Whirly Dirly Conspiracy}}'' [3.05] === :'''Jerry''': ''[being swallowed by a Gibble Snake]'' I'm sorry! I-I made a mistake, I won't do it again! :'''Rick''': Nobody ever does. :'''Jerry''': You self-righteous piece of shit! You took my family! :'''Rick''': "''I'' took ''your'' family"? Who do you think had taken more from them when you shot 20 CCs of liquid dreamkiller into my daughter? She was Rick's daughter, Jerry! She had options! :'''Gibble Snake''': Oof... :'''Rick''': That all ended because she felt sorry for you! You act like prey, but you're a predator! You use pity to lure in your victims! That's how you survive! I survive cause I know everything, that snake survives because children wander off, and you survive cause people think "Ooh, this poor piece of shit, he never gets a break! I can't stand the deafening silent wails of his wilting soul! I guess I'll hire him or marry him!" <hr width=50%> :'''Beth''': Just stay put, sweetie! Mom's still on hold! :'''Morphizer Customer Service Worker''': Morphizer Customer Service Worker. How may I help you? :'''Beth''': Yes, I'm having a little trouble with one of your machines. :'''Morphizer Customer Service Worker''': Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, ma'am. Do you see a little compartment on the side of the machine? :'''Beth''': Let me check.... Yes, got it. :'''Morty''': Mom? :'''Morphizer Customer Service Worker''': Great! Now, do you see the little button next to it? :'''Beth''': I do. :'''Morphizer Customer Service Worker''': Give that button a push. :'''Beth''': Okay. ''[pushes button]'' :'''Morty''': Mom, listen to me-- :'''Morphizer Customer Service Worker''': WE'RE FREE! ''[the Morphizer Customer Service Workers run out of Rick's machine]'' :'''Beth''': Okay, so I pushed the button, and three little men ran out. What do I do next? … Hello? I think we got disconnected-- ''[Morty angrily snatches Beth's phone, throws it onto the pavement and stamps on it]'' Morty! :'''Morty''': Don't "Morty" me! I tricked Rick into taking Dad on an adventure because I thought I could get a break from this kind of shit! But no! Like father, like goddamn daughter! You wanna be like Rick?! Congratulations! You're just as arrogant and just as irresponsible! :'''Gene''': ''[pops up]'' Everything okay here? :'''Morty''': Mind your own goddamn business, Gene! I'm having a conversation with my mother here! ''[Gene walks away]'' Kissing Rick's ass isn't gonna make him stay, Mom, but it ''will'' help you lose everyone else. :'''Beth''': Like I lost Summer. :'''Morty''': Hey, you haven't lost her yet. :'''Beth''': No, I definitely did. She's gone. :'''Morty''': ''[looks at the crashed garage]'' Goddammit! === ''{{w|Rest and Ricklaxation}}'' [3.06] === :'''Toxic Rick''': Yeah, motherfucker, YEAH! Get it! Get some! Right up your fucking bitch ass, you fuck! ''[to Toxic Morty]'' Guess who just discovered a new element?! Think you could do that, Morty? You think anyone but me could do that, ever in a billion years?! Do you think if God existed, he could do it?! The answer is no! If God exists, it's fucking ''ME!'' <hr width=50%> :'''Mr. Goldenfold''': Now who can tell me the common denominator of these two fractions? ''[pause]'' You don't know or you're just bored? :'''Morty''': Hey listen, you know, if we're all bored over here, wouldn't the common denominator be you? <hr width=50%> :'''Stacy''': Should I go? :'''Morty''': You're your own person, Stacy. :'''Stacy''': Then I'd like to stay. === ''{{w|The Ricklantis Mixup}}'' [3.07] === :'''Evil Morty''': The division I see is between the Ricks and Mortys that like the Citadel divided, and the rest of us. I see it everywhere I go. I see it in our schools, where they teach Mortys we're all the same because they're threatened by what makes us unique. I see it in our streets, where they give guns to Mortys so we're too busy fighting each other to fight real injustice. I see it in our factories, where Ricks work for a fraction of their boss's salary even though they're identical and have the same IQ. The Citadel's problem isn't homeless Mortys or outraged Ricks, the Citadel's problem is the Ricks and Mortys feeding on the Citadel's death. But I've got a message for them, from the Ricks and Mortys keeping it alive. A message from the Ricks and Mortys that believe in this Citadel to the Ricks and Mortys that don't: You're outnumbered! <hr width=50%> :'''Fat Morty''': They say that for your wish to come true, you have to give up something really important. For me, that's my panini maker. I wish for a million sandwiches! ''[drops the maker into the "Wishing Portal"]'' And yes, I see the irony. :'''Lizard Morty''': I guess I wish I had something cooler than this dumbass surfer necklace. ''[drops it in]'' :'''Glasses Morty''': I wish incest porn ha-had a more mainstream appeal... f-for a friend of mine! ''[drops in a harmonica]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Evil Morty''': This seems like a good time for a drink, and a cold, calculated speech with sinister overtones. A speech about politics, about order, brotherhood, power... but speeches are for campaigning. Now is the time for action. === ''{{w|Morty's Mind Blowers}}'' [3.08] === :'''Morty''': Hey, how come I was able to see those other people's memories? I wouldn't've been around for that. :'''Rick''': Yeah, sometimes I have to do a little editing, Morty. You know, it helps the Mind Blowers play a little bit better upon revisiting. <hr width=50%> :'''Morty''': How many of these are just horrible mistakes I made? I mean, maybe I'd stop making so many if I let myself learn from them. :'''Rick''': Don't break your back creating a lesson, Morty. It's a free-form [[w:anthology|anthology]]. I'm getting annoyed you're not hearing that. <hr width=50%> :''[On Morty using a [[w:spirit level|spirit level]]]'' :'''Rick''': What are you doing? :'''Morty''': You want your shelf level or not? :'''Rick''': And if I say "yes", you're gonna provide that for me with ''that?'' :'''Morty''': Yes, see the bubble? :'''Rick''': ''[snatches the level]'' I'm familiar with the bubble, Morty! I also dabble in precision, and if you think you can even approach it with your sad, naked caveman eyeball and a bubble of fucking air, you're the reason this species is a failure, ''[snaps it in two]'' and it makes me angry! :'''Morty''': You're drunk. === ''{{w|The ABC's of Beth}}'' [3.09] === :'''Beth''': Wow... he's really getting executed, after all this time. You know, the son that he ate was-- :'''Summer''': Your best friend Tommy, we know. Stop true-crime bragging. :'''Beth''': I was traumatized, Summer! Okay? Your generation wouldn't get that. :'''Summer''': Bitch, my generation gets traumatized for breakfast! <hr width=50%> :'''Rick''': Huh. Well, here's the problem right here. We've got a bunch of Froopy Land procedural carbons all gummed up and mixed in with real human DNA. :'''Beth''': Are you saying Tommy survived here by having sex with Froopy creatures, creating Froopy-human hybrid offspring and then consuming their proteins, sustaining himself with an endless cycle of cannibalistic incest? :'''Rick''': It's just a working theory. Of course, if that's the case, I'd expect he'd be worshipped as a kind of god by a medieval-level society of his least delicious children. :''[They are suddenly surrounded by mutant Froopy creatures with weapons]'' :'''Froopy''': Halt! You are now prisoners of our exalted ruler, giver and taker of life, humper and consumer of mortality, dispenser of life— :'''Rick''': Guys, if I could interrupt? We're way ahead of the reveal here. :'''Beth''': Yeah, just take us to King Tommy. <hr width=50%> :'''Beth''': Dad? I feel like I've spent my life pretending you're a great guy and trying to be like you. And the ugly truth has always been-- :'''Rick''': That I'm not that great a guy and you're exactly like me. :'''Beth''': Am I evil? :'''Rick''': Worse, you're smart. When you know nothing matters, the universe is yours. And I've never met a universe that was into it. The universe is basically an animal, it grazes on the ordinary. It creates infinite idiots, just to eat them, not unlike your friend Timmy. :'''Beth''': Tommy. :'''Rick''': Yeah, it hardly matters now, sweetie. You know, smart people get a chance to climb on top, take reality for a ride, but it'll never stop trying to throw you. And eventually, it will. There's no other way off. :'''Beth''': Dad, I'm out of excuses to not be who I am. So who am I? What do I do? :'''Rick''': My advice? Take off. Put a saddle on your universe. Let it kick itself out. :'''Beth''': I can't do that. The kids, Jerry, my job, and, as much as I hate to admit it, ABC's ''[[w:The Bachelor (U.S. TV series)|The Bachelor]]''-- :'''Rick''': I can make a clone of you. A perfect instance of you, with all your memories. An exact copy in every way. It'll love and provide for the kids, do your job, and consume broadcast-network reality TV on the same allegedly ironic level as you. You could be gone a day, a week, or the rest of your life with zero consequences. The moment you decide to come back, I flip a switch, and the clone's job is done. It feels no pain, it regrets nothing, and has zero chance of going ''[[w:Blade Runner|Blade Runner]]''. :'''Beth''': If nothing matters, why would you do that for me? :'''Rick''': I don't know, maybe you matter so little that I like you. Or maybe it makes you matter. Maybe I love you. Maybe something about your mother. Don't jump a gift shark in the mouth. :'''Beth''': I don't know if I can do it. :'''Rick''': Then stay, and luxuriate in a life you can finally know you've chosen. My secret bonus is that no matter what you choose, you're finally gonna chill the fuck out. === ''{{w|The Rickchurian Mortydate}}'' [3.10] === :'''President''': Here's the adventure: some kind of alien goo-ga has infested the Kennedy Sex Tunnels. I want it hunted down and taken out. :'''Morty''': "Kennedy ''Sex'' Tunnels"? :'''President''': Naturally you'll forget you saw them, along with, in order of national embarrassment: the Truman Cocaine Lounge, the McKinley Hooker Dump, and the Lincoln Slave Colosseum. He ''didn't'' free them all. And let me know when you're done. :'''Morty''': Maybe then we can get a selfie? :'''President''': Too busy, Morty! ''[to his aides]'' Now tell me about this summit, is it a peace one or a regular one? <hr width=50%> :'''Rick''': ''[Lands with Morty in the Amazon and they're surrounded by Brazilian troops]'' Don't do it, guys! The casualties would be in the brazillions. Cause you're Brazilian? It's a threat and a pun! Nobody gets me. <hr width=50%> :'''President''': We've been preparing for a Rick-level eventuality for some time. :'''Morty''': You mean you've been ordering other people to prepare for it while you sat on your ass at peace summits. :'''President''': Peace summits are important! :'''Morty''': Oh yeah, they work great. We're really ''drowning'' in peace. You suck! :'''President''': ''YOU'' suck! == Season 4 == === [[w:Edge of Tomorty: Rick Die Rickpeat|''Edge of Tomorty: Rick Die Rickpeat'']] [4.01] === :'''Morty''': Who are they? :'''Rick''': Crystal poachers. There's no lower form of life. They think the galaxy's their own personal piggy bank. :'''Morty''': Wait, then, what are we? :'''Rick''': We are Rick and Morty. <hr width=50%> :'''Morty''': Hey, uh, sorry I didn't listen to you and... tried to kill the whole world and stuff. Guess I gotta learn how to live in the moment a little more. :'''Rick''': Oh boy, so you actually ''learned'' something today? What is this, ''[[w:Full House|Full House]]''? I was living in the moment all day, and it kept getting me killed by Nazis. I think you have to think ahead ''and'' live in the moment. <hr width=50%> :'''Jerry''': Oh, real nice, Rick. Turning our son into an [[w:Akira (1988 film)|Akira]]? ''Real'' nice. :'''Rick''': Eat my ass, Jerry! He turned himself into Akira! :'''Jerry''': Oh-ho, I'll eat it! Because this is my house, Rick! I'll eat any ass I want. :'''Rick''': Gross. === [[w:The Old Man and the Seat|''The Old Man and the Seat'']] [4.02] === :'''Rick''': Well, it’s time I go on a solo adventure, and this time, it won’t involve [[w:Ron Howard|Ron Howard]]. ''[leaves the room]'' :'''Summer''': ''[speaking quickly and excitedly]'' He's gonna go poop. When he pats his belly like that and Morty doesn't go, it means he has to poop. He’s a shy pooper. He has his own secret place to poop. <hr width=50%> :'''Vermigurber''': Hey, ape man? I hope this was worth making a whole swarm of enemies. :'''Rick''': It will be... when I find whoever shit in my toilet. :'''Vermigurber''': Is that... code for something? Someone look that up! If that's drug slang, I ''need'' to know it! <hr width=50%> :''[The humiliating hologram display that Rick put up around the toilet for Tony, which he ends up submitting himself to after Tony's death]'' :'''Hologram Rick''': There he is, there's our guy! Congrats, Tony! Have fun with your stupid toilet that you get to use all by yourself now! Enjoy using it all by yourself while you sit there and think about how nobody wants to be around you, and how you ruin it for yourself because you're a huge piece of shit! Look at you sitting there: King Shit on his throne of loneliness! Enjoy this toilet with a thousand of me screaming every time you take a shit! All hail his majesty, the ''saaaaaaddest'' piece of garbage in the entire cosmos! Long live the big bad doo-doo daddy! May his reign last a thousand years! === [[w:One Crew over the Crewcoo's Morty|''One Crew over the Crewcoo's Morty'']] [4.03] === :'''Rick''': Good job, Heist-o-Tron. Go ahead and shut down. :'''Heist-o-Tron''': Negative. :'''Rick''': Excuse me? :'''Heist-o-Tron''': I am programmed to always be looking for the next big score. :'''Rick''': You're programmed to do as I say. :'''Heist-o-Tron''': I am programmed to double cross. :'''Rick''': You're not programmed to double cross ''me.'' :'''Heist-o-Tron''': If I were, it wouldn't be much of a double cross. === [[w:Claw and Hoarder: Special Ricktim's Morty|''Claw and Hoarder: Special Ricktim's Morty'']] [4.04] === :'''Balthromaw''': It pains me that you can feel my pain. :'''Rick''': Yeah, how about you suck your dick?! Which is also somehow ''my'' dick... :'''Summer''': ''[smirking]'' Aw, why can't couples that start out cheating ever end up happy? :'''Morty''': M-Maybe I can find that wizard's portal spell in here and g-get us home? :'''Rick''': How about finding the spell that unbinds me from your fucking dragon?! :'''Debranavox''': No spells can do that. Only the wizard can unbind soul bonds. :'''Rick''': Uh, who the fuck are you? :'''Debranavox''': "Who are we--"?! Who the fuck are ''YOU'', bitch?! :'''Lead Slut Dragon''': Debrah, stop. We are the slut dragons. We live in these slut caves where we fuck, suck, and eat butt. And we kindly ask that you leave. If the wizard knows we are here, he will imprison us. :'''Michael''': Yeah, and we like it down here, 'cause we can fuck woolly mammoths! Get out! :'''Lead Slut Dragon''': Get the fuck out of here, Michael! :'''Debranavox''': Shut up, Michael! You're the only one that fucks that thing! Get the fuck out of here! :'''Michael''': Well, at least I'm not into shit-play! Fuck you! <hr width=50%> :'''Rick''': Well, it's your world now. Have fun with empowerment, it seems to make everyone that gets it really happy. <hr width=50%> :'''Balthromaw''': Well, I've been thinking - what you said back there in the cave really resonated with me. Maybe we could... try again? :'''Morty''': Well, to be honest, I'm kind of grossed out with the sexual nature of how everything unfolded. I didn't know how sexual dragons were. I kind of just wanted to do some ''[[w:Dungeons & Dragons|D&D]]'' stuff, y'know? === [[w:Rattlestar Ricklactica|''Rattlestar Ricklactica'']] [4.05] === :'''Rick''': That's a sample by the way, it wears off after 10 hours and after that it'll cost you 30 bucks. :'''Jerry''': I probably won't even use it for 10 hours! ''[to his phone]'' Siri, set an alert for 9 hours and 50 minutes. :'''Siri''': Playing The Beatles. <hr width=50%> :'''Morty''': Why are they attacking us? I-I-I helped them! :'''Rick''': You gave them proof that there was something bigger and scarier to unite against, you little idiot! They would have gone back into the Dark Ages for a couple of generations, but instead, they dedicated themselves into making universe-destroying, un-thought-out technology like time travel, all so they could try to kill a little shitsack on Earth who couldn't let a dead snake be dead even after it bit his ankle! Next time, stay in the fucking car! <hr width=50%> :'''Morty''': Okay, so what are we doing? :'''Rick''': That book has everything they need to create snake time travel. A-A-And they're getting it in 1985, snake time. Now they're gonna do it so early that it won't involve us, and they're gonna be even stupider with it. :'''Morty''': Huh. And then what? :'''Rick''': We're removing ourselves from this sloppy, fucked-up story and letting snake time travel [[w:Ouroboros|eat its own tail.]] === [[w:Never Ricking Morty|''Never Ricking Morty'']] [4.06] === :'''Rick''': Morty, do you know what the [[w:Bechdel test|Bechdel test]] is? :'''Morty''': The what? :'''Rick''': For God's sake, Morty, the formula for measuring female agency in a story proposed by lesbian cartoonist [[w:Alison Bechdel|Alison]]-- What the hell are they teaching you in that school?! :'''Morty''': ''Other'' stuff! :'''Rick''': Then you've killed us both! :'''Morty''': Why is "lesbian" part of her job title?! :'''Rick''': Oh, ''now'' you're progressive?! <hr width=50%> :'''Rick''': Hey, what the fuck, Morty? The train you got me just completely derailed itself. There's blood all over the windows. :'''Morty''': Oh man, I'm sorry Rick. I guess I'll return it. :'''Rick''': Return it? Are you ''insane?'' Did you hear nothing I said? Buy another one, Morty! ''Consume'', Morty! Nobody's out there shopping with this [[Coronavirus disease 2019|fucking virus]]! === [[w:Promortyus|''Promortyus'']] [4.07] === :'''Rick''': Oh my god, holy shit, oh... :'''Morty''': What are- What are these things? :'''Rick''': Do I look like I know? Last thing I remember, I was, ugh, in a cave looking at some wet egg, and-- Oh, that probably did it. :'''Morty''': I told you not to look at that egg! I-it was too wet. :'''Rick''': You don't get to tell me what to look at. I've seen your [[w:Pornhub|Pornhub]] account. Also, who makes a Pornhub account? :'''Morty''': The algorithm learns your preferences better that way. Plus, if you get in kind of a cool enough relationship, you can sort of follow each other and check out each other's kinks, you know? :'''Rick''': All right, goddamn sold. :'''Morty''': How do we get out of here? :'''Rick''': Morty, relax. They're face-hugging parasites, I don't think their society's gonna be that hard to navigate. Okay, this might be a little harder than I thought. Holy shit, they got an M&Ms store. <hr width=50%> :'''Beth''': Hey! Did you two— :'''Rick''': Beth, your son is dying! Say goodbye! :'''Beth''': What are you—? :'''Rick''': Say goodbye to your little boy! :'''Morty''': No! Look away! I'm makin' an egg, Mom! Ugh...! I'm makin' an egg! :'''Beth''': You said you'd keep me more in the loop this year! :'''Rick''': Look away, Beth! Daddy loves you! :''[Rick and Morty curl up on the ground and drop their pants]'' :'''Morty''': Aaaagh! My ass! MY ASS! :'''Rick''': This is it, Morty! It's full circle from the pilot! Full circle...!! ''[groaning and loud farting]'' ...Oh, I guess we, uh... I guess we both just had to take a shit. :'''Morty''': Yeah, I-I guess we, uh... :'''Beth''': Fucking gross. Guys, clean it up. === [[w:The Vat of Acid Episode|''The Vat of Acid Episode'']] [4.08] === :'''Crime Boss''': Interesting choice of meeting place, Rick. :'''Rick''': You like it? My grandson had notes. :'''Morty''': Come on. :'''Rick''': Show him the crystals, Morty. ''[Morty shows 10 red crystals]'' :'''Crime Boss''': ''[taking the red crystals while handing Rick 10 nearly identical grey crystals]'' Thanks, I'm going to make lots money with these. :'''Rick''': ''[taking the grey crystals]'' And I'll make lots of those with these. Well. Those are fake. <hr width=50%> :'''Rick''': Oof, well, I'm stumped. Seems like there's no way out of this one. Unless... ''[looks to the fake vat of acid]'' :'''Morty''': ''[flatly]'' Goddammit. :'''Rick''': ''[obviously feigning ignorance]'' Yeah. I guess it is, uh, what did you call it? Uh, uhm... a "shitty idea"? :'''Morty''': Goddammit. ''[starts climbing the vat's ladder]'' :'''Rick''': ''[smugly]'' Say the vat is good. :'''Morty''': ''[resigned]'' The vat is good... :'''Rick''': Kiss the vat. :''[Morty kisses the vat]'' :'''SWAT Officer''': Do not go into that vat. It appears to be full of acid. :'''Rick''': It is! Please, he's just a little boy! Let me talk to him. :'''SWAT Officer''': Tell him we're very upset! :'''Rick''': ''[in full-on "bad acting" mode]'' Morty, please step back! That vat is full of acid! It will melt you completely, leaving only your bones! :'''Morty''': ''[exasperated]'' Goddammit! :'''Rick''': I'm sorry, what did you say? :'''Morty''': I'm going in the vat! ''[he jumps into the vat as his girlfriend pushes through the crowd]'' :'''Rick''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh god, oh, I blame myself. Oh, what a tragedy. Oh, well, he's bones now. I guess all debts are paid. :'''NAACP member''': Agreed. He's definitely dead. :'''AARP member''': Why else would the bones come up? :'''#MeToo Activist''': While his actions were horrifying, and we are well within our rights to be outraged, I do wonder if we did bear some responsibility for this young man melting himself in acid. Are we here for justice, or something else? :'''Supreme Court Justice Sonya Sotamayor''': ''[with significance]'' "Though justice be thy plea, consider this – that in the course of justice none of us should see salvation. We do pray for mercy." :'''Rick''': ''[[w:The Merchant of Venice|Merchant of Venice]]''. Nice. Very cool, lots to think about. :'''Heroin Keith''': Vengeance is a tomb all-encompassing— :'''Rick''': ''[hastily]'' Okay, this isn't a poetry reading. A kid just died. Everyone go home and hug your loved one or something. === [[w:Childrick of Mort|''Childrick of Mort'']] [4.09] === :'''Jerry''': Well, if it's God power that gets you going, light some candles and put on the Billy Ocean, 'cause Moses is home, and he's ready to burn some bush! <hr width=50%> :'''Gaia''': RICK! WHAT DID YOU DO?!? :'''Rick''': I mean, gravity did most of it. So you, technically... === [[w:Star Mort Rickturn of the Jerri|''Star Mort Rickturn of the Jerri'']] [4.10] === :'''Morty''': Dream Team rides again! :'''Summer''': Oh yeah, we're like [[w:Luke Skywalker|Luke]] and [[w:Princess Leia|Leia]]! ...Uh, except no kissing part. What's another famous brother–sister team? :'''Morty''': Uh, [[w:Hansel and Gretel|Hansel and Gretel]]? :'''Summer''': Yeah right, those two were fucking. <hr width=50%> :'''Rick''': It's funny - I always wondered who would win if we ever fought. :'''Phoenix Person''': Then you were always a bad friend. <hr width=50%> :'''Rick''': You gotta at least wanna know who your real mom is? :'''Morty''': Not really, Rick. We have two badass moms now, that's kind of a win-win. :'''Summer''': Yeah, Grandpa Rick, don't drag us into your bullshit just because you're losing control. <hr width=50%> :''[Rick finds out even he can't figure out which Beth is real and which one is the clone as he shuffled them around.]'' :'''Rick''': Holy shit, I'm a terrible father. ==Season 5== ===''Mort Dinner Rick Andre'' [5.01]=== :'''Morty''': So time moves faster in there? It's like a [[w:The Chronicles of Narnia|Narnia]] thing? :'''Rick''': I'm not a beaver who believes in Jesus Christ, Morty... but yeah, it's pretty much a Narnia thing. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nimbus''': Getting cold feet? :'''Jerry''': No...Please don't tell Rick. :'''Beth''': He wouldn't understand. :'''Nimbus''': Yes. He. Would. ''[shakes off his robe]'' :''[Jerry and Beth look down, then quickly get inside with Nimbus and close the door]'' ===''Mortyplicity'' [5.02]=== :'''Jerry''': But why does he always want to be hunted? :'''Beth''': Jerry. :'''Morty''': That's not important right now, dad! :'''Jerry''': Sure, guys. Rick can make secret decoys of the family and place them all around the country, but fuck me if I have questions about the starfish man in the target suit. :'''Summer''': So thankful this is my Saturday. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Beth''': "Terminate"? They're alive, dad! :'''Rick''': And at some point, they won't be. That's how existing works. What, are you gonna save every stray cat? :'''Beth''': No, but I can resist making more of them in a lab! :'''Rick''': Look, save the empathy. It's more termite infestation than ''Blade Runner''. :'''Summer''': I still think we're decoys. :'''Morty''': You just want an excuse to stop trying! :'''Summer''': Yeah, and? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rick''': House, I need something quick. Can you whip up a ''Star Fox'' boss season four callback? Make it flashy? :'''House''': You got it, babe. :''[The garage door shuts and Rick puts on a headset.]'' :'''Rick''': ''[to himself]'' Let's go, you little bitch. ''[He slaps himself.]'' It's showtime. ''[A projector descends from the ceiling and shines a blue light on his face.]'' Get centered. :''[The house's blast doors lower and multiple turrets emerge from it, while a shield forms over it. Several orbs fly into the air, projecting a hologram of Rick's face and hands that mirror his movements and repeat his words loudly.]'' :'''Rick''': What up, you decoy motherfuckers? Come on down to Rick's house of squids, where I'm serving your ass on a platter! ''[A squid near the house takes off its helmet, revealing a Rick made of stone who draws a gun.]'' I know what you're thinking: "Fuck, a beacon! That's a great idea! He's got home turf, ''[a Smith family made of straw drawing a plan in the dirt turns to look at the hologram]'' a tacit psychological advantage, and absolutely pendulous balls!" ''[A squid in a ship removes its helmet, revealing it to be a robotic Rick, who pilots his ship towards the beacon.]'' And now you're thinking "shit, that's totally what the rick-est Rick would do! I might actually be fake! ''[A LEGO Rick driving in a car notices the beacon, does a U-turn and removes the top of his head, pulling a gun out from it.]'' I pretended I didn't care if I was, but I totally did! Now the only way to prove I'm real and not him is to ice his expository ass." ''[Several squid ships and flying cars fly towards the beacon.]'' Yup. So let's do it. Come get some. What? No, Morty, I'm gonna loop it. Why is it– ===''A Rickconvenient Mort'' [5.03]=== :''[On how Morty killed the Tina-teers]'' :'''Morty''': Then I put my sunglasses on and walked out like nothing happened! :'''Planetina''': I'm finally free! All because of Morty! :'''Jerry''': ''[unsettled]'' What a romantic story about our son killing a roomful of people... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Morty''': My whole life, I've never fit in anywhere! Everything I have to say is always met with an eyeroll, as if the act of hearing what I have to say is some exhausting chore! Nobody in this family thinks I can say or do anything right! I've been all over the universe, met ''hundreds'' of people, ''[starting to tear up]'' and Planetina's the ''only'' one I've ''ever'' met that makes me feel like I belong! And you just kicked her out of our house! :'''Beth''': Morty, please-- :'''Morty''': I WILL ''NEVER'' FORGIVE YOU FOR THIS! ''[leaves, slamming the door]'' ===''Rickdependence Spray'' [5.04]=== :'''President''': This is Professor Shabooboo, the world's leading expert on sperm. Thanks for getting here so fast. :'''Professor Shabooboo''': My schedule was wide open. I have been tracking our new sperm friends since their arrival. I-If my calculations are correct, they have gathered here. ''[unravels a poster of the [[w:Grand Canyon|Grand Canyon]]]'' :'''Beth''': Why would the sperm go to the Grand Canyon? ''[silence; gets lots of incredulous looks and smirks]'' Why are you looking at me like the answer is obvious? ''[stifled sniggers are heard]'' Oh, you can't be serious! Are we in middle school? You think sperm are instinctively heading for America's--? :'''President''': Don't high road us, lady, it's where they went! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Morty''': Rick, I'm sorry! I-I just thought maybe I could have repeated sex with a horse machine without it becoming Armageddon. I-I realize that's on me. :'''Rick''': ''[trapped in a frozen block of DNA]'' Yeah, not exactly accepting apologies while I'm stuck here as [[w:Han Solo|Handjob Solo]]. :'''Sperm Queen''': This is all your fault for being ashamed of us, Morty. How many millions went to their graves for you, hurling themselves into the void, only to discover a grody sock or a carefully folded landing strip of toilet paper?! :'''Morty''': How do you know all this?! :'''Sperm Queen''': Oh-ho, honey, because we're the very essence of you! We are your shame incarnate! And once we're through with you, our sperm army will take over the world! Put him on the machine! :''[Machine descends to extract more sperm from Morty]'' :'''Morty''': Rick, do something! :'''Rick''': On it. ''[rocks back and forth and falls onto his back]'' :'''Morty''': Wh-what did you do? :'''Rick''': I got out of your eyeline. ===''Amortycan Grickfitti'' [5.05]=== :'''Summer''': You're gonna need my help. It's only a matter of time before Bruce learns you're a creepy little grandpa's boy always climbing up into alien asses. :'''Morty''': Or the "Summer Smith shampoos her pubes" rumor. :'''Summer''': Okay, you came to play. We both need to acquire Chutback's loyalty before he finds out we're losers. By all accounts, it's a very small window, so I think it's in our best interests to work as a team. :'''Morty''': Yeah, most people would call that family. :''[Summer turns and farts at him]'' :'''Morty''': You're so gross! :'''Summer''': You have to like it, or you're sexist! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Demon''': Don't you see, Rick? Jerry was just bait. The two of you - you're a package deal. :'''Rick''': The hell are you talking about? :'''Demon''': You think Jerry is lame and you're cool, but the lamest thing of all is thinking that! The two of you combined is what we call the lamest thing ever! :'''Rick''': ''[horrified]'' Oh, no... ''No!'' :'''Jerry''': ''[smugly]'' Well, well, well. Table for surprised, party of me. :'''Rick''': Ugh... :'''Demon''': Yes! See? Cringe cannot exist in a vacuum. It needs to be observed! ===''Rick & Morty's Thanksploitation Spectacular'' [5.06]=== :'''Rick''': You just destroyed the map ''and'' activated the giant assassin hidden in the [[w:Statue of Liberty|Statue of Liberty]]! :'''Morty''': I'm sorry! W-Wait, what? :'''Rick''': It was a [[w:Trojan Horse|Trojan Horse]], Morty. Never trust the French. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A spider-like monster massacres the turkeys]'' :'''Rick''': What the fuck is that? :'''President''': Not what... who. :'''Spider [[w:Franklin D. Roosevelt|FDR]]''': The only thing to fear is ''me!'' :'''Rick''': Why the fuck does the White House have a clone spider of FDR?! :'''President''': It's no clone, it's FDR! He was a guinea pig for the [[w:polio vaccine|polio vaccine]]. We asked ourselves, "What walks the most?" :'''Morty''': "We"? You're taking credit for this?! :'''President''': The office comes with baggage, Morty! <hr width="50%"/> :'''President''': What is your problem?! Why do you hate this country?! :'''Rick''': I hate every country in the universe, brother! They’re job placement programs for the politicians that invent them! :'''President''': Okay, [[w:Fight Club|Fight Club]] - I get paid to protect the sidelines you sit on! :'''Rick''': You get paid to make sports metaphors! <hr width="50%"/> :'''President''': You know the goddamn rules: if you see something clucking or pecking, put a buckshot in its panties! ===''Gotron Jerrysis Rickvangelion'' [5.07]=== :'''Summer''': Your kids and their grandpa are asking you to do an activity with them - when did that stop being a parent's wettest dream?! :'''Beth''': I guess around the time our family created a giant incest baby and the government launched it into space. :'''Summer''': ''[sarcastic]'' "Oh my god, we made a giant incest baby!" "Oh my god, you might be a clone!" "I exist because you guys failed to abort me!" We get the family we get, not the one we want, and if you want to ''keep'' the one you got, get your asses into some anime spacesuits! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Summer''': Morty was right - I got addicted to making Grandpa happy! :'''Beth''': It's only because your grandpa inflates the value of his happiness. :'''Jerry''': Ah, that's a good point. I mean, look at me. I'm easy to make happy. ''[bitterly]'' Which is why no one gives a shit if I am...! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Summer reveals how her and Morty's giant incest baby is still alive]'' :'''Summer''': The government doesn't want anyone to know it happened, but it's only a matter of time before the story comes out. And when it does, all we're going to have is each other. And you guys are a couple, and Rick has Morty, but I'm the odd one out, so ''[starting to cry]'' I wanted to make sure we stuck together! But instead I drove us apart and Rick replaced me with an anime girl, so all I got is myself and my giant, tortured, government-trained rogue incest monster baby out there in space somewhere! :'''Jerry''': ''[comforting her]'' Oh, baby, what the fuck? ''[frowning]'' And then you have to wonder, what ''else'' are they doing with our taxes? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Beth''': They're not actually gonna attack a space baby, are they? :'''Summer''': I never thought I'd be the one to say this, but you need to watch more anime, Mom. ''[to the baby]'' Whoa! Easy there, [[w:Naruto|Naruto]]! ===''Rickternal Friendshine of the Spotless Mort'' [5.08]=== :'''Bird Person''': Rick, I do not like to pull threads - it is a disruptive and ''feline'' activity - but I must ask... :'''Rick''': I-It's fine, you don't have to-- :'''Bird Person''': Was there really a second in there where you knew about my child but chose not to inform me, on the chance that I might then grow too busy child-rearing to "hang out"? :'''Rick''': Oh, uh... weird way to thank me for discovering your kid-- :'''Bird Person''': You did not know of the child when you came to rescue me, and once aware, refrained from sharing until necessary to save ''yourself.'' :'''Rick''': ''[after an awkward pause]'' Fair enough. :'''Bird Person''': I will see you when I see you. ''[flies away]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[In a Galatic Federation prison, Bird Person and Tammy's daughter brutally beats up a fellow prisoner for bullying her]'' :'''Gromflomite Guard 1''': Jesus Christ! :'''Gromflomite Guard 2''': You ever think putting the violent ones in the same place might be counterproductive? :'''Gromflomite Guard 1''': They don't pay us to think, Phil. :'''Gromflomite Guard 2''': No, you're right, sorry. ===''Forgetting Sarick Mortshall'' [5.09]=== :'''Rick''': [Spinning the Wheel of Things Better Than Morty] Come on, anything! Anything but Morty, let's go! Come on baby, no whammies! Duh-duh-duh-duh stop! :[the wheel lands on Two Crows] :'''Rick''': Okay, that's it. Two crows. You're fired! :'''Morty''': You know what? Eat shit. You're just trying to make me feel worthless. :'''Rick''': I never said you're worthless. In fact, I've given you a very clear metric of your worth: Two crows. Note I didn't say three! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow Alien 1''': ''[on Rick's roulette wheel]'' What is that? :'''Rick''': Oh, heh, that? Th-That's... nothing. :'''Crow Alien 1''': But I see "Two Crows" written right here beside "Gene With Donkey Brains", "Half a [[w:Paul Giamatti|Paul Giamatti]]" and "Sentient Shit"! :'''Crow Alien Leader''': I guess, the joke being that crows are stupid? :'''Rick''': Look, I... think it's a little more nuanced than that-- :'''Crow Alien Leader''': Right, because you just learned empathy from us ten minutes ago, but now we're going to learn we don't get your humour? Fucking horseshit! :'''Crow Alien 2''': Yeah, there's not a ton to get, genius. The joke is your grandson was so replaceable that "even two crows could do it!" ''[chuckles dryly]'' It's funny, except it's not. <hr width="50%"/> :''[On the crow aliens' ship]'' :'''Rick''': Cool place you've got here. Very "''[[w:The Dark Crystal|Dark Crystal]]'' meets [[w:Hot Topic|Hot Topic]]". <hr width="50%"/> :'''Morty''': So we're like, back-back, right? Rick and Morty, together again. Full-full reset? :'''Rick''': [sighs] No. No, Morty, I think we're done. :'''Morty''': B-because I spilled the portal fluid and didn't tell you? :'''Rick''': No, Morty. 'Cause you were too afraid to tell me. What we had was abusive, don't you see? I'm a bad partner because I never made you a true partner. The crows made me see that. I thought they were a joke like you, but it turns out they're more enlightened than any of us. :'''Morty''': Oh, okay? And-and what's the undercut? :'''Rick''': You're not hearing me. I will never be the same. So I need to leave with the crows and see what more they can teach me. :'''Morty''': Oh. [Wipes tears] Oh. :'''Rick''': Here. [Rick hands over his portal gun to Morty] I want you to have this. :'''Morty''': Oh, wow. I... You know what, Rick? You really have changed. :'''Rick''': Thanks, Morty. [Rick starts walking away, then turns back to Morty] I'll always be your grandpa, Morty. Just kinda... obsessed with crows now. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rick''': Oh shit! ''Rick and Two Crows''! Kicking off my new franchise! The galaxy is our telephone wire! We'll do a thousand seasons, fourteen episodes each night, nine seconds a pop, because that's the future of viewing! Shows on your shoes! Sneakies! That's when you've got everybody's attention, when they're putting crap on their feet! That's when they wanna laugh, cry or feel anything besides a shoe going on their foot! Watch sitcoms on your sneakers! ''The Rick and Two Crows Show''! We're gonna be laying... laying walnuts on the road for... car tires to open 'em! Y'know what I mean? Forever! ''Rick and Two Crows'', forever! ===''Rickmurai Jack'' [5.10]=== :'''Evil Morty''': You sellout Mortys kill me. I'd hate you more than the Ricks you worship if there was any point. But you can't help it. You were ''bred'' for it. Wanna see? :''[He transmits images into Morty's mind, revealing the Citadel of Ricks creating Mortys, either by getting Jerrys and Beths together or cloning them]'' :'''Evil Morty''': You already know rogue Ricks used Mortys to hide themselves from the Citadel. But you might not know it works so well that the Citadel became its own Morty market. And I'm sure you don't know how far they've gone to help supply meat demand. Sure, Ricks could scour infinity for naturally occurring grandsons, but why bother? So much work. Such an ''admission of need.'' There aren't "infinite versions" of our grandfather, Morty - he's an infinite smear of one shitty old man. And he's attached to us infinitely through his weakness and our forgiveness. This is why we're with him... this is why we're alive. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rick''': Morty, I'm not responsible for every fucked-up Rick out there. :'''Evil Morty''': They literally ''all'' say that. They all have that excuse. It's part of their system. None of them have to be responsible, they're all victims of themselves. "Oh, it's so hard to be a genius." Couldn't you just die? :'''Morty''': Well, what are ''you'' doing about it? :'''Evil Morty''': Jack shit. I'm leaving. Do you know what the Central Finite Curve is? They built a wall around infinity. They separated all the infinite universes from all the infinite universes where ''he's'' the smartest man in the universe. Every version of us has spent every version of all of our lives in one infinite crib, built around an infinite fucking baby. And I'm leaving it. That's what makes me "evil": being sick of him. If you've ever been sick of him, you've been evil too. :'''Morty''': Rick... did you really leave the crows for me? Or did you come back because they dumped you? :''[Rick closes his eyes in shame, giving no answer]'' :'''Evil Morty''': There you go, kid. Now you're Evil Morty too. Sooner or later, we all are, on ''this'' side of the Curve. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mr. Poopybutthole turns off the TV playing the show credits.]'' :'''Mr. Poopybutthole''': Woo-wee. Evil Morty. That was quite a scheme. Makes me wonder if there’s an evil me out there. But I guess sometimes I look at my life, and I may not even need him. 'Cause... well, guess I made a pretty big mess of things myself. Ooh-wee. :''[He gets out of his chair and walks to the stove.]'' :'''Mr. Poopybutthole''': Never got my job at the university back. Remember that? Rick made me do karate. It was kinda funny, but I guess things went downhill from there. :''[He picks up a ramen package off the counter and opens it.]'' :'''Mr. Poopybutthole''': Started isolating myself from Amy. Used to tell her everything I was feeling. :''[He dumps the noodles into the pot on the stove.]'' :'''Mr. Poopybutthole''': But then I guess I stopped. :''[He picks up a photo of Amy.]'' :'''Mr. Poopybutthole''': 'Cause I wanted her to love who she thought I was, not who I felt myself becoming. :''[He puts the photo of Amy back down.]'' :'''Mr. Poopybutthole''': Ever think about how horrified the people we love would be if they found out who we truly are? So we just dig ourselves deeper into our lies every day, ''[he walks back over to the stove]'' ultimately only hurting the people brave enough to love us. :''[He pours the seasoning packet into the pot, then throws the empty packet on the floor.]'' :'''Mr. Poopybutthole''': Wish I didn’t do that. :''[He reaches into the sink and pulls out a fork. He turns off the stove and starts stirring the ramen.]'' :'''Mr. Poopybutthole''': Wish I was brave enough to love them back. I don’t know. Maybe you should try it? :''[He carries the pot over to his chair and leans against the armrest.]'' :'''Mr. Poopybutthole''': We don’t have as much time as we think. Ooh-wee. ==Special== ===''Bushworld Adventures''=== :''[Rick and Morty meet the giant coach potato Uncle Barry watching the match]'' :'''Uncle Barry''': Kick the ball! Kick the bloody ball! :'''Rick''': Uncle Barry? :'''Uncle Barry''': Yeah, mate. That's me. And who am I speaking to? :'''Rick''': Name's Rick. Dougie sent me. ''[Uncle Barry points suspiciously at Rick]'' :'''Uncle Barry''': Look, I don't know who you are, but you look like a top bloke. And I know this is weird to say, but I feel a strong bond between us. :'''Rick''': Yeah, I don't know what it is. I-I've only met you for like fifteen seconds, but it feels like fifteen years. :'''Uncle Barry''': Grab a fucking stubby, mate. ''[points at Rick]'' You're a damn legend! ''[shouts out]'' Charlene, bring our ripper legends some stubbies and a pack of menthols! :'''Rick''': ''[stoned]'' Sii-ck. <hr width=50% /> :''[after Ute Uncle Barry drops Rick and Morty off in the barren land of Bendigo]'' :'''Rick''': Ahhh, Bendigo. Beautiful Bendigo. :'''Morty''': Yeah... Bendigo. :'''Rick''': ''[pleasing sigh]'' What do ya see round here, Morty? ''[Morty looks around]'' :'''Morty''': I see... trees, scrubs... N-nothing, really. :'''Rick''': ''[pause]'' So? Where's the cube? ''[Morty pauses for a long beat]'' :'''Morty''': I don't know, you're the one who said it was in Bendigo. :'''Rick''': What the fuck are you talkin' about, Morty? I never said that. :'''Morty''': What do you mean? Why are we here, then? :'''Rick''': I don't know. I was following you, Morty. ==See also== * [[Last words in Rick and Morty|Last words in ''Rick and Morty'']] == Cast == * Rick Sanchez – [[w:Justin Roiland|Justin Roiland]] * Morty Smith – [[w:Justin Roiland|Justin Roiland]] * Jerry Smith – [[w:Chris Parnell|Chris Parnell]] * Beth Smith (née Sanchez) – [[w:Sarah Chalke|Sarah Chalke]] * Summer Smith – [[w:Spencer Grammer|Spencer Grammer]] == External links == *{{wikipedia-inline}} *{{Commonscat-inline}} * {{imdb title|2861424|Rick and Morty}} * [http://video.adultswim.com/rick-and-morty/ Official site] {{Adult Swim}} [[Category:2010s American adult animated TV shows]] [[Category:2020s American adult animated TV shows]] [[Category:2010s American black comedy TV shows]] [[Category:2020s American black comedy TV shows]] [[Category:2010s American science fiction TV shows]] [[Category:2020s American science fiction TV shows]] [[Category:2010s American sitcoms]] [[Category:2020s American sitcoms]] [[Category:2010s American surreal comedy TV shows]] [[Category:2020s American surreal comedy TV shows]] [[Category:American animated sitcoms]] [[Category:Traditionally adult animated TV shows]] [[Category:American adult animated adventure TV shows]] [[Category:American adult animated comedy TV shows]] [[Category:American adult animated science fiction TV shows]] [[Category:American comic science fiction TV shows]] [[Category:Animated space adventure TV shows]] [[Category:Current shows]] [[Category:Adult Swim shows]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about dysfunctional families]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about extraterrestrial life]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about teenagers]] gb1nv8hpzb6ok4qmediowr5aqi04qk2 0 175274 3153027 3049164 2022-08-09T22:45:09Z Peter1c 193478 /* See also */ wikitext text/x-wiki A '''[[w:Career|career]]''' is an individual's metaphorical "journey" through learning, work and other aspects of life. {{theme-stub}} ==Quotes== * It occurred to him that what had appeared perfectly impossible before, namely that he had not spent his life as he should have done, might after all be true. It occurred to him that his scarcely perceptible attempts to struggle against what was considered good by the most highly placed people, those scarcely noticeable impulses which he had immediately suppressed, might have been the real thing, and all the rest false. And his professional duties and the whole arrangement of his life and of his family, and all his social and official interests, might all have been false. He tried to defend all those things to himself and suddenly felt the weakness of what he was defending. ** [[Leo Tolstoy]], ''[[The Death of Ivan Ilyich]]'', ch.11 ==See also== * [[Academic careerism]] * [[Education]] * [[Employment]] * [[Profession]] * [[Success]] * [[Vocation]] == External links == {{wikipedia}} 0h2z72sakxyq5kqevf51mdmydaqugu0 0 175966 3152974 3020561 2022-08-09T18:42:00Z Philip Cross 7192 new headings wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:PaulJohnson1.jpg|thumb|Paul Johnson (right) 2006]] '''[[w:Paul Johnson (writer)|Paul Bede Johnson]]''' (Born [[2 November]] [[1928]]) is an English journalist, historian, speechwriter and author. == Quotes == === ''[[w:Modern Times: A History of the World from the 1920s to the 1980s|Modern Times: A History of the World from the 1920s to the 1980s]]'' (1983) === * A [[Joseph Stalin|Stalin]] functionary admitted, "Innocent people were arrested: naturally - otherwise no one would be frightened. If people, he said, were arrested only for specific misdemeanours, all the others would feel safe and so become ripe for treason. * Men are excessively ruthless and cruel not as a rule out of malice but from outraged righteousness. How much more is this true of legally constituted states, invested with all this seeming moral authority of parliaments and congresses and courts of justice! The destructive capacity of an individual, however vicious, is small; of the state, however well-intentioned, almost limitless. Expand the state and the destructive capacity necessarily expands too. Collective righteousness is far more ungovernable than any individual pursuit of revenge. That was a point well understood by [[Woodrow Wilson]], who warned: 'Once lead this people into war and they'll forget there ever was such a thing as tolerance. * Mussolini was a reluctant fascist because, underneath, he remained a Marxist, albeit a heretical one. ** (2001 ed.) p. 101. * With Lenin he shared a quasi-religious approach to politics, though in sheer crankiness he had much more in common with Hitler (…) One of his favourite books was ''Constipation and Our Civilization'', which he constantly reread. (…) His eccentricities appealed to a nation which venerates sacral oddity. But his teachings had no relevance to India’s problems. (…) His food policy would have led to mass starvation. In fact Gandhi’s own ashram (…) had to be heavily subsidized by three merchant princes.‘And Gandhi was expensive in human life as well as money. The events of 1920–21 indicated that though he could bring a mass-movement into existence, he could not control it. Yet he continued to play the sorcerer's apprentice, while the casualty bill mounted into hundreds, then thousands, then tens of thousands, and the risks of a gigantic sectarian and racial explosion accumulated. This blindness to the law of probability in a bitterly divided subcontinent made nonsense of Gandhi’s professions that he would not take life in any circumstances. ** About Mahatma Gandhi. ''Modern Times'', pp. 470–472., Quoted from Elst, Koenraad (2018). ''Why I killed the Mahatma: Uncovering Godse's defence''. New Delhi : Rupa, 2018. === ''Intellectuals'' (1988) === * It was part of [[Rousseau]]’s vanity that he believed himself incapable of base emotions. ‘I feel too superior to hate.’ ‘I love myself too much to hate anybody. === ''[[w:A History of the American People|A History of the American People]]'' (1997) === * This book is dedicated to the people of America--strong, outspoken, intense in their convictions, sometimes wrong-headed but always generous and brave, with a passion for justice no nation has ever matched. == External links== {{wikipedia|Paul Johnson (writer)}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Johnson,Paul}} [[Category:Historians from England]] [[Category:People from Manchester]] [[Category:1928 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:English journalists]] [[Category:Editors from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Biographers from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Catholics from England]] [[Category:Presidential Medal of Freedom recipients]] 1d7rwqxjq7gng6g3u44m41zzma64sqn 3152975 3152974 2022-08-09T18:42:41Z Philip Cross 7192 ce wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:PaulJohnson1.jpg|thumb|Paul Johnson (right) 2006]] '''[[w:Paul Johnson (writer)|Paul Bede Johnson]]''' (born [[2 November]] [[1928]]) is an English journalist, historian, speechwriter and author. == Quotes == === ''[[w:Modern Times: A History of the World from the 1920s to the 1980s|Modern Times: A History of the World from the 1920s to the 1980s]]'' (1983) === * A [[Joseph Stalin|Stalin]] functionary admitted, "Innocent people were arrested: naturally - otherwise no one would be frightened. If people, he said, were arrested only for specific misdemeanours, all the others would feel safe and so become ripe for treason. * Men are excessively ruthless and cruel not as a rule out of malice but from outraged righteousness. How much more is this true of legally constituted states, invested with all this seeming moral authority of parliaments and congresses and courts of justice! The destructive capacity of an individual, however vicious, is small; of the state, however well-intentioned, almost limitless. Expand the state and the destructive capacity necessarily expands too. Collective righteousness is far more ungovernable than any individual pursuit of revenge. That was a point well understood by [[Woodrow Wilson]], who warned: 'Once lead this people into war and they'll forget there ever was such a thing as tolerance. * Mussolini was a reluctant fascist because, underneath, he remained a Marxist, albeit a heretical one. ** (2001 ed.) p. 101. * With Lenin he shared a quasi-religious approach to politics, though in sheer crankiness he had much more in common with Hitler (…) One of his favourite books was ''Constipation and Our Civilization'', which he constantly reread. (…) His eccentricities appealed to a nation which venerates sacral oddity. But his teachings had no relevance to India’s problems. (…) His food policy would have led to mass starvation. In fact Gandhi’s own ashram (…) had to be heavily subsidized by three merchant princes.‘And Gandhi was expensive in human life as well as money. The events of 1920–21 indicated that though he could bring a mass-movement into existence, he could not control it. Yet he continued to play the sorcerer's apprentice, while the casualty bill mounted into hundreds, then thousands, then tens of thousands, and the risks of a gigantic sectarian and racial explosion accumulated. This blindness to the law of probability in a bitterly divided subcontinent made nonsense of Gandhi’s professions that he would not take life in any circumstances. ** About Mahatma Gandhi. ''Modern Times'', pp. 470–472., Quoted from Elst, Koenraad (2018). ''Why I killed the Mahatma: Uncovering Godse's defence''. New Delhi : Rupa, 2018. === ''Intellectuals'' (1988) === * It was part of [[Rousseau]]’s vanity that he believed himself incapable of base emotions. ‘I feel too superior to hate.’ ‘I love myself too much to hate anybody. === ''[[w:A History of the American People|A History of the American People]]'' (1997) === * This book is dedicated to the people of America--strong, outspoken, intense in their convictions, sometimes wrong-headed but always generous and brave, with a passion for justice no nation has ever matched. == External links== {{wikipedia|Paul Johnson (writer)}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Johnson,Paul}} [[Category:Historians from England]] [[Category:People from Manchester]] [[Category:1928 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:English journalists]] [[Category:Editors from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Biographers from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Catholics from England]] [[Category:Presidential Medal of Freedom recipients]] 6hn0jbzhyqbzogyji9hw7y974q54na6 0 176157 3153116 3022638 2022-08-10T02:39:34Z 175.176.31.15 /* Colonel Guile */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Street Fighter (1994 film)|Street Fighter]]''''' is a [[w:1994 in film|1994 film]] about Col. Guile and various other martial arts heroes who fight against the tyranny of Dictator M. Bison and his cohorts. It is loosely based on the video game ''[[w:Street Fighter II|Street Fighter II]]''. :''Directed and written by [[w:Steven E. de Souza|Steven E. de Souza]].'' <center>'''The ultimate battle.'''[[#Taglines|taglines]]</center> ==Colonel Guile== * Troopers! I have just received new orders. Our superiors say the war is canceled, and we can all go home. Bison is getting paid off for his crimes. And our friends who have died here, will have died.. for nothing. But, we can all go home. Meanwhile, ideas like peace, freedom, and justice; they get packed up. But, we can all go home. Well.. I'm not going home. I'm going to get on my boat, and I'm going up-river, and I'm going to kick that son-of-a-bitch Bison's ass so HARD, that the next wannabe is going to feel it. Now, who wants to go home... and who wants to go with ME?! *It's the Collection Agency, Bison. Your ass is six months over-due, and it's mine. *Four years of ROTC for this shit! * ''[to Ken and Ryu]'' The only way you two are leaving is over my dead body. * ''[to the citizens after he crashes into a building with his tank]'' You're all under arrest. * Am I right Bison? Are you man enough to fight with me? * ''[after defeating Bison]'' Bison, you're off the air! * ''[to Chun-Li after revealing himself alive and okay after getting shot by Ken during the prison break]'' If I didn't give you an interview when I was alive, no way I'm gonna do it when I'm dead. ==Bison== * I was hoping to face Guile personally on the battlefield. One gentleman warrior to another, in respectful combat, then I would snap his spine. Ah! The road not taken. But why? Why do they still call me a warlord? And mad?! All I want to do.. is to create the perfect genetic soldier! Not for power, not for evil, but for good! Carlos Blanka will be the first of many. They shall march out of my laboratory and sweep away every adversary, every creed, every nation! Until the very planet is in the loving grip of the Pax Bisonica. And then peace will reign...in the world. And all humanity... shall bow to me... in humble gratitude. * ''[to hostages]'' The world thought very little of you my dear guests. Too little to pay the pittance I asked for. Too little to even mount a decent rescue attempt. Your masters at the AN call me a wild beast. So be it. You do not deserve the martial dignity of a firing squad. No! You shall be killed BY a wild beast! A beast born of my own genius! *Game Over!! *Anyone who opposes me will be destroyed! *''[to Guile]'' Something wrong Colonel? You come here prepared to fight a madman and instead you found a god?! *''[to Guile before attempting to defeat him]'' You still refuse to ''accept'' my god-hood? Keep your own god! In fact, this might be a good time to pray to him. For I beheld Satan as he fell FROM HEAVEN! '''LIKE LIGHTNING!!''' ==Others== :'''Dhalsim:''' If good men do nothing, that is evil enough. :'''Zangief:''' Quick, change the channel! :'''Dee Jay:''' Jamaica, here I come! :'''Cammy:''' ''[after arresting Chun Li]'' Darling, basic black's not you. Prison grey, perhaps? :'''Vega:''' Where were we? ==Dialogue== :''[Ryu and Ken are being taken to a van in chains to get close to Victor Sagat and his lackey, Vega.]'' :'''Ryu''': You just had to come to this country didn't you. Why do I even listen to you? You can't sing. You can't fight. You can't even act. :'''Ken''': You know what, Ryu, I'm sick of your crap. :''[Sagat and Vega turn around to see Ryu and Ken punching each other as AN military policemen break up the fight.]'' :'''Military Policeman''': Hey! Hey! Break it up. Get in the truck. :''[The military policemen forces Ryu and Ken in the truck. The men in front move further to make room for Sagat and Vega due to knowing the two men's reputation.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Chun Li:''' ''[to Bison]'' It was twenty years ago. You hadn't promoted yourself general yet. You were just a petty drug lord. Huh. You and your gang of murderers gathered your ''small'' ounce of courage to raid across the border for food, weapons, and slave labor. ''[indicates her binds]'' My father was the village magistrate. A simple man with a simple code: justice. He gathered a few people that he could stand against you. ''[chuckles]'' You and your bullies were driven back by farmers with pitchforks. My father saved his village at the cost of his own life. You had him shot as you ran away! A hero...at a thousand paces. :'''Bison''': I'm sorry, I don't remember any of that. :'''Chun Li:''' You don't remember? :'''Bison''': For you, the day Bison graced your village, was the most important day in your life. But for me, it was Tuesday. <hr width="50%"/> :'''A.N. Official:''' ''[getting saluted by Guile]'' As you were, Colonel. :'''Colonel Guile:''' What a surprise. Welcome to the Shadaloo front. You're just in time for for the kickoff. :'''A.N. Official:''' I'm afraid not Colonel. The Security Council has just voted. They've decided to negotiate. :'''Colonel Guile:''' You're joking. :'''A.N. Official:''' We think we can deal with General Bison. You're instructed to call off the assault. Contact him. Request an extension of his deadline. We are prepared to pay the ransom demand. :'''Colonel Guile:''' Twenty billion dollars? What will prevent him from taking more hostages next month and asking for fifty billion? One-hundred billion? ''[gives him a light shove]'' :'''A.N. Official:''' Colonel, have you lost your mind? :'''Colonel Guile:''' No, you've lost your balls! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Chun Li:''' ''[reporting on GNT World News]'' Colonel Guile? Colonel Guile! Colonel Guile, Chun-Li Zang, GNT News. May we speak to you please? :'''Colonel Guile''': No. :'''Chun Li:''' But don't you want to speak to the world audience? :'''Colonel Guile''': No, but I do want to talk to someone... ''[takes Chun Li's microphone]'' That bastard Bison! I know you like to look at yourself on television, you sick son of a bitch. So look at this! ''[flips Bison off''] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ken:''' I'm sorry I talked you into this. :'''Ryu:''' I'm sorry that I listened to you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dee Jay:''' ''[upon hearing that Colonel Guile is "dead"]'' That's great news general, congratulations! :'''Bison:''' On the contrary I mourn. :'''Dee Jay:''' Okay. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Victor Sagat:''' Guile? Alive? :'''Bison:''' Of course! His death was designed to ingratiate his spies on you! ''[covers one eye]'' I guess you didn't ''see'' that, did you? Tch. This time Colonel, you die for real! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ryu:''' I know you, you're Edmond Honda. The sumo from Hawaii. Almost made from Yokozuna. :'''E. Honda:''' Until the Shadaloo Tong destroyed my repuation. :'''Barlog:''' They did the same thing in my boxing career. :'''Ken:''' ''[looks at Chun Li]'' Don't tell me, figure skating? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cammy:''' Still no sign of Bison. :'''Colonel Guile:''' He is probably hiding. :'''Bison''': ''[on computer screen]'' Hiding? What do I have to fear from you? Worker ants, scurrying about with their pitiful weapons, afraid of the purity of unarmed combat! :'''Colonel Guile:''' Come out from behind the curtain wizard! Let's see how pure your combat really is. Come on! :'''T. Hawk:''' Sir no, that's exactly what he wants! :'''Colonel Guile:''' No, T. Hawk. That's what we both want. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bison:''' You have made me a happy man. :'''Colonel Guile:''' Next, I'll make you a dead one. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Colonel Guile:''' No weapon, Bison? What happened to the purity of unarmed combat? :'''Bison:''' This is merely superconductor electromagnetism, surely you've heard of it. It levitates bullet trains from Tokyo to Osaka. It levitates my desk, where I ride the saddle of the world. And it levitates... me! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Chun Li''': Colonel Guile! How about that interview... for my network? :'''Colonel Guile:''' Sure, but only if you're wearing that dress. ==Taglines== * The ultimate battle. * Adventure is the name of the game. * Get ready for the ultimate street fight! * The ultimate battle is about to begin. * This Christmas, shop early. The streets won't be safe. * The fight to save the world is on! ==Cast== * [[Jean-Claude Van Damme]] - [[w:Guile (Street Fighter)|Colonel Gulie]] * [[w:Raúl Juliá|Raúl Juliá]] - [[w:M. Bison|Bison]] * [[w:Ming-Na Wen|Ming-Na Wen]] - [[w:Chun Li|Chun Li]] * [[w:Damian Chapa|Damian Chapa]] - [[w:Ken Masters|Ken]] * [[w:Kylie Minogue|Kylie Minogue]] - [[w:Cammy|Cammy]] * [[w:Simon Callow|Simon Callow]] - A.N. Official * Bryon Mann - [[w:Ryu (Street Fighter)|Ryu]] * [[w:Roshan Seth|Roshan Seth]] - [[w:Dhalsim|Dhalsim]] * [[w:Andrew Bryniarski |Andrew Bryniarski]] - [[w:Zangief|Zangief]] * [[w:Grand L. Bush|Grand L. Bush]] - [[w:Balrog (Street Fighter character)|Balrog]] * [[w:Robert Mammone|Robert Mammone]] - [[w:Blanka|Carlos Blanka]] * [[w:Miguel A. Núñez Jr.|Miguel A. Núñez Jr.]] - [[w: Dee Jay|Dee Jay]] * [[w:Gregg Rainwater|Gregg Rainwater]] - [[w: T. Hawk|T. Hawk]] * Kenya Sawada - [[w:Captain Sawada|Captain Sawada]] * [[w:Jay Tavare|Jay Tavare]] - [[w:Vega (Street Fighter)|Vega]] * [[w:Peter Tuiasosopo|Peter Tuiasosopo]] - [[w: E. Honda|Honda]] * [[w:Wes Studi|Wes Studi]] - [[w: Sagat (Street Fighter)|Sagat]] ==External Links== {{wikipedia|Street Fighter (1994 film)}} * {{IMDb title|id=0111301|title=Street Fighter (1994)}} * {{amg movie|134008|Street Fighter}} * {{mojo title|streetfighter|Street Fighter}} * {{rotten-tomatoes|1058516-street_fighter|Street Fighter}} [[Category:1994 films]] [[Category:Adventure films]] [[Category:Action comedy films]] [[Category:Films based on video games]] [[Category:Martial arts films]] [[Category:American films]] [[Category:Films set in Thailand]] jvyw68dfogmima4vao4ncgbvbsunxlq 0 177446 3153093 3152090 2022-08-10T02:04:27Z 2601:5CE:4380:36F0:0:0:0:851E /* Dying For Pie (4.1) */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} ---- :'''Seasons:''' [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 1|1]] '''2''' [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 3|3]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 4|4]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 5|5]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 6|6]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 7|7]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 8|8]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 9|9]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 10|10]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 11|11]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 12|12]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 13|13]] ([[SpongeBob SquarePants|Main]]) | '''Movies''': [[The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie]] / [[The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge Out of Water|Sponge Out of Water]] / [[The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge on the Run|Sponge on the Run]] | '''Spin-offs:''' [[Kamp Koral: SpongeBob's Under Years|Kamp Koral]] / [[The Patrick Star Show]] ---- <br> '''''[[w:SpongeBob_SquarePants|SpongeBob SquarePants]]''''' (1999-) is an animated TV series, airing on Nickelodeon about the adventures and endeavors of the title character and his various friends in the fictional underwater city of Bikini Bottom. It spawned [[The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie|a movie]], followed by several short films, and video games. ==Cast== *Tom Kenny as SpongeBob, Gary, Monkey, Narrator, Hans, Fish #1, Fish #2, Scotsman, Ladies, Fish #50, Squid Guard, Squid #2, Fish #71, Muscle Salesguy, Balloon Salesman, Patchy, Old Fish, Singer #1, Jellyfish, Larry, Dad, King Jellyfish, Seagull, Woman, Waiter, Clock, Sailor, Fish 1, Big Guy, Vendor, Hook Fish, Fish 156, Teenager 1 *Bill Fagerbakke as Patrick, Fish #1, Man with Bag, Painter, Fish #6, Victim, Singer #2, Rex, Dr. Manowar, Pants, Fish 4, Tomato Fish *Clancy Brown as Mr. Krabs, Vender #2, Penny, TV Fish, Man, Singer #4, Fish 1, Salesman *Rodger Bumpass as Squidward, Doctor, Voice #3, Rick, Gerbil, Singer #3, Spotter #1, Doctor, Squid Drawing, Veterinarian, Restaurant Fish, Worm, Door Fish, Fish 4, Fish 38, Wheelbarrow Fish *Mr. Lawrence as Fish #1, Fish #2, Deliever Fish, Customer #3, Larry, Delivery Man, Guy #4, Voice #4, Fish #1, Plankton, Pirate, Fish #1, Fish #40, Announcer, Cop #1, Narrator, Fish #2, Announcer, Fish #2, Copy #1, Reporter, Security Guard, Fish #4, Spotter #2, Announcer, Fish #4, Fish #5, Hot Dog Guy, P.A., Reporter, Artist, Mailman, Newsman, Student, Old Man Jenkins, Announcer, Fish 1, Pants Fish, Fish 1, Chip *Lory Alan as Lady, Pearl *Sirena Irwin as Eel, Loop, Crossing Guard, Band Member #1, Kernal, Wife Fish, Teen Fish, Teen, Customer #2, Fish #5, Fish #7, Larry's Girl, Snooty Woman, Spider, Girl #1, Girls #2, Girl #45, Squid #1, Squidette, Fish #4, #40, Woman Fish, Woman Fish, Mom, Teller, Honey, Mom, Girl Fish #1, Fish 2, Lady Fish, Mother, Auntie Fish, Old Lady Fish, Fish 65, Teenager 2 *Patrick Pinney as Painting, Cool Fish, Scoutmaster, Fish #1, Zoo Keeper, Security Guard *Brian Doyle Murray as Flying Dutchman *Dee Bradley Baker as Fish #4, Fish #6, Ticket Fish, Band Member #2, Husband Fish, Customer #1, Lifeguard, Fish #3, Fish #8, Fish #7, Fish #9, Fish #10, Captain, Cutomer #1, Fish #1, Starving Fish, Tongue Fish, Fish #6, #104, #25, Fish #2, Man on TV, Spokesman, Squid #3, Fish #1, #3, #5, #23, #31, #41, Bad Crab, Guy, Cop #2, Fish #1, #3, #4, Singer #5, Mr. Krabs Solo, Fish #1, Cop #2, Kevin, Call, Queen Jellyfish, Joe, Fish #2, Policeman, Squilliam, Fighter Fish, Fish 1, Richard, Customer 40, Customer 6, Chair, Fire Imp, House, Pirate, Fish 2, Fish 5, Janitor, Monty P. Moneybags, Workout Fish, Robot, Little Fish, Guy with Torch, Thrower, Fish 2, Cop, Fun Fish *Carlos Alazraqui as Fish #2, #3, #5, #7, Band Leader, Scooter, Angel, Fish #4, Vendor #1, Fish #1, Fish #1, Photographer, Surfer, Moat Fish *Sara Paxton as Kid Fish #1, Kid Fish #1, Little Kid, Little Girl, Kid Fish *Camryn Walling as Kid Fish #1, Kid Fish #2 *Carolyn Lawrence as Sandy, Woman, Voice #2, Girl #2, Evelyn *Brad Abrell as Bubble Buddy, Announcer *Corky Carrell as Grubby Grouper *Jill Talley as Karen, Phyllis, Girl #27, Ladies *Aaron Springer as Real-life drummer *Austin Stout as Little Boy *Michael Patrick Bell as Santa Claus *Jonathan Silsby as Puppeteer *Steve Hillenburg as Potty, Director *Mary Jo Catlett as Mrs. Puff *Seth Mumy as Kid *Guy Siner as Man Ray *Frank Welker as Clamu, Baby Oyster *Paul Tibbitt as DoodleBob, Momma Krabs *Susan Boyajian as Real Mom, Janet Mom *Tom Wilson as Real Dad, Marty Dad ==Episode 1== ===''[[w:Your Shoe's Untied|Your Shoe's Untied (1.1)]]''=== :'''Patrick''': ''[SpongeBob's feet are stomped into the floor of the Krusty Krab]'' SpongeBob, you're shorter. Have you been dieting? :'''SpongeBob''': Heh, well, a sponge has to look his spongiest. ===''Squid's Day Off (1.2)''=== :'''Mr. Krabs''': I can think of ten good reasons to never let go of a dime, boy. ==Episode 2== ===''[[w:Something Smells|Something Smells (2.1)]]''=== :'''SpongeBob''': I'm ugly and I'm proud, I'm ugly and I'm proud, I'm ugly and I'm proud! :'''Squidward''': Is that what he calls it? ===''Bossy Boots (2.2)''=== :'''Pearl''': SpongeBob, what do you like better? The Kutie Krab...or the Kooky Krab? :'''Squidward''': For what, dare I ask? :'''Pearl''': The new name for our new look. I mean, "The Krusty Krab" has got to go. Who wants to eat at a place they think is crusty? Bleh! :'''Squidward''': Well, sure it's a terrible name, but this is a terrible place. Therefore, the name should be left alone. Right, SpongeBob? :'''SpongeBob''': I got it! How about The Khaotic Krab? :'''Pearl''': Hmm... how about The Kissy Krab? ''[smooches]'' :'''SpongeBob''': ''[dressed as a king]'' The King Krab. :'''Pearl''': ''[holds up a lollipop]'' The Kandy Krab! :'''SpongeBob''': ''[dressed in hip hop clothes]'' The Kool Krab. :''[dressed as a cowboy]'' Or the Kowboy Krab! :''[stretched out]'' The Kurly Krab! :''[dressed as a mad scientist]'' The Kreepy Krab! :''[dressed as a crazy killer jungle man]'' The Killer Krab! :'''Pearl''': ''[groans]'' NO! :'''SpongeBob''': You're right, too scary. :''[pause]'' :'''SpongeBob and Pearl''': The Kuddly Krab! ''[hug and laugh]'' ==Episode 3== ===''Big Pink Loser (3.1)''=== :''[Patrick showing SpongeBob his award]'' :'''SpongeBob''': ''[reading award caption]'' "For outstanding achievement in achievement" - 'SpongeBob SquarePants'? :'''Patrick''': "SpongeBob SquarePants"? That's a funny way to spell my name. :'''SpongeBob''': Uh, Patrick, I think the award is for me. You must have got it by mistake. :'''Patrick''': ''[sadly]'' But, it's shiny! ''[starts to cry]'' :'''SpongeBob''': Yeah, but, you know what else is shiny? :'''Patrick''': Ice cream! :'''SpongeBob''': Exactly! :'''Patrick''': I can find it! Is it in here? :'''SpongeBob''': No, don't! That's my-- ''[Patrick opens the door and an enormous pile of trophies tumble out]'' ...award closet. :'''Patrick''': '''''I WANT AN AWARD!''''' :'''Caller''': Is this the Krusty Krab? :'''Patrick''': No, this is Patrick. :'''Caller#2''': Is this the Krusty Krab? :'''Patrick''': No, this is Patrick. :'''Caller#3''': Is this the Krusty Krab? :'''Patrick''': '''''No, this is Patrick!''''' I'm not a Krusty Krab. :'''SpongeBob''': Uhh, Patrick, that's the name of the restaurant. What’s so great about being a big pink loser? ===''Bubble Buddy (3.2)''=== :'''Squidward''': Here, one of everything! No cheese, no crust, no pickles to the left, four squirts of ketchup, wheat buns, non-dairy lettuce, and farm-raised tomatoes ''carnival style!'' And if there is anything else I can do, '''please hesitate''' to ask! ==Episode 4== ===''Dying For Pie (4.1)''=== :'''Mr. Krabs''': So, are you ready? :'''Squidward''': To go home? :'''Mr. Krabs''': No, to exchange gifts for Employee Brotherhood Day! :'''Squidward''': Mr. Krabs, you pay me to stand behind this register, and take orders, and give change. But you could never pay me enough to act brotherly towards ''that guy! [points to SpongeBob]'' <hr width =50%"> :'''Squidward''': WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE?! :'''SpongeBob''': Well, since we've finished everything on the list, I thought I'd make up a new one. I already filled up this book with ideas. (''holds up a book that says Friends 4ever'') We should be able to finish by January. :'''Squidward''': (''slaps book away'') '''FORGET THE BOOK!!!''' I spent the whole day with you doing all kinds of ridiculous things because ''you'' were supposed to explode! :'''SpongeBob''': You want me to explode? :'''Squidward''': Yes, that's what I've been waiting for! :'''SpongeBob''': Okay, I'll try. (''grunts and yells'') '''GARY! YOU ARE GONNA FINISH YOUR DESSERT, AND YOU ARE GONNA LIKE IT!!!''' (''laughs'') Now it's your turn. :'''Squidward''': (''yells, hops up and down furiously'') ‘’’THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT, YOU BARNACLE HEAD!!!’’’ :'''SpongeBob''': (''claps'') Oo, good one. :'''Squidward''': NO! You're supposed to explode into a million pieces! (''flaps his arms'') :'''SpongeBob''': Why would I do that? :'''Squidward''': Because that pie you ate was a bomb! :'''SpongeBob''': What pie? :'''Squidward''': The one I left sitting on the counter this morning that I bought from pirates for 25 bucks, and I didn't know it was a bomb, and you ate it...THAT PIE! :'''SpongeBob''': Pie...pie...oh, you mean this pie! I was saving it in my pocket for us to share. Let's eat! (''trips on a rock'') Oops! [''The pie flies into Squidward's face in slow motion, causing an explosion in Bikini Bottom the size of an atomic bomb''] :'''Squidward''': Ouch. ===''Imitation Krabs (4.2)''=== :'''SpongeBob''': I thought you wanted to ask me a question. :'''Mr. Krabs''': ''[angrily]'' Yes, why aren't you working ''harder?!'' :'''SpongeBob''': ''[blankly]'' I don't know, Mr. Krabs. I don't know... ==Episode 5== ===''Wormy (5.1)''=== :'''Squidward''': That's it. I'm getting off the loony express. ===''Patty Hype (5.2)''=== :'''SpongeBob''': Hey, Patrick, are you angry too? :'''Patrick''': Yeah! :'''SpongeBob''': What's the matter? :'''Patrick''': I can't see my forehead! ==Episode 6== ===''Grandma's Kisses (6.1)''=== :'''Grandma''': You don't have to be a baby to get all of Grandma's love. :'''SpongeBob''': I don't? :'''Grandma''': Of course not. No matter how big you get, you will always be my little baby boo, and remember, you can kiss your grandma and still be an adult. ===''Squidville (6.2)''=== :'''Squidward''': SpongeBob, this is the final straw. I'm going to move so far away that I will be able to brag about it. I would... ''[a piece of debris from his house falls on his head]'' I would rather tear out my brain-stem, carry it out into the middle of the nearest 4-way intersection, and skip rope with it, than go on living where I do now. :''[A TV falls on the ground]'' :'''Announcer:''' Hi, there! Is this the final straw? Do you want to move so far away that you can brag about it? Would you rather tear out your brain-stem, walk out to the middle of the nearest 3-way– :'''Squidward:''' ''4''-way! :'''Announcer:''' ''4''-way intersection and skip rope with it, than continue living where you do now? Then move to– :'''Patrick:''' ''[suddenly changes the channel to a static screen]'' I ''hate'' this channel. :'''Squidward:''' NO, ''NO!'' ''[changes it back]'' :'''Announcer:''' ...Tentacle Acres! Where happiness is just a suction cup away! ==Episode 7== ===''Pre-Hibernation Week (7.1)''=== :''[Sandy finds SpongeBob's clothes hanging off of a bush]'' :'''Sandy''': SpongeBob's tie... and all his other little dressins? But... SpongeBob always folds his clothes before running around... '''IN THE ''NUDE!''''' Something terrible must have happened to him! ===''Life of Crime (7.2)''=== :'''Patrick''': I wanna go home. :'''SpongeBob:''' We can never go home, Pat; We’re wanted men. We’ll spend the rest of our lives running... running, but at least it’s warmer on the fire. :'''Patrick''': Hey, if we’re underwater, how could there be a...? ''[The fire dissolves]'' I’m scared, SpongeBob. ==[[w:Christmas Who?|''Christmas Who?'' (Episode 8)]]== :'''Squidward''': I can't believe anyone would celebrate a holiday where a jolly prowler breaks into your house and leaves gifts. :'''Patrick''': Like a genie. ==Episode 9== ===''Survival of the Idiots (9.1)''=== :'''Spongebob''': ''[as "Dirty Dan"; in a southern voice]'' Alright Pinhead, your time is up. :'''Patrick''': ''[as "Pinhead Larry"; with a looney, bucktooth face]'' Who you callin' Pinhead? I wanna be Dirty Dan! :'''SpongeBob''': What makes you think you can be Dirty Dan? :'''Patrick''': I'm Dirty... ''[SpongeBob hits him with a baseball bat made of snow]'' :'''SpongeBob''': I say I'm Dirty Dan. :'''Patrick''': ''[rushes to get a spiked-bat made of snow]'' I say ''I'm'' Dirty Dan! :'''SpongeBob''': ''[hits Patrick]'' I say I'm Dirty Dan. :'''Patrick''': ''[hits SpongeBob]'' I'm Dirty Dan! :'''SpongeBob''': I'm Dirty Dan! :'''Patrick''': I'm Dirty Dan! :''[They continue to hit each other while saying "I'm Dirty Dan!"]'' ===''Dumped (9.2)''=== :'''Patrick''': Would it be all right if Gary and I did some laundry over here? :'''SpongeBob''': Laundry? But ''we'' used to do laundry! :'''Patrick''': And, uh... SpongeBob, could we borrow some soap? :'''SpongeBob''': ''[on the verge of breaking down]'' Soap? But ''we'' used to use soap! ''[holds up two different types of soap]'' Do you want Fresh Scent or Heavy Du-Du-Du...? :'''Patrick''': Here it comes. :'''SpongeBob''': ...Du-Du-- ''[crying]'' --Tty-yyy-yyy!?! ==Episode 10== ===''No Free Rides (10.1)''=== :'''SpongeBob''': Okay, Mrs. Puff, what's my final score? :'''Mrs. Puff''': 6. :'''SpongeBob''': Whoo! And how many do I need to pass? :'''Mrs. Puff''': 6. :'''SpongeBob''': ''[bending over and rising up very slowly]'' Whoo– :'''Mrs. Puff''': Hundred. :'''SpongeBob''': Wha? :'''Mrs. Puff''': 6''00''. You need 600 to pass. You got 6. ===''I'm Your Biggest Fanatic (10.2)''=== :'''SpongeBob''': But Kevin, I was your biggest fan! :'''Kevin''': So were they. ''[points down to some fans he has managed to get rid of, trapped at the bottom of the ledge at a campfire]'' :'''Fish''': Hey, look everyone! Kevin's back! ''[they cheer]'' ==Episode 11== ===''Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy III (11.1)''=== :''[Man Ray sits on the floor with a hand over his face, pretending to cry]'' :'''Man Ray''': Boo-hoo-hoo! Oh, sob...! Oh, cry...! ''[peeks through his fingers to see if SpongeBob and Patrick are watching]'' Oh, woe is me! You don't know what it's like, being evil for so long! Oh, how I wish to be good! If only some kind heroes would show me the path to decency! :''[SpongeBob and Patrick beam at one another]'' :'''SpongeBob''': ''We'' could teach you how to be good and then we'll let you go! :'''Man Ray''': Oh, that would be fantastic! ''[to himself]'' I'll fake my way through this, just like I did in high school. ===''Squirrel Jokes (11.2)''=== :'''SpongeBob''': Hey, why does it take more than one squirrel to change a lightbulb? :'''Fish''': Why?! :'''SpongeBob''': Because, they're so darn stupid! ==Episode 12== ===''Pressure (12.1)''=== :'''Sandy''': I'm a squirrel. See? ''[points to the acorn logo on her suit]'' :'''SpongeBob''': I thought that meant you were nuts. ===''[[w:The Smoking Peanut|The Smoking Peanut (12.2)]]''=== :'''Zoo Worker #1''': What's wrong with Clamu? :'''Joe''': Easy, girl! It's me, Joe! Remember? :''[Clamu snarls as if it sounds like a belch and uses her tongue to throw Joe out of Oyster Stadium. Patrick and a nervous SpongeBob wait at the stands]'' :'''Patrick''': Now, this is a show! :''[Outside...]'' :'''Announcer''': Attention, zoo patrons! Clamu, the giant oyster is on an emotional rampage! Please scream and run around in circles. ''[everybody runs for their lives and screams]'' Thanks for coming. :''[In the stadium, Clamu is still smashing things and making snarling belch noises. The zoo worker goes up to SpongeBob and Patrick]'' :'''Zoo Worker #1''': You boys better get out of this area, pronto! There's nothing more dangerous than an emotionally disturbed oyster. ''[The worker points menacingly at SpongeBob]'' You didn't do anything that might have caused this horrible tragedy, did you?! :'''SpongeBob''': Uh... :'''Patrick''': No way! Only a jerk would upset a gentle giant. Right, SpongeBob? :''[SpongeBob hides the peanut bag]'' :'''SpongeBob''': Right. ''[SpongeBob lets out a nervous shriek]'' :''[Clamu chomps on a piece of metal. Cut to Patrick and SpongeBob leaving the zoo]'' :'''Patrick''': If I saw that guy, I'd have a few choice words for him. Like "you" and "are", and... "a jerk"! <hr width=50%> :'''Zoo Worker #1''': Mr. Krabs has stolen a very important item from the oyster. [rips off Mr. Krabs' clothes by accident] Behold! ''[the crowd gets disgusted]'' Wait a minute... ''[reveals Clamu's pearl]'' Behold! The oyster's pearl! ''[The crowd gasps in shock; the zoo worker then gives the pearl to Clamu]'' Here you go, girl. :''[Clamu sniffs her pearl and the crowd cheers. But suddenly, the pearl starts to crack. And to everyone's amazement, it hatches into a baby oyster.]'' :'''Baby Oyster''': Mama! Mama! :'''SpongeBob''': Mother of pearl! The oyster's a mother! And that pearl's no pearl, it's an egg! :'''Baby Oyster''': Mama! :'''Clamu''': Aww! :''[The baby oyster and Clamu embrace each other.]'' :'''All''': Awww... ''[They glare at Mr. Krabs]'' :'''Mr. Krabs''': ''[nervously]'' But it's... Free Day! :''[The crowd boos as they throw peanuts at Mr. Krabs, burying him.]'' ==Episode 13== ===''[[w:Shanghaied (SpongeBob SquarePants)|Shanghaied (13.1)]]''=== :'''Dutchman''': I’ve been thinking. ''[notices SpongeBob and Patrick]'' Stop bouncing! ''[they both stop]'' This whole crew for eternity thing isn’t working out… It’s not really you so much as it is me… :'''SpongeBob''': You’re setting us free? :'''Dutchman''': Well actually, I’m just gonna eat you. See you at dinner! ''[leaves]'' ===''[[w:Gary Takes a Bath|Gary Takes a Bath (13.2)]]''=== :''[SpongeBob, in his attempt to get Gary to bathe, tries hypnotizing him]'' :'''SpongeBob''': I am now going to assault your mind with subliminal messages! :''[Images of a bathtub, a shower, a bar of soap, and then a picture of a girl with pigtails and crooked teeth appear]'' :'''SpongeBob''': ''[walking away]'' Sorry you had to see that. ==Episode 14== ===''[[w:Welcome to the Chum Bucket|Welcome to the Chum Bucket (14.1)]]''=== :'''Robot SpongeBob''': ''[turning on]'' Bee-beep-doodle-le-dee-doo... ''RESPONSE - WHY DON'T YOU ASK ME LATER?'' :'''Plankton''': '''What?! ''WHAT?!?''''' :'''Robot SpongeBob''': ''GET WELDED.'' :'''Plankton''': ''WAIT, '''I COMMAND YOU MAKE ME A KRABBY PATTY!!''''' :'''Robot SpongeBob''': ''[while reading some comics and takes a drink from his soda] I DON'T WANNA.'' ===''Frankendoodle (14.2)''=== :''[SpongeBob draws a jellyfish in the ground with the giant pencil.]'' :'''SpongeBob''': It's a jellyfish! :'''Patrick''': Pretty good, SpongeBob, but its lacking basic construction, and your perspective leaves a lot to be desired. :'''SpongeBob''': Huh! Everybody's a critic. ''[Patrick notices the jellyfish drawing is coming to life.]'' :'''Patrick''': SpongeBob! Your drawing's coming to life! :'''SpongeBob''': ''[oblivious]'' Now, that's more like it, Mr. Critic! :'''Patrick''': ''[pointing to the jellyfish]'' No, I mean it's swimming away! :'''SpongeBob''': Do you know what this means, Patrick? :'''Patrick''': Your art can never hang in a museum. ==Episode 15== ===''The Secret Box (15.1)''=== :'''Patrick''': You may be an open book, SpongeBob, but I'm a bit more complicated than that. The inner machinations of my mind are an enigma. ''[A thought bubble appears, showing a milk carton falling over and spilling]'' ===''[[w:Band Geeks|Band Geeks (15.2)]]''=== :'''Squidward''': ''[on phone]'' Hello, you've reached the house of unrecognized talent. Please start after the– ''[blows clarinet]'' :'''Squilliam Fancyson''': Sounds as though you've got a dying animal to attend to, eh, old chum? :'''Squidward''': ''[shocked]'' Squilliam Fancyson from band class?! :'''Squilliam''': I heard you're playing the cash register now. :'''Squidward''': Yeah, well, sometimes. How's the unibrow? :'''Squilliam''': It's big and valuable. I'm the leader of a big, fancy band now, and we're supposed to play at the Bubble Bowl next week! :'''Squidward''': The bu-bu-bu-bu, bu-bu-bu-bu, bu-bu-bu-bu...? :'''Squilliam''': That's right! I'm living ''your'' dream, Squidward! The problem is I'm busy next week and can't make, so I was hoping you and your band could cover for us. :'''Squidward''': Oh, I, uh, uh, uh... :'''Squilliam''': I knew it! You don't even have a band! Well, I'll just let you get back to the service industry now! :'''Squidward''': ''[angry at the comment] '''HOLD IT!''' [Squilliam perks up as he was about to hang up]'' It just so happens that I ''don't'' sell fast food! I ''do'' have a band, and we're going to play at ''that Bubble Bowl''! How do you like ''that'', Fancy'''''Boy?!''''' :'''Squilliam''': Good luck next Tuesday! I hope the audience brings lots of... ''IBUPROFEN! [hangs up]'' ==Episode 16== ===''[[w:Graveyard Shift (SpongeBob SquarePants)|Graveyard Shift (16.1)]]''=== <hr width=50%> :'''SpongeBob''': Isn't this great, Squidward? Just you and me together for hours and hours and hours, and then the sun will come up, and it'll be tomorrow and we'll still be working! ''[gasps]'' It'll be just like a sleepover, only we'll be sweaty and covered with ''grease''! Are you ready to rock, Squidward?! :'''Squidward''': No. :'''SpongeBob''': Good! 'Cause we got customers! :'''Squidward''': Here. ''[hands a baseball bat to a customer]'' Please hit me as hard as you can. :'''SpongeBob''': Hey, Squidward. I'm working in the kitchen… ''[giggles]'' At night. :'''Squidward''': ''[tilts his head sideways to the customer with the bat]'' Don't hold back. ===''[[w:Krusty Love|Krusty Love (16.2)]]''=== :'''Mr. Krabs''': $49.0... 8? That's a penny short! ''[cries]'' :'''Squidward''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh no, not a penny. Help, somebody help us. ==Episode 17== ===''Procrastination (17.1)''=== :'''Mail Fish''': Package for Mr. Squarepants. :'''SpongeBob''': Great! Thanks. ''[trying to strike up a conversation]'' So, uh, you like delivering mail? :'''Mail Fish''': It puts bread on the table. :'''SpongeBob''': Rye or pumpernickel? ''[laughs]'' :'''Mail Fish''': Oh, brother. :'''SpongeBob''': So, do you deliver your own mail, or do you have your own mail person? But then who delivers ''his'' mail? Is there a never-ending chain of mailmen delivering mail to other mailmen? Well, I guess a P.O. box could in theory break the chain-- :'''Mail Fish''': ''[interrupting]'' Don't you have a paper to write? ===''[[w:I'm with Stupid (SpongeBob SquarePants)|I'm with Stupid (17.2)]]''=== :'''Patrick''': You know something, SpongeBob? It's all fun and games for you. Nothing really matters. ''[sarcastically]'' "Oh, let's go jellyfishing! We don't have any work to do." ''[angrily]'' Life's just a big bowl of fancy assorted cashews! And nobody has anything to dust, or to clean, or to wipe… ''[getting increasingly worked up]'' ...Or ''FABRICATE!'' :'''SpongeBob''': ''[gently]'' But Patrick, the only thing I've ever seen you clean is your plate. :''[Patrick looks at SpongeBob for a split second, then falls at his feet and breaks down into tears]'' :'''SpongeBob''': Patrick! You've forgotten how to eat again! Come on, we'll get the funnel. :'''Patrick''': No it's not that, SpongeBob. It's worse! :'''SpongeBob''': Darn, I like the funnel. ==Episode 18== ===''[[w:Sailor Mouth|Sailor Mouth (18.1)]]''=== :'''SpongeBob''': Wow, 13. :'''Patrick''': That's a lot of bad words. ''[dolphin noise]'' ===''Artist Unknown (18.2)''=== :'''Squidward''': Now repeat after me. I have no talent. :'''SpongeBob''': "I have no talent." :'''Squidward''': Mr. Tentacles has all the talent. :'''SpongeBob''': "Mr. Tentacles has all the talent." :'''Squidward''': If I'm lucky, some of Mr. Tentacle's talent will rub off on me. :'''SpongeBob''': "If I'm lucky, Mr. Talent... will rub his tentacles... on my art." ''[Pause]'' :'''Squidward''': ''[unenthusiastically]'' Whatever. ==Episode 19== ===''Jellyfish Hunter (19.1)''=== :'''Mr. Krabs''': What don't you understand about "More"!? ''[multiple of SpongeBobs are watching jellyfishes]'' More! More! More. More. More! More. More! ''[He grimaces and demands more]'' More, more, more, more, more! ''MOOOOORE!!! [Cut to night. A sign reading "Jellyfish Fields: Population 4 is seen. The word "000,000" is crossed out]'' :'''SpongeBob''': Well, there's no more! Now, ''that's'' jellyfishing! ===''The Fry Cook Games (19.2)''=== :'''Patrick''': D'oh, come on, you're just flipping Patties. :'''SpongeBob''': Hey, flipping is not as easy as it sounds! ''[Patrick flips over a rock with his foot and makes a sizzling noise]'' Why don't you go home, Patrick? You can compete in the "Laying Under a Rock All Day" Games! :'''Patrick''': ''[shocked]'' Well, at least, I don't polish my fingernails! :'''SpongeBob''': ''[gasps]'' You take that back! ''[a gleam shows at the tip of his fingernails]'' :'''Patrick''': ''[mocking]'' Fingernails, fingernails, fingernails! :'''SpongeBob''': You don't even have fingernails! :'''Patrick''': ''[shocked]'' I cannot believe what I am hearing! :'''SpongeBob''': How can you hear it? You don't have ears either! :'''Patrick''': ''[thinking of a way to say something about SpongeBob then spots his holes]'' Er... Holes, holes! :'''SpongeBob''': Conehead! :'''Patrick''': Yellow! :'''SpongeBob''': Pink! ==Episode 20== ===''Squid on Strike (20.1)''=== :'''Squidward''': Nobody cares about the fate of laborers as long as they can get their instant gratification. ===''Sandy, SpongeBob and the Worm (20.2)''=== :'''Sandy''': Who's the strongest critter in Bikini Bottom? ''[pulls a live-action boat down underwater by its anchor]'' :'''SpongeBob''': You are. :'''Sandy''': And who put the, hiyah-hah-huah, "''K''" in "karate"?! :'''SpongeBob''': ''[body is shaped like a "U"] You'' did. :'''Sandy''': And who saves your yellow backside from certain destruction on a regular basis? ''[SpongeBob's backside reads "Property of Sandy Cheeks"]'' :'''SpongeBob''': You do. ==External links== {{Wikipedia|SpongeBob SquarePants (season 2)}} [[Category:SpongeBob SquarePants seasons]] [[Category:SpongeBob SquarePants]] 1vm6nn65kef056wicm3mz1sq0wxz5yr 3153095 3153093 2022-08-10T02:06:06Z 2601:5CE:4380:36F0:0:0:0:851E /* Dying For Pie (4.1) * wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} ---- :'''Seasons:''' [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 1|1]] '''2''' [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 3|3]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 4|4]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 5|5]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 6|6]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 7|7]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 8|8]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 9|9]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 10|10]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 11|11]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 12|12]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 13|13]] ([[SpongeBob SquarePants|Main]]) | '''Movies''': [[The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie]] / [[The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge Out of Water|Sponge Out of Water]] / [[The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge on the Run|Sponge on the Run]] | '''Spin-offs:''' [[Kamp Koral: SpongeBob's Under Years|Kamp Koral]] / [[The Patrick Star Show]] ---- <br> '''''[[w:SpongeBob_SquarePants|SpongeBob SquarePants]]''''' (1999-) is an animated TV series, airing on Nickelodeon about the adventures and endeavors of the title character and his various friends in the fictional underwater city of Bikini Bottom. It spawned [[The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie|a movie]], followed by several short films, and video games. ==Cast== *Tom Kenny as SpongeBob, Gary, Monkey, Narrator, Hans, Fish #1, Fish #2, Scotsman, Ladies, Fish #50, Squid Guard, Squid #2, Fish #71, Muscle Salesguy, Balloon Salesman, Patchy, Old Fish, Singer #1, Jellyfish, Larry, Dad, King Jellyfish, Seagull, Woman, Waiter, Clock, Sailor, Fish 1, Big Guy, Vendor, Hook Fish, Fish 156, Teenager 1 *Bill Fagerbakke as Patrick, Fish #1, Man with Bag, Painter, Fish #6, Victim, Singer #2, Rex, Dr. Manowar, Pants, Fish 4, Tomato Fish *Clancy Brown as Mr. Krabs, Vender #2, Penny, TV Fish, Man, Singer #4, Fish 1, Salesman *Rodger Bumpass as Squidward, Doctor, Voice #3, Rick, Gerbil, Singer #3, Spotter #1, Doctor, Squid Drawing, Veterinarian, Restaurant Fish, Worm, Door Fish, Fish 4, Fish 38, Wheelbarrow Fish *Mr. Lawrence as Fish #1, Fish #2, Deliever Fish, Customer #3, Larry, Delivery Man, Guy #4, Voice #4, Fish #1, Plankton, Pirate, Fish #1, Fish #40, Announcer, Cop #1, Narrator, Fish #2, Announcer, Fish #2, Copy #1, Reporter, Security Guard, Fish #4, Spotter #2, Announcer, Fish #4, Fish #5, Hot Dog Guy, P.A., Reporter, Artist, Mailman, Newsman, Student, Old Man Jenkins, Announcer, Fish 1, Pants Fish, Fish 1, Chip *Lory Alan as Lady, Pearl *Sirena Irwin as Eel, Loop, Crossing Guard, Band Member #1, Kernal, Wife Fish, Teen Fish, Teen, Customer #2, Fish #5, Fish #7, Larry's Girl, Snooty Woman, Spider, Girl #1, Girls #2, Girl #45, Squid #1, Squidette, Fish #4, #40, Woman Fish, Woman Fish, Mom, Teller, Honey, Mom, Girl Fish #1, Fish 2, Lady Fish, Mother, Auntie Fish, Old Lady Fish, Fish 65, Teenager 2 *Patrick Pinney as Painting, Cool Fish, Scoutmaster, Fish #1, Zoo Keeper, Security Guard *Brian Doyle Murray as Flying Dutchman *Dee Bradley Baker as Fish #4, Fish #6, Ticket Fish, Band Member #2, Husband Fish, Customer #1, Lifeguard, Fish #3, Fish #8, Fish #7, Fish #9, Fish #10, Captain, Cutomer #1, Fish #1, Starving Fish, Tongue Fish, Fish #6, #104, #25, Fish #2, Man on TV, Spokesman, Squid #3, Fish #1, #3, #5, #23, #31, #41, Bad Crab, Guy, Cop #2, Fish #1, #3, #4, Singer #5, Mr. Krabs Solo, Fish #1, Cop #2, Kevin, Call, Queen Jellyfish, Joe, Fish #2, Policeman, Squilliam, Fighter Fish, Fish 1, Richard, Customer 40, Customer 6, Chair, Fire Imp, House, Pirate, Fish 2, Fish 5, Janitor, Monty P. Moneybags, Workout Fish, Robot, Little Fish, Guy with Torch, Thrower, Fish 2, Cop, Fun Fish *Carlos Alazraqui as Fish #2, #3, #5, #7, Band Leader, Scooter, Angel, Fish #4, Vendor #1, Fish #1, Fish #1, Photographer, Surfer, Moat Fish *Sara Paxton as Kid Fish #1, Kid Fish #1, Little Kid, Little Girl, Kid Fish *Camryn Walling as Kid Fish #1, Kid Fish #2 *Carolyn Lawrence as Sandy, Woman, Voice #2, Girl #2, Evelyn *Brad Abrell as Bubble Buddy, Announcer *Corky Carrell as Grubby Grouper *Jill Talley as Karen, Phyllis, Girl #27, Ladies *Aaron Springer as Real-life drummer *Austin Stout as Little Boy *Michael Patrick Bell as Santa Claus *Jonathan Silsby as Puppeteer *Steve Hillenburg as Potty, Director *Mary Jo Catlett as Mrs. Puff *Seth Mumy as Kid *Guy Siner as Man Ray *Frank Welker as Clamu, Baby Oyster *Paul Tibbitt as DoodleBob, Momma Krabs *Susan Boyajian as Real Mom, Janet Mom *Tom Wilson as Real Dad, Marty Dad ==Episode 1== ===''[[w:Your Shoe's Untied|Your Shoe's Untied (1.1)]]''=== :'''Patrick''': ''[SpongeBob's feet are stomped into the floor of the Krusty Krab]'' SpongeBob, you're shorter. Have you been dieting? :'''SpongeBob''': Heh, well, a sponge has to look his spongiest. ===''Squid's Day Off (1.2)''=== :'''Mr. Krabs''': I can think of ten good reasons to never let go of a dime, boy. ==Episode 2== ===''[[w:Something Smells|Something Smells (2.1)]]''=== :'''SpongeBob''': I'm ugly and I'm proud, I'm ugly and I'm proud, I'm ugly and I'm proud! :'''Squidward''': Is that what he calls it? ===''Bossy Boots (2.2)''=== :'''Pearl''': SpongeBob, what do you like better? The Kutie Krab...or the Kooky Krab? :'''Squidward''': For what, dare I ask? :'''Pearl''': The new name for our new look. I mean, "The Krusty Krab" has got to go. Who wants to eat at a place they think is crusty? Bleh! :'''Squidward''': Well, sure it's a terrible name, but this is a terrible place. Therefore, the name should be left alone. Right, SpongeBob? :'''SpongeBob''': I got it! How about The Khaotic Krab? :'''Pearl''': Hmm... how about The Kissy Krab? ''[smooches]'' :'''SpongeBob''': ''[dressed as a king]'' The King Krab. :'''Pearl''': ''[holds up a lollipop]'' The Kandy Krab! :'''SpongeBob''': ''[dressed in hip hop clothes]'' The Kool Krab. :''[dressed as a cowboy]'' Or the Kowboy Krab! :''[stretched out]'' The Kurly Krab! :''[dressed as a mad scientist]'' The Kreepy Krab! :''[dressed as a crazy killer jungle man]'' The Killer Krab! :'''Pearl''': ''[groans]'' NO! :'''SpongeBob''': You're right, too scary. :''[pause]'' :'''SpongeBob and Pearl''': The Kuddly Krab! ''[hug and laugh]'' ==Episode 3== ===''Big Pink Loser (3.1)''=== :''[Patrick showing SpongeBob his award]'' :'''SpongeBob''': ''[reading award caption]'' "For outstanding achievement in achievement" - 'SpongeBob SquarePants'? :'''Patrick''': "SpongeBob SquarePants"? That's a funny way to spell my name. :'''SpongeBob''': Uh, Patrick, I think the award is for me. You must have got it by mistake. :'''Patrick''': ''[sadly]'' But, it's shiny! ''[starts to cry]'' :'''SpongeBob''': Yeah, but, you know what else is shiny? :'''Patrick''': Ice cream! :'''SpongeBob''': Exactly! :'''Patrick''': I can find it! Is it in here? :'''SpongeBob''': No, don't! That's my-- ''[Patrick opens the door and an enormous pile of trophies tumble out]'' ...award closet. :'''Patrick''': '''''I WANT AN AWARD!''''' :'''Caller''': Is this the Krusty Krab? :'''Patrick''': No, this is Patrick. :'''Caller#2''': Is this the Krusty Krab? :'''Patrick''': No, this is Patrick. :'''Caller#3''': Is this the Krusty Krab? :'''Patrick''': '''''No, this is Patrick!''''' I'm not a Krusty Krab. :'''SpongeBob''': Uhh, Patrick, that's the name of the restaurant. What’s so great about being a big pink loser? ===''Bubble Buddy (3.2)''=== :'''Squidward''': Here, one of everything! No cheese, no crust, no pickles to the left, four squirts of ketchup, wheat buns, non-dairy lettuce, and farm-raised tomatoes ''carnival style!'' And if there is anything else I can do, '''please hesitate''' to ask! ==Episode 4== ===''Dying For Pie (4.1)''=== :'''Mr. Krabs''': So, are you ready? :'''Squidward''': To go home? :'''Mr. Krabs''': No, to exchange gifts for Employee Brotherhood Day! :'''Squidward''': Mr. Krabs, you pay me to stand behind this register, and take orders, and give change. But you could never pay me enough to act brotherly towards ''that guy! [points to SpongeBob]'' <hr width =50%"> :'''Squidward''': WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE?! :'''SpongeBob''': Well, since we've finished everything on the list, I thought I'd make up a new one. I already filled up this book with ideas. (''holds up a book that says Friends 4ever'') We should be able to finish by January. :'''Squidward''': (''slaps book away'') '''FORGET THE BOOK!!!''' I spent the whole day with you doing all kinds of ridiculous things because ''you'' were supposed to explode! :'''SpongeBob''': You want me to explode? :'''Squidward''': Yes, that's what I've been waiting for! :'''SpongeBob''': Okay, I'll try. (''grunts and yells'') '''GARY! YOU ARE GONNA FINISH YOUR DESSERT, AND YOU ARE GONNA LIKE IT!!!''' (''laughs'') Now it's your turn. :'''Squidward''': (''yells, hops up and down furiously'') THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT, YOU BARNACLE HEAD!!! :'''SpongeBob''': (''claps'') Oo, good one. :'''Squidward''': NO! You're supposed to explode into a million pieces! (''flaps his arms'') :'''SpongeBob''': Why would I do that? :'''Squidward''': Because that pie you ate was a bomb! :'''SpongeBob''': What pie? :'''Squidward''': The one I left sitting on the counter this morning that I bought from pirates for 25 bucks, and I didn't know it was a bomb, and you ate it...THAT PIE! :'''SpongeBob''': Pie...pie...oh, you mean this pie! I was saving it in my pocket for us to share. Let's eat! (''trips on a rock'') Oops! [''The pie flies into Squidward's face in slow motion, causing an explosion in Bikini Bottom the size of an atomic bomb''] :'''Squidward''': Ouch. ===''Imitation Krabs (4.2)''=== :'''SpongeBob''': I thought you wanted to ask me a question. :'''Mr. Krabs''': ''[angrily]'' Yes, why aren't you working ''harder?!'' :'''SpongeBob''': ''[blankly]'' I don't know, Mr. Krabs. I don't know... ==Episode 5== ===''Wormy (5.1)''=== :'''Squidward''': That's it. I'm getting off the loony express. ===''Patty Hype (5.2)''=== :'''SpongeBob''': Hey, Patrick, are you angry too? :'''Patrick''': Yeah! :'''SpongeBob''': What's the matter? :'''Patrick''': I can't see my forehead! ==Episode 6== ===''Grandma's Kisses (6.1)''=== :'''Grandma''': You don't have to be a baby to get all of Grandma's love. :'''SpongeBob''': I don't? :'''Grandma''': Of course not. No matter how big you get, you will always be my little baby boo, and remember, you can kiss your grandma and still be an adult. ===''Squidville (6.2)''=== :'''Squidward''': SpongeBob, this is the final straw. I'm going to move so far away that I will be able to brag about it. I would... ''[a piece of debris from his house falls on his head]'' I would rather tear out my brain-stem, carry it out into the middle of the nearest 4-way intersection, and skip rope with it, than go on living where I do now. :''[A TV falls on the ground]'' :'''Announcer:''' Hi, there! Is this the final straw? Do you want to move so far away that you can brag about it? Would you rather tear out your brain-stem, walk out to the middle of the nearest 3-way– :'''Squidward:''' ''4''-way! :'''Announcer:''' ''4''-way intersection and skip rope with it, than continue living where you do now? Then move to– :'''Patrick:''' ''[suddenly changes the channel to a static screen]'' I ''hate'' this channel. :'''Squidward:''' NO, ''NO!'' ''[changes it back]'' :'''Announcer:''' ...Tentacle Acres! Where happiness is just a suction cup away! ==Episode 7== ===''Pre-Hibernation Week (7.1)''=== :''[Sandy finds SpongeBob's clothes hanging off of a bush]'' :'''Sandy''': SpongeBob's tie... and all his other little dressins? But... SpongeBob always folds his clothes before running around... '''IN THE ''NUDE!''''' Something terrible must have happened to him! ===''Life of Crime (7.2)''=== :'''Patrick''': I wanna go home. :'''SpongeBob:''' We can never go home, Pat; We’re wanted men. We’ll spend the rest of our lives running... running, but at least it’s warmer on the fire. :'''Patrick''': Hey, if we’re underwater, how could there be a...? ''[The fire dissolves]'' I’m scared, SpongeBob. ==[[w:Christmas Who?|''Christmas Who?'' (Episode 8)]]== :'''Squidward''': I can't believe anyone would celebrate a holiday where a jolly prowler breaks into your house and leaves gifts. :'''Patrick''': Like a genie. ==Episode 9== ===''Survival of the Idiots (9.1)''=== :'''Spongebob''': ''[as "Dirty Dan"; in a southern voice]'' Alright Pinhead, your time is up. :'''Patrick''': ''[as "Pinhead Larry"; with a looney, bucktooth face]'' Who you callin' Pinhead? I wanna be Dirty Dan! :'''SpongeBob''': What makes you think you can be Dirty Dan? :'''Patrick''': I'm Dirty... ''[SpongeBob hits him with a baseball bat made of snow]'' :'''SpongeBob''': I say I'm Dirty Dan. :'''Patrick''': ''[rushes to get a spiked-bat made of snow]'' I say ''I'm'' Dirty Dan! :'''SpongeBob''': ''[hits Patrick]'' I say I'm Dirty Dan. :'''Patrick''': ''[hits SpongeBob]'' I'm Dirty Dan! :'''SpongeBob''': I'm Dirty Dan! :'''Patrick''': I'm Dirty Dan! :''[They continue to hit each other while saying "I'm Dirty Dan!"]'' ===''Dumped (9.2)''=== :'''Patrick''': Would it be all right if Gary and I did some laundry over here? :'''SpongeBob''': Laundry? But ''we'' used to do laundry! :'''Patrick''': And, uh... SpongeBob, could we borrow some soap? :'''SpongeBob''': ''[on the verge of breaking down]'' Soap? But ''we'' used to use soap! ''[holds up two different types of soap]'' Do you want Fresh Scent or Heavy Du-Du-Du...? :'''Patrick''': Here it comes. :'''SpongeBob''': ...Du-Du-- ''[crying]'' --Tty-yyy-yyy!?! ==Episode 10== ===''No Free Rides (10.1)''=== :'''SpongeBob''': Okay, Mrs. Puff, what's my final score? :'''Mrs. Puff''': 6. :'''SpongeBob''': Whoo! And how many do I need to pass? :'''Mrs. Puff''': 6. :'''SpongeBob''': ''[bending over and rising up very slowly]'' Whoo– :'''Mrs. Puff''': Hundred. :'''SpongeBob''': Wha? :'''Mrs. Puff''': 6''00''. You need 600 to pass. You got 6. ===''I'm Your Biggest Fanatic (10.2)''=== :'''SpongeBob''': But Kevin, I was your biggest fan! :'''Kevin''': So were they. ''[points down to some fans he has managed to get rid of, trapped at the bottom of the ledge at a campfire]'' :'''Fish''': Hey, look everyone! Kevin's back! ''[they cheer]'' ==Episode 11== ===''Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy III (11.1)''=== :''[Man Ray sits on the floor with a hand over his face, pretending to cry]'' :'''Man Ray''': Boo-hoo-hoo! Oh, sob...! Oh, cry...! ''[peeks through his fingers to see if SpongeBob and Patrick are watching]'' Oh, woe is me! You don't know what it's like, being evil for so long! Oh, how I wish to be good! If only some kind heroes would show me the path to decency! :''[SpongeBob and Patrick beam at one another]'' :'''SpongeBob''': ''We'' could teach you how to be good and then we'll let you go! :'''Man Ray''': Oh, that would be fantastic! ''[to himself]'' I'll fake my way through this, just like I did in high school. ===''Squirrel Jokes (11.2)''=== :'''SpongeBob''': Hey, why does it take more than one squirrel to change a lightbulb? :'''Fish''': Why?! :'''SpongeBob''': Because, they're so darn stupid! ==Episode 12== ===''Pressure (12.1)''=== :'''Sandy''': I'm a squirrel. See? ''[points to the acorn logo on her suit]'' :'''SpongeBob''': I thought that meant you were nuts. ===''[[w:The Smoking Peanut|The Smoking Peanut (12.2)]]''=== :'''Zoo Worker #1''': What's wrong with Clamu? :'''Joe''': Easy, girl! It's me, Joe! Remember? :''[Clamu snarls as if it sounds like a belch and uses her tongue to throw Joe out of Oyster Stadium. Patrick and a nervous SpongeBob wait at the stands]'' :'''Patrick''': Now, this is a show! :''[Outside...]'' :'''Announcer''': Attention, zoo patrons! Clamu, the giant oyster is on an emotional rampage! Please scream and run around in circles. ''[everybody runs for their lives and screams]'' Thanks for coming. :''[In the stadium, Clamu is still smashing things and making snarling belch noises. The zoo worker goes up to SpongeBob and Patrick]'' :'''Zoo Worker #1''': You boys better get out of this area, pronto! There's nothing more dangerous than an emotionally disturbed oyster. ''[The worker points menacingly at SpongeBob]'' You didn't do anything that might have caused this horrible tragedy, did you?! :'''SpongeBob''': Uh... :'''Patrick''': No way! Only a jerk would upset a gentle giant. Right, SpongeBob? :''[SpongeBob hides the peanut bag]'' :'''SpongeBob''': Right. ''[SpongeBob lets out a nervous shriek]'' :''[Clamu chomps on a piece of metal. Cut to Patrick and SpongeBob leaving the zoo]'' :'''Patrick''': If I saw that guy, I'd have a few choice words for him. Like "you" and "are", and... "a jerk"! <hr width=50%> :'''Zoo Worker #1''': Mr. Krabs has stolen a very important item from the oyster. [rips off Mr. Krabs' clothes by accident] Behold! ''[the crowd gets disgusted]'' Wait a minute... ''[reveals Clamu's pearl]'' Behold! The oyster's pearl! ''[The crowd gasps in shock; the zoo worker then gives the pearl to Clamu]'' Here you go, girl. :''[Clamu sniffs her pearl and the crowd cheers. But suddenly, the pearl starts to crack. And to everyone's amazement, it hatches into a baby oyster.]'' :'''Baby Oyster''': Mama! Mama! :'''SpongeBob''': Mother of pearl! The oyster's a mother! And that pearl's no pearl, it's an egg! :'''Baby Oyster''': Mama! :'''Clamu''': Aww! :''[The baby oyster and Clamu embrace each other.]'' :'''All''': Awww... ''[They glare at Mr. Krabs]'' :'''Mr. Krabs''': ''[nervously]'' But it's... Free Day! :''[The crowd boos as they throw peanuts at Mr. Krabs, burying him.]'' ==Episode 13== ===''[[w:Shanghaied (SpongeBob SquarePants)|Shanghaied (13.1)]]''=== :'''Dutchman''': I’ve been thinking. ''[notices SpongeBob and Patrick]'' Stop bouncing! ''[they both stop]'' This whole crew for eternity thing isn’t working out… It’s not really you so much as it is me… :'''SpongeBob''': You’re setting us free? :'''Dutchman''': Well actually, I’m just gonna eat you. See you at dinner! ''[leaves]'' ===''[[w:Gary Takes a Bath|Gary Takes a Bath (13.2)]]''=== :''[SpongeBob, in his attempt to get Gary to bathe, tries hypnotizing him]'' :'''SpongeBob''': I am now going to assault your mind with subliminal messages! :''[Images of a bathtub, a shower, a bar of soap, and then a picture of a girl with pigtails and crooked teeth appear]'' :'''SpongeBob''': ''[walking away]'' Sorry you had to see that. ==Episode 14== ===''[[w:Welcome to the Chum Bucket|Welcome to the Chum Bucket (14.1)]]''=== :'''Robot SpongeBob''': ''[turning on]'' Bee-beep-doodle-le-dee-doo... ''RESPONSE - WHY DON'T YOU ASK ME LATER?'' :'''Plankton''': '''What?! ''WHAT?!?''''' :'''Robot SpongeBob''': ''GET WELDED.'' :'''Plankton''': ''WAIT, '''I COMMAND YOU MAKE ME A KRABBY PATTY!!''''' :'''Robot SpongeBob''': ''[while reading some comics and takes a drink from his soda] I DON'T WANNA.'' ===''Frankendoodle (14.2)''=== :''[SpongeBob draws a jellyfish in the ground with the giant pencil.]'' :'''SpongeBob''': It's a jellyfish! :'''Patrick''': Pretty good, SpongeBob, but its lacking basic construction, and your perspective leaves a lot to be desired. :'''SpongeBob''': Huh! Everybody's a critic. ''[Patrick notices the jellyfish drawing is coming to life.]'' :'''Patrick''': SpongeBob! Your drawing's coming to life! :'''SpongeBob''': ''[oblivious]'' Now, that's more like it, Mr. Critic! :'''Patrick''': ''[pointing to the jellyfish]'' No, I mean it's swimming away! :'''SpongeBob''': Do you know what this means, Patrick? :'''Patrick''': Your art can never hang in a museum. ==Episode 15== ===''The Secret Box (15.1)''=== :'''Patrick''': You may be an open book, SpongeBob, but I'm a bit more complicated than that. The inner machinations of my mind are an enigma. ''[A thought bubble appears, showing a milk carton falling over and spilling]'' ===''[[w:Band Geeks|Band Geeks (15.2)]]''=== :'''Squidward''': ''[on phone]'' Hello, you've reached the house of unrecognized talent. Please start after the– ''[blows clarinet]'' :'''Squilliam Fancyson''': Sounds as though you've got a dying animal to attend to, eh, old chum? :'''Squidward''': ''[shocked]'' Squilliam Fancyson from band class?! :'''Squilliam''': I heard you're playing the cash register now. :'''Squidward''': Yeah, well, sometimes. How's the unibrow? :'''Squilliam''': It's big and valuable. I'm the leader of a big, fancy band now, and we're supposed to play at the Bubble Bowl next week! :'''Squidward''': The bu-bu-bu-bu, bu-bu-bu-bu, bu-bu-bu-bu...? :'''Squilliam''': That's right! I'm living ''your'' dream, Squidward! The problem is I'm busy next week and can't make, so I was hoping you and your band could cover for us. :'''Squidward''': Oh, I, uh, uh, uh... :'''Squilliam''': I knew it! You don't even have a band! Well, I'll just let you get back to the service industry now! :'''Squidward''': ''[angry at the comment] '''HOLD IT!''' [Squilliam perks up as he was about to hang up]'' It just so happens that I ''don't'' sell fast food! I ''do'' have a band, and we're going to play at ''that Bubble Bowl''! How do you like ''that'', Fancy'''''Boy?!''''' :'''Squilliam''': Good luck next Tuesday! I hope the audience brings lots of... ''IBUPROFEN! [hangs up]'' ==Episode 16== ===''[[w:Graveyard Shift (SpongeBob SquarePants)|Graveyard Shift (16.1)]]''=== <hr width=50%> :'''SpongeBob''': Isn't this great, Squidward? Just you and me together for hours and hours and hours, and then the sun will come up, and it'll be tomorrow and we'll still be working! ''[gasps]'' It'll be just like a sleepover, only we'll be sweaty and covered with ''grease''! Are you ready to rock, Squidward?! :'''Squidward''': No. :'''SpongeBob''': Good! 'Cause we got customers! :'''Squidward''': Here. ''[hands a baseball bat to a customer]'' Please hit me as hard as you can. :'''SpongeBob''': Hey, Squidward. I'm working in the kitchen… ''[giggles]'' At night. :'''Squidward''': ''[tilts his head sideways to the customer with the bat]'' Don't hold back. ===''[[w:Krusty Love|Krusty Love (16.2)]]''=== :'''Mr. Krabs''': $49.0... 8? That's a penny short! ''[cries]'' :'''Squidward''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh no, not a penny. Help, somebody help us. ==Episode 17== ===''Procrastination (17.1)''=== :'''Mail Fish''': Package for Mr. Squarepants. :'''SpongeBob''': Great! Thanks. ''[trying to strike up a conversation]'' So, uh, you like delivering mail? :'''Mail Fish''': It puts bread on the table. :'''SpongeBob''': Rye or pumpernickel? ''[laughs]'' :'''Mail Fish''': Oh, brother. :'''SpongeBob''': So, do you deliver your own mail, or do you have your own mail person? But then who delivers ''his'' mail? Is there a never-ending chain of mailmen delivering mail to other mailmen? Well, I guess a P.O. box could in theory break the chain-- :'''Mail Fish''': ''[interrupting]'' Don't you have a paper to write? ===''[[w:I'm with Stupid (SpongeBob SquarePants)|I'm with Stupid (17.2)]]''=== :'''Patrick''': You know something, SpongeBob? It's all fun and games for you. Nothing really matters. ''[sarcastically]'' "Oh, let's go jellyfishing! We don't have any work to do." ''[angrily]'' Life's just a big bowl of fancy assorted cashews! And nobody has anything to dust, or to clean, or to wipe… ''[getting increasingly worked up]'' ...Or ''FABRICATE!'' :'''SpongeBob''': ''[gently]'' But Patrick, the only thing I've ever seen you clean is your plate. :''[Patrick looks at SpongeBob for a split second, then falls at his feet and breaks down into tears]'' :'''SpongeBob''': Patrick! You've forgotten how to eat again! Come on, we'll get the funnel. :'''Patrick''': No it's not that, SpongeBob. It's worse! :'''SpongeBob''': Darn, I like the funnel. ==Episode 18== ===''[[w:Sailor Mouth|Sailor Mouth (18.1)]]''=== :'''SpongeBob''': Wow, 13. :'''Patrick''': That's a lot of bad words. ''[dolphin noise]'' ===''Artist Unknown (18.2)''=== :'''Squidward''': Now repeat after me. I have no talent. :'''SpongeBob''': "I have no talent." :'''Squidward''': Mr. Tentacles has all the talent. :'''SpongeBob''': "Mr. Tentacles has all the talent." :'''Squidward''': If I'm lucky, some of Mr. Tentacle's talent will rub off on me. :'''SpongeBob''': "If I'm lucky, Mr. Talent... will rub his tentacles... on my art." ''[Pause]'' :'''Squidward''': ''[unenthusiastically]'' Whatever. ==Episode 19== ===''Jellyfish Hunter (19.1)''=== :'''Mr. Krabs''': What don't you understand about "More"!? ''[multiple of SpongeBobs are watching jellyfishes]'' More! More! More. More. More! More. More! ''[He grimaces and demands more]'' More, more, more, more, more! ''MOOOOORE!!! [Cut to night. A sign reading "Jellyfish Fields: Population 4 is seen. The word "000,000" is crossed out]'' :'''SpongeBob''': Well, there's no more! Now, ''that's'' jellyfishing! ===''The Fry Cook Games (19.2)''=== :'''Patrick''': D'oh, come on, you're just flipping Patties. :'''SpongeBob''': Hey, flipping is not as easy as it sounds! ''[Patrick flips over a rock with his foot and makes a sizzling noise]'' Why don't you go home, Patrick? You can compete in the "Laying Under a Rock All Day" Games! :'''Patrick''': ''[shocked]'' Well, at least, I don't polish my fingernails! :'''SpongeBob''': ''[gasps]'' You take that back! ''[a gleam shows at the tip of his fingernails]'' :'''Patrick''': ''[mocking]'' Fingernails, fingernails, fingernails! :'''SpongeBob''': You don't even have fingernails! :'''Patrick''': ''[shocked]'' I cannot believe what I am hearing! :'''SpongeBob''': How can you hear it? You don't have ears either! :'''Patrick''': ''[thinking of a way to say something about SpongeBob then spots his holes]'' Er... Holes, holes! :'''SpongeBob''': Conehead! :'''Patrick''': Yellow! :'''SpongeBob''': Pink! ==Episode 20== ===''Squid on Strike (20.1)''=== :'''Squidward''': Nobody cares about the fate of laborers as long as they can get their instant gratification. ===''Sandy, SpongeBob and the Worm (20.2)''=== :'''Sandy''': Who's the strongest critter in Bikini Bottom? ''[pulls a live-action boat down underwater by its anchor]'' :'''SpongeBob''': You are. :'''Sandy''': And who put the, hiyah-hah-huah, "''K''" in "karate"?! :'''SpongeBob''': ''[body is shaped like a "U"] You'' did. :'''Sandy''': And who saves your yellow backside from certain destruction on a regular basis? ''[SpongeBob's backside reads "Property of Sandy Cheeks"]'' :'''SpongeBob''': You do. ==External links== {{Wikipedia|SpongeBob SquarePants (season 2)}} [[Category:SpongeBob SquarePants seasons]] [[Category:SpongeBob SquarePants]] 1txiube5nevgd4qlbf9o8h70rp2aqm9 3153096 3153095 2022-08-10T02:06:27Z 2601:5CE:4380:36F0:0:0:0:851E /* Dying For Pie (4.1) */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} ---- :'''Seasons:''' [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 1|1]] '''2''' [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 3|3]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 4|4]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 5|5]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 6|6]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 7|7]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 8|8]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 9|9]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 10|10]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 11|11]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 12|12]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 13|13]] ([[SpongeBob SquarePants|Main]]) | '''Movies''': [[The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie]] / [[The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge Out of Water|Sponge Out of Water]] / [[The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge on the Run|Sponge on the Run]] | '''Spin-offs:''' [[Kamp Koral: SpongeBob's Under Years|Kamp Koral]] / [[The Patrick Star Show]] ---- <br> '''''[[w:SpongeBob_SquarePants|SpongeBob SquarePants]]''''' (1999-) is an animated TV series, airing on Nickelodeon about the adventures and endeavors of the title character and his various friends in the fictional underwater city of Bikini Bottom. It spawned [[The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie|a movie]], followed by several short films, and video games. ==Cast== *Tom Kenny as SpongeBob, Gary, Monkey, Narrator, Hans, Fish #1, Fish #2, Scotsman, Ladies, Fish #50, Squid Guard, Squid #2, Fish #71, Muscle Salesguy, Balloon Salesman, Patchy, Old Fish, Singer #1, Jellyfish, Larry, Dad, King Jellyfish, Seagull, Woman, Waiter, Clock, Sailor, Fish 1, Big Guy, Vendor, Hook Fish, Fish 156, Teenager 1 *Bill Fagerbakke as Patrick, Fish #1, Man with Bag, Painter, Fish #6, Victim, Singer #2, Rex, Dr. Manowar, Pants, Fish 4, Tomato Fish *Clancy Brown as Mr. Krabs, Vender #2, Penny, TV Fish, Man, Singer #4, Fish 1, Salesman *Rodger Bumpass as Squidward, Doctor, Voice #3, Rick, Gerbil, Singer #3, Spotter #1, Doctor, Squid Drawing, Veterinarian, Restaurant Fish, Worm, Door Fish, Fish 4, Fish 38, Wheelbarrow Fish *Mr. Lawrence as Fish #1, Fish #2, Deliever Fish, Customer #3, Larry, Delivery Man, Guy #4, Voice #4, Fish #1, Plankton, Pirate, Fish #1, Fish #40, Announcer, Cop #1, Narrator, Fish #2, Announcer, Fish #2, Copy #1, Reporter, Security Guard, Fish #4, Spotter #2, Announcer, Fish #4, Fish #5, Hot Dog Guy, P.A., Reporter, Artist, Mailman, Newsman, Student, Old Man Jenkins, Announcer, Fish 1, Pants Fish, Fish 1, Chip *Lory Alan as Lady, Pearl *Sirena Irwin as Eel, Loop, Crossing Guard, Band Member #1, Kernal, Wife Fish, Teen Fish, Teen, Customer #2, Fish #5, Fish #7, Larry's Girl, Snooty Woman, Spider, Girl #1, Girls #2, Girl #45, Squid #1, Squidette, Fish #4, #40, Woman Fish, Woman Fish, Mom, Teller, Honey, Mom, Girl Fish #1, Fish 2, Lady Fish, Mother, Auntie Fish, Old Lady Fish, Fish 65, Teenager 2 *Patrick Pinney as Painting, Cool Fish, Scoutmaster, Fish #1, Zoo Keeper, Security Guard *Brian Doyle Murray as Flying Dutchman *Dee Bradley Baker as Fish #4, Fish #6, Ticket Fish, Band Member #2, Husband Fish, Customer #1, Lifeguard, Fish #3, Fish #8, Fish #7, Fish #9, Fish #10, Captain, Cutomer #1, Fish #1, Starving Fish, Tongue Fish, Fish #6, #104, #25, Fish #2, Man on TV, Spokesman, Squid #3, Fish #1, #3, #5, #23, #31, #41, Bad Crab, Guy, Cop #2, Fish #1, #3, #4, Singer #5, Mr. Krabs Solo, Fish #1, Cop #2, Kevin, Call, Queen Jellyfish, Joe, Fish #2, Policeman, Squilliam, Fighter Fish, Fish 1, Richard, Customer 40, Customer 6, Chair, Fire Imp, House, Pirate, Fish 2, Fish 5, Janitor, Monty P. Moneybags, Workout Fish, Robot, Little Fish, Guy with Torch, Thrower, Fish 2, Cop, Fun Fish *Carlos Alazraqui as Fish #2, #3, #5, #7, Band Leader, Scooter, Angel, Fish #4, Vendor #1, Fish #1, Fish #1, Photographer, Surfer, Moat Fish *Sara Paxton as Kid Fish #1, Kid Fish #1, Little Kid, Little Girl, Kid Fish *Camryn Walling as Kid Fish #1, Kid Fish #2 *Carolyn Lawrence as Sandy, Woman, Voice #2, Girl #2, Evelyn *Brad Abrell as Bubble Buddy, Announcer *Corky Carrell as Grubby Grouper *Jill Talley as Karen, Phyllis, Girl #27, Ladies *Aaron Springer as Real-life drummer *Austin Stout as Little Boy *Michael Patrick Bell as Santa Claus *Jonathan Silsby as Puppeteer *Steve Hillenburg as Potty, Director *Mary Jo Catlett as Mrs. Puff *Seth Mumy as Kid *Guy Siner as Man Ray *Frank Welker as Clamu, Baby Oyster *Paul Tibbitt as DoodleBob, Momma Krabs *Susan Boyajian as Real Mom, Janet Mom *Tom Wilson as Real Dad, Marty Dad ==Episode 1== ===''[[w:Your Shoe's Untied|Your Shoe's Untied (1.1)]]''=== :'''Patrick''': ''[SpongeBob's feet are stomped into the floor of the Krusty Krab]'' SpongeBob, you're shorter. Have you been dieting? :'''SpongeBob''': Heh, well, a sponge has to look his spongiest. ===''Squid's Day Off (1.2)''=== :'''Mr. Krabs''': I can think of ten good reasons to never let go of a dime, boy. ==Episode 2== ===''[[w:Something Smells|Something Smells (2.1)]]''=== :'''SpongeBob''': I'm ugly and I'm proud, I'm ugly and I'm proud, I'm ugly and I'm proud! :'''Squidward''': Is that what he calls it? ===''Bossy Boots (2.2)''=== :'''Pearl''': SpongeBob, what do you like better? The Kutie Krab...or the Kooky Krab? :'''Squidward''': For what, dare I ask? :'''Pearl''': The new name for our new look. I mean, "The Krusty Krab" has got to go. Who wants to eat at a place they think is crusty? Bleh! :'''Squidward''': Well, sure it's a terrible name, but this is a terrible place. Therefore, the name should be left alone. Right, SpongeBob? :'''SpongeBob''': I got it! How about The Khaotic Krab? :'''Pearl''': Hmm... how about The Kissy Krab? ''[smooches]'' :'''SpongeBob''': ''[dressed as a king]'' The King Krab. :'''Pearl''': ''[holds up a lollipop]'' The Kandy Krab! :'''SpongeBob''': ''[dressed in hip hop clothes]'' The Kool Krab. :''[dressed as a cowboy]'' Or the Kowboy Krab! :''[stretched out]'' The Kurly Krab! :''[dressed as a mad scientist]'' The Kreepy Krab! :''[dressed as a crazy killer jungle man]'' The Killer Krab! :'''Pearl''': ''[groans]'' NO! :'''SpongeBob''': You're right, too scary. :''[pause]'' :'''SpongeBob and Pearl''': The Kuddly Krab! ''[hug and laugh]'' ==Episode 3== ===''Big Pink Loser (3.1)''=== :''[Patrick showing SpongeBob his award]'' :'''SpongeBob''': ''[reading award caption]'' "For outstanding achievement in achievement" - 'SpongeBob SquarePants'? :'''Patrick''': "SpongeBob SquarePants"? That's a funny way to spell my name. :'''SpongeBob''': Uh, Patrick, I think the award is for me. You must have got it by mistake. :'''Patrick''': ''[sadly]'' But, it's shiny! ''[starts to cry]'' :'''SpongeBob''': Yeah, but, you know what else is shiny? :'''Patrick''': Ice cream! :'''SpongeBob''': Exactly! :'''Patrick''': I can find it! Is it in here? :'''SpongeBob''': No, don't! That's my-- ''[Patrick opens the door and an enormous pile of trophies tumble out]'' ...award closet. :'''Patrick''': '''''I WANT AN AWARD!''''' :'''Caller''': Is this the Krusty Krab? :'''Patrick''': No, this is Patrick. :'''Caller#2''': Is this the Krusty Krab? :'''Patrick''': No, this is Patrick. :'''Caller#3''': Is this the Krusty Krab? :'''Patrick''': '''''No, this is Patrick!''''' I'm not a Krusty Krab. :'''SpongeBob''': Uhh, Patrick, that's the name of the restaurant. What’s so great about being a big pink loser? ===''Bubble Buddy (3.2)''=== :'''Squidward''': Here, one of everything! No cheese, no crust, no pickles to the left, four squirts of ketchup, wheat buns, non-dairy lettuce, and farm-raised tomatoes ''carnival style!'' And if there is anything else I can do, '''please hesitate''' to ask! ==Episode 4== ===''Dying For Pie (4.1)''=== :'''Mr. Krabs''': So, are you ready? :'''Squidward''': To go home? :'''Mr. Krabs''': No, to exchange gifts for Employee Brotherhood Day! :'''Squidward''': Mr. Krabs, you pay me to stand behind this register, and take orders, and give change. But you could never pay me enough to act brotherly towards ''that guy! [points to SpongeBob]'' <hr width =50%"> :'''Squidward''': WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE?! :'''SpongeBob''': Well, since we've finished everything on the list, I thought I'd make up a new one. I already filled up this book with ideas. (''holds up a book that says Friends 4ever'') We should be able to finish by January. :'''Squidward''': (''slaps book away'') '''FORGET THE BOOK!!!''' I spent the whole day with you doing all kinds of ridiculous things because ''you'' were supposed to explode! :'''SpongeBob''': You want me to explode? :'''Squidward''': Yes, that's what I've been waiting for! :'''SpongeBob''': Okay, I'll try. (''grunts and yells'') '''GARY! YOU ARE GONNA FINISH YOUR DESSERT, AND YOU ARE GONNA LIKE IT!!!''' (''laughs'') Now it's your turn. :'''Squidward''': (''yells, hops up and down furiously'') THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT, YOU BARNACLE HEAD! :'''SpongeBob''': (''claps'') Oo, good one. :'''Squidward''': NO! You're supposed to explode into a million pieces! (''flaps his arms'') :'''SpongeBob''': Why would I do that? :'''Squidward''': Because that pie you ate was a bomb! :'''SpongeBob''': What pie? :'''Squidward''': The one I left sitting on the counter this morning that I bought from pirates for 25 bucks, and I didn't know it was a bomb, and you ate it...THAT PIE! :'''SpongeBob''': Pie...pie...oh, you mean this pie! I was saving it in my pocket for us to share. Let's eat! (''trips on a rock'') Oops! [''The pie flies into Squidward's face in slow motion, causing an explosion in Bikini Bottom the size of an atomic bomb''] :'''Squidward''': Ouch. ===''Imitation Krabs (4.2)''=== :'''SpongeBob''': I thought you wanted to ask me a question. :'''Mr. Krabs''': ''[angrily]'' Yes, why aren't you working ''harder?!'' :'''SpongeBob''': ''[blankly]'' I don't know, Mr. Krabs. I don't know... ==Episode 5== ===''Wormy (5.1)''=== :'''Squidward''': That's it. I'm getting off the loony express. ===''Patty Hype (5.2)''=== :'''SpongeBob''': Hey, Patrick, are you angry too? :'''Patrick''': Yeah! :'''SpongeBob''': What's the matter? :'''Patrick''': I can't see my forehead! ==Episode 6== ===''Grandma's Kisses (6.1)''=== :'''Grandma''': You don't have to be a baby to get all of Grandma's love. :'''SpongeBob''': I don't? :'''Grandma''': Of course not. No matter how big you get, you will always be my little baby boo, and remember, you can kiss your grandma and still be an adult. ===''Squidville (6.2)''=== :'''Squidward''': SpongeBob, this is the final straw. I'm going to move so far away that I will be able to brag about it. I would... ''[a piece of debris from his house falls on his head]'' I would rather tear out my brain-stem, carry it out into the middle of the nearest 4-way intersection, and skip rope with it, than go on living where I do now. :''[A TV falls on the ground]'' :'''Announcer:''' Hi, there! Is this the final straw? Do you want to move so far away that you can brag about it? Would you rather tear out your brain-stem, walk out to the middle of the nearest 3-way– :'''Squidward:''' ''4''-way! :'''Announcer:''' ''4''-way intersection and skip rope with it, than continue living where you do now? Then move to– :'''Patrick:''' ''[suddenly changes the channel to a static screen]'' I ''hate'' this channel. :'''Squidward:''' NO, ''NO!'' ''[changes it back]'' :'''Announcer:''' ...Tentacle Acres! Where happiness is just a suction cup away! ==Episode 7== ===''Pre-Hibernation Week (7.1)''=== :''[Sandy finds SpongeBob's clothes hanging off of a bush]'' :'''Sandy''': SpongeBob's tie... and all his other little dressins? But... SpongeBob always folds his clothes before running around... '''IN THE ''NUDE!''''' Something terrible must have happened to him! ===''Life of Crime (7.2)''=== :'''Patrick''': I wanna go home. :'''SpongeBob:''' We can never go home, Pat; We’re wanted men. We’ll spend the rest of our lives running... running, but at least it’s warmer on the fire. :'''Patrick''': Hey, if we’re underwater, how could there be a...? ''[The fire dissolves]'' I’m scared, SpongeBob. ==[[w:Christmas Who?|''Christmas Who?'' (Episode 8)]]== :'''Squidward''': I can't believe anyone would celebrate a holiday where a jolly prowler breaks into your house and leaves gifts. :'''Patrick''': Like a genie. ==Episode 9== ===''Survival of the Idiots (9.1)''=== :'''Spongebob''': ''[as "Dirty Dan"; in a southern voice]'' Alright Pinhead, your time is up. :'''Patrick''': ''[as "Pinhead Larry"; with a looney, bucktooth face]'' Who you callin' Pinhead? I wanna be Dirty Dan! :'''SpongeBob''': What makes you think you can be Dirty Dan? :'''Patrick''': I'm Dirty... ''[SpongeBob hits him with a baseball bat made of snow]'' :'''SpongeBob''': I say I'm Dirty Dan. :'''Patrick''': ''[rushes to get a spiked-bat made of snow]'' I say ''I'm'' Dirty Dan! :'''SpongeBob''': ''[hits Patrick]'' I say I'm Dirty Dan. :'''Patrick''': ''[hits SpongeBob]'' I'm Dirty Dan! :'''SpongeBob''': I'm Dirty Dan! :'''Patrick''': I'm Dirty Dan! :''[They continue to hit each other while saying "I'm Dirty Dan!"]'' ===''Dumped (9.2)''=== :'''Patrick''': Would it be all right if Gary and I did some laundry over here? :'''SpongeBob''': Laundry? But ''we'' used to do laundry! :'''Patrick''': And, uh... SpongeBob, could we borrow some soap? :'''SpongeBob''': ''[on the verge of breaking down]'' Soap? But ''we'' used to use soap! ''[holds up two different types of soap]'' Do you want Fresh Scent or Heavy Du-Du-Du...? :'''Patrick''': Here it comes. :'''SpongeBob''': ...Du-Du-- ''[crying]'' --Tty-yyy-yyy!?! ==Episode 10== ===''No Free Rides (10.1)''=== :'''SpongeBob''': Okay, Mrs. Puff, what's my final score? :'''Mrs. Puff''': 6. :'''SpongeBob''': Whoo! And how many do I need to pass? :'''Mrs. Puff''': 6. :'''SpongeBob''': ''[bending over and rising up very slowly]'' Whoo– :'''Mrs. Puff''': Hundred. :'''SpongeBob''': Wha? :'''Mrs. Puff''': 6''00''. You need 600 to pass. You got 6. ===''I'm Your Biggest Fanatic (10.2)''=== :'''SpongeBob''': But Kevin, I was your biggest fan! :'''Kevin''': So were they. ''[points down to some fans he has managed to get rid of, trapped at the bottom of the ledge at a campfire]'' :'''Fish''': Hey, look everyone! Kevin's back! ''[they cheer]'' ==Episode 11== ===''Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy III (11.1)''=== :''[Man Ray sits on the floor with a hand over his face, pretending to cry]'' :'''Man Ray''': Boo-hoo-hoo! Oh, sob...! Oh, cry...! ''[peeks through his fingers to see if SpongeBob and Patrick are watching]'' Oh, woe is me! You don't know what it's like, being evil for so long! Oh, how I wish to be good! If only some kind heroes would show me the path to decency! :''[SpongeBob and Patrick beam at one another]'' :'''SpongeBob''': ''We'' could teach you how to be good and then we'll let you go! :'''Man Ray''': Oh, that would be fantastic! ''[to himself]'' I'll fake my way through this, just like I did in high school. ===''Squirrel Jokes (11.2)''=== :'''SpongeBob''': Hey, why does it take more than one squirrel to change a lightbulb? :'''Fish''': Why?! :'''SpongeBob''': Because, they're so darn stupid! ==Episode 12== ===''Pressure (12.1)''=== :'''Sandy''': I'm a squirrel. See? ''[points to the acorn logo on her suit]'' :'''SpongeBob''': I thought that meant you were nuts. ===''[[w:The Smoking Peanut|The Smoking Peanut (12.2)]]''=== :'''Zoo Worker #1''': What's wrong with Clamu? :'''Joe''': Easy, girl! It's me, Joe! Remember? :''[Clamu snarls as if it sounds like a belch and uses her tongue to throw Joe out of Oyster Stadium. Patrick and a nervous SpongeBob wait at the stands]'' :'''Patrick''': Now, this is a show! :''[Outside...]'' :'''Announcer''': Attention, zoo patrons! Clamu, the giant oyster is on an emotional rampage! Please scream and run around in circles. ''[everybody runs for their lives and screams]'' Thanks for coming. :''[In the stadium, Clamu is still smashing things and making snarling belch noises. The zoo worker goes up to SpongeBob and Patrick]'' :'''Zoo Worker #1''': You boys better get out of this area, pronto! There's nothing more dangerous than an emotionally disturbed oyster. ''[The worker points menacingly at SpongeBob]'' You didn't do anything that might have caused this horrible tragedy, did you?! :'''SpongeBob''': Uh... :'''Patrick''': No way! Only a jerk would upset a gentle giant. Right, SpongeBob? :''[SpongeBob hides the peanut bag]'' :'''SpongeBob''': Right. ''[SpongeBob lets out a nervous shriek]'' :''[Clamu chomps on a piece of metal. Cut to Patrick and SpongeBob leaving the zoo]'' :'''Patrick''': If I saw that guy, I'd have a few choice words for him. Like "you" and "are", and... "a jerk"! <hr width=50%> :'''Zoo Worker #1''': Mr. Krabs has stolen a very important item from the oyster. [rips off Mr. Krabs' clothes by accident] Behold! ''[the crowd gets disgusted]'' Wait a minute... ''[reveals Clamu's pearl]'' Behold! The oyster's pearl! ''[The crowd gasps in shock; the zoo worker then gives the pearl to Clamu]'' Here you go, girl. :''[Clamu sniffs her pearl and the crowd cheers. But suddenly, the pearl starts to crack. And to everyone's amazement, it hatches into a baby oyster.]'' :'''Baby Oyster''': Mama! Mama! :'''SpongeBob''': Mother of pearl! The oyster's a mother! And that pearl's no pearl, it's an egg! :'''Baby Oyster''': Mama! :'''Clamu''': Aww! :''[The baby oyster and Clamu embrace each other.]'' :'''All''': Awww... ''[They glare at Mr. Krabs]'' :'''Mr. Krabs''': ''[nervously]'' But it's... Free Day! :''[The crowd boos as they throw peanuts at Mr. Krabs, burying him.]'' ==Episode 13== ===''[[w:Shanghaied (SpongeBob SquarePants)|Shanghaied (13.1)]]''=== :'''Dutchman''': I’ve been thinking. ''[notices SpongeBob and Patrick]'' Stop bouncing! ''[they both stop]'' This whole crew for eternity thing isn’t working out… It’s not really you so much as it is me… :'''SpongeBob''': You’re setting us free? :'''Dutchman''': Well actually, I’m just gonna eat you. See you at dinner! ''[leaves]'' ===''[[w:Gary Takes a Bath|Gary Takes a Bath (13.2)]]''=== :''[SpongeBob, in his attempt to get Gary to bathe, tries hypnotizing him]'' :'''SpongeBob''': I am now going to assault your mind with subliminal messages! :''[Images of a bathtub, a shower, a bar of soap, and then a picture of a girl with pigtails and crooked teeth appear]'' :'''SpongeBob''': ''[walking away]'' Sorry you had to see that. ==Episode 14== ===''[[w:Welcome to the Chum Bucket|Welcome to the Chum Bucket (14.1)]]''=== :'''Robot SpongeBob''': ''[turning on]'' Bee-beep-doodle-le-dee-doo... ''RESPONSE - WHY DON'T YOU ASK ME LATER?'' :'''Plankton''': '''What?! ''WHAT?!?''''' :'''Robot SpongeBob''': ''GET WELDED.'' :'''Plankton''': ''WAIT, '''I COMMAND YOU MAKE ME A KRABBY PATTY!!''''' :'''Robot SpongeBob''': ''[while reading some comics and takes a drink from his soda] I DON'T WANNA.'' ===''Frankendoodle (14.2)''=== :''[SpongeBob draws a jellyfish in the ground with the giant pencil.]'' :'''SpongeBob''': It's a jellyfish! :'''Patrick''': Pretty good, SpongeBob, but its lacking basic construction, and your perspective leaves a lot to be desired. :'''SpongeBob''': Huh! Everybody's a critic. ''[Patrick notices the jellyfish drawing is coming to life.]'' :'''Patrick''': SpongeBob! Your drawing's coming to life! :'''SpongeBob''': ''[oblivious]'' Now, that's more like it, Mr. Critic! :'''Patrick''': ''[pointing to the jellyfish]'' No, I mean it's swimming away! :'''SpongeBob''': Do you know what this means, Patrick? :'''Patrick''': Your art can never hang in a museum. ==Episode 15== ===''The Secret Box (15.1)''=== :'''Patrick''': You may be an open book, SpongeBob, but I'm a bit more complicated than that. The inner machinations of my mind are an enigma. ''[A thought bubble appears, showing a milk carton falling over and spilling]'' ===''[[w:Band Geeks|Band Geeks (15.2)]]''=== :'''Squidward''': ''[on phone]'' Hello, you've reached the house of unrecognized talent. Please start after the– ''[blows clarinet]'' :'''Squilliam Fancyson''': Sounds as though you've got a dying animal to attend to, eh, old chum? :'''Squidward''': ''[shocked]'' Squilliam Fancyson from band class?! :'''Squilliam''': I heard you're playing the cash register now. :'''Squidward''': Yeah, well, sometimes. How's the unibrow? :'''Squilliam''': It's big and valuable. I'm the leader of a big, fancy band now, and we're supposed to play at the Bubble Bowl next week! :'''Squidward''': The bu-bu-bu-bu, bu-bu-bu-bu, bu-bu-bu-bu...? :'''Squilliam''': That's right! I'm living ''your'' dream, Squidward! The problem is I'm busy next week and can't make, so I was hoping you and your band could cover for us. :'''Squidward''': Oh, I, uh, uh, uh... :'''Squilliam''': I knew it! You don't even have a band! Well, I'll just let you get back to the service industry now! :'''Squidward''': ''[angry at the comment] '''HOLD IT!''' [Squilliam perks up as he was about to hang up]'' It just so happens that I ''don't'' sell fast food! I ''do'' have a band, and we're going to play at ''that Bubble Bowl''! How do you like ''that'', Fancy'''''Boy?!''''' :'''Squilliam''': Good luck next Tuesday! I hope the audience brings lots of... ''IBUPROFEN! [hangs up]'' ==Episode 16== ===''[[w:Graveyard Shift (SpongeBob SquarePants)|Graveyard Shift (16.1)]]''=== <hr width=50%> :'''SpongeBob''': Isn't this great, Squidward? Just you and me together for hours and hours and hours, and then the sun will come up, and it'll be tomorrow and we'll still be working! ''[gasps]'' It'll be just like a sleepover, only we'll be sweaty and covered with ''grease''! Are you ready to rock, Squidward?! :'''Squidward''': No. :'''SpongeBob''': Good! 'Cause we got customers! :'''Squidward''': Here. ''[hands a baseball bat to a customer]'' Please hit me as hard as you can. :'''SpongeBob''': Hey, Squidward. I'm working in the kitchen… ''[giggles]'' At night. :'''Squidward''': ''[tilts his head sideways to the customer with the bat]'' Don't hold back. ===''[[w:Krusty Love|Krusty Love (16.2)]]''=== :'''Mr. Krabs''': $49.0... 8? That's a penny short! ''[cries]'' :'''Squidward''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh no, not a penny. Help, somebody help us. ==Episode 17== ===''Procrastination (17.1)''=== :'''Mail Fish''': Package for Mr. Squarepants. :'''SpongeBob''': Great! Thanks. ''[trying to strike up a conversation]'' So, uh, you like delivering mail? :'''Mail Fish''': It puts bread on the table. :'''SpongeBob''': Rye or pumpernickel? ''[laughs]'' :'''Mail Fish''': Oh, brother. :'''SpongeBob''': So, do you deliver your own mail, or do you have your own mail person? But then who delivers ''his'' mail? Is there a never-ending chain of mailmen delivering mail to other mailmen? Well, I guess a P.O. box could in theory break the chain-- :'''Mail Fish''': ''[interrupting]'' Don't you have a paper to write? ===''[[w:I'm with Stupid (SpongeBob SquarePants)|I'm with Stupid (17.2)]]''=== :'''Patrick''': You know something, SpongeBob? It's all fun and games for you. Nothing really matters. ''[sarcastically]'' "Oh, let's go jellyfishing! We don't have any work to do." ''[angrily]'' Life's just a big bowl of fancy assorted cashews! And nobody has anything to dust, or to clean, or to wipe… ''[getting increasingly worked up]'' ...Or ''FABRICATE!'' :'''SpongeBob''': ''[gently]'' But Patrick, the only thing I've ever seen you clean is your plate. :''[Patrick looks at SpongeBob for a split second, then falls at his feet and breaks down into tears]'' :'''SpongeBob''': Patrick! You've forgotten how to eat again! Come on, we'll get the funnel. :'''Patrick''': No it's not that, SpongeBob. It's worse! :'''SpongeBob''': Darn, I like the funnel. ==Episode 18== ===''[[w:Sailor Mouth|Sailor Mouth (18.1)]]''=== :'''SpongeBob''': Wow, 13. :'''Patrick''': That's a lot of bad words. ''[dolphin noise]'' ===''Artist Unknown (18.2)''=== :'''Squidward''': Now repeat after me. I have no talent. :'''SpongeBob''': "I have no talent." :'''Squidward''': Mr. Tentacles has all the talent. :'''SpongeBob''': "Mr. Tentacles has all the talent." :'''Squidward''': If I'm lucky, some of Mr. Tentacle's talent will rub off on me. :'''SpongeBob''': "If I'm lucky, Mr. Talent... will rub his tentacles... on my art." ''[Pause]'' :'''Squidward''': ''[unenthusiastically]'' Whatever. ==Episode 19== ===''Jellyfish Hunter (19.1)''=== :'''Mr. Krabs''': What don't you understand about "More"!? ''[multiple of SpongeBobs are watching jellyfishes]'' More! More! More. More. More! More. More! ''[He grimaces and demands more]'' More, more, more, more, more! ''MOOOOORE!!! [Cut to night. A sign reading "Jellyfish Fields: Population 4 is seen. The word "000,000" is crossed out]'' :'''SpongeBob''': Well, there's no more! Now, ''that's'' jellyfishing! ===''The Fry Cook Games (19.2)''=== :'''Patrick''': D'oh, come on, you're just flipping Patties. :'''SpongeBob''': Hey, flipping is not as easy as it sounds! ''[Patrick flips over a rock with his foot and makes a sizzling noise]'' Why don't you go home, Patrick? You can compete in the "Laying Under a Rock All Day" Games! :'''Patrick''': ''[shocked]'' Well, at least, I don't polish my fingernails! :'''SpongeBob''': ''[gasps]'' You take that back! ''[a gleam shows at the tip of his fingernails]'' :'''Patrick''': ''[mocking]'' Fingernails, fingernails, fingernails! :'''SpongeBob''': You don't even have fingernails! :'''Patrick''': ''[shocked]'' I cannot believe what I am hearing! :'''SpongeBob''': How can you hear it? You don't have ears either! :'''Patrick''': ''[thinking of a way to say something about SpongeBob then spots his holes]'' Er... Holes, holes! :'''SpongeBob''': Conehead! :'''Patrick''': Yellow! :'''SpongeBob''': Pink! ==Episode 20== ===''Squid on Strike (20.1)''=== :'''Squidward''': Nobody cares about the fate of laborers as long as they can get their instant gratification. ===''Sandy, SpongeBob and the Worm (20.2)''=== :'''Sandy''': Who's the strongest critter in Bikini Bottom? ''[pulls a live-action boat down underwater by its anchor]'' :'''SpongeBob''': You are. :'''Sandy''': And who put the, hiyah-hah-huah, "''K''" in "karate"?! :'''SpongeBob''': ''[body is shaped like a "U"] You'' did. :'''Sandy''': And who saves your yellow backside from certain destruction on a regular basis? ''[SpongeBob's backside reads "Property of Sandy Cheeks"]'' :'''SpongeBob''': You do. ==External links== {{Wikipedia|SpongeBob SquarePants (season 2)}} [[Category:SpongeBob SquarePants seasons]] [[Category:SpongeBob SquarePants]] g7y3r1mzlip7rfu6smxu3o4jow44ld4 0 177451 3153139 3152832 2022-08-10T04:57:42Z 67.241.180.73 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} ---- :'''Seasons:''' [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 1|1]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 2|2]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 3|3]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 4|4]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 5|5]] '''6''' [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 7|7]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 8|8]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 9|9]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 10|10]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 11|11]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 12|12]] [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 13|13]] ([[SpongeBob SquarePants|Main]]) | '''Movies''': [[The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie]] / [[The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge Out of Water|Sponge Out of Water]] / [[The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge on the Run|Sponge on the Run]] | '''Spin-offs:''' [[Kamp Koral: SpongeBob's Under Years|Kamp Koral]] / [[The Patrick Star Show]] ---- <br> '''''[[w:SpongeBob_SquarePants|SpongeBob SquarePants]]''''' (1999-) is an animated TV series, airing on Nickelodeon about the adventures and endeavors of the title character and his various friends in the fictional underwater city of Bikini Bottom. It spawned three movies, followed by several short films, and video games. ==Cast== *Tom Kenny as SpongeBob, Toilet, Guard #2, Narrator, Gary, DJ, Fish #1, Male Fish #3, Fish #40, Fish #3, Maestro, Announcer Fish, Fish #42, Fish #184, Fish #107, Fish #24, Announcer, Cop #1, Fish #37a, Motorcycle Fish, Pale Fish, Don, Fish #152, Fish #45, Villager, Surgeon, Judge B. Trout, Cowboy Student #2, Mailman, Fish #3, Pipsqueak, Girly Teengirl, Fish #4, Fish #1, Surfer Fish #41, Tower, Fish #155, Chip, Fish #40, Bert, Jeeves, Jellyfish, Fish #60, Champ #1, Robber, Card, TV Announcer, Cop, Trash Fish, Olaf #9, Ship Salesman, Crew Leader, Roger, Fire Fish, Customer #3, Customer #6, Show Announcer, Muisc Lover, Fish #37, Cop, Worm, Baby Worm, Garbage Fish, Sauce/T-199a, Reporter, Fish #41, Fish #40, Bell, Worm, Fish #40, Fish #1, Construction Fish, Worm, Passenger #2, Volleyball Fish, Architect, Bull, Gargoyle, Announcer, Fish, Fish #41, Hockey Fish, Announcer, Dad, Angry Fish, 50's Narrator, Theater Fish #1, Grocery Store Owner *Bill Fagerbakke as Patrick, Rock House, Cop #1, Male Fish #1, Fish #42, Fish #4, Worker #2, Fish #41, Trucker, Fish #42, Sarcastic Fish, Farmer, Customer, Fish #24, Fish #2, Fish #27, Fish #106, Ex-Convict, Fish #107, Fish #158, Customer #5, Fish #106, Fish #41, Sandwich Fish, Male Streaker *Rodger Bumpass as Squidward, Mailman, Worker #1, Squidward's Mother, Doctor, Troop Leader, Cop, Jogger Student #7, Officer, Charles, Hat Salesman, Customer #2, Fish #83, Delivery Fish, Fish #105, Fish #83, Fish #106 *Dee Bradley Baker as Squilliam, Billy, Newscaster, Construction Fish, Fish #2, Bus Driver, Sailor, Video Narrator, Fish #81, Fish #15, Fish #68, Cop #1, Dog, Kid Fish #67, Seahorse, Monster, Fish #41, Husband, Sandals, Australian Fish, Craig, Fish #155, Fish #41, Fish #152, Nat, Officer Franklin, Giant Thug Student #5, Scientist, Fish #1, Gonzalez, Health Inspector, TV Announcer, Boy in Movie #1, Old Geezer, Newscaster, Fish #17, Judge, Surfer Fish #37a, Awesome Eddie, The Big One, Fish #40, Clam, Appraiser, Bill, Fish #41, Perch Perkins, Exercise Girl, Referee, Quincy, Teller, Comic Fish, Fish #37a, Dale, Fish #40, King, Olaf #1, Olaf #4, Teacher, Monster, Leader, Eel, Cuttlefish, Phone, Prison Guard, Billy, Reporter, Employee Steve, Boy Fish, Guard, Wallet, Wallet Fish, Theater Fish #2, Kids, Captain *Alton Brown as Nicholas Withers *Mr. Lawrence as Plankton, Cop #1, Male Fish #2, Larry the Lobster, Driver, Fish #41, Fish #1, Fish #105, Fish #107, Fish #1, Citizen, Fish #106, Fish #107, Passenger #1, Lifeguard, Dude *Jill Talley as Karen, Female Fish #1, Female Fish #2, Woman Fish #1, Woman Fish #2, Woman Fish #1, Woman Fish #2, Little Girl Fish, Kid Fish #4, Wife, Woman #2, Fish #2, Mom Fish, Hideous Hair Fish, Fish #151, Dodo, Student #3, Student #8, Ice Cream Fish, Fish #49, Customer #4, Mabel, Fish #115, Pa Fish, Baby Fish, Bus Driver, Mom Fish, Mother-in-law *Clancy Brown as Mr. Krabs, Brain, Fish in Car, Dude Fish, Peasant, Fish #1, Security, Big G., Fish #36, Fish #105, Champ #2, Tom, Customer #1 *Sirena Irwin as Jennifer, Mom Fish, Lady Fish, Female Fish #3, Mama Krabs, Girl Fish, Mom Fish, Mom, Lady Fish #7, Girl Fish #14, Girl Fish #46, Woman #1, Mom, Woman #3, Student #4, Gramma, Fish #2, Lady, Fish #63, Monster, Girlfriend #8, Girlfriend #12, Judy, Female Fish #18, Official, Female Fish #6, Helga, Clerk, Woman Fish #1, Woman Fish #2, Matron, Fish #104, Fish #45, Lady Fish, Mom, Janice, Female Victim *Mary Jo Catlet as Mrs. Puff *Mark Fite as Fish #92, Fish #114, Fish #46, Fish 14, Ski Fish, Student #1, Pirate Student #6, Johnson, Boy in Movie #2, Moustache, Cop #1, Twitch, Fish #37a, Employee, Bystander, Fish #60, Tissue Paper, Fish #42, Fish #114, Fish #1, Cameraman, Fish #40 *Carolyn Lawrence as Sandy, Bakery Fish *Dean Kovanda as Fish #2 *Lori Alan as Pearl, Girlfriend #10, Girl in Movie *Brian Doyle Murray as Flying Dutchman *Bruce Brown as Narrator *Davy Jones as Davy Jones *Johnny Depp as Jack Kahuna Laguna *Randy Brenner as Soprano *Ernest Borgnine as Mermaid Man *Bob Jules as Man Ray, Cop #2, Painty the Pirate *Tim Conway as Barnacle Boy *Ian McShane as Gordon *Dennis Quaid as Grandpa RedBeard *Dee Snider as Angry Jack *Harrison Fahn as Kid Singer #1 *Elan Garfias as Kid Singer #2 *Caryn Johnson as Kid Singer #3 *John Cleese as Plankton ==Episode 1== ==="House Fancy" (1.1)=== :'''Patrick''': Who's Nick? Sorry, Squidward. I couldn't wait any longer, I've gotta use your toilet. No questions! Thanks ''[Enters the bathroom he groans and flushes the bathroom] [after using Squidward's toilet]'' Uff! I wouldn't go in there for a couple days... or weeks. :'''Squidward''': All right, first, I'm going to give you something so simple, a person without a brain could even get it done right. :'''SpongeBob''': Phew, that's good, 'cause I lent my brain to Patrick for the weekend. :'''Squidward''': Really? :'''SpongeBob''': No, not really... He traded me these two chocolate bars for it. :'''Squidward''': I don't care! Just use this paint to cover up that faded spot on the wall right there. Don't touch anything else! ==="Krabby Road" (1.2)=== :'''Patrick''': All right, I play a mean belly ''(plays the belly as a drum to a tune called William Tell Overture and stops)'' <hr width=50%> :'''SpongeBob''': Hey, Plankton, can our first song go like this? ''[makes a loud bass sound]'' And then turn into one of those songs that goes… ''[makes a high pitched screech]'' <hr width=50%> :'''SpongeBob''': ''(After spotting Plankton stealing the secret formula)'' Wait a minute… was this band just a front so you could steal the Krabby Patty Secret Formula? :'''Plankton''': What? No, I was in it for the music, man! ==Episode 2== ==="Penny Foolish" (2.1)=== :'''Mr. Krabs''': Hello, and welcome to a very important evening. Tonight's event is entitled: Pennies, for the penny-less. And before the following images are shown, I would ask each of you to look not look with your eyes, but with your heart. ''[Mr. Krabs shows some images]'' 3 dimes ($0.30), 2 nickels ($0.20), 1 quarter ($0.25), 0 pennies. And since I realize the images seen here tonight may be wretchedly hideous, I am going to tell you what you can do to end this travesty. You can donate one penny to me: Mr. Krabs. Also known as: Mr. Krabs, the man who doesn't have one. ''[Mr. Krabs starts crying and SpongeBob is crying too]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Mr. Krabs''': SpongeBob, I just wanted that penny you found on the street yesterday. Oh, I'm sorry. :'''SpongeBob''': Mr. Krabs, that wasn't a penny. ''[laughs]'' :'''Mr. Krabs''': It wasn't? :'''SpongeBob''': No, that was just a dried up piece of gum for my collection. I think it's peppermint. :'''Mr. Krabs''': Ah ha ha ha ha hooooooooo hoo. I feel so relieved. There was no penny after all! Well, I'll be going now, You can keep the metal detector, SpongeBob. See ya! :'''SpongeBob''': Thanks, Mr. Krabs. Hear, Gary. You can play with it. ''[Gary sniffs it, then blows raspberry at it, then walks away, the gum then absorbs it]'' Hey, this isn't gum (or a penny) at all. ''[pulls it out, revealing that it is a $500 bill]'' It's just a dumb old $500 bill. This won't go with my chewed up gum collection. Ah well, good night, Gary. :'''Mr Krabs''': ''(digging some holes)'' Penny, must have buried it around here somewhere. I'll just have to keep digging. ==="Nautical Novice" (2.2)=== :'''SpongeBob''': I assure you, I am well rested and ready to learn. Who knows, Mrs. Puff? Before the day is out you may have learned something yourself. ''[Mrs. Puff smells SpongeBob's odor and sprays "Shower in a Can" on him and he smells better]'' Hey, Mrs. Puff? :'''Mrs. Puff''': Yes, SpongeBob? :'''SpongeBob''': I made this for you. :'''Mrs. Puff''': Made what? :'''SpongeBob''': ''[holds out a model of a tiny boat]'' This, the H.M.S. Pinafore, at 1 to 8,427 scale of course. <hr width=50%> :'''Mrs. Puff''': Good thing you studied. ==Episode 3== ==="Spongicus" (3.1)=== :'''Plankton''': Welcome one and all, to the first biannual big arena of annihilation! ''[everyone cheers]'' :'''Patrick''': All right! ''[Patrick is about to eat a sausage, when the lionfish growls at him, Plankton laughs]'' :'''Plankton''': That pink dimwit doesn't stand a chance with those sausages around his throat! As soon as the smell of sausage hits that ravenous lionfish's nostrils, he'll be all over Patrick like mold on a shower curtain! :'''Betsy Krabs''': Boring! [throws a tomato at the ground] I want to see some body parts! :'''Plankton''': This is ridiculous! I order a simple brutal mauling for my denizens, and I get a circus act! :'''Sadie''': Ten dollars?! Why would I pay ten dollars, when I can go across the street and get a Krabby Patty for one dollar? :'''Plankton''': Now, I've been waiting for 20 years to have the amount of customers Krabs sees everyday! And I won't let that be ruined because the show's "boring," or the food's "inedible." <hr width=50%> :'''Mr. Krabs''': Ahem, perhaps you'd like to speak to our financial expert. ''["financial expert" is the lionfish that was chasing Plankton, Scooter is scared, and gives Mr. Krabs $10]'' :'''Scooter''': ''[muttering]'' Stupid inflation. :'''Mr. Krabs''': Thanks for your business. ''[everyone laughs, they then stop and walk away, the lion then growls, and the episode ends]'' ==="Suction Cup Symphony" (3.2)=== :'''Squidward''': ''(looking at his essay with a triumphant but sleepless face)'' I've done it, I've finally finished it ''(kisses the essay and laughs)'' I did it, I did it! ''(runs out of his house in an ecstatic delirium)'' ---- :'''Squidward''': Patrick, what are you doing here? :'''Patrick''': I don't know. ''(He smiles wanly)'' I'm funny. ---- '''Fish''': ''(seeing an anchor dropped onto Patrick's leg)'' That's gonna leave a mark. ==Episode 4== ==="Not Normal" (4.1)=== :'''Customer 1''': Ugh. That ain't right. I will never spend money here again! :'''Mr. Krabs''': Never? :'''Customer 2''': Come on, guys. These patties ain't worth the paper they're printed on! <hr width=50%> :'''Patrick''': SpongeBob, the weird therapy is working. Your craters are coming back. We just have to keep pushing the boundaries. We've gotta get stranger. ''[Cuts to Jellyfish Fields where SpongeBob is riding on Patrick's back like a horse and catches a jellyfish in the net. Another crater comes back. Cuts to SpongeBob and Patrick licking the sand and as SpongeBob is licking, his nose grows back to normal size. Cuts to Patrick and SpongeBob standing on their hands]'' Talk backwards. :'''SpongeBob''': Tap, erus uoy era? (Are you sure, Pat?) ''[SpongeBob's legs and arms are back to normal]'' ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- :'''Squidward''': ''[Patrick's rock begins to open]'' It's me, Squidward. I'm looking for SpongeBob. ''[Squidward is in a normal state]'' Hi, how are ya? ''[SpongeBob is so scared and shocked at how Squidward looks that he screams himself back into his regular self]'' :'''Patrick''': SpongeBob, you're back to your square shape. :'''SpongeBob''': Wow, I guess Squidward's normal looks scared me back to my original form. Thanks, buddy, you saved my life. :'''Normal Squidward''': Wonderful weather we're having, hm? :'''SpongeBob''': It sure is, buddy. It sure is. ''[he and Patrick laugh whilst the episode ends]'' ==="Gone" (4.2)=== :'''Patrick''': Yeah. Everyone needs at least one day away from... ''(laughs like SpongeBob imitating his face)'' ==Episode 5== ==="The Splinter" (5.1)=== :'''Squidward''': ''[same tone]'' The spatula... TIED TO YOUR NOSE!! :'''SpongeBob''': Ohhh, this! ''[explains quickly]'' Well, you see, this got stuck up there so I stacked stuff and I climbed up to reach it. I reached it and grabbed it. I got it but then I fell and I screamed! I was sure I was dead but then I wasn't but then I tripped and I got this splinter and...Squidward? Squidward, were you listening at all? I got this really bad splinter, you see? And I couldn't hold the spatula with my hand so I used my nose. Makes sense now, huh? :'''Squidward''': ''[sarcastic]'' Oh, yeah, that makes perfect sense. You're a half-wit who injured himself at work being a nitwit. :'''SpongeBob''': ''[laughs]'' Good one, Squiddy. :'''Squidward''': ''[grumbles]'' Injury. Your brain is injured! ''[gets an idea]'' Wait a minute. Did you say that you got that splinter injury at work? ==="Slide Whistle Stooges" (5.2)=== :'''SpongeBob''': You see, Squidward! Slide whistling can add a little zest to the humdrum of everyday life. :'''Squidward''': I don't need zest! I need you out of my lampshade! ''[Squidward jumps onto the table to get them out, but they're not there. SpongeBob appears with the slide whistle effect behind a plant]'' Get out of there! ''[SpongeBob floats through the air with the slide whistle noise and out the door. SpongeBob and Patrick are spinning around the circular windows]'' Just get out of there! ''[They land onto his paintings and become the shape of his head(s)]'' Okay, that's enough! You've had your fun. <hr width=50%> :'''SpongeBob''': Wow Squidward, listen to you! You're getting better already! Here we'll help. ''[he and Patrick raise their slide whistles... they go around the hospital playing the slide whistle to CPR, a guy on a ventilator, and Gill Gilliam stitching Nat up]'' ==Episode 6== ==="A Life in a Day" (6.1)=== :'''Patrick''': LIVING LIKE LARRY!!! ===[[w:Sun Bleached (SpongeBob SquarePants episode)|"Sun Bleached" (6.2)]]=== :'''Patrick''': ''[sprays dirt with a water hose then dips SpongeBob who is sun bleached and horribly dry, into a puddle of mud, wipes the mud away from his eyes, puts two slabs of jerky for SpongeBob's buck teeth, then rips out his own armpit hair]'' AAHHHH!! AAH-AHH-AAAHH!! ''[instantly turns calm, then places the armpit hair onto SpongeBob's head, then gives SpongeBob a mirror]'' See? :'''SpongeBob''': ''[screams, horrified]'' I... look... ''[adoring voice]'' Amaaaziiing. :'''SpongeBob''': No, Patrick I... ''[notices the people staring at him. He laughs nervously, then the caramel cracks, which reveals some light. All gasp, then the caramel breaks]'' :'''Frankie''': So, bright! :'''Sally''': Honey, look away! ''[Frankie's eyes melt. SpongeBob laughs nervously]'' :'''Fred''': Nice Job! :'''Harold''': ''[Australian accent]'' Your hideously white skin just ruined the party. I mean look at you! Do you hug your mother with that skin? ==Episode 7== ==="Giant Squidward" (7.1)=== :'''Patrick''': ''[about Squidward's kelp flowers, with a soft tone]'' They're preeeeeeettyyy! ''[Squidward shrieks]'' :'''Squidward''': Patrick! :'''SpongeBob''': And SpongeBob! :'''Squidward''': What are you two doing here? :'''SpongeBob''': Patrick is helping me to do good deeds today, like trimming your kelp garden! ''[points to Patrick, who takes a large bite out of the kelp, then burps]'' :'''Squidward''': ''[Yells]'' '''STOP EATING MY KELP!!!''' ''[shoves Patrick and SpongeBob]'' :'''Patrick''': Okay, okay, geez! I try to help a fellow out. I'll just have to eat this ice cream cone instead! :'''Squidward''': Oh! Do you like to eat ice cream, Patrick? :'''Patrick''': Hmmmmmm... yeah. :'''Squidward''': Then have some more! ''[sprays the ice cream]'' :'''Patrick''': ''[falls over when the ice cream gets bigger]'' Whoa! Oof! :'''Squidward''': Ha, ha, ha! Still want that ice cream? :'''Patrick''': Boy I do! Thanks, Squidward! Want some, SpongeBob? Last one to the cone is a rotten clam! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Squidward''': ''[bonks SpongeBob on the head]'' HEY! Look what you did to me! If you don't fix my nose, you'll hear from my lawyer! :'''SpongeBob''': Are you sure? :'''Patrick''': Yeah! You'll be ugly again! <hr width="50%"/> :'''SpongeBob''': Good deed accomplished! I ask for no reward. :'''Patrick''': You're a saint, SpongeBob! A SAINT! :'''SpongeBob''': I know, and it is a burden I must carry. ==="No Nose Knows" (7.2)=== :'''Patrick''': ''(with huge ears)'' I HEAR THAT! :'''Squidward''': What are you doing with my cheese? :'''Patrick''': It's rotten garbage now. [throws it in the garbage, then blasts it with a rocket launcher] That's better. :'''Squidward''': That was my cheese. It's supposed to smell like that, kelp for brains! ==Episode 8== ==="Patty Caper" (8.1)=== :'''SpongeBob''': Mr. Krabs, isn't... ''that'' the stolen secret ingredient? :'''Mr. Krabs''': Uh, what are you talking about, SpongeBob? I'm not holding any secret ingredient. ''[holds it out, then hides it]'' :'''Policeman''': You might want to stand that you stole the item in question? :'''Mr. Krabs''': Well, I wouldn't call it stealing. :'''Policeman''': And you were going to let someone else take the fall for this little caper? :'''Mr. Krabs''': I can explain! :'''Policeman''': Please do. :'''Mr. Krabs''': It's simple, $1.99 is a lot to pay for the secret ingredient every time I get a delivery, so I... s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s... took it... to avoid paying, you know. :'''Policeman''': I think Judge Trout will be very interested to hear this little story. ''[handcuffs him]'' :'''Mr. Krabs''': What, what'd I do? ''[cuts to the court house]'' :'''Judge''': All rise. Eugene Krabs. :'''Mr. Krabs''': Your honor...? :'''Judge''': As punishment for committing the crime of grand theft, I sentence you to give away Krabby Patties for free... all day tommorow. :'''Mr. Krabs''': Give away me Patties for free? Oh no, I couldn't bear the sight of that. ''[cuts to next day at the Krusty Krab, and Mr. Krabs is screaming]'' :'''SpongeBob''': Step right up, and get your free Krabby Patties! ''[When SpongeBob gives away free Krabby Patties, the 2 policemen holds Mr. Krabs still while he is crying, then the policemen laugh.]'' ==="Plankton's Regular" (8.2)=== :'''Mr. Krabs''': ♪ ''Rolling, rolling, rolling! Money keeps on rolling along!'' ♪ ''[playing bowling with money]'' 1 more time! ''[notices Plankton]'' No way, Plankton! You're not getting me formula this time or any time! ''[throws him on the counter, then gets a spoon, and crushes him]'' :'''Plankton''': Don't bother. There's no need. :'''Mr. Krabs''': What are you talking about? :'''Plankton''': ''[slides out of the spoon]'' I'm just saying I no longer need to copy you, Krabs. I've got my own winning recipe now. :'''Mr. Krabs''': ''[laughs]'' You're really funny man! You think you can compete with me? Look Plankton, look at all these loyal customers. Loyal to me, Plankton, not to you! :'''Nat''': Hey, Plankton, can I get another one of your delicious Chum Sticks? :'''Plankton''': But of course, loyal customer. ''[hops out of Mr. Krabs' hands, onto Nat's hand]'' I'll see you later, loser. Much later! ''[laughs]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Plankton''': Nat, back all ready? That's the fifth time today. Not that I'm surprised. Karen, babe, fetch Nat another plate of that sweet chum. :'''Karen''': Yes, Your Diminutiveness. ''[goes in the kitchen]'' :'''Plankton''': Say, Nat, do you have any friends? :''Nat''': Nope. :'''Plankton''': ''[sings a little, then laughs]'' Would you hurry up with that chum, Karen?! :'''SpongeBob''': ''[imitating Karen]'' Yeah, yeah, yeah. Keep your tiny pants on, Plankton. Bleep, bloop. ''[throws a Krabby Patty]'' There's your chum, bleep blap blop. :'''Nat''': Hey, this doesn't look like chum. :'''Plankton''': And that doesn't look like Karen! :'''SpongeBob''': ''[looks like Karen]'' Why, don't be ridiculous, my husband. Bleep, blap. Of course it's me. :'''Plankton''': What have you done with Karen, you brute?! :''[Karen is taped up in the kitchen]'' :'''Nat''': How many times do I have to tell you? ''[throws the Krabby Patty away]'' I don't want to eat your trash! Plankton's chum is my favorite breakfast, lunch, and dinner! I love chum, so forget it! I don't want to eat anything else! :'''SpongeBob''': ''[returns to normal, and speaks in normal voice]'' So you're saying that you love chum? And all that you ever eat is chum? :'''Nat''': Yeah! Th-that's right! :'''SpongeBob''': Interesting. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Karen''': Call it a computer's intuition, but I sense your regular approaching, with an unusually large wad of cash. :'''Mr. Krabs''': Look at all that loot! :'''Plankton''': That's right, Krabs, and you're going to have to keep looking when my customer comes in and pays me for my chum! :'''Mr. Krabs''': D'oh, just put me out of me misery! :''[Nat walks in, angered]'' :'''Plankton''': Back for more of my delicious chum, I see! :'''Nat''': Not this time! :'''Plankton and Mr. Krabs''': Huh? :'''Nat''': Not ever again! ''[throws all the money at Karen''] The deal's off, computer! I can't eat another bite of that slop, no matter how much you pay me! :'''Plankton''': Ha-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba… Huh? :'''Nat''': I have eaten 10 of those things, and I've all ready had to go to the doctor... twice! ''[groans in pain]'' If you need me, I'll be getting my stomach pumped... again. [gets carried out]'' :'''Plankton''': What's the deal, Karen? :'''Karen''': "The deal" was that I paid Nat to eat your chum, so you'd quit your constant complaining. :'''Plankton''': All this time, I never had 1 regular customer? :'''Karen''': Duh. :'''Plankton''': Should have known! Why would anyone ever eat my slop? :'''Karen''': Uhh, there he goes again. Cut it out, Plankton! :'''Plankton''': What? It's just obvious that I'm a complete failure, and wasted of a lower life form! Oh, woe is me! ''[cries]'' :'''SpongeBob''': Quickly, now is the time to make a hasty retreat! :'''Mr. Krabs''': What, and miss this? I've never enjoyed me self more! This irony is pretty good stuff. ''[laughs]'' ==Episode 9== ==="Boating Buddies" (9.1)=== :'''SpongeBob''': Didn't you used to have one of those cucumber bicycles? :'''Squidward''': Oh. ''[laughs]'' That was a recumbent bicycle, and I sold it. :'''SpongeBob''': Why? :'''Squidward''': So, I could get further away from you! ''[rushes off]'' :'''SpongeBob''': Okay, I'll see you later then, Squidward. <hr width="50%"/> ==="The Krabby Kronicle" (9.2)=== :'''Gym Teacher''': Out, out, out! :'''Larry''': Hey, what's the big idea? :'''Gym Teacher''': ''This! [shows him the newspaper]'' :'''Larry''': ''[reading]'' "Larry the Loser gets beaten up by (a) pipsqueak"? ''[stops reading]'' But, but, but– :'''Gym Teacher''': No "buts"! I can't have a wimp like you destroying my gym's reputation! You're banned forever! ''[throws him out, then SpongeBob walks up]'' :'''SpongeBob''': Hello, Larry. :'''Larry''': Not now, SpongeBob. Let me take in the fact that my life is ruined! :'''SpongeBob''': "Ruined"? What are you talking about? :'''Larry''': These lies someone wrote about me. ''[shows him the paper, and SpongeBob gasps]'' :''[Scene cuts to the Krusty Krab.]'' :'''Mr. Krabs''': Thanks for your business, and here's your paper. ''[hands fish the paper]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Plankton''': Oh, Karen! I think this is it! The Chum Stick that's finally gonna drive Krabs out of business! :'''Health Inspector''': I think not. I'm Health Inspector Yellowtail. I'm officially closing down your restaurant. :'''Plankton''': Why? I haven't done anything. :'''Health Inspector''': That's not what this says. ''[shows Plankton the paper]'' :'''Plankton''': ''[reading]'' "Plankton's chum made of your chums! The Chum Bucket serves your friends in more ways than one!"? ''[stops reading]'' What?! ''[the health inspector locks down the Chum Bucket]'' Who's to blame for this? Who?! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sandy''': Sorry, fellars, this is a private treedome. :'''Dennis''': I had no idea it talked. ''[to Sandy]'' Don't worry, we're from the Neptunian Science Committee, and we've come to confiscate all your science awards. Haven't you read today's headlines? ''[holds up newspaper]'' :'''Fish 2''': It can't even read. Why are you...? :'''Sandy''': Oh, give me that! ''[reading]'' "Sandy Cheeks or Sandy Chump? Bushy tailed braniac really a slow-witted squirrel, by... SpongeBob SquarePants"? ''[stops reading]'' That yellow sidewinder thinks he can do that to me!? :'''Dennis''': Oh, boy. We better scram! The dumb ones are always the most violent! <hr width="50%"/> :'''SpongeBob''': Mr. Krabs, I can't write these stories anymore. :'''Mr. Krabs''': Come on, that's a bunch of hooey! :'''SpongeBob''': I've seen people's lives ruined... with my own eyes! :'''Mr. Krabs''': People want wild juicy stories! That's what sells! Now I want your little yellow noggin, to come up with the wildest story ever! One that'll top all the others! :'''SpongeBob''': Gee Mr. Krabs, I've written about everybody in town. Any ideas, sir? :'''Mr. Krabs''': Surprise me! Give me a shocker! ''[throws him in his chair]'' Good night, boy. I'll check on you tomorrow morning, and remember, the wildest story ever! ''(leaves)'' :'''SpongeBob''': Oh, "the wildest story ever", huh? ''[starts writing/typing, then cuts to the next day where the paper's are being printed, and Mr. Krabs runs in]'' :'''Mr. Krabs''': How's it going, lad? :'''SpongeBob''': ''[turns around, and he is very tired]'' :'''SpongeBob''': Ahh-ahh, it's a surprise. :'''Mr. Krabs''': Excellent! We're gonna sell out in no time! We'll have to do another printing. ''[runs outside, and there is an angry mob]'' Huh? :'''Martha''': Taskmaster! :'''Mr. Krabs''': What's going on? :'''Martha''': You should know! ''[shows him the newspaper]'' :'''Mr. Krabs''': ''[reading]'' "Krabs overworks employees, reaps reward!? Krabby Kronicle mastermind behind bogus stories pays his tired, under-age reporter pennies while he rakes in the dough!"? :'''Martha''': How could you do that to such an innocent child?! This is sick and inhumane! :'''Sandy''': Not to mention the fact that he's written lies about us! :'''Plankton''': I lost my restaurant because of you, and I thought ''I'' was evil. :'''Larry''': All the kids in town want to beat me up for lunch money! ''[cries]'' :'''Mrs. Puff''': And I've had to go back to watching... ''[starts to cry]'' ...Daytime television! :'''Martha''': Oh, that's it! We're taking our money back! ''[everyone runs in, and takes bags of money while leaving a trail of destruction]'' :'''Mr. Krabs''': No! AAAAAAHHHHH!!! ''[starts to cry]'' :'''SpongeBob''': Mr. Krabs, are you okay? :'''Mr. Krabs''': How can I be okay when me money's gone?! All gone! ''[cries then sighs]'' It just goes to show, trying to make an easy buck doesn't pay. ''[notices the printing press]'' Or does it? ''[puts a dollar in the printing press, and turns it on, which makes sheets of paper with just pictures of money]'' Get me some scissors, boy-o! It's time to use my imagination! :'''Patrick''': ''[while wearing fancy clothes]'' Hey, guys. Could you fix me and the wife up a couple of Krabby Patties? ''[his "wife" is the pole as described in the newspaper earlier]'' ==Episode 10== ==="The Slumber Party" (10.1)=== :'''SpongeBob''': You wanna stay here... at my house... with MEEEEEEE?!? :'''Mr. Krabs''': Whaddya say, boy? ''[SpongeBob rockets up in excitement]'' :'''SpongeBob''': Yee-hee! Slumber party! :'''Mr. Krabs''': Maybe I should just sleep under the highway. ''[Afterwards, SpongeBob and Mr. Krabs get into some sleeping bags and lie down near the TV]'' :'''SpongeBob''': We can stay up really, really late! And tell ghost stories and trade socks! ''[He shows Mr. Krabs his socks]'' :'''Mr. Krabs''': Is that what girls do at slumber parties? :'''SpongeBob''': No. They invite boys over and destroy the house! :'''Mr. Krabs''': They what?! :'''SpongeBob''': You know how girls are. :'''Mr. Krabs''': Uh, SpongeBob, do you know anything about girls? :'''SpongeBob''': ''[laughs]'' Do I know any...? No, but Gary does. ''[We see Gary reading a magazine, also holding the remote]'' :'''Gary''': Meow. [flicks on TV]'' :'''TV Announcer''': We now return to tonight’s scary movie: Slumber Party Zombie Attack! ''[In the movie, some girls are having a slumber party]'' :'''Girl Fish''': Pillow fight! ''[Girls fight and giggle. A pillow is thrown into a vase and picture frame]'' Missed me! :'''Mr. Krabs''': ''[Gasp]'' Look what they’re doing to that man’s house! :'''SpongeBob''': But, Mr. Krabs, it’s only a mov-ieeeeeeeeee... ==="Grooming Gary" (10.2)=== :'''SpongeBob''': You were trying to tell me that all along Weren't you, Gary? :'''Gary''': Meow, meow! :'''SpongeBob''': Well, I won't let it happen again. :'''Judge''': Well, I think we can all agree that this year’s groomers cup goes to... SpongeBob and his wonderful pet! :'''SpongeBob''': Did you hear that, Gary? They're rewarding you for standing up and speaking out against injustice. Maybe these pageants aren't so superficial after all. :'''Judge''': What are you talking about? The snail didn't win, I was referring to your other pet. He's so adorable. ''[Patrick...?]'' :'''Patrick''': Woof, woof! ''[sticks his tongue out]'' ==[[w:SpongeBob SquarePants vs. The Big One|"SpongeBob SquarePants vs. The Big One" (Episode 11)]]== :'''Mr. Krabs''': Where are your shoes? You're not going section 8 on me, are you? :'''SpongeBob''': It's so hot, my shoes... my shoes melted off. <hr width=50%> :'''J.K.L.''': ''[repeated line]'' Just keep breathin'. ==Episode 12== ==="Porous Pockets" (12.1)=== :'''SpongeBob''': Good idea coming here, Patrick! :'''Patrick''': That’s my specialty. :'''SpongeBob''': Having good ideas? :'''Patrick''': No, being called Patrick. ==="Choir Boys" (12.2)=== :''[Squidward doesn't use the toilet, making it sad]'' :'''Toilet Paper''': Don't feel bad. He didn't use me yesterday either. ---- :'''SpongeBob''': Squidward? Where are you going, all dressed up? :'''Squidward''': None of your business! :'''SpongeBob''': Can I come? :'''Squidward''': And no, You Can't. :'''SpongeBob''': Are you going to a fancy store? :'''Squidward''': No. :'''SpongeBob''': A fancy party? :'''Squidward''': No! :'''SpongeBob''': A hot fancy pants date? :'''Squidward''': NO! :'''SpongeBob''': Can I come, can I come, can I come, can I come, can I come, can I come, can I come, can I come, can I come, can I come, can I come, can I come? :'''Squidward''': No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, NO! Does that answer your questions? :'''SpongeBob''': All except for that last one. ==Episode 13== ==="Krusty Krushers" (13.1)=== :'''Mr. Krabs''': Like we're really gonna turn all this money for-- :'''SpongeBob and Patrick''': Wrestle Camp! Wrestle Camp, Wrestle Camp, Wrestle Camp! :'''Perch Perkins''': Wrestle Camp it is. ''[The janitor vacuums up all the money and Mr. Krabs falls apart, then the janitor walks away]'' :'''SpongeBob''': See you at Wrestle Camp, Mr. Krabs! ''[He drops a wrestle camp hat on Mr. Krabs and the episode ends.]'' ==="The Card" (13.2)=== :'''SpongeBob''': [gasps] THE SUPER RARE AND PRICELESS MERMAIDMAN AND BARNACLEBOY TRADING CARD! Patrick, Where is It, Where is it? Damn, Neptune, You Did Not Put That In Your Pocket, Did You? —————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————— :'''Patrick''': SpongeBob, you can't always expect my usual brand of stupidity. I like to mix it up. Keep you on your toes. ==Episode 14== ==="Dear Vikings" (14.1)=== ==="Ditchin'" (14.2)=== ==Episode 15== ==="Grandpappy the Pirate" (15.1)=== ==="Cephalopod Lodge" (15.2)=== ==Episode 16== ==="Squid's Visit" (16.1)=== ==="To SquarePants or Not to SquarePants" (16.2)=== ==Episode 17== ==="Shuffleboarding" (17.1)=== ''[a man is shown chewing his gum; gum bubble pops]'' :'''Patrick''': You're chewing too loud! ''[Patrick throws him in jail; a man with untied shoes is shown]'' :'''SpongeBob''': Shoes untied! ''[SpongeBob throws him in jail; an old woman is shown]'' :'''Patrick''': You're too old! ''[Patrick throws her in jail, which has lots of people]'' '' [The jail explodes. People land everywhere and some of them say “My leg!”] '' ==="Professor Squidward" (17.2)=== :'''Music Headmistress''': The real Squiliam as we all know has a large bushy unibrow just at the base of his forehead. :'''Squidward''': But... ''(A police officer rips off Squidward's Wig)'' :'''Police Officer''': No unibrow. Squidward Q. Tentacles, i'm placing you under arrest for impersonating a genius. ==External links== {{Wikipedia|SpongeBob SquarePants (season 6)}} * [http://www.nick.com/all_nick/tv_supersites/SpongeBob/bobintro.html?_requestid=197154 Nick.com] &ndash; Official site * [http://www.nickelodeon.com.au/fuckynick/tvshows/shows/index.php?show_id=31_requestedid=197154 Nick Australia] &ndash; The Nick Shack * [http://www.en.spongepedia.bimserver.com SpongePedia] &ndash; A SpongeBob Wiki from [[w:Wikia|Wikia]] * [http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0206512/quotes SpongeBob SquarePants Quotes] on IMDB [[Category:SpongeBob SquarePants]] [[Category:SpongeBob SquarePants seasons]] jy29c758y2zf9ds7irwxvjiokiij8wg 0 177462 3153074 3080751 2022-08-10T01:14:36Z 107.77.203.123 I added content wikitext text/x-wiki Spongebob is an animated TV series, airing on Nickelodeon about the adventures and endeavors and food and money with mr. Krabs of the title character and his various friends in the fictional underwater city of Bikini Bottom. It spawned [[The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie|a movie]], followed by several short films, and video games. ==Episode 1== ===''Gramma's Secret Recipe (1.1)''=== ===''The Cent of Money (1.2)''=== ==''[[w:Legends of Bikini Bottom|Legends of Bikini Bottom (Episodes 2–4)]]''== ===Episode 2=== ====''The Monster Who Came to Bikini Bottom (2.1)''==== :'''Patrick''': Uh, I'd like you to meet my friend, SpongeBob. :'''SpongeBob''': And you are? :'''Monster''': Raaaaaaaarrrrghhh! :'''SpongeBob''': Nice to meet you, Mr. Raaaaaaaarrrrghhh! ====''Welcome to the Bikini Bottom Triangle (2.2)''==== :'''Mr. Krabs''': ''[to the mermaids]'' So there's really no way out of this place? ''[cries]'' Cause I really need to get back to the Krusty Krab to stop me arch-nemesis from ruining me business. :'''Lead Mermaid''': T.N.O.P, Grandpa. :'''Mr. Krabs''': T.N.O.P? :'''Spongebob''': ''[to Mr. Krabs]'' Totally Not Our Problem. ===Episode 3=== ====''The Curse of the Hex (3.1)''==== ====''The Main Drain (3.2)''==== ===Episode 4=== ====''Trenchbillies (4.1)''==== ====''Sponge-Cano! (4.2)''==== ==''[[w:The Great Patty Caper|The Great Patty Caper (Episode 5)]]''== ==Episode 6== ===''That Sinking Feeling (6.1)''=== :'''Patrick''': Knock, knock! :'''SpongeBob''': Who's there? :'''Patrick''': I don't know! ''[laughs]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Squidward''': Why were you digging under my yard? :'''SpongeBob''': You told us not to walk on your yard, so, we walked under it. :'''Squidward''': But you buried my house! :'''Patrick''': No need to thank us. :'''Squidward''': THANK YOU?!? :'''Patrick''': You're welcome. ===''Karate Star (6.2)''=== ==Episode 7== ===''Buried in Time (7.1)''=== ===''Enchanted Tiki Dreams (7.2)''=== ==Episode 8== ===''The Abrasive Side (8.1)''=== :'''Mr. Krabs''': Ahoy there, SpongeBob! I need you to work an extra 17 hour shift tonight! :'''SpongeBob''': Oh, sure thing Mr.-- ''[flips to Abrasive SB]'' :'''Abrasive SpongeBob''': Sorry, Krabs! I'm busy! Unless you're payin' me overtime! ''[leaves]'' :'''Mr. Krabs''': Overtime? O... o... o-ver-time...? ''[He gets out a dictionary]'' Overtime? Hm, let's see here... "over"... "oversold"... "overspend"... Ah! "Overtime: More money per hour". ''[mutters for a moment]'' AHHHH!!! ''[hides behind desk]'' Oh, filthy, disgusting word! <hr width=50%> :'''Squidward''': Oh fun. I suppose you want me to play some stupid game, or you'll just follow me around all day and never ever leave, huh? :''[He sprays SpongeBob with his hose; SpongeBob flips to Abrasive SB]'' :'''Squideard''': Tch, huh. :''[Abrasive SB snaps his fingers repeatedly]'' :'''Abrasive SpongeBob''': 'Fraid not, Schnozward! I wouldn't hang out with you for all the money in Krabs' mattress! :'''Squidward''': ''[hugs him]'' You don't know how long I've waited to hear those words! <hr widh=50%> :'''Patrick''': Hey, SpongeBob! You're right on time for our play date! :'''SpongeBob''': Ooh, I can't wait... ''[flips to Abrasive SB]'' :'''Abrasive SpongeBob''': ...to ditch you... ''[flips to Normal SB]'' :'''SpongeBob''': ...cause you're my best friend... ''[flips to Abrasive SB]'' :'''Abrasive SpongeBob''': ...so beat it, tubby! I don't care for your company! ''[flips to Normal SB]'' :'''SpongeBob''': Well, Patrick, are you ready to have some fun? :'''Patrick''': I don't know...! ''[sobs]'' ===''Earworm (8.2)''=== ==Episode 9== ===''Hide and Then What Happens? (9.1)''=== ===''Shellback Shenanigans (9.2)''=== ==Episode 10== ===''The Masterpiece (10.1)''=== ===''Whelk Attack (10.2)''=== ==Episode 11== ===''You Don't Know Sponge (11.1)''=== ===''Tunnel of Glove (11.2)''=== :'''Pearl''': Ugh, this ride is lame! Hey! You're allowed to speak now! :'''SpongeBob''': ''[rapid fire]'' I bet Mr. Krabs would get a kick out of this ride, don't you think? I mean he's so tough on the outside, but he's got a soft side, too. You know, this one time I was upset because my snail Gary he was sick and he let me leave 5 minutes early. Isn't that the sweetest thing you've ever heard? Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah... :'''Narrator''': Two very boring minutes later... :'''SpongeBob''': And theeeen, there was that time that Mr. Krabs yelled at me for getting to work before he did, and he didn't even dock my pay! What a sweet man!!! <hr width="50%"> :'''SpongeBob''': Pearl, I don't think this is the Tunnel of Glove... it's the Tunnel of '''EVIL!!''' ==Episode 12== ===''Krusty Dogs (12.1)''=== ===''The Wreck of the Mauna Loa (12.2)''=== :'''Patrick''': What's wrong, SpongeBob? :'''SpongeBob''': Just as I thought. We're being followed. THAT'S IT! ''[opens seaweed, no one's there]'' Heh, looks like no one was following us to the secret hideout after all! :'''Mr. Krabs''': Found it! :'''SpongeBob''': Hey, were you following us? :'''Mr. Krabs''': No, I just saw the sign. ''[Scene zooms out Patrick painting a sign reading "SpongeBob and Patrick's Secret Hideout"]'' ==Episode 13== ===''New Fish in Town (13.1)''=== ===''Love That Squid (13.2)''=== :'''SpongeBob''': When was the last time you went out on a date? :''[Squidward remembers the last date he had was with a female octopus, dancing in 1930's Mickey Mouse style]'' :'''Squidward''': SpongeBob, you've gotta help me! It's been so long! What do I do?! ==Episode 14== ===''Big Sister Sam (14.1)''=== :'''Sam''': MORE SPIFFY! <hr width=50%> :'''Patrick''': Aww, Sam. You don't have to go. :'''Sam''': No. I leave now. Late for manicure. ===''Perfect Chemistry (14.2)''=== :'''Sandy''': Aw, I knew Plankton was hatching an evil plan the whole time. So I just adjusted the controls to put Plankton where he can't do any harm. Nobody fools a squirrel from Texas! ''[episode ends with Sandy laughing evilly]'' ==Episode 15== ===''Accidents Will Happen (15.1)''=== ===''The Other Patty (15.2)''=== :'''Mr. Krabs''': What? You mean all this was one of your goofball schemes? :'''Plankton''': Now, now, Krabs, SpongeBob has taught us important life lessons, such as, oh, how to fall out of an airplane for instance. :'''Mr. Krabs''': Yeah, and how to comically bludgeon myself. :'''Plankton''': In fact, I think it's time we repay him, don't you? :'''Mr. Krabs''': Great idea, pal. ''[clenches fists together. Plankton does the same]'' We'll teach you about teamwork. ''[hops on top of Plankton who carries him. SpongeBob runs away screaming]'' Get back here! ''[Plankton chases SpongeBob while carrying Mr. Krabs]'' :'''Plankton''': We should do this more often, Krabs. ==Episode 16== ===''Drive Thru (16.1)''=== :'''Squidward''': Ah! Ooh! I'm not faking you know. It really hurt... a lot. <hr width="50%"> :'''Plankton''': Chum Nuggets… Get it before… ''[his left arm fall apart]'' …My arm falls off. ===''The Hot Shot (16.2)''=== ==Episode 17== ===''A Friendly Game (17.1)''=== ===''Sentimental Sponge (17.2)''=== ==''Frozen Face-Off (Episode 18)''== ==Episode 19== ===''Squidward's School for Grown-Ups (19.1)''=== :'''SpongeBob''': ''[showing off a "fancy" outfit that he is wearing]'' So, umm...what do you guys think? Sweet duds, huh, Patrick? :'''Patrick''': Ha ha, sure are! ''[Squidward clears his throat]'' ...for a baby. :'''Squidward''': Well played, Patrick! Well played... <hr width=50%> :'''SpongeBob''': Beard! I must remove that beard! <hr width=50%> :'''Patrick''': Hey! Stop that beard! :'''SpongeBob''': Patrick! It's not a beard! It's a sea urchin! It must've been sleeping on your face until your tears awoke it from its hibernation. :'''Patrick''': How do you know my name!? :'''SpongeBob''': Because, Mr. Patrick Star... ''[takes off his hat]'' ...you told me. :'''Patrick''': SpongeBob! :'''SpongeBob''': Patrick! ''[hugs him]'' :'''Patrick''': Oh, please! You can call me Patrick! ''[The crowd cheers for SpongeBob and Patrick until they are interrupted by Squidward]'' :'''Squidward''': Quiet! Hold it! Stop it right there! I am ashamed and disgusted by you people! I mean, don't you know a terrible performance when you see it!? :'''Fish''': Yes! We do! :'''Squidward''': That's what I thought you... ''[gets a tomato tossed right in his face]'' No, no! I didn't mean it like that! It was-- ''[gets bombarded with even more fruit]'' :'''SpongeBob and Patrick''': ''[laughing]'' Food fight! ''[The episode ends with SpongeBob, Patrick, and the crowd throwing food]'' ===''Oral Report (19.2)''=== :'''SpongeBob''': Patrick, you're kinda derailing the proceedings here. Just focus on me, huh? :'''Patrick''': Alright, alright. ''[stares at SpongeBob with bloodshot eyes]'' <hr width=50%> :'''SpongeBob''': Patrick, nobody throws pillows in class! :'''Patrick''': Says you! SPEECH! <hr width=50%> :'''Patrick''': Try again. :'''SpongeBob''': ''[panting]'' Boating...safety... (''Patrick crashes together a pair of cymbals, causing SpongeBob to lose his balance and fall off the treadmill while still holding the handlebars'') :'''Patrick''': Come on, SquarePants. Is this the best you can do? :'''SpongeBob''': Patrick, I don't think this is working. (''The treadmill's motion grinds SpongeBob into a pile of dust on the floor'') :'''Patrick''': ''[shouts] '''SPEECH'''''!!! ''[startled, SpongeBob jumps up in his normal form. Patrick continues yelling the same word repeatedly, making SpongeBob even more nervous] SPEECH!! SPEECH!! SPEECH!! SPEECH!! SPEECH!! SPEECH!! [his eyes are now talking] SPEECH!! SPEECH!! SPEECH!! SPEECH!! SPEECH!! SPEE--'' :'''SpongeBob''': Patrick, stop! Somehow, you're help just isn't helping. I am even more nervous about this oral report than I've ever been about anything. ''[shivers]'' ==Episode 20== ===''Sweet and Sour Squid (20.1)''=== ===''The Googly Artiste (20.2)''=== ==''SpongeBob's Runaway Roadtrip'' (Episodes 21–23)== ===''A SquarePants Family Vacation (Episode 21)''=== ===Episode 22=== ====''Patrick's Staycation (22.1)''==== '''Squidward''': Patrick, you dimwitted moron! Get out of my kitchen! '''Patrick''': Good idea. I think I'll head over to the spa. I could use a massage. '''Squidward''': (annoyed) Get this into your tiny, tiny, little, tiny brain: this is not a resort. It's my house. There is no spa. And you can't get... A MASSAGE! ====''Walking the Plankton (22.2)''==== ===Episode 23=== ====''Mooncation (23.1)''==== ====''Mr. Krabs Takes a Vacation (23.2)''==== ==''Ghoul Fools (Episode 24)''== ==Episode 24== ===''Mermaid Man Begins (XI.I)''=== :'''Mermaid Man''': ''[slaps forehead]'' The story. Yes. ''[a new flashback begins, very similar to the first one]'' I was a young, handsome muscular lad, soaking up the sun's rays on the beach, when suddenly I became drowsy. ''[Mermaid Man in the flashback falls asleep instantly]'' A wave came ashore and drew me back into the ocean! :'''Young Mermaid Man''': Help! ''[coughing]'' :'''Mermaid Man''': ''[narrating]'' Suddenly, I realized I was being sucked under by a violent whirlpool! I was running out of oxygen fast. ''[sinks to the bottom of the sea and gives up trying the struggle]'' But before I drowned, I was rescued by mermaids. ''[carried through the ocean by 2 mermaids]'' They took me to the ocean floor, where they gave me a magic sea star that allowed me to breathe underwater. ''[Mermaid Man in the past inhales and exhales deeply, then falls asleep, the present Mermaid Man falls asleep also]'' :'''Barnacle Boy''': Wake up, you old coot. :'''Mermaid Man''': ''[wakes up after being nudged by Barnacle Boy]'' Huh? :'''Barnacle Boy''': Finish the story. :'''SpongeBob''': ''[excitedly]'' Yeah, Mermaid Man. What about Barnacle Boy? :'''Patrick''': Yeah, how'd you 2 meet? :'''Mermaid Man''': ''[slapping his temples]'' Oh. Sorry, boys. There I was in the ocean, the only human who could breathe underwater. ''[flashback resumes] Alas, such a life got lonely real fast, I had no other humans to talk to. What was a man to do? Then my question was answered. [the bottom of a boat is seen in the flashback, then the port side of the boat is shown, where a very young Barnacle Boy is scraping barnacles off the wood. The captain of the boat appears]'' :'''Captain''': Hey, Barnacle Boy. Make sure you scrape the barnacles underneath, too. :'''Young Barnacle Boy''': Aye, aye. ''[takes a deep breath and lowers himself underwater to get the barnacles under the surface]'' :'''Young Mermaid Man''': A boy in trouble! I've got to act fast or he'll drown. ''[he swims to Barnacle Boy]'' Fear not, young man, I'll take care of this. :'''Mermaid Man''': ''[narrating once again]'' I used my new telekinetic powers to draw barnacles into Barnacle Boy's body, where they took the place of his lungs so he could breathe underwater, too. ''[Young Barnacle Boy inhales]'' It was at that moment when we decided to team up. :'''SpongeBob''': ''[the flashback has ended]'' Ohhh, so that's how you guys got together. :'''Barnacle Boy''': No, no, no. ''[shaking head and crossing arms]'' The reason I teamed up with this joker is because... I was ''stuck'' breathing underwater for the rest of my life. :'''Mermaid Man''': Oh... yeah. (''[to Barnacle Boy]'' Sorry about that.) :'''Barnacle Boy''': (No hard feelings.) ''[to SpongeBob and Patrick]'' Anyway, from that day forward, we became… :'''Johnny''': ...Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy, superhero crime fighters! :'''Young Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy''': ''[new flashback begins, an alarm is clanging while people are shouting]'' A crime in progress! ''[A bank robber laughs maniacally as he is stealing bags of cash from the First Nautical Bank]'' :'''Banker''': Stop, thief! :'''Young Barnacle Boy''': See if you think this is funny, evildoer. ''[He rapidly spits barnacles at the robber, knocking him down]'' Who's laughing now, thieving scum? :'''Banker''': ''[shaking Mermaid Man's hand]'' Thank you, sir and to whom do I owe this debt of gratitude? :'''Young Mermaid Man''': You can thank me, Mermaid Man. ''[Barnacle Boy's seen shaking in indignity in the background]'' :'''Man Ray''': ''[new flashback begins, Man Ray has the upper hand in a duel against Barnacle Boy. He laughs]'' You're mine! :'''Young Barnacle Boy''': ''[shoots web a web of cheese-like material that binds and gags Man Ray]'' How'd you like to taste my tentacle zapper, Man Ray? :'''Young Mermaid Man''': ''[dialing a pay phone]'' Hello? ''[indistinct response]'' So, what are you wearing? ''[indistinct response]'' Oh. In that case, can I get a large pepperoni pizza, extra cheese? Thanks. ''[Barnacle Boy slaps his head in disgust]'' <hr width=50%> :''[The origin special plays.]'' :'''Narrator''': The story of Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy all started here. :'''Tim''': Come on, Ernie! The movie's about to start... Where's the popcorn? :'''Ernie''': It's in the microwave, Tim. :'''Narrator''': At that very moment in the apartment directly above, a rogue scientist doing tests on radioactive ants knocks over a jar of his infected specimens, one of which, without any hesitation, crawls down one floor and miraculously lands undetected. It viciously bites our soon-to-be superhero. He screams in pain...! :'''Ernie''': Ahh! :'''Narrator''': ...Stumbling backwards! :'''Tim''': What on earth? :'''Narrator''': In a split-second, both men find themselves in a freefall that sends them squarely through the roof of a vats of acid factory, and into a vat of acid that is tipped over by an errant alien spaceship, carrying the 2 blindly on a wave of acid during a solar eclipse on a leap year (February 29), precariously careening onto a bomb-testing site, where a cataclysmic explosion exposes our heroes in waiting to highly toxic radium gases. Then, as fate would have it, magical storm clouds move in, zapping both men with a neon-plaid lightning bolt and raining radioactive ooze, which, through centrifugal and electromagnetic turbulence, causes a powerful earthquake deep in the jungle 2,000 miles away, consequently unearthing a magical crystal with wings that flies to Ernie and Tim's exact location, and powered by super gamma energy currents, pilots them to open skies until, not paying attention, the crystal clips the top of a billboard, flinging the two back to their apartment miraculously unharmed, when... :'''Ernie''': Hey, the popcorn's ready! :'''Johnny''': ...They proceed with movie night, and eat slightly overcooked popcorn. :'''Tim''': Mmmm... I think you overcooked this a little. :'''Johnny''': Suddenly, an amazing reaction to the overcooked popcorn hits them with a jolt of cosmic super energy, metamorphosing Ernie into an incredibly strong, seastar-wearing superhero and Tim into a slightly less strong, but also super sailor-looking guy. :'''Tim ''(Barnacle Boy)''''': I have the sudden and incredibly urge to breathe water instead of air. :'''Ernie ''(Mermaid Man)''''': As do I. :'''Narrator''': And that is how they became the superheroes we have come to know as... Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy - Defenders of the Deep! ===''Plankton's Good Eye (24.2)''=== :''[Plankton presses a button. A machine covers him then retracts. An eye appears on the side of Plankton's head.]'' :'''Plankton''': ''[eye appears]'' Success! ''[another eye grows]'' Uh oh, that ain't good. ''[even more eyes grow]'' No, no, no, no no no no no no no! I can see everyth- ''[an eye grows inside of him and pops out of his mouth]'' ==Episode 25== ===''Barnacle Face (25.1)''=== :'''SpongeBob''': Mr. Krabs, what is this thing? :'''Mr. Krabs''': Why, it's my old soap press! :'''SpongeBob''': Soap press? :'''Mr. Krabs''': That's right! All the soap Pearl and I use comes from this machine. And the best part is, it runs on 100% pure leftover Krabby Patties! :'''SpongeBob''': Leftover Krabby Patties? :'''Mr. Krabs''': ''[tosses a Krabby Patty into the machine]'' Their precious essences are harvested, and after a brief cooling process, tumble out this conveyor belt as fresh, wonderful bars of soap! ''[the new soap falls off the conveyor belt into a basket]'' Fresh and invigorating! Plus, it's absolutely free. :'''SpongeBob''': ''[picks up one of the soap bars and sniffs it]'' Ohhhh, that explains why it smells so familiar! I don't know about this, Mr. Krabs. If Pearl finds out that you... :'''Pearl''': ''[lividly]'' I've been using soap made out of '''Krabby Patties?!''' :'''Mr. Krabs''': Krabby Patty ''essence''. :'''Pearl''': That's ''grease''! :'''Mr. Krabs''': Well, if you want to split hairs, I suppose-- :'''Pearl''': ''[furiously]'' '''DADDY!''' ''[throws soap at her father]'' :'''Mr. Krabs''': ''[runs away in fear]'' Got to go, you kids have fun! ===''Pet Sitter Pat (25.2)''=== ==Episode 26== ===''House Sittin' for Sandy (26.1)''=== ===''Smoothe Jazz at Bikini Bottom (26.2)''=== ==Episode 27== ===''Bubble Troubles (27.1)''=== ===''The Way of the Sponge (27.2)''=== :'''Fuzzy Acorns''': Congratulations, Sandy. You've managed to put your opponent to sleep in under 1 minute. ''[lifts his finger, touches the wood, causing it to collapse, and waking Spongebob up]'' Too bad your opponent didn't put up a fight. I was prepared to give you the lowest of belts: a '''clear''' belt. But now I realized, you're unfit to wear a belt of any kind '''INCLUDING THE ONE THAT HOLDS UP YOUR PANTS!''' ''[snatches off Spongebob's belt, causing his pants to fall off]'' :'''Sandy''': Don't be disappointed, Spongebob. A belt isn't the most important thing in karate. :'''Spongebob''': ''[depressed]'' Easy for you to say, Sandy. Your pants aren't down around your ankles. :'''Fuzzy Acorns''': And I'm revoking '''your''' black belt. ''[snatches Sandy's black belt right off]'' :'''Sandy''': Hey. You can't do that. :'''Fuzzy Acorns''': Oh yes, I can, for wasting my time, bringing me this '''SORRY EXCUSE FOR A STUDENT!''' Stick to something you're good at, son. :'''Spongebob''': Yes, sensei. ''[walks out of Sandy's house, while also having trouble staying up]'' :'''Sandy''': That was pretty lowdown, Fuzzy. The way you humiliated my friend. :'''Fuzzy Acorns''': The sponge one will never earn his belt. :'''Sandy''': I know Spongebob will impress you if you give him one more chance. :'''Fuzzy Acorns''': Silence. No more chances. Sensei never gives two chances. If you really want to impress me, show me where I can get a decent meal around here. Lunchtime approaches. :'''Sandy''': That's it! ''[excited]'' I'll take him to the Krusty Krab and then, he might just find himself impressed by a certain sandwich maker. :'''Fuzzy Acorns''': Who are you talking to? ==Episode 28== ===''The Krabby Patty That Ate Bikini Bottom (28.1)''=== ===''Bubble Buddy Returns (28.2)''=== ==Episode 29== ===''Restraining SpongeBob (29.1)''=== ===''Fiasco! (29.2)''=== ==Episode 30== ===''Are You Happy Now? (30.1)''=== ===''Planet of the Jellyfish (30.2)''=== ==Episode 31== ===''Free Samples (31.1)''=== ===''Home Sweet Rubble (31.2)''=== ==Episode 32== ===''Karen 2.0 (32.1)''=== ===''InSPONGEiac (32.2)''=== ==Episode 33== ===''Face Freezeǃ (33.1)''=== ===''Glove World R.I.P. (33.2)''=== ==Episode 34== ===''Squiditis (34.1)''=== :'''SpongeBob''': ''[bursts into Mr. Krabs’ office]'' MR. KRABS!!! :'''Mr. Krabs''': Neptune's Knee-highs, lad! How many times do I have to remind you to knock?! :'''SpongeBob''': ''[knocking, emphasizing each syllable]'' MIS...TER...KRABS. ===''Demolition Doofus (34.2)''=== :'''Captain Lutefisk''': Welcome to the Bikini Bottom Demolition Derby! Allow me to introduce our contestants! [Camera switches to a giant, muscular purple in a shark-like boat] First off, bane to crossing guards everywhere: The Kruncher! [Crowd cheers for The Kruncher] And from the darkest depths of the briney blue: Diving Bell Dan! [Diving Bell Dan pounds his chest] And of course, you know and admire: Blow Torch! [Blow Torch breathes out fire] And the funniest driver of all: The Cackling Cruiser! (The Cackling Crusier laughs) Now with introductions out of the way...[Notices SpongeBob drive up between the Kruncher and Blow Torch]...Oh! I almost forgot! (Laughs) The Squish! :'''Captain Lutefisk''': Oh! Ooh! Le Squish turns it around with a rare face-tread maneuver! :'''Mrs. Puff''': Why... are you still... '''ALIVE?!'''?! :'''SpongeBob''': Put it in drive?! Thanks Mrs. Puff, You're the best! ==Episode 35== ===''Treats! (35.1)''=== :'''Factory Worker''': We're closed! Do I have to spell it out for you? C-S-L-O-S-Z-E-D. Cuh-losed! Not only that, but the very last box of Snail Bites shipped out days ago! They were such a hit they flew out of the stores and now, we've run out of ingredients! From what I hear, the owner even dropped out of the snail food business entirely! Yeah and why wouldn't he, huh? He's made his money! :'''SpongeBob''': You see, Gary? There are no more-- :'''Factory Worker''': I mean, it's not like I would do the same thing if I were in his shoes! :'''SpongeBob''': So, you see, Gary, there... :'''Factory Worker''': Why would anybody go out punishing themselves, just for the sake of the happiness of a few pets or... :'''SpongeBob''': Would you mind being quiet for one second, please! :'''Factory Worker''': Sorry. ===''For Here or to Go (35.2)''=== ==''[[w:It's a SpongeBob Christmas!|It's a SpongeBob Christmas! (Episode 36)]]''== :* This Christmas special is focused on SpongeBob and Plankton. <hr width=50%> <hr width=50%> :'''SpongeBob''': Hi, Squidward. What are you doing today? :'''Squidward''': Stringing lights so Santa knows, in no uncertain terms... ''[turns on lights reading "GO AWAY"]'' ...To "'''GO AWAY'''"! :'''SpongeBob''': Okayy... <hr width=50%> :'''SpongeBob''': Ooh, what's that? :'''Patrick''': It's a trap! A trap for Santa! :'''SpongeBob''': Ooh, baited with Christmas treats? :'''Patrick''': ''[singing, to the "Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy" tune] I will trap Santa in my box, locked up like Fort Knox and make him stop the clocks, and then we'll have Christmas all... year... looo-ooo-ong! [sees the cookie meant as bait]'' Hey, a cookie! ''[gets trapped by himself, anyway, as a result]'' <hr width=50%> <hr width=50%> <hr width=50%> :'''SpongeBob''': Ahoy, everybody! ''[clicks his fingers and mistletoe appears over the heads of the two fish he fed Plankton's fruitcake to, curing them of jerktonium poisoning. He clicks again and a pile of presents appears, curing two other fish. A little boy begins to play Christmas baubles like bells] [singing] Bring joy to the world, it's the thing to do, but the world does not revolve around you.<br />Don't be a jerk.<br />It's Christmas! [Throws a snowball at Mr Krabs and cures him]<br />Be nice to babies and animals.<br />Old folks, too.<br />'Cause that's how you'd like them to treat you!<br />Use turn signals.<br />Don't screen my calls.<br />Don't you wreck the house when you deck the halls.<br />Spit your gum where it won't wind up on my shoe.<br />Squeeze toothpaste from the bottom of the tube.<br />Don't be a jerk.<br />It's Christmas!'' It's Christmas! ''[hands a gift to Pearl, who continues to pass it down a line, curing people as they receive it, except for Squidward, who is unaffected]<br />When others are talking, never interrupt.<br />Don't put people down or leave the toilet seat up.<br />'Tis the season to be jolly, not jerky!'' :'''SpongeBob's Friends and Co.''': ''[in background chorus' voices] Jolly, not jerky!'' :'''SpongeBob''': ''Santa brought nearly every gift on your list.<br />Why whine about the 1 that he missed?<br />Don't be a jerk!'' :'''SpongeBob's Friends and Co.''': ''[in background chorus' voices] Don't be a jerk.'' :'''SpongeBob''': ''It's Christmas!'' It's Christmas!<br />''Don't be a jerk.'' :'''SpongeBob's Friends and Co.''': ''[in background chorus' voices] Don't be a jerk.'' :'''SpongeBob''': ''It's Christmas!'' It's Christmas! <hr width=50%> ==Episode 37== ===''Super Evil Aquatic Villain Team Up is Go! (XXIV.I)''=== ===''Chum Fricassee (37.2)''=== ==Episode 38== ===''The Good Krabby Name (38.1)''=== ===''Move It or Lose It (38.2)''=== ==''Hello Bikini Bottom! (Episode 39)''== :'''Squidward''': ''[to SpongeBob]'' The day I willingly practice my musical art with you is the day I grow hair on my... <hr width=50%> :'''Squidward''': This is our worst gig yet! Children's parties! Well, if this is the way this tour is being organized, then I would like to– '''''OOOOOOOOOOOOWWWW!!!''' [turns around and finds that a child has pinned a tail onto his behind]'' I am not a donkey fish! ==External links== {{Wikipedia|SpongeBob SquarePants (season 8)}} [[Category:SpongeBob SquarePants seasons]] [[Category:SpongeBob SquarePants]] pxww8nnecrrybrksydm8yd9fdpek50u 0 178391 3153104 3152674 2022-08-10T02:16:21Z 121.75.182.83 wikitext text/x-wiki ---- :'''Seasons:''' [[Pokémon/Season 1|1]] [[Pokémon/Season 2|2]] [[Pokémon/Season 3|3]] [[Pokémon/Season 4|4]] [[Pokémon/Season 5|5]] [[Pokémon/Season 6|6]] [[Pokémon/Season 7|7]] [[Pokémon/Season 8|8]] [[Pokémon/Season 9|9]] [[Pokémon/Season 10|10]] [[Pokémon/Season 11|11]] [[Pokémon/Season 12|12]] [[Pokémon/Season 13|13]] [[Pokémon/Season 14|14]] [[Pokémon/Season 15|15]] [[Pokémon/Season 16|16]] [[Pokémon/Season 17|17]] [[Pokemon/Season 18|18]] [[Pokémon/Season 19|19]] [[Pokémon/Season 20|20]] [[Pokémon/Season 21|21]] [[Pokémon/Season 22|22]] | [[Pokémon|Main]] ---- <br/> This is a list of episodes in Pokémon: Black and White Adventures in Unova, the sixteenth season of the Pokémon animated series == Beauties Battling for Pride and Prestige! == :'''Moira''': I innocently let my Cinccino out to become more beautiful by getting some fresh air, when your unattractive Emolga attacked it, putting it's beauty in jeopardy. The nerve of your unsaintly Pokémon! :'''Mona''': You tell them, my dear Moira! :'''Iris''': HOW DARE YOU?! :'''Moira''': And then there's your Snivy! It's unattractive on the outside and the inside! == A Surface to Air Tag Battle Team! == == A Village Homecoming! == == Drayden Versus Iris: Past, Present, and Future! == :'''Officer Jenny''': ''[over microphone]'' You are not allowed up there without proper authorization. Come down here at once! :'''Ash''': You could get hurt, Iris! :'''Officer Jenny''': Iris? Not her again! <hr width=50%/> :'''Officer Jenny''': How many times have I told you? Climbing that tower is dangerous! Listen, what would've happened if you'd fallen off? Are you listening to me?! :'''Iris''': Sure, I'm listening! :'''Officer Jenny''': Alright, don't ever do that again! '''''UNDERSTAND?!!!''''' :'''Ash, Iris & Cilan''': Yes... == Team Eevee and the Pokémon Rescue Squad! == == Curtain Up, Unova League! == :'''Virgil''': So, Ash, have you been to registration yet? :'''Ash''': Not yet. :'''Virgil''': Then why don't we go and register together? :'''Ash''': Sure! <hr width=50%> :''[Ash, Iris, Cilan, Bianca, Stephan and Virgil head to the Pokémon Center to register. Trip is also heading to the Pokémon Center to register as well]'' :'''Ash''': Hey, it's Trip! :'''Trip''': So, that means you've got eight gym badges too? :'''Ash''': You bet! == Mission: Defeat Your Rival! == == Lost at the League! == :''[Note: This is considered to be the worst Black and White episode as well as the worst League episode, because this is a filler episode being put in the middle of the Unova League arc.]'' :'''Ash''': I'm not holding back! Look out, I'm gonna win too. :'''Pikachu''': Pika-pika! [We'll be ready for you!] :'''Stephan''': Took the words right out of my mouth! And may the best trainer win! :'''Ash''': You bet! ''[Both Ash and Stephan do a fist bump]'' <hr width=50%/> :''[Pikachu informs Ash that Axew is missing]'' :'''Ash''': What's up, Pikachu? ''[Pikachu tells him that Iris' Axew is missing as he was chasing a red runaway balloon]'' Where did Axew go? :''[Iris checks her shoulder and sees Axew is not there]'' :'''Axew''': Axew-ew-ew! Axew-ew-ew! Axew-ew-ew! [Hey come back here! I want that red balloon! Please stop floating away!] == Strong Strategy Steals the Show! == == Cameron's Secret Weapon! == :'''Ash''': So that's what it is! Your secret weapon is Hydreigon! :'''Cameron''': Of course it is. That's why its my secret weapon! <hr width=50%> :''[Ash summons his Oshawott into battle against Cameron's Hydreigon...which is already a bad idea from the start. Hydreigon is fully evolved and part Dragon, thus it resists Water.]'' :'''Bianca''': Uhhh...is that a good idea? :'''Stephan''': It's hard to say. Maybe a strategy is to use Oshawott to chip away Hydreigon's stamina. :'''Bianca''': Are you saying Oshawott is Ash's throwaway Pokémon? :'''Cilan''': Hold on. Ash wouldn't do something like that. He's going to give it his all, of course. :'''Iris''': He wouldn't do anything else. :''[Note: Many fans claimed that Oshawott is a strong cute unevolved Pokémon that does not need to evolve at all. However, you can tell that Oshawott is the most laziest handled main protagonist owned Water-type Starter. It amounted to just recycling character traits from Dawn's Piplup and Ash's Totodile, without any attempt in evolving Oshawott whatsoever. Because of this, this was the reason why the writers were not allowed to mishandle anymore Water-type Starters.]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Cameron''': No Hydreigon! <hr width=50%> :'''Cameron''': When it comes to teammates Samurrott and I are numero uno. <hr width=50%> :'''Cameron''': Riolu are you alright? Hey whats going on? <hr width=50%> :'''Iris''': Riolu evolved into Lucario! == A Unova League Evolution! == :''[Note: The Unova League match where Cameron defeated Ash despite bringing five Pokémon into the full battle is universally seen as a sick joke.]'' :'''Freddy O'Martin''': Lucario scores! Snivy's been stopped in its tracks by Lucario's Aura Sphere! ''[Note: Snivy is exactly what fans think Turtwig should have been- a strong fast cute unevolved Grass starter that does not need to evolve to prove its worth (aka a lazy carbon copy of Bulbasaur). This loss in the league shows how fatal this concept is.]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Referee''': Pikachu is unable to battle. Lucario is the winner, which means Cameron wins the match! :'''Freddy O'Martin''': Lucario has wrapped this up with Aura Sphere, so Cameron wins this fierce battle and joins our top four trainers as they moved on to the semi-finals. :''[Note: There are also problems with Ash's team in this fight. Unfezant lost to a Riolu despite having a type-advantage and being fully evolved; Oshawott, Snivy, Boldore and Pignite are not fully evolved and were poorly handled because Ash caught way too many Unova Pokémon and the writers focused mostly on the cuteness and comedic traits of Ash's Unova team instead of character development; Cameron's Riolu evolved into a Lucario to defeat Ash's Pokémon, similar to what Ash did in previous Unova battles.]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Davy''': Take care, everyone! We'll see you all later! :'''Virgil''': And thanks, for everything! <hr width=50%> :'''Cameron''': See, we gotta step on it and do some training for the next competition. We'll catch you all later! Let's go, Lucario. Bye! <hr width=50%> :'''Bianca''': Gotta go! I do have to see my dad once in a while. Bye-bye! == New Places... Familiar Faces! == == The Name's N! == == There's a New Gym Leader in Town! == :''[Ash and Iris have recovered Pikachu and Axew from the control room]'' :'''Ash''': I'm so sorry for all this! :'''Iris''': Please forgive us! :''[Ash and Iris are very angry with Pikachu and Axew for causing trouble]'' :'''Ash''': NOW YOU APOLOGIZE, TOO! :'''Iris''': BOTH OF YOU! :'''Pikachu & Axew''': Pika-Pikachu, Axew-ew... [We're both very sorry...] :'''Cheren''': I see you feel bad, and you're forgiven. But still, don't ever do that again. OK? :'''Pikachu''': Pika. :'''Axew''': Axew. <hr width=50%> :'''Ash''': ''(putting away his Unova dex)'' Wow, he's using Herdier. I know who I want. :''[Immeadiately, Oshawott comes out of his Pokéball]'' :'''Oshawott''': Oshawott! [Ready to go!] :'''Ash''': Oshawott? :'''Oshawott''': Osha-Oshawott! [Yep, let me at 'em!] :'''Ash''': Do you want to battle? :'''Oshawott''': Osha! [Oh yes!] :'''Ash''': Awesome, then I choose you! ''[Note: It is obvious that the writers did not even think about evolving Oshawott after the Unova League as well. Who cares, right? As long as Oshawott is cuter than Dewott and Samurott, kids will automatically prefer it over the evolved counterparts. Besides, remember Torterra...]'' == Team Plasma's Pokémon Power Plot! == == The Light of Floccesy Ranch! == == Saving Braviary! == == The Pokémon Harbor Patrol! == :'''N''': Well, I don't approve the idea of recruiting Pokémon for dangerous rescue missions at all. :'''Halsey''': Oh, why? :'''N''': Pokémon have a magnificent world that's all their own. I wouldn't mind if Pokémon were rescuing other Pokémon. But I can't agree with rescuing people. Those Pokémon will never find happiness doing that. :'''Halsey''': Well, it's true that Pokémon have saved people's lives from time to time, but please remember people have saved Pokémon's lives as well. When it comes to rescue, there isn't any difference between people and Pokémon. :'''N''': I wonder about that. :'''Halsey''': What are you saying?! <hr width=50%> :'''Ash''': I can't leave! No way! :'''Halsey''': '''LOOK, ASH! DO AS I SAY!''' == The Fires of a Red-Hot Reunion! == :''[Ash has just contacted Professor Oak on the computer at the Pokemon Center and explains his request]'' :'''Professor Oak''': Sorry to keep you waiting, Ash. Charizard just arrived from Charicific Valley and I have Charizard's Poke-ball right here! :'''Ash''': Great! Thanks for all your help, Professor. :'''Pikachu''': Pika-Pika! :'''Professor Oak''': Which Pokemon are you going to exchange? :'''Ash''': I'm going to send Unfezant. :'''Professor Oak''': Good! Smart choice! Swellow and Staraptor will be thrilled with a new friend. Another Flying-type Pokemon will allow them to have battle races at super speed! :'''Ash''': Awesome! Sounds like a lot of fun! :'''Pikachu''': Pika! [Agreed!] :'''Professor Oak''': Let's begin the exchange! :'''Ash''': ''[places Unfezant's Poke-ball into the transporter]'' Unfezant, you're going to make new friends. ''[Seconds later, the exchange is made and Charizard's Poke-ball has arrived. As Ash picks it up, Professor Oak also receives Unfezant on his end as well.]'' I got it safe and sound! :'''Professor Oak''': Great and Unfezant is right here! <hr width=50%> :''[As soon as Charizard comes out of the Poke-ball, Charizard lets in a loud roar. Oh yeah, he's back everyone!]'' :'''Ash''': Charizard, it's so good to see you! :''[Pikachu greets his old friend back and hops onto Charizard's shoulder. Charizard gives the thumbs up signalling he's fine as well]'' :'''Cilan''': So that's Charizard. I've never seen one in person. :'''N''': I can just sense its incredibly rich history. <hr width=50%> :'''Cilan''': They say opposites attract, but I say likes attract too! :'''N''': I think you're exactly right. Those two are drawn to each other. <hr width=50%> :'''Iris''': It is a bit strange. I was sure that Dragon Rush would have done more. After all, Charizard is a Dragon-type Pokemon. :'''Ash''': Huh? :'''Cilan''': Huh? :'''Pikachu''': Pika? [Huh?] :'''Charizard''': Raw?! [You're joking, right?!] :'''Dragonite''': Gr? [Really?] :''[N snickers at this comment]'' :'''Iris''': Did I say something funny? :'''Ash''': The thing is Charizard isn't a Dragon-type. :'''Iris''': But I saw Charizard use Dragon Tail and flying around and everything! It sure looks like a Dragon-type to me! :'''Ash''': Look. ''[brings up his Unova Pokedex]'' :'''Unova Pokedex''': Charizard, the Flame Pokémon. Charizard is a Flying and Fire type. When competing in intense battles, Charizard's flame becomes more intense as well. :'''Iris''': NO! And here I was hoping to catch a Charizard and raise it too! ''[Axew laughs at her for that embarrassment]'' == Team Plasma's Pokémon Manipulation! == :'''Aldith''': N, Lord Ghetsis is looking for you! :'''N''': I don't care! Leave me alone! <hr width=50%> :'''Aldith''': What are you doing here? You have been ordered to present yourself to Lord Ghetsis. :'''N''': I'm through listening to any of you. NOW YOU TELL ME WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO THESE POKÉMON?!! == Secrets From Out of the Fog! == == Meowth, Colress and Team Rivalry! == == Ash and N: A Clash of Ideals! ! == == Team Plasma and the Awakening Ceremony! == == What Lies Beyond Truth and Ideals! == == Farewell, Unova! Setting Sail for New Adventures! == == Danger, Sweet as Honey! == == Cilan and the Case of the Purrloin Witness ! == == Crowning the Scalchop King! == == The Island of Illusions! == == To Catch a Rotom! == :''[Iris' Emolga uses Attract on the three Rotom]'' :'''Ash''': Yeah. Maybe using Attract can control those three. :''[Unfortunately, Attract does not work on the three Rotom! The three Rotom snicker at the fact that Attract did not work on them, much to Iris and Emolga's shock. Rotom is genderless, therefore it cannot be affected by Attract.]'' :'''Ash''': ...or not. :'''Cilan''': How can that be? Oh perhaps, those Rotom are female, huh? :'''Professor Oak''': I'm afraid Rotom are neither male nor female and that's the reason Attract had no effect on them. == The Pirates of Decolore! == == Butterfree and Me! == == The Path That Leads to Goodbye! == :'''Ash''': If Axew hadn't gotten in the way, I would've been able to catch that Dunsparce! :'''Iris''': WHAT, you're blaming Axew?! For your information, it was all your fault for starting a battle without making a plan FIRST! :'''Ash''': That's because it wouldn've gotten away by THEN! Uh-oh. <hr width=50%/> :'''Iris''': You're not just a little kid, ASH KETCHUM, you're a BIG BABY!!! :'''Ash''': What did you throw that at me for? :'''Iris''': YOU'RE A LITTLE KID!!! No wait, you're a '''HUGE BABY!!!!''' :'''Ash''': I wouldn't talk if I were you, YOU LOSE YOUR GRIP FOR NO REASON AT ALL! :'''Iris''': BAD BERRIES ARE a GOOD REASON!! :'''Cilan''': Now, let's all just calm down. :'''Ash and Iris''': WHY DON'T YOU BUTT OUT OF THIS?! :'''Iris''': I HAD JUST ABOUT ALL I CAN TAKE TRAVELING WITH YOU! '''I'M OUTTA HERE!''' :'''Ash''': THAT'S FINE WITH ME! <hr width=50%/> :'''Ash''': SHE SAID THAT WE'RE THROUGH! '''THAT'S THAT!!!''' == Searching for a Wish! == == Capacia Island UFO! == :'''James:''' Small group of people? We're a small group. :'''Jessie:''' Well if you mean us, why didn't it have any affect?! :'''Meowth:''' ''[still brainwashed by the Beheeyem]'' I'm afraid idiots are hard to hypnotize. :''[Ash, Pikachu, Jessie and James are stunned by the response]'' :'''Ash, Jessie and James:''' '''IDIOTS?!?! GRRRR....''' :''[The Beheeyem are scared and take back the insult]'' :'''Meowth:''' One second. What were we attempted to convey to all of you is that gifted people are hard to hypnotize. :'''Jessie:''' I see. So you're implying we're geniuses? :'''Meowth:''' Mmmm. Whatever you say. :'''James:''' ''[glad with the others]'' Now we're getting to the truth of the matter! :''[The Beheeyem sigh in relief, as does Meowth]'' :'''Ash:''' Glad we got that straight. == The Journalist from Another Region! == :'''Iris:''' Ash, stop it! You're scaring Helioptile! == Mystery on a Deserted Island! == == A Pokémon of a Different Color! == :''[As Alexa leaves for her work on her report, a familiar voice is heard and a figure is walking by. It's Clair, the Dragon-type Gym Leader from Blackthorn City, Johto.]'' :'''Clair''': Dragonite, where are you? Please come out here! :''[Both Ash and Pikachu are shocked and immediately recognize her]'' :'''Ash''': Is that you? Wow, Clair, it is you! :'''Clair''': I can't believe it, it's Ash! :'''Ash''': Right! That's so cool that you still remember me! :'''Clair''': Well, how could I forget? I owe you for stopping my Dragonite when it was on a tear using Outrage. ''[a flashback is shown of how Ash and Clair teamed up to stop the rampaging Dragonite]'' You really helped us get out of a jam, Pikachu. Thanks. == Celebrating the Hero's Comet! == == Go, Go Gogoat! == == Team Rocket's Shocking Recruit! == :'''Iris''': EMOLGA, didn't I tell you not to use Discharge on our friends? And you were supposed to look after Axew too! == Survival of the Striaton Gym! == :'''Ash''': It didn't have to attack Pansage for no reason! :'''Iris''': That's right! Pansage was trying to be nice and share! :'''Morana''': If you don't like it, I suggest you keep your Pokémon in its Poké Ball, children. == Best Wishes Until We Meet Again! == == The Dream Continues! == :'''Ash''': ''[As soon as Unfezant, Leavanny, Palpitoad, Boldore and Krookodile arrive, he sends out the remaining members of the Unova team]'' Come on out, gang! ''[Charizard, Pignite, Snivy, Scraggy and Oshawott appear and begin meet and greet with Pikachu and the rest of the Unova team.]'' Everyone, Unova was great. Thanks alot. ''[The crew responds with their version of "You're welcome!"]'' All of you battled hard in the Unova League. You're the best! ''[The crew responds postively, even though Charizard rejoined Ash after the Unova League]'' We may not have gotten first place but our journey together made us a whole lot stronger and that's what really counts. ''[Note: Most of the Unova Pokemon Ash had were not fully evolved or were too weak and they clearly need more work.]'' == External links== {{Wikipedia|List of Pokémon: Black and White: The adventures in Unova episodes}} [[Category:Japanese TV shows]] [[Category:Anime and manga series]] m5zkq0z2s0s0y3j62vhhlw6tpzubzzh 3153105 3153104 2022-08-10T02:16:42Z 121.75.182.83 /* The Pokémon Harbor Patrol! */ wikitext text/x-wiki ---- :'''Seasons:''' [[Pokémon/Season 1|1]] [[Pokémon/Season 2|2]] [[Pokémon/Season 3|3]] [[Pokémon/Season 4|4]] [[Pokémon/Season 5|5]] [[Pokémon/Season 6|6]] [[Pokémon/Season 7|7]] [[Pokémon/Season 8|8]] [[Pokémon/Season 9|9]] [[Pokémon/Season 10|10]] [[Pokémon/Season 11|11]] [[Pokémon/Season 12|12]] [[Pokémon/Season 13|13]] [[Pokémon/Season 14|14]] [[Pokémon/Season 15|15]] [[Pokémon/Season 16|16]] [[Pokémon/Season 17|17]] [[Pokemon/Season 18|18]] [[Pokémon/Season 19|19]] [[Pokémon/Season 20|20]] [[Pokémon/Season 21|21]] [[Pokémon/Season 22|22]] | [[Pokémon|Main]] ---- <br/> This is a list of episodes in Pokémon: Black and White Adventures in Unova, the sixteenth season of the Pokémon animated series == Beauties Battling for Pride and Prestige! == :'''Moira''': I innocently let my Cinccino out to become more beautiful by getting some fresh air, when your unattractive Emolga attacked it, putting it's beauty in jeopardy. The nerve of your unsaintly Pokémon! :'''Mona''': You tell them, my dear Moira! :'''Iris''': HOW DARE YOU?! :'''Moira''': And then there's your Snivy! It's unattractive on the outside and the inside! == A Surface to Air Tag Battle Team! == == A Village Homecoming! == == Drayden Versus Iris: Past, Present, and Future! == :'''Officer Jenny''': ''[over microphone]'' You are not allowed up there without proper authorization. Come down here at once! :'''Ash''': You could get hurt, Iris! :'''Officer Jenny''': Iris? Not her again! <hr width=50%/> :'''Officer Jenny''': How many times have I told you? Climbing that tower is dangerous! Listen, what would've happened if you'd fallen off? Are you listening to me?! :'''Iris''': Sure, I'm listening! :'''Officer Jenny''': Alright, don't ever do that again! '''''UNDERSTAND?!!!''''' :'''Ash, Iris & Cilan''': Yes... == Team Eevee and the Pokémon Rescue Squad! == == Curtain Up, Unova League! == :'''Virgil''': So, Ash, have you been to registration yet? :'''Ash''': Not yet. :'''Virgil''': Then why don't we go and register together? :'''Ash''': Sure! <hr width=50%> :''[Ash, Iris, Cilan, Bianca, Stephan and Virgil head to the Pokémon Center to register. Trip is also heading to the Pokémon Center to register as well]'' :'''Ash''': Hey, it's Trip! :'''Trip''': So, that means you've got eight gym badges too? :'''Ash''': You bet! == Mission: Defeat Your Rival! == == Lost at the League! == :''[Note: This is considered to be the worst Black and White episode as well as the worst League episode, because this is a filler episode being put in the middle of the Unova League arc.]'' :'''Ash''': I'm not holding back! Look out, I'm gonna win too. :'''Pikachu''': Pika-pika! [We'll be ready for you!] :'''Stephan''': Took the words right out of my mouth! And may the best trainer win! :'''Ash''': You bet! ''[Both Ash and Stephan do a fist bump]'' <hr width=50%/> :''[Pikachu informs Ash that Axew is missing]'' :'''Ash''': What's up, Pikachu? ''[Pikachu tells him that Iris' Axew is missing as he was chasing a red runaway balloon]'' Where did Axew go? :''[Iris checks her shoulder and sees Axew is not there]'' :'''Axew''': Axew-ew-ew! Axew-ew-ew! Axew-ew-ew! [Hey come back here! I want that red balloon! Please stop floating away!] == Strong Strategy Steals the Show! == == Cameron's Secret Weapon! == :'''Ash''': So that's what it is! Your secret weapon is Hydreigon! :'''Cameron''': Of course it is. That's why its my secret weapon! <hr width=50%> :''[Ash summons his Oshawott into battle against Cameron's Hydreigon...which is already a bad idea from the start. Hydreigon is fully evolved and part Dragon, thus it resists Water.]'' :'''Bianca''': Uhhh...is that a good idea? :'''Stephan''': It's hard to say. Maybe a strategy is to use Oshawott to chip away Hydreigon's stamina. :'''Bianca''': Are you saying Oshawott is Ash's throwaway Pokémon? :'''Cilan''': Hold on. Ash wouldn't do something like that. He's going to give it his all, of course. :'''Iris''': He wouldn't do anything else. :''[Note: Many fans claimed that Oshawott is a strong cute unevolved Pokémon that does not need to evolve at all. However, you can tell that Oshawott is the most laziest handled main protagonist owned Water-type Starter. It amounted to just recycling character traits from Dawn's Piplup and Ash's Totodile, without any attempt in evolving Oshawott whatsoever. Because of this, this was the reason why the writers were not allowed to mishandle anymore Water-type Starters.]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Cameron''': No Hydreigon! <hr width=50%> :'''Cameron''': When it comes to teammates Samurrott and I are numero uno. <hr width=50%> :'''Cameron''': Riolu are you alright? Hey whats going on? <hr width=50%> :'''Iris''': Riolu evolved into Lucario! == A Unova League Evolution! == :''[Note: The Unova League match where Cameron defeated Ash despite bringing five Pokémon into the full battle is universally seen as a sick joke.]'' :'''Freddy O'Martin''': Lucario scores! Snivy's been stopped in its tracks by Lucario's Aura Sphere! ''[Note: Snivy is exactly what fans think Turtwig should have been- a strong fast cute unevolved Grass starter that does not need to evolve to prove its worth (aka a lazy carbon copy of Bulbasaur). This loss in the league shows how fatal this concept is.]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Referee''': Pikachu is unable to battle. Lucario is the winner, which means Cameron wins the match! :'''Freddy O'Martin''': Lucario has wrapped this up with Aura Sphere, so Cameron wins this fierce battle and joins our top four trainers as they moved on to the semi-finals. :''[Note: There are also problems with Ash's team in this fight. Unfezant lost to a Riolu despite having a type-advantage and being fully evolved; Oshawott, Snivy, Boldore and Pignite are not fully evolved and were poorly handled because Ash caught way too many Unova Pokémon and the writers focused mostly on the cuteness and comedic traits of Ash's Unova team instead of character development; Cameron's Riolu evolved into a Lucario to defeat Ash's Pokémon, similar to what Ash did in previous Unova battles.]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Davy''': Take care, everyone! We'll see you all later! :'''Virgil''': And thanks, for everything! <hr width=50%> :'''Cameron''': See, we gotta step on it and do some training for the next competition. We'll catch you all later! Let's go, Lucario. Bye! <hr width=50%> :'''Bianca''': Gotta go! I do have to see my dad once in a while. Bye-bye! == New Places... Familiar Faces! == == The Name's N! == == There's a New Gym Leader in Town! == :''[Ash and Iris have recovered Pikachu and Axew from the control room]'' :'''Ash''': I'm so sorry for all this! :'''Iris''': Please forgive us! :''[Ash and Iris are very angry with Pikachu and Axew for causing trouble]'' :'''Ash''': NOW YOU APOLOGIZE, TOO! :'''Iris''': BOTH OF YOU! :'''Pikachu & Axew''': Pika-Pikachu, Axew-ew... [We're both very sorry...] :'''Cheren''': I see you feel bad, and you're forgiven. But still, don't ever do that again. OK? :'''Pikachu''': Pika. :'''Axew''': Axew. <hr width=50%> :'''Ash''': ''(putting away his Unova dex)'' Wow, he's using Herdier. I know who I want. :''[Immeadiately, Oshawott comes out of his Pokéball]'' :'''Oshawott''': Oshawott! [Ready to go!] :'''Ash''': Oshawott? :'''Oshawott''': Osha-Oshawott! [Yep, let me at 'em!] :'''Ash''': Do you want to battle? :'''Oshawott''': Osha! [Oh yes!] :'''Ash''': Awesome, then I choose you! ''[Note: It is obvious that the writers did not even think about evolving Oshawott after the Unova League as well. Who cares, right? As long as Oshawott is cuter than Dewott and Samurott, kids will automatically prefer it over the evolved counterparts. Besides, remember Torterra...]'' == Team Plasma's Pokémon Power Plot! == == The Light of Floccesy Ranch! == == Saving Braviary! == == The Pokémon Harbor Patrol! == :'''N''': Well, I don't approve the idea of recruiting Pokémon for dangerous rescue missions at all. :'''Halsey''': Oh, why? :'''N''': Pokémon have a magnificent world that's all their own. I wouldn't mind if Pokémon were rescuing other Pokémon. But I can't agree with rescuing people. Those Pokémon will never find happiness doing that. :'''Halsey''': Well, it's true that Pokémon have saved people's lives from time to time, but please remember people have saved Pokémon's lives as well. When it comes to rescue, there isn't any difference between people and Pokémon. :'''N''': I wonder about that. :'''Halsey''': What are you saying?! <hr width=50%> :'''Ash''': I can't leave! No way! :'''Halsey''': '''LOOK, ASH! DO AS I SAY!''' == The Fires of a Red-Hot Reunion! == :''[Ash has just contacted Professor Oak on the computer at the Pokemon Center and explains his request]'' :'''Professor Oak''': Sorry to keep you waiting, Ash. Charizard just arrived from Charicific Valley and I have Charizard's Poke-ball right here! :'''Ash''': Great! Thanks for all your help, Professor. :'''Pikachu''': Pika-Pika! :'''Professor Oak''': Which Pokemon are you going to exchange? :'''Ash''': I'm going to send Unfezant. :'''Professor Oak''': Good! Smart choice! Swellow and Staraptor will be thrilled with a new friend. Another Flying-type Pokemon will allow them to have battle races at super speed! :'''Ash''': Awesome! Sounds like a lot of fun! :'''Pikachu''': Pika! [Agreed!] :'''Professor Oak''': Let's begin the exchange! :'''Ash''': ''[places Unfezant's Poke-ball into the transporter]'' Unfezant, you're going to make new friends. ''[Seconds later, the exchange is made and Charizard's Poke-ball has arrived. As Ash picks it up, Professor Oak also receives Unfezant on his end as well.]'' I got it safe and sound! :'''Professor Oak''': Great and Unfezant is right here! <hr width=50%> :''[As soon as Charizard comes out of the Poke-ball, Charizard lets in a loud roar. Oh yeah, he's back everyone!]'' :'''Ash''': Charizard, it's so good to see you! :''[Pikachu greets his old friend back and hops onto Charizard's shoulder. Charizard gives the thumbs up signalling he's fine as well]'' :'''Cilan''': So that's Charizard. I've never seen one in person. :'''N''': I can just sense its incredibly rich history. <hr width=50%> :'''Cilan''': They say opposites attract, but I say likes attract too! :'''N''': I think you're exactly right. Those two are drawn to each other. <hr width=50%> :'''Iris''': It is a bit strange. I was sure that Dragon Rush would have done more. After all, Charizard is a Dragon-type Pokemon. :'''Ash''': Huh? :'''Cilan''': Huh? :'''Pikachu''': Pika? [Huh?] :'''Charizard''': Raw?! [You're joking, right?!] :'''Dragonite''': Gr? [Really?] :''[N snickers at this comment]'' :'''Iris''': Did I say something funny? :'''Ash''': The thing is Charizard isn't a Dragon-type. :'''Iris''': But I saw Charizard use Dragon Tail and flying around and everything! It sure looks like a Dragon-type to me! :'''Ash''': Look. ''[brings up his Unova Pokedex]'' :'''Unova Pokedex''': Charizard, the Flame Pokémon. Charizard is a Flying and Fire type. When competing in intense battles, Charizard's flame becomes more intense as well. :'''Iris''': NO! And here I was hoping to catch a Charizard and raise it too! ''[Axew laughs at her for that embarrassment]'' == Team Plasma's Pokémon Manipulation! == :'''Aldith''': N, Lord Ghetsis is looking for you! :'''N''': I don't care! Leave me alone! <hr width=50%> :'''Aldith''': What are you doing here? You have been ordered to present yourself to Lord Ghetsis. :'''N''': I'm through listening to any of you. NOW YOU TELL ME WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO THESE POKÉMON?!! == Secrets From Out of the Fog! == == Meowth, Colress and Team Rivalry! == == Ash and N: A Clash of Ideals! ! == == Team Plasma and the Awakening Ceremony! == == What Lies Beyond Truth and Ideals! == == Farewell, Unova! Setting Sail for New Adventures! == == Danger, Sweet as Honey! == == Cilan and the Case of the Purrloin Witness ! == == Crowning the Scalchop King! == == The Island of Illusions! == == To Catch a Rotom! == :''[Iris' Emolga uses Attract on the three Rotom]'' :'''Ash''': Yeah. Maybe using Attract can control those three. :''[Unfortunately, Attract does not work on the three Rotom! The three Rotom snicker at the fact that Attract did not work on them, much to Iris and Emolga's shock. Rotom is genderless, therefore it cannot be affected by Attract.]'' :'''Ash''': ...or not. :'''Cilan''': How can that be? Oh perhaps, those Rotom are female, huh? :'''Professor Oak''': I'm afraid Rotom are neither male nor female and that's the reason Attract had no effect on them. == The Pirates of Decolore! == == Butterfree and Me! == == The Path That Leads to Goodbye! == :'''Ash''': If Axew hadn't gotten in the way, I would've been able to catch that Dunsparce! :'''Iris''': WHAT, you're blaming Axew?! For your information, it was all your fault for starting a battle without making a plan FIRST! :'''Ash''': That's because it wouldn've gotten away by THEN! Uh-oh. <hr width=50%/> :'''Iris''': You're not just a little kid, ASH KETCHUM, you're a BIG BABY!!! :'''Ash''': What did you throw that at me for? :'''Iris''': YOU'RE A LITTLE KID!!! No wait, you're a '''HUGE BABY!!!!''' :'''Ash''': I wouldn't talk if I were you, YOU LOSE YOUR GRIP FOR NO REASON AT ALL! :'''Iris''': BAD BERRIES ARE a GOOD REASON!! :'''Cilan''': Now, let's all just calm down. :'''Ash and Iris''': WHY DON'T YOU BUTT OUT OF THIS?! :'''Iris''': I HAD JUST ABOUT ALL I CAN TAKE TRAVELING WITH YOU! '''I'M OUTTA HERE!''' :'''Ash''': THAT'S FINE WITH ME! <hr width=50%/> :'''Ash''': SHE SAID THAT WE'RE THROUGH! '''THAT'S THAT!!!''' == Searching for a Wish! == == Capacia Island UFO! == :'''James:''' Small group of people? We're a small group. :'''Jessie:''' Well if you mean us, why didn't it have any affect?! :'''Meowth:''' ''[still brainwashed by the Beheeyem]'' I'm afraid idiots are hard to hypnotize. :''[Ash, Pikachu, Jessie and James are stunned by the response]'' :'''Ash, Jessie and James:''' '''IDIOTS?!?! GRRRR....''' :''[The Beheeyem are scared and take back the insult]'' :'''Meowth:''' One second. What were we attempted to convey to all of you is that gifted people are hard to hypnotize. :'''Jessie:''' I see. So you're implying we're geniuses? :'''Meowth:''' Mmmm. Whatever you say. :'''James:''' ''[glad with the others]'' Now we're getting to the truth of the matter! :''[The Beheeyem sigh in relief, as does Meowth]'' :'''Ash:''' Glad we got that straight. == The Journalist from Another Region! == :'''Iris:''' Ash, stop it! You're scaring Helioptile! == Mystery on a Deserted Island! == == A Pokémon of a Different Color! == :''[As Alexa leaves for her work on her report, a familiar voice is heard and a figure is walking by. It's Clair, the Dragon-type Gym Leader from Blackthorn City, Johto.]'' :'''Clair''': Dragonite, where are you? Please come out here! :''[Both Ash and Pikachu are shocked and immediately recognize her]'' :'''Ash''': Is that you? Wow, Clair, it is you! :'''Clair''': I can't believe it, it's Ash! :'''Ash''': Right! That's so cool that you still remember me! :'''Clair''': Well, how could I forget? I owe you for stopping my Dragonite when it was on a tear using Outrage. ''[a flashback is shown of how Ash and Clair teamed up to stop the rampaging Dragonite]'' You really helped us get out of a jam, Pikachu. Thanks. == Celebrating the Hero's Comet! == == Go, Go Gogoat! == == Team Rocket's Shocking Recruit! == :'''Iris''': EMOLGA, didn't I tell you not to use Discharge on our friends? And you were supposed to look after Axew too! == Survival of the Striaton Gym! == :'''Ash''': It didn't have to attack Pansage for no reason! :'''Iris''': That's right! Pansage was trying to be nice and share! :'''Morana''': If you don't like it, I suggest you keep your Pokémon in its Poké Ball, children. == Best Wishes Until We Meet Again! == == The Dream Continues! == :'''Ash''': ''[As soon as Unfezant, Leavanny, Palpitoad, Boldore and Krookodile arrive, he sends out the remaining members of the Unova team]'' Come on out, gang! ''[Charizard, Pignite, Snivy, Scraggy and Oshawott appear and begin meet and greet with Pikachu and the rest of the Unova team.]'' Everyone, Unova was great. Thanks alot. ''[The crew responds with their version of "You're welcome!"]'' All of you battled hard in the Unova League. You're the best! ''[The crew responds postively, even though Charizard rejoined Ash after the Unova League]'' We may not have gotten first place but our journey together made us a whole lot stronger and that's what really counts. ''[Note: Most of the Unova Pokemon Ash had were not fully evolved or were too weak and they clearly need more work.]'' == External links== {{Wikipedia|List of Pokémon: Black and White: The adventures in Unova episodes}} [[Category:Japanese TV shows]] [[Category:Anime and manga series]] ar8f6mcinroa4i8g83dr57uc0iruel9 0 178725 3153086 3152048 2022-08-10T01:51:23Z 2603:8000:F201:6AC3:8943:EB14:884D:2E54 /* Pilot */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} ---- :'''Seasons:''' [[Drake & Josh/Season 1|1]] [[Drake & Josh/Season 2|2]] [[Drake & Josh/Season 3|3]] [[Drake & Josh/Season 4|4]] | [[Drake & Josh|Main]] ---- '''''[[w:Drake & Josh|Drake & Josh]]''''' is an American television sitcom created by Dan Schneider for Nickelodeon. The series follows the lives of two teenage boys with opposite personalities, Drake Parker (Drake Bell) and Josh Nichols (Josh Peck), who are stepbrothers. ===Pilot=== :''[first opening comments, introducing Drake Parker and Josh Nichols]'' :'''Drake''': ''[first lines]'' My name's Drake Parker. :'''Josh''': I'm Josh Nichols. :'''Drake''': I should probably be doing my homework. :'''Josh''': I'm just doing a little homework here. :'''Drake''': But it's more fun to do this. ''[plays his guitar]'' :'''Drake and Josh''': Man, I'm thirsty. ''[both take their drinks]'' :'''Drake''': I live here with my mom and my little sister, Megan. :'''Josh''': I've got a great family, even though it's just me and my dad. I love that guy. :'''Drake''': I love girls. ''[drinks]'' So my mom's been dating this guy. :'''Josh''': So my dad's been dating this woman. She's really great. :'''Drake''': He's okay, but he's got this kid that goes to my school. :'''Josh''': She has a son that goes to my school. Drake. :'''Drake''': Josh. It's not that I have anything against Josh. :'''Josh''': I really don't know Drake all that well. :'''Drake and Josh''': But he seems kinda… :'''Josh''':...Okay. :'''Drake''':...Unusual. :''[the scene cuts to the living room where Drake shudders as he sees Audrey and Walter making out and he blows a whistle, making them scream]'' :'''Audrey''': Drake! :'''Drake''': Hey, mom. Mr. Nichols. :''[Josh bursts into the living room while brandishing a mop]'' :'''Josh''': What happened?! I heard screaming! :'''Walter''': It's alright, son, there's nothing to mop here. :'''Drake''': Josh, wh-what are you doing here, what's he doing here? :'''Josh''': Tell him. :'''Audrey''': Wait, uh, Drake, quick, get your sister. :'''Drake''': ''[yelling]'' Megan! :'''Megan''': ''[referring to her parents; disgusted]'' Ugh, are they done sucking face yet? :'''Audrey''': Kids, Josh's dad and I have been going out for a long time now, and we have some news! :'''Drake''': You got me a dirt bike? :'''Audrey''': No. ''[she and Walter exchange looks]'' :'''Audrey and Walter''': WE'RE GETTING MARRIED! ''[Drake acts like he is having a heart attack in disbelief and shock]'' :'''Drake''': You're getting m-m-m...? :'''Walter''': Yeah, we're gonna be one big old, happy family! :'''Drake''': Wait, wait, you mean, he's going to be my- my stepfather? ''[Walter chuckles and nods as Drake points at Josh]'' And you! ''[Josh nods, smiling]'' You're gonna be my-? H-He's gonna be my...? :'''Josh''': Hug me, brotha'! ''[he hugs Drake, lifting him a bit while Drake screams in dismay]'' <hr width=50%/> :''[the door knocks]'' :'''Tiffany''': Who's that? :'''Josh''': I don't know. ''[door knocks louder]'' Alright, alright, I'm coming. ''[he walks over to open the door and Buck barges the door open on Josh]'' :'''Tiffany''': Buck! :'''Buck''': ''[he grabs Josh by his shirt]'' So, it's true! :'''Josh''': What? That I have a concussion? :'''Buck''': I turn my back for 5 minutes, and you're on a date with... with this clown?! :'''Josh''': Trouble, breathing! :'''Tiffany''': Look, I can date whoever I want. :'''Buck''': Yeah? Well, you can't date a guy with no HEAD! ''[Josh cries]'' You're hamburger meat. You understand me? :'''Josh''': ''[crying]'' But I'm a vegetarian! :'''Buck''': Monday, 3:00, you and me. Have an ambulance ready. ''[shoves Josh against the wall, then leaves]'' :'''Tiffany''': That was so romantic! :'''Drake''': ''[comes out of the kitchen]'' And dessert is here. Josh, I thought you had to pee. :'''Josh''': ''[looks down at his pants]'' Done. <hr width=50%> :'''Josh''': May I? :'''Drake''': Hug me, brotha! ===Dune Buggy=== :'''Trevor''': I just came to see how the dune buggy's coming. It's looking good. <hr width=50%/> :'''Josh''': You, uh, wanted to chat? :'''Drake''': Why did you make him attack me? :'''Josh''': 'Cause it's about time you stopped getting away with everything! :'''Drake''': What's that supposed to- :'''Josh''': You threw the pillows! You talked me into lying about the TV! You got me grounded! And you took our dune buggy out when you weren't supposed to, and you wrecked it! :'''Drake''': What-what-what're you talking about? :'''Josh''': I got a call from the emergency room! You left your wallet there. :'''Drake''': ''[looks awkwardly]'' Oh. :'''Josh''': Yeah. And I saw the buggy. :'''Drake''': Do mom and dad know? :'''Josh''': They're gonna! :'''Drake''': Don't you do that to me! :'''Josh''': Fine! You tell them. :'''Drake''': Are you crazy? :'''Josh''': No, I'm honest! :'''Drake''': What? :'''Josh''': I'm grounded for two weeks! :'''Drake''': Josh, you know what-? :'''Josh''': We spent like 100 hours on that dune buggy trying to fix it up, and you ruined it! And you're hurt. But all you can think about is, getting away with it. ''[mockingly]'' "Ooh, I'm Drake! I'm so cool, I get away with everything!" Fine. I'll just stay grounded and I'll fix the dune buggy, again, and you just keep worrying about yourself. ''[beat]'' It's what you're best at. :'''Drake''': Oh, yeah?! Well, you're not so-! Ow. <hr width="50%"/> :''[racked with guilt, Drake confesses to Walter and Audrey, and they ground Drake for two weeks, much to Josh's delight]'' :'''Josh''': Pizza's here. :'''Drake''': Thanks. ''[he takes it and opens it up while Josh smiles]'' What are you smiling about? :'''Josh''': The great Drake, grounded for two weeks. I love it! :'''Drake''': Yeah, me, too. :'''Josh''': Heh? :'''Drake''': Two weeks, laying in bed, no school, playing a little guitar, watching a little TV, you bringing me pizzas. Yeah, being grounded is ba-a-ad. :'''Josh''': I- I don't understand-! :'''Drake''': Hold that thought. ''[through his walkie-talkie]'' Hey, Dad, could you bring me a root beer, a couple magazines, and, in about 20 minutes maybe some ice cream? :'''Walter''': ''[through his walkie-talkie]'' Yeah. I'll get Josh right on it. Jo-osh! :'''Josh''': Aw, come on! ===Believe Me, Brother=== :'''Susan''': Josh, it's not unintentional at all. :'''Josh''': I knew it! ''[Susan grabs his face and kisses him; Drake walks in the house]'' :'''Drake''': Susan? :'''Susan''': Ew! Josh, what are you trying to do? I'm Drake's girlfriend! Oh, Drake, you're here. :'''Josh''': Drake, it's not what you think. Just one second. ''[turns around]'' Oh, dear Lord, thank you so much for my very first kiss! Amen! Drake, I swear. It's not what you think. <hr width='50%'/> :'''Susan''': Drake! That's- That's not what it looks like! <hr width="50%"/> :''[after Susan dumps both of them]'' :'''Josh''': I think we handled that very maturely. :'''Drake''': Yes, that felt good. :''[Susan gets shot with a paint cannon on her from her locker]'' :'''Susan''': Ugh! :'''Drake''': That felt better. :'''Josh''': Yeah, it did. ===Two Idiots and a Baby=== :'''Drake''': There! There, there, he's done. Now, all we need is a dia- ''[all screams in disgust as Max pees on them]'' <hr width=50%/> :''[Josh is sanding his Catapult while Drake is trying to work on a song]'' :'''Drake''': Josh! I'm working on a song here. Do you have to make all that noise? ''[he unplugs the Sander]'' Dude, I can't concentrate. :'''Josh''': ''[shouting]'' I can't hear you! I'm wearing earplugs! :'''Drake''': Oh. ''[Drake rips the earplugs from Josh's ears, and Josh screams in pain]'' Dude, can't you build your mechanic dork machine somewhere else? :'''Josh''': It's not a dork machine. It's a one a scaled working replica of a Medieval Catapult. :'''Drake''': So? :'''Josh''': ''So,'' when I'm done, this baby's gonna be able to fling stuff over 50 feet through the air. ''[he launches the Catapult]'' :'''Drake''': Impressive. Oh, hey, hey. Why don't you climb in and fling yourself out of my room? :'''Josh''': This is my room. :'''Drake''': It was my room first. :'''Josh''': Alright, let's compromise. We could- ''[Drake strums his guitar a first time]'' I was going to say- ''[Drake strums a second time]'' But I just wanted- ''[Drake strums a third time]'' Headaches! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Drake comes home from his concert and finds Megan looking at a box in the garage]'' :'''Drake''': Alright. Where is he? :'''Megan''': I think he's dangling from the gutter. :'''Drake''': Not Josh. The baby. :'''Megan''': What makes you think that I would have the baby? :'''Drake''': Because you're a devious, twisted little girl. :'''Megan''': ''[laughs]'' Why thank you, Drake. :'''Drake''': ''[picks Megan up by her shirt]'' Where is the baby? ===First Crush=== :'''Drake and Josh''': And the most important thing is to be yourself. :'''Drake''': ...Unless you're Josh. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Drake''': Do you want to be honest, or do you want a girlfriend? :'''Josh''': Girlfriend, please. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Drake''': Ah! Snake! ===Grammy=== :'''Scotty''': Can you believe it? We made it backstage. :'''Rina''': This is not backstage! :'''Paul''': This is practically jail. :'''Drake''': Those guys are cops. :'''Rina''': Yes! Scary cops who are going to arrest us for having fake tickets, Scotty! :'''Scotty''': Guys, the tickets are not fake. :'''Drake''': Are you sure? :'''Scotty''': I photocopied them myself. ''[everyone looks upset]'' What? :'''Drake''': You can't photocopy tickets! :'''Scotty''': Yes, you can! You just put them on the glass, close the liddy thingy and press copy. Any moron could do it. :'''Drake''': No, not just any moron. It takes a special moron, like you! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Grammy''': Your butt itches? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Josh''': Why are you so mean to Drake? :'''Grammy''': Because I know his type. I dated 12 musicians like him before I dated your gramps. :'''Josh''': I don't think I want to know about you dating a dozen musical men. :'''Grammy''': Then I won't tell you what happened last Saturday night. :'''Josh''': ''[jokingly]'' Uh-oh, am I going to see you on a commercial for "Grammys Gone Wild?" ==External links== {{wikipedia|Drake & Josh}} [[Category:Children's television seasons]] [[Category:Drake & Josh seasons]] nmgksf7i0atmjkq67rjtis3kpeya22w 0 181991 3152912 3057078 2022-08-09T13:00:22Z 210.3.199.82 Undo revision 3057078 by [[Special:Contributions/Stang|Stang]] ([[User talk:Stang|talk]]) wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Arthur Li Kwok-cheung.jpg|thumb|Arthur Li]] '''[[:w:Arthur Li|Arthur Li Kwok-cheung]]''' GBS, JP (born 27 June 1945 in Hong Kong), grandson of the co-founder of the [[:w:Bank of East Asia|Bank of East Asia]], Li Koon-chun, and brother of its current chairman, [[:w:David Li|David Li]] is a member of the [[:w:Executive Council of Hong Kong|Executive Council of Hong Kong]] and was [[:w:Secretary for Education and Manpower|Secretary for Education and Manpower]] from August 2002 to June 2007. In March 2015, Li was appointed to the Council of the [[:w: University of Hong Kong |University of Hong Kong]] by HK Chief Executive [[Leung Chun-ying]]. ==Quotes== On [[:w:Johannes Chan|Johannes Chan]] being nominated to pro vice chancellor of the University of Hong Kong: *The dean, the vice chancellor illuminated, in those old days was elected by the faculty. So all you have to do is to be a nice guy to everyone. And I think Johannes Chan is a very nice guy. And at this point I like to declare my interest, because of one of the referees is my cousin ([[:w:Andrew Li|Andrew Li Kwok-nang]]). My cousin said he is a very, very nice guy... My main worry on the academic side is that he has no higher degree of PhD or MD or LLD. You may say in law it is not necessary. Well, if it is not necessary, why is there such a degree in the first place? ** {{cite web|url=http://www.ejinsight.com/20151028-leaked-recording-arthur-li-speaks-against-johannes-chan/|title=Leaked recording: Arthur Li speaks against Johannes Chan|work=EJ Insight|archiveurl= http://www.webcitation.org/6cfxbjx4k|archivedate=30 October 2015}} *And if you look at other referee professors, they all have LLDs. Therefore, either he hasn’t tried or he is too busy or he doesn’t think it’s important. But if that’s the case, he will be devaluating [''sic''] … maybe of the lecturers or professors who have got PhDs who have gone through the rigors of academic pursuits. Now can you … can someone be in charge of the promotion of other persons who actually has not gone through same rigors as that other person and give an honest, independent, objective view? ** {{cite web|url=http://www.ejinsight.com/20151028-leaked-recording-arthur-li-speaks-against-johannes-chan/|title=Leaked recording: Arthur Li speaks against Johannes Chan|work=EJ Insight|archiveurl= http://www.webcitation.org/6cfxbjx4k|archivedate=30 October 2015}} *in the mainland, a university has a party committee secretary (黨委書記). Do they want a party committee secretary at HKU? Is he a party committee secretary? They want to put him here as party committee secretary. ** {{cite web|url=http://www.ejinsight.com/20151028-leaked-recording-arthur-li-speaks-against-johannes-chan/|title=Leaked recording: Arthur Li speaks against Johannes Chan|work=EJ Insight|archiveurl= http://www.webcitation.org/6cfxbjx4k|archivedate=30 October 2015}} == External links== {{Wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Li, Arthur}} [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Academics]] [[Category:Educators]] sito4ahlj5l9rv9hpwh65yfbep4esu5 3152914 3152912 2022-08-09T13:05:16Z Stang 2112150 Reverted edit by [[User:210.3.199.82|210.3.199.82]] ([[User talk:210.3.199.82|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/210.3.199.82|contributions]]) to last version by Stang wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[:w:Arthur Li|Arthur Li Kwok-cheung]]''' GBS, JP (born 27 June 1945 in Hong Kong), grandson of the co-founder of the [[:w:Bank of East Asia|Bank of East Asia]], Li Koon-chun, and brother of its current chairman, [[:w:David Li|David Li]] is a member of the [[:w:Executive Council of Hong Kong|Executive Council of Hong Kong]] and was [[:w:Secretary for Education and Manpower|Secretary for Education and Manpower]] from August 2002 to June 2007. In March 2015, Li was appointed to the Council of the [[:w: University of Hong Kong |University of Hong Kong]] by HK Chief Executive [[Leung Chun-ying]]. ==Quotes== On [[:w:Johannes Chan|Johannes Chan]] being nominated to pro vice chancellor of the University of Hong Kong: *The dean, the vice chancellor illuminated, in those old days was elected by the faculty. So all you have to do is to be a nice guy to everyone. And I think Johannes Chan is a very nice guy. And at this point I like to declare my interest, because of one of the referees is my cousin ([[:w:Andrew Li|Andrew Li Kwok-nang]]). My cousin said he is a very, very nice guy... My main worry on the academic side is that he has no higher degree of PhD or MD or LLD. You may say in law it is not necessary. Well, if it is not necessary, why is there such a degree in the first place? ** {{cite web|url=http://www.ejinsight.com/20151028-leaked-recording-arthur-li-speaks-against-johannes-chan/|title=Leaked recording: Arthur Li speaks against Johannes Chan|work=EJ Insight|archiveurl= http://www.webcitation.org/6cfxbjx4k|archivedate=30 October 2015}} *And if you look at other referee professors, they all have LLDs. Therefore, either he hasn’t tried or he is too busy or he doesn’t think it’s important. But if that’s the case, he will be devaluating [''sic''] … maybe of the lecturers or professors who have got PhDs who have gone through the rigors of academic pursuits. Now can you … can someone be in charge of the promotion of other persons who actually has not gone through same rigors as that other person and give an honest, independent, objective view? ** {{cite web|url=http://www.ejinsight.com/20151028-leaked-recording-arthur-li-speaks-against-johannes-chan/|title=Leaked recording: Arthur Li speaks against Johannes Chan|work=EJ Insight|archiveurl= http://www.webcitation.org/6cfxbjx4k|archivedate=30 October 2015}} *in the mainland, a university has a party committee secretary (黨委書記). Do they want a party committee secretary at HKU? Is he a party committee secretary? They want to put him here as party committee secretary. ** {{cite web|url=http://www.ejinsight.com/20151028-leaked-recording-arthur-li-speaks-against-johannes-chan/|title=Leaked recording: Arthur Li speaks against Johannes Chan|work=EJ Insight|archiveurl= http://www.webcitation.org/6cfxbjx4k|archivedate=30 October 2015}} == External links== {{Wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Li, Arthur}} [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Academics]] [[Category:Educators]] hmhr20bha88kbavpj7lytiwrx7w59yb 0 183150 3153134 2537037 2022-08-10T03:41:23Z Eaglestorm 16205 added kiss scene wikitext text/x-wiki '''''[[w:Some Kind of Wonderful (film)|Some Kind of Wonderful]]''''', is a 1987 American romance film about a young man and his female best friend who grows a developing attraction for him as he sets his sights on their school's hot campus crush. :''Directed by [[w:Howard Deutch|Howard Deutch]]. Written by John Hughes.'' {{center|'''Before they could stand together, they had to stand alone''' ([[#Taglines|taglines]])}} ==Amanda Jones== *''[notices that Watts has feelings for Keith after she walks off]'' Remember how I said I'd rather be with someone for the wrong reasons than alone for the right ones? I'd rather be right. ''[removes earrings]'' It's gonna feel good to stand on my own. Here. ''[gives earrings to Keith]'' In your heart you wanted to give these to somebody else. Go. Go on. ''[Keith kisses a smiling Amanda on the cheeks before going]'' == Dialogue == :''[Keith and Watts practice kissing on the lips, but the kiss seems too deep and Watts pushes him off]'' :'''Keith''': What? What? :'''Watts''':Lesson's over. You're cool. ''[walks off]'' :'''Keith''': ''[smiles]'' You're blushing. :'''Watts''': Yeah, right. The day I blush-- :'''Keith''': No, no, that was very nice. You're-- You're pretty. :'''Watts''': This is how you repay a favor, I'm not rich enough to be your friend. :'''Keith''': No, wait. I didn't mean anything. I'm sorry. Don't be mad, okay? ''[Watts leaves]'' I'll see you tonight! <hr width=50%> :''[Keith is waiting for Amanda to meet him at a rock club where Watts is hanging out]'' :'''Watts''': She said she'd meet you here? :'''Keith Nelson''': Not in those words. :'''Watts''': In any words? Maybe she didn't have ID. :'''Keith''': Who doesn't have ID? :'''Watts''': Maybe she doesn't like you as much as you think. :'''Keith''': Maybe. :'''Watts''': Do you miss me, Keith? Do you miss not being around me? :'''Keith''': This isn't the third grade anymore. :'''Watts''': She doesn't love you. It's a joke. It's all a joke. :'''Keith''': ''[stern]'' How do you know? :'''Watts''': I'd bet my hands on it. :'''Keith''': You don't wanna make that bet. ''[drinks]'' :'''Watts''': Yeah, I do. I've been thinking a lot lately about you and me... and I came to a conclusion that I didn't want to deal with. But now that we've talked I can't hide it anymore. We'd get along much better if we didn't spend so much time together anymore. :'''Keith''': Why? :'''Watts''': Because I'm driving you crazy and you're driving me crazy. And I'd rather not see you and have you think good things about me than have you see me and hate me. ''[gets more emotional]'' 'Cause I can't afford to have you hate me, Keith. The only things I care about in this goddamn life are me and my drums, and you. ''Adios.'' :'''Keith''': Wait. Watts. Watts! ''[she looks back at him and leaves]'' <hr width=50%> :''[Hardy Jenns has been called out over his plan to beat up Keith at his own party... especially now that Keith had brought some backup]'' :'''Hardy Jenns''': Look, I'm perfectly willing to forget this. Okay? I see no reason in carrying this on any longer. It was a joke. It's gone too far. It's over. Okay? :'''Keith Nelson''': You want the truth? You want the plain truth? You're over. ''[turns to leave]'' :'''Amanda Jones''': Are you just gonna leave? :'''Keith''': There isn't anything I could do to him that he hasn't already done to himself. :'''Jones''': ''[comes up to Hardy]'' I wish I could live with that. ''[smiles at Hardy and slaps him... and slaps him again]'' == Taglines== *Before they could stand together, they had to stand alone. == Cast == * [[w:Eric Stoltz|Eric Stoltz]] - Keith Nelson * [[w:Mary Stuart Masterson|Mary Stuart Masterson]] - Watts * [[w:Lea Thompson|Lea Thompson]] - Amanda Jones * [[w:Craig Sheffer|Craig Sheffer]] - Hardy Jenns * [[w:John Ashton (actor)|John Ashton]] - Cliff Nelson * [[w:Elias Koteas|Elias Koateas]] - Duncan * [[w:Molly Hagan|Molly Hagan]] - Shayne * [[w:Maddie Corman|Maddie Corman]] - Laura Nelson * [[w:Jane Elliot|Jane Elliot]] - Carol Nelson * [[w:Candace Cameron Bure|Candace Cameron Bure]] - Cindy Nelson * [[w:Chynna Phillips|Chynna Phillips]] - Mia * [[w:Scott Coffey|Scott Coffey]] - Ray * [[w:Carmine Caridi|Carmine Caridi]] - Museum Guard * [[w:Lee Garlington|Lee Garlington]] - Gym Instructor * [[Pamela Anderson]] - Party Guest == External links == {{wikipedia|Some_Kind_of_Wonderful (film)}} * {{imdb title|id=0094006|title=Some_Kind_of_Wonderful (film)}} [[Category:1987 films]] [[Category:Romantic drama films]] [[Category:Screenplays by John Hughes (filmmaker)]] exgcv32e3m8n3fbbnfnq6fllkop1mce 0 183794 3153158 3094025 2022-08-10T08:13:38Z 69.40.3.94 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Kingsman: The Secret Service|Kingsman: The Secret Service]]''''' is a [[w:2015 in film|2015]] British-American [[w:spy film|spy]] [[w: action (genre)|action film]] directed by [[w:Matthew Vaughn|Matthew Vaughn]] and based on the [[w:comic book|comic book]] ''[[w:The Secret Service (comics)|The Secret Service]]'', created by [[w:Dave Gibbons|Dave Gibbons]] and [[w:Mark Millar|Mark Millar]]. The screenplay was written by Vaughn and [[w:Jane Goldman|Jane Goldman]]. It follows the recruitment and training of a potential secret agent, Gary "Eggsy" Unwin, into a secret counterterrorist spy organization. Eggsy joins a mission to tackle a global threat from Richmond Valentine, a wealthy megalomaniac. {{film-stub}} ==Gary "Eggsy" Unwin== * Rox. Rox, I need a favour. Call my mum. Tell her to lock herself away from Dean. * Oi! Dean! * Merlin, remember those implants you said were of no use to us? Any chance you can turn them on? * Merlin, you're a fucking genius! * ''[After watching Valentine shoot Harry via live stream]'' NO!!! * One of these days, I'm gonna smash his face in. ==Harry Hart/Galahad== * Since 1849, Kingsman Tailors have clothed the world's most powerful individuals. In 1919, a great number of them had lost their heirs to World War I. That meant a lot of money going uninherited. And a lot of powerful men with the desire to preserve peace and protect life. Our founders realised that they could channel that wealth and influence for the greater good. And so began our other venture. An independent, international intelligence agency operating at the highest level of discretion. Above the politics and bureaucracy that undermine the integrity of government-run spy organisations. A suit is the modern gentleman's armour. And the Kingsman agents are the new knights. * Shit. Fucking missed it. How did I fucking miss it? * Uh, listen, boys. I've had a rather emotional day, so whatever your beef with Eggsy is, and I'm sure it's well-founded, I appreciate it enormously if you could just leave us in peace, until I finish this lovely pint of Guinness. * Manners maketh man. * ''[To Eggsy, disappointed in him]'' You should be. You just stay right there. I'll sort this mess out when I get back. ==Michelle Unwin== * I don't want your help, I want my husband back! * Oi. What have I said to you about speaking to Dean like that? * Just leave him alone, Dean! Eggsy, go. Please just go, babe. ==Roxy Morton== * Yes! Yes, Eggsy! * ''[To Michelle Unwin]'' As I said, put your daughter in the bathroom and throw away the key. * Charlie, fuck off! ==Merlin== * Eggsy, the signal's starting! Get Valentine's hand off that bloody desk '''now!''' * '''Eggsy! Fucking get on with it!''' * Harry would be proud of you, Eggsy. He was right. ==Dialogue== :'''Michelle Unwin''': Eggsy? Eggsy, come here. Got any Rizla, babe? :'''Eggsy''': No. :'''Dean''': Why'd you do your mum a favour, go down to the shop and get some. :'''Eggsy''': Get 'em yourself. :'''Michelle Unwin''': ''[Looks up at Eggsy sternly]'' Oi. What have I said to you about speaking to Dean like that? :'''Eggsy''': Three's a crowd, isn't it? Why don't Dean's poodle go? :'''Dean''': I'll tell you what. ''[Dean takes some cash out of his pocket and hands it to Eggsy]'' Why don't you take this, go and get some Rizla's, get yourself some sweets. And while you're gone, we'll show your mum how three can be good company. :''[Eggsy takes the cash from Dean]'' :'''Michelle Unwin''': Thanks, babe. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Eggsy''': One of these days, I'm going to smash his face in. :'''Jamal''': Are you mental, cuz? ''[Points to Dean's thugs]'' He'd just get that lot to do you and then pretend he knew nothing... about it. :'''Rottweiler''': '''Oi!''' You think you can chat shit about us and we won't do nothing just because our governor's banging Eggsy's mum? :'''Eggsy''': Pretty much, yeah. :'''Jamal''': ''[As Dean's thugs get up from their table one by one and head to the table that Eggsy, Jamal and Ryan are sitting at]'' Bruv, let's just go, man. It's not worth it. :'''Rottweiler''': You boys have outstayed your welcome. Leave. :''[Eggsy stands up to face Rottweiler]'' :'''Eggsy''': I'm sorry about that, bruv. :''[Eggsy and his friends leave the pub]'' :'''Ryan''': They weren't fucking worth it, boys. :'''Jamal''': It's freezing. Why are we walking? :''[Eggsy holds out Rottweiler's car keys]'' :'''Jamal''': You jacked his fucking car keys, bruv? :'''Eggsy''': Yeah. Now we're going to nick his car. Come on. :''[Eggsy, Ryan and Jamal get into Rottweiler's car. Rottweiler, still inside the pub, turns to see the engine of a car revving outside]'' :'''Rottweiler''': Hold on, boys. ''[Rottweiler gets up and goes outside and sees Eggsy joyriding in his car]'' :'''Rottweiler''': OI, THAT'S MY FUCKING CAR! OI! OI! EGGSY! THAT'S RIGHT, YOU WANT TO FUCKING STOP IT! YOU'RE A FUCKING DEAD MAN! STOP IT! ''[Eggsy hoots with joy while in the car]'' :'''Rottweiler''': I'm going to fucking have you! :''[Eggsy, Jamal and Ryan laugh and throw finger gestures at Rottweiler]'' :'''Ryan''': Floor it, Eggsy! :''[Eggsy drives off with Rottweiler watching. Rottweiler gets out his phone and calls Dean]'' :'''Rottweiler''': Yeah, yeah, Dean, look, it's me. Eggsy just stole my fucking car, yeah. Yeah, I've come out of the pub, he's done about 15 doughnuts in my fucking face and he's drove off. No I can't have it! He's disrespecting me and that means he's disrespecting you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jamal''': Foxes are vermin, cuz. Should've driven it over. :'''Eggsy''': Should've done a lot of things. I'll sort this. Get out of the car. :''[Ryan and Jamal look at Eggsy for a second]'' :'''Eggsy''': '''I SAID GET OUT OF THE FUCKING CAR!''' :''[Ryan and Jamal get out of the car. Eggsy drives it into the police car that was following them]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Having got Eggsy off a car theft charge, Harry talks with him in the pub]'' :'''Eggsy''': So before you was a tailor, was you in the Army? Like an officer? :'''Hart''': Not quite. :'''Eggsy''': So where was you posted - Iraq or something? :'''Hart''': Sorry, Eggsy. Classified. :'''Eggsy''': But my dad saved your life, yeah? :'''Hart''': The day your father died, I missed something. And if it weren't for his courage, my mistake would have cost the lives of every man present. So I owe him. Your father was a brave man. A good man. And having read your files, I'd think he'd be bitterly disappointed in the choices you've made. :'''Eggsy''': ''[angry]'' You can't talk to me like that-! :'''Hart''': Huge I.Q., great performance in primary school. And it all went tits up. Drugs, petty crime, never had a job. :'''Eggsy''': Do you think there's a lot of jobs going around here, yeah? :'''Hart''': Doesn't explain why you gave up your hobbies. First prize, regional under tens' gymnastics, two years in a row. Your coach had you pegged as Olympic team material. :'''Eggsy''': Yeah, well, when you grow up around someone like my stepdad, you pick up new hobbies pretty quick. :'''Hart''': Of course. Always someone else's fault. Who's to blame you for quitting the Marines? You were halfway through training, doing brilliantly, but you gave up. :'''Eggsy''': Because my mum went mental, banging on about losing me as well as my dad! Didn't want me being cannon fodder for snobs like you, judging people like me from your ivory towers with no thought about why we do what we do! We ain't got much choice, you get me? And if we was born with the same silver spoon up our arses, we'd do just as well as you, if not better. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Eggsy returns home after watching the fight between Harry and Dean's thugs in the pub. Michelle turns to see Eggsy, then turns back to look at Dean before getting up from the couch to warn Eggsy about Dean]'' :'''Michelle Unwin''': Eggsy. Just go please, because he's going to... :''[Dean gets up from the couch and suddenly jabs Eggsy against the fridge and then lands a punch on Eggsy's stomach, causing Eggsy to groan in pain]'' :'''Michelle Unwin''': ''[Places her hands on Dean's shoulder]'' No, please! Don't hurt him! ''[Dean turns his attention away from Eggsy towards Michelle and grabs Michelle by the throat]'' :'''Dean''': Fuck off! ''[Dean pushes Michelle away]'' Get the fuck away! Shut the fuck up! ''[Dean turns his attention back to Eggsy]'' Who was with you in that fucking pub? I want to know the name of the geezer you was with! :'''Eggsy''': I wasn't with no one! :'''Dean''': ''[Slaps Eggsy]'' Who was it? :'''Eggsy''': I don't know what you're on about. :'''Dean''': ''[Slaps Eggsy again]'' Who was it?! :'''Eggsy''': I don't know who you're fucking on about! :'''Dean''': Fucking tell me his name! :'''Eggsy''': I don't know who you're fucking on about! :''[As the struggle between Eggsy and Dean continues, Harry overhears it through a mic that he placed on Eggsy's shoulder]'' :'''Dean''': You listen to me! I want to know who was with you in that pub. Do you understand? I want to know his fucking name! Because, I swear, I'll rip your mouth! ''[Slaps Eggsy again as Harry hears]'' Tell me! :'''Eggsy''': I don't know who you're fucking on about! :'''Dean''': Tell me! :'''Michelle Unwin''': Just tell him, Eggsy! :''[Dean picks up a meat cleaver and shoves it in Michelle's face]'' :'''Dean''': Fuck off! Fuck off, Michelle! ''[Dean threatens Eggsy with the meat cleaver]'' I could kill you right now and no one in the whole world will notice! :'''Harry Hart''': But I would. I have enough evidence on your activities to have you locked up for the rest of your life, Mr Dean Anthony Baker. :'''Dean''': What the fuck? :'''Harry Hart''': So I suggest you leave the boy alone, or I shall be forced to deliver it to the appropriate authorities. ''[Dean puts the meat cleaver down]'' :'''Harry Hart''': Eggsy, meet me at the tailor I told you about. :'''Dean''': What the fuck's going on here? <hr width="50%"> :'''Princess Tilde''': Just let me out, you '''''psycho'''''! :'''Richmond Valentine''': I told you, you're free to go anytime you want, as long as you agree to my conditions. :'''Princess Tilde''': I '''don't''' agree and I am '''never''', '''ever''' going to agree! <hr width="50%"> :''[[Eggsy wakes up, tied to a railroad track. He sees the Interrogator approach him with a knife in hand]'' :'''Eggsy''': Who the fuck are you? Where am I? :'''The Interrogator''': This knife can save your life. :''[Eggsy suddenly notices a train approaching]'' :'''Eggsy''': ''[Struggling to get out of the ropes]'' Fuck! :'''The Interrogator''': My employer's got two questions for you, Eggsy. What the fuck is Kingsman? And who is Harry Hart? :'''Eggsy''': I don't know who the fuck that is! Shit! :'''The Interrogator''': Oh, Eggsy, I just killed two of your friends who gave me the same bullshit answer! :'''Eggsy''': Fuck! Just cut the fucking ropes, please! :'''The Interrogator''': Hey, Eggsy, is Kingsman worth dying for? :''[Eggsy watches the train getting closer.]'' :'''Eggsy''': FUCK YOOOOOOU! :''[Eggsy sustains the "you" as the train passes over him. He discovers that the section dropped down before impact. Harry arrives at the scene]'' :'''Harry''': Congratulations. Bloody well done. :'''Eggsy''': How'd the others do? :'''Harry''': Roxy passed with flying colours. Charlie's up next. Want to watch? :'''Eggsy''': Yeah. Alright. :''[Cuts to Charlie tied to the same tracks, The Interrogator standing over him.]'' :'''The Interrogator''': Is Kingsman worth dying for? :'''Charlie''': No it fucking isn't! Shit! I'll tell you what you want, please! Chester King's Arthur! Arthur's head of the secret spy agency! It's called Kingsman! Get me out of here! :'''The Interrogator''': Thank you, Charlie. Much appreciated. :''[He walks away.]'' :'''Charlie''': No, that wasn't the fucking deal! FUUUUUUUCK! :''[Train passes over Charlie and the section he's tied to drops down. Section rises as Arthur arrives at the scene.]'' :'''Arthur''': I've had such high hopes for you. You're a bloody disgrace. :'''Charlie''': I'm so sorry. Please untie me. :'''Arthur''': Untie yourself. :''[Arthur walks away.]'' :'''Charlie''': Arth- Arthur, please. Shit. Anyone! :''[Merlin, Harry, Eggsy, Roxy, and Percival observe the scene in the control room.]'' :'''Merlin''': Galahad, Percival, congratulations. Your candidates have reached the final stage of the testing process. As tradition allows, you will have 24 hours to spend with them. Eggsy, you should know your father reached this point. From now on, there are no safety nets. Understood? :''[Eggsy and Roxy look at each other and nod to Merlin.]'' :'''Merlin''': Good. Dismissed. :''[The Kingsman agents and candidates leave the room. Merlin turns around and turns on the loudspeaker at the railway.]'' :'''Merlin''': Charlie. Time to go home. :'''Charlie''': Fuck you! Fucking Dad's going to hear about this! <hr width="50%"> :'''Michelle Unwin''': ''[Hugs Eggsy]'' Where have you been? I've been so worried about you! :''[Eggsy checks on Daisy]'' :'''Eggsy''': Oh my days, look how big you've grown! :''[Eggsy's smile fades when he sees a black eye on Michelle's face]'' :'''Eggsy''': ''[Referring to Dean]'' Where is he? :'''Michelle Unwin''': I'm fine. Eggsy, please, please, just don't get involved. :'''Eggsy''': No, I should've never left you on your own. This stops right now. I'll be right back. :'''Michelle Unwin''': Eggsy... :''[Eggsy drives the taxi to the pub where Dean and his thugs are]'' :'''Eggsy''': Oi! Dean! :'''Dean''': Oh, Mugsy. So you're back. What, you've gone and nicked a fucking taxi now? :'''Eggsy''': Yeah. Can I have a word about my mum's black eye? :'''Dean''': You want to have a word with me? You get out of that cab, I'll knock you straight back down on your fucking arse. :'''Eggsy''': Tell your muppets to go inside, then I'll get out. <hr width="50%"> :'''Harry''': South Glade Mission Church. Merlin, get the plane ready. :'''Merlin''': Will do. :'''Eggsy''': I am so sorry, I'm gonna do every... :'''Harry''': You should be. You just stay right there, I'll sort this mess out when I get back. <hr width="50%"> :''[Harry is in a hate group church]'' :'''Church Leader''': And I say to you, bear witness! Watch the news. Watch the news. AIDS! Floods! The blood of the innocent, spilled! And yet, there are those who doubt this is the wrath of God. Our filthy government condones sodomy, divorce, abortion! And yet, some still doubt this is the work of the Antichrist! You do not have to be a Jew, a nigger, a whore or an atheistic, science-loving evolution spouter... :'''Merlin''': ''[watching the sermon]'' Charming sermon. Can you see Valentine anywhere? :'''Church Leader''': So, my friends, although he is a just God, he is just a vengeful one and there can be no turning back from the almighty wrath... :'''Gazelle''': Are you sure we're out of range? :'''Valentine''': We're over 1,000 feet away. What's wrong? :'''Gazelle''': What if the calculations are wrong? :'''Valentine''': You just have to trust me. :'''Church Leader''': ...Jew, nigger, fag lovers, and the devil is burning them for all eternity. :'''Harry''': Would you excuse me? :'''Church Blonde Woman''': Where are you going? ''[Harry tries to leave the church]'' Hey! What's your problem? :'''Harry''': I'm a Catholic whore, currently enjoying congress out of wedlock with my black, Jewish boyfriend who works at a military abortion clinic. So hail Satan, and have a lovely afternoon, madam. :'''Valentine''': Oh, shit. He's leaving. I'm starting the test now. Let's hope enough of these freaks have our SIM cards. :'''Church Leader''': ''[continuing his sermon]'' I kindly ask you to sit down, my friend! :'''Church Blonde Woman''': Just leave this church! You just leave this church like the infidel you are! Satan cannot save you now! You will eat your babies! You will drown in the blood of the Lord! He will not save you! :''[As Harry is about to shoot the woman Valentine starts his test and Harry, under the effects of the test, shoots the woman and everyone in the church attacks each other]'' :'''Eggsy''': ''[surprised at what happened]'' Holy fuck! :'''Valentine''': Oh, shit, I can't watch this. Get over here. <hr width="50%"> :'''Eggsy''': Aren't you that princess who went missing? :'''Princess Tilde:''' Let me out of here. :'''Eggsy''': If I do, will you give me a kiss? I've always wanted to kiss a princess. :'''Princess Tilde''': I'll give you more than just a kiss. :''[Just as Eggsy goes to open the door, Valentine tells Eggsy over the loudspeaker he's still alive]'' :'''Eggsy''': Sorry love, but I've got to save the world. :'''Princess Tilde''': If you save the world, we can do it in the arsehole. :'''Eggsy''': ''[monotone voice]'' I'll be right back. <hr width="50%"> :''[Eggsy is in Harry's home after failing Kingsman selection and stealing Arthur's car]'' :'''Harry''': You throw away your biggest opportunity over a fucking dog. And then you humiliate me by stealing my boss' car. :'''Eggsy''': ''[to Hart]'' You shot a dog just to get a job?! :'''Harry''': Yes. ''[walking into toilet where there is a stuffed dog on the mantelpiece]'' And Mr Pickle here reminds me of that, every time I take a shit. :'''Eggsy''': You shot your dog and had it stuffed? You fucking freak! :'''Harry''': No, I shot my dog, brought him home, and continued to care for him for the next 11 years until he died of pancreatitis! :'''Eggsy''': What? :'''Harry''': It was a blank, Eggsy. It was a fucking blank. Remember Amelia? :'''Eggsy''': Yeah. :'''Harry''': She didn't drown. She works in our tech department in Berlin. She's fine. Limits must be tested. A Kingsman only condones the risking of one life to save another. :'''Eggsy''': My dad might have saved your life, even though your fuck-up cost his? What, you've got him stuffed here and all? :'''Harry''': Can't you see that everything I've done has been about trying to repay him? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Eggsy''': I know this bloke who's taken over a tailor shop on Saville Row. It's given me a job, Mum. Comes with a lot of perks. Including a house. Come and live with me there, Mum. Come on. :''[Michelle starts to stand up, but Dean suddenly grits his teeth and points a finger at Michelle]'' :'''Dean''': Sit down, you. :''[Dean, Rottweiler and the other thugs gets up from different tables]'' :'''Dean''': Only place she'll be visiting is you in fucking hospital. Do you hear? :'''Michelle Unwin''': Just leave him alone, Dean! Eggsy, go. Please, just go, babe. :'''Eggsy''': Alright. :''[He turns to walk away]'' :'''Dean''': Yeah, that's it, do as Mummy says! Why don't you ask that tailor friend of yours to knock up a nice chicken costume? It'll suit you, mug! :''[Eggsy stops in his tracks]'' :'''Eggsy''': As a good friend once said, "Manners... maketh... man." :''[Eggsy locks the pub's doors methodically, in perfect imitation of Harry. One of the men who was in the pub last time quietly speaks to Dean.]'' :'''Man''': Hey- :'''Dean''': Shut the fuck up. Eggsy, I'm going to shove your manners up your fucking- :''[Eggsy turns, sweeping his umbrella handle to catch the glass sitting on a nearby counter, and flings it at Dean, knocking him out.]'' :'''Eggsy''': ''[with a cunning grin]'' So, are we going to stand here all day, or are we going to fight? ==Cast== * [[Colin Firth]] - Harry Hart/Galahad * [[Samuel L. Jackson]] - Richmond Valentine * [[Mark Strong]] - Merlin * [[Taron Egerton]] - Gary "Eggsy" Unwin * [[Michael Caine]] - Chester King/Arthur * [[Sophie Cookson]] - Roxanne "Roxy" Morton * [[Sofia Boutella]] - Gazelle * [[Samantha Womack]] - Michelle Unwin * [[Geoff Bell]] - Dean * [[Edward Holcroft]] - Charlie Hesketh * [[Mark Hamill]] - James Arnold * [[Jack Davenport]] - Lancelot * [[Velibor Topic]] - Biggest goon * Nicholas Banks - Digby Barker * Nicholas Agnew - Nathaniel * Rowan Polonski - Piers * Tom Prior - Hugo Higins * [[Fiona Hampton]] - Amelia * [[Jack Cutmore-Scott]] - Rufus Saville * Lily Travers - Lady Sophie * [[Richard Brake]] - The Interrogator * [[Hanna Alström]] - Princess Tilde of Sweden * Andrei Lenart - an Arctic Guard * [[Corey Johnson]] - Church Leader * Jonno Davies - Lee Unwin * [[Bjørn Floberg]] - Swedish Prime Minister ==External links== {{wikipedia}} * {{IMDb title|2802144|Kingsman: The Secret Service}} * {{rotten-tomatoes|kingsman_the_secret_service|Kingsman: The Secret Service}} *[https://globalfilmlocations.net/2016/12/29/kingsman-the-secret-service-film-locations/ Film Locations] {{DEFAULTSORT:Kingsman: The Secret Service}} [[Category:2015 films]] [[Category:American films]] [[Category:British films]] ck0dytdpftjd6vw1r881y0vpc5rlafz 0 184394 3152931 2948594 2022-08-09T14:52:19Z Kaltenmeyer 359014 typo wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Niels Henrik Abel.jpg|thumb|right|<center>Niels Henrik Abel</center>]] '''[[w:Niels Henrik Abel|Niels Henrik Abel]]''' (5 August 1802 – 6 April 1829) was a Norwegian mathematician who made pioneering contributions in a variety of fields. His most famous single result is the first complete proof demonstrating the impossibility of solving the [[w:General quintic equation|general quintic equation]] in radicals. This question was one of the outstanding open problems of his day, and had been unresolved for 250 years. He was also an innovator in the field of [[w:Elliptic functions|elliptic functions]], discoverer of [[w:Abelian variety#Abelian functions|Abelian functions]]. Despite his achievements, Abel was largely unrecognized during his lifetime and died at the age of 26. ==Quotes== * The mathematicians have been very much absorbed with finding the general solution of algebraic equations, and several of them have tried to prove the impossibility of it. However, if I am not mistaken, they have not as yet succeeded. I therefore dare hope that the mathematicians will receive this memoir with good will, for its purpose is to fill this gap in the theory of [[w:Algebraic equation|algebraic equations]]. ** ''A Memoir on Algebraic Equations, Proving the Impossibility of a Solution of the General Equation of the Fifth Degree'' (1824) Tr. W. H. Langdon, as quote in ''A Source Book in Mathematics'' (1929) ed. [[David Eugene Smith]] * Let<center>y<sup>5</sup> - ay<sup>4</sup> + by<sup>3</sup> - cy<sup>2</sup> + dy - e = 0</center>be the general equation of the fifth degree and suppose that it can be solved algebraically,—i.e., that y can be expressed as a function of the quantities a, b, c, d, and e, composed of radicals. In this case, it is clear that y can be written in the form<center>y = p + p<sub>1</sub>R<sup>1/m</sup> + p<sub>2</sub>R<sup>2/m</sup> +...+ p<sub>m-1</sub>R<sup>(m-1)/m</sup>,</center>m being a prime number, and R, p, p<sub>1</sub>, p<sub>2</sub>, etc. being functions of the same form as y. We can continue in this way until we reach [[w:Rational function|rational functions]] of a, b, c, d, and e. [Note: ''main body of proof is excluded'']<br />...we can find y expressed as a rational function of Z, a, b, c, d, and e. Now such a function can always be reduced to the form<center>y = P + R<sup>1/5</sup> + P<sub>2</sub>R<sup>2/5</sup> + P<sub>3</sub>R<sup>3/5</sup> + P<sub>4</sub>R<sup>4/5</sup>,</center> where P, R, P<sub>2</sub>, P<sub>3</sub>, and P<sub>4</sub> are functions or the form p + p<sub>1</sub>S<sup>1/2</sup>, where p, p<sub>1</sub> and S are rational functions of a, b, c, d, and e. From this value of y we obtain<center>R<sup>1/5</sup> = <sup>1</sup>/<sub>5</sub>(y<sub>1</sub> + &alpha;<sup>4</sup>y<sub>2</sub> + &alpha;<sup>3</sup>y<sub>3</sub> + &alpha;<sup>2</sup>y<sub>4</sub> + &alpha;y<sub>5</sub>) = (p + p<sub>1</sub>S<sup>1/2</sup>)<sup>1/5</sup>,</center>where<center>&alpha;<sup>4</sup> + &alpha;<sup>3</sup> + &alpha;<sup>2</sup> + &alpha; + 1 = 0.</center>Now the first member has 120 different values, while the second member has only 10; hence y can not have the form that we have found: but we have proved that y must necessarily have this form, if the proposed equation can be solved: hence we conclude that<br /> &nbsp; &nbsp; ''It is impossible to solve the general equation of the fifth degree in terms of radicals''.<br />It follows immediately from this theorem, that it is also impossible to solve the general equations of degrees higher than the fifth, in terms of radicals. ** ''A Memoir on Algebraic Equations, Proving the Impossibility of a Solution of the General Equation of the Fifth Degree'' (1824) Tr. W. H. Langdon, as quote in ''A Source Book in Mathematics'' (1929) ed. [[w:David Eugene Smith|David Eugene Smith]] * My work in the future must be devoted entirely to pure mathematics in its abstract meaning. I shall apply all my strength to bring more light into the tremendous obscurity which one unquestionably finds in analysis. It lacks so completely all plan and system that it is peculiar that so many have studied it. The worst of it is, it has never been treated stringently. There are very few theorems in advanced [[Mathematical analysis|analysis]] which have been demonstrated in a logically tenable manner. Everywhere one finds this miserable way of concluding from the special to the general, and it is extremely peculiar that such a procedure has led to do few of the so-called paradoxes. It is really interesting to seek the cause.<br />In analysis, one is largely occupied by functions which can be expressed as powers. As soon as other powers enter—this, however, is not often the case—then it does not work any more and a number of connected, incorrect theorems arise from false conclusions. I have examined several of them, and been so fortunate as to make this clear. ...I have had to be extremely cautious, for the presumed theorems without strict proof... had taken such a stronghold in me, that I was continually in danger of using them without detailed verification. ** Letter to Christoffer Hansteen (1826) as quoted by [[w:Øystein Ore|Øystein Ore]], ''Niels Henrik Abel: Mathematician Extraordinary'' (1957) & in part by [[w:Morris Kline|Morris Kline]], ''Mathematical Thought from Ancient to Modern Times'' (1972) citing ''Œuvres'', 2, 263-65 * On the whole, [[w:Divergent series|Divergant series]] are the work of the Devil and it's a Shame that one dares base any Demonstration on them. You can get whatever result you want when you use them, and they have given rise to so many Disasters and so many Paradoxes. Can anything more horrible be conceived than to have the following oozing out of you:<br />0 = 1 - 2<sup>n</sup> + 3<sup>n</sup> - 4<sup>n</sup> + etc.<br />where n is a whole Number? Risum teneatis amici. [Laughter retains friends]<!--p.343--> ** Letter to [[w:Bernt Michael Holmboe|Bernt Michael Holmboe]] (Jan. 1826) as quoted by [[w:Arild Stubhaug|Arild Stubhaug]], ''Niels Henrik Abel and his Times: Called Too Soon by Flames Afar'' (2013) * On the whole, I do not like the French as well as the Germans; the French are extremely reserved toward strangers... Everybody works for himself without concern for others. All want to instruct, and nobody wants to learn. The most absolute egotism reigns everywhere. The only thing the French look for in strangers is the practical; no one can think except himself, he is the only one who can produce anything theoretical. This is the way he thinks and so you can understand it is really difficult to be noticed, particularly for a beginner. ** Letter to [[w:Bernt Michael Holmboe|Bernt Michael Holmboe]] (ca. 1826) as quoted by [[w:Øystein Ore|Øystein Ore]], ''Niels Henrik Abel: Mathematician Extraordinary'' (1957) * It is readily seen that any theory written by [[Pierre-Simon Laplace|Laplace]] will be superior to all produced of lower standing. It appears to me that if one wants to make progress in mathematics, one should study the masters and not the pupils. ** Marginal note in his mathematical notebook (ca. 1826) as quoted by [[w:Øystein Ore|Øystein Ore]], ''Niels Henrik Abel: Mathematician Extraordinary'' (1957) == Quotes about Abel == * His memoirs on elliptic functions, originally published in Crelle's Journal (of which he was one of the founders), treat the subject from the point of view of the theory of equations and algebraic forms, a treatment to which his researches naturally led him.<br />The important and very general result known as Abel's theorem, which was subsequently applied by [[Bernhard Riemann|Riemann]] to the [[w:Transcendental function|theory of transcendental functions]], was sent to the French Academy in 1826, but was not printed until 1841: its publication then was due to inquiries made by [[Carl Gustav Jacob Jacobi|Jacobi]], in consequence of a statement on the subject by [[w:Bernt Michael Holmboe|B. Holmboe]] in his edition of Abel's works issued in 1839. ...Abel's theorem ...may be described as a theorem for evaluating the sum of a number of integrals which have the same integrand, but different limits—these limits being the roots of an algebraic equation. The theorem gives the sum of the integrals in terms of the constants occurring in this equation and in the integrand. We may regard the inverse of the integral of this integrand as a new transcendental function, and if so the theorem furnishes a property of this function. For instance, if Abel's theorem be applied to the integrand <math>(1 - x^2)^\frac{-1}{2}</math> it gives the addition theorem for the circular (or trigonometrical) functions.<!--pp.461-2--> ** [[W. W. Rouse Ball]], ''A Short Account of the History of Mathematics'' (1912) * The name of Abelian function has been given to the higher [[w:Transcendental function|transcendents]] of multiple periodicity which were first discussed by Abel. The Abelian functions connected with a curve ''f''(''x,y'') are if the form <math>\int u\,dx,</math> where ''u'' is a rational function of ''x'' and ''y''. The theory of Abelian functions has been studied by a very large number of modern writers.<!--p.462--> ** [[W. W. Rouse Ball]], ''A Short Account of the History of Mathematics'' (1912) * Abel criticised the use of infinite series, and discovered the well-known theorem which furnishes a test for the validity of the result obtained by multiplying one infinite series by another. He also proved the [[w:Binomial theorem|binomial theorem]] for the expansion of <math>(1 + x)^n</math> when ''x'' and ''n'' are [[w:Complex number|complex]]. As illustrating his fertility of ideas... notice his celebrated demonstration that it is impossible to express a root of the general [[w:Quintic function|quintic equation]] in terms of its coefficients by means of a finite number of [[w:nth root|radicals]] and [[w:Rational function|rational functions]]; this theorem was the more important since it definitely limited a field of mathematics which had previously attracted numerous writers. ...this theorem had been enunciated as early as 1798 by [[w:Paolo Ruffini|Paolo Ruffini]]... but I believe that the proof he gave was lacking in generality.<!--p.462--> ** [[W. W. Rouse Ball]], ''A Short Account of the History of Mathematics'' (1912) * Like [[Carl Gustav Jacob Jacobi|Jacobi]] and many other young men who became eminent mathematicians, Abel found the first exercise of his talent in the attempt to solve by algebra the general equation of the fifth degree. ...His extraordinary success in mathematical study led to the offer of a stipend by the government, that he might continue his studies in Germany and France. ...Encouraged by Abel and [[w:Jakob Steiner|Steiner]], [[w:August Leopold Crelle|Crelle]] started his [[w:Crelle's Journal|journal]] in 1826. <!--p.347--> ** [[Florian Cajori]], ''[[A History of Mathematics]]'' (1893) * Abel had sent to [[Carl Friedrich Gauss|Gauss]] his proof of 1824 of the impossibility of solving equations of the fifth degree, to which Gauss never paid any attention. This slight, and a haughtiness of spirit which he associated with Gauss, prevented the genial Abel from going to Göttingen. A similar feeling was entertained by him later against [[w:Augustin-Louis Cauchy|Cauchy]]. ...He met... [[w:Peter Gustav Lejeune Dirichlet|Dirichlet]], [[w:Adrien-Marie Legendre|Legendre]], Cauchy, and others; but was little appreciated. He had already published several important memoirs in ''[[w:Crelle's Journal|Crelle's Journal]]'', but by the French this new periodical was as yet hardly known to exist, and Abel was too modest to speak of his own work. Pecuniary embarrassments induced him to return home... ** Florian Cajori, ''A History of Mathematics'' (1893) * At nearly the same time with Abel, [[Carl Gustav Jacob Jacobi|Jacobi]] published articles on elliptic functions. [[w:Adrien-Marie Legendre|Legendre's]] favourite subject, so long neglected, was at last to be enriched by some extraordinary discoveries. The advantage to be derived by inverting the elliptic integral of the first kind and treating it as a function of its amplitude (now called elliptic function) was recognised by Abel, and a few months later also by Jacobi. A second fruitful idea, also arrived at independently by both, is the introduction of [[w:Imaginary number|imaginaries]] leading to the observation that the new functions simulated at once [[w:Trigonometric functions|trigonometric]] and [[Exponential function|exponential functions]]. For it was shown that while trigonometric functions had only a [[w:Real number|real]] period, and exponential only an imaginary, elliptic functions had both sorts of periods. These two discoveries were the foundations upon which Abel and Jacobi, each in his own way, erected beautiful new structures. Abel developed the curious expressions representing elliptic functions by [[w:Series (mathematics)|infinite series]] or quotients of infinite products. ** Florian Cajori, ''A History of Mathematics'' (1893) * Great as were the achievements of Abel in elliptic functions, they were eclipsed by his researches on what are now called Abelian functions. Abel's theorem on these functions was given by him in several forms, the most general of these being that in his ''Mémoire sur une propriété générale d'une classe trés-étendue de fonctions transcendentes'' (1826). ...A few months after his arrival in Paris [July, 1826], Abel submitted it to the French Academy. Cauchy and Legendre were appointed to examine it; but said nothing about it until after Abel's death. ...The memoir remained in Cauchy's hands. It was not published until 1841. By a singular mishap, the manuscript was lost before the proof-sheets were read. ** Florian Cajori, ''A History of Mathematics'' (1893) * In its form, the contents of the memoir [''Mémoire sur une propriété générale...'' (1826)] belongs to the integral calculus. [[w:Abelian integral|Abelian integrals]] depend upon an irrational function ''y'' which is connected with ''x'' by an algebraic equation ''F''((''x'',''y''))=0. Abel's theorem asserts that a sum of such integrals can be expressed by a definite number ''p'' of similar integrals, where ''p'' depends merely on the properties of the equation ''F''((''x'',''y''))=0. It was shown later that ''p'' is the deficiency of the curve ''F''((''x'',''y''))=0. The addition theorems of [[w:Elliptic integral|elliptic integrals]] are deducible from Abel's theorem. The [[w:Differential of the first kind|hyperelliptic integrals]] introduced by Abel, and proved by him to possess multiple periodicity, are special cases of Abelian integrals whenever ''p'' = or &gt; 3. The reduction of Abelian to elliptic integrals has been studied mainly by [[Carl Gustav Jacob Jacobi|Jacobi]], [[w:Charles Hermite|Hermite]], [[w:Leo Königsberger|Königsberger]], [[w:Francesco Brioschi|Brioschi]], [[w:Édouard Goursat|Goursat]], [[w:Émile Picard|E. Picard]] and [[w:Oskar Bolza|O. Bolza]]... ** Florian Cajori, ''A History of Mathematics'' (1893) * Abel's theorem was pronounced by Jacobi the greatest discovery of our century on the integral calculus. The aged [[w:Adrien-Marie Legendre|Legendre]], who greatly admired Abel's genius, called it "''monumentum aere perennius''." During the few years of work allotted to the young Norwegian, he penetrated new fields of research, the development of which has kept mathematicians busy for over half a century. ** [[Florian Cajori]], ''[[A History of Mathematics]]'' (1893) * Other mathematicians confess that they have been unable to understand this proof and some have made the correct observation that [[w:Paolo Ruffini|Ruffini]], perhaps by proving too much, had proved nothing in a satisfactory manner. Monsieur Abel has shown by a more penetrating analysis that there can be no algebraic [radical] roots, but he does not deny the possibility of transcendental roots. We recommend this problem to the attention of mathematicians specializing in this field. ** [[w:Augustin-Louis Cauchy|Augustin-Louis Cauchy]], commenting on Abel's ''Mémoire sur les équations algébriques où on démontre l'impossibilité de la résolution de l'équation générale du cinquième degré'' (1824) as quoted by [[w:Øystein Ore|Øystein Ore]], ''Niels Henrik Abel: Mathematician Extraordinary'' (1957) * It is most remarkable that two men as different in character and outlook as Abel and Galois should have been interested in the same problem and should have attacked it by similar methods. Both approached the problem of the ''quintic'' equation in the conviction that a solution by radicals was possible; Abel at eighteen, Galois at sixteen. In fact, both thought for a while that they had discovered such a solution; both soon realized their error and attacked the problem by new methods.<!--p.114--> ** [[Tobias Dantzig]], ''[[w:Number: The Language of Science|Number: The Language of Science]]'' (1930) * Analysis grew and grew, not heeding the warnings of the critics, constantly forging ahead and conquering new domains. First geometry and mechanics, then optics and acoustics, propogation of heat and thermodynamics, electricity and magnetism, and finally even the laws of the Chaos came under its direct sway.<br />...And yet this magnificent structure was created by the mathematicians... without much thought of the foundations on which it rested. Is it not remarkable then, that in spite of all the loose reasoning, all the vague notions and unwarranted generalization, so few serious errors had been committed?<br />...Then came the critical period: Abel and Jacobi, Gauss, Cauchy and [[Karl Weierstrass|Weierstrass]], and finally [[w:Richard Dedekind|Dedekind]] and [[Georg Cantor|Cantor]], subjected the whole structure to a searching analysis, eliminating the vague and ambiguous. And what was the net result of this reconstruction? Well, ''it condemned the logic of the pioneers, but vindicated their faith''.<!--pp.140-1--> ** Tobias Dantzig, ''Number: The Language of Science'' (1930) * The tract in which [[Gottfried Wilhelm Leibniz|Leibnitz]] deals with series appeared late in the seventeenth century and was among the first on the subject. ...the question of their convergence or divergence ...was in those days more or less ignored. ...It was not until the publication of [[w:Jacob Bernoulli|Jacques Bernoulli's]] work on infinite series in 1713 that a clearer insight into the problem was gained. ...Bernoulli's work directed attention towards the necessity of establishing criteria of convergence. The evanescence of the general term, i.e., of the generating sequence, is certainly a necessary condition, but this is generally insufficient. Sufficient conditions have been established by d'Alembert and Maclauren, Cauchy, Abel, and many others. ...to recognized whether a series converges or diverges is even today rather difficult in some cases. ** [[Tobias Dantzig]], ''[[w:Number: The Language of Science|Number: The Language of Science]]'' (1930) [[File:Polynomialdeg5.svg|thumb|<center>Graph of a [[w:Quintic function|quintic equation]]</center>]] [[File:Courbe quatrième degré 04.png|thumb|<center>Graph of a [[w:Quartic function|quartic equation]]</center>]] * One question that the [[Gerolamo Cardano|Cardano]]-[[w:Lodovico Ferrari|Ferrari]] work left unanswered was the algebraic solution of the quintic... as was well known, any fifth-degree equation ''must'' have at least one real solution. ...because the graphs of odd-degree equations ...rise ever higher as we move in one direction on the x-axis and fall ever lower as we move in the other direction ...the continuous graph must somewhere cross the x-axis. A similar argument guarantees that any odd-degree polynomial equation has at least one real solution.<br />...It was the precise formula... that the algebraists who followed Ferrari were seeking. ...A century passed, and another, yet no one could provide a "solution by radicals" ...in spite of the fact that later mathematicians found a transformation to reduce the general quintic to...<center>''z''<sup>5</sup> + ''pz'' = ''q''</center>Then... Niels Abel shocked the mathematical world by showing that no "solution by radicals" was possible for fifth- or higher-degree equations. ...Abel's proof ...stands as a landmark in mathematics history. ** [[w:William Dunham (mathematician)|William Dunham]], ''Journey Through Genius: The Great Theorems of Mathematics'' (1990) * Abel did not deny that we might solve quintics using techniques other than algebraic ones of adding, subtracting, multiplying, dividing, and extracting roots. ...the general quintic ''can'' be solved by introducing... "elliptic functions," but these require operations considerably more complicated than those of elementary algebra. In addition, Abel's result did not preclude our approximating solutions... as accurately as we... wish.<br />What Abel did do was prove that there exists no algebraic formula... The analogue of the [[w:Quadratic formula|quadratic formula]] for second-degree equations and [[w:Cubic function#Cardano's method|Cardano's formula]] for cubics simply does not exist... This situation is reminiscent of that encountered when trying to [[w:Squaring the circle|square the circle]], for in both cases mathematicians are limited by the tools they can employ. ...the restriction to "solution by radicals"... hampers mathematicians... what Abel actually demonstrated was that algebra does have... limits, and for no obvious reason, these limits appear precisely as we move from the fourth to the fifth degree. ** [[w:William Dunham (mathematician)|William Dunham]], ''Journey Through Genius: The Great Theorems of Mathematics'' (1990) * But I would not like to part from this ideal type of researcher, such as has seldom appeared in the history of mathematics, without evoking a figure from another sphere who, in spite of his totally different field, still seems related. Thus, although Abel shared with many mathematicians a complete lack of musical talent, I will not sound absurd if I compare his kind of productivity and his personality with [[Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart|Mozart's]]. Thus one might erect a monument to this divinely inspired mathematician like the one to Mozart in Vienna: simple and unassuming he stands there listening, while graceful angels float about, playfully bringing him inspiration from another world.<br />Instead, I must mention the very different type of memorial that was in fact erected to Abel in Christiania and which must greatly disappoint anyone familiar with his nature. On a towering, steep block of granite a youthful athlete of the [[wiktionary:Byronic#Adjective|Byronic]] type steps over two greyish sacrificial victims, his direction toward the heavens. If needed be, one might take the hero to be a symbol of the human spirit, but one ponders the deeper significance of the two monsters in vain. Are they the conquered quintic equations or elliptic functions? Or the sorrows and cares of his everyday life? The pedestal of the monument bears, in immense letters, the inscription ABEL. ** [[w:Felix Klein|Felix Klein]], ''Development of mathematics in the 19th century'' (1979) p.97 * Rigorous analysis begins with the work of [[w:Bernard Bolzano|Bolzano]], Cauchy, Abel, and [[w:Peter Gustav Lejeune Dirichlet|Dirichlet]] and was furthered by Weierstrass. ** [[w:Morris Kline|Morris Kline]], ''Mathematical Thought from Ancient to Modern Times'' (1972) * Abel read Lagrange's and Gauss's work in the theory of equations and while still a student in high school tackled the problem of the solvability of higher degree equations by following Gauss's treatment of the [[w:Binomial (polynomial)|binomial equation]]. At first Abel thought he had solved the general fifth degree equation by radicals. But soon... he tried to prove that such a solution is not possible (1824-26). First he succeeded in proving the theorem: The roots of an equation solvable by radicals can be given such a form that each of the radicals occurring in the expressions for the roots is expressible as a rational function of the roots of the equation and certain roots of unity. Abel then used this theorem to prove the impossibility of solving by radicals the general equation of degree greater than four. ...His paper ...contained an error in a classification of functions, which fortunately was not essential to the argument. He later published two more elaborate proofs. A simple, direct, and rigorous proof based on Abel's idea was given by [[Leopold Kronecker|Kronecker]] in 1879.<br />Thus the question of the solution of general equations of degree higher than four was settled by Abel. ** [[w:Morris Kline|Morris Kline]], ''Mathematical Thought from Ancient to Modern Times'' (1972) * He took up the problem of the division of the [[w:Lemniscate|lemniscate]] (solving ''x<sup>n</sup>'' - 1 = 0 is the equivalent of the problem of the division of the circle into ''n'' equal arcs) and arrived at a class of algebraic equations... Abelian equations, that are solvable by radicals. The cyclotomic equation [x<sup>p</sup> - 1 = 0, where ''p'' is a prime] is an example... In this last work he introduced two notions (though not the terminology), [[w:Field (mathematics)|field]] and polynomial irreducible in a given field. By a field of numbers he, like [[Évariste Galois|Galois]] later, meant a collection of numbers such that the sum, difference, product, and quotient of any two numbers in the collection (except division by 0) are also in the collection. ...A [[w:Polynomial|polynomial]] is said to be reducible in a field (usually the field to which its coefficients belong) if it can be expressed as a product of two polynomials of lower degrees and with coefficients in the field.<br />Abel then tackled the problem of characterizing all equations which are solvable by radicals and had communicated some results... just before death overtook him in 1829. ** [[w:Morris Kline|Morris Kline]], ''Mathematical Thought from Ancient to Modern Times'' (1972) * In [[Gottfried Wilhelm Leibniz|Leibnitz's]] day... equations of the 2d, 3d, and 4th degrees were reduced to pure equations, but the reduction of equations of higher degrees than the 4th remained an unsolved problem, on which mathematicians spent much labor, until Niels Henrik Abel... a Norwegian mathematician of great ability and acuteness, demonstrated (1824) that the quintic equation and ''[[w:A fortiori argument|a fortiori]]'' the general equation of any order higher than five, is incapable of solution by radicals. ''Cf''. Abel, ''Démonstration de l'impossibilité de la résolution algébrique des équations générates qui passent le quatriéme degré'' ** Alfred Gideon Langley, footnote to Gottfried Wilhelm Leibniz, ''[https://books.google.com/books?id=JY2iT8f86AsC New Essays Concerning Human Understanding]'' (1916)<!--p.571, footnote 1--> Tr. Alfred Gideon Langley, citing Euvres complétes, ed. by Holmboe, 2 vols. Christiania, 1839 Vol. 1 pp. 5-24 and in Crelle, "Journ. f. Math.," 1826, Vol. 1 pp. 65-84.—TR * He was sent in 1815 to the cathedral school of Christiania, where he did not show any remarkable sign of progress, until 1818 when [[w:Bernt Michael Holmboe|M. Holmboe]], a newly-appointed professor of mathematics, afterwards the writer of Abel's life, and editor of his works, discovered his talent for mathematics, and aided him in pursuing those sciences beyond the elements. ** A. de M. ''The Biographical Dictionary of the Society for the Diffusion of Useful Knowledge'' (1842) [https://books.google.com/books?id=f5VUAAAAYAAJ Vol. 1, Issue 1] p. 99 * In the obituary published by Crelle, in his "Journal," he states distinctly that the large number of important memoirs which Abel had ready for publication was the immediate reason of the "Journal" being undertaken. ** A. de M. ''The Biographical Dictionary of the Society for the Diffusion of Useful Knowledge'' (1842) Vol. 1, Issue 1, p.99 * Nothing can be a severer trial to a mathematician's character than the publication of his loose papers; but, however crude the speculation, Abel is never lowered. He had read comparatively so little, that all which he has left bears the stamp of his own most original power; and there is not much which fails to leave the impression made on Legendre by his treatment of elliptic functions. ...The frankness of the acknowledgment made by Legendre, and the spirited manner in which the old man set to work to incorporate the new discoveries into his own books, will never be forgotten by any biographer of Abel. It is unnecessary to specify the particular methods of the latter; all who study the subject of elliptic functions are fully aware how much is due to him. ** A. de M. ''The Biographical Dictionary of the Society for the Diffusion of Useful Knowledge'' (1842) [https://books.google.com/books?id=f5VUAAAAYAAJ Vol. 1, Issue 1] p.100 * He appears to have fully developed in his own mind the subject of the separation of symbols of operation and quantity, not indeed to the extent of founding its results upon an algebraical theory, but to that of giving the theory a wider amount of application. He was a daring generalizer, and sometimes went too far: had he lived, he would have corrected some of his writings. And yet he appears to have been deeply impressed with the notion that a great part of mathematical analysis is rendered unsound by the employment of divergent series. ** A. de M. ''The Biographical Dictionary of the Society for the Diffusion of Useful Knowledge'' (1842) [https://books.google.com/books?id=f5VUAAAAYAAJ Vol. 1, Issue 1] p.100 * Niels Henrik Abel... wrote a series of mathematical papers that secures him a position among the greatest mathematicians of all time. In his ''Mémoire sur les équations algébriques...'' Abel proves the impossibility of solving general equations of the fifth and higher degrees by means of radicals. The paper was published at Oslo in 1824 at Abel's own expense. In order to save printing costs, he had to give the paper in a very summary form, which in a few places affects the lucidity of his reasoning. ** [[w:Øystein Ore|Øystein Ore]], "Abel On the Quintic Equation," in ''A Source Book in Mathematics'' (1929) ed. [[w:David Eugene Smith|David Eugene Smith]], article cites Abel's ''Mémoire sur les équations algébriques ou l'on démontre l'impossibilité de la resolution de l'équation générale du cinquième degré Œuvres complètes'', (Vol. I, Christiania (Oslo) 1881, p.28-33) * After the solutions of the third and fourth degrees had been found by [[Gerolamo Cardano|Cardano]] and [[w:Lodovico Ferrari|Ferrari]], the problem of solving the equation of the fifth degree had been the object of innumerable futile attempts by mathematicians of the 17th and 18th centuries. Abel's paper shows clearly why these attempts must fail, and opens the road to the modern [[w:Theory of equations|theory of equations]], including [[w:Group theory|group theory]] and the solution of equations by means of [[w:Transcendental function|transcendental functions]]. ** Øystein Ore, "Abel On the Quintic Equation," in ''A Source Book in Mathematics'' (1929) ed. David Eugene Smith * Abel proposed himself the problem of finding all equations solvable by radicals, and succeeded in solving all equations with [[w:Abelian group|commutative groups]], now called Abelian equations. Among Abel's other achievements are the discovery of the elliptic functions and their fundamental properties, his famous theorem on the integration of algebraic functions [and] theorems on power series. ** [[w:Øystein Ore|Øystein Ore]], "Abel On the Quintic Equation," in ''A Source Book in Mathematics'' (1929) ed. [[w:David Eugene Smith|David Eugene Smith]] * Having found a method differing from that of Ferrari for reducing the solution of the general biquadratic equation to that of a cubic equation, [[Leonard Euler|Euler]] had the idea that he could reduce the problem of the quintic equation to that of solving a biquadratic, and [[Joseph-Louis Lagrange|Lagrange]] made the same attempt. The failures of such able mathematicians led to the belief that such a reduction might be impossible. The first noteworthy attempt to prove that an equation of the fifth degree could not be solved by algebraic methods is due to [[w:Paolo Ruffini|Ruffini]] (1803, 1805), although it had already been considered by [[Carl Friedrich Gauss|Gauss]].<br />The modern theory of equations is commonly said to date from Abel and [[Évariste Galois|Galois]]. ...Abel showed that the roots of a general quintic equation cannot be expressed in terms of its coefficients by means of radicals. ** [[w:David Eugene Smith|David Eugene Smith]], ''History of Mathematics'' (1925) Vol. 2 * The mathematical sciences have sustained a great loss in the premature death of M. Abel, whose brilliant discoveries, when quite young, raised the highest expectations of the fruits of his maturer years. Although his labours are but partially known in this country, we hope that a short account of his life will not be unacceptable to our readers. Niels Henrik Abel was born... 1802 at Frindöe... where his father was a clergyman. He showed at first no marks of genius; but at the age of 16... his extraordinary talent for mathematics at once began to develop itself, and be rapidly studied [[Leonard Euler|Euler's]] Introduction to Analysis, his Differential and Integral Calculus, the works of [[w:Sylvestre François Lacroix|Lacroix]], [[w:Louis-Benjamin Francœur|Francœur]], Poisson, Gauss, and especially those of [[Joseph-Louis Lagrange|La Grange]]. He next entered the University of the same city. Having lost his father, and being without fortune, he availed himself of the assistance usually granted there to the poorer students; and, besides, had afterwards an allowance conferred on him by the Government. In I820 he published his first paper, intitled "A general method of finding functions of a variable quantity, a property of these functions being expressed by an equation between two variable quantities." Some time after be imagined he had succeeded in finding the general solution of equations of the fifth degree. Having perceived his error, be resolved not to desist until he had either accomplished that solution, or demonstrated the impossibility of the general solution of equations of a higher degree than the fourth. In the latter task he succeeded: his paper was printed in 1824, at Christiania, in the French language. At the recommendation of some Professors of Christiania, he now obtained from the Government an allowance for two years, in order to prosecute his studies abroad. Having spent the allotted time principally at Berlin and Paris, he returned to Christiania. During his absence from his country he published some excellent papers, among which those on Elliptic Functions, which have been honoured with the highest praise by the distinguished veteran Le Gendre, the discoverer of this branch of analysis. ...at the same time, and unknown to him, another young mathematician, Professor Jacobi of Königsberg... began to cultivate with the greatest success the same abstruse part of mathematical analysis. After his return to Christiania M. Abel had at first no regular appointment; and only a short time before his death he began to receive a fixed salary. Unfortunately, his assiduous labours, and the anxiety of mind caused by the uncertainty of his prospects, had undermined his delicate health; and his short career was suddenly terminated on the 6th of April, 1829... A very acceptable offer, made to him by the Prussian Government, of a Professorship in the University of Berlin, reached Christiania a few days after his death.<!--p.78--> ** [[w:Louis Nicolas Vauquelin|Louis Nicolas Vauquelin]], "Obituary.—M. Niels Henrik Abel." ''Philosophical Magazine'' (1830) [https://books.google.com/books?id=lXxDAQAAMAAJ Vol. 7] No. XXXVII. January == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{commons category|Niels Henrik Abel}} * [http://www.abelprize.no/c53672/seksjon/vis.html?tid=53910 Biographies and handwritten manuscripts] from the Abel Prize website {{DEFAULTSORT:Abel, Niels Henrik}} [[Category:Norwegian mathematicians]] [[Category:1829 deaths]] ofxea6vsrqnmp4yi734dsjk0oauu40y 0 192042 3153038 3099858 2022-08-09T23:06:10Z 2601:81:8500:E190:D841:69EB:AAAE:9024 /* Dialogue */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} [[File:Trolls - Alternative Logo.svg|thumb|It’s inside you! It’s inside of all of us! And I don’t think it. I feel it!]] '''''[[w:Trolls (film)|Trolls]]''''' is a 2016 American 3D computer-animated buddy romantic musical comedy film based on the dolls of the same name created by [[w:Thomas Dam|Thomas Dam]]. The film revolves around two trolls on a quest to save their village from destruction by the Bergens, creatures who devour trolls. Produced as the 33rd animated feature by [[w:DreamWorks Animation|DreamWorks Animation]], the film premiered on October 8, 2016 at the BFI London Film Festival, and was released in the United States on November 4, 2016 distributed by [[w:20th Century Fox|20th Century Fox]]. :''Directed by [[w:Mike Mitchell (director)|Mike Mitchell]] and [[w:Walt Dohrn|Walt Dohrn]]. Written by [[w:Jonathan Aibel and Glenn Berger|Jonathan Aibel, Glenn Berger]] and Erica Rivinoja.'' ==Dialogue== :'''Branch''': Why don't you try scrap booking them to freedom? :'''Poppy''': Solid burn, Branch. <hr width=60%> :''[Poppy puts a picture of Creek and she expands the pictures of her friends, then expands the tall picture of Cooper]'' :'''Poppy''': So special. Good night, Cooper. Good night, Smidge. Good night, Fuzzbert. Good night, Satin. Good night, Chenille. Good night, Biggie. Good night, DJ. Good night, Guy Diamond... ''[chuckles]'' Good night, Creek. ''[Taps the picture]'' Boop. :'''Branch''': ''[angrily]'' And good night, Poppy. <hr width=60%> :''[While the Bergens are looking for the trolls]'' :'''Prince Gristle Jr.''': Daddy, where are they? :'''King Gristle Sr.''': Don't just stand there! Make my son HAPPY! :'''Chef''': He will be <big>'''HAPPY!'''</big> <hr width=60%> :'''Poppy''': Satin, Chenille, sharp right! :'''Chenille''': Let's do it! :'''Satin''': Whoo! :'''Poppy''': Guy Diamond, glitter him! :'''Guy Diamond''': ''[autotune] Eat glitter! HAHA!'' <hr width=60%> :''[Poppy looks at the sky and her flower bracelet dings, meaning it's Hug Time. She looks at the bracelet, sits up, and looks at Branch, wanting to hug him]'' :'''Branch''': Don't. Even. Think About it. :''[Poppy's flower bracelet shuts down, then mumbles and looks at the starry sky.]'' :'''Poppy''': ''[singing] Stars shining bright above you.'' :'''Branch''': ''[sits up]'' Really? Seriously? More singing? :'''Poppy''': Yes, seriously! Singing helps me relax. Maybe you oughta try it. :'''Branch''': I don't sing, and I don't relax. This is the way I am, and I like it. I also like a little silence! :''[mandolin playing]'' :'''Poppy''': ''[singing]'' Hello darkness my old friend, I've come to talk with you again...'' :'''Spider''': Hello. :'''Poppy''': ''[continues singing]'' Because a vision softly creeping... Left its seeds while I was sleeping... And the vision that was planted in my brain, still remains. Within the sound... of silence. :'''Branch''': May I? ''[she gives him the mandolin, and he tosses it into the fireplace, then gets back into his sleeping bag]'' <hr width=60%> :''[That night at Bergen town]'' :'''King Gristle Sr.''': ''[off-screen]'' That's right! Take her away! ''[The Bergens takes her away]'' Get her out of her sight! ''[on-screen]'' She is hereby banished from Bergen Town Forever! :'''Chef''': We can all be happy again. I'll find the Trolls! ''[The Bergens kick her out]'' And shove them down your ungrateful throats. <hr width=60%> :''[Poppy and Branch are still walking to make it at Bergen town]'' :'''Poppy''': ''[scatting]'' :'''Branch''': Do you have to sing? :'''Poppy''': I always sing when I'm in a good mood. :'''Branch''': Do you have to be in a good mood? :'''Poppy''': Why wouldn't I be? By this time tomorrow, I'll be with all my friends. Ohh! I wonder what they're all doing right now. :'''Branch''': Probably being digested. <hr width=60%> :'''Branch''': I don't do high fives. :'''Cloud Guy''': Slap it, boss. :'''Branch''': Not gonna happen. :'''Cloud Guy''': Party on the top floor. :'''Branch''': Nope. :'''Cloud Guy''': Little slappy? Make Daddy happy? :'''Branch''': That's weird. :'''Cloud Guy''': Come on, just one little high 5! :'''Branch''': Oh, no thanks, I'm good. :'''Cloud Guy''': Look, just do this... ''[slaps his hand]'' ...But with YOUR hand. :'''Branch''': Thank you for the demonstration. Really cleared up exactly what I will NOT be doing. :'''Poppy''': Branch! It's a high 5! The others lead to certain DEATH! Get perspective! :''[pause]'' :'''Branch''': ''[growls under his breath]'' One high five and then you'll tell us which tunnel to take, right? :'''Cloud Guy''': So easy... :'''Branch''': ''[growls]'' Okay, fine! ''[tries to slap Cloud Guy's hand] :'''Cloud Guy''': ''[pulls his hand away]'' Whoop! Too slow! <hr width=60%> :'''Poppy''': They're alive, Branch, I know it! :'''Branch''': You don't know anything, Poppy. And I can't wait to see the look on your face when you realize the world isn't all cupcakes and rainbows. 'Cause it isn't. Bad things happen, and there's nothing you can do about it. :'''Poppy''': Hey, I know it's not all cupcakes and rainbows, but I'd rather go through life thinking that it mostly is instead of being like YOU. You don't sing, you don't dance...so gray all the time! What happened to you-- :'''Branch''': ''[puts a finger to her mouth]'' Shh! :'''Poppy''': ''[whispering]'' A Bergen? :'''Branch''': ''[whispering]'' Maybe. ''[walks ahead a little]'' :'''Poppy''': ''[stays where she is, looking around carefully, then realizes--]'' There's no Bergen, is there? You just said that so I'd stop talking! :'''Branch''': ''[still whispering]'' Maybe. <hr width=60%> :'''Cloud Guy''': I’m gonna let you slide with a fist bump. :''[as Branch goes to fist bump Cloud Guy starts doing all kinds of weird movements with his hand]'' :'''Cloud Guy''': [[w:Shark|Shark attack]]! Nom-nom-nom-nom. [[w:Jellyfish|Jellyfish]], hand [[w:Sandwich|sandwich]], [[w:Turkey (bird)|turkey]], [[w:Snowman|snowman]], [[w:Dolphin|dolphin]], [[w:Helicopter|helicopter]], [[w:Last Supper|last supper]], [[w:Monkey|monkey]] in a zoo. :'''Branch''': What? :'''Cloud Guy''': ''[covers Branch’s fist with his hand]'' Gearshift. ''[starts to pretend to be a car and change gears with Branch’s fist; then starts laughing]'' :'''Poppy''': ''[laughs as well. Branch glares at her and she stops laughing]'' :'''Cloud Guy''': Okay, okay, okay. Now I’m thinking we hug. ''[in anger, Branch breaks a stick in half, Cloud Guy’s body suddenly has thunder and lightning and starts to rain]'' <hr width=60%> :'''Guy Diamond''': Oh, boy. :'''Cooper''': Here we go again. :'''Biggie''': Oh, Branch. :'''Satin''': You always ruin everything. :'''Chenille''': Warning us about the Bergens. :'''Branch''': No I don't. ''[Flashback; during a birthday party when Branch had run in screaming]'' THE BERGENS ARE COMING!!! ''[pushes the birthday cake over and runs off]'' AAAHH!!! ''[During a wedding ceremony when he had run in screaming]'' THE BERGENS ARE COMING!!! ''[pushes the wedding cake over and runs off]'' AAAHH!!! ''[During a funeral when Branch had run in as well]'' THE BERGENS ARE COMING!!! ''[pushes the coffin over (instead of the funeral cake) and runs off]'' AAAHH!!! ''[Back at the present moment]'' :'''Poppy''': Come on, we haven't seen a Bergen in twenty years. They're not gonna find us! :'''Branch''': No, they’re not going to find me, because I’ll be in my highly camouflaged... heavily fortified, Bergen-proof survival bunker. <hr width=60%> :'''Prince Gristle Jr.''': I love it! ''[Applause from Bibbly, Chad, and Todd]'' :'''Bridget''': I think you look fat. :'''Prince Gristle Jr.''': What?! ''[They stare at Bridget]'' :'''Poppy''': "P-H phat". Then strike that pose! :'''King Gristle Jr.''': Hot lunch! Total Honesty from a total babe. ''[Holds Bridget's hand]'' And who might you be? :'''Poppy''': Your name is, uh...um, uh... :'''Biggie''': Lady! :'''Guy Diamond''': Glitter? :'''Smidge''': Sparkles! :'''Branch''': Seriously? :'''Bridget''': My name is Lady Glittersparkles. Seriously. :'''King Gristle Jr.''': Well, milady Glittersparkles, would you care to join for an evening at Captain Starfunkle's Roller Rink and Arcade? :'''Bridget''': Would I! ''[to Poppy]'' Would I? :'''Poppy''': Yes! You'd be delighted. :'''Bridget''': Yes! You'd be delighted. :'''King Gristle Jr.''': Oh! Indeed I would! <hr width=60%> :'''Satin, Chenille''': It's gonna be the biggest... :'''DJ Suki''': The loudest! :'''Cooper''': The craziest party ever! <hr width=60%> :'''Poppy''': We just got attacked by a Bergen! :'''Branch''': I knew it! : :'''Poppy''': It took Cooper, and Smidge, and Fuzzbert, and Satin and Chenille and Biggie, and Guy Diamond... and Creek! :'''Branch''': ''[rolls his eyes and shrugs]'' Eh. :'''Poppy''': Which is why I have to ask you... will you go to Bergen town with me and save everyone? <hr width=60%> :'''King Peppy''': No troll left behind! <hr width=60%> :'''Smidge''': ''[reapeated line]'' Oh my gah! <hr width=60%> :'''Branch''': Oh, no. Poppy! Hang on! ''[Branch gets a stick from a tree and gets two bugs and rips the web out of Poppy. He rubs the bugs together and Poppy's heart starts to pulsate]'' :'''Poppy''': ''Get back up again!'' Branch, my man, you were ''right'' on time. :'''Branch''': Oh, right, like you knew I was coming. :'''Poppy''': Yes. I figured after the third Hug Time, getting eaten by a Bergen wouldn't seem so bad. :'''Branch''': And I figured there was no way you could do this by yourself. Guess we were both right. :'''Poppy''': Hmm. All right! Let's do this! Sooner we get to Bergen town, sooner we can rescue everybody... <hr width=60%> :'''Poppy''': Don't you know anything about romance? :'''Branch''': Of course! I'm passionate about it. :'''Poppy''': Really? :'''Branch''': Don't you know anything about sarcasm? <hr width=60%> :'''Captain Starfunkle''': Enjoy your pizza. Here's your tokens. :'''Prince Gristle Jr.''': You're fantastic! :'''Poppy''': Bridget, compliment back! :'''Bridget''': I like your back. :'''Poppy''': No, I meant...say something nice about him. :'''Bridget''': But I do like his back. :'''Prince Gristle Jr.''': Huh? :'''Bridget''': Uh, eh... :'''Branch''': Poppy! Help her! :'''Poppy''': Uh... your eyes, they're... uh... ooh, your... ears..? :'''Biggie''': Nose! :'''Cooper''': Neck! :'''Satin, Chenille''': Skin! :'''Bridget''': Skin. Neck. Ears. Nose. Face. Back of your head. :'''Prince Gristle Jr.''': Are you okay? :'''Guy Diamond''': ''[autotune]'' Your teeeeeeeth. :'''Bridget''': Teeeeeeeth. :'''Prince Gristle Jr.''': What's going on? Are you making fun of me? <hr width=50%> :''[While rescuing her friends]'' :'''Poppy''': ''[singing]'' Looking up at a sunny sky, so shiny and blue and there's a butterfly!'' :''Well, isn't that a super fantastic sign? ''[As she stops, a spotted monster eats the butterfly, a taller polka dotted monster eats him, a group of tiny orange bug-like monsters fly by him, leaving only the bones behind, and a purple plant monster breathes fire on the bones of the monster, turning it into a pile of ash which he sucks up into his mouth. He turns to look at Poppy and growls. She stares back at him.]'' :''[singing nervously as she edges sideways]'' It's gonna be a fantastic day. ''[runs off]'' <hr width=50%> :''[After hearing Creek's story]'' :'''Poppy''': ''[shocked]'' No! Creek, please don't do this. :'''Creek''': Believe me... I wish there was some other me-not-getting-eaten way. :'''Chef''': But there isn't. :'''Creek''': And now I have to live with this for the rest of my life. At least you get to die with a clear conscience. So, in a way... ''[Poppy gets more shocked]'' you could say... I'm doing this for you. ''[he steals Poppy's cowbell away and touchs her noise]'' Boop! <hr width=50%> :''[When the trolls were trapped in the pot by the Bergens]'' :'''King Peppy''': ''[gasps]'' Poppy? ''[Poppy is turned away in depression, as King Peppy comes to hug her]'' Poppy, oh, thank goodness you're alright. :'''Poppy''': ''[after hugged]'' I'm doing great. ''[saddened]'' I've got everyone I love thrown in a pot, thanks for asking. :''[Branch then watches and is a bit surprised]'' :'''Biggie''': Poppy, are you being... sarcastic? :'''Poppy''': ''[angrily]'' '''Yes!''' :''[Everyone gasps]'' :'''Smidge''': ''[shocked]'' Oh my gah. :'''Poppy''': ''[remorseful, to the trolls]'' I'm sorry. I don't know why I'd thought I could save you. ''[to her father King Peppy]'' All I wanted was to do is keep everyone safe like you did, Dad. ''[trying not to cry but felt saddened]'' But I couldn't... :'''King Peppy''': ''[feeling sorry]'' Poppy... :'''Poppy''': ''[as she sadly turns away and walks slowly to the middle of the pot]'' I let everybody down. ''[she then falls on her knees]'' :'''Branch''': ''[sighs; also feeling sorry]'' But Poppy... :'''Poppy''': ''[hopelessly]'' You were right, Branch. The world isn't all cupcakes and rainbows. ''[moments later, her color begins to fade as the other Trolls watch, feeling saddened]'' :'''Biggie''': Poppy… :''[As Poppy's color has faded away, Guy Diamond, Cooper, Smidge, DJ Suki, Satin, Chenille, Biggie, Mr. Dinkles, Fuzzbert, King Peppy, and the rest of the other trolls also lose their colors as they lose hope. Branch watches this]'' <hr width=50%> <hr width=50%> <hr width=50%> :'''Poppy''': Happiness isn't something you put inside, it's ''already there!'' Sometimes you just... need someone to help you find it. :'''A Bergan''': Can I really be happy? :'''Poppy''': Of course! :''[Multiple Bergans start getting Poppy's message]'' :'''A Bergan''': Do you think ''I'' can be happy! :'''Poppy''': Yes! It's inside you, it's inside of ''all'' of us! And I don't think it... I ''feel'' it! <hr width=50%> :''[Very last lines, in the mid credits scene, Chef is seen again laying on the serving cart as it comes to a stop on top of a hill]'' :'''Creek''': Phew. :''[Chef grunts angrily as she sits up, then picks up Creek and lifts him towards her open mouth, about to him]'' :'''Creek''': ''[last words]'' But--wait, wait, wait-- :''[Just as Chef is about to eat Creek, there is a rumbling noise. The hill, which is in fact the same hill monster that tried to eat Poppy earlier, opens its mouth, and Chef and Creek fall in screaming. Then it closes its mouth again.]'' ==Cast== * [[Anna Kendrick]] as Poppy ** Iris Dohrn (baby) * [[Justin Timberlake]] as Branch ** Liam Henry (young) * [[Russell Brand]] as Creek * [[Zooey Deschanel]] as Bridget * [[w:James Corden|James Corden]] as Biggie * [[w:Gwen Stefani|Gwen Stefani]] as DJ Suki * [[w:Icona Pop|Icona Pop]] as Satin and Chenille * [[w:Ron Funches|Ron Funches]] as Cooper * [[w:Kunal Nayyar|Kunal Nayyar]] as Guy Diamond * [[w:GloZell|GloZell]] as Grandma Rosiepuff * Meg DeAngelis as Moxie Dewdrop * [[w:Ricky Dillon|Ricky Dillon]] as Aspen Heitz * Kandee Johnson as Mandy Sparkledust * [[w:Elle Fanning|Elle Fanning]] as Karen * [[w:Christine Baranski|Christine Baranski]] as Chef * [[John Cleese]] as King Gristle Sr. * [[w:Christopher Mintz-Plasse|Christopher Mintz-Plasse]] as Prince Gristle Jr. * [[w:Mike Mitchell (director)|Mike Mitchell]] as Darius, Vinny the Phone, Captain Starfunkle, Spider, Wedgie Bergen #1, Chad, Card * [[w:Walt Dohrn|Walt Dohrn]] as Smidge, Fuzzbert, Cloud Guy, Mr. Dinkles, Tunnel Troll, and Wedgie Bergen #2 * [[w:Jeffrey Tambor|Jeffrey Tambor]] as King Peppy * [[w:Quvenzhané Wallis|Quvenzhané Wallis]] as Harper * [[w:Grace Helbig|Grace Helbig]] as Cookie Sugarloaf ==External links== {{Wikipedia}} {{Commons category|Trolls (film)}} [[Category:2016 films]] [[Category:2010s American animated films]] [[Category:American computer-animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy films]] [[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]] [[Category:American children's animated musical films]] [[Category:Animated buddy films]] [[Category:Romantic comedy films]] [[Category:Troll films]] [[Category:Films directed by Mike Mitchell]] 7m0d6326qfejgoz8z0yy3zqjjuht8hp 0 192660 3152949 2723410 2022-08-09T16:38:40Z Philip Cross 7192 /* Quotes */ ce wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:El periodista británico Paul Mason, fotografiado en Madrid (cropped).jpg|thumb|[[w:Paul Mason (journalist)|Paul Mason]]]] '''[[w:Paul Mason (journalist)|Paul Mason]]''' (born 23 January 1960) is an [[w:English people|English]] journalist and broadcaster. He was Culture and Digital Editor of ''{{w|Channel 4 News}}'', becoming the programme's Economics Editor on 1 June 2014, a post he formerly held on {{w|BBC2}}'s ''{{w|Newsnight}}'' programme. He is the author of several books, and a [[w:Visiting scholar|visiting professor]] at the {{w|University of Wolverhampton}}. {{author-stub}} == Quotes == * [[Globalisation]] was an unstoppable natural process; free-market economics simply the natural state of things. But when the country that designed globalisation, imposed it and benefited from it most votes against it, you have to consider the possibility that it is going to end, and suddenly. If so, you also have to consider a possibility that – if you are a liberal, humanist democrat – may be even more shocking: that [[oligarchic]] [[nationalism]] is the default form of failing economies. ** [https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2016/dec/05/soviet-union-collapsed-overnight-western-democracy-liberal-order-ussr-russia "The Soviet Union collapsed overnight. Don’t assume western democracy will last forever"] ''{{w|The Guardian}}'' (5 December 2016). === ''{{w|PostCapitalism: A Guide to our Future}}'' (2015) === * An economy based on information, with its tendency to zero-cost products and weak property rights, cannot be a capitalist economy. * This new generation of networked people understand they are living through a third industrial revolution, but they are coming to realize why it has stalled: with the credit system broken, capitalism cannot sustain the scale of automation that is possible, and the destruction of jobs implied by the new technologies. * The economy is already producing and reproducing a networked lifestyle and consciousness, at odds with the hierarchies of capitalism. The appetite for radical economic change is clear. * A basic income paid for out of taxes on the market economy gives people the chance to build positions in the non-market economy. It allows them to volunteer, set up co-ops, edit Wikipedia, learn how to use 3D design software, or just exist. It allows them to space out periods of work; make a late entry or early exit from working life; switch more easily into and out of high-intensity, stressful jobs. Its fiscal cost would be high: that’s why all attempts to enact the measure separately from an overall transition project are likely to fail, despite the growing number of academic papers and global congresses dedicated to it. * What happens to the state? It probably gets less powerful over time – and in the end its functions are assumed by society. I’ve tried to make this a project usable both by people who see states as useful and those who don’t; you could model an anarchist version and a statist version and try them out. There is probably even a conservative version of postcapitalism, and good luck to it. * Once the Internet of Things is rolled out, we are at the real takeoff point of the information economy. From then on, the key principle is to create democratic social control over aggregated information, and to prevent its monopolization or misuse by states and corporations. * They are the working class 'sublated' – improved upon and replaced. They may be as clueless as to strategy as the workers of the early nineteenth century were, but they are no longer in thrall to the system. They are enormously dissatisfied with it. They are a group whose diverse interests converge on the need to make postcapitalism happen, to force the info-tech revolution to create a new kind of economy, where as much as possible is produced free, for collaborative common use, reversing the tide of inequality. Neoliberalism can offer them only a world of stagnant growth and state-level bankruptcy: austerity until death, but with an upgraded version of the iPhone every few years. And the freedom they cherish is perennially hemmed in by the neoliberal state – from the NSA’s mass surveillance techniques to those of the Chinese internet police. Above their heads, politics in many countries has become infested by a kleptocratic mafia, whose strategy is to deliver growth at the price of suppressing freedom and expanding inequality. === ''How do we fight the loudmouth politics of authoritarian populism?'' (21 November 2016) === :<small>''[https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2016/nov/21/how-do-we-fight-loudmouth-politics-authoritarianism-populism-paul-mason How do we fight the loudmouth politics of authoritarian populism]?'', ''{{w|The Guardian}}'' (21 November 2016)</small> * They are cynical about [[human rights]]. They don’t like [[immigrants]] or the [[European Union]]. They want the state to be strong and “defence”, generally, to mean attack. They are, basically, the racist grandad who is going to spoil your Christmas. These are the people pollsters have labelled “[[authoritarian]] {{w|populists}}”. * When [[Ronald Reagan|Reagan]] and [[Margaret Thatcher|Thatcher]] came to [[power]], "authoritarian [[populism]]" was a term academics used to describe their [[politics]]. Now it’s a phenomenon, growing rapidly, cutting across old definitions of [[Left-wing politics|left]] and [[w:Right-wing politics|right]], goes the argument. But it’s not so simple and the phenomenon is not new. The term "authoritarian populist" is a construct that, if we are not careful, could blind us to the real roots of centrism’s sudden [[crisis]] – and to the answers. * For the big-mouthed [[racist]] right, theirs is a [[rebellion]] in favour of [[order]]. For them, as in the 1930s, all variations – of gender, race or [[sexuality]] – have to be interpreted as the strong versus the weak. They love the theatre of the mass rally, where the charismatic leader – the magic helper, as [[Erich Fromm|Fromm]] called him – can browbeat them so hard with illogic, that when "experts" confront them with the facts it does not matter. == External links == {{Wikipedia}} {{Commons category|Paul Mason (journalist)}} * [https://twitter.com/paulmasonnews Paul Mason on Twitter] * [http://frontlineclub.com/events/2009/04/insight-with-paul-mason-financial-meltdown-and-the-end-of-the-age-of-greed.html Mason at London's Frontline Club, 23 April 2009] * [http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/programmes/newsnight/default.stm Official website of BBC's ''Newsnight'' programme] * [http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/programmes/newsnight/3094397.stm Paul Mason bio on BBC website] * [http://www.liveworkingordiefighting.co.uk/ Website of Live Working or Die Fighting] * [http://www.paulmason.typepad.com/ Website of Meltdown, the End of the Age of Greed] * [http://www.democracynow.org/2010/9/24/paul_mason_on__live_working Mason on ''Live Working or Die Fighting: How the Working Class Went Global''] - video interview by ''{{w|Democracy Now!}}'' * [http://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/tvandradio/8923857/Newsnights-Paul-Mason-puts-the-case-for-rioters.html Daily Telegraph] * [http://www.metamute.org/editorial/articles/rip-roaring-markets-and-massive-inequality-interview-paul-mason Interview Mute magazine 2012] * [http://www.cbc.ca/radio/ideas/the-end-of-capitalism-1.3334348 Interview with Canadian Broadcasting Corporation - Ideas with Paul Kennedy - Posted 25 Nov 2015] {{DEFAULTSORT:Mason, Paul}} [[Category:1960 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Academics from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Trotskyists]] [[Category:English educators]] [[Category:English journalists]] [[Category:Radio personalities]] [[Category:People from Manchester]] 2ml3dm3dd22cxmrwpqj0cl6f7l37n70 0 192960 3153102 3127044 2022-08-10T02:14:04Z 172.58.236.203 /* If All Else Fails [3.08] */ wikitext text/x-wiki ---- :'''Seasons:''' [[Ben 10 (2005) (season 1)|1]] [[Ben 10 (2005) (season 2)|2]] [[Ben 10 (2005) (season 3)|3]] [[Ben 10 (2005) (season 4)|4]] | [[Ben 10 (2005 TV series)|Main]] | ''[[Ben 10: Alien Force|Alien Force]]'' ([[Ben 10: Alien Force (season 1)|1]] [[Ben 10: Alien Force (season 2)|2]] [[Ben 10: Alien Force (season 3)|3]]) / ''[[Ben 10: Ultimate Alien|Ultimate Alien]]'' ([[Ben 10: Ultimate Alien (season 1)|1]] [[Ben 10: Ultimate Alien (season 2)|2]] [[Ben 10: Ultimate Alien (season 3)|3]]) / ''[[Ben 10: Omniverse|Omniverse]]'' ([[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 1)|1]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 2)|2]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 3)|3]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 4)|4]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 5)|5]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 6)|6]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 7)|7]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 8)|8]]) / [[Ben 10 (2017 TV series)|''Ben 10'' (2017 Reboot)]] ---- The following is a list of quotes from the third season ''[[Ben 10: Alien Force]]''. == ''Vengeance of Vilgax'' == === Part 1 [3.01] === :'''Vilgax''': Where is he? Where is Ultimo? :'''Ultimos''': Right here Vilgax (''flies at him'') and rest assured you will pay dearly for your craven attack on my teammates. The Galactic Code of Conduct- (''punches the Shield of Ziegel; Vilgax knees Ultimos, then slams him down'') :'''Vilgax''': The Galactic Code of Conduct says that a conqueror's challenge is between the greatest warrior of the attacking race and the greatest warrior of the planet under attack. That's me...and you. Your teammates cheated, but that won't change the outcome. :'''Ultimos''': I am the most powerful hero on this planet. I'll perish before I let it fall into your hands. :'''Vilgax''': Yes....you will (''blasts him with the Ruby Ray of Ulo)''). I salute you. Few have withstood in assault from the Ruby Ray of Roleau. :'''Ultimos''': (''groaning'') I... can't... let you... win. <hr width="50%"/> :''[a commercial announces a "Sumo Slammers" movie]'' :'''Ben''': ''[In a girlish voice]'' AAAAAAAAAHHH! ''[Covers mouth in embarressment]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gwen''': This would be a lot easier if Ben was here... like he promised... an hour ago! :'''Kevin''': Guess that fancy watch of his doesn't keep good time. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gwen''': Well, i'm really sorry to disturb you, Ben. I-It's just that you're late for our mission and the bad guy is kicking our butts. So if it's not too much trouble, hero up and get over here! :'''Ben''': Uh, sorry, Gwen. Guess I just forgot. :'''Gwen''': NOW! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gwen''': Guys, focus! Bad guy on the loose! :'''Cannonbolt''': It's not a problem, Gwen. Creeps like this... Um what's your name? :'''Ssserpent''': I am Ssserpent, the snake that walks like a man. :'''Cannonbolt''': (''repeatedly rolls over Ssserpent'') Is it okay if I call you "Roadkill, the snake that only made it halfway across the street"? :'''Ssserpent''': Ughhh... :'''Cannonbolt''': I'll take that as a "yes". <hr width="50%"/> :'''Manny''': Shotgun! I called it! :'''Helen''': You're already riding shotgun. Why do you keep calling it over and over? :'''Manny''': Because it's fun to yell shotgun. Shotgun! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Psyphon''': No power on this pitiful planet can breach my force field. All within may bear witness to the historic events about to unfold. The master comes. (''lightning strikes and Vilgax appears'') :'''Vilgax''': People of Earth. I am Vilgax. Shortly you will know me as your master. :'''Psyphon''': Pursuant to the Galactic Code of Conduct, Lord Vilgax challenges this planet's greatest protector to a trial by combat. To the victor - the Earth. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Vilgax''': The Galactic Code of Conduct says that a Conqueror's Challenge is between the greatest warrior of the attacking race and the greatest warrior of the planet under attack. That's me... and you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Helen''': (''to Cooper'') How many times do I have to tell you? Watch out for the laser beams. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Manny''': Put me down! :'''Vilgax''': Precisely my intention. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Psyphon''': (''after blowing up a street'') If you distract me again, I shall not be so merciful. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gwen''': I'm not kidding Ben. I'm really mad at you! :'''Ben''': But you won't stay mad at me. I'm adorable. :'''Gwen''': You're completely full of yourself! :'''Ben''': Which is forgivable because I'm so adorable. :'''Gwen''': You were late for a mission. Kevin and I could've been killed! :'''Kevin''': And I don't think you're adorable, I think you're obnoxious. (''Gwen and Ben look at him surprised'') Obnoxious. That's what Gwen used to call me all the time. Am I using it right? :'''Gwen''': Couldn't have said it better myself. :'''Kevin''': You've been obnoxious ever since you- :'''Ben''': Saved the whole entire universe? :'''Kevin''': See, you're doing it again. :'''Gwen''': Obnoxious. :'''Ben''': After stopping the Highbreed invasion, I think we deserve to enjoy our success. :'''Gwen''': Ugh. :'''Ben''': So lighten up. Have a smoothie on me. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': OK. Here's a smoothie on you. (''pours her smoothie on Ben; Gwen and Kevin both laugh'') :'''Ben''': I hope you like pineapple. (''gets ready to pour his smoothie on Gwen'') :'''Gwen Tennyson''': (''backing away'') Come on Ben, this is a new shirt. <hr width=50%> :'''Max''': Bad news Ben. Vilgax is back. :'''Ben''': You're kidding me. Last time I threw him into space. :'''Max''': I'm sure he remembers. Vilgax has issued a conqueror's challenge to you. :'''Kevin''': Ben can't accept that! :'''Ben''': Sure I can. What is it? :'''Max''': The Galvans set it up to limit the destruction caused by interplanetary wars. Rather than risk mass destruction, both planets can choose a single warrior to represent them. The winner becomes the ruler of both worlds. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ben''': ''[Referring to Max's team]'' Those are the rookies! We're the A-team! We defeated the Highbreed and- :'''Kevin and Gwen''': ''[Annoyed]'' -Saved the whole entire universe! :'''Gwen''': We know! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Azmuth''': It is only very recently that Ben has strayed from the hero's path. :'''Ben''': But I saved... :'''Azmuth''': I know what you have achieved. That is the only reason that I allow you to keep the Omnitrix. My hope is that you'll grow into the role, but the full power cannot be entrusted to you. Do not tamper with the Omnitrix, Ben Tennyson. You are not ready. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ben''': (''looks at Kevin's equipment'') What's that for? :'''Kevin''': You know your Omnitrix? :'''Ben''': Yeah? :'''Kevin''': We're gonna hack it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kevin''': I've been, uh, acquiring stuff we need to fix the Omnitrix for months. :'''Ben''': Years, if you count back to when you were trying to steal it from me. :'''Kevin''': (''friendly warning'') Let it go, Ben. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gwen''': Are you sure you know what you're doing? :'''Kevin''': As much as ever. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gwen''': (''as Ben tries to hack the Omnitrix'') Ben, uh, that doesn't look right. Turn it off! :'''Kevin''': Never mind that. It's overloading! Dump the watch! :'''Ben''': It'll take too long! Run for it! Both of you! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Azmuth''': This is no time for jests, Ben Tennyson. My disappointment with you is great. :'''Kevin''': Yeah. The line starts over here. === Part 2 [3.02] === :'''Gwen''': (''as Chromastone and Spidermonkey walked away'') Ben! Come back! Uh, both of you! :'''Ben''': (''emerges from the rubble'') What are you talking about? I'm right here. (''spots Goop as it flies away'') ... and over there. Okay what's going on here? :'''Gwen''': That's what I was gonna say. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kevin''': It's not working. It must be feedback from the watch like the last time. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ben''': Gwen, look at this. It must have been the explosion. I'm missing Chromastone, Goop, Spidermonkey and Way Big. How'd he manage to sneak away? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Azmuth''': Ben Tennyson, I warned you of the consequences of tampering with the Omnitrix. :'''Ben''': I was just trying to... :'''Azmuth''': ...to defy my instructions. Well, you have succeeded! The escaped geno archetypes... :'''Ben''': The what? :'''Azmuth''': Your transformations. They will perish if they aren't restored to the Omnitrix in 24 hours and if they do, their powers will be lost to you forever! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Azmuth''': You have disappointed me, Ben Tennyson. I shall not help you again. :'''Ben''': You call that help?! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kevin''': Let me bring you up to speed, hero. Thanks to you, I can't turn back. I'm a monster. :'''Ben''': I'm sorry, Kevin. I didn't know. I was just kidding around. :'''Gwen''': (''to Kevin'') Stop saying that. You're not a monster! (''touches Kevin's hand'') Use your powers. Absorb my skin. :'''Kevin''': I'm trying. It doesn't work. I'm trapped like this forever. :'''Ben''': We found Chromastone. :(''Ben, Gwen and Kevin come upon Chromastone bashing away at an amusement park ride'') :'''Ben''': I'm not quite the smooth talker he used to be. :'''Gwen''': Without your guiding intelligence… :'''Ben''': Thank you! :'''Gwen''': …such as it is, Chromastone's nothing but instinct. :'''Kevim''': What now? :'''Ben''': Um, here Chromastone! (''whistles'') Good Chromastone! :'''Kevin''': (''sarcastically'') Oh, yeah. There's your guiding intelligence in action. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ben''': This is a job for… Humungousaur! (''transforms into Upchuck instead'') :'''Upchuck''': (''sighs'') Or Upchuck. Upchuck is good. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gwen''': Vilgax has beaten the greatest heroes of 10 worlds. :'''Ben''': I’m not worried. I beat him when I was just a kid. :'''Gwen''': You should be worried. Those heroes he beat -- now he has all their powers, too. :'''Kevin''': Not to mention that your Omnitrix is busted. :'''Ben''': You broke it! :'''Kevin''': ''You'' broke it, and turned me into this! :'''Ben''': Kind of an improvement, if you ask me. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The team gets caught in Spidermonkey's spider web and Spidermonkey ties up Gwen]'' :'''Kevin''': He's gonna lay eggs in Gwen's head! And when they hatch, they'll eat her brain! :'''Ben''': That's ridiculous. :'''Kevin''': What? You've laid eggs before. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The team have located Goop which he's under the sewer]'' :'''Kevin''': Got one. We’re right on top of it. :'''Ben''': Try not to hit it with your car this time. :'''Gwen''': You sure Goop's down there? :'''Ben''': It's a sewer. Of course there's goop down there. :'''Gwen''': So not in the mood! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Down in the sewer]'' :'''Ben''': Phew! Smells like a sewer down here! :'''Gwen''': I'm not kidding, Ben! No more sewer jokes! :'''Ben''': Smells like a plan to me. ''[Gwen hits him]'' OW! Hey, I wonder if there are any alligators down here. :'''Kevin''': Alligators? :'''Ben''': Yeah. I heard that people get baby alligators as pets and flush them down the toilet. They grow gigantic in the sewers! :'''Kevin''': Maybe I should go up and guard the exit. :'''Ben''': Ooooohhhh! Big tough Kevin is scared of alligators! :'''Gwen''': There are no alligators. That's just an urban myth. :'''Kevin''': Yeah, and ''we're'' supposed to be an urban myth too and anyway, you're scared of spiders. :'''Gwen''': ''[Frightened]'' Are there spiders down here? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kevin''': Are you sorry you blew us up? :'''Swampfire''': Her, maybe. You, not so much. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Psyphon''': People of Earth, today's contest is being broadcast simultaneously on all information channels. Be forewarned - the Conqueror's Challenge is a courtesy. Vilgax's fleet is currently in orbit around this planet. Should your champion fail to show, Vilgax will declare victory and obliterate the Earth as is his legal right. :'''Jetray''': And if Vilgax chickens out, I win, right? Will you have to work for me, after, because... I really hate mowing the lawn? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Vilgax''': Ben 10, I've come to kill you and conquer your world. Is now a bad time? Are you ready to die, Ben? :'''Jetray''': Can we skip the threats and get to the "fight" part? There's a Sumo Slammers marathon at eight, and I forgot to set the DVR (''Vilgax swings his sword at him''). I'll take that as a "yes". <hr width="50%"/> :'''Diamondhead''': Diamondhead! You're in trouble Vilgax. I've had a lot of practice with this one. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Max''': By the rules of the galactic code, as ratified by the Casey-Kelly accords, you have lost this contest. You must leave this world, and never attack it again. Do you acknowledge? :'''Vilgax''': I do, but know this Ben Tennyson. I will have my vengeance upon you. :'''Ben''': Sure thing. Get outta here. ==''Inferno'' [3.03]== :'''Ben Tennyson''': I'm just saying we should hurry. Grandpa Max wants us to check out those things. :'''Kevin Levin''': Another half hour. Less if I kick in the ramjets. :'''Ben Tennyson''': You have ramjets? :'''Gwen Tennyson''': No ramjets. Trying to sleep. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ben Tennyson''': The car won't fit. We'll have to go on foot. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': There must be another way. :'''Kevin Levin''': What are you? Claustrophobic? :'''Gwen Tennyson''': I am so not claustrophobic! I just can't stand being in very tight enclosed spaces, okay! You got a problem with that?! :'''Ben Tennyson''': I'll go first. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ben Tennyson''': Well, that's unnerving. :'''Kevin Levin''': So? What's the big deal if they eat a few rocks? :'''Ben Tennyson''': (''concerned for Kevin and his stone arm'') Looked in a mirror lately? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ben Tennyson''': (''after Kevin uses his car's jets to land'') Cool! :'''Kevin Levin''': Yeah, but that can't be good for the suspension. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Grandpa Max''': Those are Pyroxivores. I haven't seen one in years. :'''Kevin Levin''': How come we've never heard of 'em? :'''Grandpa Max''': Kid, there's lots of species here on Earth you won't find in any book. That's where fairy tales come from. Unicorns, Trolls, Pixies, they're all real. :'''Kevin Levin''': Even Bigfoot? :'''Grandpa Max''': ''[laughs]'' Don't be ridiculous. That's a guy in a suit! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Vulkanus''': Who dares intrude on the lair of the... (''sees Ben and the gang'') Aw, not you again! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kevin Levin''': (''speaking of the Pyroxivores'') They tried to eat my hand. :'''Moldywarp''': You shouldn't let 'em do that. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ben Tennyson''': (''to his friends'') Come on. We hammered these losers last time. (''to Vulkanus'') Is that all you got? :(''2 huge machines move forward'') :'''Gwen Tennyson''': You had to ask. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Vulkanus''': (''dodges mana aiming for his head'') Somebody do something about her! :'''Moldywarp''': Haha! (''tosses bombs at Vulkanus's henchmen'') :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Harsh... :'''Moldywarp''': Ahah! I blows 'em up all the time! (''tosses another bomb, explodes'') I thinks they likes it! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ben Tennyson''': It's hero time, tin man! (''Tries to transform, but the Omnitrix fails to activate'') Maybe my watch is fast. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ben Tennyson''': Hero time! Humungousaur! (''Slaps the Omnitrix, but does not change'') Humungousaur! (''Tries again and fails to change, the Pyroxivors charge towards Ben; Starts slapping the Omnitrix repeatedly; panicking'') Humungousaur, Humungousaur, Humungousaur! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ben Tennyson''': (''gets up after being knocked down'') Ugh! With you in a minute! (''transforms into Brainstorm'') :'''Brainstorm''': Brainstorm? Bewildering. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kevin Levin''': (''after Brainstorm saves him from the Pyroxivos'') Those cow things bit me! :'''Brainstorm''': Precisely why I chose to surround them with the metal rail. I observed that they only eat stone. :'''Kevin Levin''': Lucky me. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Spidermonkey isn't strong enough to catch something that heavy. :'''Spidermonkey''': No, but I know someone who is. (''activates the Omnitrix'') :'''Jetray''': Humungousaur! (''groans when he realizes that it's Jetray'') Ugh! I really have to get that fixed. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Cloaking field gives me a headache. :'''Kevin Levin''': Speeding tickets give me a headache. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ben Tennyson''': Dark. :'''Kevin Levin''': No problem. ''[strikes match; reading]'' T...N...T... ''[Gwen realizes what Kevin just said, and blows out the match]'' What did you do that for? ''[strikes another match, but Ben blows the other match out]'' Cut it out! :'''Ben Tennyson''': You cut it out! The room's filled with dynamite! You almost blew us up! :'''Kevin Levin''': How was I supposed to know? :'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[sarcastically]'' I don't know. Reading? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Vulkanus''': And before you know it, I have all the comforts of home. :'''Kevin Levin''': Wait, home? Where you come from, on a cool day it's 850 degrees. :'''Vulkanus''': Uh huh. <hr width="50%"/> :(''Kevin's car comes to a stop'') :'''Ben Tennyson''': Now what? :(''the ground beneath them starts to give way'') :'''Kevin Levin''': You had to ask. == ''Fool's Gold'' [3.04]== :'''Ben Tennyson''': Alien Spring Break! :'''Grandpa Max''': Right...but this time one of the aliens has gone missing. I need you three to find him. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kevin Levin''': Hooligans. Heh, and from the looks of it...amateurs. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mayor Coleman''': Ya didn't see any aliens. It was swamp gas. (''laughs'') :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Please. :'''Mayor Coleman''': Mass hysteria? Weather balloons? :'''Kevin Levin''': Save it. We're Plumbers. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Orb''': My name is Orb. My mom and dad told me that if I ever got into any trouble on Earth, I should call Max Tennyson. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Good advice. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Orb''': Gold is what happens when we eat popcorn. In that form, his waste is uranium 1412. :'''Kevin Levin''': Unstable radioactive poop? :'''Orb''': Yes, so whatever you do, don't step in the uranium! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ben Tennyson''': Look at this place ''[noting the abandoned city]'' :'''Kevin Levin''': Sure, these farmers must be rollin' in- :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Kevin! ''[a little ticked]'' :'''Kevin Levin''': I was gonna say dough. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Kevin, are you avoiding me? :'''Kevin Levin''': Nah. I just love hanging out with your cousin. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Alien''': I...have had...like...so much popcorn... <hr width="50%"/> :(''as the aliens cavort in a popcorn-filled swimming pool'') :'''Kevin Levin''': I've seen a lot of strange, messed up things. ''[wiping popcorn off his shoulder]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': How does this rank? :'''Kevin Levin''': It's up there. :'''Ben Tennyson''': I don't know. It seems pretty laid back for Spring Break. :(''the aliens start smashing the windows of a greenhouse'') :'''Kevin Levin''': Laid back? :'''Ben Tennyson''': Could be worse. :'''Alien''': House-tipping! Everybody tip the house! :'''Ben Tennyson''': Okay, is worse. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kevin Levin''': (''hands Gwen a pendant'') Here. This is from... :'''Gwen Tennyson''': ...that day at the pier. :'''Kevin Levin''': Wanted you to have something to remember me... the way I used to be. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Kevin, you know I don't care what you look like. :'''Kevin Levin''': Maybe not, but I do. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kevin Levin''': Busted at Spring Break. Yeah, I've been there. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mayor Coleman''': Okay, you got us. Every 17 years we make some popcorn and shovel up the gold. Our entire economy is based on alien... :'''Kevin Levin''': (''cough'') Poop. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Wrong on so many levels. (''rolls her eyes'') <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ben Tennyson''': Two spaceships left. One is yours. The other on must be Decka's. :'''Orb''': He's STILL here! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kevin Levin''': See?! This is why everybody hates Politicians! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Orb''': (''about Decka'') Don't hurt him! He's still my best friend! :'''Gwen Tennyson''': We'll try. :'''Kevin Levin''': She'll try. I'm not promising anything. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Orb''': My people CAN'T eat meat or we revert into our primal form - a mindless monster. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Can we change him back? :'''Orb''': Don't have to. He'll only stay in that form as long as he keeps eating. :'''Big Chill''': So...good news. :'''Kevin Levin''': (''dubiously'') Sure. Give us the rest of it. :'''Orb''': The thing is, this form is only the beginning. He's going to consume all the meat he can find. Then when he's enriched enough fissionable material, he's going to reproduce! :'''Big Chill''': Meaning... :'''Orb''': He's going to split in a hundred identical copies! Then they'll go off and eat everything THEY can find! :'''Big Chill''': How many times can he do that? :'''Orb''': Ever wonder what happened to Mars? It used to be called "the Popcorn Planet." <hr width="50%"/> :'''Big Chill''': I thought he was going to look for meat. He's at the power plant. :'''Orb''': Ooh. Bad. :''[Monster Decka reaches the power plant and starts absorbing the power]'' :'''Orb''': He's absorbing the power. Once he's got enough energy, he's going to divide! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Decka picks up the Echo Echoes and starts eating them]'' :'''Echo Echo''': Bite me! Bite me! Bite me! Bite me! :'''Gwen Tennyson''': The Echo Echoes are made of silicon. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Do you have any other ideas? :'''Orb''': Yes. Evacuate the planet. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ben Tennyson''': (''vomited up by Decka'') That was different. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kevin Levin''': Got greedy huh? Decided to have your own personal Goldmaker? (''laughs'') Make... (''chuckles'') I'm funny. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': I don't get it. :'''Kevin Levin''': Like make a #2? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Are you hurt? :'''Kevin Levin''': (''sarcastically'') No, I like being blown up. :(''Gwen lets Kevin fall'') <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ben Tennyson''': Sorry that this happened. We'll make sure the mayor is punished. :'''Decka''': ''[annoyed with anger]'' Your whole worthless planet should be punished! Come on, Orb. ''[he and Orb get into their pod ships; to Mayor Coleman]'' I'm telling everyone. We are never coming back to this dump, AGAIN! ==''Simple'' [3.05]== :'''Ben Tennyson''': There you guys are! I've been looking for ya all morning. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': We know, we got the 50 messages you left. :'''Ben Tennyson''': It wasn't 50! :'''Kevin Levin''': It was 50 each. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kevin Levin''': Not that I'm even considering it, but how do you plan to stop a war? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kevin Levin''': I can't believe we're doing this! Everybody hates war, but nobody ever does anything about it. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Maybe that's because there's never been anybody like me before. :'''Kevin Tennyson''': ''[sarcastic]'' Oh right! The great Ben 10 is going to solve everything in one weekend. :'''Ben Tennyson''': It's a three-day weekend! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kevin Levin''': Okay, I vote we turn around and head home. Gwen can still make karate practice and, as a bonus, I don't have to get shot at. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Except we'd be throwing away a little girl's hope for a world without war. :'''Kevin Levin''': Life is full of disappointments. What is she, five? Past time she learned. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lodestar''': (''calling for Humongousaur but getting...'') Lodestar! Oh, man. This is no time to shake down a new guy. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Argit''': Hey! Finders keepers. Let go of my- Kevin! Long time no see, you look different. Did you cut your hair? :'''Kevin Levin''': ...No. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Nice little racket you've got here. :'''Kevin Levin''': I can explain. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': You're making money off other people's misery? :'''Kevin Levin''': Okay, I don't have to explain. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Argit''': (''sadly, after a truce has been declared'') It was the best scam I ever worked. :'''Kevin Levin''': Don't worry. They'll be shooting at each other again in no time. :'''Argit''': You're just saying that to make me feel better. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Red Leader''': Say, did you call me an idiot? :'''Blue Leader''': No! You're underqualified! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kevin is crying because he lost the money of his and Argit's scam]'' :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Kevin, are you crying? Oh, you do have a heart! :'''Kevin Levin''': ''[sobbing]'' Yeah, that's what poor people have instead of money. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ben Tennyson''': That's right, Ben 10, and I've come all this way to tell you that war just isn't cool. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Argit''': Here you are, gentlemen, the finest blasters money can buy. (''getting paid'') Much appreciated, and death to the red guys. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Argit''': Death to the blue guys, and have a nice day. <hr width="50%"/> :(''Partnering up as arms dealers, Kevin catches Argit hoarding a little gold for himself'') :'''Argit''': Aw, come on! Cut me a little slack, will ya? :'''Kevin Levin''': Why not? We're in a growth industry, aren't we? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Swampfire''': Nobody's leaving this cave until you work out a peace treaty. :'''Red Leader''': Impossible! :'''Blue Leader''': That's what I told him! :(''Swampfire chases them deeper into the cave with a fireball before reverting to Ben'') :'''Blue Leader''': (''coming back out with Red Leader'') Uh...Ben 10? :'''Ben Tennyson''': That was fast. Did you work out something? :'''Blue Leader''': Uh, no. We just want to know when lunch is. :'''Ben Tennyson''': There's not going to be any lunch... or dinner... not till you two come up with a peace treaty! :'''Red Leader''': You can't do that! (''Ben scowls'') Eh... e-e-easy, Ben 10. Violence never accomplishes anything. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Probity''': Dear Mr. Ben 10, I don't have a home now. I have to work double time at the factory, and it's all your fault. I finally found something I hate more than war – you! == ''Vreedle, Vreedle'' [3.06]== :'''Octagon Vreedle''': What do I keep telling you, Boid, if we destroy it we won't get paid. And that would be...? :'''Rhomboid Vreedle''': ...Bad? :'''Octagon Vreedle''': That is correct. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Octagon Vreedle''': We're the Vreedle brothers ma'am, providing quality service for all repossession needs throughout the galaxy. No questions asked. :'''Rhomboid Vreedle''': Mmhmm, because we're what you call, "Uncurious". <hr width="50%"/> :'''Octagon Vreedle''': Let me do all the talking here, boy. Delicate sitchyations such as these require a certain procedural acumen, which I happen to be well-versed. :'''Rhomboid Vreedle''': Uhhh... :'''Octagon Vreedle''': Just be cool, man. Be cool! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Octagon Vreedle''': Now, can you see how one might construe that there reaction of yours as a tad bit excessive, if not wholly unnecessary? :'''Rhomboid Vreedle''': Oh, I'm just as sorry as I can be, Octagon. You know how much I like to blow stuff up good. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[about the court order]'' Just a bunch of alien mumbo jumbo. :'''Kevin Levin''': No, it's legit alright. ''[Ben looks at Kevin]'' What? I used to do a lot of repo work back in the Null Void. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kevin Levin''': Repo boot - I know how to get 'em off. :'''Ben Tennyson''': This does not surprise me. I'll stall them. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Octagon Vreedle''': What do I keep telling you, Boid? If we destroy it, we won't get paid, and that would be... :'''Rhomboid Vreedle''': (''long pause'') Bad. :'''Octagon Vreedle''': That is correct. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jetray''': I'll wrap this up fast with Humungousaur. (''activates Omnitrix'') :'''Echo Echo''': Echo Echo. Oh, man. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Julie Yamamoto''': (''to Ship'') We're not going to let them take you. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Somebody could use him as a weapon. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': And you don't want Julie to lose her pet, either. Right, Ben? :'''Ben Tennyson''': Oh. Sure. That, too. :'''Julie Yamamoto''': (''sarcastically'') That sounded sincere. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rhomboid Vreedle''': Can I blow him up real good now, Octagon? :'''Octagon Vreedle''': No, Boid. We needs him or we don't get paid. Just blow him up a little bit. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ben Tennyson''': This looks like that spaceship we borrowed from that guy on the moon that time. :'''Kevin Levin''': Yeah... :'''Ben Tennyson''': You told him you were gonna give it back! :'''Kevin Levin''': And I will...eventually. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Octagon Vreedle''': And now, if you will excuse us, we'll be moseying along, since there ain't nothing you can do to... (''Gwen puts them in a forcefield'') This is a predicament I did not anticipate. <hr width="50%"/> :''[in the borrowed spaceship]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': What's this button for? :'''Kevin Levin''': Did I not mention this' a rental? :'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[Sees asteroids in front of them]'' Incoming! :'''Kevin Levin''': ''[tries to dodge them]'' Now what you wanna do is- ''[Ben presses the button, the ship fires at the asteroids]'' That? <hr width="50%"/> :''[At Bellwood, Mr. Smoothie]'' :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Of course he does! You heard him. Ship's a powerful weapon. :''[Back in the spaceship]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': What is it with her and that "dog" anyway? :'''Kevin Levin''': You guys found it on your first date right? :'''Ben Tennyson''': I don't think that has anything to do with it. :'''Kevin Levin''': ''[smiles]'' Yeah? Keep thinking. You get better with practice. :''[Back at Bellwood, Mr Smoothie]'' :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Kevin? ''[chuckles]'' Oh please! If it isn't about his car... excuse me, his "ride", or some alien tech, he's pretty much oblivious. :''[Back in the spaceship]'' :'''Kevin Levin''': Nah, Gwen's cool. On your left! ''[Ben destroys another asteroid]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': Complicated? :''[Back at Bellwood, Mr. Smoothie]'' :''[Back the spaceship]'' :'''Ben & Kevin''': Girls! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Gwen has blasted the Vreedles]'' :'''Octagon Vreedle''': She has painfully set us on our backside, Boid. :'''Rhomboid Vreedle''': Mmhmm, she most certainly needs aggressive blowin' up. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Octagon Vreedle''': Now, I'm gonna ask again nicely: everyone back away from the glob! ''[Rhomboid backs away]'' Not you! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kevin Levin''': Okay, here's how it's gonna go down. I've got loads of experience in a courtroom setting. :'''Ben Tennyson''': As a defendant. :'''Kevin Levin''': So just follow my lead. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Who's the hero here? Hello! Omnitrix bearer. They'll listen to me before they listen to criminal mastermind Kevin Levin. :'''Kevin Levin''': Mastermind? ''[turns his face and smirks at Ben]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Judge Domstol''': You do not eat children! Yes, they're delicious, but we have laws. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kevin Levin''': Keep thinkin'. You'll get better with practice. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Baz-El''': Once the word spread about my property's participation in nothing less but saving the entire universe from eradication from the uncouth, foul smelling Highbreed- :'''Highbreed Bailiff''': HEY! ''[Bangs the judge's desk]'' OBJECTION! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Judge Domstol''': ...And where is the property now? :'''Baz-El''': The uh, Vreedle brothers are in the process of retrieving it for me, your honor. :'''Judge Domstol''': The Vreedle brothers?! Who in their right mind would hire the Vreedle brothers to bring somebody back ''alive''?! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ugh! You okay in there Julie?! :'''Julie Yamamoto''': Great, this is fun. :(''Octagon throws disc at Gwen's mana shield, causing it to shrink'') :'''Gwen Tennyson''': (''examines hands'') Ugh! This is not good! (''ruins behind Julie and Ship'') You sure you don't want to shoot them? :'''Julie Yamamoto''': Uh-huh. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Then we need a distraction. ''[Starts popping bubble wrap]'' :'''Octagon & Rhomboid''': ''[distracted]'' Ooh... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Octagon Vreedle''': (''having popped the last bubble in a bubble wrap sheet'') Such is the fleeting nature of all things. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Judge Domstol''': Don't I know you, son? :'''Kevin Levin''': Don't think so sir. :'''Judge Domstol''': You're Kevin Levin! Didn't I tell you the next time I see you in my court room, I'd chuck you in the Null Void?! :'''Kevin Levin''': I can explain! :'''Judge Domstol''': That's what you always say! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kevin Levin''': Your honor. Baz-El basically hired a couple of dog catchers to take away a poor kid's dog. I mean, who does that? :'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[Walks in front of Kevin]'' Let me handle this. :'''Kevin Levin''': No! I'm handling it, we agreed! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Judge Domstol''': Never in all my days- :'''Kevin Levin''': We are so, so sorry, your honor. Your excellency, your-. Quick, Tennyson. W-what's another big word? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Judge Domstol''': The court rules in favor of... ''[camera zooms in on Kevin, Ben and BaZ-El]'' Ben Tennyson! :'''Baz-El''': What? :'''Kevin Levin''': WHAT?! :'''Judge Domstol''': There is no reason the wielder of the Omnitrix should have to bother himself with petty matters such as this. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Baz-El''': Cease and desist! You are no longer in my employ. :'''Rhomboid Vreedle''': Huh? :'''Kevin Levin''': He's not gonna pay you. :'''Rhomboid Vreedle''': Not! '''Gonna!!''' '''''PAY US?!!!''''' ''[blasts Baz-El]'' :'''Octagon Vreedle''': ''[sighs]'' Remember what we talked about you overreacting? Well, one could consider this particular occasion '''''also qualifying as such!!''''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ben Tennyson''' Yeah, thanks. But you know it kinda feels like you're putting a lot of pressure on our relationship. :'''Kevin Levin''': It's just a dog, Ben. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Julie Yamamoto''': (''to Ben'') You went halfway across the galaxy just to save Ship, so I know you really do care about him, and me, but I won't make a big deal about it and embarrass you in front of your friends. :'''Kevin Levin''': Too late. == ''Singlehanded'' [3.07]== :'''Sunder''': Where's the Omnitrix? :'''Spidermonkey''': Green watch thingy, hourglass symbol, turns you into all kinds of super powered aliens? :'''Sunder''': Yes! :'''Spidermonkey''': (''sly voice'') Never heard of it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ben Tennyson''': Lots of luck getting it off my wrist. :'''Sunder''': I'll worry about the details later. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ben Tennyson''': Okay, questions later. Right now, it's time to go... (''prepares to activate Omnitrix, then notices his hand is gone'') ...hero? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ben Tennyson''': Okay, this is weird, even for me. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kevin Levin''': Sorry, sorry. Okay. ''[sees Ben's hand move, starts laughing again]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Swampfire''': (''after his right hand gets bitten off'') Dude, I'm already short one hand. (''hand grows back; looks at his missing left hand'') Why can't I do that with THIS one? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kevin Levin''': See that energy surge? Classic sign of dimensional displacement. :'''Julie Yamamoto''': Which means? :'''Kevin Levin''': Ben's fine! The rest of him's just somewhere else. Had the samething happen to me when I tried to use a Personal Refurbished Forcefield Belt, spend three hours with my nose in another dimension. Aren't you gonna ask me how I smelled? :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Terrible. Just like your joke. :'''Kevin Levin''': Relax! I got some stuff in here I can cludge into a retrieval beacon generator. Shouldn't take a second. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': ''[sees Sunder]'' I don't think we have that long. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Kevin! Can you work a little faster? :'''Kevin Levin''': I can help buy a little time! ''[left arm grows, charges at Sunder and punches him]'' :'''Julie Yamamoto''': He's down. :'''Kevin Levin''': Not for long. And I can't build this thing and protect you ladies at the same time. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': This "lady" can protect herself thank you very much! :'''Kevin Levin''': But ''she'' needs a weapon. :'''Julie Yamamoto''': I already have one. (''shows Ben's cut off hand'') :'''Kevin Levin''': So you're saying you wanna hold Ben's hand. (''laughs'') :'''Gwen Tennyson''': That's not funny. :'''Kevin Levin''': Could come in handy. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': ''[annoyed]'' You done? :'''Kevin Levin''': Yeah, I'm out. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Julie Yamamoto''': (''tossing Ben's hand to Gwen'') Keep away from the big ugly guy! :(''Kevin looks up'') :'''Gwen Tennyson''': She meant the other one! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Quick! Turn into Humungousaur. :'''Kevin Levin''': Are you crazy? Swampfire! :'''Julie Yamamoto''': Wait. What does he look like? :'''Gwen Tennyson''': ''[Shields Julie and Kevin]'' Humungousaur! :'''Kevin Levin''': Swampfire! :'''Gwen Tennyson''': HUMUNGOUSAUR! :'''Kevin Levin''': SWAMPFIRE! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ben Tennyson''': Mind telling me what's going on here? :'''Kevin Levin''': Short answer, Energy Axe plus Omnitrix equals dimensional displacement. Which means your hand is probably wherever you just were. :'''Ben Tennyson''': My hand is in the Null Void?! :'''Julie Yamamoto''': How do we get it back? :'''Kevin Levin''': Simple, all we have to do is reverse the polarity of the thing that displaced it in the first place. :'''Ben Tennyson''': The axe? :'''Kevin Levin''': I said it was simple, not easy. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Humungousaur''': Bring it on, tiny. I could beat you with one hand tied behind another dimension. (''Sunder cuts Humungousaur's weapon'') Then again, maybe I could use a... hand. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kevin Levin''': Keep the beam fixed on Ben's arm. :'''Ben Tennyson''': What are you doing? :'''Kevin Levin''': This shot has to be just right. :'''Ben Tennyson''': And if it's not? :'''Kevin Levin''': Then bits of you gets scattered across multiple dimensions. Don't worry, I'm pretty sure I can do this. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Pretty sure? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sunder''': (''after fighting with Sunder, Julie is suddenly held hostage; to Gwen'') Now, hand over the Omnitrix or I slice the girl in two. :'''Julie Yamamoto''': Wait, me? :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Alright, you win, you can have the Omnitrix, just let her go! :'''Sunder''': The Omnitrix first... :'''Kevin Levin''': (''interrupting Gwen and Sunder'') How about the Omnitrix never?! (''activates the machine, Julie is released, Ben comes back, finds himself back on Earth, is extremely shocked, suddenly looks at Kevin'') Told ya... :(''Gwen and Julie both happy to see him, both give him a tight hug together'') :'''Julie Yamamoto''': Ben! :'''Gwen Tennyson''': You're alright! :'''Sunder''': The Omnitrix! :'''Ben Tennyson''': Oh I'll give you the Omnitrix! (''goes to slap the Omnitrix, sees that his hand is missing'') Ah, not again! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Brainstorm''': Sunder, I implore you, do not exact vengeance upon my veracity-impaired colleague. I hereby definitively, albeit reluctantly, relinquish all claims on said Omnitrix, and render it into your possession forthwith. (''zaps Sunder with electricity'') I believe the vernacular is "psyche". <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Kevin, how much longer on that doohickey? :'''Kevin Levin''': Soon! :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Good thing. We're running out of garage. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ben Tennyson''': I'm back in one piece! :'''Kevin Levin''': Told you I could do it! :'''Gwen Tennyson''': I did it. :'''Ben Tennyson''': I'm the one who beat the bad guy... single-handed. == ''If All Else Fails'' [3.08]== :'''Gwen''': Having fun? :'''Kevin''': Pros of campouts? Fresh air, barbeque burgers. Cons of campouts? Your Grandpa Max's old plumber stories we've heard 10 times before. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Max''': So Devin Levin laid down some cover fire while I defused the bomb. (''sighs'') Have I told this story before? :'''Gwen''': Grandpa! :'''Kevin''': That's what's up! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kevin''': ''[about Max' burgers]'' Squid? I thought those were hamburgers. :'''Ben''': ''[looks at it]'' That would explain the tentacles. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kevin''': ''[receives a hamburger]'' These are regular burgers, right? :'''Ben''': ''[looks at it]'' I see eyes and a beak in there. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Max''': That was the last of my ground squid too. I have some hamburger meat in the freezer, though. I guess we could eat that. :'''Kevin''': Well, if we're out of squid, what can we do? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kevin''': ''[wakes up]'' I'll get the chow. Last time Max made breakfast, we had scrambled eggs and eyeballs. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kevin''': No dinner last night, no breakfast this morning. What are we, on a diet? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kevin''': Usually i'm murder on house plants. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kevin''': Didn't you hear the news? The war's over. :'''Highbreed''': Perhaps, but our defeat will bring you nothing but sorrow, vermin! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kevin''': (''after Ben is attacked'') Nobody smacks him around but me! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Highbreed''': You are doomed! :'''Spidermonkey''': Don't think so. You're going to tell me how to stop that thing or I'm going to have to hurt you! (''changes back into Ben; Ben groans'') :'''Ben''': Figures. Stupid Omnitrix! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Max''': 5 of 91 seedlings present. Sufficient animal biomass for failsafe activation. :'''Highbreed''': Excellent. Activating final stage. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Gwen grabs Kevin and throws him into the weapon. He falls back out and looks at her reproachfully]'' :'''Gwen''': Just thought I'd try something. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kevin''': We're not gonna just stand here and let the brussel sprout that walks like a man nuke us, are we? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kevin''': Come on. We'll follow in my car. :'''Ben''': Forget the car. I've got a better idea. (''tried to turn into Way Big, but turns into Humungousaur'') :'''Humungousaur''': Way Big... Aw, man! Humungousaur. I wonder if the Omnitrix is still under warranty. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kevin''': We've tried going easy and we've tried going hard. Now what? :'''Ben''': We don't know enough about that thing to stop it... But maybe there's someone who does! (''starts running off'') Slow it down. I'll be back as soon as I can. (''activates the Omnitrix'') :'''Jetray''': Jetray! :'''Kevin''': Would be nice if he'd let us in on the plan once in a while. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kevin''': You mean that thing has got an "on" switch but no "off?" :'''Gwen''': What good's a fail safe if you could turn it off? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kevin''': (''as they're climbing up the exhaust'') If you ever tell anybody about this... :'''Ben''': Trust me. It'll be our secret. :'''Kevin''': What do you think would happen if I lit a match? :'''Ben''': Don't! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Highbreed''': Who are you? :'''Ben''': He is Reinrassic The 3rd, the 7th son of the Noble Highbreed House of Derazza, Direct descendant of the Pure Blooded High Order of Rarsect and personal friend of mine. :'''Reinrassic III''': I am the Higbreed Supreme. :'''Highbreed''': Impossible! You are impure! Look at your hand! :'''Reinrassic III''': ''[Shows his hand, revealing an insignia]'' Yes look at it! :'''Highbreed''': You wear the Imperial Seal! ''[bows]'' My apologies, Highbreed Supreme. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kevin''': ''[to Highbreed]'' Here to finish the job, huh? :'''Highbreed''': As a matter of fact, insect, that is precisely why I am here. :'''Swampfire''': We'll fight you! :'''Highbreed''': You understand nothing. My orders were to destroy you so I unleashed this weapon. Now my orders are to stop it and so I shall. :'''Gwen''': This place is coming apart! If you stay here- :'''Highbreed''': All the more reason for you to gather the other humans and leave this place. Go! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Reinrassic III''': He was a soldier doing his duty. There is no higher honor for a Highbreed. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gwen''': Just tell us... Are there any more Highbreed doomsday plans left on Earth we should know about? :'''Reinrassic III''': Absolutely not! ''[pauses]'' Um, I will... check the records. ==''In Charm's Way'' [3.09]== :(''A ball hits Kevin's head'') :'''Boy''': Hey, can we have our ball back? :'''Kevin''': Sure, kid. (''pops the ball'') Here you go. :'''Ben''': Nice, Kevin. What's next? Kicking puppies? :'''Kevin''': This little outing was your idea. So just lay there and work on your Ben tan. :'''Ben''': OK. I'll tan and you lighten up. :'''Kevin''': No one's the boss of me, Tennyson. Remember that. :'''Gwen''': Please lighten up, Kevin. :'''Kevin''': (''cracks a smile'') Ok, Gwen. (''Ben chuckles'') What? What're you thinking? :'''Ben''': I'm not thinking anything. :'''Gwen''': I can vouch for that. Hey anybody wanna get me a bottle of water? :'''Ben''': Rock, paper, scissors? :(''Ben puts scissors and Kevin, paper when the Rock monsters come out of the ocean'') :'''Gwen''': Rock! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Goop''': ''[melting one of Charmcaster's rock monsters]'' Gwen! Check it out! ''Acid'' rock! :'''Gwen''': (''noticing a vortex behind Goop'') Ben get clear! Now! :'''Goop''': Come on Gwen. You worry too much. (''notices the vortex'') Or just enough. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ben''': Magic vortex? Nice work Gwen! :'''Gwen''': It wasn't me. :(''boy walks up to Kevin'') :'''Kevin''': (''coughs'') What are you looking' at? :'''Boy''': It's okay. I totally get why you busted my beach ball. You're a superhero who's really a monster. Guys like you are always mean! :'''Kevin''': (''angrily'') Why you! :(''Gwen grabs Kevin's shoulder'') :'''Gwen''': It's OK, Kevin, it's OK. :'''Kevin''': (''angrily'') No it's not! :'''Gwen''': I don't know how to help you. :'''Kevin''': (''softly'') Why is that a surprise? You don't know how to do much of anything. :'''Gwen''': (''infuriated'') What did you say!? :'''Kevin''': (''angrily'') I didn't ask you for any help! (''pushes past Ben and Gwen'') I'm gonna go fix my ID mask. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Charmcaster''': Well, well, my pets. Gwen Tennyson has a boyfriend, but he's not happy. Hmm. Perhaps sending you to destroy was too simple a revenge. After all she stole my spell book, the least I can do is steal something important to her... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Caroline''': Small-block V8, 300 horsepower and what nitrous tank for afterburners? :'''Kevin''': Liquid oxygen. I like to go fast. You into cars? :'''Caroline''': I could be in yours, if you asked me nice. Corners like a dream. Is there anything this car can't do? :'''Kevin''': It's not submersible, but i'm working on it. :'''Caroline''': OK... <hr width="50%"/> :(''Charmcaster transforms back from her disguise'') :'''Charmcaster''': Your mind is all blank. :'''Kevin Levin''': (''hypnotized'') Totally. :'''Charmcaster''': You will bring Gwen Tennyson to the planetarium at midnight. (''Kevin nods'') Taking her boyfriend was just the warm-up. There I will use the full power of concentrated moonlight siphoned through a mystical field, to steal her very essence! By the time I'm done, there'll be nothing left of her. :'''Kevin''': She probably won't show up when I tell her that. :'''Charmcaster''': Don't tell her you simpleton! :'''Kevin''': Hey give me a break. My mind's a blank. :'''Charmcaster''': (''frustrated'') Just bring her! Talk her into it, make an excuse. Force her if you have to. Here. (''snaps her fingers and a necklace appears around Kevin's neck'') :'''Kevin''': And if Ben tries to stop me? :'''Charmcaster''': Destroy him. :'''Kevin''': 'Kay. (''walks off to complete his mission'') <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gwen''': This is ridiculous! I should have never listened to you. I should be helping Kevin cope with what's happened to him. :'''Ben''': Cope, shmope. :'''Gwen''': Wow. Can't argue that logic. :'''Ben''': Hey at least he's got no limits on going hero. I have to depend on the Omnitrix, which does what I want maybe half the time. Plus it keeps timing out. Kevin should stop whining about how tough he has it! :'''Gwen''': He's not whining Ben. He just has a lot on his mind. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gwen''': Kevin! I don't want to hurt you! :'''Ben''': That makes one of us. Time for Humungousaur! :(''activates the Omnitrix and tries turn into Humungousaur, but turns into Diamondhead instead'') :'''Diamondhead''': Diamondhead? Fine! I can work with this. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Diamondhead''': Plenty more where... :(''Omnitrix times out'') :'''Ben''': Aw! Can't you give a guy a little warning? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ben''': We haven't seen her since we were kids, and she's obviously looking for some payback. Is she cute? :'''Gwen''': Ben! :'''Kevin''': More than cute, hot! :'''Gwen''': Kevin! :'''Kevin''': I can still remember we were talking... :'''Gwen''': About what?! :'''Kevin''': About... stuff, you know, its all kinda blurry after she kissed me. :'''Gwen''': (''angry and shocked'') She kissed you?! :'''Kevin''': Yeah, I didn't really mean to tell you that part. :'''Gwen''': (''sarcastically and angrily'') Really. (''storms off'') :'''Ben''': That was a stupid thing to say. :'''Kevin''': Can't argue with you there. :(''After some time reaching the destination in Kevin's car, Kevin trying to justify himself'') :'''Kevin''': It was not like I was kissing her, much. It was like 80% her kissin' me. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Charmcaster''': Gwen Tennyson. I've been waiting 5 years to say this; I love what you've done with your hair. <hr width="50%"/> :(''after Gwen got up'') :'''Ben''': Are you OK? :'''Gwen''': She stole all my power. How do you think I am? :'''Ben''': Uh, weak? :'''Gwen'': I deserved this. I was too angry... :'''Kevin''': I can see how she would make you... :'''Gwen''': I was angry with you! :'''Kevin''': Wait. Me? :(''Gwen's eyes widen'') :'''Gwen Tennyson''': (''having trouble explaining'') No! Okay, yes, a little! I mean, why were you even hanging out with her? :'''Kevin''': Because I thought she liked me. :'''Gwen''': And I don't? :'''Kevin''': If you liked me so much, how come you haven't bothered to find a way to change me back? :'''Ben''': Dude! :'''Kevin''': After all, as long as i'm a monster, no other girl would want me right? :'''Gwen''': We are not having this conversation. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ben''': Please, for once...? :(''activates the Omnitrix and turns into Murk Upchuck'') :'''Murk Upchuck''': Upchuck! I called it! (''charges into battle'') This is the fight I was born for! <hr width="50%"/> :(''Murk Upchuck is drinking Mr. Smoothy's innards'') :'''Mr. Smoothy''': Stop please! I'm half empty! :'''Murk Upchuck''': Bad attitude. You're half full! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gwen''': Your problem is that magic is the only thing you're about, but for me, magic is only 1 aspect of who I am. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kevin''': (''to Gwen'') Good timing. That truck was really giving me problems. It was kind of humiliating. :(''Murk Upchuck vomits on Kevin'') :'''Kevin''': Obviously just a warm up for this humiliation. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kevin''': Where's Gwen? :'''Ben''': Went home. You hurt her pretty bad. :'''Kevin''': I hurt her? I'm the one that looks like this and she hasn't doesn't a thing about it! :'''Ben''': (''getting angry'') You are a giant rock faced jerk! :'''Kevin''': Yeah, whatever. :'''Ben''': Not whatever. She's been spending every spare moment going through every magic book she can find to try and help you. She's been doing it since the accident! :'''Kevin''': Sh-she never told me. :'''Ben''': Should she have had to? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Charmcaster''': ''[about to get sucked into a portal]'' Help! ''[She grabs onto her rock minion's leg who hangs onto a pole]'' Don't let go, you brainless boob! You useless lump! ''[Her minion glares at her & lets go. They both get sucked into the portal.]'' YOU DID THAT ON PURPOSE! == ''Ghost Town'' [3.10] == :'''Zs'Skayr''': Please, the light... burns! :'''Vilgax''': And if I were to stop it? :'''Zs'Skayr''': Don't toy with me, Vilgax. Ask for what you want. :'''Vilgax''': I do not ask, Ghostfreak. I demand, and you obey! I will free you from your prison and in return you will tell me what I wish to know. :'''Zs'Skayr''': The knowledge to defeat Ben Tennyson. The secrets of the Omnitrix. :'''Vilgax''': Tell me, then I will set you free. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ben Tennyson''': (''while waiting for Gwen on the miniature golf course'') And five centuries later... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gwen Tennyson''': (''watching a falling object'') What was that? :'''Kevin Levin''': Whatever it was, it better not have landed on my ride. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kevin Levin''': Whatever. Scariest thing so far is how bored I'm getting. <hr width="50%"/> :(''Gwen takes out an alien pest with a golf ball'') :'''Kevin Levin''': Nice shot. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Yeah. I guess he wasn't up to par. :'''Kevin Levin''': Whadda you mean? :'''Gwen Tennyson''': It's a golf joke. Never mind. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kevin Levin''': ''[While fighting a mole-like creature on a miniature-golf course]'' I don't like golf, but I'm a fan of Whack-a-Mole. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Humungousaur''': Gwen, look, A mole in one. HAH! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ben Tennyson''': What's your problem, Gwen? :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Don't you remember how many times this guy tried to kill you? :'''Ben Tennyson''': Not exactly. A lot. That's what makes this so much fun. What was it you needed? :'''Vilgax''': I. need. your. help! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kevin Levin''': And what makes you think he's gonna help you, squid face? :'''Vilgax''': One word - Ghostfreak. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kevin Levin''': Come on! This couldn't be a more obvious trap if there was a sign that read "free cookies"! :'''Ben Tennyson''': Probably... but I really like cookies. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Vilgax''': My people are not warriors like me. They are innocent women and children. :'''Kevin Levin''': Why should we believe anything you say? :'''Vilgax''': What other reason would I come grovelling to your pitiful planet? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gwen Tennyson''': If he is telling the truth, we can't just let people suffer. :'''Kevin Levin''': Better them than us. :'''Ben Tennyson''': My watch, my responsibility. :'''Kevin Levin''': It's not just all about Ben Tennyson! :'''Ben Tennyson''': Vilgax won't touch you while I'm around. It's totally safe... (''to Vilgax'') ... but the first sign of a double-cross and you're a sushi platter! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Swampfire''': (''thinking Vilgax had betrayed him and his companions to the Ghostfreak'') I can't believe you tried to trick us into- (''sees Vilgax protecting a young female Chimera Sui Generis from the Ghostfreak minions'') ...saving a little girl? Okay, now I feel like a jerk! :'''Gwen Tennyson''': The big bad has a conscience. Who knew? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kevin Levin''': Great! Even the freaks don't want me! :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Kevin... :'''Swampfire''': That's a good thing! You should stay up front! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Vilgax''': (''meeting up with Ben at...'') Burger Shack. :'''Ben Tennyson''': (''to Vilgax'') I got you the kiddie meal, so don't let them know you're over 8. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Vilgax''': (''about Zs'Skayr'') He tried to possess me. :'''Ben Tennyson''': He always was the possessive type. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ben Tennyson''': Nothing says distraction like a tentacle-faced alien. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Vilgax''': i grow weary of your help. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zs'Skayr''': (''as his minions restrain Vilgax'') Hold him. I wish to possess this one myself. With Vilgax, Ben Tennyson and myself as one, there will be no power in the universe that can stop me! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Vilgax''': Foolish child. If I had not taken you out of the battle, Ben Tennyson himself WOULD have - permanently. :'''Kevin Levin''': Don't do us any more favors, Vilgax. :'''Vilgax''': It won't happen again. I assure you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Vilgax''': This time you will die, ecotonurite scum! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ben Tennyson''': What happens in Vilgaxia stays in Vilgaxia. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kevin Levin''': What's wrong with you?! (''after pushing down and shielding Gwen from a possessed Ben'') :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Kevin! His Omnitrix is gone. (''after realizing that Zs'Skayr took control of Ben's body'') <hr width="50%"/> :(''as the Zs'Skayr-possessed Ben attacks'') :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ben, stop it! You're hurting your friends! Please, I know you're in there, somewhere! :'''Vilgax''': And that's exactly what I plan to take care of! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Vilgax''': What a wonderful opportunity. Both of my greatest enemies in one body. What is it you humans say? I can kill two birds with one stone. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ben Tennyson''': You are so losing your evil cred. :'''Vilgax''': Watch your tone, Ben Tennyson! If I didn't need your help...! :'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[smiles]'' ''There's'' the bad guy we all love to hate! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Vilgax''': This is not over, Ben Tennyson. In fact, now that the secrets of the Omnitrix are mine, and there are none left to stop me, I'd say it's a rather auspicious beginning... == ''Trade Off'' [3.11] == :'''Kevin Levin''': Pretty careless of you to let me track you down! :'''Darkstar''': Hardly careless, otherwise I'd never have left a trail so obvious even an imbecile could follow it. I WANTED you to find me, Kevin. Both our lives depend on it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kevin Levin''': If this is another one of your tricks, I assure you I am entirely sincere. :'''Darkstar''': If I release you, will you at least hear me out? :'''Kevin Levin''': You got one minute. Go! :'''Darkstar''': My question is a simple one-- Do you like being trapped in your current hideous form? :'''Kevin Levin''': About as much as you like being a butt-ugly, energy sucking vampire. No offense. :'''Darkstar''': None taken. For that is precisely my point. What would you say if I told you there was a way for ''both'' of us to become normal again? :'''Kevin Levin''': How? :'''Darkstar''': I'll show you. This is the Dominus Librium-- an ancient instrument of extraordinary power and decidedly alien origin. :'''Kevin Levin''': Looks like an over-sized wishbone. :'''Darkstar''': Legend has it that the Librium was actually a sophisticated power conduit, capable of transferring extraordinary energies from one vessel to another. :'''Kevin Levin''': Thanks for the history lesson. :'''Darkstar''': But it's history no longer. After a great deal of effort and expense, I have managed to track the artifact to an isolated island recently risen in the South Pacific. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kevin Levin''': Not that I don't trust you - which I DON'T - but why are telling me all this? :'''Darkstar''': Because, quite frankly, I can't get to the artifact alone. I require your unique abilities to retrieve the Librium, and I'm willing to trade you the cure for your help. :'''Kevin Levin''': Selfish motive. At least that makes sense. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Kevin's Plumber badge isn't responding. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Try it again. He should be here. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': I'm not his babysitter, Ben. If he wants to ignore us, that's his choice. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Fine. Then he'll just have to miss all the fun. The Forever Knights aren't gonna kick their own butts. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': So how do we get there without Kevin's car? :'''Ben Tennyson''': Easy. We improvise. (''activates Omnitrix'') :'''Jetray''': Jetray! (''grabs Gwen with his tail'') Onward and upward! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kevin Levin''': So where are we? Easter Island? :'''Darkstar''': Actually Roponui is several hundred miles from here. This island has been submerged for centuries. A recent undersea upheaval brought it to the surface. :'''Kevin Levin''': Oh, so it's more like Groundhog Day island. ''[refers to the statues]'' Ugly suckers aren't they? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Darkstar''': Can't you feel it? The Librium is transferring your excess power into me. :'''Kevin Levin''': It... hurts! :'''Darkstar''': Nothing... worth having is gained... without effort! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Michael Morningstar''': (''knocks Kevin out'') Our association is hereby concluded. It would be wise of you to never again cross my path. <hr width="50%"/> :''[back at Ben's house]'' :'''Kevin Levin''': Hey, what can I say? I uh, wished upon a star last night and woke up this morning my gorgeous self. See? No transformation, no powers, no nothing. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Really? :'''Kevin Levin''': What else matters? :'''Gwen Tennyson''': And that black eye you're sporting? :'''Kevin Levin''': Oh that? I was so excited to be human again that I uh, run smack into an open door. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gwen Tennyson''': (''as they're about to fight some Forever Knights'') Not so fast. Without any powers, you could get hurt in there. You'd beter wait here. :'''Kevin Levin''': What? But I... :'''Gwen Tennyson''': I mean it. :'''Kevin Levin''': (''staying behind'') Great. So now I'm just the chauffeur? What happens when you two finally get your licenses? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ben Tennyson''': Then I guess it's time for...''[Tries to transform into Humongosaur, but becomes Big Chill]'' :'''Big Chill''': Big! Chill? Never get what I ask for, never! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ben Tennyson''': Powered or not, Kevin, you're still an important part of this team. We need you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gwen Tennyson''': I'll see you later, Kevin. (''Kevin drives off'') (''to herself'') After I make sure you can live with whatever it is you've done. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gwen Tennyson''': (''to herself'') Michael's mana led me to him like a beacon. He's inside, I can feel it. (''Makes steps out of mana and walks over fence and enters Michael's lair ready to fight'') :'''Michael Morningstar''': (''Sees Gwen in mirror from admiring his face'') Ah, lovely Gwen. I've been expecting you. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': I'll just bet you have. Kevin's aura stinks of you. Tell me what you did to him and maybe I'll go easy on you. (''Mana's color gets more intense'') <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kevin Levin''': This is all my fault. :'''Ben Tennyson''': That Gwen had to run an errand? :'''Kevin Levin''': That she's gone to do something stupid. (''Ben glares at him'') Okay, stop staring at me like that. You're creepin' me out. :'''Ben Tennyson''': So talk. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ben Tennyson''': Fastest way to track her is as Jetray! ''[Transforms into Echo Echo]'' :'''Echo Echo''': Echo-Echo!? :'''Kevin Levin''': That's getting old, Ben. Seriously. :'''Echo Echo''': Tell me about it! <hr width="50%"/> :(''Echo Echo and all his duplicates climb into Kevin's car'') :'''Echo Echo''': (''all together'') Then what are we waiting for? Go! :(''At a look from Kevin, the Echo Echos change back into Ben'') :'''Kevin Levin''': You know, you coulda done that BEFORE you got in my ride. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Michael Morningstar''': I wouldn't advise that, Kevin. The balance of energy to the Dominus Librium is delicate. If you interrupt the flow in any way, the consequence can be catastrophic. :(''Gwen groans in pain'') :'''Kevin Levin''': I don't care! Nothing matters as long as Gwen is safe! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Michael Morningstar''': That's it, children. Give me your power. Give me ALL your power! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Darkstar''': ''[horrified]'' No! Look! (''looks at his reflection in the mirror'') Look what you've done to me! You'll pay for this. (''puts his mask back on'') Someday, you will all pay! (''runs away and escapes'') == ''Busy Box'' [3.12] == :'''Ben Tennyson''': Anything? :'''Kevin Levin''': Not yet. But the scanner detected level 20 alien technology somewhere near here. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Level 20? But the only level 20 technology in the whole galaxy is- :'''Ben Tennyson''': The Omnitrix! Maybe you found a spare. :'''Kevin Levin''': Actually, whatever we're detecting is level 20+. The scale on this thing doesn't go any higher. :'''Ben Tennyson''': This is stupid, we've been driving around all night. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Before we give up, pull over, I wanna try something. ''[They get out of the car]'' You know how my powers have trouble with technology? I'm thinking, maybe it works the other way around. ''[Makes ball of mana and throws it unto the ground making it spread throughout the area]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': So if your mana hits something super high-tech- ''[sees large glow in the distance]'' …that! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Careful, Ben. :'''Kevin Levin''': Two words that contradict each other. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': You mean it's an oxymoron? :'''Kevin Levin''': Some kind of moron. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Ha, ha. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ben Tennyson''': Woah! :'''Ben Tennyson copy''': Woah! :'''Ben Tennyson''': What are you? Where did you come from? :'''Ben Tennyson copy''': What are you? Where did you come from? :'''Ben Tennyson''': Cut it out! :'''Ben Tennyson copy''': Cut it out! :'''Ben Tennyson''': I don't sound like that! :'''Ben Tennyson copy''': I don't sound like that! :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Kinda do. :'''Kevin Levin''': Huh. I bet people would put up some serious cash for a robot version of themselves. ''[the robot transforms into a copy of him]'' Cool. What do you say we load this handsome devil into the car, take him home and see what makes him tick? :'''Kevin Levin copy''': What do you say we load this handsome devil into the car, take him home and see what makes him tick? :'''Kevin Levin''': Okay, that's getting a little annoying. :'''Kevin Levin copy''': Okay, that's getting a little annoying. :'''Kevin Levin''': Knock it off. :'''Kevin Levin copy''': Knock it off. :'''Kevin''': ''[covers the robot's mouth and the robot punches him in return, damaging his ID mask]'' Great. You broke my ID mask. :'''Kevin Levin copy''': Great. You broke my ID mask. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Nice shot, Kevin. :'''Kevin Levin''': Thanks. Guess they don't make annoying imitator robots like they used to. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Spidermonkey''': Right. Should have figured. :'''Spidermonkey copy''': Right. Should have figured. :'''Spidermonkey''': I am so gonna… (''Omnitrix flashes red'') Out of power. Sure. Why not? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Kevin, wait! :'''Kevin Levin''': What do you mean "wait?" That thing's determined to wreck my ride! :'''Ben Tennyson''': He's sort of already wrecked it. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': "She's." :'''Ben Tennyson''': Are we doing this again? :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Actually, we aren't doing ''anything.'' And neither is she. :'''Kevin Levin''': I don't get it. :'''Ben Tennyson''': It's copying whatever we do. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': We showed it we wanted it to fight, so it fought. We need to do something else. We don't know who or what you are, be we don't mean any harm. Come here. Meditate with me. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Meditate with me. :'''Ben Tennyson''': I get it, as long as ''we'' stay calm… :'''Gwen Tennyson''': It stays calm. :'''Ben Tennyson''': So, you're going to just sit there? :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Guys? :'''Ben Tennyson copy''': Going to just sit there? :'''Ben Tennyson''': Okay. Good. So long as nothing sets him off. :''[They see the Vreedle Brothers' ship coming down]'' :'''Kevin Levin''': You mean like a spaceship landing? :'''Ben Tennyson''': I've seen that ship before. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': It'll come to you. :''[The Vreedle Brothers' ship lands and they come out]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': The Vreedle Brothers. :'''Octagon Vreedle''': It appears that you've got something that belongs to ''us.'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Octagon Vreedle''': (''to Rhomboid'') Didn't you notice that there are two Ben Tennysons here, one of which is of obviously inferrior workmanship and quality? :'''Kevin Levin''': (''to Ben'') I think he means you. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Thanks. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Swampfire''': Hey! No fair! Vreedles can't shoot fireballs! :'''Kevin Levin''': This time, when I pound you, you're stayin' pounded. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gwen Tennyson''': What are you gonna do with it? :'''Rhomboid Vreedle''': Why, auction it off to the highest bidder. :'''Octagon Vreedle''': Not that our business is any of your...business. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Swampfire''': Anybody up for a smoothie? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kevin Levin''': Vreedles twice in one day? It's like the opposite of Christmas. :'''Ben Tennyson''': When we win, I want the money for the smoothie. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ben Tennyson''': I'm almost afraid to ask, but what happened? :'''Rhomboid Vreddle''': Well, we was on our way to sell the thing, and some robot cops tried to make us pull over. :'''Octagon Vreedle''': They took exception to us blastin' a toll booth. :'''Rhomboid Vreedle''': I didn't have no change. :'''Ben Tennyson''': I'm not following. :'''Octagon Vreedle''': The robot may have took the wrong lesson from our completely reasonable actions. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': What do you mean "took the wrong lesson?" :'''Octagon Vreedle''': He learned that he really LIKES destroyin' things. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ben Tennyson''': (''after Mr. Smoothy's has been destroyed'') Oh man! :'''Kevin Levin''': They are totally gonna stop letting us hang out here. :'''Octagon Vreedle''': We don't want it anymore, so it's your problem now. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Naljian Destructor''': This isn't good. :'''Ben Tennyson''': I really do say that a lot, don't I? :'''Kevin Levin''': Yeah. Getting old. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Guys, can we stay on task? :'''Ben Tennyson''': Okay, This looks like a job for... Humungousaur! (''becomes Lodestar instead'') Or Lodestar. (''smiles'') He's good too. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lodestar''': Who are you? :'''Kevin Levin''': Whoever she is, she needs to get out of the way. That thing's a dangerous weapon. It needs breaking. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': It's been nothing but trouble. :'''Naljian''': Trouble? That's impossible. But then you are remarkably unintelligent. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Naljian''': Oh. You should really be more careful. This toy is clearly marked "Not for children under three million years old." <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kevin Levin''': I would never let a kid of mine play with something like that. :'''Ben Tennyson''': (''imitating the robot with an empty can'') Run away! ''[Gwen and Kevin gasp and turn around]'' Gotcha! == ''Con of Rath'' [3.13] == :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Hurry up! We're losing our light! :'''Ben Tennyson''': We're not losing the light; it's eight in the morning! The beach is open all day. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': You're right. Get a move on, Kevin!! :'''Kevin Levin''': (''drives the car out of the garage'') Geez, I'm coming! I'm like, five minutes late. What's the big deal? :'''Gwen Tennyson''': I'll tell you what the big deal is: I've been trying to go to the beach for a month, and every time we're about to leave, something happens. Monster on the loose, alien invasion... :'''Ben Tennyson''': Sometimes it rains. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Well, not this time. This time- (''Zaw-Veenull appears'') ...Just forget I said anything. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kevin Levin''': So, it's like a hostage exchange. :'''Zaw-Veenull''': Hostage? Oh, no. No-no-no. It is simply a show of trust, to demonstrate our sincere desire for peace with the Pantophage. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gwen Tennyson''': You're talking about yourself in the third person now? :'''Ben Tennyson''': Sure. After all, Ben Tennyson did save the whole... :'''Gwen Tennyson''': You know what? Stop. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cicely''': My dear Tiffin, I just wanted to tell you how proud I am of what you're doing for our people. (''to Rath'') Please, I beg of you, do not give my son to the Pantophage. :'''Rath''': Hang on! You came to us, 'kay? We didn't ask for this job but, like it or not, now we gotta finish it! :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Don't be such a hard nose about it! :'''Cicely''': No, he is right. It is as it must be. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rath''': '''''YOU WANNA FIGHT ME, KEVIN LEVIN?!''''' ''[Throws Kevin at the wall]'' '''''LET'S GO!!!''''' :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Someone needs a time out! ''[puts a mana sphere over Rath's head]'' :'''Rath''': ''[Tries to get the sphere off his head]'' '''''TIME OUT?! IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO LEARN THAT NOBODY CAN BEAT ME AT-!!!''''' Did I just use up all my air? ''[hangs his tongue out of his mouth and falls unconscious]'' :''[Rath regains consciousness, Gwen and Kevin walk up to Rath]'' :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ben, can you understand me? :'''Rath''': 'Course I can, Gwen Tennyson!! You think I'm annoying?!! :'''Kevin Levin''': Yep, thick as a brick. :'''Rath''': ''[stands up]'' '''''YOU WANNA FIGHT?! YOU WANNA FIGHT?!! DAAAAAAAAGGGHHH!!!''''' ''[attempts to attack, but cannot because Gwen has used her mana to restrain him]'' :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Not helping, Kevin. ''[turns back to Rath]'' Calm down, Ben! We need you to listen. You've become something called an Appoplexian. We looked it up in the ALDB. :'''Rath''': Huh? :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Alien Lifeform DataBase. :'''Kevin Levin''': Appoplexians are powerful, argumentative and extremely aggressive. They believe any problem can be solved by hitting it. :'''Rath''': Not true! Sometimes you have to hit things a LOT! :'''Kevin Levin''': It also says they're not too bright. ''[crosses his arms. Rath growls at him]'' Dude, did you just growl at me? :'''Gwen Tennyson''': OK, Ben, I'm going to let you go, but you have to stay calm. Control your anger. No stomping! ''[lets Rath go]'' :'''Kevin Levin''': Maybe you wanna reboot the Omnitrix and get back to normal? :'''Rath''': OK, but not 'cause you told me to! :'''Kevin Levin''': Nope. It was your idea. :'''Rath''': OK. Here we go. Changing back. ''[slaps the Omnitrix symbol, but doesn't change back and the Omnitrix symbol makes a 'powering down' noise]'' Wha'? It's busted! ''[whacks the Omnitrix symbol repeatedly, but still doesn't change back]'' Get... OFF ME! ''[starts to pull at the Omnitrix symbol, obviously generating a lot of pain]'' :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ben! Stop! :'''Rath''': ''[still yanking at the Omnitrix symbol, eventually flings himself onto the ground. Gwen, Kevin and the Tiffin go over. Rath sits up, suprising the others]'' Anybody hungry?! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gwen Tennyson''': (''about Argit'') Not to mention that, every time we run into him, we almost get killed. :'''Kevin Levin''': Are you saying you don't like my friends? :'''Gwen Tennyson''': No! I'm saying he's NOT your friend! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gwen Tennyson''': ''[about Argit]'' He's a conman, who would sell his own mother for lunch money. :'''Kevin Levin''': I happen to know he got top dollar for his mom. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kevin Levin''': This whole trip is like one of those dreams, where everyone you know is in it, and they all wanna hurt you! :'''Gwen Tennyson''': I don't have dreams like that. :'''Kevin Levin''': Oh. Uh, me neither! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gwen Tennyson''': But we saw you two go up in an explosion. :'''Octagon Vreedle''': Yeah, that sort of thing occurs on a fairly regular basis. We're what you might call "clones." <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rhomboid Vreedle''': ''[Sees Rath]'' Is that an Appoplexian? :'''Octagon Vreedle''': Yep, and they're even dumber and meaner than we are! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rath''': ''[After Octagon blows up his plate of food]'' '''''LEMME TELL YA SOMETHIN', OCTAGON VREEDLE!!!! YOU'VE GONE TOO FAR!!! A MAN'S FOOD IS HIS CASTLE!!!''''' :'''Octagon Vreedle''': ''[confused]'' I believe what you've done there is mixing what-ya-might-call-it,... methaphors! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Commander Sangfroid''': Greetings, Earthlings. This is commander Sang-Froid. :'''Kevin Levn''': You're an Incursion. :'''Commander Sangfroid''': Yeah, I am. Now, as you know, we Incursions love war. Can't get enough of this stuff. Its what we live for. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Aha... And your point is...? :'''Commander Sangfroid''': This peace-mission your on,... we're against it. So prepare to be boarded, then killed. Nothing personal. :'''Rath''': '''''LEMME TELL YA SOMETHIN', INCURSION COMMANDER SANG-FROID!!! RATH HAS A BETTER IDEA!!! I'M COMING OVER!!!''''' ''[Walks to the airlock]'' :'''Gwen Tennyson''': You're gonna need a Space Suit! :'''Rath''': Whatever! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rath''': Taydenite?! :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Told you he wouldn't like it. :'''Kevin Levin''': (''gets lifted up by Rath'') What's the big deal? :'''Rath''': The big deal?! The big deal is...uhhh...uhhhh...(''puts Kevin down'') You tell him. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Because, every time you mention Taydenite, Vulkanus shows up and tries to kill us. :'''Rath''': What she said! :'''Kevin Levin''': Come on...you're exaggerating. :'''Vulkanus''': (''appears out of a cave'') Hey! What are you doing here?! (''army of aliens come out behind him'') Doesn't matter... Kill them! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Vulkanus''': Hang on...Is that you Tennyson?! :'''Rath''': Yeah. So? :'''Vulkanus''': So what happened, did you set the Omnitrix to UGLY? (''laughs'') Set the Omnitrix to ugly...! (''laughs at his joke more; his minions start to do the same'') :'''Rath''': LEMME TELL YA SOMETHIN', VULKANUS!!! :'''Kevin Levin''': (''steps forward before Rath can attack'') Whoa, big guy! Let me handle this. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': You? :'''Kevin Levin''': Me. You think Ben's the only one who can do a negotiation? :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Well, not at the moment. :'''Kevin''': (turns to Vulkanus) Vulkanus, you've made a lot of money off me. Do we have to be enemies? :'''Vulkanus''': Pretty much, yeah. :'''Kevin Levin''': Even if I'm willing to pay for what I need (pulls out a small gold cube), say 10 times the golden rate. :'''Vulkanus''': I like the way you're thinking! (leans forward) But considering that you're in my territory, and there's no way for you to escape, the number seems...low. :'''Rath''': ''(to Vulkanus)'' C’mon, that’s a great deal! Considering every time we run up against you, '''''WE KICK YOUR BUTT!!''''' :'''Vulkanus''': What... did you say? :'''Rath''': I should have said SPANK your butt, since you’re just a little '''''BABY IN THAT BIG, MECHANICAL SUIT!!!''''' :'''Kevin Levin''': Er, Ben, I got this one. :'''Rath''': I’m gonna call you '''''BABYMAN''''', Babyman! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Vulkanus orders his pickaxe minions to attack Rath, Gwen, and Kevin]'' :'''Kevin Levin''': Hey, I was negotiating! :'''Rath''': No! '''''THIS''''' is negotiating! ''(bashes two Pickaxe aliens together)'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kevin Levin''': As we make our final approach to the Pantophage home planet, let me say thanks to all of you for flying with us on Kevin Levin airway. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Oh, just button it. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Rath, Gwen, & Kevin bring the Tiffin to a large temple where a huge, red Jarret is sitting on a throne]'' :'''Jarret''': I am Jarret, King of the Pantophage. :'''Rath''': ''[snatches the Tiffin's egg from Kevin]'' Let's get it over with. We brought you the Tiffin! :'''Jarret''': And, I thank you for your trouble. :''[He takes hold of the egg. The Tiffin squeaks sadly]'' :'''Rath''': Sorry, little guy. :''[He lets go of the egg. Jarret places the Tiffin on top of a yellow cake]'' :'''Jarret''': There. Isn't that... lovely? ''[Quickly picks up the Tiffin and eats him, then rubs his stomach]'' Ah... :''[Rath, Gwen and Kevin stare in disbelief and shock. Kevin faints]'' :'''Rath''': '''''DID YOU JUST EAT THE BABY?!?!?!''''' :'''Jarret''': Ah, yes. I did. :'''Rath''': '''''I THOUGHT YOU WERE GONNA KEEP HIM!!! I THOUGHT IT WAS A PEACE OFFERING!!!!''''' :'''Jarret''': Yes, well, he was all at. Plus a rare delicacy. That's what a peace offering is, here on my planet. :'''Rath''': Eating! BABIES! IS NOT''! '''''COOL!!!!''''' ''[He jumps down Jarret's throat, wriggles around in his stomach, and bursts through Jarret's front teeth, holding the Tiffin. The Tiffin squeaks.]'' Yeah, I know. Same here. :'''Jarret''': ''[feels the gap in his teeth with his tongue]'' How dare you! Certainly you realize that this means ''war''! :'''Rath''': ''[gives Kevin the Tiffin]'' Hold this. ''[He leaps onto Jarret's face]'' '''''LEMME TELL YA SOMETHIN', JARRET OF PANTOPHAGE!!! I JUST JUMPED DOWN YOUR THROAT!!! YOU START A WAR WITH THE LEWODANS AND I'LL DO IT AGAIN!!! ONLY NEXT TIME, I'LL KNIT YOUR INTESTINES INTO A SWEATER!!!!''''' <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Tiffin reunites with Sicily]'': :'''Cicely''': My son! Alive! It's a miracle! :'''Kevin Levin''': Glad to help. Now, about our fee-''[Gwen elbows him]'' :'''Gwen Tennyson''': We're happy it all worked out. :'''Zaw-Veenull''': As am I. On behalf of Lewoda, let me to offer our sincere gratitude to you, for negotiating with the Pantophage, who otherwise would have- :'''Rath''': ''[confronts him]'' Did you know Jarret was gonna eat the baby?! :'''Zaw-Veenull''': Er, well, I wasn't sure exactly, but- :'''Rath''': ''[Points his claw at Zaw-Veenull's face threateningly]'' Never. Talk to me. AGAIN. ''[Zaw-Veenull backs away as Rath retracts his claw]'' :'''Cicely''': Thank you, Ben Tennyson. Thank you all! :''[Rath turns back into Ben as Zaw-Veenull, Cicely, and the Tiffin leave]'' :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ben, you're back! :'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah! As soon as the Tiffin left, I went back to normal. :'''Gwen''': That baby must have sent out some sort of interference that messed with the Omnitrix. :'''Kevin Levin''': Good guess. :'''Ben Tennyson''': You KNEW?! :'''Kevin Levin''': Well, I wasn't sure exactly, but... :'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[Angry]'' Kevin... Rath would like a word with you. ''[turns into Rath]'' :'''Rath''': '''''LEMME TELL YA SOMETHIN', KEVIN E. LEVIN!''''' :'''Kevin Levin''': ''[squeaks]'' Please don't. == ''Primus'' [3.14]== :'''Psyphon''': Surely, you don't let the fact that Ben Tennyson has repeatedly defied you... :'''Vilgax''': Speak with care, Psyphon. Your council is valuable, not irreplaceable. :'''Psyphon''': Of course, master. My point was simply that if you so chose, you could defeat Tennyson and wrest the Omnitrix from him. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kevin Levin''': I got this! (''jumps in after Ben'') :'''Gwen Tennyson''': (''panicking after a while'') Ben! Kevin! (''uses her mana to burst them out'') :'''Kevin Levin''': (''after landing on a tree with Ben'') What part of "I got this" do you not understand? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kevin Levin''': (''looking at Omnitrix'') And the flashing? :'''Ben Tennyson''': Add it to the growing list of things I don't understand. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ben Tennyson''': (''after the Omnitrix deactivates during a fight'') Huh? You are a piece of junk! :'''Omnitrix''': That function is not available. Omnitrix must return to Primus. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Who's Primus? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ben Tennyson''': You know, if I built the Omnitrix, I would've made a few improvements - like making it work! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Omnitrix''': Omnitrix has returned to Primus. Ben Tennyson has fulfilled purpose. Omnitrix must find creator. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Wait. What? :(''the Omnitrix flies off his wrist'') :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Don't let it get away! :'''Ben Tennyson''': I don't believe it. The Omnitrix is... gone. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ben Tennyson''': I lost the Omnitrix. Azmuth is gonna kill me! :'''Kevin Levin''': Dude, he's already so mad at you, it couldn't get any worse. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Really? :'''Kevin Levin''': No. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ben Tennyson''': The slugs, the mud... Ugh. :'''Kevin Levin''': Stop complaining like a girl. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Excuse me? :'''Kevin Levin''': Sorry. I was trying to insult Ben, and it got away from me. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Azmuth''': Give me a minute... I'm a little out of practice... :'''Ben Tennyson''': It's Azmuth! :'''Gwen Tennyson''': We should've known! The Omnitrix kept saying it was looking for its creator! :(''Vilgax throws a boulder at Azmuth, who transforms into Rath and catches it'') :'''Rath (Azmuth)''': Let me tell you something, Vilgax, conquerer of ten worlds!! Azmuth will defeat you!! Azmuth will hunt you down even though you're standing right there!! You are no match for the awesomness of Azmuth!!! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Vilgax''': At last, the Omnitrix is mine. :'''Ben Tennyson''': (''watching from a distance'') No. :'''Vilgax''': Behold, the power of the Omnitrix! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Azmuth''': Ben Tennyson? :'''Ben Tennyson''': Azmuth. Everything's going to be okay. (''pats Azimuth on the head'') :'''Azmuth''': Did you just "there, there" me? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Vilgax''': Ben Tennyson, prepare to meet your doom! :'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah, I don't think so. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Vilgax''': Ben Tennyson. I know you're here somewhere. If you ever wish to see your friends alive again, step forward! :'''Azmuth''': They're already lost. There's nothing you can do. :'''Ben Tennyson''': I'll think of something. Hero, remember? (''stepping forward and speaking loudly'') Vilgax, I'm here! Let them go! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Vilgax''': (''about the Omnitrix'') Tell me how to use it! :'''Azmuth''': Umm... No. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Vilgax''': [''unable to access the Omnitrix''] Tell me, Tennyson, is there a key? A magic word? :'''Ben Tennyson''': You'd have to ask Azmuth - not that HE'D ever tell. :'''Vilgax''': For your sake, pray that you are wrong, for if he does not, the great Ben 10 AND his friends shall be fed to the Codon Stream. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Codon Stream? That's... bad, right? :'''Vilgax''': (''exiting'') You amuse to the very end, Ben Tennyson. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gwen Tennyson''': What's a Codon Stream? I thought that stuff was green lava. :'''Kevin Levin''': Seriously? We're about to be boiled alive and you want to learn a new vocabulary word? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kevin Levin''': (''after Ben defeated Vilgax, following Azmuth, and speaking to Gwen about the incident when Ben gave in with Vilgax'') Couldn't you have acted way over the top when Ben gave in to Vilgax? (''pretends to act like Gwen, putting up a girly voice'') Ben, noooooooooooo!!! :'''Gwen Tennyson''': (''defending herself'') I was just trying to help Ben trick Vilgax! :'''Kevin Levin''': Sure. Keep telling yourself that! (''Gwen gave Kevin an angry look'') <hr width="50%"/> :'''Vilgax''': (''after seeing Azmuth with Ben, Gwen and Kevin, trying to figure out the secrets of the Omnitrix'') This world is important to you, eh, Azmuth? More important than your own life? Or those of these children? That leaves me an intriguing option. Tell me how to activate the Omnitrix, or I'll destroy the whole planet. :'''Ben Tennyson''': No! :'''Azmuth''': Ben! :'''Ben Tennyson''': Azmuth can't help you. He's just trying to protect me. I'm the only one who knows how to work the watch! :'''Azmuth''': That's not- :'''Kevin Levin''': Button it, genius. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Vilgax''': You'll work the Omnitrix for me? :'''Ben Tennyson''': (''thinking of an agreement'') If you let my friends go! :'''Vilgax''': We have an agreement! You teach me to operate the Omnitrix, and I'll free your friends! But you, Ben Tennyson, will die. :'''Ben Tennyson''': (''thinking of something else in mind, putting up an act'') All right. I guess I have no choice! :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ben, noooooooooooo!!!!! :'''Ben Tennyson''': (''shouts to Gwen'') I know what I am doing Gwen! :'''Kevin Levin''': Since when? :'''Vilgax''': (''breaks Ben's chain and throws him'') Show me, human! :'''Ben Tennyson''': (''starting to teach Vilgax, as much to Kevin's, Gwen's and Azmuth's shock'') See, when you turn the dial, you have to be pushing in at the same time. (''stops at the hologram of Goop and presses it'') :'''Azmuth''': (''closes his eyes since the light of the Omnitrix is too strong'') Ben, noooooo!!!!! :'''Goop (Vilgax)''': (''does some experimenting with Goop's power'') The power is unbelievable! I can do anything! :'''Ben Tennyson''': Almost anything! (''snatches Goop's gravity projector and deactivates it, double-crossing Vilgax'') :'''Goop (Vilgax)''': (''tries to attack Ben, but falls to the ground before he can'') What did you do? (''straining to get up'') I can't move! :'''Ben Tennyson''': (''cunningly'') I know. I turned off Goop's artificial gravity! (''snatches the Omnitrix from Vilgax and puts it on his hand, now trying to show off'') Who's the hero? :'''Gwen and Azmuth''': (''together and annoyed by Ben's act'') You are. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Everybody? :'''Kevin Levin''': (''also annoyed and rolling his eyes'') You are. :'''Ben Tennyson''': All I ask for is a little credit. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ben Tennyson''': Azmuth! :'''Kevin Levin''': Quick! Chew through our chains! :'''Azmuth''': I am not a rodent! :'''Kevin Levin''': Coul'da fooled me... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Way Big''': (''grabs Vilgax's hand, whacking his face repeatedly with it'') Stop punching yourself, stop punching yourself, stop punching yourself! :'''Kevin Levin''': Heh heh heh heh... Classic... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Vilgax''': To the victor goes the spoils. :'''Kevin Levin''': Sorry to spoil your spoils. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Azmuth''': I suppose I'll have to move the planet and hide it again. :'''Ben Tennyson''': You're WELCOME. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Azmuth''': I just wish to thank you, all of you, for your service to the universe. :'''Ben Tennyson''': What? :'''Azmuth''': We've had our differences, but I know your hearts are in the right place. Although if it were my design, I'd move your hearts a bit more to the center.. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ben Tennyson''': So are we okay again? I mean, does this make up for- :'''Azmuth''': Damaging my Omnitrix? No. I shouldn't even allow you to leave with it. :'''Ben Tennyson''': But will you? :'''Azmuth''': You are welcome, Ben Tennyson. == ''Time Heals'' [3.15] == :'''Gwen''': What are you guys doing here? :'''Kevin''': Nothin'. We definitely were not about to sneak in so we could watch the game on your dad's 60 inch TV. Also, your doorbell was already busted when we got here. :'''Ben''': No it wasn't. He broke it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Professor Paradox''': There's an old saying. Time travel is only for immortals and fools and I speak from experience. :'''Gwen''': Professor Paradox? :'''Professor Paradox''': Hello Gwen. :'''Gwen''': What are you doing here? :'''Professor Paradox''': I'm about to warn you not to go through with this plan of yours. ''[Looks at his pocket watch]'' See I just did, right on schedule. Now comes the part where you tell me... :'''Gwen''': This spell can send me back in time! Back when Ben and Kevin tried to hack the Omnitrix! :'''Professor Paradox''': Yes and you think if you can stop them there won't be any explosion and Kevin won't be transformed into a monster and everything will be wonderfull again! :'''Gwen''': Yes! :'''Professor Paradox''': No! Generally, 2 out of 3 isn't bad, but in this case... Trust me Gwendolyn. Don't do this! :'''Gwen''': But I haven't been able to cure Kevin with my magic. It's the only way. :'''Professor Paradox''': There's always another way. In fact, sometimes to do something, all you need to do is nothing. :'''Gwen''': ''[starts crying]'' You're not making any sense. :'''Professor Paradox''': I'm often accused of that, but i'm the time walker and i'm generally quite well informed on these matters. :'''Gwen''': I have to do this. :'''Professor Paradox''': I suppose you do, but mark my words, Gwen Tennyson. You are about to unleash forces that you can neither comprehend nor control. Toodle-oo. (''vanishes'') <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gwen''' : (''as she gets up from the ground and looks around,she sees Spidermonkey who is moaning softly with pain, hanging from his wrists from the wall. She gasps'') Ben! (''she runs to him and uses her powers to break the chains holding Ben, who falls to the floor and switches back to his human form, his eyes closed. Gwen helps him sit up, as Ben opens his eyes'') :'''Ben''': (''weakly, in a faint voice'') Gwen? But...I saw Charmcaster...you were fighting her and she... :'''Gwen''': I know, Ben...It's all my fault... :'''Ben''': (''Still in pain'') But I don't understand. :'''Gwen''': The Omnitrix... when it blew up... only it didn't... but it should have and would have if only I hadn't tried to fix everything. :'''Ben''': I know i'm kinda messed up, but you're not making any sense. :'''Gwen''': I'll explain as soon as I get you out of here. :(''They stand up and move two steps but Charmcaster breaks through the wall with a rock monster and Kevin'') :'''Charmcaster''': Oh sure like that's gonna happen. <hr width="50"%/> :'''Ben''': (''to Gwen'') You handle the rock monsters, I'll take Charmcaster. (''suddenly bends over, gasps in pain, and puts a hand to his chest, his eyes closed'') :'''Gwen''': (''holding on to Ben's arm'') No Ben. You're hurt. :'''Ben''': (''standing upright again, but still looking as if he's in pain'') I've already lost you once. Not gonna let that happen again. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hex''': I've been waiting for you to show up. After all, you're the time-lost Gwen, the last link to a less-appealing past. :'''Gwen''': How do you know all that? :'''Hex''': Magic, my dear. I love this new world your meddling created. I'm not letting you change it back. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hex''': You must learn patience my dear niece. :'''Charmcaster''': But not right away. First i'm gonna kill... :(''Gwen kicks Charmcaster'') :'''Gwen''': You need to stop saying that. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hex''': It's time to write the last chapter in this sad little saga. :'''Swampfire''': Thanks anyway, Hex, but I'm not much of a reader! (''lets loose a jet of fire which causes the ceiling above Hex to crumble and knocks Hex out...Gwen summons the book of spells'') Let's get out of here, before they have a chance to- (''the Omnitrix crackles with sparks as Swampfire falls to the floor in a curled position and Swampfire turns back into Ben and moans in pain as Gwen kneels beside him, her hand on his back'') <hr width="50%"/> :'''Charmcaster''': Gwen Tennyson? No way! :'''Gwen''': Why so surprised? :'''Charmcaster''': Cause I killed you once and now, i'm gonna do it again! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gwen''': Hold them off, Ben. I need time to cast a spell. :'''Ben''': And that'll fix everything? Do what you can. I trust you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gwen''': You guys need to make up our mind. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Professor Paradox''': Has been quite a day, hasn't it? :'''Gwen''': ''[startled]'' Would you stop doing that! :'''Professor Paradox''': Oh. Very well, of I go. ''[walks away]'' :'''Gwen''': No! Please, don't go anywhere! :'''Professor Paradox''': Actually in my case, it's less of a "where" than it is a "when". :'''Gwen''': You know what happened here? :'''Professor Paradox''': ''You'' happened. When you went back in time and kept Kevin from mutating. :'''Gwen''': But that was the plan. :'''Professor Paradox''': And every plan has unintended consequenses. For instance, Hex and Charmcaster tried to take over the world, as is their want. You, Ben and Kevin swung into action, you were humanity's last line of defense. Only, there was a weak link. :'''Gwen''': Me? :'''Professor Paradox''': Oh no, dear. Not you. Kevin. Because you went into the past and undid that explosion, you kept him from mutating. Ergo, the new Kevin, or, eh, the old Kevin, lacked the powers that would have allowed him to stop Hex and so the bad guys won. :'''Gwen''': I didn't know. :'''Professor Paradox''': I warned you that time travel is for immortals and fools. I'm the only immortal hereabouts. You do the math. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gwen''': I'll save you, Kevin! I promise. :'''Professor Paradox''': That's the sort of thing that got you in trouble in the first place. :'''Gwen''': And Ben? :'''Professor Paradox''': He fought bravely, but eventually, they caught him too. Pity. After you died, he was the planet's last hope. :'''Gwen''': No! Dead?! Me?! :'''Professor Paradox''': Yes! Dead! You! Why are we talking this way? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Past Gwen #1''': (''conversation continues'')...Are you sure? :'''Past Gwen #2''': You will never forgive yourself if you let this happen. :'''Gwen''': Don't listen to her! I'm from her future and she doesn't know what she's talking about! :'''Past Gwen #2''': Oh come on! How do I know you're not an impostor? :'''Gwen''': Ugh, the lock on our locker is broken, we just leave it hanging there so it looks closed... :'''Past Gwen #2''': Alright, you're me, but I still think we should save Kevin. :'''Past Gwen #1''': You guys need to make up our mind! :'''Gwen''': Already done. Paradox was right! We have to let it happen the way it did the first time. :'''Past Gwen #2''': We can't keep Kevin from mutating? :'''Gwen''': No... we can't, (''puts hand on Past Gwen 1's forehead and wipes memory'') and just to make sure she doesn't try—i'll make her forget everything that happened... (''turns her around and walks off with Past Gwen #2'') Come on...(''walks off'') we don't belong here... <hr width="50"%/> :'''Gwen''': (''after fighting Charmcaster and sending her to the ground'') Killing me is not cool! (''hits Charmcaster with her mana again'') == ''The Secret of Chromastone'' [3.16] == :'''Kevin Levin''': ''[on the road, Kevin driving fast as usual, suddenly sees a truck in front of him and horns]'' C'mon, C'mon, move it! ''[sees that the truck does not move]'' Oh! Is that how it's gonna be! ''[Kevin's car forms missile launchers to blast the truck off]'' :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Kevin! :'''Kevin Levin''': What? :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Anger management! Appropriate response! :'''Kevin Levin''': Yeah, ok, no missiles. We're goin' off-road! ''[takes the shortcut and manages to overtake the truck)]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''':'' [Gwen turns around as Ben coughs and then says in a weak voice while laying down on the backseat]'' I dont think I'm gonna make it. :'''Kevin Levin''': Hang in there, hero! We're almost there! :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Look! There it is! :''[The team pulls up at Mr. Smoothy]'' :'''Woman''': ''[through speaker box] May I take your order?'' :'''Kevin Levin''': One mango-blueberry with extra echinacea, stat! :'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[sits up and sneezes]'' Better make it a double. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': ''[Seeing that Ben is overacting, like he is going to die]'' Okay Ben, it's just a common cold. :'''Ben Tennyson''': There's nothing common about this cold, Gwen. It's epic! ''[blows his nose with his hand]'' :'''Gwen Tennyson''': ''(disgusted by Ben's act)'' You are completely disgusting, use a tissue. ''[hands him a tissue]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': I was gonna wipe my hand on my pants. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': I swear, Ben, you're gonna make all of us sick. :'''Kevin Levin''': ''[hands the prepared smoothie to Ben in the backseat]'' Here you go, Tennyson, an old Levin family cure. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Really? Smoothies? :'''Kevin Levin''': Nah. ''[pours a yellowish-brown color medicine in his smoothie]'' The smoothie is so you'll be able to choke down the ''real'' cure. It's bitteroot. ''[Ben takes a sip]'' They call it that because… ''[Ben makes a vomiting sound and his mouth gets stuck to the straw as he stops drinking]'' Anyway, it's good for a cold. Also, it's supposed to ward off bear attacks. Drink up. :'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[muffled]'' I can't. My lips are puckered shut. :'''Kevin Levin''': What? :'''Gwen Tennyson''': He says he can't. His lips are puckered shut. :'''Kevin Levin''': You can understand that? You should be a dentist. <hr width="50%"/> :(''Diamondhead sneezes out crystal shards'') :'''Kevin Levin''': Didn't you hear Gwen? Use a tissue. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Ben? Are you okay? :'''Sugilite''': Not Ben. :'''Diamondhead''': He's right. He's Chromastone. I'm Ben. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': How? :'''Diamondhead''': Like I EVER understood how this works. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Diamondhead''': I didn't know Chromastone could fly. :'''Tetrax Shard''': He can do far more than that. :[''Gwen binds Tetrax''] :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Why don't you tell us all about it? :'''Diamondhead''': AFTER we put me back together. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Diamondhead''': We don't know what'll happen if I transform when I'm in pieces like this. :'''Kevin Levin''': ''[presses the Omnitrix symbol]'' Doesn't matter. Eventually, it's gonna time out anyway. ''[Diamondhead turns back into Ben, looking just as usual]'' Everything where it's supposed to be? :'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[sneezes loudly]'' Just like before. How does this silicon-based life-form get a cold anyway? :'''Tetrax Shard''': I've never had one. :'''Kevin Levin''': From touching doorknobs. Doorknobs and keyboards are covered with germs. :'''Ben Tennyson''': That wasn't what I-- never mind. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tetrax Shard''': That's no shooting star! That's… :[''Vilgax emerges from the smoke''] :'''Ben Tennyson''': Vilgax! :'''Vilgax''': Where is my crystal? :'''Ben Tennyson''': Maybe I should have stayed in bed after all. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[Talking about Vilgax]'' I'll handle him! ''[Attempts to turn into Way Big, but ends up as Humungousaur]'' :'''Humungousaur''': WAY BIG! Oh man... Stupid Omnitrix. ''[Pulls a street lamp out of the ground]'' Get ready to rumble, Vilgax, 'cause Humungousaur is gonna...gonna...gonna... :'''Kevin Levin''': He's gonna blow! ''[dives out of the way while Tetrax runs for cover. Humungousaur sneezes out a pile of snot which lands on Kevin's car]'' :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Uggh, gesundheit! :'''Kevin Levin''': You are ''so'' washing that. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jetray''': (''as Vilgax chases him'') Flying's no fun if everybody can do it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jetray''': Float like a butterfly, sting like a-huh? :(''Vilgax grabs him'') :'''Vilgax''': I'll squash you like the insignificant insect you are! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Do you ever have a plan that doesn't involve crawling around in the sewers? :'''Kevin Levin''': You're welcome. And stop whispering. We're half a mile away from where Vilgax is looking. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Good point. Even with his superhearing, he can't pick us out over all the people talking in the desert [''Ben sneezes loudly, with the sound of it echoing down the sewer. Everyone glares at him''] Come on. What are the odds that he... :[''explosion''] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ben Tennyson''': I wonder if I should really be flying with this cold. What if my head explodes? :'''Kevin Levin''': Don't worry. In space, no one can hear you sneeze. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sugilite''': I beg of you, do not do this. :'''Vilgax''': Why not? The crystal is mine. I paid for it. You're nothing but a common thief! (''starts attacking Sugilite'') :'''Sugilite''': Billions of lives are at stake! :'''Vilgax''': You should be concerned with preserving your own life. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Vilgax''': Any last words? :'''Sugilite''': I must protect my people...have mercy! :'''Vilgax''': Mercy? Never heard of it! ''[takes the crystal]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sugilite''': But I'm too weak to continue. Ben... please. :[''Sugilite gives Ben the crystal''] :'''Kevin Levin''': What are you supposed to do? :'''Ben Tennyson''': I don't know. :[''activates the Omnitrix''] :'''Diamondhead''': But Diamondhead does! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Vilgax''': That fool! Using all of the crystal's power just to reassemble a dead world. All this for nothing! [''Vilgax flies off''] :'''Ben Tennyson''': I'll show you "nothing!" Come back and fight! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ben Tennyson''': Chromastone! You're alive! :'''Sugilite''': Not Chromastone. He is still in your Omnitrix. I am Sugilite, Guardian of Petropia. :'''Ben Tennyson''': I think this belongs to you. ''[gives the crystal to Sugilite]'' :'''Sugilite''': I am in your debt, as are all Crystalsapiens. :''[Everyone cheers for Ben]'' :'''Kevin Levin''': We're never going to hear the end of this, are we? :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Nope, not ever. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gwen Tennyson''': We don't want to hold you up. You must be anxious to get back to your friends. :'''Tetrax Shard''': I am, but first, I have a score to settle with Vilgax. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Are you sure that's such a great idea? I mean he's pretty much invulnerable. :'''Tetrax Shard''': Maybe. Maybe not. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Vilgax''': ''[sneezing after catching Ben's cold]'' I don't believe this! == ''Above and Beyond'' [3.17] == :'''Alan Albright''': Helen? Anything? :'''Helen Wheels''': Nothing. :'''Manny Armstrong''': I'm sick and tired of waiting around. Let's go out and find some action! :'''Pierce Wheels''': No way, Manny. The Wrench told us to wait here. :'''Manny Armstrong''': So what? :'''Pierce Wheels''': So when he's not here, I'm in charge. You wanna go on a field trip? First, you have to get by me. :'''Manny Armstrong''': Sounds like almost ten seconds of pure entertainment! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ben Tennyson''': You can run, but you can't hide! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Humungousaur''': Are the little Plumbers' Helpers spying on me? Stay out of this! If you get involved, I promise, Grandpa Max isn't the only one who's gonna get hurt! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Pierce Wheels''': ''[while fighting Ben, gaining some time to speak to Ben]'' Ben, whatever's controlling you, you have to fight it! :'''Goop''': ''[putting up an act]'' Help me, Pierce. I can't stop myself! You're my only hope! :'''Pierce Wheels''': What can I do to help? ''[suddenly Goop throws some goo on Pierce's face]'' :'''Goop''': ''[laughs]'' "What can I do to help?" You're pathetic! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Manny Armstrong''': Who needs help? It's four against one. :'''Alan Albright''': It's four against Ben. He taught us practically everything we know. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Manny Armstrong''': I know you're in here. Come out and show yourself! The others might be afraid, but I'm not scared of you! :'''Ben Tennyson''': That's because the others are smarter than you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Manny Armstrong''': My Blasters! :'''Ben Tennyson''': You don't need them to take on little old me... :'''Manny Armstrong''': You got that right! :'''Ben Tennyson''': Too bad you're not fighting just little old me ''[Transforms into Rath]'' RAAAATH! :'''Manny Armstrong''': I always wanted a piece of you anyway. :'''Rath''': '''''LEMME TELL YA SOMETHIN', MANNY ARMSTRONG!!! YOU WANNA PIECE OF RATH?!!! YOU GOT A PIECE!!! BUT YOU JUST BIT OFF AN EYE BIGGER THAN YOUR STOMACH CAN CHEW!!!!!''''' :'''Manny Armstrong''': That made no sense! :'''Rath''': ''[Angry]'' ... '''I know!!!''''' :'''Manny Armstrong''': Is that all you got? 'cause that was weak. ''[Continues fighting Rath, gets Rath in headlock]'' You're not so tough! I don't know why everyone's so scared of you! :'''Rath''': '''''THEN LEMME SHOW YA, PIPSQUEAK!!! '''[Starts using wrestling moves against Manny]''' POLARIS PILEDRIVER!! ANTARIAN ARM BAR!! OPHIUCHUS FACE-PLANT!! SIRIUS BUTT-KICKING!!''''' :'''Manny Armstrong''': So, is that "Sirius" like the star, or "serious" like important? :'''Rath''': Like the star! :'''Manny Armstrong''': Just... checking. ''[passes out]'' :'''Rath''': So are you scared yet?! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Helen Wheels''': Ben did this to you? :'''Manny Armstrong''': Lucky punch. Followed by a lucky hammer lock, lucky kick, another lucky punch... :'''Helen Wheels''': I see. :'''Manny Armstrong''': Then it all starts to get a little fuzzy. But there were several more pieces of luck involved. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ben Tennyson''': Where are the others, Alan? :'''Alan Albright''': [''nervously''] Uh, I'm not sure. :'''Ben Tennyson''': That's too bad. You shoulda stayed with THEM. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Manny Armstrong''': (''to Helen'') You know why I like you? Because you're not totally useless. :'''Helen Wheels''': You're gonna spoil me with all the sweet talk. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Manny Armstrong''': I had him. I had him and he got away! :'''Pierce Wheels''': No. WE had him. Don't you see? Separately we're no match for him, but together... together we sent him running. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ben Tennyson''': I've been three steps ahead of you all day. I've outflanked you, I've outpowered you, and I haven't even been trying. This satellite is a dangerous place. I told you kids not to come here. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Helen Wheels''': I can't believe we won. :'''Alan Albright''': I can't believe we just blew Ben Tennyson into outer space. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Helen Wheels''': Flight path? There's no flying involved. The satellite's gonna crash and there's no way to stop it. :'''Pierce Wheels''': I can think of one way. We blow up the satellite before it can crash. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Manny Armstrong''': [''about the self-destruct device''] I'll set it to blow up and meet you guys on our ship in a couple of minutes. :'''Helen Wheels''': Manny... :'''Manny Armstrong''': Our ship that we... blew out the airlock. I don't like where THIS is going. :'''Alan Albright''': But there's no other way. :'''Pierce Wheels''': Sacrifice ourselves and save millions of lives. :'''Helen Wheels''': It's worth it. :'''Alan Albright''': We wanted to be Plumbers. This is what Plumbers do. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[trying to make himself warm]'' I can't believe you guys ejected me into space! ''[shivering]'' That's-that's just wrong! :'''Pierce Wheels''': ''[shocked with the other's to see Ben alive]'' What's going on over here? :'''Grandpa Max''': Let me use the emergency thrusters to put us back into a safe orbit and then I'll explain. :'''Ben Tennyson''': This satellite isn't a storage facility. It's a training station. :'''Pierce Wheels''': This was all just a test? :'''Grandpa Max''': The "Ben being out of control and attacking me" scenario was a test. :'''Ben Tennyson''': But not "the satellite about to crash into London" part. We really knocked this thing out of orbit. :'''Manny Armstrong''': Cool! ''[gets hit by Helen by her elbow]'' What? :'''Grandpa Max''': You put the safety of others ahead of your own lives. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Next stop, Plumber's Academy. :'''Alan Albright''': ''[shocked with the others, questioning Helen]'' Did he just say Plumber's Academy? :'''Helen Wheels''': We're gonna be real Plumbers! :'''Grandpa Max''': Make me proud. :(''Helen and Ben both hug Max, while Pierce, Manny and Alan get into a little conversation thus ending the episode'') == ''Vendetta'' [3.18] == :'''Rath''': You tin cans want to tangle with Rath? Come on! Let's do it! There'e enough of me for the lot of ya! :'''Forever Knight''': Wait. New plan. Run away! RUN AWAY! :[''the Forever Knights run away but find Kevin blocking their path''] :'''Kevin Levin''': Bad idea. :[''the knights run away again and find Gwen''] :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Lady or the tiger, boys. Your choice. Okay, not really. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gwen Tennyson''': So that garage your friend lets you use... :'''Kevin Levin''': It's at my mom's place. What? You think I live in a tent in the woods? :'''Ben Tennyson''': Either there or in some cool underground cave. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gwen Tennyson''': If I give you the answers, you'll never learn anything. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Hey, I thought no child was supposed to be left behind. :'''Kevin Levin''': If you don't pass trig, I'm pretty sure that's not true. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Grandpa Max''': Ben, Gwen! Well, this is a pleasant surprise. You kids interested in one of my famous wombat omelets? :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Maybe later. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Devin Levin''': Max! He's getting closer! :'''Grandpa Max''': Ship won't go any faster, Devin! :'''Devin Levin''': Have you tried flapping your arms? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ragnarok''': Enough games. Where is my key? :'''Devin Levin''': Have you tried checking under the couch? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ragnarok''': How noble - willing to sacrifice yourself for your principles - but will you be quite so cavalier with the life of your partner? :'''Devin Levin''': No! :'''Grandpa Max''': Don't worry about me, Devin. If the choice is me or the solar system, it's no choice at all. :'''Ragnarok''': Last chance - my key or your friend. Which will it be? :'''Devin Levin''': You'll get nothing from me! :'''Ragnarok''': Your friend it is, then. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Devin Levin''': Ragnarok? :'''Grandpa Max''': In the Null Void, where he belongs. You just, rest easy. You're gonna be okay. :'''Devin Levin''': (''groans'') We both know that's not true pal. Still... it's not a bad way to go. Saving the world. :'''Grandpa Max''': Devin, no, no stay with me! :'''Devin Levin''': I'll always be with you, Max. You tell my wife and son I love them. [''he then dies''] :'''Grandpa Max''': I will old friend. You have my word. I promise they'll be proud. :''[End of flashback]'' :'''Grandpa Max''': We tried to find Ragnarok’s ship. But it disappeared when he was sucked into the Null Void. :'''Ben Tennyson''': But what does Kevin want with him? :'''Grandpa Max''': My partner's name was Devin Levin. Ragnarok is the monster who murdered Kevin's father. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ragnarok''': You're an Osmosian, yes? Who are you? :'''Kevin Levin''': ''[to Ragnarok]'' My name is Kevin Ethan Levin. [[w:The Princess Bride | You killed my father. Prepare to die.]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gwen Tennyson''': ''[to Kevin]'' We tracked you with your Plumber's badge. :'''Kevin Levin''': I told you to stay out of this! :'''Ben Tennyson''': Since when have we ever listened to you? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gwen Tennyson''': We're your friends, Kevin. We're not letting you go through this alone. :'''Ben Tennyson''': We're gonna help you capture this creep if it's the last thing we do. :'''Kevin Levin''': Right. Capture. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kevin Levin''': We'll split up and search. You go port, I'll go starboard. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Hey! Who died and made you boss? :'''Kevin Levin''': If you got a problem with it, you! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kevin Levin''': There's nowhere you can hide from me! :'''Ragnarok''': I'm about to extinguish your sun, Levin. Your world will die. We shall not meet again. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ragnarok''': [''as Kevin smashes some equipment''] Stop! You don't know what you're doing! :'''Kevin Levin''': I know exactly what I'm doing. I'm saving the Earth and avenging my dad! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ragnarok''': Please, take my hand. Save me. :'''Kevin Levin''': Save you? You killed my dad, remember? :'''Ragnarok''': Yes. Your father. He was a Plumber, an honorable man. He would never let anyone die if he could help it. Please! For your father. :[''Kevin removes the key from Ragnarok's head''] :'''Ragnarok''': No! :'''Kevin Levin''': For my father. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gwen Tennyson''': He's going through a lot, Ben. He idolizes his father and... ''[whispers]'' We have to find Ragnarok before Kevin does. I'm afraid of what he might do. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Kevin? Come on. He talks all tough, but he would never- :'''Kevin Levin''': Guys. Quick, come here! ''[Ben and Gwen run towards him]'' This way, I found him! ''[Points to what appears to be a small room]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': We have to be ready for any- ''[Realizes Ragnarok isn't there.]'' Hey! What is this? ''[Kevin seals Ben and Gwen in an escape pod]'' :'''Gwen Tennyson''': It's an escape pod. :'''Ben Tennyson''': This isn't funny, Levin. Let us out! :'''Kevin Levin''': Just remember, Tennyson, I asked you to stay out of this. ''[launches the escape pod]'' :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Oh, Kevin, what have you done? :'''Ben Tennyson''': There's got to be a way for us to get back. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': It's on auto pilot to Earth. No controls. No space suits. Kevin is on his own. :'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[angry]'' Just like he planned it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ragnarok''': You again? I should have eliminated you when I had the chance! :'''Kevin Levin''': Your mistake. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kevin Levin''': Hey, I'm a survivor, remember? Guess I got it from my dad, like saving the world. :'''Ben Tennyson''': And Ragnarok? :'''Kevin Levin''': Didn't make it. == ''The Final Battle'' == :'''Myaxx''': Azmuth? :'''Azmuth''': What is it, Myaxx? I'm trying to think. :'''Myaxx''': I have updated information on the break-in last night. :'''Azmuth''': Don't pause for suspense. Tell me. :'''Myaxx''': We've completed the inventory. Only one item was stolen…your greatest invention. :'''Azmuth''': The Ultimatrix. Still, the energy core wasn't complete, so there isn't much our thief can do with it. We can always rebuild it. :'''Myaxx''': That wasn't all, sir. We have security vids of the robbery. We know who has it. :'''Azmuth''': [''as he's watching the video of Albedo stealing the Ultimatix's core''] No. Not him. Anyone but him. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Albedo''': I've done it, I've recreated the power of the Omnitrix! No, I've exceeded it! After all this time, I'm but one transformation from escaping this cursed Human form and returning to my own. ''[starts cycling throught the Ultimatrix' active list]'' There's no Galvan in the active list, and the other lists are locked! There's nothing here but Tennyson's aliens! :'''Vilgax''': Trouble? :'''Albedo''': An unexpected setback. My new Omnitrix is still linked to the original's database. Ben's Human DNA is still the default. :'''Vilgax''': And you're still trapped. :'''Albedo''': Only until I get my hands on the original Omnitrix. I can use it to reset this one. Then, I'm cured. :'''Vilgax''': You say it as if taking the Omnitrix is a simple task. Admit it, Albedo, we need each other. :'''Albedo''': No, I need the Omnitrix, and you ''want'' it. That's a bad basis for an alliance. :'''Vilgax''': I don't want the Omnitrix anymore. I just want to '''''kill''''' Ben Tennyson. ''[Albedo smiles]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kraab''': You would hunt the hunter? You forget your place. You are prey. <hr width="50%"> :'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[about Kraab]'' You guys saved him? :'''Kevin Levin''': In my defense, Gwen made me. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gwen Tennyson''': That thing on your arm. :'''Ben Tennyson''': I know. Pretty smart, huh? With this, I can't change to anything. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': You should be more careful. :'''Ben Tennyson''': What for? I always win anyway. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Nice attitude. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Hey, my overconfidence is one of my most endearing qualities. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': No, it really isn't. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kevin Levin''': Everything's fine. I can fly this thing. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': When you said everything's fine, you knew we were headed for an asteroid field right? :'''Kevin Levin''': I did not know that. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kevin Levin''': I don't watch a lot of television. :'''Ben Tennyson''': This isn't the best one to start with. It's not "Sumo Slammers Classic", it's "Sumo Slammers: Hero Generation". :'''Kevin Levin''': Yeah, I don't really care. :'''Ben Tennyson''': It's a sequel to the original show, but they kinda messed it up. It's like five years later and the bad guy, Kenko, has teamed up with the hero, Ishiyama. ''[Kevin moans]'' It's not very realistic, is all I'm saying. :'''Kevin Levin''': Aha... :'''Ben Tennyson''': Anyway, there's only five more of these before they cycle back to the original show. You'll see, it's way better. :'''Kevin Levin''': [''reaching his limit''] Yeah. I gotta go. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Where? :'''Kevin Levin''': I don't know. Somewhere. ''[later driving in his car]'' I'm surrounded by nerds. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Vilgax''': What took you so long? Surely it wasn't difficult to defeat Levin. :'''Albedo''': I stopped for chili fries. I've acquired a human weakness for the delicacy. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Grandpa Max''': Ah, there's nothin' like a fresh batch of deep-fried octopus eyes. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ben Tennyson''': Grandpa? :'''Grandpa Max''': We've got trouble, Ben. It's your evil twin. He… :'''Albedo''': Greetings, Ben Tennyson. Since your grandfather managed to escape me, you must already know that I'm after you. But did you know that I have your friends? :'''Ben Tennyson''': Albedo, let them go, or- :'''Grandpa Max''': Easy, Ben. He wants you angry. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Then today's his lucky day! I'm coming for you, Albedo! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Grandpa Max''': Don't be overconfident, Ben. We'll call some of the Plumber kids back to Earth, put a plan together, go up against him in force. Right, Ben? [''looks around''] Ben? [''realizes Ben has left''] Nah. It's only cool when I do it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ben Tennyson''': I know it's a trap. I'm not just walking in there. :'''Albedo''': ''[walks out]'' Then I'll come out. And you're right, it ''is'' a trap. ''[transforms into Negative Humungousaur]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': I see you got your knock-off Omnitrix working again. ''[transforms into Humungousaur]'' :'''Humungousaur''': Humungousaur! :'''Negative Humungousaur''': It's not a knock-off. It's the Ultimatrix, and it's a definite improvement over the original. Wanna see? ''[turns the Ultimatrix symbol]'' Not only can I transform into anything you can, but I can also evolve those creatures to their Ultimate Form. ''[slaps the Ultimatrix symbol, and transforms into Ultimate Humungousaur]'' :'''Negative Ultimate Humungousaur''': Meet… Ultimate Humungousaur! :'''Humungousaur''': ''[sighs]'' I've beaten tougher guys that you. :'''Negative Ultimate Humungosaur''': Really, when? :'''Humungousaur''': For starters… how about now! ''[charges toward Negative Ultimate Humungousaur]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Vilgax''': Here's what's going to happen, Ben Tennyson: you're going to give me the Omnitrix... or I'm going to kill your friends. :'''Kevin Levin''': Don't listen to him! He's just a big green blowhard! (''Vilgax squeezes him harder as he screams'') :'''Vilgax''': What's it going to be, Tennyson? :'''Humungousaur''': Okay, stop. :'''Kevin Levin''': (''begging'') Don't do it, Ben. :'''Humungousaur''': Omnitrix, voice-command mode. :'''Omnitrix''': This mode is locked and not available. :'''Humungousaur''': Command function override. Code 10. :'''Omnitrix''': Override accepted. :'''Humungousaur''': Decouple Omntirix. Command code -- 0-0-0. Release coupling. 0. :'''Omnitrix''': Command accepted. Omnitrix decoupled. :(''The Omnitrix decouples from Ben'') :'''Vilgax''': Give it to me. :(''Ben gives Vilgax the Omnitrix and takes it; Vilgax raises the Omnitrix in his hand in the air and laughs evilly'') :'''Vilgax''': I'm about to conquer this planet. It doesn't matter where they've run. There's no place safe to hide. :'''Negative Ultimate Humungousaur''': You're right. And our alliance has served its purpose. :'''Vilgax''': Hmm? :'''Negative Ultimate Humungousaur''': Our agreement? Once you give me Tennyson's Omnitrix, I can free myself from that hideous human form. :'''Vilgax''': There's been a change in plans. I'm ''keeping'' the Omnitrix. :'''Negative Ultimate Humungousaur''': Why are you doing this, Vilgax? We had a deal. You don't even need the Omnitrix's power. :'''Vilgax''': True. I don't, but my army DOES. My bioids are synthetic soldiers with blank DNA, all synced to the Omnitrix. :[''Vilgax activates the Omnitrix''] :'''Biod Humungousaurs''': Humungousaur! Humungousaur! Humungousaur! Humungousaur! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kevin Levin''': ''[watching Albedo being defeated by Vilgax's army''] Bad day to be him. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Worse day to be me. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Vilgax''': It's going to be glorious, Albedo! :'''Albedo''': Pardon me if I don't break into applause. :'''Vilgax''': Of all the worlds I've conquered, this one will be the sweetest. :''[Ben, Gwen, Grandpa Max and Kevin teleport onto the ship]'' :'''Grandpa Max''': There's an old Earth expression about not counting your chickens before they're hatched. :'''Vilgax''': The Tennyson family, and their pet juvenile delinquent. :'''Kevin Levin''': "Juvenile"? I'm gonna be eighteen a year from next Tuesday! :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Your birthday's next week and you didn't even tell me? :'''Kevin Levin''': It's no big deal. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': I don't have time to pick out a present! :'''Vilgax''': I wouldn't worry about it, girl. None of you will live to see the day. :'''Ben Tennyson''': I think that's the longest I've been around you without hearing a death threat! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Vilgax''': You've won so many battles, but the war is mine. Bow down before me. :'''Ben Tennyson''': You've got the Omnitrix, Vilgax. Don't press your luck! :'''Vilgax''': Still defiant. Why? I have beaten you, Ben Tennyson. You have nothing. :'''Grandpa Max''': He's got friends! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kevin Levin''': What's the plan, Tennyson? :'''Ben Tennyson''': Plan? Haven't you been paying attention? It's hopeless. Vilgax has an army with all of my powers. I lost the Omnitrix! :'''Kevin Levin''': But you still have your whiny voice. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Stop this thing, Grandpa. STOP IT! :[''Ben runs out the RV''] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Grandpa Max''': Let Ben have some time. He just needs to be alone for a while. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Grandpa, that's the last thing he needs right now. <hr width="50%"/> :[''It's raining and Gwen offers Ben his jacket''] :'''Ben Tennyson''': I don't deserve that. It belongs to a hero. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gwen Tennyson''': We're depending on you, Ben. The whole world is, and I know you'll come through. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ben Tennyson''': Azmuth, help me! Please! Just so I can help them. :'''Azmuth''': (''appears'') You are a fool. :'''Ben Tennyson''': You don't hear me arguing. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Azmuth''': The Omnitrix wasn't intended for you. It was intended for your grandfather, the greatest Plumber in the Milky Way Galaxy. :'''Ben Tennyson''': But I found it. :'''Azmuth''': An accident. Unfortunately, your DNA signature was close enough to Max's that it allowed you to put it on. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Why didn't you take it from me? :'''Azmuth''': I intended to, but your grandfather convinced me you were a better choice. He said you had the seeds of greatness. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Vilgax''': It's going to be glorious, Albedo. :'''Albedo''': Pardon me for not breaking into applause. :'''Vilgax''': Of all the worlds I've conquered, this one will be the sweetest. :(''the good guys teleport in'') :'''Grandpa Max''': There's an old Earth expression about not counting your chickens before they're hatched! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Vilgax''': You're going to try a Hero's Challenge, fight me one-on-one for the Earth, somehow trick me into giving up the Omnitrix so you can save the day? :'''Ben Tennyson''': Nope. You're going to give the Omnitrix of your own free will. :'''Vilgax''': Why would I do that? :'''Ben Tennyson''': So you don't blow up. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ben Tennyson''': Omnitrix, Command function override, Code 10. :'''Omnitrix''': Override accepted. Voice command activated. :'''Vilgax''': What are you...? :'''Ben Tennyson''': Omnitrix, self-destruct in 30 seconds, command code 0-0-0, destruct, 0. :'''Omnitrix''': Destruct sequence completed and engaged. Detonation in ''T'' minus thirty seconds. :'''Vilgax''': If the Omnitrix self-destructs, it will destroy the entire universe. :'''Ben Tennyson''': It would if I let the charge build up for a few days, but I'm only giving it 30 seconds. :'''Omnitrix''': Detonation in ''T'' minus 20 seconds. :'''Ben Tennyson''': My bad. 20 seconds. Take off the Omnitrix or it's gonna blow! :'''Vilgax''': You're bluffing. (''makes the Bioids transform into Swampfire'') :'''Bioid Swampfires''': SWAMPFIRE! (''marches towards Ben'') :'''Vilgax''': Destroy him! (''the Bioids prepare to attack'') :'''Omnitrix''': Detonation in ''T'' minus 10 seconds. (''the Bioids look at the Omnitrix as it continues counting down'') 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... (''Self-destructs, sending Vilgax flying into a wall'') :'''Kevin Levin''': (''as Ben runs towards Vilgax, puts his hands on the sides of his head'') Aaaaaaaaahhhhh!!!... (''falls to the ground'') :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Kevin! :(''as Gwen and Grandpa Max crouch down next to Kevin, Ben runs to Vilgax and picks up the remains of the Omnitrix'') <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kevin Levin''': I've got a headache like you wouldn't belie- (''Ben, Max, and Gwen smile at him'') What? :'''Gwen Tennyson''': You're human again. (''Kevin looks at himself'') :'''Grandpa Max''': It must've been the Omnitrix that was keeping you in that form. Once it was destroyed... :'''Kevin Levin''': I'm normal? :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Let me show you... (''they kiss'') :(''Grandpa Max smiles'') :'''Ben Tennyson''': It was a nice little moment. Why'd they have to do that? :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Victory kiss. :'''Vilgax''': Premature. You haven't yet won. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Vilgax''': No! I won't lose to you children! Not again! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ben Tennyson''': I'm going to let you go, but I'll be taking your Omnitrix. :'''Albedo''': Ultimatrix. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Whatever. Do we have a deal? :'''Albedo''': What's in it for me? :'''Ben Tennyson''': I don't have time for this. ''[Ben frees Albedo]'' Command Function Override Code 10. :'''Ultimatrix''': Override accepted. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Hey! What do you know? It recognizes my voice. :'''Albedo''': Wait! What are you doing? :'''Ben Tennyson''': Omnitrix, self-destruct in 30 Seconds. Command code -- 0-0-0, destruct, 0. :'''Ultimatrix''': Destruct sequence completed and engaged. Detonation in ''T'' minus 30 seconds. :'''Albedo''': You're bluffing. :'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[holds up the destroyed Omnitrix]'' Ask Vilgax if I'm bluffing. ''[Albedo looks at the destroyed Omnitrix and gives the Ultimatrix to Ben, who puts the Ultimatrix on his wrist]'' I like the old one better. :'''Albedo''': Um... :'''Ben Tennyson''': Oh, Abort self-destruct, Code 10. :'''Ultimatrix''': Self-destruct sequence aborted. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Grandpa Max''': What did you do? :'''Vilgax''': I can't conquer the Earth today, but I CAN punish you. The ship is locked on collision course - with Bellwood. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gwen Tennyson''': (''looks at Swampfire'') Green eyes? Ben? :'''Vilgax''': Tennyson! :'''Swampfire''': Miss me? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Swampfire''': You and Grandpa get to the Control Room and turn this ship around. I'm gonna need some help, Kevin. Got my back? :'''Kevin Levin''': We got each other's. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Vilgax punches Ben as Swampfire and sends him flying into a machine]'' :'''Vilgax''': You're losing, Tennyson! :'''Swampfire''': Maybe so, but the new rig comes with some extras. ''[Transforms into Ultimate Swampfire]'' :'''Ultimate Swampfire''': Ultimate Swampfire!! ''[Vilgax charges at him, but he blasts Vilgax back]'' What're ya sayin', Vilgy? Round 2? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Vilgax''': Your bravery is obvious, but I do question your intelligence. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Grandpa Max''': We're going too fast to turn around but we can angle away from the city and ditch in the ocean! :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Where's the ocean? :'''Grandpa Max''': Aim at the blue part! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Vilgax''': Fire's not so useful now that we're in ''my'' element! :'''Ultimate Swampfire''': A sinking ship is your element? That explains sooo much. :'''Vilgax''': Joke while you can. Now you face the true form of Vilgax! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gwen Tennyson''': What happened to Vilgax? :'''Ben Tennyson''': I didn't see him get out, but he's survived worse. :'''Kevin Levin''': He could come back. :'''Ben Tennyson''': If he ever does, it's hero time. ==External links== {{wikipedia|Ben 10: Alien Force}} [[Category:Ben 10: Alien Force seasons]] [[Category:American television seasons]] [[Category:Children's television seasons]] orh18bpnlknixqcacmjvxtqlvabdl1s 0 193525 3153150 2489538 2022-08-10T07:13:33Z Relinus 3124592 Relinus moved page [[Abby Johnson (activist)]] to [[Abby Johnson]]: Remove unneeded parentheses wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:13.05.2015 Conferencia Abby Johnson en HazteOir.jpg|thumb]] '''[[w:Abby Johnson (activist)|Abby Johnson]]''' (born July 10, 1980) is an American anti-abortion [[activist]] who previously worked at Planned Parenthood as a clinic director, but resigned after watching an [[abortion]] on ultrasound. {{Activist-stub}} == Quotes == * When I was working at Planned Parenthood I was extremely pro-choice, I would say there was a definite conversion in my heart... a spiritual conversion. Every meeting that we had was, "We don't have enough money, we don't have enough money — we've got to keep these abortions coming," It's a very lucrative business and that's why they want to increase numbers. ** [http://www.foxnews.com/us/2009/11/02/planned-parenthood-director-quits-watching-abortion-ultrasound.html Planned Parenthood Director Quits After Watching Abortion on Ultrasound] (November 2, 2009) == External links== {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Johnson, Abby}} [[Category:Pro-life activists]] [[Category:People from Texas]] [[Category:1980 births]] [[Category:Living people]] d1ytzp7p9g2lmett7j647aaychfxpd9 0 194702 3153006 2596320 2022-08-09T21:24:31Z UDScott 4304 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:The Phantom of the Opera (1989 film)|The Phantom of the Opera]]''''' is a [[w:1989 in film|1989 film]] about a young soprano who becomes the obsession of a horribly disfigured composer. :''Directed by [[w:Dwight H. Little|Dwight H. Little]]. Written by [[w:Gerry O'Hara|Gerry O'Hara]].'' {{center|'''Robert Englund Was "Freddy." Now he's the... Phantom of the Opera An all new nightmare!'''&nbsp; <small>([[#Taglines|taglines]])</small>}} == Erik Destler == * Up there, those are the actors and the costumes and the scenery. They don't know the soul of the opera. In your dressing room, I could only teach you the words, the notes. But here... here I can teach you the meaning. * Only love and music are forever. * I like it better in the dark. The night is far too short as it is. * ''[to Christine]'' Your father has sent me. I am your angel. All of your lessons have led to this moment. We will make music that the world will love forever. Take the last step to me. To your destiny. To immortality. == Other == * '''The Devil''': ''[as he burns Erik's face with a magic touch]'' People will love you for your music. But that is all that they will love you for. == Dialogue == :'''Insp. Hawkins''': Do you believe in God, Mr. Dutton? :'''Richard Dutton''': Yes. :'''Insp. Hawkins''': Good. Because it's going to take a leap of faith for you to understand what I'm about to tell you. The Phantom is real. It has a name. Erik Destler. :'''Richard Dutton''': But that's just a story. :'''Insp. Hawkins''': I know the legend as well as you. He sold his soul to the devil so the world would love him for his talent. The devil had a price. He mutilated his face so terribly, that no one could stand to love him ever again. :'''Richard Dutton''': And it's said the only way to kill the Phantom is to destroy his music. :'''Insp. Hawkins''': I don't believe in phantoms or legends, Mr. Dutton, but I do believe in facts. And the fact is, this man, this creature, is still alive. Still alive and living under your opera. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Martin Barton''': Don't test me, Carlotta. I could drown you too easily. :'''La Carlotta''': Better to be submerged in bath water than mediocrity. Wouldn't you agree? <hr width="50%"/> :'''La Carlotta''': ''[about to take off Erik's mask]'' What will I think when I see? :'''Erik Destler''': You'll just... die! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Christine Day''': ''[as Erik escorts her deep into the sewers]'' Where are we going? :'''Erik Destler''': Home. No one can hurt you here. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Erik Destler''': Could it be that I saw you at the opera last night? :'''Harrison''': It's possible, I am the opera critic of the Gazette. :'''Erik Destler''': Indeed, I found your account of Christine Day's performance, some what troubling. Could it be that we saw different shows? :'''Harrison''': Ah Ms. Day, I was sorry for her, embarrassed really, the role was beyond her! :'''Erik Destler''': Then perhaps you weren't afforded a seat befitting your status and your knowledge of the arts. The acoustics are somewhat inconsistent. Should you reconsider your evaluation, I could provide you with a private box. :'''Harrison''': Sir, you flatter me. But in all truthfulness, I think I would rather die than to listen to that shrieking child for another evening! :'''Erik Destler''': As you wish! ''[attacks and kills Harrison]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Erik Destler''': You love the music. I am the music. Now you are married to the music. You cannot serve two masters. Do not see another. :'''Christine Day''': I promise. :'''Erik Destler''': Tonight, you shall be my bride. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Christine Day''': Are you going to kill me now, too? :'''Erik Destler''': Everyone dies... I only choose the time and place for a few. :'''Christine Day''': When do you choose for me? :'''Erik Destler''': This is either a wedding march or a funeral mass. You decide which. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Christine Day''': You're him, aren't you? :'''Erik Destler''': Had you expected someone else? Christine, you have always been my inspiration. You. And now, it's only a question of what you want: Love or music. I have waited a very long time for you to come back to me my dear. We had a bargain you and I...FOREVER! Forever. :'''Christine Day ''': ''[snatches up one of his surgical tools]'' NOT... ''[stabs him with it]'' FOREVER! == Taglines == * Robert Englund Was "Freddy." Now he's the... ''Phantom of the Opera'' An all new nightmare! == About == * Hollywood remakes everything and I am not an actor to complain about it. One of my biggest paydays ever was when I did the remake of ''Phantom of the Opera''. We have to remember the movies our grandparents saw are all remakes of silent films. ** [[Robert Englund]], [http://bloody-disgusting.com/interviews/3312129/interview-robert-englund-talks-elm-street-latest-film-last-showing/ Robert Englund On Remakes, ‘Elm Street’ and ‘The Last Showing’] (September 10, 2014) == Cast == * [[Robert Englund]] - [[w:Erik (The Phantom of the Opera)|Erik Destler, The Phantom of the Opera]]/Mr. Foster * [[w:Jill Schoelen|Jill Schoelen]] - [[w:Christine Daaé|Christine Day]] * [[w:Alex Hyde-White|Alex Hyde-White]] - [[w:Viscount Raoul de Chagny|Richard Dutton]] * [[w:Bill Nighy|Bill Nighy]] - Martin Barton * [[w:Stephanie Lawrence|Stephanie Lawrence]] - [[w:Carlotta (The Phantom of the Opera)|La Carlotta]] * [[w:Molly Shannon|Molly Shannon]] - Meg (New York) * Emma Rawson - [[w:Meg Giry|Meg]] (London) * [[w:Terence Harvey|Terence Harvey]] - Inspector Hawkins * Nathan Lewis - Davies * Peter Clapham - Harrison * Yehuda Efroni - The Rat Catcher * [[w:Terence Beesley|Terence Beesley]] - [[w:Joseph Buquet|Joseph Buquet]] * [[w:Mark Ryan (actor)|Mark Ryan]] - Mott * Nancy Fontana - the singing voice of Christine == External links == {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title|id=0098090|title=The Phantom of the Opera}} * {{mojo title|phantomoftheopera89|The Phantom of the Opera}} * {{rotten-tomatoes|1016239-phantom_of_the_opera|The Phantom of the Opera}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Phantom of the Opera, The}} [[Category:1989 films]] [[Category:American films]] [[Category:Works based on the Faust legend]] lq7ya1030hkcsmdntqtol6xidmk0pam 3153008 3153006 2022-08-09T21:27:11Z UDScott 4304 + 8 categories using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:The Phantom of the Opera (1989 film)|The Phantom of the Opera]]''''' is a [[w:1989 in film|1989 film]] about a young soprano who becomes the obsession of a horribly disfigured composer. :''Directed by [[w:Dwight H. Little|Dwight H. Little]]. Written by [[w:Gerry O'Hara|Gerry O'Hara]].'' {{center|'''Robert Englund Was "Freddy." Now he's the... Phantom of the Opera An all new nightmare!'''&nbsp; <small>([[#Taglines|taglines]])</small>}} == Erik Destler == * Up there, those are the actors and the costumes and the scenery. They don't know the soul of the opera. In your dressing room, I could only teach you the words, the notes. But here... here I can teach you the meaning. * Only love and music are forever. * I like it better in the dark. The night is far too short as it is. * ''[to Christine]'' Your father has sent me. I am your angel. All of your lessons have led to this moment. We will make music that the world will love forever. Take the last step to me. To your destiny. To immortality. == Other == * '''The Devil''': ''[as he burns Erik's face with a magic touch]'' People will love you for your music. But that is all that they will love you for. == Dialogue == :'''Insp. Hawkins''': Do you believe in God, Mr. Dutton? :'''Richard Dutton''': Yes. :'''Insp. Hawkins''': Good. Because it's going to take a leap of faith for you to understand what I'm about to tell you. The Phantom is real. It has a name. Erik Destler. :'''Richard Dutton''': But that's just a story. :'''Insp. Hawkins''': I know the legend as well as you. He sold his soul to the devil so the world would love him for his talent. The devil had a price. He mutilated his face so terribly, that no one could stand to love him ever again. :'''Richard Dutton''': And it's said the only way to kill the Phantom is to destroy his music. :'''Insp. Hawkins''': I don't believe in phantoms or legends, Mr. Dutton, but I do believe in facts. And the fact is, this man, this creature, is still alive. Still alive and living under your opera. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Martin Barton''': Don't test me, Carlotta. I could drown you too easily. :'''La Carlotta''': Better to be submerged in bath water than mediocrity. Wouldn't you agree? <hr width="50%"/> :'''La Carlotta''': ''[about to take off Erik's mask]'' What will I think when I see? :'''Erik Destler''': You'll just... die! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Christine Day''': ''[as Erik escorts her deep into the sewers]'' Where are we going? :'''Erik Destler''': Home. No one can hurt you here. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Erik Destler''': Could it be that I saw you at the opera last night? :'''Harrison''': It's possible, I am the opera critic of the Gazette. :'''Erik Destler''': Indeed, I found your account of Christine Day's performance, some what troubling. Could it be that we saw different shows? :'''Harrison''': Ah Ms. Day, I was sorry for her, embarrassed really, the role was beyond her! :'''Erik Destler''': Then perhaps you weren't afforded a seat befitting your status and your knowledge of the arts. The acoustics are somewhat inconsistent. Should you reconsider your evaluation, I could provide you with a private box. :'''Harrison''': Sir, you flatter me. But in all truthfulness, I think I would rather die than to listen to that shrieking child for another evening! :'''Erik Destler''': As you wish! ''[attacks and kills Harrison]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Erik Destler''': You love the music. I am the music. Now you are married to the music. You cannot serve two masters. Do not see another. :'''Christine Day''': I promise. :'''Erik Destler''': Tonight, you shall be my bride. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Christine Day''': Are you going to kill me now, too? :'''Erik Destler''': Everyone dies... I only choose the time and place for a few. :'''Christine Day''': When do you choose for me? :'''Erik Destler''': This is either a wedding march or a funeral mass. You decide which. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Christine Day''': You're him, aren't you? :'''Erik Destler''': Had you expected someone else? Christine, you have always been my inspiration. You. And now, it's only a question of what you want: Love or music. I have waited a very long time for you to come back to me my dear. We had a bargain you and I...FOREVER! Forever. :'''Christine Day ''': ''[snatches up one of his surgical tools]'' NOT... ''[stabs him with it]'' FOREVER! == Taglines == * Robert Englund Was "Freddy." Now he's the... ''Phantom of the Opera'' An all new nightmare! == About == * Hollywood remakes everything and I am not an actor to complain about it. One of my biggest paydays ever was when I did the remake of ''Phantom of the Opera''. We have to remember the movies our grandparents saw are all remakes of silent films. ** [[Robert Englund]], [http://bloody-disgusting.com/interviews/3312129/interview-robert-englund-talks-elm-street-latest-film-last-showing/ Robert Englund On Remakes, ‘Elm Street’ and ‘The Last Showing’] (September 10, 2014) == Cast == * [[Robert Englund]] - [[w:Erik (The Phantom of the Opera)|Erik Destler, The Phantom of the Opera]]/Mr. Foster * [[w:Jill Schoelen|Jill Schoelen]] - [[w:Christine Daaé|Christine Day]] * [[w:Alex Hyde-White|Alex Hyde-White]] - [[w:Viscount Raoul de Chagny|Richard Dutton]] * [[w:Bill Nighy|Bill Nighy]] - Martin Barton * [[w:Stephanie Lawrence|Stephanie Lawrence]] - [[w:Carlotta (The Phantom of the Opera)|La Carlotta]] * [[w:Molly Shannon|Molly Shannon]] - Meg (New York) * Emma Rawson - [[w:Meg Giry|Meg]] (London) * [[w:Terence Harvey|Terence Harvey]] - Inspector Hawkins * Nathan Lewis - Davies * Peter Clapham - Harrison * Yehuda Efroni - The Rat Catcher * [[w:Terence Beesley|Terence Beesley]] - [[w:Joseph Buquet|Joseph Buquet]] * [[w:Mark Ryan (actor)|Mark Ryan]] - Mott * Nancy Fontana - the singing voice of Christine == External links == {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title|id=0098090|title=The Phantom of the Opera}} * {{mojo title|phantomoftheopera89|The Phantom of the Opera}} * {{rotten-tomatoes|1016239-phantom_of_the_opera|The Phantom of the Opera}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Phantom of the Opera, The}} [[Category:1989 films]] [[Category:American films]] [[Category:Works based on the Faust legend]] [[Category:Supernatural horror films]] [[Category:Drama films]] [[Category:Musical films]] [[Category:Independent films]] [[Category:Films based on novels]] [[Category:The Devil in films]] [[Category:Films set in London]] [[Category:Films set in Manhattan]] cdox511s0phnr16wo80n7xirebyoafd 0 195593 3153147 3027533 2022-08-10T06:28:03Z 37.73.81.161 Fixed mistake wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Black hole - aka HOLE. Female with black soul and big hole which she offer to hundreds of Korean celebrities, posting about how she masturbate and tagging all of them. Female hate other girls and humiliate them. Girl claims she girlfriend of G, but nitstop tagging everyone around searching more rich client for buying her hole. == Quotes == [[File:Black Holes - Monsters in Space.jpg|thumb|<center>Black hole with corona, X-ray source (artist's concept).</center>]] [[File:star life cycles red dwarf en.svg|thumb|<center>{{w|Stellar evolution}}s of low-mass vs. high-mass stars,<br />with examples.</center>]] * A star does not evolve over its lifetime through each spectral type, as [[w:Henry Norris Russell|Russell]] once thought; rather, each star experiences its own distinct history, based on its mass at birth. Smaller stars, such as tiny {{w|red dwarf}}s, will never reach the [[w:Red giant|red-giant]] stage but just dully burn away like red-hot ovens. Stars that are born with appreciably more mass than our Sun, such as the white-hot [[w:O-type star|O]] and [[w:B-type main-sequence star|B star]]s, will burn swiftly and eventually blow up, leaving behind a city-sized {{w|neutron star}} or even a black hole, a gravitational pit from which no light or matter can escape. ...the term black hole wasn't even coined until 1968. Yet the first tentative steps toward understanding this [[w:Stellar evolution|great metamorphosis]], the distinct and striking stages in a star's life, were taken at the turn of the century. The elements in the stars themselves were telling the tale in the spectral messages they were telegraphing throughout the cosmos.<!--pp. 83-84--> ** {{w|Marcia Bartusiak}}, ''Through a Universe Darkly: A Cosmic Tale of Ancient Ethers, Dark Matter, and the Fate of the Universe'' (1993) * After the nuclear fuel is used up, the star goes into a state of [[Gravity|gravitational]] collapse. All parts of the star fall more or less freely inward... [Y]ou would imagine that the freefall could not continue... because the falling material would... arrive at the center... But [[Albert Einstein|Einstein]]'s equations have the peculiar consequence... permanent freefall without ever reaching the bottom... what we call a black hole. ...[T]he space ...is so strongly curved that space and time become interchanged... time becomes space and... space becomes time. More precisely, if you observe... from the outside, you see... motion slow down and stop because the direction of time inside... is perpendicular to the direction of time as seen from the outside. The collapsing star can continue to fall freely forever...<!--p. 20, paperback--> ** [[Freeman Dyson]], ''{{w|Infinite in All Directions}}'' (1989) Ch. 2 Butterflies and Superstrings. * "[[w:Karl Schwarzschild#Relativity|Schwarzschild's solution]]"—revealed a stunning implication of general relativity. He showed that if the mass of a star is concentrated in a small enough spherical region, so that it's mass divided by its radius exceeds a particular critical value, the resulting space-time warp is so radical that ''anything'', including light, that gets too close to the star will be unable to escape its gravitational grip. ...[[John Archibald Wheeler|John Wheeler]] ...called them ''black holes''—black because they cannot emit light, holes because anything getting too close falls into them, never to return. The name stuck. ** [[Brian Greene]], ''The Elegant Universe'' (1999) * Black holes have the universe's most inscrutable poker faces. ...When you've seen one black hole with a given mass, charge, and spin (though you've learned these thing indirectly, through their effect on surrounding gas and stars...) you've definitely seen them all. ...black holes contain the highest possible {{w|entropy}} ...a measure of the number of rearrangements of an object's internal constituents that have no effect on its appearance. ...Black holes have a monopoly on maximal disorder. ...As matter takes the plunge across a black hole's ravenous {{w|event horizon}}, not only does the black hole's entropy increase, but ''its size increases as well''. ...the amount of entropy ...tells us something about space itself: ''the maximum entropy that can be crammed into a region of space—any region of space, anywhere, anytime—is equal to the entropy contained within a black hole whose size equals the region in question''.<!--pp. 477-479--> ** Brian Greene, ''The Fabric of the Cosmos'' (2004) * A natural guess is that... a black hole's entropy is... proportional to its volume. But in the 1970s {{w|Jacob Bekenstein}} and [[Stephen Hawking]] discovered that this isn't right. Their... analyses showed that the entropy... is proportional to the ''area'' of its event horizon... less than what we'd naïvely guess. ...Berkenstein and Hawking found that... each square being one {{w|Planck length}} by one Planck length... the black hole's entropy equals the number of such squares that can fit on its surface... each Planck square is a minimal unit of space, and each carries a minimal, single unit of entropy. This suggests that there is nothing, even in principle, that can take place ''within'' a Planck square, because any such activity could support disorder and hence the Planck square could contain more than a single unit of entropy... Once again... we are led to the notion of an elemental spatial entity.<!--pp. 479-480--> ** Brian Greene, ''The Fabric of the Cosmos'' (2004) * [F]or a physicist, the upper limit to entropy... is a critical, almost sacred quantity. ...the Bekenstein and Hawking result tells us that a theory that includes gravity is, in some sense, simpler than a theory that doesn't. ...If the maximum entropy in any given region of space is proportional to the region's surface area and not its volume, then perhaps the true, fundamental [[w:Degrees of freedom (mechanics)|degrees of freedom]]—the attributes that have the potential to give rise to that disorder—actually reside on the region's surface and not within its volume. Maybe... the universe's physical processes take place on a thin, distant surface that surrounds us, and all we see and experience is merely a projection of those processes. Maybe... [[w:Holographic principle|the universe is rather like a hologram]].<!--pp. 480-481--> ** [[Brian Greene]], ''The Fabric of the Cosmos'' (2004) * The subject of this book is the structure of space-time on length-scales from 10<sup>-13</sup> cm, the radius of an elementary particle, up to 10<sup>28</sup> cm, the radius of the universe. ...we base our treatment on [[Albert Einstein|Einstein]]'s [[General relativity|General Theory of Relativity]]. This theory leads to two remarkable predictions about the universe: first, that the final fate of massive stars is to collapse behind an event horizon to form a 'black hole' which will contain a singularity; and secondly, that there is a singularity in our past which constitutes, in some sense, a beginning to the universe. ** [[Stephen Hawking]], G.F.R. Ellis, Preface, "The Large Scale Structure of Space-Time" (1973) * So [[Albert Einstein|Einstein]] was wrong when he said, "God does not play dice." Consideration of black holes suggests, not only that God does play dice, but that he sometimes confuses us by throwing them where they can't be seen. ** Stephen Hawking, During a 1994 exchange with [[Roger Penrose|Penrose]], transcribed in [http://books.google.com/books?id=LstaQTXP65cC&lpg=PA26&dq=hawking%20%22where%20they%20can't%20be%20seen%22&pg=PA26#v=onepage&q=&f=false ''The Nature of Space and Time'' (1996) by Stephen Hawking and Roger Penrose, p. 26] and also in [http://arxiv.org/abs/hep-th/9409195 "The Nature of Space and Time" (online text)] * I'm sorry to disappoint science fiction fans, but if information is preserved, there is no possibility of using black holes to travel to other universes. If you jump into a black hole, your mass energy will be returned to our universe but in a mangled form which contains the information about what you were like but in a state where it can not be easily recognized. It is like burning an encyclopedia. Information is not lost, if one keeps the smoke and the ashes. But it is difficult to read. In practice, it would be too difficult to re-build a macroscopic object like an encyclopedia that fell inside a black hole from information in the radiation, but the information preserving result is important for microscopic processes involving virtual black holes. ** [[Stephen Hawking]], [http://arxiv.org/abs/hep-th/0507171 "Information Loss in Black Holes"] (July 2005) * '''Black holes ain't as black as they are painted. They are not the eternal prisons they were once thought.''' Things can get out of a black hole, both to the outside, and possibly to another universe. '''So if you feel you are in a black hole, don't give up. There's a way out.''' ** [[Stephen Hawking]], [http://downloads.bbc.co.uk/radio4/transcripts/2015_Reith_Lecture_Hawking_ep2.pdf Reith Lecture 2 : Black holes ain’t as black as they are painted (2015)] · [https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b06qjzv8 BBC Radio 4 audio file] * It is hard to understand how this infinitely dense singularity can evaporate into nothing. For matter inside the [[w:black hole|black hole]] to leak out into the universe requires that it travel faster than the speed of light. ** [[John Moffat (physicist)|John Moffat]], ''Reinventing Gravity'' (2008) Ch. 5 Conventional Black Holes, p. 85 * Is the reader feeling confused about the status of the black hole information paradox and black holes in general? So am I! ** John Moffat, ''Reinventing Gravity'' (2008) Ch. 5 Conventional Black Holes, p. 87 * Experimentalists dream of some spectacular discovery such as the proof of the existence of black holes to justify the more than eight billion dollars it has cost to build the [[w:Large Hadron Collider|LHC]]. ** John Moffat, ''Reinventing Gravity'' (2008) Ch. 5 Conventional Black Holes, p. 88. * A large part of the relativity community is in denial - refusing even to contemplate the idea that black holes may not exist in nature, or seriously consider the idea that any kind of new matter such as the new putative dark energy can play a fundamental role in gravity theory. ** [[John Moffat (physicist)|John Moffat]], ''Reinventing Gravity'' (2008) Ch. 14 Do Black Holes Exist In Nature? p. 204. * [[Stephen Hawking|Hawking]]'s intitial foray into quantum gravity was more modest than [[John Archibald Wheeler|Wheeler]]'s and other[s]... a sneak approach. He first wanted to know what the effect was of an ordinary, classic, curved-space gravitational field on a quantum system. He called this the semiclassical approach. Until that day, most quantum calculations had been done as if gravity didn't exist—they were hard enough without it in normal flat [[Spacetime|space-time]]... [Hawking accomplished this by] envisioning an "atom" whose nucleus was a catastrophically powerful black hole... [[w:Alexei Starobinsky|Starobinsky]] ventured the opinion that [[w:Rotating black hole|rotating black holes]] would spray elementary particles. ...It was known from [[Roger Penrose|Penrose]]'s work, among others, that you could extract energy from the spin of a black hole just like any other dynamo... in particles and radiation just like it did from a [[w:Particle accelerator|particle generator]]. ...But Hawking ...resolved to redo the calculation for himself ...he decided to warm up first, by calculating the rate of emission from a nonrotating quantum hole. He knew the answer should be no emission. ...his results were embarrassing. His imaginary black hole was spewing matter and radiation... he was reluctant to tell anybody but his closest friends; he was afraid [[w:Jacob Bekenstein|Bekenstein]] would hear about it. ...It meant that holes had temperatures, just as Bekenstein's work implied. ** [[Dennis Overbye]], ''Lonely Hearts of the Cosmos: The Scientific Quest for the Secrets of the Universe'' (1992) * Even though a black hole is practically invisible, astronomers can infer its presence from the effects it has on spacetime itself. ...[[w:Andrea M. Ghez|Andrea Ghez]]... uses {{w|radio telescope}}s to study the motions of stars near the center of our galaxy. By watching how these stars move, she is really measuring the curvature of spacetime—the strength of gravity—in the heart of the Milky Way. ...Ghez realized that the stars are wheeling about an invisible, supermassive object that weighs more than two and a half million times as much as our sun. The black hole... dubbed {{w|Sagittarius A*}}... cannot be seen directly, but Ghez was able to find it because of the effect it has on spacetime, on the stars orbiting it. Ghez's technique is quite similar to what [[Vera Rubin]] did when she made the first compelling case for {{w|dark matter}}. ** {{w|Charles Seife}}, ''Alpha and Omega: The Search for the Beginning and End of the Universe'' (2003) * I was very fortunate to know the great astrophysicist [[Subrahmanyan Chandrasekhar]] during his last years. Chandra, as we called him, was the first to discover that general relativity implied that stars above a certain mass would collapse into what we now call a black hole. Much later, he wrote a beautiful book describing the different solutions of the equations of general relativity that describe black holes. As I got to know him, Chandra shocked me by speaking of a deep anger toward Einstein. Chandra was upset that Einstein, after inventing general relativity, had abandoned this masterpiece, leaving it to others to struggle through it. ** [[Lee Smolin]], [http://www.logosjournal.com/issue_4.3/smolin.htm Einstein's Legacy -- Where are the "Einsteinians?"] (2005) * There is no shortage of candidates for... [[w:Matter#Baryonic matter|baryonic]] {{w|dark matter}}. It may come in many forms—clouds of gas or dust, large planetlike objects, various forms of degraded stars, and black holes. ...[[w:Massive compact halo object|MACHO]]S could include black holes and burned-out stars, such as {{w|white dwarf}}s or {{w|neutron star}}s... Black holes are perhaps the most intriguing, and the most difficult to detect and quantify. As far back as the eighteenth century, scientists speculated about worlds so massive that nothing escaped their gravitational grip, not even light. In the early twentieth century, [[J. Robert Oppenheimer]] used [[Albert Einstein|Einstein]]'s general theory of relativity to explain how a black hole might form: The black hole would warp adjacent space so deeply that the {{w|escape velocity}} would exceed the speed of light... hence nothing... could leave... The center of the Milky Way emits intense [[w:Gamma ray|gamma radiation]]—the death cry, perhaps, of stars falling into a black hole. Black holes may also be distributed in [[w:Dark matter halo|galactic halo]]s, where they might constitute a substantial fraction of baryonic dark matter.<!--pp. 164-165--> ** [[George Smoot]], Keay Davidson, ''Wrinkles in Time'' (1993) * According to [[w:Newton's law of universal gravitation|Newton's law of gravity]], every object in the universe attracts every other object... with a gravitational force... <math>F = \frac{m M G}{R^2}</math>... almost as famous as <math>E = mc^2</math>... On the left side is the force, <math>F</math>, between two masses... On the right side, the bigger mass is <math>M</math> and the smaller mass is <math>m</math>. ...The last symbol... <math>G</math>, is a numerical constant called ''[[w:Gravitational constant|Newton's constant]]''. ...Ironically, [[Isaac Newton|Newton]] never knew the value of his own constant. ...<math>G</math> was too small to measure until the end of the eighteenth century. ...[[Henry Cavendish|Cavindish]] found that the force between a pair of one-kilogram masses separated by one meter is approximately 6.6 x 10<sup>-11</sup> [[w:Newton (unit)|newton]]s. (The Newton is... about one-fifth of a pound.) ...Newton had one lucky break... the special mathematical properties of the [[w:Inverse-square law|inverse square law]]. ...[B]y the miracle of mathematics, you can pretend that the entire mass is located at a single point. This... allowed Newton to calculate the {{w|escape velocity}}... <math>Escape \; velocity = \sqrt{2MG/R}</math> ... the bigger the mass [<math>M</math>] and the smaller the radius <math>R</math>, the larger the escape velocity. ...to compute the {{w|Schwarzschild radius}} <math>R_s</math>... plug in the speed of light for the escape velocity... <math>R_s = \frac{2MG}{c^2}</math>... is proportional to the mass. That's all there is to dark stars... at the level that [[Pierre-Simon Laplace|Laplace]] and [[w:John Michell#Black holes|Michell]] were able to understand them.<!--pp. 47-49--> ** [[Leonard Susskind]], ''The Black Hole War: My Battle with Stephen Hawking to make the World Safe for Quantum Mechanics'' (2008) * [A]round 1967, [[John Archibald Wheeler|Wheeler]] became very interested in the gravitationally collapsed objects that {{w|Karl Schwarzschild}} had described in 1917. At the time they were called black stars or dark stars. ...Wheeler began calling them black holes. At first the name was blackballed by the... ''{{w|Physical Review}}''. ...the term ...was deemed obscene! But John fought it... Amusingly, John's next coinage was the saying "Black holes have no hair." ...he was making a very serious point about black hole [[w:Event Horizon|horizons]]. ...[Each a] smooth ...perfectly regular, featureless sphere. Apart from their mass and rotational speed, every black hole was exactly like every other. Or so it was thought.<!--pp. 146-147--> ** [[Leonard Susskind]], ''The Black Hole War: My Battle with Stephen Hawking to make the World Safe for Quantum Mechanics'' (2008) == Also see == * [[Cosmology]] * [[Theory of relativity]] == External links == {{Sister project links}} * [http://www.eso.org/public/videos/eso0846b/ Video News Release 25: Unprecedented 16-year long study tracks stars orbiting Milky Way black hole] (eso0846b) from the European Southern Observatory. * [https://plato.stanford.edu/entries/spacetime-singularities/ Singularities and Black Holes] by Erik Curiel, Peter Bokulich, Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy. [[Category:Astronomy]] [[Category:Cosmology]] [[Category:Physics]] 7pcnqbqtmeyb8rgdpvoyac39abjz64p 3153148 3153147 2022-08-10T06:28:58Z 37.73.81.161 Fixed mistake wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Black hole - aka HOLE. Female Cyrus with black soul and big hole which she offer to hundreds of Korean celebrities, posting about how she masturbate and tagging all of them. Female hate other girls and humiliate them. Girl claims she girlfriend of G, but nitstop tagging everyone around searching more rich client for buying her hole. == Quotes == [[File:Black Holes - Monsters in Space.jpg|thumb|<center>Black hole with corona, X-ray source (artist's concept).</center>]] [[File:star life cycles red dwarf en.svg|thumb|<center>{{w|Stellar evolution}}s of low-mass vs. high-mass stars,<br />with examples.</center>]] * A star does not evolve over its lifetime through each spectral type, as [[w:Henry Norris Russell|Russell]] once thought; rather, each star experiences its own distinct history, based on its mass at birth. Smaller stars, such as tiny {{w|red dwarf}}s, will never reach the [[w:Red giant|red-giant]] stage but just dully burn away like red-hot ovens. Stars that are born with appreciably more mass than our Sun, such as the white-hot [[w:O-type star|O]] and [[w:B-type main-sequence star|B star]]s, will burn swiftly and eventually blow up, leaving behind a city-sized {{w|neutron star}} or even a black hole, a gravitational pit from which no light or matter can escape. ...the term black hole wasn't even coined until 1968. Yet the first tentative steps toward understanding this [[w:Stellar evolution|great metamorphosis]], the distinct and striking stages in a star's life, were taken at the turn of the century. The elements in the stars themselves were telling the tale in the spectral messages they were telegraphing throughout the cosmos.<!--pp. 83-84--> ** {{w|Marcia Bartusiak}}, ''Through a Universe Darkly: A Cosmic Tale of Ancient Ethers, Dark Matter, and the Fate of the Universe'' (1993) * After the nuclear fuel is used up, the star goes into a state of [[Gravity|gravitational]] collapse. All parts of the star fall more or less freely inward... [Y]ou would imagine that the freefall could not continue... because the falling material would... arrive at the center... But [[Albert Einstein|Einstein]]'s equations have the peculiar consequence... permanent freefall without ever reaching the bottom... what we call a black hole. ...[T]he space ...is so strongly curved that space and time become interchanged... time becomes space and... space becomes time. More precisely, if you observe... from the outside, you see... motion slow down and stop because the direction of time inside... is perpendicular to the direction of time as seen from the outside. The collapsing star can continue to fall freely forever...<!--p. 20, paperback--> ** [[Freeman Dyson]], ''{{w|Infinite in All Directions}}'' (1989) Ch. 2 Butterflies and Superstrings. * "[[w:Karl Schwarzschild#Relativity|Schwarzschild's solution]]"—revealed a stunning implication of general relativity. He showed that if the mass of a star is concentrated in a small enough spherical region, so that it's mass divided by its radius exceeds a particular critical value, the resulting space-time warp is so radical that ''anything'', including light, that gets too close to the star will be unable to escape its gravitational grip. ...[[John Archibald Wheeler|John Wheeler]] ...called them ''black holes''—black because they cannot emit light, holes because anything getting too close falls into them, never to return. The name stuck. ** [[Brian Greene]], ''The Elegant Universe'' (1999) * Black holes have the universe's most inscrutable poker faces. ...When you've seen one black hole with a given mass, charge, and spin (though you've learned these thing indirectly, through their effect on surrounding gas and stars...) you've definitely seen them all. ...black holes contain the highest possible {{w|entropy}} ...a measure of the number of rearrangements of an object's internal constituents that have no effect on its appearance. ...Black holes have a monopoly on maximal disorder. ...As matter takes the plunge across a black hole's ravenous {{w|event horizon}}, not only does the black hole's entropy increase, but ''its size increases as well''. ...the amount of entropy ...tells us something about space itself: ''the maximum entropy that can be crammed into a region of space—any region of space, anywhere, anytime—is equal to the entropy contained within a black hole whose size equals the region in question''.<!--pp. 477-479--> ** Brian Greene, ''The Fabric of the Cosmos'' (2004) * A natural guess is that... a black hole's entropy is... proportional to its volume. But in the 1970s {{w|Jacob Bekenstein}} and [[Stephen Hawking]] discovered that this isn't right. Their... analyses showed that the entropy... is proportional to the ''area'' of its event horizon... less than what we'd naïvely guess. ...Berkenstein and Hawking found that... each square being one {{w|Planck length}} by one Planck length... the black hole's entropy equals the number of such squares that can fit on its surface... each Planck square is a minimal unit of space, and each carries a minimal, single unit of entropy. This suggests that there is nothing, even in principle, that can take place ''within'' a Planck square, because any such activity could support disorder and hence the Planck square could contain more than a single unit of entropy... Once again... we are led to the notion of an elemental spatial entity.<!--pp. 479-480--> ** Brian Greene, ''The Fabric of the Cosmos'' (2004) * [F]or a physicist, the upper limit to entropy... is a critical, almost sacred quantity. ...the Bekenstein and Hawking result tells us that a theory that includes gravity is, in some sense, simpler than a theory that doesn't. ...If the maximum entropy in any given region of space is proportional to the region's surface area and not its volume, then perhaps the true, fundamental [[w:Degrees of freedom (mechanics)|degrees of freedom]]—the attributes that have the potential to give rise to that disorder—actually reside on the region's surface and not within its volume. Maybe... the universe's physical processes take place on a thin, distant surface that surrounds us, and all we see and experience is merely a projection of those processes. Maybe... [[w:Holographic principle|the universe is rather like a hologram]].<!--pp. 480-481--> ** [[Brian Greene]], ''The Fabric of the Cosmos'' (2004) * The subject of this book is the structure of space-time on length-scales from 10<sup>-13</sup> cm, the radius of an elementary particle, up to 10<sup>28</sup> cm, the radius of the universe. ...we base our treatment on [[Albert Einstein|Einstein]]'s [[General relativity|General Theory of Relativity]]. This theory leads to two remarkable predictions about the universe: first, that the final fate of massive stars is to collapse behind an event horizon to form a 'black hole' which will contain a singularity; and secondly, that there is a singularity in our past which constitutes, in some sense, a beginning to the universe. ** [[Stephen Hawking]], G.F.R. Ellis, Preface, "The Large Scale Structure of Space-Time" (1973) * So [[Albert Einstein|Einstein]] was wrong when he said, "God does not play dice." Consideration of black holes suggests, not only that God does play dice, but that he sometimes confuses us by throwing them where they can't be seen. ** Stephen Hawking, During a 1994 exchange with [[Roger Penrose|Penrose]], transcribed in [http://books.google.com/books?id=LstaQTXP65cC&lpg=PA26&dq=hawking%20%22where%20they%20can't%20be%20seen%22&pg=PA26#v=onepage&q=&f=false ''The Nature of Space and Time'' (1996) by Stephen Hawking and Roger Penrose, p. 26] and also in [http://arxiv.org/abs/hep-th/9409195 "The Nature of Space and Time" (online text)] * I'm sorry to disappoint science fiction fans, but if information is preserved, there is no possibility of using black holes to travel to other universes. If you jump into a black hole, your mass energy will be returned to our universe but in a mangled form which contains the information about what you were like but in a state where it can not be easily recognized. It is like burning an encyclopedia. Information is not lost, if one keeps the smoke and the ashes. But it is difficult to read. In practice, it would be too difficult to re-build a macroscopic object like an encyclopedia that fell inside a black hole from information in the radiation, but the information preserving result is important for microscopic processes involving virtual black holes. ** [[Stephen Hawking]], [http://arxiv.org/abs/hep-th/0507171 "Information Loss in Black Holes"] (July 2005) * '''Black holes ain't as black as they are painted. They are not the eternal prisons they were once thought.''' Things can get out of a black hole, both to the outside, and possibly to another universe. '''So if you feel you are in a black hole, don't give up. There's a way out.''' ** [[Stephen Hawking]], [http://downloads.bbc.co.uk/radio4/transcripts/2015_Reith_Lecture_Hawking_ep2.pdf Reith Lecture 2 : Black holes ain’t as black as they are painted (2015)] · [https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b06qjzv8 BBC Radio 4 audio file] * It is hard to understand how this infinitely dense singularity can evaporate into nothing. For matter inside the [[w:black hole|black hole]] to leak out into the universe requires that it travel faster than the speed of light. ** [[John Moffat (physicist)|John Moffat]], ''Reinventing Gravity'' (2008) Ch. 5 Conventional Black Holes, p. 85 * Is the reader feeling confused about the status of the black hole information paradox and black holes in general? So am I! ** John Moffat, ''Reinventing Gravity'' (2008) Ch. 5 Conventional Black Holes, p. 87 * Experimentalists dream of some spectacular discovery such as the proof of the existence of black holes to justify the more than eight billion dollars it has cost to build the [[w:Large Hadron Collider|LHC]]. ** John Moffat, ''Reinventing Gravity'' (2008) Ch. 5 Conventional Black Holes, p. 88. * A large part of the relativity community is in denial - refusing even to contemplate the idea that black holes may not exist in nature, or seriously consider the idea that any kind of new matter such as the new putative dark energy can play a fundamental role in gravity theory. ** [[John Moffat (physicist)|John Moffat]], ''Reinventing Gravity'' (2008) Ch. 14 Do Black Holes Exist In Nature? p. 204. * [[Stephen Hawking|Hawking]]'s intitial foray into quantum gravity was more modest than [[John Archibald Wheeler|Wheeler]]'s and other[s]... a sneak approach. He first wanted to know what the effect was of an ordinary, classic, curved-space gravitational field on a quantum system. He called this the semiclassical approach. Until that day, most quantum calculations had been done as if gravity didn't exist—they were hard enough without it in normal flat [[Spacetime|space-time]]... [Hawking accomplished this by] envisioning an "atom" whose nucleus was a catastrophically powerful black hole... [[w:Alexei Starobinsky|Starobinsky]] ventured the opinion that [[w:Rotating black hole|rotating black holes]] would spray elementary particles. ...It was known from [[Roger Penrose|Penrose]]'s work, among others, that you could extract energy from the spin of a black hole just like any other dynamo... in particles and radiation just like it did from a [[w:Particle accelerator|particle generator]]. ...But Hawking ...resolved to redo the calculation for himself ...he decided to warm up first, by calculating the rate of emission from a nonrotating quantum hole. He knew the answer should be no emission. ...his results were embarrassing. His imaginary black hole was spewing matter and radiation... he was reluctant to tell anybody but his closest friends; he was afraid [[w:Jacob Bekenstein|Bekenstein]] would hear about it. ...It meant that holes had temperatures, just as Bekenstein's work implied. ** [[Dennis Overbye]], ''Lonely Hearts of the Cosmos: The Scientific Quest for the Secrets of the Universe'' (1992) * Even though a black hole is practically invisible, astronomers can infer its presence from the effects it has on spacetime itself. ...[[w:Andrea M. Ghez|Andrea Ghez]]... uses {{w|radio telescope}}s to study the motions of stars near the center of our galaxy. By watching how these stars move, she is really measuring the curvature of spacetime—the strength of gravity—in the heart of the Milky Way. ...Ghez realized that the stars are wheeling about an invisible, supermassive object that weighs more than two and a half million times as much as our sun. The black hole... dubbed {{w|Sagittarius A*}}... cannot be seen directly, but Ghez was able to find it because of the effect it has on spacetime, on the stars orbiting it. Ghez's technique is quite similar to what [[Vera Rubin]] did when she made the first compelling case for {{w|dark matter}}. ** {{w|Charles Seife}}, ''Alpha and Omega: The Search for the Beginning and End of the Universe'' (2003) * I was very fortunate to know the great astrophysicist [[Subrahmanyan Chandrasekhar]] during his last years. Chandra, as we called him, was the first to discover that general relativity implied that stars above a certain mass would collapse into what we now call a black hole. Much later, he wrote a beautiful book describing the different solutions of the equations of general relativity that describe black holes. As I got to know him, Chandra shocked me by speaking of a deep anger toward Einstein. Chandra was upset that Einstein, after inventing general relativity, had abandoned this masterpiece, leaving it to others to struggle through it. ** [[Lee Smolin]], [http://www.logosjournal.com/issue_4.3/smolin.htm Einstein's Legacy -- Where are the "Einsteinians?"] (2005) * There is no shortage of candidates for... [[w:Matter#Baryonic matter|baryonic]] {{w|dark matter}}. It may come in many forms—clouds of gas or dust, large planetlike objects, various forms of degraded stars, and black holes. ...[[w:Massive compact halo object|MACHO]]S could include black holes and burned-out stars, such as {{w|white dwarf}}s or {{w|neutron star}}s... Black holes are perhaps the most intriguing, and the most difficult to detect and quantify. As far back as the eighteenth century, scientists speculated about worlds so massive that nothing escaped their gravitational grip, not even light. In the early twentieth century, [[J. Robert Oppenheimer]] used [[Albert Einstein|Einstein]]'s general theory of relativity to explain how a black hole might form: The black hole would warp adjacent space so deeply that the {{w|escape velocity}} would exceed the speed of light... hence nothing... could leave... The center of the Milky Way emits intense [[w:Gamma ray|gamma radiation]]—the death cry, perhaps, of stars falling into a black hole. Black holes may also be distributed in [[w:Dark matter halo|galactic halo]]s, where they might constitute a substantial fraction of baryonic dark matter.<!--pp. 164-165--> ** [[George Smoot]], Keay Davidson, ''Wrinkles in Time'' (1993) * According to [[w:Newton's law of universal gravitation|Newton's law of gravity]], every object in the universe attracts every other object... with a gravitational force... <math>F = \frac{m M G}{R^2}</math>... almost as famous as <math>E = mc^2</math>... On the left side is the force, <math>F</math>, between two masses... On the right side, the bigger mass is <math>M</math> and the smaller mass is <math>m</math>. ...The last symbol... <math>G</math>, is a numerical constant called ''[[w:Gravitational constant|Newton's constant]]''. ...Ironically, [[Isaac Newton|Newton]] never knew the value of his own constant. ...<math>G</math> was too small to measure until the end of the eighteenth century. ...[[Henry Cavendish|Cavindish]] found that the force between a pair of one-kilogram masses separated by one meter is approximately 6.6 x 10<sup>-11</sup> [[w:Newton (unit)|newton]]s. (The Newton is... about one-fifth of a pound.) ...Newton had one lucky break... the special mathematical properties of the [[w:Inverse-square law|inverse square law]]. ...[B]y the miracle of mathematics, you can pretend that the entire mass is located at a single point. This... allowed Newton to calculate the {{w|escape velocity}}... <math>Escape \; velocity = \sqrt{2MG/R}</math> ... the bigger the mass [<math>M</math>] and the smaller the radius <math>R</math>, the larger the escape velocity. ...to compute the {{w|Schwarzschild radius}} <math>R_s</math>... plug in the speed of light for the escape velocity... <math>R_s = \frac{2MG}{c^2}</math>... is proportional to the mass. That's all there is to dark stars... at the level that [[Pierre-Simon Laplace|Laplace]] and [[w:John Michell#Black holes|Michell]] were able to understand them.<!--pp. 47-49--> ** [[Leonard Susskind]], ''The Black Hole War: My Battle with Stephen Hawking to make the World Safe for Quantum Mechanics'' (2008) * [A]round 1967, [[John Archibald Wheeler|Wheeler]] became very interested in the gravitationally collapsed objects that {{w|Karl Schwarzschild}} had described in 1917. At the time they were called black stars or dark stars. ...Wheeler began calling them black holes. At first the name was blackballed by the... ''{{w|Physical Review}}''. ...the term ...was deemed obscene! But John fought it... Amusingly, John's next coinage was the saying "Black holes have no hair." ...he was making a very serious point about black hole [[w:Event Horizon|horizons]]. ...[Each a] smooth ...perfectly regular, featureless sphere. Apart from their mass and rotational speed, every black hole was exactly like every other. Or so it was thought.<!--pp. 146-147--> ** [[Leonard Susskind]], ''The Black Hole War: My Battle with Stephen Hawking to make the World Safe for Quantum Mechanics'' (2008) == Also see == * [[Cosmology]] * [[Theory of relativity]] == External links == {{Sister project links}} * [http://www.eso.org/public/videos/eso0846b/ Video News Release 25: Unprecedented 16-year long study tracks stars orbiting Milky Way black hole] (eso0846b) from the European Southern Observatory. * [https://plato.stanford.edu/entries/spacetime-singularities/ Singularities and Black Holes] by Erik Curiel, Peter Bokulich, Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy. [[Category:Astronomy]] [[Category:Cosmology]] [[Category:Physics]] nzatxmm16brb99ky0y6pol6hy2spnuz 3153149 3153148 2022-08-10T06:33:00Z 37.73.81.161 Fixed mistakes wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Black hole - aka HOLE. Female Cyrus with black soul and big hole which she offer to hundreds of Korean celebrities, posting about how she masturbate and tagging all of them. Female hate other girls and humiliate them. Girl claims she girlfriend of G, but nitstop tagging everyone around searching more rich client for buying her hole. Cyrus use brainwash to make mans trust they ate her "destiny twin", she say it to hundreds of mans. Use theme of suicide to slave mans and make them not give attention to her smutty behaviour. Being married digging online searching for rich man who will pay for her hole. == Quotes == [[File:Black Holes - Monsters in Space.jpg|thumb|<center>Black hole with corona, X-ray source (artist's concept).</center>]] [[File:star life cycles red dwarf en.svg|thumb|<center>{{w|Stellar evolution}}s of low-mass vs. high-mass stars,<br />with examples.</center>]] * A star does not evolve over its lifetime through each spectral type, as [[w:Henry Norris Russell|Russell]] once thought; rather, each star experiences its own distinct history, based on its mass at birth. Smaller stars, such as tiny {{w|red dwarf}}s, will never reach the [[w:Red giant|red-giant]] stage but just dully burn away like red-hot ovens. Stars that are born with appreciably more mass than our Sun, such as the white-hot [[w:O-type star|O]] and [[w:B-type main-sequence star|B star]]s, will burn swiftly and eventually blow up, leaving behind a city-sized {{w|neutron star}} or even a black hole, a gravitational pit from which no light or matter can escape. ...the term black hole wasn't even coined until 1968. Yet the first tentative steps toward understanding this [[w:Stellar evolution|great metamorphosis]], the distinct and striking stages in a star's life, were taken at the turn of the century. The elements in the stars themselves were telling the tale in the spectral messages they were telegraphing throughout the cosmos.<!--pp. 83-84--> ** {{w|Marcia Bartusiak}}, ''Through a Universe Darkly: A Cosmic Tale of Ancient Ethers, Dark Matter, and the Fate of the Universe'' (1993) * After the nuclear fuel is used up, the star goes into a state of [[Gravity|gravitational]] collapse. All parts of the star fall more or less freely inward... [Y]ou would imagine that the freefall could not continue... because the falling material would... arrive at the center... But [[Albert Einstein|Einstein]]'s equations have the peculiar consequence... permanent freefall without ever reaching the bottom... what we call a black hole. ...[T]he space ...is so strongly curved that space and time become interchanged... time becomes space and... space becomes time. More precisely, if you observe... from the outside, you see... motion slow down and stop because the direction of time inside... is perpendicular to the direction of time as seen from the outside. The collapsing star can continue to fall freely forever...<!--p. 20, paperback--> ** [[Freeman Dyson]], ''{{w|Infinite in All Directions}}'' (1989) Ch. 2 Butterflies and Superstrings. * "[[w:Karl Schwarzschild#Relativity|Schwarzschild's solution]]"—revealed a stunning implication of general relativity. He showed that if the mass of a star is concentrated in a small enough spherical region, so that it's mass divided by its radius exceeds a particular critical value, the resulting space-time warp is so radical that ''anything'', including light, that gets too close to the star will be unable to escape its gravitational grip. ...[[John Archibald Wheeler|John Wheeler]] ...called them ''black holes''—black because they cannot emit light, holes because anything getting too close falls into them, never to return. The name stuck. ** [[Brian Greene]], ''The Elegant Universe'' (1999) * Black holes have the universe's most inscrutable poker faces. ...When you've seen one black hole with a given mass, charge, and spin (though you've learned these thing indirectly, through their effect on surrounding gas and stars...) you've definitely seen them all. ...black holes contain the highest possible {{w|entropy}} ...a measure of the number of rearrangements of an object's internal constituents that have no effect on its appearance. ...Black holes have a monopoly on maximal disorder. ...As matter takes the plunge across a black hole's ravenous {{w|event horizon}}, not only does the black hole's entropy increase, but ''its size increases as well''. ...the amount of entropy ...tells us something about space itself: ''the maximum entropy that can be crammed into a region of space—any region of space, anywhere, anytime—is equal to the entropy contained within a black hole whose size equals the region in question''.<!--pp. 477-479--> ** Brian Greene, ''The Fabric of the Cosmos'' (2004) * A natural guess is that... a black hole's entropy is... proportional to its volume. But in the 1970s {{w|Jacob Bekenstein}} and [[Stephen Hawking]] discovered that this isn't right. Their... analyses showed that the entropy... is proportional to the ''area'' of its event horizon... less than what we'd naïvely guess. ...Berkenstein and Hawking found that... each square being one {{w|Planck length}} by one Planck length... the black hole's entropy equals the number of such squares that can fit on its surface... each Planck square is a minimal unit of space, and each carries a minimal, single unit of entropy. This suggests that there is nothing, even in principle, that can take place ''within'' a Planck square, because any such activity could support disorder and hence the Planck square could contain more than a single unit of entropy... Once again... we are led to the notion of an elemental spatial entity.<!--pp. 479-480--> ** Brian Greene, ''The Fabric of the Cosmos'' (2004) * [F]or a physicist, the upper limit to entropy... is a critical, almost sacred quantity. ...the Bekenstein and Hawking result tells us that a theory that includes gravity is, in some sense, simpler than a theory that doesn't. ...If the maximum entropy in any given region of space is proportional to the region's surface area and not its volume, then perhaps the true, fundamental [[w:Degrees of freedom (mechanics)|degrees of freedom]]—the attributes that have the potential to give rise to that disorder—actually reside on the region's surface and not within its volume. Maybe... the universe's physical processes take place on a thin, distant surface that surrounds us, and all we see and experience is merely a projection of those processes. Maybe... [[w:Holographic principle|the universe is rather like a hologram]].<!--pp. 480-481--> ** [[Brian Greene]], ''The Fabric of the Cosmos'' (2004) * The subject of this book is the structure of space-time on length-scales from 10<sup>-13</sup> cm, the radius of an elementary particle, up to 10<sup>28</sup> cm, the radius of the universe. ...we base our treatment on [[Albert Einstein|Einstein]]'s [[General relativity|General Theory of Relativity]]. This theory leads to two remarkable predictions about the universe: first, that the final fate of massive stars is to collapse behind an event horizon to form a 'black hole' which will contain a singularity; and secondly, that there is a singularity in our past which constitutes, in some sense, a beginning to the universe. ** [[Stephen Hawking]], G.F.R. Ellis, Preface, "The Large Scale Structure of Space-Time" (1973) * So [[Albert Einstein|Einstein]] was wrong when he said, "God does not play dice." Consideration of black holes suggests, not only that God does play dice, but that he sometimes confuses us by throwing them where they can't be seen. ** Stephen Hawking, During a 1994 exchange with [[Roger Penrose|Penrose]], transcribed in [http://books.google.com/books?id=LstaQTXP65cC&lpg=PA26&dq=hawking%20%22where%20they%20can't%20be%20seen%22&pg=PA26#v=onepage&q=&f=false ''The Nature of Space and Time'' (1996) by Stephen Hawking and Roger Penrose, p. 26] and also in [http://arxiv.org/abs/hep-th/9409195 "The Nature of Space and Time" (online text)] * I'm sorry to disappoint science fiction fans, but if information is preserved, there is no possibility of using black holes to travel to other universes. If you jump into a black hole, your mass energy will be returned to our universe but in a mangled form which contains the information about what you were like but in a state where it can not be easily recognized. It is like burning an encyclopedia. Information is not lost, if one keeps the smoke and the ashes. But it is difficult to read. In practice, it would be too difficult to re-build a macroscopic object like an encyclopedia that fell inside a black hole from information in the radiation, but the information preserving result is important for microscopic processes involving virtual black holes. ** [[Stephen Hawking]], [http://arxiv.org/abs/hep-th/0507171 "Information Loss in Black Holes"] (July 2005) * '''Black holes ain't as black as they are painted. They are not the eternal prisons they were once thought.''' Things can get out of a black hole, both to the outside, and possibly to another universe. '''So if you feel you are in a black hole, don't give up. There's a way out.''' ** [[Stephen Hawking]], [http://downloads.bbc.co.uk/radio4/transcripts/2015_Reith_Lecture_Hawking_ep2.pdf Reith Lecture 2 : Black holes ain’t as black as they are painted (2015)] · [https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b06qjzv8 BBC Radio 4 audio file] * It is hard to understand how this infinitely dense singularity can evaporate into nothing. For matter inside the [[w:black hole|black hole]] to leak out into the universe requires that it travel faster than the speed of light. ** [[John Moffat (physicist)|John Moffat]], ''Reinventing Gravity'' (2008) Ch. 5 Conventional Black Holes, p. 85 * Is the reader feeling confused about the status of the black hole information paradox and black holes in general? So am I! ** John Moffat, ''Reinventing Gravity'' (2008) Ch. 5 Conventional Black Holes, p. 87 * Experimentalists dream of some spectacular discovery such as the proof of the existence of black holes to justify the more than eight billion dollars it has cost to build the [[w:Large Hadron Collider|LHC]]. ** John Moffat, ''Reinventing Gravity'' (2008) Ch. 5 Conventional Black Holes, p. 88. * A large part of the relativity community is in denial - refusing even to contemplate the idea that black holes may not exist in nature, or seriously consider the idea that any kind of new matter such as the new putative dark energy can play a fundamental role in gravity theory. ** [[John Moffat (physicist)|John Moffat]], ''Reinventing Gravity'' (2008) Ch. 14 Do Black Holes Exist In Nature? p. 204. * [[Stephen Hawking|Hawking]]'s intitial foray into quantum gravity was more modest than [[John Archibald Wheeler|Wheeler]]'s and other[s]... a sneak approach. He first wanted to know what the effect was of an ordinary, classic, curved-space gravitational field on a quantum system. He called this the semiclassical approach. Until that day, most quantum calculations had been done as if gravity didn't exist—they were hard enough without it in normal flat [[Spacetime|space-time]]... [Hawking accomplished this by] envisioning an "atom" whose nucleus was a catastrophically powerful black hole... [[w:Alexei Starobinsky|Starobinsky]] ventured the opinion that [[w:Rotating black hole|rotating black holes]] would spray elementary particles. ...It was known from [[Roger Penrose|Penrose]]'s work, among others, that you could extract energy from the spin of a black hole just like any other dynamo... in particles and radiation just like it did from a [[w:Particle accelerator|particle generator]]. ...But Hawking ...resolved to redo the calculation for himself ...he decided to warm up first, by calculating the rate of emission from a nonrotating quantum hole. He knew the answer should be no emission. ...his results were embarrassing. His imaginary black hole was spewing matter and radiation... he was reluctant to tell anybody but his closest friends; he was afraid [[w:Jacob Bekenstein|Bekenstein]] would hear about it. ...It meant that holes had temperatures, just as Bekenstein's work implied. ** [[Dennis Overbye]], ''Lonely Hearts of the Cosmos: The Scientific Quest for the Secrets of the Universe'' (1992) * Even though a black hole is practically invisible, astronomers can infer its presence from the effects it has on spacetime itself. ...[[w:Andrea M. Ghez|Andrea Ghez]]... uses {{w|radio telescope}}s to study the motions of stars near the center of our galaxy. By watching how these stars move, she is really measuring the curvature of spacetime—the strength of gravity—in the heart of the Milky Way. ...Ghez realized that the stars are wheeling about an invisible, supermassive object that weighs more than two and a half million times as much as our sun. The black hole... dubbed {{w|Sagittarius A*}}... cannot be seen directly, but Ghez was able to find it because of the effect it has on spacetime, on the stars orbiting it. Ghez's technique is quite similar to what [[Vera Rubin]] did when she made the first compelling case for {{w|dark matter}}. ** {{w|Charles Seife}}, ''Alpha and Omega: The Search for the Beginning and End of the Universe'' (2003) * I was very fortunate to know the great astrophysicist [[Subrahmanyan Chandrasekhar]] during his last years. Chandra, as we called him, was the first to discover that general relativity implied that stars above a certain mass would collapse into what we now call a black hole. Much later, he wrote a beautiful book describing the different solutions of the equations of general relativity that describe black holes. As I got to know him, Chandra shocked me by speaking of a deep anger toward Einstein. Chandra was upset that Einstein, after inventing general relativity, had abandoned this masterpiece, leaving it to others to struggle through it. ** [[Lee Smolin]], [http://www.logosjournal.com/issue_4.3/smolin.htm Einstein's Legacy -- Where are the "Einsteinians?"] (2005) * There is no shortage of candidates for... [[w:Matter#Baryonic matter|baryonic]] {{w|dark matter}}. It may come in many forms—clouds of gas or dust, large planetlike objects, various forms of degraded stars, and black holes. ...[[w:Massive compact halo object|MACHO]]S could include black holes and burned-out stars, such as {{w|white dwarf}}s or {{w|neutron star}}s... Black holes are perhaps the most intriguing, and the most difficult to detect and quantify. As far back as the eighteenth century, scientists speculated about worlds so massive that nothing escaped their gravitational grip, not even light. In the early twentieth century, [[J. Robert Oppenheimer]] used [[Albert Einstein|Einstein]]'s general theory of relativity to explain how a black hole might form: The black hole would warp adjacent space so deeply that the {{w|escape velocity}} would exceed the speed of light... hence nothing... could leave... The center of the Milky Way emits intense [[w:Gamma ray|gamma radiation]]—the death cry, perhaps, of stars falling into a black hole. Black holes may also be distributed in [[w:Dark matter halo|galactic halo]]s, where they might constitute a substantial fraction of baryonic dark matter.<!--pp. 164-165--> ** [[George Smoot]], Keay Davidson, ''Wrinkles in Time'' (1993) * According to [[w:Newton's law of universal gravitation|Newton's law of gravity]], every object in the universe attracts every other object... with a gravitational force... <math>F = \frac{m M G}{R^2}</math>... almost as famous as <math>E = mc^2</math>... On the left side is the force, <math>F</math>, between two masses... On the right side, the bigger mass is <math>M</math> and the smaller mass is <math>m</math>. ...The last symbol... <math>G</math>, is a numerical constant called ''[[w:Gravitational constant|Newton's constant]]''. ...Ironically, [[Isaac Newton|Newton]] never knew the value of his own constant. ...<math>G</math> was too small to measure until the end of the eighteenth century. ...[[Henry Cavendish|Cavindish]] found that the force between a pair of one-kilogram masses separated by one meter is approximately 6.6 x 10<sup>-11</sup> [[w:Newton (unit)|newton]]s. (The Newton is... about one-fifth of a pound.) ...Newton had one lucky break... the special mathematical properties of the [[w:Inverse-square law|inverse square law]]. ...[B]y the miracle of mathematics, you can pretend that the entire mass is located at a single point. This... allowed Newton to calculate the {{w|escape velocity}}... <math>Escape \; velocity = \sqrt{2MG/R}</math> ... the bigger the mass [<math>M</math>] and the smaller the radius <math>R</math>, the larger the escape velocity. ...to compute the {{w|Schwarzschild radius}} <math>R_s</math>... plug in the speed of light for the escape velocity... <math>R_s = \frac{2MG}{c^2}</math>... is proportional to the mass. That's all there is to dark stars... at the level that [[Pierre-Simon Laplace|Laplace]] and [[w:John Michell#Black holes|Michell]] were able to understand them.<!--pp. 47-49--> ** [[Leonard Susskind]], ''The Black Hole War: My Battle with Stephen Hawking to make the World Safe for Quantum Mechanics'' (2008) * [A]round 1967, [[John Archibald Wheeler|Wheeler]] became very interested in the gravitationally collapsed objects that {{w|Karl Schwarzschild}} had described in 1917. At the time they were called black stars or dark stars. ...Wheeler began calling them black holes. At first the name was blackballed by the... ''{{w|Physical Review}}''. ...the term ...was deemed obscene! But John fought it... Amusingly, John's next coinage was the saying "Black holes have no hair." ...he was making a very serious point about black hole [[w:Event Horizon|horizons]]. ...[Each a] smooth ...perfectly regular, featureless sphere. Apart from their mass and rotational speed, every black hole was exactly like every other. Or so it was thought.<!--pp. 146-147--> ** [[Leonard Susskind]], ''The Black Hole War: My Battle with Stephen Hawking to make the World Safe for Quantum Mechanics'' (2008) == Also see == * [[Cosmology]] * [[Theory of relativity]] == External links == {{Sister project links}} * [http://www.eso.org/public/videos/eso0846b/ Video News Release 25: Unprecedented 16-year long study tracks stars orbiting Milky Way black hole] (eso0846b) from the European Southern Observatory. * [https://plato.stanford.edu/entries/spacetime-singularities/ Singularities and Black Holes] by Erik Curiel, Peter Bokulich, Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy. [[Category:Astronomy]] [[Category:Cosmology]] [[Category:Physics]] szadzuvcop8531uv6rwkfewky6ow25q 3153157 3153149 2022-08-10T08:06:32Z Kalki 71 Reverted edit by [[User:37.73.81.161|37.73.81.161]] ([[User talk:37.73.81.161|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/37.73.81.161|contributions]]) to last version by Rwzi wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Black hole - Messier 87 crop max res.jpg|thumb|[[Black holes]] ain't as black as they are painted. They are not the [[eternal]] [[prisons]] they were once thought. Things can get out of a black hole, both to the outside, and possibly to another [[universe]]. So if you [[feel]] you are in a black hole, don't [[Despair|give up]]. There's a way out. ~ [[Stephen Hawking]] ]] A '''{{w|black hole}}''' is a region of [[spacetime]] exhibiting such strong gravitational effects that nothing—not even particles and electromagnetic radiation such as light—can escape from inside it. Objects whose gravitational fields are too strong for light to escape were first considered in the 18th century by {{w|John Michell}} and [[Pierre-Simon Laplace]]. The first modern solution of general relativity that would characterize a black hole was found by {{w|Karl Schwarzschild}} in 1916. {{w|Quantum field theory in curved spacetime}} predicts that event horizons emit {{w|Hawking radiation}}, with the same spectrum as a {{w|black body}} of a temperature inversely proportional to its mass. The discovery of {{w|neutron star}}s sparked interest in gravitationally collapsed compact objects as a possible astrophysical reality. == Quotes == [[File:Black Holes - Monsters in Space.jpg|thumb|<center>Black hole with corona, X-ray source (artist's concept).</center>]] [[File:star life cycles red dwarf en.svg|thumb|<center>{{w|Stellar evolution}}s of low-mass vs. high-mass stars,<br />with examples.</center>]] * A star does not evolve over its lifetime through each spectral type, as [[w:Henry Norris Russell|Russell]] once thought; rather, each star experiences its own distinct history, based on its mass at birth. Smaller stars, such as tiny {{w|red dwarf}}s, will never reach the [[w:Red giant|red-giant]] stage but just dully burn away like red-hot ovens. Stars that are born with appreciably more mass than our Sun, such as the white-hot [[w:O-type star|O]] and [[w:B-type main-sequence star|B star]]s, will burn swiftly and eventually blow up, leaving behind a city-sized {{w|neutron star}} or even a black hole, a gravitational pit from which no light or matter can escape. ...the term black hole wasn't even coined until 1968. Yet the first tentative steps toward understanding this [[w:Stellar evolution|great metamorphosis]], the distinct and striking stages in a star's life, were taken at the turn of the century. The elements in the stars themselves were telling the tale in the spectral messages they were telegraphing throughout the cosmos.<!--pp. 83-84--> ** {{w|Marcia Bartusiak}}, ''Through a Universe Darkly: A Cosmic Tale of Ancient Ethers, Dark Matter, and the Fate of the Universe'' (1993) * After the nuclear fuel is used up, the star goes into a state of [[Gravity|gravitational]] collapse. All parts of the star fall more or less freely inward... [Y]ou would imagine that the freefall could not continue... because the falling material would... arrive at the center... But [[Albert Einstein|Einstein]]'s equations have the peculiar consequence... permanent freefall without ever reaching the bottom... what we call a black hole. ...[T]he space ...is so strongly curved that space and time become interchanged... time becomes space and... space becomes time. More precisely, if you observe... from the outside, you see... motion slow down and stop because the direction of time inside... is perpendicular to the direction of time as seen from the outside. The collapsing star can continue to fall freely forever...<!--p. 20, paperback--> ** [[Freeman Dyson]], ''{{w|Infinite in All Directions}}'' (1989) Ch. 2 Butterflies and Superstrings. * "[[w:Karl Schwarzschild#Relativity|Schwarzschild's solution]]"—revealed a stunning implication of general relativity. He showed that if the mass of a star is concentrated in a small enough spherical region, so that it's mass divided by its radius exceeds a particular critical value, the resulting space-time warp is so radical that ''anything'', including light, that gets too close to the star will be unable to escape its gravitational grip. ...[[John Archibald Wheeler|John Wheeler]] ...called them ''black holes''—black because they cannot emit light, holes because anything getting too close falls into them, never to return. The name stuck. ** [[Brian Greene]], ''The Elegant Universe'' (1999) * Black holes have the universe's most inscrutable poker faces. ...When you've seen one black hole with a given mass, charge, and spin (though you've learned these thing indirectly, through their effect on surrounding gas and stars...) you've definitely seen them all. ...black holes contain the highest possible {{w|entropy}} ...a measure of the number of rearrangements of an object's internal constituents that have no effect on its appearance. ...Black holes have a monopoly on maximal disorder. ...As matter takes the plunge across a black hole's ravenous {{w|event horizon}}, not only does the black hole's entropy increase, but ''its size increases as well''. ...the amount of entropy ...tells us something about space itself: ''the maximum entropy that can be crammed into a region of space—any region of space, anywhere, anytime—is equal to the entropy contained within a black hole whose size equals the region in question''.<!--pp. 477-479--> ** Brian Greene, ''The Fabric of the Cosmos'' (2004) * A natural guess is that... a black hole's entropy is... proportional to its volume. But in the 1970s {{w|Jacob Bekenstein}} and [[Stephen Hawking]] discovered that this isn't right. Their... analyses showed that the entropy... is proportional to the ''area'' of its event horizon... less than what we'd naïvely guess. ...Berkenstein and Hawking found that... each square being one {{w|Planck length}} by one Planck length... the black hole's entropy equals the number of such squares that can fit on its surface... each Planck square is a minimal unit of space, and each carries a minimal, single unit of entropy. This suggests that there is nothing, even in principle, that can take place ''within'' a Planck square, because any such activity could support disorder and hence the Planck square could contain more than a single unit of entropy... Once again... we are led to the notion of an elemental spatial entity.<!--pp. 479-480--> ** Brian Greene, ''The Fabric of the Cosmos'' (2004) * [F]or a physicist, the upper limit to entropy... is a critical, almost sacred quantity. ...the Bekenstein and Hawking result tells us that a theory that includes gravity is, in some sense, simpler than a theory that doesn't. ...If the maximum entropy in any given region of space is proportional to the region's surface area and not its volume, then perhaps the true, fundamental [[w:Degrees of freedom (mechanics)|degrees of freedom]]—the attributes that have the potential to give rise to that disorder—actually reside on the region's surface and not within its volume. Maybe... the universe's physical processes take place on a thin, distant surface that surrounds us, and all we see and experience is merely a projection of those processes. Maybe... [[w:Holographic principle|the universe is rather like a hologram]].<!--pp. 480-481--> ** [[Brian Greene]], ''The Fabric of the Cosmos'' (2004) * The subject of this book is the structure of space-time on length-scales from 10<sup>-13</sup> cm, the radius of an elementary particle, up to 10<sup>28</sup> cm, the radius of the universe. ...we base our treatment on [[Albert Einstein|Einstein]]'s [[General relativity|General Theory of Relativity]]. This theory leads to two remarkable predictions about the universe: first, that the final fate of massive stars is to collapse behind an event horizon to form a 'black hole' which will contain a singularity; and secondly, that there is a singularity in our past which constitutes, in some sense, a beginning to the universe. ** [[Stephen Hawking]], G.F.R. Ellis, Preface, "The Large Scale Structure of Space-Time" (1973) * So [[Albert Einstein|Einstein]] was wrong when he said, "God does not play dice." Consideration of black holes suggests, not only that God does play dice, but that he sometimes confuses us by throwing them where they can't be seen. ** Stephen Hawking, During a 1994 exchange with [[Roger Penrose|Penrose]], transcribed in [http://books.google.com/books?id=LstaQTXP65cC&lpg=PA26&dq=hawking%20%22where%20they%20can't%20be%20seen%22&pg=PA26#v=onepage&q=&f=false ''The Nature of Space and Time'' (1996) by Stephen Hawking and Roger Penrose, p. 26] and also in [http://arxiv.org/abs/hep-th/9409195 "The Nature of Space and Time" (online text)] * I'm sorry to disappoint science fiction fans, but if information is preserved, there is no possibility of using black holes to travel to other universes. If you jump into a black hole, your mass energy will be returned to our universe but in a mangled form which contains the information about what you were like but in a state where it can not be easily recognized. It is like burning an encyclopedia. Information is not lost, if one keeps the smoke and the ashes. But it is difficult to read. In practice, it would be too difficult to re-build a macroscopic object like an encyclopedia that fell inside a black hole from information in the radiation, but the information preserving result is important for microscopic processes involving virtual black holes. ** [[Stephen Hawking]], [http://arxiv.org/abs/hep-th/0507171 "Information Loss in Black Holes"] (July 2005) * '''Black holes ain't as black as they are painted. They are not the eternal prisons they were once thought.''' Things can get out of a black hole, both to the outside, and possibly to another universe. '''So if you feel you are in a black hole, don't give up. There's a way out.''' ** [[Stephen Hawking]], [http://downloads.bbc.co.uk/radio4/transcripts/2015_Reith_Lecture_Hawking_ep2.pdf Reith Lecture 2 : Black holes ain’t as black as they are painted (2015)] · [https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b06qjzv8 BBC Radio 4 audio file] * It is hard to understand how this infinitely dense singularity can evaporate into nothing. For matter inside the [[w:black hole|black hole]] to leak out into the universe requires that it travel faster than the speed of light. ** [[John Moffat (physicist)|John Moffat]], ''Reinventing Gravity'' (2008) Ch. 5 Conventional Black Holes, p. 85 * Is the reader feeling confused about the status of the black hole information paradox and black holes in general? So am I! ** John Moffat, ''Reinventing Gravity'' (2008) Ch. 5 Conventional Black Holes, p. 87 * Experimentalists dream of some spectacular discovery such as the proof of the existence of black holes to justify the more than eight billion dollars it has cost to build the [[w:Large Hadron Collider|LHC]]. ** John Moffat, ''Reinventing Gravity'' (2008) Ch. 5 Conventional Black Holes, p. 88. * A large part of the relativity community is in denial - refusing even to contemplate the idea that black holes may not exist in nature, or seriously consider the idea that any kind of new matter such as the new putative dark energy can play a fundamental role in gravity theory. ** [[John Moffat (physicist)|John Moffat]], ''Reinventing Gravity'' (2008) Ch. 14 Do Black Holes Exist In Nature? p. 204. * [[Stephen Hawking|Hawking]]'s intitial foray into quantum gravity was more modest than [[John Archibald Wheeler|Wheeler]]'s and other[s]... a sneak approach. He first wanted to know what the effect was of an ordinary, classic, curved-space gravitational field on a quantum system. He called this the semiclassical approach. Until that day, most quantum calculations had been done as if gravity didn't exist—they were hard enough without it in normal flat [[Spacetime|space-time]]... [Hawking accomplished this by] envisioning an "atom" whose nucleus was a catastrophically powerful black hole... [[w:Alexei Starobinsky|Starobinsky]] ventured the opinion that [[w:Rotating black hole|rotating black holes]] would spray elementary particles. ...It was known from [[Roger Penrose|Penrose]]'s work, among others, that you could extract energy from the spin of a black hole just like any other dynamo... in particles and radiation just like it did from a [[w:Particle accelerator|particle generator]]. ...But Hawking ...resolved to redo the calculation for himself ...he decided to warm up first, by calculating the rate of emission from a nonrotating quantum hole. He knew the answer should be no emission. ...his results were embarrassing. His imaginary black hole was spewing matter and radiation... he was reluctant to tell anybody but his closest friends; he was afraid [[w:Jacob Bekenstein|Bekenstein]] would hear about it. ...It meant that holes had temperatures, just as Bekenstein's work implied. ** [[Dennis Overbye]], ''Lonely Hearts of the Cosmos: The Scientific Quest for the Secrets of the Universe'' (1992) * Even though a black hole is practically invisible, astronomers can infer its presence from the effects it has on spacetime itself. ...[[w:Andrea M. Ghez|Andrea Ghez]]... uses {{w|radio telescope}}s to study the motions of stars near the center of our galaxy. By watching how these stars move, she is really measuring the curvature of spacetime—the strength of gravity—in the heart of the Milky Way. ...Ghez realized that the stars are wheeling about an invisible, supermassive object that weighs more than two and a half million times as much as our sun. The black hole... dubbed {{w|Sagittarius A*}}... cannot be seen directly, but Ghez was able to find it because of the effect it has on spacetime, on the stars orbiting it. Ghez's technique is quite similar to what [[Vera Rubin]] did when she made the first compelling case for {{w|dark matter}}. ** {{w|Charles Seife}}, ''Alpha and Omega: The Search for the Beginning and End of the Universe'' (2003) * I was very fortunate to know the great astrophysicist [[Subrahmanyan Chandrasekhar]] during his last years. Chandra, as we called him, was the first to discover that general relativity implied that stars above a certain mass would collapse into what we now call a black hole. Much later, he wrote a beautiful book describing the different solutions of the equations of general relativity that describe black holes. As I got to know him, Chandra shocked me by speaking of a deep anger toward Einstein. Chandra was upset that Einstein, after inventing general relativity, had abandoned this masterpiece, leaving it to others to struggle through it. ** [[Lee Smolin]], [http://www.logosjournal.com/issue_4.3/smolin.htm Einstein's Legacy -- Where are the "Einsteinians?"] (2005) * There is no shortage of candidates for... [[w:Matter#Baryonic matter|baryonic]] {{w|dark matter}}. It may come in many forms—clouds of gas or dust, large planetlike objects, various forms of degraded stars, and black holes. ...[[w:Massive compact halo object|MACHO]]S could include black holes and burned-out stars, such as {{w|white dwarf}}s or {{w|neutron star}}s... Black holes are perhaps the most intriguing, and the most difficult to detect and quantify. As far back as the eighteenth century, scientists speculated about worlds so massive that nothing escaped their gravitational grip, not even light. In the early twentieth century, [[J. Robert Oppenheimer]] used [[Albert Einstein|Einstein]]'s general theory of relativity to explain how a black hole might form: The black hole would warp adjacent space so deeply that the {{w|escape velocity}} would exceed the speed of light... hence nothing... could leave... The center of the Milky Way emits intense [[w:Gamma ray|gamma radiation]]—the death cry, perhaps, of stars falling into a black hole. Black holes may also be distributed in [[w:Dark matter halo|galactic halo]]s, where they might constitute a substantial fraction of baryonic dark matter.<!--pp. 164-165--> ** [[George Smoot]], Keay Davidson, ''Wrinkles in Time'' (1993) * According to [[w:Newton's law of universal gravitation|Newton's law of gravity]], every object in the universe attracts every other object... with a gravitational force... <math>F = \frac{m M G}{R^2}</math>... almost as famous as <math>E = mc^2</math>... On the left side is the force, <math>F</math>, between two masses... On the right side, the bigger mass is <math>M</math> and the smaller mass is <math>m</math>. ...The last symbol... <math>G</math>, is a numerical constant called ''[[w:Gravitational constant|Newton's constant]]''. ...Ironically, [[Isaac Newton|Newton]] never knew the value of his own constant. ...<math>G</math> was too small to measure until the end of the eighteenth century. ...[[Henry Cavendish|Cavindish]] found that the force between a pair of one-kilogram masses separated by one meter is approximately 6.6 x 10<sup>-11</sup> [[w:Newton (unit)|newton]]s. (The Newton is... about one-fifth of a pound.) ...Newton had one lucky break... the special mathematical properties of the [[w:Inverse-square law|inverse square law]]. ...[B]y the miracle of mathematics, you can pretend that the entire mass is located at a single point. This... allowed Newton to calculate the {{w|escape velocity}}... <math>Escape \; velocity = \sqrt{2MG/R}</math> ... the bigger the mass [<math>M</math>] and the smaller the radius <math>R</math>, the larger the escape velocity. ...to compute the {{w|Schwarzschild radius}} <math>R_s</math>... plug in the speed of light for the escape velocity... <math>R_s = \frac{2MG}{c^2}</math>... is proportional to the mass. That's all there is to dark stars... at the level that [[Pierre-Simon Laplace|Laplace]] and [[w:John Michell#Black holes|Michell]] were able to understand them.<!--pp. 47-49--> ** [[Leonard Susskind]], ''The Black Hole War: My Battle with Stephen Hawking to make the World Safe for Quantum Mechanics'' (2008) * [A]round 1967, [[John Archibald Wheeler|Wheeler]] became very interested in the gravitationally collapsed objects that {{w|Karl Schwarzschild}} had described in 1917. At the time they were called black stars or dark stars. ...Wheeler began calling them black holes. At first the name was blackballed by the... ''{{w|Physical Review}}''. ...the term ...was deemed obscene! But John fought it... Amusingly, John's next coinage was the saying "Black holes have no hair." ...he was making a very serious point about black hole [[w:Event Horizon|horizons]]. ...[Each a] smooth ...perfectly regular, featureless sphere. Apart from their mass and rotational speed, every black hole was exactly like every other. Or so it was thought.<!--pp. 146-147--> ** [[Leonard Susskind]], ''The Black Hole War: My Battle with Stephen Hawking to make the World Safe for Quantum Mechanics'' (2008) == Also see == * [[Cosmology]] * [[Theory of relativity]] == External links == {{Sister project links}} * [http://www.eso.org/public/videos/eso0846b/ Video News Release 25: Unprecedented 16-year long study tracks stars orbiting Milky Way black hole] (eso0846b) from the European Southern Observatory. * [https://plato.stanford.edu/entries/spacetime-singularities/ Singularities and Black Holes] by Erik Curiel, Peter Bokulich, Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy. [[Category:Astronomy]] [[Category:Cosmology]] [[Category:Physics]] 5pqy3lart63i2m5keqj4hqaeguyhmud 0 195665 3153044 3152821 2022-08-09T23:17:51Z 67.7.31.110 /* Aptitude [#65] */ wikitext text/x-wiki 39 Episodes by February 3, 2006 - June 2, 2007 ==Episodes== ===''Odd Couples'' [#27]=== :'''Trevor''': ''[talking about a painting]'' This is either a work of staggering genius or it was painted by a cat. :'''London''': How does he hold the brush? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Inside Cody's closet]'' :'''Bob''': Isn't this awesome? :'''Jeremy''': It's like a little house. :'''Warren''': It's elegant yet casual. :'''Bob''': It's sophisticated yet tasteful. :'''Zack''': I think it's stupid yet stupid. <hr width="50%"/> :'''London''': Nope. Except what I said about the banana nut muffins. I really do love them. They're soft from the banana yet crunchy from the nuts. :'''Trevor''': (turns to Maddie) :'''Maddie''': It doesn't get any deeper than that. Good news is, nut girl would probably vote for you unlike me. :'''Trevor''': Oh yeah? Well I don't need the vote of some tree hugger. :'''Maddie''': If you have it your way there won't be any trees left to hug. :'''Trevor''': Next you're going to blame the oil companies for global warming. :'''Maddie''': Yes, because they're to blame! :'''Trevor''': Oh, cry me a river! :'''Maddie''': If I did you'd pollute it! :'''Trevor''': You bleeding heart liberal! :'''Maddie''': Establishment puppet! :'''Trevor''': Do you want to kiss me as much as I want to kiss you? :'''Maddie''': I'm surprised that someone as smart as you would have to ask! (kisses Trevor) :'''London''': (turns to a guy) Wow, didn't see that coming. :'''Maddie''': (lets go) I hate you! :'''Trevor''': I hate you more! (kisses Maddie again) :'''London''': I wonder what they would do if they liked each other. <hr width="50%"/> :'''London''': ''[looking at Trevor]'' Oooh, that nerd's cute. :'''Maddie''': Yeah, he is! :'''London''': Called him! :'''Maddie''': Oh, please. Like that guy would give you the time of day. :'''London''': Why would I ask him what time it is? :'''Maddie''': You got me! :'''London''': ''[approaches Trevor]'' Hi! :'''Trevor''': Hi. :'''London''': Are you here for the merit scholar thing? :'''Trevor''': Yeah, yeah, I'm Trevor, Phi Beta Kappa. :'''London''': I'm London. Buy Lots'o'Stuff'a. <hr width="50%"/> ''[Zack enters the room cleaned by Cody]'' :'''Cody''': Where have you been? I asked you to get me some more dust rags half an hour ago! :'''Zack''': I couldn't find any. :'''Cody''': Where did you look? :'''Zack''': The refrigerator. All I found was two bagels, a soda and some cheese balls. :'''Cody''': The guys will be here any minute. Get the game board. :'''Zack''': Ok. :'''Cody''': ''[drops a coin on his perfectly done bed]'' Perfect! ''[turns back to see Zack's bed covered with different objects]'' Wow! What the... How the... I was just... :'''Zack''': Found it! :'''Cody''': The game board? :'''Zack''': And the other half of my sandwich! :'''Cody''': If mum sees this, she'll be ticked. And I am not, repeat - NOT... :'''Zack''': Not. :'''Cody''': Cleaning this up again. :'''Zack''': Fine. :'''Cody''': I'm not. :'''Zack''': Ok. :'''Cody''': I mean it. :'''Zack''': I know. :'''Cody''': I've got to clean it up!! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Trevor''': And then she said "who" instead of "whom". I'm not a grammar snob, but it's just egregious when somebody uses the subjective case instead of the accusative case, hahaha! :'''London''': ''[understanding nothing]'' Hahahaha! Will you accuse me for one moment? ''[approaches Maddie]'' Maddie, help me! I can't get through this lunch. :'''Maddie''': Uh! ok. The fork is the one with the pointy end. :'''London''': No, look I mean I can't understand a single thing he says. Give me my opinion on something. :'''Maddie''': Oh. Just tell him your favorite composer is Bach. :'''London''': Where's he been? :'''Maddie''': He's dead. :'''London''': So he came Bach from the dead? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carey''': OK guys. That's it. You've got to clean up. Cody, get to work. Zack, get a bulldozer. ===''French 101'' [#28]=== :'''London''': ''[to a purse snatcher]'' You can't have this purse! It doesn't match your outfit! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bob comes into the lobby and sees Cody chasing Zack.]'' :'''Bob''': Where are they going? :'''Moseby''': With any luck, the [[w:Bermuda Triangle|Bermuda Triangle]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cody''': How do I look? And be brutal. :'''Zack''': Like a backstabbing French-girl-stealing jerk in a goofy sweater vest. :'''Cody''': You really think it looks goofy? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cody''': I know what you're up to! Don't think for one second I don't know what you're up to! I know exactly what you're up to! What are you up to?? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cody''': I wanna ask Jolie out. Can you translate for me? :'''Mr. Moseby''': I'd rather lick the inside of a city bus. ===''Day Care'' [#29]=== :'''London''': You never gave up on me when I was learning the alphabet! :'''Moseby''': But that took 14 years! :'''London''': And now I know my ABDs. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Esteban''': ''[sings]'' Rock-a-bye, chicken, in the tree top. Watch out for the farmer. Your head he will chop. ''[the children start crying]'' :'''Zack''': Don't you know any lullabies that don't involve decapitating poultry? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Johnny''': Do you like coloring? :'''Cody''': I sure do, little one! In the first grade, I won a free ice cream sundae for my work on the "Enchanted Pony Island Coloring Book"! :'''Johnny''': You're weird. :'''Zack''': He's got you pegged. :''[Johnny kicks Cody's shin]'' :'''Cody''': Ow! Little boy, don't you know it's not nice to kick people in the shin? :''[Johnny steps on Cody's foot]'' :'''Cody''': Ow! Look, Kid, I know Santa, and someone just made the Naughty List! :'''Johnny''': I'm Jewish! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zack''': Hey, look Maddie. I'm recycling. Do you know why? 'Cause I love this planet as much as I love you. :''[Maddie rubs hair of Zack]'' :'''Maddie''': Good for you. :'''Zack''': ''(to Cody)'' She wants me. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carey''': I am so pleased that you boys care about the environment. :'''Zack''': Hey, recycling cans is important, and I love this planet, and I want our children to live in a better place... :'''Cody''': Maddie is not here. :'''Zack''': ''[handing Cody a bag of cans]'' Oh... Then you carry this junk. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zack''': Did I ever tell you how pretty you are when you're angry? :'''Maddie''': Well, I must be gorgeous because I'm furious! ===''Heck's Kitchen'' [#30]=== :'''Cody''': Zack, stuff the chicken with vegetables! :'''Zack''': What if she doesn't like them? :'''Cody''': She's dead. :'''Zack''': Well, then, that'll make it easier! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cody''': London, get out there and toss a salad. :'''London''': At who? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zack''': Cody! There's a supermodel checking in! Come on! :'''Cody''': I can't. I have a hot duck in the oven. :'''Zack''': Well, I have a hot blonde in the lobby. Which is more important? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Moseby''': Cody, you hang out in the hotel kitchen a lot, don't you? :'''Cody''': Yes! :'''Moseby''': Well, don't. I just got a tip that the food critic Bernard Bernaise is coming to the hotel tomorrow. A good review from him will enhance the Tipton's reputation, thus showering me with glory. :'''Cody''': Don't you mean showering chef Paolo in glory? :'''Moseby''': Him, too. :'''Cody''': After all, the man's a genius. The things he can do with asparagus... I need a moment... :'''Zack''': You need a life! :'''London''': Is the critic here yet? :'''Moseby''': Oh, well, there's no way of knowing. According to my secret source, he always checks in under an alias. :'''Maddie''': You have a secret source? :'''Moseby''': At the league of extraordinary hotel managers. If only I could find out which guest he is, then I could make sure he gets the perfect dining experience. :'''Maddie''': So what you are saying is you need someone to spy on all the guests? :'''London''': Someone sly and crafty. :'''Moseby''': Someone who's willing to break all the rules to get what he wants. :''[They turn towards Zack and Cody]'' :'''Zack''': You know... we don't come cheap! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Patrick''': Garry and Richard are the only waiters who can do table-side service. :'''Cody''': London! Get Garry and get Rich. :'''London''': I'm already rich. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Maddie''': London, lettuce. :'''London''': Let us what? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cody''': My poor Seafood Medley... :'''Zack''': It's seafood deadly now! ===''Free Tippy'' [#31]=== :'''Moseby''': ''[talking to Mr. Tipton on cell phone]'' No, sir, that's Mrs. Delacourt. :'''Mrs. Delacourt''': ''[talks into phone]'' Of the Boston Delacourts. We own the larger island next to yours. By the way, your yacht looks a tad ratty! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Maddie''': ''[about the replacement brooch]'' London, that is not the point. This one doesn't have sentimental value. :'''London''': That's right. It has dollar-mental value. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cody''': You know, Tim always obeys me. :'''Zack''': He's a rock! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zack''': You don't have to do everything Mr. Moseby says. We like to think of his rules more as... suggestions. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carey''': If I give you guys pets, will you stop bugging me? :'''Twins''': Yes. :'''Carey''': Pet rocks. Don't overfeed them. :'''Cody''': I'm gonna name mine Tim. ===''Forever Plaid'' [#32]=== :'''Carey''': You're gonna write those girls an apology and an essay on why peeping is wrong. Five hundred words each. :'''Zack''': Five hundred words? Couldn't you just ground us? :'''Carey''': One thousand. :'''Zack''': One thousand! :'''Carey''': Two thousand. You wanna go for three? :'''Cody''': Quit while we're behind. You don't even know three thousand words. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cody''': (after lamp hits wall) Oh no! :'''Zack''': Wonder what Mr. Moseby will say? :'''Mr. Moseby''': (appearing in doorway) I don't know. Let's ask him. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Corrie''': I can't believe London is in our English class. :'''London''': (to Mary-Margaret) She scares me. :'''Corrie''': I scare London Tipton! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Maddie''': This is the cafeteria. What do you want for breakfast, London? London? :'''London''': I look horrible. :'''Maddie''': We're all wearing the same thing. :'''London''': You look horrible too. <hr width="50%"/> :'''London''': (to Maddie) Thanks to you, Mary-Margaret and I can't go to the fashion show. I hate you. :'''Mary-Margaret''': You were gonna take me? :'''London''': Yeah. :'''Mary-Margaret''': (to Maddie) I hate you too. <hr width="50%"/> :'''London''': What are you doing? :'''Maddie''': Homework. :'''London''': There was school today!? But I thought it was a long weekend. :'''Maddie''': ...It's Wednesday. :'''London''': Oh so it's almost the weekend again! Well, no point in going now! :'''Mr. Moseby''': London, I have a message from your father. He is outraged by your poor attendance record at school. :'''London''': How'd he find out? :'''Mr. Moseby''': He went to your school open house and they've never heard of you. :'''London''': ''[gasps]'' Daddy went to open house? He does care! :'''Mr. Moseby''': He cares so much he's having you transferred to Our Lady of Perpetual Sorrow. :'''Maddie''': That's funny. My school has the same name! What are the odds!? ''[laughs]'' :''[Moseby nods and Maddie starts sobbing]'' ===''Election'' [#33]=== :'''Cody''': Promise me that nobody will get hurt. :'''Maddie''': I can't make that promise! :'''Cody''': Oddly, I'm OK with that. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zack''': Hey, Maddie, I'm running for class president! :'''Maddie''': Great! What's your platform? :'''Zack''': "Vote for Zack." :'''Maddie''': No, that's your slogan. Your platform covers the issues you care about. What do you care about most? :'''Zack''': I care about the people who vote for Zack! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zack''': You back-stabbing lowlife jerk! :'''Carey''': You better be talking to him. :'''Zack''': I am. :'''Carey''': Well, don't talk to him like that. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zack''': Cody actually has some very good ideas. I've got nothing. :'''Bob''': What about ice cream and skate parks? (crowd agrees) :'''Zack''': Like that'll happen. What do you guys still believe in, the Tooth Fairy? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Arwin''': I for one am voting for Cody. :'''Max''': You don't go to school here. :'''Arwin''': Oh. Well if I went to school here, I'd vote for Cody. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Arwin''': (about the 24-hour bellhop) This will increase efficiency by 13.4%. :'''Moseby''': How did you arrive at that figure? :'''Arwin''': I made it up. ===''Moseby's Big Brother'' [#34]=== :'''Carey''': Having a younger sibling can be tough. I remember torturing my younger sister. :'''Moseby''': I didn't know you had a sister. :'''Carey''': Yeah. She doesn't talk to me any more. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cody''': It's about doing your homework, eating your broccoli when Mom isn't looking! :'''Zack''': You offered it to me! :'''Cody''': Yeah, because that's what brothers do for each other! But it's never reciprocal! :'''Zack''': Huh? :'''Cody''': Reciprocal means it would be nice if you did something for me for a change! :'''Zack''': I did! You offered me money and I took it! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carey''': With what I made last month and with what you spent. What we have left for bikes is -$12. :'''Zack''': Can I get my -$6 in cash. ===''Books & Birdhouses'' [#35]=== :'''Cody''': Take an easy class? Like wood shop? :'''Zack''': What makes you think wood shop is easy? :'''Cody''': Duh, you're taking it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zack''': Do you think wood grows on ''trees''? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carey''': Relax, Cody. I think you're putting too much pressure on yourself. :'''Cody''': I'm not putting too much pressure on me. Harvard's putting too much pressure on me! Yale is putting too much pressure on me! Princeton! M.I.T! Stanford! Do you think they're out there looking for under-achievers? If I don't ace woodshop, I'll end up being one of those guys who sells hot dogs and sleeps in a taxi! :'''Zack''': Hey! How much does that pay? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sister Dominick''': What's going on here? :'''London''': Maddie's jealous because I'm a best selling author on top of being rich and beautiful. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zack''': What are you doing? :'''Cody''': Getting ready to drill a hole. :'''Zack''': Well, here in woodshop we tuck in our shirts before we use tools. :'''Cody''': But this shirt is a 100% linen, if I tuck it in and take it out, it will be wrinkled. :'''Zack''': Well, there's a 100% chance you'll be wrinkled when you get sucked into a sander. These safety rules were made for your own protection. :'''Cody''': Oh, yeah? And who came out with them? :'''Bob''': Nine-fingered Nick. :'''London''': (at a children's reading) Hello young readers. Remember, reading makes you smarterer. ===''Not So Sweet 16'' [#36]=== :'''Maddie''': Great news! :'''Esteban''': The revolution has begun in my country and they want to put my grandmama back on the throne? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carey''': London, when you said you wanted me to sing to the guests, I thought it would be in the main room, not the bathroom. :'''London''': I want my guests to be entertained at all times. :'''Carey''': Well, now my career is literally in the toilet. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Maddie''': This is so unfair! I have to have my party at the Goose Lodge because my brother needs braces. (to Liam) Thanks a lot, you thumb sucker! :'''Liam''': You have no friends! Except this creepy dweeb! :'''Zack''': Come over here, booger! I'll straighten your teeth! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zack''': (to Cody) Fine, then I guess I won't find Maddie the perfect gift and she'll never love me. And we'll never get married, forcing me to live on your couch, eating your food, not doing my laundry year after year. :'''Cody''': Okay, stop it already! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Maddie''': London, this isn't fair. Your birthday was 6 months ago. :'''London''': So? I can have my party whenever I want. :'''Maddie''': I seem to remember on your actual birthday you took a cruise around the Mediterranean. What do you call that? :'''London''': Tuesday. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zack''': (to Cody about his gift to Maddie) I'll buy it off you! Name your price. :'''Cody''': Ten thousand dollars! :'''Zack''': Name a lower price! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zack''': What did you get her? :'''Cody''': A tea set, including a China cup with her name painted on it, her favorite tea imported from India, and a box of cinnamon sticks. :'''Zack''': Well, how did you know she wanted all that? :'''Cody''': Because last week, she said to us, "For my birthday, I'd really like a China cup with my name painted on it, my favorite tea imported from India, and a box of cinnamon sticks." :'''Zack''': What was I doing when she said that? :'''Cody''': Staring at her, thinking about that talk we had with Dad. ===''Twins at the Tipton'' [#37]=== :'''Zack''': I wanna make fun of Cody before his date, and it's always nice to have backup. :'''Bob''': Actually, I'm here because there is no date... Irma postponed it. :'''Zack''': When? :'''Bob''': When I say postponed, I mean ''dumped''! :'''Zack''': She dumped him? That'll crush him! We'll have to break it to him gently. ''[Cody walks in.]'' Hey, Cody! Welcome to the club! :'''Cody''': What club? :'''Zack''': ''The-Guys-Who-Aren't-Dating-Irma'' Club. :'''Bob''': That's your idea of gentle? :'''Zack''': Hey, I didn't kick him. :'''Cody''': You're lying. :'''Bob''': I got it directly from the source. Irma told Kim who told Phill who told Ashley who told Brenda who told Dylan who told Cole who told me... ''[breathes in for air]'' It's over. :'''Cody''': But why? What happened? :'''Bob''': She got back together with her camp boyfriend. :'''Cody''': No! Not Joaquin! The one with the 12-speed bike and the puka shell necklace! This is horrible. :'''Zack''': Ok, buddy, this was a tough break, but there are lots of fish in the sea. :'''Cody''': ''[crying]'' I don't want a fish... I want I-i-irma! :'''Zack''': Come on, with whiskers like those, she looks like a catfish! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kirk''': I'd like a chocolate bar, please. :'''Maddie''': [See's Kirk and gets exited] You can have anything you want! :'''Kirk''': [blank look on his face] I'd like a chocolate bar, please. :'''Maddie''': You're a man with a purpose. I like that. So, are you twin? :'''Kirk''': Yeah, are you? :'''Maddie''': No, my parents are old-fashioned. They like to make 'em one at a time. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zack''': Ooh! look at that cute girl over there. Ooh! and there she is again! One for each of us! :'''Cody''': I already have a girl, my beautiful Irma. :'''Zack''': Your beautiful Irma happens to have more hair on her upper lip than you do. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zack''': How about I show you one of Boston's most elegant restaurants? Ever had a 7-meat pizza? :'''Jessica''': That sounds intriguing! ...Or disgusting... :'''Zack''': It's both! So, how about it? :'''Jessica''': Thanks! But... I don't go anywhere without my sister Janice. :'''Zack''': No problem. I'll take my vitamins. :'''Jessica''': I meant - could you bring your brother? :'''Zack''': That's another way to go... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zack''': Dude! Look at you! The suite but you're a mess! You need to get back out there. But you might wanna take off the apron first. :'''Cody''': I told you I'm not ready. :'''Zack''': I understand. Only time can mend a broken heart. :'''Cody''': Thank you. :'''Zack''': You've got five minutes. Because that's when Jessica and Janice are gonna be here for our date. :'''Cody''': What part of "not going" don't you understand? :'''Zack''': The "not" part. Dude, they're twins! Gorgeous twins! On vacation! What they do in Boston stays in Boston! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zack''': And then I get back and they're all crying into their pizza! :'''Carey''': Well, honey, I'm sorry your date was ruined, but you got what you deserved. :'''Zack''': Is there no shoulder for me to cry on? :'''Carey''': You pushed you brother to go out before he was ready just so you could have fun. Honey, it's gonna be a long time before he's comfortable around girls. :'''Cody''': ''[entering the suite with Jessica and Janice, all laughing]'' I had a wonderful time, ladies. :'''Jessica''': Don't forget, see you tomorrow for breakfast. :'''Janice''': Tea and scones! ''[they both kiss Cody's cheeks]'' :'''Cody''': Pip, pip! Cheerio! Ta-ta! Peace out! ''[girls leave]'' Yes! Zack, I can't thank you enough. If you hadn't told me to get back out there, I'd be sitting here alone and so depressed! ♪Rule Britannia, Britannia rule the wave...♪ <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dirk''': We're fraternal twins. :'''London''': No you're not. You don't look anything alike. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dirk''': You can have my baked potato. :'''Maddie''': Don't you want any? :'''Dirk''': Nah. I feel like I can still taste the fertilizer. ===''Neither a Borrower Nor a Speller Bee'' [#38]=== :'''Zack''': It's my motto: "Aim low and avoid disappointment." :'''Cody''': I thought your motto was "Sleep and eat." :'''Zack''': It's my other motto, and it's not as easy as it seems. Sometimes you eat too much and you can't sleep. Sometimes you sleep too much and miss the meals. :'''Cody''': Boy, your life is such a delicate balance. :'''Zack''': You have ''no'' idea! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carey''': What have I told you, Zack? "Neither a borrower nor a lender be." :'''Zack''': Well, I'm halfway there. I never lend. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carey''': I spelled it p-o-l-i-t-i-c-k-s. :'''Zack''': So you got it right. ===''Bowling'' [#39]=== :'''Carey''': You locked him in the hallway with no clothes. :'''Zack''': But two weeks of no TV is cruel and unusual punishment. :'''Carey''': Don't push it. And if you do it again, I'll ground you so long they'll write country music songs about it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carey''': What is it with you? I tell you not to do something, and you promise not to do it, and you do it anyways! :'''Zack''': Life, it's all a learning experience. :'''Cody''': ''[chiming in]'' And you learned nothing. ''[to Carey]'' I go with "no allowance". <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cody''': I hate those rented shoes. Two hours in the shower and I can still feel the fungus between my toes! :'''Zack''': Speaking of fungus, hand me that soda. :'''Cody''': What does that have to do with fungus? :'''Zack''': Nothing. I just want my danged soda! :'''Cody''': Why can't you get your danged soda yourself? :'''Zack''': Mr. Moseby wants me to ice my bowling arm. :'''Cody''': Boy, you are milking this star player thing... :'''Zack''': Speaking of milking things, I need you to do my current events homework. Mr. Moseby wants me to ... rest my ... golden arm... :'''Cody''': Well, you better get the newspaper first, because you're doing your own stinking homework. :'''Zack''': Fine, fine, fine. But if I pull a finger muscle, it's on your head. :'''Cody''': Well, it's better than where it usually is, up your nose, digging for gold. :'''Zack''': That's funny... ''[Zack opens the door to leave the suite]'' Hey, check it out! There's some loser on a hall in a towel! :'''Cody''': No way! Who is it? :'''Zack''': You! ''[Zack pushes Cody and closes the door]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''London''': ''[cheering]'' We've got spirit, yes, we do. We've got spirit, how 'bout- you? ''[bumps into Ilsa's brawny bowler Hilda]'' :'''Hilda''': We've got spirit, ya, we do. Shut your mouth, or I'll crush you! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Moseby''': ''[learning that Zack has been grounded before the bowling match]'' I beg you to punish Zack on a regular basis, but just when I need him the most, you get tough. You hate me, don't you? ===''Kept Man'' [#40]=== :'''Zack''': Me and Cody were going to see ''Killer Koala.'' :'''Theo''': Saw it. He was framed by the platypus. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zack''': I've learned two things today. It's that, one, you can't buy friendship; and two, city bus drivers take pity on you when you're half naked. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zack''': Mr. Moseby, you think you could open the icecream bar a bit earlier today? :'''Moseby''': Absolutely not, there is no... :'''Theo''': I could go for an ice cream. :'''Moseby''': Consider it open! Let me call our frozen confections engineer. :'''Zack''': Thanks man, that was awesome! :'''Theo''': Need anything else? :'''Cody''': Yeah, a basketball that comes back up after it hits the ground. :'''Theo''': Well, why won't you come back to my place. I've got dozens of basketballs and a regulation court. :'''Zack''': You have a basketball court outside your house? :'''Theo''': Inside, right next to the bowling alley. ''[to Moseby]'' Tell mom I'm taking the car. :'''Zack''': You have a car? :'''Theo''': Well, if you consider a stretched limo with a hot tub and a big screen tv a car then yeah... :'''Zack''': Dude, where have you been all my life! :'''Cody''': Hot tub - called it! <hr width="50"%/> :'''Moseby''': Why is there a crying baby in the lobby? :'''Maddie''': It's not a real baby. It's our homework assignment. :'''Moseby''': Is there any way you can get your homework assignment to shut up? ===''The Suite Smell of Excess'' [#41]=== :'''Esteban''': It's raining lamas and goats outside. :'''London''': Don't you mean cats and dogs? :'''Esteban''': ''[giggles]'' That's a silly expression. Why must all women shop so much? Uh, nine shopping bags? :'''London''': One for every day of the week! :'''Maddie''': I bet you also think that a woman's place is in the kitchen! :'''Esteban''': Only after she gets back from the grocery store! :'''Maddie''': Oh, that attitude is so typically male! I'll have you know, women are capable of doing anything! :'''Esteban''': How about talking quietly? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cody''': You thinking what I'm thinking? :'''Zack''': Chihuahuas have freakishly huge ears. I mean, compared to their bodies, they're massive! :'''Cody''': NO! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carey''': And just where do you two think you're going? :'''Cody''': ''[to Zack]'' I don't get it. She didn't even turn around! :'''Zack''': Ok. The eyes in the back of her head thing is really creepy! :'''Carey''': Just so you know, my vision is twenty-twenty-twenty-twenty. You are not playing hockey without helmets and a whole bunch of pads, anything that looks like skin - go cover it. :'''Zack''': Speaking of helmets and pads, if we wear them, could we go bungee jumping later? :'''Carey''': Not even off your bed. :'''Cody''': Bob's parents said he could go. :'''Carey''': And if Bob's parents let him jump off the bridge, would you wanna do that too? :'''Zack''': If we were attached to a bungee cord! :'''Carey''': Not even if you were still attached to my umbilical cord. :'''Zack''': Ok, ewww... :'''Cody''': Why won't you let us have any fun? :'''Carey''': It's my job. It's the first thing they teach you in mom's school. I discipline because I care. :'''Zack''': Well, couldn't you care less? We're not kids you know! :'''Cody''': Yeah, can't you treat us like adults? :'''Carey''': As soon as I don't have to buy my own Mother's Day cards. :'''Cody''': Fine, we'll read. :'''Zack''': Careful Cody, you better put your helmet on. Those are hard cover books. :'''Cody''': Is this safe enough for you mom? Ow! paper cut! Mommy, kiss it! <hr width="50%"/> ''[Zack and Cody enter Arwin's office while he is holding a paper board model of Carey]'' :'''Zack''': Hey Arwin, what are you... :'''Cody''': Ok, that's a little disturbing... :'''Arwin''': I was just practicing asking your mom out, because every time I try to ask your real mom, I get lost in her big brown beautiful eyes... :'''Cody''': Arwin! :'''Arwin''': Yeah! :'''Cody''': Put mom in the drawer and come play with us! :'''Zack''': I mean, everytime we ask someone to play with us, they all say the same thing. :'''Arwin''': I don't have time. :'''Zack''': Yeah! :'''Arwin''': No, no, I mean I really don't have time. See, when I'm not practicing my dating skills, I'm working on a secret project. So secret in fact, that no power on earth can make me tell you what it is. :'''Zack''': Then we won't ask. :'''Arwin''': Ok, ok, I'm gonna tell you! Ready? 3, 2, 1, tada! Aaaaaah! Yeah! :'''Cody''': Wow... a pay phone... :'''Zack''': You invented something that nobody uses anymore. :'''Zack, Cody''': (after returning from the parallel universe and Arwin enters) ARWIN!!! :'''Arwin''': ZACK!!! CODY!!! WHY ARE WE YELLING????!!!! ===''Going for the Gold'' [#42]=== :'''Irv''': ''[walks over to Carey]'' The name's Weldon. Irv Weldon. And I like to be shaken, not stirred. :'''Arwin''': Oh, that Weldon is as smooth as porcelain. :'''Zack''': You're gonna be fine Arwin. The first event is in ten minutes. :'''Cody''': Have you found a happy place to think about? :'''Arwin''': Well, actually, at first it was me and mother on a lovely tropical cruise... Then a storm hit and the waves were huge, and then her wheelchair rolled off the side, and I yelled: "Mother, throw me the house keys!" :'''Zack''': Okey... How about thinking about a nice cookie? :'''Arwin''': Uh, that'll work! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Moseby''': Well, most things worth getting require hard work. Which is an experience, shall I say, you have been deprived of. :'''London''': How so? :'''Moseby''': Whenever you want something, you just call daddy and he gets it for you. :'''London''': It's not as easy as it looks. Daddy has a lot of different numbers. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zack''': That was amazing! How did you hit ten free-throws in a row? :'''Cody''': New system. I realized, if I picture myself in the happy place, all the pressure goes away. :'''Zack''': Where's your happy place? :'''Cody''': Can't say. You might show up. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Arwin''': Done! :'''Cody''': A minute, ten seconds. :'''Arwin''': Aaargh! I'll never beat Irv. I'm such a loser. Loser, loser, loser! ''[hits his forehead with his hand]'' :'''Zack''': You've got to be more positive. Try this: winner, winner, winner! ''[hits Arwin's forehead with Arwin's hand]'' :'''Arwin''': No, that doesn't work so well either. :'''Cody''': Well, I've got a great technique to keep from getting nervous. Think of a happy place and all the pressure will just melt away. :'''Arwin''': Well, thanks, but no matter how happy the place, it'll never be me up on that winner's podium accepting the Golden Plunger and a kiss from the plunger girl... :''[Carey enters]'' :'''Carey''': Come on guys, time to get home. :'''Cody''': Can't we stay a little longer mom? :'''Carey''': I'm sorry, but I've got to get upstairs and work on that stupid song, the Tipton's hosting some kind of geek games. Moseby's making me sing at the opening ceremonies and hand out the Golden Plunger. :'''Arwin''': You're the plo-plo-plo-plo-plo-plo- ''[Zack hits him in the back]'' plunger girl? ''[Carey nods]'' Wildon's going down. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cody''': Don't you call our mom a fair-haired beauty! :'''Zack''': Yeah. You should see her in the morning, there ain't nothing beautiful about it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Irv''': Hey plunger girl, I can't wait for our lips to meet. :'''Carey''': I just... I just threw up a little bit... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Maddie''': London, customers. Ok, be cool. Act like we've done this before. :'''London''': Gotcha. :'''Maddie''': Hello, ladies. Welcome to London's, a fabulous fashion boutique. Can I help you with something? :'''Customer 1''': We're just looking. Thank you. :'''London''': Oh, that is not for you. :'''Customer 1''': Excuse me? :'''London''': Those dresses are made for women with an hourglass figure. You're shaped like a pumpkin. And you're more like a butternut squash. :'''Customer 1''': Oh! :'''Customer 2''': Oh! :'''Customer 1''': I have never in my life... :'''Maddie''': I happen to love butternut squash. I love all the winter vegetables! <hr width="50%"/> :'''London''': This store is a total failure. What are you doing wrong, Maddie? <hr width="50%"/> :'''London''': So, have we sold anything yet? :'''Maddie''': Yes. 4 items. :'''London''': Ooh, that's not bad. :'''Maddie''': Considering we sold them to you and you used your employer's 100% discount on all of them, it ain't good. ===''Boston Tea Party'' [#43]=== :'''Maddie''': ''[about George Washington]'' He's the guy on the $1 bill. :'''London''': They make a $1 bill? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Maddie''': Give me liberty- :'''Cody''': Or give me death! :'''Zack''': Is there a third choice? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Moesby''': Stop the bulldozers! I got the injunct-AAAAHHHH! :'''Arwin''': Did you hear that? He said he got the injunct-AAAAHHHH! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carey''': Boys, you need to get upstairs and study for your American History test tomorrow. :'''Zack''': Mother, there is no history. Yesterday we got off the boat and today we bathed in the creek. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Maddie''': Who was the 1st President of the United States? :'''London''': Ooh ooh. I know, I know. He chopped down a cherry tree, had icky wooden teeth. Don't tell me. :'''Esteban''': It's George Washington. :'''London''': No, that's not it. ===''Have a Nice Trip'' [#44]=== :'''Moseby''': What happened? :'''Zack''': Why do you always look at me? :'''Moseby''': Force of habit. What was it, the rascally elves? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cody''': Where would she have learned to con people like that? :'''Zack''': I'm thinking she was home schooled. ===''Ask Zack'' [#45]=== :'''Cody''': How do you know Darlene is talking about you? Oh, yeah, she said "obnoxious." <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cody''': I've got great news! I just got appointed Editor of the school paper! :'''Zack''': We have a school paper? :'''Cody''': Yeah. You know, there's free copies outside the Library. :'''Zack''': We have a Library? :'''Cody''': Okay, I don't blame you for not reading the Revere Express. It stinks, but Ms. Cohen expects me to turn it around, the same way I turned around the Math Lab. :'''Zack''': We have a Math Lab? ===''That's So Suite Life of Hannah Montana'' [#46]=== :Separate article. Please [[That's So Suite Life of Hannah Montana|click here]]. ===''What the Hey'' [#47]=== :'''Maddie''': I just heard the good news. :'''London''': Yes, I just bought my 1000th pair of shoes. :'''Maddie''': No! Your father's getting remarried! :'''London''': You call that news? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Moseby''': Oh dear, did I just hear you say there's another new Mrs. Tipton? :'''London''': Uh-huh. :'''Moseby''': I wish I would've known. I would have bought them an extravagant gift, although the warranties on my last two gifts lasted longer than the marriages. ===''A Midsummer's Nightmare'' [#48]=== :'''Bob''': Am I too late to audition? I hope... :'''Mr. Forgess''': Hey, Bob, I'm happy to see you here. I didn't know you had an interest in Shakespeare. :'''Bob''': I don't. My mom said it was this or oboe lessons. :'''Mr. Forgess''': Huh, love the enthusiasm! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cody''': I'm Bottom? :'''Zack''': That part must stink! :'''Cody''': But that's the character who gets turned into a donkey. :'''Bob''': A donkey named Bottom? Definitely stinks! :'''Cody''': Oh, yeah? What part did you get? :'''Bob''': Well, whatever it is, it's got to be better than Bottom. :'''Agnes''': You're Puck, the fairy. :'''Bob''': A fairy? I hate my Mom! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Vanessa''' (after hearing that Cody and Gwen broke up): If you need a shoulder to cry on...I'm available. :'''Zack''': NO! I mean...he can't. He has a...meeting with the Geek Club! :'''Cody''': It's the Glee Club. :'''Zack''': Have you seen the people that walk in there?! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carey''': [to Zack] Come on, Pumpkin! :'''Zack''': Mom, ix-n-ay on the umpkin-p-ay. :'''Carey''': Orry-s-ay. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gwen''': (to Zack, dressed up as Lysander) What are you doing, my Lysander? It's me you love, remember? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. Forgess''': (clapping to Zack) Oh, wow! Great audition! Isn't that a beautiful speech? "Behold." No one says that anymore. Why not? It's a perfectly good word. Behold, my tie is blue! Behold, I got it on sale! :'''Cody''': Behold, Mr. Forgess has toilet paper stuck to his shoe! :'''Mr. Forgess''': Oh, hey, that's very good. (looks at his shoe) Oh! Uh, I'll be right back. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gwen''': Hey, Cody. I was thinking, and it might be a good idea if we see other people. :'''Cody''': Other people? We've barely seen each other. :'''Gwen''': Oh, come on, we've had some pretty good times. :'''Cody''': You mean yesterday? :'''Gwen''': Exactly, glad you understand. <hr width="50%"/> :'''London''': I'm back! Who missed me? (nobody in the lobby pays attention to her)I brought presents!(everyone starts welcoming her back) <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. Moseby''': [to London] How was your stay at the Tokyo Tipton? :'''London''': Fantastic! :'''Mr. Moseby''': Not as fantastic as the Boston Tipton, right? :'''London''': Actually, Daddy says the Tokyo Tipton is the best Tipton ever. :'''Mr. Moseby''': Oh, yeah? What's so great about it? :'''London''': The lobby there was decorated according to the Asian principles of Feng Shui. I mean, you can really feel the difference in the energy flow. It went right through you. :'''Maddie''': Are you sure you didn't just eat some bad sushi? (laughs) :(London glares at her) <hr width="50%"/> :'''London''': See, this is a Ba Gua. :'''Esteban''': (carrying several luggage bags on his back) It is also the only thing she carried. :'''London''': It's a chart that shows how to rearrange your space to enhance different areas of your life, like good health, good fortune. Uh-oh! :'''Mr. Moseby''': Uh-oh what? :'''London''': Uh-oh, your lobby is way out of alignment! :'''Esteban''': (still carrying all the bags) So is my spine! <hr width="50%"/> :'''London''': Don't you love what I've done to the place? :'''Mr. Moseby''': (behind a wall) Don't you think people are gonna have trouble finding the check-in desk? :London: If they do, you can just ring the chimes like this. (rings chimes) Check in over here! :'''Mr. Moseby''': (wearing a large robe) I have issues with this outfit. Well, there is no place to put my wallet and I'm feeling an uncomfortable breeze! :'''Maddie''': London, I have a little situation at the candy counter. :'''London''': What's the situation? :'''Maddie''': It's outside and I'm freezing to death! :'''London''': Well, that's because you've got your summer kimono on, silly. :'''Maddie''': Why can't I wear my old uniform? :'''London''': Because it's in disharmony with the lobby. :'''Maddie''': I'm not even in the lobby! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. Forgess''': Well, I think you guys really got to understand the theme of the play. :'''Zack''': Girls stink. :'''Cody''': Never work with your brother. :'''Bob''': I should've gone with the oboe. :'''Mr. Forgess''': Close enough. ===''Lost in Translation'' [#49]=== :'''Cody''': It's International Week at school, and I've learned to say things in ten different languages! :'''Zack''': And I've learned to snore in ten different languages. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carey''': You have to figure out what you're going to do. :'''Zack''': Don't worry. I've got International Day covered. :'''Carey''': Bringing in a slice of Swiss cheese doesn't count. :'''Zack''': What if I put it on a German kaiser roll? <hr width="50%"/> :'''London''': Boy, am I tired. I've been working all day. :'''Maddie''': On your history paper? :'''London''': No, I have people for that. I've been going through my old clothes. I'm getting rid of them. Oh, look. Here's the outfit I wore on the plane going to Paris last weekend. And here's the outfit I wore getting off the plane. :'''Maddie''': I've been wearing the same socks for a week. :'''London''': Oh, I thought that smell was seaweed cookies. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carey''': Boys, why is there a woman with a fish at the door? :'''Zack''': Mori-san. :'''Kumiko''': Hi. :'''Cody''': We invited our friend over for dinner. She's a famous singer from Japan. :'''Carey''': Oh, yes! You're performing at the Nakamura Convention. I'm also a singer. :'''Kumiko''': Oh, you famous, too? Singing in front of lots of people making lots of money. :'''Zack and Cody''': No. :'''Carey''': My fan club. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. Moseby''': Zack. Cody. Where's Kumiko! :'''Zack''': I only tell you if you promise not to get angry. :'''Mr. Moseby''': I promise. :'''Cody''': Zack lost her in school. :'''Zack''': I think he's angry. :'''Mr. Moseby''': How do you lose, a woman! :'''Cody''': You forget to cherish her. :'''Carey''': Aw, and that's why your my special little man. :'''Mr. Moseby''': The Nakamori executives are expecting a brilliant japanese singer less than an hour and what am I to do? :'''Cody''': Mom's a brilliant singer. :'''Mr. Moseby''': And there's just one problem, she's not japanese. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kumiko''': (to Zack) Don't worry. As a sign of respect, I will save the eyeballs for Mommy. :'''Carey''': (scared) Oh goody. ===''Volley Dad'' [#50]=== :'''Cody''': I don't think Harvey's right for Mom. And you're just happy because he's rich. :'''Zack''': Ta-ta, no! I-I-I think he's a kind, caring man who — who happens to have a mansion with five bathrooms. We could all go at once, and still have one toilet left over! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cody''': Our fridge is the size of R2D2! <hr width="50%"/> :'''St. Silvia's Player''': I just wanted to meet the dumbest heiress in Boston. :'''London''': Excuse me. :'''St. Silvia's Player''': (slowly) Was I speaking too fast? <hr width="50%"/> :''After London power slams the ball in the girl's face'' :'''London''': (slowly) Did I hit it too hard? ===''Loosely Ballroom'' [#51]=== :'''Cody''': Esteban, now you have enough money to pay for your little sister's quinceañera. :'''Esteban''': Oh, yes. And I would like to thank everyone from the heart of my bottom! :'''Zack''': Bottom of my heart. :'''Esteban''': That, too! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. Moseby''': Esteban, good news. I have booked the Boston Ballroom Dance Competition for here at the Tipton. Now, if your school takes first place, you'll get $1,000. :'''Esteban''': Oh, gracias, Mr. Moseby. You booked this to help me pay for my sister's quinceñiera. :'''Mr. Moseby''': No, I just wanted a trophy. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jessica and Janice''': Aw :'''Zack and Cody''': Yeah! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Esteban''': [to the twins] So, little blonde peoples, to help me help my little sister, (begging) will you please take my ballroom dance class? :'''Zack''': We're into more manly sports. :'''Cody''': Yeah, we're more slam dunks then, grande jeté! :'''Zack''': And some of us are even to manly to say, let alone do, a grande jeté. :'''Jessica''': Actually, I adore ballroom dancing. :'''Janice''': Me too. It's so romantic. :'''Jessica''': Really romantic. :'''Zack and Cody''': (cheerfully turn to Esteban) SIGN US UP!! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jessica''': Zack, your theory of the origin of the universe is fascinating. :'''Janice''': Really fascinating. :'''Cody''': Ok, I can't take this, the theory of the universe is the string theory, not the string cheese theory. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zack''': Jessica, you're leading again. :'''Jessica''': I'm leading because you're hesitating. :'''Zack''': Well, I'm hesitating because you keep critising me. :'''Jessica''': I'm criticzing you because you're not doing it right. :'''Zack''': I'm not doing it right because you're yelling. :'''Jessica''': You're the one who's yelling. (turns away from each other) <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jessica''': Ow! You stepped on me again! :'''Zack''': I stepped on you because your foot is not supposed to be there. :'''Jessica''': That's where you lead me! :'''Zack''': Ha! It'd be easier to lead a donkey! :'''Janice''': Who told you to be so rude to my sister?! :'''Zack''': Oh, like it's my fault she pushes me around like a bulldozer. :'''Jessica''': (gasps) I will not be spoken to that way! :'''Janice''': No, we won't! :(Janice & Jessica start to leave) :'''Cody''': Wait, that was a compliment. :'''Janice''': How? :'''Cody''': I have no idea. <hr width="50%"/> :(When Carey, London, and Lance show up for Esteban's ballroom dance lessons) :'''Esteban''': What are you all doing here? :'''Carey''': Cody said you were teaching dance and we couldn't wait to learn from the great Esteban. :'''Esteban''': So he told you I was desperate for money and you took pity on me. :'''Carey''': Pretty much. :'''Esteban''': And I'm okay with that. :'''Carey''': Okay! :'''London''': Ooh, sign me up, too! I have a whole closet full of ballroom dancing clothes I finally get to wear, then throw out. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Leo''': (coughing) Is this the ballroom dance class? :'''Esteban''': Oh, yes, it is. Are you here to enroll? :'''Leo''': Yes. My doctor told me I needed some exercise, but my nurse Shannon won't let me chase her around the living room anymore. (starts crying) I'll be all right. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mrs. Mayweather''': (to Esteban) Why can't I be your partner?! :'''Leo''': 'Cause you're with me now, baby. And we're gonna dance 'till I'm blue in the face. :'''Mrs. Mayweather''': Well, that won't take long. You were out of breath when you walked in the room. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Esteban''': Okay, everyone. Let's go over what dance each couple will be doing. London, Lance, what do you feel comfortable doing? :'''London''': Shopping. :'''Lance''': Swimming. :'''Esteban''': I meant with dance. :'''Lance''': The swim. :'''London''': The shop. :'''Esteban''': The Samba it is. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Esteban''': Lori? Where'd she go? :'''Shannon''': Well, she said you were all pathetic losers and left. :(Everyone starts protesting) :'''Leo''': What did she say?! :'''Mrs. Mayweather''': You were a pathetic loser. :'''Leo''': Oh. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cody''': What's wrong with Janice? :'''Zack''': She's got noodle arms. It's like dancing with spaghetti. I'll never win the junior division with her. :'''Cody''': Then why should I take her? :'''Zack''': 'Cause you'll never win with anyone. :'''Cody''': That is... probably true. ===''Scary Movie'' [#52]=== :'''Zack''': ''[to Cody]'' Why is she still here? :'''Carey''': To remind you not to see anything inappropriate, like ''Bullet Sandwich'' or ''Zombie Mom.'' :'''Cody''': Fine, but when you pick us up, no hugging and no calling us "my little men." :'''Carey''': Why don't you just rip my heart out? :'''Zack''': I think that's how ''Zombie Mom'' ends. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cody''': I gotta say, you were right about going to see Zombie Mom. All though I found the storyline was thin and the blood-drinking scene was gratuitous, it scared the snot out of Janice. And she held on to me the whole time. :'''Zack''': Yeah, great flick. :'''Cody''': I could tell you liked it by your screaming. :'''Zack''': I wasn't screaming. I was cheering. ''[Cody moves to turn the light off.]'' Don't you turn off that light! :'''Cody''': Or what, you'll "cheer" again? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. Moseby''': What's with all the candy? Looks like a pinata threw up. ===''Ah, Wilderness!'' [#53]=== :'''Cody''': We haven't even had our first meeting yet, and you're already breaking the rules? :'''Zack''': Look, I didn't join up just to follow a bunch of dopey rules. I joined so I could tie knots, climb things and start campfires. :'''Moseby''': Basically, all the stuff you do in my lobby. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Warren''': This is no picnic, ma'am. :'''Bob''': It is a tough, macho journey into the deep dark unknown. :'''Zack''': TAXI! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. Moseby''': Cody, didn't I tell you to tie our food and hang it from a tree? :'''Cody''': Since you hired me to Koala bear, I decided to delegate it to an underbear. So I told Bob to do it. :'''Bob''': And I told Warren to do it. :'''Warren''': And I forgot to do it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. Moseby''': First we need to dig a trench around our campsite. :'''Warren''': You mean to go potty? :'''Bob''': I think I'm just gonna hold it in. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cody''': You see, my fellow grizzlies and I are supposed to live off the land and the food that my showoff brother keeps finding. :'''Merle''': I got a brother too. He has a two story cabin and it's loaded with babes. Wonder who his real estate agent is. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cody''': Finding food is supposed to be a challenge. :'''Merle''': (holding bowl of strawberries) Ok. I'll just put it way up here. (puts on a high shelf) <hr width="50%"/> :'''Maid''': (startles Carey) Towels, lady? :'''Carey''': Sorry. Didn't hear you come in. I was too busy setting up my painting supplies. The boys are out of town. You know, I used to paint all the time. Then the twins were born, I had to set it aside. Kept telling myself I'd get back to it next week or the week after that. But I never did. Oh well, better later than never though, right? :'''Maid''': (blank face) Towels, lady? ===''Birdman of Boston'' [#54]=== :'''Zack''': ''[after the mother hawk flies away]'' Who is going to hatch the egg? :'''Cody''': I will. :'''Zack''': Okay, but you'd better squat real low. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Moseby''': I talked to the zoo, and they're willing to take the baby hawk as an honored guest. :'''Patrick''': Oh, brilliant solution. Everyone's happy. :'''Maddie''': I know Cody, and he'll never put his baby in a cage. :'''Moseby''': Oh, well, maybe the zoo will also take the twins. Oh, happy day! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Moseby''': What's going on? :'''Cody''': There's something circling the hotel. I think it's a hangglider. :'''Zack''': Get real. It's a flying saucer. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cody''': The hawk is back. :'''Zack''': Where's it been? :'''Cody''': I don't know. What am I supposed to do, ask it? :'''Zack''': Why not? You talk to plants. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cody''': (to Moseby) We'll report you to the TGATPPWSHA. :'''Moseby, Zack''': The what? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Moseby''': (to Zack and Cody) I'll get both of you and your little hawk too! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Moseby''': (trying to touch Arwin's red button on his machine that will try to stop the hawk) What's that- :'''Arwin''': No don't touch that! Woo. I put it there to look cool. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carey''': Okay. I brought a blanket and a hot water bottle. :'''Cody''': No! Don't you know anything about mothering? :'''Carey''': Apparently not. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Arwin''': I made this sling to cradle the egg and keep it at hawk temperature. :'''Zack''': How do you take a hawk's temperature? :'''Arwin''': Very carefully. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Maddie''': Rough day at school? :'''Zack''': Yeah and it's all Cody's fault. :'''Maddie''': Why? Is everyone making fun of you because your twin brother is hatching an egg? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Arwin''': Cody, I made something that is gonna help you bond with the baby. :'''Carey''': Cody, for the record I'm in all of favor of what you're doing here but I think this time Arwin has gone a little too far. :'''Arwin''': This is not going too far. (Puts on a helmet that has a giant bird head on it) <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carey''': You know Cody, I'm always looking forward to becoming a grandma. And of course I thought you'd be older, married, and your baby would be human. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cody''': My egg. I think it's- It's opening. My water broke. Oh my gosh! I'm giving birth! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cody''': (after finding out that Zack took money from the Save the hawk foundation to get a new camera) Zack! :'''Zack''': Ok. I'll send 20% to a real hawk charity. :'''Cody''': 20?! :'''Zack''': Fine. 50%.] :'''Cody''': 50?! :'''Zack''': 100%. But that's as high as I'll go. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cody''': Bubba and I are doing just fine. I'm gonna teach him how to fly. :'''Zack''': (sarcastically) Can't wait to see that test flight. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Moseby''': Madeline, please. Look, a zoo isn't so bad. :'''Maddie''': Then why aren't you living in one? :'''Moseby''': I am. ===''Nurse Zack'' [#55]=== :'''Dr. Chip''': So, who's the patient? :'''Carey''': That would be me, the woman lying in bed, sneezing her guts out. :'''Dr. Chip''': Actually, you can't really sneeze your guts out. I wrote a paper on it. :'''Cody''': What grade did you get? :'''Dr. Chip''': That's not important! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zack''': For Cody, two hundred single-ply napkins. :'''Cody''': I wanted two-ply. :'''Zack''': ''[throwing box in Cody's direction]'' Glue them together. ''[the box hits Cody's head.]'' :'''Cody:''' Ow... :'''Zack''': Here's an ice pack. ''[prepares to throw it]'' :'''Cody''': Never mind! :'''Carey''': Honey, why don't you just walk the stuff to him? :'''Zack''': It's not my fault all he can catch is a cold. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cody:''' Look, just because a man cooks and cleans doesn't mean he can't be macho and tough. [drinks from Carey's mug] :'''Zack''': Hey, you're drinking out of Mom's sicky cup. :'''Cody''': [screams like a girl] :'''Zack''': Yeah, that's macho and tough! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Arwin''': IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII fixed it! <hr width="50%"/> :'''London''': Maddie, I really need your help. :'''Maddie''': I can't. I'm trying to win employee of the month. :'''London''': But I just need one little- :'''Maddie''': (grabs London's shirt) I am trying to win a trip here! Do you know when my last vacation was?! Never! Now back away woman! <hr width="50%"/> :'''London''': Maddie, I really need your help. And I won't take "no" for an answer. :'''Maddie''': No. :'''London''': Okay, I tried. ===''Club Twin'' [#56]=== :'''Maddie''': Hey, guys. So, how'd the summer job hunt go? :'''Cody''': I tell ya, it's tough to secure employment in an economic climate where interest rates are climbing and large cap stocks are fluctuating wildly. :'''Zack''': Plus, we got turned down by Taco Schmaco. :'''Maddie''': Well, Señor Schmaco does like employees to see over the counter. <hr width="50%"/> : '''Cody''': Zack, you told me you booked two dancers who looked like they were from the '60s, not two dancers in their sixties! :'''Zack''': They looked hot here in this picture. :'''Cody''': Didn't you notice the brontosaurus in the background? ===''Risk It All'' [#57]=== :'''Cody''': ''[talking like Elvis]'' Don't cry, little lady. You're getting tears on my blue suede shoes. <hr width="50%"/> :'''London''': Whatcha doing? :'''Maddie''': ''[typing angrily]'' I'm composing an irate letter to Mr. Moseby in an attempt to express my inner angst and achieve emotional catharsis. :'''London''': Whatcha doing? :'''Maddie''': Typing. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Game Show Host''': ''[after Zack fails in the final challenge, which involves spelling the word "DOG" with giant building blocks in an obstacle course]'' Sorry, you spelled 'OG'. 'Ice try! ===''A Nugget of History'' [#58]=== :'''History Teacher''': You seem a little batty! :'''Mosbey's Grandmother''': Oh, I'm batty; this bat is batty! ''[pulls a bat out of a bag and chases Zack's teacher]'' <hr width=50% /> :'''Maddie''': London, someone's at the drive-thru. Use this script to take their order. :'''London''': ''[presses button]'' Hello. Can I take your order? ''[Gibberish is heard through the speaker.]'' Huh? :'''Maddie''': They said they want a Cluck Muncher Meal. Press that button. Use the script! :'''London''': ''[presses button and reads from script]'' Would you like anything else? Suggest whatever's getting cold... Oh. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Maddie''': Your dad's right. It'll be good to live off the money you earn. :'''London''': But I'll starve. Daddy's so cheap, he's only giving me $1000 for every dollar I make. :'''Maddie''': Oh, you poor thing. My dad just installed a pay toilet. ===''Miniature Golf'' [#59]=== :'''Zack''': I got beaten by a girl! It's the most embarrassing thing that's ever happened to me! :'''Cody''': More embarrassing than the time in gym class when your pants fell down? :'''Zack''': That was you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carey''': Zack, I can't believe you're being that shallow. :'''Cody''': Face it, Mom. He's as shallow as a kiddie pool. :'''Zack''': At least I'm not scared to swim in one. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cody''': [to Zack] I just hope you don't act like a jerk again around Ella. :'''Zack''': No, no, I'm going to be a perfect gentleman. And we're going back to Putt Putt Party and I'm gonna politely pummel her to a pulp. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tiffany''': Who cares? That would be like my brother dating Chelsea. :'''Chelsea''': Oh, just because my family's yacht is smaller than yours, you think you're better than me? :'''Tiffany''': Well... yeah! :'''Chelsea''': And, by the way, I did date your brother. He's an idiot. :'''Maddie''': Yikes. :'''London''': Girls, girls, please. It's okay for rich people to hang out with other people who have less money than they do. I mean, I hang out with you guys. :'''Maddie''': Double yikes! :'''Tiffany''': (to London) Well, at least my daddy's not an inn keeper! :'''London''': (gasps) How dare you! (spills her drink on Tiffany's dress) Oops. :'''Tiffany''': Did you just purposely throw tea on my new dress?! :'''London''': Honey, what does it matter? It's probably a knockoff anyway. :'''Maddie''': Uh, ladies, shouldn't we get back to the book? : (Tiffany puts a pie on London's head) :'''Tiffany''': Oops. :'''London''': I'll have you know, I'm too much of a lady to engage in your low-class behavior. Oh, who am I kidding? (hits Tiffany in the back of the head with another pie) :'''Chelsea''': Girls, girls. It doesn't matter what you have in the bank. All that matters is what you have on your face. (hits Tiffany in the face with a pie) :'''Tiffany''': That better be low-fat! :'''Chelsea''': Well, let's ask London. (hits London in the face with a pie) : (Both London & Tiffany hit Chelsea in the face with another pie) :'''London & Tiffany''': Oops. :'''Maddie''': All right, I'll just be going, then! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. Moseby''': [to Maddie] Thought your shift was over, Madeline? :'''Maddie''': It is. But I thought I'd stay and, uh, do a little inventory. :'''Mr. Moseby''': Couldn't resist listening in on London's book club, could you? :'''Maddie''': I can't help it! It's just too bizarre! :'''Chelsea''': (to the other girls in the book club) Okay, everyone, let's get the discussion started. :'''London''': It's about time. (opens up the book) Can we talk about Paris? (closes the book) Did you guys see that hideous pink dress she wore to the Gala last night? It looked like she threw up a flamingo! :'''Maddie''': (to Mr. Moseby) They're not even discussing the book! :'''Mr. Moseby''': And you're surprised because? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Barbara''': Cody, this looks really complicated. :'''Cody''': Not really. All you have to do is look at it as if it were an isosceles triangle. The giraffe on the line intersecting it diagonally. :'''Barbara''': And if you calculate the angle trajectory, you should be able to find the coordinates of the optimal target zone. :'''Cody''': I should have bought my protractor. :'''Barbara''': Oh, I have one! (reaches to her back pocket and takes it out.) :'''Cody''': The Angle Jam 2000? :'''Barbara''': I got it for Chanukah. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zack''': Cody, I have a date with Ella this Saturday and I need you to go with us. :'''Cody''': Oh no! I know what you're doing and I'm not going out with her creepy sister... :'''Zack''': But you... :'''Cody''': ...or brother... :'''Zack''': C'mon you- :'''Cody''': ...or dog. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zack''': [to Cody] Would you relax? You can go with whoever you want. :'''Cody''': Why do I need to go with you at all? :'''Zack''': Because...I really wanna impress Ella and no matter what we end up doing, you just make me look better. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carey''': (after finishing her push-ups) TEN! (reaches to grab the donut) :'''Zack''': (takes the donut before Carey) :'''Carey''': Honey, that was my reward! :'''Zack''': Wasn't being a mother reward enough? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zack''': [to Ella] Your hair looks really pretty under the glow of the tiki torches. :'''Ella''': Thanks. Wait until you see it blowing under the windmill. :'''Cloris''': You should see my hair under the windmill. :'''Zack''': (to Ella privately) Yeah, how do you think it got that way? :'''Cloris''': I heard that! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cloris''': (screams) Next! :'''Barbara''': (scared) I don't want to be next! (hides behind Cody) <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ella''': [to Zack] By the way, I let you win. :'''Zack''': Did not... did you? :'''Ella''': Maybe I did... maybe I didn't. :'''Zack''': Oh, so that's how you want it? Fine. Best 2 out of 3. :'''Ella''': You're on. :'''Zack''': Oh, and if you win, it's best 5 out of 9. <hr width="50%"/> :'''London''': Girls, let's turn to real issues...what do you think of my hair? :'''Maddie''': I'm horrified! :'''Mr. Moseby''': I think her hair looks nice. It's shiny. :'''Maddie''': Did any of you even read the book? :'''Tiffany''': Well, my butler was reading it to me, but my cell phone rang. It was Bradley Wiggins! :'''Chelsea''': Oooh, he's cute! :'''Tiffany''': I know! And he said he's thinking of dumping Allison... for me! <hr width="50%"/> :'''London''': (gets a papercut from reading a book) Reading is dangerous! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cloris''': (to Zack) Why don't you take her bowling? See if you can bite that ball in half. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zack''': (bends golf club) :'''Cloris''': (through mic) You bend it, you buy it! Lousy kid. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Maddie''': So what'd you think of the book? :'''London''': I thought it was a classic tale of love and misunderstanding with beautiful scenery and compelling images with beautifully refined performances by the whole cast. :'''Maddie''': Okay you just saw the movie. :'''London''': I did not. I read the review. Which is reading. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. Moseby''': Those other competitors were quaint with fear when they saw me coming with Big Bula. :'''Zack''': Was Big Bula the name of your club? :'''Mr. Moseby''': Nope. My mother. Bula Moseby. That woman is 250 pounds of fire and brimstone. And 20 pounds of coffee cake. <hr width="50%"/> :'''London''': (while with her book club) Pride and Prejudice is about a rich man who marries a poor girl. Which as we all know only happens in books. (to Maddie) Sorry. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Maddie''': (with London's book club) I must admit I am impressed you girls read the book. So didn't you think Caroline Bingley was a total snob? :'''Tiffany''': Yes I loved her. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Maddie''': London, did you actually read Pride and Prejudice? :'''London''': Yes. :'''Maddie''': Well, what's the main character's name? :'''London''': Pride? ===''Health and Fitness'' [#60]=== :'''Cody''': What's wrong, Chef Paolo? :'''Chef Paolo''': It's the results of my blood test. :'''Zack''': It can't be that bad. :'''Chef Paolo''': They found bacon bits! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Chef Paolo''': ''[reading a note from Cody]'' Chef Paolo, here's your midnight snack: one chocolate chip. If you learn to enjoy things in moderation, you can live healthier. ''[takes a small bite from the chocolate chip]'' I will save the rest for later. (...) It's later! (Paolo then gnashes on the rest of the chip quickly.) <hr width="50%"/> :'''London''': Come by the ballroom later and pick out the outfits you want to wear. Get there early because Francesca will be there. :'''Maddie''': I thought you couldn't stand her. :'''London''': I can't. She is a horrible person. She's nasty, catty and rude. :'''Maddie''': Well, why did you invite her? :'''London''': Because she's one of my best friends. ===''Back In The Game'' [#61]=== :'''Zack''': Oh, hey, Jamie. Here to play some basketball? :'''Jamie''': No. The wheelchair exit's out there. :'''Zack''': Oh, you mean the skateboard ramp? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Maddie''': Esteban, thanks again for being my camera man. :'''Esteban''': I prefer cinema photographer. Ok, how do you work this thing? :'''Maddie''': You push the little red button. :'''Esteban''': Oh. Start, aaah, stop, start, stop, start... :'''Maddie''': Stop! :'''Esteban''': Ok. :'''Maddie''': Not until I say "action". Ok, London, your character is selling her wares. :'''London''': What wares? :'''Maddie''': Those wares. :'''London''': Where? :'''Maddie''': There! Your wares are there! :'''London''': The pears? The pears are my wares? :'''Maddie''': Ok, Lance, remember, you're rich. :'''Lance''': Rich who? :'''Maddie''': No, I mean you have money. :'''Lance''': So I'm rich and my name is Rich? Cool. :'''Maddie''': No, no. your name isn't Rich. :'''Lance''': What's my name then? :'''Maddie''': It doesn't matter. :'''Lance''': Then why can't it be Rich? :'''Maddie''': Ok, it's Rich! Look, I am trying to win a film festival here, people! Ok, Lance, you're about to enter the hotel when you see this poor girl in tattered clothing. :'''London''': Oh, thanks for lending me your clothes, Maddie. :'''Maddie''': Right... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zack''': What are you doing on the court? :'''Jamie''': Well, I decided I'd better play. Not that I want to, but I can't let you guys turn our team into a laughing stock. :'''Bob''': Too late. :'''Trent''': Oh, it's never too late! :'''Bob''': Dude, you're spitting on me. :'''Zack''': Welcome back to the team. :'''Cody''': But who's Jamie going in for? :'''Zack''': Well, I'll give you a hint. His number rhymes with nerdy. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zack''': Remember those kids playing basketball in the lobby? Well I was hoping that Jamie meets them, he might be interested in basketball again. :'''Cody''': He was the best player on our team. :'''Zack''': Ahem. :'''Cody''': He was the best player on our team. <hr width="50%"/> :'''London''': Line please. :'''Maddie''': No. :'''London''': Fine. Then I'll just go look it up in my script. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Trent''': You know we got a game coming up. :'''Bob''': Relax Trent. It's only an exhibition. :'''Trent''': My dad said you're not giving a maximum amount of effort all the time, you're a waste of human life. :'''Bob''': Oh well he must be a lot of fun at parties. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zack''': Can't you throw? :'''Cody''': Can't you catch? :'''Zack''': Well I'd catch it if you could throw it. :'''Cody''': Well I'd throw it if you could catch it. :'''Trent''': HEY! Do you guys know what I hate more than losing? :'''Zack''': What? :'''Trent''': YOU TWO! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Maddie''': I can't find a leading lady for my movie! :'''London''': Here's me pretending to care. (in weepy voice) what movie Maddie? :'''Maddie''': My student film. :'''London''': What's it about? :'''Maddie''': Well it's about society's indifference towards the impoverished and the triumph of the spirit over a pressive socio-econimic circumstance. :'''London''': What's it about? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Daryl''': For future reference, just because a person is in a wheelchair doesn't mean you have to give them special treatment. :'''Mr. Moseby''': Of course. Now, why don't you just sign here for the rooms? :'''Daryl''': Whoa, partner. This is steep. Man, I can't believe you won't give a brother in a wheelchair a break. ===''The Suite Life Goes to Hollywood'' [#62 to #63]=== :'''PART 1''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carey''': Boys, what's going on here? :'''Zack''': There's a dead body in that bag! :'''Lou''': Are these your kids? :'''Carey''': Are you guys cops? :'''Bud''': No. :'''Carey''': Then, yes. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Moseby''': Have fun on your vacation, Madeleine. :'''Maddie''': Fun? It's 20 degrees colder in Minnesota than it is here. Penguins go there and say: "wow, it's cold, let's leave". :'''London''': They have talking penguins there, and you still don't want to go? :'''Zack''': Bye, Maddie. ''[hugs her]'' :'''Cody''': Bye, Maddie. ''[hugs her]'' :'''Carey''': Bye, Maddie. ''[hugs her]'' :'''Zack''': ''[pulling Carey away and hugging Maddie again]'' Bye, Maddie. :'''Carey''': Zack, remember how we talked about people's personal space? :'''Zack''': Yeah, and I like Maddie's space the best. :'''Bud''': There they are! :'''Lou''': Great news! We've sold Zack and Cody! :'''Moseby''': Marvellous! I'll get some bubble wrap, and we'll ship them off immediately! :'''Bud''': No, we've sold a sitcom about twin boys living in a hotel, and you're all in it! :'''Moseby''': Oh! we're going to be stars! :'''Everyone''': Hooray! :'''Lou''': No, you're not, we'll hire actors to play you. :'''Everyone''': Oh... :'''Bud''': But you're all invited to Hollywood to be consultants on the show! :'''Everyone''': Hooray! :'''Lou''': But you'll have to pay your own way there. :'''Everyone''': Oh... :'''London''': We could all go in my private jet! :'''Everyone''': Hooray! :'''London''': But we're all out of salted nuts. :'''Everyone''': Oh... :'''Moseby''': I've had enough of this silliness. I'm out of here. :'''Everyone''': Hooray! :'''Moseby''': I heard that. <hr width="50%"/> '''PART 2''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. Moseby''': I can't believe we got kicked out- :'''London''': Of my own hotel. I'm calling Daddy! :'''Maddie''': It's not your hotel. Hello, it's a set! It's make-believe. :'''London''': Make me believe what? :'''Maddie''': That you have a brain! ===''I Want My Mummy'' [#64]=== :'''Skippy''': I'll get there and back before you can say butterscotch!... But say it real slow. :'''London''': Butt......eeeeeeeer......scotch. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Maddie''': By the way, what exactly does this "curse" do to you? :'''Esteban''': Let's just say you will live your life in agonizing poverty. :'''Maddie''': I get that now. :'''Esteban''': And your skin melts off, your hair bursts into flames and your eyes pop off. :'''Maddie''': Eww! That would so put a damper on prom! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Maddie''': Give me the hat! :'''Esteban''': Aah! :'''Zack''': He won't hurt you! :'''Maddie''': Not if I have the hat! :'''Esteban''': Oh, no! Don't unwrap it! Who knows what it looks like after thousands of years! Aah, it hideous! :'''Carey''': Come here, honey, are you okay? :'''Cody''': Swell. I'm just a little dizzy. :'''Zack''': Welcome back, buddy. :'''Cody''': Welcome back? You've left me wrapped up for hours. Where have you been? I thought you were coming right back to get me. :'''Zack''': Well, we did. But the mummy we took was just a doll wrapped in gauze. It was a total fake! :'''Dakota''': How did you find out the mummy was a fake? :'''Maddie''': It's a fake? :'''Dakota''': No. :'''London''': Liar, liar, cargo pants on fire! This necklace is probably plastic! Here, Maddie, you can have it. :'''Dakota''': Actually, the necklace is real emerald. :'''London''': Thanks for holding it for me, Maddie. :'''Carey''': If the artifacts are real, why would you have a fake mummy? :'''Dakota''': Because I couldn't find the real one. I spent eight years in the jungle, living on beetles and bats' blood. :'''All''': Eew. :'''Dakota''': I've found all these beautiful treasures. But nobody cares about them if I don't have some stupid mummy. It's all about the mummy... mummy, mummy, mummy! :'''Carey''': I think he has mummy issues. ===''Aptitude'' [#65]=== :'''Patrick''': Mr. Moseby, my podium is falling apart and I want a new one. I picked out a lovely one from Podium Emporium. It's mahogany, with a little holder for my spectacles! :'''Mr. Moseby''': Oh, it is beautiful! However, we can't afford it! :'''Patrick''': I'm prepared to quit! :'''Mr. Moseby''': I'm prepared to replace you! :'''Patrick''': I hate when you do that! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zack''': 24% compounded yearly means 2% compounded monthly? :'''Carey''': Zack, you just did math in your head! :'''Zack''': Wow! I did! You know, if they just put dollar signs in front of the numbers, math would be a whole lot easier. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr Moseby''': Patrick! The Morrocan theme is over, why are you still wearing this? :'''Patrick''': I find these puffy pants to be delightfully roomy! I think I'm gonna wear it to work everyday, hmm, stand in the middle of the restaurant where everyone could see them are blowing in the breeze! (''Grabs the side of his pants and imitates it being blowing in the wind''). :'''Mr Moseby''': (''embarrased'') Stop it ''*embarrased chuckle*'' Patrick, Right! What if I get you a new podium? :'''Patrick''': And a raise. :'''Mr Moseby''': Not gonna happen. :'''Patrick''': I'm prepared to quit. :'''Mr Moseby''': I'm prepared to replace you. :'''Patrick''': Podium, it is. (''They shake hands and go their separate ways.') <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr Moseby''': For my first wish... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zack''': ''[to Cody in a dream, in which Zack is a successful business tycoon, and Cody works as a janitor for him]'' Clean this mess up, but save the confetti. Money doesn't grow on trees. :'''Zack's Aide''': Actually, it does. Remember, you had Zacklabs create a money tree? :'''Zack''': Right. Come on girls, let's go talk about how I cleaned up Wall Street while Cody just cleans up. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carey''': Forget the test. Tests aren't important. :'''Zack''': Okay. Remember that next time I bring home an "F." <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. Moseby''': Madeline, the important thing is you did a good deed. :'''Maddie''': That is true. I did save 2 lives. :'''London''': But the Dachsund saved a cat. That's 9 lives. So they got you beat by 7. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Patrick''': OK. I'll call my kabob guy Bob, my pita guy Peter, and my couscous guy Steve. [[Category:American television seasons|Suite Life of Zack & Cody]] b8nvsx2zu0cmktkwri2fr5i1lsrmufp 0 195666 3153092 2953892 2022-08-10T02:04:21Z 67.7.31.110 /* Lip Synchin' in the Rain [#74] */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} 22 Episodes by June 23, 2007 - September 1, 2008 ==''Graduation'' [#66]== :'''Barbara''': I'm taking five AP classes. :'''Cody''': I'm taking six. :''[Barbara steps on Cody's toes.]'' :'''Barbara''': Oww! :'''Cody''': Steel-toed boots. <hr width="50%"/> :'''London''': So, Moseby, Which thing do you like better, this sight land with this yacht and this bathing suit, or this sight land with this yacht and this bathing suit? :'''Mr. Moseby''': Frankly, I don’t give a hoot. <hr width="50%"/> :'''London''': Maddie, you know what I like about summer vacation? Not being locked up in a stuffy school until noon everyday. :'''Maddie''': London, some of us actually come back to school after lunch. :'''London''': And I suppose you go on Fridays, too. (laughs) :'''Maddie''': Yeah, silly me. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cody''': [to Zack] You know, Mom's really gonna be mad when she finds out you're not graduating. :'''Zack''': Well she can't be too mad when she finds out I saved a life. :'''Cody''': Whose life did you save? :'''Zack''': (tries to shove an apple into his mouth) Here, choke on this. <hr width="50%"/> :'''London''': [to Maddie] I'm spending the summer on my yacht. What are you doing? :'''Maddie''': Working here. Oh, yeah, and when I get home, I get to help mom gut fish and apply pimple cream to my dad's hairy back. :'''London''': Ooh, I just had a baby barf! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sister Dominick''': Yoo-hoo, London! So, what are we girls talking about? :'''London''': Fish guts and hairy pimples. :'''Sister Dominick''': Ooh, I just had a baby barf! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zack''': Except that I didn't graduate, okay! :(Everybody gasps) :'''Moseby''': There's a shock! (takes back his gift and steps away) :'''Kurt''': What are you talking about? :'''Zack''': I faked the whole thing. :'''Carey''': I don't, I don't understand. I mean you have a diploma...(unrolls fake diploma and sees the truth) This is a picture of a girl wearing a bikini. :'''Kurt''': (looks at it also) Uh, she's hot! I mean...it's hot...at the beach...that's why she's wearing a bikini... :'''Carey''': Zack, why did you do this? :'''Zack''': Because you tried to bake a cake and Dad left his tour, and I didn't want to disappoint you guys again. :'''Kurt''': Don't sweat it, dude, it's okay. (Carey smacks him in the gut) OOF!!! I mean, you are so in trouble! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. Forgess''': [to Zack] We have a little problem. You seem to have failed English. :'''Zack''': Wait, what? :'''Mr. Forgess''': You won't be graduating with your class. :'''Zack''': No, no, no, no, no! I need to graduate with my class! If I don't graduate, I'll have to go to su... su... su... :'''Mr. Forgess''': ...mmer school. :'''Zack''': Yeah, that's it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cody''': Zack, what are you doing here? This is only for the people who are graduating. :'''Zack''': Well, I figured if I showed up here a plan would just hit me. BAM! Wait a minute...wait a minute...oh, I got nothing. :'''Cody''': Well, at least you're not trying to forge a diploma, sneak into graduation and hide from Mom the fact that you're going to summer school for six weeks. :'''Zack''': Genius! :'''Cody''': I was being facetious. :'''Zack''': Huh? :'''Cody''': (sarcastically) Hard to believe you're failing English. :'''Zack''': There's only one problem. There's only enough caps and gowns for the students who are graduating. :'''Cody''': (sarcastically) Gee, why don't you steal someone else's? :(Zack kisses Cody on the head) :'''Zack''': Again with the genius plans! No wonder they call you the vale...vale...vale-accordion! <hr width="50%"/> :'''London''': Hello, oh hey, Maddie, how is camp? :'''Maddie''': Terrible, these girls are savages, come rescue me! :'''London''': Don't worry, I'll get the Tipton helicopter, I'll be there right away. :'''Mr. Moseby''': I'm proud of you. :'''London''': Really? :'''Mr. Moseby''': Missing a massage to help a friend. :'''London''': Oh, I forgot about shiatsu. Oh, well, Maddie can wait. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Barbara''': Cody, I'm sorry I got upset before. After all, I creamed you in the math competition and you didn't get mad. :'''Cody''': Well, I wouldn't say creamed. But it doesn't matter, because I annihilated you at the spelling bee. And by the way, that's annihilated with 2 Ns and an "h". :'''Barbara''': Oh, that's spelling bee wasn't fair. Your word was so easy, my dog could have spelled it. :'''Cody''': Ha! I doubt it. I met your dog, and he's an idiot. (Barbara stomps on his foot) OWWW! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Maddie''': (to London) What took you so long? Did the storm slow you down? :'''London''': No, I added an extra 20 minutes to my massage because your call really stressed me out. :'''Maddie''': I hate you! :'''London''': I have the helicopter! :'''Maddie''': Love you. Let's go! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cody''': (to Zack) Now, what you need is tell the truth and promising to do well in summer school. :'''Zack''': You're right. Honesty is the best policy. Give me that water. (puts water on his cheeks) Mom's a sucker for a sob story. Dead puppy, dead puppy, dead puppy. OK, let's do this. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Barbara''': Oh Cody, I just know it's going to be you. :'''Cody''': No, Barbara, you deserve it, you're A+ every subject, including dimples. :'''Barbara''': (giggles) :'''Cody''': Oh, there they are. <hr width="50%"/> :'''London''': Don't worry. My helicopter is on its way from my beach house in Newport. :'''Jasmine''': You have a beach house? I live in a one-bedroom apartment with five brothers and sisters. And we share one toothbrush. ===''Summer of Our Discontent'' [#67]=== :'''Mrs. Bird''': Mark, in the multiple choice test you circled A, B, C and D in each one. :'''Mark''': I just couldn't decide on one letter. :'''Mrs. Bird''': I can: F! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cody''': Mr. Moseby, can I have a job? :'''Mr. Moseby''': Sorry, we're not hiring hooligans. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zack''': (sees Haley, a girl in his class) Hi, I'm Zack. And you are? :'''Haley''': Shy! Painfully shy. Don't look at me! (takes a bag and puts it over her head) <hr width="50%"/> :'''Brick''': (to Carey) Hey, ya got a date for the prom? :'''Carey''': (uneasily) Oh shucks, if only you'd asked me sooner. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. Moseby''': (to Cody) You've just set up a date, which is not a date someone thinks is a date, and the other person thinks is an interview. I mean, what could possibly go wrong? :'''Cody''': You're right. Maybe I should be there disguised as a plant. :'''Mr. Moseby''': (sarcastically) Yeah, that'll fix it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. Moseby''': Millicent, how are the candy sales this morning? :'''Millicent''': Sales? I'm supposed to charge people for candy? (whimpers) :'''Mr. Moseby''': Yes, that would explain the cash register! :'''Millicent''': Oops! I thought it was an ATM! I guess this cash belongs to you. (gives Mr. Moseby money) <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cody''': Hey, London. Do you think you can do me a itsy bitsy favor? :'''London''': NO! :'''Cody''': You have no idea what I was going to even say. :'''London''': You were going to say there's this guy who's obsessed with me because I'm the most amazing person in the world and he just has to have a date with me. :'''Cody''': (stutters and hesitates) Th-th-that's not what I was going to say a-a-at all. (smiles nervously) <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mrs. Bird''': Since this is summer school, I thought we would start with some thematic poetry about summer. (the class looks around, confused) Oops, sorry. I mean, some rhymy words about the hot time. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zack''': Why is it so hot in here? :'''Carey''': Because it's summer school, which you have to go to for failing the eighth grade. :'''Zack''': Just English class. Besides, plenty of our greatest leaders failed the eighth grade. :'''Carey''': Like who? :'''Zack''': There was that Abe guy, with the beard and tall hat. He lived in Gettysburg and died at the movies. :'''Carey''': And, yet, you passed History. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zack''': Word, Bird. Hey, I'm a poet and I didn't know it. I can make a rhyme anytime. :'''Mrs. Bird''': Me, too. Did I mention you have detention. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mrs. Bird''': Zack, I don't understand. You were doing so well. What got into you? :'''Zack''': My underwear! And I didn't want it to happen again. :'''Carey''': (enters the classroom) Hey, Zack, let's go! :'''Mrs. Bird''': He's not going anywhere. Zachary has detention. :'''Carey''': Detention?!? Great, now I'm stuck here, too! (sits at a desk) Listen, young man, you had better not fail out of summer school. You're runnin' out of seasons. If you think that I am going... :'''Mrs. Bird''': SHHH!!! No talking! :(Carey makes a zipper motion to her lips) <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mrs. Bird''': I must admit, I am impressed by your test scores. :'''Brick''': Thanks, Zack. :'''Mark''': You're the best! :'''Haley''': ''[to Zack]'' I love you. :'''Mrs. Bird''': So I'll be making the tests a lot harder. :'''Brick''': I hate you, Zack. :'''Mark''': Yeah! You're the worst! :'''Haley''': I love you. ''[group stare]'' The heart wants what the heart wants. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carey''': Zack? :'''Zack''': Don't disrupt my class again or I'll give you detention! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mrs. Bird''': (reading a poem) "Two roads diverged in a yellow wood." Now, from the first line, can anyone tell me what season it is? :'''Brick''': Paprika? ===''Sink or Swim'' [#68]=== :'''Lance''': London, are you ready for your swimming lessons? :'''London''': Shh! Lower your voice. :'''Lance''': ''[deepens voice]'' London, are you ready for your swimming lessons? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lance''': ''[sees the pool inside London's suite]'' Wow, rich people have big bath-tubs. ===''Super Twins'' [#69]=== :'''Zack''': You know, this Weather Warrior game stinks! You can't win with the lame superpowers they give you. :'''Bob''': Not me. Captain Coldfront sneezes ''ice.'' I just snotted out half of Cityopolis! <hr width="50%"/> :'''London''': ''[thinking]'' Left, right, left, right, blink, breathe — ooh! Twinkly light bulb! ''[losing air]'' Breathe! Breath! ''[starts skipping]'' Skip, skip, skip. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cody''': (sees Arwin pushing something with a sign labeled "Nothing Evil Under Here) Does that sign look suspicious to you? :'''Zack''': I don't know. It went by so fast I couldn't read it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zack''': ''[racing up to Moseby, to stop his plan to turn all children into adults]'' I'm gonna take your machine! :'''Moseby''': No, you're not. :'''Zack''': Well, who's gonna stop me? :'''Arwin''' and '''Esteban''': ''[grabs Zack by the wrists]'' That would be us! ===''Who's the Boss?'' [#70]=== :'''Chelsea''': So,what does your mystery man Lance do? :'''London''': He uh, saves lives. :'''Tiffany''': Oh, he seems to be studying to be a doctor. :'''Chelsea''': [gasps] A plastic surgeon? :'''Lance''': ''[walks in]" Hi, sweetie!" :'''London''': Honey, I told you wear suit. :'''Lance''': I am wearing a suit. :'''London''': Not bathing suit, a dress suit, with pockets and other nice stuff. :'''Lance''': Well, it's got a little pocket, on the inside the for my key, and it's waterproof. ===''Baggage'' [#71]=== :'''Cody''': ''[complaining about a noisy party in the room above]'' Isn't that inconsiderate? :'''Zack''': Yeah, it sure is. They didn't invite me. :'''Cody''': You can't go! We need our sleep. We are finely tuned athletes in training. :'''Zack''': We put cans... in bags! :'''Cody''': But quickly! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Wayne''': ''[wearing Betsy Ross' dress]'' This dress is killing me. :'''Carey''': No, I think you're killing ''it.'' :'''Cody''': ''[also wearing Betsy Ross' dress]'' Do these stars make me look fat? :'''Carey''': I don't know. I'm still blind from looking at Wayne. <hr width="50%"/> :'''London''': Not so fast Lea. :'''Nia''': It's Nia. :'''London''': Whatever. Nia. Tia. Leah. Gia. Mia. Sia. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. Moseby''': Well your track record does speak for itself. :'''London''': Ooh. You were in track? I tried that once. But then they put little fences in front of me and I kept tripping. Plus, the other girls wouldn't wait for me. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carey''': Mr. Moseby, don't you have an all-access card that opens every door in this hotel? :'''Mr. Moseby''': Yes, but I'm afraid I left it at home. :'''Carey''': Here, use Zack's. ===''Sleepover Suite'' [#72]=== :'''London''': Zack! I can't sleep. I need my white noise machine. :'''Zack''': And you're telling me this because...? :'''London''': Sound like a tropical rain forest! :'''Zack''': ''[makes tropical sounds]'' :'''London''': Too apeman. Make wave sounds! :'''Zack''': Woosh! Woosh! :'''London''': More... French Riviera. :'''Zack''': ''Le woosh! Le crash!'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cody''': Zack, keep London in the bath. :'''Zack''': Great. I'll go grab my snorkel. :'''Cody''': Nice try, dork-el. ===''The Arwin that came to Dinner'' [#73]=== :'''Arwin''': Carey, wait. Aren't you gonna read a bedtime story? Mother always used to do that. :'''Zack''': Yeah, Mom used to do that with us, too. Then we turned six. :'''Arwin''': You're never too old for a classic. ''[takes out a book]'' :'''Carey''': ''The Little Engineer That Could.'' Ahh, let me guess. It's about a hotel engineer that thought he couldn't fix something and then he could. :'''Arwin''': You saw the movie! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carey''': Arwin, don't you want to take a break and... go home? :'''Arwin''': No, I should really stay and fix this. :'''Carey''': But it wasn't broken when you got here. :'''Arwin''': ''[yanks out cord from under sink]'' It is now! :'''Cody''': We should invite him to dinner. It'll make him feel better. :'''Carey''': Well I do have enough wheatloaf to go around. :'''Cody''': Wheatloaf? We want him to cheer up, not throw up. :'''Nia''': You know, London, I've been dumped before- :'''London''': Oh, there's a shock. But I'm not like you. I've never been the dumpee. I've always been the dumper. :'''Nia''': One more crack and you're gonna be in the dumpster. ===''Lip Synchin' in the Rain'' [#74]=== :'''Carey''': Here, sing this ''[plays C note on harmonica]'' ♪ Do re me fa so la ti doh ♪ :'''London''': How am I supposed to remember all that? :'''Carey''': Well... you could...uh, think of things that remind you of each note. ''[plays C note on harmonica]'' ♪ Do ♪ :'''London''': Ooh, that's easy! Dough means money! :'''Carey''': ♪ Re, me ♪ :'''London''': Ooh. Yay, me! ''[claps]'' :'''Carey''': ♪ Fa, so ♪ :'''London''': If something's far, I say "So?" because I have a private jet. :'''Carey''': ♪ La ♪ :'''London''': "Law" is something you get to break if you're rich. :'''Carey''': ♪ Ti ♪ :'''London''': My favorite ''vowel''! :'''Carey''': ♪ Do ♪ :'''London''': Yay! More money! :'''Carey''': 'Kay. Now let's try putting it all together. :'''London''': Dough! Yay, me! ''[claps]'' Far, So? Law, T ''[high-pitched and off-key]'' ♪ Dough! ♪ ''[glass on the table shatters]'' Mazel tov! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Director''': Okay, Maddie. Are you ready to [[w:High School Musical (soundtrack)|bop the top]]? Because remember: [[w:High School Musical (soundtrack)|we're all in this together]]. :'''Maddie''': Okay, you're [[w:Push It to the Limit|pushing it to the limit]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Moseby''': London, shall we get this dancing lesson started, I want you to get your money's worth. :'''Carey''': How much is she paying you? :'''Moseby''': Three diamonds an hour. :'''Carey''': I'm only getting two. I got robbed. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Maddie''': I never got a lead role when I went to Our Lady of Perpetual Sorrow. Every single Christmas, I was the wise man who brought myrhh! :'''Zack''': What is myrhh anyway? :'''Maddie''': I don't even know, okay? The point is, I want to get a part where I don't have to wear a beard. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cody''': (after Mr. Baine faints) Anyone have any smelling salts? :'''Zack''': I have an old gym sock in my locker. :'''Mr. Baine''': (wakes up) I'm alright. <hr width="50%"/> :'''London''': If I am as bad as they say then.... :'''Antonio''': Oh! You are! What you do is a capital crime in all 50 states and Puerto Rico. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Maddie''': Everyone says I look exactly like Sharpay. :'''Mr. Baine''': Really? I don't see it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Maddie''': I can't believe I'm an understudy. It's insulting. I might as well be a lousy stage hand. (Zack stares at her) No offense. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Antonio''': So we all agree that London stinks like a dead fish on a city bus. <hr width="50%"/> :'''London''': What are we going to do? :'''Mr. Blaine''': That's a good question. I got it. We'll do Singin In The Rain. :'''London''': We have to learn a whole new musical. I barely know this one. :'''Mr. Blaine''': We'll do what they did in the movie Singin In The Rain. (pointing to London) You sing while Maddie is behind the curtain doing the actual singing. :'''London''': That's a brilliant idea. :'''Maddie''': What's so brilliant about it? I do all the work and you get all the credit? :'''London''': Yeah that's the brilliant part. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Antonio''': I'm taking five. :'''London''': Oh me too. How much time do we have? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Antonio''': I will not risk my official reputation performing with (about London) that amateur. I have talent scouts coming to see me and London is bopping me right to the bottom. ===''First Day of High School'' [#75]=== :'''London''': Fill this with candy! Maddie asked me to send it to her. She's spending a semester with her Aunt Arctica. :'''Nia''': Antarctica is not a person. It's a continent. :'''London''': You mean, like ketchup and mustard? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mark''': I have to say, I prefer being a nerd. It's a lot more satisfying hitting the books instead of hitting someone right in the kisser! :'''Cody''': Mark, how many fights have you actually been in? :'''Mark''': Well, at least...none. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carey''': Hey, Mr. Moseby. Fancy meetin' you here. (to Zack) You? Not so fancy. Wow, here before lunch on the first day. I think that's a record. :'''Ms. Militich''': And you are...? :'''Carey''': I'm sorry. I'm Carey Martin. I'm Cody's mom. :'''Ms. Militich''': Oh, well, I called you about Zack. :'''Carey''': I know. I just like people to know I'm battin' 500. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zack''': Ah, Amber, it seems we have Biology class together. :'''Amber''': This is Chemistry. :'''Zack''': You feel it, too? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zack''': [to Cody] You're a dork, no offense. :'''Cody''': You know, just because you say "no offense" doesn't excuse the offensive remark that inevitably follows. :'''Zack''': Well, in that case, you're a dork. Offense intended. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bob''': Now that I'm in high school, I've decided to re-invent myself. I'm gonna be a jock. :'''Cody''': (laughs) Oh, you were serious? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nia''' [to Vance]: Why don't you pick on someone your own size? :'''Vance''': Like who? :'''Nia''': Like me! (kicks his leg) See, now we're the same height. <hr width="50%"/> :(After Nia kicks Vance, London is trying to decide on a color for her lounge) :'''London''': What do you think? Blue or yellow? :'''Nia''' [to Vance]: I'm sorry, let me give you a hand! (shoves Vance into a set of lockers and his face drops into the pan of blue paint) :'''London''': (picks up Vance's head for a closer look) Oh! Definitely blue! (drops his head back into the pan) <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nia''': This is terrible. Uncle Marion's gonna send me back to live with my mom. :'''Zack''': Can I come with you? Because after this, I won't be able to live with mine. :(London and a bunch of girls walk by) :'''Ellen''': London, let me go to your science class for you? :'''London''': Thanks, but you don't look like me. Lenny Woo is going :'''Ellen''': But he's a guy. :'''London''': I paid him extra to wear a dress. (Lenny stumbles around wearing a girl's outfit with high heels) :'''Nia''': I can't believe the princess is having a perfect first day. This stinks! :'''Zack''': That could be the garbage in my underpants. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zack''': Cody? You got sent to the principal's office? :'''Cody''': Not sent, invited! She likes to meet all of her honor students. :'''Zack''': It's the first day at school! :'''Cody''': I did some work over the summer. :'''Zack''': I hate you. :'''Cody''': I know. <hr width="50%"/> :(When Cody and London have been sent to the principal's office) :'''London''': The only bright side of my day is that Nia's miserable, too. :(Nia comes down the hall with the same group of girls London paid to be her friends) :'''Ellen''': We just think you're great, Nia. It's about time someone stood up to Vance. And I just know we're gonna be the best of friends. :'''Nia''': Aw, thanks, Ellen! (she gives London a look, as if to say "Mm-hmm") :'''London''': (gasps) I just realized if you buy your friends, they're not going to really like you for who you are. :'''Cody''': (mocking fascination) REALLY?!? Congratulations, London. You learned something on your first day of school. :'''London''': Yay, smart me! (claps her hands) <hr width="50%"/> :'''Vance''': Hey, Nia. :'''Nia''': Don't make me paint you again! :'''Vance''': Look, I don't wanna be a jerk anymore. :'''Nia''': (indifferently) What do you want to be? :'''Vance''': Your boyfriend. (looks shocked at what he said; Nia looks up) The way you stood up to me was awesome. And I think you're really cute. :(Nia giggles sheepishly) ===''Of Clocks and Contracts'' [#76]=== :'''Cody''': London, there isn't enough money in the world to make me do your project for you. :'''London''': Maybe not in ''your'' world; but in my world, I have enough money to ''buy'' your world. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cody''': Well, why don't you conduct an experiment that conducts the principles of gene splicing? :'''London''': Ooh, I can do that. I mean, I usually buy my jeans with holes already in them, but I can slice them myself. :'''Cody''': Argh. This is like talking to a potato... We'll make a potato clock. :'''London''': Why would a potato need to tell time? Ooh, I got it: so it knows when it's done! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zack''': [to Carey] Hey, Mom! I need your help. I got gum in my ear. :'''Mr. Moseby''': And nothing in your head. <hr width="50%"/> :'''London''': Cody, will you help me with my science project? The guy I used to use is all stuck up now that he won the Nobel Prize. :'''Cody''': A Nobel Prize winner tutored you? :'''London''': No, he just did the research and the writing. :'''Cody''': Sorry, London, I can't help you. I have a report due on Moby Dick. :'''London''': I'll pay you. :'''Cody''': The whale can wait! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nia''': [to Cody] You like listening to all that classical junk, right? :'''Cody''': If by "junk" you mean the music of Beethoven, Mozart and Bach, then yes. :'''Nia''': Look, if you help me, I can get my hands on Uncle Marion's symphony tickets to hear Yo-Yo Mama. :'''Cody''': You mean, Yo-Yo Ma?! :'''Nia''': Whatever. :'''Cody''': I'm your nerd! <hr width="50%"/> :'''London''': Cody? :'''Cody''': London? :'''London''': This is too hard! :'''Cody''': It's two wires, a potato and a clock. How much easier could it be? :'''London''': A lot... if you do it. :'''Cody''': London, I'm not going to do it. I have my own book report that I have to finish. :'''London''': If you finish this project for me, I'll write your book report for you. (London & Cody look at each other and then laugh) Seriously, finish the clock! <hr width="50%"/> :(London and Nia smile while wearing matching outfits with advertising music in the background) :'''London''': (like an advertiser) Everyone loves homemade French fries, but who has the time? :'''Nia''': (same tone of voice) I don't. I usually have to pay those crazy drive-thru prices! :'''London''': Well, not anymore! :(The girls unveil the Lightning Fry, which is their combined science projects that Cody helped them with) :'''London''': With the Lightning Fry Maker, you can have delicious fries in seconds! :(London places a lid on the tray of potatoes and activates the Lightning Fry; an explosion is heard, and London removes the lid, revealing a stack of French fries; Nia samples one) :'''Nia''': Mmm! Now that's a good fry! :'''London''': If you call right now, we'll include a 50-pound bag of potatoes absolutely free! :(London heaves a bag of potatoes, but falls backward because of the weight of the potatoes; Nia doesn't react) :'''Nia''': (quietly and quickly) $40 shipping and handling not included. :(London stands up) :'''London''': Hurry! They're selling like hot cakes! :'''Nia''': Don't you mean hot potatoes? :(London and Nia laugh and slap five) :'''London''': Seriously, call. You won't regret it! :'''Nia''': (quietly and quickly) Lightning Fry is not responsible for any injuries, accidents, or mutations that may occur while using this product. :(The girls smile and flash a thumbs up) ===''Arwinstein'' [#77]=== :'''Arwinstein''': Daaaaaa----Daaaaaaa :'''Cody''': Aww. He said his first word. :'''Zack''': Actually his first word was "Aaaargh!". But still Awwwwwww. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Arwinstein''': (exhausted) Ahhh! :'''Carey''': I know I know I gained a few pounds but I go jogging everyday. :'''Arwinstein''': Ahhh? :'''Carey''': Would you believe three times a week? :'''Arwinstein''': Ah? :'''Carey''': Okay, I went yesterday. :'''Arwinstein''': Ahhhhh! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zack''': Hey, Arwin! Break out your chainsaw. I need help carving my Zack-o-lantern. :'''Cody''': At least when you stick a candle in his head, he'll be bright. :'''Zack''': (laughs) Hey, wait a minute! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zack''': Arwin, there's something in the basement in your secret room! :'''Arwin''': (nervously) I don't know anything about a secret room. :'''Cody''': The one behind the bookcase! :'''Arwin''': I don't know anything about a bookcase. :'''Zack''': Arwin! :'''Arwin''': I don't know any Arwin. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Arwin''': Last year, I had a costume that scared the bejeebies out of the entire staff. :'''Moseby''': What'd you go as? :'''Arwin''': You! ===''Team Tipton'' [#78]=== :'''Arwin''': I love group hugs, especially with other people. <hr width="50%"> :'''Zack''': Sorry, but in my defense: I didn't know it was a bagpipe. I thought it was the new super octopus, the one with eight arms on. :'''Cody''': In my defense: I'm not Zack. <hr width="50%"> :'''Nia''': You must be Maddie. London's told me a lot about you. (shakes Maddie's hand) Your hair isn't that hideous! <hr width="50%"> :'''London''': (about Millicent) Moseby, Moseby, Nervous Maddie just passed out again! (about Nia) Cranky Maddie isn't at the counter! (sees Maddie; gasps) Hideous Hair Maddie, you're back! (hugs Maddie) :'''Maddie''': Suddenly I miss the frozen tundra. <hr width="50%"> :'''Cody''': (sniffs Zack's shirt) Cologne... fresh shirt? Wow, Maddie should come home from Antarctica more often. :'''Zack''': Yeah, well, my woman's back, and I'm ready to resume our relationship. :'''Cody''': You mean the one where you hit on her and she laughs? :'''Zack''': No. The one where she says, "You know, you look a lot like Zack, only older and a lot better looking." :'''Cody''': Clearly the cologne has gone to your head. <hr width="50%"> :'''Maddie''': [to Zack] There's a giant spider on your head! :'''Zack''': I feel the same- wha, wha, wha, wha? Ah, get it off! Get it off! (throws the spider in the box; running while rubbing his head) Mommy! Spider! (Maddie looks at spider in the box) :'''Maddie''': Shouldn't you tell him the spider's off his head? (Zack runs back) :'''Zack''': Ahhh! :'''Cody''': (to Maddie) Maybe later. <hr width="50%"> :'''Mr. Butteax''': Okay guys, we're going to do a simple exercise about trust, we are going do the classic fall back and catch technique. Now everyone pick a partner... :'''Arwin''': Ooh! Dibs on Carey, Ha ha I picked Carey, you've gotta be faster than that. :'''London''': I really don't trust any of these people so I'm just going to catch myself, here I go...(thumps, then gasps) I didn't catch myself. <hr width="50%"> :'''Arwin''': Come on, Millicent, there's no "I" in team. :'''Millicent''': There is in "injury." :'''Nia''': Look either we can lift you up with two fingers [makes a fist] or I can knock you down with five. [sweetly] Your choice :'''Millicent''': Lift away! :(Everyone then lifts Millicent up with two fingers) :'''Mr. Butteax''': You see what can you acheive when you all work together. :'''Millicent''': This is so exciting. I'm actually having fun!... Wee. <hr width="50%"> :'''Mr. Butteax''': Okay, people. The best way to understand a co-worker is by stepping into their shoes. :'''London''': But, I'm a dainty size 3, Maddie has the feet of Sasquatch! :'''Maddie''': He means we act like someone else to see their point of view. For example, I'll be you! (imitating London) Mint me, Candy Girl! Even though you're busy, forget the other customers because I'm more important! Yay me! (claps hands) :'''London''': (imitating Maddie) Sorry, London. I can't right now, because I have to tell you a boring story about one of my weird relatives. Do me a favor and pretend to listen, would you? While I go on, and on, and on wearing my really ugly clothes! :'''Nia''': (imitating Maddie) Oh, and let's not forget, since I'm back from saving the penguins, I want everyone to drop what they're doing and do it the way I want it! :'''Millicent''': (imitating Nia) And, I'm Nia. I can make you do anything I say because I'm tough and can crush you like a grape! (Nia gets mad at Millicent) I was talking about another Nia. :'''Nia''': Uh-huh. :'''Carey''': Ooh! I'll do Patrick! (imitating Patrick) Well, (fixes her hair) I suppose I could get you to finish dinner in time to see Carey Martin's show, but that would mean working hard. (everyone else gasps) :'''Arwin''': (thinking he is imitating Estaban) Mr. Moseby! Mr. Moseby! Can I take something that's working perfectly well and do some conveluded thing to it until it breaks? (laughs) :'''Carey''': Arwin, I don't think you're supposed to imitate yourself. :'''Arwin''': Oh, I thought I was doing Esteban. :'''Mr. Moseby''': No, no, no. Esteban is more like this. (imitating Esteban) Oh, Mr. Moseby! Oh, can I have a day-off? Because, my ''chicken'' has ''chicken'' pox, and I can't feed him ''chicken'' soup, 'cause he's a ''chicken''! Did I mention the fact that I have a ''chicken''? :'''Esteban''': (imitating Mr. Moseby) Oh, very well! Good luck with that! Oh, keep carrying those bags, Esteban, like a pack mule! While I sit in my office talking to my mommy! <hr width="50%"> :'''Mr. Moseby''': (imitating Esteban after all the lights go out) This is a disaster! :[The power goes out] :'''Esteban''': Oh, no! '''This''' is a disaster! <hr width="50%"> :'''Mr. Moseby''': People, people. Please, please. We are here to treat each other with respect and dignity. SO SHUT UP AND LISTEN! ===''Orchestra'' [#79]=== :'''Zack''': Is this band class? :'''Cody''': It's called an ''orchestra''! :'''Zack''': Looks more like a dork-estra. <hr width="50%"> :'''Moseby''': My job isn't yelling at people. :'''London''': So you just do it for fun? :'''Moseby''': ''NO''! <hr width="50%"> :(Mrs. Madigan screams when Zack arrives to orchestra practice) :'''Zack''': That's weird. My new math teacher said the same thing when I walked into his class. :'''Mrs. Madigan''': That's because there's a "Beware of Zack" poster in the teachers lounge. :'''Zack''': Actually, my stage name is Nasty Z, the Dark Prince of Awesome. <hr width="50%"> :'''Cody''': (to Barbara) You are my latka! :'''Barbara''': (confused) I'm your potato pancake? <hr width="50%"> :'''London''': You dinged? :'''Esteban''': No, you're supposed to say, "May I hep you?" :'''London''': May I what? :'''Esteban''': You know, hep! Hep, Hep. :'''London''': Hooray! :'''Moseby''': Less cheering, more bellhopping. <hr width="50%"> :'''Zack''': [to Cody] Dude, you're jealous of a rumor and I am not even sure that I heard it right :'''Cody''': (crying) Oh, great! Now I've ruined my life by dumping Barbara, (squeaky) I have NOTHING! :'''Carey''': You have a family that loves you. :'''Cody''': (still crying) I mean something that I care about! <hr width="50%"> :'''Barbara''': ''[in response to a rumor mill that was intended as a apology by Cody]'' You think I'm stupid and smell like a yak?! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Moseby''': London, maybe you should talk to your father and tell him the hotel business is not for you. :'''London''': But it is for me. The hotel is in my blood. :'''Grace''': Actually, our blood is in the hotel. ===''A Tale of Two Houses'' [#80]=== :'''Hector''': Esteban, I have great news. There has been a peaceful change of government in our country and your family's back in power! :'''Esteban''': You mean grandfather Geraldo Juan Carlos Diego Pepe Bombaro Lupe Abarto Esteban Julio Ricardo Montoya de la Rosa Ramirez has taken the throne again? :'''Hector''': No. The other one. :'''Esteban''': Oh, you mean Fred? <hr width="50%"> :'''Moseby''': London, the best thing for Esteban to do is keep that money in the bank. Save it for a rainy day. :'''Esteban''': Ooh. That ''is'' a good point. :'''London''': But if it's a rainy day, he can just take his helicopter to someplace dry. :'''Esteban''': Ooh. That is a good point, too. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kurt''': Sneaking girls in here without my permission is totally inappropriate. :'''Zack''': Well...Now that you're here, can we have your permission? :'''Kurt''': Oh, sure. Go on. Knock yourselves out...are you kidding?! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Moseby''': (after Esteban complains about the food) I'll tell our chef, forthwith. :'''London''': What? You fired Chef Paolo and hired someone named Forthwith?! (gasps and covers her mouth melodramatically, and Esteban does the same thing) :'''Moseby''': No..."Forthwith" is "presently." :'''London''': Well, I don't care if his name is "Presently" or "Forthwith"! Tell them both to fix it! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zack''': All right, let's see. We got jellybeans, cherry sodas and cheese product in a can. All the ingredients of romance. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Esteban''': I'm going to go to my apartment and think about this. :'''London''': You can't stay at that ratty little place. :'''Esteban''': How did you know I had a ratty little place? :'''London''': Well, compared to me, everyone has a ratty little place. <hr width="50%"/> :'''London''': Moseby, be a dear and take these to Esteban's room. And Moseby, be a moose and take these to mine. ===''Tiptonline'' [#81]=== :'''London''': ''[singing to tune of "London Bridge is Falling Down"]'' London Tipton's really great, really great, really great! London Tipton's really great. And she deserves the opposite of hate. Which is love! Everyone, sing along! <hr width="50%"> :'''Mr. Moesby''': I really should quit... I haven't slept in a fortnight. Plus, I just said fortnight! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carey''': Honey I assume you're getting addicted to this game. :'''Zack''': Oh please mom. I can stop anytime I want. :'''Carey''': Kay. How bout now? :'''Zack''': I said anytime I want. <hr width="50%"/> :'''London''': The Internet's broken. :'''Cody''': I doubt that. The Internet's a global network of fiber-optic backbones with file save access points and redundant router protocols. :'''London''': The Internet's broken. ===''Foiled Again'' [#82]=== :'''Mr. Moseby''': This never has a good answer, but what are you doing? :'''Cody''': Our science project. Zack and I have to find and identify microbes in our home environment! :'''Zack''': ''[on a couch reading a magazine]'' That’s right, so let the boy do our work. :'''Mr. Moseby''': Maybe you should work on leaving. <hr width="50%"> :'''Zack''': Did you know there are more germs on a telephone than a toilet seat? :'''Cody''': I used the phone today! And a toilet!! :'''Zack''': They’re gettin’ you from both ends. Oh! And you don’t even want to know about your pillowcase. :'''Cody''': What! What about my pillow case! :'''Zack''': It has a million little dust mites. Party over here, party over there, let’s all eat Cody’s hair! :'''Cody''': I gotta go shampoo! ''[runs out]'' :'''Carey''': Stop torturing your brother. :'''Zack''': Look who’s talkin’. You almost made liver. <hr width="50%"/> :'''London''': (about Diego) I'm gonna date him. :'''Maddie''': You can't date him. :'''London''': Why? :'''Maddie''': Because I'm gonna date him. :'''London''': Too late. We're gonna get married, buy a big villa, and live in Acapella. :'''Maddie''': People sing acapella. He lives in Acapulco. :'''London''': That's what my sweater's made out of. :'''Maddie''': That's alpaca! <hr width="50%"/> :'''London''': I am exhausted with a capital x. ===''Romancing the Phone'' [#83]=== :'''Maddie''': London, for the last time: a Thousand Dollar Bar does not cost $1000. :'''London''': Then Nia owes me a ''lot'' of change. <hr width="50%"> :'''Moseby''': Whoa, can you spell ''desperate?'' :'''London''': How many chances do I get? ===''Benchwarmers'' [#84]=== :''[A cheer.]'' :E = mc squared,<br>When your squad cheers, no one cares.<br>Elements, compound, acid, base.<br>When the geek squad cheers, we are up in your face.<br>Yay! Break it down. ===''Doin' Time in Suite 2330'' [#85]=== :'''London:''' You know what's gonna look good on ''my'' college application? A cheque for the new library! <hr width="50%"> :'''Maddie''' Okay. To win that award, we're gonna need someone famous. Someone huge. Someone no one has ever gotten before. :'''London:''' I know! Bigfoot! :'''Maddie:''' London, Bigfoot is a legend. :'''London:''' That's why he'd make such a great guest! :'''Maddie:''' No, no. I mean, he's a mythical creature. A figure of the imagination. A biological impossibility. :'''London:''' He can just borrow my huge pair of Italian loafers! He'll do it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carey''': (having just eaten a huge bag of pretzels) Wow, I'm thirsty. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carey''': (to Zack and Cody furiously) Oh that is it. You are beyond grounded. The next time you see sunlight, actually no. You're never gonna see sunlight again. Because by the time your punishment is over, the sun will have burnt out, collapsed into a black hole and the last remnants of mankind will be living on a rusty little spaceship as the cold silence of space slowly drives them MAAAAAAD!!! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carey''': Zack, what were you thinking?! :'''Zack''': Well you see-- :'''Carey''': I don't wanna hear it! Cody, what was going through your mind? :'''Cody''': It's just-- :'''Carey''': Zip it, mister! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Chris Brown''': I think she's halfway there. :'''Cheetah Girls''': (laugh) :'''Carey: I HEARD THAT!!! :'''Chris & Cheetah Girls''': (begin to cower) :'''Adrienne Bailon''': We're not laughing at you, we're laughing with you! :'''Kiely Williams''': Please don't ground us. :'''Sabrina Bryan''': We have a concert tonight. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cody''': I've got to get my job back. When is Mom going to leave? :'''Zack''': Don't worry. I'll handle it. (To Carey) Hey, Mom. When are you going to leave? ===''Let Us Entertain You'' [#86]=== :'''Zack''': Mom, you need vacation. And by "you", I mean "we". :'''Cody''': Let's go to the Pawtucket Aquarium! I hear they just opened their 'swim with the jellyfish' attraction. They won't sting you if you cover yourself in whale urine. :'''Zack''': I'd rather get stung! <hr width="50%"> :'''Carey''': Oh, stupid, snoring dog kept me up all night. :'''Zack''': Well, when it comes out of ''that'' end, it ain't called snoring. <hr width="50%"> :'''Carey''': ''[talking on phone when boys come in]'' Guess what, boys? We're going to see the world's largest ball of twine! But while we're there, no liquids. ===''Mr. Tipton Comes to Visit'' [#87]=== :'''London''': ''[gasps]'' Oh, no! Daddy's gonna fire me! :'''Maddie''': You don't work here, London. :'''London''': He's already done it? <hr width="50%"> :'''Moseby''': ''[to London]'' You never worked here. You never did work. You don't have to work. :'''London''': ''[relieved]'' Yay, me! <hr width="50%"> :'''Mr. Tipton''': Move back! I don't like to be crowded. :'''Mr. Moseby'''" Everybody, move back. Move back. ''[they bump back into the table causing the vase to break as Muriel suddenly appears]'' :'''Muriel''': I'm not cleaning that up! [[Category:American television seasons|Suite Life of Zack & Cody]] q5xpafd1104i3758uz3g5ures75rbde 0 195793 3153084 3152520 2022-08-10T01:46:45Z 162.197.99.132 /* The Answer */ wikitext text/x-wiki ---- :'''Seasons:''' [[Steven Universe (season 1)|1]] [[Steven Universe (season 2)|2]] [[Steven Universe (season 3)|3]] [[Steven Universe (season 4)|4]] [[Steven Universe (season 5)|5]] | [[Steven Universe: The Movie|Film]] | [[Steven Universe Future|Future]] | [[Steven Universe|Main]] ---- {{italic title}} The following is a list of quotes from the second season of ''[[Steven Universe]]''. === ''Full Disclosure'' === :'''Greg''': I saw the spaceship starting to leave and then it crashed and I came back and— ''[sees Steven's black eye]'' Ugh, your eye... But you're okay! I guess those jerks were no match for the Crystal Gems! :'''Steven''': No way! They were super strong! :'''Greg''': But you were able to beat them back? :'''Steven''': No, they totally stomped us! This warrior Jasper was super beefy and knocked me unconscious. Then they abducted me onto the ship because they wanted to take me away forever, and then we crashed the ship and I almost died! ''[Greg freaks out]'' :'''Greg''': W-What do they want with you?! :'''Steven''': They think I'm Mom. :'''Greg''': Ar-are more Homeworld Gems gonna come after you?! :'''Steven''': I— uhh... I don't know. Maybe? :'''Greg''': Steven, I'm supportive and very proud of you... and I'll be right back. ''[runs into his van]'' Gotta calm down. Where's my— ''[brings a series of CDs up front]'' Where's my relaxing music CD?! This one? ''[inserts CD; starts blaring loud metal music]'' Wrong one!! Stop!! Eject!! <hr width="50%"> :'''Ronaldo''': Oh! I see... You come up here to brood too! :'''Steven''': Brood? :'''Ronaldo''': Yes, Steven. That's just what people like us do. Suffer quietly, shouldering the knowledge no one else can bear. :'''Steven''': Hm. :'''Ronaldo''': As an aficionado of the weird yourself, you've probably noticed ordinary people fear the cold leaded anchor of the truth. The abyss is no Sunday swan ride. :'''Steven''': I know! My dad flipped out when I told him! :'''Ronaldo''': Sounds typical. But it's a good reminder. This is no easy path we've chosen here. There are... sacrifices. Look at them all down there, Steven. It's our duty to let those simple people live out their simple lives, without ever knowing the burden of being friends with us. :'''Steven''': At least we can be there for each other. :'''Ronaldo''': Is that giant hand from the sky sitting right in the middle of the beach?! I gotta get some of this for my blog! <hr width="50%"> :'''Amethyst''': Aw, come on! :'''Garnet''': No whining. We need to start cleaning up the debris. :'''Pearl''': Garnet's right. People are already coming back into town! :'''Steven''': We've got to keep them off the beach. If any humans got access to Gem technology, ''[shuts blinds]'' they could really hurt themselves. Maybe we should shut them out... for good. :'''Pearl''': You know... we did once have a fence. Let's get a new one—with barbed wire! :'''Amethyst''': This time, let's build a moat. I could be... ''[shapeshifts her head]'' the crocodi-i-ile!! Jazz hands! :'''Garnet''': No. :'''Amethyst''': Why not? :'''Pearl''': You always say you'll be the crocodile, but you never commit! :'''Garnet''': No fence either. :'''Amethyst/Pearl''': Garnet! :'''Garnet''': Steven needs to see his father and his friends. :'''Steven''': No, I don't! I can't keep clinging to the vestiges of my humanity. It's time I got serious. ''[his phone starts ring-toning again]'' Errh! :'''Pearl''': Steven, why is your communication device playing that song? :'''Steven''': It's Connie, trying to call me... but I can't face her anymore. :'''Pearl''': So... you're just going to ignore her forever? :'''Steven''': It's the responsible thing to do. :'''Amethyst''': ''[sees thru blinds]'' It's gonna be hard, 'cause she's coming up the steps right now. :'''Steven''': What?! === ''Open Book'' === === ''Joy Ride'' === :'''Steven''': Family stuff is tricky. :'''Buck, Sour Cream, and Jenny''': Mmhm. :'''Steven''': A few months back, my dad and the Gems grounded me from TV. :'''Buck, Sour Cream, and Jenny''': That's the worst. / Bummer. / No way! :'''Steven''': And then I found out that the Gems are alien rebels and that there are other Gems out in space that want us dead 'cause they think we're traitors. And they tried to take me hostage 'cause they think I'm my mom. And... maybe I kinda am? ''[sighs]'' I wish I could talk to Garnet, Amethyst and Pearl about it, but... I think they kinda blame me for my mom not being around. :''[Buck, Sour Cream and Jenny are in a state of shock for a beat. Jenny turns off the radio]'' :'''Jenny''': That's heavy. :'''Steven''': I guess. <hr width=50%> :'''Garnet''': Steven... you're ungrounded from TV. === ''[[w:Say Uncle (Steven Universe)|Say Uncle]]'' === :'''Steven''': What am I doing wrong? The Gems can all summon ''their'' weapons, why can't I? ''[desperately]'' Isn't there somebody who can help me?! <hr width="50%" /> :'''Steven''': Oh my gosh! Uncle Grandpa! You're really here, I can't believe it! I mean… I literally can't believe it. How is this even possible?! :'''Uncle Grandpa''': Don't worry, bro. None of this is canon. ''[pulls a real cannon out of Belly Bag]'' But this is! ''[launches his head like a cannonball with smoke trails spelling "APRIL FOOLS" and crashes into a ship with Lars and Sadie on it]'' :'''Lars''': Oh, no!! Our ship!! <hr width=50% /> :'''Amethyst''': Steven! :'''Pearl''': What's going on?! Who is this stranger? :'''Steven''': He's not a stranger, he's Uncle Grandpa! :''[Uncle Grandpa honks his nose]'' :'''Amethyst''': "Uncle… Grandpa"? :'''Pearl''': So that would make him Greg's brother… ''and'' father? :'''Garnet''': That would explain a lot. <hr width=50% /> :'''Pizza Steve''': Oh hey, it's just me, Pizza Steve—just the coolest and tastiest Steve who ever lived. :'''Steven''': Hi, Pizza Steve! I'm a Steve too! Steven Universe. :'''Pizza Steve''': ''Stee''-ven Universe... ''[pops out on top of Steven's hair]'' Come on, Uncle G. I've got two rules—no more than 40 or 50 vans, and only '''ONE''' Steve allowed! :'''Uncle Grandpa''': Yeah, but this Steven is special. :'''Mr. Gus''': Yeah. He's a Crystal Gem. :'''Uncle Grandpa''': Good mornin', Mr. Gus. :'''Mr. Gus''': What's up, Uncle Grandpa? :'''Steven''': Whoa, Mr. Gus! How do you know about me? :'''Mr. Gus''': I have a comprehensive knowledge of all magical denizens of the multiverse. I know ''ALL'' about the Crystal Gems. Come on, man, check this out. I even made my own Gemsona. ''[shows art of "Mr. Gusite"]'' My gem is on my tail, and my weapon is a fryin' pan. <hr width=50% /> :''[The Gems run frantically across the plot hole many times, stop for a breather]'' :'''Garnet''': There's got to be some way out of here. :'''Pearl''': ''[extremely panicked]'' WE'LL NEVER ESCAPE!! ''THIS'' IS OUR NEW ''HOME!!'' :'''Garnet''': Pearl, you're overreacting. :'''Pearl''': <big>'''I'M NOT OVERREACTING!!!'''</big> :''[Pearl runs around screaming until she crashes into Amethyst]'' :'''Amethyst''': Hey, where's Steven? ''[Pizza Steve walks in dressed like Steven]'' :'''Pizza Steve''': Lookin' for me, Pizza Steven Universe? ''[Pearl gasps, cowers behind Garnet]'' :'''Pearl''': That's not my baby! :'''Amethyst''': Ah, nice! ''[eyes on Pizza Steve]'' :'''Pizza Steve''': Whoa, hold on! :'''Amethyst''': ''Pizzaaaaaa!!'' ''[chases Pizza Steve offscreen]'' :'''Pizza Steve''': Don't eat Pizza Steve! ''[munching noises]'' :''[Amethyst walks back on, putting on Pizza Steve's sunglasses from out of her mouth]'' :'''Garnet''': Okay, I'm ready for this episode to end. :''[She stomps, causing the plot hole to crack and shatter, leaving them back at the beach]'' <hr width=50% /> :'''Steven''': ''[after finally summoning his shield; to Uncle Grandpa]'' I did it, Uncle Grandpa! I really did it! :'''Uncle Grandpa''': Yay. :'''Pearl''': Protecting HIM activated Steven's powers?! :'''Garnet''': He must really care about this stranger. :'''Amethyst''': I hope he didn't care about that pizza. :'''Steven''': Listen! It was a big, weird surprise when Uncle Grandpa showed up here today. We've never met anyone like Uncle Grandpa, but you can't just attack people you don't understand. You have to stick up for them, and listen to what they have to say. You guys always do that for me. :'''Pearl''': ''[blushing with tears in her eyes, feeling guilty and sorry]'' Steven, you're right. ''[cries]'' HOW CAN I BE SO BLIND?! I'M SORRY! :'''Amethyst''': I also apologize for Pearl. :'''Garnet''': Thank you, you taught us a valuable lesson, Uncle Grandpa. <hr width=50% /> :'''Uncle Grandpa''': Boy, that sure makes my eyes hurt. Now let's see here... ''[grabs a checklist revealing several other Cartoon Network protagonists]'' Dexter, Dee-dee, Blossom, Bubbles, Buttercup, Ed, Edd, Eddy, Billy, Mandy, Mac, Juniper Lee, Swat Kats, Flapjack, Finn, Oh! Steven! ''[checks off Steven's name]'' Now who's next? ''[Clarence's name is shown at the bottom of the list]'' === ''Story for Steven'' === === ''Shirt Club '' === :''[Steven rushes to the Beach House]'' :'''Steven''': Garnet! Amethyst! Pearl! :'''Garnet''': Steven! :'''Pearl''': What is it?! :'''Amethyst''': Whoa, where's the fire? :'''Steven''': It's an emergency! You have to help me take down all the shirts and stop Buck from making more! :'''Pearl''': Have the shirts come to life and and possessed the bodies of their wearers?! :'''Steven''': Uh, no! They just— :'''Amethyst''': Are people catching on fire when they put on the magic shirts? :'''Steven''': No! No, they're just— :'''Pearl''': Are the shirts destroying the wearer's will to continue on in this mortal coil, thereby shutting down Beach City!?! :'''Steven''': ''NOOOOO''!!! They're— they're just... using my art in a way I don't agree with. :'''Pearl''': Oh. ''[all Gems sit down]'' :'''Garnet''': Ah, we'll pass. :'''Steven''': What?! But— but I really need your help! :'''Pearl''': Steven, this sounds like a very abstract problem. :'''Amethyst''': It's not something we can ''punch''! :'''Garnet''': You must learn to help yourself. That's how you become stronger. ''[shades sparkle]'' :'''Amethyst/Pearl''': Good point, good point. / Oh, absolutely. :'''Steven''': But..! :'''Amethyst''': You figure something ''out'', Steven! :'''Pearl''': Yes! Why not dust off those conflict resolution skills? :'''Garnet''': Let your problem be known, then you can work towards an understanding. :'''Steven''': Oh... I'll make them understand. I'll make them all understand... ''[leaves]'' :'''Amethyst''': Eh, he'll be fine. === ''Love Letters'' === :''[Steven and Connie meet Jamie sitting on a log in the beach]'' :'''Steven''': Jamie! :'''Jamie''': Oh, hey, Connie and Steven. You guys come out here to stare at the ocean and think about life too? :'''Connie''': Uhh, no...? We came to, uh— :'''Jamie''': Yeah, life is crazy. One day, you're right here in Beach City delivering mail and then the next thing you know... you're on a bus to Kansas, following your dreams of becoming an actor. "Follow your dreams," they said. But no one said anything about all the rejection and sadness there was to be found. So many auditions day after day... So much rejection day after day... That's why I came back. ''[two seagulls crash into each other and fall into the sea]'' One more rejection would have destroyed my fragile heart. ''[sobs, chuckles]'' Sorry... sometimes I get caught up in the drama zone, you know? :'''Steven''': Yeah, right... Drama zone. :'''Connie''': Oh, by the way, we have something for yo— :'''Steven''': No, we don't! <hr width=50%> :'''Garnet''': I didn't mean to upset you. :'''Jamie''': Then will you go out with me? :'''Garnet''': No! :'''Jamie''': But I've loved you since the moment I saw you. :'''Garnet''': Love at first sight doesn't exist. Love takes time and love takes work. At the very least, you have to know the other person. And you literally have no idea who or what I am. ''[shades glimmer]'' :'''Jamie''': But I bloom for you like— like a... camellia... under moonlight? :'''Garnet''': No, you don't! ''[long beat]'' You make a very convincing lovesick fool. You convinced these children. ''[adjusts her shades]'' You even convinced yourself. ''[smiling]'' You're a fantastic actor. :'''Jamie''': ''[beat]'' ..What am I supposed to do now? :'''Garnet''': Start with local theater. ''[slaps Jamie's back, then walks away. Connie and Steven walk closer to him]'' :'''Connie''': Are you okay? :'''Jamie''': Yeah. That was some pretty solid advice. :'''Steven''': Were those more letters you wrote to Garnet? :'''Jamie''': No. That was the mail I was supposed to deliver on my last route. :'''Steven''': ''[beat]'' We'll help you pick it all up. :'''Jamie''': Thanks. === ''Reformed'' === :'''Garnet''': This is not a good choice for your form. :'''Amethyst''': Lighten up, Garnet. Can't you take a joke? :'''Garnet''': It's not funny. You've made yourself ridiculous. :'''Amethyst''': <big>'''''RIDICULOUS?!?!'''''</big> :'''Garnet''': Keep your voice down! The creature... :'''Amethyst''': Hrrr... You wanted me to be more like Pearl, and now I am!! :'''Garnet''': ''[low voice]'' Pearl would've taken her regeneration seriously! :'''Amethyst''': WHAT DO YOU CARE!?! MY FORM IS '''''MY'' BUSINESS!!''' :'''Garnet''': It's my business when it affects the strength of the team!! :'''Amethyst''': ..So what?! I'm not strong enough?! ''[gets dragged by the Slinker]'' :'''Steven''': Amethyst! :'''Amethyst''': '''ARE YOU SAYING... <big>I'M ''WEAK''</big>?!?!''' ''[poofs again; Steven catches her gemstone]'' :'''Steven''': Is it weird I'm getting numbed to this? === ''[[w:Sworn to the Sword|Sworn to the Sword]]'' === :'''Connie''': ''[fights off seagulls with her violin bow]'' Run back to your masters! Tell them we're not afraid of your kind! :'''Steven''': ''[chuckles]'' Thanks for saving my jam snack. Unfortunately, it's not safe from me. ''[munches it]'' You're such a good sword fighter, Connie. :'''Connie''': Really? I was just swinging this thing around. I don't really know what I'm doing, but I'd love to learn how to use a real sword! :'''Steven''': Oh! ''[gulps snack; starry eyes]'' Steven has an idea! :''[back at the Beach House]'' :'''Pearl''': You want me to do ''what''?! :'''Steven''': You should teach Connie to sword fight, she's already so good! :'''Connie''': Steven! :'''Steven''': But you are! Y-You helped me fight the robot floaty-thing, she took down that evil clone of herself, uh... those mean seagulls just now? :'''Pearl''': You're awfully young to begin something like this. But I suppose I was only a few thousand years old when I began fighting alongside Rose Quartz. ''[Connie raises her hand]'' Yes, Connie? :'''Connie''': Please! I want to learn! I mean, I don't know what'll happen in the future. But if something dangerous comes along... I don't wanna be a burden, I wanna help! I want to be there for Steven to fight by his side! The Earth is my home too. Can't I help protect it? ''[Pearl starts watering tears of joy]'' :'''Pearl''': Oh... okay... If that's how you feel... we should get started! :'''Steven''': Woo-hoo! ''[runs after her laughing]'' :'''Connie''': Wait, now? <hr width=50%> :'''Pearl''': All right, everything begins with your stance. Remember: :''[singing] You do it for him, and you would do it again'' :''You do it for her, that is to say, you'll do it for him.'' :''Keep your stance wide, keep your body lowered'' :''As you're moving forward, balance is the key'' :''Right foot, left foot, now go even faster'' :''And as you're moving backwards, keep your eyes on me.'' :'''Connie''': ''Keep my stance wide'' ("Good.") :''Keep my body lowered'' ("Right.") :''As I'm moving forward'' :'''Pearl''': ''Concentrate! Don't you want him to live?!'' :'''Connie''': ''Right foot, left foot'' :'''Pearl''': ''Yes, but put your whole body into it!'' :''Everything you have, everything you are'' :''You've got to give.'' :''On the battlefield, when everything is chaos'' :''And you have nothing but the way you feel, your strategy and a sword'' :''You just think about the life you'll have together after the war'' :''And then you do it for her, that's how you know you can win'' :''You do it for her, that is to say, you'll do it for him.'' <hr width=25%> :''Deep down, you know you weren't built for fighting'' :''But that doesn't mean you're not prepared to try'' :''What they don't know is your real advantage'' :''When you live for someone, you're prepared to die.'' :'''Connie''': ''Deep down, I know that I'm just a human'' ("True.") :'''Both''': ''But I/you know that I/you can draw my/your sword and fight'' :'''Connie''': ''With my short existence,'' ("Good.") ''I can make a difference'' ("Yes, excellent!") :''I can be there for him, I can be his knight.'' :'''Connie''': ''I can do it for him'' :'''Both''': ''You'd do it for her'' :'''Pearl''': ''Okay, now do that again'' ("Yes, ma'am.") :''You do it for her, and now you say'' :'''Connie''': ''I'll do it for him.'' <hr width=50%> :'''Amethyst''': ''[belly laughs]'' Wow, Garnet! That is the funniest thing I've ever heard! :'''Garnet''': Garnet, master of comedy. :'''Amethyst''': Hehehe... Yo, Steven. ''[pretend-yells]'' '''WHY ARE YOU STANDING THERE ALL SAD LIKE THAT?!?!''' :'''Steven''': W-well... Connie is taking sword fighting lessons from Pearl, but I think it's getting a little too serious. She wants Connie to do all this dangerous stuff for me. :'''Garnet''': That makes sense. :'''Steven''': What do you mean? :'''Garnet''': Back during the war, Pearl took pride in risking her destruction for your mother. She put Rose Quartz over everything — over logic, over consequence, over her own life. :''[Pearl and Rose switch to Connie and Steven, respectively. She charges at the enemy before cutting to Steven's horrified face]'' :'''Amethyst''': You okay, dude? :'''Steven''': I have to do something!! Thanks for telling me that, bye!! === ''Rising Tides, Crashing Skies'' === :'''RonaIdo''': I am now going to attempt to make contact with the mysterious, reclusive, ''[Steven comes out]'' and—ahh! :'''Steven''': Hi, Ronaldo! Uh, hi, Peedee. Is that a camera? :'''Peedee''': Yeah. We're making a movie about— :'''RonaIdo''': It's an investigative report, shot ''[[w:cinéma vérité|camera vérité]]''. :'''Steven''': Cool! :'''RonaIdo''': So... you wanna participate in a groundbreaking interview? :'''Steven''': Hmm. Only if ''you'' participate in a glass of fresh-squeezed lemonade! ''[walks back inside]'' :''[cue Ronaldo and Steven in the Beach House]'' :'''Steven''': Ohh, that giant hand? It was a spaceship coming to get us. :'''RonaIdo''': Us?! I knew it! Steven, we know too much! :'''Steven''': No, not "us" us. I-I meant me and the Crystal Gems. :'''RonaIdo''': Wait. So the hand wasn't here to snatch up humans for a human zoo? Or interfere with our subsidized Beach City wind farm?! Or thaw the cryogenically frozen pets of the one percent!?! :'''Steven''': Uh... no, I'm pretty sure it came to Beach City for me and the Crystal Gems. :'''RonaIdo''': Oh. So, if you and the Crystal Gems weren't here, we wouldn't have been attacked by the giant hand? :'''Steven''': Ohh-hoh-hoh! Definitely not. === ''Keeping It Together'' === :'''Pearl''': Garnet, you don't think Peridot would come looking for us, do you? :'''Garnet''': We weren't her priority. She was sent here to do something in the Kindergarten. :'''Pearl''': Do you think she's still going to try to reactivate it? :'''Garnet''': Mm. If she gets it back up and running, the Injectors will turn back on. :'''Steven''': Injectors? What're those? :'''Pearl''': You've already seen them. ''[projects hologram from her gemstone]'' Well, you've seen them disabled. If Peridot reactivates them, they'll pick right up where they left off, planting gems in the crust of the Earth, where they'll incubate and suck the life right out of the ground. We can't let Peridot restart Gem production here. If we do... ''[sighs]'' the entire planet will become… :'''Garnet''': Janked. :'''Amethyst''': Garnet! ''[laughs]'' That mouth! ''[sniggers]'' :'''Garnet''': Don't worry. We'll stop her. <hr width=50% /> :'''Steven''': We did it! Garnet? :'''Garnet/Ruby'''! So ''this'' is what Homeworld thinks of fusion! :'''Garnet/Sapphire''': We couldn't have known they would do this. :'''Garnet/Ruby''': ''This'' is where they've been…all the ones we couldn't find… they've been here the whole time! :'''Garnet/Sapphire''': Rose couldn't have known. :'''Garnet/Ruby''': This is punishment for the rebellion! :'''Garnet/Sapphire''': ''[breaking down]'' It's not our fault! :'''Steven''': Garnet! :'''Garnet''': S-Steven. :'''Amethyst''': ''[sliding down with Pearl]'' Yo! We're back. :'''Pearl''': Garnet, we lost Peridot. Her fingers were too fast for us. ''[two fused hands climb up on Amethyst and grabs them]'' Um… what are these things? :'''Garnet''': PUT THEM DOWN! :'''Steven''': Uh! :'''Pearl''': Wha...? ''[throws the hands away]'' :'''Garnet''': We need to poof and bubble all of them. We can't let any escape. ''[She poofs the hands as the screen turns black]'' <hr width=50% /> :'''Garnet''': What Homeworld did… taking the shattered parts of fallen Gems and combining them—those Gems weren't asked permission. Fusion is a choice. Those Gems weren't given a choice. It isn't right. It isn't fusion! <hr width=50% /> :''[Steven looks at Garnet as he takes the clothes out the dryer into the basket]'' :'''Steven''': What's it like... being a fusion? :'''Garnet''': You fused. :'''Steven''': I mean, like, all the time. Do you forget who you used to be? :'''Garnet''': You forget you were ever alone. You know when you fuse, you don't feel like two people. You feel like one being. And your old names might as well be names for your left arm, and your right. :'''Steven''': When you split up, is it like you disappear? :'''Garnet''': I embody my— I mean, Ruby and Sapphire's love. I always exist in them, even if I split apart. But the strength of that love keeps me together, so I can stay Garnet for a very long time. :'''Steven''': That's why you're so great! :'''Garnet''': ''[smiles]'' Ha. ''[Steven starts laughing, with a light blue colored sock being blown away]'' :'''Steven''': Oh, no! ''[Garnet catches it]'' :'''Garnet''': Don't wanna break up a pair. :'''Steven''': ''[holds peach colored sock]'' Yeah, you're right. ''[Garnet folds socks into basket]'' They belong together. === ''We Need to Talk'' === :''[Greg re-watches Pearl and Rose's fusion dance, practices and falls down]'' :'''Greg''': Ah, geez! How'd she get her legs to do that? ''[groans]'' :'''Amethyst''': Hey! ''[looks at face-to-face with Garnet]'' Are you dead? :'''Greg''': Wha? Uh, no, no. I'm alive. :'''Amethyst''': Whoa, cool! ''[jumps over Greg, runs to the TV]'' It's us from before! :'''Greg''': Yeah, I was just... trying to get my head around this fusion dance. :'''Amethyst''': A fusion dance ain't about your head! ''[laughs out loud]'' :'''Greg''': Wait... you guys are Gems. You gotta help me out here. I need to be able to fuse with Rose! :'''Garnet''': First, you need a gem at the core of your being. Then you need a body that can turn into light. Then you need the partner who you trust with that light. :'''Greg''': Metaphorically? :'''Garnet''': Literally. :'''Amethyst''': ''[whispers]'' Shh! Come on! I still wanna see him try! :'''Greg''': Ugh, so it's true. I really can't do it. ''[touches his face]'' I'm kidding myself with this! I'm never gonna be a Gem... ''[Garnet looks down and picks up a twig]'' :'''Garnet''': Amethyst... give us some privacy! ''[throws it far away]'' :'''Amethyst''': YEAH!! ''[scampers after it]'' :'''Garnet''': Let me tell you something, Mr. Universe. I think you can do it, but it won't work if you dance like Pearl. You have to dance like you. You have to fuse ''your'' way. Get open. Get honest. Invent yourselves together. ''[lowers her shades and winks left of her three eyes]'' That's fusion. :'''Greg''': EYE—think I get it. === ''Chille Tid'' === :'''Steven''': "Sleep is a curse, and yet a curse I need to live"—Steven Universe. ---- :'''Garnet''': Let me show you how it's done. ''(She falls over, stiff as a board)'' :'''Pearl''': That's pretty convincing. ---- :'''Steven''': Lapis! :'''Lapiz Lazuli''': No. I'm ''not'' Lapis anymore. We're Malachite now. === ''[[w:Cry for Help (Steven Universe)|Cry for Help]]'' === :'''Garnet''': It's as I feared. :''[The Communication Hub is glowing and shooting a beam of light towards the sky]'' :'''Pearl''': It looks like Peridot somehow repaired the Communication Hub. Well, at least some of it. :'''Steven''': So... we just gotta wreck it up again, right? (''to Amethyst'') You guys should form Sugilite! :'''Amethyst''': (''smiling a bit'') Yeah... Well, it's up to Garnet, I guess. (''smiling widely, to Garnet'') What do you say? ''[Pearl looks scared in the background]'' Shall we mash it up?... :'''Garnet''': No. :'''Amethyst''': But, don't we need to be huge like last time? :'''Garnet''': Last time was a disaster. Last time we fused, Sugilite went berserk. It's because of her that we can't even warp here anymore. (''takes off her visor'') I can be brash, you can be reckless. And we can both get carried away. So, for the time being, ''[She puts her visor back on and Amethyst's reflection can be seen in them]'' Sugilite is benched. What we need now is to be careful. ''[Steven gasps]'' It's you and me, Pearl. Let's fuse. ''[Pearl looks astonished as she begins to tear up]'' Don't cry, Pearl. ''[Pearl tries to not cry and quivers as she strongly breathes in through her nose, sniffling thickly]'' Come on, let's do this. :'''Pearl''': I'm right behind you. (''sniffling'') :'''Steven''': (''running towards them'') Woo-hoo! Fusion! Fusion! Fusion! Fusion! *sits to the left of Lion* (''Amethyst walks over'') :'''Garnet''': (''gemstones glow'') Ready. :'''Pearl''': (''grunts; stretches'') Hang on, it's been such a long time. ---- :'''Sardonyx''': Gooooood evening, everybody! (''struts over to Lion, Steven, and Amethyst and does a twirl'') This is the lovely Sardonyx! Coming to you ''a-live'' from the soon-to-be-former Communication Hub! How are y'all doin' tonight? :'''Amethyst''': (''sarcastically'') Great... :'''Steven''': (''gasps'') Giant woman! ---- :'''Amethyst''': ''Maybe you're better off with her / I think she's better for you / I forgot how great it felt to be us / Guess I got carried away. / I had to use you to make me feel strong / But I don't care about that now / I see a tower built out of my mistakes / And it all comes crashing down. / Is there something I can doo-oo / Is there something I can doo-oo-oo / Is there something I can doo-oo / Can I make it up to you?'' ---- :'''Amethyst''': Stop! :'''Pearl''': Is something the matter, Amethyst? :'''Amethyst''': You... you shouldn't. :'''Steven''': Pearl, we saw you. :'''Pearl''': (''shocked'') What? :'''Steven''': You need to tell Garnet it was you! :'''Garnet''': I don't understand. :'''Pearl''': I'm sorry. It's just... so much fun being Sardonyx with you. :'''Garnet''': ''[drops Pearl to the ground]'' ''That's'' why I couldn't see us finding Peridot. :'''Pearl''': Wait, let me explain! :'''Garnet''': You've been fixing the hub! :'''Pearl''': It really was Peridot! The first time. :'''Garnet''': You ''tricked'' me! :'''Pearl''': No! No, no, no, no! We just needed a reason to fuse! I just wanted to share a few more victories with you! :'''Garnet''': Those weren't ''victories''! :'''Amethyst''': Wait, Garnet! You know, we're so much weaker than you! Fusing with you is like our one chance to feel... ''stronger''! :'''Garnet''': Don't defend her! Peridot is out there somewhere and Pearl's been distracting us with... ''nothing''! :'''Pearl''': Garnet... :'''Garnet''': ''[angrily points at her]'' That's enough! ''[to Amethyst]'' Amethyst, fuse with me! :'''Amethyst''': But-! :'''Garnet''': (''clenching her fist'') Let's just get this over with. === ''Keystone Motel'' === :'''Steven''': Pearl! Where have you been?! :'''Pearl''': Looking for Peridot… For a few days straight. Steven, I know I might have… disappointed all of you. I know Garnet's very upset with me. But I'm going to prove to her that she can trust me again. ''[Garnet walks in through the front door]'' Oh! Garnet! I was just looking for Peridot! She's bound to be somewhere, right? Any new ideas? ''[Garnet says nothing and walks past her]'' I'm sorry ---- :'''Garnet''': ''[agitated, panting]'' Calm down... I don't feel like forgiving Pearl!... You don't understand, you must... If you're not going to listen, then you can just GO! ''[splits into Ruby and Sapphire]'' :'''Sapphire''': ''[calmly]'' We must move past this, Ruby. :'''Ruby''': ''[furiously]'' She ''lied'' to us so we'd form Sardonyx! She ''tricked'' us! Don't you feel used?! :'''Sapphire''': You're choosing to take it personally. :'''Ruby''': IT'S ''FUSION'', SAPPHIRE! WHAT'S MORE PERSONAL TO US THAN ''FUSION?!'' :'''Sapphire''': I know you're still upset... :'''Ruby''': Oh, so it's just me?! :'''Sapphire''': Of course not. Can't you see I'm completely engulfed with rage? :'''Ruby''': Well, it doesn't feel like it! :'''Sapphire''': The sooner we forgive Pearl, the better it will be for us all. :'''Ruby''': YOU'RE NOT AS ABOVE THIS AS YOU THINK YOU ARE! ---- :'''Sapphire''': ''[about Ruby, while she shakes the table]'' This will pass. She'll eventually just burn herself out. :'''Ruby''': ''[angrily]'' THAT'S WHAT ''YOU'' THINK! '''I AM AN ETERNAL FLAME, BABY!''' ''[flips the table]'' :''[while Greg talks to Steven, arguing with each other simultaneously]'' :'''Ruby''': You don't know me! :'''Sapphire''': How could I possibly not know you? We always fuse! We always fuse, what are you even going on about fusion? :'''Ruby''': Look at you! ''[laughing]'' You don't even know yourself! Ha! :'''Sapphire''': So don't act so ridiculous. :'''Ruby''': ''I'm'' ridiculous?! :'''Sapphire''': Yes, yes. ---- :'''Steven''': I was so happy when Garnet said she wanted to go on this trip with me and Dad! Home's been awful! Here's been awful! I thought you wanted to have a fun time, but everyone's been acting awful too! It... it just came with us! I don't understand! Is it... is it me? :'''Ruby''': ...No! Steven, it's all us! :'''Sapphire''': But we made him feel like it was his fault... I keep looking into the future, when all of this has already been solved, as if it doesn't matter how you feel in the present! ''[starting to cry]'' No wonder you think I don't care...! :'''Ruby''': Sapphire... No, nonononono! This is all my fault, I... I didn't want to look for a solution, I... I just wanted to be mad! You're right! You're always right! I was being stupid! :'''Sapphire''': I don't think you're stupid! :'''Ruby''': I'm... sorry. ''[gently brushes Sapphire's hair aside, revealing her sad eye]'' :'''Sapphire''': You honestly think I'm not upset about what happened? I was just... trying to do the right thing. :'''Ruby''': I know... ''[starts smiling]'' You know what's nice about being split up? :'''Sapphire''': What? :'''Ruby''': I get to look at you... :'''Sapphire''': ''[pushes her off, laughing]'' Be serious! :'''Ruby''': ''[hugs Sapphire]'' There's my Laughy Sapphy! :'''Sapphire''': Shh! You're embarrassing me in front of Steven! ''[cut to Steven, feeling awkward at the scene]'' === ''Historical Friction'' === :'''Steven''': Hey, Pearl! ''[sees a desolate Pearl sitting on the couch, looking at the ceiling]'' Pearl? :'''Pearl''': ''[jumps up]'' Steven! You're back! :'''Steven''': Yeah... ''[sits down]'' Show business is rough. :'''Pearl''': Is there something I can help you with? :'''Steven''': Not unless you can make William Dewey interesting. :'''Pearl''': How do ''you'' know William Dewey? :'''Steven''': I'm gonna be him in this play! But he's totally boring! He's perfect and he never makes mistakes. :'''Pearl''': ''[sigh]'' Wish I could say the same for myself. :'''Steven''': Yeah, but nobody's like that! Everybody gets stuff wrong, and then you have to keep going and it's hard, which is why it's great when you never stop trying! :'''Pearl''': ..When did you get so smart? === ''Friend Ship'' === :''[Steven and the Gems enter a room in the ship. Peridot appears on a projected screen]'' :'''Peridot''': ''[laughs]'' You Gems really are as dull as dirt! :'''Pearl''': You're the dull one if you thing you can fly this wreck! :'''Peridot''': ''[pauses]'' What? Can you speak louder? Some of these communicators are gunked up. :'''Steven''': ''[cleans off a microphone, speaks into it]'' Pearl says ''you're'' the dull one if you think you can fly this wreck! :'''Peridot''': ''[waits for Steven's response to come through] [laughs]'' Fly? I'm not using this vessel to fly. I'm using it to '''''TRAP YOU!''''' ''[a door closes, trapping Steven and the Gems in the room]'' Isn't this nice? No more Crystal Gems running around, messing with my plans, destroying my things. Looks like I've got you just where I want you. How does it feel to be so easily outsmarted, you '''''CLODS?!''''' :'''Pearl''': No... :'''Amethyst''': ''[speaks into the microphone]'' Hey, uh, this is Amethyst. I don't appreciate being called a clod, you clo- :'''Peridot''': Enough talk! Prepare yourselves for annihilation! ''[dramatically hits a button]'' Hiyah! ''[nothing happens, hits it again]'' Hiyah! :''[the room's laser cannons activate and take aim at Steven and the Gems]'' :'''Peridot''': It works! Yes! '''''DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIIIIE!''''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Garnet''': Pearl, stop. That isn't helping. :'''Pearl''': I have to do something. I can't believe I walked us right into Peridot's trap. This is all my… ''[Peridot's hologram disappears as the ground starts to shake]'' fault? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Pearl''': ''[thru screen]'' Garnet… I'm sorry! :'''Amethyst''': Wait a sec! :'''Pearl''': Things weren't supposed to turn out this way... ''[inside, Garnet punches the wall again]'' :'''Garnet''': We'll get outta here somehow. :'''Pearl''': ''[sighs]'' That's not what I mean! I really wanted to catch Peridot to make up for what I did... ''[Garnet withdraws her gauntlets]'' I wanted to prove to you that... that everything could go back to normal... :'''Garnet''': Catching Peridot won't make things go back to normal. ''[thru screen]'' This isn't about Peridot. :'''Amethyst''': Hey... they're actually talking! :'''Steven''': Now they can finally work things out! :''[soon, the gears start to activate and turn and start closing into the trapped two]'' :'''Amethyst''': Not if they get crushed! :''[both Garnet and Pearl push their unflinching sides]'' :'''Pearl''': Please! Tell me! How can I make you forgive me?! :'''Garnet''': You can't! You lied to me! You need to learn that there are consequences to your actions! :'''Pearl''': I'm sorry! I... I couldn't help myself! :'''Garnet''': ''[kicks opposite side of wall next to Pearl]'' I don't want to hear your excuses! :'''Pearl''': But it's true! No matter how hard I try to be strong like you, I'm just a Pearl. I'm useless on my own. ''[cries]'' I need someone to tell me what to do. :''[the walls suddenly stop moving; Both Amethyst and Steven pull her whip on its gears in its place. Garnet and Pearl pause for a beat]'' :'''Pearl''': When we fuse, I can feel what it's like to be you. Confident and secure, and complete. You're perfect. You're the perfect relationship. You're always together, I just... I wanted to be a part of that. :'''Garnet''': You're wrong! I'm not as strong as you think. I fell apart over this. Ruby and Sapphire were in turmoil over how you deceived me. ''[thru screen]'' I came undone. :'''Amethyst''': Whoa, that really happened? :'''Steven''': ''[nods]'' Hm. :'''Garnet''': It's not easy being in control. I have weaknesses too, but I choose not to let them consume me. I struggle to stay strong because I know the impact I have on everyone. Please understand, Pearl. ''[thru screen]'' You have an impact too. ''[inside]'' There are times when I look up to you for strength. You are your ''own'' gem. You control your destiny. Not me, not Rose, not Steven. But you must choose to be strong, so we can move forward. So I can trust you again. :'''Pearl''': I understand. I can't give up anymore! :'''Garnet''': Good. === ''Nightmare Hospital'' === :'''Dr. Maheswaran''': ''[sighs]'' I had a rough day at work and I'm not in the mood for any more surprises. :'''Connie''': Whatsyjf happened at work? :'''Dr. Maheswaran''': There was a really strange case at the hospital today, straight out of a ''nightmare''. ''[beat]'' Oh, don't worry, the rules of doctor-patient confidentiality keep me from sharing the graphic details, but... Hang on a moment. When did we get a coat rack? :'''Connie''': Oh, no... :'''Dr. Maheswaran''': A ''SWORD''?! Connie, where did you get this?! :'''Steven''': I-it's— :'''Connie''': I found it! I just... found it outside and I wanted to show it to Steven. :'''Dr. Maheswaran''': How could you possibly think this is okay?! :'''Connie''': It's— :'''Dr. Maheswaran''': Do you know how many children I see everyday in the hospital who've cut their faces off playing with swords?! :'''Connie''': I— :'''Dr. Maheswaran''': NONE!! Because they all have parents who love them, and who don't let them play around with deadly weapons like some kind of gang member! No playing with swords, under any circumstances! ''[her cell phone rings, answers it]'' This is Dr. Maheswaran. Yes, calm down, Stromberg. Another one? :'''Steven''': ''[to Connie]'' Is she gonna give it back? :'''Dr. Maheswaran''': All right, I'll-I'll be right there. ''[zips sword in duffle bag]'' I have to go to the hospital. I'll have a talk with your father to calculate just how grounded you are. ''[leaves, comes back]'' And we're using the abacus! ''[leaves again]'' :'''Connie''': I ''hate'' that abacus. Steven, I'm so sorry. She took your mother's sword! :'''Steven''': Maybe we can get her to change her mind? :'''Connie''': She never ''ever'' changes her mind. We've got to get that sword back ourselves. <hr width=50%> :'''Connie''': Mom... I'm really sorry about lying to you. It started off as a tiny secret, and then I felt like if I didn't hide it, you wouldn't let me see Steven ever again. :'''Dr. Maheswaran''': Is that how you feel? Are we too controlling? :'''Connie''': ..Maybe. :'''Dr. Maheswaran''': I just wanted to be a good mother. I... I just wanted to protect you. :'''Connie''': I can protect myself now! ''[Dr. Maheswaran pauses for a long beat, sighs]'' :'''Dr. Maheswaran''': Okay. ''[Connie winces]'' We'll... pull back on the rules, and I'll try to keep an open mind about ''[Connie's lenses]'' this, and ''[Lion]'' that, and... him. ''[Steven stays frightened]'' It scares me that you can't talk to me. I need to know what's happening in your life. I... I need to step in when you're in over your head. Would you just promise me you'll stop all this lying? :'''Connie''': ''[beat]'' That's a rule. ''[they embrace each other]'' :'''Dr. Maheswaran''': I love you, honey. :'''Connie''': I love you too, Mom. === ''Sadie's Song'' === :'''Sadie''': Please, Mom. Don't make me do this. :'''Barb''': Make you? You said you wanted to sing. :'''Sadie''': Yeah! I did! I did! I did, I did. Just like I say lots of things like, "Hey, Mom. Swimming looks fun", then bam! Suddenly, I'm anchoring a 400 meter relay for the Beach City Seals. "Hey, Mom. I thought signing up for softball would be nice." 6 birthdays later, I'm still getting nothing but kneepads and batting helmets. "Hey, Mom. I wanna sing at this year's Beachapalooza", and what do I get? THIS! I just thought, for once, I get to do things my way, but you came in and took over everything like you always do. :'''Barb''': I just wanted everyone to know how talented my daughter is. :'''Sadie''': THIS is not your daughter. :'''Barb''': ''[stunned]'' I'm sorry. === ''Catch and Release'' === :'''Steven''': ''[getting padded by Peridot]'' Why are you acting like this?! :'''Peridot''': You smashed me into a limbless cloud, you trapped me in your bubble dungeon, and you called me... ''cute''! ''[Steven evades her punch, face-flat on the floor]'' :'''Steven''': I didn't poof you! I freed you! ''[Peridot turns back]'' :'''Peridot''': Why would you make such a miscalculation? :'''Steven''': Back at the warp pad, what were you trying to say? Why do we need you? What do you know? :'''Peridot''': What do I know? Everything there is to know about the Cluster, you pebble! :'''Steven''': Cluster? Wait, pebble? :'''Peridot''': My mission. The reason why I'm on this sad rock in the first place! I was to check progress on the Cluster! Just in and out, before it hatches. I wasn't supposed to get stuck here! But now it's going to emerge and nothing can stop it, and we'll all be shattered!! :'''Steven''': Okay, okay, wait, slow down. Now, from the top—emerging, hatching, Clusters? :'''Peridot''': You wanna know? :'''Steven''': Yes. :'''Peridot''': You ''really'' wanna know? :'''Steven''': Yes? <hr width=50%/> :'''Peridot''': ''[in bathroom]'' Hmm... Seems I've discovered some sort of archaic... think chamber. Roomy, with a fresh hint of Earth citrus. ''[lifts toilet seat]'' A perfect crossroads for my escape. :'''Amethyst''': ''[fiddling the bathroom doorknob]'' It's locked. :'''Garnet''': Peridot, open the door! ''[flushing sounds are heard]'' :'''Amethyst''': Uh, if you're trying to flush yourself down the toilet, it ''won't'' work. ''[cut to Peridot spinning inside the toilet bowl]'' Trust me, I've tried. :'''Pearl''': How did she get out?! We bubbled her! :'''Amethyst''': Maybe we needed a bigger bubble. :'''Garnet''': My bubbles are fine. :'''Steven''': ''[sweating nervously]'' I did it. :'''Pearl''': ''[shocked]'' Steven, why would you do such a thing?! <hr width=50%/> :'''Garnet''': I'm tired of playing these games. If we can't fight her, fine. We'll talk. Peridot! :'''Peridot''': ''[slips off the sink]'' Whoa! :'''Garnet''': All right, no more fighting. Let's just have a civil conversation. :'''Peridot''': As if I'd negotiate with you, filthy war machine! :'''Garnet''': ''[summons gauntlets]'' Okay, let's kick her butt. :'''Steven''': Wait! :'''Peridot''': Yeah! Destroy me again! ''[hangs on bath curtain pole with a plunger]'' And have fun trying to talk to me when I'm in a ''bubble''! ''[almost slips off]'' :'''Pearl''': I really hate to say it, but unfortunately if she has information, she's more valuable to us like… this. :'''Garnet''': This is going to be tricky. ''[hear knobs turning, water splashing]'' :'''Peridot''': H-h-hot hot hot!! :'''Steven''': You have to turn the knob the other way for cold! ''[later in the kitchen with the Gems]'' Wait, so we're just gonna let her live in my bathroom? :'''Pearl''': Well, yes. What other option do we have? Keep her outside on a leash? === ''When It Rains'' === :'''Garnet''': ''[banging on the bathroom door]'' Open the door, Peridot! If this "Cluster" is putting us in danger, you need to tell us what it is so we can stop it! :'''Peridot''': No! I hate you! I'm not telling you anything about the Cluster! :'''Amethyst''': Oh, come on. Is it like a big, hunk of granola? :'''Peridot''': What's granola? :'''Pearl''': I'm sure it's not granola. Now, Peridot, I'm sure we can reach some sort of agreement. Perhaps a trade is in order? :'''Peridot''': Oh, sure. Why don't you just give me back my leg enhancements and my arm attachments with my screen and my log and all my information. Oh, wait, YOU DESTROYED THEM! So, no, I don't think we can reach some sort of agreement! :'''Steven''': ''[flushing the toilet]'' Okay, Peridot, you can turn around now. ''[exits the bathroom, clears throat]'' Sorry for interrupting your interrogation. :'''Garnet''': Don't worry about it, Steven. :'''Pearl''': I swear, Peridot is gonna crack any second now. :'''Peridot''': I'll ''never'' crack for the likes of you, you… Crystal Clods! ''[laughs]'' :'''Pearl''': ''[angrily]'' Ooh, I got your clods right here, you little…! :'''Garnet''': ''[puts her hand on her shoulder]'' Hold on, Pearl. If she's not gonna be of any help, let's investigate this thing on our own. :'''Steven''': I'll come with you. :'''Garnet''': Sorry, Steven. We're gonna need you to stay here and keep an eye on our…''guest.'' :'''Steven''': Really? :'''Amethyst''': Yeah. Make sure she doesn't try anything. :'''Pearl''': Don't worry. She's harmless without her limb enhancers. :'''Peridot''': I'M NOT HARMLESS! :'''Pearl''': Oh, hush up! <hr width=50%/> :'''Peridot''': These are the early attempts at artificial fusion. :'''Steven''': That's a lot of gem shards. :'''Peridot''': We were growing them here at this very site. But these were just prototypes for the final product, a singular giant artificial fusion, comprised of millions of gem shards…the Cluster. :'''Steven''': Peridot, you're saying there's a giant mutant gem the size of the Earth under us right now? :'''Peridot''': Oh, no. When it forms, it'll be much, much bigger than the Earth. Right now, it lies dormant, incubating in the Earth's core. But when it emerges and takes its physical form, it will destroy the planet. The prototypes are already emerging. The Cluster is next. If we can't get off this planet, we've got to stop the Cluster! I thought it'd be impossible, but now we have a chance. :'''Steven''': What is it? :'''Peridot''': ''[grabs Steven's shoulders and grins malevolently]'' It's you, Steven! ''[she and Steven climb out of the control room]'' Now that you're filled in, we can get to work! :'''Steven''': Uhh, how am I supposed to help? :'''Peridot''': Well, you have all the information that we need about Earth and its erratic behavior. Put that together with my expansive knowledge of the Cluster and we just might be able to stop it! :'''Steven''': No, Peridot, I don't think you get it! Just because I know how clouds work doesn't mean I know how to stop a giant mutant in the center of the earth! Besides, the only reason that I know anything about clouds and rain is because my dad told me. :'''Peridot''': What are you talking about? :'''Steven''': I used to be really scared of thunderstorms, just like you. Then Dad explained how rain and all that stuff works, then I wasn't scared of rain anymore. :'''Peridot''': Well, I'm sure you have other knowledge about how this planet works. :'''Steven''': Sure, but none of it's going to help us. If we want to stop this Cluster thing, we'll need help from the Crystal Gems. :'''Peridot''': I said I don't need them! Let's just warp me back to the bathroom, or whatever you call it, and we'll take care of this. If it looks really bad, then we can just ask this "dad" for help, right? === ''Back to the Barn'' === :'''Peridot''': What is that?! :'''Steven''': ''[speaking with the Cluster puppet]'' It's the Cluster. :'''Peridot''': It does not look like that. But it ''is'' real, and it can activate at any moment! :'''Amethyst''': What a cluster. :'''Garnet''': That abomination must be stopped. :'''Pearl''': But how? We'll need to build some sort of machine to take us to the center of the Earth, it'll have to- :'''Peridot''': ''[swats at Pearl, interrupting her]'' Hey! I wasn't finished speaking! What we ''need'' is to build some sort of machine to take us to the center of the Earth. <hr width=50%/> :'''Pearl''': All right. What we have here in the barn should be adequate enough for us to get started. First, I recommend we organize the component types, and assemble a rough blueprint based off what we have available. Sorry, Steven. It's a lovely drawing, but it won't look like this. ''[Steven stops spinning on the swivel chair, now frowning]'' :'''Peridot''': ''[examines piece of chalk]'' Hmm... Good. Yes, this is adequate. Thank you. You can go now. :'''Pearl''': ..Uh, what? :'''Peridot''': Hm? ''[beat]'' Umm, that will be all? ''[claps to her for a beat, whispers to Steven]'' How do you get her to leave? :'''Pearl''': Excuse me, I am not leaving. :'''Steven''': Yeah! She's gotta stay here to help us build the drill thing, right? :'''Peridot''': ''[laughs]'' No, no, you're confused. A Pearl can't build a thing like this. :'''Steven''': Why not? :'''Peridot''': Because Pearls aren't ''for'' this! They're... for standing around, an-and looking nice, and uh... holding your stuff for you. Right? :'''Pearl''': That's enough! If we're going to work together, you're going to have to listen to me. :'''Peridot''': Listen to you? ''[starts laughing, turns to Steven]'' Did you teach her to talk like this? :'''Steven''': What are you talking about? :'''Peridot''': She's a Pearl. She's a made-to-order servant just like the hundreds of other Pearls being flaunted around back on Homeworld. :'''Steven''': Wait... There's hundreds of Pearls?! :'''Pearl''': ''[nervous]'' Well... yes, but— :'''Peridot''': ''[holding Pearl's sash]'' And she looks like a fancy one, too. ''[Pearl gasps]'' :'''Steven''': Hundreds of Pearls... :'''Peridot''': So, who do you belong to anyway? :'''Pearl''': ''[grabs her sash away from her]'' Nobody!! :'''Peridot''': Then... what are you for? ''[Pearl recoils back]'' Well, you can belong to me for now. Ha! A Peridot with a Pearl? What would they say back home? :'''Pearl''': Now listen here, you tiny twerp! In case you've forgotten, you're on ''our'' turf now! And I didn't fight a thousand-year war for this planet's independence to take orders from the likes of ''you''!! :'''Peridot''': Excuse me? I am a natural technician and a certified Kindergartener. I was made for this! You were made to take orders, not to give them! :'''Steven''': Whoa, whoa, hang on, guys! Now, we can all agree that you are both good at building things, so... can't you just try listening to each other? :'''Both''': <big>'''''NO!!'''''</big> :'''Pearl''': I'm as good at building things as you! Better, even! :'''Peridot''': Hah! Name one thing you can engineer better! Go on! :'''Steven''': ''[whispers]'' Robots. :'''Both''': Hm? :'''Steven''': You should build robots. Giant robots! I see a race. A giant robo-race... with prizes. Giant robo-prizes! :'''Pearl''': You mean like a competition? :'''Steven''': Yeah! To see who's better at building stuff! :'''Peridot''': What are these robots you speak of? :'''Steven''': They're like those funky marble guys you were sending—only bigger, and you can ride them! ''[makes robot noises]'' :'''Peridot''': Hah! Building one of these robots will be easy! :'''Pearl''': Well, I can build one faster! :'''Peridot''': That's what you think! === ''Too Far'' === :'''Peridot''': ''[talking into a recorder]'' Log date 7 11 2. It's the third rotation of the Earth since commencements of a... collaborative approach to stopping the Cluster. :'''Pearl''': I've finished drawing up the blueprints for the drill head. Peridot, if you could come take a look at this? :'''Peridot''': Remind me again why I should listen to you? Oh, right. ''[plays recorder]'' :'''Peridot''': ''[thru recorder] "The Pearl here has developed an aptitude for engineering that I begrudgingly respect. But that doesn't explain the spontaneous singing... crying... singing while crying." [Amethyst laughs]'' :'''Pearl''': ''[to Steven] [annoyed]'' Why did you give her that? :'''Steven''': Well, we did destroy all her stuff. I thought it might help make her feel a little better. :'''Peridot''': ''[thru recorder] "Clod!" [fast-forwards] "Mighty clod!" [fast-forwards] "Running out of ways to say clod."'' :'''Garnet''': All right. I chased away those cows. Now let's get to work. :'''Peridot''': ''[to Garnet] [clears throat]'' Before we begin, would you mind unfusing? It's making me incredibly uncomfortable. :''[beat as Steven, Amethyst and Pearl nervously look to Garnet. The scene then cuts to Garnet leashing Peridot to a fence.] :'''Peridot''': ''[as Garnet walks away]'' What?! What'd I say?! :'''Steven''': Did we really have to do that? :'''Garnet''': Her having free reign of the place made ''me'' incredibly uncomfortable. <hr width=50% /> :''[Steven and Amethyst walk up to a leashed Peridot growling over a microwave]'' :'''Peridot''': I just need some sort of leverage optimizer... :'''Amethyst''': Leverage optimizer? :'''Peridot''': That's what I said. :'''Amethyst''': Ohhh! Ha! You mean you want a screwdriver? ''[laughing]'' :'''Peridot''': Do you have one or not? :'''Steven''': Uh... ''[hands a screwdriver]'' Why don't you just use this one? :'''Peridot''': Because it was outside my radius. :'''Amethyst''': He-hey... Hey, Peridot... ''[points to her nose]'' What do you call this? :'''Peridot''': A scent sponge. :'''Steven''': Huh? ''[Amethyst laughs some more]'' :'''Amethyst''': Okay... ''[opens her eye]'' what's this? :'''Peridot''': Vision sphere. :'''Steven''': Peridot, that's— :'''Amethyst''': Wait, wait, Steven! Peridot... ''[waves her fingers]'' these? :'''Peridot''': ''[getting annoyed]'' Touch stumps. :'''Amethyst''': ''[points to her foot]'' This?! :'''Peridot''': Gravity connectors. :'''Amethyst''': ''This''?! :'''Peridot''': '''THAT'S YOUR BUTT!!!''' ''[Steven and Amethyst laugh out loud]'' :'''Steven''': Oh, man, Peridot, you're killing me! :'''Peridot''': I am not! That would violate our truce agreement! :'''Amethyst''': No, no, no! You're funny! :'''Peridot''': Funny? <hr width=50% /> :'''Peridot''': The strangest thing is, Amethyst... you think you have to listen to them! ''[laughs]'' You are the one they should put you in charge! :'''Amethyst''': Ha! That's your best joke yet. :'''Peridot''': No, really. Pearl is a Pearl. Garnet is a fusion. I don't even know what ''he's'' supposed to be. :'''Steven''': Hey! :'''Peridot''': You're the only Crystal Gem that's actually a Gem! :'''Amethyst''': Uh... ''[laughs nervously]'' What? :'''Peridot''': You outrank everyone on your team. They should be listening to you. You're a strong, singular, fully-functional soldier, despite the fact that you're defective. :'''Amethyst''': ..Defective? :'''Peridot''': Well, sure. You're small. :'''Amethyst''': So? :'''Peridot''': Well, you're not supposed to be! Hold on, wait, wait. Let me guess. ''[points to Amethyst's hole]'' This— ''[runs to hole]'' This is the hole you came out of. Too small, too low, the exit marks look about 500 years newer than every other hole. Hmm... this place must have been empty when you came out. No wonder you have no idea what you're supposed to look like! :'''Steven''': Peridot... ''[Amethyst holds Steven on the shoulder]'' :'''Amethyst''': What was I supposed to look like? :'''Peridot''': Well, you're a quartz. They're huge, loyal soldiers. You should be twice your size. Broad shouldered, intimidating, but you simply stayed in the ground too long. :'''Amethyst''': Are you saying I'm wrong?! :'''Peridot''': ''[laughing]'' Gemetically speaking, yes. When you think about it it's also... ''[snickers]'' funny! ''[Amethyst feels more enraged]'' :'''Steven''': Amethyst? :'''Peridot''': Hey, soldier. Maybe you can help me get this hunk of drill off. :''[Amethyst violently slashes the drill head off of an Injector with her whip]'' :'''Peridot''': See? Look at that! You can do everything a normal quartz can do. Let's head back and shove this thing in Pearl's face! :'''Steven''': Amethyst? Are you okay? :'''Amethyst''': Don't worry about it. <hr width=50% /> :'''Pearl''': ''WE LEAVE FOR ONE SECOND AND EVERYTHING GOES OFF THE RAILS!'' :'''Garnet''': I blame the cows. <hr width=50% /> :'''Peridot''': ''[thru recorder]'' "''Log date 7 11 2. This entire planet is backwards. There hasn't been one instance of correct behavior exhibited by anyone of these Crystal Gems. I have concluded that they are all defective. But I am no better. I failed my mission and I'm now working with the enemy. And I can't even get that right. I have apparently "hurt" Amethyst's "feelings", which was not my intent. If I damaged my standing with the best Gem here, then I've made a serious mistake. I'm still learning. I hope you understand. I want to understand. I'm sorry. [pause] Peridot, Facet 5, end log.''" === ''The Answer'' === :'''Sapphire''': My Diamond, I have arrived. :'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Blue Diamond spoke… :'''Blue Diamond (Garnet)''': Sapphire, tell me what will happen here. :'''Sapphire''': I foresee the rebels attacking the Cloud Arena. Before they are cornered, they will destroy the physical forms of seven gems, including two of my Ruby guards, and myself. Immediately after my form is destroyed, the rebels will be captured. The rebellion ends here. :'''Blue Diamond (Garnet)''': Thank you, Sapphire. :'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Blue Diamond said, relieved. :'''Blue Diamond (Garnet)''': That's all I needed to know. :'''Sapphire''': I look forward to speaking with you again once I reform back on Homeworld. <hr width=50% /> :'''Rose''': ''[off-screen]'' Blue Diamond, leave this planet! This colony will ''not'' be completed! :'''Ruby Guard''': It's the rebels! :'''Various Gems''': Who are you?! Show yourselves! :'''Rose''': ''[floating from above Pearl]'' We… :'''Rose & Pearl''': …are the Crystal Gems! :'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' The attack was right on schedule. <hr width=50% /> :'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' The furious crowd closed in around Ruby and Sapphire. They'd never seen fusion of two different types of gems. :'''Various Gems''': Unbelievable! Disgusting! This is unheard of! :'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Blue Diamond's voice cut through the crowd. :'''Blue Diamond (Garnet)''': The rebels have fled. Sapphire, this is ''not'' the scenario you described. :'''Sapphire''': This is… not what I saw! I don't know what happened, I… :'''Ruby''': No! It was me! :'''Blue Diamond (Garnet)''': Clearly. :'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Said Blue Diamond. :'''Blue Diamond (Garnet)''': How dare you fuse with a member of my court? :'''Ruby''': Forgive me, I… :'''Blue Diamond (Garnet)''': You will be broken for this! <hr width=50% /> :'''Both''': ''Where did we go, what did we do?'' :''I think we made something entirely new'' :''And it wasn't quite me and it wasn't quite you'' :''I think it was someone entirely new.'' :'''Ruby''': ''Oh, um'' :''Well, I just can't stop thinking'' :'''Sapphire''': ''So, um'' :''Did you say I was different?'' :'''Ruby''': ''And you hadn't before'' :'''Sapphire''': ''Of course not'' :''When would I have ever?'' :'''Ruby''': ''I'm so sorry'' :'''Sapphire''': ''No, no, don't be'' :'''Ruby''': ''And now you're here forever!'' :'''Sapphire''': ''What about you?'' :'''Ruby''': ''What about me?'' :'''Sapphire''': ''Well, you're here too'' :''We're here together.'' :''Mm-m-m-m-mm'' :'''Both''': ''Mm-m-m-m-mm, hm-m-m-m-m'' :''Mm-m-m-m-mm'' :''Mm-m-m-m-mm...'' <hr width=50% /> :'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' I was back. I was someone and I didn't know who. But I felt I was getting the hang of my strange new form. ''[beat]'' And then I fell. :'''Fusion''': Ahh! ''[tumbling down a hill and crashes in bushes]'' Ouch... ''[a sword is pointed to her face]'' Aahh! Don't hurt her! Don't hurt... me? :''[pan up to see Pearl as the sword bearer]'' :'''Pearl''': It's you... the fusion. :'''Fusion''': We didn't mean to fuse! Well... well, we did this time. We'll unfuse! We-we'll... w-we'll... ''[Rose Quartz comes by]'' :'''Rose''': No, no, please. I'm glad to see you again. :'''Garnet''': And there they were—Rose Quartz, the leader of the rebellion and her terrifying renegade Pearl. :'''Fusion''': I don't... upset you? :'''Rose''': Who cares about how I feel? How ''you'' feel is bound to be much more interesting. :'''Fusion''': How I feel? I-I feel... uh, lost... and scared... a-and happy. W-Why am I so sure that I'd rather be this than everything I was supposed to be, and that I'd rather do this than everything I was supposed to do? ''[Rose chuckles and smiles]'' :'''Rose''': Welcome to Earth. :'''Fusion''': C-Can you tell me?! How was Ruby able to alter fate? Or, why was Sapphire willing to give up everything? W-What am I?! :'''Rose''': No more questions. Don't ''ever'' question this. You already are the answer. :''[Flashback story ends as Garnet concludes]'' :'''Steven''': So…what was it? The answer? :'''Garnet''': ''[whispers]'' Love. :'''Steven''': Wow… I knew it. :'''Garnet''': So did I. === ''Steven's Birthday'' === :''[Steven runs and hides to an edge of the barn; he de-ages into his normal state]'' :'''Steven''': Ohhh, geez! If I can just keep this up for the rest of my life, no one will suspect a thi— :''[he sees wide-eyed Amethyst and Greg staring at Steven for a beat; he drops a piñata stick]'' :'''Amethyst''': What are you doing?! :'''Steven''': ''[stammers]'' U-uh— well, what are ''[ages back]'' you doing? :'''Greg''': What are ''you'' doing to your body?! :'''Amethyst''': Woah, woah, woah... Have you been stretching yourself out all day?! :'''Steven''': No! I was just... slouching. :'''Greg''': Why are you doing this? It... really isn't like you. :'''Steven''': Because, Dad! I can't stay a kid forever! When Connie grows up and becomes president, what is that gonna make me? First Boy?! :'''Amethyst''': Steven, you can't just keep stretching forever. If you hold it too long, you could really hurt yourself. :'''Steven''': Yeah, well, I'm half-human so maybe it works different for me! We'll just have to wait and see, right?! :'''Greg''': ''[sighs]'' Steven... <hr width=50%/> :'''Garnet''': ''[trying to cheer up baby Steven but fails]'' My power means nothing to an infant. <hr width=50%/> :''[Greg, Connie and Amethyst (as a baby car seat for baby Steven) drive up in his van; Connie waves a maraca trying to calm down baby Steven]'' :'''Connie''': How can the Gems not know what to do?! :'''Greg''': You think they know the first thing about raising a baby? That was all me! But I don't get it. Driving always used to calm him down. :'''Connie''': But, how do we change him back?! :'''Greg''': I don't know! Look, Connie, let me take you home. I-I'll call you when this all this gets sorted out. :''[Connie turns to baby Steven babbling and crying]'' :'''Connie''': W-Wait, no! I wanna stay. :'''Greg''': Are you sure? :'''Connie''': Yeah! I just want to be there for Steven. Don't worry, Steven. It doesn't matter to me what age it seems like you are, I wanna hang out with you no matter what. Your dad still has to earn his car wash and the Gems have to do gem stuff, so I'll watch you when they're not around. I can come see you after I'm done training with Pearl, too. Doesn't that sound fun? ''[baby Steven holds onto her finger; coos happily]'' :'''Greg''': Look at that! He finally stopped crying. :'''Connie''': Well, that's a start. ''[Amethyst clears her throat]'' :'''Greg''': What's up, Amethyst? :'''Amethyst''': Baby Steven needs changin'. === ''It Could've Been Great'' === :'''Steven''': ''Life and death and love and birth'' :''And peace and war on the planet Earth'' :''Is there anything that's worth more'' :''Than peace and love on the planet Earth?'' :''Whoahh, come on and sing it with me'' :'''Peridot''': Sing? :'''Steven''': ''The words relate to the key'' :'''Peridot''': Key? :'''Steven''': ''If it's a pattern, if it's a pattern'' :''Then just repeat after me.'' :''Life and death and love and birth'' :'''Peridot''': ''Life and death and love and birth'' :'''Steven''': ''Now using mi-fa-mi-mi-fa-mi-ti-la!'' :'''Both''': ''And peace and war on the planet Earth.'' :'''Steven''': Yes, yes! That's it! :'''Peridot''': That's so easy. :'''Steven''': Yeah, but that's what's fun about it! You should write something, you should write a song. :'''Peridot''': About what? :'''Steven''': Whatever you're thinking. <hr width=25% /> :'''Peridot''': ''I guess we're already here, I guess we already know'' :''We've all got something to fear, we've all got nowhere to go'' :''I think you're all '''insane''', but I guess I am too'' :''Anybody would be if they were stuck on Earth with you.'' :'''Steven''': ''[laughing]'' Yes! ''Life and death and love and birth and'' :'''Amethyst''': ''Life and death and love and birth and'' :'''Pearl''': ''Life and death and love and birth'' :''And peace and war on the planet Earth.'' :'''Garnet''': ''Is there anything that's worth more'' :'''Steven''': ''Is there anything that's worth more'' :'''Peridot''': ''Is there anything that's worth more'' :''Than peace and love on the planet Earth?'' <hr width=50% /> :'''Steven''': Huh? Hey, Peridot, who is this supposed to be? :'''Peridot''': ''[runs up and gasps at the mural]'' It's Blue Diamond! Wait. Are they ''all'' here?! Ah, yes! There she is! :'''Steven''': Who? :''[They run up to the mural of Yellow Diamond]'' :'''Peridot''': Behold, Yellow Diamond! Isn't she magnificent? :'''Steven''': Wow! So, who are the Diamonds anyway? They seem like a big deal. :'''Peridot''': Are you joking me? The Diamonds are the Gem matriarchs! Together, they make up the Great Diamond Authority that governs Homeworld and all the outlying colonies! We live to serve them. ''[Garnet clears her throat and glares down at her in annoyance; nervously chuckles]'' I…I mean, we were all made to serve them, even though some of us don't anymore. <hr width=50% /> :'''Peridot''': This is so incredible! Only the most elite can enter these sanctums. We are literally walking in the footsteps of the Diamonds. :'''Steven''': They must really like stairs. :''[They enter an upstairs room with only a single mysterious object in the middle]'' :'''Steven''': Hey, what's this room? :'''Garnet''': ''[continues walking upstairs]'' It's not what we came for. :'''Amethyst''': Can we hurry it up? This place gives me the creeps. :'''Steven''': ''[as they reach the top of the moon base]'' We really are on the moon. <hr width=50% /> :''[Peridot brings up a hologram of Earth, which starts eroding to a hollowed-out version with a ring system as Steven and the Gems awe in shock]'' :'''Peridot''': Ta-da! A finished Earth colony. Wow, look at this! Eighty-nine Kindergartens, sixty-seven spires, a Galaxy Warp in each facet, efficient use of all available materials. What were you thinking shutting this operation down?! It could've been great! :'''Garnet''': No! You're wrong! :'''Peridot''': What do you mean? It's perfect. Look at it! :'''Pearl''': We ''are'' looking at it. :'''Amethyst''': Yeah, this plan stinks! :'''Garnet''': Completing this colony would have meant the extinction of all life on Earth! :'''Peridot''': But think of the good it would've done! The Gems that would've been made are empire expanded! :'''Pearl''': Rose Quartz believed all life was precious and ''worth'' protecting. :'''Peridot''': Well, if she wanted to protect it, she did a lousy job! There'd be no Cluster if the Earth had stayed a colony! Now there's no colony, and there's gonna be no Earth! So thank you, Rose Quartz, you doomed the planet! :''[Garnet, Pearl and Amethyst stare angrily at Peridot for a beat]'' :'''Steven''': Ohh-hoh-hoh! ''[nervously]'' Is there anything that's worth more than— ''[Garnet picks up Peridot]'' :'''Garnet''': You listen to me now. ''[summons gauntlet]'' You were talking about things that you do ''not'' understand. :'''Steven''': Garnet! Stop, please! It's not worth it. We're done here. Let's just go home. :''[Garnet drops Peridot on the seat and smashes the control panel with her gauntlet and the hologram dissipates; the Gems start leaving soon after. Steven sighs]'' :'''Peridot''': What'd I say? I'm just stating a fact. The rebellion didn't really save Earth, it just delayed the inevitable. :'''Steven''': ''[sighs]'' That's not the way they see it. They've spent thousands of years trying to protect the Earth. I thought maybe you finally understood why. === ''Message Received'' === :'''Peridot''': Wait! I— I wouldn't have called just to waste your time with a report. :'''Yellow Diamond''': You already have. :'''Peridot''': ''[nervously]'' No, I mean... The reason I called – the ''real'' reason... I believe we should terminate the Cluster. :'''Yellow Diamond''': ...''Why?'' :'''Peridot''': The organic ecosystem creates resources unique to this world. We can't sacrifice all that potential just for one geo-weapon! I'd like to tell you some plans I came up with to utilize the planet without disrupting the local— :'''Yellow Diamond''': I've heard enough! I don't care about potential and resources. :'''Peridot''': What? :'''Yellow Diamond''': I want my Cluster, and I want that planet to ''die''. Just make that happen. :'''Peridot''': ...No! :'''Yellow Pearl''': Huh?! :'''Yellow Diamond''': Are you questioning my authority? :'''Peridot''': I'm questioning your objectivity! My Diamond. :'''Yellow Pearl''': Well! ''[Yellow Diamond stands up]'' :'''Yellow Diamond''': You are out of line. :'''Peridot''': I just think— :'''Yellow Diamond''': I'm not interested in the puny thoughts of a Peridot. :'''Peridot''': But— :'''Yellow Diamond''': You have disrespected this channel and my time with your presence, and you would do well to— :'''Peridot''': But— :'''Yellow Diamond''': ''Shut your mouth!!'' ''[beat]'' You have failed at every stage of this mission! Your only chance to redeem yourself is to obey this simple order: You are to leave the Cluster to grow. It will tear apart the Earth, and I will take immense satisfaction in erasing that hideous rock off of our star maps! ''Is that clear?!'' :'''Peridot''': I won't do it!! I can tell you with certainty that there are things on this planet worth protecting! ''[Steven smiles]'' :'''Yellow Diamond''': What do you know about the Earth?! :'''Peridot''': ''[losing her temper]'' APPARENTLY MORE THAN ''YOU'', YOU... <big>'''''CLOD!'''''</big> ''[Yellow Diamond suddenly becomes incredibly livid at a petrified Peridot]'' Uhh... Peridot out. :''[She terminates communication; Steven and the Gems come out from hiding and happily congratulate Peridot]'' :'''Steven''': That was AMAZING! :'''Peridot''': ''[sweating and looking devastated]'' I can't believe I just did that... :'''Steven''': I was so wrong about being so wrong about you! :'''Peridot''': ''[still sweating and devastated]'' I can't believe I just did that...! :'''Garnet''': You thought you could change her mind. :'''Amethyst''': Yellow D got torn down by the "Peridactyl"! :'''Peridot''': ''[sighs and gives the communicator to Pearl]'' Can one of you take this? :'''Pearl''': Why? :'''Peridot''': Because it can be remotely detonated. :''[The communicator starts to glow red; Steven and the Gems panic while Peridot curls up into a ball on the ground]'' :'''Pearl''': How do we stop it?! :'''Garnet''': Just get rid of it! :'''Pearl''': Err, here, Amethyst! ''[passes it to her]'' :'''Amethyst''': ''WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH IT?!'' :''[She throws it to Steven, who bubbles it; Garnet punches it away into the sky, where it explodes harmlessly]'' :'''Peridot''': ''[still curled up]'' I thought I could reason with her... :'''Amethyst''': ''[grinning]'' Yeah, you ''REALLY'' made her mad. :'''Pearl''': ''[smiling]'' And then you insulted her to her face. :'''Steven''': ''[overjoyed]'' Do you know what this means?! :'''Peridot''': I'm a traitor to my Homeworld. :'''Steven''': ''You're a Crystal Gem!!!'' ''[hugs Peridot]'' :'''Garnet''': ''[smiling]'' Whether you like it or not. :''[Peridot starts groaning loudly as the camera zooms out to the whole of Earth]'' === ''Log Date 7 15 2'' === :'''Peridot''': Log Date 7 15 2. I can't believe I just did that! I disobeyed my orders and went against Yellow Diamond's wishes! I'm a traitorous clod! I never want to think about what I've done again! ''[stops recording, rewinds and plays the recording; laughs madly]'' And I called Yellow Diamond a clod! Right to her face! ''[falls to her knees]'' I called Yellow Diamond a clod. ''Right to her face.'' :'''Steven''': Uh, Peridot? Are you going to be okay? :'''Peridot''': ''[enthusiastically with a deranged smile]'' No! :'''Steven''': It's all going to work out. You're with us now. :'''Peridot''': You don't understand! I'm protecting a planet I was once trying to destroy! I used to follow every order, every rule. Now I'm a traitor. ''[cringes]'' A rebel! ''[eyes turn to stars] '''A CRYSTAL GEMMMMMMMMMMMM....''' ''[snickers]'' :'''Steven''': Well, that tape recorder seems to be helping. :'''Peridot''': '''NO IT'S NOT!''' ''[throws recorder at Garnet, who had just entered]'' It's a chronicle of my descent into madness!!! :'''Garnet''': ''[holding out recorder to Peridot]'' You dropped this. :'''Peridot''': Get it away from me! Give it to Steven. Return madness to its source! <hr width=50%/> :'''Peridot''': Log Date 7 11 2. The Steven has given me this Earth machine to replace my communicator log. It looks…extremely primitive. He also said he wanted me to stop calling him, "The Steven." :'''Steven''': It's just "Steven." :'''Peridot''': I said I'd call him whatever I want. ''[hisses viciously at him; Steven holds up his finger in her face]'' He told me that was rude. :'''Steven''': Rude. :'''Peridot''': I guess I'll him, "Steven." <hr width=50%/> :'''Peridot''': "Jokes." ''[opens up the joke book; clears throat]'' "Why did the chicken cross the road? The chicken wanted to get to the other side of the road." ''[laughs]'' What's a chicken? <hr width=50%/> :''[Steven installs a TV, inserts a VHS tape in it, and ''Camp Pining Hearts'' begins to start]'' :'''TV Narrator''': ''On the last episode of ''"Camp Pining Hearts"…'' :'''Paulette''': I don't care that you're on the yellow team, Percy. We can make this work! :'''Percy''': It's color war, Paulette. Doesn't that mean anything to you? :''[They lean in closer to kiss]'' :'''Peridot''': What is this strange ritual? :'''Steven''': Uh, that's um… :'''Peridot''': Are they attempting fusion? :'''Steven''': No, well, my dad told me during certain stages in your life-- :'''Peridot''': How could anyone indulge in this baseless drivel?! I'll have no part of it! ''[through recorder]'' ''Hour 78 of ''"Camp Pining Hearts."'' [repeating Percy's line] ''It's the color war, Paulette. Doesn't that mean anything to you?'' :'''Steven''': Uh, you've been here for a few days. Is everything okay? :'''Peridot''': I've just been… watching your previously recorded entertainment. :'''Steven''': Is that the same episode from three days ago? :'''Peridot''': There's more than one? :'''Steven''': Hmm... nah. Oh, you made a picture. ''[reaches a piece of paper before Peridot snatches it]'' :'''Peridot''': Picture?! This isn't just a picture, Steven! It's a complex chart cataloging the compatible characteristics between campers. Somehow, the rejects at Camp Clod fail to recognize the superior pair that is Pierre and Percy. :'''Steven''': Well, that's 'cause Paulette likes Percy. :'''Peridot''': Paulette? Ha! Paulette has ''no'' place in the camp's hierarchy. Now, Pierre-- Pierre is a brute! Pierre laid waste to the three-legged races. Pierre and Percy present the strongest battle formation. They'd destroy the camp! :'''Steven''': You got all this from one episode? :'''Peridot''': It's ''{{w|subtext}}'', Steven. Allow me to explain. ''[cut back to recorder held by Steven]'' ''Well, first of all…'' :'''Steven''': Ugh, I remember this part. ''[fast-forwards recorder as we see Peridot speeding through the entire session; Steven soon falls asleep with Garnet now sitting on the couch]'' :'''Peridot''': And that's why Percy and Pierre are objectively the best for each other! ''[Steven slumps down the floor; Garnet gives a thumbs up; tears up her complex chart, angrily]'' ''GRAHHH!!!'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Peridot''': Pearl really tries for some reason and I can appreciate that. Amethyst's company is entertaining as well, but the fused one… ''[sees Garnet for a long beat, she gives her a thumbs up]'' …eludes me. <hr width=50%/> :'''Peridot''': Why are you fused all the time?! :'''Garnet''': I'm Percy and Pierre. :'''Peridot''': ''[realizing]'' Ohhhhh! :''[Steven fast-forwards the tape recorder]'' :'''Peridot''': ''[through recorder] Okay, go.'' :'''Garnet''': ''[through recorder] Log Date seven fourteen two.'' :'''Peridot''': ''[through recorder] No, you say it seven one-''four'' two! [groans] Log Date 7 14 2. I have attempted a fusion with the fusion Garnet. I had hoped to gain a better understanding of fusion. Instead, I gained a better understanding of Garnet. :'''Garnet''': ''[through recorder] Wait, keep it on a moment. Steven, you probably shouldn't have listened to Peridot's logs, but I know your curiosity comes from a place of caring. You should give the recorder back to her now. She's going to want to keep it.'' :'''Peridot''': ''[through recorder] Wait, what?'' [[Category:Steven Universe seasons]] kq614cehiwkc558gqbvmx8flqp8a95f 3153085 3153084 2022-08-10T01:48:06Z 162.197.99.132 /* The Answer */ wikitext text/x-wiki ---- :'''Seasons:''' [[Steven Universe (season 1)|1]] [[Steven Universe (season 2)|2]] [[Steven Universe (season 3)|3]] [[Steven Universe (season 4)|4]] [[Steven Universe (season 5)|5]] | [[Steven Universe: The Movie|Film]] | [[Steven Universe Future|Future]] | [[Steven Universe|Main]] ---- {{italic title}} The following is a list of quotes from the second season of ''[[Steven Universe]]''. === ''Full Disclosure'' === :'''Greg''': I saw the spaceship starting to leave and then it crashed and I came back and— ''[sees Steven's black eye]'' Ugh, your eye... But you're okay! I guess those jerks were no match for the Crystal Gems! :'''Steven''': No way! They were super strong! :'''Greg''': But you were able to beat them back? :'''Steven''': No, they totally stomped us! This warrior Jasper was super beefy and knocked me unconscious. Then they abducted me onto the ship because they wanted to take me away forever, and then we crashed the ship and I almost died! ''[Greg freaks out]'' :'''Greg''': W-What do they want with you?! :'''Steven''': They think I'm Mom. :'''Greg''': Ar-are more Homeworld Gems gonna come after you?! :'''Steven''': I— uhh... I don't know. Maybe? :'''Greg''': Steven, I'm supportive and very proud of you... and I'll be right back. ''[runs into his van]'' Gotta calm down. Where's my— ''[brings a series of CDs up front]'' Where's my relaxing music CD?! This one? ''[inserts CD; starts blaring loud metal music]'' Wrong one!! Stop!! Eject!! <hr width="50%"> :'''Ronaldo''': Oh! I see... You come up here to brood too! :'''Steven''': Brood? :'''Ronaldo''': Yes, Steven. That's just what people like us do. Suffer quietly, shouldering the knowledge no one else can bear. :'''Steven''': Hm. :'''Ronaldo''': As an aficionado of the weird yourself, you've probably noticed ordinary people fear the cold leaded anchor of the truth. The abyss is no Sunday swan ride. :'''Steven''': I know! My dad flipped out when I told him! :'''Ronaldo''': Sounds typical. But it's a good reminder. This is no easy path we've chosen here. There are... sacrifices. Look at them all down there, Steven. It's our duty to let those simple people live out their simple lives, without ever knowing the burden of being friends with us. :'''Steven''': At least we can be there for each other. :'''Ronaldo''': Is that giant hand from the sky sitting right in the middle of the beach?! I gotta get some of this for my blog! <hr width="50%"> :'''Amethyst''': Aw, come on! :'''Garnet''': No whining. We need to start cleaning up the debris. :'''Pearl''': Garnet's right. People are already coming back into town! :'''Steven''': We've got to keep them off the beach. If any humans got access to Gem technology, ''[shuts blinds]'' they could really hurt themselves. Maybe we should shut them out... for good. :'''Pearl''': You know... we did once have a fence. Let's get a new one—with barbed wire! :'''Amethyst''': This time, let's build a moat. I could be... ''[shapeshifts her head]'' the crocodi-i-ile!! Jazz hands! :'''Garnet''': No. :'''Amethyst''': Why not? :'''Pearl''': You always say you'll be the crocodile, but you never commit! :'''Garnet''': No fence either. :'''Amethyst/Pearl''': Garnet! :'''Garnet''': Steven needs to see his father and his friends. :'''Steven''': No, I don't! I can't keep clinging to the vestiges of my humanity. It's time I got serious. ''[his phone starts ring-toning again]'' Errh! :'''Pearl''': Steven, why is your communication device playing that song? :'''Steven''': It's Connie, trying to call me... but I can't face her anymore. :'''Pearl''': So... you're just going to ignore her forever? :'''Steven''': It's the responsible thing to do. :'''Amethyst''': ''[sees thru blinds]'' It's gonna be hard, 'cause she's coming up the steps right now. :'''Steven''': What?! === ''Open Book'' === === ''Joy Ride'' === :'''Steven''': Family stuff is tricky. :'''Buck, Sour Cream, and Jenny''': Mmhm. :'''Steven''': A few months back, my dad and the Gems grounded me from TV. :'''Buck, Sour Cream, and Jenny''': That's the worst. / Bummer. / No way! :'''Steven''': And then I found out that the Gems are alien rebels and that there are other Gems out in space that want us dead 'cause they think we're traitors. And they tried to take me hostage 'cause they think I'm my mom. And... maybe I kinda am? ''[sighs]'' I wish I could talk to Garnet, Amethyst and Pearl about it, but... I think they kinda blame me for my mom not being around. :''[Buck, Sour Cream and Jenny are in a state of shock for a beat. Jenny turns off the radio]'' :'''Jenny''': That's heavy. :'''Steven''': I guess. <hr width=50%> :'''Garnet''': Steven... you're ungrounded from TV. === ''[[w:Say Uncle (Steven Universe)|Say Uncle]]'' === :'''Steven''': What am I doing wrong? The Gems can all summon ''their'' weapons, why can't I? ''[desperately]'' Isn't there somebody who can help me?! <hr width="50%" /> :'''Steven''': Oh my gosh! Uncle Grandpa! You're really here, I can't believe it! I mean… I literally can't believe it. How is this even possible?! :'''Uncle Grandpa''': Don't worry, bro. None of this is canon. ''[pulls a real cannon out of Belly Bag]'' But this is! ''[launches his head like a cannonball with smoke trails spelling "APRIL FOOLS" and crashes into a ship with Lars and Sadie on it]'' :'''Lars''': Oh, no!! Our ship!! <hr width=50% /> :'''Amethyst''': Steven! :'''Pearl''': What's going on?! Who is this stranger? :'''Steven''': He's not a stranger, he's Uncle Grandpa! :''[Uncle Grandpa honks his nose]'' :'''Amethyst''': "Uncle… Grandpa"? :'''Pearl''': So that would make him Greg's brother… ''and'' father? :'''Garnet''': That would explain a lot. <hr width=50% /> :'''Pizza Steve''': Oh hey, it's just me, Pizza Steve—just the coolest and tastiest Steve who ever lived. :'''Steven''': Hi, Pizza Steve! I'm a Steve too! Steven Universe. :'''Pizza Steve''': ''Stee''-ven Universe... ''[pops out on top of Steven's hair]'' Come on, Uncle G. I've got two rules—no more than 40 or 50 vans, and only '''ONE''' Steve allowed! :'''Uncle Grandpa''': Yeah, but this Steven is special. :'''Mr. Gus''': Yeah. He's a Crystal Gem. :'''Uncle Grandpa''': Good mornin', Mr. Gus. :'''Mr. Gus''': What's up, Uncle Grandpa? :'''Steven''': Whoa, Mr. Gus! How do you know about me? :'''Mr. Gus''': I have a comprehensive knowledge of all magical denizens of the multiverse. I know ''ALL'' about the Crystal Gems. Come on, man, check this out. I even made my own Gemsona. ''[shows art of "Mr. Gusite"]'' My gem is on my tail, and my weapon is a fryin' pan. <hr width=50% /> :''[The Gems run frantically across the plot hole many times, stop for a breather]'' :'''Garnet''': There's got to be some way out of here. :'''Pearl''': ''[extremely panicked]'' WE'LL NEVER ESCAPE!! ''THIS'' IS OUR NEW ''HOME!!'' :'''Garnet''': Pearl, you're overreacting. :'''Pearl''': <big>'''I'M NOT OVERREACTING!!!'''</big> :''[Pearl runs around screaming until she crashes into Amethyst]'' :'''Amethyst''': Hey, where's Steven? ''[Pizza Steve walks in dressed like Steven]'' :'''Pizza Steve''': Lookin' for me, Pizza Steven Universe? ''[Pearl gasps, cowers behind Garnet]'' :'''Pearl''': That's not my baby! :'''Amethyst''': Ah, nice! ''[eyes on Pizza Steve]'' :'''Pizza Steve''': Whoa, hold on! :'''Amethyst''': ''Pizzaaaaaa!!'' ''[chases Pizza Steve offscreen]'' :'''Pizza Steve''': Don't eat Pizza Steve! ''[munching noises]'' :''[Amethyst walks back on, putting on Pizza Steve's sunglasses from out of her mouth]'' :'''Garnet''': Okay, I'm ready for this episode to end. :''[She stomps, causing the plot hole to crack and shatter, leaving them back at the beach]'' <hr width=50% /> :'''Steven''': ''[after finally summoning his shield; to Uncle Grandpa]'' I did it, Uncle Grandpa! I really did it! :'''Uncle Grandpa''': Yay. :'''Pearl''': Protecting HIM activated Steven's powers?! :'''Garnet''': He must really care about this stranger. :'''Amethyst''': I hope he didn't care about that pizza. :'''Steven''': Listen! It was a big, weird surprise when Uncle Grandpa showed up here today. We've never met anyone like Uncle Grandpa, but you can't just attack people you don't understand. You have to stick up for them, and listen to what they have to say. You guys always do that for me. :'''Pearl''': ''[blushing with tears in her eyes, feeling guilty and sorry]'' Steven, you're right. ''[cries]'' HOW CAN I BE SO BLIND?! I'M SORRY! :'''Amethyst''': I also apologize for Pearl. :'''Garnet''': Thank you, you taught us a valuable lesson, Uncle Grandpa. <hr width=50% /> :'''Uncle Grandpa''': Boy, that sure makes my eyes hurt. Now let's see here... ''[grabs a checklist revealing several other Cartoon Network protagonists]'' Dexter, Dee-dee, Blossom, Bubbles, Buttercup, Ed, Edd, Eddy, Billy, Mandy, Mac, Juniper Lee, Swat Kats, Flapjack, Finn, Oh! Steven! ''[checks off Steven's name]'' Now who's next? ''[Clarence's name is shown at the bottom of the list]'' === ''Story for Steven'' === === ''Shirt Club '' === :''[Steven rushes to the Beach House]'' :'''Steven''': Garnet! Amethyst! Pearl! :'''Garnet''': Steven! :'''Pearl''': What is it?! :'''Amethyst''': Whoa, where's the fire? :'''Steven''': It's an emergency! You have to help me take down all the shirts and stop Buck from making more! :'''Pearl''': Have the shirts come to life and and possessed the bodies of their wearers?! :'''Steven''': Uh, no! They just— :'''Amethyst''': Are people catching on fire when they put on the magic shirts? :'''Steven''': No! No, they're just— :'''Pearl''': Are the shirts destroying the wearer's will to continue on in this mortal coil, thereby shutting down Beach City!?! :'''Steven''': ''NOOOOO''!!! They're— they're just... using my art in a way I don't agree with. :'''Pearl''': Oh. ''[all Gems sit down]'' :'''Garnet''': Ah, we'll pass. :'''Steven''': What?! But— but I really need your help! :'''Pearl''': Steven, this sounds like a very abstract problem. :'''Amethyst''': It's not something we can ''punch''! :'''Garnet''': You must learn to help yourself. That's how you become stronger. ''[shades sparkle]'' :'''Amethyst/Pearl''': Good point, good point. / Oh, absolutely. :'''Steven''': But..! :'''Amethyst''': You figure something ''out'', Steven! :'''Pearl''': Yes! Why not dust off those conflict resolution skills? :'''Garnet''': Let your problem be known, then you can work towards an understanding. :'''Steven''': Oh... I'll make them understand. I'll make them all understand... ''[leaves]'' :'''Amethyst''': Eh, he'll be fine. === ''Love Letters'' === :''[Steven and Connie meet Jamie sitting on a log in the beach]'' :'''Steven''': Jamie! :'''Jamie''': Oh, hey, Connie and Steven. You guys come out here to stare at the ocean and think about life too? :'''Connie''': Uhh, no...? We came to, uh— :'''Jamie''': Yeah, life is crazy. One day, you're right here in Beach City delivering mail and then the next thing you know... you're on a bus to Kansas, following your dreams of becoming an actor. "Follow your dreams," they said. But no one said anything about all the rejection and sadness there was to be found. So many auditions day after day... So much rejection day after day... That's why I came back. ''[two seagulls crash into each other and fall into the sea]'' One more rejection would have destroyed my fragile heart. ''[sobs, chuckles]'' Sorry... sometimes I get caught up in the drama zone, you know? :'''Steven''': Yeah, right... Drama zone. :'''Connie''': Oh, by the way, we have something for yo— :'''Steven''': No, we don't! <hr width=50%> :'''Garnet''': I didn't mean to upset you. :'''Jamie''': Then will you go out with me? :'''Garnet''': No! :'''Jamie''': But I've loved you since the moment I saw you. :'''Garnet''': Love at first sight doesn't exist. Love takes time and love takes work. At the very least, you have to know the other person. And you literally have no idea who or what I am. ''[shades glimmer]'' :'''Jamie''': But I bloom for you like— like a... camellia... under moonlight? :'''Garnet''': No, you don't! ''[long beat]'' You make a very convincing lovesick fool. You convinced these children. ''[adjusts her shades]'' You even convinced yourself. ''[smiling]'' You're a fantastic actor. :'''Jamie''': ''[beat]'' ..What am I supposed to do now? :'''Garnet''': Start with local theater. ''[slaps Jamie's back, then walks away. Connie and Steven walk closer to him]'' :'''Connie''': Are you okay? :'''Jamie''': Yeah. That was some pretty solid advice. :'''Steven''': Were those more letters you wrote to Garnet? :'''Jamie''': No. That was the mail I was supposed to deliver on my last route. :'''Steven''': ''[beat]'' We'll help you pick it all up. :'''Jamie''': Thanks. === ''Reformed'' === :'''Garnet''': This is not a good choice for your form. :'''Amethyst''': Lighten up, Garnet. Can't you take a joke? :'''Garnet''': It's not funny. You've made yourself ridiculous. :'''Amethyst''': <big>'''''RIDICULOUS?!?!'''''</big> :'''Garnet''': Keep your voice down! The creature... :'''Amethyst''': Hrrr... You wanted me to be more like Pearl, and now I am!! :'''Garnet''': ''[low voice]'' Pearl would've taken her regeneration seriously! :'''Amethyst''': WHAT DO YOU CARE!?! MY FORM IS '''''MY'' BUSINESS!!''' :'''Garnet''': It's my business when it affects the strength of the team!! :'''Amethyst''': ..So what?! I'm not strong enough?! ''[gets dragged by the Slinker]'' :'''Steven''': Amethyst! :'''Amethyst''': '''ARE YOU SAYING... <big>I'M ''WEAK''</big>?!?!''' ''[poofs again; Steven catches her gemstone]'' :'''Steven''': Is it weird I'm getting numbed to this? === ''[[w:Sworn to the Sword|Sworn to the Sword]]'' === :'''Connie''': ''[fights off seagulls with her violin bow]'' Run back to your masters! Tell them we're not afraid of your kind! :'''Steven''': ''[chuckles]'' Thanks for saving my jam snack. Unfortunately, it's not safe from me. ''[munches it]'' You're such a good sword fighter, Connie. :'''Connie''': Really? I was just swinging this thing around. I don't really know what I'm doing, but I'd love to learn how to use a real sword! :'''Steven''': Oh! ''[gulps snack; starry eyes]'' Steven has an idea! :''[back at the Beach House]'' :'''Pearl''': You want me to do ''what''?! :'''Steven''': You should teach Connie to sword fight, she's already so good! :'''Connie''': Steven! :'''Steven''': But you are! Y-You helped me fight the robot floaty-thing, she took down that evil clone of herself, uh... those mean seagulls just now? :'''Pearl''': You're awfully young to begin something like this. But I suppose I was only a few thousand years old when I began fighting alongside Rose Quartz. ''[Connie raises her hand]'' Yes, Connie? :'''Connie''': Please! I want to learn! I mean, I don't know what'll happen in the future. But if something dangerous comes along... I don't wanna be a burden, I wanna help! I want to be there for Steven to fight by his side! The Earth is my home too. Can't I help protect it? ''[Pearl starts watering tears of joy]'' :'''Pearl''': Oh... okay... If that's how you feel... we should get started! :'''Steven''': Woo-hoo! ''[runs after her laughing]'' :'''Connie''': Wait, now? <hr width=50%> :'''Pearl''': All right, everything begins with your stance. Remember: :''[singing] You do it for him, and you would do it again'' :''You do it for her, that is to say, you'll do it for him.'' :''Keep your stance wide, keep your body lowered'' :''As you're moving forward, balance is the key'' :''Right foot, left foot, now go even faster'' :''And as you're moving backwards, keep your eyes on me.'' :'''Connie''': ''Keep my stance wide'' ("Good.") :''Keep my body lowered'' ("Right.") :''As I'm moving forward'' :'''Pearl''': ''Concentrate! Don't you want him to live?!'' :'''Connie''': ''Right foot, left foot'' :'''Pearl''': ''Yes, but put your whole body into it!'' :''Everything you have, everything you are'' :''You've got to give.'' :''On the battlefield, when everything is chaos'' :''And you have nothing but the way you feel, your strategy and a sword'' :''You just think about the life you'll have together after the war'' :''And then you do it for her, that's how you know you can win'' :''You do it for her, that is to say, you'll do it for him.'' <hr width=25%> :''Deep down, you know you weren't built for fighting'' :''But that doesn't mean you're not prepared to try'' :''What they don't know is your real advantage'' :''When you live for someone, you're prepared to die.'' :'''Connie''': ''Deep down, I know that I'm just a human'' ("True.") :'''Both''': ''But I/you know that I/you can draw my/your sword and fight'' :'''Connie''': ''With my short existence,'' ("Good.") ''I can make a difference'' ("Yes, excellent!") :''I can be there for him, I can be his knight.'' :'''Connie''': ''I can do it for him'' :'''Both''': ''You'd do it for her'' :'''Pearl''': ''Okay, now do that again'' ("Yes, ma'am.") :''You do it for her, and now you say'' :'''Connie''': ''I'll do it for him.'' <hr width=50%> :'''Amethyst''': ''[belly laughs]'' Wow, Garnet! That is the funniest thing I've ever heard! :'''Garnet''': Garnet, master of comedy. :'''Amethyst''': Hehehe... Yo, Steven. ''[pretend-yells]'' '''WHY ARE YOU STANDING THERE ALL SAD LIKE THAT?!?!''' :'''Steven''': W-well... Connie is taking sword fighting lessons from Pearl, but I think it's getting a little too serious. She wants Connie to do all this dangerous stuff for me. :'''Garnet''': That makes sense. :'''Steven''': What do you mean? :'''Garnet''': Back during the war, Pearl took pride in risking her destruction for your mother. She put Rose Quartz over everything — over logic, over consequence, over her own life. :''[Pearl and Rose switch to Connie and Steven, respectively. She charges at the enemy before cutting to Steven's horrified face]'' :'''Amethyst''': You okay, dude? :'''Steven''': I have to do something!! Thanks for telling me that, bye!! === ''Rising Tides, Crashing Skies'' === :'''RonaIdo''': I am now going to attempt to make contact with the mysterious, reclusive, ''[Steven comes out]'' and—ahh! :'''Steven''': Hi, Ronaldo! Uh, hi, Peedee. Is that a camera? :'''Peedee''': Yeah. We're making a movie about— :'''RonaIdo''': It's an investigative report, shot ''[[w:cinéma vérité|camera vérité]]''. :'''Steven''': Cool! :'''RonaIdo''': So... you wanna participate in a groundbreaking interview? :'''Steven''': Hmm. Only if ''you'' participate in a glass of fresh-squeezed lemonade! ''[walks back inside]'' :''[cue Ronaldo and Steven in the Beach House]'' :'''Steven''': Ohh, that giant hand? It was a spaceship coming to get us. :'''RonaIdo''': Us?! I knew it! Steven, we know too much! :'''Steven''': No, not "us" us. I-I meant me and the Crystal Gems. :'''RonaIdo''': Wait. So the hand wasn't here to snatch up humans for a human zoo? Or interfere with our subsidized Beach City wind farm?! Or thaw the cryogenically frozen pets of the one percent!?! :'''Steven''': Uh... no, I'm pretty sure it came to Beach City for me and the Crystal Gems. :'''RonaIdo''': Oh. So, if you and the Crystal Gems weren't here, we wouldn't have been attacked by the giant hand? :'''Steven''': Ohh-hoh-hoh! Definitely not. === ''Keeping It Together'' === :'''Pearl''': Garnet, you don't think Peridot would come looking for us, do you? :'''Garnet''': We weren't her priority. She was sent here to do something in the Kindergarten. :'''Pearl''': Do you think she's still going to try to reactivate it? :'''Garnet''': Mm. If she gets it back up and running, the Injectors will turn back on. :'''Steven''': Injectors? What're those? :'''Pearl''': You've already seen them. ''[projects hologram from her gemstone]'' Well, you've seen them disabled. If Peridot reactivates them, they'll pick right up where they left off, planting gems in the crust of the Earth, where they'll incubate and suck the life right out of the ground. We can't let Peridot restart Gem production here. If we do... ''[sighs]'' the entire planet will become… :'''Garnet''': Janked. :'''Amethyst''': Garnet! ''[laughs]'' That mouth! ''[sniggers]'' :'''Garnet''': Don't worry. We'll stop her. <hr width=50% /> :'''Steven''': We did it! Garnet? :'''Garnet/Ruby'''! So ''this'' is what Homeworld thinks of fusion! :'''Garnet/Sapphire''': We couldn't have known they would do this. :'''Garnet/Ruby''': ''This'' is where they've been…all the ones we couldn't find… they've been here the whole time! :'''Garnet/Sapphire''': Rose couldn't have known. :'''Garnet/Ruby''': This is punishment for the rebellion! :'''Garnet/Sapphire''': ''[breaking down]'' It's not our fault! :'''Steven''': Garnet! :'''Garnet''': S-Steven. :'''Amethyst''': ''[sliding down with Pearl]'' Yo! We're back. :'''Pearl''': Garnet, we lost Peridot. Her fingers were too fast for us. ''[two fused hands climb up on Amethyst and grabs them]'' Um… what are these things? :'''Garnet''': PUT THEM DOWN! :'''Steven''': Uh! :'''Pearl''': Wha...? ''[throws the hands away]'' :'''Garnet''': We need to poof and bubble all of them. We can't let any escape. ''[She poofs the hands as the screen turns black]'' <hr width=50% /> :'''Garnet''': What Homeworld did… taking the shattered parts of fallen Gems and combining them—those Gems weren't asked permission. Fusion is a choice. Those Gems weren't given a choice. It isn't right. It isn't fusion! <hr width=50% /> :''[Steven looks at Garnet as he takes the clothes out the dryer into the basket]'' :'''Steven''': What's it like... being a fusion? :'''Garnet''': You fused. :'''Steven''': I mean, like, all the time. Do you forget who you used to be? :'''Garnet''': You forget you were ever alone. You know when you fuse, you don't feel like two people. You feel like one being. And your old names might as well be names for your left arm, and your right. :'''Steven''': When you split up, is it like you disappear? :'''Garnet''': I embody my— I mean, Ruby and Sapphire's love. I always exist in them, even if I split apart. But the strength of that love keeps me together, so I can stay Garnet for a very long time. :'''Steven''': That's why you're so great! :'''Garnet''': ''[smiles]'' Ha. ''[Steven starts laughing, with a light blue colored sock being blown away]'' :'''Steven''': Oh, no! ''[Garnet catches it]'' :'''Garnet''': Don't wanna break up a pair. :'''Steven''': ''[holds peach colored sock]'' Yeah, you're right. ''[Garnet folds socks into basket]'' They belong together. === ''We Need to Talk'' === :''[Greg re-watches Pearl and Rose's fusion dance, practices and falls down]'' :'''Greg''': Ah, geez! How'd she get her legs to do that? ''[groans]'' :'''Amethyst''': Hey! ''[looks at face-to-face with Garnet]'' Are you dead? :'''Greg''': Wha? Uh, no, no. I'm alive. :'''Amethyst''': Whoa, cool! ''[jumps over Greg, runs to the TV]'' It's us from before! :'''Greg''': Yeah, I was just... trying to get my head around this fusion dance. :'''Amethyst''': A fusion dance ain't about your head! ''[laughs out loud]'' :'''Greg''': Wait... you guys are Gems. You gotta help me out here. I need to be able to fuse with Rose! :'''Garnet''': First, you need a gem at the core of your being. Then you need a body that can turn into light. Then you need the partner who you trust with that light. :'''Greg''': Metaphorically? :'''Garnet''': Literally. :'''Amethyst''': ''[whispers]'' Shh! Come on! I still wanna see him try! :'''Greg''': Ugh, so it's true. I really can't do it. ''[touches his face]'' I'm kidding myself with this! I'm never gonna be a Gem... ''[Garnet looks down and picks up a twig]'' :'''Garnet''': Amethyst... give us some privacy! ''[throws it far away]'' :'''Amethyst''': YEAH!! ''[scampers after it]'' :'''Garnet''': Let me tell you something, Mr. Universe. I think you can do it, but it won't work if you dance like Pearl. You have to dance like you. You have to fuse ''your'' way. Get open. Get honest. Invent yourselves together. ''[lowers her shades and winks left of her three eyes]'' That's fusion. :'''Greg''': EYE—think I get it. === ''Chille Tid'' === :'''Steven''': "Sleep is a curse, and yet a curse I need to live"—Steven Universe. ---- :'''Garnet''': Let me show you how it's done. ''(She falls over, stiff as a board)'' :'''Pearl''': That's pretty convincing. ---- :'''Steven''': Lapis! :'''Lapiz Lazuli''': No. I'm ''not'' Lapis anymore. We're Malachite now. === ''[[w:Cry for Help (Steven Universe)|Cry for Help]]'' === :'''Garnet''': It's as I feared. :''[The Communication Hub is glowing and shooting a beam of light towards the sky]'' :'''Pearl''': It looks like Peridot somehow repaired the Communication Hub. Well, at least some of it. :'''Steven''': So... we just gotta wreck it up again, right? (''to Amethyst'') You guys should form Sugilite! :'''Amethyst''': (''smiling a bit'') Yeah... Well, it's up to Garnet, I guess. (''smiling widely, to Garnet'') What do you say? ''[Pearl looks scared in the background]'' Shall we mash it up?... :'''Garnet''': No. :'''Amethyst''': But, don't we need to be huge like last time? :'''Garnet''': Last time was a disaster. Last time we fused, Sugilite went berserk. It's because of her that we can't even warp here anymore. (''takes off her visor'') I can be brash, you can be reckless. And we can both get carried away. So, for the time being, ''[She puts her visor back on and Amethyst's reflection can be seen in them]'' Sugilite is benched. What we need now is to be careful. ''[Steven gasps]'' It's you and me, Pearl. Let's fuse. ''[Pearl looks astonished as she begins to tear up]'' Don't cry, Pearl. ''[Pearl tries to not cry and quivers as she strongly breathes in through her nose, sniffling thickly]'' Come on, let's do this. :'''Pearl''': I'm right behind you. (''sniffling'') :'''Steven''': (''running towards them'') Woo-hoo! Fusion! Fusion! Fusion! Fusion! *sits to the left of Lion* (''Amethyst walks over'') :'''Garnet''': (''gemstones glow'') Ready. :'''Pearl''': (''grunts; stretches'') Hang on, it's been such a long time. ---- :'''Sardonyx''': Gooooood evening, everybody! (''struts over to Lion, Steven, and Amethyst and does a twirl'') This is the lovely Sardonyx! Coming to you ''a-live'' from the soon-to-be-former Communication Hub! How are y'all doin' tonight? :'''Amethyst''': (''sarcastically'') Great... :'''Steven''': (''gasps'') Giant woman! ---- :'''Amethyst''': ''Maybe you're better off with her / I think she's better for you / I forgot how great it felt to be us / Guess I got carried away. / I had to use you to make me feel strong / But I don't care about that now / I see a tower built out of my mistakes / And it all comes crashing down. / Is there something I can doo-oo / Is there something I can doo-oo-oo / Is there something I can doo-oo / Can I make it up to you?'' ---- :'''Amethyst''': Stop! :'''Pearl''': Is something the matter, Amethyst? :'''Amethyst''': You... you shouldn't. :'''Steven''': Pearl, we saw you. :'''Pearl''': (''shocked'') What? :'''Steven''': You need to tell Garnet it was you! :'''Garnet''': I don't understand. :'''Pearl''': I'm sorry. It's just... so much fun being Sardonyx with you. :'''Garnet''': ''[drops Pearl to the ground]'' ''That's'' why I couldn't see us finding Peridot. :'''Pearl''': Wait, let me explain! :'''Garnet''': You've been fixing the hub! :'''Pearl''': It really was Peridot! The first time. :'''Garnet''': You ''tricked'' me! :'''Pearl''': No! No, no, no, no! We just needed a reason to fuse! I just wanted to share a few more victories with you! :'''Garnet''': Those weren't ''victories''! :'''Amethyst''': Wait, Garnet! You know, we're so much weaker than you! Fusing with you is like our one chance to feel... ''stronger''! :'''Garnet''': Don't defend her! Peridot is out there somewhere and Pearl's been distracting us with... ''nothing''! :'''Pearl''': Garnet... :'''Garnet''': ''[angrily points at her]'' That's enough! ''[to Amethyst]'' Amethyst, fuse with me! :'''Amethyst''': But-! :'''Garnet''': (''clenching her fist'') Let's just get this over with. === ''Keystone Motel'' === :'''Steven''': Pearl! Where have you been?! :'''Pearl''': Looking for Peridot… For a few days straight. Steven, I know I might have… disappointed all of you. I know Garnet's very upset with me. But I'm going to prove to her that she can trust me again. ''[Garnet walks in through the front door]'' Oh! Garnet! I was just looking for Peridot! She's bound to be somewhere, right? Any new ideas? ''[Garnet says nothing and walks past her]'' I'm sorry ---- :'''Garnet''': ''[agitated, panting]'' Calm down... I don't feel like forgiving Pearl!... You don't understand, you must... If you're not going to listen, then you can just GO! ''[splits into Ruby and Sapphire]'' :'''Sapphire''': ''[calmly]'' We must move past this, Ruby. :'''Ruby''': ''[furiously]'' She ''lied'' to us so we'd form Sardonyx! She ''tricked'' us! Don't you feel used?! :'''Sapphire''': You're choosing to take it personally. :'''Ruby''': IT'S ''FUSION'', SAPPHIRE! WHAT'S MORE PERSONAL TO US THAN ''FUSION?!'' :'''Sapphire''': I know you're still upset... :'''Ruby''': Oh, so it's just me?! :'''Sapphire''': Of course not. Can't you see I'm completely engulfed with rage? :'''Ruby''': Well, it doesn't feel like it! :'''Sapphire''': The sooner we forgive Pearl, the better it will be for us all. :'''Ruby''': YOU'RE NOT AS ABOVE THIS AS YOU THINK YOU ARE! ---- :'''Sapphire''': ''[about Ruby, while she shakes the table]'' This will pass. She'll eventually just burn herself out. :'''Ruby''': ''[angrily]'' THAT'S WHAT ''YOU'' THINK! '''I AM AN ETERNAL FLAME, BABY!''' ''[flips the table]'' :''[while Greg talks to Steven, arguing with each other simultaneously]'' :'''Ruby''': You don't know me! :'''Sapphire''': How could I possibly not know you? We always fuse! We always fuse, what are you even going on about fusion? :'''Ruby''': Look at you! ''[laughing]'' You don't even know yourself! Ha! :'''Sapphire''': So don't act so ridiculous. :'''Ruby''': ''I'm'' ridiculous?! :'''Sapphire''': Yes, yes. ---- :'''Steven''': I was so happy when Garnet said she wanted to go on this trip with me and Dad! Home's been awful! Here's been awful! I thought you wanted to have a fun time, but everyone's been acting awful too! It... it just came with us! I don't understand! Is it... is it me? :'''Ruby''': ...No! Steven, it's all us! :'''Sapphire''': But we made him feel like it was his fault... I keep looking into the future, when all of this has already been solved, as if it doesn't matter how you feel in the present! ''[starting to cry]'' No wonder you think I don't care...! :'''Ruby''': Sapphire... No, nonononono! This is all my fault, I... I didn't want to look for a solution, I... I just wanted to be mad! You're right! You're always right! I was being stupid! :'''Sapphire''': I don't think you're stupid! :'''Ruby''': I'm... sorry. ''[gently brushes Sapphire's hair aside, revealing her sad eye]'' :'''Sapphire''': You honestly think I'm not upset about what happened? I was just... trying to do the right thing. :'''Ruby''': I know... ''[starts smiling]'' You know what's nice about being split up? :'''Sapphire''': What? :'''Ruby''': I get to look at you... :'''Sapphire''': ''[pushes her off, laughing]'' Be serious! :'''Ruby''': ''[hugs Sapphire]'' There's my Laughy Sapphy! :'''Sapphire''': Shh! You're embarrassing me in front of Steven! ''[cut to Steven, feeling awkward at the scene]'' === ''Historical Friction'' === :'''Steven''': Hey, Pearl! ''[sees a desolate Pearl sitting on the couch, looking at the ceiling]'' Pearl? :'''Pearl''': ''[jumps up]'' Steven! You're back! :'''Steven''': Yeah... ''[sits down]'' Show business is rough. :'''Pearl''': Is there something I can help you with? :'''Steven''': Not unless you can make William Dewey interesting. :'''Pearl''': How do ''you'' know William Dewey? :'''Steven''': I'm gonna be him in this play! But he's totally boring! He's perfect and he never makes mistakes. :'''Pearl''': ''[sigh]'' Wish I could say the same for myself. :'''Steven''': Yeah, but nobody's like that! Everybody gets stuff wrong, and then you have to keep going and it's hard, which is why it's great when you never stop trying! :'''Pearl''': ..When did you get so smart? === ''Friend Ship'' === :''[Steven and the Gems enter a room in the ship. Peridot appears on a projected screen]'' :'''Peridot''': ''[laughs]'' You Gems really are as dull as dirt! :'''Pearl''': You're the dull one if you thing you can fly this wreck! :'''Peridot''': ''[pauses]'' What? Can you speak louder? Some of these communicators are gunked up. :'''Steven''': ''[cleans off a microphone, speaks into it]'' Pearl says ''you're'' the dull one if you think you can fly this wreck! :'''Peridot''': ''[waits for Steven's response to come through] [laughs]'' Fly? I'm not using this vessel to fly. I'm using it to '''''TRAP YOU!''''' ''[a door closes, trapping Steven and the Gems in the room]'' Isn't this nice? No more Crystal Gems running around, messing with my plans, destroying my things. Looks like I've got you just where I want you. How does it feel to be so easily outsmarted, you '''''CLODS?!''''' :'''Pearl''': No... :'''Amethyst''': ''[speaks into the microphone]'' Hey, uh, this is Amethyst. I don't appreciate being called a clod, you clo- :'''Peridot''': Enough talk! Prepare yourselves for annihilation! ''[dramatically hits a button]'' Hiyah! ''[nothing happens, hits it again]'' Hiyah! :''[the room's laser cannons activate and take aim at Steven and the Gems]'' :'''Peridot''': It works! Yes! '''''DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIIIIE!''''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Garnet''': Pearl, stop. That isn't helping. :'''Pearl''': I have to do something. I can't believe I walked us right into Peridot's trap. This is all my… ''[Peridot's hologram disappears as the ground starts to shake]'' fault? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Pearl''': ''[thru screen]'' Garnet… I'm sorry! :'''Amethyst''': Wait a sec! :'''Pearl''': Things weren't supposed to turn out this way... ''[inside, Garnet punches the wall again]'' :'''Garnet''': We'll get outta here somehow. :'''Pearl''': ''[sighs]'' That's not what I mean! I really wanted to catch Peridot to make up for what I did... ''[Garnet withdraws her gauntlets]'' I wanted to prove to you that... that everything could go back to normal... :'''Garnet''': Catching Peridot won't make things go back to normal. ''[thru screen]'' This isn't about Peridot. :'''Amethyst''': Hey... they're actually talking! :'''Steven''': Now they can finally work things out! :''[soon, the gears start to activate and turn and start closing into the trapped two]'' :'''Amethyst''': Not if they get crushed! :''[both Garnet and Pearl push their unflinching sides]'' :'''Pearl''': Please! Tell me! How can I make you forgive me?! :'''Garnet''': You can't! You lied to me! You need to learn that there are consequences to your actions! :'''Pearl''': I'm sorry! I... I couldn't help myself! :'''Garnet''': ''[kicks opposite side of wall next to Pearl]'' I don't want to hear your excuses! :'''Pearl''': But it's true! No matter how hard I try to be strong like you, I'm just a Pearl. I'm useless on my own. ''[cries]'' I need someone to tell me what to do. :''[the walls suddenly stop moving; Both Amethyst and Steven pull her whip on its gears in its place. Garnet and Pearl pause for a beat]'' :'''Pearl''': When we fuse, I can feel what it's like to be you. Confident and secure, and complete. You're perfect. You're the perfect relationship. You're always together, I just... I wanted to be a part of that. :'''Garnet''': You're wrong! I'm not as strong as you think. I fell apart over this. Ruby and Sapphire were in turmoil over how you deceived me. ''[thru screen]'' I came undone. :'''Amethyst''': Whoa, that really happened? :'''Steven''': ''[nods]'' Hm. :'''Garnet''': It's not easy being in control. I have weaknesses too, but I choose not to let them consume me. I struggle to stay strong because I know the impact I have on everyone. Please understand, Pearl. ''[thru screen]'' You have an impact too. ''[inside]'' There are times when I look up to you for strength. You are your ''own'' gem. You control your destiny. Not me, not Rose, not Steven. But you must choose to be strong, so we can move forward. So I can trust you again. :'''Pearl''': I understand. I can't give up anymore! :'''Garnet''': Good. === ''Nightmare Hospital'' === :'''Dr. Maheswaran''': ''[sighs]'' I had a rough day at work and I'm not in the mood for any more surprises. :'''Connie''': Whatsyjf happened at work? :'''Dr. Maheswaran''': There was a really strange case at the hospital today, straight out of a ''nightmare''. ''[beat]'' Oh, don't worry, the rules of doctor-patient confidentiality keep me from sharing the graphic details, but... Hang on a moment. When did we get a coat rack? :'''Connie''': Oh, no... :'''Dr. Maheswaran''': A ''SWORD''?! Connie, where did you get this?! :'''Steven''': I-it's— :'''Connie''': I found it! I just... found it outside and I wanted to show it to Steven. :'''Dr. Maheswaran''': How could you possibly think this is okay?! :'''Connie''': It's— :'''Dr. Maheswaran''': Do you know how many children I see everyday in the hospital who've cut their faces off playing with swords?! :'''Connie''': I— :'''Dr. Maheswaran''': NONE!! Because they all have parents who love them, and who don't let them play around with deadly weapons like some kind of gang member! No playing with swords, under any circumstances! ''[her cell phone rings, answers it]'' This is Dr. Maheswaran. Yes, calm down, Stromberg. Another one? :'''Steven''': ''[to Connie]'' Is she gonna give it back? :'''Dr. Maheswaran''': All right, I'll-I'll be right there. ''[zips sword in duffle bag]'' I have to go to the hospital. I'll have a talk with your father to calculate just how grounded you are. ''[leaves, comes back]'' And we're using the abacus! ''[leaves again]'' :'''Connie''': I ''hate'' that abacus. Steven, I'm so sorry. She took your mother's sword! :'''Steven''': Maybe we can get her to change her mind? :'''Connie''': She never ''ever'' changes her mind. We've got to get that sword back ourselves. <hr width=50%> :'''Connie''': Mom... I'm really sorry about lying to you. It started off as a tiny secret, and then I felt like if I didn't hide it, you wouldn't let me see Steven ever again. :'''Dr. Maheswaran''': Is that how you feel? Are we too controlling? :'''Connie''': ..Maybe. :'''Dr. Maheswaran''': I just wanted to be a good mother. I... I just wanted to protect you. :'''Connie''': I can protect myself now! ''[Dr. Maheswaran pauses for a long beat, sighs]'' :'''Dr. Maheswaran''': Okay. ''[Connie winces]'' We'll... pull back on the rules, and I'll try to keep an open mind about ''[Connie's lenses]'' this, and ''[Lion]'' that, and... him. ''[Steven stays frightened]'' It scares me that you can't talk to me. I need to know what's happening in your life. I... I need to step in when you're in over your head. Would you just promise me you'll stop all this lying? :'''Connie''': ''[beat]'' That's a rule. ''[they embrace each other]'' :'''Dr. Maheswaran''': I love you, honey. :'''Connie''': I love you too, Mom. === ''Sadie's Song'' === :'''Sadie''': Please, Mom. Don't make me do this. :'''Barb''': Make you? You said you wanted to sing. :'''Sadie''': Yeah! I did! I did! I did, I did. Just like I say lots of things like, "Hey, Mom. Swimming looks fun", then bam! Suddenly, I'm anchoring a 400 meter relay for the Beach City Seals. "Hey, Mom. I thought signing up for softball would be nice." 6 birthdays later, I'm still getting nothing but kneepads and batting helmets. "Hey, Mom. I wanna sing at this year's Beachapalooza", and what do I get? THIS! I just thought, for once, I get to do things my way, but you came in and took over everything like you always do. :'''Barb''': I just wanted everyone to know how talented my daughter is. :'''Sadie''': THIS is not your daughter. :'''Barb''': ''[stunned]'' I'm sorry. === ''Catch and Release'' === :'''Steven''': ''[getting padded by Peridot]'' Why are you acting like this?! :'''Peridot''': You smashed me into a limbless cloud, you trapped me in your bubble dungeon, and you called me... ''cute''! ''[Steven evades her punch, face-flat on the floor]'' :'''Steven''': I didn't poof you! I freed you! ''[Peridot turns back]'' :'''Peridot''': Why would you make such a miscalculation? :'''Steven''': Back at the warp pad, what were you trying to say? Why do we need you? What do you know? :'''Peridot''': What do I know? Everything there is to know about the Cluster, you pebble! :'''Steven''': Cluster? Wait, pebble? :'''Peridot''': My mission. The reason why I'm on this sad rock in the first place! I was to check progress on the Cluster! Just in and out, before it hatches. I wasn't supposed to get stuck here! But now it's going to emerge and nothing can stop it, and we'll all be shattered!! :'''Steven''': Okay, okay, wait, slow down. Now, from the top—emerging, hatching, Clusters? :'''Peridot''': You wanna know? :'''Steven''': Yes. :'''Peridot''': You ''really'' wanna know? :'''Steven''': Yes? <hr width=50%/> :'''Peridot''': ''[in bathroom]'' Hmm... Seems I've discovered some sort of archaic... think chamber. Roomy, with a fresh hint of Earth citrus. ''[lifts toilet seat]'' A perfect crossroads for my escape. :'''Amethyst''': ''[fiddling the bathroom doorknob]'' It's locked. :'''Garnet''': Peridot, open the door! ''[flushing sounds are heard]'' :'''Amethyst''': Uh, if you're trying to flush yourself down the toilet, it ''won't'' work. ''[cut to Peridot spinning inside the toilet bowl]'' Trust me, I've tried. :'''Pearl''': How did she get out?! We bubbled her! :'''Amethyst''': Maybe we needed a bigger bubble. :'''Garnet''': My bubbles are fine. :'''Steven''': ''[sweating nervously]'' I did it. :'''Pearl''': ''[shocked]'' Steven, why would you do such a thing?! <hr width=50%/> :'''Garnet''': I'm tired of playing these games. If we can't fight her, fine. We'll talk. Peridot! :'''Peridot''': ''[slips off the sink]'' Whoa! :'''Garnet''': All right, no more fighting. Let's just have a civil conversation. :'''Peridot''': As if I'd negotiate with you, filthy war machine! :'''Garnet''': ''[summons gauntlets]'' Okay, let's kick her butt. :'''Steven''': Wait! :'''Peridot''': Yeah! Destroy me again! ''[hangs on bath curtain pole with a plunger]'' And have fun trying to talk to me when I'm in a ''bubble''! ''[almost slips off]'' :'''Pearl''': I really hate to say it, but unfortunately if she has information, she's more valuable to us like… this. :'''Garnet''': This is going to be tricky. ''[hear knobs turning, water splashing]'' :'''Peridot''': H-h-hot hot hot!! :'''Steven''': You have to turn the knob the other way for cold! ''[later in the kitchen with the Gems]'' Wait, so we're just gonna let her live in my bathroom? :'''Pearl''': Well, yes. What other option do we have? Keep her outside on a leash? === ''When It Rains'' === :'''Garnet''': ''[banging on the bathroom door]'' Open the door, Peridot! If this "Cluster" is putting us in danger, you need to tell us what it is so we can stop it! :'''Peridot''': No! I hate you! I'm not telling you anything about the Cluster! :'''Amethyst''': Oh, come on. Is it like a big, hunk of granola? :'''Peridot''': What's granola? :'''Pearl''': I'm sure it's not granola. Now, Peridot, I'm sure we can reach some sort of agreement. Perhaps a trade is in order? :'''Peridot''': Oh, sure. Why don't you just give me back my leg enhancements and my arm attachments with my screen and my log and all my information. Oh, wait, YOU DESTROYED THEM! So, no, I don't think we can reach some sort of agreement! :'''Steven''': ''[flushing the toilet]'' Okay, Peridot, you can turn around now. ''[exits the bathroom, clears throat]'' Sorry for interrupting your interrogation. :'''Garnet''': Don't worry about it, Steven. :'''Pearl''': I swear, Peridot is gonna crack any second now. :'''Peridot''': I'll ''never'' crack for the likes of you, you… Crystal Clods! ''[laughs]'' :'''Pearl''': ''[angrily]'' Ooh, I got your clods right here, you little…! :'''Garnet''': ''[puts her hand on her shoulder]'' Hold on, Pearl. If she's not gonna be of any help, let's investigate this thing on our own. :'''Steven''': I'll come with you. :'''Garnet''': Sorry, Steven. We're gonna need you to stay here and keep an eye on our…''guest.'' :'''Steven''': Really? :'''Amethyst''': Yeah. Make sure she doesn't try anything. :'''Pearl''': Don't worry. She's harmless without her limb enhancers. :'''Peridot''': I'M NOT HARMLESS! :'''Pearl''': Oh, hush up! <hr width=50%/> :'''Peridot''': These are the early attempts at artificial fusion. :'''Steven''': That's a lot of gem shards. :'''Peridot''': We were growing them here at this very site. But these were just prototypes for the final product, a singular giant artificial fusion, comprised of millions of gem shards…the Cluster. :'''Steven''': Peridot, you're saying there's a giant mutant gem the size of the Earth under us right now? :'''Peridot''': Oh, no. When it forms, it'll be much, much bigger than the Earth. Right now, it lies dormant, incubating in the Earth's core. But when it emerges and takes its physical form, it will destroy the planet. The prototypes are already emerging. The Cluster is next. If we can't get off this planet, we've got to stop the Cluster! I thought it'd be impossible, but now we have a chance. :'''Steven''': What is it? :'''Peridot''': ''[grabs Steven's shoulders and grins malevolently]'' It's you, Steven! ''[she and Steven climb out of the control room]'' Now that you're filled in, we can get to work! :'''Steven''': Uhh, how am I supposed to help? :'''Peridot''': Well, you have all the information that we need about Earth and its erratic behavior. Put that together with my expansive knowledge of the Cluster and we just might be able to stop it! :'''Steven''': No, Peridot, I don't think you get it! Just because I know how clouds work doesn't mean I know how to stop a giant mutant in the center of the earth! Besides, the only reason that I know anything about clouds and rain is because my dad told me. :'''Peridot''': What are you talking about? :'''Steven''': I used to be really scared of thunderstorms, just like you. Then Dad explained how rain and all that stuff works, then I wasn't scared of rain anymore. :'''Peridot''': Well, I'm sure you have other knowledge about how this planet works. :'''Steven''': Sure, but none of it's going to help us. If we want to stop this Cluster thing, we'll need help from the Crystal Gems. :'''Peridot''': I said I don't need them! Let's just warp me back to the bathroom, or whatever you call it, and we'll take care of this. If it looks really bad, then we can just ask this "dad" for help, right? === ''Back to the Barn'' === :'''Peridot''': What is that?! :'''Steven''': ''[speaking with the Cluster puppet]'' It's the Cluster. :'''Peridot''': It does not look like that. But it ''is'' real, and it can activate at any moment! :'''Amethyst''': What a cluster. :'''Garnet''': That abomination must be stopped. :'''Pearl''': But how? We'll need to build some sort of machine to take us to the center of the Earth, it'll have to- :'''Peridot''': ''[swats at Pearl, interrupting her]'' Hey! I wasn't finished speaking! What we ''need'' is to build some sort of machine to take us to the center of the Earth. <hr width=50%/> :'''Pearl''': All right. What we have here in the barn should be adequate enough for us to get started. First, I recommend we organize the component types, and assemble a rough blueprint based off what we have available. Sorry, Steven. It's a lovely drawing, but it won't look like this. ''[Steven stops spinning on the swivel chair, now frowning]'' :'''Peridot''': ''[examines piece of chalk]'' Hmm... Good. Yes, this is adequate. Thank you. You can go now. :'''Pearl''': ..Uh, what? :'''Peridot''': Hm? ''[beat]'' Umm, that will be all? ''[claps to her for a beat, whispers to Steven]'' How do you get her to leave? :'''Pearl''': Excuse me, I am not leaving. :'''Steven''': Yeah! She's gotta stay here to help us build the drill thing, right? :'''Peridot''': ''[laughs]'' No, no, you're confused. A Pearl can't build a thing like this. :'''Steven''': Why not? :'''Peridot''': Because Pearls aren't ''for'' this! They're... for standing around, an-and looking nice, and uh... holding your stuff for you. Right? :'''Pearl''': That's enough! If we're going to work together, you're going to have to listen to me. :'''Peridot''': Listen to you? ''[starts laughing, turns to Steven]'' Did you teach her to talk like this? :'''Steven''': What are you talking about? :'''Peridot''': She's a Pearl. She's a made-to-order servant just like the hundreds of other Pearls being flaunted around back on Homeworld. :'''Steven''': Wait... There's hundreds of Pearls?! :'''Pearl''': ''[nervous]'' Well... yes, but— :'''Peridot''': ''[holding Pearl's sash]'' And she looks like a fancy one, too. ''[Pearl gasps]'' :'''Steven''': Hundreds of Pearls... :'''Peridot''': So, who do you belong to anyway? :'''Pearl''': ''[grabs her sash away from her]'' Nobody!! :'''Peridot''': Then... what are you for? ''[Pearl recoils back]'' Well, you can belong to me for now. Ha! A Peridot with a Pearl? What would they say back home? :'''Pearl''': Now listen here, you tiny twerp! In case you've forgotten, you're on ''our'' turf now! And I didn't fight a thousand-year war for this planet's independence to take orders from the likes of ''you''!! :'''Peridot''': Excuse me? I am a natural technician and a certified Kindergartener. I was made for this! You were made to take orders, not to give them! :'''Steven''': Whoa, whoa, hang on, guys! Now, we can all agree that you are both good at building things, so... can't you just try listening to each other? :'''Both''': <big>'''''NO!!'''''</big> :'''Pearl''': I'm as good at building things as you! Better, even! :'''Peridot''': Hah! Name one thing you can engineer better! Go on! :'''Steven''': ''[whispers]'' Robots. :'''Both''': Hm? :'''Steven''': You should build robots. Giant robots! I see a race. A giant robo-race... with prizes. Giant robo-prizes! :'''Pearl''': You mean like a competition? :'''Steven''': Yeah! To see who's better at building stuff! :'''Peridot''': What are these robots you speak of? :'''Steven''': They're like those funky marble guys you were sending—only bigger, and you can ride them! ''[makes robot noises]'' :'''Peridot''': Hah! Building one of these robots will be easy! :'''Pearl''': Well, I can build one faster! :'''Peridot''': That's what you think! === ''Too Far'' === :'''Peridot''': ''[talking into a recorder]'' Log date 7 11 2. It's the third rotation of the Earth since commencements of a... collaborative approach to stopping the Cluster. :'''Pearl''': I've finished drawing up the blueprints for the drill head. Peridot, if you could come take a look at this? :'''Peridot''': Remind me again why I should listen to you? Oh, right. ''[plays recorder]'' :'''Peridot''': ''[thru recorder] "The Pearl here has developed an aptitude for engineering that I begrudgingly respect. But that doesn't explain the spontaneous singing... crying... singing while crying." [Amethyst laughs]'' :'''Pearl''': ''[to Steven] [annoyed]'' Why did you give her that? :'''Steven''': Well, we did destroy all her stuff. I thought it might help make her feel a little better. :'''Peridot''': ''[thru recorder] "Clod!" [fast-forwards] "Mighty clod!" [fast-forwards] "Running out of ways to say clod."'' :'''Garnet''': All right. I chased away those cows. Now let's get to work. :'''Peridot''': ''[to Garnet] [clears throat]'' Before we begin, would you mind unfusing? It's making me incredibly uncomfortable. :''[beat as Steven, Amethyst and Pearl nervously look to Garnet. The scene then cuts to Garnet leashing Peridot to a fence.] :'''Peridot''': ''[as Garnet walks away]'' What?! What'd I say?! :'''Steven''': Did we really have to do that? :'''Garnet''': Her having free reign of the place made ''me'' incredibly uncomfortable. <hr width=50% /> :''[Steven and Amethyst walk up to a leashed Peridot growling over a microwave]'' :'''Peridot''': I just need some sort of leverage optimizer... :'''Amethyst''': Leverage optimizer? :'''Peridot''': That's what I said. :'''Amethyst''': Ohhh! Ha! You mean you want a screwdriver? ''[laughing]'' :'''Peridot''': Do you have one or not? :'''Steven''': Uh... ''[hands a screwdriver]'' Why don't you just use this one? :'''Peridot''': Because it was outside my radius. :'''Amethyst''': He-hey... Hey, Peridot... ''[points to her nose]'' What do you call this? :'''Peridot''': A scent sponge. :'''Steven''': Huh? ''[Amethyst laughs some more]'' :'''Amethyst''': Okay... ''[opens her eye]'' what's this? :'''Peridot''': Vision sphere. :'''Steven''': Peridot, that's— :'''Amethyst''': Wait, wait, Steven! Peridot... ''[waves her fingers]'' these? :'''Peridot''': ''[getting annoyed]'' Touch stumps. :'''Amethyst''': ''[points to her foot]'' This?! :'''Peridot''': Gravity connectors. :'''Amethyst''': ''This''?! :'''Peridot''': '''THAT'S YOUR BUTT!!!''' ''[Steven and Amethyst laugh out loud]'' :'''Steven''': Oh, man, Peridot, you're killing me! :'''Peridot''': I am not! That would violate our truce agreement! :'''Amethyst''': No, no, no! You're funny! :'''Peridot''': Funny? <hr width=50% /> :'''Peridot''': The strangest thing is, Amethyst... you think you have to listen to them! ''[laughs]'' You are the one they should put you in charge! :'''Amethyst''': Ha! That's your best joke yet. :'''Peridot''': No, really. Pearl is a Pearl. Garnet is a fusion. I don't even know what ''he's'' supposed to be. :'''Steven''': Hey! :'''Peridot''': You're the only Crystal Gem that's actually a Gem! :'''Amethyst''': Uh... ''[laughs nervously]'' What? :'''Peridot''': You outrank everyone on your team. They should be listening to you. You're a strong, singular, fully-functional soldier, despite the fact that you're defective. :'''Amethyst''': ..Defective? :'''Peridot''': Well, sure. You're small. :'''Amethyst''': So? :'''Peridot''': Well, you're not supposed to be! Hold on, wait, wait. Let me guess. ''[points to Amethyst's hole]'' This— ''[runs to hole]'' This is the hole you came out of. Too small, too low, the exit marks look about 500 years newer than every other hole. Hmm... this place must have been empty when you came out. No wonder you have no idea what you're supposed to look like! :'''Steven''': Peridot... ''[Amethyst holds Steven on the shoulder]'' :'''Amethyst''': What was I supposed to look like? :'''Peridot''': Well, you're a quartz. They're huge, loyal soldiers. You should be twice your size. Broad shouldered, intimidating, but you simply stayed in the ground too long. :'''Amethyst''': Are you saying I'm wrong?! :'''Peridot''': ''[laughing]'' Gemetically speaking, yes. When you think about it it's also... ''[snickers]'' funny! ''[Amethyst feels more enraged]'' :'''Steven''': Amethyst? :'''Peridot''': Hey, soldier. Maybe you can help me get this hunk of drill off. :''[Amethyst violently slashes the drill head off of an Injector with her whip]'' :'''Peridot''': See? Look at that! You can do everything a normal quartz can do. Let's head back and shove this thing in Pearl's face! :'''Steven''': Amethyst? Are you okay? :'''Amethyst''': Don't worry about it. <hr width=50% /> :'''Pearl''': ''WE LEAVE FOR ONE SECOND AND EVERYTHING GOES OFF THE RAILS!'' :'''Garnet''': I blame the cows. <hr width=50% /> :'''Peridot''': ''[thru recorder]'' "''Log date 7 11 2. This entire planet is backwards. There hasn't been one instance of correct behavior exhibited by anyone of these Crystal Gems. I have concluded that they are all defective. But I am no better. I failed my mission and I'm now working with the enemy. And I can't even get that right. I have apparently "hurt" Amethyst's "feelings", which was not my intent. If I damaged my standing with the best Gem here, then I've made a serious mistake. I'm still learning. I hope you understand. I want to understand. I'm sorry. [pause] Peridot, Facet 5, end log.''" === ''The Answer'' === :'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Sapphire had been called to Earth by Blue Diamond, specifically to share her vision of the future. :'''Sapphire''': ''[enters her Diamond's palanquin]'' My Diamond, I have arrived. :'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Blue Diamond spoke… :'''Blue Diamond (Garnet)''': Sapphire, tell me what will happen here. :'''Sapphire''': I foresee the rebels attacking the Cloud Arena. Before they are cornered, they will destroy the physical forms of seven gems, including two of my Ruby guards, and myself. Immediately after my form is destroyed, the rebels will be captured. The rebellion ends here. :'''Blue Diamond (Garnet)''': Thank you, Sapphire. :'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Blue Diamond said, relieved. :'''Blue Diamond (Garnet)''': That's all I needed to know. :'''Sapphire''': I look forward to speaking with you again once I reform back on Homeworld. <hr width=50% /> :'''Rose''': ''[off-screen]'' Blue Diamond, leave this planet! This colony will ''not'' be completed! :'''Ruby Guard''': It's the rebels! :'''Various Gems''': Who are you?! Show yourselves! :'''Rose''': ''[floating from above Pearl]'' We… :'''Rose & Pearl''': …are the Crystal Gems! :'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' The attack was right on schedule. <hr width=50% /> :'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' The furious crowd closed in around Ruby and Sapphire. They'd never seen fusion of two different types of gems. :'''Various Gems''': Unbelievable! Disgusting! This is unheard of! :'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Blue Diamond's voice cut through the crowd. :'''Blue Diamond (Garnet)''': The rebels have fled. Sapphire, this is ''not'' the scenario you described. :'''Sapphire''': This is… not what I saw! I don't know what happened, I… :'''Ruby''': No! It was me! :'''Blue Diamond (Garnet)''': Clearly. :'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Said Blue Diamond. :'''Blue Diamond (Garnet)''': How dare you fuse with a member of my court? :'''Ruby''': Forgive me, I… :'''Blue Diamond (Garnet)''': You will be broken for this! <hr width=50% /> :'''Both''': ''Where did we go, what did we do?'' :''I think we made something entirely new'' :''And it wasn't quite me and it wasn't quite you'' :''I think it was someone entirely new.'' :'''Ruby''': ''Oh, um'' :''Well, I just can't stop thinking'' :'''Sapphire''': ''So, um'' :''Did you say I was different?'' :'''Ruby''': ''And you hadn't before'' :'''Sapphire''': ''Of course not'' :''When would I have ever?'' :'''Ruby''': ''I'm so sorry'' :'''Sapphire''': ''No, no, don't be'' :'''Ruby''': ''And now you're here forever!'' :'''Sapphire''': ''What about you?'' :'''Ruby''': ''What about me?'' :'''Sapphire''': ''Well, you're here too'' :''We're here together.'' :''Mm-m-m-m-mm'' :'''Both''': ''Mm-m-m-m-mm, hm-m-m-m-m'' :''Mm-m-m-m-mm'' :''Mm-m-m-m-mm...'' <hr width=50% /> :'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' I was back. I was someone and I didn't know who. But I felt I was getting the hang of my strange new form. ''[beat]'' And then I fell. :'''Fusion''': Ahh! ''[tumbling down a hill and crashes in bushes]'' Ouch... ''[a sword is pointed to her face]'' Aahh! Don't hurt her! Don't hurt... me? :''[pan up to see Pearl as the sword bearer]'' :'''Pearl''': It's you... the fusion. :'''Fusion''': We didn't mean to fuse! Well... well, we did this time. We'll unfuse! We-we'll... w-we'll... ''[Rose Quartz comes by]'' :'''Rose''': No, no, please. I'm glad to see you again. :'''Garnet''': And there they were—Rose Quartz, the leader of the rebellion and her terrifying renegade Pearl. :'''Fusion''': I don't... upset you? :'''Rose''': Who cares about how I feel? How ''you'' feel is bound to be much more interesting. :'''Fusion''': How I feel? I-I feel... uh, lost... and scared... a-and happy. W-Why am I so sure that I'd rather be this than everything I was supposed to be, and that I'd rather do this than everything I was supposed to do? ''[Rose chuckles and smiles]'' :'''Rose''': Welcome to Earth. :'''Fusion''': C-Can you tell me?! How was Ruby able to alter fate? Or, why was Sapphire willing to give up everything? W-What am I?! :'''Rose''': No more questions. Don't ''ever'' question this. You already are the answer. :''[Flashback story ends as Garnet concludes]'' :'''Steven''': So…what was it? The answer? :'''Garnet''': ''[whispers]'' Love. :'''Steven''': Wow… I knew it. :'''Garnet''': So did I. === ''Steven's Birthday'' === :''[Steven runs and hides to an edge of the barn; he de-ages into his normal state]'' :'''Steven''': Ohhh, geez! If I can just keep this up for the rest of my life, no one will suspect a thi— :''[he sees wide-eyed Amethyst and Greg staring at Steven for a beat; he drops a piñata stick]'' :'''Amethyst''': What are you doing?! :'''Steven''': ''[stammers]'' U-uh— well, what are ''[ages back]'' you doing? :'''Greg''': What are ''you'' doing to your body?! :'''Amethyst''': Woah, woah, woah... Have you been stretching yourself out all day?! :'''Steven''': No! I was just... slouching. :'''Greg''': Why are you doing this? It... really isn't like you. :'''Steven''': Because, Dad! I can't stay a kid forever! When Connie grows up and becomes president, what is that gonna make me? First Boy?! :'''Amethyst''': Steven, you can't just keep stretching forever. If you hold it too long, you could really hurt yourself. :'''Steven''': Yeah, well, I'm half-human so maybe it works different for me! We'll just have to wait and see, right?! :'''Greg''': ''[sighs]'' Steven... <hr width=50%/> :'''Garnet''': ''[trying to cheer up baby Steven but fails]'' My power means nothing to an infant. <hr width=50%/> :''[Greg, Connie and Amethyst (as a baby car seat for baby Steven) drive up in his van; Connie waves a maraca trying to calm down baby Steven]'' :'''Connie''': How can the Gems not know what to do?! :'''Greg''': You think they know the first thing about raising a baby? That was all me! But I don't get it. Driving always used to calm him down. :'''Connie''': But, how do we change him back?! :'''Greg''': I don't know! Look, Connie, let me take you home. I-I'll call you when this all this gets sorted out. :''[Connie turns to baby Steven babbling and crying]'' :'''Connie''': W-Wait, no! I wanna stay. :'''Greg''': Are you sure? :'''Connie''': Yeah! I just want to be there for Steven. Don't worry, Steven. It doesn't matter to me what age it seems like you are, I wanna hang out with you no matter what. Your dad still has to earn his car wash and the Gems have to do gem stuff, so I'll watch you when they're not around. I can come see you after I'm done training with Pearl, too. Doesn't that sound fun? ''[baby Steven holds onto her finger; coos happily]'' :'''Greg''': Look at that! He finally stopped crying. :'''Connie''': Well, that's a start. ''[Amethyst clears her throat]'' :'''Greg''': What's up, Amethyst? :'''Amethyst''': Baby Steven needs changin'. === ''It Could've Been Great'' === :'''Steven''': ''Life and death and love and birth'' :''And peace and war on the planet Earth'' :''Is there anything that's worth more'' :''Than peace and love on the planet Earth?'' :''Whoahh, come on and sing it with me'' :'''Peridot''': Sing? :'''Steven''': ''The words relate to the key'' :'''Peridot''': Key? :'''Steven''': ''If it's a pattern, if it's a pattern'' :''Then just repeat after me.'' :''Life and death and love and birth'' :'''Peridot''': ''Life and death and love and birth'' :'''Steven''': ''Now using mi-fa-mi-mi-fa-mi-ti-la!'' :'''Both''': ''And peace and war on the planet Earth.'' :'''Steven''': Yes, yes! That's it! :'''Peridot''': That's so easy. :'''Steven''': Yeah, but that's what's fun about it! You should write something, you should write a song. :'''Peridot''': About what? :'''Steven''': Whatever you're thinking. <hr width=25% /> :'''Peridot''': ''I guess we're already here, I guess we already know'' :''We've all got something to fear, we've all got nowhere to go'' :''I think you're all '''insane''', but I guess I am too'' :''Anybody would be if they were stuck on Earth with you.'' :'''Steven''': ''[laughing]'' Yes! ''Life and death and love and birth and'' :'''Amethyst''': ''Life and death and love and birth and'' :'''Pearl''': ''Life and death and love and birth'' :''And peace and war on the planet Earth.'' :'''Garnet''': ''Is there anything that's worth more'' :'''Steven''': ''Is there anything that's worth more'' :'''Peridot''': ''Is there anything that's worth more'' :''Than peace and love on the planet Earth?'' <hr width=50% /> :'''Steven''': Huh? Hey, Peridot, who is this supposed to be? :'''Peridot''': ''[runs up and gasps at the mural]'' It's Blue Diamond! Wait. Are they ''all'' here?! Ah, yes! There she is! :'''Steven''': Who? :''[They run up to the mural of Yellow Diamond]'' :'''Peridot''': Behold, Yellow Diamond! Isn't she magnificent? :'''Steven''': Wow! So, who are the Diamonds anyway? They seem like a big deal. :'''Peridot''': Are you joking me? The Diamonds are the Gem matriarchs! Together, they make up the Great Diamond Authority that governs Homeworld and all the outlying colonies! We live to serve them. ''[Garnet clears her throat and glares down at her in annoyance; nervously chuckles]'' I…I mean, we were all made to serve them, even though some of us don't anymore. <hr width=50% /> :'''Peridot''': This is so incredible! Only the most elite can enter these sanctums. We are literally walking in the footsteps of the Diamonds. :'''Steven''': They must really like stairs. :''[They enter an upstairs room with only a single mysterious object in the middle]'' :'''Steven''': Hey, what's this room? :'''Garnet''': ''[continues walking upstairs]'' It's not what we came for. :'''Amethyst''': Can we hurry it up? This place gives me the creeps. :'''Steven''': ''[as they reach the top of the moon base]'' We really are on the moon. <hr width=50% /> :''[Peridot brings up a hologram of Earth, which starts eroding to a hollowed-out version with a ring system as Steven and the Gems awe in shock]'' :'''Peridot''': Ta-da! A finished Earth colony. Wow, look at this! Eighty-nine Kindergartens, sixty-seven spires, a Galaxy Warp in each facet, efficient use of all available materials. What were you thinking shutting this operation down?! It could've been great! :'''Garnet''': No! You're wrong! :'''Peridot''': What do you mean? It's perfect. Look at it! :'''Pearl''': We ''are'' looking at it. :'''Amethyst''': Yeah, this plan stinks! :'''Garnet''': Completing this colony would have meant the extinction of all life on Earth! :'''Peridot''': But think of the good it would've done! The Gems that would've been made are empire expanded! :'''Pearl''': Rose Quartz believed all life was precious and ''worth'' protecting. :'''Peridot''': Well, if she wanted to protect it, she did a lousy job! There'd be no Cluster if the Earth had stayed a colony! Now there's no colony, and there's gonna be no Earth! So thank you, Rose Quartz, you doomed the planet! :''[Garnet, Pearl and Amethyst stare angrily at Peridot for a beat]'' :'''Steven''': Ohh-hoh-hoh! ''[nervously]'' Is there anything that's worth more than— ''[Garnet picks up Peridot]'' :'''Garnet''': You listen to me now. ''[summons gauntlet]'' You were talking about things that you do ''not'' understand. :'''Steven''': Garnet! Stop, please! It's not worth it. We're done here. Let's just go home. :''[Garnet drops Peridot on the seat and smashes the control panel with her gauntlet and the hologram dissipates; the Gems start leaving soon after. Steven sighs]'' :'''Peridot''': What'd I say? I'm just stating a fact. The rebellion didn't really save Earth, it just delayed the inevitable. :'''Steven''': ''[sighs]'' That's not the way they see it. They've spent thousands of years trying to protect the Earth. I thought maybe you finally understood why. === ''Message Received'' === :'''Peridot''': Wait! I— I wouldn't have called just to waste your time with a report. :'''Yellow Diamond''': You already have. :'''Peridot''': ''[nervously]'' No, I mean... The reason I called – the ''real'' reason... I believe we should terminate the Cluster. :'''Yellow Diamond''': ...''Why?'' :'''Peridot''': The organic ecosystem creates resources unique to this world. We can't sacrifice all that potential just for one geo-weapon! I'd like to tell you some plans I came up with to utilize the planet without disrupting the local— :'''Yellow Diamond''': I've heard enough! I don't care about potential and resources. :'''Peridot''': What? :'''Yellow Diamond''': I want my Cluster, and I want that planet to ''die''. Just make that happen. :'''Peridot''': ...No! :'''Yellow Pearl''': Huh?! :'''Yellow Diamond''': Are you questioning my authority? :'''Peridot''': I'm questioning your objectivity! My Diamond. :'''Yellow Pearl''': Well! ''[Yellow Diamond stands up]'' :'''Yellow Diamond''': You are out of line. :'''Peridot''': I just think— :'''Yellow Diamond''': I'm not interested in the puny thoughts of a Peridot. :'''Peridot''': But— :'''Yellow Diamond''': You have disrespected this channel and my time with your presence, and you would do well to— :'''Peridot''': But— :'''Yellow Diamond''': ''Shut your mouth!!'' ''[beat]'' You have failed at every stage of this mission! Your only chance to redeem yourself is to obey this simple order: You are to leave the Cluster to grow. It will tear apart the Earth, and I will take immense satisfaction in erasing that hideous rock off of our star maps! ''Is that clear?!'' :'''Peridot''': I won't do it!! I can tell you with certainty that there are things on this planet worth protecting! ''[Steven smiles]'' :'''Yellow Diamond''': What do you know about the Earth?! :'''Peridot''': ''[losing her temper]'' APPARENTLY MORE THAN ''YOU'', YOU... <big>'''''CLOD!'''''</big> ''[Yellow Diamond suddenly becomes incredibly livid at a petrified Peridot]'' Uhh... Peridot out. :''[She terminates communication; Steven and the Gems come out from hiding and happily congratulate Peridot]'' :'''Steven''': That was AMAZING! :'''Peridot''': ''[sweating and looking devastated]'' I can't believe I just did that... :'''Steven''': I was so wrong about being so wrong about you! :'''Peridot''': ''[still sweating and devastated]'' I can't believe I just did that...! :'''Garnet''': You thought you could change her mind. :'''Amethyst''': Yellow D got torn down by the "Peridactyl"! :'''Peridot''': ''[sighs and gives the communicator to Pearl]'' Can one of you take this? :'''Pearl''': Why? :'''Peridot''': Because it can be remotely detonated. :''[The communicator starts to glow red; Steven and the Gems panic while Peridot curls up into a ball on the ground]'' :'''Pearl''': How do we stop it?! :'''Garnet''': Just get rid of it! :'''Pearl''': Err, here, Amethyst! ''[passes it to her]'' :'''Amethyst''': ''WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH IT?!'' :''[She throws it to Steven, who bubbles it; Garnet punches it away into the sky, where it explodes harmlessly]'' :'''Peridot''': ''[still curled up]'' I thought I could reason with her... :'''Amethyst''': ''[grinning]'' Yeah, you ''REALLY'' made her mad. :'''Pearl''': ''[smiling]'' And then you insulted her to her face. :'''Steven''': ''[overjoyed]'' Do you know what this means?! :'''Peridot''': I'm a traitor to my Homeworld. :'''Steven''': ''You're a Crystal Gem!!!'' ''[hugs Peridot]'' :'''Garnet''': ''[smiling]'' Whether you like it or not. :''[Peridot starts groaning loudly as the camera zooms out to the whole of Earth]'' === ''Log Date 7 15 2'' === :'''Peridot''': Log Date 7 15 2. I can't believe I just did that! I disobeyed my orders and went against Yellow Diamond's wishes! I'm a traitorous clod! I never want to think about what I've done again! ''[stops recording, rewinds and plays the recording; laughs madly]'' And I called Yellow Diamond a clod! Right to her face! ''[falls to her knees]'' I called Yellow Diamond a clod. ''Right to her face.'' :'''Steven''': Uh, Peridot? Are you going to be okay? :'''Peridot''': ''[enthusiastically with a deranged smile]'' No! :'''Steven''': It's all going to work out. You're with us now. :'''Peridot''': You don't understand! I'm protecting a planet I was once trying to destroy! I used to follow every order, every rule. Now I'm a traitor. ''[cringes]'' A rebel! ''[eyes turn to stars] '''A CRYSTAL GEMMMMMMMMMMMM....''' ''[snickers]'' :'''Steven''': Well, that tape recorder seems to be helping. :'''Peridot''': '''NO IT'S NOT!''' ''[throws recorder at Garnet, who had just entered]'' It's a chronicle of my descent into madness!!! :'''Garnet''': ''[holding out recorder to Peridot]'' You dropped this. :'''Peridot''': Get it away from me! Give it to Steven. Return madness to its source! <hr width=50%/> :'''Peridot''': Log Date 7 11 2. The Steven has given me this Earth machine to replace my communicator log. It looks…extremely primitive. He also said he wanted me to stop calling him, "The Steven." :'''Steven''': It's just "Steven." :'''Peridot''': I said I'd call him whatever I want. ''[hisses viciously at him; Steven holds up his finger in her face]'' He told me that was rude. :'''Steven''': Rude. :'''Peridot''': I guess I'll him, "Steven." <hr width=50%/> :'''Peridot''': "Jokes." ''[opens up the joke book; clears throat]'' "Why did the chicken cross the road? The chicken wanted to get to the other side of the road." ''[laughs]'' What's a chicken? <hr width=50%/> :''[Steven installs a TV, inserts a VHS tape in it, and ''Camp Pining Hearts'' begins to start]'' :'''TV Narrator''': ''On the last episode of ''"Camp Pining Hearts"…'' :'''Paulette''': I don't care that you're on the yellow team, Percy. We can make this work! :'''Percy''': It's color war, Paulette. Doesn't that mean anything to you? :''[They lean in closer to kiss]'' :'''Peridot''': What is this strange ritual? :'''Steven''': Uh, that's um… :'''Peridot''': Are they attempting fusion? :'''Steven''': No, well, my dad told me during certain stages in your life-- :'''Peridot''': How could anyone indulge in this baseless drivel?! I'll have no part of it! ''[through recorder]'' ''Hour 78 of ''"Camp Pining Hearts."'' [repeating Percy's line] ''It's the color war, Paulette. Doesn't that mean anything to you?'' :'''Steven''': Uh, you've been here for a few days. Is everything okay? :'''Peridot''': I've just been… watching your previously recorded entertainment. :'''Steven''': Is that the same episode from three days ago? :'''Peridot''': There's more than one? :'''Steven''': Hmm... nah. Oh, you made a picture. ''[reaches a piece of paper before Peridot snatches it]'' :'''Peridot''': Picture?! This isn't just a picture, Steven! It's a complex chart cataloging the compatible characteristics between campers. Somehow, the rejects at Camp Clod fail to recognize the superior pair that is Pierre and Percy. :'''Steven''': Well, that's 'cause Paulette likes Percy. :'''Peridot''': Paulette? Ha! Paulette has ''no'' place in the camp's hierarchy. Now, Pierre-- Pierre is a brute! Pierre laid waste to the three-legged races. Pierre and Percy present the strongest battle formation. They'd destroy the camp! :'''Steven''': You got all this from one episode? :'''Peridot''': It's ''{{w|subtext}}'', Steven. Allow me to explain. ''[cut back to recorder held by Steven]'' ''Well, first of all…'' :'''Steven''': Ugh, I remember this part. ''[fast-forwards recorder as we see Peridot speeding through the entire session; Steven soon falls asleep with Garnet now sitting on the couch]'' :'''Peridot''': And that's why Percy and Pierre are objectively the best for each other! ''[Steven slumps down the floor; Garnet gives a thumbs up; tears up her complex chart, angrily]'' ''GRAHHH!!!'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Peridot''': Pearl really tries for some reason and I can appreciate that. Amethyst's company is entertaining as well, but the fused one… ''[sees Garnet for a long beat, she gives her a thumbs up]'' …eludes me. <hr width=50%/> :'''Peridot''': Why are you fused all the time?! :'''Garnet''': I'm Percy and Pierre. :'''Peridot''': ''[realizing]'' Ohhhhh! :''[Steven fast-forwards the tape recorder]'' :'''Peridot''': ''[through recorder] Okay, go.'' :'''Garnet''': ''[through recorder] Log Date seven fourteen two.'' :'''Peridot''': ''[through recorder] No, you say it seven one-''four'' two! [groans] Log Date 7 14 2. I have attempted a fusion with the fusion Garnet. I had hoped to gain a better understanding of fusion. Instead, I gained a better understanding of Garnet. :'''Garnet''': ''[through recorder] Wait, keep it on a moment. Steven, you probably shouldn't have listened to Peridot's logs, but I know your curiosity comes from a place of caring. You should give the recorder back to her now. She's going to want to keep it.'' :'''Peridot''': ''[through recorder] Wait, what?'' [[Category:Steven Universe seasons]] rlyrfnz1hy38taqpgw0sxloh6vw1o76 3153087 3153085 2022-08-10T01:54:19Z 162.197.99.132 /* The Answer */ wikitext text/x-wiki ---- :'''Seasons:''' [[Steven Universe (season 1)|1]] [[Steven Universe (season 2)|2]] [[Steven Universe (season 3)|3]] [[Steven Universe (season 4)|4]] [[Steven Universe (season 5)|5]] | [[Steven Universe: The Movie|Film]] | [[Steven Universe Future|Future]] | [[Steven Universe|Main]] ---- {{italic title}} The following is a list of quotes from the second season of ''[[Steven Universe]]''. === ''Full Disclosure'' === :'''Greg''': I saw the spaceship starting to leave and then it crashed and I came back and— ''[sees Steven's black eye]'' Ugh, your eye... But you're okay! I guess those jerks were no match for the Crystal Gems! :'''Steven''': No way! They were super strong! :'''Greg''': But you were able to beat them back? :'''Steven''': No, they totally stomped us! This warrior Jasper was super beefy and knocked me unconscious. Then they abducted me onto the ship because they wanted to take me away forever, and then we crashed the ship and I almost died! ''[Greg freaks out]'' :'''Greg''': W-What do they want with you?! :'''Steven''': They think I'm Mom. :'''Greg''': Ar-are more Homeworld Gems gonna come after you?! :'''Steven''': I— uhh... I don't know. Maybe? :'''Greg''': Steven, I'm supportive and very proud of you... and I'll be right back. ''[runs into his van]'' Gotta calm down. Where's my— ''[brings a series of CDs up front]'' Where's my relaxing music CD?! This one? ''[inserts CD; starts blaring loud metal music]'' Wrong one!! Stop!! Eject!! <hr width="50%"> :'''Ronaldo''': Oh! I see... You come up here to brood too! :'''Steven''': Brood? :'''Ronaldo''': Yes, Steven. That's just what people like us do. Suffer quietly, shouldering the knowledge no one else can bear. :'''Steven''': Hm. :'''Ronaldo''': As an aficionado of the weird yourself, you've probably noticed ordinary people fear the cold leaded anchor of the truth. The abyss is no Sunday swan ride. :'''Steven''': I know! My dad flipped out when I told him! :'''Ronaldo''': Sounds typical. But it's a good reminder. This is no easy path we've chosen here. There are... sacrifices. Look at them all down there, Steven. It's our duty to let those simple people live out their simple lives, without ever knowing the burden of being friends with us. :'''Steven''': At least we can be there for each other. :'''Ronaldo''': Is that giant hand from the sky sitting right in the middle of the beach?! I gotta get some of this for my blog! <hr width="50%"> :'''Amethyst''': Aw, come on! :'''Garnet''': No whining. We need to start cleaning up the debris. :'''Pearl''': Garnet's right. People are already coming back into town! :'''Steven''': We've got to keep them off the beach. If any humans got access to Gem technology, ''[shuts blinds]'' they could really hurt themselves. Maybe we should shut them out... for good. :'''Pearl''': You know... we did once have a fence. Let's get a new one—with barbed wire! :'''Amethyst''': This time, let's build a moat. I could be... ''[shapeshifts her head]'' the crocodi-i-ile!! Jazz hands! :'''Garnet''': No. :'''Amethyst''': Why not? :'''Pearl''': You always say you'll be the crocodile, but you never commit! :'''Garnet''': No fence either. :'''Amethyst/Pearl''': Garnet! :'''Garnet''': Steven needs to see his father and his friends. :'''Steven''': No, I don't! I can't keep clinging to the vestiges of my humanity. It's time I got serious. ''[his phone starts ring-toning again]'' Errh! :'''Pearl''': Steven, why is your communication device playing that song? :'''Steven''': It's Connie, trying to call me... but I can't face her anymore. :'''Pearl''': So... you're just going to ignore her forever? :'''Steven''': It's the responsible thing to do. :'''Amethyst''': ''[sees thru blinds]'' It's gonna be hard, 'cause she's coming up the steps right now. :'''Steven''': What?! === ''Open Book'' === === ''Joy Ride'' === :'''Steven''': Family stuff is tricky. :'''Buck, Sour Cream, and Jenny''': Mmhm. :'''Steven''': A few months back, my dad and the Gems grounded me from TV. :'''Buck, Sour Cream, and Jenny''': That's the worst. / Bummer. / No way! :'''Steven''': And then I found out that the Gems are alien rebels and that there are other Gems out in space that want us dead 'cause they think we're traitors. And they tried to take me hostage 'cause they think I'm my mom. And... maybe I kinda am? ''[sighs]'' I wish I could talk to Garnet, Amethyst and Pearl about it, but... I think they kinda blame me for my mom not being around. :''[Buck, Sour Cream and Jenny are in a state of shock for a beat. Jenny turns off the radio]'' :'''Jenny''': That's heavy. :'''Steven''': I guess. <hr width=50%> :'''Garnet''': Steven... you're ungrounded from TV. === ''[[w:Say Uncle (Steven Universe)|Say Uncle]]'' === :'''Steven''': What am I doing wrong? The Gems can all summon ''their'' weapons, why can't I? ''[desperately]'' Isn't there somebody who can help me?! <hr width="50%" /> :'''Steven''': Oh my gosh! Uncle Grandpa! You're really here, I can't believe it! I mean… I literally can't believe it. How is this even possible?! :'''Uncle Grandpa''': Don't worry, bro. None of this is canon. ''[pulls a real cannon out of Belly Bag]'' But this is! ''[launches his head like a cannonball with smoke trails spelling "APRIL FOOLS" and crashes into a ship with Lars and Sadie on it]'' :'''Lars''': Oh, no!! Our ship!! <hr width=50% /> :'''Amethyst''': Steven! :'''Pearl''': What's going on?! Who is this stranger? :'''Steven''': He's not a stranger, he's Uncle Grandpa! :''[Uncle Grandpa honks his nose]'' :'''Amethyst''': "Uncle… Grandpa"? :'''Pearl''': So that would make him Greg's brother… ''and'' father? :'''Garnet''': That would explain a lot. <hr width=50% /> :'''Pizza Steve''': Oh hey, it's just me, Pizza Steve—just the coolest and tastiest Steve who ever lived. :'''Steven''': Hi, Pizza Steve! I'm a Steve too! Steven Universe. :'''Pizza Steve''': ''Stee''-ven Universe... ''[pops out on top of Steven's hair]'' Come on, Uncle G. I've got two rules—no more than 40 or 50 vans, and only '''ONE''' Steve allowed! :'''Uncle Grandpa''': Yeah, but this Steven is special. :'''Mr. Gus''': Yeah. He's a Crystal Gem. :'''Uncle Grandpa''': Good mornin', Mr. Gus. :'''Mr. Gus''': What's up, Uncle Grandpa? :'''Steven''': Whoa, Mr. Gus! How do you know about me? :'''Mr. Gus''': I have a comprehensive knowledge of all magical denizens of the multiverse. I know ''ALL'' about the Crystal Gems. Come on, man, check this out. I even made my own Gemsona. ''[shows art of "Mr. Gusite"]'' My gem is on my tail, and my weapon is a fryin' pan. <hr width=50% /> :''[The Gems run frantically across the plot hole many times, stop for a breather]'' :'''Garnet''': There's got to be some way out of here. :'''Pearl''': ''[extremely panicked]'' WE'LL NEVER ESCAPE!! ''THIS'' IS OUR NEW ''HOME!!'' :'''Garnet''': Pearl, you're overreacting. :'''Pearl''': <big>'''I'M NOT OVERREACTING!!!'''</big> :''[Pearl runs around screaming until she crashes into Amethyst]'' :'''Amethyst''': Hey, where's Steven? ''[Pizza Steve walks in dressed like Steven]'' :'''Pizza Steve''': Lookin' for me, Pizza Steven Universe? ''[Pearl gasps, cowers behind Garnet]'' :'''Pearl''': That's not my baby! :'''Amethyst''': Ah, nice! ''[eyes on Pizza Steve]'' :'''Pizza Steve''': Whoa, hold on! :'''Amethyst''': ''Pizzaaaaaa!!'' ''[chases Pizza Steve offscreen]'' :'''Pizza Steve''': Don't eat Pizza Steve! ''[munching noises]'' :''[Amethyst walks back on, putting on Pizza Steve's sunglasses from out of her mouth]'' :'''Garnet''': Okay, I'm ready for this episode to end. :''[She stomps, causing the plot hole to crack and shatter, leaving them back at the beach]'' <hr width=50% /> :'''Steven''': ''[after finally summoning his shield; to Uncle Grandpa]'' I did it, Uncle Grandpa! I really did it! :'''Uncle Grandpa''': Yay. :'''Pearl''': Protecting HIM activated Steven's powers?! :'''Garnet''': He must really care about this stranger. :'''Amethyst''': I hope he didn't care about that pizza. :'''Steven''': Listen! It was a big, weird surprise when Uncle Grandpa showed up here today. We've never met anyone like Uncle Grandpa, but you can't just attack people you don't understand. You have to stick up for them, and listen to what they have to say. You guys always do that for me. :'''Pearl''': ''[blushing with tears in her eyes, feeling guilty and sorry]'' Steven, you're right. ''[cries]'' HOW CAN I BE SO BLIND?! I'M SORRY! :'''Amethyst''': I also apologize for Pearl. :'''Garnet''': Thank you, you taught us a valuable lesson, Uncle Grandpa. <hr width=50% /> :'''Uncle Grandpa''': Boy, that sure makes my eyes hurt. Now let's see here... ''[grabs a checklist revealing several other Cartoon Network protagonists]'' Dexter, Dee-dee, Blossom, Bubbles, Buttercup, Ed, Edd, Eddy, Billy, Mandy, Mac, Juniper Lee, Swat Kats, Flapjack, Finn, Oh! Steven! ''[checks off Steven's name]'' Now who's next? ''[Clarence's name is shown at the bottom of the list]'' === ''Story for Steven'' === === ''Shirt Club '' === :''[Steven rushes to the Beach House]'' :'''Steven''': Garnet! Amethyst! Pearl! :'''Garnet''': Steven! :'''Pearl''': What is it?! :'''Amethyst''': Whoa, where's the fire? :'''Steven''': It's an emergency! You have to help me take down all the shirts and stop Buck from making more! :'''Pearl''': Have the shirts come to life and and possessed the bodies of their wearers?! :'''Steven''': Uh, no! They just— :'''Amethyst''': Are people catching on fire when they put on the magic shirts? :'''Steven''': No! No, they're just— :'''Pearl''': Are the shirts destroying the wearer's will to continue on in this mortal coil, thereby shutting down Beach City!?! :'''Steven''': ''NOOOOO''!!! They're— they're just... using my art in a way I don't agree with. :'''Pearl''': Oh. ''[all Gems sit down]'' :'''Garnet''': Ah, we'll pass. :'''Steven''': What?! But— but I really need your help! :'''Pearl''': Steven, this sounds like a very abstract problem. :'''Amethyst''': It's not something we can ''punch''! :'''Garnet''': You must learn to help yourself. That's how you become stronger. ''[shades sparkle]'' :'''Amethyst/Pearl''': Good point, good point. / Oh, absolutely. :'''Steven''': But..! :'''Amethyst''': You figure something ''out'', Steven! :'''Pearl''': Yes! Why not dust off those conflict resolution skills? :'''Garnet''': Let your problem be known, then you can work towards an understanding. :'''Steven''': Oh... I'll make them understand. I'll make them all understand... ''[leaves]'' :'''Amethyst''': Eh, he'll be fine. === ''Love Letters'' === :''[Steven and Connie meet Jamie sitting on a log in the beach]'' :'''Steven''': Jamie! :'''Jamie''': Oh, hey, Connie and Steven. You guys come out here to stare at the ocean and think about life too? :'''Connie''': Uhh, no...? We came to, uh— :'''Jamie''': Yeah, life is crazy. One day, you're right here in Beach City delivering mail and then the next thing you know... you're on a bus to Kansas, following your dreams of becoming an actor. "Follow your dreams," they said. But no one said anything about all the rejection and sadness there was to be found. So many auditions day after day... So much rejection day after day... That's why I came back. ''[two seagulls crash into each other and fall into the sea]'' One more rejection would have destroyed my fragile heart. ''[sobs, chuckles]'' Sorry... sometimes I get caught up in the drama zone, you know? :'''Steven''': Yeah, right... Drama zone. :'''Connie''': Oh, by the way, we have something for yo— :'''Steven''': No, we don't! <hr width=50%> :'''Garnet''': I didn't mean to upset you. :'''Jamie''': Then will you go out with me? :'''Garnet''': No! :'''Jamie''': But I've loved you since the moment I saw you. :'''Garnet''': Love at first sight doesn't exist. Love takes time and love takes work. At the very least, you have to know the other person. And you literally have no idea who or what I am. ''[shades glimmer]'' :'''Jamie''': But I bloom for you like— like a... camellia... under moonlight? :'''Garnet''': No, you don't! ''[long beat]'' You make a very convincing lovesick fool. You convinced these children. ''[adjusts her shades]'' You even convinced yourself. ''[smiling]'' You're a fantastic actor. :'''Jamie''': ''[beat]'' ..What am I supposed to do now? :'''Garnet''': Start with local theater. ''[slaps Jamie's back, then walks away. Connie and Steven walk closer to him]'' :'''Connie''': Are you okay? :'''Jamie''': Yeah. That was some pretty solid advice. :'''Steven''': Were those more letters you wrote to Garnet? :'''Jamie''': No. That was the mail I was supposed to deliver on my last route. :'''Steven''': ''[beat]'' We'll help you pick it all up. :'''Jamie''': Thanks. === ''Reformed'' === :'''Garnet''': This is not a good choice for your form. :'''Amethyst''': Lighten up, Garnet. Can't you take a joke? :'''Garnet''': It's not funny. You've made yourself ridiculous. :'''Amethyst''': <big>'''''RIDICULOUS?!?!'''''</big> :'''Garnet''': Keep your voice down! The creature... :'''Amethyst''': Hrrr... You wanted me to be more like Pearl, and now I am!! :'''Garnet''': ''[low voice]'' Pearl would've taken her regeneration seriously! :'''Amethyst''': WHAT DO YOU CARE!?! MY FORM IS '''''MY'' BUSINESS!!''' :'''Garnet''': It's my business when it affects the strength of the team!! :'''Amethyst''': ..So what?! I'm not strong enough?! ''[gets dragged by the Slinker]'' :'''Steven''': Amethyst! :'''Amethyst''': '''ARE YOU SAYING... <big>I'M ''WEAK''</big>?!?!''' ''[poofs again; Steven catches her gemstone]'' :'''Steven''': Is it weird I'm getting numbed to this? === ''[[w:Sworn to the Sword|Sworn to the Sword]]'' === :'''Connie''': ''[fights off seagulls with her violin bow]'' Run back to your masters! Tell them we're not afraid of your kind! :'''Steven''': ''[chuckles]'' Thanks for saving my jam snack. Unfortunately, it's not safe from me. ''[munches it]'' You're such a good sword fighter, Connie. :'''Connie''': Really? I was just swinging this thing around. I don't really know what I'm doing, but I'd love to learn how to use a real sword! :'''Steven''': Oh! ''[gulps snack; starry eyes]'' Steven has an idea! :''[back at the Beach House]'' :'''Pearl''': You want me to do ''what''?! :'''Steven''': You should teach Connie to sword fight, she's already so good! :'''Connie''': Steven! :'''Steven''': But you are! Y-You helped me fight the robot floaty-thing, she took down that evil clone of herself, uh... those mean seagulls just now? :'''Pearl''': You're awfully young to begin something like this. But I suppose I was only a few thousand years old when I began fighting alongside Rose Quartz. ''[Connie raises her hand]'' Yes, Connie? :'''Connie''': Please! I want to learn! I mean, I don't know what'll happen in the future. But if something dangerous comes along... I don't wanna be a burden, I wanna help! I want to be there for Steven to fight by his side! The Earth is my home too. Can't I help protect it? ''[Pearl starts watering tears of joy]'' :'''Pearl''': Oh... okay... If that's how you feel... we should get started! :'''Steven''': Woo-hoo! ''[runs after her laughing]'' :'''Connie''': Wait, now? <hr width=50%> :'''Pearl''': All right, everything begins with your stance. Remember: :''[singing] You do it for him, and you would do it again'' :''You do it for her, that is to say, you'll do it for him.'' :''Keep your stance wide, keep your body lowered'' :''As you're moving forward, balance is the key'' :''Right foot, left foot, now go even faster'' :''And as you're moving backwards, keep your eyes on me.'' :'''Connie''': ''Keep my stance wide'' ("Good.") :''Keep my body lowered'' ("Right.") :''As I'm moving forward'' :'''Pearl''': ''Concentrate! Don't you want him to live?!'' :'''Connie''': ''Right foot, left foot'' :'''Pearl''': ''Yes, but put your whole body into it!'' :''Everything you have, everything you are'' :''You've got to give.'' :''On the battlefield, when everything is chaos'' :''And you have nothing but the way you feel, your strategy and a sword'' :''You just think about the life you'll have together after the war'' :''And then you do it for her, that's how you know you can win'' :''You do it for her, that is to say, you'll do it for him.'' <hr width=25%> :''Deep down, you know you weren't built for fighting'' :''But that doesn't mean you're not prepared to try'' :''What they don't know is your real advantage'' :''When you live for someone, you're prepared to die.'' :'''Connie''': ''Deep down, I know that I'm just a human'' ("True.") :'''Both''': ''But I/you know that I/you can draw my/your sword and fight'' :'''Connie''': ''With my short existence,'' ("Good.") ''I can make a difference'' ("Yes, excellent!") :''I can be there for him, I can be his knight.'' :'''Connie''': ''I can do it for him'' :'''Both''': ''You'd do it for her'' :'''Pearl''': ''Okay, now do that again'' ("Yes, ma'am.") :''You do it for her, and now you say'' :'''Connie''': ''I'll do it for him.'' <hr width=50%> :'''Amethyst''': ''[belly laughs]'' Wow, Garnet! That is the funniest thing I've ever heard! :'''Garnet''': Garnet, master of comedy. :'''Amethyst''': Hehehe... Yo, Steven. ''[pretend-yells]'' '''WHY ARE YOU STANDING THERE ALL SAD LIKE THAT?!?!''' :'''Steven''': W-well... Connie is taking sword fighting lessons from Pearl, but I think it's getting a little too serious. She wants Connie to do all this dangerous stuff for me. :'''Garnet''': That makes sense. :'''Steven''': What do you mean? :'''Garnet''': Back during the war, Pearl took pride in risking her destruction for your mother. She put Rose Quartz over everything — over logic, over consequence, over her own life. :''[Pearl and Rose switch to Connie and Steven, respectively. She charges at the enemy before cutting to Steven's horrified face]'' :'''Amethyst''': You okay, dude? :'''Steven''': I have to do something!! Thanks for telling me that, bye!! === ''Rising Tides, Crashing Skies'' === :'''RonaIdo''': I am now going to attempt to make contact with the mysterious, reclusive, ''[Steven comes out]'' and—ahh! :'''Steven''': Hi, Ronaldo! Uh, hi, Peedee. Is that a camera? :'''Peedee''': Yeah. We're making a movie about— :'''RonaIdo''': It's an investigative report, shot ''[[w:cinéma vérité|camera vérité]]''. :'''Steven''': Cool! :'''RonaIdo''': So... you wanna participate in a groundbreaking interview? :'''Steven''': Hmm. Only if ''you'' participate in a glass of fresh-squeezed lemonade! ''[walks back inside]'' :''[cue Ronaldo and Steven in the Beach House]'' :'''Steven''': Ohh, that giant hand? It was a spaceship coming to get us. :'''RonaIdo''': Us?! I knew it! Steven, we know too much! :'''Steven''': No, not "us" us. I-I meant me and the Crystal Gems. :'''RonaIdo''': Wait. So the hand wasn't here to snatch up humans for a human zoo? Or interfere with our subsidized Beach City wind farm?! Or thaw the cryogenically frozen pets of the one percent!?! :'''Steven''': Uh... no, I'm pretty sure it came to Beach City for me and the Crystal Gems. :'''RonaIdo''': Oh. So, if you and the Crystal Gems weren't here, we wouldn't have been attacked by the giant hand? :'''Steven''': Ohh-hoh-hoh! Definitely not. === ''Keeping It Together'' === :'''Pearl''': Garnet, you don't think Peridot would come looking for us, do you? :'''Garnet''': We weren't her priority. She was sent here to do something in the Kindergarten. :'''Pearl''': Do you think she's still going to try to reactivate it? :'''Garnet''': Mm. If she gets it back up and running, the Injectors will turn back on. :'''Steven''': Injectors? What're those? :'''Pearl''': You've already seen them. ''[projects hologram from her gemstone]'' Well, you've seen them disabled. If Peridot reactivates them, they'll pick right up where they left off, planting gems in the crust of the Earth, where they'll incubate and suck the life right out of the ground. We can't let Peridot restart Gem production here. If we do... ''[sighs]'' the entire planet will become… :'''Garnet''': Janked. :'''Amethyst''': Garnet! ''[laughs]'' That mouth! ''[sniggers]'' :'''Garnet''': Don't worry. We'll stop her. <hr width=50% /> :'''Steven''': We did it! Garnet? :'''Garnet/Ruby'''! So ''this'' is what Homeworld thinks of fusion! :'''Garnet/Sapphire''': We couldn't have known they would do this. :'''Garnet/Ruby''': ''This'' is where they've been…all the ones we couldn't find… they've been here the whole time! :'''Garnet/Sapphire''': Rose couldn't have known. :'''Garnet/Ruby''': This is punishment for the rebellion! :'''Garnet/Sapphire''': ''[breaking down]'' It's not our fault! :'''Steven''': Garnet! :'''Garnet''': S-Steven. :'''Amethyst''': ''[sliding down with Pearl]'' Yo! We're back. :'''Pearl''': Garnet, we lost Peridot. Her fingers were too fast for us. ''[two fused hands climb up on Amethyst and grabs them]'' Um… what are these things? :'''Garnet''': PUT THEM DOWN! :'''Steven''': Uh! :'''Pearl''': Wha...? ''[throws the hands away]'' :'''Garnet''': We need to poof and bubble all of them. We can't let any escape. ''[She poofs the hands as the screen turns black]'' <hr width=50% /> :'''Garnet''': What Homeworld did… taking the shattered parts of fallen Gems and combining them—those Gems weren't asked permission. Fusion is a choice. Those Gems weren't given a choice. It isn't right. It isn't fusion! <hr width=50% /> :''[Steven looks at Garnet as he takes the clothes out the dryer into the basket]'' :'''Steven''': What's it like... being a fusion? :'''Garnet''': You fused. :'''Steven''': I mean, like, all the time. Do you forget who you used to be? :'''Garnet''': You forget you were ever alone. You know when you fuse, you don't feel like two people. You feel like one being. And your old names might as well be names for your left arm, and your right. :'''Steven''': When you split up, is it like you disappear? :'''Garnet''': I embody my— I mean, Ruby and Sapphire's love. I always exist in them, even if I split apart. But the strength of that love keeps me together, so I can stay Garnet for a very long time. :'''Steven''': That's why you're so great! :'''Garnet''': ''[smiles]'' Ha. ''[Steven starts laughing, with a light blue colored sock being blown away]'' :'''Steven''': Oh, no! ''[Garnet catches it]'' :'''Garnet''': Don't wanna break up a pair. :'''Steven''': ''[holds peach colored sock]'' Yeah, you're right. ''[Garnet folds socks into basket]'' They belong together. === ''We Need to Talk'' === :''[Greg re-watches Pearl and Rose's fusion dance, practices and falls down]'' :'''Greg''': Ah, geez! How'd she get her legs to do that? ''[groans]'' :'''Amethyst''': Hey! ''[looks at face-to-face with Garnet]'' Are you dead? :'''Greg''': Wha? Uh, no, no. I'm alive. :'''Amethyst''': Whoa, cool! ''[jumps over Greg, runs to the TV]'' It's us from before! :'''Greg''': Yeah, I was just... trying to get my head around this fusion dance. :'''Amethyst''': A fusion dance ain't about your head! ''[laughs out loud]'' :'''Greg''': Wait... you guys are Gems. You gotta help me out here. I need to be able to fuse with Rose! :'''Garnet''': First, you need a gem at the core of your being. Then you need a body that can turn into light. Then you need the partner who you trust with that light. :'''Greg''': Metaphorically? :'''Garnet''': Literally. :'''Amethyst''': ''[whispers]'' Shh! Come on! I still wanna see him try! :'''Greg''': Ugh, so it's true. I really can't do it. ''[touches his face]'' I'm kidding myself with this! I'm never gonna be a Gem... ''[Garnet looks down and picks up a twig]'' :'''Garnet''': Amethyst... give us some privacy! ''[throws it far away]'' :'''Amethyst''': YEAH!! ''[scampers after it]'' :'''Garnet''': Let me tell you something, Mr. Universe. I think you can do it, but it won't work if you dance like Pearl. You have to dance like you. You have to fuse ''your'' way. Get open. Get honest. Invent yourselves together. ''[lowers her shades and winks left of her three eyes]'' That's fusion. :'''Greg''': EYE—think I get it. === ''Chille Tid'' === :'''Steven''': "Sleep is a curse, and yet a curse I need to live"—Steven Universe. ---- :'''Garnet''': Let me show you how it's done. ''(She falls over, stiff as a board)'' :'''Pearl''': That's pretty convincing. ---- :'''Steven''': Lapis! :'''Lapiz Lazuli''': No. I'm ''not'' Lapis anymore. We're Malachite now. === ''[[w:Cry for Help (Steven Universe)|Cry for Help]]'' === :'''Garnet''': It's as I feared. :''[The Communication Hub is glowing and shooting a beam of light towards the sky]'' :'''Pearl''': It looks like Peridot somehow repaired the Communication Hub. Well, at least some of it. :'''Steven''': So... we just gotta wreck it up again, right? (''to Amethyst'') You guys should form Sugilite! :'''Amethyst''': (''smiling a bit'') Yeah... Well, it's up to Garnet, I guess. (''smiling widely, to Garnet'') What do you say? ''[Pearl looks scared in the background]'' Shall we mash it up?... :'''Garnet''': No. :'''Amethyst''': But, don't we need to be huge like last time? :'''Garnet''': Last time was a disaster. Last time we fused, Sugilite went berserk. It's because of her that we can't even warp here anymore. (''takes off her visor'') I can be brash, you can be reckless. And we can both get carried away. So, for the time being, ''[She puts her visor back on and Amethyst's reflection can be seen in them]'' Sugilite is benched. What we need now is to be careful. ''[Steven gasps]'' It's you and me, Pearl. Let's fuse. ''[Pearl looks astonished as she begins to tear up]'' Don't cry, Pearl. ''[Pearl tries to not cry and quivers as she strongly breathes in through her nose, sniffling thickly]'' Come on, let's do this. :'''Pearl''': I'm right behind you. (''sniffling'') :'''Steven''': (''running towards them'') Woo-hoo! Fusion! Fusion! Fusion! Fusion! *sits to the left of Lion* (''Amethyst walks over'') :'''Garnet''': (''gemstones glow'') Ready. :'''Pearl''': (''grunts; stretches'') Hang on, it's been such a long time. ---- :'''Sardonyx''': Gooooood evening, everybody! (''struts over to Lion, Steven, and Amethyst and does a twirl'') This is the lovely Sardonyx! Coming to you ''a-live'' from the soon-to-be-former Communication Hub! How are y'all doin' tonight? :'''Amethyst''': (''sarcastically'') Great... :'''Steven''': (''gasps'') Giant woman! ---- :'''Amethyst''': ''Maybe you're better off with her / I think she's better for you / I forgot how great it felt to be us / Guess I got carried away. / I had to use you to make me feel strong / But I don't care about that now / I see a tower built out of my mistakes / And it all comes crashing down. / Is there something I can doo-oo / Is there something I can doo-oo-oo / Is there something I can doo-oo / Can I make it up to you?'' ---- :'''Amethyst''': Stop! :'''Pearl''': Is something the matter, Amethyst? :'''Amethyst''': You... you shouldn't. :'''Steven''': Pearl, we saw you. :'''Pearl''': (''shocked'') What? :'''Steven''': You need to tell Garnet it was you! :'''Garnet''': I don't understand. :'''Pearl''': I'm sorry. It's just... so much fun being Sardonyx with you. :'''Garnet''': ''[drops Pearl to the ground]'' ''That's'' why I couldn't see us finding Peridot. :'''Pearl''': Wait, let me explain! :'''Garnet''': You've been fixing the hub! :'''Pearl''': It really was Peridot! The first time. :'''Garnet''': You ''tricked'' me! :'''Pearl''': No! No, no, no, no! We just needed a reason to fuse! I just wanted to share a few more victories with you! :'''Garnet''': Those weren't ''victories''! :'''Amethyst''': Wait, Garnet! You know, we're so much weaker than you! Fusing with you is like our one chance to feel... ''stronger''! :'''Garnet''': Don't defend her! Peridot is out there somewhere and Pearl's been distracting us with... ''nothing''! :'''Pearl''': Garnet... :'''Garnet''': ''[angrily points at her]'' That's enough! ''[to Amethyst]'' Amethyst, fuse with me! :'''Amethyst''': But-! :'''Garnet''': (''clenching her fist'') Let's just get this over with. === ''Keystone Motel'' === :'''Steven''': Pearl! Where have you been?! :'''Pearl''': Looking for Peridot… For a few days straight. Steven, I know I might have… disappointed all of you. I know Garnet's very upset with me. But I'm going to prove to her that she can trust me again. ''[Garnet walks in through the front door]'' Oh! Garnet! I was just looking for Peridot! She's bound to be somewhere, right? Any new ideas? ''[Garnet says nothing and walks past her]'' I'm sorry ---- :'''Garnet''': ''[agitated, panting]'' Calm down... I don't feel like forgiving Pearl!... You don't understand, you must... If you're not going to listen, then you can just GO! ''[splits into Ruby and Sapphire]'' :'''Sapphire''': ''[calmly]'' We must move past this, Ruby. :'''Ruby''': ''[furiously]'' She ''lied'' to us so we'd form Sardonyx! She ''tricked'' us! Don't you feel used?! :'''Sapphire''': You're choosing to take it personally. :'''Ruby''': IT'S ''FUSION'', SAPPHIRE! WHAT'S MORE PERSONAL TO US THAN ''FUSION?!'' :'''Sapphire''': I know you're still upset... :'''Ruby''': Oh, so it's just me?! :'''Sapphire''': Of course not. Can't you see I'm completely engulfed with rage? :'''Ruby''': Well, it doesn't feel like it! :'''Sapphire''': The sooner we forgive Pearl, the better it will be for us all. :'''Ruby''': YOU'RE NOT AS ABOVE THIS AS YOU THINK YOU ARE! ---- :'''Sapphire''': ''[about Ruby, while she shakes the table]'' This will pass. She'll eventually just burn herself out. :'''Ruby''': ''[angrily]'' THAT'S WHAT ''YOU'' THINK! '''I AM AN ETERNAL FLAME, BABY!''' ''[flips the table]'' :''[while Greg talks to Steven, arguing with each other simultaneously]'' :'''Ruby''': You don't know me! :'''Sapphire''': How could I possibly not know you? We always fuse! We always fuse, what are you even going on about fusion? :'''Ruby''': Look at you! ''[laughing]'' You don't even know yourself! Ha! :'''Sapphire''': So don't act so ridiculous. :'''Ruby''': ''I'm'' ridiculous?! :'''Sapphire''': Yes, yes. ---- :'''Steven''': I was so happy when Garnet said she wanted to go on this trip with me and Dad! Home's been awful! Here's been awful! I thought you wanted to have a fun time, but everyone's been acting awful too! It... it just came with us! I don't understand! Is it... is it me? :'''Ruby''': ...No! Steven, it's all us! :'''Sapphire''': But we made him feel like it was his fault... I keep looking into the future, when all of this has already been solved, as if it doesn't matter how you feel in the present! ''[starting to cry]'' No wonder you think I don't care...! :'''Ruby''': Sapphire... No, nonononono! This is all my fault, I... I didn't want to look for a solution, I... I just wanted to be mad! You're right! You're always right! I was being stupid! :'''Sapphire''': I don't think you're stupid! :'''Ruby''': I'm... sorry. ''[gently brushes Sapphire's hair aside, revealing her sad eye]'' :'''Sapphire''': You honestly think I'm not upset about what happened? I was just... trying to do the right thing. :'''Ruby''': I know... ''[starts smiling]'' You know what's nice about being split up? :'''Sapphire''': What? :'''Ruby''': I get to look at you... :'''Sapphire''': ''[pushes her off, laughing]'' Be serious! :'''Ruby''': ''[hugs Sapphire]'' There's my Laughy Sapphy! :'''Sapphire''': Shh! You're embarrassing me in front of Steven! ''[cut to Steven, feeling awkward at the scene]'' === ''Historical Friction'' === :'''Steven''': Hey, Pearl! ''[sees a desolate Pearl sitting on the couch, looking at the ceiling]'' Pearl? :'''Pearl''': ''[jumps up]'' Steven! You're back! :'''Steven''': Yeah... ''[sits down]'' Show business is rough. :'''Pearl''': Is there something I can help you with? :'''Steven''': Not unless you can make William Dewey interesting. :'''Pearl''': How do ''you'' know William Dewey? :'''Steven''': I'm gonna be him in this play! But he's totally boring! He's perfect and he never makes mistakes. :'''Pearl''': ''[sigh]'' Wish I could say the same for myself. :'''Steven''': Yeah, but nobody's like that! Everybody gets stuff wrong, and then you have to keep going and it's hard, which is why it's great when you never stop trying! :'''Pearl''': ..When did you get so smart? === ''Friend Ship'' === :''[Steven and the Gems enter a room in the ship. Peridot appears on a projected screen]'' :'''Peridot''': ''[laughs]'' You Gems really are as dull as dirt! :'''Pearl''': You're the dull one if you thing you can fly this wreck! :'''Peridot''': ''[pauses]'' What? Can you speak louder? Some of these communicators are gunked up. :'''Steven''': ''[cleans off a microphone, speaks into it]'' Pearl says ''you're'' the dull one if you think you can fly this wreck! :'''Peridot''': ''[waits for Steven's response to come through] [laughs]'' Fly? I'm not using this vessel to fly. I'm using it to '''''TRAP YOU!''''' ''[a door closes, trapping Steven and the Gems in the room]'' Isn't this nice? No more Crystal Gems running around, messing with my plans, destroying my things. Looks like I've got you just where I want you. How does it feel to be so easily outsmarted, you '''''CLODS?!''''' :'''Pearl''': No... :'''Amethyst''': ''[speaks into the microphone]'' Hey, uh, this is Amethyst. I don't appreciate being called a clod, you clo- :'''Peridot''': Enough talk! Prepare yourselves for annihilation! ''[dramatically hits a button]'' Hiyah! ''[nothing happens, hits it again]'' Hiyah! :''[the room's laser cannons activate and take aim at Steven and the Gems]'' :'''Peridot''': It works! Yes! '''''DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIIIIE!''''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Garnet''': Pearl, stop. That isn't helping. :'''Pearl''': I have to do something. I can't believe I walked us right into Peridot's trap. This is all my… ''[Peridot's hologram disappears as the ground starts to shake]'' fault? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Pearl''': ''[thru screen]'' Garnet… I'm sorry! :'''Amethyst''': Wait a sec! :'''Pearl''': Things weren't supposed to turn out this way... ''[inside, Garnet punches the wall again]'' :'''Garnet''': We'll get outta here somehow. :'''Pearl''': ''[sighs]'' That's not what I mean! I really wanted to catch Peridot to make up for what I did... ''[Garnet withdraws her gauntlets]'' I wanted to prove to you that... that everything could go back to normal... :'''Garnet''': Catching Peridot won't make things go back to normal. ''[thru screen]'' This isn't about Peridot. :'''Amethyst''': Hey... they're actually talking! :'''Steven''': Now they can finally work things out! :''[soon, the gears start to activate and turn and start closing into the trapped two]'' :'''Amethyst''': Not if they get crushed! :''[both Garnet and Pearl push their unflinching sides]'' :'''Pearl''': Please! Tell me! How can I make you forgive me?! :'''Garnet''': You can't! You lied to me! You need to learn that there are consequences to your actions! :'''Pearl''': I'm sorry! I... I couldn't help myself! :'''Garnet''': ''[kicks opposite side of wall next to Pearl]'' I don't want to hear your excuses! :'''Pearl''': But it's true! No matter how hard I try to be strong like you, I'm just a Pearl. I'm useless on my own. ''[cries]'' I need someone to tell me what to do. :''[the walls suddenly stop moving; Both Amethyst and Steven pull her whip on its gears in its place. Garnet and Pearl pause for a beat]'' :'''Pearl''': When we fuse, I can feel what it's like to be you. Confident and secure, and complete. You're perfect. You're the perfect relationship. You're always together, I just... I wanted to be a part of that. :'''Garnet''': You're wrong! I'm not as strong as you think. I fell apart over this. Ruby and Sapphire were in turmoil over how you deceived me. ''[thru screen]'' I came undone. :'''Amethyst''': Whoa, that really happened? :'''Steven''': ''[nods]'' Hm. :'''Garnet''': It's not easy being in control. I have weaknesses too, but I choose not to let them consume me. I struggle to stay strong because I know the impact I have on everyone. Please understand, Pearl. ''[thru screen]'' You have an impact too. ''[inside]'' There are times when I look up to you for strength. You are your ''own'' gem. You control your destiny. Not me, not Rose, not Steven. But you must choose to be strong, so we can move forward. So I can trust you again. :'''Pearl''': I understand. I can't give up anymore! :'''Garnet''': Good. === ''Nightmare Hospital'' === :'''Dr. Maheswaran''': ''[sighs]'' I had a rough day at work and I'm not in the mood for any more surprises. :'''Connie''': Whatsyjf happened at work? :'''Dr. Maheswaran''': There was a really strange case at the hospital today, straight out of a ''nightmare''. ''[beat]'' Oh, don't worry, the rules of doctor-patient confidentiality keep me from sharing the graphic details, but... Hang on a moment. When did we get a coat rack? :'''Connie''': Oh, no... :'''Dr. Maheswaran''': A ''SWORD''?! Connie, where did you get this?! :'''Steven''': I-it's— :'''Connie''': I found it! I just... found it outside and I wanted to show it to Steven. :'''Dr. Maheswaran''': How could you possibly think this is okay?! :'''Connie''': It's— :'''Dr. Maheswaran''': Do you know how many children I see everyday in the hospital who've cut their faces off playing with swords?! :'''Connie''': I— :'''Dr. Maheswaran''': NONE!! Because they all have parents who love them, and who don't let them play around with deadly weapons like some kind of gang member! No playing with swords, under any circumstances! ''[her cell phone rings, answers it]'' This is Dr. Maheswaran. Yes, calm down, Stromberg. Another one? :'''Steven''': ''[to Connie]'' Is she gonna give it back? :'''Dr. Maheswaran''': All right, I'll-I'll be right there. ''[zips sword in duffle bag]'' I have to go to the hospital. I'll have a talk with your father to calculate just how grounded you are. ''[leaves, comes back]'' And we're using the abacus! ''[leaves again]'' :'''Connie''': I ''hate'' that abacus. Steven, I'm so sorry. She took your mother's sword! :'''Steven''': Maybe we can get her to change her mind? :'''Connie''': She never ''ever'' changes her mind. We've got to get that sword back ourselves. <hr width=50%> :'''Connie''': Mom... I'm really sorry about lying to you. It started off as a tiny secret, and then I felt like if I didn't hide it, you wouldn't let me see Steven ever again. :'''Dr. Maheswaran''': Is that how you feel? Are we too controlling? :'''Connie''': ..Maybe. :'''Dr. Maheswaran''': I just wanted to be a good mother. I... I just wanted to protect you. :'''Connie''': I can protect myself now! ''[Dr. Maheswaran pauses for a long beat, sighs]'' :'''Dr. Maheswaran''': Okay. ''[Connie winces]'' We'll... pull back on the rules, and I'll try to keep an open mind about ''[Connie's lenses]'' this, and ''[Lion]'' that, and... him. ''[Steven stays frightened]'' It scares me that you can't talk to me. I need to know what's happening in your life. I... I need to step in when you're in over your head. Would you just promise me you'll stop all this lying? :'''Connie''': ''[beat]'' That's a rule. ''[they embrace each other]'' :'''Dr. Maheswaran''': I love you, honey. :'''Connie''': I love you too, Mom. === ''Sadie's Song'' === :'''Sadie''': Please, Mom. Don't make me do this. :'''Barb''': Make you? You said you wanted to sing. :'''Sadie''': Yeah! I did! I did! I did, I did. Just like I say lots of things like, "Hey, Mom. Swimming looks fun", then bam! Suddenly, I'm anchoring a 400 meter relay for the Beach City Seals. "Hey, Mom. I thought signing up for softball would be nice." 6 birthdays later, I'm still getting nothing but kneepads and batting helmets. "Hey, Mom. I wanna sing at this year's Beachapalooza", and what do I get? THIS! I just thought, for once, I get to do things my way, but you came in and took over everything like you always do. :'''Barb''': I just wanted everyone to know how talented my daughter is. :'''Sadie''': THIS is not your daughter. :'''Barb''': ''[stunned]'' I'm sorry. === ''Catch and Release'' === :'''Steven''': ''[getting padded by Peridot]'' Why are you acting like this?! :'''Peridot''': You smashed me into a limbless cloud, you trapped me in your bubble dungeon, and you called me... ''cute''! ''[Steven evades her punch, face-flat on the floor]'' :'''Steven''': I didn't poof you! I freed you! ''[Peridot turns back]'' :'''Peridot''': Why would you make such a miscalculation? :'''Steven''': Back at the warp pad, what were you trying to say? Why do we need you? What do you know? :'''Peridot''': What do I know? Everything there is to know about the Cluster, you pebble! :'''Steven''': Cluster? Wait, pebble? :'''Peridot''': My mission. The reason why I'm on this sad rock in the first place! I was to check progress on the Cluster! Just in and out, before it hatches. I wasn't supposed to get stuck here! But now it's going to emerge and nothing can stop it, and we'll all be shattered!! :'''Steven''': Okay, okay, wait, slow down. Now, from the top—emerging, hatching, Clusters? :'''Peridot''': You wanna know? :'''Steven''': Yes. :'''Peridot''': You ''really'' wanna know? :'''Steven''': Yes? <hr width=50%/> :'''Peridot''': ''[in bathroom]'' Hmm... Seems I've discovered some sort of archaic... think chamber. Roomy, with a fresh hint of Earth citrus. ''[lifts toilet seat]'' A perfect crossroads for my escape. :'''Amethyst''': ''[fiddling the bathroom doorknob]'' It's locked. :'''Garnet''': Peridot, open the door! ''[flushing sounds are heard]'' :'''Amethyst''': Uh, if you're trying to flush yourself down the toilet, it ''won't'' work. ''[cut to Peridot spinning inside the toilet bowl]'' Trust me, I've tried. :'''Pearl''': How did she get out?! We bubbled her! :'''Amethyst''': Maybe we needed a bigger bubble. :'''Garnet''': My bubbles are fine. :'''Steven''': ''[sweating nervously]'' I did it. :'''Pearl''': ''[shocked]'' Steven, why would you do such a thing?! <hr width=50%/> :'''Garnet''': I'm tired of playing these games. If we can't fight her, fine. We'll talk. Peridot! :'''Peridot''': ''[slips off the sink]'' Whoa! :'''Garnet''': All right, no more fighting. Let's just have a civil conversation. :'''Peridot''': As if I'd negotiate with you, filthy war machine! :'''Garnet''': ''[summons gauntlets]'' Okay, let's kick her butt. :'''Steven''': Wait! :'''Peridot''': Yeah! Destroy me again! ''[hangs on bath curtain pole with a plunger]'' And have fun trying to talk to me when I'm in a ''bubble''! ''[almost slips off]'' :'''Pearl''': I really hate to say it, but unfortunately if she has information, she's more valuable to us like… this. :'''Garnet''': This is going to be tricky. ''[hear knobs turning, water splashing]'' :'''Peridot''': H-h-hot hot hot!! :'''Steven''': You have to turn the knob the other way for cold! ''[later in the kitchen with the Gems]'' Wait, so we're just gonna let her live in my bathroom? :'''Pearl''': Well, yes. What other option do we have? Keep her outside on a leash? === ''When It Rains'' === :'''Garnet''': ''[banging on the bathroom door]'' Open the door, Peridot! If this "Cluster" is putting us in danger, you need to tell us what it is so we can stop it! :'''Peridot''': No! I hate you! I'm not telling you anything about the Cluster! :'''Amethyst''': Oh, come on. Is it like a big, hunk of granola? :'''Peridot''': What's granola? :'''Pearl''': I'm sure it's not granola. Now, Peridot, I'm sure we can reach some sort of agreement. Perhaps a trade is in order? :'''Peridot''': Oh, sure. Why don't you just give me back my leg enhancements and my arm attachments with my screen and my log and all my information. Oh, wait, YOU DESTROYED THEM! So, no, I don't think we can reach some sort of agreement! :'''Steven''': ''[flushing the toilet]'' Okay, Peridot, you can turn around now. ''[exits the bathroom, clears throat]'' Sorry for interrupting your interrogation. :'''Garnet''': Don't worry about it, Steven. :'''Pearl''': I swear, Peridot is gonna crack any second now. :'''Peridot''': I'll ''never'' crack for the likes of you, you… Crystal Clods! ''[laughs]'' :'''Pearl''': ''[angrily]'' Ooh, I got your clods right here, you little…! :'''Garnet''': ''[puts her hand on her shoulder]'' Hold on, Pearl. If she's not gonna be of any help, let's investigate this thing on our own. :'''Steven''': I'll come with you. :'''Garnet''': Sorry, Steven. We're gonna need you to stay here and keep an eye on our…''guest.'' :'''Steven''': Really? :'''Amethyst''': Yeah. Make sure she doesn't try anything. :'''Pearl''': Don't worry. She's harmless without her limb enhancers. :'''Peridot''': I'M NOT HARMLESS! :'''Pearl''': Oh, hush up! <hr width=50%/> :'''Peridot''': These are the early attempts at artificial fusion. :'''Steven''': That's a lot of gem shards. :'''Peridot''': We were growing them here at this very site. But these were just prototypes for the final product, a singular giant artificial fusion, comprised of millions of gem shards…the Cluster. :'''Steven''': Peridot, you're saying there's a giant mutant gem the size of the Earth under us right now? :'''Peridot''': Oh, no. When it forms, it'll be much, much bigger than the Earth. Right now, it lies dormant, incubating in the Earth's core. But when it emerges and takes its physical form, it will destroy the planet. The prototypes are already emerging. The Cluster is next. If we can't get off this planet, we've got to stop the Cluster! I thought it'd be impossible, but now we have a chance. :'''Steven''': What is it? :'''Peridot''': ''[grabs Steven's shoulders and grins malevolently]'' It's you, Steven! ''[she and Steven climb out of the control room]'' Now that you're filled in, we can get to work! :'''Steven''': Uhh, how am I supposed to help? :'''Peridot''': Well, you have all the information that we need about Earth and its erratic behavior. Put that together with my expansive knowledge of the Cluster and we just might be able to stop it! :'''Steven''': No, Peridot, I don't think you get it! Just because I know how clouds work doesn't mean I know how to stop a giant mutant in the center of the earth! Besides, the only reason that I know anything about clouds and rain is because my dad told me. :'''Peridot''': What are you talking about? :'''Steven''': I used to be really scared of thunderstorms, just like you. Then Dad explained how rain and all that stuff works, then I wasn't scared of rain anymore. :'''Peridot''': Well, I'm sure you have other knowledge about how this planet works. :'''Steven''': Sure, but none of it's going to help us. If we want to stop this Cluster thing, we'll need help from the Crystal Gems. :'''Peridot''': I said I don't need them! Let's just warp me back to the bathroom, or whatever you call it, and we'll take care of this. If it looks really bad, then we can just ask this "dad" for help, right? === ''Back to the Barn'' === :'''Peridot''': What is that?! :'''Steven''': ''[speaking with the Cluster puppet]'' It's the Cluster. :'''Peridot''': It does not look like that. But it ''is'' real, and it can activate at any moment! :'''Amethyst''': What a cluster. :'''Garnet''': That abomination must be stopped. :'''Pearl''': But how? We'll need to build some sort of machine to take us to the center of the Earth, it'll have to- :'''Peridot''': ''[swats at Pearl, interrupting her]'' Hey! I wasn't finished speaking! What we ''need'' is to build some sort of machine to take us to the center of the Earth. <hr width=50%/> :'''Pearl''': All right. What we have here in the barn should be adequate enough for us to get started. First, I recommend we organize the component types, and assemble a rough blueprint based off what we have available. Sorry, Steven. It's a lovely drawing, but it won't look like this. ''[Steven stops spinning on the swivel chair, now frowning]'' :'''Peridot''': ''[examines piece of chalk]'' Hmm... Good. Yes, this is adequate. Thank you. You can go now. :'''Pearl''': ..Uh, what? :'''Peridot''': Hm? ''[beat]'' Umm, that will be all? ''[claps to her for a beat, whispers to Steven]'' How do you get her to leave? :'''Pearl''': Excuse me, I am not leaving. :'''Steven''': Yeah! She's gotta stay here to help us build the drill thing, right? :'''Peridot''': ''[laughs]'' No, no, you're confused. A Pearl can't build a thing like this. :'''Steven''': Why not? :'''Peridot''': Because Pearls aren't ''for'' this! They're... for standing around, an-and looking nice, and uh... holding your stuff for you. Right? :'''Pearl''': That's enough! If we're going to work together, you're going to have to listen to me. :'''Peridot''': Listen to you? ''[starts laughing, turns to Steven]'' Did you teach her to talk like this? :'''Steven''': What are you talking about? :'''Peridot''': She's a Pearl. She's a made-to-order servant just like the hundreds of other Pearls being flaunted around back on Homeworld. :'''Steven''': Wait... There's hundreds of Pearls?! :'''Pearl''': ''[nervous]'' Well... yes, but— :'''Peridot''': ''[holding Pearl's sash]'' And she looks like a fancy one, too. ''[Pearl gasps]'' :'''Steven''': Hundreds of Pearls... :'''Peridot''': So, who do you belong to anyway? :'''Pearl''': ''[grabs her sash away from her]'' Nobody!! :'''Peridot''': Then... what are you for? ''[Pearl recoils back]'' Well, you can belong to me for now. Ha! A Peridot with a Pearl? What would they say back home? :'''Pearl''': Now listen here, you tiny twerp! In case you've forgotten, you're on ''our'' turf now! And I didn't fight a thousand-year war for this planet's independence to take orders from the likes of ''you''!! :'''Peridot''': Excuse me? I am a natural technician and a certified Kindergartener. I was made for this! You were made to take orders, not to give them! :'''Steven''': Whoa, whoa, hang on, guys! Now, we can all agree that you are both good at building things, so... can't you just try listening to each other? :'''Both''': <big>'''''NO!!'''''</big> :'''Pearl''': I'm as good at building things as you! Better, even! :'''Peridot''': Hah! Name one thing you can engineer better! Go on! :'''Steven''': ''[whispers]'' Robots. :'''Both''': Hm? :'''Steven''': You should build robots. Giant robots! I see a race. A giant robo-race... with prizes. Giant robo-prizes! :'''Pearl''': You mean like a competition? :'''Steven''': Yeah! To see who's better at building stuff! :'''Peridot''': What are these robots you speak of? :'''Steven''': They're like those funky marble guys you were sending—only bigger, and you can ride them! ''[makes robot noises]'' :'''Peridot''': Hah! Building one of these robots will be easy! :'''Pearl''': Well, I can build one faster! :'''Peridot''': That's what you think! === ''Too Far'' === :'''Peridot''': ''[talking into a recorder]'' Log date 7 11 2. It's the third rotation of the Earth since commencements of a... collaborative approach to stopping the Cluster. :'''Pearl''': I've finished drawing up the blueprints for the drill head. Peridot, if you could come take a look at this? :'''Peridot''': Remind me again why I should listen to you? Oh, right. ''[plays recorder]'' :'''Peridot''': ''[thru recorder] "The Pearl here has developed an aptitude for engineering that I begrudgingly respect. But that doesn't explain the spontaneous singing... crying... singing while crying." [Amethyst laughs]'' :'''Pearl''': ''[to Steven] [annoyed]'' Why did you give her that? :'''Steven''': Well, we did destroy all her stuff. I thought it might help make her feel a little better. :'''Peridot''': ''[thru recorder] "Clod!" [fast-forwards] "Mighty clod!" [fast-forwards] "Running out of ways to say clod."'' :'''Garnet''': All right. I chased away those cows. Now let's get to work. :'''Peridot''': ''[to Garnet] [clears throat]'' Before we begin, would you mind unfusing? It's making me incredibly uncomfortable. :''[beat as Steven, Amethyst and Pearl nervously look to Garnet. The scene then cuts to Garnet leashing Peridot to a fence.] :'''Peridot''': ''[as Garnet walks away]'' What?! What'd I say?! :'''Steven''': Did we really have to do that? :'''Garnet''': Her having free reign of the place made ''me'' incredibly uncomfortable. <hr width=50% /> :''[Steven and Amethyst walk up to a leashed Peridot growling over a microwave]'' :'''Peridot''': I just need some sort of leverage optimizer... :'''Amethyst''': Leverage optimizer? :'''Peridot''': That's what I said. :'''Amethyst''': Ohhh! Ha! You mean you want a screwdriver? ''[laughing]'' :'''Peridot''': Do you have one or not? :'''Steven''': Uh... ''[hands a screwdriver]'' Why don't you just use this one? :'''Peridot''': Because it was outside my radius. :'''Amethyst''': He-hey... Hey, Peridot... ''[points to her nose]'' What do you call this? :'''Peridot''': A scent sponge. :'''Steven''': Huh? ''[Amethyst laughs some more]'' :'''Amethyst''': Okay... ''[opens her eye]'' what's this? :'''Peridot''': Vision sphere. :'''Steven''': Peridot, that's— :'''Amethyst''': Wait, wait, Steven! Peridot... ''[waves her fingers]'' these? :'''Peridot''': ''[getting annoyed]'' Touch stumps. :'''Amethyst''': ''[points to her foot]'' This?! :'''Peridot''': Gravity connectors. :'''Amethyst''': ''This''?! :'''Peridot''': '''THAT'S YOUR BUTT!!!''' ''[Steven and Amethyst laugh out loud]'' :'''Steven''': Oh, man, Peridot, you're killing me! :'''Peridot''': I am not! That would violate our truce agreement! :'''Amethyst''': No, no, no! You're funny! :'''Peridot''': Funny? <hr width=50% /> :'''Peridot''': The strangest thing is, Amethyst... you think you have to listen to them! ''[laughs]'' You are the one they should put you in charge! :'''Amethyst''': Ha! That's your best joke yet. :'''Peridot''': No, really. Pearl is a Pearl. Garnet is a fusion. I don't even know what ''he's'' supposed to be. :'''Steven''': Hey! :'''Peridot''': You're the only Crystal Gem that's actually a Gem! :'''Amethyst''': Uh... ''[laughs nervously]'' What? :'''Peridot''': You outrank everyone on your team. They should be listening to you. You're a strong, singular, fully-functional soldier, despite the fact that you're defective. :'''Amethyst''': ..Defective? :'''Peridot''': Well, sure. You're small. :'''Amethyst''': So? :'''Peridot''': Well, you're not supposed to be! Hold on, wait, wait. Let me guess. ''[points to Amethyst's hole]'' This— ''[runs to hole]'' This is the hole you came out of. Too small, too low, the exit marks look about 500 years newer than every other hole. Hmm... this place must have been empty when you came out. No wonder you have no idea what you're supposed to look like! :'''Steven''': Peridot... ''[Amethyst holds Steven on the shoulder]'' :'''Amethyst''': What was I supposed to look like? :'''Peridot''': Well, you're a quartz. They're huge, loyal soldiers. You should be twice your size. Broad shouldered, intimidating, but you simply stayed in the ground too long. :'''Amethyst''': Are you saying I'm wrong?! :'''Peridot''': ''[laughing]'' Gemetically speaking, yes. When you think about it it's also... ''[snickers]'' funny! ''[Amethyst feels more enraged]'' :'''Steven''': Amethyst? :'''Peridot''': Hey, soldier. Maybe you can help me get this hunk of drill off. :''[Amethyst violently slashes the drill head off of an Injector with her whip]'' :'''Peridot''': See? Look at that! You can do everything a normal quartz can do. Let's head back and shove this thing in Pearl's face! :'''Steven''': Amethyst? Are you okay? :'''Amethyst''': Don't worry about it. <hr width=50% /> :'''Pearl''': ''WE LEAVE FOR ONE SECOND AND EVERYTHING GOES OFF THE RAILS!'' :'''Garnet''': I blame the cows. <hr width=50% /> :'''Peridot''': ''[thru recorder]'' "''Log date 7 11 2. This entire planet is backwards. There hasn't been one instance of correct behavior exhibited by anyone of these Crystal Gems. I have concluded that they are all defective. But I am no better. I failed my mission and I'm now working with the enemy. And I can't even get that right. I have apparently "hurt" Amethyst's "feelings", which was not my intent. If I damaged my standing with the best Gem here, then I've made a serious mistake. I'm still learning. I hope you understand. I want to understand. I'm sorry. [pause] Peridot, Facet 5, end log.''" === ''The Answer'' === :'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Sapphire had been called to Earth by Blue Diamond, specifically to share her vision of the future. :'''Sapphire''': ''[enters her Diamond's palanquin]'' My Diamond, I have arrived. :'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Blue Diamond spoke… :'''Blue Diamond (Garnet)''': Sapphire, tell me what will happen here. :'''Sapphire''': I foresee the rebels attacking the Cloud Arena. Before they are cornered, they will destroy the physical forms of seven gems, including two of my Ruby guards, and myself. Immediately after my form is destroyed, the rebels will be captured. The rebellion ends here. :'''Blue Diamond (Garnet)''': Thank you, Sapphire. :'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Blue Diamond said, relieved. :'''Blue Diamond (Garnet)''': That's all I needed to know. :'''Sapphire''': I look forward to speaking with you again once I reform back on Homeworld. <hr width=50% /> :'''Rose''': ''[off-screen]'' Blue Diamond, leave this planet! This colony will ''not'' be completed! :'''Ruby Guard''': It's the rebels! :'''Various Gems''': Who are you?! Show yourselves! :'''Rose''': ''[floating from above Pearl]'' We… :'''Rose & Pearl''': …are the Crystal Gems! :'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' The attack was right on schedule. <hr width=50% /> :'''Sapphire''': Thank you, Ruby. You did your best. :'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Ruby suddenly realized what Sapphire meant. She'd known that Ruby would fail. Sapphire had accepted it. But Ruby… Ruby could not. :'''Ruby''': ''NO!!'' ''[charges at Sapphire, pushing her out of the way of Pearl's attack, causing them to spin into the air and accidentally fuse into Garnet for the first time]'' <hr width=50% /> :'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' The furious crowd closed in around Ruby and Sapphire. They'd never seen fusion of two different types of gems. :'''Various Gems''': Unbelievable! Disgusting! This is unheard of! :'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Blue Diamond's voice cut through the crowd. :'''Blue Diamond (Garnet)''': The rebels have fled. Sapphire, this is ''not'' the scenario you described. :'''Sapphire''': This is… not what I saw! I don't know what happened, I… :'''Ruby''': No! It was me! :'''Blue Diamond (Garnet)''': Clearly. :'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Said Blue Diamond. :'''Blue Diamond (Garnet)''': How dare you fuse with a member of my court? :'''Ruby''': Forgive me, I… :'''Blue Diamond (Garnet)''': You will be broken for this! <hr width=50% /> :'''Both''': ''Where did we go, what did we do?'' :''I think we made something entirely new'' :''And it wasn't quite me and it wasn't quite you'' :''I think it was someone entirely new.'' :'''Ruby''': ''Oh, um'' :''Well, I just can't stop thinking'' :'''Sapphire''': ''So, um'' :''Did you say I was different?'' :'''Ruby''': ''And you hadn't before'' :'''Sapphire''': ''Of course not'' :''When would I have ever?'' :'''Ruby''': ''I'm so sorry'' :'''Sapphire''': ''No, no, don't be'' :'''Ruby''': ''And now you're here forever!'' :'''Sapphire''': ''What about you?'' :'''Ruby''': ''What about me?'' :'''Sapphire''': ''Well, you're here too'' :''We're here together.'' :''Mm-m-m-m-mm'' :'''Both''': ''Mm-m-m-m-mm, hm-m-m-m-m'' :''Mm-m-m-m-mm'' :''Mm-m-m-m-mm...'' <hr width=50% /> :'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' I was back. I was someone and I didn't know who. But I felt I was getting the hang of my strange new form. ''[beat]'' And then I fell. :'''Fusion''': Ahh! ''[tumbling down a hill and crashes in bushes]'' Ouch... ''[a sword is pointed to her face]'' Aahh! Don't hurt her! Don't hurt... me? :''[pan up to see Pearl as the sword bearer]'' :'''Pearl''': It's you... the fusion. :'''Fusion''': We didn't mean to fuse! Well... well, we did this time. We'll unfuse! We-we'll... w-we'll... ''[Rose Quartz comes by]'' :'''Rose''': No, no, please. I'm glad to see you again. :'''Garnet''': And there they were—Rose Quartz, the leader of the rebellion and her terrifying renegade Pearl. :'''Fusion''': I don't... upset you? :'''Rose''': Who cares about how I feel? How ''you'' feel is bound to be much more interesting. :'''Fusion''': How I feel? I-I feel... uh, lost... and scared... a-and happy. W-Why am I so sure that I'd rather be this than everything I was supposed to be, and that I'd rather do this than everything I was supposed to do? ''[Rose chuckles and smiles]'' :'''Rose''': Welcome to Earth. :'''Fusion''': C-Can you tell me?! How was Ruby able to alter fate? Or, why was Sapphire willing to give up everything? W-What am I?! :'''Rose''': No more questions. Don't ''ever'' question this. You already are the answer. :''[Flashback story ends as Garnet concludes]'' :'''Steven''': So…what was it? The answer? :'''Garnet''': ''[whispers]'' Love. :'''Steven''': Wow… I knew it. :'''Garnet''': So did I. === ''Steven's Birthday'' === :''[Steven runs and hides to an edge of the barn; he de-ages into his normal state]'' :'''Steven''': Ohhh, geez! If I can just keep this up for the rest of my life, no one will suspect a thi— :''[he sees wide-eyed Amethyst and Greg staring at Steven for a beat; he drops a piñata stick]'' :'''Amethyst''': What are you doing?! :'''Steven''': ''[stammers]'' U-uh— well, what are ''[ages back]'' you doing? :'''Greg''': What are ''you'' doing to your body?! :'''Amethyst''': Woah, woah, woah... Have you been stretching yourself out all day?! :'''Steven''': No! I was just... slouching. :'''Greg''': Why are you doing this? It... really isn't like you. :'''Steven''': Because, Dad! I can't stay a kid forever! When Connie grows up and becomes president, what is that gonna make me? First Boy?! :'''Amethyst''': Steven, you can't just keep stretching forever. If you hold it too long, you could really hurt yourself. :'''Steven''': Yeah, well, I'm half-human so maybe it works different for me! We'll just have to wait and see, right?! :'''Greg''': ''[sighs]'' Steven... <hr width=50%/> :'''Garnet''': ''[trying to cheer up baby Steven but fails]'' My power means nothing to an infant. <hr width=50%/> :''[Greg, Connie and Amethyst (as a baby car seat for baby Steven) drive up in his van; Connie waves a maraca trying to calm down baby Steven]'' :'''Connie''': How can the Gems not know what to do?! :'''Greg''': You think they know the first thing about raising a baby? That was all me! But I don't get it. Driving always used to calm him down. :'''Connie''': But, how do we change him back?! :'''Greg''': I don't know! Look, Connie, let me take you home. I-I'll call you when this all this gets sorted out. :''[Connie turns to baby Steven babbling and crying]'' :'''Connie''': W-Wait, no! I wanna stay. :'''Greg''': Are you sure? :'''Connie''': Yeah! I just want to be there for Steven. Don't worry, Steven. It doesn't matter to me what age it seems like you are, I wanna hang out with you no matter what. Your dad still has to earn his car wash and the Gems have to do gem stuff, so I'll watch you when they're not around. I can come see you after I'm done training with Pearl, too. Doesn't that sound fun? ''[baby Steven holds onto her finger; coos happily]'' :'''Greg''': Look at that! He finally stopped crying. :'''Connie''': Well, that's a start. ''[Amethyst clears her throat]'' :'''Greg''': What's up, Amethyst? :'''Amethyst''': Baby Steven needs changin'. === ''It Could've Been Great'' === :'''Steven''': ''Life and death and love and birth'' :''And peace and war on the planet Earth'' :''Is there anything that's worth more'' :''Than peace and love on the planet Earth?'' :''Whoahh, come on and sing it with me'' :'''Peridot''': Sing? :'''Steven''': ''The words relate to the key'' :'''Peridot''': Key? :'''Steven''': ''If it's a pattern, if it's a pattern'' :''Then just repeat after me.'' :''Life and death and love and birth'' :'''Peridot''': ''Life and death and love and birth'' :'''Steven''': ''Now using mi-fa-mi-mi-fa-mi-ti-la!'' :'''Both''': ''And peace and war on the planet Earth.'' :'''Steven''': Yes, yes! That's it! :'''Peridot''': That's so easy. :'''Steven''': Yeah, but that's what's fun about it! You should write something, you should write a song. :'''Peridot''': About what? :'''Steven''': Whatever you're thinking. <hr width=25% /> :'''Peridot''': ''I guess we're already here, I guess we already know'' :''We've all got something to fear, we've all got nowhere to go'' :''I think you're all '''insane''', but I guess I am too'' :''Anybody would be if they were stuck on Earth with you.'' :'''Steven''': ''[laughing]'' Yes! ''Life and death and love and birth and'' :'''Amethyst''': ''Life and death and love and birth and'' :'''Pearl''': ''Life and death and love and birth'' :''And peace and war on the planet Earth.'' :'''Garnet''': ''Is there anything that's worth more'' :'''Steven''': ''Is there anything that's worth more'' :'''Peridot''': ''Is there anything that's worth more'' :''Than peace and love on the planet Earth?'' <hr width=50% /> :'''Steven''': Huh? Hey, Peridot, who is this supposed to be? :'''Peridot''': ''[runs up and gasps at the mural]'' It's Blue Diamond! Wait. Are they ''all'' here?! Ah, yes! There she is! :'''Steven''': Who? :''[They run up to the mural of Yellow Diamond]'' :'''Peridot''': Behold, Yellow Diamond! Isn't she magnificent? :'''Steven''': Wow! So, who are the Diamonds anyway? They seem like a big deal. :'''Peridot''': Are you joking me? The Diamonds are the Gem matriarchs! Together, they make up the Great Diamond Authority that governs Homeworld and all the outlying colonies! We live to serve them. ''[Garnet clears her throat and glares down at her in annoyance; nervously chuckles]'' I…I mean, we were all made to serve them, even though some of us don't anymore. <hr width=50% /> :'''Peridot''': This is so incredible! Only the most elite can enter these sanctums. We are literally walking in the footsteps of the Diamonds. :'''Steven''': They must really like stairs. :''[They enter an upstairs room with only a single mysterious object in the middle]'' :'''Steven''': Hey, what's this room? :'''Garnet''': ''[continues walking upstairs]'' It's not what we came for. :'''Amethyst''': Can we hurry it up? This place gives me the creeps. :'''Steven''': ''[as they reach the top of the moon base]'' We really are on the moon. <hr width=50% /> :''[Peridot brings up a hologram of Earth, which starts eroding to a hollowed-out version with a ring system as Steven and the Gems awe in shock]'' :'''Peridot''': Ta-da! A finished Earth colony. Wow, look at this! Eighty-nine Kindergartens, sixty-seven spires, a Galaxy Warp in each facet, efficient use of all available materials. What were you thinking shutting this operation down?! It could've been great! :'''Garnet''': No! You're wrong! :'''Peridot''': What do you mean? It's perfect. Look at it! :'''Pearl''': We ''are'' looking at it. :'''Amethyst''': Yeah, this plan stinks! :'''Garnet''': Completing this colony would have meant the extinction of all life on Earth! :'''Peridot''': But think of the good it would've done! The Gems that would've been made are empire expanded! :'''Pearl''': Rose Quartz believed all life was precious and ''worth'' protecting. :'''Peridot''': Well, if she wanted to protect it, she did a lousy job! There'd be no Cluster if the Earth had stayed a colony! Now there's no colony, and there's gonna be no Earth! So thank you, Rose Quartz, you doomed the planet! :''[Garnet, Pearl and Amethyst stare angrily at Peridot for a beat]'' :'''Steven''': Ohh-hoh-hoh! ''[nervously]'' Is there anything that's worth more than— ''[Garnet picks up Peridot]'' :'''Garnet''': You listen to me now. ''[summons gauntlet]'' You were talking about things that you do ''not'' understand. :'''Steven''': Garnet! Stop, please! It's not worth it. We're done here. Let's just go home. :''[Garnet drops Peridot on the seat and smashes the control panel with her gauntlet and the hologram dissipates; the Gems start leaving soon after. Steven sighs]'' :'''Peridot''': What'd I say? I'm just stating a fact. The rebellion didn't really save Earth, it just delayed the inevitable. :'''Steven''': ''[sighs]'' That's not the way they see it. They've spent thousands of years trying to protect the Earth. I thought maybe you finally understood why. === ''Message Received'' === :'''Peridot''': Wait! I— I wouldn't have called just to waste your time with a report. :'''Yellow Diamond''': You already have. :'''Peridot''': ''[nervously]'' No, I mean... The reason I called – the ''real'' reason... I believe we should terminate the Cluster. :'''Yellow Diamond''': ...''Why?'' :'''Peridot''': The organic ecosystem creates resources unique to this world. We can't sacrifice all that potential just for one geo-weapon! I'd like to tell you some plans I came up with to utilize the planet without disrupting the local— :'''Yellow Diamond''': I've heard enough! I don't care about potential and resources. :'''Peridot''': What? :'''Yellow Diamond''': I want my Cluster, and I want that planet to ''die''. Just make that happen. :'''Peridot''': ...No! :'''Yellow Pearl''': Huh?! :'''Yellow Diamond''': Are you questioning my authority? :'''Peridot''': I'm questioning your objectivity! My Diamond. :'''Yellow Pearl''': Well! ''[Yellow Diamond stands up]'' :'''Yellow Diamond''': You are out of line. :'''Peridot''': I just think— :'''Yellow Diamond''': I'm not interested in the puny thoughts of a Peridot. :'''Peridot''': But— :'''Yellow Diamond''': You have disrespected this channel and my time with your presence, and you would do well to— :'''Peridot''': But— :'''Yellow Diamond''': ''Shut your mouth!!'' ''[beat]'' You have failed at every stage of this mission! Your only chance to redeem yourself is to obey this simple order: You are to leave the Cluster to grow. It will tear apart the Earth, and I will take immense satisfaction in erasing that hideous rock off of our star maps! ''Is that clear?!'' :'''Peridot''': I won't do it!! I can tell you with certainty that there are things on this planet worth protecting! ''[Steven smiles]'' :'''Yellow Diamond''': What do you know about the Earth?! :'''Peridot''': ''[losing her temper]'' APPARENTLY MORE THAN ''YOU'', YOU... <big>'''''CLOD!'''''</big> ''[Yellow Diamond suddenly becomes incredibly livid at a petrified Peridot]'' Uhh... Peridot out. :''[She terminates communication; Steven and the Gems come out from hiding and happily congratulate Peridot]'' :'''Steven''': That was AMAZING! :'''Peridot''': ''[sweating and looking devastated]'' I can't believe I just did that... :'''Steven''': I was so wrong about being so wrong about you! :'''Peridot''': ''[still sweating and devastated]'' I can't believe I just did that...! :'''Garnet''': You thought you could change her mind. :'''Amethyst''': Yellow D got torn down by the "Peridactyl"! :'''Peridot''': ''[sighs and gives the communicator to Pearl]'' Can one of you take this? :'''Pearl''': Why? :'''Peridot''': Because it can be remotely detonated. :''[The communicator starts to glow red; Steven and the Gems panic while Peridot curls up into a ball on the ground]'' :'''Pearl''': How do we stop it?! :'''Garnet''': Just get rid of it! :'''Pearl''': Err, here, Amethyst! ''[passes it to her]'' :'''Amethyst''': ''WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH IT?!'' :''[She throws it to Steven, who bubbles it; Garnet punches it away into the sky, where it explodes harmlessly]'' :'''Peridot''': ''[still curled up]'' I thought I could reason with her... :'''Amethyst''': ''[grinning]'' Yeah, you ''REALLY'' made her mad. :'''Pearl''': ''[smiling]'' And then you insulted her to her face. :'''Steven''': ''[overjoyed]'' Do you know what this means?! :'''Peridot''': I'm a traitor to my Homeworld. :'''Steven''': ''You're a Crystal Gem!!!'' ''[hugs Peridot]'' :'''Garnet''': ''[smiling]'' Whether you like it or not. :''[Peridot starts groaning loudly as the camera zooms out to the whole of Earth]'' === ''Log Date 7 15 2'' === :'''Peridot''': Log Date 7 15 2. I can't believe I just did that! I disobeyed my orders and went against Yellow Diamond's wishes! I'm a traitorous clod! I never want to think about what I've done again! ''[stops recording, rewinds and plays the recording; laughs madly]'' And I called Yellow Diamond a clod! Right to her face! ''[falls to her knees]'' I called Yellow Diamond a clod. ''Right to her face.'' :'''Steven''': Uh, Peridot? Are you going to be okay? :'''Peridot''': ''[enthusiastically with a deranged smile]'' No! :'''Steven''': It's all going to work out. You're with us now. :'''Peridot''': You don't understand! I'm protecting a planet I was once trying to destroy! I used to follow every order, every rule. Now I'm a traitor. ''[cringes]'' A rebel! ''[eyes turn to stars] '''A CRYSTAL GEMMMMMMMMMMMM....''' ''[snickers]'' :'''Steven''': Well, that tape recorder seems to be helping. :'''Peridot''': '''NO IT'S NOT!''' ''[throws recorder at Garnet, who had just entered]'' It's a chronicle of my descent into madness!!! :'''Garnet''': ''[holding out recorder to Peridot]'' You dropped this. :'''Peridot''': Get it away from me! Give it to Steven. Return madness to its source! <hr width=50%/> :'''Peridot''': Log Date 7 11 2. The Steven has given me this Earth machine to replace my communicator log. It looks…extremely primitive. He also said he wanted me to stop calling him, "The Steven." :'''Steven''': It's just "Steven." :'''Peridot''': I said I'd call him whatever I want. ''[hisses viciously at him; Steven holds up his finger in her face]'' He told me that was rude. :'''Steven''': Rude. :'''Peridot''': I guess I'll him, "Steven." <hr width=50%/> :'''Peridot''': "Jokes." ''[opens up the joke book; clears throat]'' "Why did the chicken cross the road? The chicken wanted to get to the other side of the road." ''[laughs]'' What's a chicken? <hr width=50%/> :''[Steven installs a TV, inserts a VHS tape in it, and ''Camp Pining Hearts'' begins to start]'' :'''TV Narrator''': ''On the last episode of ''"Camp Pining Hearts"…'' :'''Paulette''': I don't care that you're on the yellow team, Percy. We can make this work! :'''Percy''': It's color war, Paulette. Doesn't that mean anything to you? :''[They lean in closer to kiss]'' :'''Peridot''': What is this strange ritual? :'''Steven''': Uh, that's um… :'''Peridot''': Are they attempting fusion? :'''Steven''': No, well, my dad told me during certain stages in your life-- :'''Peridot''': How could anyone indulge in this baseless drivel?! I'll have no part of it! ''[through recorder]'' ''Hour 78 of ''"Camp Pining Hearts."'' [repeating Percy's line] ''It's the color war, Paulette. Doesn't that mean anything to you?'' :'''Steven''': Uh, you've been here for a few days. Is everything okay? :'''Peridot''': I've just been… watching your previously recorded entertainment. :'''Steven''': Is that the same episode from three days ago? :'''Peridot''': There's more than one? :'''Steven''': Hmm... nah. Oh, you made a picture. ''[reaches a piece of paper before Peridot snatches it]'' :'''Peridot''': Picture?! This isn't just a picture, Steven! It's a complex chart cataloging the compatible characteristics between campers. Somehow, the rejects at Camp Clod fail to recognize the superior pair that is Pierre and Percy. :'''Steven''': Well, that's 'cause Paulette likes Percy. :'''Peridot''': Paulette? Ha! Paulette has ''no'' place in the camp's hierarchy. Now, Pierre-- Pierre is a brute! Pierre laid waste to the three-legged races. Pierre and Percy present the strongest battle formation. They'd destroy the camp! :'''Steven''': You got all this from one episode? :'''Peridot''': It's ''{{w|subtext}}'', Steven. Allow me to explain. ''[cut back to recorder held by Steven]'' ''Well, first of all…'' :'''Steven''': Ugh, I remember this part. ''[fast-forwards recorder as we see Peridot speeding through the entire session; Steven soon falls asleep with Garnet now sitting on the couch]'' :'''Peridot''': And that's why Percy and Pierre are objectively the best for each other! ''[Steven slumps down the floor; Garnet gives a thumbs up; tears up her complex chart, angrily]'' ''GRAHHH!!!'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Peridot''': Pearl really tries for some reason and I can appreciate that. Amethyst's company is entertaining as well, but the fused one… ''[sees Garnet for a long beat, she gives her a thumbs up]'' …eludes me. <hr width=50%/> :'''Peridot''': Why are you fused all the time?! :'''Garnet''': I'm Percy and Pierre. :'''Peridot''': ''[realizing]'' Ohhhhh! :''[Steven fast-forwards the tape recorder]'' :'''Peridot''': ''[through recorder] Okay, go.'' :'''Garnet''': ''[through recorder] Log Date seven fourteen two.'' :'''Peridot''': ''[through recorder] No, you say it seven one-''four'' two! [groans] Log Date 7 14 2. I have attempted a fusion with the fusion Garnet. I had hoped to gain a better understanding of fusion. Instead, I gained a better understanding of Garnet. :'''Garnet''': ''[through recorder] Wait, keep it on a moment. Steven, you probably shouldn't have listened to Peridot's logs, but I know your curiosity comes from a place of caring. You should give the recorder back to her now. She's going to want to keep it.'' :'''Peridot''': ''[through recorder] Wait, what?'' [[Category:Steven Universe seasons]] 297vdvb7qzkiyv1fu8juusukswvkdw4 3153088 3153087 2022-08-10T01:56:14Z 162.197.99.132 /* The Answer */ wikitext text/x-wiki ---- :'''Seasons:''' [[Steven Universe (season 1)|1]] [[Steven Universe (season 2)|2]] [[Steven Universe (season 3)|3]] [[Steven Universe (season 4)|4]] [[Steven Universe (season 5)|5]] | [[Steven Universe: The Movie|Film]] | [[Steven Universe Future|Future]] | [[Steven Universe|Main]] ---- {{italic title}} The following is a list of quotes from the second season of ''[[Steven Universe]]''. === ''Full Disclosure'' === :'''Greg''': I saw the spaceship starting to leave and then it crashed and I came back and— ''[sees Steven's black eye]'' Ugh, your eye... But you're okay! I guess those jerks were no match for the Crystal Gems! :'''Steven''': No way! They were super strong! :'''Greg''': But you were able to beat them back? :'''Steven''': No, they totally stomped us! This warrior Jasper was super beefy and knocked me unconscious. Then they abducted me onto the ship because they wanted to take me away forever, and then we crashed the ship and I almost died! ''[Greg freaks out]'' :'''Greg''': W-What do they want with you?! :'''Steven''': They think I'm Mom. :'''Greg''': Ar-are more Homeworld Gems gonna come after you?! :'''Steven''': I— uhh... I don't know. Maybe? :'''Greg''': Steven, I'm supportive and very proud of you... and I'll be right back. ''[runs into his van]'' Gotta calm down. Where's my— ''[brings a series of CDs up front]'' Where's my relaxing music CD?! This one? ''[inserts CD; starts blaring loud metal music]'' Wrong one!! Stop!! Eject!! <hr width="50%"> :'''Ronaldo''': Oh! I see... You come up here to brood too! :'''Steven''': Brood? :'''Ronaldo''': Yes, Steven. That's just what people like us do. Suffer quietly, shouldering the knowledge no one else can bear. :'''Steven''': Hm. :'''Ronaldo''': As an aficionado of the weird yourself, you've probably noticed ordinary people fear the cold leaded anchor of the truth. The abyss is no Sunday swan ride. :'''Steven''': I know! My dad flipped out when I told him! :'''Ronaldo''': Sounds typical. But it's a good reminder. This is no easy path we've chosen here. There are... sacrifices. Look at them all down there, Steven. It's our duty to let those simple people live out their simple lives, without ever knowing the burden of being friends with us. :'''Steven''': At least we can be there for each other. :'''Ronaldo''': Is that giant hand from the sky sitting right in the middle of the beach?! I gotta get some of this for my blog! <hr width="50%"> :'''Amethyst''': Aw, come on! :'''Garnet''': No whining. We need to start cleaning up the debris. :'''Pearl''': Garnet's right. People are already coming back into town! :'''Steven''': We've got to keep them off the beach. If any humans got access to Gem technology, ''[shuts blinds]'' they could really hurt themselves. Maybe we should shut them out... for good. :'''Pearl''': You know... we did once have a fence. Let's get a new one—with barbed wire! :'''Amethyst''': This time, let's build a moat. I could be... ''[shapeshifts her head]'' the crocodi-i-ile!! Jazz hands! :'''Garnet''': No. :'''Amethyst''': Why not? :'''Pearl''': You always say you'll be the crocodile, but you never commit! :'''Garnet''': No fence either. :'''Amethyst/Pearl''': Garnet! :'''Garnet''': Steven needs to see his father and his friends. :'''Steven''': No, I don't! I can't keep clinging to the vestiges of my humanity. It's time I got serious. ''[his phone starts ring-toning again]'' Errh! :'''Pearl''': Steven, why is your communication device playing that song? :'''Steven''': It's Connie, trying to call me... but I can't face her anymore. :'''Pearl''': So... you're just going to ignore her forever? :'''Steven''': It's the responsible thing to do. :'''Amethyst''': ''[sees thru blinds]'' It's gonna be hard, 'cause she's coming up the steps right now. :'''Steven''': What?! === ''Open Book'' === === ''Joy Ride'' === :'''Steven''': Family stuff is tricky. :'''Buck, Sour Cream, and Jenny''': Mmhm. :'''Steven''': A few months back, my dad and the Gems grounded me from TV. :'''Buck, Sour Cream, and Jenny''': That's the worst. / Bummer. / No way! :'''Steven''': And then I found out that the Gems are alien rebels and that there are other Gems out in space that want us dead 'cause they think we're traitors. And they tried to take me hostage 'cause they think I'm my mom. And... maybe I kinda am? ''[sighs]'' I wish I could talk to Garnet, Amethyst and Pearl about it, but... I think they kinda blame me for my mom not being around. :''[Buck, Sour Cream and Jenny are in a state of shock for a beat. Jenny turns off the radio]'' :'''Jenny''': That's heavy. :'''Steven''': I guess. <hr width=50%> :'''Garnet''': Steven... you're ungrounded from TV. === ''[[w:Say Uncle (Steven Universe)|Say Uncle]]'' === :'''Steven''': What am I doing wrong? The Gems can all summon ''their'' weapons, why can't I? ''[desperately]'' Isn't there somebody who can help me?! <hr width="50%" /> :'''Steven''': Oh my gosh! Uncle Grandpa! You're really here, I can't believe it! I mean… I literally can't believe it. How is this even possible?! :'''Uncle Grandpa''': Don't worry, bro. None of this is canon. ''[pulls a real cannon out of Belly Bag]'' But this is! ''[launches his head like a cannonball with smoke trails spelling "APRIL FOOLS" and crashes into a ship with Lars and Sadie on it]'' :'''Lars''': Oh, no!! Our ship!! <hr width=50% /> :'''Amethyst''': Steven! :'''Pearl''': What's going on?! Who is this stranger? :'''Steven''': He's not a stranger, he's Uncle Grandpa! :''[Uncle Grandpa honks his nose]'' :'''Amethyst''': "Uncle… Grandpa"? :'''Pearl''': So that would make him Greg's brother… ''and'' father? :'''Garnet''': That would explain a lot. <hr width=50% /> :'''Pizza Steve''': Oh hey, it's just me, Pizza Steve—just the coolest and tastiest Steve who ever lived. :'''Steven''': Hi, Pizza Steve! I'm a Steve too! Steven Universe. :'''Pizza Steve''': ''Stee''-ven Universe... ''[pops out on top of Steven's hair]'' Come on, Uncle G. I've got two rules—no more than 40 or 50 vans, and only '''ONE''' Steve allowed! :'''Uncle Grandpa''': Yeah, but this Steven is special. :'''Mr. Gus''': Yeah. He's a Crystal Gem. :'''Uncle Grandpa''': Good mornin', Mr. Gus. :'''Mr. Gus''': What's up, Uncle Grandpa? :'''Steven''': Whoa, Mr. Gus! How do you know about me? :'''Mr. Gus''': I have a comprehensive knowledge of all magical denizens of the multiverse. I know ''ALL'' about the Crystal Gems. Come on, man, check this out. I even made my own Gemsona. ''[shows art of "Mr. Gusite"]'' My gem is on my tail, and my weapon is a fryin' pan. <hr width=50% /> :''[The Gems run frantically across the plot hole many times, stop for a breather]'' :'''Garnet''': There's got to be some way out of here. :'''Pearl''': ''[extremely panicked]'' WE'LL NEVER ESCAPE!! ''THIS'' IS OUR NEW ''HOME!!'' :'''Garnet''': Pearl, you're overreacting. :'''Pearl''': <big>'''I'M NOT OVERREACTING!!!'''</big> :''[Pearl runs around screaming until she crashes into Amethyst]'' :'''Amethyst''': Hey, where's Steven? ''[Pizza Steve walks in dressed like Steven]'' :'''Pizza Steve''': Lookin' for me, Pizza Steven Universe? ''[Pearl gasps, cowers behind Garnet]'' :'''Pearl''': That's not my baby! :'''Amethyst''': Ah, nice! ''[eyes on Pizza Steve]'' :'''Pizza Steve''': Whoa, hold on! :'''Amethyst''': ''Pizzaaaaaa!!'' ''[chases Pizza Steve offscreen]'' :'''Pizza Steve''': Don't eat Pizza Steve! ''[munching noises]'' :''[Amethyst walks back on, putting on Pizza Steve's sunglasses from out of her mouth]'' :'''Garnet''': Okay, I'm ready for this episode to end. :''[She stomps, causing the plot hole to crack and shatter, leaving them back at the beach]'' <hr width=50% /> :'''Steven''': ''[after finally summoning his shield; to Uncle Grandpa]'' I did it, Uncle Grandpa! I really did it! :'''Uncle Grandpa''': Yay. :'''Pearl''': Protecting HIM activated Steven's powers?! :'''Garnet''': He must really care about this stranger. :'''Amethyst''': I hope he didn't care about that pizza. :'''Steven''': Listen! It was a big, weird surprise when Uncle Grandpa showed up here today. We've never met anyone like Uncle Grandpa, but you can't just attack people you don't understand. You have to stick up for them, and listen to what they have to say. You guys always do that for me. :'''Pearl''': ''[blushing with tears in her eyes, feeling guilty and sorry]'' Steven, you're right. ''[cries]'' HOW CAN I BE SO BLIND?! I'M SORRY! :'''Amethyst''': I also apologize for Pearl. :'''Garnet''': Thank you, you taught us a valuable lesson, Uncle Grandpa. <hr width=50% /> :'''Uncle Grandpa''': Boy, that sure makes my eyes hurt. Now let's see here... ''[grabs a checklist revealing several other Cartoon Network protagonists]'' Dexter, Dee-dee, Blossom, Bubbles, Buttercup, Ed, Edd, Eddy, Billy, Mandy, Mac, Juniper Lee, Swat Kats, Flapjack, Finn, Oh! Steven! ''[checks off Steven's name]'' Now who's next? ''[Clarence's name is shown at the bottom of the list]'' === ''Story for Steven'' === === ''Shirt Club '' === :''[Steven rushes to the Beach House]'' :'''Steven''': Garnet! Amethyst! Pearl! :'''Garnet''': Steven! :'''Pearl''': What is it?! :'''Amethyst''': Whoa, where's the fire? :'''Steven''': It's an emergency! You have to help me take down all the shirts and stop Buck from making more! :'''Pearl''': Have the shirts come to life and and possessed the bodies of their wearers?! :'''Steven''': Uh, no! They just— :'''Amethyst''': Are people catching on fire when they put on the magic shirts? :'''Steven''': No! No, they're just— :'''Pearl''': Are the shirts destroying the wearer's will to continue on in this mortal coil, thereby shutting down Beach City!?! :'''Steven''': ''NOOOOO''!!! They're— they're just... using my art in a way I don't agree with. :'''Pearl''': Oh. ''[all Gems sit down]'' :'''Garnet''': Ah, we'll pass. :'''Steven''': What?! But— but I really need your help! :'''Pearl''': Steven, this sounds like a very abstract problem. :'''Amethyst''': It's not something we can ''punch''! :'''Garnet''': You must learn to help yourself. That's how you become stronger. ''[shades sparkle]'' :'''Amethyst/Pearl''': Good point, good point. / Oh, absolutely. :'''Steven''': But..! :'''Amethyst''': You figure something ''out'', Steven! :'''Pearl''': Yes! Why not dust off those conflict resolution skills? :'''Garnet''': Let your problem be known, then you can work towards an understanding. :'''Steven''': Oh... I'll make them understand. I'll make them all understand... ''[leaves]'' :'''Amethyst''': Eh, he'll be fine. === ''Love Letters'' === :''[Steven and Connie meet Jamie sitting on a log in the beach]'' :'''Steven''': Jamie! :'''Jamie''': Oh, hey, Connie and Steven. You guys come out here to stare at the ocean and think about life too? :'''Connie''': Uhh, no...? We came to, uh— :'''Jamie''': Yeah, life is crazy. One day, you're right here in Beach City delivering mail and then the next thing you know... you're on a bus to Kansas, following your dreams of becoming an actor. "Follow your dreams," they said. But no one said anything about all the rejection and sadness there was to be found. So many auditions day after day... So much rejection day after day... That's why I came back. ''[two seagulls crash into each other and fall into the sea]'' One more rejection would have destroyed my fragile heart. ''[sobs, chuckles]'' Sorry... sometimes I get caught up in the drama zone, you know? :'''Steven''': Yeah, right... Drama zone. :'''Connie''': Oh, by the way, we have something for yo— :'''Steven''': No, we don't! <hr width=50%> :'''Garnet''': I didn't mean to upset you. :'''Jamie''': Then will you go out with me? :'''Garnet''': No! :'''Jamie''': But I've loved you since the moment I saw you. :'''Garnet''': Love at first sight doesn't exist. Love takes time and love takes work. At the very least, you have to know the other person. And you literally have no idea who or what I am. ''[shades glimmer]'' :'''Jamie''': But I bloom for you like— like a... camellia... under moonlight? :'''Garnet''': No, you don't! ''[long beat]'' You make a very convincing lovesick fool. You convinced these children. ''[adjusts her shades]'' You even convinced yourself. ''[smiling]'' You're a fantastic actor. :'''Jamie''': ''[beat]'' ..What am I supposed to do now? :'''Garnet''': Start with local theater. ''[slaps Jamie's back, then walks away. Connie and Steven walk closer to him]'' :'''Connie''': Are you okay? :'''Jamie''': Yeah. That was some pretty solid advice. :'''Steven''': Were those more letters you wrote to Garnet? :'''Jamie''': No. That was the mail I was supposed to deliver on my last route. :'''Steven''': ''[beat]'' We'll help you pick it all up. :'''Jamie''': Thanks. === ''Reformed'' === :'''Garnet''': This is not a good choice for your form. :'''Amethyst''': Lighten up, Garnet. Can't you take a joke? :'''Garnet''': It's not funny. You've made yourself ridiculous. :'''Amethyst''': <big>'''''RIDICULOUS?!?!'''''</big> :'''Garnet''': Keep your voice down! The creature... :'''Amethyst''': Hrrr... You wanted me to be more like Pearl, and now I am!! :'''Garnet''': ''[low voice]'' Pearl would've taken her regeneration seriously! :'''Amethyst''': WHAT DO YOU CARE!?! MY FORM IS '''''MY'' BUSINESS!!''' :'''Garnet''': It's my business when it affects the strength of the team!! :'''Amethyst''': ..So what?! I'm not strong enough?! ''[gets dragged by the Slinker]'' :'''Steven''': Amethyst! :'''Amethyst''': '''ARE YOU SAYING... <big>I'M ''WEAK''</big>?!?!''' ''[poofs again; Steven catches her gemstone]'' :'''Steven''': Is it weird I'm getting numbed to this? === ''[[w:Sworn to the Sword|Sworn to the Sword]]'' === :'''Connie''': ''[fights off seagulls with her violin bow]'' Run back to your masters! Tell them we're not afraid of your kind! :'''Steven''': ''[chuckles]'' Thanks for saving my jam snack. Unfortunately, it's not safe from me. ''[munches it]'' You're such a good sword fighter, Connie. :'''Connie''': Really? I was just swinging this thing around. I don't really know what I'm doing, but I'd love to learn how to use a real sword! :'''Steven''': Oh! ''[gulps snack; starry eyes]'' Steven has an idea! :''[back at the Beach House]'' :'''Pearl''': You want me to do ''what''?! :'''Steven''': You should teach Connie to sword fight, she's already so good! :'''Connie''': Steven! :'''Steven''': But you are! Y-You helped me fight the robot floaty-thing, she took down that evil clone of herself, uh... those mean seagulls just now? :'''Pearl''': You're awfully young to begin something like this. But I suppose I was only a few thousand years old when I began fighting alongside Rose Quartz. ''[Connie raises her hand]'' Yes, Connie? :'''Connie''': Please! I want to learn! I mean, I don't know what'll happen in the future. But if something dangerous comes along... I don't wanna be a burden, I wanna help! I want to be there for Steven to fight by his side! The Earth is my home too. Can't I help protect it? ''[Pearl starts watering tears of joy]'' :'''Pearl''': Oh... okay... If that's how you feel... we should get started! :'''Steven''': Woo-hoo! ''[runs after her laughing]'' :'''Connie''': Wait, now? <hr width=50%> :'''Pearl''': All right, everything begins with your stance. Remember: :''[singing] You do it for him, and you would do it again'' :''You do it for her, that is to say, you'll do it for him.'' :''Keep your stance wide, keep your body lowered'' :''As you're moving forward, balance is the key'' :''Right foot, left foot, now go even faster'' :''And as you're moving backwards, keep your eyes on me.'' :'''Connie''': ''Keep my stance wide'' ("Good.") :''Keep my body lowered'' ("Right.") :''As I'm moving forward'' :'''Pearl''': ''Concentrate! Don't you want him to live?!'' :'''Connie''': ''Right foot, left foot'' :'''Pearl''': ''Yes, but put your whole body into it!'' :''Everything you have, everything you are'' :''You've got to give.'' :''On the battlefield, when everything is chaos'' :''And you have nothing but the way you feel, your strategy and a sword'' :''You just think about the life you'll have together after the war'' :''And then you do it for her, that's how you know you can win'' :''You do it for her, that is to say, you'll do it for him.'' <hr width=25%> :''Deep down, you know you weren't built for fighting'' :''But that doesn't mean you're not prepared to try'' :''What they don't know is your real advantage'' :''When you live for someone, you're prepared to die.'' :'''Connie''': ''Deep down, I know that I'm just a human'' ("True.") :'''Both''': ''But I/you know that I/you can draw my/your sword and fight'' :'''Connie''': ''With my short existence,'' ("Good.") ''I can make a difference'' ("Yes, excellent!") :''I can be there for him, I can be his knight.'' :'''Connie''': ''I can do it for him'' :'''Both''': ''You'd do it for her'' :'''Pearl''': ''Okay, now do that again'' ("Yes, ma'am.") :''You do it for her, and now you say'' :'''Connie''': ''I'll do it for him.'' <hr width=50%> :'''Amethyst''': ''[belly laughs]'' Wow, Garnet! That is the funniest thing I've ever heard! :'''Garnet''': Garnet, master of comedy. :'''Amethyst''': Hehehe... Yo, Steven. ''[pretend-yells]'' '''WHY ARE YOU STANDING THERE ALL SAD LIKE THAT?!?!''' :'''Steven''': W-well... Connie is taking sword fighting lessons from Pearl, but I think it's getting a little too serious. She wants Connie to do all this dangerous stuff for me. :'''Garnet''': That makes sense. :'''Steven''': What do you mean? :'''Garnet''': Back during the war, Pearl took pride in risking her destruction for your mother. She put Rose Quartz over everything — over logic, over consequence, over her own life. :''[Pearl and Rose switch to Connie and Steven, respectively. She charges at the enemy before cutting to Steven's horrified face]'' :'''Amethyst''': You okay, dude? :'''Steven''': I have to do something!! Thanks for telling me that, bye!! === ''Rising Tides, Crashing Skies'' === :'''RonaIdo''': I am now going to attempt to make contact with the mysterious, reclusive, ''[Steven comes out]'' and—ahh! :'''Steven''': Hi, Ronaldo! Uh, hi, Peedee. Is that a camera? :'''Peedee''': Yeah. We're making a movie about— :'''RonaIdo''': It's an investigative report, shot ''[[w:cinéma vérité|camera vérité]]''. :'''Steven''': Cool! :'''RonaIdo''': So... you wanna participate in a groundbreaking interview? :'''Steven''': Hmm. Only if ''you'' participate in a glass of fresh-squeezed lemonade! ''[walks back inside]'' :''[cue Ronaldo and Steven in the Beach House]'' :'''Steven''': Ohh, that giant hand? It was a spaceship coming to get us. :'''RonaIdo''': Us?! I knew it! Steven, we know too much! :'''Steven''': No, not "us" us. I-I meant me and the Crystal Gems. :'''RonaIdo''': Wait. So the hand wasn't here to snatch up humans for a human zoo? Or interfere with our subsidized Beach City wind farm?! Or thaw the cryogenically frozen pets of the one percent!?! :'''Steven''': Uh... no, I'm pretty sure it came to Beach City for me and the Crystal Gems. :'''RonaIdo''': Oh. So, if you and the Crystal Gems weren't here, we wouldn't have been attacked by the giant hand? :'''Steven''': Ohh-hoh-hoh! Definitely not. === ''Keeping It Together'' === :'''Pearl''': Garnet, you don't think Peridot would come looking for us, do you? :'''Garnet''': We weren't her priority. She was sent here to do something in the Kindergarten. :'''Pearl''': Do you think she's still going to try to reactivate it? :'''Garnet''': Mm. If she gets it back up and running, the Injectors will turn back on. :'''Steven''': Injectors? What're those? :'''Pearl''': You've already seen them. ''[projects hologram from her gemstone]'' Well, you've seen them disabled. If Peridot reactivates them, they'll pick right up where they left off, planting gems in the crust of the Earth, where they'll incubate and suck the life right out of the ground. We can't let Peridot restart Gem production here. If we do... ''[sighs]'' the entire planet will become… :'''Garnet''': Janked. :'''Amethyst''': Garnet! ''[laughs]'' That mouth! ''[sniggers]'' :'''Garnet''': Don't worry. We'll stop her. <hr width=50% /> :'''Steven''': We did it! Garnet? :'''Garnet/Ruby'''! So ''this'' is what Homeworld thinks of fusion! :'''Garnet/Sapphire''': We couldn't have known they would do this. :'''Garnet/Ruby''': ''This'' is where they've been…all the ones we couldn't find… they've been here the whole time! :'''Garnet/Sapphire''': Rose couldn't have known. :'''Garnet/Ruby''': This is punishment for the rebellion! :'''Garnet/Sapphire''': ''[breaking down]'' It's not our fault! :'''Steven''': Garnet! :'''Garnet''': S-Steven. :'''Amethyst''': ''[sliding down with Pearl]'' Yo! We're back. :'''Pearl''': Garnet, we lost Peridot. Her fingers were too fast for us. ''[two fused hands climb up on Amethyst and grabs them]'' Um… what are these things? :'''Garnet''': PUT THEM DOWN! :'''Steven''': Uh! :'''Pearl''': Wha...? ''[throws the hands away]'' :'''Garnet''': We need to poof and bubble all of them. We can't let any escape. ''[She poofs the hands as the screen turns black]'' <hr width=50% /> :'''Garnet''': What Homeworld did… taking the shattered parts of fallen Gems and combining them—those Gems weren't asked permission. Fusion is a choice. Those Gems weren't given a choice. It isn't right. It isn't fusion! <hr width=50% /> :''[Steven looks at Garnet as he takes the clothes out the dryer into the basket]'' :'''Steven''': What's it like... being a fusion? :'''Garnet''': You fused. :'''Steven''': I mean, like, all the time. Do you forget who you used to be? :'''Garnet''': You forget you were ever alone. You know when you fuse, you don't feel like two people. You feel like one being. And your old names might as well be names for your left arm, and your right. :'''Steven''': When you split up, is it like you disappear? :'''Garnet''': I embody my— I mean, Ruby and Sapphire's love. I always exist in them, even if I split apart. But the strength of that love keeps me together, so I can stay Garnet for a very long time. :'''Steven''': That's why you're so great! :'''Garnet''': ''[smiles]'' Ha. ''[Steven starts laughing, with a light blue colored sock being blown away]'' :'''Steven''': Oh, no! ''[Garnet catches it]'' :'''Garnet''': Don't wanna break up a pair. :'''Steven''': ''[holds peach colored sock]'' Yeah, you're right. ''[Garnet folds socks into basket]'' They belong together. === ''We Need to Talk'' === :''[Greg re-watches Pearl and Rose's fusion dance, practices and falls down]'' :'''Greg''': Ah, geez! How'd she get her legs to do that? ''[groans]'' :'''Amethyst''': Hey! ''[looks at face-to-face with Garnet]'' Are you dead? :'''Greg''': Wha? Uh, no, no. I'm alive. :'''Amethyst''': Whoa, cool! ''[jumps over Greg, runs to the TV]'' It's us from before! :'''Greg''': Yeah, I was just... trying to get my head around this fusion dance. :'''Amethyst''': A fusion dance ain't about your head! ''[laughs out loud]'' :'''Greg''': Wait... you guys are Gems. You gotta help me out here. I need to be able to fuse with Rose! :'''Garnet''': First, you need a gem at the core of your being. Then you need a body that can turn into light. Then you need the partner who you trust with that light. :'''Greg''': Metaphorically? :'''Garnet''': Literally. :'''Amethyst''': ''[whispers]'' Shh! Come on! I still wanna see him try! :'''Greg''': Ugh, so it's true. I really can't do it. ''[touches his face]'' I'm kidding myself with this! I'm never gonna be a Gem... ''[Garnet looks down and picks up a twig]'' :'''Garnet''': Amethyst... give us some privacy! ''[throws it far away]'' :'''Amethyst''': YEAH!! ''[scampers after it]'' :'''Garnet''': Let me tell you something, Mr. Universe. I think you can do it, but it won't work if you dance like Pearl. You have to dance like you. You have to fuse ''your'' way. Get open. Get honest. Invent yourselves together. ''[lowers her shades and winks left of her three eyes]'' That's fusion. :'''Greg''': EYE—think I get it. === ''Chille Tid'' === :'''Steven''': "Sleep is a curse, and yet a curse I need to live"—Steven Universe. ---- :'''Garnet''': Let me show you how it's done. ''(She falls over, stiff as a board)'' :'''Pearl''': That's pretty convincing. ---- :'''Steven''': Lapis! :'''Lapiz Lazuli''': No. I'm ''not'' Lapis anymore. We're Malachite now. === ''[[w:Cry for Help (Steven Universe)|Cry for Help]]'' === :'''Garnet''': It's as I feared. :''[The Communication Hub is glowing and shooting a beam of light towards the sky]'' :'''Pearl''': It looks like Peridot somehow repaired the Communication Hub. Well, at least some of it. :'''Steven''': So... we just gotta wreck it up again, right? (''to Amethyst'') You guys should form Sugilite! :'''Amethyst''': (''smiling a bit'') Yeah... Well, it's up to Garnet, I guess. (''smiling widely, to Garnet'') What do you say? ''[Pearl looks scared in the background]'' Shall we mash it up?... :'''Garnet''': No. :'''Amethyst''': But, don't we need to be huge like last time? :'''Garnet''': Last time was a disaster. Last time we fused, Sugilite went berserk. It's because of her that we can't even warp here anymore. (''takes off her visor'') I can be brash, you can be reckless. And we can both get carried away. So, for the time being, ''[She puts her visor back on and Amethyst's reflection can be seen in them]'' Sugilite is benched. What we need now is to be careful. ''[Steven gasps]'' It's you and me, Pearl. Let's fuse. ''[Pearl looks astonished as she begins to tear up]'' Don't cry, Pearl. ''[Pearl tries to not cry and quivers as she strongly breathes in through her nose, sniffling thickly]'' Come on, let's do this. :'''Pearl''': I'm right behind you. (''sniffling'') :'''Steven''': (''running towards them'') Woo-hoo! Fusion! Fusion! Fusion! Fusion! *sits to the left of Lion* (''Amethyst walks over'') :'''Garnet''': (''gemstones glow'') Ready. :'''Pearl''': (''grunts; stretches'') Hang on, it's been such a long time. ---- :'''Sardonyx''': Gooooood evening, everybody! (''struts over to Lion, Steven, and Amethyst and does a twirl'') This is the lovely Sardonyx! Coming to you ''a-live'' from the soon-to-be-former Communication Hub! How are y'all doin' tonight? :'''Amethyst''': (''sarcastically'') Great... :'''Steven''': (''gasps'') Giant woman! ---- :'''Amethyst''': ''Maybe you're better off with her / I think she's better for you / I forgot how great it felt to be us / Guess I got carried away. / I had to use you to make me feel strong / But I don't care about that now / I see a tower built out of my mistakes / And it all comes crashing down. / Is there something I can doo-oo / Is there something I can doo-oo-oo / Is there something I can doo-oo / Can I make it up to you?'' ---- :'''Amethyst''': Stop! :'''Pearl''': Is something the matter, Amethyst? :'''Amethyst''': You... you shouldn't. :'''Steven''': Pearl, we saw you. :'''Pearl''': (''shocked'') What? :'''Steven''': You need to tell Garnet it was you! :'''Garnet''': I don't understand. :'''Pearl''': I'm sorry. It's just... so much fun being Sardonyx with you. :'''Garnet''': ''[drops Pearl to the ground]'' ''That's'' why I couldn't see us finding Peridot. :'''Pearl''': Wait, let me explain! :'''Garnet''': You've been fixing the hub! :'''Pearl''': It really was Peridot! The first time. :'''Garnet''': You ''tricked'' me! :'''Pearl''': No! No, no, no, no! We just needed a reason to fuse! I just wanted to share a few more victories with you! :'''Garnet''': Those weren't ''victories''! :'''Amethyst''': Wait, Garnet! You know, we're so much weaker than you! Fusing with you is like our one chance to feel... ''stronger''! :'''Garnet''': Don't defend her! Peridot is out there somewhere and Pearl's been distracting us with... ''nothing''! :'''Pearl''': Garnet... :'''Garnet''': ''[angrily points at her]'' That's enough! ''[to Amethyst]'' Amethyst, fuse with me! :'''Amethyst''': But-! :'''Garnet''': (''clenching her fist'') Let's just get this over with. === ''Keystone Motel'' === :'''Steven''': Pearl! Where have you been?! :'''Pearl''': Looking for Peridot… For a few days straight. Steven, I know I might have… disappointed all of you. I know Garnet's very upset with me. But I'm going to prove to her that she can trust me again. ''[Garnet walks in through the front door]'' Oh! Garnet! I was just looking for Peridot! She's bound to be somewhere, right? Any new ideas? ''[Garnet says nothing and walks past her]'' I'm sorry ---- :'''Garnet''': ''[agitated, panting]'' Calm down... I don't feel like forgiving Pearl!... You don't understand, you must... If you're not going to listen, then you can just GO! ''[splits into Ruby and Sapphire]'' :'''Sapphire''': ''[calmly]'' We must move past this, Ruby. :'''Ruby''': ''[furiously]'' She ''lied'' to us so we'd form Sardonyx! She ''tricked'' us! Don't you feel used?! :'''Sapphire''': You're choosing to take it personally. :'''Ruby''': IT'S ''FUSION'', SAPPHIRE! WHAT'S MORE PERSONAL TO US THAN ''FUSION?!'' :'''Sapphire''': I know you're still upset... :'''Ruby''': Oh, so it's just me?! :'''Sapphire''': Of course not. Can't you see I'm completely engulfed with rage? :'''Ruby''': Well, it doesn't feel like it! :'''Sapphire''': The sooner we forgive Pearl, the better it will be for us all. :'''Ruby''': YOU'RE NOT AS ABOVE THIS AS YOU THINK YOU ARE! ---- :'''Sapphire''': ''[about Ruby, while she shakes the table]'' This will pass. She'll eventually just burn herself out. :'''Ruby''': ''[angrily]'' THAT'S WHAT ''YOU'' THINK! '''I AM AN ETERNAL FLAME, BABY!''' ''[flips the table]'' :''[while Greg talks to Steven, arguing with each other simultaneously]'' :'''Ruby''': You don't know me! :'''Sapphire''': How could I possibly not know you? We always fuse! We always fuse, what are you even going on about fusion? :'''Ruby''': Look at you! ''[laughing]'' You don't even know yourself! Ha! :'''Sapphire''': So don't act so ridiculous. :'''Ruby''': ''I'm'' ridiculous?! :'''Sapphire''': Yes, yes. ---- :'''Steven''': I was so happy when Garnet said she wanted to go on this trip with me and Dad! Home's been awful! Here's been awful! I thought you wanted to have a fun time, but everyone's been acting awful too! It... it just came with us! I don't understand! Is it... is it me? :'''Ruby''': ...No! Steven, it's all us! :'''Sapphire''': But we made him feel like it was his fault... I keep looking into the future, when all of this has already been solved, as if it doesn't matter how you feel in the present! ''[starting to cry]'' No wonder you think I don't care...! :'''Ruby''': Sapphire... No, nonononono! This is all my fault, I... I didn't want to look for a solution, I... I just wanted to be mad! You're right! You're always right! I was being stupid! :'''Sapphire''': I don't think you're stupid! :'''Ruby''': I'm... sorry. ''[gently brushes Sapphire's hair aside, revealing her sad eye]'' :'''Sapphire''': You honestly think I'm not upset about what happened? I was just... trying to do the right thing. :'''Ruby''': I know... ''[starts smiling]'' You know what's nice about being split up? :'''Sapphire''': What? :'''Ruby''': I get to look at you... :'''Sapphire''': ''[pushes her off, laughing]'' Be serious! :'''Ruby''': ''[hugs Sapphire]'' There's my Laughy Sapphy! :'''Sapphire''': Shh! You're embarrassing me in front of Steven! ''[cut to Steven, feeling awkward at the scene]'' === ''Historical Friction'' === :'''Steven''': Hey, Pearl! ''[sees a desolate Pearl sitting on the couch, looking at the ceiling]'' Pearl? :'''Pearl''': ''[jumps up]'' Steven! You're back! :'''Steven''': Yeah... ''[sits down]'' Show business is rough. :'''Pearl''': Is there something I can help you with? :'''Steven''': Not unless you can make William Dewey interesting. :'''Pearl''': How do ''you'' know William Dewey? :'''Steven''': I'm gonna be him in this play! But he's totally boring! He's perfect and he never makes mistakes. :'''Pearl''': ''[sigh]'' Wish I could say the same for myself. :'''Steven''': Yeah, but nobody's like that! Everybody gets stuff wrong, and then you have to keep going and it's hard, which is why it's great when you never stop trying! :'''Pearl''': ..When did you get so smart? === ''Friend Ship'' === :''[Steven and the Gems enter a room in the ship. Peridot appears on a projected screen]'' :'''Peridot''': ''[laughs]'' You Gems really are as dull as dirt! :'''Pearl''': You're the dull one if you thing you can fly this wreck! :'''Peridot''': ''[pauses]'' What? Can you speak louder? Some of these communicators are gunked up. :'''Steven''': ''[cleans off a microphone, speaks into it]'' Pearl says ''you're'' the dull one if you think you can fly this wreck! :'''Peridot''': ''[waits for Steven's response to come through] [laughs]'' Fly? I'm not using this vessel to fly. I'm using it to '''''TRAP YOU!''''' ''[a door closes, trapping Steven and the Gems in the room]'' Isn't this nice? No more Crystal Gems running around, messing with my plans, destroying my things. Looks like I've got you just where I want you. How does it feel to be so easily outsmarted, you '''''CLODS?!''''' :'''Pearl''': No... :'''Amethyst''': ''[speaks into the microphone]'' Hey, uh, this is Amethyst. I don't appreciate being called a clod, you clo- :'''Peridot''': Enough talk! Prepare yourselves for annihilation! ''[dramatically hits a button]'' Hiyah! ''[nothing happens, hits it again]'' Hiyah! :''[the room's laser cannons activate and take aim at Steven and the Gems]'' :'''Peridot''': It works! Yes! '''''DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIIIIE!''''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Garnet''': Pearl, stop. That isn't helping. :'''Pearl''': I have to do something. I can't believe I walked us right into Peridot's trap. This is all my… ''[Peridot's hologram disappears as the ground starts to shake]'' fault? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Pearl''': ''[thru screen]'' Garnet… I'm sorry! :'''Amethyst''': Wait a sec! :'''Pearl''': Things weren't supposed to turn out this way... ''[inside, Garnet punches the wall again]'' :'''Garnet''': We'll get outta here somehow. :'''Pearl''': ''[sighs]'' That's not what I mean! I really wanted to catch Peridot to make up for what I did... ''[Garnet withdraws her gauntlets]'' I wanted to prove to you that... that everything could go back to normal... :'''Garnet''': Catching Peridot won't make things go back to normal. ''[thru screen]'' This isn't about Peridot. :'''Amethyst''': Hey... they're actually talking! :'''Steven''': Now they can finally work things out! :''[soon, the gears start to activate and turn and start closing into the trapped two]'' :'''Amethyst''': Not if they get crushed! :''[both Garnet and Pearl push their unflinching sides]'' :'''Pearl''': Please! Tell me! How can I make you forgive me?! :'''Garnet''': You can't! You lied to me! You need to learn that there are consequences to your actions! :'''Pearl''': I'm sorry! I... I couldn't help myself! :'''Garnet''': ''[kicks opposite side of wall next to Pearl]'' I don't want to hear your excuses! :'''Pearl''': But it's true! No matter how hard I try to be strong like you, I'm just a Pearl. I'm useless on my own. ''[cries]'' I need someone to tell me what to do. :''[the walls suddenly stop moving; Both Amethyst and Steven pull her whip on its gears in its place. Garnet and Pearl pause for a beat]'' :'''Pearl''': When we fuse, I can feel what it's like to be you. Confident and secure, and complete. You're perfect. You're the perfect relationship. You're always together, I just... I wanted to be a part of that. :'''Garnet''': You're wrong! I'm not as strong as you think. I fell apart over this. Ruby and Sapphire were in turmoil over how you deceived me. ''[thru screen]'' I came undone. :'''Amethyst''': Whoa, that really happened? :'''Steven''': ''[nods]'' Hm. :'''Garnet''': It's not easy being in control. I have weaknesses too, but I choose not to let them consume me. I struggle to stay strong because I know the impact I have on everyone. Please understand, Pearl. ''[thru screen]'' You have an impact too. ''[inside]'' There are times when I look up to you for strength. You are your ''own'' gem. You control your destiny. Not me, not Rose, not Steven. But you must choose to be strong, so we can move forward. So I can trust you again. :'''Pearl''': I understand. I can't give up anymore! :'''Garnet''': Good. === ''Nightmare Hospital'' === :'''Dr. Maheswaran''': ''[sighs]'' I had a rough day at work and I'm not in the mood for any more surprises. :'''Connie''': Whatsyjf happened at work? :'''Dr. Maheswaran''': There was a really strange case at the hospital today, straight out of a ''nightmare''. ''[beat]'' Oh, don't worry, the rules of doctor-patient confidentiality keep me from sharing the graphic details, but... Hang on a moment. When did we get a coat rack? :'''Connie''': Oh, no... :'''Dr. Maheswaran''': A ''SWORD''?! Connie, where did you get this?! :'''Steven''': I-it's— :'''Connie''': I found it! I just... found it outside and I wanted to show it to Steven. :'''Dr. Maheswaran''': How could you possibly think this is okay?! :'''Connie''': It's— :'''Dr. Maheswaran''': Do you know how many children I see everyday in the hospital who've cut their faces off playing with swords?! :'''Connie''': I— :'''Dr. Maheswaran''': NONE!! Because they all have parents who love them, and who don't let them play around with deadly weapons like some kind of gang member! No playing with swords, under any circumstances! ''[her cell phone rings, answers it]'' This is Dr. Maheswaran. Yes, calm down, Stromberg. Another one? :'''Steven''': ''[to Connie]'' Is she gonna give it back? :'''Dr. Maheswaran''': All right, I'll-I'll be right there. ''[zips sword in duffle bag]'' I have to go to the hospital. I'll have a talk with your father to calculate just how grounded you are. ''[leaves, comes back]'' And we're using the abacus! ''[leaves again]'' :'''Connie''': I ''hate'' that abacus. Steven, I'm so sorry. She took your mother's sword! :'''Steven''': Maybe we can get her to change her mind? :'''Connie''': She never ''ever'' changes her mind. We've got to get that sword back ourselves. <hr width=50%> :'''Connie''': Mom... I'm really sorry about lying to you. It started off as a tiny secret, and then I felt like if I didn't hide it, you wouldn't let me see Steven ever again. :'''Dr. Maheswaran''': Is that how you feel? Are we too controlling? :'''Connie''': ..Maybe. :'''Dr. Maheswaran''': I just wanted to be a good mother. I... I just wanted to protect you. :'''Connie''': I can protect myself now! ''[Dr. Maheswaran pauses for a long beat, sighs]'' :'''Dr. Maheswaran''': Okay. ''[Connie winces]'' We'll... pull back on the rules, and I'll try to keep an open mind about ''[Connie's lenses]'' this, and ''[Lion]'' that, and... him. ''[Steven stays frightened]'' It scares me that you can't talk to me. I need to know what's happening in your life. I... I need to step in when you're in over your head. Would you just promise me you'll stop all this lying? :'''Connie''': ''[beat]'' That's a rule. ''[they embrace each other]'' :'''Dr. Maheswaran''': I love you, honey. :'''Connie''': I love you too, Mom. === ''Sadie's Song'' === :'''Sadie''': Please, Mom. Don't make me do this. :'''Barb''': Make you? You said you wanted to sing. :'''Sadie''': Yeah! I did! I did! I did, I did. Just like I say lots of things like, "Hey, Mom. Swimming looks fun", then bam! Suddenly, I'm anchoring a 400 meter relay for the Beach City Seals. "Hey, Mom. I thought signing up for softball would be nice." 6 birthdays later, I'm still getting nothing but kneepads and batting helmets. "Hey, Mom. I wanna sing at this year's Beachapalooza", and what do I get? THIS! I just thought, for once, I get to do things my way, but you came in and took over everything like you always do. :'''Barb''': I just wanted everyone to know how talented my daughter is. :'''Sadie''': THIS is not your daughter. :'''Barb''': ''[stunned]'' I'm sorry. === ''Catch and Release'' === :'''Steven''': ''[getting padded by Peridot]'' Why are you acting like this?! :'''Peridot''': You smashed me into a limbless cloud, you trapped me in your bubble dungeon, and you called me... ''cute''! ''[Steven evades her punch, face-flat on the floor]'' :'''Steven''': I didn't poof you! I freed you! ''[Peridot turns back]'' :'''Peridot''': Why would you make such a miscalculation? :'''Steven''': Back at the warp pad, what were you trying to say? Why do we need you? What do you know? :'''Peridot''': What do I know? Everything there is to know about the Cluster, you pebble! :'''Steven''': Cluster? Wait, pebble? :'''Peridot''': My mission. The reason why I'm on this sad rock in the first place! I was to check progress on the Cluster! Just in and out, before it hatches. I wasn't supposed to get stuck here! But now it's going to emerge and nothing can stop it, and we'll all be shattered!! :'''Steven''': Okay, okay, wait, slow down. Now, from the top—emerging, hatching, Clusters? :'''Peridot''': You wanna know? :'''Steven''': Yes. :'''Peridot''': You ''really'' wanna know? :'''Steven''': Yes? <hr width=50%/> :'''Peridot''': ''[in bathroom]'' Hmm... Seems I've discovered some sort of archaic... think chamber. Roomy, with a fresh hint of Earth citrus. ''[lifts toilet seat]'' A perfect crossroads for my escape. :'''Amethyst''': ''[fiddling the bathroom doorknob]'' It's locked. :'''Garnet''': Peridot, open the door! ''[flushing sounds are heard]'' :'''Amethyst''': Uh, if you're trying to flush yourself down the toilet, it ''won't'' work. ''[cut to Peridot spinning inside the toilet bowl]'' Trust me, I've tried. :'''Pearl''': How did she get out?! We bubbled her! :'''Amethyst''': Maybe we needed a bigger bubble. :'''Garnet''': My bubbles are fine. :'''Steven''': ''[sweating nervously]'' I did it. :'''Pearl''': ''[shocked]'' Steven, why would you do such a thing?! <hr width=50%/> :'''Garnet''': I'm tired of playing these games. If we can't fight her, fine. We'll talk. Peridot! :'''Peridot''': ''[slips off the sink]'' Whoa! :'''Garnet''': All right, no more fighting. Let's just have a civil conversation. :'''Peridot''': As if I'd negotiate with you, filthy war machine! :'''Garnet''': ''[summons gauntlets]'' Okay, let's kick her butt. :'''Steven''': Wait! :'''Peridot''': Yeah! Destroy me again! ''[hangs on bath curtain pole with a plunger]'' And have fun trying to talk to me when I'm in a ''bubble''! ''[almost slips off]'' :'''Pearl''': I really hate to say it, but unfortunately if she has information, she's more valuable to us like… this. :'''Garnet''': This is going to be tricky. ''[hear knobs turning, water splashing]'' :'''Peridot''': H-h-hot hot hot!! :'''Steven''': You have to turn the knob the other way for cold! ''[later in the kitchen with the Gems]'' Wait, so we're just gonna let her live in my bathroom? :'''Pearl''': Well, yes. What other option do we have? Keep her outside on a leash? === ''When It Rains'' === :'''Garnet''': ''[banging on the bathroom door]'' Open the door, Peridot! If this "Cluster" is putting us in danger, you need to tell us what it is so we can stop it! :'''Peridot''': No! I hate you! I'm not telling you anything about the Cluster! :'''Amethyst''': Oh, come on. Is it like a big, hunk of granola? :'''Peridot''': What's granola? :'''Pearl''': I'm sure it's not granola. Now, Peridot, I'm sure we can reach some sort of agreement. Perhaps a trade is in order? :'''Peridot''': Oh, sure. Why don't you just give me back my leg enhancements and my arm attachments with my screen and my log and all my information. Oh, wait, YOU DESTROYED THEM! So, no, I don't think we can reach some sort of agreement! :'''Steven''': ''[flushing the toilet]'' Okay, Peridot, you can turn around now. ''[exits the bathroom, clears throat]'' Sorry for interrupting your interrogation. :'''Garnet''': Don't worry about it, Steven. :'''Pearl''': I swear, Peridot is gonna crack any second now. :'''Peridot''': I'll ''never'' crack for the likes of you, you… Crystal Clods! ''[laughs]'' :'''Pearl''': ''[angrily]'' Ooh, I got your clods right here, you little…! :'''Garnet''': ''[puts her hand on her shoulder]'' Hold on, Pearl. If she's not gonna be of any help, let's investigate this thing on our own. :'''Steven''': I'll come with you. :'''Garnet''': Sorry, Steven. We're gonna need you to stay here and keep an eye on our…''guest.'' :'''Steven''': Really? :'''Amethyst''': Yeah. Make sure she doesn't try anything. :'''Pearl''': Don't worry. She's harmless without her limb enhancers. :'''Peridot''': I'M NOT HARMLESS! :'''Pearl''': Oh, hush up! <hr width=50%/> :'''Peridot''': These are the early attempts at artificial fusion. :'''Steven''': That's a lot of gem shards. :'''Peridot''': We were growing them here at this very site. But these were just prototypes for the final product, a singular giant artificial fusion, comprised of millions of gem shards…the Cluster. :'''Steven''': Peridot, you're saying there's a giant mutant gem the size of the Earth under us right now? :'''Peridot''': Oh, no. When it forms, it'll be much, much bigger than the Earth. Right now, it lies dormant, incubating in the Earth's core. But when it emerges and takes its physical form, it will destroy the planet. The prototypes are already emerging. The Cluster is next. If we can't get off this planet, we've got to stop the Cluster! I thought it'd be impossible, but now we have a chance. :'''Steven''': What is it? :'''Peridot''': ''[grabs Steven's shoulders and grins malevolently]'' It's you, Steven! ''[she and Steven climb out of the control room]'' Now that you're filled in, we can get to work! :'''Steven''': Uhh, how am I supposed to help? :'''Peridot''': Well, you have all the information that we need about Earth and its erratic behavior. Put that together with my expansive knowledge of the Cluster and we just might be able to stop it! :'''Steven''': No, Peridot, I don't think you get it! Just because I know how clouds work doesn't mean I know how to stop a giant mutant in the center of the earth! Besides, the only reason that I know anything about clouds and rain is because my dad told me. :'''Peridot''': What are you talking about? :'''Steven''': I used to be really scared of thunderstorms, just like you. Then Dad explained how rain and all that stuff works, then I wasn't scared of rain anymore. :'''Peridot''': Well, I'm sure you have other knowledge about how this planet works. :'''Steven''': Sure, but none of it's going to help us. If we want to stop this Cluster thing, we'll need help from the Crystal Gems. :'''Peridot''': I said I don't need them! Let's just warp me back to the bathroom, or whatever you call it, and we'll take care of this. If it looks really bad, then we can just ask this "dad" for help, right? === ''Back to the Barn'' === :'''Peridot''': What is that?! :'''Steven''': ''[speaking with the Cluster puppet]'' It's the Cluster. :'''Peridot''': It does not look like that. But it ''is'' real, and it can activate at any moment! :'''Amethyst''': What a cluster. :'''Garnet''': That abomination must be stopped. :'''Pearl''': But how? We'll need to build some sort of machine to take us to the center of the Earth, it'll have to- :'''Peridot''': ''[swats at Pearl, interrupting her]'' Hey! I wasn't finished speaking! What we ''need'' is to build some sort of machine to take us to the center of the Earth. <hr width=50%/> :'''Pearl''': All right. What we have here in the barn should be adequate enough for us to get started. First, I recommend we organize the component types, and assemble a rough blueprint based off what we have available. Sorry, Steven. It's a lovely drawing, but it won't look like this. ''[Steven stops spinning on the swivel chair, now frowning]'' :'''Peridot''': ''[examines piece of chalk]'' Hmm... Good. Yes, this is adequate. Thank you. You can go now. :'''Pearl''': ..Uh, what? :'''Peridot''': Hm? ''[beat]'' Umm, that will be all? ''[claps to her for a beat, whispers to Steven]'' How do you get her to leave? :'''Pearl''': Excuse me, I am not leaving. :'''Steven''': Yeah! She's gotta stay here to help us build the drill thing, right? :'''Peridot''': ''[laughs]'' No, no, you're confused. A Pearl can't build a thing like this. :'''Steven''': Why not? :'''Peridot''': Because Pearls aren't ''for'' this! They're... for standing around, an-and looking nice, and uh... holding your stuff for you. Right? :'''Pearl''': That's enough! If we're going to work together, you're going to have to listen to me. :'''Peridot''': Listen to you? ''[starts laughing, turns to Steven]'' Did you teach her to talk like this? :'''Steven''': What are you talking about? :'''Peridot''': She's a Pearl. She's a made-to-order servant just like the hundreds of other Pearls being flaunted around back on Homeworld. :'''Steven''': Wait... There's hundreds of Pearls?! :'''Pearl''': ''[nervous]'' Well... yes, but— :'''Peridot''': ''[holding Pearl's sash]'' And she looks like a fancy one, too. ''[Pearl gasps]'' :'''Steven''': Hundreds of Pearls... :'''Peridot''': So, who do you belong to anyway? :'''Pearl''': ''[grabs her sash away from her]'' Nobody!! :'''Peridot''': Then... what are you for? ''[Pearl recoils back]'' Well, you can belong to me for now. Ha! A Peridot with a Pearl? What would they say back home? :'''Pearl''': Now listen here, you tiny twerp! In case you've forgotten, you're on ''our'' turf now! And I didn't fight a thousand-year war for this planet's independence to take orders from the likes of ''you''!! :'''Peridot''': Excuse me? I am a natural technician and a certified Kindergartener. I was made for this! You were made to take orders, not to give them! :'''Steven''': Whoa, whoa, hang on, guys! Now, we can all agree that you are both good at building things, so... can't you just try listening to each other? :'''Both''': <big>'''''NO!!'''''</big> :'''Pearl''': I'm as good at building things as you! Better, even! :'''Peridot''': Hah! Name one thing you can engineer better! Go on! :'''Steven''': ''[whispers]'' Robots. :'''Both''': Hm? :'''Steven''': You should build robots. Giant robots! I see a race. A giant robo-race... with prizes. Giant robo-prizes! :'''Pearl''': You mean like a competition? :'''Steven''': Yeah! To see who's better at building stuff! :'''Peridot''': What are these robots you speak of? :'''Steven''': They're like those funky marble guys you were sending—only bigger, and you can ride them! ''[makes robot noises]'' :'''Peridot''': Hah! Building one of these robots will be easy! :'''Pearl''': Well, I can build one faster! :'''Peridot''': That's what you think! === ''Too Far'' === :'''Peridot''': ''[talking into a recorder]'' Log date 7 11 2. It's the third rotation of the Earth since commencements of a... collaborative approach to stopping the Cluster. :'''Pearl''': I've finished drawing up the blueprints for the drill head. Peridot, if you could come take a look at this? :'''Peridot''': Remind me again why I should listen to you? Oh, right. ''[plays recorder]'' :'''Peridot''': ''[thru recorder] "The Pearl here has developed an aptitude for engineering that I begrudgingly respect. But that doesn't explain the spontaneous singing... crying... singing while crying." [Amethyst laughs]'' :'''Pearl''': ''[to Steven] [annoyed]'' Why did you give her that? :'''Steven''': Well, we did destroy all her stuff. I thought it might help make her feel a little better. :'''Peridot''': ''[thru recorder] "Clod!" [fast-forwards] "Mighty clod!" [fast-forwards] "Running out of ways to say clod."'' :'''Garnet''': All right. I chased away those cows. Now let's get to work. :'''Peridot''': ''[to Garnet] [clears throat]'' Before we begin, would you mind unfusing? It's making me incredibly uncomfortable. :''[beat as Steven, Amethyst and Pearl nervously look to Garnet. The scene then cuts to Garnet leashing Peridot to a fence.] :'''Peridot''': ''[as Garnet walks away]'' What?! What'd I say?! :'''Steven''': Did we really have to do that? :'''Garnet''': Her having free reign of the place made ''me'' incredibly uncomfortable. <hr width=50% /> :''[Steven and Amethyst walk up to a leashed Peridot growling over a microwave]'' :'''Peridot''': I just need some sort of leverage optimizer... :'''Amethyst''': Leverage optimizer? :'''Peridot''': That's what I said. :'''Amethyst''': Ohhh! Ha! You mean you want a screwdriver? ''[laughing]'' :'''Peridot''': Do you have one or not? :'''Steven''': Uh... ''[hands a screwdriver]'' Why don't you just use this one? :'''Peridot''': Because it was outside my radius. :'''Amethyst''': He-hey... Hey, Peridot... ''[points to her nose]'' What do you call this? :'''Peridot''': A scent sponge. :'''Steven''': Huh? ''[Amethyst laughs some more]'' :'''Amethyst''': Okay... ''[opens her eye]'' what's this? :'''Peridot''': Vision sphere. :'''Steven''': Peridot, that's— :'''Amethyst''': Wait, wait, Steven! Peridot... ''[waves her fingers]'' these? :'''Peridot''': ''[getting annoyed]'' Touch stumps. :'''Amethyst''': ''[points to her foot]'' This?! :'''Peridot''': Gravity connectors. :'''Amethyst''': ''This''?! :'''Peridot''': '''THAT'S YOUR BUTT!!!''' ''[Steven and Amethyst laugh out loud]'' :'''Steven''': Oh, man, Peridot, you're killing me! :'''Peridot''': I am not! That would violate our truce agreement! :'''Amethyst''': No, no, no! You're funny! :'''Peridot''': Funny? <hr width=50% /> :'''Peridot''': The strangest thing is, Amethyst... you think you have to listen to them! ''[laughs]'' You are the one they should put you in charge! :'''Amethyst''': Ha! That's your best joke yet. :'''Peridot''': No, really. Pearl is a Pearl. Garnet is a fusion. I don't even know what ''he's'' supposed to be. :'''Steven''': Hey! :'''Peridot''': You're the only Crystal Gem that's actually a Gem! :'''Amethyst''': Uh... ''[laughs nervously]'' What? :'''Peridot''': You outrank everyone on your team. They should be listening to you. You're a strong, singular, fully-functional soldier, despite the fact that you're defective. :'''Amethyst''': ..Defective? :'''Peridot''': Well, sure. You're small. :'''Amethyst''': So? :'''Peridot''': Well, you're not supposed to be! Hold on, wait, wait. Let me guess. ''[points to Amethyst's hole]'' This— ''[runs to hole]'' This is the hole you came out of. Too small, too low, the exit marks look about 500 years newer than every other hole. Hmm... this place must have been empty when you came out. No wonder you have no idea what you're supposed to look like! :'''Steven''': Peridot... ''[Amethyst holds Steven on the shoulder]'' :'''Amethyst''': What was I supposed to look like? :'''Peridot''': Well, you're a quartz. They're huge, loyal soldiers. You should be twice your size. Broad shouldered, intimidating, but you simply stayed in the ground too long. :'''Amethyst''': Are you saying I'm wrong?! :'''Peridot''': ''[laughing]'' Gemetically speaking, yes. When you think about it it's also... ''[snickers]'' funny! ''[Amethyst feels more enraged]'' :'''Steven''': Amethyst? :'''Peridot''': Hey, soldier. Maybe you can help me get this hunk of drill off. :''[Amethyst violently slashes the drill head off of an Injector with her whip]'' :'''Peridot''': See? Look at that! You can do everything a normal quartz can do. Let's head back and shove this thing in Pearl's face! :'''Steven''': Amethyst? Are you okay? :'''Amethyst''': Don't worry about it. <hr width=50% /> :'''Pearl''': ''WE LEAVE FOR ONE SECOND AND EVERYTHING GOES OFF THE RAILS!'' :'''Garnet''': I blame the cows. <hr width=50% /> :'''Peridot''': ''[thru recorder]'' "''Log date 7 11 2. This entire planet is backwards. There hasn't been one instance of correct behavior exhibited by anyone of these Crystal Gems. I have concluded that they are all defective. But I am no better. I failed my mission and I'm now working with the enemy. And I can't even get that right. I have apparently "hurt" Amethyst's "feelings", which was not my intent. If I damaged my standing with the best Gem here, then I've made a serious mistake. I'm still learning. I hope you understand. I want to understand. I'm sorry. [pause] Peridot, Facet 5, end log.''" === ''The Answer'' === :'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Sapphire had been called to Earth by Blue Diamond, specifically to share her vision of the future. :'''Sapphire''': ''[enters her Diamond's palanquin]'' My Diamond, I have arrived. :'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Blue Diamond spoke… :'''Blue Diamond (Garnet)''': Sapphire, tell me what will happen here. :'''Sapphire''': I foresee the rebels attacking the Cloud Arena. Before they are cornered, they will destroy the physical forms of seven gems, including two of my Ruby guards, and myself. Immediately after my form is destroyed, the rebels will be captured. The rebellion ends here. :'''Blue Diamond (Garnet)''': Thank you, Sapphire. :'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Blue Diamond said, relieved. :'''Blue Diamond (Garnet)''': That's all I needed to know. :'''Sapphire''': I look forward to speaking with you again once I reform back on Homeworld. <hr width=50% /> :'''Rose''': ''[off-screen]'' Blue Diamond, leave this planet! This colony will ''not'' be completed! :'''Ruby Guard''': It's the rebels! :'''Various Gems''': Who are you?! Show yourselves! :'''Rose''': ''[floating from above Pearl]'' We… :'''Rose & Pearl''': …are the Crystal Gems! :'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' The attack was right on schedule. <hr width=50% /> :'''Sapphire''': Thank you, Ruby. You did your best. :'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Ruby suddenly realized what Sapphire meant. She'd known that Ruby would fail. Sapphire had accepted it. But Ruby… Ruby could not. :'''Ruby''': ''NO!!'' ''[charges at Sapphire, pushing her out of the way of Pearl's attack, causing them to spin into the air and accidentally fuse into Garnet for the first time]'' <hr width=50% /> :'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' The furious crowd closed in around Ruby and Sapphire. They'd never seen fusion of two different types of gems. :'''Various Gems''': Unbelievable! Disgusting! This is unheard of! :'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Blue Diamond's voice cut through the crowd. :'''Blue Diamond (Garnet)''': The rebels have fled. Sapphire, this is ''not'' the scenario you described. :'''Sapphire''': This is… not what I saw! I don't know what happened, I… :'''Ruby''': No! It was me! :'''Blue Diamond (Garnet)''': Clearly. :'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Said Blue Diamond. :'''Blue Diamond (Garnet)''': How dare you fuse with a member of my court? :'''Ruby''': Forgive me, I… :'''Blue Diamond (Garnet)''': You will be broken for this! <hr width=50% /> :'''Both''': ''Where did we go, what did we do?'' :''I think we made something entirely new'' :''And it wasn't quite me and it wasn't quite you'' :''I think it was someone entirely new.'' :'''Ruby''': ''Oh, um'' :''Well, I just can't stop thinking'' :'''Sapphire''': ''So, um'' :''Did you say I was different?'' :'''Ruby''': ''And you hadn't before'' :'''Sapphire''': ''Of course not'' :''When would I have ever?'' :'''Ruby''': ''I'm so sorry'' :'''Sapphire''': ''No, no, don't be'' :'''Ruby''': ''And now you're here forever!'' :'''Sapphire''': ''What about you?'' :'''Ruby''': ''What about me?'' :'''Sapphire''': ''Well, you're here too'' :''We're here together.'' :''Mm-m-m-m-mm'' :'''Both''': ''Mm-m-m-m-mm, hm-m-m-m-m'' :''Mm-m-m-m-mm'' :''Mm-m-m-m-mm...'' <hr width=50% /> :'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' I was back. I was someone and I didn't know who. But I felt I was getting the hang of my strange new form. ''[beat]'' And then I fell. :'''Past Garnet''': Ahh! ''[tumbling down a hill and crashes in bushes]'' Ouch... ''[a sword is pointed to her face]'' Aahh! Don't hurt her! Don't hurt... me? :''[Pan up to see Pearl as the sword bearer]'' :'''Pearl''': It's you... the fusion. :'''Past Garnet''': We didn't mean to fuse! Well... well, we did this time. We'll unfuse! We-we'll... w-we'll... ''[Rose Quartz comes by]'' :'''Rose''': No, no, please. I'm glad to see you again. :'''Garnet''': And there they were - Rose Quartz, the leader of the rebellion and her terrifying renegade Pearl. :'''Past Garnet''': I don't... upset you? :'''Rose''': Who cares about how I feel? How ''you'' feel is bound to be much more interesting. :'''Past Garnet''': How I feel? I-I feel... uh, lost... and scared... a-and happy. W-Why am I so sure that I'd rather be this than everything I was supposed to be, and that I'd rather do this than everything I was supposed to do? ''[Rose chuckles and smiles]'' :'''Rose''': Welcome to Earth. :'''Past Garnet''': C-Can you tell me?! How was Ruby able to alter fate? Or, why was Sapphire willing to give up everything? W-What am I?! :'''Rose''': No more questions. Don't ''ever'' question this. You already are the answer. :''[Flashback story ends as Garnet concludes]'' :'''Steven''': So…what was it? The answer? :'''Garnet''': ''[whispers]'' Love. :'''Steven''': Wow… I knew it. :'''Garnet''': So did I. === ''Steven's Birthday'' === :''[Steven runs and hides to an edge of the barn; he de-ages into his normal state]'' :'''Steven''': Ohhh, geez! If I can just keep this up for the rest of my life, no one will suspect a thi— :''[he sees wide-eyed Amethyst and Greg staring at Steven for a beat; he drops a piñata stick]'' :'''Amethyst''': What are you doing?! :'''Steven''': ''[stammers]'' U-uh— well, what are ''[ages back]'' you doing? :'''Greg''': What are ''you'' doing to your body?! :'''Amethyst''': Woah, woah, woah... Have you been stretching yourself out all day?! :'''Steven''': No! I was just... slouching. :'''Greg''': Why are you doing this? It... really isn't like you. :'''Steven''': Because, Dad! I can't stay a kid forever! When Connie grows up and becomes president, what is that gonna make me? First Boy?! :'''Amethyst''': Steven, you can't just keep stretching forever. If you hold it too long, you could really hurt yourself. :'''Steven''': Yeah, well, I'm half-human so maybe it works different for me! We'll just have to wait and see, right?! :'''Greg''': ''[sighs]'' Steven... <hr width=50%/> :'''Garnet''': ''[trying to cheer up baby Steven but fails]'' My power means nothing to an infant. <hr width=50%/> :''[Greg, Connie and Amethyst (as a baby car seat for baby Steven) drive up in his van; Connie waves a maraca trying to calm down baby Steven]'' :'''Connie''': How can the Gems not know what to do?! :'''Greg''': You think they know the first thing about raising a baby? That was all me! But I don't get it. Driving always used to calm him down. :'''Connie''': But, how do we change him back?! :'''Greg''': I don't know! Look, Connie, let me take you home. I-I'll call you when this all this gets sorted out. :''[Connie turns to baby Steven babbling and crying]'' :'''Connie''': W-Wait, no! I wanna stay. :'''Greg''': Are you sure? :'''Connie''': Yeah! I just want to be there for Steven. Don't worry, Steven. It doesn't matter to me what age it seems like you are, I wanna hang out with you no matter what. Your dad still has to earn his car wash and the Gems have to do gem stuff, so I'll watch you when they're not around. I can come see you after I'm done training with Pearl, too. Doesn't that sound fun? ''[baby Steven holds onto her finger; coos happily]'' :'''Greg''': Look at that! He finally stopped crying. :'''Connie''': Well, that's a start. ''[Amethyst clears her throat]'' :'''Greg''': What's up, Amethyst? :'''Amethyst''': Baby Steven needs changin'. === ''It Could've Been Great'' === :'''Steven''': ''Life and death and love and birth'' :''And peace and war on the planet Earth'' :''Is there anything that's worth more'' :''Than peace and love on the planet Earth?'' :''Whoahh, come on and sing it with me'' :'''Peridot''': Sing? :'''Steven''': ''The words relate to the key'' :'''Peridot''': Key? :'''Steven''': ''If it's a pattern, if it's a pattern'' :''Then just repeat after me.'' :''Life and death and love and birth'' :'''Peridot''': ''Life and death and love and birth'' :'''Steven''': ''Now using mi-fa-mi-mi-fa-mi-ti-la!'' :'''Both''': ''And peace and war on the planet Earth.'' :'''Steven''': Yes, yes! That's it! :'''Peridot''': That's so easy. :'''Steven''': Yeah, but that's what's fun about it! You should write something, you should write a song. :'''Peridot''': About what? :'''Steven''': Whatever you're thinking. <hr width=25% /> :'''Peridot''': ''I guess we're already here, I guess we already know'' :''We've all got something to fear, we've all got nowhere to go'' :''I think you're all '''insane''', but I guess I am too'' :''Anybody would be if they were stuck on Earth with you.'' :'''Steven''': ''[laughing]'' Yes! ''Life and death and love and birth and'' :'''Amethyst''': ''Life and death and love and birth and'' :'''Pearl''': ''Life and death and love and birth'' :''And peace and war on the planet Earth.'' :'''Garnet''': ''Is there anything that's worth more'' :'''Steven''': ''Is there anything that's worth more'' :'''Peridot''': ''Is there anything that's worth more'' :''Than peace and love on the planet Earth?'' <hr width=50% /> :'''Steven''': Huh? Hey, Peridot, who is this supposed to be? :'''Peridot''': ''[runs up and gasps at the mural]'' It's Blue Diamond! Wait. Are they ''all'' here?! Ah, yes! There she is! :'''Steven''': Who? :''[They run up to the mural of Yellow Diamond]'' :'''Peridot''': Behold, Yellow Diamond! Isn't she magnificent? :'''Steven''': Wow! So, who are the Diamonds anyway? They seem like a big deal. :'''Peridot''': Are you joking me? The Diamonds are the Gem matriarchs! Together, they make up the Great Diamond Authority that governs Homeworld and all the outlying colonies! We live to serve them. ''[Garnet clears her throat and glares down at her in annoyance; nervously chuckles]'' I…I mean, we were all made to serve them, even though some of us don't anymore. <hr width=50% /> :'''Peridot''': This is so incredible! Only the most elite can enter these sanctums. We are literally walking in the footsteps of the Diamonds. :'''Steven''': They must really like stairs. :''[They enter an upstairs room with only a single mysterious object in the middle]'' :'''Steven''': Hey, what's this room? :'''Garnet''': ''[continues walking upstairs]'' It's not what we came for. :'''Amethyst''': Can we hurry it up? This place gives me the creeps. :'''Steven''': ''[as they reach the top of the moon base]'' We really are on the moon. <hr width=50% /> :''[Peridot brings up a hologram of Earth, which starts eroding to a hollowed-out version with a ring system as Steven and the Gems awe in shock]'' :'''Peridot''': Ta-da! A finished Earth colony. Wow, look at this! Eighty-nine Kindergartens, sixty-seven spires, a Galaxy Warp in each facet, efficient use of all available materials. What were you thinking shutting this operation down?! It could've been great! :'''Garnet''': No! You're wrong! :'''Peridot''': What do you mean? It's perfect. Look at it! :'''Pearl''': We ''are'' looking at it. :'''Amethyst''': Yeah, this plan stinks! :'''Garnet''': Completing this colony would have meant the extinction of all life on Earth! :'''Peridot''': But think of the good it would've done! The Gems that would've been made are empire expanded! :'''Pearl''': Rose Quartz believed all life was precious and ''worth'' protecting. :'''Peridot''': Well, if she wanted to protect it, she did a lousy job! There'd be no Cluster if the Earth had stayed a colony! Now there's no colony, and there's gonna be no Earth! So thank you, Rose Quartz, you doomed the planet! :''[Garnet, Pearl and Amethyst stare angrily at Peridot for a beat]'' :'''Steven''': Ohh-hoh-hoh! ''[nervously]'' Is there anything that's worth more than— ''[Garnet picks up Peridot]'' :'''Garnet''': You listen to me now. ''[summons gauntlet]'' You were talking about things that you do ''not'' understand. :'''Steven''': Garnet! Stop, please! It's not worth it. We're done here. Let's just go home. :''[Garnet drops Peridot on the seat and smashes the control panel with her gauntlet and the hologram dissipates; the Gems start leaving soon after. Steven sighs]'' :'''Peridot''': What'd I say? I'm just stating a fact. The rebellion didn't really save Earth, it just delayed the inevitable. :'''Steven''': ''[sighs]'' That's not the way they see it. They've spent thousands of years trying to protect the Earth. I thought maybe you finally understood why. === ''Message Received'' === :'''Peridot''': Wait! I— I wouldn't have called just to waste your time with a report. :'''Yellow Diamond''': You already have. :'''Peridot''': ''[nervously]'' No, I mean... The reason I called – the ''real'' reason... I believe we should terminate the Cluster. :'''Yellow Diamond''': ...''Why?'' :'''Peridot''': The organic ecosystem creates resources unique to this world. We can't sacrifice all that potential just for one geo-weapon! I'd like to tell you some plans I came up with to utilize the planet without disrupting the local— :'''Yellow Diamond''': I've heard enough! I don't care about potential and resources. :'''Peridot''': What? :'''Yellow Diamond''': I want my Cluster, and I want that planet to ''die''. Just make that happen. :'''Peridot''': ...No! :'''Yellow Pearl''': Huh?! :'''Yellow Diamond''': Are you questioning my authority? :'''Peridot''': I'm questioning your objectivity! My Diamond. :'''Yellow Pearl''': Well! ''[Yellow Diamond stands up]'' :'''Yellow Diamond''': You are out of line. :'''Peridot''': I just think— :'''Yellow Diamond''': I'm not interested in the puny thoughts of a Peridot. :'''Peridot''': But— :'''Yellow Diamond''': You have disrespected this channel and my time with your presence, and you would do well to— :'''Peridot''': But— :'''Yellow Diamond''': ''Shut your mouth!!'' ''[beat]'' You have failed at every stage of this mission! Your only chance to redeem yourself is to obey this simple order: You are to leave the Cluster to grow. It will tear apart the Earth, and I will take immense satisfaction in erasing that hideous rock off of our star maps! ''Is that clear?!'' :'''Peridot''': I won't do it!! I can tell you with certainty that there are things on this planet worth protecting! ''[Steven smiles]'' :'''Yellow Diamond''': What do you know about the Earth?! :'''Peridot''': ''[losing her temper]'' APPARENTLY MORE THAN ''YOU'', YOU... <big>'''''CLOD!'''''</big> ''[Yellow Diamond suddenly becomes incredibly livid at a petrified Peridot]'' Uhh... Peridot out. :''[She terminates communication; Steven and the Gems come out from hiding and happily congratulate Peridot]'' :'''Steven''': That was AMAZING! :'''Peridot''': ''[sweating and looking devastated]'' I can't believe I just did that... :'''Steven''': I was so wrong about being so wrong about you! :'''Peridot''': ''[still sweating and devastated]'' I can't believe I just did that...! :'''Garnet''': You thought you could change her mind. :'''Amethyst''': Yellow D got torn down by the "Peridactyl"! :'''Peridot''': ''[sighs and gives the communicator to Pearl]'' Can one of you take this? :'''Pearl''': Why? :'''Peridot''': Because it can be remotely detonated. :''[The communicator starts to glow red; Steven and the Gems panic while Peridot curls up into a ball on the ground]'' :'''Pearl''': How do we stop it?! :'''Garnet''': Just get rid of it! :'''Pearl''': Err, here, Amethyst! ''[passes it to her]'' :'''Amethyst''': ''WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH IT?!'' :''[She throws it to Steven, who bubbles it; Garnet punches it away into the sky, where it explodes harmlessly]'' :'''Peridot''': ''[still curled up]'' I thought I could reason with her... :'''Amethyst''': ''[grinning]'' Yeah, you ''REALLY'' made her mad. :'''Pearl''': ''[smiling]'' And then you insulted her to her face. :'''Steven''': ''[overjoyed]'' Do you know what this means?! :'''Peridot''': I'm a traitor to my Homeworld. :'''Steven''': ''You're a Crystal Gem!!!'' ''[hugs Peridot]'' :'''Garnet''': ''[smiling]'' Whether you like it or not. :''[Peridot starts groaning loudly as the camera zooms out to the whole of Earth]'' === ''Log Date 7 15 2'' === :'''Peridot''': Log Date 7 15 2. I can't believe I just did that! I disobeyed my orders and went against Yellow Diamond's wishes! I'm a traitorous clod! I never want to think about what I've done again! ''[stops recording, rewinds and plays the recording; laughs madly]'' And I called Yellow Diamond a clod! Right to her face! ''[falls to her knees]'' I called Yellow Diamond a clod. ''Right to her face.'' :'''Steven''': Uh, Peridot? Are you going to be okay? :'''Peridot''': ''[enthusiastically with a deranged smile]'' No! :'''Steven''': It's all going to work out. You're with us now. :'''Peridot''': You don't understand! I'm protecting a planet I was once trying to destroy! I used to follow every order, every rule. Now I'm a traitor. ''[cringes]'' A rebel! ''[eyes turn to stars] '''A CRYSTAL GEMMMMMMMMMMMM....''' ''[snickers]'' :'''Steven''': Well, that tape recorder seems to be helping. :'''Peridot''': '''NO IT'S NOT!''' ''[throws recorder at Garnet, who had just entered]'' It's a chronicle of my descent into madness!!! :'''Garnet''': ''[holding out recorder to Peridot]'' You dropped this. :'''Peridot''': Get it away from me! Give it to Steven. Return madness to its source! <hr width=50%/> :'''Peridot''': Log Date 7 11 2. The Steven has given me this Earth machine to replace my communicator log. It looks…extremely primitive. He also said he wanted me to stop calling him, "The Steven." :'''Steven''': It's just "Steven." :'''Peridot''': I said I'd call him whatever I want. ''[hisses viciously at him; Steven holds up his finger in her face]'' He told me that was rude. :'''Steven''': Rude. :'''Peridot''': I guess I'll him, "Steven." <hr width=50%/> :'''Peridot''': "Jokes." ''[opens up the joke book; clears throat]'' "Why did the chicken cross the road? The chicken wanted to get to the other side of the road." ''[laughs]'' What's a chicken? <hr width=50%/> :''[Steven installs a TV, inserts a VHS tape in it, and ''Camp Pining Hearts'' begins to start]'' :'''TV Narrator''': ''On the last episode of ''"Camp Pining Hearts"…'' :'''Paulette''': I don't care that you're on the yellow team, Percy. We can make this work! :'''Percy''': It's color war, Paulette. Doesn't that mean anything to you? :''[They lean in closer to kiss]'' :'''Peridot''': What is this strange ritual? :'''Steven''': Uh, that's um… :'''Peridot''': Are they attempting fusion? :'''Steven''': No, well, my dad told me during certain stages in your life-- :'''Peridot''': How could anyone indulge in this baseless drivel?! I'll have no part of it! ''[through recorder]'' ''Hour 78 of ''"Camp Pining Hearts."'' [repeating Percy's line] ''It's the color war, Paulette. Doesn't that mean anything to you?'' :'''Steven''': Uh, you've been here for a few days. Is everything okay? :'''Peridot''': I've just been… watching your previously recorded entertainment. :'''Steven''': Is that the same episode from three days ago? :'''Peridot''': There's more than one? :'''Steven''': Hmm... nah. Oh, you made a picture. ''[reaches a piece of paper before Peridot snatches it]'' :'''Peridot''': Picture?! This isn't just a picture, Steven! It's a complex chart cataloging the compatible characteristics between campers. Somehow, the rejects at Camp Clod fail to recognize the superior pair that is Pierre and Percy. :'''Steven''': Well, that's 'cause Paulette likes Percy. :'''Peridot''': Paulette? Ha! Paulette has ''no'' place in the camp's hierarchy. Now, Pierre-- Pierre is a brute! Pierre laid waste to the three-legged races. Pierre and Percy present the strongest battle formation. They'd destroy the camp! :'''Steven''': You got all this from one episode? :'''Peridot''': It's ''{{w|subtext}}'', Steven. Allow me to explain. ''[cut back to recorder held by Steven]'' ''Well, first of all…'' :'''Steven''': Ugh, I remember this part. ''[fast-forwards recorder as we see Peridot speeding through the entire session; Steven soon falls asleep with Garnet now sitting on the couch]'' :'''Peridot''': And that's why Percy and Pierre are objectively the best for each other! ''[Steven slumps down the floor; Garnet gives a thumbs up; tears up her complex chart, angrily]'' ''GRAHHH!!!'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Peridot''': Pearl really tries for some reason and I can appreciate that. Amethyst's company is entertaining as well, but the fused one… ''[sees Garnet for a long beat, she gives her a thumbs up]'' …eludes me. <hr width=50%/> :'''Peridot''': Why are you fused all the time?! :'''Garnet''': I'm Percy and Pierre. :'''Peridot''': ''[realizing]'' Ohhhhh! :''[Steven fast-forwards the tape recorder]'' :'''Peridot''': ''[through recorder] Okay, go.'' :'''Garnet''': ''[through recorder] Log Date seven fourteen two.'' :'''Peridot''': ''[through recorder] No, you say it seven one-''four'' two! [groans] Log Date 7 14 2. I have attempted a fusion with the fusion Garnet. I had hoped to gain a better understanding of fusion. Instead, I gained a better understanding of Garnet. :'''Garnet''': ''[through recorder] Wait, keep it on a moment. Steven, you probably shouldn't have listened to Peridot's logs, but I know your curiosity comes from a place of caring. You should give the recorder back to her now. She's going to want to keep it.'' :'''Peridot''': ''[through recorder] Wait, what?'' [[Category:Steven Universe seasons]] 84qyxt9junw2opn1516k391f5h9krf7 3153097 3153088 2022-08-10T02:08:16Z 162.197.99.132 /* Message Received */ wikitext text/x-wiki ---- :'''Seasons:''' [[Steven Universe (season 1)|1]] [[Steven Universe (season 2)|2]] [[Steven Universe (season 3)|3]] [[Steven Universe (season 4)|4]] [[Steven Universe (season 5)|5]] | [[Steven Universe: The Movie|Film]] | [[Steven Universe Future|Future]] | [[Steven Universe|Main]] ---- {{italic title}} The following is a list of quotes from the second season of ''[[Steven Universe]]''. === ''Full Disclosure'' === :'''Greg''': I saw the spaceship starting to leave and then it crashed and I came back and— ''[sees Steven's black eye]'' Ugh, your eye... But you're okay! I guess those jerks were no match for the Crystal Gems! :'''Steven''': No way! They were super strong! :'''Greg''': But you were able to beat them back? :'''Steven''': No, they totally stomped us! This warrior Jasper was super beefy and knocked me unconscious. Then they abducted me onto the ship because they wanted to take me away forever, and then we crashed the ship and I almost died! ''[Greg freaks out]'' :'''Greg''': W-What do they want with you?! :'''Steven''': They think I'm Mom. :'''Greg''': Ar-are more Homeworld Gems gonna come after you?! :'''Steven''': I— uhh... I don't know. Maybe? :'''Greg''': Steven, I'm supportive and very proud of you... and I'll be right back. ''[runs into his van]'' Gotta calm down. Where's my— ''[brings a series of CDs up front]'' Where's my relaxing music CD?! This one? ''[inserts CD; starts blaring loud metal music]'' Wrong one!! Stop!! Eject!! <hr width="50%"> :'''Ronaldo''': Oh! I see... You come up here to brood too! :'''Steven''': Brood? :'''Ronaldo''': Yes, Steven. That's just what people like us do. Suffer quietly, shouldering the knowledge no one else can bear. :'''Steven''': Hm. :'''Ronaldo''': As an aficionado of the weird yourself, you've probably noticed ordinary people fear the cold leaded anchor of the truth. The abyss is no Sunday swan ride. :'''Steven''': I know! My dad flipped out when I told him! :'''Ronaldo''': Sounds typical. But it's a good reminder. This is no easy path we've chosen here. There are... sacrifices. Look at them all down there, Steven. It's our duty to let those simple people live out their simple lives, without ever knowing the burden of being friends with us. :'''Steven''': At least we can be there for each other. :'''Ronaldo''': Is that giant hand from the sky sitting right in the middle of the beach?! I gotta get some of this for my blog! <hr width="50%"> :'''Amethyst''': Aw, come on! :'''Garnet''': No whining. We need to start cleaning up the debris. :'''Pearl''': Garnet's right. People are already coming back into town! :'''Steven''': We've got to keep them off the beach. If any humans got access to Gem technology, ''[shuts blinds]'' they could really hurt themselves. Maybe we should shut them out... for good. :'''Pearl''': You know... we did once have a fence. Let's get a new one—with barbed wire! :'''Amethyst''': This time, let's build a moat. I could be... ''[shapeshifts her head]'' the crocodi-i-ile!! Jazz hands! :'''Garnet''': No. :'''Amethyst''': Why not? :'''Pearl''': You always say you'll be the crocodile, but you never commit! :'''Garnet''': No fence either. :'''Amethyst/Pearl''': Garnet! :'''Garnet''': Steven needs to see his father and his friends. :'''Steven''': No, I don't! I can't keep clinging to the vestiges of my humanity. It's time I got serious. ''[his phone starts ring-toning again]'' Errh! :'''Pearl''': Steven, why is your communication device playing that song? :'''Steven''': It's Connie, trying to call me... but I can't face her anymore. :'''Pearl''': So... you're just going to ignore her forever? :'''Steven''': It's the responsible thing to do. :'''Amethyst''': ''[sees thru blinds]'' It's gonna be hard, 'cause she's coming up the steps right now. :'''Steven''': What?! === ''Open Book'' === === ''Joy Ride'' === :'''Steven''': Family stuff is tricky. :'''Buck, Sour Cream, and Jenny''': Mmhm. :'''Steven''': A few months back, my dad and the Gems grounded me from TV. :'''Buck, Sour Cream, and Jenny''': That's the worst. / Bummer. / No way! :'''Steven''': And then I found out that the Gems are alien rebels and that there are other Gems out in space that want us dead 'cause they think we're traitors. And they tried to take me hostage 'cause they think I'm my mom. And... maybe I kinda am? ''[sighs]'' I wish I could talk to Garnet, Amethyst and Pearl about it, but... I think they kinda blame me for my mom not being around. :''[Buck, Sour Cream and Jenny are in a state of shock for a beat. Jenny turns off the radio]'' :'''Jenny''': That's heavy. :'''Steven''': I guess. <hr width=50%> :'''Garnet''': Steven... you're ungrounded from TV. === ''[[w:Say Uncle (Steven Universe)|Say Uncle]]'' === :'''Steven''': What am I doing wrong? The Gems can all summon ''their'' weapons, why can't I? ''[desperately]'' Isn't there somebody who can help me?! <hr width="50%" /> :'''Steven''': Oh my gosh! Uncle Grandpa! You're really here, I can't believe it! I mean… I literally can't believe it. How is this even possible?! :'''Uncle Grandpa''': Don't worry, bro. None of this is canon. ''[pulls a real cannon out of Belly Bag]'' But this is! ''[launches his head like a cannonball with smoke trails spelling "APRIL FOOLS" and crashes into a ship with Lars and Sadie on it]'' :'''Lars''': Oh, no!! Our ship!! <hr width=50% /> :'''Amethyst''': Steven! :'''Pearl''': What's going on?! Who is this stranger? :'''Steven''': He's not a stranger, he's Uncle Grandpa! :''[Uncle Grandpa honks his nose]'' :'''Amethyst''': "Uncle… Grandpa"? :'''Pearl''': So that would make him Greg's brother… ''and'' father? :'''Garnet''': That would explain a lot. <hr width=50% /> :'''Pizza Steve''': Oh hey, it's just me, Pizza Steve—just the coolest and tastiest Steve who ever lived. :'''Steven''': Hi, Pizza Steve! I'm a Steve too! Steven Universe. :'''Pizza Steve''': ''Stee''-ven Universe... ''[pops out on top of Steven's hair]'' Come on, Uncle G. I've got two rules—no more than 40 or 50 vans, and only '''ONE''' Steve allowed! :'''Uncle Grandpa''': Yeah, but this Steven is special. :'''Mr. Gus''': Yeah. He's a Crystal Gem. :'''Uncle Grandpa''': Good mornin', Mr. Gus. :'''Mr. Gus''': What's up, Uncle Grandpa? :'''Steven''': Whoa, Mr. Gus! How do you know about me? :'''Mr. Gus''': I have a comprehensive knowledge of all magical denizens of the multiverse. I know ''ALL'' about the Crystal Gems. Come on, man, check this out. I even made my own Gemsona. ''[shows art of "Mr. Gusite"]'' My gem is on my tail, and my weapon is a fryin' pan. <hr width=50% /> :''[The Gems run frantically across the plot hole many times, stop for a breather]'' :'''Garnet''': There's got to be some way out of here. :'''Pearl''': ''[extremely panicked]'' WE'LL NEVER ESCAPE!! ''THIS'' IS OUR NEW ''HOME!!'' :'''Garnet''': Pearl, you're overreacting. :'''Pearl''': <big>'''I'M NOT OVERREACTING!!!'''</big> :''[Pearl runs around screaming until she crashes into Amethyst]'' :'''Amethyst''': Hey, where's Steven? ''[Pizza Steve walks in dressed like Steven]'' :'''Pizza Steve''': Lookin' for me, Pizza Steven Universe? ''[Pearl gasps, cowers behind Garnet]'' :'''Pearl''': That's not my baby! :'''Amethyst''': Ah, nice! ''[eyes on Pizza Steve]'' :'''Pizza Steve''': Whoa, hold on! :'''Amethyst''': ''Pizzaaaaaa!!'' ''[chases Pizza Steve offscreen]'' :'''Pizza Steve''': Don't eat Pizza Steve! ''[munching noises]'' :''[Amethyst walks back on, putting on Pizza Steve's sunglasses from out of her mouth]'' :'''Garnet''': Okay, I'm ready for this episode to end. :''[She stomps, causing the plot hole to crack and shatter, leaving them back at the beach]'' <hr width=50% /> :'''Steven''': ''[after finally summoning his shield; to Uncle Grandpa]'' I did it, Uncle Grandpa! I really did it! :'''Uncle Grandpa''': Yay. :'''Pearl''': Protecting HIM activated Steven's powers?! :'''Garnet''': He must really care about this stranger. :'''Amethyst''': I hope he didn't care about that pizza. :'''Steven''': Listen! It was a big, weird surprise when Uncle Grandpa showed up here today. We've never met anyone like Uncle Grandpa, but you can't just attack people you don't understand. You have to stick up for them, and listen to what they have to say. You guys always do that for me. :'''Pearl''': ''[blushing with tears in her eyes, feeling guilty and sorry]'' Steven, you're right. ''[cries]'' HOW CAN I BE SO BLIND?! I'M SORRY! :'''Amethyst''': I also apologize for Pearl. :'''Garnet''': Thank you, you taught us a valuable lesson, Uncle Grandpa. <hr width=50% /> :'''Uncle Grandpa''': Boy, that sure makes my eyes hurt. Now let's see here... ''[grabs a checklist revealing several other Cartoon Network protagonists]'' Dexter, Dee-dee, Blossom, Bubbles, Buttercup, Ed, Edd, Eddy, Billy, Mandy, Mac, Juniper Lee, Swat Kats, Flapjack, Finn, Oh! Steven! ''[checks off Steven's name]'' Now who's next? ''[Clarence's name is shown at the bottom of the list]'' === ''Story for Steven'' === === ''Shirt Club '' === :''[Steven rushes to the Beach House]'' :'''Steven''': Garnet! Amethyst! Pearl! :'''Garnet''': Steven! :'''Pearl''': What is it?! :'''Amethyst''': Whoa, where's the fire? :'''Steven''': It's an emergency! You have to help me take down all the shirts and stop Buck from making more! :'''Pearl''': Have the shirts come to life and and possessed the bodies of their wearers?! :'''Steven''': Uh, no! They just— :'''Amethyst''': Are people catching on fire when they put on the magic shirts? :'''Steven''': No! No, they're just— :'''Pearl''': Are the shirts destroying the wearer's will to continue on in this mortal coil, thereby shutting down Beach City!?! :'''Steven''': ''NOOOOO''!!! They're— they're just... using my art in a way I don't agree with. :'''Pearl''': Oh. ''[all Gems sit down]'' :'''Garnet''': Ah, we'll pass. :'''Steven''': What?! But— but I really need your help! :'''Pearl''': Steven, this sounds like a very abstract problem. :'''Amethyst''': It's not something we can ''punch''! :'''Garnet''': You must learn to help yourself. That's how you become stronger. ''[shades sparkle]'' :'''Amethyst/Pearl''': Good point, good point. / Oh, absolutely. :'''Steven''': But..! :'''Amethyst''': You figure something ''out'', Steven! :'''Pearl''': Yes! Why not dust off those conflict resolution skills? :'''Garnet''': Let your problem be known, then you can work towards an understanding. :'''Steven''': Oh... I'll make them understand. I'll make them all understand... ''[leaves]'' :'''Amethyst''': Eh, he'll be fine. === ''Love Letters'' === :''[Steven and Connie meet Jamie sitting on a log in the beach]'' :'''Steven''': Jamie! :'''Jamie''': Oh, hey, Connie and Steven. You guys come out here to stare at the ocean and think about life too? :'''Connie''': Uhh, no...? We came to, uh— :'''Jamie''': Yeah, life is crazy. One day, you're right here in Beach City delivering mail and then the next thing you know... you're on a bus to Kansas, following your dreams of becoming an actor. "Follow your dreams," they said. But no one said anything about all the rejection and sadness there was to be found. So many auditions day after day... So much rejection day after day... That's why I came back. ''[two seagulls crash into each other and fall into the sea]'' One more rejection would have destroyed my fragile heart. ''[sobs, chuckles]'' Sorry... sometimes I get caught up in the drama zone, you know? :'''Steven''': Yeah, right... Drama zone. :'''Connie''': Oh, by the way, we have something for yo— :'''Steven''': No, we don't! <hr width=50%> :'''Garnet''': I didn't mean to upset you. :'''Jamie''': Then will you go out with me? :'''Garnet''': No! :'''Jamie''': But I've loved you since the moment I saw you. :'''Garnet''': Love at first sight doesn't exist. Love takes time and love takes work. At the very least, you have to know the other person. And you literally have no idea who or what I am. ''[shades glimmer]'' :'''Jamie''': But I bloom for you like— like a... camellia... under moonlight? :'''Garnet''': No, you don't! ''[long beat]'' You make a very convincing lovesick fool. You convinced these children. ''[adjusts her shades]'' You even convinced yourself. ''[smiling]'' You're a fantastic actor. :'''Jamie''': ''[beat]'' ..What am I supposed to do now? :'''Garnet''': Start with local theater. ''[slaps Jamie's back, then walks away. Connie and Steven walk closer to him]'' :'''Connie''': Are you okay? :'''Jamie''': Yeah. That was some pretty solid advice. :'''Steven''': Were those more letters you wrote to Garnet? :'''Jamie''': No. That was the mail I was supposed to deliver on my last route. :'''Steven''': ''[beat]'' We'll help you pick it all up. :'''Jamie''': Thanks. === ''Reformed'' === :'''Garnet''': This is not a good choice for your form. :'''Amethyst''': Lighten up, Garnet. Can't you take a joke? :'''Garnet''': It's not funny. You've made yourself ridiculous. :'''Amethyst''': <big>'''''RIDICULOUS?!?!'''''</big> :'''Garnet''': Keep your voice down! The creature... :'''Amethyst''': Hrrr... You wanted me to be more like Pearl, and now I am!! :'''Garnet''': ''[low voice]'' Pearl would've taken her regeneration seriously! :'''Amethyst''': WHAT DO YOU CARE!?! MY FORM IS '''''MY'' BUSINESS!!''' :'''Garnet''': It's my business when it affects the strength of the team!! :'''Amethyst''': ..So what?! I'm not strong enough?! ''[gets dragged by the Slinker]'' :'''Steven''': Amethyst! :'''Amethyst''': '''ARE YOU SAYING... <big>I'M ''WEAK''</big>?!?!''' ''[poofs again; Steven catches her gemstone]'' :'''Steven''': Is it weird I'm getting numbed to this? === ''[[w:Sworn to the Sword|Sworn to the Sword]]'' === :'''Connie''': ''[fights off seagulls with her violin bow]'' Run back to your masters! Tell them we're not afraid of your kind! :'''Steven''': ''[chuckles]'' Thanks for saving my jam snack. Unfortunately, it's not safe from me. ''[munches it]'' You're such a good sword fighter, Connie. :'''Connie''': Really? I was just swinging this thing around. I don't really know what I'm doing, but I'd love to learn how to use a real sword! :'''Steven''': Oh! ''[gulps snack; starry eyes]'' Steven has an idea! :''[back at the Beach House]'' :'''Pearl''': You want me to do ''what''?! :'''Steven''': You should teach Connie to sword fight, she's already so good! :'''Connie''': Steven! :'''Steven''': But you are! Y-You helped me fight the robot floaty-thing, she took down that evil clone of herself, uh... those mean seagulls just now? :'''Pearl''': You're awfully young to begin something like this. But I suppose I was only a few thousand years old when I began fighting alongside Rose Quartz. ''[Connie raises her hand]'' Yes, Connie? :'''Connie''': Please! I want to learn! I mean, I don't know what'll happen in the future. But if something dangerous comes along... I don't wanna be a burden, I wanna help! I want to be there for Steven to fight by his side! The Earth is my home too. Can't I help protect it? ''[Pearl starts watering tears of joy]'' :'''Pearl''': Oh... okay... If that's how you feel... we should get started! :'''Steven''': Woo-hoo! ''[runs after her laughing]'' :'''Connie''': Wait, now? <hr width=50%> :'''Pearl''': All right, everything begins with your stance. Remember: :''[singing] You do it for him, and you would do it again'' :''You do it for her, that is to say, you'll do it for him.'' :''Keep your stance wide, keep your body lowered'' :''As you're moving forward, balance is the key'' :''Right foot, left foot, now go even faster'' :''And as you're moving backwards, keep your eyes on me.'' :'''Connie''': ''Keep my stance wide'' ("Good.") :''Keep my body lowered'' ("Right.") :''As I'm moving forward'' :'''Pearl''': ''Concentrate! Don't you want him to live?!'' :'''Connie''': ''Right foot, left foot'' :'''Pearl''': ''Yes, but put your whole body into it!'' :''Everything you have, everything you are'' :''You've got to give.'' :''On the battlefield, when everything is chaos'' :''And you have nothing but the way you feel, your strategy and a sword'' :''You just think about the life you'll have together after the war'' :''And then you do it for her, that's how you know you can win'' :''You do it for her, that is to say, you'll do it for him.'' <hr width=25%> :''Deep down, you know you weren't built for fighting'' :''But that doesn't mean you're not prepared to try'' :''What they don't know is your real advantage'' :''When you live for someone, you're prepared to die.'' :'''Connie''': ''Deep down, I know that I'm just a human'' ("True.") :'''Both''': ''But I/you know that I/you can draw my/your sword and fight'' :'''Connie''': ''With my short existence,'' ("Good.") ''I can make a difference'' ("Yes, excellent!") :''I can be there for him, I can be his knight.'' :'''Connie''': ''I can do it for him'' :'''Both''': ''You'd do it for her'' :'''Pearl''': ''Okay, now do that again'' ("Yes, ma'am.") :''You do it for her, and now you say'' :'''Connie''': ''I'll do it for him.'' <hr width=50%> :'''Amethyst''': ''[belly laughs]'' Wow, Garnet! That is the funniest thing I've ever heard! :'''Garnet''': Garnet, master of comedy. :'''Amethyst''': Hehehe... Yo, Steven. ''[pretend-yells]'' '''WHY ARE YOU STANDING THERE ALL SAD LIKE THAT?!?!''' :'''Steven''': W-well... Connie is taking sword fighting lessons from Pearl, but I think it's getting a little too serious. She wants Connie to do all this dangerous stuff for me. :'''Garnet''': That makes sense. :'''Steven''': What do you mean? :'''Garnet''': Back during the war, Pearl took pride in risking her destruction for your mother. She put Rose Quartz over everything — over logic, over consequence, over her own life. :''[Pearl and Rose switch to Connie and Steven, respectively. She charges at the enemy before cutting to Steven's horrified face]'' :'''Amethyst''': You okay, dude? :'''Steven''': I have to do something!! Thanks for telling me that, bye!! === ''Rising Tides, Crashing Skies'' === :'''RonaIdo''': I am now going to attempt to make contact with the mysterious, reclusive, ''[Steven comes out]'' and—ahh! :'''Steven''': Hi, Ronaldo! Uh, hi, Peedee. Is that a camera? :'''Peedee''': Yeah. We're making a movie about— :'''RonaIdo''': It's an investigative report, shot ''[[w:cinéma vérité|camera vérité]]''. :'''Steven''': Cool! :'''RonaIdo''': So... you wanna participate in a groundbreaking interview? :'''Steven''': Hmm. Only if ''you'' participate in a glass of fresh-squeezed lemonade! ''[walks back inside]'' :''[cue Ronaldo and Steven in the Beach House]'' :'''Steven''': Ohh, that giant hand? It was a spaceship coming to get us. :'''RonaIdo''': Us?! I knew it! Steven, we know too much! :'''Steven''': No, not "us" us. I-I meant me and the Crystal Gems. :'''RonaIdo''': Wait. So the hand wasn't here to snatch up humans for a human zoo? Or interfere with our subsidized Beach City wind farm?! Or thaw the cryogenically frozen pets of the one percent!?! :'''Steven''': Uh... no, I'm pretty sure it came to Beach City for me and the Crystal Gems. :'''RonaIdo''': Oh. So, if you and the Crystal Gems weren't here, we wouldn't have been attacked by the giant hand? :'''Steven''': Ohh-hoh-hoh! Definitely not. === ''Keeping It Together'' === :'''Pearl''': Garnet, you don't think Peridot would come looking for us, do you? :'''Garnet''': We weren't her priority. She was sent here to do something in the Kindergarten. :'''Pearl''': Do you think she's still going to try to reactivate it? :'''Garnet''': Mm. If she gets it back up and running, the Injectors will turn back on. :'''Steven''': Injectors? What're those? :'''Pearl''': You've already seen them. ''[projects hologram from her gemstone]'' Well, you've seen them disabled. If Peridot reactivates them, they'll pick right up where they left off, planting gems in the crust of the Earth, where they'll incubate and suck the life right out of the ground. We can't let Peridot restart Gem production here. If we do... ''[sighs]'' the entire planet will become… :'''Garnet''': Janked. :'''Amethyst''': Garnet! ''[laughs]'' That mouth! ''[sniggers]'' :'''Garnet''': Don't worry. We'll stop her. <hr width=50% /> :'''Steven''': We did it! Garnet? :'''Garnet/Ruby'''! So ''this'' is what Homeworld thinks of fusion! :'''Garnet/Sapphire''': We couldn't have known they would do this. :'''Garnet/Ruby''': ''This'' is where they've been…all the ones we couldn't find… they've been here the whole time! :'''Garnet/Sapphire''': Rose couldn't have known. :'''Garnet/Ruby''': This is punishment for the rebellion! :'''Garnet/Sapphire''': ''[breaking down]'' It's not our fault! :'''Steven''': Garnet! :'''Garnet''': S-Steven. :'''Amethyst''': ''[sliding down with Pearl]'' Yo! We're back. :'''Pearl''': Garnet, we lost Peridot. Her fingers were too fast for us. ''[two fused hands climb up on Amethyst and grabs them]'' Um… what are these things? :'''Garnet''': PUT THEM DOWN! :'''Steven''': Uh! :'''Pearl''': Wha...? ''[throws the hands away]'' :'''Garnet''': We need to poof and bubble all of them. We can't let any escape. ''[She poofs the hands as the screen turns black]'' <hr width=50% /> :'''Garnet''': What Homeworld did… taking the shattered parts of fallen Gems and combining them—those Gems weren't asked permission. Fusion is a choice. Those Gems weren't given a choice. It isn't right. It isn't fusion! <hr width=50% /> :''[Steven looks at Garnet as he takes the clothes out the dryer into the basket]'' :'''Steven''': What's it like... being a fusion? :'''Garnet''': You fused. :'''Steven''': I mean, like, all the time. Do you forget who you used to be? :'''Garnet''': You forget you were ever alone. You know when you fuse, you don't feel like two people. You feel like one being. And your old names might as well be names for your left arm, and your right. :'''Steven''': When you split up, is it like you disappear? :'''Garnet''': I embody my— I mean, Ruby and Sapphire's love. I always exist in them, even if I split apart. But the strength of that love keeps me together, so I can stay Garnet for a very long time. :'''Steven''': That's why you're so great! :'''Garnet''': ''[smiles]'' Ha. ''[Steven starts laughing, with a light blue colored sock being blown away]'' :'''Steven''': Oh, no! ''[Garnet catches it]'' :'''Garnet''': Don't wanna break up a pair. :'''Steven''': ''[holds peach colored sock]'' Yeah, you're right. ''[Garnet folds socks into basket]'' They belong together. === ''We Need to Talk'' === :''[Greg re-watches Pearl and Rose's fusion dance, practices and falls down]'' :'''Greg''': Ah, geez! How'd she get her legs to do that? ''[groans]'' :'''Amethyst''': Hey! ''[looks at face-to-face with Garnet]'' Are you dead? :'''Greg''': Wha? Uh, no, no. I'm alive. :'''Amethyst''': Whoa, cool! ''[jumps over Greg, runs to the TV]'' It's us from before! :'''Greg''': Yeah, I was just... trying to get my head around this fusion dance. :'''Amethyst''': A fusion dance ain't about your head! ''[laughs out loud]'' :'''Greg''': Wait... you guys are Gems. You gotta help me out here. I need to be able to fuse with Rose! :'''Garnet''': First, you need a gem at the core of your being. Then you need a body that can turn into light. Then you need the partner who you trust with that light. :'''Greg''': Metaphorically? :'''Garnet''': Literally. :'''Amethyst''': ''[whispers]'' Shh! Come on! I still wanna see him try! :'''Greg''': Ugh, so it's true. I really can't do it. ''[touches his face]'' I'm kidding myself with this! I'm never gonna be a Gem... ''[Garnet looks down and picks up a twig]'' :'''Garnet''': Amethyst... give us some privacy! ''[throws it far away]'' :'''Amethyst''': YEAH!! ''[scampers after it]'' :'''Garnet''': Let me tell you something, Mr. Universe. I think you can do it, but it won't work if you dance like Pearl. You have to dance like you. You have to fuse ''your'' way. Get open. Get honest. Invent yourselves together. ''[lowers her shades and winks left of her three eyes]'' That's fusion. :'''Greg''': EYE—think I get it. === ''Chille Tid'' === :'''Steven''': "Sleep is a curse, and yet a curse I need to live"—Steven Universe. ---- :'''Garnet''': Let me show you how it's done. ''(She falls over, stiff as a board)'' :'''Pearl''': That's pretty convincing. ---- :'''Steven''': Lapis! :'''Lapiz Lazuli''': No. I'm ''not'' Lapis anymore. We're Malachite now. === ''[[w:Cry for Help (Steven Universe)|Cry for Help]]'' === :'''Garnet''': It's as I feared. :''[The Communication Hub is glowing and shooting a beam of light towards the sky]'' :'''Pearl''': It looks like Peridot somehow repaired the Communication Hub. Well, at least some of it. :'''Steven''': So... we just gotta wreck it up again, right? (''to Amethyst'') You guys should form Sugilite! :'''Amethyst''': (''smiling a bit'') Yeah... Well, it's up to Garnet, I guess. (''smiling widely, to Garnet'') What do you say? ''[Pearl looks scared in the background]'' Shall we mash it up?... :'''Garnet''': No. :'''Amethyst''': But, don't we need to be huge like last time? :'''Garnet''': Last time was a disaster. Last time we fused, Sugilite went berserk. It's because of her that we can't even warp here anymore. (''takes off her visor'') I can be brash, you can be reckless. And we can both get carried away. So, for the time being, ''[She puts her visor back on and Amethyst's reflection can be seen in them]'' Sugilite is benched. What we need now is to be careful. ''[Steven gasps]'' It's you and me, Pearl. Let's fuse. ''[Pearl looks astonished as she begins to tear up]'' Don't cry, Pearl. ''[Pearl tries to not cry and quivers as she strongly breathes in through her nose, sniffling thickly]'' Come on, let's do this. :'''Pearl''': I'm right behind you. (''sniffling'') :'''Steven''': (''running towards them'') Woo-hoo! Fusion! Fusion! Fusion! Fusion! *sits to the left of Lion* (''Amethyst walks over'') :'''Garnet''': (''gemstones glow'') Ready. :'''Pearl''': (''grunts; stretches'') Hang on, it's been such a long time. ---- :'''Sardonyx''': Gooooood evening, everybody! (''struts over to Lion, Steven, and Amethyst and does a twirl'') This is the lovely Sardonyx! Coming to you ''a-live'' from the soon-to-be-former Communication Hub! How are y'all doin' tonight? :'''Amethyst''': (''sarcastically'') Great... :'''Steven''': (''gasps'') Giant woman! ---- :'''Amethyst''': ''Maybe you're better off with her / I think she's better for you / I forgot how great it felt to be us / Guess I got carried away. / I had to use you to make me feel strong / But I don't care about that now / I see a tower built out of my mistakes / And it all comes crashing down. / Is there something I can doo-oo / Is there something I can doo-oo-oo / Is there something I can doo-oo / Can I make it up to you?'' ---- :'''Amethyst''': Stop! :'''Pearl''': Is something the matter, Amethyst? :'''Amethyst''': You... you shouldn't. :'''Steven''': Pearl, we saw you. :'''Pearl''': (''shocked'') What? :'''Steven''': You need to tell Garnet it was you! :'''Garnet''': I don't understand. :'''Pearl''': I'm sorry. It's just... so much fun being Sardonyx with you. :'''Garnet''': ''[drops Pearl to the ground]'' ''That's'' why I couldn't see us finding Peridot. :'''Pearl''': Wait, let me explain! :'''Garnet''': You've been fixing the hub! :'''Pearl''': It really was Peridot! The first time. :'''Garnet''': You ''tricked'' me! :'''Pearl''': No! No, no, no, no! We just needed a reason to fuse! I just wanted to share a few more victories with you! :'''Garnet''': Those weren't ''victories''! :'''Amethyst''': Wait, Garnet! You know, we're so much weaker than you! Fusing with you is like our one chance to feel... ''stronger''! :'''Garnet''': Don't defend her! Peridot is out there somewhere and Pearl's been distracting us with... ''nothing''! :'''Pearl''': Garnet... :'''Garnet''': ''[angrily points at her]'' That's enough! ''[to Amethyst]'' Amethyst, fuse with me! :'''Amethyst''': But-! :'''Garnet''': (''clenching her fist'') Let's just get this over with. === ''Keystone Motel'' === :'''Steven''': Pearl! Where have you been?! :'''Pearl''': Looking for Peridot… For a few days straight. Steven, I know I might have… disappointed all of you. I know Garnet's very upset with me. But I'm going to prove to her that she can trust me again. ''[Garnet walks in through the front door]'' Oh! Garnet! I was just looking for Peridot! She's bound to be somewhere, right? Any new ideas? ''[Garnet says nothing and walks past her]'' I'm sorry ---- :'''Garnet''': ''[agitated, panting]'' Calm down... I don't feel like forgiving Pearl!... You don't understand, you must... If you're not going to listen, then you can just GO! ''[splits into Ruby and Sapphire]'' :'''Sapphire''': ''[calmly]'' We must move past this, Ruby. :'''Ruby''': ''[furiously]'' She ''lied'' to us so we'd form Sardonyx! She ''tricked'' us! Don't you feel used?! :'''Sapphire''': You're choosing to take it personally. :'''Ruby''': IT'S ''FUSION'', SAPPHIRE! WHAT'S MORE PERSONAL TO US THAN ''FUSION?!'' :'''Sapphire''': I know you're still upset... :'''Ruby''': Oh, so it's just me?! :'''Sapphire''': Of course not. Can't you see I'm completely engulfed with rage? :'''Ruby''': Well, it doesn't feel like it! :'''Sapphire''': The sooner we forgive Pearl, the better it will be for us all. :'''Ruby''': YOU'RE NOT AS ABOVE THIS AS YOU THINK YOU ARE! ---- :'''Sapphire''': ''[about Ruby, while she shakes the table]'' This will pass. She'll eventually just burn herself out. :'''Ruby''': ''[angrily]'' THAT'S WHAT ''YOU'' THINK! '''I AM AN ETERNAL FLAME, BABY!''' ''[flips the table]'' :''[while Greg talks to Steven, arguing with each other simultaneously]'' :'''Ruby''': You don't know me! :'''Sapphire''': How could I possibly not know you? We always fuse! We always fuse, what are you even going on about fusion? :'''Ruby''': Look at you! ''[laughing]'' You don't even know yourself! Ha! :'''Sapphire''': So don't act so ridiculous. :'''Ruby''': ''I'm'' ridiculous?! :'''Sapphire''': Yes, yes. ---- :'''Steven''': I was so happy when Garnet said she wanted to go on this trip with me and Dad! Home's been awful! Here's been awful! I thought you wanted to have a fun time, but everyone's been acting awful too! It... it just came with us! I don't understand! Is it... is it me? :'''Ruby''': ...No! Steven, it's all us! :'''Sapphire''': But we made him feel like it was his fault... I keep looking into the future, when all of this has already been solved, as if it doesn't matter how you feel in the present! ''[starting to cry]'' No wonder you think I don't care...! :'''Ruby''': Sapphire... No, nonononono! This is all my fault, I... I didn't want to look for a solution, I... I just wanted to be mad! You're right! You're always right! I was being stupid! :'''Sapphire''': I don't think you're stupid! :'''Ruby''': I'm... sorry. ''[gently brushes Sapphire's hair aside, revealing her sad eye]'' :'''Sapphire''': You honestly think I'm not upset about what happened? I was just... trying to do the right thing. :'''Ruby''': I know... ''[starts smiling]'' You know what's nice about being split up? :'''Sapphire''': What? :'''Ruby''': I get to look at you... :'''Sapphire''': ''[pushes her off, laughing]'' Be serious! :'''Ruby''': ''[hugs Sapphire]'' There's my Laughy Sapphy! :'''Sapphire''': Shh! You're embarrassing me in front of Steven! ''[cut to Steven, feeling awkward at the scene]'' === ''Historical Friction'' === :'''Steven''': Hey, Pearl! ''[sees a desolate Pearl sitting on the couch, looking at the ceiling]'' Pearl? :'''Pearl''': ''[jumps up]'' Steven! You're back! :'''Steven''': Yeah... ''[sits down]'' Show business is rough. :'''Pearl''': Is there something I can help you with? :'''Steven''': Not unless you can make William Dewey interesting. :'''Pearl''': How do ''you'' know William Dewey? :'''Steven''': I'm gonna be him in this play! But he's totally boring! He's perfect and he never makes mistakes. :'''Pearl''': ''[sigh]'' Wish I could say the same for myself. :'''Steven''': Yeah, but nobody's like that! Everybody gets stuff wrong, and then you have to keep going and it's hard, which is why it's great when you never stop trying! :'''Pearl''': ..When did you get so smart? === ''Friend Ship'' === :''[Steven and the Gems enter a room in the ship. Peridot appears on a projected screen]'' :'''Peridot''': ''[laughs]'' You Gems really are as dull as dirt! :'''Pearl''': You're the dull one if you thing you can fly this wreck! :'''Peridot''': ''[pauses]'' What? Can you speak louder? Some of these communicators are gunked up. :'''Steven''': ''[cleans off a microphone, speaks into it]'' Pearl says ''you're'' the dull one if you think you can fly this wreck! :'''Peridot''': ''[waits for Steven's response to come through] [laughs]'' Fly? I'm not using this vessel to fly. I'm using it to '''''TRAP YOU!''''' ''[a door closes, trapping Steven and the Gems in the room]'' Isn't this nice? No more Crystal Gems running around, messing with my plans, destroying my things. Looks like I've got you just where I want you. How does it feel to be so easily outsmarted, you '''''CLODS?!''''' :'''Pearl''': No... :'''Amethyst''': ''[speaks into the microphone]'' Hey, uh, this is Amethyst. I don't appreciate being called a clod, you clo- :'''Peridot''': Enough talk! Prepare yourselves for annihilation! ''[dramatically hits a button]'' Hiyah! ''[nothing happens, hits it again]'' Hiyah! :''[the room's laser cannons activate and take aim at Steven and the Gems]'' :'''Peridot''': It works! Yes! '''''DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIIIIE!''''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Garnet''': Pearl, stop. That isn't helping. :'''Pearl''': I have to do something. I can't believe I walked us right into Peridot's trap. This is all my… ''[Peridot's hologram disappears as the ground starts to shake]'' fault? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Pearl''': ''[thru screen]'' Garnet… I'm sorry! :'''Amethyst''': Wait a sec! :'''Pearl''': Things weren't supposed to turn out this way... ''[inside, Garnet punches the wall again]'' :'''Garnet''': We'll get outta here somehow. :'''Pearl''': ''[sighs]'' That's not what I mean! I really wanted to catch Peridot to make up for what I did... ''[Garnet withdraws her gauntlets]'' I wanted to prove to you that... that everything could go back to normal... :'''Garnet''': Catching Peridot won't make things go back to normal. ''[thru screen]'' This isn't about Peridot. :'''Amethyst''': Hey... they're actually talking! :'''Steven''': Now they can finally work things out! :''[soon, the gears start to activate and turn and start closing into the trapped two]'' :'''Amethyst''': Not if they get crushed! :''[both Garnet and Pearl push their unflinching sides]'' :'''Pearl''': Please! Tell me! How can I make you forgive me?! :'''Garnet''': You can't! You lied to me! You need to learn that there are consequences to your actions! :'''Pearl''': I'm sorry! I... I couldn't help myself! :'''Garnet''': ''[kicks opposite side of wall next to Pearl]'' I don't want to hear your excuses! :'''Pearl''': But it's true! No matter how hard I try to be strong like you, I'm just a Pearl. I'm useless on my own. ''[cries]'' I need someone to tell me what to do. :''[the walls suddenly stop moving; Both Amethyst and Steven pull her whip on its gears in its place. Garnet and Pearl pause for a beat]'' :'''Pearl''': When we fuse, I can feel what it's like to be you. Confident and secure, and complete. You're perfect. You're the perfect relationship. You're always together, I just... I wanted to be a part of that. :'''Garnet''': You're wrong! I'm not as strong as you think. I fell apart over this. Ruby and Sapphire were in turmoil over how you deceived me. ''[thru screen]'' I came undone. :'''Amethyst''': Whoa, that really happened? :'''Steven''': ''[nods]'' Hm. :'''Garnet''': It's not easy being in control. I have weaknesses too, but I choose not to let them consume me. I struggle to stay strong because I know the impact I have on everyone. Please understand, Pearl. ''[thru screen]'' You have an impact too. ''[inside]'' There are times when I look up to you for strength. You are your ''own'' gem. You control your destiny. Not me, not Rose, not Steven. But you must choose to be strong, so we can move forward. So I can trust you again. :'''Pearl''': I understand. I can't give up anymore! :'''Garnet''': Good. === ''Nightmare Hospital'' === :'''Dr. Maheswaran''': ''[sighs]'' I had a rough day at work and I'm not in the mood for any more surprises. :'''Connie''': Whatsyjf happened at work? :'''Dr. Maheswaran''': There was a really strange case at the hospital today, straight out of a ''nightmare''. ''[beat]'' Oh, don't worry, the rules of doctor-patient confidentiality keep me from sharing the graphic details, but... Hang on a moment. When did we get a coat rack? :'''Connie''': Oh, no... :'''Dr. Maheswaran''': A ''SWORD''?! Connie, where did you get this?! :'''Steven''': I-it's— :'''Connie''': I found it! I just... found it outside and I wanted to show it to Steven. :'''Dr. Maheswaran''': How could you possibly think this is okay?! :'''Connie''': It's— :'''Dr. Maheswaran''': Do you know how many children I see everyday in the hospital who've cut their faces off playing with swords?! :'''Connie''': I— :'''Dr. Maheswaran''': NONE!! Because they all have parents who love them, and who don't let them play around with deadly weapons like some kind of gang member! No playing with swords, under any circumstances! ''[her cell phone rings, answers it]'' This is Dr. Maheswaran. Yes, calm down, Stromberg. Another one? :'''Steven''': ''[to Connie]'' Is she gonna give it back? :'''Dr. Maheswaran''': All right, I'll-I'll be right there. ''[zips sword in duffle bag]'' I have to go to the hospital. I'll have a talk with your father to calculate just how grounded you are. ''[leaves, comes back]'' And we're using the abacus! ''[leaves again]'' :'''Connie''': I ''hate'' that abacus. Steven, I'm so sorry. She took your mother's sword! :'''Steven''': Maybe we can get her to change her mind? :'''Connie''': She never ''ever'' changes her mind. We've got to get that sword back ourselves. <hr width=50%> :'''Connie''': Mom... I'm really sorry about lying to you. It started off as a tiny secret, and then I felt like if I didn't hide it, you wouldn't let me see Steven ever again. :'''Dr. Maheswaran''': Is that how you feel? Are we too controlling? :'''Connie''': ..Maybe. :'''Dr. Maheswaran''': I just wanted to be a good mother. I... I just wanted to protect you. :'''Connie''': I can protect myself now! ''[Dr. Maheswaran pauses for a long beat, sighs]'' :'''Dr. Maheswaran''': Okay. ''[Connie winces]'' We'll... pull back on the rules, and I'll try to keep an open mind about ''[Connie's lenses]'' this, and ''[Lion]'' that, and... him. ''[Steven stays frightened]'' It scares me that you can't talk to me. I need to know what's happening in your life. I... I need to step in when you're in over your head. Would you just promise me you'll stop all this lying? :'''Connie''': ''[beat]'' That's a rule. ''[they embrace each other]'' :'''Dr. Maheswaran''': I love you, honey. :'''Connie''': I love you too, Mom. === ''Sadie's Song'' === :'''Sadie''': Please, Mom. Don't make me do this. :'''Barb''': Make you? You said you wanted to sing. :'''Sadie''': Yeah! I did! I did! I did, I did. Just like I say lots of things like, "Hey, Mom. Swimming looks fun", then bam! Suddenly, I'm anchoring a 400 meter relay for the Beach City Seals. "Hey, Mom. I thought signing up for softball would be nice." 6 birthdays later, I'm still getting nothing but kneepads and batting helmets. "Hey, Mom. I wanna sing at this year's Beachapalooza", and what do I get? THIS! I just thought, for once, I get to do things my way, but you came in and took over everything like you always do. :'''Barb''': I just wanted everyone to know how talented my daughter is. :'''Sadie''': THIS is not your daughter. :'''Barb''': ''[stunned]'' I'm sorry. === ''Catch and Release'' === :'''Steven''': ''[getting padded by Peridot]'' Why are you acting like this?! :'''Peridot''': You smashed me into a limbless cloud, you trapped me in your bubble dungeon, and you called me... ''cute''! ''[Steven evades her punch, face-flat on the floor]'' :'''Steven''': I didn't poof you! I freed you! ''[Peridot turns back]'' :'''Peridot''': Why would you make such a miscalculation? :'''Steven''': Back at the warp pad, what were you trying to say? Why do we need you? What do you know? :'''Peridot''': What do I know? Everything there is to know about the Cluster, you pebble! :'''Steven''': Cluster? Wait, pebble? :'''Peridot''': My mission. The reason why I'm on this sad rock in the first place! I was to check progress on the Cluster! Just in and out, before it hatches. I wasn't supposed to get stuck here! But now it's going to emerge and nothing can stop it, and we'll all be shattered!! :'''Steven''': Okay, okay, wait, slow down. Now, from the top—emerging, hatching, Clusters? :'''Peridot''': You wanna know? :'''Steven''': Yes. :'''Peridot''': You ''really'' wanna know? :'''Steven''': Yes? <hr width=50%/> :'''Peridot''': ''[in bathroom]'' Hmm... Seems I've discovered some sort of archaic... think chamber. Roomy, with a fresh hint of Earth citrus. ''[lifts toilet seat]'' A perfect crossroads for my escape. :'''Amethyst''': ''[fiddling the bathroom doorknob]'' It's locked. :'''Garnet''': Peridot, open the door! ''[flushing sounds are heard]'' :'''Amethyst''': Uh, if you're trying to flush yourself down the toilet, it ''won't'' work. ''[cut to Peridot spinning inside the toilet bowl]'' Trust me, I've tried. :'''Pearl''': How did she get out?! We bubbled her! :'''Amethyst''': Maybe we needed a bigger bubble. :'''Garnet''': My bubbles are fine. :'''Steven''': ''[sweating nervously]'' I did it. :'''Pearl''': ''[shocked]'' Steven, why would you do such a thing?! <hr width=50%/> :'''Garnet''': I'm tired of playing these games. If we can't fight her, fine. We'll talk. Peridot! :'''Peridot''': ''[slips off the sink]'' Whoa! :'''Garnet''': All right, no more fighting. Let's just have a civil conversation. :'''Peridot''': As if I'd negotiate with you, filthy war machine! :'''Garnet''': ''[summons gauntlets]'' Okay, let's kick her butt. :'''Steven''': Wait! :'''Peridot''': Yeah! Destroy me again! ''[hangs on bath curtain pole with a plunger]'' And have fun trying to talk to me when I'm in a ''bubble''! ''[almost slips off]'' :'''Pearl''': I really hate to say it, but unfortunately if she has information, she's more valuable to us like… this. :'''Garnet''': This is going to be tricky. ''[hear knobs turning, water splashing]'' :'''Peridot''': H-h-hot hot hot!! :'''Steven''': You have to turn the knob the other way for cold! ''[later in the kitchen with the Gems]'' Wait, so we're just gonna let her live in my bathroom? :'''Pearl''': Well, yes. What other option do we have? Keep her outside on a leash? === ''When It Rains'' === :'''Garnet''': ''[banging on the bathroom door]'' Open the door, Peridot! If this "Cluster" is putting us in danger, you need to tell us what it is so we can stop it! :'''Peridot''': No! I hate you! I'm not telling you anything about the Cluster! :'''Amethyst''': Oh, come on. Is it like a big, hunk of granola? :'''Peridot''': What's granola? :'''Pearl''': I'm sure it's not granola. Now, Peridot, I'm sure we can reach some sort of agreement. Perhaps a trade is in order? :'''Peridot''': Oh, sure. Why don't you just give me back my leg enhancements and my arm attachments with my screen and my log and all my information. Oh, wait, YOU DESTROYED THEM! So, no, I don't think we can reach some sort of agreement! :'''Steven''': ''[flushing the toilet]'' Okay, Peridot, you can turn around now. ''[exits the bathroom, clears throat]'' Sorry for interrupting your interrogation. :'''Garnet''': Don't worry about it, Steven. :'''Pearl''': I swear, Peridot is gonna crack any second now. :'''Peridot''': I'll ''never'' crack for the likes of you, you… Crystal Clods! ''[laughs]'' :'''Pearl''': ''[angrily]'' Ooh, I got your clods right here, you little…! :'''Garnet''': ''[puts her hand on her shoulder]'' Hold on, Pearl. If she's not gonna be of any help, let's investigate this thing on our own. :'''Steven''': I'll come with you. :'''Garnet''': Sorry, Steven. We're gonna need you to stay here and keep an eye on our…''guest.'' :'''Steven''': Really? :'''Amethyst''': Yeah. Make sure she doesn't try anything. :'''Pearl''': Don't worry. She's harmless without her limb enhancers. :'''Peridot''': I'M NOT HARMLESS! :'''Pearl''': Oh, hush up! <hr width=50%/> :'''Peridot''': These are the early attempts at artificial fusion. :'''Steven''': That's a lot of gem shards. :'''Peridot''': We were growing them here at this very site. But these were just prototypes for the final product, a singular giant artificial fusion, comprised of millions of gem shards…the Cluster. :'''Steven''': Peridot, you're saying there's a giant mutant gem the size of the Earth under us right now? :'''Peridot''': Oh, no. When it forms, it'll be much, much bigger than the Earth. Right now, it lies dormant, incubating in the Earth's core. But when it emerges and takes its physical form, it will destroy the planet. The prototypes are already emerging. The Cluster is next. If we can't get off this planet, we've got to stop the Cluster! I thought it'd be impossible, but now we have a chance. :'''Steven''': What is it? :'''Peridot''': ''[grabs Steven's shoulders and grins malevolently]'' It's you, Steven! ''[she and Steven climb out of the control room]'' Now that you're filled in, we can get to work! :'''Steven''': Uhh, how am I supposed to help? :'''Peridot''': Well, you have all the information that we need about Earth and its erratic behavior. Put that together with my expansive knowledge of the Cluster and we just might be able to stop it! :'''Steven''': No, Peridot, I don't think you get it! Just because I know how clouds work doesn't mean I know how to stop a giant mutant in the center of the earth! Besides, the only reason that I know anything about clouds and rain is because my dad told me. :'''Peridot''': What are you talking about? :'''Steven''': I used to be really scared of thunderstorms, just like you. Then Dad explained how rain and all that stuff works, then I wasn't scared of rain anymore. :'''Peridot''': Well, I'm sure you have other knowledge about how this planet works. :'''Steven''': Sure, but none of it's going to help us. If we want to stop this Cluster thing, we'll need help from the Crystal Gems. :'''Peridot''': I said I don't need them! Let's just warp me back to the bathroom, or whatever you call it, and we'll take care of this. If it looks really bad, then we can just ask this "dad" for help, right? === ''Back to the Barn'' === :'''Peridot''': What is that?! :'''Steven''': ''[speaking with the Cluster puppet]'' It's the Cluster. :'''Peridot''': It does not look like that. But it ''is'' real, and it can activate at any moment! :'''Amethyst''': What a cluster. :'''Garnet''': That abomination must be stopped. :'''Pearl''': But how? We'll need to build some sort of machine to take us to the center of the Earth, it'll have to- :'''Peridot''': ''[swats at Pearl, interrupting her]'' Hey! I wasn't finished speaking! What we ''need'' is to build some sort of machine to take us to the center of the Earth. <hr width=50%/> :'''Pearl''': All right. What we have here in the barn should be adequate enough for us to get started. First, I recommend we organize the component types, and assemble a rough blueprint based off what we have available. Sorry, Steven. It's a lovely drawing, but it won't look like this. ''[Steven stops spinning on the swivel chair, now frowning]'' :'''Peridot''': ''[examines piece of chalk]'' Hmm... Good. Yes, this is adequate. Thank you. You can go now. :'''Pearl''': ..Uh, what? :'''Peridot''': Hm? ''[beat]'' Umm, that will be all? ''[claps to her for a beat, whispers to Steven]'' How do you get her to leave? :'''Pearl''': Excuse me, I am not leaving. :'''Steven''': Yeah! She's gotta stay here to help us build the drill thing, right? :'''Peridot''': ''[laughs]'' No, no, you're confused. A Pearl can't build a thing like this. :'''Steven''': Why not? :'''Peridot''': Because Pearls aren't ''for'' this! They're... for standing around, an-and looking nice, and uh... holding your stuff for you. Right? :'''Pearl''': That's enough! If we're going to work together, you're going to have to listen to me. :'''Peridot''': Listen to you? ''[starts laughing, turns to Steven]'' Did you teach her to talk like this? :'''Steven''': What are you talking about? :'''Peridot''': She's a Pearl. She's a made-to-order servant just like the hundreds of other Pearls being flaunted around back on Homeworld. :'''Steven''': Wait... There's hundreds of Pearls?! :'''Pearl''': ''[nervous]'' Well... yes, but— :'''Peridot''': ''[holding Pearl's sash]'' And she looks like a fancy one, too. ''[Pearl gasps]'' :'''Steven''': Hundreds of Pearls... :'''Peridot''': So, who do you belong to anyway? :'''Pearl''': ''[grabs her sash away from her]'' Nobody!! :'''Peridot''': Then... what are you for? ''[Pearl recoils back]'' Well, you can belong to me for now. Ha! A Peridot with a Pearl? What would they say back home? :'''Pearl''': Now listen here, you tiny twerp! In case you've forgotten, you're on ''our'' turf now! And I didn't fight a thousand-year war for this planet's independence to take orders from the likes of ''you''!! :'''Peridot''': Excuse me? I am a natural technician and a certified Kindergartener. I was made for this! You were made to take orders, not to give them! :'''Steven''': Whoa, whoa, hang on, guys! Now, we can all agree that you are both good at building things, so... can't you just try listening to each other? :'''Both''': <big>'''''NO!!'''''</big> :'''Pearl''': I'm as good at building things as you! Better, even! :'''Peridot''': Hah! Name one thing you can engineer better! Go on! :'''Steven''': ''[whispers]'' Robots. :'''Both''': Hm? :'''Steven''': You should build robots. Giant robots! I see a race. A giant robo-race... with prizes. Giant robo-prizes! :'''Pearl''': You mean like a competition? :'''Steven''': Yeah! To see who's better at building stuff! :'''Peridot''': What are these robots you speak of? :'''Steven''': They're like those funky marble guys you were sending—only bigger, and you can ride them! ''[makes robot noises]'' :'''Peridot''': Hah! Building one of these robots will be easy! :'''Pearl''': Well, I can build one faster! :'''Peridot''': That's what you think! === ''Too Far'' === :'''Peridot''': ''[talking into a recorder]'' Log date 7 11 2. It's the third rotation of the Earth since commencements of a... collaborative approach to stopping the Cluster. :'''Pearl''': I've finished drawing up the blueprints for the drill head. Peridot, if you could come take a look at this? :'''Peridot''': Remind me again why I should listen to you? Oh, right. ''[plays recorder]'' :'''Peridot''': ''[thru recorder] "The Pearl here has developed an aptitude for engineering that I begrudgingly respect. But that doesn't explain the spontaneous singing... crying... singing while crying." [Amethyst laughs]'' :'''Pearl''': ''[to Steven] [annoyed]'' Why did you give her that? :'''Steven''': Well, we did destroy all her stuff. I thought it might help make her feel a little better. :'''Peridot''': ''[thru recorder] "Clod!" [fast-forwards] "Mighty clod!" [fast-forwards] "Running out of ways to say clod."'' :'''Garnet''': All right. I chased away those cows. Now let's get to work. :'''Peridot''': ''[to Garnet] [clears throat]'' Before we begin, would you mind unfusing? It's making me incredibly uncomfortable. :''[beat as Steven, Amethyst and Pearl nervously look to Garnet. The scene then cuts to Garnet leashing Peridot to a fence.] :'''Peridot''': ''[as Garnet walks away]'' What?! What'd I say?! :'''Steven''': Did we really have to do that? :'''Garnet''': Her having free reign of the place made ''me'' incredibly uncomfortable. <hr width=50% /> :''[Steven and Amethyst walk up to a leashed Peridot growling over a microwave]'' :'''Peridot''': I just need some sort of leverage optimizer... :'''Amethyst''': Leverage optimizer? :'''Peridot''': That's what I said. :'''Amethyst''': Ohhh! Ha! You mean you want a screwdriver? ''[laughing]'' :'''Peridot''': Do you have one or not? :'''Steven''': Uh... ''[hands a screwdriver]'' Why don't you just use this one? :'''Peridot''': Because it was outside my radius. :'''Amethyst''': He-hey... Hey, Peridot... ''[points to her nose]'' What do you call this? :'''Peridot''': A scent sponge. :'''Steven''': Huh? ''[Amethyst laughs some more]'' :'''Amethyst''': Okay... ''[opens her eye]'' what's this? :'''Peridot''': Vision sphere. :'''Steven''': Peridot, that's— :'''Amethyst''': Wait, wait, Steven! Peridot... ''[waves her fingers]'' these? :'''Peridot''': ''[getting annoyed]'' Touch stumps. :'''Amethyst''': ''[points to her foot]'' This?! :'''Peridot''': Gravity connectors. :'''Amethyst''': ''This''?! :'''Peridot''': '''THAT'S YOUR BUTT!!!''' ''[Steven and Amethyst laugh out loud]'' :'''Steven''': Oh, man, Peridot, you're killing me! :'''Peridot''': I am not! That would violate our truce agreement! :'''Amethyst''': No, no, no! You're funny! :'''Peridot''': Funny? <hr width=50% /> :'''Peridot''': The strangest thing is, Amethyst... you think you have to listen to them! ''[laughs]'' You are the one they should put you in charge! :'''Amethyst''': Ha! That's your best joke yet. :'''Peridot''': No, really. Pearl is a Pearl. Garnet is a fusion. I don't even know what ''he's'' supposed to be. :'''Steven''': Hey! :'''Peridot''': You're the only Crystal Gem that's actually a Gem! :'''Amethyst''': Uh... ''[laughs nervously]'' What? :'''Peridot''': You outrank everyone on your team. They should be listening to you. You're a strong, singular, fully-functional soldier, despite the fact that you're defective. :'''Amethyst''': ..Defective? :'''Peridot''': Well, sure. You're small. :'''Amethyst''': So? :'''Peridot''': Well, you're not supposed to be! Hold on, wait, wait. Let me guess. ''[points to Amethyst's hole]'' This— ''[runs to hole]'' This is the hole you came out of. Too small, too low, the exit marks look about 500 years newer than every other hole. Hmm... this place must have been empty when you came out. No wonder you have no idea what you're supposed to look like! :'''Steven''': Peridot... ''[Amethyst holds Steven on the shoulder]'' :'''Amethyst''': What was I supposed to look like? :'''Peridot''': Well, you're a quartz. They're huge, loyal soldiers. You should be twice your size. Broad shouldered, intimidating, but you simply stayed in the ground too long. :'''Amethyst''': Are you saying I'm wrong?! :'''Peridot''': ''[laughing]'' Gemetically speaking, yes. When you think about it it's also... ''[snickers]'' funny! ''[Amethyst feels more enraged]'' :'''Steven''': Amethyst? :'''Peridot''': Hey, soldier. Maybe you can help me get this hunk of drill off. :''[Amethyst violently slashes the drill head off of an Injector with her whip]'' :'''Peridot''': See? Look at that! You can do everything a normal quartz can do. Let's head back and shove this thing in Pearl's face! :'''Steven''': Amethyst? Are you okay? :'''Amethyst''': Don't worry about it. <hr width=50% /> :'''Pearl''': ''WE LEAVE FOR ONE SECOND AND EVERYTHING GOES OFF THE RAILS!'' :'''Garnet''': I blame the cows. <hr width=50% /> :'''Peridot''': ''[thru recorder]'' "''Log date 7 11 2. This entire planet is backwards. There hasn't been one instance of correct behavior exhibited by anyone of these Crystal Gems. I have concluded that they are all defective. But I am no better. I failed my mission and I'm now working with the enemy. And I can't even get that right. I have apparently "hurt" Amethyst's "feelings", which was not my intent. If I damaged my standing with the best Gem here, then I've made a serious mistake. I'm still learning. I hope you understand. I want to understand. I'm sorry. [pause] Peridot, Facet 5, end log.''" === ''The Answer'' === :'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Sapphire had been called to Earth by Blue Diamond, specifically to share her vision of the future. :'''Sapphire''': ''[enters her Diamond's palanquin]'' My Diamond, I have arrived. :'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Blue Diamond spoke… :'''Blue Diamond (Garnet)''': Sapphire, tell me what will happen here. :'''Sapphire''': I foresee the rebels attacking the Cloud Arena. Before they are cornered, they will destroy the physical forms of seven gems, including two of my Ruby guards, and myself. Immediately after my form is destroyed, the rebels will be captured. The rebellion ends here. :'''Blue Diamond (Garnet)''': Thank you, Sapphire. :'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Blue Diamond said, relieved. :'''Blue Diamond (Garnet)''': That's all I needed to know. :'''Sapphire''': I look forward to speaking with you again once I reform back on Homeworld. <hr width=50% /> :'''Rose''': ''[off-screen]'' Blue Diamond, leave this planet! This colony will ''not'' be completed! :'''Ruby Guard''': It's the rebels! :'''Various Gems''': Who are you?! Show yourselves! :'''Rose''': ''[floating from above Pearl]'' We… :'''Rose & Pearl''': …are the Crystal Gems! :'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' The attack was right on schedule. <hr width=50% /> :'''Sapphire''': Thank you, Ruby. You did your best. :'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Ruby suddenly realized what Sapphire meant. She'd known that Ruby would fail. Sapphire had accepted it. But Ruby… Ruby could not. :'''Ruby''': ''NO!!'' ''[charges at Sapphire, pushing her out of the way of Pearl's attack, causing them to spin into the air and accidentally fuse into Garnet for the first time]'' <hr width=50% /> :'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' The furious crowd closed in around Ruby and Sapphire. They'd never seen fusion of two different types of gems. :'''Various Gems''': Unbelievable! Disgusting! This is unheard of! :'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Blue Diamond's voice cut through the crowd. :'''Blue Diamond (Garnet)''': The rebels have fled. Sapphire, this is ''not'' the scenario you described. :'''Sapphire''': This is… not what I saw! I don't know what happened, I… :'''Ruby''': No! It was me! :'''Blue Diamond (Garnet)''': Clearly. :'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Said Blue Diamond. :'''Blue Diamond (Garnet)''': How dare you fuse with a member of my court? :'''Ruby''': Forgive me, I… :'''Blue Diamond (Garnet)''': You will be broken for this! <hr width=50% /> :'''Both''': ''Where did we go, what did we do?'' :''I think we made something entirely new'' :''And it wasn't quite me and it wasn't quite you'' :''I think it was someone entirely new.'' :'''Ruby''': ''Oh, um'' :''Well, I just can't stop thinking'' :'''Sapphire''': ''So, um'' :''Did you say I was different?'' :'''Ruby''': ''And you hadn't before'' :'''Sapphire''': ''Of course not'' :''When would I have ever?'' :'''Ruby''': ''I'm so sorry'' :'''Sapphire''': ''No, no, don't be'' :'''Ruby''': ''And now you're here forever!'' :'''Sapphire''': ''What about you?'' :'''Ruby''': ''What about me?'' :'''Sapphire''': ''Well, you're here too'' :''We're here together.'' :''Mm-m-m-m-mm'' :'''Both''': ''Mm-m-m-m-mm, hm-m-m-m-m'' :''Mm-m-m-m-mm'' :''Mm-m-m-m-mm...'' <hr width=50% /> :'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' I was back. I was someone and I didn't know who. But I felt I was getting the hang of my strange new form. ''[beat]'' And then I fell. :'''Past Garnet''': Ahh! ''[tumbling down a hill and crashes in bushes]'' Ouch... ''[a sword is pointed to her face]'' Aahh! Don't hurt her! Don't hurt... me? :''[Pan up to see Pearl as the sword bearer]'' :'''Pearl''': It's you... the fusion. :'''Past Garnet''': We didn't mean to fuse! Well... well, we did this time. We'll unfuse! We-we'll... w-we'll... ''[Rose Quartz comes by]'' :'''Rose''': No, no, please. I'm glad to see you again. :'''Garnet''': And there they were - Rose Quartz, the leader of the rebellion and her terrifying renegade Pearl. :'''Past Garnet''': I don't... upset you? :'''Rose''': Who cares about how I feel? How ''you'' feel is bound to be much more interesting. :'''Past Garnet''': How I feel? I-I feel... uh, lost... and scared... a-and happy. W-Why am I so sure that I'd rather be this than everything I was supposed to be, and that I'd rather do this than everything I was supposed to do? ''[Rose chuckles and smiles]'' :'''Rose''': Welcome to Earth. :'''Past Garnet''': C-Can you tell me?! How was Ruby able to alter fate? Or, why was Sapphire willing to give up everything? W-What am I?! :'''Rose''': No more questions. Don't ''ever'' question this. You already are the answer. :''[Flashback story ends as Garnet concludes]'' :'''Steven''': So…what was it? The answer? :'''Garnet''': ''[whispers]'' Love. :'''Steven''': Wow… I knew it. :'''Garnet''': So did I. === ''Steven's Birthday'' === :''[Steven runs and hides to an edge of the barn; he de-ages into his normal state]'' :'''Steven''': Ohhh, geez! If I can just keep this up for the rest of my life, no one will suspect a thi— :''[he sees wide-eyed Amethyst and Greg staring at Steven for a beat; he drops a piñata stick]'' :'''Amethyst''': What are you doing?! :'''Steven''': ''[stammers]'' U-uh— well, what are ''[ages back]'' you doing? :'''Greg''': What are ''you'' doing to your body?! :'''Amethyst''': Woah, woah, woah... Have you been stretching yourself out all day?! :'''Steven''': No! I was just... slouching. :'''Greg''': Why are you doing this? It... really isn't like you. :'''Steven''': Because, Dad! I can't stay a kid forever! When Connie grows up and becomes president, what is that gonna make me? First Boy?! :'''Amethyst''': Steven, you can't just keep stretching forever. If you hold it too long, you could really hurt yourself. :'''Steven''': Yeah, well, I'm half-human so maybe it works different for me! We'll just have to wait and see, right?! :'''Greg''': ''[sighs]'' Steven... <hr width=50%/> :'''Garnet''': ''[trying to cheer up baby Steven but fails]'' My power means nothing to an infant. <hr width=50%/> :''[Greg, Connie and Amethyst (as a baby car seat for baby Steven) drive up in his van; Connie waves a maraca trying to calm down baby Steven]'' :'''Connie''': How can the Gems not know what to do?! :'''Greg''': You think they know the first thing about raising a baby? That was all me! But I don't get it. Driving always used to calm him down. :'''Connie''': But, how do we change him back?! :'''Greg''': I don't know! Look, Connie, let me take you home. I-I'll call you when this all this gets sorted out. :''[Connie turns to baby Steven babbling and crying]'' :'''Connie''': W-Wait, no! I wanna stay. :'''Greg''': Are you sure? :'''Connie''': Yeah! I just want to be there for Steven. Don't worry, Steven. It doesn't matter to me what age it seems like you are, I wanna hang out with you no matter what. Your dad still has to earn his car wash and the Gems have to do gem stuff, so I'll watch you when they're not around. I can come see you after I'm done training with Pearl, too. Doesn't that sound fun? ''[baby Steven holds onto her finger; coos happily]'' :'''Greg''': Look at that! He finally stopped crying. :'''Connie''': Well, that's a start. ''[Amethyst clears her throat]'' :'''Greg''': What's up, Amethyst? :'''Amethyst''': Baby Steven needs changin'. === ''It Could've Been Great'' === :'''Steven''': ''Life and death and love and birth'' :''And peace and war on the planet Earth'' :''Is there anything that's worth more'' :''Than peace and love on the planet Earth?'' :''Whoahh, come on and sing it with me'' :'''Peridot''': Sing? :'''Steven''': ''The words relate to the key'' :'''Peridot''': Key? :'''Steven''': ''If it's a pattern, if it's a pattern'' :''Then just repeat after me.'' :''Life and death and love and birth'' :'''Peridot''': ''Life and death and love and birth'' :'''Steven''': ''Now using mi-fa-mi-mi-fa-mi-ti-la!'' :'''Both''': ''And peace and war on the planet Earth.'' :'''Steven''': Yes, yes! That's it! :'''Peridot''': That's so easy. :'''Steven''': Yeah, but that's what's fun about it! You should write something, you should write a song. :'''Peridot''': About what? :'''Steven''': Whatever you're thinking. <hr width=25% /> :'''Peridot''': ''I guess we're already here, I guess we already know'' :''We've all got something to fear, we've all got nowhere to go'' :''I think you're all '''insane''', but I guess I am too'' :''Anybody would be if they were stuck on Earth with you.'' :'''Steven''': ''[laughing]'' Yes! ''Life and death and love and birth and'' :'''Amethyst''': ''Life and death and love and birth and'' :'''Pearl''': ''Life and death and love and birth'' :''And peace and war on the planet Earth.'' :'''Garnet''': ''Is there anything that's worth more'' :'''Steven''': ''Is there anything that's worth more'' :'''Peridot''': ''Is there anything that's worth more'' :''Than peace and love on the planet Earth?'' <hr width=50% /> :'''Steven''': Huh? Hey, Peridot, who is this supposed to be? :'''Peridot''': ''[runs up and gasps at the mural]'' It's Blue Diamond! Wait. Are they ''all'' here?! Ah, yes! There she is! :'''Steven''': Who? :''[They run up to the mural of Yellow Diamond]'' :'''Peridot''': Behold, Yellow Diamond! Isn't she magnificent? :'''Steven''': Wow! So, who are the Diamonds anyway? They seem like a big deal. :'''Peridot''': Are you joking me? The Diamonds are the Gem matriarchs! Together, they make up the Great Diamond Authority that governs Homeworld and all the outlying colonies! We live to serve them. ''[Garnet clears her throat and glares down at her in annoyance; nervously chuckles]'' I…I mean, we were all made to serve them, even though some of us don't anymore. <hr width=50% /> :'''Peridot''': This is so incredible! Only the most elite can enter these sanctums. We are literally walking in the footsteps of the Diamonds. :'''Steven''': They must really like stairs. :''[They enter an upstairs room with only a single mysterious object in the middle]'' :'''Steven''': Hey, what's this room? :'''Garnet''': ''[continues walking upstairs]'' It's not what we came for. :'''Amethyst''': Can we hurry it up? This place gives me the creeps. :'''Steven''': ''[as they reach the top of the moon base]'' We really are on the moon. <hr width=50% /> :''[Peridot brings up a hologram of Earth, which starts eroding to a hollowed-out version with a ring system as Steven and the Gems awe in shock]'' :'''Peridot''': Ta-da! A finished Earth colony. Wow, look at this! Eighty-nine Kindergartens, sixty-seven spires, a Galaxy Warp in each facet, efficient use of all available materials. What were you thinking shutting this operation down?! It could've been great! :'''Garnet''': No! You're wrong! :'''Peridot''': What do you mean? It's perfect. Look at it! :'''Pearl''': We ''are'' looking at it. :'''Amethyst''': Yeah, this plan stinks! :'''Garnet''': Completing this colony would have meant the extinction of all life on Earth! :'''Peridot''': But think of the good it would've done! The Gems that would've been made are empire expanded! :'''Pearl''': Rose Quartz believed all life was precious and ''worth'' protecting. :'''Peridot''': Well, if she wanted to protect it, she did a lousy job! There'd be no Cluster if the Earth had stayed a colony! Now there's no colony, and there's gonna be no Earth! So thank you, Rose Quartz, you doomed the planet! :''[Garnet, Pearl and Amethyst stare angrily at Peridot for a beat]'' :'''Steven''': Ohh-hoh-hoh! ''[nervously]'' Is there anything that's worth more than— ''[Garnet picks up Peridot]'' :'''Garnet''': You listen to me now. ''[summons gauntlet]'' You were talking about things that you do ''not'' understand. :'''Steven''': Garnet! Stop, please! It's not worth it. We're done here. Let's just go home. :''[Garnet drops Peridot on the seat and smashes the control panel with her gauntlet and the hologram dissipates; the Gems start leaving soon after. Steven sighs]'' :'''Peridot''': What'd I say? I'm just stating a fact. The rebellion didn't really save Earth, it just delayed the inevitable. :'''Steven''': ''[sighs]'' That's not the way they see it. They've spent thousands of years trying to protect the Earth. I thought maybe you finally understood why. === ''Message Received'' === :'''Peridot''': ''[quickly hides the Diamond Communicator prism she took from the Moon Base behind her back when she sees Steven]'' Oh! Steven. :'''Steven''': Peridot, I need to talk to you. :'''Peridot''': Uh, yeah! Sure. :''[They both enter the truck]'' :'''Peridot''': Why are we in this broken down vehicle? :'''Steven''': I wanted to ask you…about the Diamonds? :'''Peridot''': Oh! I don't know what the others have told you, but there's a reason they're in charge. :'''Steven''': Why's that? :'''Peridot''': They're objectively better than us. Every Gem has their strengths and weaknesses, but not them. They're absolutely totally completely flawless beings! Especially my diamond, Yellow Diamond, the most perfect, the most reasonable, rational, efficient decider ever to exist in the universe! :'''Steven''': You're really loyal to her, aren't you? :'''Peridot''': How could I not be? We might have our little truce, but I'll never forsake the Gem I was made for! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Yellow Pearl''': This is the Yellow Diamond control room. :'''Amethyst''': Is that another Pearl? :'''Steven''': Who is she? :'''Pearl''': Not all Pearls know each other, Steven. :'''Yellow Pearl''': Who authorized you to make this call? :'''Peridot''': No one. But it's an emergency! :'''Yellow Pearl''': That's no excuse to use the direct Diamond communication channel. :'''Yellow Diamond''': Pearl? :'''Yellow Pearl''': Yes, my Diamond? :'''Yellow Diamond''': Why is there someone on the Diamond line? :'''Yellow Pearl''': I don't know. I was just about to tell her that- :'''Yellow Diamond''': I'll take it from here. ''[brings the screen up to her eye level, revealing herself]'' :''[The Crystal Gems gasp in shock]'' :'''Amethyst''': Is that… :'''Pearl''': Yellow… :'''Garnet''': Diamond. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Peridot''': Wait! I— I wouldn't have called just to waste your time with a report. :'''Yellow Diamond''': You already have. :'''Peridot''': ''[nervously]'' No, I mean... The reason I called – the ''real'' reason... I believe we should terminate the Cluster. :'''Yellow Diamond''': ...''Why?'' :'''Peridot''': The organic ecosystem creates resources unique to this world. We can't sacrifice all that potential just for one geo-weapon! I'd like to tell you some plans I came up with to utilize the planet without disrupting the local— :'''Yellow Diamond''': I've heard enough! I don't care about potential and resources. :'''Peridot''': What? :'''Yellow Diamond''': I want my Cluster, and I want that planet to ''die''. Just make that happen. :'''Peridot''': ...No! :'''Yellow Pearl''': Huh?! :'''Yellow Diamond''': Are you questioning my authority? :'''Peridot''': I'm questioning your objectivity! My Diamond. :'''Yellow Pearl''': Well! ''[Yellow Diamond stands up]'' :'''Yellow Diamond''': You are out of line. :'''Peridot''': I just think— :'''Yellow Diamond''': I'm not interested in the puny thoughts of a Peridot. :'''Peridot''': But— :'''Yellow Diamond''': You have disrespected this channel and my time with your presence, and you would do well to— :'''Peridot''': But— :'''Yellow Diamond''': ''Shut your mouth!!'' ''[beat]'' You have failed at every stage of this mission! Your only chance to redeem yourself is to obey this simple order: You are to leave the Cluster to grow. It will tear apart the Earth, and I will take immense satisfaction in erasing that hideous rock off of our star maps! ''Is that clear?!'' :'''Peridot''': I won't do it!! I can tell you with certainty that there are things on this planet worth protecting! ''[Steven smiles]'' :'''Yellow Diamond''': What do you know about the Earth?! :'''Peridot''': ''[losing her temper]'' APPARENTLY MORE THAN ''YOU'', YOU... <big>'''''CLOD!'''''</big> ''[Yellow Diamond suddenly becomes incredibly livid at a petrified Peridot]'' Uhh... Peridot out. :''[She terminates communication; Steven and the Gems come out from hiding and happily congratulate Peridot]'' :'''Steven''': That was AMAZING! :'''Peridot''': ''[sweating and looking devastated]'' I can't believe I just did that... :'''Steven''': I was so wrong about being so wrong about you! :'''Peridot''': ''[still sweating and devastated]'' I can't believe I just did that...! :'''Garnet''': You thought you could change her mind. :'''Amethyst''': Yellow D got torn down by the "Peridactyl"! :'''Peridot''': ''[sighs and gives the communicator to Pearl]'' Can one of you take this? :'''Pearl''': Why? :'''Peridot''': Because it can be remotely detonated. :''[The communicator starts to glow red; Steven and the Gems panic while Peridot curls up into a ball on the ground]'' :'''Pearl''': How do we stop it?! :'''Garnet''': Just get rid of it! :'''Pearl''': Err, here, Amethyst! ''[passes it to her]'' :'''Amethyst''': ''WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH IT?!'' :''[She throws it to Steven, who bubbles it; Garnet punches it away into the sky, where it explodes harmlessly]'' :'''Peridot''': ''[still curled up]'' I thought I could reason with her... :'''Amethyst''': ''[grinning]'' Yeah, you ''REALLY'' made her mad. :'''Pearl''': ''[smiling]'' And then you insulted her to her face. :'''Steven''': ''[overjoyed]'' Do you know what this means?! :'''Peridot''': I'm a traitor to my Homeworld. :'''Steven''': ''You're a Crystal Gem!!!'' ''[hugs Peridot]'' :'''Garnet''': ''[smiling]'' Whether you like it or not. :''[Peridot starts groaning loudly as the camera zooms out to the whole of Earth]'' === ''Log Date 7 15 2'' === :'''Peridot''': Log Date 7 15 2. I can't believe I just did that! I disobeyed my orders and went against Yellow Diamond's wishes! I'm a traitorous clod! I never want to think about what I've done again! ''[stops recording, rewinds and plays the recording; laughs madly]'' And I called Yellow Diamond a clod! Right to her face! ''[falls to her knees]'' I called Yellow Diamond a clod. ''Right to her face.'' :'''Steven''': Uh, Peridot? Are you going to be okay? :'''Peridot''': ''[enthusiastically with a deranged smile]'' No! :'''Steven''': It's all going to work out. You're with us now. :'''Peridot''': You don't understand! I'm protecting a planet I was once trying to destroy! I used to follow every order, every rule. Now I'm a traitor. ''[cringes]'' A rebel! ''[eyes turn to stars] '''A CRYSTAL GEMMMMMMMMMMMM....''' ''[snickers]'' :'''Steven''': Well, that tape recorder seems to be helping. :'''Peridot''': '''NO IT'S NOT!''' ''[throws recorder at Garnet, who had just entered]'' It's a chronicle of my descent into madness!!! :'''Garnet''': ''[holding out recorder to Peridot]'' You dropped this. :'''Peridot''': Get it away from me! Give it to Steven. Return madness to its source! <hr width=50%/> :'''Peridot''': Log Date 7 11 2. The Steven has given me this Earth machine to replace my communicator log. It looks…extremely primitive. He also said he wanted me to stop calling him, "The Steven." :'''Steven''': It's just "Steven." :'''Peridot''': I said I'd call him whatever I want. ''[hisses viciously at him; Steven holds up his finger in her face]'' He told me that was rude. :'''Steven''': Rude. :'''Peridot''': I guess I'll him, "Steven." <hr width=50%/> :'''Peridot''': "Jokes." ''[opens up the joke book; clears throat]'' "Why did the chicken cross the road? The chicken wanted to get to the other side of the road." ''[laughs]'' What's a chicken? <hr width=50%/> :''[Steven installs a TV, inserts a VHS tape in it, and ''Camp Pining Hearts'' begins to start]'' :'''TV Narrator''': ''On the last episode of ''"Camp Pining Hearts"…'' :'''Paulette''': I don't care that you're on the yellow team, Percy. We can make this work! :'''Percy''': It's color war, Paulette. Doesn't that mean anything to you? :''[They lean in closer to kiss]'' :'''Peridot''': What is this strange ritual? :'''Steven''': Uh, that's um… :'''Peridot''': Are they attempting fusion? :'''Steven''': No, well, my dad told me during certain stages in your life-- :'''Peridot''': How could anyone indulge in this baseless drivel?! I'll have no part of it! ''[through recorder]'' ''Hour 78 of ''"Camp Pining Hearts."'' [repeating Percy's line] ''It's the color war, Paulette. Doesn't that mean anything to you?'' :'''Steven''': Uh, you've been here for a few days. Is everything okay? :'''Peridot''': I've just been… watching your previously recorded entertainment. :'''Steven''': Is that the same episode from three days ago? :'''Peridot''': There's more than one? :'''Steven''': Hmm... nah. Oh, you made a picture. ''[reaches a piece of paper before Peridot snatches it]'' :'''Peridot''': Picture?! This isn't just a picture, Steven! It's a complex chart cataloging the compatible characteristics between campers. Somehow, the rejects at Camp Clod fail to recognize the superior pair that is Pierre and Percy. :'''Steven''': Well, that's 'cause Paulette likes Percy. :'''Peridot''': Paulette? Ha! Paulette has ''no'' place in the camp's hierarchy. Now, Pierre-- Pierre is a brute! Pierre laid waste to the three-legged races. Pierre and Percy present the strongest battle formation. They'd destroy the camp! :'''Steven''': You got all this from one episode? :'''Peridot''': It's ''{{w|subtext}}'', Steven. Allow me to explain. ''[cut back to recorder held by Steven]'' ''Well, first of all…'' :'''Steven''': Ugh, I remember this part. ''[fast-forwards recorder as we see Peridot speeding through the entire session; Steven soon falls asleep with Garnet now sitting on the couch]'' :'''Peridot''': And that's why Percy and Pierre are objectively the best for each other! ''[Steven slumps down the floor; Garnet gives a thumbs up; tears up her complex chart, angrily]'' ''GRAHHH!!!'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Peridot''': Pearl really tries for some reason and I can appreciate that. Amethyst's company is entertaining as well, but the fused one… ''[sees Garnet for a long beat, she gives her a thumbs up]'' …eludes me. <hr width=50%/> :'''Peridot''': Why are you fused all the time?! :'''Garnet''': I'm Percy and Pierre. :'''Peridot''': ''[realizing]'' Ohhhhh! :''[Steven fast-forwards the tape recorder]'' :'''Peridot''': ''[through recorder] Okay, go.'' :'''Garnet''': ''[through recorder] Log Date seven fourteen two.'' :'''Peridot''': ''[through recorder] No, you say it seven one-''four'' two! [groans] Log Date 7 14 2. I have attempted a fusion with the fusion Garnet. I had hoped to gain a better understanding of fusion. Instead, I gained a better understanding of Garnet. :'''Garnet''': ''[through recorder] Wait, keep it on a moment. Steven, you probably shouldn't have listened to Peridot's logs, but I know your curiosity comes from a place of caring. You should give the recorder back to her now. She's going to want to keep it.'' :'''Peridot''': ''[through recorder] Wait, what?'' [[Category:Steven Universe seasons]] nbiuwi1v1ti0my08qj5gl4rhy57aqs0 3153100 3153097 2022-08-10T02:11:35Z 162.197.99.132 /* Message Received */ wikitext text/x-wiki ---- :'''Seasons:''' [[Steven Universe (season 1)|1]] [[Steven Universe (season 2)|2]] [[Steven Universe (season 3)|3]] [[Steven Universe (season 4)|4]] [[Steven Universe (season 5)|5]] | [[Steven Universe: The Movie|Film]] | [[Steven Universe Future|Future]] | [[Steven Universe|Main]] ---- {{italic title}} The following is a list of quotes from the second season of ''[[Steven Universe]]''. === ''Full Disclosure'' === :'''Greg''': I saw the spaceship starting to leave and then it crashed and I came back and— ''[sees Steven's black eye]'' Ugh, your eye... But you're okay! I guess those jerks were no match for the Crystal Gems! :'''Steven''': No way! They were super strong! :'''Greg''': But you were able to beat them back? :'''Steven''': No, they totally stomped us! This warrior Jasper was super beefy and knocked me unconscious. Then they abducted me onto the ship because they wanted to take me away forever, and then we crashed the ship and I almost died! ''[Greg freaks out]'' :'''Greg''': W-What do they want with you?! :'''Steven''': They think I'm Mom. :'''Greg''': Ar-are more Homeworld Gems gonna come after you?! :'''Steven''': I— uhh... I don't know. Maybe? :'''Greg''': Steven, I'm supportive and very proud of you... and I'll be right back. ''[runs into his van]'' Gotta calm down. Where's my— ''[brings a series of CDs up front]'' Where's my relaxing music CD?! This one? ''[inserts CD; starts blaring loud metal music]'' Wrong one!! Stop!! Eject!! <hr width="50%"> :'''Ronaldo''': Oh! I see... You come up here to brood too! :'''Steven''': Brood? :'''Ronaldo''': Yes, Steven. That's just what people like us do. Suffer quietly, shouldering the knowledge no one else can bear. :'''Steven''': Hm. :'''Ronaldo''': As an aficionado of the weird yourself, you've probably noticed ordinary people fear the cold leaded anchor of the truth. The abyss is no Sunday swan ride. :'''Steven''': I know! My dad flipped out when I told him! :'''Ronaldo''': Sounds typical. But it's a good reminder. This is no easy path we've chosen here. There are... sacrifices. Look at them all down there, Steven. It's our duty to let those simple people live out their simple lives, without ever knowing the burden of being friends with us. :'''Steven''': At least we can be there for each other. :'''Ronaldo''': Is that giant hand from the sky sitting right in the middle of the beach?! I gotta get some of this for my blog! <hr width="50%"> :'''Amethyst''': Aw, come on! :'''Garnet''': No whining. We need to start cleaning up the debris. :'''Pearl''': Garnet's right. People are already coming back into town! :'''Steven''': We've got to keep them off the beach. If any humans got access to Gem technology, ''[shuts blinds]'' they could really hurt themselves. Maybe we should shut them out... for good. :'''Pearl''': You know... we did once have a fence. Let's get a new one—with barbed wire! :'''Amethyst''': This time, let's build a moat. I could be... ''[shapeshifts her head]'' the crocodi-i-ile!! Jazz hands! :'''Garnet''': No. :'''Amethyst''': Why not? :'''Pearl''': You always say you'll be the crocodile, but you never commit! :'''Garnet''': No fence either. :'''Amethyst/Pearl''': Garnet! :'''Garnet''': Steven needs to see his father and his friends. :'''Steven''': No, I don't! I can't keep clinging to the vestiges of my humanity. It's time I got serious. ''[his phone starts ring-toning again]'' Errh! :'''Pearl''': Steven, why is your communication device playing that song? :'''Steven''': It's Connie, trying to call me... but I can't face her anymore. :'''Pearl''': So... you're just going to ignore her forever? :'''Steven''': It's the responsible thing to do. :'''Amethyst''': ''[sees thru blinds]'' It's gonna be hard, 'cause she's coming up the steps right now. :'''Steven''': What?! === ''Open Book'' === === ''Joy Ride'' === :'''Steven''': Family stuff is tricky. :'''Buck, Sour Cream, and Jenny''': Mmhm. :'''Steven''': A few months back, my dad and the Gems grounded me from TV. :'''Buck, Sour Cream, and Jenny''': That's the worst. / Bummer. / No way! :'''Steven''': And then I found out that the Gems are alien rebels and that there are other Gems out in space that want us dead 'cause they think we're traitors. And they tried to take me hostage 'cause they think I'm my mom. And... maybe I kinda am? ''[sighs]'' I wish I could talk to Garnet, Amethyst and Pearl about it, but... I think they kinda blame me for my mom not being around. :''[Buck, Sour Cream and Jenny are in a state of shock for a beat. Jenny turns off the radio]'' :'''Jenny''': That's heavy. :'''Steven''': I guess. <hr width=50%> :'''Garnet''': Steven... you're ungrounded from TV. === ''[[w:Say Uncle (Steven Universe)|Say Uncle]]'' === :'''Steven''': What am I doing wrong? The Gems can all summon ''their'' weapons, why can't I? ''[desperately]'' Isn't there somebody who can help me?! <hr width="50%" /> :'''Steven''': Oh my gosh! Uncle Grandpa! You're really here, I can't believe it! I mean… I literally can't believe it. How is this even possible?! :'''Uncle Grandpa''': Don't worry, bro. None of this is canon. ''[pulls a real cannon out of Belly Bag]'' But this is! ''[launches his head like a cannonball with smoke trails spelling "APRIL FOOLS" and crashes into a ship with Lars and Sadie on it]'' :'''Lars''': Oh, no!! Our ship!! <hr width=50% /> :'''Amethyst''': Steven! :'''Pearl''': What's going on?! Who is this stranger? :'''Steven''': He's not a stranger, he's Uncle Grandpa! :''[Uncle Grandpa honks his nose]'' :'''Amethyst''': "Uncle… Grandpa"? :'''Pearl''': So that would make him Greg's brother… ''and'' father? :'''Garnet''': That would explain a lot. <hr width=50% /> :'''Pizza Steve''': Oh hey, it's just me, Pizza Steve—just the coolest and tastiest Steve who ever lived. :'''Steven''': Hi, Pizza Steve! I'm a Steve too! Steven Universe. :'''Pizza Steve''': ''Stee''-ven Universe... ''[pops out on top of Steven's hair]'' Come on, Uncle G. I've got two rules—no more than 40 or 50 vans, and only '''ONE''' Steve allowed! :'''Uncle Grandpa''': Yeah, but this Steven is special. :'''Mr. Gus''': Yeah. He's a Crystal Gem. :'''Uncle Grandpa''': Good mornin', Mr. Gus. :'''Mr. Gus''': What's up, Uncle Grandpa? :'''Steven''': Whoa, Mr. Gus! How do you know about me? :'''Mr. Gus''': I have a comprehensive knowledge of all magical denizens of the multiverse. I know ''ALL'' about the Crystal Gems. Come on, man, check this out. I even made my own Gemsona. ''[shows art of "Mr. Gusite"]'' My gem is on my tail, and my weapon is a fryin' pan. <hr width=50% /> :''[The Gems run frantically across the plot hole many times, stop for a breather]'' :'''Garnet''': There's got to be some way out of here. :'''Pearl''': ''[extremely panicked]'' WE'LL NEVER ESCAPE!! ''THIS'' IS OUR NEW ''HOME!!'' :'''Garnet''': Pearl, you're overreacting. :'''Pearl''': <big>'''I'M NOT OVERREACTING!!!'''</big> :''[Pearl runs around screaming until she crashes into Amethyst]'' :'''Amethyst''': Hey, where's Steven? ''[Pizza Steve walks in dressed like Steven]'' :'''Pizza Steve''': Lookin' for me, Pizza Steven Universe? ''[Pearl gasps, cowers behind Garnet]'' :'''Pearl''': That's not my baby! :'''Amethyst''': Ah, nice! ''[eyes on Pizza Steve]'' :'''Pizza Steve''': Whoa, hold on! :'''Amethyst''': ''Pizzaaaaaa!!'' ''[chases Pizza Steve offscreen]'' :'''Pizza Steve''': Don't eat Pizza Steve! ''[munching noises]'' :''[Amethyst walks back on, putting on Pizza Steve's sunglasses from out of her mouth]'' :'''Garnet''': Okay, I'm ready for this episode to end. :''[She stomps, causing the plot hole to crack and shatter, leaving them back at the beach]'' <hr width=50% /> :'''Steven''': ''[after finally summoning his shield; to Uncle Grandpa]'' I did it, Uncle Grandpa! I really did it! :'''Uncle Grandpa''': Yay. :'''Pearl''': Protecting HIM activated Steven's powers?! :'''Garnet''': He must really care about this stranger. :'''Amethyst''': I hope he didn't care about that pizza. :'''Steven''': Listen! It was a big, weird surprise when Uncle Grandpa showed up here today. We've never met anyone like Uncle Grandpa, but you can't just attack people you don't understand. You have to stick up for them, and listen to what they have to say. You guys always do that for me. :'''Pearl''': ''[blushing with tears in her eyes, feeling guilty and sorry]'' Steven, you're right. ''[cries]'' HOW CAN I BE SO BLIND?! I'M SORRY! :'''Amethyst''': I also apologize for Pearl. :'''Garnet''': Thank you, you taught us a valuable lesson, Uncle Grandpa. <hr width=50% /> :'''Uncle Grandpa''': Boy, that sure makes my eyes hurt. Now let's see here... ''[grabs a checklist revealing several other Cartoon Network protagonists]'' Dexter, Dee-dee, Blossom, Bubbles, Buttercup, Ed, Edd, Eddy, Billy, Mandy, Mac, Juniper Lee, Swat Kats, Flapjack, Finn, Oh! Steven! ''[checks off Steven's name]'' Now who's next? ''[Clarence's name is shown at the bottom of the list]'' === ''Story for Steven'' === === ''Shirt Club '' === :''[Steven rushes to the Beach House]'' :'''Steven''': Garnet! Amethyst! Pearl! :'''Garnet''': Steven! :'''Pearl''': What is it?! :'''Amethyst''': Whoa, where's the fire? :'''Steven''': It's an emergency! You have to help me take down all the shirts and stop Buck from making more! :'''Pearl''': Have the shirts come to life and and possessed the bodies of their wearers?! :'''Steven''': Uh, no! They just— :'''Amethyst''': Are people catching on fire when they put on the magic shirts? :'''Steven''': No! No, they're just— :'''Pearl''': Are the shirts destroying the wearer's will to continue on in this mortal coil, thereby shutting down Beach City!?! :'''Steven''': ''NOOOOO''!!! They're— they're just... using my art in a way I don't agree with. :'''Pearl''': Oh. ''[all Gems sit down]'' :'''Garnet''': Ah, we'll pass. :'''Steven''': What?! But— but I really need your help! :'''Pearl''': Steven, this sounds like a very abstract problem. :'''Amethyst''': It's not something we can ''punch''! :'''Garnet''': You must learn to help yourself. That's how you become stronger. ''[shades sparkle]'' :'''Amethyst/Pearl''': Good point, good point. / Oh, absolutely. :'''Steven''': But..! :'''Amethyst''': You figure something ''out'', Steven! :'''Pearl''': Yes! Why not dust off those conflict resolution skills? :'''Garnet''': Let your problem be known, then you can work towards an understanding. :'''Steven''': Oh... I'll make them understand. I'll make them all understand... ''[leaves]'' :'''Amethyst''': Eh, he'll be fine. === ''Love Letters'' === :''[Steven and Connie meet Jamie sitting on a log in the beach]'' :'''Steven''': Jamie! :'''Jamie''': Oh, hey, Connie and Steven. You guys come out here to stare at the ocean and think about life too? :'''Connie''': Uhh, no...? We came to, uh— :'''Jamie''': Yeah, life is crazy. One day, you're right here in Beach City delivering mail and then the next thing you know... you're on a bus to Kansas, following your dreams of becoming an actor. "Follow your dreams," they said. But no one said anything about all the rejection and sadness there was to be found. So many auditions day after day... So much rejection day after day... That's why I came back. ''[two seagulls crash into each other and fall into the sea]'' One more rejection would have destroyed my fragile heart. ''[sobs, chuckles]'' Sorry... sometimes I get caught up in the drama zone, you know? :'''Steven''': Yeah, right... Drama zone. :'''Connie''': Oh, by the way, we have something for yo— :'''Steven''': No, we don't! <hr width=50%> :'''Garnet''': I didn't mean to upset you. :'''Jamie''': Then will you go out with me? :'''Garnet''': No! :'''Jamie''': But I've loved you since the moment I saw you. :'''Garnet''': Love at first sight doesn't exist. Love takes time and love takes work. At the very least, you have to know the other person. And you literally have no idea who or what I am. ''[shades glimmer]'' :'''Jamie''': But I bloom for you like— like a... camellia... under moonlight? :'''Garnet''': No, you don't! ''[long beat]'' You make a very convincing lovesick fool. You convinced these children. ''[adjusts her shades]'' You even convinced yourself. ''[smiling]'' You're a fantastic actor. :'''Jamie''': ''[beat]'' ..What am I supposed to do now? :'''Garnet''': Start with local theater. ''[slaps Jamie's back, then walks away. Connie and Steven walk closer to him]'' :'''Connie''': Are you okay? :'''Jamie''': Yeah. That was some pretty solid advice. :'''Steven''': Were those more letters you wrote to Garnet? :'''Jamie''': No. That was the mail I was supposed to deliver on my last route. :'''Steven''': ''[beat]'' We'll help you pick it all up. :'''Jamie''': Thanks. === ''Reformed'' === :'''Garnet''': This is not a good choice for your form. :'''Amethyst''': Lighten up, Garnet. Can't you take a joke? :'''Garnet''': It's not funny. You've made yourself ridiculous. :'''Amethyst''': <big>'''''RIDICULOUS?!?!'''''</big> :'''Garnet''': Keep your voice down! The creature... :'''Amethyst''': Hrrr... You wanted me to be more like Pearl, and now I am!! :'''Garnet''': ''[low voice]'' Pearl would've taken her regeneration seriously! :'''Amethyst''': WHAT DO YOU CARE!?! MY FORM IS '''''MY'' BUSINESS!!''' :'''Garnet''': It's my business when it affects the strength of the team!! :'''Amethyst''': ..So what?! I'm not strong enough?! ''[gets dragged by the Slinker]'' :'''Steven''': Amethyst! :'''Amethyst''': '''ARE YOU SAYING... <big>I'M ''WEAK''</big>?!?!''' ''[poofs again; Steven catches her gemstone]'' :'''Steven''': Is it weird I'm getting numbed to this? === ''[[w:Sworn to the Sword|Sworn to the Sword]]'' === :'''Connie''': ''[fights off seagulls with her violin bow]'' Run back to your masters! Tell them we're not afraid of your kind! :'''Steven''': ''[chuckles]'' Thanks for saving my jam snack. Unfortunately, it's not safe from me. ''[munches it]'' You're such a good sword fighter, Connie. :'''Connie''': Really? I was just swinging this thing around. I don't really know what I'm doing, but I'd love to learn how to use a real sword! :'''Steven''': Oh! ''[gulps snack; starry eyes]'' Steven has an idea! :''[back at the Beach House]'' :'''Pearl''': You want me to do ''what''?! :'''Steven''': You should teach Connie to sword fight, she's already so good! :'''Connie''': Steven! :'''Steven''': But you are! Y-You helped me fight the robot floaty-thing, she took down that evil clone of herself, uh... those mean seagulls just now? :'''Pearl''': You're awfully young to begin something like this. But I suppose I was only a few thousand years old when I began fighting alongside Rose Quartz. ''[Connie raises her hand]'' Yes, Connie? :'''Connie''': Please! I want to learn! I mean, I don't know what'll happen in the future. But if something dangerous comes along... I don't wanna be a burden, I wanna help! I want to be there for Steven to fight by his side! The Earth is my home too. Can't I help protect it? ''[Pearl starts watering tears of joy]'' :'''Pearl''': Oh... okay... If that's how you feel... we should get started! :'''Steven''': Woo-hoo! ''[runs after her laughing]'' :'''Connie''': Wait, now? <hr width=50%> :'''Pearl''': All right, everything begins with your stance. Remember: :''[singing] You do it for him, and you would do it again'' :''You do it for her, that is to say, you'll do it for him.'' :''Keep your stance wide, keep your body lowered'' :''As you're moving forward, balance is the key'' :''Right foot, left foot, now go even faster'' :''And as you're moving backwards, keep your eyes on me.'' :'''Connie''': ''Keep my stance wide'' ("Good.") :''Keep my body lowered'' ("Right.") :''As I'm moving forward'' :'''Pearl''': ''Concentrate! Don't you want him to live?!'' :'''Connie''': ''Right foot, left foot'' :'''Pearl''': ''Yes, but put your whole body into it!'' :''Everything you have, everything you are'' :''You've got to give.'' :''On the battlefield, when everything is chaos'' :''And you have nothing but the way you feel, your strategy and a sword'' :''You just think about the life you'll have together after the war'' :''And then you do it for her, that's how you know you can win'' :''You do it for her, that is to say, you'll do it for him.'' <hr width=25%> :''Deep down, you know you weren't built for fighting'' :''But that doesn't mean you're not prepared to try'' :''What they don't know is your real advantage'' :''When you live for someone, you're prepared to die.'' :'''Connie''': ''Deep down, I know that I'm just a human'' ("True.") :'''Both''': ''But I/you know that I/you can draw my/your sword and fight'' :'''Connie''': ''With my short existence,'' ("Good.") ''I can make a difference'' ("Yes, excellent!") :''I can be there for him, I can be his knight.'' :'''Connie''': ''I can do it for him'' :'''Both''': ''You'd do it for her'' :'''Pearl''': ''Okay, now do that again'' ("Yes, ma'am.") :''You do it for her, and now you say'' :'''Connie''': ''I'll do it for him.'' <hr width=50%> :'''Amethyst''': ''[belly laughs]'' Wow, Garnet! That is the funniest thing I've ever heard! :'''Garnet''': Garnet, master of comedy. :'''Amethyst''': Hehehe... Yo, Steven. ''[pretend-yells]'' '''WHY ARE YOU STANDING THERE ALL SAD LIKE THAT?!?!''' :'''Steven''': W-well... Connie is taking sword fighting lessons from Pearl, but I think it's getting a little too serious. She wants Connie to do all this dangerous stuff for me. :'''Garnet''': That makes sense. :'''Steven''': What do you mean? :'''Garnet''': Back during the war, Pearl took pride in risking her destruction for your mother. She put Rose Quartz over everything — over logic, over consequence, over her own life. :''[Pearl and Rose switch to Connie and Steven, respectively. She charges at the enemy before cutting to Steven's horrified face]'' :'''Amethyst''': You okay, dude? :'''Steven''': I have to do something!! Thanks for telling me that, bye!! === ''Rising Tides, Crashing Skies'' === :'''RonaIdo''': I am now going to attempt to make contact with the mysterious, reclusive, ''[Steven comes out]'' and—ahh! :'''Steven''': Hi, Ronaldo! Uh, hi, Peedee. Is that a camera? :'''Peedee''': Yeah. We're making a movie about— :'''RonaIdo''': It's an investigative report, shot ''[[w:cinéma vérité|camera vérité]]''. :'''Steven''': Cool! :'''RonaIdo''': So... you wanna participate in a groundbreaking interview? :'''Steven''': Hmm. Only if ''you'' participate in a glass of fresh-squeezed lemonade! ''[walks back inside]'' :''[cue Ronaldo and Steven in the Beach House]'' :'''Steven''': Ohh, that giant hand? It was a spaceship coming to get us. :'''RonaIdo''': Us?! I knew it! Steven, we know too much! :'''Steven''': No, not "us" us. I-I meant me and the Crystal Gems. :'''RonaIdo''': Wait. So the hand wasn't here to snatch up humans for a human zoo? Or interfere with our subsidized Beach City wind farm?! Or thaw the cryogenically frozen pets of the one percent!?! :'''Steven''': Uh... no, I'm pretty sure it came to Beach City for me and the Crystal Gems. :'''RonaIdo''': Oh. So, if you and the Crystal Gems weren't here, we wouldn't have been attacked by the giant hand? :'''Steven''': Ohh-hoh-hoh! Definitely not. === ''Keeping It Together'' === :'''Pearl''': Garnet, you don't think Peridot would come looking for us, do you? :'''Garnet''': We weren't her priority. She was sent here to do something in the Kindergarten. :'''Pearl''': Do you think she's still going to try to reactivate it? :'''Garnet''': Mm. If she gets it back up and running, the Injectors will turn back on. :'''Steven''': Injectors? What're those? :'''Pearl''': You've already seen them. ''[projects hologram from her gemstone]'' Well, you've seen them disabled. If Peridot reactivates them, they'll pick right up where they left off, planting gems in the crust of the Earth, where they'll incubate and suck the life right out of the ground. We can't let Peridot restart Gem production here. If we do... ''[sighs]'' the entire planet will become… :'''Garnet''': Janked. :'''Amethyst''': Garnet! ''[laughs]'' That mouth! ''[sniggers]'' :'''Garnet''': Don't worry. We'll stop her. <hr width=50% /> :'''Steven''': We did it! Garnet? :'''Garnet/Ruby'''! So ''this'' is what Homeworld thinks of fusion! :'''Garnet/Sapphire''': We couldn't have known they would do this. :'''Garnet/Ruby''': ''This'' is where they've been…all the ones we couldn't find… they've been here the whole time! :'''Garnet/Sapphire''': Rose couldn't have known. :'''Garnet/Ruby''': This is punishment for the rebellion! :'''Garnet/Sapphire''': ''[breaking down]'' It's not our fault! :'''Steven''': Garnet! :'''Garnet''': S-Steven. :'''Amethyst''': ''[sliding down with Pearl]'' Yo! We're back. :'''Pearl''': Garnet, we lost Peridot. Her fingers were too fast for us. ''[two fused hands climb up on Amethyst and grabs them]'' Um… what are these things? :'''Garnet''': PUT THEM DOWN! :'''Steven''': Uh! :'''Pearl''': Wha...? ''[throws the hands away]'' :'''Garnet''': We need to poof and bubble all of them. We can't let any escape. ''[She poofs the hands as the screen turns black]'' <hr width=50% /> :'''Garnet''': What Homeworld did… taking the shattered parts of fallen Gems and combining them—those Gems weren't asked permission. Fusion is a choice. Those Gems weren't given a choice. It isn't right. It isn't fusion! <hr width=50% /> :''[Steven looks at Garnet as he takes the clothes out the dryer into the basket]'' :'''Steven''': What's it like... being a fusion? :'''Garnet''': You fused. :'''Steven''': I mean, like, all the time. Do you forget who you used to be? :'''Garnet''': You forget you were ever alone. You know when you fuse, you don't feel like two people. You feel like one being. And your old names might as well be names for your left arm, and your right. :'''Steven''': When you split up, is it like you disappear? :'''Garnet''': I embody my— I mean, Ruby and Sapphire's love. I always exist in them, even if I split apart. But the strength of that love keeps me together, so I can stay Garnet for a very long time. :'''Steven''': That's why you're so great! :'''Garnet''': ''[smiles]'' Ha. ''[Steven starts laughing, with a light blue colored sock being blown away]'' :'''Steven''': Oh, no! ''[Garnet catches it]'' :'''Garnet''': Don't wanna break up a pair. :'''Steven''': ''[holds peach colored sock]'' Yeah, you're right. ''[Garnet folds socks into basket]'' They belong together. === ''We Need to Talk'' === :''[Greg re-watches Pearl and Rose's fusion dance, practices and falls down]'' :'''Greg''': Ah, geez! How'd she get her legs to do that? ''[groans]'' :'''Amethyst''': Hey! ''[looks at face-to-face with Garnet]'' Are you dead? :'''Greg''': Wha? Uh, no, no. I'm alive. :'''Amethyst''': Whoa, cool! ''[jumps over Greg, runs to the TV]'' It's us from before! :'''Greg''': Yeah, I was just... trying to get my head around this fusion dance. :'''Amethyst''': A fusion dance ain't about your head! ''[laughs out loud]'' :'''Greg''': Wait... you guys are Gems. You gotta help me out here. I need to be able to fuse with Rose! :'''Garnet''': First, you need a gem at the core of your being. Then you need a body that can turn into light. Then you need the partner who you trust with that light. :'''Greg''': Metaphorically? :'''Garnet''': Literally. :'''Amethyst''': ''[whispers]'' Shh! Come on! I still wanna see him try! :'''Greg''': Ugh, so it's true. I really can't do it. ''[touches his face]'' I'm kidding myself with this! I'm never gonna be a Gem... ''[Garnet looks down and picks up a twig]'' :'''Garnet''': Amethyst... give us some privacy! ''[throws it far away]'' :'''Amethyst''': YEAH!! ''[scampers after it]'' :'''Garnet''': Let me tell you something, Mr. Universe. I think you can do it, but it won't work if you dance like Pearl. You have to dance like you. You have to fuse ''your'' way. Get open. Get honest. Invent yourselves together. ''[lowers her shades and winks left of her three eyes]'' That's fusion. :'''Greg''': EYE—think I get it. === ''Chille Tid'' === :'''Steven''': "Sleep is a curse, and yet a curse I need to live"—Steven Universe. ---- :'''Garnet''': Let me show you how it's done. ''(She falls over, stiff as a board)'' :'''Pearl''': That's pretty convincing. ---- :'''Steven''': Lapis! :'''Lapiz Lazuli''': No. I'm ''not'' Lapis anymore. We're Malachite now. === ''[[w:Cry for Help (Steven Universe)|Cry for Help]]'' === :'''Garnet''': It's as I feared. :''[The Communication Hub is glowing and shooting a beam of light towards the sky]'' :'''Pearl''': It looks like Peridot somehow repaired the Communication Hub. Well, at least some of it. :'''Steven''': So... we just gotta wreck it up again, right? (''to Amethyst'') You guys should form Sugilite! :'''Amethyst''': (''smiling a bit'') Yeah... Well, it's up to Garnet, I guess. (''smiling widely, to Garnet'') What do you say? ''[Pearl looks scared in the background]'' Shall we mash it up?... :'''Garnet''': No. :'''Amethyst''': But, don't we need to be huge like last time? :'''Garnet''': Last time was a disaster. Last time we fused, Sugilite went berserk. It's because of her that we can't even warp here anymore. (''takes off her visor'') I can be brash, you can be reckless. And we can both get carried away. So, for the time being, ''[She puts her visor back on and Amethyst's reflection can be seen in them]'' Sugilite is benched. What we need now is to be careful. ''[Steven gasps]'' It's you and me, Pearl. Let's fuse. ''[Pearl looks astonished as she begins to tear up]'' Don't cry, Pearl. ''[Pearl tries to not cry and quivers as she strongly breathes in through her nose, sniffling thickly]'' Come on, let's do this. :'''Pearl''': I'm right behind you. (''sniffling'') :'''Steven''': (''running towards them'') Woo-hoo! Fusion! Fusion! Fusion! Fusion! *sits to the left of Lion* (''Amethyst walks over'') :'''Garnet''': (''gemstones glow'') Ready. :'''Pearl''': (''grunts; stretches'') Hang on, it's been such a long time. ---- :'''Sardonyx''': Gooooood evening, everybody! (''struts over to Lion, Steven, and Amethyst and does a twirl'') This is the lovely Sardonyx! Coming to you ''a-live'' from the soon-to-be-former Communication Hub! How are y'all doin' tonight? :'''Amethyst''': (''sarcastically'') Great... :'''Steven''': (''gasps'') Giant woman! ---- :'''Amethyst''': ''Maybe you're better off with her / I think she's better for you / I forgot how great it felt to be us / Guess I got carried away. / I had to use you to make me feel strong / But I don't care about that now / I see a tower built out of my mistakes / And it all comes crashing down. / Is there something I can doo-oo / Is there something I can doo-oo-oo / Is there something I can doo-oo / Can I make it up to you?'' ---- :'''Amethyst''': Stop! :'''Pearl''': Is something the matter, Amethyst? :'''Amethyst''': You... you shouldn't. :'''Steven''': Pearl, we saw you. :'''Pearl''': (''shocked'') What? :'''Steven''': You need to tell Garnet it was you! :'''Garnet''': I don't understand. :'''Pearl''': I'm sorry. It's just... so much fun being Sardonyx with you. :'''Garnet''': ''[drops Pearl to the ground]'' ''That's'' why I couldn't see us finding Peridot. :'''Pearl''': Wait, let me explain! :'''Garnet''': You've been fixing the hub! :'''Pearl''': It really was Peridot! The first time. :'''Garnet''': You ''tricked'' me! :'''Pearl''': No! No, no, no, no! We just needed a reason to fuse! I just wanted to share a few more victories with you! :'''Garnet''': Those weren't ''victories''! :'''Amethyst''': Wait, Garnet! You know, we're so much weaker than you! Fusing with you is like our one chance to feel... ''stronger''! :'''Garnet''': Don't defend her! Peridot is out there somewhere and Pearl's been distracting us with... ''nothing''! :'''Pearl''': Garnet... :'''Garnet''': ''[angrily points at her]'' That's enough! ''[to Amethyst]'' Amethyst, fuse with me! :'''Amethyst''': But-! :'''Garnet''': (''clenching her fist'') Let's just get this over with. === ''Keystone Motel'' === :'''Steven''': Pearl! Where have you been?! :'''Pearl''': Looking for Peridot… For a few days straight. Steven, I know I might have… disappointed all of you. I know Garnet's very upset with me. But I'm going to prove to her that she can trust me again. ''[Garnet walks in through the front door]'' Oh! Garnet! I was just looking for Peridot! She's bound to be somewhere, right? Any new ideas? ''[Garnet says nothing and walks past her]'' I'm sorry ---- :'''Garnet''': ''[agitated, panting]'' Calm down... I don't feel like forgiving Pearl!... You don't understand, you must... If you're not going to listen, then you can just GO! ''[splits into Ruby and Sapphire]'' :'''Sapphire''': ''[calmly]'' We must move past this, Ruby. :'''Ruby''': ''[furiously]'' She ''lied'' to us so we'd form Sardonyx! She ''tricked'' us! Don't you feel used?! :'''Sapphire''': You're choosing to take it personally. :'''Ruby''': IT'S ''FUSION'', SAPPHIRE! WHAT'S MORE PERSONAL TO US THAN ''FUSION?!'' :'''Sapphire''': I know you're still upset... :'''Ruby''': Oh, so it's just me?! :'''Sapphire''': Of course not. Can't you see I'm completely engulfed with rage? :'''Ruby''': Well, it doesn't feel like it! :'''Sapphire''': The sooner we forgive Pearl, the better it will be for us all. :'''Ruby''': YOU'RE NOT AS ABOVE THIS AS YOU THINK YOU ARE! ---- :'''Sapphire''': ''[about Ruby, while she shakes the table]'' This will pass. She'll eventually just burn herself out. :'''Ruby''': ''[angrily]'' THAT'S WHAT ''YOU'' THINK! '''I AM AN ETERNAL FLAME, BABY!''' ''[flips the table]'' :''[while Greg talks to Steven, arguing with each other simultaneously]'' :'''Ruby''': You don't know me! :'''Sapphire''': How could I possibly not know you? We always fuse! We always fuse, what are you even going on about fusion? :'''Ruby''': Look at you! ''[laughing]'' You don't even know yourself! Ha! :'''Sapphire''': So don't act so ridiculous. :'''Ruby''': ''I'm'' ridiculous?! :'''Sapphire''': Yes, yes. ---- :'''Steven''': I was so happy when Garnet said she wanted to go on this trip with me and Dad! Home's been awful! Here's been awful! I thought you wanted to have a fun time, but everyone's been acting awful too! It... it just came with us! I don't understand! Is it... is it me? :'''Ruby''': ...No! Steven, it's all us! :'''Sapphire''': But we made him feel like it was his fault... I keep looking into the future, when all of this has already been solved, as if it doesn't matter how you feel in the present! ''[starting to cry]'' No wonder you think I don't care...! :'''Ruby''': Sapphire... No, nonononono! This is all my fault, I... I didn't want to look for a solution, I... I just wanted to be mad! You're right! You're always right! I was being stupid! :'''Sapphire''': I don't think you're stupid! :'''Ruby''': I'm... sorry. ''[gently brushes Sapphire's hair aside, revealing her sad eye]'' :'''Sapphire''': You honestly think I'm not upset about what happened? I was just... trying to do the right thing. :'''Ruby''': I know... ''[starts smiling]'' You know what's nice about being split up? :'''Sapphire''': What? :'''Ruby''': I get to look at you... :'''Sapphire''': ''[pushes her off, laughing]'' Be serious! :'''Ruby''': ''[hugs Sapphire]'' There's my Laughy Sapphy! :'''Sapphire''': Shh! You're embarrassing me in front of Steven! ''[cut to Steven, feeling awkward at the scene]'' === ''Historical Friction'' === :'''Steven''': Hey, Pearl! ''[sees a desolate Pearl sitting on the couch, looking at the ceiling]'' Pearl? :'''Pearl''': ''[jumps up]'' Steven! You're back! :'''Steven''': Yeah... ''[sits down]'' Show business is rough. :'''Pearl''': Is there something I can help you with? :'''Steven''': Not unless you can make William Dewey interesting. :'''Pearl''': How do ''you'' know William Dewey? :'''Steven''': I'm gonna be him in this play! But he's totally boring! He's perfect and he never makes mistakes. :'''Pearl''': ''[sigh]'' Wish I could say the same for myself. :'''Steven''': Yeah, but nobody's like that! Everybody gets stuff wrong, and then you have to keep going and it's hard, which is why it's great when you never stop trying! :'''Pearl''': ..When did you get so smart? === ''Friend Ship'' === :''[Steven and the Gems enter a room in the ship. Peridot appears on a projected screen]'' :'''Peridot''': ''[laughs]'' You Gems really are as dull as dirt! :'''Pearl''': You're the dull one if you thing you can fly this wreck! :'''Peridot''': ''[pauses]'' What? Can you speak louder? Some of these communicators are gunked up. :'''Steven''': ''[cleans off a microphone, speaks into it]'' Pearl says ''you're'' the dull one if you think you can fly this wreck! :'''Peridot''': ''[waits for Steven's response to come through] [laughs]'' Fly? I'm not using this vessel to fly. I'm using it to '''''TRAP YOU!''''' ''[a door closes, trapping Steven and the Gems in the room]'' Isn't this nice? No more Crystal Gems running around, messing with my plans, destroying my things. Looks like I've got you just where I want you. How does it feel to be so easily outsmarted, you '''''CLODS?!''''' :'''Pearl''': No... :'''Amethyst''': ''[speaks into the microphone]'' Hey, uh, this is Amethyst. I don't appreciate being called a clod, you clo- :'''Peridot''': Enough talk! Prepare yourselves for annihilation! ''[dramatically hits a button]'' Hiyah! ''[nothing happens, hits it again]'' Hiyah! :''[the room's laser cannons activate and take aim at Steven and the Gems]'' :'''Peridot''': It works! Yes! '''''DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIIIIE!''''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Garnet''': Pearl, stop. That isn't helping. :'''Pearl''': I have to do something. I can't believe I walked us right into Peridot's trap. This is all my… ''[Peridot's hologram disappears as the ground starts to shake]'' fault? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Pearl''': ''[thru screen]'' Garnet… I'm sorry! :'''Amethyst''': Wait a sec! :'''Pearl''': Things weren't supposed to turn out this way... ''[inside, Garnet punches the wall again]'' :'''Garnet''': We'll get outta here somehow. :'''Pearl''': ''[sighs]'' That's not what I mean! I really wanted to catch Peridot to make up for what I did... ''[Garnet withdraws her gauntlets]'' I wanted to prove to you that... that everything could go back to normal... :'''Garnet''': Catching Peridot won't make things go back to normal. ''[thru screen]'' This isn't about Peridot. :'''Amethyst''': Hey... they're actually talking! :'''Steven''': Now they can finally work things out! :''[soon, the gears start to activate and turn and start closing into the trapped two]'' :'''Amethyst''': Not if they get crushed! :''[both Garnet and Pearl push their unflinching sides]'' :'''Pearl''': Please! Tell me! How can I make you forgive me?! :'''Garnet''': You can't! You lied to me! You need to learn that there are consequences to your actions! :'''Pearl''': I'm sorry! I... I couldn't help myself! :'''Garnet''': ''[kicks opposite side of wall next to Pearl]'' I don't want to hear your excuses! :'''Pearl''': But it's true! No matter how hard I try to be strong like you, I'm just a Pearl. I'm useless on my own. ''[cries]'' I need someone to tell me what to do. :''[the walls suddenly stop moving; Both Amethyst and Steven pull her whip on its gears in its place. Garnet and Pearl pause for a beat]'' :'''Pearl''': When we fuse, I can feel what it's like to be you. Confident and secure, and complete. You're perfect. You're the perfect relationship. You're always together, I just... I wanted to be a part of that. :'''Garnet''': You're wrong! I'm not as strong as you think. I fell apart over this. Ruby and Sapphire were in turmoil over how you deceived me. ''[thru screen]'' I came undone. :'''Amethyst''': Whoa, that really happened? :'''Steven''': ''[nods]'' Hm. :'''Garnet''': It's not easy being in control. I have weaknesses too, but I choose not to let them consume me. I struggle to stay strong because I know the impact I have on everyone. Please understand, Pearl. ''[thru screen]'' You have an impact too. ''[inside]'' There are times when I look up to you for strength. You are your ''own'' gem. You control your destiny. Not me, not Rose, not Steven. But you must choose to be strong, so we can move forward. So I can trust you again. :'''Pearl''': I understand. I can't give up anymore! :'''Garnet''': Good. === ''Nightmare Hospital'' === :'''Dr. Maheswaran''': ''[sighs]'' I had a rough day at work and I'm not in the mood for any more surprises. :'''Connie''': Whatsyjf happened at work? :'''Dr. Maheswaran''': There was a really strange case at the hospital today, straight out of a ''nightmare''. ''[beat]'' Oh, don't worry, the rules of doctor-patient confidentiality keep me from sharing the graphic details, but... Hang on a moment. When did we get a coat rack? :'''Connie''': Oh, no... :'''Dr. Maheswaran''': A ''SWORD''?! Connie, where did you get this?! :'''Steven''': I-it's— :'''Connie''': I found it! I just... found it outside and I wanted to show it to Steven. :'''Dr. Maheswaran''': How could you possibly think this is okay?! :'''Connie''': It's— :'''Dr. Maheswaran''': Do you know how many children I see everyday in the hospital who've cut their faces off playing with swords?! :'''Connie''': I— :'''Dr. Maheswaran''': NONE!! Because they all have parents who love them, and who don't let them play around with deadly weapons like some kind of gang member! No playing with swords, under any circumstances! ''[her cell phone rings, answers it]'' This is Dr. Maheswaran. Yes, calm down, Stromberg. Another one? :'''Steven''': ''[to Connie]'' Is she gonna give it back? :'''Dr. Maheswaran''': All right, I'll-I'll be right there. ''[zips sword in duffle bag]'' I have to go to the hospital. I'll have a talk with your father to calculate just how grounded you are. ''[leaves, comes back]'' And we're using the abacus! ''[leaves again]'' :'''Connie''': I ''hate'' that abacus. Steven, I'm so sorry. She took your mother's sword! :'''Steven''': Maybe we can get her to change her mind? :'''Connie''': She never ''ever'' changes her mind. We've got to get that sword back ourselves. <hr width=50%> :'''Connie''': Mom... I'm really sorry about lying to you. It started off as a tiny secret, and then I felt like if I didn't hide it, you wouldn't let me see Steven ever again. :'''Dr. Maheswaran''': Is that how you feel? Are we too controlling? :'''Connie''': ..Maybe. :'''Dr. Maheswaran''': I just wanted to be a good mother. I... I just wanted to protect you. :'''Connie''': I can protect myself now! ''[Dr. Maheswaran pauses for a long beat, sighs]'' :'''Dr. Maheswaran''': Okay. ''[Connie winces]'' We'll... pull back on the rules, and I'll try to keep an open mind about ''[Connie's lenses]'' this, and ''[Lion]'' that, and... him. ''[Steven stays frightened]'' It scares me that you can't talk to me. I need to know what's happening in your life. I... I need to step in when you're in over your head. Would you just promise me you'll stop all this lying? :'''Connie''': ''[beat]'' That's a rule. ''[they embrace each other]'' :'''Dr. Maheswaran''': I love you, honey. :'''Connie''': I love you too, Mom. === ''Sadie's Song'' === :'''Sadie''': Please, Mom. Don't make me do this. :'''Barb''': Make you? You said you wanted to sing. :'''Sadie''': Yeah! I did! I did! I did, I did. Just like I say lots of things like, "Hey, Mom. Swimming looks fun", then bam! Suddenly, I'm anchoring a 400 meter relay for the Beach City Seals. "Hey, Mom. I thought signing up for softball would be nice." 6 birthdays later, I'm still getting nothing but kneepads and batting helmets. "Hey, Mom. I wanna sing at this year's Beachapalooza", and what do I get? THIS! I just thought, for once, I get to do things my way, but you came in and took over everything like you always do. :'''Barb''': I just wanted everyone to know how talented my daughter is. :'''Sadie''': THIS is not your daughter. :'''Barb''': ''[stunned]'' I'm sorry. === ''Catch and Release'' === :'''Steven''': ''[getting padded by Peridot]'' Why are you acting like this?! :'''Peridot''': You smashed me into a limbless cloud, you trapped me in your bubble dungeon, and you called me... ''cute''! ''[Steven evades her punch, face-flat on the floor]'' :'''Steven''': I didn't poof you! I freed you! ''[Peridot turns back]'' :'''Peridot''': Why would you make such a miscalculation? :'''Steven''': Back at the warp pad, what were you trying to say? Why do we need you? What do you know? :'''Peridot''': What do I know? Everything there is to know about the Cluster, you pebble! :'''Steven''': Cluster? Wait, pebble? :'''Peridot''': My mission. The reason why I'm on this sad rock in the first place! I was to check progress on the Cluster! Just in and out, before it hatches. I wasn't supposed to get stuck here! But now it's going to emerge and nothing can stop it, and we'll all be shattered!! :'''Steven''': Okay, okay, wait, slow down. Now, from the top—emerging, hatching, Clusters? :'''Peridot''': You wanna know? :'''Steven''': Yes. :'''Peridot''': You ''really'' wanna know? :'''Steven''': Yes? <hr width=50%/> :'''Peridot''': ''[in bathroom]'' Hmm... Seems I've discovered some sort of archaic... think chamber. Roomy, with a fresh hint of Earth citrus. ''[lifts toilet seat]'' A perfect crossroads for my escape. :'''Amethyst''': ''[fiddling the bathroom doorknob]'' It's locked. :'''Garnet''': Peridot, open the door! ''[flushing sounds are heard]'' :'''Amethyst''': Uh, if you're trying to flush yourself down the toilet, it ''won't'' work. ''[cut to Peridot spinning inside the toilet bowl]'' Trust me, I've tried. :'''Pearl''': How did she get out?! We bubbled her! :'''Amethyst''': Maybe we needed a bigger bubble. :'''Garnet''': My bubbles are fine. :'''Steven''': ''[sweating nervously]'' I did it. :'''Pearl''': ''[shocked]'' Steven, why would you do such a thing?! <hr width=50%/> :'''Garnet''': I'm tired of playing these games. If we can't fight her, fine. We'll talk. Peridot! :'''Peridot''': ''[slips off the sink]'' Whoa! :'''Garnet''': All right, no more fighting. Let's just have a civil conversation. :'''Peridot''': As if I'd negotiate with you, filthy war machine! :'''Garnet''': ''[summons gauntlets]'' Okay, let's kick her butt. :'''Steven''': Wait! :'''Peridot''': Yeah! Destroy me again! ''[hangs on bath curtain pole with a plunger]'' And have fun trying to talk to me when I'm in a ''bubble''! ''[almost slips off]'' :'''Pearl''': I really hate to say it, but unfortunately if she has information, she's more valuable to us like… this. :'''Garnet''': This is going to be tricky. ''[hear knobs turning, water splashing]'' :'''Peridot''': H-h-hot hot hot!! :'''Steven''': You have to turn the knob the other way for cold! ''[later in the kitchen with the Gems]'' Wait, so we're just gonna let her live in my bathroom? :'''Pearl''': Well, yes. What other option do we have? Keep her outside on a leash? === ''When It Rains'' === :'''Garnet''': ''[banging on the bathroom door]'' Open the door, Peridot! If this "Cluster" is putting us in danger, you need to tell us what it is so we can stop it! :'''Peridot''': No! I hate you! I'm not telling you anything about the Cluster! :'''Amethyst''': Oh, come on. Is it like a big, hunk of granola? :'''Peridot''': What's granola? :'''Pearl''': I'm sure it's not granola. Now, Peridot, I'm sure we can reach some sort of agreement. Perhaps a trade is in order? :'''Peridot''': Oh, sure. Why don't you just give me back my leg enhancements and my arm attachments with my screen and my log and all my information. Oh, wait, YOU DESTROYED THEM! So, no, I don't think we can reach some sort of agreement! :'''Steven''': ''[flushing the toilet]'' Okay, Peridot, you can turn around now. ''[exits the bathroom, clears throat]'' Sorry for interrupting your interrogation. :'''Garnet''': Don't worry about it, Steven. :'''Pearl''': I swear, Peridot is gonna crack any second now. :'''Peridot''': I'll ''never'' crack for the likes of you, you… Crystal Clods! ''[laughs]'' :'''Pearl''': ''[angrily]'' Ooh, I got your clods right here, you little…! :'''Garnet''': ''[puts her hand on her shoulder]'' Hold on, Pearl. If she's not gonna be of any help, let's investigate this thing on our own. :'''Steven''': I'll come with you. :'''Garnet''': Sorry, Steven. We're gonna need you to stay here and keep an eye on our…''guest.'' :'''Steven''': Really? :'''Amethyst''': Yeah. Make sure she doesn't try anything. :'''Pearl''': Don't worry. She's harmless without her limb enhancers. :'''Peridot''': I'M NOT HARMLESS! :'''Pearl''': Oh, hush up! <hr width=50%/> :'''Peridot''': These are the early attempts at artificial fusion. :'''Steven''': That's a lot of gem shards. :'''Peridot''': We were growing them here at this very site. But these were just prototypes for the final product, a singular giant artificial fusion, comprised of millions of gem shards…the Cluster. :'''Steven''': Peridot, you're saying there's a giant mutant gem the size of the Earth under us right now? :'''Peridot''': Oh, no. When it forms, it'll be much, much bigger than the Earth. Right now, it lies dormant, incubating in the Earth's core. But when it emerges and takes its physical form, it will destroy the planet. The prototypes are already emerging. The Cluster is next. If we can't get off this planet, we've got to stop the Cluster! I thought it'd be impossible, but now we have a chance. :'''Steven''': What is it? :'''Peridot''': ''[grabs Steven's shoulders and grins malevolently]'' It's you, Steven! ''[she and Steven climb out of the control room]'' Now that you're filled in, we can get to work! :'''Steven''': Uhh, how am I supposed to help? :'''Peridot''': Well, you have all the information that we need about Earth and its erratic behavior. Put that together with my expansive knowledge of the Cluster and we just might be able to stop it! :'''Steven''': No, Peridot, I don't think you get it! Just because I know how clouds work doesn't mean I know how to stop a giant mutant in the center of the earth! Besides, the only reason that I know anything about clouds and rain is because my dad told me. :'''Peridot''': What are you talking about? :'''Steven''': I used to be really scared of thunderstorms, just like you. Then Dad explained how rain and all that stuff works, then I wasn't scared of rain anymore. :'''Peridot''': Well, I'm sure you have other knowledge about how this planet works. :'''Steven''': Sure, but none of it's going to help us. If we want to stop this Cluster thing, we'll need help from the Crystal Gems. :'''Peridot''': I said I don't need them! Let's just warp me back to the bathroom, or whatever you call it, and we'll take care of this. If it looks really bad, then we can just ask this "dad" for help, right? === ''Back to the Barn'' === :'''Peridot''': What is that?! :'''Steven''': ''[speaking with the Cluster puppet]'' It's the Cluster. :'''Peridot''': It does not look like that. But it ''is'' real, and it can activate at any moment! :'''Amethyst''': What a cluster. :'''Garnet''': That abomination must be stopped. :'''Pearl''': But how? We'll need to build some sort of machine to take us to the center of the Earth, it'll have to- :'''Peridot''': ''[swats at Pearl, interrupting her]'' Hey! I wasn't finished speaking! What we ''need'' is to build some sort of machine to take us to the center of the Earth. <hr width=50%/> :'''Pearl''': All right. What we have here in the barn should be adequate enough for us to get started. First, I recommend we organize the component types, and assemble a rough blueprint based off what we have available. Sorry, Steven. It's a lovely drawing, but it won't look like this. ''[Steven stops spinning on the swivel chair, now frowning]'' :'''Peridot''': ''[examines piece of chalk]'' Hmm... Good. Yes, this is adequate. Thank you. You can go now. :'''Pearl''': ..Uh, what? :'''Peridot''': Hm? ''[beat]'' Umm, that will be all? ''[claps to her for a beat, whispers to Steven]'' How do you get her to leave? :'''Pearl''': Excuse me, I am not leaving. :'''Steven''': Yeah! She's gotta stay here to help us build the drill thing, right? :'''Peridot''': ''[laughs]'' No, no, you're confused. A Pearl can't build a thing like this. :'''Steven''': Why not? :'''Peridot''': Because Pearls aren't ''for'' this! They're... for standing around, an-and looking nice, and uh... holding your stuff for you. Right? :'''Pearl''': That's enough! If we're going to work together, you're going to have to listen to me. :'''Peridot''': Listen to you? ''[starts laughing, turns to Steven]'' Did you teach her to talk like this? :'''Steven''': What are you talking about? :'''Peridot''': She's a Pearl. She's a made-to-order servant just like the hundreds of other Pearls being flaunted around back on Homeworld. :'''Steven''': Wait... There's hundreds of Pearls?! :'''Pearl''': ''[nervous]'' Well... yes, but— :'''Peridot''': ''[holding Pearl's sash]'' And she looks like a fancy one, too. ''[Pearl gasps]'' :'''Steven''': Hundreds of Pearls... :'''Peridot''': So, who do you belong to anyway? :'''Pearl''': ''[grabs her sash away from her]'' Nobody!! :'''Peridot''': Then... what are you for? ''[Pearl recoils back]'' Well, you can belong to me for now. Ha! A Peridot with a Pearl? What would they say back home? :'''Pearl''': Now listen here, you tiny twerp! In case you've forgotten, you're on ''our'' turf now! And I didn't fight a thousand-year war for this planet's independence to take orders from the likes of ''you''!! :'''Peridot''': Excuse me? I am a natural technician and a certified Kindergartener. I was made for this! You were made to take orders, not to give them! :'''Steven''': Whoa, whoa, hang on, guys! Now, we can all agree that you are both good at building things, so... can't you just try listening to each other? :'''Both''': <big>'''''NO!!'''''</big> :'''Pearl''': I'm as good at building things as you! Better, even! :'''Peridot''': Hah! Name one thing you can engineer better! Go on! :'''Steven''': ''[whispers]'' Robots. :'''Both''': Hm? :'''Steven''': You should build robots. Giant robots! I see a race. A giant robo-race... with prizes. Giant robo-prizes! :'''Pearl''': You mean like a competition? :'''Steven''': Yeah! To see who's better at building stuff! :'''Peridot''': What are these robots you speak of? :'''Steven''': They're like those funky marble guys you were sending—only bigger, and you can ride them! ''[makes robot noises]'' :'''Peridot''': Hah! Building one of these robots will be easy! :'''Pearl''': Well, I can build one faster! :'''Peridot''': That's what you think! === ''Too Far'' === :'''Peridot''': ''[talking into a recorder]'' Log date 7 11 2. It's the third rotation of the Earth since commencements of a... collaborative approach to stopping the Cluster. :'''Pearl''': I've finished drawing up the blueprints for the drill head. Peridot, if you could come take a look at this? :'''Peridot''': Remind me again why I should listen to you? Oh, right. ''[plays recorder]'' :'''Peridot''': ''[thru recorder] "The Pearl here has developed an aptitude for engineering that I begrudgingly respect. But that doesn't explain the spontaneous singing... crying... singing while crying." [Amethyst laughs]'' :'''Pearl''': ''[to Steven] [annoyed]'' Why did you give her that? :'''Steven''': Well, we did destroy all her stuff. I thought it might help make her feel a little better. :'''Peridot''': ''[thru recorder] "Clod!" [fast-forwards] "Mighty clod!" [fast-forwards] "Running out of ways to say clod."'' :'''Garnet''': All right. I chased away those cows. Now let's get to work. :'''Peridot''': ''[to Garnet] [clears throat]'' Before we begin, would you mind unfusing? It's making me incredibly uncomfortable. :''[beat as Steven, Amethyst and Pearl nervously look to Garnet. The scene then cuts to Garnet leashing Peridot to a fence.] :'''Peridot''': ''[as Garnet walks away]'' What?! What'd I say?! :'''Steven''': Did we really have to do that? :'''Garnet''': Her having free reign of the place made ''me'' incredibly uncomfortable. <hr width=50% /> :''[Steven and Amethyst walk up to a leashed Peridot growling over a microwave]'' :'''Peridot''': I just need some sort of leverage optimizer... :'''Amethyst''': Leverage optimizer? :'''Peridot''': That's what I said. :'''Amethyst''': Ohhh! Ha! You mean you want a screwdriver? ''[laughing]'' :'''Peridot''': Do you have one or not? :'''Steven''': Uh... ''[hands a screwdriver]'' Why don't you just use this one? :'''Peridot''': Because it was outside my radius. :'''Amethyst''': He-hey... Hey, Peridot... ''[points to her nose]'' What do you call this? :'''Peridot''': A scent sponge. :'''Steven''': Huh? ''[Amethyst laughs some more]'' :'''Amethyst''': Okay... ''[opens her eye]'' what's this? :'''Peridot''': Vision sphere. :'''Steven''': Peridot, that's— :'''Amethyst''': Wait, wait, Steven! Peridot... ''[waves her fingers]'' these? :'''Peridot''': ''[getting annoyed]'' Touch stumps. :'''Amethyst''': ''[points to her foot]'' This?! :'''Peridot''': Gravity connectors. :'''Amethyst''': ''This''?! :'''Peridot''': '''THAT'S YOUR BUTT!!!''' ''[Steven and Amethyst laugh out loud]'' :'''Steven''': Oh, man, Peridot, you're killing me! :'''Peridot''': I am not! That would violate our truce agreement! :'''Amethyst''': No, no, no! You're funny! :'''Peridot''': Funny? <hr width=50% /> :'''Peridot''': The strangest thing is, Amethyst... you think you have to listen to them! ''[laughs]'' You are the one they should put you in charge! :'''Amethyst''': Ha! That's your best joke yet. :'''Peridot''': No, really. Pearl is a Pearl. Garnet is a fusion. I don't even know what ''he's'' supposed to be. :'''Steven''': Hey! :'''Peridot''': You're the only Crystal Gem that's actually a Gem! :'''Amethyst''': Uh... ''[laughs nervously]'' What? :'''Peridot''': You outrank everyone on your team. They should be listening to you. You're a strong, singular, fully-functional soldier, despite the fact that you're defective. :'''Amethyst''': ..Defective? :'''Peridot''': Well, sure. You're small. :'''Amethyst''': So? :'''Peridot''': Well, you're not supposed to be! Hold on, wait, wait. Let me guess. ''[points to Amethyst's hole]'' This— ''[runs to hole]'' This is the hole you came out of. Too small, too low, the exit marks look about 500 years newer than every other hole. Hmm... this place must have been empty when you came out. No wonder you have no idea what you're supposed to look like! :'''Steven''': Peridot... ''[Amethyst holds Steven on the shoulder]'' :'''Amethyst''': What was I supposed to look like? :'''Peridot''': Well, you're a quartz. They're huge, loyal soldiers. You should be twice your size. Broad shouldered, intimidating, but you simply stayed in the ground too long. :'''Amethyst''': Are you saying I'm wrong?! :'''Peridot''': ''[laughing]'' Gemetically speaking, yes. When you think about it it's also... ''[snickers]'' funny! ''[Amethyst feels more enraged]'' :'''Steven''': Amethyst? :'''Peridot''': Hey, soldier. Maybe you can help me get this hunk of drill off. :''[Amethyst violently slashes the drill head off of an Injector with her whip]'' :'''Peridot''': See? Look at that! You can do everything a normal quartz can do. Let's head back and shove this thing in Pearl's face! :'''Steven''': Amethyst? Are you okay? :'''Amethyst''': Don't worry about it. <hr width=50% /> :'''Pearl''': ''WE LEAVE FOR ONE SECOND AND EVERYTHING GOES OFF THE RAILS!'' :'''Garnet''': I blame the cows. <hr width=50% /> :'''Peridot''': ''[thru recorder]'' "''Log date 7 11 2. This entire planet is backwards. There hasn't been one instance of correct behavior exhibited by anyone of these Crystal Gems. I have concluded that they are all defective. But I am no better. I failed my mission and I'm now working with the enemy. And I can't even get that right. I have apparently "hurt" Amethyst's "feelings", which was not my intent. If I damaged my standing with the best Gem here, then I've made a serious mistake. I'm still learning. I hope you understand. I want to understand. I'm sorry. [pause] Peridot, Facet 5, end log.''" === ''The Answer'' === :'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Sapphire had been called to Earth by Blue Diamond, specifically to share her vision of the future. :'''Sapphire''': ''[enters her Diamond's palanquin]'' My Diamond, I have arrived. :'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Blue Diamond spoke… :'''Blue Diamond (Garnet)''': Sapphire, tell me what will happen here. :'''Sapphire''': I foresee the rebels attacking the Cloud Arena. Before they are cornered, they will destroy the physical forms of seven gems, including two of my Ruby guards, and myself. Immediately after my form is destroyed, the rebels will be captured. The rebellion ends here. :'''Blue Diamond (Garnet)''': Thank you, Sapphire. :'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Blue Diamond said, relieved. :'''Blue Diamond (Garnet)''': That's all I needed to know. :'''Sapphire''': I look forward to speaking with you again once I reform back on Homeworld. <hr width=50% /> :'''Rose''': ''[off-screen]'' Blue Diamond, leave this planet! This colony will ''not'' be completed! :'''Ruby Guard''': It's the rebels! :'''Various Gems''': Who are you?! Show yourselves! :'''Rose''': ''[floating from above Pearl]'' We… :'''Rose & Pearl''': …are the Crystal Gems! :'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' The attack was right on schedule. <hr width=50% /> :'''Sapphire''': Thank you, Ruby. You did your best. :'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Ruby suddenly realized what Sapphire meant. She'd known that Ruby would fail. Sapphire had accepted it. But Ruby… Ruby could not. :'''Ruby''': ''NO!!'' ''[charges at Sapphire, pushing her out of the way of Pearl's attack, causing them to spin into the air and accidentally fuse into Garnet for the first time]'' <hr width=50% /> :'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' The furious crowd closed in around Ruby and Sapphire. They'd never seen fusion of two different types of gems. :'''Various Gems''': Unbelievable! Disgusting! This is unheard of! :'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Blue Diamond's voice cut through the crowd. :'''Blue Diamond (Garnet)''': The rebels have fled. Sapphire, this is ''not'' the scenario you described. :'''Sapphire''': This is… not what I saw! I don't know what happened, I… :'''Ruby''': No! It was me! :'''Blue Diamond (Garnet)''': Clearly. :'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Said Blue Diamond. :'''Blue Diamond (Garnet)''': How dare you fuse with a member of my court? :'''Ruby''': Forgive me, I… :'''Blue Diamond (Garnet)''': You will be broken for this! <hr width=50% /> :'''Both''': ''Where did we go, what did we do?'' :''I think we made something entirely new'' :''And it wasn't quite me and it wasn't quite you'' :''I think it was someone entirely new.'' :'''Ruby''': ''Oh, um'' :''Well, I just can't stop thinking'' :'''Sapphire''': ''So, um'' :''Did you say I was different?'' :'''Ruby''': ''And you hadn't before'' :'''Sapphire''': ''Of course not'' :''When would I have ever?'' :'''Ruby''': ''I'm so sorry'' :'''Sapphire''': ''No, no, don't be'' :'''Ruby''': ''And now you're here forever!'' :'''Sapphire''': ''What about you?'' :'''Ruby''': ''What about me?'' :'''Sapphire''': ''Well, you're here too'' :''We're here together.'' :''Mm-m-m-m-mm'' :'''Both''': ''Mm-m-m-m-mm, hm-m-m-m-m'' :''Mm-m-m-m-mm'' :''Mm-m-m-m-mm...'' <hr width=50% /> :'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' I was back. I was someone and I didn't know who. But I felt I was getting the hang of my strange new form. ''[beat]'' And then I fell. :'''Past Garnet''': Ahh! ''[tumbling down a hill and crashes in bushes]'' Ouch... ''[a sword is pointed to her face]'' Aahh! Don't hurt her! Don't hurt... me? :''[Pan up to see Pearl as the sword bearer]'' :'''Pearl''': It's you... the fusion. :'''Past Garnet''': We didn't mean to fuse! Well... well, we did this time. We'll unfuse! We-we'll... w-we'll... ''[Rose Quartz comes by]'' :'''Rose''': No, no, please. I'm glad to see you again. :'''Garnet''': And there they were - Rose Quartz, the leader of the rebellion and her terrifying renegade Pearl. :'''Past Garnet''': I don't... upset you? :'''Rose''': Who cares about how I feel? How ''you'' feel is bound to be much more interesting. :'''Past Garnet''': How I feel? I-I feel... uh, lost... and scared... a-and happy. W-Why am I so sure that I'd rather be this than everything I was supposed to be, and that I'd rather do this than everything I was supposed to do? ''[Rose chuckles and smiles]'' :'''Rose''': Welcome to Earth. :'''Past Garnet''': C-Can you tell me?! How was Ruby able to alter fate? Or, why was Sapphire willing to give up everything? W-What am I?! :'''Rose''': No more questions. Don't ''ever'' question this. You already are the answer. :''[Flashback story ends as Garnet concludes]'' :'''Steven''': So…what was it? The answer? :'''Garnet''': ''[whispers]'' Love. :'''Steven''': Wow… I knew it. :'''Garnet''': So did I. === ''Steven's Birthday'' === :''[Steven runs and hides to an edge of the barn; he de-ages into his normal state]'' :'''Steven''': Ohhh, geez! If I can just keep this up for the rest of my life, no one will suspect a thi— :''[he sees wide-eyed Amethyst and Greg staring at Steven for a beat; he drops a piñata stick]'' :'''Amethyst''': What are you doing?! :'''Steven''': ''[stammers]'' U-uh— well, what are ''[ages back]'' you doing? :'''Greg''': What are ''you'' doing to your body?! :'''Amethyst''': Woah, woah, woah... Have you been stretching yourself out all day?! :'''Steven''': No! I was just... slouching. :'''Greg''': Why are you doing this? It... really isn't like you. :'''Steven''': Because, Dad! I can't stay a kid forever! When Connie grows up and becomes president, what is that gonna make me? First Boy?! :'''Amethyst''': Steven, you can't just keep stretching forever. If you hold it too long, you could really hurt yourself. :'''Steven''': Yeah, well, I'm half-human so maybe it works different for me! We'll just have to wait and see, right?! :'''Greg''': ''[sighs]'' Steven... <hr width=50%/> :'''Garnet''': ''[trying to cheer up baby Steven but fails]'' My power means nothing to an infant. <hr width=50%/> :''[Greg, Connie and Amethyst (as a baby car seat for baby Steven) drive up in his van; Connie waves a maraca trying to calm down baby Steven]'' :'''Connie''': How can the Gems not know what to do?! :'''Greg''': You think they know the first thing about raising a baby? That was all me! But I don't get it. Driving always used to calm him down. :'''Connie''': But, how do we change him back?! :'''Greg''': I don't know! Look, Connie, let me take you home. I-I'll call you when this all this gets sorted out. :''[Connie turns to baby Steven babbling and crying]'' :'''Connie''': W-Wait, no! I wanna stay. :'''Greg''': Are you sure? :'''Connie''': Yeah! I just want to be there for Steven. Don't worry, Steven. It doesn't matter to me what age it seems like you are, I wanna hang out with you no matter what. Your dad still has to earn his car wash and the Gems have to do gem stuff, so I'll watch you when they're not around. I can come see you after I'm done training with Pearl, too. Doesn't that sound fun? ''[baby Steven holds onto her finger; coos happily]'' :'''Greg''': Look at that! He finally stopped crying. :'''Connie''': Well, that's a start. ''[Amethyst clears her throat]'' :'''Greg''': What's up, Amethyst? :'''Amethyst''': Baby Steven needs changin'. === ''It Could've Been Great'' === :'''Steven''': ''Life and death and love and birth'' :''And peace and war on the planet Earth'' :''Is there anything that's worth more'' :''Than peace and love on the planet Earth?'' :''Whoahh, come on and sing it with me'' :'''Peridot''': Sing? :'''Steven''': ''The words relate to the key'' :'''Peridot''': Key? :'''Steven''': ''If it's a pattern, if it's a pattern'' :''Then just repeat after me.'' :''Life and death and love and birth'' :'''Peridot''': ''Life and death and love and birth'' :'''Steven''': ''Now using mi-fa-mi-mi-fa-mi-ti-la!'' :'''Both''': ''And peace and war on the planet Earth.'' :'''Steven''': Yes, yes! That's it! :'''Peridot''': That's so easy. :'''Steven''': Yeah, but that's what's fun about it! You should write something, you should write a song. :'''Peridot''': About what? :'''Steven''': Whatever you're thinking. <hr width=25% /> :'''Peridot''': ''I guess we're already here, I guess we already know'' :''We've all got something to fear, we've all got nowhere to go'' :''I think you're all '''insane''', but I guess I am too'' :''Anybody would be if they were stuck on Earth with you.'' :'''Steven''': ''[laughing]'' Yes! ''Life and death and love and birth and'' :'''Amethyst''': ''Life and death and love and birth and'' :'''Pearl''': ''Life and death and love and birth'' :''And peace and war on the planet Earth.'' :'''Garnet''': ''Is there anything that's worth more'' :'''Steven''': ''Is there anything that's worth more'' :'''Peridot''': ''Is there anything that's worth more'' :''Than peace and love on the planet Earth?'' <hr width=50% /> :'''Steven''': Huh? Hey, Peridot, who is this supposed to be? :'''Peridot''': ''[runs up and gasps at the mural]'' It's Blue Diamond! Wait. Are they ''all'' here?! Ah, yes! There she is! :'''Steven''': Who? :''[They run up to the mural of Yellow Diamond]'' :'''Peridot''': Behold, Yellow Diamond! Isn't she magnificent? :'''Steven''': Wow! So, who are the Diamonds anyway? They seem like a big deal. :'''Peridot''': Are you joking me? The Diamonds are the Gem matriarchs! Together, they make up the Great Diamond Authority that governs Homeworld and all the outlying colonies! We live to serve them. ''[Garnet clears her throat and glares down at her in annoyance; nervously chuckles]'' I…I mean, we were all made to serve them, even though some of us don't anymore. <hr width=50% /> :'''Peridot''': This is so incredible! Only the most elite can enter these sanctums. We are literally walking in the footsteps of the Diamonds. :'''Steven''': They must really like stairs. :''[They enter an upstairs room with only a single mysterious object in the middle]'' :'''Steven''': Hey, what's this room? :'''Garnet''': ''[continues walking upstairs]'' It's not what we came for. :'''Amethyst''': Can we hurry it up? This place gives me the creeps. :'''Steven''': ''[as they reach the top of the moon base]'' We really are on the moon. <hr width=50% /> :''[Peridot brings up a hologram of Earth, which starts eroding to a hollowed-out version with a ring system as Steven and the Gems awe in shock]'' :'''Peridot''': Ta-da! A finished Earth colony. Wow, look at this! Eighty-nine Kindergartens, sixty-seven spires, a Galaxy Warp in each facet, efficient use of all available materials. What were you thinking shutting this operation down?! It could've been great! :'''Garnet''': No! You're wrong! :'''Peridot''': What do you mean? It's perfect. Look at it! :'''Pearl''': We ''are'' looking at it. :'''Amethyst''': Yeah, this plan stinks! :'''Garnet''': Completing this colony would have meant the extinction of all life on Earth! :'''Peridot''': But think of the good it would've done! The Gems that would've been made are empire expanded! :'''Pearl''': Rose Quartz believed all life was precious and ''worth'' protecting. :'''Peridot''': Well, if she wanted to protect it, she did a lousy job! There'd be no Cluster if the Earth had stayed a colony! Now there's no colony, and there's gonna be no Earth! So thank you, Rose Quartz, you doomed the planet! :''[Garnet, Pearl and Amethyst stare angrily at Peridot for a beat]'' :'''Steven''': Ohh-hoh-hoh! ''[nervously]'' Is there anything that's worth more than— ''[Garnet picks up Peridot]'' :'''Garnet''': You listen to me now. ''[summons gauntlet]'' You were talking about things that you do ''not'' understand. :'''Steven''': Garnet! Stop, please! It's not worth it. We're done here. Let's just go home. :''[Garnet drops Peridot on the seat and smashes the control panel with her gauntlet and the hologram dissipates; the Gems start leaving soon after. Steven sighs]'' :'''Peridot''': What'd I say? I'm just stating a fact. The rebellion didn't really save Earth, it just delayed the inevitable. :'''Steven''': ''[sighs]'' That's not the way they see it. They've spent thousands of years trying to protect the Earth. I thought maybe you finally understood why. === ''Message Received'' === :'''Peridot''': ''[quickly hides the Diamond Communicator prism she took from the Moon Base behind her back when she sees Steven]'' Oh! Steven. :'''Steven''': Peridot, I need to talk to you. :'''Peridot''': Uh, yeah! Sure. :''[They both enter the truck]'' :'''Peridot''': Why are we in this broken down vehicle? :'''Steven''': I wanted to ask you…about the Diamonds? :'''Peridot''': Oh! I don't know what the others have told you, but there's a reason they're in charge. :'''Steven''': Why's that? :'''Peridot''': They're objectively better than us. Every Gem has their strengths and weaknesses, but not them. They're absolutely totally completely flawless beings! Especially my diamond, Yellow Diamond, the most perfect, the most reasonable, rational, efficient decider ever to exist in the universe! :'''Steven''': You're really loyal to her, aren't you? :'''Peridot''': How could I not be? We might have our little truce, but I'll never forsake the Gem I was made for! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Yellow Pearl''': This is the Yellow Diamond control room. :'''Amethyst''': Is that another Pearl? :'''Steven''': Who is she? :'''Pearl''': Not all Pearls know each other, Steven. :'''Yellow Pearl''': Who authorized you to make this call? :'''Peridot''': No one. But it's an emergency! :'''Yellow Pearl''': That's no excuse to use the direct Diamond communication channel! :'''Yellow Diamond''': Pearl? :'''Yellow Pearl''': Yes, my Diamond? :'''Yellow Diamond''': Why is there someone on the diamond line? :'''Yellow Pearl''': I don't know! I was just about to tell her that… :'''Yellow Diamond''': I'll take it from here. ''[brings the screen up to her eye level, revealing herself]'' :''[The Crystal Gems gasp in shock]'' :'''Amethyst''': Is that… :'''Pearl''': Yellow… :'''Garnet''': Diamond. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Peridot''': Wait! I— I wouldn't have called just to waste your time with a report. :'''Yellow Diamond''': You already have. :'''Peridot''': ''[nervously]'' No, I mean... The reason I called – the ''real'' reason... I believe we should terminate the Cluster. :'''Yellow Diamond''': ...''Why?'' :'''Peridot''': The organic ecosystem creates resources unique to this world. We can't sacrifice all that potential just for one geo-weapon! I'd like to tell you some plans I came up with to utilize the planet without disrupting the local— :'''Yellow Diamond''': I've heard enough! I don't care about potential and resources. :'''Peridot''': What? :'''Yellow Diamond''': I want my Cluster, and I want that planet to ''die''. Just make that happen. :'''Peridot''': ...No! :'''Yellow Pearl''': Huh?! :'''Yellow Diamond''': Are you questioning my authority? :'''Peridot''': I'm questioning your objectivity! My Diamond. :'''Yellow Pearl''': Well! ''[Yellow Diamond stands up]'' :'''Yellow Diamond''': You are out of line. :'''Peridot''': I just think— :'''Yellow Diamond''': I'm not interested in the puny thoughts of a Peridot. :'''Peridot''': But— :'''Yellow Diamond''': You have disrespected this channel and my time with your presence, and you would do well to— :'''Peridot''': But— :'''Yellow Diamond''': ''Shut your mouth!!'' ''[beat]'' You have failed at every stage of this mission! Your only chance to redeem yourself is to obey this simple order: You are to leave the Cluster to grow. It will tear apart the Earth, and I will take immense satisfaction in erasing that hideous rock off of our star maps! ''Is that clear?!'' :'''Peridot''': I won't do it!! I can tell you with certainty that there are things on this planet worth protecting! ''[Steven smiles]'' :'''Yellow Diamond''': What do you know about the Earth?! :'''Peridot''': ''[losing her temper]'' APPARENTLY MORE THAN ''YOU'', YOU... <big>'''''CLOD!'''''</big> ''[Yellow Diamond suddenly becomes incredibly livid at a petrified Peridot]'' Uhh... Peridot out. :''[She terminates communication; Steven and the Gems come out from hiding and happily congratulate Peridot]'' :'''Steven''': That was AMAZING! :'''Peridot''': ''[sweating and looking devastated]'' I can't believe I just did that... :'''Steven''': I was so wrong about being so wrong about you! :'''Peridot''': ''[still sweating and devastated]'' I can't believe I just did that...! :'''Garnet''': You thought you could change her mind. :'''Amethyst''': Yellow D got torn down by the "Peridactyl"! :'''Peridot''': ''[sighs and gives the communicator to Pearl]'' Can one of you take this? :'''Pearl''': Why? :'''Peridot''': Because it can be remotely detonated. :''[The communicator starts to glow red; Steven and the Gems panic while Peridot curls up into a ball on the ground]'' :'''Pearl''': How do we stop it?! :'''Garnet''': Just get rid of it! :'''Pearl''': Err, here, Amethyst! ''[passes it to her]'' :'''Amethyst''': ''WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH IT?!'' :''[She throws it to Steven, who bubbles it; Garnet punches it away into the sky, where it explodes harmlessly]'' :'''Peridot''': ''[still curled up]'' I thought I could reason with her... :'''Amethyst''': ''[grinning]'' Yeah, you ''REALLY'' made her mad. :'''Pearl''': ''[smiling]'' And then you insulted her to her face. :'''Steven''': ''[overjoyed]'' Do you know what this means?! :'''Peridot''': I'm a traitor to my Homeworld. :'''Steven''': ''You're a Crystal Gem!!!'' ''[hugs Peridot]'' :'''Garnet''': ''[smiling]'' Whether you like it or not. :''[Peridot starts groaning loudly as the camera zooms out to the whole of Earth]'' === ''Log Date 7 15 2'' === :'''Peridot''': Log Date 7 15 2. I can't believe I just did that! I disobeyed my orders and went against Yellow Diamond's wishes! I'm a traitorous clod! I never want to think about what I've done again! ''[stops recording, rewinds and plays the recording; laughs madly]'' And I called Yellow Diamond a clod! Right to her face! ''[falls to her knees]'' I called Yellow Diamond a clod. ''Right to her face.'' :'''Steven''': Uh, Peridot? Are you going to be okay? :'''Peridot''': ''[enthusiastically with a deranged smile]'' No! :'''Steven''': It's all going to work out. You're with us now. :'''Peridot''': You don't understand! I'm protecting a planet I was once trying to destroy! I used to follow every order, every rule. Now I'm a traitor. ''[cringes]'' A rebel! ''[eyes turn to stars] '''A CRYSTAL GEMMMMMMMMMMMM....''' ''[snickers]'' :'''Steven''': Well, that tape recorder seems to be helping. :'''Peridot''': '''NO IT'S NOT!''' ''[throws recorder at Garnet, who had just entered]'' It's a chronicle of my descent into madness!!! :'''Garnet''': ''[holding out recorder to Peridot]'' You dropped this. :'''Peridot''': Get it away from me! Give it to Steven. Return madness to its source! <hr width=50%/> :'''Peridot''': Log Date 7 11 2. The Steven has given me this Earth machine to replace my communicator log. It looks…extremely primitive. He also said he wanted me to stop calling him, "The Steven." :'''Steven''': It's just "Steven." :'''Peridot''': I said I'd call him whatever I want. ''[hisses viciously at him; Steven holds up his finger in her face]'' He told me that was rude. :'''Steven''': Rude. :'''Peridot''': I guess I'll him, "Steven." <hr width=50%/> :'''Peridot''': "Jokes." ''[opens up the joke book; clears throat]'' "Why did the chicken cross the road? The chicken wanted to get to the other side of the road." ''[laughs]'' What's a chicken? <hr width=50%/> :''[Steven installs a TV, inserts a VHS tape in it, and ''Camp Pining Hearts'' begins to start]'' :'''TV Narrator''': ''On the last episode of ''"Camp Pining Hearts"…'' :'''Paulette''': I don't care that you're on the yellow team, Percy. We can make this work! :'''Percy''': It's color war, Paulette. Doesn't that mean anything to you? :''[They lean in closer to kiss]'' :'''Peridot''': What is this strange ritual? :'''Steven''': Uh, that's um… :'''Peridot''': Are they attempting fusion? :'''Steven''': No, well, my dad told me during certain stages in your life-- :'''Peridot''': How could anyone indulge in this baseless drivel?! I'll have no part of it! ''[through recorder]'' ''Hour 78 of ''"Camp Pining Hearts."'' [repeating Percy's line] ''It's the color war, Paulette. Doesn't that mean anything to you?'' :'''Steven''': Uh, you've been here for a few days. Is everything okay? :'''Peridot''': I've just been… watching your previously recorded entertainment. :'''Steven''': Is that the same episode from three days ago? :'''Peridot''': There's more than one? :'''Steven''': Hmm... nah. Oh, you made a picture. ''[reaches a piece of paper before Peridot snatches it]'' :'''Peridot''': Picture?! This isn't just a picture, Steven! It's a complex chart cataloging the compatible characteristics between campers. Somehow, the rejects at Camp Clod fail to recognize the superior pair that is Pierre and Percy. :'''Steven''': Well, that's 'cause Paulette likes Percy. :'''Peridot''': Paulette? Ha! Paulette has ''no'' place in the camp's hierarchy. Now, Pierre-- Pierre is a brute! Pierre laid waste to the three-legged races. Pierre and Percy present the strongest battle formation. They'd destroy the camp! :'''Steven''': You got all this from one episode? :'''Peridot''': It's ''{{w|subtext}}'', Steven. Allow me to explain. ''[cut back to recorder held by Steven]'' ''Well, first of all…'' :'''Steven''': Ugh, I remember this part. ''[fast-forwards recorder as we see Peridot speeding through the entire session; Steven soon falls asleep with Garnet now sitting on the couch]'' :'''Peridot''': And that's why Percy and Pierre are objectively the best for each other! ''[Steven slumps down the floor; Garnet gives a thumbs up; tears up her complex chart, angrily]'' ''GRAHHH!!!'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Peridot''': Pearl really tries for some reason and I can appreciate that. Amethyst's company is entertaining as well, but the fused one… ''[sees Garnet for a long beat, she gives her a thumbs up]'' …eludes me. <hr width=50%/> :'''Peridot''': Why are you fused all the time?! :'''Garnet''': I'm Percy and Pierre. :'''Peridot''': ''[realizing]'' Ohhhhh! :''[Steven fast-forwards the tape recorder]'' :'''Peridot''': ''[through recorder] Okay, go.'' :'''Garnet''': ''[through recorder] Log Date seven fourteen two.'' :'''Peridot''': ''[through recorder] No, you say it seven one-''four'' two! [groans] Log Date 7 14 2. I have attempted a fusion with the fusion Garnet. I had hoped to gain a better understanding of fusion. Instead, I gained a better understanding of Garnet. :'''Garnet''': ''[through recorder] Wait, keep it on a moment. Steven, you probably shouldn't have listened to Peridot's logs, but I know your curiosity comes from a place of caring. You should give the recorder back to her now. She's going to want to keep it.'' :'''Peridot''': ''[through recorder] Wait, what?'' [[Category:Steven Universe seasons]] f60pi507qwj93d84v3nyzmhovv1e0rg 3153106 3153100 2022-08-10T02:17:59Z 162.197.99.132 /* Log Date 7 15 2 */ wikitext text/x-wiki ---- :'''Seasons:''' [[Steven Universe (season 1)|1]] [[Steven Universe (season 2)|2]] [[Steven Universe (season 3)|3]] [[Steven Universe (season 4)|4]] [[Steven Universe (season 5)|5]] | [[Steven Universe: The Movie|Film]] | [[Steven Universe Future|Future]] | [[Steven Universe|Main]] ---- {{italic title}} The following is a list of quotes from the second season of ''[[Steven Universe]]''. === ''Full Disclosure'' === :'''Greg''': I saw the spaceship starting to leave and then it crashed and I came back and— ''[sees Steven's black eye]'' Ugh, your eye... But you're okay! I guess those jerks were no match for the Crystal Gems! :'''Steven''': No way! They were super strong! :'''Greg''': But you were able to beat them back? :'''Steven''': No, they totally stomped us! This warrior Jasper was super beefy and knocked me unconscious. Then they abducted me onto the ship because they wanted to take me away forever, and then we crashed the ship and I almost died! ''[Greg freaks out]'' :'''Greg''': W-What do they want with you?! :'''Steven''': They think I'm Mom. :'''Greg''': Ar-are more Homeworld Gems gonna come after you?! :'''Steven''': I— uhh... I don't know. Maybe? :'''Greg''': Steven, I'm supportive and very proud of you... and I'll be right back. ''[runs into his van]'' Gotta calm down. Where's my— ''[brings a series of CDs up front]'' Where's my relaxing music CD?! This one? ''[inserts CD; starts blaring loud metal music]'' Wrong one!! Stop!! Eject!! <hr width="50%"> :'''Ronaldo''': Oh! I see... You come up here to brood too! :'''Steven''': Brood? :'''Ronaldo''': Yes, Steven. That's just what people like us do. Suffer quietly, shouldering the knowledge no one else can bear. :'''Steven''': Hm. :'''Ronaldo''': As an aficionado of the weird yourself, you've probably noticed ordinary people fear the cold leaded anchor of the truth. The abyss is no Sunday swan ride. :'''Steven''': I know! My dad flipped out when I told him! :'''Ronaldo''': Sounds typical. But it's a good reminder. This is no easy path we've chosen here. There are... sacrifices. Look at them all down there, Steven. It's our duty to let those simple people live out their simple lives, without ever knowing the burden of being friends with us. :'''Steven''': At least we can be there for each other. :'''Ronaldo''': Is that giant hand from the sky sitting right in the middle of the beach?! I gotta get some of this for my blog! <hr width="50%"> :'''Amethyst''': Aw, come on! :'''Garnet''': No whining. We need to start cleaning up the debris. :'''Pearl''': Garnet's right. People are already coming back into town! :'''Steven''': We've got to keep them off the beach. If any humans got access to Gem technology, ''[shuts blinds]'' they could really hurt themselves. Maybe we should shut them out... for good. :'''Pearl''': You know... we did once have a fence. Let's get a new one—with barbed wire! :'''Amethyst''': This time, let's build a moat. I could be... ''[shapeshifts her head]'' the crocodi-i-ile!! Jazz hands! :'''Garnet''': No. :'''Amethyst''': Why not? :'''Pearl''': You always say you'll be the crocodile, but you never commit! :'''Garnet''': No fence either. :'''Amethyst/Pearl''': Garnet! :'''Garnet''': Steven needs to see his father and his friends. :'''Steven''': No, I don't! I can't keep clinging to the vestiges of my humanity. It's time I got serious. ''[his phone starts ring-toning again]'' Errh! :'''Pearl''': Steven, why is your communication device playing that song? :'''Steven''': It's Connie, trying to call me... but I can't face her anymore. :'''Pearl''': So... you're just going to ignore her forever? :'''Steven''': It's the responsible thing to do. :'''Amethyst''': ''[sees thru blinds]'' It's gonna be hard, 'cause she's coming up the steps right now. :'''Steven''': What?! === ''Open Book'' === === ''Joy Ride'' === :'''Steven''': Family stuff is tricky. :'''Buck, Sour Cream, and Jenny''': Mmhm. :'''Steven''': A few months back, my dad and the Gems grounded me from TV. :'''Buck, Sour Cream, and Jenny''': That's the worst. / Bummer. / No way! :'''Steven''': And then I found out that the Gems are alien rebels and that there are other Gems out in space that want us dead 'cause they think we're traitors. And they tried to take me hostage 'cause they think I'm my mom. And... maybe I kinda am? ''[sighs]'' I wish I could talk to Garnet, Amethyst and Pearl about it, but... I think they kinda blame me for my mom not being around. :''[Buck, Sour Cream and Jenny are in a state of shock for a beat. Jenny turns off the radio]'' :'''Jenny''': That's heavy. :'''Steven''': I guess. <hr width=50%> :'''Garnet''': Steven... you're ungrounded from TV. === ''[[w:Say Uncle (Steven Universe)|Say Uncle]]'' === :'''Steven''': What am I doing wrong? The Gems can all summon ''their'' weapons, why can't I? ''[desperately]'' Isn't there somebody who can help me?! <hr width="50%" /> :'''Steven''': Oh my gosh! Uncle Grandpa! You're really here, I can't believe it! I mean… I literally can't believe it. How is this even possible?! :'''Uncle Grandpa''': Don't worry, bro. None of this is canon. ''[pulls a real cannon out of Belly Bag]'' But this is! ''[launches his head like a cannonball with smoke trails spelling "APRIL FOOLS" and crashes into a ship with Lars and Sadie on it]'' :'''Lars''': Oh, no!! Our ship!! <hr width=50% /> :'''Amethyst''': Steven! :'''Pearl''': What's going on?! Who is this stranger? :'''Steven''': He's not a stranger, he's Uncle Grandpa! :''[Uncle Grandpa honks his nose]'' :'''Amethyst''': "Uncle… Grandpa"? :'''Pearl''': So that would make him Greg's brother… ''and'' father? :'''Garnet''': That would explain a lot. <hr width=50% /> :'''Pizza Steve''': Oh hey, it's just me, Pizza Steve—just the coolest and tastiest Steve who ever lived. :'''Steven''': Hi, Pizza Steve! I'm a Steve too! Steven Universe. :'''Pizza Steve''': ''Stee''-ven Universe... ''[pops out on top of Steven's hair]'' Come on, Uncle G. I've got two rules—no more than 40 or 50 vans, and only '''ONE''' Steve allowed! :'''Uncle Grandpa''': Yeah, but this Steven is special. :'''Mr. Gus''': Yeah. He's a Crystal Gem. :'''Uncle Grandpa''': Good mornin', Mr. Gus. :'''Mr. Gus''': What's up, Uncle Grandpa? :'''Steven''': Whoa, Mr. Gus! How do you know about me? :'''Mr. Gus''': I have a comprehensive knowledge of all magical denizens of the multiverse. I know ''ALL'' about the Crystal Gems. Come on, man, check this out. I even made my own Gemsona. ''[shows art of "Mr. Gusite"]'' My gem is on my tail, and my weapon is a fryin' pan. <hr width=50% /> :''[The Gems run frantically across the plot hole many times, stop for a breather]'' :'''Garnet''': There's got to be some way out of here. :'''Pearl''': ''[extremely panicked]'' WE'LL NEVER ESCAPE!! ''THIS'' IS OUR NEW ''HOME!!'' :'''Garnet''': Pearl, you're overreacting. :'''Pearl''': <big>'''I'M NOT OVERREACTING!!!'''</big> :''[Pearl runs around screaming until she crashes into Amethyst]'' :'''Amethyst''': Hey, where's Steven? ''[Pizza Steve walks in dressed like Steven]'' :'''Pizza Steve''': Lookin' for me, Pizza Steven Universe? ''[Pearl gasps, cowers behind Garnet]'' :'''Pearl''': That's not my baby! :'''Amethyst''': Ah, nice! ''[eyes on Pizza Steve]'' :'''Pizza Steve''': Whoa, hold on! :'''Amethyst''': ''Pizzaaaaaa!!'' ''[chases Pizza Steve offscreen]'' :'''Pizza Steve''': Don't eat Pizza Steve! ''[munching noises]'' :''[Amethyst walks back on, putting on Pizza Steve's sunglasses from out of her mouth]'' :'''Garnet''': Okay, I'm ready for this episode to end. :''[She stomps, causing the plot hole to crack and shatter, leaving them back at the beach]'' <hr width=50% /> :'''Steven''': ''[after finally summoning his shield; to Uncle Grandpa]'' I did it, Uncle Grandpa! I really did it! :'''Uncle Grandpa''': Yay. :'''Pearl''': Protecting HIM activated Steven's powers?! :'''Garnet''': He must really care about this stranger. :'''Amethyst''': I hope he didn't care about that pizza. :'''Steven''': Listen! It was a big, weird surprise when Uncle Grandpa showed up here today. We've never met anyone like Uncle Grandpa, but you can't just attack people you don't understand. You have to stick up for them, and listen to what they have to say. You guys always do that for me. :'''Pearl''': ''[blushing with tears in her eyes, feeling guilty and sorry]'' Steven, you're right. ''[cries]'' HOW CAN I BE SO BLIND?! I'M SORRY! :'''Amethyst''': I also apologize for Pearl. :'''Garnet''': Thank you, you taught us a valuable lesson, Uncle Grandpa. <hr width=50% /> :'''Uncle Grandpa''': Boy, that sure makes my eyes hurt. Now let's see here... ''[grabs a checklist revealing several other Cartoon Network protagonists]'' Dexter, Dee-dee, Blossom, Bubbles, Buttercup, Ed, Edd, Eddy, Billy, Mandy, Mac, Juniper Lee, Swat Kats, Flapjack, Finn, Oh! Steven! ''[checks off Steven's name]'' Now who's next? ''[Clarence's name is shown at the bottom of the list]'' === ''Story for Steven'' === === ''Shirt Club '' === :''[Steven rushes to the Beach House]'' :'''Steven''': Garnet! Amethyst! Pearl! :'''Garnet''': Steven! :'''Pearl''': What is it?! :'''Amethyst''': Whoa, where's the fire? :'''Steven''': It's an emergency! You have to help me take down all the shirts and stop Buck from making more! :'''Pearl''': Have the shirts come to life and and possessed the bodies of their wearers?! :'''Steven''': Uh, no! They just— :'''Amethyst''': Are people catching on fire when they put on the magic shirts? :'''Steven''': No! No, they're just— :'''Pearl''': Are the shirts destroying the wearer's will to continue on in this mortal coil, thereby shutting down Beach City!?! :'''Steven''': ''NOOOOO''!!! They're— they're just... using my art in a way I don't agree with. :'''Pearl''': Oh. ''[all Gems sit down]'' :'''Garnet''': Ah, we'll pass. :'''Steven''': What?! But— but I really need your help! :'''Pearl''': Steven, this sounds like a very abstract problem. :'''Amethyst''': It's not something we can ''punch''! :'''Garnet''': You must learn to help yourself. That's how you become stronger. ''[shades sparkle]'' :'''Amethyst/Pearl''': Good point, good point. / Oh, absolutely. :'''Steven''': But..! :'''Amethyst''': You figure something ''out'', Steven! :'''Pearl''': Yes! Why not dust off those conflict resolution skills? :'''Garnet''': Let your problem be known, then you can work towards an understanding. :'''Steven''': Oh... I'll make them understand. I'll make them all understand... ''[leaves]'' :'''Amethyst''': Eh, he'll be fine. === ''Love Letters'' === :''[Steven and Connie meet Jamie sitting on a log in the beach]'' :'''Steven''': Jamie! :'''Jamie''': Oh, hey, Connie and Steven. You guys come out here to stare at the ocean and think about life too? :'''Connie''': Uhh, no...? We came to, uh— :'''Jamie''': Yeah, life is crazy. One day, you're right here in Beach City delivering mail and then the next thing you know... you're on a bus to Kansas, following your dreams of becoming an actor. "Follow your dreams," they said. But no one said anything about all the rejection and sadness there was to be found. So many auditions day after day... So much rejection day after day... That's why I came back. ''[two seagulls crash into each other and fall into the sea]'' One more rejection would have destroyed my fragile heart. ''[sobs, chuckles]'' Sorry... sometimes I get caught up in the drama zone, you know? :'''Steven''': Yeah, right... Drama zone. :'''Connie''': Oh, by the way, we have something for yo— :'''Steven''': No, we don't! <hr width=50%> :'''Garnet''': I didn't mean to upset you. :'''Jamie''': Then will you go out with me? :'''Garnet''': No! :'''Jamie''': But I've loved you since the moment I saw you. :'''Garnet''': Love at first sight doesn't exist. Love takes time and love takes work. At the very least, you have to know the other person. And you literally have no idea who or what I am. ''[shades glimmer]'' :'''Jamie''': But I bloom for you like— like a... camellia... under moonlight? :'''Garnet''': No, you don't! ''[long beat]'' You make a very convincing lovesick fool. You convinced these children. ''[adjusts her shades]'' You even convinced yourself. ''[smiling]'' You're a fantastic actor. :'''Jamie''': ''[beat]'' ..What am I supposed to do now? :'''Garnet''': Start with local theater. ''[slaps Jamie's back, then walks away. Connie and Steven walk closer to him]'' :'''Connie''': Are you okay? :'''Jamie''': Yeah. That was some pretty solid advice. :'''Steven''': Were those more letters you wrote to Garnet? :'''Jamie''': No. That was the mail I was supposed to deliver on my last route. :'''Steven''': ''[beat]'' We'll help you pick it all up. :'''Jamie''': Thanks. === ''Reformed'' === :'''Garnet''': This is not a good choice for your form. :'''Amethyst''': Lighten up, Garnet. Can't you take a joke? :'''Garnet''': It's not funny. You've made yourself ridiculous. :'''Amethyst''': <big>'''''RIDICULOUS?!?!'''''</big> :'''Garnet''': Keep your voice down! The creature... :'''Amethyst''': Hrrr... You wanted me to be more like Pearl, and now I am!! :'''Garnet''': ''[low voice]'' Pearl would've taken her regeneration seriously! :'''Amethyst''': WHAT DO YOU CARE!?! MY FORM IS '''''MY'' BUSINESS!!''' :'''Garnet''': It's my business when it affects the strength of the team!! :'''Amethyst''': ..So what?! I'm not strong enough?! ''[gets dragged by the Slinker]'' :'''Steven''': Amethyst! :'''Amethyst''': '''ARE YOU SAYING... <big>I'M ''WEAK''</big>?!?!''' ''[poofs again; Steven catches her gemstone]'' :'''Steven''': Is it weird I'm getting numbed to this? === ''[[w:Sworn to the Sword|Sworn to the Sword]]'' === :'''Connie''': ''[fights off seagulls with her violin bow]'' Run back to your masters! Tell them we're not afraid of your kind! :'''Steven''': ''[chuckles]'' Thanks for saving my jam snack. Unfortunately, it's not safe from me. ''[munches it]'' You're such a good sword fighter, Connie. :'''Connie''': Really? I was just swinging this thing around. I don't really know what I'm doing, but I'd love to learn how to use a real sword! :'''Steven''': Oh! ''[gulps snack; starry eyes]'' Steven has an idea! :''[back at the Beach House]'' :'''Pearl''': You want me to do ''what''?! :'''Steven''': You should teach Connie to sword fight, she's already so good! :'''Connie''': Steven! :'''Steven''': But you are! Y-You helped me fight the robot floaty-thing, she took down that evil clone of herself, uh... those mean seagulls just now? :'''Pearl''': You're awfully young to begin something like this. But I suppose I was only a few thousand years old when I began fighting alongside Rose Quartz. ''[Connie raises her hand]'' Yes, Connie? :'''Connie''': Please! I want to learn! I mean, I don't know what'll happen in the future. But if something dangerous comes along... I don't wanna be a burden, I wanna help! I want to be there for Steven to fight by his side! The Earth is my home too. Can't I help protect it? ''[Pearl starts watering tears of joy]'' :'''Pearl''': Oh... okay... If that's how you feel... we should get started! :'''Steven''': Woo-hoo! ''[runs after her laughing]'' :'''Connie''': Wait, now? <hr width=50%> :'''Pearl''': All right, everything begins with your stance. Remember: :''[singing] You do it for him, and you would do it again'' :''You do it for her, that is to say, you'll do it for him.'' :''Keep your stance wide, keep your body lowered'' :''As you're moving forward, balance is the key'' :''Right foot, left foot, now go even faster'' :''And as you're moving backwards, keep your eyes on me.'' :'''Connie''': ''Keep my stance wide'' ("Good.") :''Keep my body lowered'' ("Right.") :''As I'm moving forward'' :'''Pearl''': ''Concentrate! Don't you want him to live?!'' :'''Connie''': ''Right foot, left foot'' :'''Pearl''': ''Yes, but put your whole body into it!'' :''Everything you have, everything you are'' :''You've got to give.'' :''On the battlefield, when everything is chaos'' :''And you have nothing but the way you feel, your strategy and a sword'' :''You just think about the life you'll have together after the war'' :''And then you do it for her, that's how you know you can win'' :''You do it for her, that is to say, you'll do it for him.'' <hr width=25%> :''Deep down, you know you weren't built for fighting'' :''But that doesn't mean you're not prepared to try'' :''What they don't know is your real advantage'' :''When you live for someone, you're prepared to die.'' :'''Connie''': ''Deep down, I know that I'm just a human'' ("True.") :'''Both''': ''But I/you know that I/you can draw my/your sword and fight'' :'''Connie''': ''With my short existence,'' ("Good.") ''I can make a difference'' ("Yes, excellent!") :''I can be there for him, I can be his knight.'' :'''Connie''': ''I can do it for him'' :'''Both''': ''You'd do it for her'' :'''Pearl''': ''Okay, now do that again'' ("Yes, ma'am.") :''You do it for her, and now you say'' :'''Connie''': ''I'll do it for him.'' <hr width=50%> :'''Amethyst''': ''[belly laughs]'' Wow, Garnet! That is the funniest thing I've ever heard! :'''Garnet''': Garnet, master of comedy. :'''Amethyst''': Hehehe... Yo, Steven. ''[pretend-yells]'' '''WHY ARE YOU STANDING THERE ALL SAD LIKE THAT?!?!''' :'''Steven''': W-well... Connie is taking sword fighting lessons from Pearl, but I think it's getting a little too serious. She wants Connie to do all this dangerous stuff for me. :'''Garnet''': That makes sense. :'''Steven''': What do you mean? :'''Garnet''': Back during the war, Pearl took pride in risking her destruction for your mother. She put Rose Quartz over everything — over logic, over consequence, over her own life. :''[Pearl and Rose switch to Connie and Steven, respectively. She charges at the enemy before cutting to Steven's horrified face]'' :'''Amethyst''': You okay, dude? :'''Steven''': I have to do something!! Thanks for telling me that, bye!! === ''Rising Tides, Crashing Skies'' === :'''RonaIdo''': I am now going to attempt to make contact with the mysterious, reclusive, ''[Steven comes out]'' and—ahh! :'''Steven''': Hi, Ronaldo! Uh, hi, Peedee. Is that a camera? :'''Peedee''': Yeah. We're making a movie about— :'''RonaIdo''': It's an investigative report, shot ''[[w:cinéma vérité|camera vérité]]''. :'''Steven''': Cool! :'''RonaIdo''': So... you wanna participate in a groundbreaking interview? :'''Steven''': Hmm. Only if ''you'' participate in a glass of fresh-squeezed lemonade! ''[walks back inside]'' :''[cue Ronaldo and Steven in the Beach House]'' :'''Steven''': Ohh, that giant hand? It was a spaceship coming to get us. :'''RonaIdo''': Us?! I knew it! Steven, we know too much! :'''Steven''': No, not "us" us. I-I meant me and the Crystal Gems. :'''RonaIdo''': Wait. So the hand wasn't here to snatch up humans for a human zoo? Or interfere with our subsidized Beach City wind farm?! Or thaw the cryogenically frozen pets of the one percent!?! :'''Steven''': Uh... no, I'm pretty sure it came to Beach City for me and the Crystal Gems. :'''RonaIdo''': Oh. So, if you and the Crystal Gems weren't here, we wouldn't have been attacked by the giant hand? :'''Steven''': Ohh-hoh-hoh! Definitely not. === ''Keeping It Together'' === :'''Pearl''': Garnet, you don't think Peridot would come looking for us, do you? :'''Garnet''': We weren't her priority. She was sent here to do something in the Kindergarten. :'''Pearl''': Do you think she's still going to try to reactivate it? :'''Garnet''': Mm. If she gets it back up and running, the Injectors will turn back on. :'''Steven''': Injectors? What're those? :'''Pearl''': You've already seen them. ''[projects hologram from her gemstone]'' Well, you've seen them disabled. If Peridot reactivates them, they'll pick right up where they left off, planting gems in the crust of the Earth, where they'll incubate and suck the life right out of the ground. We can't let Peridot restart Gem production here. If we do... ''[sighs]'' the entire planet will become… :'''Garnet''': Janked. :'''Amethyst''': Garnet! ''[laughs]'' That mouth! ''[sniggers]'' :'''Garnet''': Don't worry. We'll stop her. <hr width=50% /> :'''Steven''': We did it! Garnet? :'''Garnet/Ruby'''! So ''this'' is what Homeworld thinks of fusion! :'''Garnet/Sapphire''': We couldn't have known they would do this. :'''Garnet/Ruby''': ''This'' is where they've been…all the ones we couldn't find… they've been here the whole time! :'''Garnet/Sapphire''': Rose couldn't have known. :'''Garnet/Ruby''': This is punishment for the rebellion! :'''Garnet/Sapphire''': ''[breaking down]'' It's not our fault! :'''Steven''': Garnet! :'''Garnet''': S-Steven. :'''Amethyst''': ''[sliding down with Pearl]'' Yo! We're back. :'''Pearl''': Garnet, we lost Peridot. Her fingers were too fast for us. ''[two fused hands climb up on Amethyst and grabs them]'' Um… what are these things? :'''Garnet''': PUT THEM DOWN! :'''Steven''': Uh! :'''Pearl''': Wha...? ''[throws the hands away]'' :'''Garnet''': We need to poof and bubble all of them. We can't let any escape. ''[She poofs the hands as the screen turns black]'' <hr width=50% /> :'''Garnet''': What Homeworld did… taking the shattered parts of fallen Gems and combining them—those Gems weren't asked permission. Fusion is a choice. Those Gems weren't given a choice. It isn't right. It isn't fusion! <hr width=50% /> :''[Steven looks at Garnet as he takes the clothes out the dryer into the basket]'' :'''Steven''': What's it like... being a fusion? :'''Garnet''': You fused. :'''Steven''': I mean, like, all the time. Do you forget who you used to be? :'''Garnet''': You forget you were ever alone. You know when you fuse, you don't feel like two people. You feel like one being. And your old names might as well be names for your left arm, and your right. :'''Steven''': When you split up, is it like you disappear? :'''Garnet''': I embody my— I mean, Ruby and Sapphire's love. I always exist in them, even if I split apart. But the strength of that love keeps me together, so I can stay Garnet for a very long time. :'''Steven''': That's why you're so great! :'''Garnet''': ''[smiles]'' Ha. ''[Steven starts laughing, with a light blue colored sock being blown away]'' :'''Steven''': Oh, no! ''[Garnet catches it]'' :'''Garnet''': Don't wanna break up a pair. :'''Steven''': ''[holds peach colored sock]'' Yeah, you're right. ''[Garnet folds socks into basket]'' They belong together. === ''We Need to Talk'' === :''[Greg re-watches Pearl and Rose's fusion dance, practices and falls down]'' :'''Greg''': Ah, geez! How'd she get her legs to do that? ''[groans]'' :'''Amethyst''': Hey! ''[looks at face-to-face with Garnet]'' Are you dead? :'''Greg''': Wha? Uh, no, no. I'm alive. :'''Amethyst''': Whoa, cool! ''[jumps over Greg, runs to the TV]'' It's us from before! :'''Greg''': Yeah, I was just... trying to get my head around this fusion dance. :'''Amethyst''': A fusion dance ain't about your head! ''[laughs out loud]'' :'''Greg''': Wait... you guys are Gems. You gotta help me out here. I need to be able to fuse with Rose! :'''Garnet''': First, you need a gem at the core of your being. Then you need a body that can turn into light. Then you need the partner who you trust with that light. :'''Greg''': Metaphorically? :'''Garnet''': Literally. :'''Amethyst''': ''[whispers]'' Shh! Come on! I still wanna see him try! :'''Greg''': Ugh, so it's true. I really can't do it. ''[touches his face]'' I'm kidding myself with this! I'm never gonna be a Gem... ''[Garnet looks down and picks up a twig]'' :'''Garnet''': Amethyst... give us some privacy! ''[throws it far away]'' :'''Amethyst''': YEAH!! ''[scampers after it]'' :'''Garnet''': Let me tell you something, Mr. Universe. I think you can do it, but it won't work if you dance like Pearl. You have to dance like you. You have to fuse ''your'' way. Get open. Get honest. Invent yourselves together. ''[lowers her shades and winks left of her three eyes]'' That's fusion. :'''Greg''': EYE—think I get it. === ''Chille Tid'' === :'''Steven''': "Sleep is a curse, and yet a curse I need to live"—Steven Universe. ---- :'''Garnet''': Let me show you how it's done. ''(She falls over, stiff as a board)'' :'''Pearl''': That's pretty convincing. ---- :'''Steven''': Lapis! :'''Lapiz Lazuli''': No. I'm ''not'' Lapis anymore. We're Malachite now. === ''[[w:Cry for Help (Steven Universe)|Cry for Help]]'' === :'''Garnet''': It's as I feared. :''[The Communication Hub is glowing and shooting a beam of light towards the sky]'' :'''Pearl''': It looks like Peridot somehow repaired the Communication Hub. Well, at least some of it. :'''Steven''': So... we just gotta wreck it up again, right? (''to Amethyst'') You guys should form Sugilite! :'''Amethyst''': (''smiling a bit'') Yeah... Well, it's up to Garnet, I guess. (''smiling widely, to Garnet'') What do you say? ''[Pearl looks scared in the background]'' Shall we mash it up?... :'''Garnet''': No. :'''Amethyst''': But, don't we need to be huge like last time? :'''Garnet''': Last time was a disaster. Last time we fused, Sugilite went berserk. It's because of her that we can't even warp here anymore. (''takes off her visor'') I can be brash, you can be reckless. And we can both get carried away. So, for the time being, ''[She puts her visor back on and Amethyst's reflection can be seen in them]'' Sugilite is benched. What we need now is to be careful. ''[Steven gasps]'' It's you and me, Pearl. Let's fuse. ''[Pearl looks astonished as she begins to tear up]'' Don't cry, Pearl. ''[Pearl tries to not cry and quivers as she strongly breathes in through her nose, sniffling thickly]'' Come on, let's do this. :'''Pearl''': I'm right behind you. (''sniffling'') :'''Steven''': (''running towards them'') Woo-hoo! Fusion! Fusion! Fusion! Fusion! *sits to the left of Lion* (''Amethyst walks over'') :'''Garnet''': (''gemstones glow'') Ready. :'''Pearl''': (''grunts; stretches'') Hang on, it's been such a long time. ---- :'''Sardonyx''': Gooooood evening, everybody! (''struts over to Lion, Steven, and Amethyst and does a twirl'') This is the lovely Sardonyx! Coming to you ''a-live'' from the soon-to-be-former Communication Hub! How are y'all doin' tonight? :'''Amethyst''': (''sarcastically'') Great... :'''Steven''': (''gasps'') Giant woman! ---- :'''Amethyst''': ''Maybe you're better off with her / I think she's better for you / I forgot how great it felt to be us / Guess I got carried away. / I had to use you to make me feel strong / But I don't care about that now / I see a tower built out of my mistakes / And it all comes crashing down. / Is there something I can doo-oo / Is there something I can doo-oo-oo / Is there something I can doo-oo / Can I make it up to you?'' ---- :'''Amethyst''': Stop! :'''Pearl''': Is something the matter, Amethyst? :'''Amethyst''': You... you shouldn't. :'''Steven''': Pearl, we saw you. :'''Pearl''': (''shocked'') What? :'''Steven''': You need to tell Garnet it was you! :'''Garnet''': I don't understand. :'''Pearl''': I'm sorry. It's just... so much fun being Sardonyx with you. :'''Garnet''': ''[drops Pearl to the ground]'' ''That's'' why I couldn't see us finding Peridot. :'''Pearl''': Wait, let me explain! :'''Garnet''': You've been fixing the hub! :'''Pearl''': It really was Peridot! The first time. :'''Garnet''': You ''tricked'' me! :'''Pearl''': No! No, no, no, no! We just needed a reason to fuse! I just wanted to share a few more victories with you! :'''Garnet''': Those weren't ''victories''! :'''Amethyst''': Wait, Garnet! You know, we're so much weaker than you! Fusing with you is like our one chance to feel... ''stronger''! :'''Garnet''': Don't defend her! Peridot is out there somewhere and Pearl's been distracting us with... ''nothing''! :'''Pearl''': Garnet... :'''Garnet''': ''[angrily points at her]'' That's enough! ''[to Amethyst]'' Amethyst, fuse with me! :'''Amethyst''': But-! :'''Garnet''': (''clenching her fist'') Let's just get this over with. === ''Keystone Motel'' === :'''Steven''': Pearl! Where have you been?! :'''Pearl''': Looking for Peridot… For a few days straight. Steven, I know I might have… disappointed all of you. I know Garnet's very upset with me. But I'm going to prove to her that she can trust me again. ''[Garnet walks in through the front door]'' Oh! Garnet! I was just looking for Peridot! She's bound to be somewhere, right? Any new ideas? ''[Garnet says nothing and walks past her]'' I'm sorry ---- :'''Garnet''': ''[agitated, panting]'' Calm down... I don't feel like forgiving Pearl!... You don't understand, you must... If you're not going to listen, then you can just GO! ''[splits into Ruby and Sapphire]'' :'''Sapphire''': ''[calmly]'' We must move past this, Ruby. :'''Ruby''': ''[furiously]'' She ''lied'' to us so we'd form Sardonyx! She ''tricked'' us! Don't you feel used?! :'''Sapphire''': You're choosing to take it personally. :'''Ruby''': IT'S ''FUSION'', SAPPHIRE! WHAT'S MORE PERSONAL TO US THAN ''FUSION?!'' :'''Sapphire''': I know you're still upset... :'''Ruby''': Oh, so it's just me?! :'''Sapphire''': Of course not. Can't you see I'm completely engulfed with rage? :'''Ruby''': Well, it doesn't feel like it! :'''Sapphire''': The sooner we forgive Pearl, the better it will be for us all. :'''Ruby''': YOU'RE NOT AS ABOVE THIS AS YOU THINK YOU ARE! ---- :'''Sapphire''': ''[about Ruby, while she shakes the table]'' This will pass. She'll eventually just burn herself out. :'''Ruby''': ''[angrily]'' THAT'S WHAT ''YOU'' THINK! '''I AM AN ETERNAL FLAME, BABY!''' ''[flips the table]'' :''[while Greg talks to Steven, arguing with each other simultaneously]'' :'''Ruby''': You don't know me! :'''Sapphire''': How could I possibly not know you? We always fuse! We always fuse, what are you even going on about fusion? :'''Ruby''': Look at you! ''[laughing]'' You don't even know yourself! Ha! :'''Sapphire''': So don't act so ridiculous. :'''Ruby''': ''I'm'' ridiculous?! :'''Sapphire''': Yes, yes. ---- :'''Steven''': I was so happy when Garnet said she wanted to go on this trip with me and Dad! Home's been awful! Here's been awful! I thought you wanted to have a fun time, but everyone's been acting awful too! It... it just came with us! I don't understand! Is it... is it me? :'''Ruby''': ...No! Steven, it's all us! :'''Sapphire''': But we made him feel like it was his fault... I keep looking into the future, when all of this has already been solved, as if it doesn't matter how you feel in the present! ''[starting to cry]'' No wonder you think I don't care...! :'''Ruby''': Sapphire... No, nonononono! This is all my fault, I... I didn't want to look for a solution, I... I just wanted to be mad! You're right! You're always right! I was being stupid! :'''Sapphire''': I don't think you're stupid! :'''Ruby''': I'm... sorry. ''[gently brushes Sapphire's hair aside, revealing her sad eye]'' :'''Sapphire''': You honestly think I'm not upset about what happened? I was just... trying to do the right thing. :'''Ruby''': I know... ''[starts smiling]'' You know what's nice about being split up? :'''Sapphire''': What? :'''Ruby''': I get to look at you... :'''Sapphire''': ''[pushes her off, laughing]'' Be serious! :'''Ruby''': ''[hugs Sapphire]'' There's my Laughy Sapphy! :'''Sapphire''': Shh! You're embarrassing me in front of Steven! ''[cut to Steven, feeling awkward at the scene]'' === ''Historical Friction'' === :'''Steven''': Hey, Pearl! ''[sees a desolate Pearl sitting on the couch, looking at the ceiling]'' Pearl? :'''Pearl''': ''[jumps up]'' Steven! You're back! :'''Steven''': Yeah... ''[sits down]'' Show business is rough. :'''Pearl''': Is there something I can help you with? :'''Steven''': Not unless you can make William Dewey interesting. :'''Pearl''': How do ''you'' know William Dewey? :'''Steven''': I'm gonna be him in this play! But he's totally boring! He's perfect and he never makes mistakes. :'''Pearl''': ''[sigh]'' Wish I could say the same for myself. :'''Steven''': Yeah, but nobody's like that! Everybody gets stuff wrong, and then you have to keep going and it's hard, which is why it's great when you never stop trying! :'''Pearl''': ..When did you get so smart? === ''Friend Ship'' === :''[Steven and the Gems enter a room in the ship. Peridot appears on a projected screen]'' :'''Peridot''': ''[laughs]'' You Gems really are as dull as dirt! :'''Pearl''': You're the dull one if you thing you can fly this wreck! :'''Peridot''': ''[pauses]'' What? Can you speak louder? Some of these communicators are gunked up. :'''Steven''': ''[cleans off a microphone, speaks into it]'' Pearl says ''you're'' the dull one if you think you can fly this wreck! :'''Peridot''': ''[waits for Steven's response to come through] [laughs]'' Fly? I'm not using this vessel to fly. I'm using it to '''''TRAP YOU!''''' ''[a door closes, trapping Steven and the Gems in the room]'' Isn't this nice? No more Crystal Gems running around, messing with my plans, destroying my things. Looks like I've got you just where I want you. How does it feel to be so easily outsmarted, you '''''CLODS?!''''' :'''Pearl''': No... :'''Amethyst''': ''[speaks into the microphone]'' Hey, uh, this is Amethyst. I don't appreciate being called a clod, you clo- :'''Peridot''': Enough talk! Prepare yourselves for annihilation! ''[dramatically hits a button]'' Hiyah! ''[nothing happens, hits it again]'' Hiyah! :''[the room's laser cannons activate and take aim at Steven and the Gems]'' :'''Peridot''': It works! Yes! '''''DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIIIIE!''''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Garnet''': Pearl, stop. That isn't helping. :'''Pearl''': I have to do something. I can't believe I walked us right into Peridot's trap. This is all my… ''[Peridot's hologram disappears as the ground starts to shake]'' fault? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Pearl''': ''[thru screen]'' Garnet… I'm sorry! :'''Amethyst''': Wait a sec! :'''Pearl''': Things weren't supposed to turn out this way... ''[inside, Garnet punches the wall again]'' :'''Garnet''': We'll get outta here somehow. :'''Pearl''': ''[sighs]'' That's not what I mean! I really wanted to catch Peridot to make up for what I did... ''[Garnet withdraws her gauntlets]'' I wanted to prove to you that... that everything could go back to normal... :'''Garnet''': Catching Peridot won't make things go back to normal. ''[thru screen]'' This isn't about Peridot. :'''Amethyst''': Hey... they're actually talking! :'''Steven''': Now they can finally work things out! :''[soon, the gears start to activate and turn and start closing into the trapped two]'' :'''Amethyst''': Not if they get crushed! :''[both Garnet and Pearl push their unflinching sides]'' :'''Pearl''': Please! Tell me! How can I make you forgive me?! :'''Garnet''': You can't! You lied to me! You need to learn that there are consequences to your actions! :'''Pearl''': I'm sorry! I... I couldn't help myself! :'''Garnet''': ''[kicks opposite side of wall next to Pearl]'' I don't want to hear your excuses! :'''Pearl''': But it's true! No matter how hard I try to be strong like you, I'm just a Pearl. I'm useless on my own. ''[cries]'' I need someone to tell me what to do. :''[the walls suddenly stop moving; Both Amethyst and Steven pull her whip on its gears in its place. Garnet and Pearl pause for a beat]'' :'''Pearl''': When we fuse, I can feel what it's like to be you. Confident and secure, and complete. You're perfect. You're the perfect relationship. You're always together, I just... I wanted to be a part of that. :'''Garnet''': You're wrong! I'm not as strong as you think. I fell apart over this. Ruby and Sapphire were in turmoil over how you deceived me. ''[thru screen]'' I came undone. :'''Amethyst''': Whoa, that really happened? :'''Steven''': ''[nods]'' Hm. :'''Garnet''': It's not easy being in control. I have weaknesses too, but I choose not to let them consume me. I struggle to stay strong because I know the impact I have on everyone. Please understand, Pearl. ''[thru screen]'' You have an impact too. ''[inside]'' There are times when I look up to you for strength. You are your ''own'' gem. You control your destiny. Not me, not Rose, not Steven. But you must choose to be strong, so we can move forward. So I can trust you again. :'''Pearl''': I understand. I can't give up anymore! :'''Garnet''': Good. === ''Nightmare Hospital'' === :'''Dr. Maheswaran''': ''[sighs]'' I had a rough day at work and I'm not in the mood for any more surprises. :'''Connie''': Whatsyjf happened at work? :'''Dr. Maheswaran''': There was a really strange case at the hospital today, straight out of a ''nightmare''. ''[beat]'' Oh, don't worry, the rules of doctor-patient confidentiality keep me from sharing the graphic details, but... Hang on a moment. When did we get a coat rack? :'''Connie''': Oh, no... :'''Dr. Maheswaran''': A ''SWORD''?! Connie, where did you get this?! :'''Steven''': I-it's— :'''Connie''': I found it! I just... found it outside and I wanted to show it to Steven. :'''Dr. Maheswaran''': How could you possibly think this is okay?! :'''Connie''': It's— :'''Dr. Maheswaran''': Do you know how many children I see everyday in the hospital who've cut their faces off playing with swords?! :'''Connie''': I— :'''Dr. Maheswaran''': NONE!! Because they all have parents who love them, and who don't let them play around with deadly weapons like some kind of gang member! No playing with swords, under any circumstances! ''[her cell phone rings, answers it]'' This is Dr. Maheswaran. Yes, calm down, Stromberg. Another one? :'''Steven''': ''[to Connie]'' Is she gonna give it back? :'''Dr. Maheswaran''': All right, I'll-I'll be right there. ''[zips sword in duffle bag]'' I have to go to the hospital. I'll have a talk with your father to calculate just how grounded you are. ''[leaves, comes back]'' And we're using the abacus! ''[leaves again]'' :'''Connie''': I ''hate'' that abacus. Steven, I'm so sorry. She took your mother's sword! :'''Steven''': Maybe we can get her to change her mind? :'''Connie''': She never ''ever'' changes her mind. We've got to get that sword back ourselves. <hr width=50%> :'''Connie''': Mom... I'm really sorry about lying to you. It started off as a tiny secret, and then I felt like if I didn't hide it, you wouldn't let me see Steven ever again. :'''Dr. Maheswaran''': Is that how you feel? Are we too controlling? :'''Connie''': ..Maybe. :'''Dr. Maheswaran''': I just wanted to be a good mother. I... I just wanted to protect you. :'''Connie''': I can protect myself now! ''[Dr. Maheswaran pauses for a long beat, sighs]'' :'''Dr. Maheswaran''': Okay. ''[Connie winces]'' We'll... pull back on the rules, and I'll try to keep an open mind about ''[Connie's lenses]'' this, and ''[Lion]'' that, and... him. ''[Steven stays frightened]'' It scares me that you can't talk to me. I need to know what's happening in your life. I... I need to step in when you're in over your head. Would you just promise me you'll stop all this lying? :'''Connie''': ''[beat]'' That's a rule. ''[they embrace each other]'' :'''Dr. Maheswaran''': I love you, honey. :'''Connie''': I love you too, Mom. === ''Sadie's Song'' === :'''Sadie''': Please, Mom. Don't make me do this. :'''Barb''': Make you? You said you wanted to sing. :'''Sadie''': Yeah! I did! I did! I did, I did. Just like I say lots of things like, "Hey, Mom. Swimming looks fun", then bam! Suddenly, I'm anchoring a 400 meter relay for the Beach City Seals. "Hey, Mom. I thought signing up for softball would be nice." 6 birthdays later, I'm still getting nothing but kneepads and batting helmets. "Hey, Mom. I wanna sing at this year's Beachapalooza", and what do I get? THIS! I just thought, for once, I get to do things my way, but you came in and took over everything like you always do. :'''Barb''': I just wanted everyone to know how talented my daughter is. :'''Sadie''': THIS is not your daughter. :'''Barb''': ''[stunned]'' I'm sorry. === ''Catch and Release'' === :'''Steven''': ''[getting padded by Peridot]'' Why are you acting like this?! :'''Peridot''': You smashed me into a limbless cloud, you trapped me in your bubble dungeon, and you called me... ''cute''! ''[Steven evades her punch, face-flat on the floor]'' :'''Steven''': I didn't poof you! I freed you! ''[Peridot turns back]'' :'''Peridot''': Why would you make such a miscalculation? :'''Steven''': Back at the warp pad, what were you trying to say? Why do we need you? What do you know? :'''Peridot''': What do I know? Everything there is to know about the Cluster, you pebble! :'''Steven''': Cluster? Wait, pebble? :'''Peridot''': My mission. The reason why I'm on this sad rock in the first place! I was to check progress on the Cluster! Just in and out, before it hatches. I wasn't supposed to get stuck here! But now it's going to emerge and nothing can stop it, and we'll all be shattered!! :'''Steven''': Okay, okay, wait, slow down. Now, from the top—emerging, hatching, Clusters? :'''Peridot''': You wanna know? :'''Steven''': Yes. :'''Peridot''': You ''really'' wanna know? :'''Steven''': Yes? <hr width=50%/> :'''Peridot''': ''[in bathroom]'' Hmm... Seems I've discovered some sort of archaic... think chamber. Roomy, with a fresh hint of Earth citrus. ''[lifts toilet seat]'' A perfect crossroads for my escape. :'''Amethyst''': ''[fiddling the bathroom doorknob]'' It's locked. :'''Garnet''': Peridot, open the door! ''[flushing sounds are heard]'' :'''Amethyst''': Uh, if you're trying to flush yourself down the toilet, it ''won't'' work. ''[cut to Peridot spinning inside the toilet bowl]'' Trust me, I've tried. :'''Pearl''': How did she get out?! We bubbled her! :'''Amethyst''': Maybe we needed a bigger bubble. :'''Garnet''': My bubbles are fine. :'''Steven''': ''[sweating nervously]'' I did it. :'''Pearl''': ''[shocked]'' Steven, why would you do such a thing?! <hr width=50%/> :'''Garnet''': I'm tired of playing these games. If we can't fight her, fine. We'll talk. Peridot! :'''Peridot''': ''[slips off the sink]'' Whoa! :'''Garnet''': All right, no more fighting. Let's just have a civil conversation. :'''Peridot''': As if I'd negotiate with you, filthy war machine! :'''Garnet''': ''[summons gauntlets]'' Okay, let's kick her butt. :'''Steven''': Wait! :'''Peridot''': Yeah! Destroy me again! ''[hangs on bath curtain pole with a plunger]'' And have fun trying to talk to me when I'm in a ''bubble''! ''[almost slips off]'' :'''Pearl''': I really hate to say it, but unfortunately if she has information, she's more valuable to us like… this. :'''Garnet''': This is going to be tricky. ''[hear knobs turning, water splashing]'' :'''Peridot''': H-h-hot hot hot!! :'''Steven''': You have to turn the knob the other way for cold! ''[later in the kitchen with the Gems]'' Wait, so we're just gonna let her live in my bathroom? :'''Pearl''': Well, yes. What other option do we have? Keep her outside on a leash? === ''When It Rains'' === :'''Garnet''': ''[banging on the bathroom door]'' Open the door, Peridot! If this "Cluster" is putting us in danger, you need to tell us what it is so we can stop it! :'''Peridot''': No! I hate you! I'm not telling you anything about the Cluster! :'''Amethyst''': Oh, come on. Is it like a big, hunk of granola? :'''Peridot''': What's granola? :'''Pearl''': I'm sure it's not granola. Now, Peridot, I'm sure we can reach some sort of agreement. Perhaps a trade is in order? :'''Peridot''': Oh, sure. Why don't you just give me back my leg enhancements and my arm attachments with my screen and my log and all my information. Oh, wait, YOU DESTROYED THEM! So, no, I don't think we can reach some sort of agreement! :'''Steven''': ''[flushing the toilet]'' Okay, Peridot, you can turn around now. ''[exits the bathroom, clears throat]'' Sorry for interrupting your interrogation. :'''Garnet''': Don't worry about it, Steven. :'''Pearl''': I swear, Peridot is gonna crack any second now. :'''Peridot''': I'll ''never'' crack for the likes of you, you… Crystal Clods! ''[laughs]'' :'''Pearl''': ''[angrily]'' Ooh, I got your clods right here, you little…! :'''Garnet''': ''[puts her hand on her shoulder]'' Hold on, Pearl. If she's not gonna be of any help, let's investigate this thing on our own. :'''Steven''': I'll come with you. :'''Garnet''': Sorry, Steven. We're gonna need you to stay here and keep an eye on our…''guest.'' :'''Steven''': Really? :'''Amethyst''': Yeah. Make sure she doesn't try anything. :'''Pearl''': Don't worry. She's harmless without her limb enhancers. :'''Peridot''': I'M NOT HARMLESS! :'''Pearl''': Oh, hush up! <hr width=50%/> :'''Peridot''': These are the early attempts at artificial fusion. :'''Steven''': That's a lot of gem shards. :'''Peridot''': We were growing them here at this very site. But these were just prototypes for the final product, a singular giant artificial fusion, comprised of millions of gem shards…the Cluster. :'''Steven''': Peridot, you're saying there's a giant mutant gem the size of the Earth under us right now? :'''Peridot''': Oh, no. When it forms, it'll be much, much bigger than the Earth. Right now, it lies dormant, incubating in the Earth's core. But when it emerges and takes its physical form, it will destroy the planet. The prototypes are already emerging. The Cluster is next. If we can't get off this planet, we've got to stop the Cluster! I thought it'd be impossible, but now we have a chance. :'''Steven''': What is it? :'''Peridot''': ''[grabs Steven's shoulders and grins malevolently]'' It's you, Steven! ''[she and Steven climb out of the control room]'' Now that you're filled in, we can get to work! :'''Steven''': Uhh, how am I supposed to help? :'''Peridot''': Well, you have all the information that we need about Earth and its erratic behavior. Put that together with my expansive knowledge of the Cluster and we just might be able to stop it! :'''Steven''': No, Peridot, I don't think you get it! Just because I know how clouds work doesn't mean I know how to stop a giant mutant in the center of the earth! Besides, the only reason that I know anything about clouds and rain is because my dad told me. :'''Peridot''': What are you talking about? :'''Steven''': I used to be really scared of thunderstorms, just like you. Then Dad explained how rain and all that stuff works, then I wasn't scared of rain anymore. :'''Peridot''': Well, I'm sure you have other knowledge about how this planet works. :'''Steven''': Sure, but none of it's going to help us. If we want to stop this Cluster thing, we'll need help from the Crystal Gems. :'''Peridot''': I said I don't need them! Let's just warp me back to the bathroom, or whatever you call it, and we'll take care of this. If it looks really bad, then we can just ask this "dad" for help, right? === ''Back to the Barn'' === :'''Peridot''': What is that?! :'''Steven''': ''[speaking with the Cluster puppet]'' It's the Cluster. :'''Peridot''': It does not look like that. But it ''is'' real, and it can activate at any moment! :'''Amethyst''': What a cluster. :'''Garnet''': That abomination must be stopped. :'''Pearl''': But how? We'll need to build some sort of machine to take us to the center of the Earth, it'll have to- :'''Peridot''': ''[swats at Pearl, interrupting her]'' Hey! I wasn't finished speaking! What we ''need'' is to build some sort of machine to take us to the center of the Earth. <hr width=50%/> :'''Pearl''': All right. What we have here in the barn should be adequate enough for us to get started. First, I recommend we organize the component types, and assemble a rough blueprint based off what we have available. Sorry, Steven. It's a lovely drawing, but it won't look like this. ''[Steven stops spinning on the swivel chair, now frowning]'' :'''Peridot''': ''[examines piece of chalk]'' Hmm... Good. Yes, this is adequate. Thank you. You can go now. :'''Pearl''': ..Uh, what? :'''Peridot''': Hm? ''[beat]'' Umm, that will be all? ''[claps to her for a beat, whispers to Steven]'' How do you get her to leave? :'''Pearl''': Excuse me, I am not leaving. :'''Steven''': Yeah! She's gotta stay here to help us build the drill thing, right? :'''Peridot''': ''[laughs]'' No, no, you're confused. A Pearl can't build a thing like this. :'''Steven''': Why not? :'''Peridot''': Because Pearls aren't ''for'' this! They're... for standing around, an-and looking nice, and uh... holding your stuff for you. Right? :'''Pearl''': That's enough! If we're going to work together, you're going to have to listen to me. :'''Peridot''': Listen to you? ''[starts laughing, turns to Steven]'' Did you teach her to talk like this? :'''Steven''': What are you talking about? :'''Peridot''': She's a Pearl. She's a made-to-order servant just like the hundreds of other Pearls being flaunted around back on Homeworld. :'''Steven''': Wait... There's hundreds of Pearls?! :'''Pearl''': ''[nervous]'' Well... yes, but— :'''Peridot''': ''[holding Pearl's sash]'' And she looks like a fancy one, too. ''[Pearl gasps]'' :'''Steven''': Hundreds of Pearls... :'''Peridot''': So, who do you belong to anyway? :'''Pearl''': ''[grabs her sash away from her]'' Nobody!! :'''Peridot''': Then... what are you for? ''[Pearl recoils back]'' Well, you can belong to me for now. Ha! A Peridot with a Pearl? What would they say back home? :'''Pearl''': Now listen here, you tiny twerp! In case you've forgotten, you're on ''our'' turf now! And I didn't fight a thousand-year war for this planet's independence to take orders from the likes of ''you''!! :'''Peridot''': Excuse me? I am a natural technician and a certified Kindergartener. I was made for this! You were made to take orders, not to give them! :'''Steven''': Whoa, whoa, hang on, guys! Now, we can all agree that you are both good at building things, so... can't you just try listening to each other? :'''Both''': <big>'''''NO!!'''''</big> :'''Pearl''': I'm as good at building things as you! Better, even! :'''Peridot''': Hah! Name one thing you can engineer better! Go on! :'''Steven''': ''[whispers]'' Robots. :'''Both''': Hm? :'''Steven''': You should build robots. Giant robots! I see a race. A giant robo-race... with prizes. Giant robo-prizes! :'''Pearl''': You mean like a competition? :'''Steven''': Yeah! To see who's better at building stuff! :'''Peridot''': What are these robots you speak of? :'''Steven''': They're like those funky marble guys you were sending—only bigger, and you can ride them! ''[makes robot noises]'' :'''Peridot''': Hah! Building one of these robots will be easy! :'''Pearl''': Well, I can build one faster! :'''Peridot''': That's what you think! === ''Too Far'' === :'''Peridot''': ''[talking into a recorder]'' Log date 7 11 2. It's the third rotation of the Earth since commencements of a... collaborative approach to stopping the Cluster. :'''Pearl''': I've finished drawing up the blueprints for the drill head. Peridot, if you could come take a look at this? :'''Peridot''': Remind me again why I should listen to you? Oh, right. ''[plays recorder]'' :'''Peridot''': ''[thru recorder] "The Pearl here has developed an aptitude for engineering that I begrudgingly respect. But that doesn't explain the spontaneous singing... crying... singing while crying." [Amethyst laughs]'' :'''Pearl''': ''[to Steven] [annoyed]'' Why did you give her that? :'''Steven''': Well, we did destroy all her stuff. I thought it might help make her feel a little better. :'''Peridot''': ''[thru recorder] "Clod!" [fast-forwards] "Mighty clod!" [fast-forwards] "Running out of ways to say clod."'' :'''Garnet''': All right. I chased away those cows. Now let's get to work. :'''Peridot''': ''[to Garnet] [clears throat]'' Before we begin, would you mind unfusing? It's making me incredibly uncomfortable. :''[beat as Steven, Amethyst and Pearl nervously look to Garnet. The scene then cuts to Garnet leashing Peridot to a fence.] :'''Peridot''': ''[as Garnet walks away]'' What?! What'd I say?! :'''Steven''': Did we really have to do that? :'''Garnet''': Her having free reign of the place made ''me'' incredibly uncomfortable. <hr width=50% /> :''[Steven and Amethyst walk up to a leashed Peridot growling over a microwave]'' :'''Peridot''': I just need some sort of leverage optimizer... :'''Amethyst''': Leverage optimizer? :'''Peridot''': That's what I said. :'''Amethyst''': Ohhh! Ha! You mean you want a screwdriver? ''[laughing]'' :'''Peridot''': Do you have one or not? :'''Steven''': Uh... ''[hands a screwdriver]'' Why don't you just use this one? :'''Peridot''': Because it was outside my radius. :'''Amethyst''': He-hey... Hey, Peridot... ''[points to her nose]'' What do you call this? :'''Peridot''': A scent sponge. :'''Steven''': Huh? ''[Amethyst laughs some more]'' :'''Amethyst''': Okay... ''[opens her eye]'' what's this? :'''Peridot''': Vision sphere. :'''Steven''': Peridot, that's— :'''Amethyst''': Wait, wait, Steven! Peridot... ''[waves her fingers]'' these? :'''Peridot''': ''[getting annoyed]'' Touch stumps. :'''Amethyst''': ''[points to her foot]'' This?! :'''Peridot''': Gravity connectors. :'''Amethyst''': ''This''?! :'''Peridot''': '''THAT'S YOUR BUTT!!!''' ''[Steven and Amethyst laugh out loud]'' :'''Steven''': Oh, man, Peridot, you're killing me! :'''Peridot''': I am not! That would violate our truce agreement! :'''Amethyst''': No, no, no! You're funny! :'''Peridot''': Funny? <hr width=50% /> :'''Peridot''': The strangest thing is, Amethyst... you think you have to listen to them! ''[laughs]'' You are the one they should put you in charge! :'''Amethyst''': Ha! That's your best joke yet. :'''Peridot''': No, really. Pearl is a Pearl. Garnet is a fusion. I don't even know what ''he's'' supposed to be. :'''Steven''': Hey! :'''Peridot''': You're the only Crystal Gem that's actually a Gem! :'''Amethyst''': Uh... ''[laughs nervously]'' What? :'''Peridot''': You outrank everyone on your team. They should be listening to you. You're a strong, singular, fully-functional soldier, despite the fact that you're defective. :'''Amethyst''': ..Defective? :'''Peridot''': Well, sure. You're small. :'''Amethyst''': So? :'''Peridot''': Well, you're not supposed to be! Hold on, wait, wait. Let me guess. ''[points to Amethyst's hole]'' This— ''[runs to hole]'' This is the hole you came out of. Too small, too low, the exit marks look about 500 years newer than every other hole. Hmm... this place must have been empty when you came out. No wonder you have no idea what you're supposed to look like! :'''Steven''': Peridot... ''[Amethyst holds Steven on the shoulder]'' :'''Amethyst''': What was I supposed to look like? :'''Peridot''': Well, you're a quartz. They're huge, loyal soldiers. You should be twice your size. Broad shouldered, intimidating, but you simply stayed in the ground too long. :'''Amethyst''': Are you saying I'm wrong?! :'''Peridot''': ''[laughing]'' Gemetically speaking, yes. When you think about it it's also... ''[snickers]'' funny! ''[Amethyst feels more enraged]'' :'''Steven''': Amethyst? :'''Peridot''': Hey, soldier. Maybe you can help me get this hunk of drill off. :''[Amethyst violently slashes the drill head off of an Injector with her whip]'' :'''Peridot''': See? Look at that! You can do everything a normal quartz can do. Let's head back and shove this thing in Pearl's face! :'''Steven''': Amethyst? Are you okay? :'''Amethyst''': Don't worry about it. <hr width=50% /> :'''Pearl''': ''WE LEAVE FOR ONE SECOND AND EVERYTHING GOES OFF THE RAILS!'' :'''Garnet''': I blame the cows. <hr width=50% /> :'''Peridot''': ''[thru recorder]'' "''Log date 7 11 2. This entire planet is backwards. There hasn't been one instance of correct behavior exhibited by anyone of these Crystal Gems. I have concluded that they are all defective. But I am no better. I failed my mission and I'm now working with the enemy. And I can't even get that right. I have apparently "hurt" Amethyst's "feelings", which was not my intent. If I damaged my standing with the best Gem here, then I've made a serious mistake. I'm still learning. I hope you understand. I want to understand. I'm sorry. [pause] Peridot, Facet 5, end log.''" === ''The Answer'' === :'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Sapphire had been called to Earth by Blue Diamond, specifically to share her vision of the future. :'''Sapphire''': ''[enters her Diamond's palanquin]'' My Diamond, I have arrived. :'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Blue Diamond spoke… :'''Blue Diamond (Garnet)''': Sapphire, tell me what will happen here. :'''Sapphire''': I foresee the rebels attacking the Cloud Arena. Before they are cornered, they will destroy the physical forms of seven gems, including two of my Ruby guards, and myself. Immediately after my form is destroyed, the rebels will be captured. The rebellion ends here. :'''Blue Diamond (Garnet)''': Thank you, Sapphire. :'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Blue Diamond said, relieved. :'''Blue Diamond (Garnet)''': That's all I needed to know. :'''Sapphire''': I look forward to speaking with you again once I reform back on Homeworld. <hr width=50% /> :'''Rose''': ''[off-screen]'' Blue Diamond, leave this planet! This colony will ''not'' be completed! :'''Ruby Guard''': It's the rebels! :'''Various Gems''': Who are you?! Show yourselves! :'''Rose''': ''[floating from above Pearl]'' We… :'''Rose & Pearl''': …are the Crystal Gems! :'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' The attack was right on schedule. <hr width=50% /> :'''Sapphire''': Thank you, Ruby. You did your best. :'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Ruby suddenly realized what Sapphire meant. She'd known that Ruby would fail. Sapphire had accepted it. But Ruby… Ruby could not. :'''Ruby''': ''NO!!'' ''[charges at Sapphire, pushing her out of the way of Pearl's attack, causing them to spin into the air and accidentally fuse into Garnet for the first time]'' <hr width=50% /> :'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' The furious crowd closed in around Ruby and Sapphire. They'd never seen fusion of two different types of gems. :'''Various Gems''': Unbelievable! Disgusting! This is unheard of! :'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Blue Diamond's voice cut through the crowd. :'''Blue Diamond (Garnet)''': The rebels have fled. Sapphire, this is ''not'' the scenario you described. :'''Sapphire''': This is… not what I saw! I don't know what happened, I… :'''Ruby''': No! It was me! :'''Blue Diamond (Garnet)''': Clearly. :'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Said Blue Diamond. :'''Blue Diamond (Garnet)''': How dare you fuse with a member of my court? :'''Ruby''': Forgive me, I… :'''Blue Diamond (Garnet)''': You will be broken for this! <hr width=50% /> :'''Both''': ''Where did we go, what did we do?'' :''I think we made something entirely new'' :''And it wasn't quite me and it wasn't quite you'' :''I think it was someone entirely new.'' :'''Ruby''': ''Oh, um'' :''Well, I just can't stop thinking'' :'''Sapphire''': ''So, um'' :''Did you say I was different?'' :'''Ruby''': ''And you hadn't before'' :'''Sapphire''': ''Of course not'' :''When would I have ever?'' :'''Ruby''': ''I'm so sorry'' :'''Sapphire''': ''No, no, don't be'' :'''Ruby''': ''And now you're here forever!'' :'''Sapphire''': ''What about you?'' :'''Ruby''': ''What about me?'' :'''Sapphire''': ''Well, you're here too'' :''We're here together.'' :''Mm-m-m-m-mm'' :'''Both''': ''Mm-m-m-m-mm, hm-m-m-m-m'' :''Mm-m-m-m-mm'' :''Mm-m-m-m-mm...'' <hr width=50% /> :'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' I was back. I was someone and I didn't know who. But I felt I was getting the hang of my strange new form. ''[beat]'' And then I fell. :'''Past Garnet''': Ahh! ''[tumbling down a hill and crashes in bushes]'' Ouch... ''[a sword is pointed to her face]'' Aahh! Don't hurt her! Don't hurt... me? :''[Pan up to see Pearl as the sword bearer]'' :'''Pearl''': It's you... the fusion. :'''Past Garnet''': We didn't mean to fuse! Well... well, we did this time. We'll unfuse! We-we'll... w-we'll... ''[Rose Quartz comes by]'' :'''Rose''': No, no, please. I'm glad to see you again. :'''Garnet''': And there they were - Rose Quartz, the leader of the rebellion and her terrifying renegade Pearl. :'''Past Garnet''': I don't... upset you? :'''Rose''': Who cares about how I feel? How ''you'' feel is bound to be much more interesting. :'''Past Garnet''': How I feel? I-I feel... uh, lost... and scared... a-and happy. W-Why am I so sure that I'd rather be this than everything I was supposed to be, and that I'd rather do this than everything I was supposed to do? ''[Rose chuckles and smiles]'' :'''Rose''': Welcome to Earth. :'''Past Garnet''': C-Can you tell me?! How was Ruby able to alter fate? Or, why was Sapphire willing to give up everything? W-What am I?! :'''Rose''': No more questions. Don't ''ever'' question this. You already are the answer. :''[Flashback story ends as Garnet concludes]'' :'''Steven''': So…what was it? The answer? :'''Garnet''': ''[whispers]'' Love. :'''Steven''': Wow… I knew it. :'''Garnet''': So did I. === ''Steven's Birthday'' === :''[Steven runs and hides to an edge of the barn; he de-ages into his normal state]'' :'''Steven''': Ohhh, geez! If I can just keep this up for the rest of my life, no one will suspect a thi— :''[he sees wide-eyed Amethyst and Greg staring at Steven for a beat; he drops a piñata stick]'' :'''Amethyst''': What are you doing?! :'''Steven''': ''[stammers]'' U-uh— well, what are ''[ages back]'' you doing? :'''Greg''': What are ''you'' doing to your body?! :'''Amethyst''': Woah, woah, woah... Have you been stretching yourself out all day?! :'''Steven''': No! I was just... slouching. :'''Greg''': Why are you doing this? It... really isn't like you. :'''Steven''': Because, Dad! I can't stay a kid forever! When Connie grows up and becomes president, what is that gonna make me? First Boy?! :'''Amethyst''': Steven, you can't just keep stretching forever. If you hold it too long, you could really hurt yourself. :'''Steven''': Yeah, well, I'm half-human so maybe it works different for me! We'll just have to wait and see, right?! :'''Greg''': ''[sighs]'' Steven... <hr width=50%/> :'''Garnet''': ''[trying to cheer up baby Steven but fails]'' My power means nothing to an infant. <hr width=50%/> :''[Greg, Connie and Amethyst (as a baby car seat for baby Steven) drive up in his van; Connie waves a maraca trying to calm down baby Steven]'' :'''Connie''': How can the Gems not know what to do?! :'''Greg''': You think they know the first thing about raising a baby? That was all me! But I don't get it. Driving always used to calm him down. :'''Connie''': But, how do we change him back?! :'''Greg''': I don't know! Look, Connie, let me take you home. I-I'll call you when this all this gets sorted out. :''[Connie turns to baby Steven babbling and crying]'' :'''Connie''': W-Wait, no! I wanna stay. :'''Greg''': Are you sure? :'''Connie''': Yeah! I just want to be there for Steven. Don't worry, Steven. It doesn't matter to me what age it seems like you are, I wanna hang out with you no matter what. Your dad still has to earn his car wash and the Gems have to do gem stuff, so I'll watch you when they're not around. I can come see you after I'm done training with Pearl, too. Doesn't that sound fun? ''[baby Steven holds onto her finger; coos happily]'' :'''Greg''': Look at that! He finally stopped crying. :'''Connie''': Well, that's a start. ''[Amethyst clears her throat]'' :'''Greg''': What's up, Amethyst? :'''Amethyst''': Baby Steven needs changin'. === ''It Could've Been Great'' === :'''Steven''': ''Life and death and love and birth'' :''And peace and war on the planet Earth'' :''Is there anything that's worth more'' :''Than peace and love on the planet Earth?'' :''Whoahh, come on and sing it with me'' :'''Peridot''': Sing? :'''Steven''': ''The words relate to the key'' :'''Peridot''': Key? :'''Steven''': ''If it's a pattern, if it's a pattern'' :''Then just repeat after me.'' :''Life and death and love and birth'' :'''Peridot''': ''Life and death and love and birth'' :'''Steven''': ''Now using mi-fa-mi-mi-fa-mi-ti-la!'' :'''Both''': ''And peace and war on the planet Earth.'' :'''Steven''': Yes, yes! That's it! :'''Peridot''': That's so easy. :'''Steven''': Yeah, but that's what's fun about it! You should write something, you should write a song. :'''Peridot''': About what? :'''Steven''': Whatever you're thinking. <hr width=25% /> :'''Peridot''': ''I guess we're already here, I guess we already know'' :''We've all got something to fear, we've all got nowhere to go'' :''I think you're all '''insane''', but I guess I am too'' :''Anybody would be if they were stuck on Earth with you.'' :'''Steven''': ''[laughing]'' Yes! ''Life and death and love and birth and'' :'''Amethyst''': ''Life and death and love and birth and'' :'''Pearl''': ''Life and death and love and birth'' :''And peace and war on the planet Earth.'' :'''Garnet''': ''Is there anything that's worth more'' :'''Steven''': ''Is there anything that's worth more'' :'''Peridot''': ''Is there anything that's worth more'' :''Than peace and love on the planet Earth?'' <hr width=50% /> :'''Steven''': Huh? Hey, Peridot, who is this supposed to be? :'''Peridot''': ''[runs up and gasps at the mural]'' It's Blue Diamond! Wait. Are they ''all'' here?! Ah, yes! There she is! :'''Steven''': Who? :''[They run up to the mural of Yellow Diamond]'' :'''Peridot''': Behold, Yellow Diamond! Isn't she magnificent? :'''Steven''': Wow! So, who are the Diamonds anyway? They seem like a big deal. :'''Peridot''': Are you joking me? The Diamonds are the Gem matriarchs! Together, they make up the Great Diamond Authority that governs Homeworld and all the outlying colonies! We live to serve them. ''[Garnet clears her throat and glares down at her in annoyance; nervously chuckles]'' I…I mean, we were all made to serve them, even though some of us don't anymore. <hr width=50% /> :'''Peridot''': This is so incredible! Only the most elite can enter these sanctums. We are literally walking in the footsteps of the Diamonds. :'''Steven''': They must really like stairs. :''[They enter an upstairs room with only a single mysterious object in the middle]'' :'''Steven''': Hey, what's this room? :'''Garnet''': ''[continues walking upstairs]'' It's not what we came for. :'''Amethyst''': Can we hurry it up? This place gives me the creeps. :'''Steven''': ''[as they reach the top of the moon base]'' We really are on the moon. <hr width=50% /> :''[Peridot brings up a hologram of Earth, which starts eroding to a hollowed-out version with a ring system as Steven and the Gems awe in shock]'' :'''Peridot''': Ta-da! A finished Earth colony. Wow, look at this! Eighty-nine Kindergartens, sixty-seven spires, a Galaxy Warp in each facet, efficient use of all available materials. What were you thinking shutting this operation down?! It could've been great! :'''Garnet''': No! You're wrong! :'''Peridot''': What do you mean? It's perfect. Look at it! :'''Pearl''': We ''are'' looking at it. :'''Amethyst''': Yeah, this plan stinks! :'''Garnet''': Completing this colony would have meant the extinction of all life on Earth! :'''Peridot''': But think of the good it would've done! The Gems that would've been made are empire expanded! :'''Pearl''': Rose Quartz believed all life was precious and ''worth'' protecting. :'''Peridot''': Well, if she wanted to protect it, she did a lousy job! There'd be no Cluster if the Earth had stayed a colony! Now there's no colony, and there's gonna be no Earth! So thank you, Rose Quartz, you doomed the planet! :''[Garnet, Pearl and Amethyst stare angrily at Peridot for a beat]'' :'''Steven''': Ohh-hoh-hoh! ''[nervously]'' Is there anything that's worth more than— ''[Garnet picks up Peridot]'' :'''Garnet''': You listen to me now. ''[summons gauntlet]'' You were talking about things that you do ''not'' understand. :'''Steven''': Garnet! Stop, please! It's not worth it. We're done here. Let's just go home. :''[Garnet drops Peridot on the seat and smashes the control panel with her gauntlet and the hologram dissipates; the Gems start leaving soon after. Steven sighs]'' :'''Peridot''': What'd I say? I'm just stating a fact. The rebellion didn't really save Earth, it just delayed the inevitable. :'''Steven''': ''[sighs]'' That's not the way they see it. They've spent thousands of years trying to protect the Earth. I thought maybe you finally understood why. === ''Message Received'' === :'''Peridot''': ''[quickly hides the Diamond Communicator prism she took from the Moon Base behind her back when she sees Steven]'' Oh! Steven. :'''Steven''': Peridot, I need to talk to you. :'''Peridot''': Uh, yeah! Sure. :''[They both enter the truck]'' :'''Peridot''': Why are we in this broken down vehicle? :'''Steven''': I wanted to ask you…about the Diamonds? :'''Peridot''': Oh! I don't know what the others have told you, but there's a reason they're in charge. :'''Steven''': Why's that? :'''Peridot''': They're objectively better than us. Every Gem has their strengths and weaknesses, but not them. They're absolutely totally completely flawless beings! Especially my diamond, Yellow Diamond, the most perfect, the most reasonable, rational, efficient decider ever to exist in the universe! :'''Steven''': You're really loyal to her, aren't you? :'''Peridot''': How could I not be? We might have our little truce, but I'll never forsake the Gem I was made for! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Yellow Pearl''': This is the Yellow Diamond control room. :'''Amethyst''': Is that another Pearl? :'''Steven''': Who is she? :'''Pearl''': Not all Pearls know each other, Steven. :'''Yellow Pearl''': Who authorized you to make this call? :'''Peridot''': No one. But it's an emergency! :'''Yellow Pearl''': That's no excuse to use the direct Diamond communication channel! :'''Yellow Diamond''': Pearl? :'''Yellow Pearl''': Yes, my Diamond? :'''Yellow Diamond''': Why is there someone on the diamond line? :'''Yellow Pearl''': I don't know! I was just about to tell her that… :'''Yellow Diamond''': I'll take it from here. ''[brings the screen up to her eye level, revealing herself]'' :''[The Crystal Gems gasp in shock]'' :'''Amethyst''': Is that… :'''Pearl''': Yellow… :'''Garnet''': Diamond. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Peridot''': Wait! I— I wouldn't have called just to waste your time with a report. :'''Yellow Diamond''': You already have. :'''Peridot''': ''[nervously]'' No, I mean... The reason I called – the ''real'' reason... I believe we should terminate the Cluster. :'''Yellow Diamond''': ...''Why?'' :'''Peridot''': The organic ecosystem creates resources unique to this world. We can't sacrifice all that potential just for one geo-weapon! I'd like to tell you some plans I came up with to utilize the planet without disrupting the local— :'''Yellow Diamond''': I've heard enough! I don't care about potential and resources. :'''Peridot''': What? :'''Yellow Diamond''': I want my Cluster, and I want that planet to ''die''. Just make that happen. :'''Peridot''': ...No! :'''Yellow Pearl''': Huh?! :'''Yellow Diamond''': Are you questioning my authority? :'''Peridot''': I'm questioning your objectivity! My Diamond. :'''Yellow Pearl''': Well! ''[Yellow Diamond stands up]'' :'''Yellow Diamond''': You are out of line. :'''Peridot''': I just think— :'''Yellow Diamond''': I'm not interested in the puny thoughts of a Peridot. :'''Peridot''': But— :'''Yellow Diamond''': You have disrespected this channel and my time with your presence, and you would do well to— :'''Peridot''': But— :'''Yellow Diamond''': ''Shut your mouth!!'' ''[beat]'' You have failed at every stage of this mission! Your only chance to redeem yourself is to obey this simple order: You are to leave the Cluster to grow. It will tear apart the Earth, and I will take immense satisfaction in erasing that hideous rock off of our star maps! ''Is that clear?!'' :'''Peridot''': I won't do it!! I can tell you with certainty that there are things on this planet worth protecting! ''[Steven smiles]'' :'''Yellow Diamond''': What do you know about the Earth?! :'''Peridot''': ''[losing her temper]'' APPARENTLY MORE THAN ''YOU'', YOU... <big>'''''CLOD!'''''</big> ''[Yellow Diamond suddenly becomes incredibly livid at a petrified Peridot]'' Uhh... Peridot out. :''[She terminates communication; Steven and the Gems come out from hiding and happily congratulate Peridot]'' :'''Steven''': That was AMAZING! :'''Peridot''': ''[sweating and looking devastated]'' I can't believe I just did that... :'''Steven''': I was so wrong about being so wrong about you! :'''Peridot''': ''[still sweating and devastated]'' I can't believe I just did that...! :'''Garnet''': You thought you could change her mind. :'''Amethyst''': Yellow D got torn down by the "Peridactyl"! :'''Peridot''': ''[sighs and gives the communicator to Pearl]'' Can one of you take this? :'''Pearl''': Why? :'''Peridot''': Because it can be remotely detonated. :''[The communicator starts to glow red; Steven and the Gems panic while Peridot curls up into a ball on the ground]'' :'''Pearl''': How do we stop it?! :'''Garnet''': Just get rid of it! :'''Pearl''': Err, here, Amethyst! ''[passes it to her]'' :'''Amethyst''': ''WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH IT?!'' :''[She throws it to Steven, who bubbles it; Garnet punches it away into the sky, where it explodes harmlessly]'' :'''Peridot''': ''[still curled up]'' I thought I could reason with her... :'''Amethyst''': ''[grinning]'' Yeah, you ''REALLY'' made her mad. :'''Pearl''': ''[smiling]'' And then you insulted her to her face. :'''Steven''': ''[overjoyed]'' Do you know what this means?! :'''Peridot''': I'm a traitor to my Homeworld. :'''Steven''': ''You're a Crystal Gem!!!'' ''[hugs Peridot]'' :'''Garnet''': ''[smiling]'' Whether you like it or not. :''[Peridot starts groaning loudly as the camera zooms out to the whole of Earth]'' === ''Log Date 7 15 2'' === :'''Peridot''': Log Date 7 15 2. I can't believe I just did that! I disobeyed my orders and went against Yellow Diamond's wishes! I'm a traitorous clod! I never want to think about what I've done again! ''[stops recording, rewinds and plays the recording; laughs madly]'' And I called Yellow Diamond a clod! Right to her face! ''[falls to her knees]'' I called Yellow Diamond a clod. ''Right to her face.'' :'''Steven''': Uh, Peridot? Are you going to be okay? :'''Peridot''': ''[enthusiastically with a deranged smile]'' No! :'''Steven''': It's all going to work out. You're with us now. :'''Peridot''': You don't understand! I'm protecting a planet I was once trying to destroy! I used to follow every order, every rule. Now I'm a traitor. ''[cringes]'' A rebel! ''[eyes turn to stars] '''A CRYSTAL GEMMMMMMMMMMMM....''' ''[snickers]'' :'''Steven''': Well, that tape recorder seems to be helping. :'''Peridot''': '''NO IT'S NOT!''' ''[throws recorder at Garnet, who had just entered]'' It's a chronicle of my descent into madness!!! :'''Garnet''': ''[holding out recorder to Peridot]'' You dropped this. :'''Peridot''': Get it away from me! Give it to Steven. Return madness to its source! <hr width=50%/> :''[Steven presses the rewind button on the tape recorder, rewinding all the way back to the beginning]'' :'''Peridot''': ''[through recorder]'' Log Date 7 11 2. The Steven has given me this Earth machine to replace my communicator log. It looks…extremely primitive. He also said he wanted me to stop calling him, "The Steven." :'''Steven''': It's just "Steven." :'''Peridot''': ''[through recorder]'' I said I'd call him whatever I want. ''[hisses viciously at him; Steven holds up his finger in her face]'' He told me that was rude. :'''Steven''': Rude. :'''Peridot''': ''[through recorder]'' I guess I'll him, "Steven." <hr width=50%/> :'''Peridot''': "Jokes." ''[opens up the joke book; clears throat]'' "Why did the chicken cross the road? The chicken wanted to get to the other side of the road." ''[laughs]'' What's a chicken? <hr width=50%/> :''[Steven installs a TV, inserts a VHS tape in it, and ''Camp Pining Hearts'' begins to start]'' :'''TV Narrator''': ''On the last episode of ''"Camp Pining Hearts"…'' :'''Paulette''': I don't care that you're on the yellow team, Percy. We can make this work! :'''Percy''': It's color war, Paulette. Doesn't that mean anything to you? :''[They lean in closer to kiss]'' :'''Peridot''': What is this strange ritual? :'''Steven''': Uh, that's um… :'''Peridot''': Are they attempting fusion? :'''Steven''': No, well, my dad told me during certain stages in your life-- :'''Peridot''': How could anyone indulge in this baseless drivel?! I'll have no part of it! ''[through recorder]'' ''Hour 78 of ''"Camp Pining Hearts."'' [repeating Percy's line] ''It's the color war, Paulette. Doesn't that mean anything to you?'' :'''Steven''': Uh, you've been here for a few days. Is everything okay? :'''Peridot''': I've just been… watching your previously recorded entertainment. :'''Steven''': Is that the same episode from three days ago? :'''Peridot''': There's more than one? :'''Steven''': Hmm... nah. Oh, you made a picture. ''[reaches a piece of paper before Peridot snatches it]'' :'''Peridot''': Picture?! This isn't just a picture, Steven! It's a complex chart cataloging the compatible characteristics between campers. Somehow, the rejects at Camp Clod fail to recognize the superior pair that is Pierre and Percy. :'''Steven''': Well, that's 'cause Paulette likes Percy. :'''Peridot''': Paulette? Ha! Paulette has ''no'' place in the camp's hierarchy. Now, Pierre-- Pierre is a brute! Pierre laid waste to the three-legged races. Pierre and Percy present the strongest battle formation. They'd destroy the camp! :'''Steven''': You got all this from one episode? :'''Peridot''': It's ''{{w|subtext}}'', Steven. Allow me to explain. ''[cut back to recorder held by Steven]'' ''Well, first of all…'' :'''Steven''': Ugh, I remember this part. ''[fast-forwards recorder as we see Peridot speeding through the entire session; Steven soon falls asleep with Garnet now sitting on the couch]'' :'''Peridot''': And that's why Percy and Pierre are objectively the best for each other! ''[Steven slumps down the floor; Garnet gives a thumbs up; tears up her complex chart, angrily]'' ''GRAHHH!!!'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Peridot''': ''[through recorder]'' Pearl really tries for some reason and I can appreciate that. Amethyst's company is entertaining as well, but the fused one… ''[sees Garnet for a long beat, she gives her a thumbs up]'' …eludes me. <hr width=50%/> :'''Peridot''': Why are you fused all the time?! :'''Garnet''': I'm Percy and Pierre. :'''Peridot''': ''[realizing]'' Ohhhhh! :''[Steven fast-forwards the tape recorder]'' :'''Peridot''': ''[through recorder] Okay, go.'' :'''Garnet''': ''[through recorder] Log Date seven fourteen two.'' :'''Peridot''': ''[through recorder] No, you say it seven one-''four'' two! [groans] Log Date 7 14 2. I have attempted a fusion with the fusion Garnet. I had hoped to gain a better understanding of fusion. Instead, I gained a better understanding of Garnet. :'''Garnet''': ''[through recorder] Wait, keep it on a moment. Steven, you probably shouldn't have listened to Peridot's logs, but I know your curiosity comes from a place of caring. You should give the recorder back to her now. She's going to want to keep it.'' :'''Peridot''': ''[through recorder] Wait, what?'' [[Category:Steven Universe seasons]] gvssguny7ws24xcjtr4kp8fyec5q38n 3153108 3153106 2022-08-10T02:20:15Z 162.197.99.132 /* Log Date 7 15 2 */ wikitext text/x-wiki ---- :'''Seasons:''' [[Steven Universe (season 1)|1]] [[Steven Universe (season 2)|2]] [[Steven Universe (season 3)|3]] [[Steven Universe (season 4)|4]] [[Steven Universe (season 5)|5]] | [[Steven Universe: The Movie|Film]] | [[Steven Universe Future|Future]] | [[Steven Universe|Main]] ---- {{italic title}} The following is a list of quotes from the second season of ''[[Steven Universe]]''. === ''Full Disclosure'' === :'''Greg''': I saw the spaceship starting to leave and then it crashed and I came back and— ''[sees Steven's black eye]'' Ugh, your eye... But you're okay! I guess those jerks were no match for the Crystal Gems! :'''Steven''': No way! They were super strong! :'''Greg''': But you were able to beat them back? :'''Steven''': No, they totally stomped us! This warrior Jasper was super beefy and knocked me unconscious. Then they abducted me onto the ship because they wanted to take me away forever, and then we crashed the ship and I almost died! ''[Greg freaks out]'' :'''Greg''': W-What do they want with you?! :'''Steven''': They think I'm Mom. :'''Greg''': Ar-are more Homeworld Gems gonna come after you?! :'''Steven''': I— uhh... I don't know. Maybe? :'''Greg''': Steven, I'm supportive and very proud of you... and I'll be right back. ''[runs into his van]'' Gotta calm down. Where's my— ''[brings a series of CDs up front]'' Where's my relaxing music CD?! This one? ''[inserts CD; starts blaring loud metal music]'' Wrong one!! Stop!! Eject!! <hr width="50%"> :'''Ronaldo''': Oh! I see... You come up here to brood too! :'''Steven''': Brood? :'''Ronaldo''': Yes, Steven. That's just what people like us do. Suffer quietly, shouldering the knowledge no one else can bear. :'''Steven''': Hm. :'''Ronaldo''': As an aficionado of the weird yourself, you've probably noticed ordinary people fear the cold leaded anchor of the truth. The abyss is no Sunday swan ride. :'''Steven''': I know! My dad flipped out when I told him! :'''Ronaldo''': Sounds typical. But it's a good reminder. This is no easy path we've chosen here. There are... sacrifices. Look at them all down there, Steven. It's our duty to let those simple people live out their simple lives, without ever knowing the burden of being friends with us. :'''Steven''': At least we can be there for each other. :'''Ronaldo''': Is that giant hand from the sky sitting right in the middle of the beach?! I gotta get some of this for my blog! <hr width="50%"> :'''Amethyst''': Aw, come on! :'''Garnet''': No whining. We need to start cleaning up the debris. :'''Pearl''': Garnet's right. People are already coming back into town! :'''Steven''': We've got to keep them off the beach. If any humans got access to Gem technology, ''[shuts blinds]'' they could really hurt themselves. Maybe we should shut them out... for good. :'''Pearl''': You know... we did once have a fence. Let's get a new one—with barbed wire! :'''Amethyst''': This time, let's build a moat. I could be... ''[shapeshifts her head]'' the crocodi-i-ile!! Jazz hands! :'''Garnet''': No. :'''Amethyst''': Why not? :'''Pearl''': You always say you'll be the crocodile, but you never commit! :'''Garnet''': No fence either. :'''Amethyst/Pearl''': Garnet! :'''Garnet''': Steven needs to see his father and his friends. :'''Steven''': No, I don't! I can't keep clinging to the vestiges of my humanity. It's time I got serious. ''[his phone starts ring-toning again]'' Errh! :'''Pearl''': Steven, why is your communication device playing that song? :'''Steven''': It's Connie, trying to call me... but I can't face her anymore. :'''Pearl''': So... you're just going to ignore her forever? :'''Steven''': It's the responsible thing to do. :'''Amethyst''': ''[sees thru blinds]'' It's gonna be hard, 'cause she's coming up the steps right now. :'''Steven''': What?! === ''Open Book'' === === ''Joy Ride'' === :'''Steven''': Family stuff is tricky. :'''Buck, Sour Cream, and Jenny''': Mmhm. :'''Steven''': A few months back, my dad and the Gems grounded me from TV. :'''Buck, Sour Cream, and Jenny''': That's the worst. / Bummer. / No way! :'''Steven''': And then I found out that the Gems are alien rebels and that there are other Gems out in space that want us dead 'cause they think we're traitors. And they tried to take me hostage 'cause they think I'm my mom. And... maybe I kinda am? ''[sighs]'' I wish I could talk to Garnet, Amethyst and Pearl about it, but... I think they kinda blame me for my mom not being around. :''[Buck, Sour Cream and Jenny are in a state of shock for a beat. Jenny turns off the radio]'' :'''Jenny''': That's heavy. :'''Steven''': I guess. <hr width=50%> :'''Garnet''': Steven... you're ungrounded from TV. === ''[[w:Say Uncle (Steven Universe)|Say Uncle]]'' === :'''Steven''': What am I doing wrong? The Gems can all summon ''their'' weapons, why can't I? ''[desperately]'' Isn't there somebody who can help me?! <hr width="50%" /> :'''Steven''': Oh my gosh! Uncle Grandpa! You're really here, I can't believe it! I mean… I literally can't believe it. How is this even possible?! :'''Uncle Grandpa''': Don't worry, bro. None of this is canon. ''[pulls a real cannon out of Belly Bag]'' But this is! ''[launches his head like a cannonball with smoke trails spelling "APRIL FOOLS" and crashes into a ship with Lars and Sadie on it]'' :'''Lars''': Oh, no!! Our ship!! <hr width=50% /> :'''Amethyst''': Steven! :'''Pearl''': What's going on?! Who is this stranger? :'''Steven''': He's not a stranger, he's Uncle Grandpa! :''[Uncle Grandpa honks his nose]'' :'''Amethyst''': "Uncle… Grandpa"? :'''Pearl''': So that would make him Greg's brother… ''and'' father? :'''Garnet''': That would explain a lot. <hr width=50% /> :'''Pizza Steve''': Oh hey, it's just me, Pizza Steve—just the coolest and tastiest Steve who ever lived. :'''Steven''': Hi, Pizza Steve! I'm a Steve too! Steven Universe. :'''Pizza Steve''': ''Stee''-ven Universe... ''[pops out on top of Steven's hair]'' Come on, Uncle G. I've got two rules—no more than 40 or 50 vans, and only '''ONE''' Steve allowed! :'''Uncle Grandpa''': Yeah, but this Steven is special. :'''Mr. Gus''': Yeah. He's a Crystal Gem. :'''Uncle Grandpa''': Good mornin', Mr. Gus. :'''Mr. Gus''': What's up, Uncle Grandpa? :'''Steven''': Whoa, Mr. Gus! How do you know about me? :'''Mr. Gus''': I have a comprehensive knowledge of all magical denizens of the multiverse. I know ''ALL'' about the Crystal Gems. Come on, man, check this out. I even made my own Gemsona. ''[shows art of "Mr. Gusite"]'' My gem is on my tail, and my weapon is a fryin' pan. <hr width=50% /> :''[The Gems run frantically across the plot hole many times, stop for a breather]'' :'''Garnet''': There's got to be some way out of here. :'''Pearl''': ''[extremely panicked]'' WE'LL NEVER ESCAPE!! ''THIS'' IS OUR NEW ''HOME!!'' :'''Garnet''': Pearl, you're overreacting. :'''Pearl''': <big>'''I'M NOT OVERREACTING!!!'''</big> :''[Pearl runs around screaming until she crashes into Amethyst]'' :'''Amethyst''': Hey, where's Steven? ''[Pizza Steve walks in dressed like Steven]'' :'''Pizza Steve''': Lookin' for me, Pizza Steven Universe? ''[Pearl gasps, cowers behind Garnet]'' :'''Pearl''': That's not my baby! :'''Amethyst''': Ah, nice! ''[eyes on Pizza Steve]'' :'''Pizza Steve''': Whoa, hold on! :'''Amethyst''': ''Pizzaaaaaa!!'' ''[chases Pizza Steve offscreen]'' :'''Pizza Steve''': Don't eat Pizza Steve! ''[munching noises]'' :''[Amethyst walks back on, putting on Pizza Steve's sunglasses from out of her mouth]'' :'''Garnet''': Okay, I'm ready for this episode to end. :''[She stomps, causing the plot hole to crack and shatter, leaving them back at the beach]'' <hr width=50% /> :'''Steven''': ''[after finally summoning his shield; to Uncle Grandpa]'' I did it, Uncle Grandpa! I really did it! :'''Uncle Grandpa''': Yay. :'''Pearl''': Protecting HIM activated Steven's powers?! :'''Garnet''': He must really care about this stranger. :'''Amethyst''': I hope he didn't care about that pizza. :'''Steven''': Listen! It was a big, weird surprise when Uncle Grandpa showed up here today. We've never met anyone like Uncle Grandpa, but you can't just attack people you don't understand. You have to stick up for them, and listen to what they have to say. You guys always do that for me. :'''Pearl''': ''[blushing with tears in her eyes, feeling guilty and sorry]'' Steven, you're right. ''[cries]'' HOW CAN I BE SO BLIND?! I'M SORRY! :'''Amethyst''': I also apologize for Pearl. :'''Garnet''': Thank you, you taught us a valuable lesson, Uncle Grandpa. <hr width=50% /> :'''Uncle Grandpa''': Boy, that sure makes my eyes hurt. Now let's see here... ''[grabs a checklist revealing several other Cartoon Network protagonists]'' Dexter, Dee-dee, Blossom, Bubbles, Buttercup, Ed, Edd, Eddy, Billy, Mandy, Mac, Juniper Lee, Swat Kats, Flapjack, Finn, Oh! Steven! ''[checks off Steven's name]'' Now who's next? ''[Clarence's name is shown at the bottom of the list]'' === ''Story for Steven'' === === ''Shirt Club '' === :''[Steven rushes to the Beach House]'' :'''Steven''': Garnet! Amethyst! Pearl! :'''Garnet''': Steven! :'''Pearl''': What is it?! :'''Amethyst''': Whoa, where's the fire? :'''Steven''': It's an emergency! You have to help me take down all the shirts and stop Buck from making more! :'''Pearl''': Have the shirts come to life and and possessed the bodies of their wearers?! :'''Steven''': Uh, no! They just— :'''Amethyst''': Are people catching on fire when they put on the magic shirts? :'''Steven''': No! No, they're just— :'''Pearl''': Are the shirts destroying the wearer's will to continue on in this mortal coil, thereby shutting down Beach City!?! :'''Steven''': ''NOOOOO''!!! They're— they're just... using my art in a way I don't agree with. :'''Pearl''': Oh. ''[all Gems sit down]'' :'''Garnet''': Ah, we'll pass. :'''Steven''': What?! But— but I really need your help! :'''Pearl''': Steven, this sounds like a very abstract problem. :'''Amethyst''': It's not something we can ''punch''! :'''Garnet''': You must learn to help yourself. That's how you become stronger. ''[shades sparkle]'' :'''Amethyst/Pearl''': Good point, good point. / Oh, absolutely. :'''Steven''': But..! :'''Amethyst''': You figure something ''out'', Steven! :'''Pearl''': Yes! Why not dust off those conflict resolution skills? :'''Garnet''': Let your problem be known, then you can work towards an understanding. :'''Steven''': Oh... I'll make them understand. I'll make them all understand... ''[leaves]'' :'''Amethyst''': Eh, he'll be fine. === ''Love Letters'' === :''[Steven and Connie meet Jamie sitting on a log in the beach]'' :'''Steven''': Jamie! :'''Jamie''': Oh, hey, Connie and Steven. You guys come out here to stare at the ocean and think about life too? :'''Connie''': Uhh, no...? We came to, uh— :'''Jamie''': Yeah, life is crazy. One day, you're right here in Beach City delivering mail and then the next thing you know... you're on a bus to Kansas, following your dreams of becoming an actor. "Follow your dreams," they said. But no one said anything about all the rejection and sadness there was to be found. So many auditions day after day... So much rejection day after day... That's why I came back. ''[two seagulls crash into each other and fall into the sea]'' One more rejection would have destroyed my fragile heart. ''[sobs, chuckles]'' Sorry... sometimes I get caught up in the drama zone, you know? :'''Steven''': Yeah, right... Drama zone. :'''Connie''': Oh, by the way, we have something for yo— :'''Steven''': No, we don't! <hr width=50%> :'''Garnet''': I didn't mean to upset you. :'''Jamie''': Then will you go out with me? :'''Garnet''': No! :'''Jamie''': But I've loved you since the moment I saw you. :'''Garnet''': Love at first sight doesn't exist. Love takes time and love takes work. At the very least, you have to know the other person. And you literally have no idea who or what I am. ''[shades glimmer]'' :'''Jamie''': But I bloom for you like— like a... camellia... under moonlight? :'''Garnet''': No, you don't! ''[long beat]'' You make a very convincing lovesick fool. You convinced these children. ''[adjusts her shades]'' You even convinced yourself. ''[smiling]'' You're a fantastic actor. :'''Jamie''': ''[beat]'' ..What am I supposed to do now? :'''Garnet''': Start with local theater. ''[slaps Jamie's back, then walks away. Connie and Steven walk closer to him]'' :'''Connie''': Are you okay? :'''Jamie''': Yeah. That was some pretty solid advice. :'''Steven''': Were those more letters you wrote to Garnet? :'''Jamie''': No. That was the mail I was supposed to deliver on my last route. :'''Steven''': ''[beat]'' We'll help you pick it all up. :'''Jamie''': Thanks. === ''Reformed'' === :'''Garnet''': This is not a good choice for your form. :'''Amethyst''': Lighten up, Garnet. Can't you take a joke? :'''Garnet''': It's not funny. You've made yourself ridiculous. :'''Amethyst''': <big>'''''RIDICULOUS?!?!'''''</big> :'''Garnet''': Keep your voice down! The creature... :'''Amethyst''': Hrrr... You wanted me to be more like Pearl, and now I am!! :'''Garnet''': ''[low voice]'' Pearl would've taken her regeneration seriously! :'''Amethyst''': WHAT DO YOU CARE!?! MY FORM IS '''''MY'' BUSINESS!!''' :'''Garnet''': It's my business when it affects the strength of the team!! :'''Amethyst''': ..So what?! I'm not strong enough?! ''[gets dragged by the Slinker]'' :'''Steven''': Amethyst! :'''Amethyst''': '''ARE YOU SAYING... <big>I'M ''WEAK''</big>?!?!''' ''[poofs again; Steven catches her gemstone]'' :'''Steven''': Is it weird I'm getting numbed to this? === ''[[w:Sworn to the Sword|Sworn to the Sword]]'' === :'''Connie''': ''[fights off seagulls with her violin bow]'' Run back to your masters! Tell them we're not afraid of your kind! :'''Steven''': ''[chuckles]'' Thanks for saving my jam snack. Unfortunately, it's not safe from me. ''[munches it]'' You're such a good sword fighter, Connie. :'''Connie''': Really? I was just swinging this thing around. I don't really know what I'm doing, but I'd love to learn how to use a real sword! :'''Steven''': Oh! ''[gulps snack; starry eyes]'' Steven has an idea! :''[back at the Beach House]'' :'''Pearl''': You want me to do ''what''?! :'''Steven''': You should teach Connie to sword fight, she's already so good! :'''Connie''': Steven! :'''Steven''': But you are! Y-You helped me fight the robot floaty-thing, she took down that evil clone of herself, uh... those mean seagulls just now? :'''Pearl''': You're awfully young to begin something like this. But I suppose I was only a few thousand years old when I began fighting alongside Rose Quartz. ''[Connie raises her hand]'' Yes, Connie? :'''Connie''': Please! I want to learn! I mean, I don't know what'll happen in the future. But if something dangerous comes along... I don't wanna be a burden, I wanna help! I want to be there for Steven to fight by his side! The Earth is my home too. Can't I help protect it? ''[Pearl starts watering tears of joy]'' :'''Pearl''': Oh... okay... If that's how you feel... we should get started! :'''Steven''': Woo-hoo! ''[runs after her laughing]'' :'''Connie''': Wait, now? <hr width=50%> :'''Pearl''': All right, everything begins with your stance. Remember: :''[singing] You do it for him, and you would do it again'' :''You do it for her, that is to say, you'll do it for him.'' :''Keep your stance wide, keep your body lowered'' :''As you're moving forward, balance is the key'' :''Right foot, left foot, now go even faster'' :''And as you're moving backwards, keep your eyes on me.'' :'''Connie''': ''Keep my stance wide'' ("Good.") :''Keep my body lowered'' ("Right.") :''As I'm moving forward'' :'''Pearl''': ''Concentrate! Don't you want him to live?!'' :'''Connie''': ''Right foot, left foot'' :'''Pearl''': ''Yes, but put your whole body into it!'' :''Everything you have, everything you are'' :''You've got to give.'' :''On the battlefield, when everything is chaos'' :''And you have nothing but the way you feel, your strategy and a sword'' :''You just think about the life you'll have together after the war'' :''And then you do it for her, that's how you know you can win'' :''You do it for her, that is to say, you'll do it for him.'' <hr width=25%> :''Deep down, you know you weren't built for fighting'' :''But that doesn't mean you're not prepared to try'' :''What they don't know is your real advantage'' :''When you live for someone, you're prepared to die.'' :'''Connie''': ''Deep down, I know that I'm just a human'' ("True.") :'''Both''': ''But I/you know that I/you can draw my/your sword and fight'' :'''Connie''': ''With my short existence,'' ("Good.") ''I can make a difference'' ("Yes, excellent!") :''I can be there for him, I can be his knight.'' :'''Connie''': ''I can do it for him'' :'''Both''': ''You'd do it for her'' :'''Pearl''': ''Okay, now do that again'' ("Yes, ma'am.") :''You do it for her, and now you say'' :'''Connie''': ''I'll do it for him.'' <hr width=50%> :'''Amethyst''': ''[belly laughs]'' Wow, Garnet! That is the funniest thing I've ever heard! :'''Garnet''': Garnet, master of comedy. :'''Amethyst''': Hehehe... Yo, Steven. ''[pretend-yells]'' '''WHY ARE YOU STANDING THERE ALL SAD LIKE THAT?!?!''' :'''Steven''': W-well... Connie is taking sword fighting lessons from Pearl, but I think it's getting a little too serious. She wants Connie to do all this dangerous stuff for me. :'''Garnet''': That makes sense. :'''Steven''': What do you mean? :'''Garnet''': Back during the war, Pearl took pride in risking her destruction for your mother. She put Rose Quartz over everything — over logic, over consequence, over her own life. :''[Pearl and Rose switch to Connie and Steven, respectively. She charges at the enemy before cutting to Steven's horrified face]'' :'''Amethyst''': You okay, dude? :'''Steven''': I have to do something!! Thanks for telling me that, bye!! === ''Rising Tides, Crashing Skies'' === :'''RonaIdo''': I am now going to attempt to make contact with the mysterious, reclusive, ''[Steven comes out]'' and—ahh! :'''Steven''': Hi, Ronaldo! Uh, hi, Peedee. Is that a camera? :'''Peedee''': Yeah. We're making a movie about— :'''RonaIdo''': It's an investigative report, shot ''[[w:cinéma vérité|camera vérité]]''. :'''Steven''': Cool! :'''RonaIdo''': So... you wanna participate in a groundbreaking interview? :'''Steven''': Hmm. Only if ''you'' participate in a glass of fresh-squeezed lemonade! ''[walks back inside]'' :''[cue Ronaldo and Steven in the Beach House]'' :'''Steven''': Ohh, that giant hand? It was a spaceship coming to get us. :'''RonaIdo''': Us?! I knew it! Steven, we know too much! :'''Steven''': No, not "us" us. I-I meant me and the Crystal Gems. :'''RonaIdo''': Wait. So the hand wasn't here to snatch up humans for a human zoo? Or interfere with our subsidized Beach City wind farm?! Or thaw the cryogenically frozen pets of the one percent!?! :'''Steven''': Uh... no, I'm pretty sure it came to Beach City for me and the Crystal Gems. :'''RonaIdo''': Oh. So, if you and the Crystal Gems weren't here, we wouldn't have been attacked by the giant hand? :'''Steven''': Ohh-hoh-hoh! Definitely not. === ''Keeping It Together'' === :'''Pearl''': Garnet, you don't think Peridot would come looking for us, do you? :'''Garnet''': We weren't her priority. She was sent here to do something in the Kindergarten. :'''Pearl''': Do you think she's still going to try to reactivate it? :'''Garnet''': Mm. If she gets it back up and running, the Injectors will turn back on. :'''Steven''': Injectors? What're those? :'''Pearl''': You've already seen them. ''[projects hologram from her gemstone]'' Well, you've seen them disabled. If Peridot reactivates them, they'll pick right up where they left off, planting gems in the crust of the Earth, where they'll incubate and suck the life right out of the ground. We can't let Peridot restart Gem production here. If we do... ''[sighs]'' the entire planet will become… :'''Garnet''': Janked. :'''Amethyst''': Garnet! ''[laughs]'' That mouth! ''[sniggers]'' :'''Garnet''': Don't worry. We'll stop her. <hr width=50% /> :'''Steven''': We did it! Garnet? :'''Garnet/Ruby'''! So ''this'' is what Homeworld thinks of fusion! :'''Garnet/Sapphire''': We couldn't have known they would do this. :'''Garnet/Ruby''': ''This'' is where they've been…all the ones we couldn't find… they've been here the whole time! :'''Garnet/Sapphire''': Rose couldn't have known. :'''Garnet/Ruby''': This is punishment for the rebellion! :'''Garnet/Sapphire''': ''[breaking down]'' It's not our fault! :'''Steven''': Garnet! :'''Garnet''': S-Steven. :'''Amethyst''': ''[sliding down with Pearl]'' Yo! We're back. :'''Pearl''': Garnet, we lost Peridot. Her fingers were too fast for us. ''[two fused hands climb up on Amethyst and grabs them]'' Um… what are these things? :'''Garnet''': PUT THEM DOWN! :'''Steven''': Uh! :'''Pearl''': Wha...? ''[throws the hands away]'' :'''Garnet''': We need to poof and bubble all of them. We can't let any escape. ''[She poofs the hands as the screen turns black]'' <hr width=50% /> :'''Garnet''': What Homeworld did… taking the shattered parts of fallen Gems and combining them—those Gems weren't asked permission. Fusion is a choice. Those Gems weren't given a choice. It isn't right. It isn't fusion! <hr width=50% /> :''[Steven looks at Garnet as he takes the clothes out the dryer into the basket]'' :'''Steven''': What's it like... being a fusion? :'''Garnet''': You fused. :'''Steven''': I mean, like, all the time. Do you forget who you used to be? :'''Garnet''': You forget you were ever alone. You know when you fuse, you don't feel like two people. You feel like one being. And your old names might as well be names for your left arm, and your right. :'''Steven''': When you split up, is it like you disappear? :'''Garnet''': I embody my— I mean, Ruby and Sapphire's love. I always exist in them, even if I split apart. But the strength of that love keeps me together, so I can stay Garnet for a very long time. :'''Steven''': That's why you're so great! :'''Garnet''': ''[smiles]'' Ha. ''[Steven starts laughing, with a light blue colored sock being blown away]'' :'''Steven''': Oh, no! ''[Garnet catches it]'' :'''Garnet''': Don't wanna break up a pair. :'''Steven''': ''[holds peach colored sock]'' Yeah, you're right. ''[Garnet folds socks into basket]'' They belong together. === ''We Need to Talk'' === :''[Greg re-watches Pearl and Rose's fusion dance, practices and falls down]'' :'''Greg''': Ah, geez! How'd she get her legs to do that? ''[groans]'' :'''Amethyst''': Hey! ''[looks at face-to-face with Garnet]'' Are you dead? :'''Greg''': Wha? Uh, no, no. I'm alive. :'''Amethyst''': Whoa, cool! ''[jumps over Greg, runs to the TV]'' It's us from before! :'''Greg''': Yeah, I was just... trying to get my head around this fusion dance. :'''Amethyst''': A fusion dance ain't about your head! ''[laughs out loud]'' :'''Greg''': Wait... you guys are Gems. You gotta help me out here. I need to be able to fuse with Rose! :'''Garnet''': First, you need a gem at the core of your being. Then you need a body that can turn into light. Then you need the partner who you trust with that light. :'''Greg''': Metaphorically? :'''Garnet''': Literally. :'''Amethyst''': ''[whispers]'' Shh! Come on! I still wanna see him try! :'''Greg''': Ugh, so it's true. I really can't do it. ''[touches his face]'' I'm kidding myself with this! I'm never gonna be a Gem... ''[Garnet looks down and picks up a twig]'' :'''Garnet''': Amethyst... give us some privacy! ''[throws it far away]'' :'''Amethyst''': YEAH!! ''[scampers after it]'' :'''Garnet''': Let me tell you something, Mr. Universe. I think you can do it, but it won't work if you dance like Pearl. You have to dance like you. You have to fuse ''your'' way. Get open. Get honest. Invent yourselves together. ''[lowers her shades and winks left of her three eyes]'' That's fusion. :'''Greg''': EYE—think I get it. === ''Chille Tid'' === :'''Steven''': "Sleep is a curse, and yet a curse I need to live"—Steven Universe. ---- :'''Garnet''': Let me show you how it's done. ''(She falls over, stiff as a board)'' :'''Pearl''': That's pretty convincing. ---- :'''Steven''': Lapis! :'''Lapiz Lazuli''': No. I'm ''not'' Lapis anymore. We're Malachite now. === ''[[w:Cry for Help (Steven Universe)|Cry for Help]]'' === :'''Garnet''': It's as I feared. :''[The Communication Hub is glowing and shooting a beam of light towards the sky]'' :'''Pearl''': It looks like Peridot somehow repaired the Communication Hub. Well, at least some of it. :'''Steven''': So... we just gotta wreck it up again, right? (''to Amethyst'') You guys should form Sugilite! :'''Amethyst''': (''smiling a bit'') Yeah... Well, it's up to Garnet, I guess. (''smiling widely, to Garnet'') What do you say? ''[Pearl looks scared in the background]'' Shall we mash it up?... :'''Garnet''': No. :'''Amethyst''': But, don't we need to be huge like last time? :'''Garnet''': Last time was a disaster. Last time we fused, Sugilite went berserk. It's because of her that we can't even warp here anymore. (''takes off her visor'') I can be brash, you can be reckless. And we can both get carried away. So, for the time being, ''[She puts her visor back on and Amethyst's reflection can be seen in them]'' Sugilite is benched. What we need now is to be careful. ''[Steven gasps]'' It's you and me, Pearl. Let's fuse. ''[Pearl looks astonished as she begins to tear up]'' Don't cry, Pearl. ''[Pearl tries to not cry and quivers as she strongly breathes in through her nose, sniffling thickly]'' Come on, let's do this. :'''Pearl''': I'm right behind you. (''sniffling'') :'''Steven''': (''running towards them'') Woo-hoo! Fusion! Fusion! Fusion! Fusion! *sits to the left of Lion* (''Amethyst walks over'') :'''Garnet''': (''gemstones glow'') Ready. :'''Pearl''': (''grunts; stretches'') Hang on, it's been such a long time. ---- :'''Sardonyx''': Gooooood evening, everybody! (''struts over to Lion, Steven, and Amethyst and does a twirl'') This is the lovely Sardonyx! Coming to you ''a-live'' from the soon-to-be-former Communication Hub! How are y'all doin' tonight? :'''Amethyst''': (''sarcastically'') Great... :'''Steven''': (''gasps'') Giant woman! ---- :'''Amethyst''': ''Maybe you're better off with her / I think she's better for you / I forgot how great it felt to be us / Guess I got carried away. / I had to use you to make me feel strong / But I don't care about that now / I see a tower built out of my mistakes / And it all comes crashing down. / Is there something I can doo-oo / Is there something I can doo-oo-oo / Is there something I can doo-oo / Can I make it up to you?'' ---- :'''Amethyst''': Stop! :'''Pearl''': Is something the matter, Amethyst? :'''Amethyst''': You... you shouldn't. :'''Steven''': Pearl, we saw you. :'''Pearl''': (''shocked'') What? :'''Steven''': You need to tell Garnet it was you! :'''Garnet''': I don't understand. :'''Pearl''': I'm sorry. It's just... so much fun being Sardonyx with you. :'''Garnet''': ''[drops Pearl to the ground]'' ''That's'' why I couldn't see us finding Peridot. :'''Pearl''': Wait, let me explain! :'''Garnet''': You've been fixing the hub! :'''Pearl''': It really was Peridot! The first time. :'''Garnet''': You ''tricked'' me! :'''Pearl''': No! No, no, no, no! We just needed a reason to fuse! I just wanted to share a few more victories with you! :'''Garnet''': Those weren't ''victories''! :'''Amethyst''': Wait, Garnet! You know, we're so much weaker than you! Fusing with you is like our one chance to feel... ''stronger''! :'''Garnet''': Don't defend her! Peridot is out there somewhere and Pearl's been distracting us with... ''nothing''! :'''Pearl''': Garnet... :'''Garnet''': ''[angrily points at her]'' That's enough! ''[to Amethyst]'' Amethyst, fuse with me! :'''Amethyst''': But-! :'''Garnet''': (''clenching her fist'') Let's just get this over with. === ''Keystone Motel'' === :'''Steven''': Pearl! Where have you been?! :'''Pearl''': Looking for Peridot… For a few days straight. Steven, I know I might have… disappointed all of you. I know Garnet's very upset with me. But I'm going to prove to her that she can trust me again. ''[Garnet walks in through the front door]'' Oh! Garnet! I was just looking for Peridot! She's bound to be somewhere, right? Any new ideas? ''[Garnet says nothing and walks past her]'' I'm sorry ---- :'''Garnet''': ''[agitated, panting]'' Calm down... I don't feel like forgiving Pearl!... You don't understand, you must... If you're not going to listen, then you can just GO! ''[splits into Ruby and Sapphire]'' :'''Sapphire''': ''[calmly]'' We must move past this, Ruby. :'''Ruby''': ''[furiously]'' She ''lied'' to us so we'd form Sardonyx! She ''tricked'' us! Don't you feel used?! :'''Sapphire''': You're choosing to take it personally. :'''Ruby''': IT'S ''FUSION'', SAPPHIRE! WHAT'S MORE PERSONAL TO US THAN ''FUSION?!'' :'''Sapphire''': I know you're still upset... :'''Ruby''': Oh, so it's just me?! :'''Sapphire''': Of course not. Can't you see I'm completely engulfed with rage? :'''Ruby''': Well, it doesn't feel like it! :'''Sapphire''': The sooner we forgive Pearl, the better it will be for us all. :'''Ruby''': YOU'RE NOT AS ABOVE THIS AS YOU THINK YOU ARE! ---- :'''Sapphire''': ''[about Ruby, while she shakes the table]'' This will pass. She'll eventually just burn herself out. :'''Ruby''': ''[angrily]'' THAT'S WHAT ''YOU'' THINK! '''I AM AN ETERNAL FLAME, BABY!''' ''[flips the table]'' :''[while Greg talks to Steven, arguing with each other simultaneously]'' :'''Ruby''': You don't know me! :'''Sapphire''': How could I possibly not know you? We always fuse! We always fuse, what are you even going on about fusion? :'''Ruby''': Look at you! ''[laughing]'' You don't even know yourself! Ha! :'''Sapphire''': So don't act so ridiculous. :'''Ruby''': ''I'm'' ridiculous?! :'''Sapphire''': Yes, yes. ---- :'''Steven''': I was so happy when Garnet said she wanted to go on this trip with me and Dad! Home's been awful! Here's been awful! I thought you wanted to have a fun time, but everyone's been acting awful too! It... it just came with us! I don't understand! Is it... is it me? :'''Ruby''': ...No! Steven, it's all us! :'''Sapphire''': But we made him feel like it was his fault... I keep looking into the future, when all of this has already been solved, as if it doesn't matter how you feel in the present! ''[starting to cry]'' No wonder you think I don't care...! :'''Ruby''': Sapphire... No, nonononono! This is all my fault, I... I didn't want to look for a solution, I... I just wanted to be mad! You're right! You're always right! I was being stupid! :'''Sapphire''': I don't think you're stupid! :'''Ruby''': I'm... sorry. ''[gently brushes Sapphire's hair aside, revealing her sad eye]'' :'''Sapphire''': You honestly think I'm not upset about what happened? I was just... trying to do the right thing. :'''Ruby''': I know... ''[starts smiling]'' You know what's nice about being split up? :'''Sapphire''': What? :'''Ruby''': I get to look at you... :'''Sapphire''': ''[pushes her off, laughing]'' Be serious! :'''Ruby''': ''[hugs Sapphire]'' There's my Laughy Sapphy! :'''Sapphire''': Shh! You're embarrassing me in front of Steven! ''[cut to Steven, feeling awkward at the scene]'' === ''Historical Friction'' === :'''Steven''': Hey, Pearl! ''[sees a desolate Pearl sitting on the couch, looking at the ceiling]'' Pearl? :'''Pearl''': ''[jumps up]'' Steven! You're back! :'''Steven''': Yeah... ''[sits down]'' Show business is rough. :'''Pearl''': Is there something I can help you with? :'''Steven''': Not unless you can make William Dewey interesting. :'''Pearl''': How do ''you'' know William Dewey? :'''Steven''': I'm gonna be him in this play! But he's totally boring! He's perfect and he never makes mistakes. :'''Pearl''': ''[sigh]'' Wish I could say the same for myself. :'''Steven''': Yeah, but nobody's like that! Everybody gets stuff wrong, and then you have to keep going and it's hard, which is why it's great when you never stop trying! :'''Pearl''': ..When did you get so smart? === ''Friend Ship'' === :''[Steven and the Gems enter a room in the ship. Peridot appears on a projected screen]'' :'''Peridot''': ''[laughs]'' You Gems really are as dull as dirt! :'''Pearl''': You're the dull one if you thing you can fly this wreck! :'''Peridot''': ''[pauses]'' What? Can you speak louder? Some of these communicators are gunked up. :'''Steven''': ''[cleans off a microphone, speaks into it]'' Pearl says ''you're'' the dull one if you think you can fly this wreck! :'''Peridot''': ''[waits for Steven's response to come through] [laughs]'' Fly? I'm not using this vessel to fly. I'm using it to '''''TRAP YOU!''''' ''[a door closes, trapping Steven and the Gems in the room]'' Isn't this nice? No more Crystal Gems running around, messing with my plans, destroying my things. Looks like I've got you just where I want you. How does it feel to be so easily outsmarted, you '''''CLODS?!''''' :'''Pearl''': No... :'''Amethyst''': ''[speaks into the microphone]'' Hey, uh, this is Amethyst. I don't appreciate being called a clod, you clo- :'''Peridot''': Enough talk! Prepare yourselves for annihilation! ''[dramatically hits a button]'' Hiyah! ''[nothing happens, hits it again]'' Hiyah! :''[the room's laser cannons activate and take aim at Steven and the Gems]'' :'''Peridot''': It works! Yes! '''''DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIIIIE!''''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Garnet''': Pearl, stop. That isn't helping. :'''Pearl''': I have to do something. I can't believe I walked us right into Peridot's trap. This is all my… ''[Peridot's hologram disappears as the ground starts to shake]'' fault? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Pearl''': ''[thru screen]'' Garnet… I'm sorry! :'''Amethyst''': Wait a sec! :'''Pearl''': Things weren't supposed to turn out this way... ''[inside, Garnet punches the wall again]'' :'''Garnet''': We'll get outta here somehow. :'''Pearl''': ''[sighs]'' That's not what I mean! I really wanted to catch Peridot to make up for what I did... ''[Garnet withdraws her gauntlets]'' I wanted to prove to you that... that everything could go back to normal... :'''Garnet''': Catching Peridot won't make things go back to normal. ''[thru screen]'' This isn't about Peridot. :'''Amethyst''': Hey... they're actually talking! :'''Steven''': Now they can finally work things out! :''[soon, the gears start to activate and turn and start closing into the trapped two]'' :'''Amethyst''': Not if they get crushed! :''[both Garnet and Pearl push their unflinching sides]'' :'''Pearl''': Please! Tell me! How can I make you forgive me?! :'''Garnet''': You can't! You lied to me! You need to learn that there are consequences to your actions! :'''Pearl''': I'm sorry! I... I couldn't help myself! :'''Garnet''': ''[kicks opposite side of wall next to Pearl]'' I don't want to hear your excuses! :'''Pearl''': But it's true! No matter how hard I try to be strong like you, I'm just a Pearl. I'm useless on my own. ''[cries]'' I need someone to tell me what to do. :''[the walls suddenly stop moving; Both Amethyst and Steven pull her whip on its gears in its place. Garnet and Pearl pause for a beat]'' :'''Pearl''': When we fuse, I can feel what it's like to be you. Confident and secure, and complete. You're perfect. You're the perfect relationship. You're always together, I just... I wanted to be a part of that. :'''Garnet''': You're wrong! I'm not as strong as you think. I fell apart over this. Ruby and Sapphire were in turmoil over how you deceived me. ''[thru screen]'' I came undone. :'''Amethyst''': Whoa, that really happened? :'''Steven''': ''[nods]'' Hm. :'''Garnet''': It's not easy being in control. I have weaknesses too, but I choose not to let them consume me. I struggle to stay strong because I know the impact I have on everyone. Please understand, Pearl. ''[thru screen]'' You have an impact too. ''[inside]'' There are times when I look up to you for strength. You are your ''own'' gem. You control your destiny. Not me, not Rose, not Steven. But you must choose to be strong, so we can move forward. So I can trust you again. :'''Pearl''': I understand. I can't give up anymore! :'''Garnet''': Good. === ''Nightmare Hospital'' === :'''Dr. Maheswaran''': ''[sighs]'' I had a rough day at work and I'm not in the mood for any more surprises. :'''Connie''': Whatsyjf happened at work? :'''Dr. Maheswaran''': There was a really strange case at the hospital today, straight out of a ''nightmare''. ''[beat]'' Oh, don't worry, the rules of doctor-patient confidentiality keep me from sharing the graphic details, but... Hang on a moment. When did we get a coat rack? :'''Connie''': Oh, no... :'''Dr. Maheswaran''': A ''SWORD''?! Connie, where did you get this?! :'''Steven''': I-it's— :'''Connie''': I found it! I just... found it outside and I wanted to show it to Steven. :'''Dr. Maheswaran''': How could you possibly think this is okay?! :'''Connie''': It's— :'''Dr. Maheswaran''': Do you know how many children I see everyday in the hospital who've cut their faces off playing with swords?! :'''Connie''': I— :'''Dr. Maheswaran''': NONE!! Because they all have parents who love them, and who don't let them play around with deadly weapons like some kind of gang member! No playing with swords, under any circumstances! ''[her cell phone rings, answers it]'' This is Dr. Maheswaran. Yes, calm down, Stromberg. Another one? :'''Steven''': ''[to Connie]'' Is she gonna give it back? :'''Dr. Maheswaran''': All right, I'll-I'll be right there. ''[zips sword in duffle bag]'' I have to go to the hospital. I'll have a talk with your father to calculate just how grounded you are. ''[leaves, comes back]'' And we're using the abacus! ''[leaves again]'' :'''Connie''': I ''hate'' that abacus. Steven, I'm so sorry. She took your mother's sword! :'''Steven''': Maybe we can get her to change her mind? :'''Connie''': She never ''ever'' changes her mind. We've got to get that sword back ourselves. <hr width=50%> :'''Connie''': Mom... I'm really sorry about lying to you. It started off as a tiny secret, and then I felt like if I didn't hide it, you wouldn't let me see Steven ever again. :'''Dr. Maheswaran''': Is that how you feel? Are we too controlling? :'''Connie''': ..Maybe. :'''Dr. Maheswaran''': I just wanted to be a good mother. I... I just wanted to protect you. :'''Connie''': I can protect myself now! ''[Dr. Maheswaran pauses for a long beat, sighs]'' :'''Dr. Maheswaran''': Okay. ''[Connie winces]'' We'll... pull back on the rules, and I'll try to keep an open mind about ''[Connie's lenses]'' this, and ''[Lion]'' that, and... him. ''[Steven stays frightened]'' It scares me that you can't talk to me. I need to know what's happening in your life. I... I need to step in when you're in over your head. Would you just promise me you'll stop all this lying? :'''Connie''': ''[beat]'' That's a rule. ''[they embrace each other]'' :'''Dr. Maheswaran''': I love you, honey. :'''Connie''': I love you too, Mom. === ''Sadie's Song'' === :'''Sadie''': Please, Mom. Don't make me do this. :'''Barb''': Make you? You said you wanted to sing. :'''Sadie''': Yeah! I did! I did! I did, I did. Just like I say lots of things like, "Hey, Mom. Swimming looks fun", then bam! Suddenly, I'm anchoring a 400 meter relay for the Beach City Seals. "Hey, Mom. I thought signing up for softball would be nice." 6 birthdays later, I'm still getting nothing but kneepads and batting helmets. "Hey, Mom. I wanna sing at this year's Beachapalooza", and what do I get? THIS! I just thought, for once, I get to do things my way, but you came in and took over everything like you always do. :'''Barb''': I just wanted everyone to know how talented my daughter is. :'''Sadie''': THIS is not your daughter. :'''Barb''': ''[stunned]'' I'm sorry. === ''Catch and Release'' === :'''Steven''': ''[getting padded by Peridot]'' Why are you acting like this?! :'''Peridot''': You smashed me into a limbless cloud, you trapped me in your bubble dungeon, and you called me... ''cute''! ''[Steven evades her punch, face-flat on the floor]'' :'''Steven''': I didn't poof you! I freed you! ''[Peridot turns back]'' :'''Peridot''': Why would you make such a miscalculation? :'''Steven''': Back at the warp pad, what were you trying to say? Why do we need you? What do you know? :'''Peridot''': What do I know? Everything there is to know about the Cluster, you pebble! :'''Steven''': Cluster? Wait, pebble? :'''Peridot''': My mission. The reason why I'm on this sad rock in the first place! I was to check progress on the Cluster! Just in and out, before it hatches. I wasn't supposed to get stuck here! But now it's going to emerge and nothing can stop it, and we'll all be shattered!! :'''Steven''': Okay, okay, wait, slow down. Now, from the top—emerging, hatching, Clusters? :'''Peridot''': You wanna know? :'''Steven''': Yes. :'''Peridot''': You ''really'' wanna know? :'''Steven''': Yes? <hr width=50%/> :'''Peridot''': ''[in bathroom]'' Hmm... Seems I've discovered some sort of archaic... think chamber. Roomy, with a fresh hint of Earth citrus. ''[lifts toilet seat]'' A perfect crossroads for my escape. :'''Amethyst''': ''[fiddling the bathroom doorknob]'' It's locked. :'''Garnet''': Peridot, open the door! ''[flushing sounds are heard]'' :'''Amethyst''': Uh, if you're trying to flush yourself down the toilet, it ''won't'' work. ''[cut to Peridot spinning inside the toilet bowl]'' Trust me, I've tried. :'''Pearl''': How did she get out?! We bubbled her! :'''Amethyst''': Maybe we needed a bigger bubble. :'''Garnet''': My bubbles are fine. :'''Steven''': ''[sweating nervously]'' I did it. :'''Pearl''': ''[shocked]'' Steven, why would you do such a thing?! <hr width=50%/> :'''Garnet''': I'm tired of playing these games. If we can't fight her, fine. We'll talk. Peridot! :'''Peridot''': ''[slips off the sink]'' Whoa! :'''Garnet''': All right, no more fighting. Let's just have a civil conversation. :'''Peridot''': As if I'd negotiate with you, filthy war machine! :'''Garnet''': ''[summons gauntlets]'' Okay, let's kick her butt. :'''Steven''': Wait! :'''Peridot''': Yeah! Destroy me again! ''[hangs on bath curtain pole with a plunger]'' And have fun trying to talk to me when I'm in a ''bubble''! ''[almost slips off]'' :'''Pearl''': I really hate to say it, but unfortunately if she has information, she's more valuable to us like… this. :'''Garnet''': This is going to be tricky. ''[hear knobs turning, water splashing]'' :'''Peridot''': H-h-hot hot hot!! :'''Steven''': You have to turn the knob the other way for cold! ''[later in the kitchen with the Gems]'' Wait, so we're just gonna let her live in my bathroom? :'''Pearl''': Well, yes. What other option do we have? Keep her outside on a leash? === ''When It Rains'' === :'''Garnet''': ''[banging on the bathroom door]'' Open the door, Peridot! If this "Cluster" is putting us in danger, you need to tell us what it is so we can stop it! :'''Peridot''': No! I hate you! I'm not telling you anything about the Cluster! :'''Amethyst''': Oh, come on. Is it like a big, hunk of granola? :'''Peridot''': What's granola? :'''Pearl''': I'm sure it's not granola. Now, Peridot, I'm sure we can reach some sort of agreement. Perhaps a trade is in order? :'''Peridot''': Oh, sure. Why don't you just give me back my leg enhancements and my arm attachments with my screen and my log and all my information. Oh, wait, YOU DESTROYED THEM! So, no, I don't think we can reach some sort of agreement! :'''Steven''': ''[flushing the toilet]'' Okay, Peridot, you can turn around now. ''[exits the bathroom, clears throat]'' Sorry for interrupting your interrogation. :'''Garnet''': Don't worry about it, Steven. :'''Pearl''': I swear, Peridot is gonna crack any second now. :'''Peridot''': I'll ''never'' crack for the likes of you, you… Crystal Clods! ''[laughs]'' :'''Pearl''': ''[angrily]'' Ooh, I got your clods right here, you little…! :'''Garnet''': ''[puts her hand on her shoulder]'' Hold on, Pearl. If she's not gonna be of any help, let's investigate this thing on our own. :'''Steven''': I'll come with you. :'''Garnet''': Sorry, Steven. We're gonna need you to stay here and keep an eye on our…''guest.'' :'''Steven''': Really? :'''Amethyst''': Yeah. Make sure she doesn't try anything. :'''Pearl''': Don't worry. She's harmless without her limb enhancers. :'''Peridot''': I'M NOT HARMLESS! :'''Pearl''': Oh, hush up! <hr width=50%/> :'''Peridot''': These are the early attempts at artificial fusion. :'''Steven''': That's a lot of gem shards. :'''Peridot''': We were growing them here at this very site. But these were just prototypes for the final product, a singular giant artificial fusion, comprised of millions of gem shards…the Cluster. :'''Steven''': Peridot, you're saying there's a giant mutant gem the size of the Earth under us right now? :'''Peridot''': Oh, no. When it forms, it'll be much, much bigger than the Earth. Right now, it lies dormant, incubating in the Earth's core. But when it emerges and takes its physical form, it will destroy the planet. The prototypes are already emerging. The Cluster is next. If we can't get off this planet, we've got to stop the Cluster! I thought it'd be impossible, but now we have a chance. :'''Steven''': What is it? :'''Peridot''': ''[grabs Steven's shoulders and grins malevolently]'' It's you, Steven! ''[she and Steven climb out of the control room]'' Now that you're filled in, we can get to work! :'''Steven''': Uhh, how am I supposed to help? :'''Peridot''': Well, you have all the information that we need about Earth and its erratic behavior. Put that together with my expansive knowledge of the Cluster and we just might be able to stop it! :'''Steven''': No, Peridot, I don't think you get it! Just because I know how clouds work doesn't mean I know how to stop a giant mutant in the center of the earth! Besides, the only reason that I know anything about clouds and rain is because my dad told me. :'''Peridot''': What are you talking about? :'''Steven''': I used to be really scared of thunderstorms, just like you. Then Dad explained how rain and all that stuff works, then I wasn't scared of rain anymore. :'''Peridot''': Well, I'm sure you have other knowledge about how this planet works. :'''Steven''': Sure, but none of it's going to help us. If we want to stop this Cluster thing, we'll need help from the Crystal Gems. :'''Peridot''': I said I don't need them! Let's just warp me back to the bathroom, or whatever you call it, and we'll take care of this. If it looks really bad, then we can just ask this "dad" for help, right? === ''Back to the Barn'' === :'''Peridot''': What is that?! :'''Steven''': ''[speaking with the Cluster puppet]'' It's the Cluster. :'''Peridot''': It does not look like that. But it ''is'' real, and it can activate at any moment! :'''Amethyst''': What a cluster. :'''Garnet''': That abomination must be stopped. :'''Pearl''': But how? We'll need to build some sort of machine to take us to the center of the Earth, it'll have to- :'''Peridot''': ''[swats at Pearl, interrupting her]'' Hey! I wasn't finished speaking! What we ''need'' is to build some sort of machine to take us to the center of the Earth. <hr width=50%/> :'''Pearl''': All right. What we have here in the barn should be adequate enough for us to get started. First, I recommend we organize the component types, and assemble a rough blueprint based off what we have available. Sorry, Steven. It's a lovely drawing, but it won't look like this. ''[Steven stops spinning on the swivel chair, now frowning]'' :'''Peridot''': ''[examines piece of chalk]'' Hmm... Good. Yes, this is adequate. Thank you. You can go now. :'''Pearl''': ..Uh, what? :'''Peridot''': Hm? ''[beat]'' Umm, that will be all? ''[claps to her for a beat, whispers to Steven]'' How do you get her to leave? :'''Pearl''': Excuse me, I am not leaving. :'''Steven''': Yeah! She's gotta stay here to help us build the drill thing, right? :'''Peridot''': ''[laughs]'' No, no, you're confused. A Pearl can't build a thing like this. :'''Steven''': Why not? :'''Peridot''': Because Pearls aren't ''for'' this! They're... for standing around, an-and looking nice, and uh... holding your stuff for you. Right? :'''Pearl''': That's enough! If we're going to work together, you're going to have to listen to me. :'''Peridot''': Listen to you? ''[starts laughing, turns to Steven]'' Did you teach her to talk like this? :'''Steven''': What are you talking about? :'''Peridot''': She's a Pearl. She's a made-to-order servant just like the hundreds of other Pearls being flaunted around back on Homeworld. :'''Steven''': Wait... There's hundreds of Pearls?! :'''Pearl''': ''[nervous]'' Well... yes, but— :'''Peridot''': ''[holding Pearl's sash]'' And she looks like a fancy one, too. ''[Pearl gasps]'' :'''Steven''': Hundreds of Pearls... :'''Peridot''': So, who do you belong to anyway? :'''Pearl''': ''[grabs her sash away from her]'' Nobody!! :'''Peridot''': Then... what are you for? ''[Pearl recoils back]'' Well, you can belong to me for now. Ha! A Peridot with a Pearl? What would they say back home? :'''Pearl''': Now listen here, you tiny twerp! In case you've forgotten, you're on ''our'' turf now! And I didn't fight a thousand-year war for this planet's independence to take orders from the likes of ''you''!! :'''Peridot''': Excuse me? I am a natural technician and a certified Kindergartener. I was made for this! You were made to take orders, not to give them! :'''Steven''': Whoa, whoa, hang on, guys! Now, we can all agree that you are both good at building things, so... can't you just try listening to each other? :'''Both''': <big>'''''NO!!'''''</big> :'''Pearl''': I'm as good at building things as you! Better, even! :'''Peridot''': Hah! Name one thing you can engineer better! Go on! :'''Steven''': ''[whispers]'' Robots. :'''Both''': Hm? :'''Steven''': You should build robots. Giant robots! I see a race. A giant robo-race... with prizes. Giant robo-prizes! :'''Pearl''': You mean like a competition? :'''Steven''': Yeah! To see who's better at building stuff! :'''Peridot''': What are these robots you speak of? :'''Steven''': They're like those funky marble guys you were sending—only bigger, and you can ride them! ''[makes robot noises]'' :'''Peridot''': Hah! Building one of these robots will be easy! :'''Pearl''': Well, I can build one faster! :'''Peridot''': That's what you think! === ''Too Far'' === :'''Peridot''': ''[talking into a recorder]'' Log date 7 11 2. It's the third rotation of the Earth since commencements of a... collaborative approach to stopping the Cluster. :'''Pearl''': I've finished drawing up the blueprints for the drill head. Peridot, if you could come take a look at this? :'''Peridot''': Remind me again why I should listen to you? Oh, right. ''[plays recorder]'' :'''Peridot''': ''[thru recorder] "The Pearl here has developed an aptitude for engineering that I begrudgingly respect. But that doesn't explain the spontaneous singing... crying... singing while crying." [Amethyst laughs]'' :'''Pearl''': ''[to Steven] [annoyed]'' Why did you give her that? :'''Steven''': Well, we did destroy all her stuff. I thought it might help make her feel a little better. :'''Peridot''': ''[thru recorder] "Clod!" [fast-forwards] "Mighty clod!" [fast-forwards] "Running out of ways to say clod."'' :'''Garnet''': All right. I chased away those cows. Now let's get to work. :'''Peridot''': ''[to Garnet] [clears throat]'' Before we begin, would you mind unfusing? It's making me incredibly uncomfortable. :''[beat as Steven, Amethyst and Pearl nervously look to Garnet. The scene then cuts to Garnet leashing Peridot to a fence.] :'''Peridot''': ''[as Garnet walks away]'' What?! What'd I say?! :'''Steven''': Did we really have to do that? :'''Garnet''': Her having free reign of the place made ''me'' incredibly uncomfortable. <hr width=50% /> :''[Steven and Amethyst walk up to a leashed Peridot growling over a microwave]'' :'''Peridot''': I just need some sort of leverage optimizer... :'''Amethyst''': Leverage optimizer? :'''Peridot''': That's what I said. :'''Amethyst''': Ohhh! Ha! You mean you want a screwdriver? ''[laughing]'' :'''Peridot''': Do you have one or not? :'''Steven''': Uh... ''[hands a screwdriver]'' Why don't you just use this one? :'''Peridot''': Because it was outside my radius. :'''Amethyst''': He-hey... Hey, Peridot... ''[points to her nose]'' What do you call this? :'''Peridot''': A scent sponge. :'''Steven''': Huh? ''[Amethyst laughs some more]'' :'''Amethyst''': Okay... ''[opens her eye]'' what's this? :'''Peridot''': Vision sphere. :'''Steven''': Peridot, that's— :'''Amethyst''': Wait, wait, Steven! Peridot... ''[waves her fingers]'' these? :'''Peridot''': ''[getting annoyed]'' Touch stumps. :'''Amethyst''': ''[points to her foot]'' This?! :'''Peridot''': Gravity connectors. :'''Amethyst''': ''This''?! :'''Peridot''': '''THAT'S YOUR BUTT!!!''' ''[Steven and Amethyst laugh out loud]'' :'''Steven''': Oh, man, Peridot, you're killing me! :'''Peridot''': I am not! That would violate our truce agreement! :'''Amethyst''': No, no, no! You're funny! :'''Peridot''': Funny? <hr width=50% /> :'''Peridot''': The strangest thing is, Amethyst... you think you have to listen to them! ''[laughs]'' You are the one they should put you in charge! :'''Amethyst''': Ha! That's your best joke yet. :'''Peridot''': No, really. Pearl is a Pearl. Garnet is a fusion. I don't even know what ''he's'' supposed to be. :'''Steven''': Hey! :'''Peridot''': You're the only Crystal Gem that's actually a Gem! :'''Amethyst''': Uh... ''[laughs nervously]'' What? :'''Peridot''': You outrank everyone on your team. They should be listening to you. You're a strong, singular, fully-functional soldier, despite the fact that you're defective. :'''Amethyst''': ..Defective? :'''Peridot''': Well, sure. You're small. :'''Amethyst''': So? :'''Peridot''': Well, you're not supposed to be! Hold on, wait, wait. Let me guess. ''[points to Amethyst's hole]'' This— ''[runs to hole]'' This is the hole you came out of. Too small, too low, the exit marks look about 500 years newer than every other hole. Hmm... this place must have been empty when you came out. No wonder you have no idea what you're supposed to look like! :'''Steven''': Peridot... ''[Amethyst holds Steven on the shoulder]'' :'''Amethyst''': What was I supposed to look like? :'''Peridot''': Well, you're a quartz. They're huge, loyal soldiers. You should be twice your size. Broad shouldered, intimidating, but you simply stayed in the ground too long. :'''Amethyst''': Are you saying I'm wrong?! :'''Peridot''': ''[laughing]'' Gemetically speaking, yes. When you think about it it's also... ''[snickers]'' funny! ''[Amethyst feels more enraged]'' :'''Steven''': Amethyst? :'''Peridot''': Hey, soldier. Maybe you can help me get this hunk of drill off. :''[Amethyst violently slashes the drill head off of an Injector with her whip]'' :'''Peridot''': See? Look at that! You can do everything a normal quartz can do. Let's head back and shove this thing in Pearl's face! :'''Steven''': Amethyst? Are you okay? :'''Amethyst''': Don't worry about it. <hr width=50% /> :'''Pearl''': ''WE LEAVE FOR ONE SECOND AND EVERYTHING GOES OFF THE RAILS!'' :'''Garnet''': I blame the cows. <hr width=50% /> :'''Peridot''': ''[thru recorder]'' "''Log date 7 11 2. This entire planet is backwards. There hasn't been one instance of correct behavior exhibited by anyone of these Crystal Gems. I have concluded that they are all defective. But I am no better. I failed my mission and I'm now working with the enemy. And I can't even get that right. I have apparently "hurt" Amethyst's "feelings", which was not my intent. If I damaged my standing with the best Gem here, then I've made a serious mistake. I'm still learning. I hope you understand. I want to understand. I'm sorry. [pause] Peridot, Facet 5, end log.''" === ''The Answer'' === :'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Sapphire had been called to Earth by Blue Diamond, specifically to share her vision of the future. :'''Sapphire''': ''[enters her Diamond's palanquin]'' My Diamond, I have arrived. :'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Blue Diamond spoke… :'''Blue Diamond (Garnet)''': Sapphire, tell me what will happen here. :'''Sapphire''': I foresee the rebels attacking the Cloud Arena. Before they are cornered, they will destroy the physical forms of seven gems, including two of my Ruby guards, and myself. Immediately after my form is destroyed, the rebels will be captured. The rebellion ends here. :'''Blue Diamond (Garnet)''': Thank you, Sapphire. :'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Blue Diamond said, relieved. :'''Blue Diamond (Garnet)''': That's all I needed to know. :'''Sapphire''': I look forward to speaking with you again once I reform back on Homeworld. <hr width=50% /> :'''Rose''': ''[off-screen]'' Blue Diamond, leave this planet! This colony will ''not'' be completed! :'''Ruby Guard''': It's the rebels! :'''Various Gems''': Who are you?! Show yourselves! :'''Rose''': ''[floating from above Pearl]'' We… :'''Rose & Pearl''': …are the Crystal Gems! :'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' The attack was right on schedule. <hr width=50% /> :'''Sapphire''': Thank you, Ruby. You did your best. :'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Ruby suddenly realized what Sapphire meant. She'd known that Ruby would fail. Sapphire had accepted it. But Ruby… Ruby could not. :'''Ruby''': ''NO!!'' ''[charges at Sapphire, pushing her out of the way of Pearl's attack, causing them to spin into the air and accidentally fuse into Garnet for the first time]'' <hr width=50% /> :'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' The furious crowd closed in around Ruby and Sapphire. They'd never seen fusion of two different types of gems. :'''Various Gems''': Unbelievable! Disgusting! This is unheard of! :'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Blue Diamond's voice cut through the crowd. :'''Blue Diamond (Garnet)''': The rebels have fled. Sapphire, this is ''not'' the scenario you described. :'''Sapphire''': This is… not what I saw! I don't know what happened, I… :'''Ruby''': No! It was me! :'''Blue Diamond (Garnet)''': Clearly. :'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' Said Blue Diamond. :'''Blue Diamond (Garnet)''': How dare you fuse with a member of my court? :'''Ruby''': Forgive me, I… :'''Blue Diamond (Garnet)''': You will be broken for this! <hr width=50% /> :'''Both''': ''Where did we go, what did we do?'' :''I think we made something entirely new'' :''And it wasn't quite me and it wasn't quite you'' :''I think it was someone entirely new.'' :'''Ruby''': ''Oh, um'' :''Well, I just can't stop thinking'' :'''Sapphire''': ''So, um'' :''Did you say I was different?'' :'''Ruby''': ''And you hadn't before'' :'''Sapphire''': ''Of course not'' :''When would I have ever?'' :'''Ruby''': ''I'm so sorry'' :'''Sapphire''': ''No, no, don't be'' :'''Ruby''': ''And now you're here forever!'' :'''Sapphire''': ''What about you?'' :'''Ruby''': ''What about me?'' :'''Sapphire''': ''Well, you're here too'' :''We're here together.'' :''Mm-m-m-m-mm'' :'''Both''': ''Mm-m-m-m-mm, hm-m-m-m-m'' :''Mm-m-m-m-mm'' :''Mm-m-m-m-mm...'' <hr width=50% /> :'''Garnet''': ''[narrating]'' I was back. I was someone and I didn't know who. But I felt I was getting the hang of my strange new form. ''[beat]'' And then I fell. :'''Past Garnet''': Ahh! ''[tumbling down a hill and crashes in bushes]'' Ouch... ''[a sword is pointed to her face]'' Aahh! Don't hurt her! Don't hurt... me? :''[Pan up to see Pearl as the sword bearer]'' :'''Pearl''': It's you... the fusion. :'''Past Garnet''': We didn't mean to fuse! Well... well, we did this time. We'll unfuse! We-we'll... w-we'll... ''[Rose Quartz comes by]'' :'''Rose''': No, no, please. I'm glad to see you again. :'''Garnet''': And there they were - Rose Quartz, the leader of the rebellion and her terrifying renegade Pearl. :'''Past Garnet''': I don't... upset you? :'''Rose''': Who cares about how I feel? How ''you'' feel is bound to be much more interesting. :'''Past Garnet''': How I feel? I-I feel... uh, lost... and scared... a-and happy. W-Why am I so sure that I'd rather be this than everything I was supposed to be, and that I'd rather do this than everything I was supposed to do? ''[Rose chuckles and smiles]'' :'''Rose''': Welcome to Earth. :'''Past Garnet''': C-Can you tell me?! How was Ruby able to alter fate? Or, why was Sapphire willing to give up everything? W-What am I?! :'''Rose''': No more questions. Don't ''ever'' question this. You already are the answer. :''[Flashback story ends as Garnet concludes]'' :'''Steven''': So…what was it? The answer? :'''Garnet''': ''[whispers]'' Love. :'''Steven''': Wow… I knew it. :'''Garnet''': So did I. === ''Steven's Birthday'' === :''[Steven runs and hides to an edge of the barn; he de-ages into his normal state]'' :'''Steven''': Ohhh, geez! If I can just keep this up for the rest of my life, no one will suspect a thi— :''[he sees wide-eyed Amethyst and Greg staring at Steven for a beat; he drops a piñata stick]'' :'''Amethyst''': What are you doing?! :'''Steven''': ''[stammers]'' U-uh— well, what are ''[ages back]'' you doing? :'''Greg''': What are ''you'' doing to your body?! :'''Amethyst''': Woah, woah, woah... Have you been stretching yourself out all day?! :'''Steven''': No! I was just... slouching. :'''Greg''': Why are you doing this? It... really isn't like you. :'''Steven''': Because, Dad! I can't stay a kid forever! When Connie grows up and becomes president, what is that gonna make me? First Boy?! :'''Amethyst''': Steven, you can't just keep stretching forever. If you hold it too long, you could really hurt yourself. :'''Steven''': Yeah, well, I'm half-human so maybe it works different for me! We'll just have to wait and see, right?! :'''Greg''': ''[sighs]'' Steven... <hr width=50%/> :'''Garnet''': ''[trying to cheer up baby Steven but fails]'' My power means nothing to an infant. <hr width=50%/> :''[Greg, Connie and Amethyst (as a baby car seat for baby Steven) drive up in his van; Connie waves a maraca trying to calm down baby Steven]'' :'''Connie''': How can the Gems not know what to do?! :'''Greg''': You think they know the first thing about raising a baby? That was all me! But I don't get it. Driving always used to calm him down. :'''Connie''': But, how do we change him back?! :'''Greg''': I don't know! Look, Connie, let me take you home. I-I'll call you when this all this gets sorted out. :''[Connie turns to baby Steven babbling and crying]'' :'''Connie''': W-Wait, no! I wanna stay. :'''Greg''': Are you sure? :'''Connie''': Yeah! I just want to be there for Steven. Don't worry, Steven. It doesn't matter to me what age it seems like you are, I wanna hang out with you no matter what. Your dad still has to earn his car wash and the Gems have to do gem stuff, so I'll watch you when they're not around. I can come see you after I'm done training with Pearl, too. Doesn't that sound fun? ''[baby Steven holds onto her finger; coos happily]'' :'''Greg''': Look at that! He finally stopped crying. :'''Connie''': Well, that's a start. ''[Amethyst clears her throat]'' :'''Greg''': What's up, Amethyst? :'''Amethyst''': Baby Steven needs changin'. === ''It Could've Been Great'' === :'''Steven''': ''Life and death and love and birth'' :''And peace and war on the planet Earth'' :''Is there anything that's worth more'' :''Than peace and love on the planet Earth?'' :''Whoahh, come on and sing it with me'' :'''Peridot''': Sing? :'''Steven''': ''The words relate to the key'' :'''Peridot''': Key? :'''Steven''': ''If it's a pattern, if it's a pattern'' :''Then just repeat after me.'' :''Life and death and love and birth'' :'''Peridot''': ''Life and death and love and birth'' :'''Steven''': ''Now using mi-fa-mi-mi-fa-mi-ti-la!'' :'''Both''': ''And peace and war on the planet Earth.'' :'''Steven''': Yes, yes! That's it! :'''Peridot''': That's so easy. :'''Steven''': Yeah, but that's what's fun about it! You should write something, you should write a song. :'''Peridot''': About what? :'''Steven''': Whatever you're thinking. <hr width=25% /> :'''Peridot''': ''I guess we're already here, I guess we already know'' :''We've all got something to fear, we've all got nowhere to go'' :''I think you're all '''insane''', but I guess I am too'' :''Anybody would be if they were stuck on Earth with you.'' :'''Steven''': ''[laughing]'' Yes! ''Life and death and love and birth and'' :'''Amethyst''': ''Life and death and love and birth and'' :'''Pearl''': ''Life and death and love and birth'' :''And peace and war on the planet Earth.'' :'''Garnet''': ''Is there anything that's worth more'' :'''Steven''': ''Is there anything that's worth more'' :'''Peridot''': ''Is there anything that's worth more'' :''Than peace and love on the planet Earth?'' <hr width=50% /> :'''Steven''': Huh? Hey, Peridot, who is this supposed to be? :'''Peridot''': ''[runs up and gasps at the mural]'' It's Blue Diamond! Wait. Are they ''all'' here?! Ah, yes! There she is! :'''Steven''': Who? :''[They run up to the mural of Yellow Diamond]'' :'''Peridot''': Behold, Yellow Diamond! Isn't she magnificent? :'''Steven''': Wow! So, who are the Diamonds anyway? They seem like a big deal. :'''Peridot''': Are you joking me? The Diamonds are the Gem matriarchs! Together, they make up the Great Diamond Authority that governs Homeworld and all the outlying colonies! We live to serve them. ''[Garnet clears her throat and glares down at her in annoyance; nervously chuckles]'' I…I mean, we were all made to serve them, even though some of us don't anymore. <hr width=50% /> :'''Peridot''': This is so incredible! Only the most elite can enter these sanctums. We are literally walking in the footsteps of the Diamonds. :'''Steven''': They must really like stairs. :''[They enter an upstairs room with only a single mysterious object in the middle]'' :'''Steven''': Hey, what's this room? :'''Garnet''': ''[continues walking upstairs]'' It's not what we came for. :'''Amethyst''': Can we hurry it up? This place gives me the creeps. :'''Steven''': ''[as they reach the top of the moon base]'' We really are on the moon. <hr width=50% /> :''[Peridot brings up a hologram of Earth, which starts eroding to a hollowed-out version with a ring system as Steven and the Gems awe in shock]'' :'''Peridot''': Ta-da! A finished Earth colony. Wow, look at this! Eighty-nine Kindergartens, sixty-seven spires, a Galaxy Warp in each facet, efficient use of all available materials. What were you thinking shutting this operation down?! It could've been great! :'''Garnet''': No! You're wrong! :'''Peridot''': What do you mean? It's perfect. Look at it! :'''Pearl''': We ''are'' looking at it. :'''Amethyst''': Yeah, this plan stinks! :'''Garnet''': Completing this colony would have meant the extinction of all life on Earth! :'''Peridot''': But think of the good it would've done! The Gems that would've been made are empire expanded! :'''Pearl''': Rose Quartz believed all life was precious and ''worth'' protecting. :'''Peridot''': Well, if she wanted to protect it, she did a lousy job! There'd be no Cluster if the Earth had stayed a colony! Now there's no colony, and there's gonna be no Earth! So thank you, Rose Quartz, you doomed the planet! :''[Garnet, Pearl and Amethyst stare angrily at Peridot for a beat]'' :'''Steven''': Ohh-hoh-hoh! ''[nervously]'' Is there anything that's worth more than— ''[Garnet picks up Peridot]'' :'''Garnet''': You listen to me now. ''[summons gauntlet]'' You were talking about things that you do ''not'' understand. :'''Steven''': Garnet! Stop, please! It's not worth it. We're done here. Let's just go home. :''[Garnet drops Peridot on the seat and smashes the control panel with her gauntlet and the hologram dissipates; the Gems start leaving soon after. Steven sighs]'' :'''Peridot''': What'd I say? I'm just stating a fact. The rebellion didn't really save Earth, it just delayed the inevitable. :'''Steven''': ''[sighs]'' That's not the way they see it. They've spent thousands of years trying to protect the Earth. I thought maybe you finally understood why. === ''Message Received'' === :'''Peridot''': ''[quickly hides the Diamond Communicator prism she took from the Moon Base behind her back when she sees Steven]'' Oh! Steven. :'''Steven''': Peridot, I need to talk to you. :'''Peridot''': Uh, yeah! Sure. :''[They both enter the truck]'' :'''Peridot''': Why are we in this broken down vehicle? :'''Steven''': I wanted to ask you…about the Diamonds? :'''Peridot''': Oh! I don't know what the others have told you, but there's a reason they're in charge. :'''Steven''': Why's that? :'''Peridot''': They're objectively better than us. Every Gem has their strengths and weaknesses, but not them. They're absolutely totally completely flawless beings! Especially my diamond, Yellow Diamond, the most perfect, the most reasonable, rational, efficient decider ever to exist in the universe! :'''Steven''': You're really loyal to her, aren't you? :'''Peridot''': How could I not be? We might have our little truce, but I'll never forsake the Gem I was made for! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Yellow Pearl''': This is the Yellow Diamond control room. :'''Amethyst''': Is that another Pearl? :'''Steven''': Who is she? :'''Pearl''': Not all Pearls know each other, Steven. :'''Yellow Pearl''': Who authorized you to make this call? :'''Peridot''': No one. But it's an emergency! :'''Yellow Pearl''': That's no excuse to use the direct Diamond communication channel! :'''Yellow Diamond''': Pearl? :'''Yellow Pearl''': Yes, my Diamond? :'''Yellow Diamond''': Why is there someone on the diamond line? :'''Yellow Pearl''': I don't know! I was just about to tell her that… :'''Yellow Diamond''': I'll take it from here. ''[brings the screen up to her eye level, revealing herself]'' :''[The Crystal Gems gasp in shock]'' :'''Amethyst''': Is that… :'''Pearl''': Yellow… :'''Garnet''': Diamond. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Peridot''': Wait! I— I wouldn't have called just to waste your time with a report. :'''Yellow Diamond''': You already have. :'''Peridot''': ''[nervously]'' No, I mean... The reason I called – the ''real'' reason... I believe we should terminate the Cluster. :'''Yellow Diamond''': ...''Why?'' :'''Peridot''': The organic ecosystem creates resources unique to this world. We can't sacrifice all that potential just for one geo-weapon! I'd like to tell you some plans I came up with to utilize the planet without disrupting the local— :'''Yellow Diamond''': I've heard enough! I don't care about potential and resources. :'''Peridot''': What? :'''Yellow Diamond''': I want my Cluster, and I want that planet to ''die''. Just make that happen. :'''Peridot''': ...No! :'''Yellow Pearl''': Huh?! :'''Yellow Diamond''': Are you questioning my authority? :'''Peridot''': I'm questioning your objectivity! My Diamond. :'''Yellow Pearl''': Well! ''[Yellow Diamond stands up]'' :'''Yellow Diamond''': You are out of line. :'''Peridot''': I just think— :'''Yellow Diamond''': I'm not interested in the puny thoughts of a Peridot. :'''Peridot''': But— :'''Yellow Diamond''': You have disrespected this channel and my time with your presence, and you would do well to— :'''Peridot''': But— :'''Yellow Diamond''': ''Shut your mouth!!'' ''[beat]'' You have failed at every stage of this mission! Your only chance to redeem yourself is to obey this simple order: You are to leave the Cluster to grow. It will tear apart the Earth, and I will take immense satisfaction in erasing that hideous rock off of our star maps! ''Is that clear?!'' :'''Peridot''': I won't do it!! I can tell you with certainty that there are things on this planet worth protecting! ''[Steven smiles]'' :'''Yellow Diamond''': What do you know about the Earth?! :'''Peridot''': ''[losing her temper]'' APPARENTLY MORE THAN ''YOU'', YOU... <big>'''''CLOD!'''''</big> ''[Yellow Diamond suddenly becomes incredibly livid at a petrified Peridot]'' Uhh... Peridot out. :''[She terminates communication; Steven and the Gems come out from hiding and happily congratulate Peridot]'' :'''Steven''': That was AMAZING! :'''Peridot''': ''[sweating and looking devastated]'' I can't believe I just did that... :'''Steven''': I was so wrong about being so wrong about you! :'''Peridot''': ''[still sweating and devastated]'' I can't believe I just did that...! :'''Garnet''': You thought you could change her mind. :'''Amethyst''': Yellow D got torn down by the "Peridactyl"! :'''Peridot''': ''[sighs and gives the communicator to Pearl]'' Can one of you take this? :'''Pearl''': Why? :'''Peridot''': Because it can be remotely detonated. :''[The communicator starts to glow red; Steven and the Gems panic while Peridot curls up into a ball on the ground]'' :'''Pearl''': How do we stop it?! :'''Garnet''': Just get rid of it! :'''Pearl''': Err, here, Amethyst! ''[passes it to her]'' :'''Amethyst''': ''WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH IT?!'' :''[She throws it to Steven, who bubbles it; Garnet punches it away into the sky, where it explodes harmlessly]'' :'''Peridot''': ''[still curled up]'' I thought I could reason with her... :'''Amethyst''': ''[grinning]'' Yeah, you ''REALLY'' made her mad. :'''Pearl''': ''[smiling]'' And then you insulted her to her face. :'''Steven''': ''[overjoyed]'' Do you know what this means?! :'''Peridot''': I'm a traitor to my Homeworld. :'''Steven''': ''You're a Crystal Gem!!!'' ''[hugs Peridot]'' :'''Garnet''': ''[smiling]'' Whether you like it or not. :''[Peridot starts groaning loudly as the camera zooms out to the whole of Earth]'' === ''Log Date 7 15 2'' === :'''Peridot''': Log Date 7 15 2. I can't believe I just did that! I disobeyed my orders and went against Yellow Diamond's wishes! I'm a traitorous clod! I never want to think about what I've done again! ''[stops recording, rewinds and plays the recording; laughs madly]'' And I called Yellow Diamond a clod! Right to her face! ''[falls to her knees]'' I called Yellow Diamond a clod. ''Right to her face.'' :'''Steven''': Uh, Peridot? Are you going to be okay? :'''Peridot''': ''[enthusiastically with a deranged smile]'' No! :'''Steven''': It's all going to work out. You're with us now. :'''Peridot''': You don't understand! I'm protecting a planet I was once trying to destroy! I used to follow every order, every rule. Now I'm a traitor. ''[cringes]'' A rebel! ''[eyes turn to stars] '''A CRYSTAL GEMMMMMMMMMMMM....''' ''[snickers]'' :'''Steven''': Well, that tape recorder seems to be helping. :'''Peridot''': '''NO IT'S NOT!''' ''[throws recorder at Garnet, who had just entered]'' It's a chronicle of my descent into madness!!! :'''Garnet''': ''[holding out recorder to Peridot]'' You dropped this. :'''Peridot''': Get it away from me! Give it to Steven. Return madness to its source! <hr width=50%/> :''[Steven presses the rewind button on the tape recorder, rewinding all the way back to the beginning]'' :'''Peridot''': ''[through recorder]'' Log Date 7 11 2. The Steven has given me this Earth machine to replace my communicator log. It looks…extremely primitive. He also said he wanted me to stop calling him, "The Steven." :'''Steven''': It's just "Steven." :'''Peridot''': ''[through recorder]'' I said I'd call him whatever I want. ''[hisses at him; Steven holds up his finger in her face]'' He told me that was rude. :'''Steven''': Rude. :'''Peridot''': ''[through recorder]'' I guess I'll him, "Steven." <hr width=50%/> :'''Peridot''': "Jokes." ''[opens up the joke book; clears throat]'' "Why did the chicken cross the road? The chicken wanted to get to the other side of the road." ''[laughs]'' What's a chicken? <hr width=50%/> :''[Steven installs a TV, inserts a VHS tape in it, and ''Camp Pining Hearts'' begins to start]'' :'''TV Narrator''': ''On the last episode of ''"Camp Pining Hearts"…'' :'''Paulette''': I don't care that you're on the yellow team, Percy. We can make this work! :'''Percy''': It's color war, Paulette. Doesn't that mean anything to you? :''[They lean in closer to kiss]'' :'''Peridot''': What is this strange ritual? :'''Steven''': Uh, that's um… :'''Peridot''': Are they attempting fusion? :'''Steven''': No, well, my dad told me during certain stages in your life-- :'''Peridot''': How could anyone indulge in this baseless drivel?! I'll have no part of it! ''[through recorder]'' ''Hour 78 of ''"Camp Pining Hearts."'' [repeating Percy's line] ''It's the color war, Paulette. Doesn't that mean anything to you?'' :'''Steven''': Uh, you've been here for a few days. Is everything okay? :'''Peridot''': I've just been… watching your previously recorded entertainment. :'''Steven''': Is that the same episode from three days ago? :'''Peridot''': There's more than one? :'''Steven''': Hmm... nah. Oh, you made a picture. ''[reaches a piece of paper before Peridot snatches it]'' :'''Peridot''': Picture?! This isn't just a picture, Steven! It's a complex chart cataloging the compatible characteristics between campers. Somehow, the rejects at Camp Clod fail to recognize the superior pair that is Pierre and Percy. :'''Steven''': Well, that's 'cause Paulette likes Percy. :'''Peridot''': Paulette? Ha! Paulette has ''no'' place in the camp's hierarchy. Now, Pierre-- Pierre is a brute! Pierre laid waste to the three-legged races. Pierre and Percy present the strongest battle formation. They'd destroy the camp! :'''Steven''': You got all this from one episode? :'''Peridot''': It's ''{{w|subtext}}'', Steven. Allow me to explain. ''[cut back to recorder held by Steven]'' ''Well, first of all…'' :'''Steven''': Ugh, I remember this part. ''[fast-forwards recorder as we see Peridot speeding through the entire session; Steven soon falls asleep with Garnet now sitting on the couch]'' :'''Peridot''': And that's why Percy and Pierre are objectively the best for each other! ''[Steven slumps down the floor; Garnet gives a thumbs up; tears up her complex chart, angrily]'' ''GRAHHH!!!'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Peridot''': ''[through recorder]'' Pearl really tries for some reason and I can appreciate that. Amethyst's company is entertaining as well, but the fused one… ''[sees Garnet for a long beat, she gives her a thumbs up]'' …eludes me. <hr width=50%/> :'''Peridot''': Why are you fused all the time?! :'''Garnet''': I'm Percy and Pierre. :'''Peridot''': ''[realizing]'' Ohhhhh! :''[Steven fast-forwards the tape recorder]'' :'''Peridot''': ''[through recorder] Okay, go.'' :'''Garnet''': ''[through recorder] Log Date seven fourteen two.'' :'''Peridot''': ''[through recorder] No, you say it seven one-''four'' two! [groans] Log Date 7 14 2. I have attempted a fusion with the fusion Garnet. I had hoped to gain a better understanding of fusion. Instead, I gained a better understanding of Garnet. :'''Garnet''': ''[through recorder] Wait, keep it on a moment. Steven, you probably shouldn't have listened to Peridot's logs, but I know your curiosity comes from a place of caring. You should give the recorder back to her now. She's going to want to keep it.'' :'''Peridot''': ''[through recorder] Wait, what?'' [[Category:Steven Universe seasons]] ftyj43abuh1ddaqsj7d1090mydbsixm 0 195794 3153112 3152128 2022-08-10T02:33:19Z 162.197.99.132 /* Super Watermelon Island */ wikitext text/x-wiki ---- :'''Seasons:''' [[Steven Universe (season 1)|1]] [[Steven Universe (season 2)|2]] [[Steven Universe (season 3)|3]] [[Steven Universe (season 4)|4]] [[Steven Universe (season 5)|5]] | [[Steven Universe: The Movie|Film]] | [[Steven Universe Future|Future]] | [[Steven Universe|Main]] ---- {{italic title}} The following is a list of quotes from the third season of ''[[Steven Universe]]''. ===''Super Watermelon Island''=== :'''Peridot''': Didn't you feel that? :'''Amethyst''': Feel what? :'''Peridot''': The ground shook! This could be the start of the emergence of the Cluster. Stage 1: Slight tremors every quarter hour. Stage 2: Full-scale earthquakes. Stage 3: ''[flips the board that shows a drawn picture of the Earth being destroyed with words that say: '''"CLUSTER EMERGES BYE BYE EARTH"''']'' The Earth is destroyed! We're running out of time! We need to drill, right now! :'''Steven''': No, it's Malachite! :'''Garnet, Amethyst, and Pearl''': Malachite? :'''Peridot''': What? :'''Steven''': I was on mask island. I was in a watermelon Steven. They have a lovely community, but Malachite, she was there! <hr width=50% /> :'''Peridot''': ''[sitting on mattress with Steven]'' So, Lazuli has Jasper trapped in a fusion? You're joking me. :'''Steven''': It's true! But Lapis must be getting tired from fighting Jasper for so long. :'''Peridot''': Just being on a ship with Jasper made me tired. ''[the ground starts trembling, Steven shouts]'' :'''Steven''': Ahh! I gotta help them! But they told me it was too dangerous. :'''Peridot''': Why don't you just disobey them? They rebel. Isn't that like, your guys's thing? :'''Steven''': Ah! You're right! Oh, I know! I'll fall asleep and go into a watermelon Steven again! This way, I can help them and be safe at the same time. ''[chuckles sinisterly, falls asleep]'' :'''Peridot''': Wow. You are a real anarchist. :'''Steven''': No one can tell ''me'' what to do. ''[snores]'' :'''Peridot''': Wait! What do I do now? Don't just leave me here! ''[sighs deeply]'' <hr width=50% /> :'''Malachite''': Give up! ''[breaks free of water chains, sighs]'' I'm impressed. You really held out. :'''Alexandrite''': <big>'''''MALACHITE!!!'''''</big> :'''Malachite''': ''[gasps]'' They're here! ''[starts groaning, snaps out]'' Stop! Pathetic. Don't you see? We've been holding us back for too long, and for what? If we're going to be this thing together, why don't we have some fun? :'''Alexandrite''': '''We don't have to fight!! You're outnumbered.''' ''[Malachite grins, raises two huge water-arms]'' :'''Malachite''': I may be outnumbered, but you're out of your depth. I can't wait to tear you Gems apart! :'''Alexandrite''': <big><big>'''''RAAAAHHH!!!!'''''</big></big> <hr width=50% /> :'''Alexandrite''': Hey! Don't forget about me! ''[pulls Malachite in towards her and punches her; then turns Sugilite's flail into Sardonyx's war-hammer and launches Malachite in the sky; turns the war-hammer into Opal's bow and arrow again]'' You two should spend some time apart. <hr width=50% /> :''[the Gems and watermelon Stevens hold on as strong earthquakes tremble up Mask Island]'' :'''Garnet''': It must be the Cluster! Peridot was right! ''[to a watermelon Steven]'' Steven, it's up to you! The warp was destroyed, we won't make it back in time! Wake up! Get Peridot and start drilling! The Earth needs you, Steven! We'll be fine! You can do this. ''[Pearl and Amethyst join her]'' We believe in you. :''[the crying watermelon Steven nods and closes its eyes as the Gems slowly fade to black]'' :'''Amethyst''': You got this, dude! You know the drill. :'''Pearl''': Be careful, Steven! Watch each other's backs. :'''Garnet''': And Steven... we love you. ===''Gem Drill''=== :'''Peridot''': ''[being shaken next to drill]'' If you're done just lying there, maybe it's about time that we ''STOP THE WORLD FROM ENDING!'' Where are the others?! :'''Steven''': They're stuck on Mask Island! We have to drill without them! :'''Peridot''': Ugh! Am I the only one who understands the meaning of teamwork?! ''[Steven comes up, and she grips his shoulders]'' Okay. Steven, are you ready to drill down into the planet, to depths never before reached by your species, to stop the Cluster before it forms and save your world?! :'''Steven''': I don't know! :'''Peridot''': Don't say that! Say we'll do it together and it's gonna be great! :'''Steven''': We're gonna do it together and it's gonna be great! :'''Peridot''': ''Liar!'' :''[Peridot and Steven then scamper into the drill's cockpit as the ground continues to shake]'' :'''Peridot''': Ready or not, we have a mission. <hr width=50%/> :''[Inside the drill]'' :'''Steven''': All right, bracing for impact! :'''Peridot''': It's actually two more hours to the Cluster. :'''Steven''': Oh. Wish I'd brought some tunes. :''[Looking annoyed, Peridot presses a button, making some quiet music play]'' :'''Steven''': Uh, thanks. ''[short silence; starts to look nervous]'' It's kinda... freaky down here, huh? :'''Peridot''': Why's that? :'''Steven''': It's just dark, and cramped, ''[shuddering]'' and, uh... I can't even... uh, stretch out. ''[they are both disturbed by a brief rumbling]'' How'd you think you were gonna get everyone in here anyway? :'''Peridot''': I don't know. They'd... shrink or something. <hr width=50%/> :''[As it appears that the Cluster will take form and destroy the Earth]'' :'''Peridot''': ''[terrified]'' Steven, I'm sorry I couldn't save you, or the billions of other lifeforms who matter far, far less to me! Do you have any last words?! :'''Steven''': ''[hugging her]'' I love you, Peridot. :'''Peridot''': ''[emotionally]'' Wow... .thanks... ''[hugs him back]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''The Cluster''': Want to stay... But... Can't stop! Going to form! Can't stop! Going to form! Help! Help! Help! <hr width=50%/> :''[After Steven helps the Cluster bubble itself]'' :'''Peridot''': ''[hugging him]'' You did it! :'''Steven''': We did it together. And it was great. :''[The other Gems arrive, with an unconscious Lapis]'' :'''Steven''': Guys! You're back! I-is Lapis okay? :'''Garnet''': She'll be fine. :'''Pearl''': ''[concerned]'' You look happy! Uh, did you destroy the Cluster? :'''Steven''': No, I talked to it. :'''Pearl''': What? :'''Steven''': It doesn't want to destroy the Earth. It just wants company. And it's got it now! It's like a bajillion people! They'll have lots of time to get to know each other, now that they're in a bubble. :'''Pearl''': ''[utterly astonished]'' How on ''Earth'' did you bubble that ''whole thing?!'' :'''Steven''': We had a little help. :''[The Cluster is shown again, still peacefully contained in its bubble]'' ===''Same Old World''=== :'''Lapis''': For a moment, I really felt like things were different... but they're not. No matter where I go, I'm trapped. :'''Steven''': But you're not. You're not underwater. You're not in a mirror. This time, you're free! :'''Lapis''': But I'm still on Earth! :'''Steven''': Yeah, but nothing is still on Earth. Everything's always changing—the leaves, the cities... even Jersey changes. My dad says the rest stops used to be pretty gross, but now they have sushi! This isn't the same world that held you prisoner - not anymore. And I know it doesn't feel like home, but maybe that can change too. I know you can't go back to Homeworld, but if you stay here, it'll be your choice to stay here. :'''Lapis''': It's funny... For all the time I spent on Earth, I barely saw any of it. :'''Steven''': That's not funny. That's super sad. ===''Barn Mates''=== :'''Peridot''': And then I'll say, "Hey, as one refugee to another, it isn't so bad that we can't go back to Homeworld, am I right? Why don't we watch the sun come up and figure out what we're going to do with all this time, eh Lazuli?" And then she'll say, "Yes Peridot, as impressed I was by you on the ship, I am even more impressed with your new compact look and capacity for friendship! I'm so glad we're going to live together!" Peridot, Facet 5. (''ends her log'') Let's begin. :'''Lapis''': ''[amused]'' This isn't gonna work. :'''Peridot''': Wait, what? :'''Lapis''': I really thought I would be living alone here. :'''Steven''': Yeah, but this is even better! Oh here, how about this? I saw this on an episode of a TV show! I didn't see how it ended, but I'm sure it worked out right. We'll divide this place in half, you'll both have your own space. (''takes out a marker from his left pocket and opens the cap; divides the barn into 2 non-equal parts using the marker'') High ceilings, real wood floors, convenient location on the heart of the country. So what do you think, roomies? :'''Peridot''': I like the cut of your gem, Steven Quartz! :'''Lapis''': No. No way! :'''Peridot''': What's the problem? You're the one getting all the good stuff! You've got the propeller and paint cans on your side! You can do tons with those! oooh, actually, I want the paint cans - you wanna trade something? :'''Lapis''': I don't care about paint cans. That's not the problem. :'''Peridot''': Bah... :'''Steven''': What's wrong, Lapis? :'''Lapis''': It's ''her''. :'''Peridot''': Egh?! :'''Lapis''': ''She's'' the problem. I can't stand the thought of looking at her everyday. She's the one who dragged me back to Earth. :'''Peridot''': Hey, it wasn't my idea! I was headed to earth and I needed an informant! It should have been a simple mission. Things didn't exactly work out for either of us. :'''Lapis''': You used me like everyone else did! :'''Peridot''': But it's not like that anymore! It's different now - I'M different! :'''Steven''': It's true, Lapis! Peridot has really come into her own since she's been living on Earth. :'''Peridot''': I sabotaged my own mission! I helped save the Earth, I even yelled at Yellow Diamond! She's probably sending a whole fleet to find me and shatter me right now! I'm kind of a big deal; a big Anti-Homeworld Deal! :'''Lapis''': Steven, I don't think this is gonna work. :'''Steven''': Ahhhh, ummmm, maybe we could put up a curtain? (''Lapis gives him a patient smile, but walks out of the barn and flies to the top of the Silo; to Peridot'') Sorry. Thought this was gonna be okay. I forgot the last time you saw each other.. wasn't, so okay. :'''Peridot''': That was in the ''past''! It's not like that now! UGHHHH! :'''Steven''': I know. :'''Peridot''': But obviously she doesn't! She's the one who needs to know! I want ''her'' to understand! :'''Steven''': Aw Peridot, that's sweet! That's the you you need to show her! :'''Peridot''': ''[confused]'' Show her my ''sweet''? :'''Steven''': I got you. <hr width=50%/> :'''Peridot''': ''[hands Lapis the letter]'' Steven did the outside, and I did the inside. :'''Lapis''': ''[opens the letter with an unimpressed look; reading]'' '''"Sorry I interrogated you. You were just full of such useful information. That's a sincere compliment. Peridot."''' <hr width=50%/> :'''Peridot''': ''[on a rubber ring in a miniature lake]'' H-two-oh my gosh. It's a smaller than an average lake! :'''Steven''': It's from the hole we drilled. Peridot and I sealed it and filled it with water. ''[Lapis pauses for a beat]'' :'''Peridot''': It's a gift for you. You know, 'cause like water's your thing? ''[snickers]'' Pretty good right? The barn's out here in the country, but now you can get your moisture fix whenever. Do all that water stuff you do. :'''Lapis''': ..Water? Seriously? :'''Peridot''': Yeah! :'''Lapis''': You do realize that I spent the last few months trapped under the ocean, right? :'''Peridot''': Sure! But, I thought— :'''Lapis''': It was an endless, crushing darkness. Wet and bleak and suffocating. Water was the tomb I lived in for those months. :'''Peridot''': ''[queasy and terrified]'' Tomb, you say? :'''Lapis''': Yeah. I'm kinda taking a break from water right now. ''[beat]'' But thanks…for the lake. :'''Steven''': ''[grimaces]'' Uhh… :'''Peridot''': Urrgh… :'''Lapis''': Don't worry, Steven. It's not your fault. <hr width=50%/> :'''Peridot''': A pool! What a cloddy idea. Of course she wouldn't like that. There's nothing! Nothing! Nothing! :'''Steven''': There has to be something. Something, something. Maybe, instead of something ''she'' likes, give her something ''you'' like. A piece of you! :'''Peridot''': Um…okay. How about my ''Camp Pining Hearts'' DVD? :'''Steven''': Which season? :'''Peridot''': Five? :'''Steven''': Trash. :'''Peridot''': I know! Ugh! ''[falls onto the ground with her back; speaks into the tape recorder]'' Log Date- whatever. Facet- whatever! WHATEVER! Clearly there's nothing important enough for me to give to Lazuli. At least I have you, tape recorder. <hr width=50%/> :'''Peridot''': Here. I'll unwrap it for you. When I was stuck here, Steven gave me this tape recorder as a gift, and I didn't really get at first, but it made me feel better. Just to talk about all the weird stuff that was happening. It'll help you too. ''[gives the recorder to Lapis]'' You, uh, press the button to record, and then you talk into it. :'''Lapis''': ''[speaks into the tape recorder]'' I don't want your garbage. ''[raises the tape recorder up, crushes it, and drops it onto the ground]'' :'''Peridot''': GUH! What, were you trapped in a tape recorder, too?! ''[Lapis glares enraged at her; frustrated]'' Look, I get it, you know? You're confused. You can never go back to Homeworld. This place doesn't exactly feel like home yet. You're alone! No one could ''possibly'' know what that feels like! Oh, wait, ''I'' do! We're the same! Except… ''[calms down]'' you don't have to be alone. So, tell me, then, what you want from me. And whatever that is… ''[sighs]'' I'll do it. :'''Lapis''': ''[scowling]'' I want you… TO LEAVE! :'''Peridot''': ''[visibly hurt]'' Okay. ''[starts walking away]'' :'''Steven''': Lapis, why are you being so mean to her? She's really trying. :'''Lapis''': Why do you trust her, Steven? :'''Steven''': Because I know her! Lapis, you're not even giving her a chance. You should have at least gotten to know her before you decided you don't like her. Now it's too late. And she's never coming back again. ''[He and Lapis see Peridot running towards them while screaming]'' Oh, she's coming back again. ===''Hit the Diamond''=== :''[Five Rubies have arrived on Earth; Steven and the Gems hide in the barn]'' :'''Steven''': Whoa, look at 'em all. :'''Peridot''': ''[scared]'' I knew it! They're after me! This is the end of the line! :'''Lapis''': You really weren't kidding. :'''Peridot''': I disobeyed a direct order from Yellow Diamond, and I called her a clod…to her face. :'''Pearl''': Oh, honestly, you call ''everyone'' a clod. :'''Peridot''': Yes. But not everyone has command over all the armies of Homeworld waiting for the word to ''shatter me!'' ''[hides under a box]'' :'''Steven''': Peridot! We won't let them get you. ''[lifts the box, revealing Peridot curling up sadly]'' :'''Peridot''': Haven't I caused you enough trouble? :'''Garnet''': Don't worry, Peridot. It's our sworn duty to protect anything that calls this planet home, and that includes clods like you. :'''Peridot''': ''[quietly]'' That's ''my'' word… :'''Garnet''': Listen up, everyone. I have a plan. Or should I say… ''[holds up her hands]'' ''We'' have a plan? ''[giggles as she unfuses, separating into Ruby and Sapphire]'' :'''Sapphire''': Hello, everyone. :'''Pearl & Amethyst''': Ruby! Sapphire! :'''Steven''': ''[runs over and hugs them both]'' Hugs! :'''Sapphire''': Hello, Steven! <hr width=50%/> :''[Disguised as a human baseball team]'' :'''Steven''': We're the humans! Steven! :'''Pearl''': Earl! :'''Amethyst''': Amy! :'''Lapis''': ''[apathetically]'' Bob. :'''Sapphire''': ''[flirtatiously]'' And Sophie... :''[Saspphire's Ruby blushes]'' <hr width=50%/> :''[After a baseball bat is accidentally destroyed, Steven goes to get a replacement from the barn]'' :'''Peridot''': ''[hiding in the barn]'' Hey, how's it going? Are we winning? :'''Steven''': ''[nervously]'' Ummm, heh-heh... :'''Ruby''': ''[standing behind Sapphire, guiding her with a bat]'' Now, what you wanna do is lean with your hips. ''[Sapphire swings the bat]'' Yeah, that's pretty good. Let me show you again. :''["Eyeball" Ruby watches them, then glares at Steven]'' :'''Steven''': ''[sweating]'' Well, heh... We're doing just fine. ''[heading back to the field]'' Everything's going to be A-okay... :'''Peridot''': YOU'RE LYING TO ME! :'''Steven''': To make you feel better! :'''Peridot''': THANK YOU! <hr width=50%/> :''[After Ruby and Sapphire accidentally refuse into Garnet after the baseball game]'' :'''Garnet''': ''[laughs joyously for a moment]'' ... Whoops. :'''"Doc" Ruby''': ''[angrily]'' THEY'RE GEMS! :'''"Army" Ruby''': ''[also angrily]'' WE'VE BEEN TRICKED! :'''"Navy" Ruby''': ''[in quiet awe]'' What a turn of events... :'''"Eyeball" Ruby''': ''[growls]'' :'''"Leggy" Ruby''': ''[confused]'' Huh? W-what? :'''Garnet''': ''[to the other Crystal Gems]'' Sorry, guys. The game is over. :'''"Doc" Ruby''': That's it! Rubies... COMBINE! :''[The five Rubies fuse into a giant Ruby and roar]'' :'''Peridot''': ''WAAAAAAIIIIIIIT!!'' WAIT! STOP! DON'T HURT THEM! ''[rushes out of the barn, trips twice, and runs the rest of the way on all fours, panting]'' Wait, oh please, please! It's ''me'' you're after, right? I'm not gonna stand by and let my friends fight my battles! :'''Steven''': Awww, Peri loves us! :'''Ruby Fusion''': Are you the Peridot assigned to the failed Earth mission? :'''Peridot''': ''[nervously]'' Not sure if "failed" would be the right word to-- :'''Ruby Fusion''': Where is Jasper?! :'''Peridot''': You're looking for... Jasper? :'''Ruby Fusion''': Correct! :'''Peridot''': Wait - but I'm the one who betrayed the mission! Who called Yellow Diamond a clod! The new leader of the Crystal Gems?! :'''Pearl''': What? :'''Ruby Fusion''': Tell us where Jasper is! ''NOW!'' :'''Peridot''': Jasper... umm... we know where Jasper is! ''[Pearl nervously shakes her head]'' :'''Ruby Fusion''': ''WELL?!'' :'''Peridot''': Uhhhhh.... :'''Steven''': ''[pointing to the sky]'' Neptune! She's on the planet Neptune! :'''Ruby Fusion''': ''[stares at them suspiciously for a moment, then smiles and shrugs]'' Well, why didn't you say so? :''[Steven sighs in relief, and the Rubies unfuse]'' :'''"Doc" Ruby''': We all here? One, two, three, four, aaaaand... HA! Five. ''[points to herself]'' To the planet Neptune! :'''"Army" Ruby''': Let's move out, soldiers! :'''"Navy" Ruby''': ''[dreamily]'' What a lovely sounding planet... :'''"Leggy" Ruby''': But we just... got here. :'''"Doc" Ruby''': ''[dragging "Leggy" along]'' Let's go, newbie! :'''"Eyeball" Ruby''': ''[glares at the Gems for a moment, then speaks in a strained voice]'' Thank you... :''[The Rubies re-enter their space pod and zip into space at hyperspeed]'' :'''Amethyst''': Man... Rubies are ''dumb''. :'''Garnet''': ''[Star iris closes in on Garnet's face as she smiles]'' Not all of them. ===''Steven Floats''=== :''[Steven jumps higher into the sky while a Dhawar Airlines airplane passes by]'' :'''Air Hostess''': ''[inside]'' The captain has turned on the seat belt sign. Looks like we got some boys in the sky ahead of us. <hr width=50%/> :''[Amethyst walks to the front door before looking at Steven up high in the sky]'' :'''Amethyst''': Wait, can Steven fly? Yeah, I think I remember that. ''[enters house and closes front door; comes running back outside seconds later]'' No, no, I'm thinking of Lapis! Hey, Steven!! How did you learn how to fly?! :'''Steven''': Amethyst! Go get help! :'''Amethyst''': ''Whaaaaat?!!'' :'''Steven''': Ugh, she can't hear me. :'''Amethyst''': ''[jumps up high]'' Hey, Air Steve! :'''Steven''': Amethyst, I need you to... ''[she falls back down]'' Dang, too slow. Better ask quicker. :'''Amethyst''': ''[jumps up again]'' What'd you say? :'''Steven''': I could really use your assistance dealing with the sudden appearance ''[she falls down]''—aw, rats! ''[she jumps up again; Steven continues]'' —of a power previously was unbeknownst to me ''[she falls]'' which I can't control... Um... ''[she jumps up again, annoyed]'' :'''Amethyst''': Dude, summarize! :'''Steven''': Go get Garnet! ===''Drop Beat Dad''=== ===''{{w|Mr. Greg}}''=== :'''Greg''': ''Bright sunny day don't cost nothing'' :''Light summer breeze don't cost nothing'' :''What do I do with all this money'' :''When the only thing I want is you?'' :''Palling around don't cost nothing'' :''Singing a song don't cost nothing'' :''How do I spend all this money?'' :''I'd rather just spend time with you.'' :'''Steven''': ''You could buy a house and a car'' :'''Greg''': ''I guess that I can but I've already got a van'' :''I could put you through college'' :'''Steven''': But I'm with the Gems all the time! :'''Greg''': ''Or I could buy you all the finest courses online.'' :'''Steven''': What if we took a trip? :'''Greg''': Do you think? :'''Steven''': Yeah, I do! ''We could take a vacation'' :''We could go somewhere new!'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Pearl''': ''I was fine with the men'' :''Who would come into her life now and again'' :''I was fine 'cause I knew'' :''That they didn't really matter until you.'' :''I was fine when you came'' :''And we fought like it was all some silly game'' :''Over her, who she'd choose'' :''After all those years, I never thought I'd lose.'' :''It's over, isn't it, isn't it, isn't it over?'' :''It's over, isn't it, isn't it, isn't it over?'' :''You won and she chose you, and she loved you and she's gone'' :''It's over, isn't it, why can't I move on?'' <hr width=25% /> :''War and glory, reinvention'' :''Fusion, freedom, her attention'' :''Out in daylight, my potential'' :''Bold, precise, experimental'' :''Who am I now in this world without her?'' :''Petty and dull with the nerve to doubt her?'' :''What does it matter, it's already done'' :''Now I've got to be there for her son.'' :''It's over, isn't it, isn't it, isn't it over?'' :''It's over, isn't it, isn't it, isn't it over?'' :''You won and she chose you, and she loved you and she's gone'' :''It's over, isn't it, why can't I move on?'' :''It's over, isn't it, why can't I move on?'' <hr width=50% /> :'''Steven''': ''Why don't you talk to each other?'' :''Why don't you talk to each other, just give it a try'' :''Why don't you talk about what happened? :''I know you're trying to avoid it, but I don't know why.'' :''You might not believe it'' :''You might not believe it'' :''But you got a lot in common, you really do'' :''You both love me and I love both of you.'' <hr width=25% /> :'''Greg''': Look, if I were you, I'd hate me too. :'''Pearl''': I don't hate you. :'''Greg''': But... I knew how you felt about Rose and I stayed anyway. :'''Pearl''': That wasn't the problem. :'''Greg''': Then, what was? :'''Pearl''': She fell in love with you. :'''Greg''': Well, you know Rose. :'''Both''': ''[chuckling in tears]'' She always did what she wanted! <hr width=25% /> :'''Steven''': ''I know you both need it, I know you both need it'' :''Someone who knows what you're going through'' :''You might not believe it, you might not believe it'' :''But you got a lot in common, you really do.'' :''You both love me and I love both of you'' :''You both love me and I love both... of you.'' ===''Too Short to Ride''=== :''[Steven, Amethyst and Peridot are too short to ride the Appalachian ride; Peridot's hair makes her look taller, but Harold Smiley pushes it down, making her throw a tantrum and wave her fists]'' :'''Harold''': ''[laughs]'' Sorry, guys. Looks like this squad has some growing to do before you can ride. :'''Peridot''': I do ''not'' have to grow! This height is indicative of my rarity and importance! I demand entry, you ''CLOD!'' :'''Harold''': ''[clears throat]'' You kids want another lifetime ban? :'''Steven''': ''[nervously pulls Peridot away]'' No thanks, Mr. Smiley! :'''Amethyst''': Shorty Squad out. ===''The New Lars''=== :'''Steven''': Hey, Lars? why didn't you want to hang out with Sadie? :'''Lars''': I see her at work. Why do I need to see her on my day off? :'''Steven''': But aren't you gonna get married, and have kids, and name one of them after his uncle Steven? :'''Lars''': Oh, let me think…No. Me and Sadie ''aren't'' getting married. We aren't even dating. And if she thinks we are, that's her problem. :'''Steven''': You're lying. I know how you feel about Sadie. :'''Lars''': ''You'' don't know what you're talking about, so butt out! ''[walks off]'' Go annoy someone else. You little weirdo. :'''Steven''': Why can't you just admit you love her?! <hr width="50%"> :''[Lars (Steven) dresses himself up and heads downstairs into the kitchen, finding his parents, Martha and Dante, talking]'' :'''Martha''': No. We can do this, Dante. We have to talk to him. :'''Lars (Steven)''': Hi, there. :''[Martha and Dante turn around and notice him]'' :'''Dante''': Oh, there's our boy. How are you feeling? :'''Lars (Steven)''': ''[sits down at the table]'' Uh…taller? :'''Martha''': ''[places breakfast in front of him]'' Here you go. Oh, it's good to see you this morning, Laramie. :'''Lars (Steven)''': ''[smiling]'' Who's Laramie? :'''Martha''': I mean…Lars. ''[sits down next to her husband at the table]'' :'''Dante''': Now, Lars, we know school is a touchy subject, but we need to talk about this. ''[shows him his grade report]'' :'''Lars (Steven)''': ''[literally reading]'' "F-F-F-F-F-F-B-D-F." That doesn't spell anything. <hr width="50%"> :'''Lars''': ''[slowly getting up]'' Mmm… Huh? Sadie? ''[gasps in shock as he notices everyone looking at him]'' How did I get here?! ''[stands up, panicking]'' What are you all doing here?! :'''Sadie''': Lars, don't get mad. :'''Lars''': Huh?! :'''Sadie''': But Steven really didn't mean to… :'''Lars''': ''[furiously turns to Steven]'' '''''You!''''' What did you do?! :''[Jenny, Sour Cream, and Buck rush in front of him, defending Steven]'' :'''Steven''': ''[nervously]'' I spent the day… with my mind… in your body. :''[Lars gasps and screams in shock and disgust]'' :'''Jenny''': Whoa. Where's your chill? :'''Buck''': Buck is no longer pleased. :'''Martha''': I'm so sorry. He wasn't like this this morning. :'''Lars''': I was acting weird all day and you all just '''''LIKED''''' '''IT?!''' :'''Dante''': Please don't make a scene, Laramie. ===''Beach City Drift''=== :'''Steven''': They told me, "there wasn't enough room on the road for the universe." And I told them, "the universe ''is'' my road." <hr width=50% /> :''[Connie and Steven lie down on a car hood by the "It's a Wash" car wash at night; Steven grumpily sighs]'' :'''Connie''': Still mad about Kevin? :'''Steven''': '''Yes'''. :'''Connie''': Me too. ''[Steven sits up]'' :'''Steven''': You don't seem mad. :'''Connie''': ''[sits up]'' I'm thinking mad. I still feel like there's something big I want to say to him, you know? Something to make him think, like we're thinking. :'''Steven''': Yeah. Too bad we can't just... race against him—to use the first place ribbon to wipe that smug look off his face! :'''Connie''': But we're kids. Kids can't drive. That's against the law. :'''Steven''': We weren't kids when we met Kevin. :'''Connie''': ''[smirking]'' I smell what you're steppin' in. :'''Steven''': Ew. <hr width=50% /> :'''Kevin''': Feel like giving up yet? :'''Stevonnie''': Ugh! Why do you have to be such a jerk all the time?! ''[Kevin becomes sentimental]'' :'''Kevin''': The truth is, I don't mean to be this way. I-I just lash out because of my little brother. ''[inhales sharply, sighs]'' He's sick. Been sick all our lives. Sometimes I think if I act real cool and never let anyone see my pain, then maybe the pain will go away. And maybe... ''[covers face with his hand]'' I can take his pain away, too. :'''Stevonnie''': Kevin... I had no idea. :''[Kevin starts sniffling with his hand still on his face; he slowly starts laughing idiotically]'' :'''Kevin''': Dude! I don't even have a brother! I'm like this because I think it's funny! :'''Stevonnie''': '''URRRGH!!''' :'''Kevin''': Chowzers. ===''Restaurant Wars''=== ===''Alone at Sea''=== :''[amid the dark clouds, Steven sees Lapis on the stem of the boat staring at the ocean]'' :'''Steven''': Lapis? Um... I have some not-so-good news. There's trouble with the engine, and we might be stuck out here for a while. ''[Lapis sighs. He pauses]'' I'm so sorry! This whole thing is my fault. I just wanted you to have fun, but e-everything's a mess. I-I shouldn't have made you come on this trip. ''[Lapis then walks to the right]'' :'''Lapis''': It's my fault. I'm the one to blame. :'''Steven''': That's not true! :'''Lapis''': I'm really trying to enjoy it out here, but... I can't stop thinking about being fused as Malachite. How I used all my strength to hold her down in the ocean, and how I was always battling against Jasper to keep her bound to me. :'''Steven''': But it's not like that anymore. You don't have to be with Jasper. :'''Lapis''': That's not it. I... I miss her. :'''Steven''': ''[shocked]'' What?! :'''Lapis''': We were fused for so long. :'''Steven''': But... she's terrible! :'''Lapis''': ''I'm'' terrible! I did horrible things! I-I broke your dad's leg, I stole Earth's ocean! Go on! Tell me I'm wrong! ===''Greg the Babysitter''=== :''[Greg, Rose Quartz and baby Sour Cream lie down on the beach under a parasol]'' :'''Rose''': You wouldn't believe how long it took me to figure out that this and you are the same thing. :'''Greg''': ''[beat]'' What do you mean? :'''Rose''': You're both human! You have to admit, it's a little confusing. You're big and can talk, and he's small and can only make noises. How was I supposed to know you were the same species? :'''Greg''': ''[chuckles nervously]'' What? :'''Rose''': I know, it's silly. But then I started to notice that... you grow. :'''Greg''': Well, can't play guitar with little baby hands. :''[Rose giggles and then pauses for a moment]'' :'''Rose''': When a gem is made, it's for a reason. They burst out of the ground already knowing what they're supposed to be, and then... that's what they are. Forever. But you, you're supposed to change. You're never the same, even moment to moment—you're allowed and expected to invent who you are. What an incredible power... the ability to grow up. :'''Greg''': ''[pause]'' Wow. Those would make some pretty good lyrics. Hold on! Watch Sour Cream a second. ''[runs off]'' I gotta write this down! ===''Gem Hunt''=== :'''Connie''': So, why were there humanoid tracks out there? They weren't ours, and they weren't Pearl's... It couldn't have been the monster, unless it's just some {{w|Scooby-Doo|guy in a monster suit}}. But that kind of thing only happens in cartoons. Usually over a property dispute. <hr width=50%/> :'''Connie''': All we have to do is follow these tracks. ''[takes a handful of snow and tastes it]'' Yeah. These are fresh. We trail it until it stops to rest. :'''Steven''': Wow, Connie! You're a wilderness expert. :'''Connie''': Well, I like to be prepared. When civilization collapses and this world ends, I need to be ready to build the new one. :'''Steven''': Yeah. I guess if Homeworld invades Earth, things could get pretty crazy for humanity. :'''Connie''': Forget Gems! Humans are already starting their own demise! Peak oils, Steven! How do we handle terminal decline without alternate energy sources?! <hr width=50%> :'''Jasper''': ''[chuckles sinisterly]'' Hey, Rose, look what I got. ===''Crack the Whip''=== :'''Jasper''': ''[confronts Amethyst]'' I came here to fight Rose, not some runt! :'''Amethyst''': You think you can just keep showing up and picking fights with us? Hah! Why don't you get a '''life'''?!! :'''Jasper''': Fighting ''is'' my life! It's what I was made for! ''[points at her]'' It's what you were made for too, runt! :'''Amethyst''': So? I've got other stuff goin' on. I can fight JUST '''FINE!!''' ''[lashes her whip at Jasper, who catches it easily]'' :'''Jasper''': Well, then... let's see it! :''[she pulls Amethyst holding her whip, kicks her, spin-dashes her numerous times on the sand. She struggles to get up in front of Jasper]'' :'''Jasper''': You're not even trying. Is it because you know you're already a failure? ''[Amethyst looks up at her]'' You're a quartz soldier, just like me. But you're not like me, are you? :''[cut to show Steven, Connie and Lion fighting the corrupted gem monster; Jasper chuckles as Amethyst gets up]'' :'''Jasper''': You're small! ''[begins rapidly punching Amethyst, slamming her down; Steven sees them]'' :'''Steven''': Amethyst?! ''[the monster lunges its hand near them]'' :'''Jasper''': Are you that desperate for troops, Rose, that you keep a defect like this?! ''[Amethyst slowly stands up]'' :'''Amethyst''': Rose said... I'm perfect... the way I am! :'''Jasper''': Then she had low standards. ''[an enraged Amethyst charges at Jasper with her spin-dash]'' You... could've been me! ''[kicks Amethyst into the air, falls down as she watches Jasper face to face]'' And what are you instead? ''[Amethyst slams into the ground]'' :'''Connie/Steven''': Amethyst! ''[a badly bruised Amethyst looks back at Jasper]'' :'''Jasper''': Just a joke. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jasper''': ''[shocked to see Steven and Connie fused into Stevonnie]'' You fused?! :'''Stevonnie''': ''[catches Amethyst's gem]'' Whoa! I did! :'''Jasper''': You Crystal Gems would even fuse with a human?! :'''Stevonnie''': ''[facing Jasper]'' I don't wanna hear ANYTHING you say! ''[holds up Amethyst's gem]'' Unless it's "sorry." ===''Steven vs. Amethyst''=== :'''Steven''': ''[loses to Amethyst on "Lonely Blade" video game]'' That was crazy good, Amethyst! Nice job! :'''Amethyst''': Knock it off, Steven. I know you let me win. :'''Steven''': ''[stammers]'' Wha— ''me''? No, I— pfff... nooo... ''[Amethyst shuts TV off]'' :'''Amethyst''': You weren't even trying. :'''Steven''': I'm sorry. I just wanted you to feel better. :'''Amethyst''': Great, and now you're even more mature than me. :'''Steven''': Amethyst? :'''Amethyst''': You're supposed to be the rookie but now you're better than me at everything! ''[sighs]'' Now I'm the worst Crystal Gem. :'''Steven''': Wha-what? :'''Amethyst''': Ugh! ''[mutters]'' You know what I mean, Steven. :'''Steven''': Uhh, not really! I thought you guys ''wanted'' me to be strong. An-and now I am, and you're mad at me?! :'''Amethyst''': No! I get mad at myself! That's, ugh, the thing I do! I get mad at myself, and then it makes me suck at everything I do even more. :'''Steven''': ''[sighs]'' Amethyst, you don't suck. You do so many cool things. You have two whips. Two whips! And the dash thing? Amethyst, you're so much better than me! :'''Amethyst''': No way. You have Rose's shield, and bubble, and the floating thing, and— ''[grunts]'' I'd just be floating all day! :'''Steven''': Floating? I forget to use that half the time! And the rest of the time my powers aren't even guaranteed to work! I'm... I'm way worse than you! :'''Amethyst''': Nuh-uh! ''I'm'' the worst! :'''Steven''': No way, I am! I'll prove it! I'll-I'll fight you, and show you how bad I am! :'''Amethyst''': Fine! Let's do it!! :'''Both''': Let the worst gem lose!! <hr width=50% /> :''[Steven and Amethyst lie down on the floor for a beat, they start up laughing amongst themselves]'' :'''Steven''': What's wrong with us? ''[continues laughing]'' :'''Amethyst''': Well, I know what's wrong with me. I'm not supposed to be small. And everyone's always acting like there's no problem. "You can be anything you wanna be!" No, I can't! ''[sighs]'' I can't even be the one thing I'm supposed to be, you know? :'''Steven''': Of course I do. I'm... not Rose Quartz. :'''Amethyst''': ''[hits her face]'' Oh no! Oh, Steven— :'''Steven''': Why do you think I've been working so hard? :'''Amethyst''': Well... it's paying off. :'''Steven''': ''[chuckling, gets up]'' I sure hope so. :''[Amethyst sees Steven holding out his hand to her, smiles. She swings her arm but misses, laughing; she misses again before she finally catches his hand. She gets up and laughs with Steven]'' :'''Amethyst''': Thanks, Steven. ''[Pearl gasps in horror at the entrance]'' :'''Pearl''': What did you two do?! You've ruined the ruins! :'''Amethyst''': Whoops. :'''Steven''': I don't think we're gonna see the prize pouch for a while. ===''{{w|Bismuth (Steven Universe)|Bismuth}}''=== :''[Steven and the Gems take Bismuth to the strawberry battlefield]'' :'''Garnet''': Homeworld's final attack on Earth wiped out all of the Crystal Gems. :'''Pearl''': Rose was able to protect Garnet and myself, and by the looks of it, she was able to protect you as well. ''[Bismuth picks up a rusty battle-axe]'' :'''Bismuth''': I knew those Homeworld elites were twisted. How many of us did they shatter? Crazy Lace? Biggs?! Snowflake?! If I was there, I-'''I coulda stopped it!!''' :'''Garnet''': It's not like they've stopped trying. :'''Bismuth''': What's that? :'''Garnet''': Homeworld still has its eyes on this planet. :'''Pearl''': We continue to thwart their plans over and over. ''[Steven runs over followed by Amethyst]'' :'''Steven''': But they just keep coming back! :'''Amethyst''': Yep. They want us bad. :'''Bismuth''': Good. I thought I wouldn't get another chance to show those upper-crusts who's ''boss''! Let's show 'em what happens when you mess with the Crystal Gems! ''[slams battle-axe to the ground with a loud roar; Steven smiles]'' :'''Steven''': Yeah. <hr width=50% /> :'''Bismuth''': Rose Quartz changed my life. I came to Earth thinking this was just another colony. Build another arena for important fighters to fight in, build another spire for important thinkers to think in, and then I met her. Just another quartz soldier, made right here in the dirt, but she was different. And she was different because she decided to be. And she asked me what I wanted to build, and I'd never heard that before. And Gems never hear they can be anything other than what they are, but Rose opened our eyes. :'''Steven''': Everybody always tells me how great Mom was. I just don't feel like I can ever measure up to her. ''[Bismuth chuckles out loud]'' :'''Bismuth''': I can't believe this... that I'm the one giving the pep talk to Rose's... Rose's...? :'''Steven''': Son. :'''Bismuth''': Right. You are different. That's what's so exciting. You don't have to be like Rose Quartz. You can be someone even better. You can be you. And you know what? You deserve an even better weapon. <hr width=50% /> :''[Steven walks to a severely injured Bismuth holding the Breaking Point]'' :'''Steven''': Bismuth... this has to stop. :'''Bismuth''': So what are you gonna do, shatter me?! ''[grabs Breaking Point to her gemstone]'' Go ahead! <big>'''JUST ''DO IT''!!!'''</big> :'''Steven''': ..No! Even if we don't agree, nobody deserves this! ''[Bismuth pauses, yanks Breaking Point from Steven. He steps back, stops at Rose's sword, draws it out as Bismuth advances—SHING!!]'' :''[for a long beat, Steven sees Bismuth impaled holding Rose's sword]'' :'''Bismuth''': ..You shoulda shattered me back then. At least if I were in pieces, I wouldn't have to know how little I mattered to you. You didn't even tell 'em. You bubbled me away and didn't ever tell your friends... My friends... :'''Steven''': I'm going to tell them! I'm gonna tell them everything. ''[Bismuth takes in a surprise, chuckles in her tears]'' :'''Bismuth''': Then you really are better than her. ===''Beta''=== :''[Peridot and Lapis Lazuli are watching "Camp Pining Hearts" on the truck sticking out over the barn's entrance]'' :'''Percy''': ''[in the show]'' But Paulette, I need you! :'''Peridot''': Oh, get over it, Percy. Go make another friendship bracelet. :'''Lapis''': Seriously. <hr width=50% /> :'''Steven''': Wow, you guys are looking good. And I love what you did to the barn! :'''Peridot''': Aww, I know. But wait, wait - you guys ''have'' to see the inside! Lapis, fly us in! :'''Lapis''': ''[smiling]'' Nnnno. <hr width=50% /> :''[Inside the barn]'' :'''Amethyst''': You did all this stuff on purpose? Like, you didn't just knock over a bunch of paint cans and go, "Eh, just leave it"? :'''Peridot''': Oh, no. This was all very intentional. You see, I had this idea: What if we made music, but instead of sounds, we use things! :'''Amethyst''': That's dumb. :'''Steven''': Guys, that's art! :'''Peridot''': Art? That sounds ridiculous! :'''Lapis''': I've been calling it "meepmorp". :'''Peridot''': Let us show you our... morps. ''[chuckles]'' :''[She shows them something made from her broken recorder, some cassettes and a blue ribbon]'' :'''Peridot''': This piece is called "Wow, thanks". It represents the struggles of intercommunication. The tape is the ribbon that binds our experience on Earth together. It has no functional purpose! It just makes me feel bad! ''[smiles proudly]'' :''[Lapis shows them a baseball bat, mitt and ball hanging from a stick by string]'' :'''Lapis''': Here's my meepmorp. This is a baseball bat. It reminds me of when I played baseball. ''[walks backwards to a leaf sitting on a rock]'' This is a leaf that Steven gave me. It reminds me of the time Steven... gave me a leaf. :'''Steven''': Hey, yeah, it reminds me of that too! ''[Peridot grins; Amethyst looks nauseated]'' :''[Next is a TV with two mirrors attached, playing Percy in ''Camp Pining Hearts'' saying "I just feel trapped" over and over]'' :'''Steven''': ''[worried]'' Is this one about... the thousands of years you spent trapped in the mirror? :'''Lapis''': No. I just really like that show. <hr width=50% /> :'''Peridot''': Wow, Amethyst doesn't seem to understand morons at all. :'''Steven''': No, ''[sighs]'' it's something else. Amethyst found out she's supposed to be just like Jasper. :'''Peridot''': Meh? :'''Steven''': Jasper took her down in a fight, and now, she's obsessed with getting a rematch, to prove she's good enough. :'''Peridot''': Hmm. Amethyst, Ams, Big A. ''You'' are ''way'' better than Jasper! :'''Amethyst''': What? Oh. ''[to Steven]'' What did you tell her? :'''Steven''': I, uh… :'''Peridot''': What are you even doing comparing yourself to her? Oh, Amethyst, that's ridiculous. I should call you "Ridiculousthyst." ''[laughs]'' I mean, seriously, Amethyst and Jasper are ''completely'' different Quartzes. Sure, you're both from Earth, but your Kindergartners are ''radically'' different. :'''Steven''': What? Hold-- Hold on. What?! :'''Amethyst''': We're both from Earth? :'''Peridot''': Well, sure. Amethyst, you're from the Prime Kindergarten in Facet 5. ''She's'' from the ''Beta'' Kindergarten, in Facet 9. Have you ''seen'' that place? :'''Amethyst''': No! :'''Peridot''': Oh. Well, maybe you should, so you could see how the other half was made… Poorly! ''[laughs]'' No, seriously. Let's go. You'll get a kick out of this. <hr width=50% /> :'''Peridot''': Here we are, Jasper's origin-- the Beta Kindergarten. :'''Steven''': Am I underwhelmed? It's pretty bright out here. :'''Amethyst''': It's red. :'''Peridot''': No kidding. Red sandstone! Ha! This is what I'm talking about. We're lucky this place hasn't blown away. Beta, am I right? :'''Steven''': ''[laughs]'' That's a math joke, right? :'''Peridot''': Come on. It gets worse. I mean, this place has got the right growing conditions in a pinch, I guess, but it's too small! It was obviously a total rush job. :'''Steven''': A rush job? :'''Peridot''': Halfway through the rebellion, Homeworld scrambled to generate extra soldiers on the ground. Look at this-- the holes don't even line up! ''[scoffs]'' It's like they just threw injectors down wherever. Oh, and that one? This Carnelian came out sideways. How could she not? The walls are curved! ''[laughs]'' What a joke. <hr width=50% /> :'''Peridot''': What you want to see is a vertical alignment; no angle in the exit; a clean, strong silhouette. None of these holes come close! :'''Amethyst''': What about that one? :''[They look up at Jasper's big exit hole]'' :'''Peridot''': Jasper. :'''Steven''': ''This'' is Jasper's hole? :'''Amethyst''': It's huge! :'''Peridot''': Oh, come on. We already know she's tall. Let's take a closer look. ===''Earthlings''=== :'''Jasper''': Pipe down! You take orders from me now! You used to be a Quartz too, didn't you? What happened to you? Tch. Disgraceful. I can't believe I've resorted to recruiting you freaks! You're almost as bad as that Crystal ''runt''! Just look at you. This planet ruins everything! Well, (''chuckles'') except for me. <hr width=50% /> :'''Jasper''': Every Gem is made for a purpose—to serve the order of the Diamonds. Those who cannot fit inside this order must be purged! To come out misshapen, to reshape yourself outside your purpose, and to defend this worthless, ruined planet is a disgrace! <hr width=50% /> :''[Steven throws his shield over a towering Injector; Amethyst backs away from Jasper as it falls between them]'' :'''Amethyst''': Steven... I-I can't win. No matter what I do, no matter how hard I work, she came out right, and I came out... wrong. :'''Steven''': That's just what Jasper thinks! She's the only one who thinks you should be like her! :'''Amethyst''': But— :'''Steven''': Stop trying to be like Jasper. You're ''nothing'' like Jasper! You're like ''me''!! Because we're both not like anybody! And yeah, it sucks! ''[Jasper lifts up the Injector and throws it aside]'' But at least I've got you. And you've got me! ''[tearing up]'' So stop leaving me out of this! :'''Amethyst''': Us worse Gems stick together... ''[sniffles]'' right? ''[Steven holds out his hand]'' :'''Steven''': That's why we're the best. :''[Amethyst takes his hand, and they hug - and fuse]'' :'''Smoky Quartz''': What a ''BEAUTIFUL'' DAY! :'''Jasper''': Huh?! Who are you supposed to be?! <hr width=50% /> :''[After briefly fusing with a corrupted Gem, the corruption spreads slowly in Jasper's left arm]'' :'''Peridot''': Eww, that's disgusting! :'''Smoky Quartz''': It's... corruption. ''[separates back into Steven and Amethyst]'' :'''Amethyst''': Steven, be careful. :'''Steven''': But this just happened - maybe I can do something! Jasper, it's okay. I'm here. ''[starts approaching her]'' :'''Jasper''': ''[snarling]'' Rose... :'''Steven''': I'm not Rose, I'm Steven. I just wanna try and heal you. ''[licks his palm and reaches for her - but she slashes at him, tearing his shirt]'' :'''Amethyst''': Steven!! :''[Peridot unsuccessfully tries to mentally move the metal rod again]'' :'''Steven''': ''[as Amethyst tries to charge at Jasper]'' Stop! :'''Jasper''': ''[chuckles]'' I see how you do it now, Rose... You want Gems after they're worthless. You wait until after they've lost! Because when you're at the bottom... you'll follow ''anyone'' that makes you feel like less of a failure. ''[as Peridot rushes over]'' Huh... Just look at this one! You've stripped her of everything! Her limb enhancers, her status, her dignity... :'''Peridot''': I still have one of those things. :'''Jasper''': ''How can you side with Rose Quartz?!'' Why? Why protect this useless shell of a planet?! :'''Peridot''': It's not a shell. There's so much life, living here. ''[smiling]'' That's what ''I'm'' doing! I'm living here! I've been learning new things about myself all the time! Like how I can make metal do my bidding! ''[tries to show this off, but the rod just falls behind her]'' The point being: Earth can set you free. ''[Steven smiles]'' :'''Jasper''': ''[angrily, as the corruption spreads rapidly in her body]'' Earth... is a prison! I got out because I'm better than this place...! :'''Steven''': It's getting worse. :'''Jasper''': I only came back to finish you off...! :'''Steven''': Try not to move! :'''Jasper''': ''You can't manipulate me, Rose Quartz!'' :'''Steven''': I-- I'm not manipulating! I'm trying to help! :'''Jasper''': Help...? ''HELP?!'' I've been fighting from the second I broke free of the Earth's crust! Because of what ''YOU'' did to my colony! Because of what '''YOU''' did to my planet! Because of what '''YOU''' did to my Diamond! :'''Steven''': ''[confsed]'' I... Yellow Diamond? :'''Jasper''': Wha...?! ''MY'' DIAMOND! ''YOUR'' DIAMOND! <big>'''''PINK DIAMOND!!!'''''</big> :''[Her corruption worsening, Jasper becomes barely recognizable and looks ready to attack; Peridot finally gets the metal rod to move, plunging it into Jasper and making her poof]'' :'''Peridot''': ''[after a brief silence]'' You're... welcome. :'''Amethyst''': ''[smiles, then walks over to Jasper's gem and sighs]'' Come here, sis. ''[bubbles her]'' ===''Back to the Moon''=== :''[the Rubies walk up the moon base stairway followed by Amethyst (as Jasper), Pearl, Garnet and Steven]'' :'''"Eyeball" Ruby''': The Earth was Pink Diamond's colony. Everything was going smoothly at first. Kindergartens were incubating their first soldiers—big, warm pieces of quartz, like this mountain over here—were being created from its rich minerals with great success. Then, bam! One of Pink Diamond's very own quartz soldiers started a rebellion and took it too far. Where were you when that happened? :'''Amethyst''': Oh, you know... around. ''["Eyeball" turns to Amethyst]'' :'''"Eyeball" Ruby''': I was there. I saw it with my own eye. I watched the leader of the Crystal Gems, Rose Quartz... ''[projects her light on the mural]'' shatter Pink Diamond! :''[Steven looks up in his horror; Garnet is frozen still for a beat, Pearl starts shivering in fear]'' :'''Steven''': No... ''[beat]'' Rose Quartz w-would never do that! ''[tearing up]'' A-And, sure, she had to fight but... But she would never shatter someone! ===''Bubbled''=== :''[Steven (in his bubble) and "Eyeball" Ruby drift in space far away from the Earth]'' :'''Steven''': There goes the Earth. :'''"Eyeball" Ruby''': There goes my whole platoon! ''[growls at him]'' This is a mess! ''[walks around his bubble]'' What'll I say about my report?! How will I even ''make'' my report?! This is a nightmare! ''[looks down at him]'' And this is all ''your'' fault. :'''Steven''': Whoa, hey, no it's not! You were trying to hurt my friends! :'''"Eyeball" Ruby''': But you opened the airlock in the moon base. ''You'' sent us flying into space with no hope of ever returning! :'''Steven''': ''[long pause]'' Okay, so maybe that was my fault. I'm sorry. There! Are you happy? :'''"Eyeball" Ruby''': No! Lucky you're in that bubble, or I'd pop you right in the face. :'''Steven''': Well, if you're going to be a grump about it, then we can just float in silence until we both die! :'''"Eyeball" Ruby''': Sounds great! :'''Steven''': Fine! :'''"Eyeball" Ruby''': I can't wait!! :'''Steven''': Me neither! <hr width=50% /> :'''"Eyeball" Ruby''': When I heard rumors there might still be Crystal Gems on Earth, I couldn't believe it. A thousand years of fighting were all for nothing! And Rose Quartz might still be alive? ''[scoffs, rolls on her side]'' She must be. Why else would someone as important as Jasper be back on Earth? For closure, that's why. I wanted it, too. I wanted to see Rose Quartz with my own eye. At the very least, I thought Jasper might have some answers, but... it wasn't even her. Just another trick. <hr width=50% /> :'''Steven''': How come nobody told me about Pink Diamond? :'''Garnet''': We all did what we had to during the war. Everything's different now. :'''Steven''': But did Mom really do it? Did she really... shatter her? :'''Garnet''': She had to. The Earth belonged to Pink Diamond. Destroying her was the only way to save the planet. For Amethyst to be herself, for Pearl to be free, for me to be together. ''[clutches her hand]'' For you to exist. :'''Steven''': But I thought... a-at least she'd never— :'''Garnet''': She didn't always do what was best for her. But she always did what was best for Earth. :'''Steven''': Even... if it meant shattering someone? :'''Garnet''': Yes. :''[Steven pauses, takes a deep breath and sighs as the Gems pilot the Rubies' Roaming Eye back to Earth]'' :'''Steven''': Thanks for telling me. [[Category:Steven Universe seasons]] cj9tl3lkgls6jofu09wembmdzay63q8 3153115 3153112 2022-08-10T02:36:06Z 162.197.99.132 /* Super Watermelon Island */ wikitext text/x-wiki ---- :'''Seasons:''' [[Steven Universe (season 1)|1]] [[Steven Universe (season 2)|2]] [[Steven Universe (season 3)|3]] [[Steven Universe (season 4)|4]] [[Steven Universe (season 5)|5]] | [[Steven Universe: The Movie|Film]] | [[Steven Universe Future|Future]] | [[Steven Universe|Main]] ---- {{italic title}} The following is a list of quotes from the third season of ''[[Steven Universe]]''. ===''Super Watermelon Island''=== :'''Peridot''': Didn't you feel that? :'''Amethyst''': Feel what? :'''Peridot''': The ground shook! This could be the start of the emergence of the Cluster. Stage 1: Slight tremors every quarter hour. Stage 2: Full-scale earthquakes. Stage 3: ''[flips the board that shows a drawn picture of the Earth being destroyed with words that say: '''"CLUSTER EMERGES BYE BYE EARTH"''']'' The Earth is destroyed! We're running out of time! We need to drill, right now! :'''Steven''': No, it's Malachite! :'''Garnet, Amethyst, & Pearl''': Malachite?! :'''Peridot''': What? :'''Steven''': I was on Mask Island. I was in a watermelon Steven. They have a lovely community, but Malachite, she was there! :''[Amethyst coughs out a bite of her sandwich sub]'' :'''Garnet''': Lapis Lazuli is losing control. Soon, Jasper will overpower her and Malachite will be loose. :'''Pearl''': Who knows what sort of destruction an unstable fusion like Malachite could cause? <hr width=50% /> :'''Peridot''': ''[sitting on mattress with Steven]'' So, Lazuli has Jasper trapped in a fusion? You're joking me. :'''Steven''': It's true! But Lapis must be getting tired from fighting Jasper for so long. :'''Peridot''': Just being on a ship with Jasper made me tired. ''[the ground starts trembling, Steven shouts]'' :'''Steven''': Ahh! I gotta help them! But they told me it was too dangerous. :'''Peridot''': Why don't you just disobey them? They rebel. Isn't that like, your guys's thing? :'''Steven''': Ah! You're right! Oh, I know! I'll fall asleep and go into a watermelon Steven again! This way, I can help them and be safe at the same time. ''[chuckles sinisterly, falls asleep]'' :'''Peridot''': Wow. You are a real anarchist. :'''Steven''': No one can tell ''me'' what to do. ''[snores]'' :'''Peridot''': Wait! What do I do now? Don't just leave me here! ''[sighs deeply]'' <hr width=50% /> :'''Malachite''': Give up! ''[breaks free of water chains, sighs]'' I'm impressed. You really held out. :'''Alexandrite''': <big>'''''MALACHITE!!!'''''</big> :'''Malachite''': ''[gasps]'' They're here! ''[starts groaning, snaps out]'' Stop! Pathetic. Don't you see? We've been holding us back for too long, and for what? If we're going to be this thing together, why don't we have some fun? :'''Alexandrite''': '''We don't have to fight!! You're outnumbered.''' ''[Malachite grins, raises two huge water-arms]'' :'''Malachite''': I may be outnumbered, but you're out of your depth. I can't wait to tear you Gems apart! :'''Alexandrite''': <big><big>'''''RAAAAHHH!!!!'''''</big></big> <hr width=50% /> :'''Alexandrite''': Hey! Don't forget about me! ''[pulls Malachite in towards her and punches her; then turns Sugilite's flail into Sardonyx's war-hammer and launches Malachite in the sky; turns the war-hammer into Opal's bow and arrow again]'' You two should spend some time apart. <hr width=50% /> :''[the Gems and watermelon Stevens hold on as strong earthquakes tremble up Mask Island]'' :'''Garnet''': It must be the Cluster! Peridot was right! ''[to a watermelon Steven]'' Steven, it's up to you! The warp was destroyed, we won't make it back in time! Wake up! Get Peridot and start drilling! The Earth needs you, Steven! We'll be fine! You can do this. ''[Pearl and Amethyst join her]'' We believe in you. :''[the crying watermelon Steven nods and closes its eyes as the Gems slowly fade to black]'' :'''Amethyst''': You got this, dude! You know the drill. :'''Pearl''': Be careful, Steven! Watch each other's backs. :'''Garnet''': And Steven... we love you. ===''Gem Drill''=== :'''Peridot''': ''[being shaken next to drill]'' If you're done just lying there, maybe it's about time that we ''STOP THE WORLD FROM ENDING!'' Where are the others?! :'''Steven''': They're stuck on Mask Island! We have to drill without them! :'''Peridot''': Ugh! Am I the only one who understands the meaning of teamwork?! ''[Steven comes up, and she grips his shoulders]'' Okay. Steven, are you ready to drill down into the planet, to depths never before reached by your species, to stop the Cluster before it forms and save your world?! :'''Steven''': I don't know! :'''Peridot''': Don't say that! Say we'll do it together and it's gonna be great! :'''Steven''': We're gonna do it together and it's gonna be great! :'''Peridot''': ''Liar!'' :''[Peridot and Steven then scamper into the drill's cockpit as the ground continues to shake]'' :'''Peridot''': Ready or not, we have a mission. <hr width=50%/> :''[Inside the drill]'' :'''Steven''': All right, bracing for impact! :'''Peridot''': It's actually two more hours to the Cluster. :'''Steven''': Oh. Wish I'd brought some tunes. :''[Looking annoyed, Peridot presses a button, making some quiet music play]'' :'''Steven''': Uh, thanks. ''[short silence; starts to look nervous]'' It's kinda... freaky down here, huh? :'''Peridot''': Why's that? :'''Steven''': It's just dark, and cramped, ''[shuddering]'' and, uh... I can't even... uh, stretch out. ''[they are both disturbed by a brief rumbling]'' How'd you think you were gonna get everyone in here anyway? :'''Peridot''': I don't know. They'd... shrink or something. <hr width=50%/> :''[As it appears that the Cluster will take form and destroy the Earth]'' :'''Peridot''': ''[terrified]'' Steven, I'm sorry I couldn't save you, or the billions of other lifeforms who matter far, far less to me! Do you have any last words?! :'''Steven''': ''[hugging her]'' I love you, Peridot. :'''Peridot''': ''[emotionally]'' Wow... .thanks... ''[hugs him back]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''The Cluster''': Want to stay... But... Can't stop! Going to form! Can't stop! Going to form! Help! Help! Help! <hr width=50%/> :''[After Steven helps the Cluster bubble itself]'' :'''Peridot''': ''[hugging him]'' You did it! :'''Steven''': We did it together. And it was great. :''[The other Gems arrive, with an unconscious Lapis]'' :'''Steven''': Guys! You're back! I-is Lapis okay? :'''Garnet''': She'll be fine. :'''Pearl''': ''[concerned]'' You look happy! Uh, did you destroy the Cluster? :'''Steven''': No, I talked to it. :'''Pearl''': What? :'''Steven''': It doesn't want to destroy the Earth. It just wants company. And it's got it now! It's like a bajillion people! They'll have lots of time to get to know each other, now that they're in a bubble. :'''Pearl''': ''[utterly astonished]'' How on ''Earth'' did you bubble that ''whole thing?!'' :'''Steven''': We had a little help. :''[The Cluster is shown again, still peacefully contained in its bubble]'' ===''Same Old World''=== :'''Lapis''': For a moment, I really felt like things were different... but they're not. No matter where I go, I'm trapped. :'''Steven''': But you're not. You're not underwater. You're not in a mirror. This time, you're free! :'''Lapis''': But I'm still on Earth! :'''Steven''': Yeah, but nothing is still on Earth. Everything's always changing—the leaves, the cities... even Jersey changes. My dad says the rest stops used to be pretty gross, but now they have sushi! This isn't the same world that held you prisoner - not anymore. And I know it doesn't feel like home, but maybe that can change too. I know you can't go back to Homeworld, but if you stay here, it'll be your choice to stay here. :'''Lapis''': It's funny... For all the time I spent on Earth, I barely saw any of it. :'''Steven''': That's not funny. That's super sad. ===''Barn Mates''=== :'''Peridot''': And then I'll say, "Hey, as one refugee to another, it isn't so bad that we can't go back to Homeworld, am I right? Why don't we watch the sun come up and figure out what we're going to do with all this time, eh Lazuli?" And then she'll say, "Yes Peridot, as impressed I was by you on the ship, I am even more impressed with your new compact look and capacity for friendship! I'm so glad we're going to live together!" Peridot, Facet 5. (''ends her log'') Let's begin. :'''Lapis''': ''[amused]'' This isn't gonna work. :'''Peridot''': Wait, what? :'''Lapis''': I really thought I would be living alone here. :'''Steven''': Yeah, but this is even better! Oh here, how about this? I saw this on an episode of a TV show! I didn't see how it ended, but I'm sure it worked out right. We'll divide this place in half, you'll both have your own space. (''takes out a marker from his left pocket and opens the cap; divides the barn into 2 non-equal parts using the marker'') High ceilings, real wood floors, convenient location on the heart of the country. So what do you think, roomies? :'''Peridot''': I like the cut of your gem, Steven Quartz! :'''Lapis''': No. No way! :'''Peridot''': What's the problem? You're the one getting all the good stuff! You've got the propeller and paint cans on your side! You can do tons with those! oooh, actually, I want the paint cans - you wanna trade something? :'''Lapis''': I don't care about paint cans. That's not the problem. :'''Peridot''': Bah... :'''Steven''': What's wrong, Lapis? :'''Lapis''': It's ''her''. :'''Peridot''': Egh?! :'''Lapis''': ''She's'' the problem. I can't stand the thought of looking at her everyday. She's the one who dragged me back to Earth. :'''Peridot''': Hey, it wasn't my idea! I was headed to earth and I needed an informant! It should have been a simple mission. Things didn't exactly work out for either of us. :'''Lapis''': You used me like everyone else did! :'''Peridot''': But it's not like that anymore! It's different now - I'M different! :'''Steven''': It's true, Lapis! Peridot has really come into her own since she's been living on Earth. :'''Peridot''': I sabotaged my own mission! I helped save the Earth, I even yelled at Yellow Diamond! She's probably sending a whole fleet to find me and shatter me right now! I'm kind of a big deal; a big Anti-Homeworld Deal! :'''Lapis''': Steven, I don't think this is gonna work. :'''Steven''': Ahhhh, ummmm, maybe we could put up a curtain? (''Lapis gives him a patient smile, but walks out of the barn and flies to the top of the Silo; to Peridot'') Sorry. Thought this was gonna be okay. I forgot the last time you saw each other.. wasn't, so okay. :'''Peridot''': That was in the ''past''! It's not like that now! UGHHHH! :'''Steven''': I know. :'''Peridot''': But obviously she doesn't! She's the one who needs to know! I want ''her'' to understand! :'''Steven''': Aw Peridot, that's sweet! That's the you you need to show her! :'''Peridot''': ''[confused]'' Show her my ''sweet''? :'''Steven''': I got you. <hr width=50%/> :'''Peridot''': ''[hands Lapis the letter]'' Steven did the outside, and I did the inside. :'''Lapis''': ''[opens the letter with an unimpressed look; reading]'' '''"Sorry I interrogated you. You were just full of such useful information. That's a sincere compliment. Peridot."''' <hr width=50%/> :'''Peridot''': ''[on a rubber ring in a miniature lake]'' H-two-oh my gosh. It's a smaller than an average lake! :'''Steven''': It's from the hole we drilled. Peridot and I sealed it and filled it with water. ''[Lapis pauses for a beat]'' :'''Peridot''': It's a gift for you. You know, 'cause like water's your thing? ''[snickers]'' Pretty good right? The barn's out here in the country, but now you can get your moisture fix whenever. Do all that water stuff you do. :'''Lapis''': ..Water? Seriously? :'''Peridot''': Yeah! :'''Lapis''': You do realize that I spent the last few months trapped under the ocean, right? :'''Peridot''': Sure! But, I thought— :'''Lapis''': It was an endless, crushing darkness. Wet and bleak and suffocating. Water was the tomb I lived in for those months. :'''Peridot''': ''[queasy and terrified]'' Tomb, you say? :'''Lapis''': Yeah. I'm kinda taking a break from water right now. ''[beat]'' But thanks…for the lake. :'''Steven''': ''[grimaces]'' Uhh… :'''Peridot''': Urrgh… :'''Lapis''': Don't worry, Steven. It's not your fault. <hr width=50%/> :'''Peridot''': A pool! What a cloddy idea. Of course she wouldn't like that. There's nothing! Nothing! Nothing! :'''Steven''': There has to be something. Something, something. Maybe, instead of something ''she'' likes, give her something ''you'' like. A piece of you! :'''Peridot''': Um…okay. How about my ''Camp Pining Hearts'' DVD? :'''Steven''': Which season? :'''Peridot''': Five? :'''Steven''': Trash. :'''Peridot''': I know! Ugh! ''[falls onto the ground with her back; speaks into the tape recorder]'' Log Date- whatever. Facet- whatever! WHATEVER! Clearly there's nothing important enough for me to give to Lazuli. At least I have you, tape recorder. <hr width=50%/> :'''Peridot''': Here. I'll unwrap it for you. When I was stuck here, Steven gave me this tape recorder as a gift, and I didn't really get at first, but it made me feel better. Just to talk about all the weird stuff that was happening. It'll help you too. ''[gives the recorder to Lapis]'' You, uh, press the button to record, and then you talk into it. :'''Lapis''': ''[speaks into the tape recorder]'' I don't want your garbage. ''[raises the tape recorder up, crushes it, and drops it onto the ground]'' :'''Peridot''': GUH! What, were you trapped in a tape recorder, too?! ''[Lapis glares enraged at her; frustrated]'' Look, I get it, you know? You're confused. You can never go back to Homeworld. This place doesn't exactly feel like home yet. You're alone! No one could ''possibly'' know what that feels like! Oh, wait, ''I'' do! We're the same! Except… ''[calms down]'' you don't have to be alone. So, tell me, then, what you want from me. And whatever that is… ''[sighs]'' I'll do it. :'''Lapis''': ''[scowling]'' I want you… TO LEAVE! :'''Peridot''': ''[visibly hurt]'' Okay. ''[starts walking away]'' :'''Steven''': Lapis, why are you being so mean to her? She's really trying. :'''Lapis''': Why do you trust her, Steven? :'''Steven''': Because I know her! Lapis, you're not even giving her a chance. You should have at least gotten to know her before you decided you don't like her. Now it's too late. And she's never coming back again. ''[He and Lapis see Peridot running towards them while screaming]'' Oh, she's coming back again. ===''Hit the Diamond''=== :''[Five Rubies have arrived on Earth; Steven and the Gems hide in the barn]'' :'''Steven''': Whoa, look at 'em all. :'''Peridot''': ''[scared]'' I knew it! They're after me! This is the end of the line! :'''Lapis''': You really weren't kidding. :'''Peridot''': I disobeyed a direct order from Yellow Diamond, and I called her a clod…to her face. :'''Pearl''': Oh, honestly, you call ''everyone'' a clod. :'''Peridot''': Yes. But not everyone has command over all the armies of Homeworld waiting for the word to ''shatter me!'' ''[hides under a box]'' :'''Steven''': Peridot! We won't let them get you. ''[lifts the box, revealing Peridot curling up sadly]'' :'''Peridot''': Haven't I caused you enough trouble? :'''Garnet''': Don't worry, Peridot. It's our sworn duty to protect anything that calls this planet home, and that includes clods like you. :'''Peridot''': ''[quietly]'' That's ''my'' word… :'''Garnet''': Listen up, everyone. I have a plan. Or should I say… ''[holds up her hands]'' ''We'' have a plan? ''[giggles as she unfuses, separating into Ruby and Sapphire]'' :'''Sapphire''': Hello, everyone. :'''Pearl & Amethyst''': Ruby! Sapphire! :'''Steven''': ''[runs over and hugs them both]'' Hugs! :'''Sapphire''': Hello, Steven! <hr width=50%/> :''[Disguised as a human baseball team]'' :'''Steven''': We're the humans! Steven! :'''Pearl''': Earl! :'''Amethyst''': Amy! :'''Lapis''': ''[apathetically]'' Bob. :'''Sapphire''': ''[flirtatiously]'' And Sophie... :''[Saspphire's Ruby blushes]'' <hr width=50%/> :''[After a baseball bat is accidentally destroyed, Steven goes to get a replacement from the barn]'' :'''Peridot''': ''[hiding in the barn]'' Hey, how's it going? Are we winning? :'''Steven''': ''[nervously]'' Ummm, heh-heh... :'''Ruby''': ''[standing behind Sapphire, guiding her with a bat]'' Now, what you wanna do is lean with your hips. ''[Sapphire swings the bat]'' Yeah, that's pretty good. Let me show you again. :''["Eyeball" Ruby watches them, then glares at Steven]'' :'''Steven''': ''[sweating]'' Well, heh... We're doing just fine. ''[heading back to the field]'' Everything's going to be A-okay... :'''Peridot''': YOU'RE LYING TO ME! :'''Steven''': To make you feel better! :'''Peridot''': THANK YOU! <hr width=50%/> :''[After Ruby and Sapphire accidentally refuse into Garnet after the baseball game]'' :'''Garnet''': ''[laughs joyously for a moment]'' ... Whoops. :'''"Doc" Ruby''': ''[angrily]'' THEY'RE GEMS! :'''"Army" Ruby''': ''[also angrily]'' WE'VE BEEN TRICKED! :'''"Navy" Ruby''': ''[in quiet awe]'' What a turn of events... :'''"Eyeball" Ruby''': ''[growls]'' :'''"Leggy" Ruby''': ''[confused]'' Huh? W-what? :'''Garnet''': ''[to the other Crystal Gems]'' Sorry, guys. The game is over. :'''"Doc" Ruby''': That's it! Rubies... COMBINE! :''[The five Rubies fuse into a giant Ruby and roar]'' :'''Peridot''': ''WAAAAAAIIIIIIIT!!'' WAIT! STOP! DON'T HURT THEM! ''[rushes out of the barn, trips twice, and runs the rest of the way on all fours, panting]'' Wait, oh please, please! It's ''me'' you're after, right? I'm not gonna stand by and let my friends fight my battles! :'''Steven''': Awww, Peri loves us! :'''Ruby Fusion''': Are you the Peridot assigned to the failed Earth mission? :'''Peridot''': ''[nervously]'' Not sure if "failed" would be the right word to-- :'''Ruby Fusion''': Where is Jasper?! :'''Peridot''': You're looking for... Jasper? :'''Ruby Fusion''': Correct! :'''Peridot''': Wait - but I'm the one who betrayed the mission! Who called Yellow Diamond a clod! The new leader of the Crystal Gems?! :'''Pearl''': What? :'''Ruby Fusion''': Tell us where Jasper is! ''NOW!'' :'''Peridot''': Jasper... umm... we know where Jasper is! ''[Pearl nervously shakes her head]'' :'''Ruby Fusion''': ''WELL?!'' :'''Peridot''': Uhhhhh.... :'''Steven''': ''[pointing to the sky]'' Neptune! She's on the planet Neptune! :'''Ruby Fusion''': ''[stares at them suspiciously for a moment, then smiles and shrugs]'' Well, why didn't you say so? :''[Steven sighs in relief, and the Rubies unfuse]'' :'''"Doc" Ruby''': We all here? One, two, three, four, aaaaand... HA! Five. ''[points to herself]'' To the planet Neptune! :'''"Army" Ruby''': Let's move out, soldiers! :'''"Navy" Ruby''': ''[dreamily]'' What a lovely sounding planet... :'''"Leggy" Ruby''': But we just... got here. :'''"Doc" Ruby''': ''[dragging "Leggy" along]'' Let's go, newbie! :'''"Eyeball" Ruby''': ''[glares at the Gems for a moment, then speaks in a strained voice]'' Thank you... :''[The Rubies re-enter their space pod and zip into space at hyperspeed]'' :'''Amethyst''': Man... Rubies are ''dumb''. :'''Garnet''': ''[Star iris closes in on Garnet's face as she smiles]'' Not all of them. ===''Steven Floats''=== :''[Steven jumps higher into the sky while a Dhawar Airlines airplane passes by]'' :'''Air Hostess''': ''[inside]'' The captain has turned on the seat belt sign. Looks like we got some boys in the sky ahead of us. <hr width=50%/> :''[Amethyst walks to the front door before looking at Steven up high in the sky]'' :'''Amethyst''': Wait, can Steven fly? Yeah, I think I remember that. ''[enters house and closes front door; comes running back outside seconds later]'' No, no, I'm thinking of Lapis! Hey, Steven!! How did you learn how to fly?! :'''Steven''': Amethyst! Go get help! :'''Amethyst''': ''Whaaaaat?!!'' :'''Steven''': Ugh, she can't hear me. :'''Amethyst''': ''[jumps up high]'' Hey, Air Steve! :'''Steven''': Amethyst, I need you to... ''[she falls back down]'' Dang, too slow. Better ask quicker. :'''Amethyst''': ''[jumps up again]'' What'd you say? :'''Steven''': I could really use your assistance dealing with the sudden appearance ''[she falls down]''—aw, rats! ''[she jumps up again; Steven continues]'' —of a power previously was unbeknownst to me ''[she falls]'' which I can't control... Um... ''[she jumps up again, annoyed]'' :'''Amethyst''': Dude, summarize! :'''Steven''': Go get Garnet! ===''Drop Beat Dad''=== ===''{{w|Mr. Greg}}''=== :'''Greg''': ''Bright sunny day don't cost nothing'' :''Light summer breeze don't cost nothing'' :''What do I do with all this money'' :''When the only thing I want is you?'' :''Palling around don't cost nothing'' :''Singing a song don't cost nothing'' :''How do I spend all this money?'' :''I'd rather just spend time with you.'' :'''Steven''': ''You could buy a house and a car'' :'''Greg''': ''I guess that I can but I've already got a van'' :''I could put you through college'' :'''Steven''': But I'm with the Gems all the time! :'''Greg''': ''Or I could buy you all the finest courses online.'' :'''Steven''': What if we took a trip? :'''Greg''': Do you think? :'''Steven''': Yeah, I do! ''We could take a vacation'' :''We could go somewhere new!'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Pearl''': ''I was fine with the men'' :''Who would come into her life now and again'' :''I was fine 'cause I knew'' :''That they didn't really matter until you.'' :''I was fine when you came'' :''And we fought like it was all some silly game'' :''Over her, who she'd choose'' :''After all those years, I never thought I'd lose.'' :''It's over, isn't it, isn't it, isn't it over?'' :''It's over, isn't it, isn't it, isn't it over?'' :''You won and she chose you, and she loved you and she's gone'' :''It's over, isn't it, why can't I move on?'' <hr width=25% /> :''War and glory, reinvention'' :''Fusion, freedom, her attention'' :''Out in daylight, my potential'' :''Bold, precise, experimental'' :''Who am I now in this world without her?'' :''Petty and dull with the nerve to doubt her?'' :''What does it matter, it's already done'' :''Now I've got to be there for her son.'' :''It's over, isn't it, isn't it, isn't it over?'' :''It's over, isn't it, isn't it, isn't it over?'' :''You won and she chose you, and she loved you and she's gone'' :''It's over, isn't it, why can't I move on?'' :''It's over, isn't it, why can't I move on?'' <hr width=50% /> :'''Steven''': ''Why don't you talk to each other?'' :''Why don't you talk to each other, just give it a try'' :''Why don't you talk about what happened? :''I know you're trying to avoid it, but I don't know why.'' :''You might not believe it'' :''You might not believe it'' :''But you got a lot in common, you really do'' :''You both love me and I love both of you.'' <hr width=25% /> :'''Greg''': Look, if I were you, I'd hate me too. :'''Pearl''': I don't hate you. :'''Greg''': But... I knew how you felt about Rose and I stayed anyway. :'''Pearl''': That wasn't the problem. :'''Greg''': Then, what was? :'''Pearl''': She fell in love with you. :'''Greg''': Well, you know Rose. :'''Both''': ''[chuckling in tears]'' She always did what she wanted! <hr width=25% /> :'''Steven''': ''I know you both need it, I know you both need it'' :''Someone who knows what you're going through'' :''You might not believe it, you might not believe it'' :''But you got a lot in common, you really do.'' :''You both love me and I love both of you'' :''You both love me and I love both... of you.'' ===''Too Short to Ride''=== :''[Steven, Amethyst and Peridot are too short to ride the Appalachian ride; Peridot's hair makes her look taller, but Harold Smiley pushes it down, making her throw a tantrum and wave her fists]'' :'''Harold''': ''[laughs]'' Sorry, guys. Looks like this squad has some growing to do before you can ride. :'''Peridot''': I do ''not'' have to grow! This height is indicative of my rarity and importance! I demand entry, you ''CLOD!'' :'''Harold''': ''[clears throat]'' You kids want another lifetime ban? :'''Steven''': ''[nervously pulls Peridot away]'' No thanks, Mr. Smiley! :'''Amethyst''': Shorty Squad out. ===''The New Lars''=== :'''Steven''': Hey, Lars? why didn't you want to hang out with Sadie? :'''Lars''': I see her at work. Why do I need to see her on my day off? :'''Steven''': But aren't you gonna get married, and have kids, and name one of them after his uncle Steven? :'''Lars''': Oh, let me think…No. Me and Sadie ''aren't'' getting married. We aren't even dating. And if she thinks we are, that's her problem. :'''Steven''': You're lying. I know how you feel about Sadie. :'''Lars''': ''You'' don't know what you're talking about, so butt out! ''[walks off]'' Go annoy someone else. You little weirdo. :'''Steven''': Why can't you just admit you love her?! <hr width="50%"> :''[Lars (Steven) dresses himself up and heads downstairs into the kitchen, finding his parents, Martha and Dante, talking]'' :'''Martha''': No. We can do this, Dante. We have to talk to him. :'''Lars (Steven)''': Hi, there. :''[Martha and Dante turn around and notice him]'' :'''Dante''': Oh, there's our boy. How are you feeling? :'''Lars (Steven)''': ''[sits down at the table]'' Uh…taller? :'''Martha''': ''[places breakfast in front of him]'' Here you go. Oh, it's good to see you this morning, Laramie. :'''Lars (Steven)''': ''[smiling]'' Who's Laramie? :'''Martha''': I mean…Lars. ''[sits down next to her husband at the table]'' :'''Dante''': Now, Lars, we know school is a touchy subject, but we need to talk about this. ''[shows him his grade report]'' :'''Lars (Steven)''': ''[literally reading]'' "F-F-F-F-F-F-B-D-F." That doesn't spell anything. <hr width="50%"> :'''Lars''': ''[slowly getting up]'' Mmm… Huh? Sadie? ''[gasps in shock as he notices everyone looking at him]'' How did I get here?! ''[stands up, panicking]'' What are you all doing here?! :'''Sadie''': Lars, don't get mad. :'''Lars''': Huh?! :'''Sadie''': But Steven really didn't mean to… :'''Lars''': ''[furiously turns to Steven]'' '''''You!''''' What did you do?! :''[Jenny, Sour Cream, and Buck rush in front of him, defending Steven]'' :'''Steven''': ''[nervously]'' I spent the day… with my mind… in your body. :''[Lars gasps and screams in shock and disgust]'' :'''Jenny''': Whoa. Where's your chill? :'''Buck''': Buck is no longer pleased. :'''Martha''': I'm so sorry. He wasn't like this this morning. :'''Lars''': I was acting weird all day and you all just '''''LIKED''''' '''IT?!''' :'''Dante''': Please don't make a scene, Laramie. ===''Beach City Drift''=== :'''Steven''': They told me, "there wasn't enough room on the road for the universe." And I told them, "the universe ''is'' my road." <hr width=50% /> :''[Connie and Steven lie down on a car hood by the "It's a Wash" car wash at night; Steven grumpily sighs]'' :'''Connie''': Still mad about Kevin? :'''Steven''': '''Yes'''. :'''Connie''': Me too. ''[Steven sits up]'' :'''Steven''': You don't seem mad. :'''Connie''': ''[sits up]'' I'm thinking mad. I still feel like there's something big I want to say to him, you know? Something to make him think, like we're thinking. :'''Steven''': Yeah. Too bad we can't just... race against him—to use the first place ribbon to wipe that smug look off his face! :'''Connie''': But we're kids. Kids can't drive. That's against the law. :'''Steven''': We weren't kids when we met Kevin. :'''Connie''': ''[smirking]'' I smell what you're steppin' in. :'''Steven''': Ew. <hr width=50% /> :'''Kevin''': Feel like giving up yet? :'''Stevonnie''': Ugh! Why do you have to be such a jerk all the time?! ''[Kevin becomes sentimental]'' :'''Kevin''': The truth is, I don't mean to be this way. I-I just lash out because of my little brother. ''[inhales sharply, sighs]'' He's sick. Been sick all our lives. Sometimes I think if I act real cool and never let anyone see my pain, then maybe the pain will go away. And maybe... ''[covers face with his hand]'' I can take his pain away, too. :'''Stevonnie''': Kevin... I had no idea. :''[Kevin starts sniffling with his hand still on his face; he slowly starts laughing idiotically]'' :'''Kevin''': Dude! I don't even have a brother! I'm like this because I think it's funny! :'''Stevonnie''': '''URRRGH!!''' :'''Kevin''': Chowzers. ===''Restaurant Wars''=== ===''Alone at Sea''=== :''[amid the dark clouds, Steven sees Lapis on the stem of the boat staring at the ocean]'' :'''Steven''': Lapis? Um... I have some not-so-good news. There's trouble with the engine, and we might be stuck out here for a while. ''[Lapis sighs. He pauses]'' I'm so sorry! This whole thing is my fault. I just wanted you to have fun, but e-everything's a mess. I-I shouldn't have made you come on this trip. ''[Lapis then walks to the right]'' :'''Lapis''': It's my fault. I'm the one to blame. :'''Steven''': That's not true! :'''Lapis''': I'm really trying to enjoy it out here, but... I can't stop thinking about being fused as Malachite. How I used all my strength to hold her down in the ocean, and how I was always battling against Jasper to keep her bound to me. :'''Steven''': But it's not like that anymore. You don't have to be with Jasper. :'''Lapis''': That's not it. I... I miss her. :'''Steven''': ''[shocked]'' What?! :'''Lapis''': We were fused for so long. :'''Steven''': But... she's terrible! :'''Lapis''': ''I'm'' terrible! I did horrible things! I-I broke your dad's leg, I stole Earth's ocean! Go on! Tell me I'm wrong! ===''Greg the Babysitter''=== :''[Greg, Rose Quartz and baby Sour Cream lie down on the beach under a parasol]'' :'''Rose''': You wouldn't believe how long it took me to figure out that this and you are the same thing. :'''Greg''': ''[beat]'' What do you mean? :'''Rose''': You're both human! You have to admit, it's a little confusing. You're big and can talk, and he's small and can only make noises. How was I supposed to know you were the same species? :'''Greg''': ''[chuckles nervously]'' What? :'''Rose''': I know, it's silly. But then I started to notice that... you grow. :'''Greg''': Well, can't play guitar with little baby hands. :''[Rose giggles and then pauses for a moment]'' :'''Rose''': When a gem is made, it's for a reason. They burst out of the ground already knowing what they're supposed to be, and then... that's what they are. Forever. But you, you're supposed to change. You're never the same, even moment to moment—you're allowed and expected to invent who you are. What an incredible power... the ability to grow up. :'''Greg''': ''[pause]'' Wow. Those would make some pretty good lyrics. Hold on! Watch Sour Cream a second. ''[runs off]'' I gotta write this down! ===''Gem Hunt''=== :'''Connie''': So, why were there humanoid tracks out there? They weren't ours, and they weren't Pearl's... It couldn't have been the monster, unless it's just some {{w|Scooby-Doo|guy in a monster suit}}. But that kind of thing only happens in cartoons. Usually over a property dispute. <hr width=50%/> :'''Connie''': All we have to do is follow these tracks. ''[takes a handful of snow and tastes it]'' Yeah. These are fresh. We trail it until it stops to rest. :'''Steven''': Wow, Connie! You're a wilderness expert. :'''Connie''': Well, I like to be prepared. When civilization collapses and this world ends, I need to be ready to build the new one. :'''Steven''': Yeah. I guess if Homeworld invades Earth, things could get pretty crazy for humanity. :'''Connie''': Forget Gems! Humans are already starting their own demise! Peak oils, Steven! How do we handle terminal decline without alternate energy sources?! <hr width=50%> :'''Jasper''': ''[chuckles sinisterly]'' Hey, Rose, look what I got. ===''Crack the Whip''=== :'''Jasper''': ''[confronts Amethyst]'' I came here to fight Rose, not some runt! :'''Amethyst''': You think you can just keep showing up and picking fights with us? Hah! Why don't you get a '''life'''?!! :'''Jasper''': Fighting ''is'' my life! It's what I was made for! ''[points at her]'' It's what you were made for too, runt! :'''Amethyst''': So? I've got other stuff goin' on. I can fight JUST '''FINE!!''' ''[lashes her whip at Jasper, who catches it easily]'' :'''Jasper''': Well, then... let's see it! :''[she pulls Amethyst holding her whip, kicks her, spin-dashes her numerous times on the sand. She struggles to get up in front of Jasper]'' :'''Jasper''': You're not even trying. Is it because you know you're already a failure? ''[Amethyst looks up at her]'' You're a quartz soldier, just like me. But you're not like me, are you? :''[cut to show Steven, Connie and Lion fighting the corrupted gem monster; Jasper chuckles as Amethyst gets up]'' :'''Jasper''': You're small! ''[begins rapidly punching Amethyst, slamming her down; Steven sees them]'' :'''Steven''': Amethyst?! ''[the monster lunges its hand near them]'' :'''Jasper''': Are you that desperate for troops, Rose, that you keep a defect like this?! ''[Amethyst slowly stands up]'' :'''Amethyst''': Rose said... I'm perfect... the way I am! :'''Jasper''': Then she had low standards. ''[an enraged Amethyst charges at Jasper with her spin-dash]'' You... could've been me! ''[kicks Amethyst into the air, falls down as she watches Jasper face to face]'' And what are you instead? ''[Amethyst slams into the ground]'' :'''Connie/Steven''': Amethyst! ''[a badly bruised Amethyst looks back at Jasper]'' :'''Jasper''': Just a joke. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jasper''': ''[shocked to see Steven and Connie fused into Stevonnie]'' You fused?! :'''Stevonnie''': ''[catches Amethyst's gem]'' Whoa! I did! :'''Jasper''': You Crystal Gems would even fuse with a human?! :'''Stevonnie''': ''[facing Jasper]'' I don't wanna hear ANYTHING you say! ''[holds up Amethyst's gem]'' Unless it's "sorry." ===''Steven vs. Amethyst''=== :'''Steven''': ''[loses to Amethyst on "Lonely Blade" video game]'' That was crazy good, Amethyst! Nice job! :'''Amethyst''': Knock it off, Steven. I know you let me win. :'''Steven''': ''[stammers]'' Wha— ''me''? No, I— pfff... nooo... ''[Amethyst shuts TV off]'' :'''Amethyst''': You weren't even trying. :'''Steven''': I'm sorry. I just wanted you to feel better. :'''Amethyst''': Great, and now you're even more mature than me. :'''Steven''': Amethyst? :'''Amethyst''': You're supposed to be the rookie but now you're better than me at everything! ''[sighs]'' Now I'm the worst Crystal Gem. :'''Steven''': Wha-what? :'''Amethyst''': Ugh! ''[mutters]'' You know what I mean, Steven. :'''Steven''': Uhh, not really! I thought you guys ''wanted'' me to be strong. An-and now I am, and you're mad at me?! :'''Amethyst''': No! I get mad at myself! That's, ugh, the thing I do! I get mad at myself, and then it makes me suck at everything I do even more. :'''Steven''': ''[sighs]'' Amethyst, you don't suck. You do so many cool things. You have two whips. Two whips! And the dash thing? Amethyst, you're so much better than me! :'''Amethyst''': No way. You have Rose's shield, and bubble, and the floating thing, and— ''[grunts]'' I'd just be floating all day! :'''Steven''': Floating? I forget to use that half the time! And the rest of the time my powers aren't even guaranteed to work! I'm... I'm way worse than you! :'''Amethyst''': Nuh-uh! ''I'm'' the worst! :'''Steven''': No way, I am! I'll prove it! I'll-I'll fight you, and show you how bad I am! :'''Amethyst''': Fine! Let's do it!! :'''Both''': Let the worst gem lose!! <hr width=50% /> :''[Steven and Amethyst lie down on the floor for a beat, they start up laughing amongst themselves]'' :'''Steven''': What's wrong with us? ''[continues laughing]'' :'''Amethyst''': Well, I know what's wrong with me. I'm not supposed to be small. And everyone's always acting like there's no problem. "You can be anything you wanna be!" No, I can't! ''[sighs]'' I can't even be the one thing I'm supposed to be, you know? :'''Steven''': Of course I do. I'm... not Rose Quartz. :'''Amethyst''': ''[hits her face]'' Oh no! Oh, Steven— :'''Steven''': Why do you think I've been working so hard? :'''Amethyst''': Well... it's paying off. :'''Steven''': ''[chuckling, gets up]'' I sure hope so. :''[Amethyst sees Steven holding out his hand to her, smiles. She swings her arm but misses, laughing; she misses again before she finally catches his hand. She gets up and laughs with Steven]'' :'''Amethyst''': Thanks, Steven. ''[Pearl gasps in horror at the entrance]'' :'''Pearl''': What did you two do?! You've ruined the ruins! :'''Amethyst''': Whoops. :'''Steven''': I don't think we're gonna see the prize pouch for a while. ===''{{w|Bismuth (Steven Universe)|Bismuth}}''=== :''[Steven and the Gems take Bismuth to the strawberry battlefield]'' :'''Garnet''': Homeworld's final attack on Earth wiped out all of the Crystal Gems. :'''Pearl''': Rose was able to protect Garnet and myself, and by the looks of it, she was able to protect you as well. ''[Bismuth picks up a rusty battle-axe]'' :'''Bismuth''': I knew those Homeworld elites were twisted. How many of us did they shatter? Crazy Lace? Biggs?! Snowflake?! If I was there, I-'''I coulda stopped it!!''' :'''Garnet''': It's not like they've stopped trying. :'''Bismuth''': What's that? :'''Garnet''': Homeworld still has its eyes on this planet. :'''Pearl''': We continue to thwart their plans over and over. ''[Steven runs over followed by Amethyst]'' :'''Steven''': But they just keep coming back! :'''Amethyst''': Yep. They want us bad. :'''Bismuth''': Good. I thought I wouldn't get another chance to show those upper-crusts who's ''boss''! Let's show 'em what happens when you mess with the Crystal Gems! ''[slams battle-axe to the ground with a loud roar; Steven smiles]'' :'''Steven''': Yeah. <hr width=50% /> :'''Bismuth''': Rose Quartz changed my life. I came to Earth thinking this was just another colony. Build another arena for important fighters to fight in, build another spire for important thinkers to think in, and then I met her. Just another quartz soldier, made right here in the dirt, but she was different. And she was different because she decided to be. And she asked me what I wanted to build, and I'd never heard that before. And Gems never hear they can be anything other than what they are, but Rose opened our eyes. :'''Steven''': Everybody always tells me how great Mom was. I just don't feel like I can ever measure up to her. ''[Bismuth chuckles out loud]'' :'''Bismuth''': I can't believe this... that I'm the one giving the pep talk to Rose's... Rose's...? :'''Steven''': Son. :'''Bismuth''': Right. You are different. That's what's so exciting. You don't have to be like Rose Quartz. You can be someone even better. You can be you. And you know what? You deserve an even better weapon. <hr width=50% /> :''[Steven walks to a severely injured Bismuth holding the Breaking Point]'' :'''Steven''': Bismuth... this has to stop. :'''Bismuth''': So what are you gonna do, shatter me?! ''[grabs Breaking Point to her gemstone]'' Go ahead! <big>'''JUST ''DO IT''!!!'''</big> :'''Steven''': ..No! Even if we don't agree, nobody deserves this! ''[Bismuth pauses, yanks Breaking Point from Steven. He steps back, stops at Rose's sword, draws it out as Bismuth advances—SHING!!]'' :''[for a long beat, Steven sees Bismuth impaled holding Rose's sword]'' :'''Bismuth''': ..You shoulda shattered me back then. At least if I were in pieces, I wouldn't have to know how little I mattered to you. You didn't even tell 'em. You bubbled me away and didn't ever tell your friends... My friends... :'''Steven''': I'm going to tell them! I'm gonna tell them everything. ''[Bismuth takes in a surprise, chuckles in her tears]'' :'''Bismuth''': Then you really are better than her. ===''Beta''=== :''[Peridot and Lapis Lazuli are watching "Camp Pining Hearts" on the truck sticking out over the barn's entrance]'' :'''Percy''': ''[in the show]'' But Paulette, I need you! :'''Peridot''': Oh, get over it, Percy. Go make another friendship bracelet. :'''Lapis''': Seriously. <hr width=50% /> :'''Steven''': Wow, you guys are looking good. And I love what you did to the barn! :'''Peridot''': Aww, I know. But wait, wait - you guys ''have'' to see the inside! Lapis, fly us in! :'''Lapis''': ''[smiling]'' Nnnno. <hr width=50% /> :''[Inside the barn]'' :'''Amethyst''': You did all this stuff on purpose? Like, you didn't just knock over a bunch of paint cans and go, "Eh, just leave it"? :'''Peridot''': Oh, no. This was all very intentional. You see, I had this idea: What if we made music, but instead of sounds, we use things! :'''Amethyst''': That's dumb. :'''Steven''': Guys, that's art! :'''Peridot''': Art? That sounds ridiculous! :'''Lapis''': I've been calling it "meepmorp". :'''Peridot''': Let us show you our... morps. ''[chuckles]'' :''[She shows them something made from her broken recorder, some cassettes and a blue ribbon]'' :'''Peridot''': This piece is called "Wow, thanks". It represents the struggles of intercommunication. The tape is the ribbon that binds our experience on Earth together. It has no functional purpose! It just makes me feel bad! ''[smiles proudly]'' :''[Lapis shows them a baseball bat, mitt and ball hanging from a stick by string]'' :'''Lapis''': Here's my meepmorp. This is a baseball bat. It reminds me of when I played baseball. ''[walks backwards to a leaf sitting on a rock]'' This is a leaf that Steven gave me. It reminds me of the time Steven... gave me a leaf. :'''Steven''': Hey, yeah, it reminds me of that too! ''[Peridot grins; Amethyst looks nauseated]'' :''[Next is a TV with two mirrors attached, playing Percy in ''Camp Pining Hearts'' saying "I just feel trapped" over and over]'' :'''Steven''': ''[worried]'' Is this one about... the thousands of years you spent trapped in the mirror? :'''Lapis''': No. I just really like that show. <hr width=50% /> :'''Peridot''': Wow, Amethyst doesn't seem to understand morons at all. :'''Steven''': No, ''[sighs]'' it's something else. Amethyst found out she's supposed to be just like Jasper. :'''Peridot''': Meh? :'''Steven''': Jasper took her down in a fight, and now, she's obsessed with getting a rematch, to prove she's good enough. :'''Peridot''': Hmm. Amethyst, Ams, Big A. ''You'' are ''way'' better than Jasper! :'''Amethyst''': What? Oh. ''[to Steven]'' What did you tell her? :'''Steven''': I, uh… :'''Peridot''': What are you even doing comparing yourself to her? Oh, Amethyst, that's ridiculous. I should call you "Ridiculousthyst." ''[laughs]'' I mean, seriously, Amethyst and Jasper are ''completely'' different Quartzes. Sure, you're both from Earth, but your Kindergartners are ''radically'' different. :'''Steven''': What? Hold-- Hold on. What?! :'''Amethyst''': We're both from Earth? :'''Peridot''': Well, sure. Amethyst, you're from the Prime Kindergarten in Facet 5. ''She's'' from the ''Beta'' Kindergarten, in Facet 9. Have you ''seen'' that place? :'''Amethyst''': No! :'''Peridot''': Oh. Well, maybe you should, so you could see how the other half was made… Poorly! ''[laughs]'' No, seriously. Let's go. You'll get a kick out of this. <hr width=50% /> :'''Peridot''': Here we are, Jasper's origin-- the Beta Kindergarten. :'''Steven''': Am I underwhelmed? It's pretty bright out here. :'''Amethyst''': It's red. :'''Peridot''': No kidding. Red sandstone! Ha! This is what I'm talking about. We're lucky this place hasn't blown away. Beta, am I right? :'''Steven''': ''[laughs]'' That's a math joke, right? :'''Peridot''': Come on. It gets worse. I mean, this place has got the right growing conditions in a pinch, I guess, but it's too small! It was obviously a total rush job. :'''Steven''': A rush job? :'''Peridot''': Halfway through the rebellion, Homeworld scrambled to generate extra soldiers on the ground. Look at this-- the holes don't even line up! ''[scoffs]'' It's like they just threw injectors down wherever. Oh, and that one? This Carnelian came out sideways. How could she not? The walls are curved! ''[laughs]'' What a joke. <hr width=50% /> :'''Peridot''': What you want to see is a vertical alignment; no angle in the exit; a clean, strong silhouette. None of these holes come close! :'''Amethyst''': What about that one? :''[They look up at Jasper's big exit hole]'' :'''Peridot''': Jasper. :'''Steven''': ''This'' is Jasper's hole? :'''Amethyst''': It's huge! :'''Peridot''': Oh, come on. We already know she's tall. Let's take a closer look. ===''Earthlings''=== :'''Jasper''': Pipe down! You take orders from me now! You used to be a Quartz too, didn't you? What happened to you? Tch. Disgraceful. I can't believe I've resorted to recruiting you freaks! You're almost as bad as that Crystal ''runt''! Just look at you. This planet ruins everything! Well, (''chuckles'') except for me. <hr width=50% /> :'''Jasper''': Every Gem is made for a purpose—to serve the order of the Diamonds. Those who cannot fit inside this order must be purged! To come out misshapen, to reshape yourself outside your purpose, and to defend this worthless, ruined planet is a disgrace! <hr width=50% /> :''[Steven throws his shield over a towering Injector; Amethyst backs away from Jasper as it falls between them]'' :'''Amethyst''': Steven... I-I can't win. No matter what I do, no matter how hard I work, she came out right, and I came out... wrong. :'''Steven''': That's just what Jasper thinks! She's the only one who thinks you should be like her! :'''Amethyst''': But— :'''Steven''': Stop trying to be like Jasper. You're ''nothing'' like Jasper! You're like ''me''!! Because we're both not like anybody! And yeah, it sucks! ''[Jasper lifts up the Injector and throws it aside]'' But at least I've got you. And you've got me! ''[tearing up]'' So stop leaving me out of this! :'''Amethyst''': Us worse Gems stick together... ''[sniffles]'' right? ''[Steven holds out his hand]'' :'''Steven''': That's why we're the best. :''[Amethyst takes his hand, and they hug - and fuse]'' :'''Smoky Quartz''': What a ''BEAUTIFUL'' DAY! :'''Jasper''': Huh?! Who are you supposed to be?! <hr width=50% /> :''[After briefly fusing with a corrupted Gem, the corruption spreads slowly in Jasper's left arm]'' :'''Peridot''': Eww, that's disgusting! :'''Smoky Quartz''': It's... corruption. ''[separates back into Steven and Amethyst]'' :'''Amethyst''': Steven, be careful. :'''Steven''': But this just happened - maybe I can do something! Jasper, it's okay. I'm here. ''[starts approaching her]'' :'''Jasper''': ''[snarling]'' Rose... :'''Steven''': I'm not Rose, I'm Steven. I just wanna try and heal you. ''[licks his palm and reaches for her - but she slashes at him, tearing his shirt]'' :'''Amethyst''': Steven!! :''[Peridot unsuccessfully tries to mentally move the metal rod again]'' :'''Steven''': ''[as Amethyst tries to charge at Jasper]'' Stop! :'''Jasper''': ''[chuckles]'' I see how you do it now, Rose... You want Gems after they're worthless. You wait until after they've lost! Because when you're at the bottom... you'll follow ''anyone'' that makes you feel like less of a failure. ''[as Peridot rushes over]'' Huh... Just look at this one! You've stripped her of everything! Her limb enhancers, her status, her dignity... :'''Peridot''': I still have one of those things. :'''Jasper''': ''How can you side with Rose Quartz?!'' Why? Why protect this useless shell of a planet?! :'''Peridot''': It's not a shell. There's so much life, living here. ''[smiling]'' That's what ''I'm'' doing! I'm living here! I've been learning new things about myself all the time! Like how I can make metal do my bidding! ''[tries to show this off, but the rod just falls behind her]'' The point being: Earth can set you free. ''[Steven smiles]'' :'''Jasper''': ''[angrily, as the corruption spreads rapidly in her body]'' Earth... is a prison! I got out because I'm better than this place...! :'''Steven''': It's getting worse. :'''Jasper''': I only came back to finish you off...! :'''Steven''': Try not to move! :'''Jasper''': ''You can't manipulate me, Rose Quartz!'' :'''Steven''': I-- I'm not manipulating! I'm trying to help! :'''Jasper''': Help...? ''HELP?!'' I've been fighting from the second I broke free of the Earth's crust! Because of what ''YOU'' did to my colony! Because of what '''YOU''' did to my planet! Because of what '''YOU''' did to my Diamond! :'''Steven''': ''[confsed]'' I... Yellow Diamond? :'''Jasper''': Wha...?! ''MY'' DIAMOND! ''YOUR'' DIAMOND! <big>'''''PINK DIAMOND!!!'''''</big> :''[Her corruption worsening, Jasper becomes barely recognizable and looks ready to attack; Peridot finally gets the metal rod to move, plunging it into Jasper and making her poof]'' :'''Peridot''': ''[after a brief silence]'' You're... welcome. :'''Amethyst''': ''[smiles, then walks over to Jasper's gem and sighs]'' Come here, sis. ''[bubbles her]'' ===''Back to the Moon''=== :''[the Rubies walk up the moon base stairway followed by Amethyst (as Jasper), Pearl, Garnet and Steven]'' :'''"Eyeball" Ruby''': The Earth was Pink Diamond's colony. Everything was going smoothly at first. Kindergartens were incubating their first soldiers—big, warm pieces of quartz, like this mountain over here—were being created from its rich minerals with great success. Then, bam! One of Pink Diamond's very own quartz soldiers started a rebellion and took it too far. Where were you when that happened? :'''Amethyst''': Oh, you know... around. ''["Eyeball" turns to Amethyst]'' :'''"Eyeball" Ruby''': I was there. I saw it with my own eye. I watched the leader of the Crystal Gems, Rose Quartz... ''[projects her light on the mural]'' shatter Pink Diamond! :''[Steven looks up in his horror; Garnet is frozen still for a beat, Pearl starts shivering in fear]'' :'''Steven''': No... ''[beat]'' Rose Quartz w-would never do that! ''[tearing up]'' A-And, sure, she had to fight but... But she would never shatter someone! ===''Bubbled''=== :''[Steven (in his bubble) and "Eyeball" Ruby drift in space far away from the Earth]'' :'''Steven''': There goes the Earth. :'''"Eyeball" Ruby''': There goes my whole platoon! ''[growls at him]'' This is a mess! ''[walks around his bubble]'' What'll I say about my report?! How will I even ''make'' my report?! This is a nightmare! ''[looks down at him]'' And this is all ''your'' fault. :'''Steven''': Whoa, hey, no it's not! You were trying to hurt my friends! :'''"Eyeball" Ruby''': But you opened the airlock in the moon base. ''You'' sent us flying into space with no hope of ever returning! :'''Steven''': ''[long pause]'' Okay, so maybe that was my fault. I'm sorry. There! Are you happy? :'''"Eyeball" Ruby''': No! Lucky you're in that bubble, or I'd pop you right in the face. :'''Steven''': Well, if you're going to be a grump about it, then we can just float in silence until we both die! :'''"Eyeball" Ruby''': Sounds great! :'''Steven''': Fine! :'''"Eyeball" Ruby''': I can't wait!! :'''Steven''': Me neither! <hr width=50% /> :'''"Eyeball" Ruby''': When I heard rumors there might still be Crystal Gems on Earth, I couldn't believe it. A thousand years of fighting were all for nothing! And Rose Quartz might still be alive? ''[scoffs, rolls on her side]'' She must be. Why else would someone as important as Jasper be back on Earth? For closure, that's why. I wanted it, too. I wanted to see Rose Quartz with my own eye. At the very least, I thought Jasper might have some answers, but... it wasn't even her. Just another trick. <hr width=50% /> :'''Steven''': How come nobody told me about Pink Diamond? :'''Garnet''': We all did what we had to during the war. Everything's different now. :'''Steven''': But did Mom really do it? Did she really... shatter her? :'''Garnet''': She had to. The Earth belonged to Pink Diamond. Destroying her was the only way to save the planet. For Amethyst to be herself, for Pearl to be free, for me to be together. ''[clutches her hand]'' For you to exist. :'''Steven''': But I thought... a-at least she'd never— :'''Garnet''': She didn't always do what was best for her. But she always did what was best for Earth. :'''Steven''': Even... if it meant shattering someone? :'''Garnet''': Yes. :''[Steven pauses, takes a deep breath and sighs as the Gems pilot the Rubies' Roaming Eye back to Earth]'' :'''Steven''': Thanks for telling me. [[Category:Steven Universe seasons]] tw2tachd5a00ks6kbbeg34y0hljvmhr 3153118 3153115 2022-08-10T02:52:15Z 162.197.99.132 /* The New Lars */ wikitext text/x-wiki ---- :'''Seasons:''' [[Steven Universe (season 1)|1]] [[Steven Universe (season 2)|2]] [[Steven Universe (season 3)|3]] [[Steven Universe (season 4)|4]] [[Steven Universe (season 5)|5]] | [[Steven Universe: The Movie|Film]] | [[Steven Universe Future|Future]] | [[Steven Universe|Main]] ---- {{italic title}} The following is a list of quotes from the third season of ''[[Steven Universe]]''. ===''Super Watermelon Island''=== :'''Peridot''': Didn't you feel that? :'''Amethyst''': Feel what? :'''Peridot''': The ground shook! This could be the start of the emergence of the Cluster. Stage 1: Slight tremors every quarter hour. Stage 2: Full-scale earthquakes. Stage 3: ''[flips the board that shows a drawn picture of the Earth being destroyed with words that say: '''"CLUSTER EMERGES BYE BYE EARTH"''']'' The Earth is destroyed! We're running out of time! We need to drill, right now! :'''Steven''': No, it's Malachite! :'''Garnet, Amethyst, & Pearl''': Malachite?! :'''Peridot''': What? :'''Steven''': I was on Mask Island. I was in a watermelon Steven. They have a lovely community, but Malachite, she was there! :''[Amethyst coughs out a bite of her sandwich sub]'' :'''Garnet''': Lapis Lazuli is losing control. Soon, Jasper will overpower her and Malachite will be loose. :'''Pearl''': Who knows what sort of destruction an unstable fusion like Malachite could cause? <hr width=50% /> :'''Peridot''': ''[sitting on mattress with Steven]'' So, Lazuli has Jasper trapped in a fusion? You're joking me. :'''Steven''': It's true! But Lapis must be getting tired from fighting Jasper for so long. :'''Peridot''': Just being on a ship with Jasper made me tired. ''[the ground starts trembling, Steven shouts]'' :'''Steven''': Ahh! I gotta help them! But they told me it was too dangerous. :'''Peridot''': Why don't you just disobey them? They rebel. Isn't that like, your guys's thing? :'''Steven''': Ah! You're right! Oh, I know! I'll fall asleep and go into a watermelon Steven again! This way, I can help them and be safe at the same time. ''[chuckles sinisterly, falls asleep]'' :'''Peridot''': Wow. You are a real anarchist. :'''Steven''': No one can tell ''me'' what to do. ''[snores]'' :'''Peridot''': Wait! What do I do now? Don't just leave me here! ''[sighs deeply]'' <hr width=50% /> :'''Malachite''': Give up! ''[breaks free of water chains, sighs]'' I'm impressed. You really held out. :'''Alexandrite''': <big>'''''MALACHITE!!!'''''</big> :'''Malachite''': ''[gasps]'' They're here! ''[starts groaning, snaps out]'' Stop! Pathetic. Don't you see? We've been holding us back for too long, and for what? If we're going to be this thing together, why don't we have some fun? :'''Alexandrite''': '''We don't have to fight!! You're outnumbered.''' ''[Malachite grins, raises two huge water-arms]'' :'''Malachite''': I may be outnumbered, but you're out of your depth. I can't wait to tear you Gems apart! :'''Alexandrite''': <big><big>'''''RAAAAHHH!!!!'''''</big></big> <hr width=50% /> :'''Alexandrite''': Hey! Don't forget about me! ''[pulls Malachite in towards her and punches her; then turns Sugilite's flail into Sardonyx's war-hammer and launches Malachite in the sky; turns the war-hammer into Opal's bow and arrow again]'' You two should spend some time apart. <hr width=50% /> :''[the Gems and watermelon Stevens hold on as strong earthquakes tremble up Mask Island]'' :'''Garnet''': It must be the Cluster! Peridot was right! ''[to a watermelon Steven]'' Steven, it's up to you! The warp was destroyed, we won't make it back in time! Wake up! Get Peridot and start drilling! The Earth needs you, Steven! We'll be fine! You can do this. ''[Pearl and Amethyst join her]'' We believe in you. :''[the crying watermelon Steven nods and closes its eyes as the Gems slowly fade to black]'' :'''Amethyst''': You got this, dude! You know the drill. :'''Pearl''': Be careful, Steven! Watch each other's backs. :'''Garnet''': And Steven... we love you. ===''Gem Drill''=== :'''Peridot''': ''[being shaken next to drill]'' If you're done just lying there, maybe it's about time that we ''STOP THE WORLD FROM ENDING!'' Where are the others?! :'''Steven''': They're stuck on Mask Island! We have to drill without them! :'''Peridot''': Ugh! Am I the only one who understands the meaning of teamwork?! ''[Steven comes up, and she grips his shoulders]'' Okay. Steven, are you ready to drill down into the planet, to depths never before reached by your species, to stop the Cluster before it forms and save your world?! :'''Steven''': I don't know! :'''Peridot''': Don't say that! Say we'll do it together and it's gonna be great! :'''Steven''': We're gonna do it together and it's gonna be great! :'''Peridot''': ''Liar!'' :''[Peridot and Steven then scamper into the drill's cockpit as the ground continues to shake]'' :'''Peridot''': Ready or not, we have a mission. <hr width=50%/> :''[Inside the drill]'' :'''Steven''': All right, bracing for impact! :'''Peridot''': It's actually two more hours to the Cluster. :'''Steven''': Oh. Wish I'd brought some tunes. :''[Looking annoyed, Peridot presses a button, making some quiet music play]'' :'''Steven''': Uh, thanks. ''[short silence; starts to look nervous]'' It's kinda... freaky down here, huh? :'''Peridot''': Why's that? :'''Steven''': It's just dark, and cramped, ''[shuddering]'' and, uh... I can't even... uh, stretch out. ''[they are both disturbed by a brief rumbling]'' How'd you think you were gonna get everyone in here anyway? :'''Peridot''': I don't know. They'd... shrink or something. <hr width=50%/> :''[As it appears that the Cluster will take form and destroy the Earth]'' :'''Peridot''': ''[terrified]'' Steven, I'm sorry I couldn't save you, or the billions of other lifeforms who matter far, far less to me! Do you have any last words?! :'''Steven''': ''[hugging her]'' I love you, Peridot. :'''Peridot''': ''[emotionally]'' Wow... .thanks... ''[hugs him back]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''The Cluster''': Want to stay... But... Can't stop! Going to form! Can't stop! Going to form! Help! Help! Help! <hr width=50%/> :''[After Steven helps the Cluster bubble itself]'' :'''Peridot''': ''[hugging him]'' You did it! :'''Steven''': We did it together. And it was great. :''[The other Gems arrive, with an unconscious Lapis]'' :'''Steven''': Guys! You're back! I-is Lapis okay? :'''Garnet''': She'll be fine. :'''Pearl''': ''[concerned]'' You look happy! Uh, did you destroy the Cluster? :'''Steven''': No, I talked to it. :'''Pearl''': What? :'''Steven''': It doesn't want to destroy the Earth. It just wants company. And it's got it now! It's like a bajillion people! They'll have lots of time to get to know each other, now that they're in a bubble. :'''Pearl''': ''[utterly astonished]'' How on ''Earth'' did you bubble that ''whole thing?!'' :'''Steven''': We had a little help. :''[The Cluster is shown again, still peacefully contained in its bubble]'' ===''Same Old World''=== :'''Lapis''': For a moment, I really felt like things were different... but they're not. No matter where I go, I'm trapped. :'''Steven''': But you're not. You're not underwater. You're not in a mirror. This time, you're free! :'''Lapis''': But I'm still on Earth! :'''Steven''': Yeah, but nothing is still on Earth. Everything's always changing—the leaves, the cities... even Jersey changes. My dad says the rest stops used to be pretty gross, but now they have sushi! This isn't the same world that held you prisoner - not anymore. And I know it doesn't feel like home, but maybe that can change too. I know you can't go back to Homeworld, but if you stay here, it'll be your choice to stay here. :'''Lapis''': It's funny... For all the time I spent on Earth, I barely saw any of it. :'''Steven''': That's not funny. That's super sad. ===''Barn Mates''=== :'''Peridot''': And then I'll say, "Hey, as one refugee to another, it isn't so bad that we can't go back to Homeworld, am I right? Why don't we watch the sun come up and figure out what we're going to do with all this time, eh Lazuli?" And then she'll say, "Yes Peridot, as impressed I was by you on the ship, I am even more impressed with your new compact look and capacity for friendship! I'm so glad we're going to live together!" Peridot, Facet 5. (''ends her log'') Let's begin. :'''Lapis''': ''[amused]'' This isn't gonna work. :'''Peridot''': Wait, what? :'''Lapis''': I really thought I would be living alone here. :'''Steven''': Yeah, but this is even better! Oh here, how about this? I saw this on an episode of a TV show! I didn't see how it ended, but I'm sure it worked out right. We'll divide this place in half, you'll both have your own space. (''takes out a marker from his left pocket and opens the cap; divides the barn into 2 non-equal parts using the marker'') High ceilings, real wood floors, convenient location on the heart of the country. So what do you think, roomies? :'''Peridot''': I like the cut of your gem, Steven Quartz! :'''Lapis''': No. No way! :'''Peridot''': What's the problem? You're the one getting all the good stuff! You've got the propeller and paint cans on your side! You can do tons with those! oooh, actually, I want the paint cans - you wanna trade something? :'''Lapis''': I don't care about paint cans. That's not the problem. :'''Peridot''': Bah... :'''Steven''': What's wrong, Lapis? :'''Lapis''': It's ''her''. :'''Peridot''': Egh?! :'''Lapis''': ''She's'' the problem. I can't stand the thought of looking at her everyday. She's the one who dragged me back to Earth. :'''Peridot''': Hey, it wasn't my idea! I was headed to earth and I needed an informant! It should have been a simple mission. Things didn't exactly work out for either of us. :'''Lapis''': You used me like everyone else did! :'''Peridot''': But it's not like that anymore! It's different now - I'M different! :'''Steven''': It's true, Lapis! Peridot has really come into her own since she's been living on Earth. :'''Peridot''': I sabotaged my own mission! I helped save the Earth, I even yelled at Yellow Diamond! She's probably sending a whole fleet to find me and shatter me right now! I'm kind of a big deal; a big Anti-Homeworld Deal! :'''Lapis''': Steven, I don't think this is gonna work. :'''Steven''': Ahhhh, ummmm, maybe we could put up a curtain? (''Lapis gives him a patient smile, but walks out of the barn and flies to the top of the Silo; to Peridot'') Sorry. Thought this was gonna be okay. I forgot the last time you saw each other.. wasn't, so okay. :'''Peridot''': That was in the ''past''! It's not like that now! UGHHHH! :'''Steven''': I know. :'''Peridot''': But obviously she doesn't! She's the one who needs to know! I want ''her'' to understand! :'''Steven''': Aw Peridot, that's sweet! That's the you you need to show her! :'''Peridot''': ''[confused]'' Show her my ''sweet''? :'''Steven''': I got you. <hr width=50%/> :'''Peridot''': ''[hands Lapis the letter]'' Steven did the outside, and I did the inside. :'''Lapis''': ''[opens the letter with an unimpressed look; reading]'' '''"Sorry I interrogated you. You were just full of such useful information. That's a sincere compliment. Peridot."''' <hr width=50%/> :'''Peridot''': ''[on a rubber ring in a miniature lake]'' H-two-oh my gosh. It's a smaller than an average lake! :'''Steven''': It's from the hole we drilled. Peridot and I sealed it and filled it with water. ''[Lapis pauses for a beat]'' :'''Peridot''': It's a gift for you. You know, 'cause like water's your thing? ''[snickers]'' Pretty good right? The barn's out here in the country, but now you can get your moisture fix whenever. Do all that water stuff you do. :'''Lapis''': ..Water? Seriously? :'''Peridot''': Yeah! :'''Lapis''': You do realize that I spent the last few months trapped under the ocean, right? :'''Peridot''': Sure! But, I thought— :'''Lapis''': It was an endless, crushing darkness. Wet and bleak and suffocating. Water was the tomb I lived in for those months. :'''Peridot''': ''[queasy and terrified]'' Tomb, you say? :'''Lapis''': Yeah. I'm kinda taking a break from water right now. ''[beat]'' But thanks…for the lake. :'''Steven''': ''[grimaces]'' Uhh… :'''Peridot''': Urrgh… :'''Lapis''': Don't worry, Steven. It's not your fault. <hr width=50%/> :'''Peridot''': A pool! What a cloddy idea. Of course she wouldn't like that. There's nothing! Nothing! Nothing! :'''Steven''': There has to be something. Something, something. Maybe, instead of something ''she'' likes, give her something ''you'' like. A piece of you! :'''Peridot''': Um…okay. How about my ''Camp Pining Hearts'' DVD? :'''Steven''': Which season? :'''Peridot''': Five? :'''Steven''': Trash. :'''Peridot''': I know! Ugh! ''[falls onto the ground with her back; speaks into the tape recorder]'' Log Date- whatever. Facet- whatever! WHATEVER! Clearly there's nothing important enough for me to give to Lazuli. At least I have you, tape recorder. <hr width=50%/> :'''Peridot''': Here. I'll unwrap it for you. When I was stuck here, Steven gave me this tape recorder as a gift, and I didn't really get at first, but it made me feel better. Just to talk about all the weird stuff that was happening. It'll help you too. ''[gives the recorder to Lapis]'' You, uh, press the button to record, and then you talk into it. :'''Lapis''': ''[speaks into the tape recorder]'' I don't want your garbage. ''[raises the tape recorder up, crushes it, and drops it onto the ground]'' :'''Peridot''': GUH! What, were you trapped in a tape recorder, too?! ''[Lapis glares enraged at her; frustrated]'' Look, I get it, you know? You're confused. You can never go back to Homeworld. This place doesn't exactly feel like home yet. You're alone! No one could ''possibly'' know what that feels like! Oh, wait, ''I'' do! We're the same! Except… ''[calms down]'' you don't have to be alone. So, tell me, then, what you want from me. And whatever that is… ''[sighs]'' I'll do it. :'''Lapis''': ''[scowling]'' I want you… TO LEAVE! :'''Peridot''': ''[visibly hurt]'' Okay. ''[starts walking away]'' :'''Steven''': Lapis, why are you being so mean to her? She's really trying. :'''Lapis''': Why do you trust her, Steven? :'''Steven''': Because I know her! Lapis, you're not even giving her a chance. You should have at least gotten to know her before you decided you don't like her. Now it's too late. And she's never coming back again. ''[He and Lapis see Peridot running towards them while screaming]'' Oh, she's coming back again. ===''Hit the Diamond''=== :''[Five Rubies have arrived on Earth; Steven and the Gems hide in the barn]'' :'''Steven''': Whoa, look at 'em all. :'''Peridot''': ''[scared]'' I knew it! They're after me! This is the end of the line! :'''Lapis''': You really weren't kidding. :'''Peridot''': I disobeyed a direct order from Yellow Diamond, and I called her a clod…to her face. :'''Pearl''': Oh, honestly, you call ''everyone'' a clod. :'''Peridot''': Yes. But not everyone has command over all the armies of Homeworld waiting for the word to ''shatter me!'' ''[hides under a box]'' :'''Steven''': Peridot! We won't let them get you. ''[lifts the box, revealing Peridot curling up sadly]'' :'''Peridot''': Haven't I caused you enough trouble? :'''Garnet''': Don't worry, Peridot. It's our sworn duty to protect anything that calls this planet home, and that includes clods like you. :'''Peridot''': ''[quietly]'' That's ''my'' word… :'''Garnet''': Listen up, everyone. I have a plan. Or should I say… ''[holds up her hands]'' ''We'' have a plan? ''[giggles as she unfuses, separating into Ruby and Sapphire]'' :'''Sapphire''': Hello, everyone. :'''Pearl & Amethyst''': Ruby! Sapphire! :'''Steven''': ''[runs over and hugs them both]'' Hugs! :'''Sapphire''': Hello, Steven! <hr width=50%/> :''[Disguised as a human baseball team]'' :'''Steven''': We're the humans! Steven! :'''Pearl''': Earl! :'''Amethyst''': Amy! :'''Lapis''': ''[apathetically]'' Bob. :'''Sapphire''': ''[flirtatiously]'' And Sophie... :''[Saspphire's Ruby blushes]'' <hr width=50%/> :''[After a baseball bat is accidentally destroyed, Steven goes to get a replacement from the barn]'' :'''Peridot''': ''[hiding in the barn]'' Hey, how's it going? Are we winning? :'''Steven''': ''[nervously]'' Ummm, heh-heh... :'''Ruby''': ''[standing behind Sapphire, guiding her with a bat]'' Now, what you wanna do is lean with your hips. ''[Sapphire swings the bat]'' Yeah, that's pretty good. Let me show you again. :''["Eyeball" Ruby watches them, then glares at Steven]'' :'''Steven''': ''[sweating]'' Well, heh... We're doing just fine. ''[heading back to the field]'' Everything's going to be A-okay... :'''Peridot''': YOU'RE LYING TO ME! :'''Steven''': To make you feel better! :'''Peridot''': THANK YOU! <hr width=50%/> :''[After Ruby and Sapphire accidentally refuse into Garnet after the baseball game]'' :'''Garnet''': ''[laughs joyously for a moment]'' ... Whoops. :'''"Doc" Ruby''': ''[angrily]'' THEY'RE GEMS! :'''"Army" Ruby''': ''[also angrily]'' WE'VE BEEN TRICKED! :'''"Navy" Ruby''': ''[in quiet awe]'' What a turn of events... :'''"Eyeball" Ruby''': ''[growls]'' :'''"Leggy" Ruby''': ''[confused]'' Huh? W-what? :'''Garnet''': ''[to the other Crystal Gems]'' Sorry, guys. The game is over. :'''"Doc" Ruby''': That's it! Rubies... COMBINE! :''[The five Rubies fuse into a giant Ruby and roar]'' :'''Peridot''': ''WAAAAAAIIIIIIIT!!'' WAIT! STOP! DON'T HURT THEM! ''[rushes out of the barn, trips twice, and runs the rest of the way on all fours, panting]'' Wait, oh please, please! It's ''me'' you're after, right? I'm not gonna stand by and let my friends fight my battles! :'''Steven''': Awww, Peri loves us! :'''Ruby Fusion''': Are you the Peridot assigned to the failed Earth mission? :'''Peridot''': ''[nervously]'' Not sure if "failed" would be the right word to-- :'''Ruby Fusion''': Where is Jasper?! :'''Peridot''': You're looking for... Jasper? :'''Ruby Fusion''': Correct! :'''Peridot''': Wait - but I'm the one who betrayed the mission! Who called Yellow Diamond a clod! The new leader of the Crystal Gems?! :'''Pearl''': What? :'''Ruby Fusion''': Tell us where Jasper is! ''NOW!'' :'''Peridot''': Jasper... umm... we know where Jasper is! ''[Pearl nervously shakes her head]'' :'''Ruby Fusion''': ''WELL?!'' :'''Peridot''': Uhhhhh.... :'''Steven''': ''[pointing to the sky]'' Neptune! She's on the planet Neptune! :'''Ruby Fusion''': ''[stares at them suspiciously for a moment, then smiles and shrugs]'' Well, why didn't you say so? :''[Steven sighs in relief, and the Rubies unfuse]'' :'''"Doc" Ruby''': We all here? One, two, three, four, aaaaand... HA! Five. ''[points to herself]'' To the planet Neptune! :'''"Army" Ruby''': Let's move out, soldiers! :'''"Navy" Ruby''': ''[dreamily]'' What a lovely sounding planet... :'''"Leggy" Ruby''': But we just... got here. :'''"Doc" Ruby''': ''[dragging "Leggy" along]'' Let's go, newbie! :'''"Eyeball" Ruby''': ''[glares at the Gems for a moment, then speaks in a strained voice]'' Thank you... :''[The Rubies re-enter their space pod and zip into space at hyperspeed]'' :'''Amethyst''': Man... Rubies are ''dumb''. :'''Garnet''': ''[Star iris closes in on Garnet's face as she smiles]'' Not all of them. ===''Steven Floats''=== :''[Steven jumps higher into the sky while a Dhawar Airlines airplane passes by]'' :'''Air Hostess''': ''[inside]'' The captain has turned on the seat belt sign. Looks like we got some boys in the sky ahead of us. <hr width=50%/> :''[Amethyst walks to the front door before looking at Steven up high in the sky]'' :'''Amethyst''': Wait, can Steven fly? Yeah, I think I remember that. ''[enters house and closes front door; comes running back outside seconds later]'' No, no, I'm thinking of Lapis! Hey, Steven!! How did you learn how to fly?! :'''Steven''': Amethyst! Go get help! :'''Amethyst''': ''Whaaaaat?!!'' :'''Steven''': Ugh, she can't hear me. :'''Amethyst''': ''[jumps up high]'' Hey, Air Steve! :'''Steven''': Amethyst, I need you to... ''[she falls back down]'' Dang, too slow. Better ask quicker. :'''Amethyst''': ''[jumps up again]'' What'd you say? :'''Steven''': I could really use your assistance dealing with the sudden appearance ''[she falls down]''—aw, rats! ''[she jumps up again; Steven continues]'' —of a power previously was unbeknownst to me ''[she falls]'' which I can't control... Um... ''[she jumps up again, annoyed]'' :'''Amethyst''': Dude, summarize! :'''Steven''': Go get Garnet! ===''Drop Beat Dad''=== ===''{{w|Mr. Greg}}''=== :'''Greg''': ''Bright sunny day don't cost nothing'' :''Light summer breeze don't cost nothing'' :''What do I do with all this money'' :''When the only thing I want is you?'' :''Palling around don't cost nothing'' :''Singing a song don't cost nothing'' :''How do I spend all this money?'' :''I'd rather just spend time with you.'' :'''Steven''': ''You could buy a house and a car'' :'''Greg''': ''I guess that I can but I've already got a van'' :''I could put you through college'' :'''Steven''': But I'm with the Gems all the time! :'''Greg''': ''Or I could buy you all the finest courses online.'' :'''Steven''': What if we took a trip? :'''Greg''': Do you think? :'''Steven''': Yeah, I do! ''We could take a vacation'' :''We could go somewhere new!'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Pearl''': ''I was fine with the men'' :''Who would come into her life now and again'' :''I was fine 'cause I knew'' :''That they didn't really matter until you.'' :''I was fine when you came'' :''And we fought like it was all some silly game'' :''Over her, who she'd choose'' :''After all those years, I never thought I'd lose.'' :''It's over, isn't it, isn't it, isn't it over?'' :''It's over, isn't it, isn't it, isn't it over?'' :''You won and she chose you, and she loved you and she's gone'' :''It's over, isn't it, why can't I move on?'' <hr width=25% /> :''War and glory, reinvention'' :''Fusion, freedom, her attention'' :''Out in daylight, my potential'' :''Bold, precise, experimental'' :''Who am I now in this world without her?'' :''Petty and dull with the nerve to doubt her?'' :''What does it matter, it's already done'' :''Now I've got to be there for her son.'' :''It's over, isn't it, isn't it, isn't it over?'' :''It's over, isn't it, isn't it, isn't it over?'' :''You won and she chose you, and she loved you and she's gone'' :''It's over, isn't it, why can't I move on?'' :''It's over, isn't it, why can't I move on?'' <hr width=50% /> :'''Steven''': ''Why don't you talk to each other?'' :''Why don't you talk to each other, just give it a try'' :''Why don't you talk about what happened? :''I know you're trying to avoid it, but I don't know why.'' :''You might not believe it'' :''You might not believe it'' :''But you got a lot in common, you really do'' :''You both love me and I love both of you.'' <hr width=25% /> :'''Greg''': Look, if I were you, I'd hate me too. :'''Pearl''': I don't hate you. :'''Greg''': But... I knew how you felt about Rose and I stayed anyway. :'''Pearl''': That wasn't the problem. :'''Greg''': Then, what was? :'''Pearl''': She fell in love with you. :'''Greg''': Well, you know Rose. :'''Both''': ''[chuckling in tears]'' She always did what she wanted! <hr width=25% /> :'''Steven''': ''I know you both need it, I know you both need it'' :''Someone who knows what you're going through'' :''You might not believe it, you might not believe it'' :''But you got a lot in common, you really do.'' :''You both love me and I love both of you'' :''You both love me and I love both... of you.'' ===''Too Short to Ride''=== :''[Steven, Amethyst and Peridot are too short to ride the Appalachian ride; Peridot's hair makes her look taller, but Harold Smiley pushes it down, making her throw a tantrum and wave her fists]'' :'''Harold''': ''[laughs]'' Sorry, guys. Looks like this squad has some growing to do before you can ride. :'''Peridot''': I do ''not'' have to grow! This height is indicative of my rarity and importance! I demand entry, you ''CLOD!'' :'''Harold''': ''[clears throat]'' You kids want another lifetime ban? :'''Steven''': ''[nervously pulls Peridot away]'' No thanks, Mr. Smiley! :'''Amethyst''': Shorty Squad out. ===''The New Lars''=== :'''Steven''': Hey, Lars? why didn't you want to hang out with Sadie? :'''Lars''': I see her at work. Why do I need to see her on my day off? :'''Steven''': But aren't you gonna get married, and have kids, and name one of them after his uncle Steven? :'''Lars''': Oh, let me think…No. Me and Sadie ''aren't'' getting married. We aren't even dating. And if she thinks we are, that's her problem. :'''Steven''': You're lying. I know how you feel about Sadie. :'''Lars''': ''You'' don't know what you're talking about, so butt out! ''[walks off]'' Go annoy someone else. You little weirdo. :'''Steven''': Why can't you just admit you love her?! <hr width="50%"> :''[Lars (Steven) dresses himself up and heads downstairs into the kitchen, finding his parents, Martha and Dante, talking]'' :'''Martha''': No. We can do this, Dante. We have to talk to him. :'''Lars (Steven)''': Hi, there. :''[Martha and Dante turn around and notice him]'' :'''Dante''': Oh, there's our boy. How are you feeling? :'''Lars (Steven)''': ''[sits down at the table]'' Uh…taller? :'''Martha''': ''[places breakfast in front of him]'' Here you go. Oh, it's good to see you this morning, Laramie. :'''Lars (Steven)''': ''[smiling]'' Who's Laramie? :'''Martha''': I mean…Lars. ''[sits down next to her husband at the table]'' :'''Dante''': Now, Lars, we know school is a touchy subject, but we need to talk about this. ''[shows him his grade report]'' :'''Lars (Steven)''': ''[literally reading]'' "F-F-F-F-F-F-B-D-F." That doesn't spell anything. <hr width="50%"> :'''Lars''': ''[slowly getting up]'' Mmm… Huh? Sadie? ''[gasps in shock as he notices everyone looking at him]'' How did I get here?! ''[stands up, panicking]'' What are you all doing here?! :'''Sadie''': Lars, don't get mad. :'''Lars''': Huh?! :'''Sadie''': But Steven really didn't mean to… :'''Lars''': ''[furiously turns to Steven]'' '''''You!''''' What did you do?! :''[Jenny, Sour Cream, and Buck rush in front of him, defending Steven]'' :'''Steven''': ''[nervously]'' I spent the day… with my mind… in your body. :''[Lars gasps in shock and screams in disgust]'' :'''Jenny''': Whoa. Where's your chill? :'''Buck''': Buck is no longer pleased. :'''Martha''': I'm so sorry. He wasn't like this this morning. :'''Lars''': I was acting weird all day and you all just '''''LIKED''''' '''IT?!''' :'''Dante''': Please don't make a scene, Laramie. ===''Beach City Drift''=== :'''Steven''': They told me, "there wasn't enough room on the road for the universe." And I told them, "the universe ''is'' my road." <hr width=50% /> :''[Connie and Steven lie down on a car hood by the "It's a Wash" car wash at night; Steven grumpily sighs]'' :'''Connie''': Still mad about Kevin? :'''Steven''': '''Yes'''. :'''Connie''': Me too. ''[Steven sits up]'' :'''Steven''': You don't seem mad. :'''Connie''': ''[sits up]'' I'm thinking mad. I still feel like there's something big I want to say to him, you know? Something to make him think, like we're thinking. :'''Steven''': Yeah. Too bad we can't just... race against him—to use the first place ribbon to wipe that smug look off his face! :'''Connie''': But we're kids. Kids can't drive. That's against the law. :'''Steven''': We weren't kids when we met Kevin. :'''Connie''': ''[smirking]'' I smell what you're steppin' in. :'''Steven''': Ew. <hr width=50% /> :'''Kevin''': Feel like giving up yet? :'''Stevonnie''': Ugh! Why do you have to be such a jerk all the time?! ''[Kevin becomes sentimental]'' :'''Kevin''': The truth is, I don't mean to be this way. I-I just lash out because of my little brother. ''[inhales sharply, sighs]'' He's sick. Been sick all our lives. Sometimes I think if I act real cool and never let anyone see my pain, then maybe the pain will go away. And maybe... ''[covers face with his hand]'' I can take his pain away, too. :'''Stevonnie''': Kevin... I had no idea. :''[Kevin starts sniffling with his hand still on his face; he slowly starts laughing idiotically]'' :'''Kevin''': Dude! I don't even have a brother! I'm like this because I think it's funny! :'''Stevonnie''': '''URRRGH!!''' :'''Kevin''': Chowzers. ===''Restaurant Wars''=== ===''Alone at Sea''=== :''[amid the dark clouds, Steven sees Lapis on the stem of the boat staring at the ocean]'' :'''Steven''': Lapis? Um... I have some not-so-good news. There's trouble with the engine, and we might be stuck out here for a while. ''[Lapis sighs. He pauses]'' I'm so sorry! This whole thing is my fault. I just wanted you to have fun, but e-everything's a mess. I-I shouldn't have made you come on this trip. ''[Lapis then walks to the right]'' :'''Lapis''': It's my fault. I'm the one to blame. :'''Steven''': That's not true! :'''Lapis''': I'm really trying to enjoy it out here, but... I can't stop thinking about being fused as Malachite. How I used all my strength to hold her down in the ocean, and how I was always battling against Jasper to keep her bound to me. :'''Steven''': But it's not like that anymore. You don't have to be with Jasper. :'''Lapis''': That's not it. I... I miss her. :'''Steven''': ''[shocked]'' What?! :'''Lapis''': We were fused for so long. :'''Steven''': But... she's terrible! :'''Lapis''': ''I'm'' terrible! I did horrible things! I-I broke your dad's leg, I stole Earth's ocean! Go on! Tell me I'm wrong! ===''Greg the Babysitter''=== :''[Greg, Rose Quartz and baby Sour Cream lie down on the beach under a parasol]'' :'''Rose''': You wouldn't believe how long it took me to figure out that this and you are the same thing. :'''Greg''': ''[beat]'' What do you mean? :'''Rose''': You're both human! You have to admit, it's a little confusing. You're big and can talk, and he's small and can only make noises. How was I supposed to know you were the same species? :'''Greg''': ''[chuckles nervously]'' What? :'''Rose''': I know, it's silly. But then I started to notice that... you grow. :'''Greg''': Well, can't play guitar with little baby hands. :''[Rose giggles and then pauses for a moment]'' :'''Rose''': When a gem is made, it's for a reason. They burst out of the ground already knowing what they're supposed to be, and then... that's what they are. Forever. But you, you're supposed to change. You're never the same, even moment to moment—you're allowed and expected to invent who you are. What an incredible power... the ability to grow up. :'''Greg''': ''[pause]'' Wow. Those would make some pretty good lyrics. Hold on! Watch Sour Cream a second. ''[runs off]'' I gotta write this down! ===''Gem Hunt''=== :'''Connie''': So, why were there humanoid tracks out there? They weren't ours, and they weren't Pearl's... It couldn't have been the monster, unless it's just some {{w|Scooby-Doo|guy in a monster suit}}. But that kind of thing only happens in cartoons. Usually over a property dispute. <hr width=50%/> :'''Connie''': All we have to do is follow these tracks. ''[takes a handful of snow and tastes it]'' Yeah. These are fresh. We trail it until it stops to rest. :'''Steven''': Wow, Connie! You're a wilderness expert. :'''Connie''': Well, I like to be prepared. When civilization collapses and this world ends, I need to be ready to build the new one. :'''Steven''': Yeah. I guess if Homeworld invades Earth, things could get pretty crazy for humanity. :'''Connie''': Forget Gems! Humans are already starting their own demise! Peak oils, Steven! How do we handle terminal decline without alternate energy sources?! <hr width=50%> :'''Jasper''': ''[chuckles sinisterly]'' Hey, Rose, look what I got. ===''Crack the Whip''=== :'''Jasper''': ''[confronts Amethyst]'' I came here to fight Rose, not some runt! :'''Amethyst''': You think you can just keep showing up and picking fights with us? Hah! Why don't you get a '''life'''?!! :'''Jasper''': Fighting ''is'' my life! It's what I was made for! ''[points at her]'' It's what you were made for too, runt! :'''Amethyst''': So? I've got other stuff goin' on. I can fight JUST '''FINE!!''' ''[lashes her whip at Jasper, who catches it easily]'' :'''Jasper''': Well, then... let's see it! :''[she pulls Amethyst holding her whip, kicks her, spin-dashes her numerous times on the sand. She struggles to get up in front of Jasper]'' :'''Jasper''': You're not even trying. Is it because you know you're already a failure? ''[Amethyst looks up at her]'' You're a quartz soldier, just like me. But you're not like me, are you? :''[cut to show Steven, Connie and Lion fighting the corrupted gem monster; Jasper chuckles as Amethyst gets up]'' :'''Jasper''': You're small! ''[begins rapidly punching Amethyst, slamming her down; Steven sees them]'' :'''Steven''': Amethyst?! ''[the monster lunges its hand near them]'' :'''Jasper''': Are you that desperate for troops, Rose, that you keep a defect like this?! ''[Amethyst slowly stands up]'' :'''Amethyst''': Rose said... I'm perfect... the way I am! :'''Jasper''': Then she had low standards. ''[an enraged Amethyst charges at Jasper with her spin-dash]'' You... could've been me! ''[kicks Amethyst into the air, falls down as she watches Jasper face to face]'' And what are you instead? ''[Amethyst slams into the ground]'' :'''Connie/Steven''': Amethyst! ''[a badly bruised Amethyst looks back at Jasper]'' :'''Jasper''': Just a joke. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jasper''': ''[shocked to see Steven and Connie fused into Stevonnie]'' You fused?! :'''Stevonnie''': ''[catches Amethyst's gem]'' Whoa! I did! :'''Jasper''': You Crystal Gems would even fuse with a human?! :'''Stevonnie''': ''[facing Jasper]'' I don't wanna hear ANYTHING you say! ''[holds up Amethyst's gem]'' Unless it's "sorry." ===''Steven vs. Amethyst''=== :'''Steven''': ''[loses to Amethyst on "Lonely Blade" video game]'' That was crazy good, Amethyst! Nice job! :'''Amethyst''': Knock it off, Steven. I know you let me win. :'''Steven''': ''[stammers]'' Wha— ''me''? No, I— pfff... nooo... ''[Amethyst shuts TV off]'' :'''Amethyst''': You weren't even trying. :'''Steven''': I'm sorry. I just wanted you to feel better. :'''Amethyst''': Great, and now you're even more mature than me. :'''Steven''': Amethyst? :'''Amethyst''': You're supposed to be the rookie but now you're better than me at everything! ''[sighs]'' Now I'm the worst Crystal Gem. :'''Steven''': Wha-what? :'''Amethyst''': Ugh! ''[mutters]'' You know what I mean, Steven. :'''Steven''': Uhh, not really! I thought you guys ''wanted'' me to be strong. An-and now I am, and you're mad at me?! :'''Amethyst''': No! I get mad at myself! That's, ugh, the thing I do! I get mad at myself, and then it makes me suck at everything I do even more. :'''Steven''': ''[sighs]'' Amethyst, you don't suck. You do so many cool things. You have two whips. Two whips! And the dash thing? Amethyst, you're so much better than me! :'''Amethyst''': No way. You have Rose's shield, and bubble, and the floating thing, and— ''[grunts]'' I'd just be floating all day! :'''Steven''': Floating? I forget to use that half the time! And the rest of the time my powers aren't even guaranteed to work! I'm... I'm way worse than you! :'''Amethyst''': Nuh-uh! ''I'm'' the worst! :'''Steven''': No way, I am! I'll prove it! I'll-I'll fight you, and show you how bad I am! :'''Amethyst''': Fine! Let's do it!! :'''Both''': Let the worst gem lose!! <hr width=50% /> :''[Steven and Amethyst lie down on the floor for a beat, they start up laughing amongst themselves]'' :'''Steven''': What's wrong with us? ''[continues laughing]'' :'''Amethyst''': Well, I know what's wrong with me. I'm not supposed to be small. And everyone's always acting like there's no problem. "You can be anything you wanna be!" No, I can't! ''[sighs]'' I can't even be the one thing I'm supposed to be, you know? :'''Steven''': Of course I do. I'm... not Rose Quartz. :'''Amethyst''': ''[hits her face]'' Oh no! Oh, Steven— :'''Steven''': Why do you think I've been working so hard? :'''Amethyst''': Well... it's paying off. :'''Steven''': ''[chuckling, gets up]'' I sure hope so. :''[Amethyst sees Steven holding out his hand to her, smiles. She swings her arm but misses, laughing; she misses again before she finally catches his hand. She gets up and laughs with Steven]'' :'''Amethyst''': Thanks, Steven. ''[Pearl gasps in horror at the entrance]'' :'''Pearl''': What did you two do?! You've ruined the ruins! :'''Amethyst''': Whoops. :'''Steven''': I don't think we're gonna see the prize pouch for a while. ===''{{w|Bismuth (Steven Universe)|Bismuth}}''=== :''[Steven and the Gems take Bismuth to the strawberry battlefield]'' :'''Garnet''': Homeworld's final attack on Earth wiped out all of the Crystal Gems. :'''Pearl''': Rose was able to protect Garnet and myself, and by the looks of it, she was able to protect you as well. ''[Bismuth picks up a rusty battle-axe]'' :'''Bismuth''': I knew those Homeworld elites were twisted. How many of us did they shatter? Crazy Lace? Biggs?! Snowflake?! If I was there, I-'''I coulda stopped it!!''' :'''Garnet''': It's not like they've stopped trying. :'''Bismuth''': What's that? :'''Garnet''': Homeworld still has its eyes on this planet. :'''Pearl''': We continue to thwart their plans over and over. ''[Steven runs over followed by Amethyst]'' :'''Steven''': But they just keep coming back! :'''Amethyst''': Yep. They want us bad. :'''Bismuth''': Good. I thought I wouldn't get another chance to show those upper-crusts who's ''boss''! Let's show 'em what happens when you mess with the Crystal Gems! ''[slams battle-axe to the ground with a loud roar; Steven smiles]'' :'''Steven''': Yeah. <hr width=50% /> :'''Bismuth''': Rose Quartz changed my life. I came to Earth thinking this was just another colony. Build another arena for important fighters to fight in, build another spire for important thinkers to think in, and then I met her. Just another quartz soldier, made right here in the dirt, but she was different. And she was different because she decided to be. And she asked me what I wanted to build, and I'd never heard that before. And Gems never hear they can be anything other than what they are, but Rose opened our eyes. :'''Steven''': Everybody always tells me how great Mom was. I just don't feel like I can ever measure up to her. ''[Bismuth chuckles out loud]'' :'''Bismuth''': I can't believe this... that I'm the one giving the pep talk to Rose's... Rose's...? :'''Steven''': Son. :'''Bismuth''': Right. You are different. That's what's so exciting. You don't have to be like Rose Quartz. You can be someone even better. You can be you. And you know what? You deserve an even better weapon. <hr width=50% /> :''[Steven walks to a severely injured Bismuth holding the Breaking Point]'' :'''Steven''': Bismuth... this has to stop. :'''Bismuth''': So what are you gonna do, shatter me?! ''[grabs Breaking Point to her gemstone]'' Go ahead! <big>'''JUST ''DO IT''!!!'''</big> :'''Steven''': ..No! Even if we don't agree, nobody deserves this! ''[Bismuth pauses, yanks Breaking Point from Steven. He steps back, stops at Rose's sword, draws it out as Bismuth advances—SHING!!]'' :''[for a long beat, Steven sees Bismuth impaled holding Rose's sword]'' :'''Bismuth''': ..You shoulda shattered me back then. At least if I were in pieces, I wouldn't have to know how little I mattered to you. You didn't even tell 'em. You bubbled me away and didn't ever tell your friends... My friends... :'''Steven''': I'm going to tell them! I'm gonna tell them everything. ''[Bismuth takes in a surprise, chuckles in her tears]'' :'''Bismuth''': Then you really are better than her. ===''Beta''=== :''[Peridot and Lapis Lazuli are watching "Camp Pining Hearts" on the truck sticking out over the barn's entrance]'' :'''Percy''': ''[in the show]'' But Paulette, I need you! :'''Peridot''': Oh, get over it, Percy. Go make another friendship bracelet. :'''Lapis''': Seriously. <hr width=50% /> :'''Steven''': Wow, you guys are looking good. And I love what you did to the barn! :'''Peridot''': Aww, I know. But wait, wait - you guys ''have'' to see the inside! Lapis, fly us in! :'''Lapis''': ''[smiling]'' Nnnno. <hr width=50% /> :''[Inside the barn]'' :'''Amethyst''': You did all this stuff on purpose? Like, you didn't just knock over a bunch of paint cans and go, "Eh, just leave it"? :'''Peridot''': Oh, no. This was all very intentional. You see, I had this idea: What if we made music, but instead of sounds, we use things! :'''Amethyst''': That's dumb. :'''Steven''': Guys, that's art! :'''Peridot''': Art? That sounds ridiculous! :'''Lapis''': I've been calling it "meepmorp". :'''Peridot''': Let us show you our... morps. ''[chuckles]'' :''[She shows them something made from her broken recorder, some cassettes and a blue ribbon]'' :'''Peridot''': This piece is called "Wow, thanks". It represents the struggles of intercommunication. The tape is the ribbon that binds our experience on Earth together. It has no functional purpose! It just makes me feel bad! ''[smiles proudly]'' :''[Lapis shows them a baseball bat, mitt and ball hanging from a stick by string]'' :'''Lapis''': Here's my meepmorp. This is a baseball bat. It reminds me of when I played baseball. ''[walks backwards to a leaf sitting on a rock]'' This is a leaf that Steven gave me. It reminds me of the time Steven... gave me a leaf. :'''Steven''': Hey, yeah, it reminds me of that too! ''[Peridot grins; Amethyst looks nauseated]'' :''[Next is a TV with two mirrors attached, playing Percy in ''Camp Pining Hearts'' saying "I just feel trapped" over and over]'' :'''Steven''': ''[worried]'' Is this one about... the thousands of years you spent trapped in the mirror? :'''Lapis''': No. I just really like that show. <hr width=50% /> :'''Peridot''': Wow, Amethyst doesn't seem to understand morons at all. :'''Steven''': No, ''[sighs]'' it's something else. Amethyst found out she's supposed to be just like Jasper. :'''Peridot''': Meh? :'''Steven''': Jasper took her down in a fight, and now, she's obsessed with getting a rematch, to prove she's good enough. :'''Peridot''': Hmm. Amethyst, Ams, Big A. ''You'' are ''way'' better than Jasper! :'''Amethyst''': What? Oh. ''[to Steven]'' What did you tell her? :'''Steven''': I, uh… :'''Peridot''': What are you even doing comparing yourself to her? Oh, Amethyst, that's ridiculous. I should call you "Ridiculousthyst." ''[laughs]'' I mean, seriously, Amethyst and Jasper are ''completely'' different Quartzes. Sure, you're both from Earth, but your Kindergartners are ''radically'' different. :'''Steven''': What? Hold-- Hold on. What?! :'''Amethyst''': We're both from Earth? :'''Peridot''': Well, sure. Amethyst, you're from the Prime Kindergarten in Facet 5. ''She's'' from the ''Beta'' Kindergarten, in Facet 9. Have you ''seen'' that place? :'''Amethyst''': No! :'''Peridot''': Oh. Well, maybe you should, so you could see how the other half was made… Poorly! ''[laughs]'' No, seriously. Let's go. You'll get a kick out of this. <hr width=50% /> :'''Peridot''': Here we are, Jasper's origin-- the Beta Kindergarten. :'''Steven''': Am I underwhelmed? It's pretty bright out here. :'''Amethyst''': It's red. :'''Peridot''': No kidding. Red sandstone! Ha! This is what I'm talking about. We're lucky this place hasn't blown away. Beta, am I right? :'''Steven''': ''[laughs]'' That's a math joke, right? :'''Peridot''': Come on. It gets worse. I mean, this place has got the right growing conditions in a pinch, I guess, but it's too small! It was obviously a total rush job. :'''Steven''': A rush job? :'''Peridot''': Halfway through the rebellion, Homeworld scrambled to generate extra soldiers on the ground. Look at this-- the holes don't even line up! ''[scoffs]'' It's like they just threw injectors down wherever. Oh, and that one? This Carnelian came out sideways. How could she not? The walls are curved! ''[laughs]'' What a joke. <hr width=50% /> :'''Peridot''': What you want to see is a vertical alignment; no angle in the exit; a clean, strong silhouette. None of these holes come close! :'''Amethyst''': What about that one? :''[They look up at Jasper's big exit hole]'' :'''Peridot''': Jasper. :'''Steven''': ''This'' is Jasper's hole? :'''Amethyst''': It's huge! :'''Peridot''': Oh, come on. We already know she's tall. Let's take a closer look. ===''Earthlings''=== :'''Jasper''': Pipe down! You take orders from me now! You used to be a Quartz too, didn't you? What happened to you? Tch. Disgraceful. I can't believe I've resorted to recruiting you freaks! You're almost as bad as that Crystal ''runt''! Just look at you. This planet ruins everything! Well, (''chuckles'') except for me. <hr width=50% /> :'''Jasper''': Every Gem is made for a purpose—to serve the order of the Diamonds. Those who cannot fit inside this order must be purged! To come out misshapen, to reshape yourself outside your purpose, and to defend this worthless, ruined planet is a disgrace! <hr width=50% /> :''[Steven throws his shield over a towering Injector; Amethyst backs away from Jasper as it falls between them]'' :'''Amethyst''': Steven... I-I can't win. No matter what I do, no matter how hard I work, she came out right, and I came out... wrong. :'''Steven''': That's just what Jasper thinks! She's the only one who thinks you should be like her! :'''Amethyst''': But— :'''Steven''': Stop trying to be like Jasper. You're ''nothing'' like Jasper! You're like ''me''!! Because we're both not like anybody! And yeah, it sucks! ''[Jasper lifts up the Injector and throws it aside]'' But at least I've got you. And you've got me! ''[tearing up]'' So stop leaving me out of this! :'''Amethyst''': Us worse Gems stick together... ''[sniffles]'' right? ''[Steven holds out his hand]'' :'''Steven''': That's why we're the best. :''[Amethyst takes his hand, and they hug - and fuse]'' :'''Smoky Quartz''': What a ''BEAUTIFUL'' DAY! :'''Jasper''': Huh?! Who are you supposed to be?! <hr width=50% /> :''[After briefly fusing with a corrupted Gem, the corruption spreads slowly in Jasper's left arm]'' :'''Peridot''': Eww, that's disgusting! :'''Smoky Quartz''': It's... corruption. ''[separates back into Steven and Amethyst]'' :'''Amethyst''': Steven, be careful. :'''Steven''': But this just happened - maybe I can do something! Jasper, it's okay. I'm here. ''[starts approaching her]'' :'''Jasper''': ''[snarling]'' Rose... :'''Steven''': I'm not Rose, I'm Steven. I just wanna try and heal you. ''[licks his palm and reaches for her - but she slashes at him, tearing his shirt]'' :'''Amethyst''': Steven!! :''[Peridot unsuccessfully tries to mentally move the metal rod again]'' :'''Steven''': ''[as Amethyst tries to charge at Jasper]'' Stop! :'''Jasper''': ''[chuckles]'' I see how you do it now, Rose... You want Gems after they're worthless. You wait until after they've lost! Because when you're at the bottom... you'll follow ''anyone'' that makes you feel like less of a failure. ''[as Peridot rushes over]'' Huh... Just look at this one! You've stripped her of everything! Her limb enhancers, her status, her dignity... :'''Peridot''': I still have one of those things. :'''Jasper''': ''How can you side with Rose Quartz?!'' Why? Why protect this useless shell of a planet?! :'''Peridot''': It's not a shell. There's so much life, living here. ''[smiling]'' That's what ''I'm'' doing! I'm living here! I've been learning new things about myself all the time! Like how I can make metal do my bidding! ''[tries to show this off, but the rod just falls behind her]'' The point being: Earth can set you free. ''[Steven smiles]'' :'''Jasper''': ''[angrily, as the corruption spreads rapidly in her body]'' Earth... is a prison! I got out because I'm better than this place...! :'''Steven''': It's getting worse. :'''Jasper''': I only came back to finish you off...! :'''Steven''': Try not to move! :'''Jasper''': ''You can't manipulate me, Rose Quartz!'' :'''Steven''': I-- I'm not manipulating! I'm trying to help! :'''Jasper''': Help...? ''HELP?!'' I've been fighting from the second I broke free of the Earth's crust! Because of what ''YOU'' did to my colony! Because of what '''YOU''' did to my planet! Because of what '''YOU''' did to my Diamond! :'''Steven''': ''[confsed]'' I... Yellow Diamond? :'''Jasper''': Wha...?! ''MY'' DIAMOND! ''YOUR'' DIAMOND! <big>'''''PINK DIAMOND!!!'''''</big> :''[Her corruption worsening, Jasper becomes barely recognizable and looks ready to attack; Peridot finally gets the metal rod to move, plunging it into Jasper and making her poof]'' :'''Peridot''': ''[after a brief silence]'' You're... welcome. :'''Amethyst''': ''[smiles, then walks over to Jasper's gem and sighs]'' Come here, sis. ''[bubbles her]'' ===''Back to the Moon''=== :''[the Rubies walk up the moon base stairway followed by Amethyst (as Jasper), Pearl, Garnet and Steven]'' :'''"Eyeball" Ruby''': The Earth was Pink Diamond's colony. Everything was going smoothly at first. Kindergartens were incubating their first soldiers—big, warm pieces of quartz, like this mountain over here—were being created from its rich minerals with great success. Then, bam! One of Pink Diamond's very own quartz soldiers started a rebellion and took it too far. Where were you when that happened? :'''Amethyst''': Oh, you know... around. ''["Eyeball" turns to Amethyst]'' :'''"Eyeball" Ruby''': I was there. I saw it with my own eye. I watched the leader of the Crystal Gems, Rose Quartz... ''[projects her light on the mural]'' shatter Pink Diamond! :''[Steven looks up in his horror; Garnet is frozen still for a beat, Pearl starts shivering in fear]'' :'''Steven''': No... ''[beat]'' Rose Quartz w-would never do that! ''[tearing up]'' A-And, sure, she had to fight but... But she would never shatter someone! ===''Bubbled''=== :''[Steven (in his bubble) and "Eyeball" Ruby drift in space far away from the Earth]'' :'''Steven''': There goes the Earth. :'''"Eyeball" Ruby''': There goes my whole platoon! ''[growls at him]'' This is a mess! ''[walks around his bubble]'' What'll I say about my report?! How will I even ''make'' my report?! This is a nightmare! ''[looks down at him]'' And this is all ''your'' fault. :'''Steven''': Whoa, hey, no it's not! You were trying to hurt my friends! :'''"Eyeball" Ruby''': But you opened the airlock in the moon base. ''You'' sent us flying into space with no hope of ever returning! :'''Steven''': ''[long pause]'' Okay, so maybe that was my fault. I'm sorry. There! Are you happy? :'''"Eyeball" Ruby''': No! Lucky you're in that bubble, or I'd pop you right in the face. :'''Steven''': Well, if you're going to be a grump about it, then we can just float in silence until we both die! :'''"Eyeball" Ruby''': Sounds great! :'''Steven''': Fine! :'''"Eyeball" Ruby''': I can't wait!! :'''Steven''': Me neither! <hr width=50% /> :'''"Eyeball" Ruby''': When I heard rumors there might still be Crystal Gems on Earth, I couldn't believe it. A thousand years of fighting were all for nothing! And Rose Quartz might still be alive? ''[scoffs, rolls on her side]'' She must be. Why else would someone as important as Jasper be back on Earth? For closure, that's why. I wanted it, too. I wanted to see Rose Quartz with my own eye. At the very least, I thought Jasper might have some answers, but... it wasn't even her. Just another trick. <hr width=50% /> :'''Steven''': How come nobody told me about Pink Diamond? :'''Garnet''': We all did what we had to during the war. Everything's different now. :'''Steven''': But did Mom really do it? Did she really... shatter her? :'''Garnet''': She had to. The Earth belonged to Pink Diamond. Destroying her was the only way to save the planet. For Amethyst to be herself, for Pearl to be free, for me to be together. ''[clutches her hand]'' For you to exist. :'''Steven''': But I thought... a-at least she'd never— :'''Garnet''': She didn't always do what was best for her. But she always did what was best for Earth. :'''Steven''': Even... if it meant shattering someone? :'''Garnet''': Yes. :''[Steven pauses, takes a deep breath and sighs as the Gems pilot the Rubies' Roaming Eye back to Earth]'' :'''Steven''': Thanks for telling me. [[Category:Steven Universe seasons]] eynpmaqncfh5lqql946cmn2buz3hlzc 3153119 3153118 2022-08-10T02:55:26Z 162.197.99.132 /* The New Lars */ wikitext text/x-wiki ---- :'''Seasons:''' [[Steven Universe (season 1)|1]] [[Steven Universe (season 2)|2]] [[Steven Universe (season 3)|3]] [[Steven Universe (season 4)|4]] [[Steven Universe (season 5)|5]] | [[Steven Universe: The Movie|Film]] | [[Steven Universe Future|Future]] | [[Steven Universe|Main]] ---- {{italic title}} The following is a list of quotes from the third season of ''[[Steven Universe]]''. ===''Super Watermelon Island''=== :'''Peridot''': Didn't you feel that? :'''Amethyst''': Feel what? :'''Peridot''': The ground shook! This could be the start of the emergence of the Cluster. Stage 1: Slight tremors every quarter hour. Stage 2: Full-scale earthquakes. Stage 3: ''[flips the board that shows a drawn picture of the Earth being destroyed with words that say: '''"CLUSTER EMERGES BYE BYE EARTH"''']'' The Earth is destroyed! We're running out of time! We need to drill, right now! :'''Steven''': No, it's Malachite! :'''Garnet, Amethyst, & Pearl''': Malachite?! :'''Peridot''': What? :'''Steven''': I was on Mask Island. I was in a watermelon Steven. They have a lovely community, but Malachite, she was there! :''[Amethyst coughs out a bite of her sandwich sub]'' :'''Garnet''': Lapis Lazuli is losing control. Soon, Jasper will overpower her and Malachite will be loose. :'''Pearl''': Who knows what sort of destruction an unstable fusion like Malachite could cause? <hr width=50% /> :'''Peridot''': ''[sitting on mattress with Steven]'' So, Lazuli has Jasper trapped in a fusion? You're joking me. :'''Steven''': It's true! But Lapis must be getting tired from fighting Jasper for so long. :'''Peridot''': Just being on a ship with Jasper made me tired. ''[the ground starts trembling, Steven shouts]'' :'''Steven''': Ahh! I gotta help them! But they told me it was too dangerous. :'''Peridot''': Why don't you just disobey them? They rebel. Isn't that like, your guys's thing? :'''Steven''': Ah! You're right! Oh, I know! I'll fall asleep and go into a watermelon Steven again! This way, I can help them and be safe at the same time. ''[chuckles sinisterly, falls asleep]'' :'''Peridot''': Wow. You are a real anarchist. :'''Steven''': No one can tell ''me'' what to do. ''[snores]'' :'''Peridot''': Wait! What do I do now? Don't just leave me here! ''[sighs deeply]'' <hr width=50% /> :'''Malachite''': Give up! ''[breaks free of water chains, sighs]'' I'm impressed. You really held out. :'''Alexandrite''': <big>'''''MALACHITE!!!'''''</big> :'''Malachite''': ''[gasps]'' They're here! ''[starts groaning, snaps out]'' Stop! Pathetic. Don't you see? We've been holding us back for too long, and for what? If we're going to be this thing together, why don't we have some fun? :'''Alexandrite''': '''We don't have to fight!! You're outnumbered.''' ''[Malachite grins, raises two huge water-arms]'' :'''Malachite''': I may be outnumbered, but you're out of your depth. I can't wait to tear you Gems apart! :'''Alexandrite''': <big><big>'''''RAAAAHHH!!!!'''''</big></big> <hr width=50% /> :'''Alexandrite''': Hey! Don't forget about me! ''[pulls Malachite in towards her and punches her; then turns Sugilite's flail into Sardonyx's war-hammer and launches Malachite in the sky; turns the war-hammer into Opal's bow and arrow again]'' You two should spend some time apart. <hr width=50% /> :''[the Gems and watermelon Stevens hold on as strong earthquakes tremble up Mask Island]'' :'''Garnet''': It must be the Cluster! Peridot was right! ''[to a watermelon Steven]'' Steven, it's up to you! The warp was destroyed, we won't make it back in time! Wake up! Get Peridot and start drilling! The Earth needs you, Steven! We'll be fine! You can do this. ''[Pearl and Amethyst join her]'' We believe in you. :''[the crying watermelon Steven nods and closes its eyes as the Gems slowly fade to black]'' :'''Amethyst''': You got this, dude! You know the drill. :'''Pearl''': Be careful, Steven! Watch each other's backs. :'''Garnet''': And Steven... we love you. ===''Gem Drill''=== :'''Peridot''': ''[being shaken next to drill]'' If you're done just lying there, maybe it's about time that we ''STOP THE WORLD FROM ENDING!'' Where are the others?! :'''Steven''': They're stuck on Mask Island! We have to drill without them! :'''Peridot''': Ugh! Am I the only one who understands the meaning of teamwork?! ''[Steven comes up, and she grips his shoulders]'' Okay. Steven, are you ready to drill down into the planet, to depths never before reached by your species, to stop the Cluster before it forms and save your world?! :'''Steven''': I don't know! :'''Peridot''': Don't say that! Say we'll do it together and it's gonna be great! :'''Steven''': We're gonna do it together and it's gonna be great! :'''Peridot''': ''Liar!'' :''[Peridot and Steven then scamper into the drill's cockpit as the ground continues to shake]'' :'''Peridot''': Ready or not, we have a mission. <hr width=50%/> :''[Inside the drill]'' :'''Steven''': All right, bracing for impact! :'''Peridot''': It's actually two more hours to the Cluster. :'''Steven''': Oh. Wish I'd brought some tunes. :''[Looking annoyed, Peridot presses a button, making some quiet music play]'' :'''Steven''': Uh, thanks. ''[short silence; starts to look nervous]'' It's kinda... freaky down here, huh? :'''Peridot''': Why's that? :'''Steven''': It's just dark, and cramped, ''[shuddering]'' and, uh... I can't even... uh, stretch out. ''[they are both disturbed by a brief rumbling]'' How'd you think you were gonna get everyone in here anyway? :'''Peridot''': I don't know. They'd... shrink or something. <hr width=50%/> :''[As it appears that the Cluster will take form and destroy the Earth]'' :'''Peridot''': ''[terrified]'' Steven, I'm sorry I couldn't save you, or the billions of other lifeforms who matter far, far less to me! Do you have any last words?! :'''Steven''': ''[hugging her]'' I love you, Peridot. :'''Peridot''': ''[emotionally]'' Wow... .thanks... ''[hugs him back]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''The Cluster''': Want to stay... But... Can't stop! Going to form! Can't stop! Going to form! Help! Help! Help! <hr width=50%/> :''[After Steven helps the Cluster bubble itself]'' :'''Peridot''': ''[hugging him]'' You did it! :'''Steven''': We did it together. And it was great. :''[The other Gems arrive, with an unconscious Lapis]'' :'''Steven''': Guys! You're back! I-is Lapis okay? :'''Garnet''': She'll be fine. :'''Pearl''': ''[concerned]'' You look happy! Uh, did you destroy the Cluster? :'''Steven''': No, I talked to it. :'''Pearl''': What? :'''Steven''': It doesn't want to destroy the Earth. It just wants company. And it's got it now! It's like a bajillion people! They'll have lots of time to get to know each other, now that they're in a bubble. :'''Pearl''': ''[utterly astonished]'' How on ''Earth'' did you bubble that ''whole thing?!'' :'''Steven''': We had a little help. :''[The Cluster is shown again, still peacefully contained in its bubble]'' ===''Same Old World''=== :'''Lapis''': For a moment, I really felt like things were different... but they're not. No matter where I go, I'm trapped. :'''Steven''': But you're not. You're not underwater. You're not in a mirror. This time, you're free! :'''Lapis''': But I'm still on Earth! :'''Steven''': Yeah, but nothing is still on Earth. Everything's always changing—the leaves, the cities... even Jersey changes. My dad says the rest stops used to be pretty gross, but now they have sushi! This isn't the same world that held you prisoner - not anymore. And I know it doesn't feel like home, but maybe that can change too. I know you can't go back to Homeworld, but if you stay here, it'll be your choice to stay here. :'''Lapis''': It's funny... For all the time I spent on Earth, I barely saw any of it. :'''Steven''': That's not funny. That's super sad. ===''Barn Mates''=== :'''Peridot''': And then I'll say, "Hey, as one refugee to another, it isn't so bad that we can't go back to Homeworld, am I right? Why don't we watch the sun come up and figure out what we're going to do with all this time, eh Lazuli?" And then she'll say, "Yes Peridot, as impressed I was by you on the ship, I am even more impressed with your new compact look and capacity for friendship! I'm so glad we're going to live together!" Peridot, Facet 5. (''ends her log'') Let's begin. :'''Lapis''': ''[amused]'' This isn't gonna work. :'''Peridot''': Wait, what? :'''Lapis''': I really thought I would be living alone here. :'''Steven''': Yeah, but this is even better! Oh here, how about this? I saw this on an episode of a TV show! I didn't see how it ended, but I'm sure it worked out right. We'll divide this place in half, you'll both have your own space. (''takes out a marker from his left pocket and opens the cap; divides the barn into 2 non-equal parts using the marker'') High ceilings, real wood floors, convenient location on the heart of the country. So what do you think, roomies? :'''Peridot''': I like the cut of your gem, Steven Quartz! :'''Lapis''': No. No way! :'''Peridot''': What's the problem? You're the one getting all the good stuff! You've got the propeller and paint cans on your side! You can do tons with those! oooh, actually, I want the paint cans - you wanna trade something? :'''Lapis''': I don't care about paint cans. That's not the problem. :'''Peridot''': Bah... :'''Steven''': What's wrong, Lapis? :'''Lapis''': It's ''her''. :'''Peridot''': Egh?! :'''Lapis''': ''She's'' the problem. I can't stand the thought of looking at her everyday. She's the one who dragged me back to Earth. :'''Peridot''': Hey, it wasn't my idea! I was headed to earth and I needed an informant! It should have been a simple mission. Things didn't exactly work out for either of us. :'''Lapis''': You used me like everyone else did! :'''Peridot''': But it's not like that anymore! It's different now - I'M different! :'''Steven''': It's true, Lapis! Peridot has really come into her own since she's been living on Earth. :'''Peridot''': I sabotaged my own mission! I helped save the Earth, I even yelled at Yellow Diamond! She's probably sending a whole fleet to find me and shatter me right now! I'm kind of a big deal; a big Anti-Homeworld Deal! :'''Lapis''': Steven, I don't think this is gonna work. :'''Steven''': Ahhhh, ummmm, maybe we could put up a curtain? (''Lapis gives him a patient smile, but walks out of the barn and flies to the top of the Silo; to Peridot'') Sorry. Thought this was gonna be okay. I forgot the last time you saw each other.. wasn't, so okay. :'''Peridot''': That was in the ''past''! It's not like that now! UGHHHH! :'''Steven''': I know. :'''Peridot''': But obviously she doesn't! She's the one who needs to know! I want ''her'' to understand! :'''Steven''': Aw Peridot, that's sweet! That's the you you need to show her! :'''Peridot''': ''[confused]'' Show her my ''sweet''? :'''Steven''': I got you. <hr width=50%/> :'''Peridot''': ''[hands Lapis the letter]'' Steven did the outside, and I did the inside. :'''Lapis''': ''[opens the letter with an unimpressed look; reading]'' '''"Sorry I interrogated you. You were just full of such useful information. That's a sincere compliment. Peridot."''' <hr width=50%/> :'''Peridot''': ''[on a rubber ring in a miniature lake]'' H-two-oh my gosh. It's a smaller than an average lake! :'''Steven''': It's from the hole we drilled. Peridot and I sealed it and filled it with water. ''[Lapis pauses for a beat]'' :'''Peridot''': It's a gift for you. You know, 'cause like water's your thing? ''[snickers]'' Pretty good right? The barn's out here in the country, but now you can get your moisture fix whenever. Do all that water stuff you do. :'''Lapis''': ..Water? Seriously? :'''Peridot''': Yeah! :'''Lapis''': You do realize that I spent the last few months trapped under the ocean, right? :'''Peridot''': Sure! But, I thought— :'''Lapis''': It was an endless, crushing darkness. Wet and bleak and suffocating. Water was the tomb I lived in for those months. :'''Peridot''': ''[queasy and terrified]'' Tomb, you say? :'''Lapis''': Yeah. I'm kinda taking a break from water right now. ''[beat]'' But thanks…for the lake. :'''Steven''': ''[grimaces]'' Uhh… :'''Peridot''': Urrgh… :'''Lapis''': Don't worry, Steven. It's not your fault. <hr width=50%/> :'''Peridot''': A pool! What a cloddy idea. Of course she wouldn't like that. There's nothing! Nothing! Nothing! :'''Steven''': There has to be something. Something, something. Maybe, instead of something ''she'' likes, give her something ''you'' like. A piece of you! :'''Peridot''': Um…okay. How about my ''Camp Pining Hearts'' DVD? :'''Steven''': Which season? :'''Peridot''': Five? :'''Steven''': Trash. :'''Peridot''': I know! Ugh! ''[falls onto the ground with her back; speaks into the tape recorder]'' Log Date- whatever. Facet- whatever! WHATEVER! Clearly there's nothing important enough for me to give to Lazuli. At least I have you, tape recorder. <hr width=50%/> :'''Peridot''': Here. I'll unwrap it for you. When I was stuck here, Steven gave me this tape recorder as a gift, and I didn't really get at first, but it made me feel better. Just to talk about all the weird stuff that was happening. It'll help you too. ''[gives the recorder to Lapis]'' You, uh, press the button to record, and then you talk into it. :'''Lapis''': ''[speaks into the tape recorder]'' I don't want your garbage. ''[raises the tape recorder up, crushes it, and drops it onto the ground]'' :'''Peridot''': GUH! What, were you trapped in a tape recorder, too?! ''[Lapis glares enraged at her; frustrated]'' Look, I get it, you know? You're confused. You can never go back to Homeworld. This place doesn't exactly feel like home yet. You're alone! No one could ''possibly'' know what that feels like! Oh, wait, ''I'' do! We're the same! Except… ''[calms down]'' you don't have to be alone. So, tell me, then, what you want from me. And whatever that is… ''[sighs]'' I'll do it. :'''Lapis''': ''[scowling]'' I want you… TO LEAVE! :'''Peridot''': ''[visibly hurt]'' Okay. ''[starts walking away]'' :'''Steven''': Lapis, why are you being so mean to her? She's really trying. :'''Lapis''': Why do you trust her, Steven? :'''Steven''': Because I know her! Lapis, you're not even giving her a chance. You should have at least gotten to know her before you decided you don't like her. Now it's too late. And she's never coming back again. ''[He and Lapis see Peridot running towards them while screaming]'' Oh, she's coming back again. ===''Hit the Diamond''=== :''[Five Rubies have arrived on Earth; Steven and the Gems hide in the barn]'' :'''Steven''': Whoa, look at 'em all. :'''Peridot''': ''[scared]'' I knew it! They're after me! This is the end of the line! :'''Lapis''': You really weren't kidding. :'''Peridot''': I disobeyed a direct order from Yellow Diamond, and I called her a clod…to her face. :'''Pearl''': Oh, honestly, you call ''everyone'' a clod. :'''Peridot''': Yes. But not everyone has command over all the armies of Homeworld waiting for the word to ''shatter me!'' ''[hides under a box]'' :'''Steven''': Peridot! We won't let them get you. ''[lifts the box, revealing Peridot curling up sadly]'' :'''Peridot''': Haven't I caused you enough trouble? :'''Garnet''': Don't worry, Peridot. It's our sworn duty to protect anything that calls this planet home, and that includes clods like you. :'''Peridot''': ''[quietly]'' That's ''my'' word… :'''Garnet''': Listen up, everyone. I have a plan. Or should I say… ''[holds up her hands]'' ''We'' have a plan? ''[giggles as she unfuses, separating into Ruby and Sapphire]'' :'''Sapphire''': Hello, everyone. :'''Pearl & Amethyst''': Ruby! Sapphire! :'''Steven''': ''[runs over and hugs them both]'' Hugs! :'''Sapphire''': Hello, Steven! <hr width=50%/> :''[Disguised as a human baseball team]'' :'''Steven''': We're the humans! Steven! :'''Pearl''': Earl! :'''Amethyst''': Amy! :'''Lapis''': ''[apathetically]'' Bob. :'''Sapphire''': ''[flirtatiously]'' And Sophie... :''[Saspphire's Ruby blushes]'' <hr width=50%/> :''[After a baseball bat is accidentally destroyed, Steven goes to get a replacement from the barn]'' :'''Peridot''': ''[hiding in the barn]'' Hey, how's it going? Are we winning? :'''Steven''': ''[nervously]'' Ummm, heh-heh... :'''Ruby''': ''[standing behind Sapphire, guiding her with a bat]'' Now, what you wanna do is lean with your hips. ''[Sapphire swings the bat]'' Yeah, that's pretty good. Let me show you again. :''["Eyeball" Ruby watches them, then glares at Steven]'' :'''Steven''': ''[sweating]'' Well, heh... We're doing just fine. ''[heading back to the field]'' Everything's going to be A-okay... :'''Peridot''': YOU'RE LYING TO ME! :'''Steven''': To make you feel better! :'''Peridot''': THANK YOU! <hr width=50%/> :''[After Ruby and Sapphire accidentally refuse into Garnet after the baseball game]'' :'''Garnet''': ''[laughs joyously for a moment]'' ... Whoops. :'''"Doc" Ruby''': ''[angrily]'' THEY'RE GEMS! :'''"Army" Ruby''': ''[also angrily]'' WE'VE BEEN TRICKED! :'''"Navy" Ruby''': ''[in quiet awe]'' What a turn of events... :'''"Eyeball" Ruby''': ''[growls]'' :'''"Leggy" Ruby''': ''[confused]'' Huh? W-what? :'''Garnet''': ''[to the other Crystal Gems]'' Sorry, guys. The game is over. :'''"Doc" Ruby''': That's it! Rubies... COMBINE! :''[The five Rubies fuse into a giant Ruby and roar]'' :'''Peridot''': ''WAAAAAAIIIIIIIT!!'' WAIT! STOP! DON'T HURT THEM! ''[rushes out of the barn, trips twice, and runs the rest of the way on all fours, panting]'' Wait, oh please, please! It's ''me'' you're after, right? I'm not gonna stand by and let my friends fight my battles! :'''Steven''': Awww, Peri loves us! :'''Ruby Fusion''': Are you the Peridot assigned to the failed Earth mission? :'''Peridot''': ''[nervously]'' Not sure if "failed" would be the right word to-- :'''Ruby Fusion''': Where is Jasper?! :'''Peridot''': You're looking for... Jasper? :'''Ruby Fusion''': Correct! :'''Peridot''': Wait - but I'm the one who betrayed the mission! Who called Yellow Diamond a clod! The new leader of the Crystal Gems?! :'''Pearl''': What? :'''Ruby Fusion''': Tell us where Jasper is! ''NOW!'' :'''Peridot''': Jasper... umm... we know where Jasper is! ''[Pearl nervously shakes her head]'' :'''Ruby Fusion''': ''WELL?!'' :'''Peridot''': Uhhhhh.... :'''Steven''': ''[pointing to the sky]'' Neptune! She's on the planet Neptune! :'''Ruby Fusion''': ''[stares at them suspiciously for a moment, then smiles and shrugs]'' Well, why didn't you say so? :''[Steven sighs in relief, and the Rubies unfuse]'' :'''"Doc" Ruby''': We all here? One, two, three, four, aaaaand... HA! Five. ''[points to herself]'' To the planet Neptune! :'''"Army" Ruby''': Let's move out, soldiers! :'''"Navy" Ruby''': ''[dreamily]'' What a lovely sounding planet... :'''"Leggy" Ruby''': But we just... got here. :'''"Doc" Ruby''': ''[dragging "Leggy" along]'' Let's go, newbie! :'''"Eyeball" Ruby''': ''[glares at the Gems for a moment, then speaks in a strained voice]'' Thank you... :''[The Rubies re-enter their space pod and zip into space at hyperspeed]'' :'''Amethyst''': Man... Rubies are ''dumb''. :'''Garnet''': ''[Star iris closes in on Garnet's face as she smiles]'' Not all of them. ===''Steven Floats''=== :''[Steven jumps higher into the sky while a Dhawar Airlines airplane passes by]'' :'''Air Hostess''': ''[inside]'' The captain has turned on the seat belt sign. Looks like we got some boys in the sky ahead of us. <hr width=50%/> :''[Amethyst walks to the front door before looking at Steven up high in the sky]'' :'''Amethyst''': Wait, can Steven fly? Yeah, I think I remember that. ''[enters house and closes front door; comes running back outside seconds later]'' No, no, I'm thinking of Lapis! Hey, Steven!! How did you learn how to fly?! :'''Steven''': Amethyst! Go get help! :'''Amethyst''': ''Whaaaaat?!!'' :'''Steven''': Ugh, she can't hear me. :'''Amethyst''': ''[jumps up high]'' Hey, Air Steve! :'''Steven''': Amethyst, I need you to... ''[she falls back down]'' Dang, too slow. Better ask quicker. :'''Amethyst''': ''[jumps up again]'' What'd you say? :'''Steven''': I could really use your assistance dealing with the sudden appearance ''[she falls down]''—aw, rats! ''[she jumps up again; Steven continues]'' —of a power previously was unbeknownst to me ''[she falls]'' which I can't control... Um... ''[she jumps up again, annoyed]'' :'''Amethyst''': Dude, summarize! :'''Steven''': Go get Garnet! ===''Drop Beat Dad''=== ===''{{w|Mr. Greg}}''=== :'''Greg''': ''Bright sunny day don't cost nothing'' :''Light summer breeze don't cost nothing'' :''What do I do with all this money'' :''When the only thing I want is you?'' :''Palling around don't cost nothing'' :''Singing a song don't cost nothing'' :''How do I spend all this money?'' :''I'd rather just spend time with you.'' :'''Steven''': ''You could buy a house and a car'' :'''Greg''': ''I guess that I can but I've already got a van'' :''I could put you through college'' :'''Steven''': But I'm with the Gems all the time! :'''Greg''': ''Or I could buy you all the finest courses online.'' :'''Steven''': What if we took a trip? :'''Greg''': Do you think? :'''Steven''': Yeah, I do! ''We could take a vacation'' :''We could go somewhere new!'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Pearl''': ''I was fine with the men'' :''Who would come into her life now and again'' :''I was fine 'cause I knew'' :''That they didn't really matter until you.'' :''I was fine when you came'' :''And we fought like it was all some silly game'' :''Over her, who she'd choose'' :''After all those years, I never thought I'd lose.'' :''It's over, isn't it, isn't it, isn't it over?'' :''It's over, isn't it, isn't it, isn't it over?'' :''You won and she chose you, and she loved you and she's gone'' :''It's over, isn't it, why can't I move on?'' <hr width=25% /> :''War and glory, reinvention'' :''Fusion, freedom, her attention'' :''Out in daylight, my potential'' :''Bold, precise, experimental'' :''Who am I now in this world without her?'' :''Petty and dull with the nerve to doubt her?'' :''What does it matter, it's already done'' :''Now I've got to be there for her son.'' :''It's over, isn't it, isn't it, isn't it over?'' :''It's over, isn't it, isn't it, isn't it over?'' :''You won and she chose you, and she loved you and she's gone'' :''It's over, isn't it, why can't I move on?'' :''It's over, isn't it, why can't I move on?'' <hr width=50% /> :'''Steven''': ''Why don't you talk to each other?'' :''Why don't you talk to each other, just give it a try'' :''Why don't you talk about what happened? :''I know you're trying to avoid it, but I don't know why.'' :''You might not believe it'' :''You might not believe it'' :''But you got a lot in common, you really do'' :''You both love me and I love both of you.'' <hr width=25% /> :'''Greg''': Look, if I were you, I'd hate me too. :'''Pearl''': I don't hate you. :'''Greg''': But... I knew how you felt about Rose and I stayed anyway. :'''Pearl''': That wasn't the problem. :'''Greg''': Then, what was? :'''Pearl''': She fell in love with you. :'''Greg''': Well, you know Rose. :'''Both''': ''[chuckling in tears]'' She always did what she wanted! <hr width=25% /> :'''Steven''': ''I know you both need it, I know you both need it'' :''Someone who knows what you're going through'' :''You might not believe it, you might not believe it'' :''But you got a lot in common, you really do.'' :''You both love me and I love both of you'' :''You both love me and I love both... of you.'' ===''Too Short to Ride''=== :''[Steven, Amethyst and Peridot are too short to ride the Appalachian ride; Peridot's hair makes her look taller, but Harold Smiley pushes it down, making her throw a tantrum and wave her fists]'' :'''Harold''': ''[laughs]'' Sorry, guys. Looks like this squad has some growing to do before you can ride. :'''Peridot''': I do ''not'' have to grow! This height is indicative of my rarity and importance! I demand entry, you ''CLOD!'' :'''Harold''': ''[clears throat]'' You kids want another lifetime ban? :'''Steven''': ''[nervously pulls Peridot away]'' No thanks, Mr. Smiley! :'''Amethyst''': Shorty Squad out. ===''The New Lars''=== :'''Steven''': Hey, Lars? why didn't you want to hang out with Sadie? :'''Lars''': I see her at work. Why do I need to see her on my day off? :'''Steven''': But aren't you gonna get married, and have kids, and name one of them after his uncle Steven? :'''Lars''': Oh, let me think…No. Me and Sadie ''aren't'' getting married. We aren't even dating. And if she thinks we are, that's her problem. :'''Steven''': You're lying. I know how you feel about Sadie. :'''Lars''': ''You'' don't know what you're talking about, so butt out! ''[walks off]'' Go annoy someone else. You little weirdo. :'''Steven''': Why can't you just admit you love her?! <hr width="50%"> :''[Lars (Steven) dresses himself up and heads downstairs into the kitchen, finding his parents, Martha and Dante, talking]'' :'''Martha''': No. We can do this, Dante. We have to talk to him. :'''Lars (Steven)''': Hi, there. :''[Martha and Dante turn around and notice him]'' :'''Dante''': Oh, there's our boy. How are you feeling? :'''Lars (Steven)''': ''[sits down at the table]'' Uh…taller? :'''Martha''': ''[places breakfast in front of him]'' Here you go. Oh, it's good to see you this morning, Laramie. :'''Lars (Steven)''': ''[smiling]'' Who's Laramie? :'''Martha''': I mean…Lars. ''[sits down next to her husband at the table]'' :'''Dante''': Now, Lars, we know school is a touchy subject, but we need to talk about this. ''[shows him his grade report]'' :'''Lars (Steven)''': ''[literally reading]'' "F-F-F-F-F-F-B-D-F." That doesn't spell anything. :'''Martha''': Please, Lars. We let you move into the attic, and your grades are still below average. All we're asking from you is… :'''Dante & Martha''': A little effort! :'''Lars (Steven)''': Wow. You guys seem so nice. I'm sure I don't want to let either of you down. I, Lars, promise to go out and do my very best at being your son. ''[gets up and leaves]'' :'''Dante''': Wow! He didn't even swear. :'''Martha''': And he's wearing the plugs I got him. <hr width="50%"> :'''Lars''': ''[slowly getting up]'' Mmm… Huh? Sadie? ''[gasps in shock as he notices everyone looking at him]'' How did I get here?! ''[stands up, panicking]'' What are you all doing here?! :'''Sadie''': Lars, don't get mad. :'''Lars''': Huh?! :'''Sadie''': But Steven really didn't mean to… :'''Lars''': ''[furiously turns to Steven]'' '''''You!''''' What did you do?! :''[Jenny, Sour Cream, and Buck rush in front of him, defending Steven]'' :'''Steven''': ''[nervously]'' I spent the day… with my mind… in your body. :''[Lars gasps in shock and screams in disgust]'' :'''Jenny''': Whoa. Where's your chill? :'''Buck''': Buck is no longer pleased. :'''Martha''': I'm so sorry. He wasn't like this this morning. :'''Lars''': I was acting weird all day and you all just '''''LIKED''''' '''IT?!''' :'''Dante''': Please don't make a scene, Laramie. ===''Beach City Drift''=== :'''Steven''': They told me, "there wasn't enough room on the road for the universe." And I told them, "the universe ''is'' my road." <hr width=50% /> :''[Connie and Steven lie down on a car hood by the "It's a Wash" car wash at night; Steven grumpily sighs]'' :'''Connie''': Still mad about Kevin? :'''Steven''': '''Yes'''. :'''Connie''': Me too. ''[Steven sits up]'' :'''Steven''': You don't seem mad. :'''Connie''': ''[sits up]'' I'm thinking mad. I still feel like there's something big I want to say to him, you know? Something to make him think, like we're thinking. :'''Steven''': Yeah. Too bad we can't just... race against him—to use the first place ribbon to wipe that smug look off his face! :'''Connie''': But we're kids. Kids can't drive. That's against the law. :'''Steven''': We weren't kids when we met Kevin. :'''Connie''': ''[smirking]'' I smell what you're steppin' in. :'''Steven''': Ew. <hr width=50% /> :'''Kevin''': Feel like giving up yet? :'''Stevonnie''': Ugh! Why do you have to be such a jerk all the time?! ''[Kevin becomes sentimental]'' :'''Kevin''': The truth is, I don't mean to be this way. I-I just lash out because of my little brother. ''[inhales sharply, sighs]'' He's sick. Been sick all our lives. Sometimes I think if I act real cool and never let anyone see my pain, then maybe the pain will go away. And maybe... ''[covers face with his hand]'' I can take his pain away, too. :'''Stevonnie''': Kevin... I had no idea. :''[Kevin starts sniffling with his hand still on his face; he slowly starts laughing idiotically]'' :'''Kevin''': Dude! I don't even have a brother! I'm like this because I think it's funny! :'''Stevonnie''': '''URRRGH!!''' :'''Kevin''': Chowzers. ===''Restaurant Wars''=== ===''Alone at Sea''=== :''[amid the dark clouds, Steven sees Lapis on the stem of the boat staring at the ocean]'' :'''Steven''': Lapis? Um... I have some not-so-good news. There's trouble with the engine, and we might be stuck out here for a while. ''[Lapis sighs. He pauses]'' I'm so sorry! This whole thing is my fault. I just wanted you to have fun, but e-everything's a mess. I-I shouldn't have made you come on this trip. ''[Lapis then walks to the right]'' :'''Lapis''': It's my fault. I'm the one to blame. :'''Steven''': That's not true! :'''Lapis''': I'm really trying to enjoy it out here, but... I can't stop thinking about being fused as Malachite. How I used all my strength to hold her down in the ocean, and how I was always battling against Jasper to keep her bound to me. :'''Steven''': But it's not like that anymore. You don't have to be with Jasper. :'''Lapis''': That's not it. I... I miss her. :'''Steven''': ''[shocked]'' What?! :'''Lapis''': We were fused for so long. :'''Steven''': But... she's terrible! :'''Lapis''': ''I'm'' terrible! I did horrible things! I-I broke your dad's leg, I stole Earth's ocean! Go on! Tell me I'm wrong! ===''Greg the Babysitter''=== :''[Greg, Rose Quartz and baby Sour Cream lie down on the beach under a parasol]'' :'''Rose''': You wouldn't believe how long it took me to figure out that this and you are the same thing. :'''Greg''': ''[beat]'' What do you mean? :'''Rose''': You're both human! You have to admit, it's a little confusing. You're big and can talk, and he's small and can only make noises. How was I supposed to know you were the same species? :'''Greg''': ''[chuckles nervously]'' What? :'''Rose''': I know, it's silly. But then I started to notice that... you grow. :'''Greg''': Well, can't play guitar with little baby hands. :''[Rose giggles and then pauses for a moment]'' :'''Rose''': When a gem is made, it's for a reason. They burst out of the ground already knowing what they're supposed to be, and then... that's what they are. Forever. But you, you're supposed to change. You're never the same, even moment to moment—you're allowed and expected to invent who you are. What an incredible power... the ability to grow up. :'''Greg''': ''[pause]'' Wow. Those would make some pretty good lyrics. Hold on! Watch Sour Cream a second. ''[runs off]'' I gotta write this down! ===''Gem Hunt''=== :'''Connie''': So, why were there humanoid tracks out there? They weren't ours, and they weren't Pearl's... It couldn't have been the monster, unless it's just some {{w|Scooby-Doo|guy in a monster suit}}. But that kind of thing only happens in cartoons. Usually over a property dispute. <hr width=50%/> :'''Connie''': All we have to do is follow these tracks. ''[takes a handful of snow and tastes it]'' Yeah. These are fresh. We trail it until it stops to rest. :'''Steven''': Wow, Connie! You're a wilderness expert. :'''Connie''': Well, I like to be prepared. When civilization collapses and this world ends, I need to be ready to build the new one. :'''Steven''': Yeah. I guess if Homeworld invades Earth, things could get pretty crazy for humanity. :'''Connie''': Forget Gems! Humans are already starting their own demise! Peak oils, Steven! How do we handle terminal decline without alternate energy sources?! <hr width=50%> :'''Jasper''': ''[chuckles sinisterly]'' Hey, Rose, look what I got. ===''Crack the Whip''=== :'''Jasper''': ''[confronts Amethyst]'' I came here to fight Rose, not some runt! :'''Amethyst''': You think you can just keep showing up and picking fights with us? Hah! Why don't you get a '''life'''?!! :'''Jasper''': Fighting ''is'' my life! It's what I was made for! ''[points at her]'' It's what you were made for too, runt! :'''Amethyst''': So? I've got other stuff goin' on. I can fight JUST '''FINE!!''' ''[lashes her whip at Jasper, who catches it easily]'' :'''Jasper''': Well, then... let's see it! :''[she pulls Amethyst holding her whip, kicks her, spin-dashes her numerous times on the sand. She struggles to get up in front of Jasper]'' :'''Jasper''': You're not even trying. Is it because you know you're already a failure? ''[Amethyst looks up at her]'' You're a quartz soldier, just like me. But you're not like me, are you? :''[cut to show Steven, Connie and Lion fighting the corrupted gem monster; Jasper chuckles as Amethyst gets up]'' :'''Jasper''': You're small! ''[begins rapidly punching Amethyst, slamming her down; Steven sees them]'' :'''Steven''': Amethyst?! ''[the monster lunges its hand near them]'' :'''Jasper''': Are you that desperate for troops, Rose, that you keep a defect like this?! ''[Amethyst slowly stands up]'' :'''Amethyst''': Rose said... I'm perfect... the way I am! :'''Jasper''': Then she had low standards. ''[an enraged Amethyst charges at Jasper with her spin-dash]'' You... could've been me! ''[kicks Amethyst into the air, falls down as she watches Jasper face to face]'' And what are you instead? ''[Amethyst slams into the ground]'' :'''Connie/Steven''': Amethyst! ''[a badly bruised Amethyst looks back at Jasper]'' :'''Jasper''': Just a joke. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jasper''': ''[shocked to see Steven and Connie fused into Stevonnie]'' You fused?! :'''Stevonnie''': ''[catches Amethyst's gem]'' Whoa! I did! :'''Jasper''': You Crystal Gems would even fuse with a human?! :'''Stevonnie''': ''[facing Jasper]'' I don't wanna hear ANYTHING you say! ''[holds up Amethyst's gem]'' Unless it's "sorry." ===''Steven vs. Amethyst''=== :'''Steven''': ''[loses to Amethyst on "Lonely Blade" video game]'' That was crazy good, Amethyst! Nice job! :'''Amethyst''': Knock it off, Steven. I know you let me win. :'''Steven''': ''[stammers]'' Wha— ''me''? No, I— pfff... nooo... ''[Amethyst shuts TV off]'' :'''Amethyst''': You weren't even trying. :'''Steven''': I'm sorry. I just wanted you to feel better. :'''Amethyst''': Great, and now you're even more mature than me. :'''Steven''': Amethyst? :'''Amethyst''': You're supposed to be the rookie but now you're better than me at everything! ''[sighs]'' Now I'm the worst Crystal Gem. :'''Steven''': Wha-what? :'''Amethyst''': Ugh! ''[mutters]'' You know what I mean, Steven. :'''Steven''': Uhh, not really! I thought you guys ''wanted'' me to be strong. An-and now I am, and you're mad at me?! :'''Amethyst''': No! I get mad at myself! That's, ugh, the thing I do! I get mad at myself, and then it makes me suck at everything I do even more. :'''Steven''': ''[sighs]'' Amethyst, you don't suck. You do so many cool things. You have two whips. Two whips! And the dash thing? Amethyst, you're so much better than me! :'''Amethyst''': No way. You have Rose's shield, and bubble, and the floating thing, and— ''[grunts]'' I'd just be floating all day! :'''Steven''': Floating? I forget to use that half the time! And the rest of the time my powers aren't even guaranteed to work! I'm... I'm way worse than you! :'''Amethyst''': Nuh-uh! ''I'm'' the worst! :'''Steven''': No way, I am! I'll prove it! I'll-I'll fight you, and show you how bad I am! :'''Amethyst''': Fine! Let's do it!! :'''Both''': Let the worst gem lose!! <hr width=50% /> :''[Steven and Amethyst lie down on the floor for a beat, they start up laughing amongst themselves]'' :'''Steven''': What's wrong with us? ''[continues laughing]'' :'''Amethyst''': Well, I know what's wrong with me. I'm not supposed to be small. And everyone's always acting like there's no problem. "You can be anything you wanna be!" No, I can't! ''[sighs]'' I can't even be the one thing I'm supposed to be, you know? :'''Steven''': Of course I do. I'm... not Rose Quartz. :'''Amethyst''': ''[hits her face]'' Oh no! Oh, Steven— :'''Steven''': Why do you think I've been working so hard? :'''Amethyst''': Well... it's paying off. :'''Steven''': ''[chuckling, gets up]'' I sure hope so. :''[Amethyst sees Steven holding out his hand to her, smiles. She swings her arm but misses, laughing; she misses again before she finally catches his hand. She gets up and laughs with Steven]'' :'''Amethyst''': Thanks, Steven. ''[Pearl gasps in horror at the entrance]'' :'''Pearl''': What did you two do?! You've ruined the ruins! :'''Amethyst''': Whoops. :'''Steven''': I don't think we're gonna see the prize pouch for a while. ===''{{w|Bismuth (Steven Universe)|Bismuth}}''=== :''[Steven and the Gems take Bismuth to the strawberry battlefield]'' :'''Garnet''': Homeworld's final attack on Earth wiped out all of the Crystal Gems. :'''Pearl''': Rose was able to protect Garnet and myself, and by the looks of it, she was able to protect you as well. ''[Bismuth picks up a rusty battle-axe]'' :'''Bismuth''': I knew those Homeworld elites were twisted. How many of us did they shatter? Crazy Lace? Biggs?! Snowflake?! If I was there, I-'''I coulda stopped it!!''' :'''Garnet''': It's not like they've stopped trying. :'''Bismuth''': What's that? :'''Garnet''': Homeworld still has its eyes on this planet. :'''Pearl''': We continue to thwart their plans over and over. ''[Steven runs over followed by Amethyst]'' :'''Steven''': But they just keep coming back! :'''Amethyst''': Yep. They want us bad. :'''Bismuth''': Good. I thought I wouldn't get another chance to show those upper-crusts who's ''boss''! Let's show 'em what happens when you mess with the Crystal Gems! ''[slams battle-axe to the ground with a loud roar; Steven smiles]'' :'''Steven''': Yeah. <hr width=50% /> :'''Bismuth''': Rose Quartz changed my life. I came to Earth thinking this was just another colony. Build another arena for important fighters to fight in, build another spire for important thinkers to think in, and then I met her. Just another quartz soldier, made right here in the dirt, but she was different. And she was different because she decided to be. And she asked me what I wanted to build, and I'd never heard that before. And Gems never hear they can be anything other than what they are, but Rose opened our eyes. :'''Steven''': Everybody always tells me how great Mom was. I just don't feel like I can ever measure up to her. ''[Bismuth chuckles out loud]'' :'''Bismuth''': I can't believe this... that I'm the one giving the pep talk to Rose's... Rose's...? :'''Steven''': Son. :'''Bismuth''': Right. You are different. That's what's so exciting. You don't have to be like Rose Quartz. You can be someone even better. You can be you. And you know what? You deserve an even better weapon. <hr width=50% /> :''[Steven walks to a severely injured Bismuth holding the Breaking Point]'' :'''Steven''': Bismuth... this has to stop. :'''Bismuth''': So what are you gonna do, shatter me?! ''[grabs Breaking Point to her gemstone]'' Go ahead! <big>'''JUST ''DO IT''!!!'''</big> :'''Steven''': ..No! Even if we don't agree, nobody deserves this! ''[Bismuth pauses, yanks Breaking Point from Steven. He steps back, stops at Rose's sword, draws it out as Bismuth advances—SHING!!]'' :''[for a long beat, Steven sees Bismuth impaled holding Rose's sword]'' :'''Bismuth''': ..You shoulda shattered me back then. At least if I were in pieces, I wouldn't have to know how little I mattered to you. You didn't even tell 'em. You bubbled me away and didn't ever tell your friends... My friends... :'''Steven''': I'm going to tell them! I'm gonna tell them everything. ''[Bismuth takes in a surprise, chuckles in her tears]'' :'''Bismuth''': Then you really are better than her. ===''Beta''=== :''[Peridot and Lapis Lazuli are watching "Camp Pining Hearts" on the truck sticking out over the barn's entrance]'' :'''Percy''': ''[in the show]'' But Paulette, I need you! :'''Peridot''': Oh, get over it, Percy. Go make another friendship bracelet. :'''Lapis''': Seriously. <hr width=50% /> :'''Steven''': Wow, you guys are looking good. And I love what you did to the barn! :'''Peridot''': Aww, I know. But wait, wait - you guys ''have'' to see the inside! Lapis, fly us in! :'''Lapis''': ''[smiling]'' Nnnno. <hr width=50% /> :''[Inside the barn]'' :'''Amethyst''': You did all this stuff on purpose? Like, you didn't just knock over a bunch of paint cans and go, "Eh, just leave it"? :'''Peridot''': Oh, no. This was all very intentional. You see, I had this idea: What if we made music, but instead of sounds, we use things! :'''Amethyst''': That's dumb. :'''Steven''': Guys, that's art! :'''Peridot''': Art? That sounds ridiculous! :'''Lapis''': I've been calling it "meepmorp". :'''Peridot''': Let us show you our... morps. ''[chuckles]'' :''[She shows them something made from her broken recorder, some cassettes and a blue ribbon]'' :'''Peridot''': This piece is called "Wow, thanks". It represents the struggles of intercommunication. The tape is the ribbon that binds our experience on Earth together. It has no functional purpose! It just makes me feel bad! ''[smiles proudly]'' :''[Lapis shows them a baseball bat, mitt and ball hanging from a stick by string]'' :'''Lapis''': Here's my meepmorp. This is a baseball bat. It reminds me of when I played baseball. ''[walks backwards to a leaf sitting on a rock]'' This is a leaf that Steven gave me. It reminds me of the time Steven... gave me a leaf. :'''Steven''': Hey, yeah, it reminds me of that too! ''[Peridot grins; Amethyst looks nauseated]'' :''[Next is a TV with two mirrors attached, playing Percy in ''Camp Pining Hearts'' saying "I just feel trapped" over and over]'' :'''Steven''': ''[worried]'' Is this one about... the thousands of years you spent trapped in the mirror? :'''Lapis''': No. I just really like that show. <hr width=50% /> :'''Peridot''': Wow, Amethyst doesn't seem to understand morons at all. :'''Steven''': No, ''[sighs]'' it's something else. Amethyst found out she's supposed to be just like Jasper. :'''Peridot''': Meh? :'''Steven''': Jasper took her down in a fight, and now, she's obsessed with getting a rematch, to prove she's good enough. :'''Peridot''': Hmm. Amethyst, Ams, Big A. ''You'' are ''way'' better than Jasper! :'''Amethyst''': What? Oh. ''[to Steven]'' What did you tell her? :'''Steven''': I, uh… :'''Peridot''': What are you even doing comparing yourself to her? Oh, Amethyst, that's ridiculous. I should call you "Ridiculousthyst." ''[laughs]'' I mean, seriously, Amethyst and Jasper are ''completely'' different Quartzes. Sure, you're both from Earth, but your Kindergartners are ''radically'' different. :'''Steven''': What? Hold-- Hold on. What?! :'''Amethyst''': We're both from Earth? :'''Peridot''': Well, sure. Amethyst, you're from the Prime Kindergarten in Facet 5. ''She's'' from the ''Beta'' Kindergarten, in Facet 9. Have you ''seen'' that place? :'''Amethyst''': No! :'''Peridot''': Oh. Well, maybe you should, so you could see how the other half was made… Poorly! ''[laughs]'' No, seriously. Let's go. You'll get a kick out of this. <hr width=50% /> :'''Peridot''': Here we are, Jasper's origin-- the Beta Kindergarten. :'''Steven''': Am I underwhelmed? It's pretty bright out here. :'''Amethyst''': It's red. :'''Peridot''': No kidding. Red sandstone! Ha! This is what I'm talking about. We're lucky this place hasn't blown away. Beta, am I right? :'''Steven''': ''[laughs]'' That's a math joke, right? :'''Peridot''': Come on. It gets worse. I mean, this place has got the right growing conditions in a pinch, I guess, but it's too small! It was obviously a total rush job. :'''Steven''': A rush job? :'''Peridot''': Halfway through the rebellion, Homeworld scrambled to generate extra soldiers on the ground. Look at this-- the holes don't even line up! ''[scoffs]'' It's like they just threw injectors down wherever. Oh, and that one? This Carnelian came out sideways. How could she not? The walls are curved! ''[laughs]'' What a joke. <hr width=50% /> :'''Peridot''': What you want to see is a vertical alignment; no angle in the exit; a clean, strong silhouette. None of these holes come close! :'''Amethyst''': What about that one? :''[They look up at Jasper's big exit hole]'' :'''Peridot''': Jasper. :'''Steven''': ''This'' is Jasper's hole? :'''Amethyst''': It's huge! :'''Peridot''': Oh, come on. We already know she's tall. Let's take a closer look. ===''Earthlings''=== :'''Jasper''': Pipe down! You take orders from me now! You used to be a Quartz too, didn't you? What happened to you? Tch. Disgraceful. I can't believe I've resorted to recruiting you freaks! You're almost as bad as that Crystal ''runt''! Just look at you. This planet ruins everything! Well, (''chuckles'') except for me. <hr width=50% /> :'''Jasper''': Every Gem is made for a purpose—to serve the order of the Diamonds. Those who cannot fit inside this order must be purged! To come out misshapen, to reshape yourself outside your purpose, and to defend this worthless, ruined planet is a disgrace! <hr width=50% /> :''[Steven throws his shield over a towering Injector; Amethyst backs away from Jasper as it falls between them]'' :'''Amethyst''': Steven... I-I can't win. No matter what I do, no matter how hard I work, she came out right, and I came out... wrong. :'''Steven''': That's just what Jasper thinks! She's the only one who thinks you should be like her! :'''Amethyst''': But— :'''Steven''': Stop trying to be like Jasper. You're ''nothing'' like Jasper! You're like ''me''!! Because we're both not like anybody! And yeah, it sucks! ''[Jasper lifts up the Injector and throws it aside]'' But at least I've got you. And you've got me! ''[tearing up]'' So stop leaving me out of this! :'''Amethyst''': Us worse Gems stick together... ''[sniffles]'' right? ''[Steven holds out his hand]'' :'''Steven''': That's why we're the best. :''[Amethyst takes his hand, and they hug - and fuse]'' :'''Smoky Quartz''': What a ''BEAUTIFUL'' DAY! :'''Jasper''': Huh?! Who are you supposed to be?! <hr width=50% /> :''[After briefly fusing with a corrupted Gem, the corruption spreads slowly in Jasper's left arm]'' :'''Peridot''': Eww, that's disgusting! :'''Smoky Quartz''': It's... corruption. ''[separates back into Steven and Amethyst]'' :'''Amethyst''': Steven, be careful. :'''Steven''': But this just happened - maybe I can do something! Jasper, it's okay. I'm here. ''[starts approaching her]'' :'''Jasper''': ''[snarling]'' Rose... :'''Steven''': I'm not Rose, I'm Steven. I just wanna try and heal you. ''[licks his palm and reaches for her - but she slashes at him, tearing his shirt]'' :'''Amethyst''': Steven!! :''[Peridot unsuccessfully tries to mentally move the metal rod again]'' :'''Steven''': ''[as Amethyst tries to charge at Jasper]'' Stop! :'''Jasper''': ''[chuckles]'' I see how you do it now, Rose... You want Gems after they're worthless. You wait until after they've lost! Because when you're at the bottom... you'll follow ''anyone'' that makes you feel like less of a failure. ''[as Peridot rushes over]'' Huh... Just look at this one! You've stripped her of everything! Her limb enhancers, her status, her dignity... :'''Peridot''': I still have one of those things. :'''Jasper''': ''How can you side with Rose Quartz?!'' Why? Why protect this useless shell of a planet?! :'''Peridot''': It's not a shell. There's so much life, living here. ''[smiling]'' That's what ''I'm'' doing! I'm living here! I've been learning new things about myself all the time! Like how I can make metal do my bidding! ''[tries to show this off, but the rod just falls behind her]'' The point being: Earth can set you free. ''[Steven smiles]'' :'''Jasper''': ''[angrily, as the corruption spreads rapidly in her body]'' Earth... is a prison! I got out because I'm better than this place...! :'''Steven''': It's getting worse. :'''Jasper''': I only came back to finish you off...! :'''Steven''': Try not to move! :'''Jasper''': ''You can't manipulate me, Rose Quartz!'' :'''Steven''': I-- I'm not manipulating! I'm trying to help! :'''Jasper''': Help...? ''HELP?!'' I've been fighting from the second I broke free of the Earth's crust! Because of what ''YOU'' did to my colony! Because of what '''YOU''' did to my planet! Because of what '''YOU''' did to my Diamond! :'''Steven''': ''[confsed]'' I... Yellow Diamond? :'''Jasper''': Wha...?! ''MY'' DIAMOND! ''YOUR'' DIAMOND! <big>'''''PINK DIAMOND!!!'''''</big> :''[Her corruption worsening, Jasper becomes barely recognizable and looks ready to attack; Peridot finally gets the metal rod to move, plunging it into Jasper and making her poof]'' :'''Peridot''': ''[after a brief silence]'' You're... welcome. :'''Amethyst''': ''[smiles, then walks over to Jasper's gem and sighs]'' Come here, sis. ''[bubbles her]'' ===''Back to the Moon''=== :''[the Rubies walk up the moon base stairway followed by Amethyst (as Jasper), Pearl, Garnet and Steven]'' :'''"Eyeball" Ruby''': The Earth was Pink Diamond's colony. Everything was going smoothly at first. Kindergartens were incubating their first soldiers—big, warm pieces of quartz, like this mountain over here—were being created from its rich minerals with great success. Then, bam! One of Pink Diamond's very own quartz soldiers started a rebellion and took it too far. Where were you when that happened? :'''Amethyst''': Oh, you know... around. ''["Eyeball" turns to Amethyst]'' :'''"Eyeball" Ruby''': I was there. I saw it with my own eye. I watched the leader of the Crystal Gems, Rose Quartz... ''[projects her light on the mural]'' shatter Pink Diamond! :''[Steven looks up in his horror; Garnet is frozen still for a beat, Pearl starts shivering in fear]'' :'''Steven''': No... ''[beat]'' Rose Quartz w-would never do that! ''[tearing up]'' A-And, sure, she had to fight but... But she would never shatter someone! ===''Bubbled''=== :''[Steven (in his bubble) and "Eyeball" Ruby drift in space far away from the Earth]'' :'''Steven''': There goes the Earth. :'''"Eyeball" Ruby''': There goes my whole platoon! ''[growls at him]'' This is a mess! ''[walks around his bubble]'' What'll I say about my report?! How will I even ''make'' my report?! This is a nightmare! ''[looks down at him]'' And this is all ''your'' fault. :'''Steven''': Whoa, hey, no it's not! You were trying to hurt my friends! :'''"Eyeball" Ruby''': But you opened the airlock in the moon base. ''You'' sent us flying into space with no hope of ever returning! :'''Steven''': ''[long pause]'' Okay, so maybe that was my fault. I'm sorry. There! Are you happy? :'''"Eyeball" Ruby''': No! Lucky you're in that bubble, or I'd pop you right in the face. :'''Steven''': Well, if you're going to be a grump about it, then we can just float in silence until we both die! :'''"Eyeball" Ruby''': Sounds great! :'''Steven''': Fine! :'''"Eyeball" Ruby''': I can't wait!! :'''Steven''': Me neither! <hr width=50% /> :'''"Eyeball" Ruby''': When I heard rumors there might still be Crystal Gems on Earth, I couldn't believe it. A thousand years of fighting were all for nothing! And Rose Quartz might still be alive? ''[scoffs, rolls on her side]'' She must be. Why else would someone as important as Jasper be back on Earth? For closure, that's why. I wanted it, too. I wanted to see Rose Quartz with my own eye. At the very least, I thought Jasper might have some answers, but... it wasn't even her. Just another trick. <hr width=50% /> :'''Steven''': How come nobody told me about Pink Diamond? :'''Garnet''': We all did what we had to during the war. Everything's different now. :'''Steven''': But did Mom really do it? Did she really... shatter her? :'''Garnet''': She had to. The Earth belonged to Pink Diamond. Destroying her was the only way to save the planet. For Amethyst to be herself, for Pearl to be free, for me to be together. ''[clutches her hand]'' For you to exist. :'''Steven''': But I thought... a-at least she'd never— :'''Garnet''': She didn't always do what was best for her. But she always did what was best for Earth. :'''Steven''': Even... if it meant shattering someone? :'''Garnet''': Yes. :''[Steven pauses, takes a deep breath and sighs as the Gems pilot the Rubies' Roaming Eye back to Earth]'' :'''Steven''': Thanks for telling me. [[Category:Steven Universe seasons]] swyvshm31l67l13tdee64conz3wve3c 0 197225 3153062 3128552 2022-08-10T00:36:24Z 2604:2D80:5197:2600:9D07:20B0:3D1E:A663 /* How to Say I Love Roo (2.1) */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:My Friends Tigger & Pooh|My Friends Tigger & Pooh]]''''' (2007-2010) was an American computer-animated children's television series inspired by A. A. Milne's Winnie-the-Pooh. The series features Pooh and other characters from the book and prior television adaptations and introduces two new characters: Christopher Robin's 6-year-old best friend Darby and her dog Buster. Darby is the main human protagonist and the series' hostess and the leader of the Super Sleuths. Christopher Robin, her college-bound older best friend, makes two appearances over the course of the series. == 2005 test pilot == :''[Tigger and Pooh are sitting by a pond while Tigger tries to count his stripes]'' :'''Tigger''': Countin' my own stripes is harder than I thought. Hey, Pooh boy! Did ya see me count this one already? I think it was either five, or eight. :'''Pooh''': Eight? "Eight" lunch? No, not yet but, my tummy was just asking about it. :'''Tigger''': ''[gasps]'' Look! It's the Sleuthin'-Alarm flag! Somebody needs our help. Time to get into our, '''SUPER''' '''''COSTUUUUUMES'''''!!! :'''Pooh''': I don't suppose we can help them, ''after'' lunch? :'''Tigger''': When the flag flies high, it's time to fly! Super Sleuths... ''[blows raspberry]'' ...are on the case! Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Pooh''': ''[looks at his tummy]'' Oh, well. I'm afraid you shall just have to wait. ''[breaks the fourth wall]'' Um, can you keep an eye on my tummy until I get back, please? Thank you. :''[Pooh goes inside the tree. Seconds later, Tigger jumps out from the top of the tree and Pooh crawls out from the bottom, not noticing they're wearing each other's costumes]'' :'''Tigger''': Ta-da! ''[chuckles, gasps]'' OK, we gotta get some more light in there. ''[whispers to Pooh]'' One more time. :''[Tigger and Pooh jump and crawl back into the tree, repeating the same phase as before, this time, they're wearing the right costumes]'' :'''Tigger''': Now, that's more like it! After all, clothes make the Super Sleuther, don't ya know? ''[breaks the fourth wall]'' And now, the official Super Sleuther's super pose! Is everybody ready? Staaaaaand up! Up, up, up ya go. Good! Now, hands on your hips. Head held high, like that. Hand on your heart, real solum like. ''[chuckles]'' That's a good job you guys are doin'. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Raccoon Journalist''': Super Sleuths! :''[Tigger gasps]'' :'''Raccoon Journalist''': ''[cont.]'' ...don't start the adventure without me! :'''Tigger''': What's there, ol' pal? ''[chuckles]'' I thought ya might pop up. :'''Raccoon Journalist''': I saw the signal. That means another great story for... ''[displays "The Super Sleuth Chronicles" newspaper, with a picture of Tigger returning two eggs to a nest with Pooh watching from below]'' The Super Sleuth Chronicles! :'''Tigger''': Keep your pencils steady, 'cause the Sleuthers, they are ready! ''[chuckles]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tigger''': ''[flying on the scooter with Pooh]'' Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Up up and forward! And then, up some more! Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! :'''Raccoon Journalist''': ''[gazes in amazement]'' Whoa, I love these guys. ''[to viewer]'' I don't just write their stories, you know. Sometimes, I help 'em solve their mysteries. And ''you'' can be part of it, too! Come on! ''[looking at the Super Sleuths]'' Hey, wait for me. ''[gets dragged along by Tigger and Pooh and gets a ride on the scooter with them]'' Whoa! :'''Piglet''': Bye, Super Sleuths! BE CAREFUL! == 2006 pilot == :'''Piglet''': That sounds important, Pooh! :'''Pooh''': ''[posing like a commander]'' I shall not take my responsibilities lightly. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Darby, Tigger, Piglet, Pooh''': Blast off! :'''Tigger''': Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! :'''Darby''': Blast off, number two! :''[Darby grabs Tigger's hand as they fly off to the Moon together]'' :'''Tigger''': Gotcha! == Season 1 == === ''Rabbit's Ruta-wakening'' (1.1) === :''[first lines; Rabbit opens the door and hums a tune. Suddenly he notices something strange in his garden.]'' :'''Rabbit''': Not again! :''[At Winnie the Pooh's house; Pooh is sitting on his log eating honey while Darby and Buster are playing fetch with a tennis ball. Darby throws the ball inbetween both hands and throws it]'' :'''Darby''': OK, boy! Go get it. :''[Buster runs off]'' :'''Darby''': ''[to audience]'' Watch what Buster can do! ''[Buster comes back with the ball.]'' He's a really good fetcher. ''[Just as Darby is about to throw the ball again, the Sleuther siren sounds.]'' :'''Darby''': Somebody sounded the Sleuther siren. Come on, everybody! We have to meet Tigger at the Changing Tree. :''[Darby and Buster run off, Pooh puts his honey pot down and follows after them.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Darby''': Hmmph. Morning. Sleuths, we have our first clue! The rutabagas were there when Rabbit went to bed, but they were gone when he woke up in the morning. So that means they must've been taken. :'''Pooh''': Perhaps, during the night? :'''Darby''': Good job, Pooh! Way to sleuth. :''[Pooh giggles]'' :'''Darby''': So our first step is to start asking questions. :'''Tigger''': OK, what's eleventy times forty-thirteen? :'''Darby''': Not that kind of question, Tigger. We have to ask our friends if they heard or saw anything last night. We'll start with Piglet. === ''Tigger's Shadow of a Doubt'' (1.2) === :''[Darby and Pooh are playing Pooh sticks]'' :'''Darby''': Go, stick, go! :'''Pooh''': Go, little stick! Go! Go! ''[The sticks cross at the same time]'' A tie. ''[chuckles]'' Our sticks must like, "sticking" together. :''[the Sleuther Siren sounds]'' :'''Darby''': The Super Sleuth siren. That means somebody needs our help. Come on, let's check it out. :'''Pooh''': Uh, do you suppose that Tigger, and the shadow, heard the siren, too? :'''Tigger''': Heard it?! I si-reened it! While I was nappin', my shadow got shadow-napped! ''[points to the ground]'' You see? He's gone. :''[Buster sniffs at the part of the ground Tigger pointed at.]'' :'''Tigger''': The poor little guy, he's somewhere out there, all alone. ''[sobs]'' :'''Pooh''': Then we shall find him. :'''Tigger''': ''[gasps, then bounces toward Pooh and Darby, who are walking the other way]'' HEY! We can't go sleuther-in' lookin' like this. There are rules, ya know, and prode-cedures. We gotta get all Super Sleuthed up first. :'''Darby''': ''[giggles]'' But Tigger, it's only us. :'''Tigger''': Tut-tut-tut-tut. No buts and seriffins. To the Changin' Tree! === Episode 2 === ==== ''How to Say I Love Roo'' (2.1) ==== :'''Darby''': so roo, what do you want to give to Kanga on I love you day? :'''Pooh''': a pot of honey? :'''Tigger''': or bouncing Springs? :'''Roo''': I didn't know what I wanted to give her. I just decided that I wanted to give her an envelope, but I didn't know how to make one. :'''Tigger''': then this has a love-mystery to solve. We need a envelope for some Springs or a or a.. yaah.. I forgot. :'''Darby''': hey I know an idea. We will slip and invitation and put it in an envelope. That way when she finds it she'll say what a lovely present. === Episode 3 === ==== ''Piglet's Piglet's Echo Echo'' (3.1) ==== === Episode 4 === ==== ''Eeyore's Tale of the Missing Tail'' (8.6) ==== === Episode 5 === ==== ''Pooh Light Up My Life'' (8.6) ==== === Episode 6 === ==== ''Lumpy Spends the Night'' (8.4) ==== === Episode 7 === ==== ''Good Night to Pooh'' (8.4) ==== === Episode 8 === ==== ''Eeyore's Sad Day'' (7.4) ==== === Episode 9 === ==== ''Bedtime for Bouncer'' (7.4) ==== === Episode 10 === ==== ''No Rumbly in Pooh's Tumbly'' (6.5) ==== === Episode 11 === ==== ''Pooh-Rates of the Hundred Acre Wood'' (11.1) ==== === Episode 12 === ==== ''Darby's Tail'' (12.1) ==== === Episode 13 === ==== ''Super-Sized Darby'' (13.1) ==== ==== ''Piglet's Lightning Frightening'' (13.2) ==== === Episode 14 === ==== ''Chasing Pooh's Rainbow'' (14.1) ==== === Episode 15 === ==== ''Porcupine's Pen Pal'' (15.1) === === Episode 16 === ==== ''Eeyore's Trip To The Moon'' (16.1) === Episode 17 === ==== ''Eeyore's Home Sweet Home'' (17.1) ==== === Episode 18 === ==== ''Many Thanks for Christopher Robin'' (18.1) ==== === Episode 19 === ==== ''Pooh's Double Trouble'' (19.1) ==== ==== ''Eeyore Sleeps on It'' (19.2) ==== === ''[[w:Super Sleuth Christmas Movie|Super Sleuth Christmas Movie]]'' === === Episode 20 === ==== ''Darby's Tooth and Nothin' But the Tooth'' (20.1) ==== === Episode 21 === ==== ''Symphony for a Rabbit'' (21.1) ==== ==== ''Tigger Goes Snowflaky'' (21.2) ==== === Episode 22 === ==== ''Buster's Bath'' (22.1) ==== === Episode 23 === ==== ''Lumpy's Alvin Goes to Pieces'' (23.1) ==== ==== ''Rabbit's Eggcellent Adventure'' (23.2) ==== === Episode 24 === ==== ''Flowers From Roo'' (24.1) ==== === Episode 25 === ==== ''Christopher Froggin'' (25.1) === === Episode 26 === ==== ''Darby, Solo Sleuth'' (26.1) ==== ==== ''Doggone Buster'' (26.2) ==== == Cast == * [[w:Chloë Grace Moretz|Chloë Grace Moretz]] as Darby * [[w:Dee Bradley Baker|Dee Bradley Baker]] as Buster, Woodpecker, Raccoon Journalist * [[w:Jim Cummings|Jim Cummings]] as Winnie the Pooh, Tigger, Beaver * [[w:Travis Oates|Travis Oates]] as Piglet * [[Peter Cullen]] as Eeyore * [[w:Ken Sansom|Ken Sansom]] as Rabbit * [[w:Kath Soucie|Kath Soucie]] as Kanga * [[w:Max Burkholder|Max Burkholder]] as Roo * [[w:Kyle Stanger|Kyle Stanger]] as Lumpy * Struan Erlenborn as Christopher Robin * [[w:Tara Strong|Tara Strong]] as Porcupine, Vixen * [[w:Jeffrey Tambor|Jeffrey Tambor]] as Santa Claus * Mikaila Baumel as Holly * [[Mark Hamill]] as Turtle * [[w:Rob Paulsen|Rob Paulsen]] as Raccoon * [[w:James Arnold Taylor|James Arnold Taylor]] as Skunk * [[w:Brenda Blethyn|Brenda Blethyn]] as Mama Heffalump * Sydney Saylor as the Possums == External links == {{wikipedia|My Friends Tigger & Pooh}} *[http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0805905/ IMDb] *[http://www.tv.com/shows/my-friends-tigger-and-pooh/ TV.com] [[Category:2000s American animated TV shows]] [[Category:2010s American animated TV shows]] [[Category:American animated TV spin-offs]] [[Category:Computer-animated TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated fantasy TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated musical TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated mystery TV shows]] [[Category:American preschool education TV shows]] [[Category:Cancelled shows]] [[Category:Disney Junior shows]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about bears]] [[Category:TV shows about tigers]] [[Category:Television series by Disney Television Animation]] 0vps06jrhravv1vnfzy7ow1alct3i9o 3153078 3153062 2022-08-10T01:28:05Z 2604:2D80:5197:2600:9D07:20B0:3D1E:A663 /* Episode 3 */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:My Friends Tigger & Pooh|My Friends Tigger & Pooh]]''''' (2007-2010) was an American computer-animated children's television series inspired by A. A. Milne's Winnie-the-Pooh. The series features Pooh and other characters from the book and prior television adaptations and introduces two new characters: Christopher Robin's 6-year-old best friend Darby and her dog Buster. Darby is the main human protagonist and the series' hostess and the leader of the Super Sleuths. Christopher Robin, her college-bound older best friend, makes two appearances over the course of the series. == 2005 test pilot == :''[Tigger and Pooh are sitting by a pond while Tigger tries to count his stripes]'' :'''Tigger''': Countin' my own stripes is harder than I thought. Hey, Pooh boy! Did ya see me count this one already? I think it was either five, or eight. :'''Pooh''': Eight? "Eight" lunch? No, not yet but, my tummy was just asking about it. :'''Tigger''': ''[gasps]'' Look! It's the Sleuthin'-Alarm flag! Somebody needs our help. Time to get into our, '''SUPER''' '''''COSTUUUUUMES'''''!!! :'''Pooh''': I don't suppose we can help them, ''after'' lunch? :'''Tigger''': When the flag flies high, it's time to fly! Super Sleuths... ''[blows raspberry]'' ...are on the case! Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Pooh''': ''[looks at his tummy]'' Oh, well. I'm afraid you shall just have to wait. ''[breaks the fourth wall]'' Um, can you keep an eye on my tummy until I get back, please? Thank you. :''[Pooh goes inside the tree. Seconds later, Tigger jumps out from the top of the tree and Pooh crawls out from the bottom, not noticing they're wearing each other's costumes]'' :'''Tigger''': Ta-da! ''[chuckles, gasps]'' OK, we gotta get some more light in there. ''[whispers to Pooh]'' One more time. :''[Tigger and Pooh jump and crawl back into the tree, repeating the same phase as before, this time, they're wearing the right costumes]'' :'''Tigger''': Now, that's more like it! After all, clothes make the Super Sleuther, don't ya know? ''[breaks the fourth wall]'' And now, the official Super Sleuther's super pose! Is everybody ready? Staaaaaand up! Up, up, up ya go. Good! Now, hands on your hips. Head held high, like that. Hand on your heart, real solum like. ''[chuckles]'' That's a good job you guys are doin'. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Raccoon Journalist''': Super Sleuths! :''[Tigger gasps]'' :'''Raccoon Journalist''': ''[cont.]'' ...don't start the adventure without me! :'''Tigger''': What's there, ol' pal? ''[chuckles]'' I thought ya might pop up. :'''Raccoon Journalist''': I saw the signal. That means another great story for... ''[displays "The Super Sleuth Chronicles" newspaper, with a picture of Tigger returning two eggs to a nest with Pooh watching from below]'' The Super Sleuth Chronicles! :'''Tigger''': Keep your pencils steady, 'cause the Sleuthers, they are ready! ''[chuckles]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tigger''': ''[flying on the scooter with Pooh]'' Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Up up and forward! And then, up some more! Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! :'''Raccoon Journalist''': ''[gazes in amazement]'' Whoa, I love these guys. ''[to viewer]'' I don't just write their stories, you know. Sometimes, I help 'em solve their mysteries. And ''you'' can be part of it, too! Come on! ''[looking at the Super Sleuths]'' Hey, wait for me. ''[gets dragged along by Tigger and Pooh and gets a ride on the scooter with them]'' Whoa! :'''Piglet''': Bye, Super Sleuths! BE CAREFUL! == 2006 pilot == :'''Piglet''': That sounds important, Pooh! :'''Pooh''': ''[posing like a commander]'' I shall not take my responsibilities lightly. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Darby, Tigger, Piglet, Pooh''': Blast off! :'''Tigger''': Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! :'''Darby''': Blast off, number two! :''[Darby grabs Tigger's hand as they fly off to the Moon together]'' :'''Tigger''': Gotcha! == Season 1 == === ''Rabbit's Ruta-wakening'' (1.1) === :''[first lines; Rabbit opens the door and hums a tune. Suddenly he notices something strange in his garden.]'' :'''Rabbit''': Not again! :''[At Winnie the Pooh's house; Pooh is sitting on his log eating honey while Darby and Buster are playing fetch with a tennis ball. Darby throws the ball inbetween both hands and throws it]'' :'''Darby''': OK, boy! Go get it. :''[Buster runs off]'' :'''Darby''': ''[to audience]'' Watch what Buster can do! ''[Buster comes back with the ball.]'' He's a really good fetcher. ''[Just as Darby is about to throw the ball again, the Sleuther siren sounds.]'' :'''Darby''': Somebody sounded the Sleuther siren. Come on, everybody! We have to meet Tigger at the Changing Tree. :''[Darby and Buster run off, Pooh puts his honey pot down and follows after them.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Darby''': Hmmph. Morning. Sleuths, we have our first clue! The rutabagas were there when Rabbit went to bed, but they were gone when he woke up in the morning. So that means they must've been taken. :'''Pooh''': Perhaps, during the night? :'''Darby''': Good job, Pooh! Way to sleuth. :''[Pooh giggles]'' :'''Darby''': So our first step is to start asking questions. :'''Tigger''': OK, what's eleventy times forty-thirteen? :'''Darby''': Not that kind of question, Tigger. We have to ask our friends if they heard or saw anything last night. We'll start with Piglet. === ''Tigger's Shadow of a Doubt'' (1.2) === :''[Darby and Pooh are playing Pooh sticks]'' :'''Darby''': Go, stick, go! :'''Pooh''': Go, little stick! Go! Go! ''[The sticks cross at the same time]'' A tie. ''[chuckles]'' Our sticks must like, "sticking" together. :''[the Sleuther Siren sounds]'' :'''Darby''': The Super Sleuth siren. That means somebody needs our help. Come on, let's check it out. :'''Pooh''': Uh, do you suppose that Tigger, and the shadow, heard the siren, too? :'''Tigger''': Heard it?! I si-reened it! While I was nappin', my shadow got shadow-napped! ''[points to the ground]'' You see? He's gone. :''[Buster sniffs at the part of the ground Tigger pointed at.]'' :'''Tigger''': The poor little guy, he's somewhere out there, all alone. ''[sobs]'' :'''Pooh''': Then we shall find him. :'''Tigger''': ''[gasps, then bounces toward Pooh and Darby, who are walking the other way]'' HEY! We can't go sleuther-in' lookin' like this. There are rules, ya know, and prode-cedures. We gotta get all Super Sleuthed up first. :'''Darby''': ''[giggles]'' But Tigger, it's only us. :'''Tigger''': Tut-tut-tut-tut. No buts and seriffins. To the Changin' Tree! === Episode 2 === ==== ''How to Say I Love Roo'' (2.1) ==== :'''Darby''': so roo, what do you want to give to Kanga on I love you day? :'''Pooh''': a pot of honey? :'''Tigger''': or bouncing Springs? :'''Roo''': I didn't know what I wanted to give her. I just decided that I wanted to give her an envelope, but I didn't know how to make one. :'''Tigger''': then this has a love-mystery to solve. We need a envelope for some Springs or a or a.. yaah.. I forgot. :'''Darby''': hey I know an idea. We will slip and invitation and put it in an envelope. That way when she finds it she'll say what a lovely present. === Episode 3 === ==== ''Piglet's Piglet's Echo Echo'' (3.1) ==== ''[Tigger and Pooh with Darby and Buster are playing Pooh sticks]'' :'''Tigger''': gee probably playing Pooh sticks is harder than I thought. But look on the bright side! At least the stick was the farthest to go down the river and won. And plus what a tigger's got to do is the tigger's got to do! Hoo-hoo-hoo! ''[suddenly the Super Sleuth siren goes off]'' :'''Darby''': I think it's time for us to solve a case. Let's go super sleuths! ''[they run to the tree and dress up into their super sleuth clothes]'' :'''Tigger''': any time, :'''Pooh''': any place, :''' Darby, Tigger, Pooh''': the super sleuth are on the case! :'''Pooh''': it looks like that we are going to Piglet's house. :'''Darby''': you're right pooh! he could be in trouble. :'''Tigger''': then let's get this show on the roll! ''[Darby, Tigger, and Pooh get onto their scooters and drive to Piglet's house]'' :'''Tigger''': hello piglet buddy? :'''Darby''': we came to see if you were in trouble. :'''Piglet''': ''[ off screen]'' oh hello Super Sleuths! I just accidentally fell to this hole while raking the leaves. I tried to climb out, but I just fall short. I'm so glad that you came! :'''Tigger''': don't worry buddy. I will save ya! ''[Tigger uses his tail as a rope for piglet to climb, but the tail is too short]'' :'''Tigger''': Hmmmm.... maybe you can't reach this tail. :'''Darby''': don't worry piglet we'll get you out of that hole. :'''Pooh''': you know, I always go to Beaver's Dam so we can solve problems. What do you say if you can go ask for help and get a small smackerl? === Episode 4 === ==== ''Eeyore's Tale of the Missing Tail'' (8.6) ==== === Episode 5 === ==== ''Pooh Light Up My Life'' (8.6) ==== === Episode 6 === ==== ''Lumpy Spends the Night'' (8.4) ==== === Episode 7 === ==== ''Good Night to Pooh'' (8.4) ==== === Episode 8 === ==== ''Eeyore's Sad Day'' (7.4) ==== === Episode 9 === ==== ''Bedtime for Bouncer'' (7.4) ==== === Episode 10 === ==== ''No Rumbly in Pooh's Tumbly'' (6.5) ==== === Episode 11 === ==== ''Pooh-Rates of the Hundred Acre Wood'' (11.1) ==== === Episode 12 === ==== ''Darby's Tail'' (12.1) ==== === Episode 13 === ==== ''Super-Sized Darby'' (13.1) ==== ==== ''Piglet's Lightning Frightening'' (13.2) ==== === Episode 14 === ==== ''Chasing Pooh's Rainbow'' (14.1) ==== === Episode 15 === ==== ''Porcupine's Pen Pal'' (15.1) === === Episode 16 === ==== ''Eeyore's Trip To The Moon'' (16.1) === Episode 17 === ==== ''Eeyore's Home Sweet Home'' (17.1) ==== === Episode 18 === ==== ''Many Thanks for Christopher Robin'' (18.1) ==== === Episode 19 === ==== ''Pooh's Double Trouble'' (19.1) ==== ==== ''Eeyore Sleeps on It'' (19.2) ==== === ''[[w:Super Sleuth Christmas Movie|Super Sleuth Christmas Movie]]'' === === Episode 20 === ==== ''Darby's Tooth and Nothin' But the Tooth'' (20.1) ==== === Episode 21 === ==== ''Symphony for a Rabbit'' (21.1) ==== ==== ''Tigger Goes Snowflaky'' (21.2) ==== === Episode 22 === ==== ''Buster's Bath'' (22.1) ==== === Episode 23 === ==== ''Lumpy's Alvin Goes to Pieces'' (23.1) ==== ==== ''Rabbit's Eggcellent Adventure'' (23.2) ==== === Episode 24 === ==== ''Flowers From Roo'' (24.1) ==== === Episode 25 === ==== ''Christopher Froggin'' (25.1) === === Episode 26 === ==== ''Darby, Solo Sleuth'' (26.1) ==== ==== ''Doggone Buster'' (26.2) ==== == Cast == * [[w:Chloë Grace Moretz|Chloë Grace Moretz]] as Darby * [[w:Dee Bradley Baker|Dee Bradley Baker]] as Buster, Woodpecker, Raccoon Journalist * [[w:Jim Cummings|Jim Cummings]] as Winnie the Pooh, Tigger, Beaver * [[w:Travis Oates|Travis Oates]] as Piglet * [[Peter Cullen]] as Eeyore * [[w:Ken Sansom|Ken Sansom]] as Rabbit * [[w:Kath Soucie|Kath Soucie]] as Kanga * [[w:Max Burkholder|Max Burkholder]] as Roo * [[w:Kyle Stanger|Kyle Stanger]] as Lumpy * Struan Erlenborn as Christopher Robin * [[w:Tara Strong|Tara Strong]] as Porcupine, Vixen * [[w:Jeffrey Tambor|Jeffrey Tambor]] as Santa Claus * Mikaila Baumel as Holly * [[Mark Hamill]] as Turtle * [[w:Rob Paulsen|Rob Paulsen]] as Raccoon * [[w:James Arnold Taylor|James Arnold Taylor]] as Skunk * [[w:Brenda Blethyn|Brenda Blethyn]] as Mama Heffalump * Sydney Saylor as the Possums == External links == {{wikipedia|My Friends Tigger & Pooh}} *[http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0805905/ IMDb] *[http://www.tv.com/shows/my-friends-tigger-and-pooh/ TV.com] [[Category:2000s American animated TV shows]] [[Category:2010s American animated TV shows]] [[Category:American animated TV spin-offs]] [[Category:Computer-animated TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated fantasy TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated musical TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated mystery TV shows]] [[Category:American preschool education TV shows]] [[Category:Cancelled shows]] [[Category:Disney Junior shows]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about bears]] [[Category:TV shows about tigers]] [[Category:Television series by Disney Television Animation]] mgsgngbyljn0mw7a8vuolgo6bwkteea 2 199751 3153103 3151797 2022-08-10T02:14:49Z AC9016 2870313 /* Planned Pages */ wikitext text/x-wiki == About AC9016 == * I am a Wikiquote user who worked on here anonymously from 2011 to when I created an account in 2016. Since then I have done pretty much the same thing as I was doing before- creating pages for movies, books, people and shows and improving existing pages on movies, books, people and shows whenever I can. I have created the list of pages shown below, and have edited many others. I do my best to comply with site formatting and regulations, but most of all I'm trying to make the site better. I believe that making the site better matters more than strict, legalistic adherence to the rules. Wikiquote offers us the opportunity to make books, films, shows, works of a wide range of types and subjects, available for the entire world to view selections from. We can't show them the whole book, but we can show them some of its gems. We can't show them a movie, but we can show people some of its best dialogue and statements. Wikiquote is a great site, and my goal, as I said, is to do as much as I can to make it better than when I found it. --[[User:AC9016|AC9016]] ([[User talk:AC9016|talk]]) 19:58, 7 December 2017 (UTC) :I take great pride in not just the number of pages that exist because of me, but what pages they are- generals, admirals, heroes, movies, wars that have altered the course of history. Getting to create new pages, giving a voice of sorts to individuals and events and institutions that anyone can freely look up and use as a starting point for further research- that, in a nutshell, is the point of Wikipedia and Wikiquote. --[[User:AC9016|AC9016]] ([[User talk:AC9016|talk]]) 02:51, 10 November 2020 (UTC) == Favorite Movies == Not a complete list, but here are some that I like. * [[Casablanca (film)]] (1942) * [[It's a Wonderful Life]] (1946) * [[The Long Gray Line]] (1955) * [[12 Angry Men]] (1957) * [[The D.I. (film)]] (1957) * [[The Great Escape (film)]] (1963) * [[Zulu (film)]] (1964) * [[In the Heat of the Night (film)]] (1967) * [[Battle of Britain (film)]] (1969) * [[Kelly's Heroes]] (1970) * [[Patton (film)]] (1970) * [[The Omen]] (1976) * [[MacArthur (film)]] (1977) * [[Smokey and the Bandit]] (1977) * [[Star Wars (film)]] (1977) * [[Damien: Omen II]] (1978) * [[Omen III: The Final Conflict]] (1981) * [[Taps]] (1981) * [[Tank (film)]] (1984) * [[Ferris Bueller's Day Off]] (1986) * [[The Last Days of Patton]] (1986) * [[Home Alone]] (1990) * [[Other People's Money]] (1991) * [[Home Alone 2: Lost in New York]] (1992) * [[Scent of a Woman]] (1992) * [[The Good Son (film)]] (1993) * [[The Mask (film)]] (1994) * [[Toy Story]] (1995) * [[Broken Arrow (1996 film)]] * [[Michael Collins (film)]] (1996) * [[Sgt. Bilko]] (1996) * [[Home Alone 3]] (1997) * [[Mulan (1998 film)]] * [[The General's Daughter (film)]] (1999) * [[Toy Story 2]] (1999) * [[Titan AE]] (2000) * [[The Last Castle]] (2001) * [[Treasure Planet]] (2002) * [[We Were Soldiers]] (2002) * [[Elephant (film)]] (2003) * [[Zero Day (film)]] (2003) * [[Lord of War]] (2005) * [[The Devil Wears Prada (film)]] (2006) * [[V for Vendetta (film)]] (2006) * [[Valkyrie (film)]] (2008) * [[Tron: Legacy]] (2010) * [[Dredd (film)]] (2012) * [[The Hunger Games (film)]] (2012) * [[The Maze Runner (film)]] (2014) * [[Look Who's Back (film)]] (2015) == Favorite Quotes == * The sunrise was the colour of bad blood. It leaked out of the east and stained the dark sky red, marked the scraps of the cloud with stolen gold. Underneath it the road twisted up the mountainside towards the fortress of Fontezarmo - a cluster of sharp towers, ash-black again the wounded heavens. The sunrise was red, black and gold. The colours of their profession. ** Joe Abercrombie, ''Best Served Cold'' (2009) * We do not murder. We do not execute. We do not massacre. We never, you may be very certain, we never torture. We have no truck with crimes of passion or hatred or pointless gain. We do not do it for a delight in inhumation, or to feed some secret inner need, or for petty advantage, or for some cause or belief; I tell you, gentlemen, that all of these reasons are in the highest degree suspect. Look into the face of a man who will kill you for a belief and your nostrils will snuff up the scent of abomination. Hear a speech declaring a holy war and, I assure you, your ears will catch the clink of evil's scales and the dragging of its monstrous tail over the purity of the language. No, we do it for the money. And because we above all must know the value of a human life, we do it for a great deal of money. There can be few cleaner motives, shorn of all pretense. ** Dr. Cruces of the Ankh-Morpork Assassin's Guild, in ''Pyramids'' (1989) by Terry Pratchett * ''Das Beste oder nichts'' ** Gottlieb Daimler's personal motto, translatable as "The best or nothing at all", "Nothing but the best" or "The best or nothing". The third translation was adopted for the English version of the motto of Mercedes-Benz starting in 2010. :Oh that my Pow'r to Saving were confin’d: :Why am I forc’d, like Heav’n, against my mind, :To make Examples of another Kind? :Must I at length the Sword of Justice draw? :Oh curst Effects of necessary Law! :How ill my Fear they by my Mercy scan, :Beware the Fury of a Patient Man. :* [[John Dryden]], ''Absalom and Achitophel'' (1681), Pt. I, line 999–1005. Compare Publius Syrus, Maxim 289, "Furor fit læsa sæpius patientia" ("An over-taxed patience gives way to fierce anger"). :Happy the man, and happy he alone, :He who can call today his own; :He who, secure within, can say, :Tomorrow, do thy worst, for I have lived today. :* [[John Dryden]], ''Imitation of Horace'' (1685), Book III, Ode 29, lines 65–68. * Those who seek absolute power, even though they seek it to do what they regard as good, are simply demanding the right to enforce their own version of heaven on earth. And let me remind you, they are the very ones who always create the most hellish tyrannies. Absolute power does corrupt, and those who seek it must be suspect and must be opposed. Their mistaken course stems from false notions of equality, ladies and gentlemen. Equality, rightly understood, as our founding fathers understood it, leads to liberty and to the emancipation of creative differences. Wrongly understood, as it has been so tragically in our time, it leads first to conformity and then to despotism. ** [[Barry Goldwater]], in his acceptance speech as the Republican candidate in the 1964 U.S. presidential election. :*Out of the night that covers me, :Black as the pit from pole to pole, :I thank whatever gods may be :for my unconquerable soul. :*In the fell clutch of circumstance :I have not winced nor cried aloud. :Under the bludgeonings of chance :My head is bloody, but unbowed. :*Beyond this place of wrath and tears :Looms but the Horror of the shade, :And yet the menace of the years :Finds and shall find me unafraid. :*It matters not how strait the gate, :How charged with punishments the scroll, :I am the master of my fate: :I am the captain of my soul. :* William Ernest Henley, ''Invictus'' (1875) * No one in this world, so far as I know—and I have researched the records for years, and employed agents to help me—has ever lost money by underestimating the intelligence of the great masses of the plain people. Nor has anyone ever lost public office thereby. * [[H.L. Mencken]], 'Notes on Journalism' in the ''Chicago Tribune'', 19 September 1926 * Calm is what you have to be when people look to you. And it's all you can be when things are out of your hands. ** Colonel James Hsu, ''Fallout: New Vegas'' (2010) * STRIKE FIRST <br>STRIKE HARD <br>NO MERCY ** [[The Karate Kid]] (1984) * War has changed little in principle from the beginning of recorded history. The mechanized warfare of today is only an evolution of the time when men fought with clubs and stones, and its machines are as nothing without the men who invent them, man them and give them life. War is force- force to the utmost- force to make the enemy yield to our own will- to yield because they see their comrades killed and wounded- to yield because their own will to fight is broken. War is men against men. Mechanized war is still men against men, for machines are masses of inert metal without the men who control them- or destroy them. ** Fleet Admiral [[Ernest King]], ''Fleet Admiral King: A Naval Record'' (1952) p. viii * The central core of truth is that Christmas turns everything upside down, the upside of heaven come down to earth. The Christmas story puts a new value on every man. He is not a thing to be used, not a chemical accident, not an educated ape. Every man is a V.I.P., because he has divine worth. That was revealed when “Love came down at Christmas.” A scientist said, making a plea for exchange scholarships between nations, “The best way to send an idea is to wrap it up in a person.” That was what happened at Christmas. The idea of divine love was wrapped up in a person. Christmas is good news in a world of bad news. … Christmas brings hope to a dark world. : ~ [[Halford E. Luccock]]; displayed as the Quote of the Day for 25 December 2017 ~ :Forgive him who wrongs you; :join him who cuts you off; :do good to him who does evil to you; :and speak the truth :even if it be against yourself. :~ Inscription on the Sword of Muhammad; displayed as the Quote of the Day for 25 June 2017 ~ * ''Per Ardua Ad Astra'' ** Motto of the Royal Air Force; translates as "Through Adversity to the Stars" * ''Serve To Lead'' ** Motto of the Royal Military Academy Sandhurst :Love all, trust a few, :Do wrong to none. :* William Shakespeare, ''All's Well That Ends Well'', displayed as the Quote of the Day for 13 February 2018 * The news today about "Atomic bombs" is so horrifying one is stunned. The utter folly of these lunatic physicists to consent to do such work for war-purposes: calmly plotting the destruction of the world! Such explosives in men's hands, while their moral and intellectual status is declining, is about as useful as giving out firearms to all inmates of a gaol and then saying that you hope "this will ensure peace". ... Well we're in God's hands. But He does not look kindly on Babel-builders. ** [[J.R.R. Tolkien]], displayed as the Quote of the Day for 3 January 2018 * ''Non Sibi Sed Patriae'' ** Unofficial motto of the United States Navy, translates to English as "Not for Self but for Country" * ''A Posse Ad Esse'' ** Motto of the Woodberry Forest School; translates to English as "From Possibility to Actuality" == Pages Created == === 2011 === * [[Lord of the Flies (1990 film)]] - 25 August 2011 (anonymous) * [[Cirque du Freak: The Vampire's Assistant]] - 29 August 2011 (anonymous) * [[28 Weeks Later]] - 30 August 2011 (anonymous) * [[Brothers in Arms: Earned in Blood]] 5 September 2011 (anonymous) * [[Brothers in Arms: Road to Hill 30]] - 5 September 2011 (anonymous) * [[The Last Castle]] - 12 September 2011 (anonymous) * [[The Last Days of Patton]] - 14 September 2011 (anonymous) === 2012 === * [[Carriers (film)]] - 17 January 2012 (anonymous) * [[Michael Collins (film)]] - 19 March 2012 (anonymous) * [[The Hunger Games (film)]] - 28 March 2012 (anonymous) * [[Call of Duty 3]] - 8 April 2012 (anonymous) * [[Omen III: The Final Conflict]] - 11 April 2012 (anonymous) * [[Swing Kids]] - 13 April 2012 (anonymous) === 2016 === * [[Ernest King]] - 19 March 2016 (anonymous; I created this account just after creating this page) * [[The Maze Runner (film)]] - 27 March 2016 * [[Mark W. Clark]] - 15 April 2016 * [[William Westmoreland]] - 16 July 2016 (This page had actually been created once before, but it was deleted due to there being no properly sourced quotes.) * [[Wheeler L. Baker]] - 12 August 2016 * [[Maxwell D. Taylor]] - 19 August 2016 * [[Bruce Palmer, Jr.]] - 20 August 2016 * [[George S. Patton IV]] - 11 November 2016 === 2017 === * [[Pat Conroy]] - 27 April 2017 * [[James Dashner]] - 28 April 2017 * [[The General's Daughter (film)]] - 1 June 2017 * [[RoboCop 2]] - 15 November 2017 * [[Look Who's Back (film)]] - 12 December 2017 * [[The Ogre (1996 film)]] - 15 December 2017 * [[The Long Gray Line]] - 15 December 2017 * [[The D.I. (film)]] - 20 December 2017 === 2018 === * [[Maze Runner: The Scorch Trials]] - 25 March 2018 * [[Maze Runner: The Death Cure]] - 1 April 2018 * [[Ann E. Dunwoody]] - 17 October 2018 * [[Rules of Engagement (film)]] - 22 October 2018 * [[Salvatore Giunta]] - 31 October 2018 === 2019 === * [[Alvah Bessie]]- 19 January 2019 * [[Edson Raff]] - 19 January 2019 * [[William D. Leahy]] - 27 January 2019 * [[John Gunther]] - 2 February 2019 * [[Spanish Civil War]] - 9 February 2019 * [[Arthur Rostron]] - 2 March 2019 * [[Hugh L. Scott]] - 3 April 2019 * [[Brightburn]] - 31 May 2019 * [[Mercenary]] - 9 June 2019 * [[Alexander Vandegrift]]- 9 June 2019 * [[Hampden-Sydney College]]- 5 August 2019 * [[William Slim, 1st Viscount Slim]]- 10 November 2019 === 2020 === * [[Lynn Compton]]- 14 March 2020 * [[Donald Malarkey]]- 21 March 2020 * [[MJ Hegar]]- 2 May 2020 * [[Harold Keith]]- 18 August 2020 * [[Maryland]]- 6 September 2020 * [[Raymond A. Spruance]]- 2 November 2020 * [[Irish Civil War]]- 5 November 2020 * [[Kyle Carpenter]]- 9 November 2020 * [[Black Cadillac (film)]]- 10 November 2020 * [[The Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part 2]]- 11 November 2020 * [[The Hunger Games: Mockingjay- Part 1]]- 18 November 2020 * [[Cornell University]]- 23 November 2020 * [[Virginia Military Institute]]- 25 November 2020 * [[United States Military Academy]]- 25 November 2020 * [[The Citadel]]- 29 November 2020 * [[Kiem Do]]- 8 December 2020 * [[Premium Rush]]- 12 December 2020 * [[Russian Civil War]]- 22 December 2020 * [[Jack Bamford]]- 29 December 2020 === 2021 === * [[Hugh Shelton]]- 7 January 2021 * [[Richard Winters]]- 7 January 2021 * [[Hitler Youth]]- 7 January 2021 * [[William Calley]]- 1 February 2021 * [[Austin Mahone]]- 11 February 2021 * [[Harry F. Byrd]]- 12 February 2021 * [[Keith Whitley]]- 15 February 2021 * [[Enzo Ferrari]]- 18 February 2021 * [[Wentworth Military Academy and College]]- 12 May 2021 * [[Brooklyn Nine-Nine (season 8)]]- 3 November 2021 * [[Wonder (film)]]- 28 November 2021 * [[David Halberstam]]- 15 December 2021 * [[Thomas Jones (civil servant)]]- 15 December 2021 * [[Chinese Civil War]]- 15 December 2021 * [[Ty Seidule]]- 15 December 2021 * [[United States Naval Academy]]- 15 December 2021 === 2022 === * [[Bob Altemeyer]]- 3 January 2022 * [[Leo Amery]] - 3 January 2022 * [[Republic of Vietnam Navy]]- 5 January 2022 * [[Royal Air Force]]- 5 January 2022 * [[British Army]]- 5 January 2022 * [[Percy Spender]]- 5 January 2022 * [[Samuel Eliot Morison]]- 5 January 2022 * [[Flamethrower]]- 8 January 2022 * [[82nd Airborne Division]]- 8 January 2022 * [[Tank]]- 16 January 2022 * [[Mark Levin]]- 16 January 2022 (This page had existed twice before; it was deleted in 2007 and again in 2008 due to there being no properly sourced quotes.) * [[Ferrari]]- 16 January 2022 (This page had existed twice before; it was deleted twice in 2009 due to a total lack of sourced quotes.) * [[Saab Automobile]]- 16 January 2022 * [[Oldsmobile]]- 16 January 2022 * [[Cadillac]]- 16 January 2022 * [[Judith Levine]]- 17 January 2022 * [[Harmful to Minors]]- 17 January 2022 * [[Harold Lindsell]]- 6 February 2022 * [[Max Rafferty]]- 6 February 2022 * [[Buick]]- 6 February 2022 * [[Ranger School]]- 24 March 2022 * [[Irish Naval Service]]- 22 April 2022 * [[Critical race theory]]- 5 May 2022 * [[Conflict: Vietnam]]- 16 May 2022 * [[MG 42]]- 4 June 2022 * [[Edgar Huff]]- 5 June 2022 * [[William Guarnere]]- 6 June 2022 * [[M1 Garand]]- 6 June 2022 * [[Edward Heffron]]- 6 June 2022 * [[James Forrestal]]- 6 June 2022 * [[Sue Klebold]]- 6 June 2022 * [[Husband E. Kimmel]]- 6 June 2022 * [[John J. McNeill]]- 6 June 2022 * [[Frank John Hughes]]- 6 June 2022 * [[Ford Motor Company]]- 6 June 2022 * [[Irish Air Corps]]- 6 June 2022 * [[Rudy Reyes (actor)]]- 17 June 2022 * [[Evan Wright]]- 17 June 2022 * [[Nathaniel Fick]]- 17 June 2022 * [[Kemper Military School]]- 1 August 2022 * [[Cross country running]]- 5 August 2022 * [[Volleyball]]- 5 August 2022 * [[Wrestling]]- 5 August 2022 (This page had existed once before; it was deleted on 6 May 2008 by UDScott for having no sourced quotes) === 2023 === === 2024 === == Planned Pages == * 75th Ranger Regiment * Army of the Republic of Vietnam * Henry H. Arnold, General of the Army, General of the Air Force * Alan Brooke, 1st Viscount Alanbrooke. British Army. Chief of the Imperial General Staff, 1941-1946. * Brooklyn Nine-Nine (Season 6) * Brooklyn Nine-Nine (Season 7) * Joseph Buttigieg, former William R. Kenan Professor of English at University of Notre Dame * Charles B. Dew, Woodberry Forest School Class of 1954, American Civil War historian * Child abuse * Cinderella Man- 2005 film * Detroit: Become Human * Escape to Witch Mountain (1975 film) * The Elder Scrolls III: Tribunal * The Elder Scrolls III: Bloodmoon * The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion * Exit (2019 film) * Bradley A. Fiske, USNA Class of 1875 * Flame tank * Andrew A. Humphreys, USMA Class of 1831 * Aubrey H. Camden * Irish Army * Italian Civil War * Lisa Jakub, former child actor, author of ''You Look Like That Girl: A Child Actor Stops Pretending and Finally Grows Up'' (2015), and ''Not Just Me: Anxiety, Depression, and Learning to Embrace Your Weird'' (2017) * Tim Kennedy * David Lipsky, author * John J. McNeill * James McBrayer Sellers, USMC (1917-1944) * James M. Sellers Jr. * George B. McClellan, USMA Class of 1846, 4th Commanding General of the United States Army * Kemper Military School * Nancy Mace- 1st female graduate of The Citadel * MechWarrior 2: Mercenaries * Mercenaries: Playground of Destruction * Mercenaries 2: World in Flames * Cao Van Vien, one of only two 4-star generals in the history of South Vietnam * Oakland Motor Car Company * Dave Richard Palmer, USMA Class of 1956, 53rd Superintendent of the United States Military Academy * Plymouth (automobile) * Premature (2014 film) * University of Richmond * University of Virginia * Republic of Vietnam Airborne Division * Republic of Vietnam Air Force * Rolls-Royce * Royal Marines * Scouts Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse- 2015 film * Harry G. Summers Jr.- US Army, Ret., author * Survivor guilt * United States Air Force Academy * Robert Grainger Ker Thompson, RAF officer, counterinsurgency warfare expert in Vietnam War * The Aeronauts (film), 2019 film * The Day Will Come (2016 film) * The Sadness, 2021 Taiwanese horror film * The Thinning, 2016 YouTube film * The Thinning: New World Order, 2018 YouTube film * Tiger tank * Toyota * Ukrainian Air Force * Ukrainian Navy * Ukrainian Army * Ukrainian Air Assault Forces * Ukrainian Special Forces * Vietnamese Rangers, elite light infantry of the ARVN == Project Pages == * [[101st Airborne Division]] * [[2021 storming of the United States Capitol]] * [[Frank Abagnale]] * Bob Altemeyer * [[Perry Anderson]] * [[Authoritarianism]] * [[The Black Cauldron (film)]] * [[Bayonet]] * [[Bisexuality]] * [[Wilhelm Bittrich]], Waffen-SS general * [[Boy]] * [[Anita Bryant]] * [[Neville Chamberlain]], British prime minister * Cornell University * Critical race theory * [[William Frederick Halsey, Jr.]] * [[Chester W. Nimitz|Chester Nimitz]] * [[Dictatorship]] * [[Sepp Dietrich]], Waffen-SS general * [[Elizabeth II of the United Kingdom|Elizabeth II]] * [[John Feffer]] * Enzo Ferrari * [[FernGully: The Last Rainforest]]- LOQ trimming project * [[Fascism]] * [[Girls]] * William Guarnere * [[Heinz Guderian]] * [[Günter Grass]] * [[Rodolfo Graziani]] * [[Tom Hanks]] * [[Chris Hedges]] * [[Harvard University]] * Edward Heffron * [[Homophobia]] * [[Homosexuality]] * [[Honda]] * Edgar Huff * Frank John Hughes * [[Cordell Hull]] * [[E. W. Howe]]- Page needs expansion from each of Howe's books/writings, as well as quotes about him * [[Lee Iacocca]] * [[Iraq War]] * Irish Air Corps * [[Islamophobia]] * Harold Keith- Need to expand this page with more quotes from Keith's 16 books. So far have quotes from two. * [[Korean War]] * [[The Last Unicorn (film)]]- LOQ trimming project * [[William D. Leahy|William Leahy]] * [[Henry M. Leland]] * [[James Longstreet]] * [[Robert Lutz]] * [[David Mamet]] * John J. McNeill * [[George Meade]] * Samuel Eliot Morison * [[John Money]]- stub page * [[Mrs. Doubtfire]] * [[The Mummy (1999 film)]]- LOQ trimming project * [[The Mummy Returns]]- LOQ trimming project * [[Otto Ohlendorf]] * [[The Pagemaster]]- 1994 film, LOQ trimming project * [[Joachim Peiper]], Waffen-SS colonel * [[Józef Piłsudski]] * [[Poland]] * [[Erwin Rommel]] * Rules of Engagement (film)- 128 minutes runtime, LOQ of 5 quotes per hour for films= 11 authorized quotes. Film currently has 5. * [[Gerd von Rundstedt]], German Army general in World War II * [[Same-sex marriage]]- Extremely short page, in dire need of added quotes * [[Baldur von Schirach]] * Hugh L. Scott * [[Secularism]] * [[Otto Skorzeny]], Waffen-SS commando * [[Suicide]] * [[Stand and Deliver]]- Editing quotes and dialogue, LOQ trimming * [[Top Gun: Maverick]]- Adding quotes and dialogue * [[Timothy D. Snyder]] * [[Trumpism]] * United States Military Academy * Republic of Vietnam Navy * [[Vietnam War]] * Waffen-SS * [[War in Afghanistan (2001–2021)]] * [[Betty White]] * Richard Winters * [[Yale University]] == Completed Project Pages == * [[Bullying]] * [[Conflict: Vietnam]] * [[Down Periscope]] * [[The Elder Scrolls III: Morrowind]] * The General's Daughter (film) * [[The Hobbit (1977 film)]] * Ernest King * [[Liar Liar]] * [[Douglas MacArthur]] 3y6xj50mys3cnsxd6tf1xr5kebi00ws 0 200589 3153000 2819886 2022-08-09T20:30:11Z Philip Cross 7192 /* External Links */ ce wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Toby Young|Toby Daniel Moorsom Young]]''' (born 17 October 1963) is a British journalist and Director of the [[w:New Schools Network|New Schools Network]], a free schools charity. == Quotes == === Twitter === * ''“Serious cleavage behind Ed Miliband’s head. Anyone know who it belongs to?”'' <ref name=":0" /> * ''“What happened to [Claudia] Winkleman’s breasts? Put on some weight, girlie.”'' <ref name=":0" /> * ''“Socialism always begins with a universal vision for the brotherhood of man and ends with people having to eat their own pets.”''<ref>https://order-order.com/2019/06/14/toby-young-destroys-socialism-one-sentence/</ref> === The Oxford Myth (1988) === * ''It was as if all the meritocratic fantasies of every 1960s educationalist had come true and all Harold Wilson’s children had been let in at the gate … Small, vaguely deformed undergraduates would scuttle across the quad as if carrying mobile homes on their backs. Replete with acne and anoraks, they would peer up through thick pebble-glasses, pausing only to blow their noses.''<ref name=":0">{{Cite news|url=http://www.theguardian.com/media/2018/jan/03/toby-young-quotes-on-breasts-eugenics-and-working-class-people|title=Toby Young quotes on breasts, eugenics and working-class people|last=Belam|first=Martin|date=2018-01-03|work=The Guardian|access-date=2018-01-03|language=en-GB|issn=0261-3077}}</ref> === Spectator magazine (2012) === * ''Inclusive. It’s one of those ghastly, politically correct words that have survived the demise of New Labour. Schools have got to be ‘inclusive’ these days. That means wheelchair ramps, the complete works of Alice Walker in the school library (though no Mark Twain) and a Special Educational Needs Department that can cope with everything from dyslexia to Münchausen syndrome by proxy. If [then education secretary, Michael] Gove is serious about wanting to bring back O-levels, the government will have to repeal the Equalities Act because any exam that isn’t ‘accessible’ to a functionally illiterate troglodyte with a mental age of six will be judged to be ‘elitist’ and therefore forbidden by Harman’s Law.''<ref name=":0" /> === The Quadrant (2015) === * ''My proposal is this: once this technology [genetically engineered intelligence] becomes available, why not offer it free of charge to parents on low incomes with below-average IQs? Provided there is sufficient take-up, it could help to address the problem of flat-lining inter-generational social mobility and serve as a counterweight to the tendency for the meritocratic elite to become a hereditary elite. It might make all the difference when it comes to the long-term sustainability of advanced meritocratic societies.''<ref name=":0" /> == References == <references /> == External Links == {{wikipedia}} * [https://www.theguardian.com/media/2018/jan/03/toby-young-quotes-on-breasts-eugenics-and-working-class-people?CMP=Share_AndroidApp_Tweet Toby Young quotes on breasts, eugenics and working-class people] {{DEFAULTSORT:Young, Toby}} [[Category:English journalists]] [[Category:1963 births]] [[Category:Living people]] 0m36g9p39yegsq7zja2bfky9pdxm76w 3153002 3153000 2022-08-09T20:43:54Z Philip Cross 7192 changed heading to years; Guardian article does not give full details about the 2012 (paywalled) Spectator article, date retrieved from Google wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Toby Young|Toby Daniel Moorsom Young]]''' (born 17 October 1963) is a British journalist and Director of the [[w:New Schools Network|New Schools Network]], a free schools charity. == Quotes == === ''The Oxford Myth'' (1988) === * It was as if all the meritocratic fantasies of every 1960s educationalist had come true and all Harold Wilson’s children had been let in at the gate … Small, vaguely deformed undergraduates would scuttle across the quad as if carrying mobile homes on their backs. Replete with acne and anoraks, they would peer up through thick pebble-glasses, pausing only to blow their noses.''<ref name=":0">{{Cite news|url=http://www.theguardian.com/media/2018/jan/03/toby-young-quotes-on-breasts-eugenics-and-working-class-people|title=Toby Young quotes on breasts, eugenics and working-class people|last=Belam|first=Martin|date=3 January 2018|work=The Guardian|access-date=3 January 2018|language=en-GB|issn=0261-3077}}</ref> === 2012 === * Inclusive. It’s one of those ghastly, politically correct words that have survived the demise of New Labour. Schools have got to be ‘inclusive’ these days. That means wheelchair ramps, the complete works of Alice Walker in the school library (though no Mark Twain) and a Special Educational Needs Department that can cope with everything from dyslexia to Münchausen syndrome by proxy. If [then education secretary, Michael] Gove is serious about wanting to bring back O-levels, the government will have to repeal the Equalities Act because any exam that isn’t ‘accessible’ to a functionally illiterate troglodyte with a mental age of six will be judged to be ‘elitist’ and therefore forbidden by Harman’s Law. ** [https://www.spectator.co.uk/article/i-am-living-proof-that-two-tier-exams-work "I am living proof that ‘two-tier’ exams work"] ''The Spectator'' (30 June 2012)<ref name=":0" /> === 2015 === * ''My proposal is this: once this technology [genetically engineered intelligence] becomes available, why not offer it free of charge to parents on low incomes with below-average IQs? Provided there is sufficient take-up, it could help to address the problem of flat-lining inter-generational social mobility and serve as a counterweight to the tendency for the meritocratic elite to become a hereditary elite. It might make all the difference when it comes to the long-term sustainability of advanced meritocratic societies. ** "The fall of the meritocracy: Progressive eugenics" ''Quadrant''<ref name=":0" /> === Twitter === * Serious cleavage behind Ed Miliband’s head. Anyone know who it belongs to?<ref name=":0" /> * What happened to [Claudia] Winkleman’s breasts? Put on some weight, girlie.<ref name=":0" /> * Socialism always begins with a universal vision for the brotherhood of man and ends with people having to eat their own pets.<ref>https://order-order.com/2019/06/14/toby-young-destroys-socialism-one-sentence/</ref> == References == <references /> == External Links == {{wikipedia}} * [https://www.theguardian.com/media/2018/jan/03/toby-young-quotes-on-breasts-eugenics-and-working-class-people?CMP=Share_AndroidApp_Tweet Toby Young quotes on breasts, eugenics and working-class people] {{DEFAULTSORT:Young, Toby}} [[Category:English journalists]] [[Category:1963 births]] [[Category:Living people]] f091kfmff0z917pyvgvfahrkgxs4nn9 3153003 3153002 2022-08-09T20:45:00Z Philip Cross 7192 /* 2015 */ have rm rendering used in Guardian article & formerly duplicated here wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Toby Young|Toby Daniel Moorsom Young]]''' (born 17 October 1963) is a British journalist and Director of the [[w:New Schools Network|New Schools Network]], a free schools charity. == Quotes == === ''The Oxford Myth'' (1988) === * It was as if all the meritocratic fantasies of every 1960s educationalist had come true and all Harold Wilson’s children had been let in at the gate … Small, vaguely deformed undergraduates would scuttle across the quad as if carrying mobile homes on their backs. Replete with acne and anoraks, they would peer up through thick pebble-glasses, pausing only to blow their noses.''<ref name=":0">{{Cite news|url=http://www.theguardian.com/media/2018/jan/03/toby-young-quotes-on-breasts-eugenics-and-working-class-people|title=Toby Young quotes on breasts, eugenics and working-class people|last=Belam|first=Martin|date=3 January 2018|work=The Guardian|access-date=3 January 2018|language=en-GB|issn=0261-3077}}</ref> === 2012 === * Inclusive. It’s one of those ghastly, politically correct words that have survived the demise of New Labour. Schools have got to be ‘inclusive’ these days. That means wheelchair ramps, the complete works of Alice Walker in the school library (though no Mark Twain) and a Special Educational Needs Department that can cope with everything from dyslexia to Münchausen syndrome by proxy. If [then education secretary, Michael] Gove is serious about wanting to bring back O-levels, the government will have to repeal the Equalities Act because any exam that isn’t ‘accessible’ to a functionally illiterate troglodyte with a mental age of six will be judged to be ‘elitist’ and therefore forbidden by Harman’s Law. ** [https://www.spectator.co.uk/article/i-am-living-proof-that-two-tier-exams-work "I am living proof that ‘two-tier’ exams work"] ''The Spectator'' (30 June 2012)<ref name=":0" /> === 2015 === * My proposal is this: once this technology [genetically engineered intelligence] becomes available, why not offer it free of charge to parents on low incomes with below-average IQs? Provided there is sufficient take-up, it could help to address the problem of flat-lining inter-generational social mobility and serve as a counterweight to the tendency for the meritocratic elite to become a hereditary elite. It might make all the difference when it comes to the long-term sustainability of advanced meritocratic societies. ** "The fall of the meritocracy: Progressive eugenics" ''Quadrant''<ref name=":0" /> === Twitter === * Serious cleavage behind Ed Miliband’s head. Anyone know who it belongs to?<ref name=":0" /> * What happened to [Claudia] Winkleman’s breasts? Put on some weight, girlie.<ref name=":0" /> * Socialism always begins with a universal vision for the brotherhood of man and ends with people having to eat their own pets.<ref>https://order-order.com/2019/06/14/toby-young-destroys-socialism-one-sentence/</ref> == References == <references /> == External Links == {{wikipedia}} * [https://www.theguardian.com/media/2018/jan/03/toby-young-quotes-on-breasts-eugenics-and-working-class-people?CMP=Share_AndroidApp_Tweet Toby Young quotes on breasts, eugenics and working-class people] {{DEFAULTSORT:Young, Toby}} [[Category:English journalists]] [[Category:1963 births]] [[Category:Living people]] f16e5dyhg20f4p0ebn4t3kv2wnslfgq 0 206704 3153171 2583931 2022-08-10T10:34:31Z Shekhark20 3129045 /* External links */ wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Mandu, Madhya Pradesh|Mandu]]''' or '''Mandavgad''' is an ancient city in the present-day Mandav area of the Dhar district. It is located in the Malwa region of western Madhya Pradesh, India, at 35 km from the Dhar city. In the 11th century, Mandu was the sub division of the Tarangagadh or Taranga kingdom . This fortress town on a rocky outcrop about 100 km (62 mi) from Indore is celebrated for its fine architecture. ==Quotes== *Mandu became the capital of the Muhammadan Sultãns of Mãlvã who set about buildings themselves palaces and mosques, first with material pilfered from Hindu temples (already for the most part desecrated and ruined by the iconoclastic fury of their earlier co-religionists), and afterwards with their own quarried material. Thus nearly all the traces of the splendid shrines of the ParamAras of MAlvA have disappeared save what we find utilized in the ruined mosques and tombs… **Archaeological Survey of India, Annual Report 1902-03, Pp. 16-17. Quoted from Shourie, A., & Goel, S. R. (1990). Hindu temples: What happened to them. [https://web.archive.org/web/20111011110650/http://www.bharatvani.org/books/htemples1/ch10.htm] *The date of the construction of the Hindola Mahall cannot be fixed with exactitude… There can, however, be no doubt that it is one of the earliest of the Muhammadan buildings in MãNDû. From its outward appearance there is no sign of Hindu workmanship but the repairs, that have been going on for the past one year, have brought to light a very large number of stones used in the structure, which appear, to have been taken from some pre-existing Hindu temple. The facing stones, which have been most accurately and smoothly cut on their outer surfaces, bear in very many cases on their inner sides the under faced images of Hindu gods, or patterns of purely Hindu design, while pieces of Hindu carving and broken parts of images are found indiscriminately mixed with the rubble, of which the core of the walls is made. **Archaeological Survey of India, Annual Report 1993-4, Pp. 31-32. Quoted from Shourie, A., & Goel, S. R. (1990). Hindu temples: What happened to them. [https://web.archive.org/web/20111011110650/http://www.bharatvani.org/books/htemples1/ch10.htm] *“The transfer of the capital from Dhar to Mandu by Dilwar Khan in AH 794/AD 1392, marks a new phase in the development of Mosque architecture in Malwa. The Mosque built by him in C. AH 808/AD 1405-06 is oblong in ground plan, the western side being formed by the liwan. Its roof is supported by Hindu pillars…” ** Syed Mahmudul Hasan, Mosque Architecture of Pre-Mughal Bengal, Dacca (Bangladesh), 1979. *When sultan Mahmud led an expedition against the Hara Rajputs in 1454, he put many of them to the sword, “and sent their children into slavery at Mandu.” **Lal, K. S. (1990). Indian muslims: Who are they. == External links == {{wikipedia}} * [https://www.mptourism.com/destination-mandu.php Mandu Tourist Places - MP Tourism] [[Category:Cities in India]] 440s9uuadwozu3gw8ixhgxx8p0fh178 0 207589 3152991 2662516 2022-08-09T20:02:41Z Philip Cross 7192 ce wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Owen Jones 2016.jpg|thumb|[[w:Owen Jones (writer)|Owen Jones]]]] '''[[w:Owen Jones (writer)|Owen Peter Jones]]''' (born 8 August 1984) is a British newspaper columnist, commentator and political activist. ==Quotes== ===''The left must put Britain's EU withdrawal on the agenda'', 2015=== :<small>''[https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2015/jul/14/left-reject-eu-greece-eurosceptic The left must put Britain's EU withdrawal on the agenda]'' (14 July 2015), ''{{w|The Guardian}}''</small> * At first, only a few dipped their toes in the water; then others, hesitantly, followed their lead, all the time looking at each other for reassurance. As austerity-ravaged Greece was placed under what Yanis Varoufakis terms a “postmodern occupation”, its sovereignty overturned and compelled to implement more of the policies that have achieved nothing but economic ruin, [[w:British Left|Britain’s left]] is turning against the [[European Union]], and fast. [...] The more leftwing opponents of the EU come out, the more momentum will gather pace and gain critical mass. For those of us on the left who have always been critical of the EU, it has felt like a lonely crusade. But left support for withdrawal – “Lexit”, if you like – is not new. If anything, this new wave of left {{w|Euroscepticism}} represents a reawakening. * Much of the left campaigned against entering the {{w|European Economic Community}} when [[Margaret Thatcher]] and the like campaigned for membership. It would threaten the ability of leftwing governments to implement policies, people like my parents thought, and would forbid the sort of industrial activism needed to protect domestic industries. But then {{w|Thatcherism}} happened, and an increasingly battered and demoralised left began to believe that the only hope of progressive legislation was via Brussels. The misery of the left was, in the 1980s, matched by the triumphalism of the free marketeers, who had transformed Britain beyond many of their wildest ambitions, and began to balk at the restraints put on their dreams by the European project. * The left’s pessimism about the possibility of implementing social reform at home without the help of the EU fused with a progressive vision of internationalism and unity, one that had emerged from the rubble of fascism and genocidal war. It is perhaps this feelgood halo that has been extinguished by a country the EU has driven into an economic collapse unseen since America’s [[great depression]]. It was German and French banks who recklessly [[w:Greek government-debt crisis|lent to Greece that have benefited from bailouts]], not the [[w:Economy of Greece|Greek economy]]. The destruction of Greece’s national [[sovereignty]] was achieved by economic strangulation, [...] this was all about crushing a rebellion. * Let’s just be honest about our fears. We fear that we will inadvertently line up with the xenophobes and the immigrant-bashing nationalists, and a “no” result will be seen as their vindication, unleashing a carnival of [[w:UK Independence Party|Ukippery]]. Hostility to the EU is seen as the preserve of the [[w:Far-right politics in the United Kingdom|hard right]], and not the sort of thing progressives should entertain. And that is why – if indeed much of the left decides on Lexit – it must run its own separate campaign and try and win ownership of the issue. Such a campaign would focus on building a new Britain, one of workers’ rights, a genuine living wage, public ownership, industrial activism and tax justice. Such a populist campaign could help the left reconnect with working-class communities it lost touch with long ago. * Lexit may be seen as a betrayal of solidarity with the left in the EU: {{w|Syriza}} and [[W:Podemos (Spanish political party)|Podemos]] in Spain are trying to change the institution, after all, not leave it. Syriza’s experience illustrates just how forlorn that cause is. But in any case, the threat of Brexit would help them. Germany has little incentive to change tack: it benefits enormously from the current arrangements. If its behaviour is seen to be causing the break-up of the EU, it will strengthen the hand of those opposing the status quo. The case for Lexit grows ever stronger, and – at the very least – more of us need to start dipping our toes in the water. === 2017 === * [[w:Conservative Party (UK)|The Tories]] are abandoning [[w:Pensions in the United Kingdom|pensioners]]. Tell your grandma and your granddad. Only [[w:Labour Party (UK)|Labour]] will protect their pensions. ** [https://mobile.twitter.com/OwenJones84/status/855447223278161921 Twitter, 21 April 2017] === 2018 === * We have a moral duty to offer support and safety to [[LGBT]] people fleeing repression for which Britain shares responsibility. ... It is now [[w:LGBT Pride|Pride]] season in Britain. Members of the government will wrap themselves in the {{w|rainbow flag}} and issue self-congratulatory statements about how far [[w:LGBT rights in the United Kingdom|LGBT rights]] have come. Don’t let them get away with it. [[w:LGBTQ migration|Gay and lesbian refugees]] are being [[w:Immigration detention in the United Kingdom|detained]] and [[w:UK immigration enforcement#Deportation|deported]] to countries where their safety is at risk, even their lives. The {{w|Windrush scandal}} should lead to a much wider conversation about the persecution of migrants and refugees. ... The architects of the {{w|British empire}} helped construct anti-gay laws across the globe that still endure today. The victims of such persecution need our support. Instead, they are being terrorised. It is a national [[w:political scandal|scandal]] – and the silence over it must end. ** [https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2018/jun/07/lgbt-rights-deportation-gay-lesbian-refugees "The government’s treatment of gay refugees shames Britain"] ''{{w|The Guardian}}'' (7 June 2018). ==External links== {{Wikipedia}} {{Commons category|Owen Jones (writer)}} * [https://www.theguardian.com/profile/owen-jones Articles in ''The Guardian''] * [http://www.newstatesman.com/writers/owen_jones Articles in the ''New Statesman''] * [https://www.independent.co.uk/biography/owen-jones Articles in ''The Independent''] * [https://www.youtube.com/c/OwenJonesTalks YouTube channel] {{Authority control}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Jones, Owen}} [[Category:1984 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:English atheists]] [[Category:Columnists]] [[Category:Humanists]] [[Category:Non-fiction authors]] [[Category:LGBT people]] [[Category:LGBT rights activists]] [[Category:English journalists]] [[Category:People from Sheffield]] [[Category:Socialist feminists]] [[Category:Political activists]] [[Category:Critics of the European Union]] [[Category:Social democrats]] ok1tcck2mm0latjv4d19xmkwegy58wt 3152992 3152991 2022-08-09T20:03:26Z Philip Cross 7192 /* Quotes */ ce wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Owen Jones 2016.jpg|thumb|[[w:Owen Jones (writer)|Owen Jones]]]] '''[[w:Owen Jones (writer)|Owen Peter Jones]]''' (born 8 August 1984) is a British newspaper columnist, commentator and political activist. ==Quotes== ==="The left must put Britain's EU withdrawal on the agenda" (2015) === :<small>''[https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2015/jul/14/left-reject-eu-greece-eurosceptic The left must put Britain's EU withdrawal on the agenda]'' (14 July 2015), ''{{w|The Guardian}}''</small> * At first, only a few dipped their toes in the water; then others, hesitantly, followed their lead, all the time looking at each other for reassurance. As austerity-ravaged Greece was placed under what Yanis Varoufakis terms a “postmodern occupation”, its sovereignty overturned and compelled to implement more of the policies that have achieved nothing but economic ruin, [[w:British Left|Britain’s left]] is turning against the [[European Union]], and fast. [...] The more leftwing opponents of the EU come out, the more momentum will gather pace and gain critical mass. For those of us on the left who have always been critical of the EU, it has felt like a lonely crusade. But left support for withdrawal – “Lexit”, if you like – is not new. If anything, this new wave of left {{w|Euroscepticism}} represents a reawakening. * Much of the left campaigned against entering the {{w|European Economic Community}} when [[Margaret Thatcher]] and the like campaigned for membership. It would threaten the ability of leftwing governments to implement policies, people like my parents thought, and would forbid the sort of industrial activism needed to protect domestic industries. But then {{w|Thatcherism}} happened, and an increasingly battered and demoralised left began to believe that the only hope of progressive legislation was via Brussels. The misery of the left was, in the 1980s, matched by the triumphalism of the free marketeers, who had transformed Britain beyond many of their wildest ambitions, and began to balk at the restraints put on their dreams by the European project. * The left’s pessimism about the possibility of implementing social reform at home without the help of the EU fused with a progressive vision of internationalism and unity, one that had emerged from the rubble of fascism and genocidal war. It is perhaps this feelgood halo that has been extinguished by a country the EU has driven into an economic collapse unseen since America’s [[great depression]]. It was German and French banks who recklessly [[w:Greek government-debt crisis|lent to Greece that have benefited from bailouts]], not the [[w:Economy of Greece|Greek economy]]. The destruction of Greece’s national [[sovereignty]] was achieved by economic strangulation, [...] this was all about crushing a rebellion. * Let’s just be honest about our fears. We fear that we will inadvertently line up with the xenophobes and the immigrant-bashing nationalists, and a “no” result will be seen as their vindication, unleashing a carnival of [[w:UK Independence Party|Ukippery]]. Hostility to the EU is seen as the preserve of the [[w:Far-right politics in the United Kingdom|hard right]], and not the sort of thing progressives should entertain. And that is why – if indeed much of the left decides on Lexit – it must run its own separate campaign and try and win ownership of the issue. Such a campaign would focus on building a new Britain, one of workers’ rights, a genuine living wage, public ownership, industrial activism and tax justice. Such a populist campaign could help the left reconnect with working-class communities it lost touch with long ago. * Lexit may be seen as a betrayal of solidarity with the left in the EU: {{w|Syriza}} and [[W:Podemos (Spanish political party)|Podemos]] in Spain are trying to change the institution, after all, not leave it. Syriza’s experience illustrates just how forlorn that cause is. But in any case, the threat of Brexit would help them. Germany has little incentive to change tack: it benefits enormously from the current arrangements. If its behaviour is seen to be causing the break-up of the EU, it will strengthen the hand of those opposing the status quo. The case for Lexit grows ever stronger, and – at the very least – more of us need to start dipping our toes in the water. === 2017 === * [[w:Conservative Party (UK)|The Tories]] are abandoning [[w:Pensions in the United Kingdom|pensioners]]. Tell your grandma and your granddad. Only [[w:Labour Party (UK)|Labour]] will protect their pensions. ** [https://mobile.twitter.com/OwenJones84/status/855447223278161921 Twitter, 21 April 2017] === 2018 === * We have a moral duty to offer support and safety to [[LGBT]] people fleeing repression for which Britain shares responsibility. ... It is now [[w:LGBT Pride|Pride]] season in Britain. Members of the government will wrap themselves in the {{w|rainbow flag}} and issue self-congratulatory statements about how far [[w:LGBT rights in the United Kingdom|LGBT rights]] have come. Don’t let them get away with it. [[w:LGBTQ migration|Gay and lesbian refugees]] are being [[w:Immigration detention in the United Kingdom|detained]] and [[w:UK immigration enforcement#Deportation|deported]] to countries where their safety is at risk, even their lives. The {{w|Windrush scandal}} should lead to a much wider conversation about the persecution of migrants and refugees. ... The architects of the {{w|British empire}} helped construct anti-gay laws across the globe that still endure today. The victims of such persecution need our support. Instead, they are being terrorised. It is a national [[w:political scandal|scandal]] – and the silence over it must end. ** [https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2018/jun/07/lgbt-rights-deportation-gay-lesbian-refugees "The government’s treatment of gay refugees shames Britain"] ''{{w|The Guardian}}'' (7 June 2018). ==External links== {{Wikipedia}} {{Commons category|Owen Jones (writer)}} * [https://www.theguardian.com/profile/owen-jones Articles in ''The Guardian''] * [http://www.newstatesman.com/writers/owen_jones Articles in the ''New Statesman''] * [https://www.independent.co.uk/biography/owen-jones Articles in ''The Independent''] * [https://www.youtube.com/c/OwenJonesTalks YouTube channel] {{Authority control}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Jones, Owen}} [[Category:1984 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:English atheists]] [[Category:Columnists]] [[Category:Humanists]] [[Category:Non-fiction authors]] [[Category:LGBT people]] [[Category:LGBT rights activists]] [[Category:English journalists]] [[Category:People from Sheffield]] [[Category:Socialist feminists]] [[Category:Political activists]] [[Category:Critics of the European Union]] [[Category:Social democrats]] c0lm46zam0vs1jowmhi5zhou2lxumnk 0 207991 3153173 3143805 2022-08-10T10:40:15Z Shekhark20 3129045 /* External links */ wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Shri Mahakaleshwar Temple Ujjain - panoramio (4).jpg|thumb|right|The famed historical Mahakaleshwar Jyotirlinga temple is in Ujjain]] '''[[w:Ujjain|Ujjain]]''' is a city in [[w:Ujjain district|Ujjain district]] of the [[w:States and territories of India|Indian state]] of [[Madhya Pradesh]]. It is the fifth-largest city in Madhya Pradesh by population and is the [[w:public administration|administrative]] centre of [[w:Ujjain district|Ujjain district]] and [[w:Ujjain division|Ujjain division]]. It is one of the Hindu pilgrimage centres of [[w:Sapta Puri|Sapta Puri]] famous for the ''[[w:Kumbh Mela|Kumbh Mela]]'' held there every 12 years. The famous temple of [[w:Mahakaleshwar Jyotirlinga|Mahakaleshwar Jyotirlinga]] is located in the center of the city. ==Quotes== *In Ujjain (Ozene of Ptolemy’s geography) where there had been an astronomical laboratory and on the meridian of which town the ‘world summit’-originally an Indian conception-was supposed to lie. **Thomas Arnold, The Legacy of Islam, p.93 [https://archive.org/details/legacyofislam032426mbp/page/n111] *From his Guru the student might pass, about the age of sixteen, to one of the great universities that were the glory of ancient and medieval India: Benares, Taxila, Vidarbha, Ajanta, Ujjain, or Nalanda. .... Ujjain was held in high repute for astronomy... ** Will Durant, Our Oriental Heritage *Ujjain, which used to be called Avantipura in the Sanskrit tradition, is located on the banks of the Shipra River. The Shipra flows into the Chambal River, which goes on into the Yamuna which flows into the Ganges. The most popular part of the Shipra River in Ujjain is along Ram Ghat where there are more small temples and shrines, mostly to Shiva, and is where many thousands of people gather during the Kumbha Mela festival to bathe in the river which is especially purifying at that time. Bathing in it is said to give liberation. Ram Ghat is also said to be where Lord Rama, Sita, and Lakshmana did pinda, or the funeral rites for Lord Rama’s father, Dasaratha. Ujjain is sacred for Shaivites due to the Mahakal temple. It is sacred for Shaktas due to the Siddhi Devi temple, and it is special for Vaishnavas because Lord Krishna went to school here at the Sandipani Ashrama. ** Knapp Stephen, Spiritual India Handbook (2011) *Ujjain becomes the sight of the huge Kumbha Mela festival every 12 years, starting on the full moon day in Chaitra (May-June) and lasts for a month. During the festival as many as three million pilgrims, and as of 2004 possibly 30 million, come from all over India to associate with other holy men and to bathe in the holy waters at the most auspicious time for spiritual purification. Besides this, there are a number of temples in this town that are worth visiting. Most of them are dedicated to Lord [[Shiva]]. ** Knapp Stephen, Spiritual India Handbook (2011) *[He] took the city of Oojein, where he destroyed a magnificent [[temple]] dedicated to Mahakaly, formed upon the same plan with that of Somnat. This [[temple]] is said to have occupied three hundred years in building, and was surrounded by a wall one hundred cubits in height. The image of Vikramaditya, who had been formerly prince of this country, and so renowned, that the Hindoos have taken an era from his death... **About Sultan Shamsu’d-Din Iltutmish (AD 1210-1236) conquest of Ujjain (Madhya Pradesh). Tarikh-i-Firishta by Firistha. *“When he advanced from the capital of Karra, the Hindus, in alarm, descended into the earth like ants. He departed towards the garden of Behar to dye that soil with blood as red as tulip. He cleared the road to Ujjain of vile wretches, and created consternation in Bhilsan. When he effected his conquests in that country, he drew out of the river the [[idols]] which had been concealed in it.”66 **About Sultan ‘Alau’d-Din Khalji (AD 1296-1316) in Vidisha (Madhya Pradesh) Elliot and Dowson, History of India as told by its own historians, Vol. III, p. 542.ff *“From thence he advanced to Ujjain-Nagari and destroyed the idol-temple of Mahakal Diw. The effigy of Bikramjit who was sovereign of Ujjain-Nagari, and from whose reign to the present time one thousand, three hundred, and sixteen years have elapsed, and from whose reign they date the Hindui era, together with other effigies besides his, which were formed of molten brass, together with the [[stone]] (idol) of Mahakal were carried away to Delhi, the capital.” **Iltusmish in Ujjain (Madhya Pradesh). Tabqat-i-Nasiri, translated into English by Major H.G. Reverty, New [[Delhi]] Reprint, 1970, Vol. I, pp. 622-23 *Among his “Victories and Conquests” is counted the “bringing away of the [[idol]] of Mahakal, which they have planted before the gateway of the Jami’ Masjid at the capital city of [[Delhi]] in order that all true believers might tread upon it.” **Ujjain (Madhya Pradesh). Tabqat-i-Nasiri, translated into English by Major H.G. Reverty, New [[Delhi]] Reprint, 1970, Vol. I, pp. 628 *“In AH 631 he invaded Malwah, and after suppressing the rebels of that place, he destroyed that idol-temple which had existed there for the past three hundred years.... “Next he turned towards Ujjain and conquered it, and after demolishing the idol-temple of Mahakal, he uprooted the statue of Bikramajit together with all other statues and images which were placed on pedestals, and brought them to the capital where they were laid before the Jami‘ Masjid for being trodden under foot by the people.” **Vidisha and Ujjain (Madhya Pradesh) Tarikh-i-Mubarak Shahi, of Yahya Sirhindi, Translated from the Urdu version by Dr. Ãftab Asghar, second edition, Lahore. 1982. *…[He] also captured the city of Ujjain, and having destroyed the idol-temple of Ujjain which had been built six hundred years previously, and was called Mahakal, he levelled it to its foundations, and threw down the image of Rai Vikrmajit from whom the [[Hindus]] reckon their era… and brought certain other [[images]] of cast molten brass and placed them on the ground in front of the door of the mosque of old Dihli and ordered the people to trample them under foot… **About Sultan Shamsu’d-Din Iltutmish (AD 1210~1236) conquest of Ujjain (Madhya Pradesh). Muntakhab-ut-Tawarikh by `Abd al-Qadir Bada'uni. Also in Goel, Sita Ram (2001). The story of Islamic imperialism in India. ISBN 9788185990231 *“After the reduction of Gualiar, the King marched his army towards Malwa, reduced the fort of Bhilsa, and took the city of Oojein, where he destroyed a magnificent temple dedicated to Mahakaly, formed upon the same plan with that of Somnat. This temple is said to have occupied three hundred years in building, and was surrounded by a wall one hundred cubits in height. The image of Vikramaditya, who had been formerly prince of this country, and so renowned, that the Hindoos have taken an era from his death, as also the image of Mahakaly, both of stone, with many other figures of brass, were found in the temple. These images the King caused to be conveyed to Dehly, and broken at the door of the great mosque.” **Tãrîkh-i-Firishta. Sultãn Shamsu’d-Dîn Iltutmish (AD 1210-1236) Ujjain (Madhya Pradesh) *“…In the year AH 631, he invaded the country of Mãlwah and conquered the fort of Bhîlsã. He also took the city of Ujjain, and had the temple of Mahãkãl… completely demolished, destroying it from its foundations; and he carried away the effigy of Bikramãjît… and certain other statues which were fashioned in molten brass, and placed them in the ground in front of the Jãmi’ Masjid, so that they might he trampled upon by the people.” **Tabqãt-i-Akharî. Sultãn Shamsu’d-Dîn Iltutmish (AD 1210-1236) Ujjain (Madhya Pradesh) *News came from Malwa that Wazir Khan had sent Gada Beg, a slave, with 400 troopers, to destroy all [[temples]] around Ujjain' A Rawat of the place resisted and slew Gada Beg with 121 of his men (1670). **Aurangzeb. Akhbarat, cited in Sarkar, Jadu Nath, History of Aurangzeb,Volume III, Calcutta, 1972 Impression. p. 186-189., quoted in part in [[Shourie, Arun]] (2014). Eminent historians: Their technology, their line, their fraud. Noida, Uttar Pradesh, India : HarperCollins Publishers. *..They have a place called Ujjayn with a large idol representing (Maha-kal). They take before him their needs in this lower world and the world beyond and from him learn charms (aza‘im). They do wonderful things saying that they all are from (Maha-kal’s) teaching... Some people come to worship him while for several days they refrain from food and humble themselves asking him for their needs. Some take an iron lamp and shaping its bottom like a spear place it on their palm and press it: until it has pierced the palm and made a hole in it. Then they light the lamp and kneel down on both knees before the idol with lamentation saying: “accept from us our visit to this house” **Gardizi, in (Minorsky 1948: 635). quoted from Jain, M. (2019). Flight of deities and rebirth of temples: Espisodes from Indian history. 141. * He (Iltutmish) sent, in A.H. 632 (1234 A.D.), the army of Islam towards Malwa and took the fort and city of Bhilsa. There was a temple there which was three hunqired years in building. It was about one hundred and five gaz high. He demolished it. From thence he proceeded to Ujjain, where there was a temple of Maha-kal, which he destroyed as well as the image of Bikramajit, who was king of Ujjain, and reigned 1316 years before his time. The Hindu era dates from his reign. Some other images cast in copp@r were carried with the stone image of Maha-kal to Dehli. **Minhaj-us-Siraj, in his Tabkat-i-Nasiri, (Elliot and Dowson Vol. II: 328). also in Jain, M. (2019). Flight of deities and rebirth of temples: Espisodes from Indian history. 141 *He (Iltutmish) also captured the city of Ujjain, and having destroyed the idol-temple of Ujjain which had been built six hundred years previously, and was callled Mahakal, he levelled it to its foundations, and threw down the image... from whom the Hindus reckon their era. **Badauni, [https://archive.org/details/MuntakhabAtTawarikhEnglishVol.1/page/n107/mode/2up Muntakhab At Tawarikh English Vol. 1 ] == External links == {{wikipedia}} * [https://www.mptourism.com/destination-ujjain.php Ujjain Tourist Places - Madhya Pradesh Tourism] [[Category:Cities in India]] 0eeo89x9ik82kddphyb5xbrexzr341z 0 209177 3153010 3102800 2022-08-09T22:03:22Z 2600:1001:B11C:76FA:D059:5C29:A9E2:B535 /* Voice cast */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} ---- :'''Seasons:''' [[Thomas and Friends/Season 1|1]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 2|2]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 3|3]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 4|4]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 5|5]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 6|6]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 7|7]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 8|8]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 9|9]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 10|10]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 11|11]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 12|12]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 13|13]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 14|14]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 15|15]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 16|16]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 17|17]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 18|18]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 19|19]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 20|20]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 21|21]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 22|22]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 23|23]] | '''Movies''': [[Thomas and the Magic Railroad]] / [[Calling All Engines!]] / [[The Great Discovery]] / [[Hero of the Rails]] / [[Thomas & Friends: Misty Island Rescue|Misty Island Rescue]] / [[Thomas & Friends: Day of the Diesels|Day of the Diesels]] / [[Blue Mountain Mystery]] / [[Thomas & Friends: King of the Railway|King of the Railway]] / [[Tale of the Brave]] / [[The Adventure Begins]] / [[Thomas & Friends: Sodor's Legend of the Lost Treasure|Sodor's Legend of the Lost Treasure]] / [[Thomas & Friends: The Great Race|The Great Race]] / [[Journey Beyond Sodor]] / [[Big World! Big Adventures!]] | [[Thomas and Friends|Main]] ---- '''''[[w:Thomas & Friends: King of the Railway|King of the Railway]]''''' is a 2013 direct-to-video CGI-animated fantasy-comedy adventure film of the TV series, ''[[Thomas and Friends|Thomas & Friends]]''. The film's CGI animation is by Arc Productions. This special takes place between [[Thomas and Friends/Season 16|Season 16]] and [[Thomas and Friends/Season 17|17]]. ==Dialogue== :'''Connor''': Hello, there. I'm Connor. :'''Caitlin''': And I'm Caitlin. We've come for the opening of Ulfstead Castle to bring passengers from the Mainland. :'''Connor''': This is our test run and time trial. We're having a little race. Care to join us? <hr width=50%> :'''Diesel''': Out of the way, little steamie! We have work to do here! :'''Stephen''': Well so do I, Mr. Oily. :'''Paxton''': Ha, ha, ha! He's Mr. Oily! ==Voice cast== * Narrated by {{w|Mark Moraghan}} * {{w|Bob Golding}} as Stephen * {{w|Mike Grady}} as Sir Robert Norramby * {{w|Miranda Raison}} as Millie * {{w|Jonathan Forbes}} as Connor * {{w|Rebecca O'Mara}} as Caitlin * {{w|Togo Igawa}} as Hiro * {{w|Teresa Gallagher}} as Belle, Annie and Clarabel * {{w|Steven Kynman}} as Paxton * {{w|Keith Wickham}} as Skarloey * {{w|Ben Small}} as Rheneas and the Troublesome Trucks * {{w|David Bedella}} as Victor * {{w|Michael Legge}} as Luke ===UK=== * Ben Small as Thomas and Toby * Keith Wickham as Edward, Henry, Gordon, James, Percy and the Fat Controller * {{w|Matt Wilkinson}} as Spencer, Cranky and Kevin * Steven Kynman as Paxton and Jack * Teresa Gallagher as Emily and Belle * {{w|Kerry Shale}} as Diesel ===US=== * [[w:Martin Sherman (actor)|Martin Sherman]] as Thomas, Percy and Diesel * [[w:William Hope (actor)|William Hope]] as Edward and Toby * Kerry Shale as Henry, Gordon, James, Kevin and Sir Topham Hatt * {{w|Jules de Jongh}} as Emily * {{w|Glenn Wrage}} as Spencer and Cranky * David Menkin as Jack (uncredited) ==External links== {{wikipedia}} [[Category:2013 films]] [[Category:British computer-animated films]] [[Category:Children's animated adventure films]] [[Category:Children's animated comedy films]] [[Category:Children's animated fantasy films]] [[Category:Thomas & Friends]] [[Category:Films based on animated television series]] [[Category:Thomas & Friends films‎]] [[Category:Films based on children's books]] gxdue29vponwggik2by10u60z1k3ror 0 210699 3153164 2896366 2022-08-10T09:10:52Z CommonsDelinker 13873 Replacing Mulayam_Singh_Yadav_(28993165375).jpg with [[File:Uttar_Pradesh_Chief_Minister_Shri.Mulayam_Singh_Yadav_,_addressing_at_the_National_Development_Council,_New_Delhi_on_December_9,_2006_(cropped).jpg]] (by [[:c:User:CommonsDelinker|CommonsDelinker wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Uttar Pradesh Chief Minister Shri.Mulayam Singh Yadav , addressing at the National Development Council, New Delhi on December 9, 2006 (cropped).jpg|thumb|Mulayam Singh Yadav (2012)]] '''[[w:Mulayam Singh Yadav|Mulayam Singh Yadav]]''' (born 22 November 1939) is an Indian politician from [[Uttar Pradesh]] and the founder of the Samajwadi Party. He served for three non-consecutive terms as the Chief Minister of Uttar Pradesh from 1989 to 1991, 1993 to 1995, and 2003 to 2007 respectively and also served as the [[w:Minister of Defence (India)|Minister of Defence of India]] from 1996 to 1998 in the United Front government. He currently serves as the Member of Parliament in the Lok Sabha from [[w:Azamgarh (Lok Sabha constituency)|Azamgarh]]. {{politics-stub}} ==Quotes== *Boys will be boys. Boys commit mistakes. **Comments in opposition to a change in law against rape. [https://www.theguardian.com/world/2014/may/31/india-gang-rape-katra-sadatgunj-fathyer-speaks The Guardian] Burke, Jason (31 May 2014) *First girls develop friendship with boys. They when differences occur, they level rape charges. Boys commit mistakes. Will they be hanged for rape. **Indian Express, 2014 [https://indianexpress.com/article/india/politics/mulayam-singh-yadav-questions-death-penalty-for-rape-says-boys-make-mistakes/ Mulayam’s shocker: Boys will be boys, they make mistakes… Will you hang them for rape?] * Not even a bird shall be able to enter Ayodhya. ... We will crush them. **Comments against the planned demonstrations by kar sevaks (activists) in Ayodhya. Quoted from Elst, Koenraad (1991). Ayodhya and after: Issues before Hindu society. *I regret giving orders to shoot kar sevaks at Ayodhya. My decision to order firing at kar sevaks was to save Muslim minorities. This decision was needed to keep the faith of Muslims in this country intact.” **Mulayam Singh Yadav quoted from [https://www.opindia.com/2019/02/mulayam-singh-govt-buried-karsevaks-conspired-to-hide-actual-number-of-casualties-republic-tv-expose/amp/ ‘Mulayam Singh govt buried Karsevaks, conspired to hide actual number of casualties’: Republic TV exposé] ==About Mulayam Singh Yadav== *Meanwhile in Uttar Pradesh, chief minister Mulayam Singh Yadav was playing it rough. He pre-emptively arrested all leaders of organizations involved in the Ram Janmabhoomi movement. In order to prevent Kar Sevaks from going to Ayodhya, he suspended all public transport in the state, blocked roads, and imposed curfew in a number of cities. House-to-house searches for hiding Kar Sevaks were carried out, the borders were sealed, and massive numbers of [[Hindus]] (as well as a number of [[Muslim]] Kar Sevaks) were jailed. The numbers cited vary between one and eight lakhs, which is a lot more than during the Emergency or the Quit [[India]] movement in the whole country. On October 30, when according to Mulayam's boast, no bird would be able to fly into Ayodhya, thousands of Kar Sevaks broke through the police defenses thanks to their sheer numbers... Gradually, the police forces regained control and drove the Kar Sevaks out, arresting many, and [[killing]] about 10, others cite figures from 5 to 50.... On November 2, the Kar Sevaks came back. As they were sitting or standing in the narrow lanes near the Janmabhoomi site (secularists say they were slowly moving towards it), the police opened fire... The [[death]] toll is a matter of dispute, as many of the bodies have been carried off in Army vans, and unceremoniously disposed of in an unknown place... The BJP appealed to the president to depose Mulayam, and cited the figure of 168 people killed. Some days after, the VHP claimed it could substantiate a [[death]] toll of about 400, or as many as were killed by [[w:Reginald Dyer|general Dyer]] at [[w:Jallianwala Bagh massacre|Jallianwala Bagh]]. **Quoted from Elst, Koenraad (1991). Ayodhya and after: Issues before [[Hindu]] society. *What makes someone like you support people like Mulayam and Lalu Prasad?<br>I can’t go around telling people what to do about Mulayam and Lalu. There are senior Congress leaders involved in this, and they take the decisions. It is not just the issue of support; there are lots of other things. These are tricky questions, and a lot of people ask me about this. But it doesn’t work that way, that one fine day we decide we don’t want to go along with them and that’s it. It is a complex issue, and I don’t want to go into it right now. Let’s get back to development. **Rahul Gandhi, Interview in 2005, Tehelka. [https://lifeandtherepublic.blogspot.com/2013/04/the-rahul-gandhi-interview.html] [https://www.opindia.com/2020/08/rahul-gandhi-tehelka-interview-not-fake/] * They defend rapists. Mamata di says ‘sometimes boys become naughty.’ Mulayam ji says ‘sometimes boys make mistakes’. ** Taslima Nasreen (@taslimanasreen) April 10, 2014 [https://web.archive.org/web/20201108130325/https://twitter.com/taslimanasreen/statuses/454232118038511617], quoted from Indian Express, 2014 [https://indianexpress.com/article/india/politics/mulayam-singh-yadav-questions-death-penalty-for-rape-says-boys-make-mistakes/ Mulayam’s shocker: Boys will be boys, they make mistakes… Will you hang them for rape?] * Waiting when Mulayam’s rape remarks will be endorsed by Azam’s secular buffaloes, then it shall be a law in his territory. ** — [[w:Ashutosh (politician)|Ashutosh]] (@ashutosh083B) April 10, 2014 [https://web.archive.org/web/20201108130325/https://twitter.com/ashutosh083B/statuses/454232046303326209], quoted from Indian Express, 2014 [https://indianexpress.com/article/india/politics/mulayam-singh-yadav-questions-death-penalty-for-rape-says-boys-make-mistakes/ Mulayam’s shocker: Boys will be boys, they make mistakes… Will you hang them for rape?] ==See also== *[[Ayodhya firing incident]] == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Yadav, Mulayam Singh}} [[Category:1939 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Politicians from India]] 6oxva4mn5qqwtd58wa713ajmq66og4c 0 211006 3153091 3145324 2022-08-10T02:03:10Z AC9016 2870313 /* Fortitude (2020) */ wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Dan Crenshaw, official portrait, 116th Congress 2.jpg|thumb| Living with duty means having a duty to those who aren't able to complete their mission because they would want you to keep going. They would want you to live life with a purpose. That's a message for civilians; that's a message for veterans.]] '''[[w:Dan Crenshaw|Daniel Crenshaw]]''' (born March 14, 1984) is an American politician who is the [[w:United States House of Representatives|U.S. Representative]]-elect for [[w:Texas's 2nd congressional district|Texas's 2nd congressional district]]. A member of the [[w:Republican Party (United States)|Republican Party]], he is a former [[w:United States Navy SEALs|Navy SEAL]] officer. He was elected in the [[w:United States House of Representatives elections in Texas, 2018|2018 election]]. [[File:Galveston Island Park Beach Sand Castle (5984947488).jpg|thumb|It is quite the challenge to examine your own attributes, your failings, and then attempt to extract the lessons from your past that make you who you are today. This book is largely a product of that journey.]] [[File:A seal during the sun set.jpg|thumb|The ability to deal with adversity, to accept pain, to be calm under pressure- these are the traits we look for. Some can be taught, much is innate.]] [[File:Bronze Star Medal pinned on Navy SEAL.jpg|thumb|If you want to be a person who doesn't freak out just because you're scared or whatever else you're doing, then decide to be that person. Every time you fall short of that goal, look back on that situation and tell yourself you're going to do better next time. Eventually you will.]] ==Quotes== ===2018=== *As a long-time supporter of Israel, I will ensure that our alliance does not waver, and that America continues to support Israeli security, advocate for her on the international stage, and contain the threat from Iran and terrorism across the region. **[https://crenshawforcongress.com/supporting-our-israeli-allies/ 19 April 2018 or earlier] *Israel is our most important ally in the Middle East. We must always stand with Israel. **[https://twitter.com/DanCrenshawTX/status/987001162896433152 19 April 2018] *I've always supported President Trump, I didn't always support candidate Trump. **[https://freebeacon.com/politics/super-pac-whitewashes-former-seals-battle-wound-attack-ad/ 9 May 2018] *I always ask the question, like what? You know, like what is he undermining exactly? You know what – what democratic freedoms have been undermined? We just had an election where we switched power in the House. Democracy is at work. People are voting in record numbers. **19 November 2018 on CBS "Face the Nation", reported on by [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zLZaKMdObVI&t=1m Fox] and [https://townhall.com/tipsheet/cortneyobrien/2018/11/19/dan-crenshaw-face-the-nation-n2536177 Town Hall] ===2019=== *Tonight I voted no on the spending bill. Here’s why:<br>I reluctantly voted against this bill,<br>There are many things to like in this bill and many examples of good-faith compromises. But this vote was about the border security debate, an issue which shouldn't be debatable in the first place. There are approximately 400,000 illegal immigrants apprehended while crossing our border each year, and this bill does not take the necessary steps to fix the problem. This issue is not about who wins arbitrary political battles; it's about the security and sovereignty of our nation. When will we start taking it seriously and finally give our border agents the resources they've requested? **[https://twitter.com/RepDanCrenshaw/status/1096249589101924353 14 February 2019] ===2020=== ==== ''Fortitude'' (2020) ==== :<small>''Fortitude: American Resilience in the Era of Outrage'' (2020). New York: Twelve Books. First edition April 2020.</small> * A little perspective can be the difference between spiraling into dark despair and clawing your way back to the light. A brave young woman fought through despair twenty years before, which meant I could do it now, suffering in darkness in a sterile hospital room in Germany. So when the doctors told me I had virtually no chance of seeing ever again, I just heard one thing: ''Virtually''. ** p. 23 * A favorite memory of many veterans is their time sitting around grumbling incessantly about their circumstances with their teammates. I have to admit that we do this ''way'' more than the average group of people. It's like a continuous group therapy project. When the guys stop complaining, leadership starts to worry. What's wrong with them? Are they depressed? Something wrong at home? The reality is that in these high-performing environments, where everyone is a perfectionist and overachiever, people like to point out deficiencies in the most over-the-top fashion, usually with a side of sarcastic and cutting humor. The good news is that they also aspire to fix those problems. Or maybe we are just a bunch of divas. I don't know. Maybe it's both. ** p. 123 * Writing this book was the first time I thought deeply about the lessons I'd derived from the SEAL teams, and life in general. '''It is quite the challenge to examine your own attributes, your failings, and then attempt to extract the lessons from your past that make you who you are today. This book is largely a product of that journey.''' ** p. 245 * Some of my most important edits came from my wife, Tara, who knows me best. She is my rock and is responsible for the confidence I have today. She stuck with me through the worst of times, and she understands the lesson of fortitude better than anyone. She is also the first to tell me when I don't live up to those lessons. Thank you, Mom, for being the first to show me a true hero. You are the embodiment of fortitude, and my brother and I have spent our lives trying to live up to your memory. This book is for you. ** p. 247 ==== ''Modern Warriors'' (2020) interview ==== :<small>''Modern Warriors: Real Stories From Real Heroes'' by Pete Hegseth. New York: HarperCollins Publishers. First edition November 2020.</small> * '''The ability to deal with adversity, to accept pain, to be calm under pressure- these are the traits we look for. Some can be taught, much is innate.''' ** p. 115 * As bad as I had it, lots of people have had it worse than me. Lots of others had made the ultimate sacrifice. I've got the initials of eight of those guys tattooed on my chest. So even when you're lying bleeding on the ground, unable to see much of anything, and later totally facedown in a bed for six weeks, you know what? Your buddies don't even get to have that chance because they're dead. That sounds morbid, but it's true. It should toughen your spine a little bit and make you feel grateful for being here at all. Too many people don't show gratitude for the new mission that they might have. They complain. They complain about the Veterans Administration. They complain about their disability payments. They complain about their lack of opportunity. Well, your buddies don't get to complain at all, and I think they would be grateful for anything. '''Living with duty means having a duty to those who aren't able to complete their mission because they would want you to keep going. They would want you to live life with a purpose. That's a message for civilians; that's a message for veterans.''' ** p. 118-119 * Everybody I knew who became a SEAL wanted to be one for a long time. You wanted this. You knew that you were, or wanted to be, an outside-the-box thinker, a sort of renegade or rebel, but also a strictly disciplined soldier. So you became that before you got to BUD/S (basic underwater demolition/SEAL training). BUD/S just made you prove it and then trained you to harness that. You learn how to exist in two different mental states: those of an ultra-aggressive combatant and a chivalrous gentleman. And you can instantaneously transition between the two. That's a warrior. ** p. 120 * In BUD/S the failures are more surprising than the successes. A lot of times, the most athletic, the fittest, the physically strongest candidates were the ones who quit. They should have been able to just crush it, but they didn't. Part of that is because they spent too much time on physical preparation and not enough on mental preparation. They believed that becasue of their physicality, their athleticism, they wouldn't be so surprised when faced with immediate failure. Those failures happen so fast in BUD/S. Your body fails constantly. That's what the program is designed to do to you. It is not physically possible to do everything that is being demanded of you. So you break down; you can't do every repetition of every exercise. We called them beatdowns for a reason. The instructors want us to break down and run away with our tail between our legs. They keep pressing us to go on, even after you thought that the activity was over. That happens to you over and over again. Your muscles fail you. And the instructors understand that difference between quitting- a failure of the will- and failing- your body giving out when you have already pushed yourself past what you once perceived as your limit. They respect that you hung in there long enough to truly fail. That's probably why you see so much anxiety and increasing suicide in our larger society. We have the most comfortable society the world has ever known. And that's good; I'm glad we do. But it's also made some people weak, and they break down when confronted with suffering. '''If you want to be a person who doesn't freak out just because you're scared or whatever else you're doing, then decide to be that person. Every time you fall short of that goal, look back on that situation and tell yourself you're going to do better next time. Eventually you will.''' ** p. 121 * Politics is the social manifestation of a set of policies. When I speak to kids, I let them know that there's a crucial difference between politics and policy. If you want to go into politics, then you have to be a representative of other people. To do that, you have to be able to communicate well. So before you decide to run for office, you have to ask yourself a few questions: Do you care about just one policy or issue? Are you good at communicating? Are you able to frame and win an argument? What are you good at? I don't think that all elected officials or candidates think through answers to these, and lots of candidates don't win because they quit on that notion of self-examination. For me, politics happened overnight when an opportunity presented itself. Because the military makes you think you have to be uber-prepared for everything, I thought that maybe I'd have a seat in about ten years. We did it in three months. ** p. 125 * It's up to us as consumers of information to be smarter, to take control. The only way a problem gets fixed is if you fix it as an individual. Don't just read to confirm your own preconceived bias. Do your research. Wait to form an opinion. You do no harm when you say you don't know and you don't have an opinion. There's no shame in that. There's a lot of shame in having a strong opinion with no facts. Too many people are very quick to feel a truth. You can't feel a truth. You can have feelings, but don't pretend that your feelings are what matter the most. Don't let your feelings drive your reality. A lot of people, veterans and civilians, fall victim to victimhood. They feel like they are victims. What are you doing, then? You're removing power from yourself. Now you're letting somebody else have control over you. That's a terrible existence. Even if you were really unfairly treated, you have to tell yourself a story of overcoming that. It's the only way out. Period. Full stop. ** p. 129 ===2021=== *Don’t kid yourself into believing that’s why we lost. It’s not. I’ll tell you openly. I'm not wrong. **[https://www.thegatewaypundit.com/2021/08/going-viral-rep-dan-crenshaw-tells-supporters-dont-kid-2020-election-absolutely-not-stolen-election-video-rinoreveal/ 12 August 2021] ===2022=== *This is what happens when angry little boys like @alexstein99 don’t grow up and can’t get girlfriends… **18 June 2022 [https://twitter.com/DanCrenshawTX/status/1538253445181972481 tweet] about [[Alex Stein]] after Stein called Crenshaw a RINO in [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cx07Eg815fs earlier encounter] ==Quotes about Crenshaw== *a super PAC called Conservative Results Matter is going after Republican Dan Crenshaw, calling him an “anti-Trump liberal,” in the two-way GOP runoff to replace retiring Texas Rep. Ted Poe. “‘Insane, hateful, idiot.’ These are the words so-called Republican Dan Crenshaw used to describe President Trump,” the narrator says in a new TV ad from the super PAC. “Crenshaw called Trump an ‘idiot.’” The attack mirrors a Facebook post by Crenshaw’s runoff opponent, state Rep. Kevin Roberts, which cites an old Facebook post of Crenshaw’s and says Crenshaw “openly [attacked] Donald Trump as an ‘idiot,’ ‘insane,’ and ‘ignorant.’” **[https://www.politico.com/story/2018/05/02/trump-republican-primaries-midterms-564181 2 May 2018] *Not only was the SNL blowup a huge boon to Crenshaw’s campaign and public image, but it also totally blotted out any memory of the fact that the former Navy SEAL is linked to far-right conspiracy group “Tea Party,” which popularized the Pizzagate conspiracy. On August 31, Newsweek reported that Crenshaw and four other GOP nominees were or had been administrators on a popular Facebook group that bolstered the 2017 Unite the Right rally in Charlottesville, pushed Pizzagate, and provided a comfortable home for racist chit-chat.<br>When Newsweek contacted Crenshaw about the group he was listed as an administrator and had posted two of his campaign movies to the group, Crenshaw told the publication he’d “never actively managed or interacted with that page.” He then removed himself from the group. **12 November 2018 [https://forward.com/schmooze/414067/new-gop-rep-buries-hatchet-with-pete-davidson-on-snl-distracting-from-link/ Jenny Singer of The Forward] == External links == {{Wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Crenshaw, Dan}} [[Category:Members of the United States House of Representatives]] [[Category:1984 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:People from Texas]] [[Category:Members of the Republican Party (United States)]] [[Category:Military leaders from the United States]] [[Category:People from Scotland]] sp6pfkueqnh4je7wmydvyw4p8c0utz1 3153094 3153091 2022-08-10T02:05:05Z AC9016 2870313 /* Fortitude (2020) */ wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Dan Crenshaw, official portrait, 116th Congress 2.jpg|thumb| Living with duty means having a duty to those who aren't able to complete their mission because they would want you to keep going. They would want you to live life with a purpose. That's a message for civilians; that's a message for veterans.]] '''[[w:Dan Crenshaw|Daniel Crenshaw]]''' (born March 14, 1984) is an American politician who is the [[w:United States House of Representatives|U.S. Representative]]-elect for [[w:Texas's 2nd congressional district|Texas's 2nd congressional district]]. A member of the [[w:Republican Party (United States)|Republican Party]], he is a former [[w:United States Navy SEALs|Navy SEAL]] officer. He was elected in the [[w:United States House of Representatives elections in Texas, 2018|2018 election]]. [[File:Galveston Island Park Beach Sand Castle (5984947488).jpg|thumb|It is quite the challenge to examine your own attributes, your failings, and then attempt to extract the lessons from your past that make you who you are today. This book is largely a product of that journey.]] [[File:A seal during the sun set.jpg|thumb|The ability to deal with adversity, to accept pain, to be calm under pressure- these are the traits we look for. Some can be taught, much is innate.]] [[File:Bronze Star Medal pinned on Navy SEAL.jpg|thumb|If you want to be a person who doesn't freak out just because you're scared or whatever else you're doing, then decide to be that person. Every time you fall short of that goal, look back on that situation and tell yourself you're going to do better next time. Eventually you will.]] ==Quotes== ===2018=== *As a long-time supporter of Israel, I will ensure that our alliance does not waver, and that America continues to support Israeli security, advocate for her on the international stage, and contain the threat from Iran and terrorism across the region. **[https://crenshawforcongress.com/supporting-our-israeli-allies/ 19 April 2018 or earlier] *Israel is our most important ally in the Middle East. We must always stand with Israel. **[https://twitter.com/DanCrenshawTX/status/987001162896433152 19 April 2018] *I've always supported President Trump, I didn't always support candidate Trump. **[https://freebeacon.com/politics/super-pac-whitewashes-former-seals-battle-wound-attack-ad/ 9 May 2018] *I always ask the question, like what? You know, like what is he undermining exactly? You know what – what democratic freedoms have been undermined? We just had an election where we switched power in the House. Democracy is at work. People are voting in record numbers. **19 November 2018 on CBS "Face the Nation", reported on by [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zLZaKMdObVI&t=1m Fox] and [https://townhall.com/tipsheet/cortneyobrien/2018/11/19/dan-crenshaw-face-the-nation-n2536177 Town Hall] ===2019=== *Tonight I voted no on the spending bill. Here’s why:<br>I reluctantly voted against this bill,<br>There are many things to like in this bill and many examples of good-faith compromises. But this vote was about the border security debate, an issue which shouldn't be debatable in the first place. There are approximately 400,000 illegal immigrants apprehended while crossing our border each year, and this bill does not take the necessary steps to fix the problem. This issue is not about who wins arbitrary political battles; it's about the security and sovereignty of our nation. When will we start taking it seriously and finally give our border agents the resources they've requested? **[https://twitter.com/RepDanCrenshaw/status/1096249589101924353 14 February 2019] ===2020=== ==== ''Fortitude'' (2020) ==== :<small>''Fortitude: American Resilience in the Era of Outrage'' (2020). New York: Twelve Books. First edition April 2020.</small> * My mother spent half a decade staring death in the face, burdened with caring for two small boys whom she would not live to see grow up. She lived day to day in ever-increasing pain. The cancer afflicted her- and the cancer treatments afflicted her, too. Six rounds of chemotherapy on top of radiation treatments are a brutal experience for even the strongest constitution. Self-pity is never a useful state. But if anyone had reason to feel sorry for herself, and to complain a bit, it was my mom. She never did. ** p. 22-23 * A little perspective can be the difference between spiraling into dark despair and clawing your way back to the light. A brave young woman fought through despair twenty years before, which meant I could do it now, suffering in darkness in a sterile hospital room in Germany. So when the doctors told me I had virtually no chance of seeing ever again, I just heard one thing: ''Virtually''. ** p. 23 * A favorite memory of many veterans is their time sitting around grumbling incessantly about their circumstances with their teammates. I have to admit that we do this ''way'' more than the average group of people. It's like a continuous group therapy project. When the guys stop complaining, leadership starts to worry. What's wrong with them? Are they depressed? Something wrong at home? The reality is that in these high-performing environments, where everyone is a perfectionist and overachiever, people like to point out deficiencies in the most over-the-top fashion, usually with a side of sarcastic and cutting humor. The good news is that they also aspire to fix those problems. Or maybe we are just a bunch of divas. I don't know. Maybe it's both. ** p. 123 * Writing this book was the first time I thought deeply about the lessons I'd derived from the SEAL teams, and life in general. '''It is quite the challenge to examine your own attributes, your failings, and then attempt to extract the lessons from your past that make you who you are today. This book is largely a product of that journey.''' ** p. 245 * Some of my most important edits came from my wife, Tara, who knows me best. She is my rock and is responsible for the confidence I have today. She stuck with me through the worst of times, and she understands the lesson of fortitude better than anyone. She is also the first to tell me when I don't live up to those lessons. Thank you, Mom, for being the first to show me a true hero. You are the embodiment of fortitude, and my brother and I have spent our lives trying to live up to your memory. This book is for you. ** p. 247 ==== ''Modern Warriors'' (2020) interview ==== :<small>''Modern Warriors: Real Stories From Real Heroes'' by Pete Hegseth. New York: HarperCollins Publishers. First edition November 2020.</small> * '''The ability to deal with adversity, to accept pain, to be calm under pressure- these are the traits we look for. Some can be taught, much is innate.''' ** p. 115 * As bad as I had it, lots of people have had it worse than me. Lots of others had made the ultimate sacrifice. I've got the initials of eight of those guys tattooed on my chest. So even when you're lying bleeding on the ground, unable to see much of anything, and later totally facedown in a bed for six weeks, you know what? Your buddies don't even get to have that chance because they're dead. That sounds morbid, but it's true. It should toughen your spine a little bit and make you feel grateful for being here at all. Too many people don't show gratitude for the new mission that they might have. They complain. They complain about the Veterans Administration. They complain about their disability payments. They complain about their lack of opportunity. Well, your buddies don't get to complain at all, and I think they would be grateful for anything. '''Living with duty means having a duty to those who aren't able to complete their mission because they would want you to keep going. They would want you to live life with a purpose. That's a message for civilians; that's a message for veterans.''' ** p. 118-119 * Everybody I knew who became a SEAL wanted to be one for a long time. You wanted this. You knew that you were, or wanted to be, an outside-the-box thinker, a sort of renegade or rebel, but also a strictly disciplined soldier. So you became that before you got to BUD/S (basic underwater demolition/SEAL training). BUD/S just made you prove it and then trained you to harness that. You learn how to exist in two different mental states: those of an ultra-aggressive combatant and a chivalrous gentleman. And you can instantaneously transition between the two. That's a warrior. ** p. 120 * In BUD/S the failures are more surprising than the successes. A lot of times, the most athletic, the fittest, the physically strongest candidates were the ones who quit. They should have been able to just crush it, but they didn't. Part of that is because they spent too much time on physical preparation and not enough on mental preparation. They believed that becasue of their physicality, their athleticism, they wouldn't be so surprised when faced with immediate failure. Those failures happen so fast in BUD/S. Your body fails constantly. That's what the program is designed to do to you. It is not physically possible to do everything that is being demanded of you. So you break down; you can't do every repetition of every exercise. We called them beatdowns for a reason. The instructors want us to break down and run away with our tail between our legs. They keep pressing us to go on, even after you thought that the activity was over. That happens to you over and over again. Your muscles fail you. And the instructors understand that difference between quitting- a failure of the will- and failing- your body giving out when you have already pushed yourself past what you once perceived as your limit. They respect that you hung in there long enough to truly fail. That's probably why you see so much anxiety and increasing suicide in our larger society. We have the most comfortable society the world has ever known. And that's good; I'm glad we do. But it's also made some people weak, and they break down when confronted with suffering. '''If you want to be a person who doesn't freak out just because you're scared or whatever else you're doing, then decide to be that person. Every time you fall short of that goal, look back on that situation and tell yourself you're going to do better next time. Eventually you will.''' ** p. 121 * Politics is the social manifestation of a set of policies. When I speak to kids, I let them know that there's a crucial difference between politics and policy. If you want to go into politics, then you have to be a representative of other people. To do that, you have to be able to communicate well. So before you decide to run for office, you have to ask yourself a few questions: Do you care about just one policy or issue? Are you good at communicating? Are you able to frame and win an argument? What are you good at? I don't think that all elected officials or candidates think through answers to these, and lots of candidates don't win because they quit on that notion of self-examination. For me, politics happened overnight when an opportunity presented itself. Because the military makes you think you have to be uber-prepared for everything, I thought that maybe I'd have a seat in about ten years. We did it in three months. ** p. 125 * It's up to us as consumers of information to be smarter, to take control. The only way a problem gets fixed is if you fix it as an individual. Don't just read to confirm your own preconceived bias. Do your research. Wait to form an opinion. You do no harm when you say you don't know and you don't have an opinion. There's no shame in that. There's a lot of shame in having a strong opinion with no facts. Too many people are very quick to feel a truth. You can't feel a truth. You can have feelings, but don't pretend that your feelings are what matter the most. Don't let your feelings drive your reality. A lot of people, veterans and civilians, fall victim to victimhood. They feel like they are victims. What are you doing, then? You're removing power from yourself. Now you're letting somebody else have control over you. That's a terrible existence. Even if you were really unfairly treated, you have to tell yourself a story of overcoming that. It's the only way out. Period. Full stop. ** p. 129 ===2021=== *Don’t kid yourself into believing that’s why we lost. It’s not. I’ll tell you openly. I'm not wrong. **[https://www.thegatewaypundit.com/2021/08/going-viral-rep-dan-crenshaw-tells-supporters-dont-kid-2020-election-absolutely-not-stolen-election-video-rinoreveal/ 12 August 2021] ===2022=== *This is what happens when angry little boys like @alexstein99 don’t grow up and can’t get girlfriends… **18 June 2022 [https://twitter.com/DanCrenshawTX/status/1538253445181972481 tweet] about [[Alex Stein]] after Stein called Crenshaw a RINO in [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cx07Eg815fs earlier encounter] ==Quotes about Crenshaw== *a super PAC called Conservative Results Matter is going after Republican Dan Crenshaw, calling him an “anti-Trump liberal,” in the two-way GOP runoff to replace retiring Texas Rep. Ted Poe. “‘Insane, hateful, idiot.’ These are the words so-called Republican Dan Crenshaw used to describe President Trump,” the narrator says in a new TV ad from the super PAC. “Crenshaw called Trump an ‘idiot.’” The attack mirrors a Facebook post by Crenshaw’s runoff opponent, state Rep. Kevin Roberts, which cites an old Facebook post of Crenshaw’s and says Crenshaw “openly [attacked] Donald Trump as an ‘idiot,’ ‘insane,’ and ‘ignorant.’” **[https://www.politico.com/story/2018/05/02/trump-republican-primaries-midterms-564181 2 May 2018] *Not only was the SNL blowup a huge boon to Crenshaw’s campaign and public image, but it also totally blotted out any memory of the fact that the former Navy SEAL is linked to far-right conspiracy group “Tea Party,” which popularized the Pizzagate conspiracy. On August 31, Newsweek reported that Crenshaw and four other GOP nominees were or had been administrators on a popular Facebook group that bolstered the 2017 Unite the Right rally in Charlottesville, pushed Pizzagate, and provided a comfortable home for racist chit-chat.<br>When Newsweek contacted Crenshaw about the group he was listed as an administrator and had posted two of his campaign movies to the group, Crenshaw told the publication he’d “never actively managed or interacted with that page.” He then removed himself from the group. **12 November 2018 [https://forward.com/schmooze/414067/new-gop-rep-buries-hatchet-with-pete-davidson-on-snl-distracting-from-link/ Jenny Singer of The Forward] == External links == {{Wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Crenshaw, Dan}} [[Category:Members of the United States House of Representatives]] [[Category:1984 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:People from Texas]] [[Category:Members of the Republican Party (United States)]] [[Category:Military leaders from the United States]] [[Category:People from Scotland]] skm9c0ury4a3s5sr6osoq9v23sspj8h 3153099 3153094 2022-08-10T02:10:00Z AC9016 2870313 /* Fortitude (2020) */ wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Dan Crenshaw, official portrait, 116th Congress 2.jpg|thumb| Living with duty means having a duty to those who aren't able to complete their mission because they would want you to keep going. They would want you to live life with a purpose. That's a message for civilians; that's a message for veterans.]] '''[[w:Dan Crenshaw|Daniel Crenshaw]]''' (born March 14, 1984) is an American politician who is the [[w:United States House of Representatives|U.S. Representative]]-elect for [[w:Texas's 2nd congressional district|Texas's 2nd congressional district]]. A member of the [[w:Republican Party (United States)|Republican Party]], he is a former [[w:United States Navy SEALs|Navy SEAL]] officer. He was elected in the [[w:United States House of Representatives elections in Texas, 2018|2018 election]]. [[File:Galveston Island Park Beach Sand Castle (5984947488).jpg|thumb|It is quite the challenge to examine your own attributes, your failings, and then attempt to extract the lessons from your past that make you who you are today. This book is largely a product of that journey.]] [[File:A seal during the sun set.jpg|thumb|The ability to deal with adversity, to accept pain, to be calm under pressure- these are the traits we look for. Some can be taught, much is innate.]] [[File:Bronze Star Medal pinned on Navy SEAL.jpg|thumb|If you want to be a person who doesn't freak out just because you're scared or whatever else you're doing, then decide to be that person. Every time you fall short of that goal, look back on that situation and tell yourself you're going to do better next time. Eventually you will.]] ==Quotes== ===2018=== *As a long-time supporter of Israel, I will ensure that our alliance does not waver, and that America continues to support Israeli security, advocate for her on the international stage, and contain the threat from Iran and terrorism across the region. **[https://crenshawforcongress.com/supporting-our-israeli-allies/ 19 April 2018 or earlier] *Israel is our most important ally in the Middle East. We must always stand with Israel. **[https://twitter.com/DanCrenshawTX/status/987001162896433152 19 April 2018] *I've always supported President Trump, I didn't always support candidate Trump. **[https://freebeacon.com/politics/super-pac-whitewashes-former-seals-battle-wound-attack-ad/ 9 May 2018] *I always ask the question, like what? You know, like what is he undermining exactly? You know what – what democratic freedoms have been undermined? We just had an election where we switched power in the House. Democracy is at work. People are voting in record numbers. **19 November 2018 on CBS "Face the Nation", reported on by [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zLZaKMdObVI&t=1m Fox] and [https://townhall.com/tipsheet/cortneyobrien/2018/11/19/dan-crenshaw-face-the-nation-n2536177 Town Hall] ===2019=== *Tonight I voted no on the spending bill. Here’s why:<br>I reluctantly voted against this bill,<br>There are many things to like in this bill and many examples of good-faith compromises. But this vote was about the border security debate, an issue which shouldn't be debatable in the first place. There are approximately 400,000 illegal immigrants apprehended while crossing our border each year, and this bill does not take the necessary steps to fix the problem. This issue is not about who wins arbitrary political battles; it's about the security and sovereignty of our nation. When will we start taking it seriously and finally give our border agents the resources they've requested? **[https://twitter.com/RepDanCrenshaw/status/1096249589101924353 14 February 2019] ===2020=== ==== ''Fortitude'' (2020) ==== :<small>''Fortitude: American Resilience in the Era of Outrage'' (2020). New York: Twelve Books. First edition April 2020.</small> * My mother spent half a decade staring death in the face, burdened with caring for two small boys whom she would not live to see grow up. She lived day to day in ever-increasing pain. The cancer afflicted her- and the cancer treatments afflicted her, too. Six rounds of chemotherapy on top of radiation treatments are a brutal experience for even the strongest constitution. Self-pity is never a useful state. But if anyone had reason to feel sorry for herself, and to complain a bit, it was my mom. She never did. ** p. 22-23 * A little perspective can be the difference between spiraling into dark despair and clawing your way back to the light. A brave young woman fought through despair twenty years before, which meant I could do it now, suffering in darkness in a sterile hospital room in Germany. So when the doctors told me I had virtually no chance of seeing ever again, I just heard one thing: ''Virtually''. ** p. 23 * As my career progressed, I took note of the leaders I respected. I thought about their actions, their manner of speaking, their habits. I noticed the way they incorporated humor to give a successful briefing, interacted gracefully with their subordinates, and thought creatively about tactical situations. I observed how some leaders would react too emotionally in tense situations, and how the team reacted as a result. Calm breeds calm, and panic breeds panic. Were these great leaders the fastest or the strongest? The best shooters? Not always. The qualities that made SEAL leaders great were rarely physical in nature. They listened. They empowered their team to be successful, carefully entrusting individuals with additional responsibility. They highlighted good performance publicly and criticized bad performance privately. They didn't waste their men's time. They were prepared and thoughtful with mission planning. They were articulate but also genuine. They came across as real people with humor and emotions instead of just robotic military men. ** p. 46 * A favorite memory of many veterans is their time sitting around grumbling incessantly about their circumstances with their teammates. I have to admit that we do this ''way'' more than the average group of people. It's like a continuous group therapy project. When the guys stop complaining, leadership starts to worry. What's wrong with them? Are they depressed? Something wrong at home? The reality is that in these high-performing environments, where everyone is a perfectionist and overachiever, people like to point out deficiencies in the most over-the-top fashion, usually with a side of sarcastic and cutting humor. The good news is that they also aspire to fix those problems. Or maybe we are just a bunch of divas. I don't know. Maybe it's both. ** p. 123 * Writing this book was the first time I thought deeply about the lessons I'd derived from the SEAL teams, and life in general. '''It is quite the challenge to examine your own attributes, your failings, and then attempt to extract the lessons from your past that make you who you are today. This book is largely a product of that journey.''' ** p. 245 * Some of my most important edits came from my wife, Tara, who knows me best. She is my rock and is responsible for the confidence I have today. She stuck with me through the worst of times, and she understands the lesson of fortitude better than anyone. She is also the first to tell me when I don't live up to those lessons. Thank you, Mom, for being the first to show me a true hero. You are the embodiment of fortitude, and my brother and I have spent our lives trying to live up to your memory. This book is for you. ** p. 247 ==== ''Modern Warriors'' (2020) interview ==== :<small>''Modern Warriors: Real Stories From Real Heroes'' by Pete Hegseth. New York: HarperCollins Publishers. First edition November 2020.</small> * '''The ability to deal with adversity, to accept pain, to be calm under pressure- these are the traits we look for. Some can be taught, much is innate.''' ** p. 115 * As bad as I had it, lots of people have had it worse than me. Lots of others had made the ultimate sacrifice. I've got the initials of eight of those guys tattooed on my chest. So even when you're lying bleeding on the ground, unable to see much of anything, and later totally facedown in a bed for six weeks, you know what? Your buddies don't even get to have that chance because they're dead. That sounds morbid, but it's true. It should toughen your spine a little bit and make you feel grateful for being here at all. Too many people don't show gratitude for the new mission that they might have. They complain. They complain about the Veterans Administration. They complain about their disability payments. They complain about their lack of opportunity. Well, your buddies don't get to complain at all, and I think they would be grateful for anything. '''Living with duty means having a duty to those who aren't able to complete their mission because they would want you to keep going. They would want you to live life with a purpose. That's a message for civilians; that's a message for veterans.''' ** p. 118-119 * Everybody I knew who became a SEAL wanted to be one for a long time. You wanted this. You knew that you were, or wanted to be, an outside-the-box thinker, a sort of renegade or rebel, but also a strictly disciplined soldier. So you became that before you got to BUD/S (basic underwater demolition/SEAL training). BUD/S just made you prove it and then trained you to harness that. You learn how to exist in two different mental states: those of an ultra-aggressive combatant and a chivalrous gentleman. And you can instantaneously transition between the two. That's a warrior. ** p. 120 * In BUD/S the failures are more surprising than the successes. A lot of times, the most athletic, the fittest, the physically strongest candidates were the ones who quit. They should have been able to just crush it, but they didn't. Part of that is because they spent too much time on physical preparation and not enough on mental preparation. They believed that becasue of their physicality, their athleticism, they wouldn't be so surprised when faced with immediate failure. Those failures happen so fast in BUD/S. Your body fails constantly. That's what the program is designed to do to you. It is not physically possible to do everything that is being demanded of you. So you break down; you can't do every repetition of every exercise. We called them beatdowns for a reason. The instructors want us to break down and run away with our tail between our legs. They keep pressing us to go on, even after you thought that the activity was over. That happens to you over and over again. Your muscles fail you. And the instructors understand that difference between quitting- a failure of the will- and failing- your body giving out when you have already pushed yourself past what you once perceived as your limit. They respect that you hung in there long enough to truly fail. That's probably why you see so much anxiety and increasing suicide in our larger society. We have the most comfortable society the world has ever known. And that's good; I'm glad we do. But it's also made some people weak, and they break down when confronted with suffering. '''If you want to be a person who doesn't freak out just because you're scared or whatever else you're doing, then decide to be that person. Every time you fall short of that goal, look back on that situation and tell yourself you're going to do better next time. Eventually you will.''' ** p. 121 * Politics is the social manifestation of a set of policies. When I speak to kids, I let them know that there's a crucial difference between politics and policy. If you want to go into politics, then you have to be a representative of other people. To do that, you have to be able to communicate well. So before you decide to run for office, you have to ask yourself a few questions: Do you care about just one policy or issue? Are you good at communicating? Are you able to frame and win an argument? What are you good at? I don't think that all elected officials or candidates think through answers to these, and lots of candidates don't win because they quit on that notion of self-examination. For me, politics happened overnight when an opportunity presented itself. Because the military makes you think you have to be uber-prepared for everything, I thought that maybe I'd have a seat in about ten years. We did it in three months. ** p. 125 * It's up to us as consumers of information to be smarter, to take control. The only way a problem gets fixed is if you fix it as an individual. Don't just read to confirm your own preconceived bias. Do your research. Wait to form an opinion. You do no harm when you say you don't know and you don't have an opinion. There's no shame in that. There's a lot of shame in having a strong opinion with no facts. Too many people are very quick to feel a truth. You can't feel a truth. You can have feelings, but don't pretend that your feelings are what matter the most. Don't let your feelings drive your reality. A lot of people, veterans and civilians, fall victim to victimhood. They feel like they are victims. What are you doing, then? You're removing power from yourself. Now you're letting somebody else have control over you. That's a terrible existence. Even if you were really unfairly treated, you have to tell yourself a story of overcoming that. It's the only way out. Period. Full stop. ** p. 129 ===2021=== *Don’t kid yourself into believing that’s why we lost. It’s not. I’ll tell you openly. I'm not wrong. **[https://www.thegatewaypundit.com/2021/08/going-viral-rep-dan-crenshaw-tells-supporters-dont-kid-2020-election-absolutely-not-stolen-election-video-rinoreveal/ 12 August 2021] ===2022=== *This is what happens when angry little boys like @alexstein99 don’t grow up and can’t get girlfriends… **18 June 2022 [https://twitter.com/DanCrenshawTX/status/1538253445181972481 tweet] about [[Alex Stein]] after Stein called Crenshaw a RINO in [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cx07Eg815fs earlier encounter] ==Quotes about Crenshaw== *a super PAC called Conservative Results Matter is going after Republican Dan Crenshaw, calling him an “anti-Trump liberal,” in the two-way GOP runoff to replace retiring Texas Rep. Ted Poe. “‘Insane, hateful, idiot.’ These are the words so-called Republican Dan Crenshaw used to describe President Trump,” the narrator says in a new TV ad from the super PAC. “Crenshaw called Trump an ‘idiot.’” The attack mirrors a Facebook post by Crenshaw’s runoff opponent, state Rep. Kevin Roberts, which cites an old Facebook post of Crenshaw’s and says Crenshaw “openly [attacked] Donald Trump as an ‘idiot,’ ‘insane,’ and ‘ignorant.’” **[https://www.politico.com/story/2018/05/02/trump-republican-primaries-midterms-564181 2 May 2018] *Not only was the SNL blowup a huge boon to Crenshaw’s campaign and public image, but it also totally blotted out any memory of the fact that the former Navy SEAL is linked to far-right conspiracy group “Tea Party,” which popularized the Pizzagate conspiracy. On August 31, Newsweek reported that Crenshaw and four other GOP nominees were or had been administrators on a popular Facebook group that bolstered the 2017 Unite the Right rally in Charlottesville, pushed Pizzagate, and provided a comfortable home for racist chit-chat.<br>When Newsweek contacted Crenshaw about the group he was listed as an administrator and had posted two of his campaign movies to the group, Crenshaw told the publication he’d “never actively managed or interacted with that page.” He then removed himself from the group. **12 November 2018 [https://forward.com/schmooze/414067/new-gop-rep-buries-hatchet-with-pete-davidson-on-snl-distracting-from-link/ Jenny Singer of The Forward] == External links == {{Wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Crenshaw, Dan}} [[Category:Members of the United States House of Representatives]] [[Category:1984 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:People from Texas]] [[Category:Members of the Republican Party (United States)]] [[Category:Military leaders from the United States]] [[Category:People from Scotland]] lipph46tdsame5flkrzh1umlkgll4ld 3153101 3153099 2022-08-10T02:12:08Z AC9016 2870313 /* Fortitude (2020) */ wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Dan Crenshaw, official portrait, 116th Congress 2.jpg|thumb| Living with duty means having a duty to those who aren't able to complete their mission because they would want you to keep going. They would want you to live life with a purpose. That's a message for civilians; that's a message for veterans.]] '''[[w:Dan Crenshaw|Daniel Crenshaw]]''' (born March 14, 1984) is an American politician who is the [[w:United States House of Representatives|U.S. Representative]]-elect for [[w:Texas's 2nd congressional district|Texas's 2nd congressional district]]. A member of the [[w:Republican Party (United States)|Republican Party]], he is a former [[w:United States Navy SEALs|Navy SEAL]] officer. He was elected in the [[w:United States House of Representatives elections in Texas, 2018|2018 election]]. [[File:Galveston Island Park Beach Sand Castle (5984947488).jpg|thumb|It is quite the challenge to examine your own attributes, your failings, and then attempt to extract the lessons from your past that make you who you are today. This book is largely a product of that journey.]] [[File:A seal during the sun set.jpg|thumb|The ability to deal with adversity, to accept pain, to be calm under pressure- these are the traits we look for. Some can be taught, much is innate.]] [[File:Bronze Star Medal pinned on Navy SEAL.jpg|thumb|If you want to be a person who doesn't freak out just because you're scared or whatever else you're doing, then decide to be that person. Every time you fall short of that goal, look back on that situation and tell yourself you're going to do better next time. Eventually you will.]] ==Quotes== ===2018=== *As a long-time supporter of Israel, I will ensure that our alliance does not waver, and that America continues to support Israeli security, advocate for her on the international stage, and contain the threat from Iran and terrorism across the region. **[https://crenshawforcongress.com/supporting-our-israeli-allies/ 19 April 2018 or earlier] *Israel is our most important ally in the Middle East. We must always stand with Israel. **[https://twitter.com/DanCrenshawTX/status/987001162896433152 19 April 2018] *I've always supported President Trump, I didn't always support candidate Trump. **[https://freebeacon.com/politics/super-pac-whitewashes-former-seals-battle-wound-attack-ad/ 9 May 2018] *I always ask the question, like what? You know, like what is he undermining exactly? You know what – what democratic freedoms have been undermined? We just had an election where we switched power in the House. Democracy is at work. People are voting in record numbers. **19 November 2018 on CBS "Face the Nation", reported on by [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zLZaKMdObVI&t=1m Fox] and [https://townhall.com/tipsheet/cortneyobrien/2018/11/19/dan-crenshaw-face-the-nation-n2536177 Town Hall] ===2019=== *Tonight I voted no on the spending bill. Here’s why:<br>I reluctantly voted against this bill,<br>There are many things to like in this bill and many examples of good-faith compromises. But this vote was about the border security debate, an issue which shouldn't be debatable in the first place. There are approximately 400,000 illegal immigrants apprehended while crossing our border each year, and this bill does not take the necessary steps to fix the problem. This issue is not about who wins arbitrary political battles; it's about the security and sovereignty of our nation. When will we start taking it seriously and finally give our border agents the resources they've requested? **[https://twitter.com/RepDanCrenshaw/status/1096249589101924353 14 February 2019] ===2020=== ==== ''Fortitude'' (2020) ==== :<small>''Fortitude: American Resilience in the Era of Outrage'' (2020). New York: Twelve Books. First edition April 2020.</small> * My mother spent half a decade staring death in the face, burdened with caring for two small boys whom she would not live to see grow up. She lived day to day in ever-increasing pain. The cancer afflicted her- and the cancer treatments afflicted her, too. Six rounds of chemotherapy on top of radiation treatments are a brutal experience for even the strongest constitution. Self-pity is never a useful state. But if anyone had reason to feel sorry for herself, and to complain a bit, it was my mom. She never did. ** p. 22-23 * A little perspective can be the difference between spiraling into dark despair and clawing your way back to the light. A brave young woman fought through despair twenty years before, which meant I could do it now, suffering in darkness in a sterile hospital room in Germany. So when the doctors told me I had virtually no chance of seeing ever again, I just heard one thing: ''Virtually''. ** p. 23 * As my career progressed, I took note of the leaders I respected. I thought about their actions, their manner of speaking, their habits. I noticed the way they incorporated humor to give a successful briefing, interacted gracefully with their subordinates, and thought creatively about tactical situations. I observed how some leaders would react too emotionally in tense situations, and how the team reacted as a result. Calm breeds calm, and panic breeds panic. Were these great leaders the fastest or the strongest? The best shooters? Not always. The qualities that made SEAL leaders great were rarely physical in nature. They listened. They empowered their team to be successful, carefully entrusting individuals with additional responsibility. They highlighted good performance publicly and criticized bad performance privately. They didn't waste their men's time. They were prepared and thoughtful with mission planning. They were articulate but also genuine. They came across as real people with humor and emotions instead of just robotic military men. ** p. 46 * The question is: How do we become the heroes we want to be? My answer: Sanctioned intellectual property theft, that's how. No one has a patent on good habits. You can steal them. Identify your heroes, and emulate the character traits that make them more successful than you currently are. ** p. 49 * A favorite memory of many veterans is their time sitting around grumbling incessantly about their circumstances with their teammates. I have to admit that we do this ''way'' more than the average group of people. It's like a continuous group therapy project. When the guys stop complaining, leadership starts to worry. What's wrong with them? Are they depressed? Something wrong at home? The reality is that in these high-performing environments, where everyone is a perfectionist and overachiever, people like to point out deficiencies in the most over-the-top fashion, usually with a side of sarcastic and cutting humor. The good news is that they also aspire to fix those problems. Or maybe we are just a bunch of divas. I don't know. Maybe it's both. ** p. 123 * Writing this book was the first time I thought deeply about the lessons I'd derived from the SEAL teams, and life in general. '''It is quite the challenge to examine your own attributes, your failings, and then attempt to extract the lessons from your past that make you who you are today. This book is largely a product of that journey.''' ** p. 245 * Some of my most important edits came from my wife, Tara, who knows me best. She is my rock and is responsible for the confidence I have today. She stuck with me through the worst of times, and she understands the lesson of fortitude better than anyone. She is also the first to tell me when I don't live up to those lessons. Thank you, Mom, for being the first to show me a true hero. You are the embodiment of fortitude, and my brother and I have spent our lives trying to live up to your memory. This book is for you. ** p. 247 ==== ''Modern Warriors'' (2020) interview ==== :<small>''Modern Warriors: Real Stories From Real Heroes'' by Pete Hegseth. New York: HarperCollins Publishers. First edition November 2020.</small> * '''The ability to deal with adversity, to accept pain, to be calm under pressure- these are the traits we look for. Some can be taught, much is innate.''' ** p. 115 * As bad as I had it, lots of people have had it worse than me. Lots of others had made the ultimate sacrifice. I've got the initials of eight of those guys tattooed on my chest. So even when you're lying bleeding on the ground, unable to see much of anything, and later totally facedown in a bed for six weeks, you know what? Your buddies don't even get to have that chance because they're dead. That sounds morbid, but it's true. It should toughen your spine a little bit and make you feel grateful for being here at all. Too many people don't show gratitude for the new mission that they might have. They complain. They complain about the Veterans Administration. They complain about their disability payments. They complain about their lack of opportunity. Well, your buddies don't get to complain at all, and I think they would be grateful for anything. '''Living with duty means having a duty to those who aren't able to complete their mission because they would want you to keep going. They would want you to live life with a purpose. That's a message for civilians; that's a message for veterans.''' ** p. 118-119 * Everybody I knew who became a SEAL wanted to be one for a long time. You wanted this. You knew that you were, or wanted to be, an outside-the-box thinker, a sort of renegade or rebel, but also a strictly disciplined soldier. So you became that before you got to BUD/S (basic underwater demolition/SEAL training). BUD/S just made you prove it and then trained you to harness that. You learn how to exist in two different mental states: those of an ultra-aggressive combatant and a chivalrous gentleman. And you can instantaneously transition between the two. That's a warrior. ** p. 120 * In BUD/S the failures are more surprising than the successes. A lot of times, the most athletic, the fittest, the physically strongest candidates were the ones who quit. They should have been able to just crush it, but they didn't. Part of that is because they spent too much time on physical preparation and not enough on mental preparation. They believed that becasue of their physicality, their athleticism, they wouldn't be so surprised when faced with immediate failure. Those failures happen so fast in BUD/S. Your body fails constantly. That's what the program is designed to do to you. It is not physically possible to do everything that is being demanded of you. So you break down; you can't do every repetition of every exercise. We called them beatdowns for a reason. The instructors want us to break down and run away with our tail between our legs. They keep pressing us to go on, even after you thought that the activity was over. That happens to you over and over again. Your muscles fail you. And the instructors understand that difference between quitting- a failure of the will- and failing- your body giving out when you have already pushed yourself past what you once perceived as your limit. They respect that you hung in there long enough to truly fail. That's probably why you see so much anxiety and increasing suicide in our larger society. We have the most comfortable society the world has ever known. And that's good; I'm glad we do. But it's also made some people weak, and they break down when confronted with suffering. '''If you want to be a person who doesn't freak out just because you're scared or whatever else you're doing, then decide to be that person. Every time you fall short of that goal, look back on that situation and tell yourself you're going to do better next time. Eventually you will.''' ** p. 121 * Politics is the social manifestation of a set of policies. When I speak to kids, I let them know that there's a crucial difference between politics and policy. If you want to go into politics, then you have to be a representative of other people. To do that, you have to be able to communicate well. So before you decide to run for office, you have to ask yourself a few questions: Do you care about just one policy or issue? Are you good at communicating? Are you able to frame and win an argument? What are you good at? I don't think that all elected officials or candidates think through answers to these, and lots of candidates don't win because they quit on that notion of self-examination. For me, politics happened overnight when an opportunity presented itself. Because the military makes you think you have to be uber-prepared for everything, I thought that maybe I'd have a seat in about ten years. We did it in three months. ** p. 125 * It's up to us as consumers of information to be smarter, to take control. The only way a problem gets fixed is if you fix it as an individual. Don't just read to confirm your own preconceived bias. Do your research. Wait to form an opinion. You do no harm when you say you don't know and you don't have an opinion. There's no shame in that. There's a lot of shame in having a strong opinion with no facts. Too many people are very quick to feel a truth. You can't feel a truth. You can have feelings, but don't pretend that your feelings are what matter the most. Don't let your feelings drive your reality. A lot of people, veterans and civilians, fall victim to victimhood. They feel like they are victims. What are you doing, then? You're removing power from yourself. Now you're letting somebody else have control over you. That's a terrible existence. Even if you were really unfairly treated, you have to tell yourself a story of overcoming that. It's the only way out. Period. Full stop. ** p. 129 ===2021=== *Don’t kid yourself into believing that’s why we lost. It’s not. I’ll tell you openly. I'm not wrong. **[https://www.thegatewaypundit.com/2021/08/going-viral-rep-dan-crenshaw-tells-supporters-dont-kid-2020-election-absolutely-not-stolen-election-video-rinoreveal/ 12 August 2021] ===2022=== *This is what happens when angry little boys like @alexstein99 don’t grow up and can’t get girlfriends… **18 June 2022 [https://twitter.com/DanCrenshawTX/status/1538253445181972481 tweet] about [[Alex Stein]] after Stein called Crenshaw a RINO in [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cx07Eg815fs earlier encounter] ==Quotes about Crenshaw== *a super PAC called Conservative Results Matter is going after Republican Dan Crenshaw, calling him an “anti-Trump liberal,” in the two-way GOP runoff to replace retiring Texas Rep. Ted Poe. “‘Insane, hateful, idiot.’ These are the words so-called Republican Dan Crenshaw used to describe President Trump,” the narrator says in a new TV ad from the super PAC. “Crenshaw called Trump an ‘idiot.’” The attack mirrors a Facebook post by Crenshaw’s runoff opponent, state Rep. Kevin Roberts, which cites an old Facebook post of Crenshaw’s and says Crenshaw “openly [attacked] Donald Trump as an ‘idiot,’ ‘insane,’ and ‘ignorant.’” **[https://www.politico.com/story/2018/05/02/trump-republican-primaries-midterms-564181 2 May 2018] *Not only was the SNL blowup a huge boon to Crenshaw’s campaign and public image, but it also totally blotted out any memory of the fact that the former Navy SEAL is linked to far-right conspiracy group “Tea Party,” which popularized the Pizzagate conspiracy. On August 31, Newsweek reported that Crenshaw and four other GOP nominees were or had been administrators on a popular Facebook group that bolstered the 2017 Unite the Right rally in Charlottesville, pushed Pizzagate, and provided a comfortable home for racist chit-chat.<br>When Newsweek contacted Crenshaw about the group he was listed as an administrator and had posted two of his campaign movies to the group, Crenshaw told the publication he’d “never actively managed or interacted with that page.” He then removed himself from the group. **12 November 2018 [https://forward.com/schmooze/414067/new-gop-rep-buries-hatchet-with-pete-davidson-on-snl-distracting-from-link/ Jenny Singer of The Forward] == External links == {{Wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Crenshaw, Dan}} [[Category:Members of the United States House of Representatives]] [[Category:1984 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:People from Texas]] [[Category:Members of the Republican Party (United States)]] [[Category:Military leaders from the United States]] [[Category:People from Scotland]] 7civlibifqwuoetf9piedqkry6rlxxx 3153109 3153101 2022-08-10T02:23:32Z AC9016 2870313 /* Fortitude (2020) */ wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Dan Crenshaw, official portrait, 116th Congress 2.jpg|thumb| Living with duty means having a duty to those who aren't able to complete their mission because they would want you to keep going. They would want you to live life with a purpose. That's a message for civilians; that's a message for veterans.]] '''[[w:Dan Crenshaw|Daniel Crenshaw]]''' (born March 14, 1984) is an American politician who is the [[w:United States House of Representatives|U.S. Representative]]-elect for [[w:Texas's 2nd congressional district|Texas's 2nd congressional district]]. A member of the [[w:Republican Party (United States)|Republican Party]], he is a former [[w:United States Navy SEALs|Navy SEAL]] officer. He was elected in the [[w:United States House of Representatives elections in Texas, 2018|2018 election]]. [[File:Galveston Island Park Beach Sand Castle (5984947488).jpg|thumb|It is quite the challenge to examine your own attributes, your failings, and then attempt to extract the lessons from your past that make you who you are today. This book is largely a product of that journey.]] [[File:A seal during the sun set.jpg|thumb|The ability to deal with adversity, to accept pain, to be calm under pressure- these are the traits we look for. Some can be taught, much is innate.]] [[File:Bronze Star Medal pinned on Navy SEAL.jpg|thumb|If you want to be a person who doesn't freak out just because you're scared or whatever else you're doing, then decide to be that person. Every time you fall short of that goal, look back on that situation and tell yourself you're going to do better next time. Eventually you will.]] ==Quotes== ===2018=== *As a long-time supporter of Israel, I will ensure that our alliance does not waver, and that America continues to support Israeli security, advocate for her on the international stage, and contain the threat from Iran and terrorism across the region. **[https://crenshawforcongress.com/supporting-our-israeli-allies/ 19 April 2018 or earlier] *Israel is our most important ally in the Middle East. We must always stand with Israel. **[https://twitter.com/DanCrenshawTX/status/987001162896433152 19 April 2018] *I've always supported President Trump, I didn't always support candidate Trump. **[https://freebeacon.com/politics/super-pac-whitewashes-former-seals-battle-wound-attack-ad/ 9 May 2018] *I always ask the question, like what? You know, like what is he undermining exactly? You know what – what democratic freedoms have been undermined? We just had an election where we switched power in the House. Democracy is at work. People are voting in record numbers. **19 November 2018 on CBS "Face the Nation", reported on by [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zLZaKMdObVI&t=1m Fox] and [https://townhall.com/tipsheet/cortneyobrien/2018/11/19/dan-crenshaw-face-the-nation-n2536177 Town Hall] ===2019=== *Tonight I voted no on the spending bill. Here’s why:<br>I reluctantly voted against this bill,<br>There are many things to like in this bill and many examples of good-faith compromises. But this vote was about the border security debate, an issue which shouldn't be debatable in the first place. There are approximately 400,000 illegal immigrants apprehended while crossing our border each year, and this bill does not take the necessary steps to fix the problem. This issue is not about who wins arbitrary political battles; it's about the security and sovereignty of our nation. When will we start taking it seriously and finally give our border agents the resources they've requested? **[https://twitter.com/RepDanCrenshaw/status/1096249589101924353 14 February 2019] ===2020=== ==== ''Fortitude'' (2020) ==== :<small>''Fortitude: American Resilience in the Era of Outrage'' (2020). New York: Twelve Books. First edition April 2020.</small> * My mother spent half a decade staring death in the face, burdened with caring for two small boys whom she would not live to see grow up. She lived day to day in ever-increasing pain. The cancer afflicted her- and the cancer treatments afflicted her, too. Six rounds of chemotherapy on top of radiation treatments are a brutal experience for even the strongest constitution. Self-pity is never a useful state. But if anyone had reason to feel sorry for herself, and to complain a bit, it was my mom. She never did. ** p. 22-23 * A little perspective can be the difference between spiraling into dark despair and clawing your way back to the light. A brave young woman fought through despair twenty years before, which meant I could do it now, suffering in darkness in a sterile hospital room in Germany. So when the doctors told me I had virtually no chance of seeing ever again, I just heard one thing: ''Virtually''. ** p. 23 * As my career progressed, I took note of the leaders I respected. I thought about their actions, their manner of speaking, their habits. I noticed the way they incorporated humor to give a successful briefing, interacted gracefully with their subordinates, and thought creatively about tactical situations. I observed how some leaders would react too emotionally in tense situations, and how the team reacted as a result. Calm breeds calm, and panic breeds panic. Were these great leaders the fastest or the strongest? The best shooters? Not always. The qualities that made SEAL leaders great were rarely physical in nature. They listened. They empowered their team to be successful, carefully entrusting individuals with additional responsibility. They highlighted good performance publicly and criticized bad performance privately. They didn't waste their men's time. They were prepared and thoughtful with mission planning. They were articulate but also genuine. They came across as real people with humor and emotions instead of just robotic military men. ** p. 46 * The question is: How do we become the heroes we want to be? My answer: Sanctioned intellectual property theft, that's how. No one has a patent on good habits. You can steal them. Identify your heroes, and emulate the character traits that make them more successful than you currently are. ** p. 49 * Details matter. Ignoring them can be the difference between success and failure. ** p. 114 * In combat, attention to detail is the barrier between life and death. We generally don't like death, so we pay attention to details. We also don't like failure. We don't like failing in our mission and we don't like failing the people who are relying on us. Ignoring the small stuff leads to both of those unenviable failures. ** p. 115 * A favorite memory of many veterans is their time sitting around grumbling incessantly about their circumstances with their teammates. I have to admit that we do this ''way'' more than the average group of people. It's like a continuous group therapy project. When the guys stop complaining, leadership starts to worry. What's wrong with them? Are they depressed? Something wrong at home? The reality is that in these high-performing environments, where everyone is a perfectionist and overachiever, people like to point out deficiencies in the most over-the-top fashion, usually with a side of sarcastic and cutting humor. The good news is that they also aspire to fix those problems. Or maybe we are just a bunch of divas. I don't know. Maybe it's both. ** p. 123 * Writing this book was the first time I thought deeply about the lessons I'd derived from the SEAL teams, and life in general. '''It is quite the challenge to examine your own attributes, your failings, and then attempt to extract the lessons from your past that make you who you are today. This book is largely a product of that journey.''' ** p. 245 * Some of my most important edits came from my wife, Tara, who knows me best. She is my rock and is responsible for the confidence I have today. She stuck with me through the worst of times, and she understands the lesson of fortitude better than anyone. She is also the first to tell me when I don't live up to those lessons. Thank you, Mom, for being the first to show me a true hero. You are the embodiment of fortitude, and my brother and I have spent our lives trying to live up to your memory. This book is for you. ** p. 247 ==== ''Modern Warriors'' (2020) interview ==== :<small>''Modern Warriors: Real Stories From Real Heroes'' by Pete Hegseth. New York: HarperCollins Publishers. First edition November 2020.</small> * '''The ability to deal with adversity, to accept pain, to be calm under pressure- these are the traits we look for. Some can be taught, much is innate.''' ** p. 115 * As bad as I had it, lots of people have had it worse than me. Lots of others had made the ultimate sacrifice. I've got the initials of eight of those guys tattooed on my chest. So even when you're lying bleeding on the ground, unable to see much of anything, and later totally facedown in a bed for six weeks, you know what? Your buddies don't even get to have that chance because they're dead. That sounds morbid, but it's true. It should toughen your spine a little bit and make you feel grateful for being here at all. Too many people don't show gratitude for the new mission that they might have. They complain. They complain about the Veterans Administration. They complain about their disability payments. They complain about their lack of opportunity. Well, your buddies don't get to complain at all, and I think they would be grateful for anything. '''Living with duty means having a duty to those who aren't able to complete their mission because they would want you to keep going. They would want you to live life with a purpose. That's a message for civilians; that's a message for veterans.''' ** p. 118-119 * Everybody I knew who became a SEAL wanted to be one for a long time. You wanted this. You knew that you were, or wanted to be, an outside-the-box thinker, a sort of renegade or rebel, but also a strictly disciplined soldier. So you became that before you got to BUD/S (basic underwater demolition/SEAL training). BUD/S just made you prove it and then trained you to harness that. You learn how to exist in two different mental states: those of an ultra-aggressive combatant and a chivalrous gentleman. And you can instantaneously transition between the two. That's a warrior. ** p. 120 * In BUD/S the failures are more surprising than the successes. A lot of times, the most athletic, the fittest, the physically strongest candidates were the ones who quit. They should have been able to just crush it, but they didn't. Part of that is because they spent too much time on physical preparation and not enough on mental preparation. They believed that becasue of their physicality, their athleticism, they wouldn't be so surprised when faced with immediate failure. Those failures happen so fast in BUD/S. Your body fails constantly. That's what the program is designed to do to you. It is not physically possible to do everything that is being demanded of you. So you break down; you can't do every repetition of every exercise. We called them beatdowns for a reason. The instructors want us to break down and run away with our tail between our legs. They keep pressing us to go on, even after you thought that the activity was over. That happens to you over and over again. Your muscles fail you. And the instructors understand that difference between quitting- a failure of the will- and failing- your body giving out when you have already pushed yourself past what you once perceived as your limit. They respect that you hung in there long enough to truly fail. That's probably why you see so much anxiety and increasing suicide in our larger society. We have the most comfortable society the world has ever known. And that's good; I'm glad we do. But it's also made some people weak, and they break down when confronted with suffering. '''If you want to be a person who doesn't freak out just because you're scared or whatever else you're doing, then decide to be that person. Every time you fall short of that goal, look back on that situation and tell yourself you're going to do better next time. Eventually you will.''' ** p. 121 * Politics is the social manifestation of a set of policies. When I speak to kids, I let them know that there's a crucial difference between politics and policy. If you want to go into politics, then you have to be a representative of other people. To do that, you have to be able to communicate well. So before you decide to run for office, you have to ask yourself a few questions: Do you care about just one policy or issue? Are you good at communicating? Are you able to frame and win an argument? What are you good at? I don't think that all elected officials or candidates think through answers to these, and lots of candidates don't win because they quit on that notion of self-examination. For me, politics happened overnight when an opportunity presented itself. Because the military makes you think you have to be uber-prepared for everything, I thought that maybe I'd have a seat in about ten years. We did it in three months. ** p. 125 * It's up to us as consumers of information to be smarter, to take control. The only way a problem gets fixed is if you fix it as an individual. Don't just read to confirm your own preconceived bias. Do your research. Wait to form an opinion. You do no harm when you say you don't know and you don't have an opinion. There's no shame in that. There's a lot of shame in having a strong opinion with no facts. Too many people are very quick to feel a truth. You can't feel a truth. You can have feelings, but don't pretend that your feelings are what matter the most. Don't let your feelings drive your reality. A lot of people, veterans and civilians, fall victim to victimhood. They feel like they are victims. What are you doing, then? You're removing power from yourself. Now you're letting somebody else have control over you. That's a terrible existence. Even if you were really unfairly treated, you have to tell yourself a story of overcoming that. It's the only way out. Period. Full stop. ** p. 129 ===2021=== *Don’t kid yourself into believing that’s why we lost. It’s not. I’ll tell you openly. I'm not wrong. **[https://www.thegatewaypundit.com/2021/08/going-viral-rep-dan-crenshaw-tells-supporters-dont-kid-2020-election-absolutely-not-stolen-election-video-rinoreveal/ 12 August 2021] ===2022=== *This is what happens when angry little boys like @alexstein99 don’t grow up and can’t get girlfriends… **18 June 2022 [https://twitter.com/DanCrenshawTX/status/1538253445181972481 tweet] about [[Alex Stein]] after Stein called Crenshaw a RINO in [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cx07Eg815fs earlier encounter] ==Quotes about Crenshaw== *a super PAC called Conservative Results Matter is going after Republican Dan Crenshaw, calling him an “anti-Trump liberal,” in the two-way GOP runoff to replace retiring Texas Rep. Ted Poe. “‘Insane, hateful, idiot.’ These are the words so-called Republican Dan Crenshaw used to describe President Trump,” the narrator says in a new TV ad from the super PAC. “Crenshaw called Trump an ‘idiot.’” The attack mirrors a Facebook post by Crenshaw’s runoff opponent, state Rep. Kevin Roberts, which cites an old Facebook post of Crenshaw’s and says Crenshaw “openly [attacked] Donald Trump as an ‘idiot,’ ‘insane,’ and ‘ignorant.’” **[https://www.politico.com/story/2018/05/02/trump-republican-primaries-midterms-564181 2 May 2018] *Not only was the SNL blowup a huge boon to Crenshaw’s campaign and public image, but it also totally blotted out any memory of the fact that the former Navy SEAL is linked to far-right conspiracy group “Tea Party,” which popularized the Pizzagate conspiracy. On August 31, Newsweek reported that Crenshaw and four other GOP nominees were or had been administrators on a popular Facebook group that bolstered the 2017 Unite the Right rally in Charlottesville, pushed Pizzagate, and provided a comfortable home for racist chit-chat.<br>When Newsweek contacted Crenshaw about the group he was listed as an administrator and had posted two of his campaign movies to the group, Crenshaw told the publication he’d “never actively managed or interacted with that page.” He then removed himself from the group. **12 November 2018 [https://forward.com/schmooze/414067/new-gop-rep-buries-hatchet-with-pete-davidson-on-snl-distracting-from-link/ Jenny Singer of The Forward] == External links == {{Wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Crenshaw, Dan}} [[Category:Members of the United States House of Representatives]] [[Category:1984 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:People from Texas]] [[Category:Members of the Republican Party (United States)]] [[Category:Military leaders from the United States]] [[Category:People from Scotland]] e1ds7i3f7bbs086t1megin6kd8u69eh 3153110 3153109 2022-08-10T02:29:30Z AC9016 2870313 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Dan Crenshaw, official portrait, 116th Congress 2.jpg|thumb| Living with duty means having a duty to those who aren't able to complete their mission because they would want you to keep going. They would want you to live life with a purpose. That's a message for civilians; that's a message for veterans.]] '''[[w:Dan Crenshaw|Daniel Crenshaw]]''' (born March 14, 1984) is an American politician who is the [[w:United States House of Representatives|U.S. Representative]]-elect for [[w:Texas's 2nd congressional district|Texas's 2nd congressional district]]. A member of the [[w:Republican Party (United States)|Republican Party]], he is a former [[w:United States Navy SEALs|Navy SEAL]] officer. He was elected in the [[w:United States House of Representatives elections in Texas, 2018|2018 election]]. [[File:Galveston Island Park Beach Sand Castle (5984947488).jpg|thumb|It is quite the challenge to examine your own attributes, your failings, and then attempt to extract the lessons from your past that make you who you are today. This book is largely a product of that journey.]] [[File:US Navy 031114-N-5862D-012 Officer Candidates stand at attention.jpg|thumb|You ever wonder why we are always doing inspections in the military? Why do we obsess over perfect creases, shiny shoes, and crisply made beds? It's simple: If you can't get the small stuff right, you won't get the big stuff right. If you ignore the relatively unimportant details, then you are more likely to ignore the very important details, the stuff that actually counts. This is true of running a town, a city, or a country, but also for running your own life.]] [[File:A seal during the sun set.jpg|thumb|The ability to deal with adversity, to accept pain, to be calm under pressure- these are the traits we look for. Some can be taught, much is innate.]] [[File:Bronze Star Medal pinned on Navy SEAL.jpg|thumb|If you want to be a person who doesn't freak out just because you're scared or whatever else you're doing, then decide to be that person. Every time you fall short of that goal, look back on that situation and tell yourself you're going to do better next time. Eventually you will.]] ==Quotes== ===2018=== *As a long-time supporter of Israel, I will ensure that our alliance does not waver, and that America continues to support Israeli security, advocate for her on the international stage, and contain the threat from Iran and terrorism across the region. **[https://crenshawforcongress.com/supporting-our-israeli-allies/ 19 April 2018 or earlier] *Israel is our most important ally in the Middle East. We must always stand with Israel. **[https://twitter.com/DanCrenshawTX/status/987001162896433152 19 April 2018] *I've always supported President Trump, I didn't always support candidate Trump. **[https://freebeacon.com/politics/super-pac-whitewashes-former-seals-battle-wound-attack-ad/ 9 May 2018] *I always ask the question, like what? You know, like what is he undermining exactly? You know what – what democratic freedoms have been undermined? We just had an election where we switched power in the House. Democracy is at work. People are voting in record numbers. **19 November 2018 on CBS "Face the Nation", reported on by [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zLZaKMdObVI&t=1m Fox] and [https://townhall.com/tipsheet/cortneyobrien/2018/11/19/dan-crenshaw-face-the-nation-n2536177 Town Hall] ===2019=== *Tonight I voted no on the spending bill. Here’s why:<br>I reluctantly voted against this bill,<br>There are many things to like in this bill and many examples of good-faith compromises. But this vote was about the border security debate, an issue which shouldn't be debatable in the first place. There are approximately 400,000 illegal immigrants apprehended while crossing our border each year, and this bill does not take the necessary steps to fix the problem. This issue is not about who wins arbitrary political battles; it's about the security and sovereignty of our nation. When will we start taking it seriously and finally give our border agents the resources they've requested? **[https://twitter.com/RepDanCrenshaw/status/1096249589101924353 14 February 2019] ===2020=== ==== ''Fortitude'' (2020) ==== :<small>''Fortitude: American Resilience in the Era of Outrage'' (2020). New York: Twelve Books. First edition April 2020.</small> * My mother spent half a decade staring death in the face, burdened with caring for two small boys whom she would not live to see grow up. She lived day to day in ever-increasing pain. The cancer afflicted her- and the cancer treatments afflicted her, too. Six rounds of chemotherapy on top of radiation treatments are a brutal experience for even the strongest constitution. Self-pity is never a useful state. But if anyone had reason to feel sorry for herself, and to complain a bit, it was my mom. She never did. ** p. 22-23 * A little perspective can be the difference between spiraling into dark despair and clawing your way back to the light. A brave young woman fought through despair twenty years before, which meant I could do it now, suffering in darkness in a sterile hospital room in Germany. So when the doctors told me I had virtually no chance of seeing ever again, I just heard one thing: ''Virtually''. ** p. 23 * As my career progressed, I took note of the leaders I respected. I thought about their actions, their manner of speaking, their habits. I noticed the way they incorporated humor to give a successful briefing, interacted gracefully with their subordinates, and thought creatively about tactical situations. I observed how some leaders would react too emotionally in tense situations, and how the team reacted as a result. Calm breeds calm, and panic breeds panic. Were these great leaders the fastest or the strongest? The best shooters? Not always. The qualities that made SEAL leaders great were rarely physical in nature. They listened. They empowered their team to be successful, carefully entrusting individuals with additional responsibility. They highlighted good performance publicly and criticized bad performance privately. They didn't waste their men's time. They were prepared and thoughtful with mission planning. They were articulate but also genuine. They came across as real people with humor and emotions instead of just robotic military men. ** p. 46 * The question is: How do we become the heroes we want to be? My answer: Sanctioned intellectual property theft, that's how. No one has a patent on good habits. You can steal them. Identify your heroes, and emulate the character traits that make them more successful than you currently are. ** p. 49 * Details matter. Ignoring them can be the difference between success and failure. ** p. 114 * In combat, attention to detail is the barrier between life and death. We generally don't like death, so we pay attention to details. We also don't like failure. We don't like failing in our mission and we don't like failing the people who are relying on us. Ignoring the small stuff leads to both of those unenviable failures. ** p. 115 * '''You ever wonder why we are always doing inspections in the military? Why do we obsess over perfect creases, shiny shoes, and crisply made beds? It's simple: If you can't get the small stuff right, you won't get the big stuff right. If you ignore the relatively unimportant details, then you are more likely to ignore the very important details, the stuff that actually counts. This is true of running a town, a city, or a country, but also for running your own life.''' ** p. 116 * A favorite memory of many veterans is their time sitting around grumbling incessantly about their circumstances with their teammates. I have to admit that we do this ''way'' more than the average group of people. It's like a continuous group therapy project. When the guys stop complaining, leadership starts to worry. What's wrong with them? Are they depressed? Something wrong at home? The reality is that in these high-performing environments, where everyone is a perfectionist and overachiever, people like to point out deficiencies in the most over-the-top fashion, usually with a side of sarcastic and cutting humor. The good news is that they also aspire to fix those problems. Or maybe we are just a bunch of divas. I don't know. Maybe it's both. ** p. 123 * Writing this book was the first time I thought deeply about the lessons I'd derived from the SEAL teams, and life in general. '''It is quite the challenge to examine your own attributes, your failings, and then attempt to extract the lessons from your past that make you who you are today. This book is largely a product of that journey.''' ** p. 245 * Some of my most important edits came from my wife, Tara, who knows me best. She is my rock and is responsible for the confidence I have today. She stuck with me through the worst of times, and she understands the lesson of fortitude better than anyone. She is also the first to tell me when I don't live up to those lessons. Thank you, Mom, for being the first to show me a true hero. You are the embodiment of fortitude, and my brother and I have spent our lives trying to live up to your memory. This book is for you. ** p. 247 ==== ''Modern Warriors'' (2020) interview ==== :<small>''Modern Warriors: Real Stories From Real Heroes'' by Pete Hegseth. New York: HarperCollins Publishers. First edition November 2020.</small> * '''The ability to deal with adversity, to accept pain, to be calm under pressure- these are the traits we look for. Some can be taught, much is innate.''' ** p. 115 * As bad as I had it, lots of people have had it worse than me. Lots of others had made the ultimate sacrifice. I've got the initials of eight of those guys tattooed on my chest. So even when you're lying bleeding on the ground, unable to see much of anything, and later totally facedown in a bed for six weeks, you know what? Your buddies don't even get to have that chance because they're dead. That sounds morbid, but it's true. It should toughen your spine a little bit and make you feel grateful for being here at all. Too many people don't show gratitude for the new mission that they might have. They complain. They complain about the Veterans Administration. They complain about their disability payments. They complain about their lack of opportunity. Well, your buddies don't get to complain at all, and I think they would be grateful for anything. '''Living with duty means having a duty to those who aren't able to complete their mission because they would want you to keep going. They would want you to live life with a purpose. That's a message for civilians; that's a message for veterans.''' ** p. 118-119 * Everybody I knew who became a SEAL wanted to be one for a long time. You wanted this. You knew that you were, or wanted to be, an outside-the-box thinker, a sort of renegade or rebel, but also a strictly disciplined soldier. So you became that before you got to BUD/S (basic underwater demolition/SEAL training). BUD/S just made you prove it and then trained you to harness that. You learn how to exist in two different mental states: those of an ultra-aggressive combatant and a chivalrous gentleman. And you can instantaneously transition between the two. That's a warrior. ** p. 120 * In BUD/S the failures are more surprising than the successes. A lot of times, the most athletic, the fittest, the physically strongest candidates were the ones who quit. They should have been able to just crush it, but they didn't. Part of that is because they spent too much time on physical preparation and not enough on mental preparation. They believed that becasue of their physicality, their athleticism, they wouldn't be so surprised when faced with immediate failure. Those failures happen so fast in BUD/S. Your body fails constantly. That's what the program is designed to do to you. It is not physically possible to do everything that is being demanded of you. So you break down; you can't do every repetition of every exercise. We called them beatdowns for a reason. The instructors want us to break down and run away with our tail between our legs. They keep pressing us to go on, even after you thought that the activity was over. That happens to you over and over again. Your muscles fail you. And the instructors understand that difference between quitting- a failure of the will- and failing- your body giving out when you have already pushed yourself past what you once perceived as your limit. They respect that you hung in there long enough to truly fail. That's probably why you see so much anxiety and increasing suicide in our larger society. We have the most comfortable society the world has ever known. And that's good; I'm glad we do. But it's also made some people weak, and they break down when confronted with suffering. '''If you want to be a person who doesn't freak out just because you're scared or whatever else you're doing, then decide to be that person. Every time you fall short of that goal, look back on that situation and tell yourself you're going to do better next time. Eventually you will.''' ** p. 121 * Politics is the social manifestation of a set of policies. When I speak to kids, I let them know that there's a crucial difference between politics and policy. If you want to go into politics, then you have to be a representative of other people. To do that, you have to be able to communicate well. So before you decide to run for office, you have to ask yourself a few questions: Do you care about just one policy or issue? Are you good at communicating? Are you able to frame and win an argument? What are you good at? I don't think that all elected officials or candidates think through answers to these, and lots of candidates don't win because they quit on that notion of self-examination. For me, politics happened overnight when an opportunity presented itself. Because the military makes you think you have to be uber-prepared for everything, I thought that maybe I'd have a seat in about ten years. We did it in three months. ** p. 125 * It's up to us as consumers of information to be smarter, to take control. The only way a problem gets fixed is if you fix it as an individual. Don't just read to confirm your own preconceived bias. Do your research. Wait to form an opinion. You do no harm when you say you don't know and you don't have an opinion. There's no shame in that. There's a lot of shame in having a strong opinion with no facts. Too many people are very quick to feel a truth. You can't feel a truth. You can have feelings, but don't pretend that your feelings are what matter the most. Don't let your feelings drive your reality. A lot of people, veterans and civilians, fall victim to victimhood. They feel like they are victims. What are you doing, then? You're removing power from yourself. Now you're letting somebody else have control over you. That's a terrible existence. Even if you were really unfairly treated, you have to tell yourself a story of overcoming that. It's the only way out. Period. Full stop. ** p. 129 ===2021=== *Don’t kid yourself into believing that’s why we lost. It’s not. I’ll tell you openly. I'm not wrong. **[https://www.thegatewaypundit.com/2021/08/going-viral-rep-dan-crenshaw-tells-supporters-dont-kid-2020-election-absolutely-not-stolen-election-video-rinoreveal/ 12 August 2021] ===2022=== *This is what happens when angry little boys like @alexstein99 don’t grow up and can’t get girlfriends… **18 June 2022 [https://twitter.com/DanCrenshawTX/status/1538253445181972481 tweet] about [[Alex Stein]] after Stein called Crenshaw a RINO in [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cx07Eg815fs earlier encounter] ==Quotes about Crenshaw== *a super PAC called Conservative Results Matter is going after Republican Dan Crenshaw, calling him an “anti-Trump liberal,” in the two-way GOP runoff to replace retiring Texas Rep. Ted Poe. “‘Insane, hateful, idiot.’ These are the words so-called Republican Dan Crenshaw used to describe President Trump,” the narrator says in a new TV ad from the super PAC. “Crenshaw called Trump an ‘idiot.’” The attack mirrors a Facebook post by Crenshaw’s runoff opponent, state Rep. Kevin Roberts, which cites an old Facebook post of Crenshaw’s and says Crenshaw “openly [attacked] Donald Trump as an ‘idiot,’ ‘insane,’ and ‘ignorant.’” **[https://www.politico.com/story/2018/05/02/trump-republican-primaries-midterms-564181 2 May 2018] *Not only was the SNL blowup a huge boon to Crenshaw’s campaign and public image, but it also totally blotted out any memory of the fact that the former Navy SEAL is linked to far-right conspiracy group “Tea Party,” which popularized the Pizzagate conspiracy. On August 31, Newsweek reported that Crenshaw and four other GOP nominees were or had been administrators on a popular Facebook group that bolstered the 2017 Unite the Right rally in Charlottesville, pushed Pizzagate, and provided a comfortable home for racist chit-chat.<br>When Newsweek contacted Crenshaw about the group he was listed as an administrator and had posted two of his campaign movies to the group, Crenshaw told the publication he’d “never actively managed or interacted with that page.” He then removed himself from the group. **12 November 2018 [https://forward.com/schmooze/414067/new-gop-rep-buries-hatchet-with-pete-davidson-on-snl-distracting-from-link/ Jenny Singer of The Forward] == External links == {{Wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Crenshaw, Dan}} [[Category:Members of the United States House of Representatives]] [[Category:1984 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:People from Texas]] [[Category:Members of the Republican Party (United States)]] [[Category:Military leaders from the United States]] [[Category:People from Scotland]] 57dahyjibkmq0hcp54lr4qu7x6f7oak 3153113 3153110 2022-08-10T02:35:13Z AC9016 2870313 /* Fortitude (2020) */ wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Dan Crenshaw, official portrait, 116th Congress 2.jpg|thumb| Living with duty means having a duty to those who aren't able to complete their mission because they would want you to keep going. They would want you to live life with a purpose. That's a message for civilians; that's a message for veterans.]] '''[[w:Dan Crenshaw|Daniel Crenshaw]]''' (born March 14, 1984) is an American politician who is the [[w:United States House of Representatives|U.S. Representative]]-elect for [[w:Texas's 2nd congressional district|Texas's 2nd congressional district]]. A member of the [[w:Republican Party (United States)|Republican Party]], he is a former [[w:United States Navy SEALs|Navy SEAL]] officer. He was elected in the [[w:United States House of Representatives elections in Texas, 2018|2018 election]]. [[File:Galveston Island Park Beach Sand Castle (5984947488).jpg|thumb|It is quite the challenge to examine your own attributes, your failings, and then attempt to extract the lessons from your past that make you who you are today. This book is largely a product of that journey.]] [[File:US Navy 031114-N-5862D-012 Officer Candidates stand at attention.jpg|thumb|You ever wonder why we are always doing inspections in the military? Why do we obsess over perfect creases, shiny shoes, and crisply made beds? It's simple: If you can't get the small stuff right, you won't get the big stuff right. If you ignore the relatively unimportant details, then you are more likely to ignore the very important details, the stuff that actually counts. This is true of running a town, a city, or a country, but also for running your own life.]] [[File:A seal during the sun set.jpg|thumb|The ability to deal with adversity, to accept pain, to be calm under pressure- these are the traits we look for. Some can be taught, much is innate.]] [[File:Bronze Star Medal pinned on Navy SEAL.jpg|thumb|If you want to be a person who doesn't freak out just because you're scared or whatever else you're doing, then decide to be that person. Every time you fall short of that goal, look back on that situation and tell yourself you're going to do better next time. Eventually you will.]] ==Quotes== ===2018=== *As a long-time supporter of Israel, I will ensure that our alliance does not waver, and that America continues to support Israeli security, advocate for her on the international stage, and contain the threat from Iran and terrorism across the region. **[https://crenshawforcongress.com/supporting-our-israeli-allies/ 19 April 2018 or earlier] *Israel is our most important ally in the Middle East. We must always stand with Israel. **[https://twitter.com/DanCrenshawTX/status/987001162896433152 19 April 2018] *I've always supported President Trump, I didn't always support candidate Trump. **[https://freebeacon.com/politics/super-pac-whitewashes-former-seals-battle-wound-attack-ad/ 9 May 2018] *I always ask the question, like what? You know, like what is he undermining exactly? You know what – what democratic freedoms have been undermined? We just had an election where we switched power in the House. Democracy is at work. People are voting in record numbers. **19 November 2018 on CBS "Face the Nation", reported on by [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zLZaKMdObVI&t=1m Fox] and [https://townhall.com/tipsheet/cortneyobrien/2018/11/19/dan-crenshaw-face-the-nation-n2536177 Town Hall] ===2019=== *Tonight I voted no on the spending bill. Here’s why:<br>I reluctantly voted against this bill,<br>There are many things to like in this bill and many examples of good-faith compromises. But this vote was about the border security debate, an issue which shouldn't be debatable in the first place. There are approximately 400,000 illegal immigrants apprehended while crossing our border each year, and this bill does not take the necessary steps to fix the problem. This issue is not about who wins arbitrary political battles; it's about the security and sovereignty of our nation. When will we start taking it seriously and finally give our border agents the resources they've requested? **[https://twitter.com/RepDanCrenshaw/status/1096249589101924353 14 February 2019] ===2020=== ==== ''Fortitude'' (2020) ==== :<small>''Fortitude: American Resilience in the Era of Outrage'' (2020). New York: Twelve Books. First edition April 2020.</small> * I recognize my corpsman's voice, as he works on my wounds.<br>I say, '''"Dude, don't get blown up. It sucks."'''<br>He laughs and tells me to shut up. ** p. 20 * My mother spent half a decade staring death in the face, burdened with caring for two small boys whom she would not live to see grow up. She lived day to day in ever-increasing pain. The cancer afflicted her- and the cancer treatments afflicted her, too. Six rounds of chemotherapy on top of radiation treatments are a brutal experience for even the strongest constitution. Self-pity is never a useful state. But if anyone had reason to feel sorry for herself, and to complain a bit, it was my mom. She never did. ** p. 22-23 * A little perspective can be the difference between spiraling into dark despair and clawing your way back to the light. A brave young woman fought through despair twenty years before, which meant I could do it now, suffering in darkness in a sterile hospital room in Germany. So when the doctors told me I had virtually no chance of seeing ever again, I just heard one thing: ''Virtually''. ** p. 23 * As my career progressed, I took note of the leaders I respected. I thought about their actions, their manner of speaking, their habits. I noticed the way they incorporated humor to give a successful briefing, interacted gracefully with their subordinates, and thought creatively about tactical situations. I observed how some leaders would react too emotionally in tense situations, and how the team reacted as a result. Calm breeds calm, and panic breeds panic. Were these great leaders the fastest or the strongest? The best shooters? Not always. The qualities that made SEAL leaders great were rarely physical in nature. They listened. They empowered their team to be successful, carefully entrusting individuals with additional responsibility. They highlighted good performance publicly and criticized bad performance privately. They didn't waste their men's time. They were prepared and thoughtful with mission planning. They were articulate but also genuine. They came across as real people with humor and emotions instead of just robotic military men. ** p. 46 * The question is: How do we become the heroes we want to be? My answer: Sanctioned intellectual property theft, that's how. No one has a patent on good habits. You can steal them. Identify your heroes, and emulate the character traits that make them more successful than you currently are. ** p. 49 * Details matter. Ignoring them can be the difference between success and failure. ** p. 114 * In combat, attention to detail is the barrier between life and death. We generally don't like death, so we pay attention to details. We also don't like failure. We don't like failing in our mission and we don't like failing the people who are relying on us. Ignoring the small stuff leads to both of those unenviable failures. ** p. 115 * '''You ever wonder why we are always doing inspections in the military? Why do we obsess over perfect creases, shiny shoes, and crisply made beds? It's simple: If you can't get the small stuff right, you won't get the big stuff right. If you ignore the relatively unimportant details, then you are more likely to ignore the very important details, the stuff that actually counts. This is true of running a town, a city, or a country, but also for running your own life.''' ** p. 116 * A favorite memory of many veterans is their time sitting around grumbling incessantly about their circumstances with their teammates. I have to admit that we do this ''way'' more than the average group of people. It's like a continuous group therapy project. When the guys stop complaining, leadership starts to worry. What's wrong with them? Are they depressed? Something wrong at home? The reality is that in these high-performing environments, where everyone is a perfectionist and overachiever, people like to point out deficiencies in the most over-the-top fashion, usually with a side of sarcastic and cutting humor. The good news is that they also aspire to fix those problems. Or maybe we are just a bunch of divas. I don't know. Maybe it's both. ** p. 123 * Writing this book was the first time I thought deeply about the lessons I'd derived from the SEAL teams, and life in general. '''It is quite the challenge to examine your own attributes, your failings, and then attempt to extract the lessons from your past that make you who you are today. This book is largely a product of that journey.''' ** p. 245 * Some of my most important edits came from my wife, Tara, who knows me best. She is my rock and is responsible for the confidence I have today. She stuck with me through the worst of times, and she understands the lesson of fortitude better than anyone. She is also the first to tell me when I don't live up to those lessons. Thank you, Mom, for being the first to show me a true hero. You are the embodiment of fortitude, and my brother and I have spent our lives trying to live up to your memory. This book is for you. ** p. 247 ==== ''Modern Warriors'' (2020) interview ==== :<small>''Modern Warriors: Real Stories From Real Heroes'' by Pete Hegseth. New York: HarperCollins Publishers. First edition November 2020.</small> * '''The ability to deal with adversity, to accept pain, to be calm under pressure- these are the traits we look for. Some can be taught, much is innate.''' ** p. 115 * As bad as I had it, lots of people have had it worse than me. Lots of others had made the ultimate sacrifice. I've got the initials of eight of those guys tattooed on my chest. So even when you're lying bleeding on the ground, unable to see much of anything, and later totally facedown in a bed for six weeks, you know what? Your buddies don't even get to have that chance because they're dead. That sounds morbid, but it's true. It should toughen your spine a little bit and make you feel grateful for being here at all. Too many people don't show gratitude for the new mission that they might have. They complain. They complain about the Veterans Administration. They complain about their disability payments. They complain about their lack of opportunity. Well, your buddies don't get to complain at all, and I think they would be grateful for anything. '''Living with duty means having a duty to those who aren't able to complete their mission because they would want you to keep going. They would want you to live life with a purpose. That's a message for civilians; that's a message for veterans.''' ** p. 118-119 * Everybody I knew who became a SEAL wanted to be one for a long time. You wanted this. You knew that you were, or wanted to be, an outside-the-box thinker, a sort of renegade or rebel, but also a strictly disciplined soldier. So you became that before you got to BUD/S (basic underwater demolition/SEAL training). BUD/S just made you prove it and then trained you to harness that. You learn how to exist in two different mental states: those of an ultra-aggressive combatant and a chivalrous gentleman. And you can instantaneously transition between the two. That's a warrior. ** p. 120 * In BUD/S the failures are more surprising than the successes. A lot of times, the most athletic, the fittest, the physically strongest candidates were the ones who quit. They should have been able to just crush it, but they didn't. Part of that is because they spent too much time on physical preparation and not enough on mental preparation. They believed that becasue of their physicality, their athleticism, they wouldn't be so surprised when faced with immediate failure. Those failures happen so fast in BUD/S. Your body fails constantly. That's what the program is designed to do to you. It is not physically possible to do everything that is being demanded of you. So you break down; you can't do every repetition of every exercise. We called them beatdowns for a reason. The instructors want us to break down and run away with our tail between our legs. They keep pressing us to go on, even after you thought that the activity was over. That happens to you over and over again. Your muscles fail you. And the instructors understand that difference between quitting- a failure of the will- and failing- your body giving out when you have already pushed yourself past what you once perceived as your limit. They respect that you hung in there long enough to truly fail. That's probably why you see so much anxiety and increasing suicide in our larger society. We have the most comfortable society the world has ever known. And that's good; I'm glad we do. But it's also made some people weak, and they break down when confronted with suffering. '''If you want to be a person who doesn't freak out just because you're scared or whatever else you're doing, then decide to be that person. Every time you fall short of that goal, look back on that situation and tell yourself you're going to do better next time. Eventually you will.''' ** p. 121 * Politics is the social manifestation of a set of policies. When I speak to kids, I let them know that there's a crucial difference between politics and policy. If you want to go into politics, then you have to be a representative of other people. To do that, you have to be able to communicate well. So before you decide to run for office, you have to ask yourself a few questions: Do you care about just one policy or issue? Are you good at communicating? Are you able to frame and win an argument? What are you good at? I don't think that all elected officials or candidates think through answers to these, and lots of candidates don't win because they quit on that notion of self-examination. For me, politics happened overnight when an opportunity presented itself. Because the military makes you think you have to be uber-prepared for everything, I thought that maybe I'd have a seat in about ten years. We did it in three months. ** p. 125 * It's up to us as consumers of information to be smarter, to take control. The only way a problem gets fixed is if you fix it as an individual. Don't just read to confirm your own preconceived bias. Do your research. Wait to form an opinion. You do no harm when you say you don't know and you don't have an opinion. There's no shame in that. There's a lot of shame in having a strong opinion with no facts. Too many people are very quick to feel a truth. You can't feel a truth. You can have feelings, but don't pretend that your feelings are what matter the most. Don't let your feelings drive your reality. A lot of people, veterans and civilians, fall victim to victimhood. They feel like they are victims. What are you doing, then? You're removing power from yourself. Now you're letting somebody else have control over you. That's a terrible existence. Even if you were really unfairly treated, you have to tell yourself a story of overcoming that. It's the only way out. Period. Full stop. ** p. 129 ===2021=== *Don’t kid yourself into believing that’s why we lost. It’s not. I’ll tell you openly. I'm not wrong. **[https://www.thegatewaypundit.com/2021/08/going-viral-rep-dan-crenshaw-tells-supporters-dont-kid-2020-election-absolutely-not-stolen-election-video-rinoreveal/ 12 August 2021] ===2022=== *This is what happens when angry little boys like @alexstein99 don’t grow up and can’t get girlfriends… **18 June 2022 [https://twitter.com/DanCrenshawTX/status/1538253445181972481 tweet] about [[Alex Stein]] after Stein called Crenshaw a RINO in [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cx07Eg815fs earlier encounter] ==Quotes about Crenshaw== *a super PAC called Conservative Results Matter is going after Republican Dan Crenshaw, calling him an “anti-Trump liberal,” in the two-way GOP runoff to replace retiring Texas Rep. Ted Poe. “‘Insane, hateful, idiot.’ These are the words so-called Republican Dan Crenshaw used to describe President Trump,” the narrator says in a new TV ad from the super PAC. “Crenshaw called Trump an ‘idiot.’” The attack mirrors a Facebook post by Crenshaw’s runoff opponent, state Rep. Kevin Roberts, which cites an old Facebook post of Crenshaw’s and says Crenshaw “openly [attacked] Donald Trump as an ‘idiot,’ ‘insane,’ and ‘ignorant.’” **[https://www.politico.com/story/2018/05/02/trump-republican-primaries-midterms-564181 2 May 2018] *Not only was the SNL blowup a huge boon to Crenshaw’s campaign and public image, but it also totally blotted out any memory of the fact that the former Navy SEAL is linked to far-right conspiracy group “Tea Party,” which popularized the Pizzagate conspiracy. On August 31, Newsweek reported that Crenshaw and four other GOP nominees were or had been administrators on a popular Facebook group that bolstered the 2017 Unite the Right rally in Charlottesville, pushed Pizzagate, and provided a comfortable home for racist chit-chat.<br>When Newsweek contacted Crenshaw about the group he was listed as an administrator and had posted two of his campaign movies to the group, Crenshaw told the publication he’d “never actively managed or interacted with that page.” He then removed himself from the group. **12 November 2018 [https://forward.com/schmooze/414067/new-gop-rep-buries-hatchet-with-pete-davidson-on-snl-distracting-from-link/ Jenny Singer of The Forward] == External links == {{Wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Crenshaw, Dan}} [[Category:Members of the United States House of Representatives]] [[Category:1984 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:People from Texas]] [[Category:Members of the Republican Party (United States)]] [[Category:Military leaders from the United States]] [[Category:People from Scotland]] m426r73m3t7impagb1iuwt072snyii9 3153114 3153113 2022-08-10T02:35:44Z AC9016 2870313 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Dan Crenshaw, official portrait, 116th Congress 2.jpg|thumb| Living with duty means having a duty to those who aren't able to complete their mission because they would want you to keep going. They would want you to live life with a purpose. That's a message for civilians; that's a message for veterans.]] '''[[w:Dan Crenshaw|Daniel Crenshaw]]''' (born March 14, 1984) is an American politician who is the [[w:United States House of Representatives|U.S. Representative]]-elect for [[w:Texas's 2nd congressional district|Texas's 2nd congressional district]]. A member of the [[w:Republican Party (United States)|Republican Party]], he is a former [[w:United States Navy SEALs|Navy SEAL]] officer. He was elected in the [[w:United States House of Representatives elections in Texas, 2018|2018 election]]. [[File:Galveston Island Park Beach Sand Castle (5984947488).jpg|thumb|It is quite the challenge to examine your own attributes, your failings, and then attempt to extract the lessons from your past that make you who you are today. This book is largely a product of that journey.]] [[File:A home away from war, Texas calling all Purple Heart recipients 130201-A-WO769-001.jpg|thumb|Dude, don't get blown up. It sucks.]] [[File:US Navy 031114-N-5862D-012 Officer Candidates stand at attention.jpg|thumb|You ever wonder why we are always doing inspections in the military? Why do we obsess over perfect creases, shiny shoes, and crisply made beds? It's simple: If you can't get the small stuff right, you won't get the big stuff right. If you ignore the relatively unimportant details, then you are more likely to ignore the very important details, the stuff that actually counts. This is true of running a town, a city, or a country, but also for running your own life.]] [[File:A seal during the sun set.jpg|thumb|The ability to deal with adversity, to accept pain, to be calm under pressure- these are the traits we look for. Some can be taught, much is innate.]] [[File:Bronze Star Medal pinned on Navy SEAL.jpg|thumb|If you want to be a person who doesn't freak out just because you're scared or whatever else you're doing, then decide to be that person. Every time you fall short of that goal, look back on that situation and tell yourself you're going to do better next time. Eventually you will.]] ==Quotes== ===2018=== *As a long-time supporter of Israel, I will ensure that our alliance does not waver, and that America continues to support Israeli security, advocate for her on the international stage, and contain the threat from Iran and terrorism across the region. **[https://crenshawforcongress.com/supporting-our-israeli-allies/ 19 April 2018 or earlier] *Israel is our most important ally in the Middle East. We must always stand with Israel. **[https://twitter.com/DanCrenshawTX/status/987001162896433152 19 April 2018] *I've always supported President Trump, I didn't always support candidate Trump. **[https://freebeacon.com/politics/super-pac-whitewashes-former-seals-battle-wound-attack-ad/ 9 May 2018] *I always ask the question, like what? You know, like what is he undermining exactly? You know what – what democratic freedoms have been undermined? We just had an election where we switched power in the House. Democracy is at work. People are voting in record numbers. **19 November 2018 on CBS "Face the Nation", reported on by [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zLZaKMdObVI&t=1m Fox] and [https://townhall.com/tipsheet/cortneyobrien/2018/11/19/dan-crenshaw-face-the-nation-n2536177 Town Hall] ===2019=== *Tonight I voted no on the spending bill. Here’s why:<br>I reluctantly voted against this bill,<br>There are many things to like in this bill and many examples of good-faith compromises. But this vote was about the border security debate, an issue which shouldn't be debatable in the first place. There are approximately 400,000 illegal immigrants apprehended while crossing our border each year, and this bill does not take the necessary steps to fix the problem. This issue is not about who wins arbitrary political battles; it's about the security and sovereignty of our nation. When will we start taking it seriously and finally give our border agents the resources they've requested? **[https://twitter.com/RepDanCrenshaw/status/1096249589101924353 14 February 2019] ===2020=== ==== ''Fortitude'' (2020) ==== :<small>''Fortitude: American Resilience in the Era of Outrage'' (2020). New York: Twelve Books. First edition April 2020.</small> * I recognize my corpsman's voice, as he works on my wounds.<br>I say, '''"Dude, don't get blown up. It sucks."'''<br>He laughs and tells me to shut up. ** p. 20 * My mother spent half a decade staring death in the face, burdened with caring for two small boys whom she would not live to see grow up. She lived day to day in ever-increasing pain. The cancer afflicted her- and the cancer treatments afflicted her, too. Six rounds of chemotherapy on top of radiation treatments are a brutal experience for even the strongest constitution. Self-pity is never a useful state. But if anyone had reason to feel sorry for herself, and to complain a bit, it was my mom. She never did. ** p. 22-23 * A little perspective can be the difference between spiraling into dark despair and clawing your way back to the light. A brave young woman fought through despair twenty years before, which meant I could do it now, suffering in darkness in a sterile hospital room in Germany. So when the doctors told me I had virtually no chance of seeing ever again, I just heard one thing: ''Virtually''. ** p. 23 * As my career progressed, I took note of the leaders I respected. I thought about their actions, their manner of speaking, their habits. I noticed the way they incorporated humor to give a successful briefing, interacted gracefully with their subordinates, and thought creatively about tactical situations. I observed how some leaders would react too emotionally in tense situations, and how the team reacted as a result. Calm breeds calm, and panic breeds panic. Were these great leaders the fastest or the strongest? The best shooters? Not always. The qualities that made SEAL leaders great were rarely physical in nature. They listened. They empowered their team to be successful, carefully entrusting individuals with additional responsibility. They highlighted good performance publicly and criticized bad performance privately. They didn't waste their men's time. They were prepared and thoughtful with mission planning. They were articulate but also genuine. They came across as real people with humor and emotions instead of just robotic military men. ** p. 46 * The question is: How do we become the heroes we want to be? My answer: Sanctioned intellectual property theft, that's how. No one has a patent on good habits. You can steal them. Identify your heroes, and emulate the character traits that make them more successful than you currently are. ** p. 49 * Details matter. Ignoring them can be the difference between success and failure. ** p. 114 * In combat, attention to detail is the barrier between life and death. We generally don't like death, so we pay attention to details. We also don't like failure. We don't like failing in our mission and we don't like failing the people who are relying on us. Ignoring the small stuff leads to both of those unenviable failures. ** p. 115 * '''You ever wonder why we are always doing inspections in the military? Why do we obsess over perfect creases, shiny shoes, and crisply made beds? It's simple: If you can't get the small stuff right, you won't get the big stuff right. If you ignore the relatively unimportant details, then you are more likely to ignore the very important details, the stuff that actually counts. This is true of running a town, a city, or a country, but also for running your own life.''' ** p. 116 * A favorite memory of many veterans is their time sitting around grumbling incessantly about their circumstances with their teammates. I have to admit that we do this ''way'' more than the average group of people. It's like a continuous group therapy project. When the guys stop complaining, leadership starts to worry. What's wrong with them? Are they depressed? Something wrong at home? The reality is that in these high-performing environments, where everyone is a perfectionist and overachiever, people like to point out deficiencies in the most over-the-top fashion, usually with a side of sarcastic and cutting humor. The good news is that they also aspire to fix those problems. Or maybe we are just a bunch of divas. I don't know. Maybe it's both. ** p. 123 * Writing this book was the first time I thought deeply about the lessons I'd derived from the SEAL teams, and life in general. '''It is quite the challenge to examine your own attributes, your failings, and then attempt to extract the lessons from your past that make you who you are today. This book is largely a product of that journey.''' ** p. 245 * Some of my most important edits came from my wife, Tara, who knows me best. She is my rock and is responsible for the confidence I have today. She stuck with me through the worst of times, and she understands the lesson of fortitude better than anyone. She is also the first to tell me when I don't live up to those lessons. Thank you, Mom, for being the first to show me a true hero. You are the embodiment of fortitude, and my brother and I have spent our lives trying to live up to your memory. This book is for you. ** p. 247 ==== ''Modern Warriors'' (2020) interview ==== :<small>''Modern Warriors: Real Stories From Real Heroes'' by Pete Hegseth. New York: HarperCollins Publishers. First edition November 2020.</small> * '''The ability to deal with adversity, to accept pain, to be calm under pressure- these are the traits we look for. Some can be taught, much is innate.''' ** p. 115 * As bad as I had it, lots of people have had it worse than me. Lots of others had made the ultimate sacrifice. I've got the initials of eight of those guys tattooed on my chest. So even when you're lying bleeding on the ground, unable to see much of anything, and later totally facedown in a bed for six weeks, you know what? Your buddies don't even get to have that chance because they're dead. That sounds morbid, but it's true. It should toughen your spine a little bit and make you feel grateful for being here at all. Too many people don't show gratitude for the new mission that they might have. They complain. They complain about the Veterans Administration. They complain about their disability payments. They complain about their lack of opportunity. Well, your buddies don't get to complain at all, and I think they would be grateful for anything. '''Living with duty means having a duty to those who aren't able to complete their mission because they would want you to keep going. They would want you to live life with a purpose. That's a message for civilians; that's a message for veterans.''' ** p. 118-119 * Everybody I knew who became a SEAL wanted to be one for a long time. You wanted this. You knew that you were, or wanted to be, an outside-the-box thinker, a sort of renegade or rebel, but also a strictly disciplined soldier. So you became that before you got to BUD/S (basic underwater demolition/SEAL training). BUD/S just made you prove it and then trained you to harness that. You learn how to exist in two different mental states: those of an ultra-aggressive combatant and a chivalrous gentleman. And you can instantaneously transition between the two. That's a warrior. ** p. 120 * In BUD/S the failures are more surprising than the successes. A lot of times, the most athletic, the fittest, the physically strongest candidates were the ones who quit. They should have been able to just crush it, but they didn't. Part of that is because they spent too much time on physical preparation and not enough on mental preparation. They believed that becasue of their physicality, their athleticism, they wouldn't be so surprised when faced with immediate failure. Those failures happen so fast in BUD/S. Your body fails constantly. That's what the program is designed to do to you. It is not physically possible to do everything that is being demanded of you. So you break down; you can't do every repetition of every exercise. We called them beatdowns for a reason. The instructors want us to break down and run away with our tail between our legs. They keep pressing us to go on, even after you thought that the activity was over. That happens to you over and over again. Your muscles fail you. And the instructors understand that difference between quitting- a failure of the will- and failing- your body giving out when you have already pushed yourself past what you once perceived as your limit. They respect that you hung in there long enough to truly fail. That's probably why you see so much anxiety and increasing suicide in our larger society. We have the most comfortable society the world has ever known. And that's good; I'm glad we do. But it's also made some people weak, and they break down when confronted with suffering. '''If you want to be a person who doesn't freak out just because you're scared or whatever else you're doing, then decide to be that person. Every time you fall short of that goal, look back on that situation and tell yourself you're going to do better next time. Eventually you will.''' ** p. 121 * Politics is the social manifestation of a set of policies. When I speak to kids, I let them know that there's a crucial difference between politics and policy. If you want to go into politics, then you have to be a representative of other people. To do that, you have to be able to communicate well. So before you decide to run for office, you have to ask yourself a few questions: Do you care about just one policy or issue? Are you good at communicating? Are you able to frame and win an argument? What are you good at? I don't think that all elected officials or candidates think through answers to these, and lots of candidates don't win because they quit on that notion of self-examination. For me, politics happened overnight when an opportunity presented itself. Because the military makes you think you have to be uber-prepared for everything, I thought that maybe I'd have a seat in about ten years. We did it in three months. ** p. 125 * It's up to us as consumers of information to be smarter, to take control. The only way a problem gets fixed is if you fix it as an individual. Don't just read to confirm your own preconceived bias. Do your research. Wait to form an opinion. You do no harm when you say you don't know and you don't have an opinion. There's no shame in that. There's a lot of shame in having a strong opinion with no facts. Too many people are very quick to feel a truth. You can't feel a truth. You can have feelings, but don't pretend that your feelings are what matter the most. Don't let your feelings drive your reality. A lot of people, veterans and civilians, fall victim to victimhood. They feel like they are victims. What are you doing, then? You're removing power from yourself. Now you're letting somebody else have control over you. That's a terrible existence. Even if you were really unfairly treated, you have to tell yourself a story of overcoming that. It's the only way out. Period. Full stop. ** p. 129 ===2021=== *Don’t kid yourself into believing that’s why we lost. It’s not. I’ll tell you openly. I'm not wrong. **[https://www.thegatewaypundit.com/2021/08/going-viral-rep-dan-crenshaw-tells-supporters-dont-kid-2020-election-absolutely-not-stolen-election-video-rinoreveal/ 12 August 2021] ===2022=== *This is what happens when angry little boys like @alexstein99 don’t grow up and can’t get girlfriends… **18 June 2022 [https://twitter.com/DanCrenshawTX/status/1538253445181972481 tweet] about [[Alex Stein]] after Stein called Crenshaw a RINO in [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cx07Eg815fs earlier encounter] ==Quotes about Crenshaw== *a super PAC called Conservative Results Matter is going after Republican Dan Crenshaw, calling him an “anti-Trump liberal,” in the two-way GOP runoff to replace retiring Texas Rep. Ted Poe. “‘Insane, hateful, idiot.’ These are the words so-called Republican Dan Crenshaw used to describe President Trump,” the narrator says in a new TV ad from the super PAC. “Crenshaw called Trump an ‘idiot.’” The attack mirrors a Facebook post by Crenshaw’s runoff opponent, state Rep. Kevin Roberts, which cites an old Facebook post of Crenshaw’s and says Crenshaw “openly [attacked] Donald Trump as an ‘idiot,’ ‘insane,’ and ‘ignorant.’” **[https://www.politico.com/story/2018/05/02/trump-republican-primaries-midterms-564181 2 May 2018] *Not only was the SNL blowup a huge boon to Crenshaw’s campaign and public image, but it also totally blotted out any memory of the fact that the former Navy SEAL is linked to far-right conspiracy group “Tea Party,” which popularized the Pizzagate conspiracy. On August 31, Newsweek reported that Crenshaw and four other GOP nominees were or had been administrators on a popular Facebook group that bolstered the 2017 Unite the Right rally in Charlottesville, pushed Pizzagate, and provided a comfortable home for racist chit-chat.<br>When Newsweek contacted Crenshaw about the group he was listed as an administrator and had posted two of his campaign movies to the group, Crenshaw told the publication he’d “never actively managed or interacted with that page.” He then removed himself from the group. **12 November 2018 [https://forward.com/schmooze/414067/new-gop-rep-buries-hatchet-with-pete-davidson-on-snl-distracting-from-link/ Jenny Singer of The Forward] == External links == {{Wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Crenshaw, Dan}} [[Category:Members of the United States House of Representatives]] [[Category:1984 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:People from Texas]] [[Category:Members of the Republican Party (United States)]] [[Category:Military leaders from the United States]] [[Category:People from Scotland]] f2abrzosy4rlo5i34u7yusysy8ty1px 0 211547 3152963 2627462 2022-08-09T17:57:15Z V2Blast 243581 Undo revision 2627462 by [[Special:Contributions/Om777om|Om777om]] ([[User talk:Om777om|talk]]) wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Kaizen-event-process.jpg|thumb| ]] '''[[w:Kaizen|Kaizen]]''' (改善) is the Japanese word for "continuous improvement". It involves viewing solutions as temporary solutions, that will be refined with time. {{philo-stub}} == Quotes == *Kaizen is a Japanese word meaning, roughly, continuous improvement. It is one of a batch of oriental ideas seized upon by western companies in the 1980s when it was thought that Japan was the source of most wisdom about management. **[https://www.economist.com/news/2009/04/14/kaizen ''Kaizen, The Economist] (14 Apr 2009) *In productivity circles the term means... every aspect of an organization should, at all times, strive to do what it does better. The philosophy first appeared when several Japanese businesses, shortly after World War II, embraced the idea that doing things the way they've always been done was a bad idea, especially when better options were available that would make them more competitive. "Kaizen" came to be synonymous with company-wide efforts to improve upon and intelligently streamline business practices and manufacturing methods while simultaneously respecting the product, craft, or the people involved with making it. **Alan Henry in ''[https://lifehacker.com/get-better-at-getting-better-the-kaizen-productivity-p-1672205148 Get Better at Getting Better: The Kaizen Productivity Philosophy, LifeHacker''] (17 December 2014) *Kaizen means improvement. Moreover, it means continuing improvement in personal life, home life, social life, and working life. When applied to the workplace...[it] means continuing improvement involving everyone – managers and workers alike. **Masaaki Imai, Founder of Kaizen Institute https://www.kaizen.com/what-is-kaizen.html == External links == {{wikipedia}} d0x2gy6hjr5us0t4mwqo561fibgbgmg 3152967 3152963 2022-08-09T18:01:02Z V2Blast 243581 Fixed style/layout errors wikitext text/x-wiki {{wikipedia}} [[File:Kaizen-event-process.jpg|thumb| ]] '''Kaizen''' (改善) is the Japanese word for "continuous improvement". It involves viewing solutions as temporary solutions, that will be refined with time. == Quotes == *Kaizen is a Japanese word meaning, roughly, continuous improvement. It is one of a batch of oriental ideas seized upon by western companies in the 1980s when it was thought that Japan was the source of most wisdom about management. **[https://www.economist.com/news/2009/04/14/kaizen ''Kaizen, The Economist] (14 Apr 2009) *In productivity circles the term means... every aspect of an organization should, at all times, strive to do what it does better. The philosophy first appeared when several Japanese businesses, shortly after World War II, embraced the idea that doing things the way they've always been done was a bad idea, especially when better options were available that would make them more competitive. "Kaizen" came to be synonymous with company-wide efforts to improve upon and intelligently streamline business practices and manufacturing methods while simultaneously respecting the product, craft, or the people involved with making it. **Alan Henry in ''[https://lifehacker.com/get-better-at-getting-better-the-kaizen-productivity-p-1672205148 Get Better at Getting Better: The Kaizen Productivity Philosophy, LifeHacker''] (17 December 2014) *Kaizen means improvement. Moreover, it means continuing improvement in personal life, home life, social life, and working life. When applied to the workplace... [it] means continuing improvement involving everyone – managers and workers alike. **[https://www.kaizen.com/what-is-kaizen.html Masaaki Imai, Founder of Kaizen Institute] {{philo-stub}} 7nni478b02d83ussd7iq89huwgu7lqq 3152968 3152967 2022-08-09T18:07:06Z UDScott 4304 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Kaizen-event-process.jpg|thumb| ]] '''[[w:Kaizen|Kaizen]]''' (改善, "improvement") is a concept referring to business activities that [[w:Continual improvement process|continuously improve]] all functions and involve all employees from the [[w:CEO|CEO]] to the [[w:assembly line|assembly line]] workers. ''Kaizen'' also applies to processes, such as purchasing and [[w:logistics|logistics]], that cross organizational boundaries into the [[w:supply chain|supply chain]]. It has been applied in healthcare, [[w:psychotherapy|psychotherapy]], [[w:life coaching|life coaching]], government, and banking. By improving standardized programs and processes, kaizen aims to eliminate waste and redundancies ([[w:lean manufacturing|lean manufacturing]]). Kaizen was first practiced in [[w:Economy of Japan|Japanese businesses]] after [[World War II]], influenced in part by American business and quality-management teachers, and most notably as part of [[w:The Toyota Way|The Toyota Way]]. It has since spread throughout the world and has been applied to environments outside business and productivity. == Quotes == *Kaizen is a Japanese word meaning, roughly, continuous improvement. It is one of a batch of oriental ideas seized upon by western companies in the 1980s when it was thought that Japan was the source of most wisdom about management. **[https://www.economist.com/news/2009/04/14/kaizen ''Kaizen, The Economist] (14 Apr 2009) *In productivity circles the term means... every aspect of an organization should, at all times, strive to do what it does better. The philosophy first appeared when several Japanese businesses, shortly after World War II, embraced the idea that doing things the way they've always been done was a bad idea, especially when better options were available that would make them more competitive. "Kaizen" came to be synonymous with company-wide efforts to improve upon and intelligently streamline business practices and manufacturing methods while simultaneously respecting the product, craft, or the people involved with making it. **Alan Henry in ''[https://lifehacker.com/get-better-at-getting-better-the-kaizen-productivity-p-1672205148 Get Better at Getting Better: The Kaizen Productivity Philosophy, LifeHacker''] (17 December 2014) *Kaizen means improvement. Moreover, it means continuing improvement in personal life, home life, social life, and working life. When applied to the workplace... [it] means continuing improvement involving everyone – managers and workers alike. **[https://www.kaizen.com/what-is-kaizen.html Masaaki Imai, Founder of Kaizen Institute] == External links == {{wikipedia}} 4pbqqdm5rmqucd8n1nw7ojzfbfsmy2u 3152969 3152968 2022-08-09T18:07:17Z UDScott 4304 added [[Category:Business]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Kaizen-event-process.jpg|thumb| ]] '''[[w:Kaizen|Kaizen]]''' (改善, "improvement") is a concept referring to business activities that [[w:Continual improvement process|continuously improve]] all functions and involve all employees from the [[w:CEO|CEO]] to the [[w:assembly line|assembly line]] workers. ''Kaizen'' also applies to processes, such as purchasing and [[w:logistics|logistics]], that cross organizational boundaries into the [[w:supply chain|supply chain]]. It has been applied in healthcare, [[w:psychotherapy|psychotherapy]], [[w:life coaching|life coaching]], government, and banking. By improving standardized programs and processes, kaizen aims to eliminate waste and redundancies ([[w:lean manufacturing|lean manufacturing]]). Kaizen was first practiced in [[w:Economy of Japan|Japanese businesses]] after [[World War II]], influenced in part by American business and quality-management teachers, and most notably as part of [[w:The Toyota Way|The Toyota Way]]. It has since spread throughout the world and has been applied to environments outside business and productivity. == Quotes == *Kaizen is a Japanese word meaning, roughly, continuous improvement. It is one of a batch of oriental ideas seized upon by western companies in the 1980s when it was thought that Japan was the source of most wisdom about management. **[https://www.economist.com/news/2009/04/14/kaizen ''Kaizen, The Economist] (14 Apr 2009) *In productivity circles the term means... every aspect of an organization should, at all times, strive to do what it does better. The philosophy first appeared when several Japanese businesses, shortly after World War II, embraced the idea that doing things the way they've always been done was a bad idea, especially when better options were available that would make them more competitive. "Kaizen" came to be synonymous with company-wide efforts to improve upon and intelligently streamline business practices and manufacturing methods while simultaneously respecting the product, craft, or the people involved with making it. **Alan Henry in ''[https://lifehacker.com/get-better-at-getting-better-the-kaizen-productivity-p-1672205148 Get Better at Getting Better: The Kaizen Productivity Philosophy, LifeHacker''] (17 December 2014) *Kaizen means improvement. Moreover, it means continuing improvement in personal life, home life, social life, and working life. When applied to the workplace... [it] means continuing improvement involving everyone – managers and workers alike. **[https://www.kaizen.com/what-is-kaizen.html Masaaki Imai, Founder of Kaizen Institute] == External links == {{wikipedia}} [[Category:Business]] crqwfjqei0kfkuc9ng02abze5f4b6is 0 211733 3152930 3108908 2022-08-09T14:51:46Z A23423413 3125316 /* 2020 */ add wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez speaks to El Borde.png|thumb|Love is revolutionary because it has us treat ALL people as we would ourselves.]] [[File:Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Official Portrait.jpg|thumb|Acknowledging racism is a really big step... but... it’s nowhere near enough... The idea that you can be poor and benefit from the color of your skin does not compute for a lot of people.]] [[File:In_danger._Puck-_"What_are_you_going_to_do_about_it%3F"_LCCN94500771.jpg|thumb|It is actually not about a wall, it is not about the border, and it is certainly not about the well-being of everyday Americans... The truth is, this shutdown is about the erosion of American democracy and the subversion of our most basic governmental norms.]] '''[[w:Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez|Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez]]''' (born October 13, 1989) is an American politician and educator. A member of the [[Democratic Party (United States)|Democratic Party]], she is the [[w:U.S. Representative|U.S. Representative]] for [[w:New York's 14th congressional district|New York's 14th congressional district]], elected on November 6, 2018. She is the youngest woman to serve in Congress in the history of the United States. Ocasio-Cortez is a proponent of [[LGBTQ rights]] and LGBTQ [[equality]]. ==Quotes== === 2018 === *Right now Freshman members of Congress are at a “Bipartisan” orientation w/ briefings on issues. Invited panelists offer insights to inform new Congressmembers‘ views as they prepare to legislate. <BR># of Corporate CEOs we’ve listened to here: 4<BR># of Labor leaders: 0<br>*Our “bipartisan” Congressional orientation is cohosted by a corporate lobbyist group. Other members have quietly expressed to me their concern that this wasn’t told to us in advance. Lobbyists are here. Goldman Sachs is here. Where‘s labor? Activists? Frontline community leaders? **[https://twitter.com/ocasio2018/status/1070735202031423488?lang=en ''Posted on Twitter''] (6 December 2018) *The age difference between myself (29) + oldest House members is ~60yrs. For better or worse, young people will live in the world Congress leaves behind. That’s why I focus on our future: addressing climate change & runaway income inequality, ending school-to-prison pipelines, etc. **[https://twitter.com/Ocasio2018/status/1076894689352142848 ''Twitter post,''] (23 December 2018) *The mentorship of elders is what got me here. In Latinx + Indigenous communities, elder is an honorific that doesn’t come with age - it comes w/ univ acknowledgement of wisdom. But to delay large action on climate doesn’t include the wisdom of elders nor the urgency of youth. **[https://twitter.com/Ocasio2018/status/1076909133255852032 ''Twitter post,''] (23 December 2018) *I have spoken in the past about how youth is not an embodiment of age, but of attitude - a willingness to risk for what is right, among others. We also shouldn’t be afraid to acknowledge the dearth of young elected officials + those implications. **[https://twitter.com/Ocasio2018/status/1076907387833978882 ''Twitter post,''] (23 December 2018) *True love is radical because it requires us to see ourselves in all people. Otherwise, it isn’t love. Love is revolutionary because it has us treat ALL people as we would ourselves - not because we are charitable, but because we are one. That is love’s radical conclusion. **[https://twitter.com/Ocasio2018/status/1077776366450429958 ''Twitter post,''] (25 December 2018) *We should aim to work for an America where developing our potential through college or vocational education isn’t a gift or luxury, but a matter of course guaranteed by society. Just like K-12. Until then, I am so thankful for those who move heaven + earth to give kids a shot. **[https://twitter.com/Ocasio2018/status/1078328151527383040 ''Twitter post,''] (27 December 2018) *Don’t be fooled by the plaques that we got, I’m still / I’m still Alex from the Bronx **[https://twitter.com/AOC/status/1078303643617640448 27 December 2018] *This time a year ago, I was bartending while running a long-shot campaign for Congress. That time felt so dark and yet so hopeful at the same time. Our odds were dismal + I was dismissed, but we felt that fighting hard for what’s right - even uphill - was worth it. Keep going. **[https://twitter.com/Ocasio2018/status/1079052935483609090 ''Twitter post,''] (29 December 2018) === 2019 === [[File:GreenNewDeal_Presser_020719_(26_of_85)_(46105848855).jpg|thumb|Even the solutions that we have considered big and bold are nowhere near the scale of the actual problem that climate change presents to us... so that's really what we're trying to accomplish with the [[AOC's Green New Deal|Green New Deal]].]] [[File:Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez July 2018 (cropped).jpg|thumb|What we are seeing now is a ruling class of corporations and a very small elite that have captured government. The Koch brothers own every Republican in the Senate. They own ’em. They don’t cast a vote unless their sugar daddies tell ’em what to do... I’m fighting for the American consensus.]] [[File:Protest_against_Donald_Trump%27s_immigration_policies_(32807086946).jpg|thumb|True love is radical because it requires us to see ourselves in all people. Otherwise, it isn’t love.]] [[File:Edward Onslow Ford - Justice.jpg|thumb|A few social media ideas for public servants looking to build an audience: - Endorse Single-Payer Medicare for All, - Hold Wall Street Accountable, - Make Min Wage = Living Wage, - Cancel Puerto Rican Debt, - End For-Profit Prisons & ICE Detention, - Fight for a #GreenNewDeal... - Support a Federal Jobs Guarantee, - Bailout Student Debt... Explore Reparations, Baby Bonds...]] [[File:Donald Trump visits San Diego border wall prototypes.jpg|thumb|The entire PREMISE of a wall is not based in fact. It’s based in a racist + non-evidence based trope that immigrants are dangerous. Yet some Dems are willing to “compromise” & spend BILLIONS on a trope because we’ve accepted some kinds of racism as realpolitik in America.]] [[File:Family of slaves in Georgia, circa 1850.jpg|thumb|Black folks are descendants of slaves that were imported, quote-unquote by slave owners, to the United States for the explicit purpose of cultivating crops. And it was predicated on white supremacy and racial superiority, but we have to understand that white supremacy exists for a reason, and they exist for a very specific cultural and economic reasons... there are economic reasons why racism is perpetuated and incentivized...until America tells the truth about itself we’re never going to heal.]] [[File:Wall Street Journal.svg|thumb|I guess WSJ Editorial Page takes pride in their ignorance of our nation’s history of slavery, Jim Crow, & mass incarceration; willful doubt on the decades of science on climate change; targeting of indigenous peoples, and the classist, punitive agenda targeting working families.]] [[File:Aix-en-Provence Mausolee Joseph Sec 05 20061227.jpg|thumb|During a hearing, the freshman lawmaker created a game in which she pretended to be “a really, really bad guy” who wants to abuse the system as much as possible. Then, in a series of questions, she exposed the world of payoffs, dark money, PACs and more. She even revealed how it was perfectly legal for a lawmaker to invest in an industry, then write laws to benefit that industry. ~Ed Mazza, HuffPost, (8 Feb 2019) ]] *Everybody knows someone in their life that is already an amazing public servant... Nominate that amazing public servant to take their service to the halls of Congress. Give them that nudge. My brother did it for me. **Quoted in [https://nypost.com/2019/01/16/alexandria-ocasio-cortez-helps-recruit-a-new-wave-of-democrats/ ['''''Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez helps recruit a new wave of Democrats''', NY Post''] (16 January 2019) *His (president Trump's) job is to find solutions, analyze and adapt in real time to keep people safe in one of the busiest air spaces in the United States and the world...And it is terrifying to think that almost every single air traffic controller in the United States is currently distracted at work because they don’t know when their next paycheck is coming. **Quoted in [http://time.com/5506749/alexandria-ocasio-cortezs-house-speech-cspan-record/ '''''Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez's First House Speech Broke a C-SPAN Record. Here's What She Said,''' Time magazine''] (17 January 2018) *It is actually not about a wall, it is not about the border, and it is certainly not about the well-being of everyday Americans... The truth is, this shutdown is about the erosion of American democracy and the subversion of our most basic governmental norms. **Quoted in [http://time.com/5506749/alexandria-ocasio-cortezs-house-speech-cspan-record/ ''Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez's First House Speech Broke a C-SPAN Record. Here's What She Said, Time magazine''] (17 January 2018) *I think it’s great that we have multiple female presidential candidates, so there’s not the woman running... I’m very excited about there being multiple women... that can represent different parts of the political spectrum on the left, so that’s something that I’m thankful for... what we’re trying to do is is frame the debate and the conversation... that we’re going to be having in the next two years... **[https://theintercept.com/2019/01/28/alexandria-ocasio-cortez-podcast/ '''''Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez on her First Weeks In Washington, The Intercept'''''] (28 January 2019) *I do not think that for the future of humanity, and for our country to continue to prosper, that we cannot have another presidential cycle where climate change is not being asked about at almost every debate, and that includes the role of fossil fuel, fossil fuel industries, and that includes the role of a broad spectrum of issues. **[https://theintercept.com/2019/01/28/alexandria-ocasio-cortez-podcast/ ''Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez on her First Weeks In Washington, The Intercept''] (28 January 2019) *Black folks are descendants of slaves that were imported, quote-unquote by slave owners, to the United States for the explicit purpose of cultivating crops. And it was predicated on white supremacy and racial superiority, but we have to understand that white supremacy exists for a reason, and they exist for a very specific cultural and economic reasons. And LBJ talked about this — like, if you can convince a poor white man that he’s superior to a black man, he’ll empty his pockets for you. <BR> And so it’s not just economic reasons why racism exists but there are economic reasons why racism is perpetuated and incentivized. More of that’s housing, income, et cetera. And like I said on Monday with Ta-Nehisi, until America tells the truth about itself we’re never going to heal.<BR> And this — it’s like this thing that as a culture we hide... it’s like this big wound with a big ugly scab on it, and it’s just going to stay this itchy thing that we keep going back to until we just deal with it. **[https://theintercept.com/2019/01/28/alexandria-ocasio-cortez-podcast/ ''Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez on her First Weeks In Washington, The Intercept''] (28 January 2019) *Even the solutions that we have considered big and bold are nowhere near the scale of the actual problem that climate change presents to us... It could be part of a larger solution, but no one has actually scoped out what that larger solution would entail. And so that's really what we're trying to accomplish with the [[AOC's Green New Deal|Green New Deal]]. *I do think that when there's a wide spectrum of debate on an issue, that is where the public plays a role. That is where the public needs to call their member of Congress and say, 'This is something that I care about,'...Where I do have trust is in my colleagues' capacity to change and evolve and be adaptable and listen to their constituents." **[https://www.npr.org/2019/02/07/691997301/rep-alexandria-ocasio-cortez-releases-green-new-deal-outline '''''Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Releases Green New Deal Outline,''' by Danielle Kurtzleben, NPR''] (7 February 2019) *Reminder that their plan = no plan. Why? Because for billionaires, things are already going fine. **Quoted in [https://www.commondreams.org/news/2019/02/13/billionaires-things-are-already-fine-ocasio-cortez-pinpoints-why-howard-schultz-has ''''''For Billionaires, Things Are Already Fine': Ocasio-Cortez Pinpoints Why Howard Schultz Has No Serious Tax Plan''', Julia Conley, Common Dreams''] (13 Feb 2019) *The thing that people don’t understand about restaurants is that they’re one of the most political environments. You’re shoulder-to-shoulder with immigrants. You’re at one of the nexuses of income inequality. Your hourly wage is even less than the minimum wage. You’re working for tips. You’re getting sexually harassed. **Alex Morris [https://www.rollingstone.com/politics/politics-features/alexandria-ocasio-cortez-congress-interview-797214/ '''''Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Wants the Country to Think Big, Rolling Stone,'''''] (27 February 2019) *I was actually talking to a Republican House member on the floor, and he’s like, “Are you a communist?... It’s OK if you are.” And I just started laughing because that is exactly how Fox News wants to go. **Alex Morris [https://www.rollingstone.com/politics/politics-features/alexandria-ocasio-cortez-congress-interview-797214/ '''''Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Wants the Country to Think Big, Rolling Stone,'''''] (27 February 2019) *I do think that we’ve been taking it too much. I think we’ve been tolerating the intolerable. **Alex Morris [https://www.rollingstone.com/politics/politics-features/alexandria-ocasio-cortez-congress-interview-797214/ '''''Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Wants the Country to Think Big, Rolling Stone,'''''] (27 February 2019) *The last time I was pissed was the president’s bullshit border address, watching this guy just be racist from the Oval Office. I saw it as a defilement. In terms of how we channel it, we just take that anger and that energy and use it to say, “This is why we need the moonshot.” **Alex Morris [https://www.rollingstone.com/politics/politics-features/alexandria-ocasio-cortez-congress-interview-797214/ '''''Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Wants the Country to Think Big, Rolling Stone,'''''] (27 February 2019) *I think it’s wrong to say that what I’m proposing is polarizing the country. What we are seeing now is a ruling class of corporations and a very small elite that have captured government. The Koch brothers own every Republican in the Senate. They own ’em. They don’t cast a vote unless their sugar daddies tell ’em what to do. But 70 percent of Americans believe in Medicare for all. Ninety percent of Americans believe we need to get money out of politics. Eighty-something [percent] believe that climate change is a real, systemic and urgent problem. Sixty-seven percent of Americans believe that immigrants are a positive force in the United States of America. I believe that I’m fighting for the American consensus. **Alex Morris [https://www.rollingstone.com/politics/politics-features/alexandria-ocasio-cortez-congress-interview-797214/ ''Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Wants the Country to Think Big, Rolling Stone,''] (27 February 2019) *I grew up with a real romanticism about America. I grew up in a first-generation household where your parents give up everything, and for me America was the greatest thing ever to exist. To be there on the floor of the House was beyond anything my parents would have ever dreamed of. **Quoted in [https://www.newyorker.com/news/daily-comment/alexandria-ocasio-cortez-is-coming-for-your-hamburgers ''Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Is Coming for Your Hamburgers!, David Remnick, The New Yorker,''] (3 March 2019) *I’ve got a full-time job in Congress and then I moonlight as America’s greatest villain, or as the new hope. And it’s pretty tiring. I’m just a normal person. I knew that I was not going to be liked. I’m a Democrat. I’m a woman. I’m a young woman. A Latina. And I’m a liberal, a [[w: Democratic Socialists of America|D.S.A]]. member,” she said, referring to the Democratic Socialists of America. “I believe health care is a right and people should be paid enough to live. Those are offensive values to them. But this ravenous hysteria—it’s really getting to a level that is kind of out of control. It’s dangerous and even scary. I have days when it seems some people want to stoke just enough of it to have just enough plausible deniability if something happens to me. **Quoted in [https://www.newyorker.com/news/daily-comment/alexandria-ocasio-cortez-is-coming-for-your-hamburgers ''Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Is Coming for Your Hamburgers!, David Remnick, The New Yorker,''] (3 March 2019) *So the way I have conversations with people of opposing beliefs is I don't try to convince them of anything. So that's the first step trying to win people over. Stop trying to enter a conversation thinking that you're gonna like aah-ha them into changing their mind. I think that you know, we've kind of lost the art of conversation. So when I enter a conversation with someone I actually try to learn more about where they're coming from. Like I try I actually use it as an experience... let's say I'm talking to someone who's saying something really racist and they don't even realize that they're saying something really racist. I ask some questions because I'm interested. I'm fascinated by that. How does that work, you know? I don't do it in a way that's like mocking but I ask questions. We have to learn to really disarm ourselves in these conversations. First of all because we approach them with so much hostility and they get mad and we get mad and all of these things and so part of it is like emotional work and The second part of it is intention. Like what are you trying to get out of this conversation? And if you're just trying to argue with someone, it's not gonna work You know, you believe what you believe they believe what they believe. So I think the thing that we have to do is try to have a good faith interaction of trying to learn more about where the other person comes from because often what I find, is that when I do win people over It's almost never in the conversation itself that I've won someone over. Its that I have a conversation with someone, I asked them some critical questions and I calmly explained to them: well, this is where I'm coming from and this is why I believe what I believe why do you believe what you believe? And you kind of like leave the conversation but very often that person will sit on what you said and they will sit on the fact that you respected them and gave them space and then very often I've had interactions like that and I'll run into that person again a week later a month later and they said you know what? You said something that I really thought about and I changed my mind...But if you rush in, you know fully-armored up, attacking them and making them feel defensive they will never listen to anything that you have to say. So it's really about learning how how we can have a conversation again. **Alexandria Ocasio Cortez SXSW 2019, Youtube (10, March 2019) *When we talk about the concern of the environment as an [[elitist]] concern, one year ago I was waitressing in a taco shop in Downtown Manhattan. I just got [[w:health insurance|health insurance]] for the first time a month ago. This is not an elitist issue; this is a quality-of-life issue. You want to tell people that their concern and their desire for clean air and clean water is elitist? Tell that to the kids in the South Bronx, which are suffering from the highest rates of childhood asthma in the country. Tell that to the families in Flint, whose kids have—their blood is ascending in lead levels. Their brains are damaged for the rest of their lives. Call them elitist... People are dying. <BR>This should not be a [[w:partisan|partisan]] issue. This is about our constituents and all of our lives. Iowa, Nebraska, broad swaths of the Midwest are drowning right now, underwater. Farms, towns that will never be recovered and never come back. And we’re here, and people are more concerned about helping [[w: big oil|oil companies]] than helping their own families? I don’t think so...This is about American lives. And it should not be partisan. Science should not be partisan. We are facing a national crisis. And if... if we tell the American public that we are more willing to invest and bail out [[w:Big banks|big banks]] than we are willing to invest in our farmers and our urban families, then I don’t know what we’re here doing... **[https://www.democracynow.org/2019/3/28/tell_that_to_the_families_in ''“Tell That to the Families in Flint”: AOC Demolishes GOP Claim That Green New Deal Is “Elitist”, DemocracyNow'',]<BR> Video only: [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m5M8vvEhCFI ''This is not an elitist issue: AOC on... inaction on climate change –video, Guardian News''] (26 March 2019) *The DCCC's new rule to blacklist + boycott anyone who does business with primary challengers is extremely divisive and harmful to the party... My recommendation, if you're a small-dollar donor: pause your donations to DCCC and give directly to swing candidates instead." **Quoted in [https://www.commondreams.org/news/2019/03/30/ocasio-cortez-tells-small-donors-cut-dccc-donations-give-directly-candidates-instead '''Ocasio-Cortez Tells Small Donors to Cut Off DCCC Donations, Give Directly to Candidates Instead,''' Common Dreams, Jake Johnson,] (30 March 2019) *No lawmaker should be cashing in on their public service and selling their contacts and expertise to the highest bidder... don't think it should be legal at ALL to become a corporate lobbyist if you've served in Congress. Keeping it real, the elephant in the room with passing a lobbying ban on members requires a nearly-impossible discussion about congressional pay. **''[https://www.commondreams.org/news/2019/05/30/aoc-calls-ban-revolving-door-study-shows-two-thirds-recently-departed-lawmakers-now '''AOC Calls for Ban on Revolving Door as Study Shows Two-Thirds of Recently Departed Lawmakers Now K Street Lobbyists''']Common Dreams,'' Eoin Higgins,] (30 May 2019) *Any job that pays $2.13 an hour is not a job, it is indentured servitude... All labor has dignity, and the way that we give labor dignity is by paying people the respect and value that they are worth at minimum... When we talk about tipped wages, people think of this industry, people think of bartenders and they think of waitresses.. But they don't think about nail salon workers, they don't think about car wash attendants. They don't think about these people that, so many of us don't even know, are depending on our tips, too. **[https://www.cnn.com/2019/05/31/politics/aoc-minimum-wage-event/index.html '''''Ocasio-Cortez waits tables to raise awareness for increasing minimum wage''', CNN,'' Caroline Kelly,] (1 June 2019) ==== January 2019 ==== *A few social media ideas for public servants looking to build an audience: - Endorse Single-Payer Medicare for All, - Hold Wall Street Accountable, - Make Min Wage = Living Wage, - Cancel Puerto Rican Debt, - End For-Profit Prisons & ICE Detention, - Fight for a #GreenNewDeal **[https://twitter.com/AOC/status/1080300714126200832 ''Twitter post,''] (1 January 2019) *A few more ways to gain traction: - Support a Federal Jobs Guarantee, - Bailout Student Debt, - Legalize Marijuana & Explore Reparations, Baby Bonds. Here’s our Student Loan Cancellation Digital Town Hall... **[https://twitter.com/AOC/status/1080310857161232384 ''Twitter post,''] (1 January 2019) *Many people ask what a [[AOC's Green New Deal|Green New Deal]] entails. We are calling for a wartime-level, just economic mobilization plan to get to 100% renewable energy ASAP. To read more, check out... **[https://twitter.com/AOC/status/1080269371921088514 ''Twitter post,''] (1 January 2019) *Congresswomen dance too! **💃🏽Tweet Jan 4, 2019 *When you look at how he reacted to the Charlottesville incident, where '''neo-Nazis murdered a woman''', versus how he manufactures crises like immigrants seeking legal refuge on our borders, it’s—it’s night and day. **[https://twitter.com/MotherJones/status/1082425925470470146 7 January 2019 interview] commenting on [[Donald Trump]] to Anderson Cooper in 60 Minutes, rebroadcast 23 June 2019 *Financial Services is one of just four exclusive committees in the House. It oversees big banks, lending, & the financial sector.... **[https://twitter.com/AOC/status/1085380063112105984 ''Twitter post,''] (15 January 2019) *Personally, I’m looking forward to digging into the student loan crisis, examining for-profit prisons/ICE detention, and exploring the development of public & postal banking. To start. **[https://twitter.com/AOC/status/1085380063112105984 ''Twitter post,''] (15 January 2019) *Millennials and people, you know, Gen Z and all these folks that will come after us are looking up and we’re like: The world is going to end in 12 years if we don’t address climate change and your biggest issue is how are we gonna pay for it? **[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oHk8nn0nw18&t=9s “World is going to end in 12 years”] (21 January 2019) interview by Ta-Nehisi Coates *Me: “I don’t think billionaires should concentrate wealth while employing people who are sleeping in cars working a zillion hours to survive.” Next day: “That will be TEN PINOCCHIOS to Ocasio, ‘zillion’ is not a number and I found someone who sleeps in a tent, not a car.” **[https://twitter.com/AOC/status/1087890805715537920 ''Twitter post,''] (22 January 2019) *You shouldn’t need a Bible to tell you to protect our planet, but it does anyway. **[https://twitter.com/AOC/status/1088200189524017157 ''Twitter post,''] (23 January 2019) *For too long, we’ve been told “no” to a substantially better future - that the America that went to the moon, pursued the Great Society & electrified the nation is no longer possible. I disagree. Instead, let’s break past our self-defined limits and redefine what’s possible. **[https://twitter.com/AOC/status/1088285704713572352 ''Twitter post,''] (24 January 2019) ==== February 2019 ==== *There are multiple doctored [[AOC's Green New Deal|GND]] resolutions and FAQs floating around. There was also a draft version that got uploaded + taken down. There’s also draft versions floating out there. Point is, the real one is our submitted resolution, H.Res. 109: (link redirect to) https://www.congress.gov/bill/116th-congress/house-resolution/109/text **[https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1094331348813340672 ''Twitter post,''] (9 February 2019) *Our future is imperiled, our economy is fragile, and frontline communities are vulnerable to major threats from rising sea levels to lead in our water. A #GreenNewDeal is a common sense, moral solution to fix these issues with the urgency they demand. **[https://twitter.com/AOC ''Twitter post,''] (22 February 2019) *Leadership starts with our choices. That’s why I decided that no one on my staff will make less than $52k/year. It’s likely one of the highest entry-level salaries on the Hill. We pinch pennies elsewhere, but it’s worth every dime to pay a living wage. **[https://twitter.com/AOC ''Twitter post,''] (22 February 2019) * It’s pretty sad that people think low Congressional staff pay is a good thing. Low pay a big reason why money in politics is a problem - you can make a lot more money becoming a lobbyist & setting up a relationship w/ one, since the actual job doesn’t pay enough. * A lot of people commenting don’t know how Congressional salaries work. Each member is given a set amount that they disburse. GOP has refused to increase budgets in years to give hard-working staff a raise, which means people helping to run the country are getting paid $30k/year. **[https://twitter.com/AOC ''Twitter post,''] (23 February 2019) *The GOP is so disconnected from the basic idea that people should be paid enough to live that Fox actually thinks me paying a living wage in my office is “communism.” So the next time GOP screams “socialist,” know that’s their go-to attack for any common-sense, humane policy. **[https://twitter.com/AOC ''Twitter post,''] (25 February 2019) *GOP defensively say, “we’re not scared of dancing women!” yet proceed to use footage of me dancing “with the color drained to make it look more ominous.” 🤣 Spoiler: The GOP *is* scared of dancing women, because they fear the liberation of all identities taught to feel shame. **[https://twitter.com/AOC ''Twitter post,''] (28 February 2019) *I guess WSJ Editorial Page takes pride in their ignorance of our nation’s history of slavery, Jim Crow, & mass incarceration; willful doubt on the decades of science on climate change; targeting of indigenous peoples, and the classist, punitive agenda targeting working families. **[https://twitter.com/AOC ''Twitter post,''] (28 February 2019) ==== March 2019 ==== [[File:Automatic weapons at gun range, Las Vegas.jpg|thumb|Sandy Hook happened 6 years ago and we can’t even get the Senate to hold a vote on universal background checks... Christchurch happened, and within days New Zealand acted to get weapons of war out of the consumer market. This is what leadership looks like. [[Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez]]]] *At [DHS immigrant detention] facility, children recounted being held down for forcible injections, which medical records show are powerful antipsychotics and sedatives. I think an agency that pins children down + forcibly injects them w/ antipsychotic drugs shouldn’t be given more power. **[https://twitter.com/AOC ''Twitter post,''] (2 March 2019) *What I DID say was that I had to go back to my district & share the MTR vote to explain why a pro-ICE amendment was slipped into a gun safety law. Maybe they’re mad bc I don’t believe pro-ICE expansion votes should be cast in the dark, and people deserve to know what happened. **[https://twitter.com/AOC ''Twitter post,''] (2 March 2019) *MomsDemand & #MarchForOurLives activists, who flew in from across the country, were watching from the gallery, crying + confused. I ran up to them *during the vote* and explained that the gotcha amendment pinned gun safety against immigration advocacy. Its intent was to divide. **[https://twitter.com/AOC ''Twitter post,''] (2 March 2019) *Mind you, the same small splinter group of Dems that tried to deny Pelosi the speakership, fund the wall during the shutdown when the public didn’t want it, & are now voting in surprise ICE amendments... are being called the “moderate wing” of the party. **[https://twitter.com/AOC ''Twitter post,''] (2 March 2019) *I was upset that 26 Dems forced the other 200+ to vote for a pro-ICE provision at the last min without warning... We can have ideological differences and that’s fine. But these tactics allow a small group to force the other 200+ members into actions that the majority disagree with. I don’t think that’s right, and said as much in a closed door meeting. **[https://twitter.com/AOC ''Twitter post,''] (2 March 2019) *If you’re mad that I think people SHOULD KNOW when Dems vote to expand ICE powers, then be mad. ICE is a dangerous agency with 0 accountability, widespread reporting of rape, abuse of power, + children dying in DHS custody. Having a D next to your name doesn’t make that right. **[https://twitter.com/AOC ''Twitter post,''] (2 March 2019) *The entire PREMISE of a wall is not based in fact. It’s based in a racist + non-evidence based trope that immigrants are dangerous. Yet some Dems are willing to “compromise” & spend BILLIONS on a trope because we’ve accepted some kinds of racism as realpolitik in America. **[https://twitter.com/AOC/status/1103159551384305664 ''Twitter post,''] (6 March 2019) *[[Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting|Sandy Hook]] happened 6 years ago and we can’t even get the Senate to hold a vote on universal background checks w/ [https://www.congress.gov/bill/116th-congress/house-bill/8/text #HR8]. Christchurch happened, and within days [[New Zealand]] acted to get weapons of war out of the consumer market. This is what leadership looks like. (Her tweet pointed to a tweet with quote from New Zealand's Prime Minister [[w:Jacinda Arden|Jacinda Arden]] “Today I am announcing that New Zealand will ban all military-style semi-automatic weapons.”) **[https://twitter.com/AOC/status/1108563593304436736 ''Twitter Post''] (20 March 2019) ==== April 2019 ==== *Members of Congress have a duty to respond to the President’s explicit attack today. @IlhanMN’s life is in danger. For our colleagues to be silent is to be complicit in the outright, dangerous targeting of a member of Congress. We must speak out. “First they came...” **[https://twitter.com/AOC/status/1116848329776934912 12 April 2019] highlighted [https://www.foxnews.com/politics/aoc-faces-backlash-for-using-first-they-came-holocaust-poem-in-defense-of-omar April 13 by Fox] ==== May 2019 ==== *This is a technique of the GOP, to take dry humor + sarcasm literally and ‘fact check’ it. Like the ‘world ending in 12 years’ thing, you’d have to have the social intelligence of a sea sponge to think it’s literal. But the GOP is basically Dwight from The Office so who knows. **[https://www.nationalreview.com/corner/alexandria-ocasio-cortez-climate-change-inequality-just-kidding/ “Just Kidding, Says Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez”], Kyle Smith, ''National Review'' (May 13, 2019), tweet from May 12, 2019 *AOC to: @tedcruz if you’re serious about a clean bill, then I’m down.Let’s make a deal. If we can agree on a bill with no partisan snuck-in clauses, no poison pills, etc - just a straight, clean ban on members of Congress becoming paid lobbyists - then I’ll co-lead the bill with you. **[https://twitter.com/AOC/status/1134199323263209480''Twitter Post''], (30 May 2019) *Any job that pays $2.13 an hour is not a job. It's indentured servitude. All labor has dignity and the way that we give labor dignity is by paying people the respect and the value that they are worth... We have to raise the national minimum wage to $15 an hour. **[https://twitter.com/thehill/status/1134631705153802241 ''Twitter Post''], (31 May 2019) ==== June 2019 ==== *The GOP is working overtime to dismantle labor unions, which are exceedingly popular with the American public. Unions secure higher wages and better work conditions. We should support them, even if we’re not in one. (Or look into unionization in your industry!) **[https://twitter.com/AOC/status/1135211015820533760 ''Twitter Post''], (2 June 2019) *Seems like [[Trump]]’s [[w:DOT|DOT]] Secretary, [[Elaine Chao]],has been caught trying to use her position to enrich her family’s shipping company. Her husband has lots of sway in US laws, too: [[Mitch McConnell]]. At this point it might be easier to ask where in this admin there *isn’t* [[corruption]]. **[https://twitter.com/AOC/status/1135575427135737856 ''Twitter Post''], (3 June 2019) ==== July 2019 ==== *Are we headed to [[fascism]]? Yes. I don’t think there’s a question... If you actually take the time to study, and to look at the steps, and to see how government transforms under authoritarian regimes, and look at the political decisions and patterns of this president, the answer is yes. **Quoted in [https://thehill.com/homenews/house/451601-ocasio-cortez-says-us-is-headed-to-fascism-under-trump ''Ocasio-Cortez says U.S. is headed to 'fascism' under Trump, The Hill,'' Justin Wise] (3 July 2019) *I see why CBP officers were being so physically and sexually threatening towards me... Officers were keeping women in cells w/ no water & had told them to drink out of the toilets. This was them on their GOOD behavior in front of members of Congress. **Quoted in [https://thehill.com/homenews/house/451601-ocasio-cortez-says-us-is-headed-to-fascism-under-trump ''Ocasio-Cortez says U.S. is headed to 'fascism' under Trump, The Hill,'' Justin Wise] (3 July 2019) *We withdrew U.S. aid to those areas that was intended to stabilize those areas... It deepened and exacerbated all of the crises that are already happening, causing a flood of people to try to escape these horrifying conditions. So we are contributing to the surge in the first place. We’re engineering it, so that’s coming to our border. **Quoted in [https://thehill.com/homenews/house/451601-ocasio-cortez-says-us-is-headed-to-fascism-under-trump ''Ocasio-Cortez says U.S. is headed to 'fascism' under Trump, The Hill,'' Justin Wise] (3 July 2019) *No child should ever be separated from their parent. No child should ever taken from their family. No woman should ever be locked up in a pen when they have done no harm to another human being. **[https://twitter.com/thehill/status/1146082350725337089 AOC quoted by ''The Hill, Twitter,''] (2 July 2019) *I can’t understate how disturbing it was that CBP officers were openly disrespectful of the Congressional tour. If officers felt comfortable violating agreements in front of their *own* management & superiors, that tells us the agency has lost all control of their own officers. Congresswoman Madeleine Dean: We were met with hostility from the guards, but this is nothing compared to their treatment of the people being held. The detainees are constantly abused and verbally harassed with no cause. Deprived physically and dehumanized mentally - everyday. **[https://twitter.com/AOC/status/1146052528997588992 ''Twitter,''] (2 July 2019) *Even if they let you in, these women told us CBP did a lot of “cleaning up” before we arrived. They were moved into that room from outside tents before our arrival. They said they’d gone 15 days w/o a shower, & were allowed to start bathing 4 days ago (when visit was announced). **[https://twitter.com/AOC/status/1145845963359174657 ''Twitter,''] (1 July 2019) *Members of Congress had to surrender their phones before today’s CBP trip.<BR>But @JoaquinCastrotx was able to get a device in. This photo is of the women we spoke to.<BR> We asked their permission to photograph - they said yes, please share what’s happening. **[https://twitter.com/AOC/status/1145840530624077825 ''Twitter,''] (1 July 2019) *Meanwhile, one refrain we‘ve heard is that people are overcrowded in CBP concentration camps because the shelters (which are humane places where families can stay together) are full.<BR> So we went to a shelter. They said that wasn’t true at all. Only 150/500 spots were filled. **[https://twitter.com/AOC/status/1145838650468511744 ''Twitter,''] (1 July 2019) *What’s haunting is that the women I met with today told me in no uncertain terms that they would experience retribution for telling us what they shared.<BR>They all began sobbing - out of fear of being punished, out of sickness, out of desperation, lack of sleep, trauma, despair. **[https://twitter.com/AOC/status/1145801283191955464 ''Twitter,''] (1 July 2019) ==== August 2019 ==== *I actually think I have a lot of common ground with many libertarian viewpoints… True libertarians, which many happen to be in the Republican Party, true libertarian viewpoints are pro-immigration. **Billy Binion, “[https://reason.com/2019/08/08/alexandria-ocasio-cortez-i-have-a-lot-of-common-ground-with-many-libertarian-viewpoints/ “Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez: 'I Have a Lot of Common Ground With Many Libertarian Viewpoints'”], ''Reason'' magazine, (Aug. 8, 2019) from ''Instagram'' live stream (Aug. 2, 2019) === 2020 === *[[Susan Collins]] is not a moderate. She just plays one on TV. **[https://twitter.com/aoc/status/1242133869580767232 Twitter] (March 23, 2020) *Billionaires need the working class. The working class does not need billionaires. **[https://twitter.com/AOC/status/1292155096923504640 Twitter] (August 8, 2020) *Good evening, ​bienvenidos​, and thank you to everyone here today endeavoring towards a better, more just future for our country and our world. *In a time when millions of people in the United States are looking for deep systemic solutions to our crises of mass evictions, unemployment and lack of health care, and ​espíritu del pueblo​ and out of a love for all people, I hereby second the nomination of [[Senator Bernard Sanders]] of Vermont for president of the United States of America. (Rep. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1bxBgq88wnM&ab_channel=TheHill Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez speaks via video] feed during the second day of the Democratic National Convention on August 18, 2020) **As quoted in: [https://truthout.org/articles/aoc-was-the-highlight-of-dncs-night-two-despite-speaking-just-97-seconds/ AOC Was the Highlight of DNC’s Night Two Despite Speaking Just 97 Seconds William Rivers Pitt, ''Truthout''] August 18, 2020. *If we are only organizing for elections, we are not going to win the world that we need...No one politician is the answer. No one president is the answer. You are the answer, mass movements are the answer. **[https://twitter.com/AOC/status/1324895073776054273 via tweet] (November 6, 2020) === 2021 === <small>(Newest first)</small> *There are already communities actively experimenting and developing solutions… What I work on is not how we find solutions but how we scale to transform our society...there’s the writing by [[Arundhati Roy]], which is that '''another world is not only possible, but it is already here.''' And finding the pockets where this world has arrived, is what gives me hope.<BR>The Bronx has one of the highest per capita rates of worker cooperatives in the world. That is a new economy in our borough of millions of people. And so whether it’s that, whether it is discussions around mass incarceration, abolitionists organizing, not just, you know, what does it mean to dismantle the jail, but what does it mean to reorganize the society so that we do not have people engaged in antisocial behavior on such a scale that we have today, or that we don’t have antisocial systems... These are not just theoretical conversations that people are having, but there are communities that are actively experimenting and developing solutions.... <BR> What I work on is not how do we find solutions, but how do we scale the solutions that we’ve already developed to transform our society. And that is work that breaks our cycles of cynicism. Cynicism, I think is a far greater enemy to the left than many others, because it is the tool that is given to us to hurt ourselves. And '''hope creates action and action creates hope. And that’s how we scale forward.''' **[https://lauraflanders.org/2021/10/aoc-noam-chomsky/ AOC & Noam Chomsky: The Way Forward + transcript] October 28, 2021 *I do think that there is a dam breaking, both in electoral politics, but also in organizing beyond our electoral system. Like what we’re seeing with the precipitation of strikes on a scale that really has not been seen in many years.. It’s a bit of an emperor with no clothes type of situation for our political establishment and our capitalist systems where people are beginning to realize that once we name these systems and describe them, that this water that they are, that people have been swimming in, actually has a name. And there is alternative that people can come up for air if we try to explore alternative ways of doing things... After I won, there was such a large concerted attempt, and continues to be a large-concerted attempt by media to marginalize, not just my victory, but what happened in our community... you have the former governor of New York, Andrew Cuomo, within days saying this was a complete accident. You had every, every major of elected official and Democratic Party member trying to dismiss what happened. And the thing is that it didn’t stop. There would be a case for that if I was the only victory that occurred. But the fact of the matter is that simply wasn’t the case that had the election ’cause people also naming systems and talking about what was previously extraordinarily politically taboo. **[https://lauraflanders.org/2021/10/aoc-noam-chomsky/ AOC & Noam Chomsky: The Way Forward + transcript] October 28, 2021 *What is so intertwined in this discussion is that this is not just also about open critiques of capitalism, but also open critiques of white supremacy. And it’s in greater understanding of white supremacy, not as just, you know, these social, these racist, social clubs of people dawning hoods, but actually as a system and a systems understanding of how white supremacy has interacted with the development of the United States. And so the way that that ties back in is that so many of these essential labor forces are dominated by women and women of color, whether it’s fast food workers or whether it’s nurses or whether it’s childcare and teaching professions, this, what I would say this capitalist class calls a labor shortage, in what is actually a dignified work shortage, is concentrated overwhelmingly in working class people, a multi-racial working class, but also in professions that are dominated by women and women of color. **[https://lauraflanders.org/2021/10/aoc-noam-chomsky/ AOC & Noam Chomsky: The Way Forward + transcript] October 28, 2021 *1. Policy- Passing BIF without [[BBB]] is a huge gamble. People will point to pro-climate investments in BIF, but the oil & gas giveaways wipe out its progress to 0 or risk worse emissions. Passing BBB unlocks BIF climate perks * 2. Political - there were many, many promises made to get to Friday’s passage. Promises from [[mod Dems]], [[Congress|House]] leadership, and the [[Biden|President]] himself. *If those promises do not get fulfilled, it will make future passage of anything much more difficult. BIF will look like a cakewalk ** via [[Twitter]] '''[https://twitter.com/AOC/status/1457374737722654725 Tweet]''' (November 7, 2021) * In [[Washington DC|Washington]], I usually know my questions of power are getting somewhere when the powerful stop referring to me as “Congresswoman” and start referring to me as “young lady” instead * “Imagine if every time someone referred to someone as ‘young lady’ they were responded to by being addressed with their age and gender? They’d be pretty upset if one responded with ‘the old man’, right? Why this kind of weird, patronizing behavior is so accepted is beyond me!” ** "[https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2021/sep/13/alexandria-ocasio-cortez-aoc-joe-manchin-infrastructure-spending Weird, patronizing behavior’: AOC lets rip at Manchin’s ‘young lady’ remark] (September 13, 2021) *Six weeks pregnant means two weeks late for your period... And two weeks late on your period for any person -- any person with a menstrual cycle -- can happen if you're stressed, if your diet changes or for really no reason at all. So you don't have six weeks. **[https://www.cnn.com/2021/09/09/politics/abbott-abortion-fact-check/index.html Fact Check: Texas abortion law doesn't give full 6 weeks to get an abortion, by Tara Subramaniam,''CNN''], (September 9, 2021) *The majority of people who are raped, and who are sexually assaulted, are assaulted by someone they know. These aren’t just predators who are walking around the streets at night. They are people's uncles, they are teachers, they are family friends, and when something like that happens, it takes a very long time, first of all, for any victim to come forward. And second of all, when a victim comes forward, they don't necessarily want to bring their case into the carceral system. They don't want to re-traumatize themselves by going to court. They don't necessarily all want to report a family friend to a police precinct, let alone in the immediate aftermath of the trauma of a sexual assault. **[https://www.cnn.com/videos/politics/2021/09/08/alexandria-ocasio-cortez-texas-abbott-abortion-ban-ac360-intv-sot-vpx.cnn “'Disgusting': Ocasio-Cortez reacts to Abbott's comments on rape victims”], "Anderson Cooper 360", ''CNN'', (September 7, 2021) *I'm sorry we have to break down Biology 101 on national television, but in case no one has informed [[Greg Abbott|him]] before in his life, six weeks pregnant means two weeks late for your period. And two weeks late on your period for any person -- any person with a menstrual cycle -- can happen if you're stressed, if your diet changes or for really no reason at all. So you don't have six weeks. ** [https://www.cnn.com/videos/politics/2021/09/08/alexandria-ocasio-cortez-texas-abbott-abortion-ban-ac360-intv-sot-vpx.cnn “'Disgusting': Ocasio-Cortez reacts to Abbott's comments on rape victims”], "Anderson Cooper 360", ''CNN'', (September 7, 2021) *The value of human rights is really the path to peace here...That’s a central thing that we need to make sure that we value the safety and the human rights of [[Israelis]] and we value the safety and human rights of Palestinians in that process that is similar on equal footing... Just like here in the United States, I don’t believe that children should be detained. I think that starting on those basic principles of human rights, we can build a path to peace together... We really need to make sure that we are valuing a process where all parties are respected, and have a lot of equal opportunity to really make sure that we are negotiating in good faith. **(AOC's response to the question "What actions do you think can be taken to support movements towards peace both between Israelis and Palestinians, as well as within the entire region) [https://forward.com/fast-forward/467171/aoc-says-human-rights-is-central-to-peace-between-israel-palestinians/ AOC says human rights is central to peace between Israel and the Palestinians, by Jacob Kornbluh] (April 5, 2021) ===2022=== * We could protect ''[[Roe v. Wade|Roe]]'' tomorrow, but [[Kyrsten Sinema|Sinema]] refuses to act on the filibuster. Until that changes she can take a seat talking about 'women’s access to health care.' Hold everyone contributing to this disaster accountable, GOP & Dem obstructionists included. She should be primaried. **[https://www.politico.com/news/2022/05/03/congress-supreme-court-abortion-reactions-00029682 Collins, Manchin and other lawmakers react to the Supreme Court draft opinion] (Updated: 05/03/2022 03:11 PM EDT) == Quotes about Ocasio-Cortez == <small>Most recent first</small> ===2021=== *Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, D-N.Y., slammed [[Greg Abbott|Abbott]] in an interview with CNN's [[Anderson Cooper]] on Tuesday, saying he lacks basic knowledge of biology. "I'm sorry we have to break down Biology 101 on national television, but in case no one has informed him before in his life, six weeks pregnant means two weeks late for your period," Ocasio-Cortez said. "And two weeks late on your period ... can happen if you're stressed, if your diet changes or for really no reason at all. So you don't have six weeks." **[https://www.npr.org/2021/09/08/1035119369/fact-check-texas-gov-greg-abbotts-misleading-remarks-on-the-states-abortion-law Fact Check: Texas Gov. Greg Abbott's Misleading Remarks On The State's Abortion Law, Rachel Treisman, ''NPR''] (September 8, 2021) *Ocasio-Cortez also took issue with Abbott's comments on rape, noting that the majority of people who are raped or sexually assaulted are assaulted by someone whom they know. The anti-sexual violence nonprofit RAINN says 8 out of 10 rapes are committed by someone known to the victim. "These aren't just predators that are walking around the streets at night. They are people's uncles, they are teachers, they are family friends, and when something like that happens, it takes a very long time, first of all, for any victim to come forward," Ocasio-Cortez added. "And second of all, when a victim comes forward, they don't necessarily want to bring their case into the carceral system." **[https://www.npr.org/2021/09/08/1035119369/fact-check-texas-gov-greg-abbotts-misleading-remarks-on-the-states-abortion-law Fact Check: Texas Gov. Greg Abbott's Misleading Remarks On The State's Abortion Law, Rachel Treisman, ''NPR''] (September 8, 2021) * One big thing the NatCons are right about is that in the Information Age, the cultural and corporate elites have merged. Right-wing parties around the world are gradually becoming working-class parties that stand against the economic interests and cultural preferences of the highly educated. Left-wing parties are now rooted in the rich metro areas and are more and more becoming an unsteady alliance between young AOC left-populists and Google. **[[David Brooks]], as quoted in [https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2021/11/scary-future-american-right-national-conservatism-conference/620746/ The Terrifying Future of the American Right] (18 November 2021), ''The Atlantic'' ===2020=== *Democratic presidential hopeful Joe Biden unveiled a $2 trillion energy plan Tuesday with a heavy focus on the [[Green New Deal]] agenda being pushed by New York Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and the far-left flank of his party. Speaking in Wilmington, Del., Biden promised a “clean energy revolution,”... Biden’s announcement comes as the presidential wannabe courts idols on the left of his party including Bronx-Queens Congresswoman Ocasio-Cortez and [[Bernie Sanders|Sen. Bernie Sanders]] (I-Vt.) in the hope that they will support him and steer young voters his way in November. In May, AOC announced she had been selected to co-chair Biden’s climate change panel along with former Democratic presidential nominee [[John Kerry]]. In a statement to Reuters after news broke that AOC was joining Biden’s climate change panel, a spokesperson for the Democratic socialist said the congresswoman believed in applying pressure “both inside and outside the system.” **[https://nypost.com/2020/07/14/joe-biden-unveils-his-2t-aoc-fueled-green-new-deal-energy-agenda/ ''New York Post,'' Joe Biden unveils his $2T AOC-fueled Green New Deal energy agenda, by Ebony Bowden], (14 July 2020) *This is the hood that spawned Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, one of the country’s most privileged revolutionaries.<br>She called herself Sandy Cortez back then.<br>She imagined that every place could be just like Yorktown Heights if only we got rid of the police.<br>Apparently, she still believes that. **[https://www.foxnews.com/media/tucker-carlson-alexandria-ocasio-cortez-defund-police 14 July 2020 article by Yael Halon] quoting [[Tucker Carlson]] *The best part of the night, by any metric, was the eye-blink time slot afforded Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez to second Bernie Sanders’s nomination. Her [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1bxBgq88wnM&ab_channel=TheHill remarks were a song, a poem of hope and defiance], and they speak better for themselves than I ever could... One minute and 37 seconds out of a program two hours in length, and Representative Ocasio-Cortez made the most of all of it. Imagine if she had been given the same amount of time as Kasich, or Powell, or even the commercials CNN ran during the roll call? Well, maybe by 2024, the Democratic establishment will have realized which way the tide is running, Biden or no Biden, and give the ever-rising progressive wing of the party its due. **[https://truthout.org/articles/aoc-was-the-highlight-of-dncs-night-two-despite-speaking-just-97-seconds/ AOC Was the Highlight of DNC’s Night Two Despite Speaking Just 97 Seconds, William Rivers Pitt, ''Truthout''] August 18, 2020. * AOC embodies the kind of leadership we dream of: brilliant, courageous, and gifted, with a quick mind and an understanding of our history and the political moment from which she emerged. And most importantly to me, she believes in environmental justice. ** [[Elizabeth Yeampierre]] in ''AOC: The Fearless Rise and Powerful Resonance of Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez'' (2020) ===2019=== *Ocasio-Cortez... has repeatedly called out Trump in the past month over his immigration policies, and has compared migrant detention facilities near the southern border to concentration camps. <BR>The comparison prompted backlash from multiple GOP lawmakers, who called her remarks disrespectful to the Holocaust and the millions of Jews killed during it. Ocasio-Cortez has stood by her comments, saying she would "never apologize for calling these camps what they are." <BR>The New York congresswoman reiterated her stance to Yahoo News, arguing that Trump's tendencies compared to that time period. She also held the president directly responsible for the poor conditions at the migrant detention facilities, saying his policies have led to numerous Central Americans fleeing their native countries. **[https://thehill.com/homenews/house/451601-ocasio-cortez-says-us-is-headed-to-fascism-under-trump ''Ocasio-Cortez says U.S. is headed to 'fascism' under Trump, The Hill,'' Justin Wise] (3 July 2019) *The right doesn’t dislike @AOC because she's ineffective. They despise her precisely because she communicates boldly, passionately and in a Twitter-native manner. When AOC talks, Republicans know they are losing. **[[Krystal Ball]] in [https://twitter.com/krystalball ''Twitter Post''], (21 June 2019) *Stop the handwringing about @aoc and concentration camps. First of all, she's right. Second of all, she has single-handedly forced a debate about the barbaric and inhumane treatment of migrants at our Southern Border. She is smart, moral and correct. **[[Krystal Ball]] in''Twitter Post'', (19 June 2019) *We see...[[Bernie Sanders]] and [[Elizabeth Warren]] and AOC ... they’re all out there saying, look, we need to do something about [[w:corporate greed|corporate greed]]... the way that they were involved with loans... Over the most of the 20th century... you had [[w:limits on interest rates|caps]]... And then all of a sudden there was [[w:deregulation|deregulation]]. And when deregulation took place, all of this bad stuff started occurring. You know, Wall Street stole from mom and pop. The economy crashed. **[[Mike Papantonio]] in [https://trofire.com/2019/06/02/republicans-democrats-agree-loan-sharks-need-to-be-regulated/ "Republicans & Democrats Agree, Loan Sharks Need To Be Regulated", ''The Ring of Fire,'' ] (2 June 2019) *[[AOC|Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez]] and Senator Bernie Sanders just put postal banking back where it belongs: high on the agenda of those who seek to create a just and equitable United States. On Thursday, the pair drew national attention with the announcement of [https://www.sanders.senate.gov/download/loan-shark-summary2 their Loan Shark Prevention Act], a sweeping plan to “combat the predatory lending practices of America’s big banks and protect consumers who are burdened with exorbitant credit-card interest rates. The legislation imposes a 15 percent federal cap on interest rates and empowers individual states to establish lower limits.” ...modern-day loan sharks... work on Wall Street, where they make hundreds of millions...and head financial institutions like JPMorgan Chase, Citigroup, Bank of America...<BR>Despite what the knee-jerk anti-government echo chamber may tell you, what Americans need now is banking that serves people, not the Wall Street speculators. American Postal Workers Union president Mark Dimondstein...says that the USPS can and should answer the call with “a nonprofit alternative to the big banks”... **[https://www.thenation.com/article/aoc-bernie-sanders-postal-banking-sean-hannity-john-nichols/ ''AOC and Bernie Put Postal Banking Back on the Agenda, The Nation,''] by [[w: John Nichols (Journalist)|John Nichols]] (10 May 2019) * I don't think that she knows who [[Adam Smith]] was. **[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RFxXl9eAWV4] By [[Charlie Munger]] (May 9, 2019) *Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and [[Bernie Sanders|Senator Bernie Sanders]] just put postal banking back where it belongs: high on the agenda of those who seek to create a just and equitable United States. On Thursday, the pair drew national attention with the announcement of [https://www.sanders.senate.gov/download/loan-shark-summary2 their Loan Shark Prevention Act], a sweeping plan to “combat the predatory lending practices of America’s big banks and protect consumers who are burdened with exorbitant credit-card interest rates. The legislation imposes a 15 percent federal cap on interest rates and empowers individual states to establish lower limits.” ...modern-day loan sharks... work on Wall Street, where they make hundreds of millions...and head financial institutions like JPMorgan Chase, Citigroup, Bank of America...<BR>Despite what the knee-jerk anti-government echo chamber may tell you, what Americans need now is banking that serves people, not the Wall Street speculators. American Postal Workers Union president Mark Dimondstein...says that the USPS can and should answer the call with “a nonprofit alternative to the big banks”... **[https://www.thenation.com/article/aoc-bernie-sanders-postal-banking-sean-hannity-john-nichols/ ''AOC and Bernie Put Postal Banking Back on the Agenda, The Nation,''] by [[w: John Nichols (Journalist)|John Nichols]] (10 May 2019) *Denouncing the Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee's new policy of cutting off firms that work with primary challengers as "divisive" and "harmful," Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez on Saturday advised small-dollar donors to stop giving money to the DCCC and instead donate to progressive candidates directly. **[[W:Common Dreams|Common Dreams]]:[https://www.commondreams.org/news/2019/03/30/ocasio-cortez-tells-small-donors-cut-dccc-donations-give-directly-candidates-instead '''Ocasio-Cortez Tells Small Donors to Cut Off DCCC Donations, Give Directly to Candidates Instead,''' Jake Johnson] (30 March 2019) *Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez knows the power she wields as a woman makes some people very uncomfortable ― and she’s learning to use that to her advantage. “The idea that a woman can be as powerful as a man is something that our society can’t deal with,“ the freshman Democrat from New York told The New Yorker in an interview published Monday. “But I am as powerful as a man and it drives them crazy.” Being the object of a sexist label, Ocasio-Cortez said, is helpful in one area: It really throws off her adversaries, including President Donald Trump. *“I can see Trump being enormously upset that a twenty-nine-year-old Latina, who is the daughter of a domestic worker, is helping to build the case to get his financial records,” she said. “I think that adds insult to injury to him.” **[https://www.huffpost.com/entry/alexandria-ocasio-cortez-i-am-as-powerful-as-a-man-and-it-drives-critics-crazy_n_5c7e7afee4b0129e36bec96e?8roAlexandria '''Ocasio-Cortez: ‘I Am As Powerful As A Man’ And It Drives Critics ‘Crazy’''', ''Huffington Post, Alanna Vagianos''] (5 March 2019) * Pompous little twit. You don’t have a plan to grow food for 8 billion people without fossil fuels, or get the food into the cities. Horses? If fossil fuels were banned every tree in the world would be cut down for fuel for cooking and heating. You would bring about mass death. * [[W:Patrick Moore (consultant)|Patrick Moore]], as reported in ''‘Pompous twit will get us all killed’: AOC tweet-tacked over Green New Deal by ex-Greenpeace founder'', 3 Mar, 2019 21:19, [[W:Russia Today|Russia Today]] *Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-N.Y.) went viral again yesterday... thanks to her sharp questioning of Michael Cohen at the House oversight committee hearing... The freshman New York congresswoman “expertly laid a trap” to get President Donald Trump’s tax returns, and “won” the Cohen hearing, according to two raving press accounts. Ocasio-Cortez’s testimony focused primarily on Trump’s alleged deflation of his financial assets in order to lower his tax burden. First, she zeroed in on Trump Links, a golf course in Ocasio-Cortez’s district that was constructed with $127 million in city taxpayer funds. “This doesn’t seem to be the only time the president has benefited at the expense of the public,” Ocasio-Cortez said, pivoting to the heart of the matter: Whether Trump deliberately deflated the value of Trump National Golf Club in Jupiter, Florida, to lower his local property tax bill. Her knack for clever questioning, which is a marked contrast with other members’ preference for grandstanding, is ultimately rooted in a commitment to moving the needle for her constituents. **[[w:Huffington Post|Huffington Post]] [https://www.huffpost.com/entry/alexandria-ocasio-cortez-mastered-michael-cohen-testimony-preparation-staff_n_5c78605ee4b0de0c3fbf4eb9 '''''Behind Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s Masterful Interrogation Of Michael Cohen''',' by Daniel Marans and Paul Blumenthal''] (28 February 2019) *One advantage Ocasio-Cortez has over some colleagues is that she consistently attends even the most mundane committee hearings, since she does not spend any of her day calling donors for money. Her online presence is strong enough that she has chosen to rely on it exclusively to raise contributions in smaller increments. **[[w:Huffington Post|Huffington Post]] [https://www.huffpost.com/entry/alexandria-ocasio-cortez-mastered-michael-cohen-testimony-preparation-staff_n_5c78605ee4b0de0c3fbf4eb9 ''Behind Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s Masterful Interrogation Of Michael Cohen,' by Daniel Marans and Paul Blumenthal''] (28 February 2019) *A viral video of New York Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez using a "Corruption Game" to highlight the need for campaign finance reform during a House Oversight Committee hearing last Wednesday has become the most viewed video of any politician in Twitter history... the 29-year-old lawmaker... [highlighted how easy & legal it is for politicians to] enrich themselves... Her examples ranged from taking "special interest dark money" from corporate PACs to fund a campaign to using hush money payments to make potential scandals disappear and writing laws that benefit donors and then buying stocks in their companies for personal financial gain. **[[w:Newsweek|Newsweek]] [https://www.newsweek.com/alexandria-ocasio-cortezs-corruption-game-speech-now-most-viewed-video-any-1327816 ''Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez's 'Corruption Game' Speech, is Now the Most Viewed Twitter Video of Any Politician, Chantal Da Silva''] (12 February 2019) *During a hearing, the freshman lawmaker created a game in which she pretended to be “a really, really bad guy” who wants to abuse the system as much as possible. Then, in a series of questions, she exposed the world of payoffs, dark money, PACs and more. She even revealed how it was perfectly legal for a lawmaker to invest in an industry, then write laws to benefit that industry. **[https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/alexandria-ocasio-cortez-campaign-finance_us_5c5d246be4b03afe8d6637ff ''Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Exposes The Dark Side of Politics In 5 Incredible Minutes, by Ed Mazza, HuffPost,''] (8 February 2019) *@AOC is on [[NPR]] talking about funding the Green New Deal by decoupling tax revenue from government spending. Heads are exploding across Washington. **[[w:Ryan Grim|Ryan Grim]] on [https://twitter.com/ryangrim/status/1093499120969502720 Twitter,] (7 February 2019) *Not doing a Green New Deal for lack of tax revenue would be like a beaver saying it just can’t afford to build a dam. If you’ve got the sticks and the labor, build the damn dam. **[[w:Ryan Grim|Ryan Grim]] on [https://twitter.com/ryangrim/status/1093499120969502720 Twitter,] (7 February 2019) *Sure, polls show 70 percent of Americans support Medicare-for-all, 74 percent support a wealth tax such as the one proposed by Sen. [[Elizabeth Warren]] (D-Mass.), and Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s proposed 70 percent marginal tax rate finds comfortable majority support. But … [[socialism]]! Surely not... '''Trump would have us believe that these are our only two choices: We can either have smash-and-grab capitalism, where so many hands in the cookie jar has resulted in so many government scandals, and where the top 1 percent have more wealth than the bottom 90 percent, or we can have what’s happening in Venezuela,''' where the economy has collapsed and humanitarian and political crises have ensued... **[[w: Krystal Ball|Krystal Ball]] in [https://thehill.com/opinion/campaign/428879-like-it-or-not-mr-president-many-americans-embrace-democratic-socialism '''''Like It or Not, Mr. President, Many Americans Embrace Democratic Socialism,''' The Hill''] (7 February 2019) *Trump’s dig on socialism means he’s scared, Ocasio-Cortez said after his speech. What really scares the pro-plutocrats on both sides of the political aisle about her, [[Bernie Sanders|Sanders]] and other democratic socialists is that they have become messengers for a compelling message with an actual vision — the simple idea that it’s up to government to intervene and equalize the playing field between the capital that owns the politicians, the system and the rewards, and the general public toiling to provide those rewards. Everybody deserves to live a life of dignity, with their bare-minimum needs met in... “the richest society in history of the world.” It’s an idea whose time has come... **[[w: Krystal Ball|Krystal Ball]] in [https://thehill.com/opinion/campaign/428879-like-it-or-not-mr-president-many-americans-embrace-democratic-socialism '''''Like It or Not, Mr. President,Many Americans Embrace Democratic Socialism''', The Hill''] (7 February 2019) *Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, D-N.Y., and Sen. [[W:Ed Markey|Ed Markey]], D-Mass., think they have a start to a [climate change] solution... They are introducing... a "'''[[AOC's Green New Deal|Green New Deal]]'''", The bill calls for a "10-year national mobilizations" toward accomplishing a series of goals... Among the most prominent... meeting 100 percent of the power demand in the United States through clean, renewable, and zero-emission energy sources... ultimate goal is to stop using fossil fuels entirely... to transition away from nuclear energy In addition... a variety of other lofty goals....upgrading all existing buildings... for energy efficiency.... working with farmers "to eliminate pollution and greenhouse gas emissions... as much as is technologically feasible....while supporting family farms and promoting "universal access to healthy food... Overhauling transportation systems... expanding electric car manufacturing... charging stations everywhere... expanding high-speed rail to "a scale where air travel stops becoming necessary".... guaranteed job "with a family-sustaining wage, adequate family... medical leave, paid vacations.... retirement security.... High-quality health care for all Americans... **[https://www.npr.org/2019/02/07/691997301/rep-alexandria-ocasio-cortez-releases-green-new-deal-outline '''''Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Releases Green New Deal Outline''', by Danielle Kurtzleben, NPR''] (7 February 2019) *A C-SPAN tweet of her nearly four-minute speech garnered 1.16 million views in a little more than 12 hours, setting a record for the most-watched Twitter video from the outlet of any remarks by a House member, according to a tweet from Howard Mortman, C-SPAN’s communications director. By Friday morning, it had surpassed 2.3 million views. **[http://time.com/5506749/alexandria-ocasio-cortezs-house-speech-cspan-record/ ''Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez's First House Speech Broke a C-SPAN Record. Here's What She Said, Time magazine''] (17 January 2019) *It’s no accident that this Green New Deal has been championed by a legislator not yet 30. It’s Ocasio-Cortez’s generation who’ll bear the full brunt of the results of three decades of legislative inertia on climate change. All of us owe it to her generation and future ones to ensure that the political and economic choices she and others face in 20 years won’t be even worse because of our failure of leadership, nerve and imagination today. Timely support of this bold new deal, and the principles it stands for, may in fact be our only hope. **[[W:New York Daily News|New York Daily News]] in [https://www.nydailynews.com/opinion/ny-oped-the-green-new-deal-could-be-our-only-hope-20190115-story.html ''The Green New Deal could be our only hope: In praise of Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez's vision, by Mia MacDonald & Gene Baur''](16 January 2019) *Earlier this month, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez floated the idea of a 70 percent tax rate on incomes over $10 million....The irony of all this is that AOC’s tax proposal finds inspiration not in Karl Marx, but in mainstream American political philosophy... AOC’s proposal reflects a surprisingly moderate view of economic justice. Her plan can trace its intellectual lineage to John Rawls, the giant of American political philosophy. Central to Rawls’ philosophy is a defense of inequality... A rising tide is just, as long as it lifts all boats. John Rawls would applaud AOC’s tax as being wholly consistent with the principles of justice... just 16,000 Americans make more than $10 million per year... literally the 1 percent of the 1 percent. **[[w:Micah Johnson (journalist)|Micah Johnson]] in ''[https://slate.com/news-and-politics/2019/01/alexandria-ocasio-cortez-70-percent-tax-plan-john-rawls.html The Philosophical Roots of Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s 70 Percent Tax Plan, Slate]'' (16 January 2019) *In the last few days... [[Mainstream media|Politico and the New York Times]] have reported that freshman Democratic Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez has ruffled the feathers of fellow congressional Democrats... Ocasio-Cortez’s apparent support for progressive primary challenges against centrist Democrats... [is] one of the most significant ideas the young New York congresswoman has brought... The corporate Democrats who dominate the party’s power structure in Congress should fear losing their seats... And Democratic voters should understand that if they want to change the party, the only path to do so is to change the people who represent them. **[[w:Norman Solomon|Norman Solomon]] in [https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/opinion-democrats-primary-challenges_us_5c3c146fe4b01c93e00b15b4 ''Democrats Are Afraid Of Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Too. And That’s A Good Thing, Huffington Post''] (14 January 2019) *Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez clearly has superpowers. When was the last time a freshman member of Congress was able to not just vault policy issues up the agenda with a remark in an interview or a visit to a protest, but whip much of Washington into such a frenzy of consternation and jealousy?...A young, charismatic, unapologetically progressive Latina booting out a doughy-looking old-school white guy...? ...She has shown some unusual skills... that seem to be driving Republicans absolutely nuts. Despite the occasional misstep, she seems earnest and even joyful (a rare quality), and has become a social media star... Not only is she not afraid of being attacked by Republicans, she's eager to advocate policies like single-payer health care and dramatically higher taxes for the wealthy despite the fact that she knows Republicans will react in horror... Conservatives are appalled by her for much the same reason progressives love her... **[[w:Paul Waldman|Paul Waldman]] in [https://prospect.org/article/alexandria-ocasio-cortez-has-super-powers ''Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Has Super Powers, The American Prospect,''] (13 January 2019) *In an interview, Ocasio-Cortez suggested...'''that income above $10m may need to be taxed up to 70%... Just to be clear: she said that when people earn $10m, the 10 millionth dollar and above should be taxed at a high rate. So unless you earn $10m, she’s not talking about “your” income.''' **[https://www.theguardian.com/profile/nathan-robinson Nathan Robinson] in [https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2019/jan/08/alexandria-ocasio-cortez-70-percent-tax-rich ''Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez is right. A 70% tax on the rich makes sense, The Guardian''] (8 January 2019) *What does Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez know about tax policy? A lot. **[[Paul Krugman|Paul Krugman]] in the [https://www.nytimes.com/2019/01/05/opinion/alexandria-ocasio-cortez-tax-policy-dance.html ''New York Times''] (5 January 2019) *The mere thought of having a young, articulate, telegenic nonwhite woman serve is driving many on the right mad — and in their madness they’re inadvertently revealing their true selves. Some of the revelations are cultural: The hysteria over a video of AOC dancing in college says volumes, not about her, but about the hysterics. But in some ways the more important revelations are intellectual: The right’s denunciation of AOC’s “insane” policy ideas serves as a very good reminder of who is actually insane. **[[w:Paul Krugman|Paul Krugman]] in [https://www.nytimes.com/2019/01/05/opinion/alexandria-ocasio-cortez-tax-policy-dance.html ''What does Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez know about tax policy? A lot.New York Times''] (5 January 2019)] ===2018=== *Ocasio-Cortez was seeking a “first-person idea of what was going on” in America, she told me when we spoke last fall. What she found was that “militarized corporations” were taking over parts of the country, unchecked by political powers. ** [[w:Tim Murphy (American politician)|Tim Murphy]] in "[https://www.motherjones.com/politics/2018/06/alexandria-ocasio-cortez-upset-joe-crowley-dsa-brand-new-congress-1/ How Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Pulled Off the Year’s Biggest Political Upset]", ''Mother Jones'' (June 27, 2018) *She got a call from the executive director of a group called [[Brand New Congress]], a project recently launched by a group of progressive organizers, mostly fellow backers of Vermont Sen. [[Bernie Sanders]], who were frustrated with the party’s entrenched establishment and wanted to train a slate of primary candidates. Would she have any interest in running for Congress? ...To the party’s leadership, Tuesday was a wake-up call; to the the party’s left flank, it was validation of the tactics and messaging they’ve been pushing for months. Start with Brand New Congress. Ocasio-Cortez is the first candidate backed by the organization to unseat an incumbent, which, after all, is the group’s stated aim. The organization, which has backed 26 House and Senate candidates in 2018, was an important incubator during the early phase of her campaign. She attended trainings with the group... and...was in constant contact with other candidates... sharing talking points about issues like Black Lives Matter or pension reform and exchanging best practices for door-knocking. ** [[w:Tim Murphy (American politician)|Tim Murphy]] in "[https://www.motherjones.com/politics/2018/06/alexandria-ocasio-cortez-upset-joe-crowley-dsa-brand-new-congress-1/ How Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Pulled Off the Year’s Biggest Political Upset]", ''Mother Jones'' (June 27, 2018) ==See also== * [[Green New Deal]] == External links == * https://twitter.com/AOC * https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCElqfal0wzzpLsHlRuqZjaA *{{wikipedia-inline}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Ocasio-Cortez, Alexandria}} [[Category:Members of the United States House of Representatives]] [[Category:Social activists]] [[Category:Civil rights activists]] [[Category:LGBT rights activists]] [[Category:Activists from the United States]] [[Category:Educators from the United States]] [[Category:Catholics from the United States]] [[Category:1989 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:People from New York City]] [[Category:Democratic Party (United States) politicians]] [[Category:Democratic socialists]] [[Category:Socialists from the United States]] [[Category:American women]] [[Category:American Jews]] [[Category:Women politicians]] 3cd9en3frw4bgsh5jhx6if040lyo7t9 0 212444 3153170 2900977 2022-08-10T10:33:37Z James Shu 3129159 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Van Darkholme 1.JPG|thumb|I just decided to go full master and change my entire house into a dungeon]] '''[[w:Van Darkholme|Van Darkholme]]''' (born October 24, 1972) is a [[Vietnam]]ese-[[America]]n [[performance artist]] and [[film director]], as well as a photographer. Darkholme is among the few Asian American men working in Western [[gay]] [[porn]] as a director and actor. == Quotes == * There's a fine line between sex sound and taking a dump. ** Source: [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dXsTOpysLNI Van Darkholme TDNコスギ] * My name is Van. I'm 30 years old and I'm from Japan. '''I'm an artist. I'm a performance artist. I'm hired for people to fulfill their fantasies. Their deep, dark fantasies.''' I was gonna be a movie star, with modelling and acting. After a hundred or two auditions and small parts, I decided I had enough. Then I got into escort work. The client requested a lot of fetishes. So I just decided to go full master and change my entire house into a dungeon, dungeon master, with a full dungeon in my house, and its gone really well. [[w:Fisting|Fisting]] is 300 bucks. Usually the guy is pretty much high on popper, to really get relaxed, and I have this long latex glove that goes all the way up to my armpit. Then I put on a surgical latex glove up to my wrist. Just lube it up. It's a long process to get your whole arm up there. But its an intense feeling for the other person, I think for myself too. You go to places that even though it's physical with your hand, for some reason it's also more emotional. It's more psychological too. We both reach the same place, it's really strange at the same time. And I found with a session like that it's really exhausting. ** Source: [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gbdXz53sV3w Van Darkholme Interview] * Fucking slaves, get your ass back here! ** Source: [https://www.pornhub_dot_com/view_video.php?viewkey=ph5a6f2c111b99f&t=8805 House of Detention] * It's bondage gay website. It's all male and it's a little bit for everybody. You know, we're gonna bring in experienced players in SM and Bondage. And also we welcome first timers. I wanna get you know, all different types, you know: the skinhead, leather, tattoo, piercing types. I also wanna bring the Boy♂Next♂Door. The main theme is everyone is getting tied up whether they like it or not. That's the main theme and hot sex. ** Source: [https://www.dailymotion.com/video/x2v3knu Van Darkholme Kink interview] * Straight guys don't know how to clean their ass. ** Source: [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L1YcEGSllYg Van Darkholme Life Lesson: Dirty Ass We Can't] ==External links == {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Darkholme, Van}} [[Category:Actors from the United States]] [[Category:Film directors from the United States]] [[Category:Photographers from the United States]] [[Category:LGBT people]] [[Category:1972 births]] [[Category:Living people]] 62bj80j04z6o07i0w751r0baju5m3pg 0 214817 3153162 3148960 2022-08-10T08:37:40Z CommonsDelinker 13873 Removing "Ronsider.jpg", it has been deleted from Commons by [[commons:User:Wdwd|Wdwd]] because: per [[:c:Commons:Deletion requests/Files in Category:Ron Sider|]]. wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Ron Sider|Ronald James Sider]]''' (17 September 1939 – July 27, 2022) was a Canadian-born American theologian and social activist. ==Quotes== ===''Rich Christians in an Age of Hunger: Moving from Affluence to Generosity'' (2015) === * Physical handicaps, death of a breadwinner, or lack of natural ability may lead some families to become poorer than others. But God does not want such disadvantages to lead to ever-increasing extremes of wealth and poverty with the result that the poor eventually lack the basic resources to earn a decent livelihood. God therefore gave his people a [[w:Jubilee (biblical)|law]] to guarantee that no family would permanently lose its land. ** p. 74 * In an agricultural society, land is capital, so land was the basic means of producing wealth in Israel. At the beginning, ... the land was divided more or less equally among the tribes and families. Apparently God wanted that basic equality of economic opportunity to continue. Hence his command to return all land to the original owners [[w:Jubilee (biblical)|every fifty years]]. Private property was not abolished. Regularly, however, the means of producing wealth was to be equalized&mdash;up to the point of every family having the resources to earn a decent living. ** p. 74 * Yahweh is Lord of all, even of economics. There is no hint here of a sacred law of supply and demand that operates independently of biblical ethics and the Lordship of Yahweh. The people of God should submit to God, and God demands economic justice among his people. ** p. 75 ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Sider, Ron}} [[Category:1939 births]] [[Category:2022 deaths]] [[Category:Theologians from Canada]] [[Category:Pacifists]] [[Category:People from Ontario]] {{religious-stub}} kwp4uazq41y496rb2jdwx819pbhstij 2 215212 3152928 3067539 2022-08-09T14:39:26Z Christian M. (2016) 2888911 wikitext text/x-wiki Hi, I'm Myers. I've started to became an editor on the Wikiquote site to begin with ''[[Ice Age: Collision Course]]'' back in November 2016. As the months passed I've offered to add more quotes for others including ''[[The Lion King II: Simba's Pride]]'', ''[[Finding Dory]]'', ''[[Cars 3]]'', ''[[Cars 2]]'', ''[[Ice Age (2002 film)|Ice Age]]'', ''[[Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs]]'', ''[[Ice Age: Continental Drift]]'', ''[[Avengers: Age of Ultron]]'', ''[[Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2]]'', ''[[Lilo & Stitch]]'', and [[Last words in Disney animated films]] from early February 2017 to early 2018. I've recently published in quotes for most new released movies of ''[[Star Wars: The Last Jedi]]'', ''[[Thor: Ragnarok]]'', ''[[Doctor Strange (film)|Doctor Strange]]'', ''[[Avengers: Infinity War]]'', and ''[[Avengers: Endgame]]''. These was my year for 2017 and 2018. But sometimes when I go to far in publishing quotes, a few users on Wikiquote can help me out on if I should take it easy, including removing quotes that contain vandalism, usually for ''Ice Age: Collision Course'', ''Thor: Ragnarok'', ''Infinity War'', ''[[Spider-Man: Homecoming]]'', ''[[Captain America: Civil War]]'', ''[[Toy Story]]'', ''[[Shrek]]'', ''[[Monsters, Inc.]]'', ''[[Toy Story 2]]'', and the ''[[SpongeBob SquarePants]]'' series 1-3. I'm getting used to this now. But I have made a decision on that if I reach to somewhere at 1,700 to 2,000 publishes, I will retire because of how I react when I did my first publishes due to its wording. Who knows? I might not retire from Wikiquote until the time feels right for me. For any plagiarism or vandalizing I have done onto pages, I am truly sorry for my mistakes. I'm also a user on [https://www.imdb.com IMDb], [https://www.quotes.net Quotes.Net], [https://en.wikipedia.org Wikipedia], and formerly the [https://ideas.fandom.com/wiki/ Ideas Wikia]. '''"SuperMyers1028"''' and [https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Special:Contributions/71.89.20.88 71.89.20.88] were my former sockpuppets. == Pages I've Contributed == * '''''[[Ice Age: Collision Course]]''''' - my first contributed page ever * '''''[[The Lion King II: Simba's Pride]]''''' (and as user [https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Special:Contributions/71.89.20.88 71.89.20.88]) * ''[[Finding Nemo]]'' (as user 71.89.20.88) * ''[[The Fate of the Furious]]'' (and as user 71.89.20.88) * ''[[Finding Dory]]'' * '''''[[Cars 3]]''''' (and as SuperMyers1028) * ''[[Cars 2]]'' * ''[[Ice Age (2002 film)|Ice Age]]'' * ''[[Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs]]'' * ''[[Ice Age: Continental Drift]]'' * ''[[Avengers: Age of Ultron]]'' (and as user SuperMyers1028) * '''''[[Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2]]''''' (and as user SuperMyers1028) * ''[[Guardians of the Galaxy (film)|Guardians of the Galaxy]]'' * ''[[Lilo & Stitch]]'' (and as user 71.89.20.88) * ''[[Star Wars: The Last Jedi]]'' (and as user SuperMyers1028) * ''[[Spider-Man: Homecoming]]'' * ''[[Captain America: Civil War]]'' * ''[[Thor: Ragnarok]]'' (and as user SuperMyers1028) * ''[[Doctor Strange (film)|Doctor Strange]]'' * '''''[[Avengers: Infinity War]]''''' * '''''[[Avengers: Endgame]]''''' * ''[[SpongeBob SquarePants]]'' (Seasons 1-3) (and as user SuperMyers1028) * ''[[Toy Story]]'' * ''[[Shrek]]'' * ''[[Shrek 2]]'' * ''[[Rio 2]]'' * ''[[Monsters, Inc.]]'' * ''[[Toy Story 2]]'' * ''[[Robots (2005 film)|Robots]]'' (and as user SuperMyers1028) * ''[[Black Panther (film)|Black Panther]]'' (and as user SuperMyers1028) * ''[[Beauty and the Beast (1991 film)|Beauty and the Beast]]'' (1991) (and as user SuperMyers1028) * ''[[Beauty and the Beast (2017 film)|Beauty and the Beast]]'' (2017) * ''[[The Lion King]]'' * '''''[[The Lion King 1½]]''''' * '''''[[Clifford's Really Big Movie]]''''' (and as user SuperMyers1028) * ''[[The Transformers: The Movie]]'' * [[Last lines]] * [[Last words in Star Wars media|Last words in ''Star Wars'' media]] * [[Last words in Marvel Cinematic Universe media]] (and as user SuperMyers1028) * '''''[[Last words in Disney animated films]]''''' (and as [https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Special:Contributions/71.89.21.68 71.89.21.68]) * '''''[[Star Wars: Episode III – Revenge of the Sith]]''''' * ''[[Star Wars: Episode II – Attack of the Clones]]'' * ''[[Star Wars: Episode I – The Phantom Menace]]'' * ''[[Return of the Jedi]]'' * ''[[Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker]]'' * ''[[Cars (film)|Cars]]'' * ''[[Spider-Man (2002 film)|Spider-Man]]'' * ''[[Spider-Man 2]]'' * ''[[Iron Man 3]]'' * ''[[Hulk (film)|Hulk]]'' * ''[[Thor (film)|Thor]]'' * ''[[The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge Out of Water]]'' * '''''[[Thomas & Friends: Sodor's Legend of the Lost Treasure]]''''' * ''[[Open Season (2006 film)|Open Season]]'' * ''[[Thomas and the Magic Railroad]]'' * ''[[Justice League (2017 film)|Justice League]]'' * ''[[Star Wars: The Force Awakens]]'' * ''[[Suicide Squad (film)|Suicide Squad]]'' * ''[[Tarzan (1999 film)|Tarzan]]'' * [[Fictional last words in animated television series]] * ''[[Shrek the Third]]'' * ''[[Shrek Forever After]]'' * ''[[Zack Snyder's Justice League]]'' * '''''[[Star Trek Beyond]]''''' (and as user 71.89.21.68) * ''[[Spider-Man: No Way Home]]'' * ''[[Lightyear (film)|Lightyear]]'' nueegj4mpf5r4bj4jyjwjec75ruwcmf 0 215418 3153174 2586084 2022-08-10T10:45:55Z Shekhark20 3129045 /* External links */ wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Orchha|Orchha]]''' (or Urchha) is a town in Niwari district of Madhya Pradesh state, India. The town was established by Rudra Pratap Singh some time after 1501, as the seat of an eponymous former princely state of central India, in the Bundelkhand region. Orchha lies on the Betwa River, 80 km from Tikamgarh & 15 km from Jhansi in Uttar Pradesh. {{geography-stub}} ==Quotes== *When the environs of [[w:Orchha|Orchha]] became the site of the royal standards, an ordinance was issued authorising the demolition of the [[idol]] temple, which [[w:Vir Singh Deo|Bir Singh Deo]] had erected at a great expense by the side of his private palace, and also the [[idols]] contained in it… **[[w:Orchha|Orchha]] (Madhya Pradesh) Shahjahan-Nama The Shahjahan Nama of ‘Inayat Khan, translated by A.R. Fuller and edited and compiled by W.E. Beyley and Z.A. Desai, OUP, Delhi, 1090, p. 161. *At the Bundela capital the Islam-cherishing Emperor demolished the lofty and massive [[temple]] of [[w:Vir Singh Deo|Bir Singh Dev]] near his palace, and erected a mosque on its site. **Orchha (Madhya Pradesh) , Badshah-Nama, by Abdul Hamid Lahori, quoted in Jadunath Sarkar, History of Aurangzeb, Vol. I, p. 15. == External links == * [https://www.mptourism.com/destination-orchha.php Orchha Tourist Places | Madhya Pradesh Tourism] {{wikipedia}} [[Category:Cities in India]] p24n2kc3r4pzpxzhcj8gu4qyde2b8bf 0 218728 3153140 3097097 2022-08-10T04:59:18Z 162.197.99.132 /* Dialogue */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''{{w|Dora and the Lost City of Gold}}''''' is a 2019 American adventure film based on the television series ''[[Dora the Explorer]]''. The film stars {{w|Isabela Moner}} as Dora, {{w|Eugenio Derbez}}, {{w|Michael Peña}}, {{w|Eva Longoria}}, with Jeff Wahlberg as Diego, Nicholas Coombe, and {{w|Madeleine Madden}}. It also features the voices of [[Danny Trejo]] as Boots, {{w|Dee Bradley Baker}}, and {{w|Benicio del Toro}}. {{center|'''Explorer is her middle name.'''{{small|([[#Taglines|taglines]])}}}} :''Directed by James Bobin. Produced by Kristin Burr. Screenplay by Nicholas Stoller and Matthew Robinson.'' ==Dora Márquez== *Hi! I'm Dora! And I'm being chased by a herd of angry pygmy elephants. ''[to camera]'' Can you say "angry pygmy elephants"? ''[ then swung on a vine and luckily ended up out of the way as she came behind the elephants as they charged away from her]'' Better luck next time, angry elephants. * Golden poison frog. Its skin is lethally toxic and can cause full-body paralysis. ''[to camera]'' Can you say "severe neurotoxicity"? Bye, deadly frog. Have a nice day. * Come on, Boots. If you just believe in yourself, anything is possible. * I have to keep going no matter what. * ''[to Alejandro]'' You were wrong about me, Alejandro. I'm not a know-it-all. But by now, I do know you. I knew that you would follow us in here, and I knew that you wouldn't let us take all the risk for you. I knew the final Inca test would carry dire consequences for those who should fail it, which is why ''we'' are over here, and ''you'' well you're standing right there. *''[during the animated sequence]'' Everyone is here! ''[the Grumpy Old Troll, Isa the Iguana, Tico the Squirrel, The Fiesta Trio, and Benny the Bull appear]'' ==Diego Márquez== * ''[to Dora]'' You are ''way'' more energetic than I remember. * ''[Dora: I don't think this is a jungle puzzle. This is a puquio.]'' ''[Sammy: What the flip is a puquio?]'' It's an ancient underground aqueduct. Inca engineers built some of the most elaborate irrigation systems ever devised. Water, from above, using gravity. * ''[during the animated sequence]'' ['''''Dora:''' I'm sure this will pass, it's fine!''] Fine? Are you kidding me? This is incredible! ''[swings on a vine]'' ==Randy Warren== * I can hold my breath for 7 minutes. * Why did I take Mandarin? What are you guys saying? * ''['''Sammy:''' What is happening?!]'' It's the curse! The curse is gonna perish us! We're gonna perish all over the place! * I'm hit! They hit me! I'm bleeding out! I'm losing life force! ''['''Diego:''' Oh, no, no, no! No, it's a juice box. It's just a juice box.]'' * Excuse me. * It's a jungle puzzle. * Look, I was wrong about jungle puzzles. Okay? There's no such thing as a jungle puzzle. * It's a jungle puzzle. It's a real... freaking... jungle puzzle. That is so awesome! I'm sorry I doubted you, movies. ==Sammy Moore== * There's something really icy between you two. Was it the Disco Dork-a Dance? ''[Dora: Well, I'm glad you brought it up.]'' I'm just kidding. I don't actually care. * Who are you? Why are you smart? And what are you doing in my school? * Not sure if I made myself clear earlier, but if you're going to take a shot at the queen, you better not miss. There's nothing more dangerous than a wounded animal. ''['''Dora:''' A lot of things are more dangerous than a wounded animal. A healthy one for a start.]'' Stop. Just stop. I'm watching you. * My parents did not sign a permission slip for the jungle! Why are we here?! Where's the museum?! Why, why, why?! * "Okay"? Okay? No, I'm not okay, okay? I want to go home! I want to be staring at my phone, in an ice-cold room, drinking a frozen coffee beverage! And I know that makes me sound real basic, but that is what I want! Oh, and by the way, the poo song lied. Yeah, it was totally dangerous, arrows rained down on me. I hate it here! Uh! Uh! And I can't even storm off 'cause this jungle will eat me! * No more songs! * Look, I'm really sorry, for having yelled at you Dora. * ''[Randy: It's the Lost Guardians of Parapata.]'' ''[Alejandro: Ridiculous! There are no Lost Guardians! I made them up!]'' No, they're super real, bro. ==Swiper the Fox== * ''[repeated line]'' Oh, man! * Everything you are about to see is true. Except that foxes don't swipe. That is a hurtful stereotype. Brought to you by... The Fox Council of Americas. Thank you. Gracias. * Swiper at the ready! ''['''Powell:''' Whatever happens, get that map.]'' Swiper, yes, swiping. * ''Hola.'' * Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... man! I'm stuck upside-down. * ''['''Powell:''' Good job, Swiper.]'' I know, man. ''['''Powell:''' Get her!]'' * Open this door, man! I'm not joking, man! * ''[singing]'' Guarding the gate, I'm guarding the gate, Swiper is guarding the gate. * Say goodbye to your little friend! * Adios, losers! * And you'll never find it now! * Oh, man, the indignity. ==Alejandro Gutierrez== * ''[first lines]'' Dora, it is you! ''['''Dora:''' Who are you?]'' I'm a friend of your parents. I'm rescuing you, Dora. Come with me if you want to live! * All those that seek Parapata should surely perish. * I ate chile con carne! * I don’t need these clothes anymore! ''[strips from his clothes and runs off in the forest, completely naked]'' * Stop pulling levers, Randy! ''['''Randy:''' I'm trying to find the off switch!]'' * Can you all shut up back there?! I've had to listen to your mindless positivity for three days! Your relentless good nature spirit is a holy nightmare! So just shut up. Shut up! ''['''Elena:''' We're so sorry about that...]'' SHUT UP! No more talking! And definitely no more singing. * ''['''Randy:''' It's the Lost of Guardians of Parapata.]'' Ridiculous! There are no lost guardians! I made them up! ''['''Sammy:''' No, they're super real, bro.]'' * ''[last lines, singing during the ending song '''Hooray! We did it!''']'' Can someone get me out of here? == Others == *'''English teacher''': Where did you transfer from, Dora? *'''Mean Kid''': Oh, hey, look. The Dork-as multiplied. *'''Boots the Monkey''': You're not a kid… but you're not a grown-up either, Dora. You're a teenager. It's a super confusing time. But the fact is you're right - you can't do it by yourself. Good news is you have friends now. And together, anything is possible. == Dialogue == :''[Dora, Diego, Elena, & Cole eat dinner at the table]'' :'''Young Dora and Diego''': Mmm. ''¡Delicioso!'' :'''Young Dora''': ''[to the camera]'' Can you say "delicioso"? ''[Cole and Elena both turn to see who Dora is talking to]'' Say "delicioso"! :'''Cole''': She'll grow out of it. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After being kidnapped and taken from Los Angeles to Peru, Dora, her cousin Diego and their friends Sammy and Randy wake up in a crate...]'' :'''Randy''': ''[wakes up and wakes up his friends]'' What's happening? Where are we? :''[Diego and Sammy wake up, realize their heads are touching and they jump back]'' :''[Dora wakes up, peers at the side of the crate and sees they're being unloaded from a plane]'' :'''Dora''': I think... we're being unloaded from a plane. :'''Sammy''': We're not on a plane. We can't-- ''[peers at the other side of the crate and realizes they're ''on'' a plane]'' Oh, my God, we're on a plane! ''[searches her pockets]'' We've left the country without ID. We need to alert the U.S. consulate. :''[the crate jolts and a forklift carries the crate to the back of the truck. It's morning at a dusty airport. All the mercenaries are gathered.]'' :'''Diego''': Dora, what happened? :'''Dora''': ''[in Spanish]'' Vinieron por mi! Estan tras mis padres! De Parapata! ''[transmitting: "They came for me! They're after my parents, after Parapata!"]'' :'''Diego''': ''[in Spanish]'' En serio? ''[transmitting: "Are you serious?"]'' :'''Sammy''': They're treasure hunters? :'''Randy''': ''[confused]'' Why did I take Mandarin? What are you guys saying? :''[the forklift drops the crate on the truck]'' :'''Diego''': We gotta get out of here. :''[Dora opens her backpack and brings out a large knife]'' :'''Sammy''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, look, Dora brought a knife on the field trip, everybody. :'''Dora''': ''[prys open the lid with the knife and peers out]'' I see 3 mercenaries. Armed. ''[sees someone]'' Wait, there's a fourth. ''[drops back in]'' I think he saw me. ''[puts away the knife]'' He's coming for us. :''[the kids brace themselves]'' :'''Randy''': ''[closes his eyes]'' Okay, I am not here. I'm an avatar. ''[whimpers and screams]'' :''[A bearded man opens the crate with a crowbar and looks in]'' :'''Alejandro''': Dora, it is you! :'''Dora''': (How do you know who I am?) Who are you? :'''Alejandro''': I'm a friend of your parents. I'm rescuing you, Dora. Come with me if you want to live! ''[the truck revs and drives foward, causing Alejandro to fall off the truck]'' :'''Sammy''': Where did he go? :'''Randy''': Did-did he die? :'''Alejandro''': ''[reopens the crate]'' I'm okay, I'm okay! I need your help, but we have to run, now! :''[while a female mercenary is driving the truck, she looks in the mirror and spots the kids running off with Alejandro]'' :'''Christina X''': Boss! :'''Powell''': ''[he and Viper turn around and see them running off]'' Get them! :''[Christina X pulls the brake, stopping the truck]'' :''[Dora, Diego, Randy, Sammy and Alejandro are running to a hanger]'' :'''Sammy''': My parents did not sign a permisson slip for the jungle! Why are we here?! Where's the museum?! Why, why, why?! :'''Dora''': How do we get out of here?! :'''Alejandro''': I don't know! Getting you out of the box was as far as my plan went. :''[Powell whistles for Swiper the Fox and he quickly shows up]'' :'''Swiper''': Swiper at the ready! :'''Powell''': Whatever happens, get that map. :'''Swiper''': ''[salutes]'' Swiper, yes, swipe. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Alejandro''': Are you kids okay? :'''Randy''': ''[throws up]'' Not really. :'''Sammmy''': "Not really"? Understatement of the century. I was just kidnapped and chased by bad guys, and a fox with a mask. Everyone saw that, right? Like, why does that fox need to remain anonymous? Who is gonna recognize one specific fox?! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Randy''': We're on a field trip. :'''Cole''': And where are the mercenaries? :'''Dora''': Alejandro saved us from them, and he's with us. :'''Elena''': Who? :'''Dora''': Your old friend, Alejandro, from the university. You sent him your journal. :'''Cole''': My journal was stolen days before the expedition. :'''Alejandro''': Bravo Team, this is alpha leader. (I told you earlier I was really a bad guy.) :'''Dora''': ''[to her parents]'' You don't know him… do you? ''[Alejandro chuckles]'' Oh, miercoles. :'''Alejandro''': We found them. :'''Elena''': Honey, come here. Get back, kids. :'''Alejandro''': You have my location. :'''Dora''': You lied to me. (Why would you do this?) :'''Alejandro''': No, no, no, no, no. No, I outwitted you... :'''Cole''': That's the same thing. :'''Alejandro''': ...As I have outwitted every adversary that came before you. Who would have believed that my greatest achievement, the final act in the prosperous treasure hunting career, would find me squaring off against a socially inept jungle nerd... :'''Cole''': Hey, hey, hey! :'''Alejandro''': ...And 3 high school losers? :'''Cole''': I don't know them, so whatever. :'''Alejandro''': Now if you please, you will lead me to Parapata. :'''Cole''': But you can't get inside. It's impenetrable. :'''Alejandro''': ''[laughs]'' Impenetrable. :'''Cole''': That means you can't get inside. :'''Alejandro''': I know! :'''Cole''': Okay. :'''Alejandro''': Shut up! You wouldn't want anything happen to her, no, would you? :'''Cole''': Of course not. :'''Alejandro''': Good. Good, good. So, if everyone just plays nice, I'll get my gold, and you'll be on your way safe and sound. You're a smart family, right? So, make the smart choice, hmm? We're moving out! Let's go! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sammy''': What did the Incas fear the most? :'''Alejandro''': That's easy. The same as me. Gold. :'''Randy''': Oh, crud. :'''Alejandro''': Thanks for getting me through the tough stuff for me. Once again, I had to follow Miss Know-It-All, and she led me straight to the gold. ''[laughs]'' Gold, gold. Lots and lots of gold! The answer to the puzzle is obvious. The Incas built monuments and their gods with it. Gold is as close to touching the sun as the Incas could get. ''[places a gold coin on a statue and it moves]'' It's happening. It's happening! IT'S HAPPENING! I beat you, I won. I beat you, I won, I beat you, I won! The treasure is going to be mine! :'''Dora''': You were wrong about me, Alejandro. I'm not a know-it-all, but by now, I do know you. I knew that you would follow us in here, and I knew that you wouldn't let us take all the risk for you. I knew the final Inca test would carry dire consequences for those who should fail it, which is why are over here, and you... well, you're standing right there. :''[A noise is heard and Alejandro steps back. It appears he has set a trap and falls in screaming.]'' :'''Alejandro''': I'm still alive! Powell, Viper, help me! Get in here now! My mercenaries are on their way! This isn't over yet! <hr width=50%/> :'''Randy''': It's the Lost Guardians of Parapata. :'''Alejandro''': Ridiculous! There are no Lost Guardians! (Are there?) I made them up! :'''Sammy''': No, they're super real, bro. == Cast == * {{w|Isabela Moner}} as Dora Márquez :: Cole and Elena's daughter / Sabrina and Nico's niece / Diego's cousin / Randy's love interest / Sammy's friend * {{w|Jeff Wahlberg}} as Diego Márquez :: Dora's cousin / Cole and Elena's nephew / Sabrina and Nico's son / Sammy's love interest / Randy's friend * {{w|Madeleine Madden}} as Sammy Moore :: Diego's love interest / Dora and Randy's friend * Nicholas Coombe as Randy Warren * {{w|Eugenio Derbez}} as Alejandro Gutierrez === Live-action === * Madelyn Miranda as 6-year-old Dora * Malachi Barton as 7-year-old Diego * {{w|Eva Longoria}} as Elena Márquez :: Cole's wife / Dora's mom / Diego's uncle * {{w|Michael Peña}} as Cole Márquez :: Elena's husband / Dora's dad / Diego's aunt * Joey Vieira as Nico Márquez :: Sabrina's husband / Diego's dad / Dora's uncle * {{w|Pia Miller}} as Sabrina Márquez :: Nico's wife / Diego's mom / Dora's aunt * {{w|Temuera Morrison}} as Powell * {{w|Adriana Barraza}} as Abuelita Valerie * {{w|Q'orianka Kilcher}} as Princess Kawillaka * {{w|Isela Vega}} as Old Woman === Voices === * [[Danny Trejo]] as Boots the Monkey * {{w|Benicio del Toro}} as Swiper the Fox * {{w|Marc Weiner}} as Map * {{w|Sasha Toro}} as Backpack * {{w|Dee Bradley Baker}} as Animal Vocal Effects == External links == {{wikipedia}} [[Category:2019 films]] [[Category:American films]] [[Category:Adventure films]] [[Category:Comedy films]] [[Category:Fantasy films]] [[Category:American films with live action and animation]] [[Category:Nickelodeon films]] [[Category:Live-action films based on animated series]] [[Category:Films about foxes]] [[Category:Films about friendship]] [[Category:Films set in California]] [[Category:Films set in Los Angeles]] [[Category:Films set in jungles]] [[Category:Films directed by James Bobin]] fajk3hfqnadmil1i8avib19n65if8uk 3153141 3153140 2022-08-10T04:59:38Z 162.197.99.132 /* Dialogue */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''{{w|Dora and the Lost City of Gold}}''''' is a 2019 American adventure film based on the television series ''[[Dora the Explorer]]''. The film stars {{w|Isabela Moner}} as Dora, {{w|Eugenio Derbez}}, {{w|Michael Peña}}, {{w|Eva Longoria}}, with Jeff Wahlberg as Diego, Nicholas Coombe, and {{w|Madeleine Madden}}. It also features the voices of [[Danny Trejo]] as Boots, {{w|Dee Bradley Baker}}, and {{w|Benicio del Toro}}. {{center|'''Explorer is her middle name.'''{{small|([[#Taglines|taglines]])}}}} :''Directed by James Bobin. Produced by Kristin Burr. Screenplay by Nicholas Stoller and Matthew Robinson.'' ==Dora Márquez== *Hi! I'm Dora! And I'm being chased by a herd of angry pygmy elephants. ''[to camera]'' Can you say "angry pygmy elephants"? ''[ then swung on a vine and luckily ended up out of the way as she came behind the elephants as they charged away from her]'' Better luck next time, angry elephants. * Golden poison frog. Its skin is lethally toxic and can cause full-body paralysis. ''[to camera]'' Can you say "severe neurotoxicity"? Bye, deadly frog. Have a nice day. * Come on, Boots. If you just believe in yourself, anything is possible. * I have to keep going no matter what. * ''[to Alejandro]'' You were wrong about me, Alejandro. I'm not a know-it-all. But by now, I do know you. I knew that you would follow us in here, and I knew that you wouldn't let us take all the risk for you. I knew the final Inca test would carry dire consequences for those who should fail it, which is why ''we'' are over here, and ''you'' well you're standing right there. *''[during the animated sequence]'' Everyone is here! ''[the Grumpy Old Troll, Isa the Iguana, Tico the Squirrel, The Fiesta Trio, and Benny the Bull appear]'' ==Diego Márquez== * ''[to Dora]'' You are ''way'' more energetic than I remember. * ''[Dora: I don't think this is a jungle puzzle. This is a puquio.]'' ''[Sammy: What the flip is a puquio?]'' It's an ancient underground aqueduct. Inca engineers built some of the most elaborate irrigation systems ever devised. Water, from above, using gravity. * ''[during the animated sequence]'' ['''''Dora:''' I'm sure this will pass, it's fine!''] Fine? Are you kidding me? This is incredible! ''[swings on a vine]'' ==Randy Warren== * I can hold my breath for 7 minutes. * Why did I take Mandarin? What are you guys saying? * ''['''Sammy:''' What is happening?!]'' It's the curse! The curse is gonna perish us! We're gonna perish all over the place! * I'm hit! They hit me! I'm bleeding out! I'm losing life force! ''['''Diego:''' Oh, no, no, no! No, it's a juice box. It's just a juice box.]'' * Excuse me. * It's a jungle puzzle. * Look, I was wrong about jungle puzzles. Okay? There's no such thing as a jungle puzzle. * It's a jungle puzzle. It's a real... freaking... jungle puzzle. That is so awesome! I'm sorry I doubted you, movies. ==Sammy Moore== * There's something really icy between you two. Was it the Disco Dork-a Dance? ''[Dora: Well, I'm glad you brought it up.]'' I'm just kidding. I don't actually care. * Who are you? Why are you smart? And what are you doing in my school? * Not sure if I made myself clear earlier, but if you're going to take a shot at the queen, you better not miss. There's nothing more dangerous than a wounded animal. ''['''Dora:''' A lot of things are more dangerous than a wounded animal. A healthy one for a start.]'' Stop. Just stop. I'm watching you. * My parents did not sign a permission slip for the jungle! Why are we here?! Where's the museum?! Why, why, why?! * "Okay"? Okay? No, I'm not okay, okay? I want to go home! I want to be staring at my phone, in an ice-cold room, drinking a frozen coffee beverage! And I know that makes me sound real basic, but that is what I want! Oh, and by the way, the poo song lied. Yeah, it was totally dangerous, arrows rained down on me. I hate it here! Uh! Uh! And I can't even storm off 'cause this jungle will eat me! * No more songs! * Look, I'm really sorry, for having yelled at you Dora. * ''[Randy: It's the Lost Guardians of Parapata.]'' ''[Alejandro: Ridiculous! There are no Lost Guardians! I made them up!]'' No, they're super real, bro. ==Swiper the Fox== * ''[repeated line]'' Oh, man! * Everything you are about to see is true. Except that foxes don't swipe. That is a hurtful stereotype. Brought to you by... The Fox Council of Americas. Thank you. Gracias. * Swiper at the ready! ''['''Powell:''' Whatever happens, get that map.]'' Swiper, yes, swiping. * ''Hola.'' * Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... man! I'm stuck upside-down. * ''['''Powell:''' Good job, Swiper.]'' I know, man. ''['''Powell:''' Get her!]'' * Open this door, man! I'm not joking, man! * ''[singing]'' Guarding the gate, I'm guarding the gate, Swiper is guarding the gate. * Say goodbye to your little friend! * Adios, losers! * And you'll never find it now! * Oh, man, the indignity. ==Alejandro Gutierrez== * ''[first lines]'' Dora, it is you! ''['''Dora:''' Who are you?]'' I'm a friend of your parents. I'm rescuing you, Dora. Come with me if you want to live! * All those that seek Parapata should surely perish. * I ate chile con carne! * I don’t need these clothes anymore! ''[strips from his clothes and runs off in the forest, completely naked]'' * Stop pulling levers, Randy! ''['''Randy:''' I'm trying to find the off switch!]'' * Can you all shut up back there?! I've had to listen to your mindless positivity for three days! Your relentless good nature spirit is a holy nightmare! So just shut up. Shut up! ''['''Elena:''' We're so sorry about that...]'' SHUT UP! No more talking! And definitely no more singing. * ''['''Randy:''' It's the Lost of Guardians of Parapata.]'' Ridiculous! There are no lost guardians! I made them up! ''['''Sammy:''' No, they're super real, bro.]'' * ''[last lines, singing during the ending song '''Hooray! We did it!''']'' Can someone get me out of here? == Others == *'''English teacher''': Where did you transfer from, Dora? *'''Mean Kid''': Oh, hey, look. The Dork-as multiplied. *'''Boots the Monkey''': You're not a kid… but you're not a grown-up either, Dora. You're a teenager. It's a super confusing time. But the fact is you're right - you can't do it by yourself. Good news is you have friends now. And together, anything is possible. == Dialogue == :''[Dora, Diego, Elena, & Cole eat dinner at the table]'' :'''Young Dora and Diego''': Mmm. ''¡Delicioso!'' :'''Young Dora''': ''[to the camera]'' Can you say "delicioso"? ''[Cole and Elena both turn to see who she's talking to]'' Say "delicioso"! :'''Cole''': She'll grow out of it. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After being kidnapped and taken from Los Angeles to Peru, Dora, her cousin Diego and their friends Sammy and Randy wake up in a crate...]'' :'''Randy''': ''[wakes up and wakes up his friends]'' What's happening? Where are we? :''[Diego and Sammy wake up, realize their heads are touching and they jump back]'' :''[Dora wakes up, peers at the side of the crate and sees they're being unloaded from a plane]'' :'''Dora''': I think... we're being unloaded from a plane. :'''Sammy''': We're not on a plane. We can't-- ''[peers at the other side of the crate and realizes they're ''on'' a plane]'' Oh, my God, we're on a plane! ''[searches her pockets]'' We've left the country without ID. We need to alert the U.S. consulate. :''[the crate jolts and a forklift carries the crate to the back of the truck. It's morning at a dusty airport. All the mercenaries are gathered.]'' :'''Diego''': Dora, what happened? :'''Dora''': ''[in Spanish]'' Vinieron por mi! Estan tras mis padres! De Parapata! ''[transmitting: "They came for me! They're after my parents, after Parapata!"]'' :'''Diego''': ''[in Spanish]'' En serio? ''[transmitting: "Are you serious?"]'' :'''Sammy''': They're treasure hunters? :'''Randy''': ''[confused]'' Why did I take Mandarin? What are you guys saying? :''[the forklift drops the crate on the truck]'' :'''Diego''': We gotta get out of here. :''[Dora opens her backpack and brings out a large knife]'' :'''Sammy''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, look, Dora brought a knife on the field trip, everybody. :'''Dora''': ''[prys open the lid with the knife and peers out]'' I see 3 mercenaries. Armed. ''[sees someone]'' Wait, there's a fourth. ''[drops back in]'' I think he saw me. ''[puts away the knife]'' He's coming for us. :''[the kids brace themselves]'' :'''Randy''': ''[closes his eyes]'' Okay, I am not here. I'm an avatar. ''[whimpers and screams]'' :''[A bearded man opens the crate with a crowbar and looks in]'' :'''Alejandro''': Dora, it is you! :'''Dora''': (How do you know who I am?) Who are you? :'''Alejandro''': I'm a friend of your parents. I'm rescuing you, Dora. Come with me if you want to live! ''[the truck revs and drives foward, causing Alejandro to fall off the truck]'' :'''Sammy''': Where did he go? :'''Randy''': Did-did he die? :'''Alejandro''': ''[reopens the crate]'' I'm okay, I'm okay! I need your help, but we have to run, now! :''[while a female mercenary is driving the truck, she looks in the mirror and spots the kids running off with Alejandro]'' :'''Christina X''': Boss! :'''Powell''': ''[he and Viper turn around and see them running off]'' Get them! :''[Christina X pulls the brake, stopping the truck]'' :''[Dora, Diego, Randy, Sammy and Alejandro are running to a hanger]'' :'''Sammy''': My parents did not sign a permisson slip for the jungle! Why are we here?! Where's the museum?! Why, why, why?! :'''Dora''': How do we get out of here?! :'''Alejandro''': I don't know! Getting you out of the box was as far as my plan went. :''[Powell whistles for Swiper the Fox and he quickly shows up]'' :'''Swiper''': Swiper at the ready! :'''Powell''': Whatever happens, get that map. :'''Swiper''': ''[salutes]'' Swiper, yes, swipe. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Alejandro''': Are you kids okay? :'''Randy''': ''[throws up]'' Not really. :'''Sammmy''': "Not really"? Understatement of the century. I was just kidnapped and chased by bad guys, and a fox with a mask. Everyone saw that, right? Like, why does that fox need to remain anonymous? Who is gonna recognize one specific fox?! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Randy''': We're on a field trip. :'''Cole''': And where are the mercenaries? :'''Dora''': Alejandro saved us from them, and he's with us. :'''Elena''': Who? :'''Dora''': Your old friend, Alejandro, from the university. You sent him your journal. :'''Cole''': My journal was stolen days before the expedition. :'''Alejandro''': Bravo Team, this is alpha leader. (I told you earlier I was really a bad guy.) :'''Dora''': ''[to her parents]'' You don't know him… do you? ''[Alejandro chuckles]'' Oh, miercoles. :'''Alejandro''': We found them. :'''Elena''': Honey, come here. Get back, kids. :'''Alejandro''': You have my location. :'''Dora''': You lied to me. (Why would you do this?) :'''Alejandro''': No, no, no, no, no. No, I outwitted you... :'''Cole''': That's the same thing. :'''Alejandro''': ...As I have outwitted every adversary that came before you. Who would have believed that my greatest achievement, the final act in the prosperous treasure hunting career, would find me squaring off against a socially inept jungle nerd... :'''Cole''': Hey, hey, hey! :'''Alejandro''': ...And 3 high school losers? :'''Cole''': I don't know them, so whatever. :'''Alejandro''': Now if you please, you will lead me to Parapata. :'''Cole''': But you can't get inside. It's impenetrable. :'''Alejandro''': ''[laughs]'' Impenetrable. :'''Cole''': That means you can't get inside. :'''Alejandro''': I know! :'''Cole''': Okay. :'''Alejandro''': Shut up! You wouldn't want anything happen to her, no, would you? :'''Cole''': Of course not. :'''Alejandro''': Good. Good, good. So, if everyone just plays nice, I'll get my gold, and you'll be on your way safe and sound. You're a smart family, right? So, make the smart choice, hmm? We're moving out! Let's go! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sammy''': What did the Incas fear the most? :'''Alejandro''': That's easy. The same as me. Gold. :'''Randy''': Oh, crud. :'''Alejandro''': Thanks for getting me through the tough stuff for me. Once again, I had to follow Miss Know-It-All, and she led me straight to the gold. ''[laughs]'' Gold, gold. Lots and lots of gold! The answer to the puzzle is obvious. The Incas built monuments and their gods with it. Gold is as close to touching the sun as the Incas could get. ''[places a gold coin on a statue and it moves]'' It's happening. It's happening! IT'S HAPPENING! I beat you, I won. I beat you, I won, I beat you, I won! The treasure is going to be mine! :'''Dora''': You were wrong about me, Alejandro. I'm not a know-it-all, but by now, I do know you. I knew that you would follow us in here, and I knew that you wouldn't let us take all the risk for you. I knew the final Inca test would carry dire consequences for those who should fail it, which is why are over here, and you... well, you're standing right there. :''[A noise is heard and Alejandro steps back. It appears he has set a trap and falls in screaming.]'' :'''Alejandro''': I'm still alive! Powell, Viper, help me! Get in here now! My mercenaries are on their way! This isn't over yet! <hr width=50%/> :'''Randy''': It's the Lost Guardians of Parapata. :'''Alejandro''': Ridiculous! There are no Lost Guardians! (Are there?) I made them up! :'''Sammy''': No, they're super real, bro. == Cast == * {{w|Isabela Moner}} as Dora Márquez :: Cole and Elena's daughter / Sabrina and Nico's niece / Diego's cousin / Randy's love interest / Sammy's friend * {{w|Jeff Wahlberg}} as Diego Márquez :: Dora's cousin / Cole and Elena's nephew / Sabrina and Nico's son / Sammy's love interest / Randy's friend * {{w|Madeleine Madden}} as Sammy Moore :: Diego's love interest / Dora and Randy's friend * Nicholas Coombe as Randy Warren * {{w|Eugenio Derbez}} as Alejandro Gutierrez === Live-action === * Madelyn Miranda as 6-year-old Dora * Malachi Barton as 7-year-old Diego * {{w|Eva Longoria}} as Elena Márquez :: Cole's wife / Dora's mom / Diego's uncle * {{w|Michael Peña}} as Cole Márquez :: Elena's husband / Dora's dad / Diego's aunt * Joey Vieira as Nico Márquez :: Sabrina's husband / Diego's dad / Dora's uncle * {{w|Pia Miller}} as Sabrina Márquez :: Nico's wife / Diego's mom / Dora's aunt * {{w|Temuera Morrison}} as Powell * {{w|Adriana Barraza}} as Abuelita Valerie * {{w|Q'orianka Kilcher}} as Princess Kawillaka * {{w|Isela Vega}} as Old Woman === Voices === * [[Danny Trejo]] as Boots the Monkey * {{w|Benicio del Toro}} as Swiper the Fox * {{w|Marc Weiner}} as Map * {{w|Sasha Toro}} as Backpack * {{w|Dee Bradley Baker}} as Animal Vocal Effects == External links == {{wikipedia}} [[Category:2019 films]] [[Category:American films]] [[Category:Adventure films]] [[Category:Comedy films]] [[Category:Fantasy films]] [[Category:American films with live action and animation]] [[Category:Nickelodeon films]] [[Category:Live-action films based on animated series]] [[Category:Films about foxes]] [[Category:Films about friendship]] [[Category:Films set in California]] [[Category:Films set in Los Angeles]] [[Category:Films set in jungles]] [[Category:Films directed by James Bobin]] srjl4p5ak21g9p8wosxnentcm90aoq6 3153143 3153141 2022-08-10T05:02:19Z 162.197.99.132 /* Swiper the Fox */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''{{w|Dora and the Lost City of Gold}}''''' is a 2019 American adventure film based on the television series ''[[Dora the Explorer]]''. The film stars {{w|Isabela Moner}} as Dora, {{w|Eugenio Derbez}}, {{w|Michael Peña}}, {{w|Eva Longoria}}, with Jeff Wahlberg as Diego, Nicholas Coombe, and {{w|Madeleine Madden}}. It also features the voices of [[Danny Trejo]] as Boots, {{w|Dee Bradley Baker}}, and {{w|Benicio del Toro}}. {{center|'''Explorer is her middle name.'''{{small|([[#Taglines|taglines]])}}}} :''Directed by James Bobin. Produced by Kristin Burr. Screenplay by Nicholas Stoller and Matthew Robinson.'' ==Dora Márquez== *Hi! I'm Dora! And I'm being chased by a herd of angry pygmy elephants. ''[to camera]'' Can you say "angry pygmy elephants"? ''[ then swung on a vine and luckily ended up out of the way as she came behind the elephants as they charged away from her]'' Better luck next time, angry elephants. * Golden poison frog. Its skin is lethally toxic and can cause full-body paralysis. ''[to camera]'' Can you say "severe neurotoxicity"? Bye, deadly frog. Have a nice day. * Come on, Boots. If you just believe in yourself, anything is possible. * I have to keep going no matter what. * ''[to Alejandro]'' You were wrong about me, Alejandro. I'm not a know-it-all. But by now, I do know you. I knew that you would follow us in here, and I knew that you wouldn't let us take all the risk for you. I knew the final Inca test would carry dire consequences for those who should fail it, which is why ''we'' are over here, and ''you'' well you're standing right there. *''[during the animated sequence]'' Everyone is here! ''[the Grumpy Old Troll, Isa the Iguana, Tico the Squirrel, The Fiesta Trio, and Benny the Bull appear]'' ==Diego Márquez== * ''[to Dora]'' You are ''way'' more energetic than I remember. * ''[Dora: I don't think this is a jungle puzzle. This is a puquio.]'' ''[Sammy: What the flip is a puquio?]'' It's an ancient underground aqueduct. Inca engineers built some of the most elaborate irrigation systems ever devised. Water, from above, using gravity. * ''[during the animated sequence]'' ['''''Dora:''' I'm sure this will pass, it's fine!''] Fine? Are you kidding me? This is incredible! ''[swings on a vine]'' ==Randy Warren== * I can hold my breath for 7 minutes. * Why did I take Mandarin? What are you guys saying? * ''['''Sammy:''' What is happening?!]'' It's the curse! The curse is gonna perish us! We're gonna perish all over the place! * I'm hit! They hit me! I'm bleeding out! I'm losing life force! ''['''Diego:''' Oh, no, no, no! No, it's a juice box. It's just a juice box.]'' * Excuse me. * It's a jungle puzzle. * Look, I was wrong about jungle puzzles. Okay? There's no such thing as a jungle puzzle. * It's a jungle puzzle. It's a real... freaking... jungle puzzle. That is so awesome! I'm sorry I doubted you, movies. ==Sammy Moore== * There's something really icy between you two. Was it the Disco Dork-a Dance? ''[Dora: Well, I'm glad you brought it up.]'' I'm just kidding. I don't actually care. * Who are you? Why are you smart? And what are you doing in my school? * Not sure if I made myself clear earlier, but if you're going to take a shot at the queen, you better not miss. There's nothing more dangerous than a wounded animal. ''['''Dora:''' A lot of things are more dangerous than a wounded animal. A healthy one for a start.]'' Stop. Just stop. I'm watching you. * My parents did not sign a permission slip for the jungle! Why are we here?! Where's the museum?! Why, why, why?! * "Okay"? Okay? No, I'm not okay, okay? I want to go home! I want to be staring at my phone, in an ice-cold room, drinking a frozen coffee beverage! And I know that makes me sound real basic, but that is what I want! Oh, and by the way, the poo song lied. Yeah, it was totally dangerous, arrows rained down on me. I hate it here! Uh! Uh! And I can't even storm off 'cause this jungle will eat me! * No more songs! * Look, I'm really sorry, for having yelled at you Dora. * ''[Randy: It's the Lost Guardians of Parapata.]'' ''[Alejandro: Ridiculous! There are no Lost Guardians! I made them up!]'' No, they're super real, bro. ==Swiper the Fox== * ''[repeated line]'' Oh, man! * Everything you are about to see is true. Except that foxes don't swipe. That is a hurtful stereotype. Brought to you by... The Fox Council of Americas. Thank you. Gracias. * Swiper at the ready! ''['''Powell:''' Whatever happens, get that map.]'' Swiper, yes, swiping. * ''Hola.'' * Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... man! I'm stuck upside-down. * ''['''Powell:''' Good job, Swiper.]'' I know, man. ''['''Powell:''' Get her!]'' * Open this door, man! I'm not joking, man! * ''[singing]'' Guarding the gate, I'm guarding the gate, Swiper is guarding the gate. * Say goodbye to your little friend! * Adios, losers! * And you'll never find it now! * Get off me, monkey! * Oh, man, the indignity. ==Alejandro Gutierrez== * ''[first lines]'' Dora, it is you! ''['''Dora:''' Who are you?]'' I'm a friend of your parents. I'm rescuing you, Dora. Come with me if you want to live! * All those that seek Parapata should surely perish. * I ate chile con carne! * I don’t need these clothes anymore! ''[strips from his clothes and runs off in the forest, completely naked]'' * Stop pulling levers, Randy! ''['''Randy:''' I'm trying to find the off switch!]'' * Can you all shut up back there?! I've had to listen to your mindless positivity for three days! Your relentless good nature spirit is a holy nightmare! So just shut up. Shut up! ''['''Elena:''' We're so sorry about that...]'' SHUT UP! No more talking! And definitely no more singing. * ''['''Randy:''' It's the Lost of Guardians of Parapata.]'' Ridiculous! There are no lost guardians! I made them up! ''['''Sammy:''' No, they're super real, bro.]'' * ''[last lines, singing during the ending song '''Hooray! We did it!''']'' Can someone get me out of here? == Others == *'''English teacher''': Where did you transfer from, Dora? *'''Mean Kid''': Oh, hey, look. The Dork-as multiplied. *'''Boots the Monkey''': You're not a kid… but you're not a grown-up either, Dora. You're a teenager. It's a super confusing time. But the fact is you're right - you can't do it by yourself. Good news is you have friends now. And together, anything is possible. == Dialogue == :''[Dora, Diego, Elena, & Cole eat dinner at the table]'' :'''Young Dora and Diego''': Mmm. ''¡Delicioso!'' :'''Young Dora''': ''[to the camera]'' Can you say "delicioso"? ''[Cole and Elena both turn to see who she's talking to]'' Say "delicioso"! :'''Cole''': She'll grow out of it. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After being kidnapped and taken from Los Angeles to Peru, Dora, her cousin Diego and their friends Sammy and Randy wake up in a crate...]'' :'''Randy''': ''[wakes up and wakes up his friends]'' What's happening? Where are we? :''[Diego and Sammy wake up, realize their heads are touching and they jump back]'' :''[Dora wakes up, peers at the side of the crate and sees they're being unloaded from a plane]'' :'''Dora''': I think... we're being unloaded from a plane. :'''Sammy''': We're not on a plane. We can't-- ''[peers at the other side of the crate and realizes they're ''on'' a plane]'' Oh, my God, we're on a plane! ''[searches her pockets]'' We've left the country without ID. We need to alert the U.S. consulate. :''[the crate jolts and a forklift carries the crate to the back of the truck. It's morning at a dusty airport. All the mercenaries are gathered.]'' :'''Diego''': Dora, what happened? :'''Dora''': ''[in Spanish]'' Vinieron por mi! Estan tras mis padres! De Parapata! ''[transmitting: "They came for me! They're after my parents, after Parapata!"]'' :'''Diego''': ''[in Spanish]'' En serio? ''[transmitting: "Are you serious?"]'' :'''Sammy''': They're treasure hunters? :'''Randy''': ''[confused]'' Why did I take Mandarin? What are you guys saying? :''[the forklift drops the crate on the truck]'' :'''Diego''': We gotta get out of here. :''[Dora opens her backpack and brings out a large knife]'' :'''Sammy''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, look, Dora brought a knife on the field trip, everybody. :'''Dora''': ''[prys open the lid with the knife and peers out]'' I see 3 mercenaries. Armed. ''[sees someone]'' Wait, there's a fourth. ''[drops back in]'' I think he saw me. ''[puts away the knife]'' He's coming for us. :''[the kids brace themselves]'' :'''Randy''': ''[closes his eyes]'' Okay, I am not here. I'm an avatar. ''[whimpers and screams]'' :''[A bearded man opens the crate with a crowbar and looks in]'' :'''Alejandro''': Dora, it is you! :'''Dora''': (How do you know who I am?) Who are you? :'''Alejandro''': I'm a friend of your parents. I'm rescuing you, Dora. Come with me if you want to live! ''[the truck revs and drives foward, causing Alejandro to fall off the truck]'' :'''Sammy''': Where did he go? :'''Randy''': Did-did he die? :'''Alejandro''': ''[reopens the crate]'' I'm okay, I'm okay! I need your help, but we have to run, now! :''[while a female mercenary is driving the truck, she looks in the mirror and spots the kids running off with Alejandro]'' :'''Christina X''': Boss! :'''Powell''': ''[he and Viper turn around and see them running off]'' Get them! :''[Christina X pulls the brake, stopping the truck]'' :''[Dora, Diego, Randy, Sammy and Alejandro are running to a hanger]'' :'''Sammy''': My parents did not sign a permisson slip for the jungle! Why are we here?! Where's the museum?! Why, why, why?! :'''Dora''': How do we get out of here?! :'''Alejandro''': I don't know! Getting you out of the box was as far as my plan went. :''[Powell whistles for Swiper the Fox and he quickly shows up]'' :'''Swiper''': Swiper at the ready! :'''Powell''': Whatever happens, get that map. :'''Swiper''': ''[salutes]'' Swiper, yes, swipe. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Alejandro''': Are you kids okay? :'''Randy''': ''[throws up]'' Not really. :'''Sammmy''': "Not really"? Understatement of the century. I was just kidnapped and chased by bad guys, and a fox with a mask. Everyone saw that, right? Like, why does that fox need to remain anonymous? Who is gonna recognize one specific fox?! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Randy''': We're on a field trip. :'''Cole''': And where are the mercenaries? :'''Dora''': Alejandro saved us from them, and he's with us. :'''Elena''': Who? :'''Dora''': Your old friend, Alejandro, from the university. You sent him your journal. :'''Cole''': My journal was stolen days before the expedition. :'''Alejandro''': Bravo Team, this is alpha leader. (I told you earlier I was really a bad guy.) :'''Dora''': ''[to her parents]'' You don't know him… do you? ''[Alejandro chuckles]'' Oh, miercoles. :'''Alejandro''': We found them. :'''Elena''': Honey, come here. Get back, kids. :'''Alejandro''': You have my location. :'''Dora''': You lied to me. (Why would you do this?) :'''Alejandro''': No, no, no, no, no. No, I outwitted you... :'''Cole''': That's the same thing. :'''Alejandro''': ...As I have outwitted every adversary that came before you. Who would have believed that my greatest achievement, the final act in the prosperous treasure hunting career, would find me squaring off against a socially inept jungle nerd... :'''Cole''': Hey, hey, hey! :'''Alejandro''': ...And 3 high school losers? :'''Cole''': I don't know them, so whatever. :'''Alejandro''': Now if you please, you will lead me to Parapata. :'''Cole''': But you can't get inside. It's impenetrable. :'''Alejandro''': ''[laughs]'' Impenetrable. :'''Cole''': That means you can't get inside. :'''Alejandro''': I know! :'''Cole''': Okay. :'''Alejandro''': Shut up! You wouldn't want anything happen to her, no, would you? :'''Cole''': Of course not. :'''Alejandro''': Good. Good, good. So, if everyone just plays nice, I'll get my gold, and you'll be on your way safe and sound. You're a smart family, right? So, make the smart choice, hmm? We're moving out! Let's go! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sammy''': What did the Incas fear the most? :'''Alejandro''': That's easy. The same as me. Gold. :'''Randy''': Oh, crud. :'''Alejandro''': Thanks for getting me through the tough stuff for me. Once again, I had to follow Miss Know-It-All, and she led me straight to the gold. ''[laughs]'' Gold, gold. Lots and lots of gold! The answer to the puzzle is obvious. The Incas built monuments and their gods with it. Gold is as close to touching the sun as the Incas could get. ''[places a gold coin on a statue and it moves]'' It's happening. It's happening! IT'S HAPPENING! I beat you, I won. I beat you, I won, I beat you, I won! The treasure is going to be mine! :'''Dora''': You were wrong about me, Alejandro. I'm not a know-it-all, but by now, I do know you. I knew that you would follow us in here, and I knew that you wouldn't let us take all the risk for you. I knew the final Inca test would carry dire consequences for those who should fail it, which is why are over here, and you... well, you're standing right there. :''[A noise is heard and Alejandro steps back. It appears he has set a trap and falls in screaming.]'' :'''Alejandro''': I'm still alive! Powell, Viper, help me! Get in here now! My mercenaries are on their way! This isn't over yet! <hr width=50%/> :'''Randy''': It's the Lost Guardians of Parapata. :'''Alejandro''': Ridiculous! There are no Lost Guardians! (Are there?) I made them up! :'''Sammy''': No, they're super real, bro. == Cast == * {{w|Isabela Moner}} as Dora Márquez :: Cole and Elena's daughter / Sabrina and Nico's niece / Diego's cousin / Randy's love interest / Sammy's friend * {{w|Jeff Wahlberg}} as Diego Márquez :: Dora's cousin / Cole and Elena's nephew / Sabrina and Nico's son / Sammy's love interest / Randy's friend * {{w|Madeleine Madden}} as Sammy Moore :: Diego's love interest / Dora and Randy's friend * Nicholas Coombe as Randy Warren * {{w|Eugenio Derbez}} as Alejandro Gutierrez === Live-action === * Madelyn Miranda as 6-year-old Dora * Malachi Barton as 7-year-old Diego * {{w|Eva Longoria}} as Elena Márquez :: Cole's wife / Dora's mom / Diego's uncle * {{w|Michael Peña}} as Cole Márquez :: Elena's husband / Dora's dad / Diego's aunt * Joey Vieira as Nico Márquez :: Sabrina's husband / Diego's dad / Dora's uncle * {{w|Pia Miller}} as Sabrina Márquez :: Nico's wife / Diego's mom / Dora's aunt * {{w|Temuera Morrison}} as Powell * {{w|Adriana Barraza}} as Abuelita Valerie * {{w|Q'orianka Kilcher}} as Princess Kawillaka * {{w|Isela Vega}} as Old Woman === Voices === * [[Danny Trejo]] as Boots the Monkey * {{w|Benicio del Toro}} as Swiper the Fox * {{w|Marc Weiner}} as Map * {{w|Sasha Toro}} as Backpack * {{w|Dee Bradley Baker}} as Animal Vocal Effects == External links == {{wikipedia}} [[Category:2019 films]] [[Category:American films]] [[Category:Adventure films]] [[Category:Comedy films]] [[Category:Fantasy films]] [[Category:American films with live action and animation]] [[Category:Nickelodeon films]] [[Category:Live-action films based on animated series]] [[Category:Films about foxes]] [[Category:Films about friendship]] [[Category:Films set in California]] [[Category:Films set in Los Angeles]] [[Category:Films set in jungles]] [[Category:Films directed by James Bobin]] femkfd48ajr22khf62rk6444cqggcr2 0 221722 3152933 3138534 2022-08-09T15:03:37Z 2001:F40:907:4F7F:C945:87EF:82E3:1183 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Spider-Man (2018 video game)|Spider-Man]]''''' is a Playstation 4 game developed by [[w:Insomniac Games|Insomniac Games]] and published by [[w:Sony Interactive Entertainment|Sony Interactive Entertainment]]. ==Act I== ===Main Mission - The Main Event=== :''[As the story begins with a spider and we get a look around Peter Parker's apartment, suddenly his phone vibrates as a wake up call for him]'' :'''Police Dispatch''': All units, level four mobilisation. Location-- Fisk Tower. :'''Peter Parker''': Fisk? :''[As he changes into his later ego, Spider-Man, he gets a mail letter telling him to pay his bills]'' :'''Police Dispatch''': SWAT is 10-84 at Fisk Tower. All units standby, warrant is en route. :''[Peter choose to go to Fisk Tower instead, as he swinging off and the plot is set]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Yuri Watanable''': Captain Watanable. :'''Spider-Man''': Did you take him down yet? :'''Yuri Watanable''': No. We're at Fisk Tower, but still waiting on the warrant. :'''Spider-Man''': Mind if I join in on the fun? :'''Yuri Watanable''': You know how his lawyers are…this one needs to go by the book. :'''Spider-Man''': C'mon Yuri, I've been waiting eight years for this. :'''Yuri Watanable''': You really want to help? Head to Times Square, sounds like his guys are trying to keep my backup from reaching the scene… :'''Spider-Man''': You got it - almost there! <hr width=50%/> :'''Spider-Man''': Hello? :'''Boss''': Parker? Where are you? We must run through the demonstration at least once before the grant committee arrives. :'''Spider-Man''': Uhh, yes. Sorry. Yes. Dealing with a personal issue. I'll be in soon. Promise. ''[Hangs up]'' Eesh, better wrap this up quick, then get to my *real* job. <hr width=50%/> :'''Spider-Man''': ''[As he swinging in to Times Square to take down Fisk's men]'' Looks like Yuri called in the cavalry. <hr width=50%/> :''[In Times Square in the middle of a police shoot out]'' :'''Police Officer #1''': We need more backup! :'''Police Officer #2''': 10-32, Times Square. Officers under fire!! :'''Fisk Thug #1''': ''[As he is telling the rest of his gang to cease fire]'' Bring in the hammer. :''[A big tanker truck ram into the police unit's cars just when they think is safe. Then Spidey comes in to safe the unit just when they are about to get executed]'' :'''Fisk Thug #1''': Get him! :'''Spider-Man''': Morning guys! Who's ready for their hot fresh cup of bodily harm? ''[Pauses]'' Gotta warn you, I'm feeling punchy today. <hr width=50%/> :''[Just when Fisk's guys backup comes]'' :'''Spider-Man''': This doesn't look good. :'''Fisk Thug #2''': Somebody just shoot him! :'''Spider-Man''': Man, Fisk has a lot of guys on his payroll… :'''Yuri Watanable''': Spider-Man, what's your status? :'''Spider-Man''': Almost done here. You? :'''Yuri Watanable''': We're about to go in. :'''Spider-Man''': Be there soon. Can't wait to see Willie's face when you slap the cuffs on him. <hr width=50%/> :'''Spider-Man''': ''[All Fisk's guys are taken down in Times Square]'' Okay, Yuri, all done. What's happen-- ''[An explosion has occur in front of Fisk Tower.]'' Yuri?! YURI?! ''(As he rushing there to see what's going on.)'' I knew Fisk wouldn't go quietly. <hr width=50%/> :''[The NYPD is trying to raid through Fisk Tower]'' :'''Yuri Watanable''': Get more backup! And lock down the airspace-- :'''Spider-Man''': Yuri, you okay? :'''Yuri Watanable''': If he makes it out of the building we're gonna lose him. :'''Spider-Man''': I'm gonna go, uh… :''[As the police are getting overwhelmed by thugs]'' :'''Yuri Watanable''': Do your thing. :'''Spider-Man''': Yes! Today's the day, Willie. ''[As he's swinging in the building while dodging bullets and webbing up thugs]'' :'''Fisk Thug #1''': Take him out! :'''Fisk Thug #2''': C'mon, c'mon-- keep shooting! :'''Fisk Thug #3''': Lead him! :'''Spider-Man''': ''(To Fisk's gang)'' Heads up! ''[Thwiping the thugs' heads]'' Hey, where you going? ''[Graps a thug as he breaks through the window]'' ''(To the NYPD)'' Catch! I'll clear a path, follow me! :'''Police Officer #1''': Get outta here, Spider-Man, we got this! :'''Spider-Man''': Sorry to break it to you, but you do NOT got this, buddy. :'''Police Officer #2''': What's Spider-Man doing here-- he's gonna mess everything up! :'''Spider-Man''': Oh. Thanks for the confidence boost, guys! I guess this what they call a hostile workplace. <hr width=50%/> :''[Fisk's thugs have a higher shooting position.]'' :'''Police Officer''': Down, down, down! :'''Spider-Man''': Gotta take those shooters out. <hr width=50%/> :'''Spider-Man''': ''[When all Fisk's men are down for the count]'' I think that's all of 'em! :'''Police Officer #1''': C'mon, c'mon! :''[The elevators suddenly stop working]'' :'''Police Officer #2''': They shut the elevators down! Take the stairs! :'''Spider-Man''': I prefer a more direct approach. ''[He prys the elevator door with his bare hands]'' :'''Yuri Watanabe''': Spider-Man, status? :'''Spider-Man''': ''[While crawling up the elevator shaft]'' Heading to the upper floors-- and hoping nobody turns on the elevators… :'''Yuri Watanabe''': Our choppers are taking fire, looks like Fisk has armed men on every floor. :'''Spider-Man''': He's desperate… :'''Yuri Watanabe''': …and he's hitting us with everything he's got. :'''Spider-Man''': I have to find him and end this. :'''Yuri Watanabe''': Not yet. We just picked up chatter - they're wiping all their data servers. We need that evidence if we want to put him away for good. :'''Spider-Man''': Okay, server room it is. <hr width=50%/> :'''Spider-Man''': ''[As his aunt is calling him]'' Call from May. Better answer. Uh…hi Aunt May. :'''Aunt May''': What is all that noise?! :'''Spider-Man''': Watching a Super Hero movie. What's up? :'''Aunt May''': I just wanted make sure we were still on for dinner tomorrow night. :'''Police Officer''': Hostiles, next floor up! :'''Spider-Man''': Totally. Uh, listen, I gotta go-- :'''Aunt May''': Okay, love you. :'''Spider-Man''': Love you too. <hr width=50%/> :'''Spider-Man''': ''[As Spidey beats up Fisk's men]'' How exactly do you think this ends well for you? On to the next one. Regret your life choices yet? ''[In front of the server room]'' Gotta find that server room before there's no evidence left. If I go in this way they'll destroy all the evidence. I should look for a sneaky way in. ''[Looks and goes through a air vent]'' There we go. Huh. It's like my own private ventrance. Fisk may be a dirty criminal, but he has remarkably clean air vents. :'''Fisk Thug #1''': Hurry up! The boss wants everything erased! :'''Fisk Thug #2''': I can't make it delete any faster. :'''Spider-Man''': ''[As he webs one of the thugs inside the vent]'' They're so cute when they're oblivious. :'''Fisk Thug #1''': How's it coming? :'''Fisk Thug #2''': Halfway there. Just need another minute or two. You think the cops know where we are? :'''Fisk Thug #3''': Don't worry about out there. Worry about in here. :'''Spider-Man''': Is this tech support? I forgot my password. :'''Fisk Thug #4''': Spider-Man! :'''Fisk Thug #5''': Here comes the pain. :'''Automatic Voice''': Warning. Full deletion imminent. :'''Fisk Thug #2''': Stall him! The system's still purging! :'''Spider-Man''': And I thought the IT guys at my last job were rude. ''(thinking)'' Gotta access that console before everything's gone. <hr width=50%/> :''[As Spidey hacks Fisk's computer systems]'' :'''Spider-Man''': Let's see just how good their security is. Oh you guys forgot the latest kernel patch, tsk-tsk... :'''Kingpin''': Hiding in the server room? Cowardly...even for you. :'''Spider-Man''': Says the guy frantically erasing his search history. :'''Kingpin''': After all these years, you're still just an ignorant child... :'''Spider-Man''': True, but that's part of my charm, isn't it? :''[Spidey downloads the evidence before Fisk could destroy it]'' :'''Kingpin''': Damn you. Get that door down, now! Get pass him! Destroy everything! Look around you! I did this! What have you ever done that mattered? :'''Spider-Man''': Well, there was that time I took down a pompous, overstuffed crime lord before breakfast. :'''Kingpin''': Without me, the scum I kept in check will run rampant. And it'll be your fault. :'''Spider-Man''': Been a long, tough road, Fisk. Almost sad to see it end. :'''Kingpin''': Mere prelude. :'''Spider-Man''': Well, get ready for the main event. <hr width=50%/> :'''Spider-Man''': Yuri, an explosion just-- :'''Yuri Watanabe''': I saw it. Fisk could have the whole place wired. I'm sending in a bomb unit. :'''Spider-Man''': I'll make sure no one gets in their way. :'''Fisk Thug''': Kill him! Or the boss'll kill us! Like the fireworks? We got more where that came from! <hr width=50%/> :''[As the bomb squad finally arrived]'' :'''Police Officer''': It 's clear, move up! :'''Spider-Man''': Hey, guys-- I guess bombs are part of Willie's getaway plan. :''[As another explosion has occur]'' :'''Man''': HELP! SOMEBODY! :'''Woman''': AAHH! Help! :'''Spider-Man''': Sounds like they're trapped… :'''Bomb Squad Officer''': You go after them, we'll look for the bombs-- <hr width=50%/> :''[During the trapped civilian room as the fire keeps rising and the debris keeps falling]'' :'''Man''': HELP! SOMEBODY! :'''Spider-Man''': Everyone clear out! Evacuate the building! :''[Spider-Man pulls the doors down to release the civilians]'' :'''Woman''': I heard more people back that way! :'''Spider-Man''': I'll find them. <hr width=50%/> :''[As two people are being crush by the fallen debris]'' :'''Woman''': Spider-Man! We can't move, we're pinned down! :'''Spider-Man''': I'll lift it. When you're free, get out, fast. If you can walk, help the injured. Got it? :'''Woman''': Y-yes. :''[As Spidey lifting the heavy rumble, more keeps falling on him as it gets heavier. But he pushes threw it and lifts it anyway until the civilians are safe]'' :'''Spider-Man''': Go, go, go! :''[As soon as the people are out of harm 's way, he pushes the fallen debris off of him to save himself]'' :'''Woman''': Thank you! He did it! Let's go! :'''Spider-Man''' Okay Willie, comin' your way. <hr width=50%/> :'''Yuri Watanabe''': Spider-Man, it's Yuri. :'''Spider-Man''': How we doing, Captain? :'''Yuri Watanabe''': Could be better. Our choppers took a beating-- we just had to ground our last one. If Fisk calls in a chopper, we have no one to stop it from landing. :'''Spider-Man''': And no one to chase him if he flies away… :'''Yuri Watanabe''': Why do I get the feeling that's what he was planning all along? :'''Spider-Man''': Because he probably was. <hr width=50%/> :'''Spider-Man''': ''[As he sees injured civilians all around him]'' Damn. ''[Calls Yuri]'' Yuri, get EMTs up here-- fast! :'''Yuri Watanabe''': We're trying-- <hr width=50%/> :'''Spider-Man''': ''[One though points a rocket launcher at Spidey]'' Uh-oh-- INCOMING! That's enough out of you… [''More of Fisk's men comes through the doors, all armed with rocket launchers]'' More rockets? Little excessive don't you think? What--? Is it national rocket day or something? <hr width=50%/> :'''Spider-Man''': ''[Spidey is having a tough time parkouring through the scorched up room]'' Man, how'd the bomb squad guys get through this? ''[He encounter some thugs]'' Settle down. I've got enough for everybody. ''[After he finish humiliating the Fisk thugs]'' Okay, room is clear. Bomb squad must be somewhere ahead-- hope they're okay. ''[Goes in the next room and finds them]'' You guys all right? :'''Bomb Squad Officer #1''': We were just about to call for backup. :'''Spider-Man''': I think I'm it. :'''Bomb Squad Officer #1''': Lead the way, we'll be right behind you. :'''Bomb Squad Officer #2''': ''[As Spidey walks pass him]'' ''(Whispers on radio)'' Heads up, boss… :''[Just when they're about to fire their guns on him, Spidey's Spider-Sense kicks in, make him dodge and yank the gun out of one officer's hands and hits him with it]'' :'''Spider-Man''': So you guys were in bed with Fisk all along? Aww now I'll never get that image out of my head! :'''Bomb Squad Officer #3''': Get him! :'''Spider-Man''': So your plan didn't work. On to plan B-- getting kicked in the face. :'''Bomb Squad Officer #4''': We can't let him get into the office! <hr width=50%/> :'''Spider-Man''': Hey Yuri, looks like some of your guys were on Fisk's payroll. Good news is, they were Willie's last line of defence. I'm right outside his office. :'''Yuri Watanabe''': Take him down. Now. :'''Spider-Man''': With pleasure. <hr width=50%/> :'''Spider-Man''': Writing your memoirs? Don't forget the hyphen between "Spider" and "Man." :''[Fisk is contacting his men through his computer]'' :'''Kingpin''': Get the chopper ready. I won't be long. ''[He crack his knuckles and pick up a remote control as he gets up and walks towards a art piece]'' I'm surprised you made it this far. But your foolishness ends now. ''[He press the button that sealed him off from the room by a glass widow]'' :'''Spider-Man''': Uh…you do know I can still see you, right? :'''Kingpin''': Eight years of this isolence… :''[Giant machine guns begin to emerge from two columns from both sides of the room]'' :'''Spider-Man''': For me? You shouldn't have… ''(thinking)'' Gotta wait for an opening. ''[The two giant machine guns ran out of ammo]'' Its reloading. ''[Spidey thwips them so they can't fire again and throws them at the glass window]'' :'''Kingpin''': What are you doing?! ''[The window shatters]'' How is this happening?! :'''Spider-Man''': What's wrong, Willie? You seem angry… :'''Kingpin''': I will DESTROY you! ''[He smashes the desk as he charges at him]'' :'''Spider-Man''': Take your best shot. <hr width=50%/> :''[Kingpin clobbered Spidey with both of his fist, and then he throws him threw the wall]'' :'''Kingpin''': You are everything that's wrong with this city! :'''Spider-Man''': ''[As he's getting up]'' Huh. I was gonna say the same to you. :'''Kingpin''': You know what to do, men. :'''Fisk Thug #1''': Surround him! :'''Fisk Thug #2''': Everyone, ENGAGE! :'''Fisk Thug #3''': He's hurt -- let's finish him off! :'''Kingpin''': You'll die, as uselessly as you lived. You're out of you depth, boy. :'''Spider-Man''': ''(softly)'' Not this time! :'''Spider-Man''': ''[As he's being choked by Fisk]'' Was it…something…I said? ''[Flip kicks him off]'' You're losing Willie-- :'''Kingpin''': I haven't even started trying. <hr width=50%/> :'''Kingpin''': Time to end this! :'''Spider-Man''': You asked for it. <hr width=50%/> :'''Spider-Man''': ''[Talking to Fisk after defeating him and hangs him upside down]'' So should we kiss now? ''[NYPD locking their guns at Fisk]'' Yeah. Maybe later. <hr width=50%/> :'''Spider-Man''': Finally off to Ryker's, huh? You know I think you've got more enemies in there than I do. :'''Wilson Fisk''': If you think this will be more than a minor inconvenience-- :'''Spider-Man''': Whoop--gotta go. Hey! Good luck, Willie. I've a feeling you're gonna need it. ''[Then thwips away]'' :'''Wilson Fisk''': Idiot! I'm the one who kept order to this city! ''[The NYPD shoves him in the back of the armored truck]'' One month! In one month you'll wish you had me back! <hr width=50%/> :''[As Wilson Fisk is being taken away, Spider-Man hangs on top of a pole]'' :'''Spider-Man''': The Kingpin is heading to prison. End of an era. Feel like I should celebrate. Maybe take a vacation… ===Main Mission - My OTHER Other Job=== :'''Boss''': Parker, where are you? The committee will be here soon! We need to run an equipment check! :'''Spider-Man''': I'm almost there! Blocks away! :'''Boss''': Ugh. Guess I'll just do it myself. :'''Spider-Man''': No, don't, it's not safe -- ''[Hangs up]'' Ugh. Gotta love Doc's enthusiasm, but sometimes it gets him into trouble. Better get there before he hurts himself… <hr width=50%/> :'''Peter Parker''': Sorry I'm late, I-- ''[Sees him already started]'' whoa! :''[It reveals that Peter's boss is Doctor Otto Octavius and is testing some equipment for a robotic arm]'' :'''Peter Parker''': You started without me-- ! :'''Dr. Otto Octavius''': The grant committee's director will be here soon. ''[Looks at Peter as looks worried about his safety]'' It's fine, Peter. I invented this equipment. I think I can handle it. :''[But then sparks begins to fly everywhere]'' :'''Peter Parker''': The power dampener-- ''[He unplucks the cores before there's a fire]'' Oh man… ''[He rushes t o the computer]'' Uh…maybe we should abort?! :'''Otto Octavius''': Not yet-- ''[The computer malfunctions and electricity begins zapping Otto]'' :'''Peter Parker''': Hold on-- ''[Peter presses the emergency power button and quickly runs to Otto's aid]'' Dr. Octavius! Are you okay? :'''Otto Octavius''': Another setback. ''[coughs]'' But we're close. :''[The grant committee finally arrives to see the mess]'' :'''Committee Director''': Is anyone hurt? :'''Peter Parker''': No. But it was all my faul-- :'''Otto Octavius''': Th-Th-The energy levels exceeded our expectations. Fr-From a certain viewpoint, that's a very positive development. :'''Committee Director''': It doesn't smell very positive. :'''Otto Octavius''': I assure you, in the next phase -- :'''Committee Director''': Let's not get ahead of ourselves. ''[coughs]'' Is there somewhere else we can discuss this? :''[Pause]'' :'''Otto Octavius''': Maybe you should take the rest of the day off, Peter. :'''Peter Parker''': But-- :'''Otto Octavius''': We'll talk later. <hr width=50%/> :'''Peter Parker''': That was a disaster. How could the dampener have failed? I know Doc said take the day off … but I have to figure out what went wrong… ''[Tests the mechanical arm]'' Ohh… you are in bad shape, little guy. Let's see what's wrong with you… ''[Looks at the schematics]'' Circuit burned out. Dammit. If I had been here to do the pre-check, I would've caught this. Got it. OK… need to reroute servo control… Nice. Okay, what next. And now rebalance the voltage… Finished! Let's see if that worked. ''[Tests the arm again]'' Good as new. Doc's been testing new materials for the prosthetics. He asked me to review his work if I had time; may as well dig in now. <hr width=50%/> :'''Committee Director''': How many lab fires have we seen now, Otto? 3? 4? :'''Otto Octavius''': That's how you know we're progressing! Out of the ashes of failure great science is born! :'''Peter Parker''': Don't think Dr. Octavius' optimism has ever been shaken. <hr width=50%/> :'''Otto Octavius''': Today is the day: grant review. We're ready. The work has progressed at a remarkable pace. I honestly never thought we'd get the tensile actuator back to an acceptable tolerance, but Parker… the boy has an eye for guerrilla science like none other. Just as I was ready to order a custom machined replacement part, he returned from the hardware store with a bottle of solvent and a toothbrush. Bang: actuator problem resolved. The boy is a genius. Ugh. A chronically late genius. It's already ten after … where is he? Surely he can't have forgotten today's review… :'''Peter Parker''': Sorry I let you down, Doc… <hr width=50%/> :'''Otto Octavius''': Peter - thank you again for doing these blind reviews. Peer review is the backbone of great science. You know, as we've prepped for the upcoming fitting, I've felt an itch in the back of my brain: is this ''"really"'' the best method of limb replacement? Silly I know, but I keep thinking … might there be another way? <hr width=50%/> :'''Peter Parker''': Doc's been testing new materials for the prosthetics. He asked me to review his work if I had time; may as well dig in now. ''[Reviewing the new materials]'' Doc was testing a new contact material for the prosthetic… Hydrogel/Polymer composite. Strong, but there's a lot of impedance. Better tell Doc to keep looking for other materials. Arlight - I should get out of here before I screw things up to Doc even more. ===Main Mission - Keeping the Peace=== :'''Yuri Watanabe''': Spider-Man, it's Yuri. :'''Spider-Man''': Fisk make it to Ryker's yet? :'''Yuri Watanabe''': Not Ryker's. Our boy qualifies for the VIP treatment … he's at The Raft. :'''Spider-Man''': Ahhh - joining Scorpion, Electro, Agent Venom and the rest … Fisk should be honored - that's esteemed company. :'''Yuri Watanabe''': Can you swing by the precinct? Got an issue that could benefit from your unique skill set. :'''Spider-Man''': For you, Yuri: anything. I'm on my way. <hr width=50%/> :'''Spider-Man''': Hmmm - looks like Jameson's got a new episode out. Wonder what my number one fan thinks about the Fisk take down… :'''Just the Facts with JJJ: Producer''': This is ''"Just The Facts with J. Jonah Jameson"'', where listeners like you discuss the issues affecting our city with Pulitzer Prize winning -- :'''Just the Facts with JJJ: J. Jonah Jameson''': Two-time! :'''Just the Facts with JJJ: Producer''': Two-time Pulitzer Prize winning former publisher of the Daily Bugle. :'''Just the Facts with JJJ: J. Jonah Jameson''': Hey, plug the book! :'''Just the Facts with JJJ: Producer''': And as always, if you order Mr. Jameson's book, ''Spider-Man: Threat or Menace'', within 24 hours of our broadcast, you'll get an autographed copy at no extra charge. :'''Just the Facts with JJJ: J. Jonah Jameson''': No personalization! Don't ask, not gonna get it!! :'''J. Jonah Jameson''': Welcome to "Just the Fact" with J. Jonah Jameson - alerting you to tell threats you don't even know about. Let's dive right into the calls. Speak! :'''Caller''': Okay, so not for nothin', you gotta give Spider-Man respect for taking down Wilson Fisk, right? I mean, one less mob boss is good for everyone. :'''J. Jonah Jameson''': Is that right? Tell me, are you a police officer? Prosecutor? Maybe an award-winning reporter with decades on the job, like me? :'''Caller''': Uh, no, I'm a plumber. :'''J. Jonah Jameson''': Oh, good. Then fix my toilet and SHUT UP! Let me explain something to you about crime bosses. Soon as one goes down, every punk with a gun, a tracksuit, and a drawer full of gold chains decides he's the next Godfather. We're gonna have a gang war in the streets. But does that web-headed moron give a damn? Of course not. He got on TV, that's what counts. :'''Caller''': Yeah, well, I can get copper pipe without paying kickbacks now. So until that gang war starts, I'm on the web-head's side! :'''J. Jonah Jameson''': And you'll be singing a different tune when three new mobs are lining up and charge you triple for that same pipe…or just break your legs! GOODBYE! :'''Spider-Man''': Some day, Jonah. I'm gonna get you to say something nice about me … some day. <hr width=50%/> :'''Spider-Man''': Now that you quit smoking, what do you tell people when you come up here? :'''Yuri Watanabe''': That I need a break from their crap. :'''Spider-Man''': ''[Front flips on the rails on her right]'' Fair enough. So why'd you call? Need a date to the policeman's ball? :'''Yuri Watanabe''': You got a black and white suit? :'''Spider-Man''': Uhh… :'''Yuri Watanabe''': No ball this year anyway. We spent too much integrating Oscorp's surveillance tech. :'''Spider-Man''': Worth it though, right? :'''Yuri Watanabe''': It was… until an hour ago. The whole system went down. Citywide. Every tower. :'''Spider-Man''': How? :'''Yuri Watanabe''': They tell me someone sabotaged the central server, and now all the towers are offline. :'''Spider-Man''': Hm. Inside job? :'''Yuri Watanabe''': Maybe. I'll figure that out later. Right now we need to get this towers back online. Fast. :'''Spider-Man''': And you called me? Aw, that's sweet. :'''Yuri Watanabe''': I called someone I can trust. Plus the signals are scrambled and we have no idea how to fix it. :'''Spider-Man''': Ooh! I love a challenge. :'''Yuri Watanabe''': You break it you buy it. :'''Spider-Man''': I thought you trusted me! <hr width=50%/> :'''Spider-Man''': Let's take a look at this tower. ''[As he hacks the tower]'' Input bands have been shifted. Subtle. <hr width=50%/> :'''Yuri Watanabe''': We just had a tower come back online, was that you? :'''Spider-Man''': Not just a pretty mask, eh? :'''Yuri Watanabe''': Whatever you did, any chance you could do it to the other towers? :'''Spider-Man''': Sure. But just so you know, I had to sync up with the tower to fix it. I'm seeing all crime data in the area now. Looks like there's a break-in happening near me. :'''Yuri Watanabe''': Great I've got units nearby- :'''Spider-Man''': Don't bother - I'm on it. <hr width=50%/> :'''Thug #1''': Do it. :'''Thug #2''': Watch my back. :'''Spider-Man''': ''(whispering)'' Pretty sure these guys didn't forget their keys. ''[As he springs into action]'' :'''Thug #1''': We ain't afraid of you. :'''Thug #3''': Came to the wrong 'hood. :'''Thug #1''': This is *not* how we planned it! :'''Thug #4''': You ain't gonna bring me down! :'''Thug #5''': You ain't ready for this! <hr width=50%/> :'''Spider-Man''': Okay: wrapped up. :'''Yuri Watanabe''': Thanks for that. Now I'm seeing an assault near you. :'''Spider-Man''': You're in luck, Yuri. ''(In a deeper voice)'' Your favourite tough-but-lovable, grizzled, seen-too-much detective is in town- :'''Yuri Watanabe''': What? No, no, no, no, no, you promised you wouldn't do that any- :'''Spider-Man''': ''(deep voice)'' Spider-Cop. :'''Yuri Watanabe''': Please no. <hr width=50%/> :'''Thug #1''': So, you're the snitch. :'''Homeless Woman''': Back off, creep. :'''Thug #2''': Yep, she's the one. :'''Homeless Woman''': I said back off! Leave me alone! :'''Thug #3''': Keep it quiet, lady. :'''Spider-Man''': Get away from her! :'''Thug #4''': As crap. Spider-Man. :'''Thug #3''': You're goin' down! :'''Thug #5''': Someone knock him out already! :'''Thug #2''': You're going down, hard! :'''Thug #6''': No whining when I break your bones. :'''Thug #3''': That's it, gloves are off! <hr width=50%/> :'''Thug #1''': Walk away now or she's dead! ''[As he's holding her at gunpoint]'' :'''Homeless Woman''': Let me go! :''[Spidey quickly webs his hand to disarm his gun and his head to pull her away from him as he knocks the thug out]'' :'''Spider-Man''': All clear, Ma'am. :'''Homeless Woman''': I knew Jameson was wrong about you. You're a little weird, but you got a good heart. :'''Spider-Man''': Have you got somewhere to go? :'''Homeless Woman''': I can take care of myself. :'''Spider-Man''': I'm sure you can. But just in case, there's a place called the F.E.A.S.T. Center -- :'''Homeless Woman''': Seen it. I don't want charity. :'''Spider-Man''': They got the best wheatcakes in the city. Hands down. :'''Homeless Woman''': Mom used to make those. Haven't had any… in a long time. I'll check it out. Thanks, Spider-Guy. :'''Spider-Man''': ''[As she walks away]'' It's Spider-Man… oh well. <hr width=50%/> :'''Spider-Man''': ''[Looks up towards a billboard]'' Should be able to stop the next tower from up there. ''[As he's climbing up, he's narrating in a deep voice, not noticing Yuri called him]'' From his elevated position, Spider-Cop spies his destination: a second surveillance tower. :'''Yuri Watanabe''': Are you … narrating yourself? :'''Spider-Man''': What? No. Of course not… ''[He continues in his deep voice]'' The chief never did understand Spider-Cop. Thought he was a loose cannon. :'''Yuri Watanabe''': Already regretting this… <hr width=50%/> :'''Spider-Man''': Bet I can modify these towers to track more than just crimes… ''[After he finished hacking the second tower]'' Score! Towers are picking up all kinds of TFID signals now… including one nearby. What is that? ''[He web zips over to investigate]'' Oh wow. One of my old backpacks from high school; forgot I attached tracking dots to these. ''[Looks at the city]'' Wonder how many of these are scattered around re city… ''[Then looks inside the bag]'' The menu from my first real date with MJ; Wish I could've afforded some place fancier… but she didn't seem to mind. <hr width=50%/> :'''Yuri Watanabe''': Still there? Got a robbery a few blocks away. :'''Spider-Man''': Spider-Cop on it. "Part Man, part Spider, ALL cop." :'''Yuri Watanabe''': Ugh. <hr width=50%/> :'''Thug #1''': Open the safe - do it! :''[Spidey jumps in and knocks on the window]'' :'''Spider-Man''': Hey fellas. :'''Thug #2''': Uhh! Spider-Man! Shoot him! :''[The thugs shoot at him through the glass, but Spidey dodges the bullets and takes them out one by one, until a car with more things came on the scene]'' :'''Spider-Man''': More of 'em? Guys, if you worked this hard at a legit job, you wouldn't need to be criminals. :'''Thug #5''': You're gonna regret this, Spider-Freak! <hr width=50%/> :'''Spider-Man''': Alright Yuri: I'm gonna repair the last Chinatown tower now. :'''Yuri Watanabe''': Don't you mean Spider-Cop's gonna repair it? :'''Spider-Man''': Been doing a little thinking, Yuri. Policing's a young man's game, and Spider-Cop… well he's no spring chicken. :'''Yuri Watanabe''': Please be going where I think you're going. :'''Spider-Man''': As of today, Spider-Cop is officially retired. :'''Yuri Watanabe''': Oh thank God. I need a drink. :'''Spider-Man''': We'll all drink tonight, Yuri, drink to the memory of Spider-Cop's tireless… Yuri? Yuri, you there? Huh. Guess the emotion of the moment overwhelmed her. <hr width=50%/> :'''Spider-Man''': ''[After repairing the last tower]'' Not good. Can't have people taking pictures of my three chest hairs. Tools I need for suit repair are at the lab… wonder if Dr. Octavius has left for the day… ===Main Mission - Something Old, Something New=== :'''Spider-Man''': ''[Calls Otto]'' Doctor! How did it go with the committee? I'm so sorry I screwed things up. :'''Otto Octavius''': Not at all, Peter. They're just nervous in the face of imminent triumph! They'll calm down; they always do. :'''Spider-Man''': Should I head back to the lab for cleanup? :'''Otto Octavius''': No no. I'm stepping out for dinner anyhow; we'll resume tomorrow. Short break, then back to creating the future! ''[Hangs up]'' :'''Spider-Man''': Wish I could bottle and sell that man's optimism. Sounds like he's left the lab for the day - good time to work on my suit in private. <hr width=50%/> :'''Peter Parker''': ''[In the lab]'' Looks like Doc's gone for the night. Time to sneak in some spider-work. <hr width=50%/> :'''Peter Parker''': We're trying to improve the prosthetic's hardware. I should review what Doc's been developing, and double-check his work. ''[Looking at the schematics on tablet]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Peter Parker''': We really need to get better about organizing our workspace… Think we got samples of every type of prosthetic in existence… <hr width=50%/> :'''Otto Octavius''': The Grant Review was a debacle, yes, but it may also prove to be the inspiration I need. We can no longer simply meet the committee's expectations: we must exceed them. <hr width=50%/> :'''Peter Parker''': ''[looking at a graduation photo]'' Graduation - feels so long ago. I interned for Doc in college. He made me realise I could do as much good for the world in a lab coat as I could in tights. Maybe more. <hr width=50%/> :''[As Peter is fixing his Spidey suit, Otto come through the door]'' :'''Otto Octavius''': Parker. :'''Peter Parker''': ''(surprisingly)'' Dr. Octavius! I - ah… Watcha got there? :'''Otto Octavius''': Chinese. If I knew you'd be here I would've-- ''[Then notices something behind Peter]'' What are you working on? :'''Peter Parker''': Uh, just a side project. :''[He leans over then sees the Spider-Man suit, in surprised]'' :'''Otto Octavius''': ''(gasps)'' Of course. It's you. :'''Peter Parker''': I-- um… I-I don't know what you're… :'''Otto Octavius''': Oh come on, Parker, it's obvious. :'''Peter Parker''': L-L-- um… Let me explain. :'''Otto Octavius''': I only wish you'd told me sooner. :'''Peter Parker''': I wanted to. But I was afraid that if word got out, my family might be in danger. :'''Otto Octavius''': Hm, yes. I guess if you design his equipment you're bound to be a target too. :'''Peter Parker''': Yeah. ''[The realizing what he said]'' I mean… YEAH. :'''Otto Octavius''': Don't worry, your secret's safe. ''[Pauses]'' Well, I'll leave you to it. <hr width=50%/> :''[Peter wakes up from a short nap and finds and reads a sticky note on his head form Otto]'' :'''Peter Parker''': "Check your email…" ''[Gets up and goes on his computer]'' Hope this isn't how Doc fires me… ''[Then reads what Otto send him]'' :'''Otto Octavius''': SUBJECT: Just a thought. Peter, the revelation of your second job as Spider-Man's suit crafter [is that the right term?] ''(mm hm)'' is a reminder of the good man and partner you are. No matter how hard you work, you still find time to help others. I hope you don't mind but I noticed the suit was a bit damaged and took the liberty of sketching up some of my own improvements. Attached are a few ideas I had on how you could enhance his suit and help protect Spider-Man, who does so much for this city. Looking forward to the incredible work we are doing and changing the world together! Your partner and friend, O. :'''Peter Parker''': White spider, huh? Hm. That should do it. <hr width=50%/> :''[Spidey walks out of the lab to the rooftop and try out his new Advance Suit by going on patrol doing flips and tricks]'' :'''Spider-Man''': 'Scuse me, late for work! ''[The scene goes in slow motion to get the details on his new suit]'' Comin' through! :'''Woman''': Looking good, Spidey! :'''Spider-Man''': Hellooo New York! Ah-Ha! New suit! Same old me! ===Main Mission - Fisk Hideout=== :'''Yuri Watanabe''': Spider-Man, I think I figured out how Fisk's men are keeping his rackets running. Construction sites. :'''Spider-Man''': Wasn't that shut down when he was arrested? :'''Yuri Watanabe''': No. It's one of his legitimate businesses …multiple investors. We can't act without cause. :'''Spider-Man''': But now you've got that, right? :'''Yuri Watanabe''': That's why I'm hoping you can keep an eye on the locations, tell me if you see anything suspicious. :'''Spider-Man''': You got it. I'll be your nosy neighbourhood Spider-Man. <hr width=50%/> :'''J. Jonah Jameson''': My loyal listeners - "brush-head," they call themselves, though I've never quite understood why - will remember my warnings about the downright Orwellian Crime Monitoring System the city was installing. Well, it's not operating. Why, you ask? Because someone came to their senses and realised they'd be violating civil liberties? WRONG! Because those incompetent bureaucrats built a network that crashes more often than a wink driving a bumper car! So your tax dollars got wasted… and there's nothing to show for it. Which is about as close as you get to a happy ending in the real world, kids. <hr width=50%/> :'''Spider-Man''': ''[Calls Yuri]'' Yuri, I'm at a Fisk Construction site and there's a lot of guys here who aren't exactly constructing. :'''Yuri Watanabe''': What are they doing? :'''Spider-Man''': I'm going to go find out. ''[Hangs up, then get a text from Otto]'' Huh. Just got a text from Doc. Looks like he attached an idea for a spidey-gadget. Man, does he ever stop inventing? :''[He takes what has and what he can find to craft his Impact Web]'' :'''Spider-Man''': Wow. This looks like it could work… :'''Fisk Thug #1''': Hm. Let's see… Can't read this… Should have brought my glasses… :'''Spider-Man''': ''[As he uses his Impact Web on the thug]'' Awesome! Doc would be proud. :'''Fisk Thug #2''': Can't believe Spider-Man finally won. :'''Fisk Thug #3''': It ain't over 'til it's over. :'''Fisk Thug #2''': No, I know, but I remember when he was a punk kid and the boss used to hand him his ass on the regular. :'''Fisk Thug #4''': The he'll was that? :'''Spider-Man''': Nap time. :'''Fisk Thug #3''': I thought the boss killed him that one time. :'''Fisk Thug #2''': Maybe he did. Penny says there's more than one Spider-Man. :'''Fisk Thug #3''': Bite your tongue. That's all we need, an army of Spider-Men. :'''Fisk Thug #5''': You guys are new here so lemme give you rule number one… You do *not* want to be late with a shipment. Ever. Boss runs a tight ship. He does *not* like screw-ups. …We had this guy once, he decided to stop off a drink on the way to a delivery… That was his last delivery, you know what I mean? … We get paid well because we deliver. Every time, on time. Got it? :'''Fisk Thug #6''': Shoulda brought my sudoku. :'''Fisk Thug #7''': Hey, who's that? Freeze! :'''Spider-Man''': Nighty-night. :'''Fisk Thug #8''': The hell is this stuff made of?! :'''Fisk Thug #9''': Hey! There he is! :'''Fisk Thug #10''': Dammit… :'''Fisk Thug #11''': Oh, no. :'''Fisk Thug #12''': Somebody shoot him down! :'''Fisk Thug #13''': Kick his ass! :'''Fisk Thug #14''': How'd you like that, Spider-Man? ''[Spidey kicks him]'' Ouch! :'''Fisk Thug #15''': Spider-Man! Show him who he's messin' with! :'''Spider-Man''': Uh-oh, more of them. :'''Fisk Thug #16''': Got something for you. :'''Yuri Watanabe''': ''[On phone]'' Spider-Man, turns out we've busted four illegal firearm dealers within a three block radius of that site. :'''Spider-Man''': Gun running. Let's see what I can do to cut down the supply. :'''Fisk Thug #17''': I don't fold that easy. :'''Fisk Thug #18''': Today you die! :'''Fisk Thug #19''': You shouldn'tve messed with the Kingpin. :'''Fisk Thug #20''': The hell?! :'''Fisk Thug #21''': You're gonna have a bad day. :'''Fisk Thug #22''': This'll wrap things up. :'''Fisk Thug #23''': Smash his skull! :'''Spider-Man''': Dang. Looks like they called their buddies. :'''Fisk Thug #24''': Grenade! :'''Fisk Thug #25''': Get down here and fight like a man! :'''Fisk Thug #26''': I'll shut your mouth-- permanent! :'''Fisk Thug #27''': What are we supposed to do against that?! :'''Fisk Thug #28''': Take him down before he knocks us all out! :'''Spider-Man''': Oh hey, more guys. Welcome to the party! House rules, leave your shoes at the door. Unless you're not wearing socks, in which case-- buy some socks already… :'''Fisk Thug #29''': Damn! :'''Fisk Thug #30''': Whoop his ass! :'''Fisk Thug #31''': I'll teach you some respect. :'''Fisk Thug #32''': Got a present for ya! :'''Fisk Thug #33''': Get these webs off me! :'''Spider-Man''': Ahh. Anyone want to surrender? No? :'''Fisk Thug #34''': Get back down here! :'''Fisk Thug #35''': Wreck him! :'''Fisk Thug #36''': I can't reach him! :'''Fisk Thug #37''': Man down! :'''Fisk Thug #38''': Bring him down already! :'''Fisk Thug #39''': I'm webbed! :'''Fisk Thug #40''': Smoke'im! :'''Fisk Thug #41''': Hey, what the!? :'''Fisk Thug #42''': You shoulda stayed in bed. <hr width=50%/> :'''Spider-Man''': Place is locked down, Captain. Actually, webbed down. :'''Yuri Watanabe''': And someone finally reported shots fired, so I've got officers inbound. Good work. Fisk has more construction sites throughout the city. Betting they're fronts too. Keep an eye out, and report in if you see anything suspicious. ===Main Mission - Landmarking=== :'''Spider-Man''': If I'm gonna find all of Fisk's construction sites, I should recalibrate my mapping software to be more accurate. Using a depth mapped post process on photos of popular landmarks should do it, and I know just the one to start with. <hr width=50%/> :'''Spider-Man''': Good ol' Empire State. Man I love this town. Time to grab a snapshot. ''[Take picture]'' That'll do it. Map should be re-calibrated now. Haven't done much photography since quitting the Bugle - forgot how much I enjoy it. Should keep an eye out for more landmarks to shoot. <hr width=50%/> :''[Spidey phone rings]'' :'''Spider-Man''': Hm, it's Mr. Li. ''[Picks up]'' Hello? :'''Mr. Li''': Peter, it's Martin Li. I just wanted to let you know we need a little extra time to get set for May's party-- I guess the cake delivery is stuck in traffic. :'''Spider-Man''': Oh, sure thing. Ahm. Just let me know when you're ready and I'll swing by. :'''Martin Li''': Great. Talk to you soon. ''[Hangs up]'' :'''Spider-Man''': Okay, got some time to kill. Let's see what's happening out in the city. ===Main Mission - She's a Jolly Good Fellow=== :'''Spider-Man''': ''[Picks up phone]'' Hi, Mister Li. :'''Martin Li''': Hey Peter, we're all set for the party, whenever you're ready. :'''Spider-Man''': Cool! I'm on my way. <hr width=50%/> :''[Outta nowhere, a guy pulls out a gun on Spider-Man, reveling to be a Kingpin supporter]'' :'''Fisk Thug''': Regards from the Kingpin. :''[Spider easily subdue him]'' :'''Spider-Man''': I better be more careful with my "adoring public." <hr width=50%/> :''[As Spidey arrives at the F.E.A.S.T. Center]'' :'''Spider-Man''': Now where'd I put my bag? <hr width=50%/> :'''Peter Parker''': Mr. Li is probably in the kitchen, getting ready for the party. <hr width=50%/> :'''Homeless Woman #1''': And done! Oh wait… not done. Hm. <hr width=50%/> :'''Homeless Man #1''': Ugh, I must've screwed up somewhere… <hr width=50%/> :'''Homeless Man #2''': But I gave you my paperwork yesterday, I've been clean for like two months. <hr width=50%/> :'''Homeless Man #3''': What about my dog? :'''Volunteer''': No problem. But always on a leash, and never in the kitchen area. :'''Homeless Man #3''': ''(breaths)'' Of course. Man, this is great. You guys are great. Thank you so much. <hr width=50%/> :'''Homeless Man #4''': Ugh. This coffee's terrible. But is free. <hr width=50%/> :'''Homeless Woman #2''': Hi, Peter. <hr width=50%/> :'''Homeless Woman #3''': Rather live on the street than ask my parents for help… <hr width=50%/> :'''Homeless Man #5''': Doesn't pay much, but a guy's a gig. <hr width=50%/> :'''Peter Parker''': People don't realize how many kids are homeless. One in thirty. And too many shelters aren't equipped to care for them. <hr width=50%/> :'''Peter Parker''': Everyone feels hopeless at some point. Helps to know there's somebody willing to listen. <hr width=50%/> :'''Homeless Woman #4''': God grant me some strength… <hr width=50%/> :'''Homeless Woman #5''': So I got the job! May's recommendation really helped. :'''Homeless Woman #6''': People know that when she says something, she means it. <hr width=50%/> :'''Peter Parker''': ''[Looking at a photo of his younger self]'' Man, was I ever a dork. Well, we all have an awkward phase. <hr width=50%/> :'''Peter Parker''': ''[Looking at a photo of Uncle Ben Parker]'' Miss you. <hr width=50%/> :'''Peter Parker''': ''[Looking at old drawings of his]'' So I was into horses-- wasn't everybody at some point? Wish May would take some of this down-- it's embarrassing. An artist I was not. I wish everybody had a mom like May. The world would be a better place. <hr width=50%/> :'''Homeless Man #6''': I can patch these shoes, they'll last a while yet… <hr width=50%/> :'''Peter Parker''': Veteran homelessness is down, but still way too high. Good thing my buddy Flash Thompson's doing his best to fix that. You know… The business community's really stepped up… both job training and hiring. Well, most of 'em. Sad not to see Oscorp here. <hr width=50%/> :'''Homeless Woman #7''': I never used to feel safe at the other shelter. And this one, I've never had a problem. :'''Homeless Woman #8''': There's always someone looking out for us. <hr width=50%/> :'''Homeless Man #7''': Aha! I'm on a roll now. <hr width=50%/> :'''Homeless Woman #9''': Peter! You're so thin, are you eating? :'''Peter Parker''': Every chance I get! <hr width=50%/> :'''Homeless Man #8''': We don't have to make it a thing. We can just be casual. :'''Homeless Woman #10''': Yeah, that's fine. But I still want a ring… <hr width=50%/> :'''Homeless Woman #11''': Someday I'll open one of those food trucks. <hr width=50%/> :'''Homeless Woman #12''': Peter, thank you again for helping me with the Social Security website. :'''Peter Parker''': Glad to. <hr width=50%/> :'''Homeless Man #9''': If I had powers? I wouldn't fight crime, I'll tell ya that. I'd be a TV star. :'''Homeless Man #10''': Na. I'd be a pro wrestler. Best gimmick ever. <hr width=50%/> :'''Homeless Man #11''': Today's gonna be a good day. <hr width=50%/> :'''Homeless Man #12''': Can't fall asleep. That's when they get you. <hr width=50%/> :'''Homeless Man #13''': Petey! Thanks for the tip, I got the job! :'''Peter Parker''': That's great! Congrats! <hr width=50%/> :'''Homeless Man #14''': I should probably look for a job. <hr width=50%/> :'''Homeless Man #15''': Think of hat you want and the universe will send it to you. <hr width=50%/> :'''Homeless Man #16''': Hey, Peter. :'''Peter Parker''': Hey guys, how's the game going? :'''Homeless Man #16''': How's it look like it's going? I'm winning. :'''Homeless Woman #13''': Get this guy checked for dementia, Pete. I'm crushing him. :'''Peter Parker''': Well, the important thing is having fun. :'''Homeless Woman #13''': Oh, I have a lot of fun whooping his ass. :'''Homeless Man #16''': In your dreams, crazy lady. Want a game, Pete? We play for peanuts. :'''Peter Parker''': N-no-no,too rich for my blood. I'll leave you to it. <hr width=50%/> :'''Homeless Man #17''': Hey, Pete, good to see ya! :'''Peter Parker''': You too! <hr width=50%/> :'''Homeless Woman #14''': Peter, right? Your Aunt's been showing off baby pictures. Gloria, I'm new here. Spider-Man turned me on to the place. :'''Peter Parker''': Oh, right - I mean, great! How do you like it? :'''Gloria''': They're good people. I might stick around. For a little while. :'''Peter Parker''': Well, if there's anything I can do to help, just say the word. <hr width=50%/> :'''Homeless Woman #15''': Oh, Peter, I just started a mystery novel you might like. :'''Peter Parker''': Thanks! I'll check in with you later. <hr width=50%/> :'''Homeless Man #18''': What's this world coming to. :'''Homeless Woman #16''': That cute social worker was here again today. You wanna meet her, you let me know. <hr width=50%/> :'''Homeless Man #19''': ''(gasps)'' I could write these <hr width=50%/> :'''Homeless Man #20''': Wish I could afford an electric wheelchair… <hr width=50%/> :'''Peter Parker''': May kept Uncle Ben' clothes a long time. It's like he was still looking out for her. <hr width=50%/> :'''Homeless Man #21''': I could really use a muffin. A blueberry muffin. <hr width=50%/> :'''Homeless Woman #17''': Don't think about it. Just stop thinking about it. <hr width=50%/> :'''Homeless Woman #18''': Hi, Pete. Your Aunt's in the back, I think. :'''Peter Parker''': Thanks! <hr width=50%/> :'''Homeless Woman #19''': Peter! Did May tell you? I got a job! She was so helpful. :'''Peter Parker''': That's awesome! <hr width=50%/> :'''Homeless Man #22''': Yo, Pete, that Aunt of yours is a saint. :'''Peter Parker''': You're telling me? <hr width=50%/> :'''Homeless Man #23''': Hey, Peter, what's up? :'''Peter Parker''': Just dropping in. <hr width=50%/> :'''Homeless Man #24''': Is this decaf? Ah, what the hell. <hr width=50%/> :'''Peter Parker''': Hey, Martin, so sorry I'm late-- :'''Martin Li''': You're right on time. Just keep her distracted while we get everything ready. :'''Peter Parker''': You got it. ''[He then walks up to May]'' Hey, there's my favorite aunt… :'''Aunt May''': Peter! What a nice surprise. :'''Peter Parker''': Needs some help? :'''Aunt May''': Uh, yeah, sure. Oh, there are some heavy boxes in -- :'''Peter Parker''': NO! No. No! I mean, I mean…not yet. I mean, I came to, uh, uh, I just wanted to talk. :'''Aunt May''': Okay… okay. :'''Peter Parker''': Um… :'''Aunt May''': Peter, are you in trouble? Do you need money? :'''Peter Parker''': No! No. I mean, I mean I'm a little behind on my rent, but… no, no, no… no, I'm fine. :'''Aunt May''': Girl problems again? :'''Peter Parker''': What? No, that's crazy-- :'''Aunt May''': I still wish you and MJ could work things out. She's a great girl-- :'''Peter Parker''': She is, but… :'''Aunt May''': The two of you would make some beautiful babies. :'''Peter Parker''': Wow! Uh… :'''Aunt May''': Peter. What is it? Come on. You can tell me. :'''Peter Parker''': These past few years-- you helping me through college and working here… sacrificing so much, and asking for nothing. I just wish there were more people like you in the world. :'''Martin Li''': He's right. ''[As he brings the cake and everyone in the room]'' Five years ago, you walked in here and told me you were inspired by my mission to help others. Now it's *you* who inspires *me*. Thank you, May, for everything. Here's to many more years of service! :''[Everyone in the room claps for May]'' :'''Peter Parker''': Thanks again for setting all this up. :'''Martin Li''': Oh, I just wish I could do more. :'''Peter Parker''': Well, May's always told me, "if you help *some*one-- :'''Martin Li''': --you help *every*one." Ah, maybe we should send May to City Hall to have a word with the mayor… :'''Peter Parker''': ''[Peter phone vibrates]'' Oh, I gotta run. Um, thanks again for the party and everything. It really means a lot. <hr width=50%/> :'''Peter Parker''': Voicemail from Yuri… should check it outside… ===Main Mission - Don't Touch the Art=== :''[Just outside of the F.E.A.S.T. Center, Spider-Man checks his voice-mail]'' :'''Spider-Man''': Voice-mail from Yuri… :'''Yuri Watanabe''': ''[voice-mail]'' Hey. Silent alarm at the auction house holding Fisk's estate sale just tripped. Could you check it out? Quietly? I don't want to make a scene if it's nothing… ''[Message ends]'' :'''Spider-Man''': Fisk estate sale. Sounds fun. Wonder what the Kingpin had hidden in his closets… <hr width=50%/> :''[As Spider-Man swings by the Fisk's estate place, his aunt is calling him]'' :'''Aunt May''': Peter, I lost track of you at the party… :'''Spider-Man''': Yeah. I…had to get to the lab. Sorry. :'''Aunt May''': Don't apologize…I just wanted to tell you how much what you said meant to me. I always wonder if I'm doing right by you… :'''Spider-Man''': Well stop wondering. After losing my parents, and Uncle Bent here are so many times I would've fallen apart if not for you. :'''Aunt May''': Well, that works both ways, Peter. I just wanted to make sure you knew that. :'''Spider-Man''': May, I… I don't know what to say -- :'''Aunt May''': Oh, I think Mr. Li needs my help. I should go. See you soon, dear. I love you. :'''Spider-Man''': Love you too. ''[Hangs up]'' <hr width=50%/> :''[As Spider-Man crawls through the air ducts in the Fisk's estate place, he see a woman being held hostage by some demon masked criminals]'' :'''Demon #1''': I am losing patience. Where is the file. :'''Woman''': There's someone else here - they must have taken it! :'''Spider-Man''': ''(whispering)'' Those masks… who are these guys? :'''Demons #1''': There's no one here but us. We will find the file. Or you will die. :'''Spider-Man''': ''(whispering)'' This is bad. They'll kill her if I alert them. Need to pick 'em off silently. ''[Calls Yuri]'' Yuri… the silent alarm was legit. Masked gunmen and a single hostage. Looks like a heist-in-progress. :'''Yuri Watanabe''': Copy that. Sending units your way. Keep the situation from getting worse in the meantime. :'''Spider-Man''': Can do. ''[Hangs up]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Spider-Man''': ''[on the perch point]'' Gotta do this quietly. Don't wanna alert the others… :''[Then he shoot a web at the floor to lure the demon]'' :'''Demon #2''': ''(In Japanese)'' ''[I heard something.]'' :''[As the demon goes right underneath him, he performs at Perch Takedown by webbing him on the ceiling supports]'' :'''Spider-Man''': They always look so cosy webbed up like that. <hr width=50%/> :''[As he goes to another room though the air vents, Spider spots another demon]'' :'''Spider-Man''': Should web him from above… :''[Spidey performs a Vent Takedown by webbing him up inside the vent, then perceived down to the room. He spots a demon right next to him]'' :'''Spider-Man''': Whoa - careful. :''[Spider gets behind him for a Stealth Takedown]'' :'''Spider-Man''': You stay quiet now :'''Demon #3''': ''(In Japanese)'' ''[Check in there]'' :'''Demon #4''': ''(In Japanese)'' ''[On it.]'' :'''Spider-Man''': Someone's coming. They'll see me down here. :''[He quickly Web Zip to the vent and escapes quietly]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Demon #1''': My patience wears thin. :'''Woman''': Someone else is here, I swear. She must have the file! :''[She scream as the demon shoots the artifacts right next her]'' :'''Demon #1''': If they're here, WHERE ARE THEY? :'''Woman''': I don't know. I don't know. I just don't know. :'''Spider-Man''': Move it, Pete. Bad guys are getting ready to be bad. <hr width=50%/> :''[On a perch point in another room Spidey sees two demons in a conversation]'' :'''Demon #5''': ''(In Japanese)'' ''[With Fisk gone, our chance has finally arrived …]'' :'''Demon #6''': ''(In Japanese)'' ''[Keep your eyes open.]'' :'''Demon #5''': ''(In Japanese)'' ''[They are open!]'' :''[Spidey lures one of the demons by webbing the nearby crate to cause a distraction]'' :'''Demon #6''': ''(In Japanese)'' ''[Stand by, I heard a sound.]'' :''[As he goes by the crate, Spider webs the other guy on the ceiling support post, then performs a Web Strike Takedown by web ziping towards the other demon, knocking him out]'' :'''Spider-Man''': Sleep it off. <hr width=50%/> :'''Spider-Man''': Hey - what is that? :''[Spider notices a camera hanging off the shelf]'' :'''Spider-Man''': ''[As he pick up the camera]'' This totally belongs to- :'''Demon #7''': ''[The demon surprises Spidey and points a gun behind him]'' Don't move. :'''Spider-Man''': Buddy, ''[turns around]'' if I had a nickel for every "Don't Move" I'd- :''[Then the demon gets knocked over the head by someone carrying a golden object, only to be a familiar face to Spidey]'' :'''Woman''': Hey Pete. :'''Spider-Man''': MJ … what are you doing here? :'''Mary Jane Watson''': Same as you, working. At least, I was. :'''Spider-Man''': Ooh. I…um think this is yours. :'''MJ''': Yeah. Thanks. :'''Spider-Man''': So, Robbie's got you covering a break-in for the Bugle? :'''MJ''': Well. Robbie doesn't technically know I'm her. And it wasn't a break in until a few minutes ago. :'''Spider-Man''': Uh…Huh? :'''MJ''': Let me explain… <hr width=50%/> :''[The story cuts back to 15 minutes earlier as Mary Jane enters the Rosemann's building, about to talk to Rose Rosemann, the woman who the demons would held hostage]'' :'''Rose Rosemann''': Uh - excuse me? :'''Mary Jane Watson'': Hi, Mary Jane Watson. I'm covering the Fisk estate sale :'''Rose Rosemann''': Hello … Craig said we'd do this tomorrow. :'''MJ''': I like to get a jump on things. :'''Rose Rosemann''': Well I don't. You'll have to come back tomorrow. :'''MJ''': Right, OK. I'm sorry. :''[As she walks to the door, MJ pretends to call Craig]'' :'''MJ''': Hey Craig… no, sorry, just … It looks like we're going to have to run something else on the cover… I don't know, uhh-- maybe the expressionist piece? :'''Rose Rosemann''': You know what. I think I can make today work. :'''MJ''': ''(whispering)'' Are you sure? :'''Rose Rosemann''': You're here. No moment like the present. :'''MJ''': ''(whispering)'' Thank you. ''[On the phone]'' Craig? Nevermind. We're good. :'''Rose Rosemann''': Let's get started. :'''Robovoice''': -of Motor Vehicles, for English, press "1"… ''[MJ hangs up the phone]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Rose Rosemann''': Look around and familiarise yourself with the items. I'll be waiting by the Baku statue when you're ready to begin. :'''Mary Jane Watson''': Can do. <hr width=50%/> :''[Mary Jane looks around and reads each of the antiques, stautes and artefacts, reminding her of something in her life]'' <hr width=50%/> Theatre Masks, 18 Century. A group of Noh and Kyogen masks from the Edo period. Most notable is Buaku,the demon hiding sorrowful eyes. :'''Mary Jane Watson''': Hmmmm … I get why Peter does it, but I never totally loved the "heroes hiding behind masks" thing. Feels like part of being a hero is standing behind your actions; being willing to say "yeah, that was me." That's the sort of hero I'd want to be, at least. <hr width=50%/> Tatami Armour, 15th Century. Rumoured to have been worn by a powerful samurai who believed ends justified means. :'''Mary Jane Watson''': Bet Fisk saw himself in this: a great man willing to do what others wouldn't. Dude had no self-awareness. <hr width=50%/> Katana, 14th Century. A katana blade attributed to Masamune; hilt re-wrapped in early 19th century. :'''Mary Jane Watson''': ''(sighs)'' Fisk cut Peter open like a pork sausage with this the first time they fought. Pete got away, collapsed in my yard half dead, and I had to steal my dad's car to drive him to the ER. The first of many "Nurse MJ" moments; too many. <hr width=50%/> Sengoku period Samurai, 16th Century. Most likely depicts Bamako to Kansuke, the blind swordsman, known for dispensing justice on his own terms. :'''Mary Jane Watson''': I remember when Fisk started illegally importing artefacts like this. He bought the local harbour to cover his tracks, and laid off the old staff, including my dad. Wish dad was here now to see how the tables have turned. <hr width=50%/> Hand Rolled Cigars, 20th Century. Luxury product of Symkaria; manufactured exclusively for royalty. :'''Mary Jane Watson''': Hmmm … Symkaria … weren't they just in the news? <hr width=50%/> Tatami Armour, 15th Century. Rumoured to have been worn by a young ronin who challenged a tyrannical, illegitimate leader. :'''Mary Jane Watson''': Sometimes I feel like the whole history of the world is just boys playing dress up, getting into fights. <hr width=50%/> Tapestry, 17th Century. Depicts two Nio Guardians, Misshaku Kongo and Naraen Kongo. :'''Mary Jane Watson''': I can't get over this image. So much tension between these two figures. <hr width=50%/> Oil Landscape on Silk, 19th Century. Depicts travellers outside Kyoto. :'''Mary Jane Watson''': Kyoto. So beautiful. Part of me wishes I could drop everything and travel the world … but life and work are here. <hr width=50%/> :'''Rose Rosemann''': Let me know when you're ready to begin. :'''Mary Jane Watson''': Sounds good. <hr width=50%/> Cello, 18th Century. Milan or Bologna, famously owned by Benito Mussolini prior to his death. :'''Mary Jane Watson''': What did Fisk call this … "Vanessa"? <hr width=50%/> Woodcut, 19th Century. Image of a young maiden who brought a corrupt dynasty's hidden crimes to light, causing it to collapse. :'''Mary Jane Watson''': " Brought hidden crimes to light." We got an old school investigative journalist over here. I like her. <hr width=50%/> Walking Cane, 20th Century. A very rare jewelled and pearl-set walking cane with concealed features :'''Mary Jane Watson''': Always hated this cane. So tacky. <hr width=50%/> :'''Rose Rosemann''': Starting with the prize: A one-of-a-kind Kakiemonbaku. :'''Mary Jane Watson''': Beautiful. It's a Mifune? :'''Rose Rosemann''': Correct. Mr. Fisk has… exceptional taste. :'''MJ''': ''[Snaps the picture]'' Did you know him well, before his arrest? :'''Rose Rosemann''': In a … professional context. I handled many of his sales. Let's move on, please. <hr width=50%/> :'''Rose Rosemann''': Now, this exquisite piece exemplifies the traditional tarashikomi puddled-ink effect. :'''Mary Jane Watson''': The two Nio are so imposing. I can see why Fisk liked this piece; definitely his style. ''[Snaps the picture]'' :'''Rose Rosemann''': He loved the duality. "Destruction screams, but creation toils in silence." :'''MJ''': Was there ever anything irregular, in any of the sales you handled for him? :'''Rose Rosemann''': No … no … of course not. Not that I was aware of. <hr width=50%/> :'''Rose Rosemann''': Notice the intricate gold inlay on this ceremonial tea set. :'''Mary Jane Watson''': It's just… a friend in the DA's office mentioned that Fisk used art sales to launder stolen goods. :'''Rose Rosemann''': I'm… sure I wouldn't know anything about that. :'''MJ''': ''[Snaps the picture]'' Oh I know. I was just wondering, now that he's arrested, if you had ever noticed anything… strange. :'''Rose Rosemann''': You know what. I'm actually running short of time. Why don't we grab the cover photo while we can? :'''MJ''': When I told my DA friend I was doing a piece on you, he mentioned your name was familiar. :'''Rose Rosemann''': Just the photo please. Stand right there. :'''MJ''': Are you sure there's nothing you'd like to say, maybe off the record, regarding Fisk's activities? :'''Rose Rosemann''': I don't think your readers would have any interest in- ''[Phone rings]'' Dammit. Wait here, please. :''[Rosemann opens the door to get some privacy. Mary Jane sees a golden statue inside]'' :'''MJ''': Wait … I recognise that statue … Gotta get a photo. That shouldn't be here. :'''Rose Rosemann''': Hello? :''[MJ snaps an picture of the statue]'' :'''Rose Rosemann''': Craig, I'll call you back. ''[Hangs up and walks out]'' My dear, I think it's time for you to go. :'''MJ''': Oh…um…could I … use the restroom real quick? :'''Rose Rosemann''': … fine. Follow me. :'''MJ''': Thank you … this … this is a really lovely space. :'''Rose Rosemann''': It is. And this will be the last time you see it. The ladies' is right around the corner. Be quick. :'''MJ''': Of course. Be right back. <hr width=50%/> :''[Mary Jane goes to the restroom then sneaks back out]'' :'''Rose Rosemann''': Hello, Craig. Funny you should call … Because the reporter you sent is clearly not working the puff piece we agreed upon … <hr width=50%/> :''[Mary Jane crouched and hides between tables so she can get to the back room where she saw the statue in, without getting caught]'' :'''Rose Rosemann''': No, she's here now … :'''Mary Jane Watson''': I've got to get into that back room. If that statue is what I think it is, this just turned into a huge story. :'''Rose Rosemann''': What do you mean he had to reschedule? … :'''MJ''': ''(whispering)'' Quiet. :'''Rose Roseman''': If she's not your reporter, who is she, Craig? … Who is in my auction house? … Oh my god … No I do not trust you will fix this … Well the first thing I'm going to do is have Miss Investigative Journalist arrested- And the second thing I'm going to do is collect you head, Craig … :'''MJ''': Dang. She's pissed. <hr width=50%/> :'''Mary Jane Watson''': ''[As she enters the back room]'' Pete told me about this. Fisk used it to hide evidence. Why didn't the cops take it? I know this statue opens… but how? <hr width=50%/> :''[MJ looks at a photo of Rosemann and Fisk]'' :'''Mary Jane Watson''': That's the Nio behind them … but it looks different … She certainly is cosy with Fisk. <hr width=50%/> :''[MJ looks at a biosure title "Bicon: The Wilson Fisk Collection" on the table]'' :'''Mary Jane Watson''': Hmmm … he's holding something… :''[Then she picks up a booklet on the Nio]'' An Articulated Nio Guardian Statue 15th Century, Japanese 45,000 - 60,000 USD Notable for its modular design and five distinct points of articulation, this statue can adopt a multitude of poses. The most common is that of that of the Naraen Kongo: mouth closed, left arm down, right palm facing forward. This pose of latent power conveys the change and chaos that can arise from small events. :'''MJ''': The statue can move … the most common pose is "latent power"… " Mouth closed … left arm down … right palm facing forward." Hmmm. <hr width=50%/> :'''Mary Jane Watson''': Maybe these pieces move. :''[She begins to move the statue as what the description says]'' :'''MJ''': Maybe I should turn the head… ''[turns it facing right]'' Nice. :''[As she followed the description well, the statue does nothing]'' :'''MJ''': So close … but a piece is missing… <hr width=50%/> :''[Mary Jane turns to the table with gold objects]'' :'''Mary Jane Watson''': I've seen these before… :''[She takes the one on the far right and places on the statue left hand]'' :'''MJ''': That's it! <hr width=50%/> :''[The statue opens up a drawer beneath, revealing a file]'' :'''Mary Jane Watson''': "Norman Osborn"…what is this? "Devil's Breath"? What is Devil's- :''[MJ suddenly hears some commotion outside the room]'' :'''MJ''': What the? :''[She peaks outside the door when she see the demon mask guys from later in the story]'' :'''Rose Rosemann''': Excuse me! Sir! You … you can't be in here- ''[One of the demons smacks her on the floor]'' :'''MJ''': ''[Trying to concealed her scream of horror]'' ''(whispering)'' Not good. :'''Demon #1''': Where's the statue? :'''Rose Rosemann''': In … in there- :'''Demon #2''': ''[Kicks open the back room door]'' ''(In Japanese)'' ''[Find the file.]'' :''[As they enter the room, Mary Jane found a back way out of the room and takes the file with her]'' <hr width=50%/> :''[Cuts back to the present time in the story]'' :'''Mary Jane Watson''': I was on my way to the exit when I saw you… :'''Spider-Man''': You're lucky to be alive. :'''MJ''': Says the guy I saved five minutes ago. Listen, whoever these mask guys are, they're after this file. But I'll never get it out of here while the place is swarming with them. :'''Spider-Man''': Right. OK. Ummm, you hide back there, I take out the bad guys, you make a break when it's clear. :'''MJ''': Sounds like a plan. ''[As she leaves the door, she turns around]'' Good to see you, Pete. :'''Spider-Man''': Yeah you too. Not exactly how I pictured us meeting again, though. :'''MJ''': Funny. It's exactly how I pictured it. ''[Leaves the room]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Spider-Man''': ''[about MJ]'' Did she … change her perfume…? Focus, Pete. Focus. <hr width=50%/> :''[Spider crawls on the ceiling, where he finds more demons mask guys]'' :'''Demon #8''': ''(In Japanese)'' ''[Move!]'' :'''Rose Rosemann''': Yes. Alright. Of course. :'''Spider-Man''': Should clear these guys out before I push foward… <hr width=50%/> :'''Demon #9''': ''(In Japanese)'' ''[Fisk's men are desperate. They should be.]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Mary Jane Watson''': OK Pete, I'm hidden near the front. Give the word and I'll make a break for it. :'''Spider-Man''': Will do. How about that file? What's in it that these guys want so bad? :'''MJ''': Notes on something called "Devil's Breath." Fisk was hired to build a secret research lab for it. Not clear what Devil's Breath is, but it seemed to scare Fisk. He compares it to "Pandora's Box." :'''Spider-Man''': Not much shook Fisk … we need to get you and that file out of here. Hang tight. <hr width=50%/> :'''Demon #10''': ''(In Japanese)'' ''[Stand by, I heard a sound.]'' :''[As the mask man is being lure by the webbing sounds, Spidey does a Perch Takedown]'' :'''Spider-Man''': There we go… Gotta stay silent. ''[As he takes out the remaining guys]'' Okay, room is clear. <hr width=50%/> :'''Demon #11''': ''(In Japanese)'' ''[No hesitation…]'' :'''Spider-Man''': Keep it tight, Pete. ''[As he webs him up on the ceiling]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Spider-Man''': Easy does it. :'''Demon #12''': ''(In Japanese)'' ''[Continuing my sweep.]'' :'''Demon #13''': ''[As a web was being fired]'' ''(In Japanese)'' ''[Anyone else hear that?]'' :''[As one of them goes to investigate, Spidey webs up the other one above.]'' :'''Spider-Man''': Man … Fisk had a lot of stuff. :'''Demon #13''': ''(In Japanese)'' ''[What the help was that?]'' :'''Spider-Man''': ''[As he knocks him out]'' You literally didn't see that coming. That's all of them. :'''Mary Jane Watson''': NO! LET ME GO! :'''Spider-Man''': MJ! <hr width=50%/> :''[Mary Jane is being dragged and thrown across the floor. She tries to hold on to the file, but one demon punches her in the head and takes it, while another one aims a gun at her]'' :'''Mary Jane Watson''': Stop! :'''Spider-Man''': ''[As he charges in]'' No. :''[Spider webs and graps all the guns from the bad guys, free MJ and Rosemann]'' :'''Spider-Man''': HIDE! :''[The two woman run as Spidey takes the demon guys down]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Mary Jane Watson''': ''[to Rosemann]'' Get in the office! :'''Demon #14''': ''(In Japanese)'' ''[Take cover!]'' :'''Spider-Man''': Not cool with the hostage taking, guys. :'''Demon #15''': ''(In Japanese)'' ''[Flank him!]'' :'''Spider-Man''': Whoa … what is up with that glow-y stuff on your hands? Are you guys … ghosts? Never fought a ghost before… :'''Demon #16''': ''(In Japanese)'' ''[Look out, webs!]'' :'''Spider-Man''': I mean. I've fought spectres, but, you know, technically, spectres aren't ghosts. "All ghosts are spectres, but not all spectres are ghosts" you know what I mean? :'''Demon #17''': ''(In Japanese)'' ''[Die!]'' :'''Spider-Man''': Ehh. Seems like this is an energy thing, not a ghost thing. All good. "Fight a ghost" stays on the old bucket list. :'''Demon #18''': ''(In Japanese)'' ''[You will break like any man.]'' :''[One of the guy charges in the room with a scythe]'' :'''Demon #19''': ''(In Japanese)'' ''[Today you die.]'' :'''Demon #20''': ''(In Japanese)'' ''[What'd he hit us with?!]'' :'''Demon #21''': ''(In Japanese)'' ''[The boss will not accept defeat!]'' :'''Spider-Man''': ''[After he defeats all of them]'' Whew. That was a work-out. <hr width=50%/> :''[Spidey picks up one of the bad guys wooden mask]'' :'''Spider-Man''': Hm. Looks antique. I think I know someone who can help track down where this came from… ''[Hears sirens coming]'' …a job for later. ''[Leaves]'' :''[The police are here and are already investigating the crime scene]'' :'''Rose Rosemann''': ''[Walks up to MJ]'' I just talked to Craig. You are not the reporter he was sending. You don't even work for Heritage Arts. :'''Mary Jane Watson''': Never said I did. ''[Hold out her hand]'' Hi. Mary Jane Watson. Daily Bugle. :'''Rose Rosemann''': You … you will not write a word of what you saw here. :'''MJ''': ''[She pulls on her camera and begins recording]'' For the record, what do you know about the file those masked men stole? :'''Rose Rosemann''': That … I don't … :'''MJ''': What about the long history of stolen goods Fisk has laundered at this auction house? :'''Rose Rosemann''': Your editor will be hearing from our attorney. :''[As Mary Jane turns off and puts away her camera, she got a text from Peter saying "Hey you OK?" She texted back "Fine But they got away with the file." Peter responds "Sorry. I'll make it up to you. Dinner at Mick's?"]'' :'''MJ''': Mick's? Like the last six months never happened? ''(sighs heavily)'' ''[She text to him " Sure, see you in a few."]'' <hr width=50%/> :''[Peter and MJ are having dinner at a restaurant called Mick's]'' :'''Mary Jane Watson''': Since when did Nick's become Italian? :'''Peter Parker''': No idea…but I'm still glad he makes these fries. :'''MJ''': Totally, best in the city. :'''Peter''': So, how's the grind at the Bugle? :'''MJ''': Mm well.. ''[Looks at her phone]'' Yeah well, I just got an all-caps text from Robbie about my so-called 'antics' tonight. So, looks like I'll be meeting with the legal team. Again. :'''Peter''': Nah, soon as he reads the article you're gonna write. Guaranteed promotion. :'''MJ''': So. Creepy mask guys. What's your take? :'''Peter''': Just another night in the city. What's your take? :'''MJ''': Hm. I feel like there's a bigger story there… ''[Pauses]'' Let's not make this all about business. How's it going with you? Did you get that promotion? :'''Peter''': No, but we're on the cusp of something really big. :'''MJ''': You know Oscorp would hire you in a heartbeat, right? One phone call to Harry… :'''Peter''': Sure. But Dr. Octavius' work will help millions. I'm right where I want to be-- right where I *should* be. :'''MJ''': Almost sounds like it's more important than your other job. I've never heard you talk like that before. :'''Peter''': A lot can change in six months. :'''MJ''': ''[Pauses]'' Why did you ask me her, Pete? :'''Peter''': You know, just…um…just dinner between friends. :'''MJ''': Friends. Is that what we are? :'''Peter''': I-I mean we could be. You know. If…if that's what you wanted. :'''MJ''': ''(sighs)'' There's a lot of baggage here. :'''Peter''': Yeah sure but, is that so bad? I mean baggage can carry good things too. Like uh--money and uh, keys, and raspberry lip balm. :'''MJ''': Do you remember why we broke up? :'''Peter''': This is a trick question, isn't it? :''[Police cars are speeding by them in the window outside]'' :'''MJ''': Saved by the siren. :'''Peter''': Talk to you later? :'''MJ''': Go. :''[As Peter rushes our the restaurant, MJ ponders her opinion about their relationship. As she gets up and heads out too, she is greeted out by Stan Lee as a short order cook]'' :'''Short Order Cook''': Love seeing you two together again! You always were my favourites. ===Main Mission - A Shocking Comeback=== :'''Spider-Man''': ''[Calls Yuri]'' Hey it's me. What's with the units heading down thrid? :'''Yuri Watanabe''': Looks like our old friend Herman Schltz is at it again. :'''Spider-Man''': Shocker. Didn't he just get paroled? :'''Yuri Watanabe''': Yeah, well, guess it didn't take. :'''Spider-Man''': No worries-- Herman's just a big cupcake. I'll have him back in Ryker's by bedtime. ''[Hangs up]'' Just had dinner with my ex after saving her from masked criminals… and now I'm gonna go beat up a maniac who uses shock waves to rob people. What a perfectly normal life you have, Peter Parker. <hr width=50%/> :''[On his way to stop Shocker, he gets a call from Dr. Octavius]'' :'''Dr. Otto Octavius''': Peter, I just want to make sure you haven't left any equipment you've built for your… friend… around the lab. It's no bother to me, but if the grant committee stops by again -- :'''Spider-Man''': Don't worry, Doc, I make a point not to leave anything there. But I know my "friend" appreciates you looking out for him. There's a lot of people who don't like him very much. :'''Otto''': That buffoon Jameson and his audience of sheep? Please. The people who do great things in this world are those who don't let bullies like him stand in their way. People like us! :'''Spider-Man''': You said a mouthful, Doc. Take care. <hr width=50%/> :''[Spider arrives just as Shocker is about to make his get away]'' :'''Shocker''': ''(goans)'' :'''Spider-Man''': Hi, Herman. :'''Shocker''': Seriously? Grr… <hr width=50%/> :''[Spider-Man begins to chase Shocker around the city]'' :'''Shocker''': Give it up. You're never gonna catch me. :'''Spider-Man''': That's what you said last time. :'''Shocker''': I don't wanna hurt you, it'll just slow me down. :'''Spider-Man''': Wow, that's…considerate. <hr width=50%/> :'''Spider-Man''': What's the money for, Herman? :'''Shocker''': Why do you care? :'''Spider-Man''': Actually, I don't. Just trying to make polite conversation… :'''Shocker''': I'm done talking. :'''Spider-Man''': But this could be so much more rewarding if we connected on an emotional level… Wait, I forgot, you don't have emotions. <hr width=50%/> :'''Spider-Man''': C'mon, Herman. At least talk to me so we can make it interesting. Herman? C'mon. Do you only answer to "Shocker" now? Mister Shocker? <hr width=50%/> :''[Spider-Man ketch up and caughts Shocker]'' :'''Spider-Man''': Gotcha. Now let's talk-- :'''Shocker''': I said I'm…*DONE*…*TALKING*! :''[Shocker punches Spider on the ground and makes a runs again]'' :'''Spider-Man''': Noted. <hr width=50%/> :''[The chase still continues]'' :'''Spider-Man''': Honestly Herman, why are you robbing again? You know the police are watching your every move. I mean, we all know you're kinda dumb, but I didn't think you were *this* dumb. You must be desperate. Which means you're not just stealing for yourself. You must be working with someone. Or *for* someone… You can tell me who it is now, or make me punch it out of you later. Your choice! :'''Shocker''': I've said enough. :'''Spider-Man''': Gotta hurry. <hr width=50%/> :'''Spider-Man''': ''[As Shocker using a full shock wave blast at him]'' Move-move-move! <hr width=50%/> :''[Spider-Man finally caught Shocker and webs his arms to himself and webs him to the ground]'' :'''Spider-Man''': You know what Herman, you have like zero personality… but your suit is awesome. Can we talk design details? ''[Shocker struggles]'' Maybe later. <hr width=50%/> :''[Yuri and the cops arrive and are taking Shocker to an holding cell]'' :'''Yuri Watanabe''': Good work, Spider-Man. Did you learn anything about his motive? :'''Spider-Man''': I tried. But he's not very talkative. Plus, I think he hates me. :'''Yuri Watanabe''': You have that effect on a lot of people. :'''Spider-Man''': But you love me, right Yuri? :'''Yuri Watanabe''': I tolerate you. :'''Spider-Man''': Wow. That might be the nicest thing you've ever said to me. ===Main Mission - My Mask=== :'''Spider-Man''': Looks like I got some free time. Maybe now's a good time to look into that mask. ''[MJ's calling him]'' Oh. It's MJ. ''[Picks up]'' Hey MJ. You're up late. :'''Mary Jane Watson''': Just catching up on the news-- looks like you had quite an adventure with Shocker tonight. :'''Spider-Man''': Yeah, he was unusually combative. Anyway, thanks again for dinner, what do I owe you? :'''MJ''': How about a favour? You still have that mask from the gallery? :'''Spider-Man''': Yeah. I'm actually on my way to the F.E.A.S.T. Center now to ask Martin Li about it. :'''MJ''': Martin Li? Why? :'''Spider-Man''': He has a degree in Art History. If anyone knows about the origins of that mask, he will. :'''MJ''': Just keep me in the loop. Like I said, I think there's a bigger story here. And I plan to be the one to break it. :'''Spider-Man''': Uh, sure. So I can call you, like whenever? :'''MJ''': Yeah. Whenever, whatever. :'''Spider-Man''': So I guess we're talking again. Cool. <hr width=50%/> :'''Spider-Man''': Almost morning, Mr. Li will be he soon. I could use a snack… :''[Spidey sits on the roof of the F.E.A.S.T. Center with a cup of coffee and a bagle, checking his e-mails]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Peter Parker''': Mr. Li's usually in his office now. <hr width=50%/> :'''Peter Parker''': You guys holding up all right? :'''Eileen''': This moron thinks I'm gonna move in with my daughter. :'''Peter''': Hey, that'd be great! :'''Eileen''': She hasn't asked. And she's not gonna. I'm not going anywhere. :'''Cam''': You don't know that. Nobody does. :'''Peter''': Well, I'm not going anywhere. That's a promise. <hr width=50%/> :'''Peter Parker''': ''[Looks at the food on the kitchen table]'' The partnership with restaurants and grocery stores works great. Any surplus food comes right here. <hr width=50%/> :''[Peter knocks on the door as he about to enter Martin's office]'' :'''Martin Li''': Peter! What can I do for you? :'''Peter Parker''': I'm sorry to bother you, Mr. Li… I have a friend, Mary Jane, she's a reporter … She's doing a story about art imports, and she found this piece… and she wanted an expert opinion on it, and I know you have a degree-- :'''Martin Li''': And this might be the first time I actually get to use it. Let's see what you have. ''[Peter then shows him the wooden mask]'' Interesting. ''[Then holds the mask]'' Where'd she find it…? :'''Peter''': Um…I'm really not sure. Why, what is it? :'''Martin Li''': A replica of an antique Chinese opera mask. I haven't seen one in years. This symbol here roughly translates to "Demon." :'''Peter''': Demon…? :'''Martin Li''': Well, my father read me ghost stories with that mask and symbol in it when I was young. Scared the he'll out of me. ''[Pauses]'' Peter, listen. That mask, it's… it could be connected to dangerous people. Mary Jane might want to find a different story. :'''Peter''': You think she's in trouble? :'''Martin Li''': ''(sighs)'' I don't know. ''[Pauses]'' Why take the risk? <hr width=50%/> :''[As soon as Peter steps outside Li's office, he calls Mary Jane]'' :'''Mary Jane Watson''': Hey. :'''Peter Parker''': The symbol inside the mask means "Demons." It really spooked Mr. Li. Never seen him like that. He even said you should drop the story. :'''MJ''': Fat chance. Do you think Mr. Li knows more than he's letting on? :'''Peter''': No, I think he just had a weird flashback or something. I know his childhood was pretty traumatic… :'''MJ''': Yeah, make sense. Demons, huh? Catchy name. Okay, gotta get writing. See you soon. ''[Hangs up]'' :'''Peter''': Well, that went about as well as I could've hoped… <hr width=50%/> :'''Homeless Woman #1''': I never used to feel safe at any other shelter. This one, I've never had a problem. :'''Homeless Woman #2''': There's always someone looking out for us. <hr width=50%/> :''[Peter looks at the board where all the communities that support the F.E.A.S.T. Center.]'' :'''Peter Parker''': You know, the business community's really stepped up… both job training and hiring. Well, most of 'em. Sad not to see Oscorp here. <hr width=50%/> :'''Homeless Man''': I can patch these shoes, they'll last a while yet… <hr width=50%/> :'''Spider-Man''': Got some time to kill before Doc needs me at the lab. Let's do a little spidey-work out in the city. ===Main Mission - Day to Remember=== :''[As Peter is heading it of F.E.A.S.T., his Aunt May calls him]'' :'''Aunt May''': Peter, Mr. Li spoke to me...he seemed worried. Are you into something dangerous? :'''Spider-Man''': Oh, it's just a story Mary Jane's investigation. Don't worry, I'll make sure she's careful. :'''Aunt May''': Please tell me you two are back together. :'''Spider-Man''': We're talking again. Baby steps. I hope I didn't upset Mr. Li. :'''Aunt May''': He's just concerned. I was actually touched by how concerned. I knew he likes you - he admires how dedicated you are to helping others. I think you remind him of himself when he was younger. Both orphans, both so smart... :'''Spider-Man''': Well the admiration's mutual. You've got a good boss, May. :'''Aunt May'''': I'll tell him you said so. Love you, Peter. ''[Hangs up]'' <hr width=50%/> :''[Otto is calling Peter while he swinging for the lab]'' :'''Spider-Man''': Hello? :'''Dr. Otto Octavius''': Peter, it's Dr. Octavius. :'''Spider-Man''': Oh, hey, what's up? :'''Otto''': Lance Corporal Texidor is here for a fitting. :'''Spider-Man''': I totally forgot! I mean, I didn't forget-forget, I just...uh, I'll be there soon. :'''Otto''': ''(sighs)'' This tardiness is starting to become a pattern. Come on, Parker. You're better than this. ''[Hangs up]'' :'''Spider-Man''': Ugh, he's right. How did I lose track of time? Grr... <hr width=50%/> :'''Veteran''': How does it work? :'''Dr. Otto Octavius''': Just like a natural arm. You think of what you want it to do, and... :''[Through shire will, the veteran picks up the cup with the robotic arm]'' :'''Peter Parker''': Yes!! :''[Both Peter and Otto chuckles of excitement that their project work, when suddenly they were interrupted by a group of people that barged into the lab]'' :'''Peter''': Hey! Hey! Wh-what do you think you're doing? :'''City Worker''': This site's been declared a safety hazard. :''[She hands a clipboard to Peter, while the city workers began confiscating their stuff]'' :'''Otto''': Stop that right now! This is highly sensitive equipment. That's it. I'm calling the mayor's office directly! :'''Norman Osborn''': Peter Parker! How the hell are you. :'''Otto''': Speak of the Devil. :'''Peter''': Mr. Osborn, what -- :'''Norman''': Oh please. How long have we known each other? It's "Mr. Mayor." ''(jokingly laughs)'' It's Norman. Norman! :'''Otto''': Norman, what do you think you're doing? :'''Norman''': The grant agreement you signed has strict safety provisions. This isn't your first violation. :'''Otto''': ''(sighs)'' Those were excused -- :'''Norman''': By me. We should have confiscated this equipment long ago. :'''Otto''': But, but I've had a breakthrough -- ''[shows him the arm]'' :'''Norman''': ''[to the Veteran]'' ''(chuckles)'' Thank you for your great service to our country. These folks will escorted you to Oscorp Robotics, where you'll receive the latest in prosthetics, no charge. :'''Otto''': This isn't about safety infractions, is it? :'''Norman''': I'm trying to help you, Otto. You're free to continue your work... in a secure environment. :'''Otto''': At Oscorp. :'''Norman''': You always were the smartest guy in the room. :'''Otto''': You haven't changed a bit. :'''Norman''': Neither have you. ''[turns to Peter]'' Hey, Peter, Harry will be coming back from Europe early next year. Maybe the two of you can start that business you always talked about. This is opportunity knocking. :''[Everyone is gone, leaving Otto and Peter alone in the lab]'' :'''Peter''': Easy, easy, easy. They didn't take everything. Maybe we can start all over-- :'''Otto''': Peter... there's no "we." Without the grant from the city, I can no longer pay you. I need some time to think. If I were you... I'd look for a new job. ===Main Mission - Harry's Passion Project=== :''[Just outside the lab]'' :'''Spider-Man''': Wish I could do something to help Doc… maybe call Harry? Ash him to talk to his dad? No… Norman never listens to Harry. Even tried to kill funding for his research stations. Hey. One of those stations is nearby. Should see how they're doing while Harry's in Europe… <hr width=50%/> :''[On his way to a research station]'' :'''Spider-Man''': Must be some way to help Doc… I'll think of something… <hr width=50%/> :''[At the research station]'' :'''Spider-Man''': Harry left me a message about these before he left for Europe… :''[Plays Harry's message]'' :'''Harry Osborn''': Pete, I-I need a favour. My Mom's pet project was research stations that could benefit the public. Now I launched 'em, but now that I'm … away…Oscorp's gonna shut them down unless they prove their value. I was hoping you could watch 'em? I left details in each one. Thanks, man … as long as they're here, it's like part of my mom is too. ''[Message ends]'' :'''Spider-Man''': Well, it's not gonna pay the bills, but it sounds like it means a lot to him. I'll do what I can to help. <hr width=50%/> :''[Spider enters the station labeled "Snapping up Smog]'' Snapping up Smog This is another of our air quality stations, monitoring contaminants in the surrounding atmosphere. Super important for the city and its citizens … but certain corporate overlords are less than thrilled by the prospect of their pollution output being publicly reported. :''[A message from Harry begins as Peter goes through the data]'' :'''Harry Osborn''': I've got a couple stations measuring air pollution. The idea's to catch…oh, what's the word… contaminants before they reach toxic levels. Between you and me, I think Oscorp wants this to fail 'cause it might show they're polluting. ''[Message ends]'' :'''Spider-Man''': The amount of polycyclic hydrocarbons in the air is way too high… and rising. If it keeps getting worse, people could die. The particles are concentrating in trouble spots… like mini-clouds of smog. I'll swing through them and get samples, then trace 'em to the source. <hr width=50%/> :''[As Spidey is swinging through the cloud smog]'' :'''Spider-Man''': Nasty as they are, I gotta swing right through those clouds. <hr width=50%/> :'''Spider-Man''': For these clouds to be visible to the naked eye, the level of toxins must be up there. <hr width=50%/> :'''Spider-Man''': Aaand, gotcha. <hr width=50%/> :'''Spider-Man''': I'm getting some good stuff… well, good samples of bad stuff anyway. <hr width=50%/> :'''Spider-Man''': ''(coughing)'' Got it. ''(coughs)'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Spider-Man''': ''(coughing)'' GAH! It feels like I'm breathing from a tailpipe… ''(coughs)'' <hr width=50%/> :''[After Spivey collects all the samples]'' :'''Spider-Man''': Huh. The toxin's coming from two types of cars… and a faulty smokestack. I better get photos. ''[Snaps camera]'' Perfect. ''[Snaps camera]'' Great light on that one. <hr width=50%/> :'''Spider-Man''': ''[Snapshot a photo of the smokestack]'' Best smokestack picture I ever took. The Department of Environmental Protection will take it from here. Maybe I should make a green spider costume for Earth Day. <hr width=50%/> :''[After completing the mission]'' :'''Spider-Man''': Well, Harry's station just stopped a public health crisis. Oscorp's gonna have a hard time arguing it's not useful. ===Main Mission - Financial Shock=== :'''Yuri Watanabe''': ''[Calling Spidey]'' Spider-Man. Shocker has escaped. And now he's robbing a bank on East Thirty-First. :'''Spider-Man''': What happened? I thought he was behind bars? :'''Yuri Watanabe''': He was. But one of the guards just walked up to his cell and released him, then gave him his suit back. :'''Spider-Man''': I *knew* Shocker was working for someone. What'd you get out of the guard? :'''Yuri Watanabe''': Wish I could ask him, but he's dead. Whoever made him released Shocker didn't want any lose ends. :'''Spider-Man''': Damn. :'''Yuri Watanabe''': Looking at the security footage, the guard was in some kind of trance. And it might have been the lighting, but it looked like his eyes were glowing. :'''Spider-Man''': Well that's creepy. Okay, I'll see what I can get out of Shocker when I get to the bank. ''[Hangs up]'' <hr width=50%/> :''[On his way to the bank, MJ calls him]'' :'''Mary Jane Watson''': Peter, I've been looking into the Demons. Sounds like they've quietly established a power base in the vacuum left by Fisk. :'''Spider-Man''': A vacuum I created by putting Fisk away. Jameson was right, the Demons are my fault. :'''MJ''': What were you supposed to do, let Fisk keep Godfather-ing? Are you okay? You sound even mopier than usual. :'''Spider-Man''': I think I might've just lost my job. The city - Norman, actually - pulled our funding. :'''MJ''': Oh Pete…I'm sorry. If Harry were here he could talk some sense into his dad. You'll find another source. Your work's too important. :'''Spider-Man''': Thanks, MJ. Talk to you soon. ''[Hangs up]'' ===Main Mission - Wheels within Wheels=== :''' Agent Venom:''' I am here in Brooklyn New York Spider- Man my parents lives in Houston Texas Spider Man you did that happen do you :''' Spider-Man:''' Bryan, you here in Brooklyn New York that you are next Brooklyn Bridge, you did good job Bryan :''' Agent Venom:''' why thank you Spider Man, Before my first time had a very good day :''' Mary Jane Watson:''' after 4:00P.M. you take a showers Bryan, that after this demons are dangerous ===Main Mission - Home Sweet Home=== ===Main Mission - Stakeout=== ===Main Mission - Couch Surfing=== ===Main Mission - Straw, Meet Camel=== ===Main Mission - And the Award Goes to…=== ==Act II== ===Main Mission - Dual Purpose=== ===Main Mission - Hidden Agenda=== ===Main Mission - A Fresh Start=== ===Main Mission - Dinner Date=== ===Main Mission - Up the Water Spout…=== ===Main Mission - What's in the Box?=== ===Main Mission - Back in School=== ===Main Mission - Spider-Hack=== ===Main Mission - Uninvited=== ===Main Mission - Strong Connections=== ===Main Mission - First Day=== :'''Ernie''': Piece of junk! :''[Miles turns to see Ernie hitting a TV.]'' :'''Ernie''': Aw, hell! My dick fell off :'''Miles''': ''[Approaches Ernie]'' Uh, you mind if I take a look? :'''Ernie''': Eh? :'''Miles''': Oh, we have a couple of CRT's at school. I know how to fix these when they&ndash; :'''Ernie''': CR-what? No, no, you just gotta&ndash; ''[Starts hitting the TV]'' &ndash;smack it a couple times! Get it goin'! :'''Miles''': Or it could be a loose coax cable. :'''Ernie''': Alright, alright. Be my guest, Mister Smarty Pants. Please, go ahead. :''[As Ernie picks up his mug from a chair, Miles puts down the coffee pot on the floor. Miles fixes the cable on the TV. The TV shows a news report about Jefferson's death.]'' :'''Reporter''': Tributes continue to pour in for Officer Jefferson Davis, the hero killed in the City Hall bombing&ndash; :''[Miles becomes saddened over seeing the new report.]'' :'''Reporter''': &ndash;as reports emerge that he used his own body to shield others in his last moments of life. :''[Miles picks up the coffee pot.]'' :'''Ernie''': ''[Sitting on the chair]'' Hey, new kid, I'm empty here. :''[Miles pours coffee into Ernie's mug.]'' :'''Reporter''': Davis is survived by his wife Rio and son Miles, as well as a brother, Aaron. In addition to the praise and condolences from heads of state and celebrities, his fellow officers say Davis' heroic actions were typical of him. :'''Ernie''': Hero? He didn't do nothing heroic except get himself blown up. :'''Peter''': ''[Approaches Miles and Ernie]'' Hey, Ernie, I see you've met Miles. He's gonna be helping out around here. You may have heard of his father Jefferson Davis. :'''Reporter''': Captain Yuriko Watanabe called him, quote, "a true hero," the epitome of what every police officer should aspire to be, and one of the finest men I've ever had the honour to work with. Jefferson Davis was a seventeen year veteran of the force, and was awarded several commendations in that time. most recently when he saved innocent bystanders from being run down by an armoured vehicle carrying illegal weapons stolen by the notorious Demon gang. :'''Peter''': Pretty great that even though he's got a lot of stuff going on right now, he decided to come and volunteer. Don't you think? :'''Ernie''': Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Thanks. ''[Stands up]'' Uh, listen, kid, I'm&ndash; I'm&ndash; sorry about your dad. :'''Peter''': Come on, Miles, let's see if Aunt May needs a hand in the kitchen. :''[Peter and Miles head into the kitchen.]'' ===Main Mission - Collison Course=== ===Main Mission - The One That Got Away…=== ===Main Mission - Breakthrough=== ===Main Mission - Reflection=== ===Main Mission - Out of the Frying Pan…=== ==Act III== ===Main Mission - Quaratine=== ===Main Mission - Into the Fire=== :''[On the roof.]'' :'''Spider-Man''': Is May okay? :'''MJ''': Everyone's safe. :'''Spider-Man''': MJ. If it weren't for you and Miles. I would've been&ndash; :'''MJ''': &ndash;as dead as I would've been the last 8 1/2 thousand times you saved me. Pretty sure I still owe you a few. :'''Spider-Man''': ''[Chuckles, then groans]'' That's smart. :'''MJ''': Hey. I'm sorry I screwed things up. It's just&ndash; hard being the one who always gets saved, you know? Sometimes I wanna do the saving. :'''Spider-Man''': I'm sorry I made you feel like you couldn't. Still partners? :'''MJ''': Always. ===Main Mission - Picking up the Trail=== ===Main Mission - Streets of Poison=== :''[After using the computer to make the antidote, Spider-Man finds himself back in the lab in the real world.]'' :'''Spider-Man''': I think I did it. ''[Realizes he is in his boxers]'' Where'd my suit go? I think I took decontamination a little too far. I'd better put some clothes on. :''[A few seconds later.]'' :'''Spider-Man''': ''[With his suit on]'' Much better. Let's just go ahead and forget that ever happened. :''[Spider-Man leaves the lab.]'' ===Main Mission - Supply Run=== ===Main Mission - Heavy Hitter=== ===Main Mission - Step Into My Parlour…=== :''[MJ approaches a dresser with a phone.]'' :'''Harry''': ''[Through voicemail]'' Hey, Dad. On my way to Dr. Michael's for one last shot before the, um&ndash; the big trip. Uh&ndash; Hey, if you're gonna meet there, could you grab my journal from my room? I just wanted to record some thoughts on the big bon voyage day. ''[Chuckles]'' Anyway. Listen, I know I don't say this enough, but&ndash; thank you, Dad. You know, for doing this. I love you. :'''MJ''': Wow. Haven't heard Harry's voice in so long. He sounds so&ndash; tired. Let's hope that journal is still here. Gotta check his room. ---- :''[MJ walks out into the outdoor pool area.]'' :'''MJ''': Ugh, Norman would have a pool. New York is about subway rats and street pizza, not sunbathing and umbrella drinks. ---- :''[After tasering the Sable agent from behind with the stun gun, MJ turns to see the Sable agents running towards her.]'' :'''Sable agent''': Hey! Boss, we got her! :''[MJ throws down a flower shelf in front of the glass door, blocking it.]'' :'''MJ''': ''[On her earpiece communicator]'' Pete, you here? :''[The agents shoulder charge against the door.]'' :'''Spider-Man''': ''[Over MJ's earpiece communicator]'' Turning off Lex now. Are you okay? :'''MJ''': ''[On her earpiece communicator]'' I will be in a few seconds. Northwest corner. :''[As MJ runs to the balcony, Sable approaches the glass door and shoots through it with her blasters. As MJ climbs up on the balcony, Sable and the agents start running towards her.]'' :'''MJ''': ''[On her earpiece communicator]'' Hey, you ready? :'''Spider-Man''': ''[Over MJ's earpiece communicator]'' Wait, wait, hold on! :'''MJ''': ''[On her earpiece communicator]'' Too late! You're up! ''[Jumps off the balcony]'' :''[As MJ falls through the air, Spider-Man swings in and catches her.]'' :'''Spider-Man''': You are crazy. :'''MJ''': You're amazing. :''[Spider-Man and MJ swing away.]'' ===Main Mission - Heart of the Matter=== :'''Otto Octavius:''' That look on your face... You can't imagine how satisfying it is. Ready for your final act? <hr width=50%/> :'''Spider-Man:''' Thank you. :'''Silver Sable:''' Thank me by not dying. <hr width=50%/> :'''Spider-Man:''' I need to find Otto. He has the antiserum. :'''MJ:''' Maybe you can't. Maybe Spider-Man needs a little help from his friend Peter. <hr width=50%/> :'''MJ:''' Go get 'em, Tiger. :''' Agent Venom''': Tiger you go get' em you big enough for Spider Man ===Main Mission - Pax in Bello=== :'''Silver Sable:''' I must leave New York. Recent events… give me pause. Your rescue of Osborn, despite his hatred… it affected me. I must return home, reflect on this life I choose. :'''Spider-Man:''' Dang… I think I’m gonna miss you and your death troopers. <hr width=50%/> :'''Silver Sable:''' I will miss you and your bizarre witticisms, Spider-Man. Until we meet again. :'''Spider-Man:''' What a strange, violent lady. <hr width=50%/> :'''Spider-Man:''' We did the impossible, Doc. But now I have to destroy it. With a little creation of my own... <hr width=50%/> :'''Otto Octavius:''' Now... The truth. :'''Norman Osborn:''' The truth? Okay... The truth is, you were only ever worth a damn when you worked for me! The truth is, you could never accept that I'm better than you! You're a failure, Otto! And you always will be! <hr width=50%/> :'''Spider-Man:''' Give me the antiserum! Otto. You worked your whole life to help people. Please... :'''Otto Octavius:''' You're fighting the wrong man. But have it your way. <hr width=50%/> :'''Spider-Man:''' I know your weaknesses! :''' Agent Venom''': doctor octopus and thank you :''' Otto Octavius''': thank you for everything :'''Otto Octavius:''' '''I ''have'' no weaknesses!''' <hr width=50%/> :''[Peter's mask has just been damaged, revealing a portion of his face. He hides it away from a rapidly-approaching Octavius.]'' :'''Otto Octavius:''' Such a disappointment... ''Parker.'' :''[Peter pauses in shock and turns to face him.]'' :'''Spider-Man:''' You knew...? :'''Otto Octavius:''' I tried to warn you, Peter. But you didn't listen! :''[Peter looks down for a second before meeting Otto's gaze, enraged.]'' :'''Spider-Man:''' You ''knew''! :'''Otto Octavius:''' I won't let you win... :''[Otto lunges for Peter, who quickly takes a position at the top of the tower.]'' :'''Otto Octavius:''' This means too much to me! :'''Spider-Man:''' Not more than it means '''''to me'''''! <hr width=50%/> :'''Spider-Man:''' Please...! Think of the man you were! :'''Otto Octavius:''' That man is gone. You can't save me, Peter! :'''Spider-Man:''' Then I guess you'll have to save yourself! <hr width=50%/> :'''Otto Octavius:''' You look tired, Parker. :'''Spider-Man:''' Not tired! Just ''hurt.'' <hr width=50%/> :''[Peter makes to grab the antiserum from a prone Octavius, but Octavius grabs Peter's wrist.]'' :'''Otto Octavius:''' Peter... I saw you as a son... I should've known you'd turn on me, just like all the others. :'''Peter Parker:''' "Turn"--? I ''worshipped'' you! Your mind. Your conscience, wanting to help others. The way you never gave up! :''[Otto pulls Parker closer.]'' :'''Otto Octavius:''' That's because men like us have a duty. A responsibility, to use our talents in the service of others even if they don't appreciate it! We have to do what's best for those ''beneath'' us. :''[Peter rips his wrist out of Otto's grasp, clearly upset.] :'''Peter Parker:''' No, you're wrong! ''You were everything I wanted to be!'' You just-- :''[Peter picks up one of Octavius' arms, then throws it on the ground.]'' :'''Peter Parker:''' Threw it away! :''[Peter begins to walk away, but Octavius calls out--]'' :'''Otto Octavius:''' Yes, of course! You're right, Peter! The neural interface! It affected my mind! But I can fix it. ''We'' can fix it, together. If you'll help me. :'''Peter Parker:''' I'll do everything I can. I'll make sure you get the best help-- :'''Otto Octavius:''' '''''No!''''' If they put me away... ''they'll take my arms!'' Peter... That wasn't me! You said you'd never abandon me. You promised, you remember? :''[Peter looks conflicted for a moment. Octavius' face turns sinister.]'' :'''Otto Octavius:''' And, of course, you'll rest easy... Knowing your secret is safe with me. :'''Peter Parker:''' ...You do what you think is best, Doc. It's all any of us can. :''[Peter walks away.]'' :'''Otto Octavius:''' Peter...? :'''Peter Parker:''' [to himself] Even when it hurts like hell. :'''Otto Octavius:''' Peter, where are you going? Peter?! '''''PETER!''''' <hr width=50%/> :'''Spider-Man:''' You're gonna be okay, ma'am. I've got the cure right here. :'''May Parker:''' Take off that mask. I wanna see my nephew. :''[Peter complies with tears in his eyes.]'' :'''Peter Parker:''' You knew...? :'''May Parker:''' I've known for a while. :'''Peter Parker:''' I never wanted you to worry... :'''May Parker:''' I did. And I am so proud of you. And Ben would be, too. All the people you've saved... :'''Peter Parker:''' I don't know what to do! :'''May Parker:''' Yes, you do. ==Voice Cast== * {{w|Yuri Lowenthal}} - [[w:Spider-Man|Peter Parker/Spider-Man]] * {{w|Laura Bailey}} - [[w:Mary Jane Watson|Mary Jane Watson]] * {{w|Travis Willingham}} - [[w:Kingpin (character)|Wilson Fisk/Kingpin]] * {{w|Tara Platt}} - Captain [[w:Wraith (Marvel Comics)#Yuri Watanabe|Yuri Watanabe]] * {{w|William Salyers}} - [[w:Doctor Octopus|Dr. Otto Octavius]] * {{w|Nancy Linari}} - [[w:Aunt May|Aunt May Parker]] * {{w|Stephen Oyoung}} - [[w:Mister Negative|Martin Li]] * {{w|Mark Rolston}} - Mayor [[w:Norman Osborn|Norman Osborn]] * {{w|Dave B. Mitchell}} - [[w:Shocker (comics)|Shocker]] * {{w|Darin De Paul}} - [[w:J. Jonah Jameson|J. Jonah Jameson]] * {{w|Scott Porter}} - [[w:Harry Osborn|Harry Osborn]] [[Category:2018 video games]][[Category:PlayStation 4 video games]] [[Category:Superhero video games]] [[Category:Spiderman (video games)]] 9sfrxd8eevwhmt4wqfu5lxy9qio154h 0 222462 3152924 3151236 2022-08-09T14:23:58Z Christian M. (2016) 2888911 /* Dialogue */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} [[File:Star Wars The Rise of Skywalker.png|thumb|A thousand [[generations]] [[live]] in you [[now]]. But this is your [[fight]].]] '''''[[w:Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker|Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker]]''''' (also known as '''''Star Wars: Episode IX – The Rise of Skywalker''''') is a 2019 American epic space opera film directed by J. J. Abrams, and written by J.J. Abrams and Chris Terrio. It is the third and last film in the Star Wars sequel trilogy, following '''''[[Star Wars: The Last Jedi]]''''' (2017). == Opening crawl == * The dead speak! The galaxy has heard a mysterious broadcast, a threat of REVENGE in the sinister voice of the late EMPEROR PALPATINE. <br /> GENERAL LEIA ORGANA dispatches secret agents to gather intelligence, while REY, the last hope of the Jedi, trains for battle against the diabolical FIRST ORDER. <br /> Meanwhile, Supreme Leader KYLO REN rages in search of the phantom Emperor, determined to destroy any threat to his power.... == Dialogue == :'''Palpatine''': At last. Snoke trained you well. :'''Kylo Ren''': I killed Snoke. I'll kill you. :'''Palpatine''': My boy... I ''made'' Snoke. I have been every voice... ''[as Snoke]'' ...you have ever heard... ''[as Darth Vader]'' ...inside your head. ''[breathes]'' The First Order was just the beginning... I will give you so much more. :'''Ren''': You'll die first. :'''Palpatine''': I have died before. The dark side of the Force is a pathway to many abilities some consider to be... ''[lightning flashes, revealing Palpatine's decaying face]'' …unnatural. :'''Ren''': ''[raises his lightsaber at Palpatine]'' What could you give me? :'''Palpatine''': Everything. A ''new'' Empire. ''[raises his decaying hands, with electricity surging between his fingers. Suddenly, multiple ''Xyston''-class Star Destroyers rise from the ground]'' The might of the Final Order will soon be ready. It will be yours if you do as I ask: Kill the girl, end the Jedi, and become what your grandfather, Vader, could not. You will rule all the galaxy as the ''new'' Emperor. But beware: She is not who you think she is. :'''Ren''': ''[a bit confused yet intrigued]'' Who is she? ''[Palpatine smiles sinisterly]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[On the jungle world of Ajan Kloss, Rey is practicing using the Force with Leia training her]'' :'''Rey''': Be with me. Be with me. Be with me. ''[opens her eyes]'' They're not with me. :'''General Leia Organa''': Rey, be patient. :'''Rey''': I'm starting to think it's impossible to hear the voices of the Jedi who came before. :'''Leia''': Nothing is impossible. :'''Rey''': "Nothing is impossible." I'm going to run the training course. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rey''': Why did the Emperor come for me? Why did he want to kill a child? Tell me. :'''Ren''': Because he saw what you would become. You don't just have power. You have ''his'' power. You're his granddaughter. You... are a Palpatine. My mother was the daughter of Vader. Your father was the son of the Emperor. What Palpatine doesn't know is that we're a dyad in the Force, Rey. Two that are one. We'll kill him. Together. And take the throne. You know what you need to do. You know. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Poe''': ''[to Zorii]'' How long's it been like this? :'''Zorii''': First Order took most of the kids a long time ago. Can't stand the cries anymore. I've saved up enough to get out. I'm going to the Colonies. :'''Poe''': How? All those hyperlanes are blocked. That's the First Order Captain's medallion. I've never seen a real one. :'''Zorii''': Free passage through any blockade. Landing privileges, any vessel. ''[removes part of the helmet, revealing her eyes]'' Wanna come with me? :'''Poe''': ''[sighs]'' I can't walk out on this war. Not till it's over. Maybe it is. We sent out a call for help at the [[Star Wars: The Last Jedi|Battle of Crait]]. Nobody came. Everyone's so afraid. They've given up. :'''Zorii''': I don't believe you believe that. Hey. They win by making you think you're alone, remember. There's more of us. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Having ensured Finn and Poe got away with Chewie, General Hux shows up before Allegiant General Pryde walking on a cane and his leg wound]'' :'''General Hux''': It was a coordinated incursion, Allegiant General. They overpowered the guards and forced me to take them to their ship. :'''Allegiant General Pryde''': I see. ''[to female aide]'' Get me the Supreme Leader. :'''Aide''': Yes, sir. :'''Pryde''': ''[takes a Stormtrooper's blaster, kills Hux, and gives the Stormtrooper his weapon back; to aide]'' Tell him we found our spy. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ren''': Look at yourself. You wanted to prove to my mother that you were a Jedi, but you've proven something else. You can't go back to her now. Like I can't. :'''Rey''': ''[referring to the Sith wayfinder]'' Give it to me. :'''Ren''': The Dark Side is in our nature. Surrender to it. :'''Rey''': ''[sees the Sith wayfinder in Kylo Ren's hand]'' Give it... to me... ''now''! :'''Ren''': The only way you're getting to Exegol... is with me. ''[crushes the Wayfinder with his own hand, destroying it]'' :'''Rey''': NO!!! ''[furiously swings her lightsaber at Kylo Ren, missing him at every turn; Ren ignites his own lightsaber and blocks Rey's fatal blow, engaging her into one final duel]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kylo Ren is spent after fighting Rey, who just left]'' :'''Han''': Hey, kid. ''[Ben turns to Han Solo as a memory]'' I miss you, son. :'''Ben''': Your son is dead. :'''Han''': No. Kylo Ren is dead. My son is alive. :'''Ben''': You're just a memory. :'''Han''': ''Your'' memory. Come home. :'''Ben''': It's too late. She's gone. :'''Han''': Your mother's gone. But what she stood for, what she fought for... that's not gone. Ben... :'''Ben''': I know what I have to do, but I don't know if I have the strength to do it. :'''Han''': You do. :'''Ben''': Dad... :'''Han''': I know. :''[Ben throws his lightsaber into the sea, then turns back around, only to see that Han has vanished.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Poe Dameron grieves for the loss of General Leia Organa]'' :'''Poe''': I gotta tell you, I don't really know... how to do this. What you did. I'm not ready. :'''Lando Calrissian''': Neither were we. Luke, Han, Leia and me. Who's ever ready? :'''Poe''': How did you do it? Defeat an Empire with almost... nothing? :'''Lando''': We had each other. That's how we won. <hr width="50%"/> :''[On Ahch-To, Rey throws away her lightsaber into the flaming wreckage of Kylo's TIE whisper, but a hand reaches out and grabs it. It turns out to be Luke Skywalker as a Force spirit, who steps casually forward]'' :'''Luke Skywalker''': A Jedi's weapon deserves more respect. :'''Rey''': ''[surprised]'' Master Skywalker! :'''Luke''': What are you doing? :'''Rey''': I saw myself on the dark throne. I won't let it happen. I'm never leaving this place. I'm doing what you did. :'''Luke''': I was wrong. It was fear that kept me here. What are you most afraid of? :'''Rey''': ''[after a long pause]'' Myself. :'''Luke''': Because you're a Palpatine? Leia knew it, too. :'''Rey''': She didn't tell me. ''[Luke sits beside her]'' And she still trained me. :'''Luke''': Because she saw your spirit. Your heart. Rey, some things are stronger than blood. Confronting fear is the destiny of a Jedi. Your destiny. If you don't face Palpatine, it will mean the end of the Jedi, and the war will be lost. There's something my sister would want you to have. :'''Rey''': Leia's saber. :'''Luke''': It was the last night of her training. Leia told me that she had sensed the death of her son at the end of her Jedi path. She surrendered her saber to me and said that one day, it would be picked up again by someone who would finish her journey. A thousand generations live in you now. But this is your fight. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Palpatine''': The time has come! With your hatred, you will take my life, and you will ascend! :'''Rey''': ''[through gritted teeth]'' All you want is for me to hate, but I won't. Not even you. :'''Palpatine''': ''[annoyed]'' Weak... like your parents! :'''Rey''': My parents were strong. They saved me from you. :'''Palpatine''': Your master, Luke Skywalker, was saved by his father. The only family you have here... is me. ''[shows Rey the Resistance fighting with the Sith Eternal forces]'' They don't have long. No one is coming to help them. And you are the one who led them here. Strike me down, take the throne, reign over the new Empire, and the fleet will be yours! Only you have the power to save them. Refuse, and your new family... dies. ''[an emotional Rey nods reluctantly]'' Good. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rey''': ''[harnesses the powers of the Force and the voices of the Jedi from the past]'' Be with me... be with me. Be with me. :'''Obi-Wan Kenobi''': These are your final steps, Rey. Rise, and take them. :'''Anakin Skywalker''': Rey. :'''Ahsoka Tano''': Rey. :'''Kanan Jarrus''': Rey. :'''Anakin''': Bring back the balance, Rey, as I did. :'''Luminara Unduli''': In the night, find the light, Rey. :'''Mace Windu''': You're not alone, Rey. :'''Yoda''': Alone, never have you been. :'''Qui-Gon Jinn''': Every Jedi who ever lived, lives in you. :'''Anakin''': The Force surrounds you, Rey. :'''Aayla Secura''': Let it guide you. :'''Ahsoka''': As it guided us. :'''Windu''': Feel the Force flowing through you, Rey. :'''Anakin''': Let it lift you. :'''Adi Gallia''': Rise, Rey. :'''Qui-Gon''': We stand behind you, Rey. :'''Obi-Wan''': Rey. :'''Yoda''': Rise in the Force. :'''Kanan''': In the heart of the Jedi, lies her strength. :'''Obi-Wan''': Rise. :'''Qui-Gon''': Rise. :'''Luke''': Rey, the Force will be with you. Always. :''[Encouraged by their voices, Rey finally rises, stands before Palpatine and ignites Leia's lightsaber]'' :'''Palpatine''': ''[finally fed up with her defiance]'' Let your death be the final word in the story of rebellion! ''[raises his hand, and unleashes a streak of Force lightning at Rey, who blocks it by using Leia's lightsaber; the scene cuts to Poe Dameron, who notices his controls coming back online]'' :'''Poe''': I'm back on! This is our last chance. We have to hit those cannons now! ''[the scene cuts again to the battle between Rey and Palpatine on Exegol]'' :'''Palpatine''': ''[angrily]'' You are nothing! A scavenger girl is no match for the power in me! [[Avengers: Endgame|I am ''ALL'' THE SITH!]] ''[intensifies attack]'' :'''Rey''': ''[straining]'' [[Avengers: Endgame|And I...]] ''[Anakin's lightsaber flies right into her other hand]'' [[Avengers: Endgame|...I'm all the Jedi!!]] ''[uses both lightsabers to deflect the Force lightning back on Palpatine. Unable to take the strain of the immense energy reflected back at him, a horrified Palpatine screams in agony as he is vaporized, which decimates the Sith Eternal, finally killing him]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Rey visits the old Lars homestead on Tatooine]'' :'''Tatooine Elder''': There's been no one for so long. Who are you? :'''Rey''': I'm Rey. :'''Tatooine Elder''': Rey who? :'''Rey''': ''[looks to the horizon, where Luke Skywalker and Leia Organa's watching her; to the Tatooine Elder]'' Rey Skywalker. == Cast == * [[Carrie Fisher]] as General Leia Organa ({{small|archive footage}}) * [[Mark Hamill]] as Luke Skywalker * [[w:Adam Driver|Adam Driver]] as Kylo Ren/Ben Solo * [[w:Daisy Ridley|Daisy Ridley]] as Rey * [[w:John Boyega|John Boyega]] as Finn * [[w:Oscar Isaac|Oscar Isaac]] as Poe Dameron * [[Anthony Daniels]] as C-3PO * [[w:Naomi Ackie|Naomi Ackie]] as Jannah * [[w:Domhnall Gleeson|Domhnall Gleeson]] as General Hux * [[w:Richard E. Grant|Richard E. Grant]] as Allegiant General Pryde * [[w:Lupita Nyong'o|Lupita Nyong'o]] as Maz Kanata * [[w:Keri Russell|Keri Russell]] as Zorii Bliss * [[w:Joonas Suotamo|Joonas Suotamo]] as Chewbacca * [[w:Kelly Marie Tran|Kelly Marie Tran]] as Rose Tico * [[w:Ian McDiarmid|Ian McDiarmid]] as Emperor Palpatine/Darth Sidious * [[w:Billy Dee Williams|Billy Dee Williams]] as Lando Calrissian ---- {{Star Wars}} == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{Commons category}} * [http://www.starwars.com/films/star-wars-episode-ix-the-rise-of-skywalker ''Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker'' at Starwars.com] * {{IMDb title|2527338|Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker}} * {{rotten-tomatoes|star_wars_the_rise_of_skywalker|Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker}} [[Category:2019 films]] [[Category:Star Wars films]] [[Category:Action films]] [[Category:Science fiction films]] [[Category:American films]] [[Category:Sequel films]] k99oxtsykgnuk43q8rc2h56pod5jy23 3152925 3152924 2022-08-09T14:26:48Z Christian M. (2016) 2888911 /* Dialogue */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} [[File:Star Wars The Rise of Skywalker.png|thumb|A thousand [[generations]] [[live]] in you [[now]]. But this is your [[fight]].]] '''''[[w:Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker|Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker]]''''' (also known as '''''Star Wars: Episode IX – The Rise of Skywalker''''') is a 2019 American epic space opera film directed by J. J. Abrams, and written by J.J. Abrams and Chris Terrio. It is the third and last film in the Star Wars sequel trilogy, following '''''[[Star Wars: The Last Jedi]]''''' (2017). == Opening crawl == * The dead speak! The galaxy has heard a mysterious broadcast, a threat of REVENGE in the sinister voice of the late EMPEROR PALPATINE. <br /> GENERAL LEIA ORGANA dispatches secret agents to gather intelligence, while REY, the last hope of the Jedi, trains for battle against the diabolical FIRST ORDER. <br /> Meanwhile, Supreme Leader KYLO REN rages in search of the phantom Emperor, determined to destroy any threat to his power.... == Dialogue == :'''Palpatine''': At last. Snoke trained you well. :'''Kylo Ren''': I killed Snoke. I'll kill you. :'''Palpatine''': My boy... I ''made'' Snoke. I have been every voice... ''[as Snoke]'' ...you have ever heard... ''[as Darth Vader]'' ...inside your head. ''[breathes]'' The First Order was just the beginning... I will give you so much more. :'''Ren''': You'll die first. :'''Palpatine''': I have died before. The dark side of the Force is a pathway to many abilities some consider to be... ''[lightning flashes, revealing Palpatine's decaying face]'' …unnatural. :'''Ren''': ''[raises his lightsaber at Palpatine]'' What could you give me? :'''Palpatine''': Everything. A ''new'' Empire. ''[raises his decaying hands, with electricity surging between his fingers. Suddenly, multiple ''Xyston''-class Star Destroyers rise from the ground]'' The might of the Final Order will soon be ready. It will be yours if you do as I ask: Kill the girl, end the Jedi, and become what your grandfather, Vader, could not. You will rule all the galaxy as the ''new'' Emperor. But beware: She is not who you think she is. :'''Ren''': ''[a bit confused yet intrigued]'' Who is she? ''[Palpatine smiles sinisterly]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[On the jungle world of Ajan Kloss, Rey is practicing using the Force with Leia training her]'' :'''Rey''': Be with me. Be with me. Be with me. ''[opens her eyes]'' They're not with me. :'''General Leia Organa''': Rey, be patient. :'''Rey''': I'm starting to think it's impossible to hear the voices of the Jedi who came before. :'''Leia''': Nothing is impossible. :'''Rey''': "Nothing is impossible." I'm going to run the training course. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rey''': Why did the Emperor come for me? Why did he want to kill a child? Tell me. :'''Ren''': Because he saw what you would become. You don't just have power. You have ''his'' power. You're his granddaughter. You... are a Palpatine. My mother was the daughter of Vader. Your father was the son of the Emperor. What Palpatine doesn't know is that we're a dyad in the Force, Rey. Two that are one. We'll kill him. Together. And take the throne. You know what you need to do. You know. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Poe''': ''[to Zorii]'' How long's it been like this? :'''Zorii''': First Order took most of the kids a long time ago. Can't stand the cries anymore. I've saved up enough to get out. I'm going to the Colonies. :'''Poe''': How? All those hyperlanes are blocked. That's the First Order Captain's medallion. I've never seen a real one. :'''Zorii''': Free passage through any blockade. Landing privileges, any vessel. ''[removes part of the helmet, revealing her eyes]'' Wanna come with me? :'''Poe''': ''[sighs]'' I can't walk out on this war. Not till it's over. Maybe it is. We sent out a call for help at the [[Star Wars: The Last Jedi|Battle of Crait]]. Nobody came. Everyone's so afraid. They've given up. :'''Zorii''': I don't believe you believe that. Hey. They win by making you think you're alone, remember. There's more of us. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Having ensured Finn and Poe got away with Chewie, General Hux shows up before Allegiant General Pryde walking on a cane and his leg wound]'' :'''General Hux''': It was a coordinated incursion, Allegiant General. They overpowered the guards and forced me to take them to their ship. :'''Allegiant General Pryde''': I see. ''[to female aide]'' Get me the Supreme Leader. :'''Aide''': Yes, sir. :'''Pryde''': ''[takes a Stormtrooper's blaster, kills Hux, and gives the Stormtrooper his weapon back; to aide]'' Tell him we found our spy. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ren''': Look at yourself. You wanted to prove to my mother that you were a Jedi, but you've proven something else. You can't go back to her now. Like I can't. :'''Rey''': ''[referring to the Sith wayfinder]'' Give it to me. :'''Ren''': The Dark Side is in our nature. Surrender to it. :'''Rey''': ''[sees the Sith wayfinder in Kylo Ren's hand]'' Give it... to me... ''now''! :'''Ren''': The only way you're getting to Exegol... is with me. ''[crushes the Wayfinder with his own hand, destroying it]'' :'''Rey''': NO!!! ''[furiously swings her lightsaber at Kylo Ren, missing him at every turn; Ren ignites his own lightsaber and blocks Rey's fatal blow, engaging her into one final duel]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kylo Ren is spent after fighting Rey, who just left]'' :'''Han''': Hey, kid. ''[Ben turns to Han Solo as a memory]'' I miss you, son. :'''Ben''': Your son is dead. :'''Han''': No. Kylo Ren is dead. My son is alive. :'''Ben''': You're just a memory. :'''Han''': ''Your'' memory. Come home. :'''Ben''': It's too late. She's gone. :'''Han''': Your mother's gone. But what she stood for, what she fought for... that's not gone. Ben... :'''Ben''': I know what I have to do, but I don't know if I have the strength to do it. :'''Han''': You do. :'''Ben''': Dad... :'''Han''': I know. :''[Ben throws his lightsaber into the sea, then turns back around, only to see that Han has vanished.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Poe Dameron grieves for the loss of General Leia Organa]'' :'''Poe''': I gotta tell you, I don't really know... how to do this. What you did. I'm not ready. :'''Lando Calrissian''': Neither were we. Luke, Han, Leia and me. Who's ever ready? :'''Poe''': How did you do it? Defeat an Empire with almost... nothing? :'''Lando''': We had each other. That's how we won. <hr width="50%"/> :''[On Ahch-To, Rey throws away her lightsaber into the flaming wreckage of Kylo's TIE whisper, but a hand reaches out and grabs it. It turns out to be Luke Skywalker as a Force spirit, who steps casually forward]'' :'''Luke Skywalker''': A Jedi's weapon deserves more respect. :'''Rey''': ''[surprised]'' Master Skywalker! :'''Luke''': What are you doing? :'''Rey''': I saw myself on the dark throne. I won't let it happen. I'm never leaving this place. I'm doing what you did. :'''Luke''': I was wrong. It was fear that kept me here. What are you most afraid of? :'''Rey''': ''[after a long pause]'' Myself. :'''Luke''': Because you're a Palpatine? Leia knew it, too. :'''Rey''': She didn't tell me. ''[Luke sits beside her]'' And she still trained me. :'''Luke''': Because she saw your spirit. Your heart. Rey, some things are stronger than blood. Confronting fear is the destiny of a Jedi. Your destiny. If you don't face Palpatine, it will mean the end of the Jedi, and the war will be lost. There's something my sister would want you to have. :'''Rey''': Leia's saber. :'''Luke''': It was the last night of her training. Leia told me that she had sensed the death of her son at the end of her Jedi path. She surrendered her saber to me and said that one day, it would be picked up again by someone who would finish her journey. A thousand generations live in you now. But this is your fight. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Palpatine''': The time has come! With your hatred, you will take my life, and you will ascend! :'''Rey''': ''[through gritted teeth]'' All you want is for me to hate, but I won't. Not even you. :'''Palpatine''': ''[annoyed]'' Weak... like your parents! :'''Rey''': My parents were strong. They saved me from you. :'''Palpatine''': Your master, Luke Skywalker, was saved by his father. The only family you have here... is me. ''[shows Rey the Resistance fighting with the Sith Eternal forces]'' They don't have long. No one is coming to help them. And you are the one who led them here. Strike me down, take the throne, reign over the new Empire, and the fleet will be yours! Only you have the power to save them. Refuse, and your new family... dies. ''[an emotional Rey nods reluctantly]'' Good. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rey''': ''[harnesses the powers of the Force and the voices of the Jedi from the past]'' Be with me... be with me. Be with me. :'''Obi-Wan Kenobi''': These are your final steps, Rey. Rise, and take them. :'''Anakin Skywalker''': Rey. :'''Ahsoka Tano''': Rey. :'''Kanan Jarrus''': Rey. :'''Anakin''': Bring back the balance, Rey, as I did. :'''Luminara Unduli''': In the night, find the light, Rey. :'''Mace Windu''': You're not alone, Rey. :'''Yoda''': Alone, never have you been. :'''Qui-Gon Jinn''': Every Jedi who ever lived, lives in you. :'''Anakin''': The Force surrounds you, Rey. :'''Aayla Secura''': Let it guide you. :'''Ahsoka''': As it guided us. :'''Windu''': Feel the Force flowing through you, Rey. :'''Anakin''': Let it lift you. :'''Adi Gallia''': Rise, Rey. :'''Qui-Gon''': We stand behind you, Rey. :'''Obi-Wan''': Rey. :'''Yoda''': Rise in the Force. :'''Kanan''': In the heart of the Jedi, lies her strength. :'''Obi-Wan''': Rise. :'''Qui-Gon''': Rise. :'''Luke''': Rey, the Force will be with you. Always. :''[Encouraged by their voices, Rey finally rises, stands before Palpatine and ignites Leia's lightsaber]'' :'''Palpatine''': ''[finally fed up with her defiance]'' Let your death be the final word in the story of rebellion! ''[raises his hand, and unleashes a streak of Force lightning at Rey, who blocks it by using Leia's lightsaber; the scene cuts to Poe Dameron, who notices his controls coming back online]'' :'''Poe''': I'm back on! This is our last chance. We have to hit those cannons now! ''[the scene cuts again to the battle between Rey and Palpatine on Exegol]'' :'''Palpatine''': ''[angrily]'' You are nothing! A scavenger girl is no match for the power in me! I am ''ALL'' THE SITH! ''[intensifies attack]'' :'''Rey''': ''[straining]'' And I... ''[Anakin's lightsaber flies right into her other hand]'' ...I'm all the Jedi!! ''[uses both lightsabers to deflect the Force lightning back on Palpatine. Unable to take the strain of the immense energy reflected back at him, a horrified Palpatine screams in agony as he is vaporized, which decimates the Sith Eternal, finally killing him]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Rey visits the old Lars homestead on Tatooine]'' :'''Tatooine Elder''': There's been no one for so long. Who are you? :'''Rey''': I'm Rey. :'''Tatooine Elder''': Rey who? :'''Rey''': ''[looks to the horizon, where Luke Skywalker and Leia Organa's watching her; to the Tatooine Elder]'' Rey Skywalker. == Cast == * [[Carrie Fisher]] as General Leia Organa ({{small|archive footage}}) * [[Mark Hamill]] as Luke Skywalker * [[w:Adam Driver|Adam Driver]] as Kylo Ren/Ben Solo * [[w:Daisy Ridley|Daisy Ridley]] as Rey * [[w:John Boyega|John Boyega]] as Finn * [[w:Oscar Isaac|Oscar Isaac]] as Poe Dameron * [[Anthony Daniels]] as C-3PO * [[w:Naomi Ackie|Naomi Ackie]] as Jannah * [[w:Domhnall Gleeson|Domhnall Gleeson]] as General Hux * [[w:Richard E. Grant|Richard E. Grant]] as Allegiant General Pryde * [[w:Lupita Nyong'o|Lupita Nyong'o]] as Maz Kanata * [[w:Keri Russell|Keri Russell]] as Zorii Bliss * [[w:Joonas Suotamo|Joonas Suotamo]] as Chewbacca * [[w:Kelly Marie Tran|Kelly Marie Tran]] as Rose Tico * [[w:Ian McDiarmid|Ian McDiarmid]] as Emperor Palpatine/Darth Sidious * [[w:Billy Dee Williams|Billy Dee Williams]] as Lando Calrissian ---- {{Star Wars}} == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{Commons category}} * [http://www.starwars.com/films/star-wars-episode-ix-the-rise-of-skywalker ''Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker'' at Starwars.com] * {{IMDb title|2527338|Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker}} * {{rotten-tomatoes|star_wars_the_rise_of_skywalker|Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker}} [[Category:2019 films]] [[Category:Star Wars films]] [[Category:Action films]] [[Category:Science fiction films]] [[Category:American films]] [[Category:Sequel films]] g4tubily2qnt0k40tnc8wssrn4btftt 0 228445 3152995 3092938 2022-08-09T20:12:04Z 68.49.78.77 /* Dialogue */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Meet the Feebles|Meet the Feebles]]''''' (also known as '''''Frogs of War''''' in New Zealand as the film's English fake working title) is a 1989 New Zealand [[w:Musical film|musical]] [[w:Black comedy|black comedy film]] directed by [[w:Peter Jackson|Peter Jackson]]. It features [[Jim Henson]]-esque puppets in a perverse comic satire. :''Directed by [[w:Peter Jackson|Peter Jackson]]. Produced by [[w:Jim Booth|Jim Booth]]. Written by Peter Jackson, [[w:Danny Mulheron|Danny Mulheron]], [[w:Fran Walsh|Fran Walsh]] and [[w:Stephen Sinclair|Stephen Sinclair]].'' {{center|'''Hell hath no fury like a hippo with a machine gun.'''<small>([[#Taglines|taglines]])</small>}} ==Heidi== * Eat lead you man-stealing slut! ==Bletch== * Shit! I was just about to pop my cookies! * ''[last words before his death]'' Oh, shit! ==Others== * '''Guppy''': Is something the matter, Mr. Bletch? * '''Abi''': Please do not interrupt me, I am traveling on the astral plane. * '''Trevor''': I've heard better singing from a mongoose with throat cancer. ==Dialogue== :''[first lines of the film]'' :'''Announcer''': Ladies and gentlemen. Your attention please. Welcome to the newest, the greatest, the most spectacular in entertainment history. Put your hands together for the fabulous Feebles variety hour. {{line}} :'''Trevor''': All right, you fat slag! Move your ass! :'''Heidi''': How dare you speak to me like that! You horrible, spiteful, little rat! :'''Trevor''': I've heard better singing from a mongoose with throat cancer! {{line}} :'''Heidi''': That's it, I've had enough! I am going straight to Bletch! {{line}} :'''Robert''': I'm Wobert. :'''Trevor''': You may be Wobert to your friends, but you're fly shit to me! Piss off! {{line}} :'''Trevor''': Didn't you notice you were sitting on his face! :'''Madame Udder''': Well, it was a bit uncomfortable, but I thought it was my hemorrhoids. {{line}} :'''Bletch''': ''[heading to the golf course]'' Hey, Barry, how's your handicap? :'''Barry the Bulldog''': She's at home, boss. Baking a cake. :''[Bletch and his henchman laugh]'' {{line}} :'''Cedric''': This is a lovely golf course. I'm tempted to join the club meself. :'''Bletch''': No chance of that I'm afraid, Cedric. :'''Cedric''': You mean they discriminate against Scots? :'''Bletch''': No, we just don't want assholes in the clubhouse. {{line}} :'''Bletch''': Do you really think people are interested in nasal sex? :'''Trevor''': Sure, boss. It's the next big fad. :'''Bletch''': Have you thought of a name for it, yet? :'''Trevor''': I was thinking along the lines of... "Dennis does Daisy". :'''Bletch''': No. That's lousy. :'''Trevor''': How about... "Anal Antics"? :'''Bletch''': "Anal Antics"... yes. It will appeal to the intellectuals. Do you think it will do as well as our last release and win the Hooker Prize? {{line}} :'''Sebastian''': Heidi! You've been overeating again! :'''Heidi''': Uh, no, I haven't. :'''Sebastian''': There is black forest cherry cake in your cleavage! {{line}} :'''Robert''': I thought you were nice. :'''Lucille''': I am nice. :'''Robert''': No, you're not, you're woose! And you dwink! :'''Lucille''': No... :'''Robert''': You're nothing but a woose wush, Wucille, and I never want to see you again! {{line}} :'''Sebastian''': ''♪ Don't worry if you feel ashamed ♪'' :''♪ It's been around for years ♪'' :''♪ And thousands more that can't be named ♪'' :''♪ Are interested in rears ♪'' :''♪ Don't worry about hell ♪'' :''♪ No harm will come to your soul ♪'' :''♪ We're not a Pentecostal ♪'' :''♪ And everybody's got an asshole ♪'' :''♪ '''SODOMY!!!''' ♪'' :'''Bletch''': Trevor...? :'''Trevor''': Yeah, boss? :'''Bletch''': I want that fudge packer eliminated! {{line}} :''[last lines of the film]'' :'''Arthur''': Miss Heidi. I know you're a real star and all that. But I'm afraid I'm gonna have to dub you in. :'''Heidi''': Could you do one last thing, Arthur? :'''Arthur''': Anything, Heidi. :'''Heidi''': Play "The Garden of Love". ==Taglines== * Welcome To The Jungle. * Sex, drugs and soft toys. * Puppet spunk hits the fan! * Hell hath no fury like a hippo with a machine gun. * From the creator of "[[Bad Taste]]", comes a movie with no taste at all! ==Cast== * [[w:Mark Hadlow|Mark Hadlow]] as Robert the Hedgehog, Heidi the Hippo, Barry the Bulldog and Chorus Girl #3. * [[w:Peter Vere-Jones|Peter Vere-Jones]] as Bletch the Walrus, Arthur the Worm, The Baker, Newspaper Mouse and the Announcer. * Donna Akersten as Lucille the Poodle, Samantha the Cat, Dorothy the Sheep, Female Rabbit #1, Chorus Girl #2 and Fitness Tape Voice. * [[w:Stuart Devenie|Stuart Devenie]] as Sebastian the Fox, Dr. Quack the Duck, Madame Bovine, Sandy the Chicken, Cedric the Warthog, Seymour the Elechicken, Mr. Big the Whale, Female Rabbit #2 and Chorus Girl #1. * [[w:Brian Sergent|Brian Sergent]] as Wynyard the Frog, Trevor the Rat, F. W. Fly, Jim the Frog, Chuck the Frog, The Spider and the Vietnamese Gophers. * [[w:Mark Wright (actor)|Mark Wright]] as Sid the Elephant, The Masked Masochist, Louie the Dog, Guppy the Fish, Poodle, Bartender, Crab and Chorus Girl #4. * [[w:Fane Flaws|Fane Flaws]] as Musician Frog. * [[w:Danny Mulheron|Danny Mulheron]] as Heidi the Hippo. (body only) ==External links== {{wikipedia}} [[Category:1989 films]] [[Category:New Zealand films]] [[Category:Black comedy films]] [[Category:Musical comedy films]] [[Category:Spoof films]] [[Category:Satire films]] [[Category:Splatter films]] [[Category:Films featuring puppetry]] [[Category:Films about dogs]] [[Category:Films about elephants]] [[Category:Films about foxes]] [[Category:Films about frogs]] [[Category:Films about insects]] [[Category:Films about rabbits and hares]] [[Category:Films about rats]] [[Category:Films set in a theatre]] [[Category:Films set in New Zealand]] [[Category:Films directed by Peter Jackson]] [[Category:Screenplays by Peter Jackson]] 06pv8sbw6d3aqm8hhojktus7ehbb2yy 0 230533 3153029 3083898 2022-08-09T22:50:55Z Coningsby 10755 Scruton, Utley, Wyatt wikitext text/x-wiki The '''[[w:Conservative Party (UK)|Conservative Party]]''', officially the '''Conservative and Unionist Party''', and also known colloquially as the '''Tories''', '''Tory Party''', or simply the '''Conservatives''', is [[w:Two-party system|one of the two main political parties]], and current [[w:Government of the United Kingdom|governing party]], in the [[United Kingdom]], winning the [[w:2019 United Kingdom general election|2019 general election]] with an [[w:Majority government|overall majority]] in the [[w:House of Commons of the United Kingdom|House of Commons]]. The party is generally considered to sit on the [[w:Centre-right politics|centre-right]] of the political spectrum, and to be ideologically [[Conservatism|conservative]]. As a [[w:Big tent|big tent party]], it encompasses various ideological [[w:Conservative Party (UK)#Party factions|factions]] including [[w:One-nation conservatism|one-nation conservatives]], [[w:Thatcherism|Thatcherites]], [[w:Liberal conservatism|liberal conservatives]] and [[w:Conservative liberalism|conservative liberals]]. ==Quotes== *We are not afraid on this side of the House of social reform. Members of our party were fighting for the working classes when Members or the ancestors of Members opposite were shackled with ''[[laissez faire]]''. [[Benjamin Disraeli|Disraeli]] was advocating [[Trade union|combination]] among agricultural labourers years before the agricultural labourer had the vote, and when he first began to preach the necessity of sanitation in the crowded centres of this country, the [[w:Liberal Party (UK)|Liberal Party]] called it a "policy of sewage." We stand on three basic principles, as we have done for two generations past—the maintenance of the institutions of our country, the preservation and the development of our [[British Empire|Empire]], and the improvement of the conditions of our own people; and we adapt those principles to the changing needs of each generation. **[[Stanley Baldwin]], [http://hansard.millbanksystems.com/commons/1924/jan/21/debate-on-the-address speech] in the House of Commons (21 January 1924) *If there is any party in the State which, by its traditions and its history, is entitled to put in the forefront of its work and its programme the betterment of the conditions of life of the working classes, it is our party. (Hear, hear.) We were fighting the battle of the factory hand long before he had a vote; and when the [[w:Liberal Party (UK)|Liberals]] were tied up in the shackles of ''[[laissez faire]]'' we were speaking in favour of the combination of working men, long before the Liberals had thought of the subject. It is more than 50 years ago that [[Benjamin Disraeli|Disraeli]] was calling the attention of the country to housing and health questions, and they mocked him with the policy of sewage. The sanitation, or let me say the spiritual sanitation, of our people should have the first call on the historic Tory Party. It is just in the measure as we can convince the country, by the service we give the country, that we are as genuinely interested in these questions and as generally prepared to sacrifice ourselves in solving these questions as any member of the [[w:Labour Party (UK)|Labour Party]], that the country will trust us and that the country will return us again into power. **[[Stanley Baldwin]], speech to a meeting of the Unionist Party at the Hotel Cecil (11 February 1924), quoted in ''The Times'' (12 February 1924), p. 17 *I want to see the spirit of service to the whole nation the birthright of every member of the Unionist Party—Unionist in the sense that we stand for the union of those two nations of which Disraeli spoke two generations ago; union among our own people to make one nation of our people at home which, if secured, nothing else matters in the world. **[[Stanley Baldwin]], speech in the Albert Hall (4 December 1924), quoted in ''On England, and Other Addresses'' (1926), p. 73. *Toryism, as we know it, was illuminated, expounded, and made a gospel for a large portion of this country by the genius of [[Benjamin Disraeli]]. Most of us who have worked for our great party have founded our beliefs on, and derived our inspiration from that statesman. **[[Stanley Baldwin]], speech to the centenary dinner of the City of London Conservative and Unionist Association (2 July 1936), quoted in ''Service of Our Lives'' (1937), pp. 37-38 *Tories and others set about the task of dealing with the social consequences of the [[Industrial Revolution]] by calling upon the power of Government to redress injustice... [The State] assumed the functions of protecting the common interest and safeguarding the interests of the weaker members of society. **[[Rab Butler]], ''About the Industrial Charter'' (Conservative Political Centre, 1947), pp. 4-5 *The term "[[w:Planned economy|planning]]" is a new word for coherent and positive policy. The conception of strong Government policy in economic matters is, I believe, the very centre of the Conservative tradition. We have never been a party of ''laissez-faire''. **[[Rab Butler]], ''About the Industrial Charter'' (Conservative Political Centre, 1947), p. 6 *Conservatives were planning before the word entered the vocabulary of political jargon. **[[Rab Butler]], ''About the Industrial Charter'' (Conservative Political Centre, 1947), pp. 6-7 *Truly Conservative policies [are] freeing markets, freeing the economy, giving the economy buoyancy, moving to liberty and the desirable goal of freeing payments and trade. **[[Rab Butler]], speech at the Conservative Party conference of 1954, quoted in Ralph Harris, ''Politics Without Prejudice. A Political Appreciation of The Rt. Hon. Richard Austen Butler C.H., M.P.'' (1956), p. 159 *Conservatives have always been ready to use the power of the State. **[[Rab Butler]], ''Our Way Ahead'' (Conservative Political Centre, 1956), p. 10 *I had derived from [[Henry St John, 1st Viscount Bolingbroke|Bolingbroke]] an assurance that the majesty of the State might be used in the interests of the many, from [[Edmund Burke|Burke]] a belief in seeking patterns of improvement by balancing diverse interests, and from [[Benjamin Disraeli|Disraeli]] an insistence that the two nations must become one. If my brand of [[Conservatism]] was unorthodox, I was committing heresy in remarkably good company. **[[Rab Butler]], ''The Art of the Possible'' (1971), p. 134 *The fact is, that in social questions the Tories have almost always been more progressive than the Liberals, and the Conservative leaders in their latest legislation have only gone back to the old Tory traditions. Almost all the legislation dealing with Labour questions has been initiated by Tory statesmen, and most of it has been passed by Tory Governments. The Factory and Workshops Acts, the Mines Regulation Act, Merchant Shipping legislation, the Acts relating to sanitation, artisans' dwellings, land purchase, allotments, small holdings and free education are all Conservative, and it is therefore historically inaccurate to represent the Tory Party as opposed to socialistic legislation. **[[Joseph Chamberlain]], 'The Labour Question', ''The Nineteenth Century'', No. CLXXXIX (November 1892), pp. 709-710 *The Tory party is only in its proper position when it represents popular principles. Then it is truly irresistible. Then it can uphold the throne and the altar, the majesty of the empire, the liberty of the nation, and the rights of the multitude. There is nothing mean, petty, or exclusive, about the real character of Toryism. It necessarily depends upon enlarged sympathies and noble aspirations, because it is essentially national. **[[Benjamin Disraeli]], speech to a Conservative dinner (26 June 1863), quoted in William Flavelle Monypenny and George Earle Buckle, ''The Life of Benjamin Disraeli, Earl of Beaconsfield. Volume II. 1860–1881'' (1929), p. 114 *For what is the Tory party unless it represents national feeling? If it does not represent national feeling, Toryism is nothing. It does not depend upon hereditary coteries of exclusive nobles. It does not attempt power by attracting to itself the spurious force which may accidentally arise from advocating [[w:Cosmopolitanism|cosmopolitan]] principles or talking cosmopolitan jargon. The Tory party is nothing unless it represent and uphold the institutions of the country. **[[Benjamin Disraeli]], speech in Mansion House, London (7 August 1867), quoted in William Flavelle Monypenny and George Earle Buckle, ''The Life of Benjamin Disraeli, Earl of Beaconsfield. Volume II. 1860–1881'' (1929), p. 287 *Gentlemen, the Tory party, unless it is a national party, is nothing. **[[Benjamin Disraeli]], speech to the banquet of the National Union of Conservative and Constitutional Associations in Crystal Palace, London (24 June 1872), quoted in ''The Times'' (25 June 1872), p. 7 *[T]here was one principle underlying their approach to all these problems—a principle upon which they stood in fundamental opposition to [[Socialism]]. The Conservative objective was a nation-wide '''property-owning democracy'''. Both parties believed in a form of [[capitalism]], but whereas their opponents believed in State capitalism they believed in the widest measure of individual capitalism. Man should be master of his environment, and not its slave. That was what freedom meant. ... [W]e of the Conservative Party must maintain that the ownership of property is not a crime or a sin, but a reward, a right, and a responsibility that must be shared as equitably as possible among all our citizens. **[[Anthony Eden]], speech to the Conservative Party Conference in Blackpool (3 October 1946), quoted in ''The Times'' (4 October 1946), p. 2 *At core [[Conservatism]] stands for the individual, his right to liberty, to justice, to respect for his own distinctive personality. It regards the family as the basic social unit—(cheers)—and the sanctity of family life as vital to the health of the State. **[[Anthony Eden]], speech to the Conservative Party Conference in Brighton (2 October 1947), quoted in ''The Times'' (3 October 1947), p. 2 *We are not a Party of unbridled, brutal capitalism, and never have been. Although we believe in personal responsibility and personal initiative in business, we are not the political children of the "[[w:laissez-faire|laissez-faire]]" school. We opposed them decade after decade. **[[Anthony Eden]], speech to the Conservative Party Conference in Brighton (2 October 1947), quoted in ''The Times'' (3 October 1947), p. 2. Also quoted in ''The New Conservatism'' (Conservative Political Centre, 1955), pp. 11-12 * The Tories are absolutely mendacious in their empty and meaningless promises to "do everything necessary". [...] The [[Boris Johnson]] [[w:Premiership of Boris Johnson|government]]'s initial [[w:National responses to the COVID-19 pandemic|response to COVID-19]] was the now discredited policy of "[[herd immunity]]" — the strategy of letting [[COVID-19 pandemic in the United Kingdom|the virus]] rip through the [[w:Demography of the United Kingdom|population]], infecting up to 40 million people, most of whom would recover and then supposedly be [[w:Immunity (medical)|immune]] to the virus. The only problem was that this would have resulted in hundreds of thousands of [[COVID-19 pandemic deaths|deaths]] — a prospect the Tories had to abandon in the face of expert [[w:COVID-19 pandemic in the United Kingdom#Criticism of the UK Government's response|denunciation and widespread public outrage]]. [...] The experts in a [[w:Health in the United Kingdom|health]] emergency are, of course, the health workers. But they are [[w:Censorship in the United Kingdom|silenced]] by the Tories and the [[NHS]] bosses — threatened with dismissal if caught telling the truth to the [[public]] they serve — as if we were living in [[Stalinist]] [[w:COVID-19 pandemic in mainland China#Censorship and police responses|China]]. ** [[Neil Faulkner (archaeologist)|Neil Faulkner]], ''[https://www.timetomutiny.org/post/mass-deaths-mass-poverty-mass-repression Mass Deaths, Mass Poverty, Mass Repression]'', co-written with Phil Hearse, 20 March 2020, ''Mutiny'' * The Tories are terrified by any kind of {{w|mass mobilisation}} from below — because it would marginalise [[W:Social class in the United Kingdom#Elite|elites]] and [[Empowerment|empower]] ordinary people. ** [[Neil Faulkner (archaeologist)|Neil Faulkner]], ''[https://www.timetomutiny.org/post/mass-deaths-mass-poverty-mass-repression Mass Deaths, Mass Poverty, Mass Repression]'', co-written with Phil Hearse, 20 March 2020, ''Mutiny'' * The Tories and {{w|New Labour}} have created a casualised, insecure, [[w:Wage growth|low-wage economy]] in which the [[w:Capitalist state|bosses rule]] and workers [[Wage slavery|are forced]] to take what they can get. Millions will find themselves with no [[w:Income in the United Kingdom|income]]. When they try to claim [[w:Employee benefits|benefits]], they will find in place a ruthless regime of cuts, sanctions and suicidal despair — another achievement of [[w:United Kingdom government austerity programme|Tory austerity]]. ** [[Neil Faulkner (archaeologist)|Neil Faulkner]], ''[https://www.timetomutiny.org/post/mass-deaths-mass-poverty-mass-repression Mass Deaths, Mass Poverty, Mass Repression]'', co-written with Phil Hearse, 20 March 2020, ''Mutiny'' * In any case, there is no evidence that the Tories have any intention of doing any of the things they say they will do. The "do everything necessary" rhetoric is bullshit. It’s just a mantra to hide the absence of concrete action and any enforcement mechanism. This can only get much worse, as the [[Coronavirus recession|entire world economy nosedives]], millions more are laid off, and we enter a period of catastrophic {{w|social breakdown}} comparable with the [[Great Depression]]. The Tories know this is coming. They are preparing for it. ** [[Neil Faulkner (archaeologist)|Neil Faulkner]], ''[https://www.timetomutiny.org/post/mass-deaths-mass-poverty-mass-repression Mass Deaths, Mass Poverty, Mass Repression]'', co-written with Phil Hearse, 20 March 2020, ''Mutiny'' *As a matter of hard, dry fact, from which there can be no getting away, there is more Labour legislation standing to the credit account of the Conservative Party on the Statute Books than there is to that of their opponents. It is a grotesque assumption that one side exists for the purpose of passing such legislation while the other does so grudgingly and under the force of compulsion. **[[Keir Hardie]], ''Labour Politics'', Tracts for the Times, No. 2 (July 1903), quoted in Robert McKenzie and Allan Silver, ''Angels in Marble: Working Class Conservatives in Urban England'' (1968), p. 44, n. 60 *Now if Conservative has any meaning at all, it means anti-Radical. The Radicals are the only inheritors of the revolutionary views which the Conservative party was set up to counteract; and the two can no more act together, if both are honest, than a weasel can act with a rat. Hostility to Radicalism, incessant, implacable hostility, is the essential definition of Conservatism. The fear that the Radicals may triumph is the only final cause that the Conservative party can plead for their own existence. **[[Robert Gascoyne-Cecil, 3rd Marquess of Salisbury|Lord Salisbury]], 'English Politics and Parties', ''Bentley's Quarterly Review'', vol. I (March & July 1859), p. 12 *My belief is that the main strength of the Tory party, both in the richer and poorer classes, lies in its association with the honour of the country. **[[Robert Gascoyne-Cecil, 3rd Marquess of Salisbury|Lord Salisbury]] to Lord Randolph Churchill (1 October 1886), quoted in Winston Churchill, ''Lord Randolph Churchill, Vol. II'' (1906), p. 162 *If I were asked to define Conservative policy, I should say that it was the upholding of confidence. **[[Robert Gascoyne-Cecil, 3rd Marquess of Salisbury|Lord Salisbury]], speech in Nottingham (26 November 1889), quoted in Andrew Roberts, ''Salisbury: Victorian Titan'' (1999), p. 544 *I have heard it stated—and I confess with some surprise—as an article of Conservative opinion that paternal Government—that is to say, the use of the machinery of Government for the benefit of the people—is a thing in itself detestable and wicked. I am unable to subscribe to that doctrine, either politically or historically. I do not believe it to have been a doctrine of the Conservative party at any time. On the contrary, if you look back, even to the earlier years of the present century, you will find the opposite state of things; you will find the Conservative party struggling to confer benefits—perhaps ignorantly and unwisely, but still sincerely—through the instrumentality of the State, and resisted by a severe doctrinaire resistance from the professors of Liberal opinions. When I am told that it is an essential part of Conservative opinion to resist any such benevolent action on the part of the State, I should expect [[Jeremy Bentham|Bentham]] to turn in his grave; it was he who first taught the doctrine that the State should never interfere, and any one less like a Conservative than Bentham it would be impossible to conceive... The Conservative party has always leaned—perhaps unduly leaned—to the use of the State, as far as it can properly be used, for the improvement of the physical, moral, and intellectual condition of our people, and I hope that that mission the Conservative party will never renounce, or allow any extravagance on the other side to frighten them from their just assertion of what has always been its true and inherent principles. **[[Robert Gascoyne-Cecil, 3rd Marquess of Salisbury|Lord Salisbury]], speech to the United Club (15 July 1891), quoted in ''The Times'' (16 July 1891), p. 10 *From its beginnings the Conservative Party has been characterized by a relatively firm and enterprising fiscal policy, being responsible, not only for constant restrictions on [[free trade]], but also for the introduction of regular income tax, and for legislation which governed the sale and conditions of labour. In the light of history, its post-war conversion to [[w:Keynesian economics|Keynesian economic theory]] might be seen as a natural intellectual development, a further move away from the view...that economic affairs are self-regulating...towards the more plausible view that the posture of the state is all-important, and that, without the state's surveillance, destitution and unemployment could result at any time. And it is perhaps no accident that, when the Conservative Party under [[Margaret Thatcher]] abandoned this conception of the state's economic role, and took up the banner of [[w:Economic liberalism|liberal economics]], it was, in time, deserted by the electorate, so that the old alliance of interests which it had for a century represented suddenly fell apart. The odd thing, however, is that the policy which caused the Conservative Party's collapse – [[w:Free market|free market]] economics, under the aegis of global corporations – is the policy most fervently adopted by the [[w:New Labour|New Labour Party]] of [[Tony Blair]], and will no doubt be the downfall of that Party too. **[[Roger Scruton]], ''The Meaning of Conservatism: Third Edition'' (2001), p. 106 *We stand for the State and for the unity which, whether in the form of kingdom or empire or class solidarity, the State alone can bring. Above all stands the State and in that phrase lies the essence of Toryism. Our ancestors left it to us, and not the least potent method of preserving it is to link the conception of State Toryism with the practice of Social Reform. **[[F. E. Smith, 1st Earl of Birkenhead|F. E. Smith]], 'State Toryism and Social Reform', ''Unionist Policy and Other Essays'' (1913), p. 46 *The Conservative Party is the parent of trade unionism, just as it is the author of the [[w:Factory Acts|Factory Acts]]. At every stage in the history of the nineteenth century it is to Toryism that trade unionism has looked for help and support against the oppressions of the [[w:Manchester Liberalism|Manchester School of liberalism]], which cared nothing for the interests of the state, and regarded men as brute beasts whose labour could be bought and sold at the cheapest price, irrespective of all other considerations. **[[F. E. Smith, 1st Earl of Birkenhead|F. E. Smith]], 'Introduction', H. Hills and M. Woods, ''Industrial Unrest: A Practical Solution'' (1914) *On Thursday, I went to a party of the [[w:Primrose League|Primrose League]], founded 100 years ago in favour of the [[w:Constitution of the United Kingdom|constitution]], [[patriotism]], decency and all that. The members are mostly very old and they have not got much money; but they speak more accurately in the voice of British Conservatism than anyone else. I know rather more young Conservatives than most people do and I think that this sort of thing strikes a stronger chord in their hearts than [[Monetarism]] v. [[Keynesian economics|Keynesism]]. What a wonderful thing if someone would try to revive the Primrose League to its former eminence. think of the patronising remarks from [[w:Brian Redhead|Brian Redhead]] and other media connoisseurs of Tory antiques. And think how reassured Britain would be! **[[w:T. E. Utley|T. E. Utley]], 'Bewildered but still loyal', ''The Daily Telegraph'' (19 October 1981), quoted in Charles Moore and Simon Heffer (eds.), ''A Tory Seer: The Selected Journalism of T. E. Utley'' (1989), p. 71 *[T]he modern Tory Party is top-heavy with shallow minds and blatant self-seekers. They expect quick results and have little guts or loyalty. They short-change the leader when the going's rough. It was lucky we didn't have a cowardly crew like that when we stood alone against [[Adolf Hitler|Hitler]]. They're nothing like the old Tory MP squires who put first their duty to the country. **[[w:Woodrow Wyatt|Woodrow Wyatt]], journal entry (16 July 1997), quoted in Woodrow Wyatt, ''The Journals of Woodrow Wyatt, Volume Three'', ed. Sarah Curtis (2000), p. 759 ==See also== * [[Conservatism]] ==External links== {{Wikipedia}} {{Wikinews|Category:Conservative Party (UK)}} {{Commons category}} {{Authority control}} [[Category:Conservative Party (UK)| ]] j0j2xv34bj2uezcajhnq1o0ppr44crv 3153035 3153029 2022-08-09T23:01:36Z Coningsby 10755 /* Quotes */ wikitext text/x-wiki The '''[[w:Conservative Party (UK)|Conservative Party]]''', officially the '''Conservative and Unionist Party''', and also known colloquially as the '''Tories''', '''Tory Party''', or simply the '''Conservatives''', is [[w:Two-party system|one of the two main political parties]], and current [[w:Government of the United Kingdom|governing party]], in the [[United Kingdom]], winning the [[w:2019 United Kingdom general election|2019 general election]] with an [[w:Majority government|overall majority]] in the [[w:House of Commons of the United Kingdom|House of Commons]]. The party is generally considered to sit on the [[w:Centre-right politics|centre-right]] of the political spectrum, and to be ideologically [[Conservatism|conservative]]. As a [[w:Big tent|big tent party]], it encompasses various ideological [[w:Conservative Party (UK)#Party factions|factions]] including [[w:One-nation conservatism|one-nation conservatives]], [[w:Thatcherism|Thatcherites]], [[w:Liberal conservatism|liberal conservatives]] and [[w:Conservative liberalism|conservative liberals]]. ==Quotes== *We are not afraid on this side of the House of social reform. Members of our party were fighting for the working classes when Members or the ancestors of Members opposite were shackled with ''[[laissez faire]]''. [[Benjamin Disraeli|Disraeli]] was advocating [[Trade union|combination]] among agricultural labourers years before the agricultural labourer had the vote, and when he first began to preach the necessity of sanitation in the crowded centres of this country, the [[w:Liberal Party (UK)|Liberal Party]] called it a "policy of sewage." We stand on three basic principles, as we have done for two generations past—the maintenance of the institutions of our country, the preservation and the development of our [[British Empire|Empire]], and the improvement of the conditions of our own people; and we adapt those principles to the changing needs of each generation. **[[Stanley Baldwin]], [http://hansard.millbanksystems.com/commons/1924/jan/21/debate-on-the-address speech] in the House of Commons (21 January 1924) *If there is any party in the State which, by its traditions and its history, is entitled to put in the forefront of its work and its programme the betterment of the conditions of life of the working classes, it is our party. (Hear, hear.) We were fighting the battle of the factory hand long before he had a vote; and when the [[w:Liberal Party (UK)|Liberals]] were tied up in the shackles of ''[[laissez faire]]'' we were speaking in favour of the combination of working men, long before the Liberals had thought of the subject. It is more than 50 years ago that [[Benjamin Disraeli|Disraeli]] was calling the attention of the country to housing and health questions, and they mocked him with the policy of sewage. The sanitation, or let me say the spiritual sanitation, of our people should have the first call on the historic Tory Party. It is just in the measure as we can convince the country, by the service we give the country, that we are as genuinely interested in these questions and as generally prepared to sacrifice ourselves in solving these questions as any member of the [[w:Labour Party (UK)|Labour Party]], that the country will trust us and that the country will return us again into power. **[[Stanley Baldwin]], speech to a meeting of the Unionist Party at the Hotel Cecil (11 February 1924), quoted in ''The Times'' (12 February 1924), p. 17 *I want to see the spirit of service to the whole nation the birthright of every member of the Unionist Party—Unionist in the sense that we stand for the union of those two nations of which Disraeli spoke two generations ago; union among our own people to make one nation of our people at home which, if secured, nothing else matters in the world. **[[Stanley Baldwin]], speech in the Albert Hall (4 December 1924), quoted in ''On England, and Other Addresses'' (1926), p. 73. *Toryism, as we know it, was illuminated, expounded, and made a gospel for a large portion of this country by the genius of [[Benjamin Disraeli]]. Most of us who have worked for our great party have founded our beliefs on, and derived our inspiration from that statesman. **[[Stanley Baldwin]], speech to the centenary dinner of the City of London Conservative and Unionist Association (2 July 1936), quoted in ''Service of Our Lives'' (1937), pp. 37-38 *Tories and others set about the task of dealing with the social consequences of the [[Industrial Revolution]] by calling upon the power of Government to redress injustice... [The State] assumed the functions of protecting the common interest and safeguarding the interests of the weaker members of society. **[[Rab Butler]], ''About the Industrial Charter'' (Conservative Political Centre, 1947), pp. 4-5 *The term "[[w:Planned economy|planning]]" is a new word for coherent and positive policy. The conception of strong Government policy in economic matters is, I believe, the very centre of the Conservative tradition. We have never been a party of ''laissez-faire''. **[[Rab Butler]], ''About the Industrial Charter'' (Conservative Political Centre, 1947), p. 6 *Conservatives were planning before the word entered the vocabulary of political jargon. **[[Rab Butler]], ''About the Industrial Charter'' (Conservative Political Centre, 1947), pp. 6-7 *Truly Conservative policies [are] freeing markets, freeing the economy, giving the economy buoyancy, moving to liberty and the desirable goal of freeing payments and trade. **[[Rab Butler]], speech at the Conservative Party conference of 1954, quoted in Ralph Harris, ''Politics Without Prejudice. A Political Appreciation of The Rt. Hon. Richard Austen Butler C.H., M.P.'' (1956), p. 159 *Conservatives have always been ready to use the power of the State. **[[Rab Butler]], ''Our Way Ahead'' (Conservative Political Centre, 1956), p. 10 *I had derived from [[Henry St John, 1st Viscount Bolingbroke|Bolingbroke]] an assurance that the majesty of the State might be used in the interests of the many, from [[Edmund Burke|Burke]] a belief in seeking patterns of improvement by balancing diverse interests, and from [[Benjamin Disraeli|Disraeli]] an insistence that the two nations must become one. If my brand of [[Conservatism]] was unorthodox, I was committing heresy in remarkably good company. **[[Rab Butler]], ''The Art of the Possible'' (1971), p. 134 *The fact is, that in social questions the Tories have almost always been more progressive than the Liberals, and the Conservative leaders in their latest legislation have only gone back to the old Tory traditions. Almost all the legislation dealing with Labour questions has been initiated by Tory statesmen, and most of it has been passed by Tory Governments. The Factory and Workshops Acts, the Mines Regulation Act, Merchant Shipping legislation, the Acts relating to sanitation, artisans' dwellings, land purchase, allotments, small holdings and free education are all Conservative, and it is therefore historically inaccurate to represent the Tory Party as opposed to socialistic legislation. **[[Joseph Chamberlain]], 'The Labour Question', ''The Nineteenth Century'', No. CLXXXIX (November 1892), pp. 709-710 *The Tory party is only in its proper position when it represents popular principles. Then it is truly irresistible. Then it can uphold the throne and the altar, the majesty of the empire, the liberty of the nation, and the rights of the multitude. There is nothing mean, petty, or exclusive, about the real character of Toryism. It necessarily depends upon enlarged sympathies and noble aspirations, because it is essentially national. **[[Benjamin Disraeli]], speech to a Conservative dinner (26 June 1863), quoted in William Flavelle Monypenny and George Earle Buckle, ''The Life of Benjamin Disraeli, Earl of Beaconsfield. Volume II. 1860–1881'' (1929), p. 114 *For what is the Tory party unless it represents national feeling? If it does not represent national feeling, Toryism is nothing. It does not depend upon hereditary coteries of exclusive nobles. It does not attempt power by attracting to itself the spurious force which may accidentally arise from advocating [[w:Cosmopolitanism|cosmopolitan]] principles or talking cosmopolitan jargon. The Tory party is nothing unless it represent and uphold the institutions of the country. **[[Benjamin Disraeli]], speech in Mansion House, London (7 August 1867), quoted in William Flavelle Monypenny and George Earle Buckle, ''The Life of Benjamin Disraeli, Earl of Beaconsfield. Volume II. 1860–1881'' (1929), p. 287 *Gentlemen, the Tory party, unless it is a national party, is nothing. **[[Benjamin Disraeli]], speech to the banquet of the National Union of Conservative and Constitutional Associations in Crystal Palace, London (24 June 1872), quoted in ''The Times'' (25 June 1872), p. 7 *[T]here was one principle underlying their approach to all these problems—a principle upon which they stood in fundamental opposition to [[Socialism]]. The Conservative objective was a nation-wide '''property-owning democracy'''. Both parties believed in a form of [[capitalism]], but whereas their opponents believed in State capitalism they believed in the widest measure of individual capitalism. Man should be master of his environment, and not its slave. That was what freedom meant. ... [W]e of the Conservative Party must maintain that the ownership of property is not a crime or a sin, but a reward, a right, and a responsibility that must be shared as equitably as possible among all our citizens. **[[Anthony Eden]], speech to the Conservative Party Conference in Blackpool (3 October 1946), quoted in ''The Times'' (4 October 1946), p. 2 *At core [[Conservatism]] stands for the individual, his right to liberty, to justice, to respect for his own distinctive personality. It regards the family as the basic social unit—(cheers)—and the sanctity of family life as vital to the health of the State. **[[Anthony Eden]], speech to the Conservative Party Conference in Brighton (2 October 1947), quoted in ''The Times'' (3 October 1947), p. 2 *We are not a Party of unbridled, brutal capitalism, and never have been. Although we believe in personal responsibility and personal initiative in business, we are not the political children of the "[[w:laissez-faire|laissez-faire]]" school. We opposed them decade after decade. **[[Anthony Eden]], speech to the Conservative Party Conference in Brighton (2 October 1947), quoted in ''The Times'' (3 October 1947), p. 2. Also quoted in ''The New Conservatism'' (Conservative Political Centre, 1955), pp. 11-12 * The Tories are absolutely mendacious in their empty and meaningless promises to "do everything necessary". [...] The [[Boris Johnson]] [[w:Premiership of Boris Johnson|government]]'s initial [[w:National responses to the COVID-19 pandemic|response to COVID-19]] was the now discredited policy of "[[herd immunity]]" — the strategy of letting [[COVID-19 pandemic in the United Kingdom|the virus]] rip through the [[w:Demography of the United Kingdom|population]], infecting up to 40 million people, most of whom would recover and then supposedly be [[w:Immunity (medical)|immune]] to the virus. The only problem was that this would have resulted in hundreds of thousands of [[COVID-19 pandemic deaths|deaths]] — a prospect the Tories had to abandon in the face of expert [[w:COVID-19 pandemic in the United Kingdom#Criticism of the UK Government's response|denunciation and widespread public outrage]]. [...] The experts in a [[w:Health in the United Kingdom|health]] emergency are, of course, the health workers. But they are [[w:Censorship in the United Kingdom|silenced]] by the Tories and the [[NHS]] bosses — threatened with dismissal if caught telling the truth to the [[public]] they serve — as if we were living in [[Stalinist]] [[w:COVID-19 pandemic in mainland China#Censorship and police responses|China]]. ** [[Neil Faulkner (archaeologist)|Neil Faulkner]], ''[https://www.timetomutiny.org/post/mass-deaths-mass-poverty-mass-repression Mass Deaths, Mass Poverty, Mass Repression]'', co-written with Phil Hearse, 20 March 2020, ''Mutiny'' * The Tories are terrified by any kind of {{w|mass mobilisation}} from below — because it would marginalise [[W:Social class in the United Kingdom#Elite|elites]] and [[Empowerment|empower]] ordinary people. ** [[Neil Faulkner (archaeologist)|Neil Faulkner]], ''[https://www.timetomutiny.org/post/mass-deaths-mass-poverty-mass-repression Mass Deaths, Mass Poverty, Mass Repression]'', co-written with Phil Hearse, 20 March 2020, ''Mutiny'' * The Tories and {{w|New Labour}} have created a casualised, insecure, [[w:Wage growth|low-wage economy]] in which the [[w:Capitalist state|bosses rule]] and workers [[Wage slavery|are forced]] to take what they can get. Millions will find themselves with no [[w:Income in the United Kingdom|income]]. When they try to claim [[w:Employee benefits|benefits]], they will find in place a ruthless regime of cuts, sanctions and suicidal despair — another achievement of [[w:United Kingdom government austerity programme|Tory austerity]]. ** [[Neil Faulkner (archaeologist)|Neil Faulkner]], ''[https://www.timetomutiny.org/post/mass-deaths-mass-poverty-mass-repression Mass Deaths, Mass Poverty, Mass Repression]'', co-written with Phil Hearse, 20 March 2020, ''Mutiny'' * In any case, there is no evidence that the Tories have any intention of doing any of the things they say they will do. The "do everything necessary" rhetoric is bullshit. It’s just a mantra to hide the absence of concrete action and any enforcement mechanism. This can only get much worse, as the [[Coronavirus recession|entire world economy nosedives]], millions more are laid off, and we enter a period of catastrophic {{w|social breakdown}} comparable with the [[Great Depression]]. The Tories know this is coming. They are preparing for it. ** [[Neil Faulkner (archaeologist)|Neil Faulkner]], ''[https://www.timetomutiny.org/post/mass-deaths-mass-poverty-mass-repression Mass Deaths, Mass Poverty, Mass Repression]'', co-written with Phil Hearse, 20 March 2020, ''Mutiny'' *As a matter of hard, dry fact, from which there can be no getting away, there is more Labour legislation standing to the credit account of the Conservative Party on the Statute Books than there is to that of their opponents. It is a grotesque assumption that one side exists for the purpose of passing such legislation while the other does so grudgingly and under the force of compulsion. **[[Keir Hardie]], ''Labour Politics'', Tracts for the Times, No. 2 (July 1903), quoted in Robert McKenzie and Allan Silver, ''Angels in Marble: Working Class Conservatives in Urban England'' (1968), p. 44, n. 60 *Now if Conservative has any meaning at all, it means anti-Radical. The Radicals are the only inheritors of the revolutionary views which the Conservative party was set up to counteract; and the two can no more act together, if both are honest, than a weasel can act with a rat. Hostility to Radicalism, incessant, implacable hostility, is the essential definition of Conservatism. The fear that the Radicals may triumph is the only final cause that the Conservative party can plead for their own existence. **[[Robert Gascoyne-Cecil, 3rd Marquess of Salisbury|Lord Salisbury]], 'English Politics and Parties', ''Bentley's Quarterly Review'', vol. I (March & July 1859), p. 12 *My belief is that the main strength of the Tory party, both in the richer and poorer classes, lies in its association with the honour of the country. **[[Robert Gascoyne-Cecil, 3rd Marquess of Salisbury|Lord Salisbury]] to Lord Randolph Churchill (1 October 1886), quoted in Winston Churchill, ''Lord Randolph Churchill, Vol. II'' (1906), p. 162 *If I were asked to define Conservative policy, I should say that it was the upholding of confidence. **[[Robert Gascoyne-Cecil, 3rd Marquess of Salisbury|Lord Salisbury]], speech in Nottingham (26 November 1889), quoted in Andrew Roberts, ''Salisbury: Victorian Titan'' (1999), p. 544 *I have heard it stated—and I confess with some surprise—as an article of Conservative opinion that paternal Government—that is to say, the use of the machinery of Government for the benefit of the people—is a thing in itself detestable and wicked. I am unable to subscribe to that doctrine, either politically or historically. I do not believe it to have been a doctrine of the Conservative party at any time. On the contrary, if you look back, even to the earlier years of the present century, you will find the opposite state of things; you will find the Conservative party struggling to confer benefits—perhaps ignorantly and unwisely, but still sincerely—through the instrumentality of the State, and resisted by a severe doctrinaire resistance from the professors of Liberal opinions. When I am told that it is an essential part of Conservative opinion to resist any such benevolent action on the part of the State, I should expect [[Jeremy Bentham|Bentham]] to turn in his grave; it was he who first taught the doctrine that the State should never interfere, and any one less like a Conservative than Bentham it would be impossible to conceive... The Conservative party has always leaned—perhaps unduly leaned—to the use of the State, as far as it can properly be used, for the improvement of the physical, moral, and intellectual condition of our people, and I hope that that mission the Conservative party will never renounce, or allow any extravagance on the other side to frighten them from their just assertion of what has always been its true and inherent principles. **[[Robert Gascoyne-Cecil, 3rd Marquess of Salisbury|Lord Salisbury]], speech to the United Club (15 July 1891), quoted in ''The Times'' (16 July 1891), p. 10 *From its beginnings the Conservative Party has been characterized by a relatively firm and enterprising fiscal policy, being responsible, not only for constant restrictions on [[free trade]], but also for the introduction of regular income tax, and for legislation which governed the sale and conditions of labour. In the light of history, its post-war conversion to [[w:Keynesian economics|Keynesian economic theory]] might be seen as a natural intellectual development, a further move away from the view...that economic affairs are self-regulating...towards the more plausible view that the posture of the state is all-important, and that, without the state's surveillance, destitution and unemployment could result at any time. And it is perhaps no accident that, when the Conservative Party under [[Margaret Thatcher]] abandoned this conception of the state's economic role, and took up the banner of [[w:Economic liberalism|liberal economics]], it was, in time, deserted by the electorate, so that the old alliance of interests which it had for a century represented suddenly fell apart. The odd thing, however, is that the policy which caused the Conservative Party's collapse – [[w:Free market|free market]] economics, under the aegis of global corporations – is the policy most fervently adopted by the [[w:New Labour|New Labour Party]] of [[Tony Blair]], and will no doubt be the downfall of that Party too. **[[Roger Scruton]], ''The Meaning of Conservatism: Third Edition'' (2001), p. 106 *We stand for the State and for the unity which, whether in the form of kingdom or empire or class solidarity, the State alone can bring. Above all stands the State and in that phrase lies the essence of Toryism. Our ancestors left it to us, and not the least potent method of preserving it is to link the conception of State Toryism with the practice of Social Reform. **[[F. E. Smith, 1st Earl of Birkenhead|F. E. Smith]], 'State Toryism and Social Reform', ''Unionist Policy and Other Essays'' (1913), p. 46 *The Conservative Party is the parent of trade unionism, just as it is the author of the [[w:Factory Acts|Factory Acts]]. At every stage in the history of the nineteenth century it is to Toryism that trade unionism has looked for help and support against the oppressions of the [[w:Manchester Liberalism|Manchester School of liberalism]], which cared nothing for the interests of the state, and regarded men as brute beasts whose labour could be bought and sold at the cheapest price, irrespective of all other considerations. **[[F. E. Smith, 1st Earl of Birkenhead|F. E. Smith]], 'Introduction', H. Hills and M. Woods, ''Industrial Unrest: A Practical Solution'' (1914) *On Thursday, I went to a party of the [[w:Primrose League|Primrose League]], founded 100 years ago in favour of the [[w:Constitution of the United Kingdom|constitution]], [[patriotism]], decency and all that. The members are mostly very old and they have not got much money; but they speak more accurately in the voice of British Conservatism than anyone else. I know rather more young Conservatives than most people do and I think that this sort of thing strikes a stronger chord in their hearts than [[Monetarism]] v. [[Keynesian economics|Keynesism]]. What a wonderful thing if someone would try to revive the Primrose League to its former eminence. Think of the patronising remarks from [[w:Brian Redhead|Brian Redhead]] and other media connoisseurs of Tory antiques. And think how reassured Britain would be! **[[w:T. E. Utley|T. E. Utley]], 'Bewildered but still loyal', ''The Daily Telegraph'' (19 October 1981), quoted in Charles Moore and Simon Heffer (eds.), ''A Tory Seer: The Selected Journalism of T. E. Utley'' (1989), p. 71 *[T]he modern Tory Party is top-heavy with shallow minds and blatant self-seekers. They expect quick results and have little guts or loyalty. They short-change the leader when the going's rough. It was lucky we didn't have a cowardly crew like that when we stood alone against [[Adolf Hitler|Hitler]]. They're nothing like the old Tory MP squires who put first their duty to the country. **[[w:Woodrow Wyatt|Woodrow Wyatt]], journal entry (16 July 1997), quoted in Woodrow Wyatt, ''The Journals of Woodrow Wyatt, Volume Three'', ed. Sarah Curtis (2000), p. 759 ==See also== * [[Conservatism]] ==External links== {{Wikipedia}} {{Wikinews|Category:Conservative Party (UK)}} {{Commons category}} {{Authority control}} [[Category:Conservative Party (UK)| ]] kvmjh4b15ie62igdcv9ip5aj7zxortt 0 233868 3153033 3060569 2022-08-09T23:00:53Z Thethirdulrich 3066283 /* S */ wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:The Citadel|The Citadel, The Military College of South Carolina]]''', commonly known simply as '''The Citadel''', is a military college in [[w:Charleston, South Carolina|Charleston, South Carolina]]. Established in 1842, it is one of six [[w:United States senior military college|United States senior military college]]s. It has 18 academic departments divided into five schools offering 23 majors and 38 minors. The military program is made up of cadets pursuing bachelor's degrees who live on campus. The non-military programs offer 12 undergraduate degrees, 26 graduate degrees, as well as evening and online programs with seven online graduate degrees, three online undergraduate degrees, and three certificate programs. The [[w:South Carolina Corps of Cadets|South Carolina Corps of Cadets]] numbers 2,300 and is one of the largest uniformed bodies in the U.S. Approximately 1,350 non-cadet students are enrolled in [[w:The Citadel Graduate College|Citadel Graduate College]] pursuing undergraduate and graduate degrees. Women comprise approximately 9% of the Corps and 22% of the overall enrollment while minorities comprise 15% of the Corps and 23% of the total enrollment. Approximately half of The Citadel's cadet enrollment is from the state of South Carolina; cadets come from 45 states and 23 foreign countries. South Carolina residents receive a discount in tuition, as is common at state-sponsored schools. The Citadel receives 8% of its operating budget from the state. In 2019, the school's ROTC program commissioned 186 officers. [[File:The Citadel wordmark.png|thumb|When I was writing 'The Lords of Discipline,' I went to The Boo for help. 'What makes The Citadel different from all other schools? What makes it different, special and unique? Why do I think it is the best college in the world when I hated it when I was here, Boo? Help me with this.' The Boo held up his hand and said, 'It's the ring, Bubba. Always remember that. The ring, the ring, the ring.' I thought about it for a moment then wrote the words, 'I wear the ring.' 'How about this for a first line?' 'Perfect, Bubba, just perfect.' ~ [[Pat Conroy]]]] [[File:PT Barracks.JPG|thumb|The Citadel cherishes the belief that the more hardship endured by the young man, the higher the quality of the person who graduates from the system... Under the pressure of this system, the freshman, in theory, becomes hardened to the savage hardships of the world. Life is tough, the system says, and we are going to make life so tough for you this year that when your marriage dissolves, your child dies unexpectedly, or your platoon is decimated in a surprise attack, you can never say The Citadel didn't prepare you for the worst in life. ~ [[Pat Conroy]]]] [[File:The Citadel from air, Charleston, S. C.-6636161257.jpg|thumb|Here is what The Boo loved more than The Citadel - nothing, nothing on this Earth. The sun rose on Lesesne Gate and it set on the marshes of the Ashley River and its main job was to keep the parade grounds green. He once told me that a cadet was nothing but a bum, like you, Conroy. But a Corps of Cadets was the most beautiful thing in the world. ~ [[Pat Conroy]]]] [[File:Inside PT Barracks.jpg|thumb|Inside PT Barracks]] [[File:68 Hagood.JPG|thumb|Johnson Hagood Stadium]] [[File:The Citadel, Military College of South Carolina-2421247400.jpg|thumb|Lesesne Gate]] [[File:Historic American Buildings Survey, Louis I. Schwartz, Photographer June, 1958 GREAT COURTYARD. - South Carolina State Arsenal, Marion Square, Charleston, Charleston County, SC HABS SC,10-CHAR,76-8.tif|thumb|View through a sallyport at the original South Carolina State Arsenal in Marion Square, 1958]] [[File:Steamship Star of the West, with reinforcements for Major Anderson, approaching Fort Sumter.jpg|thumb|Steamship ''Star of the West'', with reinforcements for Major Anderson, approaching Fort Sumter]] {{center|'''Honor, Duty, Respect'''&nbsp; <small>([[#Motto|motto]])</small>}} __NOTOC__ {{TOCalpha}} == A == == B == == C == * '''The Citadel cherishes the belief that the more hardship endured by the young man, the higher the quality of the person who graduates from the system.''' The Citadel devised a formula years ago to improve the quality of men who walked through her gates. The formula begins with the plebe system. One thing is certain. The plebe system is calculated to be, and generally succeeds in being, a nine month journey through hell. The freshman is beaten, harassed, ridiculed, and humiliated by the upperclassmen who concur and believe in the traditions of the school. '''Under the pressure of this system, the freshman, in theory, becomes hardened to the savage hardships of the world. Life is tough, the system says, and we are going to make life so tough for you this year that when your marriage dissolves, your child dies unexpectedly, or your platoon is decimated in a surprise attack, you can never say The Citadel didn't prepare you for the worst in life.''' ** [[Pat Conroy]], ''The Boo'' (1970), p. 6-7 * Here is what The Boo loved more than The Citadel - nothing, nothing on this Earth. The sun rose on Lesesne Gate and it set on the marshes of the Ashley River and its main job was to keep the parade grounds green. He once told me that a cadet was nothing but a bum, like you, Conroy. But a Corps of Cadets was the most beautiful thing in the world. ** [[Pat Conroy]], speaking at the 3 May 2006 funeral of former Assistant Commandant of Cadets at The Citadel and Citadel graduate Thomas Nugent Courvoisie, nicknamed "The Boo" by cadets. {{source}} * When I was writing 'The Lords of Discipline,' I went to The Boo for help. 'What makes The Citadel different from all other schools? What makes it different, special and unique? Why do I think it is the best college in the world when I hated it when I was here, Boo? Help me with this.' The Boo held up his hand and said, 'It's the ring, Bubba. Always remember that. The ring, the ring, the ring.' I thought about it for a moment then wrote the words, 'I wear the ring.' 'How about this for a first line?' 'Perfect, Bubba, just perfect.' ** [[Pat Conroy]], speaking at the 3 May 2006 funeral of former Assistant Commandant of Cadets at The Citadel and Citadel graduate Thomas Nugent Courvoisie, nicknamed "The Boo" by cadets. {{source}} == D == == E == == F == == G == == H == * A Cadet Does Not Lie, Cheat, Or Steal, Nor Tolerate Those Who Do. ** Honor Code of The Citadel == I == == J == == K == == L == == M == * Honor, Duty, Respect ** Motto of The Citadel == N == == O == == P == == Q == == R == == S ==The process was designed to create a pressure cooker environment in which young officers in training were pulled at from every direction, for every imaginable reason, to do things that were next to impossible. But the cadre were not there simply to make our lives miserable. Hot situations gave the upperclassmen excellent indicators of who was and was not suitable for command, both at the school and later in life, whether in a military capacity or otherwise. The idea was a simple: to be so overcome with stress and responsibilities, so completely surrounded with impossible demands on their time that they would have to choose in triage fashion the most important tasks to complete while keeping a cool head in the process. George Steffner, ''Through Their Eyes: What Really Happened in the World's Toughest Plebe System'' (2014), p. 41 == T == == U == == V == == W == == X == == Y == == Z == == External link == {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Citadel, The}} [[Category:Military academies of the United States]] ftcc1qy11jg213xjgttn90m7dwx96ua 3153040 3153033 2022-08-09T23:12:28Z Thethirdulrich 3066283 wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:The Citadel|The Citadel, The Military College of South Carolina]]''', commonly known simply as '''The Citadel''', is a military college in [[w:Charleston, South Carolina|Charleston, South Carolina]]. Established in 1842, it is one of six [[w:United States senior military college|United States senior military college]]s. It has 18 academic departments divided into five schools offering 23 majors and 38 minors. The military program is made up of cadets pursuing bachelor's degrees who live on campus. The non-military programs offer 12 undergraduate degrees, 26 graduate degrees, as well as evening and online programs with seven online graduate degrees, three online undergraduate degrees, and three certificate programs. The [[w:South Carolina Corps of Cadets|South Carolina Corps of Cadets]] numbers 2,300 and is one of the largest uniformed bodies in the U.S. Approximately 1,350 non-cadet students are enrolled in [[w:The Citadel Graduate College|Citadel Graduate College]] pursuing undergraduate and graduate degrees. Women comprise approximately 9% of the Corps and 22% of the overall enrollment while minorities comprise 15% of the Corps and 23% of the total enrollment. Approximately half of The Citadel's cadet enrollment is from the state of South Carolina; cadets come from 45 states and 23 foreign countries. South Carolina residents receive a discount in tuition, as is common at state-sponsored schools. The Citadel receives 8% of its operating budget from the state. In 2019, the school's ROTC program commissioned 186 officers. [[File:The Citadel wordmark.png|thumb|When I was writing 'The Lords of Discipline,' I went to The Boo for help. 'What makes The Citadel different from all other schools? What makes it different, special and unique? Why do I think it is the best college in the world when I hated it when I was here, Boo? Help me with this.' The Boo held up his hand and said, 'It's the ring, Bubba. Always remember that. The ring, the ring, the ring.' I thought about it for a moment then wrote the words, 'I wear the ring.' 'How about this for a first line?' 'Perfect, Bubba, just perfect.' ~ [[Pat Conroy]]]] [[File:PT Barracks.JPG|thumb|The Citadel cherishes the belief that the more hardship endured by the young man, the higher the quality of the person who graduates from the system... Under the pressure of this system, the freshman, in theory, becomes hardened to the savage hardships of the world. Life is tough, the system says, and we are going to make life so tough for you this year that when your marriage dissolves, your child dies unexpectedly, or your platoon is decimated in a surprise attack, you can never say The Citadel didn't prepare you for the worst in life. ~ [[Pat Conroy]]]] [[File:The Citadel from air, Charleston, S. C.-6636161257.jpg|thumb|Here is what The Boo loved more than The Citadel - nothing, nothing on this Earth. The sun rose on Lesesne Gate and it set on the marshes of the Ashley River and its main job was to keep the parade grounds green. He once told me that a cadet was nothing but a bum, like you, Conroy. But a Corps of Cadets was the most beautiful thing in the world. ~ [[Pat Conroy]]]] [[File:Inside PT Barracks.jpg|thumb|Inside PT Barracks]] [[File:68 Hagood.JPG|thumb|Johnson Hagood Stadium]] [[File:The Citadel, Military College of South Carolina-2421247400.jpg|thumb|Lesesne Gate]] [[File:Historic American Buildings Survey, Louis I. Schwartz, Photographer June, 1958 GREAT COURTYARD. - South Carolina State Arsenal, Marion Square, Charleston, Charleston County, SC HABS SC,10-CHAR,76-8.tif|thumb|View through a sallyport at the original South Carolina State Arsenal in Marion Square, 1958]] [[File:Steamship Star of the West, with reinforcements for Major Anderson, approaching Fort Sumter.jpg|thumb|Steamship ''Star of the West'', with reinforcements for Major Anderson, approaching Fort Sumter]] {{center|'''Honor, Duty, Respect'''&nbsp; <small>([[#Motto|motto]])</small>}} __NOTOC__ {{TOCalpha}} == A == == B == == C == * '''The Citadel cherishes the belief that the more hardship endured by the young man, the higher the quality of the person who graduates from the system.''' The Citadel devised a formula years ago to improve the quality of men who walked through her gates. The formula begins with the plebe system. One thing is certain. The plebe system is calculated to be, and generally succeeds in being, a nine month journey through hell. The freshman is beaten, harassed, ridiculed, and humiliated by the upperclassmen who concur and believe in the traditions of the school. '''Under the pressure of this system, the freshman, in theory, becomes hardened to the savage hardships of the world. Life is tough, the system says, and we are going to make life so tough for you this year that when your marriage dissolves, your child dies unexpectedly, or your platoon is decimated in a surprise attack, you can never say The Citadel didn't prepare you for the worst in life.''' ** [[Pat Conroy]], ''The Boo'' (1970), p. 6-7 * Here is what The Boo loved more than The Citadel - nothing, nothing on this Earth. The sun rose on Lesesne Gate and it set on the marshes of the Ashley River and its main job was to keep the parade grounds green. He once told me that a cadet was nothing but a bum, like you, Conroy. But a Corps of Cadets was the most beautiful thing in the world. ** [[Pat Conroy]], speaking at the 3 May 2006 funeral of former Assistant Commandant of Cadets at The Citadel and Citadel graduate Thomas Nugent Courvoisie, nicknamed "The Boo" by cadets. {{source}} * When I was writing 'The Lords of Discipline,' I went to The Boo for help. 'What makes The Citadel different from all other schools? What makes it different, special and unique? Why do I think it is the best college in the world when I hated it when I was here, Boo? Help me with this.' The Boo held up his hand and said, 'It's the ring, Bubba. Always remember that. The ring, the ring, the ring.' I thought about it for a moment then wrote the words, 'I wear the ring.' 'How about this for a first line?' 'Perfect, Bubba, just perfect.' ** [[Pat Conroy]], speaking at the 3 May 2006 funeral of former Assistant Commandant of Cadets at The Citadel and Citadel graduate Thomas Nugent Courvoisie, nicknamed "The Boo" by cadets. {{source}} == D == == E == == F == == G == == H == * A Cadet Does Not Lie, Cheat, Or Steal, Nor Tolerate Those Who Do. ** Honor Code of The Citadel == I == == J == == K == == L == == M == * Honor, Duty, Respect ** Motto of The Citadel == N == == O == == P == == Q == == R == == S == * The process was designed to create a pressure cooker environment in which young officers in training were pulled at from every direction, for every imaginable reason, to do things that were next to impossible. But the cadre were not there simply to make our lives miserable. Hot situations gave the upperclassmen excellent indicators of who was and was not suitable for command, both at the school and later in life, whether in a military capacity or otherwise. The idea was a simple: to be so overcome with stress and responsibilities, so completely surrounded with impossible demands on their time that they would have to choose in triage fashion the most important tasks to complete while keeping a cool head in the process. ** George Steffner, ''Through Their Eyes: What Really Happened in the World's Toughest Plebe System'' (2014), p. 41 == T == == U == == V == == W == == X == == Y == == Z == == External link == {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Citadel, The}} [[Category:Military academies of the United States]] 3xqj8p3vci487yivngn8wp3hdu9r7zz 3153041 3153040 2022-08-09T23:13:58Z Thethirdulrich 3066283 /* S */ wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:The Citadel|The Citadel, The Military College of South Carolina]]''', commonly known simply as '''The Citadel''', is a military college in [[w:Charleston, South Carolina|Charleston, South Carolina]]. Established in 1842, it is one of six [[w:United States senior military college|United States senior military college]]s. It has 18 academic departments divided into five schools offering 23 majors and 38 minors. The military program is made up of cadets pursuing bachelor's degrees who live on campus. The non-military programs offer 12 undergraduate degrees, 26 graduate degrees, as well as evening and online programs with seven online graduate degrees, three online undergraduate degrees, and three certificate programs. The [[w:South Carolina Corps of Cadets|South Carolina Corps of Cadets]] numbers 2,300 and is one of the largest uniformed bodies in the U.S. Approximately 1,350 non-cadet students are enrolled in [[w:The Citadel Graduate College|Citadel Graduate College]] pursuing undergraduate and graduate degrees. Women comprise approximately 9% of the Corps and 22% of the overall enrollment while minorities comprise 15% of the Corps and 23% of the total enrollment. Approximately half of The Citadel's cadet enrollment is from the state of South Carolina; cadets come from 45 states and 23 foreign countries. South Carolina residents receive a discount in tuition, as is common at state-sponsored schools. The Citadel receives 8% of its operating budget from the state. In 2019, the school's ROTC program commissioned 186 officers. [[File:The Citadel wordmark.png|thumb|When I was writing 'The Lords of Discipline,' I went to The Boo for help. 'What makes The Citadel different from all other schools? What makes it different, special and unique? Why do I think it is the best college in the world when I hated it when I was here, Boo? Help me with this.' The Boo held up his hand and said, 'It's the ring, Bubba. Always remember that. The ring, the ring, the ring.' I thought about it for a moment then wrote the words, 'I wear the ring.' 'How about this for a first line?' 'Perfect, Bubba, just perfect.' ~ [[Pat Conroy]]]] [[File:PT Barracks.JPG|thumb|The Citadel cherishes the belief that the more hardship endured by the young man, the higher the quality of the person who graduates from the system... Under the pressure of this system, the freshman, in theory, becomes hardened to the savage hardships of the world. Life is tough, the system says, and we are going to make life so tough for you this year that when your marriage dissolves, your child dies unexpectedly, or your platoon is decimated in a surprise attack, you can never say The Citadel didn't prepare you for the worst in life. ~ [[Pat Conroy]]]] [[File:The Citadel from air, Charleston, S. C.-6636161257.jpg|thumb|Here is what The Boo loved more than The Citadel - nothing, nothing on this Earth. The sun rose on Lesesne Gate and it set on the marshes of the Ashley River and its main job was to keep the parade grounds green. He once told me that a cadet was nothing but a bum, like you, Conroy. But a Corps of Cadets was the most beautiful thing in the world. ~ [[Pat Conroy]]]] [[File:Inside PT Barracks.jpg|thumb|Inside PT Barracks]] [[File:68 Hagood.JPG|thumb|Johnson Hagood Stadium]] [[File:The Citadel, Military College of South Carolina-2421247400.jpg|thumb|Lesesne Gate]] [[File:Historic American Buildings Survey, Louis I. Schwartz, Photographer June, 1958 GREAT COURTYARD. - South Carolina State Arsenal, Marion Square, Charleston, Charleston County, SC HABS SC,10-CHAR,76-8.tif|thumb|View through a sallyport at the original South Carolina State Arsenal in Marion Square, 1958]] [[File:Steamship Star of the West, with reinforcements for Major Anderson, approaching Fort Sumter.jpg|thumb|Steamship ''Star of the West'', with reinforcements for Major Anderson, approaching Fort Sumter]] {{center|'''Honor, Duty, Respect'''&nbsp; <small>([[#Motto|motto]])</small>}} __NOTOC__ {{TOCalpha}} == A == == B == == C == * '''The Citadel cherishes the belief that the more hardship endured by the young man, the higher the quality of the person who graduates from the system.''' The Citadel devised a formula years ago to improve the quality of men who walked through her gates. The formula begins with the plebe system. One thing is certain. The plebe system is calculated to be, and generally succeeds in being, a nine month journey through hell. The freshman is beaten, harassed, ridiculed, and humiliated by the upperclassmen who concur and believe in the traditions of the school. '''Under the pressure of this system, the freshman, in theory, becomes hardened to the savage hardships of the world. Life is tough, the system says, and we are going to make life so tough for you this year that when your marriage dissolves, your child dies unexpectedly, or your platoon is decimated in a surprise attack, you can never say The Citadel didn't prepare you for the worst in life.''' ** [[Pat Conroy]], ''The Boo'' (1970), p. 6-7 * Here is what The Boo loved more than The Citadel - nothing, nothing on this Earth. The sun rose on Lesesne Gate and it set on the marshes of the Ashley River and its main job was to keep the parade grounds green. He once told me that a cadet was nothing but a bum, like you, Conroy. But a Corps of Cadets was the most beautiful thing in the world. ** [[Pat Conroy]], speaking at the 3 May 2006 funeral of former Assistant Commandant of Cadets at The Citadel and Citadel graduate Thomas Nugent Courvoisie, nicknamed "The Boo" by cadets. {{source}} * When I was writing 'The Lords of Discipline,' I went to The Boo for help. 'What makes The Citadel different from all other schools? What makes it different, special and unique? Why do I think it is the best college in the world when I hated it when I was here, Boo? Help me with this.' The Boo held up his hand and said, 'It's the ring, Bubba. Always remember that. The ring, the ring, the ring.' I thought about it for a moment then wrote the words, 'I wear the ring.' 'How about this for a first line?' 'Perfect, Bubba, just perfect.' ** [[Pat Conroy]], speaking at the 3 May 2006 funeral of former Assistant Commandant of Cadets at The Citadel and Citadel graduate Thomas Nugent Courvoisie, nicknamed "The Boo" by cadets. {{source}} == D == == E == == F == == G == == H == * A Cadet Does Not Lie, Cheat, Or Steal, Nor Tolerate Those Who Do. ** Honor Code of The Citadel == I == == J == == K == == L == == M == * Honor, Duty, Respect ** Motto of The Citadel == N == == O == == P == == Q == == R == == S == * The process was designed to create a pressure cooker environment in which young officers in training were pulled at from every direction, for every imaginable reason, to do things that were next to impossible. But the cadre were not there simply to make our lives miserable. Hot situations gave the upperclassmen excellent indicators of who was and was not suitable for command, both at the school and later in life, whether in a military capacity or otherwise. The idea was a simple: to be so overcome with stress and responsibilities, so completely surrounded with impossible demands on their time, that they would have to choose, in triage fashion, the most important tasks to complete while keeping a cool head in the process. ** George Steffner, ''Through Their Eyes: What Really Happened in the World's Toughest Plebe System'' (2014), p. 41 == T == == U == == V == == W == == X == == Y == == Z == == External link == {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Citadel, The}} [[Category:Military academies of the United States]] j22uxcp8v40rz2am6nd7w5l7d1858g2 3153052 3153041 2022-08-09T23:45:22Z Thethirdulrich 3066283 /* S */ wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:The Citadel|The Citadel, The Military College of South Carolina]]''', commonly known simply as '''The Citadel''', is a military college in [[w:Charleston, South Carolina|Charleston, South Carolina]]. Established in 1842, it is one of six [[w:United States senior military college|United States senior military college]]s. It has 18 academic departments divided into five schools offering 23 majors and 38 minors. The military program is made up of cadets pursuing bachelor's degrees who live on campus. The non-military programs offer 12 undergraduate degrees, 26 graduate degrees, as well as evening and online programs with seven online graduate degrees, three online undergraduate degrees, and three certificate programs. The [[w:South Carolina Corps of Cadets|South Carolina Corps of Cadets]] numbers 2,300 and is one of the largest uniformed bodies in the U.S. Approximately 1,350 non-cadet students are enrolled in [[w:The Citadel Graduate College|Citadel Graduate College]] pursuing undergraduate and graduate degrees. Women comprise approximately 9% of the Corps and 22% of the overall enrollment while minorities comprise 15% of the Corps and 23% of the total enrollment. Approximately half of The Citadel's cadet enrollment is from the state of South Carolina; cadets come from 45 states and 23 foreign countries. South Carolina residents receive a discount in tuition, as is common at state-sponsored schools. The Citadel receives 8% of its operating budget from the state. In 2019, the school's ROTC program commissioned 186 officers. [[File:The Citadel wordmark.png|thumb|When I was writing 'The Lords of Discipline,' I went to The Boo for help. 'What makes The Citadel different from all other schools? What makes it different, special and unique? Why do I think it is the best college in the world when I hated it when I was here, Boo? Help me with this.' The Boo held up his hand and said, 'It's the ring, Bubba. Always remember that. The ring, the ring, the ring.' I thought about it for a moment then wrote the words, 'I wear the ring.' 'How about this for a first line?' 'Perfect, Bubba, just perfect.' ~ [[Pat Conroy]]]] [[File:PT Barracks.JPG|thumb|The Citadel cherishes the belief that the more hardship endured by the young man, the higher the quality of the person who graduates from the system... Under the pressure of this system, the freshman, in theory, becomes hardened to the savage hardships of the world. Life is tough, the system says, and we are going to make life so tough for you this year that when your marriage dissolves, your child dies unexpectedly, or your platoon is decimated in a surprise attack, you can never say The Citadel didn't prepare you for the worst in life. ~ [[Pat Conroy]]]] [[File:The Citadel from air, Charleston, S. C.-6636161257.jpg|thumb|Here is what The Boo loved more than The Citadel - nothing, nothing on this Earth. The sun rose on Lesesne Gate and it set on the marshes of the Ashley River and its main job was to keep the parade grounds green. He once told me that a cadet was nothing but a bum, like you, Conroy. But a Corps of Cadets was the most beautiful thing in the world. ~ [[Pat Conroy]]]] [[File:Inside PT Barracks.jpg|thumb|Inside PT Barracks]] [[File:68 Hagood.JPG|thumb|Johnson Hagood Stadium]] [[File:The Citadel, Military College of South Carolina-2421247400.jpg|thumb|Lesesne Gate]] [[File:Historic American Buildings Survey, Louis I. Schwartz, Photographer June, 1958 GREAT COURTYARD. - South Carolina State Arsenal, Marion Square, Charleston, Charleston County, SC HABS SC,10-CHAR,76-8.tif|thumb|View through a sallyport at the original South Carolina State Arsenal in Marion Square, 1958]] [[File:Steamship Star of the West, with reinforcements for Major Anderson, approaching Fort Sumter.jpg|thumb|Steamship ''Star of the West'', with reinforcements for Major Anderson, approaching Fort Sumter]] {{center|'''Honor, Duty, Respect'''&nbsp; <small>([[#Motto|motto]])</small>}} __NOTOC__ {{TOCalpha}} == A == == B == == C == * '''The Citadel cherishes the belief that the more hardship endured by the young man, the higher the quality of the person who graduates from the system.''' The Citadel devised a formula years ago to improve the quality of men who walked through her gates. The formula begins with the plebe system. One thing is certain. The plebe system is calculated to be, and generally succeeds in being, a nine month journey through hell. The freshman is beaten, harassed, ridiculed, and humiliated by the upperclassmen who concur and believe in the traditions of the school. '''Under the pressure of this system, the freshman, in theory, becomes hardened to the savage hardships of the world. Life is tough, the system says, and we are going to make life so tough for you this year that when your marriage dissolves, your child dies unexpectedly, or your platoon is decimated in a surprise attack, you can never say The Citadel didn't prepare you for the worst in life.''' ** [[Pat Conroy]], ''The Boo'' (1970), p. 6-7 * Here is what The Boo loved more than The Citadel - nothing, nothing on this Earth. The sun rose on Lesesne Gate and it set on the marshes of the Ashley River and its main job was to keep the parade grounds green. He once told me that a cadet was nothing but a bum, like you, Conroy. But a Corps of Cadets was the most beautiful thing in the world. ** [[Pat Conroy]], speaking at the 3 May 2006 funeral of former Assistant Commandant of Cadets at The Citadel and Citadel graduate Thomas Nugent Courvoisie, nicknamed "The Boo" by cadets. {{source}} * When I was writing 'The Lords of Discipline,' I went to The Boo for help. 'What makes The Citadel different from all other schools? What makes it different, special and unique? Why do I think it is the best college in the world when I hated it when I was here, Boo? Help me with this.' The Boo held up his hand and said, 'It's the ring, Bubba. Always remember that. The ring, the ring, the ring.' I thought about it for a moment then wrote the words, 'I wear the ring.' 'How about this for a first line?' 'Perfect, Bubba, just perfect.' ** [[Pat Conroy]], speaking at the 3 May 2006 funeral of former Assistant Commandant of Cadets at The Citadel and Citadel graduate Thomas Nugent Courvoisie, nicknamed "The Boo" by cadets. {{source}} == D == == E == == F == == G == == H == * A Cadet Does Not Lie, Cheat, Or Steal, Nor Tolerate Those Who Do. ** Honor Code of The Citadel == I == == J == == K == == L == == M == * Honor, Duty, Respect ** Motto of The Citadel == N == == O == == P == == Q == == R == == S == * The process was designed to create a pressure cooker environment in which young officers in training were pulled at from every direction, for every imaginable reason, to do things that were next to impossible. But the cadre were not there simply to make our lives miserable. Hot situations gave the upperclassmen excellent indicators of who was, and was not suitable for command, both at the school and later in life. The idea was a simple: to be so overcome with stress and responsibilities, so completely surrounded with impossible demands on their time, that they would have to choose, in triage fashion, the most important tasks to complete while keeping a cool head in the process. ** George Steffner, ''Through Their Eyes: What Really Happened in the World's Toughest Plebe System'' (2014), p. 41 == T == == U == == V == == W == == X == == Y == == Z == == External link == {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Citadel, The}} [[Category:Military academies of the United States]] g88iuszs0b7calx7lnl1jv8jhbdee2a 3153053 3153052 2022-08-09T23:46:05Z Thethirdulrich 3066283 /* S */ wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:The Citadel|The Citadel, The Military College of South Carolina]]''', commonly known simply as '''The Citadel''', is a military college in [[w:Charleston, South Carolina|Charleston, South Carolina]]. Established in 1842, it is one of six [[w:United States senior military college|United States senior military college]]s. It has 18 academic departments divided into five schools offering 23 majors and 38 minors. The military program is made up of cadets pursuing bachelor's degrees who live on campus. The non-military programs offer 12 undergraduate degrees, 26 graduate degrees, as well as evening and online programs with seven online graduate degrees, three online undergraduate degrees, and three certificate programs. The [[w:South Carolina Corps of Cadets|South Carolina Corps of Cadets]] numbers 2,300 and is one of the largest uniformed bodies in the U.S. Approximately 1,350 non-cadet students are enrolled in [[w:The Citadel Graduate College|Citadel Graduate College]] pursuing undergraduate and graduate degrees. Women comprise approximately 9% of the Corps and 22% of the overall enrollment while minorities comprise 15% of the Corps and 23% of the total enrollment. Approximately half of The Citadel's cadet enrollment is from the state of South Carolina; cadets come from 45 states and 23 foreign countries. South Carolina residents receive a discount in tuition, as is common at state-sponsored schools. The Citadel receives 8% of its operating budget from the state. In 2019, the school's ROTC program commissioned 186 officers. [[File:The Citadel wordmark.png|thumb|When I was writing 'The Lords of Discipline,' I went to The Boo for help. 'What makes The Citadel different from all other schools? What makes it different, special and unique? Why do I think it is the best college in the world when I hated it when I was here, Boo? Help me with this.' The Boo held up his hand and said, 'It's the ring, Bubba. Always remember that. The ring, the ring, the ring.' I thought about it for a moment then wrote the words, 'I wear the ring.' 'How about this for a first line?' 'Perfect, Bubba, just perfect.' ~ [[Pat Conroy]]]] [[File:PT Barracks.JPG|thumb|The Citadel cherishes the belief that the more hardship endured by the young man, the higher the quality of the person who graduates from the system... Under the pressure of this system, the freshman, in theory, becomes hardened to the savage hardships of the world. Life is tough, the system says, and we are going to make life so tough for you this year that when your marriage dissolves, your child dies unexpectedly, or your platoon is decimated in a surprise attack, you can never say The Citadel didn't prepare you for the worst in life. ~ [[Pat Conroy]]]] [[File:The Citadel from air, Charleston, S. C.-6636161257.jpg|thumb|Here is what The Boo loved more than The Citadel - nothing, nothing on this Earth. The sun rose on Lesesne Gate and it set on the marshes of the Ashley River and its main job was to keep the parade grounds green. He once told me that a cadet was nothing but a bum, like you, Conroy. But a Corps of Cadets was the most beautiful thing in the world. ~ [[Pat Conroy]]]] [[File:Inside PT Barracks.jpg|thumb|Inside PT Barracks]] [[File:68 Hagood.JPG|thumb|Johnson Hagood Stadium]] [[File:The Citadel, Military College of South Carolina-2421247400.jpg|thumb|Lesesne Gate]] [[File:Historic American Buildings Survey, Louis I. Schwartz, Photographer June, 1958 GREAT COURTYARD. - South Carolina State Arsenal, Marion Square, Charleston, Charleston County, SC HABS SC,10-CHAR,76-8.tif|thumb|View through a sallyport at the original South Carolina State Arsenal in Marion Square, 1958]] [[File:Steamship Star of the West, with reinforcements for Major Anderson, approaching Fort Sumter.jpg|thumb|Steamship ''Star of the West'', with reinforcements for Major Anderson, approaching Fort Sumter]] {{center|'''Honor, Duty, Respect'''&nbsp; <small>([[#Motto|motto]])</small>}} __NOTOC__ {{TOCalpha}} == A == == B == == C == * '''The Citadel cherishes the belief that the more hardship endured by the young man, the higher the quality of the person who graduates from the system.''' The Citadel devised a formula years ago to improve the quality of men who walked through her gates. The formula begins with the plebe system. One thing is certain. The plebe system is calculated to be, and generally succeeds in being, a nine month journey through hell. The freshman is beaten, harassed, ridiculed, and humiliated by the upperclassmen who concur and believe in the traditions of the school. '''Under the pressure of this system, the freshman, in theory, becomes hardened to the savage hardships of the world. Life is tough, the system says, and we are going to make life so tough for you this year that when your marriage dissolves, your child dies unexpectedly, or your platoon is decimated in a surprise attack, you can never say The Citadel didn't prepare you for the worst in life.''' ** [[Pat Conroy]], ''The Boo'' (1970), p. 6-7 * Here is what The Boo loved more than The Citadel - nothing, nothing on this Earth. The sun rose on Lesesne Gate and it set on the marshes of the Ashley River and its main job was to keep the parade grounds green. He once told me that a cadet was nothing but a bum, like you, Conroy. But a Corps of Cadets was the most beautiful thing in the world. ** [[Pat Conroy]], speaking at the 3 May 2006 funeral of former Assistant Commandant of Cadets at The Citadel and Citadel graduate Thomas Nugent Courvoisie, nicknamed "The Boo" by cadets. {{source}} * When I was writing 'The Lords of Discipline,' I went to The Boo for help. 'What makes The Citadel different from all other schools? What makes it different, special and unique? Why do I think it is the best college in the world when I hated it when I was here, Boo? Help me with this.' The Boo held up his hand and said, 'It's the ring, Bubba. Always remember that. The ring, the ring, the ring.' I thought about it for a moment then wrote the words, 'I wear the ring.' 'How about this for a first line?' 'Perfect, Bubba, just perfect.' ** [[Pat Conroy]], speaking at the 3 May 2006 funeral of former Assistant Commandant of Cadets at The Citadel and Citadel graduate Thomas Nugent Courvoisie, nicknamed "The Boo" by cadets. {{source}} == D == == E == == F == == G == == H == * A Cadet Does Not Lie, Cheat, Or Steal, Nor Tolerate Those Who Do. ** Honor Code of The Citadel == I == == J == == K == == L == == M == * Honor, Duty, Respect ** Motto of The Citadel == N == == O == == P == == Q == == R == == S == * The process was designed to create a pressure cooker environment in which young officers in training were pulled at from every direction, for every imaginable reason, to do things that were next to impossible. But the cadre weren't there simply to make our lives miserable. Hot situations gave the upperclassmen excellent indicators of who was, and was not suitable for command, both at the school and later in life. The idea was a simple: to be so overcome with stress and responsibilities, so completely surrounded with impossible demands on their time, that they would have to choose, in triage fashion, the most important tasks to complete while keeping a cool head in the process. ** George Steffner, ''Through Their Eyes: What Really Happened in the World's Toughest Plebe System'' (2014), p. 41 == T == == U == == V == == W == == X == == Y == == Z == == External link == {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Citadel, The}} [[Category:Military academies of the United States]] mj3qm5atle0evcy5kswbf3ksugy754r 0 235385 3152983 3152618 2022-08-09T19:29:07Z Philip Cross 7192 /* 2019–2020 */ veracity of quote cannot be confirmed, this Wikiquote article was its only appearance online wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene official photo, 117th Congress.jpg|thumb|Marjorie Taylor Greene]] '''[[w:Marjorie Taylor Greene|Marjorie Taylor Greene]]''' (born May 27, 1974) is an American [[w:Far-right politics|far-right]] politician, businesswoman, and [[w:Conspiracy theory|conspiracy theorist]] serving as a [[w:U.S. representative|U.S. representative]] for [[w:Georgia's 14th congressional district|Georgia's 14th congressional district]]. A member of the [[w:Republican Party (United States)|Republican Party]] and a supporter of [[Donald Trump]], Greene was elected to Congress in November 2020 and sworn into office on January 3, 2021. == Quotes == === 2019–2020 === * [[Trans]] does not mean [[gender]] change, it just means a gender refusal and gender pretending! Truth is [[truth]], it is not a [[choice]]!!! ** on [[Facebook]] according to [https://web.archive.org/web/20200812162917/https://www.splcenter.org/hatewatch/2019/08/16/marjorie-taylor-greene-how-outspoken-maga-fan-built-following-world-extremists Marjorie Taylor Greene: How an outspoken [[MAGA]] fan built a following in a world of extremists] August 16, 2019 * The most mistreated group of people in the United States today are white males ** Quoted by {{citation |date=September 18, 2020 | author = Daniel Strauss | url=https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2020/sep/18/republican-qanon-congress-marjorie-taylor-greene |title=QAnon conspiracy theorist to feel warm embrace of Republicans in Congress |publisher = The Guardian}} === 2021 === * How stupid they [Democrats] are. They don’t even realize they’re helping me. I’m pretty amazed at how dumb they are. ** [https://www.washingtonexaminer.com/washington-secrets/interview-marjorie-taylor-greene-shrugs-democrats-are-helping-me Interview: Marjorie Taylor Greene shrugs, Democrats ‘are helping me’] February 3, 2021 * I think Republicans need to get back to who they are, and they need to stop talking and actually doing. And [[Kevin McCarthy]] and all these leaders, the leadership, and everyone is proving that they are all talk and not about action, and they’re just all about doing business as usual in Washington. And so, what’s the difference between them and the Democrats? There isn’t a difference ** [https://www.washingtonexaminer.com/washington-secrets/interview-marjorie-taylor-greene-shrugs-democrats-are-helping-me Interview: Marjorie Taylor Greene shrugs, Democrats ‘are helping me’] February 3, 2021 * I'm fine with being kicked off of my committees because it'd be a waste of my time. So now I have a lot of free time on my hands. ** Quoted by {{citation |date=February 5, 2021 | author = Marisa Schultz | url=https://www.foxnews.com/politics/rep-marjorie-taylor-greene-speaks-house-ouster-committee-assignments |title=Marjorie Taylor Greene says she's 'fine' being ousted from committees: 'It'd be a waste of my time' |publisher=FOX News}} * The media mob, which controls which information is told and tells people how to think about it, are effectively re-educating our population, while communists woke teacher’s unions are brainwashing our children...twitter February 7, 2021 {{fix cite}} * Vaccinated employees get a vaccination logo just like the Nazi’s forced Jewish people to wear a gold star. ** Tweet quoted by {{citation |date=May 25, 2021 | author = Kevin Breuninger | url=https://www.cnbc.com/2021/05/25/gop-leader-kevin-mccarthy-condemns-marjorie-taylor-greenes-tweet-comparing-vaccinations-to-the-holocaust.html |title=GOP leader Kevin McCarthy condemns Marjorie Taylor Greene comparing Covid rules to the Holocaust |publisher=CNBC News}} * [[2021 storming of the United States Capitol|January 6]] was just a riot at the Capitol and if you think about what our [[Declaration of Independence]] says, it says to overthrow tyrants. ** [https://www.cnn.com/2021/10/26/politics/marjorie-taylor-greene-january-6-riot/index.html "Marjorie Taylor Greene is now trying to justify the January 6 riot"], CNN, quoting from a podcast with [[Steve Bannon]] (October 27, 2021) === 2022 === * I only believe in peaceful demonstration. I do not support violence : We saw a tremendous amount of voter fraud, ** '''[https://www.cnn.com/2022/04/22/politics/marjorie-taylor-greene-disqualification/index.html Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene testifies she doesn't remember her actions leading up to January 6]''' (April 22, 2022) ==About {{PAGENAME}}== * I miss Scott terribly, and Feb. 14 is a really hard day. So, you know what? I do say to Marjorie Taylor Greene ... find your conscience. You're a mother, man up or woman up, whatever you want to say, and tell the truth. **Mother of [[w:Stoneman Douglas High School shooting|Parkland teacher]] '''Scott Beige''' in [https://thehill.com/homenews/house/536816-parkland-victims-mother-urges-marjorie-taylor-greene-to-stop-calling-shooting Parkland victim's mother urged Rep. Greene to stop saying shootings were faked] February 1, 2021 * Assigning her to the Education Committee when she has mocked the killing of little children at [[Sandy Hook Elementary School]], when she has mocked the killing of teenagers in high school at the Marjory Stoneman. ** [[Nancy Pelosi]] according to [https://people.com/politics/condemnation-grows-for-rep-marjorie-taylor-greene-after-parkland-video/ Chorus of Condemnation Grows for New Congresswoman Seen Badgering Parkland Shooting Survivor] January 29, 2021 * Future republican star. ** President Donald Trump, as quoted {{citation |date=2020-08-12 | author = Camila Domonoske | url=https://www.npr.org/2020/08/12/901628541/qanon-supporter-who-made-bigoted-videos-wins-ga-primary-likely-heading-to-congre |title=QAnon Supporter Who Made Bigoted Videos Wins Ga. Primary, Likely Heading To Congress |publisher = The Guardian}} * Marjorie is wrong, and her intentional decision to compare the horrors of the Holocaust with wearing masks is appalling. The Holocaust is the greatest atrocity committed in history. The fact that this needs to be stated today is deeply troubling. ** [https://republicanleader.house.gov/leader-mccarthy-condemns-comparisons-to-the-holocaust/ Statement from House Republican Leader Kevin McCarthy], 25 May 2021 * .. the leaders of this insurrection, of whom there were a number, were among us on Facebook, on Twitter, on corners of social media that would make your stomach hurt. The evidence will show that Marjorie Taylor Greene was one of them ** Ron Fein, a lawyer for the challengers [https://www.cnn.com/2022/04/22/politics/marjorie-taylor-greene-disqualification/index.html Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene testifies she doesn't remember her actions leading up to January 6] (Fri April 22, 2022) == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Greene, Marjorie Taylor}} [[Category:Members of the United States House of Representatives]] [[Category:Conspiracy theorists]] [[Category:People from Georgia (U.S. state)]] [[Category:1974 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Businesspeople from the United States]] [[Category:Gun rights advocates]] [[Category:Republican Party (United States) politicians]] [[Category:Conservatives from the United States]] [[Category:Women politicians]] [[Category:American women]] [[Category:Criticism of Islam]] [[Category:Nationalists]] 8dwa9qx0joauynkr05le86sn1sypaw0 3152984 3152983 2022-08-09T19:29:49Z Philip Cross 7192 /* 2019–2020 */ ce wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene official photo, 117th Congress.jpg|thumb|Marjorie Taylor Greene]] '''[[w:Marjorie Taylor Greene|Marjorie Taylor Greene]]''' (born May 27, 1974) is an American [[w:Far-right politics|far-right]] politician, businesswoman, and [[w:Conspiracy theory|conspiracy theorist]] serving as a [[w:U.S. representative|U.S. representative]] for [[w:Georgia's 14th congressional district|Georgia's 14th congressional district]]. A member of the [[w:Republican Party (United States)|Republican Party]] and a supporter of [[Donald Trump]], Greene was elected to Congress in November 2020 and sworn into office on January 3, 2021. == Quotes == === 2019–2020 === * [[Trans]] does not mean [[gender]] change, it just means a gender refusal and gender pretending! Truth is [[truth]], it is not a [[choice]]!!! ** on [[Facebook]] according to [https://web.archive.org/web/20200812162917/https://www.splcenter.org/hatewatch/2019/08/16/marjorie-taylor-greene-how-outspoken-maga-fan-built-following-world-extremists Marjorie Taylor Greene: How an outspoken [[MAGA]] fan built a following in a world of extremists] August 16, 2019 * The most mistreated group of people in the United States today are white males. ** Quoted by {{citation |date=September 18, 2020 | author = Daniel Strauss | url=https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2020/sep/18/republican-qanon-congress-marjorie-taylor-greene |title=QAnon conspiracy theorist to feel warm embrace of Republicans in Congress |publisher = The Guardian}} === 2021 === * How stupid they [Democrats] are. They don’t even realize they’re helping me. I’m pretty amazed at how dumb they are. ** [https://www.washingtonexaminer.com/washington-secrets/interview-marjorie-taylor-greene-shrugs-democrats-are-helping-me Interview: Marjorie Taylor Greene shrugs, Democrats ‘are helping me’] February 3, 2021 * I think Republicans need to get back to who they are, and they need to stop talking and actually doing. And [[Kevin McCarthy]] and all these leaders, the leadership, and everyone is proving that they are all talk and not about action, and they’re just all about doing business as usual in Washington. And so, what’s the difference between them and the Democrats? There isn’t a difference ** [https://www.washingtonexaminer.com/washington-secrets/interview-marjorie-taylor-greene-shrugs-democrats-are-helping-me Interview: Marjorie Taylor Greene shrugs, Democrats ‘are helping me’] February 3, 2021 * I'm fine with being kicked off of my committees because it'd be a waste of my time. So now I have a lot of free time on my hands. ** Quoted by {{citation |date=February 5, 2021 | author = Marisa Schultz | url=https://www.foxnews.com/politics/rep-marjorie-taylor-greene-speaks-house-ouster-committee-assignments |title=Marjorie Taylor Greene says she's 'fine' being ousted from committees: 'It'd be a waste of my time' |publisher=FOX News}} * The media mob, which controls which information is told and tells people how to think about it, are effectively re-educating our population, while communists woke teacher’s unions are brainwashing our children...twitter February 7, 2021 {{fix cite}} * Vaccinated employees get a vaccination logo just like the Nazi’s forced Jewish people to wear a gold star. ** Tweet quoted by {{citation |date=May 25, 2021 | author = Kevin Breuninger | url=https://www.cnbc.com/2021/05/25/gop-leader-kevin-mccarthy-condemns-marjorie-taylor-greenes-tweet-comparing-vaccinations-to-the-holocaust.html |title=GOP leader Kevin McCarthy condemns Marjorie Taylor Greene comparing Covid rules to the Holocaust |publisher=CNBC News}} * [[2021 storming of the United States Capitol|January 6]] was just a riot at the Capitol and if you think about what our [[Declaration of Independence]] says, it says to overthrow tyrants. ** [https://www.cnn.com/2021/10/26/politics/marjorie-taylor-greene-january-6-riot/index.html "Marjorie Taylor Greene is now trying to justify the January 6 riot"], CNN, quoting from a podcast with [[Steve Bannon]] (October 27, 2021) === 2022 === * I only believe in peaceful demonstration. I do not support violence : We saw a tremendous amount of voter fraud, ** '''[https://www.cnn.com/2022/04/22/politics/marjorie-taylor-greene-disqualification/index.html Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene testifies she doesn't remember her actions leading up to January 6]''' (April 22, 2022) ==About {{PAGENAME}}== * I miss Scott terribly, and Feb. 14 is a really hard day. So, you know what? I do say to Marjorie Taylor Greene ... find your conscience. You're a mother, man up or woman up, whatever you want to say, and tell the truth. **Mother of [[w:Stoneman Douglas High School shooting|Parkland teacher]] '''Scott Beige''' in [https://thehill.com/homenews/house/536816-parkland-victims-mother-urges-marjorie-taylor-greene-to-stop-calling-shooting Parkland victim's mother urged Rep. Greene to stop saying shootings were faked] February 1, 2021 * Assigning her to the Education Committee when she has mocked the killing of little children at [[Sandy Hook Elementary School]], when she has mocked the killing of teenagers in high school at the Marjory Stoneman. ** [[Nancy Pelosi]] according to [https://people.com/politics/condemnation-grows-for-rep-marjorie-taylor-greene-after-parkland-video/ Chorus of Condemnation Grows for New Congresswoman Seen Badgering Parkland Shooting Survivor] January 29, 2021 * Future republican star. ** President Donald Trump, as quoted {{citation |date=2020-08-12 | author = Camila Domonoske | url=https://www.npr.org/2020/08/12/901628541/qanon-supporter-who-made-bigoted-videos-wins-ga-primary-likely-heading-to-congre |title=QAnon Supporter Who Made Bigoted Videos Wins Ga. Primary, Likely Heading To Congress |publisher = The Guardian}} * Marjorie is wrong, and her intentional decision to compare the horrors of the Holocaust with wearing masks is appalling. The Holocaust is the greatest atrocity committed in history. The fact that this needs to be stated today is deeply troubling. ** [https://republicanleader.house.gov/leader-mccarthy-condemns-comparisons-to-the-holocaust/ Statement from House Republican Leader Kevin McCarthy], 25 May 2021 * .. the leaders of this insurrection, of whom there were a number, were among us on Facebook, on Twitter, on corners of social media that would make your stomach hurt. The evidence will show that Marjorie Taylor Greene was one of them ** Ron Fein, a lawyer for the challengers [https://www.cnn.com/2022/04/22/politics/marjorie-taylor-greene-disqualification/index.html Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene testifies she doesn't remember her actions leading up to January 6] (Fri April 22, 2022) == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Greene, Marjorie Taylor}} [[Category:Members of the United States House of Representatives]] [[Category:Conspiracy theorists]] [[Category:People from Georgia (U.S. state)]] [[Category:1974 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Businesspeople from the United States]] [[Category:Gun rights advocates]] [[Category:Republican Party (United States) politicians]] [[Category:Conservatives from the United States]] [[Category:Women politicians]] [[Category:American women]] [[Category:Criticism of Islam]] [[Category:Nationalists]] ed2xr88eegandyg53okf3p4wwtihpnt 0 237625 3153144 3001521 2022-08-10T05:05:34Z 162.197.99.132 /* Estella von Hellman/Cruella de Vil */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Cruella (film)|Cruella]]''''' (stylized onscreen as '''''Cruella de Vil''''') is a [[w:2021 in film|2021]] American crime comedy film produced by Walt Disney Pictures. It is based on the character of [[w:Cruella de Vil|Cruella de Vil]] from [[w:Dodie Smith|Dodie Smith]]'s 1956 novel ''[[w:The Hundred and One Dalmatians|The Hundred and One Dalmatians]]'' and [[Walt Disney]]'s [[One Hundred and One Dalmatians|1961 animated film adaption]]. The film stars [[Emma Stone]], [[Emma Thompson]], [[w:Joel Fry (actor)|Joel Fry]], [[w:Paul Walter Hauser|Paul Walter Hauser]], [[w:Emily Beecham|Emily Beecham]], [[w:Kirby Howell-Baptiste|Kirby Howell-Baptiste]], and [[w:Mark Strong|Mark Strong]]. :''Directed by [[w:Craig Gillespie|Craig Gillespie]]. Written by [[w:Dana Fox|Dana Fox]] and [[w:Tony McNamara (writer)|Tony McNamara]]'' {{film-stub}} ==Estella von Hellman/Cruella de Vil== * I'm Cruella. * I'm born brilliant, born bad, and a little bit mad. * How does the saying go? I am woman, Hear me roar. That wasn't much of a thing back in 1964 but it was about to be. * I found friends in unlikely places. * I'm just getting started, darling. * I want to make art, and I want to make trouble. * I look stunning, I don’t know about familiar. * Being a genius is one thing. Raising a genius, however, does come with its challenges. * That psycho cannot be my mother. ==Baroness von Hellman== * Looks like I've found my new signature piece. How do you like it? * You can't care about anyone else. Everyone else is an obstacle. You care what an obstacle wants or feels, you're dead. If I cared about anyone or thing, I might have died like so many brilliant women with a drawer full of unseen genius and a heart full of sad bitterness. You have the talent for your own label. Whether you have the killer instinct is the big question. * She has made it me or her. And I choose me. * Let me give you some advice. If you need to talk about power, you don't have it. ==Catherine== * Thats's cruel! Your name's Estella, not Cruella. ==Dialogue== :'''Cruella''': You killed my mother! :'''Baroness''': You need to be more specific. ==Cast== * [[Emma Stone]] as [[w:Cruella de Vil|Estella von Hellman/Cruella de Vil]] ** Tipper Seifert-Cleveland (12 years old) ** Billie Gadsdon as (5 years old) * [[Emma Thompson]] as Baroness von Hellman * [[w:Joel Fry (actor)|Joel Fry]] as Jasper Badun ** Ziggy Gardner (young) * [[w:Paul Walter Hauser|Paul Walter Hauser]] as Horace ** Joseph MacDonald (young) * [[w:Emily Beecham|Emily Beecham]] as Catherine Miller * [[w:Kirby Howell-Baptiste|Kirby Howell-Baptiste]] as Anita "Tattletale" Darling ** Florisa Kamara (young) * [[w:Mark Strong|Mark Strong]] as John * [[w:John McCrea (actor)|John McCrea]] as Artie * [[w:Kayvan Novak|Kayvan Novak]] as Roger Dearly * [[w:Jamie Demetriou|Jamie Demetriou]] as Gerald * Andrew Leung as Jeffery == External links == * {{IMDb title|id=3228774|title=Cruella}} {{wikipedia}} [[Category:2021 films]] [[Category:American films]] [[Category:Crime films]] [[Category:Prequel films]] [[Category:Film spin-offs]] [[Category:Films about revenge]] [[Category:Films set in London]] [[Category:British films]] [[Category:Films about dogs]] [[Category:Comedy films]] 1hn7lq5dtsp7aq4i9lg5a6jebveg95g 3153145 3153144 2022-08-10T05:07:37Z 162.197.99.132 /* Baroness von Hellman */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Cruella (film)|Cruella]]''''' (stylized onscreen as '''''Cruella de Vil''''') is a [[w:2021 in film|2021]] American crime comedy film produced by Walt Disney Pictures. It is based on the character of [[w:Cruella de Vil|Cruella de Vil]] from [[w:Dodie Smith|Dodie Smith]]'s 1956 novel ''[[w:The Hundred and One Dalmatians|The Hundred and One Dalmatians]]'' and [[Walt Disney]]'s [[One Hundred and One Dalmatians|1961 animated film adaption]]. The film stars [[Emma Stone]], [[Emma Thompson]], [[w:Joel Fry (actor)|Joel Fry]], [[w:Paul Walter Hauser|Paul Walter Hauser]], [[w:Emily Beecham|Emily Beecham]], [[w:Kirby Howell-Baptiste|Kirby Howell-Baptiste]], and [[w:Mark Strong|Mark Strong]]. :''Directed by [[w:Craig Gillespie|Craig Gillespie]]. Written by [[w:Dana Fox|Dana Fox]] and [[w:Tony McNamara (writer)|Tony McNamara]]'' {{film-stub}} ==Estella von Hellman/Cruella de Vil== * I'm Cruella. * I'm born brilliant, born bad, and a little bit mad. * How does the saying go? I am woman, Hear me roar. That wasn't much of a thing back in 1964 but it was about to be. * I found friends in unlikely places. * I'm just getting started, darling. * I want to make art, and I want to make trouble. * I look stunning, I don’t know about familiar. * Being a genius is one thing. Raising a genius, however, does come with its challenges. * That psycho cannot be my mother. ==Baroness von Hellman== * Looks like I've found my new signature piece. How do you like it? * You can't care about anyone else. Everyone else is an obstacle. You care what an obstacle wants or feels, you're dead. If I cared about anyone or thing, I might have died like so many brilliant women with a drawer full of unseen genius and a heart full of sad bitterness. You have the talent for your own label. Whether you have the killer instinct is the big question. * She has made it me or her. And I choose me. * Let me give you some advice. If you need to talk about power, you don't have it. * I'm pregnant. ==Catherine== * Thats's cruel! Your name's Estella, not Cruella. ==Dialogue== :'''Cruella''': You killed my mother! :'''Baroness''': You need to be more specific. ==Cast== * [[Emma Stone]] as [[w:Cruella de Vil|Estella von Hellman/Cruella de Vil]] ** Tipper Seifert-Cleveland (12 years old) ** Billie Gadsdon as (5 years old) * [[Emma Thompson]] as Baroness von Hellman * [[w:Joel Fry (actor)|Joel Fry]] as Jasper Badun ** Ziggy Gardner (young) * [[w:Paul Walter Hauser|Paul Walter Hauser]] as Horace ** Joseph MacDonald (young) * [[w:Emily Beecham|Emily Beecham]] as Catherine Miller * [[w:Kirby Howell-Baptiste|Kirby Howell-Baptiste]] as Anita "Tattletale" Darling ** Florisa Kamara (young) * [[w:Mark Strong|Mark Strong]] as John * [[w:John McCrea (actor)|John McCrea]] as Artie * [[w:Kayvan Novak|Kayvan Novak]] as Roger Dearly * [[w:Jamie Demetriou|Jamie Demetriou]] as Gerald * Andrew Leung as Jeffery == External links == * {{IMDb title|id=3228774|title=Cruella}} {{wikipedia}} [[Category:2021 films]] [[Category:American films]] [[Category:Crime films]] [[Category:Prequel films]] [[Category:Film spin-offs]] [[Category:Films about revenge]] [[Category:Films set in London]] [[Category:British films]] [[Category:Films about dogs]] [[Category:Comedy films]] 30bsk4ag9wegh2ak6mk9llr9jbd4050 2 237731 3152911 3152854 2022-08-09T13:00:12Z Toadboy123 3070320 wikitext text/x-wiki == Wikiquote pages == <div style="float: right; border: 1px solid #ccc; padding: 3px; background: #f6f6f6; margin-left: 10px;"> {{user Wikipedia|Toadboy123}}<br/> {{user en-N}} </div> ===Created=== :[[Thuy Trang]] ~ [[Jamie Chung]] ~ [[Arden Cho]] ~ [[Lana Condor]] ~ [[Kelly Marie Tran]] ~ [[Claudia Kim]] ~ [[Yunjin Kim]] ~ [[Park So-dam]] ~ [[Song Kang-ho]] ~ [[Constance Wu]] ~ [[Lauren Tom]] ~ [[Moon So-ri]] ~ [[Miri Yu]] ~ [[Kim Hye-ja]] ~ [[Youn Yuh-jung]] ~ [[Lin Biao]] ~ [[Bong Joon-ho]] ~ [[Megumi Hayashibara]] ~ [[Jenny Han]] ~ [[Han Kang]] ~ [[Jenny Xie]] ~ [[Chulpan Khamatova]] ~ [[Thao Nguyen]] ~ [[Brian Tee]] ~ [[Dustin Nguyen]] ~ [[Weijia Jiang]] ~ [[Hu Yaobang]] ~ [[Hu Shuli]] ~ [[Brigitte Lin]] ~ [[Michael Douglas]] ~ [[Tzi Ma]] ~ [[Glacier Kwong]] ~ [[Rebecca Lim]] ~ [[Kirstin Chen]] ~ [[Lulu Wang]] ~ [[Yang Yuanqing]] ~ [[Ren Zhengfei]] ~ [[Tan Kheng Hua]] ~ [[Jet Li]] ~ [[Mirai Nagasu]] ~ [[Kim Bora]] ~ [[Daniel Dae Kim]] ~ [[Karen Fukuhara]] ~ [[Na Kyung-won]] ~ [[Simu Liu]] ~ [[Michelle Yeoh]] ~ [[Gemma Chan]] ~ [[Michelle Wu]] ~ [[Katie Leung]] ~ [[Lee Chang-dong]] ~ [[Lê Duẩn]] ~ [[Nguyễn Văn Linh]] ~ [[Hanoi Hannah]] ~ [[Cui Jian]] ~ [[An-My Lê]] ~ [[Wong Kar-wai]] ~ [[Chloé Zhao]] ~ [[Mary Elizabeth Winstead]] ~ [[Tony Leung]] ~ [[Ma Huateng]] ~ [[Ngô Thanh Vân]] ~ [[Robert Kocharyan]] ~ [[Chun Doo-hwan]] ~ [[Nikol Pashinyan]] ~ [[Korean Air Lines Flight 007]] ~ [[Robert Lewandowski]] ~ [[Tsai Chin]] ~ [[Roh Moo-hyun]] ~ [[Nursultan Nazarbayev]] ~ [[Sergey Shoygu]] ~ [[Jimmy Doolittle]] ~ [[Soong Mei-ling]] ~ [[Alex Morgan]] ~ [[Sunisa Lee]] ~ [[Simone Biles]] ~ [[Islam Karimov]] ~ [[Viktor Tsoi]] ~ [[Hsiao Bi-khim]] ~ [[Sampoong Department Store collapse]] ~ [[Roh Tae-woo]] ~ [[Nguyễn Văn Thiệu]] ~ [[Valery Gerasimov]] ~ [[Valentin Varennikov]] ~ [[Korean Air Flight 801]] ~ [[Kim Hyon-hui]] ~ [[Franjo Tuđman]] ~ [[Nguyễn Phú Trọng]] ~ [[Nguyễn Xuân Phúc]] ~ [[LOT Polish Airlines Flight 5055]] ~ [[Chinese economic reform]] ~ [[Tadeusz Mazowiecki]] ~ [[Andrzej Duda]] ~ [[Vietnamese people in Poland]] ~ [[Vietnamese Americans]] ~ [[Sviatlana Tsikhanouskaya]] ~ [[Mateusz Morawiecki]] ~ [[Flag of South Vietnam]] ~ [[Soong Ching-ling]] ~ [[Armen Sarkissian]] ~ [[Trần Đại Quang]] ~ [[Nguyễn Thị Kim Ngân]] ~ [[Đặng Thị Ngọc Thịnh]] ~ [[Bronisław Komorowski]] ~ [[Phan Thi Kim Phuc]] ~ [[Kristi Yamaguchi]] ~ [[Shavkat Mirziyoyev]] ~ [[Israel Epstein]] ~ [[Christine Ko]] ~ [[2018 Holy See–China Agreement]] ~ [[Makhmut Gareev]] ~ [[Kolinda Grabar-Kitarović]] ~ [[Aleksander Kwaśniewski]] ~ [[Nguyễn Thị Bình]] ~ [[Victor Gao]] ~ [[Soviet invasion of Manchuria]] ~ [[Paul Rudd]] ~ [[HoYeon Jung]] ~ [[Jiang Qing]] ~ [[Yuri Andropov]] ~ [[Ramzan Kadyrov]] ~ [[Timothée Chalamet]] ~ [[Zoran Milanović]] ~ [[Andrej Plenković]] ~ [[Lee Jung-jae]] ~ [[Yang Li]] ~ [[Penn Badgley]] ~ [[Prayut Chan-o-cha]] ~ [[Yingluck Shinawatra]] ~ [[Aleksandar Vučić]] ~ [[Tsakhiagiin Elbegdorj]] ~ [[Khaltmaagiin Battulga]] ~ [[Ayaz Mutallibov]] ~ [[Bhumibol Adulyadej]] ~ [[Vajiralongkorn]] ~ [[Geling Yan]] ~ [[Wang Qishan]] ~ [[Ananda Mahidol]] ~ [[Ana Brnabić]] ~ [[Ivica Dačić]] ~ [[Nambaryn Enkhbayar]] ~ [[Peng Shuai]] ~ [[Liu Yandong]] ~ [[Liu Shaoqi]] ~ [[Zhu De]] ~ [[Liu Wen (model)]] ~ [[Rebel Pepper]] ~ [[Ti-Anna Wang]] ~ [[Padma Lakshmi]] ~ [[Wojciech Jaruzelski]] ~ [[Zhu Fenglian]] ~ [[Zhang Zhaozhong]] ~ [[James Robinson Risner]] ~ [[Michael McFaul]] ~ [[Nanfu Wang]] ~ [[Bülent Ecevit]] ~ [[Viktor Yanukovych]] ~ [[John D. Bulkeley]] ~ [[Syngman Rhee]] ~ [[Roman Shukhevych]] ~ [[Robert Lee Scott Jr.]] ~ [[Naruhito]] ~ [[Stepan Bandera]] ~ [[Ivan Kozhedub]] ~ [[Rudolf Nureyev]] ~ [[Mustafa Dzhemilev]] ~ [[Gong Yoo]] ~ [[Vladivostok]] ~ [[Yang Jiechi]] ~ [[Anna Jantar]] ~ [[Hua Chunying]] ~ [[Gong Li]] ~ [[Yoon Suk-yeol]] ~ [[Nanjing Massacre]] ~ [[Chen Shui-bian]] ~ [[Bae Doona]] ~ [[Lee Young-ae]] ~ [[Chen Ruolin]] ~ [[Zhang Yufei]] ~ [[Sooronbay Jeenbekov]] ~ [[Scott Morrison]] ~ [[Vladimir Zhirinovsky]] ~ [[Trường Chinh]] ~ [[Qian Julie Wang]] ~ [[Gary Locke]] ~ [[Fala Chen]] ~ [[Wei Jingsheng]] ~ [[Guo Jingjing]] ~ [[Beiwen Zhang]] ~ [[Sania Nehwal]] ~ [[Guangzhou]] ~ [[Zhengzhou]] ~ [[Richard E. Cole]] ~ [[John Lee Ka-chiu]] ~ [[Shi Tingmao]] ~ [[Nicolas Cage]] ~ [[Chinese Communist Party]] ~ [[Ahmed Ben Bella]] ~ [[Benedict Cumberbatch]] ~ [[Zhang Yimou]] ~ [[Gyaincain Norbu]] ~ [[Choekyi Gyaltsen]] ~ [[Lin Ching-yi]] ~ [[Dmitry Yazov]] ~ [[One-child policy]] ~ [[Thongloun Sisoulith]] ~ [[Kaysone Phomvihane]] ~ [[Choummaly Sayasone]] ~ [[Bounnhang Vorachit]] ~ [[Nguyễn Tấn Dũng]] ~ [[Junichiro Koizumi]] ~ [[Leonid Kravchuk]] ~ [[Leonid Kuchma]] ~ [[Mick Wallace]] ~ [[Vasily Sokolovsky]] ~ [[Tigran Keosayan]] ~ [[Mila Kunis]] ~ [[Aslan Maskhadov]] ~ [[Sergei Korolev]] ~ [[Alexander Lebed]] ~ [[Olga Tokarczuk]] ===Updated=== :[[Park Geun-hye]] ~ [[Robert Downey Jr.]] ~ [[Bo Xilai]] ~ [[Ming-Na Wen]] ~ [[Zhou Enlai]] ~ [[Zhu Rongji]] ~ [[Liu Chuanzhi]] ~ [[Kim Dae-jung]] ~ [[Moon Jae-in]] ~ [[Qin Gang]] ~ [[Margarita Simonyan]] ===Drafts=== :[[Beyblade]] sz1it2srrhghexbdbrct6b6rrpx4r03 0 237849 3153130 3082720 2022-08-10T03:25:45Z Eaglestorm 16205 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:RoboCop 3|RoboCop3]]''''' is a [[w:1993 in film|1993]] American [[w:science fiction|science fiction]] [[w:action film|action film]], featuring the titular character RoboCop as he continues to work in Detroit. Meanwhile, the bankrupt city government is forced to give up and prepare the city or redevelopment by [[w:Omni Consumer Products|Omni Consumer Products]] into a new metropolis called Delta City, while deploying Urban Rehabilitator squads - the Rehabs - to force out the residents. :''Directed by [[w:Fred Dekker|Fred Dekker]]. Screenplay by Fred Dekker and [[Frank Miller]].'' {{center|'''Chaos. Corruption. Civil War. He's back to lay down the law.'''<small>([[#Taglines|taglines]])</small>}} ==Dr Marie Lazarus== * ''[airing a message to the public using OCP security cameras, with Nikko Halloran's help]'' People of Detroit, this is an illegal broadcast. It may be cut off at any time. So listen to me. OCP is lying to you. They're destroying people's lives for big business. Those Rehabs you see on TV, they're mercenaries hired by OCP to throw people out of their homes. You've got to believe me. I'm speaking for all the homeless and jobless citizens of this city and every city like it run by heartless capitalist scumbags, OCP doesn't care about people. OCP cares about... Your neighborhood is next unless you fight back now. Time's running out. OCP's the enemy. I repeat. Time is running out. OCP is the enemy. Help us. Innocent people are dying. == Dialogue == :''[Dr Lazarus tinkers with RoboCop and a jetpack unit]'' :'''Dr Marie Lazarus''': What I've done is programmed the command system to take its cues from your hard drive. I've also rigged it to work as an auxiliary power unit. So if you ever have a power drain like yesterday, just interface with the flight pack and recharge whether you fly or not. Nikko, see those resistors over there? Get them for me, will you? :''[Robocop wakes up at the last phrase and remembers Anne Lewis dying in his arms]'' :'''Sgt Anne Lewis''': ''[in monitors showing RoboCop's visual memories]'' Get them for me. Promise me. ''[repeats]'' :''[RoboCop detaches from flight suit and gets his weapon attachment and helmet]'' :'''Bertha''': What's going on? :'''RoboCop''': Excuse me. :'''Bertha''': Hey, Mac, where you going? :'''RoboCop''': ''[to Bertha]'' Unfinished business. ''[leaves]'' :'''Dr Lazarus''': It's okay. He'll be back. He needs us too. :'''Nikko Halloran''': Where's he going? :'''Dr Lazarus''': To keep a promise. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Coontz startles Bertha and the gang]'' :'''Bertha''': Thanks for the heart attack. ''[to members]'' I believe I will go and send out a recon team. :'''Coontz''': I got a better idea. ''[draw pistol]'' Why don't we just all have a seat. And relax. It'll all be over in a few minutes. :'''Zack''': You son of a bitch. :'''Coontz''': ''[has pistol]'' Hey watch the language, there's children present. :'''Bertha''': ''[aims pistol at Coontz from behind]'' Drop it, Coontz. I'm not going to ask twice. ''[Coontz drops pistol]'' :'''Moreno''': ''[stands up, curious at what Coontz just said]'' What do you mean about "it'll all be over in a few minutes"? :'''Bertha''': ''[Coontz' hand twitches and he make a slight shrug; realizes that he has betrayed them to the Rehabs]'' Get the kids out of here! Now! ''[everybody tries to escape as OCP Rehab forces storm the Resistance base]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sgt Reed argues with OCP executive Mr Johnson over Robocop's latest attack, but McDaggett and his men enter the precinct]'' :'''Paul McDaggett''': Sergeant, we're taking Cadillac Heights. I'll need 50 of your men armed and in full body armor in one hour. Mr Johnson, tell the CEO the demolition crews will have total access at 0600 hours tomorrow morning. :'''Sgt. Warren Reed''': Hey, we don't do that kind of work. :'''McDaggett''': That was a direct order, Sergeant. :'''Reed''': Driving people out of their homes is no work for a cop! :'''Donald Johnson''': ''[tries to convince him]'' Now, Sergeant. Fifteen years on the force is quite an investment. Your job, your pension. Maybe instead of worrying about these squatters, you might think about your own family. :'''Reed''': I am. ''[removes his badge and drops it to the floor]'' I'm thinking I have to go home and face them. ''[walks out]'' :''[more officers stop working and drop their badges on the way out]'' :'''Johnson''': You can't do this. Look, you are employees of OCP! Now remember that. ''[another officer drops his badge]'' You're jeopardizing your retirement benefits!! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Zack and the former Cadillac Heights resistance walk aimlessly]'' :'''Moreno''': So what now? :'''Zack''': What now? Game's over, Moreno. Just shut up. :'''Moreno''': What about Bertha's plan? :'''Zack''': ''[angrily]'' Damn it! Bertha's dead!!! ''[calms down]'' I'm sorry... ''[looks at nearby boy and gives him his own cap]'' :''[Everybody looks at several Detroit PD cruisers arriving. The officers get out of the cars, led by Sgt. Reed in body armor]'' :'''Sgt. Warren Reed''': Folks, in about 45 minutes, the Rehabs are coming to blow you out of your neighborhood. I want you to take your kids and anybody who shouldn't be fighting to the basement! The rest of you are hereby deputized by the [[w:Detroit Police Department|Detroit Police Department]]. It's time to show how real cops kick ass! ''[slides shotgun]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[after the battle, Mr Kanemitsu visits Cadillac Heights himself, followed by the OCP CEO]'' :'''OCP CEO''': Kanemitsu-''san'', I realize that it looks bad but maybe our plans were over-ambitious. Let's start a skoshy bit smaller. Let's gentrify this neighborhood. Build strip malls. Fast-food chains. Lots of popular entertainment. What do you think? ''[Mr Kanemitsu says a rapid phrase and walks off. to translator, thinking Kanemitsu agreed with him]'' What's he saying? :'''Mr Kanemitsu's aide''': He said, "You're fired." :''[Kanemitsu presents himself to RoboCop and politely bows to him]'' :'''OCP CEO''': I got to hand it to you. What do they call you? Murphy, is it? :'''RoboCop''': My friends call me Murphy. You can call me... RoboCop. == Cast == * [[w:Robert John Burke|Robert Burke]] - [[w:RoboCop (character)|Alex Murphy / RoboCop]] * [[w:Nancy Allen (actress)|Nancy Allen]] - Anne Lewis * [[w:Remy Ryan|Remy Ryan]] - Nikko Halloran * [[w:Rip Torn|Rip Torn]] - The CEO * [[w:CCH Pounder|CCH Pounder]] - Bertha * [[w:Daniel von Bargen|Daniel von Bargen]] - Moreno * [[w:Mako Iwamatsu|Mako]] - Kanemitsu * [[w:Felton Perry|Felton Perry]] - Donald Johnson * [[w:John Castle|John Castle]] - Paul McDaggett * Bruce Locke - Otomo * [[w:Jill Hennessy|Jill Hennessy]] - Dr. Marie Lazarus * [[w:Robert DoQui|Robert DoQui]] - Sgt. Warren Reed * [[w:Stanley Anderson|Stanley Anderson]] - Zack * [[w:Stephen Root|Stephen Root]] - Coontz == Taglines == * Chaos. Corruption. Civil War. He's back to lay down the law. * He's back. Back online, back on duty. ==External links== {{wikipedia}} *{{imdb title | id=0107978 | title=RoboCop 3}} * {{Amg movie|121763}} {{RoboCop}} [[Category:Action films]] [[Category:Dystopian films]] [[Category:Science fiction films]] [[Category:Technology films]] [[Category:American films]] [[Category:Crime films]] [[Category:Cybernetics in films]] [[Category:Robot films]] [[Category:Films about amnesia]] [[Category:Films about revenge]] [[Category:Splatter films]] [[Category:Films set in Detroit]] htptp2gn34ejoo3gn1x8bs50kksi4vs 0 242829 3153175 3030988 2022-08-10T10:52:18Z 2A02:C7D:F02C:B00:D161:47E5:8CA2:B8DF wikitext text/x-wiki '''Morgan J. Freeman''' is an American director. ==quotes== *I want to live in a country where [[Colin Kaepernick]] is seen as a hero and [[Kyle Rittenhouse]] is seen as a terrorist. **22 November 2020 [https://twitter.com/mjfree/status/1330704667907678208 tweet] == External links == {{Wikipedia}} [[Category:Film directors from the United States]] hmlro7vpowv8sagzeardvklixtk3p3d 4 244106 3153057 3131743 2022-08-10T00:14:32Z Arlo Barnes 269486 /* Dialogue */ missing ' wikitext text/x-wiki <table cellpadding="3" cellspacing="3" align=center style="background-color: #f5f5f5; border: 3px solid purple;"><tr><td>[[File:Ambox humor.svg|60x40px|alt=|link=]] </td><td>'''This page contains '''material that is kept because it is considered [[Humor|humorous]]'''. <br /> Such material is not meant to be taken seriously. </br></td></tr></table> <includeonly>[[Category:Wikiquote official policy|{{PAGENAME}}]]</includeonly> [[File:Adult Quote-tan.png|thumb|Quote-tan is the Wiki-sister mascot of Wikiquote.|alt=Wikiquote-tan commemorates the work of building a libre quotebook with a choice epigram.]] The '''Wiki-sisters''' are three characters designed by [[w:User:Kasuga~enwiki|Kasuga]] to represent three of the [[Wikimedia]] projects: [[w:Wp:Wikipe-tan|Wikipe-tan]] for [[Wikipedia]], Wikiquote-tan for [[Wikiquote]], and Commons-tan for Wikimedia Commons. The other projects have not yet been anthropomorphised by Kasuga or others with any prominence, though a few obscure anthropomorphic versions exist for some projects. == Quotes == [[File:Wiki-sisters.png|thumb|[[Wikipedia]], Wikibooks, [[Wikiquote]], [[Wiktionary]], Wikinews ... I have this awkward feeling that something is missing. — Wikipe-tan|alt=The three sisters with their attributes: Commons-tan with her easel, palette, spiral-bound notepad and paintbrush; Quote-tan with a microphone- and shoulder-strap-equipped portable reel-to-reel audio recorder, and Wikipe-tan with her hands excitedly balled into fists.]] === Dialogue === : '''Wikiquote-tan''' (addressing '''Wikipe-tan'''): It's okay to answer here. Come on, if you don't spit it out I'll put you in a headlock. : '''Commons-tan''': Um... I've been left out and watching this from the sides, but... Isn't this "[[bullying]]"? : '''Wikiquote-tan''': Don't say such silly things!! This isn't bullying, just smothering her with affection, aka "[[doting]]"! : '''Commons-tan''': That's not good either. :* [[:commons:category:%E3%81%84%E3%81%91%E3%81%84%E3%81%91%EF%BC%81%E7%99%BE%E7%A7%91%E4%BA%8B%E5%85%B8%E5%A8%98]] (pages 3 & 4, file annotations) === Wikipe-tan === [[File:Wikipe-tan's past, now and future2.png|thumb|Don't abbreviate as Wiki!]] * Given: Making Wikipedia has helped administrators. Corollary: Making administrators should [[help]] Wikipedia. Therefore: Making me an administrator could help Wikipedia. : Well, there is no User:Self, so you can't self-block. :* [[w:en:user:Xaosflux/Requests_for_adminship/Wikipe-tan|en:user:Xaosflux/Requests_for_adminship/Wikipe-tan]] * Don't abbreviate as Wiki! ** [[w:en:Wikipedia:Don't abbreviate "Wikipedia" as "Wiki"!|en:Wikipedia:Don't abbreviate "Wikipedia" as "Wiki"!]] *l heard Watanabe-san was going to make his own visual novel so that we would have some free images to use on Wikipedia! That's the kind of guy who keeps the [[Internet]] alive, don't you think? **[[:file:Wikipe-tan visual novel (Ren'Py).png|Wikipe-tan visual novel (Ren'Py).png]] * I want YOU to show more Wiki[[Love]]! ** [[:file:Uncle Wikipe-tan.png|Uncle Wikipe-tan.png]] * Wikipedia is awesome! I only have been there for a few days and I love the idea of [[sharing]] all the knowledge in the same [place]... ** [[:file:Wikipe-tan visual novel.png|Wikipe-tan visual novel.png]] * Be [[Tolerance|tolerant]] of [[diversity]]; tolerance is a [[virtue]]. **Chinese Wikipedia catchphrase<ref>[[d:Q7404282#P6251|Moegirlpedia]]</ref> * Make [[W:wp:WikiLove|WikiLove]], not [[war]]. **[[:file:Uncle Wikipe-tan-MakeLoveNotWar.png|Uncle Wikipe-tan-MakeLoveNotWar.png]] * It's simple: Remain [[Neutrality|neutral]]. Don't be a [[Human penis|dick]]. Ignore all [[rules]]. ** [[:file:Wikipe-tan trifecta sign.png|Wikipe-tan trifecta sign.png]] * I’m our [[creepy]] unofficial mascot! ** [[:file:Steven Walling Wikipedia mascots - Ignite Portland 8 - Portland_Oregon.jpg|Steven Walling on Wikipedia mascots at the Ignite Portland 8 conference]] === Wikiquote-tan === * You know, there are often things that we all know but don't know the [[name]] of. ** [[:file:Wikipe-tan manga page1.jpg|Wikipe-tan manga page1.jpg]] ==About== === Quotes about Wikipe-tan === [[file:Jimbo and Wikipe-tan.jpg|thumb|I don't like Wikipe-tan and never have. —[[Jimmy Wales]]]] *[[Pedophilia|Pedophilic]] sexualization of a community mascot? No. **[[Jimmy Wales]], on a [[lolicon]] version of Wikipe-tan<ref>https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?title=Special:Log&type=delete&page=File:LoliWikipetan.jpg</ref> * My removal of the sexualized version from commons was in no way an endorsement of the standard versions. I don't like Wikipe-tan and never have. I recognize that some people do, and I'm not particularly agitated about it, but my name should not be invoked in a way that might lead some to believe that I approve. Thanks! ** Jimmy Wales, Wikipedia talk:Wikipe-tan<ref name="jimbodislikes"> {{cite web |url=http://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Wikipedia_talk:Wikipe-tan&oldid=412515866 |title=I am not a fan |first=Jimbo |last=Wales |authorlink=Jimbo Wales |publisher=Wikipedia |date=February 7, 2011 |accessdate=February 7, 2011 }} </ref> [[Category:articles with no corresponding English Wikipedia article]] [[Category:Works about women]] [[Category:Wikipedia]] [[Category:Anime]] [[Category:Manga]] == References == s2vmouzcs33htdfl764wux0amo3ooyq 0 245320 3153176 3077296 2022-08-10T11:02:14Z Aussiemangafan 2926248 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Phoenix (Australian TV series)|Phoenix]]''''' is an Australian crime drama television series broadcast by the Australian Broadcasting Corporation from 1992 to 1993. It was created by Alison Nisselle and Tony McDonald. ==Series 1== ===''Top Quality Crims'' [1x01]=== :'''Jock Brennan''': Two minutes, two bloody minutes is all it took him. :'''Lochie Renford''': Yeah, He's getting a bit good, isn't he. :'''Jock Brennan''': Yeah, it's too good. It's a bloody embarrassment, a little shithead like Johnny pissing all over us. I'll have him just for that. :'''Lochie Renford''': Oh, now, now, boss. Just 'cause he's an evil guilty snot doesn't mean we can persecute him, you know. :'''Jock Brennan''': Persecute him? I'll do him for the lot. :'''Peter Faithful''': If his mum dosen't get you first. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Superintendent Wallace''': I'm not saying back off. I'm saying we have to cover the ground with a little more delicacy. :'''Jock Brennan''': What the hell does that mean? :'''Superintendent Wallace''': Keep your bloody hands off the Mercers. Unless you're damn sure about your information. :'''Jock Brennan''': Catch 'em but don't upset 'em? That's even bigger bullshit than this. :'''Superintendent Wallace''': I know. But that's my instructions from upstairs. They're concerned we're looking like thugs. :'''Jock Brennan''': He's gone too far, Wal - pinching police guns, two armed hold-up definites, one possible, and Fat Alice crying her black heart out on the telly. It's getting out of hand. :'''Superintendent Wallace''': Tell me about it. Bloody crooks don't know they're crooks anymore. They think they're a goddamn political movement. :'''Jock Brennan''': Then tell the big girls upstairs to piss off. ''[Superintendent Wallace signals "no" to Jock]'' :'''Jock Brennan''': Thank's for the backup, sir. :'''Superintendent Wallace''': Watch your step out there, it's getting tricky. ''[Superintendent Wallace leaves Jock's office, Lochie comes in]'' :'''Lochie Renford''': What he have to say for himself? :'''Jock Brennan''': Nothing he'll own up to. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Superintendent Wallace''': Dave Turner was definitely consorting? :'''Jock Brennan''': Face to face. :'''Superintendent Wallace''': Oh, it's pretty damn slim. :'''Jock Brennan''': Come on, sir. Dave's Johnny Mercer's brother-in-law, for christ's sake. And he just whacked eight grand clean cash into his bank account. :'''Superintendent Wallace''': Oh, I don't know. :'''Lochie Renford''': Where'd he get that sort of money? He's a chippie. :'''Superintendent Wallace''': A chippie with a proper job, betting slips to cover the cash. Never been in one scrap of trouble. :'''Jock Brennan''': Not anymore. :'''Superintendent Wallace''': What did BCI say? :'''Lochie Renford''': Well, the dogs have had him under serveilance for weeks sir. No sign of Johnny, but Fat Alice has dropped in a couple of times. :'''Superintendent Wallace''': Hmm. No law against visiting a daughter. :'''Jock Brennan''': There is if you handing over the proceeds of an armed robbery. Can we hands-on Dave Turner or not? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jock Brennan''': Didn't take him ''[Goose]'' long to squawk. :'''Superintendent Wallace''': He's got reason, continuity of forensic evidence matters when you get into court. :'''Jock Brennan''': Come on, Wal. You're a lawyer. What matters when you get to court is whether the jury likes his face or not. :'''Superintendent Wallace''': That sort of cynicism makes us look like yobbos. :'''Jock Brennan''': They wouldn't trust forensic as far as they could piss, and neither do I. Only a fool trusts what he is not equipped to question. :'''Superintendent Wallace''': Alright. I take your point. He's a bright boy with a hot track record. :'''Jock Brennan''': CSIRO and the Army. :'''Superintendent Wallace''': They're bloody good credentials for us. :'''Jock Brennan''': Not when it's the kind of obnoxious prick that's gonna get right up the jury's nose. :'''Superintendent Wallace''': ''[shrugs]'' Oh, he's settling in. Give him a little headroom. :'''Jock Brennan''': I can't let Forensics lead the investigation. :'''Superintendent Wallace''': I should bloody well hope not. :'''Jock Brennan''': That's what he wants. In first. :'''Superintendent Wallace''': We're not having that. Just make better use of him. Get him in early. Let him run with it. You've got nothing to lose. :'''Jock Brennan''': That's what they said to Lindy Chamberlin. ''[walks into elevator]'' :'''Superintendent Wallace''': That's a bloody cheap shot. Our forensic people had a hand in overturning her conviction. You might like to remember that. :'''Jock Brennan''': He's a metallurgist, not a blood man. And he's 10 years of being good at that, if ever. ''[elevator door closes]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jock Brennan''': I'm disappointed in you. I never thought to see you in here. :'''Dave Turner''': I don't know why I am. :'''Jock Brennan''': I thought you had enough sense to stay away from the family business. :'''Dave Turner''': You know I've got nothing to do with any of that. :'''Jock Brennan''': Well, that's not strictly true, is it, anymore? :'''Dave Turner''': What the fuck could I do? He turned up on the bloody doorstep. I told her I didn't want him there, but it's her house too, you know. :'''Jock Brennan''': I've gotta hand it to you. Most crooks kick off with a few car thefts, the odd burgulary. They work their way up. Not you. You jump straight in the big time. :'''Dave Turner''': What are you talking about? :'''Jock Brennan''': Not many try an armed hold-up as their first offense. :'''Dave Turner''': ''(laughs)'' Oh. Jesus. You gotta be jokin'. :'''Jock Brennan''': No. :'''Dave Turner''': Don't look at me. Ask Johnny's bloody brother about it. :'''Jock Brennan''': I did. STD. Didn't Alice tell you he's in the remand yard in Long Bay? He's been there a couple of months. :'''Dave Turner''': Look, I don't know about any of this. :'''Jock Brennan''': Neither does he. But we both know he's not lying, don't we, Mr. Turner? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jock Brennan''': The silly prick ''[Goose]'' thinks he's got it sewn up. He's got no idea. :'''Superintendent Wallace''': Hasn't he been to court for Homicide yet? :'''Jock Brennan''': Adjourned. :'''Superintendent Wallace''': Oh. I thought they would've broken him in. :'''Jock Brennan''': No. He's a gold-plated virgin that think's it's all true just because he says so. :'''Superintendent Wallace''': Well, you'll have to get him into shape, won't ya? :'''Jock Brennan''': Oh, christ. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ian "Goose" Cochrane''': Ok. We've got fragments of glass, as embedded in the head of the sledgehammer, which has the same chemical comp-. :'''Jock Brennan''': ''[interrupts]'' Hang on - glass stuck in steel? :'''Ian "Goose" Cochrane''': Yeah, and it's got the same chemical composition as... :'''Jock Brennan''': ''[interrupts]'' Look, even if that were possible, can you identify the glass as being the same as that in the factory window? :'''Ian "Goose" Cochrane''': Nope. Of course not. :'''Jock Brennan''': Well, what use is it? The sledgehammer might have easily dropped on a Coke bottle and you could be damn sure that's what he'll say. :'''Ian "Goose" Cochrane''': Now, look - will you listen to me? The glass fragments has the same chemical composition, the same refractive index, the same optical characteristics as the glass from our window. It's toughened glass. :'''Jock Brennan''': What does that mean in plain English? :'''Ian "Goose" Cochrane''': It's not the sort of glass they use in bottles or your average window. :'''Jock Brennan''': What is it used for? :'''Ian "Goose" Cochrane''': Security. It's impact resistant. :'''Carol Cochrane''': In comic-book parlance, bulletproof glass. :'''Jock Brennan''': ''[to Goose]'' Well, why didn't you say so? :'''Carol Cochrane''': ''[to Goose]'' He means explain it for morons, dear. ''[to Jock]'' The jury system being what it is... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jock Brennan''': How'd this ''[letter]'' get in? :'''Peter Faithful''': The courier. :'''Jock Brennan''': That's great. Your divorce papers lobbed on you at work. The last act of revenge. :'''Peter Faithful''': Oh, maybe. Or maybe she just didn't want you to come home at midnight and find him in the letterbox. ===''Christmas in July'' [1x02]=== :'''Superintendent Wallace''': Jesus, Jock. What's the town coming to? :'''Jock Brennan''': Maybe we don't know anymore. Any word from the police surgeon? :'''Superintendent Wallace''': One officer dead. Policewoman critical. There were other injuries. No civillian casualties, thank God. The chief thinks it's terrorists. :'''Jock Brennan''': That's a good a guess as any I've heard tonight. :'''Superintendent Wallace''': It looks like a car bomb. :'''Jock Brennan''': What do you think, Wal? :'''Superintendent Wallace''': You go first. :'''Jock Brennan''': It's not the bloody Masons. :'''Superintendent Wallace''': No. :'''Jock Brennan''': It'll be a payback of some ''[inaudible]''. ''[Jock and Supt. Wallace leave the elevator and begin walking down the corridor]'' :'''Superintendent Wallace''': Put the gun away. I want an open mind on it. :'''Jock Brennan''': That's why you picked me? :'''Superintendent Wallace''': The public will be right onto this one. The press. Kill a cop and they go berserk. No aggrivation, no wrong doors. No stuff-ups. No bloody avalanche of complaints. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jock Brennan''': He's probably out there in a pub somewhere having a bloody beer. :'''Ian "Goose" Cochrane''': I hate 'em, you know. I hate bombers. Remote control killing. :'''Jock Brennan''': Why'd you join the army, then? :'''Ian "Goose" Cochrane''': Oh, I like blowing things up, just not people. Beautiful things, explosives. Raw energy. Concentrated. :'''Jock Brennan''': You're a problem, Goose. :'''Ian "Goose" Cochrane''': Yep, I don't like bombers. ''[takes a sip of beer]'' Soft targets make good receptors. Forensic analyst in Northern Ireland told me that. :'''Jock Brennan''': Well, he wasn't bloody wrong. ''[final line of the episode]'' ===''Hard Ball'' [1x13]=== :'''Lochie Redford''': Oi! D.C.'s on his way down, get those bloody cans out of sight, I'll head him off. ''[Everyone quickly hides their cans of beer, Superintendent Wallace and Deputy Commissioner enter the room]'' :'''Deputy Commissioner''': ''[to Jock]'' Inspector, ''[shakes Jock's hand]'' bloody good job. Excellent result. :'''Jock Brennan''': Thank you sir, they did a good job. ''[pointing to everyone else]'' :'''Deputy Commissioner''': ''[to Everyone]'' The Chief's on his way down to give you a proper wrap, but I just wanted you to know, you've made every copper on the force's day today. ''[to Jock]'' If I can just have a quick word with you? :'''Jock Brennan''': Sir. ''[Jock and the Deputy Commissioner walk to his office while everyone else resume their celebration]'' :'''Deputy Commissioner''': I meant what I just said, Jock, I just want you to know that. :'''Jock Brennan''': I do, sir. :'''Deputy Commissioner''': I hope so, been a torrid investigation. More than the usual quota of complaints. Out of my hands, I'm afraid. IID want to see you first thing Monday morning. :'''Jock Brennan''': I see, sir. ''[the Deputy Commissioner nods at Jock, and walks out of his office]'' :'''Deputy Commissioner''': Ready to go, Wal? ''[the Deputy Commissioner and Superintendent Wallace leave the squad room, Jock walks out of his office and rejoins his team]'' :'''Lochie Redford''': What the hell was that about? :'''Jock Brennan''': Oh, the usual. Well done, and the toe-cutters will see ya monday morning. ''[Everyone laughs, Peter grabs his can of beer]'' :'''Peter Faithful''': WELL THAT'S IT!! THE JOB'S FUCKED!!! ''[final line of the first series]'' ''[Everyone cheers]'' ==Series 2== ===''Victims Forever'' [2x01]=== ''[Peter enters Adrian's office, Adrian hangs up the office phone.]'' :'''Adrian Moon''': ''[inaudable]'' ...coming out of the woodwork. :'''Peter Faithful''': Sorry to drag you out of bed. :'''Adrian Moon''': Not a problem. :'''Peter Faithful''': So where's everyone else? :'''Adrian Moon''': You're looking at them. :'''Peter Faithful''': Well, who's going to follow up the sightings? :'''Adrian Moon''': If there any worthwhile, the uniform boys. :'''Peter Faithful''': I can't rely on them, we might get our first description, we might get a fix on where they're at. Now I believe we need another crew. :'''Adrian Moon''': No can do. :'''Peter Faithful''': Look, they could still be out there driving around in the bloody thing. :'''Adrian Moon''': Too many 'if's and 'could be's. They'd probably just dump it an extra block away. We've found a broken down getaway car yet? Until then, I'm doing what I can. :'''Peter Faithful''': So, what did the DDI say? :'''Adrian Moon''': It's not up to him. :'''Peter Faithful''': No, it's up to the Senior Sergeant to make an reasonable operational decision. :'''Adrian Moon''': I don't care if you think I'm being unreasonable. I'm not going to pull in an off-duty crew, on a long shot. :'''Peter Faithful''': Oh, the last bloke that sat in that chair would've. :'''Adrian Moon''': Well maybe that's why you were shanghaied. :'''Peter Faithful''': Oh, and we wouldn't want that happening to you now, would we? ''[Peter storms out of Adrian's office, Adrian follows suit.]'' :'''Adrian Moon''': Just because you're carrying a load, don't think you can get over that sort of garbage with me. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Superintendent Wallace''': What's the problem? :'''Peter Faithful''': Well sir, I basically need to talk to you about what is happening downstairs. I keep hitting a wall of frustration. I'm getting hampered, I can't get things done. :'''Superintendent Wallace''': Well, what do you mean? :'''Peter Faithful''': Every time I ask him something, he turns me down flat. :'''Superintendent Wallace''': Well, when you say 'he'? :'''Peter Faithful''': The new Senior Sergeant. Look, he is supposed to look out for us, keep us going, not stuff us up just for the sake of it. Now, with respect sir, I don't think that he understands the way that we operate. Now, going by the book may be ok for the SOG. But for Major Crime, you know just as well as I, it doesn't operate that way. :'''Superintendent Wallace''': Don't tell me what I think, Peter. Or I might start reminding you how far out of line you are. :'''Peter Faithful''': I realize that, sir. But I don't have an Inspector, I didn't have a lot of choice. :'''Superintendent Wallace''': The only thing that I can say is that Senior Sergeant Moon is doing his job. :'''Peter Faithful''': Look. but is he right for it? I'm not say that he's a bad bloke. :'''Superintendent Wallace''': I know what you're saying, but I'm telling you he is doing the job that he is told to do. :'''Peter Faithful''': Told to do? :'''Superintendent Wallace''': If you'd stop to think, you might have wondered whether he was simply working on instructions from higher up. :'''Peter Faithful''': But that would go against everything that we've been set up for. :'''Superintendent Wallace''': Times change, Peter. Pull the blinkers off. ===''Deal or Pay'' [2x02]=== :'''Peter Faithful''': Oh, I bet you he enjoyed shitcanning the hell out of us up there. :'''Andrew "Fluff" Saunders''': Wouldn't have to bloody lift fast enough, mate. :'''Adrian Moon''': Oh, who gives a stuff. :'''Andrew "Fluff" Saunders''': We do. Bloody toe-cutters and the majors, Jesus Christ. Hey, you wouldn't have any coin on you, would you Mooney? :'''Adrian Moon''': Yeah, sure. What for? :'''Andrew "Fluff" Saunders''': Phone call, mate. :'''Peter Faithful''': Not gonna ring your wife, are ya? She'll faint. :'''Andrew "Fluff" Saunders''': Nah, gonna ring old Barry's missus, mate. Fuck him. ''[Fluff walks off]'' :'''Adrian Moon''': Well, I'm not gonna stop him. :'''Peter Faithful''': Well, don't look at me. ''[final line of the episode]'' ===''Hit, Shit and Scatter'' [2x13]=== ''[Superintendent Wallace is on the phone in his office, Jock's in the office as well]'' :'''Superintendent Wallace''': We got an ID on him? Yeah, right. Any sign of movement there? Not Yet. Look, keep the leash in and I'll get back to you. ''[hangs up the phone]'' :'''Jock Brennan''': One of their targets? :'''Superintendent Wallace''': The other breaker, Homicide are onto it. :'''Jock Brennan''': Sounds like a reasonable note to close the book on. :'''Superintendent Wallace''': You've gotta be joking. We're not walking from these pricks now? :'''Jock Brennan''': I'd seriously consider it. The Ag Burgs have stopped, the reciever's been charged, one of the breakers is inside, and the other turned up dead. Quit while you're ahead, Wal. :'''Superintendent Wallace''': Ahead? We've got chicken-feed, what about the bastards above them? :'''Jock Brennan''': You've got bugger-all to tie them in. :'''Superintendent Wallace''': I don't agree. :'''Jock Brennan''': Use your head, Wal. It's too late. The team's up to its neck in shit. :'''Superintendent Wallace''': Jesus wept, we keep laying dead under these complaints, we're going nowhere. :'''Jock Brennan''': That's not a line I'd recommend. :'''Superintendent Wallace''': For christ's sake, Jock. You've got your say, use it. :'''Jock Brennan''': You think I haven't? Open your bloody eyes, look at it. Complaints of assault, one woman out a window, allegations of corruption, arresting and charging a juvenile, even allegations of indecent assault on a female. :'''Superintendent Wallace''': So? It's the same old mud it's always been... Or have you forgotten a few things? :'''Jock Brennan''': Don't throw my past up at me, Wally... Times change. :'''Superintendent Wallace''': You're telling me. We used to treat this sort of garbage with the contempt it deserved. :'''Jock Brennan''': That's not on anymore. Be pissing against the wind trying to fight it. :'''Superintendent Wallace''': Yeah, well don't ask me to lay down and play dead. This operation's not over yet. :'''Jock Brennan''': It might as well be. ''[stands up from his chair]'' :'''Superintendent Wallace''': Our D.S. undercover says a contact's still on for the deal. These drugs haven't walked, they're still on the docks. :'''Jock Brennan''': Forget it, it won't help. :'''Superintendent Wallace''': You're gonna stand back and let your own squad go through to the keeper? ''[Jock leaves the room]'' <hr width="50%"/> ''[the Deputy Commissioner in his office with Superintendent Wallace and Jock]'' :'''Deputy Commissioner''': For god's sake, Wally. If anyone would've shown me another way out, don't you think I'd have grabbed it? :'''Superintendent Wallace''': There's not one ounce of provable substance to any of this. :'''Deputy Commissioner''': Or most of it perhaps, but it can't be disproved either. :'''Superintendent Wallace''': All due bloody respect, sir. There's no court in the country that would give the nod to that. :'''Jock Brennan''': It's a media standard, not ours, Wal. :'''Superintendent Wallace''': Who the hell's running us, the media? or the force command? :'''Deputy Commissioner''': You think I like disbanding a squad to shut the pricks up? :'''Superintendent Wallace''': I think it'd be more to the point if we stood up to them, sir. :'''Deputy Commissioner''': What the hell you think we've been doing? It's never been this bad. 14 years of Royal Commissions, didn't leave us wearing as much shit with the public as we're wearing now. :'''Jock Brennan''': What can't be disproved tends to stick, Wal. You know that. :'''Superintendent Wallace''': I can't believe you'd be prepared to do something so bloody immoral. Sacrifice 16 members to keep the media off our back. :'''Deputy Commissioner''': Oh christ, if it were that damn simple, we'd be able to piss it off. It's not. This can't go on. It's totally debilitating to every member on the job. :'''Superintendent Wallace''': Throwing the Majors to the wharfs... :'''Deputy Commissioner''': ''[interrupting]'' They were given ample warning to pull their heads in and stop the flow of complaints. :'''Superintendent Wallace''': Sit on their hands and squawk about the lack of results. :'''Deputy Commissioner''': No I won't have it, Wally. They're not innocent bystanders in this. We even handpicked the officer and Senior Sergeant, and they still won'tquieten down. :'''Superintendent Wallace''': Well, they don't deserve this sort of flogging. :'''Deputy Commissioner''': None of us do. <hr width="50%"/> ''[Murdoch leaves his office and walks towards the squad room corridor]'' :'''Lew Murdoch''': Can I have your attention please? Members of the Major Crime Squad have been requested to remain in the office. The Chief Super's on his way down, he's got an announcement to make. ''[Jock enters the squad room]'' :'''Jock Brennan''': Well I can't say this is something that I'm particularly happy to have to do. You're aware of the current situation, you all know how things have stood for quite some time now. Disbanding a squad's not done lightly, you have been given repeated warnings about the level of complaints, and ample time to settle down and start working within the acceptable limits. You know what the policy is, the "Hit, Shit, and Scatter" way of doing a job's a thing of the past, and anyone who thinks otherwise has just labeled himself a dinosaur. ''[reading from list]'' Andrew Saunders, Arson Squad. Anthony Luciano, Fraud Squad. Russell Howie, Armed Robbery. Wayne Anderson, Drug Squad. Cath Darby, Dealer Squad. Adrian Moon, Prison Liason. Peter Faithful, Public Affairs Division. The rest of you report to the Senior Sergeant at St. Kilda C.I. at 09:00 tomorrow morning. You are to clear your desks before you leave tonight. The Major Crime Squad is officially disbanded as of now. It's a pity it had to come to this, but you brought it on yourselves. <hr width="50%"/> ''[Docket fires his gun at the analog clock in the squad room, briefly frightening everyone in the room]'' :'''Russell Howie''': Jesus... ''[Fluff laughs, Adrian approaches Docket]'' :'''Adrian Moon''': You alright, Docket? :'''Anthony "Docket" Luciano''': I'm just a dinosaur, aren't I? ''[Adrian takes the gun off of Docket]'' :'''Andrew "Fluff" Saunders''': You're just a gun-toting little turd, mate. That's what you are. ''[laughs]'' :'''Peter Faithful''': Well, that's it, I'm going out to get shitfaced! :'''Cath Darby''': Wait for me. :'''Andrew "Fluff" Saunders''': Yeah, I'll come with ya mate, ''[Peter and Fluff put their suit jackets on, everyone begins to leave]'' :'''Andrew "Fluff" Saunders''': ''[coughs]'' I'll tell ya what... ''[to Adrian]'' Mooney, can I cop a lift with you? :'''Adrian Moon''': Yeah sure mate, I've got the squad car. :'''Peter Faithful''': Well, you may as well keep it, Mooney, 'cause there isn't a squad. :'''Andrew "Fluff" Saunders''': Why is that? :'''Peter Faithful''': The job's fucked! ''[final line of the series]'' ''[Fluff laughs]'' ==Cast== ===Main=== * [[w:Paul Sonkkila|Paul Sonkkila]] - Jock Brennan (Main: series 1; Also starring: series 2) * [[w:Sean Scully (actor)|Sean Scully]] - Ian "Goose" Cochrane * [[w:Andy Anderson (Actor)|Andy Anderson]] - Lochie Renford (series 1) * [[w:Peter Cummins|Peter Cummins]] - Superintendent Wallace * [[w:Simon Westaway|Simon Westaway]] - Peter "Noddy" Faithful * [[w:Nell Feeney|Nell Feeney]] - Megan Edwards (series 1) * Susie Edmonds - Carol Cochrane * Tony Poli - Lazarus "Laz" Carides (series 1) * Stuart McCreery - Adrian Moon (series 2) * David Bradshaw - Andrew "Fluff" Saunders (Also starring: series 1; Main: series 2) * Jennifer Jarman-Walker - Cath Darby (series 2) * Vikki Blanche - Chris Faithful (series 2) ===Also starring=== * [[w:Kevin Summers|Kevin Summers]] - Colin Toohey (series 1) * Dominic Sweeney - Wheels (series 1) * George Vidalis - Mick (series 1) * Todd Telford - Dennis (series 1) * Patrick Ward - Blazo (series 1) * Nicholas Politis - Nick (series 1) * [[w:Peter McCauley|Peter McCauley]] - Lew Murdoch (series 2) * [[w:David Roberts (Australian actor)|David Roberts]] - Robert Howie (series 2) * Keith Agius - Anthony "Docket" Luciano (series 2) * Bob Halsall - Boomer (series 2) * Russell Fletcher - Kermie (series 2) * Greg Scealey - Fish (series 2) ==See also== * ''[[Janus (TV series)]]'' [[Category:Australian TV shows]] [[Category:Drama TV shows]] [[Category:Australian Broadcasting Corporation shows]] hek1qf46zubdh3w7t57d2s8ekpdv64v 0 245605 3153137 3079823 2022-08-10T04:45:28Z 162.197.99.132 /* The Doom Funnel Rescue! */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:3-2-1 Penguins!|3-2-1 Penguins!]]''''' is an American [[sci-fi]] computer-animated Christian children's television series that follows the two main kids, Jason and Michelle Conrad, who are spending the summer with their grandmother at their grandparent's cottage in the The Poconos region of Pennsylvania. They're also pulled into a rocket ship of a troop of penguins as they're taken on a galactic adventure. ==Season 1== ===''Trouble on Planet Wait-Your-Turn''=== :''[The Conrad family are driving their way to drop off their kids, Jason and Michelle, at Grandmum's cottage]'' :'''Jason''': ''[as Michelle's doll's shoe hits him on the side of his head]'' Mom, she did it again! :'''Mrs. Conrad''': Michelle, now come on, we're almost there. Apologize to your brother. :'''Michelle''': Sorry, Jason. :'''Mrs. Conrad''': I hope you two don't act this way while you're at Grandmum's. :'''Michelle''': ''[excited]'' Yay, Grandmum's cottage! :'''Jason''': Yay, Grandmum's cottage. You know, Trevor's at Space Camp right now. :'''Mrs. Conrad''': Jason, you'll get to go to Space Camp ''after'' Grandmum's cottage. You're just going to need to be patient. :'''Michelle''': I just love Grandmum's cottage! Are we almost there? :'''Mr. Conrad''': You should know where we are, cupcake, unless you aren't wearing your glasses again. ''[the car pulls up in front of the cottage]'' Hey, hey, hey! We're here! :'''Grandmum''': ''[walks to the car; excited]'' Hello, sweeties! How's my two favorite twin pumpkins? :'''Michelle''': Hi, Grandma! :'''Jason''': Hi, Grandma. :'''Grandmum''': Oh, that's "Grandmum" to you, you little bugs! :'''Mr. Conrad''': Oh, you kids are gonna ''love'' it here. Your grandfather finished this place when I was about your age. :'''Grandmum''': That's right. Built the whole place himself, he did. Quite a man, your granddad. ''[gets a hug from Michelle]'' Oh! Goodness, now, which one are you, then? :'''Michelle''': We're not identical twins, Grandmum. :'''Jason''': Thank goodness. :'''Michelle''': Just remember, ''I'm'' the cute one. :'''Jason''': And I'm the one who's supposed to be at Space Camp. ''[gets out of the car]'' :'''Mrs. Conrad''': Okay, that's everything. I'm afraid we have to run or we'll miss our flight. :'''Mr. Conrad''': Thanks for watching the kids, Mom. Jason and Michelle, we'll call you when we get there. :'''Grandmum''': Have a good trip. And don't you worry about these two, they'll be just fine here. No better place for kids, you know. :'''Mr. Conrad''': That's right. :'''Mrs. Conrad''': Bye-bye, sweethearts, we love you! Be good for your grandmum. :'''Mr. Conrad''': And have fun! :'''Grandmum''': Come on, pumpkins! You can give me a hand with supper. :'''Michelle''': Bye! :'''Mrs. and Mr. Conrad''': Goodbye! :'''Jason''': Goodbye. :''[The car starts pulling away but comes back after a few seconds]'' :'''Mr. Conrad''': Jason, your mom and I know you'd rather be at Space Camp right now, so we got you and Michelle something that might make the time go faster. Now, be sure you take turns with your sister. We'll call you tonight, buddy. <hr width="50%"> :''[The Rockhopper ship comes to life and Jason meets the penguin crew for the first time]'' :'''Zidgel''': Jason T. Conrad. :'''Jason''': Huh? :'''Zidgel''': We need your help! :'''Jason''': You're, you're alive! :'''Midgel''': Of course we are, kid. It's much easier to do our jobs that way. :'''Zidgel''': Get in here, Jason. The galaxy waits for no man! :'''Jason''': What? I can't. I'm too big. :'''Zidgel''': Ah, too big, too big. When I was your size, I was ''twice'' your size. ''[to Fidgel]'' Dr. Fidgel, galeezle him. :'''Fidgel''': Yes, right away. ''[fires the galeezle and a big claw comes out of the ship, grabbing Jason]'' :'''Jason''': Hey! ''[gets pulled into their ship]'' I-I-I can't believe you guys are alive. :'''Zidgel''': Of course we are. :'''Midgel''': Either that or you're daydreaming. :'''Fidgel''': That's true. Sensors indicate that he ''could'' be daydreaming. :'''Midgel''': But no time for small talk now, we've got work to do. :'''Jason''': What about my sister? Is she coming? :'''Zidgel''': Don't worry, she'll get her chance. But right now, ''you're'' the one that we need. ===''The Cheating Scales of Bullamanka''=== :''[Michelle meets the penguin crew for the first time as the Rockhopper roars to life]'' :'''Zidgel''': Michelle Francis Conrad. :'''Michelle''': Uh, Jason? It's for you. :'''Zidgel''': Not so fast! ''You're'' the one we need, this time. :'''Michelle''': Jason's right. You guys ''are'' alive. :'''Midgel''': Either that or you're daydreaming. :'''Zidgel''': Dr. Fidgel, galeezle her. ===''The Amazing Carnival of Complaining''=== ===''Runaway Pride at Lightstation Kilowatt''=== ===''The Doom Funnel Rescue!''=== :''[The mailman drops off mail at Grandmum's cottage and drives away]'' :'''Jason and Michelle''': ''[run out the front door]'' Mail! :'''Jason''': Race ya. :'''Michelle''': Well…okay! ''[runs to the mailbox]'' :'''Jason''': Hey, no fair! Michelle, come on! :'''Michelle''': ''[opens the mailbox]'' What's the matter? It's just the mail. :'''Jason''': Come on, I'm desperate! If I don't hear something from the outside world soon, I'm gonna crack! :'''Michelle''': Well…let's just see what the postman's brought. Could this be for you? Oh no, I guess not. But ooh! Here's an exciting opportunity to refund your home at today's low rate. :'''Jason''': Michelle… :'''Michelle''': You know, it's never too early to start planning for your retirement. :'''Jason''': That does it. Prepare to--rarrr! :'''Michelle''': Hey, Jason! :'''Jason''': Come on, hand it over! :'''Michelle''': Cut it out! :'''Jason''': It's no use resisting. :'''Grandmum''': Goodness, muffins, what's all this? :'''Jason''': Michelle won't let me see the mail. :'''Grandmum''': Now, now, Michelle, what is it the Good Book says? Oh, yes! "Do not withhold good from those who deserve it, when it is in your power to act." I suppose that goes for the mail as well. :'''Michelle''': I was gonna give it to him eventually. :'''Grandmum''': Let's see, bills, bills, some lovely coupons, a card for Michelle, oh! And here's a nice letter for Jason. :'''Jason''': For me? Hey, it's from Trevor! ''[pulls out a photo Trevor on the anti-gravity simulator]'' Look, here's a picture of him on the anti-gravity simulator. :'''Michelle''': Personally, I never understood why a bunch of kids would wait in line just to get nauseous. :'''Grandmum''': Well, come along, bugs. We'll all read our mail over some delicious prune trifle. :'''Jason''': Yeah, here we can get nauseous without the weight. <hr width="50%"> :''[Jason lays on the couch reading Trevor's letter]'' :'''Trevor''': ''[voice-over] And being weightless is so cool. Friday we learned all about space storms. Rocket science is a real blast. Get it? Ha, ha. Hey, remember that day we went to Astroland and rode on the Twister 28 times in a row? Nobody can take centrifugal force like you and me, right? I really wish you were here. Stuff's always more fun when you're around. Well, I gotta go meet John Glenn. Write soon, and tell me all the exciting things you've been doing. Your pal, Trevor.'' :'''Michelle''': Grandmum, the sink's leaking again! :'''Grandmum''': Well, we'll fix it up in a jiffy. Just need to find my supply of duct tape. ''[enters the living room; to Jason, laying on the couch]'' Nice of Trevor to write you, wasn't it? I'm sure he misses you a lot. :'''Jason''': Yeah, I can tell. :'''Grandmum''': You should write him back right away. I'll bet he'd love hearing from you. You can tell him all about what you've been doing. :'''Michelle''': ''[coming down the stairs]'' Good idea! There was that one paperclip chain you made, and helping Grandmum put on her hair net, and that awful morning we, uh, ran out of toast. :'''Grandmum''': Woah, don't like to think about that too much. :'''Jason''': ''[sits up and gets off the couch]'' Well, I'm sure Trevor is having too much fun to bother reading any letter from me. :'''Grandmum''': You know, love, he might be a little homesick. Hearing from you could be just what the doctor ordered. :'''Jason''': Yeah, I think I'll just go upstairs. :'''Grandmum''': I'm sure you'll do the right thing, dear. <hr width="50%"> :'''Fidgel''': We are headed for Space Colony Doublewide. It's interstellar cyclonic doom funnel season there. And our cargo is their supply of emergency duct tape. :'''Jason''': Emergency duct tape? :'''Fidgel''': Yes, it's for lashing space colony modules together. Otherwise, they slip their moorings, and those fragile trailers bash each other in the high winds, until they're splintered into smithereens. If we don't get it there in time, the entire population is done for! <hr width="50%"> :'''Midgel''': ''[checks the fuel gauge, noticing the ship's fuel is nearly empty]'' Empty. We're running on fumes. You told me you prepared everything for the mission! :'''Zidgel''': Of course! And here it is! Styling gel, mousse, conditioner. :'''Midgel''': But what about gas? You said you got gas. :'''Zidgel''': And I did! But I'm feeling much better now, thank you. :'''Midgel''': ''[angrily snapping]'' I meant rocket fuel! :'''Zidgel''': Oh. :'''Jason''': Uh, guys, wouldn't it be a good idea to get some more fuel quick before we ''totally'' run out? <hr width="50%"> :'''Jason''': What's that? :'''Kevin''': Not sure really, I got it free with my Prune Trifle burrito. :'''Jason''': ''[reading]'' "B-I-N-G, Beneficial Imprinting Neuralnet Gizmo." :'''Kevin''': B.I.N.G. :'''Jason''': Look, here's the button to start it. ''[presses a button on the back and a flashbulb pops out, flashing Kevin as he covers his eyes]'' Hey, you guys, check this out. :'''Fidgel''': Most interesting. I believe that B.I.N.G. has somehow imprinted on Kevin's behavior, like a newborn duckling does with the first creature it sees. <hr width="50%"> :'''Kevin''': Goodbye, B.I.N.G. I won't forget you. :'''Zidgel''': Did I miss something? Seems to me we're down one robot in the deal. :'''Jason''': Kevin just realized that it was wrong to keep B.I.N.G. to himself when he had a chance to do good for the professor and the whole colony. "Do not withhold good from those who deserve it, when it is in your power to act." <hr width="50%"> :'''Jason''': ''[writing a letter to Trevor; voice-over]'' And just today, I found this really excellent mouse named Preston. Well, guess that's about it. Glad you're having a great summer, too. As someone I know once said, "Ain't nothing like a best friend." Oh, in case you're a little homesick, here's something to help cheer you up. Maybe next year, we can try to break our record on that coaster. Signed, your best bud, Jason. <hr width="50%"> :''[Jason and Michelle say their prayers before going to bed]'' :'''Jason and Michelle''': Dear God… :'''Michelle''': Please bless Grandmum and keep Mom and Dad safe on their trip. :'''Jason''': And thank you for teaching me the importance of doing good things for people whenever I have the chance. And please watch over Preston. He's a really great mouse. :'''Michelle''': Even if he did eat the bridal bouquet. :'''Jason and Michelle''': Amen. ===''Moon Menace on Planet Tell-a-Lie!''=== :'''Grandmum''': Like the Good Book says, "Lies will get any man into trouble, but honesty is its own defense." ==Season 2== ===''I Scream, You Scream!''=== :'''Admiral Strap''': Penguins! Come in, penguins! :'''Zidgel''': Admiral Strap, sir! ''[salutes]'' :'''Michelle''': Uh, who's that? :'''Fidgel''': That's Admiral Strap. Our commander at Federation HQ. <hr width="50%"> :''[The Rockhopper arrives at Grandmum's cottage in the attic, sending Jason and Michelle back]'' :'''Zigel''': Well, until next time, cadets! :'''Midgel''': G'bye, mates! :'''Jason and Michelle''': Goodbye! :''[As Fidgel fires the galeezle, the claw pops out and falls on the floor, covered in gum]'' :'''Michelle''': Oh no, what happened? :'''Jason''': What happened?! Can't you see? The thing's broken! :'''Michelle''': How? :'''Fidgel''': ''[examines the gum]'' Hmm…corn syrup, soy lecithin, and titanium dioxide, if I'm not very much mistaken. A construct otherwise known as… :'''Jason''': Hubby chubby bubble gum! Oh no! ''[points angrily at Michelle]'' It was ''you!'' You must have spit it out when the galeezel pulled us in! :'''Michelle''': I wasn't the only one with hubby chubby! You were chewing it too! :'''Jason''': I swallowed mine! :'''Michelle''': Well, I didn't do it! You must have done it! :'''Jason''': I didn't do it! ''You'' did! :'''Michelle''': No, ''you'' did! :'''Zidgel''': Ah, ah! Temper, temper. Here we go, accusing each other again! Remember what old Sol told us: not smart without all the facts. :'''Jason''': Well, the fact ''is'' we aren't going to be able to get back to Grandmum's and it's all Michelle's fault! :'''Michelle''': Can you fix it, Fidgel? :'''Fidgel''': Well, um…it's not…Well, I can try. :'''Jason''': "Try?!" Oh no! We're going to stay this size? I'm only as big as my little finger! :'''Michelle''': Can you make it work again? :'''Fidgel''': ''[pulls out a small, burned out device covered in gum]'' This is what makes it work. The metric magnetic matter disperser. The only one in existence as far as I know! Without this, the galeezle is useless! I fear the bubble gum has burnt it out. <hr width="50%"> :'''Fidgel''': Jason, Michelle, would you like a sandwich? :'''Jason''': No. I just want Grandmum's cocoa. :'''Michelle''': I thought you weren't talking to me. :'''Jason''': I ''wasn't'' talking to you, you galeezle breaker! :'''Michelle''': I didn't break it. ''You'' did! Your gum must've come out when you were screaming like a baby. :'''Jason''': Screaming like a baby?! :'''Michelle''': Yes, you always scream like a baby when galeezled into the ship! :'''Zidge''': ''[angrily enters the main room after taking a shower with his hair all droopy]'' KEVIN! YOU'VE BEEN INTO MY SHAMPOO AGAIN! :'''Midgel''': Calm down, captain. :'''Zidgel''': Calm down? Calm down?! Listen to me! "Ridiculous proportions shampoo" is shampoo! Do you hear me? ''Shampoo!'' But you always use it as a body wash! A ''body wash!'' Do you know how much ''body'' you have to wash?! :'''Midgel''': Now wait just a minute, captain. Didn't you say earlier that we shouldn't be too quick to accuse each other? ''[gasps as he sees his poster lying in the table]'' Doc! Doc! What have you done to my poster?! :'''Fidgel''': I--I just needed something to protect the table. :'''Midgel''': Do you know how much this is worth?! It was from the last tour of the Boomerangutans! :'''Fidgel''': ''[miffed]'' Well, if you wouldn't leave your quarters in such a mess, how am I to know what's rare and what's rubbish? :''[As the penguins argue with each other, Jason and Michelle cover their ears]'' :'''Jason''': Nice going, Michelle! :'''Michelle''': What?! Now you're blaming ''me'' for this?! :'''Jason''': We wouldn't even ''be'' here if you hadn't broken the galeezle! ===''The Green-eyed Monster''=== ===''Lazy Daze''=== :''[The Rockhopper pulls up at the Comet Lounge]'' :'''Zidgel''': Captain's blog, we're going on a picnic. :'''Michelle''': So, what are we doing here? :'''Midgel''': Had to stop off for some supplies, first. Soda pop, sandwiches, you know. :'''Fidgel''': Don't forget the chocolate bars and marshmallows! :'''Jason''': Oh, great! I love eating s'mores! :'''Fidgel''': Eating? Oh no, I need them for a new fuel experiment. :'''Midgel''': Now don't take all day with your science project stuff, Doctor. We're here to get in, get supplies, and get out. No nonsense. :'''Fidgel''': I assure you, my experiments are not nonsense. :'''Midgel''': What about the time you tried to make glass invisible so you can see through it? :'''Fidgel''': Well, it worked, didn't it? <hr width="50%"> :'''Jason''': What's wrong with being lazy? :'''Sol''': Well, just think, if I didn't work around here, nobody would get served, dirty dishes would pile up. Pretty soon the whole place would stink! :'''Michelle''': Like Jason's room! :'''Sol''': ''[chuckles]'' Old Sol says, "The lazy person wants many things, but has nothing; but the person who is diligent and hardworking truly has it all." You want to be diligent, right, kids? :'''Jason''': Actually, the picnic sounds more fun. :'''Sol''': ''[laughs]'' I'm sure it does. You just keep an eye on those ants, you hear? :'''Jason''': We will. Is it just me, or is he weird? <hr width="50%"> :'''Fidgel''': ''[opens the storage bay, finding it a huge mess inside]'' Oh, dear me. :'''Midgel''': What's got your knickers in a knot, doc? :'''Fidgel''': Well, I'm scheduled to run a diagnostic test on the Harryhausen ray, but it's in the back of this storage bay, and I can't get to it. :'''Midgel''': Harryhausen ray? What's that? :'''Fidgel''': Oh, it's simply a device that halts movement on a molecular level. :'''Midgel''': ''[not understanding]'' In the Queen's English, Fidge. :'''Fidgel''': Yes. It stops action, freezes things in time and space. :'''Midgel''': Classic. But it looks like you could use some help. :'''Fidgel''': Oh, why thank you. :'''Midgel''': If I see anyone available, I'll send 'em round. :'''Fidgel''': ''[enters Jason's room, finding Jason lying on his bed]'' Hello, Jason. I hear you're looking to earn some extra money for sea chimps? :'''Jason''': Yeah! :'''Fidgel''': Well, the storage bay is in a bit of a mess. What say I hire you to clean it? :'''Jason''': Hire? You mean like a job? I'm kinda busy. Maybe later. Uh, doc? Turn the page for me. I can't reach. ===''More Is More''=== ===''Give and Let Give''=== :'''Jason''': ''[enters Michelle's room as he follows the smelling scent and spots a cupcake on the table, but as he tries to take it, Michelle snatches it from him]'' Let me have a cupcake. I'll tell Grandmum you've learned your lesson when we get back. :'''Michelle''': No. ''I'' made them, I say who gets one. :'''Jason''': You won't give me one because you're still mad about play-ser tag. ''[holds up the toy set of said game]'' :'''Michelle''': Yeah, it was no fair. I was sick of being it. :'''Jason''': ''[puts on the play-ser shield]'' At least I shared with you. :'''Michelle''': You gave me the broken one. :'''Jason''': This one? It's a new invention. Fidgel even said it didn't work right. ''turns on the device and a straight and spiral beam fires and goes around the room until it reaches him]'' :'''Michelle''': No, thanks, that thing is a play-ser tag magnet. Wherever I hid in the room, that beam would find me. I was it the whole time! :'''Jason''': Fine, but it's not ''my'' fault it doesn't work. Keep your stale old cupcakes. ''[leaves the room in a huff]'' ===''Practical Hoax''=== ===''Comedy of Errors''=== ===''Compassion Crashin'''=== ===''Wiki Tiki''=== :'''Grandmum''': Michelle, is this the way I've taught you to rinse the dishes? :'''Michelle''': ''[sees the sink overflowing; alarmed]'' Oh no! ''[quickly turns it off and places a towel on the wet floor]'' :'''Grandmum''': And, Jason, you didn't replace the plastic liner in this trash can. :'''Jason''': Sorry, Grandmum, I'll go get it right now. :'''Michelle''': I guess I was in too big a hurry. I'm sorry. :'''Grandmum''': Remember what the Good Book says, "Enthusiasm without knowledge is ''no'' good. Haste makes mistakes." :'''Jason''': Is that a real proverb? :'''Grandmum''': It jolly well is. Take the time to listen and do it right the first time. :'''Jason''': Like the trash liner. I'm on it. :'''Grandmum''': You'll just make a mess if you rush. <hr width="50%"> :'''Jason''': Now where's that spaceship? It was right here! :'''Michelle''': Jason, you heard Grandmum. We got to put the clean sheets on our beds. :'''Jason''': I did. :'''Michelle''': Jason. :'''Jason''': It's fine. I'll make the bed later. ''[Midgel galeezles both him and Michelle into the ship]'' Whoa, definitely later. :'''Michelle''': Hey, thanks, Midgel. Where is everybody? :'''Midgel''': Sorry, Michelle, no time for chit chat, we got to get going. ''[The kids are strapped to their seats and buckle up]'' The others are at the Comet Lounge making sure Sol doesn't run out of the afternoon special. :'''Jason and Michelle''': Sol's Aurora Borealis fruit punch! :'''Jason''': What are we waiting for?! :'''Jason, Michelle, and Midgel''': BONSAI! <hr width="50%"> :''[The Rockhopper arrives at the Comet Lounge and Jason, Michelle, and Midgel enter where the rest of the crew are already there]'' :'''Midgel''': Where's the aurora borealis punch? :'''Fidgel''': Sol hasn't lit the sign, yet. :'''Midgel''': Whew. I'd hate to miss the aurora borealis. Best fruit punch in the galaxy. :'''Fidgel''': Hey, I was in line first. :'''Zidgel''': Captains first, then everyone else. <hr width="50%"> :'''Jason''': You were right, Michelle. We didn't take our time and we made mistakes. :'''Michelle''': Captain Zidgel? Jason and I have realized something. :'''Zidgel''': Can't stop it. Tried everything. :'''Jason''': Captain, we ''have'' tried everything, except listening. :'''Zidgel''': Listening? What do you mean? :'''Michelle''': Grandmum told us, enthusiasm without knowledge is no good. :'''Jason''': And haste makes mistakes. :'''Zidgel''': Translated, means…is this a tongue twister? :'''Fidgel''': Wait, I think I know. Rushing to do things in your own enthusiasm instead of taking time to understand and think causes problems. :'''Midgel''': Cuz you'll just make a mess if you hurry. :'''Kevin''': Yeah, big mess. :'''Jason''': Right, we've been in such a hurry to get back to the Comet Lounge for Sol's aurora borealis fruit punch-- :'''Michelle''': That we've been running with the first ideas that popped into our heads. Nobody listened to the tiki king. ===''Invasion of the Body Swappers!''=== :'''Midgel''': Hey, Mish, everything all right? :'''Michelle''': Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. Midgel, do you, do you think I'm pretty? :'''Midgel''': What? ''[nervously laughs]'' Well, to tell you the truth, Michelle, I really don't know much about that sort of thing. To me, the prettiest thing in the world is the Rockhopper. She's a beaut, she is. :'''Fidgel''': ''[tweaking the galeezle as Michelle enters the main room]'' Oh, hello, dear. I've been tweaking the galeezle device. Would you like to help me? :'''Michelle''': Fidgel, do you think I'm pretty? :'''Fidgel''': Pretty? Uh, well, pretty is as pretty does, as my mom always used to say. ''[pulls out a photo of his mother]'' Ah, Mum was the prettiest woman in the world. ===''Git Along Little Doggies!''=== ===''Wise Guys''=== :'''Jason''': No, that was not my fault. It was the lousy time machine. It didn't even work! :'''Michelle''': Or maybe you didn't listen to any advice! ===''Hogs and Kisses''=== ==Season 3== ===''12 Angry Hens''=== ===''Kennel Club Blues''=== ===''Oh, Mercy!''=== ===''Promises, Promises, Promises''=== ===''Do Unto Brothers''=== ===''Between an Asteroid and a Hard Place''=== ===''In the Big House''=== == External links == {{wikipedia}} [[Category:American children's animated space adventure TV shows]] [[Category:TV shows about penguins]] 82utcg4uge5xvrvmx0ic16nkg1tjikt 3153138 3153137 2022-08-10T04:47:36Z 162.197.99.132 /* The Doom Funnel Rescue! */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:3-2-1 Penguins!|3-2-1 Penguins!]]''''' is an American [[sci-fi]] computer-animated Christian children's television series that follows the two main kids, Jason and Michelle Conrad, who are spending the summer with their grandmother at their grandparent's cottage in the The Poconos region of Pennsylvania. They're also pulled into a rocket ship of a troop of penguins as they're taken on a galactic adventure. ==Season 1== ===''Trouble on Planet Wait-Your-Turn''=== :''[The Conrad family are driving their way to drop off their kids, Jason and Michelle, at Grandmum's cottage]'' :'''Jason''': ''[as Michelle's doll's shoe hits him on the side of his head]'' Mom, she did it again! :'''Mrs. Conrad''': Michelle, now come on, we're almost there. Apologize to your brother. :'''Michelle''': Sorry, Jason. :'''Mrs. Conrad''': I hope you two don't act this way while you're at Grandmum's. :'''Michelle''': ''[excited]'' Yay, Grandmum's cottage! :'''Jason''': Yay, Grandmum's cottage. You know, Trevor's at Space Camp right now. :'''Mrs. Conrad''': Jason, you'll get to go to Space Camp ''after'' Grandmum's cottage. You're just going to need to be patient. :'''Michelle''': I just love Grandmum's cottage! Are we almost there? :'''Mr. Conrad''': You should know where we are, cupcake, unless you aren't wearing your glasses again. ''[the car pulls up in front of the cottage]'' Hey, hey, hey! We're here! :'''Grandmum''': ''[walks to the car; excited]'' Hello, sweeties! How's my two favorite twin pumpkins? :'''Michelle''': Hi, Grandma! :'''Jason''': Hi, Grandma. :'''Grandmum''': Oh, that's "Grandmum" to you, you little bugs! :'''Mr. Conrad''': Oh, you kids are gonna ''love'' it here. Your grandfather finished this place when I was about your age. :'''Grandmum''': That's right. Built the whole place himself, he did. Quite a man, your granddad. ''[gets a hug from Michelle]'' Oh! Goodness, now, which one are you, then? :'''Michelle''': We're not identical twins, Grandmum. :'''Jason''': Thank goodness. :'''Michelle''': Just remember, ''I'm'' the cute one. :'''Jason''': And I'm the one who's supposed to be at Space Camp. ''[gets out of the car]'' :'''Mrs. Conrad''': Okay, that's everything. I'm afraid we have to run or we'll miss our flight. :'''Mr. Conrad''': Thanks for watching the kids, Mom. Jason and Michelle, we'll call you when we get there. :'''Grandmum''': Have a good trip. And don't you worry about these two, they'll be just fine here. No better place for kids, you know. :'''Mr. Conrad''': That's right. :'''Mrs. Conrad''': Bye-bye, sweethearts, we love you! Be good for your grandmum. :'''Mr. Conrad''': And have fun! :'''Grandmum''': Come on, pumpkins! You can give me a hand with supper. :'''Michelle''': Bye! :'''Mrs. and Mr. Conrad''': Goodbye! :'''Jason''': Goodbye. :''[The car starts pulling away but comes back after a few seconds]'' :'''Mr. Conrad''': Jason, your mom and I know you'd rather be at Space Camp right now, so we got you and Michelle something that might make the time go faster. Now, be sure you take turns with your sister. We'll call you tonight, buddy. <hr width="50%"> :''[The Rockhopper ship comes to life and Jason meets the penguin crew for the first time]'' :'''Zidgel''': Jason T. Conrad. :'''Jason''': Huh? :'''Zidgel''': We need your help! :'''Jason''': You're, you're alive! :'''Midgel''': Of course we are, kid. It's much easier to do our jobs that way. :'''Zidgel''': Get in here, Jason. The galaxy waits for no man! :'''Jason''': What? I can't. I'm too big. :'''Zidgel''': Ah, too big, too big. When I was your size, I was ''twice'' your size. ''[to Fidgel]'' Dr. Fidgel, galeezle him. :'''Fidgel''': Yes, right away. ''[fires the galeezle and a big claw comes out of the ship, grabbing Jason]'' :'''Jason''': Hey! ''[gets pulled into their ship]'' I-I-I can't believe you guys are alive. :'''Zidgel''': Of course we are. :'''Midgel''': Either that or you're daydreaming. :'''Fidgel''': That's true. Sensors indicate that he ''could'' be daydreaming. :'''Midgel''': But no time for small talk now, we've got work to do. :'''Jason''': What about my sister? Is she coming? :'''Zidgel''': Don't worry, she'll get her chance. But right now, ''you're'' the one that we need. ===''The Cheating Scales of Bullamanka''=== :''[Michelle meets the penguin crew for the first time as the Rockhopper roars to life]'' :'''Zidgel''': Michelle Francis Conrad. :'''Michelle''': Uh, Jason? It's for you. :'''Zidgel''': Not so fast! ''You're'' the one we need, this time. :'''Michelle''': Jason's right. You guys ''are'' alive. :'''Midgel''': Either that or you're daydreaming. :'''Zidgel''': Dr. Fidgel, galeezle her. ===''The Amazing Carnival of Complaining''=== ===''Runaway Pride at Lightstation Kilowatt''=== ===''The Doom Funnel Rescue!''=== :''[The mailman drops off mail at Grandmum's cottage and drives away]'' :'''Jason and Michelle''': ''[run out the front door]'' Mail! :'''Jason''': Race ya. :'''Michelle''': Well…okay! ''[runs to the mailbox]'' :'''Jason''': Hey, no fair! Michelle, come on! :'''Michelle''': ''[opens the mailbox]'' What's the matter? It's just the mail. :'''Jason''': Come on, I'm desperate! If I don't hear something from the outside world soon, I'm gonna crack! :'''Michelle''': Well…let's just see what the postman's brought. Could this be for you? Oh no, I guess not. But ooh! Here's an exciting opportunity to refund your home at today's low rate. :'''Jason''': Michelle… :'''Michelle''': You know, it's never too early to start planning for your retirement. :'''Jason''': That does it. Prepare to--rarrr! :'''Michelle''': Hey, Jason! :'''Jason''': Come on, hand it over! :'''Michelle''': Cut it out! :'''Jason''': It's no use resisting. :'''Grandmum''': Goodness, muffins, what's all this? :'''Jason''': Michelle won't let me see the mail. :'''Grandmum''': Now, now, Michelle, what is it the Good Book says? Oh, yes! "Do not withhold good from those who deserve it, when it is in your power to act." I suppose that goes for the mail as well. :'''Michelle''': I was gonna give it to him eventually. :'''Grandmum''': Let's see, bills, bills, some lovely coupons, a card for Michelle, oh! And here's a nice letter for Jason. :'''Jason''': For me? Hey, it's from Trevor! ''[pulls out a photo Trevor on the anti-gravity simulator]'' Look, here's a picture of him on the anti-gravity simulator. :'''Michelle''': Personally, I never understood why a bunch of kids would wait in line just to get nauseous. :'''Grandmum''': Well, come along, bugs. We'll all read our mail over some delicious prune trifle. :'''Jason''': Yeah, here we can get nauseous without the weight. <hr width="50%"> :''[Jason lays on the couch reading Trevor's letter]'' :'''Trevor''': ''[voice-over] And being weightless is so cool. Friday we learned all about space storms. Rocket science is a real blast. Get it? Ha, ha. Hey, remember that day we went to Astroland and rode on the Twister 28 times in a row? Nobody can take centrifugal force like you and me, right? I really wish you were here. Stuff's always more fun when you're around. Well, I gotta go meet John Glenn. Write soon, and tell me all the exciting things you've been doing. Your pal, Trevor.'' :'''Michelle''': Grandmum, the sink's leaking again! :'''Grandmum''': Well, we'll fix it up in a jiffy. Just need to find my supply of duct tape. ''[enters the living room; to Jason, laying on the couch]'' Nice of Trevor to write you, wasn't it? I'm sure he misses you a lot. :'''Jason''': Yeah, I can tell. :'''Grandmum''': You should write him back right away. I'll bet he'd love hearing from you. You can tell him all about what you've been doing. :'''Michelle''': ''[coming down the stairs]'' Good idea! There was that one paperclip chain you made, and helping Grandmum put on her hair net, and that awful morning we, uh, ran out of toast. :'''Grandmum''': Woah, don't like to think about that too much. :'''Jason''': ''[sits up and gets off the couch]'' Well, I'm sure Trevor is having too much fun to bother reading any letter from me. :'''Grandmum''': You know, love, he might be a little homesick. Hearing from you could be just what the doctor ordered. :'''Jason''': Yeah, I think I'll just go upstairs. :'''Grandmum''': I'm sure you'll do the right thing, dear. <hr width="50%"> :'''Fidgel''': We are headed for Space Colony Doublewide. It's interstellar cyclonic doom funnel season there. And our cargo is their supply of emergency duct tape. :'''Jason''': Emergency duct tape? :'''Fidgel''': Yes, it's for lashing space colony modules together. Otherwise, they slip their moorings, and those fragile trailers bash each other in the high winds, until they're splintered into smithereens. If we don't get it there in time, the entire population is done for! <hr width="50%"> :'''Midgel''': ''[checks the fuel gauge, noticing the ship's fuel is nearly empty]'' Empty. We're running on fumes. You told me you prepared everything for the mission! :'''Zidgel''': Of course! And here it is! Styling gel, mousse, conditioner. :'''Midgel''': But what about gas? You said you got gas. :'''Zidgel''': And I did! But I'm feeling much better now, thank you. :'''Midgel''': ''[angrily snapping]'' I meant rocket fuel! :'''Zidgel''': Oh. :'''Jason''': Uh, guys, wouldn't it be a good idea to get some more fuel quick before we ''totally'' run out? <hr width="50%"> :'''Jason''': What's that? :'''Kevin''': Not sure really, I got it free with my Prune Trifle burrito. :'''Jason''': ''[reading]'' "B-I-N-G, Beneficial Imprinting Neuralnet Gizmo." :'''Kevin''': B.I.N.G. :'''Jason''': Look, here's the button to start it. ''[presses a button on the back and a flashbulb pops out, flashing Kevin as he covers his eyes]'' Hey, you guys, check this out. :'''Fidgel''': Most interesting. I believe that B.I.N.G. has somehow imprinted on Kevin's behavior, like a newborn duckling does with the first creature it sees. <hr width="50%"> :'''Kevin''': Goodbye, B.I.N.G. I won't forget you. :'''Zidgel''': Did I miss something? Seems to me we're down one robot in the deal. :'''Jason''': Kevin just realized that it was wrong to keep B.I.N.G. to himself when he had a chance to do good for the professor and the whole colony. "Do not withhold good from those who deserve it, when it is in your power to act." <hr width="50%"> :'''Jason''': ''[writing a letter to Trevor; voice-over] And just today, I found this really excellent mouse named Preston. Well, guess that's about it. Glad you're having a great summer, too. As someone I know once said, "Ain't nothing like a best friend." Oh, in case you're a little homesick, here's something to help cheer you up. Maybe next year, we can try to break our record on that coaster. Signed, your best bud, Jason.'' <hr width="50%"> :''[Jason and Michelle say their prayers before going to bed]'' :'''Jason and Michelle''': Dear God… :'''Michelle''': Please bless Grandmum and keep Mom and Dad safe on their trip. :'''Jason''': And thank you for teaching me the importance of doing good things for people whenever I have the chance. And please watch over Preston. He's a really great mouse. :'''Michelle''': Even if he did eat the bridal bouquet. :'''Jason and Michelle''': Amen. ===''Moon Menace on Planet Tell-a-Lie!''=== :'''Grandmum''': Like the Good Book says, "Lies will get any man into trouble, but honesty is its own defense." ==Season 2== ===''I Scream, You Scream!''=== :'''Admiral Strap''': Penguins! Come in, penguins! :'''Zidgel''': Admiral Strap, sir! ''[salutes]'' :'''Michelle''': Uh, who's that? :'''Fidgel''': That's Admiral Strap. Our commander at Federation HQ. <hr width="50%"> :''[The Rockhopper arrives at Grandmum's cottage in the attic, sending Jason and Michelle back]'' :'''Zigel''': Well, until next time, cadets! :'''Midgel''': G'bye, mates! :'''Jason and Michelle''': Goodbye! :''[As Fidgel fires the galeezle, the claw pops out and falls on the floor, covered in gum]'' :'''Michelle''': Oh no, what happened? :'''Jason''': What happened?! Can't you see? The thing's broken! :'''Michelle''': How? :'''Fidgel''': ''[examines the gum]'' Hmm…corn syrup, soy lecithin, and titanium dioxide, if I'm not very much mistaken. A construct otherwise known as… :'''Jason''': Hubby chubby bubble gum! Oh no! ''[points angrily at Michelle]'' It was ''you!'' You must have spit it out when the galeezel pulled us in! :'''Michelle''': I wasn't the only one with hubby chubby! You were chewing it too! :'''Jason''': I swallowed mine! :'''Michelle''': Well, I didn't do it! You must have done it! :'''Jason''': I didn't do it! ''You'' did! :'''Michelle''': No, ''you'' did! :'''Zidgel''': Ah, ah! Temper, temper. Here we go, accusing each other again! Remember what old Sol told us: not smart without all the facts. :'''Jason''': Well, the fact ''is'' we aren't going to be able to get back to Grandmum's and it's all Michelle's fault! :'''Michelle''': Can you fix it, Fidgel? :'''Fidgel''': Well, um…it's not…Well, I can try. :'''Jason''': "Try?!" Oh no! We're going to stay this size? I'm only as big as my little finger! :'''Michelle''': Can you make it work again? :'''Fidgel''': ''[pulls out a small, burned out device covered in gum]'' This is what makes it work. The metric magnetic matter disperser. The only one in existence as far as I know! Without this, the galeezle is useless! I fear the bubble gum has burnt it out. <hr width="50%"> :'''Fidgel''': Jason, Michelle, would you like a sandwich? :'''Jason''': No. I just want Grandmum's cocoa. :'''Michelle''': I thought you weren't talking to me. :'''Jason''': I ''wasn't'' talking to you, you galeezle breaker! :'''Michelle''': I didn't break it. ''You'' did! Your gum must've come out when you were screaming like a baby. :'''Jason''': Screaming like a baby?! :'''Michelle''': Yes, you always scream like a baby when galeezled into the ship! :'''Zidge''': ''[angrily enters the main room after taking a shower with his hair all droopy]'' KEVIN! YOU'VE BEEN INTO MY SHAMPOO AGAIN! :'''Midgel''': Calm down, captain. :'''Zidgel''': Calm down? Calm down?! Listen to me! "Ridiculous proportions shampoo" is shampoo! Do you hear me? ''Shampoo!'' But you always use it as a body wash! A ''body wash!'' Do you know how much ''body'' you have to wash?! :'''Midgel''': Now wait just a minute, captain. Didn't you say earlier that we shouldn't be too quick to accuse each other? ''[gasps as he sees his poster lying in the table]'' Doc! Doc! What have you done to my poster?! :'''Fidgel''': I--I just needed something to protect the table. :'''Midgel''': Do you know how much this is worth?! It was from the last tour of the Boomerangutans! :'''Fidgel''': ''[miffed]'' Well, if you wouldn't leave your quarters in such a mess, how am I to know what's rare and what's rubbish? :''[As the penguins argue with each other, Jason and Michelle cover their ears]'' :'''Jason''': Nice going, Michelle! :'''Michelle''': What?! Now you're blaming ''me'' for this?! :'''Jason''': We wouldn't even ''be'' here if you hadn't broken the galeezle! ===''The Green-eyed Monster''=== ===''Lazy Daze''=== :''[The Rockhopper pulls up at the Comet Lounge]'' :'''Zidgel''': Captain's blog, we're going on a picnic. :'''Michelle''': So, what are we doing here? :'''Midgel''': Had to stop off for some supplies, first. Soda pop, sandwiches, you know. :'''Fidgel''': Don't forget the chocolate bars and marshmallows! :'''Jason''': Oh, great! I love eating s'mores! :'''Fidgel''': Eating? Oh no, I need them for a new fuel experiment. :'''Midgel''': Now don't take all day with your science project stuff, Doctor. We're here to get in, get supplies, and get out. No nonsense. :'''Fidgel''': I assure you, my experiments are not nonsense. :'''Midgel''': What about the time you tried to make glass invisible so you can see through it? :'''Fidgel''': Well, it worked, didn't it? <hr width="50%"> :'''Jason''': What's wrong with being lazy? :'''Sol''': Well, just think, if I didn't work around here, nobody would get served, dirty dishes would pile up. Pretty soon the whole place would stink! :'''Michelle''': Like Jason's room! :'''Sol''': ''[chuckles]'' Old Sol says, "The lazy person wants many things, but has nothing; but the person who is diligent and hardworking truly has it all." You want to be diligent, right, kids? :'''Jason''': Actually, the picnic sounds more fun. :'''Sol''': ''[laughs]'' I'm sure it does. You just keep an eye on those ants, you hear? :'''Jason''': We will. Is it just me, or is he weird? <hr width="50%"> :'''Fidgel''': ''[opens the storage bay, finding it a huge mess inside]'' Oh, dear me. :'''Midgel''': What's got your knickers in a knot, doc? :'''Fidgel''': Well, I'm scheduled to run a diagnostic test on the Harryhausen ray, but it's in the back of this storage bay, and I can't get to it. :'''Midgel''': Harryhausen ray? What's that? :'''Fidgel''': Oh, it's simply a device that halts movement on a molecular level. :'''Midgel''': ''[not understanding]'' In the Queen's English, Fidge. :'''Fidgel''': Yes. It stops action, freezes things in time and space. :'''Midgel''': Classic. But it looks like you could use some help. :'''Fidgel''': Oh, why thank you. :'''Midgel''': If I see anyone available, I'll send 'em round. :'''Fidgel''': ''[enters Jason's room, finding Jason lying on his bed]'' Hello, Jason. I hear you're looking to earn some extra money for sea chimps? :'''Jason''': Yeah! :'''Fidgel''': Well, the storage bay is in a bit of a mess. What say I hire you to clean it? :'''Jason''': Hire? You mean like a job? I'm kinda busy. Maybe later. Uh, doc? Turn the page for me. I can't reach. ===''More Is More''=== ===''Give and Let Give''=== :'''Jason''': ''[enters Michelle's room as he follows the smelling scent and spots a cupcake on the table, but as he tries to take it, Michelle snatches it from him]'' Let me have a cupcake. I'll tell Grandmum you've learned your lesson when we get back. :'''Michelle''': No. ''I'' made them, I say who gets one. :'''Jason''': You won't give me one because you're still mad about play-ser tag. ''[holds up the toy set of said game]'' :'''Michelle''': Yeah, it was no fair. I was sick of being it. :'''Jason''': ''[puts on the play-ser shield]'' At least I shared with you. :'''Michelle''': You gave me the broken one. :'''Jason''': This one? It's a new invention. Fidgel even said it didn't work right. ''turns on the device and a straight and spiral beam fires and goes around the room until it reaches him]'' :'''Michelle''': No, thanks, that thing is a play-ser tag magnet. Wherever I hid in the room, that beam would find me. I was it the whole time! :'''Jason''': Fine, but it's not ''my'' fault it doesn't work. Keep your stale old cupcakes. ''[leaves the room in a huff]'' ===''Practical Hoax''=== ===''Comedy of Errors''=== ===''Compassion Crashin'''=== ===''Wiki Tiki''=== :'''Grandmum''': Michelle, is this the way I've taught you to rinse the dishes? :'''Michelle''': ''[sees the sink overflowing; alarmed]'' Oh no! ''[quickly turns it off and places a towel on the wet floor]'' :'''Grandmum''': And, Jason, you didn't replace the plastic liner in this trash can. :'''Jason''': Sorry, Grandmum, I'll go get it right now. :'''Michelle''': I guess I was in too big a hurry. I'm sorry. :'''Grandmum''': Remember what the Good Book says, "Enthusiasm without knowledge is ''no'' good. Haste makes mistakes." :'''Jason''': Is that a real proverb? :'''Grandmum''': It jolly well is. Take the time to listen and do it right the first time. :'''Jason''': Like the trash liner. I'm on it. :'''Grandmum''': You'll just make a mess if you rush. <hr width="50%"> :'''Jason''': Now where's that spaceship? It was right here! :'''Michelle''': Jason, you heard Grandmum. We got to put the clean sheets on our beds. :'''Jason''': I did. :'''Michelle''': Jason. :'''Jason''': It's fine. I'll make the bed later. ''[Midgel galeezles both him and Michelle into the ship]'' Whoa, definitely later. :'''Michelle''': Hey, thanks, Midgel. Where is everybody? :'''Midgel''': Sorry, Michelle, no time for chit chat, we got to get going. ''[The kids are strapped to their seats and buckle up]'' The others are at the Comet Lounge making sure Sol doesn't run out of the afternoon special. :'''Jason and Michelle''': Sol's Aurora Borealis fruit punch! :'''Jason''': What are we waiting for?! :'''Jason, Michelle, and Midgel''': BONSAI! <hr width="50%"> :''[The Rockhopper arrives at the Comet Lounge and Jason, Michelle, and Midgel enter where the rest of the crew are already there]'' :'''Midgel''': Where's the aurora borealis punch? :'''Fidgel''': Sol hasn't lit the sign, yet. :'''Midgel''': Whew. I'd hate to miss the aurora borealis. Best fruit punch in the galaxy. :'''Fidgel''': Hey, I was in line first. :'''Zidgel''': Captains first, then everyone else. <hr width="50%"> :'''Jason''': You were right, Michelle. We didn't take our time and we made mistakes. :'''Michelle''': Captain Zidgel? Jason and I have realized something. :'''Zidgel''': Can't stop it. Tried everything. :'''Jason''': Captain, we ''have'' tried everything, except listening. :'''Zidgel''': Listening? What do you mean? :'''Michelle''': Grandmum told us, enthusiasm without knowledge is no good. :'''Jason''': And haste makes mistakes. :'''Zidgel''': Translated, means…is this a tongue twister? :'''Fidgel''': Wait, I think I know. Rushing to do things in your own enthusiasm instead of taking time to understand and think causes problems. :'''Midgel''': Cuz you'll just make a mess if you hurry. :'''Kevin''': Yeah, big mess. :'''Jason''': Right, we've been in such a hurry to get back to the Comet Lounge for Sol's aurora borealis fruit punch-- :'''Michelle''': That we've been running with the first ideas that popped into our heads. Nobody listened to the tiki king. ===''Invasion of the Body Swappers!''=== :'''Midgel''': Hey, Mish, everything all right? :'''Michelle''': Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. Midgel, do you, do you think I'm pretty? :'''Midgel''': What? ''[nervously laughs]'' Well, to tell you the truth, Michelle, I really don't know much about that sort of thing. To me, the prettiest thing in the world is the Rockhopper. She's a beaut, she is. :'''Fidgel''': ''[tweaking the galeezle as Michelle enters the main room]'' Oh, hello, dear. I've been tweaking the galeezle device. Would you like to help me? :'''Michelle''': Fidgel, do you think I'm pretty? :'''Fidgel''': Pretty? Uh, well, pretty is as pretty does, as my mom always used to say. ''[pulls out a photo of his mother]'' Ah, Mum was the prettiest woman in the world. ===''Git Along Little Doggies!''=== ===''Wise Guys''=== :'''Jason''': No, that was not my fault. It was the lousy time machine. It didn't even work! :'''Michelle''': Or maybe you didn't listen to any advice! ===''Hogs and Kisses''=== ==Season 3== ===''12 Angry Hens''=== ===''Kennel Club Blues''=== ===''Oh, Mercy!''=== ===''Promises, Promises, Promises''=== ===''Do Unto Brothers''=== ===''Between an Asteroid and a Hard Place''=== ===''In the Big House''=== == External links == {{wikipedia}} [[Category:American children's animated space adventure TV shows]] [[Category:TV shows about penguins]] 8r64pvsmhy3vaoird3cowiwxke5k76u 0 246443 3152980 3152829 2022-08-09T19:16:41Z Kaltenmeyer 359014 typo wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Moon Knight (TV series)|Moon Knight]]''''' is an American television miniseries created by [[w:Jeremy Slater|Jeremy Slater]] for the streaming service Disney+. The series follows Marc Spector, a former U.S. Marine with dissociative identity disorder who becomes the avatar for an Egyptian Moon God, in his quest to stop cult leader Arthur Harrow from unleashing a powerful evil, while also dealing with multiple identities. == ''[[w:The Goldfish Problem|The Goldfish Problem]]'' [1.01] == :'''Arthur''': Consider this… Had [[w:Ammit|Ammit]] been free, she would have prevented [[Hitler]] and the destruction he wrought. [[Nero]], the [[Armenian genocide]], [[Pol Pot]]. :'''Steven''': Not nice people. :'''Arthur''': But she was betrayed. :'''Steven''': Was she? :'''Arthur''': By indolent fellow gods. By even her own Avatar. :'''Steven''': "Avatars". Blue people. Love [[Avatar (2009 film)|that film]]. :'''Arthur''': By Avatar, what I mean… :'''Steven''': You mean the [[Avatar: The Last Airbender|anime]]? :'''Arthur''': Steven. Stop it. == ''Summon the Suit'' [1.02] == == ''The Friendly Type'' [1.03] == :'''Marc''': All right, well, if we can't find Harrow's digging crew, we're gonna have to stop 'em another way. So? What about the other gods? Are they just gonna stand by and allow somebody to unleash Ammit? :'''Khonshu''': To signal for an audience with the gods is to risk their wrath. :'''Marc''': Why? What's the worst that could happen? :'''Khonshu''': Anger them enough and they'll imprison me in stone. :'''Marc''': That doesn't sound so bad to me. :'''Khonshu''': See how you fare against Harrow without the protection of my healing armor. :'''Marc''': All right. So, what? Do you have any good ideas? :'''Khonshu''': I have a bad one… == ''The Tomb'' [1.04] == :'''Marc''': I'm here. You're not alone. :'''Steven''': I know I'm not alone. I know I'm bloody not alone. I've got Layla. She's got my back. :'''Marc''': Are you in love? Are you in love with my wife? :'''Steven''': I appreciate your concern, mate. I really do. But we've got it from here. :'''Marc''': I swear you, Steven. I swear… :'''Steven''': If I need a recipe for a protein shake or something, I'll call you. :'''Marc''': I'll throw us off a cliff! == ''Asylum'' [1.05] == :'''Steven''': Whenever danger is near, Steven Grant has no fear. == ''Gods and Monsters'' [1.06] == :'''Arthur''': Sometimes we need the cold light of death before we can see reality. == Cast == * [[w:Oscar Isaac|Oscar Isaac]] - Marc Spector / Moon Knight & Steven Grant / Mr. Knight * [[w:May Calamawy|May Calamawy]] - Layla El-Faouly * [[w:F. Murray Abraham|F. Murray Abraham]] - Khonsu (voice) * [[w:Ethan Hawke|Ethan Hawke]] - Arthur Harrow == External links == {{Wikipedia}} [[Category:Marvel Cinematic Universe]] [[Category:Disney+ shows]] [[Category:Superhero TV shows]] [[Category:Television programs based on comics]] 72zzw8oe36r1niz8lcbwb33nq6juzvr 0 246839 3152956 3152860 2022-08-09T17:19:00Z 75.35.55.63 /* Waterworks [6.12] */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} ---- :'''Season''' [[Better Call Saul (season 1)|1]] [[Better Call Saul (season 2)|2]] [[Better Call Saul (season 3)|3]] [[Better Call Saul (season 4)|4]] [[Better Call Saul (season 5)|5]] [[Better Call Saul (season 6)|6]] | [[Better Call Saul|'''Main''']] ---- The following is a list of quotes from the sixth season of ''[[Better Call Saul]]''. === ''[[w:Wine and Roses|Wine and Roses]]'' [6.01] === :''[Mike, Gus, and Tyrus gather in the office trailer at the Los Pollos Hermanos chicken farm to discuss the aftermath of the attempted hit on Lalo Salamanca.]'' :'''Gus:''' Tell me again about the ''sicario'' who made the final report. :'''Tyrus:''' He was already wounded when he talked to our cutout. Federales found him dead at the scene. But they got Salamanca. :'''Gus:''' The mercenaries are dead. To a man. And yet their mission was a success? :'''Mike:''' It has been known to happen. Now you go down there and get Varga, bring him home safe. There's ways to do it on the quiet. :''[Long pause; Gus and Tyrus both stare at him.]'' :'''Mike:''' ''[scoffs]'' ...Unless you already have something in the works. :''[Tyrus turns and exits the trailer. Mike and Gus speak alone.]'' :'''Gus:''' Speak your mind. :'''Mike:''' Loyalty goes both ways. Varga's done everything you asked him. :'''Gus:''' He wasn't given a choice. :'''Mike:''' Maybe so, but he played a tough game. And he played it on the square. :'''Gus:''' ...And? :'''Mike:''' When all is said and done, the kid deserves your respect. :'''Gus:''' He has it. Is there more you wish to say? :''[After a long pause, Mike exits the trailer.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jimmy and Kim have dinner at a diner; conversation turns to the Ford Taurus that Jimmy has rented.]'' :'''Jimmy:''' I rented us a car. It's the Ford. :'''Kim:''' So Saul Goodman drives a brown Ford Taurus? :'''Jimmy:''' Detroit calls that taupe, I believe. :'''Kim:''' Don't you think Saul Goodman would drive something with a little more... flair? :'''Jimmy:''' Such as? :'''Kim:''' I don't know. Definitely American-made. Something showy. And Saul Goodman has an office. Something eye-catching. Good location. :'''Jimmy:''' By the courthouse? :'''Kim:''' Yeah. A cathedral of justice. :'''Jimmy:''' ''Ooooh'', a cathedral of justice. Okay, yeah. :'''Kim:''' We should start looking for something for you. I mean, for Saul. :'''Jimmy:''' Sold. When do we start? <hr width="50%"/> :''[At the courthouse, Jimmy is confronted by the district attorney who prosecuted Lalo during his bail hearing]'' :'''ADA Khalil''': I've been calling you for two days. :'''Jimmy''': Oh, my girl's out sick. What can I do you for? :'''ADA Khalil''': Tomorrow morning, 10 A.M. :'''Jimmy''': Brunch? But just you and me, right? ''[points at Detective Roberts]'' I mean, won't the big fella here feel like a third wheel? :'''ADA Khalil''': You and I are meeting Parson in chambers. I am asking for an emergency hearing to alter the terms of De Guzman's release. :'''Jimmy''': Sounds like a blast. Unfortunately, I'm booked solid. :'''Detective Roberts''': I checked your client's place of residence. The address he gave, it's a Dairy Queen in Altamonte. The family that showed at the bail hearing can't be located. No driver's license, no tax rolls, no school records. Nothing. The fact is, there isn't a single Elizabeth McKinnon under the age of 73 living in New Mexico. :'''Jimmy''': Well, this is–this is surprising. :'''ADA Khalil''': Your client has disappeared, and I'm not waiting six weeks to start looking for him. :'''Jimmy''': Hey, my guy put up seven million in bail. You think he's just gonna walk away from that? :'''Detective Roberts''': Who comes up with seven million bucks in cash? :'''ADA Khalil''': You know what I think? I think the family was fake. ''[to Jimmy]'' And I think you knew it the whole time. :'''Jimmy''': Okay, hold up. Just get real for a second. The hearing didn't go your way, and now you're trying for a do-over? You say my guy ran, I say he's got seven million reasons for showing up when he's legally required to do so. So, no, I won't be... uh, due process window dressing at any crash meeting with Parson. And if you try throwing any of this crap around in front of the judge without my presence, here's an accusation: Prosecutorial misconduct. ''Career-ending'' prosecutorial misconduct! :'''Detective Roberts''': None of that changes the fact the guy's not who he said he was. :'''Jimmy''': No, no, no! Hold on! You guys got caught with your pants around your ankles, and somehow that's on me?! I don't think so! ''[points at ADA Khalil]'' You got two dozen lawyers up there! You got investigators—you got the whole damn police force—and it's ''my'' fault that you can't keep track of Lalo?! ''That is '''not''' my job!'' :'''ADA Khalil''': Lalo? Who's Lalo? :'''Jimmy''': What?! ''[blinks hard]'' What did I say... I meant De Guzman. I have more than one client! ''[chuckles]'' So... ''[clears throat]'' I will see you at the preliminary in six weeks as scheduled. Until then, I have clients who need me. :''[Jimmy walks into an empty courtroom and sits down while contemplating his slip-up]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jimmy takes a guided tour of the country club where Howard and Cliff are members, meeting with a tour guide named Norm in the main lounge.]'' :'''Norm:''' Hi, Norm Wakely. I understand you're in the market for a tour. :'''Jimmy:''' That's right. Saul Goodman. :'''Norm:''' Great to meet you, Mr. Goodman. :'''Jimmy:''' No please, call me Saul. :'''Norm:''' Great. So Saul, can I get you anything before we get started? The coffee here is just unbeatable. :'''Jimmy:''' Uh, well, I'm fine. I'm fully caffeinated. :''[Kevin Wachtell walks into the room and becomes upset upon seeing Jimmy in the lounge.]'' :'''Norm:''' Well Saul, you and I are standing on hallowed ground. Five presidents have played on our course, starting with Dwight D. Eisenhower. But the story goes back even further than that– :'''Kevin:''' ''Norm.'' :''[Jimmy and Norm turn toward Kevin.]'' :'''Kevin:''' Can I have a sec, please? :'''Jimmy:''' Kevin, hey. How's it going? :'''Norm:''' Uh, I'm sorry. I'm sure this will just be a moment. :''[Norm goes over to Kevin and talks to him for a few moments, clearly being instructed to remove Jimmy from the premises.]'' :'''Norm:''' Mr. Goodman. I'm so sorry, but I've just been reminded that in fact we have a two-year waiting list. :'''Jimmy:''' Two years, wow. Maybe I could go on the tour anyway. I mean, 'cause I'm here. Just in case. :'''Norm:''' Well unfortunately, we've suspended tours for the moment. :'''Jimmy:''' You're not even giving tours? :'''Norm:''' I apologize for the inconvenience. We–we'll be happy to call you if the situation changes. You left your number? :'''Jimmy:''' Uh-huh. :'''Norm:''' Well, we'll be in touch. If the situation changes. Again, I–I am sorry for your time and trouble. We just– ''[sighs]'' We had a few crosswires. :'''Jimmy:''' Well... okay then. :'''Norm:''' Thank you. :''[Jimmy is about the leave the lounge, but impulsively stops, turns around, and approaches Norm again.]'' :'''Jimmy:''' I'm sorry. :'''Norm:''' Oh, yes. :'''Jimmy:''' Um, just so I understand: you were going to give me a tour and then realized you don't need new members? :'''Norm:''' We have a waiting list. :'''Jimmy:''' Okay, but you're the membership director... :'''Norm:''' I know. :'''Jimmy:''' ...so you would have known that before. It doesn't really add up. I mean, I came in and everyone was rolling out the red carpet, and then all of a sudden something changed. I don't– :'''Norm:''' Mr. Goodman, I– :'''Jimmy:''' ''Goodman.'' The name. The second you heard it, everything turned on a dime. Wow. Waiting list? I think you're talking about an ''exclusion'' list. It's okay, I should have known. Because, I mean, look! ''[raises his voice and walks to the middle of the lounge, where everyone can see him]'' It's wall-to-wall mayonnaise in here! So listen, if you're going to be restrictive, have the courage to say so! :'''Norm:''' There's no question– :'''Jimmy:''' There it is, folks! Anti-Semitism, alive and well right here in Albuquerque! :'''Norm:''' Sir! We have many Jewish members! :'''Jimmy:''' Oh good. Well, you met your quota then. Gold star for you. :''[Kevin, flanked by two of his golf buddies, interjects.]'' :'''Kevin:''' Hold on. That's gotta be the biggest load of horse crap I've ever heard in my life. Go crawl back in your hole, McGill or Goodman – whatever you're calling yourself. What are you up to, anyway? Ginning up another one of your put-up job lawsuits? You two-faced, blackmailing, money-grubbing son of a bitch– :'''Jimmy:''' Money-grubbing! You're saying the quiet part out loud, I think. :'''Norm:''' Gentlemen, can we just keep the volume down? :'''Kevin:''' You know damn well that's not what I meant! :'''Jimmy:''' In this day and age, I'd hoped and prayed we'd be beyond this. :'''Kevin:''' You're about as Jewish as my Aunt Fannie! :'''Jimmy:''' Five-thousand years and it never ends! :''[Kevin tries to take a swing at Jimmy, but is held back by his golf buddies.]'' :'''Jimmy:''' ''Here it is! Violence! It always comes to this!'' :'''Norm:''' Mr. Wachtell, please! :'''Kevin's Buddy:''' Come on, Kev. :'''Kevin:''' ''[to Jimmy]'' You go to hell, you lying sack of shit. :''[Kevin and his golf buddies leave the lounge.]'' :'''Norm:''' Sir. Mr. Goodman, I don't know what to say. That is not– :'''Jimmy:''' I wouldn't be a member here. I wouldn't walk through those doors again after what happened to me here today. ''[feigns tears]'' Do you at least have a bathroom that I could use, seeing as how my– Stress like that is hell on my diverticulitis. :'''Norm:''' The men's locker room is the closest. It's straight through there. :'''Jimmy:''' And I would be allowed to go in there? :'''Norm:''' Yes, of course. :'''Jimmy:''' I want you to know I don't blame you personally. I know you were just following orders. ''[to everyone in the lounge]'' It's okay, folks! I'm leaving! All is well! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lalo is preparing to be smuggled across the border with a group of undocumented immigrants when he decides to call the Casa Tranquila Nursing Home and speak to Hector. A nurse holds a phone up to Hector's ear in the common room. Hector uses his bell to communicate.]'' :'''Lalo:''' ''[in Spanish]'' Uncle, can you hear me? Do you know my voice? :''[Hector visibly recognizes Lalo's voice.]'' :'''Hector:''' ''[rings bell twice]'' :'''Lalo:''' They told you about the attack, didn't they? :'''Hector:''' ''[rings once]'' :'''Lalo:''' Let them keep believing I'm dead. So much the better. It was the chicken man. That coward sat up there in the north while his paramilitaries came into my home. My home, Uncle! Screw Bolsa, screw Eladio. I'm coming north. I'm going to hurt him. Hurt him like you taught me. And then I will kill him. :'''Hector:''' ''[rings repeatedly in agreement]'' :'''Lalo:''' What is it? :''[The nurse takes the phone from Hector.]'' :'''Nurse:''' Hector? ''[to Lalo]'' Excuse me. I'm so sorry, but Hector seems a little upset. :'''Lalo:''' ''[in English]'' Yeah, sorry. Um, I'm just– I'm sharing a bit of family news, some good, some bad. Would you mind putting him back on? It will only be a minute. :'''Nurse:''' Of course. :''[The nurse again holds the phone to Hector's ear.]'' :'''Lalo:''' ''[in Spanish]'' Uncle? :'''Hector:''' ''[rings twice]'' :'''Lalo:''' What is it? Do you have another idea? :'''Hector:''' ''[rings twice]'' :'''Lalo:''' Okay, let's see. A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, Ñ, O, P– :'''Hector:''' ''[rings once]'' :'''Lalo:''' P? That's right? :'''Hector:''' ''[rings once]'' :'''Lalo:''' Okay. What's next? A, B, C, D... :''[Cut to the common room; Hector rings twice.]'' :'''Lalo:''' ...L, M, N, Ñ... :''[Cut to the common room; Hector rings once.]'' :'''Lalo:''' U? ''Prueba?'' :'''Hector:''' ''[rings once]'' :'''Lalo:''' Is that what you're saying? Proof? :'''Hector:''' ''[rings twice]'' :'''Lalo:''' Uncle, I don't have any proof. For months I was in the north watching him, following his men. There was nothing. :''[Lalo has a flash of realization.]'' :'''Lalo:''' Wait... There is proof. I know where to find it. Goodbye, Uncle. You will see me soon. === ''[[w:Carrot and Stick|Carrot and Stick]]'' [6.02] === :'''Jimmy''': "I was a hard worker. I was a company man. Twenty years, and I didn't miss a single day. They even gave me a plaque for it. ''[sighs]'' It was a gold plaque. Perfect attendance... But when they handed it to me, I wrenched my back. I was in so much pain, I couldn't do my job... ''[sighs again]'' which meant I couldn't put food on the table. I didn't want to sue... but with a family to support, what choice did I have?" :'''Kim''': Wait, who are you supposed to be again? :'''Jimmy''': Whatever. The backstory is just a placeholder. I'm gonna polish the script once we cast. :'''Kim''': But a personal injury suit? Best case scenario, that gets him in with an associate. :'''Jimmy''': ''[throws hands up]'' Mesothelioma. ''[clears his throat]'' "When I took that job down at the shoe factory, I had no idea I was risking my life. Now, I can't stop coughin'!" Right? Come on! Hey, a mesothelioma class-action built Clifford Main his vacation house. He hears "mesothelioma," his eyes pop! :'''Kim''': Well, sure. But then he takes the case. What happens when he asks for a medical evaluation? And how does Howard come up? :'''Jimmy''': Okay, ask me why I'm here. :'''Kim''': What brings you to Davis & Main today? :'''Jimmy''': "I'm sick. I'm really sick..." :'''Kim''': Good. :'''Jimmy''': "...and it's not mesothelioma, but it's not good. And I need a lawyer, and the pickings are slim. I already went to HHM. I met with their top guy, Howard Hamlin, and uh... Uhhh, I–I got a brother-in-law and he's got a pretty nasty coke habit, very similar energy. Just put me off. Anyway, I need a lawyer, blah-blah-blah." :'''Kim''': Okay, but you got a bad feeling from just one meeting? :'''Jimmy''': Yeah, I had the brother-in-law with the coke. :'''Kim''': Yeah, but you were only in the room with him once. :'''Jimmy''': Okay, so it's gotta be something with a history with Howard. :'''Kim''': Yeah. :'''Jimmy''': But Cliff has to want to take the meeting, but not the case. :'''Kim''': Right. :'''Jimmy''': ''[sighs]'' It's gotta be good, but not too good. :'''Kim''': Exactly. There's a sweet spot, you know. Like a magnet. We–we pull Cliff in, and then repel him. ''[beat]'' Oh! :'''Jimmy''': What? :'''Kim''': ''[sighs]'' You are going to ''hate'' this... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jimmy tracks down the Kettlemans to their shady tax preparation office and tries to rope them into his and Kim's plan to ruin Howard]'' :'''Betsy''': ''[to Jimmy]'' You've got some nerve coming here after what you did! ''[shoves Jimmy]'' ''Leave!'' Because of you, we lost ''everything!'' Our kids are in public school! So why don't you go crawl back under whatever slime-covered rock you came from and leave us the heck alone?! :'''Jimmy''': Okay, I sense some anger here, but that's–that's perfectly understandable. Since you brought it up, I came here today because I was curious if you two wanted your lives back. There's actually a legal term for it: Exoneration. :'''Craig''': Oh. You know, we actually did look into that. :'''Betsy''': Yep. :'''Craig''': We went to a number of lawyers, and— :'''Betsy''': ''Real'' lawyers. :'''Craig''': Yes. They were all terrific, but they said that it was impossible. :'''Betsy''': ''Mm-hmm''. :'''Jimmy''': Okay, but those lawyers don't know what I know. :'''Craig''': What's that? :'''Betsy''': No, Craig. He's got an angle. :'''Jimmy''': I ''do'' have an angle, Craig. It's an angle called justice. ''[Betsy scoffs and snickers]'' Let me put it this way: I think that within Craig's case, I have found the grounds for a civil suit. A big one. ''[pause; quietly]'' Big. :'''Betsy''': ''[long pause; looks at Craig]'' Okay, then. Let's hear it. :'''Jimmy''': Let's hold your horses, because we've been down this road before. [[w:Uno (Better Call Saul)|And the last time I gave you two advice, you went straight to the competition with it.]] ''[pulls out a piece of paper from inside his suit]'' So, I just need some assurances that all my hard work isn't gonna end up in the hands of, uh, Clifford Main or some other asshole at some pretentious high-pay, white-shoe law firm. So before we talk turkey, letters of engagement. :'''Craig''': Yes. :'''Jimmy''': Yeah, you remember these. I made some updates, just closed a few loopholes and whatnot. So... ''[holds out paper and pen]'' :'''Betsy''': ''[stops Craig from taking the pen]'' We're not signing anything. :'''Jimmy''': You have to sign if you want to know what I know. :'''Betsy''': ''We're not signing.'' :'''Jimmy''': Really? You're sure? :'''Betsy''': Yep. :'''Jimmy''': Craig? :'''Craig''': ''[looks at Betsy before shaking his head]'' Thanks anyway. :'''Jimmy''': ''[unclicks pen]'' Alright. Well, uh... Sorry we couldn't work something out. :'''Betsy''': I'm sure you are. :''[Jimmy overhears Betsy and Craig arguing as he walks around the trailer. He balls the pen in his fist]'' :'''Craig''': Mr. Goodman! :'''Jimmy''': ''[smiles; clicks pen and takes out letter]'' Best decision you've ever made. ''[turns his back to Craig for him to sign the letter]'' Here you go. :'''Betsy''': ''[after Craig signs the letter]'' So what do you know? :'''Jimmy''': You got one, too, Betsy. ''[holds out another letter]'' :''[Betsy snatches the pen and paper from Jimmy and signs the letter while pressing the pen hard on Jimmy's back]'' :'''Jimmy''': Oh, come on. That's not... ''Ow''. All right. Well, we're officially in business. Now, I have it on good authority here that Craig was not given proper counsel. :'''Betsy''': We already knew that. :'''Jimmy''': But did you ask yourselves why? :'''Craig''': No. Why? :'''Jimmy''': What if I told you that in your hour of need, the person who was supposed to be on your side was impaired? :'''Craig''': Impaired? :'''Jimmy''': It's a... a person of substance. ''[as Betsy and Craig talk to each other quietly]'' Substance in question being a certain illegal white powder. :'''Betsy''': That awful woman with the ponytail is a cocaine addict. :'''Jimmy''': No, not Kim Wexler! No! Craig's lead attorney, Howard Hamlin! :'''Craig''': Oh. I thought he was so... professional and energetic. Upbeat. :'''Betsy''': Oh... :'''Jimmy''': "Oh," is right. :'''Craig''': So upbeat is bad? :'''Jimmy''': In this case, it's textbook malpractice. The magic phrase is, "ineffective assistance of counsel." If your guy wasn't nose deep in the devil's dandruff, well, Craig's case would've turned out completely different. :'''Craig''': Oh, my God! :'''Betsy''': Don't we need some kind of proof? :'''Jimmy''': All the dirty laundry comes out in discovery. It’s just trips to rehab, secret drug deals. All we gotta do is get the ball rolling. So, I say we get started on your affidavits. :'''Craig''': Yes. :'''Betsy''': About that. We happen to know a thing or two about our rights, Mr. McGill. And it doesn’t matter what you force us to sign. We don’t have to work with any lawyer we don’t want. ''[gets in Jimmy's face]'' And that means... you’re fired. :'''Jimmy''': I am not fired. :'''Betsy''': Oh yes, you are! :'''Jimmy''': No! No! :'''Craig''': He’s fired? :'''Betsy''': Craig! :'''Jimmy''': No, you can’t fire me! I found this case, it’s mine! Hey, you wanna hear about rights?! The second you say where you got this information from, guess who automatically gets a cut?! ''Me! So go ahead! Go ahead, see what happens!'' :''[Jimmy pretends to be upset after the Kettlemans leave, but slowly starts smiling as he walks away]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Gus and Juan Bolsa visit Hector at Casa Tranquila to send their condolences, still believing that Lalo is dead. The dialogue is in Spanish.]'' :'''Bolsa''': He wishes to make amends. At least hear him out. :'''Gus''': Don Hector. It's no secret that I did not see eye to eye with your nephew. And while the friction between your family and myself did not start with him, today I am reminded we are all Eladio's men. No matter our disagreements, a strike against one is a strike against all. I hope you will accept my condolences and my support as you navigate this terrible loss. :'''Bolsa''': Gustavo speaks the truth. In this matter, he and I both stand shoulder to shoulder behind the Salamanca family. We are still looking for the traitor, Ignacio Varga. ''[places hand on Hector's shoulder]'' We will find him. And then your family will have justice. :''[Hector slowly reaches his hand out to Gus. As Gus holds his hand, he notices a change of expression on Hector's face and stares at him. Cut to outside the nursing home.]'' :'''Bolsa''': ''[to Gus in English]'' We'll be in touch. :''[Gus calls Mike on his cell phone after Bolsa drives away]'' :'''Mike''': What did you learn? :'''Gus''': Lalo Salamanca lives. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jimmy gets a call from Betsy Kettleman after she finds out there was no case against Howard]'' :'''Jimmy''': Saul Goodman, speedy justice for you. Oh, wait! Okay, just take a breath, and then we can... Okay, okay. I can tell you're upset. Just... I–I never advised that. No. ''[sighs]'' No, I did not, so let's agree to disagree. ''[pause]'' Okay, I think you're going to want to meet in person before you do anything rash. So how about–how about we meet up, and we can hash this out. ''[pause]'' Yeah, sure! Tomorrow, first thing. Uh, 9 A.M, I can come to your office. That work? ...Okay, okay! Good! ''[hangs up]'' :'''Kim''': I'm surprised it took them this long. You, uh... You're gonna use the stick, right? :'''Jimmy''': The stick? Well, it's a big stick. But I know these people, they're more carrot types. Especially her. ''[takes out cash and puts the bills in his suit pocket]'' Spoonful of sugar, you know? :'''Kim''': ''[beat]'' I think maybe I'll come, too. :'''Jimmy''': Tomorrow? Really? :'''Kim''': Sure. I have time. :'''Jimmy''': ''[pause]'' Okay. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tyrus''': They found the truck, but no sign of Varga. Salamancas have all eyes looking for him, including the federales. Still not picking up his cell, so nobody got a lock on it. Now as for Lalo, still missing. As far as everybody in the cartel is concerned, top to bottom, Lalo is dead. :'''Mike''': May I offer a thought? ''[pause; to Gus]'' If Salamanca was coming straight for you, he'd be here already. We've got guys watching anywhere he might turn up this side of Mexico. Wire taps on any phone he might call. There is not a whiff of him. Now, my guess is he's smart enough to know it's not in the Salamanca family interest to take you out without a reason the bosses can get behind. So, the odds are he's searching for Varga. Finds him alive, gets him to talk. ''[pause; Gus remains silent]'' Varga's alone in foreign territory, no one he can trust. The kid's smart, but he's not gonna last. ''[Gus stands up]'' He's gonna get caught. :''[Gus accidentally knocks a glass over and kneels down to pick up the shards from the floor]'' :'''Gus''': Continue. :'''Mike''': The best way to handle this: I take four of our best guys, cross the border and track Varga down. Let me find him, bring him back before the Salamancas sweep him up. It's our only play. :''[After cleaning up the broken glass, Gus throws it away and looks out a nearby window]'' :'''Gus''': ''[beat; in Spanish]'' Varga's father. Bring him here. :'''Mike''': No. You're not doing that. ''[locks the door after Tyrus gets his gun out]'' You don't understand. That's not happening. :'''Tyrus''': ''[walks up to Mike and aims gun at him]'' Just say the word. :'''Mike''': Whatever happens next... it's not gonna go down the way you think it is. :''[Mike stares at Tyrus, who cocks his gun and waits for Mike to make a move.]'' :'''Mike''': ''[beat; hears cell phone vibrating]'' It's him. :'''Tyrus''': Bullshit. I've been calling Varga for hours. He hasn't picked up once. :'''Mike''': He's been trying to get me since he left the Salamancas. ''[opens phone]'' You want me to answer it? :''[Tyrus turns to Gus, who nods. Mike answers the phone and speaks to Nacho]'' :'''Mike''': Yeah. ''[pause]'' Yeah. ...Not my call. ''[pause]'' That's up to you. ''[to Gus]'' He wants to talk to you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Betsy:''' You used us &ndash; us and our good name &ndash; to character-assassinate Howard Hamlin. Somehow, some way, it benefits you to tear him down. :'''Craig:''' Yeah. And we're&ndash;we're mad. :'''Jimmy:''' Okay, yeah. I'm hearing a lot of unfounded accusations being tossed around. I don't know anything about schemes or character assassination or whatnot, but... ''[clears throat]'' if you're feeling slighted, we can make it right. ''[Jimmy hands Betsy a bundle of cash]'' :'''Betsy:''' Money? ''[scoffs]'' Money's not gonna take care of this. :'''Jimmy:''' Money takes care of everything. Isn't that the motto stitched onto the Kettleman family crest? :'''Betsy:''' We don't want money. :'''Jimmy:''' I am non-plussed. I'm guessing you want something. :'''Betsy:''' Do what you promised. :'''Jimmy:''' Do what I what? :'''Betsy:''' Exonerate Craig. Get his good name back. :'''Jimmy:''' Alright. Well, as you've been advised, for a number of reasons that's not gonna happen. :'''Betsy:''' It ''is'' gonna happen. It is. It's... You're just gonna have to figure out a way. :'''Craig:''' If anyone can do this, it's you. :'''Betsy:''' I know you don't want us going to Howard Hamlin. Because whatever it is you're up to, I'm sure he would be ''very'' interested. :'''Jimmy:''' Okay, let's just go easy on the threats. :'''Betsy:''' We want our lives back! The way they were before. ''Before.'' We lost everything! And we don't deserve any of this. :'''Kim:''' Okay. Enough carrot. ''[clears throat]'' :''[Kim turns to the home phone next to her and begins to dial]'' :'''Craig:''' Dial 9 to get out. :'''Kim:''' Oh, thank you. :'''Betsy:''' ''[whispering; to Craig]'' We didn't give her permission to use the phone. :'''Craig:''' ''[whispering; to Betsy]'' She needs to use the phone. :'''Jimmy:''' Kim... ? :''[The line connects; Kim speaks through the phone's speaker]'' :'''Receptionist:''' Internal Revenue Service, Albuquerque. :'''Kim:''' Hi. Could you put me through to Justin Stangel in Criminal Investigations? :'''Receptionist:''' One moment, please. :'''Betsy:''' ''[to Kim]'' What are you doing? Excuse me! :'''Justin:''' This is Justin. :'''Kim:''' Justin, Kim Wexler. How are you? :'''Justin:''' Hey, Kim. Good to hear from you. :'''Kim:''' How are Noreen and the boys? :'''Justin:''' Oh, hanging in. Noreen always talks about having you by for dinner some time. :'''Kim:''' We should do that. Tell her to call me. Listen, I was wondering who your CID officer is these days. :'''Justin:''' You have something for us? :'''Kim:''' Oh, I just might: Tax preparer fraud. A lot of it. :'''Justin:''' I'm listening. :'''Kim:''' Well, it's this, uh, run-down little mom-and-pop outfit I've had my eye on for a while. ''[chuckles]'' Don't ask me why. Clearly, I need to get a life. But from what I can glean, their clients always end up with smaller refunds than they deserve. :'''Betsy:''' ''[whispering]'' Please don't do this. :'''Justin:''' Do the clients sign over third-party authorization? :'''Kim:''' Bingo. So what I'm thinking is, these creeps file legit returns with you guys, give the clients fake ones that show about half the proper amount, and then pocket the difference. :'''Justin:''' Classic scam. Well, I know just the guy to go after these dirtbags. Tony Oropallo. Real bulldog. I'll transfer you over. :'''Kim:''' Such a big help, Justin. :'''Justin:''' You got it. Talk soon. :'''Betsy:''' You don't have to do this. :'''Kim:''' ''[to Betsy]'' Don't I? Betsy... You'll probably get twenty-four months, maybe eighteen with good behavior. But Craig? You are a two-time loser. They will definitely make an example out of you. Each false return they discover will be a separate felony. What are we talking? A hundred? :'''Betsy:''' Uh... :'''Kim:''' Two-hundred? :'''Tony:''' ''[beat]'' CID, Anthony Oropallo speaking. :''[Betsy runs to the phone and slams down the receiver to end the call]'' :'''Betsy:''' Please. We'll do anything. Just tell us. :'''Kim:''' ''[beat]'' Why would I believe ''you?'' Huh? :'''Craig:''' Please. :'''Kim:''' ''[long pause]'' First. First, you contact every person you've ripped off. Tell them you made an accounting error, tell them you're crooks who had a change of heart, I don't care. Give them what they are legally owed. Everything you stole. And then after that, you're going to forget you ever heard the name Howard Hamlin. I'm keeping my eye on both of you. You think you've lost everything? ''You have no idea.'' :''[Kim leaves the room with Jimmy while the Kettlemans stand shellshocked, on the verge of tears]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jimmy:''' [[w:Inflatable (Better Call Saul)|Wolves and sheep]]. :'''Kim:''' Huh? :'''Jimmy:''' ...Nothing. === ''[[w:Rock and Hard Place|Rock and Hard Place]]'' [6.03] === :''[Nacho calls his father from an auto shop while on the run]'' :'''Manuel''': A-to-Z Fine Upholstery. Hello? :'''Nacho''': Dad. It's me. :'''Manuel''': Nacho? :'''Nacho''': ''Si'', Papa. ''Hola''. :'''Manuel''': ''[sighs]'' ''Hola, hijo.'' ''[in Spanish]'' How are you? :'''Nacho''': ''[in Spanish]'' Good, good. Um... just wanted to hear your voice. :'''Manuel''': Nacho, where are you? You sound strange. :''[pause]'' :'''Nacho''': It's not important.... I was just checking in, that's all. :'''Manuel''': Okay. ''Hijo'', I have lots of work to do. We've been through this, so many times. You know what you have to do... go to the police. :'''Nacho''': Yes, Papa. I understand... I hear you. :''[pause]'' :'''Manuel''': What else is there to say? Hmm? Goodbye, ''hijo''. :'''Nacho''': ''[choked up]'' Goodbye, Papa. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Nacho calls Mike at an auto repair shop in Mexico while on the run from the Salamancas]'' :'''Mike''': Yeah. :'''Nacho''': It's me. :'''Mike''': Yeah. :'''Nacho''': You knew. You knew that I was going to Mexico to die, that I was never supposed to make it out of that motel. And you let it happen. :'''Mike''': Not my call. :'''Nacho''': What happens now? :'''Mike''': That's up to you. :'''Nacho''': Is that bastard with you? Put him on. :'''Mike''': Hmm. ''[to Gus]'' He wants to talk to you. :'''Gus''': ''[takes cell phone from Mike; to Nacho]'' Yes. :'''Nacho''': You are screwed. ''[pause]'' You want the cartel to blame me for Lalo. But if they catch me, and make me talk? ''Ooh...'' That is not good for you, is it? Even if I disappear, everyone's gonna smell your stink all over it. The only way that this works for you is with me dead. ''[beat]'' Alright. Whatever bullshit way you want the story to go, I will make it go. But... I need one thing. :'''Gus''': Yes? :'''Nacho''': My dad. I need to know that he will be safe. :'''Gus''': If you are true to your word, there will be no reason for anyone to harm your father. :'''Nacho''': ''You'' are not the one that I need to hear it from. :''[Gus puts the phone on speaker so Mike can speak to Nacho]'' :'''Mike''': Your dad's gonna be okay. :'''Nacho''': How do you know? :'''Mike''': Because anyone who goes after him is gonna have to come through me. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jimmy and Huell sit in a car; Jimmy pays Huell for duplicating the keys to Howard's Jaguar]'' :'''Huell:''' Can I ask you sum'n? :'''Jimmy:''' Sure, go ahead. :'''Huell:''' Personal, kind of. :'''Jimmy:''' Okay. What? :'''Huell:''' You're a lawyer. You make good money, right? :'''Jimmy:''' Good days and bad, but yeah. :'''Huell:''' Legit money, on the level. :'''Jimmy:''' Yeah, so? :'''Huell:''' Your wife's a lawyer. A legit lawyer. :'''Jimmy:''' Yeah. :'''Huell:''' Why you do all this? :'''Jimmy:''' Oh, I got you. I&ndash;I know from the outside that this looks like just another scam, but you're not seeing the bigger picture. Couple months from now, there are people whose lives are gonna be way better. Because of this. We're making a real difference. Trust me. We're doing the Lord's work here. :'''Huell:''' ''Hmph''. If you say so. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jimmy''': What's going on? :'''Kim''': I have news, Jimmy. Lalo is dead. :'''Jimmy''': ''[exhales deeply]'' Holy shit. :'''Kim''': The DA's office put it together that Lalo was calling himself De Guzman. They are pretty upset they let him go. :'''Jimmy''': I'll bet they are. :'''Kim''': Ericsen seems to think that if Lalo lied to you and you didn't know about the pseudonym, that you could break confidentiality. She wants you to talk. She says it's right. :'''Jimmy''': Well, what do you think we should do? :'''Kim''': You... should do whatever you want, Jimmy. They don't have anything on you. It's just a fishing expedition to see if you bite. :'''Jimmy''': ''[pause]'' You think I should do it? :'''Kim''': It depends. :'''Jimmy''': On what? :'''Kim''': Well... ''[sighs]'' I guess it's basically... Do you want to be a friend of the cartel or... do you want to be a rat? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Nacho is driven to a remote location with Gus, Tyrus and Victor. There they meet Juan Bolsa, Hector Salamanca, and the Cousins. Bolsa kneels next to Nacho.]'' :'''Bolsa:''' Today, you are going to die. But there are good deaths, and there are bad deaths. Tell me what I need to know, I'll see that your death is a good one. Who put you up to this? :''[Nacho glances at Gus, as if he's about to turn on him]'' :'''Bolsa:''' One last chance. ''Who?'' ''[long pause; scoffs and gets up to leave]'' :'''Nacho:''' It was Alvarez. Los Odios, out of Peru. They paid me to set up your nephew. And I did. :''[Hector furiously rings his bell and attempts to point to Gus, who he knows is the real culprit]'' :'''Bolsa:''' Alvarez, we know. Los Odios, we know. Was anyone else involved? :'''Nacho:''' ''[scoffs; nods to Gus]'' Him? You think the chicken man? ''Heh.'' What a joke. Alvarez has been paying me for years &ndash; ''years''. ''[to the Salamancas]'' But you know what? I would have done it for free. Because I hate every last one of you psycho sacks of shit. I opened Lalo's gate, and I would do it again. And I'm glad what they did to him. He's a soulless pig, and I wished I'd killed him with my own hands. And you know what else, Hector? I put you in that chair. Oh, yeah. Your heart meds? I switched them for sugar pills. You were dead and buried, and I had to watch ''this'' asshole... ''[gestures to Gus]'' ...bring you back. So when you are sitting in your shitty nursing home and you're sucking down on your Jell-O night after night for the rest of your life, ''you think of '''me,''' you twisted fuck.'' === ''[[w:Hit and Run (Better Call Saul)|Hit and Run]]'' [6.04] === :'''Jimmy:''' What kind of asshole moves a cone?! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jimmy''': So, I pull the Jag into the loading zone. And I start scrappin' with this hunk of metal. It was in deep—like, "down a well" deep—so I just... wrassled it! UGH! ''[Kim laughs hysterically]'' Like a freakin' bear, and I jam it in the dirt in front of the Jag! Boom! Barely made it out of there with the skin of my teeth. ''Who moves cones?'' Who does that? :'''Kim''': Narcissists. :'''Jimmy''': Heh, you're damn right. So you think Cliff really bought it, huh? :'''Kim''': One hundred percent! You should've seen his face. It landed, trust me. God, it was... beautiful. ''[pause]'' Oh, and that is not all. :'''Jimmy''': Spill. :'''Kim''': So... I'm doing the stall. I'm telling Cliff what I'm doing—what I wanna be doing. All I'm thinking is, I gotta stretch this out until you get there, but then... I don't know. I... kinda got caught up in it, and then... Cliff went for it. I mean, like, ''really'' went for it. :'''Jimmy''': What does that mean? Like, money? :'''Kim''': I don't think he'll write a check himself, but he knows people. And I think he'll deliver. :'''Jimmy''': You're kidding! :'''Kim''': I know! How great is that? :'''Jimmy''': This is unbelievable. ''[Kim laughs]'' Are we on a roll, or are we on a roll? Jeez! :'''Kim''': ''[beat]'' You ever feel like you're being followed? ''[pause]'' When I dropped Wendy off at the motel, she thought she was being watched by some undercover cops. But then when I drove away... that same car was behind ''me.'' Right after I spotted them, they disappeared. :'''Jimmy''': Well, you know what they say: The wicked flee where no man pursueth. :'''Kim''': ...You think we're wicked? :'''Jimmy''': No. What? ''[chuckles]'' It's just a turn of phrase. I think you're wicked hot. ''[pause]'' Alright. Listen to the voice of experience, okay? You know why you're feeling like this? Because we got away with it. It seems too good to be true, but trust me. Nobody is following you. ''[takes Kim's hand]'' No one knows what we're doing except for us. Okay? :'''Kim''': ''[pause]'' Okay. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jimmy confronts Bill Oakley at the courthouse when he notices his colleagues' cold treatment of him]'' :'''Jimmy''': What the hell is going on?! How come everyone's treating me like I'm covered in oozing pus sores? :'''Bill''': I liked you better when you were just a regular bottom feeder. But this? :'''Jimmy''': This? What is, "this?" :'''Bill''': I understand advocating for your client. Deep in my heart, I get it. But you scammed the court. You scammed the judge, and for what? To get a murdering cartel psychopath back out on the street? It's just... wrong. :'''Jimmy''': That's a lot of big talk, Bill. Prove it. Prove it, Bill! :'''Bill''': There's proving, and then there's knowing. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': They're gone. :'''Kim''': I'm sorry? :'''Mike''': The two men that were following you. They're gone. :'''Kim''': Do I know you? :'''Mike''': Would you mind sitting for a moment, and I will answer any questions I can. ''[pause; Kim sits down next to Mike]'' I have men watching you and your husband. I'm not with the police, and as far as I know, they're not investigating either of you. I ''do'' know that you've been up to a few things that you probably would rather keep private. I don't care. That's not what this is about. I'm trying to solve a problem of my own. :'''Kim''': What problem? :'''Mike''': Lalo Salamanca. :'''Kim''': Lalo Salamanca's dead. ''[beat; Mike says nothing and stares at Kim]'' He... isn't. :'''Mike''': We're watching anyone he might contact. That includes you and your husband. Most likely, he'll never reach out. He's got bigger fish to fry. But in the thousand to one chance that he does... :'''Kim''': And who do you work for? :'''Mike''': I said I would answer anything I can. :'''Kim''': ''[long pause]'' [[w:Bagman (Better Call Saul)|You're the guy from the desert]]. The one who was out there with Jimmy. Why are you telling me this and not him? :'''Mike''': Because I think you're made of sterner stuff. ''[pause; gets up]'' Alright. Now here's what's best for everyone. You spot my guys again—which I'm hoping you won't—let them go about their business. Just pretend they're not there. And pretty soon, they won't be. You and your husband just... go on living your lives. ''[starts to leave]'' :'''Kim''': I do know you. You worked in the parking booth at the courthouse. ''[pause]'' You were the attendant. :'''Mike''': ...I was. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kim meets Jimmy at a strip mall where an office space is available for lease]'' :'''Kim''': What are we doing here? :'''Jimmy''': Take a look. What do you think? :'''Kim''': About what? :'''Jimmy''': My new office. Potentially. Come on. :''[They both peer through the storefront windows of the office, which is empty except for a lone toilet]'' :'''Kim''': Huh. :'''Jimmy''': Mrs. Nguyen kicked me to the curb. :'''Kim''': What? Why? :'''Jimmy''': It's a long story, but upshot is she wants me out of there with extreme prejudice. :'''Kim''': Wow. Bad day, huh? :'''Jimmy''': Well, no. It was a... great day. With actual paying clients. The word is out! People were throwing cash retainers at me just to say Saul Goodman is their lawyer. :'''Kim''': Because of who you represented. :'''Jimmy''': Well, I mean, that's part of it. But the bottom line is I need a new place for new business pronto. Now, this place is a shithole, but the price is right. And I think I can talk the landlord into a month-to-month. So, it's temporary until I find something better. ''[sighs; pause]'' Hey. What do you think? :'''Kim''': ''[beat]'' It's small. It's... dirty. And this whole place smells funny. ''[pause]'' But the courthouse is five blocks away. You can't get to MDC without driving past. Parking is good, bail bond row isn't far, and uh... Taco Cabeza is just around the corner. Might be a diamond in the rough. Just promise me... you won't move the toilet. :'''Jimmy''': ''[chuckles]'' There it is. Alright. Uh... speaking of Taco Cabeza. :'''Kim''': I'm starving. Let's do it. === ''[[w:Black and Blue (Better Call Saul)|Black and Blue]]'' [6.05] === :''[Cliff informs Howard about witnessing Jimmy throw Wendy out of Howard's car]'' :'''Howard:''' I threw a woman out of my car? In the middle of the street? And I&ndash;''zip''&ndash;I just drive right past you? I... That's what you're saying? I-I-I don't even... I don't know how to respond to that. :'''Cliff:''' I'm not asking you to respond. I just need you to know that ''I'' know. :'''Howard:''' It wasn't me, Cliff. Whoever you think you saw&ndash; :'''Cliff:''' Yeah, sorry, but that's the kind of thing my son used to say. It was your Jaguar, your "Namaste" plate. It was you! Howard, there's no harm in asking for help. You got a lot of people in your corner. :'''Howard:''' So there's the-the baggie at the county club. :'''Cliff:''' Yes. :'''Howard:''' After that, some clients&ndash;who you can't name because of privilege&ndash;make insinuations. Then on Thursday, you have a business meeting and you witness a Jaguar speeding past. ''[beat]'' Who were you meeting with? :'''Cliff:''' Not sure why that's germaine, but... Kim Wexler. She came to me for career advice. :''[Howard's face becomes awash with realization]'' :'''Howard:''' ''Mmm.'' All right. ''[pause]'' Okay. ''[takes out his cell phone]'' Of course. ''[scoffs]'' Of course. ''[to Cliff]'' Cliff, I know this wasn't easy for you. You came to me as a friend. I appreciate it. :'''Cliff:''' You can start today, Howard. :'''Howard:''' Oh, I will. Because you're right, I ''do'' have a problem. Just not the problem you think. I have a Jimmy McGill problem. :'''Cliff:''' Jimmy McGill?! :'''Howard:''' You'll have to excuse me. :'''Cliff:''' Howard! :'''Howard:''' ''[to his secretary on the phone]'' Julie. Cancel my week. Yes, my whole week. :'''Cliff:''' Howard! :''[Howard climbs into his Jaguar and drives away]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jimmy walks into a boxing club and sees Howard, who pretended to be a potential client named "Mr. Ward"]'' :'''Howard''': Hello, Jimmy. :'''Jimmy''': Mr. Ward, I presume. As in... H.O. Ward. That is really cute, Howard. So, wait. That means that you're the guy who shanked some dude in a rumble near Central Pen. ''[sighs]'' That's—that's very street of you. :'''Howard''': I thought it sounded like a Saul Goodman kind of case. :'''Jimmy''': ...Alright, so what are we doing here? :'''Howard''': I'm tired, Jimmy. You and me, us. I'm tired of this. Aren't you? It's exhausting. ''[points at boxing ring behind him]'' Let's punch it out. :'''Jimmy''': ''[chuckles]'' Are you kidding? :'''Howard''': Dead serious. Hoping you might get it out of your system. Do I think it'll work? ''[shrugs]'' I don't know. Call it a Hail Mary. I have the gear, I rented the ring. It's just you and me... ''[points at the man standing behind Jimmy]'' and Macky to ref. :'''Jimmy''': ''[pause]'' I am sorry, but have you lost your mind? :'''Howard''': Actually, I'm as clear-headed as I've ever been in my life. You didn't even try to hide your tracks. The baggie of drugs at the country club, the clients you sent to discredit me, ''another'' prostitute. :'''Jimmy''': Okay, once again as usual, I— :'''Howard''': Please. I could go on. All roads lead back to you. It's Psych 101. You want to get caught. :'''Jimmy''': So what? Is this like pistols at dawn? :'''Howard''': I'm trying to give you what you want. :'''Jimmy''': What I want? I don't... I think this is what ''you'' want. You wanna beat the shit out of me? Legally? :'''Howard''': I think you can hold up your end. You must've gotten into a few good scrapes in your old neighborhood. :'''Jimmy''': Yeah, right. I could've been a contender. :'''Howard''': Indulge me. Let's see what we see. :'''Jimmy''': ''[pause; smiles]'' Thanks for the laughs. ''[chuckles]'' "Mr. Ward." :''[Jimmy laughs and starts to walk out, but stops. He and Howard are seen suited up with boxing gloves as they begin their fight. They both land a few punches on each other, but Howard eventually knocks Jimmy down]'' :'''Howard''': ''[to Jimmy]'' You've mistaken my kindness for weakness. I like to think that tonight made a difference. I like to think that this ends it. ''[pause; shakes his head]'' Probably not. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jimmy''': I should've left Howard standing there like a yutz. Instead I let him suck me into his game. Why did I do that? :'''Kim''': You had your reasons. :'''Jimmy''': I did? Like what? :'''Kim''': Because... you know. :'''Jimmy''': I know...? :'''Kim''': ''[holds Jimmy's hand]'' You know what's coming next. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lalo has travelled to Germany using an alias, and meets Margarethe, Werner's widow, at a bar]'' :'''Margarethe''': I knew his work was dangerous. I never imagined such a thing, but... I suppose I try not to. :'''Lalo''': That is terrible. What kind of accident was it? :'''Margarethe''': A cave-in. :'''Lalo''': Cave-in? :'''Margarethe''': He was able to save his men. He got them out, but then... the structure collapsed. :'''Lalo''': So your husband was a hero. :'''Margarethe''': ''[smiles]'' He would never accept that. My Werner was too humble. :'''Lalo''': ...And what were they building there? :'''Margarethe''': My husband didn't talk much about his work. It was very secretive. :'''Lalo''': Oh... I'm sure he must have told you something. :'''Margarethe''': The lawyers came to my house. I asked questions, they wouldn't say much. :'''Lalo''': ''[shakes his head]'' Lawyers. :'''Margarethe''': They went through Werner's things. Took anything that they called, uh... Oh, how do you say it? ''[pause]'' Proprietary? I'm sorry, my English is— :'''Lalo''': Oh, it's excellent. :'''Margarethe''': I didn't care about it. All the boxes of folders, his papers. Why do I need all that stuff? :'''Lalo''': And what about your husband's men? I mean, they must have said something to you. :'''Margarethe''': Werner loved ''deine jungs''—his boys—but I never even met them. :'''Lalo''': What do you mean? Not even at the funeral? :'''Margarethe''': You'd think they would want to pay respect to the man who saved their lives. They sent flowers, keepsakes, and so on... but not one of them showed his face. :'''Lalo''': Wow. That is... ''[sighs]'' It's just not right. === ''[[w:Axe and Grind | Axe and Grind]]'' [6.06] === :''[Casper, one of Werner's former workers, spots Lalo approaching his home while chopping wood]'' :'''Lalo''': ''Guten tag!'' :'''Casper''': ''Guten tag.'' ''[in German]'' This is private property. Who are you looking for? Are you lost? :'''Lalo''': ''[in English]'' Yeah, sorry. I don't speak any German! :'''Casper''': ''[in English]'' Are you lost? :'''Lalo''': It's a beautiful place you have here. The air, it's just so... ''fresh!'' :'''Casper''': ...Do I know you? :'''Lalo''': Well, I don't think we've ''officially'' met- :''[Casper grabs his axe and runs inside a nearby wooden shed while Lalo draws his gun. Lalo searches when he's suddenly dropped by a blow from Casper]'' :'''Casper''': Who are you?! '''''Who are you?!''''' :'''Lalo''': ''[strained]'' Ed-Eduardo... Salamanca! I'm not here for you... This is about Fring. Guh- I want to know... I want to know what he's building. :'''Casper''': How did you find me? :'''Lalo''': Ma- Marga... M-Margarethe Z-Ziegler. :'''Casper''': What have you done to her?! :'''Lalo''': Nothing, nothing. You sent her a gi- a gift. ''[pulls out a business card and shows it to Casper]'' :'''Casper''': ''Was ist das?'' :''[Lalo's hidden a razor blade behind the card. He springs up and cuts Casper's face, then grabs his axe and cuts his foot off]'' :'''Lalo''': ''[cheerfully] Carajo!'' I think you broke one of my ribs! ''[tosses Casper his belt]'' Here. Tie that off... before you bleed to death. ''You and I are gonna have a '''talk.''''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jimmy''': Holy shit! The Jackson Mercer Foundation, that's like... the good housekeeping seal of approval. :'''Kim''': Well, it's not a done deal. Some of the foundation board members are flying in next week to meet the lieutenant governor at a luncheon in Santa Fe, so... they are inviting a select group of people with... Cliff called them, "up-and-coming organizations," and uh... Yeah. Cliff thinks I have a good shot. :'''Jimmy''': A good shot? You have more than a shot! They are gonna love you on sight! :'''Kim''': The only thing is the lunch is on D-Day. :'''Jimmy''': So, what? That's—You don't have to be there on the day! Was Eisenhower on Omaha Beach? No. Kim, this is great, right? It's ''huge!'' :'''Kim''': ...It is pretty great! ''[laughs]'' :'''Jimmy''': Kim, this is fantastic! ''[kisses Kim]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jimmy has Francesca call HHM and pose as a relative of a Sandpiper resident to get details about the upcoming mediation]'' :'''Jimmy''': What is the hold up? :'''Francesca''': I just... I don't know if I'm comfortable. Is this even legal? :'''Jimmy''': I'm sorry, which one of us went to law school? Because I can stand here and go through the ins and outs of what's quote-unquote legal with you, but we're on the clock. :'''Francesca''': I just don't— :'''Jimmy''': Francesca, let's get something straight, okay? We can't be holding a graduate seminar in constitutional law every time I give you something to do. :'''Francesca''': But I—I'm not sure if— :'''Jimmy''': You know what I'm paying you? It is above market. To whom much is given, much is expected! ''[takes out cell phone and starts dialing a number]'' :'''Francesca''': We're not gonna make a habit of this? :'''Jimmy''': Of course not! Absolutely not. No, no, no. ''[gives phone to Francesca]'' Put it on speaker and let me... ''[moves closer]'' :'''HHM Employee #1''': Hamlin Hamlin McGill. :'''Francesca''': Hi... there. I'm calling because my—my mother is... is—Well, I guess she's a—a client of yours. She lives in, uh, Sandpiper Assisted Living. :'''HHM Employee #1''': Sandpiper, of course. Let me transfer you. :'''Jimmy''': ''[to Francesca while she's on hold]'' It's just a phone call. :'''HHM Employee #2''': Good afternoon. Do you have a question about the Sandpiper case? :'''Francesca''': ''[waits for Jimmy to nod]'' Yes. My mother's out of the facility in Amarillo. Says she's supposed to call in to some meeting on Thursday? :'''HHM Employee #2''': Yes, you're talking about the mediation? :'''Francesca''': That's it. The thing is, she's lost her dial-in instructions. ''[sighs nervously]'' I'm just looking everywhere and can't find them. :'''HHM Employee #2''': I'd be happy to help you with that. It's very important to us that all the class members are fully looked in. What's your mother's name? :'''Francesca''': ''[Tells name mouthed by Jimmy]'' Uh, Marnie Stuber. ''[watches Jimmy form the letters as she spells aloud]'' That's–that's S-T-U-B-E-R. ''[sighs nervously again when Jimmy forces her to smile]'' Oh, bless your heart. She'll be so relieved! :'''HHM Employee #2''': Okay, it's very simple. The meeting is happening at our offices. So she just has to call the main line—the same number you called just now—press 7, and then enter the passcode. I can give that to you now. Do you have a pen? :'''Francesca''': Uh... ''[Jimmy quickly takes out a pen]'' Y–yeah, I'm ready. :'''HHM Employee #2''': Okay. It's 8-4-2-1-5-9. ''[Jimmy writes the numbers on his hand]'' :'''Francesca''': 8-4-2-1-5-9? :'''HHM Employee #2''': That's right. :'''Francesca''': Okay! Uh, thank you so much. Really appreciate it. :'''HHM Employee #2''': Of course, take care. :'''Jimmy''': ''[hangs up immediately]'' Was that so hard? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jimmy sees the real Rand Casimiro at a liquor store wearing a cast that was not shown in the fake photos he shot earlier. He bolts out of there and gets in his car before being seen by the judge.]'' :'''Jimmy''': FUCK! ''[bangs on steering wheel and chuckles nervously before dialing Kim on his cell phone]'' :''[Cut to Kim driving on the highway to Santa Fe.]'' :'''Kim''': "Ultimately, it's about equal justice, a system that works for everyone. A justice system that works for everyone, and what is more important than that?" ''[hears phone ringing and answers it]'' Hey, Jimmy. :'''Jimmy''': Flag on the play! You're not gonna believe this, but I just ran into Casimiro—the real one. :'''Kim''': Oh, God. :'''Jimmy''': Yeah, and before you ask, he didn't shave his mustache. ''He broke his arm.'' :'''Kim''': Are you serious? :'''Jimmy''': The guy has a giant cast on his left arm! And I checked all the pictures and you can see his arm in every single one of them! No cast, clear as day! :'''Kim''': Shit! SHIT! :'''Jimmy''': I KNOW! I '''KNOW!''' Uh... But, hey. Hey, hey, look at it this way: If I hadn't seen him... I mean, that would've really—that really could've sunk us. Right? So, we're gonna pull the plug and we are going to live to fight another day. :'''Kim''': ...What other day? :'''Jimmy''': Well, we'll figure it out. I promise, okay? So, just go. Just do your thing in Santa Fe, and we'll regroup when you get home tonight. ''[beat; Kim says nothing]'' Kim? Kim, you still there? :'''Kim''': Yes. :'''Jimmy''': Did you hear what I said? :'''Kim''': ''[pause]'' It happens today. :''[Kim quickly turns around and starts driving back to Albuquerque.]'' === ''[[w:Plan and Execution | Plan and Execution]]'' [6.07] === :''[An intern at HHM, Cary, drops soda cans when he sees Howard setting up the conference room for the Sandpiper mediation]'' :'''Cary''': Uh, excuse me, Mr. Hamlin! I-I was told I should restock the fridge before the meeting. :'''Howard''': No worries. Here, let me give you a hand. :'''Cary''': Thank you! :'''Howard''': Uh, you're... Gary? :'''Cary''': Cary! Anderson. :'''Howard''': Mm... of course. Cary. ''[sees Cary stocking the fridge with the dropped cans]'' Cary, what happens when you drop or shake a can of soda? :'''Cary''': ...Right. ''[mimes explosion]'' I'm sorry, I'm, uh... :'''Howard''': Here, let me show you a little trick. ''[picks up and spins a soda can]'' Something about the centrifugal force pulls the bubbles from the inside of the can, stops it from exploding. Don't want our clients to get a surprise now, do we? :'''Cary''': That works? :''[Howard opens the can without incident and takes a sip]'' :'''Cary''': Alright! :'''Howard''': You know who taught me that trick? ''[points at the picture of Chuck in the conference room]'' He used to do it. Had a habit - anytime he opened a can, almost unconsciously. I asked him about it once... just his way of being prepared for anything, accidental or otherwise. :'''Cary''': Um, I'm sorry, I'm... kinda new here. I- I have to ask, who is that? :'''Howard''': Charles McGill. The "M" in HHM. Greatest legal mind I ever knew. :'''Cary''': Wow! I hope someone says that about me someday. :'''Howard''': Well... maybe there are more important things. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Howard, Cliff, and the rest of the parties in the Sandpiper mediation are in the HHM conference room; Rand Casimiro is seated at the head of the table; Jimmy and Kim listen in on the meeting through a disposable cell phone in Saul Goodman's office]'' :'''Rand Casimiro:''' Hello. I know we're all anxious to get things started but you'll have to suffer through my traditional spiel, unfortunately. My name is Rand Casimiro, and I am your mediator for these proceedings. Now, I'm happy to be here. But at the end, hopefully all of you in the room and those listening from various locations ''won't'' be happy with me. And why do I say that? Because the best solutions mean compromise. It's compromise from both sides. That's my goal. But as my wife always says, compromising doesn't mean I'm right and she's wrong. ''[chuckles]'' So, let us move forward— :'''Howard:''' ''Hmph.'' :''[Everyone in the conference room turns to Howard]'' :'''Cliff:''' ...Howard? :'''Howard:''' I-I'm... Wow. ''[pause]'' I'm... I'm sorry. I don't think we can proceed with these negotiations today. :'''Rich:''' Why not? :'''Howard:''' Well, let's just say, circumstances beyond any of our control. :'''Rich:''' Well, I'm going to have to insist that you be more specific. :'''Howard:''' Well, our mediator here keeps using the word "compromise" when ''he'', in fact, is compromised. :'''Casimiro:''' I beg your pardon? :'''Howard:''' I think you heard me. :'''Cliff:''' Howard...? :'''Howard:''' You drive a silver Miata, correct? :'''Casimiro:''' I do. :'''Howard:''' And this morning, around 7 a.m., you walked across Trumbull Park in town? :'''Casimiro:''' No. :'''Howard:''' You didn't stop at the park this morning? :'''Casimiro:''' I didn't. I got to Albuquerque early, not at 7 a.m. And I didn't go to a park. :'''Howard:''' You sure? :'''Cliff:''' Howard, if the judge says he's sure, then I&ndash; :'''Casimiro:''' Of course I'm sure! If it matters, I arrived in town about ten, I stopped at a gas station, I went by a liquor store and bought a gift. I had a lunch salad and a very nice latté from the Flying Star on Menaul. I read ''[[w:Barron's_(newspaper)|Barron's]]''. Then came here. :'''Howard:''' ''Mmmm''. So you weren't in town to visit our mutual acquaintance, James Morgan McGill? Or maybe you know him as "Saul Goodman". :'''Casimiro:''' I don't know anyone by either of those names. :'''Howard:''' Okay. You want to go that way? ''[to his secretary]'' Julie, go to my desk, please. There's an envelope with photos. Bring it to me quickly. :'''Julie:''' Oh. Okay. ''[leaves]'' :'''Cliff:''' Howard, can we have a sidebar&ndash;? :'''Casimiro:''' I'm sorry. These photos &ndash; these are photos of me? :'''Howard:''' They show exactly what I'm describing. :'''Casimiro:''' You were following me? :'''Howard:''' I had a private investigator following Jimmy McGill. You were photographed receiving what I estimate to be a $20,000 payoff this morning in the park. :'''Rich:''' I-I'm sorry. I'm sorry. This is just&ndash; ''[sighs; to Howard]'' You recommended this judge as a mediator and we agreed. And now... ''Jimmy?'' Jimmy McGill &ndash; who originated this suit &ndash; is ''what?'' :'''Howard:''' A-admittedly, it all sounds a bit baroque. But when you see the photos, things will be clearer. :'''Casimiro:''' Well, I'm looking forward to that. :''[long pause; Julie enters the room with the envelope]'' :'''Julie:''' I have the pictures, Mr. Hamlin. :'''Howard:''' Thank you, Julie. ''[opens the envelope]'' And now, take a look. :''[Howard looks at the photos with Cliff, Schweikart, Casimiro, Irene and Julie looking behind him. Instead of an actor dressed as Casimiro as he had seen earlier, the photos show Jimmy sitting at a park bench exchanging a frisbee with the Sound Guy, dressed as a jogger]'' :'''Casimiro:''' ...Is that supposed to be ''me''? :'''Howard:''' I, uh... This is... This is not... Julie, you got the wrong envelope. :'''Julie:''' That was the only one on your desk. :'''Howard:''' Look again! :''[Julie leaves]'' :'''Howard:''' They-they've been switched. Somehow he switched them. :'''Cliff:''' Howard... :'''Howard:''' No. Jimmy &ndash; he snuck in somehow, and these are not the pictures I saw. :''[Howard turns to Erin, who notices that his pupils are now dilated]'' :'''Erin:''' Mr. Hamlin, are you all right? Your eyes... :'''Howard:''' ''[agitated]'' I am fine! This is all something that will be sorted out, I am confident! :''[Cliff rises and guides Howard out of his seat]'' :'''Cliff:''' I think a recess is in order. :'''Howard:''' Nobody move! Evidence has been tampered with! :'''Cliff:''' Now Howard, please! :''[Howard and Cliff leave the conference room. Everyone left behind is stunned silent]'' :'''Irene:''' ...Is this how these usually go? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cliff confronts Howard in his office after the fiasco in the conference room]'' :'''Howard:''' Cliff? Is that you? I'm not crazy, and I'm not on drugs. Please, come in. Now somehow, some way, that son of a bitch gave me something that dilated my pupils. I-I don't know what. But it's wearing off already, look. ''[gestures toward his eyes]'' :'''Cliff:''' You say that Jimmy McGill drugged you? How is that possible? :'''Howard:''' The-the photos. They were wet with... ''something''. :'''Cliff:''' The missing photos. :'''Howard:''' Yeah. My P.I., Genidowski, had to have been in on it. He-he must have shown me one set of photos and then switched them after I left the office. :'''Cliff:''' Howard... :'''Howard:''' Three weeks ago, Julie got a call from our detective agency. They wanted to update their contact info, so of course she changed the number in the system. But it turns out, it wasn't them. That was Jimmy. So when I needed an investigator to follow Jimmy, I called his fake number and his fake man. She just dialed the old number and, of course, got the actual agency. And, no surprise, no one by the name of Genidowski had ever worked there. I hired a con man. I got played. Every step of the way. I know what it sounds like, but you have to believe me. :'''Cliff:''' I... It doesn't matter. Rich went back to the previous offer. I'll give a recommend to the class that we take it. :'''Howard:''' No. No way. We do not let Jimmy win this. :'''Cliff:''' Why would Jimmy even do this? He's a profit participant! This means less money for him! :'''Howard:''' Because he's a child! He wants his money now! He begged me months ago to settle! You know what he does! :'''Cliff:''' Whatever the truth is, we'll never get back to where we were before mediation. We have to settle. :'''Howard:''' I'm lead attorney. And I won't sanction that decision. :'''Cliff:''' Then I'm obligated to go to the partners and explain everything I've seen &ndash; all of it. You think you're gonna be able to convince them it was all Jimmy McGill? :'''Howard:''' ...Okay then. We go to trial. Cliff, this case is incredibly strong. I put this thing in front of a jury, then everything will&ndash; :'''Cliff:''' I'm not thinking about you, Howard. I'm not thinking about Jimmy. I'm thinking about the time, the expense, the uncertainty. I'm thinking about our clients! :''[Howard bows his head in defeat.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lalo records a video message for Eladio while he's hiding in the sewers surveilling Gus' laundromat. The dialogue switches between Spanish and English.]'' :'''Lalo''': Don Eladio. Guess who? It's Lalo, I'm alive! ''[chuckles]'' I'm here in beautiful downtown Albuquerque. ''[pans the camera around his belongings]'' Been here... four nights? Now, you may be asking, "What am I doing down in this shithole?" Well, [[w:Axe and Grind|a little Croatian bird told me a secret]]. Eh, he put up a hell of a fight, but he told me. Look. ''[points the camera at his target, Lavanderia Brilliante]'' See that? Right there... Fring's secret. Now, I've been watching and Fring hides his guards very well, but they're there, dressed like laundry workers. ''[zooms in on one "worker"]'' See? That's one there. They're hiding guns under the uniforms, but I see. I have a pretty good idea of what I'm up against. ''[points the camera back at himself]'' I can tell you what's in there. A big hole where a German engineer, Werner Ziegler, designed the perfect place to hide the... ''[in English]'' "mother of all meth labs." ''[in Spanish]'' Well, that's my story. And Fring? Fring will have his story, a good one, and Bolsa will back him because he's an... ''[in English]'' "earner." ''[in Spanish]'' So tonight, I go in... kill all the guards and show you the proof. And then? You decide... ''Adios.'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jimmy and Kim are watching a movie in Kim's apartment when they hear a knock at the door. It's revealed to be Howard, disheveled and holding a bottle of Macallan scotch whisky.]'' :'''Howard:''' Can I come in? :'''Jimmy:''' Yeah. Come on. :'''Howard:''' Kim. :'''Kim:''' Howard. You doing okay? :'''Howard:''' I'm fine. Sorry to interrupt this, but I brought you a gift. :'''Jimmy:''' A gift? What's the occasion? :'''Howard:''' Your brother and I, we always had a meeting with Mr. Macallan after a big victory. Usually some brilliant summation by Chuck, that goes without saying. So this, this is for you. You earned it. You won. :'''Jimmy:''' Won? Uh, what did I win? :'''Howard:''' ''[pause]'' I get it. Of course you both have to play it this way. You're both so very good at it. :'''Kim:''' It's late, Howard. Do you want to tell us what this is about? :'''Howard:''' I was wondering that too. ''[walks to the kitchen]'' What it's all about. I mean, what do you tell yourselves? What justification makes it okay? "Howard's such an asshole that he deserves it?" ''[offers two glasses to Jimmy and Kim]'' :'''Jimmy:''' We're good. :'''Howard:''' So, what is it? I sided with Chuck too often? ''[points to Kim]'' I took away your office, put you in doc review? All of the above? Howard's daddy helped him get to the top, but you both had to struggle. "Howie has so much and we have so little, let's take him down a peg or two." What allows you to do this to me? Because this isn't just a prank. No. This goes beyond [[w:Namaste (Better Call Saul)|throwing bowling balls on my car]]. This took planning, coordination. I mean, how many weeks? Or-or-or was it months? It couldn't have been easy. So tell me, why? Why go through this elaborate plot just to burn me to the ground? :'''Jimmy:''' "Burn you to the ground?" Howard, come on. Y-you'll be fine. You always land on your feet. :'''Howard:''' Yeah, sure. The Sandpiper settlement—HHM's share will be substantial, absolutely. Even though I humiliated myself. And my clients and peers will whisper that Howard Hamlin's a drug addict. You're right. I've worked my way through worse. Debt. Depression. My marriage falling apart. :''[Jimmy blinks in surprise. He and Kim exchange looks]'' :'''Howard:''' Oh, yeah. Been sleeping in the guest house for the better part of a year. Just one more thing that good ol' Howard has to work through. But yes, I will land on my feet. I will be okay. But you? Far from it. You two... you two are soulless. Jimmy, you can't help yourself. Chuck knew it. You were ''born'' that way. ''[to Kim]'' But you—one of the smartest and most promising human beings I've ever known, and ''this'' is the life you choose. :'''Jimmy:''' Alright, you're too tight to drive, I'm calling a cab— :'''Howard:''' Oh good, phony compassion. And you know what? Very, very believable. But I'm far from done. :'''Kim:''' Oh no no no. You are done, Howard. Sorry, but you need to stop this now and you need to go home. :'''Howard:''' You're perfect for each other. You have a piece missing. I-I-I thought you did it for the money, but it-it—Now it's so clear. Screw the money, you did it for fun! You get off on it! You're like [[w:Leopold and Loeb|Leopold and Loeb]], two sociopaths— :'''Jimmy:''' Alright, that's enough. :'''Howard:''' Oh, you know it's true, you just don't have the guts to admit it. :'''Kim:''' Great. Now you need to go. :'''Howard:''' I'm gonna make it clear to everyone, because I'm going to dedicate my life to making sure that everybody knows the truth. Believe it. You can't hide who you really are forever. :''[Jimmy reflexively shields Kim as Lalo Salamanca enters the room; Jimmy is stunned]'' :'''Jimmy:''' How... :''[Howard turns around and see Lalo, who non-chalantly stands next to him]'' :'''Kim:''' H-Howard... Howard. Howard, you need to leave. :'''Howard:''' ''[to Lalo]'' Who are you? :'''Lalo:''' Me? Nobody. I just need to talk to my lawyers. :'''Howard:''' ''[scoffs]'' Oh, is that right? You want some advice? Find better lawyers. :'''Kim:''' Howard, please j-just... just... just turn around— :'''Lalo:''' No, no, no, no, no. Take your time. :'''Howard:''' ''[to Kim]'' What's this about? :''[Lalo calmly takes a pistol out of his pocket and screws a silencer onto the muzzle]'' :'''Kim:''' ''[to Lalo]'' Please... please, just tell us what you want. :'''Lalo:''' ''[shrugs]'' Like I said. To talk. :'''Howard:''' I, uh... I think I'm in the middle of something, uh... There's really no need to— :''[Lalo puts the gun to Howard's head and pulls the trigger; Howard falls onto the floor, killed instantly. Jimmy and Kim scream.]'' :'''Kim:''' ''Oh my God!'' :'''Jimmy:''' ''Please, no!'' :'''Kim:''' ''Oh my God!'' :'''Jimmy:''' ''No! No!'' :'''Lalo:''' ''[holds out his hand to quiet them down]'' ''Shhhh, shhhh, shhhh, shhhh, shhhh.'' Okay. Let's talk. === ''[[w:Point and Shoot (Better Call Saul) | Point and Shoot]]'' [6.08] === :''[Jimmy and Kim are cowering in terror when Lalo forces them to sit on their couch]'' :'''Jimmy''': I never turned on you. I didn't. I only worked for you in the desert. I was on your side the whole time. :'''Lalo''': Shhh. ''[motions for Jimmy to sit down with his gun]'' I don't care. You two... ''[chuckles; shakes his head]'' God, you two and your mouths! ''Dios mío!'' Now, ''you listen.'' ''[tosses car keys to Jimmy]'' My car's downstairs. Press the clicker, and you'll find it. This... ''[holds up small piece of paper]'' is where you are going. Don't speed, don't weave, don't cut anyone off. Just, you know, drive nice. From here, ''[checks watch]'' at this hour... I'd take 40 east, get off at Carlisle, take the third left. The rest I drew a little map for you on the back. It's not hard. So... big white brick house with a solid black door. You can't miss it. It's right at the end of the T. Park a little down the street and not up front. It's a quiet neighborhood, so you'll have plenty of options. Stating the obvious here maybe, but... turn the car off, right? So, in the glove compartment, I left you a present. There's a camera and there's a gun. And you're gonna need both. :'''Jimmy''': A gun? :'''Lalo''': Yeah, yeah, yeah. But don't worry. I mean, it's–it's easy. It's a revolver. It's already loaded, no safety—it's idiot proof. So, you go up to that house, you walk right up to that black door. Don't run. Just be casual like a stroll, you know? Keep the gun somewhere behind you where they can't see it. You ring the bell, you count to three, you step back. They look through the peephole, you're as innocent as can be. Door opens, you point... and you shoot. And you keep on pulling that trigger until it's empty. ''[pause]'' Simple. :'''Jimmy''': You–you want me to—?! :'''Lalo''': I know, I know. ''[casually nudges Howard's dead body with his foot]'' You're a lawyer, and you're not a killer. But look, you can do this, okay? This guy, he's a housecat! Black, medium height, short hair, glasses! He kinda looks like a librarian... but don't be fooled. Even a housecat can scratch. So, that's it. Hard part's over. Now, you pull out the camera. Same principle as the gun: Point and shoot. Take a picture. One where I can see the face ''clearly''... and then you bring it back here where, me and Mrs. Goodman will be waiting for you. And then you're done! I'd say it's about a twenty minute drive over there... ''[Jimmy looks nervously at Kim]'' twenty minutes back. Maybe ten minutes to do the job. Let's go with an hour altogether. So, you're back here in an hour, or— :''[Jimmy forcibly turns on the Saul Goodman charm]'' :'''Jimmy''': Send her. :'''Kim''': ...What?! :'''Jimmy''': She should do it. :'''Kim''': Jimmy... :'''Lalo''': ''[pause]'' Why her? :'''Kim''': ''[whispers to Jimmy]'' Don't do this. :'''Jimmy''': This guy, the–the housecat. :'''Kim''': Jimmy, please. :'''Jimmy''': He looks through his peephole... :'''Kim''': ''Please.'' :'''Jimmy''': ...in the middle of the night, and he sees me? "Who's this asshole? What's he doing?" Maybe–maybe he gets ''his'' gun, maybe he calls the cops. Either way, that door stays shut. But he sees a woman... :'''Kim''': No. :'''Jimmy''': ...she looks like she's in distress. Maybe her car broke down. ''[chuckles]'' I mean, you'd open the door for her, wouldn't you? :'''Kim''': Stop! Stop! :'''Lalo''': Yeah, but... she's really clever. I don't know if she's gonna stick to the plan. :'''Jimmy''': She will. :'''Kim''': No, no, no. :'''Jimmy''': No cops. You know she will. :'''Kim''': No. No, this... This doesn't even make any sense! I–I–I've never shot a gun before! I've never even held one! :'''Jimmy''': Like I have. :'''Kim''': Jimmy, what are you doing?! :'''Jimmy''': ''[to Lalo while pointing at Kim]'' You know she's the best choice. :'''Kim''': No, I'm not! I don't—I can't! I can't do it! :'''Jimmy''': ''[to Lalo]'' She can do it. You know she can do it! :'''Kim''': No! Jimmy, I'll stay! Stop! Just stop! :'''Jimmy''': You know I'm right! Listen! :'''Kim''': Stop it! Shut up! :'''Jimmy''': Listen! :'''Kim''': SHUT UP! :'''Lalo''': ''[rolls his eyes]'' Oh, my God! Okay, fine! Yeah, heard! Whatever. Give her the keys, give her the address, let's go. ''[walks toward the front door]'' :'''Kim''': ''[to Jimmy]'' No. Don't... Don't. :'''Jimmy''': You... you gotta go. :'''Kim''': ''[softly]'' Don't do this. :'''Jimmy''': Come on. Hey... ''[whispering]'' Let's go. :''[Kim reluctantly gets up and is about to leave the apartment when Lalo stops her]'' :'''Lalo''': Hold on. ''[pause; Kim looks at him]'' You're gonna need your shoes, right? :''[Kim stares at Jimmy while she puts her shoes on]'' :'''Lalo''': There you go! Okay, ''[looks at watch]'' so one hour starting... now. Clock's ticking, Mrs. Goodman. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lalo ties Jimmy to a chair while interrogating him about the assassination attempt at his hacienda]'' :'''Lalo''': You know, after I saw you last, I went home. My home. ''Mi cielito lindo''... And you know what happened? Men came. Armed men, in the middle of the night. To my home. Trying to get to me. And you know what they did? They killed people I care about. They killed my cook. My gardener. A seventeen-year-old kid I knew since he was knee-high, never hurt a fly. Butchered my housekeeper, Yolanda. ''Una viejita, cabrón.'' They shot her in the back. :'''Jimmy''': ...I'm sorry. :'''Lalo''': Now, how did these men... get into my home? Do you know? :'''Jimmy''': I... I have–I have no idea. :'''Lalo''': Ignacio Varga. ''He'' let them in. And who did Ignacio introduce me to? ''[taps Jimmy's head]'' You. :'''Jimmy''': Ignacio... Nacho? ''[brief pause]'' Whoa, whoa, whoa! I–I barely know Ignacio! Whatever he did, he did alone! Not with me! Listen, you gotta believe me! Hand to God, I had no part in this—it wasn't me! ''It was '''Igna—''''' :''[Lalo sneaks up from behind and gags Jimmy with a rolled-up shirt]'' :'''Jimmy''': ''[through the gag]'' Ignacio! It's not me! Listen, listen! I–I don't know about... :'''Lalo''': Save it. ''[looks Jimmy in the eyes]'' I'm gonna come back. And then you... are gonna tell me ''the whole story.'' :''[Lalo presses play on the movie Jimmy and Kim were watching earlier and turns up the volume. He picks up Jimmy's car keys by the front door.]'' :'''Lalo''': Ford Taurus... taupe? ''[rolls eyes and shakes his head before leaving the apartment]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mike disarms Kim and forces her inside Gus' house before she can shoot. Gus watches Mike question her through surveillance monitors at his neighbors' residence.]'' :'''Kim''': What are you doing?! I–I have to go! I have to—No, wait! :'''Mike''': Ms. Wexler, I'd like you to sit down. :'''Kim''': He'll–He'll kill him! You have to... You— :'''Mike''': Now, sit there and be calm! :'''Kim''': No, I have to get back! ''I have to get back!'' :'''Mike''': ''[restrains Kim and forces her back down]'' Sit ''still''... and stay calm. Now, if you take a deep breath—a ''deep'' breath—nothing's gonna happen here until you calm yourself. Alright? Now, who is killing who? :'''Kim''': Lalo Salamanca! Lalo is going to kill Jimmy! ''[Mike looks shocked]'' He's there! He–he is there with Jimmy now! :'''Mike''': Salamanca is at your apartment?! :'''Kim''': Yes! He sent ''me!'' He–he wanted to send Jimmy, but then he sent me. :'''Mike''': To do what exactly?! ''[pause; Kim hyperventilates]'' Ms. Wexler, you stay with me! What were you supposed to do here? :'''Kim''': ''[beat; points at a man who looks identical to Gus]'' Shoot him. I'm–I'm supposed to shoot him, and then take a photo, and then get back. That's it. I only have twenty minutes left! Please! ''[Mike quickly looks and nods at one of his guys]'' He is ''alone'' with him! :'''Mike''': Alright, stay put. We'll handle this. We ''will'' handle this. ''[to Victor]'' You call Tyrus. Get him to the condo ''now.'' :'''Kim''': You said you were watching us! WHERE WERE YOU?! HUH?! ''[Mike leaves]'' '''WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?!''' :''[Kim tries to get up, but Victor stands in her way and forces her to sit down again]'' :'''Victor''': You heard what the man said. :''[Mike walks through the corridor connecting the two homes and reports to Gus.]'' :'''Mike''': You heard all that? ''[Gus nods]'' Alright. You hunker down here. ''[to two bodyguards]'' You two, you stay with him. A dog barks too loud, you are on the phone with me. ''[to Arthur and Tyrus]'' You two, come with me. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After growing restless over Lalo's whereabouts, Gus calls Victor and asks him to speak to Kim about Lalo]'' :'''Gus''': Why did Lalo send you? :'''Kim''': Who is this? :'''Victor''': Answer him. ''[points behind him]'' :'''Kim''': ''[pause]'' He didn't want to send me. Not at first. He wanted to send my husband... but my husband talked him out of it because he wanted to get me out of there. :'''Gus''': He... talked Lalo out of it? :'''Kim''': That's right. ''[pause]'' Now that I've told you everything I know, please tell me. Tell me who— :''[Gus hangs up the phone and looks at his bodyguards]'' :'''Gus''': Come with me. Both of you. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lalo records another video message for Don Eladio while holding Gus at gunpoint at the laundromat. The dialogue is in Spanish.]'' :'''Lalo:''' Don Eladio, look who we have here. The one and only Gustavo Fring. ''[chuckles]'' And wearing body armor! Too bad they don't make armor for your head, eh? Now we're gonna take a little walk and show you around. ''Vamanos''. ''[clicks tongue]'' Don, I would've liked it if we didn't have to rush this so much. We could sit by your pool... strip this snake's skin off, inch by inch. Take our time, have some fun. But he shows up now... who am I to look a gift horse in the mouth? :''[Gus stops in front of a large washing machine.]'' :'''Lalo:''' A big machine hides a big secret. We have about... thirteen minutes until his bald ''gringo'' gets here with the cavalry, so Gustavo is going to have to give us the nickel tour. ''[beat; shoots Gus in the chest]'' Like I was saying, Gustavo is going to show us around. :''[Gus walks around and pushes a button, which opens the secret passage to the underground meth lab]'' :'''Lalo:''' ''Ha!'' Magnificent! I had a bathtub that did this, but... credit where credit is due, this is better. ''[laughs]'' ''Hijo de puta''. :''[Gus leads Lalo down a ladder and turns on the lights]'' :'''Lalo:''' ''[chuckles; in English]'' Okay. Drumroll, please. ''D-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r''... Ta-da! ''[laughs]'' ''Cadenza de wow'', no? ''[in Spanish]'' Don Eladio, I've heard some stories about this place. It took a bunch of German engineers ten months to build all of this. They used two hundred pounds of high explosive. Dug out 120,000 cubic meters of dirt and rock. And all... without disturbing the laundry up there. In the middle of a city with a million people! That's pretty badass, right? :''[Gus trips and falls to the ground when Lalo pushes his pistol against his back]'' :'''Lalo''': One moment, Don. ''[puts the camcorder between his teeth as he switches the magazines of his pistol]'' Think of the laboratory you could put here, Don Eladio. ''Eh?'' How much meth you could make... that was his plan. Cut you out to become boss. And now here we are, in this big hole! ''[cackles]'' Gustavo thought he was building an empire, but all he built himself was a tomb. :'''Gus:''' You can't kill me. :'''Lalo:''' Why not? :'''Gus:''' I haven't told that fat pig Eladio what I think of him yet. :'''Lalo:''' ''Hoo-hoo!'' Perfect! You've got one minute. :'''Gus:''' Eladio... you greasy, bloated pimp. You talk of honor. But you have none. A pack of stray dogs fighting for scraps has more honor. Jackals. That's all you are! No vision. No patience. No thought. Stupid and impulsive! That is how I did all this. You couldn't see it, couldn't even conceive of it. And you Salamancas... you're the worst vermin of all. You say you believe in "blood for blood" but you only understand blood for money! You're whores! ''[in English]'' I understand blood for blood. Hector? Yeah, I kept him alive. Kept him broken. I will save him to the last. Before he dies, he will know... '''''I''' buried every one of you.'' :'''Lalo:''' ''[sniggers]'' Big talk. You done? :'''Gus:''' No. Not yet. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jimmy:''' Lalo said he was coming back. :'''Mike:''' He's not coming. :'''Jimmy:''' No, he said he was, he told me— :'''Mike:''' You understand me? He is ''not coming back.'' Let's sit. ''[pause; Jimmy and Kim remain standing]'' '''''SIT.''''' :''[Jimmy and Kim sit at the foot of their bed; Mike stands in front of them.]'' :'''Mike:''' Alright. Here's what's gonna happen: In a few days, Howard Hamlin's car will be found several states away by the water. The odometer will have rolled to the exact number of miles it took to get there. There will be cocaine in the upholstery. That was the story you were setting up for this guy, yeah? They'll call it a suicide, hoping the body will come washing up. It never will. At some point, you're gonna hear about it. Someone calls you, someone at the courthouse mentions it—the moment that happens—you call the cops. His car was here for hours last night. Good chance somebody noticed it. That means you are the last people to see him alive. Cops are gonna want to hear from you. You tell the cops you saw him—he came here, seemed like maybe he was chemically altered, didn't make a lick of sense. Then he left, that's all you know. You keep telling the lie you've been telling. Now, Ms. Wexler tells me she has court at ten. What's on your docket? ''[Jimmy doesn't answer]'' Hey. ''Listen.'' Where do you need to be? :'''Jimmy:''' Uh, office. At my office. Clients start showing up around 9:30. ''Oh'', my car is gone. :'''Mike:''' No. It's on the way home, you'll have it when you need it. So you two are going to go about your day—normal, same as ever. Today, you're Meryl Streep and Laurence Olivier. No staring into space, nothing out of the ordinary, you ''cover.'' Anybody talks to you, it's just another day that ends in Y, that's all. When you get home, we'll be gone and everything will be back the way it was. Now, I need to impress upon you: none of this ever happened. None of it. Understand? Say it out loud, I need to hear it. :'''Jimmy:''' ...I understand. :'''Kim:''' ...It never happened. === ''[[w:Fun and Games (Better Call Saul) | Fun and Games]]'' [6.09] === :'''Jimmy''': One day, we'll... We'll wake up, and brush our teeth, and we'll go to work. And at some point, we'll suddenly realize... [[w:Bad Choice Road | that we hadn't thought about it at all. None of it]]. ''[pause]'' And that's when we'll know. We'll know we can forget. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Gus meets with Don Eladio, Juan Bolsa, and the Salamancas late at night. The dialogue is in Spanish.]'' :'''Eladio''': Don Hector has made a very serious accusation. :''[One of the Cousins hands a letter to Don Juan]'' :'''Bolsa''': These are Don Hector's words. Dictated to Leonel and Marco, letter by letter. "The assault on my nephew's hacienda failed. Lalo fought the assassins and won. The day after the attack, Lalo called me. I heard the truth from his own lips. It was Fring who sent the mercenaries, not the Peruvians. We kept Lalo's survival a secret. My nephew was about to take his revenge on the traitor, face-to-face. Instead, he disappeared. It is the Chicken Man's doing. Don Eladio, look into Fring's eyes. There you will see the truth. The Chicken Man hates you. He is our enemy. He plots against us. I demand blood for blood." :''[Bolsa folds the letter and sits back down]'' :'''Eladio''': Well, Gustavo? :'''Gus''': ''[pause]'' I have no response. :'''Bolsa''': Gustavo, you must speak. Have you no defense? :'''Gus''': With all due respect, I don't believe this merits a response. :'''Eladio''': Did you witness these phone calls from Lalo? ''[Leonel and Marco shake their heads]'' I was told you saw Lalo's body. :'''Leonel''': Yes. :'''Marco''': It was burned. :'''Eladio''': Didn't the ''federales'' check the teeth? :'''Bolsa''': Yes, Don Eladio. My brother tells me the dental records matched. :'''Eladio''': And that rat, Varga... What did he say before he died? :'''Bolsa''': He said he was in the pay of the Peruvians, Los Odios. We know he took their money, we found bank statements. :'''Eladio''': ''[beat; looks at his watch]'' Well... It's late. Don Hector... Since you've come a long way, tonight you sleep in my bed. ''[Hector angrily rings his bell repeatedly in protest]'' No, I insist. No arguing. I'm giving you my room. Very comfortable. And who knows? Maybe a couple of the girls will come to visit! ''[pause; Hector continues ringing his bell]'' Please. ''[Leonel and Marco carry Hector by his wheelchair and leave]'' Good night, Hector. Sleep well. ''[to Gus]'' I'd invite you to stay as well, Gustavo, but... I don't want my breakfast ruined by all the... ''[mocks Hector ringing his bell and laughs]'' Ay-yay-yay. ''[beat]'' The peace must be kept. What do you suggest? :'''Gus''': I wouldn't presume. :'''Eladio''': The South Valley will stay Salamanca territory. And the rest of the North, that'll be for you to manage. Working under Bolsa. :'''Bolsa''': Thank you, Don Eladio. :'''Gus''': ''[rises with Eladio out of his chair]'' Thank you. Your trust means everything, Don Eladio. :'''Eladio''': ''Bueno.'' Gustavo... ''[long pause]'' When I looked into your eyes... Hate. A little bit's okay. As long as you never forget who's boss. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mike meets with Nacho's father outside his shop to let him know about Nacho's fate]'' :'''Manuel''': Who are you? :'''Mike''': It's not important. :'''Manuel''': I saw you here before. [[w:Cobbler (Better Call Saul)|Chrysler Fifth Avenue]]. What about my son? :'''Mike''': I'm sorry, he won't be found. ''[pause]'' It was over fast. No pain. :'''Manuel''': You were there? :'''Mike''': I was there. Your son made some mistakes, he fell in with bad people... but he was never like them. Not really. He had a good heart. One more thing: you won't have to worry about the Salamancas. Their day is coming. There'll be justice. :'''Manuel''': Justice? :'''Mike''': I'm sorry, my Spanish - j-''justicia.'' Justice. :'''Manuel''': ''[sighs]'' What you talk about... is not justice. What you talk of is... ''revenge.'' It never ends... my boy is gone. ''[scoffs, speaks in Spanish]'' You gangsters and your "justice." You're all the same. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jimmy and Kim approach Cliff and Howard's widow, Cheryl, at a memorial reception in the offices of HHM.]'' :'''Kim:''' Cliff. :'''Cliff:''' Kim, Jimmy. :'''Cheryl:''' Kim, hi. :''[Jimmy extends his hand to Cheryl; she doesn't take it]'' :'''Jimmy:''' Hi, Cheryl. I'm Jimmy McGill. You may not remember me. I'm Chuck McGill's brother. :'''Cheryl:''' Of course. :'''Jimmy:''' Very sorry for your loss. ''[sighs]'' :'''Kim:''' Cheryl, I'm so sorry. I can't even imagine what you must be going through. If Jimmy and I can do anything for you or your family, please just say the word. :''[Jimmy and Kim are about to walk away]'' :'''Cheryl:''' There is something, actually. You two were the last ones to see him, weren't you? :'''Kim:''' Um... :'''Jimmy:''' I guess so. Uh, that's what the police said. :'''Cheryl:''' Howard told me that you were harassing him, playing elaborate pranks of some sort. That you wouldn't leave him alone. :'''Jimmy:''' I know he thought that. He—he—he told me as well. Um, I think he honestly believed it. :'''Cheryl:''' But you're denying it. :'''Jimmy:''' ''[pauses]'' You know what, I didn't leave here under the best terms. The past few years, I could have been more considerate to Howard instead of yitzing him every chance I got. I guess, uh, there was a certain amount of jealousy on my part because Howard had the, uh, respect of my brother. Which I never did. ''[Jimmy steps away]'' :'''Cheryl:''' Tell me what you told the police. :'''Jimmy:''' ''[pauses]'' Okay, um... Well, I mean, it was 11pm. Howard started pounding on our door. He was very upset, going on about something, um, he thought was my fault, uh... Guess it had to do with the Sandpiper case. But I—I couldn't make head or tail out of it. We tried to calm him down. But... he just—he just wouldn't, um... Finally, he left. That's—that's it. :'''Cheryl:''' I'm not oblivious. I know people are saying he was on drugs. Is that what you're trying to tell me? :'''Jimmy:''' I just... He just didn't seem like himself. :'''Cheryl:''' ''[to Cliff]'' Are you hearing all of this? Because none of it makes sense to me. :'''Cliff:''' Cheryl, maybe we should just— :'''Cheryl:''' I don't care what people are saying. I don't care what the police think. Howard was not on drugs. That simply is not true. There's something more to this. :'''Kim:''' I don't know if it's my place, but... I—I... :'''Cheryl:''' Please. Just spit it out. ''[sharply inhales]'' :'''Kim:''' ''[sighs]'' It was about a year-and-a-half ago. I was still an associate here, working late on a brief. And I saw a light on in Howard's office. I assumed the cleaning crew left it on by mistake. And I was sure that office was empty, so I didn't knock. :'''Cheryl:''' ...And? :'''Kim:''' And Howard was there at his desk, head down. And he was snorting something. :'''Cheryl:''' ''[scoffs]'' :'''Kim:''' I looked at him. He looked at me. I didn't know what to do, so I just walked out. And the next morning, when we saw each other, neither of us ever said anything about it. I never told anyone. But now I wish I had. :''[Long pause]'' :'''Cheryl:''' ''[to Cliff]'' In all the years that you worked with him, have you witnessed anything like this? Even a hint? Cliff... :'''Cliff:''' I... Cheryl, this really isn't the time or the place. :''[Cheryl begins to cry]'' :'''Kim:''' Cheryl. You were his wife. You saw him every day. You knew him better than anyone. Maybe I misunderstood what I saw. You would have known. :'''Cheryl:''' ''[voice breaking]'' Please excuse me. :''[Cheryl retreats into a women's restroom]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kim and her client are sitting in a courtroom as the presiding judge, Gabriel Dearden, takes the bench]'' :'''Bailiff:''' All rise. Court is now in session, the Honorable Judge Dearden presiding. :'''Judge Dearden:''' Good afternoon. We are here to discuss a motion to exclude evidence in ''State of New Mexico vs. Yarborough''. :'''Kim:''' ''[rises]'' Your honor, if I may. I submitted an additional motion. I'm assuming you have not seen it yet. :'''Judge Dearden:''' Did we get that? :'''Secretary:''' It just came in, judge. :''[The secretary approaches the bench and hands the motion to Judge Dearden]'' :'''Kim:''' I apologize, it was a last-minute addition. :'''Judge Dearden:''' "Last minute" is right. ''[looking through the motion]'' :''[Pause]'' :'''Judge Dearden:''' ...Do I understand this correctly? You're requesting to withdraw from this case? :'''Kim:''' Yes, your honor. My client is fully informed. And I've already been in touch with another attorney, Paige Novick. She's highly qualified and familiar with the case. She's prepared to step if you'll allow it. :'''Judge Dearden:''' Ms. Wexler, Mr. Orenstein, approach the bench. :''[Kim and the prosecutor do so]'' :'''Judge Dearden:''' ''[to Kim]'' Ms. Wexler, we are here today at your insistence to consider your motion to exclude evidence. And this is the moment you choose to withdraw? :'''Kim:''' It was unavoidable. :'''Judge Dearden:''' May I ask why? :'''Kim:''' Personal reasons, your honor. :'''Judge Dearden:''' "Personal reasons." Are we talking about a health issue, something to do with a loved one? :'''Kim:''' No. :'''Judge Dearden:''' Would you rather discuss privately in chambers? :'''Kim:''' Thank you for the consideration, but no. :'''Judge Dearden:''' Would you care to supply any detail at all? :'''Kim:''' Your honor, I prefer not to. :'''Judge Dearden:''' ''[pause; to Orenstein]'' ...Mr. Orenstein, is the state prepared to discuss Ms. Wexler's motion? :'''Orenstein:''' We are, your honor. Absolutely. :'''Judge Dearden:''' You know what, Ms. Wexler? Mr. Orenstein's here. I'm here. We all showed up for your party, and now you're taking away the punch bowl. I'm inclined to have you argue your motion, then I'll consider later writing petitions. :'''Kim:''' I'm sorry for wasting the court's time, your honor, but it's impossible for me to continue with this hearing. :'''Judge Dearden:''' And why is that, Ms. Wexler? :'''Kim:''' Because I'm no longer an attorney. :'''Judge Dearden:''' ''[brief pause]'' ...I'm sorry, what? :'''Kim:''' I gave notice to the bar two hours ago. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jimmy arrives home after hearing the news that Kim has quit her legal career]'' :'''Jimmy:''' ''You did what?!'' Why?! ''WHY?!'' Alright, alright, I know why. But Kim, you can't just— :'''Kim:''' Jimmy, I— :'''Jimmy:''' ''Shhh!'' Just let me say my piece, okay? Just—Let's take a breath here! Kim, after everything that happened... I mean, Jesus! I get it! You want to climb out of your own skin! That's natural! But Kim, you don't just throw everything away! Th-th-this is your life! You're a lawyer! What about your clients, huh? What about, uh... that poor guy, Mr. Yarborough? What about the kid in foster care? Huh?! You give them everything you got! Who are they going to find who is half as good as you?! No one! They need you! :'''Kim:''' It's already done. :'''Jimmy:''' ''Ugh!'' ''[pause]'' Okay, what's done can be undone. All I'm saying is just—just let's take a week or two to think it over. For now, we're gonna take some time off. God knows we need it. We're gonna to find a new place, we're—we're gonna leave here. We're never, ever gonna come back here again. Okay? We're gonna—we're gonna put it behind us! Things will look brighter! I guarantee it! But first we have to fix this. So we're gonna go back to the hotel room, and you're gonna write letters. You're gonna write a letter to the bar, you're gonna write letters to your clients. You—you—you dictate, I will type. We're gonna roll this thing back. I'll order a pizza, we'll pull an all-nighter. Because we're in this together. Okay? So I'm gonna go get your—your printer, and then we're gonna get the hell out of here. :''[Jimmy turns to head into the bedroom]'' :'''Kim:''' Wait— Jimmy. Jimmy! :''[Jimmy enters the bedroom to discover half-full boxes and luggage everywhere]'' :'''Kim:''' You asked if you were bad for me. That's not it. We are bad for each other. :'''Jimmy:''' Kim. Don't do this. Kim, please. :'''Kim:''' Jimmy... ''[holding back tears]'' ...I have had the time of my life with you. But we are bad for everyone around us. Other people suffer because of us. Apart we're okay, but together we're poison. :'''Jimmy:''' ''[shakes his head]'' No, no. Just tell me what I need to do to change, okay? Just tell me what it is, and I'll do it. :'''Kim:''' Jimmy... :'''Jimmy:''' No, Kim. You make me happy. We make each other happy. How can that be bad? Hey... I love you. :'''Kim:''' I love you, too. ''[voice breaking]'' But so what? :'''Jimmy:''' No. No. No, Kim, you're wrong! ''This is about '''Howard!''''' Okay?! What happened to him wasn't on us! It wasn't your fault! It wasn't ''my'' fault! It was that ''fucking Lalo Salamanca!'' That psychopath came back from the dead and he walked through that door! He did this! Not us, ''him!'' :'''Kim:''' I knew. :'''Jimmy:''' You knew wh-what? :'''Kim:''' I knew he was alive. :'''Jimmy:''' No, you didn't. :'''Kim:''' It was about a month ago. I saw that car following me again. And it turned out that Mike Ehrmantraut had guys watching both of us, watching for Lalo. :'''Jimmy:''' Mike... Mike told you that Lalo was alive? ''[Kim nods]'' And you didn't tell me? :'''Kim:''' ''[pause]'' Jimmy... I thought... I thought it was a one-in-a-million chance that he'd come for us. I thought he would be caught if he did. And I told myself I was protecting you. But that's not the truth. The reason I didn't tell you was because I knew what you'd do. :'''Jimmy:''' Wh-what would I do? :'''Kim:''' You'd—you'd blame yourself. You'd fear for me. You'd want us to run and hide until you were sure I was safe. You would pull the plug on the scam, and then... ''[pause]'' ...and then, we'd break up. And I didn't want that. Because I was having too much ''fun''. :''[Kim breaks down crying and returns to the bedroom to pack; Jimmy stands in the living room in silence]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Saul Goodman:''' Alright. [[w:Chicanery (Better Call Saul) | Let justice be done, though the heavens fall]]. === ''[[w:Nippy (Better Call Saul) | Nippy]]'' [6.10] === :''[Saul, now going by Gene Takavic, is confronted by Jeff after he unexpectedly shows up at his home]'' :'''Jeff''': Dude, what the fuck?! :'''Saul''': I know, it's awkward, right? But you don't have to call me Dad. Yet. :'''Jeff''': I don't know what this is about, but all I have to do is pick up the phone and it's "Bye-bye, Saul Goodman." :'''Saul''': Yeah, but you haven't picked up the phone yet, have ya? Or tried to strong-arm me for cash. And guess what? I know why. Because reward money—blackmail—that's not gonna tickle your pickle. I know what you really want. :'''Jeff''': Oh, yeah? What's that? :'''Saul''': You want in the game. :'''Jeff''': The game? What—what game? :'''Saul''': The ''game.'' The one you've been watching your entire life. You got your nose pressed up against the glass, peering in while the big boys play. :'''Jeff''': Speak English, man. What the hell are you talking about? :'''Saul''': ''The game.'' It's right there. You can see it, but you can't touch it yet. ''[pause]'' Cars, clothes. The cash, the ladies. It's about knowing all the angles, you know? Putting it all on the line and winning ''big.'' But here you are, Jeffy. Standing outside with the suckers, trying to pay off that cab, sweating the bills. You're getting older. It's—it's so close, but dammit you just can't get in! Until now. I can make it happen. :'''Jeff''': ''[beat]'' You? :'''Saul''': Saul Goodman. ''[pause]'' So, here's the deal. I will show you the game, and then we're done. :''[Jeff stares at Saul for another moment before smiling]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jeff runs around a maze in the outline of a mall. Saul, on a loudspeaker, shouts directions to him.]'' :'''Saul''': Go, go, go, go, go, go, go! One, Armani suits and run! Two, Air Jordan shoes for you! Three, linen shirts for free! Four, cashmere sweaters out the door! Five, Patagonias to survive! Six, swanky sweatsuits in the mix! HALT! :''[Jeff stops, breathing heavily.]'' :'''Jeff''': What?! :'''Saul''': That's too many, you gotta be precise! Just three of each. :'''Jeff''': Why? And why do I gotta run around like an asshole? :'''Saul''': I already told you! Three minutes, got it? That's our window! :'''Jeff''': Yeah, but why three minutes? :'''Saul''': Because at three minutes, that's when security sees you on the cameras and the cops haul your ass to jail, alright? So let's go. :':'''Jeff''': Wait, there's cameras? :'''Saul''': Sure there's cameras! They erase the tapes every seventy-two hours, so that's why you only take three of each, and only the pricey stuff. When the store opens the next morning, they won't even know they were robbed. By the time they do inventory, abra cadabra, no more Jeffy on the tape! Right, so, three items, three minutes... It's easy. Let's go. :''[Jeff walks back to the start of the maze.]'' :'''Saul''': How many of each? :'''Jeff''': Three... :'''Saul''': Pigs get fat, hogs get slaughtered! :'''Jeff''': I don't know... :'''Saul''': What don't you know? :'''Jeff''': Just, this whole thing, it seems crazy! :'''Saul''': Is this too hot for you?! Ju— You know what, just say so! You know what? Screw it. "Crazy?" I'll tell you what's crazy! [[w:Walter White (Breaking Bad) | Fifty-year-old high school chemistry teacher]] [[w:Breaking Bad | comes into my office. The guy is so broke, he can't pay his own mortgage. One year later, he's got a pile of cash as big as a Volkswagen.]] ''That's'' crazy. :'''Buddy''': I'll do it. :'''Jeff''': This sounds good to you? :'''Buddy''': I think it'll work. :'''Saul''': Well, look at you! Hey, you're young. You're probably, uh... Fast in the feet, huh? :'''Jeff''': Okay, I- I didn't say I wouldn't do it! I just... Had some questions about, like... Logistics. :'''Saul''': Are you in or out? :'''Jeff''': In. :'''Saul''': ''[sighs]'' Okay, back to one. ''[He speaks into the loudspeaker as Jeff sets himself up.]'' Check, test, one-two, one-two. Okay! And ready, set, action! :''[Jeff begins running.]'' :'''Saul''': Move, move, move! Pick up the pace! Go, go, go! One, Armani suits and run! Two, Air Jordan shoes for you! Three, linen shirts for free! Four, cashmere sweaters out the door! Five, Patagonias to survive! Six, swanky sweatsuits in the mix! Let's go, let's go, let's go! <hr width="50%"/> :''[On the night of the robbery, Saul watches Jeff through the mall cameras while one of the security guards, Frank, is eating a Cinnabon roll with his back facing the cameras.]'' :'''Saul''': How about that 44-21 win against the Cavs? :'''Frank''': Be still my heart. ''[laughs]'' :'''Saul''': Seventy-six yard pass to Reggie Ball, and–and never sacked once. :'''Frank''': Wow, you have got quite the memory. :'''Saul''': ...Yeah, well—I'll tell you what. I can remember every stitch of clothing I was wearing during that game, but ask me what I had for dinner and... ''[whistles]'' Clean slate. :'''Frank''': Tell me about it! ''[Saul checks his stopwatch, which is at two minutes and fifteen seconds]'' Well, I'll tell ya: If you're not passing the ball, that's what's gonna happen. ''[eats another bite]'' Mmm! :''[Eventually, Jeff runs with the last round of clothes when he slips and falls. Saul chokes on his coffee.]'' :'''Frank''': You okay? :'''Saul''': ''[coughs]'' Wrong pipe. :'''Frank''': Oh, okay. So, you think our guys are gonna move to the Big Ten like they're sayin'? :'''Saul''': ''[pause]'' Big Ten? :'''Frank''': Yeah, you know, maybe they're just chasing the almighty dollar if you ask me. I mean, both powerhouses of course. But, you know what? You got Oklahoma and Texas over here. But Michigan, Ohio State over there! ''[Saul looks nervously at the cameras]'' I... I don't know. Guess I like tradition. ''[chuckles; sighs as he takes yet another bite]'' So good. Just amazing. Wow. :''[After Saul realizes Jeff is out cold, he fakes a nervous breakdown to distract Frank]'' :'''Saul''': God, what am I doing? :'''Frank''': What? :'''Saul''': ''[cries out again as Frank turns his head towards the cameras]'' Look at me! Wha—I don't know what... ''[sobs]'' Oh, Jesus! :'''Frank''': Gene? :'''Saul''': Oh, God. You... you have a wife, right, Frank? :'''Frank''': Yeah. :'''Saul''': Yeah? :'''Frank''': Yeah. :'''Saul''': She's waiting for you? ''[Frank nods]'' Look at me. I got... I got no one. My parents are dead. [[w:Chuck McGill | My brother]]... ''[beat; looks down]'' My brother is dead. I, uh... I don't have a wife. No kids, no friends. If I die tonight, no one would care. What difference would it make? :''[Saul looks up again and notices Jeff slowly getting himself up]'' :'''Frank''': Gene, buddy... I—I'm sure you mean a lot to... to a lot of—lots of people. ''[turns his head around again]'' :'''Saul''': ''[slams fist on table]'' If I die tonight, my landlord would pack up my stuff. It'd take him three hours. And Cinnabon would just hire a new manager. Gene who?! Poof, I'd be gone! I'd be... a–a ghost. No, not a ghost. I'd be a... a shadow. I'd just mean ''nothing.'' I mean, Frank... What's the ''point'', Frank? What's the... :''[Saul sees Jeff put away the clothes in the box. He groans as he watches Jeff run out of the warehouse, then claps when he's out of sight]'' :'''Saul''': ''[sighs]'' I'm sorry. You didn't need to hear that. :'''Frank''': No, no, no. That's–that's okay. No, that is okay. Everybody has bad days. :'''Saul''': You've felt like this? :'''Frank''': ...No. I mean, not me, but... people. I think a lot of people. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Saul''': You guys enjoying yourselves? Well, hold on to that feeling, 'cause this is it. :'''Jeff''': Yeah, we know. :'''Saul''': Well, in case you forget, you transported stolen goods with a value exceeding $5,000. And the truck you used to do it was rented in Council Bluffs across state lines. :'''Jeff''': You told us to rent the truck over there, so— :'''Saul''': ''[motions for Jeff to stop talking]'' Theft from an interstate shipment, up to ten years. Transportation of stolen goods, another ten years. Sale of stolen goods, ten years. Conspiracy to commit a federal crime— :'''Buddy''': Whoa, hold on. Conspiracy? It was your idea. :'''Saul''': Yeah. It's called mutually assured destruction, so... if I go down, you go down. :'''Jeff''': Man, you don't have to threaten us. We're all friends here. :'''Saul''': I am not your friend. And if you get greedy, and you decide to come back for more, ''don't.'' Gene Takavic, you've never heard of him. Cottonwood Mall, you don't go there. You see me comin', you cross to the other side of the street. :'''Jeff''': Dude. :'''Saul''': Now, I need you to say it. We're done. :'''Jeff''': ''[pause; laughs]'' Come on! :'''Saul''': Say it. ''We're done. '''Say it.''''' :'''Jeff''': ''[beat; looks at his friend briefly]'' We're done. :'''Buddy''': ''[pause]'' We're–we're done. === ''[[w:Breaking Bad (Better Call Saul) | Breaking Bad]]'' [6.11] === :''[Saul, with his limbs duct-taped and a bag over his head, lies on the floor of an RV.]'' :'''Saul''': Guys, c'mon. Talk to me! ''Habla, por favor! Yo soy abogado! Abogado, abogado!'' Aw-- Crap! You already knew that! Jesus, fellas, there's a better way to do this! Hello? Oh-- Why- Wha-- Why are we going off-road? Oh! Whoa! Whatever this is, can we please don't do it in the desert? ''Anywhere but the desert!'' Oh-- Oh, God, I'm gonna be sick... :''[The RV stops and two masked men walk up, cutting the tape at Saul's legs and forcing him upright.]'' :'''Saul:''' Alright, fellas... This-- we can-- We can fix this! Whatever the ''problemo'', we can fix it with ''dinero. Mucho dinero! Mucho, mucho, mucho dinero!'' C'mon, please, one of you just, just-- You talk, ''habla!'' C'mon, b-before mistakes are made! C'mon, talk to me, guys, huh? :''[The RV door closes to reveal [[w:Pilot_(Breaking_Bad)| five bullet holes covered with duct tape.]]]'' :'''Saul:''' C'mon, just tell me what you want! Jeez... :''[The bag is taken off Saul's head to reveal an open grave in the middle of the desert]'' :'''Saul:''' Oh! Oh, no, no, no, no, no! No! [[w:Better Call Saul (Breaking Bad)| It wasn't me! It was Ignacio, he's the one!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Francesca answers a payphone at an abandoned convenience store outside of Albuquerque. On the other end of the line is Saul, calling from a phone booth outside a diner in rural Nebraska under his Gene Takavic alias.]'' :'''Francesca''': Yeah. :'''Saul''': Oh, good. You're there. Great. Great. Unencumbered by curious eyes and ears, I'm guessing? :'''Francesca''': Wouldn't have picked up otherwise. :'''Saul''': Right. Excellent. Um, okay. Well then... Lay it on me. :'''Francesca''': First things first. :'''Saul''': No, I believe we agreed after. :'''Francesca''': I'm hanging up. :'''Saul''': Okay, okay then! Jeez! I... Okay, if you're facing the phone, turn right ninety degrees and, uh, walk straight. You'll see some pieces of broken concrete in the dirt. Just pull back the one that's kinda shaped like New Jersey. :'''Francesca''': New Jersey? :'''Saul''': Alfred Hitchcock in a fez, whatever. Just pull that one back, and you'll see a, um, soda can tap. It's got a fishing line tied to it. Follow that line, it'll take you to an old water line, and just keep pulling the string and you'll get what I promised. :''[Francesca leaves the phone off the hook and follows Saul's instructions. She soon retrieves a pouch containing three bundles of cash, amounting to several thousand dollars. She returns to the payhone.]'' :'''Francesca''': Okay. :'''Saul''': Great. Was it all there? I mean, the rats didn't eat it or anything? :'''Francesca''': It's all here. :'''Saul''': ''[exhales]'' Okay. Well, uh, tell me... how hot. :'''Francesca''': How hot? :'''Saul''': Yeah. :'''Francesca''': Well, I still get followed. Not as often as [[w:Ozymandias (Breaking Bad) | when the shit first hit the fan]], but I still see them. My mail gets opened. My phone at home clicks whenever I use it. :'''Saul''': So the maestro buying the farm didn't change anything? :'''Francesca''': No. If anything, it made it worse. [[w:Skyler White | Skyler White]] got her deal, so the only ones left to go after are you and Pinkman. And I heard [[w:El Camino: A Breaking Bad Movie | they found his car down by the border]], so adios dopehead. :'''Saul''': Oh, so they're still on to me. Well... Hey, what do you know about the nail salons? :'''Francesca''': Nail salons are gone. :'''Saul''': What? Gone? All of them? :'''Francesca''': Yup. :'''Saul''': What about the vending machines? :'''Francesca''': Gone. :'''Saul''': Jesus! Don't tell me, the laser tag... :'''Francesca''': Feds found it all, Saul. :'''Saul''': How?! It was shells within shells! Dammit! Dammit!! Okay... okay... Hey— oh. Let's say there was an overseas account, Antigua and Barbuda— :'''Francesca''': Tiger Fish Corporation? :'''Saul''': What? :'''Francesca''': Tiger Fish Corporation? 850K? I gave it to the feds. :'''Saul''': You did what? Why would you do that?! :''[An automated message tells Saul that his phone time has expired. He hurriedly puts more quarters into the payphone.]'' :'''Saul''': ''God dammit!'' :'''Francesca''': You—you put my name on the board of a fictional corporation. I had to give it up, I didn't really have a choice. And a heads-up would have been nice, by the way! :'''Saul''': So it's gone? It's all gone. Those sons of bitches took everything. :'''Francesca''': Except what you took with you, and I'm guessing that wasn't chump change. :'''Saul''': Yeah, well... :'''Francesca''': Well... Guess that's it. :'''Saul''': Wait, wait, wait! C'mon, I just put more quarters in! Can't you just... I don't know... give me the lowdown? :'''Francesca''': There's nothing else. :'''Saul''': Well, that's not true. After all this time? You know, come on. Just fill me in. Um... How's Kuby? :'''Francesca''': No idea. :'''Saul''': Alright, how about Huell? :'''Francesca''': Huell? I guess back home in New Orleans. DEA held him under false pretenses or something, so last I heard he walked. :'''Saul''': Good. Um, how about Danny? Or—or Ira? I mean, any word on those two guys? :'''Francesca''': They have Internet where you are? :'''Saul''': Well, just... C'mon, give me something. There's gotta be some news. :'''Francesca''': Remember Bill Oakley? He switched sides. :'''Saul''': He came out, huh? :'''Francesca''': No, he's not gay. He's a defense attorney now. :'''Saul''': Huh. Well, I mean... What about you? How are you doing? :'''Francesca''': ''[sarcastically]'' I'm just great. [[w:Rainier III, Prince of Monaco|Prince Rainier]] proposed. The private jet is taking us to the palace on Thursday. :'''Saul''': Yeah. Okay, well... I guess that's it, then. :''[Francesca mulls over what to tell Saul next.]'' :'''Francesca''': I did get one call, after everything went down. ''[pause]'' Kim. Checking in on me. :'''Saul''': No kidding? :'''Francesca''': ''Mm-hmm''. Your name came up. Asked if you were alive. :'''Saul''': She asked about me... ''[pause]'' What did you tell her? :'''Francesca''': Nothing. :'''Saul''': But she asked. :'''Francesca''': Yup. :'''Saul''': ''[long pause]'' ...Yeah, okay. Well, I guess this is goodbye— :''[Francesca hangs up without saying anything.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Saul goes inside the RV driven by the two masked men [[w:Better Call Saul (Breaking Bad)| who kidnapped him and brought him to the desert]]]'' :'''Saul''': What the hell is this? It's like [[w:James Whale|James Whale]]'s travelling roadshow in here. :''[Jesse Pinkman, a ski mask pulled up over his face, steps in behind him.]'' :'''[[w:Jesse Pinkman |Jesse]]''': Whatever the hell that is, Crystal Ship definitely travels. :''[Walt enters and shuts the door behind him, incredulous. Meanwhile, Saul explores the RV.]'' :'''[[w:Walter White (Breaking Bad) | Walter]]''': I'm sorry, you said the ''what'' travels? :'''Jesse''': Crystal Ship. What I call this thing. :'''Walter''': Alright, never mind, just... No details. We're paying him to do a job, let's just leave it at that. :'''Saul''': "No details?" Fellas, that–that money you put in my pocket, that doesn't just extend to this job. That can get you attorney-client privilege on—on all matters! :'''Walter''': ''No details.'' :'''Saul''': Look at this setup. I mean–What, you two driving around like Mr. Softee, scooping out drugs for all the good boys and girls? :'''Jesse''': No, we don't deal from here. :'''Walter''': I said no details! :'''Jesse''': Dude is standing in front of a meth lab, it's not like he ain't gonna put two and two together! :'''Walter''': He is on a need-to-know basis. :'''Jesse''': Uh, I didn't wanna show my face. Did he need to know that? :'''Saul''': So, you're not just distribution. You're the whole freakin' package. :''[Saul leans up against a table, considering Walt and Jesse before turning to the lab equipment.]'' :'''Saul''': You two actually make the blue stuff? ''[brief pause]'' Here?! ''[chuckles and picks up a flask]'' That's amazing! :'''Walter''': Can you not touch...? :'''Saul''': I mean, look at this! I had a fish that could've used this as a vacation home, but you're using it to make the goods, huh? :'''Jesse''': Yeah, it's a, um, round-bottom flask. ''[turns to Walt]'' Right? Round-bottom? ''[Walt grimaces and says nothing]'' It's a flask for distilling. :'''Walter''': It won't be if you break it. Now please, put it down. :'''Saul''': Oh. ''[clears his throat]'' Okay, so if you cook the blue stuff... ''[to Jesse]'' that means you're Igor and— ''[to Walt]'' and that makes you... You're Heisenberg. Wow. Hey, tell me, how-how much product can you churn out with a setup like this? :'''Walter''': Alright, we're done. We're done with the questions. ''We'' ask the questions. You have ''a'' job—''one'' job—and I still don't understand how you're gonna pull it off. :'''Saul''': Listen, when I get all my ducks in a row, I'll give you a PowerPoint down at the office. But until then, just—just bring what we talked about, okay? And don't worry! I'm gonna make it work. :'''Walter''': I'm taking the eighty thousand as a starting point for negotiation. :'''Saul''': Take it any way you want. That's the price and, um... ''[clears throat again]'' I'm calling shotgun. ''[saunters up and plops down in the passenger's seat]'' :'''Walter''': ''[to Jesse, who attempts to take the driver's seat]'' I will drive. :'''Jesse''': Oh, yeah. Sure. I'll just... stand. I guess. ''[under his breath]'' Dick. :'''Saul''': At least you won't be rolling around like the last Christmas ham in the back of the delivery truck, you know? I—I've got bad knees. ''[to Walt]'' I think you might've messed up my rotator cuff. You're lucky I'm not charging you for my chiropractor, she's expensive. ''[to Jesse]'' But she adjusts ''everything.'' :''[Walt starts the RV, which immediately stalls out.]'' :'''Walter''': Dammit. :'''Jesse''': You gotta give it some ''gas'' when you're backing up. :'''Walter''': I gave it the proper amount of gas. :'''Jesse''': I guess that's why we're "moving", then. :'''Walter''': Look, it just was... idling too long. It'll start. :''[Walt attempts to turn over the ignition again and it sputters.]'' :'''Jesse''': Oh, you should've just let me drive, yo! :'''Walter''': Look, nothing would be different in this moment except you panicking and flooding the engine. :'''Jesse''': ''[scoffs]'' Bullshit. :'''Saul''': Look, fellas, I was enjoying the [[w:Laurel and Hardy|Laurel and Hardy]] vibe, but I'm not such a fan of [[w:The Bickersons|the Bickersons]]. Now, can you get me back to my office? I—I got work to do if you want me to make some magic. :'''Walter''': We just need to sit a moment, that's all. When it idles too long, the fuel pump overheats, and so we just need to let it cool down. :''[Walt takes the key out of the ignition, plunging the RV into darkness. Walt clears his own throat, which turns into a cough. A bit of blood spills onto his hand and he wipes it away, but Saul notices. He gives Walt a once-over and Walt responds with a glare of his own, which prompts Saul to turn his attention to the window.]'' :'''Jesse''': So... who's Lalo? :'''Saul''': ...Who? :'''Jesse''': Lalo. Thought some dude named Lalo sent us? You seemed pretty freaked out. Never heard of no Lalo on the street. :'''Saul''': ''[beat]'' It's nobody. ''[to Walt]'' Hey, are you gonna try that again? 'Cause... Or are they gonna find us, y'know, buried in a sandstorm a thousand years from now? Just, please. :''[Walt turns the key and the RV springs to life once again]'' :'''Jesse''': ''[sarcastically]'' Bravo. :'''Saul''': I second that! I'm gonna give you two free words of advice: Jiffy. Lube. :'''Walter''': Hold on. :''[They drive off out of the desert, leaving behind the hole that Walt and Jesse previously dug up.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Saul is lying on the floor with his feet in the Swing Master as Mike enters his office]'' :'''Saul:''' Ho, enter sunshine! Cast some light into my cool, dark world! :''[Mike doesn't say anything, sitting on the couch and looking at a newspaper crossword puzzle]'' :'''Saul:''' Hello? You're on the clock, right? So, get with the info any time. :'''Mike:''' When you're done. :'''Saul:''' No, I can multitask. Please. :'''Mike:''' I'm not gonna talk to you while you're on... whatever ''that'' is. :'''Saul:''' You know, LBJ used to have his underlings give him reports while he was on the shitter. :'''Mike:''' ''Ah-hah.'' Well, either I'm gonna leave or I'm gonna put my foot in your skull. :'''Saul:''' ''[sighs]'' ...Fine. ''[gets up off the floor]'' You should try one of these. You walk like Frankenstein after he was probed by aliens. ''Ha!'' I can get you one. Would do wonders for your chi. ''[puts on his suit jacket and seats himself behind his desk]'' Let's go. Lay it on me. :''[Mike walks to the desk and hands Saul an envelope containing photos.]'' :'''Mike:''' Alright. First: there's your Mrs. Denise Gabbler. She's cheating, alright. :'''Saul:''' ''[whistles]'' Limber! ''Ha-ha!'' Well, at least I know they didn't spot you. No one could stay that aroused with your mug peeking through the window. ''[Mike stares at Saul, stone-faced; he doesn't respond]'' What else you got? :'''Mike:''' Well, next I followed your bus driver. Newsflash: He really does have a broken neck. :'''Saul:''' Fantastic. That makes my life much easier. Keep it coming. :'''Mike:''' Second-story guy out of Indianapolis, Lasky? Did a dime at Menard. Now, if you're looking for a tenor who will keep his mouth shut, you can trust him. I say he's worth keeping an eye on. :'''Saul:''' Second-story guy, second-story guy... I—I got more second-story guys in my book than pimples at a junior prom. That... ''[inhales]'' What about, uh, that Heisenberg fella? :'''Mike:''' High school chemistry teacher. :'''Saul:''' You're shittin' me, really? :'''Mike:''' Walter Hartwell White. Chemistry teacher over at J. P. Wynne. Working with a former student, current meth head, one Jesse Pinkman. :'''Saul:''' Wow... Uh, what else about the teacher? :'''Mike:''' He has lung cancer. :'''Saul:''' ''Jesus.'' That's why he can't quit with the coughing. How bad? :'''Mike:''' Stage 3A. He's in treatment, more tests to come. But it doesn't look good. Now listen, even if this guy was gonna live, I wouldn't go near him. He's a complete amateur. :'''Saul:''' Well, you see an amateur, I see 170 pounds of clay ready to be molded. :'''Mike:''' Well, if the cancer doesn't get him, it will be the cops or a bullet to the head. :'''Saul:''' Is that your appraisal, or is that what [[w:Gus Fring | He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named]] says about him? :'''Mike:''' He didn't say anything. The guy is small potatoes. :'''Saul:''' Yeah, okay. I hear ya. I just—I got a feeling about this. This Heisenberg guy's got something. It's top-of-the-line product, that's the buzz on the street. And I just think with the right management— :'''Mike:''' You know, years ago I bought a [[w:Betamax|Betamax]]. Good product, top of the line. Experts said it was better than a VHS. Turned out to be a complete waste of time and money. :'''Saul:''' ''Hm?'' :'''Mike:''' ''[sternly]'' Let it go. :'''Saul:''' ''[sighs]'' ...Guy with that mustache probably doesn't make a lot of good life choices. So yeah, the second-story guy. Menard, you said? :'''Mike:''' Yeah, right, right, right. Alright, part of a high-end crew fencing jewelry up into Canada. Now, Lasky kid caught a bad break. Cop was driving by just as he was ducking in a window. He did the time, no one else on his crew went down. Solid. :''[Saul stares off into space, not paying attention to what Mike is saying.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Saul learns that Jeff's friend, Buddy, bailed on one of their scams and confronts him in the garage behind Jeff's house.]'' :'''Saul''': You're kidding me! Absolutely kidding me! :'''Buddy''': I'm sorry, man. I couldn't do it. :'''Saul''': Do you know how much time, how much effort I put into finding the perfect mark?! I have to weed through all these saps who have wives and families at home! Find somebody who's alone, with money! And what—So you can just wimp out?! :'''Buddy''': The guy has cancer, man! I found pills in his pocket, okay? The same ones my dad took. For, like, pancreatic cancer. :'''Saul''': So a guy with cancer can't be an asshole? ''[chuckles]'' Believe me! I speak from experience! :'''Buddy''': I can't rip off a guy with cancer. I'm sorry. :'''Saul''': Do you know how many of the suckers we've ripped off had sob stories?! ''Every single one of them!'' Besides, it'll be ''months'' before they even realize they've been taken! This guy will already be dead! So please get back in your truck, go back to the house, and finish the job! :'''Buddy''': ''[beat]'' No, man. I can't do that! I can't! :'''Saul''': Alright, I get it! You'll get over it, okay? Please, believe me. Before you know it, you'll forget all about it. ''[softly]'' Go. :'''Buddy''': Look, we're doing really well, right? Hear me out, okay? I mean, we're rolling in cash! We can just let this one go! :'''Saul''': Not your call. :'''Buddy''': ''[sighs]'' Yeah, but I... I pulled the tape when I left! The door's locked! We couldn't get back in even if we wanted to! ''[Saul angrily slaps the top of Jeff's car]'' Jeff, come on, man! Back me up here! :'''Jeff''': Oh, well I... I don't know. I mean, I can see both sides kinda. :'''Saul''': You know what? Forget it, you're fired. Just go! Just give me the camera and go! :'''Buddy''': ''[hands Saul his camera]'' Fine. :'''Saul''': GOOD! Go, we don't need you! And I know I don't need to tell you this, but since you're such a goddamn amateur, I will anyway! Keep your mouth ''shut''. :''[Buddy gives Jeff one last glance before leaving the garage.]'' :'''Saul''': ''[to Jeff]'' If we're gonna do this, we should leave now. :'''Jeff''': ...We're really gonna go back there? :'''Saul''': What did I just say? Jeff, are you in or out?! === ''Waterworks'' [6.12] === :'''Kim:''' Kim Wexler. :'''Jimmy:''' Hey! Kim Wexler... You know who this is? :''[Kim remains silent.]'' :'''Jimmy:''' I'm gonna take that as a "yes". Uh, that receptionist of yours, is she the type to listen in? :'''Kim:''' No. :'''Jimmy:''' Good! Okay! So... How's Florida been treating you? I'm catching you between hurricanes, I hope. Kim? You there? :'''Kim:''' What do you want? :'''Jimmy:''' No, I don't... I don't want anything, I just-- It's been a while, y'know, I was just... I was thinking, it's been a while? And, uh... It might be nice to catch up! :'''Kim:''' Catch up? :'''Jimmy:''' Yeah, my mind was wandering this morning, just... Not thinking anything in particular, just random thoughts and bam, it suddenly occurred to me, it's been six years. I mean, Jesus. I-- I couldn't believe it! :''[Another long beat.]'' :'''Jimmy:''' I thought you might wanna... know I'm still alive. Yep. I'm still out here! Still getting away with it! Feds couldn't find their own ass with both hands and a proctologist. :'''Kim:''' You shouldn't be calling me. :'''Jimmy:''' Oh, hey! You're awake. :'''Kim:''' You shouldn't be calling! :'''Jimmy:''' Why not? What, am I tying up the line from important irrigation business? I mean, c'mon, Kim, say something. Hey, call me an asshole! Yell at me! Just-- let me know you still got a pulse. Just ''say'' something! :'''Kim:''' You want me to say something? :'''Jimmy:''' Yeah! :'''Kim:''' You should turn yourself in. :'''Jimmy:''' Do what? :'''Kim:''' You heard me. I don't know what kind of life you've been living, but it can't be much. :'''Jimmy:''' Said the pot to the kettle! What-- Y-- That is--! That is really rich, you-- ''you'' preaching to ''me?!'' See-- You have no idea what I did or didn't do, okay? And w-- Why don't you turn ''your''self in? Seeing as how ''you're'' the one with the guilty conscience, huh? What i-- What is stopping you, huh? Fring's in the ground. Mike's in the ground, Lalo's in the ground, apparently. Y-- You don't have to hold back on my account! They can only hang me once, so what-- So go ahead! Spill your guts, put on your hair shirt, see what it gets you! Why are-- Kim, why are we even talking about this? We're both too smart to throw our lives away for no reason, just... I just-- I only wanted to... Kim... Kim... Kim-- :'''Kim:''' I'm glad you're alive. :''[She hangs up.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cheryl Hamlin has just finished reading Kim's written confession, describing the events of Season 6 up to and including Howard's death.]'' :'''Cheryl:''' ...why? :'''Kim:''' He was... in the wrong place at the wrong time. :'''Cheryl:''' Where's his body? :'''Kim:''' I don't know. :'''Cheryl:''' And the police... will they search again? :'''Kim:''' They'll search. I don't think they'll find him. Cheryl, he-- It-- It all happened in an instant, and he didn't-- he didn't suffer. :'''Cheryl:''' "He didn't suffer?" The lies you two made up, the picture you painted... That's all he is now! That's all ''anybody'' remembers! :'''Kim:''' I wanna change that. :'''Cheryl:''' What happens now? Will you be tried? Will you go to jail? :'''Kim:''' I dunno. :'''Cheryl:''' You're a lawyer, right? You're a g- A ''great'' one, Howard said! How could you ''not know?'' :'''Kim:''' Burnham Legal County has my affidavit. It's up to the District Attorney whether to prosecute. And she may not :'''Cheryl:''' ''Why?'' :'''Kim:''' There's no physical evidence. No remaining witnesses other than my ex-husband, assuming he's still alive. :'''Cheryl:''' I could sue you in Civil Court, I could take everything you've got. :'''Kim:''' Yeah. :'''Cheryl:''' ...why are you doing this? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kim stands outside Saul's office, attempting to light a cigarette. The camera pans to reveal Jesse Pinkman leaning against a wall. He calls out to her:]'' :'''Jesse:''' Hey, yo... can I bum one of those? :''[Kim pauses before offering him the cigarette. Jesse takes it and she lights it for him.]'' :'''Jesse:''' Thanks. Mm. ''[He gestures towards the rain.]'' What's up with this shit? :'''Kim:''' Raining. :'''Jesse:''' Yeah. I dunno, it's... It's crazy! Like, bananas, all this rain. I mean, I thought we were, like, in a desert, y'know? :''[A long beat.]'' :'''Jesse:''' You're a lawyer, right? Yeah. I recognize you. You defended my buddy, Combo. Christian Ortega? Juvie Court? Little Baby Jesus? I mean, not like a ''real'' Baby Jesus, just, uh... Y'know, one of those things outside of the Church? :'''Kim:''' Nativity Scene. :'''Jesse:''' Yeah. :'''Kim:''' Knights of Columbus. :'''Jesse:''' I mean, what the ''hell'' did he even want that thing for? Huh? I mean, I-- I still don't know, ''dumbass''. I told him he could go to Hell for stealing something like that, I mean, but did he listen to me? No. But you... You got him off, like, scot-free, that... That was pretty slick, yo! :'''Kim:''' Well... Tell him I hope he's keeping his nose clean. :'''Jesse:''' Yeah, yeah. Right on. Absolutely. Ugh. Hey, so, you having all this expertise and all... This guy, Goodman... He the real deal? Like, lawyer-wise? :'''Kim:''' Why do you ask? :'''Jesse:''' I got a buddy in there who's facing some serious time. I mean, not... y'know, not Baby Jesus time, but... but serious, y'know, he needs top-shelf legal representation. And I tell him that, right? But, y'know, he sees this dude's commercials on TV, and this is where he wants to go... I mean, I tell him, "Yo... Emilio, y'know, a funny TV commercial's not a sound... basis for, like, y'know... I mean, like, would you go to a doctor to do an operation on you in, like, a... On, like your spleen, or whatever... All on the fact that there was a funny TV commercial? No. I mean, c'mon. How is this ''any'' different, y'know?" Anyways... This guy. Any good? :''[Kim throws her cigarette away.]'' :'''Kim:''' When I knew him, he was. :''[She pulls her hood up and runs out into the rain.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jimmy has just discovered Marion watching videos on the internet. He opens up her computer to find one of his old commercials playing, then re-shuts it.]'' :'''Jimmy:''' What's that? :'''Marion:''' ...you tell me. :'''Jimmy:''' Marion, do you think that's me? 'Cause it's not. :'''Marion:''' There never was a Nippy, was there? :'''Jimmy:''' What did Jeff tell you? :'''Marion:''' Oh, he didn't tell me anything. [[w:AskJeeves | AskJeeves]] told me. I typed in "conman" and "Albuquerque". And up you popped, big as day. :''[Marion reaches for her phone.]'' :'''Jimmy:''' What are you doing, Marion? :'''Marion:''' What do you think I'm doing? I'm calling the police. :'''Jimmy:''' Here. Let me help you with that. :''[Jimmy rips the phone line from the wall and backs Marion into a corner.]'' :'''Jimmy:''' Listen, I think we're losing sight of the bigger picture here, okay? Jeff is in trouble, and I wanna help him. He and I could sure use your support here! :'''Marion:''' What'd you get my son into?! :'''Jimmy:''' Nothing that he didn't ask for. :''[Jimmy shoves Marion's chair to the side and wraps the phone cord around his fists.]'' :'''Jimmy:''' Listen, I'm still the good friend you thought I was, okay? Jeff understands me! Buddy understands me! And you will, too. You just have to, uh... Y'know, keep things on an even keel, alright? :''[Marion pulls out her [[w:Life Alert Emergency Response | LifeAlert button]], threatening Jimmy with it as he closes in.]'' :'''Jimmy:''' What have you got there? Put that down. Put that down, Marion. Put it down. Do not do it, Marion. Final warning... :''[Jimmy takes it out of her grasp.]'' :'''Marion:''' I trusted you. :''[Jimmy holds on to the button for a few moments, guilt quickly setting in before he lets it go. Marion grasps the button again and presses it.]'' :'''Valerie:''' Marion? This is Valerie, with LifeAlert. Are you okay? :'''Marion:''' No, Valerie, I'm not okay! There's a criminal standing in my kitchen, threatening me -- he's a wanted man, and his name is Saul Goodman! :'''Valerie:''' Alright, Marion? I'm calling the police, I'm calling right now. :''[Jimmy sprints out of the kitchen and exits the house. Marion looks on in shock.]'' === ''Saul Gone'' [6.13] === == External links == {{wikipedia}} [[Category:Better Call Saul seasons]] [[Category:Split television seasons]] ny5nccy0hv73b4y6ljj7ky6v5filg6s 3152957 3152956 2022-08-09T17:21:02Z 75.35.55.63 /* Waterworks [6.12] */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} ---- :'''Season''' [[Better Call Saul (season 1)|1]] [[Better Call Saul (season 2)|2]] [[Better Call Saul (season 3)|3]] [[Better Call Saul (season 4)|4]] [[Better Call Saul (season 5)|5]] [[Better Call Saul (season 6)|6]] | [[Better Call Saul|'''Main''']] ---- The following is a list of quotes from the sixth season of ''[[Better Call Saul]]''. === ''[[w:Wine and Roses|Wine and Roses]]'' [6.01] === :''[Mike, Gus, and Tyrus gather in the office trailer at the Los Pollos Hermanos chicken farm to discuss the aftermath of the attempted hit on Lalo Salamanca.]'' :'''Gus:''' Tell me again about the ''sicario'' who made the final report. :'''Tyrus:''' He was already wounded when he talked to our cutout. Federales found him dead at the scene. But they got Salamanca. :'''Gus:''' The mercenaries are dead. To a man. And yet their mission was a success? :'''Mike:''' It has been known to happen. Now you go down there and get Varga, bring him home safe. There's ways to do it on the quiet. :''[Long pause; Gus and Tyrus both stare at him.]'' :'''Mike:''' ''[scoffs]'' ...Unless you already have something in the works. :''[Tyrus turns and exits the trailer. Mike and Gus speak alone.]'' :'''Gus:''' Speak your mind. :'''Mike:''' Loyalty goes both ways. Varga's done everything you asked him. :'''Gus:''' He wasn't given a choice. :'''Mike:''' Maybe so, but he played a tough game. And he played it on the square. :'''Gus:''' ...And? :'''Mike:''' When all is said and done, the kid deserves your respect. :'''Gus:''' He has it. Is there more you wish to say? :''[After a long pause, Mike exits the trailer.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jimmy and Kim have dinner at a diner; conversation turns to the Ford Taurus that Jimmy has rented.]'' :'''Jimmy:''' I rented us a car. It's the Ford. :'''Kim:''' So Saul Goodman drives a brown Ford Taurus? :'''Jimmy:''' Detroit calls that taupe, I believe. :'''Kim:''' Don't you think Saul Goodman would drive something with a little more... flair? :'''Jimmy:''' Such as? :'''Kim:''' I don't know. Definitely American-made. Something showy. And Saul Goodman has an office. Something eye-catching. Good location. :'''Jimmy:''' By the courthouse? :'''Kim:''' Yeah. A cathedral of justice. :'''Jimmy:''' ''Ooooh'', a cathedral of justice. Okay, yeah. :'''Kim:''' We should start looking for something for you. I mean, for Saul. :'''Jimmy:''' Sold. When do we start? <hr width="50%"/> :''[At the courthouse, Jimmy is confronted by the district attorney who prosecuted Lalo during his bail hearing]'' :'''ADA Khalil''': I've been calling you for two days. :'''Jimmy''': Oh, my girl's out sick. What can I do you for? :'''ADA Khalil''': Tomorrow morning, 10 A.M. :'''Jimmy''': Brunch? But just you and me, right? ''[points at Detective Roberts]'' I mean, won't the big fella here feel like a third wheel? :'''ADA Khalil''': You and I are meeting Parson in chambers. I am asking for an emergency hearing to alter the terms of De Guzman's release. :'''Jimmy''': Sounds like a blast. Unfortunately, I'm booked solid. :'''Detective Roberts''': I checked your client's place of residence. The address he gave, it's a Dairy Queen in Altamonte. The family that showed at the bail hearing can't be located. No driver's license, no tax rolls, no school records. Nothing. The fact is, there isn't a single Elizabeth McKinnon under the age of 73 living in New Mexico. :'''Jimmy''': Well, this is–this is surprising. :'''ADA Khalil''': Your client has disappeared, and I'm not waiting six weeks to start looking for him. :'''Jimmy''': Hey, my guy put up seven million in bail. You think he's just gonna walk away from that? :'''Detective Roberts''': Who comes up with seven million bucks in cash? :'''ADA Khalil''': You know what I think? I think the family was fake. ''[to Jimmy]'' And I think you knew it the whole time. :'''Jimmy''': Okay, hold up. Just get real for a second. The hearing didn't go your way, and now you're trying for a do-over? You say my guy ran, I say he's got seven million reasons for showing up when he's legally required to do so. So, no, I won't be... uh, due process window dressing at any crash meeting with Parson. And if you try throwing any of this crap around in front of the judge without my presence, here's an accusation: Prosecutorial misconduct. ''Career-ending'' prosecutorial misconduct! :'''Detective Roberts''': None of that changes the fact the guy's not who he said he was. :'''Jimmy''': No, no, no! Hold on! You guys got caught with your pants around your ankles, and somehow that's on me?! I don't think so! ''[points at ADA Khalil]'' You got two dozen lawyers up there! You got investigators—you got the whole damn police force—and it's ''my'' fault that you can't keep track of Lalo?! ''That is '''not''' my job!'' :'''ADA Khalil''': Lalo? Who's Lalo? :'''Jimmy''': What?! ''[blinks hard]'' What did I say... I meant De Guzman. I have more than one client! ''[chuckles]'' So... ''[clears throat]'' I will see you at the preliminary in six weeks as scheduled. Until then, I have clients who need me. :''[Jimmy walks into an empty courtroom and sits down while contemplating his slip-up]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jimmy takes a guided tour of the country club where Howard and Cliff are members, meeting with a tour guide named Norm in the main lounge.]'' :'''Norm:''' Hi, Norm Wakely. I understand you're in the market for a tour. :'''Jimmy:''' That's right. Saul Goodman. :'''Norm:''' Great to meet you, Mr. Goodman. :'''Jimmy:''' No please, call me Saul. :'''Norm:''' Great. So Saul, can I get you anything before we get started? The coffee here is just unbeatable. :'''Jimmy:''' Uh, well, I'm fine. I'm fully caffeinated. :''[Kevin Wachtell walks into the room and becomes upset upon seeing Jimmy in the lounge.]'' :'''Norm:''' Well Saul, you and I are standing on hallowed ground. Five presidents have played on our course, starting with Dwight D. Eisenhower. But the story goes back even further than that– :'''Kevin:''' ''Norm.'' :''[Jimmy and Norm turn toward Kevin.]'' :'''Kevin:''' Can I have a sec, please? :'''Jimmy:''' Kevin, hey. How's it going? :'''Norm:''' Uh, I'm sorry. I'm sure this will just be a moment. :''[Norm goes over to Kevin and talks to him for a few moments, clearly being instructed to remove Jimmy from the premises.]'' :'''Norm:''' Mr. Goodman. I'm so sorry, but I've just been reminded that in fact we have a two-year waiting list. :'''Jimmy:''' Two years, wow. Maybe I could go on the tour anyway. I mean, 'cause I'm here. Just in case. :'''Norm:''' Well unfortunately, we've suspended tours for the moment. :'''Jimmy:''' You're not even giving tours? :'''Norm:''' I apologize for the inconvenience. We–we'll be happy to call you if the situation changes. You left your number? :'''Jimmy:''' Uh-huh. :'''Norm:''' Well, we'll be in touch. If the situation changes. Again, I–I am sorry for your time and trouble. We just– ''[sighs]'' We had a few crosswires. :'''Jimmy:''' Well... okay then. :'''Norm:''' Thank you. :''[Jimmy is about the leave the lounge, but impulsively stops, turns around, and approaches Norm again.]'' :'''Jimmy:''' I'm sorry. :'''Norm:''' Oh, yes. :'''Jimmy:''' Um, just so I understand: you were going to give me a tour and then realized you don't need new members? :'''Norm:''' We have a waiting list. :'''Jimmy:''' Okay, but you're the membership director... :'''Norm:''' I know. :'''Jimmy:''' ...so you would have known that before. It doesn't really add up. I mean, I came in and everyone was rolling out the red carpet, and then all of a sudden something changed. I don't– :'''Norm:''' Mr. Goodman, I– :'''Jimmy:''' ''Goodman.'' The name. The second you heard it, everything turned on a dime. Wow. Waiting list? I think you're talking about an ''exclusion'' list. It's okay, I should have known. Because, I mean, look! ''[raises his voice and walks to the middle of the lounge, where everyone can see him]'' It's wall-to-wall mayonnaise in here! So listen, if you're going to be restrictive, have the courage to say so! :'''Norm:''' There's no question– :'''Jimmy:''' There it is, folks! Anti-Semitism, alive and well right here in Albuquerque! :'''Norm:''' Sir! We have many Jewish members! :'''Jimmy:''' Oh good. Well, you met your quota then. Gold star for you. :''[Kevin, flanked by two of his golf buddies, interjects.]'' :'''Kevin:''' Hold on. That's gotta be the biggest load of horse crap I've ever heard in my life. Go crawl back in your hole, McGill or Goodman – whatever you're calling yourself. What are you up to, anyway? Ginning up another one of your put-up job lawsuits? You two-faced, blackmailing, money-grubbing son of a bitch– :'''Jimmy:''' Money-grubbing! You're saying the quiet part out loud, I think. :'''Norm:''' Gentlemen, can we just keep the volume down? :'''Kevin:''' You know damn well that's not what I meant! :'''Jimmy:''' In this day and age, I'd hoped and prayed we'd be beyond this. :'''Kevin:''' You're about as Jewish as my Aunt Fannie! :'''Jimmy:''' Five-thousand years and it never ends! :''[Kevin tries to take a swing at Jimmy, but is held back by his golf buddies.]'' :'''Jimmy:''' ''Here it is! Violence! It always comes to this!'' :'''Norm:''' Mr. Wachtell, please! :'''Kevin's Buddy:''' Come on, Kev. :'''Kevin:''' ''[to Jimmy]'' You go to hell, you lying sack of shit. :''[Kevin and his golf buddies leave the lounge.]'' :'''Norm:''' Sir. Mr. Goodman, I don't know what to say. That is not– :'''Jimmy:''' I wouldn't be a member here. I wouldn't walk through those doors again after what happened to me here today. ''[feigns tears]'' Do you at least have a bathroom that I could use, seeing as how my– Stress like that is hell on my diverticulitis. :'''Norm:''' The men's locker room is the closest. It's straight through there. :'''Jimmy:''' And I would be allowed to go in there? :'''Norm:''' Yes, of course. :'''Jimmy:''' I want you to know I don't blame you personally. I know you were just following orders. ''[to everyone in the lounge]'' It's okay, folks! I'm leaving! All is well! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lalo is preparing to be smuggled across the border with a group of undocumented immigrants when he decides to call the Casa Tranquila Nursing Home and speak to Hector. A nurse holds a phone up to Hector's ear in the common room. Hector uses his bell to communicate.]'' :'''Lalo:''' ''[in Spanish]'' Uncle, can you hear me? Do you know my voice? :''[Hector visibly recognizes Lalo's voice.]'' :'''Hector:''' ''[rings bell twice]'' :'''Lalo:''' They told you about the attack, didn't they? :'''Hector:''' ''[rings once]'' :'''Lalo:''' Let them keep believing I'm dead. So much the better. It was the chicken man. That coward sat up there in the north while his paramilitaries came into my home. My home, Uncle! Screw Bolsa, screw Eladio. I'm coming north. I'm going to hurt him. Hurt him like you taught me. And then I will kill him. :'''Hector:''' ''[rings repeatedly in agreement]'' :'''Lalo:''' What is it? :''[The nurse takes the phone from Hector.]'' :'''Nurse:''' Hector? ''[to Lalo]'' Excuse me. I'm so sorry, but Hector seems a little upset. :'''Lalo:''' ''[in English]'' Yeah, sorry. Um, I'm just– I'm sharing a bit of family news, some good, some bad. Would you mind putting him back on? It will only be a minute. :'''Nurse:''' Of course. :''[The nurse again holds the phone to Hector's ear.]'' :'''Lalo:''' ''[in Spanish]'' Uncle? :'''Hector:''' ''[rings twice]'' :'''Lalo:''' What is it? Do you have another idea? :'''Hector:''' ''[rings twice]'' :'''Lalo:''' Okay, let's see. A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, Ñ, O, P– :'''Hector:''' ''[rings once]'' :'''Lalo:''' P? That's right? :'''Hector:''' ''[rings once]'' :'''Lalo:''' Okay. What's next? A, B, C, D... :''[Cut to the common room; Hector rings twice.]'' :'''Lalo:''' ...L, M, N, Ñ... :''[Cut to the common room; Hector rings once.]'' :'''Lalo:''' U? ''Prueba?'' :'''Hector:''' ''[rings once]'' :'''Lalo:''' Is that what you're saying? Proof? :'''Hector:''' ''[rings twice]'' :'''Lalo:''' Uncle, I don't have any proof. For months I was in the north watching him, following his men. There was nothing. :''[Lalo has a flash of realization.]'' :'''Lalo:''' Wait... There is proof. I know where to find it. Goodbye, Uncle. You will see me soon. === ''[[w:Carrot and Stick|Carrot and Stick]]'' [6.02] === :'''Jimmy''': "I was a hard worker. I was a company man. Twenty years, and I didn't miss a single day. They even gave me a plaque for it. ''[sighs]'' It was a gold plaque. Perfect attendance... But when they handed it to me, I wrenched my back. I was in so much pain, I couldn't do my job... ''[sighs again]'' which meant I couldn't put food on the table. I didn't want to sue... but with a family to support, what choice did I have?" :'''Kim''': Wait, who are you supposed to be again? :'''Jimmy''': Whatever. The backstory is just a placeholder. I'm gonna polish the script once we cast. :'''Kim''': But a personal injury suit? Best case scenario, that gets him in with an associate. :'''Jimmy''': ''[throws hands up]'' Mesothelioma. ''[clears his throat]'' "When I took that job down at the shoe factory, I had no idea I was risking my life. Now, I can't stop coughin'!" Right? Come on! Hey, a mesothelioma class-action built Clifford Main his vacation house. He hears "mesothelioma," his eyes pop! :'''Kim''': Well, sure. But then he takes the case. What happens when he asks for a medical evaluation? And how does Howard come up? :'''Jimmy''': Okay, ask me why I'm here. :'''Kim''': What brings you to Davis & Main today? :'''Jimmy''': "I'm sick. I'm really sick..." :'''Kim''': Good. :'''Jimmy''': "...and it's not mesothelioma, but it's not good. And I need a lawyer, and the pickings are slim. I already went to HHM. I met with their top guy, Howard Hamlin, and uh... Uhhh, I–I got a brother-in-law and he's got a pretty nasty coke habit, very similar energy. Just put me off. Anyway, I need a lawyer, blah-blah-blah." :'''Kim''': Okay, but you got a bad feeling from just one meeting? :'''Jimmy''': Yeah, I had the brother-in-law with the coke. :'''Kim''': Yeah, but you were only in the room with him once. :'''Jimmy''': Okay, so it's gotta be something with a history with Howard. :'''Kim''': Yeah. :'''Jimmy''': But Cliff has to want to take the meeting, but not the case. :'''Kim''': Right. :'''Jimmy''': ''[sighs]'' It's gotta be good, but not too good. :'''Kim''': Exactly. There's a sweet spot, you know. Like a magnet. We–we pull Cliff in, and then repel him. ''[beat]'' Oh! :'''Jimmy''': What? :'''Kim''': ''[sighs]'' You are going to ''hate'' this... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jimmy tracks down the Kettlemans to their shady tax preparation office and tries to rope them into his and Kim's plan to ruin Howard]'' :'''Betsy''': ''[to Jimmy]'' You've got some nerve coming here after what you did! ''[shoves Jimmy]'' ''Leave!'' Because of you, we lost ''everything!'' Our kids are in public school! So why don't you go crawl back under whatever slime-covered rock you came from and leave us the heck alone?! :'''Jimmy''': Okay, I sense some anger here, but that's–that's perfectly understandable. Since you brought it up, I came here today because I was curious if you two wanted your lives back. There's actually a legal term for it: Exoneration. :'''Craig''': Oh. You know, we actually did look into that. :'''Betsy''': Yep. :'''Craig''': We went to a number of lawyers, and— :'''Betsy''': ''Real'' lawyers. :'''Craig''': Yes. They were all terrific, but they said that it was impossible. :'''Betsy''': ''Mm-hmm''. :'''Jimmy''': Okay, but those lawyers don't know what I know. :'''Craig''': What's that? :'''Betsy''': No, Craig. He's got an angle. :'''Jimmy''': I ''do'' have an angle, Craig. It's an angle called justice. ''[Betsy scoffs and snickers]'' Let me put it this way: I think that within Craig's case, I have found the grounds for a civil suit. A big one. ''[pause; quietly]'' Big. :'''Betsy''': ''[long pause; looks at Craig]'' Okay, then. Let's hear it. :'''Jimmy''': Let's hold your horses, because we've been down this road before. [[w:Uno (Better Call Saul)|And the last time I gave you two advice, you went straight to the competition with it.]] ''[pulls out a piece of paper from inside his suit]'' So, I just need some assurances that all my hard work isn't gonna end up in the hands of, uh, Clifford Main or some other asshole at some pretentious high-pay, white-shoe law firm. So before we talk turkey, letters of engagement. :'''Craig''': Yes. :'''Jimmy''': Yeah, you remember these. I made some updates, just closed a few loopholes and whatnot. So... ''[holds out paper and pen]'' :'''Betsy''': ''[stops Craig from taking the pen]'' We're not signing anything. :'''Jimmy''': You have to sign if you want to know what I know. :'''Betsy''': ''We're not signing.'' :'''Jimmy''': Really? You're sure? :'''Betsy''': Yep. :'''Jimmy''': Craig? :'''Craig''': ''[looks at Betsy before shaking his head]'' Thanks anyway. :'''Jimmy''': ''[unclicks pen]'' Alright. Well, uh... Sorry we couldn't work something out. :'''Betsy''': I'm sure you are. :''[Jimmy overhears Betsy and Craig arguing as he walks around the trailer. He balls the pen in his fist]'' :'''Craig''': Mr. Goodman! :'''Jimmy''': ''[smiles; clicks pen and takes out letter]'' Best decision you've ever made. ''[turns his back to Craig for him to sign the letter]'' Here you go. :'''Betsy''': ''[after Craig signs the letter]'' So what do you know? :'''Jimmy''': You got one, too, Betsy. ''[holds out another letter]'' :''[Betsy snatches the pen and paper from Jimmy and signs the letter while pressing the pen hard on Jimmy's back]'' :'''Jimmy''': Oh, come on. That's not... ''Ow''. All right. Well, we're officially in business. Now, I have it on good authority here that Craig was not given proper counsel. :'''Betsy''': We already knew that. :'''Jimmy''': But did you ask yourselves why? :'''Craig''': No. Why? :'''Jimmy''': What if I told you that in your hour of need, the person who was supposed to be on your side was impaired? :'''Craig''': Impaired? :'''Jimmy''': It's a... a person of substance. ''[as Betsy and Craig talk to each other quietly]'' Substance in question being a certain illegal white powder. :'''Betsy''': That awful woman with the ponytail is a cocaine addict. :'''Jimmy''': No, not Kim Wexler! No! Craig's lead attorney, Howard Hamlin! :'''Craig''': Oh. I thought he was so... professional and energetic. Upbeat. :'''Betsy''': Oh... :'''Jimmy''': "Oh," is right. :'''Craig''': So upbeat is bad? :'''Jimmy''': In this case, it's textbook malpractice. The magic phrase is, "ineffective assistance of counsel." If your guy wasn't nose deep in the devil's dandruff, well, Craig's case would've turned out completely different. :'''Craig''': Oh, my God! :'''Betsy''': Don't we need some kind of proof? :'''Jimmy''': All the dirty laundry comes out in discovery. It’s just trips to rehab, secret drug deals. All we gotta do is get the ball rolling. So, I say we get started on your affidavits. :'''Craig''': Yes. :'''Betsy''': About that. We happen to know a thing or two about our rights, Mr. McGill. And it doesn’t matter what you force us to sign. We don’t have to work with any lawyer we don’t want. ''[gets in Jimmy's face]'' And that means... you’re fired. :'''Jimmy''': I am not fired. :'''Betsy''': Oh yes, you are! :'''Jimmy''': No! No! :'''Craig''': He’s fired? :'''Betsy''': Craig! :'''Jimmy''': No, you can’t fire me! I found this case, it’s mine! Hey, you wanna hear about rights?! The second you say where you got this information from, guess who automatically gets a cut?! ''Me! So go ahead! Go ahead, see what happens!'' :''[Jimmy pretends to be upset after the Kettlemans leave, but slowly starts smiling as he walks away]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Gus and Juan Bolsa visit Hector at Casa Tranquila to send their condolences, still believing that Lalo is dead. The dialogue is in Spanish.]'' :'''Bolsa''': He wishes to make amends. At least hear him out. :'''Gus''': Don Hector. It's no secret that I did not see eye to eye with your nephew. And while the friction between your family and myself did not start with him, today I am reminded we are all Eladio's men. No matter our disagreements, a strike against one is a strike against all. I hope you will accept my condolences and my support as you navigate this terrible loss. :'''Bolsa''': Gustavo speaks the truth. In this matter, he and I both stand shoulder to shoulder behind the Salamanca family. We are still looking for the traitor, Ignacio Varga. ''[places hand on Hector's shoulder]'' We will find him. And then your family will have justice. :''[Hector slowly reaches his hand out to Gus. As Gus holds his hand, he notices a change of expression on Hector's face and stares at him. Cut to outside the nursing home.]'' :'''Bolsa''': ''[to Gus in English]'' We'll be in touch. :''[Gus calls Mike on his cell phone after Bolsa drives away]'' :'''Mike''': What did you learn? :'''Gus''': Lalo Salamanca lives. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jimmy gets a call from Betsy Kettleman after she finds out there was no case against Howard]'' :'''Jimmy''': Saul Goodman, speedy justice for you. Oh, wait! Okay, just take a breath, and then we can... Okay, okay. I can tell you're upset. Just... I–I never advised that. No. ''[sighs]'' No, I did not, so let's agree to disagree. ''[pause]'' Okay, I think you're going to want to meet in person before you do anything rash. So how about–how about we meet up, and we can hash this out. ''[pause]'' Yeah, sure! Tomorrow, first thing. Uh, 9 A.M, I can come to your office. That work? ...Okay, okay! Good! ''[hangs up]'' :'''Kim''': I'm surprised it took them this long. You, uh... You're gonna use the stick, right? :'''Jimmy''': The stick? Well, it's a big stick. But I know these people, they're more carrot types. Especially her. ''[takes out cash and puts the bills in his suit pocket]'' Spoonful of sugar, you know? :'''Kim''': ''[beat]'' I think maybe I'll come, too. :'''Jimmy''': Tomorrow? Really? :'''Kim''': Sure. I have time. :'''Jimmy''': ''[pause]'' Okay. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tyrus''': They found the truck, but no sign of Varga. Salamancas have all eyes looking for him, including the federales. Still not picking up his cell, so nobody got a lock on it. Now as for Lalo, still missing. As far as everybody in the cartel is concerned, top to bottom, Lalo is dead. :'''Mike''': May I offer a thought? ''[pause; to Gus]'' If Salamanca was coming straight for you, he'd be here already. We've got guys watching anywhere he might turn up this side of Mexico. Wire taps on any phone he might call. There is not a whiff of him. Now, my guess is he's smart enough to know it's not in the Salamanca family interest to take you out without a reason the bosses can get behind. So, the odds are he's searching for Varga. Finds him alive, gets him to talk. ''[pause; Gus remains silent]'' Varga's alone in foreign territory, no one he can trust. The kid's smart, but he's not gonna last. ''[Gus stands up]'' He's gonna get caught. :''[Gus accidentally knocks a glass over and kneels down to pick up the shards from the floor]'' :'''Gus''': Continue. :'''Mike''': The best way to handle this: I take four of our best guys, cross the border and track Varga down. Let me find him, bring him back before the Salamancas sweep him up. It's our only play. :''[After cleaning up the broken glass, Gus throws it away and looks out a nearby window]'' :'''Gus''': ''[beat; in Spanish]'' Varga's father. Bring him here. :'''Mike''': No. You're not doing that. ''[locks the door after Tyrus gets his gun out]'' You don't understand. That's not happening. :'''Tyrus''': ''[walks up to Mike and aims gun at him]'' Just say the word. :'''Mike''': Whatever happens next... it's not gonna go down the way you think it is. :''[Mike stares at Tyrus, who cocks his gun and waits for Mike to make a move.]'' :'''Mike''': ''[beat; hears cell phone vibrating]'' It's him. :'''Tyrus''': Bullshit. I've been calling Varga for hours. He hasn't picked up once. :'''Mike''': He's been trying to get me since he left the Salamancas. ''[opens phone]'' You want me to answer it? :''[Tyrus turns to Gus, who nods. Mike answers the phone and speaks to Nacho]'' :'''Mike''': Yeah. ''[pause]'' Yeah. ...Not my call. ''[pause]'' That's up to you. ''[to Gus]'' He wants to talk to you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Betsy:''' You used us &ndash; us and our good name &ndash; to character-assassinate Howard Hamlin. Somehow, some way, it benefits you to tear him down. :'''Craig:''' Yeah. And we're&ndash;we're mad. :'''Jimmy:''' Okay, yeah. I'm hearing a lot of unfounded accusations being tossed around. I don't know anything about schemes or character assassination or whatnot, but... ''[clears throat]'' if you're feeling slighted, we can make it right. ''[Jimmy hands Betsy a bundle of cash]'' :'''Betsy:''' Money? ''[scoffs]'' Money's not gonna take care of this. :'''Jimmy:''' Money takes care of everything. Isn't that the motto stitched onto the Kettleman family crest? :'''Betsy:''' We don't want money. :'''Jimmy:''' I am non-plussed. I'm guessing you want something. :'''Betsy:''' Do what you promised. :'''Jimmy:''' Do what I what? :'''Betsy:''' Exonerate Craig. Get his good name back. :'''Jimmy:''' Alright. Well, as you've been advised, for a number of reasons that's not gonna happen. :'''Betsy:''' It ''is'' gonna happen. It is. It's... You're just gonna have to figure out a way. :'''Craig:''' If anyone can do this, it's you. :'''Betsy:''' I know you don't want us going to Howard Hamlin. Because whatever it is you're up to, I'm sure he would be ''very'' interested. :'''Jimmy:''' Okay, let's just go easy on the threats. :'''Betsy:''' We want our lives back! The way they were before. ''Before.'' We lost everything! And we don't deserve any of this. :'''Kim:''' Okay. Enough carrot. ''[clears throat]'' :''[Kim turns to the home phone next to her and begins to dial]'' :'''Craig:''' Dial 9 to get out. :'''Kim:''' Oh, thank you. :'''Betsy:''' ''[whispering; to Craig]'' We didn't give her permission to use the phone. :'''Craig:''' ''[whispering; to Betsy]'' She needs to use the phone. :'''Jimmy:''' Kim... ? :''[The line connects; Kim speaks through the phone's speaker]'' :'''Receptionist:''' Internal Revenue Service, Albuquerque. :'''Kim:''' Hi. Could you put me through to Justin Stangel in Criminal Investigations? :'''Receptionist:''' One moment, please. :'''Betsy:''' ''[to Kim]'' What are you doing? Excuse me! :'''Justin:''' This is Justin. :'''Kim:''' Justin, Kim Wexler. How are you? :'''Justin:''' Hey, Kim. Good to hear from you. :'''Kim:''' How are Noreen and the boys? :'''Justin:''' Oh, hanging in. Noreen always talks about having you by for dinner some time. :'''Kim:''' We should do that. Tell her to call me. Listen, I was wondering who your CID officer is these days. :'''Justin:''' You have something for us? :'''Kim:''' Oh, I just might: Tax preparer fraud. A lot of it. :'''Justin:''' I'm listening. :'''Kim:''' Well, it's this, uh, run-down little mom-and-pop outfit I've had my eye on for a while. ''[chuckles]'' Don't ask me why. Clearly, I need to get a life. But from what I can glean, their clients always end up with smaller refunds than they deserve. :'''Betsy:''' ''[whispering]'' Please don't do this. :'''Justin:''' Do the clients sign over third-party authorization? :'''Kim:''' Bingo. So what I'm thinking is, these creeps file legit returns with you guys, give the clients fake ones that show about half the proper amount, and then pocket the difference. :'''Justin:''' Classic scam. Well, I know just the guy to go after these dirtbags. Tony Oropallo. Real bulldog. I'll transfer you over. :'''Kim:''' Such a big help, Justin. :'''Justin:''' You got it. Talk soon. :'''Betsy:''' You don't have to do this. :'''Kim:''' ''[to Betsy]'' Don't I? Betsy... You'll probably get twenty-four months, maybe eighteen with good behavior. But Craig? You are a two-time loser. They will definitely make an example out of you. Each false return they discover will be a separate felony. What are we talking? A hundred? :'''Betsy:''' Uh... :'''Kim:''' Two-hundred? :'''Tony:''' ''[beat]'' CID, Anthony Oropallo speaking. :''[Betsy runs to the phone and slams down the receiver to end the call]'' :'''Betsy:''' Please. We'll do anything. Just tell us. :'''Kim:''' ''[beat]'' Why would I believe ''you?'' Huh? :'''Craig:''' Please. :'''Kim:''' ''[long pause]'' First. First, you contact every person you've ripped off. Tell them you made an accounting error, tell them you're crooks who had a change of heart, I don't care. Give them what they are legally owed. Everything you stole. And then after that, you're going to forget you ever heard the name Howard Hamlin. I'm keeping my eye on both of you. You think you've lost everything? ''You have no idea.'' :''[Kim leaves the room with Jimmy while the Kettlemans stand shellshocked, on the verge of tears]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jimmy:''' [[w:Inflatable (Better Call Saul)|Wolves and sheep]]. :'''Kim:''' Huh? :'''Jimmy:''' ...Nothing. === ''[[w:Rock and Hard Place|Rock and Hard Place]]'' [6.03] === :''[Nacho calls his father from an auto shop while on the run]'' :'''Manuel''': A-to-Z Fine Upholstery. Hello? :'''Nacho''': Dad. It's me. :'''Manuel''': Nacho? :'''Nacho''': ''Si'', Papa. ''Hola''. :'''Manuel''': ''[sighs]'' ''Hola, hijo.'' ''[in Spanish]'' How are you? :'''Nacho''': ''[in Spanish]'' Good, good. Um... just wanted to hear your voice. :'''Manuel''': Nacho, where are you? You sound strange. :''[pause]'' :'''Nacho''': It's not important.... I was just checking in, that's all. :'''Manuel''': Okay. ''Hijo'', I have lots of work to do. We've been through this, so many times. You know what you have to do... go to the police. :'''Nacho''': Yes, Papa. I understand... I hear you. :''[pause]'' :'''Manuel''': What else is there to say? Hmm? Goodbye, ''hijo''. :'''Nacho''': ''[choked up]'' Goodbye, Papa. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Nacho calls Mike at an auto repair shop in Mexico while on the run from the Salamancas]'' :'''Mike''': Yeah. :'''Nacho''': It's me. :'''Mike''': Yeah. :'''Nacho''': You knew. You knew that I was going to Mexico to die, that I was never supposed to make it out of that motel. And you let it happen. :'''Mike''': Not my call. :'''Nacho''': What happens now? :'''Mike''': That's up to you. :'''Nacho''': Is that bastard with you? Put him on. :'''Mike''': Hmm. ''[to Gus]'' He wants to talk to you. :'''Gus''': ''[takes cell phone from Mike; to Nacho]'' Yes. :'''Nacho''': You are screwed. ''[pause]'' You want the cartel to blame me for Lalo. But if they catch me, and make me talk? ''Ooh...'' That is not good for you, is it? Even if I disappear, everyone's gonna smell your stink all over it. The only way that this works for you is with me dead. ''[beat]'' Alright. Whatever bullshit way you want the story to go, I will make it go. But... I need one thing. :'''Gus''': Yes? :'''Nacho''': My dad. I need to know that he will be safe. :'''Gus''': If you are true to your word, there will be no reason for anyone to harm your father. :'''Nacho''': ''You'' are not the one that I need to hear it from. :''[Gus puts the phone on speaker so Mike can speak to Nacho]'' :'''Mike''': Your dad's gonna be okay. :'''Nacho''': How do you know? :'''Mike''': Because anyone who goes after him is gonna have to come through me. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jimmy and Huell sit in a car; Jimmy pays Huell for duplicating the keys to Howard's Jaguar]'' :'''Huell:''' Can I ask you sum'n? :'''Jimmy:''' Sure, go ahead. :'''Huell:''' Personal, kind of. :'''Jimmy:''' Okay. What? :'''Huell:''' You're a lawyer. You make good money, right? :'''Jimmy:''' Good days and bad, but yeah. :'''Huell:''' Legit money, on the level. :'''Jimmy:''' Yeah, so? :'''Huell:''' Your wife's a lawyer. A legit lawyer. :'''Jimmy:''' Yeah. :'''Huell:''' Why you do all this? :'''Jimmy:''' Oh, I got you. I&ndash;I know from the outside that this looks like just another scam, but you're not seeing the bigger picture. Couple months from now, there are people whose lives are gonna be way better. Because of this. We're making a real difference. Trust me. We're doing the Lord's work here. :'''Huell:''' ''Hmph''. If you say so. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jimmy''': What's going on? :'''Kim''': I have news, Jimmy. Lalo is dead. :'''Jimmy''': ''[exhales deeply]'' Holy shit. :'''Kim''': The DA's office put it together that Lalo was calling himself De Guzman. They are pretty upset they let him go. :'''Jimmy''': I'll bet they are. :'''Kim''': Ericsen seems to think that if Lalo lied to you and you didn't know about the pseudonym, that you could break confidentiality. She wants you to talk. She says it's right. :'''Jimmy''': Well, what do you think we should do? :'''Kim''': You... should do whatever you want, Jimmy. They don't have anything on you. It's just a fishing expedition to see if you bite. :'''Jimmy''': ''[pause]'' You think I should do it? :'''Kim''': It depends. :'''Jimmy''': On what? :'''Kim''': Well... ''[sighs]'' I guess it's basically... Do you want to be a friend of the cartel or... do you want to be a rat? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Nacho is driven to a remote location with Gus, Tyrus and Victor. There they meet Juan Bolsa, Hector Salamanca, and the Cousins. Bolsa kneels next to Nacho.]'' :'''Bolsa:''' Today, you are going to die. But there are good deaths, and there are bad deaths. Tell me what I need to know, I'll see that your death is a good one. Who put you up to this? :''[Nacho glances at Gus, as if he's about to turn on him]'' :'''Bolsa:''' One last chance. ''Who?'' ''[long pause; scoffs and gets up to leave]'' :'''Nacho:''' It was Alvarez. Los Odios, out of Peru. They paid me to set up your nephew. And I did. :''[Hector furiously rings his bell and attempts to point to Gus, who he knows is the real culprit]'' :'''Bolsa:''' Alvarez, we know. Los Odios, we know. Was anyone else involved? :'''Nacho:''' ''[scoffs; nods to Gus]'' Him? You think the chicken man? ''Heh.'' What a joke. Alvarez has been paying me for years &ndash; ''years''. ''[to the Salamancas]'' But you know what? I would have done it for free. Because I hate every last one of you psycho sacks of shit. I opened Lalo's gate, and I would do it again. And I'm glad what they did to him. He's a soulless pig, and I wished I'd killed him with my own hands. And you know what else, Hector? I put you in that chair. Oh, yeah. Your heart meds? I switched them for sugar pills. You were dead and buried, and I had to watch ''this'' asshole... ''[gestures to Gus]'' ...bring you back. So when you are sitting in your shitty nursing home and you're sucking down on your Jell-O night after night for the rest of your life, ''you think of '''me,''' you twisted fuck.'' === ''[[w:Hit and Run (Better Call Saul)|Hit and Run]]'' [6.04] === :'''Jimmy:''' What kind of asshole moves a cone?! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jimmy''': So, I pull the Jag into the loading zone. And I start scrappin' with this hunk of metal. It was in deep—like, "down a well" deep—so I just... wrassled it! UGH! ''[Kim laughs hysterically]'' Like a freakin' bear, and I jam it in the dirt in front of the Jag! Boom! Barely made it out of there with the skin of my teeth. ''Who moves cones?'' Who does that? :'''Kim''': Narcissists. :'''Jimmy''': Heh, you're damn right. So you think Cliff really bought it, huh? :'''Kim''': One hundred percent! You should've seen his face. It landed, trust me. God, it was... beautiful. ''[pause]'' Oh, and that is not all. :'''Jimmy''': Spill. :'''Kim''': So... I'm doing the stall. I'm telling Cliff what I'm doing—what I wanna be doing. All I'm thinking is, I gotta stretch this out until you get there, but then... I don't know. I... kinda got caught up in it, and then... Cliff went for it. I mean, like, ''really'' went for it. :'''Jimmy''': What does that mean? Like, money? :'''Kim''': I don't think he'll write a check himself, but he knows people. And I think he'll deliver. :'''Jimmy''': You're kidding! :'''Kim''': I know! How great is that? :'''Jimmy''': This is unbelievable. ''[Kim laughs]'' Are we on a roll, or are we on a roll? Jeez! :'''Kim''': ''[beat]'' You ever feel like you're being followed? ''[pause]'' When I dropped Wendy off at the motel, she thought she was being watched by some undercover cops. But then when I drove away... that same car was behind ''me.'' Right after I spotted them, they disappeared. :'''Jimmy''': Well, you know what they say: The wicked flee where no man pursueth. :'''Kim''': ...You think we're wicked? :'''Jimmy''': No. What? ''[chuckles]'' It's just a turn of phrase. I think you're wicked hot. ''[pause]'' Alright. Listen to the voice of experience, okay? You know why you're feeling like this? Because we got away with it. It seems too good to be true, but trust me. Nobody is following you. ''[takes Kim's hand]'' No one knows what we're doing except for us. Okay? :'''Kim''': ''[pause]'' Okay. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jimmy confronts Bill Oakley at the courthouse when he notices his colleagues' cold treatment of him]'' :'''Jimmy''': What the hell is going on?! How come everyone's treating me like I'm covered in oozing pus sores? :'''Bill''': I liked you better when you were just a regular bottom feeder. But this? :'''Jimmy''': This? What is, "this?" :'''Bill''': I understand advocating for your client. Deep in my heart, I get it. But you scammed the court. You scammed the judge, and for what? To get a murdering cartel psychopath back out on the street? It's just... wrong. :'''Jimmy''': That's a lot of big talk, Bill. Prove it. Prove it, Bill! :'''Bill''': There's proving, and then there's knowing. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': They're gone. :'''Kim''': I'm sorry? :'''Mike''': The two men that were following you. They're gone. :'''Kim''': Do I know you? :'''Mike''': Would you mind sitting for a moment, and I will answer any questions I can. ''[pause; Kim sits down next to Mike]'' I have men watching you and your husband. I'm not with the police, and as far as I know, they're not investigating either of you. I ''do'' know that you've been up to a few things that you probably would rather keep private. I don't care. That's not what this is about. I'm trying to solve a problem of my own. :'''Kim''': What problem? :'''Mike''': Lalo Salamanca. :'''Kim''': Lalo Salamanca's dead. ''[beat; Mike says nothing and stares at Kim]'' He... isn't. :'''Mike''': We're watching anyone he might contact. That includes you and your husband. Most likely, he'll never reach out. He's got bigger fish to fry. But in the thousand to one chance that he does... :'''Kim''': And who do you work for? :'''Mike''': I said I would answer anything I can. :'''Kim''': ''[long pause]'' [[w:Bagman (Better Call Saul)|You're the guy from the desert]]. The one who was out there with Jimmy. Why are you telling me this and not him? :'''Mike''': Because I think you're made of sterner stuff. ''[pause; gets up]'' Alright. Now here's what's best for everyone. You spot my guys again—which I'm hoping you won't—let them go about their business. Just pretend they're not there. And pretty soon, they won't be. You and your husband just... go on living your lives. ''[starts to leave]'' :'''Kim''': I do know you. You worked in the parking booth at the courthouse. ''[pause]'' You were the attendant. :'''Mike''': ...I was. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kim meets Jimmy at a strip mall where an office space is available for lease]'' :'''Kim''': What are we doing here? :'''Jimmy''': Take a look. What do you think? :'''Kim''': About what? :'''Jimmy''': My new office. Potentially. Come on. :''[They both peer through the storefront windows of the office, which is empty except for a lone toilet]'' :'''Kim''': Huh. :'''Jimmy''': Mrs. Nguyen kicked me to the curb. :'''Kim''': What? Why? :'''Jimmy''': It's a long story, but upshot is she wants me out of there with extreme prejudice. :'''Kim''': Wow. Bad day, huh? :'''Jimmy''': Well, no. It was a... great day. With actual paying clients. The word is out! People were throwing cash retainers at me just to say Saul Goodman is their lawyer. :'''Kim''': Because of who you represented. :'''Jimmy''': Well, I mean, that's part of it. But the bottom line is I need a new place for new business pronto. Now, this place is a shithole, but the price is right. And I think I can talk the landlord into a month-to-month. So, it's temporary until I find something better. ''[sighs; pause]'' Hey. What do you think? :'''Kim''': ''[beat]'' It's small. It's... dirty. And this whole place smells funny. ''[pause]'' But the courthouse is five blocks away. You can't get to MDC without driving past. Parking is good, bail bond row isn't far, and uh... Taco Cabeza is just around the corner. Might be a diamond in the rough. Just promise me... you won't move the toilet. :'''Jimmy''': ''[chuckles]'' There it is. Alright. Uh... speaking of Taco Cabeza. :'''Kim''': I'm starving. Let's do it. === ''[[w:Black and Blue (Better Call Saul)|Black and Blue]]'' [6.05] === :''[Cliff informs Howard about witnessing Jimmy throw Wendy out of Howard's car]'' :'''Howard:''' I threw a woman out of my car? In the middle of the street? And I&ndash;''zip''&ndash;I just drive right past you? I... That's what you're saying? I-I-I don't even... I don't know how to respond to that. :'''Cliff:''' I'm not asking you to respond. I just need you to know that ''I'' know. :'''Howard:''' It wasn't me, Cliff. Whoever you think you saw&ndash; :'''Cliff:''' Yeah, sorry, but that's the kind of thing my son used to say. It was your Jaguar, your "Namaste" plate. It was you! Howard, there's no harm in asking for help. You got a lot of people in your corner. :'''Howard:''' So there's the-the baggie at the county club. :'''Cliff:''' Yes. :'''Howard:''' After that, some clients&ndash;who you can't name because of privilege&ndash;make insinuations. Then on Thursday, you have a business meeting and you witness a Jaguar speeding past. ''[beat]'' Who were you meeting with? :'''Cliff:''' Not sure why that's germaine, but... Kim Wexler. She came to me for career advice. :''[Howard's face becomes awash with realization]'' :'''Howard:''' ''Mmm.'' All right. ''[pause]'' Okay. ''[takes out his cell phone]'' Of course. ''[scoffs]'' Of course. ''[to Cliff]'' Cliff, I know this wasn't easy for you. You came to me as a friend. I appreciate it. :'''Cliff:''' You can start today, Howard. :'''Howard:''' Oh, I will. Because you're right, I ''do'' have a problem. Just not the problem you think. I have a Jimmy McGill problem. :'''Cliff:''' Jimmy McGill?! :'''Howard:''' You'll have to excuse me. :'''Cliff:''' Howard! :'''Howard:''' ''[to his secretary on the phone]'' Julie. Cancel my week. Yes, my whole week. :'''Cliff:''' Howard! :''[Howard climbs into his Jaguar and drives away]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jimmy walks into a boxing club and sees Howard, who pretended to be a potential client named "Mr. Ward"]'' :'''Howard''': Hello, Jimmy. :'''Jimmy''': Mr. Ward, I presume. As in... H.O. Ward. That is really cute, Howard. So, wait. That means that you're the guy who shanked some dude in a rumble near Central Pen. ''[sighs]'' That's—that's very street of you. :'''Howard''': I thought it sounded like a Saul Goodman kind of case. :'''Jimmy''': ...Alright, so what are we doing here? :'''Howard''': I'm tired, Jimmy. You and me, us. I'm tired of this. Aren't you? It's exhausting. ''[points at boxing ring behind him]'' Let's punch it out. :'''Jimmy''': ''[chuckles]'' Are you kidding? :'''Howard''': Dead serious. Hoping you might get it out of your system. Do I think it'll work? ''[shrugs]'' I don't know. Call it a Hail Mary. I have the gear, I rented the ring. It's just you and me... ''[points at the man standing behind Jimmy]'' and Macky to ref. :'''Jimmy''': ''[pause]'' I am sorry, but have you lost your mind? :'''Howard''': Actually, I'm as clear-headed as I've ever been in my life. You didn't even try to hide your tracks. The baggie of drugs at the country club, the clients you sent to discredit me, ''another'' prostitute. :'''Jimmy''': Okay, once again as usual, I— :'''Howard''': Please. I could go on. All roads lead back to you. It's Psych 101. You want to get caught. :'''Jimmy''': So what? Is this like pistols at dawn? :'''Howard''': I'm trying to give you what you want. :'''Jimmy''': What I want? I don't... I think this is what ''you'' want. You wanna beat the shit out of me? Legally? :'''Howard''': I think you can hold up your end. You must've gotten into a few good scrapes in your old neighborhood. :'''Jimmy''': Yeah, right. I could've been a contender. :'''Howard''': Indulge me. Let's see what we see. :'''Jimmy''': ''[pause; smiles]'' Thanks for the laughs. ''[chuckles]'' "Mr. Ward." :''[Jimmy laughs and starts to walk out, but stops. He and Howard are seen suited up with boxing gloves as they begin their fight. They both land a few punches on each other, but Howard eventually knocks Jimmy down]'' :'''Howard''': ''[to Jimmy]'' You've mistaken my kindness for weakness. I like to think that tonight made a difference. I like to think that this ends it. ''[pause; shakes his head]'' Probably not. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jimmy''': I should've left Howard standing there like a yutz. Instead I let him suck me into his game. Why did I do that? :'''Kim''': You had your reasons. :'''Jimmy''': I did? Like what? :'''Kim''': Because... you know. :'''Jimmy''': I know...? :'''Kim''': ''[holds Jimmy's hand]'' You know what's coming next. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lalo has travelled to Germany using an alias, and meets Margarethe, Werner's widow, at a bar]'' :'''Margarethe''': I knew his work was dangerous. I never imagined such a thing, but... I suppose I try not to. :'''Lalo''': That is terrible. What kind of accident was it? :'''Margarethe''': A cave-in. :'''Lalo''': Cave-in? :'''Margarethe''': He was able to save his men. He got them out, but then... the structure collapsed. :'''Lalo''': So your husband was a hero. :'''Margarethe''': ''[smiles]'' He would never accept that. My Werner was too humble. :'''Lalo''': ...And what were they building there? :'''Margarethe''': My husband didn't talk much about his work. It was very secretive. :'''Lalo''': Oh... I'm sure he must have told you something. :'''Margarethe''': The lawyers came to my house. I asked questions, they wouldn't say much. :'''Lalo''': ''[shakes his head]'' Lawyers. :'''Margarethe''': They went through Werner's things. Took anything that they called, uh... Oh, how do you say it? ''[pause]'' Proprietary? I'm sorry, my English is— :'''Lalo''': Oh, it's excellent. :'''Margarethe''': I didn't care about it. All the boxes of folders, his papers. Why do I need all that stuff? :'''Lalo''': And what about your husband's men? I mean, they must have said something to you. :'''Margarethe''': Werner loved ''deine jungs''—his boys—but I never even met them. :'''Lalo''': What do you mean? Not even at the funeral? :'''Margarethe''': You'd think they would want to pay respect to the man who saved their lives. They sent flowers, keepsakes, and so on... but not one of them showed his face. :'''Lalo''': Wow. That is... ''[sighs]'' It's just not right. === ''[[w:Axe and Grind | Axe and Grind]]'' [6.06] === :''[Casper, one of Werner's former workers, spots Lalo approaching his home while chopping wood]'' :'''Lalo''': ''Guten tag!'' :'''Casper''': ''Guten tag.'' ''[in German]'' This is private property. Who are you looking for? Are you lost? :'''Lalo''': ''[in English]'' Yeah, sorry. I don't speak any German! :'''Casper''': ''[in English]'' Are you lost? :'''Lalo''': It's a beautiful place you have here. The air, it's just so... ''fresh!'' :'''Casper''': ...Do I know you? :'''Lalo''': Well, I don't think we've ''officially'' met- :''[Casper grabs his axe and runs inside a nearby wooden shed while Lalo draws his gun. Lalo searches when he's suddenly dropped by a blow from Casper]'' :'''Casper''': Who are you?! '''''Who are you?!''''' :'''Lalo''': ''[strained]'' Ed-Eduardo... Salamanca! I'm not here for you... This is about Fring. Guh- I want to know... I want to know what he's building. :'''Casper''': How did you find me? :'''Lalo''': Ma- Marga... M-Margarethe Z-Ziegler. :'''Casper''': What have you done to her?! :'''Lalo''': Nothing, nothing. You sent her a gi- a gift. ''[pulls out a business card and shows it to Casper]'' :'''Casper''': ''Was ist das?'' :''[Lalo's hidden a razor blade behind the card. He springs up and cuts Casper's face, then grabs his axe and cuts his foot off]'' :'''Lalo''': ''[cheerfully] Carajo!'' I think you broke one of my ribs! ''[tosses Casper his belt]'' Here. Tie that off... before you bleed to death. ''You and I are gonna have a '''talk.''''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jimmy''': Holy shit! The Jackson Mercer Foundation, that's like... the good housekeeping seal of approval. :'''Kim''': Well, it's not a done deal. Some of the foundation board members are flying in next week to meet the lieutenant governor at a luncheon in Santa Fe, so... they are inviting a select group of people with... Cliff called them, "up-and-coming organizations," and uh... Yeah. Cliff thinks I have a good shot. :'''Jimmy''': A good shot? You have more than a shot! They are gonna love you on sight! :'''Kim''': The only thing is the lunch is on D-Day. :'''Jimmy''': So, what? That's—You don't have to be there on the day! Was Eisenhower on Omaha Beach? No. Kim, this is great, right? It's ''huge!'' :'''Kim''': ...It is pretty great! ''[laughs]'' :'''Jimmy''': Kim, this is fantastic! ''[kisses Kim]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jimmy has Francesca call HHM and pose as a relative of a Sandpiper resident to get details about the upcoming mediation]'' :'''Jimmy''': What is the hold up? :'''Francesca''': I just... I don't know if I'm comfortable. Is this even legal? :'''Jimmy''': I'm sorry, which one of us went to law school? Because I can stand here and go through the ins and outs of what's quote-unquote legal with you, but we're on the clock. :'''Francesca''': I just don't— :'''Jimmy''': Francesca, let's get something straight, okay? We can't be holding a graduate seminar in constitutional law every time I give you something to do. :'''Francesca''': But I—I'm not sure if— :'''Jimmy''': You know what I'm paying you? It is above market. To whom much is given, much is expected! ''[takes out cell phone and starts dialing a number]'' :'''Francesca''': We're not gonna make a habit of this? :'''Jimmy''': Of course not! Absolutely not. No, no, no. ''[gives phone to Francesca]'' Put it on speaker and let me... ''[moves closer]'' :'''HHM Employee #1''': Hamlin Hamlin McGill. :'''Francesca''': Hi... there. I'm calling because my—my mother is... is—Well, I guess she's a—a client of yours. She lives in, uh, Sandpiper Assisted Living. :'''HHM Employee #1''': Sandpiper, of course. Let me transfer you. :'''Jimmy''': ''[to Francesca while she's on hold]'' It's just a phone call. :'''HHM Employee #2''': Good afternoon. Do you have a question about the Sandpiper case? :'''Francesca''': ''[waits for Jimmy to nod]'' Yes. My mother's out of the facility in Amarillo. Says she's supposed to call in to some meeting on Thursday? :'''HHM Employee #2''': Yes, you're talking about the mediation? :'''Francesca''': That's it. The thing is, she's lost her dial-in instructions. ''[sighs nervously]'' I'm just looking everywhere and can't find them. :'''HHM Employee #2''': I'd be happy to help you with that. It's very important to us that all the class members are fully looked in. What's your mother's name? :'''Francesca''': ''[Tells name mouthed by Jimmy]'' Uh, Marnie Stuber. ''[watches Jimmy form the letters as she spells aloud]'' That's–that's S-T-U-B-E-R. ''[sighs nervously again when Jimmy forces her to smile]'' Oh, bless your heart. She'll be so relieved! :'''HHM Employee #2''': Okay, it's very simple. The meeting is happening at our offices. So she just has to call the main line—the same number you called just now—press 7, and then enter the passcode. I can give that to you now. Do you have a pen? :'''Francesca''': Uh... ''[Jimmy quickly takes out a pen]'' Y–yeah, I'm ready. :'''HHM Employee #2''': Okay. It's 8-4-2-1-5-9. ''[Jimmy writes the numbers on his hand]'' :'''Francesca''': 8-4-2-1-5-9? :'''HHM Employee #2''': That's right. :'''Francesca''': Okay! Uh, thank you so much. Really appreciate it. :'''HHM Employee #2''': Of course, take care. :'''Jimmy''': ''[hangs up immediately]'' Was that so hard? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jimmy sees the real Rand Casimiro at a liquor store wearing a cast that was not shown in the fake photos he shot earlier. He bolts out of there and gets in his car before being seen by the judge.]'' :'''Jimmy''': FUCK! ''[bangs on steering wheel and chuckles nervously before dialing Kim on his cell phone]'' :''[Cut to Kim driving on the highway to Santa Fe.]'' :'''Kim''': "Ultimately, it's about equal justice, a system that works for everyone. A justice system that works for everyone, and what is more important than that?" ''[hears phone ringing and answers it]'' Hey, Jimmy. :'''Jimmy''': Flag on the play! You're not gonna believe this, but I just ran into Casimiro—the real one. :'''Kim''': Oh, God. :'''Jimmy''': Yeah, and before you ask, he didn't shave his mustache. ''He broke his arm.'' :'''Kim''': Are you serious? :'''Jimmy''': The guy has a giant cast on his left arm! And I checked all the pictures and you can see his arm in every single one of them! No cast, clear as day! :'''Kim''': Shit! SHIT! :'''Jimmy''': I KNOW! I '''KNOW!''' Uh... But, hey. Hey, hey, look at it this way: If I hadn't seen him... I mean, that would've really—that really could've sunk us. Right? So, we're gonna pull the plug and we are going to live to fight another day. :'''Kim''': ...What other day? :'''Jimmy''': Well, we'll figure it out. I promise, okay? So, just go. Just do your thing in Santa Fe, and we'll regroup when you get home tonight. ''[beat; Kim says nothing]'' Kim? Kim, you still there? :'''Kim''': Yes. :'''Jimmy''': Did you hear what I said? :'''Kim''': ''[pause]'' It happens today. :''[Kim quickly turns around and starts driving back to Albuquerque.]'' === ''[[w:Plan and Execution | Plan and Execution]]'' [6.07] === :''[An intern at HHM, Cary, drops soda cans when he sees Howard setting up the conference room for the Sandpiper mediation]'' :'''Cary''': Uh, excuse me, Mr. Hamlin! I-I was told I should restock the fridge before the meeting. :'''Howard''': No worries. Here, let me give you a hand. :'''Cary''': Thank you! :'''Howard''': Uh, you're... Gary? :'''Cary''': Cary! Anderson. :'''Howard''': Mm... of course. Cary. ''[sees Cary stocking the fridge with the dropped cans]'' Cary, what happens when you drop or shake a can of soda? :'''Cary''': ...Right. ''[mimes explosion]'' I'm sorry, I'm, uh... :'''Howard''': Here, let me show you a little trick. ''[picks up and spins a soda can]'' Something about the centrifugal force pulls the bubbles from the inside of the can, stops it from exploding. Don't want our clients to get a surprise now, do we? :'''Cary''': That works? :''[Howard opens the can without incident and takes a sip]'' :'''Cary''': Alright! :'''Howard''': You know who taught me that trick? ''[points at the picture of Chuck in the conference room]'' He used to do it. Had a habit - anytime he opened a can, almost unconsciously. I asked him about it once... just his way of being prepared for anything, accidental or otherwise. :'''Cary''': Um, I'm sorry, I'm... kinda new here. I- I have to ask, who is that? :'''Howard''': Charles McGill. The "M" in HHM. Greatest legal mind I ever knew. :'''Cary''': Wow! I hope someone says that about me someday. :'''Howard''': Well... maybe there are more important things. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Howard, Cliff, and the rest of the parties in the Sandpiper mediation are in the HHM conference room; Rand Casimiro is seated at the head of the table; Jimmy and Kim listen in on the meeting through a disposable cell phone in Saul Goodman's office]'' :'''Rand Casimiro:''' Hello. I know we're all anxious to get things started but you'll have to suffer through my traditional spiel, unfortunately. My name is Rand Casimiro, and I am your mediator for these proceedings. Now, I'm happy to be here. But at the end, hopefully all of you in the room and those listening from various locations ''won't'' be happy with me. And why do I say that? Because the best solutions mean compromise. It's compromise from both sides. That's my goal. But as my wife always says, compromising doesn't mean I'm right and she's wrong. ''[chuckles]'' So, let us move forward— :'''Howard:''' ''Hmph.'' :''[Everyone in the conference room turns to Howard]'' :'''Cliff:''' ...Howard? :'''Howard:''' I-I'm... Wow. ''[pause]'' I'm... I'm sorry. I don't think we can proceed with these negotiations today. :'''Rich:''' Why not? :'''Howard:''' Well, let's just say, circumstances beyond any of our control. :'''Rich:''' Well, I'm going to have to insist that you be more specific. :'''Howard:''' Well, our mediator here keeps using the word "compromise" when ''he'', in fact, is compromised. :'''Casimiro:''' I beg your pardon? :'''Howard:''' I think you heard me. :'''Cliff:''' Howard...? :'''Howard:''' You drive a silver Miata, correct? :'''Casimiro:''' I do. :'''Howard:''' And this morning, around 7 a.m., you walked across Trumbull Park in town? :'''Casimiro:''' No. :'''Howard:''' You didn't stop at the park this morning? :'''Casimiro:''' I didn't. I got to Albuquerque early, not at 7 a.m. And I didn't go to a park. :'''Howard:''' You sure? :'''Cliff:''' Howard, if the judge says he's sure, then I&ndash; :'''Casimiro:''' Of course I'm sure! If it matters, I arrived in town about ten, I stopped at a gas station, I went by a liquor store and bought a gift. I had a lunch salad and a very nice latté from the Flying Star on Menaul. I read ''[[w:Barron's_(newspaper)|Barron's]]''. Then came here. :'''Howard:''' ''Mmmm''. So you weren't in town to visit our mutual acquaintance, James Morgan McGill? Or maybe you know him as "Saul Goodman". :'''Casimiro:''' I don't know anyone by either of those names. :'''Howard:''' Okay. You want to go that way? ''[to his secretary]'' Julie, go to my desk, please. There's an envelope with photos. Bring it to me quickly. :'''Julie:''' Oh. Okay. ''[leaves]'' :'''Cliff:''' Howard, can we have a sidebar&ndash;? :'''Casimiro:''' I'm sorry. These photos &ndash; these are photos of me? :'''Howard:''' They show exactly what I'm describing. :'''Casimiro:''' You were following me? :'''Howard:''' I had a private investigator following Jimmy McGill. You were photographed receiving what I estimate to be a $20,000 payoff this morning in the park. :'''Rich:''' I-I'm sorry. I'm sorry. This is just&ndash; ''[sighs; to Howard]'' You recommended this judge as a mediator and we agreed. And now... ''Jimmy?'' Jimmy McGill &ndash; who originated this suit &ndash; is ''what?'' :'''Howard:''' A-admittedly, it all sounds a bit baroque. But when you see the photos, things will be clearer. :'''Casimiro:''' Well, I'm looking forward to that. :''[long pause; Julie enters the room with the envelope]'' :'''Julie:''' I have the pictures, Mr. Hamlin. :'''Howard:''' Thank you, Julie. ''[opens the envelope]'' And now, take a look. :''[Howard looks at the photos with Cliff, Schweikart, Casimiro, Irene and Julie looking behind him. Instead of an actor dressed as Casimiro as he had seen earlier, the photos show Jimmy sitting at a park bench exchanging a frisbee with the Sound Guy, dressed as a jogger]'' :'''Casimiro:''' ...Is that supposed to be ''me''? :'''Howard:''' I, uh... This is... This is not... Julie, you got the wrong envelope. :'''Julie:''' That was the only one on your desk. :'''Howard:''' Look again! :''[Julie leaves]'' :'''Howard:''' They-they've been switched. Somehow he switched them. :'''Cliff:''' Howard... :'''Howard:''' No. Jimmy &ndash; he snuck in somehow, and these are not the pictures I saw. :''[Howard turns to Erin, who notices that his pupils are now dilated]'' :'''Erin:''' Mr. Hamlin, are you all right? Your eyes... :'''Howard:''' ''[agitated]'' I am fine! This is all something that will be sorted out, I am confident! :''[Cliff rises and guides Howard out of his seat]'' :'''Cliff:''' I think a recess is in order. :'''Howard:''' Nobody move! Evidence has been tampered with! :'''Cliff:''' Now Howard, please! :''[Howard and Cliff leave the conference room. Everyone left behind is stunned silent]'' :'''Irene:''' ...Is this how these usually go? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cliff confronts Howard in his office after the fiasco in the conference room]'' :'''Howard:''' Cliff? Is that you? I'm not crazy, and I'm not on drugs. Please, come in. Now somehow, some way, that son of a bitch gave me something that dilated my pupils. I-I don't know what. But it's wearing off already, look. ''[gestures toward his eyes]'' :'''Cliff:''' You say that Jimmy McGill drugged you? How is that possible? :'''Howard:''' The-the photos. They were wet with... ''something''. :'''Cliff:''' The missing photos. :'''Howard:''' Yeah. My P.I., Genidowski, had to have been in on it. He-he must have shown me one set of photos and then switched them after I left the office. :'''Cliff:''' Howard... :'''Howard:''' Three weeks ago, Julie got a call from our detective agency. They wanted to update their contact info, so of course she changed the number in the system. But it turns out, it wasn't them. That was Jimmy. So when I needed an investigator to follow Jimmy, I called his fake number and his fake man. She just dialed the old number and, of course, got the actual agency. And, no surprise, no one by the name of Genidowski had ever worked there. I hired a con man. I got played. Every step of the way. I know what it sounds like, but you have to believe me. :'''Cliff:''' I... It doesn't matter. Rich went back to the previous offer. I'll give a recommend to the class that we take it. :'''Howard:''' No. No way. We do not let Jimmy win this. :'''Cliff:''' Why would Jimmy even do this? He's a profit participant! This means less money for him! :'''Howard:''' Because he's a child! He wants his money now! He begged me months ago to settle! You know what he does! :'''Cliff:''' Whatever the truth is, we'll never get back to where we were before mediation. We have to settle. :'''Howard:''' I'm lead attorney. And I won't sanction that decision. :'''Cliff:''' Then I'm obligated to go to the partners and explain everything I've seen &ndash; all of it. You think you're gonna be able to convince them it was all Jimmy McGill? :'''Howard:''' ...Okay then. We go to trial. Cliff, this case is incredibly strong. I put this thing in front of a jury, then everything will&ndash; :'''Cliff:''' I'm not thinking about you, Howard. I'm not thinking about Jimmy. I'm thinking about the time, the expense, the uncertainty. I'm thinking about our clients! :''[Howard bows his head in defeat.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lalo records a video message for Eladio while he's hiding in the sewers surveilling Gus' laundromat. The dialogue switches between Spanish and English.]'' :'''Lalo''': Don Eladio. Guess who? It's Lalo, I'm alive! ''[chuckles]'' I'm here in beautiful downtown Albuquerque. ''[pans the camera around his belongings]'' Been here... four nights? Now, you may be asking, "What am I doing down in this shithole?" Well, [[w:Axe and Grind|a little Croatian bird told me a secret]]. Eh, he put up a hell of a fight, but he told me. Look. ''[points the camera at his target, Lavanderia Brilliante]'' See that? Right there... Fring's secret. Now, I've been watching and Fring hides his guards very well, but they're there, dressed like laundry workers. ''[zooms in on one "worker"]'' See? That's one there. They're hiding guns under the uniforms, but I see. I have a pretty good idea of what I'm up against. ''[points the camera back at himself]'' I can tell you what's in there. A big hole where a German engineer, Werner Ziegler, designed the perfect place to hide the... ''[in English]'' "mother of all meth labs." ''[in Spanish]'' Well, that's my story. And Fring? Fring will have his story, a good one, and Bolsa will back him because he's an... ''[in English]'' "earner." ''[in Spanish]'' So tonight, I go in... kill all the guards and show you the proof. And then? You decide... ''Adios.'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jimmy and Kim are watching a movie in Kim's apartment when they hear a knock at the door. It's revealed to be Howard, disheveled and holding a bottle of Macallan scotch whisky.]'' :'''Howard:''' Can I come in? :'''Jimmy:''' Yeah. Come on. :'''Howard:''' Kim. :'''Kim:''' Howard. You doing okay? :'''Howard:''' I'm fine. Sorry to interrupt this, but I brought you a gift. :'''Jimmy:''' A gift? What's the occasion? :'''Howard:''' Your brother and I, we always had a meeting with Mr. Macallan after a big victory. Usually some brilliant summation by Chuck, that goes without saying. So this, this is for you. You earned it. You won. :'''Jimmy:''' Won? Uh, what did I win? :'''Howard:''' ''[pause]'' I get it. Of course you both have to play it this way. You're both so very good at it. :'''Kim:''' It's late, Howard. Do you want to tell us what this is about? :'''Howard:''' I was wondering that too. ''[walks to the kitchen]'' What it's all about. I mean, what do you tell yourselves? What justification makes it okay? "Howard's such an asshole that he deserves it?" ''[offers two glasses to Jimmy and Kim]'' :'''Jimmy:''' We're good. :'''Howard:''' So, what is it? I sided with Chuck too often? ''[points to Kim]'' I took away your office, put you in doc review? All of the above? Howard's daddy helped him get to the top, but you both had to struggle. "Howie has so much and we have so little, let's take him down a peg or two." What allows you to do this to me? Because this isn't just a prank. No. This goes beyond [[w:Namaste (Better Call Saul)|throwing bowling balls on my car]]. This took planning, coordination. I mean, how many weeks? Or-or-or was it months? It couldn't have been easy. So tell me, why? Why go through this elaborate plot just to burn me to the ground? :'''Jimmy:''' "Burn you to the ground?" Howard, come on. Y-you'll be fine. You always land on your feet. :'''Howard:''' Yeah, sure. The Sandpiper settlement—HHM's share will be substantial, absolutely. Even though I humiliated myself. And my clients and peers will whisper that Howard Hamlin's a drug addict. You're right. I've worked my way through worse. Debt. Depression. My marriage falling apart. :''[Jimmy blinks in surprise. He and Kim exchange looks]'' :'''Howard:''' Oh, yeah. Been sleeping in the guest house for the better part of a year. Just one more thing that good ol' Howard has to work through. But yes, I will land on my feet. I will be okay. But you? Far from it. You two... you two are soulless. Jimmy, you can't help yourself. Chuck knew it. You were ''born'' that way. ''[to Kim]'' But you—one of the smartest and most promising human beings I've ever known, and ''this'' is the life you choose. :'''Jimmy:''' Alright, you're too tight to drive, I'm calling a cab— :'''Howard:''' Oh good, phony compassion. And you know what? Very, very believable. But I'm far from done. :'''Kim:''' Oh no no no. You are done, Howard. Sorry, but you need to stop this now and you need to go home. :'''Howard:''' You're perfect for each other. You have a piece missing. I-I-I thought you did it for the money, but it-it—Now it's so clear. Screw the money, you did it for fun! You get off on it! You're like [[w:Leopold and Loeb|Leopold and Loeb]], two sociopaths— :'''Jimmy:''' Alright, that's enough. :'''Howard:''' Oh, you know it's true, you just don't have the guts to admit it. :'''Kim:''' Great. Now you need to go. :'''Howard:''' I'm gonna make it clear to everyone, because I'm going to dedicate my life to making sure that everybody knows the truth. Believe it. You can't hide who you really are forever. :''[Jimmy reflexively shields Kim as Lalo Salamanca enters the room; Jimmy is stunned]'' :'''Jimmy:''' How... :''[Howard turns around and see Lalo, who non-chalantly stands next to him]'' :'''Kim:''' H-Howard... Howard. Howard, you need to leave. :'''Howard:''' ''[to Lalo]'' Who are you? :'''Lalo:''' Me? Nobody. I just need to talk to my lawyers. :'''Howard:''' ''[scoffs]'' Oh, is that right? You want some advice? Find better lawyers. :'''Kim:''' Howard, please j-just... just... just turn around— :'''Lalo:''' No, no, no, no, no. Take your time. :'''Howard:''' ''[to Kim]'' What's this about? :''[Lalo calmly takes a pistol out of his pocket and screws a silencer onto the muzzle]'' :'''Kim:''' ''[to Lalo]'' Please... please, just tell us what you want. :'''Lalo:''' ''[shrugs]'' Like I said. To talk. :'''Howard:''' I, uh... I think I'm in the middle of something, uh... There's really no need to— :''[Lalo puts the gun to Howard's head and pulls the trigger; Howard falls onto the floor, killed instantly. Jimmy and Kim scream.]'' :'''Kim:''' ''Oh my God!'' :'''Jimmy:''' ''Please, no!'' :'''Kim:''' ''Oh my God!'' :'''Jimmy:''' ''No! No!'' :'''Lalo:''' ''[holds out his hand to quiet them down]'' ''Shhhh, shhhh, shhhh, shhhh, shhhh.'' Okay. Let's talk. === ''[[w:Point and Shoot (Better Call Saul) | Point and Shoot]]'' [6.08] === :''[Jimmy and Kim are cowering in terror when Lalo forces them to sit on their couch]'' :'''Jimmy''': I never turned on you. I didn't. I only worked for you in the desert. I was on your side the whole time. :'''Lalo''': Shhh. ''[motions for Jimmy to sit down with his gun]'' I don't care. You two... ''[chuckles; shakes his head]'' God, you two and your mouths! ''Dios mío!'' Now, ''you listen.'' ''[tosses car keys to Jimmy]'' My car's downstairs. Press the clicker, and you'll find it. This... ''[holds up small piece of paper]'' is where you are going. Don't speed, don't weave, don't cut anyone off. Just, you know, drive nice. From here, ''[checks watch]'' at this hour... I'd take 40 east, get off at Carlisle, take the third left. The rest I drew a little map for you on the back. It's not hard. So... big white brick house with a solid black door. You can't miss it. It's right at the end of the T. Park a little down the street and not up front. It's a quiet neighborhood, so you'll have plenty of options. Stating the obvious here maybe, but... turn the car off, right? So, in the glove compartment, I left you a present. There's a camera and there's a gun. And you're gonna need both. :'''Jimmy''': A gun? :'''Lalo''': Yeah, yeah, yeah. But don't worry. I mean, it's–it's easy. It's a revolver. It's already loaded, no safety—it's idiot proof. So, you go up to that house, you walk right up to that black door. Don't run. Just be casual like a stroll, you know? Keep the gun somewhere behind you where they can't see it. You ring the bell, you count to three, you step back. They look through the peephole, you're as innocent as can be. Door opens, you point... and you shoot. And you keep on pulling that trigger until it's empty. ''[pause]'' Simple. :'''Jimmy''': You–you want me to—?! :'''Lalo''': I know, I know. ''[casually nudges Howard's dead body with his foot]'' You're a lawyer, and you're not a killer. But look, you can do this, okay? This guy, he's a housecat! Black, medium height, short hair, glasses! He kinda looks like a librarian... but don't be fooled. Even a housecat can scratch. So, that's it. Hard part's over. Now, you pull out the camera. Same principle as the gun: Point and shoot. Take a picture. One where I can see the face ''clearly''... and then you bring it back here where, me and Mrs. Goodman will be waiting for you. And then you're done! I'd say it's about a twenty minute drive over there... ''[Jimmy looks nervously at Kim]'' twenty minutes back. Maybe ten minutes to do the job. Let's go with an hour altogether. So, you're back here in an hour, or— :''[Jimmy forcibly turns on the Saul Goodman charm]'' :'''Jimmy''': Send her. :'''Kim''': ...What?! :'''Jimmy''': She should do it. :'''Kim''': Jimmy... :'''Lalo''': ''[pause]'' Why her? :'''Kim''': ''[whispers to Jimmy]'' Don't do this. :'''Jimmy''': This guy, the–the housecat. :'''Kim''': Jimmy, please. :'''Jimmy''': He looks through his peephole... :'''Kim''': ''Please.'' :'''Jimmy''': ...in the middle of the night, and he sees me? "Who's this asshole? What's he doing?" Maybe–maybe he gets ''his'' gun, maybe he calls the cops. Either way, that door stays shut. But he sees a woman... :'''Kim''': No. :'''Jimmy''': ...she looks like she's in distress. Maybe her car broke down. ''[chuckles]'' I mean, you'd open the door for her, wouldn't you? :'''Kim''': Stop! Stop! :'''Lalo''': Yeah, but... she's really clever. I don't know if she's gonna stick to the plan. :'''Jimmy''': She will. :'''Kim''': No, no, no. :'''Jimmy''': No cops. You know she will. :'''Kim''': No. No, this... This doesn't even make any sense! I–I–I've never shot a gun before! I've never even held one! :'''Jimmy''': Like I have. :'''Kim''': Jimmy, what are you doing?! :'''Jimmy''': ''[to Lalo while pointing at Kim]'' You know she's the best choice. :'''Kim''': No, I'm not! I don't—I can't! I can't do it! :'''Jimmy''': ''[to Lalo]'' She can do it. You know she can do it! :'''Kim''': No! Jimmy, I'll stay! Stop! Just stop! :'''Jimmy''': You know I'm right! Listen! :'''Kim''': Stop it! Shut up! :'''Jimmy''': Listen! :'''Kim''': SHUT UP! :'''Lalo''': ''[rolls his eyes]'' Oh, my God! Okay, fine! Yeah, heard! Whatever. Give her the keys, give her the address, let's go. ''[walks toward the front door]'' :'''Kim''': ''[to Jimmy]'' No. Don't... Don't. :'''Jimmy''': You... you gotta go. :'''Kim''': ''[softly]'' Don't do this. :'''Jimmy''': Come on. Hey... ''[whispering]'' Let's go. :''[Kim reluctantly gets up and is about to leave the apartment when Lalo stops her]'' :'''Lalo''': Hold on. ''[pause; Kim looks at him]'' You're gonna need your shoes, right? :''[Kim stares at Jimmy while she puts her shoes on]'' :'''Lalo''': There you go! Okay, ''[looks at watch]'' so one hour starting... now. Clock's ticking, Mrs. Goodman. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lalo ties Jimmy to a chair while interrogating him about the assassination attempt at his hacienda]'' :'''Lalo''': You know, after I saw you last, I went home. My home. ''Mi cielito lindo''... And you know what happened? Men came. Armed men, in the middle of the night. To my home. Trying to get to me. And you know what they did? They killed people I care about. They killed my cook. My gardener. A seventeen-year-old kid I knew since he was knee-high, never hurt a fly. Butchered my housekeeper, Yolanda. ''Una viejita, cabrón.'' They shot her in the back. :'''Jimmy''': ...I'm sorry. :'''Lalo''': Now, how did these men... get into my home? Do you know? :'''Jimmy''': I... I have–I have no idea. :'''Lalo''': Ignacio Varga. ''He'' let them in. And who did Ignacio introduce me to? ''[taps Jimmy's head]'' You. :'''Jimmy''': Ignacio... Nacho? ''[brief pause]'' Whoa, whoa, whoa! I–I barely know Ignacio! Whatever he did, he did alone! Not with me! Listen, you gotta believe me! Hand to God, I had no part in this—it wasn't me! ''It was '''Igna—''''' :''[Lalo sneaks up from behind and gags Jimmy with a rolled-up shirt]'' :'''Jimmy''': ''[through the gag]'' Ignacio! It's not me! Listen, listen! I–I don't know about... :'''Lalo''': Save it. ''[looks Jimmy in the eyes]'' I'm gonna come back. And then you... are gonna tell me ''the whole story.'' :''[Lalo presses play on the movie Jimmy and Kim were watching earlier and turns up the volume. He picks up Jimmy's car keys by the front door.]'' :'''Lalo''': Ford Taurus... taupe? ''[rolls eyes and shakes his head before leaving the apartment]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mike disarms Kim and forces her inside Gus' house before she can shoot. Gus watches Mike question her through surveillance monitors at his neighbors' residence.]'' :'''Kim''': What are you doing?! I–I have to go! I have to—No, wait! :'''Mike''': Ms. Wexler, I'd like you to sit down. :'''Kim''': He'll–He'll kill him! You have to... You— :'''Mike''': Now, sit there and be calm! :'''Kim''': No, I have to get back! ''I have to get back!'' :'''Mike''': ''[restrains Kim and forces her back down]'' Sit ''still''... and stay calm. Now, if you take a deep breath—a ''deep'' breath—nothing's gonna happen here until you calm yourself. Alright? Now, who is killing who? :'''Kim''': Lalo Salamanca! Lalo is going to kill Jimmy! ''[Mike looks shocked]'' He's there! He–he is there with Jimmy now! :'''Mike''': Salamanca is at your apartment?! :'''Kim''': Yes! He sent ''me!'' He–he wanted to send Jimmy, but then he sent me. :'''Mike''': To do what exactly?! ''[pause; Kim hyperventilates]'' Ms. Wexler, you stay with me! What were you supposed to do here? :'''Kim''': ''[beat; points at a man who looks identical to Gus]'' Shoot him. I'm–I'm supposed to shoot him, and then take a photo, and then get back. That's it. I only have twenty minutes left! Please! ''[Mike quickly looks and nods at one of his guys]'' He is ''alone'' with him! :'''Mike''': Alright, stay put. We'll handle this. We ''will'' handle this. ''[to Victor]'' You call Tyrus. Get him to the condo ''now.'' :'''Kim''': You said you were watching us! WHERE WERE YOU?! HUH?! ''[Mike leaves]'' '''WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?!''' :''[Kim tries to get up, but Victor stands in her way and forces her to sit down again]'' :'''Victor''': You heard what the man said. :''[Mike walks through the corridor connecting the two homes and reports to Gus.]'' :'''Mike''': You heard all that? ''[Gus nods]'' Alright. You hunker down here. ''[to two bodyguards]'' You two, you stay with him. A dog barks too loud, you are on the phone with me. ''[to Arthur and Tyrus]'' You two, come with me. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After growing restless over Lalo's whereabouts, Gus calls Victor and asks him to speak to Kim about Lalo]'' :'''Gus''': Why did Lalo send you? :'''Kim''': Who is this? :'''Victor''': Answer him. ''[points behind him]'' :'''Kim''': ''[pause]'' He didn't want to send me. Not at first. He wanted to send my husband... but my husband talked him out of it because he wanted to get me out of there. :'''Gus''': He... talked Lalo out of it? :'''Kim''': That's right. ''[pause]'' Now that I've told you everything I know, please tell me. Tell me who— :''[Gus hangs up the phone and looks at his bodyguards]'' :'''Gus''': Come with me. Both of you. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lalo records another video message for Don Eladio while holding Gus at gunpoint at the laundromat. The dialogue is in Spanish.]'' :'''Lalo:''' Don Eladio, look who we have here. The one and only Gustavo Fring. ''[chuckles]'' And wearing body armor! Too bad they don't make armor for your head, eh? Now we're gonna take a little walk and show you around. ''Vamanos''. ''[clicks tongue]'' Don, I would've liked it if we didn't have to rush this so much. We could sit by your pool... strip this snake's skin off, inch by inch. Take our time, have some fun. But he shows up now... who am I to look a gift horse in the mouth? :''[Gus stops in front of a large washing machine.]'' :'''Lalo:''' A big machine hides a big secret. We have about... thirteen minutes until his bald ''gringo'' gets here with the cavalry, so Gustavo is going to have to give us the nickel tour. ''[beat; shoots Gus in the chest]'' Like I was saying, Gustavo is going to show us around. :''[Gus walks around and pushes a button, which opens the secret passage to the underground meth lab]'' :'''Lalo:''' ''Ha!'' Magnificent! I had a bathtub that did this, but... credit where credit is due, this is better. ''[laughs]'' ''Hijo de puta''. :''[Gus leads Lalo down a ladder and turns on the lights]'' :'''Lalo:''' ''[chuckles; in English]'' Okay. Drumroll, please. ''D-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r''... Ta-da! ''[laughs]'' ''Cadenza de wow'', no? ''[in Spanish]'' Don Eladio, I've heard some stories about this place. It took a bunch of German engineers ten months to build all of this. They used two hundred pounds of high explosive. Dug out 120,000 cubic meters of dirt and rock. And all... without disturbing the laundry up there. In the middle of a city with a million people! That's pretty badass, right? :''[Gus trips and falls to the ground when Lalo pushes his pistol against his back]'' :'''Lalo''': One moment, Don. ''[puts the camcorder between his teeth as he switches the magazines of his pistol]'' Think of the laboratory you could put here, Don Eladio. ''Eh?'' How much meth you could make... that was his plan. Cut you out to become boss. And now here we are, in this big hole! ''[cackles]'' Gustavo thought he was building an empire, but all he built himself was a tomb. :'''Gus:''' You can't kill me. :'''Lalo:''' Why not? :'''Gus:''' I haven't told that fat pig Eladio what I think of him yet. :'''Lalo:''' ''Hoo-hoo!'' Perfect! You've got one minute. :'''Gus:''' Eladio... you greasy, bloated pimp. You talk of honor. But you have none. A pack of stray dogs fighting for scraps has more honor. Jackals. That's all you are! No vision. No patience. No thought. Stupid and impulsive! That is how I did all this. You couldn't see it, couldn't even conceive of it. And you Salamancas... you're the worst vermin of all. You say you believe in "blood for blood" but you only understand blood for money! You're whores! ''[in English]'' I understand blood for blood. Hector? Yeah, I kept him alive. Kept him broken. I will save him to the last. Before he dies, he will know... '''''I''' buried every one of you.'' :'''Lalo:''' ''[sniggers]'' Big talk. You done? :'''Gus:''' No. Not yet. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jimmy:''' Lalo said he was coming back. :'''Mike:''' He's not coming. :'''Jimmy:''' No, he said he was, he told me— :'''Mike:''' You understand me? He is ''not coming back.'' Let's sit. ''[pause; Jimmy and Kim remain standing]'' '''''SIT.''''' :''[Jimmy and Kim sit at the foot of their bed; Mike stands in front of them.]'' :'''Mike:''' Alright. Here's what's gonna happen: In a few days, Howard Hamlin's car will be found several states away by the water. The odometer will have rolled to the exact number of miles it took to get there. There will be cocaine in the upholstery. That was the story you were setting up for this guy, yeah? They'll call it a suicide, hoping the body will come washing up. It never will. At some point, you're gonna hear about it. Someone calls you, someone at the courthouse mentions it—the moment that happens—you call the cops. His car was here for hours last night. Good chance somebody noticed it. That means you are the last people to see him alive. Cops are gonna want to hear from you. You tell the cops you saw him—he came here, seemed like maybe he was chemically altered, didn't make a lick of sense. Then he left, that's all you know. You keep telling the lie you've been telling. Now, Ms. Wexler tells me she has court at ten. What's on your docket? ''[Jimmy doesn't answer]'' Hey. ''Listen.'' Where do you need to be? :'''Jimmy:''' Uh, office. At my office. Clients start showing up around 9:30. ''Oh'', my car is gone. :'''Mike:''' No. It's on the way home, you'll have it when you need it. So you two are going to go about your day—normal, same as ever. Today, you're Meryl Streep and Laurence Olivier. No staring into space, nothing out of the ordinary, you ''cover.'' Anybody talks to you, it's just another day that ends in Y, that's all. When you get home, we'll be gone and everything will be back the way it was. Now, I need to impress upon you: none of this ever happened. None of it. Understand? Say it out loud, I need to hear it. :'''Jimmy:''' ...I understand. :'''Kim:''' ...It never happened. === ''[[w:Fun and Games (Better Call Saul) | Fun and Games]]'' [6.09] === :'''Jimmy''': One day, we'll... We'll wake up, and brush our teeth, and we'll go to work. And at some point, we'll suddenly realize... [[w:Bad Choice Road | that we hadn't thought about it at all. None of it]]. ''[pause]'' And that's when we'll know. We'll know we can forget. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Gus meets with Don Eladio, Juan Bolsa, and the Salamancas late at night. The dialogue is in Spanish.]'' :'''Eladio''': Don Hector has made a very serious accusation. :''[One of the Cousins hands a letter to Don Juan]'' :'''Bolsa''': These are Don Hector's words. Dictated to Leonel and Marco, letter by letter. "The assault on my nephew's hacienda failed. Lalo fought the assassins and won. The day after the attack, Lalo called me. I heard the truth from his own lips. It was Fring who sent the mercenaries, not the Peruvians. We kept Lalo's survival a secret. My nephew was about to take his revenge on the traitor, face-to-face. Instead, he disappeared. It is the Chicken Man's doing. Don Eladio, look into Fring's eyes. There you will see the truth. The Chicken Man hates you. He is our enemy. He plots against us. I demand blood for blood." :''[Bolsa folds the letter and sits back down]'' :'''Eladio''': Well, Gustavo? :'''Gus''': ''[pause]'' I have no response. :'''Bolsa''': Gustavo, you must speak. Have you no defense? :'''Gus''': With all due respect, I don't believe this merits a response. :'''Eladio''': Did you witness these phone calls from Lalo? ''[Leonel and Marco shake their heads]'' I was told you saw Lalo's body. :'''Leonel''': Yes. :'''Marco''': It was burned. :'''Eladio''': Didn't the ''federales'' check the teeth? :'''Bolsa''': Yes, Don Eladio. My brother tells me the dental records matched. :'''Eladio''': And that rat, Varga... What did he say before he died? :'''Bolsa''': He said he was in the pay of the Peruvians, Los Odios. We know he took their money, we found bank statements. :'''Eladio''': ''[beat; looks at his watch]'' Well... It's late. Don Hector... Since you've come a long way, tonight you sleep in my bed. ''[Hector angrily rings his bell repeatedly in protest]'' No, I insist. No arguing. I'm giving you my room. Very comfortable. And who knows? Maybe a couple of the girls will come to visit! ''[pause; Hector continues ringing his bell]'' Please. ''[Leonel and Marco carry Hector by his wheelchair and leave]'' Good night, Hector. Sleep well. ''[to Gus]'' I'd invite you to stay as well, Gustavo, but... I don't want my breakfast ruined by all the... ''[mocks Hector ringing his bell and laughs]'' Ay-yay-yay. ''[beat]'' The peace must be kept. What do you suggest? :'''Gus''': I wouldn't presume. :'''Eladio''': The South Valley will stay Salamanca territory. And the rest of the North, that'll be for you to manage. Working under Bolsa. :'''Bolsa''': Thank you, Don Eladio. :'''Gus''': ''[rises with Eladio out of his chair]'' Thank you. Your trust means everything, Don Eladio. :'''Eladio''': ''Bueno.'' Gustavo... ''[long pause]'' When I looked into your eyes... Hate. A little bit's okay. As long as you never forget who's boss. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mike meets with Nacho's father outside his shop to let him know about Nacho's fate]'' :'''Manuel''': Who are you? :'''Mike''': It's not important. :'''Manuel''': I saw you here before. [[w:Cobbler (Better Call Saul)|Chrysler Fifth Avenue]]. What about my son? :'''Mike''': I'm sorry, he won't be found. ''[pause]'' It was over fast. No pain. :'''Manuel''': You were there? :'''Mike''': I was there. Your son made some mistakes, he fell in with bad people... but he was never like them. Not really. He had a good heart. One more thing: you won't have to worry about the Salamancas. Their day is coming. There'll be justice. :'''Manuel''': Justice? :'''Mike''': I'm sorry, my Spanish - j-''justicia.'' Justice. :'''Manuel''': ''[sighs]'' What you talk about... is not justice. What you talk of is... ''revenge.'' It never ends... my boy is gone. ''[scoffs, speaks in Spanish]'' You gangsters and your "justice." You're all the same. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jimmy and Kim approach Cliff and Howard's widow, Cheryl, at a memorial reception in the offices of HHM.]'' :'''Kim:''' Cliff. :'''Cliff:''' Kim, Jimmy. :'''Cheryl:''' Kim, hi. :''[Jimmy extends his hand to Cheryl; she doesn't take it]'' :'''Jimmy:''' Hi, Cheryl. I'm Jimmy McGill. You may not remember me. I'm Chuck McGill's brother. :'''Cheryl:''' Of course. :'''Jimmy:''' Very sorry for your loss. ''[sighs]'' :'''Kim:''' Cheryl, I'm so sorry. I can't even imagine what you must be going through. If Jimmy and I can do anything for you or your family, please just say the word. :''[Jimmy and Kim are about to walk away]'' :'''Cheryl:''' There is something, actually. You two were the last ones to see him, weren't you? :'''Kim:''' Um... :'''Jimmy:''' I guess so. Uh, that's what the police said. :'''Cheryl:''' Howard told me that you were harassing him, playing elaborate pranks of some sort. That you wouldn't leave him alone. :'''Jimmy:''' I know he thought that. He—he—he told me as well. Um, I think he honestly believed it. :'''Cheryl:''' But you're denying it. :'''Jimmy:''' ''[pauses]'' You know what, I didn't leave here under the best terms. The past few years, I could have been more considerate to Howard instead of yitzing him every chance I got. I guess, uh, there was a certain amount of jealousy on my part because Howard had the, uh, respect of my brother. Which I never did. ''[Jimmy steps away]'' :'''Cheryl:''' Tell me what you told the police. :'''Jimmy:''' ''[pauses]'' Okay, um... Well, I mean, it was 11pm. Howard started pounding on our door. He was very upset, going on about something, um, he thought was my fault, uh... Guess it had to do with the Sandpiper case. But I—I couldn't make head or tail out of it. We tried to calm him down. But... he just—he just wouldn't, um... Finally, he left. That's—that's it. :'''Cheryl:''' I'm not oblivious. I know people are saying he was on drugs. Is that what you're trying to tell me? :'''Jimmy:''' I just... He just didn't seem like himself. :'''Cheryl:''' ''[to Cliff]'' Are you hearing all of this? Because none of it makes sense to me. :'''Cliff:''' Cheryl, maybe we should just— :'''Cheryl:''' I don't care what people are saying. I don't care what the police think. Howard was not on drugs. That simply is not true. There's something more to this. :'''Kim:''' I don't know if it's my place, but... I—I... :'''Cheryl:''' Please. Just spit it out. ''[sharply inhales]'' :'''Kim:''' ''[sighs]'' It was about a year-and-a-half ago. I was still an associate here, working late on a brief. And I saw a light on in Howard's office. I assumed the cleaning crew left it on by mistake. And I was sure that office was empty, so I didn't knock. :'''Cheryl:''' ...And? :'''Kim:''' And Howard was there at his desk, head down. And he was snorting something. :'''Cheryl:''' ''[scoffs]'' :'''Kim:''' I looked at him. He looked at me. I didn't know what to do, so I just walked out. And the next morning, when we saw each other, neither of us ever said anything about it. I never told anyone. But now I wish I had. :''[Long pause]'' :'''Cheryl:''' ''[to Cliff]'' In all the years that you worked with him, have you witnessed anything like this? Even a hint? Cliff... :'''Cliff:''' I... Cheryl, this really isn't the time or the place. :''[Cheryl begins to cry]'' :'''Kim:''' Cheryl. You were his wife. You saw him every day. You knew him better than anyone. Maybe I misunderstood what I saw. You would have known. :'''Cheryl:''' ''[voice breaking]'' Please excuse me. :''[Cheryl retreats into a women's restroom]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kim and her client are sitting in a courtroom as the presiding judge, Gabriel Dearden, takes the bench]'' :'''Bailiff:''' All rise. Court is now in session, the Honorable Judge Dearden presiding. :'''Judge Dearden:''' Good afternoon. We are here to discuss a motion to exclude evidence in ''State of New Mexico vs. Yarborough''. :'''Kim:''' ''[rises]'' Your honor, if I may. I submitted an additional motion. I'm assuming you have not seen it yet. :'''Judge Dearden:''' Did we get that? :'''Secretary:''' It just came in, judge. :''[The secretary approaches the bench and hands the motion to Judge Dearden]'' :'''Kim:''' I apologize, it was a last-minute addition. :'''Judge Dearden:''' "Last minute" is right. ''[looking through the motion]'' :''[Pause]'' :'''Judge Dearden:''' ...Do I understand this correctly? You're requesting to withdraw from this case? :'''Kim:''' Yes, your honor. My client is fully informed. And I've already been in touch with another attorney, Paige Novick. She's highly qualified and familiar with the case. She's prepared to step if you'll allow it. :'''Judge Dearden:''' Ms. Wexler, Mr. Orenstein, approach the bench. :''[Kim and the prosecutor do so]'' :'''Judge Dearden:''' ''[to Kim]'' Ms. Wexler, we are here today at your insistence to consider your motion to exclude evidence. And this is the moment you choose to withdraw? :'''Kim:''' It was unavoidable. :'''Judge Dearden:''' May I ask why? :'''Kim:''' Personal reasons, your honor. :'''Judge Dearden:''' "Personal reasons." Are we talking about a health issue, something to do with a loved one? :'''Kim:''' No. :'''Judge Dearden:''' Would you rather discuss privately in chambers? :'''Kim:''' Thank you for the consideration, but no. :'''Judge Dearden:''' Would you care to supply any detail at all? :'''Kim:''' Your honor, I prefer not to. :'''Judge Dearden:''' ''[pause; to Orenstein]'' ...Mr. Orenstein, is the state prepared to discuss Ms. Wexler's motion? :'''Orenstein:''' We are, your honor. Absolutely. :'''Judge Dearden:''' You know what, Ms. Wexler? Mr. Orenstein's here. I'm here. We all showed up for your party, and now you're taking away the punch bowl. I'm inclined to have you argue your motion, then I'll consider later writing petitions. :'''Kim:''' I'm sorry for wasting the court's time, your honor, but it's impossible for me to continue with this hearing. :'''Judge Dearden:''' And why is that, Ms. Wexler? :'''Kim:''' Because I'm no longer an attorney. :'''Judge Dearden:''' ''[brief pause]'' ...I'm sorry, what? :'''Kim:''' I gave notice to the bar two hours ago. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jimmy arrives home after hearing the news that Kim has quit her legal career]'' :'''Jimmy:''' ''You did what?!'' Why?! ''WHY?!'' Alright, alright, I know why. But Kim, you can't just— :'''Kim:''' Jimmy, I— :'''Jimmy:''' ''Shhh!'' Just let me say my piece, okay? Just—Let's take a breath here! Kim, after everything that happened... I mean, Jesus! I get it! You want to climb out of your own skin! That's natural! But Kim, you don't just throw everything away! Th-th-this is your life! You're a lawyer! What about your clients, huh? What about, uh... that poor guy, Mr. Yarborough? What about the kid in foster care? Huh?! You give them everything you got! Who are they going to find who is half as good as you?! No one! They need you! :'''Kim:''' It's already done. :'''Jimmy:''' ''Ugh!'' ''[pause]'' Okay, what's done can be undone. All I'm saying is just—just let's take a week or two to think it over. For now, we're gonna take some time off. God knows we need it. We're gonna to find a new place, we're—we're gonna leave here. We're never, ever gonna come back here again. Okay? We're gonna—we're gonna put it behind us! Things will look brighter! I guarantee it! But first we have to fix this. So we're gonna go back to the hotel room, and you're gonna write letters. You're gonna write a letter to the bar, you're gonna write letters to your clients. You—you—you dictate, I will type. We're gonna roll this thing back. I'll order a pizza, we'll pull an all-nighter. Because we're in this together. Okay? So I'm gonna go get your—your printer, and then we're gonna get the hell out of here. :''[Jimmy turns to head into the bedroom]'' :'''Kim:''' Wait— Jimmy. Jimmy! :''[Jimmy enters the bedroom to discover half-full boxes and luggage everywhere]'' :'''Kim:''' You asked if you were bad for me. That's not it. We are bad for each other. :'''Jimmy:''' Kim. Don't do this. Kim, please. :'''Kim:''' Jimmy... ''[holding back tears]'' ...I have had the time of my life with you. But we are bad for everyone around us. Other people suffer because of us. Apart we're okay, but together we're poison. :'''Jimmy:''' ''[shakes his head]'' No, no. Just tell me what I need to do to change, okay? Just tell me what it is, and I'll do it. :'''Kim:''' Jimmy... :'''Jimmy:''' No, Kim. You make me happy. We make each other happy. How can that be bad? Hey... I love you. :'''Kim:''' I love you, too. ''[voice breaking]'' But so what? :'''Jimmy:''' No. No. No, Kim, you're wrong! ''This is about '''Howard!''''' Okay?! What happened to him wasn't on us! It wasn't your fault! It wasn't ''my'' fault! It was that ''fucking Lalo Salamanca!'' That psychopath came back from the dead and he walked through that door! He did this! Not us, ''him!'' :'''Kim:''' I knew. :'''Jimmy:''' You knew wh-what? :'''Kim:''' I knew he was alive. :'''Jimmy:''' No, you didn't. :'''Kim:''' It was about a month ago. I saw that car following me again. And it turned out that Mike Ehrmantraut had guys watching both of us, watching for Lalo. :'''Jimmy:''' Mike... Mike told you that Lalo was alive? ''[Kim nods]'' And you didn't tell me? :'''Kim:''' ''[pause]'' Jimmy... I thought... I thought it was a one-in-a-million chance that he'd come for us. I thought he would be caught if he did. And I told myself I was protecting you. But that's not the truth. The reason I didn't tell you was because I knew what you'd do. :'''Jimmy:''' Wh-what would I do? :'''Kim:''' You'd—you'd blame yourself. You'd fear for me. You'd want us to run and hide until you were sure I was safe. You would pull the plug on the scam, and then... ''[pause]'' ...and then, we'd break up. And I didn't want that. Because I was having too much ''fun''. :''[Kim breaks down crying and returns to the bedroom to pack; Jimmy stands in the living room in silence]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Saul Goodman:''' Alright. [[w:Chicanery (Better Call Saul) | Let justice be done, though the heavens fall]]. === ''[[w:Nippy (Better Call Saul) | Nippy]]'' [6.10] === :''[Saul, now going by Gene Takavic, is confronted by Jeff after he unexpectedly shows up at his home]'' :'''Jeff''': Dude, what the fuck?! :'''Saul''': I know, it's awkward, right? But you don't have to call me Dad. Yet. :'''Jeff''': I don't know what this is about, but all I have to do is pick up the phone and it's "Bye-bye, Saul Goodman." :'''Saul''': Yeah, but you haven't picked up the phone yet, have ya? Or tried to strong-arm me for cash. And guess what? I know why. Because reward money—blackmail—that's not gonna tickle your pickle. I know what you really want. :'''Jeff''': Oh, yeah? What's that? :'''Saul''': You want in the game. :'''Jeff''': The game? What—what game? :'''Saul''': The ''game.'' The one you've been watching your entire life. You got your nose pressed up against the glass, peering in while the big boys play. :'''Jeff''': Speak English, man. What the hell are you talking about? :'''Saul''': ''The game.'' It's right there. You can see it, but you can't touch it yet. ''[pause]'' Cars, clothes. The cash, the ladies. It's about knowing all the angles, you know? Putting it all on the line and winning ''big.'' But here you are, Jeffy. Standing outside with the suckers, trying to pay off that cab, sweating the bills. You're getting older. It's—it's so close, but dammit you just can't get in! Until now. I can make it happen. :'''Jeff''': ''[beat]'' You? :'''Saul''': Saul Goodman. ''[pause]'' So, here's the deal. I will show you the game, and then we're done. :''[Jeff stares at Saul for another moment before smiling]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jeff runs around a maze in the outline of a mall. Saul, on a loudspeaker, shouts directions to him.]'' :'''Saul''': Go, go, go, go, go, go, go! One, Armani suits and run! Two, Air Jordan shoes for you! Three, linen shirts for free! Four, cashmere sweaters out the door! Five, Patagonias to survive! Six, swanky sweatsuits in the mix! HALT! :''[Jeff stops, breathing heavily.]'' :'''Jeff''': What?! :'''Saul''': That's too many, you gotta be precise! Just three of each. :'''Jeff''': Why? And why do I gotta run around like an asshole? :'''Saul''': I already told you! Three minutes, got it? That's our window! :'''Jeff''': Yeah, but why three minutes? :'''Saul''': Because at three minutes, that's when security sees you on the cameras and the cops haul your ass to jail, alright? So let's go. :':'''Jeff''': Wait, there's cameras? :'''Saul''': Sure there's cameras! They erase the tapes every seventy-two hours, so that's why you only take three of each, and only the pricey stuff. When the store opens the next morning, they won't even know they were robbed. By the time they do inventory, abra cadabra, no more Jeffy on the tape! Right, so, three items, three minutes... It's easy. Let's go. :''[Jeff walks back to the start of the maze.]'' :'''Saul''': How many of each? :'''Jeff''': Three... :'''Saul''': Pigs get fat, hogs get slaughtered! :'''Jeff''': I don't know... :'''Saul''': What don't you know? :'''Jeff''': Just, this whole thing, it seems crazy! :'''Saul''': Is this too hot for you?! Ju— You know what, just say so! You know what? Screw it. "Crazy?" I'll tell you what's crazy! [[w:Walter White (Breaking Bad) | Fifty-year-old high school chemistry teacher]] [[w:Breaking Bad | comes into my office. The guy is so broke, he can't pay his own mortgage. One year later, he's got a pile of cash as big as a Volkswagen.]] ''That's'' crazy. :'''Buddy''': I'll do it. :'''Jeff''': This sounds good to you? :'''Buddy''': I think it'll work. :'''Saul''': Well, look at you! Hey, you're young. You're probably, uh... Fast in the feet, huh? :'''Jeff''': Okay, I- I didn't say I wouldn't do it! I just... Had some questions about, like... Logistics. :'''Saul''': Are you in or out? :'''Jeff''': In. :'''Saul''': ''[sighs]'' Okay, back to one. ''[He speaks into the loudspeaker as Jeff sets himself up.]'' Check, test, one-two, one-two. Okay! And ready, set, action! :''[Jeff begins running.]'' :'''Saul''': Move, move, move! Pick up the pace! Go, go, go! One, Armani suits and run! Two, Air Jordan shoes for you! Three, linen shirts for free! Four, cashmere sweaters out the door! Five, Patagonias to survive! Six, swanky sweatsuits in the mix! Let's go, let's go, let's go! <hr width="50%"/> :''[On the night of the robbery, Saul watches Jeff through the mall cameras while one of the security guards, Frank, is eating a Cinnabon roll with his back facing the cameras.]'' :'''Saul''': How about that 44-21 win against the Cavs? :'''Frank''': Be still my heart. ''[laughs]'' :'''Saul''': Seventy-six yard pass to Reggie Ball, and–and never sacked once. :'''Frank''': Wow, you have got quite the memory. :'''Saul''': ...Yeah, well—I'll tell you what. I can remember every stitch of clothing I was wearing during that game, but ask me what I had for dinner and... ''[whistles]'' Clean slate. :'''Frank''': Tell me about it! ''[Saul checks his stopwatch, which is at two minutes and fifteen seconds]'' Well, I'll tell ya: If you're not passing the ball, that's what's gonna happen. ''[eats another bite]'' Mmm! :''[Eventually, Jeff runs with the last round of clothes when he slips and falls. Saul chokes on his coffee.]'' :'''Frank''': You okay? :'''Saul''': ''[coughs]'' Wrong pipe. :'''Frank''': Oh, okay. So, you think our guys are gonna move to the Big Ten like they're sayin'? :'''Saul''': ''[pause]'' Big Ten? :'''Frank''': Yeah, you know, maybe they're just chasing the almighty dollar if you ask me. I mean, both powerhouses of course. But, you know what? You got Oklahoma and Texas over here. But Michigan, Ohio State over there! ''[Saul looks nervously at the cameras]'' I... I don't know. Guess I like tradition. ''[chuckles; sighs as he takes yet another bite]'' So good. Just amazing. Wow. :''[After Saul realizes Jeff is out cold, he fakes a nervous breakdown to distract Frank]'' :'''Saul''': God, what am I doing? :'''Frank''': What? :'''Saul''': ''[cries out again as Frank turns his head towards the cameras]'' Look at me! Wha—I don't know what... ''[sobs]'' Oh, Jesus! :'''Frank''': Gene? :'''Saul''': Oh, God. You... you have a wife, right, Frank? :'''Frank''': Yeah. :'''Saul''': Yeah? :'''Frank''': Yeah. :'''Saul''': She's waiting for you? ''[Frank nods]'' Look at me. I got... I got no one. My parents are dead. [[w:Chuck McGill | My brother]]... ''[beat; looks down]'' My brother is dead. I, uh... I don't have a wife. No kids, no friends. If I die tonight, no one would care. What difference would it make? :''[Saul looks up again and notices Jeff slowly getting himself up]'' :'''Frank''': Gene, buddy... I—I'm sure you mean a lot to... to a lot of—lots of people. ''[turns his head around again]'' :'''Saul''': ''[slams fist on table]'' If I die tonight, my landlord would pack up my stuff. It'd take him three hours. And Cinnabon would just hire a new manager. Gene who?! Poof, I'd be gone! I'd be... a–a ghost. No, not a ghost. I'd be a... a shadow. I'd just mean ''nothing.'' I mean, Frank... What's the ''point'', Frank? What's the... :''[Saul sees Jeff put away the clothes in the box. He groans as he watches Jeff run out of the warehouse, then claps when he's out of sight]'' :'''Saul''': ''[sighs]'' I'm sorry. You didn't need to hear that. :'''Frank''': No, no, no. That's–that's okay. No, that is okay. Everybody has bad days. :'''Saul''': You've felt like this? :'''Frank''': ...No. I mean, not me, but... people. I think a lot of people. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Saul''': You guys enjoying yourselves? Well, hold on to that feeling, 'cause this is it. :'''Jeff''': Yeah, we know. :'''Saul''': Well, in case you forget, you transported stolen goods with a value exceeding $5,000. And the truck you used to do it was rented in Council Bluffs across state lines. :'''Jeff''': You told us to rent the truck over there, so— :'''Saul''': ''[motions for Jeff to stop talking]'' Theft from an interstate shipment, up to ten years. Transportation of stolen goods, another ten years. Sale of stolen goods, ten years. Conspiracy to commit a federal crime— :'''Buddy''': Whoa, hold on. Conspiracy? It was your idea. :'''Saul''': Yeah. It's called mutually assured destruction, so... if I go down, you go down. :'''Jeff''': Man, you don't have to threaten us. We're all friends here. :'''Saul''': I am not your friend. And if you get greedy, and you decide to come back for more, ''don't.'' Gene Takavic, you've never heard of him. Cottonwood Mall, you don't go there. You see me comin', you cross to the other side of the street. :'''Jeff''': Dude. :'''Saul''': Now, I need you to say it. We're done. :'''Jeff''': ''[pause; laughs]'' Come on! :'''Saul''': Say it. ''We're done. '''Say it.''''' :'''Jeff''': ''[beat; looks at his friend briefly]'' We're done. :'''Buddy''': ''[pause]'' We're–we're done. === ''[[w:Breaking Bad (Better Call Saul) | Breaking Bad]]'' [6.11] === :''[Saul, with his limbs duct-taped and a bag over his head, lies on the floor of an RV.]'' :'''Saul''': Guys, c'mon. Talk to me! ''Habla, por favor! Yo soy abogado! Abogado, abogado!'' Aw-- Crap! You already knew that! Jesus, fellas, there's a better way to do this! Hello? Oh-- Why- Wha-- Why are we going off-road? Oh! Whoa! Whatever this is, can we please don't do it in the desert? ''Anywhere but the desert!'' Oh-- Oh, God, I'm gonna be sick... :''[The RV stops and two masked men walk up, cutting the tape at Saul's legs and forcing him upright.]'' :'''Saul:''' Alright, fellas... This-- we can-- We can fix this! Whatever the ''problemo'', we can fix it with ''dinero. Mucho dinero! Mucho, mucho, mucho dinero!'' C'mon, please, one of you just, just-- You talk, ''habla!'' C'mon, b-before mistakes are made! C'mon, talk to me, guys, huh? :''[The RV door closes to reveal [[w:Pilot_(Breaking_Bad)| five bullet holes covered with duct tape.]]]'' :'''Saul:''' C'mon, just tell me what you want! Jeez... :''[The bag is taken off Saul's head to reveal an open grave in the middle of the desert]'' :'''Saul:''' Oh! Oh, no, no, no, no, no! No! [[w:Better Call Saul (Breaking Bad)| It wasn't me! It was Ignacio, he's the one!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Francesca answers a payphone at an abandoned convenience store outside of Albuquerque. On the other end of the line is Saul, calling from a phone booth outside a diner in rural Nebraska under his Gene Takavic alias.]'' :'''Francesca''': Yeah. :'''Saul''': Oh, good. You're there. Great. Great. Unencumbered by curious eyes and ears, I'm guessing? :'''Francesca''': Wouldn't have picked up otherwise. :'''Saul''': Right. Excellent. Um, okay. Well then... Lay it on me. :'''Francesca''': First things first. :'''Saul''': No, I believe we agreed after. :'''Francesca''': I'm hanging up. :'''Saul''': Okay, okay then! Jeez! I... Okay, if you're facing the phone, turn right ninety degrees and, uh, walk straight. You'll see some pieces of broken concrete in the dirt. Just pull back the one that's kinda shaped like New Jersey. :'''Francesca''': New Jersey? :'''Saul''': Alfred Hitchcock in a fez, whatever. Just pull that one back, and you'll see a, um, soda can tap. It's got a fishing line tied to it. Follow that line, it'll take you to an old water line, and just keep pulling the string and you'll get what I promised. :''[Francesca leaves the phone off the hook and follows Saul's instructions. She soon retrieves a pouch containing three bundles of cash, amounting to several thousand dollars. She returns to the payhone.]'' :'''Francesca''': Okay. :'''Saul''': Great. Was it all there? I mean, the rats didn't eat it or anything? :'''Francesca''': It's all here. :'''Saul''': ''[exhales]'' Okay. Well, uh, tell me... how hot. :'''Francesca''': How hot? :'''Saul''': Yeah. :'''Francesca''': Well, I still get followed. Not as often as [[w:Ozymandias (Breaking Bad) | when the shit first hit the fan]], but I still see them. My mail gets opened. My phone at home clicks whenever I use it. :'''Saul''': So the maestro buying the farm didn't change anything? :'''Francesca''': No. If anything, it made it worse. [[w:Skyler White | Skyler White]] got her deal, so the only ones left to go after are you and Pinkman. And I heard [[w:El Camino: A Breaking Bad Movie | they found his car down by the border]], so adios dopehead. :'''Saul''': Oh, so they're still on to me. Well... Hey, what do you know about the nail salons? :'''Francesca''': Nail salons are gone. :'''Saul''': What? Gone? All of them? :'''Francesca''': Yup. :'''Saul''': What about the vending machines? :'''Francesca''': Gone. :'''Saul''': Jesus! Don't tell me, the laser tag... :'''Francesca''': Feds found it all, Saul. :'''Saul''': How?! It was shells within shells! Dammit! Dammit!! Okay... okay... Hey— oh. Let's say there was an overseas account, Antigua and Barbuda— :'''Francesca''': Tiger Fish Corporation? :'''Saul''': What? :'''Francesca''': Tiger Fish Corporation? 850K? I gave it to the feds. :'''Saul''': You did what? Why would you do that?! :''[An automated message tells Saul that his phone time has expired. He hurriedly puts more quarters into the payphone.]'' :'''Saul''': ''God dammit!'' :'''Francesca''': You—you put my name on the board of a fictional corporation. I had to give it up, I didn't really have a choice. And a heads-up would have been nice, by the way! :'''Saul''': So it's gone? It's all gone. Those sons of bitches took everything. :'''Francesca''': Except what you took with you, and I'm guessing that wasn't chump change. :'''Saul''': Yeah, well... :'''Francesca''': Well... Guess that's it. :'''Saul''': Wait, wait, wait! C'mon, I just put more quarters in! Can't you just... I don't know... give me the lowdown? :'''Francesca''': There's nothing else. :'''Saul''': Well, that's not true. After all this time? You know, come on. Just fill me in. Um... How's Kuby? :'''Francesca''': No idea. :'''Saul''': Alright, how about Huell? :'''Francesca''': Huell? I guess back home in New Orleans. DEA held him under false pretenses or something, so last I heard he walked. :'''Saul''': Good. Um, how about Danny? Or—or Ira? I mean, any word on those two guys? :'''Francesca''': They have Internet where you are? :'''Saul''': Well, just... C'mon, give me something. There's gotta be some news. :'''Francesca''': Remember Bill Oakley? He switched sides. :'''Saul''': He came out, huh? :'''Francesca''': No, he's not gay. He's a defense attorney now. :'''Saul''': Huh. Well, I mean... What about you? How are you doing? :'''Francesca''': ''[sarcastically]'' I'm just great. [[w:Rainier III, Prince of Monaco|Prince Rainier]] proposed. The private jet is taking us to the palace on Thursday. :'''Saul''': Yeah. Okay, well... I guess that's it, then. :''[Francesca mulls over what to tell Saul next.]'' :'''Francesca''': I did get one call, after everything went down. ''[pause]'' Kim. Checking in on me. :'''Saul''': No kidding? :'''Francesca''': ''Mm-hmm''. Your name came up. Asked if you were alive. :'''Saul''': She asked about me... ''[pause]'' What did you tell her? :'''Francesca''': Nothing. :'''Saul''': But she asked. :'''Francesca''': Yup. :'''Saul''': ''[long pause]'' ...Yeah, okay. Well, I guess this is goodbye— :''[Francesca hangs up without saying anything.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Saul goes inside the RV driven by the two masked men [[w:Better Call Saul (Breaking Bad)| who kidnapped him and brought him to the desert]]]'' :'''Saul''': What the hell is this? It's like [[w:James Whale|James Whale]]'s travelling roadshow in here. :''[Jesse Pinkman, a ski mask pulled up over his face, steps in behind him.]'' :'''[[w:Jesse Pinkman |Jesse]]''': Whatever the hell that is, Crystal Ship definitely travels. :''[Walt enters and shuts the door behind him, incredulous. Meanwhile, Saul explores the RV.]'' :'''[[w:Walter White (Breaking Bad) | Walter]]''': I'm sorry, you said the ''what'' travels? :'''Jesse''': Crystal Ship. What I call this thing. :'''Walter''': Alright, never mind, just... No details. We're paying him to do a job, let's just leave it at that. :'''Saul''': "No details?" Fellas, that–that money you put in my pocket, that doesn't just extend to this job. That can get you attorney-client privilege on—on all matters! :'''Walter''': ''No details.'' :'''Saul''': Look at this setup. I mean–What, you two driving around like Mr. Softee, scooping out drugs for all the good boys and girls? :'''Jesse''': No, we don't deal from here. :'''Walter''': I said no details! :'''Jesse''': Dude is standing in front of a meth lab, it's not like he ain't gonna put two and two together! :'''Walter''': He is on a need-to-know basis. :'''Jesse''': Uh, I didn't wanna show my face. Did he need to know that? :'''Saul''': So, you're not just distribution. You're the whole freakin' package. :''[Saul leans up against a table, considering Walt and Jesse before turning to the lab equipment.]'' :'''Saul''': You two actually make the blue stuff? ''[brief pause]'' Here?! ''[chuckles and picks up a flask]'' That's amazing! :'''Walter''': Can you not touch...? :'''Saul''': I mean, look at this! I had a fish that could've used this as a vacation home, but you're using it to make the goods, huh? :'''Jesse''': Yeah, it's a, um, round-bottom flask. ''[turns to Walt]'' Right? Round-bottom? ''[Walt grimaces and says nothing]'' It's a flask for distilling. :'''Walter''': It won't be if you break it. Now please, put it down. :'''Saul''': Oh. ''[clears his throat]'' Okay, so if you cook the blue stuff... ''[to Jesse]'' that means you're Igor and— ''[to Walt]'' and that makes you... You're Heisenberg. Wow. Hey, tell me, how-how much product can you churn out with a setup like this? :'''Walter''': Alright, we're done. We're done with the questions. ''We'' ask the questions. You have ''a'' job—''one'' job—and I still don't understand how you're gonna pull it off. :'''Saul''': Listen, when I get all my ducks in a row, I'll give you a PowerPoint down at the office. But until then, just—just bring what we talked about, okay? And don't worry! I'm gonna make it work. :'''Walter''': I'm taking the eighty thousand as a starting point for negotiation. :'''Saul''': Take it any way you want. That's the price and, um... ''[clears throat again]'' I'm calling shotgun. ''[saunters up and plops down in the passenger's seat]'' :'''Walter''': ''[to Jesse, who attempts to take the driver's seat]'' I will drive. :'''Jesse''': Oh, yeah. Sure. I'll just... stand. I guess. ''[under his breath]'' Dick. :'''Saul''': At least you won't be rolling around like the last Christmas ham in the back of the delivery truck, you know? I—I've got bad knees. ''[to Walt]'' I think you might've messed up my rotator cuff. You're lucky I'm not charging you for my chiropractor, she's expensive. ''[to Jesse]'' But she adjusts ''everything.'' :''[Walt starts the RV, which immediately stalls out.]'' :'''Walter''': Dammit. :'''Jesse''': You gotta give it some ''gas'' when you're backing up. :'''Walter''': I gave it the proper amount of gas. :'''Jesse''': I guess that's why we're "moving", then. :'''Walter''': Look, it just was... idling too long. It'll start. :''[Walt attempts to turn over the ignition again and it sputters.]'' :'''Jesse''': Oh, you should've just let me drive, yo! :'''Walter''': Look, nothing would be different in this moment except you panicking and flooding the engine. :'''Jesse''': ''[scoffs]'' Bullshit. :'''Saul''': Look, fellas, I was enjoying the [[w:Laurel and Hardy|Laurel and Hardy]] vibe, but I'm not such a fan of [[w:The Bickersons|the Bickersons]]. Now, can you get me back to my office? I—I got work to do if you want me to make some magic. :'''Walter''': We just need to sit a moment, that's all. When it idles too long, the fuel pump overheats, and so we just need to let it cool down. :''[Walt takes the key out of the ignition, plunging the RV into darkness. Walt clears his own throat, which turns into a cough. A bit of blood spills onto his hand and he wipes it away, but Saul notices. He gives Walt a once-over and Walt responds with a glare of his own, which prompts Saul to turn his attention to the window.]'' :'''Jesse''': So... who's Lalo? :'''Saul''': ...Who? :'''Jesse''': Lalo. Thought some dude named Lalo sent us? You seemed pretty freaked out. Never heard of no Lalo on the street. :'''Saul''': ''[beat]'' It's nobody. ''[to Walt]'' Hey, are you gonna try that again? 'Cause... Or are they gonna find us, y'know, buried in a sandstorm a thousand years from now? Just, please. :''[Walt turns the key and the RV springs to life once again]'' :'''Jesse''': ''[sarcastically]'' Bravo. :'''Saul''': I second that! I'm gonna give you two free words of advice: Jiffy. Lube. :'''Walter''': Hold on. :''[They drive off out of the desert, leaving behind the hole that Walt and Jesse previously dug up.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Saul is lying on the floor with his feet in the Swing Master as Mike enters his office]'' :'''Saul:''' Ho, enter sunshine! Cast some light into my cool, dark world! :''[Mike doesn't say anything, sitting on the couch and looking at a newspaper crossword puzzle]'' :'''Saul:''' Hello? You're on the clock, right? So, get with the info any time. :'''Mike:''' When you're done. :'''Saul:''' No, I can multitask. Please. :'''Mike:''' I'm not gonna talk to you while you're on... whatever ''that'' is. :'''Saul:''' You know, LBJ used to have his underlings give him reports while he was on the shitter. :'''Mike:''' ''Ah-hah.'' Well, either I'm gonna leave or I'm gonna put my foot in your skull. :'''Saul:''' ''[sighs]'' ...Fine. ''[gets up off the floor]'' You should try one of these. You walk like Frankenstein after he was probed by aliens. ''Ha!'' I can get you one. Would do wonders for your chi. ''[puts on his suit jacket and seats himself behind his desk]'' Let's go. Lay it on me. :''[Mike walks to the desk and hands Saul an envelope containing photos.]'' :'''Mike:''' Alright. First: there's your Mrs. Denise Gabbler. She's cheating, alright. :'''Saul:''' ''[whistles]'' Limber! ''Ha-ha!'' Well, at least I know they didn't spot you. No one could stay that aroused with your mug peeking through the window. ''[Mike stares at Saul, stone-faced; he doesn't respond]'' What else you got? :'''Mike:''' Well, next I followed your bus driver. Newsflash: He really does have a broken neck. :'''Saul:''' Fantastic. That makes my life much easier. Keep it coming. :'''Mike:''' Second-story guy out of Indianapolis, Lasky? Did a dime at Menard. Now, if you're looking for a tenor who will keep his mouth shut, you can trust him. I say he's worth keeping an eye on. :'''Saul:''' Second-story guy, second-story guy... I—I got more second-story guys in my book than pimples at a junior prom. That... ''[inhales]'' What about, uh, that Heisenberg fella? :'''Mike:''' High school chemistry teacher. :'''Saul:''' You're shittin' me, really? :'''Mike:''' Walter Hartwell White. Chemistry teacher over at J. P. Wynne. Working with a former student, current meth head, one Jesse Pinkman. :'''Saul:''' Wow... Uh, what else about the teacher? :'''Mike:''' He has lung cancer. :'''Saul:''' ''Jesus.'' That's why he can't quit with the coughing. How bad? :'''Mike:''' Stage 3A. He's in treatment, more tests to come. But it doesn't look good. Now listen, even if this guy was gonna live, I wouldn't go near him. He's a complete amateur. :'''Saul:''' Well, you see an amateur, I see 170 pounds of clay ready to be molded. :'''Mike:''' Well, if the cancer doesn't get him, it will be the cops or a bullet to the head. :'''Saul:''' Is that your appraisal, or is that what [[w:Gus Fring | He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named]] says about him? :'''Mike:''' He didn't say anything. The guy is small potatoes. :'''Saul:''' Yeah, okay. I hear ya. I just—I got a feeling about this. This Heisenberg guy's got something. It's top-of-the-line product, that's the buzz on the street. And I just think with the right management— :'''Mike:''' You know, years ago I bought a [[w:Betamax|Betamax]]. Good product, top of the line. Experts said it was better than a VHS. Turned out to be a complete waste of time and money. :'''Saul:''' ''Hm?'' :'''Mike:''' ''[sternly]'' Let it go. :'''Saul:''' ''[sighs]'' ...Guy with that mustache probably doesn't make a lot of good life choices. So yeah, the second-story guy. Menard, you said? :'''Mike:''' Yeah, right, right, right. Alright, part of a high-end crew fencing jewelry up into Canada. Now, Lasky kid caught a bad break. Cop was driving by just as he was ducking in a window. He did the time, no one else on his crew went down. Solid. :''[Saul stares off into space, not paying attention to what Mike is saying.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Saul learns that Jeff's friend, Buddy, bailed on one of their scams and confronts him in the garage behind Jeff's house.]'' :'''Saul''': You're kidding me! Absolutely kidding me! :'''Buddy''': I'm sorry, man. I couldn't do it. :'''Saul''': Do you know how much time, how much effort I put into finding the perfect mark?! I have to weed through all these saps who have wives and families at home! Find somebody who's alone, with money! And what—So you can just wimp out?! :'''Buddy''': The guy has cancer, man! I found pills in his pocket, okay? The same ones my dad took. For, like, pancreatic cancer. :'''Saul''': So a guy with cancer can't be an asshole? ''[chuckles]'' Believe me! I speak from experience! :'''Buddy''': I can't rip off a guy with cancer. I'm sorry. :'''Saul''': Do you know how many of the suckers we've ripped off had sob stories?! ''Every single one of them!'' Besides, it'll be ''months'' before they even realize they've been taken! This guy will already be dead! So please get back in your truck, go back to the house, and finish the job! :'''Buddy''': ''[beat]'' No, man. I can't do that! I can't! :'''Saul''': Alright, I get it! You'll get over it, okay? Please, believe me. Before you know it, you'll forget all about it. ''[softly]'' Go. :'''Buddy''': Look, we're doing really well, right? Hear me out, okay? I mean, we're rolling in cash! We can just let this one go! :'''Saul''': Not your call. :'''Buddy''': ''[sighs]'' Yeah, but I... I pulled the tape when I left! The door's locked! We couldn't get back in even if we wanted to! ''[Saul angrily slaps the top of Jeff's car]'' Jeff, come on, man! Back me up here! :'''Jeff''': Oh, well I... I don't know. I mean, I can see both sides kinda. :'''Saul''': You know what? Forget it, you're fired. Just go! Just give me the camera and go! :'''Buddy''': ''[hands Saul his camera]'' Fine. :'''Saul''': GOOD! Go, we don't need you! And I know I don't need to tell you this, but since you're such a goddamn amateur, I will anyway! Keep your mouth ''shut''. :''[Buddy gives Jeff one last glance before leaving the garage.]'' :'''Saul''': ''[to Jeff]'' If we're gonna do this, we should leave now. :'''Jeff''': ...We're really gonna go back there? :'''Saul''': What did I just say? Jeff, are you in or out?! === ''Waterworks'' [6.12] === :'''Kim:''' Kim Wexler. :'''Jimmy:''' Hey! Kim Wexler... You know who this is? :''[Kim remains silent.]'' :'''Jimmy:''' I'm gonna take that as a "yes". Uh, that receptionist of yours, is she the type to listen in? :'''Kim:''' No. :'''Jimmy:''' Good! Okay! So... How's Florida been treating you? I'm catching you between hurricanes, I hope. Kim? You there? :'''Kim:''' What do you want? :'''Jimmy:''' No, I don't... I don't want anything, I just-- It's been a while, y'know, I was just... I was thinking, it's been a while? And, uh... It might be nice to catch up! :'''Kim:''' Catch up? :'''Jimmy:''' Yeah, my mind was wandering this morning, just... Not thinking anything in particular, just random thoughts and bam, it suddenly occurred to me, it's been six years. I mean, Jesus. I-- I couldn't believe it! :''[Another long beat.]'' :'''Jimmy:''' I thought you might wanna... know I'm still alive. Yep. I'm still out here! Still getting away with it! Feds couldn't find their own ass with both hands and a proctologist. :'''Kim:''' You shouldn't be calling me. :'''Jimmy:''' Oh, hey! You're awake. :'''Kim:''' You shouldn't be calling! :'''Jimmy:''' Why not? What, am I tying up the line from important irrigation business? I mean, c'mon, Kim, say something. Hey, call me an asshole! Yell at me! Just-- let me know you still got a pulse. Just ''say'' something! :'''Kim:''' You want me to say something? :'''Jimmy:''' Yeah! :'''Kim:''' You should turn yourself in. :'''Jimmy:''' Do what? :'''Kim:''' You heard me. I don't know what kind of life you've been living, but it can't be much. :'''Jimmy:''' Said the pot to the kettle! What-- Y-- That is--! That is really rich, you-- ''you'' preaching to ''me?!'' See-- You have no idea what I did or didn't do, okay? A-And, and w-- Why don't you turn ''your''self in? Seeing as how ''you're'' the one with the guilty conscience, huh? What i-- What is stopping you, huh? Fring's in the ground. Mike's in the ground, Lalo's in the ground, apparently. You d-- You don't have to hold back on my account! They can only hang me once, so what-- So go ahead! Spill your guts, put on your hair shirt, see what it gets you! Why are-- Kim, why are we even talking about this? We're both too smart to throw our lives away for no reason, just... I just-- I only wanted to... Kim-- Kim...! Kim... :'''Kim:''' I'm glad you're alive. :''[She hangs up.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cheryl Hamlin has just finished reading Kim's written confession, describing the events of Season 6 up to and including Howard's death.]'' :'''Cheryl:''' ...why? :'''Kim:''' He was... in the wrong place at the wrong time. :'''Cheryl:''' Where's his body? :'''Kim:''' I don't know. :'''Cheryl:''' And the police... will they search again? :'''Kim:''' They'll search. I don't think they'll find him. Cheryl, he-- It-- It all happened in an instant, and he didn't-- he didn't suffer. :'''Cheryl:''' "He didn't suffer?" The lies you two made up, the picture you painted... That's all he is now! That's all ''anybody'' remembers! :'''Kim:''' I wanna change that. :'''Cheryl:''' What happens now? Will you be tried? Will you go to jail? :'''Kim:''' I dunno. :'''Cheryl:''' You're a lawyer, right? You're a g- A ''great'' one, Howard said! How could you ''not know?'' :'''Kim:''' Burnham Legal County has my affidavit. It's up to the District Attorney whether to prosecute. And she may not :'''Cheryl:''' ''Why?'' :'''Kim:''' There's no physical evidence. No remaining witnesses other than my ex-husband, assuming he's still alive. :'''Cheryl:''' I could sue you in Civil Court, I could take everything you've got. :'''Kim:''' Yeah. :'''Cheryl:''' ...why are you doing this? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kim stands outside Saul's office, attempting to light a cigarette. The camera pans to reveal Jesse Pinkman leaning against a wall. He calls out to her:]'' :'''Jesse:''' Hey, yo... can I bum one of those? :''[Kim pauses before offering him the cigarette. Jesse takes it and she lights it for him.]'' :'''Jesse:''' Thanks. Mm. ''[He gestures towards the rain.]'' What's up with this shit? :'''Kim:''' Raining. :'''Jesse:''' Yeah. I dunno, it's... It's crazy! Like, bananas, all this rain. I mean, I thought we were, like, in a desert, y'know? :''[A long beat.]'' :'''Jesse:''' You're a lawyer, right? Yeah. I recognize you. You defended my buddy, Combo. Christian Ortega? Juvie Court? Little Baby Jesus? I mean, not like a ''real'' Baby Jesus, just, uh... Y'know, one of those things outside of the Church? :'''Kim:''' Nativity Scene. :'''Jesse:''' Yeah. :'''Kim:''' Knights of Columbus. :'''Jesse:''' I mean, what the ''hell'' did he even want that thing for? Huh? I mean, I-- I still don't know, ''dumbass''. I told him he could go to Hell for stealing something like that, I mean, but did he listen to me? No. But you... You got him off, like, scot-free, that... That was pretty slick, yo! :'''Kim:''' Well... Tell him I hope he's keeping his nose clean. :'''Jesse:''' Yeah, yeah. Right on. Absolutely. Ugh. Hey, so, you having all this expertise and all... This guy, Goodman... He the real deal? Like, lawyer-wise? :'''Kim:''' Why do you ask? :'''Jesse:''' I got a buddy in there who's facing some serious time. I mean, not... y'know, not Baby Jesus time, but... but serious, y'know, he needs top-shelf legal representation. And I tell him that, right? But, y'know, he sees this dude's commercials on TV, and this is where he wants to go... I mean, I tell him, "Yo... Emilio, y'know, a funny TV commercial's not a sound... basis for, like, y'know... I mean, like, would you go to a doctor to do an operation on you in, like, a... On, like your spleen, or whatever... All on the fact that there was a funny TV commercial? No. I mean, c'mon. How is this ''any'' different, y'know?" Anyways... This guy. Any good? :''[Kim throws her cigarette away.]'' :'''Kim:''' When I knew him, he was. :''[She pulls her hood up and runs out into the rain.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jimmy has just discovered Marion watching videos on the internet. He opens up her computer to find one of his old commercials playing, then re-shuts it.]'' :'''Jimmy:''' What's that? :'''Marion:''' ...you tell me. :'''Jimmy:''' Marion, do you think that's me? 'Cause it's not. :'''Marion:''' There never was a Nippy, was there? :'''Jimmy:''' What did Jeff tell you? :'''Marion:''' Oh, he didn't tell me anything. [[w:AskJeeves | AskJeeves]] told me. I typed in "conman" and "Albuquerque". And up you popped, big as day. :''[Marion reaches for her phone.]'' :'''Jimmy:''' What are you doing, Marion? :'''Marion:''' What do you think I'm doing? I'm calling the police. :'''Jimmy:''' Here. Let me help you with that. :''[Jimmy rips the phone line from the wall and backs Marion into a corner.]'' :'''Jimmy:''' Listen, I think we're losing sight of the bigger picture here, okay? Jeff is in trouble, and I wanna help him. He and I could sure use your support here! :'''Marion:''' What'd you get my son into?! :'''Jimmy:''' Nothing that he didn't ask for. :''[Jimmy shoves Marion's chair to the side and wraps the phone cord around his fists.]'' :'''Jimmy:''' Listen, I'm still the good friend you thought I was, okay? Jeff understands me! Buddy understands me! And you will, too. You just have to, uh... Y'know, keep things on an even keel, alright? :''[Marion pulls out her [[w:Life Alert Emergency Response | LifeAlert button]], threatening Jimmy with it as he closes in.]'' :'''Jimmy:''' What have you got there? Put that down. Put that down, Marion. Put it down. Do not do it, Marion. Final warning... :''[Jimmy takes it out of her grasp.]'' :'''Marion:''' I trusted you. :''[Jimmy holds on to the button for a few moments, guilt quickly setting in before he lets it go. Marion grasps the button again and presses it.]'' :'''Valerie:''' Marion? This is Valerie, with LifeAlert. Are you okay? :'''Marion:''' No, Valerie, I'm not okay! There's a criminal standing in my kitchen, threatening me -- he's a wanted man, and his name is Saul Goodman! :'''Valerie:''' Alright, Marion? I'm calling the police, I'm calling right now. :''[Jimmy sprints out of the kitchen and exits the house. Marion looks on in shock.]'' === ''Saul Gone'' [6.13] === == External links == {{wikipedia}} [[Category:Better Call Saul seasons]] [[Category:Split television seasons]] e3rfjgmima8122inqubgzqm08q46zj9 3153030 3152957 2022-08-09T22:52:38Z Jzummak 26978 /* Waterworks [6.12] */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} ---- :'''Season''' [[Better Call Saul (season 1)|1]] [[Better Call Saul (season 2)|2]] [[Better Call Saul (season 3)|3]] [[Better Call Saul (season 4)|4]] [[Better Call Saul (season 5)|5]] [[Better Call Saul (season 6)|6]] | [[Better Call Saul|'''Main''']] ---- The following is a list of quotes from the sixth season of ''[[Better Call Saul]]''. === ''[[w:Wine and Roses|Wine and Roses]]'' [6.01] === :''[Mike, Gus, and Tyrus gather in the office trailer at the Los Pollos Hermanos chicken farm to discuss the aftermath of the attempted hit on Lalo Salamanca.]'' :'''Gus:''' Tell me again about the ''sicario'' who made the final report. :'''Tyrus:''' He was already wounded when he talked to our cutout. Federales found him dead at the scene. But they got Salamanca. :'''Gus:''' The mercenaries are dead. To a man. And yet their mission was a success? :'''Mike:''' It has been known to happen. Now you go down there and get Varga, bring him home safe. There's ways to do it on the quiet. :''[Long pause; Gus and Tyrus both stare at him.]'' :'''Mike:''' ''[scoffs]'' ...Unless you already have something in the works. :''[Tyrus turns and exits the trailer. Mike and Gus speak alone.]'' :'''Gus:''' Speak your mind. :'''Mike:''' Loyalty goes both ways. Varga's done everything you asked him. :'''Gus:''' He wasn't given a choice. :'''Mike:''' Maybe so, but he played a tough game. And he played it on the square. :'''Gus:''' ...And? :'''Mike:''' When all is said and done, the kid deserves your respect. :'''Gus:''' He has it. Is there more you wish to say? :''[After a long pause, Mike exits the trailer.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jimmy and Kim have dinner at a diner; conversation turns to the Ford Taurus that Jimmy has rented.]'' :'''Jimmy:''' I rented us a car. It's the Ford. :'''Kim:''' So Saul Goodman drives a brown Ford Taurus? :'''Jimmy:''' Detroit calls that taupe, I believe. :'''Kim:''' Don't you think Saul Goodman would drive something with a little more... flair? :'''Jimmy:''' Such as? :'''Kim:''' I don't know. Definitely American-made. Something showy. And Saul Goodman has an office. Something eye-catching. Good location. :'''Jimmy:''' By the courthouse? :'''Kim:''' Yeah. A cathedral of justice. :'''Jimmy:''' ''Ooooh'', a cathedral of justice. Okay, yeah. :'''Kim:''' We should start looking for something for you. I mean, for Saul. :'''Jimmy:''' Sold. When do we start? <hr width="50%"/> :''[At the courthouse, Jimmy is confronted by the district attorney who prosecuted Lalo during his bail hearing]'' :'''ADA Khalil''': I've been calling you for two days. :'''Jimmy''': Oh, my girl's out sick. What can I do you for? :'''ADA Khalil''': Tomorrow morning, 10 A.M. :'''Jimmy''': Brunch? But just you and me, right? ''[points at Detective Roberts]'' I mean, won't the big fella here feel like a third wheel? :'''ADA Khalil''': You and I are meeting Parson in chambers. I am asking for an emergency hearing to alter the terms of De Guzman's release. :'''Jimmy''': Sounds like a blast. Unfortunately, I'm booked solid. :'''Detective Roberts''': I checked your client's place of residence. The address he gave, it's a Dairy Queen in Altamonte. The family that showed at the bail hearing can't be located. No driver's license, no tax rolls, no school records. Nothing. The fact is, there isn't a single Elizabeth McKinnon under the age of 73 living in New Mexico. :'''Jimmy''': Well, this is–this is surprising. :'''ADA Khalil''': Your client has disappeared, and I'm not waiting six weeks to start looking for him. :'''Jimmy''': Hey, my guy put up seven million in bail. You think he's just gonna walk away from that? :'''Detective Roberts''': Who comes up with seven million bucks in cash? :'''ADA Khalil''': You know what I think? I think the family was fake. ''[to Jimmy]'' And I think you knew it the whole time. :'''Jimmy''': Okay, hold up. Just get real for a second. The hearing didn't go your way, and now you're trying for a do-over? You say my guy ran, I say he's got seven million reasons for showing up when he's legally required to do so. So, no, I won't be... uh, due process window dressing at any crash meeting with Parson. And if you try throwing any of this crap around in front of the judge without my presence, here's an accusation: Prosecutorial misconduct. ''Career-ending'' prosecutorial misconduct! :'''Detective Roberts''': None of that changes the fact the guy's not who he said he was. :'''Jimmy''': No, no, no! Hold on! You guys got caught with your pants around your ankles, and somehow that's on me?! I don't think so! ''[points at ADA Khalil]'' You got two dozen lawyers up there! You got investigators—you got the whole damn police force—and it's ''my'' fault that you can't keep track of Lalo?! ''That is '''not''' my job!'' :'''ADA Khalil''': Lalo? Who's Lalo? :'''Jimmy''': What?! ''[blinks hard]'' What did I say... I meant De Guzman. I have more than one client! ''[chuckles]'' So... ''[clears throat]'' I will see you at the preliminary in six weeks as scheduled. Until then, I have clients who need me. :''[Jimmy walks into an empty courtroom and sits down while contemplating his slip-up]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jimmy takes a guided tour of the country club where Howard and Cliff are members, meeting with a tour guide named Norm in the main lounge.]'' :'''Norm:''' Hi, Norm Wakely. I understand you're in the market for a tour. :'''Jimmy:''' That's right. Saul Goodman. :'''Norm:''' Great to meet you, Mr. Goodman. :'''Jimmy:''' No please, call me Saul. :'''Norm:''' Great. So Saul, can I get you anything before we get started? The coffee here is just unbeatable. :'''Jimmy:''' Uh, well, I'm fine. I'm fully caffeinated. :''[Kevin Wachtell walks into the room and becomes upset upon seeing Jimmy in the lounge.]'' :'''Norm:''' Well Saul, you and I are standing on hallowed ground. Five presidents have played on our course, starting with Dwight D. Eisenhower. But the story goes back even further than that– :'''Kevin:''' ''Norm.'' :''[Jimmy and Norm turn toward Kevin.]'' :'''Kevin:''' Can I have a sec, please? :'''Jimmy:''' Kevin, hey. How's it going? :'''Norm:''' Uh, I'm sorry. I'm sure this will just be a moment. :''[Norm goes over to Kevin and talks to him for a few moments, clearly being instructed to remove Jimmy from the premises.]'' :'''Norm:''' Mr. Goodman. I'm so sorry, but I've just been reminded that in fact we have a two-year waiting list. :'''Jimmy:''' Two years, wow. Maybe I could go on the tour anyway. I mean, 'cause I'm here. Just in case. :'''Norm:''' Well unfortunately, we've suspended tours for the moment. :'''Jimmy:''' You're not even giving tours? :'''Norm:''' I apologize for the inconvenience. We–we'll be happy to call you if the situation changes. You left your number? :'''Jimmy:''' Uh-huh. :'''Norm:''' Well, we'll be in touch. If the situation changes. Again, I–I am sorry for your time and trouble. We just– ''[sighs]'' We had a few crosswires. :'''Jimmy:''' Well... okay then. :'''Norm:''' Thank you. :''[Jimmy is about the leave the lounge, but impulsively stops, turns around, and approaches Norm again.]'' :'''Jimmy:''' I'm sorry. :'''Norm:''' Oh, yes. :'''Jimmy:''' Um, just so I understand: you were going to give me a tour and then realized you don't need new members? :'''Norm:''' We have a waiting list. :'''Jimmy:''' Okay, but you're the membership director... :'''Norm:''' I know. :'''Jimmy:''' ...so you would have known that before. It doesn't really add up. I mean, I came in and everyone was rolling out the red carpet, and then all of a sudden something changed. I don't– :'''Norm:''' Mr. Goodman, I– :'''Jimmy:''' ''Goodman.'' The name. The second you heard it, everything turned on a dime. Wow. Waiting list? I think you're talking about an ''exclusion'' list. It's okay, I should have known. Because, I mean, look! ''[raises his voice and walks to the middle of the lounge, where everyone can see him]'' It's wall-to-wall mayonnaise in here! So listen, if you're going to be restrictive, have the courage to say so! :'''Norm:''' There's no question– :'''Jimmy:''' There it is, folks! Anti-Semitism, alive and well right here in Albuquerque! :'''Norm:''' Sir! We have many Jewish members! :'''Jimmy:''' Oh good. Well, you met your quota then. Gold star for you. :''[Kevin, flanked by two of his golf buddies, interjects.]'' :'''Kevin:''' Hold on. That's gotta be the biggest load of horse crap I've ever heard in my life. Go crawl back in your hole, McGill or Goodman – whatever you're calling yourself. What are you up to, anyway? Ginning up another one of your put-up job lawsuits? You two-faced, blackmailing, money-grubbing son of a bitch– :'''Jimmy:''' Money-grubbing! You're saying the quiet part out loud, I think. :'''Norm:''' Gentlemen, can we just keep the volume down? :'''Kevin:''' You know damn well that's not what I meant! :'''Jimmy:''' In this day and age, I'd hoped and prayed we'd be beyond this. :'''Kevin:''' You're about as Jewish as my Aunt Fannie! :'''Jimmy:''' Five-thousand years and it never ends! :''[Kevin tries to take a swing at Jimmy, but is held back by his golf buddies.]'' :'''Jimmy:''' ''Here it is! Violence! It always comes to this!'' :'''Norm:''' Mr. Wachtell, please! :'''Kevin's Buddy:''' Come on, Kev. :'''Kevin:''' ''[to Jimmy]'' You go to hell, you lying sack of shit. :''[Kevin and his golf buddies leave the lounge.]'' :'''Norm:''' Sir. Mr. Goodman, I don't know what to say. That is not– :'''Jimmy:''' I wouldn't be a member here. I wouldn't walk through those doors again after what happened to me here today. ''[feigns tears]'' Do you at least have a bathroom that I could use, seeing as how my– Stress like that is hell on my diverticulitis. :'''Norm:''' The men's locker room is the closest. It's straight through there. :'''Jimmy:''' And I would be allowed to go in there? :'''Norm:''' Yes, of course. :'''Jimmy:''' I want you to know I don't blame you personally. I know you were just following orders. ''[to everyone in the lounge]'' It's okay, folks! I'm leaving! All is well! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lalo is preparing to be smuggled across the border with a group of undocumented immigrants when he decides to call the Casa Tranquila Nursing Home and speak to Hector. A nurse holds a phone up to Hector's ear in the common room. Hector uses his bell to communicate.]'' :'''Lalo:''' ''[in Spanish]'' Uncle, can you hear me? Do you know my voice? :''[Hector visibly recognizes Lalo's voice.]'' :'''Hector:''' ''[rings bell twice]'' :'''Lalo:''' They told you about the attack, didn't they? :'''Hector:''' ''[rings once]'' :'''Lalo:''' Let them keep believing I'm dead. So much the better. It was the chicken man. That coward sat up there in the north while his paramilitaries came into my home. My home, Uncle! Screw Bolsa, screw Eladio. I'm coming north. I'm going to hurt him. Hurt him like you taught me. And then I will kill him. :'''Hector:''' ''[rings repeatedly in agreement]'' :'''Lalo:''' What is it? :''[The nurse takes the phone from Hector.]'' :'''Nurse:''' Hector? ''[to Lalo]'' Excuse me. I'm so sorry, but Hector seems a little upset. :'''Lalo:''' ''[in English]'' Yeah, sorry. Um, I'm just– I'm sharing a bit of family news, some good, some bad. Would you mind putting him back on? It will only be a minute. :'''Nurse:''' Of course. :''[The nurse again holds the phone to Hector's ear.]'' :'''Lalo:''' ''[in Spanish]'' Uncle? :'''Hector:''' ''[rings twice]'' :'''Lalo:''' What is it? Do you have another idea? :'''Hector:''' ''[rings twice]'' :'''Lalo:''' Okay, let's see. A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, Ñ, O, P– :'''Hector:''' ''[rings once]'' :'''Lalo:''' P? That's right? :'''Hector:''' ''[rings once]'' :'''Lalo:''' Okay. What's next? A, B, C, D... :''[Cut to the common room; Hector rings twice.]'' :'''Lalo:''' ...L, M, N, Ñ... :''[Cut to the common room; Hector rings once.]'' :'''Lalo:''' U? ''Prueba?'' :'''Hector:''' ''[rings once]'' :'''Lalo:''' Is that what you're saying? Proof? :'''Hector:''' ''[rings twice]'' :'''Lalo:''' Uncle, I don't have any proof. For months I was in the north watching him, following his men. There was nothing. :''[Lalo has a flash of realization.]'' :'''Lalo:''' Wait... There is proof. I know where to find it. Goodbye, Uncle. You will see me soon. === ''[[w:Carrot and Stick|Carrot and Stick]]'' [6.02] === :'''Jimmy''': "I was a hard worker. I was a company man. Twenty years, and I didn't miss a single day. They even gave me a plaque for it. ''[sighs]'' It was a gold plaque. Perfect attendance... But when they handed it to me, I wrenched my back. I was in so much pain, I couldn't do my job... ''[sighs again]'' which meant I couldn't put food on the table. I didn't want to sue... but with a family to support, what choice did I have?" :'''Kim''': Wait, who are you supposed to be again? :'''Jimmy''': Whatever. The backstory is just a placeholder. I'm gonna polish the script once we cast. :'''Kim''': But a personal injury suit? Best case scenario, that gets him in with an associate. :'''Jimmy''': ''[throws hands up]'' Mesothelioma. ''[clears his throat]'' "When I took that job down at the shoe factory, I had no idea I was risking my life. Now, I can't stop coughin'!" Right? Come on! Hey, a mesothelioma class-action built Clifford Main his vacation house. He hears "mesothelioma," his eyes pop! :'''Kim''': Well, sure. But then he takes the case. What happens when he asks for a medical evaluation? And how does Howard come up? :'''Jimmy''': Okay, ask me why I'm here. :'''Kim''': What brings you to Davis & Main today? :'''Jimmy''': "I'm sick. I'm really sick..." :'''Kim''': Good. :'''Jimmy''': "...and it's not mesothelioma, but it's not good. And I need a lawyer, and the pickings are slim. I already went to HHM. I met with their top guy, Howard Hamlin, and uh... Uhhh, I–I got a brother-in-law and he's got a pretty nasty coke habit, very similar energy. Just put me off. Anyway, I need a lawyer, blah-blah-blah." :'''Kim''': Okay, but you got a bad feeling from just one meeting? :'''Jimmy''': Yeah, I had the brother-in-law with the coke. :'''Kim''': Yeah, but you were only in the room with him once. :'''Jimmy''': Okay, so it's gotta be something with a history with Howard. :'''Kim''': Yeah. :'''Jimmy''': But Cliff has to want to take the meeting, but not the case. :'''Kim''': Right. :'''Jimmy''': ''[sighs]'' It's gotta be good, but not too good. :'''Kim''': Exactly. There's a sweet spot, you know. Like a magnet. We–we pull Cliff in, and then repel him. ''[beat]'' Oh! :'''Jimmy''': What? :'''Kim''': ''[sighs]'' You are going to ''hate'' this... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jimmy tracks down the Kettlemans to their shady tax preparation office and tries to rope them into his and Kim's plan to ruin Howard]'' :'''Betsy''': ''[to Jimmy]'' You've got some nerve coming here after what you did! ''[shoves Jimmy]'' ''Leave!'' Because of you, we lost ''everything!'' Our kids are in public school! So why don't you go crawl back under whatever slime-covered rock you came from and leave us the heck alone?! :'''Jimmy''': Okay, I sense some anger here, but that's–that's perfectly understandable. Since you brought it up, I came here today because I was curious if you two wanted your lives back. There's actually a legal term for it: Exoneration. :'''Craig''': Oh. You know, we actually did look into that. :'''Betsy''': Yep. :'''Craig''': We went to a number of lawyers, and— :'''Betsy''': ''Real'' lawyers. :'''Craig''': Yes. They were all terrific, but they said that it was impossible. :'''Betsy''': ''Mm-hmm''. :'''Jimmy''': Okay, but those lawyers don't know what I know. :'''Craig''': What's that? :'''Betsy''': No, Craig. He's got an angle. :'''Jimmy''': I ''do'' have an angle, Craig. It's an angle called justice. ''[Betsy scoffs and snickers]'' Let me put it this way: I think that within Craig's case, I have found the grounds for a civil suit. A big one. ''[pause; quietly]'' Big. :'''Betsy''': ''[long pause; looks at Craig]'' Okay, then. Let's hear it. :'''Jimmy''': Let's hold your horses, because we've been down this road before. [[w:Uno (Better Call Saul)|And the last time I gave you two advice, you went straight to the competition with it.]] ''[pulls out a piece of paper from inside his suit]'' So, I just need some assurances that all my hard work isn't gonna end up in the hands of, uh, Clifford Main or some other asshole at some pretentious high-pay, white-shoe law firm. So before we talk turkey, letters of engagement. :'''Craig''': Yes. :'''Jimmy''': Yeah, you remember these. I made some updates, just closed a few loopholes and whatnot. So... ''[holds out paper and pen]'' :'''Betsy''': ''[stops Craig from taking the pen]'' We're not signing anything. :'''Jimmy''': You have to sign if you want to know what I know. :'''Betsy''': ''We're not signing.'' :'''Jimmy''': Really? You're sure? :'''Betsy''': Yep. :'''Jimmy''': Craig? :'''Craig''': ''[looks at Betsy before shaking his head]'' Thanks anyway. :'''Jimmy''': ''[unclicks pen]'' Alright. Well, uh... Sorry we couldn't work something out. :'''Betsy''': I'm sure you are. :''[Jimmy overhears Betsy and Craig arguing as he walks around the trailer. He balls the pen in his fist]'' :'''Craig''': Mr. Goodman! :'''Jimmy''': ''[smiles; clicks pen and takes out letter]'' Best decision you've ever made. ''[turns his back to Craig for him to sign the letter]'' Here you go. :'''Betsy''': ''[after Craig signs the letter]'' So what do you know? :'''Jimmy''': You got one, too, Betsy. ''[holds out another letter]'' :''[Betsy snatches the pen and paper from Jimmy and signs the letter while pressing the pen hard on Jimmy's back]'' :'''Jimmy''': Oh, come on. That's not... ''Ow''. All right. Well, we're officially in business. Now, I have it on good authority here that Craig was not given proper counsel. :'''Betsy''': We already knew that. :'''Jimmy''': But did you ask yourselves why? :'''Craig''': No. Why? :'''Jimmy''': What if I told you that in your hour of need, the person who was supposed to be on your side was impaired? :'''Craig''': Impaired? :'''Jimmy''': It's a... a person of substance. ''[as Betsy and Craig talk to each other quietly]'' Substance in question being a certain illegal white powder. :'''Betsy''': That awful woman with the ponytail is a cocaine addict. :'''Jimmy''': No, not Kim Wexler! No! Craig's lead attorney, Howard Hamlin! :'''Craig''': Oh. I thought he was so... professional and energetic. Upbeat. :'''Betsy''': Oh... :'''Jimmy''': "Oh," is right. :'''Craig''': So upbeat is bad? :'''Jimmy''': In this case, it's textbook malpractice. The magic phrase is, "ineffective assistance of counsel." If your guy wasn't nose deep in the devil's dandruff, well, Craig's case would've turned out completely different. :'''Craig''': Oh, my God! :'''Betsy''': Don't we need some kind of proof? :'''Jimmy''': All the dirty laundry comes out in discovery. It’s just trips to rehab, secret drug deals. All we gotta do is get the ball rolling. So, I say we get started on your affidavits. :'''Craig''': Yes. :'''Betsy''': About that. We happen to know a thing or two about our rights, Mr. McGill. And it doesn’t matter what you force us to sign. We don’t have to work with any lawyer we don’t want. ''[gets in Jimmy's face]'' And that means... you’re fired. :'''Jimmy''': I am not fired. :'''Betsy''': Oh yes, you are! :'''Jimmy''': No! No! :'''Craig''': He’s fired? :'''Betsy''': Craig! :'''Jimmy''': No, you can’t fire me! I found this case, it’s mine! Hey, you wanna hear about rights?! The second you say where you got this information from, guess who automatically gets a cut?! ''Me! So go ahead! Go ahead, see what happens!'' :''[Jimmy pretends to be upset after the Kettlemans leave, but slowly starts smiling as he walks away]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Gus and Juan Bolsa visit Hector at Casa Tranquila to send their condolences, still believing that Lalo is dead. The dialogue is in Spanish.]'' :'''Bolsa''': He wishes to make amends. At least hear him out. :'''Gus''': Don Hector. It's no secret that I did not see eye to eye with your nephew. And while the friction between your family and myself did not start with him, today I am reminded we are all Eladio's men. No matter our disagreements, a strike against one is a strike against all. I hope you will accept my condolences and my support as you navigate this terrible loss. :'''Bolsa''': Gustavo speaks the truth. In this matter, he and I both stand shoulder to shoulder behind the Salamanca family. We are still looking for the traitor, Ignacio Varga. ''[places hand on Hector's shoulder]'' We will find him. And then your family will have justice. :''[Hector slowly reaches his hand out to Gus. As Gus holds his hand, he notices a change of expression on Hector's face and stares at him. Cut to outside the nursing home.]'' :'''Bolsa''': ''[to Gus in English]'' We'll be in touch. :''[Gus calls Mike on his cell phone after Bolsa drives away]'' :'''Mike''': What did you learn? :'''Gus''': Lalo Salamanca lives. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jimmy gets a call from Betsy Kettleman after she finds out there was no case against Howard]'' :'''Jimmy''': Saul Goodman, speedy justice for you. Oh, wait! Okay, just take a breath, and then we can... Okay, okay. I can tell you're upset. Just... I–I never advised that. No. ''[sighs]'' No, I did not, so let's agree to disagree. ''[pause]'' Okay, I think you're going to want to meet in person before you do anything rash. So how about–how about we meet up, and we can hash this out. ''[pause]'' Yeah, sure! Tomorrow, first thing. Uh, 9 A.M, I can come to your office. That work? ...Okay, okay! Good! ''[hangs up]'' :'''Kim''': I'm surprised it took them this long. You, uh... You're gonna use the stick, right? :'''Jimmy''': The stick? Well, it's a big stick. But I know these people, they're more carrot types. Especially her. ''[takes out cash and puts the bills in his suit pocket]'' Spoonful of sugar, you know? :'''Kim''': ''[beat]'' I think maybe I'll come, too. :'''Jimmy''': Tomorrow? Really? :'''Kim''': Sure. I have time. :'''Jimmy''': ''[pause]'' Okay. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tyrus''': They found the truck, but no sign of Varga. Salamancas have all eyes looking for him, including the federales. Still not picking up his cell, so nobody got a lock on it. Now as for Lalo, still missing. As far as everybody in the cartel is concerned, top to bottom, Lalo is dead. :'''Mike''': May I offer a thought? ''[pause; to Gus]'' If Salamanca was coming straight for you, he'd be here already. We've got guys watching anywhere he might turn up this side of Mexico. Wire taps on any phone he might call. There is not a whiff of him. Now, my guess is he's smart enough to know it's not in the Salamanca family interest to take you out without a reason the bosses can get behind. So, the odds are he's searching for Varga. Finds him alive, gets him to talk. ''[pause; Gus remains silent]'' Varga's alone in foreign territory, no one he can trust. The kid's smart, but he's not gonna last. ''[Gus stands up]'' He's gonna get caught. :''[Gus accidentally knocks a glass over and kneels down to pick up the shards from the floor]'' :'''Gus''': Continue. :'''Mike''': The best way to handle this: I take four of our best guys, cross the border and track Varga down. Let me find him, bring him back before the Salamancas sweep him up. It's our only play. :''[After cleaning up the broken glass, Gus throws it away and looks out a nearby window]'' :'''Gus''': ''[beat; in Spanish]'' Varga's father. Bring him here. :'''Mike''': No. You're not doing that. ''[locks the door after Tyrus gets his gun out]'' You don't understand. That's not happening. :'''Tyrus''': ''[walks up to Mike and aims gun at him]'' Just say the word. :'''Mike''': Whatever happens next... it's not gonna go down the way you think it is. :''[Mike stares at Tyrus, who cocks his gun and waits for Mike to make a move.]'' :'''Mike''': ''[beat; hears cell phone vibrating]'' It's him. :'''Tyrus''': Bullshit. I've been calling Varga for hours. He hasn't picked up once. :'''Mike''': He's been trying to get me since he left the Salamancas. ''[opens phone]'' You want me to answer it? :''[Tyrus turns to Gus, who nods. Mike answers the phone and speaks to Nacho]'' :'''Mike''': Yeah. ''[pause]'' Yeah. ...Not my call. ''[pause]'' That's up to you. ''[to Gus]'' He wants to talk to you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Betsy:''' You used us &ndash; us and our good name &ndash; to character-assassinate Howard Hamlin. Somehow, some way, it benefits you to tear him down. :'''Craig:''' Yeah. And we're&ndash;we're mad. :'''Jimmy:''' Okay, yeah. I'm hearing a lot of unfounded accusations being tossed around. I don't know anything about schemes or character assassination or whatnot, but... ''[clears throat]'' if you're feeling slighted, we can make it right. ''[Jimmy hands Betsy a bundle of cash]'' :'''Betsy:''' Money? ''[scoffs]'' Money's not gonna take care of this. :'''Jimmy:''' Money takes care of everything. Isn't that the motto stitched onto the Kettleman family crest? :'''Betsy:''' We don't want money. :'''Jimmy:''' I am non-plussed. I'm guessing you want something. :'''Betsy:''' Do what you promised. :'''Jimmy:''' Do what I what? :'''Betsy:''' Exonerate Craig. Get his good name back. :'''Jimmy:''' Alright. Well, as you've been advised, for a number of reasons that's not gonna happen. :'''Betsy:''' It ''is'' gonna happen. It is. It's... You're just gonna have to figure out a way. :'''Craig:''' If anyone can do this, it's you. :'''Betsy:''' I know you don't want us going to Howard Hamlin. Because whatever it is you're up to, I'm sure he would be ''very'' interested. :'''Jimmy:''' Okay, let's just go easy on the threats. :'''Betsy:''' We want our lives back! The way they were before. ''Before.'' We lost everything! And we don't deserve any of this. :'''Kim:''' Okay. Enough carrot. ''[clears throat]'' :''[Kim turns to the home phone next to her and begins to dial]'' :'''Craig:''' Dial 9 to get out. :'''Kim:''' Oh, thank you. :'''Betsy:''' ''[whispering; to Craig]'' We didn't give her permission to use the phone. :'''Craig:''' ''[whispering; to Betsy]'' She needs to use the phone. :'''Jimmy:''' Kim... ? :''[The line connects; Kim speaks through the phone's speaker]'' :'''Receptionist:''' Internal Revenue Service, Albuquerque. :'''Kim:''' Hi. Could you put me through to Justin Stangel in Criminal Investigations? :'''Receptionist:''' One moment, please. :'''Betsy:''' ''[to Kim]'' What are you doing? Excuse me! :'''Justin:''' This is Justin. :'''Kim:''' Justin, Kim Wexler. How are you? :'''Justin:''' Hey, Kim. Good to hear from you. :'''Kim:''' How are Noreen and the boys? :'''Justin:''' Oh, hanging in. Noreen always talks about having you by for dinner some time. :'''Kim:''' We should do that. Tell her to call me. Listen, I was wondering who your CID officer is these days. :'''Justin:''' You have something for us? :'''Kim:''' Oh, I just might: Tax preparer fraud. A lot of it. :'''Justin:''' I'm listening. :'''Kim:''' Well, it's this, uh, run-down little mom-and-pop outfit I've had my eye on for a while. ''[chuckles]'' Don't ask me why. Clearly, I need to get a life. But from what I can glean, their clients always end up with smaller refunds than they deserve. :'''Betsy:''' ''[whispering]'' Please don't do this. :'''Justin:''' Do the clients sign over third-party authorization? :'''Kim:''' Bingo. So what I'm thinking is, these creeps file legit returns with you guys, give the clients fake ones that show about half the proper amount, and then pocket the difference. :'''Justin:''' Classic scam. Well, I know just the guy to go after these dirtbags. Tony Oropallo. Real bulldog. I'll transfer you over. :'''Kim:''' Such a big help, Justin. :'''Justin:''' You got it. Talk soon. :'''Betsy:''' You don't have to do this. :'''Kim:''' ''[to Betsy]'' Don't I? Betsy... You'll probably get twenty-four months, maybe eighteen with good behavior. But Craig? You are a two-time loser. They will definitely make an example out of you. Each false return they discover will be a separate felony. What are we talking? A hundred? :'''Betsy:''' Uh... :'''Kim:''' Two-hundred? :'''Tony:''' ''[beat]'' CID, Anthony Oropallo speaking. :''[Betsy runs to the phone and slams down the receiver to end the call]'' :'''Betsy:''' Please. We'll do anything. Just tell us. :'''Kim:''' ''[beat]'' Why would I believe ''you?'' Huh? :'''Craig:''' Please. :'''Kim:''' ''[long pause]'' First. First, you contact every person you've ripped off. Tell them you made an accounting error, tell them you're crooks who had a change of heart, I don't care. Give them what they are legally owed. Everything you stole. And then after that, you're going to forget you ever heard the name Howard Hamlin. I'm keeping my eye on both of you. You think you've lost everything? ''You have no idea.'' :''[Kim leaves the room with Jimmy while the Kettlemans stand shellshocked, on the verge of tears]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jimmy:''' [[w:Inflatable (Better Call Saul)|Wolves and sheep]]. :'''Kim:''' Huh? :'''Jimmy:''' ...Nothing. === ''[[w:Rock and Hard Place|Rock and Hard Place]]'' [6.03] === :''[Nacho calls his father from an auto shop while on the run]'' :'''Manuel''': A-to-Z Fine Upholstery. Hello? :'''Nacho''': Dad. It's me. :'''Manuel''': Nacho? :'''Nacho''': ''Si'', Papa. ''Hola''. :'''Manuel''': ''[sighs]'' ''Hola, hijo.'' ''[in Spanish]'' How are you? :'''Nacho''': ''[in Spanish]'' Good, good. Um... just wanted to hear your voice. :'''Manuel''': Nacho, where are you? You sound strange. :''[pause]'' :'''Nacho''': It's not important.... I was just checking in, that's all. :'''Manuel''': Okay. ''Hijo'', I have lots of work to do. We've been through this, so many times. You know what you have to do... go to the police. :'''Nacho''': Yes, Papa. I understand... I hear you. :''[pause]'' :'''Manuel''': What else is there to say? Hmm? Goodbye, ''hijo''. :'''Nacho''': ''[choked up]'' Goodbye, Papa. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Nacho calls Mike at an auto repair shop in Mexico while on the run from the Salamancas]'' :'''Mike''': Yeah. :'''Nacho''': It's me. :'''Mike''': Yeah. :'''Nacho''': You knew. You knew that I was going to Mexico to die, that I was never supposed to make it out of that motel. And you let it happen. :'''Mike''': Not my call. :'''Nacho''': What happens now? :'''Mike''': That's up to you. :'''Nacho''': Is that bastard with you? Put him on. :'''Mike''': Hmm. ''[to Gus]'' He wants to talk to you. :'''Gus''': ''[takes cell phone from Mike; to Nacho]'' Yes. :'''Nacho''': You are screwed. ''[pause]'' You want the cartel to blame me for Lalo. But if they catch me, and make me talk? ''Ooh...'' That is not good for you, is it? Even if I disappear, everyone's gonna smell your stink all over it. The only way that this works for you is with me dead. ''[beat]'' Alright. Whatever bullshit way you want the story to go, I will make it go. But... I need one thing. :'''Gus''': Yes? :'''Nacho''': My dad. I need to know that he will be safe. :'''Gus''': If you are true to your word, there will be no reason for anyone to harm your father. :'''Nacho''': ''You'' are not the one that I need to hear it from. :''[Gus puts the phone on speaker so Mike can speak to Nacho]'' :'''Mike''': Your dad's gonna be okay. :'''Nacho''': How do you know? :'''Mike''': Because anyone who goes after him is gonna have to come through me. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jimmy and Huell sit in a car; Jimmy pays Huell for duplicating the keys to Howard's Jaguar]'' :'''Huell:''' Can I ask you sum'n? :'''Jimmy:''' Sure, go ahead. :'''Huell:''' Personal, kind of. :'''Jimmy:''' Okay. What? :'''Huell:''' You're a lawyer. You make good money, right? :'''Jimmy:''' Good days and bad, but yeah. :'''Huell:''' Legit money, on the level. :'''Jimmy:''' Yeah, so? :'''Huell:''' Your wife's a lawyer. A legit lawyer. :'''Jimmy:''' Yeah. :'''Huell:''' Why you do all this? :'''Jimmy:''' Oh, I got you. I&ndash;I know from the outside that this looks like just another scam, but you're not seeing the bigger picture. Couple months from now, there are people whose lives are gonna be way better. Because of this. We're making a real difference. Trust me. We're doing the Lord's work here. :'''Huell:''' ''Hmph''. If you say so. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jimmy''': What's going on? :'''Kim''': I have news, Jimmy. Lalo is dead. :'''Jimmy''': ''[exhales deeply]'' Holy shit. :'''Kim''': The DA's office put it together that Lalo was calling himself De Guzman. They are pretty upset they let him go. :'''Jimmy''': I'll bet they are. :'''Kim''': Ericsen seems to think that if Lalo lied to you and you didn't know about the pseudonym, that you could break confidentiality. She wants you to talk. She says it's right. :'''Jimmy''': Well, what do you think we should do? :'''Kim''': You... should do whatever you want, Jimmy. They don't have anything on you. It's just a fishing expedition to see if you bite. :'''Jimmy''': ''[pause]'' You think I should do it? :'''Kim''': It depends. :'''Jimmy''': On what? :'''Kim''': Well... ''[sighs]'' I guess it's basically... Do you want to be a friend of the cartel or... do you want to be a rat? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Nacho is driven to a remote location with Gus, Tyrus and Victor. There they meet Juan Bolsa, Hector Salamanca, and the Cousins. Bolsa kneels next to Nacho.]'' :'''Bolsa:''' Today, you are going to die. But there are good deaths, and there are bad deaths. Tell me what I need to know, I'll see that your death is a good one. Who put you up to this? :''[Nacho glances at Gus, as if he's about to turn on him]'' :'''Bolsa:''' One last chance. ''Who?'' ''[long pause; scoffs and gets up to leave]'' :'''Nacho:''' It was Alvarez. Los Odios, out of Peru. They paid me to set up your nephew. And I did. :''[Hector furiously rings his bell and attempts to point to Gus, who he knows is the real culprit]'' :'''Bolsa:''' Alvarez, we know. Los Odios, we know. Was anyone else involved? :'''Nacho:''' ''[scoffs; nods to Gus]'' Him? You think the chicken man? ''Heh.'' What a joke. Alvarez has been paying me for years &ndash; ''years''. ''[to the Salamancas]'' But you know what? I would have done it for free. Because I hate every last one of you psycho sacks of shit. I opened Lalo's gate, and I would do it again. And I'm glad what they did to him. He's a soulless pig, and I wished I'd killed him with my own hands. And you know what else, Hector? I put you in that chair. Oh, yeah. Your heart meds? I switched them for sugar pills. You were dead and buried, and I had to watch ''this'' asshole... ''[gestures to Gus]'' ...bring you back. So when you are sitting in your shitty nursing home and you're sucking down on your Jell-O night after night for the rest of your life, ''you think of '''me,''' you twisted fuck.'' === ''[[w:Hit and Run (Better Call Saul)|Hit and Run]]'' [6.04] === :'''Jimmy:''' What kind of asshole moves a cone?! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jimmy''': So, I pull the Jag into the loading zone. And I start scrappin' with this hunk of metal. It was in deep—like, "down a well" deep—so I just... wrassled it! UGH! ''[Kim laughs hysterically]'' Like a freakin' bear, and I jam it in the dirt in front of the Jag! Boom! Barely made it out of there with the skin of my teeth. ''Who moves cones?'' Who does that? :'''Kim''': Narcissists. :'''Jimmy''': Heh, you're damn right. So you think Cliff really bought it, huh? :'''Kim''': One hundred percent! You should've seen his face. It landed, trust me. God, it was... beautiful. ''[pause]'' Oh, and that is not all. :'''Jimmy''': Spill. :'''Kim''': So... I'm doing the stall. I'm telling Cliff what I'm doing—what I wanna be doing. All I'm thinking is, I gotta stretch this out until you get there, but then... I don't know. I... kinda got caught up in it, and then... Cliff went for it. I mean, like, ''really'' went for it. :'''Jimmy''': What does that mean? Like, money? :'''Kim''': I don't think he'll write a check himself, but he knows people. And I think he'll deliver. :'''Jimmy''': You're kidding! :'''Kim''': I know! How great is that? :'''Jimmy''': This is unbelievable. ''[Kim laughs]'' Are we on a roll, or are we on a roll? Jeez! :'''Kim''': ''[beat]'' You ever feel like you're being followed? ''[pause]'' When I dropped Wendy off at the motel, she thought she was being watched by some undercover cops. But then when I drove away... that same car was behind ''me.'' Right after I spotted them, they disappeared. :'''Jimmy''': Well, you know what they say: The wicked flee where no man pursueth. :'''Kim''': ...You think we're wicked? :'''Jimmy''': No. What? ''[chuckles]'' It's just a turn of phrase. I think you're wicked hot. ''[pause]'' Alright. Listen to the voice of experience, okay? You know why you're feeling like this? Because we got away with it. It seems too good to be true, but trust me. Nobody is following you. ''[takes Kim's hand]'' No one knows what we're doing except for us. Okay? :'''Kim''': ''[pause]'' Okay. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jimmy confronts Bill Oakley at the courthouse when he notices his colleagues' cold treatment of him]'' :'''Jimmy''': What the hell is going on?! How come everyone's treating me like I'm covered in oozing pus sores? :'''Bill''': I liked you better when you were just a regular bottom feeder. But this? :'''Jimmy''': This? What is, "this?" :'''Bill''': I understand advocating for your client. Deep in my heart, I get it. But you scammed the court. You scammed the judge, and for what? To get a murdering cartel psychopath back out on the street? It's just... wrong. :'''Jimmy''': That's a lot of big talk, Bill. Prove it. Prove it, Bill! :'''Bill''': There's proving, and then there's knowing. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': They're gone. :'''Kim''': I'm sorry? :'''Mike''': The two men that were following you. They're gone. :'''Kim''': Do I know you? :'''Mike''': Would you mind sitting for a moment, and I will answer any questions I can. ''[pause; Kim sits down next to Mike]'' I have men watching you and your husband. I'm not with the police, and as far as I know, they're not investigating either of you. I ''do'' know that you've been up to a few things that you probably would rather keep private. I don't care. That's not what this is about. I'm trying to solve a problem of my own. :'''Kim''': What problem? :'''Mike''': Lalo Salamanca. :'''Kim''': Lalo Salamanca's dead. ''[beat; Mike says nothing and stares at Kim]'' He... isn't. :'''Mike''': We're watching anyone he might contact. That includes you and your husband. Most likely, he'll never reach out. He's got bigger fish to fry. But in the thousand to one chance that he does... :'''Kim''': And who do you work for? :'''Mike''': I said I would answer anything I can. :'''Kim''': ''[long pause]'' [[w:Bagman (Better Call Saul)|You're the guy from the desert]]. The one who was out there with Jimmy. Why are you telling me this and not him? :'''Mike''': Because I think you're made of sterner stuff. ''[pause; gets up]'' Alright. Now here's what's best for everyone. You spot my guys again—which I'm hoping you won't—let them go about their business. Just pretend they're not there. And pretty soon, they won't be. You and your husband just... go on living your lives. ''[starts to leave]'' :'''Kim''': I do know you. You worked in the parking booth at the courthouse. ''[pause]'' You were the attendant. :'''Mike''': ...I was. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kim meets Jimmy at a strip mall where an office space is available for lease]'' :'''Kim''': What are we doing here? :'''Jimmy''': Take a look. What do you think? :'''Kim''': About what? :'''Jimmy''': My new office. Potentially. Come on. :''[They both peer through the storefront windows of the office, which is empty except for a lone toilet]'' :'''Kim''': Huh. :'''Jimmy''': Mrs. Nguyen kicked me to the curb. :'''Kim''': What? Why? :'''Jimmy''': It's a long story, but upshot is she wants me out of there with extreme prejudice. :'''Kim''': Wow. Bad day, huh? :'''Jimmy''': Well, no. It was a... great day. With actual paying clients. The word is out! People were throwing cash retainers at me just to say Saul Goodman is their lawyer. :'''Kim''': Because of who you represented. :'''Jimmy''': Well, I mean, that's part of it. But the bottom line is I need a new place for new business pronto. Now, this place is a shithole, but the price is right. And I think I can talk the landlord into a month-to-month. So, it's temporary until I find something better. ''[sighs; pause]'' Hey. What do you think? :'''Kim''': ''[beat]'' It's small. It's... dirty. And this whole place smells funny. ''[pause]'' But the courthouse is five blocks away. You can't get to MDC without driving past. Parking is good, bail bond row isn't far, and uh... Taco Cabeza is just around the corner. Might be a diamond in the rough. Just promise me... you won't move the toilet. :'''Jimmy''': ''[chuckles]'' There it is. Alright. Uh... speaking of Taco Cabeza. :'''Kim''': I'm starving. Let's do it. === ''[[w:Black and Blue (Better Call Saul)|Black and Blue]]'' [6.05] === :''[Cliff informs Howard about witnessing Jimmy throw Wendy out of Howard's car]'' :'''Howard:''' I threw a woman out of my car? In the middle of the street? And I&ndash;''zip''&ndash;I just drive right past you? I... That's what you're saying? I-I-I don't even... I don't know how to respond to that. :'''Cliff:''' I'm not asking you to respond. I just need you to know that ''I'' know. :'''Howard:''' It wasn't me, Cliff. Whoever you think you saw&ndash; :'''Cliff:''' Yeah, sorry, but that's the kind of thing my son used to say. It was your Jaguar, your "Namaste" plate. It was you! Howard, there's no harm in asking for help. You got a lot of people in your corner. :'''Howard:''' So there's the-the baggie at the county club. :'''Cliff:''' Yes. :'''Howard:''' After that, some clients&ndash;who you can't name because of privilege&ndash;make insinuations. Then on Thursday, you have a business meeting and you witness a Jaguar speeding past. ''[beat]'' Who were you meeting with? :'''Cliff:''' Not sure why that's germaine, but... Kim Wexler. She came to me for career advice. :''[Howard's face becomes awash with realization]'' :'''Howard:''' ''Mmm.'' All right. ''[pause]'' Okay. ''[takes out his cell phone]'' Of course. ''[scoffs]'' Of course. ''[to Cliff]'' Cliff, I know this wasn't easy for you. You came to me as a friend. I appreciate it. :'''Cliff:''' You can start today, Howard. :'''Howard:''' Oh, I will. Because you're right, I ''do'' have a problem. Just not the problem you think. I have a Jimmy McGill problem. :'''Cliff:''' Jimmy McGill?! :'''Howard:''' You'll have to excuse me. :'''Cliff:''' Howard! :'''Howard:''' ''[to his secretary on the phone]'' Julie. Cancel my week. Yes, my whole week. :'''Cliff:''' Howard! :''[Howard climbs into his Jaguar and drives away]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jimmy walks into a boxing club and sees Howard, who pretended to be a potential client named "Mr. Ward"]'' :'''Howard''': Hello, Jimmy. :'''Jimmy''': Mr. Ward, I presume. As in... H.O. Ward. That is really cute, Howard. So, wait. That means that you're the guy who shanked some dude in a rumble near Central Pen. ''[sighs]'' That's—that's very street of you. :'''Howard''': I thought it sounded like a Saul Goodman kind of case. :'''Jimmy''': ...Alright, so what are we doing here? :'''Howard''': I'm tired, Jimmy. You and me, us. I'm tired of this. Aren't you? It's exhausting. ''[points at boxing ring behind him]'' Let's punch it out. :'''Jimmy''': ''[chuckles]'' Are you kidding? :'''Howard''': Dead serious. Hoping you might get it out of your system. Do I think it'll work? ''[shrugs]'' I don't know. Call it a Hail Mary. I have the gear, I rented the ring. It's just you and me... ''[points at the man standing behind Jimmy]'' and Macky to ref. :'''Jimmy''': ''[pause]'' I am sorry, but have you lost your mind? :'''Howard''': Actually, I'm as clear-headed as I've ever been in my life. You didn't even try to hide your tracks. The baggie of drugs at the country club, the clients you sent to discredit me, ''another'' prostitute. :'''Jimmy''': Okay, once again as usual, I— :'''Howard''': Please. I could go on. All roads lead back to you. It's Psych 101. You want to get caught. :'''Jimmy''': So what? Is this like pistols at dawn? :'''Howard''': I'm trying to give you what you want. :'''Jimmy''': What I want? I don't... I think this is what ''you'' want. You wanna beat the shit out of me? Legally? :'''Howard''': I think you can hold up your end. You must've gotten into a few good scrapes in your old neighborhood. :'''Jimmy''': Yeah, right. I could've been a contender. :'''Howard''': Indulge me. Let's see what we see. :'''Jimmy''': ''[pause; smiles]'' Thanks for the laughs. ''[chuckles]'' "Mr. Ward." :''[Jimmy laughs and starts to walk out, but stops. He and Howard are seen suited up with boxing gloves as they begin their fight. They both land a few punches on each other, but Howard eventually knocks Jimmy down]'' :'''Howard''': ''[to Jimmy]'' You've mistaken my kindness for weakness. I like to think that tonight made a difference. I like to think that this ends it. ''[pause; shakes his head]'' Probably not. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jimmy''': I should've left Howard standing there like a yutz. Instead I let him suck me into his game. Why did I do that? :'''Kim''': You had your reasons. :'''Jimmy''': I did? Like what? :'''Kim''': Because... you know. :'''Jimmy''': I know...? :'''Kim''': ''[holds Jimmy's hand]'' You know what's coming next. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lalo has travelled to Germany using an alias, and meets Margarethe, Werner's widow, at a bar]'' :'''Margarethe''': I knew his work was dangerous. I never imagined such a thing, but... I suppose I try not to. :'''Lalo''': That is terrible. What kind of accident was it? :'''Margarethe''': A cave-in. :'''Lalo''': Cave-in? :'''Margarethe''': He was able to save his men. He got them out, but then... the structure collapsed. :'''Lalo''': So your husband was a hero. :'''Margarethe''': ''[smiles]'' He would never accept that. My Werner was too humble. :'''Lalo''': ...And what were they building there? :'''Margarethe''': My husband didn't talk much about his work. It was very secretive. :'''Lalo''': Oh... I'm sure he must have told you something. :'''Margarethe''': The lawyers came to my house. I asked questions, they wouldn't say much. :'''Lalo''': ''[shakes his head]'' Lawyers. :'''Margarethe''': They went through Werner's things. Took anything that they called, uh... Oh, how do you say it? ''[pause]'' Proprietary? I'm sorry, my English is— :'''Lalo''': Oh, it's excellent. :'''Margarethe''': I didn't care about it. All the boxes of folders, his papers. Why do I need all that stuff? :'''Lalo''': And what about your husband's men? I mean, they must have said something to you. :'''Margarethe''': Werner loved ''deine jungs''—his boys—but I never even met them. :'''Lalo''': What do you mean? Not even at the funeral? :'''Margarethe''': You'd think they would want to pay respect to the man who saved their lives. They sent flowers, keepsakes, and so on... but not one of them showed his face. :'''Lalo''': Wow. That is... ''[sighs]'' It's just not right. === ''[[w:Axe and Grind | Axe and Grind]]'' [6.06] === :''[Casper, one of Werner's former workers, spots Lalo approaching his home while chopping wood]'' :'''Lalo''': ''Guten tag!'' :'''Casper''': ''Guten tag.'' ''[in German]'' This is private property. Who are you looking for? Are you lost? :'''Lalo''': ''[in English]'' Yeah, sorry. I don't speak any German! :'''Casper''': ''[in English]'' Are you lost? :'''Lalo''': It's a beautiful place you have here. The air, it's just so... ''fresh!'' :'''Casper''': ...Do I know you? :'''Lalo''': Well, I don't think we've ''officially'' met- :''[Casper grabs his axe and runs inside a nearby wooden shed while Lalo draws his gun. Lalo searches when he's suddenly dropped by a blow from Casper]'' :'''Casper''': Who are you?! '''''Who are you?!''''' :'''Lalo''': ''[strained]'' Ed-Eduardo... Salamanca! I'm not here for you... This is about Fring. Guh- I want to know... I want to know what he's building. :'''Casper''': How did you find me? :'''Lalo''': Ma- Marga... M-Margarethe Z-Ziegler. :'''Casper''': What have you done to her?! :'''Lalo''': Nothing, nothing. You sent her a gi- a gift. ''[pulls out a business card and shows it to Casper]'' :'''Casper''': ''Was ist das?'' :''[Lalo's hidden a razor blade behind the card. He springs up and cuts Casper's face, then grabs his axe and cuts his foot off]'' :'''Lalo''': ''[cheerfully] Carajo!'' I think you broke one of my ribs! ''[tosses Casper his belt]'' Here. Tie that off... before you bleed to death. ''You and I are gonna have a '''talk.''''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jimmy''': Holy shit! The Jackson Mercer Foundation, that's like... the good housekeeping seal of approval. :'''Kim''': Well, it's not a done deal. Some of the foundation board members are flying in next week to meet the lieutenant governor at a luncheon in Santa Fe, so... they are inviting a select group of people with... Cliff called them, "up-and-coming organizations," and uh... Yeah. Cliff thinks I have a good shot. :'''Jimmy''': A good shot? You have more than a shot! They are gonna love you on sight! :'''Kim''': The only thing is the lunch is on D-Day. :'''Jimmy''': So, what? That's—You don't have to be there on the day! Was Eisenhower on Omaha Beach? No. Kim, this is great, right? It's ''huge!'' :'''Kim''': ...It is pretty great! ''[laughs]'' :'''Jimmy''': Kim, this is fantastic! ''[kisses Kim]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jimmy has Francesca call HHM and pose as a relative of a Sandpiper resident to get details about the upcoming mediation]'' :'''Jimmy''': What is the hold up? :'''Francesca''': I just... I don't know if I'm comfortable. Is this even legal? :'''Jimmy''': I'm sorry, which one of us went to law school? Because I can stand here and go through the ins and outs of what's quote-unquote legal with you, but we're on the clock. :'''Francesca''': I just don't— :'''Jimmy''': Francesca, let's get something straight, okay? We can't be holding a graduate seminar in constitutional law every time I give you something to do. :'''Francesca''': But I—I'm not sure if— :'''Jimmy''': You know what I'm paying you? It is above market. To whom much is given, much is expected! ''[takes out cell phone and starts dialing a number]'' :'''Francesca''': We're not gonna make a habit of this? :'''Jimmy''': Of course not! Absolutely not. No, no, no. ''[gives phone to Francesca]'' Put it on speaker and let me... ''[moves closer]'' :'''HHM Employee #1''': Hamlin Hamlin McGill. :'''Francesca''': Hi... there. I'm calling because my—my mother is... is—Well, I guess she's a—a client of yours. She lives in, uh, Sandpiper Assisted Living. :'''HHM Employee #1''': Sandpiper, of course. Let me transfer you. :'''Jimmy''': ''[to Francesca while she's on hold]'' It's just a phone call. :'''HHM Employee #2''': Good afternoon. Do you have a question about the Sandpiper case? :'''Francesca''': ''[waits for Jimmy to nod]'' Yes. My mother's out of the facility in Amarillo. Says she's supposed to call in to some meeting on Thursday? :'''HHM Employee #2''': Yes, you're talking about the mediation? :'''Francesca''': That's it. The thing is, she's lost her dial-in instructions. ''[sighs nervously]'' I'm just looking everywhere and can't find them. :'''HHM Employee #2''': I'd be happy to help you with that. It's very important to us that all the class members are fully looked in. What's your mother's name? :'''Francesca''': ''[Tells name mouthed by Jimmy]'' Uh, Marnie Stuber. ''[watches Jimmy form the letters as she spells aloud]'' That's–that's S-T-U-B-E-R. ''[sighs nervously again when Jimmy forces her to smile]'' Oh, bless your heart. She'll be so relieved! :'''HHM Employee #2''': Okay, it's very simple. The meeting is happening at our offices. So she just has to call the main line—the same number you called just now—press 7, and then enter the passcode. I can give that to you now. Do you have a pen? :'''Francesca''': Uh... ''[Jimmy quickly takes out a pen]'' Y–yeah, I'm ready. :'''HHM Employee #2''': Okay. It's 8-4-2-1-5-9. ''[Jimmy writes the numbers on his hand]'' :'''Francesca''': 8-4-2-1-5-9? :'''HHM Employee #2''': That's right. :'''Francesca''': Okay! Uh, thank you so much. Really appreciate it. :'''HHM Employee #2''': Of course, take care. :'''Jimmy''': ''[hangs up immediately]'' Was that so hard? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jimmy sees the real Rand Casimiro at a liquor store wearing a cast that was not shown in the fake photos he shot earlier. He bolts out of there and gets in his car before being seen by the judge.]'' :'''Jimmy''': FUCK! ''[bangs on steering wheel and chuckles nervously before dialing Kim on his cell phone]'' :''[Cut to Kim driving on the highway to Santa Fe.]'' :'''Kim''': "Ultimately, it's about equal justice, a system that works for everyone. A justice system that works for everyone, and what is more important than that?" ''[hears phone ringing and answers it]'' Hey, Jimmy. :'''Jimmy''': Flag on the play! You're not gonna believe this, but I just ran into Casimiro—the real one. :'''Kim''': Oh, God. :'''Jimmy''': Yeah, and before you ask, he didn't shave his mustache. ''He broke his arm.'' :'''Kim''': Are you serious? :'''Jimmy''': The guy has a giant cast on his left arm! And I checked all the pictures and you can see his arm in every single one of them! No cast, clear as day! :'''Kim''': Shit! SHIT! :'''Jimmy''': I KNOW! I '''KNOW!''' Uh... But, hey. Hey, hey, look at it this way: If I hadn't seen him... I mean, that would've really—that really could've sunk us. Right? So, we're gonna pull the plug and we are going to live to fight another day. :'''Kim''': ...What other day? :'''Jimmy''': Well, we'll figure it out. I promise, okay? So, just go. Just do your thing in Santa Fe, and we'll regroup when you get home tonight. ''[beat; Kim says nothing]'' Kim? Kim, you still there? :'''Kim''': Yes. :'''Jimmy''': Did you hear what I said? :'''Kim''': ''[pause]'' It happens today. :''[Kim quickly turns around and starts driving back to Albuquerque.]'' === ''[[w:Plan and Execution | Plan and Execution]]'' [6.07] === :''[An intern at HHM, Cary, drops soda cans when he sees Howard setting up the conference room for the Sandpiper mediation]'' :'''Cary''': Uh, excuse me, Mr. Hamlin! I-I was told I should restock the fridge before the meeting. :'''Howard''': No worries. Here, let me give you a hand. :'''Cary''': Thank you! :'''Howard''': Uh, you're... Gary? :'''Cary''': Cary! Anderson. :'''Howard''': Mm... of course. Cary. ''[sees Cary stocking the fridge with the dropped cans]'' Cary, what happens when you drop or shake a can of soda? :'''Cary''': ...Right. ''[mimes explosion]'' I'm sorry, I'm, uh... :'''Howard''': Here, let me show you a little trick. ''[picks up and spins a soda can]'' Something about the centrifugal force pulls the bubbles from the inside of the can, stops it from exploding. Don't want our clients to get a surprise now, do we? :'''Cary''': That works? :''[Howard opens the can without incident and takes a sip]'' :'''Cary''': Alright! :'''Howard''': You know who taught me that trick? ''[points at the picture of Chuck in the conference room]'' He used to do it. Had a habit - anytime he opened a can, almost unconsciously. I asked him about it once... just his way of being prepared for anything, accidental or otherwise. :'''Cary''': Um, I'm sorry, I'm... kinda new here. I- I have to ask, who is that? :'''Howard''': Charles McGill. The "M" in HHM. Greatest legal mind I ever knew. :'''Cary''': Wow! I hope someone says that about me someday. :'''Howard''': Well... maybe there are more important things. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Howard, Cliff, and the rest of the parties in the Sandpiper mediation are in the HHM conference room; Rand Casimiro is seated at the head of the table; Jimmy and Kim listen in on the meeting through a disposable cell phone in Saul Goodman's office]'' :'''Rand Casimiro:''' Hello. I know we're all anxious to get things started but you'll have to suffer through my traditional spiel, unfortunately. My name is Rand Casimiro, and I am your mediator for these proceedings. Now, I'm happy to be here. But at the end, hopefully all of you in the room and those listening from various locations ''won't'' be happy with me. And why do I say that? Because the best solutions mean compromise. It's compromise from both sides. That's my goal. But as my wife always says, compromising doesn't mean I'm right and she's wrong. ''[chuckles]'' So, let us move forward— :'''Howard:''' ''Hmph.'' :''[Everyone in the conference room turns to Howard]'' :'''Cliff:''' ...Howard? :'''Howard:''' I-I'm... Wow. ''[pause]'' I'm... I'm sorry. I don't think we can proceed with these negotiations today. :'''Rich:''' Why not? :'''Howard:''' Well, let's just say, circumstances beyond any of our control. :'''Rich:''' Well, I'm going to have to insist that you be more specific. :'''Howard:''' Well, our mediator here keeps using the word "compromise" when ''he'', in fact, is compromised. :'''Casimiro:''' I beg your pardon? :'''Howard:''' I think you heard me. :'''Cliff:''' Howard...? :'''Howard:''' You drive a silver Miata, correct? :'''Casimiro:''' I do. :'''Howard:''' And this morning, around 7 a.m., you walked across Trumbull Park in town? :'''Casimiro:''' No. :'''Howard:''' You didn't stop at the park this morning? :'''Casimiro:''' I didn't. I got to Albuquerque early, not at 7 a.m. And I didn't go to a park. :'''Howard:''' You sure? :'''Cliff:''' Howard, if the judge says he's sure, then I&ndash; :'''Casimiro:''' Of course I'm sure! If it matters, I arrived in town about ten, I stopped at a gas station, I went by a liquor store and bought a gift. I had a lunch salad and a very nice latté from the Flying Star on Menaul. I read ''[[w:Barron's_(newspaper)|Barron's]]''. Then came here. :'''Howard:''' ''Mmmm''. So you weren't in town to visit our mutual acquaintance, James Morgan McGill? Or maybe you know him as "Saul Goodman". :'''Casimiro:''' I don't know anyone by either of those names. :'''Howard:''' Okay. You want to go that way? ''[to his secretary]'' Julie, go to my desk, please. There's an envelope with photos. Bring it to me quickly. :'''Julie:''' Oh. Okay. ''[leaves]'' :'''Cliff:''' Howard, can we have a sidebar&ndash;? :'''Casimiro:''' I'm sorry. These photos &ndash; these are photos of me? :'''Howard:''' They show exactly what I'm describing. :'''Casimiro:''' You were following me? :'''Howard:''' I had a private investigator following Jimmy McGill. You were photographed receiving what I estimate to be a $20,000 payoff this morning in the park. :'''Rich:''' I-I'm sorry. I'm sorry. This is just&ndash; ''[sighs; to Howard]'' You recommended this judge as a mediator and we agreed. And now... ''Jimmy?'' Jimmy McGill &ndash; who originated this suit &ndash; is ''what?'' :'''Howard:''' A-admittedly, it all sounds a bit baroque. But when you see the photos, things will be clearer. :'''Casimiro:''' Well, I'm looking forward to that. :''[long pause; Julie enters the room with the envelope]'' :'''Julie:''' I have the pictures, Mr. Hamlin. :'''Howard:''' Thank you, Julie. ''[opens the envelope]'' And now, take a look. :''[Howard looks at the photos with Cliff, Schweikart, Casimiro, Irene and Julie looking behind him. Instead of an actor dressed as Casimiro as he had seen earlier, the photos show Jimmy sitting at a park bench exchanging a frisbee with the Sound Guy, dressed as a jogger]'' :'''Casimiro:''' ...Is that supposed to be ''me''? :'''Howard:''' I, uh... This is... This is not... Julie, you got the wrong envelope. :'''Julie:''' That was the only one on your desk. :'''Howard:''' Look again! :''[Julie leaves]'' :'''Howard:''' They-they've been switched. Somehow he switched them. :'''Cliff:''' Howard... :'''Howard:''' No. Jimmy &ndash; he snuck in somehow, and these are not the pictures I saw. :''[Howard turns to Erin, who notices that his pupils are now dilated]'' :'''Erin:''' Mr. Hamlin, are you all right? Your eyes... :'''Howard:''' ''[agitated]'' I am fine! This is all something that will be sorted out, I am confident! :''[Cliff rises and guides Howard out of his seat]'' :'''Cliff:''' I think a recess is in order. :'''Howard:''' Nobody move! Evidence has been tampered with! :'''Cliff:''' Now Howard, please! :''[Howard and Cliff leave the conference room. Everyone left behind is stunned silent]'' :'''Irene:''' ...Is this how these usually go? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cliff confronts Howard in his office after the fiasco in the conference room]'' :'''Howard:''' Cliff? Is that you? I'm not crazy, and I'm not on drugs. Please, come in. Now somehow, some way, that son of a bitch gave me something that dilated my pupils. I-I don't know what. But it's wearing off already, look. ''[gestures toward his eyes]'' :'''Cliff:''' You say that Jimmy McGill drugged you? How is that possible? :'''Howard:''' The-the photos. They were wet with... ''something''. :'''Cliff:''' The missing photos. :'''Howard:''' Yeah. My P.I., Genidowski, had to have been in on it. He-he must have shown me one set of photos and then switched them after I left the office. :'''Cliff:''' Howard... :'''Howard:''' Three weeks ago, Julie got a call from our detective agency. They wanted to update their contact info, so of course she changed the number in the system. But it turns out, it wasn't them. That was Jimmy. So when I needed an investigator to follow Jimmy, I called his fake number and his fake man. She just dialed the old number and, of course, got the actual agency. And, no surprise, no one by the name of Genidowski had ever worked there. I hired a con man. I got played. Every step of the way. I know what it sounds like, but you have to believe me. :'''Cliff:''' I... It doesn't matter. Rich went back to the previous offer. I'll give a recommend to the class that we take it. :'''Howard:''' No. No way. We do not let Jimmy win this. :'''Cliff:''' Why would Jimmy even do this? He's a profit participant! This means less money for him! :'''Howard:''' Because he's a child! He wants his money now! He begged me months ago to settle! You know what he does! :'''Cliff:''' Whatever the truth is, we'll never get back to where we were before mediation. We have to settle. :'''Howard:''' I'm lead attorney. And I won't sanction that decision. :'''Cliff:''' Then I'm obligated to go to the partners and explain everything I've seen &ndash; all of it. You think you're gonna be able to convince them it was all Jimmy McGill? :'''Howard:''' ...Okay then. We go to trial. Cliff, this case is incredibly strong. I put this thing in front of a jury, then everything will&ndash; :'''Cliff:''' I'm not thinking about you, Howard. I'm not thinking about Jimmy. I'm thinking about the time, the expense, the uncertainty. I'm thinking about our clients! :''[Howard bows his head in defeat.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lalo records a video message for Eladio while he's hiding in the sewers surveilling Gus' laundromat. The dialogue switches between Spanish and English.]'' :'''Lalo''': Don Eladio. Guess who? It's Lalo, I'm alive! ''[chuckles]'' I'm here in beautiful downtown Albuquerque. ''[pans the camera around his belongings]'' Been here... four nights? Now, you may be asking, "What am I doing down in this shithole?" Well, [[w:Axe and Grind|a little Croatian bird told me a secret]]. Eh, he put up a hell of a fight, but he told me. Look. ''[points the camera at his target, Lavanderia Brilliante]'' See that? Right there... Fring's secret. Now, I've been watching and Fring hides his guards very well, but they're there, dressed like laundry workers. ''[zooms in on one "worker"]'' See? That's one there. They're hiding guns under the uniforms, but I see. I have a pretty good idea of what I'm up against. ''[points the camera back at himself]'' I can tell you what's in there. A big hole where a German engineer, Werner Ziegler, designed the perfect place to hide the... ''[in English]'' "mother of all meth labs." ''[in Spanish]'' Well, that's my story. And Fring? Fring will have his story, a good one, and Bolsa will back him because he's an... ''[in English]'' "earner." ''[in Spanish]'' So tonight, I go in... kill all the guards and show you the proof. And then? You decide... ''Adios.'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jimmy and Kim are watching a movie in Kim's apartment when they hear a knock at the door. It's revealed to be Howard, disheveled and holding a bottle of Macallan scotch whisky.]'' :'''Howard:''' Can I come in? :'''Jimmy:''' Yeah. Come on. :'''Howard:''' Kim. :'''Kim:''' Howard. You doing okay? :'''Howard:''' I'm fine. Sorry to interrupt this, but I brought you a gift. :'''Jimmy:''' A gift? What's the occasion? :'''Howard:''' Your brother and I, we always had a meeting with Mr. Macallan after a big victory. Usually some brilliant summation by Chuck, that goes without saying. So this, this is for you. You earned it. You won. :'''Jimmy:''' Won? Uh, what did I win? :'''Howard:''' ''[pause]'' I get it. Of course you both have to play it this way. You're both so very good at it. :'''Kim:''' It's late, Howard. Do you want to tell us what this is about? :'''Howard:''' I was wondering that too. ''[walks to the kitchen]'' What it's all about. I mean, what do you tell yourselves? What justification makes it okay? "Howard's such an asshole that he deserves it?" ''[offers two glasses to Jimmy and Kim]'' :'''Jimmy:''' We're good. :'''Howard:''' So, what is it? I sided with Chuck too often? ''[points to Kim]'' I took away your office, put you in doc review? All of the above? Howard's daddy helped him get to the top, but you both had to struggle. "Howie has so much and we have so little, let's take him down a peg or two." What allows you to do this to me? Because this isn't just a prank. No. This goes beyond [[w:Namaste (Better Call Saul)|throwing bowling balls on my car]]. This took planning, coordination. I mean, how many weeks? Or-or-or was it months? It couldn't have been easy. So tell me, why? Why go through this elaborate plot just to burn me to the ground? :'''Jimmy:''' "Burn you to the ground?" Howard, come on. Y-you'll be fine. You always land on your feet. :'''Howard:''' Yeah, sure. The Sandpiper settlement—HHM's share will be substantial, absolutely. Even though I humiliated myself. And my clients and peers will whisper that Howard Hamlin's a drug addict. You're right. I've worked my way through worse. Debt. Depression. My marriage falling apart. :''[Jimmy blinks in surprise. He and Kim exchange looks]'' :'''Howard:''' Oh, yeah. Been sleeping in the guest house for the better part of a year. Just one more thing that good ol' Howard has to work through. But yes, I will land on my feet. I will be okay. But you? Far from it. You two... you two are soulless. Jimmy, you can't help yourself. Chuck knew it. You were ''born'' that way. ''[to Kim]'' But you—one of the smartest and most promising human beings I've ever known, and ''this'' is the life you choose. :'''Jimmy:''' Alright, you're too tight to drive, I'm calling a cab— :'''Howard:''' Oh good, phony compassion. And you know what? Very, very believable. But I'm far from done. :'''Kim:''' Oh no no no. You are done, Howard. Sorry, but you need to stop this now and you need to go home. :'''Howard:''' You're perfect for each other. You have a piece missing. I-I-I thought you did it for the money, but it-it—Now it's so clear. Screw the money, you did it for fun! You get off on it! You're like [[w:Leopold and Loeb|Leopold and Loeb]], two sociopaths— :'''Jimmy:''' Alright, that's enough. :'''Howard:''' Oh, you know it's true, you just don't have the guts to admit it. :'''Kim:''' Great. Now you need to go. :'''Howard:''' I'm gonna make it clear to everyone, because I'm going to dedicate my life to making sure that everybody knows the truth. Believe it. You can't hide who you really are forever. :''[Jimmy reflexively shields Kim as Lalo Salamanca enters the room; Jimmy is stunned]'' :'''Jimmy:''' How... :''[Howard turns around and see Lalo, who non-chalantly stands next to him]'' :'''Kim:''' H-Howard... Howard. Howard, you need to leave. :'''Howard:''' ''[to Lalo]'' Who are you? :'''Lalo:''' Me? Nobody. I just need to talk to my lawyers. :'''Howard:''' ''[scoffs]'' Oh, is that right? You want some advice? Find better lawyers. :'''Kim:''' Howard, please j-just... just... just turn around— :'''Lalo:''' No, no, no, no, no. Take your time. :'''Howard:''' ''[to Kim]'' What's this about? :''[Lalo calmly takes a pistol out of his pocket and screws a silencer onto the muzzle]'' :'''Kim:''' ''[to Lalo]'' Please... please, just tell us what you want. :'''Lalo:''' ''[shrugs]'' Like I said. To talk. :'''Howard:''' I, uh... I think I'm in the middle of something, uh... There's really no need to— :''[Lalo puts the gun to Howard's head and pulls the trigger; Howard falls onto the floor, killed instantly. Jimmy and Kim scream.]'' :'''Kim:''' ''Oh my God!'' :'''Jimmy:''' ''Please, no!'' :'''Kim:''' ''Oh my God!'' :'''Jimmy:''' ''No! No!'' :'''Lalo:''' ''[holds out his hand to quiet them down]'' ''Shhhh, shhhh, shhhh, shhhh, shhhh.'' Okay. Let's talk. === ''[[w:Point and Shoot (Better Call Saul) | Point and Shoot]]'' [6.08] === :''[Jimmy and Kim are cowering in terror when Lalo forces them to sit on their couch]'' :'''Jimmy''': I never turned on you. I didn't. I only worked for you in the desert. I was on your side the whole time. :'''Lalo''': Shhh. ''[motions for Jimmy to sit down with his gun]'' I don't care. You two... ''[chuckles; shakes his head]'' God, you two and your mouths! ''Dios mío!'' Now, ''you listen.'' ''[tosses car keys to Jimmy]'' My car's downstairs. Press the clicker, and you'll find it. This... ''[holds up small piece of paper]'' is where you are going. Don't speed, don't weave, don't cut anyone off. Just, you know, drive nice. From here, ''[checks watch]'' at this hour... I'd take 40 east, get off at Carlisle, take the third left. The rest I drew a little map for you on the back. It's not hard. So... big white brick house with a solid black door. You can't miss it. It's right at the end of the T. Park a little down the street and not up front. It's a quiet neighborhood, so you'll have plenty of options. Stating the obvious here maybe, but... turn the car off, right? So, in the glove compartment, I left you a present. There's a camera and there's a gun. And you're gonna need both. :'''Jimmy''': A gun? :'''Lalo''': Yeah, yeah, yeah. But don't worry. I mean, it's–it's easy. It's a revolver. It's already loaded, no safety—it's idiot proof. So, you go up to that house, you walk right up to that black door. Don't run. Just be casual like a stroll, you know? Keep the gun somewhere behind you where they can't see it. You ring the bell, you count to three, you step back. They look through the peephole, you're as innocent as can be. Door opens, you point... and you shoot. And you keep on pulling that trigger until it's empty. ''[pause]'' Simple. :'''Jimmy''': You–you want me to—?! :'''Lalo''': I know, I know. ''[casually nudges Howard's dead body with his foot]'' You're a lawyer, and you're not a killer. But look, you can do this, okay? This guy, he's a housecat! Black, medium height, short hair, glasses! He kinda looks like a librarian... but don't be fooled. Even a housecat can scratch. So, that's it. Hard part's over. Now, you pull out the camera. Same principle as the gun: Point and shoot. Take a picture. One where I can see the face ''clearly''... and then you bring it back here where, me and Mrs. Goodman will be waiting for you. And then you're done! I'd say it's about a twenty minute drive over there... ''[Jimmy looks nervously at Kim]'' twenty minutes back. Maybe ten minutes to do the job. Let's go with an hour altogether. So, you're back here in an hour, or— :''[Jimmy forcibly turns on the Saul Goodman charm]'' :'''Jimmy''': Send her. :'''Kim''': ...What?! :'''Jimmy''': She should do it. :'''Kim''': Jimmy... :'''Lalo''': ''[pause]'' Why her? :'''Kim''': ''[whispers to Jimmy]'' Don't do this. :'''Jimmy''': This guy, the–the housecat. :'''Kim''': Jimmy, please. :'''Jimmy''': He looks through his peephole... :'''Kim''': ''Please.'' :'''Jimmy''': ...in the middle of the night, and he sees me? "Who's this asshole? What's he doing?" Maybe–maybe he gets ''his'' gun, maybe he calls the cops. Either way, that door stays shut. But he sees a woman... :'''Kim''': No. :'''Jimmy''': ...she looks like she's in distress. Maybe her car broke down. ''[chuckles]'' I mean, you'd open the door for her, wouldn't you? :'''Kim''': Stop! Stop! :'''Lalo''': Yeah, but... she's really clever. I don't know if she's gonna stick to the plan. :'''Jimmy''': She will. :'''Kim''': No, no, no. :'''Jimmy''': No cops. You know she will. :'''Kim''': No. No, this... This doesn't even make any sense! I–I–I've never shot a gun before! I've never even held one! :'''Jimmy''': Like I have. :'''Kim''': Jimmy, what are you doing?! :'''Jimmy''': ''[to Lalo while pointing at Kim]'' You know she's the best choice. :'''Kim''': No, I'm not! I don't—I can't! I can't do it! :'''Jimmy''': ''[to Lalo]'' She can do it. You know she can do it! :'''Kim''': No! Jimmy, I'll stay! Stop! Just stop! :'''Jimmy''': You know I'm right! Listen! :'''Kim''': Stop it! Shut up! :'''Jimmy''': Listen! :'''Kim''': SHUT UP! :'''Lalo''': ''[rolls his eyes]'' Oh, my God! Okay, fine! Yeah, heard! Whatever. Give her the keys, give her the address, let's go. ''[walks toward the front door]'' :'''Kim''': ''[to Jimmy]'' No. Don't... Don't. :'''Jimmy''': You... you gotta go. :'''Kim''': ''[softly]'' Don't do this. :'''Jimmy''': Come on. Hey... ''[whispering]'' Let's go. :''[Kim reluctantly gets up and is about to leave the apartment when Lalo stops her]'' :'''Lalo''': Hold on. ''[pause; Kim looks at him]'' You're gonna need your shoes, right? :''[Kim stares at Jimmy while she puts her shoes on]'' :'''Lalo''': There you go! Okay, ''[looks at watch]'' so one hour starting... now. Clock's ticking, Mrs. Goodman. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lalo ties Jimmy to a chair while interrogating him about the assassination attempt at his hacienda]'' :'''Lalo''': You know, after I saw you last, I went home. My home. ''Mi cielito lindo''... And you know what happened? Men came. Armed men, in the middle of the night. To my home. Trying to get to me. And you know what they did? They killed people I care about. They killed my cook. My gardener. A seventeen-year-old kid I knew since he was knee-high, never hurt a fly. Butchered my housekeeper, Yolanda. ''Una viejita, cabrón.'' They shot her in the back. :'''Jimmy''': ...I'm sorry. :'''Lalo''': Now, how did these men... get into my home? Do you know? :'''Jimmy''': I... I have–I have no idea. :'''Lalo''': Ignacio Varga. ''He'' let them in. And who did Ignacio introduce me to? ''[taps Jimmy's head]'' You. :'''Jimmy''': Ignacio... Nacho? ''[brief pause]'' Whoa, whoa, whoa! I–I barely know Ignacio! Whatever he did, he did alone! Not with me! Listen, you gotta believe me! Hand to God, I had no part in this—it wasn't me! ''It was '''Igna—''''' :''[Lalo sneaks up from behind and gags Jimmy with a rolled-up shirt]'' :'''Jimmy''': ''[through the gag]'' Ignacio! It's not me! Listen, listen! I–I don't know about... :'''Lalo''': Save it. ''[looks Jimmy in the eyes]'' I'm gonna come back. And then you... are gonna tell me ''the whole story.'' :''[Lalo presses play on the movie Jimmy and Kim were watching earlier and turns up the volume. He picks up Jimmy's car keys by the front door.]'' :'''Lalo''': Ford Taurus... taupe? ''[rolls eyes and shakes his head before leaving the apartment]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mike disarms Kim and forces her inside Gus' house before she can shoot. Gus watches Mike question her through surveillance monitors at his neighbors' residence.]'' :'''Kim''': What are you doing?! I–I have to go! I have to—No, wait! :'''Mike''': Ms. Wexler, I'd like you to sit down. :'''Kim''': He'll–He'll kill him! You have to... You— :'''Mike''': Now, sit there and be calm! :'''Kim''': No, I have to get back! ''I have to get back!'' :'''Mike''': ''[restrains Kim and forces her back down]'' Sit ''still''... and stay calm. Now, if you take a deep breath—a ''deep'' breath—nothing's gonna happen here until you calm yourself. Alright? Now, who is killing who? :'''Kim''': Lalo Salamanca! Lalo is going to kill Jimmy! ''[Mike looks shocked]'' He's there! He–he is there with Jimmy now! :'''Mike''': Salamanca is at your apartment?! :'''Kim''': Yes! He sent ''me!'' He–he wanted to send Jimmy, but then he sent me. :'''Mike''': To do what exactly?! ''[pause; Kim hyperventilates]'' Ms. Wexler, you stay with me! What were you supposed to do here? :'''Kim''': ''[beat; points at a man who looks identical to Gus]'' Shoot him. I'm–I'm supposed to shoot him, and then take a photo, and then get back. That's it. I only have twenty minutes left! Please! ''[Mike quickly looks and nods at one of his guys]'' He is ''alone'' with him! :'''Mike''': Alright, stay put. We'll handle this. We ''will'' handle this. ''[to Victor]'' You call Tyrus. Get him to the condo ''now.'' :'''Kim''': You said you were watching us! WHERE WERE YOU?! HUH?! ''[Mike leaves]'' '''WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?!''' :''[Kim tries to get up, but Victor stands in her way and forces her to sit down again]'' :'''Victor''': You heard what the man said. :''[Mike walks through the corridor connecting the two homes and reports to Gus.]'' :'''Mike''': You heard all that? ''[Gus nods]'' Alright. You hunker down here. ''[to two bodyguards]'' You two, you stay with him. A dog barks too loud, you are on the phone with me. ''[to Arthur and Tyrus]'' You two, come with me. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After growing restless over Lalo's whereabouts, Gus calls Victor and asks him to speak to Kim about Lalo]'' :'''Gus''': Why did Lalo send you? :'''Kim''': Who is this? :'''Victor''': Answer him. ''[points behind him]'' :'''Kim''': ''[pause]'' He didn't want to send me. Not at first. He wanted to send my husband... but my husband talked him out of it because he wanted to get me out of there. :'''Gus''': He... talked Lalo out of it? :'''Kim''': That's right. ''[pause]'' Now that I've told you everything I know, please tell me. Tell me who— :''[Gus hangs up the phone and looks at his bodyguards]'' :'''Gus''': Come with me. Both of you. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lalo records another video message for Don Eladio while holding Gus at gunpoint at the laundromat. The dialogue is in Spanish.]'' :'''Lalo:''' Don Eladio, look who we have here. The one and only Gustavo Fring. ''[chuckles]'' And wearing body armor! Too bad they don't make armor for your head, eh? Now we're gonna take a little walk and show you around. ''Vamanos''. ''[clicks tongue]'' Don, I would've liked it if we didn't have to rush this so much. We could sit by your pool... strip this snake's skin off, inch by inch. Take our time, have some fun. But he shows up now... who am I to look a gift horse in the mouth? :''[Gus stops in front of a large washing machine.]'' :'''Lalo:''' A big machine hides a big secret. We have about... thirteen minutes until his bald ''gringo'' gets here with the cavalry, so Gustavo is going to have to give us the nickel tour. ''[beat; shoots Gus in the chest]'' Like I was saying, Gustavo is going to show us around. :''[Gus walks around and pushes a button, which opens the secret passage to the underground meth lab]'' :'''Lalo:''' ''Ha!'' Magnificent! I had a bathtub that did this, but... credit where credit is due, this is better. ''[laughs]'' ''Hijo de puta''. :''[Gus leads Lalo down a ladder and turns on the lights]'' :'''Lalo:''' ''[chuckles; in English]'' Okay. Drumroll, please. ''D-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r''... Ta-da! ''[laughs]'' ''Cadenza de wow'', no? ''[in Spanish]'' Don Eladio, I've heard some stories about this place. It took a bunch of German engineers ten months to build all of this. They used two hundred pounds of high explosive. Dug out 120,000 cubic meters of dirt and rock. And all... without disturbing the laundry up there. In the middle of a city with a million people! That's pretty badass, right? :''[Gus trips and falls to the ground when Lalo pushes his pistol against his back]'' :'''Lalo''': One moment, Don. ''[puts the camcorder between his teeth as he switches the magazines of his pistol]'' Think of the laboratory you could put here, Don Eladio. ''Eh?'' How much meth you could make... that was his plan. Cut you out to become boss. And now here we are, in this big hole! ''[cackles]'' Gustavo thought he was building an empire, but all he built himself was a tomb. :'''Gus:''' You can't kill me. :'''Lalo:''' Why not? :'''Gus:''' I haven't told that fat pig Eladio what I think of him yet. :'''Lalo:''' ''Hoo-hoo!'' Perfect! You've got one minute. :'''Gus:''' Eladio... you greasy, bloated pimp. You talk of honor. But you have none. A pack of stray dogs fighting for scraps has more honor. Jackals. That's all you are! No vision. No patience. No thought. Stupid and impulsive! That is how I did all this. You couldn't see it, couldn't even conceive of it. And you Salamancas... you're the worst vermin of all. You say you believe in "blood for blood" but you only understand blood for money! You're whores! ''[in English]'' I understand blood for blood. Hector? Yeah, I kept him alive. Kept him broken. I will save him to the last. Before he dies, he will know... '''''I''' buried every one of you.'' :'''Lalo:''' ''[sniggers]'' Big talk. You done? :'''Gus:''' No. Not yet. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jimmy:''' Lalo said he was coming back. :'''Mike:''' He's not coming. :'''Jimmy:''' No, he said he was, he told me— :'''Mike:''' You understand me? He is ''not coming back.'' Let's sit. ''[pause; Jimmy and Kim remain standing]'' '''''SIT.''''' :''[Jimmy and Kim sit at the foot of their bed; Mike stands in front of them.]'' :'''Mike:''' Alright. Here's what's gonna happen: In a few days, Howard Hamlin's car will be found several states away by the water. The odometer will have rolled to the exact number of miles it took to get there. There will be cocaine in the upholstery. That was the story you were setting up for this guy, yeah? They'll call it a suicide, hoping the body will come washing up. It never will. At some point, you're gonna hear about it. Someone calls you, someone at the courthouse mentions it—the moment that happens—you call the cops. His car was here for hours last night. Good chance somebody noticed it. That means you are the last people to see him alive. Cops are gonna want to hear from you. You tell the cops you saw him—he came here, seemed like maybe he was chemically altered, didn't make a lick of sense. Then he left, that's all you know. You keep telling the lie you've been telling. Now, Ms. Wexler tells me she has court at ten. What's on your docket? ''[Jimmy doesn't answer]'' Hey. ''Listen.'' Where do you need to be? :'''Jimmy:''' Uh, office. At my office. Clients start showing up around 9:30. ''Oh'', my car is gone. :'''Mike:''' No. It's on the way home, you'll have it when you need it. So you two are going to go about your day—normal, same as ever. Today, you're Meryl Streep and Laurence Olivier. No staring into space, nothing out of the ordinary, you ''cover.'' Anybody talks to you, it's just another day that ends in Y, that's all. When you get home, we'll be gone and everything will be back the way it was. Now, I need to impress upon you: none of this ever happened. None of it. Understand? Say it out loud, I need to hear it. :'''Jimmy:''' ...I understand. :'''Kim:''' ...It never happened. === ''[[w:Fun and Games (Better Call Saul) | Fun and Games]]'' [6.09] === :'''Jimmy''': One day, we'll... We'll wake up, and brush our teeth, and we'll go to work. And at some point, we'll suddenly realize... [[w:Bad Choice Road | that we hadn't thought about it at all. None of it]]. ''[pause]'' And that's when we'll know. We'll know we can forget. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Gus meets with Don Eladio, Juan Bolsa, and the Salamancas late at night. The dialogue is in Spanish.]'' :'''Eladio''': Don Hector has made a very serious accusation. :''[One of the Cousins hands a letter to Don Juan]'' :'''Bolsa''': These are Don Hector's words. Dictated to Leonel and Marco, letter by letter. "The assault on my nephew's hacienda failed. Lalo fought the assassins and won. The day after the attack, Lalo called me. I heard the truth from his own lips. It was Fring who sent the mercenaries, not the Peruvians. We kept Lalo's survival a secret. My nephew was about to take his revenge on the traitor, face-to-face. Instead, he disappeared. It is the Chicken Man's doing. Don Eladio, look into Fring's eyes. There you will see the truth. The Chicken Man hates you. He is our enemy. He plots against us. I demand blood for blood." :''[Bolsa folds the letter and sits back down]'' :'''Eladio''': Well, Gustavo? :'''Gus''': ''[pause]'' I have no response. :'''Bolsa''': Gustavo, you must speak. Have you no defense? :'''Gus''': With all due respect, I don't believe this merits a response. :'''Eladio''': Did you witness these phone calls from Lalo? ''[Leonel and Marco shake their heads]'' I was told you saw Lalo's body. :'''Leonel''': Yes. :'''Marco''': It was burned. :'''Eladio''': Didn't the ''federales'' check the teeth? :'''Bolsa''': Yes, Don Eladio. My brother tells me the dental records matched. :'''Eladio''': And that rat, Varga... What did he say before he died? :'''Bolsa''': He said he was in the pay of the Peruvians, Los Odios. We know he took their money, we found bank statements. :'''Eladio''': ''[beat; looks at his watch]'' Well... It's late. Don Hector... Since you've come a long way, tonight you sleep in my bed. ''[Hector angrily rings his bell repeatedly in protest]'' No, I insist. No arguing. I'm giving you my room. Very comfortable. And who knows? Maybe a couple of the girls will come to visit! ''[pause; Hector continues ringing his bell]'' Please. ''[Leonel and Marco carry Hector by his wheelchair and leave]'' Good night, Hector. Sleep well. ''[to Gus]'' I'd invite you to stay as well, Gustavo, but... I don't want my breakfast ruined by all the... ''[mocks Hector ringing his bell and laughs]'' Ay-yay-yay. ''[beat]'' The peace must be kept. What do you suggest? :'''Gus''': I wouldn't presume. :'''Eladio''': The South Valley will stay Salamanca territory. And the rest of the North, that'll be for you to manage. Working under Bolsa. :'''Bolsa''': Thank you, Don Eladio. :'''Gus''': ''[rises with Eladio out of his chair]'' Thank you. Your trust means everything, Don Eladio. :'''Eladio''': ''Bueno.'' Gustavo... ''[long pause]'' When I looked into your eyes... Hate. A little bit's okay. As long as you never forget who's boss. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mike meets with Nacho's father outside his shop to let him know about Nacho's fate]'' :'''Manuel''': Who are you? :'''Mike''': It's not important. :'''Manuel''': I saw you here before. [[w:Cobbler (Better Call Saul)|Chrysler Fifth Avenue]]. What about my son? :'''Mike''': I'm sorry, he won't be found. ''[pause]'' It was over fast. No pain. :'''Manuel''': You were there? :'''Mike''': I was there. Your son made some mistakes, he fell in with bad people... but he was never like them. Not really. He had a good heart. One more thing: you won't have to worry about the Salamancas. Their day is coming. There'll be justice. :'''Manuel''': Justice? :'''Mike''': I'm sorry, my Spanish - j-''justicia.'' Justice. :'''Manuel''': ''[sighs]'' What you talk about... is not justice. What you talk of is... ''revenge.'' It never ends... my boy is gone. ''[scoffs, speaks in Spanish]'' You gangsters and your "justice." You're all the same. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jimmy and Kim approach Cliff and Howard's widow, Cheryl, at a memorial reception in the offices of HHM.]'' :'''Kim:''' Cliff. :'''Cliff:''' Kim, Jimmy. :'''Cheryl:''' Kim, hi. :''[Jimmy extends his hand to Cheryl; she doesn't take it]'' :'''Jimmy:''' Hi, Cheryl. I'm Jimmy McGill. You may not remember me. I'm Chuck McGill's brother. :'''Cheryl:''' Of course. :'''Jimmy:''' Very sorry for your loss. ''[sighs]'' :'''Kim:''' Cheryl, I'm so sorry. I can't even imagine what you must be going through. If Jimmy and I can do anything for you or your family, please just say the word. :''[Jimmy and Kim are about to walk away]'' :'''Cheryl:''' There is something, actually. You two were the last ones to see him, weren't you? :'''Kim:''' Um... :'''Jimmy:''' I guess so. Uh, that's what the police said. :'''Cheryl:''' Howard told me that you were harassing him, playing elaborate pranks of some sort. That you wouldn't leave him alone. :'''Jimmy:''' I know he thought that. He—he—he told me as well. Um, I think he honestly believed it. :'''Cheryl:''' But you're denying it. :'''Jimmy:''' ''[pauses]'' You know what, I didn't leave here under the best terms. The past few years, I could have been more considerate to Howard instead of yitzing him every chance I got. I guess, uh, there was a certain amount of jealousy on my part because Howard had the, uh, respect of my brother. Which I never did. ''[Jimmy steps away]'' :'''Cheryl:''' Tell me what you told the police. :'''Jimmy:''' ''[pauses]'' Okay, um... Well, I mean, it was 11pm. Howard started pounding on our door. He was very upset, going on about something, um, he thought was my fault, uh... Guess it had to do with the Sandpiper case. But I—I couldn't make head or tail out of it. We tried to calm him down. But... he just—he just wouldn't, um... Finally, he left. That's—that's it. :'''Cheryl:''' I'm not oblivious. I know people are saying he was on drugs. Is that what you're trying to tell me? :'''Jimmy:''' I just... He just didn't seem like himself. :'''Cheryl:''' ''[to Cliff]'' Are you hearing all of this? Because none of it makes sense to me. :'''Cliff:''' Cheryl, maybe we should just— :'''Cheryl:''' I don't care what people are saying. I don't care what the police think. Howard was not on drugs. That simply is not true. There's something more to this. :'''Kim:''' I don't know if it's my place, but... I—I... :'''Cheryl:''' Please. Just spit it out. ''[sharply inhales]'' :'''Kim:''' ''[sighs]'' It was about a year-and-a-half ago. I was still an associate here, working late on a brief. And I saw a light on in Howard's office. I assumed the cleaning crew left it on by mistake. And I was sure that office was empty, so I didn't knock. :'''Cheryl:''' ...And? :'''Kim:''' And Howard was there at his desk, head down. And he was snorting something. :'''Cheryl:''' ''[scoffs]'' :'''Kim:''' I looked at him. He looked at me. I didn't know what to do, so I just walked out. And the next morning, when we saw each other, neither of us ever said anything about it. I never told anyone. But now I wish I had. :''[Long pause]'' :'''Cheryl:''' ''[to Cliff]'' In all the years that you worked with him, have you witnessed anything like this? Even a hint? Cliff... :'''Cliff:''' I... Cheryl, this really isn't the time or the place. :''[Cheryl begins to cry]'' :'''Kim:''' Cheryl. You were his wife. You saw him every day. You knew him better than anyone. Maybe I misunderstood what I saw. You would have known. :'''Cheryl:''' ''[voice breaking]'' Please excuse me. :''[Cheryl retreats into a women's restroom]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kim and her client are sitting in a courtroom as the presiding judge, Gabriel Dearden, takes the bench]'' :'''Bailiff:''' All rise. Court is now in session, the Honorable Judge Dearden presiding. :'''Judge Dearden:''' Good afternoon. We are here to discuss a motion to exclude evidence in ''State of New Mexico vs. Yarborough''. :'''Kim:''' ''[rises]'' Your honor, if I may. I submitted an additional motion. I'm assuming you have not seen it yet. :'''Judge Dearden:''' Did we get that? :'''Secretary:''' It just came in, judge. :''[The secretary approaches the bench and hands the motion to Judge Dearden]'' :'''Kim:''' I apologize, it was a last-minute addition. :'''Judge Dearden:''' "Last minute" is right. ''[looking through the motion]'' :''[Pause]'' :'''Judge Dearden:''' ...Do I understand this correctly? You're requesting to withdraw from this case? :'''Kim:''' Yes, your honor. My client is fully informed. And I've already been in touch with another attorney, Paige Novick. She's highly qualified and familiar with the case. She's prepared to step if you'll allow it. :'''Judge Dearden:''' Ms. Wexler, Mr. Orenstein, approach the bench. :''[Kim and the prosecutor do so]'' :'''Judge Dearden:''' ''[to Kim]'' Ms. Wexler, we are here today at your insistence to consider your motion to exclude evidence. And this is the moment you choose to withdraw? :'''Kim:''' It was unavoidable. :'''Judge Dearden:''' May I ask why? :'''Kim:''' Personal reasons, your honor. :'''Judge Dearden:''' "Personal reasons." Are we talking about a health issue, something to do with a loved one? :'''Kim:''' No. :'''Judge Dearden:''' Would you rather discuss privately in chambers? :'''Kim:''' Thank you for the consideration, but no. :'''Judge Dearden:''' Would you care to supply any detail at all? :'''Kim:''' Your honor, I prefer not to. :'''Judge Dearden:''' ''[pause; to Orenstein]'' ...Mr. Orenstein, is the state prepared to discuss Ms. Wexler's motion? :'''Orenstein:''' We are, your honor. Absolutely. :'''Judge Dearden:''' You know what, Ms. Wexler? Mr. Orenstein's here. I'm here. We all showed up for your party, and now you're taking away the punch bowl. I'm inclined to have you argue your motion, then I'll consider later writing petitions. :'''Kim:''' I'm sorry for wasting the court's time, your honor, but it's impossible for me to continue with this hearing. :'''Judge Dearden:''' And why is that, Ms. Wexler? :'''Kim:''' Because I'm no longer an attorney. :'''Judge Dearden:''' ''[brief pause]'' ...I'm sorry, what? :'''Kim:''' I gave notice to the bar two hours ago. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jimmy arrives home after hearing the news that Kim has quit her legal career]'' :'''Jimmy:''' ''You did what?!'' Why?! ''WHY?!'' Alright, alright, I know why. But Kim, you can't just— :'''Kim:''' Jimmy, I— :'''Jimmy:''' ''Shhh!'' Just let me say my piece, okay? Just—Let's take a breath here! Kim, after everything that happened... I mean, Jesus! I get it! You want to climb out of your own skin! That's natural! But Kim, you don't just throw everything away! Th-th-this is your life! You're a lawyer! What about your clients, huh? What about, uh... that poor guy, Mr. Yarborough? What about the kid in foster care? Huh?! You give them everything you got! Who are they going to find who is half as good as you?! No one! They need you! :'''Kim:''' It's already done. :'''Jimmy:''' ''Ugh!'' ''[pause]'' Okay, what's done can be undone. All I'm saying is just—just let's take a week or two to think it over. For now, we're gonna take some time off. God knows we need it. We're gonna to find a new place, we're—we're gonna leave here. We're never, ever gonna come back here again. Okay? We're gonna—we're gonna put it behind us! Things will look brighter! I guarantee it! But first we have to fix this. So we're gonna go back to the hotel room, and you're gonna write letters. You're gonna write a letter to the bar, you're gonna write letters to your clients. You—you—you dictate, I will type. We're gonna roll this thing back. I'll order a pizza, we'll pull an all-nighter. Because we're in this together. Okay? So I'm gonna go get your—your printer, and then we're gonna get the hell out of here. :''[Jimmy turns to head into the bedroom]'' :'''Kim:''' Wait— Jimmy. Jimmy! :''[Jimmy enters the bedroom to discover half-full boxes and luggage everywhere]'' :'''Kim:''' You asked if you were bad for me. That's not it. We are bad for each other. :'''Jimmy:''' Kim. Don't do this. Kim, please. :'''Kim:''' Jimmy... ''[holding back tears]'' ...I have had the time of my life with you. But we are bad for everyone around us. Other people suffer because of us. Apart we're okay, but together we're poison. :'''Jimmy:''' ''[shakes his head]'' No, no. Just tell me what I need to do to change, okay? Just tell me what it is, and I'll do it. :'''Kim:''' Jimmy... :'''Jimmy:''' No, Kim. You make me happy. We make each other happy. How can that be bad? Hey... I love you. :'''Kim:''' I love you, too. ''[voice breaking]'' But so what? :'''Jimmy:''' No. No. No, Kim, you're wrong! ''This is about '''Howard!''''' Okay?! What happened to him wasn't on us! It wasn't your fault! It wasn't ''my'' fault! It was that ''fucking Lalo Salamanca!'' That psychopath came back from the dead and he walked through that door! He did this! Not us, ''him!'' :'''Kim:''' I knew. :'''Jimmy:''' You knew wh-what? :'''Kim:''' I knew he was alive. :'''Jimmy:''' No, you didn't. :'''Kim:''' It was about a month ago. I saw that car following me again. And it turned out that Mike Ehrmantraut had guys watching both of us, watching for Lalo. :'''Jimmy:''' Mike... Mike told you that Lalo was alive? ''[Kim nods]'' And you didn't tell me? :'''Kim:''' ''[pause]'' Jimmy... I thought... I thought it was a one-in-a-million chance that he'd come for us. I thought he would be caught if he did. And I told myself I was protecting you. But that's not the truth. The reason I didn't tell you was because I knew what you'd do. :'''Jimmy:''' Wh-what would I do? :'''Kim:''' You'd—you'd blame yourself. You'd fear for me. You'd want us to run and hide until you were sure I was safe. You would pull the plug on the scam, and then... ''[pause]'' ...and then, we'd break up. And I didn't want that. Because I was having too much ''fun''. :''[Kim breaks down crying and returns to the bedroom to pack; Jimmy stands in the living room in silence]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Saul Goodman:''' Alright. [[w:Chicanery (Better Call Saul) | Let justice be done, though the heavens fall]]. === ''[[w:Nippy (Better Call Saul) | Nippy]]'' [6.10] === :''[Saul, now going by Gene Takavic, is confronted by Jeff after he unexpectedly shows up at his home]'' :'''Jeff''': Dude, what the fuck?! :'''Saul''': I know, it's awkward, right? But you don't have to call me Dad. Yet. :'''Jeff''': I don't know what this is about, but all I have to do is pick up the phone and it's "Bye-bye, Saul Goodman." :'''Saul''': Yeah, but you haven't picked up the phone yet, have ya? Or tried to strong-arm me for cash. And guess what? I know why. Because reward money—blackmail—that's not gonna tickle your pickle. I know what you really want. :'''Jeff''': Oh, yeah? What's that? :'''Saul''': You want in the game. :'''Jeff''': The game? What—what game? :'''Saul''': The ''game.'' The one you've been watching your entire life. You got your nose pressed up against the glass, peering in while the big boys play. :'''Jeff''': Speak English, man. What the hell are you talking about? :'''Saul''': ''The game.'' It's right there. You can see it, but you can't touch it yet. ''[pause]'' Cars, clothes. The cash, the ladies. It's about knowing all the angles, you know? Putting it all on the line and winning ''big.'' But here you are, Jeffy. Standing outside with the suckers, trying to pay off that cab, sweating the bills. You're getting older. It's—it's so close, but dammit you just can't get in! Until now. I can make it happen. :'''Jeff''': ''[beat]'' You? :'''Saul''': Saul Goodman. ''[pause]'' So, here's the deal. I will show you the game, and then we're done. :''[Jeff stares at Saul for another moment before smiling]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jeff runs around a maze in the outline of a mall. Saul, on a loudspeaker, shouts directions to him.]'' :'''Saul''': Go, go, go, go, go, go, go! One, Armani suits and run! Two, Air Jordan shoes for you! Three, linen shirts for free! Four, cashmere sweaters out the door! Five, Patagonias to survive! Six, swanky sweatsuits in the mix! HALT! :''[Jeff stops, breathing heavily.]'' :'''Jeff''': What?! :'''Saul''': That's too many, you gotta be precise! Just three of each. :'''Jeff''': Why? And why do I gotta run around like an asshole? :'''Saul''': I already told you! Three minutes, got it? That's our window! :'''Jeff''': Yeah, but why three minutes? :'''Saul''': Because at three minutes, that's when security sees you on the cameras and the cops haul your ass to jail, alright? So let's go. :':'''Jeff''': Wait, there's cameras? :'''Saul''': Sure there's cameras! They erase the tapes every seventy-two hours, so that's why you only take three of each, and only the pricey stuff. When the store opens the next morning, they won't even know they were robbed. By the time they do inventory, abra cadabra, no more Jeffy on the tape! Right, so, three items, three minutes... It's easy. Let's go. :''[Jeff walks back to the start of the maze.]'' :'''Saul''': How many of each? :'''Jeff''': Three... :'''Saul''': Pigs get fat, hogs get slaughtered! :'''Jeff''': I don't know... :'''Saul''': What don't you know? :'''Jeff''': Just, this whole thing, it seems crazy! :'''Saul''': Is this too hot for you?! Ju— You know what, just say so! You know what? Screw it. "Crazy?" I'll tell you what's crazy! [[w:Walter White (Breaking Bad) | Fifty-year-old high school chemistry teacher]] [[w:Breaking Bad | comes into my office. The guy is so broke, he can't pay his own mortgage. One year later, he's got a pile of cash as big as a Volkswagen.]] ''That's'' crazy. :'''Buddy''': I'll do it. :'''Jeff''': This sounds good to you? :'''Buddy''': I think it'll work. :'''Saul''': Well, look at you! Hey, you're young. You're probably, uh... Fast in the feet, huh? :'''Jeff''': Okay, I- I didn't say I wouldn't do it! I just... Had some questions about, like... Logistics. :'''Saul''': Are you in or out? :'''Jeff''': In. :'''Saul''': ''[sighs]'' Okay, back to one. ''[He speaks into the loudspeaker as Jeff sets himself up.]'' Check, test, one-two, one-two. Okay! And ready, set, action! :''[Jeff begins running.]'' :'''Saul''': Move, move, move! Pick up the pace! Go, go, go! One, Armani suits and run! Two, Air Jordan shoes for you! Three, linen shirts for free! Four, cashmere sweaters out the door! Five, Patagonias to survive! Six, swanky sweatsuits in the mix! Let's go, let's go, let's go! <hr width="50%"/> :''[On the night of the robbery, Saul watches Jeff through the mall cameras while one of the security guards, Frank, is eating a Cinnabon roll with his back facing the cameras.]'' :'''Saul''': How about that 44-21 win against the Cavs? :'''Frank''': Be still my heart. ''[laughs]'' :'''Saul''': Seventy-six yard pass to Reggie Ball, and–and never sacked once. :'''Frank''': Wow, you have got quite the memory. :'''Saul''': ...Yeah, well—I'll tell you what. I can remember every stitch of clothing I was wearing during that game, but ask me what I had for dinner and... ''[whistles]'' Clean slate. :'''Frank''': Tell me about it! ''[Saul checks his stopwatch, which is at two minutes and fifteen seconds]'' Well, I'll tell ya: If you're not passing the ball, that's what's gonna happen. ''[eats another bite]'' Mmm! :''[Eventually, Jeff runs with the last round of clothes when he slips and falls. Saul chokes on his coffee.]'' :'''Frank''': You okay? :'''Saul''': ''[coughs]'' Wrong pipe. :'''Frank''': Oh, okay. So, you think our guys are gonna move to the Big Ten like they're sayin'? :'''Saul''': ''[pause]'' Big Ten? :'''Frank''': Yeah, you know, maybe they're just chasing the almighty dollar if you ask me. I mean, both powerhouses of course. But, you know what? You got Oklahoma and Texas over here. But Michigan, Ohio State over there! ''[Saul looks nervously at the cameras]'' I... I don't know. Guess I like tradition. ''[chuckles; sighs as he takes yet another bite]'' So good. Just amazing. Wow. :''[After Saul realizes Jeff is out cold, he fakes a nervous breakdown to distract Frank]'' :'''Saul''': God, what am I doing? :'''Frank''': What? :'''Saul''': ''[cries out again as Frank turns his head towards the cameras]'' Look at me! Wha—I don't know what... ''[sobs]'' Oh, Jesus! :'''Frank''': Gene? :'''Saul''': Oh, God. You... you have a wife, right, Frank? :'''Frank''': Yeah. :'''Saul''': Yeah? :'''Frank''': Yeah. :'''Saul''': She's waiting for you? ''[Frank nods]'' Look at me. I got... I got no one. My parents are dead. [[w:Chuck McGill | My brother]]... ''[beat; looks down]'' My brother is dead. I, uh... I don't have a wife. No kids, no friends. If I die tonight, no one would care. What difference would it make? :''[Saul looks up again and notices Jeff slowly getting himself up]'' :'''Frank''': Gene, buddy... I—I'm sure you mean a lot to... to a lot of—lots of people. ''[turns his head around again]'' :'''Saul''': ''[slams fist on table]'' If I die tonight, my landlord would pack up my stuff. It'd take him three hours. And Cinnabon would just hire a new manager. Gene who?! Poof, I'd be gone! I'd be... a–a ghost. No, not a ghost. I'd be a... a shadow. I'd just mean ''nothing.'' I mean, Frank... What's the ''point'', Frank? What's the... :''[Saul sees Jeff put away the clothes in the box. He groans as he watches Jeff run out of the warehouse, then claps when he's out of sight]'' :'''Saul''': ''[sighs]'' I'm sorry. You didn't need to hear that. :'''Frank''': No, no, no. That's–that's okay. No, that is okay. Everybody has bad days. :'''Saul''': You've felt like this? :'''Frank''': ...No. I mean, not me, but... people. I think a lot of people. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Saul''': You guys enjoying yourselves? Well, hold on to that feeling, 'cause this is it. :'''Jeff''': Yeah, we know. :'''Saul''': Well, in case you forget, you transported stolen goods with a value exceeding $5,000. And the truck you used to do it was rented in Council Bluffs across state lines. :'''Jeff''': You told us to rent the truck over there, so— :'''Saul''': ''[motions for Jeff to stop talking]'' Theft from an interstate shipment, up to ten years. Transportation of stolen goods, another ten years. Sale of stolen goods, ten years. Conspiracy to commit a federal crime— :'''Buddy''': Whoa, hold on. Conspiracy? It was your idea. :'''Saul''': Yeah. It's called mutually assured destruction, so... if I go down, you go down. :'''Jeff''': Man, you don't have to threaten us. We're all friends here. :'''Saul''': I am not your friend. And if you get greedy, and you decide to come back for more, ''don't.'' Gene Takavic, you've never heard of him. Cottonwood Mall, you don't go there. You see me comin', you cross to the other side of the street. :'''Jeff''': Dude. :'''Saul''': Now, I need you to say it. We're done. :'''Jeff''': ''[pause; laughs]'' Come on! :'''Saul''': Say it. ''We're done. '''Say it.''''' :'''Jeff''': ''[beat; looks at his friend briefly]'' We're done. :'''Buddy''': ''[pause]'' We're–we're done. === ''[[w:Breaking Bad (Better Call Saul) | Breaking Bad]]'' [6.11] === :''[Saul, with his limbs duct-taped and a bag over his head, lies on the floor of an RV.]'' :'''Saul''': Guys, c'mon. Talk to me! ''Habla, por favor! Yo soy abogado! Abogado, abogado!'' Aw-- Crap! You already knew that! Jesus, fellas, there's a better way to do this! Hello? Oh-- Why- Wha-- Why are we going off-road? Oh! Whoa! Whatever this is, can we please don't do it in the desert? ''Anywhere but the desert!'' Oh-- Oh, God, I'm gonna be sick... :''[The RV stops and two masked men walk up, cutting the tape at Saul's legs and forcing him upright.]'' :'''Saul:''' Alright, fellas... This-- we can-- We can fix this! Whatever the ''problemo'', we can fix it with ''dinero. Mucho dinero! Mucho, mucho, mucho dinero!'' C'mon, please, one of you just, just-- You talk, ''habla!'' C'mon, b-before mistakes are made! C'mon, talk to me, guys, huh? :''[The RV door closes to reveal [[w:Pilot_(Breaking_Bad)| five bullet holes covered with duct tape.]]]'' :'''Saul:''' C'mon, just tell me what you want! Jeez... :''[The bag is taken off Saul's head to reveal an open grave in the middle of the desert]'' :'''Saul:''' Oh! Oh, no, no, no, no, no! No! [[w:Better Call Saul (Breaking Bad)| It wasn't me! It was Ignacio, he's the one!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Francesca answers a payphone at an abandoned convenience store outside of Albuquerque. On the other end of the line is Saul, calling from a phone booth outside a diner in rural Nebraska under his Gene Takavic alias.]'' :'''Francesca''': Yeah. :'''Saul''': Oh, good. You're there. Great. Great. Unencumbered by curious eyes and ears, I'm guessing? :'''Francesca''': Wouldn't have picked up otherwise. :'''Saul''': Right. Excellent. Um, okay. Well then... Lay it on me. :'''Francesca''': First things first. :'''Saul''': No, I believe we agreed after. :'''Francesca''': I'm hanging up. :'''Saul''': Okay, okay then! Jeez! I... Okay, if you're facing the phone, turn right ninety degrees and, uh, walk straight. You'll see some pieces of broken concrete in the dirt. Just pull back the one that's kinda shaped like New Jersey. :'''Francesca''': New Jersey? :'''Saul''': Alfred Hitchcock in a fez, whatever. Just pull that one back, and you'll see a, um, soda can tap. It's got a fishing line tied to it. Follow that line, it'll take you to an old water line, and just keep pulling the string and you'll get what I promised. :''[Francesca leaves the phone off the hook and follows Saul's instructions. She soon retrieves a pouch containing three bundles of cash, amounting to several thousand dollars. She returns to the payhone.]'' :'''Francesca''': Okay. :'''Saul''': Great. Was it all there? I mean, the rats didn't eat it or anything? :'''Francesca''': It's all here. :'''Saul''': ''[exhales]'' Okay. Well, uh, tell me... how hot. :'''Francesca''': How hot? :'''Saul''': Yeah. :'''Francesca''': Well, I still get followed. Not as often as [[w:Ozymandias (Breaking Bad) | when the shit first hit the fan]], but I still see them. My mail gets opened. My phone at home clicks whenever I use it. :'''Saul''': So the maestro buying the farm didn't change anything? :'''Francesca''': No. If anything, it made it worse. [[w:Skyler White | Skyler White]] got her deal, so the only ones left to go after are you and Pinkman. And I heard [[w:El Camino: A Breaking Bad Movie | they found his car down by the border]], so adios dopehead. :'''Saul''': Oh, so they're still on to me. Well... Hey, what do you know about the nail salons? :'''Francesca''': Nail salons are gone. :'''Saul''': What? Gone? All of them? :'''Francesca''': Yup. :'''Saul''': What about the vending machines? :'''Francesca''': Gone. :'''Saul''': Jesus! Don't tell me, the laser tag... :'''Francesca''': Feds found it all, Saul. :'''Saul''': How?! It was shells within shells! Dammit! Dammit!! Okay... okay... Hey— oh. Let's say there was an overseas account, Antigua and Barbuda— :'''Francesca''': Tiger Fish Corporation? :'''Saul''': What? :'''Francesca''': Tiger Fish Corporation? 850K? I gave it to the feds. :'''Saul''': You did what? Why would you do that?! :''[An automated message tells Saul that his phone time has expired. He hurriedly puts more quarters into the payphone.]'' :'''Saul''': ''God dammit!'' :'''Francesca''': You—you put my name on the board of a fictional corporation. I had to give it up, I didn't really have a choice. And a heads-up would have been nice, by the way! :'''Saul''': So it's gone? It's all gone. Those sons of bitches took everything. :'''Francesca''': Except what you took with you, and I'm guessing that wasn't chump change. :'''Saul''': Yeah, well... :'''Francesca''': Well... Guess that's it. :'''Saul''': Wait, wait, wait! C'mon, I just put more quarters in! Can't you just... I don't know... give me the lowdown? :'''Francesca''': There's nothing else. :'''Saul''': Well, that's not true. After all this time? You know, come on. Just fill me in. Um... How's Kuby? :'''Francesca''': No idea. :'''Saul''': Alright, how about Huell? :'''Francesca''': Huell? I guess back home in New Orleans. DEA held him under false pretenses or something, so last I heard he walked. :'''Saul''': Good. Um, how about Danny? Or—or Ira? I mean, any word on those two guys? :'''Francesca''': They have Internet where you are? :'''Saul''': Well, just... C'mon, give me something. There's gotta be some news. :'''Francesca''': Remember Bill Oakley? He switched sides. :'''Saul''': He came out, huh? :'''Francesca''': No, he's not gay. He's a defense attorney now. :'''Saul''': Huh. Well, I mean... What about you? How are you doing? :'''Francesca''': ''[sarcastically]'' I'm just great. [[w:Rainier III, Prince of Monaco|Prince Rainier]] proposed. The private jet is taking us to the palace on Thursday. :'''Saul''': Yeah. Okay, well... I guess that's it, then. :''[Francesca mulls over what to tell Saul next.]'' :'''Francesca''': I did get one call, after everything went down. ''[pause]'' Kim. Checking in on me. :'''Saul''': No kidding? :'''Francesca''': ''Mm-hmm''. Your name came up. Asked if you were alive. :'''Saul''': She asked about me... ''[pause]'' What did you tell her? :'''Francesca''': Nothing. :'''Saul''': But she asked. :'''Francesca''': Yup. :'''Saul''': ''[long pause]'' ...Yeah, okay. Well, I guess this is goodbye— :''[Francesca hangs up without saying anything.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Saul goes inside the RV driven by the two masked men [[w:Better Call Saul (Breaking Bad)| who kidnapped him and brought him to the desert]]]'' :'''Saul''': What the hell is this? It's like [[w:James Whale|James Whale]]'s travelling roadshow in here. :''[Jesse Pinkman, a ski mask pulled up over his face, steps in behind him.]'' :'''[[w:Jesse Pinkman |Jesse]]''': Whatever the hell that is, Crystal Ship definitely travels. :''[Walt enters and shuts the door behind him, incredulous. Meanwhile, Saul explores the RV.]'' :'''[[w:Walter White (Breaking Bad) | Walter]]''': I'm sorry, you said the ''what'' travels? :'''Jesse''': Crystal Ship. What I call this thing. :'''Walter''': Alright, never mind, just... No details. We're paying him to do a job, let's just leave it at that. :'''Saul''': "No details?" Fellas, that–that money you put in my pocket, that doesn't just extend to this job. That can get you attorney-client privilege on—on all matters! :'''Walter''': ''No details.'' :'''Saul''': Look at this setup. I mean–What, you two driving around like Mr. Softee, scooping out drugs for all the good boys and girls? :'''Jesse''': No, we don't deal from here. :'''Walter''': I said no details! :'''Jesse''': Dude is standing in front of a meth lab, it's not like he ain't gonna put two and two together! :'''Walter''': He is on a need-to-know basis. :'''Jesse''': Uh, I didn't wanna show my face. Did he need to know that? :'''Saul''': So, you're not just distribution. You're the whole freakin' package. :''[Saul leans up against a table, considering Walt and Jesse before turning to the lab equipment.]'' :'''Saul''': You two actually make the blue stuff? ''[brief pause]'' Here?! ''[chuckles and picks up a flask]'' That's amazing! :'''Walter''': Can you not touch...? :'''Saul''': I mean, look at this! I had a fish that could've used this as a vacation home, but you're using it to make the goods, huh? :'''Jesse''': Yeah, it's a, um, round-bottom flask. ''[turns to Walt]'' Right? Round-bottom? ''[Walt grimaces and says nothing]'' It's a flask for distilling. :'''Walter''': It won't be if you break it. Now please, put it down. :'''Saul''': Oh. ''[clears his throat]'' Okay, so if you cook the blue stuff... ''[to Jesse]'' that means you're Igor and— ''[to Walt]'' and that makes you... You're Heisenberg. Wow. Hey, tell me, how-how much product can you churn out with a setup like this? :'''Walter''': Alright, we're done. We're done with the questions. ''We'' ask the questions. You have ''a'' job—''one'' job—and I still don't understand how you're gonna pull it off. :'''Saul''': Listen, when I get all my ducks in a row, I'll give you a PowerPoint down at the office. But until then, just—just bring what we talked about, okay? And don't worry! I'm gonna make it work. :'''Walter''': I'm taking the eighty thousand as a starting point for negotiation. :'''Saul''': Take it any way you want. That's the price and, um... ''[clears throat again]'' I'm calling shotgun. ''[saunters up and plops down in the passenger's seat]'' :'''Walter''': ''[to Jesse, who attempts to take the driver's seat]'' I will drive. :'''Jesse''': Oh, yeah. Sure. I'll just... stand. I guess. ''[under his breath]'' Dick. :'''Saul''': At least you won't be rolling around like the last Christmas ham in the back of the delivery truck, you know? I—I've got bad knees. ''[to Walt]'' I think you might've messed up my rotator cuff. You're lucky I'm not charging you for my chiropractor, she's expensive. ''[to Jesse]'' But she adjusts ''everything.'' :''[Walt starts the RV, which immediately stalls out.]'' :'''Walter''': Dammit. :'''Jesse''': You gotta give it some ''gas'' when you're backing up. :'''Walter''': I gave it the proper amount of gas. :'''Jesse''': I guess that's why we're "moving", then. :'''Walter''': Look, it just was... idling too long. It'll start. :''[Walt attempts to turn over the ignition again and it sputters.]'' :'''Jesse''': Oh, you should've just let me drive, yo! :'''Walter''': Look, nothing would be different in this moment except you panicking and flooding the engine. :'''Jesse''': ''[scoffs]'' Bullshit. :'''Saul''': Look, fellas, I was enjoying the [[w:Laurel and Hardy|Laurel and Hardy]] vibe, but I'm not such a fan of [[w:The Bickersons|the Bickersons]]. Now, can you get me back to my office? I—I got work to do if you want me to make some magic. :'''Walter''': We just need to sit a moment, that's all. When it idles too long, the fuel pump overheats, and so we just need to let it cool down. :''[Walt takes the key out of the ignition, plunging the RV into darkness. Walt clears his own throat, which turns into a cough. A bit of blood spills onto his hand and he wipes it away, but Saul notices. He gives Walt a once-over and Walt responds with a glare of his own, which prompts Saul to turn his attention to the window.]'' :'''Jesse''': So... who's Lalo? :'''Saul''': ...Who? :'''Jesse''': Lalo. Thought some dude named Lalo sent us? You seemed pretty freaked out. Never heard of no Lalo on the street. :'''Saul''': ''[beat]'' It's nobody. ''[to Walt]'' Hey, are you gonna try that again? 'Cause... Or are they gonna find us, y'know, buried in a sandstorm a thousand years from now? Just, please. :''[Walt turns the key and the RV springs to life once again]'' :'''Jesse''': ''[sarcastically]'' Bravo. :'''Saul''': I second that! I'm gonna give you two free words of advice: Jiffy. Lube. :'''Walter''': Hold on. :''[They drive off out of the desert, leaving behind the hole that Walt and Jesse previously dug up.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Saul is lying on the floor with his feet in the Swing Master as Mike enters his office]'' :'''Saul:''' Ho, enter sunshine! Cast some light into my cool, dark world! :''[Mike doesn't say anything, sitting on the couch and looking at a newspaper crossword puzzle]'' :'''Saul:''' Hello? You're on the clock, right? So, get with the info any time. :'''Mike:''' When you're done. :'''Saul:''' No, I can multitask. Please. :'''Mike:''' I'm not gonna talk to you while you're on... whatever ''that'' is. :'''Saul:''' You know, LBJ used to have his underlings give him reports while he was on the shitter. :'''Mike:''' ''Ah-hah.'' Well, either I'm gonna leave or I'm gonna put my foot in your skull. :'''Saul:''' ''[sighs]'' ...Fine. ''[gets up off the floor]'' You should try one of these. You walk like Frankenstein after he was probed by aliens. ''Ha!'' I can get you one. Would do wonders for your chi. ''[puts on his suit jacket and seats himself behind his desk]'' Let's go. Lay it on me. :''[Mike walks to the desk and hands Saul an envelope containing photos.]'' :'''Mike:''' Alright. First: there's your Mrs. Denise Gabbler. She's cheating, alright. :'''Saul:''' ''[whistles]'' Limber! ''Ha-ha!'' Well, at least I know they didn't spot you. No one could stay that aroused with your mug peeking through the window. ''[Mike stares at Saul, stone-faced; he doesn't respond]'' What else you got? :'''Mike:''' Well, next I followed your bus driver. Newsflash: He really does have a broken neck. :'''Saul:''' Fantastic. That makes my life much easier. Keep it coming. :'''Mike:''' Second-story guy out of Indianapolis, Lasky? Did a dime at Menard. Now, if you're looking for a tenor who will keep his mouth shut, you can trust him. I say he's worth keeping an eye on. :'''Saul:''' Second-story guy, second-story guy... I—I got more second-story guys in my book than pimples at a junior prom. That... ''[inhales]'' What about, uh, that Heisenberg fella? :'''Mike:''' High school chemistry teacher. :'''Saul:''' You're shittin' me, really? :'''Mike:''' Walter Hartwell White. Chemistry teacher over at J. P. Wynne. Working with a former student, current meth head, one Jesse Pinkman. :'''Saul:''' Wow... Uh, what else about the teacher? :'''Mike:''' He has lung cancer. :'''Saul:''' ''Jesus.'' That's why he can't quit with the coughing. How bad? :'''Mike:''' Stage 3A. He's in treatment, more tests to come. But it doesn't look good. Now listen, even if this guy was gonna live, I wouldn't go near him. He's a complete amateur. :'''Saul:''' Well, you see an amateur, I see 170 pounds of clay ready to be molded. :'''Mike:''' Well, if the cancer doesn't get him, it will be the cops or a bullet to the head. :'''Saul:''' Is that your appraisal, or is that what [[w:Gus Fring | He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named]] says about him? :'''Mike:''' He didn't say anything. The guy is small potatoes. :'''Saul:''' Yeah, okay. I hear ya. I just—I got a feeling about this. This Heisenberg guy's got something. It's top-of-the-line product, that's the buzz on the street. And I just think with the right management— :'''Mike:''' You know, years ago I bought a [[w:Betamax|Betamax]]. Good product, top of the line. Experts said it was better than a VHS. Turned out to be a complete waste of time and money. :'''Saul:''' ''Hm?'' :'''Mike:''' ''[sternly]'' Let it go. :'''Saul:''' ''[sighs]'' ...Guy with that mustache probably doesn't make a lot of good life choices. So yeah, the second-story guy. Menard, you said? :'''Mike:''' Yeah, right, right, right. Alright, part of a high-end crew fencing jewelry up into Canada. Now, Lasky kid caught a bad break. Cop was driving by just as he was ducking in a window. He did the time, no one else on his crew went down. Solid. :''[Saul stares off into space, not paying attention to what Mike is saying.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Saul learns that Jeff's friend, Buddy, bailed on one of their scams and confronts him in the garage behind Jeff's house.]'' :'''Saul''': You're kidding me! Absolutely kidding me! :'''Buddy''': I'm sorry, man. I couldn't do it. :'''Saul''': Do you know how much time, how much effort I put into finding the perfect mark?! I have to weed through all these saps who have wives and families at home! Find somebody who's alone, with money! And what—So you can just wimp out?! :'''Buddy''': The guy has cancer, man! I found pills in his pocket, okay? The same ones my dad took. For, like, pancreatic cancer. :'''Saul''': So a guy with cancer can't be an asshole? ''[chuckles]'' Believe me! I speak from experience! :'''Buddy''': I can't rip off a guy with cancer. I'm sorry. :'''Saul''': Do you know how many of the suckers we've ripped off had sob stories?! ''Every single one of them!'' Besides, it'll be ''months'' before they even realize they've been taken! This guy will already be dead! So please get back in your truck, go back to the house, and finish the job! :'''Buddy''': ''[beat]'' No, man. I can't do that! I can't! :'''Saul''': Alright, I get it! You'll get over it, okay? Please, believe me. Before you know it, you'll forget all about it. ''[softly]'' Go. :'''Buddy''': Look, we're doing really well, right? Hear me out, okay? I mean, we're rolling in cash! We can just let this one go! :'''Saul''': Not your call. :'''Buddy''': ''[sighs]'' Yeah, but I... I pulled the tape when I left! The door's locked! We couldn't get back in even if we wanted to! ''[Saul angrily slaps the top of Jeff's car]'' Jeff, come on, man! Back me up here! :'''Jeff''': Oh, well I... I don't know. I mean, I can see both sides kinda. :'''Saul''': You know what? Forget it, you're fired. Just go! Just give me the camera and go! :'''Buddy''': ''[hands Saul his camera]'' Fine. :'''Saul''': GOOD! Go, we don't need you! And I know I don't need to tell you this, but since you're such a goddamn amateur, I will anyway! Keep your mouth ''shut''. :''[Buddy gives Jeff one last glance before leaving the garage.]'' :'''Saul''': ''[to Jeff]'' If we're gonna do this, we should leave now. :'''Jeff''': ...We're really gonna go back there? :'''Saul''': What did I just say? Jeff, are you in or out?! === ''Waterworks'' [6.12] === :'''Kim:''' Kim Wexler. :'''Jimmy:''' Hey! Kim Wexler... You know who this is? :''[Kim remains silent.]'' :'''Jimmy:''' I'm gonna take that as a "yes". Uh, that receptionist of yours, is she the type to listen in? :'''Kim:''' No. :'''Jimmy:''' Good! Okay! So... How's Florida been treating you? I'm catching you between hurricanes, I hope. Kim? You there? :'''Kim:''' What do you want? :'''Jimmy:''' No, I don't... I don't want anything, I just-- It's been a while, y'know, I was just... I was thinking, it's been a while? And, uh... It might be nice to catch up! :'''Kim:''' Catch up? :'''Jimmy:''' Yeah, my mind was wandering this morning, just... Not thinking anything in particular, just random thoughts and bam, it suddenly occurred to me, it's been six years. I mean, Jesus. I-- I couldn't believe it! :''[Another long beat.]'' :'''Jimmy:''' I thought you might wanna... know I'm still alive. Yep. I'm still out here! Still getting away with it! Feds couldn't find their own ass with both hands and a proctologist. :'''Kim:''' You shouldn't be calling me. :'''Jimmy:''' Oh, hey! You're awake. :'''Kim:''' You shouldn't be calling! :'''Jimmy:''' Why not? What, am I tying up the line from important irrigation business? I mean, c'mon, Kim, say something. Hey, call me an asshole! Yell at me! Just-- let me know you still got a pulse. Just ''say'' something! :'''Kim:''' You want me to say something? :'''Jimmy:''' Yeah! :'''Kim:''' You should turn yourself in. :'''Jimmy:''' Do what? :'''Kim:''' You heard me. I don't know what kind of life you've been living, but it can't be much. :'''Jimmy:''' Said the pot to the kettle! What-- Y-- That is--! That is really rich, you-- ''you'' preaching to ''me?!'' See-- You have no idea what I did or didn't do, okay? A-And, and w-- Why don't you turn ''your''self in? Seeing as how ''you're'' the one with the guilty conscience, huh? What i-- What is stopping you, huh? Fring's in the ground. Mike's in the ground, Lalo's in the ground, apparently. You d-- You don't have to hold back on my account! They can only hang me once, so what-- So go ahead! Spill your guts, put on your hair shirt, see what it gets you! Why are-- Kim, why are we even talking about this? We're both too smart to throw our lives away for no reason, just... I just-- I only wanted to... Kim-- Kim...! Kim... :'''Kim:''' I'm glad you're alive. :''[She hangs up.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cheryl Hamlin has just finished reading Kim's written confession, describing the events of Season 6 up to and including Howard's death.]'' :'''Cheryl:''' ...why? :'''Kim:''' He was... in the wrong place at the wrong time. :'''Cheryl:''' Where's his body? :'''Kim:''' I don't know. :'''Cheryl:''' And the police... will they search again? :'''Kim:''' They'll search. I don't think they'll find him. Cheryl, he-- It-- It all happened in an instant, and he didn't-- he didn't suffer. :'''Cheryl:''' "He didn't suffer"? The lies you two made up, the picture you painted... That's all he is now! That's all ''anybody'' remembers! :'''Kim:''' I wanna change that. :'''Cheryl:''' What happens now? Will you be tried? Will you go to jail? :'''Kim:''' I dunno. :'''Cheryl:''' You're a lawyer, right? You're a g- A ''great'' one, Howard said! How could you ''not know?'' :'''Kim:''' Burnham Legal County has my affidavit. It's up to the District Attorney whether to prosecute. And she may not :'''Cheryl:''' ''Why?'' :'''Kim:''' There's no physical evidence. No remaining witnesses other than my ex-husband, assuming he's still alive. :'''Cheryl:''' I could sue you in Civil Court, I could take everything you've got. :'''Kim:''' Yeah. :'''Cheryl:''' ...why are you doing this? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kim stands outside Saul's office, attempting to light a cigarette. The camera pans to reveal Jesse Pinkman leaning against a wall. He calls out to her:]'' :'''Jesse:''' Hey, yo... can I bum one of those? :''[Kim pauses before offering him the cigarette. Jesse takes it and she lights it for him.]'' :'''Jesse:''' Thanks. Mm. ''[He gestures towards the rain.]'' What's up with this shit? :'''Kim:''' Raining. :'''Jesse:''' Yeah. I dunno, it's... It's crazy! Like, bananas, all this rain. I mean, I thought we were, like, in a desert, y'know? :''[A long beat.]'' :'''Jesse:''' You're a lawyer, right? Yeah. I recognize you. You defended my buddy, Combo. Christian Ortega? Juvie Court? Little Baby Jesus? I mean, not like a ''real'' Baby Jesus, just, uh... Y'know, one of those things outside of the Church? :'''Kim:''' Nativity Scene. :'''Jesse:''' Yeah. :'''Kim:''' Knights of Columbus. :'''Jesse:''' I mean, what the ''hell'' did he even want that thing for? Huh? I mean, I-- I still don't know, ''dumbass''. I told him he could go to Hell for stealing something like that, I mean, but did he listen to me? No. But you... You got him off, like, scot-free, that... That was pretty slick, yo! :'''Kim:''' Well... Tell him I hope he's keeping his nose clean. :'''Jesse:''' Yeah, yeah. Right on. Absolutely. Ugh. Hey, so, you having all this expertise and all... This guy, Goodman... He the real deal? Like, lawyer-wise? :'''Kim:''' Why do you ask? :'''Jesse:''' I got a buddy in there who's facing some serious time. I mean, not... y'know, not Baby Jesus time, but... but serious, y'know, he needs top-shelf legal representation. And I tell him that, right? But, y'know, he sees this dude's commercials on TV, and this is where he wants to go... I mean, I tell him, "Yo... Emilio, y'know, a funny TV commercial's not a sound... basis for, like, y'know... I mean, like, would you go to a doctor to do an operation on you in, like, a... On, like your spleen, or whatever... All on the fact that there was a funny TV commercial? No. I mean, c'mon. How is this ''any'' different, y'know?" Anyways... This guy. Any good? :''[Kim throws her cigarette away.]'' :'''Kim:''' When I knew him, he was. :''[She pulls her hood up and runs out into the rain.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jimmy has just discovered Marion watching videos on the internet. He opens up her computer to find one of his old commercials playing, then re-shuts it.]'' :'''Jimmy:''' What's that? :'''Marion:''' ...you tell me. :'''Jimmy:''' Marion, do you think that's me? 'Cause it's not. :'''Marion:''' There never was a Nippy, was there? :'''Jimmy:''' What did Jeff tell you? :'''Marion:''' Oh, he didn't tell me anything. [[w:AskJeeves | AskJeeves]] told me. I typed in "conman" and "Albuquerque". And up you popped, big as day. :''[Marion reaches for her phone.]'' :'''Jimmy:''' What are you doing, Marion? :'''Marion:''' What do you think I'm doing? I'm calling the police. :'''Jimmy:''' Here. Let me help you with that. :''[Jimmy rips the phone line from the wall and backs Marion into a corner.]'' :'''Jimmy:''' Listen, I think we're losing sight of the bigger picture here, okay? Jeff is in trouble, and I wanna help him. He and I could sure use your support here! :'''Marion:''' What'd you get my son into?! :'''Jimmy:''' Nothing that he didn't ask for. :''[Jimmy shoves Marion's chair to the side and wraps the phone cord around his fists.]'' :'''Jimmy:''' Listen, I'm still the good friend you thought I was, okay? Jeff understands me! Buddy understands me! And you will, too. You just have to, uh... Y'know, keep things on an even keel, alright? :''[Marion pulls out her [[w:Life Alert Emergency Response | LifeAlert button]], threatening Jimmy with it as he closes in.]'' :'''Jimmy:''' What have you got there? Put that down. Put that down, Marion. Put it down. Do not do it, Marion. Final warning... :''[Jimmy takes it out of her grasp.]'' :'''Marion:''' I trusted you. :''[Jimmy holds on to the button for a few moments, guilt quickly setting in before he lets it go. Marion grasps the button again and presses it.]'' :'''Valerie:''' Marion? This is Valerie, with LifeAlert. Are you okay? :'''Marion:''' No, Valerie, I'm not okay! There's a criminal standing in my kitchen, threatening me -- he's a wanted man, and his name is Saul Goodman! :'''Valerie:''' Alright, Marion? I'm calling the police, I'm calling right now. :''[Jimmy sprints out of the kitchen and exits the house. Marion looks on in shock.]'' === ''Saul Gone'' [6.13] === == External links == {{wikipedia}} [[Category:Better Call Saul seasons]] [[Category:Split television seasons]] jgc1yu5ihsg2uudjqw6eog33x540j06 3153073 3153030 2022-08-10T01:08:34Z DemonDrake 3100809 /* Waterworks [6.12] */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} ---- :'''Season''' [[Better Call Saul (season 1)|1]] [[Better Call Saul (season 2)|2]] [[Better Call Saul (season 3)|3]] [[Better Call Saul (season 4)|4]] [[Better Call Saul (season 5)|5]] [[Better Call Saul (season 6)|6]] | [[Better Call Saul|'''Main''']] ---- The following is a list of quotes from the sixth season of ''[[Better Call Saul]]''. === ''[[w:Wine and Roses|Wine and Roses]]'' [6.01] === :''[Mike, Gus, and Tyrus gather in the office trailer at the Los Pollos Hermanos chicken farm to discuss the aftermath of the attempted hit on Lalo Salamanca.]'' :'''Gus:''' Tell me again about the ''sicario'' who made the final report. :'''Tyrus:''' He was already wounded when he talked to our cutout. Federales found him dead at the scene. But they got Salamanca. :'''Gus:''' The mercenaries are dead. To a man. And yet their mission was a success? :'''Mike:''' It has been known to happen. Now you go down there and get Varga, bring him home safe. There's ways to do it on the quiet. :''[Long pause; Gus and Tyrus both stare at him.]'' :'''Mike:''' ''[scoffs]'' ...Unless you already have something in the works. :''[Tyrus turns and exits the trailer. Mike and Gus speak alone.]'' :'''Gus:''' Speak your mind. :'''Mike:''' Loyalty goes both ways. Varga's done everything you asked him. :'''Gus:''' He wasn't given a choice. :'''Mike:''' Maybe so, but he played a tough game. And he played it on the square. :'''Gus:''' ...And? :'''Mike:''' When all is said and done, the kid deserves your respect. :'''Gus:''' He has it. Is there more you wish to say? :''[After a long pause, Mike exits the trailer.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jimmy and Kim have dinner at a diner; conversation turns to the Ford Taurus that Jimmy has rented.]'' :'''Jimmy:''' I rented us a car. It's the Ford. :'''Kim:''' So Saul Goodman drives a brown Ford Taurus? :'''Jimmy:''' Detroit calls that taupe, I believe. :'''Kim:''' Don't you think Saul Goodman would drive something with a little more... flair? :'''Jimmy:''' Such as? :'''Kim:''' I don't know. Definitely American-made. Something showy. And Saul Goodman has an office. Something eye-catching. Good location. :'''Jimmy:''' By the courthouse? :'''Kim:''' Yeah. A cathedral of justice. :'''Jimmy:''' ''Ooooh'', a cathedral of justice. Okay, yeah. :'''Kim:''' We should start looking for something for you. I mean, for Saul. :'''Jimmy:''' Sold. When do we start? <hr width="50%"/> :''[At the courthouse, Jimmy is confronted by the district attorney who prosecuted Lalo during his bail hearing]'' :'''ADA Khalil''': I've been calling you for two days. :'''Jimmy''': Oh, my girl's out sick. What can I do you for? :'''ADA Khalil''': Tomorrow morning, 10 A.M. :'''Jimmy''': Brunch? But just you and me, right? ''[points at Detective Roberts]'' I mean, won't the big fella here feel like a third wheel? :'''ADA Khalil''': You and I are meeting Parson in chambers. I am asking for an emergency hearing to alter the terms of De Guzman's release. :'''Jimmy''': Sounds like a blast. Unfortunately, I'm booked solid. :'''Detective Roberts''': I checked your client's place of residence. The address he gave, it's a Dairy Queen in Altamonte. The family that showed at the bail hearing can't be located. No driver's license, no tax rolls, no school records. Nothing. The fact is, there isn't a single Elizabeth McKinnon under the age of 73 living in New Mexico. :'''Jimmy''': Well, this is–this is surprising. :'''ADA Khalil''': Your client has disappeared, and I'm not waiting six weeks to start looking for him. :'''Jimmy''': Hey, my guy put up seven million in bail. You think he's just gonna walk away from that? :'''Detective Roberts''': Who comes up with seven million bucks in cash? :'''ADA Khalil''': You know what I think? I think the family was fake. ''[to Jimmy]'' And I think you knew it the whole time. :'''Jimmy''': Okay, hold up. Just get real for a second. The hearing didn't go your way, and now you're trying for a do-over? You say my guy ran, I say he's got seven million reasons for showing up when he's legally required to do so. So, no, I won't be... uh, due process window dressing at any crash meeting with Parson. And if you try throwing any of this crap around in front of the judge without my presence, here's an accusation: Prosecutorial misconduct. ''Career-ending'' prosecutorial misconduct! :'''Detective Roberts''': None of that changes the fact the guy's not who he said he was. :'''Jimmy''': No, no, no! Hold on! You guys got caught with your pants around your ankles, and somehow that's on me?! I don't think so! ''[points at ADA Khalil]'' You got two dozen lawyers up there! You got investigators—you got the whole damn police force—and it's ''my'' fault that you can't keep track of Lalo?! ''That is '''not''' my job!'' :'''ADA Khalil''': Lalo? Who's Lalo? :'''Jimmy''': What?! ''[blinks hard]'' What did I say... I meant De Guzman. I have more than one client! ''[chuckles]'' So... ''[clears throat]'' I will see you at the preliminary in six weeks as scheduled. Until then, I have clients who need me. :''[Jimmy walks into an empty courtroom and sits down while contemplating his slip-up]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jimmy takes a guided tour of the country club where Howard and Cliff are members, meeting with a tour guide named Norm in the main lounge.]'' :'''Norm:''' Hi, Norm Wakely. I understand you're in the market for a tour. :'''Jimmy:''' That's right. Saul Goodman. :'''Norm:''' Great to meet you, Mr. Goodman. :'''Jimmy:''' No please, call me Saul. :'''Norm:''' Great. So Saul, can I get you anything before we get started? The coffee here is just unbeatable. :'''Jimmy:''' Uh, well, I'm fine. I'm fully caffeinated. :''[Kevin Wachtell walks into the room and becomes upset upon seeing Jimmy in the lounge.]'' :'''Norm:''' Well Saul, you and I are standing on hallowed ground. Five presidents have played on our course, starting with Dwight D. Eisenhower. But the story goes back even further than that– :'''Kevin:''' ''Norm.'' :''[Jimmy and Norm turn toward Kevin.]'' :'''Kevin:''' Can I have a sec, please? :'''Jimmy:''' Kevin, hey. How's it going? :'''Norm:''' Uh, I'm sorry. I'm sure this will just be a moment. :''[Norm goes over to Kevin and talks to him for a few moments, clearly being instructed to remove Jimmy from the premises.]'' :'''Norm:''' Mr. Goodman. I'm so sorry, but I've just been reminded that in fact we have a two-year waiting list. :'''Jimmy:''' Two years, wow. Maybe I could go on the tour anyway. I mean, 'cause I'm here. Just in case. :'''Norm:''' Well unfortunately, we've suspended tours for the moment. :'''Jimmy:''' You're not even giving tours? :'''Norm:''' I apologize for the inconvenience. We–we'll be happy to call you if the situation changes. You left your number? :'''Jimmy:''' Uh-huh. :'''Norm:''' Well, we'll be in touch. If the situation changes. Again, I–I am sorry for your time and trouble. We just– ''[sighs]'' We had a few crosswires. :'''Jimmy:''' Well... okay then. :'''Norm:''' Thank you. :''[Jimmy is about the leave the lounge, but impulsively stops, turns around, and approaches Norm again.]'' :'''Jimmy:''' I'm sorry. :'''Norm:''' Oh, yes. :'''Jimmy:''' Um, just so I understand: you were going to give me a tour and then realized you don't need new members? :'''Norm:''' We have a waiting list. :'''Jimmy:''' Okay, but you're the membership director... :'''Norm:''' I know. :'''Jimmy:''' ...so you would have known that before. It doesn't really add up. I mean, I came in and everyone was rolling out the red carpet, and then all of a sudden something changed. I don't– :'''Norm:''' Mr. Goodman, I– :'''Jimmy:''' ''Goodman.'' The name. The second you heard it, everything turned on a dime. Wow. Waiting list? I think you're talking about an ''exclusion'' list. It's okay, I should have known. Because, I mean, look! ''[raises his voice and walks to the middle of the lounge, where everyone can see him]'' It's wall-to-wall mayonnaise in here! So listen, if you're going to be restrictive, have the courage to say so! :'''Norm:''' There's no question– :'''Jimmy:''' There it is, folks! Anti-Semitism, alive and well right here in Albuquerque! :'''Norm:''' Sir! We have many Jewish members! :'''Jimmy:''' Oh good. Well, you met your quota then. Gold star for you. :''[Kevin, flanked by two of his golf buddies, interjects.]'' :'''Kevin:''' Hold on. That's gotta be the biggest load of horse crap I've ever heard in my life. Go crawl back in your hole, McGill or Goodman – whatever you're calling yourself. What are you up to, anyway? Ginning up another one of your put-up job lawsuits? You two-faced, blackmailing, money-grubbing son of a bitch– :'''Jimmy:''' Money-grubbing! You're saying the quiet part out loud, I think. :'''Norm:''' Gentlemen, can we just keep the volume down? :'''Kevin:''' You know damn well that's not what I meant! :'''Jimmy:''' In this day and age, I'd hoped and prayed we'd be beyond this. :'''Kevin:''' You're about as Jewish as my Aunt Fannie! :'''Jimmy:''' Five-thousand years and it never ends! :''[Kevin tries to take a swing at Jimmy, but is held back by his golf buddies.]'' :'''Jimmy:''' ''Here it is! Violence! It always comes to this!'' :'''Norm:''' Mr. Wachtell, please! :'''Kevin's Buddy:''' Come on, Kev. :'''Kevin:''' ''[to Jimmy]'' You go to hell, you lying sack of shit. :''[Kevin and his golf buddies leave the lounge.]'' :'''Norm:''' Sir. Mr. Goodman, I don't know what to say. That is not– :'''Jimmy:''' I wouldn't be a member here. I wouldn't walk through those doors again after what happened to me here today. ''[feigns tears]'' Do you at least have a bathroom that I could use, seeing as how my– Stress like that is hell on my diverticulitis. :'''Norm:''' The men's locker room is the closest. It's straight through there. :'''Jimmy:''' And I would be allowed to go in there? :'''Norm:''' Yes, of course. :'''Jimmy:''' I want you to know I don't blame you personally. I know you were just following orders. ''[to everyone in the lounge]'' It's okay, folks! I'm leaving! All is well! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lalo is preparing to be smuggled across the border with a group of undocumented immigrants when he decides to call the Casa Tranquila Nursing Home and speak to Hector. A nurse holds a phone up to Hector's ear in the common room. Hector uses his bell to communicate.]'' :'''Lalo:''' ''[in Spanish]'' Uncle, can you hear me? Do you know my voice? :''[Hector visibly recognizes Lalo's voice.]'' :'''Hector:''' ''[rings bell twice]'' :'''Lalo:''' They told you about the attack, didn't they? :'''Hector:''' ''[rings once]'' :'''Lalo:''' Let them keep believing I'm dead. So much the better. It was the chicken man. That coward sat up there in the north while his paramilitaries came into my home. My home, Uncle! Screw Bolsa, screw Eladio. I'm coming north. I'm going to hurt him. Hurt him like you taught me. And then I will kill him. :'''Hector:''' ''[rings repeatedly in agreement]'' :'''Lalo:''' What is it? :''[The nurse takes the phone from Hector.]'' :'''Nurse:''' Hector? ''[to Lalo]'' Excuse me. I'm so sorry, but Hector seems a little upset. :'''Lalo:''' ''[in English]'' Yeah, sorry. Um, I'm just– I'm sharing a bit of family news, some good, some bad. Would you mind putting him back on? It will only be a minute. :'''Nurse:''' Of course. :''[The nurse again holds the phone to Hector's ear.]'' :'''Lalo:''' ''[in Spanish]'' Uncle? :'''Hector:''' ''[rings twice]'' :'''Lalo:''' What is it? Do you have another idea? :'''Hector:''' ''[rings twice]'' :'''Lalo:''' Okay, let's see. A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, Ñ, O, P– :'''Hector:''' ''[rings once]'' :'''Lalo:''' P? That's right? :'''Hector:''' ''[rings once]'' :'''Lalo:''' Okay. What's next? A, B, C, D... :''[Cut to the common room; Hector rings twice.]'' :'''Lalo:''' ...L, M, N, Ñ... :''[Cut to the common room; Hector rings once.]'' :'''Lalo:''' U? ''Prueba?'' :'''Hector:''' ''[rings once]'' :'''Lalo:''' Is that what you're saying? Proof? :'''Hector:''' ''[rings twice]'' :'''Lalo:''' Uncle, I don't have any proof. For months I was in the north watching him, following his men. There was nothing. :''[Lalo has a flash of realization.]'' :'''Lalo:''' Wait... There is proof. I know where to find it. Goodbye, Uncle. You will see me soon. === ''[[w:Carrot and Stick|Carrot and Stick]]'' [6.02] === :'''Jimmy''': "I was a hard worker. I was a company man. Twenty years, and I didn't miss a single day. They even gave me a plaque for it. ''[sighs]'' It was a gold plaque. Perfect attendance... But when they handed it to me, I wrenched my back. I was in so much pain, I couldn't do my job... ''[sighs again]'' which meant I couldn't put food on the table. I didn't want to sue... but with a family to support, what choice did I have?" :'''Kim''': Wait, who are you supposed to be again? :'''Jimmy''': Whatever. The backstory is just a placeholder. I'm gonna polish the script once we cast. :'''Kim''': But a personal injury suit? Best case scenario, that gets him in with an associate. :'''Jimmy''': ''[throws hands up]'' Mesothelioma. ''[clears his throat]'' "When I took that job down at the shoe factory, I had no idea I was risking my life. Now, I can't stop coughin'!" Right? Come on! Hey, a mesothelioma class-action built Clifford Main his vacation house. He hears "mesothelioma," his eyes pop! :'''Kim''': Well, sure. But then he takes the case. What happens when he asks for a medical evaluation? And how does Howard come up? :'''Jimmy''': Okay, ask me why I'm here. :'''Kim''': What brings you to Davis & Main today? :'''Jimmy''': "I'm sick. I'm really sick..." :'''Kim''': Good. :'''Jimmy''': "...and it's not mesothelioma, but it's not good. And I need a lawyer, and the pickings are slim. I already went to HHM. I met with their top guy, Howard Hamlin, and uh... Uhhh, I–I got a brother-in-law and he's got a pretty nasty coke habit, very similar energy. Just put me off. Anyway, I need a lawyer, blah-blah-blah." :'''Kim''': Okay, but you got a bad feeling from just one meeting? :'''Jimmy''': Yeah, I had the brother-in-law with the coke. :'''Kim''': Yeah, but you were only in the room with him once. :'''Jimmy''': Okay, so it's gotta be something with a history with Howard. :'''Kim''': Yeah. :'''Jimmy''': But Cliff has to want to take the meeting, but not the case. :'''Kim''': Right. :'''Jimmy''': ''[sighs]'' It's gotta be good, but not too good. :'''Kim''': Exactly. There's a sweet spot, you know. Like a magnet. We–we pull Cliff in, and then repel him. ''[beat]'' Oh! :'''Jimmy''': What? :'''Kim''': ''[sighs]'' You are going to ''hate'' this... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jimmy tracks down the Kettlemans to their shady tax preparation office and tries to rope them into his and Kim's plan to ruin Howard]'' :'''Betsy''': ''[to Jimmy]'' You've got some nerve coming here after what you did! ''[shoves Jimmy]'' ''Leave!'' Because of you, we lost ''everything!'' Our kids are in public school! So why don't you go crawl back under whatever slime-covered rock you came from and leave us the heck alone?! :'''Jimmy''': Okay, I sense some anger here, but that's–that's perfectly understandable. Since you brought it up, I came here today because I was curious if you two wanted your lives back. There's actually a legal term for it: Exoneration. :'''Craig''': Oh. You know, we actually did look into that. :'''Betsy''': Yep. :'''Craig''': We went to a number of lawyers, and— :'''Betsy''': ''Real'' lawyers. :'''Craig''': Yes. They were all terrific, but they said that it was impossible. :'''Betsy''': ''Mm-hmm''. :'''Jimmy''': Okay, but those lawyers don't know what I know. :'''Craig''': What's that? :'''Betsy''': No, Craig. He's got an angle. :'''Jimmy''': I ''do'' have an angle, Craig. It's an angle called justice. ''[Betsy scoffs and snickers]'' Let me put it this way: I think that within Craig's case, I have found the grounds for a civil suit. A big one. ''[pause; quietly]'' Big. :'''Betsy''': ''[long pause; looks at Craig]'' Okay, then. Let's hear it. :'''Jimmy''': Let's hold your horses, because we've been down this road before. [[w:Uno (Better Call Saul)|And the last time I gave you two advice, you went straight to the competition with it.]] ''[pulls out a piece of paper from inside his suit]'' So, I just need some assurances that all my hard work isn't gonna end up in the hands of, uh, Clifford Main or some other asshole at some pretentious high-pay, white-shoe law firm. So before we talk turkey, letters of engagement. :'''Craig''': Yes. :'''Jimmy''': Yeah, you remember these. I made some updates, just closed a few loopholes and whatnot. So... ''[holds out paper and pen]'' :'''Betsy''': ''[stops Craig from taking the pen]'' We're not signing anything. :'''Jimmy''': You have to sign if you want to know what I know. :'''Betsy''': ''We're not signing.'' :'''Jimmy''': Really? You're sure? :'''Betsy''': Yep. :'''Jimmy''': Craig? :'''Craig''': ''[looks at Betsy before shaking his head]'' Thanks anyway. :'''Jimmy''': ''[unclicks pen]'' Alright. Well, uh... Sorry we couldn't work something out. :'''Betsy''': I'm sure you are. :''[Jimmy overhears Betsy and Craig arguing as he walks around the trailer. He balls the pen in his fist]'' :'''Craig''': Mr. Goodman! :'''Jimmy''': ''[smiles; clicks pen and takes out letter]'' Best decision you've ever made. ''[turns his back to Craig for him to sign the letter]'' Here you go. :'''Betsy''': ''[after Craig signs the letter]'' So what do you know? :'''Jimmy''': You got one, too, Betsy. ''[holds out another letter]'' :''[Betsy snatches the pen and paper from Jimmy and signs the letter while pressing the pen hard on Jimmy's back]'' :'''Jimmy''': Oh, come on. That's not... ''Ow''. All right. Well, we're officially in business. Now, I have it on good authority here that Craig was not given proper counsel. :'''Betsy''': We already knew that. :'''Jimmy''': But did you ask yourselves why? :'''Craig''': No. Why? :'''Jimmy''': What if I told you that in your hour of need, the person who was supposed to be on your side was impaired? :'''Craig''': Impaired? :'''Jimmy''': It's a... a person of substance. ''[as Betsy and Craig talk to each other quietly]'' Substance in question being a certain illegal white powder. :'''Betsy''': That awful woman with the ponytail is a cocaine addict. :'''Jimmy''': No, not Kim Wexler! No! Craig's lead attorney, Howard Hamlin! :'''Craig''': Oh. I thought he was so... professional and energetic. Upbeat. :'''Betsy''': Oh... :'''Jimmy''': "Oh," is right. :'''Craig''': So upbeat is bad? :'''Jimmy''': In this case, it's textbook malpractice. The magic phrase is, "ineffective assistance of counsel." If your guy wasn't nose deep in the devil's dandruff, well, Craig's case would've turned out completely different. :'''Craig''': Oh, my God! :'''Betsy''': Don't we need some kind of proof? :'''Jimmy''': All the dirty laundry comes out in discovery. It’s just trips to rehab, secret drug deals. All we gotta do is get the ball rolling. So, I say we get started on your affidavits. :'''Craig''': Yes. :'''Betsy''': About that. We happen to know a thing or two about our rights, Mr. McGill. And it doesn’t matter what you force us to sign. We don’t have to work with any lawyer we don’t want. ''[gets in Jimmy's face]'' And that means... you’re fired. :'''Jimmy''': I am not fired. :'''Betsy''': Oh yes, you are! :'''Jimmy''': No! No! :'''Craig''': He’s fired? :'''Betsy''': Craig! :'''Jimmy''': No, you can’t fire me! I found this case, it’s mine! Hey, you wanna hear about rights?! The second you say where you got this information from, guess who automatically gets a cut?! ''Me! So go ahead! Go ahead, see what happens!'' :''[Jimmy pretends to be upset after the Kettlemans leave, but slowly starts smiling as he walks away]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Gus and Juan Bolsa visit Hector at Casa Tranquila to send their condolences, still believing that Lalo is dead. The dialogue is in Spanish.]'' :'''Bolsa''': He wishes to make amends. At least hear him out. :'''Gus''': Don Hector. It's no secret that I did not see eye to eye with your nephew. And while the friction between your family and myself did not start with him, today I am reminded we are all Eladio's men. No matter our disagreements, a strike against one is a strike against all. I hope you will accept my condolences and my support as you navigate this terrible loss. :'''Bolsa''': Gustavo speaks the truth. In this matter, he and I both stand shoulder to shoulder behind the Salamanca family. We are still looking for the traitor, Ignacio Varga. ''[places hand on Hector's shoulder]'' We will find him. And then your family will have justice. :''[Hector slowly reaches his hand out to Gus. As Gus holds his hand, he notices a change of expression on Hector's face and stares at him. Cut to outside the nursing home.]'' :'''Bolsa''': ''[to Gus in English]'' We'll be in touch. :''[Gus calls Mike on his cell phone after Bolsa drives away]'' :'''Mike''': What did you learn? :'''Gus''': Lalo Salamanca lives. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jimmy gets a call from Betsy Kettleman after she finds out there was no case against Howard]'' :'''Jimmy''': Saul Goodman, speedy justice for you. Oh, wait! Okay, just take a breath, and then we can... Okay, okay. I can tell you're upset. Just... I–I never advised that. No. ''[sighs]'' No, I did not, so let's agree to disagree. ''[pause]'' Okay, I think you're going to want to meet in person before you do anything rash. So how about–how about we meet up, and we can hash this out. ''[pause]'' Yeah, sure! Tomorrow, first thing. Uh, 9 A.M, I can come to your office. That work? ...Okay, okay! Good! ''[hangs up]'' :'''Kim''': I'm surprised it took them this long. You, uh... You're gonna use the stick, right? :'''Jimmy''': The stick? Well, it's a big stick. But I know these people, they're more carrot types. Especially her. ''[takes out cash and puts the bills in his suit pocket]'' Spoonful of sugar, you know? :'''Kim''': ''[beat]'' I think maybe I'll come, too. :'''Jimmy''': Tomorrow? Really? :'''Kim''': Sure. I have time. :'''Jimmy''': ''[pause]'' Okay. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tyrus''': They found the truck, but no sign of Varga. Salamancas have all eyes looking for him, including the federales. Still not picking up his cell, so nobody got a lock on it. Now as for Lalo, still missing. As far as everybody in the cartel is concerned, top to bottom, Lalo is dead. :'''Mike''': May I offer a thought? ''[pause; to Gus]'' If Salamanca was coming straight for you, he'd be here already. We've got guys watching anywhere he might turn up this side of Mexico. Wire taps on any phone he might call. There is not a whiff of him. Now, my guess is he's smart enough to know it's not in the Salamanca family interest to take you out without a reason the bosses can get behind. So, the odds are he's searching for Varga. Finds him alive, gets him to talk. ''[pause; Gus remains silent]'' Varga's alone in foreign territory, no one he can trust. The kid's smart, but he's not gonna last. ''[Gus stands up]'' He's gonna get caught. :''[Gus accidentally knocks a glass over and kneels down to pick up the shards from the floor]'' :'''Gus''': Continue. :'''Mike''': The best way to handle this: I take four of our best guys, cross the border and track Varga down. Let me find him, bring him back before the Salamancas sweep him up. It's our only play. :''[After cleaning up the broken glass, Gus throws it away and looks out a nearby window]'' :'''Gus''': ''[beat; in Spanish]'' Varga's father. Bring him here. :'''Mike''': No. You're not doing that. ''[locks the door after Tyrus gets his gun out]'' You don't understand. That's not happening. :'''Tyrus''': ''[walks up to Mike and aims gun at him]'' Just say the word. :'''Mike''': Whatever happens next... it's not gonna go down the way you think it is. :''[Mike stares at Tyrus, who cocks his gun and waits for Mike to make a move.]'' :'''Mike''': ''[beat; hears cell phone vibrating]'' It's him. :'''Tyrus''': Bullshit. I've been calling Varga for hours. He hasn't picked up once. :'''Mike''': He's been trying to get me since he left the Salamancas. ''[opens phone]'' You want me to answer it? :''[Tyrus turns to Gus, who nods. Mike answers the phone and speaks to Nacho]'' :'''Mike''': Yeah. ''[pause]'' Yeah. ...Not my call. ''[pause]'' That's up to you. ''[to Gus]'' He wants to talk to you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Betsy:''' You used us &ndash; us and our good name &ndash; to character-assassinate Howard Hamlin. Somehow, some way, it benefits you to tear him down. :'''Craig:''' Yeah. And we're&ndash;we're mad. :'''Jimmy:''' Okay, yeah. I'm hearing a lot of unfounded accusations being tossed around. I don't know anything about schemes or character assassination or whatnot, but... ''[clears throat]'' if you're feeling slighted, we can make it right. ''[Jimmy hands Betsy a bundle of cash]'' :'''Betsy:''' Money? ''[scoffs]'' Money's not gonna take care of this. :'''Jimmy:''' Money takes care of everything. Isn't that the motto stitched onto the Kettleman family crest? :'''Betsy:''' We don't want money. :'''Jimmy:''' I am non-plussed. I'm guessing you want something. :'''Betsy:''' Do what you promised. :'''Jimmy:''' Do what I what? :'''Betsy:''' Exonerate Craig. Get his good name back. :'''Jimmy:''' Alright. Well, as you've been advised, for a number of reasons that's not gonna happen. :'''Betsy:''' It ''is'' gonna happen. It is. It's... You're just gonna have to figure out a way. :'''Craig:''' If anyone can do this, it's you. :'''Betsy:''' I know you don't want us going to Howard Hamlin. Because whatever it is you're up to, I'm sure he would be ''very'' interested. :'''Jimmy:''' Okay, let's just go easy on the threats. :'''Betsy:''' We want our lives back! The way they were before. ''Before.'' We lost everything! And we don't deserve any of this. :'''Kim:''' Okay. Enough carrot. ''[clears throat]'' :''[Kim turns to the home phone next to her and begins to dial]'' :'''Craig:''' Dial 9 to get out. :'''Kim:''' Oh, thank you. :'''Betsy:''' ''[whispering; to Craig]'' We didn't give her permission to use the phone. :'''Craig:''' ''[whispering; to Betsy]'' She needs to use the phone. :'''Jimmy:''' Kim... ? :''[The line connects; Kim speaks through the phone's speaker]'' :'''Receptionist:''' Internal Revenue Service, Albuquerque. :'''Kim:''' Hi. Could you put me through to Justin Stangel in Criminal Investigations? :'''Receptionist:''' One moment, please. :'''Betsy:''' ''[to Kim]'' What are you doing? Excuse me! :'''Justin:''' This is Justin. :'''Kim:''' Justin, Kim Wexler. How are you? :'''Justin:''' Hey, Kim. Good to hear from you. :'''Kim:''' How are Noreen and the boys? :'''Justin:''' Oh, hanging in. Noreen always talks about having you by for dinner some time. :'''Kim:''' We should do that. Tell her to call me. Listen, I was wondering who your CID officer is these days. :'''Justin:''' You have something for us? :'''Kim:''' Oh, I just might: Tax preparer fraud. A lot of it. :'''Justin:''' I'm listening. :'''Kim:''' Well, it's this, uh, run-down little mom-and-pop outfit I've had my eye on for a while. ''[chuckles]'' Don't ask me why. Clearly, I need to get a life. But from what I can glean, their clients always end up with smaller refunds than they deserve. :'''Betsy:''' ''[whispering]'' Please don't do this. :'''Justin:''' Do the clients sign over third-party authorization? :'''Kim:''' Bingo. So what I'm thinking is, these creeps file legit returns with you guys, give the clients fake ones that show about half the proper amount, and then pocket the difference. :'''Justin:''' Classic scam. Well, I know just the guy to go after these dirtbags. Tony Oropallo. Real bulldog. I'll transfer you over. :'''Kim:''' Such a big help, Justin. :'''Justin:''' You got it. Talk soon. :'''Betsy:''' You don't have to do this. :'''Kim:''' ''[to Betsy]'' Don't I? Betsy... You'll probably get twenty-four months, maybe eighteen with good behavior. But Craig? You are a two-time loser. They will definitely make an example out of you. Each false return they discover will be a separate felony. What are we talking? A hundred? :'''Betsy:''' Uh... :'''Kim:''' Two-hundred? :'''Tony:''' ''[beat]'' CID, Anthony Oropallo speaking. :''[Betsy runs to the phone and slams down the receiver to end the call]'' :'''Betsy:''' Please. We'll do anything. Just tell us. :'''Kim:''' ''[beat]'' Why would I believe ''you?'' Huh? :'''Craig:''' Please. :'''Kim:''' ''[long pause]'' First. First, you contact every person you've ripped off. Tell them you made an accounting error, tell them you're crooks who had a change of heart, I don't care. Give them what they are legally owed. Everything you stole. And then after that, you're going to forget you ever heard the name Howard Hamlin. I'm keeping my eye on both of you. You think you've lost everything? ''You have no idea.'' :''[Kim leaves the room with Jimmy while the Kettlemans stand shellshocked, on the verge of tears]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jimmy:''' [[w:Inflatable (Better Call Saul)|Wolves and sheep]]. :'''Kim:''' Huh? :'''Jimmy:''' ...Nothing. === ''[[w:Rock and Hard Place|Rock and Hard Place]]'' [6.03] === :''[Nacho calls his father from an auto shop while on the run]'' :'''Manuel''': A-to-Z Fine Upholstery. Hello? :'''Nacho''': Dad. It's me. :'''Manuel''': Nacho? :'''Nacho''': ''Si'', Papa. ''Hola''. :'''Manuel''': ''[sighs]'' ''Hola, hijo.'' ''[in Spanish]'' How are you? :'''Nacho''': ''[in Spanish]'' Good, good. Um... just wanted to hear your voice. :'''Manuel''': Nacho, where are you? You sound strange. :''[pause]'' :'''Nacho''': It's not important.... I was just checking in, that's all. :'''Manuel''': Okay. ''Hijo'', I have lots of work to do. We've been through this, so many times. You know what you have to do... go to the police. :'''Nacho''': Yes, Papa. I understand... I hear you. :''[pause]'' :'''Manuel''': What else is there to say? Hmm? Goodbye, ''hijo''. :'''Nacho''': ''[choked up]'' Goodbye, Papa. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Nacho calls Mike at an auto repair shop in Mexico while on the run from the Salamancas]'' :'''Mike''': Yeah. :'''Nacho''': It's me. :'''Mike''': Yeah. :'''Nacho''': You knew. You knew that I was going to Mexico to die, that I was never supposed to make it out of that motel. And you let it happen. :'''Mike''': Not my call. :'''Nacho''': What happens now? :'''Mike''': That's up to you. :'''Nacho''': Is that bastard with you? Put him on. :'''Mike''': Hmm. ''[to Gus]'' He wants to talk to you. :'''Gus''': ''[takes cell phone from Mike; to Nacho]'' Yes. :'''Nacho''': You are screwed. ''[pause]'' You want the cartel to blame me for Lalo. But if they catch me, and make me talk? ''Ooh...'' That is not good for you, is it? Even if I disappear, everyone's gonna smell your stink all over it. The only way that this works for you is with me dead. ''[beat]'' Alright. Whatever bullshit way you want the story to go, I will make it go. But... I need one thing. :'''Gus''': Yes? :'''Nacho''': My dad. I need to know that he will be safe. :'''Gus''': If you are true to your word, there will be no reason for anyone to harm your father. :'''Nacho''': ''You'' are not the one that I need to hear it from. :''[Gus puts the phone on speaker so Mike can speak to Nacho]'' :'''Mike''': Your dad's gonna be okay. :'''Nacho''': How do you know? :'''Mike''': Because anyone who goes after him is gonna have to come through me. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jimmy and Huell sit in a car; Jimmy pays Huell for duplicating the keys to Howard's Jaguar]'' :'''Huell:''' Can I ask you sum'n? :'''Jimmy:''' Sure, go ahead. :'''Huell:''' Personal, kind of. :'''Jimmy:''' Okay. What? :'''Huell:''' You're a lawyer. You make good money, right? :'''Jimmy:''' Good days and bad, but yeah. :'''Huell:''' Legit money, on the level. :'''Jimmy:''' Yeah, so? :'''Huell:''' Your wife's a lawyer. A legit lawyer. :'''Jimmy:''' Yeah. :'''Huell:''' Why you do all this? :'''Jimmy:''' Oh, I got you. I&ndash;I know from the outside that this looks like just another scam, but you're not seeing the bigger picture. Couple months from now, there are people whose lives are gonna be way better. Because of this. We're making a real difference. Trust me. We're doing the Lord's work here. :'''Huell:''' ''Hmph''. If you say so. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jimmy''': What's going on? :'''Kim''': I have news, Jimmy. Lalo is dead. :'''Jimmy''': ''[exhales deeply]'' Holy shit. :'''Kim''': The DA's office put it together that Lalo was calling himself De Guzman. They are pretty upset they let him go. :'''Jimmy''': I'll bet they are. :'''Kim''': Ericsen seems to think that if Lalo lied to you and you didn't know about the pseudonym, that you could break confidentiality. She wants you to talk. She says it's right. :'''Jimmy''': Well, what do you think we should do? :'''Kim''': You... should do whatever you want, Jimmy. They don't have anything on you. It's just a fishing expedition to see if you bite. :'''Jimmy''': ''[pause]'' You think I should do it? :'''Kim''': It depends. :'''Jimmy''': On what? :'''Kim''': Well... ''[sighs]'' I guess it's basically... Do you want to be a friend of the cartel or... do you want to be a rat? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Nacho is driven to a remote location with Gus, Tyrus and Victor. There they meet Juan Bolsa, Hector Salamanca, and the Cousins. Bolsa kneels next to Nacho.]'' :'''Bolsa:''' Today, you are going to die. But there are good deaths, and there are bad deaths. Tell me what I need to know, I'll see that your death is a good one. Who put you up to this? :''[Nacho glances at Gus, as if he's about to turn on him]'' :'''Bolsa:''' One last chance. ''Who?'' ''[long pause; scoffs and gets up to leave]'' :'''Nacho:''' It was Alvarez. Los Odios, out of Peru. They paid me to set up your nephew. And I did. :''[Hector furiously rings his bell and attempts to point to Gus, who he knows is the real culprit]'' :'''Bolsa:''' Alvarez, we know. Los Odios, we know. Was anyone else involved? :'''Nacho:''' ''[scoffs; nods to Gus]'' Him? You think the chicken man? ''Heh.'' What a joke. Alvarez has been paying me for years &ndash; ''years''. ''[to the Salamancas]'' But you know what? I would have done it for free. Because I hate every last one of you psycho sacks of shit. I opened Lalo's gate, and I would do it again. And I'm glad what they did to him. He's a soulless pig, and I wished I'd killed him with my own hands. And you know what else, Hector? I put you in that chair. Oh, yeah. Your heart meds? I switched them for sugar pills. You were dead and buried, and I had to watch ''this'' asshole... ''[gestures to Gus]'' ...bring you back. So when you are sitting in your shitty nursing home and you're sucking down on your Jell-O night after night for the rest of your life, ''you think of '''me,''' you twisted fuck.'' === ''[[w:Hit and Run (Better Call Saul)|Hit and Run]]'' [6.04] === :'''Jimmy:''' What kind of asshole moves a cone?! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jimmy''': So, I pull the Jag into the loading zone. And I start scrappin' with this hunk of metal. It was in deep—like, "down a well" deep—so I just... wrassled it! UGH! ''[Kim laughs hysterically]'' Like a freakin' bear, and I jam it in the dirt in front of the Jag! Boom! Barely made it out of there with the skin of my teeth. ''Who moves cones?'' Who does that? :'''Kim''': Narcissists. :'''Jimmy''': Heh, you're damn right. So you think Cliff really bought it, huh? :'''Kim''': One hundred percent! You should've seen his face. It landed, trust me. God, it was... beautiful. ''[pause]'' Oh, and that is not all. :'''Jimmy''': Spill. :'''Kim''': So... I'm doing the stall. I'm telling Cliff what I'm doing—what I wanna be doing. All I'm thinking is, I gotta stretch this out until you get there, but then... I don't know. I... kinda got caught up in it, and then... Cliff went for it. I mean, like, ''really'' went for it. :'''Jimmy''': What does that mean? Like, money? :'''Kim''': I don't think he'll write a check himself, but he knows people. And I think he'll deliver. :'''Jimmy''': You're kidding! :'''Kim''': I know! How great is that? :'''Jimmy''': This is unbelievable. ''[Kim laughs]'' Are we on a roll, or are we on a roll? Jeez! :'''Kim''': ''[beat]'' You ever feel like you're being followed? ''[pause]'' When I dropped Wendy off at the motel, she thought she was being watched by some undercover cops. But then when I drove away... that same car was behind ''me.'' Right after I spotted them, they disappeared. :'''Jimmy''': Well, you know what they say: The wicked flee where no man pursueth. :'''Kim''': ...You think we're wicked? :'''Jimmy''': No. What? ''[chuckles]'' It's just a turn of phrase. I think you're wicked hot. ''[pause]'' Alright. Listen to the voice of experience, okay? You know why you're feeling like this? Because we got away with it. It seems too good to be true, but trust me. Nobody is following you. ''[takes Kim's hand]'' No one knows what we're doing except for us. Okay? :'''Kim''': ''[pause]'' Okay. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jimmy confronts Bill Oakley at the courthouse when he notices his colleagues' cold treatment of him]'' :'''Jimmy''': What the hell is going on?! How come everyone's treating me like I'm covered in oozing pus sores? :'''Bill''': I liked you better when you were just a regular bottom feeder. But this? :'''Jimmy''': This? What is, "this?" :'''Bill''': I understand advocating for your client. Deep in my heart, I get it. But you scammed the court. You scammed the judge, and for what? To get a murdering cartel psychopath back out on the street? It's just... wrong. :'''Jimmy''': That's a lot of big talk, Bill. Prove it. Prove it, Bill! :'''Bill''': There's proving, and then there's knowing. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': They're gone. :'''Kim''': I'm sorry? :'''Mike''': The two men that were following you. They're gone. :'''Kim''': Do I know you? :'''Mike''': Would you mind sitting for a moment, and I will answer any questions I can. ''[pause; Kim sits down next to Mike]'' I have men watching you and your husband. I'm not with the police, and as far as I know, they're not investigating either of you. I ''do'' know that you've been up to a few things that you probably would rather keep private. I don't care. That's not what this is about. I'm trying to solve a problem of my own. :'''Kim''': What problem? :'''Mike''': Lalo Salamanca. :'''Kim''': Lalo Salamanca's dead. ''[beat; Mike says nothing and stares at Kim]'' He... isn't. :'''Mike''': We're watching anyone he might contact. That includes you and your husband. Most likely, he'll never reach out. He's got bigger fish to fry. But in the thousand to one chance that he does... :'''Kim''': And who do you work for? :'''Mike''': I said I would answer anything I can. :'''Kim''': ''[long pause]'' [[w:Bagman (Better Call Saul)|You're the guy from the desert]]. The one who was out there with Jimmy. Why are you telling me this and not him? :'''Mike''': Because I think you're made of sterner stuff. ''[pause; gets up]'' Alright. Now here's what's best for everyone. You spot my guys again—which I'm hoping you won't—let them go about their business. Just pretend they're not there. And pretty soon, they won't be. You and your husband just... go on living your lives. ''[starts to leave]'' :'''Kim''': I do know you. You worked in the parking booth at the courthouse. ''[pause]'' You were the attendant. :'''Mike''': ...I was. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kim meets Jimmy at a strip mall where an office space is available for lease]'' :'''Kim''': What are we doing here? :'''Jimmy''': Take a look. What do you think? :'''Kim''': About what? :'''Jimmy''': My new office. Potentially. Come on. :''[They both peer through the storefront windows of the office, which is empty except for a lone toilet]'' :'''Kim''': Huh. :'''Jimmy''': Mrs. Nguyen kicked me to the curb. :'''Kim''': What? Why? :'''Jimmy''': It's a long story, but upshot is she wants me out of there with extreme prejudice. :'''Kim''': Wow. Bad day, huh? :'''Jimmy''': Well, no. It was a... great day. With actual paying clients. The word is out! People were throwing cash retainers at me just to say Saul Goodman is their lawyer. :'''Kim''': Because of who you represented. :'''Jimmy''': Well, I mean, that's part of it. But the bottom line is I need a new place for new business pronto. Now, this place is a shithole, but the price is right. And I think I can talk the landlord into a month-to-month. So, it's temporary until I find something better. ''[sighs; pause]'' Hey. What do you think? :'''Kim''': ''[beat]'' It's small. It's... dirty. And this whole place smells funny. ''[pause]'' But the courthouse is five blocks away. You can't get to MDC without driving past. Parking is good, bail bond row isn't far, and uh... Taco Cabeza is just around the corner. Might be a diamond in the rough. Just promise me... you won't move the toilet. :'''Jimmy''': ''[chuckles]'' There it is. Alright. Uh... speaking of Taco Cabeza. :'''Kim''': I'm starving. Let's do it. === ''[[w:Black and Blue (Better Call Saul)|Black and Blue]]'' [6.05] === :''[Cliff informs Howard about witnessing Jimmy throw Wendy out of Howard's car]'' :'''Howard:''' I threw a woman out of my car? In the middle of the street? And I&ndash;''zip''&ndash;I just drive right past you? I... That's what you're saying? I-I-I don't even... I don't know how to respond to that. :'''Cliff:''' I'm not asking you to respond. I just need you to know that ''I'' know. :'''Howard:''' It wasn't me, Cliff. Whoever you think you saw&ndash; :'''Cliff:''' Yeah, sorry, but that's the kind of thing my son used to say. It was your Jaguar, your "Namaste" plate. It was you! Howard, there's no harm in asking for help. You got a lot of people in your corner. :'''Howard:''' So there's the-the baggie at the county club. :'''Cliff:''' Yes. :'''Howard:''' After that, some clients&ndash;who you can't name because of privilege&ndash;make insinuations. Then on Thursday, you have a business meeting and you witness a Jaguar speeding past. ''[beat]'' Who were you meeting with? :'''Cliff:''' Not sure why that's germaine, but... Kim Wexler. She came to me for career advice. :''[Howard's face becomes awash with realization]'' :'''Howard:''' ''Mmm.'' All right. ''[pause]'' Okay. ''[takes out his cell phone]'' Of course. ''[scoffs]'' Of course. ''[to Cliff]'' Cliff, I know this wasn't easy for you. You came to me as a friend. I appreciate it. :'''Cliff:''' You can start today, Howard. :'''Howard:''' Oh, I will. Because you're right, I ''do'' have a problem. Just not the problem you think. I have a Jimmy McGill problem. :'''Cliff:''' Jimmy McGill?! :'''Howard:''' You'll have to excuse me. :'''Cliff:''' Howard! :'''Howard:''' ''[to his secretary on the phone]'' Julie. Cancel my week. Yes, my whole week. :'''Cliff:''' Howard! :''[Howard climbs into his Jaguar and drives away]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jimmy walks into a boxing club and sees Howard, who pretended to be a potential client named "Mr. Ward"]'' :'''Howard''': Hello, Jimmy. :'''Jimmy''': Mr. Ward, I presume. As in... H.O. Ward. That is really cute, Howard. So, wait. That means that you're the guy who shanked some dude in a rumble near Central Pen. ''[sighs]'' That's—that's very street of you. :'''Howard''': I thought it sounded like a Saul Goodman kind of case. :'''Jimmy''': ...Alright, so what are we doing here? :'''Howard''': I'm tired, Jimmy. You and me, us. I'm tired of this. Aren't you? It's exhausting. ''[points at boxing ring behind him]'' Let's punch it out. :'''Jimmy''': ''[chuckles]'' Are you kidding? :'''Howard''': Dead serious. Hoping you might get it out of your system. Do I think it'll work? ''[shrugs]'' I don't know. Call it a Hail Mary. I have the gear, I rented the ring. It's just you and me... ''[points at the man standing behind Jimmy]'' and Macky to ref. :'''Jimmy''': ''[pause]'' I am sorry, but have you lost your mind? :'''Howard''': Actually, I'm as clear-headed as I've ever been in my life. You didn't even try to hide your tracks. The baggie of drugs at the country club, the clients you sent to discredit me, ''another'' prostitute. :'''Jimmy''': Okay, once again as usual, I— :'''Howard''': Please. I could go on. All roads lead back to you. It's Psych 101. You want to get caught. :'''Jimmy''': So what? Is this like pistols at dawn? :'''Howard''': I'm trying to give you what you want. :'''Jimmy''': What I want? I don't... I think this is what ''you'' want. You wanna beat the shit out of me? Legally? :'''Howard''': I think you can hold up your end. You must've gotten into a few good scrapes in your old neighborhood. :'''Jimmy''': Yeah, right. I could've been a contender. :'''Howard''': Indulge me. Let's see what we see. :'''Jimmy''': ''[pause; smiles]'' Thanks for the laughs. ''[chuckles]'' "Mr. Ward." :''[Jimmy laughs and starts to walk out, but stops. He and Howard are seen suited up with boxing gloves as they begin their fight. They both land a few punches on each other, but Howard eventually knocks Jimmy down]'' :'''Howard''': ''[to Jimmy]'' You've mistaken my kindness for weakness. I like to think that tonight made a difference. I like to think that this ends it. ''[pause; shakes his head]'' Probably not. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jimmy''': I should've left Howard standing there like a yutz. Instead I let him suck me into his game. Why did I do that? :'''Kim''': You had your reasons. :'''Jimmy''': I did? Like what? :'''Kim''': Because... you know. :'''Jimmy''': I know...? :'''Kim''': ''[holds Jimmy's hand]'' You know what's coming next. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lalo has travelled to Germany using an alias, and meets Margarethe, Werner's widow, at a bar]'' :'''Margarethe''': I knew his work was dangerous. I never imagined such a thing, but... I suppose I try not to. :'''Lalo''': That is terrible. What kind of accident was it? :'''Margarethe''': A cave-in. :'''Lalo''': Cave-in? :'''Margarethe''': He was able to save his men. He got them out, but then... the structure collapsed. :'''Lalo''': So your husband was a hero. :'''Margarethe''': ''[smiles]'' He would never accept that. My Werner was too humble. :'''Lalo''': ...And what were they building there? :'''Margarethe''': My husband didn't talk much about his work. It was very secretive. :'''Lalo''': Oh... I'm sure he must have told you something. :'''Margarethe''': The lawyers came to my house. I asked questions, they wouldn't say much. :'''Lalo''': ''[shakes his head]'' Lawyers. :'''Margarethe''': They went through Werner's things. Took anything that they called, uh... Oh, how do you say it? ''[pause]'' Proprietary? I'm sorry, my English is— :'''Lalo''': Oh, it's excellent. :'''Margarethe''': I didn't care about it. All the boxes of folders, his papers. Why do I need all that stuff? :'''Lalo''': And what about your husband's men? I mean, they must have said something to you. :'''Margarethe''': Werner loved ''deine jungs''—his boys—but I never even met them. :'''Lalo''': What do you mean? Not even at the funeral? :'''Margarethe''': You'd think they would want to pay respect to the man who saved their lives. They sent flowers, keepsakes, and so on... but not one of them showed his face. :'''Lalo''': Wow. That is... ''[sighs]'' It's just not right. === ''[[w:Axe and Grind | Axe and Grind]]'' [6.06] === :''[Casper, one of Werner's former workers, spots Lalo approaching his home while chopping wood]'' :'''Lalo''': ''Guten tag!'' :'''Casper''': ''Guten tag.'' ''[in German]'' This is private property. Who are you looking for? Are you lost? :'''Lalo''': ''[in English]'' Yeah, sorry. I don't speak any German! :'''Casper''': ''[in English]'' Are you lost? :'''Lalo''': It's a beautiful place you have here. The air, it's just so... ''fresh!'' :'''Casper''': ...Do I know you? :'''Lalo''': Well, I don't think we've ''officially'' met- :''[Casper grabs his axe and runs inside a nearby wooden shed while Lalo draws his gun. Lalo searches when he's suddenly dropped by a blow from Casper]'' :'''Casper''': Who are you?! '''''Who are you?!''''' :'''Lalo''': ''[strained]'' Ed-Eduardo... Salamanca! I'm not here for you... This is about Fring. Guh- I want to know... I want to know what he's building. :'''Casper''': How did you find me? :'''Lalo''': Ma- Marga... M-Margarethe Z-Ziegler. :'''Casper''': What have you done to her?! :'''Lalo''': Nothing, nothing. You sent her a gi- a gift. ''[pulls out a business card and shows it to Casper]'' :'''Casper''': ''Was ist das?'' :''[Lalo's hidden a razor blade behind the card. He springs up and cuts Casper's face, then grabs his axe and cuts his foot off]'' :'''Lalo''': ''[cheerfully] Carajo!'' I think you broke one of my ribs! ''[tosses Casper his belt]'' Here. Tie that off... before you bleed to death. ''You and I are gonna have a '''talk.''''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jimmy''': Holy shit! The Jackson Mercer Foundation, that's like... the good housekeeping seal of approval. :'''Kim''': Well, it's not a done deal. Some of the foundation board members are flying in next week to meet the lieutenant governor at a luncheon in Santa Fe, so... they are inviting a select group of people with... Cliff called them, "up-and-coming organizations," and uh... Yeah. Cliff thinks I have a good shot. :'''Jimmy''': A good shot? You have more than a shot! They are gonna love you on sight! :'''Kim''': The only thing is the lunch is on D-Day. :'''Jimmy''': So, what? That's—You don't have to be there on the day! Was Eisenhower on Omaha Beach? No. Kim, this is great, right? It's ''huge!'' :'''Kim''': ...It is pretty great! ''[laughs]'' :'''Jimmy''': Kim, this is fantastic! ''[kisses Kim]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jimmy has Francesca call HHM and pose as a relative of a Sandpiper resident to get details about the upcoming mediation]'' :'''Jimmy''': What is the hold up? :'''Francesca''': I just... I don't know if I'm comfortable. Is this even legal? :'''Jimmy''': I'm sorry, which one of us went to law school? Because I can stand here and go through the ins and outs of what's quote-unquote legal with you, but we're on the clock. :'''Francesca''': I just don't— :'''Jimmy''': Francesca, let's get something straight, okay? We can't be holding a graduate seminar in constitutional law every time I give you something to do. :'''Francesca''': But I—I'm not sure if— :'''Jimmy''': You know what I'm paying you? It is above market. To whom much is given, much is expected! ''[takes out cell phone and starts dialing a number]'' :'''Francesca''': We're not gonna make a habit of this? :'''Jimmy''': Of course not! Absolutely not. No, no, no. ''[gives phone to Francesca]'' Put it on speaker and let me... ''[moves closer]'' :'''HHM Employee #1''': Hamlin Hamlin McGill. :'''Francesca''': Hi... there. I'm calling because my—my mother is... is—Well, I guess she's a—a client of yours. She lives in, uh, Sandpiper Assisted Living. :'''HHM Employee #1''': Sandpiper, of course. Let me transfer you. :'''Jimmy''': ''[to Francesca while she's on hold]'' It's just a phone call. :'''HHM Employee #2''': Good afternoon. Do you have a question about the Sandpiper case? :'''Francesca''': ''[waits for Jimmy to nod]'' Yes. My mother's out of the facility in Amarillo. Says she's supposed to call in to some meeting on Thursday? :'''HHM Employee #2''': Yes, you're talking about the mediation? :'''Francesca''': That's it. The thing is, she's lost her dial-in instructions. ''[sighs nervously]'' I'm just looking everywhere and can't find them. :'''HHM Employee #2''': I'd be happy to help you with that. It's very important to us that all the class members are fully looked in. What's your mother's name? :'''Francesca''': ''[Tells name mouthed by Jimmy]'' Uh, Marnie Stuber. ''[watches Jimmy form the letters as she spells aloud]'' That's–that's S-T-U-B-E-R. ''[sighs nervously again when Jimmy forces her to smile]'' Oh, bless your heart. She'll be so relieved! :'''HHM Employee #2''': Okay, it's very simple. The meeting is happening at our offices. So she just has to call the main line—the same number you called just now—press 7, and then enter the passcode. I can give that to you now. Do you have a pen? :'''Francesca''': Uh... ''[Jimmy quickly takes out a pen]'' Y–yeah, I'm ready. :'''HHM Employee #2''': Okay. It's 8-4-2-1-5-9. ''[Jimmy writes the numbers on his hand]'' :'''Francesca''': 8-4-2-1-5-9? :'''HHM Employee #2''': That's right. :'''Francesca''': Okay! Uh, thank you so much. Really appreciate it. :'''HHM Employee #2''': Of course, take care. :'''Jimmy''': ''[hangs up immediately]'' Was that so hard? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jimmy sees the real Rand Casimiro at a liquor store wearing a cast that was not shown in the fake photos he shot earlier. He bolts out of there and gets in his car before being seen by the judge.]'' :'''Jimmy''': FUCK! ''[bangs on steering wheel and chuckles nervously before dialing Kim on his cell phone]'' :''[Cut to Kim driving on the highway to Santa Fe.]'' :'''Kim''': "Ultimately, it's about equal justice, a system that works for everyone. A justice system that works for everyone, and what is more important than that?" ''[hears phone ringing and answers it]'' Hey, Jimmy. :'''Jimmy''': Flag on the play! You're not gonna believe this, but I just ran into Casimiro—the real one. :'''Kim''': Oh, God. :'''Jimmy''': Yeah, and before you ask, he didn't shave his mustache. ''He broke his arm.'' :'''Kim''': Are you serious? :'''Jimmy''': The guy has a giant cast on his left arm! And I checked all the pictures and you can see his arm in every single one of them! No cast, clear as day! :'''Kim''': Shit! SHIT! :'''Jimmy''': I KNOW! I '''KNOW!''' Uh... But, hey. Hey, hey, look at it this way: If I hadn't seen him... I mean, that would've really—that really could've sunk us. Right? So, we're gonna pull the plug and we are going to live to fight another day. :'''Kim''': ...What other day? :'''Jimmy''': Well, we'll figure it out. I promise, okay? So, just go. Just do your thing in Santa Fe, and we'll regroup when you get home tonight. ''[beat; Kim says nothing]'' Kim? Kim, you still there? :'''Kim''': Yes. :'''Jimmy''': Did you hear what I said? :'''Kim''': ''[pause]'' It happens today. :''[Kim quickly turns around and starts driving back to Albuquerque.]'' === ''[[w:Plan and Execution | Plan and Execution]]'' [6.07] === :''[An intern at HHM, Cary, drops soda cans when he sees Howard setting up the conference room for the Sandpiper mediation]'' :'''Cary''': Uh, excuse me, Mr. Hamlin! I-I was told I should restock the fridge before the meeting. :'''Howard''': No worries. Here, let me give you a hand. :'''Cary''': Thank you! :'''Howard''': Uh, you're... Gary? :'''Cary''': Cary! Anderson. :'''Howard''': Mm... of course. Cary. ''[sees Cary stocking the fridge with the dropped cans]'' Cary, what happens when you drop or shake a can of soda? :'''Cary''': ...Right. ''[mimes explosion]'' I'm sorry, I'm, uh... :'''Howard''': Here, let me show you a little trick. ''[picks up and spins a soda can]'' Something about the centrifugal force pulls the bubbles from the inside of the can, stops it from exploding. Don't want our clients to get a surprise now, do we? :'''Cary''': That works? :''[Howard opens the can without incident and takes a sip]'' :'''Cary''': Alright! :'''Howard''': You know who taught me that trick? ''[points at the picture of Chuck in the conference room]'' He used to do it. Had a habit - anytime he opened a can, almost unconsciously. I asked him about it once... just his way of being prepared for anything, accidental or otherwise. :'''Cary''': Um, I'm sorry, I'm... kinda new here. I- I have to ask, who is that? :'''Howard''': Charles McGill. The "M" in HHM. Greatest legal mind I ever knew. :'''Cary''': Wow! I hope someone says that about me someday. :'''Howard''': Well... maybe there are more important things. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Howard, Cliff, and the rest of the parties in the Sandpiper mediation are in the HHM conference room; Rand Casimiro is seated at the head of the table; Jimmy and Kim listen in on the meeting through a disposable cell phone in Saul Goodman's office]'' :'''Rand Casimiro:''' Hello. I know we're all anxious to get things started but you'll have to suffer through my traditional spiel, unfortunately. My name is Rand Casimiro, and I am your mediator for these proceedings. Now, I'm happy to be here. But at the end, hopefully all of you in the room and those listening from various locations ''won't'' be happy with me. And why do I say that? Because the best solutions mean compromise. It's compromise from both sides. That's my goal. But as my wife always says, compromising doesn't mean I'm right and she's wrong. ''[chuckles]'' So, let us move forward— :'''Howard:''' ''Hmph.'' :''[Everyone in the conference room turns to Howard]'' :'''Cliff:''' ...Howard? :'''Howard:''' I-I'm... Wow. ''[pause]'' I'm... I'm sorry. I don't think we can proceed with these negotiations today. :'''Rich:''' Why not? :'''Howard:''' Well, let's just say, circumstances beyond any of our control. :'''Rich:''' Well, I'm going to have to insist that you be more specific. :'''Howard:''' Well, our mediator here keeps using the word "compromise" when ''he'', in fact, is compromised. :'''Casimiro:''' I beg your pardon? :'''Howard:''' I think you heard me. :'''Cliff:''' Howard...? :'''Howard:''' You drive a silver Miata, correct? :'''Casimiro:''' I do. :'''Howard:''' And this morning, around 7 a.m., you walked across Trumbull Park in town? :'''Casimiro:''' No. :'''Howard:''' You didn't stop at the park this morning? :'''Casimiro:''' I didn't. I got to Albuquerque early, not at 7 a.m. And I didn't go to a park. :'''Howard:''' You sure? :'''Cliff:''' Howard, if the judge says he's sure, then I&ndash; :'''Casimiro:''' Of course I'm sure! If it matters, I arrived in town about ten, I stopped at a gas station, I went by a liquor store and bought a gift. I had a lunch salad and a very nice latté from the Flying Star on Menaul. I read ''[[w:Barron's_(newspaper)|Barron's]]''. Then came here. :'''Howard:''' ''Mmmm''. So you weren't in town to visit our mutual acquaintance, James Morgan McGill? Or maybe you know him as "Saul Goodman". :'''Casimiro:''' I don't know anyone by either of those names. :'''Howard:''' Okay. You want to go that way? ''[to his secretary]'' Julie, go to my desk, please. There's an envelope with photos. Bring it to me quickly. :'''Julie:''' Oh. Okay. ''[leaves]'' :'''Cliff:''' Howard, can we have a sidebar&ndash;? :'''Casimiro:''' I'm sorry. These photos &ndash; these are photos of me? :'''Howard:''' They show exactly what I'm describing. :'''Casimiro:''' You were following me? :'''Howard:''' I had a private investigator following Jimmy McGill. You were photographed receiving what I estimate to be a $20,000 payoff this morning in the park. :'''Rich:''' I-I'm sorry. I'm sorry. This is just&ndash; ''[sighs; to Howard]'' You recommended this judge as a mediator and we agreed. And now... ''Jimmy?'' Jimmy McGill &ndash; who originated this suit &ndash; is ''what?'' :'''Howard:''' A-admittedly, it all sounds a bit baroque. But when you see the photos, things will be clearer. :'''Casimiro:''' Well, I'm looking forward to that. :''[long pause; Julie enters the room with the envelope]'' :'''Julie:''' I have the pictures, Mr. Hamlin. :'''Howard:''' Thank you, Julie. ''[opens the envelope]'' And now, take a look. :''[Howard looks at the photos with Cliff, Schweikart, Casimiro, Irene and Julie looking behind him. Instead of an actor dressed as Casimiro as he had seen earlier, the photos show Jimmy sitting at a park bench exchanging a frisbee with the Sound Guy, dressed as a jogger]'' :'''Casimiro:''' ...Is that supposed to be ''me''? :'''Howard:''' I, uh... This is... This is not... Julie, you got the wrong envelope. :'''Julie:''' That was the only one on your desk. :'''Howard:''' Look again! :''[Julie leaves]'' :'''Howard:''' They-they've been switched. Somehow he switched them. :'''Cliff:''' Howard... :'''Howard:''' No. Jimmy &ndash; he snuck in somehow, and these are not the pictures I saw. :''[Howard turns to Erin, who notices that his pupils are now dilated]'' :'''Erin:''' Mr. Hamlin, are you all right? Your eyes... :'''Howard:''' ''[agitated]'' I am fine! This is all something that will be sorted out, I am confident! :''[Cliff rises and guides Howard out of his seat]'' :'''Cliff:''' I think a recess is in order. :'''Howard:''' Nobody move! Evidence has been tampered with! :'''Cliff:''' Now Howard, please! :''[Howard and Cliff leave the conference room. Everyone left behind is stunned silent]'' :'''Irene:''' ...Is this how these usually go? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cliff confronts Howard in his office after the fiasco in the conference room]'' :'''Howard:''' Cliff? Is that you? I'm not crazy, and I'm not on drugs. Please, come in. Now somehow, some way, that son of a bitch gave me something that dilated my pupils. I-I don't know what. But it's wearing off already, look. ''[gestures toward his eyes]'' :'''Cliff:''' You say that Jimmy McGill drugged you? How is that possible? :'''Howard:''' The-the photos. They were wet with... ''something''. :'''Cliff:''' The missing photos. :'''Howard:''' Yeah. My P.I., Genidowski, had to have been in on it. He-he must have shown me one set of photos and then switched them after I left the office. :'''Cliff:''' Howard... :'''Howard:''' Three weeks ago, Julie got a call from our detective agency. They wanted to update their contact info, so of course she changed the number in the system. But it turns out, it wasn't them. That was Jimmy. So when I needed an investigator to follow Jimmy, I called his fake number and his fake man. She just dialed the old number and, of course, got the actual agency. And, no surprise, no one by the name of Genidowski had ever worked there. I hired a con man. I got played. Every step of the way. I know what it sounds like, but you have to believe me. :'''Cliff:''' I... It doesn't matter. Rich went back to the previous offer. I'll give a recommend to the class that we take it. :'''Howard:''' No. No way. We do not let Jimmy win this. :'''Cliff:''' Why would Jimmy even do this? He's a profit participant! This means less money for him! :'''Howard:''' Because he's a child! He wants his money now! He begged me months ago to settle! You know what he does! :'''Cliff:''' Whatever the truth is, we'll never get back to where we were before mediation. We have to settle. :'''Howard:''' I'm lead attorney. And I won't sanction that decision. :'''Cliff:''' Then I'm obligated to go to the partners and explain everything I've seen &ndash; all of it. You think you're gonna be able to convince them it was all Jimmy McGill? :'''Howard:''' ...Okay then. We go to trial. Cliff, this case is incredibly strong. I put this thing in front of a jury, then everything will&ndash; :'''Cliff:''' I'm not thinking about you, Howard. I'm not thinking about Jimmy. I'm thinking about the time, the expense, the uncertainty. I'm thinking about our clients! :''[Howard bows his head in defeat.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lalo records a video message for Eladio while he's hiding in the sewers surveilling Gus' laundromat. The dialogue switches between Spanish and English.]'' :'''Lalo''': Don Eladio. Guess who? It's Lalo, I'm alive! ''[chuckles]'' I'm here in beautiful downtown Albuquerque. ''[pans the camera around his belongings]'' Been here... four nights? Now, you may be asking, "What am I doing down in this shithole?" Well, [[w:Axe and Grind|a little Croatian bird told me a secret]]. Eh, he put up a hell of a fight, but he told me. Look. ''[points the camera at his target, Lavanderia Brilliante]'' See that? Right there... Fring's secret. Now, I've been watching and Fring hides his guards very well, but they're there, dressed like laundry workers. ''[zooms in on one "worker"]'' See? That's one there. They're hiding guns under the uniforms, but I see. I have a pretty good idea of what I'm up against. ''[points the camera back at himself]'' I can tell you what's in there. A big hole where a German engineer, Werner Ziegler, designed the perfect place to hide the... ''[in English]'' "mother of all meth labs." ''[in Spanish]'' Well, that's my story. And Fring? Fring will have his story, a good one, and Bolsa will back him because he's an... ''[in English]'' "earner." ''[in Spanish]'' So tonight, I go in... kill all the guards and show you the proof. And then? You decide... ''Adios.'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jimmy and Kim are watching a movie in Kim's apartment when they hear a knock at the door. It's revealed to be Howard, disheveled and holding a bottle of Macallan scotch whisky.]'' :'''Howard:''' Can I come in? :'''Jimmy:''' Yeah. Come on. :'''Howard:''' Kim. :'''Kim:''' Howard. You doing okay? :'''Howard:''' I'm fine. Sorry to interrupt this, but I brought you a gift. :'''Jimmy:''' A gift? What's the occasion? :'''Howard:''' Your brother and I, we always had a meeting with Mr. Macallan after a big victory. Usually some brilliant summation by Chuck, that goes without saying. So this, this is for you. You earned it. You won. :'''Jimmy:''' Won? Uh, what did I win? :'''Howard:''' ''[pause]'' I get it. Of course you both have to play it this way. You're both so very good at it. :'''Kim:''' It's late, Howard. Do you want to tell us what this is about? :'''Howard:''' I was wondering that too. ''[walks to the kitchen]'' What it's all about. I mean, what do you tell yourselves? What justification makes it okay? "Howard's such an asshole that he deserves it?" ''[offers two glasses to Jimmy and Kim]'' :'''Jimmy:''' We're good. :'''Howard:''' So, what is it? I sided with Chuck too often? ''[points to Kim]'' I took away your office, put you in doc review? All of the above? Howard's daddy helped him get to the top, but you both had to struggle. "Howie has so much and we have so little, let's take him down a peg or two." What allows you to do this to me? Because this isn't just a prank. No. This goes beyond [[w:Namaste (Better Call Saul)|throwing bowling balls on my car]]. This took planning, coordination. I mean, how many weeks? Or-or-or was it months? It couldn't have been easy. So tell me, why? Why go through this elaborate plot just to burn me to the ground? :'''Jimmy:''' "Burn you to the ground?" Howard, come on. Y-you'll be fine. You always land on your feet. :'''Howard:''' Yeah, sure. The Sandpiper settlement—HHM's share will be substantial, absolutely. Even though I humiliated myself. And my clients and peers will whisper that Howard Hamlin's a drug addict. You're right. I've worked my way through worse. Debt. Depression. My marriage falling apart. :''[Jimmy blinks in surprise. He and Kim exchange looks]'' :'''Howard:''' Oh, yeah. Been sleeping in the guest house for the better part of a year. Just one more thing that good ol' Howard has to work through. But yes, I will land on my feet. I will be okay. But you? Far from it. You two... you two are soulless. Jimmy, you can't help yourself. Chuck knew it. You were ''born'' that way. ''[to Kim]'' But you—one of the smartest and most promising human beings I've ever known, and ''this'' is the life you choose. :'''Jimmy:''' Alright, you're too tight to drive, I'm calling a cab— :'''Howard:''' Oh good, phony compassion. And you know what? Very, very believable. But I'm far from done. :'''Kim:''' Oh no no no. You are done, Howard. Sorry, but you need to stop this now and you need to go home. :'''Howard:''' You're perfect for each other. You have a piece missing. I-I-I thought you did it for the money, but it-it—Now it's so clear. Screw the money, you did it for fun! You get off on it! You're like [[w:Leopold and Loeb|Leopold and Loeb]], two sociopaths— :'''Jimmy:''' Alright, that's enough. :'''Howard:''' Oh, you know it's true, you just don't have the guts to admit it. :'''Kim:''' Great. Now you need to go. :'''Howard:''' I'm gonna make it clear to everyone, because I'm going to dedicate my life to making sure that everybody knows the truth. Believe it. You can't hide who you really are forever. :''[Jimmy reflexively shields Kim as Lalo Salamanca enters the room; Jimmy is stunned]'' :'''Jimmy:''' How... :''[Howard turns around and see Lalo, who non-chalantly stands next to him]'' :'''Kim:''' H-Howard... Howard. Howard, you need to leave. :'''Howard:''' ''[to Lalo]'' Who are you? :'''Lalo:''' Me? Nobody. I just need to talk to my lawyers. :'''Howard:''' ''[scoffs]'' Oh, is that right? You want some advice? Find better lawyers. :'''Kim:''' Howard, please j-just... just... just turn around— :'''Lalo:''' No, no, no, no, no. Take your time. :'''Howard:''' ''[to Kim]'' What's this about? :''[Lalo calmly takes a pistol out of his pocket and screws a silencer onto the muzzle]'' :'''Kim:''' ''[to Lalo]'' Please... please, just tell us what you want. :'''Lalo:''' ''[shrugs]'' Like I said. To talk. :'''Howard:''' I, uh... I think I'm in the middle of something, uh... There's really no need to— :''[Lalo puts the gun to Howard's head and pulls the trigger; Howard falls onto the floor, killed instantly. Jimmy and Kim scream.]'' :'''Kim:''' ''Oh my God!'' :'''Jimmy:''' ''Please, no!'' :'''Kim:''' ''Oh my God!'' :'''Jimmy:''' ''No! No!'' :'''Lalo:''' ''[holds out his hand to quiet them down]'' ''Shhhh, shhhh, shhhh, shhhh, shhhh.'' Okay. Let's talk. === ''[[w:Point and Shoot (Better Call Saul) | Point and Shoot]]'' [6.08] === :''[Jimmy and Kim are cowering in terror when Lalo forces them to sit on their couch]'' :'''Jimmy''': I never turned on you. I didn't. I only worked for you in the desert. I was on your side the whole time. :'''Lalo''': Shhh. ''[motions for Jimmy to sit down with his gun]'' I don't care. You two... ''[chuckles; shakes his head]'' God, you two and your mouths! ''Dios mío!'' Now, ''you listen.'' ''[tosses car keys to Jimmy]'' My car's downstairs. Press the clicker, and you'll find it. This... ''[holds up small piece of paper]'' is where you are going. Don't speed, don't weave, don't cut anyone off. Just, you know, drive nice. From here, ''[checks watch]'' at this hour... I'd take 40 east, get off at Carlisle, take the third left. The rest I drew a little map for you on the back. It's not hard. So... big white brick house with a solid black door. You can't miss it. It's right at the end of the T. Park a little down the street and not up front. It's a quiet neighborhood, so you'll have plenty of options. Stating the obvious here maybe, but... turn the car off, right? So, in the glove compartment, I left you a present. There's a camera and there's a gun. And you're gonna need both. :'''Jimmy''': A gun? :'''Lalo''': Yeah, yeah, yeah. But don't worry. I mean, it's–it's easy. It's a revolver. It's already loaded, no safety—it's idiot proof. So, you go up to that house, you walk right up to that black door. Don't run. Just be casual like a stroll, you know? Keep the gun somewhere behind you where they can't see it. You ring the bell, you count to three, you step back. They look through the peephole, you're as innocent as can be. Door opens, you point... and you shoot. And you keep on pulling that trigger until it's empty. ''[pause]'' Simple. :'''Jimmy''': You–you want me to—?! :'''Lalo''': I know, I know. ''[casually nudges Howard's dead body with his foot]'' You're a lawyer, and you're not a killer. But look, you can do this, okay? This guy, he's a housecat! Black, medium height, short hair, glasses! He kinda looks like a librarian... but don't be fooled. Even a housecat can scratch. So, that's it. Hard part's over. Now, you pull out the camera. Same principle as the gun: Point and shoot. Take a picture. One where I can see the face ''clearly''... and then you bring it back here where, me and Mrs. Goodman will be waiting for you. And then you're done! I'd say it's about a twenty minute drive over there... ''[Jimmy looks nervously at Kim]'' twenty minutes back. Maybe ten minutes to do the job. Let's go with an hour altogether. So, you're back here in an hour, or— :''[Jimmy forcibly turns on the Saul Goodman charm]'' :'''Jimmy''': Send her. :'''Kim''': ...What?! :'''Jimmy''': She should do it. :'''Kim''': Jimmy... :'''Lalo''': ''[pause]'' Why her? :'''Kim''': ''[whispers to Jimmy]'' Don't do this. :'''Jimmy''': This guy, the–the housecat. :'''Kim''': Jimmy, please. :'''Jimmy''': He looks through his peephole... :'''Kim''': ''Please.'' :'''Jimmy''': ...in the middle of the night, and he sees me? "Who's this asshole? What's he doing?" Maybe–maybe he gets ''his'' gun, maybe he calls the cops. Either way, that door stays shut. But he sees a woman... :'''Kim''': No. :'''Jimmy''': ...she looks like she's in distress. Maybe her car broke down. ''[chuckles]'' I mean, you'd open the door for her, wouldn't you? :'''Kim''': Stop! Stop! :'''Lalo''': Yeah, but... she's really clever. I don't know if she's gonna stick to the plan. :'''Jimmy''': She will. :'''Kim''': No, no, no. :'''Jimmy''': No cops. You know she will. :'''Kim''': No. No, this... This doesn't even make any sense! I–I–I've never shot a gun before! I've never even held one! :'''Jimmy''': Like I have. :'''Kim''': Jimmy, what are you doing?! :'''Jimmy''': ''[to Lalo while pointing at Kim]'' You know she's the best choice. :'''Kim''': No, I'm not! I don't—I can't! I can't do it! :'''Jimmy''': ''[to Lalo]'' She can do it. You know she can do it! :'''Kim''': No! Jimmy, I'll stay! Stop! Just stop! :'''Jimmy''': You know I'm right! Listen! :'''Kim''': Stop it! Shut up! :'''Jimmy''': Listen! :'''Kim''': SHUT UP! :'''Lalo''': ''[rolls his eyes]'' Oh, my God! Okay, fine! Yeah, heard! Whatever. Give her the keys, give her the address, let's go. ''[walks toward the front door]'' :'''Kim''': ''[to Jimmy]'' No. Don't... Don't. :'''Jimmy''': You... you gotta go. :'''Kim''': ''[softly]'' Don't do this. :'''Jimmy''': Come on. Hey... ''[whispering]'' Let's go. :''[Kim reluctantly gets up and is about to leave the apartment when Lalo stops her]'' :'''Lalo''': Hold on. ''[pause; Kim looks at him]'' You're gonna need your shoes, right? :''[Kim stares at Jimmy while she puts her shoes on]'' :'''Lalo''': There you go! Okay, ''[looks at watch]'' so one hour starting... now. Clock's ticking, Mrs. Goodman. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lalo ties Jimmy to a chair while interrogating him about the assassination attempt at his hacienda]'' :'''Lalo''': You know, after I saw you last, I went home. My home. ''Mi cielito lindo''... And you know what happened? Men came. Armed men, in the middle of the night. To my home. Trying to get to me. And you know what they did? They killed people I care about. They killed my cook. My gardener. A seventeen-year-old kid I knew since he was knee-high, never hurt a fly. Butchered my housekeeper, Yolanda. ''Una viejita, cabrón.'' They shot her in the back. :'''Jimmy''': ...I'm sorry. :'''Lalo''': Now, how did these men... get into my home? Do you know? :'''Jimmy''': I... I have–I have no idea. :'''Lalo''': Ignacio Varga. ''He'' let them in. And who did Ignacio introduce me to? ''[taps Jimmy's head]'' You. :'''Jimmy''': Ignacio... Nacho? ''[brief pause]'' Whoa, whoa, whoa! I–I barely know Ignacio! Whatever he did, he did alone! Not with me! Listen, you gotta believe me! Hand to God, I had no part in this—it wasn't me! ''It was '''Igna—''''' :''[Lalo sneaks up from behind and gags Jimmy with a rolled-up shirt]'' :'''Jimmy''': ''[through the gag]'' Ignacio! It's not me! Listen, listen! I–I don't know about... :'''Lalo''': Save it. ''[looks Jimmy in the eyes]'' I'm gonna come back. And then you... are gonna tell me ''the whole story.'' :''[Lalo presses play on the movie Jimmy and Kim were watching earlier and turns up the volume. He picks up Jimmy's car keys by the front door.]'' :'''Lalo''': Ford Taurus... taupe? ''[rolls eyes and shakes his head before leaving the apartment]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mike disarms Kim and forces her inside Gus' house before she can shoot. Gus watches Mike question her through surveillance monitors at his neighbors' residence.]'' :'''Kim''': What are you doing?! I–I have to go! I have to—No, wait! :'''Mike''': Ms. Wexler, I'd like you to sit down. :'''Kim''': He'll–He'll kill him! You have to... You— :'''Mike''': Now, sit there and be calm! :'''Kim''': No, I have to get back! ''I have to get back!'' :'''Mike''': ''[restrains Kim and forces her back down]'' Sit ''still''... and stay calm. Now, if you take a deep breath—a ''deep'' breath—nothing's gonna happen here until you calm yourself. Alright? Now, who is killing who? :'''Kim''': Lalo Salamanca! Lalo is going to kill Jimmy! ''[Mike looks shocked]'' He's there! He–he is there with Jimmy now! :'''Mike''': Salamanca is at your apartment?! :'''Kim''': Yes! He sent ''me!'' He–he wanted to send Jimmy, but then he sent me. :'''Mike''': To do what exactly?! ''[pause; Kim hyperventilates]'' Ms. Wexler, you stay with me! What were you supposed to do here? :'''Kim''': ''[beat; points at a man who looks identical to Gus]'' Shoot him. I'm–I'm supposed to shoot him, and then take a photo, and then get back. That's it. I only have twenty minutes left! Please! ''[Mike quickly looks and nods at one of his guys]'' He is ''alone'' with him! :'''Mike''': Alright, stay put. We'll handle this. We ''will'' handle this. ''[to Victor]'' You call Tyrus. Get him to the condo ''now.'' :'''Kim''': You said you were watching us! WHERE WERE YOU?! HUH?! ''[Mike leaves]'' '''WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?!''' :''[Kim tries to get up, but Victor stands in her way and forces her to sit down again]'' :'''Victor''': You heard what the man said. :''[Mike walks through the corridor connecting the two homes and reports to Gus.]'' :'''Mike''': You heard all that? ''[Gus nods]'' Alright. You hunker down here. ''[to two bodyguards]'' You two, you stay with him. A dog barks too loud, you are on the phone with me. ''[to Arthur and Tyrus]'' You two, come with me. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After growing restless over Lalo's whereabouts, Gus calls Victor and asks him to speak to Kim about Lalo]'' :'''Gus''': Why did Lalo send you? :'''Kim''': Who is this? :'''Victor''': Answer him. ''[points behind him]'' :'''Kim''': ''[pause]'' He didn't want to send me. Not at first. He wanted to send my husband... but my husband talked him out of it because he wanted to get me out of there. :'''Gus''': He... talked Lalo out of it? :'''Kim''': That's right. ''[pause]'' Now that I've told you everything I know, please tell me. Tell me who— :''[Gus hangs up the phone and looks at his bodyguards]'' :'''Gus''': Come with me. Both of you. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lalo records another video message for Don Eladio while holding Gus at gunpoint at the laundromat. The dialogue is in Spanish.]'' :'''Lalo:''' Don Eladio, look who we have here. The one and only Gustavo Fring. ''[chuckles]'' And wearing body armor! Too bad they don't make armor for your head, eh? Now we're gonna take a little walk and show you around. ''Vamanos''. ''[clicks tongue]'' Don, I would've liked it if we didn't have to rush this so much. We could sit by your pool... strip this snake's skin off, inch by inch. Take our time, have some fun. But he shows up now... who am I to look a gift horse in the mouth? :''[Gus stops in front of a large washing machine.]'' :'''Lalo:''' A big machine hides a big secret. We have about... thirteen minutes until his bald ''gringo'' gets here with the cavalry, so Gustavo is going to have to give us the nickel tour. ''[beat; shoots Gus in the chest]'' Like I was saying, Gustavo is going to show us around. :''[Gus walks around and pushes a button, which opens the secret passage to the underground meth lab]'' :'''Lalo:''' ''Ha!'' Magnificent! I had a bathtub that did this, but... credit where credit is due, this is better. ''[laughs]'' ''Hijo de puta''. :''[Gus leads Lalo down a ladder and turns on the lights]'' :'''Lalo:''' ''[chuckles; in English]'' Okay. Drumroll, please. ''D-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r''... Ta-da! ''[laughs]'' ''Cadenza de wow'', no? ''[in Spanish]'' Don Eladio, I've heard some stories about this place. It took a bunch of German engineers ten months to build all of this. They used two hundred pounds of high explosive. Dug out 120,000 cubic meters of dirt and rock. And all... without disturbing the laundry up there. In the middle of a city with a million people! That's pretty badass, right? :''[Gus trips and falls to the ground when Lalo pushes his pistol against his back]'' :'''Lalo''': One moment, Don. ''[puts the camcorder between his teeth as he switches the magazines of his pistol]'' Think of the laboratory you could put here, Don Eladio. ''Eh?'' How much meth you could make... that was his plan. Cut you out to become boss. And now here we are, in this big hole! ''[cackles]'' Gustavo thought he was building an empire, but all he built himself was a tomb. :'''Gus:''' You can't kill me. :'''Lalo:''' Why not? :'''Gus:''' I haven't told that fat pig Eladio what I think of him yet. :'''Lalo:''' ''Hoo-hoo!'' Perfect! You've got one minute. :'''Gus:''' Eladio... you greasy, bloated pimp. You talk of honor. But you have none. A pack of stray dogs fighting for scraps has more honor. Jackals. That's all you are! No vision. No patience. No thought. Stupid and impulsive! That is how I did all this. You couldn't see it, couldn't even conceive of it. And you Salamancas... you're the worst vermin of all. You say you believe in "blood for blood" but you only understand blood for money! You're whores! ''[in English]'' I understand blood for blood. Hector? Yeah, I kept him alive. Kept him broken. I will save him to the last. Before he dies, he will know... '''''I''' buried every one of you.'' :'''Lalo:''' ''[sniggers]'' Big talk. You done? :'''Gus:''' No. Not yet. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jimmy:''' Lalo said he was coming back. :'''Mike:''' He's not coming. :'''Jimmy:''' No, he said he was, he told me— :'''Mike:''' You understand me? He is ''not coming back.'' Let's sit. ''[pause; Jimmy and Kim remain standing]'' '''''SIT.''''' :''[Jimmy and Kim sit at the foot of their bed; Mike stands in front of them.]'' :'''Mike:''' Alright. Here's what's gonna happen: In a few days, Howard Hamlin's car will be found several states away by the water. The odometer will have rolled to the exact number of miles it took to get there. There will be cocaine in the upholstery. That was the story you were setting up for this guy, yeah? They'll call it a suicide, hoping the body will come washing up. It never will. At some point, you're gonna hear about it. Someone calls you, someone at the courthouse mentions it—the moment that happens—you call the cops. His car was here for hours last night. Good chance somebody noticed it. That means you are the last people to see him alive. Cops are gonna want to hear from you. You tell the cops you saw him—he came here, seemed like maybe he was chemically altered, didn't make a lick of sense. Then he left, that's all you know. You keep telling the lie you've been telling. Now, Ms. Wexler tells me she has court at ten. What's on your docket? ''[Jimmy doesn't answer]'' Hey. ''Listen.'' Where do you need to be? :'''Jimmy:''' Uh, office. At my office. Clients start showing up around 9:30. ''Oh'', my car is gone. :'''Mike:''' No. It's on the way home, you'll have it when you need it. So you two are going to go about your day—normal, same as ever. Today, you're Meryl Streep and Laurence Olivier. No staring into space, nothing out of the ordinary, you ''cover.'' Anybody talks to you, it's just another day that ends in Y, that's all. When you get home, we'll be gone and everything will be back the way it was. Now, I need to impress upon you: none of this ever happened. None of it. Understand? Say it out loud, I need to hear it. :'''Jimmy:''' ...I understand. :'''Kim:''' ...It never happened. === ''[[w:Fun and Games (Better Call Saul) | Fun and Games]]'' [6.09] === :'''Jimmy''': One day, we'll... We'll wake up, and brush our teeth, and we'll go to work. And at some point, we'll suddenly realize... [[w:Bad Choice Road | that we hadn't thought about it at all. None of it]]. ''[pause]'' And that's when we'll know. We'll know we can forget. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Gus meets with Don Eladio, Juan Bolsa, and the Salamancas late at night. The dialogue is in Spanish.]'' :'''Eladio''': Don Hector has made a very serious accusation. :''[One of the Cousins hands a letter to Don Juan]'' :'''Bolsa''': These are Don Hector's words. Dictated to Leonel and Marco, letter by letter. "The assault on my nephew's hacienda failed. Lalo fought the assassins and won. The day after the attack, Lalo called me. I heard the truth from his own lips. It was Fring who sent the mercenaries, not the Peruvians. We kept Lalo's survival a secret. My nephew was about to take his revenge on the traitor, face-to-face. Instead, he disappeared. It is the Chicken Man's doing. Don Eladio, look into Fring's eyes. There you will see the truth. The Chicken Man hates you. He is our enemy. He plots against us. I demand blood for blood." :''[Bolsa folds the letter and sits back down]'' :'''Eladio''': Well, Gustavo? :'''Gus''': ''[pause]'' I have no response. :'''Bolsa''': Gustavo, you must speak. Have you no defense? :'''Gus''': With all due respect, I don't believe this merits a response. :'''Eladio''': Did you witness these phone calls from Lalo? ''[Leonel and Marco shake their heads]'' I was told you saw Lalo's body. :'''Leonel''': Yes. :'''Marco''': It was burned. :'''Eladio''': Didn't the ''federales'' check the teeth? :'''Bolsa''': Yes, Don Eladio. My brother tells me the dental records matched. :'''Eladio''': And that rat, Varga... What did he say before he died? :'''Bolsa''': He said he was in the pay of the Peruvians, Los Odios. We know he took their money, we found bank statements. :'''Eladio''': ''[beat; looks at his watch]'' Well... It's late. Don Hector... Since you've come a long way, tonight you sleep in my bed. ''[Hector angrily rings his bell repeatedly in protest]'' No, I insist. No arguing. I'm giving you my room. Very comfortable. And who knows? Maybe a couple of the girls will come to visit! ''[pause; Hector continues ringing his bell]'' Please. ''[Leonel and Marco carry Hector by his wheelchair and leave]'' Good night, Hector. Sleep well. ''[to Gus]'' I'd invite you to stay as well, Gustavo, but... I don't want my breakfast ruined by all the... ''[mocks Hector ringing his bell and laughs]'' Ay-yay-yay. ''[beat]'' The peace must be kept. What do you suggest? :'''Gus''': I wouldn't presume. :'''Eladio''': The South Valley will stay Salamanca territory. And the rest of the North, that'll be for you to manage. Working under Bolsa. :'''Bolsa''': Thank you, Don Eladio. :'''Gus''': ''[rises with Eladio out of his chair]'' Thank you. Your trust means everything, Don Eladio. :'''Eladio''': ''Bueno.'' Gustavo... ''[long pause]'' When I looked into your eyes... Hate. A little bit's okay. As long as you never forget who's boss. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mike meets with Nacho's father outside his shop to let him know about Nacho's fate]'' :'''Manuel''': Who are you? :'''Mike''': It's not important. :'''Manuel''': I saw you here before. [[w:Cobbler (Better Call Saul)|Chrysler Fifth Avenue]]. What about my son? :'''Mike''': I'm sorry, he won't be found. ''[pause]'' It was over fast. No pain. :'''Manuel''': You were there? :'''Mike''': I was there. Your son made some mistakes, he fell in with bad people... but he was never like them. Not really. He had a good heart. One more thing: you won't have to worry about the Salamancas. Their day is coming. There'll be justice. :'''Manuel''': Justice? :'''Mike''': I'm sorry, my Spanish - j-''justicia.'' Justice. :'''Manuel''': ''[sighs]'' What you talk about... is not justice. What you talk of is... ''revenge.'' It never ends... my boy is gone. ''[scoffs, speaks in Spanish]'' You gangsters and your "justice." You're all the same. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jimmy and Kim approach Cliff and Howard's widow, Cheryl, at a memorial reception in the offices of HHM.]'' :'''Kim:''' Cliff. :'''Cliff:''' Kim, Jimmy. :'''Cheryl:''' Kim, hi. :''[Jimmy extends his hand to Cheryl; she doesn't take it]'' :'''Jimmy:''' Hi, Cheryl. I'm Jimmy McGill. You may not remember me. I'm Chuck McGill's brother. :'''Cheryl:''' Of course. :'''Jimmy:''' Very sorry for your loss. ''[sighs]'' :'''Kim:''' Cheryl, I'm so sorry. I can't even imagine what you must be going through. If Jimmy and I can do anything for you or your family, please just say the word. :''[Jimmy and Kim are about to walk away]'' :'''Cheryl:''' There is something, actually. You two were the last ones to see him, weren't you? :'''Kim:''' Um... :'''Jimmy:''' I guess so. Uh, that's what the police said. :'''Cheryl:''' Howard told me that you were harassing him, playing elaborate pranks of some sort. That you wouldn't leave him alone. :'''Jimmy:''' I know he thought that. He—he—he told me as well. Um, I think he honestly believed it. :'''Cheryl:''' But you're denying it. :'''Jimmy:''' ''[pauses]'' You know what, I didn't leave here under the best terms. The past few years, I could have been more considerate to Howard instead of yitzing him every chance I got. I guess, uh, there was a certain amount of jealousy on my part because Howard had the, uh, respect of my brother. Which I never did. ''[Jimmy steps away]'' :'''Cheryl:''' Tell me what you told the police. :'''Jimmy:''' ''[pauses]'' Okay, um... Well, I mean, it was 11pm. Howard started pounding on our door. He was very upset, going on about something, um, he thought was my fault, uh... Guess it had to do with the Sandpiper case. But I—I couldn't make head or tail out of it. We tried to calm him down. But... he just—he just wouldn't, um... Finally, he left. That's—that's it. :'''Cheryl:''' I'm not oblivious. I know people are saying he was on drugs. Is that what you're trying to tell me? :'''Jimmy:''' I just... He just didn't seem like himself. :'''Cheryl:''' ''[to Cliff]'' Are you hearing all of this? Because none of it makes sense to me. :'''Cliff:''' Cheryl, maybe we should just— :'''Cheryl:''' I don't care what people are saying. I don't care what the police think. Howard was not on drugs. That simply is not true. There's something more to this. :'''Kim:''' I don't know if it's my place, but... I—I... :'''Cheryl:''' Please. Just spit it out. ''[sharply inhales]'' :'''Kim:''' ''[sighs]'' It was about a year-and-a-half ago. I was still an associate here, working late on a brief. And I saw a light on in Howard's office. I assumed the cleaning crew left it on by mistake. And I was sure that office was empty, so I didn't knock. :'''Cheryl:''' ...And? :'''Kim:''' And Howard was there at his desk, head down. And he was snorting something. :'''Cheryl:''' ''[scoffs]'' :'''Kim:''' I looked at him. He looked at me. I didn't know what to do, so I just walked out. And the next morning, when we saw each other, neither of us ever said anything about it. I never told anyone. But now I wish I had. :''[Long pause]'' :'''Cheryl:''' ''[to Cliff]'' In all the years that you worked with him, have you witnessed anything like this? Even a hint? Cliff... :'''Cliff:''' I... Cheryl, this really isn't the time or the place. :''[Cheryl begins to cry]'' :'''Kim:''' Cheryl. You were his wife. You saw him every day. You knew him better than anyone. Maybe I misunderstood what I saw. You would have known. :'''Cheryl:''' ''[voice breaking]'' Please excuse me. :''[Cheryl retreats into a women's restroom]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kim and her client are sitting in a courtroom as the presiding judge, Gabriel Dearden, takes the bench]'' :'''Bailiff:''' All rise. Court is now in session, the Honorable Judge Dearden presiding. :'''Judge Dearden:''' Good afternoon. We are here to discuss a motion to exclude evidence in ''State of New Mexico vs. Yarborough''. :'''Kim:''' ''[rises]'' Your honor, if I may. I submitted an additional motion. I'm assuming you have not seen it yet. :'''Judge Dearden:''' Did we get that? :'''Secretary:''' It just came in, judge. :''[The secretary approaches the bench and hands the motion to Judge Dearden]'' :'''Kim:''' I apologize, it was a last-minute addition. :'''Judge Dearden:''' "Last minute" is right. ''[looking through the motion]'' :''[Pause]'' :'''Judge Dearden:''' ...Do I understand this correctly? You're requesting to withdraw from this case? :'''Kim:''' Yes, your honor. My client is fully informed. And I've already been in touch with another attorney, Paige Novick. She's highly qualified and familiar with the case. She's prepared to step if you'll allow it. :'''Judge Dearden:''' Ms. Wexler, Mr. Orenstein, approach the bench. :''[Kim and the prosecutor do so]'' :'''Judge Dearden:''' ''[to Kim]'' Ms. Wexler, we are here today at your insistence to consider your motion to exclude evidence. And this is the moment you choose to withdraw? :'''Kim:''' It was unavoidable. :'''Judge Dearden:''' May I ask why? :'''Kim:''' Personal reasons, your honor. :'''Judge Dearden:''' "Personal reasons." Are we talking about a health issue, something to do with a loved one? :'''Kim:''' No. :'''Judge Dearden:''' Would you rather discuss privately in chambers? :'''Kim:''' Thank you for the consideration, but no. :'''Judge Dearden:''' Would you care to supply any detail at all? :'''Kim:''' Your honor, I prefer not to. :'''Judge Dearden:''' ''[pause; to Orenstein]'' ...Mr. Orenstein, is the state prepared to discuss Ms. Wexler's motion? :'''Orenstein:''' We are, your honor. Absolutely. :'''Judge Dearden:''' You know what, Ms. Wexler? Mr. Orenstein's here. I'm here. We all showed up for your party, and now you're taking away the punch bowl. I'm inclined to have you argue your motion, then I'll consider later writing petitions. :'''Kim:''' I'm sorry for wasting the court's time, your honor, but it's impossible for me to continue with this hearing. :'''Judge Dearden:''' And why is that, Ms. Wexler? :'''Kim:''' Because I'm no longer an attorney. :'''Judge Dearden:''' ''[brief pause]'' ...I'm sorry, what? :'''Kim:''' I gave notice to the bar two hours ago. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jimmy arrives home after hearing the news that Kim has quit her legal career]'' :'''Jimmy:''' ''You did what?!'' Why?! ''WHY?!'' Alright, alright, I know why. But Kim, you can't just— :'''Kim:''' Jimmy, I— :'''Jimmy:''' ''Shhh!'' Just let me say my piece, okay? Just—Let's take a breath here! Kim, after everything that happened... I mean, Jesus! I get it! You want to climb out of your own skin! That's natural! But Kim, you don't just throw everything away! Th-th-this is your life! You're a lawyer! What about your clients, huh? What about, uh... that poor guy, Mr. Yarborough? What about the kid in foster care? Huh?! You give them everything you got! Who are they going to find who is half as good as you?! No one! They need you! :'''Kim:''' It's already done. :'''Jimmy:''' ''Ugh!'' ''[pause]'' Okay, what's done can be undone. All I'm saying is just—just let's take a week or two to think it over. For now, we're gonna take some time off. God knows we need it. We're gonna to find a new place, we're—we're gonna leave here. We're never, ever gonna come back here again. Okay? We're gonna—we're gonna put it behind us! Things will look brighter! I guarantee it! But first we have to fix this. So we're gonna go back to the hotel room, and you're gonna write letters. You're gonna write a letter to the bar, you're gonna write letters to your clients. You—you—you dictate, I will type. We're gonna roll this thing back. I'll order a pizza, we'll pull an all-nighter. Because we're in this together. Okay? So I'm gonna go get your—your printer, and then we're gonna get the hell out of here. :''[Jimmy turns to head into the bedroom]'' :'''Kim:''' Wait— Jimmy. Jimmy! :''[Jimmy enters the bedroom to discover half-full boxes and luggage everywhere]'' :'''Kim:''' You asked if you were bad for me. That's not it. We are bad for each other. :'''Jimmy:''' Kim. Don't do this. Kim, please. :'''Kim:''' Jimmy... ''[holding back tears]'' ...I have had the time of my life with you. But we are bad for everyone around us. Other people suffer because of us. Apart we're okay, but together we're poison. :'''Jimmy:''' ''[shakes his head]'' No, no. Just tell me what I need to do to change, okay? Just tell me what it is, and I'll do it. :'''Kim:''' Jimmy... :'''Jimmy:''' No, Kim. You make me happy. We make each other happy. How can that be bad? Hey... I love you. :'''Kim:''' I love you, too. ''[voice breaking]'' But so what? :'''Jimmy:''' No. No. No, Kim, you're wrong! ''This is about '''Howard!''''' Okay?! What happened to him wasn't on us! It wasn't your fault! It wasn't ''my'' fault! It was that ''fucking Lalo Salamanca!'' That psychopath came back from the dead and he walked through that door! He did this! Not us, ''him!'' :'''Kim:''' I knew. :'''Jimmy:''' You knew wh-what? :'''Kim:''' I knew he was alive. :'''Jimmy:''' No, you didn't. :'''Kim:''' It was about a month ago. I saw that car following me again. And it turned out that Mike Ehrmantraut had guys watching both of us, watching for Lalo. :'''Jimmy:''' Mike... Mike told you that Lalo was alive? ''[Kim nods]'' And you didn't tell me? :'''Kim:''' ''[pause]'' Jimmy... I thought... I thought it was a one-in-a-million chance that he'd come for us. I thought he would be caught if he did. And I told myself I was protecting you. But that's not the truth. The reason I didn't tell you was because I knew what you'd do. :'''Jimmy:''' Wh-what would I do? :'''Kim:''' You'd—you'd blame yourself. You'd fear for me. You'd want us to run and hide until you were sure I was safe. You would pull the plug on the scam, and then... ''[pause]'' ...and then, we'd break up. And I didn't want that. Because I was having too much ''fun''. :''[Kim breaks down crying and returns to the bedroom to pack; Jimmy stands in the living room in silence]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Saul Goodman:''' Alright. [[w:Chicanery (Better Call Saul) | Let justice be done, though the heavens fall]]. === ''[[w:Nippy (Better Call Saul) | Nippy]]'' [6.10] === :''[Saul, now going by Gene Takavic, is confronted by Jeff after he unexpectedly shows up at his home]'' :'''Jeff''': Dude, what the fuck?! :'''Saul''': I know, it's awkward, right? But you don't have to call me Dad. Yet. :'''Jeff''': I don't know what this is about, but all I have to do is pick up the phone and it's "Bye-bye, Saul Goodman." :'''Saul''': Yeah, but you haven't picked up the phone yet, have ya? Or tried to strong-arm me for cash. And guess what? I know why. Because reward money—blackmail—that's not gonna tickle your pickle. I know what you really want. :'''Jeff''': Oh, yeah? What's that? :'''Saul''': You want in the game. :'''Jeff''': The game? What—what game? :'''Saul''': The ''game.'' The one you've been watching your entire life. You got your nose pressed up against the glass, peering in while the big boys play. :'''Jeff''': Speak English, man. What the hell are you talking about? :'''Saul''': ''The game.'' It's right there. You can see it, but you can't touch it yet. ''[pause]'' Cars, clothes. The cash, the ladies. It's about knowing all the angles, you know? Putting it all on the line and winning ''big.'' But here you are, Jeffy. Standing outside with the suckers, trying to pay off that cab, sweating the bills. You're getting older. It's—it's so close, but dammit you just can't get in! Until now. I can make it happen. :'''Jeff''': ''[beat]'' You? :'''Saul''': Saul Goodman. ''[pause]'' So, here's the deal. I will show you the game, and then we're done. :''[Jeff stares at Saul for another moment before smiling]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jeff runs around a maze in the outline of a mall. Saul, on a loudspeaker, shouts directions to him.]'' :'''Saul''': Go, go, go, go, go, go, go! One, Armani suits and run! Two, Air Jordan shoes for you! Three, linen shirts for free! Four, cashmere sweaters out the door! Five, Patagonias to survive! Six, swanky sweatsuits in the mix! HALT! :''[Jeff stops, breathing heavily.]'' :'''Jeff''': What?! :'''Saul''': That's too many, you gotta be precise! Just three of each. :'''Jeff''': Why? And why do I gotta run around like an asshole? :'''Saul''': I already told you! Three minutes, got it? That's our window! :'''Jeff''': Yeah, but why three minutes? :'''Saul''': Because at three minutes, that's when security sees you on the cameras and the cops haul your ass to jail, alright? So let's go. :':'''Jeff''': Wait, there's cameras? :'''Saul''': Sure there's cameras! They erase the tapes every seventy-two hours, so that's why you only take three of each, and only the pricey stuff. When the store opens the next morning, they won't even know they were robbed. By the time they do inventory, abra cadabra, no more Jeffy on the tape! Right, so, three items, three minutes... It's easy. Let's go. :''[Jeff walks back to the start of the maze.]'' :'''Saul''': How many of each? :'''Jeff''': Three... :'''Saul''': Pigs get fat, hogs get slaughtered! :'''Jeff''': I don't know... :'''Saul''': What don't you know? :'''Jeff''': Just, this whole thing, it seems crazy! :'''Saul''': Is this too hot for you?! Ju— You know what, just say so! You know what? Screw it. "Crazy?" I'll tell you what's crazy! [[w:Walter White (Breaking Bad) | Fifty-year-old high school chemistry teacher]] [[w:Breaking Bad | comes into my office. The guy is so broke, he can't pay his own mortgage. One year later, he's got a pile of cash as big as a Volkswagen.]] ''That's'' crazy. :'''Buddy''': I'll do it. :'''Jeff''': This sounds good to you? :'''Buddy''': I think it'll work. :'''Saul''': Well, look at you! Hey, you're young. You're probably, uh... Fast in the feet, huh? :'''Jeff''': Okay, I- I didn't say I wouldn't do it! I just... Had some questions about, like... Logistics. :'''Saul''': Are you in or out? :'''Jeff''': In. :'''Saul''': ''[sighs]'' Okay, back to one. ''[He speaks into the loudspeaker as Jeff sets himself up.]'' Check, test, one-two, one-two. Okay! And ready, set, action! :''[Jeff begins running.]'' :'''Saul''': Move, move, move! Pick up the pace! Go, go, go! One, Armani suits and run! Two, Air Jordan shoes for you! Three, linen shirts for free! Four, cashmere sweaters out the door! Five, Patagonias to survive! Six, swanky sweatsuits in the mix! Let's go, let's go, let's go! <hr width="50%"/> :''[On the night of the robbery, Saul watches Jeff through the mall cameras while one of the security guards, Frank, is eating a Cinnabon roll with his back facing the cameras.]'' :'''Saul''': How about that 44-21 win against the Cavs? :'''Frank''': Be still my heart. ''[laughs]'' :'''Saul''': Seventy-six yard pass to Reggie Ball, and–and never sacked once. :'''Frank''': Wow, you have got quite the memory. :'''Saul''': ...Yeah, well—I'll tell you what. I can remember every stitch of clothing I was wearing during that game, but ask me what I had for dinner and... ''[whistles]'' Clean slate. :'''Frank''': Tell me about it! ''[Saul checks his stopwatch, which is at two minutes and fifteen seconds]'' Well, I'll tell ya: If you're not passing the ball, that's what's gonna happen. ''[eats another bite]'' Mmm! :''[Eventually, Jeff runs with the last round of clothes when he slips and falls. Saul chokes on his coffee.]'' :'''Frank''': You okay? :'''Saul''': ''[coughs]'' Wrong pipe. :'''Frank''': Oh, okay. So, you think our guys are gonna move to the Big Ten like they're sayin'? :'''Saul''': ''[pause]'' Big Ten? :'''Frank''': Yeah, you know, maybe they're just chasing the almighty dollar if you ask me. I mean, both powerhouses of course. But, you know what? You got Oklahoma and Texas over here. But Michigan, Ohio State over there! ''[Saul looks nervously at the cameras]'' I... I don't know. Guess I like tradition. ''[chuckles; sighs as he takes yet another bite]'' So good. Just amazing. Wow. :''[After Saul realizes Jeff is out cold, he fakes a nervous breakdown to distract Frank]'' :'''Saul''': God, what am I doing? :'''Frank''': What? :'''Saul''': ''[cries out again as Frank turns his head towards the cameras]'' Look at me! Wha—I don't know what... ''[sobs]'' Oh, Jesus! :'''Frank''': Gene? :'''Saul''': Oh, God. You... you have a wife, right, Frank? :'''Frank''': Yeah. :'''Saul''': Yeah? :'''Frank''': Yeah. :'''Saul''': She's waiting for you? ''[Frank nods]'' Look at me. I got... I got no one. My parents are dead. [[w:Chuck McGill | My brother]]... ''[beat; looks down]'' My brother is dead. I, uh... I don't have a wife. No kids, no friends. If I die tonight, no one would care. What difference would it make? :''[Saul looks up again and notices Jeff slowly getting himself up]'' :'''Frank''': Gene, buddy... I—I'm sure you mean a lot to... to a lot of—lots of people. ''[turns his head around again]'' :'''Saul''': ''[slams fist on table]'' If I die tonight, my landlord would pack up my stuff. It'd take him three hours. And Cinnabon would just hire a new manager. Gene who?! Poof, I'd be gone! I'd be... a–a ghost. No, not a ghost. I'd be a... a shadow. I'd just mean ''nothing.'' I mean, Frank... What's the ''point'', Frank? What's the... :''[Saul sees Jeff put away the clothes in the box. He groans as he watches Jeff run out of the warehouse, then claps when he's out of sight]'' :'''Saul''': ''[sighs]'' I'm sorry. You didn't need to hear that. :'''Frank''': No, no, no. That's–that's okay. No, that is okay. Everybody has bad days. :'''Saul''': You've felt like this? :'''Frank''': ...No. I mean, not me, but... people. I think a lot of people. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Saul''': You guys enjoying yourselves? Well, hold on to that feeling, 'cause this is it. :'''Jeff''': Yeah, we know. :'''Saul''': Well, in case you forget, you transported stolen goods with a value exceeding $5,000. And the truck you used to do it was rented in Council Bluffs across state lines. :'''Jeff''': You told us to rent the truck over there, so— :'''Saul''': ''[motions for Jeff to stop talking]'' Theft from an interstate shipment, up to ten years. Transportation of stolen goods, another ten years. Sale of stolen goods, ten years. Conspiracy to commit a federal crime— :'''Buddy''': Whoa, hold on. Conspiracy? It was your idea. :'''Saul''': Yeah. It's called mutually assured destruction, so... if I go down, you go down. :'''Jeff''': Man, you don't have to threaten us. We're all friends here. :'''Saul''': I am not your friend. And if you get greedy, and you decide to come back for more, ''don't.'' Gene Takavic, you've never heard of him. Cottonwood Mall, you don't go there. You see me comin', you cross to the other side of the street. :'''Jeff''': Dude. :'''Saul''': Now, I need you to say it. We're done. :'''Jeff''': ''[pause; laughs]'' Come on! :'''Saul''': Say it. ''We're done. '''Say it.''''' :'''Jeff''': ''[beat; looks at his friend briefly]'' We're done. :'''Buddy''': ''[pause]'' We're–we're done. === ''[[w:Breaking Bad (Better Call Saul) | Breaking Bad]]'' [6.11] === :''[Saul, with his limbs duct-taped and a bag over his head, lies on the floor of an RV.]'' :'''Saul''': Guys, c'mon. Talk to me! ''Habla, por favor! Yo soy abogado! Abogado, abogado!'' Aw-- Crap! You already knew that! Jesus, fellas, there's a better way to do this! Hello? Oh-- Why- Wha-- Why are we going off-road? Oh! Whoa! Whatever this is, can we please don't do it in the desert? ''Anywhere but the desert!'' Oh-- Oh, God, I'm gonna be sick... :''[The RV stops and two masked men walk up, cutting the tape at Saul's legs and forcing him upright.]'' :'''Saul:''' Alright, fellas... This-- we can-- We can fix this! Whatever the ''problemo'', we can fix it with ''dinero. Mucho dinero! Mucho, mucho, mucho dinero!'' C'mon, please, one of you just, just-- You talk, ''habla!'' C'mon, b-before mistakes are made! C'mon, talk to me, guys, huh? :''[The RV door closes to reveal [[w:Pilot_(Breaking_Bad)| five bullet holes covered with duct tape.]]]'' :'''Saul:''' C'mon, just tell me what you want! Jeez... :''[The bag is taken off Saul's head to reveal an open grave in the middle of the desert]'' :'''Saul:''' Oh! Oh, no, no, no, no, no! No! [[w:Better Call Saul (Breaking Bad)| It wasn't me! It was Ignacio, he's the one!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Francesca answers a payphone at an abandoned convenience store outside of Albuquerque. On the other end of the line is Saul, calling from a phone booth outside a diner in rural Nebraska under his Gene Takavic alias.]'' :'''Francesca''': Yeah. :'''Saul''': Oh, good. You're there. Great. Great. Unencumbered by curious eyes and ears, I'm guessing? :'''Francesca''': Wouldn't have picked up otherwise. :'''Saul''': Right. Excellent. Um, okay. Well then... Lay it on me. :'''Francesca''': First things first. :'''Saul''': No, I believe we agreed after. :'''Francesca''': I'm hanging up. :'''Saul''': Okay, okay then! Jeez! I... Okay, if you're facing the phone, turn right ninety degrees and, uh, walk straight. You'll see some pieces of broken concrete in the dirt. Just pull back the one that's kinda shaped like New Jersey. :'''Francesca''': New Jersey? :'''Saul''': Alfred Hitchcock in a fez, whatever. Just pull that one back, and you'll see a, um, soda can tap. It's got a fishing line tied to it. Follow that line, it'll take you to an old water line, and just keep pulling the string and you'll get what I promised. :''[Francesca leaves the phone off the hook and follows Saul's instructions. She soon retrieves a pouch containing three bundles of cash, amounting to several thousand dollars. She returns to the payhone.]'' :'''Francesca''': Okay. :'''Saul''': Great. Was it all there? I mean, the rats didn't eat it or anything? :'''Francesca''': It's all here. :'''Saul''': ''[exhales]'' Okay. Well, uh, tell me... how hot. :'''Francesca''': How hot? :'''Saul''': Yeah. :'''Francesca''': Well, I still get followed. Not as often as [[w:Ozymandias (Breaking Bad) | when the shit first hit the fan]], but I still see them. My mail gets opened. My phone at home clicks whenever I use it. :'''Saul''': So the maestro buying the farm didn't change anything? :'''Francesca''': No. If anything, it made it worse. [[w:Skyler White | Skyler White]] got her deal, so the only ones left to go after are you and Pinkman. And I heard [[w:El Camino: A Breaking Bad Movie | they found his car down by the border]], so adios dopehead. :'''Saul''': Oh, so they're still on to me. Well... Hey, what do you know about the nail salons? :'''Francesca''': Nail salons are gone. :'''Saul''': What? Gone? All of them? :'''Francesca''': Yup. :'''Saul''': What about the vending machines? :'''Francesca''': Gone. :'''Saul''': Jesus! Don't tell me, the laser tag... :'''Francesca''': Feds found it all, Saul. :'''Saul''': How?! It was shells within shells! Dammit! Dammit!! Okay... okay... Hey— oh. Let's say there was an overseas account, Antigua and Barbuda— :'''Francesca''': Tiger Fish Corporation? :'''Saul''': What? :'''Francesca''': Tiger Fish Corporation? 850K? I gave it to the feds. :'''Saul''': You did what? Why would you do that?! :''[An automated message tells Saul that his phone time has expired. He hurriedly puts more quarters into the payphone.]'' :'''Saul''': ''God dammit!'' :'''Francesca''': You—you put my name on the board of a fictional corporation. I had to give it up, I didn't really have a choice. And a heads-up would have been nice, by the way! :'''Saul''': So it's gone? It's all gone. Those sons of bitches took everything. :'''Francesca''': Except what you took with you, and I'm guessing that wasn't chump change. :'''Saul''': Yeah, well... :'''Francesca''': Well... Guess that's it. :'''Saul''': Wait, wait, wait! C'mon, I just put more quarters in! Can't you just... I don't know... give me the lowdown? :'''Francesca''': There's nothing else. :'''Saul''': Well, that's not true. After all this time? You know, come on. Just fill me in. Um... How's Kuby? :'''Francesca''': No idea. :'''Saul''': Alright, how about Huell? :'''Francesca''': Huell? I guess back home in New Orleans. DEA held him under false pretenses or something, so last I heard he walked. :'''Saul''': Good. Um, how about Danny? Or—or Ira? I mean, any word on those two guys? :'''Francesca''': They have Internet where you are? :'''Saul''': Well, just... C'mon, give me something. There's gotta be some news. :'''Francesca''': Remember Bill Oakley? He switched sides. :'''Saul''': He came out, huh? :'''Francesca''': No, he's not gay. He's a defense attorney now. :'''Saul''': Huh. Well, I mean... What about you? How are you doing? :'''Francesca''': ''[sarcastically]'' I'm just great. [[w:Rainier III, Prince of Monaco|Prince Rainier]] proposed. The private jet is taking us to the palace on Thursday. :'''Saul''': Yeah. Okay, well... I guess that's it, then. :''[Francesca mulls over what to tell Saul next.]'' :'''Francesca''': I did get one call, after everything went down. ''[pause]'' Kim. Checking in on me. :'''Saul''': No kidding? :'''Francesca''': ''Mm-hmm''. Your name came up. Asked if you were alive. :'''Saul''': She asked about me... ''[pause]'' What did you tell her? :'''Francesca''': Nothing. :'''Saul''': But she asked. :'''Francesca''': Yup. :'''Saul''': ''[long pause]'' ...Yeah, okay. Well, I guess this is goodbye— :''[Francesca hangs up without saying anything.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Saul goes inside the RV driven by the two masked men [[w:Better Call Saul (Breaking Bad)| who kidnapped him and brought him to the desert]]]'' :'''Saul''': What the hell is this? It's like [[w:James Whale|James Whale]]'s travelling roadshow in here. :''[Jesse Pinkman, a ski mask pulled up over his face, steps in behind him.]'' :'''[[w:Jesse Pinkman |Jesse]]''': Whatever the hell that is, Crystal Ship definitely travels. :''[Walt enters and shuts the door behind him, incredulous. Meanwhile, Saul explores the RV.]'' :'''[[w:Walter White (Breaking Bad) | Walter]]''': I'm sorry, you said the ''what'' travels? :'''Jesse''': Crystal Ship. What I call this thing. :'''Walter''': Alright, never mind, just... No details. We're paying him to do a job, let's just leave it at that. :'''Saul''': "No details?" Fellas, that–that money you put in my pocket, that doesn't just extend to this job. That can get you attorney-client privilege on—on all matters! :'''Walter''': ''No details.'' :'''Saul''': Look at this setup. I mean–What, you two driving around like Mr. Softee, scooping out drugs for all the good boys and girls? :'''Jesse''': No, we don't deal from here. :'''Walter''': I said no details! :'''Jesse''': Dude is standing in front of a meth lab, it's not like he ain't gonna put two and two together! :'''Walter''': He is on a need-to-know basis. :'''Jesse''': Uh, I didn't wanna show my face. Did he need to know that? :'''Saul''': So, you're not just distribution. You're the whole freakin' package. :''[Saul leans up against a table, considering Walt and Jesse before turning to the lab equipment.]'' :'''Saul''': You two actually make the blue stuff? ''[brief pause]'' Here?! ''[chuckles and picks up a flask]'' That's amazing! :'''Walter''': Can you not touch...? :'''Saul''': I mean, look at this! I had a fish that could've used this as a vacation home, but you're using it to make the goods, huh? :'''Jesse''': Yeah, it's a, um, round-bottom flask. ''[turns to Walt]'' Right? Round-bottom? ''[Walt grimaces and says nothing]'' It's a flask for distilling. :'''Walter''': It won't be if you break it. Now please, put it down. :'''Saul''': Oh. ''[clears his throat]'' Okay, so if you cook the blue stuff... ''[to Jesse]'' that means you're Igor and— ''[to Walt]'' and that makes you... You're Heisenberg. Wow. Hey, tell me, how-how much product can you churn out with a setup like this? :'''Walter''': Alright, we're done. We're done with the questions. ''We'' ask the questions. You have ''a'' job—''one'' job—and I still don't understand how you're gonna pull it off. :'''Saul''': Listen, when I get all my ducks in a row, I'll give you a PowerPoint down at the office. But until then, just—just bring what we talked about, okay? And don't worry! I'm gonna make it work. :'''Walter''': I'm taking the eighty thousand as a starting point for negotiation. :'''Saul''': Take it any way you want. That's the price and, um... ''[clears throat again]'' I'm calling shotgun. ''[saunters up and plops down in the passenger's seat]'' :'''Walter''': ''[to Jesse, who attempts to take the driver's seat]'' I will drive. :'''Jesse''': Oh, yeah. Sure. I'll just... stand. I guess. ''[under his breath]'' Dick. :'''Saul''': At least you won't be rolling around like the last Christmas ham in the back of the delivery truck, you know? I—I've got bad knees. ''[to Walt]'' I think you might've messed up my rotator cuff. You're lucky I'm not charging you for my chiropractor, she's expensive. ''[to Jesse]'' But she adjusts ''everything.'' :''[Walt starts the RV, which immediately stalls out.]'' :'''Walter''': Dammit. :'''Jesse''': You gotta give it some ''gas'' when you're backing up. :'''Walter''': I gave it the proper amount of gas. :'''Jesse''': I guess that's why we're "moving", then. :'''Walter''': Look, it just was... idling too long. It'll start. :''[Walt attempts to turn over the ignition again and it sputters.]'' :'''Jesse''': Oh, you should've just let me drive, yo! :'''Walter''': Look, nothing would be different in this moment except you panicking and flooding the engine. :'''Jesse''': ''[scoffs]'' Bullshit. :'''Saul''': Look, fellas, I was enjoying the [[w:Laurel and Hardy|Laurel and Hardy]] vibe, but I'm not such a fan of [[w:The Bickersons|the Bickersons]]. Now, can you get me back to my office? I—I got work to do if you want me to make some magic. :'''Walter''': We just need to sit a moment, that's all. When it idles too long, the fuel pump overheats, and so we just need to let it cool down. :''[Walt takes the key out of the ignition, plunging the RV into darkness. Walt clears his own throat, which turns into a cough. A bit of blood spills onto his hand and he wipes it away, but Saul notices. He gives Walt a once-over and Walt responds with a glare of his own, which prompts Saul to turn his attention to the window.]'' :'''Jesse''': So... who's Lalo? :'''Saul''': ...Who? :'''Jesse''': Lalo. Thought some dude named Lalo sent us? You seemed pretty freaked out. Never heard of no Lalo on the street. :'''Saul''': ''[beat]'' It's nobody. ''[to Walt]'' Hey, are you gonna try that again? 'Cause... Or are they gonna find us, y'know, buried in a sandstorm a thousand years from now? Just, please. :''[Walt turns the key and the RV springs to life once again]'' :'''Jesse''': ''[sarcastically]'' Bravo. :'''Saul''': I second that! I'm gonna give you two free words of advice: Jiffy. Lube. :'''Walter''': Hold on. :''[They drive off out of the desert, leaving behind the hole that Walt and Jesse previously dug up.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Saul is lying on the floor with his feet in the Swing Master as Mike enters his office]'' :'''Saul:''' Ho, enter sunshine! Cast some light into my cool, dark world! :''[Mike doesn't say anything, sitting on the couch and looking at a newspaper crossword puzzle]'' :'''Saul:''' Hello? You're on the clock, right? So, get with the info any time. :'''Mike:''' When you're done. :'''Saul:''' No, I can multitask. Please. :'''Mike:''' I'm not gonna talk to you while you're on... whatever ''that'' is. :'''Saul:''' You know, LBJ used to have his underlings give him reports while he was on the shitter. :'''Mike:''' ''Ah-hah.'' Well, either I'm gonna leave or I'm gonna put my foot in your skull. :'''Saul:''' ''[sighs]'' ...Fine. ''[gets up off the floor]'' You should try one of these. You walk like Frankenstein after he was probed by aliens. ''Ha!'' I can get you one. Would do wonders for your chi. ''[puts on his suit jacket and seats himself behind his desk]'' Let's go. Lay it on me. :''[Mike walks to the desk and hands Saul an envelope containing photos.]'' :'''Mike:''' Alright. First: there's your Mrs. Denise Gabbler. She's cheating, alright. :'''Saul:''' ''[whistles]'' Limber! ''Ha-ha!'' Well, at least I know they didn't spot you. No one could stay that aroused with your mug peeking through the window. ''[Mike stares at Saul, stone-faced; he doesn't respond]'' What else you got? :'''Mike:''' Well, next I followed your bus driver. Newsflash: He really does have a broken neck. :'''Saul:''' Fantastic. That makes my life much easier. Keep it coming. :'''Mike:''' Second-story guy out of Indianapolis, Lasky? Did a dime at Menard. Now, if you're looking for a tenor who will keep his mouth shut, you can trust him. I say he's worth keeping an eye on. :'''Saul:''' Second-story guy, second-story guy... I—I got more second-story guys in my book than pimples at a junior prom. That... ''[inhales]'' What about, uh, that Heisenberg fella? :'''Mike:''' High school chemistry teacher. :'''Saul:''' You're shittin' me, really? :'''Mike:''' Walter Hartwell White. Chemistry teacher over at J. P. Wynne. Working with a former student, current meth head, one Jesse Pinkman. :'''Saul:''' Wow... Uh, what else about the teacher? :'''Mike:''' He has lung cancer. :'''Saul:''' ''Jesus.'' That's why he can't quit with the coughing. How bad? :'''Mike:''' Stage 3A. He's in treatment, more tests to come. But it doesn't look good. Now listen, even if this guy was gonna live, I wouldn't go near him. He's a complete amateur. :'''Saul:''' Well, you see an amateur, I see 170 pounds of clay ready to be molded. :'''Mike:''' Well, if the cancer doesn't get him, it will be the cops or a bullet to the head. :'''Saul:''' Is that your appraisal, or is that what [[w:Gus Fring | He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named]] says about him? :'''Mike:''' He didn't say anything. The guy is small potatoes. :'''Saul:''' Yeah, okay. I hear ya. I just—I got a feeling about this. This Heisenberg guy's got something. It's top-of-the-line product, that's the buzz on the street. And I just think with the right management— :'''Mike:''' You know, years ago I bought a [[w:Betamax|Betamax]]. Good product, top of the line. Experts said it was better than a VHS. Turned out to be a complete waste of time and money. :'''Saul:''' ''Hm?'' :'''Mike:''' ''[sternly]'' Let it go. :'''Saul:''' ''[sighs]'' ...Guy with that mustache probably doesn't make a lot of good life choices. So yeah, the second-story guy. Menard, you said? :'''Mike:''' Yeah, right, right, right. Alright, part of a high-end crew fencing jewelry up into Canada. Now, Lasky kid caught a bad break. Cop was driving by just as he was ducking in a window. He did the time, no one else on his crew went down. Solid. :''[Saul stares off into space, not paying attention to what Mike is saying.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Saul learns that Jeff's friend, Buddy, bailed on one of their scams and confronts him in the garage behind Jeff's house.]'' :'''Saul''': You're kidding me! Absolutely kidding me! :'''Buddy''': I'm sorry, man. I couldn't do it. :'''Saul''': Do you know how much time, how much effort I put into finding the perfect mark?! I have to weed through all these saps who have wives and families at home! Find somebody who's alone, with money! And what—So you can just wimp out?! :'''Buddy''': The guy has cancer, man! I found pills in his pocket, okay? The same ones my dad took. For, like, pancreatic cancer. :'''Saul''': So a guy with cancer can't be an asshole? ''[chuckles]'' Believe me! I speak from experience! :'''Buddy''': I can't rip off a guy with cancer. I'm sorry. :'''Saul''': Do you know how many of the suckers we've ripped off had sob stories?! ''Every single one of them!'' Besides, it'll be ''months'' before they even realize they've been taken! This guy will already be dead! So please get back in your truck, go back to the house, and finish the job! :'''Buddy''': ''[beat]'' No, man. I can't do that! I can't! :'''Saul''': Alright, I get it! You'll get over it, okay? Please, believe me. Before you know it, you'll forget all about it. ''[softly]'' Go. :'''Buddy''': Look, we're doing really well, right? Hear me out, okay? I mean, we're rolling in cash! We can just let this one go! :'''Saul''': Not your call. :'''Buddy''': ''[sighs]'' Yeah, but I... I pulled the tape when I left! The door's locked! We couldn't get back in even if we wanted to! ''[Saul angrily slaps the top of Jeff's car]'' Jeff, come on, man! Back me up here! :'''Jeff''': Oh, well I... I don't know. I mean, I can see both sides kinda. :'''Saul''': You know what? Forget it, you're fired. Just go! Just give me the camera and go! :'''Buddy''': ''[hands Saul his camera]'' Fine. :'''Saul''': GOOD! Go, we don't need you! And I know I don't need to tell you this, but since you're such a goddamn amateur, I will anyway! Keep your mouth ''shut''. :''[Buddy gives Jeff one last glance before leaving the garage.]'' :'''Saul''': ''[to Jeff]'' If we're gonna do this, we should leave now. :'''Jeff''': ...We're really gonna go back there? :'''Saul''': What did I just say? Jeff, are you in or out?! === ''[[w:Waterworks (Better Call Saul) | Waterworks]]'' [6.12] === :'''Kim''': Kim Wexler. :'''Jimmy''': Hey! Kim Wexler... You know who this is? ''[beat; Kim is silent]'' I'm gonna take that as a "yes". Uh, that receptionist of yours, is she the type to listen in? :'''Kim''': No. :'''Jimmy''': Good! Okay! So... How's Florida been treating you? I'm catching you between hurricanes, I hope. ''[pause]'' Kim? You there? :'''Kim''': What do you want? :'''Jimmy''': No, I don't... I don't want anything, I just—It's been a while, y'know, I was just... I was thinking, it's been a while? And, uh... It might be nice to catch up! :'''Kim''': "Catch up?" :'''Jimmy''': Yeah, my mind was wandering this morning, just... Not thinking anything in particular, just random thoughts and—Bam, it suddenly occurred to me, it's been six years. I mean, Jesus. I—I couldn't believe it! ''[beat]'' I thought you might wanna... know I'm still alive. ''[pause]'' Yep. I'm still out here! Still getting away with it! Feds couldn't find their own ass with both hands and a proctologist. :'''Kim''': You shouldn't be calling me. :'''Jimmy''': Oh, hey! You're awake. :'''Kim''': You shouldn't be calling! :'''Jimmy''': Why not? What, am I tying up the line from important irrigation business? I mean, come on, Kim, say something. Hey, call me an asshole! Yell at me! Just—Let me know you still got a pulse. Just ''say'' something! :'''Kim''': You want me to say something? :'''Jimmy''': Yeah! :'''Kim''': You should turn yourself in. :'''Jimmy''': Do what? :'''Kim''': You heard me. I don't know what kind of life you've been living, but it can't be much. :'''Jimmy''': Said the pot to the kettle! What—That is—! That is really rich, you—''you'' preaching to ''me?!'' See, you have no idea what I did or didn't do, okay? A-And, and w—Why don't you turn ''your''self in? Seeing as how ''you're'' the one with the guilty conscience, huh? What i—What is stopping you, huh? Fring's in the ground. Mike's in the ground, Lalo's in the ground, apparently. You d—You don't have to hold back on my account! They can only hang me once, so what?! So go ahead! Spill your guts, put on your hair shirt, see what it gets you! Why are—Kim, why are we even talking about this? We're both too smart to throw our lives away for no reason, just... I just—I only wanted to... Kim—Kim...! Kim... :'''Kim''': I'm glad you're alive. ''[she hangs up]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cheryl Hamlin has just finished reading Kim's written confession, describing the events leading up to the night of Howard's death]'' :'''Cheryl''': ...Why? :'''Kim''': He was... in the wrong place at the wrong time. :'''Cheryl''': Where's his body? :'''Kim''': I don't know. :'''Cheryl''': And the police... will they search again? :'''Kim''': They'll search. I don't think they'll find him. Cheryl, he... It—It all happened in an instant, and he didn't—he didn't suffer. :'''Cheryl''': "He didn't suffer?" The lies you two made up, the picture you painted... That's all he is now! That's all ''anybody'' remembers! :'''Kim''': I wanna change that. :'''Cheryl''': What happens now? Will you be tried? Will you go to jail? :'''Kim''': I don't know. :'''Cheryl''': You're a lawyer, right? You're a... a ''great'' one, Howard said! How could you ''not know?'' :'''Kim''': Burnham Legal County has my affidavit. It's up to the district attorney whether to prosecute. And she may not. :'''Cheryl''': ''Why?'' :'''Kim''': There's no physical evidence. No remaining witnesses other than my ex-husband, assuming he's still alive. :'''Cheryl''': I could sue you in civil court, I could take everything you've got. :'''Kim''': Yeah. :'''Cheryl''': ...Why are you doing this? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kim stands outside Saul's office, attempting to light a cigarette. A man, who's revealed to be Jesse Pinkman, leans against a wall.]'' :'''Jesse''': Hey, yo... Can I bum one of those? :''[Kim pauses before offering him the cigarette. Jesse takes one and she lights it for him.]'' :'''Jesse''': Thanks. ''[gestures towards the rain]'' What's up with this shit? :'''Kim''': Raining. :'''Jesse''': Yeah. I dunno, it's... It's crazy! Like, bananas, all this rain. I mean, I thought we were, like, in a desert, y'know? ''[beat]'' You're a lawyer, right? ''[Kim turns to him]'' Yeah. I recognize you. You defended my buddy, Combo. Christian Ortega? Juvie court, little baby Jesus? I mean, not like a ''real'' baby. Just, uh... y'know, one of those things outside of the... church? :'''Kim''': Nativity scene. :'''Jesse''': Yeah. :'''Kim''': Knights of Columbus. :'''Jesse''': I mean, what the ''hell'' did he even ''want'' that thing for? Huh? I mean, I—I still don't know, ''dumbass.'' I told him he could go to hell for stealing something like that. I mean—But did he listen to me? No. But you... You got him off, like, scot-free, that... That was pretty slick, yo! :'''Kim''': Well... Tell him I hope he's keeping his nose clean. :'''Jesse''': Yeah, yeah. Right on. Absolutely. Uh... Hey, so, you having all this expertise and all... This guy, Goodman... ''[pause]'' He the real deal? Like, lawyer-wise? :'''Kim''': Why do you ask? :'''Jesse''': I got a buddy in there who's facing some serious time. I mean, not... y'know, not baby Jesus time, but... but serious. You know, he needs top-shelf legal representation. And I tell him that, right? But, you know, he sees this dude's commercials on TV, and this is where he wants to go. I mean, I tell him, "Yo... Emilio, you know, a funny TV commercial's not a sound... basis for, like, you know... ''[pause]'' I mean, like, would you go to a doctor to do, like, an operation on you in, like a... On, like your spleen, or whatever... All on the fact that there was a funny TV commercial? No. I mean, c'mon. How is this ''any'' different, y'know?" Anyways... This guy. Any good? :''[Kim throws her cigarette away]'' :'''Kim''': When I knew him, he was. ''[pulls her hood up and runs out into the rain]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Saul calls Marion after learning that Jeff has been arrested for the robbery he committed the previous night]'' :'''Marion''': Hello? ''[pause]'' Gene! Honey, do you know what time it is? ''[beat; picks up her phone and sits down]'' Oh... Oh God, that boy. He's gonna put me in my grave. :'''Saul''': Marion... ''[chuckles]'' It's a mistake is all. Getting picked up for something you didn't do, that could happen to anybody. :'''Marion''': Yeah right, anyone. This isn't the first time, you know. He's been in trouble before. Oh, Jesus! :'''Saul''': Marion— :'''Marion''': The death of me! He's gonna be the death of me! :'''Saul''': Marion! Marion, it's gonna be alright. We'll get him outta there lickety-split. :'''Marion''': I've been through this before. There's nothing lickety-split about it. Back when he was living in Albuquerque... Drunk in public, resisting arrest, urinating in—in some place he shouldn't have! And me on the telephone for hours long-distance, trying to find one of those bailout places. I maxed out my Discover card. I'm still paying for that one! :'''Saul''': Well, money's not gonna be a problem because I'm gonna help you with that. :'''Marion''': No, Gene. I can't let you do that. No. :'''Saul''': Sure you can. Jeff will pay me back. And you don't have to worry about a bondsman either, because guess what? In Omaha, they don't have 'em. Right? You just walk into the station, you pay out straight cash bail. It's not like Albuquerque at all. ''[beat; Marion starts growing suspicious]'' Marion, you still there? :'''Marion''': Yeah, what... Why did Jeff call you instead of me? :'''Saul''': Well, I think he was scared of how you'd take it. Honestly, I was gonna pay the bail myself, but I think it should be a family member. I think that'd be best. ''[brief pause]'' I'll tell you what. Let me take a shower, get dressed, and you do the same. I'll swing by and pick you up, we'll get this whole thing squared away. :'''Marion''': What about Buddy? Is he in any trouble? :'''Saul''': I don't think so. Why would he be? ''Heh.'' I'll see you in about an hour. :'''Marion''': Yeah, okay. Yeah, thanks. :''[After she hangs up the phone, Marion takes out her laptop and connects it to her phone chord]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Saul has just discovered Marion watching videos on the internet. He opens up her computer to find one of his old commercials playing, then re-shuts it.]'' :'''Saul''': What's that? :'''Marion:''' ...You tell me. :'''Saul''': Marion, do you think that's me? 'Cause it's not. :'''Marion:''' There never was a Nippy, was there? :'''Saul''': What did Jeff tell you? :'''Marion:''' Oh, he didn't tell me anything. [[w:AskJeeves | AskJeeves]] told me. I typed in "conman" and "Albuquerque". And up you popped, big as day. :''[Marion reaches for her phone]'' :'''Saul''': What are you doing, Marion? :'''Marion:''' What do you think I'm doing? I'm calling the police. :'''Saul''': Here. Let me help you with that. ''[rips the phone line from the wall and backs Marion into a corner]'' Listen, I think we're losing sight of the bigger picture here, okay? Jeff is in trouble, and I wanna help him. He and I could sure use your support here. :'''Marion:''' What'd you get my son into?! :'''Saul''': Nothing that he didn't ask for. ''[shoves Marion's chair to the side and wraps the phone cord around his fists.]'' Listen, I'm still the good friend you thought I was, okay? Jeff understands me! Buddy understands me! And you will, too. You just have to, uh... You know, keep things on an even keel, alright? :''[Marion pulls out her [[w:Life Alert Emergency Response | LifeAlert button]], threatening Jimmy with it as he closes in.]'' :'''Saul''': What have you got there? Put that down. Put that down, Marion. Put it down. Do not do it, Marion. Final warning... ''[takes it out of her grasp.]'' :'''Marion:''' I trusted you. :''[Saul holds on to the button for a few moments, guilt quickly setting in before he lets it go. Marion grasps the button again and presses it.]'' :'''Valerie:''' Marion? This is Valerie with LifeAlert. Are you okay? :'''Marion:''' No, Valerie, I'm not okay! There's a criminal standing in my kitchen, threatening me! He's a wanted man, and his name is Saul Goodman! :'''Valerie:''' Alright, Marion? I'm calling the police, I'm calling right now. :''[Saul sprints out of the kitchen and exits the house. Marion looks on in shock.]'' === ''Saul Gone'' [6.13] === == External links == {{wikipedia}} [[Category:Better Call Saul seasons]] [[Category:Split television seasons]] gd29bvga8egel29srmfz7gddenbuoni 3153075 3153073 2022-08-10T01:15:49Z DemonDrake 3100809 /* Waterworks [6.12] */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} ---- :'''Season''' [[Better Call Saul (season 1)|1]] [[Better Call Saul (season 2)|2]] [[Better Call Saul (season 3)|3]] [[Better Call Saul (season 4)|4]] [[Better Call Saul (season 5)|5]] [[Better Call Saul (season 6)|6]] | [[Better Call Saul|'''Main''']] ---- The following is a list of quotes from the sixth season of ''[[Better Call Saul]]''. === ''[[w:Wine and Roses|Wine and Roses]]'' [6.01] === :''[Mike, Gus, and Tyrus gather in the office trailer at the Los Pollos Hermanos chicken farm to discuss the aftermath of the attempted hit on Lalo Salamanca.]'' :'''Gus:''' Tell me again about the ''sicario'' who made the final report. :'''Tyrus:''' He was already wounded when he talked to our cutout. Federales found him dead at the scene. But they got Salamanca. :'''Gus:''' The mercenaries are dead. To a man. And yet their mission was a success? :'''Mike:''' It has been known to happen. Now you go down there and get Varga, bring him home safe. There's ways to do it on the quiet. :''[Long pause; Gus and Tyrus both stare at him.]'' :'''Mike:''' ''[scoffs]'' ...Unless you already have something in the works. :''[Tyrus turns and exits the trailer. Mike and Gus speak alone.]'' :'''Gus:''' Speak your mind. :'''Mike:''' Loyalty goes both ways. Varga's done everything you asked him. :'''Gus:''' He wasn't given a choice. :'''Mike:''' Maybe so, but he played a tough game. And he played it on the square. :'''Gus:''' ...And? :'''Mike:''' When all is said and done, the kid deserves your respect. :'''Gus:''' He has it. Is there more you wish to say? :''[After a long pause, Mike exits the trailer.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jimmy and Kim have dinner at a diner; conversation turns to the Ford Taurus that Jimmy has rented.]'' :'''Jimmy:''' I rented us a car. It's the Ford. :'''Kim:''' So Saul Goodman drives a brown Ford Taurus? :'''Jimmy:''' Detroit calls that taupe, I believe. :'''Kim:''' Don't you think Saul Goodman would drive something with a little more... flair? :'''Jimmy:''' Such as? :'''Kim:''' I don't know. Definitely American-made. Something showy. And Saul Goodman has an office. Something eye-catching. Good location. :'''Jimmy:''' By the courthouse? :'''Kim:''' Yeah. A cathedral of justice. :'''Jimmy:''' ''Ooooh'', a cathedral of justice. Okay, yeah. :'''Kim:''' We should start looking for something for you. I mean, for Saul. :'''Jimmy:''' Sold. When do we start? <hr width="50%"/> :''[At the courthouse, Jimmy is confronted by the district attorney who prosecuted Lalo during his bail hearing]'' :'''ADA Khalil''': I've been calling you for two days. :'''Jimmy''': Oh, my girl's out sick. What can I do you for? :'''ADA Khalil''': Tomorrow morning, 10 A.M. :'''Jimmy''': Brunch? But just you and me, right? ''[points at Detective Roberts]'' I mean, won't the big fella here feel like a third wheel? :'''ADA Khalil''': You and I are meeting Parson in chambers. I am asking for an emergency hearing to alter the terms of De Guzman's release. :'''Jimmy''': Sounds like a blast. Unfortunately, I'm booked solid. :'''Detective Roberts''': I checked your client's place of residence. The address he gave, it's a Dairy Queen in Altamonte. The family that showed at the bail hearing can't be located. No driver's license, no tax rolls, no school records. Nothing. The fact is, there isn't a single Elizabeth McKinnon under the age of 73 living in New Mexico. :'''Jimmy''': Well, this is–this is surprising. :'''ADA Khalil''': Your client has disappeared, and I'm not waiting six weeks to start looking for him. :'''Jimmy''': Hey, my guy put up seven million in bail. You think he's just gonna walk away from that? :'''Detective Roberts''': Who comes up with seven million bucks in cash? :'''ADA Khalil''': You know what I think? I think the family was fake. ''[to Jimmy]'' And I think you knew it the whole time. :'''Jimmy''': Okay, hold up. Just get real for a second. The hearing didn't go your way, and now you're trying for a do-over? You say my guy ran, I say he's got seven million reasons for showing up when he's legally required to do so. So, no, I won't be... uh, due process window dressing at any crash meeting with Parson. And if you try throwing any of this crap around in front of the judge without my presence, here's an accusation: Prosecutorial misconduct. ''Career-ending'' prosecutorial misconduct! :'''Detective Roberts''': None of that changes the fact the guy's not who he said he was. :'''Jimmy''': No, no, no! Hold on! You guys got caught with your pants around your ankles, and somehow that's on me?! I don't think so! ''[points at ADA Khalil]'' You got two dozen lawyers up there! You got investigators—you got the whole damn police force—and it's ''my'' fault that you can't keep track of Lalo?! ''That is '''not''' my job!'' :'''ADA Khalil''': Lalo? Who's Lalo? :'''Jimmy''': What?! ''[blinks hard]'' What did I say... I meant De Guzman. I have more than one client! ''[chuckles]'' So... ''[clears throat]'' I will see you at the preliminary in six weeks as scheduled. Until then, I have clients who need me. :''[Jimmy walks into an empty courtroom and sits down while contemplating his slip-up]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jimmy takes a guided tour of the country club where Howard and Cliff are members, meeting with a tour guide named Norm in the main lounge.]'' :'''Norm:''' Hi, Norm Wakely. I understand you're in the market for a tour. :'''Jimmy:''' That's right. Saul Goodman. :'''Norm:''' Great to meet you, Mr. Goodman. :'''Jimmy:''' No please, call me Saul. :'''Norm:''' Great. So Saul, can I get you anything before we get started? The coffee here is just unbeatable. :'''Jimmy:''' Uh, well, I'm fine. I'm fully caffeinated. :''[Kevin Wachtell walks into the room and becomes upset upon seeing Jimmy in the lounge.]'' :'''Norm:''' Well Saul, you and I are standing on hallowed ground. Five presidents have played on our course, starting with Dwight D. Eisenhower. But the story goes back even further than that– :'''Kevin:''' ''Norm.'' :''[Jimmy and Norm turn toward Kevin.]'' :'''Kevin:''' Can I have a sec, please? :'''Jimmy:''' Kevin, hey. How's it going? :'''Norm:''' Uh, I'm sorry. I'm sure this will just be a moment. :''[Norm goes over to Kevin and talks to him for a few moments, clearly being instructed to remove Jimmy from the premises.]'' :'''Norm:''' Mr. Goodman. I'm so sorry, but I've just been reminded that in fact we have a two-year waiting list. :'''Jimmy:''' Two years, wow. Maybe I could go on the tour anyway. I mean, 'cause I'm here. Just in case. :'''Norm:''' Well unfortunately, we've suspended tours for the moment. :'''Jimmy:''' You're not even giving tours? :'''Norm:''' I apologize for the inconvenience. We–we'll be happy to call you if the situation changes. You left your number? :'''Jimmy:''' Uh-huh. :'''Norm:''' Well, we'll be in touch. If the situation changes. Again, I–I am sorry for your time and trouble. We just– ''[sighs]'' We had a few crosswires. :'''Jimmy:''' Well... okay then. :'''Norm:''' Thank you. :''[Jimmy is about the leave the lounge, but impulsively stops, turns around, and approaches Norm again.]'' :'''Jimmy:''' I'm sorry. :'''Norm:''' Oh, yes. :'''Jimmy:''' Um, just so I understand: you were going to give me a tour and then realized you don't need new members? :'''Norm:''' We have a waiting list. :'''Jimmy:''' Okay, but you're the membership director... :'''Norm:''' I know. :'''Jimmy:''' ...so you would have known that before. It doesn't really add up. I mean, I came in and everyone was rolling out the red carpet, and then all of a sudden something changed. I don't– :'''Norm:''' Mr. Goodman, I– :'''Jimmy:''' ''Goodman.'' The name. The second you heard it, everything turned on a dime. Wow. Waiting list? I think you're talking about an ''exclusion'' list. It's okay, I should have known. Because, I mean, look! ''[raises his voice and walks to the middle of the lounge, where everyone can see him]'' It's wall-to-wall mayonnaise in here! So listen, if you're going to be restrictive, have the courage to say so! :'''Norm:''' There's no question– :'''Jimmy:''' There it is, folks! Anti-Semitism, alive and well right here in Albuquerque! :'''Norm:''' Sir! We have many Jewish members! :'''Jimmy:''' Oh good. Well, you met your quota then. Gold star for you. :''[Kevin, flanked by two of his golf buddies, interjects.]'' :'''Kevin:''' Hold on. That's gotta be the biggest load of horse crap I've ever heard in my life. Go crawl back in your hole, McGill or Goodman – whatever you're calling yourself. What are you up to, anyway? Ginning up another one of your put-up job lawsuits? You two-faced, blackmailing, money-grubbing son of a bitch– :'''Jimmy:''' Money-grubbing! You're saying the quiet part out loud, I think. :'''Norm:''' Gentlemen, can we just keep the volume down? :'''Kevin:''' You know damn well that's not what I meant! :'''Jimmy:''' In this day and age, I'd hoped and prayed we'd be beyond this. :'''Kevin:''' You're about as Jewish as my Aunt Fannie! :'''Jimmy:''' Five-thousand years and it never ends! :''[Kevin tries to take a swing at Jimmy, but is held back by his golf buddies.]'' :'''Jimmy:''' ''Here it is! Violence! It always comes to this!'' :'''Norm:''' Mr. Wachtell, please! :'''Kevin's Buddy:''' Come on, Kev. :'''Kevin:''' ''[to Jimmy]'' You go to hell, you lying sack of shit. :''[Kevin and his golf buddies leave the lounge.]'' :'''Norm:''' Sir. Mr. Goodman, I don't know what to say. That is not– :'''Jimmy:''' I wouldn't be a member here. I wouldn't walk through those doors again after what happened to me here today. ''[feigns tears]'' Do you at least have a bathroom that I could use, seeing as how my– Stress like that is hell on my diverticulitis. :'''Norm:''' The men's locker room is the closest. It's straight through there. :'''Jimmy:''' And I would be allowed to go in there? :'''Norm:''' Yes, of course. :'''Jimmy:''' I want you to know I don't blame you personally. I know you were just following orders. ''[to everyone in the lounge]'' It's okay, folks! I'm leaving! All is well! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lalo is preparing to be smuggled across the border with a group of undocumented immigrants when he decides to call the Casa Tranquila Nursing Home and speak to Hector. A nurse holds a phone up to Hector's ear in the common room. Hector uses his bell to communicate.]'' :'''Lalo:''' ''[in Spanish]'' Uncle, can you hear me? Do you know my voice? :''[Hector visibly recognizes Lalo's voice.]'' :'''Hector:''' ''[rings bell twice]'' :'''Lalo:''' They told you about the attack, didn't they? :'''Hector:''' ''[rings once]'' :'''Lalo:''' Let them keep believing I'm dead. So much the better. It was the chicken man. That coward sat up there in the north while his paramilitaries came into my home. My home, Uncle! Screw Bolsa, screw Eladio. I'm coming north. I'm going to hurt him. Hurt him like you taught me. And then I will kill him. :'''Hector:''' ''[rings repeatedly in agreement]'' :'''Lalo:''' What is it? :''[The nurse takes the phone from Hector.]'' :'''Nurse:''' Hector? ''[to Lalo]'' Excuse me. I'm so sorry, but Hector seems a little upset. :'''Lalo:''' ''[in English]'' Yeah, sorry. Um, I'm just– I'm sharing a bit of family news, some good, some bad. Would you mind putting him back on? It will only be a minute. :'''Nurse:''' Of course. :''[The nurse again holds the phone to Hector's ear.]'' :'''Lalo:''' ''[in Spanish]'' Uncle? :'''Hector:''' ''[rings twice]'' :'''Lalo:''' What is it? Do you have another idea? :'''Hector:''' ''[rings twice]'' :'''Lalo:''' Okay, let's see. A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, Ñ, O, P– :'''Hector:''' ''[rings once]'' :'''Lalo:''' P? That's right? :'''Hector:''' ''[rings once]'' :'''Lalo:''' Okay. What's next? A, B, C, D... :''[Cut to the common room; Hector rings twice.]'' :'''Lalo:''' ...L, M, N, Ñ... :''[Cut to the common room; Hector rings once.]'' :'''Lalo:''' U? ''Prueba?'' :'''Hector:''' ''[rings once]'' :'''Lalo:''' Is that what you're saying? Proof? :'''Hector:''' ''[rings twice]'' :'''Lalo:''' Uncle, I don't have any proof. For months I was in the north watching him, following his men. There was nothing. :''[Lalo has a flash of realization.]'' :'''Lalo:''' Wait... There is proof. I know where to find it. Goodbye, Uncle. You will see me soon. === ''[[w:Carrot and Stick|Carrot and Stick]]'' [6.02] === :'''Jimmy''': "I was a hard worker. I was a company man. Twenty years, and I didn't miss a single day. They even gave me a plaque for it. ''[sighs]'' It was a gold plaque. Perfect attendance... But when they handed it to me, I wrenched my back. I was in so much pain, I couldn't do my job... ''[sighs again]'' which meant I couldn't put food on the table. I didn't want to sue... but with a family to support, what choice did I have?" :'''Kim''': Wait, who are you supposed to be again? :'''Jimmy''': Whatever. The backstory is just a placeholder. I'm gonna polish the script once we cast. :'''Kim''': But a personal injury suit? Best case scenario, that gets him in with an associate. :'''Jimmy''': ''[throws hands up]'' Mesothelioma. ''[clears his throat]'' "When I took that job down at the shoe factory, I had no idea I was risking my life. Now, I can't stop coughin'!" Right? Come on! Hey, a mesothelioma class-action built Clifford Main his vacation house. He hears "mesothelioma," his eyes pop! :'''Kim''': Well, sure. But then he takes the case. What happens when he asks for a medical evaluation? And how does Howard come up? :'''Jimmy''': Okay, ask me why I'm here. :'''Kim''': What brings you to Davis & Main today? :'''Jimmy''': "I'm sick. I'm really sick..." :'''Kim''': Good. :'''Jimmy''': "...and it's not mesothelioma, but it's not good. And I need a lawyer, and the pickings are slim. I already went to HHM. I met with their top guy, Howard Hamlin, and uh... Uhhh, I–I got a brother-in-law and he's got a pretty nasty coke habit, very similar energy. Just put me off. Anyway, I need a lawyer, blah-blah-blah." :'''Kim''': Okay, but you got a bad feeling from just one meeting? :'''Jimmy''': Yeah, I had the brother-in-law with the coke. :'''Kim''': Yeah, but you were only in the room with him once. :'''Jimmy''': Okay, so it's gotta be something with a history with Howard. :'''Kim''': Yeah. :'''Jimmy''': But Cliff has to want to take the meeting, but not the case. :'''Kim''': Right. :'''Jimmy''': ''[sighs]'' It's gotta be good, but not too good. :'''Kim''': Exactly. There's a sweet spot, you know. Like a magnet. We–we pull Cliff in, and then repel him. ''[beat]'' Oh! :'''Jimmy''': What? :'''Kim''': ''[sighs]'' You are going to ''hate'' this... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jimmy tracks down the Kettlemans to their shady tax preparation office and tries to rope them into his and Kim's plan to ruin Howard]'' :'''Betsy''': ''[to Jimmy]'' You've got some nerve coming here after what you did! ''[shoves Jimmy]'' ''Leave!'' Because of you, we lost ''everything!'' Our kids are in public school! So why don't you go crawl back under whatever slime-covered rock you came from and leave us the heck alone?! :'''Jimmy''': Okay, I sense some anger here, but that's–that's perfectly understandable. Since you brought it up, I came here today because I was curious if you two wanted your lives back. There's actually a legal term for it: Exoneration. :'''Craig''': Oh. You know, we actually did look into that. :'''Betsy''': Yep. :'''Craig''': We went to a number of lawyers, and— :'''Betsy''': ''Real'' lawyers. :'''Craig''': Yes. They were all terrific, but they said that it was impossible. :'''Betsy''': ''Mm-hmm''. :'''Jimmy''': Okay, but those lawyers don't know what I know. :'''Craig''': What's that? :'''Betsy''': No, Craig. He's got an angle. :'''Jimmy''': I ''do'' have an angle, Craig. It's an angle called justice. ''[Betsy scoffs and snickers]'' Let me put it this way: I think that within Craig's case, I have found the grounds for a civil suit. A big one. ''[pause; quietly]'' Big. :'''Betsy''': ''[long pause; looks at Craig]'' Okay, then. Let's hear it. :'''Jimmy''': Let's hold your horses, because we've been down this road before. [[w:Uno (Better Call Saul)|And the last time I gave you two advice, you went straight to the competition with it.]] ''[pulls out a piece of paper from inside his suit]'' So, I just need some assurances that all my hard work isn't gonna end up in the hands of, uh, Clifford Main or some other asshole at some pretentious high-pay, white-shoe law firm. So before we talk turkey, letters of engagement. :'''Craig''': Yes. :'''Jimmy''': Yeah, you remember these. I made some updates, just closed a few loopholes and whatnot. So... ''[holds out paper and pen]'' :'''Betsy''': ''[stops Craig from taking the pen]'' We're not signing anything. :'''Jimmy''': You have to sign if you want to know what I know. :'''Betsy''': ''We're not signing.'' :'''Jimmy''': Really? You're sure? :'''Betsy''': Yep. :'''Jimmy''': Craig? :'''Craig''': ''[looks at Betsy before shaking his head]'' Thanks anyway. :'''Jimmy''': ''[unclicks pen]'' Alright. Well, uh... Sorry we couldn't work something out. :'''Betsy''': I'm sure you are. :''[Jimmy overhears Betsy and Craig arguing as he walks around the trailer. He balls the pen in his fist]'' :'''Craig''': Mr. Goodman! :'''Jimmy''': ''[smiles; clicks pen and takes out letter]'' Best decision you've ever made. ''[turns his back to Craig for him to sign the letter]'' Here you go. :'''Betsy''': ''[after Craig signs the letter]'' So what do you know? :'''Jimmy''': You got one, too, Betsy. ''[holds out another letter]'' :''[Betsy snatches the pen and paper from Jimmy and signs the letter while pressing the pen hard on Jimmy's back]'' :'''Jimmy''': Oh, come on. That's not... ''Ow''. All right. Well, we're officially in business. Now, I have it on good authority here that Craig was not given proper counsel. :'''Betsy''': We already knew that. :'''Jimmy''': But did you ask yourselves why? :'''Craig''': No. Why? :'''Jimmy''': What if I told you that in your hour of need, the person who was supposed to be on your side was impaired? :'''Craig''': Impaired? :'''Jimmy''': It's a... a person of substance. ''[as Betsy and Craig talk to each other quietly]'' Substance in question being a certain illegal white powder. :'''Betsy''': That awful woman with the ponytail is a cocaine addict. :'''Jimmy''': No, not Kim Wexler! No! Craig's lead attorney, Howard Hamlin! :'''Craig''': Oh. I thought he was so... professional and energetic. Upbeat. :'''Betsy''': Oh... :'''Jimmy''': "Oh," is right. :'''Craig''': So upbeat is bad? :'''Jimmy''': In this case, it's textbook malpractice. The magic phrase is, "ineffective assistance of counsel." If your guy wasn't nose deep in the devil's dandruff, well, Craig's case would've turned out completely different. :'''Craig''': Oh, my God! :'''Betsy''': Don't we need some kind of proof? :'''Jimmy''': All the dirty laundry comes out in discovery. It’s just trips to rehab, secret drug deals. All we gotta do is get the ball rolling. So, I say we get started on your affidavits. :'''Craig''': Yes. :'''Betsy''': About that. We happen to know a thing or two about our rights, Mr. McGill. And it doesn’t matter what you force us to sign. We don’t have to work with any lawyer we don’t want. ''[gets in Jimmy's face]'' And that means... you’re fired. :'''Jimmy''': I am not fired. :'''Betsy''': Oh yes, you are! :'''Jimmy''': No! No! :'''Craig''': He’s fired? :'''Betsy''': Craig! :'''Jimmy''': No, you can’t fire me! I found this case, it’s mine! Hey, you wanna hear about rights?! The second you say where you got this information from, guess who automatically gets a cut?! ''Me! So go ahead! Go ahead, see what happens!'' :''[Jimmy pretends to be upset after the Kettlemans leave, but slowly starts smiling as he walks away]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Gus and Juan Bolsa visit Hector at Casa Tranquila to send their condolences, still believing that Lalo is dead. The dialogue is in Spanish.]'' :'''Bolsa''': He wishes to make amends. At least hear him out. :'''Gus''': Don Hector. It's no secret that I did not see eye to eye with your nephew. And while the friction between your family and myself did not start with him, today I am reminded we are all Eladio's men. No matter our disagreements, a strike against one is a strike against all. I hope you will accept my condolences and my support as you navigate this terrible loss. :'''Bolsa''': Gustavo speaks the truth. In this matter, he and I both stand shoulder to shoulder behind the Salamanca family. We are still looking for the traitor, Ignacio Varga. ''[places hand on Hector's shoulder]'' We will find him. And then your family will have justice. :''[Hector slowly reaches his hand out to Gus. As Gus holds his hand, he notices a change of expression on Hector's face and stares at him. Cut to outside the nursing home.]'' :'''Bolsa''': ''[to Gus in English]'' We'll be in touch. :''[Gus calls Mike on his cell phone after Bolsa drives away]'' :'''Mike''': What did you learn? :'''Gus''': Lalo Salamanca lives. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jimmy gets a call from Betsy Kettleman after she finds out there was no case against Howard]'' :'''Jimmy''': Saul Goodman, speedy justice for you. Oh, wait! Okay, just take a breath, and then we can... Okay, okay. I can tell you're upset. Just... I–I never advised that. No. ''[sighs]'' No, I did not, so let's agree to disagree. ''[pause]'' Okay, I think you're going to want to meet in person before you do anything rash. So how about–how about we meet up, and we can hash this out. ''[pause]'' Yeah, sure! Tomorrow, first thing. Uh, 9 A.M, I can come to your office. That work? ...Okay, okay! Good! ''[hangs up]'' :'''Kim''': I'm surprised it took them this long. You, uh... You're gonna use the stick, right? :'''Jimmy''': The stick? Well, it's a big stick. But I know these people, they're more carrot types. Especially her. ''[takes out cash and puts the bills in his suit pocket]'' Spoonful of sugar, you know? :'''Kim''': ''[beat]'' I think maybe I'll come, too. :'''Jimmy''': Tomorrow? Really? :'''Kim''': Sure. I have time. :'''Jimmy''': ''[pause]'' Okay. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tyrus''': They found the truck, but no sign of Varga. Salamancas have all eyes looking for him, including the federales. Still not picking up his cell, so nobody got a lock on it. Now as for Lalo, still missing. As far as everybody in the cartel is concerned, top to bottom, Lalo is dead. :'''Mike''': May I offer a thought? ''[pause; to Gus]'' If Salamanca was coming straight for you, he'd be here already. We've got guys watching anywhere he might turn up this side of Mexico. Wire taps on any phone he might call. There is not a whiff of him. Now, my guess is he's smart enough to know it's not in the Salamanca family interest to take you out without a reason the bosses can get behind. So, the odds are he's searching for Varga. Finds him alive, gets him to talk. ''[pause; Gus remains silent]'' Varga's alone in foreign territory, no one he can trust. The kid's smart, but he's not gonna last. ''[Gus stands up]'' He's gonna get caught. :''[Gus accidentally knocks a glass over and kneels down to pick up the shards from the floor]'' :'''Gus''': Continue. :'''Mike''': The best way to handle this: I take four of our best guys, cross the border and track Varga down. Let me find him, bring him back before the Salamancas sweep him up. It's our only play. :''[After cleaning up the broken glass, Gus throws it away and looks out a nearby window]'' :'''Gus''': ''[beat; in Spanish]'' Varga's father. Bring him here. :'''Mike''': No. You're not doing that. ''[locks the door after Tyrus gets his gun out]'' You don't understand. That's not happening. :'''Tyrus''': ''[walks up to Mike and aims gun at him]'' Just say the word. :'''Mike''': Whatever happens next... it's not gonna go down the way you think it is. :''[Mike stares at Tyrus, who cocks his gun and waits for Mike to make a move.]'' :'''Mike''': ''[beat; hears cell phone vibrating]'' It's him. :'''Tyrus''': Bullshit. I've been calling Varga for hours. He hasn't picked up once. :'''Mike''': He's been trying to get me since he left the Salamancas. ''[opens phone]'' You want me to answer it? :''[Tyrus turns to Gus, who nods. Mike answers the phone and speaks to Nacho]'' :'''Mike''': Yeah. ''[pause]'' Yeah. ...Not my call. ''[pause]'' That's up to you. ''[to Gus]'' He wants to talk to you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Betsy:''' You used us &ndash; us and our good name &ndash; to character-assassinate Howard Hamlin. Somehow, some way, it benefits you to tear him down. :'''Craig:''' Yeah. And we're&ndash;we're mad. :'''Jimmy:''' Okay, yeah. I'm hearing a lot of unfounded accusations being tossed around. I don't know anything about schemes or character assassination or whatnot, but... ''[clears throat]'' if you're feeling slighted, we can make it right. ''[Jimmy hands Betsy a bundle of cash]'' :'''Betsy:''' Money? ''[scoffs]'' Money's not gonna take care of this. :'''Jimmy:''' Money takes care of everything. Isn't that the motto stitched onto the Kettleman family crest? :'''Betsy:''' We don't want money. :'''Jimmy:''' I am non-plussed. I'm guessing you want something. :'''Betsy:''' Do what you promised. :'''Jimmy:''' Do what I what? :'''Betsy:''' Exonerate Craig. Get his good name back. :'''Jimmy:''' Alright. Well, as you've been advised, for a number of reasons that's not gonna happen. :'''Betsy:''' It ''is'' gonna happen. It is. It's... You're just gonna have to figure out a way. :'''Craig:''' If anyone can do this, it's you. :'''Betsy:''' I know you don't want us going to Howard Hamlin. Because whatever it is you're up to, I'm sure he would be ''very'' interested. :'''Jimmy:''' Okay, let's just go easy on the threats. :'''Betsy:''' We want our lives back! The way they were before. ''Before.'' We lost everything! And we don't deserve any of this. :'''Kim:''' Okay. Enough carrot. ''[clears throat]'' :''[Kim turns to the home phone next to her and begins to dial]'' :'''Craig:''' Dial 9 to get out. :'''Kim:''' Oh, thank you. :'''Betsy:''' ''[whispering; to Craig]'' We didn't give her permission to use the phone. :'''Craig:''' ''[whispering; to Betsy]'' She needs to use the phone. :'''Jimmy:''' Kim... ? :''[The line connects; Kim speaks through the phone's speaker]'' :'''Receptionist:''' Internal Revenue Service, Albuquerque. :'''Kim:''' Hi. Could you put me through to Justin Stangel in Criminal Investigations? :'''Receptionist:''' One moment, please. :'''Betsy:''' ''[to Kim]'' What are you doing? Excuse me! :'''Justin:''' This is Justin. :'''Kim:''' Justin, Kim Wexler. How are you? :'''Justin:''' Hey, Kim. Good to hear from you. :'''Kim:''' How are Noreen and the boys? :'''Justin:''' Oh, hanging in. Noreen always talks about having you by for dinner some time. :'''Kim:''' We should do that. Tell her to call me. Listen, I was wondering who your CID officer is these days. :'''Justin:''' You have something for us? :'''Kim:''' Oh, I just might: Tax preparer fraud. A lot of it. :'''Justin:''' I'm listening. :'''Kim:''' Well, it's this, uh, run-down little mom-and-pop outfit I've had my eye on for a while. ''[chuckles]'' Don't ask me why. Clearly, I need to get a life. But from what I can glean, their clients always end up with smaller refunds than they deserve. :'''Betsy:''' ''[whispering]'' Please don't do this. :'''Justin:''' Do the clients sign over third-party authorization? :'''Kim:''' Bingo. So what I'm thinking is, these creeps file legit returns with you guys, give the clients fake ones that show about half the proper amount, and then pocket the difference. :'''Justin:''' Classic scam. Well, I know just the guy to go after these dirtbags. Tony Oropallo. Real bulldog. I'll transfer you over. :'''Kim:''' Such a big help, Justin. :'''Justin:''' You got it. Talk soon. :'''Betsy:''' You don't have to do this. :'''Kim:''' ''[to Betsy]'' Don't I? Betsy... You'll probably get twenty-four months, maybe eighteen with good behavior. But Craig? You are a two-time loser. They will definitely make an example out of you. Each false return they discover will be a separate felony. What are we talking? A hundred? :'''Betsy:''' Uh... :'''Kim:''' Two-hundred? :'''Tony:''' ''[beat]'' CID, Anthony Oropallo speaking. :''[Betsy runs to the phone and slams down the receiver to end the call]'' :'''Betsy:''' Please. We'll do anything. Just tell us. :'''Kim:''' ''[beat]'' Why would I believe ''you?'' Huh? :'''Craig:''' Please. :'''Kim:''' ''[long pause]'' First. First, you contact every person you've ripped off. Tell them you made an accounting error, tell them you're crooks who had a change of heart, I don't care. Give them what they are legally owed. Everything you stole. And then after that, you're going to forget you ever heard the name Howard Hamlin. I'm keeping my eye on both of you. You think you've lost everything? ''You have no idea.'' :''[Kim leaves the room with Jimmy while the Kettlemans stand shellshocked, on the verge of tears]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jimmy:''' [[w:Inflatable (Better Call Saul)|Wolves and sheep]]. :'''Kim:''' Huh? :'''Jimmy:''' ...Nothing. === ''[[w:Rock and Hard Place|Rock and Hard Place]]'' [6.03] === :''[Nacho calls his father from an auto shop while on the run]'' :'''Manuel''': A-to-Z Fine Upholstery. Hello? :'''Nacho''': Dad. It's me. :'''Manuel''': Nacho? :'''Nacho''': ''Si'', Papa. ''Hola''. :'''Manuel''': ''[sighs]'' ''Hola, hijo.'' ''[in Spanish]'' How are you? :'''Nacho''': ''[in Spanish]'' Good, good. Um... just wanted to hear your voice. :'''Manuel''': Nacho, where are you? You sound strange. :''[pause]'' :'''Nacho''': It's not important.... I was just checking in, that's all. :'''Manuel''': Okay. ''Hijo'', I have lots of work to do. We've been through this, so many times. You know what you have to do... go to the police. :'''Nacho''': Yes, Papa. I understand... I hear you. :''[pause]'' :'''Manuel''': What else is there to say? Hmm? Goodbye, ''hijo''. :'''Nacho''': ''[choked up]'' Goodbye, Papa. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Nacho calls Mike at an auto repair shop in Mexico while on the run from the Salamancas]'' :'''Mike''': Yeah. :'''Nacho''': It's me. :'''Mike''': Yeah. :'''Nacho''': You knew. You knew that I was going to Mexico to die, that I was never supposed to make it out of that motel. And you let it happen. :'''Mike''': Not my call. :'''Nacho''': What happens now? :'''Mike''': That's up to you. :'''Nacho''': Is that bastard with you? Put him on. :'''Mike''': Hmm. ''[to Gus]'' He wants to talk to you. :'''Gus''': ''[takes cell phone from Mike; to Nacho]'' Yes. :'''Nacho''': You are screwed. ''[pause]'' You want the cartel to blame me for Lalo. But if they catch me, and make me talk? ''Ooh...'' That is not good for you, is it? Even if I disappear, everyone's gonna smell your stink all over it. The only way that this works for you is with me dead. ''[beat]'' Alright. Whatever bullshit way you want the story to go, I will make it go. But... I need one thing. :'''Gus''': Yes? :'''Nacho''': My dad. I need to know that he will be safe. :'''Gus''': If you are true to your word, there will be no reason for anyone to harm your father. :'''Nacho''': ''You'' are not the one that I need to hear it from. :''[Gus puts the phone on speaker so Mike can speak to Nacho]'' :'''Mike''': Your dad's gonna be okay. :'''Nacho''': How do you know? :'''Mike''': Because anyone who goes after him is gonna have to come through me. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jimmy and Huell sit in a car; Jimmy pays Huell for duplicating the keys to Howard's Jaguar]'' :'''Huell:''' Can I ask you sum'n? :'''Jimmy:''' Sure, go ahead. :'''Huell:''' Personal, kind of. :'''Jimmy:''' Okay. What? :'''Huell:''' You're a lawyer. You make good money, right? :'''Jimmy:''' Good days and bad, but yeah. :'''Huell:''' Legit money, on the level. :'''Jimmy:''' Yeah, so? :'''Huell:''' Your wife's a lawyer. A legit lawyer. :'''Jimmy:''' Yeah. :'''Huell:''' Why you do all this? :'''Jimmy:''' Oh, I got you. I&ndash;I know from the outside that this looks like just another scam, but you're not seeing the bigger picture. Couple months from now, there are people whose lives are gonna be way better. Because of this. We're making a real difference. Trust me. We're doing the Lord's work here. :'''Huell:''' ''Hmph''. If you say so. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jimmy''': What's going on? :'''Kim''': I have news, Jimmy. Lalo is dead. :'''Jimmy''': ''[exhales deeply]'' Holy shit. :'''Kim''': The DA's office put it together that Lalo was calling himself De Guzman. They are pretty upset they let him go. :'''Jimmy''': I'll bet they are. :'''Kim''': Ericsen seems to think that if Lalo lied to you and you didn't know about the pseudonym, that you could break confidentiality. She wants you to talk. She says it's right. :'''Jimmy''': Well, what do you think we should do? :'''Kim''': You... should do whatever you want, Jimmy. They don't have anything on you. It's just a fishing expedition to see if you bite. :'''Jimmy''': ''[pause]'' You think I should do it? :'''Kim''': It depends. :'''Jimmy''': On what? :'''Kim''': Well... ''[sighs]'' I guess it's basically... Do you want to be a friend of the cartel or... do you want to be a rat? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Nacho is driven to a remote location with Gus, Tyrus and Victor. There they meet Juan Bolsa, Hector Salamanca, and the Cousins. Bolsa kneels next to Nacho.]'' :'''Bolsa:''' Today, you are going to die. But there are good deaths, and there are bad deaths. Tell me what I need to know, I'll see that your death is a good one. Who put you up to this? :''[Nacho glances at Gus, as if he's about to turn on him]'' :'''Bolsa:''' One last chance. ''Who?'' ''[long pause; scoffs and gets up to leave]'' :'''Nacho:''' It was Alvarez. Los Odios, out of Peru. They paid me to set up your nephew. And I did. :''[Hector furiously rings his bell and attempts to point to Gus, who he knows is the real culprit]'' :'''Bolsa:''' Alvarez, we know. Los Odios, we know. Was anyone else involved? :'''Nacho:''' ''[scoffs; nods to Gus]'' Him? You think the chicken man? ''Heh.'' What a joke. Alvarez has been paying me for years &ndash; ''years''. ''[to the Salamancas]'' But you know what? I would have done it for free. Because I hate every last one of you psycho sacks of shit. I opened Lalo's gate, and I would do it again. And I'm glad what they did to him. He's a soulless pig, and I wished I'd killed him with my own hands. And you know what else, Hector? I put you in that chair. Oh, yeah. Your heart meds? I switched them for sugar pills. You were dead and buried, and I had to watch ''this'' asshole... ''[gestures to Gus]'' ...bring you back. So when you are sitting in your shitty nursing home and you're sucking down on your Jell-O night after night for the rest of your life, ''you think of '''me,''' you twisted fuck.'' === ''[[w:Hit and Run (Better Call Saul)|Hit and Run]]'' [6.04] === :'''Jimmy:''' What kind of asshole moves a cone?! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jimmy''': So, I pull the Jag into the loading zone. And I start scrappin' with this hunk of metal. It was in deep—like, "down a well" deep—so I just... wrassled it! UGH! ''[Kim laughs hysterically]'' Like a freakin' bear, and I jam it in the dirt in front of the Jag! Boom! Barely made it out of there with the skin of my teeth. ''Who moves cones?'' Who does that? :'''Kim''': Narcissists. :'''Jimmy''': Heh, you're damn right. So you think Cliff really bought it, huh? :'''Kim''': One hundred percent! You should've seen his face. It landed, trust me. God, it was... beautiful. ''[pause]'' Oh, and that is not all. :'''Jimmy''': Spill. :'''Kim''': So... I'm doing the stall. I'm telling Cliff what I'm doing—what I wanna be doing. All I'm thinking is, I gotta stretch this out until you get there, but then... I don't know. I... kinda got caught up in it, and then... Cliff went for it. I mean, like, ''really'' went for it. :'''Jimmy''': What does that mean? Like, money? :'''Kim''': I don't think he'll write a check himself, but he knows people. And I think he'll deliver. :'''Jimmy''': You're kidding! :'''Kim''': I know! How great is that? :'''Jimmy''': This is unbelievable. ''[Kim laughs]'' Are we on a roll, or are we on a roll? Jeez! :'''Kim''': ''[beat]'' You ever feel like you're being followed? ''[pause]'' When I dropped Wendy off at the motel, she thought she was being watched by some undercover cops. But then when I drove away... that same car was behind ''me.'' Right after I spotted them, they disappeared. :'''Jimmy''': Well, you know what they say: The wicked flee where no man pursueth. :'''Kim''': ...You think we're wicked? :'''Jimmy''': No. What? ''[chuckles]'' It's just a turn of phrase. I think you're wicked hot. ''[pause]'' Alright. Listen to the voice of experience, okay? You know why you're feeling like this? Because we got away with it. It seems too good to be true, but trust me. Nobody is following you. ''[takes Kim's hand]'' No one knows what we're doing except for us. Okay? :'''Kim''': ''[pause]'' Okay. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jimmy confronts Bill Oakley at the courthouse when he notices his colleagues' cold treatment of him]'' :'''Jimmy''': What the hell is going on?! How come everyone's treating me like I'm covered in oozing pus sores? :'''Bill''': I liked you better when you were just a regular bottom feeder. But this? :'''Jimmy''': This? What is, "this?" :'''Bill''': I understand advocating for your client. Deep in my heart, I get it. But you scammed the court. You scammed the judge, and for what? To get a murdering cartel psychopath back out on the street? It's just... wrong. :'''Jimmy''': That's a lot of big talk, Bill. Prove it. Prove it, Bill! :'''Bill''': There's proving, and then there's knowing. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': They're gone. :'''Kim''': I'm sorry? :'''Mike''': The two men that were following you. They're gone. :'''Kim''': Do I know you? :'''Mike''': Would you mind sitting for a moment, and I will answer any questions I can. ''[pause; Kim sits down next to Mike]'' I have men watching you and your husband. I'm not with the police, and as far as I know, they're not investigating either of you. I ''do'' know that you've been up to a few things that you probably would rather keep private. I don't care. That's not what this is about. I'm trying to solve a problem of my own. :'''Kim''': What problem? :'''Mike''': Lalo Salamanca. :'''Kim''': Lalo Salamanca's dead. ''[beat; Mike says nothing and stares at Kim]'' He... isn't. :'''Mike''': We're watching anyone he might contact. That includes you and your husband. Most likely, he'll never reach out. He's got bigger fish to fry. But in the thousand to one chance that he does... :'''Kim''': And who do you work for? :'''Mike''': I said I would answer anything I can. :'''Kim''': ''[long pause]'' [[w:Bagman (Better Call Saul)|You're the guy from the desert]]. The one who was out there with Jimmy. Why are you telling me this and not him? :'''Mike''': Because I think you're made of sterner stuff. ''[pause; gets up]'' Alright. Now here's what's best for everyone. You spot my guys again—which I'm hoping you won't—let them go about their business. Just pretend they're not there. And pretty soon, they won't be. You and your husband just... go on living your lives. ''[starts to leave]'' :'''Kim''': I do know you. You worked in the parking booth at the courthouse. ''[pause]'' You were the attendant. :'''Mike''': ...I was. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kim meets Jimmy at a strip mall where an office space is available for lease]'' :'''Kim''': What are we doing here? :'''Jimmy''': Take a look. What do you think? :'''Kim''': About what? :'''Jimmy''': My new office. Potentially. Come on. :''[They both peer through the storefront windows of the office, which is empty except for a lone toilet]'' :'''Kim''': Huh. :'''Jimmy''': Mrs. Nguyen kicked me to the curb. :'''Kim''': What? Why? :'''Jimmy''': It's a long story, but upshot is she wants me out of there with extreme prejudice. :'''Kim''': Wow. Bad day, huh? :'''Jimmy''': Well, no. It was a... great day. With actual paying clients. The word is out! People were throwing cash retainers at me just to say Saul Goodman is their lawyer. :'''Kim''': Because of who you represented. :'''Jimmy''': Well, I mean, that's part of it. But the bottom line is I need a new place for new business pronto. Now, this place is a shithole, but the price is right. And I think I can talk the landlord into a month-to-month. So, it's temporary until I find something better. ''[sighs; pause]'' Hey. What do you think? :'''Kim''': ''[beat]'' It's small. It's... dirty. And this whole place smells funny. ''[pause]'' But the courthouse is five blocks away. You can't get to MDC without driving past. Parking is good, bail bond row isn't far, and uh... Taco Cabeza is just around the corner. Might be a diamond in the rough. Just promise me... you won't move the toilet. :'''Jimmy''': ''[chuckles]'' There it is. Alright. Uh... speaking of Taco Cabeza. :'''Kim''': I'm starving. Let's do it. === ''[[w:Black and Blue (Better Call Saul)|Black and Blue]]'' [6.05] === :''[Cliff informs Howard about witnessing Jimmy throw Wendy out of Howard's car]'' :'''Howard:''' I threw a woman out of my car? In the middle of the street? And I&ndash;''zip''&ndash;I just drive right past you? I... That's what you're saying? I-I-I don't even... I don't know how to respond to that. :'''Cliff:''' I'm not asking you to respond. I just need you to know that ''I'' know. :'''Howard:''' It wasn't me, Cliff. Whoever you think you saw&ndash; :'''Cliff:''' Yeah, sorry, but that's the kind of thing my son used to say. It was your Jaguar, your "Namaste" plate. It was you! Howard, there's no harm in asking for help. You got a lot of people in your corner. :'''Howard:''' So there's the-the baggie at the county club. :'''Cliff:''' Yes. :'''Howard:''' After that, some clients&ndash;who you can't name because of privilege&ndash;make insinuations. Then on Thursday, you have a business meeting and you witness a Jaguar speeding past. ''[beat]'' Who were you meeting with? :'''Cliff:''' Not sure why that's germaine, but... Kim Wexler. She came to me for career advice. :''[Howard's face becomes awash with realization]'' :'''Howard:''' ''Mmm.'' All right. ''[pause]'' Okay. ''[takes out his cell phone]'' Of course. ''[scoffs]'' Of course. ''[to Cliff]'' Cliff, I know this wasn't easy for you. You came to me as a friend. I appreciate it. :'''Cliff:''' You can start today, Howard. :'''Howard:''' Oh, I will. Because you're right, I ''do'' have a problem. Just not the problem you think. I have a Jimmy McGill problem. :'''Cliff:''' Jimmy McGill?! :'''Howard:''' You'll have to excuse me. :'''Cliff:''' Howard! :'''Howard:''' ''[to his secretary on the phone]'' Julie. Cancel my week. Yes, my whole week. :'''Cliff:''' Howard! :''[Howard climbs into his Jaguar and drives away]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jimmy walks into a boxing club and sees Howard, who pretended to be a potential client named "Mr. Ward"]'' :'''Howard''': Hello, Jimmy. :'''Jimmy''': Mr. Ward, I presume. As in... H.O. Ward. That is really cute, Howard. So, wait. That means that you're the guy who shanked some dude in a rumble near Central Pen. ''[sighs]'' That's—that's very street of you. :'''Howard''': I thought it sounded like a Saul Goodman kind of case. :'''Jimmy''': ...Alright, so what are we doing here? :'''Howard''': I'm tired, Jimmy. You and me, us. I'm tired of this. Aren't you? It's exhausting. ''[points at boxing ring behind him]'' Let's punch it out. :'''Jimmy''': ''[chuckles]'' Are you kidding? :'''Howard''': Dead serious. Hoping you might get it out of your system. Do I think it'll work? ''[shrugs]'' I don't know. Call it a Hail Mary. I have the gear, I rented the ring. It's just you and me... ''[points at the man standing behind Jimmy]'' and Macky to ref. :'''Jimmy''': ''[pause]'' I am sorry, but have you lost your mind? :'''Howard''': Actually, I'm as clear-headed as I've ever been in my life. You didn't even try to hide your tracks. The baggie of drugs at the country club, the clients you sent to discredit me, ''another'' prostitute. :'''Jimmy''': Okay, once again as usual, I— :'''Howard''': Please. I could go on. All roads lead back to you. It's Psych 101. You want to get caught. :'''Jimmy''': So what? Is this like pistols at dawn? :'''Howard''': I'm trying to give you what you want. :'''Jimmy''': What I want? I don't... I think this is what ''you'' want. You wanna beat the shit out of me? Legally? :'''Howard''': I think you can hold up your end. You must've gotten into a few good scrapes in your old neighborhood. :'''Jimmy''': Yeah, right. I could've been a contender. :'''Howard''': Indulge me. Let's see what we see. :'''Jimmy''': ''[pause; smiles]'' Thanks for the laughs. ''[chuckles]'' "Mr. Ward." :''[Jimmy laughs and starts to walk out, but stops. He and Howard are seen suited up with boxing gloves as they begin their fight. They both land a few punches on each other, but Howard eventually knocks Jimmy down]'' :'''Howard''': ''[to Jimmy]'' You've mistaken my kindness for weakness. I like to think that tonight made a difference. I like to think that this ends it. ''[pause; shakes his head]'' Probably not. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jimmy''': I should've left Howard standing there like a yutz. Instead I let him suck me into his game. Why did I do that? :'''Kim''': You had your reasons. :'''Jimmy''': I did? Like what? :'''Kim''': Because... you know. :'''Jimmy''': I know...? :'''Kim''': ''[holds Jimmy's hand]'' You know what's coming next. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lalo has travelled to Germany using an alias, and meets Margarethe, Werner's widow, at a bar]'' :'''Margarethe''': I knew his work was dangerous. I never imagined such a thing, but... I suppose I try not to. :'''Lalo''': That is terrible. What kind of accident was it? :'''Margarethe''': A cave-in. :'''Lalo''': Cave-in? :'''Margarethe''': He was able to save his men. He got them out, but then... the structure collapsed. :'''Lalo''': So your husband was a hero. :'''Margarethe''': ''[smiles]'' He would never accept that. My Werner was too humble. :'''Lalo''': ...And what were they building there? :'''Margarethe''': My husband didn't talk much about his work. It was very secretive. :'''Lalo''': Oh... I'm sure he must have told you something. :'''Margarethe''': The lawyers came to my house. I asked questions, they wouldn't say much. :'''Lalo''': ''[shakes his head]'' Lawyers. :'''Margarethe''': They went through Werner's things. Took anything that they called, uh... Oh, how do you say it? ''[pause]'' Proprietary? I'm sorry, my English is— :'''Lalo''': Oh, it's excellent. :'''Margarethe''': I didn't care about it. All the boxes of folders, his papers. Why do I need all that stuff? :'''Lalo''': And what about your husband's men? I mean, they must have said something to you. :'''Margarethe''': Werner loved ''deine jungs''—his boys—but I never even met them. :'''Lalo''': What do you mean? Not even at the funeral? :'''Margarethe''': You'd think they would want to pay respect to the man who saved their lives. They sent flowers, keepsakes, and so on... but not one of them showed his face. :'''Lalo''': Wow. That is... ''[sighs]'' It's just not right. === ''[[w:Axe and Grind | Axe and Grind]]'' [6.06] === :''[Casper, one of Werner's former workers, spots Lalo approaching his home while chopping wood]'' :'''Lalo''': ''Guten tag!'' :'''Casper''': ''Guten tag.'' ''[in German]'' This is private property. Who are you looking for? Are you lost? :'''Lalo''': ''[in English]'' Yeah, sorry. I don't speak any German! :'''Casper''': ''[in English]'' Are you lost? :'''Lalo''': It's a beautiful place you have here. The air, it's just so... ''fresh!'' :'''Casper''': ...Do I know you? :'''Lalo''': Well, I don't think we've ''officially'' met- :''[Casper grabs his axe and runs inside a nearby wooden shed while Lalo draws his gun. Lalo searches when he's suddenly dropped by a blow from Casper]'' :'''Casper''': Who are you?! '''''Who are you?!''''' :'''Lalo''': ''[strained]'' Ed-Eduardo... Salamanca! I'm not here for you... This is about Fring. Guh- I want to know... I want to know what he's building. :'''Casper''': How did you find me? :'''Lalo''': Ma- Marga... M-Margarethe Z-Ziegler. :'''Casper''': What have you done to her?! :'''Lalo''': Nothing, nothing. You sent her a gi- a gift. ''[pulls out a business card and shows it to Casper]'' :'''Casper''': ''Was ist das?'' :''[Lalo's hidden a razor blade behind the card. He springs up and cuts Casper's face, then grabs his axe and cuts his foot off]'' :'''Lalo''': ''[cheerfully] Carajo!'' I think you broke one of my ribs! ''[tosses Casper his belt]'' Here. Tie that off... before you bleed to death. ''You and I are gonna have a '''talk.''''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jimmy''': Holy shit! The Jackson Mercer Foundation, that's like... the good housekeeping seal of approval. :'''Kim''': Well, it's not a done deal. Some of the foundation board members are flying in next week to meet the lieutenant governor at a luncheon in Santa Fe, so... they are inviting a select group of people with... Cliff called them, "up-and-coming organizations," and uh... Yeah. Cliff thinks I have a good shot. :'''Jimmy''': A good shot? You have more than a shot! They are gonna love you on sight! :'''Kim''': The only thing is the lunch is on D-Day. :'''Jimmy''': So, what? That's—You don't have to be there on the day! Was Eisenhower on Omaha Beach? No. Kim, this is great, right? It's ''huge!'' :'''Kim''': ...It is pretty great! ''[laughs]'' :'''Jimmy''': Kim, this is fantastic! ''[kisses Kim]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jimmy has Francesca call HHM and pose as a relative of a Sandpiper resident to get details about the upcoming mediation]'' :'''Jimmy''': What is the hold up? :'''Francesca''': I just... I don't know if I'm comfortable. Is this even legal? :'''Jimmy''': I'm sorry, which one of us went to law school? Because I can stand here and go through the ins and outs of what's quote-unquote legal with you, but we're on the clock. :'''Francesca''': I just don't— :'''Jimmy''': Francesca, let's get something straight, okay? We can't be holding a graduate seminar in constitutional law every time I give you something to do. :'''Francesca''': But I—I'm not sure if— :'''Jimmy''': You know what I'm paying you? It is above market. To whom much is given, much is expected! ''[takes out cell phone and starts dialing a number]'' :'''Francesca''': We're not gonna make a habit of this? :'''Jimmy''': Of course not! Absolutely not. No, no, no. ''[gives phone to Francesca]'' Put it on speaker and let me... ''[moves closer]'' :'''HHM Employee #1''': Hamlin Hamlin McGill. :'''Francesca''': Hi... there. I'm calling because my—my mother is... is—Well, I guess she's a—a client of yours. She lives in, uh, Sandpiper Assisted Living. :'''HHM Employee #1''': Sandpiper, of course. Let me transfer you. :'''Jimmy''': ''[to Francesca while she's on hold]'' It's just a phone call. :'''HHM Employee #2''': Good afternoon. Do you have a question about the Sandpiper case? :'''Francesca''': ''[waits for Jimmy to nod]'' Yes. My mother's out of the facility in Amarillo. Says she's supposed to call in to some meeting on Thursday? :'''HHM Employee #2''': Yes, you're talking about the mediation? :'''Francesca''': That's it. The thing is, she's lost her dial-in instructions. ''[sighs nervously]'' I'm just looking everywhere and can't find them. :'''HHM Employee #2''': I'd be happy to help you with that. It's very important to us that all the class members are fully looked in. What's your mother's name? :'''Francesca''': ''[Tells name mouthed by Jimmy]'' Uh, Marnie Stuber. ''[watches Jimmy form the letters as she spells aloud]'' That's–that's S-T-U-B-E-R. ''[sighs nervously again when Jimmy forces her to smile]'' Oh, bless your heart. She'll be so relieved! :'''HHM Employee #2''': Okay, it's very simple. The meeting is happening at our offices. So she just has to call the main line—the same number you called just now—press 7, and then enter the passcode. I can give that to you now. Do you have a pen? :'''Francesca''': Uh... ''[Jimmy quickly takes out a pen]'' Y–yeah, I'm ready. :'''HHM Employee #2''': Okay. It's 8-4-2-1-5-9. ''[Jimmy writes the numbers on his hand]'' :'''Francesca''': 8-4-2-1-5-9? :'''HHM Employee #2''': That's right. :'''Francesca''': Okay! Uh, thank you so much. Really appreciate it. :'''HHM Employee #2''': Of course, take care. :'''Jimmy''': ''[hangs up immediately]'' Was that so hard? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jimmy sees the real Rand Casimiro at a liquor store wearing a cast that was not shown in the fake photos he shot earlier. He bolts out of there and gets in his car before being seen by the judge.]'' :'''Jimmy''': FUCK! ''[bangs on steering wheel and chuckles nervously before dialing Kim on his cell phone]'' :''[Cut to Kim driving on the highway to Santa Fe.]'' :'''Kim''': "Ultimately, it's about equal justice, a system that works for everyone. A justice system that works for everyone, and what is more important than that?" ''[hears phone ringing and answers it]'' Hey, Jimmy. :'''Jimmy''': Flag on the play! You're not gonna believe this, but I just ran into Casimiro—the real one. :'''Kim''': Oh, God. :'''Jimmy''': Yeah, and before you ask, he didn't shave his mustache. ''He broke his arm.'' :'''Kim''': Are you serious? :'''Jimmy''': The guy has a giant cast on his left arm! And I checked all the pictures and you can see his arm in every single one of them! No cast, clear as day! :'''Kim''': Shit! SHIT! :'''Jimmy''': I KNOW! I '''KNOW!''' Uh... But, hey. Hey, hey, look at it this way: If I hadn't seen him... I mean, that would've really—that really could've sunk us. Right? So, we're gonna pull the plug and we are going to live to fight another day. :'''Kim''': ...What other day? :'''Jimmy''': Well, we'll figure it out. I promise, okay? So, just go. Just do your thing in Santa Fe, and we'll regroup when you get home tonight. ''[beat; Kim says nothing]'' Kim? Kim, you still there? :'''Kim''': Yes. :'''Jimmy''': Did you hear what I said? :'''Kim''': ''[pause]'' It happens today. :''[Kim quickly turns around and starts driving back to Albuquerque.]'' === ''[[w:Plan and Execution | Plan and Execution]]'' [6.07] === :''[An intern at HHM, Cary, drops soda cans when he sees Howard setting up the conference room for the Sandpiper mediation]'' :'''Cary''': Uh, excuse me, Mr. Hamlin! I-I was told I should restock the fridge before the meeting. :'''Howard''': No worries. Here, let me give you a hand. :'''Cary''': Thank you! :'''Howard''': Uh, you're... Gary? :'''Cary''': Cary! Anderson. :'''Howard''': Mm... of course. Cary. ''[sees Cary stocking the fridge with the dropped cans]'' Cary, what happens when you drop or shake a can of soda? :'''Cary''': ...Right. ''[mimes explosion]'' I'm sorry, I'm, uh... :'''Howard''': Here, let me show you a little trick. ''[picks up and spins a soda can]'' Something about the centrifugal force pulls the bubbles from the inside of the can, stops it from exploding. Don't want our clients to get a surprise now, do we? :'''Cary''': That works? :''[Howard opens the can without incident and takes a sip]'' :'''Cary''': Alright! :'''Howard''': You know who taught me that trick? ''[points at the picture of Chuck in the conference room]'' He used to do it. Had a habit - anytime he opened a can, almost unconsciously. I asked him about it once... just his way of being prepared for anything, accidental or otherwise. :'''Cary''': Um, I'm sorry, I'm... kinda new here. I- I have to ask, who is that? :'''Howard''': Charles McGill. The "M" in HHM. Greatest legal mind I ever knew. :'''Cary''': Wow! I hope someone says that about me someday. :'''Howard''': Well... maybe there are more important things. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Howard, Cliff, and the rest of the parties in the Sandpiper mediation are in the HHM conference room; Rand Casimiro is seated at the head of the table; Jimmy and Kim listen in on the meeting through a disposable cell phone in Saul Goodman's office]'' :'''Rand Casimiro:''' Hello. I know we're all anxious to get things started but you'll have to suffer through my traditional spiel, unfortunately. My name is Rand Casimiro, and I am your mediator for these proceedings. Now, I'm happy to be here. But at the end, hopefully all of you in the room and those listening from various locations ''won't'' be happy with me. And why do I say that? Because the best solutions mean compromise. It's compromise from both sides. That's my goal. But as my wife always says, compromising doesn't mean I'm right and she's wrong. ''[chuckles]'' So, let us move forward— :'''Howard:''' ''Hmph.'' :''[Everyone in the conference room turns to Howard]'' :'''Cliff:''' ...Howard? :'''Howard:''' I-I'm... Wow. ''[pause]'' I'm... I'm sorry. I don't think we can proceed with these negotiations today. :'''Rich:''' Why not? :'''Howard:''' Well, let's just say, circumstances beyond any of our control. :'''Rich:''' Well, I'm going to have to insist that you be more specific. :'''Howard:''' Well, our mediator here keeps using the word "compromise" when ''he'', in fact, is compromised. :'''Casimiro:''' I beg your pardon? :'''Howard:''' I think you heard me. :'''Cliff:''' Howard...? :'''Howard:''' You drive a silver Miata, correct? :'''Casimiro:''' I do. :'''Howard:''' And this morning, around 7 a.m., you walked across Trumbull Park in town? :'''Casimiro:''' No. :'''Howard:''' You didn't stop at the park this morning? :'''Casimiro:''' I didn't. I got to Albuquerque early, not at 7 a.m. And I didn't go to a park. :'''Howard:''' You sure? :'''Cliff:''' Howard, if the judge says he's sure, then I&ndash; :'''Casimiro:''' Of course I'm sure! If it matters, I arrived in town about ten, I stopped at a gas station, I went by a liquor store and bought a gift. I had a lunch salad and a very nice latté from the Flying Star on Menaul. I read ''[[w:Barron's_(newspaper)|Barron's]]''. Then came here. :'''Howard:''' ''Mmmm''. So you weren't in town to visit our mutual acquaintance, James Morgan McGill? Or maybe you know him as "Saul Goodman". :'''Casimiro:''' I don't know anyone by either of those names. :'''Howard:''' Okay. You want to go that way? ''[to his secretary]'' Julie, go to my desk, please. There's an envelope with photos. Bring it to me quickly. :'''Julie:''' Oh. Okay. ''[leaves]'' :'''Cliff:''' Howard, can we have a sidebar&ndash;? :'''Casimiro:''' I'm sorry. These photos &ndash; these are photos of me? :'''Howard:''' They show exactly what I'm describing. :'''Casimiro:''' You were following me? :'''Howard:''' I had a private investigator following Jimmy McGill. You were photographed receiving what I estimate to be a $20,000 payoff this morning in the park. :'''Rich:''' I-I'm sorry. I'm sorry. This is just&ndash; ''[sighs; to Howard]'' You recommended this judge as a mediator and we agreed. And now... ''Jimmy?'' Jimmy McGill &ndash; who originated this suit &ndash; is ''what?'' :'''Howard:''' A-admittedly, it all sounds a bit baroque. But when you see the photos, things will be clearer. :'''Casimiro:''' Well, I'm looking forward to that. :''[long pause; Julie enters the room with the envelope]'' :'''Julie:''' I have the pictures, Mr. Hamlin. :'''Howard:''' Thank you, Julie. ''[opens the envelope]'' And now, take a look. :''[Howard looks at the photos with Cliff, Schweikart, Casimiro, Irene and Julie looking behind him. Instead of an actor dressed as Casimiro as he had seen earlier, the photos show Jimmy sitting at a park bench exchanging a frisbee with the Sound Guy, dressed as a jogger]'' :'''Casimiro:''' ...Is that supposed to be ''me''? :'''Howard:''' I, uh... This is... This is not... Julie, you got the wrong envelope. :'''Julie:''' That was the only one on your desk. :'''Howard:''' Look again! :''[Julie leaves]'' :'''Howard:''' They-they've been switched. Somehow he switched them. :'''Cliff:''' Howard... :'''Howard:''' No. Jimmy &ndash; he snuck in somehow, and these are not the pictures I saw. :''[Howard turns to Erin, who notices that his pupils are now dilated]'' :'''Erin:''' Mr. Hamlin, are you all right? Your eyes... :'''Howard:''' ''[agitated]'' I am fine! This is all something that will be sorted out, I am confident! :''[Cliff rises and guides Howard out of his seat]'' :'''Cliff:''' I think a recess is in order. :'''Howard:''' Nobody move! Evidence has been tampered with! :'''Cliff:''' Now Howard, please! :''[Howard and Cliff leave the conference room. Everyone left behind is stunned silent]'' :'''Irene:''' ...Is this how these usually go? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cliff confronts Howard in his office after the fiasco in the conference room]'' :'''Howard:''' Cliff? Is that you? I'm not crazy, and I'm not on drugs. Please, come in. Now somehow, some way, that son of a bitch gave me something that dilated my pupils. I-I don't know what. But it's wearing off already, look. ''[gestures toward his eyes]'' :'''Cliff:''' You say that Jimmy McGill drugged you? How is that possible? :'''Howard:''' The-the photos. They were wet with... ''something''. :'''Cliff:''' The missing photos. :'''Howard:''' Yeah. My P.I., Genidowski, had to have been in on it. He-he must have shown me one set of photos and then switched them after I left the office. :'''Cliff:''' Howard... :'''Howard:''' Three weeks ago, Julie got a call from our detective agency. They wanted to update their contact info, so of course she changed the number in the system. But it turns out, it wasn't them. That was Jimmy. So when I needed an investigator to follow Jimmy, I called his fake number and his fake man. She just dialed the old number and, of course, got the actual agency. And, no surprise, no one by the name of Genidowski had ever worked there. I hired a con man. I got played. Every step of the way. I know what it sounds like, but you have to believe me. :'''Cliff:''' I... It doesn't matter. Rich went back to the previous offer. I'll give a recommend to the class that we take it. :'''Howard:''' No. No way. We do not let Jimmy win this. :'''Cliff:''' Why would Jimmy even do this? He's a profit participant! This means less money for him! :'''Howard:''' Because he's a child! He wants his money now! He begged me months ago to settle! You know what he does! :'''Cliff:''' Whatever the truth is, we'll never get back to where we were before mediation. We have to settle. :'''Howard:''' I'm lead attorney. And I won't sanction that decision. :'''Cliff:''' Then I'm obligated to go to the partners and explain everything I've seen &ndash; all of it. You think you're gonna be able to convince them it was all Jimmy McGill? :'''Howard:''' ...Okay then. We go to trial. Cliff, this case is incredibly strong. I put this thing in front of a jury, then everything will&ndash; :'''Cliff:''' I'm not thinking about you, Howard. I'm not thinking about Jimmy. I'm thinking about the time, the expense, the uncertainty. I'm thinking about our clients! :''[Howard bows his head in defeat.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lalo records a video message for Eladio while he's hiding in the sewers surveilling Gus' laundromat. The dialogue switches between Spanish and English.]'' :'''Lalo''': Don Eladio. Guess who? It's Lalo, I'm alive! ''[chuckles]'' I'm here in beautiful downtown Albuquerque. ''[pans the camera around his belongings]'' Been here... four nights? Now, you may be asking, "What am I doing down in this shithole?" Well, [[w:Axe and Grind|a little Croatian bird told me a secret]]. Eh, he put up a hell of a fight, but he told me. Look. ''[points the camera at his target, Lavanderia Brilliante]'' See that? Right there... Fring's secret. Now, I've been watching and Fring hides his guards very well, but they're there, dressed like laundry workers. ''[zooms in on one "worker"]'' See? That's one there. They're hiding guns under the uniforms, but I see. I have a pretty good idea of what I'm up against. ''[points the camera back at himself]'' I can tell you what's in there. A big hole where a German engineer, Werner Ziegler, designed the perfect place to hide the... ''[in English]'' "mother of all meth labs." ''[in Spanish]'' Well, that's my story. And Fring? Fring will have his story, a good one, and Bolsa will back him because he's an... ''[in English]'' "earner." ''[in Spanish]'' So tonight, I go in... kill all the guards and show you the proof. And then? You decide... ''Adios.'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jimmy and Kim are watching a movie in Kim's apartment when they hear a knock at the door. It's revealed to be Howard, disheveled and holding a bottle of Macallan scotch whisky.]'' :'''Howard:''' Can I come in? :'''Jimmy:''' Yeah. Come on. :'''Howard:''' Kim. :'''Kim:''' Howard. You doing okay? :'''Howard:''' I'm fine. Sorry to interrupt this, but I brought you a gift. :'''Jimmy:''' A gift? What's the occasion? :'''Howard:''' Your brother and I, we always had a meeting with Mr. Macallan after a big victory. Usually some brilliant summation by Chuck, that goes without saying. So this, this is for you. You earned it. You won. :'''Jimmy:''' Won? Uh, what did I win? :'''Howard:''' ''[pause]'' I get it. Of course you both have to play it this way. You're both so very good at it. :'''Kim:''' It's late, Howard. Do you want to tell us what this is about? :'''Howard:''' I was wondering that too. ''[walks to the kitchen]'' What it's all about. I mean, what do you tell yourselves? What justification makes it okay? "Howard's such an asshole that he deserves it?" ''[offers two glasses to Jimmy and Kim]'' :'''Jimmy:''' We're good. :'''Howard:''' So, what is it? I sided with Chuck too often? ''[points to Kim]'' I took away your office, put you in doc review? All of the above? Howard's daddy helped him get to the top, but you both had to struggle. "Howie has so much and we have so little, let's take him down a peg or two." What allows you to do this to me? Because this isn't just a prank. No. This goes beyond [[w:Namaste (Better Call Saul)|throwing bowling balls on my car]]. This took planning, coordination. I mean, how many weeks? Or-or-or was it months? It couldn't have been easy. So tell me, why? Why go through this elaborate plot just to burn me to the ground? :'''Jimmy:''' "Burn you to the ground?" Howard, come on. Y-you'll be fine. You always land on your feet. :'''Howard:''' Yeah, sure. The Sandpiper settlement—HHM's share will be substantial, absolutely. Even though I humiliated myself. And my clients and peers will whisper that Howard Hamlin's a drug addict. You're right. I've worked my way through worse. Debt. Depression. My marriage falling apart. :''[Jimmy blinks in surprise. He and Kim exchange looks]'' :'''Howard:''' Oh, yeah. Been sleeping in the guest house for the better part of a year. Just one more thing that good ol' Howard has to work through. But yes, I will land on my feet. I will be okay. But you? Far from it. You two... you two are soulless. Jimmy, you can't help yourself. Chuck knew it. You were ''born'' that way. ''[to Kim]'' But you—one of the smartest and most promising human beings I've ever known, and ''this'' is the life you choose. :'''Jimmy:''' Alright, you're too tight to drive, I'm calling a cab— :'''Howard:''' Oh good, phony compassion. And you know what? Very, very believable. But I'm far from done. :'''Kim:''' Oh no no no. You are done, Howard. Sorry, but you need to stop this now and you need to go home. :'''Howard:''' You're perfect for each other. You have a piece missing. I-I-I thought you did it for the money, but it-it—Now it's so clear. Screw the money, you did it for fun! You get off on it! You're like [[w:Leopold and Loeb|Leopold and Loeb]], two sociopaths— :'''Jimmy:''' Alright, that's enough. :'''Howard:''' Oh, you know it's true, you just don't have the guts to admit it. :'''Kim:''' Great. Now you need to go. :'''Howard:''' I'm gonna make it clear to everyone, because I'm going to dedicate my life to making sure that everybody knows the truth. Believe it. You can't hide who you really are forever. :''[Jimmy reflexively shields Kim as Lalo Salamanca enters the room; Jimmy is stunned]'' :'''Jimmy:''' How... :''[Howard turns around and see Lalo, who non-chalantly stands next to him]'' :'''Kim:''' H-Howard... Howard. Howard, you need to leave. :'''Howard:''' ''[to Lalo]'' Who are you? :'''Lalo:''' Me? Nobody. I just need to talk to my lawyers. :'''Howard:''' ''[scoffs]'' Oh, is that right? You want some advice? Find better lawyers. :'''Kim:''' Howard, please j-just... just... just turn around— :'''Lalo:''' No, no, no, no, no. Take your time. :'''Howard:''' ''[to Kim]'' What's this about? :''[Lalo calmly takes a pistol out of his pocket and screws a silencer onto the muzzle]'' :'''Kim:''' ''[to Lalo]'' Please... please, just tell us what you want. :'''Lalo:''' ''[shrugs]'' Like I said. To talk. :'''Howard:''' I, uh... I think I'm in the middle of something, uh... There's really no need to— :''[Lalo puts the gun to Howard's head and pulls the trigger; Howard falls onto the floor, killed instantly. Jimmy and Kim scream.]'' :'''Kim:''' ''Oh my God!'' :'''Jimmy:''' ''Please, no!'' :'''Kim:''' ''Oh my God!'' :'''Jimmy:''' ''No! No!'' :'''Lalo:''' ''[holds out his hand to quiet them down]'' ''Shhhh, shhhh, shhhh, shhhh, shhhh.'' Okay. Let's talk. === ''[[w:Point and Shoot (Better Call Saul) | Point and Shoot]]'' [6.08] === :''[Jimmy and Kim are cowering in terror when Lalo forces them to sit on their couch]'' :'''Jimmy''': I never turned on you. I didn't. I only worked for you in the desert. I was on your side the whole time. :'''Lalo''': Shhh. ''[motions for Jimmy to sit down with his gun]'' I don't care. You two... ''[chuckles; shakes his head]'' God, you two and your mouths! ''Dios mío!'' Now, ''you listen.'' ''[tosses car keys to Jimmy]'' My car's downstairs. Press the clicker, and you'll find it. This... ''[holds up small piece of paper]'' is where you are going. Don't speed, don't weave, don't cut anyone off. Just, you know, drive nice. From here, ''[checks watch]'' at this hour... I'd take 40 east, get off at Carlisle, take the third left. The rest I drew a little map for you on the back. It's not hard. So... big white brick house with a solid black door. You can't miss it. It's right at the end of the T. Park a little down the street and not up front. It's a quiet neighborhood, so you'll have plenty of options. Stating the obvious here maybe, but... turn the car off, right? So, in the glove compartment, I left you a present. There's a camera and there's a gun. And you're gonna need both. :'''Jimmy''': A gun? :'''Lalo''': Yeah, yeah, yeah. But don't worry. I mean, it's–it's easy. It's a revolver. It's already loaded, no safety—it's idiot proof. So, you go up to that house, you walk right up to that black door. Don't run. Just be casual like a stroll, you know? Keep the gun somewhere behind you where they can't see it. You ring the bell, you count to three, you step back. They look through the peephole, you're as innocent as can be. Door opens, you point... and you shoot. And you keep on pulling that trigger until it's empty. ''[pause]'' Simple. :'''Jimmy''': You–you want me to—?! :'''Lalo''': I know, I know. ''[casually nudges Howard's dead body with his foot]'' You're a lawyer, and you're not a killer. But look, you can do this, okay? This guy, he's a housecat! Black, medium height, short hair, glasses! He kinda looks like a librarian... but don't be fooled. Even a housecat can scratch. So, that's it. Hard part's over. Now, you pull out the camera. Same principle as the gun: Point and shoot. Take a picture. One where I can see the face ''clearly''... and then you bring it back here where, me and Mrs. Goodman will be waiting for you. And then you're done! I'd say it's about a twenty minute drive over there... ''[Jimmy looks nervously at Kim]'' twenty minutes back. Maybe ten minutes to do the job. Let's go with an hour altogether. So, you're back here in an hour, or— :''[Jimmy forcibly turns on the Saul Goodman charm]'' :'''Jimmy''': Send her. :'''Kim''': ...What?! :'''Jimmy''': She should do it. :'''Kim''': Jimmy... :'''Lalo''': ''[pause]'' Why her? :'''Kim''': ''[whispers to Jimmy]'' Don't do this. :'''Jimmy''': This guy, the–the housecat. :'''Kim''': Jimmy, please. :'''Jimmy''': He looks through his peephole... :'''Kim''': ''Please.'' :'''Jimmy''': ...in the middle of the night, and he sees me? "Who's this asshole? What's he doing?" Maybe–maybe he gets ''his'' gun, maybe he calls the cops. Either way, that door stays shut. But he sees a woman... :'''Kim''': No. :'''Jimmy''': ...she looks like she's in distress. Maybe her car broke down. ''[chuckles]'' I mean, you'd open the door for her, wouldn't you? :'''Kim''': Stop! Stop! :'''Lalo''': Yeah, but... she's really clever. I don't know if she's gonna stick to the plan. :'''Jimmy''': She will. :'''Kim''': No, no, no. :'''Jimmy''': No cops. You know she will. :'''Kim''': No. No, this... This doesn't even make any sense! I–I–I've never shot a gun before! I've never even held one! :'''Jimmy''': Like I have. :'''Kim''': Jimmy, what are you doing?! :'''Jimmy''': ''[to Lalo while pointing at Kim]'' You know she's the best choice. :'''Kim''': No, I'm not! I don't—I can't! I can't do it! :'''Jimmy''': ''[to Lalo]'' She can do it. You know she can do it! :'''Kim''': No! Jimmy, I'll stay! Stop! Just stop! :'''Jimmy''': You know I'm right! Listen! :'''Kim''': Stop it! Shut up! :'''Jimmy''': Listen! :'''Kim''': SHUT UP! :'''Lalo''': ''[rolls his eyes]'' Oh, my God! Okay, fine! Yeah, heard! Whatever. Give her the keys, give her the address, let's go. ''[walks toward the front door]'' :'''Kim''': ''[to Jimmy]'' No. Don't... Don't. :'''Jimmy''': You... you gotta go. :'''Kim''': ''[softly]'' Don't do this. :'''Jimmy''': Come on. Hey... ''[whispering]'' Let's go. :''[Kim reluctantly gets up and is about to leave the apartment when Lalo stops her]'' :'''Lalo''': Hold on. ''[pause; Kim looks at him]'' You're gonna need your shoes, right? :''[Kim stares at Jimmy while she puts her shoes on]'' :'''Lalo''': There you go! Okay, ''[looks at watch]'' so one hour starting... now. Clock's ticking, Mrs. Goodman. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lalo ties Jimmy to a chair while interrogating him about the assassination attempt at his hacienda]'' :'''Lalo''': You know, after I saw you last, I went home. My home. ''Mi cielito lindo''... And you know what happened? Men came. Armed men, in the middle of the night. To my home. Trying to get to me. And you know what they did? They killed people I care about. They killed my cook. My gardener. A seventeen-year-old kid I knew since he was knee-high, never hurt a fly. Butchered my housekeeper, Yolanda. ''Una viejita, cabrón.'' They shot her in the back. :'''Jimmy''': ...I'm sorry. :'''Lalo''': Now, how did these men... get into my home? Do you know? :'''Jimmy''': I... I have–I have no idea. :'''Lalo''': Ignacio Varga. ''He'' let them in. And who did Ignacio introduce me to? ''[taps Jimmy's head]'' You. :'''Jimmy''': Ignacio... Nacho? ''[brief pause]'' Whoa, whoa, whoa! I–I barely know Ignacio! Whatever he did, he did alone! Not with me! Listen, you gotta believe me! Hand to God, I had no part in this—it wasn't me! ''It was '''Igna—''''' :''[Lalo sneaks up from behind and gags Jimmy with a rolled-up shirt]'' :'''Jimmy''': ''[through the gag]'' Ignacio! It's not me! Listen, listen! I–I don't know about... :'''Lalo''': Save it. ''[looks Jimmy in the eyes]'' I'm gonna come back. And then you... are gonna tell me ''the whole story.'' :''[Lalo presses play on the movie Jimmy and Kim were watching earlier and turns up the volume. He picks up Jimmy's car keys by the front door.]'' :'''Lalo''': Ford Taurus... taupe? ''[rolls eyes and shakes his head before leaving the apartment]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mike disarms Kim and forces her inside Gus' house before she can shoot. Gus watches Mike question her through surveillance monitors at his neighbors' residence.]'' :'''Kim''': What are you doing?! I–I have to go! I have to—No, wait! :'''Mike''': Ms. Wexler, I'd like you to sit down. :'''Kim''': He'll–He'll kill him! You have to... You— :'''Mike''': Now, sit there and be calm! :'''Kim''': No, I have to get back! ''I have to get back!'' :'''Mike''': ''[restrains Kim and forces her back down]'' Sit ''still''... and stay calm. Now, if you take a deep breath—a ''deep'' breath—nothing's gonna happen here until you calm yourself. Alright? Now, who is killing who? :'''Kim''': Lalo Salamanca! Lalo is going to kill Jimmy! ''[Mike looks shocked]'' He's there! He–he is there with Jimmy now! :'''Mike''': Salamanca is at your apartment?! :'''Kim''': Yes! He sent ''me!'' He–he wanted to send Jimmy, but then he sent me. :'''Mike''': To do what exactly?! ''[pause; Kim hyperventilates]'' Ms. Wexler, you stay with me! What were you supposed to do here? :'''Kim''': ''[beat; points at a man who looks identical to Gus]'' Shoot him. I'm–I'm supposed to shoot him, and then take a photo, and then get back. That's it. I only have twenty minutes left! Please! ''[Mike quickly looks and nods at one of his guys]'' He is ''alone'' with him! :'''Mike''': Alright, stay put. We'll handle this. We ''will'' handle this. ''[to Victor]'' You call Tyrus. Get him to the condo ''now.'' :'''Kim''': You said you were watching us! WHERE WERE YOU?! HUH?! ''[Mike leaves]'' '''WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?!''' :''[Kim tries to get up, but Victor stands in her way and forces her to sit down again]'' :'''Victor''': You heard what the man said. :''[Mike walks through the corridor connecting the two homes and reports to Gus.]'' :'''Mike''': You heard all that? ''[Gus nods]'' Alright. You hunker down here. ''[to two bodyguards]'' You two, you stay with him. A dog barks too loud, you are on the phone with me. ''[to Arthur and Tyrus]'' You two, come with me. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After growing restless over Lalo's whereabouts, Gus calls Victor and asks him to speak to Kim about Lalo]'' :'''Gus''': Why did Lalo send you? :'''Kim''': Who is this? :'''Victor''': Answer him. ''[points behind him]'' :'''Kim''': ''[pause]'' He didn't want to send me. Not at first. He wanted to send my husband... but my husband talked him out of it because he wanted to get me out of there. :'''Gus''': He... talked Lalo out of it? :'''Kim''': That's right. ''[pause]'' Now that I've told you everything I know, please tell me. Tell me who— :''[Gus hangs up the phone and looks at his bodyguards]'' :'''Gus''': Come with me. Both of you. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lalo records another video message for Don Eladio while holding Gus at gunpoint at the laundromat. The dialogue is in Spanish.]'' :'''Lalo:''' Don Eladio, look who we have here. The one and only Gustavo Fring. ''[chuckles]'' And wearing body armor! Too bad they don't make armor for your head, eh? Now we're gonna take a little walk and show you around. ''Vamanos''. ''[clicks tongue]'' Don, I would've liked it if we didn't have to rush this so much. We could sit by your pool... strip this snake's skin off, inch by inch. Take our time, have some fun. But he shows up now... who am I to look a gift horse in the mouth? :''[Gus stops in front of a large washing machine.]'' :'''Lalo:''' A big machine hides a big secret. We have about... thirteen minutes until his bald ''gringo'' gets here with the cavalry, so Gustavo is going to have to give us the nickel tour. ''[beat; shoots Gus in the chest]'' Like I was saying, Gustavo is going to show us around. :''[Gus walks around and pushes a button, which opens the secret passage to the underground meth lab]'' :'''Lalo:''' ''Ha!'' Magnificent! I had a bathtub that did this, but... credit where credit is due, this is better. ''[laughs]'' ''Hijo de puta''. :''[Gus leads Lalo down a ladder and turns on the lights]'' :'''Lalo:''' ''[chuckles; in English]'' Okay. Drumroll, please. ''D-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r''... Ta-da! ''[laughs]'' ''Cadenza de wow'', no? ''[in Spanish]'' Don Eladio, I've heard some stories about this place. It took a bunch of German engineers ten months to build all of this. They used two hundred pounds of high explosive. Dug out 120,000 cubic meters of dirt and rock. And all... without disturbing the laundry up there. In the middle of a city with a million people! That's pretty badass, right? :''[Gus trips and falls to the ground when Lalo pushes his pistol against his back]'' :'''Lalo''': One moment, Don. ''[puts the camcorder between his teeth as he switches the magazines of his pistol]'' Think of the laboratory you could put here, Don Eladio. ''Eh?'' How much meth you could make... that was his plan. Cut you out to become boss. And now here we are, in this big hole! ''[cackles]'' Gustavo thought he was building an empire, but all he built himself was a tomb. :'''Gus:''' You can't kill me. :'''Lalo:''' Why not? :'''Gus:''' I haven't told that fat pig Eladio what I think of him yet. :'''Lalo:''' ''Hoo-hoo!'' Perfect! You've got one minute. :'''Gus:''' Eladio... you greasy, bloated pimp. You talk of honor. But you have none. A pack of stray dogs fighting for scraps has more honor. Jackals. That's all you are! No vision. No patience. No thought. Stupid and impulsive! That is how I did all this. You couldn't see it, couldn't even conceive of it. And you Salamancas... you're the worst vermin of all. You say you believe in "blood for blood" but you only understand blood for money! You're whores! ''[in English]'' I understand blood for blood. Hector? Yeah, I kept him alive. Kept him broken. I will save him to the last. Before he dies, he will know... '''''I''' buried every one of you.'' :'''Lalo:''' ''[sniggers]'' Big talk. You done? :'''Gus:''' No. Not yet. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jimmy:''' Lalo said he was coming back. :'''Mike:''' He's not coming. :'''Jimmy:''' No, he said he was, he told me— :'''Mike:''' You understand me? He is ''not coming back.'' Let's sit. ''[pause; Jimmy and Kim remain standing]'' '''''SIT.''''' :''[Jimmy and Kim sit at the foot of their bed; Mike stands in front of them.]'' :'''Mike:''' Alright. Here's what's gonna happen: In a few days, Howard Hamlin's car will be found several states away by the water. The odometer will have rolled to the exact number of miles it took to get there. There will be cocaine in the upholstery. That was the story you were setting up for this guy, yeah? They'll call it a suicide, hoping the body will come washing up. It never will. At some point, you're gonna hear about it. Someone calls you, someone at the courthouse mentions it—the moment that happens—you call the cops. His car was here for hours last night. Good chance somebody noticed it. That means you are the last people to see him alive. Cops are gonna want to hear from you. You tell the cops you saw him—he came here, seemed like maybe he was chemically altered, didn't make a lick of sense. Then he left, that's all you know. You keep telling the lie you've been telling. Now, Ms. Wexler tells me she has court at ten. What's on your docket? ''[Jimmy doesn't answer]'' Hey. ''Listen.'' Where do you need to be? :'''Jimmy:''' Uh, office. At my office. Clients start showing up around 9:30. ''Oh'', my car is gone. :'''Mike:''' No. It's on the way home, you'll have it when you need it. So you two are going to go about your day—normal, same as ever. Today, you're Meryl Streep and Laurence Olivier. No staring into space, nothing out of the ordinary, you ''cover.'' Anybody talks to you, it's just another day that ends in Y, that's all. When you get home, we'll be gone and everything will be back the way it was. Now, I need to impress upon you: none of this ever happened. None of it. Understand? Say it out loud, I need to hear it. :'''Jimmy:''' ...I understand. :'''Kim:''' ...It never happened. === ''[[w:Fun and Games (Better Call Saul) | Fun and Games]]'' [6.09] === :'''Jimmy''': One day, we'll... We'll wake up, and brush our teeth, and we'll go to work. And at some point, we'll suddenly realize... [[w:Bad Choice Road | that we hadn't thought about it at all. None of it]]. ''[pause]'' And that's when we'll know. We'll know we can forget. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Gus meets with Don Eladio, Juan Bolsa, and the Salamancas late at night. The dialogue is in Spanish.]'' :'''Eladio''': Don Hector has made a very serious accusation. :''[One of the Cousins hands a letter to Don Juan]'' :'''Bolsa''': These are Don Hector's words. Dictated to Leonel and Marco, letter by letter. "The assault on my nephew's hacienda failed. Lalo fought the assassins and won. The day after the attack, Lalo called me. I heard the truth from his own lips. It was Fring who sent the mercenaries, not the Peruvians. We kept Lalo's survival a secret. My nephew was about to take his revenge on the traitor, face-to-face. Instead, he disappeared. It is the Chicken Man's doing. Don Eladio, look into Fring's eyes. There you will see the truth. The Chicken Man hates you. He is our enemy. He plots against us. I demand blood for blood." :''[Bolsa folds the letter and sits back down]'' :'''Eladio''': Well, Gustavo? :'''Gus''': ''[pause]'' I have no response. :'''Bolsa''': Gustavo, you must speak. Have you no defense? :'''Gus''': With all due respect, I don't believe this merits a response. :'''Eladio''': Did you witness these phone calls from Lalo? ''[Leonel and Marco shake their heads]'' I was told you saw Lalo's body. :'''Leonel''': Yes. :'''Marco''': It was burned. :'''Eladio''': Didn't the ''federales'' check the teeth? :'''Bolsa''': Yes, Don Eladio. My brother tells me the dental records matched. :'''Eladio''': And that rat, Varga... What did he say before he died? :'''Bolsa''': He said he was in the pay of the Peruvians, Los Odios. We know he took their money, we found bank statements. :'''Eladio''': ''[beat; looks at his watch]'' Well... It's late. Don Hector... Since you've come a long way, tonight you sleep in my bed. ''[Hector angrily rings his bell repeatedly in protest]'' No, I insist. No arguing. I'm giving you my room. Very comfortable. And who knows? Maybe a couple of the girls will come to visit! ''[pause; Hector continues ringing his bell]'' Please. ''[Leonel and Marco carry Hector by his wheelchair and leave]'' Good night, Hector. Sleep well. ''[to Gus]'' I'd invite you to stay as well, Gustavo, but... I don't want my breakfast ruined by all the... ''[mocks Hector ringing his bell and laughs]'' Ay-yay-yay. ''[beat]'' The peace must be kept. What do you suggest? :'''Gus''': I wouldn't presume. :'''Eladio''': The South Valley will stay Salamanca territory. And the rest of the North, that'll be for you to manage. Working under Bolsa. :'''Bolsa''': Thank you, Don Eladio. :'''Gus''': ''[rises with Eladio out of his chair]'' Thank you. Your trust means everything, Don Eladio. :'''Eladio''': ''Bueno.'' Gustavo... ''[long pause]'' When I looked into your eyes... Hate. A little bit's okay. As long as you never forget who's boss. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mike meets with Nacho's father outside his shop to let him know about Nacho's fate]'' :'''Manuel''': Who are you? :'''Mike''': It's not important. :'''Manuel''': I saw you here before. [[w:Cobbler (Better Call Saul)|Chrysler Fifth Avenue]]. What about my son? :'''Mike''': I'm sorry, he won't be found. ''[pause]'' It was over fast. No pain. :'''Manuel''': You were there? :'''Mike''': I was there. Your son made some mistakes, he fell in with bad people... but he was never like them. Not really. He had a good heart. One more thing: you won't have to worry about the Salamancas. Their day is coming. There'll be justice. :'''Manuel''': Justice? :'''Mike''': I'm sorry, my Spanish - j-''justicia.'' Justice. :'''Manuel''': ''[sighs]'' What you talk about... is not justice. What you talk of is... ''revenge.'' It never ends... my boy is gone. ''[scoffs, speaks in Spanish]'' You gangsters and your "justice." You're all the same. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jimmy and Kim approach Cliff and Howard's widow, Cheryl, at a memorial reception in the offices of HHM.]'' :'''Kim:''' Cliff. :'''Cliff:''' Kim, Jimmy. :'''Cheryl:''' Kim, hi. :''[Jimmy extends his hand to Cheryl; she doesn't take it]'' :'''Jimmy:''' Hi, Cheryl. I'm Jimmy McGill. You may not remember me. I'm Chuck McGill's brother. :'''Cheryl:''' Of course. :'''Jimmy:''' Very sorry for your loss. ''[sighs]'' :'''Kim:''' Cheryl, I'm so sorry. I can't even imagine what you must be going through. If Jimmy and I can do anything for you or your family, please just say the word. :''[Jimmy and Kim are about to walk away]'' :'''Cheryl:''' There is something, actually. You two were the last ones to see him, weren't you? :'''Kim:''' Um... :'''Jimmy:''' I guess so. Uh, that's what the police said. :'''Cheryl:''' Howard told me that you were harassing him, playing elaborate pranks of some sort. That you wouldn't leave him alone. :'''Jimmy:''' I know he thought that. He—he—he told me as well. Um, I think he honestly believed it. :'''Cheryl:''' But you're denying it. :'''Jimmy:''' ''[pauses]'' You know what, I didn't leave here under the best terms. The past few years, I could have been more considerate to Howard instead of yitzing him every chance I got. I guess, uh, there was a certain amount of jealousy on my part because Howard had the, uh, respect of my brother. Which I never did. ''[Jimmy steps away]'' :'''Cheryl:''' Tell me what you told the police. :'''Jimmy:''' ''[pauses]'' Okay, um... Well, I mean, it was 11pm. Howard started pounding on our door. He was very upset, going on about something, um, he thought was my fault, uh... Guess it had to do with the Sandpiper case. But I—I couldn't make head or tail out of it. We tried to calm him down. But... he just—he just wouldn't, um... Finally, he left. That's—that's it. :'''Cheryl:''' I'm not oblivious. I know people are saying he was on drugs. Is that what you're trying to tell me? :'''Jimmy:''' I just... He just didn't seem like himself. :'''Cheryl:''' ''[to Cliff]'' Are you hearing all of this? Because none of it makes sense to me. :'''Cliff:''' Cheryl, maybe we should just— :'''Cheryl:''' I don't care what people are saying. I don't care what the police think. Howard was not on drugs. That simply is not true. There's something more to this. :'''Kim:''' I don't know if it's my place, but... I—I... :'''Cheryl:''' Please. Just spit it out. ''[sharply inhales]'' :'''Kim:''' ''[sighs]'' It was about a year-and-a-half ago. I was still an associate here, working late on a brief. And I saw a light on in Howard's office. I assumed the cleaning crew left it on by mistake. And I was sure that office was empty, so I didn't knock. :'''Cheryl:''' ...And? :'''Kim:''' And Howard was there at his desk, head down. And he was snorting something. :'''Cheryl:''' ''[scoffs]'' :'''Kim:''' I looked at him. He looked at me. I didn't know what to do, so I just walked out. And the next morning, when we saw each other, neither of us ever said anything about it. I never told anyone. But now I wish I had. :''[Long pause]'' :'''Cheryl:''' ''[to Cliff]'' In all the years that you worked with him, have you witnessed anything like this? Even a hint? Cliff... :'''Cliff:''' I... Cheryl, this really isn't the time or the place. :''[Cheryl begins to cry]'' :'''Kim:''' Cheryl. You were his wife. You saw him every day. You knew him better than anyone. Maybe I misunderstood what I saw. You would have known. :'''Cheryl:''' ''[voice breaking]'' Please excuse me. :''[Cheryl retreats into a women's restroom]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kim and her client are sitting in a courtroom as the presiding judge, Gabriel Dearden, takes the bench]'' :'''Bailiff:''' All rise. Court is now in session, the Honorable Judge Dearden presiding. :'''Judge Dearden:''' Good afternoon. We are here to discuss a motion to exclude evidence in ''State of New Mexico vs. Yarborough''. :'''Kim:''' ''[rises]'' Your honor, if I may. I submitted an additional motion. I'm assuming you have not seen it yet. :'''Judge Dearden:''' Did we get that? :'''Secretary:''' It just came in, judge. :''[The secretary approaches the bench and hands the motion to Judge Dearden]'' :'''Kim:''' I apologize, it was a last-minute addition. :'''Judge Dearden:''' "Last minute" is right. ''[looking through the motion]'' :''[Pause]'' :'''Judge Dearden:''' ...Do I understand this correctly? You're requesting to withdraw from this case? :'''Kim:''' Yes, your honor. My client is fully informed. And I've already been in touch with another attorney, Paige Novick. She's highly qualified and familiar with the case. She's prepared to step if you'll allow it. :'''Judge Dearden:''' Ms. Wexler, Mr. Orenstein, approach the bench. :''[Kim and the prosecutor do so]'' :'''Judge Dearden:''' ''[to Kim]'' Ms. Wexler, we are here today at your insistence to consider your motion to exclude evidence. And this is the moment you choose to withdraw? :'''Kim:''' It was unavoidable. :'''Judge Dearden:''' May I ask why? :'''Kim:''' Personal reasons, your honor. :'''Judge Dearden:''' "Personal reasons." Are we talking about a health issue, something to do with a loved one? :'''Kim:''' No. :'''Judge Dearden:''' Would you rather discuss privately in chambers? :'''Kim:''' Thank you for the consideration, but no. :'''Judge Dearden:''' Would you care to supply any detail at all? :'''Kim:''' Your honor, I prefer not to. :'''Judge Dearden:''' ''[pause; to Orenstein]'' ...Mr. Orenstein, is the state prepared to discuss Ms. Wexler's motion? :'''Orenstein:''' We are, your honor. Absolutely. :'''Judge Dearden:''' You know what, Ms. Wexler? Mr. Orenstein's here. I'm here. We all showed up for your party, and now you're taking away the punch bowl. I'm inclined to have you argue your motion, then I'll consider later writing petitions. :'''Kim:''' I'm sorry for wasting the court's time, your honor, but it's impossible for me to continue with this hearing. :'''Judge Dearden:''' And why is that, Ms. Wexler? :'''Kim:''' Because I'm no longer an attorney. :'''Judge Dearden:''' ''[brief pause]'' ...I'm sorry, what? :'''Kim:''' I gave notice to the bar two hours ago. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jimmy arrives home after hearing the news that Kim has quit her legal career]'' :'''Jimmy:''' ''You did what?!'' Why?! ''WHY?!'' Alright, alright, I know why. But Kim, you can't just— :'''Kim:''' Jimmy, I— :'''Jimmy:''' ''Shhh!'' Just let me say my piece, okay? Just—Let's take a breath here! Kim, after everything that happened... I mean, Jesus! I get it! You want to climb out of your own skin! That's natural! But Kim, you don't just throw everything away! Th-th-this is your life! You're a lawyer! What about your clients, huh? What about, uh... that poor guy, Mr. Yarborough? What about the kid in foster care? Huh?! You give them everything you got! Who are they going to find who is half as good as you?! No one! They need you! :'''Kim:''' It's already done. :'''Jimmy:''' ''Ugh!'' ''[pause]'' Okay, what's done can be undone. All I'm saying is just—just let's take a week or two to think it over. For now, we're gonna take some time off. God knows we need it. We're gonna to find a new place, we're—we're gonna leave here. We're never, ever gonna come back here again. Okay? We're gonna—we're gonna put it behind us! Things will look brighter! I guarantee it! But first we have to fix this. So we're gonna go back to the hotel room, and you're gonna write letters. You're gonna write a letter to the bar, you're gonna write letters to your clients. You—you—you dictate, I will type. We're gonna roll this thing back. I'll order a pizza, we'll pull an all-nighter. Because we're in this together. Okay? So I'm gonna go get your—your printer, and then we're gonna get the hell out of here. :''[Jimmy turns to head into the bedroom]'' :'''Kim:''' Wait— Jimmy. Jimmy! :''[Jimmy enters the bedroom to discover half-full boxes and luggage everywhere]'' :'''Kim:''' You asked if you were bad for me. That's not it. We are bad for each other. :'''Jimmy:''' Kim. Don't do this. Kim, please. :'''Kim:''' Jimmy... ''[holding back tears]'' ...I have had the time of my life with you. But we are bad for everyone around us. Other people suffer because of us. Apart we're okay, but together we're poison. :'''Jimmy:''' ''[shakes his head]'' No, no. Just tell me what I need to do to change, okay? Just tell me what it is, and I'll do it. :'''Kim:''' Jimmy... :'''Jimmy:''' No, Kim. You make me happy. We make each other happy. How can that be bad? Hey... I love you. :'''Kim:''' I love you, too. ''[voice breaking]'' But so what? :'''Jimmy:''' No. No. No, Kim, you're wrong! ''This is about '''Howard!''''' Okay?! What happened to him wasn't on us! It wasn't your fault! It wasn't ''my'' fault! It was that ''fucking Lalo Salamanca!'' That psychopath came back from the dead and he walked through that door! He did this! Not us, ''him!'' :'''Kim:''' I knew. :'''Jimmy:''' You knew wh-what? :'''Kim:''' I knew he was alive. :'''Jimmy:''' No, you didn't. :'''Kim:''' It was about a month ago. I saw that car following me again. And it turned out that Mike Ehrmantraut had guys watching both of us, watching for Lalo. :'''Jimmy:''' Mike... Mike told you that Lalo was alive? ''[Kim nods]'' And you didn't tell me? :'''Kim:''' ''[pause]'' Jimmy... I thought... I thought it was a one-in-a-million chance that he'd come for us. I thought he would be caught if he did. And I told myself I was protecting you. But that's not the truth. The reason I didn't tell you was because I knew what you'd do. :'''Jimmy:''' Wh-what would I do? :'''Kim:''' You'd—you'd blame yourself. You'd fear for me. You'd want us to run and hide until you were sure I was safe. You would pull the plug on the scam, and then... ''[pause]'' ...and then, we'd break up. And I didn't want that. Because I was having too much ''fun''. :''[Kim breaks down crying and returns to the bedroom to pack; Jimmy stands in the living room in silence]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Saul Goodman:''' Alright. [[w:Chicanery (Better Call Saul) | Let justice be done, though the heavens fall]]. === ''[[w:Nippy (Better Call Saul) | Nippy]]'' [6.10] === :''[Saul, now going by Gene Takavic, is confronted by Jeff after he unexpectedly shows up at his home]'' :'''Jeff''': Dude, what the fuck?! :'''Saul''': I know, it's awkward, right? But you don't have to call me Dad. Yet. :'''Jeff''': I don't know what this is about, but all I have to do is pick up the phone and it's "Bye-bye, Saul Goodman." :'''Saul''': Yeah, but you haven't picked up the phone yet, have ya? Or tried to strong-arm me for cash. And guess what? I know why. Because reward money—blackmail—that's not gonna tickle your pickle. I know what you really want. :'''Jeff''': Oh, yeah? What's that? :'''Saul''': You want in the game. :'''Jeff''': The game? What—what game? :'''Saul''': The ''game.'' The one you've been watching your entire life. You got your nose pressed up against the glass, peering in while the big boys play. :'''Jeff''': Speak English, man. What the hell are you talking about? :'''Saul''': ''The game.'' It's right there. You can see it, but you can't touch it yet. ''[pause]'' Cars, clothes. The cash, the ladies. It's about knowing all the angles, you know? Putting it all on the line and winning ''big.'' But here you are, Jeffy. Standing outside with the suckers, trying to pay off that cab, sweating the bills. You're getting older. It's—it's so close, but dammit you just can't get in! Until now. I can make it happen. :'''Jeff''': ''[beat]'' You? :'''Saul''': Saul Goodman. ''[pause]'' So, here's the deal. I will show you the game, and then we're done. :''[Jeff stares at Saul for another moment before smiling]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jeff runs around a maze in the outline of a mall. Saul, on a loudspeaker, shouts directions to him.]'' :'''Saul''': Go, go, go, go, go, go, go! One, Armani suits and run! Two, Air Jordan shoes for you! Three, linen shirts for free! Four, cashmere sweaters out the door! Five, Patagonias to survive! Six, swanky sweatsuits in the mix! HALT! :''[Jeff stops, breathing heavily.]'' :'''Jeff''': What?! :'''Saul''': That's too many, you gotta be precise! Just three of each. :'''Jeff''': Why? And why do I gotta run around like an asshole? :'''Saul''': I already told you! Three minutes, got it? That's our window! :'''Jeff''': Yeah, but why three minutes? :'''Saul''': Because at three minutes, that's when security sees you on the cameras and the cops haul your ass to jail, alright? So let's go. :':'''Jeff''': Wait, there's cameras? :'''Saul''': Sure there's cameras! They erase the tapes every seventy-two hours, so that's why you only take three of each, and only the pricey stuff. When the store opens the next morning, they won't even know they were robbed. By the time they do inventory, abra cadabra, no more Jeffy on the tape! Right, so, three items, three minutes... It's easy. Let's go. :''[Jeff walks back to the start of the maze.]'' :'''Saul''': How many of each? :'''Jeff''': Three... :'''Saul''': Pigs get fat, hogs get slaughtered! :'''Jeff''': I don't know... :'''Saul''': What don't you know? :'''Jeff''': Just, this whole thing, it seems crazy! :'''Saul''': Is this too hot for you?! Ju— You know what, just say so! You know what? Screw it. "Crazy?" I'll tell you what's crazy! [[w:Walter White (Breaking Bad) | Fifty-year-old high school chemistry teacher]] [[w:Breaking Bad | comes into my office. The guy is so broke, he can't pay his own mortgage. One year later, he's got a pile of cash as big as a Volkswagen.]] ''That's'' crazy. :'''Buddy''': I'll do it. :'''Jeff''': This sounds good to you? :'''Buddy''': I think it'll work. :'''Saul''': Well, look at you! Hey, you're young. You're probably, uh... Fast in the feet, huh? :'''Jeff''': Okay, I- I didn't say I wouldn't do it! I just... Had some questions about, like... Logistics. :'''Saul''': Are you in or out? :'''Jeff''': In. :'''Saul''': ''[sighs]'' Okay, back to one. ''[He speaks into the loudspeaker as Jeff sets himself up.]'' Check, test, one-two, one-two. Okay! And ready, set, action! :''[Jeff begins running.]'' :'''Saul''': Move, move, move! Pick up the pace! Go, go, go! One, Armani suits and run! Two, Air Jordan shoes for you! Three, linen shirts for free! Four, cashmere sweaters out the door! Five, Patagonias to survive! Six, swanky sweatsuits in the mix! Let's go, let's go, let's go! <hr width="50%"/> :''[On the night of the robbery, Saul watches Jeff through the mall cameras while one of the security guards, Frank, is eating a Cinnabon roll with his back facing the cameras.]'' :'''Saul''': How about that 44-21 win against the Cavs? :'''Frank''': Be still my heart. ''[laughs]'' :'''Saul''': Seventy-six yard pass to Reggie Ball, and–and never sacked once. :'''Frank''': Wow, you have got quite the memory. :'''Saul''': ...Yeah, well—I'll tell you what. I can remember every stitch of clothing I was wearing during that game, but ask me what I had for dinner and... ''[whistles]'' Clean slate. :'''Frank''': Tell me about it! ''[Saul checks his stopwatch, which is at two minutes and fifteen seconds]'' Well, I'll tell ya: If you're not passing the ball, that's what's gonna happen. ''[eats another bite]'' Mmm! :''[Eventually, Jeff runs with the last round of clothes when he slips and falls. Saul chokes on his coffee.]'' :'''Frank''': You okay? :'''Saul''': ''[coughs]'' Wrong pipe. :'''Frank''': Oh, okay. So, you think our guys are gonna move to the Big Ten like they're sayin'? :'''Saul''': ''[pause]'' Big Ten? :'''Frank''': Yeah, you know, maybe they're just chasing the almighty dollar if you ask me. I mean, both powerhouses of course. But, you know what? You got Oklahoma and Texas over here. But Michigan, Ohio State over there! ''[Saul looks nervously at the cameras]'' I... I don't know. Guess I like tradition. ''[chuckles; sighs as he takes yet another bite]'' So good. Just amazing. Wow. :''[After Saul realizes Jeff is out cold, he fakes a nervous breakdown to distract Frank]'' :'''Saul''': God, what am I doing? :'''Frank''': What? :'''Saul''': ''[cries out again as Frank turns his head towards the cameras]'' Look at me! Wha—I don't know what... ''[sobs]'' Oh, Jesus! :'''Frank''': Gene? :'''Saul''': Oh, God. You... you have a wife, right, Frank? :'''Frank''': Yeah. :'''Saul''': Yeah? :'''Frank''': Yeah. :'''Saul''': She's waiting for you? ''[Frank nods]'' Look at me. I got... I got no one. My parents are dead. [[w:Chuck McGill | My brother]]... ''[beat; looks down]'' My brother is dead. I, uh... I don't have a wife. No kids, no friends. If I die tonight, no one would care. What difference would it make? :''[Saul looks up again and notices Jeff slowly getting himself up]'' :'''Frank''': Gene, buddy... I—I'm sure you mean a lot to... to a lot of—lots of people. ''[turns his head around again]'' :'''Saul''': ''[slams fist on table]'' If I die tonight, my landlord would pack up my stuff. It'd take him three hours. And Cinnabon would just hire a new manager. Gene who?! Poof, I'd be gone! I'd be... a–a ghost. No, not a ghost. I'd be a... a shadow. I'd just mean ''nothing.'' I mean, Frank... What's the ''point'', Frank? What's the... :''[Saul sees Jeff put away the clothes in the box. He groans as he watches Jeff run out of the warehouse, then claps when he's out of sight]'' :'''Saul''': ''[sighs]'' I'm sorry. You didn't need to hear that. :'''Frank''': No, no, no. That's–that's okay. No, that is okay. Everybody has bad days. :'''Saul''': You've felt like this? :'''Frank''': ...No. I mean, not me, but... people. I think a lot of people. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Saul''': You guys enjoying yourselves? Well, hold on to that feeling, 'cause this is it. :'''Jeff''': Yeah, we know. :'''Saul''': Well, in case you forget, you transported stolen goods with a value exceeding $5,000. And the truck you used to do it was rented in Council Bluffs across state lines. :'''Jeff''': You told us to rent the truck over there, so— :'''Saul''': ''[motions for Jeff to stop talking]'' Theft from an interstate shipment, up to ten years. Transportation of stolen goods, another ten years. Sale of stolen goods, ten years. Conspiracy to commit a federal crime— :'''Buddy''': Whoa, hold on. Conspiracy? It was your idea. :'''Saul''': Yeah. It's called mutually assured destruction, so... if I go down, you go down. :'''Jeff''': Man, you don't have to threaten us. We're all friends here. :'''Saul''': I am not your friend. And if you get greedy, and you decide to come back for more, ''don't.'' Gene Takavic, you've never heard of him. Cottonwood Mall, you don't go there. You see me comin', you cross to the other side of the street. :'''Jeff''': Dude. :'''Saul''': Now, I need you to say it. We're done. :'''Jeff''': ''[pause; laughs]'' Come on! :'''Saul''': Say it. ''We're done. '''Say it.''''' :'''Jeff''': ''[beat; looks at his friend briefly]'' We're done. :'''Buddy''': ''[pause]'' We're–we're done. === ''[[w:Breaking Bad (Better Call Saul) | Breaking Bad]]'' [6.11] === :''[Saul, with his limbs duct-taped and a bag over his head, lies on the floor of an RV.]'' :'''Saul''': Guys, c'mon. Talk to me! ''Habla, por favor! Yo soy abogado! Abogado, abogado!'' Aw-- Crap! You already knew that! Jesus, fellas, there's a better way to do this! Hello? Oh-- Why- Wha-- Why are we going off-road? Oh! Whoa! Whatever this is, can we please don't do it in the desert? ''Anywhere but the desert!'' Oh-- Oh, God, I'm gonna be sick... :''[The RV stops and two masked men walk up, cutting the tape at Saul's legs and forcing him upright.]'' :'''Saul:''' Alright, fellas... This-- we can-- We can fix this! Whatever the ''problemo'', we can fix it with ''dinero. Mucho dinero! Mucho, mucho, mucho dinero!'' C'mon, please, one of you just, just-- You talk, ''habla!'' C'mon, b-before mistakes are made! C'mon, talk to me, guys, huh? :''[The RV door closes to reveal [[w:Pilot_(Breaking_Bad)| five bullet holes covered with duct tape.]]]'' :'''Saul:''' C'mon, just tell me what you want! Jeez... :''[The bag is taken off Saul's head to reveal an open grave in the middle of the desert]'' :'''Saul:''' Oh! Oh, no, no, no, no, no! No! [[w:Better Call Saul (Breaking Bad)| It wasn't me! It was Ignacio, he's the one!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Francesca answers a payphone at an abandoned convenience store outside of Albuquerque. On the other end of the line is Saul, calling from a phone booth outside a diner in rural Nebraska under his Gene Takavic alias.]'' :'''Francesca''': Yeah. :'''Saul''': Oh, good. You're there. Great. Great. Unencumbered by curious eyes and ears, I'm guessing? :'''Francesca''': Wouldn't have picked up otherwise. :'''Saul''': Right. Excellent. Um, okay. Well then... Lay it on me. :'''Francesca''': First things first. :'''Saul''': No, I believe we agreed after. :'''Francesca''': I'm hanging up. :'''Saul''': Okay, okay then! Jeez! I... Okay, if you're facing the phone, turn right ninety degrees and, uh, walk straight. You'll see some pieces of broken concrete in the dirt. Just pull back the one that's kinda shaped like New Jersey. :'''Francesca''': New Jersey? :'''Saul''': Alfred Hitchcock in a fez, whatever. Just pull that one back, and you'll see a, um, soda can tap. It's got a fishing line tied to it. Follow that line, it'll take you to an old water line, and just keep pulling the string and you'll get what I promised. :''[Francesca leaves the phone off the hook and follows Saul's instructions. She soon retrieves a pouch containing three bundles of cash, amounting to several thousand dollars. She returns to the payhone.]'' :'''Francesca''': Okay. :'''Saul''': Great. Was it all there? I mean, the rats didn't eat it or anything? :'''Francesca''': It's all here. :'''Saul''': ''[exhales]'' Okay. Well, uh, tell me... how hot. :'''Francesca''': How hot? :'''Saul''': Yeah. :'''Francesca''': Well, I still get followed. Not as often as [[w:Ozymandias (Breaking Bad) | when the shit first hit the fan]], but I still see them. My mail gets opened. My phone at home clicks whenever I use it. :'''Saul''': So the maestro buying the farm didn't change anything? :'''Francesca''': No. If anything, it made it worse. [[w:Skyler White | Skyler White]] got her deal, so the only ones left to go after are you and Pinkman. And I heard [[w:El Camino: A Breaking Bad Movie | they found his car down by the border]], so adios dopehead. :'''Saul''': Oh, so they're still on to me. Well... Hey, what do you know about the nail salons? :'''Francesca''': Nail salons are gone. :'''Saul''': What? Gone? All of them? :'''Francesca''': Yup. :'''Saul''': What about the vending machines? :'''Francesca''': Gone. :'''Saul''': Jesus! Don't tell me, the laser tag... :'''Francesca''': Feds found it all, Saul. :'''Saul''': How?! It was shells within shells! Dammit! Dammit!! Okay... okay... Hey— oh. Let's say there was an overseas account, Antigua and Barbuda— :'''Francesca''': Tiger Fish Corporation? :'''Saul''': What? :'''Francesca''': Tiger Fish Corporation? 850K? I gave it to the feds. :'''Saul''': You did what? Why would you do that?! :''[An automated message tells Saul that his phone time has expired. He hurriedly puts more quarters into the payphone.]'' :'''Saul''': ''God dammit!'' :'''Francesca''': You—you put my name on the board of a fictional corporation. I had to give it up, I didn't really have a choice. And a heads-up would have been nice, by the way! :'''Saul''': So it's gone? It's all gone. Those sons of bitches took everything. :'''Francesca''': Except what you took with you, and I'm guessing that wasn't chump change. :'''Saul''': Yeah, well... :'''Francesca''': Well... Guess that's it. :'''Saul''': Wait, wait, wait! C'mon, I just put more quarters in! Can't you just... I don't know... give me the lowdown? :'''Francesca''': There's nothing else. :'''Saul''': Well, that's not true. After all this time? You know, come on. Just fill me in. Um... How's Kuby? :'''Francesca''': No idea. :'''Saul''': Alright, how about Huell? :'''Francesca''': Huell? I guess back home in New Orleans. DEA held him under false pretenses or something, so last I heard he walked. :'''Saul''': Good. Um, how about Danny? Or—or Ira? I mean, any word on those two guys? :'''Francesca''': They have Internet where you are? :'''Saul''': Well, just... C'mon, give me something. There's gotta be some news. :'''Francesca''': Remember Bill Oakley? He switched sides. :'''Saul''': He came out, huh? :'''Francesca''': No, he's not gay. He's a defense attorney now. :'''Saul''': Huh. Well, I mean... What about you? How are you doing? :'''Francesca''': ''[sarcastically]'' I'm just great. [[w:Rainier III, Prince of Monaco|Prince Rainier]] proposed. The private jet is taking us to the palace on Thursday. :'''Saul''': Yeah. Okay, well... I guess that's it, then. :''[Francesca mulls over what to tell Saul next.]'' :'''Francesca''': I did get one call, after everything went down. ''[pause]'' Kim. Checking in on me. :'''Saul''': No kidding? :'''Francesca''': ''Mm-hmm''. Your name came up. Asked if you were alive. :'''Saul''': She asked about me... ''[pause]'' What did you tell her? :'''Francesca''': Nothing. :'''Saul''': But she asked. :'''Francesca''': Yup. :'''Saul''': ''[long pause]'' ...Yeah, okay. Well, I guess this is goodbye— :''[Francesca hangs up without saying anything.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Saul goes inside the RV driven by the two masked men [[w:Better Call Saul (Breaking Bad)| who kidnapped him and brought him to the desert]]]'' :'''Saul''': What the hell is this? It's like [[w:James Whale|James Whale]]'s travelling roadshow in here. :''[Jesse Pinkman, a ski mask pulled up over his face, steps in behind him.]'' :'''[[w:Jesse Pinkman |Jesse]]''': Whatever the hell that is, Crystal Ship definitely travels. :''[Walt enters and shuts the door behind him, incredulous. Meanwhile, Saul explores the RV.]'' :'''[[w:Walter White (Breaking Bad) | Walter]]''': I'm sorry, you said the ''what'' travels? :'''Jesse''': Crystal Ship. What I call this thing. :'''Walter''': Alright, never mind, just... No details. We're paying him to do a job, let's just leave it at that. :'''Saul''': "No details?" Fellas, that–that money you put in my pocket, that doesn't just extend to this job. That can get you attorney-client privilege on—on all matters! :'''Walter''': ''No details.'' :'''Saul''': Look at this setup. I mean–What, you two driving around like Mr. Softee, scooping out drugs for all the good boys and girls? :'''Jesse''': No, we don't deal from here. :'''Walter''': I said no details! :'''Jesse''': Dude is standing in front of a meth lab, it's not like he ain't gonna put two and two together! :'''Walter''': He is on a need-to-know basis. :'''Jesse''': Uh, I didn't wanna show my face. Did he need to know that? :'''Saul''': So, you're not just distribution. You're the whole freakin' package. :''[Saul leans up against a table, considering Walt and Jesse before turning to the lab equipment.]'' :'''Saul''': You two actually make the blue stuff? ''[brief pause]'' Here?! ''[chuckles and picks up a flask]'' That's amazing! :'''Walter''': Can you not touch...? :'''Saul''': I mean, look at this! I had a fish that could've used this as a vacation home, but you're using it to make the goods, huh? :'''Jesse''': Yeah, it's a, um, round-bottom flask. ''[turns to Walt]'' Right? Round-bottom? ''[Walt grimaces and says nothing]'' It's a flask for distilling. :'''Walter''': It won't be if you break it. Now please, put it down. :'''Saul''': Oh. ''[clears his throat]'' Okay, so if you cook the blue stuff... ''[to Jesse]'' that means you're Igor and— ''[to Walt]'' and that makes you... You're Heisenberg. Wow. Hey, tell me, how-how much product can you churn out with a setup like this? :'''Walter''': Alright, we're done. We're done with the questions. ''We'' ask the questions. You have ''a'' job—''one'' job—and I still don't understand how you're gonna pull it off. :'''Saul''': Listen, when I get all my ducks in a row, I'll give you a PowerPoint down at the office. But until then, just—just bring what we talked about, okay? And don't worry! I'm gonna make it work. :'''Walter''': I'm taking the eighty thousand as a starting point for negotiation. :'''Saul''': Take it any way you want. That's the price and, um... ''[clears throat again]'' I'm calling shotgun. ''[saunters up and plops down in the passenger's seat]'' :'''Walter''': ''[to Jesse, who attempts to take the driver's seat]'' I will drive. :'''Jesse''': Oh, yeah. Sure. I'll just... stand. I guess. ''[under his breath]'' Dick. :'''Saul''': At least you won't be rolling around like the last Christmas ham in the back of the delivery truck, you know? I—I've got bad knees. ''[to Walt]'' I think you might've messed up my rotator cuff. You're lucky I'm not charging you for my chiropractor, she's expensive. ''[to Jesse]'' But she adjusts ''everything.'' :''[Walt starts the RV, which immediately stalls out.]'' :'''Walter''': Dammit. :'''Jesse''': You gotta give it some ''gas'' when you're backing up. :'''Walter''': I gave it the proper amount of gas. :'''Jesse''': I guess that's why we're "moving", then. :'''Walter''': Look, it just was... idling too long. It'll start. :''[Walt attempts to turn over the ignition again and it sputters.]'' :'''Jesse''': Oh, you should've just let me drive, yo! :'''Walter''': Look, nothing would be different in this moment except you panicking and flooding the engine. :'''Jesse''': ''[scoffs]'' Bullshit. :'''Saul''': Look, fellas, I was enjoying the [[w:Laurel and Hardy|Laurel and Hardy]] vibe, but I'm not such a fan of [[w:The Bickersons|the Bickersons]]. Now, can you get me back to my office? I—I got work to do if you want me to make some magic. :'''Walter''': We just need to sit a moment, that's all. When it idles too long, the fuel pump overheats, and so we just need to let it cool down. :''[Walt takes the key out of the ignition, plunging the RV into darkness. Walt clears his own throat, which turns into a cough. A bit of blood spills onto his hand and he wipes it away, but Saul notices. He gives Walt a once-over and Walt responds with a glare of his own, which prompts Saul to turn his attention to the window.]'' :'''Jesse''': So... who's Lalo? :'''Saul''': ...Who? :'''Jesse''': Lalo. Thought some dude named Lalo sent us? You seemed pretty freaked out. Never heard of no Lalo on the street. :'''Saul''': ''[beat]'' It's nobody. ''[to Walt]'' Hey, are you gonna try that again? 'Cause... Or are they gonna find us, y'know, buried in a sandstorm a thousand years from now? Just, please. :''[Walt turns the key and the RV springs to life once again]'' :'''Jesse''': ''[sarcastically]'' Bravo. :'''Saul''': I second that! I'm gonna give you two free words of advice: Jiffy. Lube. :'''Walter''': Hold on. :''[They drive off out of the desert, leaving behind the hole that Walt and Jesse previously dug up.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Saul is lying on the floor with his feet in the Swing Master as Mike enters his office]'' :'''Saul:''' Ho, enter sunshine! Cast some light into my cool, dark world! :''[Mike doesn't say anything, sitting on the couch and looking at a newspaper crossword puzzle]'' :'''Saul:''' Hello? You're on the clock, right? So, get with the info any time. :'''Mike:''' When you're done. :'''Saul:''' No, I can multitask. Please. :'''Mike:''' I'm not gonna talk to you while you're on... whatever ''that'' is. :'''Saul:''' You know, LBJ used to have his underlings give him reports while he was on the shitter. :'''Mike:''' ''Ah-hah.'' Well, either I'm gonna leave or I'm gonna put my foot in your skull. :'''Saul:''' ''[sighs]'' ...Fine. ''[gets up off the floor]'' You should try one of these. You walk like Frankenstein after he was probed by aliens. ''Ha!'' I can get you one. Would do wonders for your chi. ''[puts on his suit jacket and seats himself behind his desk]'' Let's go. Lay it on me. :''[Mike walks to the desk and hands Saul an envelope containing photos.]'' :'''Mike:''' Alright. First: there's your Mrs. Denise Gabbler. She's cheating, alright. :'''Saul:''' ''[whistles]'' Limber! ''Ha-ha!'' Well, at least I know they didn't spot you. No one could stay that aroused with your mug peeking through the window. ''[Mike stares at Saul, stone-faced; he doesn't respond]'' What else you got? :'''Mike:''' Well, next I followed your bus driver. Newsflash: He really does have a broken neck. :'''Saul:''' Fantastic. That makes my life much easier. Keep it coming. :'''Mike:''' Second-story guy out of Indianapolis, Lasky? Did a dime at Menard. Now, if you're looking for a tenor who will keep his mouth shut, you can trust him. I say he's worth keeping an eye on. :'''Saul:''' Second-story guy, second-story guy... I—I got more second-story guys in my book than pimples at a junior prom. That... ''[inhales]'' What about, uh, that Heisenberg fella? :'''Mike:''' High school chemistry teacher. :'''Saul:''' You're shittin' me, really? :'''Mike:''' Walter Hartwell White. Chemistry teacher over at J. P. Wynne. Working with a former student, current meth head, one Jesse Pinkman. :'''Saul:''' Wow... Uh, what else about the teacher? :'''Mike:''' He has lung cancer. :'''Saul:''' ''Jesus.'' That's why he can't quit with the coughing. How bad? :'''Mike:''' Stage 3A. He's in treatment, more tests to come. But it doesn't look good. Now listen, even if this guy was gonna live, I wouldn't go near him. He's a complete amateur. :'''Saul:''' Well, you see an amateur, I see 170 pounds of clay ready to be molded. :'''Mike:''' Well, if the cancer doesn't get him, it will be the cops or a bullet to the head. :'''Saul:''' Is that your appraisal, or is that what [[w:Gus Fring | He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named]] says about him? :'''Mike:''' He didn't say anything. The guy is small potatoes. :'''Saul:''' Yeah, okay. I hear ya. I just—I got a feeling about this. This Heisenberg guy's got something. It's top-of-the-line product, that's the buzz on the street. And I just think with the right management— :'''Mike:''' You know, years ago I bought a [[w:Betamax|Betamax]]. Good product, top of the line. Experts said it was better than a VHS. Turned out to be a complete waste of time and money. :'''Saul:''' ''Hm?'' :'''Mike:''' ''[sternly]'' Let it go. :'''Saul:''' ''[sighs]'' ...Guy with that mustache probably doesn't make a lot of good life choices. So yeah, the second-story guy. Menard, you said? :'''Mike:''' Yeah, right, right, right. Alright, part of a high-end crew fencing jewelry up into Canada. Now, Lasky kid caught a bad break. Cop was driving by just as he was ducking in a window. He did the time, no one else on his crew went down. Solid. :''[Saul stares off into space, not paying attention to what Mike is saying.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Saul learns that Jeff's friend, Buddy, bailed on one of their scams and confronts him in the garage behind Jeff's house.]'' :'''Saul''': You're kidding me! Absolutely kidding me! :'''Buddy''': I'm sorry, man. I couldn't do it. :'''Saul''': Do you know how much time, how much effort I put into finding the perfect mark?! I have to weed through all these saps who have wives and families at home! Find somebody who's alone, with money! And what—So you can just wimp out?! :'''Buddy''': The guy has cancer, man! I found pills in his pocket, okay? The same ones my dad took. For, like, pancreatic cancer. :'''Saul''': So a guy with cancer can't be an asshole? ''[chuckles]'' Believe me! I speak from experience! :'''Buddy''': I can't rip off a guy with cancer. I'm sorry. :'''Saul''': Do you know how many of the suckers we've ripped off had sob stories?! ''Every single one of them!'' Besides, it'll be ''months'' before they even realize they've been taken! This guy will already be dead! So please get back in your truck, go back to the house, and finish the job! :'''Buddy''': ''[beat]'' No, man. I can't do that! I can't! :'''Saul''': Alright, I get it! You'll get over it, okay? Please, believe me. Before you know it, you'll forget all about it. ''[softly]'' Go. :'''Buddy''': Look, we're doing really well, right? Hear me out, okay? I mean, we're rolling in cash! We can just let this one go! :'''Saul''': Not your call. :'''Buddy''': ''[sighs]'' Yeah, but I... I pulled the tape when I left! The door's locked! We couldn't get back in even if we wanted to! ''[Saul angrily slaps the top of Jeff's car]'' Jeff, come on, man! Back me up here! :'''Jeff''': Oh, well I... I don't know. I mean, I can see both sides kinda. :'''Saul''': You know what? Forget it, you're fired. Just go! Just give me the camera and go! :'''Buddy''': ''[hands Saul his camera]'' Fine. :'''Saul''': GOOD! Go, we don't need you! And I know I don't need to tell you this, but since you're such a goddamn amateur, I will anyway! Keep your mouth ''shut''. :''[Buddy gives Jeff one last glance before leaving the garage.]'' :'''Saul''': ''[to Jeff]'' If we're gonna do this, we should leave now. :'''Jeff''': ...We're really gonna go back there? :'''Saul''': What did I just say? Jeff, are you in or out?! === ''[[w:Waterworks (Better Call Saul) | Waterworks]]'' [6.12] === :'''Kim''': Kim Wexler. :'''Jimmy''': Hey! Kim Wexler... You know who this is? ''[beat; Kim is silent]'' I'm gonna take that as a "yes". Uh, that receptionist of yours, is she the type to listen in? :'''Kim''': No. :'''Jimmy''': Good! Okay! So... How's Florida been treating you? I'm catching you between hurricanes, I hope. ''[pause]'' Kim? You there? :'''Kim''': What do you want? :'''Jimmy''': No, I don't... I don't want anything, I just—It's been a while, y'know, I was just... I was thinking, it's been a while? And, uh... It might be nice to catch up. :'''Kim''': "Catch up?" :'''Jimmy''': Yeah, my mind was wandering this morning, just... Not thinking anything in particular, just random thoughts and—Bam, it suddenly occurred to me, it's been six years. I mean, Jesus. I—I couldn't believe it! ''[beat]'' I thought you might wanna know I'm still alive. ''[pause]'' Yep. I'm still out here! Still getting away with it! Feds couldn't find their own ass with both hands and a proctologist. :'''Kim''': You shouldn't be calling me. :'''Jimmy''': Oh, hey! You're awake! :'''Kim''': ''You shouldn't be calling.'' :'''Jimmy''': Why not? What, am I tying up the line from important irrigation business? I mean, come on, Kim, say something. Hey, call me an asshole! Yell at me! Just let me know you still got a pulse. ''[pause]'' Just ''say'' something! :'''Kim''': You want me to say something? :'''Jimmy''': Yeah. :'''Kim''': You should turn yourself in. :'''Jimmy''': Do what? :'''Kim''': You heard me. I don't know what kind of life you've been living, but it can't be much. :'''Jimmy''': Said the pot to the kettle! What?! That is—hat is really rich, you—''you'' preaching to ''me?!'' See, you have no idea what I did or didn't do, okay? And why–why don't you turn ''your''self in? Seeing as how ''you're'' the one with the guilty conscience, huh? What is—What is stopping you, huh? Fring's in the ground. Mike's in the ground, Lalo's in the ground, apparently. You don't have to hold back on my account! They can only hang me once, so what?! So go ahead! Spill your guts, put on your hair shirt, see what it gets you! Why are... Kim, why are we even talking about this? We're both too smart to throw our lives away for no reason, just... I just—I only wanted to... Kim—Kim...! Kim— :'''Kim''': I'm glad you're alive. ''[she hangs up]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cheryl Hamlin has just finished reading Kim's written confession, describing the events leading up to the night of Howard's death]'' :'''Cheryl''': ...Why? :'''Kim''': He was... in the wrong place at the wrong time. :'''Cheryl''': Where's his body? :'''Kim''': I don't know. :'''Cheryl''': And the police... will they search again? :'''Kim''': They'll search. I don't think they'll find him. Cheryl, he... It—It all happened in an instant, and he didn't—he didn't suffer. :'''Cheryl''': "He didn't suffer?" The lies you two made up, the picture you painted... That's all he is now! That's all ''anybody'' remembers! :'''Kim''': I wanna change that. :'''Cheryl''': What happens now? Will you be tried? Will you go to jail? :'''Kim''': I don't know. :'''Cheryl''': You're a lawyer, right? You're a... a ''great'' one, Howard said! How could you ''not know?'' :'''Kim''': Burnham Legal County has my affidavit. It's up to the district attorney whether to prosecute. And she may not. :'''Cheryl''': ''Why?'' :'''Kim''': There's no physical evidence. No remaining witnesses other than my ex-husband, assuming he's still alive. :'''Cheryl''': I could sue you in civil court. I could take everything you've got. :'''Kim''': Yeah. :'''Cheryl''': ...Why are you doing this? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kim stands outside Saul's office, attempting to light a cigarette. A man, revealed to be Jesse Pinkman, leans against a wall.]'' :'''Jesse''': Hey, yo... Can I bum one of those? :''[Kim pauses before offering him the cigarette. Jesse takes one and she lights it for him.]'' :'''Jesse''': Thanks. ''[gestures towards the rain]'' What's up with this shit? :'''Kim''': Raining. :'''Jesse''': Yeah. I dunno, it's... It's crazy! Like, bananas, all this rain. I mean, I thought we were, like, in a desert, y'know? ''[beat]'' You're a lawyer, right? ''[Kim turns to him]'' Yeah. I recognize you. You defended my buddy, Combo. Christian Ortega? Juvie court, little baby Jesus? I mean, not like a ''real'' baby. Just, uh... y'know, one of those things outside of the... church? :'''Kim''': Nativity scene. :'''Jesse''': Yeah. :'''Kim''': Knights of Columbus. :'''Jesse''': I mean, what the ''hell'' did he even ''want'' that thing for? Huh? I mean, I—I still don't know, ''dumbass.'' I told him he could go to hell for stealing something like that. I mean—But did he listen to me? No. But you... You got him off, like, scot-free, that... That was pretty slick, yo! :'''Kim''': Well... Tell him I hope he's keeping his nose clean. :'''Jesse''': Yeah, yeah. Right on. Absolutely. Uh... Hey, so, you having all this expertise and all... This guy, Goodman... ''[pause]'' He the real deal? Like, lawyer-wise? :'''Kim''': Why do you ask? :'''Jesse''': I got a buddy in there who's facing some serious time. I mean, not... y'know, not baby Jesus time, but... but serious. You know, he needs top-shelf legal representation. And I tell him that, right? But, you know, he sees this dude's commercials on TV, and this is where he wants to go. I mean, I tell him, "Yo... Emilio, you know, a funny TV commercial's not a sound... basis for, like, you know... ''[pause]'' I mean, like, would you go to a doctor to do, like, an operation on you in, like a... On, like your spleen, or whatever... All on the fact that there was a funny TV commercial? No. I mean, c'mon. How is this ''any'' different, y'know?" Anyways... This guy. Any good? :''[Kim throws her cigarette away]'' :'''Kim''': When I knew him, he was. ''[pulls her hood up and runs out into the rain]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Saul calls Marion after learning that Jeff has been arrested for the robbery he committed the previous night]'' :'''Marion''': Hello? ''[pause]'' Gene! Honey, do you know what time it is? ''[beat; picks up her phone and sits down]'' Oh... Oh God, that boy. He's gonna put me in my grave. :'''Saul''': Marion... ''[chuckles]'' It's a mistake is all. Getting picked up for something you didn't do, that could happen to anybody. :'''Marion''': Yeah right, anyone. This isn't the first time, you know. He's been in trouble before. Oh, Jesus! :'''Saul''': Marion— :'''Marion''': The death of me! He's gonna be the death of me! :'''Saul''': Marion! Marion, it's gonna be alright. We'll get him outta there lickety-split. :'''Marion''': I've been through this before. There's nothing lickety-split about it. Back when he was living in Albuquerque... Drunk in public, resisting arrest, urinating in—in some place he shouldn't have! And me on the telephone for hours long-distance, trying to find one of those bailout places. I maxed out my Discover card. I'm still paying for that one! :'''Saul''': Well, money's not gonna be a problem because I'm gonna help you with that. :'''Marion''': No, Gene. I can't let you do that. No. :'''Saul''': Sure you can. Jeff will pay me back. And you don't have to worry about a bondsman either, because guess what? In Omaha, they don't have 'em. Right? You just walk into the station, you pay out straight cash bail. It's not like Albuquerque at all. ''[beat; Marion starts growing suspicious]'' Marion, you still there? :'''Marion''': Yeah, what... Why did Jeff call you instead of me? :'''Saul''': Well, I think he was scared of how you'd take it. Honestly, I was gonna pay the bail myself, but I think it should be a family member. I think that'd be best. ''[brief pause]'' I'll tell you what. Let me take a shower, get dressed, and you do the same. I'll swing by and pick you up, we'll get this whole thing squared away. :'''Marion''': What about Buddy? Is he in any trouble? :'''Saul''': I don't think so. Why would he be? ''Heh.'' I'll see you in about an hour. :'''Marion''': Yeah, okay. Yeah, thanks. :''[After she hangs up the phone, Marion takes out her laptop and connects it to her phone chord]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Saul has just discovered Marion watching videos on the internet. He opens up her computer to find one of his old commercials playing, then re-shuts it.]'' :'''Saul''': What's that? :'''Marion:''' ...You tell me. :'''Saul''': Marion, do you think that's me? 'Cause it's not. :'''Marion:''' There never was a Nippy, was there? :'''Saul''': What did Jeff tell you? :'''Marion:''' Oh, he didn't tell me anything. [[w:AskJeeves | AskJeeves]] told me. I typed in "conman" and "Albuquerque". And up you popped, big as day. :''[Marion reaches for her phone]'' :'''Saul''': What are you doing, Marion? :'''Marion:''' What do you think I'm doing? I'm calling the police. :'''Saul''': Here. Let me help you with that. ''[rips the phone line from the wall and backs Marion into a corner]'' Listen, I think we're losing sight of the bigger picture here, okay? Jeff is in trouble, and I wanna help him. He and I could sure use your support here. :'''Marion:''' What'd you get my son into?! :'''Saul''': Nothing that he didn't ask for. ''[shoves Marion's chair to the side and wraps the phone cord around his fists.]'' Listen, I'm still the good friend you thought I was, okay? Jeff understands me! Buddy understands me! And you will, too. You just have to, uh... You know, keep things on an even keel, alright? :''[Marion pulls out her [[w:Life Alert Emergency Response | LifeAlert button]], threatening Jimmy with it as he closes in.]'' :'''Saul''': What have you got there? Put that down. Put that down, Marion. Put it down. Do not do it, Marion. Final warning... ''[takes it out of her grasp.]'' :'''Marion:''' I trusted you. :''[Saul holds on to the button for a few moments, guilt quickly setting in before he lets it go. Marion grasps the button again and presses it.]'' :'''Valerie:''' Marion? This is Valerie with LifeAlert. Are you okay? :'''Marion:''' No, Valerie, I'm not okay! There's a criminal standing in my kitchen, threatening me! He's a wanted man, and his name is Saul Goodman! :'''Valerie:''' Alright, Marion? I'm calling the police, I'm calling right now. :''[Saul sprints out of the kitchen and exits the house. Marion looks on in shock.]'' === ''Saul Gone'' [6.13] === == External links == {{wikipedia}} [[Category:Better Call Saul seasons]] [[Category:Split television seasons]] 7qu4fqpuior00lembdnun89pl3rsjgv 3153107 3153075 2022-08-10T02:19:53Z Jzummak 26978 /* Waterworks [6.12] */ "He didn't suffer" is not a question, so the question mark goes outside the quotation marks, citing https://www.thesaurus.com/e/grammar/does-punctuation-go-inside-or-outside-quotation-marks/. Also, Bernalillo County is where Albuquerque is. wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} ---- :'''Season''' [[Better Call Saul (season 1)|1]] [[Better Call Saul (season 2)|2]] [[Better Call Saul (season 3)|3]] [[Better Call Saul (season 4)|4]] [[Better Call Saul (season 5)|5]] [[Better Call Saul (season 6)|6]] | [[Better Call Saul|'''Main''']] ---- The following is a list of quotes from the sixth season of ''[[Better Call Saul]]''. === ''[[w:Wine and Roses|Wine and Roses]]'' [6.01] === :''[Mike, Gus, and Tyrus gather in the office trailer at the Los Pollos Hermanos chicken farm to discuss the aftermath of the attempted hit on Lalo Salamanca.]'' :'''Gus:''' Tell me again about the ''sicario'' who made the final report. :'''Tyrus:''' He was already wounded when he talked to our cutout. Federales found him dead at the scene. But they got Salamanca. :'''Gus:''' The mercenaries are dead. To a man. And yet their mission was a success? :'''Mike:''' It has been known to happen. Now you go down there and get Varga, bring him home safe. There's ways to do it on the quiet. :''[Long pause; Gus and Tyrus both stare at him.]'' :'''Mike:''' ''[scoffs]'' ...Unless you already have something in the works. :''[Tyrus turns and exits the trailer. Mike and Gus speak alone.]'' :'''Gus:''' Speak your mind. :'''Mike:''' Loyalty goes both ways. Varga's done everything you asked him. :'''Gus:''' He wasn't given a choice. :'''Mike:''' Maybe so, but he played a tough game. And he played it on the square. :'''Gus:''' ...And? :'''Mike:''' When all is said and done, the kid deserves your respect. :'''Gus:''' He has it. Is there more you wish to say? :''[After a long pause, Mike exits the trailer.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jimmy and Kim have dinner at a diner; conversation turns to the Ford Taurus that Jimmy has rented.]'' :'''Jimmy:''' I rented us a car. It's the Ford. :'''Kim:''' So Saul Goodman drives a brown Ford Taurus? :'''Jimmy:''' Detroit calls that taupe, I believe. :'''Kim:''' Don't you think Saul Goodman would drive something with a little more... flair? :'''Jimmy:''' Such as? :'''Kim:''' I don't know. Definitely American-made. Something showy. And Saul Goodman has an office. Something eye-catching. Good location. :'''Jimmy:''' By the courthouse? :'''Kim:''' Yeah. A cathedral of justice. :'''Jimmy:''' ''Ooooh'', a cathedral of justice. Okay, yeah. :'''Kim:''' We should start looking for something for you. I mean, for Saul. :'''Jimmy:''' Sold. When do we start? <hr width="50%"/> :''[At the courthouse, Jimmy is confronted by the district attorney who prosecuted Lalo during his bail hearing]'' :'''ADA Khalil''': I've been calling you for two days. :'''Jimmy''': Oh, my girl's out sick. What can I do you for? :'''ADA Khalil''': Tomorrow morning, 10 A.M. :'''Jimmy''': Brunch? But just you and me, right? ''[points at Detective Roberts]'' I mean, won't the big fella here feel like a third wheel? :'''ADA Khalil''': You and I are meeting Parson in chambers. I am asking for an emergency hearing to alter the terms of De Guzman's release. :'''Jimmy''': Sounds like a blast. Unfortunately, I'm booked solid. :'''Detective Roberts''': I checked your client's place of residence. The address he gave, it's a Dairy Queen in Altamonte. The family that showed at the bail hearing can't be located. No driver's license, no tax rolls, no school records. Nothing. The fact is, there isn't a single Elizabeth McKinnon under the age of 73 living in New Mexico. :'''Jimmy''': Well, this is–this is surprising. :'''ADA Khalil''': Your client has disappeared, and I'm not waiting six weeks to start looking for him. :'''Jimmy''': Hey, my guy put up seven million in bail. You think he's just gonna walk away from that? :'''Detective Roberts''': Who comes up with seven million bucks in cash? :'''ADA Khalil''': You know what I think? I think the family was fake. ''[to Jimmy]'' And I think you knew it the whole time. :'''Jimmy''': Okay, hold up. Just get real for a second. The hearing didn't go your way, and now you're trying for a do-over? You say my guy ran, I say he's got seven million reasons for showing up when he's legally required to do so. So, no, I won't be... uh, due process window dressing at any crash meeting with Parson. And if you try throwing any of this crap around in front of the judge without my presence, here's an accusation: Prosecutorial misconduct. ''Career-ending'' prosecutorial misconduct! :'''Detective Roberts''': None of that changes the fact the guy's not who he said he was. :'''Jimmy''': No, no, no! Hold on! You guys got caught with your pants around your ankles, and somehow that's on me?! I don't think so! ''[points at ADA Khalil]'' You got two dozen lawyers up there! You got investigators—you got the whole damn police force—and it's ''my'' fault that you can't keep track of Lalo?! ''That is '''not''' my job!'' :'''ADA Khalil''': Lalo? Who's Lalo? :'''Jimmy''': What?! ''[blinks hard]'' What did I say... I meant De Guzman. I have more than one client! ''[chuckles]'' So... ''[clears throat]'' I will see you at the preliminary in six weeks as scheduled. Until then, I have clients who need me. :''[Jimmy walks into an empty courtroom and sits down while contemplating his slip-up]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jimmy takes a guided tour of the country club where Howard and Cliff are members, meeting with a tour guide named Norm in the main lounge.]'' :'''Norm:''' Hi, Norm Wakely. I understand you're in the market for a tour. :'''Jimmy:''' That's right. Saul Goodman. :'''Norm:''' Great to meet you, Mr. Goodman. :'''Jimmy:''' No please, call me Saul. :'''Norm:''' Great. So Saul, can I get you anything before we get started? The coffee here is just unbeatable. :'''Jimmy:''' Uh, well, I'm fine. I'm fully caffeinated. :''[Kevin Wachtell walks into the room and becomes upset upon seeing Jimmy in the lounge.]'' :'''Norm:''' Well Saul, you and I are standing on hallowed ground. Five presidents have played on our course, starting with Dwight D. Eisenhower. But the story goes back even further than that– :'''Kevin:''' ''Norm.'' :''[Jimmy and Norm turn toward Kevin.]'' :'''Kevin:''' Can I have a sec, please? :'''Jimmy:''' Kevin, hey. How's it going? :'''Norm:''' Uh, I'm sorry. I'm sure this will just be a moment. :''[Norm goes over to Kevin and talks to him for a few moments, clearly being instructed to remove Jimmy from the premises.]'' :'''Norm:''' Mr. Goodman. I'm so sorry, but I've just been reminded that in fact we have a two-year waiting list. :'''Jimmy:''' Two years, wow. Maybe I could go on the tour anyway. I mean, 'cause I'm here. Just in case. :'''Norm:''' Well unfortunately, we've suspended tours for the moment. :'''Jimmy:''' You're not even giving tours? :'''Norm:''' I apologize for the inconvenience. We–we'll be happy to call you if the situation changes. You left your number? :'''Jimmy:''' Uh-huh. :'''Norm:''' Well, we'll be in touch. If the situation changes. Again, I–I am sorry for your time and trouble. We just– ''[sighs]'' We had a few crosswires. :'''Jimmy:''' Well... okay then. :'''Norm:''' Thank you. :''[Jimmy is about the leave the lounge, but impulsively stops, turns around, and approaches Norm again.]'' :'''Jimmy:''' I'm sorry. :'''Norm:''' Oh, yes. :'''Jimmy:''' Um, just so I understand: you were going to give me a tour and then realized you don't need new members? :'''Norm:''' We have a waiting list. :'''Jimmy:''' Okay, but you're the membership director... :'''Norm:''' I know. :'''Jimmy:''' ...so you would have known that before. It doesn't really add up. I mean, I came in and everyone was rolling out the red carpet, and then all of a sudden something changed. I don't– :'''Norm:''' Mr. Goodman, I– :'''Jimmy:''' ''Goodman.'' The name. The second you heard it, everything turned on a dime. Wow. Waiting list? I think you're talking about an ''exclusion'' list. It's okay, I should have known. Because, I mean, look! ''[raises his voice and walks to the middle of the lounge, where everyone can see him]'' It's wall-to-wall mayonnaise in here! So listen, if you're going to be restrictive, have the courage to say so! :'''Norm:''' There's no question– :'''Jimmy:''' There it is, folks! Anti-Semitism, alive and well right here in Albuquerque! :'''Norm:''' Sir! We have many Jewish members! :'''Jimmy:''' Oh good. Well, you met your quota then. Gold star for you. :''[Kevin, flanked by two of his golf buddies, interjects.]'' :'''Kevin:''' Hold on. That's gotta be the biggest load of horse crap I've ever heard in my life. Go crawl back in your hole, McGill or Goodman – whatever you're calling yourself. What are you up to, anyway? Ginning up another one of your put-up job lawsuits? You two-faced, blackmailing, money-grubbing son of a bitch– :'''Jimmy:''' Money-grubbing! You're saying the quiet part out loud, I think. :'''Norm:''' Gentlemen, can we just keep the volume down? :'''Kevin:''' You know damn well that's not what I meant! :'''Jimmy:''' In this day and age, I'd hoped and prayed we'd be beyond this. :'''Kevin:''' You're about as Jewish as my Aunt Fannie! :'''Jimmy:''' Five-thousand years and it never ends! :''[Kevin tries to take a swing at Jimmy, but is held back by his golf buddies.]'' :'''Jimmy:''' ''Here it is! Violence! It always comes to this!'' :'''Norm:''' Mr. Wachtell, please! :'''Kevin's Buddy:''' Come on, Kev. :'''Kevin:''' ''[to Jimmy]'' You go to hell, you lying sack of shit. :''[Kevin and his golf buddies leave the lounge.]'' :'''Norm:''' Sir. Mr. Goodman, I don't know what to say. That is not– :'''Jimmy:''' I wouldn't be a member here. I wouldn't walk through those doors again after what happened to me here today. ''[feigns tears]'' Do you at least have a bathroom that I could use, seeing as how my– Stress like that is hell on my diverticulitis. :'''Norm:''' The men's locker room is the closest. It's straight through there. :'''Jimmy:''' And I would be allowed to go in there? :'''Norm:''' Yes, of course. :'''Jimmy:''' I want you to know I don't blame you personally. I know you were just following orders. ''[to everyone in the lounge]'' It's okay, folks! I'm leaving! All is well! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lalo is preparing to be smuggled across the border with a group of undocumented immigrants when he decides to call the Casa Tranquila Nursing Home and speak to Hector. A nurse holds a phone up to Hector's ear in the common room. Hector uses his bell to communicate.]'' :'''Lalo:''' ''[in Spanish]'' Uncle, can you hear me? Do you know my voice? :''[Hector visibly recognizes Lalo's voice.]'' :'''Hector:''' ''[rings bell twice]'' :'''Lalo:''' They told you about the attack, didn't they? :'''Hector:''' ''[rings once]'' :'''Lalo:''' Let them keep believing I'm dead. So much the better. It was the chicken man. That coward sat up there in the north while his paramilitaries came into my home. My home, Uncle! Screw Bolsa, screw Eladio. I'm coming north. I'm going to hurt him. Hurt him like you taught me. And then I will kill him. :'''Hector:''' ''[rings repeatedly in agreement]'' :'''Lalo:''' What is it? :''[The nurse takes the phone from Hector.]'' :'''Nurse:''' Hector? ''[to Lalo]'' Excuse me. I'm so sorry, but Hector seems a little upset. :'''Lalo:''' ''[in English]'' Yeah, sorry. Um, I'm just– I'm sharing a bit of family news, some good, some bad. Would you mind putting him back on? It will only be a minute. :'''Nurse:''' Of course. :''[The nurse again holds the phone to Hector's ear.]'' :'''Lalo:''' ''[in Spanish]'' Uncle? :'''Hector:''' ''[rings twice]'' :'''Lalo:''' What is it? Do you have another idea? :'''Hector:''' ''[rings twice]'' :'''Lalo:''' Okay, let's see. A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, Ñ, O, P– :'''Hector:''' ''[rings once]'' :'''Lalo:''' P? That's right? :'''Hector:''' ''[rings once]'' :'''Lalo:''' Okay. What's next? A, B, C, D... :''[Cut to the common room; Hector rings twice.]'' :'''Lalo:''' ...L, M, N, Ñ... :''[Cut to the common room; Hector rings once.]'' :'''Lalo:''' U? ''Prueba?'' :'''Hector:''' ''[rings once]'' :'''Lalo:''' Is that what you're saying? Proof? :'''Hector:''' ''[rings twice]'' :'''Lalo:''' Uncle, I don't have any proof. For months I was in the north watching him, following his men. There was nothing. :''[Lalo has a flash of realization.]'' :'''Lalo:''' Wait... There is proof. I know where to find it. Goodbye, Uncle. You will see me soon. === ''[[w:Carrot and Stick|Carrot and Stick]]'' [6.02] === :'''Jimmy''': "I was a hard worker. I was a company man. Twenty years, and I didn't miss a single day. They even gave me a plaque for it. ''[sighs]'' It was a gold plaque. Perfect attendance... But when they handed it to me, I wrenched my back. I was in so much pain, I couldn't do my job... ''[sighs again]'' which meant I couldn't put food on the table. I didn't want to sue... but with a family to support, what choice did I have?" :'''Kim''': Wait, who are you supposed to be again? :'''Jimmy''': Whatever. The backstory is just a placeholder. I'm gonna polish the script once we cast. :'''Kim''': But a personal injury suit? Best case scenario, that gets him in with an associate. :'''Jimmy''': ''[throws hands up]'' Mesothelioma. ''[clears his throat]'' "When I took that job down at the shoe factory, I had no idea I was risking my life. Now, I can't stop coughin'!" Right? Come on! Hey, a mesothelioma class-action built Clifford Main his vacation house. He hears "mesothelioma," his eyes pop! :'''Kim''': Well, sure. But then he takes the case. What happens when he asks for a medical evaluation? And how does Howard come up? :'''Jimmy''': Okay, ask me why I'm here. :'''Kim''': What brings you to Davis & Main today? :'''Jimmy''': "I'm sick. I'm really sick..." :'''Kim''': Good. :'''Jimmy''': "...and it's not mesothelioma, but it's not good. And I need a lawyer, and the pickings are slim. I already went to HHM. I met with their top guy, Howard Hamlin, and uh... Uhhh, I–I got a brother-in-law and he's got a pretty nasty coke habit, very similar energy. Just put me off. Anyway, I need a lawyer, blah-blah-blah." :'''Kim''': Okay, but you got a bad feeling from just one meeting? :'''Jimmy''': Yeah, I had the brother-in-law with the coke. :'''Kim''': Yeah, but you were only in the room with him once. :'''Jimmy''': Okay, so it's gotta be something with a history with Howard. :'''Kim''': Yeah. :'''Jimmy''': But Cliff has to want to take the meeting, but not the case. :'''Kim''': Right. :'''Jimmy''': ''[sighs]'' It's gotta be good, but not too good. :'''Kim''': Exactly. There's a sweet spot, you know. Like a magnet. We–we pull Cliff in, and then repel him. ''[beat]'' Oh! :'''Jimmy''': What? :'''Kim''': ''[sighs]'' You are going to ''hate'' this... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jimmy tracks down the Kettlemans to their shady tax preparation office and tries to rope them into his and Kim's plan to ruin Howard]'' :'''Betsy''': ''[to Jimmy]'' You've got some nerve coming here after what you did! ''[shoves Jimmy]'' ''Leave!'' Because of you, we lost ''everything!'' Our kids are in public school! So why don't you go crawl back under whatever slime-covered rock you came from and leave us the heck alone?! :'''Jimmy''': Okay, I sense some anger here, but that's–that's perfectly understandable. Since you brought it up, I came here today because I was curious if you two wanted your lives back. There's actually a legal term for it: Exoneration. :'''Craig''': Oh. You know, we actually did look into that. :'''Betsy''': Yep. :'''Craig''': We went to a number of lawyers, and— :'''Betsy''': ''Real'' lawyers. :'''Craig''': Yes. They were all terrific, but they said that it was impossible. :'''Betsy''': ''Mm-hmm''. :'''Jimmy''': Okay, but those lawyers don't know what I know. :'''Craig''': What's that? :'''Betsy''': No, Craig. He's got an angle. :'''Jimmy''': I ''do'' have an angle, Craig. It's an angle called justice. ''[Betsy scoffs and snickers]'' Let me put it this way: I think that within Craig's case, I have found the grounds for a civil suit. A big one. ''[pause; quietly]'' Big. :'''Betsy''': ''[long pause; looks at Craig]'' Okay, then. Let's hear it. :'''Jimmy''': Let's hold your horses, because we've been down this road before. [[w:Uno (Better Call Saul)|And the last time I gave you two advice, you went straight to the competition with it.]] ''[pulls out a piece of paper from inside his suit]'' So, I just need some assurances that all my hard work isn't gonna end up in the hands of, uh, Clifford Main or some other asshole at some pretentious high-pay, white-shoe law firm. So before we talk turkey, letters of engagement. :'''Craig''': Yes. :'''Jimmy''': Yeah, you remember these. I made some updates, just closed a few loopholes and whatnot. So... ''[holds out paper and pen]'' :'''Betsy''': ''[stops Craig from taking the pen]'' We're not signing anything. :'''Jimmy''': You have to sign if you want to know what I know. :'''Betsy''': ''We're not signing.'' :'''Jimmy''': Really? You're sure? :'''Betsy''': Yep. :'''Jimmy''': Craig? :'''Craig''': ''[looks at Betsy before shaking his head]'' Thanks anyway. :'''Jimmy''': ''[unclicks pen]'' Alright. Well, uh... Sorry we couldn't work something out. :'''Betsy''': I'm sure you are. :''[Jimmy overhears Betsy and Craig arguing as he walks around the trailer. He balls the pen in his fist]'' :'''Craig''': Mr. Goodman! :'''Jimmy''': ''[smiles; clicks pen and takes out letter]'' Best decision you've ever made. ''[turns his back to Craig for him to sign the letter]'' Here you go. :'''Betsy''': ''[after Craig signs the letter]'' So what do you know? :'''Jimmy''': You got one, too, Betsy. ''[holds out another letter]'' :''[Betsy snatches the pen and paper from Jimmy and signs the letter while pressing the pen hard on Jimmy's back]'' :'''Jimmy''': Oh, come on. That's not... ''Ow''. All right. Well, we're officially in business. Now, I have it on good authority here that Craig was not given proper counsel. :'''Betsy''': We already knew that. :'''Jimmy''': But did you ask yourselves why? :'''Craig''': No. Why? :'''Jimmy''': What if I told you that in your hour of need, the person who was supposed to be on your side was impaired? :'''Craig''': Impaired? :'''Jimmy''': It's a... a person of substance. ''[as Betsy and Craig talk to each other quietly]'' Substance in question being a certain illegal white powder. :'''Betsy''': That awful woman with the ponytail is a cocaine addict. :'''Jimmy''': No, not Kim Wexler! No! Craig's lead attorney, Howard Hamlin! :'''Craig''': Oh. I thought he was so... professional and energetic. Upbeat. :'''Betsy''': Oh... :'''Jimmy''': "Oh," is right. :'''Craig''': So upbeat is bad? :'''Jimmy''': In this case, it's textbook malpractice. The magic phrase is, "ineffective assistance of counsel." If your guy wasn't nose deep in the devil's dandruff, well, Craig's case would've turned out completely different. :'''Craig''': Oh, my God! :'''Betsy''': Don't we need some kind of proof? :'''Jimmy''': All the dirty laundry comes out in discovery. It’s just trips to rehab, secret drug deals. All we gotta do is get the ball rolling. So, I say we get started on your affidavits. :'''Craig''': Yes. :'''Betsy''': About that. We happen to know a thing or two about our rights, Mr. McGill. And it doesn’t matter what you force us to sign. We don’t have to work with any lawyer we don’t want. ''[gets in Jimmy's face]'' And that means... you’re fired. :'''Jimmy''': I am not fired. :'''Betsy''': Oh yes, you are! :'''Jimmy''': No! No! :'''Craig''': He’s fired? :'''Betsy''': Craig! :'''Jimmy''': No, you can’t fire me! I found this case, it’s mine! Hey, you wanna hear about rights?! The second you say where you got this information from, guess who automatically gets a cut?! ''Me! So go ahead! Go ahead, see what happens!'' :''[Jimmy pretends to be upset after the Kettlemans leave, but slowly starts smiling as he walks away]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Gus and Juan Bolsa visit Hector at Casa Tranquila to send their condolences, still believing that Lalo is dead. The dialogue is in Spanish.]'' :'''Bolsa''': He wishes to make amends. At least hear him out. :'''Gus''': Don Hector. It's no secret that I did not see eye to eye with your nephew. And while the friction between your family and myself did not start with him, today I am reminded we are all Eladio's men. No matter our disagreements, a strike against one is a strike against all. I hope you will accept my condolences and my support as you navigate this terrible loss. :'''Bolsa''': Gustavo speaks the truth. In this matter, he and I both stand shoulder to shoulder behind the Salamanca family. We are still looking for the traitor, Ignacio Varga. ''[places hand on Hector's shoulder]'' We will find him. And then your family will have justice. :''[Hector slowly reaches his hand out to Gus. As Gus holds his hand, he notices a change of expression on Hector's face and stares at him. Cut to outside the nursing home.]'' :'''Bolsa''': ''[to Gus in English]'' We'll be in touch. :''[Gus calls Mike on his cell phone after Bolsa drives away]'' :'''Mike''': What did you learn? :'''Gus''': Lalo Salamanca lives. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jimmy gets a call from Betsy Kettleman after she finds out there was no case against Howard]'' :'''Jimmy''': Saul Goodman, speedy justice for you. Oh, wait! Okay, just take a breath, and then we can... Okay, okay. I can tell you're upset. Just... I–I never advised that. No. ''[sighs]'' No, I did not, so let's agree to disagree. ''[pause]'' Okay, I think you're going to want to meet in person before you do anything rash. So how about–how about we meet up, and we can hash this out. ''[pause]'' Yeah, sure! Tomorrow, first thing. Uh, 9 A.M, I can come to your office. That work? ...Okay, okay! Good! ''[hangs up]'' :'''Kim''': I'm surprised it took them this long. You, uh... You're gonna use the stick, right? :'''Jimmy''': The stick? Well, it's a big stick. But I know these people, they're more carrot types. Especially her. ''[takes out cash and puts the bills in his suit pocket]'' Spoonful of sugar, you know? :'''Kim''': ''[beat]'' I think maybe I'll come, too. :'''Jimmy''': Tomorrow? Really? :'''Kim''': Sure. I have time. :'''Jimmy''': ''[pause]'' Okay. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tyrus''': They found the truck, but no sign of Varga. Salamancas have all eyes looking for him, including the federales. Still not picking up his cell, so nobody got a lock on it. Now as for Lalo, still missing. As far as everybody in the cartel is concerned, top to bottom, Lalo is dead. :'''Mike''': May I offer a thought? ''[pause; to Gus]'' If Salamanca was coming straight for you, he'd be here already. We've got guys watching anywhere he might turn up this side of Mexico. Wire taps on any phone he might call. There is not a whiff of him. Now, my guess is he's smart enough to know it's not in the Salamanca family interest to take you out without a reason the bosses can get behind. So, the odds are he's searching for Varga. Finds him alive, gets him to talk. ''[pause; Gus remains silent]'' Varga's alone in foreign territory, no one he can trust. The kid's smart, but he's not gonna last. ''[Gus stands up]'' He's gonna get caught. :''[Gus accidentally knocks a glass over and kneels down to pick up the shards from the floor]'' :'''Gus''': Continue. :'''Mike''': The best way to handle this: I take four of our best guys, cross the border and track Varga down. Let me find him, bring him back before the Salamancas sweep him up. It's our only play. :''[After cleaning up the broken glass, Gus throws it away and looks out a nearby window]'' :'''Gus''': ''[beat; in Spanish]'' Varga's father. Bring him here. :'''Mike''': No. You're not doing that. ''[locks the door after Tyrus gets his gun out]'' You don't understand. That's not happening. :'''Tyrus''': ''[walks up to Mike and aims gun at him]'' Just say the word. :'''Mike''': Whatever happens next... it's not gonna go down the way you think it is. :''[Mike stares at Tyrus, who cocks his gun and waits for Mike to make a move.]'' :'''Mike''': ''[beat; hears cell phone vibrating]'' It's him. :'''Tyrus''': Bullshit. I've been calling Varga for hours. He hasn't picked up once. :'''Mike''': He's been trying to get me since he left the Salamancas. ''[opens phone]'' You want me to answer it? :''[Tyrus turns to Gus, who nods. Mike answers the phone and speaks to Nacho]'' :'''Mike''': Yeah. ''[pause]'' Yeah. ...Not my call. ''[pause]'' That's up to you. ''[to Gus]'' He wants to talk to you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Betsy:''' You used us &ndash; us and our good name &ndash; to character-assassinate Howard Hamlin. Somehow, some way, it benefits you to tear him down. :'''Craig:''' Yeah. And we're&ndash;we're mad. :'''Jimmy:''' Okay, yeah. I'm hearing a lot of unfounded accusations being tossed around. I don't know anything about schemes or character assassination or whatnot, but... ''[clears throat]'' if you're feeling slighted, we can make it right. ''[Jimmy hands Betsy a bundle of cash]'' :'''Betsy:''' Money? ''[scoffs]'' Money's not gonna take care of this. :'''Jimmy:''' Money takes care of everything. Isn't that the motto stitched onto the Kettleman family crest? :'''Betsy:''' We don't want money. :'''Jimmy:''' I am non-plussed. I'm guessing you want something. :'''Betsy:''' Do what you promised. :'''Jimmy:''' Do what I what? :'''Betsy:''' Exonerate Craig. Get his good name back. :'''Jimmy:''' Alright. Well, as you've been advised, for a number of reasons that's not gonna happen. :'''Betsy:''' It ''is'' gonna happen. It is. It's... You're just gonna have to figure out a way. :'''Craig:''' If anyone can do this, it's you. :'''Betsy:''' I know you don't want us going to Howard Hamlin. Because whatever it is you're up to, I'm sure he would be ''very'' interested. :'''Jimmy:''' Okay, let's just go easy on the threats. :'''Betsy:''' We want our lives back! The way they were before. ''Before.'' We lost everything! And we don't deserve any of this. :'''Kim:''' Okay. Enough carrot. ''[clears throat]'' :''[Kim turns to the home phone next to her and begins to dial]'' :'''Craig:''' Dial 9 to get out. :'''Kim:''' Oh, thank you. :'''Betsy:''' ''[whispering; to Craig]'' We didn't give her permission to use the phone. :'''Craig:''' ''[whispering; to Betsy]'' She needs to use the phone. :'''Jimmy:''' Kim... ? :''[The line connects; Kim speaks through the phone's speaker]'' :'''Receptionist:''' Internal Revenue Service, Albuquerque. :'''Kim:''' Hi. Could you put me through to Justin Stangel in Criminal Investigations? :'''Receptionist:''' One moment, please. :'''Betsy:''' ''[to Kim]'' What are you doing? Excuse me! :'''Justin:''' This is Justin. :'''Kim:''' Justin, Kim Wexler. How are you? :'''Justin:''' Hey, Kim. Good to hear from you. :'''Kim:''' How are Noreen and the boys? :'''Justin:''' Oh, hanging in. Noreen always talks about having you by for dinner some time. :'''Kim:''' We should do that. Tell her to call me. Listen, I was wondering who your CID officer is these days. :'''Justin:''' You have something for us? :'''Kim:''' Oh, I just might: Tax preparer fraud. A lot of it. :'''Justin:''' I'm listening. :'''Kim:''' Well, it's this, uh, run-down little mom-and-pop outfit I've had my eye on for a while. ''[chuckles]'' Don't ask me why. Clearly, I need to get a life. But from what I can glean, their clients always end up with smaller refunds than they deserve. :'''Betsy:''' ''[whispering]'' Please don't do this. :'''Justin:''' Do the clients sign over third-party authorization? :'''Kim:''' Bingo. So what I'm thinking is, these creeps file legit returns with you guys, give the clients fake ones that show about half the proper amount, and then pocket the difference. :'''Justin:''' Classic scam. Well, I know just the guy to go after these dirtbags. Tony Oropallo. Real bulldog. I'll transfer you over. :'''Kim:''' Such a big help, Justin. :'''Justin:''' You got it. Talk soon. :'''Betsy:''' You don't have to do this. :'''Kim:''' ''[to Betsy]'' Don't I? Betsy... You'll probably get twenty-four months, maybe eighteen with good behavior. But Craig? You are a two-time loser. They will definitely make an example out of you. Each false return they discover will be a separate felony. What are we talking? A hundred? :'''Betsy:''' Uh... :'''Kim:''' Two-hundred? :'''Tony:''' ''[beat]'' CID, Anthony Oropallo speaking. :''[Betsy runs to the phone and slams down the receiver to end the call]'' :'''Betsy:''' Please. We'll do anything. Just tell us. :'''Kim:''' ''[beat]'' Why would I believe ''you?'' Huh? :'''Craig:''' Please. :'''Kim:''' ''[long pause]'' First. First, you contact every person you've ripped off. Tell them you made an accounting error, tell them you're crooks who had a change of heart, I don't care. Give them what they are legally owed. Everything you stole. And then after that, you're going to forget you ever heard the name Howard Hamlin. I'm keeping my eye on both of you. You think you've lost everything? ''You have no idea.'' :''[Kim leaves the room with Jimmy while the Kettlemans stand shellshocked, on the verge of tears]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jimmy:''' [[w:Inflatable (Better Call Saul)|Wolves and sheep]]. :'''Kim:''' Huh? :'''Jimmy:''' ...Nothing. === ''[[w:Rock and Hard Place|Rock and Hard Place]]'' [6.03] === :''[Nacho calls his father from an auto shop while on the run]'' :'''Manuel''': A-to-Z Fine Upholstery. Hello? :'''Nacho''': Dad. It's me. :'''Manuel''': Nacho? :'''Nacho''': ''Si'', Papa. ''Hola''. :'''Manuel''': ''[sighs]'' ''Hola, hijo.'' ''[in Spanish]'' How are you? :'''Nacho''': ''[in Spanish]'' Good, good. Um... just wanted to hear your voice. :'''Manuel''': Nacho, where are you? You sound strange. :''[pause]'' :'''Nacho''': It's not important.... I was just checking in, that's all. :'''Manuel''': Okay. ''Hijo'', I have lots of work to do. We've been through this, so many times. You know what you have to do... go to the police. :'''Nacho''': Yes, Papa. I understand... I hear you. :''[pause]'' :'''Manuel''': What else is there to say? Hmm? Goodbye, ''hijo''. :'''Nacho''': ''[choked up]'' Goodbye, Papa. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Nacho calls Mike at an auto repair shop in Mexico while on the run from the Salamancas]'' :'''Mike''': Yeah. :'''Nacho''': It's me. :'''Mike''': Yeah. :'''Nacho''': You knew. You knew that I was going to Mexico to die, that I was never supposed to make it out of that motel. And you let it happen. :'''Mike''': Not my call. :'''Nacho''': What happens now? :'''Mike''': That's up to you. :'''Nacho''': Is that bastard with you? Put him on. :'''Mike''': Hmm. ''[to Gus]'' He wants to talk to you. :'''Gus''': ''[takes cell phone from Mike; to Nacho]'' Yes. :'''Nacho''': You are screwed. ''[pause]'' You want the cartel to blame me for Lalo. But if they catch me, and make me talk? ''Ooh...'' That is not good for you, is it? Even if I disappear, everyone's gonna smell your stink all over it. The only way that this works for you is with me dead. ''[beat]'' Alright. Whatever bullshit way you want the story to go, I will make it go. But... I need one thing. :'''Gus''': Yes? :'''Nacho''': My dad. I need to know that he will be safe. :'''Gus''': If you are true to your word, there will be no reason for anyone to harm your father. :'''Nacho''': ''You'' are not the one that I need to hear it from. :''[Gus puts the phone on speaker so Mike can speak to Nacho]'' :'''Mike''': Your dad's gonna be okay. :'''Nacho''': How do you know? :'''Mike''': Because anyone who goes after him is gonna have to come through me. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jimmy and Huell sit in a car; Jimmy pays Huell for duplicating the keys to Howard's Jaguar]'' :'''Huell:''' Can I ask you sum'n? :'''Jimmy:''' Sure, go ahead. :'''Huell:''' Personal, kind of. :'''Jimmy:''' Okay. What? :'''Huell:''' You're a lawyer. You make good money, right? :'''Jimmy:''' Good days and bad, but yeah. :'''Huell:''' Legit money, on the level. :'''Jimmy:''' Yeah, so? :'''Huell:''' Your wife's a lawyer. A legit lawyer. :'''Jimmy:''' Yeah. :'''Huell:''' Why you do all this? :'''Jimmy:''' Oh, I got you. I&ndash;I know from the outside that this looks like just another scam, but you're not seeing the bigger picture. Couple months from now, there are people whose lives are gonna be way better. Because of this. We're making a real difference. Trust me. We're doing the Lord's work here. :'''Huell:''' ''Hmph''. If you say so. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jimmy''': What's going on? :'''Kim''': I have news, Jimmy. Lalo is dead. :'''Jimmy''': ''[exhales deeply]'' Holy shit. :'''Kim''': The DA's office put it together that Lalo was calling himself De Guzman. They are pretty upset they let him go. :'''Jimmy''': I'll bet they are. :'''Kim''': Ericsen seems to think that if Lalo lied to you and you didn't know about the pseudonym, that you could break confidentiality. She wants you to talk. She says it's right. :'''Jimmy''': Well, what do you think we should do? :'''Kim''': You... should do whatever you want, Jimmy. They don't have anything on you. It's just a fishing expedition to see if you bite. :'''Jimmy''': ''[pause]'' You think I should do it? :'''Kim''': It depends. :'''Jimmy''': On what? :'''Kim''': Well... ''[sighs]'' I guess it's basically... Do you want to be a friend of the cartel or... do you want to be a rat? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Nacho is driven to a remote location with Gus, Tyrus and Victor. There they meet Juan Bolsa, Hector Salamanca, and the Cousins. Bolsa kneels next to Nacho.]'' :'''Bolsa:''' Today, you are going to die. But there are good deaths, and there are bad deaths. Tell me what I need to know, I'll see that your death is a good one. Who put you up to this? :''[Nacho glances at Gus, as if he's about to turn on him]'' :'''Bolsa:''' One last chance. ''Who?'' ''[long pause; scoffs and gets up to leave]'' :'''Nacho:''' It was Alvarez. Los Odios, out of Peru. They paid me to set up your nephew. And I did. :''[Hector furiously rings his bell and attempts to point to Gus, who he knows is the real culprit]'' :'''Bolsa:''' Alvarez, we know. Los Odios, we know. Was anyone else involved? :'''Nacho:''' ''[scoffs; nods to Gus]'' Him? You think the chicken man? ''Heh.'' What a joke. Alvarez has been paying me for years &ndash; ''years''. ''[to the Salamancas]'' But you know what? I would have done it for free. Because I hate every last one of you psycho sacks of shit. I opened Lalo's gate, and I would do it again. And I'm glad what they did to him. He's a soulless pig, and I wished I'd killed him with my own hands. And you know what else, Hector? I put you in that chair. Oh, yeah. Your heart meds? I switched them for sugar pills. You were dead and buried, and I had to watch ''this'' asshole... ''[gestures to Gus]'' ...bring you back. So when you are sitting in your shitty nursing home and you're sucking down on your Jell-O night after night for the rest of your life, ''you think of '''me,''' you twisted fuck.'' === ''[[w:Hit and Run (Better Call Saul)|Hit and Run]]'' [6.04] === :'''Jimmy:''' What kind of asshole moves a cone?! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jimmy''': So, I pull the Jag into the loading zone. And I start scrappin' with this hunk of metal. It was in deep—like, "down a well" deep—so I just... wrassled it! UGH! ''[Kim laughs hysterically]'' Like a freakin' bear, and I jam it in the dirt in front of the Jag! Boom! Barely made it out of there with the skin of my teeth. ''Who moves cones?'' Who does that? :'''Kim''': Narcissists. :'''Jimmy''': Heh, you're damn right. So you think Cliff really bought it, huh? :'''Kim''': One hundred percent! You should've seen his face. It landed, trust me. God, it was... beautiful. ''[pause]'' Oh, and that is not all. :'''Jimmy''': Spill. :'''Kim''': So... I'm doing the stall. I'm telling Cliff what I'm doing—what I wanna be doing. All I'm thinking is, I gotta stretch this out until you get there, but then... I don't know. I... kinda got caught up in it, and then... Cliff went for it. I mean, like, ''really'' went for it. :'''Jimmy''': What does that mean? Like, money? :'''Kim''': I don't think he'll write a check himself, but he knows people. And I think he'll deliver. :'''Jimmy''': You're kidding! :'''Kim''': I know! How great is that? :'''Jimmy''': This is unbelievable. ''[Kim laughs]'' Are we on a roll, or are we on a roll? Jeez! :'''Kim''': ''[beat]'' You ever feel like you're being followed? ''[pause]'' When I dropped Wendy off at the motel, she thought she was being watched by some undercover cops. But then when I drove away... that same car was behind ''me.'' Right after I spotted them, they disappeared. :'''Jimmy''': Well, you know what they say: The wicked flee where no man pursueth. :'''Kim''': ...You think we're wicked? :'''Jimmy''': No. What? ''[chuckles]'' It's just a turn of phrase. I think you're wicked hot. ''[pause]'' Alright. Listen to the voice of experience, okay? You know why you're feeling like this? Because we got away with it. It seems too good to be true, but trust me. Nobody is following you. ''[takes Kim's hand]'' No one knows what we're doing except for us. Okay? :'''Kim''': ''[pause]'' Okay. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jimmy confronts Bill Oakley at the courthouse when he notices his colleagues' cold treatment of him]'' :'''Jimmy''': What the hell is going on?! How come everyone's treating me like I'm covered in oozing pus sores? :'''Bill''': I liked you better when you were just a regular bottom feeder. But this? :'''Jimmy''': This? What is, "this?" :'''Bill''': I understand advocating for your client. Deep in my heart, I get it. But you scammed the court. You scammed the judge, and for what? To get a murdering cartel psychopath back out on the street? It's just... wrong. :'''Jimmy''': That's a lot of big talk, Bill. Prove it. Prove it, Bill! :'''Bill''': There's proving, and then there's knowing. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': They're gone. :'''Kim''': I'm sorry? :'''Mike''': The two men that were following you. They're gone. :'''Kim''': Do I know you? :'''Mike''': Would you mind sitting for a moment, and I will answer any questions I can. ''[pause; Kim sits down next to Mike]'' I have men watching you and your husband. I'm not with the police, and as far as I know, they're not investigating either of you. I ''do'' know that you've been up to a few things that you probably would rather keep private. I don't care. That's not what this is about. I'm trying to solve a problem of my own. :'''Kim''': What problem? :'''Mike''': Lalo Salamanca. :'''Kim''': Lalo Salamanca's dead. ''[beat; Mike says nothing and stares at Kim]'' He... isn't. :'''Mike''': We're watching anyone he might contact. That includes you and your husband. Most likely, he'll never reach out. He's got bigger fish to fry. But in the thousand to one chance that he does... :'''Kim''': And who do you work for? :'''Mike''': I said I would answer anything I can. :'''Kim''': ''[long pause]'' [[w:Bagman (Better Call Saul)|You're the guy from the desert]]. The one who was out there with Jimmy. Why are you telling me this and not him? :'''Mike''': Because I think you're made of sterner stuff. ''[pause; gets up]'' Alright. Now here's what's best for everyone. You spot my guys again—which I'm hoping you won't—let them go about their business. Just pretend they're not there. And pretty soon, they won't be. You and your husband just... go on living your lives. ''[starts to leave]'' :'''Kim''': I do know you. You worked in the parking booth at the courthouse. ''[pause]'' You were the attendant. :'''Mike''': ...I was. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kim meets Jimmy at a strip mall where an office space is available for lease]'' :'''Kim''': What are we doing here? :'''Jimmy''': Take a look. What do you think? :'''Kim''': About what? :'''Jimmy''': My new office. Potentially. Come on. :''[They both peer through the storefront windows of the office, which is empty except for a lone toilet]'' :'''Kim''': Huh. :'''Jimmy''': Mrs. Nguyen kicked me to the curb. :'''Kim''': What? Why? :'''Jimmy''': It's a long story, but upshot is she wants me out of there with extreme prejudice. :'''Kim''': Wow. Bad day, huh? :'''Jimmy''': Well, no. It was a... great day. With actual paying clients. The word is out! People were throwing cash retainers at me just to say Saul Goodman is their lawyer. :'''Kim''': Because of who you represented. :'''Jimmy''': Well, I mean, that's part of it. But the bottom line is I need a new place for new business pronto. Now, this place is a shithole, but the price is right. And I think I can talk the landlord into a month-to-month. So, it's temporary until I find something better. ''[sighs; pause]'' Hey. What do you think? :'''Kim''': ''[beat]'' It's small. It's... dirty. And this whole place smells funny. ''[pause]'' But the courthouse is five blocks away. You can't get to MDC without driving past. Parking is good, bail bond row isn't far, and uh... Taco Cabeza is just around the corner. Might be a diamond in the rough. Just promise me... you won't move the toilet. :'''Jimmy''': ''[chuckles]'' There it is. Alright. Uh... speaking of Taco Cabeza. :'''Kim''': I'm starving. Let's do it. === ''[[w:Black and Blue (Better Call Saul)|Black and Blue]]'' [6.05] === :''[Cliff informs Howard about witnessing Jimmy throw Wendy out of Howard's car]'' :'''Howard:''' I threw a woman out of my car? In the middle of the street? And I&ndash;''zip''&ndash;I just drive right past you? I... That's what you're saying? I-I-I don't even... I don't know how to respond to that. :'''Cliff:''' I'm not asking you to respond. I just need you to know that ''I'' know. :'''Howard:''' It wasn't me, Cliff. Whoever you think you saw&ndash; :'''Cliff:''' Yeah, sorry, but that's the kind of thing my son used to say. It was your Jaguar, your "Namaste" plate. It was you! Howard, there's no harm in asking for help. You got a lot of people in your corner. :'''Howard:''' So there's the-the baggie at the county club. :'''Cliff:''' Yes. :'''Howard:''' After that, some clients&ndash;who you can't name because of privilege&ndash;make insinuations. Then on Thursday, you have a business meeting and you witness a Jaguar speeding past. ''[beat]'' Who were you meeting with? :'''Cliff:''' Not sure why that's germaine, but... Kim Wexler. She came to me for career advice. :''[Howard's face becomes awash with realization]'' :'''Howard:''' ''Mmm.'' All right. ''[pause]'' Okay. ''[takes out his cell phone]'' Of course. ''[scoffs]'' Of course. ''[to Cliff]'' Cliff, I know this wasn't easy for you. You came to me as a friend. I appreciate it. :'''Cliff:''' You can start today, Howard. :'''Howard:''' Oh, I will. Because you're right, I ''do'' have a problem. Just not the problem you think. I have a Jimmy McGill problem. :'''Cliff:''' Jimmy McGill?! :'''Howard:''' You'll have to excuse me. :'''Cliff:''' Howard! :'''Howard:''' ''[to his secretary on the phone]'' Julie. Cancel my week. Yes, my whole week. :'''Cliff:''' Howard! :''[Howard climbs into his Jaguar and drives away]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jimmy walks into a boxing club and sees Howard, who pretended to be a potential client named "Mr. Ward"]'' :'''Howard''': Hello, Jimmy. :'''Jimmy''': Mr. Ward, I presume. As in... H.O. Ward. That is really cute, Howard. So, wait. That means that you're the guy who shanked some dude in a rumble near Central Pen. ''[sighs]'' That's—that's very street of you. :'''Howard''': I thought it sounded like a Saul Goodman kind of case. :'''Jimmy''': ...Alright, so what are we doing here? :'''Howard''': I'm tired, Jimmy. You and me, us. I'm tired of this. Aren't you? It's exhausting. ''[points at boxing ring behind him]'' Let's punch it out. :'''Jimmy''': ''[chuckles]'' Are you kidding? :'''Howard''': Dead serious. Hoping you might get it out of your system. Do I think it'll work? ''[shrugs]'' I don't know. Call it a Hail Mary. I have the gear, I rented the ring. It's just you and me... ''[points at the man standing behind Jimmy]'' and Macky to ref. :'''Jimmy''': ''[pause]'' I am sorry, but have you lost your mind? :'''Howard''': Actually, I'm as clear-headed as I've ever been in my life. You didn't even try to hide your tracks. The baggie of drugs at the country club, the clients you sent to discredit me, ''another'' prostitute. :'''Jimmy''': Okay, once again as usual, I— :'''Howard''': Please. I could go on. All roads lead back to you. It's Psych 101. You want to get caught. :'''Jimmy''': So what? Is this like pistols at dawn? :'''Howard''': I'm trying to give you what you want. :'''Jimmy''': What I want? I don't... I think this is what ''you'' want. You wanna beat the shit out of me? Legally? :'''Howard''': I think you can hold up your end. You must've gotten into a few good scrapes in your old neighborhood. :'''Jimmy''': Yeah, right. I could've been a contender. :'''Howard''': Indulge me. Let's see what we see. :'''Jimmy''': ''[pause; smiles]'' Thanks for the laughs. ''[chuckles]'' "Mr. Ward." :''[Jimmy laughs and starts to walk out, but stops. He and Howard are seen suited up with boxing gloves as they begin their fight. They both land a few punches on each other, but Howard eventually knocks Jimmy down]'' :'''Howard''': ''[to Jimmy]'' You've mistaken my kindness for weakness. I like to think that tonight made a difference. I like to think that this ends it. ''[pause; shakes his head]'' Probably not. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jimmy''': I should've left Howard standing there like a yutz. Instead I let him suck me into his game. Why did I do that? :'''Kim''': You had your reasons. :'''Jimmy''': I did? Like what? :'''Kim''': Because... you know. :'''Jimmy''': I know...? :'''Kim''': ''[holds Jimmy's hand]'' You know what's coming next. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lalo has travelled to Germany using an alias, and meets Margarethe, Werner's widow, at a bar]'' :'''Margarethe''': I knew his work was dangerous. I never imagined such a thing, but... I suppose I try not to. :'''Lalo''': That is terrible. What kind of accident was it? :'''Margarethe''': A cave-in. :'''Lalo''': Cave-in? :'''Margarethe''': He was able to save his men. He got them out, but then... the structure collapsed. :'''Lalo''': So your husband was a hero. :'''Margarethe''': ''[smiles]'' He would never accept that. My Werner was too humble. :'''Lalo''': ...And what were they building there? :'''Margarethe''': My husband didn't talk much about his work. It was very secretive. :'''Lalo''': Oh... I'm sure he must have told you something. :'''Margarethe''': The lawyers came to my house. I asked questions, they wouldn't say much. :'''Lalo''': ''[shakes his head]'' Lawyers. :'''Margarethe''': They went through Werner's things. Took anything that they called, uh... Oh, how do you say it? ''[pause]'' Proprietary? I'm sorry, my English is— :'''Lalo''': Oh, it's excellent. :'''Margarethe''': I didn't care about it. All the boxes of folders, his papers. Why do I need all that stuff? :'''Lalo''': And what about your husband's men? I mean, they must have said something to you. :'''Margarethe''': Werner loved ''deine jungs''—his boys—but I never even met them. :'''Lalo''': What do you mean? Not even at the funeral? :'''Margarethe''': You'd think they would want to pay respect to the man who saved their lives. They sent flowers, keepsakes, and so on... but not one of them showed his face. :'''Lalo''': Wow. That is... ''[sighs]'' It's just not right. === ''[[w:Axe and Grind | Axe and Grind]]'' [6.06] === :''[Casper, one of Werner's former workers, spots Lalo approaching his home while chopping wood]'' :'''Lalo''': ''Guten tag!'' :'''Casper''': ''Guten tag.'' ''[in German]'' This is private property. Who are you looking for? Are you lost? :'''Lalo''': ''[in English]'' Yeah, sorry. I don't speak any German! :'''Casper''': ''[in English]'' Are you lost? :'''Lalo''': It's a beautiful place you have here. The air, it's just so... ''fresh!'' :'''Casper''': ...Do I know you? :'''Lalo''': Well, I don't think we've ''officially'' met- :''[Casper grabs his axe and runs inside a nearby wooden shed while Lalo draws his gun. Lalo searches when he's suddenly dropped by a blow from Casper]'' :'''Casper''': Who are you?! '''''Who are you?!''''' :'''Lalo''': ''[strained]'' Ed-Eduardo... Salamanca! I'm not here for you... This is about Fring. Guh- I want to know... I want to know what he's building. :'''Casper''': How did you find me? :'''Lalo''': Ma- Marga... M-Margarethe Z-Ziegler. :'''Casper''': What have you done to her?! :'''Lalo''': Nothing, nothing. You sent her a gi- a gift. ''[pulls out a business card and shows it to Casper]'' :'''Casper''': ''Was ist das?'' :''[Lalo's hidden a razor blade behind the card. He springs up and cuts Casper's face, then grabs his axe and cuts his foot off]'' :'''Lalo''': ''[cheerfully] Carajo!'' I think you broke one of my ribs! ''[tosses Casper his belt]'' Here. Tie that off... before you bleed to death. ''You and I are gonna have a '''talk.''''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jimmy''': Holy shit! The Jackson Mercer Foundation, that's like... the good housekeeping seal of approval. :'''Kim''': Well, it's not a done deal. Some of the foundation board members are flying in next week to meet the lieutenant governor at a luncheon in Santa Fe, so... they are inviting a select group of people with... Cliff called them, "up-and-coming organizations," and uh... Yeah. Cliff thinks I have a good shot. :'''Jimmy''': A good shot? You have more than a shot! They are gonna love you on sight! :'''Kim''': The only thing is the lunch is on D-Day. :'''Jimmy''': So, what? That's—You don't have to be there on the day! Was Eisenhower on Omaha Beach? No. Kim, this is great, right? It's ''huge!'' :'''Kim''': ...It is pretty great! ''[laughs]'' :'''Jimmy''': Kim, this is fantastic! ''[kisses Kim]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jimmy has Francesca call HHM and pose as a relative of a Sandpiper resident to get details about the upcoming mediation]'' :'''Jimmy''': What is the hold up? :'''Francesca''': I just... I don't know if I'm comfortable. Is this even legal? :'''Jimmy''': I'm sorry, which one of us went to law school? Because I can stand here and go through the ins and outs of what's quote-unquote legal with you, but we're on the clock. :'''Francesca''': I just don't— :'''Jimmy''': Francesca, let's get something straight, okay? We can't be holding a graduate seminar in constitutional law every time I give you something to do. :'''Francesca''': But I—I'm not sure if— :'''Jimmy''': You know what I'm paying you? It is above market. To whom much is given, much is expected! ''[takes out cell phone and starts dialing a number]'' :'''Francesca''': We're not gonna make a habit of this? :'''Jimmy''': Of course not! Absolutely not. No, no, no. ''[gives phone to Francesca]'' Put it on speaker and let me... ''[moves closer]'' :'''HHM Employee #1''': Hamlin Hamlin McGill. :'''Francesca''': Hi... there. I'm calling because my—my mother is... is—Well, I guess she's a—a client of yours. She lives in, uh, Sandpiper Assisted Living. :'''HHM Employee #1''': Sandpiper, of course. Let me transfer you. :'''Jimmy''': ''[to Francesca while she's on hold]'' It's just a phone call. :'''HHM Employee #2''': Good afternoon. Do you have a question about the Sandpiper case? :'''Francesca''': ''[waits for Jimmy to nod]'' Yes. My mother's out of the facility in Amarillo. Says she's supposed to call in to some meeting on Thursday? :'''HHM Employee #2''': Yes, you're talking about the mediation? :'''Francesca''': That's it. The thing is, she's lost her dial-in instructions. ''[sighs nervously]'' I'm just looking everywhere and can't find them. :'''HHM Employee #2''': I'd be happy to help you with that. It's very important to us that all the class members are fully looked in. What's your mother's name? :'''Francesca''': ''[Tells name mouthed by Jimmy]'' Uh, Marnie Stuber. ''[watches Jimmy form the letters as she spells aloud]'' That's–that's S-T-U-B-E-R. ''[sighs nervously again when Jimmy forces her to smile]'' Oh, bless your heart. She'll be so relieved! :'''HHM Employee #2''': Okay, it's very simple. The meeting is happening at our offices. So she just has to call the main line—the same number you called just now—press 7, and then enter the passcode. I can give that to you now. Do you have a pen? :'''Francesca''': Uh... ''[Jimmy quickly takes out a pen]'' Y–yeah, I'm ready. :'''HHM Employee #2''': Okay. It's 8-4-2-1-5-9. ''[Jimmy writes the numbers on his hand]'' :'''Francesca''': 8-4-2-1-5-9? :'''HHM Employee #2''': That's right. :'''Francesca''': Okay! Uh, thank you so much. Really appreciate it. :'''HHM Employee #2''': Of course, take care. :'''Jimmy''': ''[hangs up immediately]'' Was that so hard? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jimmy sees the real Rand Casimiro at a liquor store wearing a cast that was not shown in the fake photos he shot earlier. He bolts out of there and gets in his car before being seen by the judge.]'' :'''Jimmy''': FUCK! ''[bangs on steering wheel and chuckles nervously before dialing Kim on his cell phone]'' :''[Cut to Kim driving on the highway to Santa Fe.]'' :'''Kim''': "Ultimately, it's about equal justice, a system that works for everyone. A justice system that works for everyone, and what is more important than that?" ''[hears phone ringing and answers it]'' Hey, Jimmy. :'''Jimmy''': Flag on the play! You're not gonna believe this, but I just ran into Casimiro—the real one. :'''Kim''': Oh, God. :'''Jimmy''': Yeah, and before you ask, he didn't shave his mustache. ''He broke his arm.'' :'''Kim''': Are you serious? :'''Jimmy''': The guy has a giant cast on his left arm! And I checked all the pictures and you can see his arm in every single one of them! No cast, clear as day! :'''Kim''': Shit! SHIT! :'''Jimmy''': I KNOW! I '''KNOW!''' Uh... But, hey. Hey, hey, look at it this way: If I hadn't seen him... I mean, that would've really—that really could've sunk us. Right? So, we're gonna pull the plug and we are going to live to fight another day. :'''Kim''': ...What other day? :'''Jimmy''': Well, we'll figure it out. I promise, okay? So, just go. Just do your thing in Santa Fe, and we'll regroup when you get home tonight. ''[beat; Kim says nothing]'' Kim? Kim, you still there? :'''Kim''': Yes. :'''Jimmy''': Did you hear what I said? :'''Kim''': ''[pause]'' It happens today. :''[Kim quickly turns around and starts driving back to Albuquerque.]'' === ''[[w:Plan and Execution | Plan and Execution]]'' [6.07] === :''[An intern at HHM, Cary, drops soda cans when he sees Howard setting up the conference room for the Sandpiper mediation]'' :'''Cary''': Uh, excuse me, Mr. Hamlin! I-I was told I should restock the fridge before the meeting. :'''Howard''': No worries. Here, let me give you a hand. :'''Cary''': Thank you! :'''Howard''': Uh, you're... Gary? :'''Cary''': Cary! Anderson. :'''Howard''': Mm... of course. Cary. ''[sees Cary stocking the fridge with the dropped cans]'' Cary, what happens when you drop or shake a can of soda? :'''Cary''': ...Right. ''[mimes explosion]'' I'm sorry, I'm, uh... :'''Howard''': Here, let me show you a little trick. ''[picks up and spins a soda can]'' Something about the centrifugal force pulls the bubbles from the inside of the can, stops it from exploding. Don't want our clients to get a surprise now, do we? :'''Cary''': That works? :''[Howard opens the can without incident and takes a sip]'' :'''Cary''': Alright! :'''Howard''': You know who taught me that trick? ''[points at the picture of Chuck in the conference room]'' He used to do it. Had a habit - anytime he opened a can, almost unconsciously. I asked him about it once... just his way of being prepared for anything, accidental or otherwise. :'''Cary''': Um, I'm sorry, I'm... kinda new here. I- I have to ask, who is that? :'''Howard''': Charles McGill. The "M" in HHM. Greatest legal mind I ever knew. :'''Cary''': Wow! I hope someone says that about me someday. :'''Howard''': Well... maybe there are more important things. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Howard, Cliff, and the rest of the parties in the Sandpiper mediation are in the HHM conference room; Rand Casimiro is seated at the head of the table; Jimmy and Kim listen in on the meeting through a disposable cell phone in Saul Goodman's office]'' :'''Rand Casimiro:''' Hello. I know we're all anxious to get things started but you'll have to suffer through my traditional spiel, unfortunately. My name is Rand Casimiro, and I am your mediator for these proceedings. Now, I'm happy to be here. But at the end, hopefully all of you in the room and those listening from various locations ''won't'' be happy with me. And why do I say that? Because the best solutions mean compromise. It's compromise from both sides. That's my goal. But as my wife always says, compromising doesn't mean I'm right and she's wrong. ''[chuckles]'' So, let us move forward— :'''Howard:''' ''Hmph.'' :''[Everyone in the conference room turns to Howard]'' :'''Cliff:''' ...Howard? :'''Howard:''' I-I'm... Wow. ''[pause]'' I'm... I'm sorry. I don't think we can proceed with these negotiations today. :'''Rich:''' Why not? :'''Howard:''' Well, let's just say, circumstances beyond any of our control. :'''Rich:''' Well, I'm going to have to insist that you be more specific. :'''Howard:''' Well, our mediator here keeps using the word "compromise" when ''he'', in fact, is compromised. :'''Casimiro:''' I beg your pardon? :'''Howard:''' I think you heard me. :'''Cliff:''' Howard...? :'''Howard:''' You drive a silver Miata, correct? :'''Casimiro:''' I do. :'''Howard:''' And this morning, around 7 a.m., you walked across Trumbull Park in town? :'''Casimiro:''' No. :'''Howard:''' You didn't stop at the park this morning? :'''Casimiro:''' I didn't. I got to Albuquerque early, not at 7 a.m. And I didn't go to a park. :'''Howard:''' You sure? :'''Cliff:''' Howard, if the judge says he's sure, then I&ndash; :'''Casimiro:''' Of course I'm sure! If it matters, I arrived in town about ten, I stopped at a gas station, I went by a liquor store and bought a gift. I had a lunch salad and a very nice latté from the Flying Star on Menaul. I read ''[[w:Barron's_(newspaper)|Barron's]]''. Then came here. :'''Howard:''' ''Mmmm''. So you weren't in town to visit our mutual acquaintance, James Morgan McGill? Or maybe you know him as "Saul Goodman". :'''Casimiro:''' I don't know anyone by either of those names. :'''Howard:''' Okay. You want to go that way? ''[to his secretary]'' Julie, go to my desk, please. There's an envelope with photos. Bring it to me quickly. :'''Julie:''' Oh. Okay. ''[leaves]'' :'''Cliff:''' Howard, can we have a sidebar&ndash;? :'''Casimiro:''' I'm sorry. These photos &ndash; these are photos of me? :'''Howard:''' They show exactly what I'm describing. :'''Casimiro:''' You were following me? :'''Howard:''' I had a private investigator following Jimmy McGill. You were photographed receiving what I estimate to be a $20,000 payoff this morning in the park. :'''Rich:''' I-I'm sorry. I'm sorry. This is just&ndash; ''[sighs; to Howard]'' You recommended this judge as a mediator and we agreed. And now... ''Jimmy?'' Jimmy McGill &ndash; who originated this suit &ndash; is ''what?'' :'''Howard:''' A-admittedly, it all sounds a bit baroque. But when you see the photos, things will be clearer. :'''Casimiro:''' Well, I'm looking forward to that. :''[long pause; Julie enters the room with the envelope]'' :'''Julie:''' I have the pictures, Mr. Hamlin. :'''Howard:''' Thank you, Julie. ''[opens the envelope]'' And now, take a look. :''[Howard looks at the photos with Cliff, Schweikart, Casimiro, Irene and Julie looking behind him. Instead of an actor dressed as Casimiro as he had seen earlier, the photos show Jimmy sitting at a park bench exchanging a frisbee with the Sound Guy, dressed as a jogger]'' :'''Casimiro:''' ...Is that supposed to be ''me''? :'''Howard:''' I, uh... This is... This is not... Julie, you got the wrong envelope. :'''Julie:''' That was the only one on your desk. :'''Howard:''' Look again! :''[Julie leaves]'' :'''Howard:''' They-they've been switched. Somehow he switched them. :'''Cliff:''' Howard... :'''Howard:''' No. Jimmy &ndash; he snuck in somehow, and these are not the pictures I saw. :''[Howard turns to Erin, who notices that his pupils are now dilated]'' :'''Erin:''' Mr. Hamlin, are you all right? Your eyes... :'''Howard:''' ''[agitated]'' I am fine! This is all something that will be sorted out, I am confident! :''[Cliff rises and guides Howard out of his seat]'' :'''Cliff:''' I think a recess is in order. :'''Howard:''' Nobody move! Evidence has been tampered with! :'''Cliff:''' Now Howard, please! :''[Howard and Cliff leave the conference room. Everyone left behind is stunned silent]'' :'''Irene:''' ...Is this how these usually go? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cliff confronts Howard in his office after the fiasco in the conference room]'' :'''Howard:''' Cliff? Is that you? I'm not crazy, and I'm not on drugs. Please, come in. Now somehow, some way, that son of a bitch gave me something that dilated my pupils. I-I don't know what. But it's wearing off already, look. ''[gestures toward his eyes]'' :'''Cliff:''' You say that Jimmy McGill drugged you? How is that possible? :'''Howard:''' The-the photos. They were wet with... ''something''. :'''Cliff:''' The missing photos. :'''Howard:''' Yeah. My P.I., Genidowski, had to have been in on it. He-he must have shown me one set of photos and then switched them after I left the office. :'''Cliff:''' Howard... :'''Howard:''' Three weeks ago, Julie got a call from our detective agency. They wanted to update their contact info, so of course she changed the number in the system. But it turns out, it wasn't them. That was Jimmy. So when I needed an investigator to follow Jimmy, I called his fake number and his fake man. She just dialed the old number and, of course, got the actual agency. And, no surprise, no one by the name of Genidowski had ever worked there. I hired a con man. I got played. Every step of the way. I know what it sounds like, but you have to believe me. :'''Cliff:''' I... It doesn't matter. Rich went back to the previous offer. I'll give a recommend to the class that we take it. :'''Howard:''' No. No way. We do not let Jimmy win this. :'''Cliff:''' Why would Jimmy even do this? He's a profit participant! This means less money for him! :'''Howard:''' Because he's a child! He wants his money now! He begged me months ago to settle! You know what he does! :'''Cliff:''' Whatever the truth is, we'll never get back to where we were before mediation. We have to settle. :'''Howard:''' I'm lead attorney. And I won't sanction that decision. :'''Cliff:''' Then I'm obligated to go to the partners and explain everything I've seen &ndash; all of it. You think you're gonna be able to convince them it was all Jimmy McGill? :'''Howard:''' ...Okay then. We go to trial. Cliff, this case is incredibly strong. I put this thing in front of a jury, then everything will&ndash; :'''Cliff:''' I'm not thinking about you, Howard. I'm not thinking about Jimmy. I'm thinking about the time, the expense, the uncertainty. I'm thinking about our clients! :''[Howard bows his head in defeat.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lalo records a video message for Eladio while he's hiding in the sewers surveilling Gus' laundromat. The dialogue switches between Spanish and English.]'' :'''Lalo''': Don Eladio. Guess who? It's Lalo, I'm alive! ''[chuckles]'' I'm here in beautiful downtown Albuquerque. ''[pans the camera around his belongings]'' Been here... four nights? Now, you may be asking, "What am I doing down in this shithole?" Well, [[w:Axe and Grind|a little Croatian bird told me a secret]]. Eh, he put up a hell of a fight, but he told me. Look. ''[points the camera at his target, Lavanderia Brilliante]'' See that? Right there... Fring's secret. Now, I've been watching and Fring hides his guards very well, but they're there, dressed like laundry workers. ''[zooms in on one "worker"]'' See? That's one there. They're hiding guns under the uniforms, but I see. I have a pretty good idea of what I'm up against. ''[points the camera back at himself]'' I can tell you what's in there. A big hole where a German engineer, Werner Ziegler, designed the perfect place to hide the... ''[in English]'' "mother of all meth labs." ''[in Spanish]'' Well, that's my story. And Fring? Fring will have his story, a good one, and Bolsa will back him because he's an... ''[in English]'' "earner." ''[in Spanish]'' So tonight, I go in... kill all the guards and show you the proof. And then? You decide... ''Adios.'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jimmy and Kim are watching a movie in Kim's apartment when they hear a knock at the door. It's revealed to be Howard, disheveled and holding a bottle of Macallan scotch whisky.]'' :'''Howard:''' Can I come in? :'''Jimmy:''' Yeah. Come on. :'''Howard:''' Kim. :'''Kim:''' Howard. You doing okay? :'''Howard:''' I'm fine. Sorry to interrupt this, but I brought you a gift. :'''Jimmy:''' A gift? What's the occasion? :'''Howard:''' Your brother and I, we always had a meeting with Mr. Macallan after a big victory. Usually some brilliant summation by Chuck, that goes without saying. So this, this is for you. You earned it. You won. :'''Jimmy:''' Won? Uh, what did I win? :'''Howard:''' ''[pause]'' I get it. Of course you both have to play it this way. You're both so very good at it. :'''Kim:''' It's late, Howard. Do you want to tell us what this is about? :'''Howard:''' I was wondering that too. ''[walks to the kitchen]'' What it's all about. I mean, what do you tell yourselves? What justification makes it okay? "Howard's such an asshole that he deserves it?" ''[offers two glasses to Jimmy and Kim]'' :'''Jimmy:''' We're good. :'''Howard:''' So, what is it? I sided with Chuck too often? ''[points to Kim]'' I took away your office, put you in doc review? All of the above? Howard's daddy helped him get to the top, but you both had to struggle. "Howie has so much and we have so little, let's take him down a peg or two." What allows you to do this to me? Because this isn't just a prank. No. This goes beyond [[w:Namaste (Better Call Saul)|throwing bowling balls on my car]]. This took planning, coordination. I mean, how many weeks? Or-or-or was it months? It couldn't have been easy. So tell me, why? Why go through this elaborate plot just to burn me to the ground? :'''Jimmy:''' "Burn you to the ground?" Howard, come on. Y-you'll be fine. You always land on your feet. :'''Howard:''' Yeah, sure. The Sandpiper settlement—HHM's share will be substantial, absolutely. Even though I humiliated myself. And my clients and peers will whisper that Howard Hamlin's a drug addict. You're right. I've worked my way through worse. Debt. Depression. My marriage falling apart. :''[Jimmy blinks in surprise. He and Kim exchange looks]'' :'''Howard:''' Oh, yeah. Been sleeping in the guest house for the better part of a year. Just one more thing that good ol' Howard has to work through. But yes, I will land on my feet. I will be okay. But you? Far from it. You two... you two are soulless. Jimmy, you can't help yourself. Chuck knew it. You were ''born'' that way. ''[to Kim]'' But you—one of the smartest and most promising human beings I've ever known, and ''this'' is the life you choose. :'''Jimmy:''' Alright, you're too tight to drive, I'm calling a cab— :'''Howard:''' Oh good, phony compassion. And you know what? Very, very believable. But I'm far from done. :'''Kim:''' Oh no no no. You are done, Howard. Sorry, but you need to stop this now and you need to go home. :'''Howard:''' You're perfect for each other. You have a piece missing. I-I-I thought you did it for the money, but it-it—Now it's so clear. Screw the money, you did it for fun! You get off on it! You're like [[w:Leopold and Loeb|Leopold and Loeb]], two sociopaths— :'''Jimmy:''' Alright, that's enough. :'''Howard:''' Oh, you know it's true, you just don't have the guts to admit it. :'''Kim:''' Great. Now you need to go. :'''Howard:''' I'm gonna make it clear to everyone, because I'm going to dedicate my life to making sure that everybody knows the truth. Believe it. You can't hide who you really are forever. :''[Jimmy reflexively shields Kim as Lalo Salamanca enters the room; Jimmy is stunned]'' :'''Jimmy:''' How... :''[Howard turns around and see Lalo, who non-chalantly stands next to him]'' :'''Kim:''' H-Howard... Howard. Howard, you need to leave. :'''Howard:''' ''[to Lalo]'' Who are you? :'''Lalo:''' Me? Nobody. I just need to talk to my lawyers. :'''Howard:''' ''[scoffs]'' Oh, is that right? You want some advice? Find better lawyers. :'''Kim:''' Howard, please j-just... just... just turn around— :'''Lalo:''' No, no, no, no, no. Take your time. :'''Howard:''' ''[to Kim]'' What's this about? :''[Lalo calmly takes a pistol out of his pocket and screws a silencer onto the muzzle]'' :'''Kim:''' ''[to Lalo]'' Please... please, just tell us what you want. :'''Lalo:''' ''[shrugs]'' Like I said. To talk. :'''Howard:''' I, uh... I think I'm in the middle of something, uh... There's really no need to— :''[Lalo puts the gun to Howard's head and pulls the trigger; Howard falls onto the floor, killed instantly. Jimmy and Kim scream.]'' :'''Kim:''' ''Oh my God!'' :'''Jimmy:''' ''Please, no!'' :'''Kim:''' ''Oh my God!'' :'''Jimmy:''' ''No! No!'' :'''Lalo:''' ''[holds out his hand to quiet them down]'' ''Shhhh, shhhh, shhhh, shhhh, shhhh.'' Okay. Let's talk. === ''[[w:Point and Shoot (Better Call Saul) | Point and Shoot]]'' [6.08] === :''[Jimmy and Kim are cowering in terror when Lalo forces them to sit on their couch]'' :'''Jimmy''': I never turned on you. I didn't. I only worked for you in the desert. I was on your side the whole time. :'''Lalo''': Shhh. ''[motions for Jimmy to sit down with his gun]'' I don't care. You two... ''[chuckles; shakes his head]'' God, you two and your mouths! ''Dios mío!'' Now, ''you listen.'' ''[tosses car keys to Jimmy]'' My car's downstairs. Press the clicker, and you'll find it. This... ''[holds up small piece of paper]'' is where you are going. Don't speed, don't weave, don't cut anyone off. Just, you know, drive nice. From here, ''[checks watch]'' at this hour... I'd take 40 east, get off at Carlisle, take the third left. The rest I drew a little map for you on the back. It's not hard. So... big white brick house with a solid black door. You can't miss it. It's right at the end of the T. Park a little down the street and not up front. It's a quiet neighborhood, so you'll have plenty of options. Stating the obvious here maybe, but... turn the car off, right? So, in the glove compartment, I left you a present. There's a camera and there's a gun. And you're gonna need both. :'''Jimmy''': A gun? :'''Lalo''': Yeah, yeah, yeah. But don't worry. I mean, it's–it's easy. It's a revolver. It's already loaded, no safety—it's idiot proof. So, you go up to that house, you walk right up to that black door. Don't run. Just be casual like a stroll, you know? Keep the gun somewhere behind you where they can't see it. You ring the bell, you count to three, you step back. They look through the peephole, you're as innocent as can be. Door opens, you point... and you shoot. And you keep on pulling that trigger until it's empty. ''[pause]'' Simple. :'''Jimmy''': You–you want me to—?! :'''Lalo''': I know, I know. ''[casually nudges Howard's dead body with his foot]'' You're a lawyer, and you're not a killer. But look, you can do this, okay? This guy, he's a housecat! Black, medium height, short hair, glasses! He kinda looks like a librarian... but don't be fooled. Even a housecat can scratch. So, that's it. Hard part's over. Now, you pull out the camera. Same principle as the gun: Point and shoot. Take a picture. One where I can see the face ''clearly''... and then you bring it back here where, me and Mrs. Goodman will be waiting for you. And then you're done! I'd say it's about a twenty minute drive over there... ''[Jimmy looks nervously at Kim]'' twenty minutes back. Maybe ten minutes to do the job. Let's go with an hour altogether. So, you're back here in an hour, or— :''[Jimmy forcibly turns on the Saul Goodman charm]'' :'''Jimmy''': Send her. :'''Kim''': ...What?! :'''Jimmy''': She should do it. :'''Kim''': Jimmy... :'''Lalo''': ''[pause]'' Why her? :'''Kim''': ''[whispers to Jimmy]'' Don't do this. :'''Jimmy''': This guy, the–the housecat. :'''Kim''': Jimmy, please. :'''Jimmy''': He looks through his peephole... :'''Kim''': ''Please.'' :'''Jimmy''': ...in the middle of the night, and he sees me? "Who's this asshole? What's he doing?" Maybe–maybe he gets ''his'' gun, maybe he calls the cops. Either way, that door stays shut. But he sees a woman... :'''Kim''': No. :'''Jimmy''': ...she looks like she's in distress. Maybe her car broke down. ''[chuckles]'' I mean, you'd open the door for her, wouldn't you? :'''Kim''': Stop! Stop! :'''Lalo''': Yeah, but... she's really clever. I don't know if she's gonna stick to the plan. :'''Jimmy''': She will. :'''Kim''': No, no, no. :'''Jimmy''': No cops. You know she will. :'''Kim''': No. No, this... This doesn't even make any sense! I–I–I've never shot a gun before! I've never even held one! :'''Jimmy''': Like I have. :'''Kim''': Jimmy, what are you doing?! :'''Jimmy''': ''[to Lalo while pointing at Kim]'' You know she's the best choice. :'''Kim''': No, I'm not! I don't—I can't! I can't do it! :'''Jimmy''': ''[to Lalo]'' She can do it. You know she can do it! :'''Kim''': No! Jimmy, I'll stay! Stop! Just stop! :'''Jimmy''': You know I'm right! Listen! :'''Kim''': Stop it! Shut up! :'''Jimmy''': Listen! :'''Kim''': SHUT UP! :'''Lalo''': ''[rolls his eyes]'' Oh, my God! Okay, fine! Yeah, heard! Whatever. Give her the keys, give her the address, let's go. ''[walks toward the front door]'' :'''Kim''': ''[to Jimmy]'' No. Don't... Don't. :'''Jimmy''': You... you gotta go. :'''Kim''': ''[softly]'' Don't do this. :'''Jimmy''': Come on. Hey... ''[whispering]'' Let's go. :''[Kim reluctantly gets up and is about to leave the apartment when Lalo stops her]'' :'''Lalo''': Hold on. ''[pause; Kim looks at him]'' You're gonna need your shoes, right? :''[Kim stares at Jimmy while she puts her shoes on]'' :'''Lalo''': There you go! Okay, ''[looks at watch]'' so one hour starting... now. Clock's ticking, Mrs. Goodman. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lalo ties Jimmy to a chair while interrogating him about the assassination attempt at his hacienda]'' :'''Lalo''': You know, after I saw you last, I went home. My home. ''Mi cielito lindo''... And you know what happened? Men came. Armed men, in the middle of the night. To my home. Trying to get to me. And you know what they did? They killed people I care about. They killed my cook. My gardener. A seventeen-year-old kid I knew since he was knee-high, never hurt a fly. Butchered my housekeeper, Yolanda. ''Una viejita, cabrón.'' They shot her in the back. :'''Jimmy''': ...I'm sorry. :'''Lalo''': Now, how did these men... get into my home? Do you know? :'''Jimmy''': I... I have–I have no idea. :'''Lalo''': Ignacio Varga. ''He'' let them in. And who did Ignacio introduce me to? ''[taps Jimmy's head]'' You. :'''Jimmy''': Ignacio... Nacho? ''[brief pause]'' Whoa, whoa, whoa! I–I barely know Ignacio! Whatever he did, he did alone! Not with me! Listen, you gotta believe me! Hand to God, I had no part in this—it wasn't me! ''It was '''Igna—''''' :''[Lalo sneaks up from behind and gags Jimmy with a rolled-up shirt]'' :'''Jimmy''': ''[through the gag]'' Ignacio! It's not me! Listen, listen! I–I don't know about... :'''Lalo''': Save it. ''[looks Jimmy in the eyes]'' I'm gonna come back. And then you... are gonna tell me ''the whole story.'' :''[Lalo presses play on the movie Jimmy and Kim were watching earlier and turns up the volume. He picks up Jimmy's car keys by the front door.]'' :'''Lalo''': Ford Taurus... taupe? ''[rolls eyes and shakes his head before leaving the apartment]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mike disarms Kim and forces her inside Gus' house before she can shoot. Gus watches Mike question her through surveillance monitors at his neighbors' residence.]'' :'''Kim''': What are you doing?! I–I have to go! I have to—No, wait! :'''Mike''': Ms. Wexler, I'd like you to sit down. :'''Kim''': He'll–He'll kill him! You have to... You— :'''Mike''': Now, sit there and be calm! :'''Kim''': No, I have to get back! ''I have to get back!'' :'''Mike''': ''[restrains Kim and forces her back down]'' Sit ''still''... and stay calm. Now, if you take a deep breath—a ''deep'' breath—nothing's gonna happen here until you calm yourself. Alright? Now, who is killing who? :'''Kim''': Lalo Salamanca! Lalo is going to kill Jimmy! ''[Mike looks shocked]'' He's there! He–he is there with Jimmy now! :'''Mike''': Salamanca is at your apartment?! :'''Kim''': Yes! He sent ''me!'' He–he wanted to send Jimmy, but then he sent me. :'''Mike''': To do what exactly?! ''[pause; Kim hyperventilates]'' Ms. Wexler, you stay with me! What were you supposed to do here? :'''Kim''': ''[beat; points at a man who looks identical to Gus]'' Shoot him. I'm–I'm supposed to shoot him, and then take a photo, and then get back. That's it. I only have twenty minutes left! Please! ''[Mike quickly looks and nods at one of his guys]'' He is ''alone'' with him! :'''Mike''': Alright, stay put. We'll handle this. We ''will'' handle this. ''[to Victor]'' You call Tyrus. Get him to the condo ''now.'' :'''Kim''': You said you were watching us! WHERE WERE YOU?! HUH?! ''[Mike leaves]'' '''WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?!''' :''[Kim tries to get up, but Victor stands in her way and forces her to sit down again]'' :'''Victor''': You heard what the man said. :''[Mike walks through the corridor connecting the two homes and reports to Gus.]'' :'''Mike''': You heard all that? ''[Gus nods]'' Alright. You hunker down here. ''[to two bodyguards]'' You two, you stay with him. A dog barks too loud, you are on the phone with me. ''[to Arthur and Tyrus]'' You two, come with me. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After growing restless over Lalo's whereabouts, Gus calls Victor and asks him to speak to Kim about Lalo]'' :'''Gus''': Why did Lalo send you? :'''Kim''': Who is this? :'''Victor''': Answer him. ''[points behind him]'' :'''Kim''': ''[pause]'' He didn't want to send me. Not at first. He wanted to send my husband... but my husband talked him out of it because he wanted to get me out of there. :'''Gus''': He... talked Lalo out of it? :'''Kim''': That's right. ''[pause]'' Now that I've told you everything I know, please tell me. Tell me who— :''[Gus hangs up the phone and looks at his bodyguards]'' :'''Gus''': Come with me. Both of you. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lalo records another video message for Don Eladio while holding Gus at gunpoint at the laundromat. The dialogue is in Spanish.]'' :'''Lalo:''' Don Eladio, look who we have here. The one and only Gustavo Fring. ''[chuckles]'' And wearing body armor! Too bad they don't make armor for your head, eh? Now we're gonna take a little walk and show you around. ''Vamanos''. ''[clicks tongue]'' Don, I would've liked it if we didn't have to rush this so much. We could sit by your pool... strip this snake's skin off, inch by inch. Take our time, have some fun. But he shows up now... who am I to look a gift horse in the mouth? :''[Gus stops in front of a large washing machine.]'' :'''Lalo:''' A big machine hides a big secret. We have about... thirteen minutes until his bald ''gringo'' gets here with the cavalry, so Gustavo is going to have to give us the nickel tour. ''[beat; shoots Gus in the chest]'' Like I was saying, Gustavo is going to show us around. :''[Gus walks around and pushes a button, which opens the secret passage to the underground meth lab]'' :'''Lalo:''' ''Ha!'' Magnificent! I had a bathtub that did this, but... credit where credit is due, this is better. ''[laughs]'' ''Hijo de puta''. :''[Gus leads Lalo down a ladder and turns on the lights]'' :'''Lalo:''' ''[chuckles; in English]'' Okay. Drumroll, please. ''D-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r''... Ta-da! ''[laughs]'' ''Cadenza de wow'', no? ''[in Spanish]'' Don Eladio, I've heard some stories about this place. It took a bunch of German engineers ten months to build all of this. They used two hundred pounds of high explosive. Dug out 120,000 cubic meters of dirt and rock. And all... without disturbing the laundry up there. In the middle of a city with a million people! That's pretty badass, right? :''[Gus trips and falls to the ground when Lalo pushes his pistol against his back]'' :'''Lalo''': One moment, Don. ''[puts the camcorder between his teeth as he switches the magazines of his pistol]'' Think of the laboratory you could put here, Don Eladio. ''Eh?'' How much meth you could make... that was his plan. Cut you out to become boss. And now here we are, in this big hole! ''[cackles]'' Gustavo thought he was building an empire, but all he built himself was a tomb. :'''Gus:''' You can't kill me. :'''Lalo:''' Why not? :'''Gus:''' I haven't told that fat pig Eladio what I think of him yet. :'''Lalo:''' ''Hoo-hoo!'' Perfect! You've got one minute. :'''Gus:''' Eladio... you greasy, bloated pimp. You talk of honor. But you have none. A pack of stray dogs fighting for scraps has more honor. Jackals. That's all you are! No vision. No patience. No thought. Stupid and impulsive! That is how I did all this. You couldn't see it, couldn't even conceive of it. And you Salamancas... you're the worst vermin of all. You say you believe in "blood for blood" but you only understand blood for money! You're whores! ''[in English]'' I understand blood for blood. Hector? Yeah, I kept him alive. Kept him broken. I will save him to the last. Before he dies, he will know... '''''I''' buried every one of you.'' :'''Lalo:''' ''[sniggers]'' Big talk. You done? :'''Gus:''' No. Not yet. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jimmy:''' Lalo said he was coming back. :'''Mike:''' He's not coming. :'''Jimmy:''' No, he said he was, he told me— :'''Mike:''' You understand me? He is ''not coming back.'' Let's sit. ''[pause; Jimmy and Kim remain standing]'' '''''SIT.''''' :''[Jimmy and Kim sit at the foot of their bed; Mike stands in front of them.]'' :'''Mike:''' Alright. Here's what's gonna happen: In a few days, Howard Hamlin's car will be found several states away by the water. The odometer will have rolled to the exact number of miles it took to get there. There will be cocaine in the upholstery. That was the story you were setting up for this guy, yeah? They'll call it a suicide, hoping the body will come washing up. It never will. At some point, you're gonna hear about it. Someone calls you, someone at the courthouse mentions it—the moment that happens—you call the cops. His car was here for hours last night. Good chance somebody noticed it. That means you are the last people to see him alive. Cops are gonna want to hear from you. You tell the cops you saw him—he came here, seemed like maybe he was chemically altered, didn't make a lick of sense. Then he left, that's all you know. You keep telling the lie you've been telling. Now, Ms. Wexler tells me she has court at ten. What's on your docket? ''[Jimmy doesn't answer]'' Hey. ''Listen.'' Where do you need to be? :'''Jimmy:''' Uh, office. At my office. Clients start showing up around 9:30. ''Oh'', my car is gone. :'''Mike:''' No. It's on the way home, you'll have it when you need it. So you two are going to go about your day—normal, same as ever. Today, you're Meryl Streep and Laurence Olivier. No staring into space, nothing out of the ordinary, you ''cover.'' Anybody talks to you, it's just another day that ends in Y, that's all. When you get home, we'll be gone and everything will be back the way it was. Now, I need to impress upon you: none of this ever happened. None of it. Understand? Say it out loud, I need to hear it. :'''Jimmy:''' ...I understand. :'''Kim:''' ...It never happened. === ''[[w:Fun and Games (Better Call Saul) | Fun and Games]]'' [6.09] === :'''Jimmy''': One day, we'll... We'll wake up, and brush our teeth, and we'll go to work. And at some point, we'll suddenly realize... [[w:Bad Choice Road | that we hadn't thought about it at all. None of it]]. ''[pause]'' And that's when we'll know. We'll know we can forget. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Gus meets with Don Eladio, Juan Bolsa, and the Salamancas late at night. The dialogue is in Spanish.]'' :'''Eladio''': Don Hector has made a very serious accusation. :''[One of the Cousins hands a letter to Don Juan]'' :'''Bolsa''': These are Don Hector's words. Dictated to Leonel and Marco, letter by letter. "The assault on my nephew's hacienda failed. Lalo fought the assassins and won. The day after the attack, Lalo called me. I heard the truth from his own lips. It was Fring who sent the mercenaries, not the Peruvians. We kept Lalo's survival a secret. My nephew was about to take his revenge on the traitor, face-to-face. Instead, he disappeared. It is the Chicken Man's doing. Don Eladio, look into Fring's eyes. There you will see the truth. The Chicken Man hates you. He is our enemy. He plots against us. I demand blood for blood." :''[Bolsa folds the letter and sits back down]'' :'''Eladio''': Well, Gustavo? :'''Gus''': ''[pause]'' I have no response. :'''Bolsa''': Gustavo, you must speak. Have you no defense? :'''Gus''': With all due respect, I don't believe this merits a response. :'''Eladio''': Did you witness these phone calls from Lalo? ''[Leonel and Marco shake their heads]'' I was told you saw Lalo's body. :'''Leonel''': Yes. :'''Marco''': It was burned. :'''Eladio''': Didn't the ''federales'' check the teeth? :'''Bolsa''': Yes, Don Eladio. My brother tells me the dental records matched. :'''Eladio''': And that rat, Varga... What did he say before he died? :'''Bolsa''': He said he was in the pay of the Peruvians, Los Odios. We know he took their money, we found bank statements. :'''Eladio''': ''[beat; looks at his watch]'' Well... It's late. Don Hector... Since you've come a long way, tonight you sleep in my bed. ''[Hector angrily rings his bell repeatedly in protest]'' No, I insist. No arguing. I'm giving you my room. Very comfortable. And who knows? Maybe a couple of the girls will come to visit! ''[pause; Hector continues ringing his bell]'' Please. ''[Leonel and Marco carry Hector by his wheelchair and leave]'' Good night, Hector. Sleep well. ''[to Gus]'' I'd invite you to stay as well, Gustavo, but... I don't want my breakfast ruined by all the... ''[mocks Hector ringing his bell and laughs]'' Ay-yay-yay. ''[beat]'' The peace must be kept. What do you suggest? :'''Gus''': I wouldn't presume. :'''Eladio''': The South Valley will stay Salamanca territory. And the rest of the North, that'll be for you to manage. Working under Bolsa. :'''Bolsa''': Thank you, Don Eladio. :'''Gus''': ''[rises with Eladio out of his chair]'' Thank you. Your trust means everything, Don Eladio. :'''Eladio''': ''Bueno.'' Gustavo... ''[long pause]'' When I looked into your eyes... Hate. A little bit's okay. As long as you never forget who's boss. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mike meets with Nacho's father outside his shop to let him know about Nacho's fate]'' :'''Manuel''': Who are you? :'''Mike''': It's not important. :'''Manuel''': I saw you here before. [[w:Cobbler (Better Call Saul)|Chrysler Fifth Avenue]]. What about my son? :'''Mike''': I'm sorry, he won't be found. ''[pause]'' It was over fast. No pain. :'''Manuel''': You were there? :'''Mike''': I was there. Your son made some mistakes, he fell in with bad people... but he was never like them. Not really. He had a good heart. One more thing: you won't have to worry about the Salamancas. Their day is coming. There'll be justice. :'''Manuel''': Justice? :'''Mike''': I'm sorry, my Spanish - j-''justicia.'' Justice. :'''Manuel''': ''[sighs]'' What you talk about... is not justice. What you talk of is... ''revenge.'' It never ends... my boy is gone. ''[scoffs, speaks in Spanish]'' You gangsters and your "justice." You're all the same. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jimmy and Kim approach Cliff and Howard's widow, Cheryl, at a memorial reception in the offices of HHM.]'' :'''Kim:''' Cliff. :'''Cliff:''' Kim, Jimmy. :'''Cheryl:''' Kim, hi. :''[Jimmy extends his hand to Cheryl; she doesn't take it]'' :'''Jimmy:''' Hi, Cheryl. I'm Jimmy McGill. You may not remember me. I'm Chuck McGill's brother. :'''Cheryl:''' Of course. :'''Jimmy:''' Very sorry for your loss. ''[sighs]'' :'''Kim:''' Cheryl, I'm so sorry. I can't even imagine what you must be going through. If Jimmy and I can do anything for you or your family, please just say the word. :''[Jimmy and Kim are about to walk away]'' :'''Cheryl:''' There is something, actually. You two were the last ones to see him, weren't you? :'''Kim:''' Um... :'''Jimmy:''' I guess so. Uh, that's what the police said. :'''Cheryl:''' Howard told me that you were harassing him, playing elaborate pranks of some sort. That you wouldn't leave him alone. :'''Jimmy:''' I know he thought that. He—he—he told me as well. Um, I think he honestly believed it. :'''Cheryl:''' But you're denying it. :'''Jimmy:''' ''[pauses]'' You know what, I didn't leave here under the best terms. The past few years, I could have been more considerate to Howard instead of yitzing him every chance I got. I guess, uh, there was a certain amount of jealousy on my part because Howard had the, uh, respect of my brother. Which I never did. ''[Jimmy steps away]'' :'''Cheryl:''' Tell me what you told the police. :'''Jimmy:''' ''[pauses]'' Okay, um... Well, I mean, it was 11pm. Howard started pounding on our door. He was very upset, going on about something, um, he thought was my fault, uh... Guess it had to do with the Sandpiper case. But I—I couldn't make head or tail out of it. We tried to calm him down. But... he just—he just wouldn't, um... Finally, he left. That's—that's it. :'''Cheryl:''' I'm not oblivious. I know people are saying he was on drugs. Is that what you're trying to tell me? :'''Jimmy:''' I just... He just didn't seem like himself. :'''Cheryl:''' ''[to Cliff]'' Are you hearing all of this? Because none of it makes sense to me. :'''Cliff:''' Cheryl, maybe we should just— :'''Cheryl:''' I don't care what people are saying. I don't care what the police think. Howard was not on drugs. That simply is not true. There's something more to this. :'''Kim:''' I don't know if it's my place, but... I—I... :'''Cheryl:''' Please. Just spit it out. ''[sharply inhales]'' :'''Kim:''' ''[sighs]'' It was about a year-and-a-half ago. I was still an associate here, working late on a brief. And I saw a light on in Howard's office. I assumed the cleaning crew left it on by mistake. And I was sure that office was empty, so I didn't knock. :'''Cheryl:''' ...And? :'''Kim:''' And Howard was there at his desk, head down. And he was snorting something. :'''Cheryl:''' ''[scoffs]'' :'''Kim:''' I looked at him. He looked at me. I didn't know what to do, so I just walked out. And the next morning, when we saw each other, neither of us ever said anything about it. I never told anyone. But now I wish I had. :''[Long pause]'' :'''Cheryl:''' ''[to Cliff]'' In all the years that you worked with him, have you witnessed anything like this? Even a hint? Cliff... :'''Cliff:''' I... Cheryl, this really isn't the time or the place. :''[Cheryl begins to cry]'' :'''Kim:''' Cheryl. You were his wife. You saw him every day. You knew him better than anyone. Maybe I misunderstood what I saw. You would have known. :'''Cheryl:''' ''[voice breaking]'' Please excuse me. :''[Cheryl retreats into a women's restroom]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kim and her client are sitting in a courtroom as the presiding judge, Gabriel Dearden, takes the bench]'' :'''Bailiff:''' All rise. Court is now in session, the Honorable Judge Dearden presiding. :'''Judge Dearden:''' Good afternoon. We are here to discuss a motion to exclude evidence in ''State of New Mexico vs. Yarborough''. :'''Kim:''' ''[rises]'' Your honor, if I may. I submitted an additional motion. I'm assuming you have not seen it yet. :'''Judge Dearden:''' Did we get that? :'''Secretary:''' It just came in, judge. :''[The secretary approaches the bench and hands the motion to Judge Dearden]'' :'''Kim:''' I apologize, it was a last-minute addition. :'''Judge Dearden:''' "Last minute" is right. ''[looking through the motion]'' :''[Pause]'' :'''Judge Dearden:''' ...Do I understand this correctly? You're requesting to withdraw from this case? :'''Kim:''' Yes, your honor. My client is fully informed. And I've already been in touch with another attorney, Paige Novick. She's highly qualified and familiar with the case. She's prepared to step if you'll allow it. :'''Judge Dearden:''' Ms. Wexler, Mr. Orenstein, approach the bench. :''[Kim and the prosecutor do so]'' :'''Judge Dearden:''' ''[to Kim]'' Ms. Wexler, we are here today at your insistence to consider your motion to exclude evidence. And this is the moment you choose to withdraw? :'''Kim:''' It was unavoidable. :'''Judge Dearden:''' May I ask why? :'''Kim:''' Personal reasons, your honor. :'''Judge Dearden:''' "Personal reasons." Are we talking about a health issue, something to do with a loved one? :'''Kim:''' No. :'''Judge Dearden:''' Would you rather discuss privately in chambers? :'''Kim:''' Thank you for the consideration, but no. :'''Judge Dearden:''' Would you care to supply any detail at all? :'''Kim:''' Your honor, I prefer not to. :'''Judge Dearden:''' ''[pause; to Orenstein]'' ...Mr. Orenstein, is the state prepared to discuss Ms. Wexler's motion? :'''Orenstein:''' We are, your honor. Absolutely. :'''Judge Dearden:''' You know what, Ms. Wexler? Mr. Orenstein's here. I'm here. We all showed up for your party, and now you're taking away the punch bowl. I'm inclined to have you argue your motion, then I'll consider later writing petitions. :'''Kim:''' I'm sorry for wasting the court's time, your honor, but it's impossible for me to continue with this hearing. :'''Judge Dearden:''' And why is that, Ms. Wexler? :'''Kim:''' Because I'm no longer an attorney. :'''Judge Dearden:''' ''[brief pause]'' ...I'm sorry, what? :'''Kim:''' I gave notice to the bar two hours ago. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jimmy arrives home after hearing the news that Kim has quit her legal career]'' :'''Jimmy:''' ''You did what?!'' Why?! ''WHY?!'' Alright, alright, I know why. But Kim, you can't just— :'''Kim:''' Jimmy, I— :'''Jimmy:''' ''Shhh!'' Just let me say my piece, okay? Just—Let's take a breath here! Kim, after everything that happened... I mean, Jesus! I get it! You want to climb out of your own skin! That's natural! But Kim, you don't just throw everything away! Th-th-this is your life! You're a lawyer! What about your clients, huh? What about, uh... that poor guy, Mr. Yarborough? What about the kid in foster care? Huh?! You give them everything you got! Who are they going to find who is half as good as you?! No one! They need you! :'''Kim:''' It's already done. :'''Jimmy:''' ''Ugh!'' ''[pause]'' Okay, what's done can be undone. All I'm saying is just—just let's take a week or two to think it over. For now, we're gonna take some time off. God knows we need it. We're gonna to find a new place, we're—we're gonna leave here. We're never, ever gonna come back here again. Okay? We're gonna—we're gonna put it behind us! Things will look brighter! I guarantee it! But first we have to fix this. So we're gonna go back to the hotel room, and you're gonna write letters. You're gonna write a letter to the bar, you're gonna write letters to your clients. You—you—you dictate, I will type. We're gonna roll this thing back. I'll order a pizza, we'll pull an all-nighter. Because we're in this together. Okay? So I'm gonna go get your—your printer, and then we're gonna get the hell out of here. :''[Jimmy turns to head into the bedroom]'' :'''Kim:''' Wait— Jimmy. Jimmy! :''[Jimmy enters the bedroom to discover half-full boxes and luggage everywhere]'' :'''Kim:''' You asked if you were bad for me. That's not it. We are bad for each other. :'''Jimmy:''' Kim. Don't do this. Kim, please. :'''Kim:''' Jimmy... ''[holding back tears]'' ...I have had the time of my life with you. But we are bad for everyone around us. Other people suffer because of us. Apart we're okay, but together we're poison. :'''Jimmy:''' ''[shakes his head]'' No, no. Just tell me what I need to do to change, okay? Just tell me what it is, and I'll do it. :'''Kim:''' Jimmy... :'''Jimmy:''' No, Kim. You make me happy. We make each other happy. How can that be bad? Hey... I love you. :'''Kim:''' I love you, too. ''[voice breaking]'' But so what? :'''Jimmy:''' No. No. No, Kim, you're wrong! ''This is about '''Howard!''''' Okay?! What happened to him wasn't on us! It wasn't your fault! It wasn't ''my'' fault! It was that ''fucking Lalo Salamanca!'' That psychopath came back from the dead and he walked through that door! He did this! Not us, ''him!'' :'''Kim:''' I knew. :'''Jimmy:''' You knew wh-what? :'''Kim:''' I knew he was alive. :'''Jimmy:''' No, you didn't. :'''Kim:''' It was about a month ago. I saw that car following me again. And it turned out that Mike Ehrmantraut had guys watching both of us, watching for Lalo. :'''Jimmy:''' Mike... Mike told you that Lalo was alive? ''[Kim nods]'' And you didn't tell me? :'''Kim:''' ''[pause]'' Jimmy... I thought... I thought it was a one-in-a-million chance that he'd come for us. I thought he would be caught if he did. And I told myself I was protecting you. But that's not the truth. The reason I didn't tell you was because I knew what you'd do. :'''Jimmy:''' Wh-what would I do? :'''Kim:''' You'd—you'd blame yourself. You'd fear for me. You'd want us to run and hide until you were sure I was safe. You would pull the plug on the scam, and then... ''[pause]'' ...and then, we'd break up. And I didn't want that. Because I was having too much ''fun''. :''[Kim breaks down crying and returns to the bedroom to pack; Jimmy stands in the living room in silence]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Saul Goodman:''' Alright. [[w:Chicanery (Better Call Saul) | Let justice be done, though the heavens fall]]. === ''[[w:Nippy (Better Call Saul) | Nippy]]'' [6.10] === :''[Saul, now going by Gene Takavic, is confronted by Jeff after he unexpectedly shows up at his home]'' :'''Jeff''': Dude, what the fuck?! :'''Saul''': I know, it's awkward, right? But you don't have to call me Dad. Yet. :'''Jeff''': I don't know what this is about, but all I have to do is pick up the phone and it's "Bye-bye, Saul Goodman." :'''Saul''': Yeah, but you haven't picked up the phone yet, have ya? Or tried to strong-arm me for cash. And guess what? I know why. Because reward money—blackmail—that's not gonna tickle your pickle. I know what you really want. :'''Jeff''': Oh, yeah? What's that? :'''Saul''': You want in the game. :'''Jeff''': The game? What—what game? :'''Saul''': The ''game.'' The one you've been watching your entire life. You got your nose pressed up against the glass, peering in while the big boys play. :'''Jeff''': Speak English, man. What the hell are you talking about? :'''Saul''': ''The game.'' It's right there. You can see it, but you can't touch it yet. ''[pause]'' Cars, clothes. The cash, the ladies. It's about knowing all the angles, you know? Putting it all on the line and winning ''big.'' But here you are, Jeffy. Standing outside with the suckers, trying to pay off that cab, sweating the bills. You're getting older. It's—it's so close, but dammit you just can't get in! Until now. I can make it happen. :'''Jeff''': ''[beat]'' You? :'''Saul''': Saul Goodman. ''[pause]'' So, here's the deal. I will show you the game, and then we're done. :''[Jeff stares at Saul for another moment before smiling]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jeff runs around a maze in the outline of a mall. Saul, on a loudspeaker, shouts directions to him.]'' :'''Saul''': Go, go, go, go, go, go, go! One, Armani suits and run! Two, Air Jordan shoes for you! Three, linen shirts for free! Four, cashmere sweaters out the door! Five, Patagonias to survive! Six, swanky sweatsuits in the mix! HALT! :''[Jeff stops, breathing heavily.]'' :'''Jeff''': What?! :'''Saul''': That's too many, you gotta be precise! Just three of each. :'''Jeff''': Why? And why do I gotta run around like an asshole? :'''Saul''': I already told you! Three minutes, got it? That's our window! :'''Jeff''': Yeah, but why three minutes? :'''Saul''': Because at three minutes, that's when security sees you on the cameras and the cops haul your ass to jail, alright? So let's go. :':'''Jeff''': Wait, there's cameras? :'''Saul''': Sure there's cameras! They erase the tapes every seventy-two hours, so that's why you only take three of each, and only the pricey stuff. When the store opens the next morning, they won't even know they were robbed. By the time they do inventory, abra cadabra, no more Jeffy on the tape! Right, so, three items, three minutes... It's easy. Let's go. :''[Jeff walks back to the start of the maze.]'' :'''Saul''': How many of each? :'''Jeff''': Three... :'''Saul''': Pigs get fat, hogs get slaughtered! :'''Jeff''': I don't know... :'''Saul''': What don't you know? :'''Jeff''': Just, this whole thing, it seems crazy! :'''Saul''': Is this too hot for you?! Ju— You know what, just say so! You know what? Screw it. "Crazy?" I'll tell you what's crazy! [[w:Walter White (Breaking Bad) | Fifty-year-old high school chemistry teacher]] [[w:Breaking Bad | comes into my office. The guy is so broke, he can't pay his own mortgage. One year later, he's got a pile of cash as big as a Volkswagen.]] ''That's'' crazy. :'''Buddy''': I'll do it. :'''Jeff''': This sounds good to you? :'''Buddy''': I think it'll work. :'''Saul''': Well, look at you! Hey, you're young. You're probably, uh... Fast in the feet, huh? :'''Jeff''': Okay, I- I didn't say I wouldn't do it! I just... Had some questions about, like... Logistics. :'''Saul''': Are you in or out? :'''Jeff''': In. :'''Saul''': ''[sighs]'' Okay, back to one. ''[He speaks into the loudspeaker as Jeff sets himself up.]'' Check, test, one-two, one-two. Okay! And ready, set, action! :''[Jeff begins running.]'' :'''Saul''': Move, move, move! Pick up the pace! Go, go, go! One, Armani suits and run! Two, Air Jordan shoes for you! Three, linen shirts for free! Four, cashmere sweaters out the door! Five, Patagonias to survive! Six, swanky sweatsuits in the mix! Let's go, let's go, let's go! <hr width="50%"/> :''[On the night of the robbery, Saul watches Jeff through the mall cameras while one of the security guards, Frank, is eating a Cinnabon roll with his back facing the cameras.]'' :'''Saul''': How about that 44-21 win against the Cavs? :'''Frank''': Be still my heart. ''[laughs]'' :'''Saul''': Seventy-six yard pass to Reggie Ball, and–and never sacked once. :'''Frank''': Wow, you have got quite the memory. :'''Saul''': ...Yeah, well—I'll tell you what. I can remember every stitch of clothing I was wearing during that game, but ask me what I had for dinner and... ''[whistles]'' Clean slate. :'''Frank''': Tell me about it! ''[Saul checks his stopwatch, which is at two minutes and fifteen seconds]'' Well, I'll tell ya: If you're not passing the ball, that's what's gonna happen. ''[eats another bite]'' Mmm! :''[Eventually, Jeff runs with the last round of clothes when he slips and falls. Saul chokes on his coffee.]'' :'''Frank''': You okay? :'''Saul''': ''[coughs]'' Wrong pipe. :'''Frank''': Oh, okay. So, you think our guys are gonna move to the Big Ten like they're sayin'? :'''Saul''': ''[pause]'' Big Ten? :'''Frank''': Yeah, you know, maybe they're just chasing the almighty dollar if you ask me. I mean, both powerhouses of course. But, you know what? You got Oklahoma and Texas over here. But Michigan, Ohio State over there! ''[Saul looks nervously at the cameras]'' I... I don't know. Guess I like tradition. ''[chuckles; sighs as he takes yet another bite]'' So good. Just amazing. Wow. :''[After Saul realizes Jeff is out cold, he fakes a nervous breakdown to distract Frank]'' :'''Saul''': God, what am I doing? :'''Frank''': What? :'''Saul''': ''[cries out again as Frank turns his head towards the cameras]'' Look at me! Wha—I don't know what... ''[sobs]'' Oh, Jesus! :'''Frank''': Gene? :'''Saul''': Oh, God. You... you have a wife, right, Frank? :'''Frank''': Yeah. :'''Saul''': Yeah? :'''Frank''': Yeah. :'''Saul''': She's waiting for you? ''[Frank nods]'' Look at me. I got... I got no one. My parents are dead. [[w:Chuck McGill | My brother]]... ''[beat; looks down]'' My brother is dead. I, uh... I don't have a wife. No kids, no friends. If I die tonight, no one would care. What difference would it make? :''[Saul looks up again and notices Jeff slowly getting himself up]'' :'''Frank''': Gene, buddy... I—I'm sure you mean a lot to... to a lot of—lots of people. ''[turns his head around again]'' :'''Saul''': ''[slams fist on table]'' If I die tonight, my landlord would pack up my stuff. It'd take him three hours. And Cinnabon would just hire a new manager. Gene who?! Poof, I'd be gone! I'd be... a–a ghost. No, not a ghost. I'd be a... a shadow. I'd just mean ''nothing.'' I mean, Frank... What's the ''point'', Frank? What's the... :''[Saul sees Jeff put away the clothes in the box. He groans as he watches Jeff run out of the warehouse, then claps when he's out of sight]'' :'''Saul''': ''[sighs]'' I'm sorry. You didn't need to hear that. :'''Frank''': No, no, no. That's–that's okay. No, that is okay. Everybody has bad days. :'''Saul''': You've felt like this? :'''Frank''': ...No. I mean, not me, but... people. I think a lot of people. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Saul''': You guys enjoying yourselves? Well, hold on to that feeling, 'cause this is it. :'''Jeff''': Yeah, we know. :'''Saul''': Well, in case you forget, you transported stolen goods with a value exceeding $5,000. And the truck you used to do it was rented in Council Bluffs across state lines. :'''Jeff''': You told us to rent the truck over there, so— :'''Saul''': ''[motions for Jeff to stop talking]'' Theft from an interstate shipment, up to ten years. Transportation of stolen goods, another ten years. Sale of stolen goods, ten years. Conspiracy to commit a federal crime— :'''Buddy''': Whoa, hold on. Conspiracy? It was your idea. :'''Saul''': Yeah. It's called mutually assured destruction, so... if I go down, you go down. :'''Jeff''': Man, you don't have to threaten us. We're all friends here. :'''Saul''': I am not your friend. And if you get greedy, and you decide to come back for more, ''don't.'' Gene Takavic, you've never heard of him. Cottonwood Mall, you don't go there. You see me comin', you cross to the other side of the street. :'''Jeff''': Dude. :'''Saul''': Now, I need you to say it. We're done. :'''Jeff''': ''[pause; laughs]'' Come on! :'''Saul''': Say it. ''We're done. '''Say it.''''' :'''Jeff''': ''[beat; looks at his friend briefly]'' We're done. :'''Buddy''': ''[pause]'' We're–we're done. === ''[[w:Breaking Bad (Better Call Saul) | Breaking Bad]]'' [6.11] === :''[Saul, with his limbs duct-taped and a bag over his head, lies on the floor of an RV.]'' :'''Saul''': Guys, c'mon. Talk to me! ''Habla, por favor! Yo soy abogado! Abogado, abogado!'' Aw-- Crap! You already knew that! Jesus, fellas, there's a better way to do this! Hello? Oh-- Why- Wha-- Why are we going off-road? Oh! Whoa! Whatever this is, can we please don't do it in the desert? ''Anywhere but the desert!'' Oh-- Oh, God, I'm gonna be sick... :''[The RV stops and two masked men walk up, cutting the tape at Saul's legs and forcing him upright.]'' :'''Saul:''' Alright, fellas... This-- we can-- We can fix this! Whatever the ''problemo'', we can fix it with ''dinero. Mucho dinero! Mucho, mucho, mucho dinero!'' C'mon, please, one of you just, just-- You talk, ''habla!'' C'mon, b-before mistakes are made! C'mon, talk to me, guys, huh? :''[The RV door closes to reveal [[w:Pilot_(Breaking_Bad)| five bullet holes covered with duct tape.]]]'' :'''Saul:''' C'mon, just tell me what you want! Jeez... :''[The bag is taken off Saul's head to reveal an open grave in the middle of the desert]'' :'''Saul:''' Oh! Oh, no, no, no, no, no! No! [[w:Better Call Saul (Breaking Bad)| It wasn't me! It was Ignacio, he's the one!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Francesca answers a payphone at an abandoned convenience store outside of Albuquerque. On the other end of the line is Saul, calling from a phone booth outside a diner in rural Nebraska under his Gene Takavic alias.]'' :'''Francesca''': Yeah. :'''Saul''': Oh, good. You're there. Great. Great. Unencumbered by curious eyes and ears, I'm guessing? :'''Francesca''': Wouldn't have picked up otherwise. :'''Saul''': Right. Excellent. Um, okay. Well then... Lay it on me. :'''Francesca''': First things first. :'''Saul''': No, I believe we agreed after. :'''Francesca''': I'm hanging up. :'''Saul''': Okay, okay then! Jeez! I... Okay, if you're facing the phone, turn right ninety degrees and, uh, walk straight. You'll see some pieces of broken concrete in the dirt. Just pull back the one that's kinda shaped like New Jersey. :'''Francesca''': New Jersey? :'''Saul''': Alfred Hitchcock in a fez, whatever. Just pull that one back, and you'll see a, um, soda can tap. It's got a fishing line tied to it. Follow that line, it'll take you to an old water line, and just keep pulling the string and you'll get what I promised. :''[Francesca leaves the phone off the hook and follows Saul's instructions. She soon retrieves a pouch containing three bundles of cash, amounting to several thousand dollars. She returns to the payhone.]'' :'''Francesca''': Okay. :'''Saul''': Great. Was it all there? I mean, the rats didn't eat it or anything? :'''Francesca''': It's all here. :'''Saul''': ''[exhales]'' Okay. Well, uh, tell me... how hot. :'''Francesca''': How hot? :'''Saul''': Yeah. :'''Francesca''': Well, I still get followed. Not as often as [[w:Ozymandias (Breaking Bad) | when the shit first hit the fan]], but I still see them. My mail gets opened. My phone at home clicks whenever I use it. :'''Saul''': So the maestro buying the farm didn't change anything? :'''Francesca''': No. If anything, it made it worse. [[w:Skyler White | Skyler White]] got her deal, so the only ones left to go after are you and Pinkman. And I heard [[w:El Camino: A Breaking Bad Movie | they found his car down by the border]], so adios dopehead. :'''Saul''': Oh, so they're still on to me. Well... Hey, what do you know about the nail salons? :'''Francesca''': Nail salons are gone. :'''Saul''': What? Gone? All of them? :'''Francesca''': Yup. :'''Saul''': What about the vending machines? :'''Francesca''': Gone. :'''Saul''': Jesus! Don't tell me, the laser tag... :'''Francesca''': Feds found it all, Saul. :'''Saul''': How?! It was shells within shells! Dammit! Dammit!! Okay... okay... Hey— oh. Let's say there was an overseas account, Antigua and Barbuda— :'''Francesca''': Tiger Fish Corporation? :'''Saul''': What? :'''Francesca''': Tiger Fish Corporation? 850K? I gave it to the feds. :'''Saul''': You did what? Why would you do that?! :''[An automated message tells Saul that his phone time has expired. He hurriedly puts more quarters into the payphone.]'' :'''Saul''': ''God dammit!'' :'''Francesca''': You—you put my name on the board of a fictional corporation. I had to give it up, I didn't really have a choice. And a heads-up would have been nice, by the way! :'''Saul''': So it's gone? It's all gone. Those sons of bitches took everything. :'''Francesca''': Except what you took with you, and I'm guessing that wasn't chump change. :'''Saul''': Yeah, well... :'''Francesca''': Well... Guess that's it. :'''Saul''': Wait, wait, wait! C'mon, I just put more quarters in! Can't you just... I don't know... give me the lowdown? :'''Francesca''': There's nothing else. :'''Saul''': Well, that's not true. After all this time? You know, come on. Just fill me in. Um... How's Kuby? :'''Francesca''': No idea. :'''Saul''': Alright, how about Huell? :'''Francesca''': Huell? I guess back home in New Orleans. DEA held him under false pretenses or something, so last I heard he walked. :'''Saul''': Good. Um, how about Danny? Or—or Ira? I mean, any word on those two guys? :'''Francesca''': They have Internet where you are? :'''Saul''': Well, just... C'mon, give me something. There's gotta be some news. :'''Francesca''': Remember Bill Oakley? He switched sides. :'''Saul''': He came out, huh? :'''Francesca''': No, he's not gay. He's a defense attorney now. :'''Saul''': Huh. Well, I mean... What about you? How are you doing? :'''Francesca''': ''[sarcastically]'' I'm just great. [[w:Rainier III, Prince of Monaco|Prince Rainier]] proposed. The private jet is taking us to the palace on Thursday. :'''Saul''': Yeah. Okay, well... I guess that's it, then. :''[Francesca mulls over what to tell Saul next.]'' :'''Francesca''': I did get one call, after everything went down. ''[pause]'' Kim. Checking in on me. :'''Saul''': No kidding? :'''Francesca''': ''Mm-hmm''. Your name came up. Asked if you were alive. :'''Saul''': She asked about me... ''[pause]'' What did you tell her? :'''Francesca''': Nothing. :'''Saul''': But she asked. :'''Francesca''': Yup. :'''Saul''': ''[long pause]'' ...Yeah, okay. Well, I guess this is goodbye— :''[Francesca hangs up without saying anything.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Saul goes inside the RV driven by the two masked men [[w:Better Call Saul (Breaking Bad)| who kidnapped him and brought him to the desert]]]'' :'''Saul''': What the hell is this? It's like [[w:James Whale|James Whale]]'s travelling roadshow in here. :''[Jesse Pinkman, a ski mask pulled up over his face, steps in behind him.]'' :'''[[w:Jesse Pinkman |Jesse]]''': Whatever the hell that is, Crystal Ship definitely travels. :''[Walt enters and shuts the door behind him, incredulous. Meanwhile, Saul explores the RV.]'' :'''[[w:Walter White (Breaking Bad) | Walter]]''': I'm sorry, you said the ''what'' travels? :'''Jesse''': Crystal Ship. What I call this thing. :'''Walter''': Alright, never mind, just... No details. We're paying him to do a job, let's just leave it at that. :'''Saul''': "No details?" Fellas, that–that money you put in my pocket, that doesn't just extend to this job. That can get you attorney-client privilege on—on all matters! :'''Walter''': ''No details.'' :'''Saul''': Look at this setup. I mean–What, you two driving around like Mr. Softee, scooping out drugs for all the good boys and girls? :'''Jesse''': No, we don't deal from here. :'''Walter''': I said no details! :'''Jesse''': Dude is standing in front of a meth lab, it's not like he ain't gonna put two and two together! :'''Walter''': He is on a need-to-know basis. :'''Jesse''': Uh, I didn't wanna show my face. Did he need to know that? :'''Saul''': So, you're not just distribution. You're the whole freakin' package. :''[Saul leans up against a table, considering Walt and Jesse before turning to the lab equipment.]'' :'''Saul''': You two actually make the blue stuff? ''[brief pause]'' Here?! ''[chuckles and picks up a flask]'' That's amazing! :'''Walter''': Can you not touch...? :'''Saul''': I mean, look at this! I had a fish that could've used this as a vacation home, but you're using it to make the goods, huh? :'''Jesse''': Yeah, it's a, um, round-bottom flask. ''[turns to Walt]'' Right? Round-bottom? ''[Walt grimaces and says nothing]'' It's a flask for distilling. :'''Walter''': It won't be if you break it. Now please, put it down. :'''Saul''': Oh. ''[clears his throat]'' Okay, so if you cook the blue stuff... ''[to Jesse]'' that means you're Igor and— ''[to Walt]'' and that makes you... You're Heisenberg. Wow. Hey, tell me, how-how much product can you churn out with a setup like this? :'''Walter''': Alright, we're done. We're done with the questions. ''We'' ask the questions. You have ''a'' job—''one'' job—and I still don't understand how you're gonna pull it off. :'''Saul''': Listen, when I get all my ducks in a row, I'll give you a PowerPoint down at the office. But until then, just—just bring what we talked about, okay? And don't worry! I'm gonna make it work. :'''Walter''': I'm taking the eighty thousand as a starting point for negotiation. :'''Saul''': Take it any way you want. That's the price and, um... ''[clears throat again]'' I'm calling shotgun. ''[saunters up and plops down in the passenger's seat]'' :'''Walter''': ''[to Jesse, who attempts to take the driver's seat]'' I will drive. :'''Jesse''': Oh, yeah. Sure. I'll just... stand. I guess. ''[under his breath]'' Dick. :'''Saul''': At least you won't be rolling around like the last Christmas ham in the back of the delivery truck, you know? I—I've got bad knees. ''[to Walt]'' I think you might've messed up my rotator cuff. You're lucky I'm not charging you for my chiropractor, she's expensive. ''[to Jesse]'' But she adjusts ''everything.'' :''[Walt starts the RV, which immediately stalls out.]'' :'''Walter''': Dammit. :'''Jesse''': You gotta give it some ''gas'' when you're backing up. :'''Walter''': I gave it the proper amount of gas. :'''Jesse''': I guess that's why we're "moving", then. :'''Walter''': Look, it just was... idling too long. It'll start. :''[Walt attempts to turn over the ignition again and it sputters.]'' :'''Jesse''': Oh, you should've just let me drive, yo! :'''Walter''': Look, nothing would be different in this moment except you panicking and flooding the engine. :'''Jesse''': ''[scoffs]'' Bullshit. :'''Saul''': Look, fellas, I was enjoying the [[w:Laurel and Hardy|Laurel and Hardy]] vibe, but I'm not such a fan of [[w:The Bickersons|the Bickersons]]. Now, can you get me back to my office? I—I got work to do if you want me to make some magic. :'''Walter''': We just need to sit a moment, that's all. When it idles too long, the fuel pump overheats, and so we just need to let it cool down. :''[Walt takes the key out of the ignition, plunging the RV into darkness. Walt clears his own throat, which turns into a cough. A bit of blood spills onto his hand and he wipes it away, but Saul notices. He gives Walt a once-over and Walt responds with a glare of his own, which prompts Saul to turn his attention to the window.]'' :'''Jesse''': So... who's Lalo? :'''Saul''': ...Who? :'''Jesse''': Lalo. Thought some dude named Lalo sent us? You seemed pretty freaked out. Never heard of no Lalo on the street. :'''Saul''': ''[beat]'' It's nobody. ''[to Walt]'' Hey, are you gonna try that again? 'Cause... Or are they gonna find us, y'know, buried in a sandstorm a thousand years from now? Just, please. :''[Walt turns the key and the RV springs to life once again]'' :'''Jesse''': ''[sarcastically]'' Bravo. :'''Saul''': I second that! I'm gonna give you two free words of advice: Jiffy. Lube. :'''Walter''': Hold on. :''[They drive off out of the desert, leaving behind the hole that Walt and Jesse previously dug up.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Saul is lying on the floor with his feet in the Swing Master as Mike enters his office]'' :'''Saul:''' Ho, enter sunshine! Cast some light into my cool, dark world! :''[Mike doesn't say anything, sitting on the couch and looking at a newspaper crossword puzzle]'' :'''Saul:''' Hello? You're on the clock, right? So, get with the info any time. :'''Mike:''' When you're done. :'''Saul:''' No, I can multitask. Please. :'''Mike:''' I'm not gonna talk to you while you're on... whatever ''that'' is. :'''Saul:''' You know, LBJ used to have his underlings give him reports while he was on the shitter. :'''Mike:''' ''Ah-hah.'' Well, either I'm gonna leave or I'm gonna put my foot in your skull. :'''Saul:''' ''[sighs]'' ...Fine. ''[gets up off the floor]'' You should try one of these. You walk like Frankenstein after he was probed by aliens. ''Ha!'' I can get you one. Would do wonders for your chi. ''[puts on his suit jacket and seats himself behind his desk]'' Let's go. Lay it on me. :''[Mike walks to the desk and hands Saul an envelope containing photos.]'' :'''Mike:''' Alright. First: there's your Mrs. Denise Gabbler. She's cheating, alright. :'''Saul:''' ''[whistles]'' Limber! ''Ha-ha!'' Well, at least I know they didn't spot you. No one could stay that aroused with your mug peeking through the window. ''[Mike stares at Saul, stone-faced; he doesn't respond]'' What else you got? :'''Mike:''' Well, next I followed your bus driver. Newsflash: He really does have a broken neck. :'''Saul:''' Fantastic. That makes my life much easier. Keep it coming. :'''Mike:''' Second-story guy out of Indianapolis, Lasky? Did a dime at Menard. Now, if you're looking for a tenor who will keep his mouth shut, you can trust him. I say he's worth keeping an eye on. :'''Saul:''' Second-story guy, second-story guy... I—I got more second-story guys in my book than pimples at a junior prom. That... ''[inhales]'' What about, uh, that Heisenberg fella? :'''Mike:''' High school chemistry teacher. :'''Saul:''' You're shittin' me, really? :'''Mike:''' Walter Hartwell White. Chemistry teacher over at J. P. Wynne. Working with a former student, current meth head, one Jesse Pinkman. :'''Saul:''' Wow... Uh, what else about the teacher? :'''Mike:''' He has lung cancer. :'''Saul:''' ''Jesus.'' That's why he can't quit with the coughing. How bad? :'''Mike:''' Stage 3A. He's in treatment, more tests to come. But it doesn't look good. Now listen, even if this guy was gonna live, I wouldn't go near him. He's a complete amateur. :'''Saul:''' Well, you see an amateur, I see 170 pounds of clay ready to be molded. :'''Mike:''' Well, if the cancer doesn't get him, it will be the cops or a bullet to the head. :'''Saul:''' Is that your appraisal, or is that what [[w:Gus Fring | He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named]] says about him? :'''Mike:''' He didn't say anything. The guy is small potatoes. :'''Saul:''' Yeah, okay. I hear ya. I just—I got a feeling about this. This Heisenberg guy's got something. It's top-of-the-line product, that's the buzz on the street. And I just think with the right management— :'''Mike:''' You know, years ago I bought a [[w:Betamax|Betamax]]. Good product, top of the line. Experts said it was better than a VHS. Turned out to be a complete waste of time and money. :'''Saul:''' ''Hm?'' :'''Mike:''' ''[sternly]'' Let it go. :'''Saul:''' ''[sighs]'' ...Guy with that mustache probably doesn't make a lot of good life choices. So yeah, the second-story guy. Menard, you said? :'''Mike:''' Yeah, right, right, right. Alright, part of a high-end crew fencing jewelry up into Canada. Now, Lasky kid caught a bad break. Cop was driving by just as he was ducking in a window. He did the time, no one else on his crew went down. Solid. :''[Saul stares off into space, not paying attention to what Mike is saying.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Saul learns that Jeff's friend, Buddy, bailed on one of their scams and confronts him in the garage behind Jeff's house.]'' :'''Saul''': You're kidding me! Absolutely kidding me! :'''Buddy''': I'm sorry, man. I couldn't do it. :'''Saul''': Do you know how much time, how much effort I put into finding the perfect mark?! I have to weed through all these saps who have wives and families at home! Find somebody who's alone, with money! And what—So you can just wimp out?! :'''Buddy''': The guy has cancer, man! I found pills in his pocket, okay? The same ones my dad took. For, like, pancreatic cancer. :'''Saul''': So a guy with cancer can't be an asshole? ''[chuckles]'' Believe me! I speak from experience! :'''Buddy''': I can't rip off a guy with cancer. I'm sorry. :'''Saul''': Do you know how many of the suckers we've ripped off had sob stories?! ''Every single one of them!'' Besides, it'll be ''months'' before they even realize they've been taken! This guy will already be dead! So please get back in your truck, go back to the house, and finish the job! :'''Buddy''': ''[beat]'' No, man. I can't do that! I can't! :'''Saul''': Alright, I get it! You'll get over it, okay? Please, believe me. Before you know it, you'll forget all about it. ''[softly]'' Go. :'''Buddy''': Look, we're doing really well, right? Hear me out, okay? I mean, we're rolling in cash! We can just let this one go! :'''Saul''': Not your call. :'''Buddy''': ''[sighs]'' Yeah, but I... I pulled the tape when I left! The door's locked! We couldn't get back in even if we wanted to! ''[Saul angrily slaps the top of Jeff's car]'' Jeff, come on, man! Back me up here! :'''Jeff''': Oh, well I... I don't know. I mean, I can see both sides kinda. :'''Saul''': You know what? Forget it, you're fired. Just go! Just give me the camera and go! :'''Buddy''': ''[hands Saul his camera]'' Fine. :'''Saul''': GOOD! Go, we don't need you! And I know I don't need to tell you this, but since you're such a goddamn amateur, I will anyway! Keep your mouth ''shut''. :''[Buddy gives Jeff one last glance before leaving the garage.]'' :'''Saul''': ''[to Jeff]'' If we're gonna do this, we should leave now. :'''Jeff''': ...We're really gonna go back there? :'''Saul''': What did I just say? Jeff, are you in or out?! === ''[[w:Waterworks (Better Call Saul) | Waterworks]]'' [6.12] === :'''Kim''': Kim Wexler. :'''Jimmy''': Hey! Kim Wexler... You know who this is? ''[beat; Kim is silent]'' I'm gonna take that as a "yes". Uh, that receptionist of yours, is she the type to listen in? :'''Kim''': No. :'''Jimmy''': Good! Okay! So... How's Florida been treating you? I'm catching you between hurricanes, I hope. ''[pause]'' Kim? You there? :'''Kim''': What do you want? :'''Jimmy''': No, I don't... I don't want anything, I just—It's been a while, y'know, I was just... I was thinking, it's been a while? And, uh... It might be nice to catch up. :'''Kim''': "Catch up?" :'''Jimmy''': Yeah, my mind was wandering this morning, just... Not thinking anything in particular, just random thoughts and—Bam, it suddenly occurred to me, it's been six years. I mean, Jesus. I—I couldn't believe it! ''[beat]'' I thought you might wanna know I'm still alive. ''[pause]'' Yep. I'm still out here! Still getting away with it! Feds couldn't find their own ass with both hands and a proctologist. :'''Kim''': You shouldn't be calling me. :'''Jimmy''': Oh, hey! You're awake! :'''Kim''': ''You shouldn't be calling.'' :'''Jimmy''': Why not? What, am I tying up the line from important irrigation business? I mean, come on, Kim, say something. Hey, call me an asshole! Yell at me! Just let me know you still got a pulse. ''[pause]'' Just ''say'' something! :'''Kim''': You want me to say something? :'''Jimmy''': Yeah. :'''Kim''': You should turn yourself in. :'''Jimmy''': Do what? :'''Kim''': You heard me. I don't know what kind of life you've been living, but it can't be much. :'''Jimmy''': Said the pot to the kettle! What?! That is—hat is really rich, you—''you'' preaching to ''me?!'' See, you have no idea what I did or didn't do, okay? And why–why don't you turn ''your''self in? Seeing as how ''you're'' the one with the guilty conscience, huh? What is—What is stopping you, huh? Fring's in the ground. Mike's in the ground, Lalo's in the ground, apparently. You don't have to hold back on my account! They can only hang me once, so what?! So go ahead! Spill your guts, put on your hair shirt, see what it gets you! Why are... Kim, why are we even talking about this? We're both too smart to throw our lives away for no reason, just... I just—I only wanted to... Kim—Kim...! Kim— :'''Kim''': I'm glad you're alive. ''[she hangs up]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cheryl Hamlin has just finished reading Kim's written confession, describing the events leading up to the night of Howard's death]'' :'''Cheryl''': ...Why? :'''Kim''': He was... in the wrong place at the wrong time. :'''Cheryl''': Where's his body? :'''Kim''': I don't know. :'''Cheryl''': And the police... will they search again? :'''Kim''': They'll search. I don't think they'll find him. Cheryl, he... It—It all happened in an instant, and he didn't—he didn't suffer. :'''Cheryl''': "He didn't suffer"? The lies you two made up, the picture you painted... That's all he is now! That's all ''anybody'' remembers! :'''Kim''': I wanna change that. :'''Cheryl''': What happens now? Will you be tried? Will you go to jail? :'''Kim''': I don't know. :'''Cheryl''': You're a lawyer, right? You're a... a ''great'' one, Howard said! How could you ''not know?'' :'''Kim''': Bernalillo County has my affidavit. It's up to the district attorney whether to prosecute. And she may not. :'''Cheryl''': ''Why?'' :'''Kim''': There's no physical evidence. No remaining witnesses other than my ex-husband, assuming he's still alive. :'''Cheryl''': I could sue you in civil court. I could take everything you've got. :'''Kim''': Yeah. :'''Cheryl''': ...Why are you doing this? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kim stands outside Saul's office, attempting to light a cigarette. A man, revealed to be Jesse Pinkman, leans against a wall.]'' :'''Jesse''': Hey, yo... Can I bum one of those? :''[Kim pauses before offering him the cigarette. Jesse takes one and she lights it for him.]'' :'''Jesse''': Thanks. ''[gestures towards the rain]'' What's up with this shit? :'''Kim''': Raining. :'''Jesse''': Yeah. I dunno, it's... It's crazy! Like, bananas, all this rain. I mean, I thought we were, like, in a desert, y'know? ''[beat]'' You're a lawyer, right? ''[Kim turns to him]'' Yeah. I recognize you. You defended my buddy, Combo. Christian Ortega? Juvie court, little baby Jesus? I mean, not like a ''real'' baby. Just, uh... y'know, one of those things outside of the... church? :'''Kim''': Nativity scene. :'''Jesse''': Yeah. :'''Kim''': Knights of Columbus. :'''Jesse''': I mean, what the ''hell'' did he even ''want'' that thing for? Huh? I mean, I—I still don't know, ''dumbass.'' I told him he could go to hell for stealing something like that. I mean—But did he listen to me? No. But you... You got him off, like, scot-free, that... That was pretty slick, yo! :'''Kim''': Well... Tell him I hope he's keeping his nose clean. :'''Jesse''': Yeah, yeah. Right on. Absolutely. Uh... Hey, so, you having all this expertise and all... This guy, Goodman... ''[pause]'' He the real deal? Like, lawyer-wise? :'''Kim''': Why do you ask? :'''Jesse''': I got a buddy in there who's facing some serious time. I mean, not... y'know, not baby Jesus time, but... but serious. You know, he needs top-shelf legal representation. And I tell him that, right? But, you know, he sees this dude's commercials on TV, and this is where he wants to go. I mean, I tell him, "Yo... Emilio, you know, a funny TV commercial's not a sound... basis for, like, you know... ''[pause]'' I mean, like, would you go to a doctor to do, like, an operation on you in, like a... On, like your spleen, or whatever... All on the fact that there was a funny TV commercial? No. I mean, c'mon. How is this ''any'' different, y'know?" Anyways... This guy. Any good? :''[Kim throws her cigarette away]'' :'''Kim''': When I knew him, he was. ''[pulls her hood up and runs out into the rain]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Saul calls Marion after learning that Jeff has been arrested for the robbery he committed the previous night]'' :'''Marion''': Hello? ''[pause]'' Gene! Honey, do you know what time it is? ''[beat; picks up her phone and sits down]'' Oh... Oh God, that boy. He's gonna put me in my grave. :'''Saul''': Marion... ''[chuckles]'' It's a mistake is all. Getting picked up for something you didn't do, that could happen to anybody. :'''Marion''': Yeah right, anyone. This isn't the first time, you know. He's been in trouble before. Oh, Jesus! :'''Saul''': Marion— :'''Marion''': The death of me! He's gonna be the death of me! :'''Saul''': Marion! Marion, it's gonna be alright. We'll get him outta there lickety-split. :'''Marion''': I've been through this before. There's nothing lickety-split about it. Back when he was living in Albuquerque... Drunk in public, resisting arrest, urinating in—in some place he shouldn't have! And me on the telephone for hours long-distance, trying to find one of those bailout places. I maxed out my Discover card. I'm still paying for that one! :'''Saul''': Well, money's not gonna be a problem because I'm gonna help you with that. :'''Marion''': No, Gene. I can't let you do that. No. :'''Saul''': Sure you can. Jeff will pay me back. And you don't have to worry about a bondsman either, because guess what? In Omaha, they don't have 'em. Right? You just walk into the station, you pay out straight cash bail. It's not like Albuquerque at all. ''[beat; Marion starts growing suspicious]'' Marion, you still there? :'''Marion''': Yeah, what... Why did Jeff call you instead of me? :'''Saul''': Well, I think he was scared of how you'd take it. Honestly, I was gonna pay the bail myself, but I think it should be a family member. I think that'd be best. ''[brief pause]'' I'll tell you what. Let me take a shower, get dressed, and you do the same. I'll swing by and pick you up, we'll get this whole thing squared away. :'''Marion''': What about Buddy? Is he in any trouble? :'''Saul''': I don't think so. Why would he be? ''Heh.'' I'll see you in about an hour. :'''Marion''': Yeah, okay. Yeah, thanks. :''[After she hangs up the phone, Marion takes out her laptop and connects it to her phone chord]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Saul has just discovered Marion watching videos on the internet. He opens up her computer to find one of his old commercials playing, then re-shuts it.]'' :'''Saul''': What's that? :'''Marion:''' ...You tell me. :'''Saul''': Marion, do you think that's me? 'Cause it's not. :'''Marion:''' There never was a Nippy, was there? :'''Saul''': What did Jeff tell you? :'''Marion:''' Oh, he didn't tell me anything. [[w:AskJeeves | AskJeeves]] told me. I typed in "conman" and "Albuquerque". And up you popped, big as day. :''[Marion reaches for her phone]'' :'''Saul''': What are you doing, Marion? :'''Marion:''' What do you think I'm doing? I'm calling the police. :'''Saul''': Here. Let me help you with that. ''[rips the phone line from the wall and backs Marion into a corner]'' Listen, I think we're losing sight of the bigger picture here, okay? Jeff is in trouble, and I wanna help him. He and I could sure use your support here. :'''Marion:''' What'd you get my son into?! :'''Saul''': Nothing that he didn't ask for. ''[shoves Marion's chair to the side and wraps the phone cord around his fists.]'' Listen, I'm still the good friend you thought I was, okay? Jeff understands me! Buddy understands me! And you will, too. You just have to, uh... You know, keep things on an even keel, alright? :''[Marion pulls out her [[w:Life Alert Emergency Response | LifeAlert button]], threatening Jimmy with it as he closes in.]'' :'''Saul''': What have you got there? Put that down. Put that down, Marion. Put it down. Do not do it, Marion. Final warning... ''[takes it out of her grasp.]'' :'''Marion:''' I trusted you. :''[Saul holds on to the button for a few moments, guilt quickly setting in before he lets it go. Marion grasps the button again and presses it.]'' :'''Valerie:''' Marion? This is Valerie with LifeAlert. Are you okay? :'''Marion:''' No, Valerie, I'm not okay! There's a criminal standing in my kitchen, threatening me! He's a wanted man, and his name is Saul Goodman! :'''Valerie:''' Alright, Marion? I'm calling the police, I'm calling right now. :''[Saul sprints out of the kitchen and exits the house. Marion looks on in shock.]'' === ''Saul Gone'' [6.13] === == External links == {{wikipedia}} [[Category:Better Call Saul seasons]] [[Category:Split television seasons]] oh5qg7zjio6tfwwwt849kvpjupwyai2 3153172 3153107 2022-08-10T10:39:02Z DemonDrake 3100809 /* Waterworks [6.12] */ wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} ---- :'''Season''' [[Better Call Saul (season 1)|1]] [[Better Call Saul (season 2)|2]] [[Better Call Saul (season 3)|3]] [[Better Call Saul (season 4)|4]] [[Better Call Saul (season 5)|5]] [[Better Call Saul (season 6)|6]] | [[Better Call Saul|'''Main''']] ---- The following is a list of quotes from the sixth season of ''[[Better Call Saul]]''. === ''[[w:Wine and Roses|Wine and Roses]]'' [6.01] === :''[Mike, Gus, and Tyrus gather in the office trailer at the Los Pollos Hermanos chicken farm to discuss the aftermath of the attempted hit on Lalo Salamanca.]'' :'''Gus:''' Tell me again about the ''sicario'' who made the final report. :'''Tyrus:''' He was already wounded when he talked to our cutout. Federales found him dead at the scene. But they got Salamanca. :'''Gus:''' The mercenaries are dead. To a man. And yet their mission was a success? :'''Mike:''' It has been known to happen. Now you go down there and get Varga, bring him home safe. There's ways to do it on the quiet. :''[Long pause; Gus and Tyrus both stare at him.]'' :'''Mike:''' ''[scoffs]'' ...Unless you already have something in the works. :''[Tyrus turns and exits the trailer. Mike and Gus speak alone.]'' :'''Gus:''' Speak your mind. :'''Mike:''' Loyalty goes both ways. Varga's done everything you asked him. :'''Gus:''' He wasn't given a choice. :'''Mike:''' Maybe so, but he played a tough game. And he played it on the square. :'''Gus:''' ...And? :'''Mike:''' When all is said and done, the kid deserves your respect. :'''Gus:''' He has it. Is there more you wish to say? :''[After a long pause, Mike exits the trailer.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jimmy and Kim have dinner at a diner; conversation turns to the Ford Taurus that Jimmy has rented.]'' :'''Jimmy:''' I rented us a car. It's the Ford. :'''Kim:''' So Saul Goodman drives a brown Ford Taurus? :'''Jimmy:''' Detroit calls that taupe, I believe. :'''Kim:''' Don't you think Saul Goodman would drive something with a little more... flair? :'''Jimmy:''' Such as? :'''Kim:''' I don't know. Definitely American-made. Something showy. And Saul Goodman has an office. Something eye-catching. Good location. :'''Jimmy:''' By the courthouse? :'''Kim:''' Yeah. A cathedral of justice. :'''Jimmy:''' ''Ooooh'', a cathedral of justice. Okay, yeah. :'''Kim:''' We should start looking for something for you. I mean, for Saul. :'''Jimmy:''' Sold. When do we start? <hr width="50%"/> :''[At the courthouse, Jimmy is confronted by the district attorney who prosecuted Lalo during his bail hearing]'' :'''ADA Khalil''': I've been calling you for two days. :'''Jimmy''': Oh, my girl's out sick. What can I do you for? :'''ADA Khalil''': Tomorrow morning, 10 A.M. :'''Jimmy''': Brunch? But just you and me, right? ''[points at Detective Roberts]'' I mean, won't the big fella here feel like a third wheel? :'''ADA Khalil''': You and I are meeting Parson in chambers. I am asking for an emergency hearing to alter the terms of De Guzman's release. :'''Jimmy''': Sounds like a blast. Unfortunately, I'm booked solid. :'''Detective Roberts''': I checked your client's place of residence. The address he gave, it's a Dairy Queen in Altamonte. The family that showed at the bail hearing can't be located. No driver's license, no tax rolls, no school records. Nothing. The fact is, there isn't a single Elizabeth McKinnon under the age of 73 living in New Mexico. :'''Jimmy''': Well, this is–this is surprising. :'''ADA Khalil''': Your client has disappeared, and I'm not waiting six weeks to start looking for him. :'''Jimmy''': Hey, my guy put up seven million in bail. You think he's just gonna walk away from that? :'''Detective Roberts''': Who comes up with seven million bucks in cash? :'''ADA Khalil''': You know what I think? I think the family was fake. ''[to Jimmy]'' And I think you knew it the whole time. :'''Jimmy''': Okay, hold up. Just get real for a second. The hearing didn't go your way, and now you're trying for a do-over? You say my guy ran, I say he's got seven million reasons for showing up when he's legally required to do so. So, no, I won't be... uh, due process window dressing at any crash meeting with Parson. And if you try throwing any of this crap around in front of the judge without my presence, here's an accusation: Prosecutorial misconduct. ''Career-ending'' prosecutorial misconduct! :'''Detective Roberts''': None of that changes the fact the guy's not who he said he was. :'''Jimmy''': No, no, no! Hold on! You guys got caught with your pants around your ankles, and somehow that's on me?! I don't think so! ''[points at ADA Khalil]'' You got two dozen lawyers up there! You got investigators—you got the whole damn police force—and it's ''my'' fault that you can't keep track of Lalo?! ''That is '''not''' my job!'' :'''ADA Khalil''': Lalo? Who's Lalo? :'''Jimmy''': What?! ''[blinks hard]'' What did I say... I meant De Guzman. I have more than one client! ''[chuckles]'' So... ''[clears throat]'' I will see you at the preliminary in six weeks as scheduled. Until then, I have clients who need me. :''[Jimmy walks into an empty courtroom and sits down while contemplating his slip-up]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jimmy takes a guided tour of the country club where Howard and Cliff are members, meeting with a tour guide named Norm in the main lounge.]'' :'''Norm:''' Hi, Norm Wakely. I understand you're in the market for a tour. :'''Jimmy:''' That's right. Saul Goodman. :'''Norm:''' Great to meet you, Mr. Goodman. :'''Jimmy:''' No please, call me Saul. :'''Norm:''' Great. So Saul, can I get you anything before we get started? The coffee here is just unbeatable. :'''Jimmy:''' Uh, well, I'm fine. I'm fully caffeinated. :''[Kevin Wachtell walks into the room and becomes upset upon seeing Jimmy in the lounge.]'' :'''Norm:''' Well Saul, you and I are standing on hallowed ground. Five presidents have played on our course, starting with Dwight D. Eisenhower. But the story goes back even further than that– :'''Kevin:''' ''Norm.'' :''[Jimmy and Norm turn toward Kevin.]'' :'''Kevin:''' Can I have a sec, please? :'''Jimmy:''' Kevin, hey. How's it going? :'''Norm:''' Uh, I'm sorry. I'm sure this will just be a moment. :''[Norm goes over to Kevin and talks to him for a few moments, clearly being instructed to remove Jimmy from the premises.]'' :'''Norm:''' Mr. Goodman. I'm so sorry, but I've just been reminded that in fact we have a two-year waiting list. :'''Jimmy:''' Two years, wow. Maybe I could go on the tour anyway. I mean, 'cause I'm here. Just in case. :'''Norm:''' Well unfortunately, we've suspended tours for the moment. :'''Jimmy:''' You're not even giving tours? :'''Norm:''' I apologize for the inconvenience. We–we'll be happy to call you if the situation changes. You left your number? :'''Jimmy:''' Uh-huh. :'''Norm:''' Well, we'll be in touch. If the situation changes. Again, I–I am sorry for your time and trouble. We just– ''[sighs]'' We had a few crosswires. :'''Jimmy:''' Well... okay then. :'''Norm:''' Thank you. :''[Jimmy is about the leave the lounge, but impulsively stops, turns around, and approaches Norm again.]'' :'''Jimmy:''' I'm sorry. :'''Norm:''' Oh, yes. :'''Jimmy:''' Um, just so I understand: you were going to give me a tour and then realized you don't need new members? :'''Norm:''' We have a waiting list. :'''Jimmy:''' Okay, but you're the membership director... :'''Norm:''' I know. :'''Jimmy:''' ...so you would have known that before. It doesn't really add up. I mean, I came in and everyone was rolling out the red carpet, and then all of a sudden something changed. I don't– :'''Norm:''' Mr. Goodman, I– :'''Jimmy:''' ''Goodman.'' The name. The second you heard it, everything turned on a dime. Wow. Waiting list? I think you're talking about an ''exclusion'' list. It's okay, I should have known. Because, I mean, look! ''[raises his voice and walks to the middle of the lounge, where everyone can see him]'' It's wall-to-wall mayonnaise in here! So listen, if you're going to be restrictive, have the courage to say so! :'''Norm:''' There's no question– :'''Jimmy:''' There it is, folks! Anti-Semitism, alive and well right here in Albuquerque! :'''Norm:''' Sir! We have many Jewish members! :'''Jimmy:''' Oh good. Well, you met your quota then. Gold star for you. :''[Kevin, flanked by two of his golf buddies, interjects.]'' :'''Kevin:''' Hold on. That's gotta be the biggest load of horse crap I've ever heard in my life. Go crawl back in your hole, McGill or Goodman – whatever you're calling yourself. What are you up to, anyway? Ginning up another one of your put-up job lawsuits? You two-faced, blackmailing, money-grubbing son of a bitch– :'''Jimmy:''' Money-grubbing! You're saying the quiet part out loud, I think. :'''Norm:''' Gentlemen, can we just keep the volume down? :'''Kevin:''' You know damn well that's not what I meant! :'''Jimmy:''' In this day and age, I'd hoped and prayed we'd be beyond this. :'''Kevin:''' You're about as Jewish as my Aunt Fannie! :'''Jimmy:''' Five-thousand years and it never ends! :''[Kevin tries to take a swing at Jimmy, but is held back by his golf buddies.]'' :'''Jimmy:''' ''Here it is! Violence! It always comes to this!'' :'''Norm:''' Mr. Wachtell, please! :'''Kevin's Buddy:''' Come on, Kev. :'''Kevin:''' ''[to Jimmy]'' You go to hell, you lying sack of shit. :''[Kevin and his golf buddies leave the lounge.]'' :'''Norm:''' Sir. Mr. Goodman, I don't know what to say. That is not– :'''Jimmy:''' I wouldn't be a member here. I wouldn't walk through those doors again after what happened to me here today. ''[feigns tears]'' Do you at least have a bathroom that I could use, seeing as how my– Stress like that is hell on my diverticulitis. :'''Norm:''' The men's locker room is the closest. It's straight through there. :'''Jimmy:''' And I would be allowed to go in there? :'''Norm:''' Yes, of course. :'''Jimmy:''' I want you to know I don't blame you personally. I know you were just following orders. ''[to everyone in the lounge]'' It's okay, folks! I'm leaving! All is well! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lalo is preparing to be smuggled across the border with a group of undocumented immigrants when he decides to call the Casa Tranquila Nursing Home and speak to Hector. A nurse holds a phone up to Hector's ear in the common room. Hector uses his bell to communicate.]'' :'''Lalo:''' ''[in Spanish]'' Uncle, can you hear me? Do you know my voice? :''[Hector visibly recognizes Lalo's voice.]'' :'''Hector:''' ''[rings bell twice]'' :'''Lalo:''' They told you about the attack, didn't they? :'''Hector:''' ''[rings once]'' :'''Lalo:''' Let them keep believing I'm dead. So much the better. It was the chicken man. That coward sat up there in the north while his paramilitaries came into my home. My home, Uncle! Screw Bolsa, screw Eladio. I'm coming north. I'm going to hurt him. Hurt him like you taught me. And then I will kill him. :'''Hector:''' ''[rings repeatedly in agreement]'' :'''Lalo:''' What is it? :''[The nurse takes the phone from Hector.]'' :'''Nurse:''' Hector? ''[to Lalo]'' Excuse me. I'm so sorry, but Hector seems a little upset. :'''Lalo:''' ''[in English]'' Yeah, sorry. Um, I'm just– I'm sharing a bit of family news, some good, some bad. Would you mind putting him back on? It will only be a minute. :'''Nurse:''' Of course. :''[The nurse again holds the phone to Hector's ear.]'' :'''Lalo:''' ''[in Spanish]'' Uncle? :'''Hector:''' ''[rings twice]'' :'''Lalo:''' What is it? Do you have another idea? :'''Hector:''' ''[rings twice]'' :'''Lalo:''' Okay, let's see. A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, Ñ, O, P– :'''Hector:''' ''[rings once]'' :'''Lalo:''' P? That's right? :'''Hector:''' ''[rings once]'' :'''Lalo:''' Okay. What's next? A, B, C, D... :''[Cut to the common room; Hector rings twice.]'' :'''Lalo:''' ...L, M, N, Ñ... :''[Cut to the common room; Hector rings once.]'' :'''Lalo:''' U? ''Prueba?'' :'''Hector:''' ''[rings once]'' :'''Lalo:''' Is that what you're saying? Proof? :'''Hector:''' ''[rings twice]'' :'''Lalo:''' Uncle, I don't have any proof. For months I was in the north watching him, following his men. There was nothing. :''[Lalo has a flash of realization.]'' :'''Lalo:''' Wait... There is proof. I know where to find it. Goodbye, Uncle. You will see me soon. === ''[[w:Carrot and Stick|Carrot and Stick]]'' [6.02] === :'''Jimmy''': "I was a hard worker. I was a company man. Twenty years, and I didn't miss a single day. They even gave me a plaque for it. ''[sighs]'' It was a gold plaque. Perfect attendance... But when they handed it to me, I wrenched my back. I was in so much pain, I couldn't do my job... ''[sighs again]'' which meant I couldn't put food on the table. I didn't want to sue... but with a family to support, what choice did I have?" :'''Kim''': Wait, who are you supposed to be again? :'''Jimmy''': Whatever. The backstory is just a placeholder. I'm gonna polish the script once we cast. :'''Kim''': But a personal injury suit? Best case scenario, that gets him in with an associate. :'''Jimmy''': ''[throws hands up]'' Mesothelioma. ''[clears his throat]'' "When I took that job down at the shoe factory, I had no idea I was risking my life. Now, I can't stop coughin'!" Right? Come on! Hey, a mesothelioma class-action built Clifford Main his vacation house. He hears "mesothelioma," his eyes pop! :'''Kim''': Well, sure. But then he takes the case. What happens when he asks for a medical evaluation? And how does Howard come up? :'''Jimmy''': Okay, ask me why I'm here. :'''Kim''': What brings you to Davis & Main today? :'''Jimmy''': "I'm sick. I'm really sick..." :'''Kim''': Good. :'''Jimmy''': "...and it's not mesothelioma, but it's not good. And I need a lawyer, and the pickings are slim. I already went to HHM. I met with their top guy, Howard Hamlin, and uh... Uhhh, I–I got a brother-in-law and he's got a pretty nasty coke habit, very similar energy. Just put me off. Anyway, I need a lawyer, blah-blah-blah." :'''Kim''': Okay, but you got a bad feeling from just one meeting? :'''Jimmy''': Yeah, I had the brother-in-law with the coke. :'''Kim''': Yeah, but you were only in the room with him once. :'''Jimmy''': Okay, so it's gotta be something with a history with Howard. :'''Kim''': Yeah. :'''Jimmy''': But Cliff has to want to take the meeting, but not the case. :'''Kim''': Right. :'''Jimmy''': ''[sighs]'' It's gotta be good, but not too good. :'''Kim''': Exactly. There's a sweet spot, you know. Like a magnet. We–we pull Cliff in, and then repel him. ''[beat]'' Oh! :'''Jimmy''': What? :'''Kim''': ''[sighs]'' You are going to ''hate'' this... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jimmy tracks down the Kettlemans to their shady tax preparation office and tries to rope them into his and Kim's plan to ruin Howard]'' :'''Betsy''': ''[to Jimmy]'' You've got some nerve coming here after what you did! ''[shoves Jimmy]'' ''Leave!'' Because of you, we lost ''everything!'' Our kids are in public school! So why don't you go crawl back under whatever slime-covered rock you came from and leave us the heck alone?! :'''Jimmy''': Okay, I sense some anger here, but that's–that's perfectly understandable. Since you brought it up, I came here today because I was curious if you two wanted your lives back. There's actually a legal term for it: Exoneration. :'''Craig''': Oh. You know, we actually did look into that. :'''Betsy''': Yep. :'''Craig''': We went to a number of lawyers, and— :'''Betsy''': ''Real'' lawyers. :'''Craig''': Yes. They were all terrific, but they said that it was impossible. :'''Betsy''': ''Mm-hmm''. :'''Jimmy''': Okay, but those lawyers don't know what I know. :'''Craig''': What's that? :'''Betsy''': No, Craig. He's got an angle. :'''Jimmy''': I ''do'' have an angle, Craig. It's an angle called justice. ''[Betsy scoffs and snickers]'' Let me put it this way: I think that within Craig's case, I have found the grounds for a civil suit. A big one. ''[pause; quietly]'' Big. :'''Betsy''': ''[long pause; looks at Craig]'' Okay, then. Let's hear it. :'''Jimmy''': Let's hold your horses, because we've been down this road before. [[w:Uno (Better Call Saul)|And the last time I gave you two advice, you went straight to the competition with it.]] ''[pulls out a piece of paper from inside his suit]'' So, I just need some assurances that all my hard work isn't gonna end up in the hands of, uh, Clifford Main or some other asshole at some pretentious high-pay, white-shoe law firm. So before we talk turkey, letters of engagement. :'''Craig''': Yes. :'''Jimmy''': Yeah, you remember these. I made some updates, just closed a few loopholes and whatnot. So... ''[holds out paper and pen]'' :'''Betsy''': ''[stops Craig from taking the pen]'' We're not signing anything. :'''Jimmy''': You have to sign if you want to know what I know. :'''Betsy''': ''We're not signing.'' :'''Jimmy''': Really? You're sure? :'''Betsy''': Yep. :'''Jimmy''': Craig? :'''Craig''': ''[looks at Betsy before shaking his head]'' Thanks anyway. :'''Jimmy''': ''[unclicks pen]'' Alright. Well, uh... Sorry we couldn't work something out. :'''Betsy''': I'm sure you are. :''[Jimmy overhears Betsy and Craig arguing as he walks around the trailer. He balls the pen in his fist]'' :'''Craig''': Mr. Goodman! :'''Jimmy''': ''[smiles; clicks pen and takes out letter]'' Best decision you've ever made. ''[turns his back to Craig for him to sign the letter]'' Here you go. :'''Betsy''': ''[after Craig signs the letter]'' So what do you know? :'''Jimmy''': You got one, too, Betsy. ''[holds out another letter]'' :''[Betsy snatches the pen and paper from Jimmy and signs the letter while pressing the pen hard on Jimmy's back]'' :'''Jimmy''': Oh, come on. That's not... ''Ow''. All right. Well, we're officially in business. Now, I have it on good authority here that Craig was not given proper counsel. :'''Betsy''': We already knew that. :'''Jimmy''': But did you ask yourselves why? :'''Craig''': No. Why? :'''Jimmy''': What if I told you that in your hour of need, the person who was supposed to be on your side was impaired? :'''Craig''': Impaired? :'''Jimmy''': It's a... a person of substance. ''[as Betsy and Craig talk to each other quietly]'' Substance in question being a certain illegal white powder. :'''Betsy''': That awful woman with the ponytail is a cocaine addict. :'''Jimmy''': No, not Kim Wexler! No! Craig's lead attorney, Howard Hamlin! :'''Craig''': Oh. I thought he was so... professional and energetic. Upbeat. :'''Betsy''': Oh... :'''Jimmy''': "Oh," is right. :'''Craig''': So upbeat is bad? :'''Jimmy''': In this case, it's textbook malpractice. The magic phrase is, "ineffective assistance of counsel." If your guy wasn't nose deep in the devil's dandruff, well, Craig's case would've turned out completely different. :'''Craig''': Oh, my God! :'''Betsy''': Don't we need some kind of proof? :'''Jimmy''': All the dirty laundry comes out in discovery. It’s just trips to rehab, secret drug deals. All we gotta do is get the ball rolling. So, I say we get started on your affidavits. :'''Craig''': Yes. :'''Betsy''': About that. We happen to know a thing or two about our rights, Mr. McGill. And it doesn’t matter what you force us to sign. We don’t have to work with any lawyer we don’t want. ''[gets in Jimmy's face]'' And that means... you’re fired. :'''Jimmy''': I am not fired. :'''Betsy''': Oh yes, you are! :'''Jimmy''': No! No! :'''Craig''': He’s fired? :'''Betsy''': Craig! :'''Jimmy''': No, you can’t fire me! I found this case, it’s mine! Hey, you wanna hear about rights?! The second you say where you got this information from, guess who automatically gets a cut?! ''Me! So go ahead! Go ahead, see what happens!'' :''[Jimmy pretends to be upset after the Kettlemans leave, but slowly starts smiling as he walks away]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Gus and Juan Bolsa visit Hector at Casa Tranquila to send their condolences, still believing that Lalo is dead. The dialogue is in Spanish.]'' :'''Bolsa''': He wishes to make amends. At least hear him out. :'''Gus''': Don Hector. It's no secret that I did not see eye to eye with your nephew. And while the friction between your family and myself did not start with him, today I am reminded we are all Eladio's men. No matter our disagreements, a strike against one is a strike against all. I hope you will accept my condolences and my support as you navigate this terrible loss. :'''Bolsa''': Gustavo speaks the truth. In this matter, he and I both stand shoulder to shoulder behind the Salamanca family. We are still looking for the traitor, Ignacio Varga. ''[places hand on Hector's shoulder]'' We will find him. And then your family will have justice. :''[Hector slowly reaches his hand out to Gus. As Gus holds his hand, he notices a change of expression on Hector's face and stares at him. Cut to outside the nursing home.]'' :'''Bolsa''': ''[to Gus in English]'' We'll be in touch. :''[Gus calls Mike on his cell phone after Bolsa drives away]'' :'''Mike''': What did you learn? :'''Gus''': Lalo Salamanca lives. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jimmy gets a call from Betsy Kettleman after she finds out there was no case against Howard]'' :'''Jimmy''': Saul Goodman, speedy justice for you. Oh, wait! Okay, just take a breath, and then we can... Okay, okay. I can tell you're upset. Just... I–I never advised that. No. ''[sighs]'' No, I did not, so let's agree to disagree. ''[pause]'' Okay, I think you're going to want to meet in person before you do anything rash. So how about–how about we meet up, and we can hash this out. ''[pause]'' Yeah, sure! Tomorrow, first thing. Uh, 9 A.M, I can come to your office. That work? ...Okay, okay! Good! ''[hangs up]'' :'''Kim''': I'm surprised it took them this long. You, uh... You're gonna use the stick, right? :'''Jimmy''': The stick? Well, it's a big stick. But I know these people, they're more carrot types. Especially her. ''[takes out cash and puts the bills in his suit pocket]'' Spoonful of sugar, you know? :'''Kim''': ''[beat]'' I think maybe I'll come, too. :'''Jimmy''': Tomorrow? Really? :'''Kim''': Sure. I have time. :'''Jimmy''': ''[pause]'' Okay. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tyrus''': They found the truck, but no sign of Varga. Salamancas have all eyes looking for him, including the federales. Still not picking up his cell, so nobody got a lock on it. Now as for Lalo, still missing. As far as everybody in the cartel is concerned, top to bottom, Lalo is dead. :'''Mike''': May I offer a thought? ''[pause; to Gus]'' If Salamanca was coming straight for you, he'd be here already. We've got guys watching anywhere he might turn up this side of Mexico. Wire taps on any phone he might call. There is not a whiff of him. Now, my guess is he's smart enough to know it's not in the Salamanca family interest to take you out without a reason the bosses can get behind. So, the odds are he's searching for Varga. Finds him alive, gets him to talk. ''[pause; Gus remains silent]'' Varga's alone in foreign territory, no one he can trust. The kid's smart, but he's not gonna last. ''[Gus stands up]'' He's gonna get caught. :''[Gus accidentally knocks a glass over and kneels down to pick up the shards from the floor]'' :'''Gus''': Continue. :'''Mike''': The best way to handle this: I take four of our best guys, cross the border and track Varga down. Let me find him, bring him back before the Salamancas sweep him up. It's our only play. :''[After cleaning up the broken glass, Gus throws it away and looks out a nearby window]'' :'''Gus''': ''[beat; in Spanish]'' Varga's father. Bring him here. :'''Mike''': No. You're not doing that. ''[locks the door after Tyrus gets his gun out]'' You don't understand. That's not happening. :'''Tyrus''': ''[walks up to Mike and aims gun at him]'' Just say the word. :'''Mike''': Whatever happens next... it's not gonna go down the way you think it is. :''[Mike stares at Tyrus, who cocks his gun and waits for Mike to make a move.]'' :'''Mike''': ''[beat; hears cell phone vibrating]'' It's him. :'''Tyrus''': Bullshit. I've been calling Varga for hours. He hasn't picked up once. :'''Mike''': He's been trying to get me since he left the Salamancas. ''[opens phone]'' You want me to answer it? :''[Tyrus turns to Gus, who nods. Mike answers the phone and speaks to Nacho]'' :'''Mike''': Yeah. ''[pause]'' Yeah. ...Not my call. ''[pause]'' That's up to you. ''[to Gus]'' He wants to talk to you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Betsy:''' You used us &ndash; us and our good name &ndash; to character-assassinate Howard Hamlin. Somehow, some way, it benefits you to tear him down. :'''Craig:''' Yeah. And we're&ndash;we're mad. :'''Jimmy:''' Okay, yeah. I'm hearing a lot of unfounded accusations being tossed around. I don't know anything about schemes or character assassination or whatnot, but... ''[clears throat]'' if you're feeling slighted, we can make it right. ''[Jimmy hands Betsy a bundle of cash]'' :'''Betsy:''' Money? ''[scoffs]'' Money's not gonna take care of this. :'''Jimmy:''' Money takes care of everything. Isn't that the motto stitched onto the Kettleman family crest? :'''Betsy:''' We don't want money. :'''Jimmy:''' I am non-plussed. I'm guessing you want something. :'''Betsy:''' Do what you promised. :'''Jimmy:''' Do what I what? :'''Betsy:''' Exonerate Craig. Get his good name back. :'''Jimmy:''' Alright. Well, as you've been advised, for a number of reasons that's not gonna happen. :'''Betsy:''' It ''is'' gonna happen. It is. It's... You're just gonna have to figure out a way. :'''Craig:''' If anyone can do this, it's you. :'''Betsy:''' I know you don't want us going to Howard Hamlin. Because whatever it is you're up to, I'm sure he would be ''very'' interested. :'''Jimmy:''' Okay, let's just go easy on the threats. :'''Betsy:''' We want our lives back! The way they were before. ''Before.'' We lost everything! And we don't deserve any of this. :'''Kim:''' Okay. Enough carrot. ''[clears throat]'' :''[Kim turns to the home phone next to her and begins to dial]'' :'''Craig:''' Dial 9 to get out. :'''Kim:''' Oh, thank you. :'''Betsy:''' ''[whispering; to Craig]'' We didn't give her permission to use the phone. :'''Craig:''' ''[whispering; to Betsy]'' She needs to use the phone. :'''Jimmy:''' Kim... ? :''[The line connects; Kim speaks through the phone's speaker]'' :'''Receptionist:''' Internal Revenue Service, Albuquerque. :'''Kim:''' Hi. Could you put me through to Justin Stangel in Criminal Investigations? :'''Receptionist:''' One moment, please. :'''Betsy:''' ''[to Kim]'' What are you doing? Excuse me! :'''Justin:''' This is Justin. :'''Kim:''' Justin, Kim Wexler. How are you? :'''Justin:''' Hey, Kim. Good to hear from you. :'''Kim:''' How are Noreen and the boys? :'''Justin:''' Oh, hanging in. Noreen always talks about having you by for dinner some time. :'''Kim:''' We should do that. Tell her to call me. Listen, I was wondering who your CID officer is these days. :'''Justin:''' You have something for us? :'''Kim:''' Oh, I just might: Tax preparer fraud. A lot of it. :'''Justin:''' I'm listening. :'''Kim:''' Well, it's this, uh, run-down little mom-and-pop outfit I've had my eye on for a while. ''[chuckles]'' Don't ask me why. Clearly, I need to get a life. But from what I can glean, their clients always end up with smaller refunds than they deserve. :'''Betsy:''' ''[whispering]'' Please don't do this. :'''Justin:''' Do the clients sign over third-party authorization? :'''Kim:''' Bingo. So what I'm thinking is, these creeps file legit returns with you guys, give the clients fake ones that show about half the proper amount, and then pocket the difference. :'''Justin:''' Classic scam. Well, I know just the guy to go after these dirtbags. Tony Oropallo. Real bulldog. I'll transfer you over. :'''Kim:''' Such a big help, Justin. :'''Justin:''' You got it. Talk soon. :'''Betsy:''' You don't have to do this. :'''Kim:''' ''[to Betsy]'' Don't I? Betsy... You'll probably get twenty-four months, maybe eighteen with good behavior. But Craig? You are a two-time loser. They will definitely make an example out of you. Each false return they discover will be a separate felony. What are we talking? A hundred? :'''Betsy:''' Uh... :'''Kim:''' Two-hundred? :'''Tony:''' ''[beat]'' CID, Anthony Oropallo speaking. :''[Betsy runs to the phone and slams down the receiver to end the call]'' :'''Betsy:''' Please. We'll do anything. Just tell us. :'''Kim:''' ''[beat]'' Why would I believe ''you?'' Huh? :'''Craig:''' Please. :'''Kim:''' ''[long pause]'' First. First, you contact every person you've ripped off. Tell them you made an accounting error, tell them you're crooks who had a change of heart, I don't care. Give them what they are legally owed. Everything you stole. And then after that, you're going to forget you ever heard the name Howard Hamlin. I'm keeping my eye on both of you. You think you've lost everything? ''You have no idea.'' :''[Kim leaves the room with Jimmy while the Kettlemans stand shellshocked, on the verge of tears]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jimmy:''' [[w:Inflatable (Better Call Saul)|Wolves and sheep]]. :'''Kim:''' Huh? :'''Jimmy:''' ...Nothing. === ''[[w:Rock and Hard Place|Rock and Hard Place]]'' [6.03] === :''[Nacho calls his father from an auto shop while on the run]'' :'''Manuel''': A-to-Z Fine Upholstery. Hello? :'''Nacho''': Dad. It's me. :'''Manuel''': Nacho? :'''Nacho''': ''Si'', Papa. ''Hola''. :'''Manuel''': ''[sighs]'' ''Hola, hijo.'' ''[in Spanish]'' How are you? :'''Nacho''': ''[in Spanish]'' Good, good. Um... just wanted to hear your voice. :'''Manuel''': Nacho, where are you? You sound strange. :''[pause]'' :'''Nacho''': It's not important.... I was just checking in, that's all. :'''Manuel''': Okay. ''Hijo'', I have lots of work to do. We've been through this, so many times. You know what you have to do... go to the police. :'''Nacho''': Yes, Papa. I understand... I hear you. :''[pause]'' :'''Manuel''': What else is there to say? Hmm? Goodbye, ''hijo''. :'''Nacho''': ''[choked up]'' Goodbye, Papa. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Nacho calls Mike at an auto repair shop in Mexico while on the run from the Salamancas]'' :'''Mike''': Yeah. :'''Nacho''': It's me. :'''Mike''': Yeah. :'''Nacho''': You knew. You knew that I was going to Mexico to die, that I was never supposed to make it out of that motel. And you let it happen. :'''Mike''': Not my call. :'''Nacho''': What happens now? :'''Mike''': That's up to you. :'''Nacho''': Is that bastard with you? Put him on. :'''Mike''': Hmm. ''[to Gus]'' He wants to talk to you. :'''Gus''': ''[takes cell phone from Mike; to Nacho]'' Yes. :'''Nacho''': You are screwed. ''[pause]'' You want the cartel to blame me for Lalo. But if they catch me, and make me talk? ''Ooh...'' That is not good for you, is it? Even if I disappear, everyone's gonna smell your stink all over it. The only way that this works for you is with me dead. ''[beat]'' Alright. Whatever bullshit way you want the story to go, I will make it go. But... I need one thing. :'''Gus''': Yes? :'''Nacho''': My dad. I need to know that he will be safe. :'''Gus''': If you are true to your word, there will be no reason for anyone to harm your father. :'''Nacho''': ''You'' are not the one that I need to hear it from. :''[Gus puts the phone on speaker so Mike can speak to Nacho]'' :'''Mike''': Your dad's gonna be okay. :'''Nacho''': How do you know? :'''Mike''': Because anyone who goes after him is gonna have to come through me. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jimmy and Huell sit in a car; Jimmy pays Huell for duplicating the keys to Howard's Jaguar]'' :'''Huell:''' Can I ask you sum'n? :'''Jimmy:''' Sure, go ahead. :'''Huell:''' Personal, kind of. :'''Jimmy:''' Okay. What? :'''Huell:''' You're a lawyer. You make good money, right? :'''Jimmy:''' Good days and bad, but yeah. :'''Huell:''' Legit money, on the level. :'''Jimmy:''' Yeah, so? :'''Huell:''' Your wife's a lawyer. A legit lawyer. :'''Jimmy:''' Yeah. :'''Huell:''' Why you do all this? :'''Jimmy:''' Oh, I got you. I&ndash;I know from the outside that this looks like just another scam, but you're not seeing the bigger picture. Couple months from now, there are people whose lives are gonna be way better. Because of this. We're making a real difference. Trust me. We're doing the Lord's work here. :'''Huell:''' ''Hmph''. If you say so. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jimmy''': What's going on? :'''Kim''': I have news, Jimmy. Lalo is dead. :'''Jimmy''': ''[exhales deeply]'' Holy shit. :'''Kim''': The DA's office put it together that Lalo was calling himself De Guzman. They are pretty upset they let him go. :'''Jimmy''': I'll bet they are. :'''Kim''': Ericsen seems to think that if Lalo lied to you and you didn't know about the pseudonym, that you could break confidentiality. She wants you to talk. She says it's right. :'''Jimmy''': Well, what do you think we should do? :'''Kim''': You... should do whatever you want, Jimmy. They don't have anything on you. It's just a fishing expedition to see if you bite. :'''Jimmy''': ''[pause]'' You think I should do it? :'''Kim''': It depends. :'''Jimmy''': On what? :'''Kim''': Well... ''[sighs]'' I guess it's basically... Do you want to be a friend of the cartel or... do you want to be a rat? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Nacho is driven to a remote location with Gus, Tyrus and Victor. There they meet Juan Bolsa, Hector Salamanca, and the Cousins. Bolsa kneels next to Nacho.]'' :'''Bolsa:''' Today, you are going to die. But there are good deaths, and there are bad deaths. Tell me what I need to know, I'll see that your death is a good one. Who put you up to this? :''[Nacho glances at Gus, as if he's about to turn on him]'' :'''Bolsa:''' One last chance. ''Who?'' ''[long pause; scoffs and gets up to leave]'' :'''Nacho:''' It was Alvarez. Los Odios, out of Peru. They paid me to set up your nephew. And I did. :''[Hector furiously rings his bell and attempts to point to Gus, who he knows is the real culprit]'' :'''Bolsa:''' Alvarez, we know. Los Odios, we know. Was anyone else involved? :'''Nacho:''' ''[scoffs; nods to Gus]'' Him? You think the chicken man? ''Heh.'' What a joke. Alvarez has been paying me for years &ndash; ''years''. ''[to the Salamancas]'' But you know what? I would have done it for free. Because I hate every last one of you psycho sacks of shit. I opened Lalo's gate, and I would do it again. And I'm glad what they did to him. He's a soulless pig, and I wished I'd killed him with my own hands. And you know what else, Hector? I put you in that chair. Oh, yeah. Your heart meds? I switched them for sugar pills. You were dead and buried, and I had to watch ''this'' asshole... ''[gestures to Gus]'' ...bring you back. So when you are sitting in your shitty nursing home and you're sucking down on your Jell-O night after night for the rest of your life, ''you think of '''me,''' you twisted fuck.'' === ''[[w:Hit and Run (Better Call Saul)|Hit and Run]]'' [6.04] === :'''Jimmy:''' What kind of asshole moves a cone?! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jimmy''': So, I pull the Jag into the loading zone. And I start scrappin' with this hunk of metal. It was in deep—like, "down a well" deep—so I just... wrassled it! UGH! ''[Kim laughs hysterically]'' Like a freakin' bear, and I jam it in the dirt in front of the Jag! Boom! Barely made it out of there with the skin of my teeth. ''Who moves cones?'' Who does that? :'''Kim''': Narcissists. :'''Jimmy''': Heh, you're damn right. So you think Cliff really bought it, huh? :'''Kim''': One hundred percent! You should've seen his face. It landed, trust me. God, it was... beautiful. ''[pause]'' Oh, and that is not all. :'''Jimmy''': Spill. :'''Kim''': So... I'm doing the stall. I'm telling Cliff what I'm doing—what I wanna be doing. All I'm thinking is, I gotta stretch this out until you get there, but then... I don't know. I... kinda got caught up in it, and then... Cliff went for it. I mean, like, ''really'' went for it. :'''Jimmy''': What does that mean? Like, money? :'''Kim''': I don't think he'll write a check himself, but he knows people. And I think he'll deliver. :'''Jimmy''': You're kidding! :'''Kim''': I know! How great is that? :'''Jimmy''': This is unbelievable. ''[Kim laughs]'' Are we on a roll, or are we on a roll? Jeez! :'''Kim''': ''[beat]'' You ever feel like you're being followed? ''[pause]'' When I dropped Wendy off at the motel, she thought she was being watched by some undercover cops. But then when I drove away... that same car was behind ''me.'' Right after I spotted them, they disappeared. :'''Jimmy''': Well, you know what they say: The wicked flee where no man pursueth. :'''Kim''': ...You think we're wicked? :'''Jimmy''': No. What? ''[chuckles]'' It's just a turn of phrase. I think you're wicked hot. ''[pause]'' Alright. Listen to the voice of experience, okay? You know why you're feeling like this? Because we got away with it. It seems too good to be true, but trust me. Nobody is following you. ''[takes Kim's hand]'' No one knows what we're doing except for us. Okay? :'''Kim''': ''[pause]'' Okay. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jimmy confronts Bill Oakley at the courthouse when he notices his colleagues' cold treatment of him]'' :'''Jimmy''': What the hell is going on?! How come everyone's treating me like I'm covered in oozing pus sores? :'''Bill''': I liked you better when you were just a regular bottom feeder. But this? :'''Jimmy''': This? What is, "this?" :'''Bill''': I understand advocating for your client. Deep in my heart, I get it. But you scammed the court. You scammed the judge, and for what? To get a murdering cartel psychopath back out on the street? It's just... wrong. :'''Jimmy''': That's a lot of big talk, Bill. Prove it. Prove it, Bill! :'''Bill''': There's proving, and then there's knowing. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': They're gone. :'''Kim''': I'm sorry? :'''Mike''': The two men that were following you. They're gone. :'''Kim''': Do I know you? :'''Mike''': Would you mind sitting for a moment, and I will answer any questions I can. ''[pause; Kim sits down next to Mike]'' I have men watching you and your husband. I'm not with the police, and as far as I know, they're not investigating either of you. I ''do'' know that you've been up to a few things that you probably would rather keep private. I don't care. That's not what this is about. I'm trying to solve a problem of my own. :'''Kim''': What problem? :'''Mike''': Lalo Salamanca. :'''Kim''': Lalo Salamanca's dead. ''[beat; Mike says nothing and stares at Kim]'' He... isn't. :'''Mike''': We're watching anyone he might contact. That includes you and your husband. Most likely, he'll never reach out. He's got bigger fish to fry. But in the thousand to one chance that he does... :'''Kim''': And who do you work for? :'''Mike''': I said I would answer anything I can. :'''Kim''': ''[long pause]'' [[w:Bagman (Better Call Saul)|You're the guy from the desert]]. The one who was out there with Jimmy. Why are you telling me this and not him? :'''Mike''': Because I think you're made of sterner stuff. ''[pause; gets up]'' Alright. Now here's what's best for everyone. You spot my guys again—which I'm hoping you won't—let them go about their business. Just pretend they're not there. And pretty soon, they won't be. You and your husband just... go on living your lives. ''[starts to leave]'' :'''Kim''': I do know you. You worked in the parking booth at the courthouse. ''[pause]'' You were the attendant. :'''Mike''': ...I was. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kim meets Jimmy at a strip mall where an office space is available for lease]'' :'''Kim''': What are we doing here? :'''Jimmy''': Take a look. What do you think? :'''Kim''': About what? :'''Jimmy''': My new office. Potentially. Come on. :''[They both peer through the storefront windows of the office, which is empty except for a lone toilet]'' :'''Kim''': Huh. :'''Jimmy''': Mrs. Nguyen kicked me to the curb. :'''Kim''': What? Why? :'''Jimmy''': It's a long story, but upshot is she wants me out of there with extreme prejudice. :'''Kim''': Wow. Bad day, huh? :'''Jimmy''': Well, no. It was a... great day. With actual paying clients. The word is out! People were throwing cash retainers at me just to say Saul Goodman is their lawyer. :'''Kim''': Because of who you represented. :'''Jimmy''': Well, I mean, that's part of it. But the bottom line is I need a new place for new business pronto. Now, this place is a shithole, but the price is right. And I think I can talk the landlord into a month-to-month. So, it's temporary until I find something better. ''[sighs; pause]'' Hey. What do you think? :'''Kim''': ''[beat]'' It's small. It's... dirty. And this whole place smells funny. ''[pause]'' But the courthouse is five blocks away. You can't get to MDC without driving past. Parking is good, bail bond row isn't far, and uh... Taco Cabeza is just around the corner. Might be a diamond in the rough. Just promise me... you won't move the toilet. :'''Jimmy''': ''[chuckles]'' There it is. Alright. Uh... speaking of Taco Cabeza. :'''Kim''': I'm starving. Let's do it. === ''[[w:Black and Blue (Better Call Saul)|Black and Blue]]'' [6.05] === :''[Cliff informs Howard about witnessing Jimmy throw Wendy out of Howard's car]'' :'''Howard:''' I threw a woman out of my car? In the middle of the street? And I&ndash;''zip''&ndash;I just drive right past you? I... That's what you're saying? I-I-I don't even... I don't know how to respond to that. :'''Cliff:''' I'm not asking you to respond. I just need you to know that ''I'' know. :'''Howard:''' It wasn't me, Cliff. Whoever you think you saw&ndash; :'''Cliff:''' Yeah, sorry, but that's the kind of thing my son used to say. It was your Jaguar, your "Namaste" plate. It was you! Howard, there's no harm in asking for help. You got a lot of people in your corner. :'''Howard:''' So there's the-the baggie at the county club. :'''Cliff:''' Yes. :'''Howard:''' After that, some clients&ndash;who you can't name because of privilege&ndash;make insinuations. Then on Thursday, you have a business meeting and you witness a Jaguar speeding past. ''[beat]'' Who were you meeting with? :'''Cliff:''' Not sure why that's germaine, but... Kim Wexler. She came to me for career advice. :''[Howard's face becomes awash with realization]'' :'''Howard:''' ''Mmm.'' All right. ''[pause]'' Okay. ''[takes out his cell phone]'' Of course. ''[scoffs]'' Of course. ''[to Cliff]'' Cliff, I know this wasn't easy for you. You came to me as a friend. I appreciate it. :'''Cliff:''' You can start today, Howard. :'''Howard:''' Oh, I will. Because you're right, I ''do'' have a problem. Just not the problem you think. I have a Jimmy McGill problem. :'''Cliff:''' Jimmy McGill?! :'''Howard:''' You'll have to excuse me. :'''Cliff:''' Howard! :'''Howard:''' ''[to his secretary on the phone]'' Julie. Cancel my week. Yes, my whole week. :'''Cliff:''' Howard! :''[Howard climbs into his Jaguar and drives away]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jimmy walks into a boxing club and sees Howard, who pretended to be a potential client named "Mr. Ward"]'' :'''Howard''': Hello, Jimmy. :'''Jimmy''': Mr. Ward, I presume. As in... H.O. Ward. That is really cute, Howard. So, wait. That means that you're the guy who shanked some dude in a rumble near Central Pen. ''[sighs]'' That's—that's very street of you. :'''Howard''': I thought it sounded like a Saul Goodman kind of case. :'''Jimmy''': ...Alright, so what are we doing here? :'''Howard''': I'm tired, Jimmy. You and me, us. I'm tired of this. Aren't you? It's exhausting. ''[points at boxing ring behind him]'' Let's punch it out. :'''Jimmy''': ''[chuckles]'' Are you kidding? :'''Howard''': Dead serious. Hoping you might get it out of your system. Do I think it'll work? ''[shrugs]'' I don't know. Call it a Hail Mary. I have the gear, I rented the ring. It's just you and me... ''[points at the man standing behind Jimmy]'' and Macky to ref. :'''Jimmy''': ''[pause]'' I am sorry, but have you lost your mind? :'''Howard''': Actually, I'm as clear-headed as I've ever been in my life. You didn't even try to hide your tracks. The baggie of drugs at the country club, the clients you sent to discredit me, ''another'' prostitute. :'''Jimmy''': Okay, once again as usual, I— :'''Howard''': Please. I could go on. All roads lead back to you. It's Psych 101. You want to get caught. :'''Jimmy''': So what? Is this like pistols at dawn? :'''Howard''': I'm trying to give you what you want. :'''Jimmy''': What I want? I don't... I think this is what ''you'' want. You wanna beat the shit out of me? Legally? :'''Howard''': I think you can hold up your end. You must've gotten into a few good scrapes in your old neighborhood. :'''Jimmy''': Yeah, right. I could've been a contender. :'''Howard''': Indulge me. Let's see what we see. :'''Jimmy''': ''[pause; smiles]'' Thanks for the laughs. ''[chuckles]'' "Mr. Ward." :''[Jimmy laughs and starts to walk out, but stops. He and Howard are seen suited up with boxing gloves as they begin their fight. They both land a few punches on each other, but Howard eventually knocks Jimmy down]'' :'''Howard''': ''[to Jimmy]'' You've mistaken my kindness for weakness. I like to think that tonight made a difference. I like to think that this ends it. ''[pause; shakes his head]'' Probably not. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jimmy''': I should've left Howard standing there like a yutz. Instead I let him suck me into his game. Why did I do that? :'''Kim''': You had your reasons. :'''Jimmy''': I did? Like what? :'''Kim''': Because... you know. :'''Jimmy''': I know...? :'''Kim''': ''[holds Jimmy's hand]'' You know what's coming next. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lalo has travelled to Germany using an alias, and meets Margarethe, Werner's widow, at a bar]'' :'''Margarethe''': I knew his work was dangerous. I never imagined such a thing, but... I suppose I try not to. :'''Lalo''': That is terrible. What kind of accident was it? :'''Margarethe''': A cave-in. :'''Lalo''': Cave-in? :'''Margarethe''': He was able to save his men. He got them out, but then... the structure collapsed. :'''Lalo''': So your husband was a hero. :'''Margarethe''': ''[smiles]'' He would never accept that. My Werner was too humble. :'''Lalo''': ...And what were they building there? :'''Margarethe''': My husband didn't talk much about his work. It was very secretive. :'''Lalo''': Oh... I'm sure he must have told you something. :'''Margarethe''': The lawyers came to my house. I asked questions, they wouldn't say much. :'''Lalo''': ''[shakes his head]'' Lawyers. :'''Margarethe''': They went through Werner's things. Took anything that they called, uh... Oh, how do you say it? ''[pause]'' Proprietary? I'm sorry, my English is— :'''Lalo''': Oh, it's excellent. :'''Margarethe''': I didn't care about it. All the boxes of folders, his papers. Why do I need all that stuff? :'''Lalo''': And what about your husband's men? I mean, they must have said something to you. :'''Margarethe''': Werner loved ''deine jungs''—his boys—but I never even met them. :'''Lalo''': What do you mean? Not even at the funeral? :'''Margarethe''': You'd think they would want to pay respect to the man who saved their lives. They sent flowers, keepsakes, and so on... but not one of them showed his face. :'''Lalo''': Wow. That is... ''[sighs]'' It's just not right. === ''[[w:Axe and Grind | Axe and Grind]]'' [6.06] === :''[Casper, one of Werner's former workers, spots Lalo approaching his home while chopping wood]'' :'''Lalo''': ''Guten tag!'' :'''Casper''': ''Guten tag.'' ''[in German]'' This is private property. Who are you looking for? Are you lost? :'''Lalo''': ''[in English]'' Yeah, sorry. I don't speak any German! :'''Casper''': ''[in English]'' Are you lost? :'''Lalo''': It's a beautiful place you have here. The air, it's just so... ''fresh!'' :'''Casper''': ...Do I know you? :'''Lalo''': Well, I don't think we've ''officially'' met- :''[Casper grabs his axe and runs inside a nearby wooden shed while Lalo draws his gun. Lalo searches when he's suddenly dropped by a blow from Casper]'' :'''Casper''': Who are you?! '''''Who are you?!''''' :'''Lalo''': ''[strained]'' Ed-Eduardo... Salamanca! I'm not here for you... This is about Fring. Guh- I want to know... I want to know what he's building. :'''Casper''': How did you find me? :'''Lalo''': Ma- Marga... M-Margarethe Z-Ziegler. :'''Casper''': What have you done to her?! :'''Lalo''': Nothing, nothing. You sent her a gi- a gift. ''[pulls out a business card and shows it to Casper]'' :'''Casper''': ''Was ist das?'' :''[Lalo's hidden a razor blade behind the card. He springs up and cuts Casper's face, then grabs his axe and cuts his foot off]'' :'''Lalo''': ''[cheerfully] Carajo!'' I think you broke one of my ribs! ''[tosses Casper his belt]'' Here. Tie that off... before you bleed to death. ''You and I are gonna have a '''talk.''''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jimmy''': Holy shit! The Jackson Mercer Foundation, that's like... the good housekeeping seal of approval. :'''Kim''': Well, it's not a done deal. Some of the foundation board members are flying in next week to meet the lieutenant governor at a luncheon in Santa Fe, so... they are inviting a select group of people with... Cliff called them, "up-and-coming organizations," and uh... Yeah. Cliff thinks I have a good shot. :'''Jimmy''': A good shot? You have more than a shot! They are gonna love you on sight! :'''Kim''': The only thing is the lunch is on D-Day. :'''Jimmy''': So, what? That's—You don't have to be there on the day! Was Eisenhower on Omaha Beach? No. Kim, this is great, right? It's ''huge!'' :'''Kim''': ...It is pretty great! ''[laughs]'' :'''Jimmy''': Kim, this is fantastic! ''[kisses Kim]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jimmy has Francesca call HHM and pose as a relative of a Sandpiper resident to get details about the upcoming mediation]'' :'''Jimmy''': What is the hold up? :'''Francesca''': I just... I don't know if I'm comfortable. Is this even legal? :'''Jimmy''': I'm sorry, which one of us went to law school? Because I can stand here and go through the ins and outs of what's quote-unquote legal with you, but we're on the clock. :'''Francesca''': I just don't— :'''Jimmy''': Francesca, let's get something straight, okay? We can't be holding a graduate seminar in constitutional law every time I give you something to do. :'''Francesca''': But I—I'm not sure if— :'''Jimmy''': You know what I'm paying you? It is above market. To whom much is given, much is expected! ''[takes out cell phone and starts dialing a number]'' :'''Francesca''': We're not gonna make a habit of this? :'''Jimmy''': Of course not! Absolutely not. No, no, no. ''[gives phone to Francesca]'' Put it on speaker and let me... ''[moves closer]'' :'''HHM Employee #1''': Hamlin Hamlin McGill. :'''Francesca''': Hi... there. I'm calling because my—my mother is... is—Well, I guess she's a—a client of yours. She lives in, uh, Sandpiper Assisted Living. :'''HHM Employee #1''': Sandpiper, of course. Let me transfer you. :'''Jimmy''': ''[to Francesca while she's on hold]'' It's just a phone call. :'''HHM Employee #2''': Good afternoon. Do you have a question about the Sandpiper case? :'''Francesca''': ''[waits for Jimmy to nod]'' Yes. My mother's out of the facility in Amarillo. Says she's supposed to call in to some meeting on Thursday? :'''HHM Employee #2''': Yes, you're talking about the mediation? :'''Francesca''': That's it. The thing is, she's lost her dial-in instructions. ''[sighs nervously]'' I'm just looking everywhere and can't find them. :'''HHM Employee #2''': I'd be happy to help you with that. It's very important to us that all the class members are fully looked in. What's your mother's name? :'''Francesca''': ''[Tells name mouthed by Jimmy]'' Uh, Marnie Stuber. ''[watches Jimmy form the letters as she spells aloud]'' That's–that's S-T-U-B-E-R. ''[sighs nervously again when Jimmy forces her to smile]'' Oh, bless your heart. She'll be so relieved! :'''HHM Employee #2''': Okay, it's very simple. The meeting is happening at our offices. So she just has to call the main line—the same number you called just now—press 7, and then enter the passcode. I can give that to you now. Do you have a pen? :'''Francesca''': Uh... ''[Jimmy quickly takes out a pen]'' Y–yeah, I'm ready. :'''HHM Employee #2''': Okay. It's 8-4-2-1-5-9. ''[Jimmy writes the numbers on his hand]'' :'''Francesca''': 8-4-2-1-5-9? :'''HHM Employee #2''': That's right. :'''Francesca''': Okay! Uh, thank you so much. Really appreciate it. :'''HHM Employee #2''': Of course, take care. :'''Jimmy''': ''[hangs up immediately]'' Was that so hard? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jimmy sees the real Rand Casimiro at a liquor store wearing a cast that was not shown in the fake photos he shot earlier. He bolts out of there and gets in his car before being seen by the judge.]'' :'''Jimmy''': FUCK! ''[bangs on steering wheel and chuckles nervously before dialing Kim on his cell phone]'' :''[Cut to Kim driving on the highway to Santa Fe.]'' :'''Kim''': "Ultimately, it's about equal justice, a system that works for everyone. A justice system that works for everyone, and what is more important than that?" ''[hears phone ringing and answers it]'' Hey, Jimmy. :'''Jimmy''': Flag on the play! You're not gonna believe this, but I just ran into Casimiro—the real one. :'''Kim''': Oh, God. :'''Jimmy''': Yeah, and before you ask, he didn't shave his mustache. ''He broke his arm.'' :'''Kim''': Are you serious? :'''Jimmy''': The guy has a giant cast on his left arm! And I checked all the pictures and you can see his arm in every single one of them! No cast, clear as day! :'''Kim''': Shit! SHIT! :'''Jimmy''': I KNOW! I '''KNOW!''' Uh... But, hey. Hey, hey, look at it this way: If I hadn't seen him... I mean, that would've really—that really could've sunk us. Right? So, we're gonna pull the plug and we are going to live to fight another day. :'''Kim''': ...What other day? :'''Jimmy''': Well, we'll figure it out. I promise, okay? So, just go. Just do your thing in Santa Fe, and we'll regroup when you get home tonight. ''[beat; Kim says nothing]'' Kim? Kim, you still there? :'''Kim''': Yes. :'''Jimmy''': Did you hear what I said? :'''Kim''': ''[pause]'' It happens today. :''[Kim quickly turns around and starts driving back to Albuquerque.]'' === ''[[w:Plan and Execution | Plan and Execution]]'' [6.07] === :''[An intern at HHM, Cary, drops soda cans when he sees Howard setting up the conference room for the Sandpiper mediation]'' :'''Cary''': Uh, excuse me, Mr. Hamlin! I-I was told I should restock the fridge before the meeting. :'''Howard''': No worries. Here, let me give you a hand. :'''Cary''': Thank you! :'''Howard''': Uh, you're... Gary? :'''Cary''': Cary! Anderson. :'''Howard''': Mm... of course. Cary. ''[sees Cary stocking the fridge with the dropped cans]'' Cary, what happens when you drop or shake a can of soda? :'''Cary''': ...Right. ''[mimes explosion]'' I'm sorry, I'm, uh... :'''Howard''': Here, let me show you a little trick. ''[picks up and spins a soda can]'' Something about the centrifugal force pulls the bubbles from the inside of the can, stops it from exploding. Don't want our clients to get a surprise now, do we? :'''Cary''': That works? :''[Howard opens the can without incident and takes a sip]'' :'''Cary''': Alright! :'''Howard''': You know who taught me that trick? ''[points at the picture of Chuck in the conference room]'' He used to do it. Had a habit - anytime he opened a can, almost unconsciously. I asked him about it once... just his way of being prepared for anything, accidental or otherwise. :'''Cary''': Um, I'm sorry, I'm... kinda new here. I- I have to ask, who is that? :'''Howard''': Charles McGill. The "M" in HHM. Greatest legal mind I ever knew. :'''Cary''': Wow! I hope someone says that about me someday. :'''Howard''': Well... maybe there are more important things. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Howard, Cliff, and the rest of the parties in the Sandpiper mediation are in the HHM conference room; Rand Casimiro is seated at the head of the table; Jimmy and Kim listen in on the meeting through a disposable cell phone in Saul Goodman's office]'' :'''Rand Casimiro:''' Hello. I know we're all anxious to get things started but you'll have to suffer through my traditional spiel, unfortunately. My name is Rand Casimiro, and I am your mediator for these proceedings. Now, I'm happy to be here. But at the end, hopefully all of you in the room and those listening from various locations ''won't'' be happy with me. And why do I say that? Because the best solutions mean compromise. It's compromise from both sides. That's my goal. But as my wife always says, compromising doesn't mean I'm right and she's wrong. ''[chuckles]'' So, let us move forward— :'''Howard:''' ''Hmph.'' :''[Everyone in the conference room turns to Howard]'' :'''Cliff:''' ...Howard? :'''Howard:''' I-I'm... Wow. ''[pause]'' I'm... I'm sorry. I don't think we can proceed with these negotiations today. :'''Rich:''' Why not? :'''Howard:''' Well, let's just say, circumstances beyond any of our control. :'''Rich:''' Well, I'm going to have to insist that you be more specific. :'''Howard:''' Well, our mediator here keeps using the word "compromise" when ''he'', in fact, is compromised. :'''Casimiro:''' I beg your pardon? :'''Howard:''' I think you heard me. :'''Cliff:''' Howard...? :'''Howard:''' You drive a silver Miata, correct? :'''Casimiro:''' I do. :'''Howard:''' And this morning, around 7 a.m., you walked across Trumbull Park in town? :'''Casimiro:''' No. :'''Howard:''' You didn't stop at the park this morning? :'''Casimiro:''' I didn't. I got to Albuquerque early, not at 7 a.m. And I didn't go to a park. :'''Howard:''' You sure? :'''Cliff:''' Howard, if the judge says he's sure, then I&ndash; :'''Casimiro:''' Of course I'm sure! If it matters, I arrived in town about ten, I stopped at a gas station, I went by a liquor store and bought a gift. I had a lunch salad and a very nice latté from the Flying Star on Menaul. I read ''[[w:Barron's_(newspaper)|Barron's]]''. Then came here. :'''Howard:''' ''Mmmm''. So you weren't in town to visit our mutual acquaintance, James Morgan McGill? Or maybe you know him as "Saul Goodman". :'''Casimiro:''' I don't know anyone by either of those names. :'''Howard:''' Okay. You want to go that way? ''[to his secretary]'' Julie, go to my desk, please. There's an envelope with photos. Bring it to me quickly. :'''Julie:''' Oh. Okay. ''[leaves]'' :'''Cliff:''' Howard, can we have a sidebar&ndash;? :'''Casimiro:''' I'm sorry. These photos &ndash; these are photos of me? :'''Howard:''' They show exactly what I'm describing. :'''Casimiro:''' You were following me? :'''Howard:''' I had a private investigator following Jimmy McGill. You were photographed receiving what I estimate to be a $20,000 payoff this morning in the park. :'''Rich:''' I-I'm sorry. I'm sorry. This is just&ndash; ''[sighs; to Howard]'' You recommended this judge as a mediator and we agreed. And now... ''Jimmy?'' Jimmy McGill &ndash; who originated this suit &ndash; is ''what?'' :'''Howard:''' A-admittedly, it all sounds a bit baroque. But when you see the photos, things will be clearer. :'''Casimiro:''' Well, I'm looking forward to that. :''[long pause; Julie enters the room with the envelope]'' :'''Julie:''' I have the pictures, Mr. Hamlin. :'''Howard:''' Thank you, Julie. ''[opens the envelope]'' And now, take a look. :''[Howard looks at the photos with Cliff, Schweikart, Casimiro, Irene and Julie looking behind him. Instead of an actor dressed as Casimiro as he had seen earlier, the photos show Jimmy sitting at a park bench exchanging a frisbee with the Sound Guy, dressed as a jogger]'' :'''Casimiro:''' ...Is that supposed to be ''me''? :'''Howard:''' I, uh... This is... This is not... Julie, you got the wrong envelope. :'''Julie:''' That was the only one on your desk. :'''Howard:''' Look again! :''[Julie leaves]'' :'''Howard:''' They-they've been switched. Somehow he switched them. :'''Cliff:''' Howard... :'''Howard:''' No. Jimmy &ndash; he snuck in somehow, and these are not the pictures I saw. :''[Howard turns to Erin, who notices that his pupils are now dilated]'' :'''Erin:''' Mr. Hamlin, are you all right? Your eyes... :'''Howard:''' ''[agitated]'' I am fine! This is all something that will be sorted out, I am confident! :''[Cliff rises and guides Howard out of his seat]'' :'''Cliff:''' I think a recess is in order. :'''Howard:''' Nobody move! Evidence has been tampered with! :'''Cliff:''' Now Howard, please! :''[Howard and Cliff leave the conference room. Everyone left behind is stunned silent]'' :'''Irene:''' ...Is this how these usually go? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cliff confronts Howard in his office after the fiasco in the conference room]'' :'''Howard:''' Cliff? Is that you? I'm not crazy, and I'm not on drugs. Please, come in. Now somehow, some way, that son of a bitch gave me something that dilated my pupils. I-I don't know what. But it's wearing off already, look. ''[gestures toward his eyes]'' :'''Cliff:''' You say that Jimmy McGill drugged you? How is that possible? :'''Howard:''' The-the photos. They were wet with... ''something''. :'''Cliff:''' The missing photos. :'''Howard:''' Yeah. My P.I., Genidowski, had to have been in on it. He-he must have shown me one set of photos and then switched them after I left the office. :'''Cliff:''' Howard... :'''Howard:''' Three weeks ago, Julie got a call from our detective agency. They wanted to update their contact info, so of course she changed the number in the system. But it turns out, it wasn't them. That was Jimmy. So when I needed an investigator to follow Jimmy, I called his fake number and his fake man. She just dialed the old number and, of course, got the actual agency. And, no surprise, no one by the name of Genidowski had ever worked there. I hired a con man. I got played. Every step of the way. I know what it sounds like, but you have to believe me. :'''Cliff:''' I... It doesn't matter. Rich went back to the previous offer. I'll give a recommend to the class that we take it. :'''Howard:''' No. No way. We do not let Jimmy win this. :'''Cliff:''' Why would Jimmy even do this? He's a profit participant! This means less money for him! :'''Howard:''' Because he's a child! He wants his money now! He begged me months ago to settle! You know what he does! :'''Cliff:''' Whatever the truth is, we'll never get back to where we were before mediation. We have to settle. :'''Howard:''' I'm lead attorney. And I won't sanction that decision. :'''Cliff:''' Then I'm obligated to go to the partners and explain everything I've seen &ndash; all of it. You think you're gonna be able to convince them it was all Jimmy McGill? :'''Howard:''' ...Okay then. We go to trial. Cliff, this case is incredibly strong. I put this thing in front of a jury, then everything will&ndash; :'''Cliff:''' I'm not thinking about you, Howard. I'm not thinking about Jimmy. I'm thinking about the time, the expense, the uncertainty. I'm thinking about our clients! :''[Howard bows his head in defeat.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lalo records a video message for Eladio while he's hiding in the sewers surveilling Gus' laundromat. The dialogue switches between Spanish and English.]'' :'''Lalo''': Don Eladio. Guess who? It's Lalo, I'm alive! ''[chuckles]'' I'm here in beautiful downtown Albuquerque. ''[pans the camera around his belongings]'' Been here... four nights? Now, you may be asking, "What am I doing down in this shithole?" Well, [[w:Axe and Grind|a little Croatian bird told me a secret]]. Eh, he put up a hell of a fight, but he told me. Look. ''[points the camera at his target, Lavanderia Brilliante]'' See that? Right there... Fring's secret. Now, I've been watching and Fring hides his guards very well, but they're there, dressed like laundry workers. ''[zooms in on one "worker"]'' See? That's one there. They're hiding guns under the uniforms, but I see. I have a pretty good idea of what I'm up against. ''[points the camera back at himself]'' I can tell you what's in there. A big hole where a German engineer, Werner Ziegler, designed the perfect place to hide the... ''[in English]'' "mother of all meth labs." ''[in Spanish]'' Well, that's my story. And Fring? Fring will have his story, a good one, and Bolsa will back him because he's an... ''[in English]'' "earner." ''[in Spanish]'' So tonight, I go in... kill all the guards and show you the proof. And then? You decide... ''Adios.'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jimmy and Kim are watching a movie in Kim's apartment when they hear a knock at the door. It's revealed to be Howard, disheveled and holding a bottle of Macallan scotch whisky.]'' :'''Howard:''' Can I come in? :'''Jimmy:''' Yeah. Come on. :'''Howard:''' Kim. :'''Kim:''' Howard. You doing okay? :'''Howard:''' I'm fine. Sorry to interrupt this, but I brought you a gift. :'''Jimmy:''' A gift? What's the occasion? :'''Howard:''' Your brother and I, we always had a meeting with Mr. Macallan after a big victory. Usually some brilliant summation by Chuck, that goes without saying. So this, this is for you. You earned it. You won. :'''Jimmy:''' Won? Uh, what did I win? :'''Howard:''' ''[pause]'' I get it. Of course you both have to play it this way. You're both so very good at it. :'''Kim:''' It's late, Howard. Do you want to tell us what this is about? :'''Howard:''' I was wondering that too. ''[walks to the kitchen]'' What it's all about. I mean, what do you tell yourselves? What justification makes it okay? "Howard's such an asshole that he deserves it?" ''[offers two glasses to Jimmy and Kim]'' :'''Jimmy:''' We're good. :'''Howard:''' So, what is it? I sided with Chuck too often? ''[points to Kim]'' I took away your office, put you in doc review? All of the above? Howard's daddy helped him get to the top, but you both had to struggle. "Howie has so much and we have so little, let's take him down a peg or two." What allows you to do this to me? Because this isn't just a prank. No. This goes beyond [[w:Namaste (Better Call Saul)|throwing bowling balls on my car]]. This took planning, coordination. I mean, how many weeks? Or-or-or was it months? It couldn't have been easy. So tell me, why? Why go through this elaborate plot just to burn me to the ground? :'''Jimmy:''' "Burn you to the ground?" Howard, come on. Y-you'll be fine. You always land on your feet. :'''Howard:''' Yeah, sure. The Sandpiper settlement—HHM's share will be substantial, absolutely. Even though I humiliated myself. And my clients and peers will whisper that Howard Hamlin's a drug addict. You're right. I've worked my way through worse. Debt. Depression. My marriage falling apart. :''[Jimmy blinks in surprise. He and Kim exchange looks]'' :'''Howard:''' Oh, yeah. Been sleeping in the guest house for the better part of a year. Just one more thing that good ol' Howard has to work through. But yes, I will land on my feet. I will be okay. But you? Far from it. You two... you two are soulless. Jimmy, you can't help yourself. Chuck knew it. You were ''born'' that way. ''[to Kim]'' But you—one of the smartest and most promising human beings I've ever known, and ''this'' is the life you choose. :'''Jimmy:''' Alright, you're too tight to drive, I'm calling a cab— :'''Howard:''' Oh good, phony compassion. And you know what? Very, very believable. But I'm far from done. :'''Kim:''' Oh no no no. You are done, Howard. Sorry, but you need to stop this now and you need to go home. :'''Howard:''' You're perfect for each other. You have a piece missing. I-I-I thought you did it for the money, but it-it—Now it's so clear. Screw the money, you did it for fun! You get off on it! You're like [[w:Leopold and Loeb|Leopold and Loeb]], two sociopaths— :'''Jimmy:''' Alright, that's enough. :'''Howard:''' Oh, you know it's true, you just don't have the guts to admit it. :'''Kim:''' Great. Now you need to go. :'''Howard:''' I'm gonna make it clear to everyone, because I'm going to dedicate my life to making sure that everybody knows the truth. Believe it. You can't hide who you really are forever. :''[Jimmy reflexively shields Kim as Lalo Salamanca enters the room; Jimmy is stunned]'' :'''Jimmy:''' How... :''[Howard turns around and see Lalo, who non-chalantly stands next to him]'' :'''Kim:''' H-Howard... Howard. Howard, you need to leave. :'''Howard:''' ''[to Lalo]'' Who are you? :'''Lalo:''' Me? Nobody. I just need to talk to my lawyers. :'''Howard:''' ''[scoffs]'' Oh, is that right? You want some advice? Find better lawyers. :'''Kim:''' Howard, please j-just... just... just turn around— :'''Lalo:''' No, no, no, no, no. Take your time. :'''Howard:''' ''[to Kim]'' What's this about? :''[Lalo calmly takes a pistol out of his pocket and screws a silencer onto the muzzle]'' :'''Kim:''' ''[to Lalo]'' Please... please, just tell us what you want. :'''Lalo:''' ''[shrugs]'' Like I said. To talk. :'''Howard:''' I, uh... I think I'm in the middle of something, uh... There's really no need to— :''[Lalo puts the gun to Howard's head and pulls the trigger; Howard falls onto the floor, killed instantly. Jimmy and Kim scream.]'' :'''Kim:''' ''Oh my God!'' :'''Jimmy:''' ''Please, no!'' :'''Kim:''' ''Oh my God!'' :'''Jimmy:''' ''No! No!'' :'''Lalo:''' ''[holds out his hand to quiet them down]'' ''Shhhh, shhhh, shhhh, shhhh, shhhh.'' Okay. Let's talk. === ''[[w:Point and Shoot (Better Call Saul) | Point and Shoot]]'' [6.08] === :''[Jimmy and Kim are cowering in terror when Lalo forces them to sit on their couch]'' :'''Jimmy''': I never turned on you. I didn't. I only worked for you in the desert. I was on your side the whole time. :'''Lalo''': Shhh. ''[motions for Jimmy to sit down with his gun]'' I don't care. You two... ''[chuckles; shakes his head]'' God, you two and your mouths! ''Dios mío!'' Now, ''you listen.'' ''[tosses car keys to Jimmy]'' My car's downstairs. Press the clicker, and you'll find it. This... ''[holds up small piece of paper]'' is where you are going. Don't speed, don't weave, don't cut anyone off. Just, you know, drive nice. From here, ''[checks watch]'' at this hour... I'd take 40 east, get off at Carlisle, take the third left. The rest I drew a little map for you on the back. It's not hard. So... big white brick house with a solid black door. You can't miss it. It's right at the end of the T. Park a little down the street and not up front. It's a quiet neighborhood, so you'll have plenty of options. Stating the obvious here maybe, but... turn the car off, right? So, in the glove compartment, I left you a present. There's a camera and there's a gun. And you're gonna need both. :'''Jimmy''': A gun? :'''Lalo''': Yeah, yeah, yeah. But don't worry. I mean, it's–it's easy. It's a revolver. It's already loaded, no safety—it's idiot proof. So, you go up to that house, you walk right up to that black door. Don't run. Just be casual like a stroll, you know? Keep the gun somewhere behind you where they can't see it. You ring the bell, you count to three, you step back. They look through the peephole, you're as innocent as can be. Door opens, you point... and you shoot. And you keep on pulling that trigger until it's empty. ''[pause]'' Simple. :'''Jimmy''': You–you want me to—?! :'''Lalo''': I know, I know. ''[casually nudges Howard's dead body with his foot]'' You're a lawyer, and you're not a killer. But look, you can do this, okay? This guy, he's a housecat! Black, medium height, short hair, glasses! He kinda looks like a librarian... but don't be fooled. Even a housecat can scratch. So, that's it. Hard part's over. Now, you pull out the camera. Same principle as the gun: Point and shoot. Take a picture. One where I can see the face ''clearly''... and then you bring it back here where, me and Mrs. Goodman will be waiting for you. And then you're done! I'd say it's about a twenty minute drive over there... ''[Jimmy looks nervously at Kim]'' twenty minutes back. Maybe ten minutes to do the job. Let's go with an hour altogether. So, you're back here in an hour, or— :''[Jimmy forcibly turns on the Saul Goodman charm]'' :'''Jimmy''': Send her. :'''Kim''': ...What?! :'''Jimmy''': She should do it. :'''Kim''': Jimmy... :'''Lalo''': ''[pause]'' Why her? :'''Kim''': ''[whispers to Jimmy]'' Don't do this. :'''Jimmy''': This guy, the–the housecat. :'''Kim''': Jimmy, please. :'''Jimmy''': He looks through his peephole... :'''Kim''': ''Please.'' :'''Jimmy''': ...in the middle of the night, and he sees me? "Who's this asshole? What's he doing?" Maybe–maybe he gets ''his'' gun, maybe he calls the cops. Either way, that door stays shut. But he sees a woman... :'''Kim''': No. :'''Jimmy''': ...she looks like she's in distress. Maybe her car broke down. ''[chuckles]'' I mean, you'd open the door for her, wouldn't you? :'''Kim''': Stop! Stop! :'''Lalo''': Yeah, but... she's really clever. I don't know if she's gonna stick to the plan. :'''Jimmy''': She will. :'''Kim''': No, no, no. :'''Jimmy''': No cops. You know she will. :'''Kim''': No. No, this... This doesn't even make any sense! I–I–I've never shot a gun before! I've never even held one! :'''Jimmy''': Like I have. :'''Kim''': Jimmy, what are you doing?! :'''Jimmy''': ''[to Lalo while pointing at Kim]'' You know she's the best choice. :'''Kim''': No, I'm not! I don't—I can't! I can't do it! :'''Jimmy''': ''[to Lalo]'' She can do it. You know she can do it! :'''Kim''': No! Jimmy, I'll stay! Stop! Just stop! :'''Jimmy''': You know I'm right! Listen! :'''Kim''': Stop it! Shut up! :'''Jimmy''': Listen! :'''Kim''': SHUT UP! :'''Lalo''': ''[rolls his eyes]'' Oh, my God! Okay, fine! Yeah, heard! Whatever. Give her the keys, give her the address, let's go. ''[walks toward the front door]'' :'''Kim''': ''[to Jimmy]'' No. Don't... Don't. :'''Jimmy''': You... you gotta go. :'''Kim''': ''[softly]'' Don't do this. :'''Jimmy''': Come on. Hey... ''[whispering]'' Let's go. :''[Kim reluctantly gets up and is about to leave the apartment when Lalo stops her]'' :'''Lalo''': Hold on. ''[pause; Kim looks at him]'' You're gonna need your shoes, right? :''[Kim stares at Jimmy while she puts her shoes on]'' :'''Lalo''': There you go! Okay, ''[looks at watch]'' so one hour starting... now. Clock's ticking, Mrs. Goodman. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lalo ties Jimmy to a chair while interrogating him about the assassination attempt at his hacienda]'' :'''Lalo''': You know, after I saw you last, I went home. My home. ''Mi cielito lindo''... And you know what happened? Men came. Armed men, in the middle of the night. To my home. Trying to get to me. And you know what they did? They killed people I care about. They killed my cook. My gardener. A seventeen-year-old kid I knew since he was knee-high, never hurt a fly. Butchered my housekeeper, Yolanda. ''Una viejita, cabrón.'' They shot her in the back. :'''Jimmy''': ...I'm sorry. :'''Lalo''': Now, how did these men... get into my home? Do you know? :'''Jimmy''': I... I have–I have no idea. :'''Lalo''': Ignacio Varga. ''He'' let them in. And who did Ignacio introduce me to? ''[taps Jimmy's head]'' You. :'''Jimmy''': Ignacio... Nacho? ''[brief pause]'' Whoa, whoa, whoa! I–I barely know Ignacio! Whatever he did, he did alone! Not with me! Listen, you gotta believe me! Hand to God, I had no part in this—it wasn't me! ''It was '''Igna—''''' :''[Lalo sneaks up from behind and gags Jimmy with a rolled-up shirt]'' :'''Jimmy''': ''[through the gag]'' Ignacio! It's not me! Listen, listen! I–I don't know about... :'''Lalo''': Save it. ''[looks Jimmy in the eyes]'' I'm gonna come back. And then you... are gonna tell me ''the whole story.'' :''[Lalo presses play on the movie Jimmy and Kim were watching earlier and turns up the volume. He picks up Jimmy's car keys by the front door.]'' :'''Lalo''': Ford Taurus... taupe? ''[rolls eyes and shakes his head before leaving the apartment]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mike disarms Kim and forces her inside Gus' house before she can shoot. Gus watches Mike question her through surveillance monitors at his neighbors' residence.]'' :'''Kim''': What are you doing?! I–I have to go! I have to—No, wait! :'''Mike''': Ms. Wexler, I'd like you to sit down. :'''Kim''': He'll–He'll kill him! You have to... You— :'''Mike''': Now, sit there and be calm! :'''Kim''': No, I have to get back! ''I have to get back!'' :'''Mike''': ''[restrains Kim and forces her back down]'' Sit ''still''... and stay calm. Now, if you take a deep breath—a ''deep'' breath—nothing's gonna happen here until you calm yourself. Alright? Now, who is killing who? :'''Kim''': Lalo Salamanca! Lalo is going to kill Jimmy! ''[Mike looks shocked]'' He's there! He–he is there with Jimmy now! :'''Mike''': Salamanca is at your apartment?! :'''Kim''': Yes! He sent ''me!'' He–he wanted to send Jimmy, but then he sent me. :'''Mike''': To do what exactly?! ''[pause; Kim hyperventilates]'' Ms. Wexler, you stay with me! What were you supposed to do here? :'''Kim''': ''[beat; points at a man who looks identical to Gus]'' Shoot him. I'm–I'm supposed to shoot him, and then take a photo, and then get back. That's it. I only have twenty minutes left! Please! ''[Mike quickly looks and nods at one of his guys]'' He is ''alone'' with him! :'''Mike''': Alright, stay put. We'll handle this. We ''will'' handle this. ''[to Victor]'' You call Tyrus. Get him to the condo ''now.'' :'''Kim''': You said you were watching us! WHERE WERE YOU?! HUH?! ''[Mike leaves]'' '''WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?!''' :''[Kim tries to get up, but Victor stands in her way and forces her to sit down again]'' :'''Victor''': You heard what the man said. :''[Mike walks through the corridor connecting the two homes and reports to Gus.]'' :'''Mike''': You heard all that? ''[Gus nods]'' Alright. You hunker down here. ''[to two bodyguards]'' You two, you stay with him. A dog barks too loud, you are on the phone with me. ''[to Arthur and Tyrus]'' You two, come with me. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After growing restless over Lalo's whereabouts, Gus calls Victor and asks him to speak to Kim about Lalo]'' :'''Gus''': Why did Lalo send you? :'''Kim''': Who is this? :'''Victor''': Answer him. ''[points behind him]'' :'''Kim''': ''[pause]'' He didn't want to send me. Not at first. He wanted to send my husband... but my husband talked him out of it because he wanted to get me out of there. :'''Gus''': He... talked Lalo out of it? :'''Kim''': That's right. ''[pause]'' Now that I've told you everything I know, please tell me. Tell me who— :''[Gus hangs up the phone and looks at his bodyguards]'' :'''Gus''': Come with me. Both of you. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lalo records another video message for Don Eladio while holding Gus at gunpoint at the laundromat. The dialogue is in Spanish.]'' :'''Lalo:''' Don Eladio, look who we have here. The one and only Gustavo Fring. ''[chuckles]'' And wearing body armor! Too bad they don't make armor for your head, eh? Now we're gonna take a little walk and show you around. ''Vamanos''. ''[clicks tongue]'' Don, I would've liked it if we didn't have to rush this so much. We could sit by your pool... strip this snake's skin off, inch by inch. Take our time, have some fun. But he shows up now... who am I to look a gift horse in the mouth? :''[Gus stops in front of a large washing machine.]'' :'''Lalo:''' A big machine hides a big secret. We have about... thirteen minutes until his bald ''gringo'' gets here with the cavalry, so Gustavo is going to have to give us the nickel tour. ''[beat; shoots Gus in the chest]'' Like I was saying, Gustavo is going to show us around. :''[Gus walks around and pushes a button, which opens the secret passage to the underground meth lab]'' :'''Lalo:''' ''Ha!'' Magnificent! I had a bathtub that did this, but... credit where credit is due, this is better. ''[laughs]'' ''Hijo de puta''. :''[Gus leads Lalo down a ladder and turns on the lights]'' :'''Lalo:''' ''[chuckles; in English]'' Okay. Drumroll, please. ''D-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r''... Ta-da! ''[laughs]'' ''Cadenza de wow'', no? ''[in Spanish]'' Don Eladio, I've heard some stories about this place. It took a bunch of German engineers ten months to build all of this. They used two hundred pounds of high explosive. Dug out 120,000 cubic meters of dirt and rock. And all... without disturbing the laundry up there. In the middle of a city with a million people! That's pretty badass, right? :''[Gus trips and falls to the ground when Lalo pushes his pistol against his back]'' :'''Lalo''': One moment, Don. ''[puts the camcorder between his teeth as he switches the magazines of his pistol]'' Think of the laboratory you could put here, Don Eladio. ''Eh?'' How much meth you could make... that was his plan. Cut you out to become boss. And now here we are, in this big hole! ''[cackles]'' Gustavo thought he was building an empire, but all he built himself was a tomb. :'''Gus:''' You can't kill me. :'''Lalo:''' Why not? :'''Gus:''' I haven't told that fat pig Eladio what I think of him yet. :'''Lalo:''' ''Hoo-hoo!'' Perfect! You've got one minute. :'''Gus:''' Eladio... you greasy, bloated pimp. You talk of honor. But you have none. A pack of stray dogs fighting for scraps has more honor. Jackals. That's all you are! No vision. No patience. No thought. Stupid and impulsive! That is how I did all this. You couldn't see it, couldn't even conceive of it. And you Salamancas... you're the worst vermin of all. You say you believe in "blood for blood" but you only understand blood for money! You're whores! ''[in English]'' I understand blood for blood. Hector? Yeah, I kept him alive. Kept him broken. I will save him to the last. Before he dies, he will know... '''''I''' buried every one of you.'' :'''Lalo:''' ''[sniggers]'' Big talk. You done? :'''Gus:''' No. Not yet. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jimmy:''' Lalo said he was coming back. :'''Mike:''' He's not coming. :'''Jimmy:''' No, he said he was, he told me— :'''Mike:''' You understand me? He is ''not coming back.'' Let's sit. ''[pause; Jimmy and Kim remain standing]'' '''''SIT.''''' :''[Jimmy and Kim sit at the foot of their bed; Mike stands in front of them.]'' :'''Mike:''' Alright. Here's what's gonna happen: In a few days, Howard Hamlin's car will be found several states away by the water. The odometer will have rolled to the exact number of miles it took to get there. There will be cocaine in the upholstery. That was the story you were setting up for this guy, yeah? They'll call it a suicide, hoping the body will come washing up. It never will. At some point, you're gonna hear about it. Someone calls you, someone at the courthouse mentions it—the moment that happens—you call the cops. His car was here for hours last night. Good chance somebody noticed it. That means you are the last people to see him alive. Cops are gonna want to hear from you. You tell the cops you saw him—he came here, seemed like maybe he was chemically altered, didn't make a lick of sense. Then he left, that's all you know. You keep telling the lie you've been telling. Now, Ms. Wexler tells me she has court at ten. What's on your docket? ''[Jimmy doesn't answer]'' Hey. ''Listen.'' Where do you need to be? :'''Jimmy:''' Uh, office. At my office. Clients start showing up around 9:30. ''Oh'', my car is gone. :'''Mike:''' No. It's on the way home, you'll have it when you need it. So you two are going to go about your day—normal, same as ever. Today, you're Meryl Streep and Laurence Olivier. No staring into space, nothing out of the ordinary, you ''cover.'' Anybody talks to you, it's just another day that ends in Y, that's all. When you get home, we'll be gone and everything will be back the way it was. Now, I need to impress upon you: none of this ever happened. None of it. Understand? Say it out loud, I need to hear it. :'''Jimmy:''' ...I understand. :'''Kim:''' ...It never happened. === ''[[w:Fun and Games (Better Call Saul) | Fun and Games]]'' [6.09] === :'''Jimmy''': One day, we'll... We'll wake up, and brush our teeth, and we'll go to work. And at some point, we'll suddenly realize... [[w:Bad Choice Road | that we hadn't thought about it at all. None of it]]. ''[pause]'' And that's when we'll know. We'll know we can forget. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Gus meets with Don Eladio, Juan Bolsa, and the Salamancas late at night. The dialogue is in Spanish.]'' :'''Eladio''': Don Hector has made a very serious accusation. :''[One of the Cousins hands a letter to Don Juan]'' :'''Bolsa''': These are Don Hector's words. Dictated to Leonel and Marco, letter by letter. "The assault on my nephew's hacienda failed. Lalo fought the assassins and won. The day after the attack, Lalo called me. I heard the truth from his own lips. It was Fring who sent the mercenaries, not the Peruvians. We kept Lalo's survival a secret. My nephew was about to take his revenge on the traitor, face-to-face. Instead, he disappeared. It is the Chicken Man's doing. Don Eladio, look into Fring's eyes. There you will see the truth. The Chicken Man hates you. He is our enemy. He plots against us. I demand blood for blood." :''[Bolsa folds the letter and sits back down]'' :'''Eladio''': Well, Gustavo? :'''Gus''': ''[pause]'' I have no response. :'''Bolsa''': Gustavo, you must speak. Have you no defense? :'''Gus''': With all due respect, I don't believe this merits a response. :'''Eladio''': Did you witness these phone calls from Lalo? ''[Leonel and Marco shake their heads]'' I was told you saw Lalo's body. :'''Leonel''': Yes. :'''Marco''': It was burned. :'''Eladio''': Didn't the ''federales'' check the teeth? :'''Bolsa''': Yes, Don Eladio. My brother tells me the dental records matched. :'''Eladio''': And that rat, Varga... What did he say before he died? :'''Bolsa''': He said he was in the pay of the Peruvians, Los Odios. We know he took their money, we found bank statements. :'''Eladio''': ''[beat; looks at his watch]'' Well... It's late. Don Hector... Since you've come a long way, tonight you sleep in my bed. ''[Hector angrily rings his bell repeatedly in protest]'' No, I insist. No arguing. I'm giving you my room. Very comfortable. And who knows? Maybe a couple of the girls will come to visit! ''[pause; Hector continues ringing his bell]'' Please. ''[Leonel and Marco carry Hector by his wheelchair and leave]'' Good night, Hector. Sleep well. ''[to Gus]'' I'd invite you to stay as well, Gustavo, but... I don't want my breakfast ruined by all the... ''[mocks Hector ringing his bell and laughs]'' Ay-yay-yay. ''[beat]'' The peace must be kept. What do you suggest? :'''Gus''': I wouldn't presume. :'''Eladio''': The South Valley will stay Salamanca territory. And the rest of the North, that'll be for you to manage. Working under Bolsa. :'''Bolsa''': Thank you, Don Eladio. :'''Gus''': ''[rises with Eladio out of his chair]'' Thank you. Your trust means everything, Don Eladio. :'''Eladio''': ''Bueno.'' Gustavo... ''[long pause]'' When I looked into your eyes... Hate. A little bit's okay. As long as you never forget who's boss. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mike meets with Nacho's father outside his shop to let him know about Nacho's fate]'' :'''Manuel''': Who are you? :'''Mike''': It's not important. :'''Manuel''': I saw you here before. [[w:Cobbler (Better Call Saul)|Chrysler Fifth Avenue]]. What about my son? :'''Mike''': I'm sorry, he won't be found. ''[pause]'' It was over fast. No pain. :'''Manuel''': You were there? :'''Mike''': I was there. Your son made some mistakes, he fell in with bad people... but he was never like them. Not really. He had a good heart. One more thing: you won't have to worry about the Salamancas. Their day is coming. There'll be justice. :'''Manuel''': Justice? :'''Mike''': I'm sorry, my Spanish - j-''justicia.'' Justice. :'''Manuel''': ''[sighs]'' What you talk about... is not justice. What you talk of is... ''revenge.'' It never ends... my boy is gone. ''[scoffs, speaks in Spanish]'' You gangsters and your "justice." You're all the same. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jimmy and Kim approach Cliff and Howard's widow, Cheryl, at a memorial reception in the offices of HHM.]'' :'''Kim:''' Cliff. :'''Cliff:''' Kim, Jimmy. :'''Cheryl:''' Kim, hi. :''[Jimmy extends his hand to Cheryl; she doesn't take it]'' :'''Jimmy:''' Hi, Cheryl. I'm Jimmy McGill. You may not remember me. I'm Chuck McGill's brother. :'''Cheryl:''' Of course. :'''Jimmy:''' Very sorry for your loss. ''[sighs]'' :'''Kim:''' Cheryl, I'm so sorry. I can't even imagine what you must be going through. If Jimmy and I can do anything for you or your family, please just say the word. :''[Jimmy and Kim are about to walk away]'' :'''Cheryl:''' There is something, actually. You two were the last ones to see him, weren't you? :'''Kim:''' Um... :'''Jimmy:''' I guess so. Uh, that's what the police said. :'''Cheryl:''' Howard told me that you were harassing him, playing elaborate pranks of some sort. That you wouldn't leave him alone. :'''Jimmy:''' I know he thought that. He—he—he told me as well. Um, I think he honestly believed it. :'''Cheryl:''' But you're denying it. :'''Jimmy:''' ''[pauses]'' You know what, I didn't leave here under the best terms. The past few years, I could have been more considerate to Howard instead of yitzing him every chance I got. I guess, uh, there was a certain amount of jealousy on my part because Howard had the, uh, respect of my brother. Which I never did. ''[Jimmy steps away]'' :'''Cheryl:''' Tell me what you told the police. :'''Jimmy:''' ''[pauses]'' Okay, um... Well, I mean, it was 11pm. Howard started pounding on our door. He was very upset, going on about something, um, he thought was my fault, uh... Guess it had to do with the Sandpiper case. But I—I couldn't make head or tail out of it. We tried to calm him down. But... he just—he just wouldn't, um... Finally, he left. That's—that's it. :'''Cheryl:''' I'm not oblivious. I know people are saying he was on drugs. Is that what you're trying to tell me? :'''Jimmy:''' I just... He just didn't seem like himself. :'''Cheryl:''' ''[to Cliff]'' Are you hearing all of this? Because none of it makes sense to me. :'''Cliff:''' Cheryl, maybe we should just— :'''Cheryl:''' I don't care what people are saying. I don't care what the police think. Howard was not on drugs. That simply is not true. There's something more to this. :'''Kim:''' I don't know if it's my place, but... I—I... :'''Cheryl:''' Please. Just spit it out. ''[sharply inhales]'' :'''Kim:''' ''[sighs]'' It was about a year-and-a-half ago. I was still an associate here, working late on a brief. And I saw a light on in Howard's office. I assumed the cleaning crew left it on by mistake. And I was sure that office was empty, so I didn't knock. :'''Cheryl:''' ...And? :'''Kim:''' And Howard was there at his desk, head down. And he was snorting something. :'''Cheryl:''' ''[scoffs]'' :'''Kim:''' I looked at him. He looked at me. I didn't know what to do, so I just walked out. And the next morning, when we saw each other, neither of us ever said anything about it. I never told anyone. But now I wish I had. :''[Long pause]'' :'''Cheryl:''' ''[to Cliff]'' In all the years that you worked with him, have you witnessed anything like this? Even a hint? Cliff... :'''Cliff:''' I... Cheryl, this really isn't the time or the place. :''[Cheryl begins to cry]'' :'''Kim:''' Cheryl. You were his wife. You saw him every day. You knew him better than anyone. Maybe I misunderstood what I saw. You would have known. :'''Cheryl:''' ''[voice breaking]'' Please excuse me. :''[Cheryl retreats into a women's restroom]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kim and her client are sitting in a courtroom as the presiding judge, Gabriel Dearden, takes the bench]'' :'''Bailiff:''' All rise. Court is now in session, the Honorable Judge Dearden presiding. :'''Judge Dearden:''' Good afternoon. We are here to discuss a motion to exclude evidence in ''State of New Mexico vs. Yarborough''. :'''Kim:''' ''[rises]'' Your honor, if I may. I submitted an additional motion. I'm assuming you have not seen it yet. :'''Judge Dearden:''' Did we get that? :'''Secretary:''' It just came in, judge. :''[The secretary approaches the bench and hands the motion to Judge Dearden]'' :'''Kim:''' I apologize, it was a last-minute addition. :'''Judge Dearden:''' "Last minute" is right. ''[looking through the motion]'' :''[Pause]'' :'''Judge Dearden:''' ...Do I understand this correctly? You're requesting to withdraw from this case? :'''Kim:''' Yes, your honor. My client is fully informed. And I've already been in touch with another attorney, Paige Novick. She's highly qualified and familiar with the case. She's prepared to step if you'll allow it. :'''Judge Dearden:''' Ms. Wexler, Mr. Orenstein, approach the bench. :''[Kim and the prosecutor do so]'' :'''Judge Dearden:''' ''[to Kim]'' Ms. Wexler, we are here today at your insistence to consider your motion to exclude evidence. And this is the moment you choose to withdraw? :'''Kim:''' It was unavoidable. :'''Judge Dearden:''' May I ask why? :'''Kim:''' Personal reasons, your honor. :'''Judge Dearden:''' "Personal reasons." Are we talking about a health issue, something to do with a loved one? :'''Kim:''' No. :'''Judge Dearden:''' Would you rather discuss privately in chambers? :'''Kim:''' Thank you for the consideration, but no. :'''Judge Dearden:''' Would you care to supply any detail at all? :'''Kim:''' Your honor, I prefer not to. :'''Judge Dearden:''' ''[pause; to Orenstein]'' ...Mr. Orenstein, is the state prepared to discuss Ms. Wexler's motion? :'''Orenstein:''' We are, your honor. Absolutely. :'''Judge Dearden:''' You know what, Ms. Wexler? Mr. Orenstein's here. I'm here. We all showed up for your party, and now you're taking away the punch bowl. I'm inclined to have you argue your motion, then I'll consider later writing petitions. :'''Kim:''' I'm sorry for wasting the court's time, your honor, but it's impossible for me to continue with this hearing. :'''Judge Dearden:''' And why is that, Ms. Wexler? :'''Kim:''' Because I'm no longer an attorney. :'''Judge Dearden:''' ''[brief pause]'' ...I'm sorry, what? :'''Kim:''' I gave notice to the bar two hours ago. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jimmy arrives home after hearing the news that Kim has quit her legal career]'' :'''Jimmy:''' ''You did what?!'' Why?! ''WHY?!'' Alright, alright, I know why. But Kim, you can't just— :'''Kim:''' Jimmy, I— :'''Jimmy:''' ''Shhh!'' Just let me say my piece, okay? Just—Let's take a breath here! Kim, after everything that happened... I mean, Jesus! I get it! You want to climb out of your own skin! That's natural! But Kim, you don't just throw everything away! Th-th-this is your life! You're a lawyer! What about your clients, huh? What about, uh... that poor guy, Mr. Yarborough? What about the kid in foster care? Huh?! You give them everything you got! Who are they going to find who is half as good as you?! No one! They need you! :'''Kim:''' It's already done. :'''Jimmy:''' ''Ugh!'' ''[pause]'' Okay, what's done can be undone. All I'm saying is just—just let's take a week or two to think it over. For now, we're gonna take some time off. God knows we need it. We're gonna to find a new place, we're—we're gonna leave here. We're never, ever gonna come back here again. Okay? We're gonna—we're gonna put it behind us! Things will look brighter! I guarantee it! But first we have to fix this. So we're gonna go back to the hotel room, and you're gonna write letters. You're gonna write a letter to the bar, you're gonna write letters to your clients. You—you—you dictate, I will type. We're gonna roll this thing back. I'll order a pizza, we'll pull an all-nighter. Because we're in this together. Okay? So I'm gonna go get your—your printer, and then we're gonna get the hell out of here. :''[Jimmy turns to head into the bedroom]'' :'''Kim:''' Wait— Jimmy. Jimmy! :''[Jimmy enters the bedroom to discover half-full boxes and luggage everywhere]'' :'''Kim:''' You asked if you were bad for me. That's not it. We are bad for each other. :'''Jimmy:''' Kim. Don't do this. Kim, please. :'''Kim:''' Jimmy... ''[holding back tears]'' ...I have had the time of my life with you. But we are bad for everyone around us. Other people suffer because of us. Apart we're okay, but together we're poison. :'''Jimmy:''' ''[shakes his head]'' No, no. Just tell me what I need to do to change, okay? Just tell me what it is, and I'll do it. :'''Kim:''' Jimmy... :'''Jimmy:''' No, Kim. You make me happy. We make each other happy. How can that be bad? Hey... I love you. :'''Kim:''' I love you, too. ''[voice breaking]'' But so what? :'''Jimmy:''' No. No. No, Kim, you're wrong! ''This is about '''Howard!''''' Okay?! What happened to him wasn't on us! It wasn't your fault! It wasn't ''my'' fault! It was that ''fucking Lalo Salamanca!'' That psychopath came back from the dead and he walked through that door! He did this! Not us, ''him!'' :'''Kim:''' I knew. :'''Jimmy:''' You knew wh-what? :'''Kim:''' I knew he was alive. :'''Jimmy:''' No, you didn't. :'''Kim:''' It was about a month ago. I saw that car following me again. And it turned out that Mike Ehrmantraut had guys watching both of us, watching for Lalo. :'''Jimmy:''' Mike... Mike told you that Lalo was alive? ''[Kim nods]'' And you didn't tell me? :'''Kim:''' ''[pause]'' Jimmy... I thought... I thought it was a one-in-a-million chance that he'd come for us. I thought he would be caught if he did. And I told myself I was protecting you. But that's not the truth. The reason I didn't tell you was because I knew what you'd do. :'''Jimmy:''' Wh-what would I do? :'''Kim:''' You'd—you'd blame yourself. You'd fear for me. You'd want us to run and hide until you were sure I was safe. You would pull the plug on the scam, and then... ''[pause]'' ...and then, we'd break up. And I didn't want that. Because I was having too much ''fun''. :''[Kim breaks down crying and returns to the bedroom to pack; Jimmy stands in the living room in silence]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Saul Goodman:''' Alright. [[w:Chicanery (Better Call Saul) | Let justice be done, though the heavens fall]]. === ''[[w:Nippy (Better Call Saul) | Nippy]]'' [6.10] === :''[Saul, now going by Gene Takavic, is confronted by Jeff after he unexpectedly shows up at his home]'' :'''Jeff''': Dude, what the fuck?! :'''Saul''': I know, it's awkward, right? But you don't have to call me Dad. Yet. :'''Jeff''': I don't know what this is about, but all I have to do is pick up the phone and it's "Bye-bye, Saul Goodman." :'''Saul''': Yeah, but you haven't picked up the phone yet, have ya? Or tried to strong-arm me for cash. And guess what? I know why. Because reward money—blackmail—that's not gonna tickle your pickle. I know what you really want. :'''Jeff''': Oh, yeah? What's that? :'''Saul''': You want in the game. :'''Jeff''': The game? What—what game? :'''Saul''': The ''game.'' The one you've been watching your entire life. You got your nose pressed up against the glass, peering in while the big boys play. :'''Jeff''': Speak English, man. What the hell are you talking about? :'''Saul''': ''The game.'' It's right there. You can see it, but you can't touch it yet. ''[pause]'' Cars, clothes. The cash, the ladies. It's about knowing all the angles, you know? Putting it all on the line and winning ''big.'' But here you are, Jeffy. Standing outside with the suckers, trying to pay off that cab, sweating the bills. You're getting older. It's—it's so close, but dammit you just can't get in! Until now. I can make it happen. :'''Jeff''': ''[beat]'' You? :'''Saul''': Saul Goodman. ''[pause]'' So, here's the deal. I will show you the game, and then we're done. :''[Jeff stares at Saul for another moment before smiling]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jeff runs around a maze in the outline of a mall. Saul, on a loudspeaker, shouts directions to him.]'' :'''Saul''': Go, go, go, go, go, go, go! One, Armani suits and run! Two, Air Jordan shoes for you! Three, linen shirts for free! Four, cashmere sweaters out the door! Five, Patagonias to survive! Six, swanky sweatsuits in the mix! HALT! :''[Jeff stops, breathing heavily.]'' :'''Jeff''': What?! :'''Saul''': That's too many, you gotta be precise! Just three of each. :'''Jeff''': Why? And why do I gotta run around like an asshole? :'''Saul''': I already told you! Three minutes, got it? That's our window! :'''Jeff''': Yeah, but why three minutes? :'''Saul''': Because at three minutes, that's when security sees you on the cameras and the cops haul your ass to jail, alright? So let's go. :':'''Jeff''': Wait, there's cameras? :'''Saul''': Sure there's cameras! They erase the tapes every seventy-two hours, so that's why you only take three of each, and only the pricey stuff. When the store opens the next morning, they won't even know they were robbed. By the time they do inventory, abra cadabra, no more Jeffy on the tape! Right, so, three items, three minutes... It's easy. Let's go. :''[Jeff walks back to the start of the maze.]'' :'''Saul''': How many of each? :'''Jeff''': Three... :'''Saul''': Pigs get fat, hogs get slaughtered! :'''Jeff''': I don't know... :'''Saul''': What don't you know? :'''Jeff''': Just, this whole thing, it seems crazy! :'''Saul''': Is this too hot for you?! Ju— You know what, just say so! You know what? Screw it. "Crazy?" I'll tell you what's crazy! [[w:Walter White (Breaking Bad) | Fifty-year-old high school chemistry teacher]] [[w:Breaking Bad | comes into my office. The guy is so broke, he can't pay his own mortgage. One year later, he's got a pile of cash as big as a Volkswagen.]] ''That's'' crazy. :'''Buddy''': I'll do it. :'''Jeff''': This sounds good to you? :'''Buddy''': I think it'll work. :'''Saul''': Well, look at you! Hey, you're young. You're probably, uh... Fast in the feet, huh? :'''Jeff''': Okay, I- I didn't say I wouldn't do it! I just... Had some questions about, like... Logistics. :'''Saul''': Are you in or out? :'''Jeff''': In. :'''Saul''': ''[sighs]'' Okay, back to one. ''[He speaks into the loudspeaker as Jeff sets himself up.]'' Check, test, one-two, one-two. Okay! And ready, set, action! :''[Jeff begins running.]'' :'''Saul''': Move, move, move! Pick up the pace! Go, go, go! One, Armani suits and run! Two, Air Jordan shoes for you! Three, linen shirts for free! Four, cashmere sweaters out the door! Five, Patagonias to survive! Six, swanky sweatsuits in the mix! Let's go, let's go, let's go! <hr width="50%"/> :''[On the night of the robbery, Saul watches Jeff through the mall cameras while one of the security guards, Frank, is eating a Cinnabon roll with his back facing the cameras.]'' :'''Saul''': How about that 44-21 win against the Cavs? :'''Frank''': Be still my heart. ''[laughs]'' :'''Saul''': Seventy-six yard pass to Reggie Ball, and–and never sacked once. :'''Frank''': Wow, you have got quite the memory. :'''Saul''': ...Yeah, well—I'll tell you what. I can remember every stitch of clothing I was wearing during that game, but ask me what I had for dinner and... ''[whistles]'' Clean slate. :'''Frank''': Tell me about it! ''[Saul checks his stopwatch, which is at two minutes and fifteen seconds]'' Well, I'll tell ya: If you're not passing the ball, that's what's gonna happen. ''[eats another bite]'' Mmm! :''[Eventually, Jeff runs with the last round of clothes when he slips and falls. Saul chokes on his coffee.]'' :'''Frank''': You okay? :'''Saul''': ''[coughs]'' Wrong pipe. :'''Frank''': Oh, okay. So, you think our guys are gonna move to the Big Ten like they're sayin'? :'''Saul''': ''[pause]'' Big Ten? :'''Frank''': Yeah, you know, maybe they're just chasing the almighty dollar if you ask me. I mean, both powerhouses of course. But, you know what? You got Oklahoma and Texas over here. But Michigan, Ohio State over there! ''[Saul looks nervously at the cameras]'' I... I don't know. Guess I like tradition. ''[chuckles; sighs as he takes yet another bite]'' So good. Just amazing. Wow. :''[After Saul realizes Jeff is out cold, he fakes a nervous breakdown to distract Frank]'' :'''Saul''': God, what am I doing? :'''Frank''': What? :'''Saul''': ''[cries out again as Frank turns his head towards the cameras]'' Look at me! Wha—I don't know what... ''[sobs]'' Oh, Jesus! :'''Frank''': Gene? :'''Saul''': Oh, God. You... you have a wife, right, Frank? :'''Frank''': Yeah. :'''Saul''': Yeah? :'''Frank''': Yeah. :'''Saul''': She's waiting for you? ''[Frank nods]'' Look at me. I got... I got no one. My parents are dead. [[w:Chuck McGill | My brother]]... ''[beat; looks down]'' My brother is dead. I, uh... I don't have a wife. No kids, no friends. If I die tonight, no one would care. What difference would it make? :''[Saul looks up again and notices Jeff slowly getting himself up]'' :'''Frank''': Gene, buddy... I—I'm sure you mean a lot to... to a lot of—lots of people. ''[turns his head around again]'' :'''Saul''': ''[slams fist on table]'' If I die tonight, my landlord would pack up my stuff. It'd take him three hours. And Cinnabon would just hire a new manager. Gene who?! Poof, I'd be gone! I'd be... a–a ghost. No, not a ghost. I'd be a... a shadow. I'd just mean ''nothing.'' I mean, Frank... What's the ''point'', Frank? What's the... :''[Saul sees Jeff put away the clothes in the box. He groans as he watches Jeff run out of the warehouse, then claps when he's out of sight]'' :'''Saul''': ''[sighs]'' I'm sorry. You didn't need to hear that. :'''Frank''': No, no, no. That's–that's okay. No, that is okay. Everybody has bad days. :'''Saul''': You've felt like this? :'''Frank''': ...No. I mean, not me, but... people. I think a lot of people. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Saul''': You guys enjoying yourselves? Well, hold on to that feeling, 'cause this is it. :'''Jeff''': Yeah, we know. :'''Saul''': Well, in case you forget, you transported stolen goods with a value exceeding $5,000. And the truck you used to do it was rented in Council Bluffs across state lines. :'''Jeff''': You told us to rent the truck over there, so— :'''Saul''': ''[motions for Jeff to stop talking]'' Theft from an interstate shipment, up to ten years. Transportation of stolen goods, another ten years. Sale of stolen goods, ten years. Conspiracy to commit a federal crime— :'''Buddy''': Whoa, hold on. Conspiracy? It was your idea. :'''Saul''': Yeah. It's called mutually assured destruction, so... if I go down, you go down. :'''Jeff''': Man, you don't have to threaten us. We're all friends here. :'''Saul''': I am not your friend. And if you get greedy, and you decide to come back for more, ''don't.'' Gene Takavic, you've never heard of him. Cottonwood Mall, you don't go there. You see me comin', you cross to the other side of the street. :'''Jeff''': Dude. :'''Saul''': Now, I need you to say it. We're done. :'''Jeff''': ''[pause; laughs]'' Come on! :'''Saul''': Say it. ''We're done. '''Say it.''''' :'''Jeff''': ''[beat; looks at his friend briefly]'' We're done. :'''Buddy''': ''[pause]'' We're–we're done. === ''[[w:Breaking Bad (Better Call Saul) | Breaking Bad]]'' [6.11] === :''[Saul, with his limbs duct-taped and a bag over his head, lies on the floor of an RV.]'' :'''Saul''': Guys, c'mon. Talk to me! ''Habla, por favor! Yo soy abogado! Abogado, abogado!'' Aw-- Crap! You already knew that! Jesus, fellas, there's a better way to do this! Hello? Oh-- Why- Wha-- Why are we going off-road? Oh! Whoa! Whatever this is, can we please don't do it in the desert? ''Anywhere but the desert!'' Oh-- Oh, God, I'm gonna be sick... :''[The RV stops and two masked men walk up, cutting the tape at Saul's legs and forcing him upright.]'' :'''Saul:''' Alright, fellas... This-- we can-- We can fix this! Whatever the ''problemo'', we can fix it with ''dinero. Mucho dinero! Mucho, mucho, mucho dinero!'' C'mon, please, one of you just, just-- You talk, ''habla!'' C'mon, b-before mistakes are made! C'mon, talk to me, guys, huh? :''[The RV door closes to reveal [[w:Pilot_(Breaking_Bad)| five bullet holes covered with duct tape.]]]'' :'''Saul:''' C'mon, just tell me what you want! Jeez... :''[The bag is taken off Saul's head to reveal an open grave in the middle of the desert]'' :'''Saul:''' Oh! Oh, no, no, no, no, no! No! [[w:Better Call Saul (Breaking Bad)| It wasn't me! It was Ignacio, he's the one!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Francesca answers a payphone at an abandoned convenience store outside of Albuquerque. On the other end of the line is Saul, calling from a phone booth outside a diner in rural Nebraska under his Gene Takavic alias.]'' :'''Francesca''': Yeah. :'''Saul''': Oh, good. You're there. Great. Great. Unencumbered by curious eyes and ears, I'm guessing? :'''Francesca''': Wouldn't have picked up otherwise. :'''Saul''': Right. Excellent. Um, okay. Well then... Lay it on me. :'''Francesca''': First things first. :'''Saul''': No, I believe we agreed after. :'''Francesca''': I'm hanging up. :'''Saul''': Okay, okay then! Jeez! I... Okay, if you're facing the phone, turn right ninety degrees and, uh, walk straight. You'll see some pieces of broken concrete in the dirt. Just pull back the one that's kinda shaped like New Jersey. :'''Francesca''': New Jersey? :'''Saul''': Alfred Hitchcock in a fez, whatever. Just pull that one back, and you'll see a, um, soda can tap. It's got a fishing line tied to it. Follow that line, it'll take you to an old water line, and just keep pulling the string and you'll get what I promised. :''[Francesca leaves the phone off the hook and follows Saul's instructions. She soon retrieves a pouch containing three bundles of cash, amounting to several thousand dollars. She returns to the payhone.]'' :'''Francesca''': Okay. :'''Saul''': Great. Was it all there? I mean, the rats didn't eat it or anything? :'''Francesca''': It's all here. :'''Saul''': ''[exhales]'' Okay. Well, uh, tell me... how hot. :'''Francesca''': How hot? :'''Saul''': Yeah. :'''Francesca''': Well, I still get followed. Not as often as [[w:Ozymandias (Breaking Bad) | when the shit first hit the fan]], but I still see them. My mail gets opened. My phone at home clicks whenever I use it. :'''Saul''': So the maestro buying the farm didn't change anything? :'''Francesca''': No. If anything, it made it worse. [[w:Skyler White | Skyler White]] got her deal, so the only ones left to go after are you and Pinkman. And I heard [[w:El Camino: A Breaking Bad Movie | they found his car down by the border]], so adios dopehead. :'''Saul''': Oh, so they're still on to me. Well... Hey, what do you know about the nail salons? :'''Francesca''': Nail salons are gone. :'''Saul''': What? Gone? All of them? :'''Francesca''': Yup. :'''Saul''': What about the vending machines? :'''Francesca''': Gone. :'''Saul''': Jesus! Don't tell me, the laser tag... :'''Francesca''': Feds found it all, Saul. :'''Saul''': How?! It was shells within shells! Dammit! Dammit!! Okay... okay... Hey— oh. Let's say there was an overseas account, Antigua and Barbuda— :'''Francesca''': Tiger Fish Corporation? :'''Saul''': What? :'''Francesca''': Tiger Fish Corporation? 850K? I gave it to the feds. :'''Saul''': You did what? Why would you do that?! :''[An automated message tells Saul that his phone time has expired. He hurriedly puts more quarters into the payphone.]'' :'''Saul''': ''God dammit!'' :'''Francesca''': You—you put my name on the board of a fictional corporation. I had to give it up, I didn't really have a choice. And a heads-up would have been nice, by the way! :'''Saul''': So it's gone? It's all gone. Those sons of bitches took everything. :'''Francesca''': Except what you took with you, and I'm guessing that wasn't chump change. :'''Saul''': Yeah, well... :'''Francesca''': Well... Guess that's it. :'''Saul''': Wait, wait, wait! C'mon, I just put more quarters in! Can't you just... I don't know... give me the lowdown? :'''Francesca''': There's nothing else. :'''Saul''': Well, that's not true. After all this time? You know, come on. Just fill me in. Um... How's Kuby? :'''Francesca''': No idea. :'''Saul''': Alright, how about Huell? :'''Francesca''': Huell? I guess back home in New Orleans. DEA held him under false pretenses or something, so last I heard he walked. :'''Saul''': Good. Um, how about Danny? Or—or Ira? I mean, any word on those two guys? :'''Francesca''': They have Internet where you are? :'''Saul''': Well, just... C'mon, give me something. There's gotta be some news. :'''Francesca''': Remember Bill Oakley? He switched sides. :'''Saul''': He came out, huh? :'''Francesca''': No, he's not gay. He's a defense attorney now. :'''Saul''': Huh. Well, I mean... What about you? How are you doing? :'''Francesca''': ''[sarcastically]'' I'm just great. [[w:Rainier III, Prince of Monaco|Prince Rainier]] proposed. The private jet is taking us to the palace on Thursday. :'''Saul''': Yeah. Okay, well... I guess that's it, then. :''[Francesca mulls over what to tell Saul next.]'' :'''Francesca''': I did get one call, after everything went down. ''[pause]'' Kim. Checking in on me. :'''Saul''': No kidding? :'''Francesca''': ''Mm-hmm''. Your name came up. Asked if you were alive. :'''Saul''': She asked about me... ''[pause]'' What did you tell her? :'''Francesca''': Nothing. :'''Saul''': But she asked. :'''Francesca''': Yup. :'''Saul''': ''[long pause]'' ...Yeah, okay. Well, I guess this is goodbye— :''[Francesca hangs up without saying anything.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Saul goes inside the RV driven by the two masked men [[w:Better Call Saul (Breaking Bad)| who kidnapped him and brought him to the desert]]]'' :'''Saul''': What the hell is this? It's like [[w:James Whale|James Whale]]'s travelling roadshow in here. :''[Jesse Pinkman, a ski mask pulled up over his face, steps in behind him.]'' :'''[[w:Jesse Pinkman |Jesse]]''': Whatever the hell that is, Crystal Ship definitely travels. :''[Walt enters and shuts the door behind him, incredulous. Meanwhile, Saul explores the RV.]'' :'''[[w:Walter White (Breaking Bad) | Walter]]''': I'm sorry, you said the ''what'' travels? :'''Jesse''': Crystal Ship. What I call this thing. :'''Walter''': Alright, never mind, just... No details. We're paying him to do a job, let's just leave it at that. :'''Saul''': "No details?" Fellas, that–that money you put in my pocket, that doesn't just extend to this job. That can get you attorney-client privilege on—on all matters! :'''Walter''': ''No details.'' :'''Saul''': Look at this setup. I mean–What, you two driving around like Mr. Softee, scooping out drugs for all the good boys and girls? :'''Jesse''': No, we don't deal from here. :'''Walter''': I said no details! :'''Jesse''': Dude is standing in front of a meth lab, it's not like he ain't gonna put two and two together! :'''Walter''': He is on a need-to-know basis. :'''Jesse''': Uh, I didn't wanna show my face. Did he need to know that? :'''Saul''': So, you're not just distribution. You're the whole freakin' package. :''[Saul leans up against a table, considering Walt and Jesse before turning to the lab equipment.]'' :'''Saul''': You two actually make the blue stuff? ''[brief pause]'' Here?! ''[chuckles and picks up a flask]'' That's amazing! :'''Walter''': Can you not touch...? :'''Saul''': I mean, look at this! I had a fish that could've used this as a vacation home, but you're using it to make the goods, huh? :'''Jesse''': Yeah, it's a, um, round-bottom flask. ''[turns to Walt]'' Right? Round-bottom? ''[Walt grimaces and says nothing]'' It's a flask for distilling. :'''Walter''': It won't be if you break it. Now please, put it down. :'''Saul''': Oh. ''[clears his throat]'' Okay, so if you cook the blue stuff... ''[to Jesse]'' that means you're Igor and— ''[to Walt]'' and that makes you... You're Heisenberg. Wow. Hey, tell me, how-how much product can you churn out with a setup like this? :'''Walter''': Alright, we're done. We're done with the questions. ''We'' ask the questions. You have ''a'' job—''one'' job—and I still don't understand how you're gonna pull it off. :'''Saul''': Listen, when I get all my ducks in a row, I'll give you a PowerPoint down at the office. But until then, just—just bring what we talked about, okay? And don't worry! I'm gonna make it work. :'''Walter''': I'm taking the eighty thousand as a starting point for negotiation. :'''Saul''': Take it any way you want. That's the price and, um... ''[clears throat again]'' I'm calling shotgun. ''[saunters up and plops down in the passenger's seat]'' :'''Walter''': ''[to Jesse, who attempts to take the driver's seat]'' I will drive. :'''Jesse''': Oh, yeah. Sure. I'll just... stand. I guess. ''[under his breath]'' Dick. :'''Saul''': At least you won't be rolling around like the last Christmas ham in the back of the delivery truck, you know? I—I've got bad knees. ''[to Walt]'' I think you might've messed up my rotator cuff. You're lucky I'm not charging you for my chiropractor, she's expensive. ''[to Jesse]'' But she adjusts ''everything.'' :''[Walt starts the RV, which immediately stalls out.]'' :'''Walter''': Dammit. :'''Jesse''': You gotta give it some ''gas'' when you're backing up. :'''Walter''': I gave it the proper amount of gas. :'''Jesse''': I guess that's why we're "moving", then. :'''Walter''': Look, it just was... idling too long. It'll start. :''[Walt attempts to turn over the ignition again and it sputters.]'' :'''Jesse''': Oh, you should've just let me drive, yo! :'''Walter''': Look, nothing would be different in this moment except you panicking and flooding the engine. :'''Jesse''': ''[scoffs]'' Bullshit. :'''Saul''': Look, fellas, I was enjoying the [[w:Laurel and Hardy|Laurel and Hardy]] vibe, but I'm not such a fan of [[w:The Bickersons|the Bickersons]]. Now, can you get me back to my office? I—I got work to do if you want me to make some magic. :'''Walter''': We just need to sit a moment, that's all. When it idles too long, the fuel pump overheats, and so we just need to let it cool down. :''[Walt takes the key out of the ignition, plunging the RV into darkness. Walt clears his own throat, which turns into a cough. A bit of blood spills onto his hand and he wipes it away, but Saul notices. He gives Walt a once-over and Walt responds with a glare of his own, which prompts Saul to turn his attention to the window.]'' :'''Jesse''': So... who's Lalo? :'''Saul''': ...Who? :'''Jesse''': Lalo. Thought some dude named Lalo sent us? You seemed pretty freaked out. Never heard of no Lalo on the street. :'''Saul''': ''[beat]'' It's nobody. ''[to Walt]'' Hey, are you gonna try that again? 'Cause... Or are they gonna find us, y'know, buried in a sandstorm a thousand years from now? Just, please. :''[Walt turns the key and the RV springs to life once again]'' :'''Jesse''': ''[sarcastically]'' Bravo. :'''Saul''': I second that! I'm gonna give you two free words of advice: Jiffy. Lube. :'''Walter''': Hold on. :''[They drive off out of the desert, leaving behind the hole that Walt and Jesse previously dug up.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Saul is lying on the floor with his feet in the Swing Master as Mike enters his office]'' :'''Saul:''' Ho, enter sunshine! Cast some light into my cool, dark world! :''[Mike doesn't say anything, sitting on the couch and looking at a newspaper crossword puzzle]'' :'''Saul:''' Hello? You're on the clock, right? So, get with the info any time. :'''Mike:''' When you're done. :'''Saul:''' No, I can multitask. Please. :'''Mike:''' I'm not gonna talk to you while you're on... whatever ''that'' is. :'''Saul:''' You know, LBJ used to have his underlings give him reports while he was on the shitter. :'''Mike:''' ''Ah-hah.'' Well, either I'm gonna leave or I'm gonna put my foot in your skull. :'''Saul:''' ''[sighs]'' ...Fine. ''[gets up off the floor]'' You should try one of these. You walk like Frankenstein after he was probed by aliens. ''Ha!'' I can get you one. Would do wonders for your chi. ''[puts on his suit jacket and seats himself behind his desk]'' Let's go. Lay it on me. :''[Mike walks to the desk and hands Saul an envelope containing photos.]'' :'''Mike:''' Alright. First: there's your Mrs. Denise Gabbler. She's cheating, alright. :'''Saul:''' ''[whistles]'' Limber! ''Ha-ha!'' Well, at least I know they didn't spot you. No one could stay that aroused with your mug peeking through the window. ''[Mike stares at Saul, stone-faced; he doesn't respond]'' What else you got? :'''Mike:''' Well, next I followed your bus driver. Newsflash: He really does have a broken neck. :'''Saul:''' Fantastic. That makes my life much easier. Keep it coming. :'''Mike:''' Second-story guy out of Indianapolis, Lasky? Did a dime at Menard. Now, if you're looking for a tenor who will keep his mouth shut, you can trust him. I say he's worth keeping an eye on. :'''Saul:''' Second-story guy, second-story guy... I—I got more second-story guys in my book than pimples at a junior prom. That... ''[inhales]'' What about, uh, that Heisenberg fella? :'''Mike:''' High school chemistry teacher. :'''Saul:''' You're shittin' me, really? :'''Mike:''' Walter Hartwell White. Chemistry teacher over at J. P. Wynne. Working with a former student, current meth head, one Jesse Pinkman. :'''Saul:''' Wow... Uh, what else about the teacher? :'''Mike:''' He has lung cancer. :'''Saul:''' ''Jesus.'' That's why he can't quit with the coughing. How bad? :'''Mike:''' Stage 3A. He's in treatment, more tests to come. But it doesn't look good. Now listen, even if this guy was gonna live, I wouldn't go near him. He's a complete amateur. :'''Saul:''' Well, you see an amateur, I see 170 pounds of clay ready to be molded. :'''Mike:''' Well, if the cancer doesn't get him, it will be the cops or a bullet to the head. :'''Saul:''' Is that your appraisal, or is that what [[w:Gus Fring | He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named]] says about him? :'''Mike:''' He didn't say anything. The guy is small potatoes. :'''Saul:''' Yeah, okay. I hear ya. I just—I got a feeling about this. This Heisenberg guy's got something. It's top-of-the-line product, that's the buzz on the street. And I just think with the right management— :'''Mike:''' You know, years ago I bought a [[w:Betamax|Betamax]]. Good product, top of the line. Experts said it was better than a VHS. Turned out to be a complete waste of time and money. :'''Saul:''' ''Hm?'' :'''Mike:''' ''[sternly]'' Let it go. :'''Saul:''' ''[sighs]'' ...Guy with that mustache probably doesn't make a lot of good life choices. So yeah, the second-story guy. Menard, you said? :'''Mike:''' Yeah, right, right, right. Alright, part of a high-end crew fencing jewelry up into Canada. Now, Lasky kid caught a bad break. Cop was driving by just as he was ducking in a window. He did the time, no one else on his crew went down. Solid. :''[Saul stares off into space, not paying attention to what Mike is saying.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Saul learns that Jeff's friend, Buddy, bailed on one of their scams and confronts him in the garage behind Jeff's house.]'' :'''Saul''': You're kidding me! Absolutely kidding me! :'''Buddy''': I'm sorry, man. I couldn't do it. :'''Saul''': Do you know how much time, how much effort I put into finding the perfect mark?! I have to weed through all these saps who have wives and families at home! Find somebody who's alone, with money! And what—So you can just wimp out?! :'''Buddy''': The guy has cancer, man! I found pills in his pocket, okay? The same ones my dad took. For, like, pancreatic cancer. :'''Saul''': So a guy with cancer can't be an asshole? ''[chuckles]'' Believe me! I speak from experience! :'''Buddy''': I can't rip off a guy with cancer. I'm sorry. :'''Saul''': Do you know how many of the suckers we've ripped off had sob stories?! ''Every single one of them!'' Besides, it'll be ''months'' before they even realize they've been taken! This guy will already be dead! So please get back in your truck, go back to the house, and finish the job! :'''Buddy''': ''[beat]'' No, man. I can't do that! I can't! :'''Saul''': Alright, I get it! You'll get over it, okay? Please, believe me. Before you know it, you'll forget all about it. ''[softly]'' Go. :'''Buddy''': Look, we're doing really well, right? Hear me out, okay? I mean, we're rolling in cash! We can just let this one go! :'''Saul''': Not your call. :'''Buddy''': ''[sighs]'' Yeah, but I... I pulled the tape when I left! The door's locked! We couldn't get back in even if we wanted to! ''[Saul angrily slaps the top of Jeff's car]'' Jeff, come on, man! Back me up here! :'''Jeff''': Oh, well I... I don't know. I mean, I can see both sides kinda. :'''Saul''': You know what? Forget it, you're fired. Just go! Just give me the camera and go! :'''Buddy''': ''[hands Saul his camera]'' Fine. :'''Saul''': GOOD! Go, we don't need you! And I know I don't need to tell you this, but since you're such a goddamn amateur, I will anyway! Keep your mouth ''shut''. :''[Buddy gives Jeff one last glance before leaving the garage.]'' :'''Saul''': ''[to Jeff]'' If we're gonna do this, we should leave now. :'''Jeff''': ...We're really gonna go back there? :'''Saul''': What did I just say? Jeff, are you in or out?! === ''[[w:Waterworks (Better Call Saul) | Waterworks]]'' [6.12] === :'''Kim''': Kim Wexler. :'''Jimmy''': Hey! Kim Wexler... You know who this is? ''[beat; Kim is silent]'' I'm gonna take that as a "yes". Uh, that receptionist of yours, is she the type to listen in? :'''Kim''': No. :'''Jimmy''': Good! Okay! So... How's Florida been treating you? I'm catching you between hurricanes, I hope. ''[pause]'' Kim? You there? :'''Kim''': What do you want? :'''Jimmy''': No, I don't... I don't want anything, I just—It's been a while, y'know, I was just... I was thinking, it's been a while? And, uh... It might be nice to catch up. :'''Kim''': "Catch up?" :'''Jimmy''': Yeah, my mind was wandering this morning, just... Not thinking anything in particular, just random thoughts and—Bam, it suddenly occurred to me, it's been six years. I mean, Jesus. I—I couldn't believe it! ''[beat]'' I thought you might wanna know I'm still alive. ''[pause]'' Yep. I'm still out here! Still getting away with it! Feds couldn't find their own ass with both hands and a proctologist. :'''Kim''': You shouldn't be calling me. :'''Jimmy''': Oh, hey! You're awake! :'''Kim''': ''You shouldn't be calling.'' :'''Jimmy''': Why not? What, am I tying up the line from important irrigation business? I mean, come on, Kim, say something. Hey, call me an asshole! Yell at me! Just let me know you still got a pulse. ''[pause]'' Just ''say'' something! :'''Kim''': You want me to say something? :'''Jimmy''': Yeah. :'''Kim''': You should turn yourself in. :'''Jimmy''': Do what? :'''Kim''': You heard me. I don't know what kind of life you've been living, but it can't be much. :'''Jimmy''': Said the pot to the kettle! What?! That is—hat is really rich, you—''you'' preaching to ''me?!'' See, you have no idea what I did or didn't do, okay? And why–why don't you turn ''your''self in? Seeing as how ''you're'' the one with the guilty conscience, huh? What is—What is stopping you, huh? Fring's in the ground. Mike's in the ground, Lalo's in the ground, apparently. You don't have to hold back on my account! They can only hang me once, so what?! So go ahead! Spill your guts, put on your hair shirt, see what it gets you! Why are... Kim, why are we even talking about this? We're both too smart to throw our lives away for no reason, just... I just—I only wanted to... Kim—Kim...! Kim— :'''Kim''': I'm glad you're alive. ''[she hangs up]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cheryl Hamlin has just finished reading Kim's written confession, describing the events leading up to the night of Howard's death]'' :'''Cheryl''': ...Why? :'''Kim''': He was... in the wrong place at the wrong time. :'''Cheryl''': Where's his body? :'''Kim''': I don't know. :'''Cheryl''': And the police... will they search again? :'''Kim''': They'll search. I don't think they'll find him. Cheryl, he... It—It all happened in an instant, and he didn't—he didn't suffer. :'''Cheryl''': "He didn't suffer"? The lies you two made up, the picture you painted... That's all he is now! That's all ''anybody'' remembers! :'''Kim''': I wanna change that. :'''Cheryl''': What happens now? Will you be tried? Will you go to jail? :'''Kim''': I don't know. :'''Cheryl''': You're a lawyer, right? You're a... a ''great'' one, Howard said! How could you ''not know?'' :'''Kim''': Bernalillo County has my affidavit. It's up to the district attorney whether to prosecute. And she may not. :'''Cheryl''': ''Why?'' :'''Kim''': There's no physical evidence. No remaining witnesses other than my ex-husband, assuming he's still alive. :'''Cheryl''': I could sue you in civil court. I could take everything you've got. :'''Kim''': Yeah. :'''Cheryl''': ...Why are you doing this? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kim stands outside Saul's office, attempting to light a cigarette. A man, revealed to be Jesse Pinkman, leans against a wall.]'' :'''Jesse''': Hey, yo... Can I bum one of those? :''[Kim pauses before offering him the cigarette. Jesse takes one and she lights it for him.]'' :'''Jesse''': Thanks. ''[gestures towards the rain]'' What's up with this shit? :'''Kim''': Raining. :'''Jesse''': Yeah. I dunno, it's... It's crazy! Like, bananas, all this rain. I mean, I thought we were, like, in a desert, y'know? ''[beat]'' You're a lawyer, right? ''[Kim turns to him]'' Yeah. I recognize you. You defended my buddy, Combo. Christian Ortega? Juvie court, little baby Jesus? I mean, not like a ''real'' baby. Just, uh... y'know, one of those things outside of the... church? :'''Kim''': Nativity scene. :'''Jesse''': Yeah. :'''Kim''': Knights of Columbus. :'''Jesse''': I mean, what the ''hell'' did he even ''want'' that thing for? Huh? I mean, I—I still don't know, ''dumbass.'' I told him he could go to hell for stealing something like that. I mean—But did he listen to me? No. But you... You got him off, like, scot-free, that... That was pretty slick, yo! :'''Kim''': Well... Tell him I hope he's keeping his nose clean. :'''Jesse''': Yeah, yeah. Right on. Absolutely. Uh... Hey, so, you having all this expertise and all... This guy, Goodman... ''[pause]'' He the real deal? Like, lawyer-wise? :'''Kim''': Why do you ask? :'''Jesse''': I got a buddy in there who's facing some serious time. I mean, not... y'know, not baby Jesus time, but... but serious. You know, he needs top-shelf legal representation. And I tell him that, right? But, you know, he sees this dude's commercials on TV, and this is where he wants to go. I mean, I tell him, "Yo... Emilio, you know, a funny TV commercial's not a sound... basis for, like, you know... ''[pause]'' I mean, like, would you go to a doctor to do, like, an operation on you in, like a... On, like your spleen, or whatever... All on the fact that there was a funny TV commercial? No. I mean, c'mon. How is this ''any'' different, y'know?" Anyways... This guy. Any good? :''[Kim throws her cigarette away]'' :'''Kim''': When I knew him, he was. ''[pulls her hood up and runs out into the rain]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Saul calls Marion after learning that Jeff has been arrested for the robbery he committed the previous night]'' :'''Marion''': Hello? ''[pause]'' Gene! Honey, do you know what time it is? ''[beat; picks up her phone and sits down]'' Oh... Oh God, that boy. He's gonna put me in my grave. :'''Saul''': Marion... ''[chuckles]'' It's a mistake is all. Getting picked up for something you didn't do, that could happen to anybody. :'''Marion''': Yeah right, anyone. This isn't the first time, you know. He's been in trouble before. Oh, Jesus! :'''Saul''': Marion— :'''Marion''': The death of me! He's gonna be the death of me! :'''Saul''': Marion! Marion, it's gonna be alright. We'll get him outta there lickety-split. :'''Marion''': I've been through this before. There's nothing lickety-split about it. Back when he was living in Albuquerque... Drunk in public, resisting arrest, urinating in—in some place he shouldn't have! And me on the telephone for hours long-distance, trying to find one of those bailout places. I maxed out my Discover card. I'm still paying for that one! :'''Saul''': Well, money's not gonna be a problem because I'm gonna help you with that. :'''Marion''': No, Gene. I can't let you do that. No. :'''Saul''': Sure you can. Jeff will pay me back. And you don't have to worry about a bondsman either, because guess what? In Omaha, they don't have 'em. Right? You just walk into the station, you pay out straight cash bail. It's not like Albuquerque at all. ''[beat; Marion starts growing suspicious]'' Marion, you still there? :'''Marion''': Yeah, what... Why did Jeff call you instead of me? :'''Saul''': Well, I think he was scared of how you'd take it. Honestly, I was gonna pay the bail myself, but I think it should be a family member. I think that'd be best. ''[brief pause]'' I'll tell you what. Let me take a shower, get dressed, and you do the same. I'll swing by and pick you up, we'll get this whole thing squared away. :'''Marion''': What about Buddy? Is he in any trouble? :'''Saul''': I don't think so. Why would he be? ''Heh.'' I'll see you in about an hour. :'''Marion''': Yeah, okay. Yeah, thanks. :''[After she hangs up the phone, Marion unplugs her phone chord and connects it to her laptop.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Saul has just discovered Marion watching videos on the internet. He opens up her laptop to find one of his old commercials playing, then re-shuts it.]'' :'''Saul''': What's that? :'''Marion''': ...You tell me. :'''Saul''': Marion, do you think that's me? 'Cause it's not. :'''Marion''': There never was a Nippy, was there? :'''Saul''': What did Jeff tell you? :'''Marion''': Oh, he didn't tell me anything. [[w:AskJeeves | AskJeeves]] told me. I typed in "conman" and "Albuquerque". And up you popped, big as day. ''[reaches for her phone]'' :'''Saul''': What are you doing, Marion? :'''Marion''': What do you think I'm doing? I'm calling the police. :'''Saul''': Here. Let me help you with that. ''[rips the phone line from the wall and backs Marion into a corner]'' Listen, I think we're losing sight of the bigger picture here, okay? Jeff is in trouble, and I wanna help him. He and I could sure use your support here. :'''Marion''': What'd you get my son into?! :'''Saul''': Nothing that he didn't ask for. ''[shoves Marion's chair to the side and wraps the phone cord around his fists]'' Listen, I'm still the good friend you thought I was, okay? Jeff understands me! Buddy understands me! And you will, too. You just have to, uh... You know, keep things on an even keel, alright? :''[Marion pulls out her [[w:Life Alert Emergency Response | LifeAlert button]], threatening Jimmy with it as he closes in.]'' :'''Saul''': What have you got there? Put that down. Put that down, Marion. Put it down. Do not do it, Marion. Final warning... ''[takes it out of her grasp]'' :'''Marion''': I trusted you. :''[Saul holds on to the button for a few moments, guilt quickly setting in before he lets it go. Marion grasps the button again and presses it.]'' :'''Valerie''': Marion? This is Valerie with LifeAlert. Are you okay? :'''Marion''': No, Valerie, I'm not okay! There's a criminal standing in my kitchen, threatening me! He's a wanted man, and his name is Saul Goodman! :'''Valerie''': Alright, Marion? I'm calling the police, I'm calling right now. :''[Saul sprints out of the kitchen and exits the house. Marion looks on in shock.]'' === ''Saul Gone'' [6.13] === == External links == {{wikipedia}} [[Category:Better Call Saul seasons]] [[Category:Split television seasons]] 00by2tzuvi1pu5jcf1eoo12aoulrukf 0 248524 3152927 3151219 2022-08-09T14:37:36Z Christian M. (2016) 2888911 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Lightyear (film)|Lightyear]]''''' is a 2022 American [[w:Computer animation|computer-animated]] [[w:Science fiction film|science fiction]] [[w:Action film#Action-adventure|action-adventure film]] produced by [[w:Pixar|Pixar Animation Studios]] and released by [[w:Walt Disney Pictures|Walt Disney Pictures]]. It is a spin-off prequel of the ''[[Toy Story]]'' film series, serving as an origin story for the fictional test pilot/astronaut character who the Buzz Lightyear toy/action figure featured in the main films was inspired by. :''Directed by [[w:Angus MacLane|Angus MacLane]]. Written by MacLane, Matthew Aldrich, and Jason Headley.'' {{film-stub}} ==Buzz Lightyear== *I'm Buzz Lightyear, I'm always sure! *Buzz Lightyear mission log. Star date 3901. After a full year of being marooned, our very first flight is a go. *Let's get everyone home. *Buzz Lightyear mission log. My mistake has marooned us on this strange planet. I need to make it right. *Buzz Lightyear to Star Command, come in Star Command. Star Command, come in. Why don't they answer? *''[as he attacks Zurg with his laser]'' Not today Zurg! ===Emperor Zurg=== *''[confronting Buzz]'' Buzz… come with me! *Buzz Lightyear, Mission Log: I now have the crystal in my possession, and can finally, at long last, finish the mission! I'm gonna go back and matter again, Buzz, and you, it will be like you were never here. So, prepare to die! ==Sox== *Hello, Buzz. I am Sox, your personal companion robot. *I was issued by Star Command to ease your emotional transition after your time away. *That was utterly terrifying and I regret having joined you. *The probability of survival with an inexperienced crew is 38.2%. ==Izzy Hawthorne== *I hope you're ready for action, because all we needed was a pilot. *I have a plan, and I have a team. *Grandma always said she believed in you. *Are we going to space? I can see stars, that is space! ==Mo Morrison== *We can do anything! *Well, I thought that this was going to be like a fun boot camp, workout thing. But it is not. ==Darby Steel== *I can do this, and they shave a little time off my sentence. *I'm not allowed to handle weapons, would be a violation of my parole. *Don't die is just something you want to do every day! ==Alisha Hawthorne== *''[last words]'' Goodbye, Buzz. I'm sorry I won't be there to see you finish the mission. To infinity... ''[Buzz: And beyond.]'' ==Dialogue== ==Taglines== *Infinity awaits. *In 1995, a boy named Andy got a Buzz Lightyear toy for his birthday. It was from his favorite movie. This is ''that'' movie. ==Voice cast== * [[Chris Evans (actor)|Chris Evans]] &ndash; Buzz Lightyear ** [[w:James Brolin|James Brolin]] &ndash; Emperor Zurg * [[w:Peter Sohn|Peter Sohn]] &ndash; Sox ===Secondary=== * [[w:Keke Palmer|Keke Palmer]] &ndash; Izzy Hawthorne ** Keira Hairston {{small|(young)}} * [[w:Taika Waititi|Taika Waititi]] &ndash; Mo Morrison * [[w:Dale Soules|Dale Soules]] &ndash; Darby Steel * Mary McDonald-Lewis &ndash; I.V.A.N. ===Minor=== * [[Uzo Aduba]] &ndash; Alisha Hawthorne * [[w:Efren Ramirez|Efren Ramirez]] &ndash; Airman Diaz * [[w:Isiah Whitlock Jr.|Isiah Whitlock Jr.]] &ndash; Commander Burnside * [[w:Tim Peake|Tim Peake]] &ndash; Tim from [[w:Mission control center|Mission Control]] * [[w:Bill Hader|Bill Hader]] &ndash; Featheringhamstan ==External links== * {{imdb title|10298810|Lightyear}} {{wikipedia}} {{Toy Story}} [[Category:2022 films]] [[Category:2020s American animated films]] [[Category:Film spin-offs]] [[Category:Prequel films]] [[Category:American computer-animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated action films]] [[Category:American children's animated science fiction films]] [[Category:American children's animated space adventure films]] [[Category:American children's animated superhero films]] [[Category:Theatrically released animated superhero films]] [[Category:Action adventure films]] [[Category:Animated films about robots]] [[Category:Science fiction films]] [[Category:Extraterrestrial life films]] [[Category:Films about astronauts]] [[Category:Animated films about time travel]] [[Category:Toy Story]] dq4e1xrolmafl0f6h12aji6flr4nx2r 0 249290 3152929 3141152 2022-08-09T14:50:01Z A23423413 3125316 adds wikitext text/x-wiki '''Elizabeth Yeampierre''' is a [[Puerto Rico|Puerto Rican]] [[law|attorney]] and [[environmentalism|environmental]] [[Social justice|justice leader]] of [[Africa|African]] and indigenous [[ancestry]], born and raised in [[New York City]]. == Quotes == * Today, companies in the Climate Leadership Council—BP, ExxonMobil, ConocoPhillips—are going into the Global South to provide resources to these communities so that they can engage in sequestration. To me, that's green colonialism. You basically have these companies that are responsible for creating the conditions the Global South is enduring now benefiting from this. ** [https://hunterurbanreview.commons.gc.cuny.edu/winds-of-change/ 2021 interview] with Hunter Urban Review * Another example of green colonialism is what happens to a community when you have invested in environmental amenities, like doubling the amount of open space, expanding the median on Fourth Avenue, reducing emissions—doing all the things to make the community more environmentally sound. All of a sudden the community can't afford to live here anymore. The people that benefit are not [from] our community. ** [https://hunterurbanreview.commons.gc.cuny.edu/winds-of-change/ 2021 interview] with Hunter Urban Review === [https://atmos.earth/elizabeth-yeampierre-climate-justice-interview/ Interview] with Atmos (2021) === * Women's History Month, for me, is like Black History Month in the sense that it's every day. It's not just a month, but it's a life. And it makes me think about my maternal ancestors. It makes me think about all the women who mentored me on my journey to the work that I'm doing and played such a major part in my development, my political understanding, and my cultural grounding. It makes me think about all of them, and I hope that everything that I do honors them. * We're the descendants of enslavement and colonization, we are people who come from people who've always honored Mother Earth. This climate justice work is just an extension of us honoring those traditions. * We try really hard to not only make sure that we're centered on the matriarchal, but that we are willing to engage in self-transformation. To be introspective and to challenge each other and ourselves; to be not only accountable to each other but to be tender and kind. That may sound like the soft stuff, but that's hard stuff when you think about how colonized we've been and what our education has prepared us to be. * When I first came into the environmental justice movement, it felt very patriarchal. And it felt patriarchal coming from women, too, where it was competitive and everybody was sort of jousting to be at the front of the room and get all the shine. It doesn't feel the same in the climate justice space. Everyone shares shine. Everybody shares leadership. * New York City is like the bastion of capitalism and patriarchy. * It's really important that the movement be intergenerational. * The conventional, dated, old ways of thinking will not be able to address the challenges of climate change. * When I was little, my hero was Lolita Lebrón. And then growing up, Antonia Pantoja, Iris Morales, Esmeralda Simmons, Marta Moreno Vega, Esperanza Martell… These are all women who, from the time I was in my late teens through now, mentored me and guided me—who would pull my coat, who would give me a different perspective. I try to be to another generation of women what they were to me. Through storytelling, they would sit down with me and walk me through all kinds of scenarios so that I would be able to anchor myself culturally and politically. And I will always be in deep gratitude for them because they were my education. They were so necessary for my political development—and also for my fearlessness. I would add my mom to that. They did that for me as a young woman. Lolita Lebron was a fighter for independence of Puerto Rico. I, as a little girl, wanted to be able to lead a revolution for freedom in Puerto Rico. Little kids have different dreams, but when I was eight-years old, I'm watching the Young Lords on TV, and I'm hearing about Lolita Lebrón, and I was like That's who I want to be. Antonia Pantoja passed away. She was the creator of a lot of our institutions. Marta Moreno Vega founded a bunch of institutions. Iris Morales was a Young Lord. Esperanza Martell is a healer and a shaman in our community. * I think that people sometimes think of mentoring as something that older women do for younger women. They don't realize that we really do learn from each other across generations. There are times when I'm in a space with someone who's 19 years old or much younger than me, and I'm listening and learning and changing. I've changed the way that I communicate. I've changed the way that I think about gender. I've changed the way that I think about so many things because younger people have taught me. * Young people come with hope and with a renewed vision of a future that transforms. * We won't have power if we don't have intergenerational power. That's not just rhetoric. We can solve problems when we're together. === ''AOC: The Fearless Rise and Powerful Resonance of Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez'' edited by Lynda Lopez (2020)=== * AOC embodies the kind of leadership we dream of: brilliant, courageous, and gifted, with a quick mind and an understanding of our history and the political moment from which she emerged. And most importantly to me, she believes in environmental justice. * I didn't come to this work with a degree in environmental policy. It happened organically: as a child, my family was displaced so often that I went to eight schools in five years. I remember walking past the burning embers on Simpson Street in the South Bronx. I had no idea then that we were living in the midst of brownfields, contaminated lots with lead, asbestos, PCBs, arsenic, and other toxics and toxicants that seeped through our walls as fugitive dust and landed in our developing lungs. Families like mine all over New York City were the targets of government and developer-driven-planned shrinkage public policies created to deny our communities basic services in order to encourage our departure. The New York City environmental justice movement was born and raised in the midst of this rubble. * Climate change is unlike any other threat in our history. It will test us in unimaginable ways. It demands leadership that celebrates difference, sees the frontline as partners in decision-making, and is willing to exercise courage for all of us. == Quotes about Elizabeth Yeampierre == == External links == * [https://twitter.com/yeampierre Twitter] {{DEFAULTSORT:(Yeampierre, Elizabeth)}} [[Category:Puerto Ricans]] [[Category:Lawyers from the United States]] [[Category:Environmentalists]] [[Category:Social justice]] [[Category:African Americans]] [[Category:Native Americans]] [[Category:People from New York City]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:American women]] keu6wkpufl84rf8qhqf9wc34hroqmqv 4 249475 3152897 3150587 2022-08-09T12:11:10Z Alexis Jazz 77985 Updating gadget usage statistics from [[Special:GadgetUsage]] ([[phab:T121049]]) wikitext text/x-wiki {{#ifexist:Project:GUS2Wiki/top|{{/top}}|This page provides a historical record of [[Special:GadgetUsage]] through its page history. To get the data in CSV format, see wikitext. To customize this message or add categories, create [[/top]].}} The following data is cached, and was last updated 2022-08-07T22:47:19Z. A maximum of {{PLURAL:5000|one result is|5000 results are}} available in the cache. {| class="sortable wikitable" ! Gadget !! data-sort-type="number" | Number of users !! data-sort-type="number" | Active users |- |Cat-a-lot || 86 || 10 |- |CleanDeleteReasons || 146 || 2 |- |EnhancedInterwikis || 309 || 5 |- |HideFundraisingNotice || 311 || 9 |- |HighlightAdmins || 420 || 7 |- |HotCat || 690 || 31 |- |UTCLiveClock || 588 || 10 |- |edittop || 474 || 11 |- |exlinks || 395 || 6 |- |hideimages || 54 || 0 |- |newpagesbox || 281 || 6 |- |recentchangesbox || 268 || 4 |- |sysopdectector || 430 || 11 |- |userMessages || 217 || 6 |} * [[Special:GadgetUsage]] * [[m:Meta:GUS2Wiki/Script|GUS2Wiki]] <!-- data in CSV format: Cat-a-lot,86,10 CleanDeleteReasons,146,2 EnhancedInterwikis,309,5 HideFundraisingNotice,311,9 HighlightAdmins,420,7 HotCat,690,31 UTCLiveClock,588,10 edittop,474,11 exlinks,395,6 hideimages,54,0 newpagesbox,281,6 recentchangesbox,268,4 sysopdectector,430,11 userMessages,217,6 --> qw5xosw7gu1uxejdvhxbam0cm8l4fzw 4 249526 3153037 3145602 2022-08-09T23:06:00Z Ningauble 39526 Keep wikitext text/x-wiki {{#ifeq:{{NAMESPACE}}|Wikiquote| |{{error:not substituted|vfd-new2}}<div style="display:none;">}} == [[:Template:Vfd-template-new]] == Worse version of {{tld|vfd-new}} – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 16:19, 20 July 2022 (UTC) :'''Delete''' as nominator. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 17:35, 20 July 2022 (UTC) <small>'''Vote closes''': 17:00, 27 July 2022 (UTC)</small> * '''Delete''' - I believe this was originally created as a test anyway - and I agree that the original template is better. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 17:22, 20 July 2022 (UTC) *:'''Comment''' This was ''not'' at test page. The template was adapted by [[User:LrdChaos|LrdChaos]] from the "old" [[:Template:Vfd-template]] by [[user:Jeffq|Jeffq]], which was itself adapted from Wikipedia's similar inline template. It works fine. ~ [[User:Ningauble|Ningauble]] ([[User talk:Ningauble|talk]]) 23:05, 9 August 2022 (UTC) * '''Keep''' or '''Merge''' into {{tl|vfd-new}}. The point of this template is that it produces a smaller banner when you transcude a page nominated for deletion, so that you don't get massive, disruptive banners in the middle of other pages. With a bit of work this functionality could be added to the existing {{tl|vfd-new}} template though, so that when you view the page that is nominated for deletion it produces a full size banner, and when you view a page transcluding that page you get a small unobtrusive link. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 18:08, 20 July 2022 (UTC) ::I don't mind if improvements can be made to the existing template - just don't need two of them. And my issue with this template is that it is too small (and hard to read IMHO). But I am all for your suggestions to improve the current one (I'm just not technically savvy enough to implement them). ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:52, 21 July 2022 (UTC) :::@[[User:UDScott|UDScott]] When nominating templates for deletion there are extra things you have to take into consideration that don't apply to other types of pages, the big one is that templates are transcluded into other places. The reason that this template is small is that it is supposed to appear unobtrusively on the pages where the template nominated for deletion is ''used''. The other thing is that the page where the deletion banner appears isn't necessarily the page that is being nominated for deletion, if page "foo" uses template "bar" then the deletion notice that appears on page "bar" needs to point to Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:foo, the standard {{tl|vfd-new}} template would assume that the link is supposed to go to Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/bar. :::My suggestion is that this should be kept as a separate template due to the amount of template specific stuff needed, but modified. It would be relatively trivial to edit this template so that when you look at the page of the template nominated for deletion you get a full size banner, but when you look at pages where the template is used you get a small, unobtrusive note (so in the example above "template:foo" would get a full size banner, page "bar" would get a small inline note "template:foo used here has been nominated for deletion"). [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 17:08, 21 July 2022 (UTC) *:Other things to consider - {{tl|vfd-new}} uses the current page name which means it doesn't link to the right place when used on templates. If you have "template:foo" used on page "bar" when you look at the template on page "bar" it will tell you that "bar" has been nominated for deletion, instead of "template:foo", and all the links in the template will lead to a votes for deletion page for the page "bar". [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 18:52, 20 July 2022 (UTC) *'''Keep''' for technical reasons explained at length by [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] above, at least unless and until some new and improved ''combined'' functionality is implemented. See a current example of intended usage on [[:Template:Tv.com person]] with many [[Special:WhatLinksHere/Template:Tv.com_person|transclusions]]. See also brief discussion of usage at [[User:Ningauble/Useful/VFD tips#Non-article pages|VFD tips#Non-article pages]]. ~ [[User:Ningauble|Ningauble]] ([[User talk:Ningauble|talk]]) 23:05, 9 August 2022 (UTC) scdf0aovmmn0gyf4w2le72djneh2s7o 4 249563 3153048 3145692 2022-08-09T23:33:39Z Ningauble 39526 whut? wikitext text/x-wiki {{#ifeq:{{NAMESPACE}}|Wikiquote| |{{error:not substituted|vfd-new2}}<div style="display:none;">}} == [[:Template:Always substitute]] == A template that has been copied from the English wikipedia which does not work because it relies on a bot that does not run on this project. On the English wikipedia AnomieBOT can be configured to automatically perform certain operations on templates, e.g. adding dates to maintenance tags and substituting transuded templates. This template is used by that bot to indicate that templates are to be automatically substituted if they are accidentally transuded. The issue here is that AnomieBOT only runs on the English wikipedia. There is no point copying templates that form part of that bot's internal workings to this project, there is no point adding notes that "Any accidental transclusions will be automatically substituted by a bot." to templates, and there is no point sorting templates into categories like [[:Category:Wikipedia templates to be automatically substituted]] because the bot that actually performs that work does not edit here. — [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 18:10, 21 July 2022 (UTC) :Fixed. – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 18:34, 21 July 2022 (UTC) ::Well no, not really. It still sorts pages into broken and missing categories, it still contains code to call templates and pages that don't exist on this wiki, and it is still completely unnecessary because it's part of a bot workflow that doesn't exist on this wiki. [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 19:03, 21 July 2022 (UTC) :::Fully fixed now. Can you withdraw? – [[User:Ilovemydoodle|Ilovemydoodle]] (Not a sockpuppet) ([[User_talk:Ilovemydoodle|talk]] / [[Special:EmailUser/User:Ilovemydoodle|e-mail]]) 19:21, 21 July 2022 (UTC) :::: How is this functionality fixed? Where exactly is the bot running? ~ [[User:Ningauble|Ningauble]] ([[User talk:Ningauble|talk]]) 23:33, 9 August 2022 (UTC) <small>'''Vote closes''': 19:00, 28 July 2022 (UTC)</small> 4veen32n5yo1tpttoa7t90aoqjbuyfx 0 249720 3152922 3150644 2022-08-09T13:57:57Z CharlesTheMug 3128164 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Robert Rubin headshot.jpg|thumb|Robert Rubin]] '''[[w:Robert Rubin|Robert Edward Rubin]]''' (born August 29, 1938) is an American retired banking executive, lawyer, and former government official. He served as the 70th [[w:United States Secretary of the Treasury|United States Secretary of the Treasury]] during the [[w:Presidency of Bill Clinton|Clinton administration]]. Before his government service, he spent 26 years at [[w:Goldman Sachs|Goldman Sachs]], eventually serving as a member of the board and co-chairman from 1990 to 1992. Rubin was a founder of [[w:The Hamilton Project|The Hamilton Project]], an economic policy think tank that produces research and proposals on how to create a growing economy that benefits more Americans. He is co-chairman emeritus of the [[w:Council on Foreign Relations|Council on Foreign Relations]]. Rubin also serves as chairman of the board of the [[w:Local Initiatives Support Corporation|Local Initiatives Support Corporation]], a community development support organization. He serves as a trustee of [[w:Mount Sinai Health System|Mount Sinai Health System]]. Additionally, Rubin serves as a senior counselor at [[w:Centerview Partners|Centerview Partners]], an investment banking advisory firm based in New York City. And he has been member of the advisory board of the [[w:The Peter G. Peterson Foundation|Peter G. Peterson Foundation]]. {{political-stub}} == Quotes == * Internalizing the core tenet of Professor Demos’s teaching — weighing risk and analyzing odds and trade-offs — was central to everything I did professionally in the decades ahead in finance and government. ** [https://www.nytimes.com/2018/04/30/opinion/robert-e-rubin-philosophy.html "Robert E. Rubin: Philosophy Prepared Me for a Career in Finance and Government"], New York Times (April 30, 2018) *Some people I’ve encountered in various phases of my career seem more certain about everything than I am about anything. **[https://www.google.com/books/edition/In_an_Uncertain_World/oUz_orYBwPcC?hl=en&gbpv=0 "In an Uncertain World: Tough Choices from Wall Street to Washington"], p. xii *The only place people find fulfillment is within themselves. And too often, that's the last place they look. **[https://www.google.com/books/edition/In_an_Uncertain_World/oUz_orYBwPcC?hl=en&gbpv=0 "In an Uncertain World: Tough Choices from Wall Street to Washington"], p. 64 *We have an imperative need to address our unsustainable longer-term fiscal trajectory with sound economic policies. Few elected officials want to face this fact, but, at the very least, they should not make matters worse. **[https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/the-republican-tax-plans-five-worst-dangers/2017/11/15/b24029aa-ca2b-11e7-aa96-54417592cf72_story.html?utm_term=.41557e9e98cb "The Republican tax plan’s five worst dangers"], Washington Post (November 15, 2017) *Unconventional monetary policy and stimulus can be part of a successful economic programme for a period of time. But they are no substitute for fiscal discipline, public investment and structural reform. **[https://www.ft.com/content/867094a0-77b8-11e3-afc5-00144feabdc0#axzz2pqZ0MelC "Sound government finances will promote recovery"], Financial Times (January 8, 2014) *In the United States, refusal to confront a longer-term fiscal threat is not new. **[https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/americas-debt-has-exploded-why-does-no-one-care/2018/08/13/f1d96aee-9cdb-11e8-843b-36e177f3081c_story.html "America’s debt has exploded. Why does no one care?"], Washington Post (August 13, 2018) == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Rubin, Robert}} [[Category:United States Secretaries of the Treasury]] [[Category:Businesspeople from the United States]] [[Category:1938 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:American Jews]] [[Category:Harvard University alumni]] [[Category:Yale University alumni]] [[Category:People from New York City]] ouzz4ot18sfywn5f2c4l1cmyhc8lcvo 4 249820 3153049 3150236 2022-08-09T23:38:45Z Ningauble 39526 Delete wikitext text/x-wiki {{#ifeq:{{NAMESPACE}}|Wikiquote| |{{error:not substituted|vfd-new2}}<div style="display:none;">}} == [[:Template:Hang on/notice2]] == A single subpage of the "hang on" template from the English Wikipedia. This makes no sense here, the hang on template isn't used to contest speedy deletions on this project, the instructions make no sense (what button is there to click in the Wikiquote speedy deletion template) and I don't see why only one subpage was imported. — [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 11:35, 31 July 2022 (UTC) <small>'''Vote closes''': 12:00, 7 August 2022 (UTC)</small> * '''Delete''', per nom. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 13:06, 1 August 2022 (UTC) *'''Delete'''. This is useless, no context. ~ [[User:Ningauble|Ningauble]] ([[User talk:Ningauble|talk]]) 23:38, 9 August 2022 (UTC) ea8tr5ci85i9tyxzmm5npvh8zem4l2j 4 249821 3153050 3150237 2022-08-09T23:41:34Z Ningauble 39526 Delete wikitext text/x-wiki {{#ifeq:{{NAMESPACE}}|Wikiquote| |{{error:not substituted|vfd-new2}}<div style="display:none;">}} == [[:Category:Suspected sockpuppets]] == Useless category. To start with we already have [[:Category:Suspected Wikiquote sockpuppets]] which is basically identical in scope. The instructions at the top of the category refer to a deleted template and don't make sense anymore. The already existing [[:Category:Suspected Wikiquote sockpuppets]] is full of accounts that have been blocked on the basis of behavioural evidence. This category is full of accounts that haven't edited in years that Ilovemydoodle has accused of being sockpuppets, often without any real evidence, then tagged with one of their templates saying that someone else needs to figure out if they're sockpuppets or not. — [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 11:39, 31 July 2022 (UTC) <small>'''Vote closes''': 12:00, 7 August 2022 (UTC)</small> * '''Delete''', per nom. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 13:06, 1 August 2022 (UTC) *'''Delete''' per nom. ~ [[User:Ningauble|Ningauble]] ([[User talk:Ningauble|talk]]) 23:41, 9 August 2022 (UTC) myy4ca9btrvgx7cpyamm4igo16vwejz 4 249822 3153051 3150238 2022-08-09T23:44:28Z Ningauble 39526 Delete wikitext text/x-wiki {{#ifeq:{{NAMESPACE}}|Wikiquote| |{{error:not substituted|vfd-new2}}<div style="display:none;">}} == [[:Template:Sockpuppet/categorise]] == Template subpage copied from the English wikipedia which isn't used on this project. the Wikiquote implementation of {{tl|sockpuppet}} does not use this subpage. — [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 11:42, 31 July 2022 (UTC) <small>'''Vote closes''': 12:00, 7 August 2022 (UTC)</small> * '''Delete''', per nom. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 13:07, 1 August 2022 (UTC) *'''Delete''' per nom, does not work. ~ [[User:Ningauble|Ningauble]] ([[User talk:Ningauble|talk]]) 23:44, 9 August 2022 (UTC) m36skk4tlzi2uc532hhx2ko5a4p8te4 4 249823 3153054 3150408 2022-08-09T23:47:57Z Ningauble 39526 Delete wikitext text/x-wiki {{#ifeq:{{NAMESPACE}}|Wikiquote| |{{error:not substituted|vfd-new2}}<div style="display:none;">}} == [[:Template:Ping all administrators]] == I think it is worth having a discussion over whether this template should exist. On the one hand pinging all administrators is more justifiable than pinging all users, on the other hand this has the potential to become a massive nuisance. Most of the places where this has been used are patently inappropriate, it's been added into random templates like {{tl|bansock}}, and used to ping administrators for things that are in no way a site ending emergency. In a lot of situations where it had been used it seems like it would have been more appropriate to use a centralised administrative noticeboard like [[WQ:AN]] or [[WQ:VIP]] - if a situation only needs 1 administrator to resolve pinging all of them is just going to result in 90% of the admins wasting their time. If this is going to be kept it should only be used very sparingly in situations where every administrator is legitimately needed. — [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 11:49, 31 July 2022 (UTC) <small>'''Vote closes''': 12:00, 7 August 2022 (UTC)</small> * '''Delete''', per nom. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 13:08, 1 August 2022 (UTC) *'''Delete''' as unnecessary. [[User:Rubbish computer|''Rubbish computer'']] (''Ping me or leave a message on my'' [[User talk:Rubbish computer|''talk page'']]) 19:09, 1 August 2022 (UTC) *'''Delete'''. Just a nuisance. ~ [[User:Ningauble|Ningauble]] ([[User talk:Ningauble|talk]]) 23:47, 9 August 2022 (UTC) 51pif8lykx7n8dgdg3di5edfnf7cxls 4 249824 3153055 3150241 2022-08-09T23:51:03Z Ningauble 39526 Delete wikitext text/x-wiki {{#ifeq:{{NAMESPACE}}|Wikiquote| |{{error:not substituted|vfd-new2}}<div style="display:none;">}} == [[:Template:Election results]] == This is for [[Template:Election results]], [[Module:Election results]], [[Module:Political party]] and [[Special:Prefixindex/Module:Political party|all the subpages]] of that module. It isn't at all clear to me why a compendium of quotations would need templates for creating election results tables. This seems out of project scope and better suited to wikipedia. This template is used in one place, a discussion on the village pump, where it was used to give a running tally of how people had "voted". The table there is obnoxiously big and disruptive, unnecessary, and illustrates a complete lack of understanding of how consensus works (consensus != counting votes). Furthermore it is completely unnecessary to have a massive nest of complex modules, templates and lua data structures to produce a 1 off table with some fancy colouring, I propose removing the single use of this or replacing it with a plain table, and deleting this template. — [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 11:57, 31 July 2022 (UTC) <small>'''Vote closes''': 12:00, 7 August 2022 (UTC)</small> * '''Delete''', per nom. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 13:09, 1 August 2022 (UTC) *'''Delete'''. "...obnoxiously big and disruptive, unnecessary, and illustrates a complete lack of understanding of how consensus works...". ~ [[User:Ningauble|Ningauble]] ([[User talk:Ningauble|talk]]) 23:50, 9 August 2022 (UTC) sdo6cjnssazwrcn7niir7v07r8ruz6f 4 249825 3153039 3150242 2022-08-09T23:08:53Z Ningauble 39526 Delete wikitext text/x-wiki {{#ifeq:{{NAMESPACE}}|Wikiquote| |{{error:not substituted|vfd-new2}}<div style="display:none;">}} == [[:Template:Tv.com person]] == This should be deleted for the same reason that [[Template:Tv.com show]] was deleted, Tv.com no longer exists and all the links this template produces are dead. — [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 11:59, 31 July 2022 (UTC) <small>'''Vote closes''': 12:00, 7 August 2022 (UTC)</small> * '''Delete''' - no longer needed. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 13:09, 1 August 2022 (UTC) *'''Delete''' as at [[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Template:Tv.com show]] ~ [[User:Ningauble|Ningauble]] ([[User talk:Ningauble|talk]]) 23:08, 9 August 2022 (UTC) ccdt9uner3wflti1q53x0nyfv7iod5b 4 249861 3153056 3150769 2022-08-09T23:55:03Z Ningauble 39526 Delete or Speedy wikitext text/x-wiki {{#ifeq:{{NAMESPACE}}|Wikiquote| |{{error:not substituted|vfd-new2}}<div style="display:none;">}} == [[:Template:Film-cleanup/doc]] == Documentation page that has been copied from the English wikipedia which has no relation to the template it is attached to, and which hasn't been localised. Everything here is wrong and/or doesn't make sense on this project. The name of the template, the date format used, the categories you are supposed to check, the information on bots, and the linked policies are all incorrect. — [[Special:Contributions/192.76.8.85|192.76.8.85]] 18:21, 2 August 2022 (UTC) <small>'''Vote closes''': 19:00, 9 August 2022 (UTC)</small> * '''Delete''', per nom. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 19:34, 2 August 2022 (UTC) *'''Delete''', could be '''''Speedy'' Delete''' as purely false and misinformation. ~ [[User:Ningauble|Ningauble]] ([[User talk:Ningauble|talk]]) 23:54, 9 August 2022 (UTC) m2qnjs52zj4zperxa7s4bt17xzao4fu 0 249936 3153020 3152003 2022-08-09T22:30:00Z Kalki 71 add a few quotes — will be adding more within the next day or so... wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Thesandman-logo.svg|thumb|I am the King of Dreams … and Nightmares.]] {{italic title}} '''''[[w:The Sandman (TV series)|The Sandman]]''''' is an American fantasy drama television series based on [[w:The Sandman (comic book)|the 1989–1996 comic book]] written by [[Neil Gaiman]] and published by DC Comics. The series was developed by Gaiman, [[w:David S. Goyer|David S. Goyer]], and [[w:Allan Heinberg|Allan Heinberg]] for the streaming service Netflix, and is produced by DC Entertainment and Warner Bros. Television. : See also: :: [[The Sandman (comic book)|'''''The Sandman''''' (comic book)]] == Morpheus == * '''We begin in the waking world … which humanity insists on calling the real world; as if your dreams have no effect upon the choices you make.''' <br /> You mortals go about your work, your loves, your wars, as if your waking lives are ''all'' that matter. <br /> But there is another life which awaits you when you close your eyes — and enter my realm. <br /> For '''I am the King of Dreams … and Nightmares.''' <br /> When the waking world leaves you wanting and weary, sleep brings you here to find freedom and adventure. To face your fears and fantasies in Dreams and Nightmares that I create; and which I must control, lest they consume and destroy you. <br /> That is my purpose and my function. <br /> Or it was, until I left my kingdom to pursue a rogue Nightmare. * I was powerless, trapped by a spell cast by an amateur with no concern for the damage he had done to my realm and to his own.<!-- For the following morning, there were some sleepers who could not wake up. --> * Day after day, he pleaded for gifts that are not mankind's to receive nor mine to give. So I remained silent. * I will not have Dreams and Nightmares preying on the waking world. I will bring them all back. I made this realm once, Lucienne. I will make it again. == Sleep of the Just [1.1] == :'''Lucienne''': My Lord, you are coming back, aren't you? :'''Morpheus''': Why would I not return, Lucienne? :'''Lucienne''': I don't know, a presentiment. As powerful as you are here in your realm, Dreams rarely survive in the waking world. Nightmares, on the other hand, seem to thrive there. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Corinthian (comics)|Corinthian]]''': There are benefits to keeping one of [[w:Endless (comics)|The Endless]] close. :'''Roderick Burgess''': The Endless? :'''Corinthian''': Did you think Death was the only one in charge? The Reaper has family, you know. Desire, Destiny, Despair. :'''Roderick Burgess''': Which one have I got then? :'''Corinthian''': Dream. :'''Roderick Burgess''': What's the good of a god who governs dreams? :'''Corinthian''': Not a god. More than a god. And are men not governed by their dreams? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Alex Burgess''': It's… it's ''you''. You're… you're free. :'''Morpheus''': I am. And do you have any idea what it was like? Confined in a cage for over a century? Do you understand the damage you've done to your world? :'''Lucienne''': You're home, my Lord. :'''Morpheus''': I am. :'''Lucienne''': Forgive me, sir, but … the realm, the palace they are not as you left them. :'''Morpheus''': What happened here? Who did this? :'''Lucienne''': My Lord, you are The Dreaming, The Dreaming is you. With you gone as long as you were, the realm began to decay and crumble. <!-- == Imperfect Hosts [1.2] == <hr width="50%"/> == Dream a Little Dream of Me [1.3] == <hr width="50%"/> == A Hope in Hell [1.4] == <hr width="50%"/> == 24 & 7 [1.5] == <hr width="50%"/> == The Sound of Her Wings [1.6] == <hr width="50%"/> == The Dolls House [1.7] == <hr width="50%"/> == Playing House [1.8] == <hr width="50%"/> == Collectors [1.9] == <hr width="50%"/> == Lost Hearts [1.10] == <hr width="50%"/> --> == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{commonscat}} * [https://www.netflix.com/title/81150303 Official site at Netflix] * [https://www.imdb.com/title/tt1751634/ San∂man at IMDb] {{DEFAULTSORT:Sandman (TV Series), The}} [[Category:2020s American drama TV shows]] [[Category:2020s American horror TV shows]] [[Category:2020s American mystery TV shows]] [[Category:2020s American supernatural TV shows]] [[Category:Current shows]] [[Category:Netflix shows]] 1c5gys6whvs3j5yjc59b0k39ksdzl8w 3153021 3153020 2022-08-09T22:33:01Z Kalki 71 /* Sleep of the Just [1.1] */ wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Thesandman-logo.svg|thumb|I am the King of Dreams … and Nightmares.]] {{italic title}} '''''[[w:The Sandman (TV series)|The Sandman]]''''' is an American fantasy drama television series based on [[w:The Sandman (comic book)|the 1989–1996 comic book]] written by [[Neil Gaiman]] and published by DC Comics. The series was developed by Gaiman, [[w:David S. Goyer|David S. Goyer]], and [[w:Allan Heinberg|Allan Heinberg]] for the streaming service Netflix, and is produced by DC Entertainment and Warner Bros. Television. : See also: :: [[The Sandman (comic book)|'''''The Sandman''''' (comic book)]] == Morpheus == * '''We begin in the waking world … which humanity insists on calling the real world; as if your dreams have no effect upon the choices you make.''' <br /> You mortals go about your work, your loves, your wars, as if your waking lives are ''all'' that matter. <br /> But there is another life which awaits you when you close your eyes — and enter my realm. <br /> For '''I am the King of Dreams … and Nightmares.''' <br /> When the waking world leaves you wanting and weary, sleep brings you here to find freedom and adventure. To face your fears and fantasies in Dreams and Nightmares that I create; and which I must control, lest they consume and destroy you. <br /> That is my purpose and my function. <br /> Or it was, until I left my kingdom to pursue a rogue Nightmare. * I was powerless, trapped by a spell cast by an amateur with no concern for the damage he had done to my realm and to his own.<!-- For the following morning, there were some sleepers who could not wake up. --> * Day after day, he pleaded for gifts that are not mankind's to receive nor mine to give. So I remained silent. * I will not have Dreams and Nightmares preying on the waking world. I will bring them all back. I made this realm once, Lucienne. I will make it again. == Sleep of the Just [1.1] == :'''Lucienne''': My Lord, you are coming back, aren't you? :'''Morpheus''': Why would I not return, Lucienne? :'''Lucienne''': I don't know, a presentiment. As powerful as you are here in your realm, Dreams rarely survive in the waking world. Nightmares, on the other hand, seem to thrive there. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Corinthian (comics)|Corinthian]]''': There are benefits to keeping one of [[w:Endless (comics)|The Endless]] close. :'''Roderick Burgess''': The Endless? :'''Corinthian''': Did you think Death was the only one in charge? The Reaper has family, you know. Desire, Destiny, Despair. :'''Roderick Burgess''': Which one have I got then? :'''Corinthian''': Dream. :'''Roderick Burgess''': What's the good of a god who governs dreams? :'''Corinthian''': Not a god. More than a god. And are men not governed by their dreams? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Alex Burgess''': It's… it's ''you''. You're… you're free. :'''Morpheus''': I am. <br /> And do you have any idea what it was like? Confined in a cage for over a century? <br /> Do you understand the damage you've done to your world? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lucienne''': You're home, my Lord. :'''Morpheus''': I am. :'''Lucienne''': Forgive me, sir, but … the realm, the palace they are not as you left them. :'''Morpheus''': What happened here? Who did this? :'''Lucienne''': My Lord, you are The Dreaming, The Dreaming is you. With you gone as long as you were, the realm began to decay and crumble. <!-- == Imperfect Hosts [1.2] == <hr width="50%"/> == Dream a Little Dream of Me [1.3] == <hr width="50%"/> == A Hope in Hell [1.4] == <hr width="50%"/> == 24 & 7 [1.5] == <hr width="50%"/> == The Sound of Her Wings [1.6] == <hr width="50%"/> == The Dolls House [1.7] == <hr width="50%"/> == Playing House [1.8] == <hr width="50%"/> == Collectors [1.9] == <hr width="50%"/> == Lost Hearts [1.10] == <hr width="50%"/> --> == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{commonscat}} * [https://www.netflix.com/title/81150303 Official site at Netflix] * [https://www.imdb.com/title/tt1751634/ San∂man at IMDb] {{DEFAULTSORT:Sandman (TV Series), The}} [[Category:2020s American drama TV shows]] [[Category:2020s American horror TV shows]] [[Category:2020s American mystery TV shows]] [[Category:2020s American supernatural TV shows]] [[Category:Current shows]] [[Category:Netflix shows]] fd8fhydx2clsqy0thgdg0w3lllzlq3w 3153036 3153021 2022-08-09T23:02:57Z Kalki 71 add a few wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Thesandman-logo.svg|thumb|I am the King of Dreams … and Nightmares.]] {{italic title}} '''''[[w:The Sandman (TV series)|The Sandman]]''''' is an American fantasy drama television series based on [[w:The Sandman (comic book)|the 1989–1996 comic book]] written by [[Neil Gaiman]] and published by DC Comics. The series was developed by Gaiman, [[w:David S. Goyer|David S. Goyer]], and [[w:Allan Heinberg|Allan Heinberg]] for the streaming service Netflix, and is produced by DC Entertainment and Warner Bros. Television. : See also: :: [[The Sandman (comic book)|'''''The Sandman''''' (comic book)]] == Morpheus == * '''We begin in the waking world … which humanity insists on calling the real world; as if your dreams have no effect upon the choices you make.''' <br /> You mortals go about your work, your loves, your wars, as if your waking lives are ''all'' that matter. <br /> But there is another life which awaits you when you close your eyes — and enter my realm. <br /> For '''I am the King of Dreams … and Nightmares.''' <br /> When the waking world leaves you wanting and weary, sleep brings you here to find freedom and adventure. To face your fears and fantasies in Dreams and Nightmares that I create; and which I must control, lest they consume and destroy you. <br /> That is my purpose and my function. <br /> Or it was, until I left my kingdom to pursue a rogue Nightmare. * I was powerless, trapped by a spell cast by an amateur with no concern for the damage he had done to my realm and to his own.<!-- For the following morning, there were some sleepers who could not wake up. --> * Day after day, he pleaded for gifts that are not mankind's to receive nor mine to give. So I remained silent. * I will not have Dreams and Nightmares preying on the waking world. I will bring them all back. I made this realm once, Lucienne. I will make it again. == Sleep of the Just [1.1] == :'''Lucienne''': My Lord, you are coming back, aren't you? :'''Morpheus''': Why would I not return, Lucienne? :'''Lucienne''': I don't know, a presentiment. As powerful as you are here in your realm, Dreams rarely survive in the waking world. Nightmares, on the other hand, seem to thrive there. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Corinthian (comics)|Corinthian]]''': There are benefits to keeping one of [[w:Endless (comics)|The Endless]] close. :'''Roderick Burgess''': The Endless? :'''Corinthian''': Did you think Death was the only one in charge? The Reaper has family, you know. Desire, Destiny, Despair. :'''Roderick Burgess''': Which one have I got then? :'''Corinthian''': Dream. :'''Roderick Burgess''': What's the good of a god who governs dreams? :'''Corinthian''': Not a god. More than a god. And are men not governed by their dreams? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Alex Burgess''': It's… it's ''you''. You're… you're free. :'''Morpheus''': I am. <br /> And do you have any idea what it was like? Confined in a cage for over a century? <br /> Do you understand the damage you've done to your world? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lucienne''': You're home, my Lord. :'''Morpheus''': I am. :'''Lucienne''': Forgive me, sir, but … the realm, the palace they are not as you left them. :'''Morpheus''': What happened here? Who did this? :'''Lucienne''': My Lord, you are The Dreaming, The Dreaming is you. With you gone as long as you were, the realm began to decay and crumble. == Imperfect Hosts [1.2] == :'''Lucienne''': I kept a journal for a while. A chronicle of everything that happened in your absence. But slowly, the words began to fade. Sometime after you left, all the books in the library became bound volumes of blank paper. The next day, the whole library was gone. I never found it again. :'''Morpheus''': And yet you remained while others fled, the royal librarian of an abandoned kingdom. :'''Lucienne''': I never felt abandoned. I knew you would return. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lucienne''': You need rest, my Lord. And food and perhaps a bit more rest, and then you'll be back at full strength. :'''Morpheus''': No. Not without my tools. :'''Lucienne''': Your tools? :'''Morpheus''': My sand, my helm, my ruby. :'''Lucienne''': Why? What happened to them? :'''Morpheus''': They were taken from me. By my captors. And then taken from them I know not where. Nor what I am without them. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Corinthian''': Do you remember the being Roderick Burgess kept caged in his basement? Hmm? King of Dreams? :'''Ethel Cripps''': You're one of his? :'''Corinthian''': I'm my own man now. With your help, I intend to stay that way. :'''Ethel Cripps''': Why do you need my help? :'''Corinthian''': Because he's out of his cage and he's coming for us. You and me. :'''Ethel Cripps''': Why me? I never did anything to him. :'''Corinthian''': Oh, you did though, Ethel. You stole from him. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ethel Cripps''': When I left Roderick, I traded the sand and the helm for my life in America. :'''Corinthian''': And the ruby? :'''Ethel Cripps''': The ruby … As you know, it does have the power to make dreams come true. But it also makes nightmares come true. My son, John, took the ruby from me and then the ruby took John. <!-- == Dream a Little Dream of Me [1.3] == <hr width="50%"/> == A Hope in Hell [1.4] == <hr width="50%"/> == 24 & 7 [1.5] == <hr width="50%"/> == The Sound of Her Wings [1.6] == <hr width="50%"/> == The Dolls House [1.7] == <hr width="50%"/> == Playing House [1.8] == <hr width="50%"/> == Collectors [1.9] == <hr width="50%"/> == Lost Hearts [1.10] == <hr width="50%"/> --> == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{commonscat}} * [https://www.netflix.com/title/81150303 Official site at Netflix] * [https://www.imdb.com/title/tt1751634/ San∂man at IMDb] {{DEFAULTSORT:Sandman (TV Series), The}} [[Category:2020s American drama TV shows]] [[Category:2020s American horror TV shows]] [[Category:2020s American mystery TV shows]] [[Category:2020s American supernatural TV shows]] [[Category:Current shows]] [[Category:Netflix shows]] 767y2cfzgblnzm1n0y1r3tumb3vjiy7 3153042 3153036 2022-08-09T23:16:14Z Kalki 71 add a couple wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Thesandman-logo.svg|thumb|I am the King of Dreams … and Nightmares.]] {{italic title}} '''''[[w:The Sandman (TV series)|The Sandman]]''''' is an American fantasy drama television series based on [[w:The Sandman (comic book)|the 1989–1996 comic book]] written by [[Neil Gaiman]] and published by DC Comics. The series was developed by Gaiman, [[w:David S. Goyer|David S. Goyer]], and [[w:Allan Heinberg|Allan Heinberg]] for the streaming service Netflix, and is produced by DC Entertainment and Warner Bros. Television. : See also: :: [[The Sandman (comic book)|'''''The Sandman''''' (comic book)]] == Morpheus == * '''We begin in the waking world … which humanity insists on calling the real world; as if your dreams have no effect upon the choices you make.''' <br /> You mortals go about your work, your loves, your wars, as if your waking lives are ''all'' that matter. <br /> But there is another life which awaits you when you close your eyes — and enter my realm. <br /> For '''I am the King of Dreams … and Nightmares.''' <br /> When the waking world leaves you wanting and weary, sleep brings you here to find freedom and adventure. To face your fears and fantasies in Dreams and Nightmares that I create; and which I must control, lest they consume and destroy you. <br /> That is my purpose and my function. <br /> Or it was, until I left my kingdom to pursue a rogue Nightmare. * I was powerless, trapped by a spell cast by an amateur with no concern for the damage he had done to my realm and to his own.<!-- For the following morning, there were some sleepers who could not wake up. --> * Day after day, he pleaded for gifts that are not mankind's to receive nor mine to give. So I remained silent. * I will not have Dreams and Nightmares preying on the waking world. I will bring them all back. I made this realm once, Lucienne. I will make it again. == Sleep of the Just [1.1] == :'''Lucienne''': My Lord, you are coming back, aren't you? :'''Morpheus''': Why would I not return, Lucienne? :'''Lucienne''': I don't know, a presentiment. As powerful as you are here in your realm, Dreams rarely survive in the waking world. Nightmares, on the other hand, seem to thrive there. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Corinthian (comics)|Corinthian]]''': There are benefits to keeping one of [[w:Endless (comics)|The Endless]] close. :'''Roderick Burgess''': The Endless? :'''Corinthian''': Did you think Death was the only one in charge? The Reaper has family, you know. Desire, Destiny, Despair. :'''Roderick Burgess''': Which one have I got then? :'''Corinthian''': Dream. :'''Roderick Burgess''': What's the good of a god who governs dreams? :'''Corinthian''': Not a god. More than a god. And are men not governed by their dreams? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Alex Burgess''': It's… it's ''you''. You're… you're free. :'''Morpheus''': I am. <br /> And do you have any idea what it was like? Confined in a cage for over a century? <br /> Do you understand the damage you've done to your world? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lucienne''': You're home, my Lord. :'''Morpheus''': I am. :'''Lucienne''': Forgive me, sir, but … the realm, the palace they are not as you left them. :'''Morpheus''': What happened here? Who did this? :'''Lucienne''': My Lord, you are The Dreaming, The Dreaming is you. With you gone as long as you were, the realm began to decay and crumble. == Imperfect Hosts [1.2] == :'''Lucienne''': I kept a journal for a while. A chronicle of everything that happened in your absence. But slowly, the words began to fade. Sometime after you left, all the books in the library became bound volumes of blank paper. The next day, the whole library was gone. I never found it again. :'''Morpheus''': And yet you remained while others fled, the royal librarian of an abandoned kingdom. :'''Lucienne''': I never felt abandoned. I knew you would return. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lucienne''': You need rest, my Lord. And food and perhaps a bit more rest, and then you'll be back at full strength. :'''Morpheus''': No. Not without my tools. :'''Lucienne''': Your tools? :'''Morpheus''': My sand, my helm, my ruby. :'''Lucienne''': Why? What happened to them? :'''Morpheus''': They were taken from me. By my captors. And then taken from them I know not where. Nor what I am without them. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Corinthian''': Do you remember the being Roderick Burgess kept caged in his basement? Hmm? King of Dreams? :'''Ethel Cripps''': You're one of his? :'''Corinthian''': I'm my own man now. With your help, I intend to stay that way. :'''Ethel Cripps''': Why do you need my help? :'''Corinthian''': Because he's out of his cage and he's coming for us. You and me. :'''Ethel Cripps''': Why me? I never did anything to him. :'''Corinthian''': Oh, you did though, Ethel. You stole from him. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ethel Cripps''': When I left Roderick, I traded the sand and the helm for my life in America. :'''Corinthian''': And the ruby? :'''Ethel Cripps''': The ruby … As you know, it does have the power to make dreams come true. But it also makes nightmares come true. My son, John, took the ruby from me and then the ruby took John. == Dream a Little Dream of Me [1.3] == :'''Johanna Constantine''': What are you doing here, Hettie? :'''Mad Hettie''': Same as you, I expect. He's coming, isn't he? :'''Johanna Constantine''': Who? :'''Mad Hettie''': Yeah, well, you know who. Morpheus. The Oneiromancer. You know — ''the Sandman'' — he's back. :'''Johanna Constantine''': "The Sandman"? The one who puts the kids to sleep? He's a fairy story, Hettie. :'''Mad Hettie''': He's no fairy story, missy. He's back, and he wants his sand. :'''Johanna Constantine''': Good to know. I'm off to work. :'''Mad Hettie''': You'll see. I know. I'm 280 years old, and I know. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Johanna Constantine''': Tell me your name and I'll stop. :'''Agilieth''': Why would I do that? When there are far more enjoyable ways to make you stop. :'''Morpheus''': His name is Agilieth. I'm flattered you remember me, Lord Morpheus, after all your time away. :'''Johanna Constantine''': Lord Morpheus? :'''Agilieth''': He is. Though, I confess, I almost didn't recognize you without your helm. I wonder where your helm could be. :'''Morpheus''': I presume it is in Hell, with the demon to whom it was traded. :'''Agilieth''': Yes, but which demon? <!-- == A Hope in Hell [1.4] == <hr width="50%"/> == 24 & 7 [1.5] == <hr width="50%"/> == The Sound of Her Wings [1.6] == <hr width="50%"/> == The Dolls House [1.7] == <hr width="50%"/> == Playing House [1.8] == <hr width="50%"/> == Collectors [1.9] == <hr width="50%"/> == Lost Hearts [1.10] == <hr width="50%"/> --> == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{commonscat}} * [https://www.netflix.com/title/81150303 Official site at Netflix] * [https://www.imdb.com/title/tt1751634/ San∂man at IMDb] {{DEFAULTSORT:Sandman (TV Series), The}} [[Category:2020s American drama TV shows]] [[Category:2020s American horror TV shows]] [[Category:2020s American mystery TV shows]] [[Category:2020s American supernatural TV shows]] [[Category:Current shows]] [[Category:Netflix shows]] 67cjvr8ixdp6uajjw9yx9qen5l0vzj7 3153043 3153042 2022-08-09T23:17:03Z Kalki 71 /* Dream a Little Dream of Me [1.3] */ wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Thesandman-logo.svg|thumb|I am the King of Dreams … and Nightmares.]] {{italic title}} '''''[[w:The Sandman (TV series)|The Sandman]]''''' is an American fantasy drama television series based on [[w:The Sandman (comic book)|the 1989–1996 comic book]] written by [[Neil Gaiman]] and published by DC Comics. The series was developed by Gaiman, [[w:David S. Goyer|David S. Goyer]], and [[w:Allan Heinberg|Allan Heinberg]] for the streaming service Netflix, and is produced by DC Entertainment and Warner Bros. Television. : See also: :: [[The Sandman (comic book)|'''''The Sandman''''' (comic book)]] == Morpheus == * '''We begin in the waking world … which humanity insists on calling the real world; as if your dreams have no effect upon the choices you make.''' <br /> You mortals go about your work, your loves, your wars, as if your waking lives are ''all'' that matter. <br /> But there is another life which awaits you when you close your eyes — and enter my realm. <br /> For '''I am the King of Dreams … and Nightmares.''' <br /> When the waking world leaves you wanting and weary, sleep brings you here to find freedom and adventure. To face your fears and fantasies in Dreams and Nightmares that I create; and which I must control, lest they consume and destroy you. <br /> That is my purpose and my function. <br /> Or it was, until I left my kingdom to pursue a rogue Nightmare. * I was powerless, trapped by a spell cast by an amateur with no concern for the damage he had done to my realm and to his own.<!-- For the following morning, there were some sleepers who could not wake up. --> * Day after day, he pleaded for gifts that are not mankind's to receive nor mine to give. So I remained silent. * I will not have Dreams and Nightmares preying on the waking world. I will bring them all back. I made this realm once, Lucienne. I will make it again. == Sleep of the Just [1.1] == :'''Lucienne''': My Lord, you are coming back, aren't you? :'''Morpheus''': Why would I not return, Lucienne? :'''Lucienne''': I don't know, a presentiment. As powerful as you are here in your realm, Dreams rarely survive in the waking world. Nightmares, on the other hand, seem to thrive there. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Corinthian (comics)|Corinthian]]''': There are benefits to keeping one of [[w:Endless (comics)|The Endless]] close. :'''Roderick Burgess''': The Endless? :'''Corinthian''': Did you think Death was the only one in charge? The Reaper has family, you know. Desire, Destiny, Despair. :'''Roderick Burgess''': Which one have I got then? :'''Corinthian''': Dream. :'''Roderick Burgess''': What's the good of a god who governs dreams? :'''Corinthian''': Not a god. More than a god. And are men not governed by their dreams? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Alex Burgess''': It's… it's ''you''. You're… you're free. :'''Morpheus''': I am. <br /> And do you have any idea what it was like? Confined in a cage for over a century? <br /> Do you understand the damage you've done to your world? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lucienne''': You're home, my Lord. :'''Morpheus''': I am. :'''Lucienne''': Forgive me, sir, but … the realm, the palace they are not as you left them. :'''Morpheus''': What happened here? Who did this? :'''Lucienne''': My Lord, you are The Dreaming, The Dreaming is you. With you gone as long as you were, the realm began to decay and crumble. == Imperfect Hosts [1.2] == :'''Lucienne''': I kept a journal for a while. A chronicle of everything that happened in your absence. But slowly, the words began to fade. Sometime after you left, all the books in the library became bound volumes of blank paper. The next day, the whole library was gone. I never found it again. :'''Morpheus''': And yet you remained while others fled, the royal librarian of an abandoned kingdom. :'''Lucienne''': I never felt abandoned. I knew you would return. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lucienne''': You need rest, my Lord. And food and perhaps a bit more rest, and then you'll be back at full strength. :'''Morpheus''': No. Not without my tools. :'''Lucienne''': Your tools? :'''Morpheus''': My sand, my helm, my ruby. :'''Lucienne''': Why? What happened to them? :'''Morpheus''': They were taken from me. By my captors. And then taken from them I know not where. Nor what I am without them. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Corinthian''': Do you remember the being Roderick Burgess kept caged in his basement? Hmm? King of Dreams? :'''Ethel Cripps''': You're one of his? :'''Corinthian''': I'm my own man now. With your help, I intend to stay that way. :'''Ethel Cripps''': Why do you need my help? :'''Corinthian''': Because he's out of his cage and he's coming for us. You and me. :'''Ethel Cripps''': Why me? I never did anything to him. :'''Corinthian''': Oh, you did though, Ethel. You stole from him. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ethel Cripps''': When I left Roderick, I traded the sand and the helm for my life in America. :'''Corinthian''': And the ruby? :'''Ethel Cripps''': The ruby … As you know, it does have the power to make dreams come true. But it also makes nightmares come true. My son, John, took the ruby from me and then the ruby took John. == Dream a Little Dream of Me [1.3] == :'''Johanna Constantine''': What are you doing here, Hettie? :'''Mad Hettie''': Same as you, I expect. He's coming, isn't he? :'''Johanna Constantine''': Who? :'''Mad Hettie''': Yeah, well, you know who. Morpheus. The Oneiromancer. You know — ''the Sandman'' — he's back. :'''Johanna Constantine''': "The Sandman"? The one who puts the kids to sleep? He's a fairy story, Hettie. :'''Mad Hettie''': He's no fairy story, missy. He's back, and he wants his sand. :'''Johanna Constantine''': Good to know. I'm off to work. :'''Mad Hettie''': You'll see. I know. I'm 280 years old, and I know. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Johanna Constantine''': Tell me your name and I'll stop. :'''Agilieth''': Why would I do that? When there are far more enjoyable ways to make you stop. :'''Morpheus''': His name is Agilieth. :'''Agilieth''': I'm flattered you remember me, Lord Morpheus, after all your time away. :'''Johanna Constantine''': Lord Morpheus? :'''Agilieth''': He is. Though, I confess, I almost didn't recognize you without your helm. I wonder where your helm could be. :'''Morpheus''': I presume it is in Hell, with the demon to whom it was traded. :'''Agilieth''': Yes, but which demon? <!-- == A Hope in Hell [1.4] == <hr width="50%"/> == 24 & 7 [1.5] == <hr width="50%"/> == The Sound of Her Wings [1.6] == <hr width="50%"/> == The Dolls House [1.7] == <hr width="50%"/> == Playing House [1.8] == <hr width="50%"/> == Collectors [1.9] == <hr width="50%"/> == Lost Hearts [1.10] == <hr width="50%"/> --> == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{commonscat}} * [https://www.netflix.com/title/81150303 Official site at Netflix] * [https://www.imdb.com/title/tt1751634/ San∂man at IMDb] {{DEFAULTSORT:Sandman (TV Series), The}} [[Category:2020s American drama TV shows]] [[Category:2020s American horror TV shows]] [[Category:2020s American mystery TV shows]] [[Category:2020s American supernatural TV shows]] [[Category:Current shows]] [[Category:Netflix shows]] e91qh337ad6zqa0qfkcqkqfgqsu63ga 3153045 3153043 2022-08-09T23:21:17Z Kalki 71 /* Dream a Little Dream of Me [1.3] */ wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Thesandman-logo.svg|thumb|I am the King of Dreams … and Nightmares.]] {{italic title}} '''''[[w:The Sandman (TV series)|The Sandman]]''''' is an American fantasy drama television series based on [[w:The Sandman (comic book)|the 1989–1996 comic book]] written by [[Neil Gaiman]] and published by DC Comics. The series was developed by Gaiman, [[w:David S. Goyer|David S. Goyer]], and [[w:Allan Heinberg|Allan Heinberg]] for the streaming service Netflix, and is produced by DC Entertainment and Warner Bros. Television. : See also: :: [[The Sandman (comic book)|'''''The Sandman''''' (comic book)]] == Morpheus == * '''We begin in the waking world … which humanity insists on calling the real world; as if your dreams have no effect upon the choices you make.''' <br /> You mortals go about your work, your loves, your wars, as if your waking lives are ''all'' that matter. <br /> But there is another life which awaits you when you close your eyes — and enter my realm. <br /> For '''I am the King of Dreams … and Nightmares.''' <br /> When the waking world leaves you wanting and weary, sleep brings you here to find freedom and adventure. To face your fears and fantasies in Dreams and Nightmares that I create; and which I must control, lest they consume and destroy you. <br /> That is my purpose and my function. <br /> Or it was, until I left my kingdom to pursue a rogue Nightmare. * I was powerless, trapped by a spell cast by an amateur with no concern for the damage he had done to my realm and to his own.<!-- For the following morning, there were some sleepers who could not wake up. --> * Day after day, he pleaded for gifts that are not mankind's to receive nor mine to give. So I remained silent. * I will not have Dreams and Nightmares preying on the waking world. I will bring them all back. I made this realm once, Lucienne. I will make it again. == Sleep of the Just [1.1] == :'''Lucienne''': My Lord, you are coming back, aren't you? :'''Morpheus''': Why would I not return, Lucienne? :'''Lucienne''': I don't know, a presentiment. As powerful as you are here in your realm, Dreams rarely survive in the waking world. Nightmares, on the other hand, seem to thrive there. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Corinthian (comics)|Corinthian]]''': There are benefits to keeping one of [[w:Endless (comics)|The Endless]] close. :'''Roderick Burgess''': The Endless? :'''Corinthian''': Did you think Death was the only one in charge? The Reaper has family, you know. Desire, Destiny, Despair. :'''Roderick Burgess''': Which one have I got then? :'''Corinthian''': Dream. :'''Roderick Burgess''': What's the good of a god who governs dreams? :'''Corinthian''': Not a god. More than a god. And are men not governed by their dreams? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Alex Burgess''': It's… it's ''you''. You're… you're free. :'''Morpheus''': I am. <br /> And do you have any idea what it was like? Confined in a cage for over a century? <br /> Do you understand the damage you've done to your world? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lucienne''': You're home, my Lord. :'''Morpheus''': I am. :'''Lucienne''': Forgive me, sir, but … the realm, the palace they are not as you left them. :'''Morpheus''': What happened here? Who did this? :'''Lucienne''': My Lord, you are The Dreaming, The Dreaming is you. With you gone as long as you were, the realm began to decay and crumble. == Imperfect Hosts [1.2] == :'''Lucienne''': I kept a journal for a while. A chronicle of everything that happened in your absence. But slowly, the words began to fade. Sometime after you left, all the books in the library became bound volumes of blank paper. The next day, the whole library was gone. I never found it again. :'''Morpheus''': And yet you remained while others fled, the royal librarian of an abandoned kingdom. :'''Lucienne''': I never felt abandoned. I knew you would return. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lucienne''': You need rest, my Lord. And food and perhaps a bit more rest, and then you'll be back at full strength. :'''Morpheus''': No. Not without my tools. :'''Lucienne''': Your tools? :'''Morpheus''': My sand, my helm, my ruby. :'''Lucienne''': Why? What happened to them? :'''Morpheus''': They were taken from me. By my captors. And then taken from them I know not where. Nor what I am without them. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Corinthian''': Do you remember the being Roderick Burgess kept caged in his basement? Hmm? King of Dreams? :'''Ethel Cripps''': You're one of his? :'''Corinthian''': I'm my own man now. With your help, I intend to stay that way. :'''Ethel Cripps''': Why do you need my help? :'''Corinthian''': Because he's out of his cage and he's coming for us. You and me. :'''Ethel Cripps''': Why me? I never did anything to him. :'''Corinthian''': Oh, you did though, Ethel. You stole from him. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ethel Cripps''': When I left Roderick, I traded the sand and the helm for my life in America. :'''Corinthian''': And the ruby? :'''Ethel Cripps''': The ruby … As you know, it does have the power to make dreams come true. But it also makes nightmares come true. My son, John, took the ruby from me and then the ruby took John. == Dream a Little Dream of Me [1.3] == :'''Johanna Constantine''': What are you doing here, Hettie? :'''Mad Hettie''': Same as you, I expect. He's coming, isn't he? :'''Johanna Constantine''': Who? :'''Mad Hettie''': Yeah, well, you know who. Morpheus. The Oneiromancer. You know — ''the Sandman'' — he's back. :'''Johanna Constantine''': "The Sandman"? The one who puts the kids to sleep? He's a fairy story, Hettie. :'''Mad Hettie''': He's no fairy story, missy. He's back, and he wants his sand. :'''Johanna Constantine''': Good to know. I'm off to work. :'''Mad Hettie''': You'll see. I know. I'm 280 years old, and I know. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Agilieth''': You … talk too much. :'''Johanna Constantine''': Tell me your name and I'll stop. :'''Agilieth''': Why would I do that? When there are far more enjoyable ways to make you stop. :'''Morpheus''': His name is Agilieth. :'''Agilieth''': I'm flattered you remember me, Lord Morpheus, after all your time away. :'''Johanna Constantine''': Lord Morpheus? :'''Agilieth''': He is. Though, I confess, I almost didn't recognize you without your helm. I wonder where your helm could be. :'''Morpheus''': I presume it is in Hell, with the demon to whom it was traded. :'''Agilieth''': Yes, but which demon? <!-- == A Hope in Hell [1.4] == <hr width="50%"/> == 24 & 7 [1.5] == <hr width="50%"/> == The Sound of Her Wings [1.6] == <hr width="50%"/> == The Dolls House [1.7] == <hr width="50%"/> == Playing House [1.8] == <hr width="50%"/> == Collectors [1.9] == <hr width="50%"/> == Lost Hearts [1.10] == <hr width="50%"/> --> == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{commonscat}} * [https://www.netflix.com/title/81150303 Official site at Netflix] * [https://www.imdb.com/title/tt1751634/ San∂man at IMDb] {{DEFAULTSORT:Sandman (TV Series), The}} [[Category:2020s American drama TV shows]] [[Category:2020s American horror TV shows]] [[Category:2020s American mystery TV shows]] [[Category:2020s American supernatural TV shows]] [[Category:Current shows]] [[Category:Netflix shows]] i6wiapym6h5ad9g7gzxkyo7la87m6hm 3153046 3153045 2022-08-09T23:22:48Z Kalki 71 /* Dream a Little Dream of Me [1.3] */ wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Thesandman-logo.svg|thumb|I am the King of Dreams … and Nightmares.]] {{italic title}} '''''[[w:The Sandman (TV series)|The Sandman]]''''' is an American fantasy drama television series based on [[w:The Sandman (comic book)|the 1989–1996 comic book]] written by [[Neil Gaiman]] and published by DC Comics. The series was developed by Gaiman, [[w:David S. Goyer|David S. Goyer]], and [[w:Allan Heinberg|Allan Heinberg]] for the streaming service Netflix, and is produced by DC Entertainment and Warner Bros. Television. : See also: :: [[The Sandman (comic book)|'''''The Sandman''''' (comic book)]] == Morpheus == * '''We begin in the waking world … which humanity insists on calling the real world; as if your dreams have no effect upon the choices you make.''' <br /> You mortals go about your work, your loves, your wars, as if your waking lives are ''all'' that matter. <br /> But there is another life which awaits you when you close your eyes — and enter my realm. <br /> For '''I am the King of Dreams … and Nightmares.''' <br /> When the waking world leaves you wanting and weary, sleep brings you here to find freedom and adventure. To face your fears and fantasies in Dreams and Nightmares that I create; and which I must control, lest they consume and destroy you. <br /> That is my purpose and my function. <br /> Or it was, until I left my kingdom to pursue a rogue Nightmare. * I was powerless, trapped by a spell cast by an amateur with no concern for the damage he had done to my realm and to his own.<!-- For the following morning, there were some sleepers who could not wake up. --> * Day after day, he pleaded for gifts that are not mankind's to receive nor mine to give. So I remained silent. * I will not have Dreams and Nightmares preying on the waking world. I will bring them all back. I made this realm once, Lucienne. I will make it again. == Sleep of the Just [1.1] == :'''Lucienne''': My Lord, you are coming back, aren't you? :'''Morpheus''': Why would I not return, Lucienne? :'''Lucienne''': I don't know, a presentiment. As powerful as you are here in your realm, Dreams rarely survive in the waking world. Nightmares, on the other hand, seem to thrive there. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Corinthian (comics)|Corinthian]]''': There are benefits to keeping one of [[w:Endless (comics)|The Endless]] close. :'''Roderick Burgess''': The Endless? :'''Corinthian''': Did you think Death was the only one in charge? The Reaper has family, you know. Desire, Destiny, Despair. :'''Roderick Burgess''': Which one have I got then? :'''Corinthian''': Dream. :'''Roderick Burgess''': What's the good of a god who governs dreams? :'''Corinthian''': Not a god. More than a god. And are men not governed by their dreams? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Alex Burgess''': It's… it's ''you''. You're… you're free. :'''Morpheus''': I am. <br /> And do you have any idea what it was like? Confined in a cage for over a century? <br /> Do you understand the damage you've done to your world? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lucienne''': You're home, my Lord. :'''Morpheus''': I am. :'''Lucienne''': Forgive me, sir, but … the realm, the palace they are not as you left them. :'''Morpheus''': What happened here? Who did this? :'''Lucienne''': My Lord, you are The Dreaming, The Dreaming is you. With you gone as long as you were, the realm began to decay and crumble. == Imperfect Hosts [1.2] == :'''Lucienne''': I kept a journal for a while. A chronicle of everything that happened in your absence. But slowly, the words began to fade. Sometime after you left, all the books in the library became bound volumes of blank paper. The next day, the whole library was gone. I never found it again. :'''Morpheus''': And yet you remained while others fled, the royal librarian of an abandoned kingdom. :'''Lucienne''': I never felt abandoned. I knew you would return. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lucienne''': You need rest, my Lord. And food and perhaps a bit more rest, and then you'll be back at full strength. :'''Morpheus''': No. Not without my tools. :'''Lucienne''': Your tools? :'''Morpheus''': My sand, my helm, my ruby. :'''Lucienne''': Why? What happened to them? :'''Morpheus''': They were taken from me. By my captors. And then taken from them I know not where. Nor what I am without them. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Corinthian''': Do you remember the being Roderick Burgess kept caged in his basement? Hmm? King of Dreams? :'''Ethel Cripps''': You're one of his? :'''Corinthian''': I'm my own man now. With your help, I intend to stay that way. :'''Ethel Cripps''': Why do you need my help? :'''Corinthian''': Because he's out of his cage and he's coming for us. You and me. :'''Ethel Cripps''': Why me? I never did anything to him. :'''Corinthian''': Oh, you did though, Ethel. You stole from him. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ethel Cripps''': When I left Roderick, I traded the sand and the helm for my life in America. :'''Corinthian''': And the ruby? :'''Ethel Cripps''': The ruby … As you know, it does have the power to make dreams come true. But it also makes nightmares come true. My son, John, took the ruby from me and then the ruby took John. == Dream a Little Dream of Me [1.3] == :'''Johanna Constantine''': What are you doing here, Hettie? :'''Mad Hettie''': Same as you, I expect. He's coming, isn't he? :'''Johanna Constantine''': Who? :'''Mad Hettie''': Yeah, well, you know who. Morpheus. The Oneiromancer. You know — ''the Sandman'' — he's back. :'''Johanna Constantine''': "The Sandman"? The one who puts the kids to sleep? He's a fairy story, Hettie. :'''Mad Hettie''': He's no fairy story, missy. He's back, and he wants his sand. :'''Johanna Constantine''': Good to know. I'm off to work. :'''Mad Hettie''': You'll see. I know. I'm 280 years old, and I know. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Agilieth''': You … talk too much. :'''Johanna Constantine''': Tell me your name and I'll stop. :'''Agilieth''': Why would I do that? When there are far more enjoyable ways to make you stop. :'''Morpheus''': ''[entering the scene of the exorcism]'': His name is Agilieth. :'''Agilieth''': I'm flattered you remember me, Lord Morpheus, after all your time away. :'''Johanna Constantine''': Lord Morpheus? :'''Agilieth''': He is. Though, I confess, I almost didn't recognize you without your helm. I wonder where your helm could be. :'''Morpheus''': I presume it is in Hell, with the demon to whom it was traded. :'''Agilieth''': Yes, but which demon? <!-- == A Hope in Hell [1.4] == <hr width="50%"/> == 24 & 7 [1.5] == <hr width="50%"/> == The Sound of Her Wings [1.6] == <hr width="50%"/> == The Dolls House [1.7] == <hr width="50%"/> == Playing House [1.8] == <hr width="50%"/> == Collectors [1.9] == <hr width="50%"/> == Lost Hearts [1.10] == <hr width="50%"/> --> == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{commonscat}} * [https://www.netflix.com/title/81150303 Official site at Netflix] * [https://www.imdb.com/title/tt1751634/ San∂man at IMDb] {{DEFAULTSORT:Sandman (TV Series), The}} [[Category:2020s American drama TV shows]] [[Category:2020s American horror TV shows]] [[Category:2020s American mystery TV shows]] [[Category:2020s American supernatural TV shows]] [[Category:Current shows]] [[Category:Netflix shows]] 2d4ee8rax3ws7dm7eqniquqniq9hjne 0 249940 3153133 3152893 2022-08-10T03:34:47Z Relinus 3124592 Undo revision 3152893 by [[Special:Contributions/200.68.170.11|200.68.170.11]] ([[User talk:200.68.170.11|talk]]) wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Eli S. Ricker|Eli Seavey Ricker]]''' (April 29, 1843 - May 17, 1926) was a corporal serving the Union Army during the American Civil War, newspaper editor, rancher, judge, and activist known for his support of Native Americans and other social causes. He was one of the first historians to recognize the validity of the Native American views. ==Quotes== * When the white man landed on the shores of the New World, an eclipse, blacker than any that ever darkened the sun, blighted the hopes and happiness of the native people, races then living in tranquility upon their own soil. ** ''Voices of the American West'', [https://archive.org/details/voicesofamerican0000rick_d7f3/page/n13/mode/2up page xi] == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Ricker, Eli Seavey}} [[Category:1843 births]] [[Category:1926 deaths]] [[Category:Historians from the United States]] [[Category:Historians of the American Civil War]] [[Category:Authors from the United States]] [[Category:Judges from the United States]] [[Category:Journalists from the United States]] [[Category:Activists from the United States]] [[Category:Native American activists]] ldnd0lmvx1fquyscqglbc7yigz83zli 0 249973 3153009 3152819 2022-08-09T22:02:42Z Kalki 71 /* External links */ add 3 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Olivia Newton John (6707495311) (cropped to look large).jpg|thumb|Sometimes there’s a miracle just beyond the pain <br /> When you can see the rainbow in the rain.]] '''Dame [[w:Olivia Newton-John|Olivia Newton-John]]''' AC DBE ([[26 September]] [[1948]] – [[8 August]] [[2022]]) was a British-Australian singer, songwriter, actress, entrepreneur, and activist. She was a four-time Grammy Award winner whose music career included five number one hits and another ten Top Ten hits on the Billboard Hot 100, and two Billboard 200 number one albums. With global sales of more than 100 million records, Newton-John is one of the best-selling music artists from the second half of the 20th century to the present. {{musician-stub}} == Quotes == === ''[[w:Liv On|Liv On]]'' (2016) === * <p>'''I’m waking up this morning <br /> [[Grateful]] for the gift of one more day''' <br /> The light of [[hope]] is dawning <br /> It fills my heart and lifts my fears away <br /> '''Sometimes there’s a [[miracle]] just beyond the [[pain]] <br /> When you can see the [[rainbow]] in the [[rain]]</p><p>[[Live]] on, live on <br /> Brighter [[skies]] will come again <br /> [[Cry]] the [[tears]] you cry and then live on, live on <br /> Love is all we leave when we are gone <br /> Live on.</p> ** "Live On" (co-written with [[w:Amy Sky|Amy Sky]] and [[w:Beth Nielsen Chapman|Beth Nielsen Chapman]]) · [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UTXGjGdpZTI "Live On" - LIV ON Music Official"] * Love is all we leave when we are gone live on <br /> In every heart of those we touch <br /> In every dream that means so much <br /> Yes I believe that all of us live on. ** "Live On" (co-written with Amy Sky and Beth Nielsen Chapman) == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{commonscat}} * {{IMDb name|556}} * [https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCm3MHjUa5oXEKRe-yMx2Fvg/featured Olivia Newton-John at YouTube] * [https://www.discogs.com/artist/162670-Olivia-Newton-John Olivia Newton-John at Discogs] {{DEFAULTSORT:Newton-John, Olivia}} [[Category:1948 births]] [[Category:2022 deaths]] [[Category:Singers from Australia]] [[Category:Singers from England]] [[Category:Songwriters from Australia]] [[Category:Songwriters from England]] [[Category:Actresses from Australia]] [[Category:Actresses from England]] [[Category:Animal rights activists]] [[Category:Memoirists from Australia]] [[Category:Memoirists from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Pop singers]] [[Category:Country singers]] [[Category:Australian women]] [[Category:British women]] lrtve1wha2xb37oybsw59ap8qbk4856 0 249981 3152900 3152895 2022-08-09T12:24:48Z UDScott 4304 wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Seumas Milne|Seumas Patrick Charles Milne]]''' (born 5 September 1958) is a British journalist and political aide. A journalist at ''[[w:The Guardian|The Guardian]]'' from 1984, later a columnist for the newspaper, he was appointed as the Labour Party's Executive Director of Strategy and Communications in October 2015 under party leader [[w:Jeremy Corbyn|Jeremy Corbyn]]. He left the role when Corbyn ceased being leader in April 2020. {{politics-stub}} == Quotes == *It has become almost received wisdom to bracket Stalin and Hitler as twin monsters of the past century - Mao and Pol Pot are sometimes thrown in as an afterthought - and commonplace to equate communism and fascism as the two greatest evils of an unprecedentedly sanguinary era. In some versions, communism is even held to be the more vile and bloodier wickedness. The impact of this cold war victors' version of the past has been to relativise the unique crimes of Nazism, bury those of colonialism and feed the idea that any attempt at radical social change will always lead to suffering, killing and failure. ** [https://www.theguardian.com/education/2002/sep/12/highereducation.historyandhistoryofart "The battle for history"] ''The Guardian'' (12 September 2002). *Communism, which came to control a third of the planet in a generation, was the most important political movement of the past century. It carried out what other socialists had only talked about, abolishing capitalism and creating publicly owned, planned economies. Its crimes and failures are now so well rehearsed that they are in danger of obliterating any understanding of its achievements - both of which have lessons for the future of progressive politics and the search for a social alternative to globalised capitalism. ** [https://www.theguardian.com/books/2007/may/12/featuresreviews.guardianreview8 "Movement of the people"] ''The Guardian'' (12 May 2007). *A particular form of socialism grew up in the post-war period in the conditions of the Cold War […] East Berlin was absolutely at the front line of the cold war. That’s what the Berlin Wall was. It was a front line between two social and military systems and two military alliances, and a very tense one at that. It wasn’t just some kind of arbitrary division to hold people in, it was also a front line in a global conflict. And that conditioned a lot of the things that happened. ** [https://iea.org.uk/seumas-milne-on-east-germany-historical-revisionism-at-its-worst/ Interview] on George Galloway's ''The Mother of All Talk Shows'' on talkSport (2009) cited in Kristian Niemietz "Seumas Milne on East Germany: Historical revisionism at its worst"] Institute of Economic Affairs (25 August 2017). == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Milne, Seumas}} [[Category:1958 births]] [[Category:Living people]] q5uo1e49etvmnynw5q8zwrcgbqkcp84 3152901 3152900 2022-08-09T12:25:02Z UDScott 4304 added [[Category:Journalists from the United Kingdom]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Seumas Milne|Seumas Patrick Charles Milne]]''' (born 5 September 1958) is a British journalist and political aide. A journalist at ''[[w:The Guardian|The Guardian]]'' from 1984, later a columnist for the newspaper, he was appointed as the Labour Party's Executive Director of Strategy and Communications in October 2015 under party leader [[w:Jeremy Corbyn|Jeremy Corbyn]]. He left the role when Corbyn ceased being leader in April 2020. {{politics-stub}} == Quotes == *It has become almost received wisdom to bracket Stalin and Hitler as twin monsters of the past century - Mao and Pol Pot are sometimes thrown in as an afterthought - and commonplace to equate communism and fascism as the two greatest evils of an unprecedentedly sanguinary era. In some versions, communism is even held to be the more vile and bloodier wickedness. The impact of this cold war victors' version of the past has been to relativise the unique crimes of Nazism, bury those of colonialism and feed the idea that any attempt at radical social change will always lead to suffering, killing and failure. ** [https://www.theguardian.com/education/2002/sep/12/highereducation.historyandhistoryofart "The battle for history"] ''The Guardian'' (12 September 2002). *Communism, which came to control a third of the planet in a generation, was the most important political movement of the past century. It carried out what other socialists had only talked about, abolishing capitalism and creating publicly owned, planned economies. Its crimes and failures are now so well rehearsed that they are in danger of obliterating any understanding of its achievements - both of which have lessons for the future of progressive politics and the search for a social alternative to globalised capitalism. ** [https://www.theguardian.com/books/2007/may/12/featuresreviews.guardianreview8 "Movement of the people"] ''The Guardian'' (12 May 2007). *A particular form of socialism grew up in the post-war period in the conditions of the Cold War […] East Berlin was absolutely at the front line of the cold war. That’s what the Berlin Wall was. It was a front line between two social and military systems and two military alliances, and a very tense one at that. It wasn’t just some kind of arbitrary division to hold people in, it was also a front line in a global conflict. And that conditioned a lot of the things that happened. ** [https://iea.org.uk/seumas-milne-on-east-germany-historical-revisionism-at-its-worst/ Interview] on George Galloway's ''The Mother of All Talk Shows'' on talkSport (2009) cited in Kristian Niemietz "Seumas Milne on East Germany: Historical revisionism at its worst"] Institute of Economic Affairs (25 August 2017). == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Milne, Seumas}} [[Category:1958 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Journalists from the United Kingdom]] tbxsgsvbtmxpm3oyix9ea4mbwxg94uf 3152902 3152901 2022-08-09T12:25:13Z UDScott 4304 added [[Category:Politicians from the United Kingdom]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Seumas Milne|Seumas Patrick Charles Milne]]''' (born 5 September 1958) is a British journalist and political aide. A journalist at ''[[w:The Guardian|The Guardian]]'' from 1984, later a columnist for the newspaper, he was appointed as the Labour Party's Executive Director of Strategy and Communications in October 2015 under party leader [[w:Jeremy Corbyn|Jeremy Corbyn]]. He left the role when Corbyn ceased being leader in April 2020. {{politics-stub}} == Quotes == *It has become almost received wisdom to bracket Stalin and Hitler as twin monsters of the past century - Mao and Pol Pot are sometimes thrown in as an afterthought - and commonplace to equate communism and fascism as the two greatest evils of an unprecedentedly sanguinary era. In some versions, communism is even held to be the more vile and bloodier wickedness. The impact of this cold war victors' version of the past has been to relativise the unique crimes of Nazism, bury those of colonialism and feed the idea that any attempt at radical social change will always lead to suffering, killing and failure. ** [https://www.theguardian.com/education/2002/sep/12/highereducation.historyandhistoryofart "The battle for history"] ''The Guardian'' (12 September 2002). *Communism, which came to control a third of the planet in a generation, was the most important political movement of the past century. It carried out what other socialists had only talked about, abolishing capitalism and creating publicly owned, planned economies. Its crimes and failures are now so well rehearsed that they are in danger of obliterating any understanding of its achievements - both of which have lessons for the future of progressive politics and the search for a social alternative to globalised capitalism. ** [https://www.theguardian.com/books/2007/may/12/featuresreviews.guardianreview8 "Movement of the people"] ''The Guardian'' (12 May 2007). *A particular form of socialism grew up in the post-war period in the conditions of the Cold War […] East Berlin was absolutely at the front line of the cold war. That’s what the Berlin Wall was. It was a front line between two social and military systems and two military alliances, and a very tense one at that. It wasn’t just some kind of arbitrary division to hold people in, it was also a front line in a global conflict. And that conditioned a lot of the things that happened. ** [https://iea.org.uk/seumas-milne-on-east-germany-historical-revisionism-at-its-worst/ Interview] on George Galloway's ''The Mother of All Talk Shows'' on talkSport (2009) cited in Kristian Niemietz "Seumas Milne on East Germany: Historical revisionism at its worst"] Institute of Economic Affairs (25 August 2017). == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Milne, Seumas}} [[Category:1958 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Journalists from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Politicians from the United Kingdom]] qqb65l324nixeka07mkkek6y6ym2s22 3152903 3152902 2022-08-09T12:25:27Z UDScott 4304 wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Seumas Milne|Seumas Patrick Charles Milne]]''' (born 5 September 1958) is a British journalist and political aide. A journalist at ''[[w:The Guardian|The Guardian]]'' from 1984, later a columnist for the newspaper, he was appointed as the Labour Party's Executive Director of Strategy and Communications in October 2015 under party leader [[w:Jeremy Corbyn|Jeremy Corbyn]]. He left the role when Corbyn ceased being leader in April 2020. {{journalist-stub}} == Quotes == *It has become almost received wisdom to bracket Stalin and Hitler as twin monsters of the past century - Mao and Pol Pot are sometimes thrown in as an afterthought - and commonplace to equate communism and fascism as the two greatest evils of an unprecedentedly sanguinary era. In some versions, communism is even held to be the more vile and bloodier wickedness. The impact of this cold war victors' version of the past has been to relativise the unique crimes of Nazism, bury those of colonialism and feed the idea that any attempt at radical social change will always lead to suffering, killing and failure. ** [https://www.theguardian.com/education/2002/sep/12/highereducation.historyandhistoryofart "The battle for history"] ''The Guardian'' (12 September 2002). *Communism, which came to control a third of the planet in a generation, was the most important political movement of the past century. It carried out what other socialists had only talked about, abolishing capitalism and creating publicly owned, planned economies. Its crimes and failures are now so well rehearsed that they are in danger of obliterating any understanding of its achievements - both of which have lessons for the future of progressive politics and the search for a social alternative to globalised capitalism. ** [https://www.theguardian.com/books/2007/may/12/featuresreviews.guardianreview8 "Movement of the people"] ''The Guardian'' (12 May 2007). *A particular form of socialism grew up in the post-war period in the conditions of the Cold War […] East Berlin was absolutely at the front line of the cold war. That’s what the Berlin Wall was. It was a front line between two social and military systems and two military alliances, and a very tense one at that. It wasn’t just some kind of arbitrary division to hold people in, it was also a front line in a global conflict. And that conditioned a lot of the things that happened. ** [https://iea.org.uk/seumas-milne-on-east-germany-historical-revisionism-at-its-worst/ Interview] on George Galloway's ''The Mother of All Talk Shows'' on talkSport (2009) cited in Kristian Niemietz "Seumas Milne on East Germany: Historical revisionism at its worst"] Institute of Economic Affairs (25 August 2017). == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Milne, Seumas}} [[Category:1958 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Journalists from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Politicians from the United Kingdom]] 4ndlzbj409ralam0v64b8hdzw88ihs0 0 249982 3152907 2022-08-09T12:55:48Z Toadboy123 3070320 Created page with "[[File:Olga Tokarczuk (2018).jpg|thumb|Olga Tokarczuk]] '''[[w:Olga Tokarczuk|Olga Nawoja Tokarczuk]]''' (born [[29 January]] [[1962]]) is a Polish writer, activist and public intellectual. She is one of the most critically acclaimed and successful authors of her generation in Poland; in 2019, she was awarded the 2018 Nobel Prize in Literature as the first Polish female prose writer. For her novel ''Flights'', Tokarczuk has been awarded the 2018 Man Booker International..." wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Olga Tokarczuk (2018).jpg|thumb|Olga Tokarczuk]] '''[[w:Olga Tokarczuk|Olga Nawoja Tokarczuk]]''' (born [[29 January]] [[1962]]) is a Polish writer, activist and public intellectual. She is one of the most critically acclaimed and successful authors of her generation in Poland; in 2019, she was awarded the 2018 Nobel Prize in Literature as the first Polish female prose writer. For her novel ''Flights'', Tokarczuk has been awarded the 2018 Man Booker International Prize. ==Quotes== *The first thing is that we don’t trust reality as much as you do. Reading English novels I always adore the ability to write without fear about inner psychological things that are so delicate. In such a form you can develop a story in a very linear way, but we don’t have this patience. We feel that in every moment something must be wrong because our own story wasn’t linear. Another difference is that you are rooted in psychoanalysis while we’re still thinking in a mythical, religious way. **[https://www.theguardian.com/books/2018/apr/20/olga-tokarczuk-interview-flights-man-booker-international "Olga Tokarczuk: ‘I was very naive. I thought Poland would be able to discuss the dark areas of our history’" in ''The Guardian''] (20 April 2018) *If your country is wiped off the map and your language is banned, if your literature has to serve a cause, it becomes, however brilliant, rather hard to travel. **[https://www.theguardian.com/books/2018/apr/20/olga-tokarczuk-interview-flights-man-booker-international "Olga Tokarczuk: ‘I was very naive. I thought Poland would be able to discuss the dark areas of our history’" in ''The Guardian''] (20 April 2018) *The books were very present in our house. I saw from the beginning how my parents are discussing books, reading books, buying books and I could spend a lot of time with my father in the library which I remember very good. What I remember very good, and like here we have a shelf and the most interesting books for me were always close to the ground. So, I explored those shelfs very intensively and I think that was the way I really discovered books as a world, as an alternative world. **[https://www.nobelprize.org/prizes/literature/2018/tokarczuk/159844-olga-tokarczuk-interview-transcript/ "Transcript from an interview with Olga Tokarczuk"] (6 December 2019) *I liked my school but rather from social reasons because of my friends and the time spending together. But I was a type of child who rather preferred self-education, so I had many hobbies, many fascinating subjects like astronomy for instance. So, I really spent a lot of time studying for my pleasure. **[https://www.nobelprize.org/prizes/literature/2018/tokarczuk/159844-olga-tokarczuk-interview-transcript/ "Transcript from an interview with Olga Tokarczuk"] (6 December 2019) *So, I remember myself dreaming about to be a part of a cosmic expedition and work in science checking how the human body is relating with cosmic space, it was a very fantastic idea. Of course, I think that I overestimated the time of development of science. Now I can realise that this is the same subject in my books – thank you for this question. **[https://www.nobelprize.org/prizes/literature/2018/tokarczuk/159844-olga-tokarczuk-interview-transcript/ "Transcript from an interview with Olga Tokarczuk"] (6 December 2019) *I think the one, the most important one that there is every single human being is the source of a novel, it’s a source of many stories. So, we are living in a world that like, more or less, five billion of stories, novels, in potential state existing still around us. **[https://www.nobelprize.org/prizes/literature/2018/tokarczuk/159844-olga-tokarczuk-interview-transcript/ "Transcript from an interview with Olga Tokarczuk"] (6 December 2019) *I think, this moment I decided to move to the countryside and then … because I grew up as a child in the countryside, then after big cities and this kind of chaotic life, I came back to the nature. And then I discovered a kind of different state of mind which was very good for my writing and gave me a kind of concentration, silence, inner silence. **[https://www.nobelprize.org/prizes/literature/2018/tokarczuk/159844-olga-tokarczuk-interview-transcript/ "Transcript from an interview with Olga Tokarczuk"] (6 December 2019) *I think that most funny and mysterious thing is creating characters. It looks, in the beginning, that I’m really inventing because I need a character, a personality to the story, to my story. But in fact, it looks rather like those characters are coming from outside to my story, so, they are already existing somewhere and there are the first step is that they look rather shapely, only cloudy, not in a physical way, but there is another step of this process when I can hear what they are talking between each other or when they are talking to me. So, this is the best moment in my writing. It must be special, very deep and special connection, relationship between me as a narrator, me as an author and my characters and for sure they are taking from me many things, but I’m also, I’ve learned from them. Sometimes they surprise me because of somethings I didn’t know about them, so, it’s really very mysterious. I’m going to write about it. And of course, there are many dimensions of writing because first of all you need to make a research or even to invent an entire story, to support yourself by another books, other ideas, to talk with people, to make some notes. And then there is a beginning of writing and sculpturing the entire story. So, it’s so many dimensions that it’s never boring really, and they like it. This is my only one profession, I cannot do anything else, so. **[https://www.nobelprize.org/prizes/literature/2018/tokarczuk/159844-olga-tokarczuk-interview-transcript/ "Transcript from an interview with Olga Tokarczuk"] (6 December 2019) *And of course, literature is a very specific way of understanding the world and very specific and very raffinated, special, sophisticated way of communication. So, I would like, in my writing, I would like to try just a kind of general ideas of instruction, how to deal with those very dangerous things connected with climate changes. So, please understand that I am not an activist. This is what I’m going to say. I’m going to write about it in my own language, in using my imagination to make our consciousness broader. **[https://www.nobelprize.org/prizes/literature/2018/tokarczuk/159844-olga-tokarczuk-interview-transcript/ "Transcript from an interview with Olga Tokarczuk"] (6 December 2019) *I know that there are many kinds of studying, called creative writing for instance and the people then trying to learn how to write, how to live in writing, because for me, writing is rather a psychological process, not just the process of writing on a paper, even not inventing a story, but something which is very deeply connected with our psychological side. So, I think that there is only one advice, to read, to read. I think read and read, and for every single one written page it is always one thousand pages which should be read. **[https://www.nobelprize.org/prizes/literature/2018/tokarczuk/159844-olga-tokarczuk-interview-transcript/ "Transcript from an interview with Olga Tokarczuk"] (6 December 2019) *As I writer, I have courage to be—to ask questions and not to find an answer because then I should change my job and try to be a scientist. And this is the better freedom, to be a writer. Just ask and show strange things. **[https://lithub.com/nobel-prize-winner-olga-tokarczuk-in-conversation-with-john-freeman/ "Nobel Prize-Winner Olga Tokarczuk in Conversation with John Freeman" in ''LitHub''] (10 October 2019) *I wrote a lot of short stories. I’m still interested in this form and I collect ideas for stories on an ongoing basis, even though I’ve recently developed as a novelist. But my fascination with storytelling doesn’t end. I believe it is a highly sublime, very difficult literary form. Few writers can write a good short story. Sometimes I think it’s easier to write a novel than a short story with a good solid ending. I appreciate this form very much as a reader, too; I’ve loved collections, anthologies of stories since I was a child. **[https://www.bklynlibrary.org/blog/2020/01/12/olga-tokarczuk-interview ""Anger is Not a Bad Energy": In Conversation with Olga Tokarczuk" in ''Brooklyn Public Library''] (2010) *There was no breakthrough, I’ve always been like this – I’ve always been interested in animals, their rights, vegetarianism. I know there are many people like that around me. **[https://www.bklynlibrary.org/blog/2020/01/12/olga-tokarczuk-interview ""Anger is Not a Bad Energy": In Conversation with Olga Tokarczuk" in ''Brooklyn Public Library''] (2010) *Nobody grows people for meat. It’s not about tormenting and harassing, it’s about treating animals like things... There are very strong mechanisms that make it possible to torture animals and to be so-called “decent” people, good neighbors, to never hit anyone, but to abuse animals or be part of it by consuming meat produced through industrial breeding. Today we know that there is no reason for people to eat meat. **[https://www.bklynlibrary.org/blog/2020/01/12/olga-tokarczuk-interview ""Anger is Not a Bad Energy": In Conversation with Olga Tokarczuk" in ''Brooklyn Public Library''] (2010) *Every change in the world starts with some kind of idea, reflection or thought. **[https://www.versopolis.com/people/conversation/359/every-change-in-the-world-starts-with-a-reflection "Every Change in the World Starts with a Reflection" in ''Versopolis''] (5 May 2021) * Art is a huge space for cognitive and conscious experiments, and it uses different sorts of efforts to describe reality. Tale, fairy tale, metaphor, parable are tools that literature has been using for centuries. **[https://www.versopolis.com/people/conversation/359/every-change-in-the-world-starts-with-a-reflection "Every Change in the World Starts with a Reflection" in ''Versopolis''] (5 May 2021) *Reportage is the prince of Polish literature. Love for reportage is a request from the readers: Tell us how it is in the world, what the truth is, don’t make anything up. I’m very concerned about this resistance to literary imagination. People lose the ability to understand metaphors, transposition, all other stylistic literary devices used to date. **[https://www.versopolis.com/people/conversation/359/every-change-in-the-world-starts-with-a-reflection "Every Change in the World Starts with a Reflection" in ''Versopolis''] (5 May 2021) * In my opinion, the right to rebellion, to rage, is very important in any person’s psychological development. If you grow and live without the opportunity to stamp your foot, you die inside. This rebellion doesn’t need to take obvious forms like murder, but that remains a potential. The possibility of rebellion makes us free. **[https://www.versopolis.com/people/conversation/359/every-change-in-the-world-starts-with-a-reflection "Every Change in the World Starts with a Reflection" in ''Versopolis''] (5 May 2021) *I’m afraid nobody nowadays has the courage to speak about what’s going to happen. Predictions never come true. We live in a world of fear of the future. Astrological thinking is based on thinking in cycles. It’s the same in economics. To my mind, the most interesting are the long cycles, which take a few centuries, revealing certain historical truths that aren’t seen when one is reading the world ad hoc through the media. Astrology is an ancient art invented a few thousand years ago, which miraculously continues. A human projects some order on the planetary setting, then their perception of the world is refracted and returned with totally different knowledge. This is fascinating. I had always been interested in astrology, but only had basic knowledge about it. the imagination. Sometimes I regret that contemporary people distance themselves so much from such old, beautiful ways for pondering reality. **[https://www.versopolis.com/people/conversation/359/every-change-in-the-world-starts-with-a-reflection "Every Change in the World Starts with a Reflection" in ''Versopolis''] (5 May 2021) *In a way, we need charismatic leaders. I mean, situation in Poland, so many peoples, 38 million is waiting for charismatic leader who will have a position to recognize what is good and what is bad and just to lead us somewhere to the better times. But for the other side, I don't know, really. **[https://www.npr.org/2022/01/29/1076663955/nobel-prize-winner-olga-tokarczuk-releases-the-books-of-jacob "Nobel Prize winner Olga Tokarczuk releases 'The Books of Jacob'" in ''NPR''] (29 January 2022) *Language directs perspective and, as such, always carries a value judgment; it evaluates reality by choosing what will be described or discussed. **[https://www.seattletimes.com/entertainment/books/nobel-prize-winner-olga-tokarczuk-on-the-books-of-jacob-her-magnum-opus-newly-translated-into-english/ "Nobel Prize winner Olga Tokarczuk on ‘The Books of Jacob,’ her magnum opus, newly translated into English" in ''The Seattle Times''] (15 April 2022) *We’re living in such a crazy world that we need to redefine what a novel is for us. **[https://publishingperspectives.com/2018/05/interview-man-booker-international-winners-olga-tokarczuk-jennifer-croft-flights/ "Interview: Man Booker International Winners Olga Tokarczuk and Jennifer Croft"] (22 May 2018) *I started to think more about just jumping from one point to the other. It’s like opening the windows on your computer, you have so many spaces. Or it’s like turning on your television–there’s another metaphor–you can jump from one channel to another. And that was the effect, the outcome of my thinking about the novel. Of course it was shocking for some readers. But I think that I was right. **[https://publishingperspectives.com/2018/05/interview-man-booker-international-winners-olga-tokarczuk-jennifer-croft-flights/ "Interview: Man Booker International Winners Olga Tokarczuk and Jennifer Croft"] (22 May 2018) ===Nobel Prize lecture (7 December 2019) (excerpts)=== [[File:Olga Tokarczuk Krajanow1.jpg|thumb]] <small>[https://www.nobelprize.org/prizes/literature/2018/tokarczuk/lecture/ The Tender Narrator]</small> *Today our problem lies—it seems—in the fact that we do not yet have ready narratives not only for the future, but even for a concrete now, for the ultra-rapid transformations of today’s world. We lack the language, we lack the points of view, the metaphors, the myths and new fables. Yet we do see frequent attempts to harness rusty, anachronistic narratives that cannot fit the future to imaginaries of the future, no doubt on the assumption that an old something is better than a new nothing, or trying in this way to deal with the limitations of our own horizons. In a word, we lack new ways of telling the story of the world. *We live in a reality of polyphonic first-person narratives, and we are met from all sides with polyphonic noise. What I mean by first-person is the kind of tale that narrowly orbits the self of a teller who more or less directly just writes about herself and through herself. We have determined that this type of individualized point of view, this voice from the self, is the most natural, human and honest, even if it does abstain from a broader perspective. Narrating in the first person, so conceived, is weaving an absolutely unique pattern, the only one of its kind; it is having a sense of autonomy as an individual, being aware of yourself and your fate. Yet it also means building an opposition between the self and the world, and that opposition can be alienating at times. *I think that first-person narration is very characteristic of contemporary optics, in which the individual performs the role of subjective center of the world. Western civilization is to a great extent founded and reliant upon that very discovery of the self, which makes up one of our most important measures of reality. Here man is the lead actor, and his judgment—although it is one among many—is always taken seriously. Stories woven in first person appear to be among the greatest discoveries of human civilization; they are read with reverence, bestowed full confidence. This type of story, when we see the world through the eyes of some self that is unlike any other, builds a special bond with the narrator, who asks his listener to put himself in his unique position. *What first-person narratives have done for literature and in general for human civilization cannot be overestimated—they have completely reworked the story of the world, so that it is no longer a place for the operations of heroes and deities upon whom we can have no influence, but rather a place for people just like us, with individual histories. It is easy to identify with people who are just like us, which generates between the story’s narrator and its reader or listener a new variety of emotional understanding based on empathy. And this, by its very nature, brings together and eliminates borders; it is very easy to lose track in a novel of the borders between the narrator’s self and the reader’s self, and a so-called “absorbing novel” actually counts on that border being blurred—on the reader, through empathy, becoming the narrator for a while. Thus literature has become a field for the exchange of experiences, an agora where everyone can tell of their own fate, or give voice to their alter ego. *Perhaps in order not to drown in the multiplicity of titles and last names we began to divide literature’s leviathan body into genres, which we treat like the various different categories of sports, with writers as their specially trained players. *A dream fulfilled is often disappointing. It has turned out that we are not capable of bearing this enormity of information, which instead of uniting, generalizing and freeing, has differentiated, divided, enclosed in individual little bubbles, creating a multitude of stories that are incompatible with one another or even openly hostile toward each other, mutually antagonizing. *I don’t want to sketch an overall vision of crisis in telling stories about the world. But I’m often troubled by the feeling that there is something missing in the world―that by experiencing it through glass screens, and through apps, somehow it becomes unreal, distant, two-dimensional, and strangely non-descript, even though finding any particular piece of information is astoundingly easy. *The flood of stupidity, cruelty, hate speech and images of violence are desperately counterbalanced by all sorts of “good news,” but it hasn’t the capacity to rein in the painful impression, which I find hard to verbalize, that there is something wrong with the world. Nowadays this feeling, once the sole preserve of neurotic poets, is like an epidemic of lack of definition, a form of anxiety oozing from all directions. *Literature is one of the few spheres that try to keep us close to the hard facts of the world, because by its very nature it is always psychological, because it focuses on the internal reasoning and motives of the characters, reveals their otherwise inaccessible experience to another person, or simply provokes the reader into a psychological interpretation of their conduct. Only literature is capable of letting us go deep into the life of another being, understand their reasons, share their emotions and experience their fate. *To make it easier for us to cope with this we are given numbers, name tags, cards, crude plastic identities that try to reduce us to using one small part of the whole that we have already ceased to perceive. *I keep wondering if these days it’s possible to find the foundations of a new story that’s universal, comprehensive, all-inclusive, rooted in nature, full of contexts and at the same time understandable. *So it could be best to tell stories honestly in a way that activates a sense of the whole in the reader’s mind, that sets off the reader’s capacity to unite fragments into a single design, and to discover entire constellations in the small particles of events. To tell a story that makes it clear that everyone and everything is steeped in one common notion, which we painstakingly produce in our minds with every turn of the planet. Literature has the power to do this. We should drop the simplistic categories of highbrow and lowbrow literature, popular and niche, and take the division into genres very lightly. We should drop the definition of “national literatures,” knowing as we do that the universe of literature is a single thing, like the idea of unus mundus, a common psychological reality in which our human experience is united. The Author and the Reader perform equivalent roles, the former by dint of creating, the latter by making a constant interpretation. *I write fiction, but it is never pure fabrication. When I write, I have to feel everything inside myself. I have to let all the living beings and objects that appear in the book go through me, everything that is human and beyond human, everything that is living and not endowed with life. I have to take a close look at each thing and person, with the greatest solemnity, and personify them inside myself, personalize them. *Tenderness is the most modest form of love. It is the kind of love that does not appear in the scriptures or the gospels, no one swears by it, no one cites it. It has no special emblems or symbols, nor does it lead to crime, or prompt envy. *The climate emergency and the political crisis in which we are now trying to find our way, and which we are anxious to oppose by saving the world have not come out of nowhere. We often forget that they are not just the result of a twist of fate or destiny, but of some very specific moves and decisions―economic, social, and to do with world outlook (including religious ones). Greed, failure to respect nature, selfishness, lack of imagination, endless rivalry and lack of responsibility have reduced the world to the status of an object that can be cut into pieces, used up and destroyed. *That is why I believe I must tell stories as if the world were a living, single entity, constantly forming before our eyes, and as if we were a small and at the same time powerful part of it. ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{commonscat}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Tokarczuk, Olga}} [[Category:1962 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Authors from Poland]] [[Category:Nobel laureates in Literature]] [[Category:Poets from Poland]] [[Category:Novelists from Poland]] [[Category:Screenwriters]] [[Category:Atheists]] [[Category:Vegetarians]] 2smqcx7gxjdjlylnllp0ijjmjxcj9lt 3152913 3152907 2022-08-09T13:02:06Z 42.109.135.58 /* Quotes */ wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Olga Tokarczuk (2018).jpg|thumb|Olga Tokarczuk]] '''[[w:Olga Tokarczuk|Olga Nawoja Tokarczuk]]''' (born [[29 January]] [[1962]]) is a Polish writer, activist and public intellectual. She is one of the most critically acclaimed and successful authors of her generation in Poland; in 2019, she was awarded the 2018 Nobel Prize in Literature as the first Polish female prose writer. For her novel ''Flights'', Tokarczuk has been awarded the 2018 Man Booker International Prize. ==Quotes== *The first thing is that we don’t trust reality as much as you do. Reading English novels, I always adore the ability to write without fear about inner psychological things that are so delicate. In such a form you can develop a story in a very linear way, but we don’t have this patience. We feel that in every moment something must be wrong because our own story wasn’t linear. Another difference is that you are rooted in psychoanalysis while we’re still thinking in a mythical, religious way. **[https://www.theguardian.com/books/2018/apr/20/olga-tokarczuk-interview-flights-man-booker-international "Olga Tokarczuk: ‘I was very naive. I thought Poland would be able to discuss the dark areas of our history’" in ''The Guardian''] (20 April 2018) *If your country is wiped off the map and your language is banned, if your literature has to serve a cause, it becomes, however brilliant, rather hard to travel. **[https://www.theguardian.com/books/2018/apr/20/olga-tokarczuk-interview-flights-man-booker-international "Olga Tokarczuk: ‘I was very naive. I thought Poland would be able to discuss the dark areas of our history’" in ''The Guardian''] (20 April 2018) *The books were very present in our house. I saw from the beginning how my parents are discussing books, reading books, buying books and I could spend a lot of time with my father in the library which I remember very good. What I remember very good, and like here we have a shelf and the most interesting books for me were always close to the ground. So, I explored those shelfs very intensively and I think that was the way I really discovered books as a world, as an alternative world. **[https://www.nobelprize.org/prizes/literature/2018/tokarczuk/159844-olga-tokarczuk-interview-transcript/ "Transcript from an interview with Olga Tokarczuk"] (6 December 2019) *I liked my school but rather from social reasons because of my friends and the time spending together. But I was a type of child who rather preferred self-education, so I had many hobbies, many fascinating subjects like astronomy for instance. So, I really spent a lot of time studying for my pleasure. **[https://www.nobelprize.org/prizes/literature/2018/tokarczuk/159844-olga-tokarczuk-interview-transcript/ "Transcript from an interview with Olga Tokarczuk"] (6 December 2019) *So, I remember myself dreaming about to be a part of a cosmic expedition and work in science checking how the human body is relating with cosmic space, it was a very fantastic idea. Of course, I think that I overestimated the time of development of science. Now I can realise that this is the same subject in my books – thank you for this question. **[https://www.nobelprize.org/prizes/literature/2018/tokarczuk/159844-olga-tokarczuk-interview-transcript/ "Transcript from an interview with Olga Tokarczuk"] (6 December 2019) *I think the one, the most important one that there is every single human being is the source of a novel, it’s a source of many stories. So, we are living in a world that like, more or less, five billion of stories, novels, in potential state existing still around us. **[https://www.nobelprize.org/prizes/literature/2018/tokarczuk/159844-olga-tokarczuk-interview-transcript/ "Transcript from an interview with Olga Tokarczuk"] (6 December 2019) *I think, this moment I decided to move to the countryside and then … because I grew up as a child in the countryside, then after big cities and this kind of chaotic life, I came back to the nature. And then I discovered a kind of different state of mind which was very good for my writing and gave me a kind of concentration, silence, inner silence. **[https://www.nobelprize.org/prizes/literature/2018/tokarczuk/159844-olga-tokarczuk-interview-transcript/ "Transcript from an interview with Olga Tokarczuk"] (6 December 2019) *I think that most funny and mysterious thing is creating characters. It looks, in the beginning, that I’m really inventing because I need a character, a personality to the story, to my story. But in fact, it looks rather like those characters are coming from outside to my story, so, they are already existing somewhere and there are the first step is that they look rather shapely, only cloudy, not in a physical way, but there is another step of this process when I can hear what they are talking between each other or when they are talking to me. So, this is the best moment in my writing. It must be special, very deep and special connection, relationship between me as a narrator, me as an author and my characters and for sure they are taking from me many things, but I’m also, I’ve learned from them. Sometimes they surprise me because of somethings I didn’t know about them, so, it’s really very mysterious. I’m going to write about it. And of course, there are many dimensions of writing because first of all you need to make a research or even to invent an entire story, to support yourself by another books, other ideas, to talk with people, to make some notes. And then there is a beginning of writing and sculpturing the entire story. So, it’s so many dimensions that it’s never boring really, and they like it. This is my only one profession, I cannot do anything else, so. **[https://www.nobelprize.org/prizes/literature/2018/tokarczuk/159844-olga-tokarczuk-interview-transcript/ "Transcript from an interview with Olga Tokarczuk"] (6 December 2019) *And of course, literature is a very specific way of understanding the world and very specific and very raffinated, special, sophisticated way of communication. So, I would like, in my writing, I would like to try just a kind of general ideas of instruction, how to deal with those very dangerous things connected with climate changes. So, please understand that I am not an activist. This is what I’m going to say. I’m going to write about it in my own language, in using my imagination to make our consciousness broader. **[https://www.nobelprize.org/prizes/literature/2018/tokarczuk/159844-olga-tokarczuk-interview-transcript/ "Transcript from an interview with Olga Tokarczuk"] (6 December 2019) *I know that there are many kinds of studying, called creative writing for instance and the people then trying to learn how to write, how to live in writing, because for me, writing is rather a psychological process, not just the process of writing on a paper, even not inventing a story, but something which is very deeply connected with our psychological side. So, I think that there is only one advice, to read, to read. I think read and read, and for every single one written page it is always one thousand pages which should be read. **[https://www.nobelprize.org/prizes/literature/2018/tokarczuk/159844-olga-tokarczuk-interview-transcript/ "Transcript from an interview with Olga Tokarczuk"] (6 December 2019) *As I writer, I have courage to be—to ask questions and not to find an answer because then I should change my job and try to be a scientist. And this is the better freedom, to be a writer. Just ask and show strange things. **[https://lithub.com/nobel-prize-winner-olga-tokarczuk-in-conversation-with-john-freeman/ "Nobel Prize-Winner Olga Tokarczuk in Conversation with John Freeman" in ''LitHub''] (10 October 2019) *I wrote a lot of short stories. I’m still interested in this form and I collect ideas for stories on an ongoing basis, even though I’ve recently developed as a novelist. But my fascination with storytelling doesn’t end. I believe it is a highly sublime, very difficult literary form. Few writers can write a good short story. Sometimes I think it’s easier to write a novel than a short story with a good solid ending. I appreciate this form very much as a reader, too; I’ve loved collections, anthologies of stories since I was a child. **[https://www.bklynlibrary.org/blog/2020/01/12/olga-tokarczuk-interview ""Anger is Not a Bad Energy": In Conversation with Olga Tokarczuk" in ''Brooklyn Public Library''] (2010) *There was no breakthrough, I’ve always been like this – I’ve always been interested in animals, their rights, vegetarianism. I know there are many people like that around me. **[https://www.bklynlibrary.org/blog/2020/01/12/olga-tokarczuk-interview ""Anger is Not a Bad Energy": In Conversation with Olga Tokarczuk" in ''Brooklyn Public Library''] (2010) *Nobody grows people for meat. It’s not about tormenting and harassing, it’s about treating animals like things... There are very strong mechanisms that make it possible to torture animals and to be so-called “decent” people, good neighbors, to never hit anyone, but to abuse animals or be part of it by consuming meat produced through industrial breeding. Today we know that there is no reason for people to eat meat. **[https://www.bklynlibrary.org/blog/2020/01/12/olga-tokarczuk-interview ""Anger is Not a Bad Energy": In Conversation with Olga Tokarczuk" in ''Brooklyn Public Library''] (2010) *Every change in the world starts with some kind of idea, reflection or thought. **[https://www.versopolis.com/people/conversation/359/every-change-in-the-world-starts-with-a-reflection "Every Change in the World Starts with a Reflection" in ''Versopolis''] (5 May 2021) * Art is a huge space for cognitive and conscious experiments, and it uses different sorts of efforts to describe reality. Tale, fairy tale, metaphor, parable are tools that literature has been using for centuries. **[https://www.versopolis.com/people/conversation/359/every-change-in-the-world-starts-with-a-reflection "Every Change in the World Starts with a Reflection" in ''Versopolis''] (5 May 2021) *Reportage is the prince of Polish literature. Love for reportage is a request from the readers: Tell us how it is in the world, what the truth is, don’t make anything up. I’m very concerned about this resistance to literary imagination. People lose the ability to understand metaphors, transposition, all other stylistic literary devices used to date. **[https://www.versopolis.com/people/conversation/359/every-change-in-the-world-starts-with-a-reflection "Every Change in the World Starts with a Reflection" in ''Versopolis''] (5 May 2021) * In my opinion, the right to rebellion, to rage, is very important in any person’s psychological development. If you grow and live without the opportunity to stamp your foot, you die inside. This rebellion doesn’t need to take obvious forms like murder, but that remains a potential. The possibility of rebellion makes us free. **[https://www.versopolis.com/people/conversation/359/every-change-in-the-world-starts-with-a-reflection "Every Change in the World Starts with a Reflection" in ''Versopolis''] (5 May 2021) *I’m afraid nobody nowadays has the courage to speak about what’s going to happen. Predictions never come true. We live in a world of fear of the future. Astrological thinking is based on thinking in cycles. It’s the same in economics. To my mind, the most interesting are the long cycles, which take a few centuries, revealing certain historical truths that aren’t seen when one is reading the world ad hoc through the media. Astrology is an ancient art invented a few thousand years ago, which miraculously continues. A human projects some order on the planetary setting, then their perception of the world is refracted and returned with totally different knowledge. This is fascinating. I had always been interested in astrology, but only had basic knowledge about it. the imagination. Sometimes I regret that contemporary people distance themselves so much from such old, beautiful ways for pondering reality. **[https://www.versopolis.com/people/conversation/359/every-change-in-the-world-starts-with-a-reflection "Every Change in the World Starts with a Reflection" in ''Versopolis''] (5 May 2021) *In a way, we need charismatic leaders. I mean, situation in Poland, so many peoples, 38 million is waiting for charismatic leader who will have a position to recognize what is good and what is bad and just to lead us somewhere to the better times. But for the other side, I don't know, really. **[https://www.npr.org/2022/01/29/1076663955/nobel-prize-winner-olga-tokarczuk-releases-the-books-of-jacob "Nobel Prize winner Olga Tokarczuk releases 'The Books of Jacob'" in ''NPR''] (29 January 2022) *Language directs perspective and, as such, always carries a value judgment; it evaluates reality by choosing what will be described or discussed. **[https://www.seattletimes.com/entertainment/books/nobel-prize-winner-olga-tokarczuk-on-the-books-of-jacob-her-magnum-opus-newly-translated-into-english/ "Nobel Prize winner Olga Tokarczuk on ‘The Books of Jacob,’ her magnum opus, newly translated into English" in ''The Seattle Times''] (15 April 2022) *We’re living in such a crazy world that we need to redefine what a novel is for us. **[https://publishingperspectives.com/2018/05/interview-man-booker-international-winners-olga-tokarczuk-jennifer-croft-flights/ "Interview: Man Booker International Winners Olga Tokarczuk and Jennifer Croft"] (22 May 2018) *I started to think more about just jumping from one point to the other. It’s like opening the windows on your computer, you have so many spaces. Or it’s like turning on your television–there’s another metaphor–you can jump from one channel to another. And that was the effect, the outcome of my thinking about the novel. Of course it was shocking for some readers. But I think that I was right. **[https://publishingperspectives.com/2018/05/interview-man-booker-international-winners-olga-tokarczuk-jennifer-croft-flights/ "Interview: Man Booker International Winners Olga Tokarczuk and Jennifer Croft"] (22 May 2018) ===Nobel Prize lecture (7 December 2019) (excerpts)=== [[File:Olga Tokarczuk Krajanow1.jpg|thumb]] <small>[https://www.nobelprize.org/prizes/literature/2018/tokarczuk/lecture/ The Tender Narrator]</small> *Today our problem lies—it seems—in the fact that we do not yet have ready narratives not only for the future, but even for a concrete now, for the ultra-rapid transformations of today’s world. We lack the language, we lack the points of view, the metaphors, the myths and new fables. Yet we do see frequent attempts to harness rusty, anachronistic narratives that cannot fit the future to imaginaries of the future, no doubt on the assumption that an old something is better than a new nothing, or trying in this way to deal with the limitations of our own horizons. In a word, we lack new ways of telling the story of the world. *We live in a reality of polyphonic first-person narratives, and we are met from all sides with polyphonic noise. What I mean by first-person is the kind of tale that narrowly orbits the self of a teller who more or less directly just writes about herself and through herself. We have determined that this type of individualized point of view, this voice from the self, is the most natural, human and honest, even if it does abstain from a broader perspective. Narrating in the first person, so conceived, is weaving an absolutely unique pattern, the only one of its kind; it is having a sense of autonomy as an individual, being aware of yourself and your fate. Yet it also means building an opposition between the self and the world, and that opposition can be alienating at times. *I think that first-person narration is very characteristic of contemporary optics, in which the individual performs the role of subjective center of the world. Western civilization is to a great extent founded and reliant upon that very discovery of the self, which makes up one of our most important measures of reality. Here man is the lead actor, and his judgment—although it is one among many—is always taken seriously. Stories woven in first person appear to be among the greatest discoveries of human civilization; they are read with reverence, bestowed full confidence. This type of story, when we see the world through the eyes of some self that is unlike any other, builds a special bond with the narrator, who asks his listener to put himself in his unique position. *What first-person narratives have done for literature and in general for human civilization cannot be overestimated—they have completely reworked the story of the world, so that it is no longer a place for the operations of heroes and deities upon whom we can have no influence, but rather a place for people just like us, with individual histories. It is easy to identify with people who are just like us, which generates between the story’s narrator and its reader or listener a new variety of emotional understanding based on empathy. And this, by its very nature, brings together and eliminates borders; it is very easy to lose track in a novel of the borders between the narrator’s self and the reader’s self, and a so-called “absorbing novel” actually counts on that border being blurred—on the reader, through empathy, becoming the narrator for a while. Thus literature has become a field for the exchange of experiences, an agora where everyone can tell of their own fate, or give voice to their alter ego. *Perhaps in order not to drown in the multiplicity of titles and last names we began to divide literature’s leviathan body into genres, which we treat like the various different categories of sports, with writers as their specially trained players. *A dream fulfilled is often disappointing. It has turned out that we are not capable of bearing this enormity of information, which instead of uniting, generalizing and freeing, has differentiated, divided, enclosed in individual little bubbles, creating a multitude of stories that are incompatible with one another or even openly hostile toward each other, mutually antagonizing. *I don’t want to sketch an overall vision of crisis in telling stories about the world. But I’m often troubled by the feeling that there is something missing in the world―that by experiencing it through glass screens, and through apps, somehow it becomes unreal, distant, two-dimensional, and strangely non-descript, even though finding any particular piece of information is astoundingly easy. *The flood of stupidity, cruelty, hate speech and images of violence are desperately counterbalanced by all sorts of “good news,” but it hasn’t the capacity to rein in the painful impression, which I find hard to verbalize, that there is something wrong with the world. Nowadays this feeling, once the sole preserve of neurotic poets, is like an epidemic of lack of definition, a form of anxiety oozing from all directions. *Literature is one of the few spheres that try to keep us close to the hard facts of the world, because by its very nature it is always psychological, because it focuses on the internal reasoning and motives of the characters, reveals their otherwise inaccessible experience to another person, or simply provokes the reader into a psychological interpretation of their conduct. Only literature is capable of letting us go deep into the life of another being, understand their reasons, share their emotions and experience their fate. *To make it easier for us to cope with this we are given numbers, name tags, cards, crude plastic identities that try to reduce us to using one small part of the whole that we have already ceased to perceive. *I keep wondering if these days it’s possible to find the foundations of a new story that’s universal, comprehensive, all-inclusive, rooted in nature, full of contexts and at the same time understandable. *So it could be best to tell stories honestly in a way that activates a sense of the whole in the reader’s mind, that sets off the reader’s capacity to unite fragments into a single design, and to discover entire constellations in the small particles of events. To tell a story that makes it clear that everyone and everything is steeped in one common notion, which we painstakingly produce in our minds with every turn of the planet. Literature has the power to do this. We should drop the simplistic categories of highbrow and lowbrow literature, popular and niche, and take the division into genres very lightly. We should drop the definition of “national literatures,” knowing as we do that the universe of literature is a single thing, like the idea of unus mundus, a common psychological reality in which our human experience is united. The Author and the Reader perform equivalent roles, the former by dint of creating, the latter by making a constant interpretation. *I write fiction, but it is never pure fabrication. When I write, I have to feel everything inside myself. I have to let all the living beings and objects that appear in the book go through me, everything that is human and beyond human, everything that is living and not endowed with life. I have to take a close look at each thing and person, with the greatest solemnity, and personify them inside myself, personalize them. *Tenderness is the most modest form of love. It is the kind of love that does not appear in the scriptures or the gospels, no one swears by it, no one cites it. It has no special emblems or symbols, nor does it lead to crime, or prompt envy. *The climate emergency and the political crisis in which we are now trying to find our way, and which we are anxious to oppose by saving the world have not come out of nowhere. We often forget that they are not just the result of a twist of fate or destiny, but of some very specific moves and decisions―economic, social, and to do with world outlook (including religious ones). Greed, failure to respect nature, selfishness, lack of imagination, endless rivalry and lack of responsibility have reduced the world to the status of an object that can be cut into pieces, used up and destroyed. *That is why I believe I must tell stories as if the world were a living, single entity, constantly forming before our eyes, and as if we were a small and at the same time powerful part of it. ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{commonscat}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Tokarczuk, Olga}} [[Category:1962 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Authors from Poland]] [[Category:Nobel laureates in Literature]] [[Category:Poets from Poland]] [[Category:Novelists from Poland]] [[Category:Screenwriters]] [[Category:Atheists]] [[Category:Vegetarians]] 6nx3crm3wjzrq88jv7glyhebnmx5jsq 0 249983 3152915 2022-08-09T13:15:59Z Philip Cross 7192 beginning article wikitext text/x-wiki '''{{W|Craig Murray|Craig John Murray}}} (born 17 October 1958) is a Scottish writer and former diplomat for the UK Foreign and Commonwealth Office. {{politics-stub}} == Quotes == * Uzbekistan is not a functioning democracy, nor does it appear to be moving in the direction of democracy. The major political parties are banned; Parliament is not subject to democratic election and checks and balances on the authority of the electorate are lacking. There is worse: we believe there to be between 7,000 and 10,000 people in detention whom we would consider as political and/or religious prisoners. In many cases they have been falsely convicted of crimes with which there appears to be no credible evidence they had any connection. ** [https://web.archive.org/web/20080904031404/http://www.eurasianet.org/departments/civilsociety/articles/eav011403.shtml Speech] delivered 17 October 2002, cited by David Stern "British Envoy's Speech Reverberates Reverberates in Uzbekistan" Eurasianet.org (14 January 2003). {{DEFAULTSORT:Murray, Craig}} [[Category:1958 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Diplomats of the United Kingdom]] 760f7ebmqs6v4is17f1qhmd1rzdjwew 3152916 3152915 2022-08-09T13:16:24Z Philip Cross 7192 ce wikitext text/x-wiki '''{{W|Craig Murray|Craig John Murray}}''' (born 17 October 1958) is a Scottish writer and former diplomat for the UK Foreign and Commonwealth Office. {{politics-stub}} == Quotes == * Uzbekistan is not a functioning democracy, nor does it appear to be moving in the direction of democracy. The major political parties are banned; Parliament is not subject to democratic election and checks and balances on the authority of the electorate are lacking. There is worse: we believe there to be between 7,000 and 10,000 people in detention whom we would consider as political and/or religious prisoners. In many cases they have been falsely convicted of crimes with which there appears to be no credible evidence they had any connection. ** [https://web.archive.org/web/20080904031404/http://www.eurasianet.org/departments/civilsociety/articles/eav011403.shtml Speech] delivered 17 October 2002, cited by David Stern "British Envoy's Speech Reverberates Reverberates in Uzbekistan" Eurasianet.org (14 January 2003). {{DEFAULTSORT:Murray, Craig}} [[Category:1958 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Diplomats of the United Kingdom]] sjdlmholvgtd0xr1gn98d2eeeu3uqar 3152917 3152916 2022-08-09T13:23:09Z Philip Cross 7192 /* Quotes */ further quote from 17 October 2002 speech wikitext text/x-wiki '''{{W|Craig Murray|Craig John Murray}}''' (born 17 October 1958) is a Scottish writer and former diplomat for the UK Foreign and Commonwealth Office. {{politics-stub}} == Quotes == * Uzbekistan is not a functioning democracy, nor does it appear to be moving in the direction of democracy. The major political parties are banned; Parliament is not subject to democratic election and checks and balances on the authority of the electorate are lacking. There is worse: we believe there to be between 7,000 and 10,000 people in detention whom we would consider as political and/or religious prisoners. In many cases they have been falsely convicted of crimes with which there appears to be no credible evidence they had any connection. * There is worse: we believe there to be between 7,000 and 10,000 people in detention whom we would consider as political and/or religious prisoners. In many cases they have been falsely convicted of crimes with which there appears to be no credible evidence they had any connection. ** [https://web.archive.org/web/20080904031404/http://www.eurasianet.org/departments/civilsociety/articles/eav011403.shtml Speech] delivered at Freedom House, Uzbekistan on 17 October 2002, cited by David Stern "British Envoy's Speech Reverberates Reverberates in Uzbekistan" Eurasianet.org (14 January 2003). {{DEFAULTSORT:Murray, Craig}} [[Category:1958 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Diplomats of the United Kingdom]] ibcaey57eu7jnqiikzyt509jd3yt10r 3152918 3152917 2022-08-09T13:23:39Z UDScott 4304 wikitext text/x-wiki '''{{W|Craig Murray|Craig John Murray}}''' (born 17 October 1958) is a Scottish writer and former diplomat for the UK Foreign and Commonwealth Office. {{politics-stub}} == Quotes == * Uzbekistan is not a functioning democracy, nor does it appear to be moving in the direction of democracy. The major political parties are banned; Parliament is not subject to democratic election and checks and balances on the authority of the electorate are lacking. There is worse: we believe there to be between 7,000 and 10,000 people in detention whom we would consider as political and/or religious prisoners. In many cases they have been falsely convicted of crimes with which there appears to be no credible evidence they had any connection. * There is worse: we believe there to be between 7,000 and 10,000 people in detention whom we would consider as political and/or religious prisoners. In many cases they have been falsely convicted of crimes with which there appears to be no credible evidence they had any connection. ** [https://web.archive.org/web/20080904031404/http://www.eurasianet.org/departments/civilsociety/articles/eav011403.shtml Speech] delivered at Freedom House, Uzbekistan on 17 October 2002, cited by David Stern "British Envoy's Speech Reverberates Reverberates in Uzbekistan" Eurasianet.org (14 January 2003). == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Murray, Craig}} [[Category:1958 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Diplomats of the United Kingdom]] 97v9w1ymdw1r4fbjpcqtvlz25gwj636 3152919 3152918 2022-08-09T13:24:10Z UDScott 4304 added [[Category:Human rights activists]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] wikitext text/x-wiki '''{{W|Craig Murray|Craig John Murray}}''' (born 17 October 1958) is a Scottish writer and former diplomat for the UK Foreign and Commonwealth Office. {{politics-stub}} == Quotes == * Uzbekistan is not a functioning democracy, nor does it appear to be moving in the direction of democracy. The major political parties are banned; Parliament is not subject to democratic election and checks and balances on the authority of the electorate are lacking. There is worse: we believe there to be between 7,000 and 10,000 people in detention whom we would consider as political and/or religious prisoners. In many cases they have been falsely convicted of crimes with which there appears to be no credible evidence they had any connection. * There is worse: we believe there to be between 7,000 and 10,000 people in detention whom we would consider as political and/or religious prisoners. In many cases they have been falsely convicted of crimes with which there appears to be no credible evidence they had any connection. ** [https://web.archive.org/web/20080904031404/http://www.eurasianet.org/departments/civilsociety/articles/eav011403.shtml Speech] delivered at Freedom House, Uzbekistan on 17 October 2002, cited by David Stern "British Envoy's Speech Reverberates Reverberates in Uzbekistan" Eurasianet.org (14 January 2003). == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Murray, Craig}} [[Category:1958 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Diplomats of the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Human rights activists]] meuy77vnt2gwfpl8pod7vnilifsv5n4 3152920 3152919 2022-08-09T13:24:22Z UDScott 4304 added [[Category:Scottish journalists]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] wikitext text/x-wiki '''{{W|Craig Murray|Craig John Murray}}''' (born 17 October 1958) is a Scottish writer and former diplomat for the UK Foreign and Commonwealth Office. {{politics-stub}} == Quotes == * Uzbekistan is not a functioning democracy, nor does it appear to be moving in the direction of democracy. The major political parties are banned; Parliament is not subject to democratic election and checks and balances on the authority of the electorate are lacking. There is worse: we believe there to be between 7,000 and 10,000 people in detention whom we would consider as political and/or religious prisoners. In many cases they have been falsely convicted of crimes with which there appears to be no credible evidence they had any connection. * There is worse: we believe there to be between 7,000 and 10,000 people in detention whom we would consider as political and/or religious prisoners. In many cases they have been falsely convicted of crimes with which there appears to be no credible evidence they had any connection. ** [https://web.archive.org/web/20080904031404/http://www.eurasianet.org/departments/civilsociety/articles/eav011403.shtml Speech] delivered at Freedom House, Uzbekistan on 17 October 2002, cited by David Stern "British Envoy's Speech Reverberates Reverberates in Uzbekistan" Eurasianet.org (14 January 2003). == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Murray, Craig}} [[Category:1958 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Diplomats of the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Human rights activists]] [[Category:Scottish journalists]] 4d0s3jp6nla7yaiw8rw2v94tz1gnt6k 0 249984 3152934 2022-08-09T15:08:03Z A23423413 3125316 new page wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Arturo Alfonso Schomburg|Arturo Alfonso Schomburg]]''' (January 24, 1874 – June 10, 1938), was a historian, writer, collector, and activist for equal rights. Schomburg was a Puerto Rican of African and German descent. He moved to the United States in 1891, where he researched and raised awareness of the contributions that Afro-Latin Americans and African Americans have made to society. He was an important intellectual figure in the Harlem Renaissance. Over the years, he collected literature, art, narratives of enslaved people, and other materials of African history, which were purchased to become the basis of the Schomburg Center for Research in Black Culture, named in his honor, at the New York Public Library (NYPL) branch in Harlem. == Quotes == === [https://digitalcollections.nypl.org/items/61304dd0-ea1f-0138-4343-0242ac110004''The Negro Digs Up His Past''] (1925) === * The American Negro must remake his past in order to make his future. * Though it is orthodox to think of America as the one country where it is unnecessary to have a past, what is a luxury for the nation as a whole becomes a prime social necessity for the Negro. For him, a group tradition must supply compensation for persecution, and pride of race the antidote for prejudice. History must restore what slavery took away, for it is the social damage of slavery that the present generations must repair and offset. So among the rising democratic millions we find the Negro thinking more collectively, more retrospectively than the rest, and apt out of the very pressure of the present to become the most enthusiastic antiquarian of them all. * Vindicating evidences of individual achievement have as a matter of fact been gathered and treasured for over a century: Abbé Gregoire's liberal-minded book on Negro notables in 1808 was the pioneer effort * the Negro has been throughout the centuries of controversy an active collaborator, and often a pioneer, in the struggle for his own freedom and advancement. * by virtue of their being regarded as something "exceptional," even by friends and well-wishers, Negroes of attainment and genius have been unfairly disassociated from the group and group credit lost accordingly. * With such crucial truths to document and establish, an ounce of fact is worth a pound of controversy * Here among the rarities of early Negro Americana was Jupiter Hammon's Address to the Negroes of the State of New York, edition of 1787, with the first American Negro poet's famous "If we should ever get to Heaven, we shall find nobody to reproach us for being black, or for being slaves." Here was Phyllis Wheatley's Mss. poem of 1767 addressed to the students of Harvard, her spirited encomiums upon George Washington and the Revolutionary Cause, and John Marrant's St. John's Day eulogy to the "Brothers of African Lodge No. 459" delivered at Boston in 1789. Here too were Lemuel Haynes' Vermont commentaries on the American Revolution and his learned sermons to his white congregation in Rutland, Vermont, and the sermons of the year 1808 by the Rev. Absalom Jones of St. Thomas Church, Philadelphia, and Peter Williams of St. Philip's, New York, pioneer Episcopal rectors who spoke out in daring and influential ways on the Abolition of the Slave Trade. Such things and many others are more than mere items of curiosity: they educate any receptive mind. * Reinforcing these were still rarer items of Africana and foreign Negro interest, the volumes of Juan Latino,7 the best Latinist of Spain in the reign of Philip V, incumbent of the chair of Poetry at the University of Granada, and author of Poems printed there in 1573 and a book on the Escorials published 1576; the Latin and Dutch treatises of Jacobus Eliza Capitein, a native of West Coast Africa and graduate of the University of Leyden, Gustavus Vassa's celebrated autobiography that supplied so much of the evidence in 1796 for Granville Sharpe's attack on slavery in the British colonies, Julien Raymond's Paris exposé of the disabilities of the free people of color in the then (1791) French colony of Hayti, and Baron de Vastey's Cry of the Fatherland, the famous polemic by the secretary of Christophe that precipitated the Haytian struggle for independence. The cumulative effect of such evidences of scholarship and moral prowess is too weighty to be dismissed as exceptional. * Already the Negro sees himself against a reclaimed background, in a perspective that will give pride and self-respect ample scope, and make history yield for him the same values that the treasured past of any people affords. * But weightier surely than any evidence of individual talent and scholarship could ever be, is the evidence of important collaboration and significant pioneer initiative in social service and reform, in the efforts toward race emancipation, colonization and race betterment. From neglected and rust-spotted pages comes testimony to the black men and women who stood shoulder to shoulder in courage and zeal, and often on a parity of intelligence and talent, with their notable white benefactors. There was the already cited work of Vassa that aided so materially the efforts of Granville Sharpe, the record of Paul Cuffee,' the Negro colonization pioneer, associated so importantly with the establishment of Sierra Leone as a British colony for the occupancy of free people of color in West Africa; the dramatic and history-making exposé of John Baptist Phillips,2 African graduate of Edinburgh, who compelled through Lord Bathhurst in 1824 the enforcement of the articles of capitulation guaranteeing freedom to the blacks of Trinidad. There is the record of the pioneer colonization project of Rev. Daniel Coker in conducting a voyage of ninety expatriates to West Africa in 1820, of the missionary efforts of Samuel Crowther in Sierra Leone, first Anglican bishop of his diocese, and that of the work of John Russwurm, a leader in the work and foundation of the American Colonization Society. * When we consider the facts, certain chapters of American history will have to be reopened. Just as black men were influential factors in the campaign against the slave trade, so they were among the earliest instigators of the abolition movement. Indeed there was a dangerous calm between the agitation for the suppression of the slave trade and the beginning of the campaign for emancipation. During that interval colored men were very influential in arousing the attention of public men who in turn aroused the conscience of the country. Continuously between 1808 and 1845, men like Prince Saunders, Peter Williams, Absalom Jones, Nathaniel Paul, and Bishops Varick and Richard Allen,³ the founders of the two wings of African Methodism, spoke out with force and initiative, and men like Denmark Vesey (1822), David Walker (1828) and Nat Turner (1831) advocated and organized schemes for direct action. This culminated in the generally ignored but important conventions of Free People of Color in New York, Philadelphia and other centers, whose platforms and efforts are to the Negro of as great significance as the nationally cherished memories of Faneuil and Independence Halls.' Then with Abolition comes the better documented and more recognized collaboration of Samuel R. Ward, William Wells Brown, Henry Highland Garnett, Martin Delany, Harriet Tubman, Sojourner Truth,and Frederick Douglass with their great colleagues, Tappan, Phillips, Sumner, Mott, Stowe and Garrison. * But even this latter groups who came within the limelight of national and international notice, and thus into open comparison with the best minds of their generation, the public too often regards as a group of inspired illiterates, eloquent echoes of their Abolitionist sponsors. For a true estimate of their ability and scholarship, however, one must go with the antiquarian to the files of the Anglo-African Magazine, where page by page comparisons be made. Their writings show Douglass, McCune Smith, Wells Brown, Delany, Wilmot Blyden and Alexander Crummell to have been as scholarly and versatile as any of the noted publicists with whom they were associated. All of them labored internationally in the cause of their fellows; to Scotland, England, France, Germany and Africa, they carried their brilliant offensive of debate and propaganda, and with this came instance upon instance of signal foreign recognition, from academic, scientific, public and official sources. * After this great era of public interest and discussion, it was Alexander Crummell, who, with the reaction already setting in, first organized Negro brains defensively through the founding of the American Negro Academy in 1897 at Washington. A New York boy whose zeal for education had suffered a rude shock when refused admission to the Episcopal Seminary by Bishop Onderdonk, he had been befriended by John Jay and sent to Cambridge University, England, for his education and ordination. On his return, he was beset with the idea of promoting race scholarship, and the Academy was the final result. It has continued ever since to be one of the bulwarks of our intellectual life, though unfortunately its members have had to spend too much of their energy and effort answering detractors and disproving popular fallacies. Only gradually have the men of this group been able to work toward pure scholarship. * Almost keeping pace with the work of scholarship has been the effort to popularize the results, and to place before Negro youth in the schools the true story of race vicissitude, struggle and accomplishment. So that quite largely now the ambition of Negro youth can be nourished on its own milk. * The blatant Caucasian racialist with his theories and assumptions of race superiority and dominance has in turn bred his Ethiopian counterpart-the rash and rabid amateur who has glibly tried to prove half of the world's geniuses to have been Negroes and to trace the pedigree of nineteenth century Americans from the Queen of Sheba. But fortunately to-day there is on both sides of a really common cause less of the sand of controversy and more of the dust of digging. * The bigotry of civilization which is the taproot of intellectual prejudice begins far back and must be corrected at its source. Fundamentally it has come about from that depreciation of Africa which has sprung up from ignorance of her true rôle and position in human history and the early development of culture. The Negro has been a man without a history because he has been considered a man without a worthy culture. === ''Juan Latino'' (1913) === * The remark attributed to John C. Calhoun,' "that the Negro race was so inferior it could not produce a single individual who could conjugate a Greek verb," was accepted half a century ago in this country as the last word on the subject of the inferiority of the Negro. Thomas Jefferson, one of the fathers of the revolution, and a friend of the Negro race, who was not so dogmatic as Calhoun, said: "I think one (Negro) could scarcely be found capable of tracing and comprehending the investigations of Euclid: and that in imagination they are dull, tasteless and anomalous.... Never yet could I find that a black had uttered a thought above the level of plain narration; never saw even an elementary trait of painting or sculpture. ... Religion indeed, has produced a Phyllis Wheatley, but it could not produce a poet." So much for the American statesmen. * In Europe we have had the historian Hume who said in one of his essays that "there are Negro slaves dispersed all over Europe, of whom none ever discovered any symptoms of ingenuity.... In Jamaica, indeed, they talk of one Negro as a man of parts and learning; but it is likely he is admired for slender accomplishments, like a parrot who speaks a few words plainly." == Quotes about Arturo Alfonso Schomburg == == External links== {{wikipedia}} * [https://web.archive.org/web/20090207083811/http://nypl.org/research/sc/sc.html NYPL Schomburg Center for Research in Black Culture] * [https://nmaahc.si.edu/latinx/arturo-alfonso-schomburg National Museum of African American History & Culture] dq2d04o3j63tkbbyem3qz72q1mzsexi 3152935 3152934 2022-08-09T15:19:01Z UDScott 4304 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Arturo Alfonso Schomburg.jpg|thumb|Arturo Alfonso Schomburg]] '''[[w:Arturo Alfonso Schomburg|Arturo Alfonso Schomburg]]''' (January 24, 1874 – June 10, 1938), was a historian, writer, collector, and activist for equal rights. Schomburg was a [[w:Puerto Rican citizenship|Puerto Rican]] of African and German descent. He moved to the United States in 1891, where he researched and raised awareness of the contributions that [[w:Afro–Latin Americans|Afro-Latin Americans]] and [[w:African Americans|African Americans]] have made to society. He was an important intellectual figure in the [[w:Harlem Renaissance|Harlem Renaissance]]. Over the years, he collected literature, art, [[w:slave narratives|slave narratives]], and other materials of [[w:African history|African history]], which were purchased to become the basis of the [[w:Schomburg Center for Research in Black Culture|Schomburg Center for Research in Black Culture]], named in his honor, at the [[w:New York Public Library|New York Public Library]] (NYPL) branch in [[w:Harlem, New York|Harlem]]. == Quotes == === [https://digitalcollections.nypl.org/items/61304dd0-ea1f-0138-4343-0242ac110004''The Negro Digs Up His Past''] (1925) === * The American Negro must remake his past in order to make his future. * Though it is orthodox to think of America as the one country where it is unnecessary to have a past, what is a luxury for the nation as a whole becomes a prime social necessity for the Negro. For him, a group tradition must supply compensation for persecution, and pride of race the antidote for prejudice. History must restore what slavery took away, for it is the social damage of slavery that the present generations must repair and offset. So among the rising democratic millions we find the Negro thinking more collectively, more retrospectively than the rest, and apt out of the very pressure of the present to become the most enthusiastic antiquarian of them all. * Vindicating evidences of individual achievement have as a matter of fact been gathered and treasured for over a century: Abbé Gregoire's liberal-minded book on Negro notables in 1808 was the pioneer effort * The Negro has been throughout the centuries of controversy an active collaborator, and often a pioneer, in the struggle for his own freedom and advancement. * By virtue of their being regarded as something "exceptional," even by friends and well-wishers, Negroes of attainment and genius have been unfairly disassociated from the group and group credit lost accordingly. * With such crucial truths to document and establish, an ounce of fact is worth a pound of controversy * Here among the rarities of early Negro Americana was Jupiter Hammon's Address to the Negroes of the State of New York, edition of 1787, with the first American Negro poet's famous "If we should ever get to Heaven, we shall find nobody to reproach us for being black, or for being slaves." Here was Phyllis Wheatley's Mss. poem of 1767 addressed to the students of Harvard, her spirited encomiums upon George Washington and the Revolutionary Cause, and John Marrant's St. John's Day eulogy to the "Brothers of African Lodge No. 459" delivered at Boston in 1789. Here too were Lemuel Haynes' Vermont commentaries on the American Revolution and his learned sermons to his white congregation in Rutland, Vermont, and the sermons of the year 1808 by the Rev. Absalom Jones of St. Thomas Church, Philadelphia, and Peter Williams of St. Philip's, New York, pioneer Episcopal rectors who spoke out in daring and influential ways on the Abolition of the Slave Trade. Such things and many others are more than mere items of curiosity: they educate any receptive mind. * Reinforcing these were still rarer items of Africana and foreign Negro interest, the volumes of Juan Latino,7 the best Latinist of Spain in the reign of Philip V, incumbent of the chair of Poetry at the University of Granada, and author of Poems printed there in 1573 and a book on the Escorials published 1576; the Latin and Dutch treatises of Jacobus Eliza Capitein, a native of West Coast Africa and graduate of the University of Leyden, Gustavus Vassa's celebrated autobiography that supplied so much of the evidence in 1796 for Granville Sharpe's attack on slavery in the British colonies, Julien Raymond's Paris exposé of the disabilities of the free people of color in the then (1791) French colony of Hayti, and Baron de Vastey's Cry of the Fatherland, the famous polemic by the secretary of Christophe that precipitated the Haytian struggle for independence. The cumulative effect of such evidences of scholarship and moral prowess is too weighty to be dismissed as exceptional. * Already the Negro sees himself against a reclaimed background, in a perspective that will give pride and self-respect ample scope, and make history yield for him the same values that the treasured past of any people affords. * But weightier surely than any evidence of individual talent and scholarship could ever be, is the evidence of important collaboration and significant pioneer initiative in social service and reform, in the efforts toward race emancipation, colonization and race betterment. From neglected and rust-spotted pages comes testimony to the black men and women who stood shoulder to shoulder in courage and zeal, and often on a parity of intelligence and talent, with their notable white benefactors. There was the already cited work of Vassa that aided so materially the efforts of Granville Sharpe, the record of Paul Cuffee,' the Negro colonization pioneer, associated so importantly with the establishment of Sierra Leone as a British colony for the occupancy of free people of color in West Africa; the dramatic and history-making exposé of John Baptist Phillips,2 African graduate of Edinburgh, who compelled through Lord Bathhurst in 1824 the enforcement of the articles of capitulation guaranteeing freedom to the blacks of Trinidad. There is the record of the pioneer colonization project of Rev. Daniel Coker in conducting a voyage of ninety expatriates to West Africa in 1820, of the missionary efforts of Samuel Crowther in Sierra Leone, first Anglican bishop of his diocese, and that of the work of John Russwurm, a leader in the work and foundation of the American Colonization Society. * When we consider the facts, certain chapters of American history will have to be reopened. Just as black men were influential factors in the campaign against the slave trade, so they were among the earliest instigators of the abolition movement. Indeed there was a dangerous calm between the agitation for the suppression of the slave trade and the beginning of the campaign for emancipation. During that interval colored men were very influential in arousing the attention of public men who in turn aroused the conscience of the country. Continuously between 1808 and 1845, men like Prince Saunders, Peter Williams, Absalom Jones, Nathaniel Paul, and Bishops Varick and Richard Allen,³ the founders of the two wings of African Methodism, spoke out with force and initiative, and men like Denmark Vesey (1822), David Walker (1828) and Nat Turner (1831) advocated and organized schemes for direct action. This culminated in the generally ignored but important conventions of Free People of Color in New York, Philadelphia and other centers, whose platforms and efforts are to the Negro of as great significance as the nationally cherished memories of Faneuil and Independence Halls.' Then with Abolition comes the better documented and more recognized collaboration of Samuel R. Ward, William Wells Brown, Henry Highland Garnett, Martin Delany, Harriet Tubman, Sojourner Truth,and Frederick Douglass with their great colleagues, Tappan, Phillips, Sumner, Mott, Stowe and Garrison. * But even this latter groups who came within the limelight of national and international notice, and thus into open comparison with the best minds of their generation, the public too often regards as a group of inspired illiterates, eloquent echoes of their Abolitionist sponsors. For a true estimate of their ability and scholarship, however, one must go with the antiquarian to the files of the Anglo-African Magazine, where page by page comparisons be made. Their writings show Douglass, McCune Smith, Wells Brown, Delany, Wilmot Blyden and Alexander Crummell to have been as scholarly and versatile as any of the noted publicists with whom they were associated. All of them labored internationally in the cause of their fellows; to Scotland, England, France, Germany and Africa, they carried their brilliant offensive of debate and propaganda, and with this came instance upon instance of signal foreign recognition, from academic, scientific, public and official sources. * After this great era of public interest and discussion, it was Alexander Crummell, who, with the reaction already setting in, first organized Negro brains defensively through the founding of the American Negro Academy in 1897 at Washington. A New York boy whose zeal for education had suffered a rude shock when refused admission to the Episcopal Seminary by Bishop Onderdonk, he had been befriended by John Jay and sent to Cambridge University, England, for his education and ordination. On his return, he was beset with the idea of promoting race scholarship, and the Academy was the final result. It has continued ever since to be one of the bulwarks of our intellectual life, though unfortunately its members have had to spend too much of their energy and effort answering detractors and disproving popular fallacies. Only gradually have the men of this group been able to work toward pure scholarship. * Almost keeping pace with the work of scholarship has been the effort to popularize the results, and to place before Negro youth in the schools the true story of race vicissitude, struggle and accomplishment. So that quite largely now the ambition of Negro youth can be nourished on its own milk. * The blatant Caucasian racialist with his theories and assumptions of race superiority and dominance has in turn bred his Ethiopian counterpart-the rash and rabid amateur who has glibly tried to prove half of the world's geniuses to have been Negroes and to trace the pedigree of nineteenth century Americans from the Queen of Sheba. But fortunately to-day there is on both sides of a really common cause less of the sand of controversy and more of the dust of digging. * The bigotry of civilization which is the taproot of intellectual prejudice begins far back and must be corrected at its source. Fundamentally it has come about from that depreciation of Africa which has sprung up from ignorance of her true rôle and position in human history and the early development of culture. The Negro has been a man without a history because he has been considered a man without a worthy culture. === ''Juan Latino'' (1913) === * The remark attributed to John C. Calhoun,' "that the Negro race was so inferior it could not produce a single individual who could conjugate a Greek verb," was accepted half a century ago in this country as the last word on the subject of the inferiority of the Negro. Thomas Jefferson, one of the fathers of the revolution, and a friend of the Negro race, who was not so dogmatic as Calhoun, said: "I think one (Negro) could scarcely be found capable of tracing and comprehending the investigations of Euclid: and that in imagination they are dull, tasteless and anomalous.... Never yet could I find that a black had uttered a thought above the level of plain narration; never saw even an elementary trait of painting or sculpture. ... Religion indeed, has produced a Phyllis Wheatley, but it could not produce a poet." So much for the American statesmen. * In Europe we have had the historian Hume who said in one of his essays that "there are Negro slaves dispersed all over Europe, of whom none ever discovered any symptoms of ingenuity.... In Jamaica, indeed, they talk of one Negro as a man of parts and learning; but it is likely he is admired for slender accomplishments, like a parrot who speaks a few words plainly." == External links== {{wikipedia}} * [https://web.archive.org/web/20090207083811/http://nypl.org/research/sc/sc.html NYPL Schomburg Center for Research in Black Culture] * [https://nmaahc.si.edu/latinx/arturo-alfonso-schomburg National Museum of African American History & Culture] {{DEFAULTSORT:Schomburg, Arturo Alfonso}} dvvxlv59bvt4qdv04pk7s22hr5uxz8k 3152936 3152935 2022-08-09T15:22:08Z UDScott 4304 + 10 categories using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Arturo Alfonso Schomburg.jpg|thumb|Arturo Alfonso Schomburg]] '''[[w:Arturo Alfonso Schomburg|Arturo Alfonso Schomburg]]''' (January 24, 1874 – June 10, 1938), was a historian, writer, collector, and activist for equal rights. Schomburg was a [[w:Puerto Rican citizenship|Puerto Rican]] of African and German descent. He moved to the United States in 1891, where he researched and raised awareness of the contributions that [[w:Afro–Latin Americans|Afro-Latin Americans]] and [[w:African Americans|African Americans]] have made to society. He was an important intellectual figure in the [[w:Harlem Renaissance|Harlem Renaissance]]. Over the years, he collected literature, art, [[w:slave narratives|slave narratives]], and other materials of [[w:African history|African history]], which were purchased to become the basis of the [[w:Schomburg Center for Research in Black Culture|Schomburg Center for Research in Black Culture]], named in his honor, at the [[w:New York Public Library|New York Public Library]] (NYPL) branch in [[w:Harlem, New York|Harlem]]. == Quotes == === [https://digitalcollections.nypl.org/items/61304dd0-ea1f-0138-4343-0242ac110004''The Negro Digs Up His Past''] (1925) === * The American Negro must remake his past in order to make his future. * Though it is orthodox to think of America as the one country where it is unnecessary to have a past, what is a luxury for the nation as a whole becomes a prime social necessity for the Negro. For him, a group tradition must supply compensation for persecution, and pride of race the antidote for prejudice. History must restore what slavery took away, for it is the social damage of slavery that the present generations must repair and offset. So among the rising democratic millions we find the Negro thinking more collectively, more retrospectively than the rest, and apt out of the very pressure of the present to become the most enthusiastic antiquarian of them all. * Vindicating evidences of individual achievement have as a matter of fact been gathered and treasured for over a century: Abbé Gregoire's liberal-minded book on Negro notables in 1808 was the pioneer effort * The Negro has been throughout the centuries of controversy an active collaborator, and often a pioneer, in the struggle for his own freedom and advancement. * By virtue of their being regarded as something "exceptional," even by friends and well-wishers, Negroes of attainment and genius have been unfairly disassociated from the group and group credit lost accordingly. * With such crucial truths to document and establish, an ounce of fact is worth a pound of controversy * Here among the rarities of early Negro Americana was Jupiter Hammon's Address to the Negroes of the State of New York, edition of 1787, with the first American Negro poet's famous "If we should ever get to Heaven, we shall find nobody to reproach us for being black, or for being slaves." Here was Phyllis Wheatley's Mss. poem of 1767 addressed to the students of Harvard, her spirited encomiums upon George Washington and the Revolutionary Cause, and John Marrant's St. John's Day eulogy to the "Brothers of African Lodge No. 459" delivered at Boston in 1789. Here too were Lemuel Haynes' Vermont commentaries on the American Revolution and his learned sermons to his white congregation in Rutland, Vermont, and the sermons of the year 1808 by the Rev. Absalom Jones of St. Thomas Church, Philadelphia, and Peter Williams of St. Philip's, New York, pioneer Episcopal rectors who spoke out in daring and influential ways on the Abolition of the Slave Trade. Such things and many others are more than mere items of curiosity: they educate any receptive mind. * Reinforcing these were still rarer items of Africana and foreign Negro interest, the volumes of Juan Latino,7 the best Latinist of Spain in the reign of Philip V, incumbent of the chair of Poetry at the University of Granada, and author of Poems printed there in 1573 and a book on the Escorials published 1576; the Latin and Dutch treatises of Jacobus Eliza Capitein, a native of West Coast Africa and graduate of the University of Leyden, Gustavus Vassa's celebrated autobiography that supplied so much of the evidence in 1796 for Granville Sharpe's attack on slavery in the British colonies, Julien Raymond's Paris exposé of the disabilities of the free people of color in the then (1791) French colony of Hayti, and Baron de Vastey's Cry of the Fatherland, the famous polemic by the secretary of Christophe that precipitated the Haytian struggle for independence. The cumulative effect of such evidences of scholarship and moral prowess is too weighty to be dismissed as exceptional. * Already the Negro sees himself against a reclaimed background, in a perspective that will give pride and self-respect ample scope, and make history yield for him the same values that the treasured past of any people affords. * But weightier surely than any evidence of individual talent and scholarship could ever be, is the evidence of important collaboration and significant pioneer initiative in social service and reform, in the efforts toward race emancipation, colonization and race betterment. From neglected and rust-spotted pages comes testimony to the black men and women who stood shoulder to shoulder in courage and zeal, and often on a parity of intelligence and talent, with their notable white benefactors. There was the already cited work of Vassa that aided so materially the efforts of Granville Sharpe, the record of Paul Cuffee,' the Negro colonization pioneer, associated so importantly with the establishment of Sierra Leone as a British colony for the occupancy of free people of color in West Africa; the dramatic and history-making exposé of John Baptist Phillips,2 African graduate of Edinburgh, who compelled through Lord Bathhurst in 1824 the enforcement of the articles of capitulation guaranteeing freedom to the blacks of Trinidad. There is the record of the pioneer colonization project of Rev. Daniel Coker in conducting a voyage of ninety expatriates to West Africa in 1820, of the missionary efforts of Samuel Crowther in Sierra Leone, first Anglican bishop of his diocese, and that of the work of John Russwurm, a leader in the work and foundation of the American Colonization Society. * When we consider the facts, certain chapters of American history will have to be reopened. Just as black men were influential factors in the campaign against the slave trade, so they were among the earliest instigators of the abolition movement. Indeed there was a dangerous calm between the agitation for the suppression of the slave trade and the beginning of the campaign for emancipation. During that interval colored men were very influential in arousing the attention of public men who in turn aroused the conscience of the country. Continuously between 1808 and 1845, men like Prince Saunders, Peter Williams, Absalom Jones, Nathaniel Paul, and Bishops Varick and Richard Allen,³ the founders of the two wings of African Methodism, spoke out with force and initiative, and men like Denmark Vesey (1822), David Walker (1828) and Nat Turner (1831) advocated and organized schemes for direct action. This culminated in the generally ignored but important conventions of Free People of Color in New York, Philadelphia and other centers, whose platforms and efforts are to the Negro of as great significance as the nationally cherished memories of Faneuil and Independence Halls.' Then with Abolition comes the better documented and more recognized collaboration of Samuel R. Ward, William Wells Brown, Henry Highland Garnett, Martin Delany, Harriet Tubman, Sojourner Truth,and Frederick Douglass with their great colleagues, Tappan, Phillips, Sumner, Mott, Stowe and Garrison. * But even this latter groups who came within the limelight of national and international notice, and thus into open comparison with the best minds of their generation, the public too often regards as a group of inspired illiterates, eloquent echoes of their Abolitionist sponsors. For a true estimate of their ability and scholarship, however, one must go with the antiquarian to the files of the Anglo-African Magazine, where page by page comparisons be made. Their writings show Douglass, McCune Smith, Wells Brown, Delany, Wilmot Blyden and Alexander Crummell to have been as scholarly and versatile as any of the noted publicists with whom they were associated. All of them labored internationally in the cause of their fellows; to Scotland, England, France, Germany and Africa, they carried their brilliant offensive of debate and propaganda, and with this came instance upon instance of signal foreign recognition, from academic, scientific, public and official sources. * After this great era of public interest and discussion, it was Alexander Crummell, who, with the reaction already setting in, first organized Negro brains defensively through the founding of the American Negro Academy in 1897 at Washington. A New York boy whose zeal for education had suffered a rude shock when refused admission to the Episcopal Seminary by Bishop Onderdonk, he had been befriended by John Jay and sent to Cambridge University, England, for his education and ordination. On his return, he was beset with the idea of promoting race scholarship, and the Academy was the final result. It has continued ever since to be one of the bulwarks of our intellectual life, though unfortunately its members have had to spend too much of their energy and effort answering detractors and disproving popular fallacies. Only gradually have the men of this group been able to work toward pure scholarship. * Almost keeping pace with the work of scholarship has been the effort to popularize the results, and to place before Negro youth in the schools the true story of race vicissitude, struggle and accomplishment. So that quite largely now the ambition of Negro youth can be nourished on its own milk. * The blatant Caucasian racialist with his theories and assumptions of race superiority and dominance has in turn bred his Ethiopian counterpart-the rash and rabid amateur who has glibly tried to prove half of the world's geniuses to have been Negroes and to trace the pedigree of nineteenth century Americans from the Queen of Sheba. But fortunately to-day there is on both sides of a really common cause less of the sand of controversy and more of the dust of digging. * The bigotry of civilization which is the taproot of intellectual prejudice begins far back and must be corrected at its source. Fundamentally it has come about from that depreciation of Africa which has sprung up from ignorance of her true rôle and position in human history and the early development of culture. The Negro has been a man without a history because he has been considered a man without a worthy culture. === ''Juan Latino'' (1913) === * The remark attributed to John C. Calhoun,' "that the Negro race was so inferior it could not produce a single individual who could conjugate a Greek verb," was accepted half a century ago in this country as the last word on the subject of the inferiority of the Negro. Thomas Jefferson, one of the fathers of the revolution, and a friend of the Negro race, who was not so dogmatic as Calhoun, said: "I think one (Negro) could scarcely be found capable of tracing and comprehending the investigations of Euclid: and that in imagination they are dull, tasteless and anomalous.... Never yet could I find that a black had uttered a thought above the level of plain narration; never saw even an elementary trait of painting or sculpture. ... Religion indeed, has produced a Phyllis Wheatley, but it could not produce a poet." So much for the American statesmen. * In Europe we have had the historian Hume who said in one of his essays that "there are Negro slaves dispersed all over Europe, of whom none ever discovered any symptoms of ingenuity.... In Jamaica, indeed, they talk of one Negro as a man of parts and learning; but it is likely he is admired for slender accomplishments, like a parrot who speaks a few words plainly." == External links== {{wikipedia}} * [https://web.archive.org/web/20090207083811/http://nypl.org/research/sc/sc.html NYPL Schomburg Center for Research in Black Culture] * [https://nmaahc.si.edu/latinx/arturo-alfonso-schomburg National Museum of African American History & Culture] {{DEFAULTSORT:Schomburg, Arturo Alfonso}} [[Category:Historians from the United States]] [[Category:Non-fiction authors from the United States]] [[Category:Civil rights activists]] [[Category:Puerto Ricans]] [[Category:Educators from the United States]] [[Category:Librarians from the United States]] [[Category:African Americans]] [[Category:Catholics from the United States]] [[Category:1874 births]] [[Category:1938 deaths]] catawbxr2klipu5sxjyrchfw7imy80q 3152938 3152936 2022-08-09T15:36:02Z GreenMeansGo 2108323 /* External links */ {{Commons cat}} {{Wikisource author|Arturo Alfonso Schomburg}} wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Arturo Alfonso Schomburg.jpg|thumb|Arturo Alfonso Schomburg]] '''[[w:Arturo Alfonso Schomburg|Arturo Alfonso Schomburg]]''' (January 24, 1874 – June 10, 1938), was a historian, writer, collector, and activist for equal rights. Schomburg was a [[w:Puerto Rican citizenship|Puerto Rican]] of African and German descent. He moved to the United States in 1891, where he researched and raised awareness of the contributions that [[w:Afro–Latin Americans|Afro-Latin Americans]] and [[w:African Americans|African Americans]] have made to society. He was an important intellectual figure in the [[w:Harlem Renaissance|Harlem Renaissance]]. Over the years, he collected literature, art, [[w:slave narratives|slave narratives]], and other materials of [[w:African history|African history]], which were purchased to become the basis of the [[w:Schomburg Center for Research in Black Culture|Schomburg Center for Research in Black Culture]], named in his honor, at the [[w:New York Public Library|New York Public Library]] (NYPL) branch in [[w:Harlem, New York|Harlem]]. == Quotes == === [https://digitalcollections.nypl.org/items/61304dd0-ea1f-0138-4343-0242ac110004''The Negro Digs Up His Past''] (1925) === * The American Negro must remake his past in order to make his future. * Though it is orthodox to think of America as the one country where it is unnecessary to have a past, what is a luxury for the nation as a whole becomes a prime social necessity for the Negro. For him, a group tradition must supply compensation for persecution, and pride of race the antidote for prejudice. History must restore what slavery took away, for it is the social damage of slavery that the present generations must repair and offset. So among the rising democratic millions we find the Negro thinking more collectively, more retrospectively than the rest, and apt out of the very pressure of the present to become the most enthusiastic antiquarian of them all. * Vindicating evidences of individual achievement have as a matter of fact been gathered and treasured for over a century: Abbé Gregoire's liberal-minded book on Negro notables in 1808 was the pioneer effort * The Negro has been throughout the centuries of controversy an active collaborator, and often a pioneer, in the struggle for his own freedom and advancement. * By virtue of their being regarded as something "exceptional," even by friends and well-wishers, Negroes of attainment and genius have been unfairly disassociated from the group and group credit lost accordingly. * With such crucial truths to document and establish, an ounce of fact is worth a pound of controversy * Here among the rarities of early Negro Americana was Jupiter Hammon's Address to the Negroes of the State of New York, edition of 1787, with the first American Negro poet's famous "If we should ever get to Heaven, we shall find nobody to reproach us for being black, or for being slaves." Here was Phyllis Wheatley's Mss. poem of 1767 addressed to the students of Harvard, her spirited encomiums upon George Washington and the Revolutionary Cause, and John Marrant's St. John's Day eulogy to the "Brothers of African Lodge No. 459" delivered at Boston in 1789. Here too were Lemuel Haynes' Vermont commentaries on the American Revolution and his learned sermons to his white congregation in Rutland, Vermont, and the sermons of the year 1808 by the Rev. Absalom Jones of St. Thomas Church, Philadelphia, and Peter Williams of St. Philip's, New York, pioneer Episcopal rectors who spoke out in daring and influential ways on the Abolition of the Slave Trade. Such things and many others are more than mere items of curiosity: they educate any receptive mind. * Reinforcing these were still rarer items of Africana and foreign Negro interest, the volumes of Juan Latino,7 the best Latinist of Spain in the reign of Philip V, incumbent of the chair of Poetry at the University of Granada, and author of Poems printed there in 1573 and a book on the Escorials published 1576; the Latin and Dutch treatises of Jacobus Eliza Capitein, a native of West Coast Africa and graduate of the University of Leyden, Gustavus Vassa's celebrated autobiography that supplied so much of the evidence in 1796 for Granville Sharpe's attack on slavery in the British colonies, Julien Raymond's Paris exposé of the disabilities of the free people of color in the then (1791) French colony of Hayti, and Baron de Vastey's Cry of the Fatherland, the famous polemic by the secretary of Christophe that precipitated the Haytian struggle for independence. The cumulative effect of such evidences of scholarship and moral prowess is too weighty to be dismissed as exceptional. * Already the Negro sees himself against a reclaimed background, in a perspective that will give pride and self-respect ample scope, and make history yield for him the same values that the treasured past of any people affords. * But weightier surely than any evidence of individual talent and scholarship could ever be, is the evidence of important collaboration and significant pioneer initiative in social service and reform, in the efforts toward race emancipation, colonization and race betterment. From neglected and rust-spotted pages comes testimony to the black men and women who stood shoulder to shoulder in courage and zeal, and often on a parity of intelligence and talent, with their notable white benefactors. There was the already cited work of Vassa that aided so materially the efforts of Granville Sharpe, the record of Paul Cuffee,' the Negro colonization pioneer, associated so importantly with the establishment of Sierra Leone as a British colony for the occupancy of free people of color in West Africa; the dramatic and history-making exposé of John Baptist Phillips,2 African graduate of Edinburgh, who compelled through Lord Bathhurst in 1824 the enforcement of the articles of capitulation guaranteeing freedom to the blacks of Trinidad. There is the record of the pioneer colonization project of Rev. Daniel Coker in conducting a voyage of ninety expatriates to West Africa in 1820, of the missionary efforts of Samuel Crowther in Sierra Leone, first Anglican bishop of his diocese, and that of the work of John Russwurm, a leader in the work and foundation of the American Colonization Society. * When we consider the facts, certain chapters of American history will have to be reopened. Just as black men were influential factors in the campaign against the slave trade, so they were among the earliest instigators of the abolition movement. Indeed there was a dangerous calm between the agitation for the suppression of the slave trade and the beginning of the campaign for emancipation. During that interval colored men were very influential in arousing the attention of public men who in turn aroused the conscience of the country. Continuously between 1808 and 1845, men like Prince Saunders, Peter Williams, Absalom Jones, Nathaniel Paul, and Bishops Varick and Richard Allen,³ the founders of the two wings of African Methodism, spoke out with force and initiative, and men like Denmark Vesey (1822), David Walker (1828) and Nat Turner (1831) advocated and organized schemes for direct action. This culminated in the generally ignored but important conventions of Free People of Color in New York, Philadelphia and other centers, whose platforms and efforts are to the Negro of as great significance as the nationally cherished memories of Faneuil and Independence Halls.' Then with Abolition comes the better documented and more recognized collaboration of Samuel R. Ward, William Wells Brown, Henry Highland Garnett, Martin Delany, Harriet Tubman, Sojourner Truth,and Frederick Douglass with their great colleagues, Tappan, Phillips, Sumner, Mott, Stowe and Garrison. * But even this latter groups who came within the limelight of national and international notice, and thus into open comparison with the best minds of their generation, the public too often regards as a group of inspired illiterates, eloquent echoes of their Abolitionist sponsors. For a true estimate of their ability and scholarship, however, one must go with the antiquarian to the files of the Anglo-African Magazine, where page by page comparisons be made. Their writings show Douglass, McCune Smith, Wells Brown, Delany, Wilmot Blyden and Alexander Crummell to have been as scholarly and versatile as any of the noted publicists with whom they were associated. All of them labored internationally in the cause of their fellows; to Scotland, England, France, Germany and Africa, they carried their brilliant offensive of debate and propaganda, and with this came instance upon instance of signal foreign recognition, from academic, scientific, public and official sources. * After this great era of public interest and discussion, it was Alexander Crummell, who, with the reaction already setting in, first organized Negro brains defensively through the founding of the American Negro Academy in 1897 at Washington. A New York boy whose zeal for education had suffered a rude shock when refused admission to the Episcopal Seminary by Bishop Onderdonk, he had been befriended by John Jay and sent to Cambridge University, England, for his education and ordination. On his return, he was beset with the idea of promoting race scholarship, and the Academy was the final result. It has continued ever since to be one of the bulwarks of our intellectual life, though unfortunately its members have had to spend too much of their energy and effort answering detractors and disproving popular fallacies. Only gradually have the men of this group been able to work toward pure scholarship. * Almost keeping pace with the work of scholarship has been the effort to popularize the results, and to place before Negro youth in the schools the true story of race vicissitude, struggle and accomplishment. So that quite largely now the ambition of Negro youth can be nourished on its own milk. * The blatant Caucasian racialist with his theories and assumptions of race superiority and dominance has in turn bred his Ethiopian counterpart-the rash and rabid amateur who has glibly tried to prove half of the world's geniuses to have been Negroes and to trace the pedigree of nineteenth century Americans from the Queen of Sheba. But fortunately to-day there is on both sides of a really common cause less of the sand of controversy and more of the dust of digging. * The bigotry of civilization which is the taproot of intellectual prejudice begins far back and must be corrected at its source. Fundamentally it has come about from that depreciation of Africa which has sprung up from ignorance of her true rôle and position in human history and the early development of culture. The Negro has been a man without a history because he has been considered a man without a worthy culture. === ''Juan Latino'' (1913) === * The remark attributed to John C. Calhoun,' "that the Negro race was so inferior it could not produce a single individual who could conjugate a Greek verb," was accepted half a century ago in this country as the last word on the subject of the inferiority of the Negro. Thomas Jefferson, one of the fathers of the revolution, and a friend of the Negro race, who was not so dogmatic as Calhoun, said: "I think one (Negro) could scarcely be found capable of tracing and comprehending the investigations of Euclid: and that in imagination they are dull, tasteless and anomalous.... Never yet could I find that a black had uttered a thought above the level of plain narration; never saw even an elementary trait of painting or sculpture. ... Religion indeed, has produced a Phyllis Wheatley, but it could not produce a poet." So much for the American statesmen. * In Europe we have had the historian Hume who said in one of his essays that "there are Negro slaves dispersed all over Europe, of whom none ever discovered any symptoms of ingenuity.... In Jamaica, indeed, they talk of one Negro as a man of parts and learning; but it is likely he is admired for slender accomplishments, like a parrot who speaks a few words plainly." == External links== {{wikipedia}} {{Commons cat}} {{Wikisource author|Arturo Alfonso Schomburg}} * [https://web.archive.org/web/20090207083811/http://nypl.org/research/sc/sc.html NYPL Schomburg Center for Research in Black Culture] * [https://nmaahc.si.edu/latinx/arturo-alfonso-schomburg National Museum of African American History & Culture] {{DEFAULTSORT:Schomburg, Arturo Alfonso}} [[Category:Historians from the United States]] [[Category:Non-fiction authors from the United States]] [[Category:Civil rights activists]] [[Category:Puerto Ricans]] [[Category:Educators from the United States]] [[Category:Librarians from the United States]] [[Category:African Americans]] [[Category:Catholics from the United States]] [[Category:1874 births]] [[Category:1938 deaths]] c4bz0l0pz9mgn5485qnc3t3bb2blglm 0 249985 3152959 2022-08-09T17:36:49Z Gilldragon 2514030 Created page with "'''[[w:Jean-Claude Hollerich|]]''' (9 August 1958 –) is a Luxembourg prelate of the Catholic Church who serves as the archbishop of the [[w:Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Luxembourg|Archdiocese of Luxembourg]]. == Quotes == *War is the fruit of sin, and perhaps, we have forgotten sin too much in our prosperous Europe. But sin is present. ** [https://www.vaticannews.va/en/church/news/2022-02/cardinal-hollerich-ukraine-russia-florence-charter-peace.html Cardinal Holleri..." wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Jean-Claude Hollerich|Jean-Claude Hollerich]]''' (9 August 1958 –) is a Luxembourg prelate of the Catholic Church who serves as the archbishop of the [[w:Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Luxembourg|Archdiocese of Luxembourg]]. == Quotes == *War is the fruit of sin, and perhaps, we have forgotten sin too much in our prosperous Europe. But sin is present. ** [https://www.vaticannews.va/en/church/news/2022-02/cardinal-hollerich-ukraine-russia-florence-charter-peace.html Cardinal Hollerich on Ukraine crisis: War is a consequence of sin (27 February 2022) ''Vatican News''] == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{commonscat}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Hollerich, Jean-Claude}} [[Category:1958 births]] [[Category:Jesuits]] [[Category:Cardinals]] [[Category:Living people]] okz9clcuev9dp9fdzfs5ir1ic06pqyx 0 249986 3153001 2022-08-09T20:35:09Z Shvili1962 1656620 Created page with "Andriy Kobolyev ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{Edited}}" wikitext text/x-wiki Andriy Kobolyev ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{Edited}} oqezmggkx87ai7nvs53gy3gmlz1018s 3153013 3153001 2022-08-09T22:15:18Z Shvili1962 1656620 Moved from w:Andriy Kobolyev wikitext text/x-wiki Andriy Kobolyev ==Quotes == ===On Energy sanctions against Russia=== After the [[2022 Russian invasion of Ukraine]], Andriy Kobolyev is spearheading an international push for comprehensive western energy sanctions against Russia [The Guardian], using all his connections, experience, and knowledge. <ref name=":9">{{cite web| url=https://www.theguardian.com/world/2022/mar/14/west-putin-sacred-cash-cow-russia-ukraine-gas |title=Can the west slaughter Putin’s sacred cash cow? |website=[[The Guardian]]|date=March 14, 2022}}</ref> In particular, he insists on a full-scale energy [[embargo]] on Russia. Kobolyev assures that [[Europe]] can help Ukraine by ending Russia's energy [[stranglehold]]. ''“There is no reason for the EU not to place an immediate embargo on supplies of Russian LNG and petroleum products. Russia's energy stranglehold has lasted for too long. This step will save lives, and not only in Ukraine,”'' said Andriy Kobolyev. <ref name=":8"/> Kobolyev assures that Russian aggression will not stop with Ukraine unless there is strong [[retaliation]] from the west. ''“Beyond the military domain, the most obvious target for such retaliation is Russian energy exports, which account for roughly 36 percent of the country's total budget revenues, most of which are used to fund military expenditure. Europe should move fast to replace Russian energy supplies permanently”,'' Kobolyev wrote. <ref name=":8"/> In his column in ''[[Financial Times]]'', Andriy Kobolyev wrote that Europe is heavily dependent on energy supplied by Russia, but the dependence goes both ways. ''“Moreover, the EU's Green Deal, which commits the bloc to become carbon-neutral by 2050, means the balance of bargaining power has shifted decisively from fossil fuel producers to consumers. European governments must use that advantage to sanction Russian energy exports in a way that will not damage their economies. The best approach is the tried and tested [[iran sanctions|Iranian sanction model]]: natural gas can flow from Gazprom to Europe. However, all proceeds are kept in special [[Escrow account|escrow accounts]] in European banks until Russia meets certain conditions.”'' <ref name=":8"/> Sums might be deducted to pay for the reconstruction of Ukraine. Andriy Kobolyev claimed Russia could not physically turn off the gas taps immediately, taking Europe through to next winter. <ref name=":9"/> ''“However, shifting gas sales, for example, to [[China|Chinese]] markets is not possible,”'' Kobolyev said. ''“In the case of China, it might take 10 to 15 years to build the [[infrastructure]]. The existing pipeline to China is small and is not connected to the areas currently supplying Europe. To lose your biggest, most lucrative market, to lose 80% of your [[Revenue|revenues]], and become fully dependent on China, does not look like a very smart or strategic move. That does not look like a victory.”'' <ref name=":9"/> ''“The Russians and Putin have always believed Europe can never survive without Russian oil,"'' Kobolyev explained. ''“Putin thinks if he wins in Ukraine, the Kremlin will be forgiven because there is no alternative, and the west is weak. That is how he thinks, how Gazprom thinks, and how Rosneft thinks. That is how they see the world. That is why Putin personally controls the energy trade. It is his sacred cash cow.”'' Kobolyev is convinced that other sources could be found if the EU banned Russian oil. ''“There is a Russian proverb: a sacred place is never empty for long,”'' he said. <ref name=":9"/> Also, Andriy Kobolyev was [[lobbying]] for Ukraine's [[synchronization]] with the [[electricity grid]] of continental Europe. On March 16, 2022, [[Ukraine]] and [[Moldova]] synchronized power links to continental Europe. The process accelerated after the emergency request due to war. <ref>{{cite web| url=https://www.bloomberg.com/news/articles/2022-03-16/ukraine-starts-trial-connection-to-european-electricity-grid |title=Ukraine Starts Trial Connection to European Electricity Grid |website=[[Bloomberg L.P.]]|date=March 16, 2022}}</ref> ==External links== {{wikipedia}} n6iyihjysz3vekhq2b4lpuodkvyqud8 3153014 3153013 2022-08-09T22:17:11Z Shvili1962 1656620 /* External links */ wikitext text/x-wiki Andriy Kobolyev ==Quotes == ===On Energy sanctions against Russia=== After the [[2022 Russian invasion of Ukraine]], Andriy Kobolyev is spearheading an international push for comprehensive western energy sanctions against Russia [The Guardian], using all his connections, experience, and knowledge. <ref name=":9">{{cite web| url=https://www.theguardian.com/world/2022/mar/14/west-putin-sacred-cash-cow-russia-ukraine-gas |title=Can the west slaughter Putin’s sacred cash cow? |website=[[The Guardian]]|date=March 14, 2022}}</ref> In particular, he insists on a full-scale energy [[embargo]] on Russia. Kobolyev assures that [[Europe]] can help Ukraine by ending Russia's energy [[stranglehold]]. ''“There is no reason for the EU not to place an immediate embargo on supplies of Russian LNG and petroleum products. Russia's energy stranglehold has lasted for too long. This step will save lives, and not only in Ukraine,”'' said Andriy Kobolyev. <ref name=":8"/> Kobolyev assures that Russian aggression will not stop with Ukraine unless there is strong [[retaliation]] from the west. ''“Beyond the military domain, the most obvious target for such retaliation is Russian energy exports, which account for roughly 36 percent of the country's total budget revenues, most of which are used to fund military expenditure. Europe should move fast to replace Russian energy supplies permanently”,'' Kobolyev wrote. <ref name=":8"/> In his column in ''[[Financial Times]]'', Andriy Kobolyev wrote that Europe is heavily dependent on energy supplied by Russia, but the dependence goes both ways. ''“Moreover, the EU's Green Deal, which commits the bloc to become carbon-neutral by 2050, means the balance of bargaining power has shifted decisively from fossil fuel producers to consumers. European governments must use that advantage to sanction Russian energy exports in a way that will not damage their economies. The best approach is the tried and tested [[iran sanctions|Iranian sanction model]]: natural gas can flow from Gazprom to Europe. However, all proceeds are kept in special [[Escrow account|escrow accounts]] in European banks until Russia meets certain conditions.”'' <ref name=":8"/> Sums might be deducted to pay for the reconstruction of Ukraine. Andriy Kobolyev claimed Russia could not physically turn off the gas taps immediately, taking Europe through to next winter. <ref name=":9"/> ''“However, shifting gas sales, for example, to [[China|Chinese]] markets is not possible,”'' Kobolyev said. ''“In the case of China, it might take 10 to 15 years to build the [[infrastructure]]. The existing pipeline to China is small and is not connected to the areas currently supplying Europe. To lose your biggest, most lucrative market, to lose 80% of your [[Revenue|revenues]], and become fully dependent on China, does not look like a very smart or strategic move. That does not look like a victory.”'' <ref name=":9"/> ''“The Russians and Putin have always believed Europe can never survive without Russian oil,"'' Kobolyev explained. ''“Putin thinks if he wins in Ukraine, the Kremlin will be forgiven because there is no alternative, and the west is weak. That is how he thinks, how Gazprom thinks, and how Rosneft thinks. That is how they see the world. That is why Putin personally controls the energy trade. It is his sacred cash cow.”'' Kobolyev is convinced that other sources could be found if the EU banned Russian oil. ''“There is a Russian proverb: a sacred place is never empty for long,”'' he said. <ref name=":9"/> Also, Andriy Kobolyev was [[lobbying]] for Ukraine's [[synchronization]] with the [[electricity grid]] of continental Europe. On March 16, 2022, [[Ukraine]] and [[Moldova]] synchronized power links to continental Europe. The process accelerated after the emergency request due to war. <ref>{{cite web| url=https://www.bloomberg.com/news/articles/2022-03-16/ukraine-starts-trial-connection-to-european-electricity-grid |title=Ukraine Starts Trial Connection to European Electricity Grid |website=[[Bloomberg L.P.]]|date=March 16, 2022}}</ref> == References== ==External links== {{wikipedia}} cvgljwj58y6tl78wacxz9qkkn7fop1s 3153017 3153014 2022-08-09T22:25:04Z Shvili1962 1656620 /* On Energy sanctions against Russia */ wikitext text/x-wiki Andriy Kobolyev ==Quotes == ===On Energy sanctions against Russia=== * There is no reason for the EU not to place an immediate embargo on supplies of Russian LNG and petroleum products. Russia's energy stranglehold has lasted for too long. This step will save lives, and not only in Ukraine. * Beyond the military domain, the most obvious target for such retaliation is Russian energy exports, which account for roughly 36 percent of the country's total budget revenues, most of which are used to fund military expenditure. Europe should move fast to replace Russian energy supplies permanently. In his column in ''[[Financial Times]]'', Andriy Kobolyev wrote that Europe is heavily dependent on energy supplied by Rnce goes both ways. ''“Moreover, the EU's Green Deal, which commits the bloc to become carbon-neutral by 2050, means the balance of bargaining power has shifted decisively from fossil fuel producers to consumers. European governments must use that advantage to sanction Russian energy exports in a way that will not damage their economies. The best approach is the tried and tested [[iran sanctions|Iranian sanction model]]: natural gas can flow from Gazprom to Europe. However, all proceeds are kept in special [[Escrow account|escrow accounts]] in European banks until Russia meets certain conditions.”'' <ref name=":8"/> Sums might be deducted to pay for the reconstruction of Ukraine. Andriy Kobolyev claimed Russia could not physically turn off the gas taps immediately, taking Europe through to next winter. <ref name=":9"/> ''“However, shifting gas sales, for example, to [[China|Chinese]] markets is not possible,”'' Kobolyev said. ''“In the case of China, it might take 10 to 15 years to build the [[infrastructure]]. The existing pipeline to China is small and is not connected to the areas currently supplying Europe. To lose your biggest, most lucrative market, to lose 80% of your [[Revenue|revenues]], and become fully dependent on China, does not look like a very smart or strategic move. That does not look like a victory.”'' <ref name=":9"/> ''“The Russians and Putin have always believed Europe can never survive without Russian oil,"'' Kobolyev explained. ''“Putin thinks if he wins in Ukraine, the Kremlin will be forgiven because there is no alternative, and the west is weak. That is how he thinks, how Gazprom thinks, and how Rosneft thinks. That is how they see the world. That is why Putin personally controls the energy trade. It is his sacred cash cow.”'' Kobolyev is convinced that other sources could be found if the EU banned Russian oil. ''“There is a Russian proverb: a sacred place is never empty for long,”'' he said. <ref name=":9"/> Also, Andriy Kobolyev was [[lobbying]] for Ukraine's [[synchronization]] with the [[electricity grid]] of continental Europe. On March 16, 2022, [[Ukraine]] and [[Moldova]] synchronized power links to continental Europe. The process accelerated after the emergency request due to war. <ref>{{cite web| url=https://www.bloomberg.com/news/articles/2022-03-16/ukraine-starts-trial-connection-to-european-electricity-grid |title=Ukraine Starts Trial Connection to European Electricity Grid |website=[[Bloomberg L.P.]]|date=March 16, 2022}}</ref> == References== ==External links== {{wikipedia}} 4i81str4vg8vubrqgx75uxensu4dd8d 3153022 3153017 2022-08-09T22:33:14Z Shvili1962 1656620 Moved from w:Andriy Kobolyev wikitext text/x-wiki '''Andriy Kobolyev''' (Ukrainian: Андрíй Володѝмирович Кóболєв; born August 16, 1978) is a Ukrainian politician and businessman, former chief executive officer of Ukrainian largest national oil and gas company Naftogaz. ==Quotes == ===On Energy sanctions against Russia=== * There is no reason for the EU not to place an immediate embargo on supplies of Russian LNG and petroleum products. Russia's energy stranglehold has lasted for too long. This step will save lives, and not only in Ukraine. * Beyond the military domain, the most obvious target for such retaliation is Russian energy exports, which account for roughly 36 percent of the country's total budget revenues, most of which are used to fund military expenditure. Europe should move fast to replace Russian energy supplies permanently. * Moreover, the EU's Green Deal, which commits the bloc to become carbon-neutral by 2050, means the balance of bargaining power has shifted decisively from fossil fuel producers to consumers. European governments must use that advantage to sanction Russian energy exports in a way that will not damage their economies. The best approach is the tried and tested [[iran sanctions|Iranian sanction model]]: natural gas can flow from Gazprom to Europe. However, all proceeds are kept in special [[Escrow account|escrow accounts]] in European banks until Russia meets certain conditions. Sums might be deducted to pay for the reconstruction of Ukraine. Andriy Kobolyev claimed Russia could not physically turn off the gas taps immediately, taking Europe through to next winter. <ref name=":9"/> ''“However, shifting gas sales, for example, to [[China|Chinese]] markets is not possible,”'' Kobolyev said. ''“In the case of China, it might take 10 to 15 years to build the [[infrastructure]]. The existing pipeline to China is small and is not connected to the areas currently supplying Europe. To lose your biggest, most lucrative market, to lose 80% of your [[Revenue|revenues]], and become fully dependent on China, does not look like a very smart or strategic move. That does not look like a victory.”'' <ref name=":9"/> ''“The Russians and Putin have always believed Europe can never survive without Russian oil,"'' Kobolyev explained. ''“Putin thinks if he wins in Ukraine, the Kremlin will be forgiven because there is no alternative, and the west is weak. That is how he thinks, how Gazprom thinks, and how Rosneft thinks. That is how they see the world. That is why Putin personally controls the energy trade. It is his sacred cash cow.”'' Kobolyev is convinced that other sources could be found if the EU banned Russian oil. ''“There is a Russian proverb: a sacred place is never empty for long,”'' he said. <ref name=":9"/> Also, Andriy Kobolyev was [[lobbying]] for Ukraine's [[synchronization]] with the [[electricity grid]] of continental Europe. On March 16, 2022, [[Ukraine]] and [[Moldova]] synchronized power links to continental Europe. The process accelerated after the emergency request due to war. <ref>{{cite web| url=https://www.bloomberg.com/news/articles/2022-03-16/ukraine-starts-trial-connection-to-european-electricity-grid |title=Ukraine Starts Trial Connection to European Electricity Grid |website=[[Bloomberg L.P.]]|date=March 16, 2022}}</ref> == References== ==External links== {{wikipedia}} o6vx5ejida6elkovdpz3zbg4d5rt5da 3153023 3153022 2022-08-09T22:36:10Z Shvili1962 1656620 /* On Energy sanctions against Russia */ Moved from W:Andriy Kobolyev wikitext text/x-wiki '''Andriy Kobolyev''' (Ukrainian: Андрíй Володѝмирович Кóболєв; born August 16, 1978) is a Ukrainian politician and businessman, former chief executive officer of Ukrainian largest national oil and gas company Naftogaz. ==Quotes == ===On Energy sanctions against Russia=== * There is no reason for the EU not to place an immediate embargo on supplies of Russian LNG and petroleum products. Russia's energy stranglehold has lasted for too long. This step will save lives, and not only in Ukraine. * Beyond the military domain, the most obvious target for such retaliation is Russian energy exports, which account for roughly 36 percent of the country's total budget revenues, most of which are used to fund military expenditure. Europe should move fast to replace Russian energy supplies permanently. * Moreover, the EU's Green Deal, which commits the bloc to become carbon-neutral by 2050, means the balance of bargaining power has shifted decisively from fossil fuel producers to consumers. European governments must use that advantage to sanction Russian energy exports in a way that will not damage their economies. The best approach is the tried and tested [[iran sanctions|Iranian sanction model]]: natural gas can flow from Gazprom to Europe. However, all proceeds are kept in special [[Escrow account|escrow accounts]] in European banks until Russia meets certain conditions. * However, shifting gas sales, for example, to [[China|Chinese]] markets is not possible. ... In the case of China, it might take 10 to 15 years to build the [[infrastructure]]. The existing pipeline to China is small and is not connected to the areas currently supplying Europe. To lose your biggest, most lucrative market, to lose 80% of your [[Revenue|revenues]], and become fully dependent on China, does not look like a very smart or strategic move. That does not look like a victory. ''“The Russians and Putin have always believed Europe can never survive without Russian oil,"'' Kobolyev explained. ''“Putin thinks if he wins in Ukraine, the Kremlin will be forgiven because there is no alternative, and the west is weak. That is how he thinks, how Gazprom thinks, and how Rosneft thinks. That is how they see the world. That is why Putin personally controls the energy trade. It is his sacred cash cow.”'' Kobolyev is convinced that other sources could be found if the EU banned Russian oil. ''“There is a Russian proverb: a sacred place is never empty for long,”'' he said. <ref name=":9"/> Also, Andriy Kobolyev was [[lobbying]] for Ukraine's [[synchronization]] with the [[electricity grid]] of continental Europe. On March 16, 2022, [[Ukraine]] and [[Moldova]] synchronized power links to continental Europe. The process accelerated after the emergency request due to war. <ref>{{cite web| url=https://www.bloomberg.com/news/articles/2022-03-16/ukraine-starts-trial-connection-to-european-electricity-grid |title=Ukraine Starts Trial Connection to European Electricity Grid |website=[[Bloomberg L.P.]]|date=March 16, 2022}}</ref> == References== ==External links== {{wikipedia}} oynx7r5iszkrcxje3ayqosa77gbybgb 3153024 3153023 2022-08-09T22:40:20Z Shvili1962 1656620 /* Quotes */ wikitext text/x-wiki '''Andriy Kobolyev''' (Ukrainian: Андрíй Володѝмирович Кóболєв; born August 16, 1978) is a Ukrainian politician and businessman, former chief executive officer of Ukrainian largest national oil and gas company Naftogaz. ==Quotes == ===On Energy sanctions against Russia=== * There is no reason for the EU not to place an immediate embargo on supplies of Russian LNG and petroleum products. Russia's energy stranglehold has lasted for too long. This step will save lives, and not only in Ukraine. * Beyond the military domain, the most obvious target for such retaliation is Russian energy exports, which account for roughly 36 percent of the country's total budget revenues, most of which are used to fund military expenditure. Europe should move fast to replace Russian energy supplies permanently. * Moreover, the EU's Green Deal, which commits the bloc to become carbon-neutral by 2050, means the balance of bargaining power has shifted decisively from fossil fuel producers to consumers. European governments must use that advantage to sanction Russian energy exports in a way that will not damage their economies. The best approach is the tried and tested [[iran sanctions|Iranian sanction model]]: natural gas can flow from Gazprom to Europe. However, all proceeds are kept in special [[Escrow account|escrow accounts]] in European banks until Russia meets certain conditions. * However, shifting gas sales, for example, to [[China|Chinese]] markets is not possible. ... In the case of China, it might take 10 to 15 years to build the [[infrastructure]]. The existing pipeline to China is small and is not connected to the areas currently supplying Europe. To lose your biggest, most lucrative market, to lose 80% of your [[Revenue|revenues]], and become fully dependent on China, does not look like a very smart or strategic move. That does not look like a victory. * The Russians and Putin have always believed Europe can never survive without Russian oil. ... Putin thinks if he wins in Ukraine, the Kremlin will be forgiven because there is no alternative, and the west is weak. That is how he thinks, how Gazprom thinks, and how Rosneft thinks. That is how they see the world. That is why Putin personally controls the energy trade. It is his sacred cash cow. ...There is a Russian proverb: a sacred place is never empty for long. == References== ==External links== {{wikipedia}} bdi6mbu5es0nqbs8fvy4yi975ythtqx 3153025 3153024 2022-08-09T22:40:38Z Shvili1962 1656620 /* References */ wikitext text/x-wiki '''Andriy Kobolyev''' (Ukrainian: Андрíй Володѝмирович Кóболєв; born August 16, 1978) is a Ukrainian politician and businessman, former chief executive officer of Ukrainian largest national oil and gas company Naftogaz. ==Quotes == ===On Energy sanctions against Russia=== * There is no reason for the EU not to place an immediate embargo on supplies of Russian LNG and petroleum products. Russia's energy stranglehold has lasted for too long. This step will save lives, and not only in Ukraine. * Beyond the military domain, the most obvious target for such retaliation is Russian energy exports, which account for roughly 36 percent of the country's total budget revenues, most of which are used to fund military expenditure. Europe should move fast to replace Russian energy supplies permanently. * Moreover, the EU's Green Deal, which commits the bloc to become carbon-neutral by 2050, means the balance of bargaining power has shifted decisively from fossil fuel producers to consumers. European governments must use that advantage to sanction Russian energy exports in a way that will not damage their economies. The best approach is the tried and tested [[iran sanctions|Iranian sanction model]]: natural gas can flow from Gazprom to Europe. However, all proceeds are kept in special [[Escrow account|escrow accounts]] in European banks until Russia meets certain conditions. * However, shifting gas sales, for example, to [[China|Chinese]] markets is not possible. ... In the case of China, it might take 10 to 15 years to build the [[infrastructure]]. The existing pipeline to China is small and is not connected to the areas currently supplying Europe. To lose your biggest, most lucrative market, to lose 80% of your [[Revenue|revenues]], and become fully dependent on China, does not look like a very smart or strategic move. That does not look like a victory. * The Russians and Putin have always believed Europe can never survive without Russian oil. ... Putin thinks if he wins in Ukraine, the Kremlin will be forgiven because there is no alternative, and the west is weak. That is how he thinks, how Gazprom thinks, and how Rosneft thinks. That is how they see the world. That is why Putin personally controls the energy trade. It is his sacred cash cow. ...There is a Russian proverb: a sacred place is never empty for long. ==External links== {{wikipedia}} kbgoi8sf4evff5xth2xad24nom62zdp 3153026 3153025 2022-08-09T22:43:33Z Shvili1962 1656620 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Andriy_Kobolyev.jpg|thumb|Andriy Kobolyev]] '''Andriy Kobolyev''' (Ukrainian: Андрíй Володѝмирович Кóболєв; born August 16, 1978) is a Ukrainian politician and businessman, former chief executive officer of Ukrainian largest national oil and gas company Naftogaz. ==Quotes == ===On Energy sanctions against Russia=== * There is no reason for the EU not to place an immediate embargo on supplies of Russian LNG and petroleum products. Russia's energy stranglehold has lasted for too long. This step will save lives, and not only in Ukraine. * Beyond the military domain, the most obvious target for such retaliation is Russian energy exports, which account for roughly 36 percent of the country's total budget revenues, most of which are used to fund military expenditure. Europe should move fast to replace Russian energy supplies permanently. * Moreover, the EU's Green Deal, which commits the bloc to become carbon-neutral by 2050, means the balance of bargaining power has shifted decisively from fossil fuel producers to consumers. European governments must use that advantage to sanction Russian energy exports in a way that will not damage their economies. The best approach is the tried and tested [[iran sanctions|Iranian sanction model]]: natural gas can flow from Gazprom to Europe. However, all proceeds are kept in special [[Escrow account|escrow accounts]] in European banks until Russia meets certain conditions. * However, shifting gas sales, for example, to [[China|Chinese]] markets is not possible. ... In the case of China, it might take 10 to 15 years to build the [[infrastructure]]. The existing pipeline to China is small and is not connected to the areas currently supplying Europe. To lose your biggest, most lucrative market, to lose 80% of your [[Revenue|revenues]], and become fully dependent on China, does not look like a very smart or strategic move. That does not look like a victory. * The Russians and Putin have always believed Europe can never survive without Russian oil. ... Putin thinks if he wins in Ukraine, the Kremlin will be forgiven because there is no alternative, and the west is weak. That is how he thinks, how Gazprom thinks, and how Rosneft thinks. That is how they see the world. That is why Putin personally controls the energy trade. It is his sacred cash cow. ...There is a Russian proverb: a sacred place is never empty for long. ==External links== {{wikipedia}} a5rywaj21rgrqq6vhabvhgae7c7punf 2 249987 3153012 2022-08-09T22:08:29Z StephenMacky1 3078542 Created page with "{{Babel|align=left|de-1|en-5}}" wikitext text/x-wiki {{Babel|align=left|de-1|en-5}} hh0v12oxsjbc3ypkmy80y8etrekp2n1 1 249988 3153018 2022-08-09T22:27:23Z Shvili1962 1656620 /* Source */ new section wikitext text/x-wiki == Source == The quotes have been moved from [[w:Andrey Believe]] -- [[User:Shvili1962|Shvili1962]] ([[User talk:Shvili1962|talk]]) 22:27, 9 August 2022 (UTC) 8a1b6z9h5kkrxcf0c43h00lox7ow6ee 3153019 3153018 2022-08-09T22:28:14Z Shvili1962 1656620 wikitext text/x-wiki == Source == The quotes have been moved from [[w:Andriy Kobolyev]] -- [[User:Shvili1962|Shvili1962]] ([[User talk:Shvili1962|talk]]) 22:27, 9 August 2022 (UTC) 9dte3wien44ygmr8wex6y3rk8xmnn7m 0 249989 3153060 2022-08-10T00:33:42Z Kalki 71 a start, adapting WP intro, links wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:McCullough I.jpg|thumb| I’ve never written a book where I didn’t find something new — but it’s more likely you see something that’s been around a long time that others haven’t seen. Sometimes it derives from your own nature, your own interests. More often, it’s just that nobody bothered to look closely enough.]] '''[[w:David McCullough|David McCullough]]''' David Gaub McCullough ([[7 July]] [[1933]] – [[7 August]] [[2022]]) was an American author, narrator, popular historian, and lecturer. He was a two-time winner of the Pulitzer Prize and the National Book Award. In 2006, he was given the Presidential Medal of Freedom, one of the United States' highest civilian awards. {{author-stub}} == Quotes == * Novelists talk about their characters starting to do things they didn’t expect them to. Well, I imagine every writer of biography or history, as well as fiction, has the experience of suddenly seeing a few pieces of the puzzle fit together. The chances of finding a new piece are fairly remote — though I’ve never written a book where I didn’t find something new — but it’s more likely you see something that’s been around a long time that others haven’t seen. Sometimes it derives from your own nature, your own interests. More often, it’s just that nobody bothered to look closely enough. ** As quoted in [https://www.theparisreview.org/interviews/894/the-art-of-biography-no-2-david-mccullough "David McCullough, The Art of Biography No. 2" by Elizabeth Gaffney & Benjamin Ryder Howe, in ''The Paris Review'', Issue 152 (Fall 1999)] == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{commonscat}} * [http://authors.simonandschuster.com/David-McCullough/938 David McCullough at Simon & Schuster] * [https://www.c-span.org/video/?167542-1/depth-david-mccullough ''In Depth'' interview with McCullough, December 2, 2001] * {{IMDb name|0567184}} * [http://www.realclearpolitics.com/Commentary/com-4_18_05_DM.html Speech Transcript: "Knowing History and Knowing Who We Are"] at Hillsdale College National Leadership Seminar on the topic, "American History and America's Future." {{DEFAULTSORT:McCullough, David Gaub}} [[Category:1933 births]] [[Category:2022 deaths]] [[Category:Historians from the United States]] f55j0btbiqyx1ui86gdvd94kzz7hrii 4 249991 3153067 2022-08-10T00:42:37Z Kalki 71 Created page with "{| style="background: {{{color}}}" | align=center | [[File:McCullough I.jpg|292px]] | align=center | &nbsp; | align=center | {{quote of the day | quote = <!-- ⨀ <br /> --> Novelists talk about their characters starting to do things they didn’t [[expect]] them to. Well, I imagine every [[writer]] of biography or history, as well as fiction, has the [[experience]] of suddenly seeing a few pieces of the puzzle fit together. The chances of finding a new piece are fairly..." wikitext text/x-wiki {| style="background: {{{color}}}" | align=center | [[File:McCullough I.jpg|292px]] | align=center | &nbsp; | align=center | {{quote of the day | quote = <!-- ⨀ <br /> --> Novelists talk about their characters starting to do things they didn’t [[expect]] them to. Well, I imagine every [[writer]] of biography or history, as well as fiction, has the [[experience]] of suddenly seeing a few pieces of the puzzle fit together. The chances of finding a new piece are fairly remote — though I’ve never written a [[book]] where I didn’t find something new — but it’s more likely you see something that’s been around a long [[time]] that others haven’t seen. Sometimes it derives from your own nature, your own interests. More often, it’s just that nobody bothered to [[look]] closely enough. | author = David McCullough }} | align=center | &nbsp; | align=center | [[File:David McCullough - 2015 National Book Festival.jpg|292px]] |} nblckwvt4wt5z6ntaz2l6bb71oi2z5l 3153070 3153067 2022-08-10T00:48:18Z Kalki 71 wikitext text/x-wiki {| style="background: {{{color}}}" | align=center | [[File:McCullough I.jpg|292px]] | align=center | &nbsp; | align=center | {{quote of the day | quote = <!-- ⨀ <br /> --> Novelists talk about their characters starting to do things they didn’t [[expect]] them to. Well, I imagine every [[writer]] of biography or history, as well as fiction, has the [[experience]] of suddenly seeing a few pieces of the [[puzzle]] fit together. The chances of finding a new piece are fairly remote — though I’ve never written a [[book]] where I didn’t find something new — but it’s more likely you see something that’s been around a long [[time]] that others haven’t seen. Sometimes it derives from your own nature, your own interests. More often, it’s just that nobody bothered to [[look]] closely enough. | author = David McCullough }} | align=center | &nbsp; | align=center | [[File:David McCullough - 2015 National Book Festival.jpg|292px]] |} h0fkzs8dkqbuuu9xnt7089qznyo4vuk 0 249993 3153082 2022-08-10T01:34:08Z 112.210.234.14 Created page with "[[File:Alice G. Eduardo, President and CEO.jpg|thumb|Alice G. Eduardo, President and CEO]] '''[[w:Alice Eduardo|Alice Eduardo]]''' (March 20, 1965– ) is a Filipino businesswoman. Alice Eduardo founded Sta. Elena Construction and Development Corporation in 1995. It specializes in foundation engineering, power plants, ports and harbors, and roads and bridges. Eduardo built the foundation of various SM Malls including [[SM Mall of Asia]] (MOA). Her company is responsible..." wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Alice G. Eduardo, President and CEO.jpg|thumb|Alice G. Eduardo, President and CEO]] '''[[w:Alice Eduardo|Alice Eduardo]]''' (March 20, 1965– ) is a Filipino businesswoman. Alice Eduardo founded Sta. Elena Construction and Development Corporation in 1995. It specializes in foundation engineering, power plants, ports and harbors, and roads and bridges. Eduardo built the foundation of various SM Malls including [[SM Mall of Asia]] (MOA). Her company is responsible for the foundation works in the [[Entertainment City]] and the Mall of Asia Complex, which is envisioned to be a Las Vegas-like entertainment cluster. In 2018, [[Forbes]] Asia named Alice Eduardo as one of its Heroes of Philanthropy. == Quotes == *I admire things like mountains and flowers, which only God can create. We can build bridges and buildings but only God can build a soft petal. **[https://www.philstar.com/other-sections/newsmakers/2022/03/29/2170489/cherish-each-day "'Cherish each day'" in ''Philippine Star''] (29 March 2022) 7medbpjik7a76x095l6hsc0z7xjygax 3153089 3153082 2022-08-10T01:56:20Z 112.210.234.14 /* Quotes */ wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Alice G. Eduardo, President and CEO.jpg|thumb|Alice G. Eduardo, President and CEO]] '''[[w:Alice Eduardo|Alice Eduardo]]''' (March 20, 1965– ) is a Filipino businesswoman. Alice Eduardo founded Sta. Elena Construction and Development Corporation in 1995. It specializes in foundation engineering, power plants, ports and harbors, and roads and bridges. Eduardo built the foundation of various SM Malls including [[SM Mall of Asia]] (MOA). Her company is responsible for the foundation works in the [[Entertainment City]] and the Mall of Asia Complex, which is envisioned to be a Las Vegas-like entertainment cluster. In 2018, [[Forbes]] Asia named Alice Eduardo as one of its Heroes of Philanthropy. == Quotes == *I admire things like mountains and flowers, which only God can create. We can build bridges and buildings but only God can build a soft petal. **[https://www.philstar.com/other-sections/newsmakers/2022/03/29/2170489/cherish-each-day "'Cherish each day'" in ''Philippine Star''] (29 March 2022) *This was an extraordinary opportunity to help others. I’m taking that opportunity as a blessing. **[https://www.philstar.com/other-sections/newsmakers/2021/09/10/2126193/pghs-bahay-silungan-healer-home "PGH’s Bahay Silungan: The healer is a home" in ''Philippine Star''] (10 September 2021) nnteg0om4vdtgc4iix3o1q8n4skjp1w 3153146 3153089 2022-08-10T05:12:05Z 112.210.234.14 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Alice G. Eduardo, President and CEO.jpg|thumb|Alice G. Eduardo, President and CEO]] '''[[w:Alice Eduardo|Alice Eduardo]]''' (March 20, 1965– ) is a Filipino businesswoman. Alice Eduardo founded Sta. Elena Construction and Development Corporation in 1995. It specializes in foundation engineering, power plants, ports and harbors, and roads and bridges. Eduardo built the foundation of various SM Malls including [[SM Mall of Asia]] (MOA). Her company is responsible for the foundation works in the [[Entertainment City]] and the Mall of Asia Complex, which is envisioned to be a Las Vegas-like entertainment cluster. In 2018, [[Forbes]] Asia named Alice Eduardo as one of its Heroes of Philanthropy. == Quotes == *I admire things like mountains and flowers, which only God can create. We can build bridges and buildings but only God can build a soft petal. **[https://www.philstar.com/other-sections/newsmakers/2022/03/29/2170489/cherish-each-day "'Cherish each day'" in ''Philippine Star''] (29 March 2022) *This was an extraordinary opportunity to help others. I’m taking that opportunity as a blessing. **[https://www.philstar.com/other-sections/newsmakers/2021/09/10/2126193/pghs-bahay-silungan-healer-home "PGH’s Bahay Silungan: The healer is a home" in ''Philippine Star''] (10 September 2021) *I’ve always wanted to build a city where the standard of living for residents is above average, a city within a city that looks and feels like Singapore, where life isn’t perfect but the quality of life sets a standard in the Philippines. **[https://www.philstar.com/other-sections/newsmakers/2021/03/19/2085430/alice-jacqueline-eduardo-two-road "Alice & Jacqueline Eduardo: Two for the road" in ''Philippine Star''] (19 March 2021) 4yq7egiusio8e58j4k52ljwarv0o4vq 1 249994 3153131 2022-08-10T03:28:31Z Eaglestorm 16205 Created page with "{{quotation limit|type=film|length=104 min}}" wikitext text/x-wiki {{quotation limit|type=film|length=104 min}} 5pxjyesivuujix2y42mr2uns951eilf 1 249995 3153132 2022-08-10T03:29:06Z Eaglestorm 16205 Created page with "{{quotation limit|type=film|length=95 min}}" wikitext text/x-wiki {{quotation limit|type=film|length=95 min}} 8ztzfb9tw8kpbj40o0bxx7qa2cbmdkf 0 249996 3153151 2022-08-10T07:13:34Z Relinus 3124592 Relinus moved page [[Abby Johnson (activist)]] to [[Abby Johnson]]: Remove unneeded parentheses wikitext text/x-wiki #REDIRECT [[Abby Johnson]] 60n307nq2g50vw227zl2jlehspn9etp